# When dreamer marries practical. Advice pls.



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Putting this question in the men's forum because well I've messed this up in the past and I'm curious about how specifically men feel about this - ladies can answer too obviously.

I'm analytical, practical, frugal and a minimalist who happened to marry a man who is a dreamer, spender who likes "toys". His love language is gifts. Mine is physical touch. Talk about opposites attracting. lol

In the past how I've messed up is by squashing his dreams and trying to inflict MY way on him. Or once I figured this out I swung the other way and tried to give him everything and neglected the financial well being of our family (I handle the money). I see now neither way is right. There has to be some balance.

Well the past couple of days he's been dreaming. He's sharing with me and that's good. What he wants isn't possible right now so I'm just listening, dreaming WITH him, empathizing, that kind of thing. Oh I could get it for him (he wants to buy a house) but it would hurt us financially. My plan is to buy again in 3-5 years when I've saved a downpayment (I'm working on it). I just don't want to do it right now. We aren't ready.

Am I handling this right? Thoughts?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

As long as he feels heard, you'll be fine.

That means reading his body language. When he squirms, "Looks like you're uncomfortable with this". When he raises his voice, "This is very important to you."... etc.

If he feels "heard" - (if he truly feels you understand how he feels) compromise and delayed gratification becomes possible - because it will seem reasonable to him.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Ha! I’m a bit flabbergasted Magnoliagal,

How come it’s your decision to make alone? How come it’s your money and not “our” money?

Are you truly that much of the decision make in your home, where what you say goes?

Is your H really that much of a “dreamer” that he has dreams that he cannot fulfil without your money and your say so? Are you truly that dominant in your home?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Ha! I’m a bit flabbergasted Magnoliagal,
> 
> How come it’s your decision to make alone? How come it’s your money and not “our” money?
> 
> ...


Touche and I knew I could count on you to have a lively debate with me.

It's not my decision to make alone. I truly from the bottom of my heart want to find some middle ground. I just got through talking to him again (nice pleasant conversation). In a perfect world he'd be out of here by the time our lease is up (Feb 12). For me the earliest would be Summer of 2015. It is "our" money but yes you are right I do control it.

Yes I am that dominate in my house and yes I'm working to change that. Hence why I'm here sincerely asking for advice.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Touche and I knew I could count on you to have a lively debate with me.
> 
> It's not my decision to make alone. I truly from the bottom of my heart want to find some middle ground. I just got through talking to him again (nice pleasant conversation). In a perfect world he'd be out of here by the time our lease is up (Feb 12). For me the earliest would be Summer of 2015. It is "our" money but yes you are right I do control it.
> 
> Yes I am that dominate in my house and yes I'm working to change that. Hence why I'm here sincerely asking for advice.


I’m so glad you took it in the way it was meant. If your H has relinquished control of the money to your good self then he must abide by your decisions. It really is that simple.

I say that because you are the one with the “whatsits” to take control and therefore the responsibility of your family’s finances and therefore you are very much more than likely to have thought things through, essentially the risks vs. the gains.

If your H is just coming up to you saying “I want” (a house, a car, a tv) then he has an exceptionally long way to go in life, as yet. But on the other hand if your H is sitting you down with a fully prepared, well thought out and detailed plan he created concerning the finances associated with buying a house then obviously you must take him very seriously.

If the latter is the case, then I very much recommend you ask a friend or pay an accountant to check out both your plans and see which one works best!



You may have to stay the dominant one due to necessity simply because of the type of man your H is!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I'm the dreamer, but I'm also the one who takes care of financial planning. 

I agree with Conrad. If your husband feels that you hear him, and take it seriously, then this goes a long way. Don't automatically discount the dreaming. First, though, you can lay out the financial assumptions and agree on them: what percentage of a down payment, how much of your total income should be spent on mortgage, etc. That way, the dreaming has boundaries. Then, maybe check on mortgage offers from time to time to keep the dream real.

My wife makes a pretty good salary, and sometimes feels pressured with her coworkers, wondering why we don't upgrade, or drive luxury cars, etc. They have this image of people in my line of work, since most live in high end neighborhoods. Most of my coworkers spend more on their car than I did on my first home. I grew up with the union guys, so that's where I prefer to live. However, at the end of the day, we just want financial security in retirement. That, and to be able to travel and never worry about bills. I dreamed of replacing the antique CRT television with a large thing that covers too much of the wall, and she let me get the dreaming bug out of my system for a decade or so. But you can't do that without decent Bose speakers, can you?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Get pre -qualified for a mortgage so you know what you can realistically afford. In the meantime, cut little things that you will hardly miss from your budget (asking for water instead of pop when eating out as an example, so many things ) so you can save up that nice chunk down payment faster. 

Nothing wrong with being a Dreamer -so long as the dream is reasonably attainable, and it is worked for to make it a reality. it is so much sweeter after this anyway. 

Delayed Gratification has tremendous benefits when-you finally get that house & because you have saved, you have sacrificed, your monthly payments are LESS each month & you are not scraping to live paycheck to paycheck to meet the minimum of your bills. That keeps the house from becoming a Burden. 

IN our marraige, the one & only thing we ever used credit for was to buy our house. We prepared by taking out a loan we didn't even need right after we married to "build our credit rating", read that somewhere, and paid it back real quick. Then got our selves pre-qualified. Didn't accually get a house for many years after that, but by then we had excellent credit, even though his job was much to be desired. Having much to put down saved us there too, allowed us to afford more. 

It is the American Dream.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Conrad said:


> As long as he feels heard, you'll be fine.
> 
> That means reading his body language. When he squirms, "Looks like you're uncomfortable with this". When he raises his voice, "This is very important to you."... etc.
> 
> If he feels "heard" - (if he truly feels you understand how he feels) compromise and delayed gratification becomes possible - because it will seem reasonable to him.


I completely agree. 

My H recently shared with me his thoughts and dreams of opening his/our own business. While I felt I was being supportive by saying we'd need to work hard and save x number of years so that we had backing behind us without worrying, his body language changed. He started closing off. I pushed him to talk more. He said he didn't want to get into an argument (we rarely argue). I said it didn't need to be an argument and continued to push for us to talk about it. He didn't feel I was being supportive of him. I explained that I felt I was, that by thinking of _how_ we were going to achieve this was my way of supporting him. He wasn't at the stage of having a business plan and he told me he'd work it all out first. I said I knew that he would, it's just this is how my mind works. I realize now I might have jumped the gun with my train of thinking. He also recognized the way he communicated it, about leaving his job and starting his own venture, sparked anxiety in me. The balance goes both ways. There was no argument, we did hash through it but both of us ended up feeling understood and on the same team. 

He's more prone to spending on a whim and comfortable with loans. I'm the dreamer who makes them happen through practicalities and low risk. Sometimes we balance each other.

I'd keep listening as you're doing, and when the time is right, suggest sitting down together to do some number crunching. But what do I know?! Good luck!


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

I'll chime in and say the same as others: if he's being heard it shouldn't be a problem. I'd sit with him and do a bit of a planning. We need this, we have this, we should be ok to make the move at this time etc. You are the good one with the finances, so you should have something to say. Not to mention that, in this hard times, dreams should come after a mature planning


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

UPDATE:

AFEH - I am a CPA and he has 100% faith in my abilities. He did relinquish control of the money and he knows I have our families best interest at heart. It's my gift and I'm good at it. 

I offered to take him out to dinner and for a drive (looking at neighborhoods) so he could "dream". His body language said he really needed to get away from here for a while to clear his head.

Away from here he shared that his biggest problem is his need to have some space away from all the kids. You know a man cave. He used to have one and now he doesn't. I came up with a solution that is way cheaper than a house and he's happy with that. He said if I will do that for him he can wait the 3 years to buy that house.

YEAH!! I think/hope I've solved this.

I listened to his complaint, empathized with him then worked WITH HIM to find a solution. Amazing. I think I'm getting the hang of this. lol


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> AFEH - I am a CPA and he has 100% faith in my abilities. He did relinquish control of the money and he knows I have our families best interest at heart. It's my gift and I'm good at it.
> 
> ...


Wonderful! 

But I think having a place of your own is a practical dream, it is a goal for both of you! 

You are working towards that goal! Good for you! :smthumbup:

The quality of living is very different between renting and owning!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> The quality of living is very different between renting and owning!


I'll argue this. Depends on where you are. At the moment renting makes more sense. 

Also logic tells me the bottom is not out of the market yet. There are still a lot of new foreclosures where we are. The house we sold 11 months ago dropped in value $20K (they just resold it). My bet is in another 2-3 years it will go down at least another $20K and yes I'm watching it. Then I'll buy.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I'll argue this. Depends on where you are. At the moment renting makes more sense.
> 
> Logic tells me the bottom is not out of the market yet. There are still a lot of new foreclosures where we are. The house we sold 11 months ago has dropped in value $20K (they just resold it). My bet is in another 2 years it will go down at least another $20K and yes I'm watching it. Then I'll buy.


I agree! 

Actually I read an article yesterday said that for the last 30 years, renting is better than owning, financially! 

But I didn't just mean money value! 

I think you made a good point, depends on where you live!

For us, owning is much better than renting! 

When we were renting, we didn't want to buy any furniture, we just had minimum stuff from the landlord, and you know landlords don't provide good stuff in their houses or apartments. So the home furnishing wasn't the way we liked! 

I didn't feel like cooking, same reason, I didn't want to buy a lot of pots, woks, bowls, and plates, and then worry about moving. For two places, we didn't even have a kitchen, so we ate out all the time, the quality of meals were not that good. And now we save a lot of money by me cooking a lot at home! I think money I save on cooking is almost enough for us to pay our mortgage. 

And just the feeling is different. When we rented, I didn't feel I belong to that place. But now we own, I feel I belong to this place, I belong to this neighborhood, I work harder to get close to neighbors. Do my best!  I think my best can't even compare to SA's least! She is good with making new friends! 

But if you don't have the problems I listed above, then YES, renting or owning, financially I don't see the big difference. For us, it is better, the value of real estate has stayed the same or has gone up!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

greenpearl you are so cute!! I feel like I belong to this place even though I don't own it. I cook, clean, and have decorated. I have many friends here more so actually than at my last house. I truly love it here and will be sad to leave. For a rental it's quite beautiful. All my views are of the woods, there is a pool, gym, tennis courts, volleyball, putting green, and it's gated so it's safe. My kids have many friends here and I feel a sense of community. And the best part is if something breaks I just call and they rush right over and fix it plus there is no yardwork. 

Why on earth my husband wants to buy a house and leave all this is a mystery to me. lol


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> greenpearl you are so cute!! I feel like I belong to this place even though I don't own it. I cook, clean, and have decorated. I have many friends here more so actually than at my last house. I truly love it here and will be sad to leave. For a rental it's quite beautiful. All my views are of the woods, there is a pool, gym, tennis courts, volleyball, putting green, and it's gated so it's safe. My kids have many friends here and I feel a sense of community. And the best part is if something breaks I just call and they rush right over and fix it plus there is no yardwork.
> 
> Why on earth my husband wants to buy a house and leave all this is a mystery to me. lol


Ha, then I agree renting is better than owning here! 

Sometimes men think about things we just don't understand! 

A few years ago my husband told me that his dream was to buy a boat and live on the ocean! He actually meant it! I just gave him mischievous smiles and told him he had to live on the boat alone! I am glad that he doesn't want to fulfill his dream!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> Sometimes men think about things we just don't understand!


This is the understatement of the year.


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