# Masturbation dilemma



## PAmale (Sep 30, 2012)

So my wife and I have different sexual demands at the moment. We are very open with sex and due to my Testosterone replacement therapy my sexual appetite has been quite high. To satisfy my urges I started to masturbate in bed while we watched tv and eventually we both fell asleep. My wife is completely fine with my open masturbation in be but my question/ concern is that she seems to have gotten very used to this and tends to use this as a replacement for sex. 

I didn't mind at first because it allows me to release my sexual tension but now it is like normal course of business and I really desire my wife but she just subtly suggests masturbation. Sometimes by the time I reach climax she is already sleeping and it becomes a huge let down. She at least used to watch me which was the little bit of connection I needed. The only rule is that I can't shoot on her - this just gets her annoyed once she has settled into bed. So I am very careful to control myself.

I don't want to complain but I know many men can't even do this with their wives and at least I have this option. So I don't want complain and then it become such a sore subject that I stop even doing it.

Thoughts?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Uhhh... if she is suggesting that you masturbate rather than have sex, I would see this as a BIG problem. How often are you still having sex? If masturbation is becoming a replacement (and I get that your preference is sex w/ wife), then you need to sit down and have a chat about it. You don't want to complain, and it become a sore subject...but for you, it already IS becoming a sore subject, based on what you just posted. Talk about this with her before things get worse.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's time to complain.


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## PAmale (Sep 30, 2012)

Just to clarify my position - we do have sex maybe 1-2 days week and this allows me to fill in the gap between. Yes I would want more but maybe this is just a good compromise and I am just asking for too much. And since we are open enough that I can just masturbate with her instead of sitting in a bathroom or the shower like mist guys that need to hide this, I kinda feel like she is work g with me. So I don't want to complain just to "get more" though I don't want this to become and easy way out. And if you have read my other posts, I am probably the jack rabbit right now given the HRT I am on so is it really fair to ask her to ramp up to my level? To me this is not an easy answer to just complain.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

That's all fine and good but she's falling asleep on you. The least she can do is stay awake and watch.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Would she join you in mutual masturbation as she clearly has no problem with you doing it. It is something my partner and I have done and I would do it often given the chance. To me it is so intimate because it is something that many people hide from the other but to do it together is mindblowing. I want him to "shoot" on me, feels great.

The difference is that we do it when we have already had sex earlier that night so it isn't a replacement but the closeness felt afterwards is the same as sex.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sorry, I had to say it. Here's the solution.

Get some rubber sheets! Hee Hee


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I would try not masturbating in front of your wife - even if she says she's OK with it. I might be on my own here, but I would find it a bit of a turn off if my partner masturbated in front of me, and perhaps on some level it is having the same effect on her.

I'm not suggesting that you stop masturbating, but rather try not do it in front of her.


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## PAmale (Sep 30, 2012)

From our history together I know she likes that I am open with her and she does like that I am comfortable to masturbate in front of her. I think this has just become and easy way to satisfy both of us after a long hard day - no pun intended. I just want to make sure we keep the balance. As I get older and wi my HRT I find I am like a high school student again and I think she is just getting too complacent.

And to answer the question of intimacy - I agree completely. We used to mutually M together but that also has lessened over time. Occasionally she will still jump in and take over with a HJ and I wish that was so much more often but unfortunately it is less and less.

I feel like I am just getting into my sexual maturity time and my wife has past it. Somehow I need to resynch us.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I think an open discussion might be a good idea, OP. Your W could benefit greatly from having an H who feels like a high school student again, and it would be great if you could get her involved!


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

I just can't imagine this, what a situation, there is a serious issue here and it is pretty obvious, you do need to talk with your wife but i doubt things will change.

How does this make you feel?

I couldn't be next to my SO if he did that and not get involved, it is called sexual desire and your wife sleeps when you do this.

I think you should take masturbation private, for your own self respect.

And for the record sex doesn't have to take long, it is just as easy, what is going on is cold sterile.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I hear you on the test giving you the sex drive of an 18-year old. I can't go a day without sex or jerking off. A good problem to have, IMO. 

What I have done to get through the days in between sex (we're usually once, maybe twice a week, which is great considering we were once or twice a month for the longest time) is to have her help me masturbate (play with the balls, use a vibrator on me, etc.) and I try to reciprocate by using the Rabbit on her. 

Sometimes she's into it and other times she'll just tell me to worry about myself. 

I have also spanked it in bed whie she was asleep and she's told me before that she doesn't care what I do as long as I don't wake her up. So I have taken some liberties to use different parts of her body (I have a foot fetish) for those late night 'snacks.' 

It's kind of a turn-on in some ways doing that and we both the what we wanted. You have to take what is offered, especially if you're getting laid once or more than once a week.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I agree you need to get her on board with your increased sex drive.

Also, I suspect that the TRT might be an issue. You need to explain to her that 1-2x per week is not much. The apparent reason that you were satisfied earlier is that your test. levels were low - so low, in fact, that your Dr. put you on TRT.

Low T seems to be a serious health condition (from what I've read). You need to make her understand that this is the drive for a healthy you and that this is not some drug-fueled bender (and that it's likely to be a lasting change).

So, bottom line, she shouldn't criticize you for a drive that reflects a healthy you. She needs to be willing to reset the baseline for your sexual relationship from you at this point.


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## jacksparow1964 (Sep 28, 2012)

i just can say welcome to club :smthumbup: ,,,,this is much better than cheating on your wife it is a little complicated and ignoring it is fine to go with  sexual drive varies between people , masturbation is the common thing wether we feel comfortable with it or not,,, wife understand me and give to me after getting her orgasm (one or two ...more) love her when she gets closer look at it or even if sleeping diversity is the name of the game 26 years married and happy like teens love shall guide us to optimum pleasure peak , my friend feel good about it and avoid cheating because it destroys love , lots will disagree  and lots will agree :awink:,finally it is our life we enjoy it our own way


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## PAmale (Sep 30, 2012)

I could not agree more. I am on is for life and we will need to find a balance that works for both of us. Don't know what the average is of a 40 year old but this has now become a daily need and I struggle to not deal with the urge on a daily basis. The good news is that she is open to options- I just want her to be a part of my daily routine. I don't like just getting off on my own though this is part if my current routine just to keep the balance.


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## PAmale (Sep 30, 2012)

Cheating is definitely not part of the equation. I keep it in my pants until I get home then anything goes. The good news is that we both are very comfortable with sex and everything that goes with it. I have no issue just stroking while she is watching tv - I just want her more involved. I would say that early on it was a novelty to even have wood as much as I did and I enjoyed showing it off to my wife but she seems to have gotten used to it- too quickly! I just aways thought that when a woman saw a man with a raging hard on that it always triggered the - lets get it on thoughts but I can walk around in the morning with my wood right in front of her and it is like nothing is different with me- amazing but inside I am saying pleas play with me please.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

cloudwithleggs said:


> I just can't imagine this, what a situation, there is a serious issue here and it is pretty obvious, you do need to talk with your wife but i doubt things will change.
> 
> How does this make you feel?
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## jacksparow1964 (Sep 28, 2012)

:angel3:


PAmale said:


> I just want her more involved. I would say that early on it was a novelty to even have wood as much as I did and I enjoyed showing it off to my wife but she seems to have gotten used to it- too quickly! I just aways thought that when a woman saw a man with a raging hard on that it always triggered the - lets get it on thoughts but I can walk around in the morning with my wood right in front of her and it is like nothing is different with me- amazing but inside I am saying pleas play with me please.


women are women,,,, i think they are mostly not into porn or masturbation and other boys stuff , because of their passionate sweet hearts, they love to please us by occasionally get into our games (love her a lot she is my twin soul) :angel3:


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

PAmale said:


> wife but she seems to have gotten used to it- too quickly! I just aways thought that when a woman saw a man with a raging hard on that it always triggered the - lets get it on thoughts but I can walk around in the morning with my wood right in front of her and it is like nothing is different with me- amazing but inside I am saying pleas play with me please.


why would it be anything exciting when most nights she has you masturbating right next to her? I think you should at least take some of your masturbation sessions elsewhere. It's becoming old for her and is likely to affect her desire. 

I do want to add though that I feel for you and your situation. I find it sad that you are there obviously wanting the attention of your wife, and she is pretty much ignoring you.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

PAmale said:


> I didn't mind at first because it allows me to release my sexual tension but now it is like normal course of business and I really desire my wife but she just subtly suggests masturbation. Sometimes by the time I reach climax she is already sleeping and it becomes a huge let down. She at least used to watch me which was the little bit of connection I needed. The only rule is that I can't shoot on her - this just gets her annoyed once she has settled into bed. So I am very careful to control myself.
> 
> I don't want to complain but I know many men can't even do this with their wives and at least I have this option. So I don't want complain and then it become such a sore subject that I stop even doing it.
> 
> Thoughts?



In general my wife and I don't have any major rejection/low drive issues.

But she was going through a period, a few months back, where she was having some self esteem issues and was backing away from sex more often. My wife knows, under no uncertain terms, that I am NOT the kinda of man who is going to be spending months, and years, begging for sex from her, or anyone. We were still having sex, but it wasn't up to the frequency that we were accustomed to. I finally had a long talk with her, and in the midst of hashing out the root issues she made a comment about how, because I am HD and masturbate, I am still being taken care of, and implied that I didn't even need her as often.

That was a OH HELL NO moment. That sounded very, very unlike her, and so I knew some wires had been crossed, and that she was going through something. I set my baby straight right then and there. I told her to NEVER get it twisted again that masturbation is something that she is in competition with, and to never, ever assume that no matter how much I do, or do not, jerk off, that it means that she can back off sex and just let me self satisfy. I refused to end that conversation until she got it through her head that we were NOT traveling down this path that so many other couples do.

She got it by the end of the conversation, trust me. We also got to the root of why she was beginning to take this scape goat road out. She just was feeling really bad about not getting some of the weight she's gained over the years off fast enough, and was just going through an "I'm so fat" period. She had deluded herself into thinking that because I can get off, and get off frequently, alone, it was a nice consolation while she wallowed in her issues and got more comfortable withdrawing from sex. That was quickly nipped in the proverbial bud, and we're back on track.

Do NOT let your wife, or any woman, get away with thinking that your hand is an adequate substitute for making love with them. You need to let her know, and as boldy as possible, that your masturbation time does not, on any level, at any time, relieve her of her marital duties as your lover, spouse, and hopefully soulmate. One should have nothing to do with the other.


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## PAmale (Sep 30, 2012)

All great points and I do know that this is part of what is going on. She feels "too fat" and at least I can shoot my load without any restriction and she can keep denying herself the fun. Very similar issue.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I don't know. Masturbation is a private thing. Even if she know you masturbate, there is something fundamentally wrong with doing it in front of her.


Whether it's a "private thing" or not depends on the person, and the couple. There is nothing "fundamentally wrong" with this man jacking off in front of his wife if that's something they're both perfectly comfortable with. In his case it might be a hinderance in that he's doing it so much, and it might be taking some of the mystique and allure away from the action for his wife, which could be normalizing the erotic. But if he stops it should not be because he feels shameful about sharing this act. I think there is a problem when the default response is to tell someone to "keep it to themselves" in their own marriage. As someone who can, and does, masturbate in front of their spouse with no problem I will tell you that there is absolutely nothing "fundamentally wrong" with doing this in front of your lover. It drives my wife crazy when I do share, and the same when she does. Nothing sexual that happens between a husband and a wife, that is consensual, is "fundamentally wrong". That concept should never even enter into the marriage bed.


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## PAmale (Sep 30, 2012)

I agree with those comments completely. Shooting my load in front of my wife was always something that she enjoyed and their was something erotic about her watching me go through the climax experience with her. It is just that I don't want this to replace sex or other intimacy options. I also want to be clear that it does not need to just be sex - we have always been open to many other erotic options but lately we seem to be in a down swing and it's with my hormone levels raging it is almost cruel punishment to me.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I don't know. Masturbation is a private thing. Even if she know you masturbate, there is something fundamentally wrong with doing it in front of her.


Thundarr - I LOVE watching my husband masturbate and it is a HUGE turn on for me. I would hate for him to go private on this.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

PAmale said:


> I agree with those comments completely. Shooting my load in front of my wife was always something that she enjoyed and their was something erotic about her watching me go through the climax experience with her. It is just that I don't want this to replace sex or other intimacy options. I also want to be clear that it does not need to just be sex - we have always been open to many other erotic options but lately we seem to be in a down swing and it's with my hormone levels raging it is almost cruel punishment to me.


When you're lying there, and she's just watching, do you actually try to physically engage her? If so, does she just push you away?


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

PAmale said:


> Cheating is definitely not part of the equation. I keep it in my pants until I get home then anything goes. The good news is that we both are very comfortable with sex and everything that goes with it. I have no issue just stroking while she is watching tv - I just want her more involved. I would say that early on it was a novelty to even have wood as much as I did and I enjoyed showing it off to my wife but she seems to have gotten used to it- too quickly! I just aways thought that when a woman saw a man with a raging hard on that it always triggered the - lets get it on thoughts but I can walk around in the morning with my wood right in front of her and it is like nothing is different with me- amazing but inside I am saying pleas play with me please.


This always puzzles me, as well. I constantly get hard-ons and she it to my wife, hoping that it will get her in the mood. And even when I jerk off in front if her with her help, there are more times when she doesn't get horny and just let's me finish. Once in a while that leads to something else where we both cum. 

I even say to her that if she started flashing a damp pair of panties and hard nipples to me, I could be undressed in the blink of an eye. There would be no hesitation or doubt. 

Picture a guy pushing his wife away while she grinds herself on his leg? Never in a million years, but probably a nightly occurrence in many marriages the other way.


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## PAmale (Sep 30, 2012)

It is the irony of life. I probably am thinking about sex every 5 min or more when at home with my wife. I am in pretty good physical shape and typically walk around the house at night in my boxer briefs so it is pretty clear that I am always in a slight state of arousal. If I saw my wife with wet panties while lying on the couch I would be all over her. But it just does not phase her. This is the dilemma I keep going back to. I can certainly push the issue and typically she will oblige but I don't want to have to go this route. It is a bigger turn on I'd she responds to my physical reactions - probably why guys where given a signal between our legs. How much easier can it get.

In a perfect world I would want to cum 3-4 times a day and even if my wife participated in 1 of those per day I would be happy. During the other times I wish she would acknowledge my Hard on and just say - honey why don't you rub one out in front of me to take care if your wood. This is all I would need. Just a little acknowledgement of my penis from time to time.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

It is great that you have found a solution. 

While there are times i like the "sharing/intamacy thing i prefer to be alone" i also wonder as others have said that it could eventually get old for her. 

For me masturbation, since it involves looking at naked women a chance for fantasy. Still love my wife but, gives me a little "variety" 

Everyone is different.


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## PAmale (Sep 30, 2012)

There is always time for that also. I typically like to rub it out when my wife is out of the house for a while. I agree a guy sometimes just needs to be alone and go back to the days when we did it in the secrecy of our bedroom after school!


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Uhhh... *if she is suggesting that you masturbate rather than have sex, I would see this as a BIG problem.* How often are you still having sex? If masturbation is becoming a replacement (and I get that your preference is sex w/ wife), then you need to sit down and have a chat about it. You don't want to complain, and it become a sore subject...but for you, it already IS becoming a sore subject, based on what you just posted. Talk about this with her before things get worse.


Hi Maricha
Why is the part in bold a BIG problem, I don't understand?
Thanks.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

It's a big problem because she sees/will see masturbation as an acceptable replacement for sex with her. Eventually it will be "well, why can't you just masturbate tonight?" night after night.


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## PAmale (Sep 30, 2012)

I do agree with Chris. This is in essence my fear. We do have a semi normal sex life and agreed to try different things but on a normal night when I am aroused and she is just tired it just becomes what Chris said, just rub one out and all is good. All is not good because I want her to participate. I don't even mind rubbing one out frequently but need stimulation for her. I think 40isthenew20 said even if she rubbed my balls or helped get me aroused in other ways then I would feel like we were both together. It has gotten to the point where I get a cum rag as I get ready for bed because I know this is where it is going to lead to. All the topics that discuss SO giving bjs and such- I just wish I had a better alternative then to have to rub it out on my own and then have to clean my own cum off my chest. Just wish she was more interested more of the time. Because when we do have as or do Other things it is quite good. From a man's perspective why would you not want to do a good thing every night?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

But PAmale, does she let you rub one out while fondling her? Sucking her breasts? Finish on her? Does she ever do anything like dance, or at least look sexy?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

PAmale said:


> I do agree with Chris. This is in essence my fear. We do have a semi normal sex life and agreed to try different things but on a normal night when I am aroused and she is just tired it just becomes what Chris said, just rub one out and all is good. All is not good because I want her to participate. I don't even mind rubbing one out frequently but need stimulation for her. I think 40isthenew20 said even if she rubbed my balls or helped get me aroused in other ways then I would feel like we were both together. It has gotten to the point where I get a cum rag as I get ready for bed because I know this is where it is going to lead to. All the topics that discuss SO giving bjs and such- I just wish I had a better alternative then to have to rub it out on my own and then have to clean my own cum off my chest. Just wish she was more interested more of the time. Because when we do have as or do Other things it is quite good. From a man's perspective why would you not want to do a good thing every night?


I would print this out and show it to her. I almost had tears reading it, you wife needs to hear, I mean really hear what you are saying.
You want to be close to her, you need her, maybe she doesn't understand the depth of just how much you need her.


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