# Give a cake-eater what they want...



## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

and suddenly they don't want it. 

Long story short, WH has been doing all manner of crap behind my back... basically since we got married. DDay was Dec 7, 2012 (found pics of the OW on his phone, which he promptly lied about - yawn).

Fast forward... 

I'm still in limbo. I know ultimately this will end, but we have a child and it makes things harder than I would have imagined. 

Physically and emotionally, I have checked out. Told him so. No love, no sex, nothing. Told him that at the MOST, all I can offer is to stay for the sake of our kid and he can go on as before. I have no interest in a new relationship, so basically all I want is the ability to remain a SAHM (which would not happen if we divorce). Basically reducing him to a paycheck. 

Cold? Yep. 10 years of lies and betrayal gets you nothing but a block of ice. 

Still... I know he has "needs" (ohhhh boy, those needs!) and have given him the green light to continue as before. He can have all the wh0res and strippers in the world. It will basically be a "don't ask, don't tell" policy (although getting another woman pregnant will signal instant divorce. NO WAY will I have joint assets divvied up with some skank). Anyhoo, all things considered, I thought I was being rather generous.

WRONG.

WTF? 

Is it the fact that because I know and am OK with it that kills the thrill? 

He cries and says he is a changed man (still vehemently denying any PA though). He cries and says it is because he knows that I don't love him anymore. He says he doesn't want any part of his old life. Smothers me with affection. Plans date nights. 

I am not doing the 180. I honestly have checked out. Caring hurts, so I stopped. But the way he is reacting just confounds me. 

I am giving him what he wanted. What's the problem? Is it a guy thing to want to have his main woman's heart while having another woman's body? 

I am seriously not understanding this.


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

It's the phrase "you don't know what you had until it's gone."

It sounds to me like he enjoys a chase. The idea of being in love, but lack of commitment. 

Sorry you are here but glad you are seeking support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

One of the addictive behaviors of betrayers is doing so and getting away with it. Now you have taken that away and he is in withdrawals. He has to win you back so he can feed his addiction.

But you are playing a dangerous game. He can only be pushed only so far before he leaves you on his terms. 

If the relationship is really dead, end it for all your sakes.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> One of the addictive behaviors of betrayers is doing so and getting away with it. Now you have taken that away and he is in withdrawals. He has to win you back so he can feed his addiction.
> 
> But you are playing a dangerous game. He can only be pushed only so far before he leaves you on his terms.
> 
> If the relationship is really dead, end it for all your sakes.


No game. I have simply defined the marriage in a way that protects me. I want him to leave, have told him so, but he refuses, saying he will do whatever it takes, etc. 
I did suspect his addictive personality coming into play. I'm the "new" challenge perhaps? 
In any event, I am basically offering an open version of the marriage we already had. 
I guess secrets, lies, betrayal and destroying the person you're supposed to love is "sexy".

Hmmm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You did not give the cake eater what he wants.

He wants you to love him, have a sex life with him, etc. And he wants to have affairs on the side.

You have taken away much of what he needs from you. That's why he's crying and carrying on.

There is a very good possibility that now that he stands to lose you he has seen the light and changed. I've seen it happen. 

I caution you against staying under the terms that you are thinking of. It will turn you into a bitter woman. I've seen that as well. 

Staying with a man just to use him for support so you can be a SAHM is, well using him. It's a form of abuse. You will also be teaching your children that this is what they can expect in marriage.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Serial cheater 10 years. Get checked for STDs. Wants you back but won't admit?

So you can date if you feel up to it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Sooner or later he'll get tired of being a paycheck, he has no reason to stay in the marriage.


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

If you checked out. Stop checking His paycheck. Get a job. Move out. And stop using the man. No matter what the situation is manipulating a marriage into something other than what is suppose to be is no better than what He did. 

Sounds like He knows He did wrong to me. Sure He may be one of the ones that doesn't get a chance at R. But there is no reason to continue to use him and provide a horrible living condition for the child. You are wrong in that decision.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I agree with your stance. Since they want it, force them to have it. Nothing like the human psyche constantly defining a need versus a want. Sheer gluttony.. Let him vomit on it. I applaud you for taking a firm stance. Develop yourself during this process, into a radiant, thriving person. How many of us have uncontrollably been placed in your position, with your stance against our wills? You have the unfortunate but nonetheless, luxury of controlling your environment under these conditions. Even if he leaves, you already left. Now he has the distinct pleasure of seeing you redefined as his forbidden fruit, morning, noon and night. So what if he's a paycheck? When a man marries, that's his duty anyway. The more he grovels, the more pathetic the sum total of his choices make him. Maintain your stance at your own pace and enjoy yourself outside of his suffocation. It's what he subconsciously wanted, it's what he got.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Actually I knew an alcoholic who, when his alcoholism was discovered reacted in a similar way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

At least let your kid know what's going on. You don't love his/her father anymore because he cheated and are only staying married because you want his paycheck so you can be a SAHM. Get a job and move on with your life.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

"Is it the fact that because I know and am OK with it that kills the thrill? "

I think that might be the case. There is no adrenaline rush to it. Think of being a kid, how boring the game of hide and seek was after you are found, and have to wait for the rest of the kids to be found. Dull! The poor guy has been disenfranchised. He doesn't even have the option of making the pretension or grandstanding of dropping the one woman while taking up with another one under your radar. He's lost his audience. It takes two people to lie - one to tell it and one to accept/believe it, and lying is the game here...and he's lost his partner. 

I tell myself something before I start work on something that means a lot to me...or when I feel strongly about it...don't expect anyone but me to give a sh*t. And when my kids are just a bit older, I will explain this fact of life to them...that they better care strongly and believe in what they're doing, because it's their thing, and to expect anyone to feel the same way about it as they do is to ask too much of someone else.

Your H's issue is that he did. He expected you to care more about his actions than he did. Now that you don't, the air has been let out of his balloon. If I were you, I'd expect him to crash. He may become depressed, or worse. It depends on whether his actions were to fill a need for deceit, or based on the need to manipulate and to maintain a status of power. If it was power-based, you can expect trouble.

Stick to your guns, but stay safe. Don't get too attached to the idea of being a stay-at-home mom. For that you need a home, not just a roof over your head. With one child, it should be easy enough to make a home happen, with or without a paycheck from a man, if things become unsettled, and unsettling. trust your gut!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

ScorchedEarth said:


> I have no interest in a new relationship, so basically all I want is the ability to remain a SAHM (which would not happen if we divorce). Basically reducing him to a paycheck.


OP how old are you?

These kind of quotes make me so sad.

Ugh. Divorce and move on with life. Yes, you picked poorly. Life is FULL of poor choices. 

Statistically, as an adult female who made it through childhood you will live in excess of 80 years. Dont waste the NEXT 40+ish YEARS of your life! You CAN love again. You feel so bad now because you felt so good when you were in love.

Yes men can be loyal. I have not so much as lip kissed a woman since before I asked for exclusivity with my now wife. 13+ years. A good friend of mine was a real hound dog when single. He brags about his 15 years of fidelity. He knows his limitations and ACTIVELY avoids situations that could get him in trouble. TAM itself makes you MUCH MUCH MUCH stronger and better at picking loyal partners and setting boundaries early.

Again. START OVER. Yes, trusting again is hard. But think how incredibly intensely wonderful that first sex after the first "I love you's" with your new man will be...


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

Well, I know exactly what you mean. The last eleven years, my WH did the sex chatting, porn addiction and secret fetish thing. The last 5 years, he had an EA he was attempting to make a PA.
It's been a bitter pill to swallow. I too have been baffled as to why he suddenly wants to stop and stay in the marriage. 
It didn't take long for our therapist to point out his obvious addictive personality. And it's not just with sex and porn. He uses anything to check himself out of reality. Just last night my daughter asked him the same question 4 times. He didn't hear her because he was lost in his show. That happens regularly. I've stopped trying to snap him out of it, I just end up answering and trying to give my kids what they need. 
I've made one of the conditions for me to stick around (for now, no promises about the future) is that he gets himself into an addiction program. He's done that. He's in serious withdrawl and struggling. He says any doubts he had that he is an addict are gone now. 

If you WH is serious about changing, maybe bring up a similar course of action to see his reaction???

I'm also a stay at home mom! Isn't this all a big mindfvck?? He has totally ripped away my sense of security. We decided this arrangement together, now I feel very alone. He says even if things don't work out he'll support me in getting a career as long as I took care of the kids while he built up his own career. Still, how am I supposed to believe that?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

EleGirl nailed it. Hard core cake eaters "need" you in your role, otherwise it won't "work" for him.
If you finnaly end in divorce (If you dont file he will as soon he realizes you are removed from the equation) he will get another one to replace you (your role) and he will keep having cakes on the side. It's what works for him.
The Unified Theory of Cake

I'm more worried about your hopelessness. You deserve better, you can work and find something worthy of your love. Thre's someone outhere for you.
It also worries me the message you are sending your child, what's "normal" and what's not. It will have long lasting effects, no doubt about it.
Prepare an exit plan, please, he will file sooner than later if you stick to this plan. You can try a mid/long term exit plan involving getting work skills... envision a better life ahead.

ETA
Just read your latest post.
Take adventage of his offer now he's somehow desperate. Get a carreer.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

"Is it the fact that because I know and am OK with it that kills the thrill? "

I think there is a lot of truth to this, at least for my H. I think he secretly liked the sneaking around and deceit of his virtual/phone/cyber affair. Every time he had contact with her via phone/text/messaging and I had not discovered it it was a bit of a thrill for him. His secret time in his fantasy life with her made it all the more fun.

He also has an addictive personality, cannot get away from card games on the computer, gets really involved with a political group online, friends on FB or whatever his current new thing is. These are not part of his cheating, they are things he is transparent about, I can see exactly what he is doing, but he gets stuck doing them.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Wow!

OK, um, where to start... lol

Well, to address the "get a job" comments - I had a career. Gave it up because HE wanted me to after we had our child. That being the case, he can support me from now on. Even if he chooses to be an a$$, we have been married over 10 years. Everything is half mine. 401K included. His parents are horrified by what he has done (the kicker will be when I make him tell his brother. He and his brother are very close and I know he is dreading telling his best friend the truth about what a crap husband he has been to me. SN: BIL and I get on great. In fact, I do so with all the family. When my WH told his parents, my FIL came to me and said that they 100% blame him and will do whatever they can to support me, no matter what.) So, for all the "you are using him" comments, no, I am not. HE wanted this arrangement. I am 33. I have held a job since age 15. I was the one supporting us financially in the early years when he was fresh out of law school with a mountain of student loan debt and no job. NO WAY do I feel guity for this. Nope.

Next up - our child is still a toddler and too young to know what is going on, but I understand that will change as the years pass and will cross that bridge when I get to it. As I have said, I am ready to move on. WH does not want to, so why not make the most out of it for ME? 

I dealt with someone who was selfish for the entire course of our marriage. Unlike him though, I have defined the perameters. No lies. Unlike me, he is not in the dark. He knows exactly how I feel, exactly what I want. If I am "using" him, it's with his permission. If I am "abusing" him, again, it is with his full knowledge and permission. Unlike him, I don't lie, tell him I love him, have sex with him, all the while scheming and plotting, living a secret life like he did (and may still do - there is no way for me to know and quite frankly, I have grown tired of playing detective. If he is, he is.)

Again, all I have done is opened the door, let in the light, and offered him the freedom he wants. But, now that it IS out in the open, with my knowledge and consent, he doesn't want it. 

As has been pointed out by others, I am assuming that the thrill of the forbidden is gone and that's why he doesn't want to continue with his activities. Either it's no longer fun because it's out in the open OR, again, as has been pointed out, by shutting myself down emotionally and physically, I have taken his main cake away, and now he doesn't want the slice on the side.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

My WH will go sooner than later  He does like the idea of me being home to do wife things but he wants the thrill of "new" and I simply will not share him with another woman, period! So we will end a near 16 year relationship. We have been together since 97, moved in together in 1998 and got married in 2004. 

It is what it is. Yes his paycheck would be nice, because once he goes to OW he will basically have no bills except a credit card. The only major debt we have is our mortgage and each have a small credit card balance (I have worked hard to get us out of debt), but I cannot control what he does, I can only control how it affects me. Yes I have done my share of crying alone and with him, but in the end it is only me that I control. I will miss him/us/our marriage/future retirement/traveling. I can complete the bucket list on my own, but I would prefer for him to be with me. This is my second marriage, his third. I will never do it again and doubt I will even date or if I do not seriously.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Acabado said:


> I'm more worried about your hopelessness. You deserve better, you can work and find something worthy of your love. Thre's someone outhere for you.
> It also worries me the message you are sending your child, what's "normal" and what's not. It will have long lasting effects, no doubt about it.
> Prepare an exit plan, please, he will file sooner than later if you stick to this plan. You can try a mid/long term exit plan involving getting work skills... envision a better life ahead.


Quoted for truth.
Even the men's hearts ache for you.

MOVE ON. THERE IS A MAN OUT THERE FOR YOU. He will love you. Imagine having a man who never hurt you and looking into his eyes and seeing NO GUILT, just his love for you.
JUST DO IT! MAKE IT HAPPEN!


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Why is there an assumption that I WANT another man? Or another relationship? 

I know how I am. Once bitten, twice shy. Any man that comes after will be treated like a suspect from the get-go. For me to try and engage myself with someone else, carrying all this baggage, would be utterly cruel. One of the many pathetic excuses my husband uses for the way he is, is that he was mistreated and cheated on by women (he was raised in a religious home where *everything* was a sin so he was a little stunted in the social arena), so then he hardened up and decided to start treating women like garbage in return. So I know firsthand (assuming he is being honest in this) of what it is like to pay the price for someone elses sins. I will not even run the risk of doing that to someone else.

Besides, for the first time in a long time, heck, my whole life even, I am calling the shots. Even if he leaves... I expect it. There is nothing more he can do to hurt me. The wall is up. I have no expectations of him. None. Ok, so he leaves. We split the joint assets, then because of the length of our marriage and HIS insistance that I give up my career, it would not be difficult to convince a judge to award me alimony - especially in light of the infidelities. Add the alcoholism, DUI arrest, and other addictions that he has been in therapy for, and I'm pretty much guaranteed full custody (if he chooses to be an a$$ and I fight it. No judge in his or her right mind is going to give an alcoholic man full custody of a child. Where we live, unless the mother is a complete and utter write off, she will *always* get the kid.)

So I have decided that the formula for my life going forward will be... no expectations = no disappointments.

So far, so good.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

So go ahead and enjoy your life!


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

ScorchedEarth said:


> Why is there an assumption that I WANT another man? Or another relationship?
> 
> I know how I am. Once bitten, twice shy. Any man that comes after will be treated like a suspect from the get-go. For me to try and engage myself with someone else, carrying all this baggage, would be utterly cruel. One of the many pathetic excuses my husband uses for the way he is, is that he was mistreated and cheated on by women (he was raised in a religious home where *everything* was a sin so he was a little stunted in the social arena), so then he hardened up and decided to start treating women like garbage in return. So I know firsthand (assuming he is being honest in this) of what it is like to pay the price for someone elses sins. I will not even run the risk of doing that to someone else.
> 
> ...


I'm with you on this S.E.. I don't think you're "using" your WS, as some have suggested. If he doesn't like it, he can leave.

I don't think he'll stop. For that long anyway. As soon as some "normalacey" returned, I beleive he would be off again.

Sneaking it, is as big of a thrill, as the actual act of cheating is for some WS's. When/If he is able to do it behind your back once again, he won't be able to resist the temptation.

I wouldn't even take that chance.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I'm with you on this S.E.. I don't think you're "using" your WS, as some have suggested. If he doesn't like it, he can leave.
> 
> I don't think he'll stop. For that long anyway. As soon as some "normalacey" returned, I beleive he would be off again.
> 
> ...


It wouldn't matter. He can't "cheat" on me now, because I don't care, and offer nothing in the realm of a marital relationship other than keeping house and co-parenting.

I have given him the green light to do as he pleases - whether that be other women or leaving. Sure, he can lie to me, but I expect it. He can "cheat" - and I expect that too. That being said, I'm not sure what more damage he can do. I expect little to nothing from him. 

But, my original question was why he is turning down the very thing that he betrayed me for in the first place. I think I'm going with the "It's not fun now that you know" reason, coupled with "I don't want the side slice if I can't have the whole cake too".


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think serial cheaters really don't know any other life. They go into marriage with a biplanar view of their romantic/sexual lives. There is the spouse, whom in their own minds they really do love and respect, and then there are all the other conquests. These two planes are just there for them. They are not aberrations at all. This is how they have always lived as adults. 

Your H probably had his slices on the side for the whole time he has been with you, including before you were married. People like this are extremely good at hiding what they do because they know that society disapproves. They themselves, however, usually believe that societal disapprobation is really just an artificial construct - that we are not monogamous and if we think we are, we are in denial of our real natures.

I think your H really did/does value you and in his own way does love you. You are erasing a necessary plane of his life and this is painful for him. There is another poster here, the bishop, who sounds a lot like your H. You can check out his posts. He came clean with his W and sincerely (apparently) wanted to reform, but she kicked him out and didn't look back.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

"These two planes are just there for them. They are not aberrations at all. This is how they have always lived as adults. "

They are masters of compartmentalizing. My H said this past time when he rekindled his cyber fling he really never thought of her when he was with me, didn't see it as harmful to us, it was just a fantasy life he lived on the side. He truly believes this and says this past year was, in his mind, the best year we've had in a long time.

Of course it was, for him. He had everything he wanted . We were really making an effort to communicate and take time for us, have some fun after many years of the grind of working the business 24/7. Little did I know.

I have told him what he did wiped out the entire 12 months for me, but he really doesn't feel this way for himself. He keeps trying to tell me it wasn't like before, we were not as intense, not running out to text/call each other all the time, mostly just casual chatting , and only occasionally. Whatever, unfortunately for him, I cannot really believe anything he says about that now.

He's trying very hard now to convince me it will never happen again, but of course only time will tell.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

ScorchedEarth said:


> Why is there an assumption that I WANT another man? Or another relationship?
> 
> I know how I am. Once bitten, twice shy. Any man that comes after will be treated like a suspect from the get-go. For me to try and engage myself with someone else, carrying all this baggage, would be utterly cruel. One of the many pathetic excuses my husband uses for the way he is, is that he was mistreated and cheated on by women (he was raised in a religious home where
> 
> ...


:iagree: If this is true, it is quite insightful.


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