# When affection is no longer given or received



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

the desire for making love/sex (call it what you want) went out the window for me.


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## Sweet Equity (Oct 14, 2011)

I hear you. My hubby says he loves me and I know he still desires me sexually and I him but he cut out the non-sexual affection years ago in our relationship; I think out of anger towards me for something but I don't remember what. I soon followed suit when he stopped being affectionate without sex or when he stiffened up and made it awkward to even approach him affectionately. Before him, I never knew there was such a thing as a bad hug. A bad kiss, sure but hug? New Years Eve 2007 was the last time I kissed him "passionately" outside of when we have sex besides a handful of kisses on the cheek or quick hug after giving/receiving a birthday gift. That kiss was just so contrived and I felt like I was forcing him/pressuring him to kiss me after the clock struck 12.

I have tried to make him understand how important non-sexual affection is to me but so far there seems to be no compromise. His parents don't display any physical affection to each other from what I have seen. I know he loves me, I've read the 5 love languages and I see how he has shown his love to me by doing acts of service, getting me gifts, words of affirmation and sexual touch but we don't speak the same languages and the efforts to meet in the middle are one-sided on my part. My needs, being physical (though more non-sexual touching), quality time and communication aren't getting met but I am trying to be more aware and appreciative and reciprocal of the ways he does try to show me love.

Still, I know our sex life suffers because of my need for non-sexual affection being left unmet. Being touched makes me feel loved, connected, safe and loving and ah yes, sexual. Driving me around to run errands is nice and all but a kiss here, a warm touch there would do a whole lot for me in both the love and desire departments... they'd save time and gas money too . I do have a high sex drive so I am still receptive to those late-night "feel-ups" 99% of the time but find it next to impossible to initiate sex with him myself if I haven't had a few drinks beforehand. I just don't feel as connected and fear of rejection also plays a role too.

If you have any idea of how to reintroduce affection and physical touch in a marriage or get more advice here, I'd love to hear it. So far, the only thing that has sort of worked a little is exchanging back massages with each other but I tend to find myself more on the giving end than receiving.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I dont know why you blame his parents. You say he cut out this years ago that seems to me that he once did it. I dont have an idea of how to get it back but forcing him wont help. He has to enjoy it as well. You can start by improving the sex which he still does by putting more into it. This may lead to other things.


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## Sweet Equity (Oct 14, 2011)

accept said:


> I dont know why you blame his parents. You say he cut out this years ago that seems to me that he once did it. I dont have an idea of how to get it back but forcing him wont help. He has to enjoy it as well. You can start by improving the sex which he still does by putting more into it. This may lead to other things.


Sorry OP, I feel like I have hijacked your thread. 

Anyway, I don't "blame" his parents, but I do see how his parent's marriage has elements very similar to our own. His dad is passive and withdrawn, his mom is outspoken and aggressive. I'm more aggressive/assertive, he's much more passive and withdrawn. His mom is affectionate with the grand kids - gives them hugs, kisses etc. his dad is not physically affectionate with them but is still very fond of them and giving in many other ways. I'm also much more physically affectionate to our son, giving him hugs, telling him "I love you", a goodnight kiss before bed etc. He is more reserved but shows his love by doing things with or for our son and giving things to our son instead of touching him and saying, "I love you" everyday. 

Nobody's trying to force anybody to do anything here. He did display affection in the beginning. It wasn't as much as I would have liked but it was meeting my needs and frequent enough to help me feel loved and connected. He really isn't an overly affectionate man, not with his family, not with our son, not with me. I think he either cut it out to punish me or because it wasn't really important to him and he figured he didn't have to do it anymore since he had my commitment/got comfortable in the relationship. A lot of people stop doing the things that they did to attract their mate once they're comfortable - especially if that behavior wasn't something that comes naturally to them. 

Despite his lack of affection, we still have a pretty active sex life. I do try to initiate it with him but it is harder to do when your needs for affection, conversation and closeness in other areas aren't being met. Most of the time, I am not physically turned on before we start even if I'm thinking about having sex with him because all of those things that motivate me sexually are lacking. Foreplay before sex is also pretty scarce. 

Still, are sex is frequent and I do make an effort. I buy sexy lingerie and wear the lingerie he buys for me, I take turns giving and receiving, move, moan, have orgasms, try new positions, have watched porn with him and played along, role play, give him plenty of oral, tell him what I loved/enjoyed about the sex etc. etc. I have also done a good job at staying attractive over the years. I watch what I eat and exercise, wear plenty of skirts and dresses because I know he likes them, keep my legs shaved, "trim the hedges" how he likes, keep my eyebrows plucked, style my hair nicely, wear his favorite perfume and wear nice make-up. When we do have sex, he often compliments me on my body and how beautiful or hot it is and I often see him checking me out or giving me a wink after a shower/when I'm dressing or getting dressed so I know he finds me attractive. When we talk about affection he also tells me he still finds me very attractive so that's not an issue either.

If you have any advice about how to increase affection, I'd still love to hear it. So far, I'm going to hold my own self accountable for my own undoings and flaws, to fix those and also try to lead by example but it's very discouraging to get nothing back, time and time again.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Of all the posters here I think you have the least to complain about. I would suggest you let him initiate more. Give him more authority. Show him he is boss. Ask him his opinion more. it may help.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

accept said:


> Of all the posters here I think you have the least to complain about. I would suggest you let him initiate more. Give him more authority. Show him he is boss. Ask him his opinion more. it may help.


I disagree with you accept. I don't know if your male or female, but affection is extremely important to me. I need hugging, kissing, holding of hands, snuggling, ect... I asked for a little affection a few months back explaining to my husband it was extremely important. He now shows affection everyday! We snuggle up 1/2-1 hour every night while holding hands. My husband will now seek me out and cuddle whether I'm in the bedroom or livingroom. Our sex has been amazing with a lot of passion. Affection is just as important as sex. I need both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I am male. Again your last post proves me right!


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## Sweet Equity (Oct 14, 2011)

accept said:


> Of all the posters here I think you have the least to complain about. I would suggest you let him initiate more. Give him more authority. Show him he is boss. Ask him his opinion more. it may help.


I'm sorry you feel that way but I wholeheartedly disagree that my problems aren't sizable enough to matter. I'm not here to compete about marital issues, I'm here for sound advice on how to improve my marriage. Sure, there's no physical violence and as far as I know, no infidelity in my marriage but the simple lack of those things does not a great marriage make. 

I also haven't been here long enough or participated enough for you or anyone else to get a real grasp of my marriage issues or history, so it's a little premature to judge from my one original post and a few thread responses, how valid any of my concerns are.

I don't reject him sexually and I even make efforts to initiate even when I'm not in the mood out of a desire to please him. Letting him initiate really isn't a problem for us. 

The balance of power is, has and always will be in his favor in the area of family. I am an adult orphan with only a few extended relatives that I hardly ever see as they all live far away. His family and the family we've created are my only real family. He also is the main decision maker and "head of the household" regardless of whether I'm working and contributing financially or not. I defer to him all the time and respect his opinions and input and don't make decisions he is uncomfortable or unhappy with. 

Perhaps there is something to your advice about giving him more authority/respect but so far, being a subordinate hasn't encouraged him to make more concessions on anything.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I couldn't live in a marriage which was void of affection.
A loving touch heals so many of life worries/stresses, it brings tenderness and warmth into our (sometimes) harsh lives.

I remember my grandmother telling me the thing she missed most when grandad died was his loving touch, she craved to be gathered up and kissed and cuddled, she was in her 90's when she told me this. Touch is a basic human need, we are after all social creature...albeit some far more so than others.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SE,
Your desires are perfectly normal and totally valid. Your H should take them more seriously. Your desire for non-sexual touch is every bit as valid as his desire for sex. Your desire for foreplay is EVERY bit as valid as his desire to have intercourse/oral sex. 

Luckily my W and I are well matched - both like affection a lot. And while I like sex more than she does, she is a great W and meets me in the middle between her desired frequency and mine. To be fair to her, for the first part of our marriage she met me way more than half way on the sexual side of the house. 

As for sex - if she didn't like foreplay we wouldn't be married. Generally if we don't have at least an hour, I would rather wait until tomorrow. 





Sweet Equity said:


> Sorry OP, I feel like I have hijacked your thread.
> 
> Anyway, I don't "blame" his parents, but I do see how his parent's marriage has elements very similar to our own. His dad is passive and withdrawn, his mom is outspoken and aggressive. I'm more aggressive/assertive, he's much more passive and withdrawn. His mom is affectionate with the grand kids - gives them hugs, kisses etc. his dad is not physically affectionate with them but is still very fond of them and giving in many other ways. I'm also much more physically affectionate to our son, giving him hugs, telling him "I love you", a goodnight kiss before bed etc. He is more reserved but shows his love by doing things with or for our son and giving things to our son instead of touching him and saying, "I love you" everyday.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't know why some men do not get that women need non-sexual affection and touch. It's a kind a foreplay that puts thought in our heads and keeps us connected to our man.

I also do not get people who totally ignore their spouse when the spouse tells them what they need


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*I'm sorry you feel that way but I wholeheartedly disagree that my problems aren't sizable enough to matter. I'm not here to compete about marital issues, I'm here for sound advice on how to improve my marriage. Sure, there's no physical violence and as far as I know, no infidelity in my marriage but the simple lack of those things does not a great marriage make. *
I did not mean it like that at all. Everyone should try to better their marriage however good it is. 
What I meant is that many on here have it so bad and show such resentment that they are not positive at all. In other words although they are on here for advice have really given up.
*Perhaps there is something to your advice about giving him more authority/respect but so far, being a subordinate hasn't encouraged him to make more concessions on anything*
If that is the case then maybe you have to do the opposite. Without knowing you both personally its hard to know. Some men prefer one way some the other perhaps you talk to him about it.


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## Sweet Equity (Oct 14, 2011)

accept said:


> *I'm sorry you feel that way but I wholeheartedly disagree that my problems aren't sizable enough to matter. I'm not here to compete about marital issues, I'm here for sound advice on how to improve my marriage. Sure, there's no physical violence and as far as I know, no infidelity in my marriage but the simple lack of those things does not a great marriage make. *
> I did not mean it like that at all. Everyone should try to better their marriage however good it is.
> 
> Okay, thanks for clearing that up... but the thing is, my marriage really isn't good and this isn't the only other issue.
> ...



I get what you mean about resentment. There really IS a lot of resentment on BOTH sides as well as 'unforgiveness' however, the only reason I might come off the least bit positive is because I am trying to own my sh!t.

I left him last year and while separated, I realized, I did a lot to hurt our marriage as well and never took accountability for or tried to fix it before. I only saw the wrong he was doing. Now I am back trying to figure out how much of his poor treatment is as a result of my behavior or vice versa. I plan on fixing me and if that fixes "us" in the process that's great (and I do hope so too) but if not, at least I come out better than I came into this relationship.


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