# How do I respond



## Star79 (Feb 8, 2014)

So...My husband and I are in the process of purchasing a home. It has been a long process especially since I was deployed for much of the process. He was responsible for attending the meetings and the paperwork. I helped from my overseas location as much as I could. So now I am back and closing is approaching fast. At first I wanted to help, but it appeared he had it all figured out and I didn't want to mess up his flow because we just think and do things differently. I am a get it done kind of girl and he is slow and methodical. He complained that he felt like I was not helping. So what do I do. I start helping. Most recently, I took the initiative to start looking for movers. I did my research, received quotes and put together a chart that broke down the movers, by cost, truck size, reviews. I presented it to my husband last night and he scoffed at me and told me I didn't know what I was talking about and went on to say - I will just do it myself. I asked him if he wanted the quotes and he said no - he will just start from scratch. Needless to say, I am hurt. His words hurt. They always do. The last time, I tried to talk to him about his hurtful language he told me to get over it. He obviously has not respect for me. And I almost feel I have no respect for myself for staying in this type of relationship. Instead of responding verbally. I just went up to my bedroom and went to bed. I have not said anything to him since. He is very stubborn. Not sure what to do- *Crying inside -smiling on the outside. :crying:


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like some marriage counseling may be worth trying. If he doesn't respect you, then this is an unhealthy relationship to remain in. I suspect this issue is just one of many such instances. You may not be able to get him to change - he has to realize his behavior is a problem and want to fix it, before he can fix it. Counseling may help achieve this - but, it may do nothing, if he'll even go. It does require you to speak out and demand it for the good of the marriage and to potentially save it. If he won't agree, you will have a choice to make.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

How long have you been away overseas? It appears your H has learned to do things by himself as a result of your absence.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Are you two intimate? Kissing, hugging, and sex? Sounds like two distant people.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

tell him to stop being an ass, and if he keeps it up he will be closing on the house alone. he is being disrespectful to you


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

The length of the deployment matters. I was taught it was best to slowly reintegrate 

How long were you deployed


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

I think you should delay the home buying process and spend more time and effort working on the abusive relationship.

It's not going to get better on it's own, and it will probably get worse.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Sounds like there has been a lot of resentment built and it has become disrespectful in it's release... counseling ASAP.

In the mean time... you just finished a deployment, your strengths are profound in your success, never allow another such control to cause you to feel less, stand confident in your own self-worth... you haven't just earned it, you deserve it.


----------



## Lauranie (Sep 17, 2016)

Welcome home and Thank You for your service. I am/was a military wife for 14 years and suffered many deployments. There is almost always a unit support group for those of us let at home. If they function properly, and sadly many don’t, they counsel on return issues and your situation falls under what we consider classic issues of miss communication. Both parties expecting everything to just fall into place without discussion. 

You are supposed to have a partnership, but both have been living independently throughout the deployment. Readjusting to the partnership lifestyle is stressful.

Classic chronic issue example: Hubby is gone for a year, at home Wife has to manage all the issues, carry all the weight of house, home children and play the role of both mother and father, upon that has the added responsibility of insuring the kids and family don’t waver in their love and support for absent father. Hubby returns home and immediately RE-takes alfa role. He thinks he’s helping, he thinks he’s simply stepping back into his previous roll. She however thinks he’s undermining her role, her accomplishments and sewing chaos where she had maintained order. Fights ensue. 

In this story, it’s not about power or alfa, or even sharing responsibilities. It’s about the confusion that happens upon adjusting to a return. Insecurities rise. For everything you take on, he has to give something up. Giving something up can often cause insecurity… (finances for example) “Does she not think I’m capable?”, “What can she do with it that I can’t?” “What fault is there in how I managed it”. It may not be that he wants to keep the responsibility, but that giving it up can feel like a failure or inadequacy.

Having suffered several deployments, I knew where mine and my husband’s weak spots were there were aspects I knew were better in my hands, but gave them over to him because it simply reduced my stress. Open communication is key. Him telling you what areas stresses him is paramount. You asking what you can do, and if there is a manner in which he prefers you to accomplish said goal is also key. But knowing, accepting these conflicts are going to happen helps the most. Easier to roll with it if you know it’s simply part of the adjustment. 

Please don’t assume I’m asking you to be submissive. Remember in my situation roles were reversed. It was my Husband, a man used to leading a platoon that had to come to me and ask, “What needs to be done and is there a specific manner in which I need to accomplish it”.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How do you cope with speaking with your husband?

How can you hear anything he says over the high pitched whining noise that occurs every time he opens his mouth?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would take this up with a counselor, one for yourself. She can teach you ways to respond to someone who is passive aggressive or shuts you out. He won't respect you if you don't respect yourself, as you said. Start setting boundaries and consequences.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*A marriage is preeminently between two rational, very loving and caring people!

So when is your H going to remotely approach entering that most blessed equation?*


----------



## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

I really like the advice from the wife of a military spouse because she was able to relate both sides. 

I feel you are strongly capable and maybe you're being back from deployment intimidates your husband as well. 

I would follow the advice on counseling to work on your marriage, but also, I am assuming, that you are both getting this home based on your military benefits as well. It's not something he can completely do on his own.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Star79 said:


> So...My husband and I are in the process of purchasing a home. It has been a long process especially since I was deployed for much of the process. He was responsible for attending the meetings and the paperwork. I helped from my overseas location as much as I could. So now I am back and closing is approaching fast. At first I wanted to help, but it appeared he had it all figured out and I didn't want to mess up his flow because we just think and do things differently. I am a get it done kind of girl and he is slow and methodical. He complained that he felt like I was not helping. So what do I do. I start helping. Most recently, I took the initiative to start looking for movers. I did my research, received quotes and put together a chart that broke down the movers, by cost, truck size, reviews. I presented it to my husband last night and he scoffed at me and told me I didn't know what I was talking about and went on to say - I will just do it myself. I asked him if he wanted the quotes and he said no - he will just start from scratch. Needless to say, I am hurt. His words hurt. They always do. The last time, I tried to talk to him about his hurtful language he told me to get over it. He obviously has not respect for me. And I almost feel I have no respect for myself for staying in this type of relationship. Instead of responding verbally. I just went up to my bedroom and went to bed. I have not said anything to him since. He is very stubborn. Not sure what to do- *Crying inside -smiling on the outside. :crying:


This post just makes me sad, I can't imagine making my wife feel this way, it would just about break me in half. I really don't understand guys like this. Maybe he feels insecure because you were so meticulous and he is not, or like he is worried because he thinks he is not living up to your standards. Or maybe he is just a jerk. :frown2:

Marriage counseling, he has got to want to change.

The military wife's post is probably the most accurate here. You marriage has the very challenging aspect of the separation in it.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> How long have you been away overseas? It appears your H has learned to do things by himself as a result of your absence.


It's really about how he speaks to her though isn't it? He could have just as easily have said, "thanks hon, but I had kinda already worked on this" and I doubt she would be posting on here.

Is your point that maybe he resents her being away so much?


----------

