# I made a HUGE mistake (long)



## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Well, it has been a long time since I was on here and my life has been complete chaos.

I was dating a man. 11 years younger than me, highly educated, extremely intelligent, fun to be with and an amazing lover. I was totally in love with him. Our relationship was really up and down though. I thought he was undiagnosed bipolar (which I now know is true).
We moved in together eventually, and the first 10 days (yes days) were amazing. Day 11 came. We went to the beach and did a bit of drinking. When we got home, I decided to go visit my kids for a bit and my ex followed me back to make sure I got home safely.
As soon as I got into our apartment he snapped. He had been drinking while I was gone and was mad that I was at my old house with my ex and my kids.
Needless to say, he attacked me and beat me, choking me to within seconds of me passing out. When he wasn’t choking me, I managed to scream for help. When he stopped, he tried to make a run for it, but the police were already there and waiting for him and he was arrested.
I moved out the next day back into my home with my ex and my children. Over the following 2 months he repeatedly broke his bail conditions by contacting me despite a restraining order and stalking me. I was a mess.
Eventually he plead guilty to all of his charges (12 in total) and made a deal and received a jail sentence.
For 2 years after his release there was a restraining order. I sold my house and moved to a different part of town and my love life was relatively peaceful.

So, let’s fast forward to the present.
I have been having difficulties with my teenage son and am completely stressed out. 
I think about my ex regularly, and I have no ill will towards him, I am still deeply in love with this man despite what he did. I went to counselling and I forgave him for what he did, not for him, but myself.

Last weekend I had some massive issues with my son, and I needed to have some fun before I totally lost my mind from the stress, so I was stupid and I reached out to my ex on Facebook. Big mistake. We started talking, and despite everything (criminal record, family not talking to him, damaging his career and owing the government money) he too has really strong feelings for me and told me that he is still madly in love with me, 3 years after everything went insane.
He wanted to meet up with me and I agreed.
I met him in a location near my new home for safety reasons and we ended up going for a drive and talking for hours. Discussing things that happened during the chaos and how life has been ever since for both of us. We had an amazing time together. It was just like the good old days and like we had never been apart. We ended up making love, which was mind blowing like it use to be and then then he brought me close to home. I still have trust issues so he only knows the general area where I live, but does not know my actual address. 

We kissed and hugged goodbye and he left. I was literally on cloud 9 for days after. I felt so good.

So, we have been in daily contact with each other since then. I have been hiding that from my friends and family. They completely hate him and if they knew that we had met up and been together, they would go insane on me.
I know that seeing him again was wrong and unsafe for me, however we both still deeply love each other and seem to have this indestructible bond.

Has anyone else ever gone through something like this? I know that I need to move on, and I have tried very hard over the past 3 years, but I am stuck. He is stuck.
He is managing the medical condition that probably had a lot to do with how our relationship was and how it ended, which is good because I tried to get him help when we were together but was not successful.

I am fearful to give him another chance. I know how everyone will react and it will not be good, but this bond between us is so strong that I am having a hard time fighting it and I just wish certain things never happened, but they did.

I am so torn.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Violence is a deal breaker every time. He could easily have killed you, and may well the next time.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

This is a mistake, but nothing a bunch of strangers could tell you that your family, friends, and loved ones haven't already said that apparently you don't care to listen to. 

So, just stay safe ffs. Beyond that, I doubt you will listen.

Edit: interesting user name btw. When you came up with that user name in December of 2012, what would that version of you say to yourself today? Probably would tell you to change that user name for a start.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Oh my. What in the world are you thinking?
Cut all contact. Disappear. You’ve made a huge mistake, don’t drag it into a MUCH bigger one. Geez.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you want to be killed or seriously injured then stay with him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

My Mom married a man who though not violent was emotionally and verbally abusive. She almost lost me in the process. If I am honest I am still pissed at her for that. I don't trust her judgment when it comes to men. But then she never had a father? Is it something like that with you?

No matter what your son is doing you are always an example to him. What do you think you have been showing him?

What you are feeling isn't love by the way. Love is never that desperate. That is where you need to start. 

You can't love someone if you don't love yourself enough not to allow yourself to be abused. You can really love someone when you come from a place of such weakness. Love take strength. Love holds others accountable.

Why do you think you love someone who tried to kill you? 
Why do you talk about great old times with someone who tried to kill you?
Why do you think you have an "indestructible bond" with someone who tried to kill you? 

Seriously read those three sentences over and really think about them, do you think maybe you need some true counseling? Is there a history of abuse in your life? What was your relationship with your father like?

What will the rest of his life be like if your son has to identify you in a morgue one day?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I'll keep an eye on the obituaries.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

NO NO NO NO NO NO.

His illness is NOT an excuse for violence. Violence should always be a dealbreaker. You got out alive the first time. You may not be so lucky a second.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

Oh God sounds like my past life. Run and don’t look back, please.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

When I was growing up, I always wished I had big brothers. I feared I would need them since meeting men like your boyfriend (I don't know why you keep calling him your ex) is inevitable. At the same time, I didn't understand why the big brothers of the girls or women I knew didn't do anything when their boyfriend or husband was abusive to them. And then one day, I got up the nerve to ask my friend's brother why he didn't kick the guys arse who had beaten his sister. He told me "I'm not getting involved when I know she'll be back with him the very next day." I was a teenager and didn't understand what he said. I felt that if a woman's father or brother(s) threatened her guy, then the guy would fly right, or if they beat him up for beating her, then that would keep the guy away from her or at least prevent him from putting his hands on her again. I later learned what he was talking about. It was women like you who taught me that there's no point in anyone getting involved in their mess. A woman's father or brother(s) could wind up hurt or in jail with their own lives and families destroyed, and that woman will be right back with her no good man as soon as she can.

You spent time trying to get him help, so why not spend time getting help for yourself? You can start with free counseling at a Domestic Violence shelter. If you call 211, the operator can give you phone numbers for DV shelters in your area. Some have a counselor on-premise, and some have a counselor that they send women to see. Call and speak with a staff member. They are always happy to help.

You're not in love with him. There's something else going on in terms of him giving you something you need or something you especially like. Like the "amazing" sex, for example. It's good and you have no one else to compare to him, so you crave having sex with him. But that's not love. It's lust. If it were as good with another lover, you would crave sex with that one. 

Another example is maybe you need to feel someone loves you, and you confused that need with this imaginary bond. The truth though is there's no such thing as having a bond with someone who choked you within seconds of passing out. The only bond in your situation is his acute ability to make you think there is a bond, but it's only to dupe you into giving him another chance at choking you within seconds of passing out. And to probably succeed the next time. Or worse.

Think about that.

And then think about your own principles and standards, or rather you should make an effort to establish some because calling him proves you don't have any. Whatever it is he provides that you need so badly, you have to resolve yourself to living without it. That's where principles come in. It means you have to hold people to a certain standard when dealing with you. Someone here mentioned the term "deal breaker." Why don't you have any deal breakers because surely physical attack should be one of them. But having principles also means that you have to hold yourself to those same standards. Without any principles and standards, you will do anything because you have no filters or control mechanisms to prevent yourself. So, you might as well go sleep with every man in town because it's really no different. Oh what? You wouldn't do such a thing? So maybe you get the message of what I'm saying. If there are things that you wouldn't do because they are wrong or are not respectable things to do, then consider how badly you need to have enough regard and respect for yourself to stay away from this man who so severely disrespected you.

Also consider what my friend's brother said to me. National statistics on domestic violence are that it takes women 7 times to finally leave their abuser for good. That's saying that abused women leave 6 times and go back 6 times before leaving for the 7th and final time. Or, that they didn't get an 8th time to go back and leave again because he killed them before they could. Every person who hears about an abused woman wonders to themselves or out loud "Why doesn't she just leave him?" I have no doubt you have wondered the same many times. So, don't you know that you are just like them? They also thought they were in love. They also thought there was some imaginary bond. They also were torn. They also had amazing sex. They also thought they were stuck. They also gave their man all kinds of excuses just like you are giving him the bipolar excuse. He apologized every time. He told them how much he loved and missed them. He promised to never do it again just to convince them to come back and make themselves available so he could do it again. And they went back so he could do it again.

Think about that too.

Consider also how badly you wanted him to know where you live. If you didn't, you would have met him someplace that is nowhere near your home. Instead, you made arrangements to meet near your home, and then you had him drop you off near your home so he wouldn't have far to follow you in order to find out where you live. A couple weeks ago, I thought the guy in line at the gas station had picked up my keys. When I turned around and reached for them on the counter (where I was sure I had left them), he was standing there but my keys were not on the counter. I always keep a second set on me, so I was still able to drive home and get into my house. But when I left the gas station, I drove in the opposite direction of my house and zig-zagged around for almost 2 miles out of the way until I was sure no one was following me. I did that every day until I discovered my keys were in the bag from the gas station. I made a silent apology for silently accusing him, but my point is that I made sure to feel safe that he could never find out where I live. It almost seems like you wanted him to know where you live because you took no precaution at all, or certainly very little.

Think about all of that.
And then get yourself some help.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

a_new_me said:


> ...Our relationship was really up and down though. I thought he was undiagnosed bipolar (which I now know is true)....
> 
> ...he attacked me and beat me, choking me to within seconds of me passing out. When he wasn’t choking me, I managed to scream for help. When he stopped, he tried to make a run for it, but the police were already there and waiting for him and he was arrested....
> ...we ended up going for a drive and talking for hours....We had an amazing time together...We ended up making love, which was mind blowing like it use to be...I know that seeing him again was wrong and unsafe for me, however we both still deeply love each other and seem to have this indestructible bond....I know that I need to move on, and I have tried very hard over the past 3 years, but I am stuck....He is managing the medical condition that probably had a lot to do with how our relationship was and how it ended...I am fearful to give him another chance....but this bond between us is so strong that I am having a hard time fighting it....


Are you in any kind of counseling for yourself? If not, can you get some? See if you can figure out why you feel such a connection to this dangerous man?

I believe bipolar people can be very intense. Extreme highs and lows that you can get caught up in. The intensity of his feelings for you are probably why you feel such a connection to him and the sex is so great. It is intoxicating to have someone so passionate about you.

I bet it feels like "This is the love of my life." I've never felt this way about any man ever before so I probably never will again...

But here is the thing - he almost killed you. 

He has it in him to turn on you in response to the feeling of jealousy. Yes he is bipolar. Yes he was drunk. But that doesn't make a person violent. He has a much deeper problem. Maybe just a character flaw, but maybe some real psychosis/mental illness more "off" than bipolar.

It's good that he's on medication and I hope he manages things and has a great life, but this intense love he has for you can turn into intense jealous rage in the blink of an eye. Maybe in a month. Maybe in 10 years. At some point, he's going to experience that same feeling and perception of a situation that he did that one day, and neither of you will know how he'll handle it until it happens.

I think I'm trying to say that I believe the "intensity" of your connection has to do with his mental instability and it's not based in reality even though it *feels *intensely real right now.

You already know the answer. He's just too dangerous.

Also, your family will NEVER accept him because of what he did. If you do end up with him, you'll have to keep hiding him from them or lose you connection to them.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

To answer a few comments.

Yes I had a father that was in my life. He has passed away now. He also had a mental illness and was violent towards my mother, who stayed with him a lot longer than she should have. When she finally got rid of him, he snapped one night in anger and tried to hunt her down, unsuccessfully. He did however find me and held a screwdriver to my throat as I was crying because he wanted to find her, which he didn’t. 

My ex husband was also verbally and emotionally abusive (which I think is the main reason for my sons issues...yes, I have him in therapy and everything). He use to put holes in the walls, spit in my face and call me terrible names and even attacked me a couple of times.

Over the years, I have had boyfriends that were also similar in their actions (stalking and such) but I dealt with that a lot easier because I lacked an emotional connection, so it was easier.

I just feel like a target. I have stayed single for long periods of time and am in therapy because I have PTSD from the violence I have experienced over my lifetime. 

I want to break this cycle so badly, but when it comes down to everything, I am just so weak....burned out.

I need something to change but I cannot find it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You need to get professional help immediately. You are in danger every minute you are in contact with this man. Your children are in danger of losing their mother. 

You are not thinking right about this situation. You are being foolish. He's like an addiction. Please seek help for getting out of this and to get to the bottom of why you would go back to him. You are basing your decisions on a fantasy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

a_new_me said:


> I just feel like a target.


No, you are not a target, you are a victim. It's clearly evidenced by the violent men you choose to hook up with.



a_new_me said:


> ...I have PTSD from the violence I have experienced over my lifetime.


I can certainly understand having issues from trauma suffered in childhood, but the trauma you have experienced as an adult has been by your choice of partners. Basically, you have perpetuated the violent/abusive scenarios with your partners.



a_new_me said:


> I want to break this cycle so badly, but when it comes down to everything, I am just so weak....burned out. I need something to change but I cannot find it.


What needs to change is YOU. What you have written ^^above^^ is written through the lens of a hapless victim. If you want to break the cycle, then you empower yourself to do it. If you have the energy to hook up with your former abuser, you have the energy to dump the "weak" stance and stand up for yourself, set boundaries, and find a freakin' counselor who will help you do this.

Take it from me, I walked out on a husband who had a loaded unregistered handgun and planned to use it on me. Quit being weak. Quit whining. Quit being a victim. GET ANGRY. QUIT PUTTING UP WITH THE UINACCEPTABLE CRAP.

Dump the garbage you've been hanging around with and clean up your own side of the street. I am living proof it CAN be done.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

a_new_me said:


> I need something to change but I cannot find it.


You've lived within the cycles of abuse your whole life. And this statement is very telling in terms of you thinking there is something outside of yourself that has to bring about change. But the change is within you and has to come from you. No one and nothing can do this for you. You don't say how long you have been in counseling, but I only give things just so much of a chance at progress and only for just so long. If your counseling isn't working and you keep doing the same things and making the same mistakes, then you're not making progress in treatment, so your counselor is not working for you. It's time to try someone else and perhaps a different type of counseling. Make the calls I suggested. I'm sure it will really prove helpful. You do have to understand that there are no magic wands. You have to apply yourself and change your attitude, forever. You have more strength than you know if you try to be strong. I once knew a woman who was an alcoholic. She placed herself in treatment and told me the only way she got through the first few weeks was to pray for 5 more minutes. She would ask God to "get me through the next 5 minutes" to prevent herself from walking out and going to buy alcohol. She kept doing that until she felt stronger to make it on her own and prevent herself from walking out.

Hey, you apply whatever pneumonic device you need to that gets you through the day, after day, after day.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

a_new_me said:


> To answer a few comments.
> 
> Yes I had a father that was in my life. He has passed away now. He also had a mental illness and was violent towards my mother, who stayed with him a lot longer than she should have. When she finally got rid of him, he snapped one night in anger and tried to hunt her down, unsuccessfully. He did however find me and held a screwdriver to my throat as I was crying because he wanted to find her, which he didn’t.
> 
> ...


A painful read, but understandable from me. You are a target, but you also paint the bullseye on yourself. I know you know this. The change is hard work on yourself for yourself, not for anyone else. Not Even your kid. There's nothing to search for and you damn well know this. I know you know this and I don't know you at all. You've already had everyone else tell you what I would say next, what you know is coming next... So I won't say it, but come on girl. Its past time to work. Check that user name again. Why did you choose that name? You know why and you know damn well what change needs to take place and where to start. Why have you stalled? Why do you keep stalling? Its hard, I know! Its very hard, but its the only way to erase that target you so carefully crafted on your person. 

What will it take? Another brush with death?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

a_new_me said:


> I need something to change but I cannot find it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It CERTAINLY is NOT this guy. Going back to him makes as much sense as pushing a turd back in your butt.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Make sure you get your counselor to help you fix your "picker". It does not work unless you thrive on the violence and drama.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I truly hope I don't see you on the ID channel


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Hon, you know this whole backslide is wrong. You need to get him out of your life. Again. For good. Violence is not love. 

He could kill you. After I left my 12 year abuser he went on to terrorize someone else. He choked her out and kicked her. Put her in a headlock and kept her phone away so she couldn't call 911. I'm telling you this to show you it doesn't get better. It gets worse. He wasn't quite that violent with me. He has escalated.

Mental illness or no, this is way above your pay grade. He doesn't love you and you don't love him. This dance is super sick.

Respectfully, you need hardcore intensive counseling to figure out why you want him back. It's not normal.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

a_new_me said:


> Has anyone else ever gone through something like this? I know that I need to move on..



My close and dear friend dated, fell in love with, and married a man much like your ex. He beat her up while drunk/high. He apologized, admitted he had mental health issues, swore he'd get help. She stayed.

The 2nd time he beat her up he put her in the hospital. She divorced him. She got a PPO (restraining order/personal protection order).

Months later they started talking again. They reconciled. They even got re-married. Since there were kids involved, hers from a previous marriage, they delayed their honeymoon by a month or so and were only able to get away for a long weekend at a hotel not too far from home. She called her sister and the friend who was babysitting every evening to say hi, check on the kids, and tell them she loved them. Then she didn't call one night. Her family and the babysitter became concerned. Her sister called the hotel and then the local police. 

The police went to do a wellness check.

February 8, 2010 she was found dead of multiple stab wounds. Her name was Cassandra. Cassie.

Her husband was arrested 1 day later and convicted of her murder. He is currently serving 35 years in prison.

Her 4 children are now adults. I keep in touch with her oldest, who is now 25. Cassie has 3 grandchildren she will never know and who will never know her. 

Cassie and her sister were very close. Cassie's sissy was pregnant when she died. Cass loved kids and couldn't wait for her sister to have her baby. Now, he'll never know his Aunt, who anticipated his arrival with such joy.

We all hated him. We all told her to stay the **** away from that POS manipulative mentally defective absolute waste of carbon. She didn't listen and now she's ashes in a crypt.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

a_new_me said:


> To answer a few comments.
> 
> Yes I had a father that was in my life. He has passed away now. He also had a mental illness and was violent towards my mother, who stayed with him a lot longer than she should have. When she finally got rid of him, he snapped one night in anger and tried to hunt her down, unsuccessfully. He did however find me and held a screwdriver to my throat as I was crying because he wanted to find her, which he didn’t.
> 
> ...


Ah, do I, or do I not write this??

OK, I do, will do, done do it.

.............................................................

In general and in a few army privates, a women marries her Sun.

Huh?

That is incest.

No, she marries what her Sun represents in her natal horoscope.
Specifically, where it is and what aspects it receives from other planetary bodies and 'points'.
Yadda, and Mrs. Yadda.

Anywho, any you, this is often the case. Ladies find those men who resemble their Sun and marry them, often times.
For good or bad... 

Men marry their Moon. Especially if they like the shape of it. Kidding, kidding!
The Moon represents one's mother and women in one's life. The Sun for women.

No,no, nothing in life is so sure, every time, always the same, ironclad truth.

This is where human and interactive chemistry comes into play.

No one forces you to marry such a man or women. It is that sort of man or women who 'magically' show up in your life. As if they are drawn to you. Fate has a way of putting 'them' in your path.

And, of course you accept this as good and nice, or as an inescapable flaw in your 'picking' men personality.

Since your Sun is afflicted, marry some other planet or aspect! 
Huh?

Yes, I am serious, and no I am not nuts.
Uh, let's not vote on it!

Sigh..

Just Sayin'





[THM]- THRD


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

There is only one place for men like those described in this thread and it isn't in your heart or bed.

The Halls of the dead wait hungrily for these worthless men.

My fingers itch for their throats.

My knife is for their hearts.

Growing up while watching men beat, rape and otherwise abuse my mother and sisters and myself has left me negative tolerance for this horse ****.

I can still see the belt wrapped around my mother's neck while the waste of skin strangled her from behind.

I was 12 and I didn't know what to do.

I became hard and cold. A year later, I knocked him out with one punch.

A year after that, I came a fraction of a second from killing him after stopping him from strangling my little sister in his rape attempt.

Get your head checked OP.

You are as sick as the bastard who did this to you and your family doesn't deserve to be put through your madness any longer.

Get help and get well.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Jesus Christ.

Please listen to all the kind folks advising you to safely break this off, no contact, etc.

No one is perfect but recognize this is a huge mistake to be fixed. Then have a great life. 

I personally and up close observed and endured this in my life's journey. 

They 100% repeat, yet everyone thinks "they got the one that really will never do that again" until the violence and destructive behavior happens again.

Pls re-read the above paragraph. 

Save yourself and family.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

a_new_me said:


> To answer a few comments.
> 
> Yes I had a father that was in my life. He has passed away now. He also had a mental illness and was violent towards my mother, who stayed with him a lot longer than she should have. When she finally got rid of him, he snapped one night in anger and tried to hunt her down, unsuccessfully. He did however find me and held a screwdriver to my throat as I was crying because he wanted to find her, which he didn’t.
> 
> ...


Yes. You can.

There is something in you that is attracted to men like this. It probably goes back to your horrible childhood experience with your father. I read in a book that as adults we have a tendency to recreate the bad things we saw and experienced as children in an attempt to "fix" the situation and "get it right" this time. I don't know if that's true but it made sense to me.

I'm in my 50's and I too have done a terrible job of picking men historically. (I seem to have had a thing for narcissists.) But never ONCE in my life have I had a man hit me or turn violent on me in any way. Never once have I ever felt physically unsafe or threatened by any man I've dated or been with romantically. And while I've had arguments, never once has any man I've been with cussed me out or spit at me or called me names. I swear, the idea is *literally inconceivable *to me.

Yes, I *know* it happens. Apparently a lot. But a grown man striking a woman or child is simply *inconceivable* to me, and I'm guessing I'm in no way drawn to that. It's just not a part of my world. *And it doesn't HAVE to be a part of yours either. But you probably need PROFESSIONAL help to get to the bottom of this.* Human beings are very complicated and as you are experiencing, *knowing* something is not right and is dangerous does not shut off your *desire *for it.

Please get some real help for yourself. I hope you tell this man you cannot see him anymore. And I hope he does not know where you live. When you tell him, be prepared (self defense wise) for his nice, loving, caring facade to slip away. He could become a dangerous stalker.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

New, you may have been able to get away the last time but you may not get away from his violence the next time, he is a time bomb and it will go off and the next time he will kill you make no mistake about that, in his mind he will think "if i can't have you no one will". Please stop this right now because you are currently your worse enemy. Get this bad boy mentality out of your head and grow up you have a family that needs you. This is not a movie this is your life and you are playing with fire.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Well, thank you everyone for a the words of support. Seeing them has really helped.

I know my man picker is broken. It always has been. Through counselling I have learned that I have normalized abuse because I was surrounded by it as a child and I grew up believing that it was normal and became accustomed to it and accepting of it.

I don’t trust myself or my decision making when it comes to men at all. It always starts and then ends the same. I find someone that seems absolutely perfect for me. Things are wonderful between us and he seems just too good to be true. Then slowly the red flags start popping up here and there, usually just minor things that I am not too concerned about. Things start to intensify and the red flags get bigger and bigger, but by the time this happens I am in love and make excuses to myself for it and then everything just blows up in my face.
I then take the time to sit back and reflect upon everything that has happened and then usually make the decision to end things.
Some time passes. I am not upset anymore and I am moving on with my life. He reaches out to me and stupid me agrees to talk to him. Things are then back on, things are good for a while but then things start to go bad again but much quicker and more intensely. REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT.

I need to stop allowing to let things go too far. I need to pay more attention to the red flags when they start popping up. I need to be less forgiving.

I have so much work that I need to do on myself. I have done it before and I can do it again. 
I need to go back to the local women’s shelter and register myself in another abuse recovery group and I need to do it fast before I get myself involved with this man again and I need to just stay away from men completely, at least until I am completely healed and have the emotional strength to be able to say goodbye if and when those red flags start popping up and try to fix my broken man picker.

I also need to get over my ex. We were apart for 3 years and I did not get over him and he did not get over me. He is an addiction and I need to end that.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> There is only one place for men like those described in this thread and it isn't in your heart or bed.
> 
> The Halls of the dead wait hungrily for these worthless men.


I'm glad you said it.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Here's a theory that you may find enlightening... just a theory. https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/a-theory-on-the-role-of-love-in-abuse-fiff/ By the way,remember that it's "fool me twice..."


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

a_new_me said:


> It was just like the good old days and like we had never been apart.


Good old days normally don't include getting beaten. Stay way form this individual.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Ah, do I, or do I not write this??
> 
> OK, I do, will do, done do it.
> 
> ...




Men are the sun, but Jupiter is the husband.


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

Find a Codependents Anonymous support group nearby and go several times a week until you have broken your addiction to him. He is BAD for you. At the CA group you will learn to love yourself and be your own best friend and protector.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

SecondWind said:


> Find a Codependents Anonymous support group nearby and go several times a week until you have broken your addiction to him. He is BAD for you. At the CA group you will learn to love yourself and be your own best friend and protector.


 This is excellent advice. It sounds like you have a pattern of choosing people who abuse you, and there is something that is keeping this cycle going. I have a friend who recognized this pattern in herself, and she has spent several years purposely single while she does her own personal work. I really think that was the only way she was going to break the pattern. You seem to have a very high need to be with someone, anyone. That isn't help the period


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> I'll keep an eye on the obituaries.


That is exactly the same thought that came to me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Men are the sun, but Jupiter is the husband.


Works for me....if.

Jupiter is in the seventh house or has rulership of, or strong aspect to 7th house cusp, or planet therein.

Generally this..





[THM]-


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I can't add much more than all of the other posters except to say that I'm sending prayers that you distance yourself from him, continue therapy, and learn to stand on your own until you can choose someone you can love who will give you real love in return and not dysfunction and violence.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

TBT said:


> Here's a theory that you may find enlightening... just a theory. https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/a-theory-on-the-role-of-love-in-abuse-fiff/ By the way,remember that it's "fool me twice..."


Whoa - I just read that article. It is FASCINATING and makes a LOT of sense to me. @a_new_me -- you've got to read that article. Please tell us what you think.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

a_new_me said:


> It always starts and then ends the same. I find someone that seems absolutely perfect for me. Things are wonderful between us and he seems just too good to be true...


New You -- this right here is your proof that no matter what it FEELS like right now, this man is NOT unique. PLEASE read that article TBT posted for you. It made so much sense to me, hopefully it will resonate with you and help you step back from your intense feelings right now.




a_new_me said:


> I need to go back to the local women’s shelter and register myself in another abuse recovery group and I need to do it fast.


Please do ASAP. I am so glad to read that you have that support system and know how to get to it.



a_new_me said:


> I also need to get over my ex. We were apart for 3 years and I did not get over him and he did not get over me. He is an addiction and I need to end that.


Hopefully getting some support and a better understanding of what's going on here will end the "addiction," but in the meantime, just abstain. Cold Turkey.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> My close and dear friend dated, fell in love with, and married a man much like your ex. He beat her up while drunk/high. He apologized... Months later they started talking again...The police went to do a wellness check....We all told her to stay the **** away from that POS...She didn't listen and now she's ashes in a crypt.



Oh MJJEAJ - what a heartbreaking story.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> Oh MJJEAJ - what a heartbreaking story.


 I miss her. Her parents miss her. Her kids miss her. Other old friends I occasionally talk to still miss her, too.
@a_new_me If you can't break this addiction for yourself, then do it for those that love you.


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## hptessla (Jun 4, 2019)

SecondWind said:


> Find a Codependents Anonymous support group nearby and go several times a week until you have broken your addiction to him. He is BAD for you. At the CA group you will learn to love yourself and be your own best friend and protector.


I had an ex roommate who I continually thought of reading this. He never got violent but he was a classic stalker. Of course as soon as he would slow down on the stalking behavior the girls would initiate contact again. His previous roommate and I always laughed because his gf's were generally pretty hot looking but they were bat$**t crazy; not always obvious at first but given a few weeks it came through.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

I am going to try this week to seek some help. I really needed it this weekend, but there was nothing available, and of course, I once again screwed up and caved.
He texted me from around the corner and was like let’s go party.
I got into his car, he bought some alcohol and we drove to another city where he rented us a hotel room.
We had a few drinks and made love all night and fell asleep in each other’s arms.

We talked about a lot more things. Things that really hurt me, but are not really in my control since we are technically not together. But I know this man like a book and things are going to change. 

I will go read that article now.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

So, tonight happened,
He texted me the transcript of what happened when he was sentenced and all I could do was cry.
He is living with someone else now, but he keeps her at arm’s length. She has no idea about him, or his past or his family.
He tells me that he still loves me and wants to know how we could work again on my end of it all.
All I can think about is how stupid she must be for not asking these things. He says he doesn’t love her, and I actually believe that because if she loved him, she would want to know about his past and his family.
She would also go insane reading him going guilty repeatedly.
Poor woman. 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@a_new_me Did your ex ever hurt you? 

But your boyfriend did hurt you.

So, boyfriend's got to go.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

a_new_me said:


> So, tonight happened,
> He texted me the transcript of what happened when he was sentenced and all I could do was cry.
> He is living with someone else now, but he keeps her at arm’s length. She has no idea about him, or his past or his family.
> He tells me that he still loves me and wants to know how we could work again on my end of it all.
> ...


She doesn't know what he is, yet you do and you go back. Who is the real "poor woman" here? The one who is unknowingly with a monster, or the one who is knowingly with a monster and doesn't care about her own safety?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

a_new_me said:


> So, tonight happened,
> He texted me the transcript of what happened when he was sentenced and all I could do was cry.
> He is living with someone else now, but he keeps her at arm’s length. She has no idea about him, or his past or his family.
> He tells me that he still loves me and wants to know how we could work again on my end of it all.
> ...


New Me, Is he in a committed relationship with her? Does she know he's taking you to hotel rooms? What are you doing? 

He is getting reattached to you and when you pull back there's no telling how he will handle it. Please pull it together before it's too late.

What would happen if he texts you and you just do not respond? Or you say you are busy? Will he accept that gracefully? Or will he lose his **** and start stalking you or turn on you?

Have you gone to the women's shelter or talked with anyone who can help you gain some perspective? Or are you putting that off because you don't want to hear what you know they're going to say?

I'm pulling for you but I'm getting a very bad feeling.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

An ex stalked his ex wife down where she worked and shot her dead in my home town. 

You are playing with your life. What it your son is with you when he snaps again?


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

So, I want to add a few updates on life.

I knew my ex is dangerous, but I was still drawn. 

We actually went on an amazing vacation together, but ended up splitting ties after it, with a lot of love making, holding hands, sharing an amazing amount of memories together. Holding each other, kissing, touching, making more moments.

It was bittersweet.
It was like our final goodbye.
I needed it. He needed it.

We will always have our goodbye that we both needed. We both have our photos.

I am so destroyed again because I could have forgiven him about everything and moved forward, but I would have lost everyone else in my life, and they are most important to me.

At least I said my peace and I am alive after because he did try to kill me when we were alone. 

Time to pick up the pieces, vent, move on. 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

a_new_me said:


> So, I want to add a few updates on life.
> 
> I knew my ex is dangerous, but I was still drawn.
> 
> ...


Best wishes for the rest of your life.

And remember, we will always be here for you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

a_new_me said:


> So, I want to add a few updates on life.
> 
> I knew my ex is dangerous, but I was still drawn.
> 
> ...


Talk about fatal attraction!


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Talk about fatal attraction!




No crap!!!

I am just happy I made it out alive.

I will always have a place in my heart, but I know what he will do and he was finally smart and knew it too. 


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

You are in the “cycle” of violence. You fall in love, have the crap kicked out of you, leave and whoa, back in love. Rinse and repeat.
Personally, I’ve been involved with both the perpetrators and victims both in my 40 years of work that I have been in and rarely see a change in the above cycle.

Can people change? Yes, but not without mega work on their parts to overcome the innate anger issues to begin with. Does the counseling and work make them a safe partner? In some cases yes, but I believe for the most part no. Check with your local women’s shelter for statistics.

Have I seen the worst outcome in my life? Yes I have and unfortunately those ladies will never see their children grow. 


I’m not trying to be harsh or flipping your feelings off, I’m just giving you my perspective from many years of working in a couple of fields in which these types of situations were rampant. 

Take my comments whichever way you want,I wish you the best in your deliberations.

OT

Just read your last post, glad you pulled the pin. I really believe you saved yourself.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

I did pull it.
I needed to say good bye so that I could move forward. I am working through over 40 years of pain....hopefully the last 4 has that lasting impact.

Thank you for all of your support. 


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