# 12 years, should I call it quits!



## icey (Oct 11, 2007)

Hi all, well I'm a newbie lol...I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice. I have been in this relationship for 12 years now & over those years my fiance has been verbally abusive ( so I have been told) yelling, swearing, throwing things, I find with him it's all over sex if doesnt get it enough he gets very cranky takes it his anger out on my pets eg: this morning when he got up for work at 5.30 am he's yelling around the house he's gonna kill the cat if he pushes him much further, (all over cause the cat meows when he get up so he can go outside). Lately averaging sex once a week, I work 5 nights a week & look after my 3 year old through the day so I get pretty tired & the more he pushes the more I dont want it! Problem is he can be a nice guy when he wants to be but sometimes he can be quite a nasty person. I dont have any real freinds anymore cause he doesnt like ppl ringing or coming over much & he slept with my best freind a couple of years ago when we had broken up for a week so I find it hard to trust ppl these days. My gut feeling is saying to go cause I dont feel very safe here although I thought maybe I'm just over dramatasising(being a idiot) about it, He says he loves me more than anything that our daughter & myself are his world. He is also having trouble in the bedroom by when we have sex he only last a few seconds or its going soft if that happens he gets up & blames me cause im not doing enough.
I am realy confused as to what to do I do love him but he's got me now feeling like I hate sex & I dont want it which inturn is going to cause big problems cause to him sex is a major part of a relationship without it there is no relationship...
Sorry for the bad grammer lol.. Any ideas would be appreciated.
icey


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First let's look at the relationship as a whole

The bad
You argue
he threatens animals 
You work hard

The good
He can be nice

otherwise
few no friends

Okay the thing that worries me the most here is him threatening animals. The first sign of abusers are those that hurt animals. Has he actually ever hurt an animal, you or your child?

draconis


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## icey (Oct 11, 2007)

He has never actualy hit me & I know he would never hurt our daughter but over the years he has hit or kicked my animals at sum stage quite hard but they have never been injured, I am a very animal inclined person I have a quite a few so it makes it hard..
icey


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Okay he abuses animals, has a short temper....

Does he ever threaten to hit you, ball his fist then hit the wall? Say you are lucky he doesn't hit you?

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

COMMON TRAITS: 
Denial: In many cases, the abuser will act as if nothing happened, in order to excuse his/her behavior. If they do admit their actions, it is always the fault of the victim. They justify their actions by claiming that they were provoked. 
Abusive men and women tend to feel inadequate and depressed. Abusive men and women generally come off to the outsider as arrogant and overly self-confident. This is in fact a defense mechanism they use to hide their dislike for themselves. 
Jealousy and possessiveness: An abuser feels jealous and over-possessive of their victim. They often demand to know their victims whereabouts at all times, get insanely jealous at the slightest hint of someone else getting any of their victims attention, and become very hostile at the thought of losing their "property". 
Domination and emotional attachment: An abuser expects complete attention and support from their girlfriend / boyfriend / wife / husband. Abusers expect and demand complete control and submittance on the part of their victim. 
Inability to understand or recognize their problem: The abuser is often times, if at all, the last person to admit that they have a problem. Abusers commonly do not respond well to counseling because they are unable to understand their anger or confusion. 
Alcohol and drug abuse: Abusers tend to lean towards drugs and/or alcohol as an "escape". However, the effects of the drugs and alcohol make the attacks much more intense. Many interviewed abusers, accused of murder, use alcohol and drugs as their alibi. "I did not know what I was doing" or "I can't remember" are very common excuses. 
Manipulation: Abusers know how and when to make their partner feel guilty. By causing guilt, the victim is more likely to stay and deal with the abuse, rather then feel "responsible" for any harm their abuser might inflict on themselves. Suicide is frequently used as a method of manipulation. Sometimes an abuser will go as far as to cut or cause other forms of harm to themselves in order to keep their victim from leaving. 
Frequent abuser: Many abusers have previous instances of abuse in their pasts. Some might have even been arrested or treated for violent tendencies. However often times their current partner is unaware of these situations. 
Obsessed with weapons: Many abusers are infatuated with weapons. They will collect certain weapons, spend countless hours talking about weapons, and participate in events which give them the power to use weapons. 
Stalking: As an undercover method of maintaining control, an abuser will stalk or follow their partner from a far. Its purpose is to frighten their victim, and to prevent them from taking the initiative to leave. Overall, stalking invokes fear, without the abuser even touching their victim. 

Profile of an Abuser

9- Cruelity To Animals Or Chidren: This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain and suffering. They may expect children to be able to do things beyond their ability or may tease children until they cry. 

Profile Of An Abuser

Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

Jealousy
Controlling Behaviour
Quick Involvement
Unrealistic Expectations
Isolation
Blame-shifting for Problems
Blame-shifting for Feelings
Hypersensitivity
Cruelty to Animals
Cruelty to Children
'Playful' use of Force in Sex
Rigid Gender Roles
Verbal Abuse
Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde
Drink or Substance Abuse
History of Battering or Sexual Violence
Negative Attitude toward Women
Threatening Violence
Breaking or Striking Objects
Any Force during an Argument 

Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

~~Submitted by draconis~~


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## icey (Oct 11, 2007)

You hit the nail on the head there! he has a very short temper & he admits it, yes he used to punch walls or usualy takes it out on the car but if he kills himself behind the wheel then thats his choice. But a bit of history his dad used to hit his mum & he said to me in our last fight he doesnt want to turn into his dad! But this is why I posted I wasnt sure if I was looking at it wrong, I dont feel very safe sometimes especialy when he gets in his moods over the sex thing I do wonder what he is capable of. Just as an example we had an argument year or so ago where he took of to the car saying he was leaving & followed & was standing in front of the car he was reving the car as hard as it would go screaming at me to move, I wouldnt cause I didnt want him driving in that state! I think to myself why did I do that & why am I still here! I'm trying to make it work for our daughter & I try to please him I just wish he would give me a edge.
Thanks for your replys too!
icey


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## icey (Oct 11, 2007)

He tried to commit suicide in 2002 because I told him I was leaving, I thought that was my fault so I went back to him, he took an overdose of valium & other medicated drugs...
icey


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## icey (Oct 11, 2007)

That all sounds so familiar its scary cause he does say he doesnt know what he's saying during a argument.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Sorry to say this. You deserve to feel safe period. He sould be your protector not your scarer. If you can't be safe with him, If he doesn't remember etc he needs help now. His choice of trying suicide was his alone. You need not feel guilt. He needs to learn to control his temper. He needs professional help. 

For you I would say follow your gut.

If you leave don't look back.

Stay only if he gets an extreme amount of help. You are in a dangerous situation. If you decide to leave have family there to help you move out and do it while he is at work.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Quote:
Originally Posted by icey 
I should have put this in the other thread! he did do anger managment councilling once he went twice & said he didnt need to go back cause he was better & when I said he needed to we got into a fight over that..
icey 

What a fool. He thinks he is okay? Are you kidding. Sounds like he doesn't want to change. You deserve a man that will treat you with respect.

draconis

See this would scare me more than all else combined!


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## icey (Oct 11, 2007)

Thankyou for your help! If i was reading this & it was somebody else I would be saying to leave that staying wouldnt be a wise choice, I think because he is my first love & relationship & first man that this is why it is hard & because after all this I do love him 'but that is not going to help him I know that know! Its going to be hard to cut those ties with him because of our little girl...But I will do what my daughter & I need to do...
icey


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Good for you. I am glad I could be of help. I wish you the best of luck.

DOn't worry there are good guys out there.

I hope you continue to use the forums to understand the dynamics of a relationship and may your next one be everything you wanted and deserve.

draconis


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## mamab (Jun 29, 2007)

I agree that you'd be much better off NOT being in this relationship. And, please know that whatever he chooses to do when you leave, it is NOT your fault. Don't go back, you and your daughter deserve better than what he's been giving you. 

Oh, and my opinion, if you haven't gotten married after 12 years, you're not going to - at least not with him. I pray that you'll have the strength to do what's best for you and your daugther.


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