# Reconciling after affair, sex problems



## Lister (Jan 29, 2013)

Looking for help or advice. Sorry about the long post.

My wife and i have been working to reconcile after my affair was discovered two and a half years ago. We have both been frequenting the reconciliation forum and have received much advice and comment on the reconciliation process there. 

much of the reconciliation is going ok and we are in many ways making progress. i have taken ownership of what i did and understand the devastation i have caused and am trying to work to rebuild our relationship and build a safe emotional and physical environment for my wife. 

A major barrier though, which is threatening to destroy our reconciliation is problems with sex caused by attacks of what i can only describe as anxiety during sex. these lead to a failure to perform which devastate my wife for obvious reasons. 

i want to be clear i have no feelings for the affair partner any more, either emotional or sexual. i hate the thought of her now and wish i had never met her let alone had a PA with her. I rarely think of her and never fondly. I love my wife and find her sexually attractive. I have had no contact with the AP since the affair ended.

After the affair was dicovered my wife and i had loads of sex which i now know is not unusual (hysterical bonding?). but over time sex has become more problematic and increasingly stressful for both of us. We both want to reconcile and build a passionate marriage but this is preventing it from happenning and is devastating my wife.

When sex is quick and 'animalistic' there is no problem and I can perform with no problem although my wife understandably regards this as me emptying my balls and puts limited value on it. When we have more intimate, slow and meaningful sex things are fine for a while but then I hit a 'wall'. It pops into my head that i could fail and i start to analyse what is happenning rather than relax and enjoy. Then i visualise the failure and the implications (her anger and sorrow, my humiliation and withdrawl) which has been played out many times. She will tell me i had no problem having sex with the AP and had no problem having sex with her in the past. She will feel it is because i cannot let go of the AP and/or no longer find her sexy (which is not true). it is agony for us both but especially her and i truly hate that it happens. 

She also claims that since i realised (through reading as part of the reconciliation process) how important sex is to rebuilding the relationship i am using it as a passive aggressive weapon either consciously or sub-consciously. I have learned finally to be able to be honest about my feelings and motivations and am certain this is not true. I hate the pain she has been through and is going through and want sex to be part of the healing for us both. When we have successful sex it is wonderful and i feel wonderful and at peace, why would i not want this.

I have viagra which can be used to overcome the effects of the anxiety during sex but we agreed that i would tell her when i had taken some. As a result she feels humiliated if i use it as it means i am only performing because of the drug not because of my feelings for her. 

it feels like a vicious circle, the more pain it causes the more anxious i become. Apart from using viagra i don' t know how to break the cycle.

Maybe there are no answers other than for me to 'man up' and 'get a grip' (advice i have received before) and if it were that easy i would. 

Any thoughts welcome, even critical ones as i am well aware that my choice to have an affair was the route cause of this and am under no illusions as to my culpability and the devastation i have caused.

Thank you for listening.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What kind and how often do you do fun non-sexual things? Taking a walk, riding a bike, hiking, boating, exploring, etc....?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

As this thread is looked at and answered, you will get a variety of answers no doubt.

But many of the answers I suspect will be of this nature (and correctly I might add). That a man's performance and his feelings for his wife/lover do not necessarily go hand in hand. A man's performance is intricately and physiologically complex.

There is NOT a perfect correlation between a man's performance and whether he is turned on or not.

Most women do not get this. They take it personal, often when they should not. It's definitely something to look at and consider, but not to freak out.

I would suggest as the answers come in, share this whole thread with your wife.

And good luck to you and you wife.


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## Lister (Jan 29, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> What kind and how often do you do fun non-sexual things? Taking a walk, riding a bike, hiking, boating, exploring, etc....?


We spend time together that we never did before, but maybe not necessarily all fun, many just the mundane things of life. tends to be food related cooking and eating, eating out, cinema, occassional night out, watching tv programmes we both like etc. We could do more and certainly more fun things but both have work commitments of course, and family.


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## Lister (Jan 29, 2013)

Lila said:


> My husband went through a period of about a year. Mental anxiety caused him to suffer for a time with performance anxiety.
> 
> It all started pretty much like yours, though not for the same reasons; his was induced by overwhelming stress at work. Anyways, he thought about potential failure which resulted in failure. You can see where this type of thinking can snowball out of control. His anxiety got so bad that ED drugs had zero effect on him.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much for the advice, i will get the book and read up on mindful meditation abd Sensate Focus, sound interesting.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Lister said:


> Looking for help or advice. Sorry about the long post.
> 
> My wife and i have been working to reconcile after my affair was discovered two and a half years ago. We have both been frequenting the reconciliation forum and have received much advice and comment on the reconciliation process there.
> 
> ...


I'm going to add to this and the quick and "animalistic" where you have no problems in performing...

Most women act physically submissive around me when they are ones who want to be sexual with me.

So when I am allowed to initiate "as a man should" and as through human history man is physically more dominant and would seduce his blushing bride, when I am allowed to initiate and they "give in", the penis power is pronounced, no problems, gets right hard. Part of the stimulous was that she gave in to me.

I had an ex who wanted to play around with being on "top". I found it was not a problem as long as she did not want to be on "top" TOO OFTEN. You see she would have total control, and over time it caused me to lose control and feelings of power in my man unit. So sometimes a performance anxiety would come into play and it would not erect or erect fully.

Additionally since this person was in control, it would not hit my man unit in the way it needed to to keep it maximally stimulated.

So while a woman being submissive has never yielded a problem, and the more they were into me and wanted to "give" to me, the harder and bigger my erections where.

My current is not really submissive around me. Former D1 athelete in basketball, she does not really do that around 99.9% of people. She controls our sex act. 

Due to the way I'm wired it has repressed some of my sexual power and confidence. However she is able to engage and get me turned on, it is not more powerful than when I am allowed to control.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ouch! Ouch to both of you. I can see how this is playing havoc with your reconciliation.

I'm unclear why your wife wants to be told when you take a Viagara? From the way you explained it above, she wants to know but then uses it almost as a weapon, "see how much you continue to hurt me?" I can understand letting her know you took one so that the effects don't go to waste, but if this is how she feels about you taking a Viagara, she clearly needs more info on ED.

To Mrs Lister, BTDT. My husband has had ED for a solid 15 years now. I know it is extremely difficult NOT to take it personally, but that is what you HAVE to do! Do you really think your husband would be listing on here and working on reconciliation if he didn't want you? 

ED is like a snowball rolling down a mountain. When he worries, ED happens, the more it happens, the more he worries, the more he worries... This is not something he can control...at....al! If he could control it it would never happen. 

I'm sure your husbands affair knocked your self esteem to the ground, but what can he do to prove to you that he desires you and wants you? When will you believe him when he says that he does desire you and does want you and does want to rock your world. Understanding how performance anxiety interferes with his ability to maintain an erection, what can he do to help you understand and know that his lack of erection has no bearing on his sexual desire for you?

To both of you, I don't think Viagara is a good choice considering the precarious place your marriage is in right now. Think about switching to daily Cialis. Once you starting taking it you erections should return to normal and once you return to having mostly normal erections, your anxiety over keeping erect will dramatically lessen, which in turn will further promote a strong erection.

Until that time, when your erection isn't cooperating, pull back a few steps. You both give a quick acknowledgement why your pulling back and proceed from there. So if you were about to enter her, you acknowledge erection loss, then go back to heavy foreplay. Keep some toys around and start using them during sex. In other words sex should never stop because his penis is being contrary! With a vibrator and a nice sized dildo sex can continue and her world can rocked to heaven and back! 

Sex doesn't have to always include the penis or even the vagina! But it does have to include the desire to connect emotionally and physically, it does have to include intense pleasure for both of you and it SHOULD always include fun!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Lila said:


> My husband went through a period of about a year. Mental anxiety caused him to suffer for a time with performance anxiety.
> 
> It all started pretty much like yours, though not for the same reasons; his was induced by overwhelming stress at work. Anyways, he thought about potential failure which resulted in failure. You can see where this type of thinking can snowball out of control. His anxiety got so bad that ED drugs had zero effect on him.
> 
> ...


Anxiety, stress and pain can all affect your erections. Each one of these puts your focus and attention on them. your not supposed to focus on getting an erection to get one, you are supposed to relax!

As a wife, once he has gotten past anxiety, you can allow him to rebuild his sexual confidence which is part of the equation. I'd allow him to engage in sexual activities as he wants and also show a desire towards him and his private parts.

After a long string of successes and in being desired, and in relaxing and it does what it's supposed to, fear of not getting an erection will once again be minimized and he will be focused on getting it when he wants it instead.

I'd expect it to take 2-3 months at least to build up a new sexual confidence that is thick enough to take some ego stabs and let downs.


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## Lister (Jan 29, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> As this thread is looked at and answered, you will get a variety of answers no doubt.
> 
> But many of the answers I suspect will be of this nature (and correctly I might add). That a man's performance and his feelings for his wife/lover do not necessarily go hand in hand. A man's performance is intricately and physiologically complex.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the post. Not sure I will share it just now, things not great just now. It happened again 3 days ago and feels almost like a deal breaker. Hard to talk about it as we go around in circles. I try to explain what happens and she tells me how humiliated and hurt she feels and I try to explain it isn't to do with not finding her attractive or loving her and round we go again. Both exhausted I think.


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## Lister (Jan 29, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Ouch! Ouch to both of you. I can see how this is playing havoc with your reconciliation.
> 
> I'm unclear why your wife wants to be told when you take a Viagara? From the way you explained it above, she wants to know but then uses it almost as a weapon, "see how much you continue to hurt me?" I can understand letting her know you took one so that the effects don't go to waste, but if this is how she feels about you taking a Viagara, she clearly needs more info on ED.
> 
> ...


Thanks AP, she doesn't use it as a weapon, shouldn't have given that impression. It was originally her idea that I use it, I was reluctant as I am always suspicious of drugs , side effects etc. We agreed that I would tell her when I use it to avoid any deceit, more lies or trickle truthing which I understand. She wants to know the full picture which I totally understand. 

Thanks for the suggestions will discuss with her and find out more.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Lister said:


> Thanks for the post. Not sure I will share it just now, things not great just now. It happened again 3 days ago and feels almost like a deal breaker. Hard to talk about it as we go around in circles. I try to explain what happens and she tells me how humiliated and hurt she feels and* I try to explain it isn't to do with not finding her attractive or loving her* and round we go again. Both exhausted I think.


If anything to the effect that your affair wasn't about her, didn't mean you didn't love her, or wasn't about not finding her attractive _ever_ came out of your mouth in the aftermath of D-Day, I'd say that's part of the problem right there. Most WS's do try some tack like that, so it's likely. Even if you don't remember saying - or even hinting - it, it's likely one of the things that's burned into your wife's soul. In her mind, how could you doing something so unimaginably painful to her _not_ be about you not wanting her or loving her? 

From her perspective, your affair was entirely about you not wanting/loving her. And, I would guess that in her mind, there are probably a lot of practical reasons the two of you are still together that have nothing to do with you wanting her. So, now every time there's a performance problem on your end, she feels like the fool who took back a cheating man who doesn't even really want her, who's just sticking around for the kids/mortgage/retirement/whatever. It may be that every time you try to explain that your lack of an erection isn't about her, she's triggering and being brought right back to hearing you say your affair wasn't about her. Trust me, she didn't believe it then about the affair and she likely doesn't believe it now about the sex. Please know that this has less to do with what she logically knows and much more to do with what she feels. 

Are the two of you still in MC? If so, this is something that should definitely be brought up at your next appointment. It also might be time to seek out a sex therapist.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lila said:


> AP, Kudos to you for continuing with the sex after an ED episode. (this is a sincere :smthumbup.
> 
> I attempted this a few times but try as I might, I could not keep playing once DH lost his erections. He never had an issue getting an erection, but he would think about it and lose it during. And once he lost it, I would lose interest in continuing. To me, it was like having a bucket of ice water thrown on me
> 
> There was nothing in the magic box of toys that was going to bring my sexy back after that. My back up plan was always to cuddle with him or to give him a massage (nonsexual). Anything to release the tension from the ED episode and to relax him.


Well thanks. I think that's why his ed is no longer such a regular event. When it first started, it went from every now and then to every damn time for a full two years. We made ever single mistake in the book! I mean every damn one of them!

Being a greedy orgasm seeker has helped my H not feel like a failure because he can still rock my world even when his penis is being contrary.


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## Lister (Jan 29, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Well thanks. I think that's why his ed is no longer such a regular event. When it first started, it went from every now and then to every damn time for a full two years. We made ever single mistake in the book! I mean every damn one of them!
> 
> Being a greedy orgasm seeker has helped my H not feel like a failure because he can still rock my world even when his penis is being contrary.


Anon, when you say you made very single mistak in the book, what would you say are the key ones?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Woah...lemme try to remember them all... 

He did not ever reassure me and pulled away leaving me hurt and alone.

I couldn't bring myself to even ask if it was me, I was certain it was. Had gained weight, felt like hideous cow, couldn't even look in the mirror without crying. It was bad!(Such was the very bad state of our relationship at the time)

Eroticism was totally absent. Flirting, absent. Affection, absent. Loving words, absent. 

If he woke up with an erection, he would initiate and because I knew he was struggling, I went along with it. He could sometimes penetrate but would not be able to maintain. I would roll over and cry and he would get out of bed to shower, no communication.

Sometimes he would watch porn, get an erection, then come find me. Same as above.

He could start with an erection but the moment I touched him he would lose it. So I stopped touching him.

The last time we had sex for a two year period was when I was in the shower and he came in with an erection. By this time I knew not to touch him. I spread my legs, he barely penetrated me, he ejaculated, then I got out of the shower and moved everything into the guest bedroom where I stayed until I discovered that this encounter got me pregnant! Then I had to move back into our bedroom to make room for the nursery.

The baby was maybe 18 months when I forced him to the doctor ratted him out to the doc, who then suggested my husband go see a hooker! Not kidding!

We had a lot to rebuild. Our marriage looks nothing like it did back in the bad old days.


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## Lister (Jan 29, 2013)

Rowan said:


> If anything to the effect that your affair wasn't about her, didn't mean you didn't love her, or wasn't about not finding her attractive _ever_ came out of your mouth in the aftermath of D-Day, I'd say that's part of the problem right there. Most WS's do try some tack like that, so it's likely. Even if you don't remember saying - or even hinting - it, it's likely one of the things that's burned into your wife's soul. In her mind, how could you doing something so unimaginably painful to her _not_ be about you not wanting her or loving her?
> 
> From her perspective, your affair was entirely about you not wanting/loving her. And, I would guess that in her mind, there are probably a lot of practical reasons the two of you are still together that have nothing to do with you wanting her. So, now every time there's a performance problem on your end, she feels like the fool who took back a cheating man who doesn't even really want her, who's just sticking around for the kids/mortgage/retirement/whatever. It may be that every time you try to explain that your lack of an erection isn't about her, she's triggering and being brought right back to hearing you say your affair wasn't about her. Trust me, she didn't believe it then about the affair and she likely doesn't believe it now about the sex. Please know that this has less to do with what she logically knows and much more to do with what she feels.
> 
> Are the two of you still in MC? If so, this is something that should definitely be brought up at your next appointment. It also might be time to seek out a sex therapist.


I understand what your saying. In the period after the affair I told her that I did love the AP, told her I loved them both. It has been over time that I have realised that what I felt for the AP wasn't love it was pure selfish/ childish pleasure, all about me. Not sure if she believes that though, thinks I am trying to minimise the significance of the affair.

We are no long seeing a MC, the one we had was toxic and my wife won't try MCor IC. I've suggested Sex therapy but she says I don't need one, just need to overcome the anxiety, 'get a grip'. We 
talked a while ago and she is still angry but at least we talked a bit. She said she knows all about anxiety given what I have done to her, said she has found ways to overcome it so why can't I. She said she feels hopeless, said she feels she can never have a relationship where she can have intimate sex with her husband. Horrible to see how sad and alone she is. She thinks that it is too much of a coincidence that I am struggling with the most important part of our reconciliation and that it is the main barrier. 

We are reading a book called Passionate Marriage at the same time each night which seems promising in exploring sex in marriage but I don't think it touches on infidelity. Has been talked about elsewhere on TAM, hopefully it will help.


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## Lister (Jan 29, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Woah...lemme try to remember them all...
> 
> He did not ever reassure me and pulled away leaving me hurt and alone.
> 
> ...


Wow you went through hell but I'm so glad there can be light at the end of the tunnel, gives me hope. You should have reported that doctor.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lister, and stargazer,

I just read most of your thread over in CWI.

The ED at this point in your R is really tragic. So I'm gonna keep this short and to the point.

1. Take the damn meds! Get Cialis daily and take it! Don't give a crap about your squeamishness about taking meds, this isn't about you, it's about your wife. So get them and take them! Your affair pretty much destroyed your wife so your dislike of taking meds.. Tough toe nails buddy! Take em!

2. Bend over backwards to romance and eroticize every interaction with your wife. This means you make a study of all the words you can sing in praise of your wife's beauty and sexiness. This means that make sure you out your best foot forward to making sure she knows how often you think about her, what you think about her, and why.

Stargazer, if his penis isn't working, he can worship you with his other body parts. Time to see if his mouth and hands can talk and make you sing as well as his penis once did. Become a greedy orgasm seeker and allow him to pleasure you till you can no longer catch your breath.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Reconciling after affair, sex problems*



Lister said:


> I understand what your saying. In the period after the affair I told her that I did love the AP, told her I loved them both. It has been over time that I have realised that what I felt for the AP wasn't love it was pure selfish/ childish pleasure, all about me. Not sure if she believes that though, thinks I am trying to minimise the significance of the affair.
> 
> We are no long seeing a MC, the one we had was toxic and my wife won't try MCor IC. I've suggested Sex therapy but she says I don't need one, just need to overcome the anxiety, 'get a grip'. We
> talked a while ago and she is still angry but at least we talked a bit. She said she knows all about anxiety given what I have done to her, said she has found ways to overcome it so why can't I. She said she feels hopeless, said she feels she can never have a relationship where she can have intimate sex with her husband. Horrible to see how sad and alone she is. She thinks that it is too much of a coincidence that I am struggling with the most important part of our reconciliation and that it is the main barrier.
> ...


The affair showed her she was not (good) enough for you. As a person of course she is, but you wanted more. Now the problems in bed send her the same message. I feel sorry for her, her self esteem must be under attack for a long time now... It's your task to make her feel wanted again, also outside the bedroom. You messed up, you have the weight to mend things. If this situation continues, she will feel worse and worse and less worthy than the AP. Therapy wih a good counselor would be good for you both. Not every therapist will fit with you, not give up after one therapist.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Might me worth noting that if genders were reversed and you had a ww that was struggling with sex the men of the board would be saying that she's pining for her affair partner and that's why she's not into it. Your wife believes that you're pining for your wh0re and that's why you can't function for her. I use that term because that's how she thinks of it.

Also the part about how you loved AP and somehow now you hate her. I doubt your wife believes that for one minute. Right now you should be doing everything in your power to romance her and show her she's the most important person in the world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lila,

I'm pretty sure you left out a giant piece of this puzzle.

YOU

Once a man gets into this downward spiral, he needs a supportive wife. Very difficult to cure this faced with a spouse whose making it all about them......

He's a lucky guy. 






Lila said:


> My husband went through a period of about a year. Mental anxiety caused him to suffer for a time with performance anxiety.
> 
> It all started pretty much like yours, though not for the same reasons; his was induced by overwhelming stress at work. Anyways, he thought about potential failure which resulted in failure. You can see where this type of thinking can snowball out of control. His anxiety got so bad that ED drugs had zero effect on him.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lister,
Tell her you need the meds to get through an acute, but short term issue. And that you will steadily ramp down the dosage over time.

And then get a good quality pill splitter and start using fractions of a Viagra tablet. 

Maybe 3/4 to start and then slowly less. 

In the meantime you need to simply keep doing all those other things that let a woman know her H desires her. 






Lister said:


> I understand what your saying. In the period after the affair I told her that I did love the AP, told her I loved them both. It has been over time that I have realised that what I felt for the AP wasn't love it was pure selfish/ childish pleasure, all about me. Not sure if she believes that though, thinks I am trying to minimise the significance of the affair.
> 
> We are no long seeing a MC, the one we had was toxic and my wife won't try MCor IC. I've suggested Sex therapy but she says I don't need one, just need to overcome the anxiety, 'get a grip'. We
> talked a while ago and she is still angry but at least we talked a bit. She said she knows all about anxiety given what I have done to her, said she has found ways to overcome it so why can't I. She said she feels hopeless, said she feels she can never have a relationship where she can have intimate sex with her husband. Horrible to see how sad and alone she is. She thinks that it is too much of a coincidence that I am struggling with the most important part of our reconciliation and that it is the main barrier.
> ...


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## Willa (Sep 9, 2014)

This makes me very sad. I know you are trying to fight for your marriage but apart from having the affair or was a very stupid to tell your wife you still loved the other woman. Sorry for the harsh words. 
July 1 I found out my husband was having an affair but he didn't love her. He was being a selfish lustful expletive. He ended it the night I found out and hasn't talked to her still. 

We had a lot of sex after it happened but mostly because I blamed myself for the affair he had. I was pregnant back to back and had no drive or energy. So it must have been my fault. Then he promised to be romantic and change. He has changed but here I am still without romance. And sex is becoming less and less. 

Please take everyone's advice. Be romantic. Annoyingly moving romantic. She will reject you at first. She will ask why you are acting the way you are. But deep down she needs you to be her strong faithful prince again. 

If she Didn't love you she wouldn't be this hurt by it. And if you didn't love your wife you wouldn't have these problems.

I really do pray the best for both of you and one day you look at each other and think affair what? Or don't remember it at all.


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## maddisweet (Feb 3, 2020)

You have to see a professional psychologist if the problem is in your head.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Thread closed. OP has not posted in over 5 years.


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