# What about fat husbands?



## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I see a lot of posts by husbands not attracted to their wives any more due to weight gain. Just wondering what the women think about their husbands. I think women are far less shallow than men when it comes to physical appearance. It is common to see an attractive women with a balding, overweight older man, but uncommon to see a very attractive man with an older woman who is overweight. 

I prefer hubby to be fit, but if he gained weight I don't think it would change the way I feel about him all that much, and I would still be interested in sex. In fact, I prefer hubby to be less attractive to other women so I can have him all to myself. The only thing I worry about is his health because I want him to live a long time and the less he weighs the longer he will probably live. 

If your hubby gained weight would it change the way you feel about him?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It is a tricky one, I don't like the look of overweight men and really think it would put me off them from a sexual POV.
I have always been with fit men, never experienced an overweight guy.

SO is a big, broad man, he is very muscular but does have a bit of a round tummy. This doesn't bother me at all because overall he is muscular. I would still love him if he gained weight but I would at the same time encourage him to up his exercise. 

As for wanting him to be less attractive to other women, nope not here. He is a very hansom guy, he is all mine and other women can look if they want.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I would be worried about the effects of excessive weight gain on his health, but no way would I lose attraction for him.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

"I think women are far less shallow than men when it comes to physical appearance."

I think men and women are equally 'shallow', or deep .. however you want to phrase it. 

Shrug.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> "I think women are far less shallow than men when it comes to physical appearance."
> 
> I think men and women are equally 'shallow', or deep .. however you want to phrase it.
> 
> Shrug.


It's obviously shallow to want an attractive wife.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

Men place a higher value on a woman's physical appearance and women place a higher value on what a man can provide earn.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband did gain weight and it didn't change the way I felt about him. Therefore I assumed weight would never be an issue and I'd be wrong. When he hit 30 pounds I felt twinge of being turned off by the size of his belly and double chin. He's not a big guy and does not carry extra weight well. I still had sex with him and never stopped loving him but am grateful he didn't stay that size for long.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> It's obviously shallow to want an attractive wife.


Its obviously shallow to want physical charms with little to no regard for anything else. Hence the word 'shallow'.


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

I believe… but most of people here think it all BS… so I believe there is sexual chemistry that is not a temporal fog but ideal resonance. And there is may be only one (may be few) species of the opposite sex that are in resonance. Some are close to the resonance but not exact at the resonance, and looks like these are those that we marry most often. If it would be a perfect resonance it doesn’t matter how does he change - the resonance is still be there. But if it is a close to the resonance it is matter because if you changes you could go farther from the resonance, sorry. For me, I am a female, sex without that chemistry( or that “fog”) is like hitting a nerve, you get sorta convolutions without any pleasure. But I still could be friends without sex with a sexually unattractive person. 
As too me I know only one guy that changes without losing his charms on me. Well he can gain weight, but actually I never liked skinny guys. He would never get bold just due to his genetics, but I liked him the same with long hair and with shaved hair and with normal hair. But I never was attracted to bold guys or to skinny guys, for example. I believe we can’t force ourselves to be attracted to someone, we can be friend or remain friends after physical attractiveness and chemistry gone.

And I am extremely shallow, I bet I take the cake here for shallowness. For me the main and only reason for sex is the chemistry, that is a result that the person is physically attractive for me. If I never actually was attracted to a skinny guy doesn’t mean physical appearance is not important to me. It is important, and skinny guys are just not attractive for me.


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

The minute my cards were down and I started to gain weight my wife took it upon herself to fantasize about a man she works with. eventually this fantasy led into her asking me if I would be willing to have a threesome with a married man that has three kids. She never actually talked to this guy it was all cooked up in her head and I said hell no. We both have our issues, but... when I started to gain a little weight myself, instead of her constructively trying to help me she decided to look toward other men. 

Just sayin'

(I understand all women are not the same. I also understand my wife's thoughts can tend to be a little out there, as I believe she suffers from BPD, but the point was.. it does go both ways.)


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

If my husband gained a lot of weight because he was eating junk food and wasn't exercising I would find it a complete turn off. I'd love him still, but would have a hard time with the sexual attraction part.


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> Its obviously shallow to want physical charms with little to no regard for anything else. Hence the word 'shallow'.


You, guys, both are kidding of cause? For friendship it is not important how physically attractive is your friend, but for sex it is the only reason – you are physically attracted to this person.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

hekati said:


> You, guys, both are kidding of cause? For friendship it is not important how physically attractive is your friend, but for sex it is the only reason – you are physically attracted to this person.


No, Im not kidding. Not in the slightest.

Spectacular, mind-blowing, satisfying, gratifying, loving sex starts in the head. I can masturbate if I want to get off and would quickly tire of a gorgeous sensual bomshell with succulent lips, lithe limbs, a dusky voice, the scent of jasmine, and flawless skin if we had nothing in common and I didnt respect her. Maybe she would make me feel like a giddy school kid (or Conan the barbarian) with her unmatched physique and that crazy thing she does with her hips that made me cum so hard I pulled a sphincter muscle... but make no mistake.. it wouldnt last. I would be bored inside of a week. (OK, a month.  )

No thanks. I'll take substance over a pretty face (or perfect body) any day - no question about it. No contest. My wife caught my eye with her body and her gaze... but she kept me because of who she is - and I think her all the more beautiful because of it. That is where my 'resonance' comes from.  

Im still only 50 though. (nearly). I have a lot to learn.

In the end - we will all be wrinkled and flabby and frail and lumpy and our teeth and hair will fail and other less exciting things. Im fine with that and like to believe I dont put too much stock in the transient things - they matter so little. (I dont mean health.. I mean 'looks'. Health and personality can be incredibly sexy.) Shrug. Maybe I am an odd duck.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

hekati said:


> You, guys, both are kidding of cause? For friendship it is not important how physically attractive is your friend, but for sex it is the only reason – you are physically attracted to this person.


Are you saying that you need to be physically attracted to someone to have sex with them? Men for the most part are "friends" with women that they consider attractive.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

My husband has gained quite a bit since going on his medications. I still am attracted to him. I still fantasize only of him.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

hekati said:


> You, guys, both are kidding of cause? For friendship it is not important how physically attractive is your friend, but for sex it is the only reason – you are physically attracted to this person.


There is a hell of a lot more to sex than JUST physical attraction. Well, for me there is...and apparently, to a few others who have already posted in this thread.


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

I tried to explain but you, guys, just keep missing it – physical attractiveness is not equal to model look. There could be model look but you could not be attracted. It is the chemistry. How it appears I don’t know. I know approximately the type I am attracted too. And this type is a little bit overweight actually. A little beer belly with muscles actually turns me on, not off. If the guy appearance doesn’t hit my brain right he could be mister universe and super model and he could knew all the sex technique from kamasutra and I will not have sex with him.
Chemistry doesn’t relate to personality. Sorry. It doesn’t relate to how great person he is. Sorry. 
Now if the personality is great I sure will feel ANOTHER kind of love for the person. The love that I would feel to a brother or a sister or mother or father or to a friend. It is a friendship. But why I would want sex?


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

My wife was 300 when we first got married. Lost ALOT and now fluctuates between 175-185. Yet when her monthly visitor comes and I'm left to my own devices, half of the time, I still find myself rubbing one out to the 300 pound version. Don't get me wrong, I'm still as attracted to her as ever. I totally lust for the new version, but I lusted after the old one too! So, there's gotta be more to it than just weight.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

My ex gained a lot of weight and it was disgusting to me. However, we had many other problems so I doubt it was just the weight gain that made him unattractive. But I do believe weight gain can play a part especially if it is because he is lazy and eating a lot of junk and maybe depressed. That's not attractive in itself.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

"Chemistry doesn’t relate to personality. Sorry. It doesn’t relate to how great person he is. Sorry."

I like a person who knows what she wants and can defend it. Thats sexy. 

Seriously - for me 'chemisty' goes well beyond the harmony of well matched physical desires between 2 people. I have had that, and it is not enough. The 'chemistry' you describe creates a fire and a good one... but the whole person - indeed 2 people - provide the raw material for making a furnace that burns much, much longer.

My grandparents had this, and they operated at a slow simmer for 60 years. It was groovy to see.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Good question. I've never had to deal with it. For the 30 years I've been with my husband, dating and married, he's always been fit. He has always worked out or played a sport. He eats pretty healthy too. His employer encourages staying in shape and healthy. Employees get a small additional raise in pay if they go to their annual physical.

I think my main concern if he gained weight would be his health not really if I was attracted to him. I really can't say though because I've never been there.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

I would be more concerned about health.

I don't date fat people but for some reason being married and them gaining weight is different. Probably because I love them.

But no man I have been with has gained a lot of weight.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

hekati said:


> I tried to explain but you, guys, just keep missing it – physical attractiveness is not equal to model look. There could be model look but you could not be attracted. It is the chemistry. How it appears I don’t know. I know approximately the type I am attracted too. And this type is a little bit overweight actually. A little beer belly with muscles actually turns me on, not off. If the guy appearance doesn’t hit my brain right he could be mister universe and super model and he could knew all the sex technique from kamasutra and I will not have sex with him.
> Chemistry doesn’t relate to personality. Sorry. It doesn’t relate to how great person he is. Sorry.
> Now if the personality is great I sure will feel ANOTHER kind of love for the person. The love that I would feel to a brother or a sister or mother or father or to a friend. It is a friendship. But why I would want sex?


Well, see that's the difference between you and me. I was attracted to my husband when he was 220 and I am attracted to him now, when he's pushing 300. It is HIM I am attracted to, not his specific body type. I have been attracted to tall and thin as well as short and stocky. For me, what matters is the MAN... his personality, the qualities I find attractive are what make him attractive TO ME.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> I think women are far less shallow than men when it comes to physical appearance.



I don't think 'being shallow' is specific to either gender. What makes one shallow is expecting your spouse to look like Barbie or Ken while letting yourself go. 

H gained a few 'happy' pounds after we met; the last couple years he's been working on taking better care of himself and is now back down to the same size. My love for him never changed.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

That's not shallow, that is hypocrisy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

For me it is very rare that I don’t like somebody’s personality. All of us have some moments and well… ok, I can admit that there are few people that are just too negative about everything that I try to avoid. Or too controlling, have lack of tolerance. But there are not so many of them and usually they prefer to avoid me too LOL. So basically I accumulate only right type of people around me LOL. But basically look (not the model look but a right type of the look) was more important. Ok, maybe not just a look, I guess I like how person talk, again not what exactly he say but his voice, intonation. How he moves is important but it is basically – look. And very often I notice that the same jokes are funnier if the person that I have the chemistry with said it.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> I see a lot of posts by husbands not attracted to their wives any more due to weight gain. Just wondering what the women think about their husbands. I think women are far less shallow than men when it comes to physical appearance. It is common to see an attractive women with a balding, overweight older man, but uncommon to see a very attractive man with an older woman who is overweight.
> 
> I prefer hubby to be fit, but if he gained weight I don't think it would change the way I feel about him all that much, and I would still be interested in sex. * In fact, I prefer hubby to be less attractive to other women so I can have him all to myself. *The only thing I worry about is his health because I want him to live a long time and the less he weighs the longer he will probably live.
> 
> If your hubby gained weight would it change the way you feel about him?


I really don't think that mindset is healthier than wanting a person to keep a nice figure. I hope I can find a shallow who woman will encourage me to stay attractive and not really care about how much money I have.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Personally I don't understand the need to pretend we don't care at all what a partner looks like. 

I was turned off when my H gained a belly and just let it hang out, and it would be perfectly reasonable and natural of him to be turned off if I gained a bunch of weight.

If looks didn't make any difference, you would be equally attracted to everyone.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Ok, call me shallow. When my husband gained weight I was definitely less attracted to him. When he was thin, I found him sexier. 

I don't like too much fat on a man. When I grab love handles and flab it's a major turn off. I won't sleep with an overweight man. I don't like BEING overweight and I don't feel sexy when I have extra pounds on. 

That said, I'm not turned on by my STBXH anymore and it has nothing to do with his appearance.


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

Thank goodness my husband is in phenomenal shape, but I once dated someone who was overweight and it was suffocating to be underneath him in bed, not to mention the sweat.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

pink_lady said:


> Personally I don't understand the need to pretend we don't care at all what a partner looks like.
> 
> I was turned off when my H gained a belly and just let it hang out, and it would be perfectly reasonable and natural of him to be turned off if I gained a bunch of weight.
> 
> If looks didn't make any difference, you would be equally attracted to everyone.


Who says we're pretending? :scratchhead:

Ok, so you weren't attracted to your husband when he gained weight. That doesn't mean EVERYONE feels that way about their spouses. For some, it isn't all about physical appearance.

And no, the "if looks didn't make a difference, you would be equally attracted to everyone" is incorrect. If a man is an @$$hole, I am not attracted to him, whether he has rock hard abs or a flabby stomach. If he is intelligent, articulate, and actually a caring man, I AM attracted to him... whether physically fit or overweight. And that's what keeps me attracted to my husband... his personality and the fact that he cares about me and the family. Am I concerned about his health? Absolutely! But that doesn't change my attraction TO HIM.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

You know honestly, each to their own. But if I got married and my wife gained a bunch of weight just by sheer laziness and then told me that my love for her should make my physical attraction to her unwavering.... I would feel trapped, lied to and resentful.

My best friend dated a girl who in the course of their 3 year relationship gained about 60lbs. He is slim and active. Once they got comfortable in the relationship, she just didn't want to do anything or go anywhere unless it involved shopping. She was a sweet girl but obviously they didn't have the same values. Eventually they went their separate ways.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Hey Maricha, what about hygiene? How do you feel about that? For me, it's a big turn off. Is it something you can overlook, personally?


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

My ex husband went up and down in weight, he could get a bit hefty, never obese but sometimes I would notice his weight crushing me a bit when he was on top (I'm tiny) It never affected our sex life or my attraction to him. Other things however...killed it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

FalconKing said:


> Hey Maricha, what about hygiene? How do you feel about that? For me, it's a big turn off. Is it something you can overlook, personally?


Hygiene, no. He has to bathe regularly, etc. He knows this, too. I make allowances for illness... Ordinarily, he showers. But when sick, he gets really dizzy, so basically, sponge bath, sitting on the toilet, with my help. But yes, hygiene is important. Why do you ask?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I thought my giant ex-husband was quite sexy. And the sex was amazing!


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Hygiene, no. He has to bathe regularly, etc. He knows this, too. I make allowances for illness... Ordinarily, he showers. But when sick, he gets really dizzy, so basically, sponge bath, sitting on the toilet, with my help. But yes, hygiene is important. Why do you ask?


Everybody has their turn offs and turn ons. Just curious.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Who says we're pretending? :scratchhead:
> 
> Ok, so you weren't attracted to your husband when he gained weight. That doesn't mean EVERYONE feels that way about their spouses. For some, it isn't all about physical appearance.
> 
> And no, the "if looks didn't make a difference, you would be equally attracted to everyone" is incorrect. If a man is an @$$hole, I am not attracted to him, whether he has rock hard abs or a flabby stomach. If he is intelligent, articulate, and actually a caring man, I AM attracted to him... whether physically fit or overweight. And that's what keeps me attracted to my husband... his personality and the fact that he cares about me and the family. Am I concerned about his health? Absolutely! But that doesn't change my attraction TO HIM.


Exactly


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Who says we're pretending? :scratchhead:
> 
> Ok, so you weren't attracted to your husband when he gained weight. That doesn't mean EVERYONE feels that way about their spouses. For some, it isn't all about physical appearance.
> 
> And no, the "if looks didn't make a difference, you would be equally attracted to everyone" is incorrect. If a man is an @$$hole, I am not attracted to him, whether he has rock hard abs or a flabby stomach. If he is intelligent, articulate, and actually a caring man, I AM attracted to him... whether physically fit or overweight. And that's what keeps me attracted to my husband... his personality and the fact that he cares about me and the family. Am I concerned about his health? Absolutely! But that doesn't change my attraction TO HIM.


So once you make a commitment to someone, you are then obligated to care nothing about how they look? But it was okay to care when you were deciding whether or not to date them?

Husband-wife relationships are not, and shouldn't be, unconditional love. That is for parents and children.

Also- often when a husband or wife gains a lot of weight or otherwise 'lets themselves go' it's a way on their part to *create distance*, a way to consciously or unconsciously reject their spouse. It makes perfect sense to react negatively to that.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> I think women are far less shallow than men when it comes to physical appearance.\


I agree with you. I also think men are far less shallow than women when it comes to providing for the family.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

My H has gained 120 lbs over the course of our 19 year marriage. He's been at his current weight for about the past 8-10 years. Has it affected my attraction to him? Abso-freaking-lutely. Going from a size 34 pants to a size 50...from nice snug size M boxer briefs to size 3xl tighty whiteys...from being able to have sex missionary style to NEVER doing it that way (he'd crush me)...from being "agile" in bed to grunting and groaning just to get up off the bed...from being comfortable with himself to never wanting to take off his t-shirt during sex because he's ashamed of his appearance. 

But there is more than just physical appearance that kills the attraction. It's knowing he isn't caring enough for his own body to live a more comfortable and longer life; it's hearing him complain how every joint hurts, how his back is killing him, etc; it's knowing we can rarely do any fun physical activities together because he either can't do it or hates physical activity; it's knowing I'm at most 10 lbs heavier than I was when we married, I work out with the Insanity DVDs, I'm very petite and in decent shape...we don't even look like we go together in public. 

I know some people say they would be just as attracted to their H if they gained weight. So to those I say, imagine your H in place of mine as I just described above, and tell me that wouldn't put a damper on your sexual attraction. 

Sorry to sound cold and blunt, but this is a major issue for me and I don't see it changing. I feel like I'm being cheated out of an active, fun, and sexually fulfilling marriage.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

pink_lady said:


> So once you make a commitment to someone, you are then obligated to care nothing about how they look? But it was okay to care when you were deciding whether or not to date them?
> 
> Husband-wife relationships are not, and shouldn't be, unconditional love. That is for parents and children.
> 
> Also- often when a husband or wife gains a lot of weight or otherwise 'lets themselves go' it's a way on their part to *create distance*, a way to consciously or unconsciously reject their spouse. It makes perfect sense to react negatively to that.


My God WHY is it so hard to believe that SOME of us DO feel that way about our spouses?!?! Seriously! Fine, you wouldn't, or don't feel that way about your husband. I DO!

My husband gained 60+ pounds when he was put on medications for bipolar disorder, anxiety, and other disorders. I feel THE SAME WAY about him NOW as I did when we met 14 years ago. He IS that same man in most ways. I don't expect anyone else to understand this. Just as I can't understand someone who only looks at the physical appearance instead of everything.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

pink_lady said:


> So once you make a commitment to someone, you are then obligated to care nothing about how they look? But it was okay to care when you were deciding whether or not to date them?
> 
> Husband-wife relationships are not, and shouldn't be, unconditional love. That is for parents and children.
> 
> Also- often when a husband or wife gains a lot of weight or otherwise 'lets themselves go' it's a way on their part to *create distance*, a way to consciously or unconsciously reject their spouse. It makes perfect sense to react negatively to that.


I never viewed it as an obligation at all. In fact it was never more than a passing thought that he had gained some weight.

I agree that a husband/wife relationship is not unconditional as it is with children but his weight was never a factor in my happiness in the marriage.

I think the thought of a spouse gaining weight to create distance is ridiculous. If I or someone wants to create distance you certainly dont need to gain weight to do it. Nobody wants or is happy to gain weight and be unhealthy or unattractive no matter what is going on in their marriage.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

curious2 said:


> I never viewed it as an obligation at all. In fact it was never more than a passing thought that he had gained some weight.
> 
> I agree that a husband/wife relationship is not unconditional as it is with children but his weight was never a factor in my happiness in the marriage.
> 
> *I think the thought of a spouse gaining weight to create distance is ridiculous. If I or someone wants to create distance you certainly dont need to gain weight to do it. Nobody wants or is happy to gain weight and be unhealthy or unattractive no matter what is going on in their marriage.*


I disagree. People do a lot of strange and unhealthy things in the dynamics of a relationship. I can totally see a spouse doing this if they have a self defeating insecurity. Sort of like those people who initiate conflict to feed into the thought of them and their spouse being incompatible.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

curious2 said:


> I think the thought of a spouse gaining weight to create distance is ridiculous. If I or someone wants to create distance you certainly dont need to gain weight to do it. Nobody wants or is happy to gain weight and be unhealthy or unattractive no matter what is going on in their marriage.


No kidding. When I gained weight, it wasn't to push my husband away either. But I ended up having surgery to lose weight because of MY health, not to make myself more attractive to him. And now, he IS considering weight loss surgery, but is trying other things first. I support him in his weight loss attempts, but I also make sure he knows that I love HIM, whether 300 pounds or 200.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Exceptions aside; extreme weight gain aside. Who can disagree with an individual's personal needs and preferences.

If we're talking about the populous though it's undeniable that men as more commonly prioritize physical attractiveness higher. I'd still love my wife if she gained a bunch of weight but when we first met I bet her good looks were more important to me than my looks were to her. I also bet how I carried myself and interacted with people was more important to her. That DOES NOT mean she could be a vixen or I could be a troll and we'd base everything just on superficial attributes. It's the total package we all want but men versus women on average prioritize specific things slightly different.

She's not shallow; I'm not shallow.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

Nobody will be attractive forever....not you...not your spouse. No matter how hard you try your skin will wrinkle and fat or thin your body will sag! What will you do then, when the younger attractive people want nothing to do with you because you are old, out of shape and no longer attractive?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Waking up to life said:


> My H has gained 120 lbs over the course of our 19 year marriage. He's been at his current weight for about the past 8-10 years. Has it affected my attraction to him? Abso-freaking-lutely. Going from a size 34 pants to a size 50...from nice snug size M boxer briefs to size 3xl tighty whiteys...from being able to have sex missionary style to NEVER doing it that way (he'd crush me)...from being "agile" in bed to grunting and groaning just to get up off the bed...from being comfortable with himself to never wanting to take off his t-shirt during sex because he's ashamed of his appearance.
> 
> But there is more than just physical appearance that kills the attraction. It's knowing he isn't caring enough for his own body to live a more comfortable and longer life; it's hearing him complain how every joint hurts, how his back is killing him, etc;


You paint a pretty vivid and depressing visual there. Is your husband aware that there are these things called "Diets?" A little exercise thrown in doesn't hurt either. What's his reason for letting himself go like this? :scratchhead: 



Waking up to life said:


> So to those I say, imagine your H in place of mine as I just described above, and tell me that wouldn't put a damper on your sexual attraction.


My honest answer is: Any man that I'm involved with who lets himself go like that won't have to worry about taking off his T-shirt during sex because there won't be any.  It would definitely be a relationship buster.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

curious2 said:


> Nobody will be attractive forever....not you...not your spouse. No matter how hard you try your skin will wrinkle and fat or thin your body will sag! What will you do then, when the younger attractive people want nothing to do with you because you are old and out of shape?


This is an erroneous argument imo. So, because nobody will look good at 85 you shouldn't expect to be physically attracted to your spouse at 35?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

curious2 said:


> Nobody will be attractive forever....not you...not your spouse. No matter how hard you try your skin will wrinkle and fat or thin your body will sag! What will you do then, when the younger attractive people want nothing to do with you because you are old and out of shape?


People who love each other kiss their wrinkled lovers with their wrinkled lips and thank god for the years they've had with them.

This changes nothing about the original attraction or even the attraction some time after that. Lost of attraction doesn't necessarily mean loss of love anyway.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

pink_lady said:


> This is an erroneous argument imo. So, because nobody will look good at 85 you shouldn't expect to be physically attracted to your spouse at 35?


Do you want/expect/hope your partner will accept you as you are, flaws and all? Are you perfect? Is your body perfect?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

curious2 said:


> Nobody will be attractive forever....not you...not your spouse. No matter how hard you try your skin will wrinkle and fat or thin your body will sag! What will you do then, when the younger attractive people want nothing to do with you because you are old, out of shape and no longer attractive?


Everything is relative. I'm not as attractive or in as good as shape as I was when I was 25. Actually I'm around the same weight but the aging process is what it is. Therefore I will try to be as attractive, physically fit and healthy as I can be at 49. But I'll never be 25 again. 

Same situation if/when I'm 85. I don't have different expectations from someone else that I don't have for myself. 

I see a lot of good looking old men..and they aren't overweight. 



curious2 said:


> Do you want/expect/hope your partner will accept you as you are, flaws and all? Are you perfect? Is your body perfect?


I'm far from perfect. But I'm not fat. I'm also not tall so if someone doesn't like short women I don't hold it against them. It's just a matter of personal preference. 

I also like chocolate ice cream. Does that mean that there is something wrong with me because I don't like vanilla?


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

pink_lady said:


> This is an erroneous argument imo. So, because nobody will look good at 85 you shouldn't expect to be physically attracted to your spouse at 35?


The basic premise is the same at 35 or 85.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

curious2 said:


> The basic premise is the same.


Well we are all going to die one day so let's just kill ourselves.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

curious2 said:


> Do you want/expect/hope your partner will accept you as you are, flaws and all? Are you perfect? Is your body perfect?


curious I'm curious as to your questioning. It sounds like you feel like you should be loved for who you are. Makes sense but it's not so simple. This is why it's important to know each other's needs hopefully before marriage. There are some guys that will flat out consider 100lbs or some number after marriage a deal breaker. They think if you love them then you'll make effort to not get too heavy. If you think about it in different terms there are many women who find a man who won't hold a job as a deal breaker. They think if he loves them then he should find a way to provide.

Imagine the things you really need from a partner and imagine they aren't meeting those needs. Now imagine staying somewhat slim is one of those needs for someone else. That's how they feel.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

:rofl:


FalconKing said:


> Well we are all going to die one day so let's just kill ourselves.


:rofl:


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> curious I'm curious as to your questioning. It sounds like you feel like you should be loved for who you are. Makes sense but it's not so simple. This is why it's important to know each other's needs hopefully before marriage. There are some guys that will flat out consider 100lbs or some number after marriage a deal breaker. They think if you love them then you'll make effort to not get too heavy. If you think about it in different terms there are many women who find a man who won't hold a job as a deal breaker. They think if he loves them then he should find a way to provide.
> 
> Imagine the things you really need from a partner and imagine they aren't meeting those needs. Now imagine staying somewhat slim is one of those needs for someone else. That's how they feel.


why is it not so simple to be loved for who you are? granted initial attraction is one thing but after that when you know me and supposedly love me if i gain some weight i am mean less to you? i am going to age and my attractiveness is is going no where but down and as it does the less you want me? 

how can you hold attactiveness as a prerequisite in keeping love when it will never be permanent?

As for holding a job, etc....those things are to a degree under some control as are many other factors that make or break a marriage.
at least for me...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

curious2 said:


> why is it not so simple to be loved for who you are? granted initial attraction is one thing but after that when you know me and supposedly love me if i gain some weight i am mean less to you?.


Are you talking love or attraction? Those can and often are two very different things.

Aging can't be helped. It happens. But you CAN do things to keep from gaining 50-100lbs. It CAN be controlled. I know it's not "PC" to say that because it's often classified as a "disability" but unless there's a medical basis most people gain weight because they eat too much. Gaining weight is not something that HAS to happen as you age. It gets harder to lose and maintain your weight as you grow older but it's not inevitable that you gain weight.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Are you talking love or attraction? Those can and often are two very different things.


I think my point is they are not different things.* If i really love you* i am attracted no matter what changes your body goes through.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

curious2 said:


> I think my point is they are not different things.* If i really love you* i am attracted no matter what changes your body goes through.


That sent chills down my spine. With that kind of mind frame, it's just a green light for someone to let themselves go once you make a commitment to them. 

I want effort. Just because I love you, it doesn't mean you don't have to be nice to me anymore, treat me with understanding or stop being affectionate. Just because I love you doesn't mean you no longer have to make an effort to be that beautiful woman that I was attracted to in the beginning. This how I feel about it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

curious2 said:


> why is it not so simple to be loved for who you are? granted initial attraction is one thing but after that when you know me and supposedly love me if i gain some weight i am mean less to you? i am going to age and my attractiveness is is going no where but down and as it does the less you want me?


The argument can be used for almost anything including a man providing for his family which you disregard as different becaues it's controllable. The thing is some would say weight gain is equally controllable and would feel like you aren't showing them love by gaining weight when they've expressed that they find it unattractive. 

There's danger in discrediting your SO's needs just because they aren't your own needs. It's a huge problem in relationships that we treat others how we want to be treated rather than each partner trying to meet the other's needs. My wife could gain a lot of weight before it makes a difference to me. But I have other deal breakers that are pretty rigid. Point is it matters a lot to a lot of guys. If it matters that much and you cannot accept that it should matter then you guys aren't compatible. (I'm presuming this is not hypothetical).


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

curious2 said:


> I think my point is they are not different things.* If i really love you* i am attracted no matter what changes your body goes through.


I'm sorry, but it's not that simple. Love does not equal attraction, and attraction does not equal love. 

As freak on a leash said, there's a big factor of what CAN be helped and what can't. We can't help aging. We can't help if we're in a terrible accident and lose a leg. We can't help if we get cancer and lose our hair. But we CAN work on keeping ourselves in decent shape. We can show our spouses that we want them to find us attractive like we did when we were dating. We can show respect for our spouses by wanting to be alive and healthy for as long as possible.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

FalconKing said:


> That sent chills down my spine. With that kind of mind frame, it's just a green light for someone to let themselves go once you make a commitment to them.
> 
> I want effort. Just because I love you, it doesn't mean you don't have to be nice to me anymore, treat me with understanding or stop being affectionate. Just because I love you means you no longer have to make an effort to be that beautiful woman that I was attracted to in the beginning. This how I feel about it.


I am in shape and take pride in my appeareance. I was pretty hot in my 20's and at 41 I still look good but i am getting older no avoiding that. Continuing to be nice, understanding, affectionate, etc those qualities are not affected by the inevitable changes that happen with age.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

curious2 said:


> I think my point is they are not different things.* If i really love you* i am attracted no matter what changes your body goes through.


That is absolutely not true. You can love someone and not be attracted to them if the changes that they go through are unattractive and a turn off. For me, that's two very different scenarios. 

I'm sorry, but being fat is a turn off to me. So is being sweaty and having bad body odor, smelling like cigarette smoke and having bad breath. And wearing 3XXL tidy whiteys....

If the man I'm initially attacted to and then fall in love with lets himself go to the point where I don't feel attracted to him that doesn't necessarily translate to me not loving him. 

But it might mean that I don't want to sleep with and have sex with him. Two different things. Apples vs Oranges.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I know it's not "PC" to say that because it's often classified as a "disability" but unless there's a medical basis most people gain weight because they eat too much. Gaining weight is not something that HAS to happen


I'm not sure any medical condition can override physics. Less calories intake than energy being used is a mathmatical certainly for weight loss. It's just not easy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Waking up to life said:


> I'm sorry, but it's not that simple. Love does not equal attraction, and attraction does not equal love.
> 
> As freak on a leash said, there's a big factor of what CAN be helped and what can't. We can't help aging. We can't help if we're in a terrible accident and lose a leg. We can't help if we get cancer and lose our hair. But we CAN work on keeping ourselves in decent shape. We can show our spouses that we want them to find us attractive like we did when we were dating. We can show respect for our spouses by wanting to be alive and healthy for as long as possible.


I deleted my post on this thread - because I know this subject is such a touchy one for many.... this is how I feel also......Just as Waking up to Life's words explain...... 

I think it's best to just be honest about it.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

FalconKing said:


> That sent chills down my spine. With that kind of mind frame, it's just a green light for someone to let themselves go once you make a commitment to them.
> 
> I want effort. Just because I love you, it doesn't mean you don't have to be nice to me anymore, treat me with understanding or stop being affectionate. Just because I love you means you no longer have to make an effort to be that beautiful woman that I was attracted to in the beginning. This how I feel about it.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: Goes for men too. Hate to say it, as I look around in the 40-50 age group I see a lot of fat women AND men around and I'm not impressed.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> The argument can be used for almost anything including a man providing for his family which you disregard as different becaues it's controllable. The thing is some would say weight gain is equally controllable and would feel like you aren't showing them love by gaining weight when they've expressed that they find it unattractive.
> 
> There's danger in discrediting your SO's needs just because they aren't your own needs. It's a huge problem in relationships that we treat others how we want to be treated rather than each partner trying to meet the other's needs. My wife could gain a lot of weight before it makes a difference to me. But I have other deal breakers that are pretty rigid. Point is it matters a lot to a lot of guys. If it matters that much and you cannot accept that it should matter then you guys aren't compatible. (I'm presuming this is not hypothetical).


I understand what you are saying and yes you should try to keep yourself in shape and healthy. My point is there are aspects of attractiveness that are beyond control and if my weight is enough of an issue for you why would i think that the issues beyond my control wont be a deal breaker as well. we are splitting hairs here.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

curious2 said:


> Continuing to be nice, understanding, affectionate, etc those qualities are not affected by the inevitable changes that happen with age.


But AGING does not = weight gain! I weigh the same as I did 25 years ago. Maybe even less. And this is after having two kids. 

It's not easy to keep the weight down. I count calories and work out regularly. But weight gain is not a factor of aging so it's not fair to equate the two.

But eating too much and not giving a damn about what you partner feels about it or how it's going to affect your relationship.... That's just inconsiderate and lazy. And then you'll be the first to cry about how you aren't loved any more and what a horrible person your SO is for not wanting to make love to you. 

Yeah, I'd love to down half a pizza right now but instead I'm drinking a bottle of water. Why? Because I give a damn, that's why.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

curious2 said:


> I am in shape and take pride in my appeareance. I was pretty hot in my 20's and at 41 I still look good but i am getting older no avoiding that. Continuing to be nice, understanding, affectionate, etc those qualities are not affected by the inevitable changes that happen with age.


Well you've baited us a little. In my mind your were a young wife who put on bunches of weight after marriage and don't understand why SO isn't jumping your bones anymore. I thought maybe I was trying to help a young woman understand how her husband's needs may differ from hers. Now I'm not sure if this is a philosophical debate or if there's real pain behind the questions.

Maybe more information to your actual scenario would help us be more useful in comments. If you've been married 20 years and put on 20lbs then maybe it's an excuse or midlife or justifying an EA or rewriting history. Who knows. Point is most men don't expect a size 3-5 at twenty years old and for you to still be a size 3-5 at fifty with a hard body. To be honest we have no clue of the details that frame your question.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

curious2 said:


> I am in shape and take pride in my appeareance. I was pretty hot in my 20's and at 41 I still look good but i am getting older no avoiding that. *Continuing to be nice, understanding, affectionate, etc those qualities are not affected by the inevitable changes that happen with age.*


Many women who've gone through menopause would say differently.

It sounds like it's really about your insecurities. You want a man to not really care how you look even though you yourself take pride in it. That way when you compare yourself to younger women, you'll feel secure to know that your SO love for you does not allow him to see any other woman.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Well you've baited us a little. In my mind your were a young wife who put on bunches of weight after marriage and don't understand why SO isn't jumping your bones anymore.
> 
> Maybe more information to your actual scenario would help us be more useful in comments. If you've been married 20 years and put on 20lbs then maybe it's an excuse or midlife or justifying an EA or rewriting history. Who knows. Point is most men don't expect a size 3-5 at twenty years old and for you to still be a size 3-5 at fifty with a hard body. To be honest we have no clue of the details that frame your question.


I have no personal scenario related to this topic other than my feelings and concerns about the attitude about it.. No personal stake. At 40 i am in shape, not perfect have flaws like the rest of us but i dont want to be traded in as my looks fade loved or wanted less as i age....do you????


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

The OP asked about women losing attraction to their husbands if they gained weight...not if their looks faded with the natural aging process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

FalconKing said:


> Many women who've gone through menopause would say differently.
> 
> It sounds like it's really about your insecurities. You want a man to not really care how you look even though you yourself take pride in it. That way when you compare yourself to younger women, you'll feel secure to know that your SO love for you does not allow him to see any other woman.


and as you get older your wife will also notice those younger more attractive men. Do you want to know that she still wants and chooses you? They will be better looking than you....as will the younger women be better looking than me..


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> The OP asked about women losing attraction to their husbands if they gained weight...not if their looks faded with the natural aging process.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


and i am saying if they lose attraction for you because of your weight they will also lose attraction for the other changes that come with age. Sooo.... if thats the case did he/she ever really love you???


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

curious2 said:


> I. At 40 i am in shape, not perfect have flaws like the rest of us but i dont want to be traded in as my looks fade loved or wanted less as i age....do you????


You keep bringing up Age. I'm seeing a pattern here....I'm thinking you are more concerned with aging then weight. 

As I said before, aging is inevitable. It certainly beats the alternative. 

But it doesn't necessarily equate to weight gain. Weight gain is NOT inevitable. Apples vs Oranges again. 

I have many woman friends who are older than me and are in GREAT shape. They are attractive women who work very hard to keep in shape. Age isn't the issue here. 

So what do you do with the man who trades in his 41 year old wife for a 22 year old? I don't know, but it's not the same as his being disgusted that his once Size 5 wife is now a Size 20 and now he no longer desires her. 

She can't stop the aging but she can hit the gym and go on Weight Watchers. 



Waking up to life said:


> The OP asked about women losing attraction to their husbands if they gained weight...not if their looks faded with the natural aging process.


My point exactly.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

curious2 said:


> and as you get older your wife will also notice those younger more attractive men. Do you want to know that she still wants and chooses you?


For the most part this is a double standard in favor of men. Sure there's a growing percentage of cougars but nature sort of set the deck. If I timewarped back 25 years, it would be easy to take woman away from my 20 year old self. The salt/pepper confidence, stability, etc at 45 (even with a few wrinkles) are attractive to a lot of young women.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

curious2 said:


> and i am saying if they lose attraction for you because of your weight they will also lose attraction for the other changes that come with age. Sooo.... if thats the case did he/she ever really love you???


:wtf: Maybe she is just turned off by her FAT husband? :scratchhead: 

A couple of wrinkles and graying hair can be very attactive. I can think of half dozen very handsome older men who I'd be attracted to. But they aren't fat. Why? Because I don't find fat to be at all sexy. 

And there might be women who like big men, but can't stand older men. It's just about what someone finds attractive. On this thread the question is about fat husbands still being attractive to their wives.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

curious2 said:


> and as you get older your wife will also notice those younger more attractive men. Do you want to know that she still wants and chooses you?


Yep. But I still want her to be physically attracted to me. And I am not trying to be a supermodel. But intend to be a man who has a good shape, dresses nice, and has good hygiene.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

Freak On a Leash said:


> You keep bringing up Age. I'm seeing a pattern here....I'm thinking you are more concerned with aging then weight.
> 
> As I said before, aging is inevitable. It certainly beats the alternative.
> 
> ...


i am relating age to weight and to me same ball of wax. Physical features dominating attraction....i just dont agree but will agree to disagree. i can see i am not going to make a dent in the thinking here.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Curious2, again you are using love and attraction interchangeably when they are not. If I lose attraction for my H because he gained weight, or if he went bald, or if his nose hairs got long enough to braid, it doesn't mean I don't love him or that I never did love him. 

The better question would be, if he let himself go and made no effort to take better care of himself, and put no effort into maintaining my attraction to him, does he respect me...or did he ever respect me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

curious2 said:


> i am relating age to weight and to me same ball of wax. Physical features dominating attraction....i just dont agree but will agree to disagree. i can see i am not going to make a dent in the thinking here.


I here you. But I don't want a woman to accept me if I let myself go. How is that motivating me to be that man she met? I refuse to be that guy who is married for 20 years, never shaves, wears some ugly ass slippers from Wal-mart showing my unattended toe nails and bunions, and thrift store t-shirts. And when people ask my why I look like sh!t my response will be, "I already got my woman!" HELLLLL NO! Not me Too pretty for that sh!t..


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

They are more common than fat wives i believe. Last i checked more men were overweight and obese. 

70% of the U.S. is overweight of that 70%, 35% of those are obese. 

Also people need to stop using BMI its outdated. We humans can look really good looking, but sadly........... We don't.


Anyhow i see (often) in shape wives or (not fat but maybe a little chubby wives) who are with a fat husband. I wonder how many of these husbands are putting in equal effort into the relationship, and not just demanding things. Often times many men see nothing else besides their needs and blame the woman for the problems. 

Albeit this site has exceptions as there are men who seem to marry women who only care about themselves, though (imo) those women are damaged from the get go and should be avoided. With men its different it seems things are great at first but slowly but surely husband starts to only see things through his eyes. 

I am only speaking on my experiences though i also deal with divorce a lot as its my job.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

My husband has gained weight over the years and I love him bunches and lots; probably more than I did before when he was fit


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

curious2 said:


> i am relating age to weight and to me same ball of wax. Physical features dominating attraction....i just dont agree but will agree to disagree. i can see i am not going to make a dent in the thinking here.


The original question was:



curlysue321 said:


> If your hubby gained weight would it change the way you feel about him?


I guess it comes down to what the word "feel" means. Does it mean "love" or "attraction"? 

I tend to think that you can still love your chubby hubby but you might not be attracted to him anymore. 

I think to a lot of women it doesn't matter. Many women aren't all that visually connected to the one they love and or/desire in a sexual manner. Many women aren't all that sexual so it isn't a factor. 

For others, like myself..it matters. I don't want to just LOVE my husband. I want to LUST after him. And I want him to do be the same way towards me. 

In my marriage my husband would tell me he loved me. And I believe he did. But he didn't LUST after me in a way that I felt was important. In the end it was one of the the things that killed our relationship. 

For some women, it wouldn't have mattered whether or not their husband lusted after them sexually, only that they were loved. 

Just like their husband being fat doesn't matter to many of the women in this thread. But to others it IS an issue. 

So it's not a matter of wrong or right. Of agreeing or disagreeing. It's a matter of what's important to the individual.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

i am no cougar or overly concerned with my looks or age. does it bother me to some degree... yea... and yes letting yourself go is unhealthy and an issue that needs to be addressed. by all means encourage your spouse to be the best they can be.....i still disagree with the rest.


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

Freak On a Leash said:


> The original question was:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I am very sexual, high drive, it matters to me.Weight has never taken away from that.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

We can all be thin, muscular and healthy. No reason why not

time management is key.

Honestly its unfair for someone to demand the other lose weight or look a certain way if the person demanding is not in good shape themselves.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

curious2, you say you are fit and you have a high sex drive. 

Maybe you just want some kind of insurance policy so to speak that if things are bad your husband won't be swayed to leave easily? Something like that?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

curious2 said:


> I am very sexual, high drive it matters to me. Weight has never taken away from that


For me, an overweight partner kills my sexual desire for him in a big way. No doubt about that. But there are other factors as well. 

So if your husband lost his sex drive and didn't lust after you..how would that change your feelings about him?

Low sex drive often happens with aging. 

MY STBXH used sex and affection as a form of manipulation and emotional abuse. A real relationship killer and the subject of yet another thread. 

I think I would've preferred if he'd just gotten fat.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

To be honest.... If my man gained weight... No it wouldnt change the fact that I love him and yes I would still be sexually attracted to him but I would be fretting about his health. I cant see why people think if thier spouse gains weight then its an insult and disrespect toward them. 

A persons appearance changes throughout life. Thats just a given so I am always baffled that people act so shocked if thier spouse gains weight, loses a leg, if thier mans ass sags and he has a beer gut or if a womans tits sag... Thats just life ffs. I thought it was common knowledge that this happens. 

To think spouses intentionally do this to insult the other is beyond my comprehension and imo completely irrational thinking. A spouse may become depressed, may get mauled by a bear and have half thier face ripped off, may lose a limb while serving, may become disablef due to giving birth or something. 


Me personally.... I would help my spouse through it. If he gained weight and didnt feel like excersizing.... I would cook his meals for him and INCREASE sexual activity! After all... Sex is the greatest form of excersize imo and if he needed a breather he has 30 mins then back to me for another hour or two.


Oh and since I loove wrestling as foreplay.... There ya go. Another thirty mins to an hour of excersize.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

Freak On a Leash said:


> For me, an overweight partner kills my sexual desire for him in a big way. No doubt about that. But there are other factors as well.
> 
> So if your husband lost his sex drive and didn't lust after you..how would that change your feelings about him?
> 
> ...


It would definately effect me if my husband lost his desire for me for whatever reason. Sex drive fluctuates regardless of age naturally.

Now withholding sex to manipulate and abuse is a whole other topic


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

But truthfully.... My man actually NEEDS to GAIN weight. He is on the scrawny side right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

curious2 said:


> Insurance policy????....:rofl: do they sell them???...:rofl:
> That was cute....better by a few.....


in all seriousness, if someone is going to stop loving or wanting me as my body changes then dont even bother with me....do me that favor.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Gaia said:


> . A spouse may become depressed, may get mauled by a bear and have half thier face ripped off, may lose a limb while serving, may become disabled due to giving birth or something.


Exactly. 

Depression, getting yourself mauled by a bear or losing an arm in Afghanistan is just a little different then sitting at home in front of the big screen stuffing Little Debbies into your fat face while chugging beer watching Monday Night Football and then wondering why your wife has this horrified and disgusted expression every time she sees your 3XXL tidy whiteys climbing into bed next to her. 

Oh yeah, and how about you are too winded and fat to have sex? Or crushing your wife every time you attempt to...

And then keeling over with a heart attack or getting Type 2 diabetes by Age 50 because you're too lazy to exercise and don't care enough to watch what you eat! :slap:


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lmao true but like I said... I would so take over his diet and INCREASE sex... Hell if he were that big I would make him do positions like standing and holding me up while pounding away... Lol. If he is really stubborn.... Ill use his own belt on him... :rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Deleted several posts hijacking the thread with multiple personal commentary about the validity of replies or insulting criticism of replies. Remember, forum rules specify treating all members with respect.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Women aren't any less shallow then men.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

NewM said:


> Women aren't any less shallow then men.


I agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Gaia said:


> To be honest.... If my man gained weight... No it wouldnt change the fact that I love him and yes I would still be sexually attracted to him but I would be fretting about his health. I cant see why people think if thier spouse gains weight then its an insult and disrespect toward them.


Says someone who's never been there...



Gaia said:


> But truthfully.... My man actually NEEDS to GAIN weight. He is on the scrawny side right now.


Not said to invalidate your input, but I also used to be one of those people who would say "Well I would NEVER feel that way about..." when I hadn't ever been faced with that situation. I've found myself saying that less and less over the years about a lot of things. The saying "walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you judge them" rings true with me.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Again just for future refrence I have indeed been faced with this problem in the past so yes I am speaking from experience because I have been there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Exactly.
> 
> Depression, getting yourself mauled by a bear or losing an arm in Afghanistan is just a little different then sitting at home in front of the big screen stuffing Little Debbies into your fat face while chugging beer watching Monday Night Football and then wondering why your wife has this horrified and disgusted expression every time she sees your 3XXL tidy whiteys climbing into bed next to her.
> 
> ...


And yet, there are some who, like my husband, do NOT behave in the manner you described. There was a discussion a few weeks ago about weight gain and medications. A few tried to say that there was no way for someone to gain a lot of weight on medications. My husband is proof that it DOES happen. He decreased his intake...gained more weight. He increased his intake, per the dietician's orders, and has lost minimal weight/maintained current weight. He didn't just "let himself go". And I watch his intake. 

The impression I have gotten from some, not all, of course, is that it wouldn't matter how much he tries to lose the weight.... "if he's fat, I don't want him"... And that makes me sick to my stomach. I can't imagine NOT being attracted to my husband due to weight. Maybe it's because I nearly hit 500 pounds in the 3 years following the birth of our oldest child. He didn't lose his attraction to me then. 

I guess my biggest problem is that I've not seen any posts in here stating that if the spouse was doing all they could, but STILL managed to to gain a lot of weight, they'd still be attracted, that it wouldn't change their feelings for them. I'm sorry, but I find it cruel to say to someone "Sorry, honey, I know you're doing all you can to lose weight but I won't have sex with you anymore because you're too fat." 

But, as someone said... to each his/her own. I haven't lost my attraction to my husband after he has gained 60+ pounds. My personal feelings on the subject do not mesh with the majority opinion. It's not the first time that has happened... and it certainly won't be the last.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> Says someone who's never been there...
> 
> 
> 
> Not said to invalidate your input, but I also used to be one of those people who would say "Well I would NEVER feel that way about..." when I hadn't ever been faced with that situation. I've found myself saying that less and less over the years about a lot of things. The saying "walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you judge them" rings true with me.


Even if she "has never been there"...does her opinion invalidate those of us who share her view, and ARE going through it? Certain subjects, I DO stand firm on. It's my personal choice. You have a different opinion. But it doesn't invalidate the opinions of others when they differ from yours.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I feel the same way you do maricha. Like I said previously... Things happen. I have never judged anyone I loved or cared about on thier weight and now me being overweight myself I still wouldnt. My man is like yours, he hasnt ever stopped being sexually attracted to me when I gained weight after the kids and I certainly wouldnt lose attraction for him either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

It wouldn't bother me unless he couldn't do physical things or have sex. 

My SO is a really tall well built man. He's very sexy and if he gained 20 kilos he'd still be sexy to me. 

A morbidly obese person doesn't seem physically attractive to me to be honest, but that's because they seem to struggle with day to day things I enjoy doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

My SO could look like the Michelin Man and I'd still love and desire him. So much so that I'd do everything in my power to help him get healthy again - including having sex to help him burn up the calories!


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Even if she "has never been there"...does her opinion invalidate those of us who share her view, and ARE going through it? Certain subjects, I DO stand firm on. It's my personal choice. You have a different opinion. But it doesn't invalidate the opinions of others when they differ from yours.


No, of course not. I apologize to you and Gaia. This is just a subject that hits a raw nerve with me. No one should be told how they should feel about something. It is what it is.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I am not nor did I intend to come across like I was telling anyone how to feel. I was only trying to express how I feel about this subject as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

I think people are confusing love with attraction.

I would take a bullet for a woman I loved at any weight, but I wouldn't necessarily want to have sex with her at any weight.

Becoming overweight is NOT a normal part of aging. Wrinkles are a normal part of aging. Greying hair is a normal part of aging. 

A lot of people have posted that "You'll be old and full of wrinkles and sag eventually, so why worry about weight?" Well, anyone who makes it into their 40s gradually starts to lose their hearing, so why not swirl a sharp metal object in your ears now because you'll eventually lose your hearing anyway?

Dieting and exercise dramatically slows down aging and will give you more and healthier years than if you didn't take care of yourself.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

fat husbands and fat wives........


I think all men and women would prefer fit spouces.

and everybody has a point of ok this is excissive and I am losing my attraction for you.

Imo spouces should make reasonable effort to keep themselve attractive to eachother physicaly and mentaly. theres no such thing as unconditional love unless you have no self respect for yourself.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Everything you listed could be considered as NOT normal for aging nowadays considering there are products out there to cover it up or "fix" it. Dieting and excersizing does not help in all cases and wont garauntee added yeats. Many things happen that lead to being ovetweight and fyi no I do not confuse love with attraction. Not everyone thinks or feels the same obviously but those of us who say... Yes we will still be sexually attracted to our spouse regardless of weight.. Mean it. 


And true, love can be conditional but everyones condition varies. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Me personally.... I would help my spouse through it. If he gained weight and didnt feel like excersizing.... I would cook his meals for him and INCREASE sexual activity! After all... Sex is the greatest form of excersize imo and if he needed a breather he has 30 mins then back to me for another hour or two.
> 
> 
> Oh and since I loove wrestling as foreplay.... There ya go. Another thirty mins to an hour of excersize.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That could be framed as duty sex, or passive aggressive ..... or it could be framed as awesome. I'll go with the later.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Dieting and excersizing does not help in all cases and wont garauntee added yeats.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


First, let me say that I really like you Gaia.

But really, you're saying that someone who is obese and sedentary from childhood has just as much of a chance at a long and healthy life as someone who does cardio everyday?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

No I am not saying that at all. I am saying in some cases people gain excess weight and have issues keeping it off due to injuries, medication, ect. Things like that is what I am referring too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> That could be framed as duty sex, or passive aggressive ..... or it could be framed as awesome. I'll go with the later.


:rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> I see a lot of posts by husbands not attracted to their wives any more due to weight gain. Just wondering what the women think about their husbands. I think women are far less shallow than men when it comes to physical appearance. It is common to see an attractive women with a balding, overweight older man, but uncommon to see a very attractive man with an older woman who is overweight.
> 
> I prefer hubby to be fit, but if he gained weight I don't think it would change the way I feel about him all that much, and I would still be interested in sex. In fact, I prefer hubby to be less attractive to other women so I can have him all to myself. The only thing I worry about is his health because I want him to live a long time and the less he weighs the longer he will probably live.
> 
> If your hubby gained weight would it change the way you feel about him?


SO has a bit of a tummy but he still has that sexy lean look that I like a lot.If his little tummy turns into a big tummy then I'll ask him to work out with me...you know,as my coach to keep me motivated

Edited to add:it wouldn't change my feelings about him.I've struggled with weight and felt unsexy because of it.Some extra lbs won't turn me off.If he completely let himself go I'd want to help him figure out why and what's going on with him.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Zig said:


> I think people are confusing love with attraction.


Ok, let me say this one. more. time.
I am not confusing love and attraction. Yes, I love my husband. I am also physically attracted to him. I was physically attracted to him when he was 220. I am still physically attracted to him at close to 300. FOR ME, love and attraction go hand in hand. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be attracted to him, no matter WHAT his body type. And, if I wasn't attracted to him, I wouldn't love him. Again, this is ME, how _I_ feel about MY husband. Not everyone feels the same way about it. But just because we who DO feel that way, doesn't mean we are confusing love and attraction.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

I don't think that it is the excessive weight that impacts the sexual desire, but the corresponding issues that surround it. The weight leads to health concerns by both parties- which really does nothing to enhance the mood, but the most damaging is the decrease in confidence and self worth by the person that has gained the weight. 

I was the fat husband (


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Gaia you should not be posting on this topic.

You and that pretty boy you're living with


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Gaia said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:bringiton:






j/k!!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lol falcon.... Seriously though...... My pov remains the same......














(im sooo telling him you called him a pretty boy!!")
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

41362 said:


> I don't think that it is the excessive weight that impacts the sexual desire, but the corresponding issues that surround it. The weight leads to health concerns by both parties- which really does nothing to enhance the mood, but the most damaging is the decrease in confidence and self worth by the person that has gained the weight.
> (


 I agree....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

The difference between a close friendship and a romantic relationship is sexual attraction. If the sexual attraction goes away, you have two people who live as roommates or as two good friends raising children together. Therefore, it's important to stay fit as we can given our individual circumstances. Some degree of weight gain over time (10-15 pounds) is fine with me, but a lot (25 pounds or more) would induce me to say something, gentle and diplomatic, and I would expect the same from him. My husband and I have had this conversation and both of us are in agreement. We would NEVER leave the other for weight gain and in return we both try to work out regularly to stay in the best shape we can for our age, size and lifestyle. 

My husband has stuck with me through illnesses, job changes, geographic relocations, and a whole lot more. Shouldn't the person who has seen me at my worst deserve to have me at my best? That's why I try to track my food and exercise. I want to be the best version of me for me and for him.

It's important to be physically healthy and fit as possible while recognizing most of us are not going to look like professional athletes or fitness models. At the same time, we need to realize society, at least in America, is much larger in size than they used to be. Just because people have gotten bigger doesn't mean that we have to say nothing can be done about our own individual weight gain over time.


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

curious2 said:


> why is it not so simple to be loved for who you are? granted initial attraction is one thing but after that when you know me and supposedly love me if i gain some weight i am mean less to you? i am going to age and my attractiveness is is going no where but down and as it does the less you want me?
> 
> how can you hold attactiveness as a prerequisite in keeping love when it will never be permanent?
> 
> ...


Well.. I think it 1) is not so much look it is chemistry. There are many young girls that looks perfect but guys select something that they like (some like skinnier, some like not so skinny even on a fat side). Nobody or almost nobody like really obese because it is not healthy. Same with women. I never liked skinny guys; good hair always was a turn on, broad shoulders was a turn on etc. 
2) I think we subconsciously correct our image of a perfect match with age. I think we continue to feel the chemistry with the image of the same guy but now he aged to our age. At 18 y.o. a little beer belly never would turn me on, it would turn me off. But basically the type, I always was attracted to, develops a beer belly with time. It is not the skinny type. And now a little beer belly is a great turn on for me. But the farther the type from my ideal type the more horrible it looks for me with age - skinny type, for example. And now I don’t feel any chemistry with younger guys too.
3) Then it goes to obesity it is already a problem. I guess anyone would worry about health and obesity can’t be attractive. 
4) I do believe we should love a person for who he is, but it includes the look. It is simply we can’t change the person. If he is skinny type even if he gets fat I still wouldn’t feel chemistry. It doesn’t mean I couldn’t still love his personality, but I wouldn’t like to have sex with him. I wouldn’t mind to talk to him maybe to share some activities, love him as a friend, but, sorry, no sex.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> And yet, there are some who, like my husband, do NOT behave in the manner you described. There was a discussion a few weeks ago about weight gain and medications. A few tried to say that there was no way for someone to gain a lot of weight on medications. My husband is proof that it DOES happen.


I'm sorry.. I made a very general statement, half in jest and it wasn't directed at any one person or situation. I did state at some point that there is always the exception of weight gaine due to medical reasons.

I myself know that medication CAN affect weight gain. There was a time when I was put on medication that did increase my weight simply because it increased my appetite. I was able to get a different medication, which solved the problem but that isn't always possible to fix. Also sometimes people's metabolism changes, there's thyroid problems, etc. 



> I guess my biggest problem is that I've not seen any posts in here stating that if the spouse was doing all they could, but STILL managed to to gain a lot of weight, they'd still be attracted, that it wouldn't change their feelings for them. I'm sorry, but I find it cruel to say to someone "Sorry, honey, I know you're doing all you can to lose weight but I won't have sex with you anymore because you're too fat."


Honestly, having never been in this position I can't make an absolute statement on this situation. I lost my attraction do my husband for other reasons. I do know that when he did gain weight I felt less attracted to him. But there were other factors there too. Maybe, if he were an otherwise kind, affectionate and loving husband that I had a lot of emotional investment in I would've felt differently. 

Unfortunately that wasn't the case. My husband seemed intent on crushing all the affection, love and respect out of me..and eventually he succeeded in doing just that. 

I envy that there are people out there who have experienced the opposite scenario...that you have the deep seated emotion of KNOWING that you would stand by your spouse, despite any changes in their attactiveness and that their beauty is indeed more than skin deep. 

I can see your point and I give you credit. Your husband is lucky to have you.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

My STBXH weighs over 280lbs. He's balding has a hairy back with acne on it and lives on diet coke and junk food. He hasn't bought any new clothes for about 6 years except a winter hoodie from Costco - he dresses like a slob.

He had the nerve to call me fat and tell me he didn't want to have sex with me anymore when I went from a size 10 to a size 16 over 10 yrs (I'm 5 ft 8). I've since lost 20 lbs and slowly losing the rest.

I still loved him though, and stuck with him through thick and thin, yet he chose to abandon his family for another woman.

In my case, the true love and loyalty was one-sided. He wanted a trpohy wife, I wanted a life partner and best friend.


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## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

Tricky issue. I think the disconnect is that some people are simply more visual in what drives their attraction. Doesn't make them bad people or make those who aren't visual good people. It just is.

Also, everyone's standards are their own. "Too ugly", "too short", "too fat" are usually pretty subjective.

So even for some who feel they aren't visual, it may be that they just haven't had to deal at their limits. Conversely folks who are visual may have just not yet experienced a body type or characteristic that surprises them in its unconventional appeal

Those of us who are well below average can only stand and applaud the "non visual attraction" types though, I must say


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> My STBXH weighs over 280lbs. He's balding has a hairy back with acne on it and lives on diet coke and junk food. He hasn't bought any new clothes for about 6 years except a winter hoodie from Costco - he dresses like a slob.
> 
> He had the nerve to call me fat and tell me he didn't want to have sex with me anymore when I went from a size 10 to a size 16 over 10 yrs (I'm 5 ft 8). I've since lost 20 lbs and slowly losing the rest.
> 
> ...


Wait a minute! :wtf: A 300 lb balding slob of a man with a hairy back covered with acne who hasn't bought new clothes in 6 years found ANOTHER woman? 

Holy crap..I wonder what SHE looks like? 

He did you a big favor. Now go find yourself a real man.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Exactly.
> 
> Depression, getting yourself mauled by a bear or losing an arm in Afghanistan is just a little different then sitting at home in front of the big screen stuffing Little Debbies into your fat face while chugging beer watching Monday Night Football and then wondering why your wife has this horrified and disgusted expression every time she sees your 3XXL tidy whiteys climbing into bed next to her.
> 
> ...


Interesting. What do you feel about women who have multiple pregnancies and have trouble losing the excess wait? Are they too lazy? Should their husbands find them less attractive? What if they're crushing their husband everytime they try to get down?

See I'm of the opinion that if excess weight affects are persons libido as much as some of you are saying, then other factors inevetibly will as well whether you're willing to admit it or not.

Everybody wants their spouse to be attractive to them so it's ultimately up to the decider what he or she chooses to be with. If a husband for instance gains weight and a wife is no longer attracted to him, of course that is her right. You can't help what you like. All I'm saying is that same wife shouldn't be coming on TAM asking why her husband is hooking up with his 22 year old secretary 20 years younger than her. If attraction is based that much on physical appearance marriage is construct doomed to failure.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Wait a minute! :wtf: A 300 lb balding slob of a man with a hairy back covered with acne who hasn't bought new clothes in 6 years found ANOTHER woman?
> 
> Holy crap..I wonder what SHE looks like?
> 
> He did you a big favor. Now go find yourself a real man.


See this is what I was trying to get at. This attitude that somehow due to his physical apperance, dude can't pull chicks.

I've seen dozens of men who are not attractive by my standards, heavier than I am and earn about half of what I do annually get a continuous flow of younger attractive women. Seriously. There are always women out there that are attracted to something. Either looks, the size of your wallet, or *gasp* your character.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

I agree with you sinnister. I think though she is saying that the guy sounded like someone who put no effort into anything, not even his marriage. What could another woman have found of value in him? I don't think it was his character.

Also, I think a lot of people are talking about weight that is controllable. Pregnancies, diseases, or serious disabilities aren't something I would be looking at as dealbreakers. If a had a woman that gained weight over a thyroid issue I wouldn't break up with her. Because I would KNOW that if she could lose the weight she would. Just not the same to me. Birth control can cause massive weight gain in a lot of women too.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

sinnister said:


> Interesting. What do you feel about women who have multiple pregnancies and have trouble losing the excess wait? Are they too lazy? Should their husbands find them less attractive? What if they're crushing their husband everytime they try to get down?


I think that the woman should go on a diet, work out and lose the weight. What's good for the gander is also good for the goose. 

I had two kids. I gained weight over the years. 3 years ago I was a size 18 with a 34" waist. I went on a diet, worked out and am now a size 5 with a 26" waist. It wasn't easy but it can be done. Depends on how much you want to do it. 

BTW, I gain the weight back if I don't watch what I eat and exercise. I pretty much always have to watch what I eat. I LOVE to eat but I hate being fat more.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

sinnister said:


> I've seen dozens of men who are not attractive by my standards, heavier than I am and earn about half of what I do annually get a continuous flow of younger attractive women. Seriously. There are always women out there that are attracted to something. Either looks, the size of your wallet, or *gasp* your character.


I agree. So I guess it's good for them that all women aren't like me.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

FalconKing said:


> I agree with you sinnister. I think though she is saying that the guy sounded like someone who put no effort into anything, not even his marriage. What could another woman have found of value in him? I don't think it was his character.
> 
> Also, I think a lot of people are talking about weight that is controllable. Pregnancies, diseases, or serious disabilities aren't something I would be looking at as dealbreakers. If a had a woman that gained weight over a thyroid issue I wouldn't break up with her. Because I would KNOW that if she could lose the weight she would. Just not the same to me. Birth control can cause massive weight gain in a lot of women too.


:iagree: :iagree: That pretty much sums up how I feel and what I was trying to say.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

sinnister said:


> See this is what I was trying to get at. This attitude that somehow due to his physical apperance, dude can't pull chicks.
> 
> I've seen dozens of men who are not attractive by my standards, heavier than I am and earn about half of what I do annually get a continuous flow of younger attractive women. Seriously. There are always women out there that are attracted to something. Either looks, the size of your wallet, or *gasp* your character.


It's called "game." If you've got enough of it, you can get past having a crappy physique and a mutt ugly face. If you've got body, the face, and the game all in one package? Well...


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I think that the woman should go on a diet, work out and lose the weight. What's good for the gander is also good for the goose.
> 
> I had two kids. I gained weight over the years. 3 years ago I was a size 18 with a 34" waist. I went on a diet, worked out and am now a size 5 with a 26" waist. It wasn't easy but it can be done. Depends on how much you want to do it.
> 
> BTW, I gain the weight back if I don't watch what I eat and exercise. I pretty much always have to watch what I eat. I LOVE to eat but I hate being fat more.


I train a woman who has given birth to 5 kids. Six pack, smokin' hot. There is no secret to it; just cut out all the grains and sugars and your body will return to what it's supposed to be naturally, which is "attractive."


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