# New to this and going through a tough time right now.



## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

I would like to say that I am new to this forum and I am going through a very difficult time right now. My wife of 10 years has in the last month told me she is not happy and has left. I married my wife who had two kids from a previous relationships but was never married to them and a couple years into our marriage we had a beautiful baby boy. Living in a blended family is certainly not easy and I made my fair share of mistakes with her two kids. I always loved them but hindsight I was probably harder on them then I should have been. Their fathers were not in their lives and they look at me as their dad. When we met I was almost graduated from college and worked different jobs and went to school to support my new family. 

After graduation I got a good job and did all that I could to make my family happy. When my son was born I told my wife she did not have to work and could stay home with our son. All seemed well but over time she became bored and wanted to go back to work now that our son was in school. She dropped some little hints that she was depressed but went to the doctor and they got her on some prozac. All seemed to be well but I noticed that she didn't seem to have me as a priority an longer. She said she loved me and acted like she did but I just knew this isn't the way a wife is suppose to treat her husband. In the last year my step son decided he wanted to go live with his real father and this totally devastated my wife. She basically started blaming me for my step son wanting to live with his dad. My wife sunk into a deeper depression. 

She started not hanging out with me and would withdraw to our bedroom to watch tv or just fall asleep. Sex was non existent and when we did she basically would just lay there kind of like can you get this over with. I even contemplated maybe asking her for a separation but was just hoping this was a phase. We rarely kissed any longer or even said goodnight, again I was hoping this was just a phase and she would snap out of it. She did tell me about 6 months ago that she needed to see a counselor about her depression. The doctors prescribed her two new drugs that I don't know what they are and she said she is probably bipolar or manic. She was never good at taking her pills and the distance between us grew. I took the family on a vacation with my parents to Florida the week of Valentines day this year and I had a crazy feeling that after this trip she was going to leave me. Sure enough the next day after we got back she told me she can't do this anymore and that she is not happy and just doesn't love me like that any longer. That was my worst fear realized and in an instant my family was turned upside down. My thoughts went directly to my son and how I didn't want this for him, as I grew up in a divorced family, I didn't want that for my son at all and told her I would do whatever to save our marriage. 

I made a commitment to her for better or worse. She said it was to late and she had just given up. She has since moved in with her grandparents waiting to get her own apartment. My step daughter is completely beside her self and is still leaving with me and my son. She won't speak to her mother because she is so upset that she left me. My step daughter and I have not had the best relationship over the years but I have always loved her and gave her some tough love when she needed it, her father was a meth addict who for most of her live has been in jail. So I have been her father for most of her life. Just like in the first post from Gut Punch my wife too seems to be happy to be a free. Going out and partying and she started smoking cigarettes again and just liking not having any responsibility. This is still so fresh that I can't even tell my 8yr old son that his mother and I will probably be getting a divorce. We are telling him right now that mom is staying with her 93yr old grandparents to help them because her grandpa is truly really sick and she is helping them. I just want to wait until the school year is over before trying to tell him. It absolutely breaks my heart to think about it and brings tears to my eyes. No more family or mom and dad together during his birthdays or christmas. This has been the biggest emotional issue for me. She does however know that at this time my son is better off living with me and his sister and has not demanded him to be with her. My son means the world to me and he is all I have and it would kill me if he wasn't in my life everyday. In the last couple weeks I have gone from being extremely sad, depressed to angry and resentful. I keep catching myself looking out our windows hoping my wife pulls into the driveway and comes into the house and says to me I am sorry I made a huge mistake and I want to work things out. I understand this is not going to happen but I want to so badly try to save our marriage but she just seems to want to move on. I can't express how much I did for my wife and I was for the most part a really good husband. I get the kids ready for school every morning make them breakfast and take them to school. I do dusting and vacuuming and pick up after myself and her and do all the dishes. The only thing my wife really had to do was laundry. I have so many thoughts going around in my head and I am sorry to lay this all out here. In a way it does feel good to just write this. I truly love my wife and would like to work things out but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Thank you for letting me vent as I do believe it has made me feel a bit better today at least.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You thought if you made her life easy, she would love you.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

I just wanted to be the best husband I could and I thought by doing things to help the family and her would make our family happy.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Time to get to work.

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Head to the book store.

Married Man's Sex Life Primer

No More Mr. Nice Guy

In your effort to be a great husband
You have lost your attractiveness.

In other words vacuuming does not make panties wet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> Time to get to work.
> 
> https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


I will give this a read and I do see while glancing through this that I probably could be considered a "nice guy". The thing is I have dated a good amount of women and I have broken up with most of them but it is really a different experience when it is someone who you have a child with and started a family.
Thanks for the pdf as I mentioned I will read all 155 pages.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

GutPunch said:


> Head to the book store.
> 
> Married Man's Sex Life Primer
> 
> ...


I understand this but being married to someone isn't always about making panties wet. There is the everyday minutia of daily life and responsibilities that need to get done. If I didn't vacuum it would never have gotten done. Am I missing the point?


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## LovingHusband414 (Feb 8, 2013)

crb said:


> I would like to say that I am new to this forum and I am going through a very difficult time right now. My wife of 10 years has in the last month told me she is not happy and has left. I married my wife who had two kids from a previous relationships but was never married to them and a couple years into our marriage we had a beautiful baby boy. Living in a blended family is certainly not easy and I made my fair share of mistakes with her two kids. I always loved them but hindsight I was probably harder on them then I should have been. Their fathers were not in their lives and they look at me as their dad. When we met I was almost graduated from college and worked different jobs and went to school to support my new family. After graduation I got a good job and did all that I could to make my family happy. When my son was born I told my wife she did not have to work and could stay home with our son. All seemed well but over time she became bored and wanted to go back to work now that our son was in school. She dropped some little hints that she was depressed but went to the doctor and they got her on some prozac. All seemed to be well but I noticed that she didn't seem to have me as a priority an longer. She said she loved me and acted like she did but I just knew this isn't the way a wife is suppose to treat her husband. In the last year my step son decided he wanted to go live with his real father and this totally devastated my wife. She basically started blaming me for my step son wanting to live with his dad. My wife sunk into a deeper depression. She started not hanging out with me and would withdraw to our bedroom to watch tv or just fall asleep. Sex was non existent and when we did she basically would just lay there kind of like can you get this over with. I even contemplated maybe asking her for a separation but was just hoping this was a phase. We rarely kissed any longer or even said goodnight, again I was hoping this was just a phase and she would snap out of it. She did tell me about 6 months ago that she needed to see a counselor about her depression. The doctors prescribed her two new drugs that I don't know what they are and she said she is probably bipolar or manic. She was never good at taking her pills and the distance between us grew. I took the family on a vacation with my parents to Florida the week of Valentines day this year and I had a crazy feeling that after this trip she was going to leave me. Sure enough the next day after we got back she told me she can't do this anymore and that she is not happy and just doesn't love me like that any longer. That was my worst fear realized and in an instant my family was turned upside down. My thoughts went directly to my son and how I didn't want this for him, as I grew up in a divorced family, I didn't want that for my son at all and told her I would do whatever to save our marriage. I made a commitment to her for better or worse. She said it was to late and she had just given up. She has since moved in with her grandparents waiting to get her own apartment. My step daughter is completely beside her self and is still leaving with me and my son. She won't speak to her mother because she is so upset that she left me. My step daughter and I have not had the best relationship over the years but I have always loved her and gave her some tough love when she needed it, her father was a meth addict who for most of her live has been in jail. So I have been her father for most of her life. Just like in the first post from Gut Punch my wife too seems to be happy to be a free. Going out and partying and she started smoking cigarettes again and just liking not having any responsibility. This is still so fresh that I can't even tell my 8yr old son that his mother and I will probably be getting a divorce. We are telling him right now that mom is staying with her 93yr old grandparents to help them because her grandpa is truly really sick and she is helping them. I just want to wait until the school year is over before trying to tell him. It absolutely breaks my heart to think about it and brings tears to my eyes. No more family or mom and dad together during his birthdays or christmas. This has been the biggest emotional issue for me. She does however know that at this time my son is better off living with me and his sister and has not demanded him to be with her. My son means the world to me and he is all I have and it would kill me if he wasn't in my life everyday. In the last couple weeks I have gone from being extremely sad, depressed to angry and resentful. I keep catching myself looking out our windows hoping my wife pulls into the driveway and comes into the house and says to me I am sorry I made a huge mistake and I want to work things out. I understand this is not going to happen but I want to so badly try to save our marriage but she just seems to want to move on. I can't express how much I did for my wife and I was for the most part a really good husband. I get the kids ready for school every morning make them breakfast and take them to school. I do dusting and vacuuming and pick up after myself and her and do all the dishes. The only thing my wife really had to do was laundry. I have so many thoughts going around in my head and I am sorry to lay this all out here. In a way it does feel good to just write this. I truly love my wife and would like to work things out but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Thank you for letting me vent as I do believe it has made me feel a bit better today at least.


Man crb, very similiar to my situation. Lots of sililarities. I even ordered my copies of those books last week. These guys know what they're talking about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

crb... also, break up your first posting into paragraphs. Its easier on the eyes.


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## LovingHusband414 (Feb 8, 2013)

One thing I learned crb, and I wish I would have posted earlier and known this 2 months ago, DO NOT beg and plead for her to come back. It will only make you look needy and desperate and you don't want that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

crb said:


> I understand this but being married to someone isn't always about making panties wet. There is the everyday minutia of daily life and responsibilities that need to get done. If I didn't vacuum it would never have gotten done. Am I missing the point?


Yes, yes you are. That's ok though, we all tend to at first.

I wont elaborate as I am very tired and off to bed and you are already in good hands. Welcome to TAM though. It sucks to have to be here but once you need it, it is amazing. Just wanted to welcome you and say, the more counter intuitive some of the advice may seem, the more you should probably consider taking it.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Thank you guys I really appreciate your insight. I certainly have not begged or pleaded for her to come back but I have made it known that for the sake of our marriage and our kids I would be willing to work things out.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

CRB-It will get better. But you dictate how fast. ReGroup, GP's, Zillard's threads.......read those. Will show you many introspects and warn you of what she will most likely do. I did not have kids with my ex so, mine was boring LOL!

CRB-It is always easier to give advice than follow it yourself. You have emotions tied into yours. It's a long ride.....me and the ones i mentioned have been through it......and i can say....any will be glad to help you.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Does she make a habit of leaving husbands?


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

GutPunch said:


> Does she make a habit of leaving husbands?


No, she has never been married before prior to me.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

I know she has some mental issues she needs to work on and I feel that she is lost right now and not thinking clearly. I am doing what I can to give her the space she needs but as the days go on it just seems like we are growing farther apart.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

You cannot see the light for her.

Work on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

GutPunch said:


> You cannot see the light for her.
> 
> Work on you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are absolutely right. I do understand that and I am trying to just focus on my son. 

I do have a fear of being alone though. I have this thought of me old and lonely and it scares the hell out of me.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

What was her situation with father(s) of two children she brought to marriage?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

crb said:


> I do have a fear of being alone though. I have this thought of me old and lonely and it scares the hell out of me.


^^Gotta get over this^^


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> What was her situation with father(s) of two children she brought to marriage?


The first happened to be a guy she worked with and they fooled around one night and produced my step daughter. She was never really into him and he got busted for making meth and is in jail for a long time. He has never been there for his daughter.
The second guy was someone who I do believe she loved but he left her for another women who he ended up marrying and divorcing. He is a real tool who has a new girlfriend every week. He was not really interested in his son until he got older and started playing sports and is quite good at hockey. Now my step son lives with him and it bothers my wife to no end.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

CRB-In the beginning, everyone fears that. But you will get through this. Focus on you and your child. What is your standing with your two step-children?


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> CRB-In the beginning, everyone fears that. But you will get through this. Focus on you and your child. What is your standing with your two step-children?


My step daughter loves me and is devastated by her mothers decision. She wants to remain living with me and my son, her half brother, and for the last month has not spoken with her mother. She is a senior in high school and wants to continue to live with me for her first year of college. I told her whatever happens between her mom and I that I will always love her and she is always welcome in our home. My step son likes me too but currently lives with his Dad. He does still talk with me on occassion.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Some of her issues appear to stem from what happened before she met you. But you are the only one she can blame for it. My ex had deep issues from WAY before we met. If they are not addressed, they fester. And she is the only one who can deal with the problem, being from before you were around.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

This is so the walk-away-wife-syndrome. Isn't there a sticky on here about that? This is gonna sound crazy but start snooping her emails, see if you can find out what she's really doing. I gave my husband the I love you but am not in love with you speach, I had an emotional affair going on. Mostly texting but what I'm saying is if she is getting attention from another man then she is going to act abnormal as she has been and not have a concern for you or her kids because she's too into the newness of someone else..I MIGHT BE WRONG tho so please do not just assume that's what is happening. Just keep your eyes open. Good luck and I sure hope I'm wrong about another man being in the picture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

step-daughter can, of course choose where she wishes to stay. you did a great job raising her......she has high respect for you


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

crb said:


> I know she has some mental issues she needs to work on and I feel that she is lost right now and not thinking clearly. I am doing what I can to give her the space she needs but as the days go on it just seems like we are growing farther apart.


Fear is your enemy.

If you are afraid, she will sense it.

It will work against you.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> This is so the walk-away-wife-syndrome. Isn't there a sticky on here about that. This is gonna sound crazy but start snooping her emails, see if you can find out what she's really doing. I gave my husband the I love you but am not in love with you speach, I had an emotional affair going on. Mostly texting but what I'm saying is if she is getting attention from another man then she is going to act abnormal as she has been and not have a concern for you or her kids because she's too into the newness of someone else..I MIGHT BE WRONG tho so please do not just assume that's what is happening. Just keep your eyes open. Good luck and I sure hope I'm wrong about another man being in the picture.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It was one of the first things I asked her and she says it has nothing to do with someone else. I do believe her and she would tell me if she was with someone else. I believe she is just not happy with herself right now which makes it impossibe to even love someone else right now.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

crb said:


> You are absolutely right. I do understand that and I am trying to just focus on my son.
> 
> I do have a fear of being alone though. I have this thought of me old and lonely and it scares the hell out of me.


How old are you?


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Conrad said:


> How old are you?


37 will turn 38 on July 2nd.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

crb said:


> 37 will turn 38 on July 2nd.


Alone?

You have no idea.

You are likely quite the catch.

But, that's not the point.

We need to connect you with you.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

crb said:


> It was one of the first things I asked her and she says it has nothing to do with someone else. I do believe her and she would tell me if she was with someone else. I believe she is just not happy with herself right now which makes it impossibe to even love someone else right now.


You believe her. Let me guess. She never lied to you before. No reason to distrust.

My wife didn't lie either
until she did. Then they kept coming.

If she is cheating she will lie. FACT
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

crb-she may feel broken inside but most wives tend to run to someone who shows her attention, any attention. Conrad......show no fear......this is similar to a playground stand off


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Wives never lie, until they get caught


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

GutPunch said:


> You believe her. Let me guess. She never lied to you before. No reason to distrust.
> 
> My wife didn't lie either
> until she did. Then they kept coming.
> ...


This forum is FILLED to the brim with people who trusted their spouses.

Before we can offer anything constructive, you need to take the following steps:

1) Keylogger the computer
2) Obtain cell phone records from the last several months, including texts, IM's, and voice
3) Get onto her Facebook
4) Obtain one (or more) voice activated recorders. Put them in places where she expects privacy - under her car seat, under her bed (if she's in a different room), etc.

You will then have a good idea what you are up against.

Tell us what you find.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

crb if you believer her i have some awesome ocean front property to sell you here in IDAHO.......really i do.

the great philosopher jeff foxworthy said "if a woman in a relation ship comes up to you saying we need a break either she is already riding another pony or she has one cut from the heard and has the saddle out of the barn"


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

crb-has anyone filed yet?


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

like conrad said tone of guys like you who trusted their wifes and people on here told them to snoop and they did and guess what the wife lied. i know i know i am shocked to. my XW lied to me about the guy she was sleeping with


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> crb-has anyone filed yet?


No she says that she is in no hurry. She has left open the possibility of getting back together but has told me not to hold out for that. I understand and when I am ready I will move on. This just happened last month so this is still so fresh.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

My husband asked me if there was someone else and I remember getting uncomfortable and quickly saying "no" then changing the subject. I don't think I looked him in the eyes but I don't remember. Eventually when I told him we need to make plans for seperation and said "and maybe even date other people" he asked me again..I then confessed and told him everything..I really hope that is not the case with you and your wife. I just wanted you to be aware of the possibility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

I feel like if she is cheating it would almost make this easier as that would be a red line for me. For the most part my wife is a good person and I do believe her when she says she is not involved with someone. I do however feel that in time she will meet someone probably before I do.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

crb said:


> I feel like if she is cheating it would almost make this easier as that would be a red line for me. For the most part my wife is a good person and I do believe her when she says she is not involved with someone. I do however feel that in time she will meet someone probably before I do.


We really can't give you good advice without this key info.

Prove it to yourself.

I hope you're right.

I believe you are wrong.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> My husband asked me if there was someone else and I remember getting uncomfortable and quickly saying "no" then changing the subject. I don't think I looked him in the eyes but I don't remember. Eventually when I told him we need to make plans for seperation and said "and maybe even date other people" he asked me again..I then confessed and told him everything..I really hope that is not the case with you and your wife. I just wanted you to be aware of the possibility.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In none of our discussions has she ever mentioned we should date other people. I honestly believe this is not as she has been pretty honest with me from the get go.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Conrad, too late for me......I never used any. But I see how they help others uncover things they thought was not happening. I had a friend ask me about the 4 you listed. And he had ?s. ones I couldn't answer. I will post them here, Conrad you may know the answers and if you do not, could point him to one which could. OK?

1) Keylogger the computer---how is this done?

2) Obtain cell phone records from the last several months, including texts, IM's, and voice--what if phones are not in one plan or if his is a secondary phone from spouse who holds main phone. She can look into his but he cant hers.

3) Get onto her Facebook-will not give password, any way around this?

4) Obtain one (or more) voice activated recorders. Put them in places where she expects privacy - under her car seat, under her bed (if she's in a different room), etc. --what if there is one key to her car and she locks it all the time?

Any help would be appreciated!


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

ok well I'm really sorry you are going thru this..stay strong for the kids..take care of youself..remember to eat and get some rest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> ok well I'm really sorry you are going thru this..stay strong for the kids..take care of youself..remember to eat and get some rest.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am very tired and I feel like I haven't eaten for a month. 
It really is the hardest thing I have had to go through.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> Conrad, too late for me......I never used any. But I see how they help others uncover things they thought was not happening. I had a friend ask me about the 4 you listed. And he had ?s. ones I couldn't answer. I will post them here, Conrad you may know the answers and if you do not, could point him to one which could. OK?
> 
> 1) Keylogger the computer---how is this done?
> 
> ...


I am an IT professional and I have all kinds of tools to do keylogger and the likes.
I have access to her facebook and iphone and nothing is suspicious at all. We live in a small community where for the most part everyone knows everyone. It would have been known and gotten back to me if she was cheating.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> This forum is FILLED to the brim with people who trusted their spouses.
> 
> Before we can offer anything constructive, you need to take the following steps:
> 
> ...



CRB...This needs to happen. There are several red flags. 

Does she guard her cell phone? Is it password protected?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

crb-i hope you are right........
you may have to man up and file papers yourself
need to start parenting plan too
D17 shouldn't have one, she is old enough to choose herself


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I'm sorry for bringing up the possibility of another man..I really am but my husband had a thread before he knew the truth and well sounded like you..Don't worry about it right now, in time you will know if there is another man. You need to get some ensure, V8 juice, vitamins in your system, get some over the counter sleeping pills if you have to but take care of yourself. Make yourself have a few crackers or some toast. This stuff can really take a toll on your health and I don't want you to have more worries on your mind. Take it easy for now and like I said, in time you will know if something's going on. Praying for you..stop with the begging and pleading with her. Trust me, that will push her away more..Go silent and cold and she just might come back to you. So leave her be, stop talking to her. She'll talk to you when she's ready.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> I'm sorry for bringing up the possibility of another man..I really am but my husband had a thread before he knew the truth and well sounded like you..Don't worry about it right now, in time you will know if there is another man. You need to get some ensure, V8 juice, vitamins in your system, get some over the counter sleeping pills if you have to but take care of yourself. Make yourself have a few crackers or some toast. This stuff can really take a toll on your health and I don't want you to have more worries on your mind. Take it easy for now and like I said, in time you will know if something's going on. Praying for you..stop with the begging and pleading with her. Trust me, that will push her away more..Go silent and cold and she just might come back to you. So leave her be, stop talking to her. She'll talk to you when she's ready.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for the kind words. The other man was my first question to her. She could look me in the eyes and tell me it is not another guy. I guess I didn't ask if it was another women though..


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Yes, a cheater can look you in the eye and say there is no one else. 

I did it for five years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

I guess if we are already separated I don't see why she would lie. What is she afraid of that I might leave her or divorce her?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

crb - time to hit the gym and get in shape. 
Update your wardrobe and get a new haircut, too. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Because you would be Plan B. You know in case Plan A doesn't work out.


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> Conrad, too late for me......I never used any. But I see how they help others uncover things they thought was not happening. I had a friend ask me about the 4 you listed. And he had ?s. ones I couldn't answer. I will post them here, Conrad you may know the answers and if you do not, could point him to one which could. OK?
> 
> 1) Keylogger the computer---how is this done?
> 
> ...



1. Plenty of software on the net that you can download and install on the computer. Some of it's free, if you want the job done right, you may want to shell out some cash and make sure you get something solid. You get what you pay for. A good keylogger will not only record all the keystrokes, but will take screenshots, and email all this information to you so you can look at it whenever/wherever you want.

2+3. If you've installed the keylogger already, this takes care of itself. As soon as she logs into her cell phone account, FB profile, email, whatever, the password will be logged as well. Chances are good they'll use one password for everything, so you only need to get them logging into something to be able to access everything. If the passwords are already saved on the computer (so they don't need to log in every time they sit down), clear/delete the saved passwords after installing the logger, which will force them to type it in the next time they're on the PC.

4. Make an excuse to get out to their car without her around. Go out somewhere (to dinner, the store, whatever), and at some point tell them that you left your wallet/phone in the car, ask for the keys so you can run out and grab it. As long as you don't take 5-10 minutes trying to install the VAR, it shouldn't arouse any suspicion. Repeat this tactic a couple weeks later to retrieve it from the car. Alternative plan - if both spouses are still living together, just wait until she goes to sleep, or gets in the shower, grab the keys, and go do it.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

crb said:


> It was one of the first things I asked her and she says it has nothing to do with someone else. I do believe her and she would tell me if she was with someone else. I believe she is just not happy with herself right now which makes it impossibe to even love someone else right now.


What exactly did you ask her and what exactly did she say?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

crb said:


> I am an IT professional and I have all kinds of tools to do keylogger and the likes.
> I have access to her facebook and iphone and nothing is suspicious at all. We live in a small community where for the most part everyone knows everyone. *It would have been known and gotten back to me if she was cheating.*


An emotional affair can be just as damaging to a marriage as a physical affair. Sometimes worse. 

Toxic friends are damaging too. Any single girl friends who could be cheerleading in order to get a new single partner in crime?

As an IT guy I imagine you are aware of texting apps, iphone games with IM included (words w/friends), etc.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Yep. I know all about those apps and software. Up until a month ago all my wife's activities could be accounted for. I asked her if there was someone else and she said no there is no one else. Just her who she said needs help. She is bipolar perhaps manic depression. She said she hasn't even thought about finding someone new and it will be a long time before that happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

So far I have about two pages of people trying to convince me my wife cheated on me. Again I could be proven wrong but I don't think this is the case at all. I just feel she doesn't love me anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

I received that line a few months ago. Its part of the wayward script.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

crb,

I know this isn't the advice you probably came here looking for. I know you know your wife would never do this, has no reason to lie, etc. Nobody wants to believe it, even when the signs are staring them right in the face.

Listen to these people. They've been through it. Your wife's mental issues aside, if there is another man in the picture, reconciliation will _never_ be possible. You need to know what's going on so you can know what you're dealing with, and decide what you're going to do. You need to be absolutely sure of what's going on, whatever that may or may not be. Of course we all hope you're right, and that your wife isn't cheating - but unfortunately it often ends up being the case.



> I guess if we are already separated I don't see why she would lie. What is she afraid of that I might leave her or divorce her?


Because she knows it's wrong, and/or is afraid of other people judging her. My STBX had an affair before leaving. Within three weeks of separation, she had a new, different boyfriend. She kept this a secret from everyone except her closest friends. She only came clean after I found out about it and called her out on it.

Even now, several weeks later, she's come clean to her own immediate family and some more of her friends, but she's _still_ hiding it from most people (her grandmother, other extended family, her co-workers, etc).

There is a (well-deserved) social stigma against dating someone else a month after leaving your husband. A lot of people will just assume that she started dating him before leaving you. Your wife, if she's seeing someone else, has plenty of reason to lie and hide it.



> She said she hasn't even thought about finding someone new and it will be a long time before that happens.


So did mine. After her original affair flamed out, she said she wanted to be single for a while, find herself, be happy with herself, etc etc. Little did I know that as she was saying all this, she was already striking up a new relationship with someone else.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

crb said:


> Yep. I know all about those apps and software. Up until a month ago all my wife's activities could be accounted for. I asked her if there was someone else and she said no there is no one else. Just her who she said needs help. She is bipolar perhaps manic depression. She said she hasn't even thought about finding someone new and it will be a long time before that happens.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I never want to date again. 
I won't ever get married again. 
You have nothing to worry about. 
Do you really think I would do that to you? 
You think I'm that kind of person?
I'm so messed up I need to push you away to save you.
You deserve someone better.
ILYBNILWY
I need space.
I need to figure out who I am.
I haven't been happy in a long time.

Any of this sound familiar?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

crb said:


> So far I have about two pages of people trying to convince me my wife cheated on me. Again I could be proven wrong but I don't think this is the case at all. I just feel she doesn't love me anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are getting that because that's the most common thing we see here. Yes, perhaps a few do leave on their own but most of them need "help" out the door.

She could be an exception. But then again she may not be.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chuck71 said:


> Conrad, too late for me......I never used any. But I see how they help others uncover things they thought was not happening. I had a friend ask me about the 4 you listed. And he had ?s. ones I couldn't answer. I will post them here, Conrad you may know the answers and if you do not, could point him to one which could. OK?
> 
> 1) Keylogger the computer---how is this done?
> 
> ...


Chuck,

You guy a keylogger program and install it on the common computer. She never knows. You get passwords to everything - including facebook. You even see the wording of skype chats etc.

Most niceguys control the phone plan, as they pay the bills. If not, you ask her to port her number to your plan. If she won't, you have at least a partial answer.

Keylog gets you around Facebook issue.

Even if she locks her car, there are places she "expects" privacy if you live in the same place. VAR them.


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

Openminded said:


> You are getting that because that's the most common thing we see here. Yes, perhaps a few do leave on their own but *most of them need "help" out the door.*
> 
> She could be an exception. But then again she may not be.


Exactly. CRB, you said you were afraid of being on your own and alone. Don't you think your wife, especially with her issues, would be terrified of that as well? Unless of course, you guessed it, she already has a safe landing spot.

Just food for thought. We just want you to investigate and be absolutely sure. Nothing worse than living in limbo for another several weeks, only to one day post on page 25 of this thread "so, it turns out there was someone else...." No one wants to read that. So find out for sure right now.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Btw crb, 

My X is bipolar too. Possibly borderline personality disorder. Once I started questioning her actions and suspecting an affair she started a campaign of trying to convince me it was all about her mental/mood issues. This still continues to this day, even though I discovered, exposed, and divorced her. 

Why not come clean after separation? Mine still hasn't fully after divorce. 

It may not be an affair. It could be a toxic friend. It could simply be mental or completely faithful WAW syndrome - bored and going through an identity crisis. 

Just please make sure and do your due diligence to correctly identify the problem, with no doubts.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

crb said:


> So far I have about two pages of people trying to convince me my wife cheated on me. Again I could be proven wrong but I don't think this is the case at all. I just feel she doesn't love me anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you want to know why?

Do you want to know if what you had can be re-kindled?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

TY Conrad.......The info will help him a ton. May see him here next week, sad as it is to say.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chuck71 said:


> TY Conrad.......The info will help him a ton. May see him here next week, sad as it is to say.


9 times out of 10, that's how it goes.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chuck71 said:


> TY Conrad.......The info will help him a ton. May see him here next week, sad as it is to say.


It's like if you had a troubled kid. You'd first want to rule out say drugs.

Being naive is a bad thing.

Better to consider ALL scenario's and be wrong than to blindly trust. She's basically hit him with a 2x4 across the head - so he needs to use process of elimination to assess the situation.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

I guess regardless of if she is cheating or plans to start something with someone I don't think i would take her back and I am just looking for advice on how to handle my feelings and how others get by. I don't want to just start dating right away and honestly it will take some time for me but I do feel like I just need to move forward with my life. My son and I and step daughter really have not skipped a beat since she has been gone. I just miss that someone to talk to and sleep next to at night.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

crb said:


> I guess regardless of if she is cheating or plans to start something with someone I don't think i would take her back and I am just looking for advice on how to handle my feelings and how others get by. I don't want to just start dating right away and honestly it will take some time for me but I do feel like I just need to move forward with my life. My son and I and step daughter really have not skipped a beat since she has been gone. I just miss that someone to talk to and sleep next to at night.


What kind of example do you want to set for them?


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

We've all been there and heard the same lines. 

She's cheating.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

A good example and I believe my actions of keeping the household running is a good one. On the other hand what type of example is she setting for the kids. Run away from problems when the going gets tough.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

crb said:


> A good example and I believe my actions of keeping the household running is a good one. On the other hand what type of example is she setting for the kids. Run away from problems when the going gets tough.


What about standing up for yourself?

Do you think that's important?


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Conrad said:


> What about standing up for yourself?
> 
> Do you think that's important?


How do you mean? I don't plan to take her back if that is the case and like I said I would like to move forward. Are you referring to me not wanting to date someone right away?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

crb said:


> How do you mean? I don't plan to take her back if that is the case and like I said I would like to move forward. Are you referring to me not wanting to date someone right away?


Partners should hold each other accountable.

I think your kids get the wrong message if Mom simply decides one day she's going to hook up and Dad simply shrugs his shoulders and says, "Too bad"


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## unlovedunfulfilled (Mar 18, 2013)

CRB, congratulations on being an awesome husband. For loving and caring 'in spite of'. For not walking out when you easily could have. There is nothing wrong with men having feelings and sharing them with his wife. Nothing wrong at all. Just don't let her walk all over you though. And about what that one guy said about how 'vacuuming doesn't make panties wet', I beg to differ. Just depends on the woman. But I digress. Anyway, I'm glad the kids are with you at home, as they should be, and I'm glad she didn't press that issue and make them come with her. I understand when a woman is depressed as I have been depressed before. But, for her to just up and be done with you and move out, out of the blue, that I don't understand. :-/ I'm very sorry about that, and I understand your wanting to save the marriage if at all possible and for the kids to have an intact household. She's gotta want it though. She's gotta want it, too. I couldn't possibly know what is going on in your wife's head, or why she did what she did, but from what you said, one day she may realize what a great husband she had. Then, it might be too late. You just keep being you. If you think you need improvements, work on those. Be who you are though. Don't let this destroy you. At this point, things could change, but then again, they might not. Just be ready for anything. But if what you want is to work things out and stay together, then I wish that with my whole heart for you both. I really do. And I truly hope it goes the way you want it, too.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

unlovedunfulfilled said:


> CRB, congratulations on being an awesome husband. For loving and caring 'in spite of'. For not walking out when you easily could have. There is nothing wrong with men having feelings and sharing them with his wife. Nothing wrong at all. Just don't let her walk all over you though. And about what that one guy said about how 'vacuuming doesn't make panties wet', I beg to differ. Just depends on the woman. But I digress. Anyway, I'm glad the kids are with you at home, as they should be, and I'm glad she didn't press that issue and make them come with her. I understand when a woman is depressed as I have been depressed before. But, for her to just up and be done with you and move out, out of the blue, that I don't understand. :-/ I'm very sorry about that, and I understand your wanting to save the marriage if at all possible and for the kids to have an intact household. She's gotta want it though. She's gotta want it, too. I couldn't possibly know what is going on in your wife's head, or why she did what she did, but from what you said, one day she may realize what a great husband she had. Then, it might be too late. You just keep being you. If you think you need improvements, work on those. Be who you are though. Don't let this destroy you. At this point, things could change, but then again, they might not. Just be ready for anything. But if what you want is to work things out and stay together, then I wish that with my whole heart for you both. I really do. And I truly hope it goes the way you want it, too.


Wow excellent post. I really appreciate that. I hope regardless of what happens this makes me a stronger person. I do love my wife and it is hard to say what is going to happen but as long as there was no infidelity then there is always the chance of trying to work things out even if at this time it seems hopeless.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Can someone please explain to me the difference between a divorce and a legal separation? I understand the divorce part being final but I don't really understand the legal separation. Thanks


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

crb said:


> as long as there was no infidelity.


How will you know?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

crb said:


> Can someone please explain to me the difference between a divorce and a legal separation? I understand the divorce part being final but I don't really understand the legal separation. Thanks


A Legal Separation Agreement is signed by both parties setting forth the terms of the separation regarding child custody, support, alimony (if any).

The bad news is that you are still married. The good news is that you are separated and living apart.

Why would you want one?


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Conrad said:


> How will you know?


I guess I will find out or she will eventually tell me. I told her my redline is cheating and if I find out that this is the case she better be prepared to lose everything. I will fight her for full custody of my child and I will take back everything I have given her. i.e. Car, furniture etc.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

crb said:


> I guess I will find out or she will eventually tell me. I told her my redline is cheating and if I find out that this is the case she better be prepared to lose everything. I will fight her for full custody of my child and I will take back everything I have given her. i.e. Car, furniture etc.


If she's guilty, she will lie.

If she's innocent, she will tell you she didn't.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Openminded said:


> A Legal Separation Agreement is signed by both parties setting forth the terms of the separation regarding child custody, support, alimony (if any).
> 
> The bad news is that you are still married. The good news is that you are separated and living apart.
> 
> Why would you want one?


Not sure I wanted one I just didn't understand the difference. So is a separation usually done if both parties may want to reconcile in the future. Otherwise I don't understand why someone would choose Legal separation over a divorce.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

crb said:


> I guess I will find out or she will eventually tell me. I told her my redline is cheating and if I find out that this is the case she better be prepared to lose everything. I will fight her for full custody of my child and I will take back everything I have given her. i.e. Car, furniture etc.


you made that clear... so why would she tell you?


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Conrad said:


> If she's guilty, she will lie.
> 
> If she's innocent, she will tell you she didn't.


And I have made it quite clear that she has said she didn't and it has nothing to do with someone else. When I asked her she gave me her phone and logged into email and offered to let me look at whatever I wanted. We have never had a problem with trust.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

crb said:


> And I have made it quite clear that she has said she didn't and it has nothing to do with someone else. When I asked her she gave me her phone and logged into email and offered to let me look at whatever I wanted. We have never had a problem with trust.


Isn't she the one that was deleting texts?

If she scrubs her phone, then hands it to you? You believe that?

A VAR under her car seat will tell you what you really need to know.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Isn't she the one that was deleting texts?
> 
> If she scrubs her phone, then hands it to you? You believe that?
> 
> A VAR under her car seat will tell you what you really need to know.


When she gave me her phone she didn't have time to delete texts and email because the conversation just got brought up and she didn't have time to do any of that. It was a spontaneous act.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

A legal seperation means you spend money for a seperation to make it legal and it expires after 6 months...I might be wrong, it may be less than that. To me it sounds like a waste of money. You after that can file another legal seperation or a divorce or do neither. To me it just sounds like a way to pay more money..why bother to spend all that money to make the seperation legal..I'd stick with non-legal seperation and then divorce if it comes down to that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

CantSitStill said:


> A legal seperation means you spend money for a seperation to make it legal and it expires after 6 months...I might be wrong, it may be less than that. To me it sounds like a waste of money. You after that can file another legal seperation or a divorce or do neither. To me it just sounds like a way to pay more money..why bother to spend all that money to make the seperation legal..I'd stick with non-legal seperation and then divorce if it comes down to that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's kind of what I was thinking.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

I just wish I could stop thinking about her and it(separation and possible divorce) anyone have any good tips on how to get one's mind off of this. It seems like I am constantly thinking of her and the kids and the situation we find ourselves in. I try to keep busy and keep my son busy with activities but it always creeps into my mind.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

crb said:


> I just wish I could stop thinking about her and it(separation and possible divorce) anyone have any good tips on how to get one's mind off of this. It seems like I am constantly thinking of her and the kids and the situation we find ourselves in. I try to keep busy and keep my son busy with activities but it always creeps into my mind.


Time Time and more Time


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

GutPunch said:


> Time Time and more Time


That's what I was afraid of. I guess at this point I have nothing but time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

crb said:


> Not sure I wanted one I just didn't understand the difference. So is a separation usually done if both parties may want to reconcile in the future. Otherwise I don't understand why someone would choose Legal separation over a divorce.


Sometimes for religious reasons. Sometimes for more practical reasons (like keeping a spouse who can't get insurance on the other spouse's insurance).

I am going through divorce now and I want it final and over with. No ties. So I don't really get the appeal of a legal separation. I don't know that they are that common.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

crb said:


> I just wish I could stop thinking about her and it(separation and possible divorce) anyone have any good tips on how to get one's mind off of this. It seems like I am constantly thinking of her and the kids and the situation we find ourselves in. I try to keep busy and keep my son busy with activities but it always creeps into my mind.


When it creeps into your mind, say to yourself "me, me, me, me, me." That's what I do. It refocuses my mind away from people I can't control to the one person I do control --- myself. Making my life better one minute at a time.

You *can *do this.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Sometimes for religious reasons. Sometimes for more practical reasons (like keeping a spouse who can't get insurance on the other spouse's insurance).
> 
> I am going through divorce now and I want it final and over with. No ties. So I don't really get the appeal of a legal separation. I don't know that they are that common.


That's a good point about the insurance. I have excellent insurance that covers all the kids and her too. She is currently using it to get medical help for her depression. Her work doesn't have insurance and it is something that eats at me that if we do get a divorce she will lose that and so will my step daughter who will be a freshman in college next year. My wife also does not get any paid time off and I worry that if she gets sick she will be screwed. At the very least it hurts that my son's mom could really find herself in a hole if she ever gets sick. More stress.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Openminded said:


> When it creeps into your mind, say to yourself "me, me, me, me, me." That's what I do. It refocuses my mind away from people I can't control to the one person I do control --- myself. Making my life better one minute at a time.
> 
> You *can *do this.


Good point.


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

crb said:


> Not sure I wanted one I just didn't understand the difference. So is a separation usually done if both parties may want to reconcile in the future. Otherwise I don't understand why someone would choose Legal separation over a divorce.


Usually it's not an either/or scenario. Depending on what state you're in, there may be a waiting period of up to one year before either spouse can file for divorce. Meaning you need to be separated for an entire 12 months first. During that separation, if there are things that need to be ironed out such as spousal support, child custody, child support, division of assets, etc...that's where the legal separation comes into play. It's just a placeholder until divorce can be filed.

If you have no kids, neither one of you are looking for alimony, then there's probably no reason to bother with a legal separation. You may want to read up on your state's laws regarding divorce anyway, or even get a free consultation with a lawyer just to know what rights you and your wife have.

EDIT: Sorry, just went back and read the first post and remembered that there are kids involved. As long as you're both being amicable about custody, there's likely no need to get lawyers involved or a legal separation. I still don't think it would be a bad idea to have a consultation though.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

It takes more than time though that is the big one. It takes effort too. You have to choose to think of yourself and your plans instead instead of her and "us". 

It is that effort that takes time to have effect I think. Until you choose to do that, you will do what i and many others did and sit there spinning on the spot as your thoughts chase themselves around your head.

It is ALL about you and your kids now. Any effort spent on her is effort not spent on you and them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

crb said:


> Good point.


It's a long, hard road and not one that any of us thought we would ever be traveling. But here we all are.

TAM is a great place. I wish I had found it sooner. Lots of wonderful people here.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Ok well it is different in each state. Anyway, I suggest you find a lawyer for a free consultation and ask these questions about legal seperation and ask about alimony. They don't do allimony in my state and they do have something called alienation of affection. Anyway, just do the free consultation. Don't sign anything or do anything. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is scarey and heart wrenching. Hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Also in my state you are not required seperation, you can get a dicorce within a few months.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

crb said:


> That's a good point about the insurance. I have excellent insurance that covers all the kids and her too. She is currently using it to get medical help for her depression. Her work doesn't have insurance and it is something that eats at me that if we do get a divorce she will lose that and so will my step daughter who will be a freshman in college next year. My wife also does not get any paid time off and I worry that if she gets sick she will be screwed. At the very least it hurts that my son's mom could really find herself in a hole if she ever gets sick. More stress.


Not your problem

Give defiant people what they say they want.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

I am not sure what my future holds with my wife but I know that there will be a time of reckoning and that time will probably be this summer after school is over. We haven't told our 8yr old son yet as this is really going to hurt him but I don't know if sometime this summer she is just going to surprise me with papers or if she is going to come to the conclusion that she wants to try work things out. As I have stated before I would love to try work things out but I also feel that it might just be wishful thinking. i don't want to initiate the divorce because I don't want to ruin any chances of getting back together. Its really just a hard hard situation for me.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Not your problem
> 
> Give defiant people what they say they want.


I know you are right and this is what my parents keep telling me. This is of her own doing so let her deal with the consequences. It is just difficult to do that to someone you have loved for over 10yrs. It just is difficult not to care any longer.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I think a legal separation can protect you

If you are worried about the running up of marital
Debt
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

crb said:


> I am not sure what my future holds with my wife but I know that there will be a time of reckoning and that time will probably be this summer after school is over. We haven't told our 8yr old son yet as this is really going to hurt him but I don't know if sometime this summer she is just going to surprise me with papers or if she is going to come to the conclusion that she wants to try work things out. As I have stated before I would love to try work things out but I also feel that it might just be wishful thinking. i don't want to initiate the divorce because I don't want to ruin any chances of getting back together. Its really just a hard hard situation for me.


IF she is cheating (and, yes I am strident on this point), all the waiting in the world does you no good.

The clear steps (if she is cheating) are massive exposure of the affair to shock her out of the fog. Make it as difficult as possible for her and posOM to fantasize about their wonderful future with no current issues.

If she then decides to continue with posOM, then papers are the next item on your agenda.

ESPECIALLY if posOM turns tail and she seeks out posOM#2

Then there is no hope.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Conrad said:


> IF she is cheating (and, yes I am strident on this point), all the waiting in the world does you no good.
> 
> The clear steps (if she is cheating) are massive exposure of the affair to shock her out of the fog. Make it as difficult as possible for her and posOM to fantasize about their wonderful future with no current issues.
> 
> ...


And I agree with that.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

My wife has been in no rush to look at Divorce despite saying she is done forever. Some of our plans have changed that means there is no reason for us to wait years to D anymore (long story).

So despite this being the last thing i want, I made a point of saying now you can consider filing for divorce when you are ready and have the money. I would not want to file for or pay for something i do not want but if she files I will not contest it so long as she is fair about the boys. I won't be 'separated' for any longer than I can possibly manage. We either reconcile (not going to happen) or we do this properly and get D out of the way.

So many WS and walk aways "want it" but fail to live in the reality of actually doing it. Nothing wrong with reminding them of what they have chosen. I locked myself in limbo for ages and am only just clawing my way out now. She has made her choice, the only person that could unmake it is her. In the meantime, let her live in reality.

It is harder to do than say i know.

If she is going to file, it shouldn't be a surprise. If she says there is no chance of working on things, believe her. If she is leaving the door open, find out why. If she is having doubts that's ok but if she just wants plan B that's not. listen to these guys, they have heard so many come in with oh no cheating here lines. So much so I became convinced mine must have been and went digging. Rule it out for your own peace of mind if you are so sure.

The only thing that hurts more than finding you were deceived by them, is finding you were deceived by yourself.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

crb said:


> And I agree with that.


I would encourage you to be certain on this point.

It's too important for guessing/hoping.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Shoot my dday was on Friday and I was at the lawyers
on Monday. That was six months ago and I'm still married.
Sort of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Openminded said:


> When it creeps into your mind, say to yourself "me, me, me, me, me." That's what I do. It refocuses my mind away from people I can't control to the one person I do control --- myself. Making my life better one minute at a time.
> 
> You *can *do this.


This actually does seem to work for me. When I start thinking about it I just say me, me, me. Surprising it does help.
Thanks!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

crb said:


> This actually does seem to work for me. When I start thinking about it I just say me, me, me. Surprising it does help.
> Thanks!


Smiling. Glad I could help. It worked for me and so I try to pass it along whenever I can. It's a tough thing to deal with. I know from experience.

Also --- deep, cleansing breaths seem to help as well.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

CRB-My DDay was in November. I dropped the D. Filed 11/30....final 2/1. Want to know what solidified my reasoning for leaving? Walking out on me. Was there cheating? I honestly do not know....and never asked. That is secondary to walking out. But...both are deal breakers for me. Therefore the cheating possibility took a back seat. I left one non-negotiable of MC to have any chance. In MC I would have uncovered if there was cheating or not. I collected data during the time in question and had it laid out to draw a definite conclusion. It was not needed. She never responded to the non-neg. So I turned away.

Since DDay I have not called her one time. We have no children, so why should I? I am bombarded with emails from her. We still have a few financial matters both of us are tied to. Strictly business on my part. She continues to reach. What does Chuck's future hold with her? If I can not trust you, I danm sure can not love you. Case closed. Next chapter.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

You know what really sucks is coming home to an empty house and pulling out some leftovers out of the fridge and sitting down all by myself at the table eating dinner. It used to be the exact opposite, kids playing, wife preparing dinner or going to pick it up all sitting down at the table. It's amazing how your life can change in an instant.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Yes, that sudden change is horrible. 

Now you have some free time to dive into a new (or old) hobby, cook and eat whatever you want, sprawl out on the bed, have some friends over, watch what you want to watch, etc. 

Do some things for you. Your interests. Your passions. This will help.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

zillard said:


> Yes, that sudden change is horrible.
> 
> Now you have some free time to dive into a new (or old) hobby, cook and eat whatever you want, sprawl out on the bed, have some friends over, watch what you want to watch, etc.
> 
> Do some things for you. Your interests. Your passions. This will help.


yes I believe those things will help. I don't want to sulk and feel sorry for myself but it sure is easy to do in this situation. My wife has my son for a bit this evening so it just seems especially quite in the house.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

I did see in another post some referred to their wife who left as a Runaway Housewife. I think that is the term they used and I thought what a good name. My runaway housewife is going to be the housewife who is left behind.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

crb said:


> You know what really sucks is coming home to an empty house and pulling out some leftovers out of the fridge and sitting down all by myself at the table eating dinner. It used to be the exact opposite, kids playing, wife preparing dinner or going to pick it up all sitting down at the table. It's amazing how your life can change in an instant.


I ate ramen noodles and a can of tuna fish for supper last night


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

GutPunch said:


> I ate ramen noodles and a can of tuna fish for supper last night


OMG that is funny because last week when I went grocery shopping I stocked up on Ramen Noodles and tuna. I hadn't eaten that since I was out of high school and going through college. Oh and hamburger helper.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

crb said:


> OMG that is funny because last week when I went grocery shopping I stocked up on Ramen Noodles and tuna. I hadn't eaten that since I was out of high school and going through college. Oh and hamburger helper.


I forgot the banana


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I like being able to set the thermostat where I damn well please


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

LOL old timer.....same here!

Beef-roni out of the can....ESPN at 2AM

no freaking tampon boxes

no warpint in bathroom

toilet seat just the way i like it

Aerosmith basting after midnight

almost caught myself asking...any homework for class tomorrow?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> LOL old timer.....same here!
> 
> Beef-roni out of the can....ESPN at 2AM
> 
> ...



No Beef-a-Roni for me. I'm eating healthier than I have in 25 years. Working out, feeling great, looking pretty doggone good too - if I do say so.

We had separate bathrooms, so war paint and tampons weren't a problem. 

The toilet seat: well, that's a different story. I was taught from an early age to put the seat back down as a courtesy to the ladies. However - practical experience speaking - have you ever plopped down on the toilet, half asleep in the middle of the night, and ended up sitting in some very cold water? It's hard going back to sleep after that.

Loud music anytime I please is a def plus - though I prefer Rolling Stones, Led Zep, Skynard, etc. Of course, I obviously don't mind toning down the tunes to match the mood. Which brings me to what I really like about being single.

What I really like? Getting laid several times a week. Great stress reliever, along with releasing some feel-good oxytocin and boosting my immune system (also another good reason for putting the toilet seat back down).

_edit to add:_ Sorry for the threadjack, I just got carried away


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Going to the WCHA final five this weekend for college hockey. A trip my wife and I and the kids use to take and now she is not with us. Feeling pretty sad today. I do enjoy all that was listed above but I still miss my wife greatly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

When is it a good time to just file for divorce. I want to wait until school is out for our son so he doesn't have a horrible last few months and his school work suffers. My wife appears to not want to work things out and i just want this nightmare to end. It hasn't even been a month yet since my wife turned my world upside down but I am curious what others think especially a women's opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

crb said:


> When is it a good time to just file for divorce. I want to wait until school is out for our son so he doesn't have a horrible last few months and his school work suffers. My wife appears to not want to work things out and i just want this nightmare to end. It hasn't even been a month yet since my wife turned my world upside down but I am curious what others think especially a women's opinion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The truth is that there is never a _good _time. Some times are better than others. Waiting until school is out is a good idea. Grades do tend to suffer for awhile (sometimes a long while) in divorce. And it takes awhile for children to come to terms with the idea that Mom and Dad have separate households, etc. 

I know you aren't ready for this yet but when you are don't introduce someone new into your son's life until you have been dating them at least six months. Many people do that too quickly.

I don't mean to discourage you in this but I look at it from a very practical point of view. It's hard. No doubt about it. But it's necessary.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Openminded said:


> The truth is that there is never a _good _time. Some times are better than others. Waiting until school is out is a good idea. Grades do tend to suffer for awhile (sometimes a long while) in divorce. And it takes awhile for children to come to terms with the idea that Mom and Dad have separate households, etc.
> 
> I know you aren't ready for this yet but when you are don't introduce someone new into your son's life until you have been dating them at least six months. Many people do that too quickly.
> 
> I don't mean to discourage you in this but I look at it from a very practical point of view. It's hard. No doubt about it. But it's necessary.


You are correct in that there is no good time. Do I benefit from waiting it out as long as possible and either wait to see if any reconciliation or until she files?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

crb said:


> You are correct in that there is no good time. Do I benefit from waiting it out as long as possible and either wait to see if any reconciliation or until she files?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would think it's better to do it soon after school is over (I'm guessing June) so your son has the summer to try to settle into a new routine. But it's never easy no matter how you do it.

I filed because I wanted to be the one to control the process. I didn't like the idea of my STBXH doing that.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

crb said:


> Do I benefit from waiting it out as long as possible and either wait to see if any reconciliation or until she files?


That depends on your emotional threshold.


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## crb (Mar 18, 2013)

Just an update it has been a week or so since my last post. I am filing for divorce and the disrespect of me and my marriage will end. My wife will be surprised when she gets the papers but enough is enough. Also for those of you who kept saying she cheated she did not.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I think most said there was a strong possibility, including me. Now that you have filed....sit back and observe.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

crb said:


> Just an update it has been a week or so since my last post. I am filing for divorce and the disrespect of me and my marriage will end. My wife will be surprised when she gets the papers but enough is enough. Also for those of you who kept saying she cheated she did not.


Did you investigate?


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