# One Sided Emotional Affair?



## holm (Mar 12, 2010)

My wife has a close male friend that is married that she used to work with. We do hang out as a couple pretty often. This weekend the spouse of my wife's friend told me she was uncomfortable with their relationship and were having marital difficulties. Her bringing it up made me realize that I had some of the same feelings and I talked about it with the friend's wife, which I wish I would not have done. A few days later I told her we should discuss it anymore together because I don't want to do the same thing that is bothering us. My wife is aware of all our exchanges, in fact she was in the room for most of them (I did that on purpose).

My wife and I have been talking about it all week and I truly believe that she had no idea it bothered me until we discussed it. One concern I have is that she has continued to talk to him all week , even though I had expressed my discomfort, and she had lied to me about them talking (I admitted to checking her cell phone records to get her to admit it). Finally, on our 5th night of this she told me she would tell him to back off because she didn't want it to affect our marriage. I feel horrible that I feel this way and that I betrayed my wife's trust by checking her cell phone records, but I am relieved that she is going to tell him to back down.

From everything I know, my wife's friend is the one who is initiating most of the converations. He is the one sharing his marital problems with my wife, and she is listening and giving support, or telling him he's wrong, etc... She says that she does not usually discuss our relationship with him at all, although she has this week because of what is going on and he is involved with that. I truly beleive that this other man is having an emotional affair with my wife based on what she has told me they talk about and how often, but is it possible that she wasn't really aware of it? I don't know that, other than this week, she has intentionally hid how often they talk from me, I just didn't pay attention before.

We've never had an issue like this in our 5 years of marriage (1 yr old daughter) so I don't know what to do! She thinks that after she tells him to back off we need to get together as a group again to make things better, she wants to this weekend already. What does everyone think? How do we go forward to make this better?


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i do think its possible that your wife is not emotionally involved with him. but she probably is friends with him and doesnt want to hurt his feelings. maybe you could talk to her about how it would feel for her to stop talking to him? its probably just like losing a friend- and maybe your wife is lonely. is she a STAM?


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

This is a tricky one. It seems like a good friendship, but if you have you and the other wife both concerned about the relationship, I think that is enough of a red flag about the whole thing.

Telling him to back off her, and then immediately getting back together as couples is a terrible mixed message.

She may be in denial about his feelings for her, but as a guy I can assure you he wants to have sex with your wife. *Right now the biggest problem in the other guys marriage is probably your wife. She can't help him through his marital problems... she is the problem. *The other guy is probably being torn in two between his own wife and your wife.

The other man is probably hanging around your wife waiting for the sign that she will leave you for him.

If your wife actually cares anything for this guy, she needs to break it off with him and let him and his wife have a decent shot at fixing their marriage. The other wife has directly asked you to pull your wife off her husband. Not to get together.

Plus your wife needs to focus on her own husband. And you need to pay a little more attention. I'm not saying you wife can never have a conversation with another man... but lots of discussion with the same man is a red flag.


----------



## holm (Mar 12, 2010)

Thanks for your reply's. I know you guys are right on. 

Yes, she is a STAM. Yes, she is lonely. Yes, I have not been meeting her emotional needs.

Last night I told her just about exactly what you all said. "I think he has feelings for you and I think he would leave his wife if he thought she would do the same." I told her that if she has any feeling in her heart that I may be right I don't think we can be friends with him and stay married to me. She admitted she did have feelings for him. They are different than the feelings she has for me but she doesn't know what to do. She said that if she can't talk to him at all we would need to move away because she doesn't think she could help herself. I told her I would be willing to give up my career and move accross the country to where her family is (they moved from us, not the other way) if that is what it would take to save our marriage. I don't want it to come down to that but if it does, I'm certainly willing to do it. I think the next step is counceling. I'm certainly going to go myself and hopefully they will be able to help me learn how I can meet my wifes emotional needs better so I don't drive her to someone else. I know this isn't her fault and I want to make this work more than anything in the world. I don't want to hate the other guy either. I know people can't help how they feel, but they can control their actions and they have chosen to lie and hide what they're doing. 

She is completely sick of talking to me about it, but it is all I can think about. What do we do now? I did have a good relationship with the other guy before. I don't think my wife wants me to talk to him about it but I wonder if that would help. What if I told him that what he was doing was destroying our family and his own and he needed to decide if that's something he wanted the burden of.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

holm said:


> Thanks for your reply's. I know you guys are right on.
> 
> Yes, she is a STAM. Yes, she is lonely. Yes, I have not been meeting her emotional needs.
> 
> ...


Well at this point the other guy is absolutely NOT your friend. That is basically over for good. He's actively trying to seduce you wife and end your marriage.

I'd stop all that talk about offering to move across country and derail your career over this. That is a weakness display. It's signalling that the feelings your wife has for him are so powerful they cannot really be controlled or stopped. And they won't stop if you move I can assure you. I bet you'd find yourself moving and her moving back, and then you're really screwed.

You wife is trying to avoid responsiblity for her actions. She's basically looking to see who of the two of you is going to be more dominant towards her.

I would frame the conversation as "I'm not willing to be in a relationship with someone willing to emotionally attach to another man. Obviously how we've been together has been part of the problem leading to this, am I am willing to do things differently together to make things work between between us, but this needs to be dealt with somehow, or you'll need to leave."


----------



## holm (Mar 12, 2010)

Thanks again. I did tell her that I wasn't willing to share her and that she would have to choose between him and me. It destroyed me when she actually had to weigh the choice in her mind but I can't change the way she feels. She has agreed to go to counselling, I left a message this weekend so they should call back today so I can set up an appointment for the two of us.

I know she doesn't want to stop talking to him and I feel like a real a-hole for telling her she needs to. Then again, maybe you're right and she wants me to be the "bad guy" in this and just tell her to stop so she can blame me when she tells him. I'm fine with that. I may be reading into this too much but she says she is worried what people would think if they stopped talking completely. To me that's a sign that she is starting to accept what she did may be wrong. 

At this point, I really hope the counsellor can help us. I am optomistic about our future. I love her more than anything and I really don't blame her what has happened. We just need to make it right going forward. Her future decisions will be "on her."


----------



## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

holm said:


> Thanks again. I did tell her that I wasn't willing to share her and that she would have to choose between him and me. It destroyed me when she actually had to weigh the choice in her mind but I can't change the way she feels. She has agreed to go to counselling, I left a message this weekend so they should call back today so I can set up an appointment for the two of us.
> 
> I know she doesn't want to stop talking to him and I feel like a real a-hole for telling her she needs to. Then again, maybe you're right and she wants me to be the "bad guy" in this and just tell her to stop so she can blame me when she tells him. I'm fine with that. I may be reading into this too much but she says she is worried what people would think if they stopped talking completely. To me that's a sign that she is starting to accept what she did may be wrong.
> 
> At this point, I really hope the counsellor can help us. I am optomistic about our future. I love her more than anything and I really don't blame her what has happened. We just need to make it right going forward. Her future decisions will be "on her."


well i am sure now u have realised that friendship is not as simple as it looks , as she has confessed to have some feelings for the other guy u need to ensure that there is no further contact between via email , phone , chat at all . It has already gone to some level which ur wife should not have let it happen . Tell her it is serious issue , this is exactly how full-blown affairs start . U need to make it crystal clear that it has already hurt u enough so it needs to end right now.

Best of luck


----------



## holm (Mar 12, 2010)

Atholk, thank you especially for your input. I reviewed your blog a little bit and I think I do agree with you (balancing the alpha and beta). This past week I have been all Beta and she told me that she didn't like it. Yes, she literally told me to stop trying to be all sappy and fill the place the OM had been occupying. So, after reading your comments last night I went home, we made dinner, played with our 1 yr old girl and then after the baby was put to bed I made us talk again because while I was at work she had her conversation with the OM about not being able to talk to him anymore (at least until we've done counselling). When I felt like she was leaving out important details and when I called her on it she told me she was irritated by this. This time I didn't cry. This time I didn't use a soft voice. This time I used a deep, assertive, confident voice and told her I was MAD. She knows that it can only be me and our little girl, or him. We talked about the counselling again and we actually both agreed that we should go to more of a "pastor" type counsellor than a medical type counsellor. Neither of us wants this to end in divorce and I think a medical type counsellor would think that is an attractive option that we want to avoid. Also, I think a "pastor" type counsellor will be more apt to tell us: "What you are doing is, wrong! It doesn't matter if you don't want to give up the OM. You have to if you want to save your marriage. The fact that you don't have a physical relationship doesn't matter. By simploy putting yourself in that situation after you know how he feels you are betraying your husband."


----------



## holm (Mar 12, 2010)

holm said:


> she had her conversation with the OM about not being able to talk to him anymore (at least until we've done counselling). QUOTE]
> 
> By the way, I know I've got to deal with this too. It's not just going to be until after we've done counselling. I've made the mistake of telling her that I'm open to what a counselor says. So if he says I'm crazy and need to let her have this relationship, then I implied that I would figure out a way to deal with that. I said that because I am 99.99% sure that any professionial whose goal is to SAVE OUR MARRIAGE and not have us feel good temporarily is going to tell her to drop him completely. If we get a counsellor who says otherwise I don't know what I'll do...


----------



## holm (Mar 12, 2010)

Update time. Seems like we're passed the crisis stage. At the recommendation (strong) of the counselor I stopped snooping and talking to my wife about the OM. She knows how I feel and continuing to talk about it only pushes her away. She told me that she is "doing what I asked" by not talking to him. She has told me about two text exchanges they have had about one of our mutual friend's wife having surgery. I don't feel good about it them having any contact, but she told me about it. Yes, she could just be testing me but I'm not going to freak out...If she's having any other conversations with him I don't know, but I'm just not thinking about it. I don't feel like I'm being lied to like I was before.

I suspect (strongly) she is still struggling with feelings for him and that she wants to keep both of us. She's got to work through that on her own, I can't control her feelings. It's only been a week or so of no contact with him, so those feelings are still near the surface. This feeling that she wants to keep us both did lead me to find out about polyamory (multiple consensual relationships, not swinging, actual relationships) when I was trying to understand what she was going through. I even posted on a poly thread looking for their thoughts on what I was going through, and what my wife might be going through. While I certainly am not interested in a poly relationship, the folks over there were extremely nice and helpful and basically agreed that I had to stand my ground for what I believed. They also concurred with this thread the OM was NOT A FRIEND to our marriage, even in their poly world.

At counseling today the counselor suggested that I view any form of friendship b/w a man and a woman as cheating. I don't think I agree (I don't want to agree anyways) but I think what I can take from that is just that those friendships need boundaries so that I am comfortable with them. I have a female friend at work, but the boundary is basically we only talk about work related things. Certainly nothing about each other's relationships, unless it is something positive that we want to share. I think I would be comfortable with my wife having a friendship with a man following those same boundaries, but let's be honest, it's going to be tough for me to swallow that pill.

Thanks again for everyone's posts. I'll probably keep updating and checking back over the next few weeks and months for progress. I noticed that the only resolutions people follow up on tend to be the negative ones. I am very optomisitc about the things we are doing so I hope I can give some positive posts. We've got at least a few weeks of couples counseling starting next week to get to the root of the "us" issues although my counselor has done a good job with the "me" issues.


------
By the way Atholk, my wife and I watched Twilight last night and the alpha in Edward certainly turned her on....she said "OMG, would you do that for me???" when he followed her and stopped those guys from attacking her. I wish she knew that's basically what I just did with the OM!!! Oh welll.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

holm said:


> At counseling today the counselor suggested that I view any form of friendship b/w a man and a woman as cheating. I don't think I agree (I don't want to agree anyways) but I think what I can take from that is just that those friendships need boundaries so that I am comfortable with them. I have a female friend at work, but the boundary is basically we only talk about work related things. Certainly nothing about each other's relationships, unless it is something positive that we want to share. I think I would be comfortable with my wife having a friendship with a man following those same boundaries, but let's be honest, it's going to be tough for me to swallow that pill.
> .


I would agree to disagree with the counselor. I find nothing wrong with opposite sex friendships in a marriage as long as boundaries exist and are respected. My wife has always had male friends and it never bothered me. Only when she engaged in an EA was there a problem. The difference??? The relationship went underground, I had no idea how it had progressed. Since our recovery she has made new friends, male and female and although I'm more aware of what could happen it hasn't bothered me. I am not by nature a jealous guy however. If your wife sticks to her word on no contact it will be easier for you to accept if she has male friends. It may take some time and it gets easier but you will always be more mindful of them, I don't think that can be avoided.


----------



## holm (Mar 12, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> I would agree to disagree with the counselor. I find nothing wrong with opposite sex friendships in a marriage as long as boundaries exist and are respected.


Yeah...her point was not that she thought it was wrong...it was that I think it is wrong (in her opinion). I've been thinking about it over the weekend. Her comment that I would never have a female friend and the example of my work female friend really doesn't work because I don't have guy friends either.

I don't want to get this wrong so I'm going to think about it some more, but I think we need to set up some boundaries. Somewhere in between "no talking to other men" and "no kissing other men when you're having sex with them."


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

holm said:


> I don't want to get this wrong so I'm going to think about it some more, but I think we need to set up some boundaries. Somewhere in between "no talking to other men" and "no kissing other men when you're having sex with them."


:rofl:

I'm sure you can find some middle ground in there somewhere.


----------



## holm (Mar 12, 2010)

Well....I had a day of weakness yesterday and snooped. I'm dissapointed in myself for doing it. I thought it through even and said to myself, "what are you going to do if you find something?" I couldn't help myself though....

Turns out my wife has better willpower than me...didn't see a single email or chat exchange between the two of them. She did look at his facebook page a couple times but there was absolutely no communication on the computer. I can't check text records, but I saw no phone calls.

One of the things that bothered me the most is that she hasn't apologized. Based on what I saw yesterday, she doesn't need to. I see that she is making a true effort. It's only been a week or so since I think the contact has broken off, but I imagine it will only get easier for the both of us....


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

holm said:


> I thought it through even and said to myself, "what are you going to do if you find something?" I couldn't help myself though....


In today's world snooping is likely to reveal little. With disposable cell phones, Internet access at work, wi-fi and cyber cafés there are a multitude of ways for an affair to go underground. When I used be tempted to snoop I would tell my self this and realize if she really wanted to hide it she wouldn't be doing it on appliances I had access to. I chose just to trust her and figured if it really was continuing it at some point she'd slip up.


----------



## holm (Mar 12, 2010)

I realize this...but my gut just tells me she is making the effort and not talking to him. My gut was right before and I think it is right this time too.

In the last email exchange I saw between them, she said to him that I thought they were having an emotional affair. He responded that he thought that was an very good description of the situation. I wonder if his admission in what he was doing made her realize what was really going on, what his motives really were, and made her decide it couldn't continue. 

She's calling me a lot everyday at work now which she wasn't before because she was talking to him during the day. I think she's come to grips with what was happening.


----------

