# Relationship navigation after divorce. need info from men and women



## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Hi I need info advise from men and women on all these questions.

I will be divorced soon and a year away-maybe available to date closer to that year end date. Here are the questions.

1. Do men or woman keep or should they keep a secret stash of $3000 hidden just in case either party kicks the other out of the house? 

2. Do you date a person with kids or not

3. Does one live together as a couple or do you get married.

4. What if spouse does chores to midnight to appear they do not want to get close or be physical.

5. what if you only have sex once to twice a month?

6. If neither is in the mood but say's how about a quickie, with out the set up, and just to tired, depressed, not interested or got turned down for whatever reason you just don't want to expend the energy what do you all usually to. Get mad, leave, sleep on the ouch, get counseling or do nothing.

7. Women do you buy your own lingerie? or do you let you husband buy it for you. Do you not like to wear it ad don't buy it, or do you buy it although you don't like it, but use it as a tool to get us men interested. I like seeing it, but I never taught it because the wife she don't like it and will not wear it; therefore, I am left to remove sweat shirts and pants. 

8. if you have been married 7-20 years what do you do for the build up to get sex, romance, asking for BJ or give you lady OS regularly without begging.

9. Do you sit down to eat a meal together at 6PM to eat talk. Why or why not?

10. what is the routine and in's and out's of dating, falling in love, or liking he person to have sex with? 

11. do any of you say hurry up during sex" are you getting there yet? an ethey hope it is over in five minutes?

12. what is he dating routine, when do you suggest making love, sleeping over the night?

13 What are the entire rules? 

14. What is the routine for romance to make love whether you are married 5 years 15, or 30 or more.

15 Woman, what does hour husband or lover have to do make you mind feel sexy enough to go all the way?

16 Men, What does your wife or lover have to do to make you feel sexy enough to say "yeah Lets Do it?

17. How do you ask for special sex acts or desires to be performed when you have been turned down too often or you woke up with feeling, "I don't feel safe sharing my inner intimacy needs. Do you just say Please can you go down on Me?

18. What ways in the 10th, 20th 30th year of marriage how do you ask to get sexual, intimacy, and other needs met. How and when do you do it. 

19. How do you look forward to the future and what do you do regularly to get yourself heard?

20. How do you ask for things when you don't feel safe around your partner emotionally?

THanks, I hope you can all weigh in.

Thanks,


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

There is no hard and fast set of rules or feelings, every person is different, every relationship is different, hell every day is different. You figure it out as you go, stick with what works and apologize for what doesn't.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Thank you. I wish there was a secret key. May be it is like the scene from Joe black. The loving doctor may have gone with him, the angel of death, if he asked her again. She did look into his eyes and saw the warts and all with deep regret and lost longing for complete love. or not choosing him, it; thus, walking away no matter if it hurt or didn't. What do you all think of this analogy.

It just is not enjoyable when things don't work out although you really did at the beginning, middle, end end. It just happens.

Everybody, Thanks, keep up the input for at least a couple more days. I appreciate it.

David


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

David, just take some time to discover yourself and do what seems right for you. From your questions you sound like you don't have a very assertive personality and have a hard time speaking up for yourself. I'd recommend working on that before you start dating someone. If you can develop that skill, then a lot of your questions/concerns will stop being an issue. 

Another general piece of advice is be the best version of yourself that you can be. Work hard, be successful, keep in shape, be involved in your community, etc. Women tend to be drawn to men that have their sh1t together and those men tend to not have issues with getting their needs met.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Have to agree with Bananapeel, the fact that you are even asking these questions lead me to believe you don't know who you are and are looking for others to tell you how to act. Find yourself and be true to you. Screw what anybody else thinks is "normal" or "typical". If you want to have $3000 stashed away in case you get kicked out, do it, if you want to date a woman with kids - do it! The thing you are missing is that now it is your choice, don't let society or anybody else tell you how you should or shouldn't act. If you want to live together and NOT get married - do it. You will never find anyone to meet your needs until you know what your needs are yourself. The old saying is true - you can't love another until you love yourself. Discover your love for yourself and let the universe meet your needs


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I was dating and having sex 2 days after separating. Going to be engaged 14 months after separation and 8 months after divorce final. Just start dating when ready, there are no rules. I checked out of my marriage years before separating, so I was ready.

I have kids and wanted a girl with kids already. I got snipped, so no more kids for me and her. I wanted a girl with life experience, so dated close to my age. If you aren't having sex most daily, move on!


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Hello,

Thanks, I do speak up too late sometimes. I will fix that and start working to become my best self again. I will get it all back. Thanks for the support.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Thanks, I am going to recover first before dating again. It's work, friends, me time, and time with church and God, volunteering for now.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Yes you hit the nail on the head exactly who I am. I am going to get my own approval from myself rather than rely on others to tell me what to be, do, and act. Thanks for the profound heads up.

What you wrote is my problem all my life. I am going to show it to my counselor to check this out.

Thank you.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

A few suggestions - first off getting with God is good just make sure you do so on your terms, but leave out the church. Churches along with whatever religion they are dealing in (even if it is just the pastors interpretation) have a whole set of expectations about who you should be and how you should act. Secondly, avoid a "religious" counselor, they too have a whole bunch of expectations about how you should behave. In fact I would say many of your issues stem from whatever religious believes you hold. Thirdly don't work to become your best self again. The fact is that you never were your best self before, strive to be a better version of who you area instead. Finally, while Colorado Guy has some good general ideas, do NOT jump into any relationship so soon. Find out who you are and what you want, before settling into a LTR that you will probably come to regret a few years down the road.
One of the biggest obstacles I faced in my recovery (still a never ending work in progress) was my determination to become me again. I spent months trying to recovery who I was, all the while rejecting the new and better me that stood before me waiting to be embraced. You can never go back, you can only go forward. So why try to piece together the shattered fragments of the plate glass window your life used to be, when you can create a beautiful stained glass mosaic you now have the opportunity to create?


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