# Pushed into having an affair - now I can't stop!? I am so confused...



## dazedandconfused4sure

This is going to sound very, very bad. I am in the most insane situation and I don't know what to do and I don't know what all of this means. I have been married for a decade and never had sex with someone else. The marriage should have ended a long time ago. I stayed through unbearable moments because we had kids so I didn't know how to leave or really even have the means to go. I put up with being locked away in the home and estranged from all of my friends and family. It was a very lonely and depressing couple year span for me.

I started working out of the home again and things got very rough in my marriage. I was told that I couldn't go out more than once or twice a year and a curfew was put on me for the times I was allowed. We were fighting so badly because these rules and regulations were never in place for my husband. He went out often and until he felt like he wanted to come home.

This year things finally came to a head and I started talking "divorce" early in the year. He started changing. Through all of this I never had affairs. He's been really awesome but this is for maybe 9 months in comparison to the 7 or 8 extremely critical years.

I recently got pushed into having an affair. I wasn't sure how I felt about it and this person was so dead set on making it happen. After some time I went out with him a couple times and I officially cheated once and then ended it. I felt terrible and guilty and crushed and feel like I broke my marriage. I've been living with this for months and some days it made me physically ill but I've been keeping it to myself because I don't know what it means for my marriage. I don't want to discuss it, even though I should have came clean immediately, until I know what is what. I don't know if this means it's over. I've done so much reading and I know what I was missing wasn't the sex, it was the fun and the attention. My husband has forgotten how to have fun with me and how to enjoy my outgoing personality. I have to act like a completely different person around him. He has always been so insanely jealous and controlling, when there was no reason. I know men will have affairs when something is missing and they do completely love there wives, just as I do my husband. I do still love him.

Since the first affair, it's like I've opened Pandora's box. I've cheated quite a bit with several other people. Same thing, one fling and then I stop. I'm having a compulsion control issue. I'm addicted to the fun and the attention.

I'm sure most will say "get out, your marriage is done" and that I killed it. I feel like I want an "open" marriage but I know that if I come forward with this, the marriage is over. One person wants a traditional (and over controlling) closed marriage and I feel like I want us to be polyamorous. We have a group here. It's something me and my husband can do together. I really wouldn't mind exploring this area with him. We actually talked about doing it a couple years back but I pulled the plug because he was only into both of us having a girlfriend. I mean, come on! What man doesn't want to have two women all the time. That's not even something I'm sure I like. He wouldn't reciprocate with us possibly pulling in another couple or another man. He is extremely sexual. I know he would be totally into doing stuff to me with another guy if he was respectful to me in the bedroom in thought (and he does get turned on talking about it on occasion), but when spoken about in actual plans to move forward, he got agitated and jealous over the idea. I'm not into setting up an entire new area just for him, again, in our relationship. The entire thing had always gone his way to start, it would be detrimental to the marriage.

On the side I also think maybe it's time to end our marriage. It's difficult because he is my friend. We have an amazing sex life and as long as I never want to ever leave the house and do anything at all, home life is great. Somehow he just stopped remembering who I am and stopped being my friend. He turned into one of those TV husbands that I thought I lucked out and didn't end up with. I'm scared and I'm confused and I don't know what I'm doing at all. It's like I've lost my mind.

Any advice would be appreciated like you can't believe. I need help.


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## farsidejunky

You have agency.

Nothing has happened to you that you have not allowed. 

Let that sink in for a minute before you blame anyone else for the path you have chosen.


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## uhtred

Before worrying about the affair, what do you mean by "couldn't go out" and "curfew". Those are not reasonable or normal things in a marriage. Are you in an abusive situation where you are being trapped at home?

What does "go out" mean? Do you mean "leave the house". or do you mean "go on a date" -the phrase could mean either. 




dazedandconfused4sure said:


> snip
> 
> I started working out of the home again and things got very rough in my marriage. I was told that I couldn't go out more than once or twice a year and a curfew was put on me for the times I was allowed. We were fighting so badly because these rules and regulations were never in place for my husband. He went out often and until he felt like he wanted to come home.
> snip


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## dazedandconfused4sure

farsidejunky said:


> You have agency.
> 
> Nothing has happened to you that you have not allowed.
> 
> Let that sink in for a minute before you blame anyone else for the path you have chosen.


I completely understand where you're coming from. I didn't mean to make it sound like I was blaming anyone else. This situation was a co-worker that has some pull over me, my position and how others at work view me. I should have stepped forward. The sex felt forced but you are right. I didn't step forward and I didn't say no. I went into the first situation hoping that if I did it once, the person would leave me alone. I'm not usually that weak of a person. It has left me feeling really stupid, and possibly rightfully so. Dead honest, I went for the second situation on my own hoping that it would sort of mentally cloud the other situation. I was so messed up mentally after it happened. I couldn't move past it and was starting to have panic attacks on my way to work every single day. Like I said, I'm in scary territory and very lost here.


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## dazedandconfused4sure

uhtred said:


> Before worrying about the affair, what do you mean by "couldn't go out" and "curfew". Those are not reasonable or normal things in a marriage. Are you in an abusive situation where you are being trapped at home?
> 
> What does "go out" mean? Do you mean "leave the house". or do you mean "go on a date" -the phrase could mean either.


Thank you for asking about this. By "couldn't go out" I meant he wouldn't let me go anywhere but work and home, not even if it was a work function. It started when I was invited to a "welcome to the team" outing for maybe 2 hours after work with all my new co-workers. It was very nice, they were welcoming me to management. Then the following week we had a cocktail party where everyone in management had to go and management from all over the US flew in to go. He lost it. Told me that going out more than once or twice a year was absurd and that when I go out I needed to be home, I believe it was by 10 or 11pm. That no matter what was going on, I needed to stop what I was doing and be home. And it was so odd because I was home at 7:30pm the first time and I believe by 10:00pm the second.

This was being around female friends only and/or work events and group events. I never use to go anywhere one on one with other men, wouldn't have even considered it at the time.

This person did keep me locked away in our home. He took my vehicle and I was shut in and isolated for years. I didn't even have a car. I slowly pulled myself out of the situation by getting my degree online and then jumping into a career. It caused a LOT of stress in our home, me breaking free. Demanding to be free.

I feel like he might be controlling. I feel like this wasn't normal behavior. But it happened so slow, the entire thing just snuck up on me. One day I took a look around and realized I barely exist and that my life was gone. And he's so kind and gentle. I always thought an abuser would be scary and forceful. I'm dealing with something different, something that's very hard to call out. My entire marriage is extremely confusing. I don't know how I let any of this happen.


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## Lostinthought61

I think deep down inside you did this to get out of your marriage, you cheat because you already have one foot out the door.....and be honest you love you husband only so much....you also hate him as well for the mental cruelty. in a way this is you control the situation...but really are you, instead your cheapening yourself, and you don't know how to stand up for yourself. Yes you need to leave the marriage but you need help because you i suspect if you leave this marriage you will be prime candidate to be taken by another man like your husband. you have some growing up to do. PS i you need to turn that guy in for sexual harassment.


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## dazedandconfused4sure

Lostinthought61 said:


> I think deep down inside you did this to get out of your marriage, you cheat because you already have one foot out the door.....and be honest you love you husband only so much....you also hate him as well for the mental cruelty. in a way this is you control the situation...but really are you, instead your cheapening yourself, and you don't know how to stand up for yourself. Yes you need to leave the marriage but you need help because you i suspect if you leave this marriage you will be prime candidate to be taken by another man like your husband. you have some growing up to do. PS i you need to turn that guy in for sexual harassment.


I think you're right. I think I might be so scared of how to move on that I've maybe been doing this to try and get caught and have my husband move forward with it. It was easier last year when I knew things were bad and could have easily left. Now, just when I was brave enough to say I wanted to leave, he changed completely. I like the person he is now but it hurts to stay in this. And on top of that, I certainly messed everything up. I'm not sure if I could let go of the past. I haven't even scratched the surface of the things that have been done to me over the years and how bad it has hurt.

I'd like to say I'd never be in a relationship again, but after the way this one has broken me down and made me revert emotionally to the mental age of a teen, I could see myself ending up codependent again. Which makes me sick. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I use to be so brave and bold. I still seem that way to people I know, but on the inside I'm a scared, confused little girl. And quite possibly an idiot. It's like I caught a really bad case of stupid.


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## Diana7

I think there needs to be complete honesty here, you need to tell him about all the cheating, lying and deception and stop hiding it from him. You could even be exposing him to STD's. 

Yes he was very over controlling but you say he has been so much better for the last 9 months. If you want to stay in he marriage then be honest, see if he wants to stay with you after all the affairs. If he does then they must stop. Adultery always ends in tears. 
If you wont stop then at least end the marriage first, then you are free to sleep around, although it will never make you happy.


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## dazedandconfused4sure

Diana7 said:


> I think there needs to be complete honesty here, you need to tell him about all the cheating, lying and deception and stop hiding it from him. You could even be exposing him to STD's.
> 
> Yes he was very over controlling but you say he has been so much better for the last 9 months. If you want to stay in he marriage then be honest, see if he wants to stay with you after all the affairs. If he does then they must stop. Adultery always ends in tears.
> If you wont stop then at least end the marriage first, then you are free to sleep around, although it will never make you happy.


Thank you for your honesty. I do want to come forward and I definitely thought about the STD issue. I know he'll ask me why I was doing it and what I want or was hoping would happen. I don't have answers for those questions so I keep stepping back to try and figure it out first. I read this stupid article in Time Magazine from this relationship therapist with 30 years in the field. Her advise was to end the affairs, recommit to the marriage and move forward... and believe it or not, to never tell. That all it does is cause hurt and whether you stay in the relationship or leave, it causes damage in an area that can never be undone. It sort of made sense but then it also sounded cruel. It completely takes the ability for the other person to be made aware and evaluate the situation themselves. I've been going around in circles for weeks accomplishing nothing and confusing myself more every day. I was going to ask for a divorce after the holidays. Then I get so scared to hurt my husband like this. It's eating me alive and I am aware that I completely deserve to be coming out of my skin right now for being such an awful person.


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## NobodySpecial

Diana7 said:


> I think there needs to be complete honesty here, you need to tell him about all the cheating, lying and deception and stop hiding it from him. You could even be exposing him to STD's.
> 
> Yes he was very over controlling but you say he has been so much better for the last 9 months. If you want to stay in he marriage then be honest, see if he wants to stay with you after all the affairs. If he does then they must stop. Adultery always ends in tears.
> If you wont stop then at least end the marriage first, then you are free to sleep around, although it will never make you happy.


I disagree with this with every fiber of my being. As a former battered women's shelter employee, one recognizes the signs. Isolation of this magnitude is NOT "controlling". It is abuse. If the abuser sees resistance, he may strike and strike hard. Get to a women's center or shelter or call a hotline and make a SAFE exit plan.


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## wilson

The way you describe your situation, it reminds me of a drug addict "I was stressed so I tried heroin. Now I am obsessed with trying it again and it's all I think about." It may help for you to think of it that way as you work through this. It sounds like something has flipped inside of you. Under no circumstances should you consider an open marriage. It would be a disaster for you. It's often a disaster even under the best circumstances. Consider going to a counselor and Sexual Addiction Anonymous meetings.


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## dazedandconfused4sure

NobodySpecial said:


> I disagree with this with every fiber of my being. As a former battered women's shelter employee, one recognizes the signs. Isolation of this magnitude is NOT "controlling". It is abuse. If the abuser sees resistance, he may strike and strike hard. Get to a women's center or shelter or call a hotline and make a SAFE exit plan.


Thank you so much for weighing in here. It's so tough to really see what's going on when you're knee deep in something that isn't "traditional" looking abuse. I'm not getting hit physically, it's all emotional. I'm such a mess in my head. I just don't even know what to do. I feel like I need to be out of this marriage. That I can't handle the control and isolation. Even now that this year he's started "letting me" go out, I'm stressed and looking at my watch all the time. I feel like I have to send photos of me and my female friends hanging out so he knows who I am with and what I'm doing, otherwise it's total crazy at home. He always has to know. I either have to stay at home or be willing to fight. Sometimes fighting gets too tiring.


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## dazedandconfused4sure

wilson said:


> The way you describe your situation, it reminds me of a drug addict "I was stressed so I tried heroin. Now I am obsessed with trying it again and it's all I think about." It may help for you to think of it that way as you work through this. It sounds like something has flipped inside of you. Under no circumstances should you consider an open marriage. It would be a disaster for you. It's often a disaster even under the best circumstances. Consider going to a counselor and Sexual Addiction Anonymous meetings.


That's a really interesting way to look at this. And yes, something definitely flipped. I definitely need to see a therapist and I have had sexual compulsion issues in the past, but I was single so I kind of looked past it. It wasn't hurting anyone at the time.


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## EleGirl

dazedandconfused4sure said:


> Thank you for your honesty. I do want to come forward and I definitely thought about the STD issue. I know he'll ask me why I was doing it and what I want or was hoping would happen. I don't have answers for those questions so I keep stepping back to try and figure it out first. I read this stupid article in Time Magazine from this relationship therapist with 30 years in the field. Her advise was to end the affairs, recommit to the marriage and move forward... and believe it or not, to never tell. That all it does is cause hurt and whether you stay in the relationship or leave, it causes damage in an area that can never be undone. It sort of made sense but then it also sounded cruel. It completely takes the ability for the other person to be made aware and evaluate the situation themselves. I've been going around in circles for weeks accomplishing nothing and confusing myself more every day. I was going to ask for a divorce after the holidays. Then I get so scared to hurt my husband like this. It's eating me alive and I am aware that I completely deserve to be coming out of my skin right now for being such an awful person.


A lot of professional counselors/therapists suggest to never tell your spouse about infidelity. It's not uncommon at all and there is some wisdom in that. 

I think you had the affairs to end your marriage. As someone else said, you love your husband on the one hand and hate him on the other for his controlling behavior. 

If you tell him about the affair, if he does not throw you out, he will return 10 fold to his controlling ways. He loosened up over the last few months and look what it led to.

There is a strong preference here on TAM to encourage that wayward spouses tell the betrayed spouse about their infidelity. But there is little concern given here to the safely of the wayward spouse. As controlling as your husband has been in the past, I think that there is a safety concern here. There is no way you should tell him about your affairs. He used emotional/verbal abuse to control you in the past. What do you think that the next step is for control? Physical violence.

Has your husband ever been physically violent to you? Has he done things link broken objects in anger, banged on walls and maybe even put holes in the wall? Has he ever, in an angry outburst, hit you, grabbed you, choked you, twisted your arm, etc? 

You are most likely better off just ending the marriage and getting out of this situation.
.


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## EleGirl

dazedandconfused4sure said:


> That's a really interesting way to look at this. And yes, something definitely flipped. I definitely need to see a therapist and I have had sexual compulsion issues in the past, but I was single so I kind of looked past it. It wasn't hurting anyone at the time.


Could this be a power play on your part? Your husband has lighted up on his controlling ways. So now you can exercise some power.... like doing what would hurt him the most... cheating. You seem like while you fear telling him about it on the one hand, you really want to tell him. Why is that? To inflict pain, hence exercise your 'power', where you had none before?

I have to admit, being an woman who was abused in the past, this seems to have some validity.


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## sokillme

Had you cheated before? Tell the truth?

Even so turns out he was right about you and your coworkers. I would call him controlling except you did the very thing he was afraid of. Maybe he could tell you were not capable of being monogamous. Again was there stuff like this in the past, friendships that pushed the line? I don't think you are telling us the full story. 

The whole relationship sounds dysfunctional but you are obviously part of this dysfunction. At this point maybe you should just cut your losses, and try to get some IC.

Some thing I noticed



> Her advise was to end the affairs


This implies more then one. Did they all "sneak up" on you?



> I have had sexual compulsion issues in the past,


Did he know about this? I wonder if that contributed to him being misguided enough to think he could lock you up to prevent you from acting on it. 

Personally I think lying to your spouse about your affair is absolutely abuse. You take away their agency in their own life. It is the opposite of love. Would you want to be lied to? 

All you have to do is read threads like this to see the damage it does. When it comes out, and it will come out it will be monstrous. Besides what is there really to save here. Both of you are completely abusive to each other. That's not love, that's not marriage, it's just pure dysfunction.


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## Diana7

EleGirl said:


> A lot of professional counselors/therapists suggest to never tell your spouse about infidelity. It's not uncommon at all and there is some wisdom in that.
> 
> I think you had the affairs to end your marriage. As someone else said, you love your husband on the one hand and hate him on the other for his controlling behavior.
> 
> If you tell him about the affair, if he does not throw you out, he will return 10 fold to his controlling ways. He loosened up over the last few months and look what it led to.
> 
> There is a strong preference here on TAM to encourage that wayward spouses tell the betrayed spouse about their infidelity. But there is little concern given here to the safely of the wayward spouse. As controlling as your husband has been in the past, I think that there is a safety concern here. There is no way you should tell him about your affairs. He used emotional/verbal abuse to control you in the past. What do you think that the next step is for control? Physical violence.
> 
> Has your husband ever been physically violent to you? Has he done things link broken objects in anger, banged on walls and maybe even put holes in the wall? Has he ever, in an angry outburst, hit you, grabbed you, choked you, twisted your arm, etc?
> 
> You are most likely better off just ending the marriage and getting out of this situation.
> .


How sad that so many professionals advise such lying and deception. I could never live with myself if I didn't tell of such a betrayal. I have got it in me to lie and deceive like that. Its so unfair to the betrayed spouse. 
This man has never used violence as far as we know, and if she is worried she could tell him with a marriage counsellor present.


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## GusPolinski

You weren’t pushed into anything.

You had a choice to make, and you made it.

Repeatedly.

Just end your sham of a marriage now before things get worse.


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## Diana7

NobodySpecial said:


> I disagree with this with every fiber of my being. As a former battered women's shelter employee, one recognizes the signs. Isolation of this magnitude is NOT "controlling". It is abuse. If the abuser sees resistance, he may strike and strike hard. Get to a women's center or shelter or call a hotline and make a SAFE exit plan.


How sad that so many advise lying and deception in a marriage.


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## Volunteer86

OP, Can I ask how many guys you had been with before the marriage? And how many guys you have had flings with during the marriage? There is a reason why I am asking..


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## dazedandconfused4sure

EleGirl said:


> A lot of professional counselors/therapists suggest to never tell your spouse about infidelity. It's not uncommon at all and there is some wisdom in that.
> 
> I think you had the affairs to end your marriage. As someone else said, you love your husband on the one hand and hate him on the other for his controlling behavior.
> 
> If you tell him about the affair, if he does not throw you out, he will return 10 fold to his controlling ways. He loosened up over the last few months and look what it led to.
> 
> There is a strong preference here on TAM to encourage that wayward spouses tell the betrayed spouse about their infidelity. But there is little concern given here to the safely of the wayward spouse. As controlling as your husband has been in the past, I think that there is a safety concern here. There is no way you should tell him about your affairs. He used emotional/verbal abuse to control you in the past. What do you think that the next step is for control? Physical violence.
> 
> Has your husband ever been physically violent to you? Has he done things link broken objects in anger, banged on walls and maybe even put holes in the wall? Has he ever, in an angry outburst, hit you, grabbed you, choked you, twisted your arm, etc?
> 
> You are most likely better off just ending the marriage and getting out of this situation.
> .


I love your advice on both of your posts. You put a lot of things into really clear prospective. As far as trying to hurt my husband (mentioned in the second post), I actually haven't wanted to tell him at all. Once I read that article on why you shouldn't, I buried it. Other people mentioning that I should come clean is what has opened that back up to me, but I really have a feeling that would be very, very bad. That he would use that to hang over my head and do God only knows what. I too believe I may have started suddenly having affairs very abruptly to end the relationship. I think I've been so scared to go that I might have needed something too drastic to run away from. I feel like I may keep pushing myself from one to the other because one doesn't seem to be lighting a fire under me and then neither did the second. It's like I'm trying to push myself off the cliff and I'm still not budging. It's harmful behavior and definitely has the ability to explode and hurt a lot of people.

My husband has never been physically abusive. Well, when we were first together he did some things when he was drunk. He has been dismissive, hurtful. He has had some occasional outbursts but it's rare. He's sort of quiet in that area. I would say the most damaging thing he has done to me has been the control and isolating me. Definitely some things in the area of sexual abuse that has left me broken and upset in the past. Well, once or twice again recently as well. When his family is around he has the tendency to push me and the kids to the side and completely shut us out. I feel like we're his second family and that when his "real" family shows up, he could give a doody less about us. He has also always drank every single day. Recently I've been hitting the wine to try and cope.

It really feels like I need to get out. The only thing that stops me is the thought of seeing my kids part time. It's going to hurt so bad. It's going to crush me.


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## dazedandconfused4sure

Volunteer86 said:


> OP, Can I ask how many guys you had been with before the marriage? And how many guys you have had flings with during the marriage? There is a reason why I am asking..


I had been with a lot of people before my marriage. I honestly lost count. My husband was exactly the same way. We know everything about each other. I know his past, he knows mine. I've always been comfortable and confident in my choices in that area and at that time in my life. I'm comfortable with his as well. We were both single, we both got around.

In my marriage I've had a couple of emotional affairs. Someone mentioned me holding back here and I'm really not. I'm throwing it all out there. The "emotional affairs," nothing more happened or was said with my male friends then happened with my female friends. I latched onto them for friendship and attention because I was lonely. Someone to talk to - good conversation because there was no conversing of any kind in my home. Nothing ever went further than that. I only consider them emotional affairs because it was a deep friendship with people of the opposite sex.

Then BOOM - I've been with 4 people.

And I totally understand that people are reading this and some see abuse and me acting out. Some people want to "**** shame" me. I get it. I'm not the type to take any of it to heart because at the end of the day it's how I feel about myself. I'm just trying to feel through this with some help from some "friends." That would be you guys. 

So for anyone that has been respectful here and not heated, I truly appreciate your time. For anyone that has been heated here, please try and remember that this is not happening to you. There is no reason to get emotional with me. I'm not doing this to "you" and I'm here trying to figure out what the right thing to do is after doing something very wrong.


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## Volunteer86

OP, Thanks for being honest, you are in a tough situation. I understand you are being ate up by guilt, but I think confessing to him I'm not sure how that would go over as being as controlling as he may sound at times. I think you searching for something outside the marriage that he isn't giving to you in the marriage. Either way you are in a tight squeeze but also either way I don't think this is a way you want to live your life not being happy. How would he react if you told him you all should separate for some time? Besides a divorce I think that may be the only way to solve anything if that is a route you are wanting to go. That may give you each time to "reset" and get a clear thought before moving forward. Please keep us updated on the situation.


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## dazedandconfused4sure

Volunteer86 said:


> OP, Thanks for being honest, you are in a tough situation. I understand you are being ate up by guilt, but I think confessing to him I'm not sure how that would go over as being as controlling as he may sound at times. I think you searching for something outside the marriage that he isn't giving to you in the marriage. Either way you are in a tight squeeze but also either way I don't think this is a way you want to live your life not being happy. How would he react if you told him you all should separate for some time? Besides a divorce I think that may be the only way to solve anything if that is a route you are wanting to go. That may give you each time to "reset" and get a clear thought before moving forward. Please keep us updated on the situation.


Thank you so much for weighing in. I think you are right. That I should suggest a separation. It may help for both of us to get some clarity if we are apart. Maybe not jump straight from marriage to divorce. Take a little time to feel things out in between. It's hard for me to see the light or gain any perspective being this deep into this craziness that we've put each other in. He may decide he's over-controlling with me because of my past. As far as I know he could find out that he's more comfortable being with someone else that's less risky. That won't make him feel like he has no control. We both deserve to be happy.

I think when I suggest separation he is going to be very sad, although not surprised. I brought it up earlier in the year (divorce anyway) before any of this went so sour. He insisted on working it out and now we are in quite the situation. I should have stuck to my instincts back then. It could have been clean. I could have walked out with my head up. I begged him to go to couples therapy 4 years ago when I started working again and he was losing his mind over nothing. He wouldn't go. I begged for an entire year. Then I stuck it out for 2 years after that - said I wanted to leave earlier this year and suddenly he begged me to go to therapy. I just can't stand that he wouldn't work on it until it was this far gone and now I've gone and made a mess as well. I truly believe that we may have had a chance if he had gotten on board that many years back.

I will definitely come back and share how things go in case anyone happens to get into a situation like this. I know I scoured the internet for help. Everyone here helped me more than I could have imagined.


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## uhtred

PLEASE READ HER POST!

I don't think this is a thread about an affair, it is a thread about a woman trapped with an abusive husband. 

She needs to find a way to get out, not because she did something wrong but because she is trapped with an abused. 

Any issues of an affair are trivial to me in comparison with this. 





dazedandconfused4sure said:


> SNIP
> 
> This person did keep me locked away in our home. He took my vehicle and I was shut in and isolated for years. I didn't even have a car. I slowly pulled myself out of the situation by getting my degree online and then jumping into a career. It caused a LOT of stress in our home, me breaking free. Demanding to be free.
> 
> I feel like he might be controlling. I feel like this wasn't normal behavior. But it happened so slow, the entire thing just snuck up on me. One day I took a look around and realized I barely exist and that my life was gone. And he's so kind and gentle. I always thought an abuser would be scary and forceful. I'm dealing with something different, something that's very hard to call out. My entire marriage is extremely confusing. I don't know how I let any of this happen.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

This thread is the 12 tier cake of cake eating. 

OP, put your big girl panties on, the ones you were 'pushed into' peeling off for 4 separate men so he knows who he is married too, he can get tested for STDs and hopefully walk out the door. For the sake of both of you. 

Stop making excuses. Be honest to him.


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## sokillme

dazedandconfused4sure said:


> And I totally understand that people are reading this and some see abuse and me acting out. Some people want to "**** shame" me. I get it. I'm not the type to take any of it to heart because at the end of the day it's how I feel about myself. I'm just trying to feel through this with some help from some "friends." That would be you guys.


So you have had 4 affairs? You don't feel ashamed of that?


----------



## Bibi1031

You two were probably not marriage material when you two fell in love and married. He tried to keep you in check by controling you and you rebeled by cheating multilple times. That can easily grt fixed by divorcing and coparenting your kids. It is in your best interest to just divorce and get yourself into counseling. You will be better prepared for the type of relationships you may want to pursue in the future. 

Your kids have two parents thst love them and need to share time taking care, loving, and being responsible for their over all wellbeing. Don`t punish the kids by being selfish and wanting them 100% of the time and use that as an excuse to stay in a marriage where vows have been broken by both parents. 

If you are setting him free, you don`t have to make him privy to your cheating ways. That is something you need to explore with a professional to help you resolve why you did this multiple times. You are not stupid, you are human as with all humans, we make mistskes. The key is to learn from our mistskes and not hurt our loved ones with the bad choices we make. 

How old are your children? How well can you and their dad take care of them when the divorce is finalized? Can you two give them a safe home to live in when they stay with either one of you? I hope you think about their wellbeing now and don`t let fear get in the way of living your life while accepting that your children need both parents in their lives even if mom and dad don`t live together anymore.


----------



## sokillme

uhtred said:


> PLEASE READ HER POST!
> 
> I don't think this is a thread about an affair, it is a thread about a woman trapped with an abusive husband.
> 
> She needs to find a way to get out, not because she did something wrong but because she is trapped with an abused.
> 
> Any issues of an affair are trivial to me in comparison with this.


She admits to 4 affairs, I for one don't believe her story, I didn't believe it from the self serving title. No one is pushed into an affair. I DO believe someone who has boundaries poor enough to cheat 4 times will probably feel trapped when her husband who has been cheated on repeatedly doesn't trust her anymore and has to monitor her like a child. Frankly she should not be married to anyone.


----------



## dazedandconfused4sure

uhtred said:


> PLEASE READ HER POST!
> 
> I don't think this is a thread about an affair, it is a thread about a woman trapped with an abusive husband.
> 
> She needs to find a way to get out, not because she did something wrong but because she is trapped with an abused.
> 
> Any issues of an affair are trivial to me in comparison with this.


Thank you for pointing this out. You are right. After I went the first year not having a vehicle and being shut in, moved away from family and friends, isolated - I definitely felt like something was very wrong. It got so much worse after that. I have lived with this shame for years. I've been quietly embarrassed that I've let any of this happen to me. I haven't even spoken to anyone about it until now. I just kept trying and fighting to get my life back.

It makes me sad that people want to come into this thread to yell at me for what I just did, but I knew when I was honest and let it out that it was going to happen. I'm kind of surprise that after being abused for a decade that people would still go off on me for my recent actions. That's why I wanted to be in the women's forum. I thought I might find a little bit more understanding here. A little more focus on how I should move forward and less focus on shaming me. Thank you very much for your wisdom.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Uh huh. It's ok to endanger the health of not only your husband and father of your children by not admitting you have been sleeping around behind his back. 
Like having another mans baby and passing it along as his. Class act. Makes your life easier at his expense.

Just be honest. Tell him what you did and file for divorce.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Diana7 said:


> How sad that so many advise lying and deception in a marriage.


I don't generally. But I have some experience with abuse escalation...


----------



## Diana7

uhtred said:


> PLEASE READ HER POST!
> 
> I don't think this is a thread about an affair, it is a thread about a woman trapped with an abusive husband.
> 
> She needs to find a way to get out, not because she did something wrong but because she is trapped with an abused.
> 
> Any issues of an affair are trivial to me in comparison with this.


She also said that the last 9 moths he has been a very different man, so its not happening now.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Diana7 said:


> She also said that the last 9 moths he has been a very different man, so its not happening now.


This is a very common tactic when faced with divorce until control is regained.


----------



## Bonkers

Well if nothing else you sure got even with him for telling you to stay home all the time.


----------



## uhtred

I don't see any reason to not believe a posters story. Sure, someone could make up anything that they wanted, and then they would get inappropriate advice, but then what is the point. Might as well believe posters. 




sokillme said:


> She admits to 4 affairs, I for one don't believe her story, I didn't believe it from the self serving title. No one is pushed into an affair. I DO believe someone who has boundaries poor enough to cheat 4 times will probably feel trapped when her husband who has been cheated on repeatedly doesn't trust her anymore and has to monitor her like a child. Frankly she should not be married to anyone.


----------



## sokillme

uhtred said:


> I don't see any reason to not believe a posters story. Sure, someone could make up anything that they wanted, and then they would get inappropriate advice, but then what is the point. Might as well believe posters.


Really? She has dramatically minimized her wrong doing from the very title of this post. I mean after a bunch of pages we get 4 affairs? Is anyone surprised that a guy whose wife had 4 affairs is controlling? I'm not. 

The words "Pushed into an affair" and remorseful don't really go together. 

Her husband very well may be a jerk, but that isn't what her initial post was about. It was about the fact that she can't stop cheating. 

Besides that she must not be too worried about his controlling ways if she cheats 4 times. He is not very good at it. 

Some people just shouldn't be married.


----------



## sokillme

dazedandconfused4sure said:


> Thank you for pointing this out. You are right. After I went the first year not having a vehicle and being shut in, moved away from family and friends, isolated - I definitely felt like something was very wrong. It got so much worse after that. I have lived with this shame for years. I've been quietly embarrassed that I've let any of this happen to me. I haven't even spoken to anyone about it until now. I just kept trying and fighting to get my life back.
> 
> It makes me sad that people want to come into this thread to yell at me for what I just did, but I knew when I was honest and let it out that it was going to happen. I'm kind of surprise that after being abused for a decade that people would still go off on me for my recent actions. That's why I wanted to be in the women's forum. I thought I might find a little bit more understanding here. A little more focus on how I should move forward and less focus on shaming me. Thank you very much for your wisdom.


Just divorce him, stop cheating on him. You're not helping yourself.


----------



## chillymorn69

You have a job and can suport yourself why not just leave?

Whats stopping you?


----------



## uhtred

If my wife had 4 affairs I might divorce her, but I would not take her car away and prevent her from leaving the house. He is her spouse, not her father. He does not get to control her life. He gets to leave, and I would not fault him for doing so if he wanted. 



sokillme said:


> Really? She has dramatically minimized her wrong doing from the very title of this post. I mean after a bunch of pages we get 4 affairs? Is anyone surprised that a guy whose wife had 4 affairs is controlling? I'm not.
> 
> The words "Pushed into an affair" and remorseful don't really go together.
> 
> Her husband very well may be a jerk, but that isn't what her initial post was about. It was about the fact that she can't stop cheating.
> 
> Besides that she must not be too worried about his controlling ways if she cheats 4 times. He is not very good at it.
> 
> Some people just shouldn't be married.


----------



## Bibi1031

Bonkers said:


> Well if nothing else you sure got even with him for telling you to stay home all the time.


There is some hidden truth to this OP. There are several things wrong with your marriage. He didn't really control or isolate you without your consent; just like no one forced you to cheat multple times either. A good therapist can help you better understand why you can`t own or see the reality of what you live and how you react. 

He is not as controling as you say because you were able to get a degree to help you get a job and get you out of the house. A truly controling man would not have allowed that. He has issues trusting you and you appeased him by allowing him to think he had control, but your multple cheating shows a different story. Blaming others for your choices is clearly a sign that something is wrong with YOU. You have made some bad choices. It is time for you to understsnd why and fix all of that. 

I hope you find the courage to end this dysfunction and also seek professional long term help.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Or she could leave first before sleeping with 4 men AND sleeping with him.


----------



## Fozzy

Diana7 said:


> She also said that the last 9 moths he has been a very different man, so its not happening now.


And do you really expect an abusive controller to continue this short lived kindness if she fesses up to multiple affairs during the brief period where he's been kind?

She does need to tell him. After she's safely away from him and filing for divorce.


OP--you also mentioned a poly relationship. This would be an enormous mistake. Poly only works with a large surplus of trust in the relationship. It can't fix one that's already fundamentally broken.


----------



## Bibi1031

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Or she could leave first before sleeping with 4 men AND sleeping with him.


I agree she should divorce and leave, but the multiple cheating is a sure sign of something wrong with her. She needs to fix this along with allowing another person to isolate and control her.

She allowed it, just like she allowed herself to cheat multiple times too.


----------



## WilliamM

Nine months of good behavior does not make a man safe.

The prior behavior certainly makes it obvious her husband is an abuser. Will he kill her if she tells him about her affairs? Unknown, but he might. He might do things which would be pretty physical and very damaging. Abuse escalation as mentioned.

Have you been called to the hospital to help a relative when her husband broke her bones in rage over things which were not even nearly as bad as revealing an affair? I have.

What about that friend of mine who is crippled from the waist down because he was stupid enough to have an affair and got caught by her husband?

Violence is very real, and much more prevalent than people seem to think.

The Original Posters husband is an abusive controlling man. I would never trust him to not be violent. Violence is the best tool in a controlling mans toolbox.


----------



## sokillme

uhtred said:


> If my wife had 4 affairs I might divorce her, but I would not take her car away and prevent her from leaving the house. He is her spouse, not her father. He does not get to control her life. He gets to leave, and I would not fault him for doing so if he wanted.


I agree the two of them are toxic. Probably more toxic together.


----------



## WilliamM

Note she does a lot of blame shifting. She is far from innocent in any of this.

But trusting her husband to not harm her is just naive.

To the OP. You do have agency, or the ability to make your own choices. Note you were able to get a degree online. Your husband allowed you internet access while he forbade you to leave the home. His oversight, your gain. You used that access to further your own success.

Now you need to stand up. It is exceedingly hard. 

I stole my wife from a cult, which some call a religion. I'm not sure the people who fall prey to such things ...


----------



## pragmaticGoddess

I feel very sad for you.

Your husband has been abusive by controlling your movements and whereabouts is abuse. I don't condone it but I don't want to slap the label of domestic abuse on your marriage. Has he done anything else that is abusive?

I'm so sorry you misconstrued sexual harassment for something else. Your first affair partner kept pressuring you for dates and you went along. You had sex that felt forced. You gave into his harassment of you. That's bad enough but to top it off you had more affairs. Did you have these affairs as a result of being sexually abused by this work colleague as a way of getting your power back? Or are your affairs a way of acting from the sexual abuse you experienced previously? I think you need to see a counselor or a psychologist to work this out. 

Whether you stay in this marriage or not I hope you continue to work on your self-esteem.


----------



## chillymorn69

When he was controlling you if it was as bad as you say why didn't you leave then?

When you say you had no car did you have one before you married? Did you expect him to buy you one?

Something about this whole post just doesn't add up.

But I think your at least trying to better yourself by posting and asking for advice.

Hope you find the answers you need to have a fullfilling life.

Good luck in your journey.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Bibi1031 said:


> I agree she should divorce and leave, but the multiple cheating is a sure sign of something wrong with her. She needs to fix this along with allowing another person to isolate and control her.
> 
> She allowed it, just like she allowed herself to cheat multiple times too.


She needs to get out. Fixing comes later and is a long ass haul.


----------



## ConanHub

Get a STD test and into therapy. You are a screwed up pup.

No one made you do anything. You make really bad choices.

Get serious help quickly.

Your children need solid parents. Right now they have a flaky slattern and a controlling a hole as role models.

Please do everything in your power to change your half of that equation.


----------



## NobodySpecial

chillymorn69 said:


> When he was controlling you if it was as bad as you say why didn't you leave then?


The system of isolation is accompanied by many mental tactics to break a person down, not dissimilar but more insidious than say boot camp. Anyone with exposure to this sort of thing knows better than to blame the victim. That is terribly damaging and dangerous.


----------



## NobodySpecial

OP: IMO opinion, you will not be served by the advice of the general population who is uneducated to the effect of the mental abuse. If you are still around, please look for a abuse shelter or their hotline.


----------



## chillymorn69

NobodySpecial said:


> The system of isolation is accompanied by many mental tactics to break a person down, not dissimilar but more insidious than say boot camp. Anyone with exposure to this sort of thing knows better than to blame the victim. That is terribly damaging and dangerous.


I take offense to you attitude.

Its a question. A reasonable question.

Where is there blame in my question?


----------



## NobodySpecial

chillymorn69 said:


> I take offense to you attitude.
> 
> Its a question. A reasonable question.
> 
> Where is there blame in my question?


Feel offended if you want. The question has, as its answer, a hundred page book of experience as an answer and is the work of years to undo. It is core to the self worth lack that makes many victims stay.


----------



## Bibi1031

NobodySpecial said:


> She needs to get out. Fixing comes later and is a long ass haul.


Of course she needs to get out. I didn`t say she should stay or put herself in danger by confessing her transgresions. She does need to accept her choices and stop blaming others though.


----------



## notmyrealname4

/


----------



## Red Sonja

NobodySpecial said:


> The system of isolation is accompanied by many mental tactics to break a person down, not dissimilar but more insidious than say boot camp. *Anyone with exposure to this sort of thing knows better than to blame the victim.* That is terribly damaging and dangerous.


Yup, I get so tired of people blaming the abuse victim ... people who do this need to educate themselves on "trauma bonds" and the symptoms they cause in the abused.


----------



## manfromlamancha

OP, if you are still around, you need to know that this is not about shaming you but trying to make the situation clear to you.


You say your husband shut you in! What did he do ? Physically hold you down ? You say not - you say he would get sad if you left. You say he "took your car away" - how exactly did he do that ? He is not a violent person according to you yet you allowed him to take your car ? Why ?

You also say that not only did you (and he) sleep with many partners, but that you have a sex compulsion problem too which has not been treated in any way. Could it be that is why he is suspicious of you ?

You also say that you had emotional affairs during the marriage - could it be that this is why he is suspicious of you ?

You are making this out to sound like you are a battered or even mentally abused wife - yet the truth appears to be otherwise.

And most of all - you are not truly taking responsibility for your deceitful, cheating behaviour! You are definitely trying to justify it by appealing to everyone as an abused, battered wife.

You cheated 4 times - first it was due to the co worker putting pressure on you at work, the second it was due to you wanting to expunge the 1st experience etc and finally its all due to your husband not giving you what you need ?!?!?!

If this is genuine, then you must know deep down that you are a cheat and need to come clean.


----------



## Satya

I think you should leave your husband.
Do not have sex with him. 
Get STD tested. 
Get IC for yourself.
Never look back.

He may have been a jerk but I agreed with @EleGirl 's thought - I believe you cheated to end the marriage, if only in your mind. 

It's your choice to tell or not - and we'll have to accept your choice. 

I'd suggest you learn to stay away from controlling men in the future.

And learn if you are really and truly suited for marriage. I believe you may do better staying as a single woman. Then there's no worry about being controlled or giving up your control.

I do not believe you were forced into an affair.

You were ripe for an affair.


----------



## alexm

Some of the responses here are truly horrifying.

Should we feel sorry for her affairs? No, of course not. But at the same time, they are clearly the actions of a woman who doesn't currently know which side is up, and perhaps never has. Does she have issues of her own, possibly outdating her current relationship? Probably. That doesn't serve as justification for her husband's treatment of her, however.

What I'm hearing from many here is the old "well, she's not helping things any, so too bad for her."

Truthfully, this sounds like a horrible marriage from the start. But as any of us who have been in similar situations can attest to, the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" always comes after. When you're in the thick of things, it feels like there's no escape. And all too often, the bad is punctuated by good, which only serves to confuse one even further.

When it comes to mental and emotional abuse in a relationship, one usually tends to justify things in their own head as to why things aren't as bad as they really are. For many women it's "well, he doesn't hit me". That seems to be the line one has to cross to be labelled "abusive". That's categorically wrong.

My ex wife never hit me (well, once...) but that didn't excuse her mental and emotional manipulation and outright abuse of our relationship. During it, I chalked it up to her mental health. Anxiety, OCD, depression - none of which was incorrect. I held out hope that she would get better, seek help (she did... sort of) and that she'd "wake up" one of those days and we'd live happily ever after. It never happened, obviously. But at the end (and AFTER the end) she blamed it all on me. And I believed it for many years.

This post struck a nerve with me, because I was also somewhat isolated in my relationship, by design. And early on, too. Not quite to the level that OP seems to have been, but nonetheless. Mental manipulation, and playing on emotions (via guilt, for example) isn't difficult to do when you find someone (like me at the time... sigh) who is ripe to be manipulated. 

Countless apologies, "making it up" to me (often via sex), huge gestures of "love" - over and over again. Build me up only to tear me down. Bad punctuated by good, the old roller coaster.

Like someone (sorry, forgot who at the moment) alluded to above, it's like boot camp. Build you up, tear you down, repeat, repeat, repeat.


----------



## Ghost Rider

@dazedandconfused4sure, I've also been through a similar thing in my marriage, where my wife had a fear of abandonment that was so intense that I ended up being isolated from family and friends as well. I agree with @NobodySpecial - you do not need to tell your husband a damned thing. You need to leave him and go somewhere where you are safe from him. And then divorce him.


----------



## dazedandconfused4sure

alexm said:


> Some of the responses here are truly horrifying.
> 
> Should we feel sorry for her affairs? No, of course not. But at the same time, they are clearly the actions of a woman who doesn't currently know which side is up, and perhaps never has. Does she have issues of her own, possibly outdating her current relationship? Probably. That doesn't serve as justification for her husband's treatment of her, however.
> 
> What I'm hearing from many here is the old "well, she's not helping things any, so too bad for her."
> 
> Truthfully, this sounds like a horrible marriage from the start. But as any of us who have been in similar situations can attest to, the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" always comes after. When you're in the thick of things, it feels like there's no escape. And all too often, the bad is punctuated by good, which only serves to confuse one even further.
> 
> When it comes to mental and emotional abuse in a relationship, one usually tends to justify things in their own head as to why things aren't as bad as they really are. For many women it's "well, he doesn't hit me". That seems to be the line one has to cross to be labelled "abusive". That's categorically wrong.
> 
> My ex wife never hit me (well, once...) but that didn't excuse her mental and emotional manipulation and outright abuse of our relationship. During it, I chalked it up to her mental health. Anxiety, OCD, depression - none of which was incorrect. I held out hope that she would get better, seek help (she did... sort of) and that she'd "wake up" one of those days and we'd live happily ever after. It never happened, obviously. But at the end (and AFTER the end) she blamed it all on me. And I believed it for many years.
> 
> This post struck a nerve with me, because I was also somewhat isolated in my relationship, by design. And early on, too. Not quite to the level that OP seems to have been, but nonetheless. Mental manipulation, and playing on emotions (via guilt, for example) isn't difficult to do when you find someone (like me at the time... sigh) who is ripe to be manipulated.
> 
> Countless apologies, "making it up" to me (often via sex), huge gestures of "love" - over and over again. Build me up only to tear me down. Bad punctuated by good, the old roller coaster.
> 
> Like someone (sorry, forgot who at the moment) alluded to above, it's like boot camp. Build you up, tear you down, repeat, repeat, repeat.


I am so sorry that happened to you. When I read this, it was like reading about my own life. Yes, some of the responses here are really awful. I've chose to let in only the posts that are productive. I knew there would be quite a lot of people who would snap at the recent flings.

It has been a long, hard road. You completely hit the nail on the head when you mentioned "well, he doesn't hit me". The worse part is that I've been hiding all of these things from people. No one has any idea how isolated I've been... how I've been treated. He has pushed me so far over the edge that I have panic attacks constantly and will go through spurts where I throw up for days. We had one really horrifying experience in public and that made me realize that it's getting so bad I can't hide it anymore. It's spilling out of the privacy of our home.

It is funny on the flip side that some people in here don't understand or believe about my very recent and abrupt one night stands. I have literally gone 12 years with nothing happening, felt a little pushed into my first encounter about 8 weeks ago and then there have been 3 more that I willingly made happen myself. It's all very recent and very crazy. I feel like I'm acting out. Like maybe I want to get caught and get kicked out of the house. It's not the right way to do it but when I have mentioned separating in the past, he will not let me go. He gets very romantic... tries really hard, wants to take me on trips, give me things. Huge gestures and I've been so petrified to go that I allow myself to be sucked back in time and time again.

After all of these years I am a shell of a person. Everything I had that was good and wonderful has been taken from me. I don't know myself anymore. I've always been so kind and loving and giving. I always use to help people - I have been involved in projects digging water systems in third world countries. It's all gone. I don't even know that person anymore. If I tried to spend a Saturday helping at a food shelter, I would never hear the end of it. I have to be home on nights and weekends. His exact schedule, always. I'm so frustrated.


----------



## TAMAT

Please get yourself together if not for yourself or your H, do it for your children.

You are risking getting some horrible STD that can kill you, or getting involved with some psycho lover, in which case your children will have only one parent.

If you don't get yourself together there is a good chance your next H or SO will be much the same.

Tamat


----------



## uhtred

What control does he have over you? Do you have access to money? A car, or is there public transport in your area? Is it physically possible for you to get away?

Do you have family / friends you could stay with?

Are you sure he is not monitoring your web use?

I think your goal here should be escape, not in any way trying to save the relationship. 




dazedandconfused4sure said:


> I am so sorry that happened to you. When I read this, it was like reading about my own life. Yes, some of the responses here are really awful. I've chose to let in only the posts that are productive. I knew there would be quite a lot of people who would snap at the recent flings.
> 
> It has been a long, hard road. You completely hit the nail on the head when you mentioned "well, he doesn't hit me". The worse part is that I've been hiding all of these things from people. No one has any idea how isolated I've been... how I've been treated. He has pushed me so far over the edge that I have panic attacks constantly and will go through spurts where I throw up for days. We had one really horrifying experience in public and that made me realize that it's getting so bad I can't hide it anymore. It's spilling out of the privacy of our home.
> 
> It is funny on the flip side that some people in here don't understand or believe about my very recent and abrupt one night stands. I have literally gone 12 years with nothing happening, felt a little pushed into my first encounter about 8 weeks ago and then there have been 3 more that I willingly made happen myself. It's all very recent and very crazy. I feel like I'm acting out. Like maybe I want to get caught and get kicked out of the house. It's not the right way to do it but when I have mentioned separating in the past, he will not let me go. He gets very romantic... tries really hard, wants to take me on trips, give me things. Huge gestures and I've been so petrified to go that I allow myself to be sucked back in time and time again.
> 
> After all of these years I am a shell of a person. Everything I had that was good and wonderful has been taken from me. I don't know myself anymore. I've always been so kind and loving and giving. I always use to help people - I have been involved in projects digging water systems in third world countries. It's all gone. I don't even know that person anymore. If I tried to spend a Saturday helping at a food shelter, I would never hear the end of it. I have to be home on nights and weekends. His exact schedule, always. I'm so frustrated.


----------



## WilliamM

He has guilt. He has shame.

He has indoctrinated her into his cult.

People just do not understand. The methods cult leaders use to control people are insidious, and reach well beyond their arms. Bringing people back from being members of cults is tough. Very tough.


----------



## SunCMars

dazedandconfused4sure said:


> Thank you for pointing this out. You are right. After I went the first year not having a vehicle and being shut in, moved away from family and friends, isolated - I definitely felt like something was very wrong. It got so much worse after that. I have lived with this shame for years. I've been quietly embarrassed that I've let any of this happen to me. I haven't even spoken to anyone about it until now. I just kept trying and fighting to get my life back.
> 
> It makes me sad that people want to come into this thread to yell at me for what I just did, but I knew when I was honest and let it out that it was going to happen. I'm kind of surprise that after being abused for a decade that people would still go off on me for my recent actions. That's why I wanted to be in the women's forum. I thought I might find a little bit more understanding here. A little more focus on how I should move forward and less focus on shaming me. Thank you very much for your wisdom.



I was going to be 'one' of those people, reconfirming what you have already wrote. You cheated, you are bad...blah, blah, blah...

My advice?
.................................................................................................................................................
You were a bad lady. You were a traitor to your marriage, you broke your vows, your word.
You did fun things in a treacherous, naughty way.
.................................................................................................................................................

If you still love your husband and want to continue living with him to the end of life....

Keep your mouth shut about everything you exposed to us. If you tell this woeful tale to your DH, the marriage is finished.
Note: he may still find out, from someone else, from some forgotten evidence come to life. Be prepared.
...................................................................................................................................................

If you are still waffling on whether you want to stay married or not.....get divorced, saying nothing about the past.

This is after-the-fact advice,

Not popular, not 'Justice for All', based.

Just Sayin'

SCM- bruised and beaten by The Red Queen.


----------



## dazedandconfused4sure

SunCMars said:


> I was going to be 'one' of those people, reconfirming what you have already wrote. You cheated, you are bad...blah, blah, blah...
> 
> My advice?
> .................................................................................................................................................
> You were a bad lady. You were a traitor to your marriage, you broke your vows, your word.
> You did fun things in a treacherous, naughty way.
> .................................................................................................................................................
> 
> If you still love your husband and want to continue living with him to the end of life....
> 
> Keep your mouth shut about everything you exposed to us. If you tell this woeful tale to your DH, the marriage is finished.
> Note: he may still find out, from someone else, from some forgotten evidence come to life. Be prepared.
> ...................................................................................................................................................
> 
> If you are still waffling on whether you want to stay married or not.....get divorced, saying nothing about the past.
> 
> This is after-the-fact advice,
> 
> Not popular, not 'Justice for All', based.
> 
> Just Sayin'
> 
> SCM- bruised and beaten by The Red Queen.


This is solid advice and very wise words as well. Thank you for being so impartial.


----------



## dazedandconfused4sure

uhtred said:


> What control does he have over you? Do you have access to money? A car, or is there public transport in your area? Is it physically possible for you to get away?
> 
> Do you have family / friends you could stay with?
> 
> Are you sure he is not monitoring your web use?
> 
> I think your goal here should be escape, not in any way trying to save the relationship.


Thank you for your message. He moved me away from my friends and family. About 4 states away right after we had kids. I'm not allowed to have new friends. If I put enough cash to the side, I could make a break for it late January. It would be slow as everything of mine is tightly monitored. I have always wondered about him watching my phone... internet. He digs in things for sure. He's played fun little games when he finds anything he doesn't like on my phone, which could be as simple as my bosses cell number. He likes to ask me about things and see if I'll lie. I always tell the truth. Then he goes off on me anyway. It's such a mess.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

As for saying nothing about the past. 

It always good to lie to your partners about having sex with other people behind their back. So they can possibly pass along the gift that keeps on giving to others.


----------



## SunCMars

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> As for saying nothing about the past.
> 
> It always good to lie to your partners about having sex with other people behind their back. So they can possibly pass along the gift that keeps on giving to others.


Who can argue against this advice?
It sounds like I did and have in the past.

If one can cease and desist bad behavior and learn from one's mistakes then keep silent.
Lying by omission.

It is the least painful path for all.
Not morally right, likely left...straight off the cliff.

Her husband *[as stated here]* is a turd. I feel no compassion for him.

If OP is BS'ing us. Well, this would not be the first time, nor the last. 
I may mention 'baiting' us, too. To get some to be tolerant, to bend. And then to run off and snicker.

*The right thing to do, "EVERYTIME" is to divorce. Then date others. 
*
Right is not always practical. Her's, OP's case, is that.
Hell, that SOB may kill her, it happens so often, so fast.
*My beautiful sister was murdered at age 27 by a jealous BF. Oh, yeah.
*
I am that....practical...when it is someone else's goose being cooked.
Yep, hypocrite, embossed on my soul, on the soles of my running fast feet.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

She can move and tell him the truth. Today. His alleged turdness does not absolve her from being an honest decent human being. He has a right to know so he can get tested. Keeping him in the dark is BS.


----------



## WilliamM

Well, realize he has good reason to want to know about your phone. After all, you do cheat on him.

I never allow my wife any privacy at all. But I do encourage her to have friends, and to always keep in touch with her relatives.

Keeping secrets from your husband is just because you two are broken as a couple. He can't be trusted to treat you well with the knowledge he gains. You obviously can't be trusted, period. So the bit about him wanting to know about what is on your phone makes perfect sense.

You two are way beyond the point of being able to have a reasonable conversation about boundaries. 

If you feel you can do so safely you really should just put your paycheck into your own account, and file for divorce tomorrow. Stop cowering. But that means you cannot continue to be his wife. He wants a wife who cowers. If you feel you are not safe at home once you tell him you are leaving, then find a shelter and go there. But you two just don't make a good pair.


----------



## EleGirl

There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf

Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

* The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*
If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *


Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.


Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 


If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.


*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
​*Financial Plan*

Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*



 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 

​


 *If you leave the family home: *



Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

​ 
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name. 

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.
Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.
=========================================
Now about money

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.


----------



## EleGirl

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> She can move and tell him the truth. Today. His alleged turdness does not absolve her from being an honest decent human being. He has a right to know so he can get tested. Keeping him in the dark is BS.


Yes, AFTER she is away from him. That's the point... AFTER.


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## EleGirl

WilliamM said:


> I never allow my wife any privacy at all. But I do encourage her to have friends, and to always keep in touch with her relatives.


Do you really "not allow" your wife privacy? 

Does she "not allow" your privacy?


Or is it that the two of you have an agreement, as equal partners in your marriage of no secrecy?


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## WilliamM

EleGirl said:


> Do you really "not allow" your wife privacy?
> 
> Does she "not allow" your privacy?
> 
> 
> Or is it that the two of you have an agreement, as equal partners in your marriage of no secrecy?


In the haze of history, in 1978, she allowed a friend to seduce her. it hurt, but worse it led to my discovery of lies she had told me. And more lies. I was cruel for a couple years. She went to counseling. She was diagnosed as a pathological liar by a couple shrinks. It also came to light she had suffered traumas in childhood which led to her illness.

Mary has no privacy. I GPS track her. I call her often and check up on her physically at random times to make sure the GPS tracking is accurate. She checks in every few hours via text. I read her phone and her emails. 

Mary claims she likes it, and that it makes her feel secure for some reason. But, she lies, so how can I know? I cannot ask her questions. With the measures I have in place I never feel a need to ask her any questions.

I have never asked for privacy in anything. She can trust me completely. I believe in complete honesty. By that token I also believe in my being completely open with her about everything, all my accounts and information. She occasionally takes my phone and reads it, but that's all she bothers with.

Originally, in 1973, it was just a mutual agreement as equal partners that we would always share everything. After her affair in '78 as I discovered more about her I discovered I had to take a very strong leadership role.

I have always been extremely strong, or alpha. It does seem Mary chose me because of that. After we were married she expected me to take command of her, and I did not. Which I gather is part of why she allowed a friend to seduce her. Mary is submissive, and has trained me since then to be her Lord and Master.

It is very strange, actually, because we always advise other women to stand up for themselves.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

EleGirl said:


> Yes, AFTER she is away from him. That's the point... AFTER.


lots of people here are saying never.


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## NobodySpecial

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> lots of people here are saying never.


I think that is between her and her therapist.


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## SunCMars

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> She can move and tell him the truth. Today. His alleged turdness does not absolve her from being an honest decent human being. He has a right to know so he can get tested. Keeping him in the dark is BS.


OK..

I will buy that.
The fact that she serially cheated does not bode well for her future.

She secretly, surreptitiously, punished him for his abuse, by 'enjoying' strange men.
She got back at an evil man by being evil in reflex, in return.

Luckily, none of us has to clean up his and her mess.
And none here can wash her sins.
The Typist attempted, he failed.

Extenuating circumstances were laid out, littering our paths.
Trying to trip us up. Preying on our kindness and our lack of resolve. Allowing grey factors to enter our optic nerves, catch-22 pixels at a time.
I am going to reprimand The Typist. He loves women to a fault. 
We all have our weaknesses.

Except SunCMars- he is near perfect. However, he is not the dominant character in this, his life anymore. I am trying to keep him safe. And failing miserably.
Sorry.

transcribed by:
Lilith-


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## SunCMars

WilliamM said:


> In the haze of history, in 1978, she allowed a friend to seduce her. it hurt, but worse it led to my discovery of lies she had told me. And more lies. I was cruel for a couple years. She went to counseling. She was diagnosed as a pathological liar by a couple shrinks. It also came to light she had suffered traumas in childhood which led to her illness.
> 
> Mary has no privacy. I GPS track her. I call her often and check up on her physically at random times to make sure the GPS tracking is accurate. She checks in every few hours via text. I read her phone and her emails.
> 
> Mary claims she likes it, and that it makes her feel secure for some reason. But, she lies, so how can I know? I cannot ask her questions. With the measures I have in place I never feel a need to ask her any questions.
> 
> I have never asked for privacy in anything. She can trust me completely. I believe in complete honesty. By that token I also believe in my being completely open with her about everything, all my accounts and information. She occasionally takes my phone and reads it, but that's all she bothers with.
> 
> Originally, in 1973, it was just a mutual agreement as equal partners that we would always share everything. After her affair in '78 as I discovered more about her I discovered I had to take a very strong leadership role.
> 
> 
> I have always been extremely strong, or alpha. It does seem Mary chose me because of that. After we were married she expected me to take command of her, and I did not. Which I gather is part of why she allowed a friend to seduce her. Mary is submissive, and has trained me since then to be her Lord and Master.
> 
> It is very strange, actually, because we always advise other women to stand up for themselves.



I have no doubt.
No doubt whatsoever.

That our @WilliamM is a Martian, a kinsman to me.

A Martian never lets anyone go, for none, for any, for whatever reason. 
When a Martian marries a women, she is his. 
If she choose to stray, he takes her back and holds her so close, she can never make this mistake again.
*She does need to be trained. *The Martian is very patient and loving to his mate. But, very, very firm.
Only death will separate her from him.

And when dead, she will be placed in the ground, and he next to her when it is his turn. 
She will be his until her bones turn to dust, then to soil then to plant food.

There is no escape, there cannot be.
It is not permitted.
..............................................................


The Martian-


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## SunCMars

@EleGirl learned this lesson a few generations, a few incarnations ago. 
When she married my headmate, Ulysses, The Martian.

She is still bitter and fearful.

Knowing and fearing...she is still owned by The Martian.

They never let go of anything.
It is not permitted.

SunCMars- presently in chains.


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## 269370

dazedandconfused4sure said:


> This is going to sound very, very bad. I am in the most insane situation and I don't know what to do and I don't know what all of this means. I have been married for a decade and never had sex with someone else. The marriage should have ended a long time ago. I stayed through unbearable moments because we had kids so I didn't know how to leave or really even have the means to go. I put up with being locked away in the home and estranged from all of my friends and family. It was a very lonely and depressing couple year span for me.
> 
> 
> 
> I started working out of the home again and things got very rough in my marriage. I was told that I couldn't go out more than once or twice a year and a curfew was put on me for the times I was allowed. We were fighting so badly because these rules and regulations were never in place for my husband. He went out often and until he felt like he wanted to come home.
> 
> 
> 
> This year things finally came to a head and I started talking "divorce" early in the year. He started changing. Through all of this I never had affairs. He's been really awesome but this is for maybe 9 months in comparison to the 7 or 8 extremely critical years.
> 
> 
> 
> I recently got pushed into having an affair. I wasn't sure how I felt about it and this person was so dead set on making it happen. After some time I went out with him a couple times and I officially cheated once and then ended it. I felt terrible and guilty and crushed and feel like I broke my marriage. I've been living with this for months and some days it made me physically ill but I've been keeping it to myself because I don't know what it means for my marriage. I don't want to discuss it, even though I should have came clean immediately, until I know what is what. I don't know if this means it's over. I've done so much reading and I know what I was missing wasn't the sex, it was the fun and the attention. My husband has forgotten how to have fun with me and how to enjoy my outgoing personality. I have to act like a completely different person around him. He has always been so insanely jealous and controlling, when there was no reason. I know men will have affairs when something is missing and they do completely love there wives, just as I do my husband. I do still love him.
> 
> 
> 
> Since the first affair, it's like I've opened Pandora's box. I've cheated quite a bit with several other people. Same thing, one fling and then I stop. I'm having a compulsion control issue. I'm addicted to the fun and the attention.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm sure most will say "get out, your marriage is done" and that I killed it. I feel like I want an "open" marriage but I know that if I come forward with this, the marriage is over. One person wants a traditional (and over controlling) closed marriage and I feel like I want us to be polyamorous. We have a group here. It's something me and my husband can do together. I really wouldn't mind exploring this area with him. We actually talked about doing it a couple years back but I pulled the plug because he was only into both of us having a girlfriend. I mean, come on! What man doesn't want to have two women all the time. That's not even something I'm sure I like. He wouldn't reciprocate with us possibly pulling in another couple or another man. He is extremely sexual. I know he would be totally into doing stuff to me with another guy if he was respectful to me in the bedroom in thought (and he does get turned on talking about it on occasion), but when spoken about in actual plans to move forward, he got agitated and jealous over the idea. I'm not into setting up an entire new area just for him, again, in our relationship. The entire thing had always gone his way to start, it would be detrimental to the marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> On the side I also think maybe it's time to end our marriage. It's difficult because he is my friend. We have an amazing sex life and as long as I never want to ever leave the house and do anything at all, home life is great. Somehow he just stopped remembering who I am and stopped being my friend. He turned into one of those TV husbands that I thought I lucked out and didn't end up with. I'm scared and I'm confused and I don't know what I'm doing at all. It's like I've lost my mind.
> 
> 
> 
> Any advice would be appreciated like you can't believe. I need help.




I can’t quite make out: if he doesn’t allow you to go out more than ‘once or twice a year’ and puts a curfew on you when you do go out, how did you manage to go through several affair partners without him noticing it?

I also don’t understand the paragraph about insisting on a polyamorous marriage: do you find it ‘controlling’ of him that he doesn’t want to share you with other guys in bed? (Which you are doing anyway without his knowledge?) 
It doesn’t seem to fit a profile of an ‘abusive marriage’ somehow, reading about opening up a marriage.
When you write ‘locked away’ at home: do you actually mean he locks you inside a room somewhere or is it figuratively speaking?


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## 269370

dazedandconfused4sure said:


> This person did keep me locked away in our home. He took my vehicle and I was shut in and isolated for years. I didn't even have a car. I slowly pulled myself out of the situation by getting my degree online and then jumping into a career. It caused a LOT of stress in our home, me breaking free. Demanding to be free.



I really think it would be helpful if you explained exactly how he keeps you ‘locked away’ (are you physically able to go out?) and in what context he ‘took away your vehicle’.
It does sound like a lot of alarming words but I find it difficult to gauge the context.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370

dazedandconfused4sure said:


> Definitely some things in the area of sexual abuse that has left me broken and upset in the past. Well, once or twice again recently as well. When his family is around he has the tendency to push me and the kids to the side and completely shut us out.



Sorry, once again there are some words that potentially ring alarm bells...Do you mean he literally pushes you and the kids? (You also said he has never been physically abusive).
What kind of ‘sexual abuse’ are we talking about here exactly?

Can you be specific about you husband’s behaviour so that we could help? Perhaps what he actually does, rather than how he makes you feel, would help.

‘Keeping you locked’ and ‘pushing you and the kids to the side’: is this literal or figurative? It’s very important.



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## Bibi1031

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> lots of people here are saying never.


Can`t you see that their whole relationship is dysfunctional. He is no innocent, loving husband. She is no loyal, loving wife either. She doesn`t owe him anything quite frankly. The STD card is just plain old. They both slept around before marriage. They could be carrying sexually transmitted viruses since before they married that are dormant. 

She needs to get tested. If she caught something, then she most certainly should let him know to get tested, but not if she dodged the STD bullet. 

Get real here folks, not every cheater comes clean and not every betrayed is an innocent spouse. Everyones` sitch is a bit different.

OP has been a mess for sometime. The cheating is a symptom of what is wrong, it is not an isolated character flaw. She has been cheating for some time. First through emotional affairs and now through physical affairs. Her serial cheating ways are very damaging to HER!

Her blameshifting is also damaging mostly her as well.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Nothing old about the STD card. STD infections are actually rising in spite of sex education etc. Nothing old about someone giving you the strains of certain HPVs and getting uterine cancer. Or HIV or the suite of all the others. 

Reality is people who cheat are more likely to pass it along. They don't use protection and lie about their partners. That is one main vector of how STDs spread. Through lies and deceit. 

Ask those here on TAM who where infected by their spouses. Ask the guy here on TAM whose wife lied about cheating and the HPV she gave him resulted in oral cancer,. 

She had unprotected sex with 4 people including her husband. The theoretically reason being projected here is he is control freak who will hurt her if she discloses. 

Fine, leave him ASAP and just tell him he needs to get tested. Its not enough for her to test herself and say I am clear now I must not have infected him. Diseases with incubation periods don't work that way.


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## sokillme

I absolutely think there is the possibility that he is a controlling *******, but how trapped could she be if she was able to have 4 affairs? It just defies logic. If hew was a controlling ******* he was the most ineffective one I have ever heard of. The story doesn't fit the patterns I know and have experienced. By the way you all know I lived with my abusive step father for years so I know about controlling and *******s. 

Sorry I just don't believe her, there are too many tells in it for me, the tittle of the thread being the first one. Abused people don't usually have the self assurance to blame all their poor conduct on their abusers. Quite the opposite, usually their "poor" conduct (which is usually not poor conduct at all) is blamed on their feeling of not being good enough. This idea being harangued into their head over and over by the abuser infinitum.

Not sure what the point of talking about the cheating is anyway. If he is that bad she should just get away from him. She seems to agree with all of you that he is that bad, however she is not looking to get away from him as far as I can tell, only for you to provide reassurance for her affairs. Why is that? Is he just bad enough to cheat on but not leave?

Personally I think she should get away from him either way as the relationship seems toxic. He seems like a bad guy too. However I bet if he was on here we would get a whole other story, or at least a lot more to the story. Remember the thread went from, forced to cheat to I cheated 4 times in 2 pages of posts. 

Sorry I know that probably makes you all think I am an *******. Not the first time.


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## EleGirl

sokillme said:


> I absolutely think there is the possibility that he is a controlling *******, but how trapped could she be if she was able to have 4 affairs? It just defies logic. If hew was a controlling ******* he was the most ineffective one I have ever heard of. The story doesn't fit the patterns I know and have experienced. By the way you all know I lived with my abusive step father for years so I know about controlling and *******s.


They have been married for something like 10/12 years. When she was a SAHM he left her alone with the kids all day, without a car or other way to go anywhere. When he was at home, he did not allow her to go out.

Her affairs here only in the last few months... sound like ONSs... 4 one night stands. She's working now so it's probably easier for her to get a bit of time away from him.


----------



## sokillme

EleGirl said:


> They have been married for something like 10/12 years. When she was a SAHM he left her alone with the kids all day, without a car or other way to go anywhere. When he was at home, he did not allow her to go out.
> 
> Her affairs here only in the last few months... sound like ONSs... 4 one night stands. She's working now so it's probably easier for her to get a bit of time away from him.


Well then it looks like she nuked it from the sky. I doubt 4 affairs are going to make him any less controlling. 

Still not committing to believing this story but whatever, either way not a lot of hope.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Something doesn't sit right here. What kind of control does he have over you? You seem to be avoiding this question and many have asked it multiple times!

For example, what exactly would stop you from opening your own account, redirecting your salary into it and contributing to the house where you feel able to. What ever he then said to you, what would happen if you simply said to him "Fvck Off!" (or something to that effect)? Would he threaten you physically ? If not, then what ? When he plays those silly games, again, what would happen if you told him to "Fvck Off! ? 

See this bit is not clear at the moment. It would be easier to understand if he had some physical control over you and the solution would be to report him to the police and get a restraining order and have him thrown out.

But this mental control he has over you, I am trying to get a better picture of.

The sudden realisation that you exert some control over yourself by having random affairs is understandable but not good for you as others have explained. Mainly because it seems that you have abandoned morals in favour of having some control over your life, body whatever. Please explain why and how he has this control over you.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

sokillme said:


> Well then it looks like she nuked it from the sky. I doubt 4 affairs are going to make him any less controlling.
> 
> Still not committing to believing this story but whatever, either way not a lot of hope.


Slippery? I like this part from original first post, 

I'm sure most will say "get out, your marriage is done" and that I killed it. I feel like I want an "open" marriage but I know that if I come forward with this, the marriage is over. One person wants a traditional (and over controlling) closed marriage and I feel like I want us to be polyamorous. We have a group here. It's something me and my husband can do together. I really wouldn't mind exploring this area with him. We actually talked about doing it a couple years back but I pulled the plug because he was only into both of us having a girlfriend. I mean, come on! What man doesn't want to have two women all the time. That's not even something I'm sure I like. He wouldn't reciprocate with us possibly pulling in another couple or another man. He is extremely sexual. I know he would be totally into doing stuff to me with another guy if he was respectful to me in the bedroom in thought (and he does get turned on talking about it on occasion), but when spoken about in actual plans to move forward, he got agitated and jealous over the idea. I'm not into setting up an entire new area just for him, again, in our relationship. The entire thing had always gone his way to start, it would be detrimental to the marriage.

From maybe lets be poly to I need to RUN!


----------



## sokillme

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Slippery? I like this part from original first post,
> 
> I'm sure most will say "get out, your marriage is done" and that I killed it. I feel like I want an "open" marriage but I know that if I come forward with this, the marriage is over. One person wants a traditional (and over controlling) closed marriage and I feel like I want us to be polyamorous. We have a group here. It's something me and my husband can do together. I really wouldn't mind exploring this area with him. We actually talked about doing it a couple years back but I pulled the plug because he was only into both of us having a girlfriend. I mean, come on! What man doesn't want to have two women all the time. That's not even something I'm sure I like. He wouldn't reciprocate with us possibly pulling in another couple or another man. He is extremely sexual. I know he would be totally into doing stuff to me with another guy if he was respectful to me in the bedroom in thought (and he does get turned on talking about it on occasion), but when spoken about in actual plans to move forward, he got agitated and jealous over the idea. I'm not into setting up an entire new area just for him, again, in our relationship. The entire thing had always gone his way to start, it would be detrimental to the marriage.
> 
> From maybe lets be poly to I need to RUN!


Ha ha I know right. She wants a poly marriage has cheated 4 times but somehow he is a controlling bastard who pushed her into it. Hmm, maybe her asking for a poly marriage made him a little suspect of her hanging out with large groups of men (4 of whom she eventually cheated on him with.)

Are we even being serious here? How controlling could he be if she had the balls to ask him to have a polygamous marriage with him. 

Somehow I think for OP it's more (controlling) is just a substitute word for monogamous.


----------



## Bibi1031

sokillme said:


> Are we even being serious here? How controlling could he be if she had the balls to ask him to have a polygamous marriage with him.
> 
> Somehow I think for OP it's more (controlling) is just a substitute word for monogamous.


Or substituting controling once she cheated emotionally and physically multiple times because we all here know that cheaters NEVER rewrite their marital history right? 


Something is clear for sure; OP needs professional help and she should not be married at this point in time or in tbe near future. She is one hot mess. I hope she leaves the marriage, gets help and stops sleeping around and focuses on getting healthy first.


----------



## uhtred

Be sure to use private browsing mode when you visit this site. If you haven't been already, see if you just delete these entries from your browser. Assume that he is watching. 

Lots of people here are sensitive about infidelity, but I see this thread as begin about abuse. 

Getting out safely takes priority over everything.

Can you get to family?

Another thing to be cautious of. Some abusers will try to get their wives pregnant to trap them. One poster here was raped by her husband to get her pregnant. 

Maybe I'm over-reacting, but I'm very concerned about some of the things you are describing. 






dazedandconfused4sure said:


> Thank you for your message. He moved me away from my friends and family. About 4 states away right after we had kids. I'm not allowed to have new friends. If I put enough cash to the side, I could make a break for it late January. It would be slow as everything of mine is tightly monitored. I have always wondered about him watching my phone... internet. He digs in things for sure. He's played fun little games when he finds anything he doesn't like on my phone, which could be as simple as my bosses cell number. He likes to ask me about things and see if I'll lie. I always tell the truth. Then he goes off on me anyway. It's such a mess.


----------



## sokillme

uhtred said:


> Lots of people here are sensitive about infidelity, but I see this thread as begin about abuse.


The title of the thread is *Pushed into an affair - now I can't stop*, seems to me the thread started with infidelity.

By all means though OP 

DO NOT GET PREGNANT WITH THIS MAN!


----------



## uhtred

I can't imagine staying married to someone that I trusted so little that I had to monitor them. To me one of the great advantages of marriage is having someone you can trust and who can trust you. If you lose that, then you have lost a great deal of the value in the relationship.

I may be unhappy about our sex life, but I trust my wife absolutely. With money, with men, With anything. 





WilliamM said:


> In the haze of history, in 1978, she allowed a friend to seduce her. it hurt, but worse it led to my discovery of lies she had told me. And more lies. I was cruel for a couple years. She went to counseling. She was diagnosed as a pathological liar by a couple shrinks. It also came to light she had suffered traumas in childhood which led to her illness.
> 
> Mary has no privacy. I GPS track her. I call her often and check up on her physically at random times to make sure the GPS tracking is accurate. She checks in every few hours via text. I read her phone and her emails.
> 
> Mary claims she likes it, and that it makes her feel secure for some reason. But, she lies, so how can I know? I cannot ask her questions. With the measures I have in place I never feel a need to ask her any questions.
> 
> I have never asked for privacy in anything. She can trust me completely. I believe in complete honesty. By that token I also believe in my being completely open with her about everything, all my accounts and information. She occasionally takes my phone and reads it, but that's all she bothers with.
> 
> Originally, in 1973, it was just a mutual agreement as equal partners that we would always share everything. After her affair in '78 as I discovered more about her I discovered I had to take a very strong leadership role.
> 
> I have always been extremely strong, or alpha. It does seem Mary chose me because of that. After we were married she expected me to take command of her, and I did not. Which I gather is part of why she allowed a friend to seduce her. Mary is submissive, and has trained me since then to be her Lord and Master.
> 
> It is very strange, actually, because we always advise other women to stand up for themselves.


----------



## alexm

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> She can move and tell him the truth. Today. His alleged turdness does not absolve her from being an honest decent human being. He has a right to know so he can get tested. Keeping him in the dark is BS.


Two wrongs do not make a right, but there are some cases - and this would be one - where one's personal safety ranks above "doing the right thing".


----------



## alexm

uhtred said:


> Lots of people here are sensitive about infidelity, but I see this thread as begin about abuse.
> 
> Getting out safely takes priority over everything.
> 
> Can you get to family?
> 
> Another thing to be cautious of. Some abusers will try to get their wives pregnant to trap them. One poster here was raped by her husband to get her pregnant.
> 
> Maybe I'm over-reacting, but I'm very concerned about some of the things you are describing.


Yeah, this.

How about we all just err on the side of caution, instead of discussing - publicly - whether the post is real or not? It's completely pointless to do so, and I was under the impression it's against board rules anyway.

If it's not real, so what? Lots of great information has been posted in here that may help someone else down the road, or even now.

There are two types of people in this thread, currently - those who are triggered by infidelity, and those who are triggered by abuse.

Those of us who are in the latter category (and FTR, I'm in both) are concerned with her safety - yet I don't see any one of us excusing her affairs and general behaviour. It's abhorrent, and she knows it. But it's also largely besides the point, IMO. Bashing her for her infidelity only serves to make you feel better.

My advice - if you're only concerned with _her_ behaviour, this is not the thread for you, and you have tunnel vision.


----------



## Bonkers

WilliamM said:


> In the haze of history, in 1978, she allowed a friend to seduce her. it hurt, but worse it led to my discovery of lies she had told me. And more lies. I was cruel for a couple years. She went to counseling. She was diagnosed as a pathological liar by a couple shrinks. It also came to light she had suffered traumas in childhood which led to her illness.
> 
> Mary has no privacy. I GPS track her. I call her often and check up on her physically at random times to make sure the GPS tracking is accurate. She checks in every few hours via text. I read her phone and her emails.
> 
> Mary claims she likes it, and that it makes her feel secure for some reason. But, she lies, so how can I know? I cannot ask her questions. With the measures I have in place I never feel a need to ask her any questions.



I know you have accepted this extremely high level of distrust as "your normal" but damn, this is no way to live.


----------



## uhtred

I look at it this way:

The OP could be a bad person, cheating on her husband and then exaggerating his reaction. If so, we are not going to make her a good person.

OR

The OP might be in a seriously abusive relationship with a terrible person. Psychologically traumatized. In that case we might be able to help her plan an escape.


The second is so serious and important that I'm willing to work with that and not worry that the first might be true.


----------



## michzz

dazedandconfused4sure said:


> This is going to sound very, very bad. I am in the most insane situation and I don't know what to do and I don't know what all of this means. I have been married for a decade and never had sex with someone else.
> 
> ...


It does sound bad, yes.



dazedandconfused4sure said:


> ...
> 
> I recently got pushed into having an affair. I wasn't sure how I felt about it and this person was so dead set on making it happen. After some time I went out with him a couple times and I officially cheated once and then ended it.
> ...


Nobody is pushed into an affair, come on, own your decision to cheat.



dazedandconfused4sure said:


> Since the first affair, it's like I've opened Pandora's box. I've cheated quite a bit with several other people. Same thing, one fling and then I stop. I'm having a compulsion control issue. I'm addicted to the fun and the attention.
> 
> I'm sure most will say "get out, your marriage is done" and that I killed it.


Yes, you did kill it. On purpose.



dazedandconfused4sure said:


> I feel like I want an "open" marriage but I know that if I come forward with this, the marriage is over. ...


It is over, you just wan to do whatever you want. Why not just be single and have no obligations or a way to hurt your husband anymore.



dazedandconfused4sure said:


> On the side I also think maybe it's time to end our marriage.


Um, yes!!!!!!!



dazedandconfused4sure said:


> It's like I've lost my mind.
> 
> Any advice would be appreciated like you can't believe. I need help.


Yes, you have lost all perspective and judgment. My advice? get into therapy and leave your marriage. Maybe cut down on the destructive behavior while you are at it.




dazedandconfused4sure said:


> I had been with a lot of people before my marriage. I honestly lost count. ...


Part of the problem.



dazedandconfused4sure said:


> ...
> 
> Then BOOM - I've been with 4 people.
> 
> And I totally understand that people are reading this and some see abuse and me acting out. Some people want to "**** shame" me. I get it. I'm not the type to take any of it to heart because at the end of the day it's how I feel about myself. I'm just trying to feel through this with some help from some "friends." That would be you guys.
> 
> So for anyone that has been respectful here and not heated, I truly appreciate your time. For anyone that has been heated here, please try and remember that this is not happening to you. There is no reason to get emotional with me. I'm not doing this to "you" and I'm here trying to figure out what the right thing to do is after doing something very wrong.



I cherry-picked the answers you've provided y0urself on your own behavior and thought process. You know what you have to do--get out of this sick marriage.

Personally, if I were you? I would ensure my personal safety but tell him the truth of what you have been doing. own your behaior. Do not blame some guy's persistence for what you have done. If your husband is controlling, that sucks, but it doesn't excuse your own behaior.

I really see no point to the marriage continuing. especially since you have now decided to enjoy multiple affairs in secret.


----------



## TX-SC

Interesting situation. So, your husband was abusive because he wouldn't allow you to go out and have fun. Then, as soon as you had even a little flexibility, you had four affairs? This sounds so very 2017 to me. Men are ALWAYS the abusive ones, right?

Honestly, it sounds like you need to just pack up and go home to your family and friends. File for divorce and get what you can from him. Then you can go back to your premarriage days, party all night and have sex with lots of men. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


----------



## marriageontherocks2

It reads to me what you viewed as controlling was your husband setting up boundaries because he likely saw that what you call being "fun and extroverted" was actually his wife needing constant male attention. To be honest it looks like you really need boundaries or you're not marriage material at all. As soon as you convinced him that you needed less boundaries you became a serial cheater.

You don't seem emotionally mature at all, and you don't seem capable of any accountability.

No one pushed you to do anything.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

alexm said:


> Two wrongs do not make a right, but there are some cases - and this would be one - where one's personal safety ranks above "doing the right thing".


B.S. You can have personal safety and still be a decent human being by telling your partner you had protected sex.

You all are treating this guy like he is Hitler or Charles Manson, B.S.


----------



## 269370

I think one could get into legal troubles if you accuse someone of being 'abusive'. 'Being locked in a room' when it's not meant literally is actually a serious accusation.


----------



## dazedandconfused4sure

I just wanted to pop in here while I had a minute to get on my phone and say that I understand some people's confusion here. I have left the explicit details out of the abuse that I've barely mentioned because the things that have happened to me are so unique, if my husband happened to be on here reading about this, he would immediately know it was me. The things that he has done to me I haven't heard from other people, ever.

I have no need to lie on here. If I wanted attention and complete support, I can make a new username and put whatever fluffy story I want and feel all good inside with people supporting me. But that is counterproductive. I got on here and put 100% of the ugly truth so that I could get some real perspective on what is going on with my life.

This abuse started slow and very tricky and the second I had kids. I probably shouldn't even say this but I didn't just have one kid. I had twins. Overnight it was a situation where I couldn't just pick up and leave. It was overwhelming and scary and he turned into a different person the day we left the hospital.

A few people on here have reached out to talk to me in private and I want to say thank you to those people. They were willing to look past whatever Behavior I've had recently to give me some real insight. Because I don't know what is up and what is down. I never used to be immature in this area. After all these years I've gotten very, very confused. I don't even know what a regular relationship is.

I understand that some people see a person who probably needed to be controlled and the second I had some looseness did exactly what my husband would suspect. Me and my husband were the exact same people. I didn't do this to him because of his past. I went into this relationship thinking that since both of us had been around the block several times, we knew that the grass isn't greener on the other side. That we wouldn't leave because we thought they were some amazing experiences to be had. We had had it all and then chose to be with each other. I haven't been controlling and crazy because I have the confidence of knowing that if he left me, I would be okay. I could stand on my own. It wouldn't kill me. He's obviously chosen to go the other way.

Over the last 3 days I have started initiating divorce conversation. It is very obvious that our relationship is Dysfunctional at its very core. It has been really rough. But I'm sticking it out trying to do the right thing. I didn't get on here just to chat and have people argue with each other or insult or support me. I got on here for people to help me see through the clouds. To help me come up with a real plan of action so that I could put it into effect immediately. I really actually needed immediate help to make an immediate plan. Not to sit around and be a ding dong.

To the people that have reached out and given me some real insight and real empathy, I cannot thank you enough. It's going to be a long rough road but you have helped me immensely. I'm trying to stick to my guns past all the emotional games of his the last couple of days and get out of here and do this right. And then to get some intensive therapy and move on with my life and definitely not go into any other relationship until I find out what is wrong with me. Why I'm so co-dependent. To get my head on straight.


----------



## Chisox

You are allowing men including your husband to use and abuse you. Yes the husband is the head of the house but he cannot take his authority to the form of abuse. You were not forced into commiting adulty, you chose to do it. Pray for fortitude from God to stop being abused, and get your life back on track.


----------



## FieryHairedLady

That first instant of infidelity. It almost sounds like rape to me. 

OP you need some serious therapy and help.

I hope you can get the help you need. 

Best of luck.


----------



## EleGirl

@dazedandconfused4sure

The next few months will be hard. But stick to it and you will get through.

Counseling is a good idea for you as you will need to undo the damage done to yourself with all that has happened.


----------



## dazedandconfused4sure

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> That first instant of infidelity. It almost sounds like rape to me.
> 
> OP you need some serious therapy and help.
> 
> I hope you can get the help you need.
> 
> Best of luck.


I used that exact word right after it happened. I should have said something immediately. This feels like a Harvey Weinstein situation. That's actually what I've been calling him for weeks. When I said pushed, I meant pushed. He had been chasing me around for almost a year. Kept pushing and pushing. Said just to have lunch with him. When I would say no, he would treat me like crap at work. He would start to tear me down emotionally. I finally broke down and had lunch with him and he was all hands. I was really nervous. I won't go into the details because they are grim and I know people are going to say "take accountability." I can say, I said no to him the entire time, then I just let it happen. I should have screamed but I just froze up. I didn't meet him anywhere or go anywhere private. What happened was right at work. I shook for hours after, then days after. I wanted to say something but kept thinking of how my husband would FREAK out. Now I work with this guy and have to look at him every day.

The second person I chose to be with, I wasn't even interested in. I picked him because it was this guys best friend. Actually 2 and 3 were. I did a one and done with both and made sure he found out. When he found out, he freaked out and FINALLY has left me alone. I guess now I'm tainted goods. I kept thinking this had to do with my husband and his control but I think it was force, then me being vindictive and trying to get this guy away from me.

And believe me, I know this entire thread reads like I'm some kind of moron with no morals and have possibly lost my mind. All of this happened so fast. I can barely wrap my head around it. Now the company I have been seeking (only one other person) has been with a very close friend that make me feel safe and loved. I haven't been able to share this with my husband. I freaked out and have done such crazy stuff. It doesn't even feel real to me. Now I'm seeking any kind of love and support. I do need therapy and serious help.


----------



## EleGirl

The first guy who pushed himself on you is your boss? Is that right?

You need to find another job. Seriously, the entire situation where you work is problematic. It's probably too late for you to try to make a sexual harassment law suit because he will use what you did with the other men against you.

It's not unusual for a woman to act out after she feels that she was raped. Girls who have been sexually abused often grow up to be promiscuous women, at least until they do the work to handle what happened with them.

You need a new job and a new life (divorce). And you need to get into counseling for yourself.


----------



## SA2017

dazedandconfused4sure said:


> "....... He has always been so insanely jealous and controlling, when there was no reason. ..........
> 
> Since the first affair, it's like I've opened Pandora's box. I've cheated quite a bit with several other people. Same thing, one fling and then I stop. I'm having a compulsion control issue. I'm addicted to the fun and the attention. ......."


YOU ARE KIDDING, right? do you husband a favor and divorce him.


----------



## Rick Blaine

...


----------



## turnera

Posting just so I can see what happens. Not making any assumptions yet, and I have no advice but to get therapy. Soon.


----------



## Rick Blaine

Abuse is deal breaker and infidelity is not acceptable under any circumstances. Stop cheating on your husband. There is absolutely no justification for it.

Find a good marriage counselor. Most are not good so check references and do your due diligence.


----------



## FieryHairedLady

dazedandconfused4sure said:


> I used that exact word right after it happened. I should have said something immediately. This feels like a Harvey Weinstein situation. That's actually what I've been calling him for weeks. When I said pushed, I meant pushed. He had been chasing me around for almost a year. Kept pushing and pushing. Said just to have lunch with him. When I would say no, he would treat me like crap at work. He would start to tear me down emotionally. I finally broke down and had lunch with him and he was all hands. I was really nervous. I won't go into the details because they are grim and I know people are going to say "take accountability." I can say, I said no to him the entire time, then I just let it happen. I should have screamed but I just froze up. I didn't meet him anywhere or go anywhere private. What happened was right at work. I shook for hours after, then days after. I wanted to say something but kept thinking of how my husband would FREAK out. Now I work with this guy and have to look at him every day.
> 
> The second person I chose to be with, I wasn't even interested in. I picked him because it was this guys best friend. Actually 2 and 3 were. I did a one and done with both and made sure he found out. When he found out, he freaked out and FINALLY has left me alone. I guess now I'm tainted goods. I kept thinking this had to do with my husband and his control but I think it was force, then me being vindictive and trying to get this guy away from me.
> 
> And believe me, I know this entire thread reads like I'm some kind of moron with no morals and have possibly lost my mind. All of this happened so fast. I can barely wrap my head around it. Now the company I have been seeking (only one other person) has been with a very close friend that make me feel safe and loved. I haven't been able to share this with my husband. I freaked out and have done such crazy stuff. It doesn't even feel real to me. Now I'm seeking any kind of love and support. I do need therapy and serious help.


I am sorry for what happened to you. 

I do not condone cheating or infidelity.

But to me it seems you were raped and that what has happened since has been you acting out.

Not giving you a free pass or anything at all.

I really think you are going out of your mind and don't know how to process what happened to you.

The extra men may of been your way of trying to gain control.

No it is not right and you do need serious counseling and help.

As far as telling your husband even after the first instance, we don't know if he wouldn't of gotten abusive with you then, or now even.

Did you tell him this guy was on your ass for a year?


----------



## WilliamM

SunCMars said:


> I have no doubt.
> 
> No doubt whatsoever.
> 
> 
> 
> That our @WilliamM is a Martian, a kinsman to me.
> 
> 
> 
> A Martian never lets anyone go, for none, for any, for whatever reason.
> 
> When a Martian marries a women, she is his.
> 
> If she choose to stray, he takes her back and holds her so close, she can never make this mistake again.
> 
> *She does need to be trained. *The Martian is very patient and loving to his mate. But, very, very firm.
> 
> Only death will separate her from him.
> 
> 
> 
> And when dead, she will be placed in the ground, and he next to her when it is his turn.
> 
> She will be his until her bones turn to dust, then to soil then to plant food.
> 
> 
> 
> There is no escape, there cannot be.
> 
> It is not permitted.
> 
> ..............................................................
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The Martian-




After thinking about this post for a few days, I feel compelled to admit while I have threatened to leave my wife over this or that I admit I don’t believe I ever would have. Our relationship is pretty whacked, but it is our life together.

Without the slightest doubt I am certain Mary sees me this way, and sees our future together as forever and beyond. I believe it is true. I know if I had ever forced myself to actually divorce her over something, which I am sure was impossible anyway, I would have never been able to even consider seeking another love. There could only be Mary. 

So my bluster to others is hollow when I suggest just leaving. But I really cannot suggest the things I put Mary through when we went through our hard times. Any sane woman would have had me arrested. 

I do appreciate your posts.


----------



## LeGenDary_Man

dazedandconfused4sure said:


> This is going to sound very, very bad. I am in the most insane situation and I don't know what to do and I don't know what all of this means. I have been married for a decade and never had sex with someone else. The marriage should have ended a long time ago. I stayed through unbearable moments because we had kids so I didn't know how to leave or really even have the means to go. I put up with being locked away in the home and estranged from all of my friends and family. It was a very lonely and depressing couple year span for me.
> 
> I started working out of the home again and things got very rough in my marriage. I was told that I couldn't go out more than once or twice a year and a curfew was put on me for the times I was allowed. We were fighting so badly because these rules and regulations were never in place for my husband. He went out often and until he felt like he wanted to come home.
> 
> This year things finally came to a head and I started talking "divorce" early in the year. He started changing. Through all of this I never had affairs. He's been really awesome but this is for maybe 9 months in comparison to the 7 or 8 extremely critical years.
> 
> I recently got pushed into having an affair. I wasn't sure how I felt about it and this person was so dead set on making it happen. After some time I went out with him a couple times and I officially cheated once and then ended it. I felt terrible and guilty and crushed and feel like I broke my marriage. I've been living with this for months and some days it made me physically ill but I've been keeping it to myself because I don't know what it means for my marriage. I don't want to discuss it, even though I should have came clean immediately, until I know what is what. I don't know if this means it's over. I've done so much reading and I know what I was missing wasn't the sex, it was the fun and the attention. My husband has forgotten how to have fun with me and how to enjoy my outgoing personality. I have to act like a completely different person around him. He has always been so insanely jealous and controlling, when there was no reason. I know men will have affairs when something is missing and they do completely love there wives, just as I do my husband. I do still love him.
> 
> Since the first affair, it's like I've opened Pandora's box. I've cheated quite a bit with several other people. Same thing, one fling and then I stop. I'm having a compulsion control issue. I'm addicted to the fun and the attention.
> 
> I'm sure most will say "get out, your marriage is done" and that I killed it. I feel like I want an "open" marriage but I know that if I come forward with this, the marriage is over. One person wants a traditional (and over controlling) closed marriage and I feel like I want us to be polyamorous. We have a group here. It's something me and my husband can do together. I really wouldn't mind exploring this area with him. We actually talked about doing it a couple years back but I pulled the plug because he was only into both of us having a girlfriend. I mean, come on! What man doesn't want to have two women all the time. That's not even something I'm sure I like. He wouldn't reciprocate with us possibly pulling in another couple or another man. He is extremely sexual. I know he would be totally into doing stuff to me with another guy if he was respectful to me in the bedroom in thought (and he does get turned on talking about it on occasion), but when spoken about in actual plans to move forward, he got agitated and jealous over the idea. I'm not into setting up an entire new area just for him, again, in our relationship. The entire thing had always gone his way to start, it would be detrimental to the marriage.
> 
> On the side I also think maybe it's time to end our marriage. It's difficult because he is my friend. We have an amazing sex life and as long as I never want to ever leave the house and do anything at all, home life is great. Somehow he just stopped remembering who I am and stopped being my friend. He turned into one of those TV husbands that I thought I lucked out and didn't end up with. I'm scared and I'm confused and I don't know what I'm doing at all. It's like I've lost my mind.
> 
> Any advice would be appreciated like you can't believe. I need help.


I bear witness to the fact that some women have an unfortunate habit of portraying their husbands as inhumane monsters because they tend to mask their own insecurities and bad behavior in this manner. I am sure that your husband has a lot to say about you too. 

Not saying that husbands cannot be abusive, some are unfortunately.

However, their isn't a marriage which is perfectly pinky and rosy through its course. Difference lay in the fact that how you cope with the challenges and issues of your relationship.

I am married and my journey was far from perfect as well. However, I understood my responsibilities and tackled all challenges head-on. My story is of hope and I have a good marriage today, by the grace of God.

What some women perceive as controlling, others might perceive as setting boundaries. It is possible that your husband has a tendency to exhibit controlling behavior and you were uncomfortable with his decisions. Unfortunately, you coped with the pressures and/or challenges of your relationship in extremely poor fashion. 

Your posts suggest that the first incident of your 'sex out of wedlock' is arguably a case of rape. Per your account, that guy was chasing you for a year beforehand. My gripe with this revelation is that why did you not inform your husband? It seems that you were enjoying his attention or something of the sort. I am not ruling out the possibility of rape but you did not resist his advances in the manner you should have.

As a man, I can tell you it is not easy to rape a female colleague in current times. Even a man has fears that his transgressions might backfire. Only criminal-minded individuals would have no qualm because they hardly have a productive way of life regardless.

Anyways, my advice is that you should stop with your transgressions and confront your _DEMONS_. You need to be honest and upfront with your husband. You need to convey to him how you have felt throughout the course of your marriage and the incident with your colleagues. If you fear that your husband might react violently, then make sure that somebody really close to you is present at the time of D-Day in your home.

Your account doesn't suggest that your husband is violent-type though, rather flexible. 

I see no point in staying silent because your experiences will continue to haunt you and possibly push you towards additional forms of ill-advised behavior. Do seek counseling as well.

Time to act like an adult. Good luck.


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## Davidmidwest

Hi,

Someone is running scared for some reason. some tape from childhood or adolescenthood surfaced. You can stop it. You can tell why you are doing it if you read this book. What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal BY John Gottman P.H.D

Here is a life line, but both must want it...
Good luck
David.

You both need to listen to the audio CD book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. and all the mariage books by John Gottman, P.H.D. It will be the best thing you ever do for each other, Give love and appreciation as if you were to see your spouse the last time. You will get 100 x more love in return, It works.


These are the instruction manuals if you both love each other and want to be married to age 92. The day of marriage isn't the end goal, The end goal is what you are going to accomplish together. Look up the work Beshera and Marriage within a marriage in the book/read this one too...How to stop looking for someone perfect and find someone to love by Judith Sills,Book No more perfect Marriages; Mark and Jill Savage

What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal
byJohn Gottman Ph.D.

Customer Review
5.0 out of 5 starsMUST MUST READ, LISTEN TO AUDIO BOOK, AND DO EXERCISES. MARRIAGE DEPENDS ON IT.
ByDavid L.on February 13, 2017
Format: Paperback|Verified Purchase
A must read along with this 7 principles and 10 things. Every couple should listen to the audio book and read the book or get the books to do the exercises. They should learn these principles in this book and apply them. It is the hardest thing you can do is deal with feelings, ask for needs met that both win. It really could save a marriage and get both on track for a more satisfying relationship, intimacy inside and outside the bedroom. I wish I had this book before the last horsemen came to our house, "contempt." by that stage the relationship is done with no chance of recommencement. A must do before marriage and after. What I mean to talk to your spouse and lay it on the line is hard for wive's and husband's to communicate so close that you become one person. It's scary. There just be enough trust to share but you have to because it gets to the bottom of problems after emotions and feelings, then needs are met. You will feel naked, afraid, embarrassed, and maybe reconnect. Good luck. Another poster did not like the analogies. But the analogies about boxes, outside the zone, or where you close yourself off to your partner are good. The author explains why we close each other off, don't get close via emotional and sensually sexual to bond. The author tells us how to fix it. I would even say to Gottman's retreats and get a marriage counselor too to work through the issues that repeatedly come up and don't change. The three books I mentioned along with the Audio CD's is a must. Please buy them. It can save a marriage. It is amazing how stupid we act when a woman don't get the feeling of being emotionally close to her husband and listened to and a husband isn't admired and thought of a good man and provider. You will learn how to relate by learning opportunities tha build each other up and not tear down. Women bond due to emotional level that is given from the husband. The the husband provides an emotional connection which equals many lovable payoffs to a husband. The wife provides admiration and affection the husband. He will feel wonderful and provide multiple communicative and affectionate actions toward his wife in which she will love and reciprocate more freely.


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## sandcastle

Davidmidwest said:


> You both need to listen to the audio CD book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. .


That would be Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

Total fail. Dr. S is a scam artist.


Remember Light His Fire? 

Charlatans.


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