# Where do I go from here? Need advice.



## nan809 (Aug 29, 2012)

Hi. I would love opinions, suggestions, feedback--just not sure how best to proceed with my husband who is still struggling with trying to make it work. He gave me the ISLYBINILWU speech almost a year ago last April. We have been in MC and are both seeing ICs; in fact we found our new MC in November and she is fantastic. Very pro-marriage, and my husband likes her a great deal, and for the most part agrees with her, but is still searching to find those feelings he wants to have for me. He is still ambivalent. She thinks we "have what it takes" and that we have a strong foundation and has been a huge help (at least I think so!)

We've been married for 18 years with 2 kids, twins, age 10.
We both work FT, successful careers.

My husband rented an apartment last Nov/Dec to have some time to himself. The kids never knew (he travels a lot and was able to keep it under wraps)--his intention though was to tell the kids in January and separate officially. After working with our new MC though, he decided to give up the apartment in December and try to work on things with me. The night he decided to stay was the first night we were intimate in a very long time. And he made the first move. It was great.

We have been intimate a lot since then, sometimes 2x a night. Very aggressive at times, sometimes tender, and he is all about pleasing me. It is confusing, although I am not complaining and I want him to know I am available to him. Sometimes he says he feels very guilty about possibly leading me on. I am just grateful that at least we are trying to connect in this way.

We have been having significant issues for the past 4 years--I have been withdrawn and angry, he's been frustrated and angry. I was dx'd with depression last year and I feel like i have my life, and myself back, with therapy and medication. I have lost weight, etc and feel like myself again. I am able to be the wife he needs, although for him it might be too late. There has not been any infidelity but instead we had grown apart--dangerously disconnected. He tried like hell to get through to me, and I was really struggling. Hence his ambivalence now. A part of him doesn't trust that I will live up to what I am saying now. And I don't blame him for thinking that.

We have had our share of challenges: child with special needs, infertility, family stress on his side. My career is demanding and I was also running things at home and with the kids. It has been overwhelming at times and I refused to get help because I am a pain in the a** and insist on doing things myself (addressing that in therapy-- I've come a long way.)

Even despite our problems with communicating and withdrawing from each other and focusing (me) primarily on the kids, we have a lot to be proud of: great kids, involved in the community, stable home, very active, lots of family vacations, etc.

How can I best support him as he continues to struggle? Have any of you been able to get feelings back, or fall back in love over time? I'm just not sure how to proceed--do I just let him try and sort it out on his own? I just don't want him to think I am withdrawing again. i can't force him to fall in love with me but he doesn't seem entirely ready to throw in the towel (knock wood.) He says he would be gone if he didn't think "we had a snowball's chance in hell of making it." He comes from a divorce and intellectually doesn't want a divorce but emotionally he does not know what would be best.

thank you


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Is he having an A?
Sorry but all the signs are there.
You need to do a bit of investigating even if its to rule it out.
He also sounds like he has classic MLC symptoms.


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## nan809 (Aug 29, 2012)

I know. He denies up and down that there isn't an affair but I am guessing there was an emotional affair awhile back. I definitely think it's a MLC. Do I just wait it out? Or cut the cord and have him deal with his decision. Today I am feeling empowered and ready to let go, yesterday I was a mess.

thx for responding.


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