# Update 3 months out - Still have my days



## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

Just past the 3 month point at the end of last month and I guess the best way to summarize is there are good days and bad. 

My biggest struggle right now seems to be competing emotions and triggers. I thought it would get easier when my H's A stopped consuming my every waking minute but what I have learned is that it actually feels harder. Now instead of feeling constantly sad, or preoccupied with what happens, I could be going on my life at work, or at the gym, or with friends and then BOOM - "He slept with her". That has got to be the most mind blowing and pervasive thoughts a person could ever relieve over and over again about their husband. Even now it still takes my breath away. I don't know how many times in a social setting I have had to excuse myself to cry privately in the bathroom, or around the corner. I've even had a few pretty big melt downs, thankfully around good and understanding friends. 

We are going to MC every week and my H is doing about the same in IC. He is still very much so battling his own depression and now dealing with some anxiety issues as well. It has been about a week of him staying over every night he isn't working, but he is still effectively living elsewhere because all of his things are still there. I have no faith or trust that this isn't a temporary transition. He has been so unpredictable over the last 3 months that I just never know if anything is permanent. 

I am still majorly struggling with trust issues with him. He has become increasingly more transparent with details, text messages and passwords so that is helping but I very easily get my back up when I see him slipping in to old patterns like hanging out with friends who are girls (which has always been his way, although until the A I would never have worried about it)

I am struggling with own feelings of disappointment/resentment and wanting to feel emotionally fulfilled by someone who never put me second. I want to work things out with my H, and we are working on that, but I wonder if there has been a flop in a sense, where in the beginning he was the one with one foot out the door, and now I am. 

I've heard it through the grapevine that the OW is struggling. I have never been this type of a person but to this I say "Karma is a B*tch". It actually breaks my heart that I could ever feel so much hatred towards someone but I find pleasure in the fact that she is currently (apparently) off work on stress leave, begging her BS to take her back (he is now dating someone new), and has gained 50lbs. They have a kid together so I am very angry at my H for screwing up that poor child's life, but I feel no sense of commitment to the OW who has been nothing but cruel to me since Dday (and even before)


Is anyone in the same boat as me? Struggling with similar issues? Any advice from those who have?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I hear ya...

This weekend where I live there was high school grad ceremonies and I felt depressed thinking that only 4 years ago our son graduated and life seemed so much simpler back then..no EA or all the emotions to deal with. I have felt depressed all weekend..I just want normalcy. I hate the emotions I am left to deal with because of this...


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

We've only been married for just less than 3 years, so it has been especially hard to see how so much has changed in so little time. 

I found this quote the other day and it really struck home for me in terms of why we relish in past memories in times like this. 

"I think the only reason people hold onto memories so tight, for so long, is because memories are the only things that don't change, even when people do"


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

It is hard dealing with this....

I find that I am now in the depression stage..I long for the days when I didn't have these wild emotional rollercoaster days.

It is funny how stuff that you never would have given a thought to previously now you find yourself analyzing and getting suspicious, etc.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Logically I don't see a reason why you would want to get back with him. He probably is a serial cheater(Did you confirm the two other OW?). He is flaky and cannot commit to R even after he put you through all this pain. He is still very selfish. You don't have kids either right? 

But emotionally, I guess you cannot give up yet. Maybe it is because of the history you had ebefore this. You are still 24. You shouldn't be dealing with this crap. Read about this

Sunk costs - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

http://www.petermichaud.com/essays/sunk-cost-fallacy/

P.S: Good to see the OW gaining weight and looking like hell. You described he a very fit woman in your older posts, right?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I am also 4 months out....it is very hard some days. Nothing is restored to where it used to be. Will it ever be? Was it ever to begin with? Just take care of yourself. Get in the best shape of your life. Do things you love.

Keep posting and keep your head up!


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Logically I don't see a reason why you would want to get back with him. He probably is a serial cheater(Did you confirm the two other OW?). He is flaky and cannot commit to R even after he put you through all this pain. He is still very selfish. You don't have kids either right?
> 
> But emotionally, I guess you cannot give up yet. Maybe it is because of the history you had ebefore this. You are still 24. You shouldn't be dealing with this crap. Read about this
> 
> ...


The other rumored OW's were debunked by multiple sources so I am feeling confident this was the first and only time. I honestly felt like we had turned a corner in the last couple weeks with him falling over backwards to try to make everything better for me.... this being said there are definitely rough times - including tonight with a massive blowup on my part. 

Even contemplating ending it puts me in a panic... I'm not saying that is a good reason to stay but I am jsut not there yet. 

As for the OW - she was incredibly fit. I think I actually said "There is a God" out loud when I heard. I myself have actually lost 15lbs and am hitting the gym 4-6 times a week so it does seem a bit like karmic retribution!


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

Oh - and the sunk cost fallacy stuff made for an interesting read.... and oddly captures some of my feelings.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The emotional roller coaster ride is a wild one in the beginning with unexpected trigger that can send you in a downward loop. It does get better with time. Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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