# Honeymoon Stage has ended too soon



## hori24 (Mar 1, 2012)

So me and my wife have only been married for 6 months. We have known each other for 10 years though, and have been the best of friends for all 10. We were on and off for a few years when we first dated, then I moved two states away for a job. Well we finally decided to make it work a few years ago and she moved to me.

The dating phase was awesome. My wife did her share of the chores and kept herself up nicely. Well that has all changed drastically since being married. She has quickly turned into a slob that does practically nothing. I do most, if not all, of the chores around the house on a weekly basis. Every couple of weeks I'll designate a satruday to do a deep clean. Well I might as well be pulling teeth on that day. It usually ends up with me cleaning for an hour or two while she sits on the couch saying she will get around to it when she feels like. When I finally break down and get mad and yell she gets up and half-asses whatever chore she is doing.

In between these cleaning days she does practically nothing. She leaves dishes, laundry, trash, mail all over the place. The first few months I just picked up after her and just assumed she was stressed from work or whatever. Well she hasn't shown any signs of getting better, just seems to be getting worse. If I do mention something about her needing to pick up stuff she gets very defensive and mad...almost hurt. I feel like im living with a teenager. It's gotten to the point that every time I see a mess that she has made and left, I get angry and start to resent her. I've even stopped picking up after her and only cleaning my own messes, well the house is a disaster right now. Dirty glasses and plates all over the place, her dirty laundry all over the house. I'm a pretty neat guy and this living environment is driving me crazy. I'm not comfortable at all in my house right now.

Another problem that is even bigger is her lack of physical attention. Every time I try to snuggle or kiss her she tells me to get away and to get off her. The only time she wants to be intimate is on her terms, which is usually only when she is drunk. I'm beginning to wonder if she is even attracted to me anymore and is just giving up.

I just don't know how to approach her about this. Every time I've tried she gets really mad and upset and redirects the issue back to me about things that annoy her while ignoring my concerns.

On valentines day I ordered her some roses to be sent to her work. Well the florist messed it up and didn't get them to her before she left for the day. She was really mad at me for that it completely ruined that day. I had planned to take her out that night and make it somewhat special, but she was so mad that I didn't even bother to offer.

I want this relationship to work, I love her to death. I just feel like im giving it all my all while she is hardly doing anything. How do I approach her with all these concerns without making her mad?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stop giving in just because she gets pissy about it. Sometimes you have to talk through the painful issues, rather than letting her get her way when she throughs a hissy fit. All you're doing is teaching her what she needs to do to get you to shut up.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell her exactly how you feel and tell her how much it's effecting you.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You may also want to read up on the "nice guy" threads, and see if you fit the description.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hori24 (Mar 1, 2012)

Well I honestly don't think im a pure 'nice guy' by definition. I do wear the pants in the relationship. I haven't simply stood by and got to where im at now by not saying anything. The more I say the less she seems to do. She is has a pretty strong and bossy attitude herself. We clash a lot because of it. It just seems like she has given up addressing my concerns.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Time to sit and have a real heart to heart with her and tell her how what she does and doesn't do (intimacy) is affecting you.

Sounds as if she is a controlling type of person and you two might want to consider couples counseling at least. Perhaps you can meet half way then? She takes responsibility for x rooms in the house and you learn how to be a little more tolerant of some dis-order


----------



## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Try some of the suggestions people gave..and hopefully they work. But, there is a chance nothing will change her and you will either need to accept who she is today or leave the marriage.

I have no idea if she will change or not but I am hoping there is at least a 50/50 chance.

Based on reading so many stories on this website, it seems like the odds of things working out are not in your favor. The good news, though, is that you love her to death (your words) and you are willing to try to work on things so maybe that will help your chances a bit.

Good luck and let us know what happens!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Have there been any other changes besides excessive messiness and lack of intimacy? Decline in personal hygiene? Lack of interest in things that she used to find interesting?

Just wondering if she could be depressed.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Moving is one of the top stressors and a tough way to start a marriage. I bet she is depressed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The honeymoon lasted a while! Ten years is a long time.

But talk to her. Be honest. It will hurt, but the truth hurts. However, do it from the point of view of YOUR needs...don't go telling her she's a messy slob.


----------



## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Could she be depressed about something? I went through a pretty bad time with depression caused by infertility, among other things. That was the only time in my life I let things go around the house. Before and after that time, I was/am very neat and tidy. So, if after knowing her for ten years, she's suddenly stopped caring about keeping house, I would be concerned about depression.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

here is my advice to you.
Tell her you want her to move out.
Now you will think I am recommending you get a divorce or separation. That is not the case.

Before she "had" you she acted a certain way. Now that she has you, she acts a different way. In order for her to act the way you want her to, the only solution is for her to completely understand that she will not "have" you unless she acts a certain way. She has proven that she knows how to act in order to keep you.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hicks said:


> here is my advice to you.
> Tell her you want her to move out.
> Now you will think I am recommending you get a divorce or separation. That is not the case.
> 
> Before she "had" you she acted a certain way. Now that she has you, she acts a different way. In order for her to act the way you want her to, the only solution is for her to completely understand that she will not "have" you unless she acts a certain way. She has proven that she knows how to act in order to keep you.


Before you do this though, make damn sure you're willing to follow through with it. If she calls your bluff and you cave, you weaken yourself a lot.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

