# What bothered me most



## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

In no particular order:
1. The theft of my time. Obviously we all have limited time here. A big chunk was stolen.

2. Exposing me to STD. Simply amazing, my XW' s willingness to do this without a second thought.

3. Causing doubt re the paternity of my kids.

4. Gaslighting me. Lying to my face. Making me doubt myself re my perception. 

5. Vitiating my memories.

6. Causing me and our kids severe financial hardship.

7. Divorce causing a loss of time with my kids.

8. Bringing a morally bankrupt guy into my kids' lives.

9. Causing me to suffer physically.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Now go back and write the 9 things you are going to do about it.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Now go back and write the 9 things you are going to do about it.


It was a long time ago. Since then, I continued working until retiring. Found a great retirement job that I love. I have a beautiful apartment right on the ocean and great relationships with my 5 kids. I travel some. Have a good dog. Play golf, read, exercise etc. It is a good life and I could never have had such peace living with a narcissist. So, she did me a favor.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

What would you tell your “pre-disaster” self?
Anything that could have prevented or change all that?

’cause you know he’s reading this


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Megaforce said:


> It was a long time ago. Since then, I continued working until retiring. Found a great retirement job that I love. I have a beautiful apartment right on the ocean and great relationships with my 5 kids. I travel some. Have a good dog. Play golf, read, exercise etc. It is a good life and I could never have had such peace living with a narcissist. So, she did me a favor.


Right on !!!!


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> What would you tell your “pre-disaster” self?
> Anything that could have prevented or change all that?
> 
> ’cause you know he’s reading this


I think , actually, I know, I ignored red flags during courtship. The main one was that she had been involved with a married man a couple years earlier. Also, in hindsight and having educated myself some on the Cluster B personality disorders, I can now see the narcissism, which, back then, I attributed to self confidence. I realize that there was virtually no reciprocity for the things I did in the relationship. I just acquiesced to her desires, plans, etc. 
I have learned to spot narcissism fairly well, although some folks are extremely adept at masking for a while. I know there is a tendency to over- identify it once one starts looking. But, I do think it is significantly more prevalent than the 1- 2% claimed in the literature.
I have become much more rigid in my boundaries. Primarily, I have a rule to never involve myself wi th h a person with any history having cheated. I stand up for myself much more.
Life is peaceful, now, enjoyable. Once away from a narcissist, things, gradually, become clearer. I can see what I was dealing with and how I lost myself trying to appease constantly.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Megaforce said:


> I think , actually, I know, I ignored red flags during courtship. The main one was that she had been involved with a married man a couple years earlier. Also, in hindsight and having educated myself some on the Cluster B personality disorders, I can now see the narcissism, which, back then, I attributed to self confidence. I realize that there was virtually no reciprocity for the things I did in the relationship. I just acquiesced to her desires, plans, etc.
> I have learned to spot narcissism fairly well, although some folks are extremely adept at masking for a while. I know there is a tendency to over- identify it once one starts looking. But, I do think it is significantly more prevalent than the 1- 2% claimed in the literature.
> I have become much more rigid in my boundaries. Primarily, I have a rule to never involve myself wi th h a person with any history having cheated. I stand up for myself much more.
> Life is peaceful, now, enjoyable. Once away from a narcissist, things, gradually, become clearer. I can see what I was dealing with and how I lost myself trying to appease constantly.


A lot of gold nuggets in there.
I hope someone changes their life for the better because of this post.
Thank you @Megaforce


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Megaforce said:


> I think , actually, I know, I ignored red flags during courtship. The main one was that she had been involved with a married man a couple years earlier. Also, in hindsight and having educated myself some on the Cluster B personality disorders, I can now see the narcissism, which, back then, I attributed to self confidence. I realize that there was virtually no reciprocity for the things I did in the relationship. I just acquiesced to her desires, plans, etc.
> I have learned to spot narcissism fairly well, although some folks are extremely adept at masking for a while. I know there is a tendency to over- identify it once one starts looking. But, I do think it is significantly more prevalent than the 1- 2% claimed in the literature.
> I have become much more rigid in my boundaries. Primarily, I have a rule to never involve myself wi th h a person with any history having cheated. I stand up for myself much more.
> Life is peaceful, now, enjoyable. Once away from a narcissist, things, gradually, become clearer. I can see what I was dealing with and how I lost myself trying to appease constantly.


Solid gold 👌


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Megaforce said:


> It was a long time ago. Since then, I continued working until retiring. Found a great retirement job that I love. I have a beautiful apartment right on the ocean and great relationships with my 5 kids. I travel some. Have a good dog. Play golf, read, exercise etc. It is a good life and I could never have had such peace living with a narcissist. So, she did me a favor.


I would never try to talk anyone going through divorce out of fully experiencing, and dealing with all of the grief and anguish that surrounds the unraveling of a marriage, whether infidelity is a factor or not. Divorce is painful. Infidelity amplifies that by several factors.

But ... your post conveys the singular most important thing that those going through it are unable to see ... until they actually take care of themselves and CAN see.

There is another side of the hurt and betrayal. It doesn't need to be, nor should it be a permanent state. It gets better. Very frequently a whole lot better. 

Appreciate you sharing that.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Deejo said:


> I would never try to talk anyone going through divorce out of fully experiencing, and dealing with all of the grief and anguish that surrounds the unraveling of a marriage, whether infidelity is a factor or not. Divorce is painful. Infidelity amplifies that by several factors.


Quoted for emphasis.
Divorce is hell under the BEST of circumstances.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What happened to her?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

She, eventually, remarried. Prior to that, she dated a guy I came to know( I was a golf pro, in addition to practicing law, and he came to me for lessons.)
He told me she cheated on hi I'm, too.
Her second husband bailed after about 7 years. I presume she treated him like ****, too( I , actually, witnessed it a couple times).
Now, she has a boyfriend she met in AA. She calls me, occasionally, to discuss our kids. One is disabled and the other boy is fighting heroin and fentanyl addiction( he lives with me and is sober, for now).
She has never apologized despite, allegedly, adhering to thec12 steps( 8 and 9 require atonement and acknowledgement of the transgressions). 
One would think, by her tone and conversation that she was talking to a friend when she calls me. I just keep it civil and about the boys.
Her sister was the one who alerted me to the cheating and she, basically, implored me to divorce. Her sister told me that as I walked down the aisle with my XW, she turned to her husband and said " I hope this poor guy knows what he is getting into." Not sure( probably not)I would have heeded any warnings at that point, though.
Marriage to narcissist is really bad. They wear you down. Isolate you. Eventually, you lose all sense of self.
Thank God for the cheating. It was a bright line for me. Otherwise, there is no telling how long I would have remained sick enough to stay.


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