# And with the truth comes relief....



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

....and true break up never to be fixed. No more 'on/offs', No more what if's. 

I finally got the truth....or at least as much truth as I need.

The final lie uncovered was last week, Tues. I gave the finishing speech on Weds. 

The more lies they tell, the more likely they are to get found out. 

And so, yesterday I had my tearful ex asking if I could look after his daughter (she is in crisis and has been since January. I also haven't seen her since then. It has been very very worrying). He pulled her out of school and he couldn't get hold of her mum, and he had to work. She was happy to be with me, which considering she 'hates' me (only child, jealous etc) was a real breakthrough. Though too late to really mean anything as me and her dad are split. 

Today he drops something at my house for me, and is in a total state. Heart palpitations and everything. Worrying about his daughter. Said he wanted to tell me how much he loves me before he has a heart attack! I end up calling his boss (a mutual friend, and I couldn't take him due to important appointments) to take him to docs or hospital. He is taken to hospital. 

I am there for him, I text his mum, his ex who is mother of his daughter etc. Calling him to find out test results etc. Tell him to come back to mine so I can look after him. He calls and tells me he is out, results fine, and he'll call me when home. He calls but I am unaware, I am on mobile phone, he calls landline and speaks to my daughter. Says he'll call in a bit. 

No call. 

I call him. Text. Start to get very worried. Text his daughters mum. Text his friend. Call his friend. Talk to his friend. Frantic by this time. Very worried about him.

His friend saw him earlier, on way to pub. I'm saying how he shouldn't be drinking, he just got out of hosp, heart palpitations all day. 

We end up talking about the week before. I had called my man (ex of 2 days at this point) at 9.30pm. He had said he would get back to me at 6pm to answer my question of sticking to business plans that wknd. So, I call. He was with friends, and this friend too. This friend took phone and said something to me that was a total wind up and I let loose with the venting over text. I was very angry due to his insensitivity. So, we spoke about it.

Turns out that he said the wind up was due to my man (ex) being on his phone texting me all night (5.30-6.00 onwards) like he usually does on a fall out. Thing is, I never had contact with him from 5.38, til I called him at 9.40pm to get his answer. And the texting all night like he usually does on a fall out? That hasn't happened for a long time, and it has been an infrequent occurrence. His friend says it happens frequently!

And today? After I looked after his daughter yesterday, after I looked after him and made sure he got to hospital? After he said he would call me when he returns? Still nothing and it is now 12.30am! He should have called me about 6 hours ago! 

A few other things came out tonight too.

He has never been faithful to anyone, and fully acknowledges this to his friend! His friend truly believes he has tried so hard with me, and tried to change, and loves me a lot. I put him right on a few things.

Oh what time wasted. But my, would I have changed it for the education I have gained? I don't know. I think maybe not.

If I had listened to my gut, my instincts, those little signs that tell you exactly what, I would never had needed any 'truth'. 

Just a vent. I don't know if I will sleep tonight. I am mildly fuming.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Is there really any point in trying to find out who this woman is? I would sure as hell like to know. Because this is no chance someone new! This is someone he was texting ALL evening just 2 days after we split.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Finally heard from him at 12.45 saying he called me (?!!!!! he did not! He spoke to my daughter and then off radar!) and that he just got in having got a pizza on way home. He left pub before last orders (11.30), got pizza, and just about to text me....He refused to tell me what time he left the pub giving the loud and clear 'I don't know' standard answer! 

Oh, he is such an ass hole. He just doesn't realise how much of one I know he is....Just yet....

Though I think tomorrow will be the 'I need to see your phone' (to see who the communication was with last Weds), he won't give it, and then dark. Forever.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Ugh. Just painful.

I had a relationship like this once. The man brought out a woman in me that none of my friends and family would ever have thought existed. I believe he actually did love me in the only way he could, but he could never be the decent person that I could love and respect completely. There was just too much lying and deception. He eventually asked me to marry him and I was gobsmacked by the proposal. I couldn't believe he thought i would settle down with a promise of forever with a man I couldn't trust as far as I could throw him.

The heart figures it out, Remains. It will take some time, but for me it's a preponderance of pain and distrust - eventually there's just too much for the heart to bear and it shuts off. I turned on a dime at one point with my own cheating heartbreaker so many years ago.

And don't be ashamed if you take him back again. Sometimes you have to go in fits and starts before the balance tips for good.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

The dude is scum you can find better men on the street hooking for a 20 at least you know what they are in it for. You deserve SO much better here is my standard you are awesome points.

1. You are beautiful.

2. Many men want to be with you and the catch is they CAN be faithful and are not liars.

3. The longer you spend tied up with him is time you are not being loved by a decent man.

4. You deserve to be number 1.

5. You deserve to be treasured.

6. You deserve to be able to trust you partner.


There are hundreds of guys out there who DREAM of a girl like you to be with. Literally DREAM and wake up sorrowful because they have not met you yet. I know you are done with this guy so just start untangling your life from him he is no longer worth ANY amount of time, words or breath.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

CEL said:


> The dude is scum you can find better men on the street hooking for a 20 at least you know what they are in it for. You deserve SO much better here is my standard you are awesome points.
> 
> 1. You are beautiful.
> 
> ...


What a great, nice post.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

On finding the OW, you know, sometimes there's just no point wasting the effort. When you leave, when you drop him for good, then perhaps he will get careless and her identity will come out. If she happens to be married, then I'd say tip off the spouse, he deserves to know. But as for digging, don't bother. Just look after yourself in the meantime.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Ugh. Just painful.
> 
> I had a relationship like this once. The man brought out a woman in me that none of my friends and family would ever have thought existed. I believe he actually did love me in the only way he could, but he could never be the decent person that I could love and respect completely. There was just too much lying and deception. He eventually asked me to marry him and I was gobsmacked by the proposal. I couldn't believe he thought i would settle down with a promise of forever with a man I couldn't trust as far as I could throw him.
> 
> ...


Yes, he is very similar. This man brought out a woman in me too that I thought was long gone....in fact I don't think I even knew was there. That was in beginning of our relationship. I broke up with him very swiftly! That was 3 years ago! 

I know he loves me, I just don't think he knows what love is. Even for his daughter it is still a very selfish kinda love (seen only in the odd action here and there. On the surface, he dotes on her. Totally. And he is a great dad). 

And thanks AD, I have done that many times, gone back knowing it is the wrong thing to do. But the balance has tipped. It absolutely has tipped this time. Even with the lie last week I was having to hold myself away, but this new info from his friend, him texting someone else ALL evening (to a woman - it had to be! His friend assumed it was me, he didn't put his friend right. Got to be a woman.) just 2 days after we split! Well, that just says it all. Very loud, very clear. 

I have absolutely switched off. I have awoke after only 4 hours sleep last night, and all I think is absolute disgust. He disgusts me. 

And I can't even believe how he treated me last night on phone. I been looking after him last 2 days. Then off radar all eve. He tried to do for me the royal gaslighting service. Never worked. Shouted at me 'what am I doing to him', I just asked what's wrong and what you on about. 

Oh my he is good. Very very very good.

Ya know what, normally I have no interest in other men when we split, don't want to meet someone else, and I need a 'getting over' period (like normal people do). I think I have already done that period and am absolutely ready to be taken out by a nice man (probably be waiting forever for that too! Gonna join some clubs). I am already thinking about who my next man might be. And it is quite exciting! Because I know I will find someone decent. And I know he will be lucky to find someone decent, because he will find anyone! And if he does find a decent woman, they won't be together too long. Anyone normal will only be able to handle so much from him. 

He should come with a health warning.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

CEL said:


> The dude is scum you can find better men on the street hooking for a 20 at least you know what they are in it for. You deserve SO much better here is my standard you are awesome points.
> 
> 1. You are beautiful.
> 
> ...


How do you know that having never met me? Haha well, weird, because it's ALL true! 

Thanks. They are very good awesome points! I like them. A lot!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

S&A, I think I am just going to bide my time. He treated me badly last night, I will not chase him purely to find out who. But I will get my opportunity to ask for phone. And I will try and find out who. And then that will be my last dealings with this woman and sex obsessed fool.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I'm so sorry.

But it does sound like you are really ready to move on this time.

Best of luck and I am sure you will find someone who deserves you...and I hope he gets what he deserves too, KWIM!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Thanks Robsia....but what is KWIM?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

"Know what I mean."


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

He will get what he deserves because he is incapable of having a meaningful relationship. Shame.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

To say that someone gets what he deserves usually implies some serious karma coming, something clear and dramatic.

What I see most of the time, especially as I get older, is that people just get old and they lose their ability to attract all the people that they were always so happy to cheat with. By this time, decent people who know them aren't particularly interested. So, they wind up old and alone and pretty pathetic and harmless looking.

Your ex will get old just like everyone else & he will have burned many bridges.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Yes aD, you are right. And that is what karma is. It isn't a fate that comes right back on a level head, it is a person that brings sh*t on themselves due to the sh*t way they deal with things....it just happens because that person makes it happen. 

Growing old and alone I think is one of his biggest fears. I had a good chat with his mum tonight. And he will do that, grow old alone. All who know him know what he is like it seems. Even his friend I chatted with yesterday, I think he got a big eye opener. He realises that my ex is not the great close friend that maybe he thought he was (close friends don't BS each other). He is great company, but no love and no loyalty....and that seeps through all relationships. Not just me and him. 

He is certainly getting older. And the stress lines on his face are there for all to see. I didn't fancy him at all when I met him, it was certainly his personality that won me over. But as you get older, the fishes in the sea become fewer. And the choice is thinner on the ground. And when you come across a person who can only manage short LT relationships, you wonder why.....

He needs help. Big time. I won't be available for help for much longer considering how he treats me. Right now I want to help him, because he is essentially a great guy with major issues. But it won't be a relationship help, it will be a friendship help. I care about him and his family. I want him to treat people well and to have a good future, because when he doesn't it impacts on everyone around him. His mum, his daughter, his friends, his daughter's mum....all!. But soon he will burn that friendship bridge of mine too.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You're not ready to break the tie yet, R., so you keep it alive with the idea of friendship. When you're really past him, his friendship won't be on your radar screen, I bet.

But all in good time, in my opinion. People move on when their hearts let them move on. When you have a loving heart like you do, Remains, it can be very hard to get to that point.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> You're not ready to break the tie yet, R., so you keep it alive with the idea of friendship. When you're really past him, his friendship won't be on your radar screen, I bet.
> 
> But all in good time, in my opinion. People move on when their hearts let them move on. When you have a loving heart like you do, Remains, it can be very hard to get to that point.


I learned this 2 days ago. Before that, what you said would not have made any sense to me. Thinking you can friends really is just a coping mechanism. A way to hang on. Truth is, the friendship you seek is not what you will get. The emotional void will slowly kill any feelings you have for your spouse, because eventually the emotional pain will drain you physically as well. You will be a shell and wake up one morning and say it is enough. Your heart will be cold and hard and you realize you have no desire to even be friends. After all, being friends with someone requires you to feel something for them.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> I learned this 2 days ago. Before that, what you said would not have made any sense to me. Thinking you can friends really is just a coping mechanism. A way to hang on. Truth is, the friendship you seek is not what you will get. The emotional void will slowly kill any feelings you have for your spouse, because eventually the emotional pain will drain you physically as well. You will be a shell and wake up one morning and say it is enough. Your heart will be cold and hard and you realize you have no desire to even be friends. After all, being friends with someone requires you to feel something for them.


It's complex and hard to describe, isn't it? We know that true friends don't betray us in cruel ways, but we still have strong feelings and need to label those feelings, so we say we are 'friends.' (For me, it's more like family - I have family whom I care about but wouldn't consider true friends. Even these people can fall off my emotional radar screen.)

(BTW - 2 days? Sounds like the break came quite suddenly.)


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Sounds more like a long slow build up, and what he did a couple days ago just tripped the switch finally. The straw that broke the camel's back.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Sounds more like a long slow build up, and what he did a couple days ago just tripped the switch finally. The straw that broke the camel's back.


Yes, probably. The balance gets tipped. I see that.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> You're not ready to break the tie yet, R., so you keep it alive with the idea of friendship. When you're really past him, his friendship won't be on your radar screen, I bet.
> 
> But all in good time, in my opinion. People move on when their hearts let them move on. When you have a loving heart like you do, Remains, it can be very hard to get to that point.


Yes, I keep swinging back and forth. I am fine, and then he does his little fishing thing. I ignore them because I know what he's doing, unless impossible. 

Like when he came to mine with his heart palpitations....though I am glad that happened as it set in motion the eye opening chat with his friend revealing the obvious other person he is in contact with. But I was there all worrying about him and thinking about him again. And when he texted last night that he wanted to come over after work to apologise for his crappy behaviour (which I would have ignored had it not been for the wishing to find out who he has been in touch with. Oh, and he didn't turn up!). I think I am only trying to help because of my chats with his mum, and my wanting to know who the other person is. 

I saw him twice today - he came to collect something from mine and I dropped off a card for his daughter's b'day tomorrow. I felt nothing but sorry for him and his crapness that envelops him. I don't wish for him back. Not even a little bit. Not right now anyway.

...well, unless he became a different person, like that magic stuff ya know! Magically turns into an honest and open man....


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Remains said:


> Yes, I keep swinging back and forth.
> 
> ...well, unless he became a different person, like that magic stuff ya know! Magically turns into an honest and open man....


Personally, I think this is why you are stuck.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> Personally, I think this is why you are stuck.


I really hope I am not. I really feel, truly, that this time is it. Really it. I don't even want to have sex with him...I am not longing for him in any way at all.

Though I have felt like that before. Only time will tell. 

Today I feel the same as yesterday, I don't want him and I am not missing him.

Though I am going over things again because what I found out Fri affects a few things, confirms a few things, makes a few things make more sense. It is a little upsetting, but nothing like the upset I have experienced, nowhere near the heartbreak, just a resignation that this is it now. I believe the truth I have, I am sad I was never truly loved by him or was not enough for him to make the effort for. I believe his ex was that person...but she didn't love him enough. 

I am not too sad though, just a little flat. And that is not a bad thing, just something I have to deal with, and will. I have better things to think about, and he will fade. I won't be here for him for long. I will be speaking with him tomor evening, and that will be our last dealings I believe.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Remains, you are doing well.

When I went through my DDay and move started to move on several months later it was hard. I was at a point where I had no idea what was out there. I was with my EX for 17 years before the betrayal.

I was very picky with whom I wanted to see and I found my angel. She just happened to be perfect for me. I was also perfect for her. I bet you will find your angel and I bet you will be his angel too one day. You should be treated like one. Good luck to you and God bless.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Remains, my wife had her "awakening", "encounter with God", or whatever you want to call it just over a month ago, after years of cheating. In one way it is wonderful to finally get the truth but it is very painful. Since she has come clean she lied once about a FB posting. Though it was really a minor issue, it was the lying that caused me to go into a tail spin. My wife saw it and has not (to my knowledge) lied again. She (IMO) has gotten it. She knows that lying is one of those things that will set R backwards fast. 

Lying goes along with cheating and until the cheater stops those behaviors we (the BS) can never rest or heal. 

One of my main issues since November 2011 has been my wife not being able to tell the truth even when I had proof to show her otherwise. It got to the point of where she would respond, "I don't remember", which was BS and I knew it. Over a month ago my wife stated that she has turned to God and wants to be clean before Him and me, thus I have finally gotten the truth.

Remains, this is part of (I believe) your very first post on TAM. At what point are you going to stop? I ask because I was where you were. For me I do believe I got what I wanted.


*I am fed up with this issue, I just want to talk til its all gone from my head. He is fed up with this issue and feels he has talked enough and wants to bury it now. I have told him we've only just started due to him refusing to talk so many times and lying here and there.*


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Moving ahead, thankyou. I had just read your post/1st couple of posts on your thread and then saw yours on mine. I know things will improve, I just wish I could fast forward. It is sad to think that things were/are even worse than I thought. Very sad. And I don't think I will ever get the truth, I need to accept that. The truth will help me move on, and will help him. But he won't see it I don't think, I don't think he will even come round tomorrow as promised. I think he will bottle it. 

I hope one day I can find someone great too! Maybe not today though! Or this week.  

And thanks Thorburn, I am glad that your wife has finally 'got it'. She was surely a lost cause too! I guess it goes to show, some people can change if there is a strong enough reason to. I am glad u got what you wanted...I truly hope she is. And that she remains what you want. I hope this is your new life and not a blip.

And thankyou for the reminder. I have often thought of rereading my old threads. But I have refrained. Worried of what I will find when I read. I can't believe that was a year and half ago, I can't believe I have put myself through all this! Such an effing fool. But, as I have said, the education has been invaluable.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Remains said:


> Moving ahead, thankyou. I had just read your post/1st couple of posts on your thread and then saw yours on mine. I know things will improve, I just wish I could fast forward. It is sad to think that things were/are even worse than I thought. Very sad. And I don't think I will ever get the truth, I need to accept that. The truth will help me move on, and will help him. But he won't see it I don't think, I don't think he will even come round tomorrow as promised. I think he will bottle it.
> 
> I hope one day I can find someone great too! Maybe not today though! Or this week.
> 
> ...


When I have reread a few of mine it is almost comical. My youngest son, some of my wife's family members and me all thought she was fooling around with random guys instead of what was really the truth, that she never ended it with the XOM in 2011. All the specultion from posters here on TAM because when you don't know the truth we have a tendancy to fill in the blanks.

I do understand why you have put so much time into this and the sad reality is if he would change things could get better. I had the opportunity to speak to the XOM for about 4 days and that was very helpful to verify the truth. My wife and the XOM were both about to lose everything and he became desparate for help to get his wife back. His answers were not scripted. 

Your husband is going to lose a keeper for sure. Remember Remains that it still is not over and you still have a ways to go.


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