# Shes sorry for the way this "turned out"....



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hows that for accountability?
Sorry for the way things "turned out". As if by an act of God a lightening bolt came down and zapped her into this cheating state of conciousness? Lying, hiding secrets, playing along with the marriage, while fking someone else on the side?
Gee, look at that. Look how it all "turned out"... 

The absolute seperation between herself and her actions for all intents and purposes to remain free from any accountability. 
I dont care what kind of a-hole I might have been in her eyes, nothing warrants nor justifies cheating. 
She could have just been done with me and we divorce. 
That would have been a "way things turn out", as opposed to directly destroying the marriage and family by her chosen actions.

Man, thats going to be something I have to take a look at in the future, when dating. If I screw something up, I am first to admit it, and will exhaust all resources to right the wrong.
If I start dating someone, and hear her avoid culpability or influence on problems or issues, its going to be a huge red flag for me. 
There is so much more to an apology, than the words themselves.

Of course, I am not sitting there trying to get her to think anyway or admit to anything. We are divorced and its all done and I am just trying to put things past me. 
But everytime any discussion or email comes along relating to the child and her life, I have to suddenly play along like this divorce was some impending "event of life" that neither of us had any control over. I dont like having to discuss things and take that frame of mind when what she did has left us in this situation, and effecting all these areas we have to discuss.
Sit right down in front of my child and lie to her, saying "WE BOTH WANTED" this divorce...
Of course, you cant explain the truth to your child, lest you be blamed for parental alienation. But dont they sort of alienate themselves? I dont want to live, and discuss, and absorb any blame on this. I wasnt even given the opportunity to change anything that might have been problems for my wife at the time, she never said that I did anything or acted anyway. She just got busted for cheating and hit that divorce button. She filed. She hired the lawyer. She snuck around for a year with another man before finally being found out. Truly someone who thinks they can do no wrong, and havent the slightest inclination towards shame for themselves. 

It blows my mind.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

welcome to my world except i had a cheating husband like that. I can totally feel your frustration. It has been more than a year and I still feel angry about things. Except with me I did not even get the notorious " I am sorry how things turned out" He acts like we had some sort of contract to have a child and part our own ways. Talk about feeling USED!


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Sorry for the way things "turned out".


I recall hearing that same line come out of my ex-husband's mouth as well. It took almost 3 years before my ex-husband showed honest remorse and accountability for his undesirable behaviors which were a huge factor in bringing our marriage to an end.

I have always stated that I was not perfect nor faultless in our marriage, but his choices definitely brought about the most damage to our marriage.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Shoo,
That is a very key thing to watch for when dating. The bit below is from a longer doc I wrote on things to look for in a partner:


*Apologies:* The technical term for this section is “error management”. I am not even going to call this “conflict” management. Because there are folks who excel at “jumping over” their own bad behavior. Literally they pretend like nothing happened, and they often get away with it. This is a big aspect of a relationship, maybe even be THE biggest one. We all make mistakes, treat each other unfairly, etc. The list below goes from your basic perfect world, slowly down the steps to Hell. For the purpose of this discussion, let’s pick a case where a few things are true. (1) Your partner has very clearly treated you badly. (2) There is no way they would tolerate you doing to them, what they just did to you. (3) You are no longer “in the moment”, and in fact have some quality time in which the event can/should be addressed. 

I call this section “apologies” only because that is actually the standard way in which 21st century people think about redress. The irony is that a “spoken” apology might mean a lot, and it might mean almost nothing. You cannot tell the first time around. You can however tell if someone keeps doing the same “unkind” thing to you and then sincerely apologizing. Those apologies are hollow. 

1.	GOLD STANDARD: THEY bring it up shortly after it happens. They don’t wait to see if you will let it go. THEY believe you deserve better than that. They apologize, commit to behaving better next time, and do something nice for you to show their contrition is sincere.
2.	When you bring it up they apologize, commit to fixing it and perform some acts of contrition. 
3.	They don’t apologize but they DO commit to not repeating the behavior. If sincere, this is actually WAY more important than an apology. 
4.	They sincerely apologize but avoid committing to change. Beware the “empty” apology that means nothing. This step is however a positive step. By the second or third empty apology you simply begin insisting on a commitment to improve.
5.	They flat out refuse to commit to handling that type situation differently/better in the future 
6.	They give you the non-apology. Some variation of “I am sorry if that hurt your feelings”. The implication is that you are too sensitive. 
7.	They go into “lawyer” mode and explain that while normally this behavior is frowned on, in this specific case it was justified by “insert long, self serving rationalization”. 
8.	They directly blame you. If only you hadn’t forgotten to take about the trash on Memorial day 3 years ago, they wouldn’t still be angry and would never have done this. 
9.	They deny the whole thing. Look you in the eye and deny that it ever happened. 
10.	They deny the whole thing and attack you for even SUGGESTING they might do something like that.
11.	They deny, attack you for suggesting it and then blow it up into “I am not even talking to you until you apologize” for even saying such a thing. 







Shooboomafoo said:


> Hows that for accountability?
> Sorry for the way things "turned out". As if by an act of God a lightening bolt came down and zapped her into this cheating state of conciousness? Lying, hiding secrets, playing along with the marriage, while fking someone else on the side?
> Gee, look at that. Look how it all "turned out"...
> 
> ...


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## Endgame (Nov 6, 2011)

Did she also play the "victim" role as well, even though she was the one who was the author of all the misery? Blame shifting?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

It was a super-fast ride from finding out she was having an EA, to confronting, her denial, her saying she'd delete his number and have nothing to do with him, to family camping trip, (she msgs him), to me waking up one night to use the rr and her phone goes off, displaying text msgs in a string that show undeniable proof of involvement. From that moment on, when she KNEW inside herself that she had been caught, she turned the issue into "I dont love you anymore, this has been the case for a while". So naturally, this absolves all her cheating and lying, becuase well, she hadnt loved me for a while.
By this time though she was already talking to guy #2, and establishing the groundwork for her plan of exit. 
I saw all the signs.
New clothes, more feminine, versus sweatsuits.
More dangly jewelery, gym membership, tanning salons, nail and hair appointments.
Anti aging makeup, more makeup, changing tastes in music and more girls nights out.

Basically, once her lies were uncovered she hit the divorce button and made her escape. The rationale being, if she gets away from me as fast as possible and moves on, then all this goes away, and no one can hold her accountable for destroying her family.
I sat there going from hell, to hope, to hell again and then she was gone. 

It leaves you feeling like someone has done you a great wrong, and it was never rectified or addressed. No apology, no ownership of everything. After 16 years with a person, and then watch them in a matter of months transform into a stranger.


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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> She could have just been done with me and we divorce.
> That would have been a "way things turn out", as opposed to directly destroying the marriage and family by her chosen actions.


If it makes you feel any better, a "way things turn out" felt no different to me then how you feel, and my Ex did not have an affair (that I know of).

A destroyed marriage is a destroyed marraige no matter how it is done. Affair, gown apart, new and different interest, it really makes no difference. A destroyed life is a destroyed life. We only have one option; move on.

It sucks, and no amount of rationalization changes the fact that the other person bailed. Whatever the reason. They chose the "way things turn out" and nothing they say changes that fact. No amount of "I never thought this would happen" "I'm so sorry" "You will always be a part of me" statements change the fact that they screwed it all up.....


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Endgame said:


> Did she also play the "victim" role as well, even though she was the one who was the author of all the misery? Blame shifting?


Hah, I got lots of that from my stbx.

She admitted to lying about her willingness to have a fulfilling sex life (she knew if she had been honest I would have refused to marry her), lied about her willingness to help around the home, over time refused to help financially as my income increased, disrespected me as a parent but did not really treat the kids well if she did not feel like it, refused counseling.

But, in the end the divorce is my fault. nice one 

Seriously though, my point is to show that indeed people are unreasonable and willing to tell themselves anything to protect their fragile egos. You will never get the satisfaction of saying "yeah, I screwed up and just don't care". The best revenge truly is living well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would have given anything to hear my exH say those words to me, Shoo. He never even eluded to an apology.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> But everytime any discussion or email comes along relating to the child and her life, I have to suddenly play along like this divorce was some impending "event of life" that neither of us had any control over.


No you don't have to play along. There is nothing wrong w/ saying in front of her and your kids and you family "You cheated on me. You committed adultery". 

You are just stating the facts. Say it without anger. You cheated. When she gets all in a snit, just repeat it. You cheated.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

shoo:
Never got an apology, I apologized for my contribution (perfectionism/control). He said he didn't even know what forgiveness was.

I can identify with the quick change artist. Everything he liked was trashed and this new persona emerged. Didn't know this person at all.

It all happened very quickly. And nothing mattered just their selfish pursuit of gratifying self.

Have not heard from him since August.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Same here...she ran from the problem into someone else's arms! No it's HIS problem!

Victim role...check
Not Responsible for any of it...check
Mediation makes her feel bad....check
Lawyer out to screw her......check
"He understands me".......check 

LOL

I called her and told her I forgave her for everything, she said she was sorry. The difference is, a person that forgives another NEVER brings it back up again, and is offering the other person forgiveness for good.

A person that says they are sorry is saying that for THEIR OWN good feelings, not yours. 

The day you ex comes to you and asks for forgiveness is the day they actually acknowledge their failures. Don't hold your breath, and don't wait around...

Move on with your life and find happiness that awaits you just around the corner!


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