# Dating after divorce: I'm trying too hard..



## uhaul4mybaggage

Have met and dated a few men since my divorce last year. This last one, I honestly fell in love with, probably too quickly, and he says he fell in love with me, too. But he is separated (with papers) and his d is due to finalize this month. I didn't intend to get involved with a guy who was "only separated.." but I let it happen.. and he wasn't looking for a serious relationship yet, he said. 5 mos in, and he suddenly shuts down, scared of his feelings, he says. Had introduced me to his kids (5 and 10) but now keeps us separate, like he's thinking things won't work out. Checks out on me. Why would he continue to tell me he loves me, and at the same time back peddle away? And how do I learn not to be so clingy? We broke up last week. I am trying to be realistic, but I hold out hope that someday down the road... Am I delusional? What is my best shot for reviving this later? He texts me that we were way more than just lovers. But he needs to walk away in order to heal (we both said/did some hurtful things.) I don't want to date anyone else. I just want to know if this could be saved one day. Anyone been there?


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## Unique Username

I'm sorry darling.

Probably won't be making a life with him.

You entered into a relationship with someone who wasn't divorced and not over the relationship and baggage yet.

Don't know what you both "said and did" that was hurtful....

Most counselors would advise 2 years to get over the baggage enough to not compare your previous spouse to the new guy.

He is a rebound.

Stand up, brush yourself off.
Date for fun - with no expectations.
Decide what things YOU want out of life and for yourself and put yourself in motion to achieve them.

It hurts. I'm sorry. When you aren't looking and least expect it you will meet someone who will love you as you deserve to be loved. To be loved well.

If it helps - make a list of all the things that you really didn't care for about him...that you sloughed off because you were in the fog of new love...concentrate on those and you'll realize that you dodged a bullet.

Sincere good luck to you!


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## lenzi

Guys admire, respect, and are attracted to women who are strong and independent. 

Clingyness kills relationships. Sounds like you were very insecure and it drove him away. As you got more attached to him, you got even more clingy. Guys often have commitment issues and when the woman puts on the pressure it makes us feel trapped and we back off. Doesn't mean we don't love you it's just that we need our time and space and when we feel like we're getting trampled by an insecure partner we get the urge to run. 

As the guy pulls pack, this usually causes her to get even more insecure and then she pushes even harder to try to fix things and gives us even less space as she feels us drifting away but of course that only pushes us further away and the cycle continues until we pull the plug and she's left devastated and wondering where it all went wrong. 

What can you do to possibly fix this?

Leave him alone. Don't contact him in any way. If he wants back in he'll come looking. At which point play it cool and deal with the insecurity. That's your problem, and if you don't fix it, it's going to plague you in every relationship you'll ever have. 

This whole scenario can of course be reversed between the genders, but I'm just calling it like I see it, since it has happened to me quite often.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

Both of you have been quite helpful. Thank you so much for your thoughts.


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## Jellybeans

Men are pretty straightforward. So if he told you he needs to walk away to heal, believe him.

That's the thing about dating people who are still married--it's not a good idea.

Chalk it up to an experience, be thankful for the lovely memories you created together and in the future, make sure someone is single. 

We can't help our feelings sometimes but it is in your best interest to let this guy go. He probably was nowhere near over his wife/marriage when he got involved with you.


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## Stretch

This might sound weird or pessimistic but I think having your first relationship after D and having it end and realizing you are OK is an important step in healing.

I think we all need to face our emotions with courage and confidence to set a good foundation for our any and all of our future relationshiips long or short.

Can you look at the situation and say that was fun, but I think this has run its course?

Be confident, be strong,
Stretch


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## Jellybeans

Stretch said:


> This might sound weird or pessimistic but I think having your first relationship after D and having it end and realizing you are OK is an important step in healing.


It's not "weird or pessimistic." It's called a REBOUND for a reason!


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## thunderstruck

*he wasn't looking for a serious relationship yet, he said*
At least he was honest up front.

*5 mos in, and he suddenly shuts down, scared of his feelings, he says. *
Honest...again.

*We broke up last week. He texts me that we were way more than just lvers. But he needs to walk away in order to heal*
The love texts need to stop. In you shoes, I'd say, "Okay, we broke up so you can heal. When you're ready, contact me, and we'll see what happens. Before then, I don't think we need to keep up the texts." I would then forget him, and move on with my life. 

*Anyone been there*?
I was somewhat in your guy's shoes years ago. I got out of a LTR by jumping into a rebound with a woman on her own rebound. It was great at first, but then she got clingy and started telling me how much she loved me. I wasn't ready, so I backed off and eventually nuked the relationship.


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## EnjoliWoman

Been there, done that. He wasn't ready, wanted time. It's OK - timing is just as important as all of the other factors in a relationship. You aren't going to be in the same head-space (or heart-space?) at the same time. 

You have to move on and agree texts have to stop. It's only going to make it harder. Odds are he'll heal and move on but by then YOU'LL be in a different place.


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## Jellybeans

thunderstruck said:


> *he wasn't looking for a serious relationship yet, he said*
> At least he was honest up front.


:iagree:



EnjoliWoman said:


> Been there, done that. He wasn't ready, wanted time. It's OK -* timing is just as important as all of the other factors in a relationship. *


:iagree:


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## hereinthemidwest

Timing's everything. Meet someone a year too soon and their not ready. Meet someone a year too late and their already in a relationship. Meet someone tomorrow and damn they just started seeing someone and they need to see where it goes. It's not you. It's not them. It's the TIMING.

You can't change timing. Sure you can back off. You can try to give it more time, but the truth is you have a clock in your life that's ticking too. You might not be interested a year from now. You may have your own thing going next month. Time waits for no one. If you try to force time to bend in your favor guess what: It never quite works out! Sure, you may steal a moment here or there, but sooner or later the bad timing comes back to haunt you. Time is a cruel. Time is gracious. Time is what it is. I'm not saying you should move on immediately, but if time isn't on your side in that new relationship not much else will be. Too often people... go against the grain and force things to work out when it's just NOT in the cards then they complain later because the outcome isn't what they expected or wanted. There's good timing, bad timing and great timing:

It's one thing to fight for love it's another thing to fight the timing. Time is a battle you can't win! 

Thats why I wont date anyone who's not divorced and been single one full year.


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## Married but Happy

He simply hasn't healed from the divorce. It has little to do with him being separated when you got together, and more to do with his process of getting over his marriage. Some people are ready to move on by the time they separate (I was), and some aren't. It depends on what happened before.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

"Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. -" Wow. True.

So, thanks for all the solid advice. My brain knows you're right. My heart ain't hearin none of it. I was in a really good place when I met him. I feel like this has set me back..years? I'm not contacting him. I resist the urge to go throw myself in his arms. But I listen to his station, even though I don't like country, because it's almost like a way of being close to him. I'm so f'd up. Between this and my sons, I just want to crawl under a rock.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

Married but Happy said:


> He simply hasn't healed from the divorce. It has little to do with him being separated when you got together, and more to do with his process of getting over his marriage. Some people are ready to move on by the time they separate (I was), and some aren't. It depends on what happened before.


This is true. Because he assured me he was over it, but he clearly is not. He and his ex-to-be still haven't told their kids it's permanent, and they've been living apart more than 2 years.


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## Jellybeans

Aww. Big hugs, girl.

You may have been ready but it sounds like he wasn't.

No, this w on't set you back for years. You had to get your feet wet at some point, right? 

In the future, just back off as soon as you hear "married/not single yet." 

You will be fine in time.


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## stillhoping

Last year, I was divorced, but not at all ready to think about a long term relationship with anyone. I was the one who tried to tell the guy that the timing was bad but I went along with it, it felt good to have someone to snuggle with, to take me out, to talk to on the phone late at night. But, soon, I knew the relationship was going to go no where, but I kept it going, because some of the time, it was like anesthesia for my pain. In the end, I disappointed a very nice man, because what I said, "too soon" and what I did (kept seeing him) didn't match and he went with what he wanted to hear. Tread lightly with your heart and with the heart of others. I care about him, but we won't be friends, that can't happen because he wants more


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## RandomDude

> In the future, just back off as soon as you hear "married/not single yet."
> 
> You will be fine in time.


Many women aren't following your advice 

Muwhahaha


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## Hardtohandle

My Ex wife was my rebound that lasted 19 years..

It had its issues without a doubt after we were married. We failed to address the situation properly. But it still doesn't take away from the fact that we lasted 19 years.. 

Current G.F. which is the 2nd G.F. after Ex is separated 2 1/2 years. I should be finalized within the month or following month. Its in front of the judge I was told, which is pretty much the last step in the divorce process. 

She felt no need to push for the divorce until we met. But without a doubt has dated a lot more then me in 2 1/2 years.. 

One of the best comments I heard from her was *"Oh no, I'm not putting up with all your sh1t and issues just to have you fixed and then have you leave me for someone else. Your stuck with me"*

Its a pretty good feeling to have someone like that in your corner. She can relate to some of my issues with the Ex and also dealing with children since I am the full time father to 2 boys, like she is of 2 girls.

As an example I get guilty feelings of going out on a Saturday night with her while my kids are home with my mom and older brother. Which is something she dealt with and told me was normal, but eventually you realize if you are looking to build a relationship you will need some alone time with someone. My Ex moved out and right in with the Other man that she met twice and spoke to via text and phone for 3 to 4 months. 

At least I am try to have some semblance of public normality by dating a while before taking it to the next step. Especially since my oldest gets it and understands.. I don't want them to think what their mother did was normal or okay to be honest.

Therapy and support from friends and family has been very helpful. 

I'm a bit torn in the sense that if you both know your short comings and can deal with them and accept them. There is nothing wrong with working through this stuff together..

Everyone is different.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

My divorce was final in January of 2012. I have dated 4 men since then, and this guy I am in love with is #5. Three were quick-fizzle relationships, one of which I am still friends with, but nothing else. Fourth I dated 6 months, but broke up with 3 times because I was trying to make it work when it wasn't right.

This separated guy has been living apart from his wife/kids more than 2 years. He has had 2 girlfriends in that time, each for about 6 months. One left him to go back to an old boyfriend, so he's gunshy about that. The other one also left him, didn't get the whole story on that one. 

So I am going through some shiznit with my kids, and I texted him today telling him I basically needed a shoulder/ear. He called me and we talked for a while. It's good when life throws curveballs to have someone to commiserate with. I have missed that so much, and I have missed being there for him when he has crap to deal with. He invited me over while he was watching his kids and we played with the kids and he gave me some great hugs. I know I can't rush right back into it, but at least I know he's open and misses me and maybe eventually we can patch things up. I know this sh*tstorm with my kids is only getting started, and I feel so much more calm knowing that we are back on speaking terms and I can talk to him about it. That is a tremendous thing for me. I like it when he leans on me, too. Just this weight has been lifted knowing I have him back in my life, even if its just friendship. I'm crazy about him, it's true, but if I have to reign it in and friendzone myself and just give him space, I will do that, because he's an amazing guy and worth the wait . And there is the risk that it won't pan out. I know. But I'm not afraid of risk. I like the odds less of finding someone else who I like even half as much. I just need to learn a little self control. Deep breaths. Lean back.


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## Deejo

I have experienced the 'hysterical bonding' piece several times while dating newly divorced or separated women.

It cuts both ways, and as others point out, in very general terms is an effort on behalf of that person to reassure themselves they aren't going to be alone, are still attractive, or the need to have someone close and to be intimate with. It's like a relationship security blanket. And if you can recognize it for what it is, and not let it overwhelm you, they can be very happy, healthy, and enjoyable.

Hell I'm used to them. I give them a kiss on the forehead and wish them the best. They are usually a blast for as long as they last. And that is important for you to understand ... they don't last.

It's like a vacation before going home and realizing you have a hell of a mess to clean up.

Could this guy come around? Maybe. But not if you try to stay 'in' his life. Cut him loose. Much like most of the other counter-intuitive advice given around here, this works.

If you try to stick around, he'll run further away, or eventually flat out push you away. Walk away with your head up and tell him to sort it out and give you a call someday if he does, and then move on, you will both feel better about whatever results follow.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I can't really understand how people, especially older people, can get so close to a total stranger so quickly, have sex, domesticate, sharing intimate details of life, feelings, etc. It seems to me that sort of thing takes a long time and is not something that can occur in a few months. I'm always really suspicious when someone wants to close ranks quickly. It's as though they have no concerns about whether the core values and needs in your life will be preserved in a relationship...just kind of weird. It takes me a long time just to be more socially/emotionally intimate with my friends, everything is a work in progress even after years...let alone a romantic/intimate partner...5 months to be in a state of "in love" and "attached" doesn't seem quite right. If kids are involved, the geometric complexity of the relationships is even more daunting in terms of success.

Maybe someone can explain how it's possible to attach to someone so firmly in such a short period of time? So much so to be crushed if it doesn't work out...

I would definitely rely on my established friends and family for support than a new guy I was dating. Hmmm, would I want a nice relationship with some sex and bantering and social time appropriate for the length of the relationship, or a shoulder to cry on? If you have problems with the new guy, and nobody to rely on emotionally but him, who are you going to go to for support. Oh, okay, people on the internet... yah, it's nice here on TAM, but really, everyone should make sure they are square IRL too.


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## Jellybeans

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> I know I can't rush right back into it, but at least I know he's open and misses me and maybe eventually we can patch things up.
> 
> Just this weight has been lifted knowing I have him back in my life, even if its just friendship. I'm crazy about him, it's true, *but if I have to reign it in and friendzone myself and just give him space, I will do that, because he's an amazing guy and worth the wait *. And there is the risk that it won't pan out. I know. But I'm not afraid of risk. I like the odds less of finding someone else who I like even half as much. I just need to learn a little self control. Deep breaths. Lean back.


Gah. Want to bang my head for you.

I have never been able to do "friends" with someone I like that much. Sh!t does not work. 

Good luck though!


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## Oldfaithful

I think you need to move on. Stop listening to the station, if you have him on social media take him off. If he texts you tell him you need space. 

The first heart break after a divorce hurts so bad. But it's a step in the right direction. Next time you hear a man say they aren't ready for a relationship, believe him! Say thanks and don't waste your time on something that isn't going to happen. You are worth more than that. 
Go for what you want. You want a relationship so only put time into men who want that too.


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