# X



## Blh547 (Sep 16, 2021)

X


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your problem isn’t with your mil it’s with your husband. He’s weak and is putting his mother’s opinions/feelings above yours. 
I don’t say this lightly but you may want to reconsider your marriage. Your mil could live another twenty five years and with advances in medicine she could be around even longer. Do you want to play second fiddle to her for the next three decades?
With her manipulative behaviour she will play you against your husband and will portray herself as the victim. 
I would start by telling him that you’ve decided not to go on the family trip and when he comes back you intend to visit your own family. Alone. 
I know this sounds like petty behaviour but he has to be made understand that he’s a husband first and foremost and he has to put his wife and maybe future children ahead of his mother.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Is she married are are there other children locally? 
I sat this in all seriousness but you may have to move right away to have any sort of life if your own. I know people who have done this. She is interfering far too much.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Blh547 said:


> Does anyone have any advice about how to talk to my husband about this without causing a fight (when I’m frustrated and upset and he’s dealing with feelings about her health)?
> Any advice at all really would be nice. Even just some support or insight… thanks so much!


I'd go on the trip as someone else has already paid for it.
As for MiL problems, everyone has them.
My MiL turns up and stays for 4-8 weeks with no consultation with me, even worse she's my age and I hate other old people being around. She's also ill and can't do much, and broke ....... at least yours is spending money on you.
Best you can hope for is that she spends equal time with her other children.
You aren't going to win any fights mom Vs wife, so I'd not even start them, just endure as best you can and put on the best face you can.

I very much disagree with @Andy1001, parents should always come first, you only get one mom/dad, wife/husband come and go.


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## Blh547 (Sep 16, 2021)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I'd go on the trip as someone else has already paid for it.
> As for MiL problems, everyone has them.
> My MiL turns up and stays for 4-8 weeks with no consultation with me, even worse she's my age and I hate other old people being around. She's also ill and can't do much, and broke ....... at least yours is spending money on you.
> Best you can hope for is that she spends equal time with her other children.
> ...


Hi, I appreciate receiving input from someone with a very different attitude. However, I must disagree. It sounds like you’re encouraging me (and anyone else who might be in a similar position reading this) to sacrifice boundaries, communication, and respect. Which are unarguably key factors in healthy relationships and happiness. 
I don’t think anyone would disagree with the fact that parents are special and you only get the ones you have. However that doesn’t mean that they are perfect or that they can do whatever pleases them. Basic etiquette and respect is still be a part of being human, even after you have children. 
The point of this post was to get some real world insight regarding understanding, communication, and strategies for navigating these issues. 
It is still interesting to hear from someone who chooses a different approach though! Thanks anyways


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## Blh547 (Sep 16, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> Your problem isn’t with your mil it’s with your husband. He’s weak and is putting his mother’s opinions/feelings above yours.
> I don’t say this lightly but you may want to reconsider your marriage. Your mil could live another twenty five years and with advances in medicine she could be around even longer. Do you want to play second fiddle to her for the next three decades?
> With her manipulative behaviour she will play you against your husband and will portray herself as the victim.
> I would start by telling him that you’ve decided not to go on the family trip and when he comes back you intend to visit your own family. Alone.
> I know this sounds like petty behaviour but he has to be made understand that he’s a husband first and foremost and he has to put his wife and maybe future children ahead of his mother.


Hey thanks for the input. I think I might need to work on standing my ground a little more


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## Blh547 (Sep 16, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Is she married are are there other children locally?
> I sat this in all seriousness but you may have to move right away to have any sort of life if your own. I know people who have done this. She is interfering far too much.


She is married but the father is quite a lot older than her. He doesn’t have the drastic health problems she does but he is quiet and slow moving. There is also one other child who is young and single and takes on a lot for them. Unfortunately, he is very dedicated to them and will rarely, if ever, disagree with anything. 
I am starting to see how common these issues are. My hope was to set some strong boundaries now to be carried forward as time moves on


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I'd go on the trip as someone else has already paid for it.
> As for MiL problems, everyone has them.
> My MiL turns up and stays for 4-8 weeks with no consultation with me, even worse she's my age and I hate other old people being around. She's also ill and can't do much, and broke ....... at least yours is spending money on you.
> Best you can hope for is that she spends equal time with her other children.
> ...


You seem happy to be a martyr in your own relationship. Doesn’t mean it’s right.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> You seem happy to be a martyr in your own relationship. Doesn’t mean it’s right.


I'm very happy in my marriage, and the one thing age has taught me is to never participate in a dispute I have no chance of winning.

OP states married for 1 year which has been 'tough'. Mom has cared for son for around 20 years.
Husband will likely choose mom who loved and cared for him 20 years over wife who has given him 1 'tough' year.

Only chance OP has is to up the stakes of the game by getting pregnant.


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## Blh547 (Sep 16, 2021)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I'm very happy in my marriage, and the one thing age has taught me is to never participate in a dispute I have no chance of winning.
> 
> OP states married for 1 year which has been 'tough'. Mom has cared for son for around 20 years.
> Husband will likely choose mom who loved and cared for him 20 years over wife who has given him 1 'tough' year.
> ...


You appear to be a very unhealthy individual. No where in my post have I stated that I was the reason for the tough year. Nor do you know anything about what my husbands family relationships and upbringing were like. You are assuming a lot of things and giving very poor advice which could be read by people who are vulnerable or impressionable for a variety of reasons.
The pregnancy comment is disgusting.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

The one thing I would never do is take a cat on a 7 hour car trip.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Blh547 said:


> Hey guys. I’m new here but I’m dealing with some big frustrations.
> My husband and I have been married for just over one year now. It’s been a tough first year with the pandemic and everything already. His mom has always been a bit stubborn and persistent but very nice to me and when she was in better health it didn’t affect me as much. I should add that she is fairly young but has Parkinson’s and in the last 6 months it has gotten a lot worse.
> The big frustrations started during our wedding planning. I think this is common but here’s what happened… she was very opinionated and wanted things we didn’t etc… we actually dealt with this ok. But then the pandemic happened and to keep this shorter I will just say that we had to continue with the legal part and decided we would plan a proper wedding with guests when restrictions were lifted. We wanted to sign the papers alone and then celebrate with everyone when we could. She flat out said no and was very manipulative. Telling my husband about how she’s getting old, he doesn’t love her, blah blah blah. We ended up having them there (and none of my family as they live close and travel wasn’t possible for my family). Sure, I dealt with it even though it felt very strange and one sided. But on top of that we asked that there be no celebrations planned or presents. Besides the legal part which we sort of had to do, we wanted to save everything for a wedding with everyone that felt as normal as possible. But then she went ahead and planned a dinner/ evening involving some of my husbands family members who came from out of town for it and even a couple of her friends who aren’t even related (and also came from out of town). And there were presents. This made me feel disrespected because it was all exactly what I didn’t want and I ended up feeling hurt that it felt like I had a little wedding without anyone there for me.
> SO now, my husband is finishing up his university program which has been very demanding and requires most of his time. We haven’t had a lot of time together and we haven’t been anywhere together for a weekend or anything in over a year. It’s been hard but we’ve just been looking forward to when he’s done/has some time to get some romance in. On top of his very demanding work and school this summer his mother has had two falls resulting in two emergency surgeries. One was a hip replacement. We tried to talk to her about walking on the stairs before this but she was too stubborn and wouldn’t listen. Now even after this whole ordeal she is still walking the stairs which is a huge risk and she won’t listen. It’s causing a lot of stress and she requires a lot of help. The problem is, she is still in her 50s, and it seems there’s no way to force her. Now next month for the first time in forever my husband will have a week or so where he will be free. We had tossed out the idea of a getaway but didn’t plan anything.
> ...


My husband is just like yours...has no guts when it comes to laying down a boundary with their side of the family. It seems like your mother in law needs to learn a lesson, and so does your husband. Either you both DON'T go on her planned vacation, or he can go without you. You're not expected to go anywhere with them. Plan your couple vacation, as you have the right to do. DO NOT cave or give in to his or her pleas to go on this family vacation. She'll probably dislike you for it I'm sure, but stay above all that. Don't even be angry at your husband for going if he chooses to go, so long as he is not angry with you for not going. 

Also, I get the impression this woman 'plays up' her sickness when it suits her. I think you're right that she is manipulative.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> The one thing I would never do is take a cat on a 7 hour car trip.


Seriously. Why would *anyone* do that?

It's a freakin' WEEK - get someone from care.com for God's sakes.





__





Care.com: Find Child Care, Babysitters, Senior Care, Pet Care and Housekeeping


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So I had issues with my MIL who had a lot of health problems and took up my wife’s free time.

The answer to your question is to refuse to do things you don’t want to do. Can it cause issues for your marriage, yes. However doing things you don’t want to do will cause even worse issues if they make you angry.

Now one thing is I wasn’t angry with my wife, I was angry with my MIL for manipulating her and sucking time away from us. I also think my wife was wasting time on how she dealt with problems where she could have just paid someone else to take care of it.

Ultimate resolution came when she passed.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

It's a tough one having a mil with health issues. 

If I were you, I would tell my husband to enjoy his vacation with his family. I would stay home with the cats, go out with friends to eat or to have drinks, etc. I would text him all those happy pictures and wish him to have a great time with his family. 

Being home alone for a week sounds heavenly to me! 

It also shows him you are not going to die if he chooses his family over you. Hopefully he gets the message, he can be replaced too.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

GC1234 said:


> My husband is just like yours...has no guts when it comes to laying down a boundary with their side of the family. It seems like your mother in law needs to learn a lesson, and so does your husband. Either you both DON'T go on her planned vacation, or he can go without you. You're not expected to go anywhere with them. Plan your couple vacation, as you have the right to do. DO NOT cave or give in to his or her pleas to go on this family vacation. She'll probably dislike you for it I'm sure, but stay above all that. Don't even be angry at your husband for going if he chooses to go, so long as he is not angry with you for not going.
> 
> Also, I get the impression this woman 'plays up' her sickness when it suits her. I think you're right that she is manipulative.


Really, are you familiar with Parkinsons?? If not, look it up. It's nothing anyone "plays up". It's she's already to the point she's falling, her days of normal life are numbered. No wonder she wants to take a trip now, while she can.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband can decide to cater to his mother; but, you certainly don't have to. He has no right to demand that you follow suit. If MIL loses money on the deal, that's on her. Let him listen to her whine for a week all by himself and I bet he'll have a change of heart.

Don't let MIL commandeer your marriage. Since husband can't put you first, he might need to move back home with his mommy.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your MIL has tried to do 2 nice things for you -- have a small dinner when you couldn't have your big wedding due to Covid & now she wants to take you on vacation. It's not solely about boundaries. It's about you learning to be more gracious when somebody does nice things for you. 

Yes it was sad that your people couldn't be there for your special day but your MIL & your husband's people are now your family too. You will get the big party eventually. 

If you don't want to go on the trip don't go but make sure your husband tells MIL that you two will not be attending. She's his mother. But think about it. If MIL has Parkinson's, there aren't too many trips she will be able to go on in the future. That day is much closer than you think. Do you really want your husband to resent you down the line for robbing him of what may be one of the last few opportunities to make memories with his mom ? She's sick woman who will grow more debilitated as time goes on. She deserves your empathy not your contempt.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Her husband is free to go on the trip. He has no right to demand that she also goes and drags two cats with her.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

D0nnivain said:


> She's sick woman who will grow more debilitated as time goes on. She deserves your empathy not your contempt.


Maybe, my MIL got a 6 months or less to live diagnosis in the ICU before we were married and then was in and out of the hospital and ICU for decades, plural decades. Many times they wanted to put her in hospice. Even when she was punching out I still didn’t believe it.

As an aside, don’t take cats on trips (unless you’re a breeder or something). You can hire someone to come in and feed, give water, and empty their litter. They’re fine by themselves even for long periods this way.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

D0nnivain said:


> Your MIL has tried to do 2 nice things for you -- have a small dinner when you couldn't have your big wedding due to Covid & now she wants to take you on vacation. It's not solely about boundaries. It's about you learning to be more gracious when somebody does nice things for you.


I am the one who decides when a nice thing has been done for me. 

I appreciate there are such things as good intentions, but if someone ignores my stated wishes, those are not good intentions.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> Your MIL has tried to do 2 nice things for you -- have a small dinner when you couldn't have your big wedding due to Covid & now she wants to take you on vacation. It's not solely about boundaries. It's about you learning to be more gracious when somebody does nice things for you.
> 
> Yes it was sad that your people couldn't be there for your special day but your MIL & your husband's people are now your family too. You will get the big party eventually.
> 
> If you don't want to go on the trip don't go but make sure your husband tells MIL that you two will not be attending. She's his mother. But think about it. If MIL has Parkinson's, there aren't too many trips she will be able to go on in the future. That day is much closer than you think. Do you really want your husband to resent you down the line for robbing him of what may be one of the last few opportunities to make memories with his mom ? She's sick woman who will grow more debilitated as time goes on. She deserves your empathy not your contempt.


If all these are hard facts, and his mother's health is truly imminently failing it would be a positive gracious act to share some time with him/her. No durn cats though, but that's my view only. For those who are for cats, ymmv.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

SpinyNorman said:


> I am the one who decides when a nice thing has been done for me.
> 
> I appreciate there are such things as good intentions, but if someone ignores my stated wishes, those are not good intentions.


In this particular circumstance that isn't totally uncommon (except for the cats), again if truly mil health is crashing, poss a last opportunity etc, then find a way to support SO in spending time with his mother. That would be the adult thing to do.

If this is just another mil ploy, that's different.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I think I can safely guarantee that MIL would appreciate DIL staying home so MIL could have junior all to herself. 

OP, think of it as being selfless and let MIL have this last dance with her little boys.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

I'm vibing with both Andy1001 and pastasauce79 on this. When I look back at what I regret most, it is always the times that I lacked grace. I was rigid, impatient, frustrated and wanted things my way.
You could put yourself in an oppositional dynamic with his mom (a power struggle) but that wouldn't bode well for the long term contentedness of your marriage. Not to mention, exhausting as a result of being in direct conflict with who you are as a human.
Being content to let him go on his own without you is a reasonable solution. It isn't going to war and is setting boundaries. Yet, it is a missed opportunity. If you are willing to be open/flexible, this is a chance to turn lemons into lemonade. You may find that getting to know his family better, enjoying their company, letting them in, as expansive for yourself and your marriage.
Good luck no matter what you choose.
Also, there are many reputable pet sitting services. The kitties shouldn't travel.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

We moved as far west as we could to get away from my mil.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

2 notes:
I love and have cats. I've also cleaned up after long distance cat trips (vet supported) my Co dependent daughter did.
I've watched jealous mothers wreck their sons new marriages over family trips. I'm suspicious.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

gold5932 said:


> We moved as far west as we could to get away from my mil.


Sometimes thats the only way to save a marriage.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Your problem represents the eternal struggle for a married man between his wife and his mother. The husband can not win. He knows he should go with his wife's needs every time but guilt/ sense of duty also demands he respects his mother's wishes. I, like so many men, have been there and we don't have an answer. We are confused, torn and slightly afraid. We, like others, moved away but there were still tensions.

I an not being flippant but I would recommend binge watching Everyone Loves Raymond to understand your husband more. They are comedies but are actually a series of everyday parables.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

For me choice between mom and wife is EZ. I don’t even pick up the phone when my mom calls she can wait. I barely even answer her email.

I think a lot of it is based on how you were brought up and what examples you had. From a young age my dad was like, hey when a bird gets to be a certain age it gets kicked out of the nest. Either it flies or it crashes on the ground but either way it ain’t coming back.

So for me it was/is an adjustment living with someone who as an adult is still highly attached to family.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Blh547, your MIL is manipulative and disrespectful. She wants what she wants, and won't pay anyone any heed in order to get what she wants. That being said, your husband needs to realize that he's a husband first and foremost, and that major decisions involving you two need to be made together, with no outside interference. 

For your legal nuptials and unwanted party afterwards which catered to you MIL and husband only, that was beyond disrespectful. If you both had spoken up, said how you wanted to be married as a couple, and had told her "no" to the party, she had no right to interfere.

With the trip, I don't blame you guys for not wanting to waste the money and being concerned about MIL's health, but she has zero right to go ahead and book things. What was your H's reaction to this? I kind of like @Andy1001's suggestion of sending your H with his family so that you can care for your cats, and then going away for a week without him. It might piss him off, it might teach him a lesson. Either way, he needs to grow a set of balls.

The long and short of it though is that your MIL is way too involved in your lives, and she needs to back off. I understand that she's ill, and that you guys feel badly for her, but if you let her, she will run your lives. Imagine if you were to have kids?!? She'd be the one dictating how they're raised. If this isn't something that interests you, sit your H down and have a heart to heart with him and get him to understand that his devotion is to your marriage first.

Also, I had a MIL like this, and we got along really well. Everything changed though when we got engaged, and she did a 180 because I think she felt like I was taking away her baby boy. She never changed much, I just learned to deal with her and let her snide comments roll off my back. She also always came first in my H's life; his marriage unfortunately was waaay down on his list of priorities. When weI divorced, I was glad to be out of a toxic marriage, and also very glad to be rid of a very toxic MIL.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I'm very happy in my marriage, and the one thing age has taught me is to never participate in a dispute I have no chance of winning.
> 
> OP states married for 1 year which has been 'tough'. Mom has cared for son for around 20 years.
> *Husband will likely choose mom who loved and cared for him 20 years over wife who has given him 1 'tough' year.*
> ...


Did you know that it takes 2 people to make either a happy or unhappy marriage? @Blh547 didn't "give" her H a tough year; they HAD a tough year. The first year of marriage is always the hardest, and a lot of times, once a couple finds their groove, it's smoother sailing. that's not always the case though. And also, OP would do well to go on birth control until things in her marriage are ironed out; bringing a baby into things will only create more stress and her MIL will probably tell them how to parent.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> As an aside, don’t take cats on trips (unless you’re a breeder or something). You can hire someone to come in and feed, give water, and empty their litter. They’re fine by themselves even for long periods this way.


Yup! One of my side gigs is a pet care business I started about 5 years ago. I have a few cat clients who get me to pop in and look after their furballs when they're on holidays. If you go this route, a couple suggestions: make sure that the person is insured and bonded before you give them keys to your home and access to your furbabies. I am, and also have a pet first aid certificate, which is kind of a nice extra to have. Meet with a couple of options, and also have your cats meet them, and see how they react to each other; that will tell a lot. If you have any questions, just PM me!


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Really, are you familiar with Parkinsons?? If not, look it up. It's nothing anyone "plays up". It's she's already to the point she's falling, her days of normal life are numbered. No wonder she wants to take a trip now, while she can.


THIS^^^

What about having some compassion for this woman?? It's a control thing for her because she's going downhill fast. She's losing control of her body and mind, and trust me, having watched my grandfather with Parkinson's, it's pretty brutal.

Your husband, watching his mother whittling away before him (and she's only in her 50s) is going to be extremely difficult. Why in the world would you want to make his world more difficult? Does everything have to be about you?

Time is slipping away from her fast and she doesn't have time to put things off. You and your husband have your whole future to take trips and time away by yourselves. Should she have asked first? Sure.

Close your eyes and put yourself in her position. I mean truly try to see and feel what she's going through and trust me it's going to get brutal at the end. 

instead of being judgmental and doing what you want try to come from a loving place and see your MIL for who she is right now. A dying woman who's your husband's mom..

My mom passed away last yr and I would give ANYTHING just to be able to speak to her for 5 minutes!!! To go on a vacation with her!!!

Once they're gone they're gone.. Try to make the best of a horrible situation. Years from now,, after she's passed away, trust me your husband will remember how supportive you were to him and how loving you were to his mother at the most difficult time in her life.

We ALL have to do things that we don't want to do nor enjoy. This isn't some strange woman it's the woman that gave birth to your husband.

Can you honor that??

If she wasn't dying I could appreciate where you're coming from. However she is!! 

Why not try to make the best out of a horrible situation and be more supportive.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

sideways said:


> THIS^^^
> 
> What about having some compassion for this woman?? It's a control thing for her because she's going downhill fast. She's losing control of her body and mind, and trust me, having watched my grandfather with Parkinson's, it's pretty brutal.
> 
> ...


If someone is dying I am sympathetic to the fact that they have less time than I do and am willing to make some accomodations wrt time. However, impending death has nothing to do w/ who gets to run my wedding.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

SpinyNorman said:


> If someone is dying I am sympathetic to the fact that they have less time than I do and am willing to make some accomodations wrt time. However, impending death has nothing to do w/ who gets to run my wedding.


Well she is who she is and OP issue here is with her husband not his mother. Speak the F up and have firm boundaries. Sounds like her husband never did this.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

SpinyNorman said:


> If someone is dying I am sympathetic to the fact that they have less time than I do and am willing to make some accomodations wrt time. However, impending death has nothing to do w/ who gets to run my wedding.


You have no idea how much time you have left. None of us do. You might get hit by a bus tomorrow morning. We are ALL dying. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Don't get me wrong. I love my mil. I can hang out with her, we've traveled together, we go to concerts together. We are good friends. She has some health issues too. Two years ago she was in the ICU and I thought she was going to die. I appreciate having her around and I don't mind sharing my husband with her because she respects me and my marriage. 

I also don't mind if my husband wants to spend time with her because it's her mom and they love each other. 

It's best to find middle ground with the in laws and try to have a good relationship with them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*MODERATOR NOTICE:- *Due to the fact that the OP deleted the content of her first post, this thread is closed to further replies.


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