# Wife messaging old boyfriend on Facebook messenger.



## Jrm82180 (9 mo ago)

Recently I was in my sons room hanging out with him. My wife’s phone was on his bed so I picked it up and was going to take some goofy selfies of the two of us. When I opened her phone the messenger app was open. There was a message to one of her ex boyfriend’s I didn’t get into reading it all but what I did read was something about the EX driving a vehicle down for someone to our area 1 hour north of us next month and the last thing my wife said was “love and miss you too!” The whole love and miss you too thing is what upset me. It’s one thing to have a conversation but to end it with that sound like more than friends. This ex lives hours away should I still be concerned and what should I say or do about this situation?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Seriously? Your wife says that to an x boyfriend who’s coming close to your area and you have to ask if you should be concerned? You need to wake up? Wanna bet if they have plans to met up?


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

You need to insist on seeing all correspondences she's had with him. You also need to prepare yourself for what you will read. Don't accept any gas lighting. Miss you and love you said to an ex is never good.
Edit: Actually, you will just tip her off that you are on to them by confronting this early. Can you monitor her Facebook messenger for a few days?


----------



## christine29 (Nov 30, 2021)

To tell someone "love and miss you", specially your wife saying that to an ex boyfriend is very fishy. Of course there is something going on with them! I think its better to honestly ask her about this, nip the bud and lets hope she tells you the truth.


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Did you know about her being in contact with the ex before the messages?


----------



## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Oh shi t.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I want to say I’ve read that Facebook is the number one site for driving a wedge in relationships/marriages, even being the catalyst that ruins them.

Emotional and/or physical affairs seem to be symptoms of something else going on with the person involved, but the full blame usually gets cast on the person being betrayed.

I hope you can work things out but don’t take the blame for your wife’s choices. If she’s not happy, she should turn to you and not another guy.

I would simply ask her and see her reaction. If she accuses you of snooping or starts yelling that you don’t trust her etc ...that will be an indication of guilt, in my opinion. She may blame-shift. But if she’s having an affair of any kind, she may not confess that but I think she’s at the least, having an emotional affair. Be strong and know your worth. Sorry you’re going through this.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Jrm82180 said:


> Recently I was in my sons room hanging out with him. My wife’s phone was on his bed so I picked it up and was going to take some goofy selfies of the two of us. When I opened her phone the messenger app was open. There was a message to one of her ex boyfriend’s I didn’t get into reading it all but what I did read was something about the EX driving a vehicle down for someone to our area 1 hour north of us next month and the last thing my wife said was “love and miss you too!” The whole love and miss you too thing is what upset me. It’s one thing to have a conversation but to end it with that sound like more than friends. This ex lives hours away should I still be concerned and what should I say or do about this situation?


Sorry you’re here with this OP.
You are very right to be concerned. The language she used indicates an ongoing intimate relationship with her ex. Whether it is an emotional affair or has progressed to a physical affair is unclear. It does seem like OM may visit your area periodically so that would lend credibility to your wife being shared physically with another man.

You have some choices about how to proceed, but it all depends on what you want.

Some would require overwhelming evidence and clarity about EA vs PA before acting, in which case you should shut up and gather evidence.

Others would see this as a deal breaker and confront immediately, which includes filing for divorce.

My suggestion would be to wait and watch. The message indicates intimacy but it may not mean there is an active ongoing affair (somehow…I’m not clear how but it’s possible I guess).

Watch her actions, look for gaps in time or how she guards her phone from your eyes. Others have suggested other mechanisms.

But the bottom line OP is this: brace for impact.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

I have a couple of coworker's whose wives' affairs were started on Facebook. It is said to be a factor in a high percentage of divorces today.


----------



## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> I want to say I’ve read that Facebook is the number one site for driving a wedge in relationships/marriages, even being the catalyst that ruins them.


Bingo!

Tis why I've NEVER had a facebook account, ever. I've never had a twitter account either or snapchat or discord or insta or any other thing either, even Myspace since I'm older and in my 50's.

I've never had an account, so it's not like they are deleted or deactivated. I've never had one or anything like them.

OK, I'm old you say. Two of my 3 twenty something year old young adult children have NEVER had facebook or insta, or snapchat or twitter either and I'm damn proud of that. My oldest child is on facebook though and it's his life, his choice, I love him dearly.

Social media is toxic, bad and on and on. I've never used these toxic sites and I never will either.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Jrm82180 said:


> Recently I was in my sons room hanging out with him. My wife’s phone was on his bed so I picked it up and was going to take some goofy selfies of the two of us. When I opened her phone the messenger app was open. There was a message to one of her ex boyfriend’s I didn’t get into reading it all but what I did read was something about the EX driving a vehicle down for someone to our area 1 hour north of us next month and the last thing my wife said was “love and miss you too!” The whole love and miss you too thing is what upset me. It’s one thing to have a conversation but to end it with that sound like more than friends. This ex lives hours away should I still be concerned and what should I say or do about this situation?


“Eavesdrop” on her messages . Gather intel and bust her arse!


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> “Eavesdrop” on her messages . Gather intel and bust her arse!


There is no right to privacy for **** like this.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You need to get into her phone and do a deep dive. Affairs between ex’s go from 0 to 60 in ludicrous speed. They have already have seen each other naked and had sex, so there will not be any of the warming up by going through barriers that an affair with a new lover. That she’s already telling him she loves him is indicative of how fast they are moving. 

When you confront her, don’t cower under the controlling card, which she will use for you looking at her phone. You know damn well where this is going and shouldn’t let her BS you about it only being just talk.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Not cool of your wife. Nothing may have happened physically yet but those convos are beyond inappropriate.

As an aside, I don't agree that this is Facebook's fault, it's lack of boundaries that cause these problems. Neither husband or I have exes on our FB, I asked him if we could agree to never adding them, after reading yet another thread on here about an affair that started that way. But again, the problem isn't FB, it's lack of boundaries of the people using it.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I would be patient, ever so patient.

Why?

It is that knife she hides, the one behind her back.

I would want to see how far she is willing to cut you.

She is already betraying you, she is.

I would want to see if she is willing to cut you bloody, when she thinks nobody is watching.

If you expose this early, you will only have felt the prik of her blade.

If you give her enough rope you will see if her Ex gives her the full shaft of his prik.

Then, for sure, you will know she went so far, as to gut you. 

Why is it necessary to stop someone from showing who they are?

Don't you want to know, who it is you have married?

How far will she go, what is your worth in her eyes?

Be patient, you will soon find out.

Go into detective mode.

See, who it is you have married.

Um.


_Nemesis-_


----------



## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

Jrm82180 said:


> ... last thing my wife said was “love and miss you too!” The whole love and miss you too thing is what upset me.


Love and Miss You Too!

Let's say your wife read what you wrote to your old high school GF who liked it in the pooper after the 1st round. Would she be asking the question you asked here?

No she would be hanging your ass out to dry in more ways than the one. 


I think you know what you need to do here... and I'll give you a hint- 'privacy' doesn't really matter that much when your marriage is on the line.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Will see it OP post anything else.


----------



## Jrm82180 (9 mo ago)

So I confronted her last night as she told me good night and I love you. She asked what was wrong and knew something was up. I couldn’t hold it back any longer so I said well you tell other guys you love and miss them so that doesn’t mean much. She then went into defense mode as what am I talking about. I explained everything I saw in her phone. I was told he’s a old friend and there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. She wouldn’t admit she did wrong just kept saying there was nothing going on. I asked to see the whole message but she was already deleted it as we were talking. To me that says a lot if there was nothing to hide I should have been able to read everything. I asked her how she would like it if I was messaging my ex and said I love and miss you?
I guess today will be a long stressful day as I figure out what I do next. Thanks for your responses.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Jrm82180 said:


> So I confronted her last night as she told me good night and I love you. She asked what was wrong and knew something was up. I couldn’t hold it back any longer so I said well you tell other guys you love and miss them so that doesn’t mean much. She then went into defense mode as what am I talking about. I explained everything I saw in her phone. I was told he’s a old friend and there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. She wouldn’t admit she did wrong just kept saying there was nothing going on. I asked to see the whole message but she was already deleted it as we were talking. To me that says a lot if there was nothing to hide I should have been able to read everything. I asked her how she would like it if I was messaging my ex and said I love and miss you?
> I guess today will be a long stressful day as I figure out what I do next. Thanks for your responses.


That’s a typical response from a cheater that’s been caught.
Now your wife and her new/old bf will be more careful.
She will likely try to be the perfect wife for a while to throw you off the scent.

You are right, innocence would have looked differently
Deleting messages is big giveaway that she’s up to no good.

You can still go into stealth detective mode as you try to prove her affair…or you can slam the door right on the whole thing right now.

But be aware that your wife will not come clean just because you ask. She needs to realize everything she is about to lose. Consult with a lawyer and give her D papers if you want to know the truth.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Her deleting the texts as you're talking to her tells you what you need to know.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I miss my old girlfriends too, especially the one with the big nipples...


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Jrm82180 said:


> she was already deleted it as we were talking.


That is all the info you need. You 'caught' her so now she is covering tracks like cat covering their bm. Are you sure she hasn't been active with her ex for sometime? Writing "miss you" implies that something more has been going on for sometime, maybe since you married. You have a cheater on your hands, she will improve with hiding it. Do you want to continue living like that?



Jrm82180 said:


> I guess today will be a long stressful day as I figure out what I do next.


Hard to see what needs figuring. She blew up your marriage but didn't bother telling you.

For sure go see about three attorneys to find what you are facing, find which one you want to retain, and stop her from using any of the three.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

To me, it indicates that she's checked out of the marriage, or she is not in love with her husband or she is still in love with her ex boyfriend. You wouldn't have a conversation like this otherwise.


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Jrm82180 said:


> So I confronted her last night as she told me good night and I love you. She asked what was wrong and knew something was up. I couldn’t hold it back any longer so I said well you tell other guys you love and miss them so that doesn’t mean much. She then went into defense mode as what am I talking about. I explained everything I saw in her phone. I was told he’s a old friend and there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. She wouldn’t admit she did wrong just kept saying there was nothing going on. I asked to see the whole message but she was already deleted it as we were talking. To me that says a lot if there was nothing to hide I should have been able to read everything. I asked her how she would like it if I was messaging my ex and said I love and miss you?
> I guess today will be a long stressful day as I figure out what I do next. Thanks for your responses.


You just drove it deeper underground and will have a more difficult time finding any more info or proof. You really should have had her phone in your hand when you confronted.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Check your phone bill for changes in her activities. If she's been texting him, demand to see the text string. Run a recovery program if she's deleted them. Why didn't you look through their entire Facebook conversation after you read the last message? Deleting the messages while you confronted her, screams guilt.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You broke off her blade, but not her desire.

Her desire for new X with her Ex.

Many here will applaud you for nipping this in the bud.

Bud, now you are that _Doubting Thomas._

If possible, always glean all the facts before acting.
You chose not to.

I warned you.

Tis' done.....

What is your plan, going forward?



_Harken- _my gal, _Mabel_, did me, down-low dirty.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

She is lying, you exposed too soon without getting evidence. Beware! Now she knows she will be more cautious making it difficult for you to get more intel. Classic cheater response by the way.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> She is lying, you exposed too soon without getting evidence. Beware! Now she knows she will be more cautious making it difficult for you to get more intel. Classic cheater response by the way.


He has all the evidence he needs. If he thinks back through his marriage to her he will likely turn up more evidence. The thing is, no reason to play detective. if he delivers papers to her and she wants to try saving marriage, she will move heaven and earth to show she is trustworthy. If not she wont. I think he knows in his gut that the marriage was over, maybe when it started. His 'wife' likes spinning plates.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

sideways said:


> Her deleting the texts as you're talking to her tells you what you need to know.


Yep. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Why didn’t you read the whole thread and look for his contact info when you found out? Don’t you have access to each other’s phones? You need to get her phone ASAP so you can restore as much info as possible. 

Her deleting the thread tells you that you do have reason to be concerned. She has been telling him how she much she cares about him, may have sent racy pics, and very likely has been bad mouthing you. We have had MANY threads where it turned out that it was WW that was the one doing the pursuing. In all of these, the WW bad mouths her husband. Some telling outright lies about being abused to get the OM to be willing to pursue her and develop an emotional bond.

Get this guys info and expose him to his wife. His wife won’t accept the we are just friends story. Expose to her family in a help me fight for the family. They have a stake in their grandkid/nephews family life remaining intact. Lastly, you need to engage a lawyer to find out exactly what divorce will look like for you. Having her served also sends a wake call that you’re not going to accept this betrayal. 

Divorce is a slow process and can be stopped if you see her fighting for you.
That she didn’t even make a real effort to alleviate your concerns, tells me she has no respect for you as a husband and father of her kid(s) and will need real credible actions from you to wake her up. If you go into begging and trying to nice her, you will be pushing her harder into OM’s bed. 

EXPOSE TODAY. Right now you’re dealing with an emotional affair, delay and you will be dealing with a sexual affair. Very hard to get a WW to reattach to you after she’s given herself to another.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jsmart said:


> They have a stake in their grandkid/nephews family life remaining intact.


Respectfully, how could family life remain intact with a cheater in it? Why would OP want to even attempt that?



jsmart said:


> Right now you’re dealing with an emotional affair, delay and you will be dealing with a sexual affair. Very hard to get a WW to reattach to you after she’s given herself to another.


We really dont know his WW history with her ex. We DO know for a fact they have a sexual history. And what says that they havent been doing one another whenever possible since they became ‘ex’. I have personally known couples who couldnt live with one another 24x7 so divorced, but continued high octane sex with one another for years, even while dating others for some variety.

If OP thinks back, he will be able to figure out if his WW and her ex are that category. Times when her intimacy with OP lagged, times she came home late from ‘work’ or the grocery store.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

@Rus47 , enlisting the help of his WW’s family is to help stop the EA. His wife’s reaction to his confrontation tells me that she is deeper in this EA than he realizes. If he approaches her family in a help me fight for the marriage/family, his in-laws will apply pressure to get her fogged up head back into the marriage. This has to all be part of a shock and awe campaign that includes D papers and also exposing OM to his wife too.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

She’s likely lying but I don’t think your marriage is necessarily doomed. Your exposing her was like tossing ice cold water in her face and perhaps woke her up to potentially losing you. Or, she could start hiding things from you - either way, I would make it crystal clear that it’s something you won’t tolerate, and if she wants to rekindle things with ex bf’s, then maybe it’s best for you both to move on.

Try to be calm though, but firm. Good luck with all this.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I love you and miss you……. Things I say to my gf or wife. People one loves and misses—- those aren’t exes. So saying that means a lot.

money other thing I noticed: you read that your wife loves and misses another man and didn’t investigate further. Why??????
It makes me wonder and worry that you want to be an ostrich, and rugsweep the whole thing.

That gives you basically a zero chance.
Going at this fill speed ahead and filing for divorce and not being her doormat is the way to go. Even if this was just an emotional affair, it’s just as damaging to your marriage as a physical one. 

why? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy did you confront without undeniable evidence????
Now this is all buried. It will crawl back out of its grave. Women’s desires for another man always do.

You’ve put yourself in a tight spot


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

If the AP is married out him to his wife. Please consider asking your wife to leave the home. That in and of itself will mess with her mentally. Let her know you are meeting with an attorney and she may want to do likewise.

Tell her you need time to sort out how you wish to proceed, but right now you feel that you have no marriage. And you are strongly considering divorce. 

Me, on DDay, I went total Parris Island. Mass exposure on facebook (which I wish I did not do), exposure to my adult children, our siblings, and close friends. I am 6 and one half years in R.

I am certain he can glean more evidence. However, I concur with @Rus47 that the one message is damning. But more detail would have been even better.

Blow her fantasy world to pieces. Feel free to PM me. I can be a total asshole in these situations.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Feel free to PM me. I can be a total asshole in these situations.


No, not the asshole, rather, the unblocking-enema to this sickly, crap behavior. 

Flush em' out and down the marital stand-pipe they go.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> No, not the asshole, rather, the unblocking-enema to this sickly, crap behavior.
> 
> Flush em' out and down the marital stand-pipe they go.


LOL. Love how eloquent you are with scatalogical humor.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Jrm82180 said:


> So I confronted her last night as she told me good night and I love you. She asked what was wrong and knew something was up. I couldn’t hold it back any longer so I said well you tell other guys you love and miss them so that doesn’t mean much. She then went into defense mode as what am I talking about. I explained everything I saw in her phone. I was told he’s a old friend and there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. She wouldn’t admit she did wrong just kept saying there was nothing going on. I asked to see the whole message but she was already deleted it as we were talking. To me that says a lot if there was nothing to hide I should have been able to read everything. I asked her how she would like it if I was messaging my ex and said I love and miss you?
> I guess today will be a long stressful day as I figure out what I do next. Thanks for your responses.


This really sucks. She is having an affair. Saying I love you to another man is absolute end of story. She is at least sharing her love with another man, and may have completely replaced her love for you with love for him. It may or may not have gone physical yet, but they are certainly working on making it physical. Her denial and deletion of the message means she know she was caught red handed. If, big IF, you want to stay married she will need to come completely clean, maybe even take a polygraph, and allow full access to everything and she should not be allowed to delete anything, ever. Sorry to say, you've got a real mess on your hands.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I agree with potentially contacting the other guy’s wife/gf, but that’s just one fire you’ll be putting out. To me, this is a symptom of something going on with your wife and if this guy stops communicating, another one will take his place if you don’t deal with the deeper issue(s), whatever they may be.


----------



## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

I agree on something told to you.
Once divorced it will be easier to deal wiith the "deeper" issue(s) you once HAD with your now Ex.

This brought to my mind and old song from the times of the Mexican Revolution.
Rughly translated it said:

Certainly Manuel was a quite lucky man when he died.
He was shooted by eight bullets but was killed by just the first one.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jrm82180 said:


> So I confronted her last night as she told me good night and I love you. She asked what was wrong and knew something was up. I couldn’t hold it back any longer so I said well you tell other guys you love and miss them so that doesn’t mean much. She then went into defense mode as what am I talking about. I explained everything I saw in her phone. I was told he’s a old friend and there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. She wouldn’t admit she did wrong just kept saying there was nothing going on. I asked to see the whole message but she was already deleted it as we were talking. To me that says a lot if there was nothing to hide I should have been able to read everything. I asked her how she would like it if I was messaging my ex and said I love and miss you?
> I guess today will be a long stressful day as I figure out what I do next. Thanks for your responses.


Well at least now you know the truth. She is in a deep EA at the very least. She didn't own up to it, and is defending herself so she has no remorse over this.
Make sure you protect yourself....


----------



## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Jrm82180 said:


> Recently I was in my sons room hanging out with him. My wife’s phone was on his bed so I picked it up and was going to take some goofy selfies of the two of us. When I opened her phone the messenger app was open. There was a message to one of her ex boyfriend’s I didn’t get into reading it all but what I did read was something about the EX driving a vehicle down for someone to our area 1 hour north of us next month and the last thing my wife said was “love and miss you too!” The whole love and miss you too thing is what upset me. It’s one thing to have a conversation but to end it with that sound like more than friends. This ex lives hours away should I still be concerned and what should I say or do about this situation?


You're more of a man than I am. I would of kicked her to the curb at "hello" to the ex. The "love and miss you too" is way too far from my comprehension. That is, I cannot comprehend how you are still with your wife after seeing that.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Jrm82180 said:


> So I confronted her last night as she told me good night and I love you. She asked what was wrong and knew something was up. I couldn’t hold it back any longer so I said well you tell other guys you love and miss them so that doesn’t mean much. She then went into defense mode as what am I talking about. I explained everything I saw in her phone. I was told he’s a old friend and there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. She wouldn’t admit she did wrong just kept saying there was nothing going on. I asked to see the whole message but she was already deleted it as we were talking. To me that says a lot if there was nothing to hide I should have been able to read everything. I asked her how she would like it if I was messaging my ex and said I love and miss you?
> I guess today will be a long stressful day as I figure out what I do next. Thanks for your responses.


Can you pretend to trust her, seem to trust her and put her at ease, while simultaneously setting up surveillance? Voice activated recorder in her car? Does she spend much time at home when you’re not around? If so, voice activated recorder where she might be using a phone. Pretty low odds she only texts.

Odds are your wife’s not a pro at covering her tracks, and if this has been going on for a while, she’s probably getting lazy.

But sleuthing is done best without someone actively trying to cover their tracks.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Saying "Love you" + "miss you" to an ex and then when confronted she deletes the texts right in front of you??

Only way I'm even considering not divorcing her @$$ is her taking and PASSING a poly asap!!


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Deleting the messages right in front of the op says a lot about her respect for him. He needs to think on getting an attorney, getting ducks in a row.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Dump her to the curb like it's trash day!


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> Dump her to the curb like it's trash day!


Easy to say but OP may have a need to know, and once he starts proceedings, he may never find out. Insecurities are better addressed now, to put everything behind him. Maybe.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

frusdil said:


> Yep. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.


THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> Easy to say but OP may have a need to know, and once he starts proceedings, he may never find out. Insecurities are better addressed now, to put everything behind him. Maybe.


True but when have those of us who have been betrayed ever gotten full disclosure?


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

frusdil said:


> Yep. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.


So no privacy, no secrets? Ever?


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> Easy to say but OP may have a need to know, and once he starts proceedings, he may never find out. Insecurities are better addressed now, to put everything behind him. Maybe.


She said I love you to another man, actually not just any other man, an ex. That is all he really needs to know. She loves another man.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The sock drawer is the only place privacy is allowed. And when taking a dump. Apparently even taking a dump is an area that can be abused for watching porn though.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She said I love you to another man, actually not just any other man, an ex. That is all he really needs to know. She loves another man.


Enough to divorce, probably. Enough for full context and reduction of mind-movies? Maybe not. He should have, if he wants, 100% proof, ZERO wiggle room. Not 99.95%. It’s up to him how much he feels a need to know.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> So no privacy, no secrets? Ever?


Um, so he should respect her privacy when she is saying "i love and miss you" to a former lover who is coming to visit. (revision: "former & current lover")


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

re16 said:


> Um, so he should respect her privacy when she is saying "i love and miss you" to a former lover who is coming to visit. (revision: "former & current lover")


In this context we’re in absolute agreement. But what about her right to privacy, when she was dating OP, as to the nature of any past relationships? I’m guessing she held back a bit on things, maybe not telling OP enough that he could recognize he was a Plan B.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> So no privacy, no secrets? Ever?


Not when it involves interaction with a person of the opposite sex and especially when it is a past lover.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> But what about her right to privacy, when she was dating OP, as to the nature of any past relationships?


No one is talking about that. We are all talking about now, a married spouse contacting her ex, coordinating when they will in close proximity, and that she is telling the ex 'I love you'.

We're talking about the now.... this is not a retroactive jealousy thread.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jrm82180 said:


> So I confronted her last night as she told me good night and I love you. She asked what was wrong and knew something was up. I couldn’t hold it back any longer so I said well you tell other guys you love and miss them so that doesn’t mean much. She then went into defense mode as what am I talking about. I explained everything I saw in her phone. I was told he’s a old friend and there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. She wouldn’t admit she did wrong just kept saying there was nothing going on. I asked to see the whole message but she was already deleted it as we were talking. To me that says a lot if there was nothing to hide I should have been able to read everything. I asked her how she would like it if I was messaging my ex and said I love and miss you?
> I guess today will be a long stressful day as I figure out what I do next. Thanks for your responses.


Ha! We’re just friends is the biggest lie told here. Sorry but what you’ve gotten is pretty typical. They only admit to what you know. They have deleted text message recovery software. If you want the full truth.
It’s obvious she doesn’t care much about what you think. Now they’ll probably do a better job of taking it underground.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Remember one thing you are a chump only if you allow it.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

OP, your wife dramatically blew past lines of trust and fidelity by messaging an ex what she did.

She shouldn't even be in communication with him, let alone saying she loves him. This is way over the top and very likely indicates an affair.

You'd be naive to think anything else is going on.

You need to check phone bills and scour everything for any other evidence....

I think you need to go absolutely nuclear here, talk the ex's spouse if he has one, tell your wife she needs to write down any interaction they've had during your relationship with her and that she will be taking a polygraph about it.

If she is defensive about any of it, you have your answer.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Not when it involves interaction with a person of the opposite sex and especially when it is a past lover.


Yeah, boundaries assumed by one spouse and not considered/rationalized around by the other.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> Yeah, boundaries assumed by one spouse and not considered/rationalized around by the other.


I think any married person assumes that their spouse is not currently in love with and interacting with their ex. I am having a hard time understanding why her behavior is defensible...


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

re16 said:


> I think any married person assumes that their spouse is not currently in love with and interacting with their ex. I am having a hard time understanding why her behavior is defensible...


Her behavior is NOT defensible. I’m trying to show how these things happen in the first place. We spend too much time dealing with the aftermath of really bad choices. What if they can be prevented by showing how things are rationalized?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Jrm82180 said:


> So I confronted her last night as she told me good night and I love you. She asked what was wrong and knew something was up. I couldn’t hold it back any longer so I said well you tell other guys you love and miss them so that doesn’t mean much. She then went into defense mode as what am I talking about. I explained everything I saw in her phone. I was told he’s a old friend and there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. She wouldn’t admit she did wrong just kept saying there was nothing going on. I asked to see the whole message but she was already deleted it as we were talking. To me that says a lot if there was nothing to hide I should have been able to read everything. I asked her how she would like it if I was messaging my ex and said I love and miss you?
> I guess today will be a long stressful day as I figure out what I do next. Thanks for your responses.


She be takin walks in hotdog parks, she be riding the sausage train to skanktown, she's ordering the special at Texxxas Steak hoes!

In other words, she's full of beans mate.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Numb26 said:


> True but when have those of us who have been betrayed ever gotten full disclosure?


Most likely not. I feel I got a out 95%. You never get it all.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Casual Observer said:


> So no privacy, no secrets? Ever?


Privacy in marriage is closing the door when you use the bathroom.

Nope, I don't keep secrets about myself from my husband. Nor does he to me. Friends sometimes tell me things in confidence, and I keep that confidence, but I would never keep something about me secret from my husband.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> Nope, I don't keep secrets about myself from my husband.


I wouldn't ever keep secrets about myself from my husband. Even if he walked in on me plucking my ladystache eyebrows and asked me what I was doing as the tweezers somehow slipped out of my hand. I would totally admit to having unruly eyebrows. 

And on a more serious note, I don't keep secrets from my husband either.


----------



## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Deleting her text history with him is quite telling and not in a good way.

OP, the ball is in your court.

What are you going to do about this?

Will you let her sweep this under the rug and have things go on as is?

Or will you find out what is going on?

OH, first thing, if you won't leave her over this, your odds of finding out what's really going on diminish.

One has to be willing to lose their marriage to save it many times.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Jrm82180 said:


> So I confronted her last night as she told me good night and I love you. She asked what was wrong and knew something was up. I couldn’t hold it back any longer so I said well you tell other guys you love and miss them so that doesn’t mean much. She then went into defense mode as what am I talking about. I explained everything I saw in her phone. I was told he’s a old friend and there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. She wouldn’t admit she did wrong just kept saying there was nothing going on. I asked to see the whole message but she was already deleted it as we were talking. To me that says a lot if there was nothing to hide I should have been able to read everything. I asked her how she would like it if I was messaging my ex and said I love and miss you?
> I guess today will be a long stressful day as I figure out what I do next. Thanks for your responses.


update dude ?

It sounds bad.

You need to step to the plate bro


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

OP appears to have gone radio silent.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> OP appears to have gone radio silent.


We certainly pointed out the smoke.

His wife lit the fire and he is now feeling the burn.

Hopefully, his own fire follows suit and she becomes toast.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> She is lying, you exposed too soon without getting evidence. Beware! Now she knows she will be more cautious making it difficult for you to get more intel. Classic cheater response by the way.


I swear the first thing people need to learn is to NOT confront without evidence!!! 🤦‍♂️


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> I swear the first thing people need to learn is to NOT confront without evidence!!! 🤦‍♂️


Yes, that seems to be the prevalent, newbie, BH's script.

BW's tend to be (somewhat) more the sleuths.
They also seem to be (somewhat) more forgiving.

*Anxiety is that patience killer.*
Then again, few can suffer the pain, doing nothing, but observing.

Few men can silently watch (ETA: or think that) their wives coyly sashay away, and give up their warm bodies to other men (ETA: if this is the case, this remains, only a possibility).

Human nature is predictable.


_Are Dee-_


----------



## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

Jrm82180 said:


> Recently I was in my sons room hanging out with him. My wife’s phone was on his bed so I picked it up and was going to take some goofy selfies of the two of us. When I opened her phone the messenger app was open. There was a message to one of her ex boyfriend’s I didn’t get into reading it all but what I did read was something about the EX driving a vehicle down for someone to our area 1 hour north of us next month and the last thing my wife said was “love and miss you too!” The whole love and miss you too thing is what upset me. It’s one thing to have a conversation but to end it with that sound like more than friends. This ex lives hours away should I still be concerned and what should I say or do about this situation?


I would confront her about it..ask questions about how much they talk, etc..and call this guy and see what he says. See if their stories corroborate. It would be hard for me to not be done if I saw the i love you too message. To me that crosses the line from conversating to something more intimate.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> So no privacy, no secrets? Ever?


Not when your telling an ex boyfriend that you love and miss them. That implies that she saw him in person at some point.


----------



## Mrs.Sav (Mar 13, 2014)

Here for the commiseration as I have been in his shoes with ex bf. I asked to see his phone and went into his whatsapp as I noticed he was logging in at 2-3am which was suspicious to me because he clearly wasn't chatting with ME during those late hours (he worked as a bartender...should've been red flag enough). Sure enough, his top 2 chats were with women he had relations with in the past - one was an ex he dated for a year, HOWEVER, the other was with a married woman he had a ONS with as she was vacationing here (without her husband). I looked her up on FB and linkedin and from my detective work, found out she is a lawyer married to a CEO, lives in london (which explained the late night logins due to the time difference) and the ONS happened 4 years ago (from the time i discovered this) and she had only been married 2 years at this point. As i was scrolling up to read more of the message exchanges he had with her (the ONS), he immediately snatched the phone out of my hand and deleted the entire message thread. Then he claimed he had no idea she was married (at the time they had the ONS - which was a bogus claim as i saw a wedding ring on her finger in ALL her FB photos) and that the texts were "all innocent exchanges" when there is nothing at all "innocent" about communicating with a married ONS. When i said "well you can't prove your claim now...and WHY is that?!" I was obviously being sarcastic to which his reply was "Cause i deleted them!" That was how idiotic my ex was. The arguments became circular. He even had the audacity to "like" a photo of her with her husband. I told him that was the equivalent of f*cking another man's wife then shaking his hand afterwards when he is none the wiser - it's utterly disgusting. The fact that they even linked up on FB and IG and STILL chatting after all these years were appalling, and at the same time, ballsy. I couldn't trust him after that.

OP, your wife may not have met with her ex yet but her deleting the text history at the very least tells you her conversations with him were not ones she wanted you to be privy to and if she can't say it in front of you, then she shouldn't be saying it behind your back, she is guilty of an EA at the very least. Her deleting the text thread right as you mentioned it has all but squashed the trust in your marriage. That action alone will be hard to come back from even if she hasn't had any physical contact with her ex.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Get her a new phone, and tell her you are taking the old phone for data / text recovery and you'll see the entire thread. Ask if there is anything she would like to address prior to you reading the texts.


----------



## Seemedlikefun (Nov 9, 2021)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> Deleting her text history with him is quite telling and not in a good way.
> 
> OP, the ball is in your court.
> 
> ...


Wiser words were never spoken!


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

@Jrm82180 How are things going? You doing okay?


----------



## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

Jrm82180 said:


> She wouldn’t admit she did wrong just kept saying there was nothing going on. I asked to see the whole message but she was already deleted it as we were talking. To me that says a lot if there was nothing to hide I should have been able to read everything.


In your heart, you know this is wrong on many levels.

You have two options at this point-

A.) Tuck your tail and take it like a lap dog. 

B.) Take that phone to a recovery specialist and get the dirt. (Don't do the online software stuff... you need a real forensics person here.)

Screw the poly at this point... that phone has the goods. Time is of the essence here may I add.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@Jrm82180,
Do not give her a heads up before doing this.

You can probably recover the deleted messages, if you do it soon. Here are the instructions on how: Recover Permanently Deleted Messages on Facebook Messenger


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> B.) Take that phone to a recovery specialist and get the dirt. (Don't do the online software stuff... you need a real forensics person here.)


May I ask an honest question? Why should he do this?

If the trust is gone, what is the real reason for finding out for sure? Is it for closure? Is it to help with divorce proceedings? I'm just trying to understand the reason for going to the trouble to prove she's lying when you know in your heart she's lying. Seems like a waste of time and energy he could be using to move on and find happiness elsewhere. I'm really not trying to be snarky or anything, I'm truly asking because I don't understand the point of finding out if the trust is already broken.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> May I ask an honest question? Why should he do this?
> 
> If the trust is gone, what is the real reason for finding out for sure? Is it for closure? Is it to help with divorce proceedings? I'm just trying to understand the reason for going to the trouble to prove she's lying when you know in your heart she's lying. Seems like a waste of time and energy he could be using to move on and find happiness elsewhere. I'm really not trying to be snarky or anything, I'm truly asking because I don't understand the point of finding out if the trust is already broken.


Unless you see for yourself, it is very difficult to not believe what the one you love is telling you. Being able to read the messages will expose the undeniable truth.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> May I ask an honest question? Why should he do this?
> 
> If the trust is gone, what is the real reason for finding out for sure? Is it for closure? Is it to help with divorce proceedings? I'm just trying to understand the reason for going to the trouble to prove she's lying when you know in your heart she's lying. Seems like a waste of time and energy he could be using to move on and find happiness elsewhere. I'm really not trying to be snarky or anything, I'm truly asking because I don't understand the point of finding out if the trust is already broken.


Maybe so nothing is hidden and the full truth becomes known? I don’t know if I’d want all the details if I knew that my husband was cheating. But, there could be other reasons to have firm “proof” maybe in the event of divorce and asset division?


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> Maybe so nothing is hidden and the full truth becomes known? I don’t know if I’d want all the details if I knew that my husband was cheating. But, there could be other reasons to have firm “proof” maybe in the event of divorce and asset division?


I'm sure there are reasons, I'd like to understand them. Me, I'd be out the door and I don't care what he did or to know the details. I'd be out like a shot, finished and done. Of course, I say that, but what are the considerations around divorce? It's different for me too because I don't want his money, at all. No money comes without strings, I wouldn't want to owe him anything.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm sure there are reasons, I'd like to understand them. Me, I'd be out the door and I don't care what he did or to know the details. I'd be out like a shot, finished and done. Of course, I say that, but what are the considerations around divorce? It's different for me too because I don't want his money, at all. No money comes without strings, I wouldn't want to owe him anything.


I’m with you. It’s a dealbreaker for me and my husband. This isn’t to say I don’t admire people who reconcile after infidelity strikes their marriage. But, I just don’t think I’d be able to trust again and that would be unfair to the spouse who is doing everything possible to show remorse.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> I’m with you. It’s a dealbreaker for me and my husband. This isn’t to say I don’t admire people who reconcile after infidelity strikes their marriage. But, I just don’t think I’d be able to trust again and that would be unfair to the spouse who is doing everything possible to show remorse.


I don't understand how someone can do that, but I've never walked in their shoes so who's to say what I would do in their place. I feel like it's permission to cheat again, but I know there are people who disagree. I don't think they ever really trust again, they just live with the fact that they can't trust their spouse. I can't imagine staying with someone if I had to be constantly checking up on them and worrying every time they left the house or got a text message at night. It sounds exhausting to me.


----------



## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> May I ask an honest question? Why should he do this?
> 
> If the trust is gone, what is the real reason for finding out for sure? Is it for closure? Is it to help with divorce proceedings? I'm just trying to understand the reason for going to the trouble to prove she's lying when you know in your heart she's lying. Seems like a waste of time and energy he could be using to move on and find happiness elsewhere. I'm really not trying to be snarky or anything, I'm truly asking because I don't understand the point of finding out if the trust is already broken.


1.) Simply because some people WILL NOT believe what is going on unless they see it with their own eyes.
2.) Some people do not know that messages/ pics/ app messages/ etc... can be recovered once deleted
3.) Some people do not know that there are actual forensic experts with technology that can recover stuff even after a factory reset and that are superior to the China-based online stuff.

EDIT- In this instance... I would probably notify her that I needed the phone for the recovery. She already knows the husband is alert... so if she isn't doing anything wrong...then she will have to go along with it... if she refuses him her phone then he has to assume what's done is done. That's just me though.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> 1.) Simply because some people WILL NOT believe what is going on unless they see it with their own eyes.
> 2.) Some people do not know that messages/ pics/ app messages/ etc... can be recovered once deleted
> 3.) Some people do not know that there are actual forensic experts with technology that can recover stuff even after a factory reset and that are superior to the China-based online stuff.
> 
> EDIT- In this instance... I would probably notify her that I needed the phone for the recovery. She already knows the husband is alert... so if she isn't doing anything wrong...then she will have to go along with it... if she refuses him her phone then he has to assume what's done is done. That's just me though.


So this is because sometimes the husband/wife doesn’t believe there was really cheating until he/she sees proof?


----------



## Rooster Cogburn (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> So this is because sometimes the husband/wife doesn’t believe there was really cheating until he/she sees proof?


That's a good question. I would mostly answer 'Yes' to that... however, I think their mind is in 'protection' mode or 'shock' and are trying to rationalize it away with help from the spouse's response.

And that probably depends on the person and the situation. Some could walk away with exactly what the OP has and some want to see the conversations in detail/ sexting/ etc.

While I don't like the word- It's probably going to be subjective for everyone.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> That's a good question. I would mostly answer 'Yes' to that... however, I think their mind is in 'protection' mode or 'shock' and are trying to rationalize it away with help from the spouse's response.
> 
> And that probably depends on the person and the situation. Some could walk away with exactly what the OP has and some want to see the conversations in detail/ sexting/ etc.
> 
> While I don't like the word- It's probably going to be subjective for everyone.


A Lot of people will do anything to not make a decent. Denial is a short term comfort zone. 
Right now the heart is probably overruling the brain. 
I love her so she must love me too fallacy. Nope, actions tell you mor3 than words.
Plus most honest people can’t understand dishonesty.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Plus most honest people can’t understand dishonesty.


It's what makes some people seem naïve or foolish, that complete disconnect and lack of understanding of how someone could hurt someone else so cruelly and easily. 😔


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rooster Cogburn said:


> That's a good question. I would mostly answer 'Yes' to that... however, I think their mind is in 'protection' mode or 'shock' and are trying to rationalize it away with help from the spouse's response.
> 
> And that probably depends on the person and the situation. Some could walk away with exactly what the OP has and some want to see the conversations in detail/ sexting/ etc.
> 
> While I don't like the word- It's probably going to be subjective for everyone.


OK, thank you for explaining.


----------

