# Is my wife asexual?



## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello, I've been married for six years. Guess how many times I've had sex? None. I'm a virgin.

I fell in love with my wife when I was 25, and we got married within a few months. Our Nepalese culture disapproves of premarital sex, so we never had sex while we were dating. But we were clearly physically attracted to each other. Kissing and fondling and BJs were commonplace.

But ever since we got married, she always has an excuse- a headache, a period, sadness, a movie or tv show, work exhaustion. Even when I ask her a week in advance when her day off is and make plans for us to have sex, somehow she still manages not to.

Complaining makes things worse and she heads for divorce talks rightaway. She tells me that she understands she "has a problem" and that "i'm a saint" (little consolation), but things pretty much remain unchanged.

I don't want to leave her, but I can't live a sexless life either. Can anybody tell me whether my wife is asexual? Any advice/info would be much appreciated.

Thank you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since your wife engaged in sexual play before marriage I doubt she is asexual. It sounds to me like she is afraid of sex for some reason.

If she will not work on this then you have two choices.

1) stay in your situation and maybe get lucky one day. This is highly unlikely.

2) leave her and find someone who is interested in having sex. You could always keep her as a friend.

I don't now what religion you are or the laws in your country, but you might be able to get an annulment since the marriage has never been sexually consumated.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

Why would she be afraid of sex? If she were, why was she so much into sexual play before? There was a time after marriage when she'd ask for getting dry humped by me quite often (but would rarely give me a BJ in return, even if she had promised it). This phase lasted for the first two years or so. Then I started demanding more and refused to participate.

I really don't want to leave her as I know she really loves me and I do too. So I'm wondering if this is a psychological or physical condition that can be fixed.

I hate to admit though that my wife has never ever taken the initiative herself to address out situation- I was the one to seek out counseling, and even find TEM. So seems like she's innately unsexual towards me at the very least.

For the record she is a very attractive woman, and I frequently remind her of that- I know lots of women have issues about how they look, and I believe me wife is not one of them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have heard of people who are afraid of sex.

Fear Of Sex - Help for Fear Of Sex - Phobias | FearofStuff.com

Do a google search for "fear of sex" and read some.

Maybe she is afraid to get pregnant. Has she mentioned anything about children?

From what you said she seems to feel good about her own beauty. Many beatiful women learn that their beauty is power. Maybe refusing sex with you is a way for her to have power.

Have you ever gone to far as to touch her private parts with no cothing between your hand and her skin?


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

I don't think she's afraid of sex- I have asked her about it and she has told me that she seems to "not feel like it" when I seem to feel like it (which equates to "never" on her part, although she claims at times she is quite aroused thinking about the two of us making out).

I don't know whether this is a power play thing or not. What could she possibly achieve by refusing sex other than make me aloof?

She doesn't enjoy my touching her private parts any more as she claims to want to "do it right", and touching seems to be more like "cheating" for her (which seems bizarre to me).


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Oh boy, the OP seems real and the story is possibly real...

How can it be though...

It sounds like u have sought professional help, but 6 years? 

I hope the people u saw gave some specific guidance. If not...I'm lost 4 words. 

I am a woman and I gotta say, no matter how wonderful, beautiful ur wife is, I would do something drastic (i.e. separation) until u find a solution. Unless u do enjoy celebacy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@jennifer1986 what is OP? Sorry not familiar with the lingo/terminology used in this forum. And no, I don't enjoy celibacy.

@michzz no, absolutely not. That I can say with certainty.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

strange_bound said:


> I don't think she's afraid of sex- I have asked her about it and she has told me that she seems to "not feel like it" when I seem to feel like it (which equates to "never" on her part, although she claims at times she is quite aroused thinking about the two of us making out).
> 
> I don't know whether this is a power play thing or not. What could she possibly achieve by refusing sex other than make me aloof?
> 
> She doesn't enjoy my touching her private parts any more as she claims to want to "do it right", and touching seems to be more like "cheating" for her (which seems bizarre to me).


Touching is part of doing it right.

Your wife is playing some pretty mean games with you. What can she achieve by doing this? Power, power in the relationship where she can string you along and maybe get you to do things by her promising you thing that you desperately want.

There is a reason your wife is avoiding sex....
Maybe she's afraid because of something that happened in the past. Maybe she was raped or molested and not a virgin. In your society, how is a woman looked at how is not a virgin when she marries? How would you react if you knew she was not a virgin?

I have heard some young women say that they have heard that sex hurts very badly the first few times and so they avoid sex.

I know this is not likely, but maybe she’s really a man. There are men who dress like women, are beautiful and string men along. But I assume you know her family and thus are sure she’s really a ‘she’.

Maybe she has a deformity she does not want you to see. Who knows? Only she does and she’s not talking.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

strange_bound said:


> @jennifer1986 what is OP? Sorry not familiar with the lingo/terminology used in this forum. And no, I don't enjoy celibacy.
> 
> @michzz no, absolutely not. That I can say with certainty.


"OP" means "original poster" or "orginal post".

You are the "OP" on this thread of discussion.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you sought out a sex therapist? Do they have them where you live? They help people address sexual problems.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@EleGirl, other than the lack of sex our relationship is pretty solid. Even my family is happy with her (although things were rocky until recently). So she's not really achieving anything from not having sex, other than disrupting an otherwise fairly successful relationship.

I know for a fact that she wasn't raped, molested or anything of that sort in the past. We're close friends- at the very least that part of our marriage is true.

I don't think it's the pre-sex anxiety at work either. She just seems so strangely relaxed about our celibacy on a physical level. Psychologically she seems to be in anguish- or at least so she claims- she tells me how much she wants to have sex with me. But that "want" seems to be purely psychological, whereas the whole business is a physical one. 

FYI, she does want to have children soon- which I really don't see happening given our current situation. Unfortunately, in our culture people start families quite young (usually within a year or two after marriage), so we both get a lot of "When are we going to hear some good news?" or "Are we going to become grandparents within our lifetime?" type crap- which makes me even more miserable.

And yes, I have seen my wife naked many times (even now she's okay undressing in front of me while changing) and she's not a man! No physical deformities either. In fact, she's quite hot and whenever we go out I notice other men noticing her. Little do they know.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

No, neither of us have been to a sex therapist- I suggested it, but my wife flatly turned me down. In fact things had to get pretty bad between us before she finally decided to see a regular counselor- something that I had been begging her to do for years. Till now she's only seen her counselor twice I think.

Btw thank you for replying.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I hope you do not mind my bringing up the thing of her really being a man. It's just something that came to mind. I've actually read of cases like that.

So she is seeing a counselor without you? 

Perhaps the two of you need to see one together as well. There is a good chance that she will not tell her individual counselor what the issue really is. It's a relationship issue as well as a personal one.

As hard as it might be, you might want to consider telling her that you do not want to be a virgin for life and you want children. And that if she will not address this with you, you will need to get an divorce or annulment and move on.

The above is a scary thing to do as an ultimatum that you are not willing to carry out is no ultimatum at all.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@EleGirl, I fully understand that your responses are aimed at being helpful, don't worry! 

She doesn't want to go for couple's counseling, at least "at first". In the past simply getting her to agree to visit a counselor was so hard that I've decided not to push her too far- most of all when there do seem to be signs of progress (however miniscule).

I think she understands now that our situation is urgent and that our marriage could be over because of this.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

What I really want to know is: what is wrong with her (and us)? Why is she so averse to having sex? Are there any possible explanations?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Other things that come to mind is that perhaps your relationship is not as good as you think it is. When women do not feel the right emotional connection to their husband they often do not want to have sex.

For this you might want to look at the material in my siganture block below about building a passionate marriage.

Out side of that, I have given you a list of things that could be the cause. You reject them all. So from here I can only give say that forget about trying to find out why and work on behavior. 

Often we humans have no idea why we do, or do not do, something. But we can overcome it with behavior modification.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It might also be helpful for her to see a medical doctor and a gynecologist for a thorough check-up. It could be hormone levels or other physical causes that are blocking her sex drive. It's helpful to rule that out first, or to address whatever is discovered.

Also, have you or she considered that she might be attracted to women instead of men?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Since your wife engaged in sexual play before marriage I doubt she is asexual. It sounds to me like she is afraid of sex for some reason.
> 
> If she will not work on this then you have two choices.
> 
> ...


Or maybe she just is not interested in having sex with the OP. Lots of folks marry people to whom they are not sexually attracted (although not so extreme that the marriage has not been consummated in six years).

I usually equivocate in my advice, but here the answer is plain. You have zero kids. Ditch her and start over with someone else. From the outside looking in, this is so dysfunctional as to cast doubt on whether she could ever have a passionate sex life with you (even if she wanted to).

Don't start accepting sex (she might offer it as a way to placate you). It will likely be pity sex (which means it will suck anyways) and may complicate matters further (like if she becomes pregnant).

ETA:

No, she does not love you. Or, she does not love you anywhere near as much as she loves herself (IMO you need to regard the other as much as yourself to have a successful marriage).

Also, it sounds like she has some serious hang-ups. She does not want you to touch her genitals because she "wants to do it right"? As in, intercourse is good (or okay) sex and oral, manual, etc. are bad? Might I ask what culture and religion you practice?

The issue is that these two problems compound each other. She has serious hangups about sex, and does not feel strongly enough about you to address her issues (that is why she flat out refused a joint counselor and barely sees hers).

Even if she gets that the marriage is on the line, do you want to have sex with someone who clearly does not want to but does anyways just to have a few kids, be supported, or save face? From all I've been through, seen, and read, that's the best it will ever be - at least without serious professional help.

If I were in your shoes and wanted to save the marriage, my boundary would NOT be "have sex with me or the marriage is over". Sex under those terms would probably not be very good for you, and additionally she may resent you for pushing her into something she did not want to do to any extent. Then you get into a cycle of some bad or mediocre sex, followed by an argument phase borne out of mutual resentment, then a shorter period of sex, then a longer resentment, etc. Rinse and repeat.

My boundary instead would be serious professional intervention as a condition to continue in the marriage. That means IC for her (to assess any issues she may have) and MC for you so she hears from a professional what marriage means. I've BTDT - you don't want "yeah I'll lay you just to shut you up". You DO want a commitment from her to be the best she can be AND bring that best to your marriage in all ways.

Lastly, you need to consider the possibility that she simply considers sex to be bad or sinful. Some relatives and I were discussing the topic ideology as it relates to sex. A relative's co-worker described her sex life this way: "I fell down (sinned) three times to have my three children and that's it. My husband and I don't believe in that". They are Catholics. Sounds extreme, but people do believe that, so proceed with caution.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

The only good thing in this situation is that you don't have children. 

If sex does become a possible I hope you plan to use birth control for at least a year.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to understand how completely useless it is for you to be guessing at this. 

There could be a wide variety of reasons that she is not having sex. No matter what the problem is, the only chance you have to change the situation is for her to be completely open with you and for her to be actively taking steps to deal with it. If she doesn't do anything or says nothing about it until you raise it as an issue, it does seem hopeless.

If she sees this as about her future as a wife and mother, she should give it the priority it deserves. If not, then you need to force yourself to make a conscious decision about staying in a sexless OR to leave while you are still young and childless.

I personally think you will regret not making the latter decision.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Is this an arranged marriage? Is it a caste problem? Is there polygamy? Did something go wrong on Suhag-Raat? Has she called you a Sudra? Is your wife particularly religiously extreme in that she looks at marriage in terms of dharma alone? 

And that is about all I know of Hindu marriage so you may need someone from your own community to help you.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@EleGirl, my wife is quite often tells me how happy she is and how she can't imagine her life without me. But we have had our problems in the past and I know she was challenged by them. I know from experience that behavior modification does not come to her easily.

@norajane, I'm certain she isn't a lesbian  I don't think she has a physical problem (neither does she). Her periods are pretty regular. Let's see how her counseling goes before any additional doctors are brought into the picture- she might not respond positively to such suggestions.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@DTO at the end of the day I still love her, and I have to take that into consideration. I'm not insisting that she has to have sex with me or our marriage is doomed- I've made it clear that I want her to get to the root of the problem. See a counselor, sort out her issues. After that we'll probably see a counselor jointly. I know she doesn't consider sex to be sinful, neither is it described as such in our religion or culture.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@Lionelhutz unfortunately she's totally against pills. I will use protection though. I really love her and want to get this marriage to work- I know she loves me too, maybe it's just a subconscious mental wall that she's having trouble breaking down.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@Runs_like_Dog not an arranged marriage. We aren't Hindus and therefore no caste or dharma involved. I don't think this has anything to do with culture, race or creed. This is as anomalous a situation in my surroundings as it is in yours.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

strange_bound said:


> @Lionelhutz unfortunately she's totally against pills. I will use protection though. I really love her and want to get this marriage to work- I know she loves me too, *maybe *it's just a subconscious mental wall that she's having trouble breaking down.


That is the problem. You don't know what the problem is. No one here can know what the problem 

Maybe even your wife is confused, but the point is none of that matters, unless she is involved in trying to find the solution you are wasting your time. I would be concerned that her "trying" might consist of simply trying to get pregnant and then immediately after conception, your sex life is over forever.

I'm not saying it is an easy or obvious choice to leave a sexless marriage. In fact I decided to stay, but too may people don't make an actual decision and then stumble along with a deteriorating marriage which can simply increase the pain for all involved.

If you are prepared to give up on sex for the rest of your life for her, then I guess your path is clear.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

strange_bound said:


> Hello, I've been married for six years. Guess how many times I've had sex? None. I'm a virgin.
> 
> I fell in love with my wife when I was 25, and we got married within a few months. Our Nepalese culture disapproves of premarital sex, so we never had sex while we were dating. But we were clearly physically attracted to each other. Kissing and fondling and BJs were commonplace.
> 
> ...


Hi strange ~

So, you complain, she threatens divorce, you back down, and nothing changes.

I know exactly why you haven't had sex in SIX years - since you got married.

SHE. DOES. NOT. WANT. TO.

It doesn't matter whatever her true hang-up is. She hasn't been willing to try and address it on her own in all this time. And YOU, my friend, ENABLE her to be that way.

You have a bark, but no bite. So, she doesn't really have to truly address anything - it seems to be fine with her to go on the way you have and you have been well and truly put in your place and the cycle continues on because you do nothing to stop it.

I would suggest that you set up some counseling appointments for yourself - just you - so that you can try and work through WHY you have felt it acceptable to wait this long and so that you can work out a plan on HOW you can gather some remnant of fortitude and self-respect around yourself and not be a doormat to her whims anymore.

Best wishes.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@Lionelhutz, yes I agree I don't exactly know what the problem is. I think she doesn't know either. I have made it pretty clear to her that she will have to address this situation and show some initiative. I am not up for a sexless marriage and she knows that.

@michzz I really don't know..

@Enchantment I think I didn't quite say it right in my OP. She doesn't "threaten divorce", it's more like she helplessly gravitates towards it. She's suffering over our whole situation as well- she knows it's a problem from her end and she can't seem to grasp a way out. And I don't really "back down" or lack "bite", I demand that she tries break free from her mental block.

I know I haven't had sex with her in our six years of marriage largely because of her, but I have to blame myself to some extent as well. I have been way too patient. It's not that I have a low sex drive or anything (I masturbate daily or more), it's just that I am way too cerebral a person. I want her to be at peace with herself first (if that's the right way to describe it).

I have met a counselor several times- who sort of told me she can't help me unless my wife changes.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am having a hard time figuring out why you are with this woman. If she isn't willing to have sex with you, and is not willing to do everything in her power to determine how to fix this problem, why are you married to her?


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@Hope1964 Because I firmly believe she is a good person, and I have learnt a lot from her. I would not be half the person I am were it not for our marriage. She is also my best friend, and I just can't give up on her this easily. I am not saying divorce is off the table, but I want to absolutely make sure she has had a fair chance to address the situation- even though six years of celibacy does often make it hard for me to see her in that kind of light.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

strange_bound said:


> @Hope1964 Because I firmly believe she is a good person, and I have learnt a lot from her. I would not be half the person I am were it not for our marriage. She is also my best friend, and I just can't give up on her this easily. I am not saying divorce is off the table, but I want to absolutely make sure she has had a fair chance to address the situation- even though six years of celibacy does often make it hard for me to see her in that kind of light.


You said she isn't willing to address it. There are 4 billion females on this planet. I am sure she isn't the only one who can offer you the things she does give you. She doesn't sound like a wife, she sounds like a friend. You need to take her down off that pedestal you've got her on. And yeah, give her a chance? Six years isn't enough of a chance?


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

I think you need to escalate things a bit and show your wife that this situation is unacceptable. Stop being so nice----shake things up a bit. What you are currently doing is not working-----try something else! If she is unwilling to really work on this issue (really try everything and anything); it may be time that you let her know that she is your friend and that you want/need a Wife (even if it isn't her). Good luck.


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## suesmith (Jan 5, 2012)

Lots of good suggestions here. You have been very patient with her and it seems like she really isnt interested in seeking any real help. I wouldnt expect anything to change in any real ways in the future. 

Good Luck. You have some very tough decsions to make.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

I guess I haven't been entirely honest here- after two years of marriage I sort of gave up and was mentally aloof from her as well. While it affected her, she still didn't take any initiative. Things were sour, on and off, for quite some time.

At one point (after four and a half years or so) I realized that she had gone too far in her stubbornness- she is a stubborn person in general, and she was more or less totally disconnected from my family. I put up with all that, hoping that she would grow up one day.

However, my parents came to visit us around that time, and I was stunned to see how rude she was towards them. True, the iciness that had existed between my wife and my parents wasn't entirely my wife's fault- my parents were quite insensitive and stereotypical at times too- but my wife just went too far during their trip. She wouldn't even talk to them properly, and was very clearly ignoring their feelings.

That's when I realized enough is enough, and I laid down my list of demands- at the top of which was, surprise, surprise, not sex but her treating my family properly. Ever since then we understand each other a lot better. But at the same time our fights got way more intense, and several times we tried to break up our marriage.

Then we went for a trip back home a month or so ago, and she finally seems to have realized that my family loves her despite her faults. And finally she is corresponding with them somewhat normally.

So progress has happened fairly recently, and I don't mean to bash her on the sex part at this point. I have seen how hard she has tried to be different and more adjusting. I know she can change if she puts her heart to it. I fear that her being averse to sex might have to do with her not being able to come to terms with our differences internally.

I guess you have realized by now that my wife and I are very different people. I'm the patient type. She's not. I tell her very matter-of-factly once in a while that my primary complaint against her is that she lacks empathy.

So once again, progress is recent and yes there have been signs of change. Which is why I don't want to corner her because of her behavior over the last six years. I really love her and I want this relationship to work, but not without meeting my physical needs. I don't want to be a child-breeder, I want to be a happy husband who actually wants children.

I hope this makes sense.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

strange_bound said:


> I guess I haven't been entirely honest here- after two years of marriage I sort of gave up and was mentally aloof from her as well.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You shouldn't "bash" her on the sex part of any other part. 

But I hope you realize that your "patience" may be nothing more than avoidance of the issue of sex.

Again if it is really not important to you then I suppose you can wait and see.

But if it is important to you, then you need to tell yourself and you need to tell her, that you guys must make real progress on that issue or your marriage may not last.

Six years of sexless at the start of the marriage is abnormal notwithstanding the other problems.


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## brokennewlywed (Feb 28, 2012)

Has your wife ever mentioned past sexual abuse or sexual guilt?


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@Lionelhutz no, I don't bash her on the "sex part" or any other part, rest assured  

I realize now that my patience has done us (as a couple) more harm than good. I needed to take a stand a long, long time ago. Instead of really being a partner, I've been more of a father figure or friend. I tried to wait out her growing up phase, when she merely needed to step up and accept her function as a married woman.

I firmly feel that my wife has to take the majority of the blame for our situation (and she does). Sex is indeed important to me and as I have said I don't want to end up being a sperm donor to my own wife. My wife seems to understand this now and she's seeking professional help (counsel). Let's see how things turn out (not to imply that I'm going to play the waiting game again).


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@brokennewlywed no


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

strange_bound said:


> @Lionelhutz unfortunately she's totally against pills. I will use protection though. I really love her and want to get this marriage to work- I know she loves me too, maybe it's just a subconscious mental wall that she's having trouble breaking down.


Definitely use protection, and you be responsible for keeping them intact (no pinholes from her).


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> I think you need to escalate things a bit and show your wife that this situation is unacceptable. Stop being so nice----shake things up a bit. What you are currently doing is not working-----try something else! If she is unwilling to really work on this issue (really try everything and anything); it may be time that you let her know that she is your friend and that you want/need a Wife (even if it isn't her). Good luck.


Exactly!

Be warned that you have to be secure in yourself and prepared for a poor outcome. She could refuse and walk out on you. Or, she could go to IC and MC and still decide that she simply does not want to be your wife (as we traditionally understand the role).

But, if you do nothing, nothing will change. If you stand up for yourself, you have taken away the status quo. She at a minimum she will respect you, and that really is your only chance to turn this thing around.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

strange_bound said:


> I guess I haven't been entirely honest here- after two years of marriage I sort of gave up and was mentally aloof from her as well. While it affected her, she still didn't take any initiative. Things were sour, on and off, for quite some time.
> 
> At one point (after four and a half years or so) I realized that she had gone too far in her stubbornness- she is a stubborn person in general, and she was more or less totally disconnected from my family. I put up with all that, hoping that she would grow up one day.
> 
> ...


It kind of makes sense, but I wanted to point out a couple of things I got from this.

One, the fact that you pulling away from her (and her reaction to that) should indicate that she does value your attention at some level. Otherwise she would not be pissed about that. But ultimately you let her off the hook after a period of tense detente. You need to push through to a resolution.

Two, she has a revisionist way of looking at things. The fact that she could deny you for over two years then she gets pissed at your perceived slight means she simply out of touch. You might consider how this lack of empathy and fairness will impact other aspects of your relationship (like child-rearing).

Three, your folks are rude to her possibly because they see what you've refused to acknowledge all this time. I'm not sure how old you are, but I learned a long time ago that my dad was a lot smarter (and experienced / savvy) than I gave him credit for. Moreover, I've learned that extremely selfish people (like your wife) broadcast that trait in other relationships.

Four, your list of needs should start with (to be blunt) taking her selfish nature and cramming it up her rear end as needed. When (if) she gets that everyone else's wants and needs matter and acts on that understanding, all those other issues will fall into place.

P.S. if you doubt I've been where you are now, understand that I knew that empathy would come into play way before I read it in this post.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Your last post seemed to clear up some unanswered questions about the dynamics behind what is going on.

Understand that I'm not trying to suggest fault, but it seems that the personality traits that led you to respond to the situation as you did are probably a big part of why she isn't responding sexually. You said that she is very determined, and the areas where she did retreat from her stance and make progress are the areas where you were very direct. I don't think this is the place to make threats unless your goal is to end the marriage, but it is possible to gradually change the dynamics by being direct and intolerant of her attempts to skirt the issue. 

In my opinion, it is possible to be direct without being selfish or insensitive. Its all in the way that you approach it. I believe that you can approach it progressively, gradually raising the threshhold. Perhaps you can start by simply stating that it has been X years since the two of you were intimate, and that this isn't acceptable for either of you. You want her to be comfortable with intimacy, so you'll respect her boundaries outside of the expectation of intimacy ... for now. Start small, but recognize that asking gives her the opportunity to say no, so just cross the space between you on the sofa. If she truly has a sex drive, you should notice over time that this bold kiss and time of intimacy will make her pull you further. I'm not naive enough to think that this will not take a long time, but where is it going as is?

Really, this is more of a suggestion about ending the current stalemate. Out of respect for her boundaries, every one will understand that you can't push her too far. But right now, it just seems that there is a great divide between you two, so it would be very telling how she would respond with just bridging this gap with simply initiating basic intimacy. If it works, find your inner alpha.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@DTO I have indeed made a stand and I'm sure she understands it full well. I do realize that not my not pushing for a resolution all along has been one of the worst mistakes of my life.

Even if things work out between us, one of my biggest fears is that she will use child birth and so-called maternal instincts to revert to her old self with a vengeance. I'm also concerned that she might want to bring up our children very differently than I would.

Yes, I agree - my father had foreseen everything and was frustrated in me for "being a man". My parents were never rude to her though, although she certainly was towards them, many times. She also found lots of faults with my family while she hardly saw any wrong in her own actions. All that being said, my wife's relationship with my family has drastically improved since our trip back home (December-January), and my family seems to be at peace with her, too.

She is a lot more understanding in general these days. I guess the major problem is our lack of sex (or rather, her total lack of sexual responsibility towards me) and the occasional lack of empathy (which I don't think will ever be fixed - or until I'm too old to care about such things).


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@Halien currently it's not really a stalemate because I've asked her to start seeing a counselor, which she has. The counselor has warned her not to discuss her sessions with me, but I'm guessing they're pretty intense because they're quite frequent (every two days) plus she seems shaken after every session.

I have never forced myself on her - physically or mentally. But I know from my six years of being married to her that she's just not going to be intimate with me if I don't take a firm stand. Even when she was complaining that her work stress was preventing her from having sex with me, she didn't even show the slightest initiative to become intimate when she had a two week vacation (which she spent at home).

Anyway, she's quite difficult to be around right now since she's so stressed out due to her counseling. But I have to give credit to her for trying to keep our marriage alive.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

Update- my wife has done three counseling sessions now, and she seems semi-depressed. A few days back I don't know why, I initiated sex again. She gave me a long, hot kiss which felt very forced and desperate at the same time. Overall, "desperate" would be the key word here.

Of course I didn't enjoy it- it almost broke my heart. At the same time, I was afraid that all this desperation would wear off once we have children. What do you think is going on in her head?

FYI, we didn't have sex, but she was having her period so that's fine by me.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@Chelle D thanks for your suggestion. I have tried all that in the past - talking about sex or talking around sex; asking her about her fantasies; sharing my fantasies; etc. I have been turned down so many times by her that honestly I think the initiative should come from her end. Anyway let's see how the counseling works out.


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