# what do i do



## paul9430 (Jan 3, 2011)

i'm going to spit it all out!
a got a phone call last week from a woman who wanted to discuss "things" between our spouses. i went to see her and she showed me phone bills of her spouse he had text my wife 149 times in one month sent 10mms's and called her 14 times. there was in 3 months over 400 text messages. i spoke to my wife about this and she said they are just friends. when i checked her phone there was no texts send or received, she walks around with her phone on her at all times and its on silent 
i must state my wife goes to work and comes home on time and never really goes any where with out me or our children.
my personal opinion is that she has feelings for this man but has not acted on them yet
this is now eating me up inside
HELP:scratchhead:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

14 calls, 150 text messages don't seem too extreme to me... The fact that none show up on her phone would make me a little more concerned though, as that would imply she's deleted the messages. Did you mention that this other woman got in touch with you? Has she confronted her husband?

C


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

That woman should ask her spouse why he sms people's wife instead.

This woman is funny. Your wife said he's just a friend. I have a habit to delet my sms & mms everyday simply I don't want them to jam in my phone. Sometimes if I don't clean them up, I can't get sms.

So the sms & phone calls are not the problems. 

The problems are how much do you really communicate with your wife? 

How much do you really know her needs? 

Do you give her lots of love? 

Do you meet her emotionally needs?

If your marriage is healthy and loving, and the sexual life is great, you should trust your wife.

This woman failed to take care of her husband, now she wanted to complain that her husband contacted people's wife & make your wife look dirty, which is not true. You can't just trust that woman more than your own wife. 

Intead, if a husband would contact me, complaining about his wife constantly sms & called my husband & if he fails to present me good evidences that my husband has problems:

I'd tell him, "Listen, go & take care of your spouse properly," "My husband & me are doing great! My husband has no interests in your wife, it's your wife keeps pestering him!"

I would rather trust my husband than trust a stranger. It's his spouse has the problems by principle. I would protect my husband firsthand by principle, especially in public, talking to a stranger.

Then after we go home, I would sit & communicate with my husband with trust & love. I would inspect carefully to see if there're damages in the marriage, if damages are found, I will encourage him to repair them with me with love & trust. 

You are husband & wife. You're not 2. You are 1 acutally. Without her, you are just a half. You should protect her as well as you protect yourself. You want to open up your communication, allowing her to tell you everything. There's nothing shame that she can't let you know. You shouldn't make her feel shame to tell you anything also.


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## paul9430 (Jan 3, 2011)

we do have a good marriage and i dont wont to throw it all away but i'm worried that if i talk to her about this again she will feel i dont trust her i i feel i need more detailed answers from her i dont even know how i would bring this topic up


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

I'm no expert, but my H used to walk around with his phone glued to his hip, always on silent and pin code to access it....needless to say i found out he was having an affair(s).

he lied to me repeatedly when I confronted him, until I had concrete 'proof' that he couldn't deny, only they did he admit it because there was no other option. 

I suggest you go on the 'infidelity' part of this forum....there is very useful advice on there and people who have gone through / going through similar....they will have good advice on where to go from here.....

if I had been on that forum 2 years ago when I was initially going through that, I would have woken up to the 'classic' signs much earlier (but then again, I was in denial cos it was too painful)...

best of luck and please know that you'll get through this whatever....


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

also, just to say, agree with MsLonely....please don't ignore / deny the situation at the risk of offending your wife by wanting to discuss it further.....you need to have an open discussion about it, tell her your concerns, ask her if she is happy etc... if you don't feel you have all the answers you will suffer and feel resentful and those feelings are very destructive to your marriage in the longer term....


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Depending on the phone - you might be able to get a sim card reader that will show you texts - even deleted ones. 

If you can - I would also install a keylogger on the home pc if you're so inclined.

Set your boundaries and tell her that you're being open and honest and transparent with your activities. 

There is a difference between privacy (like going to the bathroom) and secrecy - hiding things from each other. 

This seems suspicious. Men and Women being friends with persons of the opposite gender usually don't end up too well.


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## paul9430 (Jan 3, 2011)

I have told my wife that i want to talk with her once the kids have gone to sleep i have given this allot of thought and read the replies posted. I'm going to be very calm but tell her what this whole episode has affected me. I'm sure if i don't do this soon i'm going to start seeing things that aren't there


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

paul9430 said:


> I have told my wife that i want to talk with her once the kids have gone to sleep i have given this allot of thought and read the replies posted. I'm going to be very calm but tell her what this whole episode has affected me. I'm sure if i don't do this soon i'm going to start seeing things that aren't there


They ARE there.
Don't think for a moment by sitting her down and talking to her calmly and rationally, that she is going to take ownership of her behavior. She. Will. Not.

You can make yourself utterly crazy wondering whether or not there is a real issue. Worse? If she is having an emotional affair she will look you right in the eye and lie - telling you that you are crazy and there is no issue. To me this is one of the cruelest and most insidious thing a disloyal spouse does. They use your desire to trust them, against you.

You are better served from approaching this from the perspective that your marriage ISN'T what you think it is. She isn't happy despite what she's telling you.

Don't tell her how this entire episode has made you _feel_. That's a no-brainer. And ... if she is having an EA, she simply won't care how it makes you feel.

Instead make it clear that you value the marriage. You value her. But tell her exactly what YOU will do if it becomes apparent that she is lying to you, and is in fact having an affair.
Forgiveness shouldn't be at the top of the list.

It should be concrete steps that you plan on taking as a result of being betrayed by your spouse.

Setting the expectation of what your plans are, instead of demanding that she share hers changes the entire dynamic.

The only way you get to feel better about any of this, is by the BOTH of you working at strengthening your marriage together. This of course is based on the premise that she isn't having an affair, and wants preserve the marriage.

If she continues to act indifferent or defiant. Keeps her phone with her where she didn't before. Is going out more. Steps away from you when taking a call. Changes her wardrobe, her physical appearance, or other parts of her 'routine' ... these are all red flags.

Best of luck.


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## SHARKY (Nov 30, 2010)

Deejo said:


> They ARE there.
> Don't think for a moment by sitting her down and talking to her calmly and rationally, that she is going to take ownership of her behavior. She. Will. Not.
> 
> Deejo,
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

SHARKY said:


> _Deejo,
> What a great post on your part. I am so glad I found this Forum when I did. It is post like this that keep me going day by day. _


I'm glad you find the site, and the input useful. I hope paul does as well.

Unfortunately, many, many, of us have already trod this path. I know about the disbelief, denial, heartbreak, pain, anger ... and most of all ... I know that you can come out on the other side, with or without your partner, to grow and learn more about yourself and relationships than you ever thought possible.

My one sentence sound byte if you want to save your marriage is that you need to be fully prepared to sacrifice it in order to recover.


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## paul9430 (Jan 3, 2011)

I think the talk went well our relationship has not deteriorated over time. the things that i thought weren't right will be rectified by both of us i seriously think we will be able to get past this. she still maintains that they are only friends and showed my her cell phone acc she hardly sent him texts and no calls to him i now think that they are just friends . she also said that our marriage is more important than any friendship


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My suggestion?

Don't sweep this under the rug.

Don't hold it over her head, don't be paranoid. 

But ... friends? Really? Has it not occurred to her that even if she is above board, that her friend who calls and texts her wants to get into her pants? She can't be that naive. YOU should not be that naive.

This guy's wife had a strong enough suspicion that this was more than platonic that she tracked you down to let you know. You would be ill-advised to simply dismiss that fact.

Wish you the best.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> My suggestion?
> 
> Don't sweep this under the rug.
> 
> ...


:iagree: What did the spouse say? Does her husband have a history? Your wife should be willing to cut contact if your marriage is more important. However don't make it a demand. It really sucks if it is nothing. Since you don't really know the state of this guy's relationship with his wife, or the relationship between your wife and this guy, it's hard to tell what's really going on. I don't want you to become paranoid, but also don't be naive.


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