# So cold.



## CaringKind (Jan 12, 2016)

The coldness is unbelievable. I can't understand how he can just switch off and change his tune so fast and I am left suffering and hurting. I know I'm letting this happen to myself. 

On the day he finished with me last, one of my close friends were diagnosed with terminal cancer, he was there when she told me. And she has passed away since, only 3 days ago. Her husband loved her completely and was amazing with her until the very end. She leaves behind a 12 and 18 year old. Her husband doesn't get anymore chances, he has no choice but to move on and accept that she is gone. 

Then there's me who's had an ******* for a husband who has treated me so badly over the years. I need to keep telling myself that he is dead to me until I believe it. How can someone U have spent/lived more than half your life with just switch off, like I never meant a thing?! 

I'm going to try and get some bereavement counselling. The loss I feel right now is so intense and I just can't shake it. I know I'll get better but right now, my heart is broken. 

CK

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## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

CaringKind said:


> The coldness is unbelievable. I can't understand how he can just switch off and change his tune so fast and I am left suffering and hurting. I know I'm letting this happen to myself.
> 
> On the day he finished with me last, one of my close friends were diagnosed with terminal cancer, he was there when she told me. And she has passed away since, only 3 days ago. Her husband loved her completely and was amazing with her until the very end. She leaves behind a 12 and 18 year old. Her husband doesn't get anymore chances, he has no choice but to move on and accept that she is gone.
> 
> ...


Definitely get some counseling and speak to supportive family and friends.

You can't turn it off because you are a good person and will need to grieve the loss of who you thought you had married. There is something wrong with him if he can turn it off so quickly. Your reaction is more normal.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I can relate to this... my wife is behaving like I never existed now and it hurts a lot. I know she wanted out and she is miles ahead in terms of detaching, but hey 33 years count for nothing? But of course I am to blame for not accepting a sexless marriage. I feel I've been rejected as a human being and it's my fault...


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## CaringKind (Jan 12, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> I can relate to this... my wife is behaving like I never existed now and it hurts a lot. I know she wanted out and she is miles ahead in terms of detaching, but hey 33 years count for nothing? But of course I am to blame for not accepting a sexless marriage. I feel I've been rejected as a human being and it's my fault...


He just changes like the flick of a switch. He goes from loving and then in the blink of an eye, he makes me feel invisible, like I never existed. Just WOW.

I went all out at them. I don't care how crazy I was, the 2 of them deserved it. He'll be angry at that coz I told her a few home truths and he wouldn't like that. And I made sure enough if the people around me knows what jas happened again. Makes himself out to be a great guy and everybody really likes him. 

I'm so so sick of feeling loss. This has got to have been 1 of the worst years of my life. I can't pin point to what is hurting the most, my head is full of it.

I do have good things in my life too though. My new living conditions are great, I kept my job, that I love, even though I was homeless. I'm going to hike my 1st munro planned for next week, depending on funeral arrangements for my friend. 

It'll get better.

CK

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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CaringKind said:


> I do have good things in my life too though. My new living conditions are great, I kept my job, that I love, even though I was homeless. I'm going to hike my 1st munro planned for next week, depending on funeral arrangements for my friend.
> 
> It'll get better.
> 
> CK


You are slightly ahead of me. But I will get there too. Pleased to see you are progressing.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You are grieving, depressed. Please do seek counseling. Do you have someone close to support you?

Do not compare your life to others. You do not know their truths. All humans need love. Men need appreciation and women, especially, need relationship and connection.

Do some reading about narcissists and see if anything applies. Work on yourself to be a whole person, not dependent on someone else for your value.

Hugs...


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## Smithy (Mar 14, 2019)

sunsetmist said:


> You are grieving, depressed. Please do seek counseling. Do you have someone close to support you?


This.

I wish i'd spoken to people earlier, opened up to friends, family or sought counselling a lot sooner than i did. Although times are tough still, i'd be so much worse off if i hadn't been seeing a counsellor, please speak to someone to help you get through this.

Hang in there


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## CaringKind (Jan 12, 2016)

My daughter came and told me that she was at OW house and told her she ignored him and that they weren't talking. When he told me they were talking and her texts would die down. He said to my daughter that I was being paranoid when I asked to see the texts between them after he said it was just banter. So there-for its my fault he finished it with me, AGAIN. Then the little doubts atart in my head, maybe I was just paranoid and that it is my fault. Just wow! 

I'll be glad when I stop giving him my headspace, it's driving me crazy. I jump from my husband to my brother to my friend. I called a few counselling places, had a short 1 2 1 and she advised long-term counselling as there has been many traumatic events from a young age. The waiting list is around 6 months. I have the doc's tomorrow, I've lost 7 lb in 8 days and I'm getting lots of palpitations. I've suffered from anxiety for years and have been on and off anti depressants for years. 

My flatmate is great, very supportive and positive, she speaks sense. I also have another good friend that I went to see yesterday and just cried and cried who has been through everything with me. I knew her before I reconnected with him. She reminded me that he's never been good for me.

I am able to go on my hike, I'm so glad of this. It's my 1st munro and I'm so looking forward to it. The amazing scenery, the fresh air and the tranquillity. Spent quite a lot on proper walking gear but it will last me forever so money spent well. 

Also going to make an effort to cut down on the drinking. Good thing is, I don't go to the bar as I used to. I was to enjoy getting the house to myself but right now, feel that I need the company right now. 

I know I'll get better and that it'll take time but right now, uuugh..

CK.

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## Sukisue1234 (Jan 17, 2018)

Sounds like narcissism at its finest hour, you need to read everything you can on that subject. Google it, you will learn alot like I did.🤗


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think both of you guys don't get it yet. You were married to *******s. When the synapses in your brain start to re-wire I think you will feel a lot better. You have to look at like you were in a car accident or something, it takes time to detox. 

The best thing you can do is stop romanticizing these people. You need to discipline your mind, which means when you miss the "good times" remind yourself that they were not so good. Force yourself to think realistically about the person. Continue to correct the stories your brain is telling you. "No that is not what it was like, it was like this." Yes have a running conversation with yourself. 

You need to re-wire your brain.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

CaringKind said:


> The coldness is unbelievable. I can't understand how he can just switch off and change his tune so fast and I am left suffering and hurting. I know I'm letting this happen to myself.
> 
> On the day he finished with me last, one of my close friends were diagnosed with terminal cancer, he was there when she told me. And she has passed away since, only 3 days ago. Her husband loved her completely and was amazing with her until the very end. She leaves behind a 12 and 18 year old. Her husband doesn't get anymore chances, he has no choice but to move on and accept that she is gone.
> 
> ...


Ok, I was going to say he is a narcissist, hence the coldness but then I did a bit of background reading and it appears you have a drinking problem. Are you an alcoholic? Are you getting any help AA etc? I live with a functioning alcoholic for over 25 years and to tell you the truth there are many times I have wanted to dump him, make his suffer the way he made me suffer. Alcoholics don't see the damage they do to their families, they are drunk but forget that the spouse is stone cold sober putting up with all the verbal, mental, emotional assaults. Years of that type of abuse takes its toll and a person has a limit. At the moment I am barely speaking to my AH cause he fell off the wagon again just recently. At this point of time, if he dropped down dead, I would probably just be relieved........ would you consider me cold? 
Instead of blaming him for his coldness, his cheating, whatever, what have you done to take care of your side of the road? I dont know your full story so maybe I am jumping the gun, but marriage is difficult without have alcoholism in the mix, living with a problem drinker is no fun and is total grounds to leave them imo.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

CaringKind said:


> The coldness is unbelievable. I can't understand how he can just switch off and change his tune so fast and I am left suffering and hurting. I know I'm letting this happen to myself.
> 
> On the day he finished with me last, one of my close friends were diagnosed with terminal cancer, he was there when she told me. And she has passed away since, only 3 days ago. Her husband loved her completely and was amazing with her until the very end. She leaves behind a 12 and 18 year old. Her husband doesn't get anymore chances, he has no choice but to move on and accept that she is gone.
> 
> ...


*You really need to get a little bereavement counseling from a good piranha family lawyer! Do make an effort to protect your legal and property rights!

Sounds greatly like the narcissistic bastard may be involved elsewhere!*


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## CaringKind (Jan 12, 2016)

aine said:


> Ok, I was going to say he is a narcissist, hence the coldness but then I did a bit of background reading and it appears you have a drinking problem. Are you an alcoholic? Are you getting any help AA etc? I live with a functioning alcoholic for over 25 years and to tell you the truth there are many times I have wanted to dump him, make his suffer the way he made me suffer. Alcoholics don't see the damage they do to their families, they are drunk but forget that the spouse is stone cold sober putting up with all the verbal, mental, emotional assaults. Years of that type of abuse takes its toll and a person has a limit. At the moment I am barely speaking to my AH cause he fell off the wagon again just recently. At this point of time, if he dropped down dead, I would probably just be relieved........ would you consider me cold?
> 
> Instead of blaming him for his coldness, his cheating, whatever, what have you done to take care of your side of the road? I dont know your full story so maybe I am jumping the gun, but marriage is difficult without have alcoholism in the mix, living with a problem drinker is no fun and is total grounds to leave them imo.


Hi Aine

When we first got together 21 years, I did not drink, well, very rarely. He had drank all through-out our relationship and every night. 

13 years ago was dd #1, he had his first affair, pfft, I don't even know when it started or if it, really ended, and then 6/7 years ago, AP #2 started to work there. That's when it started going wrong, he was moody, barely wanted intimacy and I was trying to get to bottom of it. He is passive aggressive, he never talked to me about any of our issues. He couldn't be bothered with it, just wanted to ignore everything and wanted me to do the same. I was asking him to let me see the texts from his suppossed X, AP #2 as he was supposed to be finished with her and getting back to me and that's when he finished it with me, again. 

I'm a fixer, if I see something wrong, I try to fix it, especially in myself. I started drinking more around the time she started. He started being distant and didn't want intimacy. I'm lucky if we had sex 10 x a year. He told me he didn't start seeing her until we separated 6 weeks after but he failed to tell me they were good friends at work in case I thought he was having an affair. 

I believe I knew subconsciously that he was up to it again but I thought it was AP #1 as she still works there. I drank out of frustration. I'm not blaming him for me drinking but it was how I coped. I see when I am drinking too much and I know when I need to take a break. 

Just weeks ago, I joined a walking group and went on a weekend trip up in the highlands and I had a really good think about things. I came home with a clearer head and have decided that enough is enough and I'm moving on from him. I feel loads better. 

I've had probably 1 of the worst years of my life, losing my husband (even although he was never really there for me), my home, my pets, my kids having to leave home, my brother passing and my friend passing only 3 weeks ago.

I am down to drinking a few beers once or twice a week. I have a very physical and mentally trying job which I love which is very important to me. I've got a new place to stay and I feel like it's home, I love it. I have a great relationship with my kids and I don't drink anywhere near what I did. 

I'm moving forward and leaving him behind to live a life with his AP. He can't hirt me anymore. I am getting better every day. Life is moving forward and I'm feeling loads better. 

CK.

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## CaringKind (Jan 12, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *You really need to get a little bereavement counseling from a good piranha family lawyer! Do make an effort to protect your legal and property rights!
> 
> Sounds greatly like the narcissistic bastard may be involved elsewhere!*


Honestly, I don't want to fight anymore. I want to cut my losses now. Life is too short, he can keep his money, his AP and his job. I'm not wasting anymore of my life to a weazel who has never really given a rat's ass about me. She has her special prize and I know she will never trust him, lol. He's went from a relationship with a woman who doesn't trust him (me) onto another. All I can say is hahahahahahahaha. Lol.

I've reconnected with a few friends whom I kinda stepped back from. I've joined a walking group and have renewed my interest in photography. Going back to the gym and spending time with my grandkids. My 2 youngest visit and stay with me quite a lot, I can't get peace, lol.

I actually think that getting back with him that last time has helped me realise that I will never trust him. I should've kept him out of my life the 1st time he walked out and left me with 4 kids. But, that's in hindsight. Time to look at my future and make me happy.

I am getting there. 

CK

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