# My daughter's POSB/F



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

We have a 19 year old daughter, and she had been going out with the same boy for over 3 years. He is 2 years older than her.

My daughter is a very skilled flute player and is studying at the Conservatorium of Music, in her first year. She is not just an average player, we were told by an Eistedford judge she was the best flute player of her age he had heard recently and she blew the competition out of the water. She was head hunted by the music director of a state wide schools extravaganza, they just wanted her in it, no audition needed. When she auditioned for the Con, they told her on the spot she was in, and apparently that is unheard of. All of this takes a lot of her time, she is at the Con 5 days a week, and because of travel, she is usually not home until 10pm.

All of that to explain she has a potential great future in music and it is her absolute passion. She was calling her b/f in the evenings when she got home, and going to his place (he lives with his mother) on the weekends.

A couple of weeks ago she heard him talking in his sleep about another girl, and so she checked his phone. Well, lo and behold, he was texting and calling other girls. Telling them they were pretty and how awful his g/f was to him.

She came home in a state, but went back the next day to talk to him. He told her that it was her fault because she was too caught up in her music. He said she would have to decide, him or the music.

Now, she has grown up hearing the stories of the women in our family. How my great grandmother was going to study music in Italy as she was a talented pianist. WWI broke out, she could not go, got married and that was the end of her music. Her youngest daughter, my grandmother, was an amazingly talented operatic singer. She got pregnant at 19 and married. My grandfather would never let her sing in public again. It literally drove her insane, she ended up institutionalized because singing was her passion and she was not allowed to pursue it. Her eldest daughter, my aunt, was a flute player. She got married young and her husband would not allow her to play or have lessons. She is a bit nuts too.

It broke her heart, but she chose her music over the b/f. It is hard to see her weeping while she practices, but in the end, she made the right choice. My H and I just want to kick his ass, as do her 3 elder brothers. I am just glad he showed his true colours now, before she married him.


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Good riddance to him! What a douc*e!


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> We have a 19 year old daughter, and she had been going out with the same boy for over 3 years. He is 2 years older than her.
> 
> My daughter is a very skilled flute player and is studying at the Conservatorium of Music, in her first year. She is not just an average player, we were told by an Eistedford judge she was the best flute player of her age he had heard recently and she blew the competition out of the water. She was head hunted by the music director of a state wide schools extravaganza, they just wanted her in it, no audition needed. When she auditioned for the Con, they told her on the spot she was in, and apparently that is unheard of. All of this takes a lot of her time, she is at the Con 5 days a week, and because of travel, she is usually not home until 10pm.
> 
> ...


Talking to the other girls like that is not good, but I applaud the boyfriend for taking a stand on what he wants, and what his boundaries are. For knowing what he wanted and standing by it. She is lucky he was so straight forward and willing to end things now rather than stringing her along, being unhappy because he felt he had to support something he didn't want to, and resentment building over the years.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

TikiKeen said:


> Good riddance to him! What a douc*e!


I agree that talking trash behind her back was douchy, and that alone is why she should have dumped his ass before he even had a chance to say anything about the music...

But the ultimatum...him or the music...what's wrong with that?


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I guess the problem with him saying him or the music, is the way he went about it. He blamed her for him having to talk to other girls because of her commitment to her music.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> I guess the problem with him saying him or the music, is the way he went about it. He blamed her for him having to talk to other girls because of her commitment to her music.


The blame shifting is certainly the problem, not the ultimatum. Like I said, I see nothing wrong with the ultimatum. Life doesn't always turn out like the Romantic comedies.

She should have dumped him before he had the chance to issue it...


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Your daughter sounds like she has a good sense of self, and good boundaries. You should be proud of her!

And best of luck to her in her music.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I do wonder why it is often the women who have to give up their dreams in order to have a relationship. Men seem to feel free to pursue whatever career they want and just expect the women to tag along behind.

I am in no way a misogynist, but this is just something I have noted. My uncle, the eldest son of my grandmother mentioned above, has had a fantastic career with his music, travelling the world and his family went everywhere with him.

Women seem to be proud of their partner's achievements while men seem threatened by a woman who is successful. I know this is a generalisation, but often generalisations are the way things are.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Oh thank goodness she made the smart choice! She wont regret it!


----------



## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Be proud of you daughter. The boy was not serious. why he did not say anything before, until your daughter found about the other girls? He is not good for her.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

And when she's an accomplished and recognized player, he would come back to her saying that he's sorry and what an a$$ he was , and if she can forgive him.

Then she'll have a second opportunity to dump his sorry a$$ again...

Priceless...

" _There are some things in life money can't buy,
But for everything else, there's Mastercard.._"


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Shoot, she just came in to see me to say she is going to see him tonight because he told her he was sorry.

I advised her to watch what he was saying, was he still blaming her and what exactly was he sorry for? Was he showing remorse for talking to other girls or was he just sorry that she has been away from him for a week.

I did tell her I think she is making trouble for herself by going back to him, but what can you tell someone of that age.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

My daughter had a very similar situation recently, they had been together for 2 years and he too was interested in other girls but did not want to admit so started blaming my daughter for things and telling their friends, got both families involved. It turned real ugly. She blocked him from FaceBook and next thing she knows he is on her account IMing her friends. His mother supported him and all his games. My daughter was beside herself and felt very violated by the attack. 

I think we as parents, as painful as it is to watch, have to let them make their own decisions and find their way thru. We can guide and support but we cannot tell them what to do or it stunts their growth and if the advise we give does not work out then we are to blame. I do hope your daughter is strong enough to dump this guy for good. She is young and sounds like she has a wonderful future ahead of her. If the boyfriend truly can not respect her talent I hope she realizes this is his issue and not hers and not all are going to share his thoughts.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bellavista said:


> Shoot, she just came in to see me to say she is going to see him tonight because he told her he was sorry.
> 
> I advised her to watch what he was saying, was he still blaming her and what exactly was he sorry for? Was he showing remorse for talking to other girls or was he just sorry that she has been away from him for a week.
> 
> I did tell her I think she is making trouble for herself by going back to him, but what can you tell someone of that age.


Argh, When I read this earlier today, I was concerned that she might not have resolve to end the relationship.

They are both too young for a committed relationship that interferes with things like their education.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:scratchhead:

Now why would anyone want to rob someone of their musical expression?

Meh, good riddance in my opinion


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I know how you are feeling. As a mom, you just want to punch the punk in the face. "How dare you hurt my daughter!"

I hope she stood her ground when she met with him last night. I heard an interesting tidbit a while ago. 
The person you would choose when you are 19 is different that the person you would choose at 21. Because of that, it is advised to wait until you are 21 -22 before getting serious and or married.

Maybe that bit if information will help her. Her bf is 21 and finding his needs. She, on the other hand, has two more years to grow into what she really wants out of a life partner.

I know you are a good mom and encouraging her to look out for her dreams and passions. Hopefully she will have the strength to follow through.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Now why would anyone want to rob someone of their musical expression?
> 
> Meh, good riddance in my opinion


Just focusing on the ultimatum...none of the other BS going on with the blameshifting and general douchenutting...

How did he try to rob her of anything? He gave her a choice. Life is full of choices, and you can't always have all the options.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's a pretty stupid ultimatum IMO, and a rather low way to dump someone.

Even if she did choose him over her music it'll just lead to resentment. Now instead he's made her feel that the relationship failed because of her passion. The whole thing's a blameshift, with him refusing to accept responsibility for his actions.

I do hope OP's daughter realises this and says good riddance.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> It's a pretty stupid ultimatum IMO, and a rather low way to dump someone.
> 
> *Even if she did choose him over her music it'll just lead to resentment*. Now instead he's made her feel that the relationship failed because of her passion. The whole thing's a blameshift, with him refusing to accept responsibility for his actions.
> 
> I do hope OP's daughter realises this and says good riddance.


And if he didn't want to live the life of a driven musician's husband, it would build resentment in him. Why is it that people are villified things like this?

It's a good thing they got this out in the open now rather than 10 years down the line.

I agree that she made the best choice for the long term...no doubt about it, but jut because he said me or the music doesn't make him a bad guy. He did plenty of other things to make himself a bad guy...


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> He did plenty of other things to make himself a bad guy...


Hence the nature of his ultimatum being a blameshift combined with a very irresponsible attitude.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Bella,
I think that too is part of good parenting.
Educating your kids with the necessary information and value system so that they can learn to make proper choices on their own.
Sometimes as parents we may not agree with their choices, but let her know that you want the best for her and will support her.
But you would prefer if she values herself a little more than this fellow, because in any event, there are lots more fishes in the sea.

For God's sake, he was trash talking her behind her back with other girls. He doesn't respect her neither her love of music and her ambition. This can only get worse.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think 19-21 is way too young to get serious about anyone to be honest. 

I pray your daughter continues to use her youth to focus on her future and lets this one go.

Plenty of time to find balance between her music and a man LATER.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Her putting is very long hours on her music is fine as this is what she wants.

Him letting her know that he wants a girlfriend who has more time for him is fine. The ultimatum is his way of communicating this.

His flirting with other women is wrong.

This relationship is not going to work, they want different things. And that's find. I just hope OP's daughter realized this and does not change her musical pursuits for this guy.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Love how the slimey slimer tried to deflect his crap behavior by issuing her an ultimatum.

Hahah. yeah right!

Hope she dumps him once and for all.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

DD23's high school boyfriend broke up with her 4 months into college. He was still back at home, and he couldn't handle not having a girl on his arm every day.

Good riddance!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> *Love how the slimey slimer tried to deflect his crap behavior by issuing her an ultimatum.*
> 
> Hahah. yeah right!
> 
> Hope she dumps him once and for all.


Exactly, I couldn't have put it better myself

Hence I see nothing noble with this guy


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> ... but *just because he said me or the music doesn't make him a bad guy*. He did plenty of other things to make himself a bad guy...


Umm...yeah. It DOES make him a 'bad guy'. The ultimatum is a form of _manipulation_, and it doesn't belong in a healthy relationship. It would be different if she was using drugs, sleeping around or doing something else that she should NOT be doing. 

But there's a huge difference between issuing an ultimatum to someone because they're doing something WRONG as opposed to doing something 'right'. If HE didn't like the idea that she was focused on her music and spending time away from him because of it, then HE should have taken it upon himself to end the relationship, and not issue HER an ultimatum.

The guy trash talks her behind her back. Cheats on her and then issues her an ultimatum? 

I say good riddance to HIM!

Vega


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Well, it is early morning here. I am picking her up from b/fs in a couple of hours and we are going to visit my mother for a while. My mother saw first hand how not being able to fulfill the music passion destroyed her mother and sister, and made her grandmother bitter.

My husband has said he is done ***** footing around with her and will sit her down and talk to her straight. I know the kids always dreaded one of his lectures more than one of my beltings when they were little.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Bellavista said:


> *We have a 19 year old daughter, and she had been going out with the same boy for over 3 years*. He is 2 years older than her.


The thing that gets me is --they were an item for 3 long years, this is a lot of time to bond, they made it past the 18- 20 months ..where the feelings many times start to die down....and many realize they just don't "feel it" anymore....and surely HE knew of the women before her that missed their musical opportunities in her family.... *so how very important this was to her...* HE KNEW. 

So his way of handling was *very passive*... if indeed he felt he wasn't getting enough time, but maybe he felt too selfish to go to her and voice this... how does one say something like this ....without coming off really BAD....so people avoid... this is never the answer...then he took it even further looking over the fence, emotionally cheating on her. 

This was all brought to a head, thankfully... ..which difficult as it may be right now (the 1st cut is the deepest -if this was her 1st love)...but for the BEST....she will likely go on to find a great guy who shares her musical passions..and look back upon this as just a stepping stone to her dreams, something that had to happen. Though it could have been handled so much better for all ! 

And he, he may regret.. or maybe he just wanted a GF who catered around him -he enjoyed the carefree time & attention... we don't know ... Before this...did he ENJOY spending *lots of time *with your daughter in the past ...were they inseparable ?

If not, I'd say he's making some excuses here with this ultimatum even.. as it wouldn't make much sense... all of a sudden.

And Bellavista - that's amazing...she is so talented.. this is a Gift she must share.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You've got to remember that both of them are very young.

In an ideal world, he would have said to her "I love you but I feel your music takes up too much of your time. I need a girlfriend who can give me more time so I'm letting you go".

But he's ONLY TWENTY ONE. He's still a baby himself.

As for the other girls, that's a whole other conversation...that just makes him a slimeball whether he's 21 or 40.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

She is still confused about how she feels about him. When I picked her up yesterday she said they are not back together again, she has not decided.

Like me, she plays her current emotions close to heart. I know eventually she will talk to me.

The biggest issue now is that we are end of the year for university. She is in danger of having lower results than she should due to the breakup.


----------



## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

A few years later, if they married, her own thread title would be : "I caught him sexting and in an EA; he blames it on my career "
It's best to end it now. The music is her dream, is who she is. 
Why would she give it up for a relationship? it's selfish of him to even think of that.
However, they are very young and at this age nothing is even too serious. They are not married. He want to date and have fun, she is caught up in her passion. It's normal for him to want more attention. Each to his own needs. Maybe the relationship is at its expiration day anyway. I think the girl should focus on her talent and stay single for a while if it takes so much of her time. And one day, she will find someone in the music field, whom she can share her passion with and with whom can grow together, in the same direction.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> I think the girl should focus on her talent and stay single for a while if it takes so much of her time. And one day, she will find someone in the music field, whom she can share her passion with and with whom can grow together, in the same direction.


:iagree:
I couldn't have said this better myself!
She has a bright future ahead of her.
In the future ,she will be successful and have an even more eligible group of men to choose from to date and then for marriage.

The only problem is that when we are young, the future means now.
So it's hard to look beyond what we can see presently.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Bellavista said:


> The biggest issue now is that we are end of the year for university. She is in danger of having lower results than she should due to the breakup.


That is unfortunate, but not unusual. And ultimately probably not life changing.

My eldest had 2 really bad years in college when she lost focus and gained a boyfriend. Now she is finishing (finally!) and will be off to doctoral program. She needed to figure things out for herself.

My second had a bad year in college after her closest male friend she grew up with committed suicide, and seh found his body. Now she has bounced back even stronger than she was before.

With your support, your daughter will figure things out and get through this.


----------



## Wild Mustang (Oct 26, 2013)

One thought to pass on to your daughter is that
someone with her ambition needs a person with enough self confidence and love to let her be her happiest, which will boomerang back into any relationship she is in.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I told DD23 that high school was for playing, for seeing what dating is like. NOT for getting serious, as odds are 95% that you won't stay together. College is for trying on serious relationships to see which kind of guy works for you, but not necessarily the 'one.' Because after you graduate, you don't know where you'll be living. After graduation, or during grad school, is when you should look seriously for a partner. That's the smart way to do it. That's what I taught her, and that's what she's doing. so far.


----------

