# Confused



## Mother of three (Mar 10, 2012)

Hi, I have a slight problem. Well it could just be me. But here it goes. I have a 9 month old daughter, I'm pregnant with twins and due in 2 months. My husband thinks im crazy. 

We have been married for a couple of months and our relationship has changed so much. He won't hug me or randomly kiss me anymore. He has pulled away so much that I'm feeling like i have been left. He works all day and most of the night. He'll stop what he's doing to have s*x, but that's it. I feel like I just a roommate in my own house. I clean and cook all the time. When his kids come for the weekend we fight all the time. It is not like it used to be before we got married. This has changed us so much. 

So I'm confused is this marriage?


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

I realize you're posting in the Ladies' forum, but maybe I can help get some meaningful answers. Several things seem unclear.

Why does your husband think you are crazy? Can you elaborate a bit?

When you say that he works all day, and most of the night, can you gauge his stress level? It sounds like he is very tired and stressed, but maybe you can elaborate more for us. 

You say that you clean and cook all the time, but from what you are saying about his schedule, does he have time to help you with this?

He stops and comes home for sex, but is this something that is rare enough to just be a special treat that he can't miss? or is this pretty regular?

Have you spoken with him about the lack of affection that he is showing most of the other time? Has he given you any indication of why this is?

When his kids come over, and you fight, are the fights about his kids? or situations concerning his kids? or is it just fights about other things that you don't want to have in front of his kids?

I know you're soliciting the advice of the ladies, so I won't interject too much, but I had so many questions from reading your original post, I thought maybe you could help those who are interested to help you out some more if you clarified some of those things ... and I'm sure they will have other questions to ask you.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Hun, Its probably very emotional for you right now.

A 9 month baby & then pregnant with twins within months of her birth?? Ouch. 

Relax... It will take some time, but it will get better. Things will start looking up for you. 
j


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## Mother of three (Mar 10, 2012)

Well my husband thinks I'm crazy when I start itching and can not stop because of dry skin. Or when I start go nuts on the cleaning. Or when I start crying uncontrollable. 

My husband works from home. He owns his own web developing business. There really is no way to guage his stress level because he dosen't talk to me about it. The fact is he won't. Instead he will only drink about it. 

He could help with the cleaning and cooking, but he doesn't want to. We seem to have our roles defined for us here. 

The sex thing is about once a week. We have spoken about the affection and all I get is a cold shoulder. 

The fighting that we have is about his children. The way that he raises them. The way that they treat us and my daughter. The lack of communication that surrounds the children and the lack of communication that he as with me.


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## itgetsbetter (Mar 1, 2012)

You're both under a lot of stress lately. Even positive life events can create enormous stress on a person and a couple. You've had a baby who is less than a year old...that's a big adjustment. You've only been married a few months...another huge adjustment. You're shortly expecting twins...

He's stressed. You're stressed. The relationship is stressed.

Honestly, I'd just give it time and then evaluate things again once the twins are born and sleeping through the night. In the meantime, try to be patient with him (but don't put up with any emotional abuse of course), and please do not fight around his children. I know that is REALLY hard sometimes...I can't say I never fought around my kids with my ex, but I regret it profoundly.

Best wishes!


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## gofish (Mar 16, 2012)

I agree with Chelle D and itgetsbetter about the level of stress and emotion in your life right now, Mother of three. There's been so many new things in your life recently that it would be hard for anyone to manage that well, let alone someone who is 7 months pregnant with twins!

Marriage and parenting can be challenging in the best of circumstances, and you are being faced with a lot of complicated factors. In working with Focus on the Family, I have come across a lot of helpful information online that you might want to check out. There's some articles here and here that might interest you.

Hang in there, Mother of three. I know things are tough right now, but I think it's great that you are reaching out to others for encouragement and help. My prayers are with you!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

How old are his kids? How can they treat your daughter badly....she's only 9 months old? 

Realize that some of it you bring on yourself. 

1.Cleaning frenzies, for one. That is YOUR deal. Don't do it if you are going to gripe about it later. 

2. Crying uncontrollably.... (MOST men will think this is crazy, pregnant or not)... IF you really can't control your emotions, leave the room....why drag other people into it?

3. Start creating the home/family life that YOU want. Work with hubby to create Rules for Children.... ways that ALL children should act, and be accountable for. Using manners, picking up after themselves, not interrupting. Actions that you want to see in your own children too. House rules.

4. Take a nap every freakin chance you get... it's fixin to get crazier around there!


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Mother of three said:


> Well my husband thinks I'm crazy when I start itching and can not stop because of dry skin. Or when I start go nuts on the cleaning. Or when I start crying uncontrollable.
> 
> My husband works from home. He owns his own web developing business. There really is no way to guage his stress level because he dosen't talk to me about it. The fact is he won't. Instead he will only drink about it.
> 
> ...


Was your husband just born yesterday? He could just a small amount of reading to find out that your behavior is very normal during pregnancy. You are nesting, your hormones are making you cry, your skin is dry and itchy because of all the stuff going on inside your body. I'd like to see how he would react to pregnancy. 

Oh, wait until he finds out about the hemmoriods! Is he gonna leave you then? Or God forbid your nipples will get huge to feed your children. OH NO! Men forget that our bodies are made for having and feeding children, NOT as toys for them to play with. He needs to be more understanding because I will bet that your stress level will decrease once he starts to understand and be there for you mentally and physically. 

Anyway, you are doing the hard work here, what does he have to complain about?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get some very good body lotion for the ichy skin. Also take bath with oil.. I use olive oil. Scrub your skin with a wash cloth in the bath to remove old, dry skin. This reduces the ichiness. Ask your hubby to help with scrubbing your back and other unreachable places.

Do you two have enough money to hire someone to come in and help with the cleaning? You are going to need the help over the next few months if your husband does start helping.


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

The first year of marriage for us was partially spent raising our newborn and then the first year of raising a baby.... well, both of those things combined has been a huge stresser for us. You are going thru huge changes. I would suggest some counseling to sort thru things and work on some ways to stay connected.


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## PatriciaM (Mar 21, 2012)

Girl, run away from that man.
It's not a marriage. It's obvious slavery. And he gains the kids after all. Poor thing. 
___________
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## Mother of three (Mar 10, 2012)

All the suggestions that were given to has been very helpful. Thank you all so much.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'd get into counseling now, b/c this is a LOT for any relationship. 

He could be freaked out about all the additional responsibility and working so much b/c he's afraid he won't be able to provide. Good communication--with the help of a counselor if he's not good at communicating--could relieve some of that pressure.

The other thing is that the work of raising young ones is really boring to a lot of people, and he may be hiding in his work to avoid all that baby care and housework that few people actually like. That's not fair to you. But you need to lead him to counseling and to other ways of seeing how you can blend roles despite what he is assuming, whatever it is. 

He may also be regretting getting himself in this deep, adding 3 kids so quickly to what he already has. Again, communicating in a place where he feels safe admitting this--and working through it--is better by far than ignoring it. Good luck; you definitely have your hands full!


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