# My partner of 9 years is not my family, apparantly



## Guest (Dec 1, 2008)

Okay,

When I was 13, I realised I was gay. When I came out to my family, they were very supportive and not judgemental at all.

I met a guy named Collin at age 16, we started a relationship, and in 2005 Civil Partnerships, affording all the same rights as marriage, became legal so we got hitched. My parents came to the ceremony and gave us their 'blessing'.

However, that same year my Civil Partner ('husband', essentially) spent Christmas at my family's house. My parents were not too fond of the idea, and when I pointed out that they were ecstatic to find out my sister's husband and my brother's wife were coming spending Christmas at the house, they responded, "Well, that's different - they're MARRIED, they're FAMILY. Christmas is family time." I was quite upset by this, and explained that even though Civil Partnerships had a different name to marriage, I considered my husband family, and I found it upsetting that they didn't too. They apologised afterward, and I accepted.

A few days ago, my mother was to be presented with an award from the local board of governers for outstanding contribtuion to schools and educations. It was all very formal, with reservations and seating arrangements at the award ceremony needing to be made. My parents reserved 6 seats - my father, my brother, his wife, my sister her husband, and me. She invited me over the phone, and upon asking when 'we' should arrive she fell silent. After a pause, she confessed that reserving a seat for Collin had not even crossed her mind. I sighed and agreed to come anyway, on my own. Collin was obviously very upset by not being invited. Incidently an earlier year I went to his family's house for Christmas, his parents were lovely as usual, and they seemed much more enthusiastic about our Civil Ceremony.

So I went along to the ceremony, and I was greeted by my mother who was very pleased to see me and not remotely showing any sympathy for me coming alone. After my brother's wife came in late, my father then proclaimed cheerfully that the 'whole family' was here at last. I got a little angry at this and pointed out that Collin, essentially his son-in-law, wasn't here, and he replied by saying, "Well there's no need for the bitterness, Alex - we came to your and Collin's little do, it's nice that your doing the same for your mother."

'Little do'? A celebration of a lifelong committment meant that much to my father? I pointed this out to him, and he replied very casually that it wasn't quite the same as marriage. I replied by explaining AGAIN that I considered a Civil Partnership a marriage, even though it didn't have the same name. And then my father said something I didn't think he'd ever say:

"Well, it's not just that, it's _fundamentally_ different, isn't it?" Then without a second look, he turned around and walked off. Burning with fury, I simply left the hall and caught the train back home. I left a message on my mother's answering machine: "Well, I'm sorry I didn't attend your little do, but since it wasn't a wedding I didn't think it worth my time." then slammed down the phone.

My parents haven't contacted me since, and I feel extremely guilty. Obviously the sarcastic message was uncalled for, but was I right in not attending the award ceremony to make my point? I'm stuck here wondering how to apologise and I feel awful. 

Any suggestions on how to fix resolve this from where I'm standing?

Thanks for any suggestions in advance,
Alex Fider


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ah alex. i feel for you. my brother has this in store for him, well worse actually, and he doenst even know it yet. my sisters have already told me that if he ever meets someone and he wants to bring him around, well, they wont have it. im sure my mom will die of an anuerisum. Im very close to my brother and i feel for your situation the same as if it was my brother. 

I hope you do not lose your family over this. give them time to adjust. i know, you're thinking its been a long time already, but changing the very moral foundation of ones family is no small feat. It takes a long, long time. but with patience, and kindness, you can bring them around...well, maybe not your dad. 

and that brings me to another point. you are gay. ok, fine. but that is not the whole of who you are. there is a lot more to you. remember not to make this a focal point of your life, especially with your dad. you have other interests that can create a stronger foundation to build on. sometimes, especially with family, you have to start by focusing on what helps you get along. then you can slowly try to intergrate this very heated subject. some people will slowly start to accept your lifestyle, but you cant expect everyone to accept your lifestyle, even though it hurts deeply that they dont.

which brings me to my last point. my mom doesnt accept that i cant stand her religion. it was a huge issue for us. and i know she will flip when my brother brings someone around. there will always be those who cannot accept a certain aspect of your lifestyle. but that does not mean you have to fight about it. the more you try and make them, the more fights you will have. and you will eventually alienate yourself. If you want them to respect you, you will also have to learn to respect and accept them. just as they are. 

i know it hurts when loved ones cant accept something that is so intergral to you, but that does not mean you have to be enemies and fight about it. Just remember if you want respect you have to give it. be grateful your family even considers letting collin come around. my brother will not even have that luxury. you at least have something to work with.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

ljtseng said:


> ah alex. i feel for you. my brother has this in store for him, well worse actually, and he doenst even know it yet. my sisters have already told me that if he ever meets someone and he wants to bring him around, well, they wont have it. im sure my mom will die of an anuerisum. Im very close to my brother and i feel for your situation the same as if it was my brother.
> 
> I hope you do not lose your family over this. give them time to adjust. i know, you're thinking its been a long time already, but changing the very moral foundation of ones family is no small feat. It takes a long, long time. but with patience, and kindness, you can bring them around...well, maybe not your dad.
> 
> ...


:iagree: with the words of wisdom even though no one in my family is gay.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

well said, ljtseng.

To be honest, Alex, I was relieved at the start of your post to hear that your parents were supportive and non-judgemental when you told them you were gay. I'm sorry to hear they haven't fully accepted your life-long commitment to Collin, because you are put in a position of feeling you have to choose between your husband and family when these family events come up. 

You can apologize and make ammends and at the same time let your mother know why rejecting Collin is so hurtful to you. I hope they will come around in time.


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## Guest (Dec 2, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> ///


Thank you.  I'm very sorry about your brother - at least my parents are cordial to Collin and let him round.

My parents are not Christian per se, but they do hold very traditional values and morals. So whilst they do not believe homosexuality is sinful as such, they do not see it as favourable compared to heterosexuality.

You are right in that homosexuality is not crucial to my identity, but on the flipside my lifelong relationship with Collin is, sort of. We do lots of things as 'one unit', as it were, we double date (with other gay and lesbian couples as well as straight ones) we always share things etc. So whilst I never specifically made my homosexuality an issue, the Civil Partnership DID make my homosexuality an issue unintentionally... sorry that was a bad way of explaining it, hopefully you get what I mean. 

I contacted my brother and sister this morning and explained that I was sorry for what happened, but (and I wasn't ever going to tell my parents this) although I never wanted to be in a position to choose between Collin and my parents, if push came to shove, then my parents... would loose. 

It's interesting that you picked up that my father would be less likely to accept my lifestyle, because my sister said I should put Collin first, whereas my brother rebuked me and said family should come first (he meant my birth family). I was going to tell him that he'd pick his own wife over his parents if he were in my position... but decided not to add fuel to the fire and changed the subject. I figured females were more accepting than males (and as you'll see below, I/ you are right!)

My mother has recently phoned me and apologised profusely for the errors she recognised she had made. I was quite glad, because she managed to list all the things she knew she had done to hurt me and promised they'd never happen again (I have a hunch that my sister had explained why I was upset... trust a female to put into words what a male uses actions to communicate). She ended by asking me to apologise to my husband for her - I was very happy because this is the first time she'd called him that. I thanked her sincerely for this.  So, the two females are sorted out. As for father and brother... we'll see. 



swedish said:


> well said, ljtseng.
> 
> To be honest, Alex, I was relieved at the start of your post to hear that your parents were supportive and non-judgemental when you told them you were gay. I'm sorry to hear they haven't fully accepted your life-long commitment to Collin, because you are put in a position of feeling you have to choose between your husband and family when these family events come up.
> 
> You can apologize and make ammends and at the same time let your mother know why rejecting Collin is so hurtful to you. I hope they will come around in time.


Thanks very much for your insightful words of comfort and advice,

Alex Fider

P.S. On a more cheerful level, I'm digging these smilies. :smthumbup:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow can i tell you how lucky you are. i can understand that you would have to chose your H over your paternal family, if it came down to it. i would do the same with my H. but i dont think, in your case, it will have to come down to that. give them the benefit of the doubt. it sounds like amist very strong feelings, your family is coming around. good for you for sticking up for your H  . You're one lucky guy :smthumbup:


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## Guest (Dec 2, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> wow can i tell you how lucky you are. i can understand that you would have to chose your H over your paternal family, if it came down to it. i would do the same with my H. but i dont think, in your case, it will have to come down to that.


I sincerely hope not; for all their flaws they were there from birth and I do love them truly and hope that my relationship with my parents/ siblings can return to what it was before this fiasco began. 



> give them the benefit of the doubt. it sounds like amist very strong feelings, your family is coming around. good for you for sticking up for your H  . You're one lucky guy :smthumbup:


I am indeed, have to remember that. Some people get kicked out of their homes completely for coming out to their families, I didn't.

And anyway, whether it be with parents, siblings, or, when it comes down to it, spouses, no relationship is without its turmoil. Hopefully in a while we can look back on the whole thing and say, "Well, nothing in life is perfect". 

Thanks again for your words of comfort,

Alex Fider


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Alex_Fider said:


> And anyway, whether it be with parents, siblings, or, when it comes down to it, spouses, no relationship is without its turmoil. Hopefully in a while we can look back on the whole thing and say, "Well, nothing in life is perfect".



Very true. Relationships cause people to grow, learn, and adjust. In your case its your sexual orientation, in my case its b/c im not asian. C'est la vive!


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## Guest (Dec 2, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> in my case its b/c im not asian. C'est la vive!


Your parents don't like that you're not asian?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Alex_Fider said:


> Your parents don't like that you're not asian?


LOl...ya i know weird right?!?

No, my inlaws dont like that im not asian.


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## Guest (Dec 2, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> LOl...ya i know weird right?!?
> 
> No, my inlaws dont like that im not asian.


Ah... sorry about that. No wonder you knew where I was coming from, inter-racial relationships, same-gender relationships... all 'unconventional'. 

Take care.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Alex_Fider said:


> Take care.


Will do. Same to you.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

LJ, all I have to say is fabulous advice on this one.


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## Guest (Dec 7, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> LJ, all I have to say is *fabulous* advice on this one.


Indeed! :rofl:


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