# Can't get over ex - Can anyone help?



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Not my xw but the one I dated after my divorce. 3 years with her. My only experience with love.
She was lying to me the whole time, lived with another man. Blah blah blah.

Its been almost 2 years since I saw her last. Only one or two texts in that time, nothing else. 

I can't stop obsessing over her to this day. I've read every book. Spent a year in therapy. I don't know what to do. I've dated and changed everything about my life but I cannot stop. I think about her 24/7. 

Other than calling me pathetic and telling me to get over it and all that, *can anyone help me with ideas on what to do?* I've done everything I know of. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to miss her always. I want to love again but nothing compares. I even thought I had it once and it fizzled away. 

I'm back at TAM b/c I don't know what else to do. Can anyone here help or at least tell me that I'm not ruined. How can 2 years of no contact happen and I'm still obsessing?

Thank you to everyone in this community willing to listen or help.


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## SGr (Mar 19, 2015)

If she lied to you the entire time, she never really loved you, and you're in love with a fantasy of who you thought she was.

Take this time to get to know who you are, decide who you want to be, and put in the work to be the best version of yourself.

Don't waste any more time and emotional energy on something that never was.

Godspeed.

Sent from my 6045O using Tapatalk


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Some have used EMDR successfully in this situation. Worth consulting a certified EMDR therapist to discuss since you've exhausted the typical things.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

I don't know what this is, thank you. I will investigate.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I'm not going to call you names, nor even imply that you are not doing what you should.

I am going to tell you what you can choose to do if you want to rid yourself of this fixation and get on with your life in freedom from this "monkey on your back"... however, I'm not going to criticize you if you don't choose to do it. However, if you don't, please understand that the monkey is not going to go away.

Even if you choose to do it, that's not enough. You must put it into shoe leather every day. Every hour of every day, and do not neglect any days, nor any hours. It will take 40 days. Each day you revert back to the old thinking pattern, will require 5 days to "undo", and another day to "do". Stay on course. Don't deviate. 



sd212 said:


> How can 2 years of no contact happen and I'm still obsessing?


I've got news.... 20 years of no contact can "happen" and you still be obsessing. 50 years of no contact can "happen" and you still be obsessing.

The exact operative word here, which tells me the exact root of your problem, is "happen". You are allowing your life to "happen". You accept the "default state"....which is a lovesick obsession for this woman.

This is what I want you to do. I want you to begin NOW. Just as soon as you finish reading. Please, whatever you do, don't wait until tomorrow, unless you promise to entertain absolutely no thought whatsoever of this woman, what you did, where you went, how you related, what you said, absoutely NOTHING which is directly, or indirectly, related to her.

I'm going to give you an analogy. Our thoughts can be illustrated as flies. You, or I, or any other person, essentially lives in a room full of mosquitoes. There are so many mosquitoes in this room, that it's impossible to prevent them from landing on you. They are faster than you are. But, when a mosquito does land on you, you have three options.... 

1) allow the mosquito to remain on you, drill into your epidermis, and infect you with whatever germs are on him;
2) "shoo" the mosquito before he bites you;
3) slap the $hit out of the mosquito so that he dies.

Behind door #1 is an unwise choice. Not only will you receive this load of bacteria, you will get another, and another, and another, as this mosquito conducts his next sortie. This is what you are currently doing, allowing it to "happen". And this mosquito will lay eggs, and create more comrades-in-arms.

Behind door #2 is a much better choice than door #1, but it still allows him to try another sortie.

Behind door #3 is the best choice, and the wisest choice. Yes, I get it, there are still a lot of mosquitoes in the room. But, if you tenaciously keep choosing door #3.....eventually, you will swat the very last one.

I think I've said enough. Only you can choose the door.



sd212 said:


> My only experience with love.


It doesn't need to be your last. But, you must choose wisely, if it is not to be. You can choose for it to be your last, by allowing that to "happen".
Doing nothing to change is, itself, a choice. An unwise choice.



sd212 said:


> She was lying to me the whole time, lived with another man.


I'm not going to say anything. You know what this woman is. I don't have to tell you. You also know what would have been the INEVITABLE OUTCOME of any continued relationship you had with her. Because, that outcome is exactly what you have right now. Whether your relationship continued for 3 years, or 30 years, or 3 months, the ultimate outcome would have been indentical. Because, in this relationship, she was the "actor" and you were the "reactor".... you let the relationship "happen" and did not demand to get out of it what you put into it.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

sd212 said:


> Not my xw but the one I dated after my divorce. 3 years with her. My only experience with love.
> She was lying to me the whole time, lived with another man. Blah blah blah.
> 
> Its been almost 2 years since I saw her last. Only one or two texts in that time, nothing else.
> ...



classic case of soul tie. read about it and consider to see a good pastor who knows how to help you.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

@TJW, Wow, just wow. You spent more time on me than anyone has in a long time. Thank you for that. Thank you for making time to say all of this. I will digest.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

@SA2017. Another new term. I can't believe there are any things left that I haven't read about but this is exactly why I posted tonight. Thank you. Will be reading.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

SD, what exactly did you love about her so much and why do you think you holder in a much higher regard than your XW?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Try to understand that you are in love with an illusion, what are doing is a kind of magic thinking. It's not rational. Every time you start to feel that way remind yourself of who she really is, that has to be an active discipline of your mind. You must force yourself to see her as she really is. At this point she is a hindered for you to find better. Also you must give your self hope that you can love someone else. And you can it's not a great stretch to believe you can love more then one person in your life. Almost everyone does that. Stop looking at her as the only girl you will ever love. 

Some of this involves making yourself more confident. You do that by upping your attraction value. Get in shape dress well, try to better yourself so you have more to offer. Then you will be more confident and it will all go from there. 

Give up on her and have hope for better. She was not a good catch anyway.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@sd212
"She was lying to me the whole time, lived with another man. Blah blah blah"
Its not BLAH BLAH BLAH. ANYTIME you think of her, focus on this -- she LIED to you the whole time, and she was sleeping with someone else. You miss the IMAGE you had of her, not her. She really ISN'T who you are thinking about -- just some glorified character that you made up in your head that looks like her.

When you think of her (if you have to) focus on the bad stuff she did -- DON'T think about any good times you had. It may help you break that fictitious view you have of her in your head.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'd say that you don't have a very strong basis, if any, for holding on to the memory of her! 

She was deceptive and overwhelmingly proved that she had absolutely no love in her heart for you ~ so given that premise,alone, exactly what allegiance do you even remotely owe her?*


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Did the relationship end because you rejected her or did she reject you? How our brain processes loss and values relationship has a lot to do with this.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

"You know how to get over a girl? Get under ten more."


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

stillfightingforus said:


> SD, what exactly did you love about her so much and why do you think you holder in a much higher regard than your XW?


Everything. She was every dream I've ever had. Well, what I thought she was anyway. Not what she really was.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *I'd say that you don't have a very strong basis, if any, for holding on to the memory of her!
> 
> She was deceptive and overwhelmingly proved that she had absolutely no love in her heart for you ~ so given that premise,alone, exactly what allegiance do you even remotely owe her?*


Of course you're right. Completely. But it has never been a rational thing for me. 
I wish I had a good answer for you. We had a full year of what I thought was perfection. Pure bliss, happiest I've ever been in my life. Not logical but at like nothing I've ever felt before. The last day I saw her was as magical as the first. Sounds silly I know.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> Did the relationship end because you rejected her or did she reject you? How our brain processes loss and values relationship has a lot to do with this.


I ended it. I couldn't live with the lie anymore. She never did admit to anything fully. I just finally had to stop the lie and the pain. But, she came back whenever she wanted for a little while. She always and still does I'm sure, know she could show up and pick right up where we left off.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

dadstartingover said:


> "You know how to get over a girl? Get under ten more."


Not ten but I did that for a little while. Nothing but more problems. I hurt someone pretty badly trying to be with someone new to get over her.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

sd212 said:


> Everything. She was every dream I've ever had. Well, what I thought she was anyway. Not what she really was.


Guess what? That dream that you had, you can still have. You can sit around lamenting the loss or you can go out and live it. I was married for 24 years. When it ended I was devastated. But looking back I realized that I would often fantasize about the things I had always wanted to do. Sort of like Walter Mitty. It took me a while afterwards to understand that I don't have fantasize about anything anymore. Now if I think it, I act on it. The most amazing thing of all is that more often than not, others are willing to join me.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

Thank you everyone.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

sd212 said:


> @SA2017. Another new term. I can't believe there are any things left that I haven't read about but this is exactly why I posted tonight. Thank you. Will be reading.



soul ties are no joke and can influence your next marriage and whole life.


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