# Falling for an emotionally unavailable man???



## Faith.N.Love (Sep 2, 2010)

This may be a long story but then again i guess you'd expect this from a web site like this lol.

Before I start, we both are police officers working in the same division (I know for sure that there aren't any rules against relationships in the same department...believe me I've checked and rechecked lol). 

The man that I'm refering to has been through hell and back and I'm not quite sure what to do, how to approach this, or if I even should. 

He's 32 (I'm 24) and he's been a cop since he was 19 and a reservist in the Marine Corps since he was 17/18 ish. He was called to active duty where he served for quite a while in combat. 

During his time over there (roughly 6 years ago), he was injured by an explosion that sent him home with more than just physical scars. He suffers from PTSD (mostly nightmares) and when he had returned his girlfriend left him because she couldn't take his scars and nightmares (her cheating also was a factor). Needless to say, he distanced himself from pretty much every woman that showed interest. His best friend, whom I'm very close to, says that he wants nothing to do with women in general and that he's very insecure about his scars and everything else. He basically threw himself into work earning him a very good reputation amongst other officers.

But.....theres a wee bit more...

When he came back he was offered a temporary position at the academy as an instructor to get back on his feet before going back on the streets. He was my instructor...well one of my instructors. He was always very cold and hard on me more than the other women. I called him out on it once and I'm pretty sure I stunned him (I'm normally a very nice person but I'll be honest by saying I was an utter b*tch to him). I had always had a feeling about him since I met him but kept it hidden in the back of my brain for a while. 

After I graduated, we both were transfered to the same department but had not spoken much...just casual looks. Just recently, my girl friends and I had gone out to celebrate one of their birthdays when I was caught in a bit of a crunch. I went to the bar to order more drinks when a guy started hitting on me pretty aggressively to the point of grabbing on my wrist pretty roughly. My friend and my instructor were with some other cop friends and saw the whole thing. He came over, grabbed the guy by the collar, and pulled a 'marine' on him before I could even react. The creep left and he asked me if I was alright but I was still in a bit of a shock. He was extremely caring and held my wrist for a little bit to check it but was immediately embarrassed and left pretty quick after that. When I talked to his best friend later he said he was surprised to see that side from him again.

This isn't the only incident where something like this has happened. He's known for being a hard ass while most of the guys seem to think of me as their counselor or mother since I usually bring them baked goods and stuff  (donuts baby lmao) But every so often I catch a soft glance from him, which I return with a smile. I just don't know what to do?!?!?! I'm so clueless. I've never been in a serious relationship before and I'm one of those girls who if you date its intended to be long term. But I know that how I feel about him isn't something that I can easily ignore anymore. I just wish he would let go of some of his insecurities because I know that he's truely a great guy.

Well...thats all for tonight. Off to work for me...


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

I placed this in your other post as well:

If he is single, your single and he is available and willing please do follow your heart. Slow, gentle steps, the man will open up to someone he likes. Lots of talking from you, eventually you must tell him how you feel. Respect his wishes if he wants you to step back. Do not let yourself get to embroiled as it will hurt if he says no.

Normally one of the golden rules is do not date a work colleague.

I have been in an unfortunate position where in a tense moment the reaction of man A to protect lady B almost took a whole unit out. Rational thinking goes out of the window if you are close to each other and have to work in close proximity, especially in your line of work.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If you're both single and willing, and you're positive there are no restrictions on dating in your department, then I see nothing wrong with telling him how you feel. I would caution you to be prepared for him to turn you down. I would also caution you to think long and hard about getting involved with a man who clearly has PTSD and trust issues. It's likely going to create some rather large issues between the two of you. Be sure you can handle that. Be sure you want to handle that.


----------



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

*My father and PTSD - a paen and a warning*

A bit odd posting about my father on TAM, here goes. 

My father at 16 was a HS graduate who was very bright and big for his age. He skipped entire years of school, enlisted in the Navy in 1942 or 1943. He became a medic and was with the Marines on Okinawa and several other places where casualty rates (dead and injured) were 1 in 3 or higher, medics routinely had the highest casualty rates and removed their red crosses before landing - they, napalm crew, and lieutenants were snipers' primary targets.

What he endured went far beyond horrible, I'll skip the details, those with strong stomachs can visit a Vet's meeting and ask around, better yet go to a VA hospital and volunteer to aid those few men and women who lived through the war in the Pacific, and those good men and women who have been injured in the last decades.

My dad was 6'1, very strong, broad of build, very athletic, in his teens he sometimes worked on the NYC docks, this in an era where a hook and a strong back were used to load and offload tons of material. His much older BIL was a union official, part of the Jewish gangs that helped start Las Vegas in later years. See "The Waterfront" and a few other movies from that era for a romantic version of that era. 

In the Pacific he saved a lot of men, was under fire all too often, received medals, performed a successful appendectomy during the typhoon that struck the fleet, and, although never badly injured in his body, I'm now certain he suffered from PTSD and never recovered. He died a few days before he turned 70, his last years were not happy years unless I was visiting and I was a continent away with two children, a deteriorating marriage, a wife who quite reasonably objected to taking the kids to see my parents annually. 

He was always loving with me, his eldest child and only son, but reserved. He had wonderful social skills, I would see him at bridge tournaments, men and women really liked him, given his size, his brilliant playing, a very handsome face, and an easy manner as long as you didn't try to know him too well it was easy to see why.

He was intensely private, didn't have close friends, and was very, very easily angered by my mother - money was always tight, my mother not a shrinking violet, a woman who grew up in extreme poverty, her father dying when she was 8 yo with 3 younger brothers, the youngest under a year. Evictions every few months followed by moving was a constant in her life.

She saved whatever she could, even saving money when she was on Social Security, my father having seen so many lives quenched too early, spent whatever was in his pocket.

I grew up in fear of their arguments, I hated them, hid in books and vowed to never subject my kids to the same and pretty much succeeded.

I haven't made a detailed study of PTSD, but having read a fair number of books, I know that a large number of the men who were sent back from the battle - not fronts, these battles really didn't have fronts the way Europe did - cracked under the pressure. It did not let up for days and days and days, night times would see infiltrators silently killing one of the three or four Marines in a foxhole.

Finally getting to my message, and saying I've known a Vietnam Vet who also had PTSD and could not get his life together, if you haven't already tried to rescue your friend from his injuries, mental and physical, I'd keep looking, at the very least learn more about him and PTSD before going into a relationship despite his being a fine man.

PTSD and its effects can go from mild to extremely intense and you don't want to live with the intense flavor.

Good luck.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> A bit odd posting about my father on TAM, here goes.


Think, no, it is not odd at all. On the contrary, it is very "on point" in a thread addressing the wisdom of dating a man with PTSD. And, my oh my, what a wonderful story! It makes me regret not having had the opportunity to meet your dad.


----------



## BlueEyedBeauty (Sep 27, 2010)

*Yes, when you really know you are very much in love with someone and not even with them at that time. It is even harder to let that person know. Back when my husband and me were friends and before we even met each other on person- we knew we were deeply in love. We talked over the C.B. Everyday, seven days aweek- we would sit there and talk to each other 8-10 hours a night and then he would get up go to work and do all over again. (He is OLDER than me) I would get up at that time and tend school...*

*We talked to each other for over a year and then we met each other. Him knowing he was in love with me and loving me and with me even knowing the same about him and also on how I was feeling; it did make things harder but still I kept it in as he did the same. He would come over after work stay at the house with me for 8-12 hours a night, and no nothing ever happen. The most that ever took place was he held me and we shared one kiss- the kiss was about a week before getting together. Anyhow, I was so scared to let him know how much I loved him, that I was falling for him and wanted to give it try*

*So, now to do with you, if you are feeling love for this person or really care about them- let the person know how you, are feeling about him and that you think you two should give it a try. If I never said anything to my husband I would not have him from this day and would not be his wife for 17 years either... So, there are things to do- either reveail to him on how you feel or just wait like you are doing.... If I were you, open up and let the man know...*

_____________________________________________________
Just a little note here for you- where you would know

*True love, is something you would not always find, and when you do- make sure you do everything in your power to hold on to it- true love is something so very rare; it is so very precious; hold onto it just like you if it was a treasure...*


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

This is a really interesting topic: Basically the guy you like is an honorable man, who served his country well, has suffered as a result which was compounded by a terrible betrayal by his wife who ultimately abandoned him.

If you pursued him and in the future married, you are basically subjecting yourself to life with a difficult person to love - through external actions, and possibly his own internal wiring. But on the other hand, he's a good man who will both protect you and be loyal. 

Seems to me a man like this needs a very patient, loving, caring, understanding woman, who is strongly routed in her own values and identity. It's very hard to love damaged people, as they take much more than they give. And often can only give in specific ways, which are not necessarily the ways you would like them to give. (The father who can't say I love you or show physical affection, but will show love through acts of service, as an example.)

So the question to ask yourself is: Are you strong enough to love a man like that? If so, then see what happens. If not, don't. The worst thing that could happen is that you pursue him, get together and years later find you can't handle it. You'll just further damage a person who has already been through enough.


----------



## hkim (Nov 25, 2010)

If you loved someone, you couldn’t let lies come between you. No matter what happened - even if you’d already lost each other forever - you owed each other the truth. Being honest to our self can relieve us not to have a worry-free life and love without doubts, Talk to him and be open on what you have felt towards him. As we love a person we need to sacrifice something, He might reject you when you tell it to him or something gonna happen. in your case, I saw a man who is very dedicated to his country in giving his service. This is his passion and profession, as you go on you need also to love his passion in order to understand him. You didn't mention if he is married: Is he is not married, go on with the dating thing but if you are not sure that he is. I can suggest to make a little search on marriage record to be sure that he is not.


----------

