# Men: Wife weight gain?



## Lexi

I gained over 80 pounds during my 3 year marriage and my DH repeatedly made it clear he was no longer attracted to me and that I needed to lose the weight. I was unable to do so and he has since left me. I don't fault him but I also know that I would have loved him regardless of what he weighed. 

Men: why is a woman's physical appearance so important?


----------



## Triumph

The importance of the spouses physical appearance will be different for every guy, but in general, yes, we place physical beauty in high regard. That is to say that not every man will leave a wife for gaining x amount of weight.

Why... we are hardwired that way. Pretty simple. We are very visual creatures, hands on kinda stuff. We dont have the emotional intuitivity of women, and so we rely on physical features more so than women.

Its all based on the need to breed. Look back in history and "bigger girls" were considered sexy because wide hips and large breasts would subconciously indicate that she has good breeding genes. Wide hips would allow for easier births, and larger breasts would allow for more breast feeding.

Thats obviously not the norm now. Maybe media and a hyper-sexualized culture are partly to blame.


----------



## morituri

Your husband's thoughtless behavior is appalling. If he was a loving spouse, he would have encouraged you to eat better, exercise, get plenty of rest, and celebrated your small weight loss victories. In fact, he would have participated with you in the program to lose fat since it is more than likely that he could stand to lose a few pounds of fat himself.

Please don't stereotype all men just because your husband is a jerk.


----------



## canjad80

Triumph said:


> The importance of the spouses physical appearance will be different for every guy, but in general, yes, we place physical beauty in high regard. That is to say that not every man will leave a wife for gaining x amount of weight.
> 
> Why... we are hardwired that way. Pretty simple. We are very visual creatures, hands on kinda stuff. We dont have the emotional intuitivity of women, and so we rely on physical features more so than women.
> 
> Its all based on the need to breed. Look back in history and "bigger girls" were considered sexy because wide hips and large breasts would subconciously indicate that she has good breeding genes. Wide hips would allow for easier births, *and larger breasts would allow for more breast feeding.*
> 
> Thats obviously not the norm now. Maybe media and a hyper-sexualized culture are partly to blame.


Actually, the bolded part is incorrect. Breast size has nothing to do with milk storage capacity, and research shows that babies actually have more difficulty feeding on larger breasts than smaller ones. 

Otherwise I agree with though - I'm just pedantic


----------



## that_girl

80 pounds in 3 years is a lot.

I gained a lot with my pregnancy and lost it over 2 years (which was hard)...my husband never mentioned leaving me because of it, but I was unhappy with myself so I made a change.

What caused the 80 pound gain? Is it something that bothered you? 

i would still love my husband no matter what, but 80 pounds in 3 years is excessive and appearances aside, I'd worry about his health.


----------



## Hubby01

You know, a few pounds, even 20 or 30, I call BS on his behalf.

But were talking about over 25 pounds a year, which even if you were 160 to begin with means you have increased in weight 50%.

Forget the health issues etc, this was something you could have done something about, and didn't so he left.

End of story.

Oh, and ALMOST any husband thats out there trying to push the issue with his wife to lose weight is on a hiding to nothing and it's generally not ending well!


----------



## tacoma

Lexi said:


> Men: why is a woman's physical appearance so important?


the same reason a mans Physical appearance is so important to a woman
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl

Hubby01 said:


> You know, a few pounds, even 20 or 30, I call BS on his behalf.
> 
> But were talking about over 25 pounds a year, which even if you were 160 to begin with means you have increased in weight 50%.
> 
> Forget the health issues etc, this was something you could have done something about, and didn't so he left.
> 
> End of story.
> 
> Oh, and ALMOST any husband thats out there trying to push the issue with his wife to lose weight is on a hiding to nothing and it's generally not ending well!


Yea, I don't think leaving is the answer, but when you marry someone at a certain weight, you don't think they'll gain 80 pounds in 3 years. I would be disappointed. It would tell me my husband doesn't care about himself or what I thnk about him....that is if it wasn't some medical condition he had no control over.


----------



## Hubby01

that_girl said:


> Yea, I don't think leaving is the answer, but when you marry someone at a certain weight, you don't think they'll gain 80 pounds in 3 years. I would be disappointed. It would tell me my husband doesn't care about himself or what I thnk about him....that is if it wasn't some medical condition he had no control over.


For all we know her hubby may have been supporting and helping from day one. 3 years later, he reached the end of his measure.

I'm sure it didn't come completely unannounced.


----------



## elph

i wanna chime in on this one from a a few different perspectives...

first, a womans appearence is important to a man. period. we can say it isnt, but it is. now that may lessen over time. when i first met my wife, she was a beautiful 125 lbs in all the right places. over the next 16 years her weight fluctuated maxing out a t 170 normal (she went over that during pregnancy, but that didnt count.) she now stays around 145-150, agian, in all the right places.

the weight gain used to bother me. when we broke up for about a year, she went from 170 to 135, while she was dating this abusive a-hole. we got back together and she went up to 155, her marriage weight. 

i learned to love my wifes curves and now would have her no other way...but the thing is, those years before i came to this sense of acceptace a few things would enter my mind.

1. she lost the weight for another man, and put it back on for me. to me it seemed like she didnt care. and "let her self go". she didnt respect me and didnt stay in shape for me....(i later realized there was the happines thing going on, as well when she lost that weight, it was all stress related)

2 as the weight was put on, she found her self less and less energetic. it affected her health and the things she could do, and what we could do together...more active activities became less, and movie night more and more...not that its a bad thing, but still when the weathers nice...

3. she didnt look as sexy in her clothes...lets face it, certain things look better on thinner bodies..its the way it is, its chauvanistic, but thats the way the world turns...BUT ALSO...she didnt feel as sexy in her clothes....no matter what i told her, there was resistance. and i got however to hear her complain about it and her clothes not fitting and several outfit changes all the time, and it just got annoying...
as a guy i wanted to help and fix the problem. i loved to work out, but it wasnt her thing...it just got so frustrating...and 
4. sex just want as much fun...for most of the related reasons. her self conciousness lead to her not wanting to be naked as much. which cut in to sex. her health and visual appearnece werent as much of a turn on for a little bit...and a lot of that had to do with her attitude...


now i grew up, like i said, and learn to not only accept what ever weight she is, but embrace it...

but i would also figure your husband at least owes you an honest explanation. it the weigt gain turns him off, well than thats kinda his perogative. could he have done somethigng about it, sure, but(as my doctor says) the ultimate responsibility for your health and appearnece belong to you.

its very possible that hes taken your wieght gain as a sign that you dont care about him anymore, because you dont care enough to look the way he likes you to look...its a respect thing.

i thing its an assholish thing he did, but at the same time ive always though a 10-15% weight gain should be the accepted norm (outside of pregnancy ) for both sexes...usually thats not to much to throw thing s too out of whack..but thats just my opinion....

but who knows the real reason he left...

that also said, 80lbs is a lot of weight...go find 80lbs to life somewhere..thats a good amount..


----------



## that_girl

My white lab is 78 pounds. He's a huge dog. Just perspective for me.


----------



## omega

Coming from someone who lost 100 pounds a few years ago, I can definitely see how weight gain and loss can happen quickly, but I certainly can't excuse a spouse for leaving over something like that. While I can't prove it's true, my husband has told me at least 10 times that he wouldn't love me any less if I weighted 350 pounds. He weighed 40 lbs more than he does now a year ago, he told me he wanted to lose weight so I reduced our calories and he lost the weight in just a few months (it's easy for men) but I can honestly say 1000% that I didn't find him any less attractive when he was 40 lbs overweight, and wouldn't love him any less if he were 350 lbs either. 

I would be worried (no - scared) about his health, which is very important to me. As it is, I police his health as much as possible because he has heart issues in his family. But LOVE less? Not a chance. It's far too shallow.

Would it be acceptable to leave your spouse if they lost an arm? What would you say? When I married you, you had two arms. I didn't want to marry a one-armed person! I know it's not a perfect analogy - weight gain takes time and it's reversible - but it's a basic change in physical appearance and ability that doesn't change a person's heart or who they are inside.

This kind of thing makes me sad for those who can't love their spouses for who they are on the inside. Lexi, I'm sure you're an awesome person and 80 lbs one way or the other isn't going to change that.


----------



## Susankat

Husbands can still view wives as chattels, in a way - does the car look nice - is the dog a purebred - apparently we represent these guys, perhaps by virtue of good looks. My husband always says - regarding his buddies - "I win". don't get me wrong, I disagree with this thinking. I do try to keep my cholesterol down by power walking - and at 50 yrs old, 5'8" I weigh 135lbs. I do this for me however, and the benefits are for me.

I will live longer - with or without this individual who is concerned about his public appearance.

Do things to improve yourself - do not continue on the plan to worry about what guys want. What do you want?

You need to realize that my husband is a 6'3" tall swede and skinny that all the prejudice guys at his construction work place assume that I am 300lbs. My husband does not take steroids - and they do - so younger guys today are more concerned about appearance, or they have more access to change that appearance, than my husband. The lust for a great muscled body has men rethinking, they don't just have to bring home the bacon....So perhpaps in this sick-minded way of improving themselves, feel that everything related to them needs to be extraordinarily special.(wow - their problem, not ours, plus remember this line of thinking is not healthy!)


----------



## Halien

Lexi said:


> I gained over 80 pounds during my 3 year marriage and my DH repeatedly made it clear he was no longer attracted to me and that I needed to lose the weight. I was unable to do so and he has since left me. I don't fault him but I also know that I would have loved him regardless of what he weighed.
> 
> Men: why is a woman's physical appearance so important?


It does sound as if he was being pretty rash and callous. Did he try to help? Did he use positive motivation? It doesn't sound so. It sounds very hurtful.

But if a person tries to be loving and supporting, its a little unfair to say that a person has to be attracted to something that they find unnattractive, in my opinion, but maybe I say so because I've dealt with it for a very long time.

This does not excuse his behavior, because it sounds like he handled it in a way that only hurt. I think you can find a man who values you for more.

In my case, though, I've tried to work with my wife for nearly 15 years. She'll gain and then lose 50 to 60 pounds. Now, she has a serious food addiction, and its worse. To a guy, many of us can look deeper, into the positive qualities underneath to find attraction. To be honest, though, given the depression and negative attitude of my wife, this is one of my biggest struggles, and areas of guilt. To us, health was a very serious subject, and she tends to be more critical of obesity than me. She has been diagnosed with an addiction, and would kick me to the curb in a heartbeat if I was addicted to a substance. Its not an easy situation.

BTW - At 46, I'm at the same health I was 25 years ago. When we plan vacations to the beach or mountains, she opts out at the last minute, so we only vacation together if it is a sedentary vacation.


----------



## uphillbattle

My wife had an extra 40-50lbs after our last baby. She has just recently lost most of it, but for the 2 1/2 years she had it, I did not care. This being said, it annoyed the hell out of me that she *****ed about it every day without doing anything about it. So I guess it did bother me but not because how she looked but more because she had a problem with it and wasn't willing to do anything about it.


----------



## AFEH

Lexi said:


> I gained over 80 pounds during my 3 year marriage and my DH repeatedly made it clear he was no longer attracted to me and that I needed to lose the weight. I was unable to do so and he has since left me. I don't fault him but I also know that I would have loved him regardless of what he weighed.
> 
> Men: why is a woman's physical appearance so important?


For me a lot would depend on why you put the weight on. Why did you put they weight on?


----------



## PBear

I was in the same boat as some of the other guys. Both me and my wife put on a few pounds over the years. I'm guessing in the range of 40 to 60 pounds each, but that was also over 15+ years (not 3). 80 pounds in three years is a lot, like over 2 pounds a month.

In that time, I never found myself thinking of leaving my wife because she had put on weight. I'd jump her bones anytime I could. 

But... It was her mindset/attitude that had a significant factor in our splitting up. She would be constantly complaining about her weight, yet she would do nothing about it. She did the grocery shopping for the family, and junk food was a significant chunk of what she bought. She would self-medicate herself with a bottle (not glass) of wine 3 or 4 nights a week, even when money was tight. She was very self conscious of her appearance, and the lights had to be on low or off when she was naked. And she wasn't willing to try to talk or work through any of this, with me or anyone else.

Admittedly, it didn't help that about 2 years before I left our marriage, I had a bit of a health scare, and I ended up doing a 180 on how I treated my body. I lost my extra weight, and am now wearing the same size clothes I wore pre-college. I run and workout on a regular basis, and I had started to buy my own groceries and even fix my own meals when I was working my hardest to lose weight. My dropping back to my pre-college weight obviously didn't help with her self esteem issues, but I wasn't willing to sacrifice my health to try to make her happier. On the other hand, I was very willing to work WITH her if she wanted to try to make those same adjustments.

My current GF is probably pretty close to the same height and weight as my STBXW, although they do carry it a little different. But the difference in mindset is night and day. My GF has retained her sexuality, even if she would prefer to be a few pounds lighter. She spends time and effort looking her best, on her hair, makeup, and clothes, in contrast to my STBXW who was happy going out to the store in sweats. She likes showing off her body (and I and other guys like seeing it!) and will prance naked in front of me in the middle of the afternoon or wear cleavage displaying tops when we go out to the bar. She wears sexy undies always, and allows/encourages pictures and videos. Our sex life is simply incredible, and if it gets any better because she loses that weight, I fear I might not be able to keep up. 

So to make a long post even longer... Yes, I might find a smaller body more physically attractive than a larger body. And it might affect initial attraction. But mindset and attitude are the real keys for me.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kobo

IMO, There are other issues besides the weight gain. My wife yo-yo', I don't notice except in pictures. My attraction doesn't dimish if she gets heavy and doesn't increase if she loses. My attraction stays high the entire time. I will say she has never gotten close to the "Biggest Loser" starting size. What I'm saying is men don't generally marry the hottest women they've been with and we usually don't marry a women strictly because of her looks. I think the physical appearance gets used as a cop out for problems that require deeper discussion. 


Also I like women with hips, thighs, and booty. Boobs are not major for me. So maybe you should take my opinion with a grain of salt. Guys around here seem to like their women around 125-130. I picture a women with the body of an 11 yr old boy when I read that. I might break a woman that size in half.


----------



## that_girl

Kobo said:


> Also I like women with hips, thighs, and booty. Boobs are not major for me. So maybe you should take my opinion with a grain of salt. Guys around here seem to like their women around 125-130. I picture a women with the body of an 11 yr old boy when I read that. I might break a woman that size in half.


lol. I am 160 (and I've lost 40 pounds since January) and want to get to 140. I'm 5'6". That's healthy for me.

I was 125 before children...ain't never gettin' back that.


----------



## Kobo

that_girl said:


> lol. I am 160 (and I've lost 40 pounds since January) and want to get to 140. I'm 5'6". That's healthy for me.
> 
> I was 125 before children...ain't never gettin' back that.



160 looks like it suits you well from what I see in your avatar. You can be healthy at 160. I'm 6'1 210. The chart says I should be 185. I haven't been 185 since 11th grade. To me that would be too low. I guess I would have a 6pack instead of a 2pack. I do lift so that changes it a bit. I run 5ks, work out 4 times a week, and see my doctor every year.Besides my knee I'm doing good. But to the subject, If everything else is going well in a relationship, most men won't leave because of a change in appearance.


----------



## that_girl

Yea, I have boobs and a butt...lol. I think that's where the 160 is.


----------



## trey69

Why all the weight gain? I would say there might be deeper issue here other than just weight. I also have a feeling your husband didn't just leave you over a weight issue. I can understand him getting fed up if you were not trying to take better care of yourself, but to leave you over it, I just have to say I think there was more going on here.


----------



## COGypsy

While I can see that someone would have attraction issues with such a significant weight gain, I also have to say that your husband has been more than a little shady in a lot of ways that don't seem to have much to do with your weight.

That being said, 80 pounds in 3 years doesn't really just "creep" on. That takes some serious behavioral work. I would guess that the loss of physical attraction is probably a combination of the physical changes, plus whatever changes brought you to that kind of weight gain--illness, depression, whatever. Whatever could make you self-medicate so heavily with _anything_ probably didn't make you the most attractive person in a lot of ways.

Also the general feeling that you can both see this serious problem happening and yet you don't care enough to address the issue for yourself, or for him could be very frustrating.

And if one isn't terribly introspective or communicative about their emotions, that probably just gets lumped into "I'm not attracted to you anymore".

But at the same time, he's still attracted enough to keep you as Plan B if all these fabulous saved, devout and equally yoked Christian women willing to mess around with a married man don't work out...so seriously, I'd take a hard look at how much value his words really have. Maybe this is a wake-up call, and a harsh one at that--but I would also look at the source a lot of this is coming from! :scratchhead:


----------



## I'mAllIn

Kobo said:


> IMO, There are other issues besides the weight gain. My wife yo-yo', I don't notice except in pictures. My attraction doesn't dimish if she gets heavy and doesn't increase if she loses. My attraction stays high the entire time. I will say she has never gotten close to the "Biggest Loser" starting size. What I'm saying is men don't generally marry the hottest women they've been with and we usually don't marry a women strictly because of her looks. I think the physical appearance gets used as a cop out for problems that require deeper discussion.
> 
> 
> Also I like women with hips, thighs, and booty. Boobs are not major for me. So maybe you should take my opinion with a grain of salt. Guys around here seem to like their women around 125-130. I picture a women with the body of an 11 yr old boy when I read that. I might break a woman that size in half.


You sound like my H. His ideal is Jennifer Lopez, not Jennifer Aniston, so I never feel the pressure after two kids to look like I did when we met. That said, I did get heavier than I ever intended a while back during a rough spot in our marriage. Not once did he threaten to leave. He insisted he still found me attractive, and any time I said I wanted to do something about it he offered to do anything he could to help. A few months back my daughter got engaged, and then things in my marriage came to a head, and I just decided it was time to think about myself and do better. I've lost 35lbs so far, feel better, my clothes look better, and my H is the biggest reason for my success. He's been better than I personal trainer. Instead of just saying generic things like "you look good" he'll be really specific, like "I always though you were sexy, but since you've lost weight I love the curve of your back right here". Things like that make me feel great and like the work is really worth it and making a difference and makes me want to work even harder. 
Spouses can be either the biggest motivators/helpers or the biggest roadblocks to weight loss I think. A husband just leaving tells me that he probably would not have been able to support you through anything else ugly/messy/difficult down the road either.


----------



## PBear

I'mAllIn said:


> Spouses can be either the biggest motivators/helpers or the biggest roadblocks to weight loss I think. A husband just leaving tells me that he probably would not have been able to support you through anything else ugly/messy/difficult down the road either.



Except he didn't "just leave". He made it clear repeatedly (according to her first post) that he had lost attraction for her. It's like someone telling their spouse that once a month sex isn't good enough, and if things don't change, they'll leave. Yes, it sucks to be on the receiving end, and there's possibly better ways to handle it. We don't know if he was supportive or not. But he didn't "just leave".

C


----------



## that_girl

www.myfitnesspal.com

Use it


----------



## AppleDucklings

Your husband is a douschebag for leaving you over weight gain. I also gained weight from pregnancies. I'm not skinny-skinny but I'm not fat either. I'm average sized (size 12) The funny thing is my ex once told me he was unattracted to me because of my weight gain yet the woman he cheated on me with was a good 50 lbs heavier than me. If your husband is that shallow, you are better off.


----------



## marksaysay

During our marriage, my wife went from size 6-8 to 16. It didn't even bother me. She was even self-consceince of it, often refusing to let me see her during intimate moments. I would try to assure her it didn't bother me, but to no avail. Now she is back down to a 6-8 (from what I could tell the last time I saw her), and in the midst of her affair fog.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Zzyzx

A woman's weight is a big deal to me. I'm very slender and wiry strong to begin with (5-10, 150#) and am in very good shape for my age, but I can really pack them on if I eat nothing but junk as I sure have the genes for it. Though my preference is for women who weigh less than I do, I can tolerate up to 170 or so if she carries it well.

The really important thing to me is does she have the self-discipline to keep what she has under control? She does not have to be at her young adult weight, just do her best to look good with what she has. I lead an active lifestyle, I want my girl out there with me so I really don't want to be with someone who doesn't share my self-discipline around food and fitness. I want to know this before I marry her and at my age, I also will want to know about her health issues.


----------



## that_girl

Zzyzx said:


> A woman's weight is a big deal to me. I'm very slender and wiry strong to begin with (5-10, 150#) and am in very good shape for my age, but I can really pack them on if I eat nothing but junk as I sure have the genes for it. Though my preference is for women who weigh less than I do, I can tolerate up to 170 or so if she carries it well.
> 
> The really important thing to me is does she have the self-discipline to keep what she has under control? She does not have to be at her young adult weight, just do her best to look good with what she has. I lead an active lifestyle, I want my girl out there with me so I really don't want to be with someone who doesn't share my self-discipline around food and fitness. I want to know this before I marry her and at my age, I also will want to know about her health issues.


I agree...

and I have to say, I've driven on that road  (Zzyzx)


----------



## southern wife

tacoma said:


> the same reason a mans Physical appearance is so important to a woman
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


----------



## nice777guy

A change in weight like that results from a change in habits - and will likely lead to more lifestyle changes due to a decline in health.

I'm guessing there were other issues - not just physical attractiveness - involved here.


----------



## CallaLily

I understand if your husband was upset by you not trying to lose weight, especially if he had tried to help encourage you and was supportive. However, your weight also could be just an excuse he was using to leave. I'm not sure though because we don't know if he was supportive and tried to help you or not. I do think there may ahve been other issues going on as well.


----------



## lht285

Attractive does not just have to do with looks. I know plenty of fat women that I find to be sexually attractive because they have the right Attitude. They are vivacious, interesting to talk to, fun to be around and comfortable in their body. I know some very skinny women that I am not at all attracted to, because their attitude is horrible. The most important thing you can do is feel good about YOU. If that takes working out and getting into the best shape of your life, then do it to make you feel better. If you are feeling good about you with some extra weight, you need to project it. 

If you are in great shape and miserable, it shows. I grew up lusting after a sports illustrated swimsuit model, and would follow her around as a teenager at parties. She left town a couple of years later, because...her husband cheated on her. Beauty is great, looks are great, but with a bad attitude and having a display of misery will make even a swimsuit model lose her appeal. 

You probably have seen or heard of the email that goes around showing an incredibly beautiful woman and the caption on the picture reads "Somewhere out there some guy is tired of her $hit." or the other one "Somewhere out there some guy is tired of f*cking her". Funny, but true. Looks are not everything, attraction is a mix of many things.


----------



## ManDup

Zzyzx said:


> A woman's weight is a big deal to me. I'm very slender and wiry strong to begin with (5-10, 150#) and am in very good shape for my age, but I can really pack them on if I eat nothing but junk as I sure have the genes for it. Though my preference is for women who weigh less than I do, I can tolerate up to 170 or so if she carries it well.
> 
> The really important thing to me is does she have the self-discipline to keep what she has under control? She does not have to be at her young adult weight, just do her best to look good with what she has. I lead an active lifestyle, I want my girl out there with me so I really don't want to be with someone who doesn't share my self-discipline around food and fitness. I want to know this before I marry her and at my age, I also will want to know about her health issues.


I agree. If you gain weight that fast, and show no signs of slowing down or being able to control it, that would be a big deal for me. My mother was overweight my whole life, and she always ranted about it, and always seemed unhappy, so to me it's a big deal. Attraction is also, to me, a critical issue in a marriage, because I've already had kids so I got married mainly for sex, partly for long-term companionship. I made that clear up front, and if she was up 25 pounds already (1 yr aniv this month), we'd be having serious conversations. It sounds like the H warned her and she didn't change. When you set a boundary and it's run over, what should you do?


----------



## heartsbeating

PBear said:


> But the difference in mindset is night and day.
> 
> So to make a long post even longer... Yes, I might find a smaller body more physically attractive than a larger body. And it might affect initial attraction. But mindset and attitude are the real keys for me.


My husband pretty much said the same thing. I asked him this question, in all seriousness, how he'd feel if I gained a substantial amount of weight and if it would be a problem for him. Ruling out weight gain being related to medical conditions and/or pregnancy, he'd want to know _why_ the weight gain.

Over a span of 16 years, I've gained around 13lbs. I'm not skinny, I'm curvaceous with small/average frame. We're both stepping up the exercise again but my gradual increase of weight over time, means I don't look that much different. I still plan on working off 10lbs as I felt that weight suited my build the most. My husband likes consistency and he likes that I don't drastically gain and lose weight. I know he finds it sexy when I go jogging or work-out. Not just because of the physical benefits, it's because he finds the state of mind behind these actions alluring. My weight is kept reasonably balanced because of what I'm happy with for myself. He loves to cook, I don't count calories. 

He said he'd still love me of course, but if I gained a lot of weight, it would likely affect his physical attractiveness to me. 

In saying this however, he also had a similar sentiment to PBear - that it's also about the person. For him, being active, being engaged with life, taking pride in yourself (regardless of size) is more attractive and sexy to him than a particular body shape or size. that_girl mentioned she'd gained weight with pregnancy and worked hard to get this off, well that would be attractive to him. Almost regardless if the weight came off or not. If he saw there was effort, confidence and pride, he finds that attractive. 

He asked me the same question back and my answer was very similar in response. Physical attraction is influenced by personality, attitude, and other qualities too. I feel the OP might need to expand on the story - I suspect there was more to this?


----------



## Halien

I think its so much about the attitude and personality. Although my wife has dramatically gained weight, if given a choice, I'd take self-confidence and the ability to smile over losing weight. But I personally think that some people take a very harsh view of men who find unhealthy body shapes to be unattractive.

As a contrast, I read a really interesting article over the weekend. A dating coach set up online profiles for men who were pretty successful, and attractive, but short. But the author left out their height. They received many, many hits in a short amount of time. In another city with similar demographics, he put the same information and pics, but added the height. No hits whatsoever. The author said that some of the women polled would be more likely to consider men with past criminal records than short guys, even the very successful ones. I guess the good thing is that a woman doesn't stand a chance of her guy getting shorter through the years, though.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

Anybody read Lexi's other post? Her husband insisted she convert to Christianity and after she did, he said she wasn't "saved enough" so he now views divorce as an option in that she isn't a "real Christian". I'd bet money even if she wouldn't have gained weight, he would have found some reason to excuse setting up online profiles on dating sites and actively seeking out others. In her other post he used the weight and her religion as being his reason for seeking out "the one". She could have been thin and he still would have excused his behavior because it sounds like nothing Lexi could do would be enough in his "Godly" eyes. He sounds about as charming as cancer.

Lexi, lose the weight for yourself and lose the idiot who deems himself the Messiah. Take back YOUR life.


----------



## that_girl

Oh, well in that case, screw him. 

But help yourself and lose that weight. Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com It works


----------



## heartsbeating

that_girl said:


> Oh, well in that case, screw him.


:iagree:

I can't help but wonder why you'd be with someone like that in the first place? (based on summary provided by TRBE). Focus on your own self-worth. Best wishes to you Lexi.


----------



## heartsbeating

Halien said:


> I think its so much about the attitude and personality. Although my wife has dramatically gained weight, if given a choice, I'd take self-confidence and the ability to smile over losing weight. But I personally think that some people take a very harsh view of men who find unhealthy body shapes to be unattractive.
> 
> As a contrast, I read a really interesting article over the weekend. A dating coach set up online profiles for men who were pretty successful, and attractive, but short. But the author left out their height. They received many, many hits in a short amount of time. In another city with similar demographics, he put the same information and pics, but added the height. No hits whatsoever. The author said that some of the women polled would be more likely to consider men with past criminal records than short guys, even the very successful ones. I guess the good thing is that a woman doesn't stand a chance of her guy getting shorter through the years, though.


Ever been to a Prince concert? There's a lot to be said for attitude, confidence and exuding sensuality, from both sides of the fence. That dude is 5"3 and would have most women dropping their pannies in a second.

I get the survey was demonstrating preferences in a physical sense though. Of course there's a lot to be said for those extra qualities that can only be revealed from observation or interaction with the person.


----------



## Halien

heartsbeating said:


> Ever been to a Prince concert? There's a lot to be said for attitude, confidence and exuding sensuality, from both sides of the fence. That dude is 5"3 and would have most women dropping their pannies in a second.
> 
> I get the survey was demonstrating preferences in a physical sense though. Of course there's a lot to be said for those extra qualities that can only be revealed from observation or interaction with the person.


Nope, never been to one of his concerts, but it seems a little daunting to think that a shorter guy would have to match his charisma to balance the equation. I'm 5' 11" but my older brother is 5' 8" and divorced. Just pointing out that he and I faced completely different envirmonments in the dating field when we were young. Apparently, women were more willing to accept butt-ugly than short, because I didn't have his problems.


----------



## that_girl

Prince is so beautiful...omg...


----------



## heartsbeating

that_girl said:


> Prince is so beautiful...omg...


I knew I liked you


----------



## that_girl

But I don't know about 80 pounds. that's a lot. not saying I would leave, but I'd have serious issues with 80 pounds in 3 years.


----------



## heartsbeating

Halien said:


> Nope, never been to one of his concerts, but it seems a little daunting to think that a shorter guy would have to match his charisma to balance the equation. I'm 5' 11" but my older brother is 5' 8" and divorced. Just pointing out that he and I faced completely different envirmonments in the dating field when we were young. Apparently, women were more willing to accept butt-ugly than short, because I didn't have his problems.


Well it applies to all of us - personality, attitude are key, regardless of looks, and then it's whether those qualities are what someone else admires/is attracted to. Are you suggesting you were the butt-ugly brother? Maybe you had other qualities going on that you're not giving yourself props for. Maybe your brother thought he could rely on his good looks? Speculating. Anyway, I'm just saying that I think we have personal physical preferences but when we see beyond the physical, that person either becomes much more attractive or less, based on demeanor etc. The usual story.


----------



## Jamison

The 80 pounds maybe came from him being such a controlling jerk. I mean if he is going to tell her to convert and she does and its not good enough, surely he does this in other areas of the marriage too, her self esteem is probably shot because of him. No wonder she put on weight. To the OP, I think he did you a favor by leaving, sorry, you can do better.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

Jamison said:


> The 80 pounds maybe came from him being such a controlling jerk. I mean if he is going to tell her to convert and she does and its not good enough, surely he does this in other areas of the marriage too, her self esteem is probably shot because of him. No wonder she put on weight. To the OP, I think he did you a favor by leaving, sorry, you can do better.


Freaking word. FWIW, oftentimes it is beneficial to read previous posts to see where the person is coming from. It's easy to say well duh, you gained 80 pounds and fault her but when you read who this idiot really is all about, yeah, it's a window in to his self righteous world. She was never good enough.


----------



## Halien

Jamison said:


> The 80 pounds maybe came from him being such a controlling jerk. I mean if he is going to tell her to convert and she does and its not good enough, surely he does this in other areas of the marriage too, her self esteem is probably shot because of him. No wonder she put on weight. To the OP, I think he did you a favor by leaving, sorry, you can do better.


I agree. My wife struggled with eating disorders even when we dated 24 years ago. She would have many years where it was not a problem, but would usually cycle back into it occasionally. One of the key things that I've learned early in the marriage is that there is often a cruel internal drama going on in the mind of someone who is gaining weight rapidly. Those that love them can either unwittingly enable the hurtful process, or create an environment of support (we can't necessarily heal it). When I read Brighteyes' comments, it was incredibly saddening. If a man in such a relationship thinks that an atmosphere of criticism can actually help, then he is probably the wrong person for her.Despite both of our mistakes, my wife only overcame it when she felt accepted and empowered to overcome


----------



## Kobo

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Freaking word. FWIW, oftentimes it is beneficial to read previous posts to see where the person is coming from. It's easy to say well duh, you gained 80 pounds and fault her but when you read who this idiot really is all about, yeah, it's a window in to his self righteous world. She was never good enough.


Most people said there had to be other reasons. The majority of men that love their wives don't divorce over weight gain. Divorce rates would be at 85% in Georgia If that was the case.


----------



## Halien

heartsbeating said:


> Are you suggesting you were the butt-ugly brother? .


Maybe not butt-ugly, but I was egged on to participate in an internal marketing shoot a few years ago. Funny how the corporate logo tended to line up over my face, though. I'm just kidding, and ranting about the shorter brother, so sorry for filling up diversion space. He's got a great personality, and people say he looks like Matt Damon, but he lives in a new state and is out of the search profile of about 99% of the women on every site he uses. He only gets hits if he's honest about his salary, but those are all from women half his age. He now does it the old fashioned way --- by meeting women in the grocery store.


----------



## ManDup

Halien said:


> Maybe not butt-ugly, but I was egged on to participate in an internal marketing shoot a few years ago. Funny how the corporate logo tended to line up over my face, though. I'm just kidding, and ranting about the shorter brother, so sorry for filling up diversion space. He's got a great personality, and people say he looks like Matt Damon, but he lives in a new state and is out of the search profile of about 99% of the women on every site he uses. He only gets hits if he's honest about his salary, but those are all from women half his age. He now does it the old fashioned way --- by meeting women in the grocery store.


This is an exact quote I heard from a fat chick: "Men are soooo shallow. I can't believe it. The only hits I got are from short guys."


----------



## Runs like Dog

80lbs is like an 11 year old. 80lbs is a large dog, 2 regular sized bags of topsoil, 10 gallons of water or TWO 46" flat screen TVs.


----------



## Wolf1969

Lexi, I think I am in a PRIME position to answer this because I am going through it right now. You can see my thread here...http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/29510-i-think-i-would-happier-alone.html.

In my case, my wife was not that heavy when we got together but is now morbidly obese. I have not been sexually attracted to her for a long time and cringed at the thought of sex. We have not had sex in over a year. I am getting ready to see a therapist over the issue to learn HOW to confront her about it. Either she changes or I leave.

Honestly, she told me the same thing..."I would love you know matter what you weighed." To me, that is a cop-out...an excuse for her to NOT lose the weight.

And to not sound heartless...I have tried helping her for YEARS. But all of that is in MY thread. I just see how some people on here paint with a broad brush and call him a jerk. I even quit smoking COLD TURKEY at the end of September to show her that you can change if you want to. it has not helped.


----------



## that_girl

Runs like Dog said:


> 80lbs is like an 11 year old. 80lbs is a large dog, 2 regular sized bags of topsoil, 10 gallons of water or TWO 46" flat screen TVs.


Yea, my dog is 78ish pounds.


----------



## Jamison

To the OP, I hope you come back and shed some more light on the subject. I hope no one hurt your feelings or scared you away.


----------



## Laurae1967

Jamison said:


> The 80 pounds maybe came from him being such a controlling jerk. I mean if he is going to tell her to convert and she does and its not good enough, surely he does this in other areas of the marriage too, her self esteem is probably shot because of him. No wonder she put on weight. To the OP, I think he did you a favor by leaving, sorry, you can do better.


BINGO! You don't gain 80 lbs. in 3 years unless you are using food to cope with emotional issues. She wasn't getting love at home and so she substituted food as a way to feel good, is my guess. And her weight gain is probably proportional to how much of an a$$hole he was to her.


----------



## Laurae1967

That_girl - I find it insulting and insensitive for you to talk about your dog's weight on this thread. Seriously.


----------



## that_girl

Laurae1967 said:


> That_girl - I find it insulting and insensitive for you to talk about your dog's weight on this thread. Seriously.


I'm not calling her a dog. What the hell? It just puts it into perspective because she doesn't seem to see how 80 pounds in 3 years is a big deal!

Nothing else around here is 80 pounds. Get a grip. She gained weight and she CAN lose it. When I was losing my weight (and I'm still losing), I constantly threw in real life things to go "wow!" because I've lost a car tire, a small toddler and a cat. What. Is that insensitive? Sorry. But it is what it is.


----------



## olderblue-eyes

Weight gain is an epidemic in the USA. I am 40# over ideal myself now, but my weight bounces around. It goes on so easy and it is ten times harder to get it off. I feel really good about it when I exercise and chisel away a few pounds but with 3 young kids and a house to keep up it is hard to stick to a routine (or so I tell myself). 

Note to self: Maybe working out with spouse or kids would be more sustainable and foster more love.


----------



## that_girl

olderblue-eyes said:


> Weight gain is an epidemic in the USA. I am 40# over ideal myself now, but my weight bounces around. It goes on so easy and it is ten times harder to get it off. I feel really good about it when I exercise and chisel away a few pounds but with 3 young kids and a house to keep up it is hard to stick to a routine (or so I tell myself).
> 
> Note to self: Maybe working out with spouse or kids would be more sustainable and foster more love.


I post this site all.the.time because it works and it's easy and my friends do it on their phone (I am not so tech chic  )

Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com


----------



## Runs like Dog

Losing 80lbs is at least a one year project.


----------



## Enginerd

Being 100 pounds overweight is considered morbidly obese. That much weight gain changes the way you walk, talk, sleep, breath, smell and have sex. Its really a big issue for a marriage regardless of which spouse gains the weight. You are no longer the same person. I like curvy women that are soft so +20 or +30 is not a big deal. However if my wife gained +80lbs it would change my lifestyle and if it wasn't a medical issue I would start to loose respect for her which would kill our sex life. If you've gained enough weight that you can no longer walk or run a few miles then there is a problem and its your responsibility to correct it. I'm not saying the husband is not a d-bag to leave, but I don't think this women has taken any responsibility for her weight gain. It doesn't happen by accident and its a choice for most people.


----------



## Laurae1967

This thread is not about how to lose weight or to brag about how you've lost weight, people. How about showing some compassion to the OP??


----------



## 2sick

Laurae1967 said:


> This thread is not about how to lose weight or to brag about how you've lost weight, people. How about showing some compassion to the OP??


:iagree::iagree:
Health issues aside, I don't see how in hell anyone who got married out of love would even think about leaving the spouse for ANY amount of weight. Dear God I am sooooo sick of the superficial bs!!! Call me naive or even a hopeless romantic... but whatever happened to love is blind...or is it now love is skin deep?!?!? Yep looks are fantastic but if you truly love someone, you see the whole person!!! who they are, not what they look like. My h always says you can't help but like what you like...but I don't see in the marriage vows gotta be thin and hot to stay married to you?!?!? 

I feel soo sorry for the OP because she has been pushed down by the one person who is supposed to love her and cherish her and stand by her...for what weight!! To be frank even if you did loose whatever amount of weight HE WANTS you to loose, I'm sure he'll find something else to complain about. 

Hang in there!!! Remember you were able to build a successful business....You can build a successful relationship too...with or without him. Keep your head up and be strong.


----------



## AFEH

It’s not just about weight. An X plus 80 pound woman is very different to an X pound woman not just by 80 pounds but in her mentality and outlook in life as well. And if she’s playing the You Made Me Do It Game then that’s what she needs to look at. It is probably more to do with her sense of self, her self-esteem and self-confidence than anything else.

I ask you, what good has she done herself by putting on 80 pounds in weight? At the very least it’s self harming and there in is the problem she should be working on, things inside herself, not external to herself. I’ve a friend who’s lost 66 pounds. That took her a good year of a total change in diet and loads of exercise. She is massively different physically and her “frame” is trying adjust to the weight loss, cramped muscles, skin, that sort of thing.


----------



## Halien

2sick said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> Health issues aside, I don't see how in hell anyone who got married out of love would even think about leaving the spouse for ANY amount of weight. Dear God I am sooooo sick of the superficial bs!!!


Ironically, this is a Men's Clubhouse, and many men have to hear the inevetable "I'm not attracted to you any more" or "I'm not in love with you any more" comments from a wife, and accept it at face value. Women say it becomes unnattractive if the husband falls into alcohol, or consistently fails to keep a job. Most of us, however, don't resort to saying that it is superficial BS for a woman to say this.

But think about what you are saying. This is saying that even if we find a trait to be unnatractive when it is taken to the extreme, we still must find a way to find it attractive? I'm not excusing this guy, but I think he is likely to be the exception among men who would actually care enough to join this forum. Most of us really work hard to motivate and encourage our wives. We try to look deeper into the beauty inside. In a Men's forum subsection, such comments about our superficial BS personalities are especially offensive.


----------



## Rob774

My wife, at her heaviest was 212 lbs at 5'7.

The weight didn't bother me, really it didn't. Did i want her to be smaller, sure, but i didn't make it a big deal. She finally took it upon herself and lost the weight, to 160, which puts her at the top of the acceptable range. Now she's gain half of it back after our 3rd was born. I want her to lose the weight, if nothing else for health reasons. We both have diseases in our genes, that only get worst if weight is an issue.


----------



## that_girl

Laurae1967 said:


> This thread is not about how to lose weight or to brag about how you've lost weight, people. How about showing some compassion to the OP??


Why not? She wants to know why her superficial husband left her. There were many reasons and I'm sure 80 extra pounds didn't help. He is a jerk, yes, but she can change her life and be happier FOR HERSELF. 

Are you 80 pounds overweight? I have been. It doesn't feel good. So yea, I brag. So what. It was HARD WORK and people can do it...it just takes time and as frustrating as it is, failure isn't an option.


----------



## elph

i kinda agree with AFEH.

one can say the whole love the person for who they are thing when it comes to marriage. and there is something to be said for that...

but 80lbs is a lot of weight to put on, esp. in such a short period of time.

and regardless of any issues that maybe in the marriage, no body put a gun to her head and told her to eat.

20lbs or so is one thing. but 80 is almost another human being...

and i know ill get crap for this in this PC era. but really did she just decide that she didnt want to look good for her husband again? did she not respect him enough to just say screw it, i can eat what ever i want and he'll love me regardless.

thats lazy. and if one person can put in even a little bit of effort to take care of ones self, how can you think the othr person thinks that they can take care of them. theres some personal responsibility here. 

sure, there could be a myriad of issues that the OP hasnt let us in on. but we have to look at both sides of the coin here too.


ill love my wife no matter how much she weighs, 100 or 1000 lbs. but sex, and life in general will definatley be altered because of added weight gain/health issues.


and thats just reality.


----------



## Craggy456

Runs like Dog said:


> Losing 80lbs is at least a one year project.


pfftt I managed to do it in 4 months....albeit I couldn't eat, and if I did it never stayed down plus I'm a newly diagnosed hypothyroid and on medication for it


----------



## Laurae1967

The following is a great article on myths about body weight. And no, I haven't been 80 lbs. overweight, but I do work with people with eating disorders and the unhealthy attitudes that fly around this thread drive me crazy. I'm glad some folks agree! We have bought into many MYTHS about body weight and most of them are driven by the DIET industry, which is a multi-billion dollar enterprise. 


Of all the socially descriptive categories in our society — tall/short, quiet/loud, outgoing/shy, pretty/plain, dark/fair, funny/serious – there is only one that causes continued and increasing levels of shame, embarrassment, self-loathing, and even disgust: thin/fat.

F-A-T. For many, it is the most terrifying three-letter word in our language. You would think there are worse things that someone could be, but in our society, to be fat is to be a failure.

Fat is the opposite of fit, right? Fat is the feared ingredient in a recipe for certain death, yes? We should all being trying to lose weight as fast as we can then, shouldn’t we?

Not so fa(s)t…

What if a lot of what we are hearing about being overweight these days is actually not entirely accurate? What if being overweight isn’t necessarily the worst thing in the world, or for your body?

Before you shake your head and roll your eyes, let’s examine the top ten myths associated with overweight and obesity. First, obesity IS most certainly a health problem for many people and there are well-documented health risks associated with clinically significant obesity. However, the reality of these risks, both in magnitude and in prevalence, may not be exactly what you have thought … or what you have heard.

Myth #1: Overweight people are all at great risk of weight-related death.

Wrong. Studies do show that the relative risk of death among obese people with a Body Mass Index (BMI) at the highest end of the scale is significantly higher than normal weight people. However, three important points to note: 1) some studies suggest that it is only as one approaches a BMI of close to 40 that the risk of weight-related death increases significantly, 2) the majority of overweight Americans have a BMI of between 25 and 30, and 3) some studies show that the relative risk of death among overweight people with a BMI of 25-30 is the same as in normal weight people.

Again, before you dismiss me too quickly, as I said earlier, there is a substantial body of evidence that clinically significant obese persons are at increased risk of certain diseases and early death, however, the risks and rates of disease and death have not been appropriately communicated in all cases. For example:

Myth #2: Obesity is about to surpass smoking as the number one cause of preventable deaths in this country.

Not so. The claims of rampant deaths due to obesity stem from reports that followed a 2004 CDC announcement which laid out the statistic that more than 400,000 Americans die from obesity related deaths every year. The problem is that the CDC got its numbers wrong. The following year, the CDC reduced the estimate, revising the number of annual deaths from obesity to 26,000 (94% less!). The number has since been revised yet again, although we didn’t hear much about corrections to the overblown statistics…but that doesn’t change the facts…

Myth #3: Body Mass Index (BMI) is the most accurate indicator of overweight and obesity.

Only if you consider Kobe Bryant, Will Smith, LeBron James, Donovan McNabb, and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger fat.

In 1998 the federal government adjusted the BMI criteria for overweight and obesity, lowering it from 27 to 25, which means on the day the criteria were adjusted, 29 million people became “fat” who had not been considered fat the day before! And as plus-size model Crystal Renn (below) points out in her book Hungry: A Young Model’s Story of Appetite, Ambition, and the Ultimate Embrace of Curves, seven of the nine members of the then government’s obesity task force were directors of … weight-loss clinics!



Crystal Renn, the world’s highest-paid plus-size model.

BMI is not always the most accurate indicator of overweight because it does not take into account a person’s muscle vs. body fat ratio.

Myth #4: Being fat is worse for your health than being thin.

Here’s the biggest shocker, and a fact that sadly goes unnoticed: the risk of death from a very low BMI is greater than for someone at a high BMI! Translation: more skinny people die as a result of their weight than fat people do. Yep, it’s true. Aggregate death rates and scientific studies prove this. But we don’t hear warnings about people being too thin, do we. And we don’t see disclaimers underneath fashion industry photos that read, “Warning, being as thin as this airbrushed model’s image may be hazardous to your health.”

Myth #5: You cannot be both overweight and healthy.

Correction: health has more to do with fitness level than it does with weight.

Dr. Kelly Brownell, Director of the Yale Center for Eating and Weight Disorders, states, “Groundbreaking work on fitness and weight has been done by [epidemiologist Steven] Blair and colleagues at the Cooper Institute. They have shown that the advantages of being fit are striking and that people can be fit even if they are fat … and thus have lowered risk of disease. A remarkable finding is that heavy people who are fit have lower risk than thin people who are unfit.” It’s often about the fitness, not the fatness.

Myth #6: Body fat is bad for you.

Actually, without body fat, your organs would not function properly, your bones would break easier, you would have impaired cognitive ability, and you would be putting yourself at risk for a heart attack. Body fat itself is not bad for you. How much of it, what type, and where a person’s fat is stored on their body makes a difference. In fact, as Dr. Glenn Gaesser states in his book, Big Fat Lies: The Truth About Your Weight and Your Health, fat storage on the hips and thighs is associated with a lower risk of heart disease and Type II Diabetes in both men and women. Visceral abdominal fat does raise the level of free fatty acids in the blood, which is the hallmark of a myriad of metabolic disorders and health concerns.

Myth #7: Obesity is caused from uncontrolled eating and/or an eating disorder.

Studies show that this is not the case. Less than one-third of obese folks engage in binge eating. And we know now that obesity is related to many factors; overeating is just one of them, and not even the most important one. In general, people aren’t really eating that much more than they used to, on average. Lack of exercise is likely a bigger culprit. And it would be ignorant to not acknowledge that genetics, endocrine function, lifestyle, medications and metabolism all play a role in determining a person’s weight.

So let’s drop the stereotypes about fat people who cannot control themselves. Obesity is not always a matter of willpower; in fact, studies show it is rarely a matter of strict willpower. Studies show that 95% of people who diet, obese or not, gain the weight back that they lost. Crash dieting is not the answer; a balanced and healthy lifestyle does make a difference for the majority of folks. Accurately and appropriately defining health and an understanding of healthy weight, however, is an important part of the equation. (See here for a related discussion of set-point theory and weight regulation).

Myth #8: The thinner you are the more attractive you will be.

I don’t know, really? Since when do protruding ribs, gaunt faces and forearm-sized thighs seem more attractive than Crystal Renn, pictured above?

Myth #9: Skipping a meal per day can help you lose weight and improve your health.

Nope. In fact, eating three meals a day may actually help to stave off obesity! Studies show that skipping meals slows down metabolism as the body is tries to reserve its energy stores for daily function. And skipping meals increases the likelihood of overeating or even binge eating later in the day. Plus, we know that too-rapid weight loss is not healthy for the body and unhealthy dieting increases the risk of developing an eating disorder.

Myth #10: Societies have always valued thinness so the standard of beauty will never change.

Actually, standards of beauty vary from culture to culture and change over time. Linda Bacon, Ph.D., author of Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight, notes that historically, more often than not, larger bodies have been considered more attractive and desirable. Our culture’s standard of thinness is fairly recent, and can change over time. And I think perhaps we are witnessing some welcome changes.

Remember, it’s the fitness, not the fatness, that often matters most.


----------



## Laurae1967

That_girl - My point is that defining your self worth based on your body weight is very unhealthy and defeatist. People who diet gain it back and then some. Dieting and hating yourself for your body weight is TOXIC. You may buy into it, and that's unfortunate, but that doesn't mean it's true that a person's worth is defined by how much they weigh. You might find more happiness if you embraced that notion.


----------



## Laurae1967

AFEH said:


> It’s not just about weight. An X plus 80 pound woman is very different to an X pound woman not just by 80 pounds but in her mentality and outlook in life as well. And if she’s playing the You Made Me Do It Game then that’s what she needs to look at. It is probably more to do with her sense of self, her self-esteem and self-confidence than anything else.
> 
> I ask you, what good has she done herself by putting on 80 pounds in weight? At the very least it’s self harming and there in is the problem she should be working on, things inside herself, not external to herself. I’ve a friend who’s lost 66 pounds. That took her a good year of a total change in diet and loads of exercise. She is massively different physically and her “frame” is trying adjust to the weight loss, cramped muscles, skin, that sort of thing.


So she deserved to be dumped? Because that is what you are implying....that because she gained a lot of weight that she deserved to be dumped. That may be your frame of reference, but thank goodness not everyone has that outlook. 

I find it incredibly interesting that some people are using this woman's pain to push such a toxic agenda - that if you are 80 lbs. overweight you are less of a person. 

By the way, there are plenty of women who are 80 lbs. over their "ideal" weight (which is a bullcrap benchmark anyway) who look sexy and beautiful. And their husbands love them and accept them. And it is simply WRONG that overweight people are unhealthy because of their weight. People who are underweight are statistically more often harmed by their body weight than overweight people. 

OP - don't buy into the negativity! If you are healthy and happy, who gives a flying f&ck what anyone else thinks? If your extra weight is getting in the way of feeling physically good, I'm sure you can do something about that. Exercise for good health, not to lose weight. Eat well to nurture your body, not because you are worthless, but because you are worthwhile. But don't make it about losing weight. Diets don't work. But please know that your husband leaving you is not about you, it's about him being messed up.


----------



## AFEH

Laurae1967 said:


> That_girl - My point is that defining your self worth based on your body weight is very unhealthy and defeatist. People who diet gain it back and then some. Dieting and hating yourself for your body weight is TOXIC. You may buy into it, and that's unfortunate, but that doesn't mean it's true that a person's worth is defined by how much they weigh. You might find more happiness if you embraced that notion.


Seems to me That_girl is a happy person as much as one can be. That it’s you that’s telling her she shouldn’t be happy just because she’s got to a healthy weight! What are you trying to do, get her to eat more so she gets fat again. My goodness.

A person with an eating disorder should just stop eating so much. In the same way that a person who smokes should just stop smoking. To tell them what you do about being overweight and obesity is surely just encouraging them to eat more and more. Much like telling a smoker they have no increased risk of cancer!

There’s a huge guy in the UK actually suing the National Health Service for providing him with food! That guy got so fat he couldn’t get out of bed and needed two carers every day of his life. All paid for by the NHS. One of the very best “You Made Me Do It” ever! And yet it is self harm.

Seems to me at the end of the day the fat person is essentially an unhappy person. So they start off unhappy, eat to make themselves happy but it has the opposite effect, just makes them more unhappy and so they keep on eating and get fatter and fatter.

And if you really think it has nothing to do with the type of food you eat then I haven’t a clue which planet you’ve been on. Maybe you are just surrounded by crap food and don’t know anything else. That was the case of my friend who lost over 60 pounds, besides the exercise she changed to the Mediterranean “every day” meals here in Portugal. She said it’s made a massive difference.


----------



## AFEH

Laurae1967 said:


> So she deserved to be dumped? Because that is what you are implying....that because she gained a lot of weight that she deserved to be dumped. That may be your frame of reference, but thank goodness not everyone has that outlook.
> 
> I find it incredibly interesting that some people are using this woman's pain to push such a toxic agenda - that if you are 80 lbs. overweight you are less of a person.
> 
> By the way, there are plenty of women who are 80 lbs. over their "ideal" weight (which is a bullcrap benchmark anyway) who look sexy and beautiful. And their husbands love them and accept them. And it is simply WRONG that overweight people are unhealthy because of their weight. People who are underweight are statistically more often harmed by their body weight than overweight people.
> 
> OP - don't buy into the negativity! If you are healthy and happy, who gives a flying f&ck what anyone else thinks? If your extra weight is getting in the way of feeling physically good, I'm sure you can do something about that. Exercise for good health, not to lose weight. Eat well to nurture your body, not because you are worthless, but because you are worthwhile. But don't make it about losing weight. Diets don't work. But please know that your husband leaving you is not about you, it's about him being messed up.


Look. If being so fat is not such a big problem and fat people can have the truly wonderful lives you try and get them and people like me to believe in, then why do you have such a big problem with it!


----------



## Halien

Laurae1967 said:


> So she deserved to be dumped? Because that is what you are implying....that because she gained a lot of weight that she deserved to be dumped. That may be your frame of reference, but thank goodness not everyone has that outlook.
> 
> I find it incredibly interesting that some people are using this woman's pain to push such a toxic agenda - that if you are 80 lbs. overweight you are less of a person.
> 
> By the way, there are plenty of women who are 80 lbs. over their "ideal" weight (which is a bullcrap benchmark anyway) who look sexy and beautiful. And their husbands love them and accept them. And it is simply WRONG that overweight people are unhealthy because of their weight. People who are underweight are statistically more often harmed by their body weight than overweight people.
> 
> OP - don't buy into the negativity! If you are healthy and happy, who gives a flying f&ck what anyone else thinks? If your extra weight is getting in the way of feeling physically good, I'm sure you can do something about that. Exercise for good health, not to lose weight. Eat well to nurture your body, not because you are worthless, but because you are worthwhile. But don't make it about losing weight. Diets don't work. But please know that your husband leaving you is not about you, it's about him being messed up.


Laurae, I really, really admire what you are trying to accomplish here. Honestly, I think most men, other than the OP's superficial SO, really try to encourage and support, or even accept their wives if weight gain occurs. But there is an element to this that seems to fly right over the heads of women who take this stance.

Let me give an example. My wife, a health care professional, seriously addresses weight gain with her patients. On a personal level, she admits that she equates it to being lazy. She even once told me that a woman could only blame herself if her husband lost interest sexually, IF she could lose weight for reasons other than him, but not for him. But now, my wife has a serious food addiction, and it is ballooning. I love her, and I've always tried to look inward. I see someone who loathes herself, despite 20+ years of telling her that she is an amazingly beautiful woman. 

But here is the kicker that women often don't get. Sorry to be crass, but if a woman's attraction to her husband declines due to his self-image issues, she can still have sex. But for a man, logical reasoning doesn't translate into an erection every time she wants to be loved. Reading a long post about myths of weight gain cannot translate into an erection. It doesn't puncture the cloud of avoidance a man lives within in those situations. What does, is a woman who acts as if she deserves to be desired, who will engage in lovemaking without shame, at least.

I find it pretty insensitive to lay the blame entirely at the feet of men, as some other posters do. You seem to see the connection to a woman's own internal acceptance, but I'm not sure if you realize that the male psyche has lots of internal self validations going on. If a woman has an attitude of self-loathing, and tells her man that she will be psychologically destroyed if he doesn't want her with the same urgency, then having an erection is no longer an ingredient to a healthy sex life. It becomes a mental test.

For my wife and me, a long time ago, that clicked in her mind. We can still have a good sex life as long as she keeps the self-loathing out of the bedroom.


----------



## AFEH

Laurae1967 said:


> The following is a great article on myths about body weight. And no, I haven't been 80 lbs. overweight, *but I do work with people with eating disorders* and the unhealthy attitudes that fly around this thread drive me crazy. I'm glad some folks agree! We have bought into many MYTHS about body weight and most of them are driven by the DIET industry, which is a multi-billion dollar enterprise.


You might want to take a look at your liability insurance. If you work for a company then make sure you are covered and even if they have you covered, then cover yourself independently as well and of course if you are self employed then make sure you are covered. If you do your work for free, out of being a charitable person then again you might want to make sure you are covered. Why? Because fat, obese people are suing people like you, saying it’s you that got them fat. In that you just didn’t help them.

I couldn’t understand why they are suing at first, but now you have given me an insight to it that I can to a certain extent understand. But I still say it is a “You Made Me Do It” stance from a person who will not accept personal responsibility for their own life and until they do that they will always blame others.


----------



## that_girl

Being fat is not healthy, I don't care what anyone says.

I have not given unhealthy advice.

I used to be anorexic and got down to 99pounds. Which was my lowest. My highest was 234. 

I know about weight and health. I had a dietician for years.

Just because YOU know something doesn't mean you're the only one who knows something.


----------



## that_girl

And 'ideal weight' is ridiculous. There is a weight for everyone based on body frame, etc. I would love to be 115 again but that is unrealistic. I am looking for 150. I'm 160 now. Yes, the 10 pounds make a difference.

80 pounds overweight is a huge strain on the heart, kidneys, liver and every other organ in the body. I hardly call that healthy.


----------



## that_girl

And all I did was send her to that site to track calories, nutrition, etc. I eat a lot, but still losing weight.


----------



## Acorn

Laurae1967 said:


> So she deserved to be dumped? Because that is what you are implying....that because she gained a lot of weight that she deserved to be dumped. That may be your frame of reference, but thank goodness not everyone has that outlook.


I really feel like you are doing a disservice to the original poster by oversimplifying and being judgmental.

The OP has stated that she understands that the weight was an issue for her husband, she could not meet his needs, she accepts this. She is just wondering why men might have that need. It seems to me to be a very mature question and introspection.

You can cast blame, hijack the thread, and turn this into a referendum on weight issues, but the reality is, some men have physical attraction as a love language, and if that need is not met, they don't feel loved. This is no different than women that are attracted to shallow things like a man's income or his height. It is reality. It is a simple answer. 

And do you really need to jump on posters that successfully lose weight and are happy with themselves just to further your agenda?? Seriously.


----------



## that_girl

Acorn said:


> And do you really need to jump on posters that successfully lose weight and are happy with themselves just to further your agenda?? Seriously.


Thank you. The bitterness was confusing. No one was implying that she deserved to be left... I was just trying to convey to the OP that she can lose the weight! I'm one of the laziest people I know (well, at the time...I've been changing that)...so if I can lose weight (I hate working out) then she can too and she'll feel better about herself even if it's only 20 pounds lost.

I have been where the OP is. My husband didn't leave for that reason (I had lost weight when he left) but our sexlife was altered, he could no longer put his arms around me completely, he looked at me differently. I didn't get upset...I did something about it, for me. The OP can too....for herself.

80 pounds overweight HURTS. Not just emotionally, but physically. My body hurt. My joints and knees ached. I couldn't move quickly. The stairs at work kicked my ass. Until you've been there, you do not know. You can hear about it from others, but you just don't know. I didn't "get it" until I was there. It sucked.


----------



## Laurae1967

My whole point in posting was to try to encourage more compassionate, less judgemental responses that were more on topic. I wasn't dissing anyone's weight loss or promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. Geez louise!

My message is this - if the OP's husband chooses not to be with her because she's gained weight, it does not mean she's not loveable. It does not mean she's not desireable. I'm sure she feels like total crap that she was left. I was responding to what I saw as judgemental and overly simplistic responses. And I can hardly t/j a post that was already jacked. 

I think when you truly love someone, you find ways to work together to meet each others needs. Adjustments need to be made in marriage and frankly, none of us will ever get 100% of what we want from our partner in looks or behavior. 

I also challenge the notion that guys don't have the ability to change their perspective so that they can continue to "get it up" so to speak if their wife's appearance changes. Men can and do make adjustments every day and thank goodness there are plenty of them out there. How else does a 70 year old guy get it up for his 70 year old wife?? She's doesn't have the hard, hot body she may have had at 30, the body that initially got him hard. What about the guy whose wife has cancer and she loses all her hair and he was a real hair "guy"? Or the guy whose wife was burned on the face and is now disfigured? Those guys work around it because they understand that love, desire and commitment are way more than just how someone looks. Someone's spirit is truly what makes them attractive....or not.

Some may argue that cancer, aging, and mutilation by fire are not things people can control and so it's different than weight gain, but I would disagree with that. Eating disorders (starvation or food addiction/overeating) are not easily controllable and people don't deliberatly develop them. I know a woman who has yet to beat her anorexia and she has stomach ulcers that are slowly killing her. Do you think she chooses that? She's in a prison she's trying to get out of.

I know my stance touches a nerve with some folks and may cause some people to get defensive because maybe they can't even conceive of this type of love for their spouse (or that much self-acceptance for themselves). But it's out there. And I guess that is what I want the OP to know. She just has to find the right type of man...and work to love herself no matter what the scale says.


----------



## that_girl

You say different things. But ok.


----------



## Laurae1967

:lol:

It's not all about you, darlin'. Just sayin'....


----------



## RandomDude

Reminds me of the few occasions when the missus put on weight, and the only time I didn't say anything (and even fattened her up deliberately) when she was preggie. But after that -> nah uh! No longer carrying my kid so LOSE IT! heh

There are things that can't be helped, but weight isn't one of them. Think of it this way, one's lifestyle reflect on one's personality. My wife is confident (most of the time), loves to be beautiful, takes care of herself (and also tells her man to shape up his 6 pack - as it becomes a 4 pack from time to time due to my beer gut which emerges) - as much as these are physical features... It speaks volumes of her personality -> and that is what I love about my wife in the end.

If you have problems losing weight I suggest pole dancing, it is VERY hard work however. Not that I would know... of course... *whistles*


----------



## that_girl

Laurae1967 said:


> :lol:
> 
> It's not all about you, darlin'. Just sayin'....


Yea, I am aware of that. You still said different things. Just sayin'  And I'm not your darlin'.


----------



## pidge70

that_girl said:


> Prince is so beautiful...omg...


Yes he is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AFEH

Laurae1967 said:


> :lol:
> 
> It's not all about you, darlin'. Just sayin'....


Lexi is Morbidly Obese. And you are saying that’s a good thing. Surely it’s a madness what you say.


----------



## Acorn

Laurae1967 said:


> She just has to find the right type of man...and work to love herself no matter what the scale says.


I think a person should be able to love themselves for who they are and not what the scale says, but I also believe it is unrealistic and frankly unfair to seek out a partner who values physical appearance, and then not speak his/her language. After all, for all the OP's husband's flaws, the one thing he did right was communicate that it was important to him. 

Also, while men are more likely to value physical appearance, there are plenty of women that would leave a spouse for this issue too - I do not think this is specifically a gender issue.

And as an aside, while I'm typing this out, I'm finding myself wondering if you are saying that women are more likely not to understand that weight can be a relationship issue, but instead immediately jump to thinking it is a referendum on their self worth. If that's true, it helps me understand your angle a little better. Maybe that's why it's so hard for men to talk to women about weight issues - we know it is affecting the relationship but we don't know how to approach the topic in a way that won't make our spouse feel like less of a person.


----------



## that_girl

I think people, women specifically, are too uptight/sensitive about weight.

People know when they are overweight. It's no secret. I knew I was. People knew I was. You can't hide it! LOL Black is NOT that slimming when you're obese. I was asked how far along I was (the tumor was huge...I looked 5 months pregnant), was told I was gaining weight quickly. Yes I was! I knew it. 

My husband didn't say anything, but I asked him how he felt and he said sex was different, but he liked my big butt  He's a butt guy.

If people were more honest with themselves about their weight, there probably wouldn't be so many overweight issues. You can't change something you don't want to face.


----------



## Halien

Laurae1967 said:


> I also challenge the notion that guys don't have the ability to change their perspective so that they can continue to "get it up" so to speak if their wife's appearance changes. Men can and do make adjustments every day and thank goodness there are plenty of them out there.


I challenge that a person without practical experience in the psychology and physiology of having an erection can understand the psychological limitations. Sorry, but I've never met or read articles from women who really understand. But that wasn't really the main point of the post.

For most people, typical weight growth is expected in men and women. So is aging, and even injuring accidents are not out of the realm of possibility. We give and receive acceptance.

But very few women consider their own extreme weight gain to be healthy, or leave to them just as beautiful. Many of them translate that to their sex life. They want validation, but the kind that is unhealthy, where even the slightest missed signal from a guy can hurt them. Is that what great sex is about? A mutually fulfilling sex life? To a man, this 'testing' can turn directly to ED, or more likely, can just add tension to the intimacy of the relationship. I've known guys who avoid their wives just because sex becomes a head game. Its not at all like it was when things were open and trusting. What do they want? Sure, weight loss would be great, but most men would be completely sexually satisfied with the woman returning to a healthy self-image. And as much as you say that men can, when the dynamics of sexual desire gets messed up for some men, they can't just flip a switch and think happy thoughts to make it re-appear.

But what is the most naive part of the argument is that it centers around 'the perfect woman' psyche. Where women only behave perfectly in all such cases. But sometimes, there is a truckload of past resentments that make their way to the bed. Imperfect marriages. Fitness tests. Problems with children, finances and jobs. So, you take a real life situation, add in weight gain that often causes poor self image in extreme weight loss, and the man's own issues, and you have a situation that is incredibly more complex than the fairy tale version.

Unfortunately, you are mixing normal weight gain and associated sex life, and assuming that the same dynamic should exist with a unhealthy situation.


----------



## PBear

Laurae1967 said:


> So she deserved to be dumped? Because that is what you are implying....that because she gained a lot of weight that she deserved to be dumped. That may be your frame of reference, but thank goodness not everyone has that outlook.
> 
> I find it incredibly interesting that some people are using this woman's pain to push such a toxic agenda - that if you are 80 lbs. overweight you are less of a person.
> 
> By the way, there are plenty of women who are 80 lbs. over their "ideal" weight (which is a bullcrap benchmark anyway) who look sexy and beautiful. And their husbands love them and accept them. And it is simply WRONG that overweight people are unhealthy because of their weight. People who are underweight are statistically more often harmed by their body weight than overweight people.
> 
> OP - don't buy into the negativity! If you are healthy and happy, who gives a flying f&ck what anyone else thinks? If your extra weight is getting in the way of feeling physically good, I'm sure you can do something about that. Exercise for good health, not to lose weight. Eat well to nurture your body, not because you are worthless, but because you are worthwhile. But don't make it about losing weight. Diets don't work. But please know that your husband leaving you is not about you, it's about him being messed up.


So when a guy posts on here, wondering why his wife won't give him BJ's anymore, we should tell him it's because she's shallow, even if he only showers once a week?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## trey69

I can understand why the OP has yet to return.


----------



## Laurae1967

AFEH said:


> Lexi is Morbidly Obese. And you are saying that’s a good thing. Surely it’s a madness what you say.


No, I never said that it was a good thing. What I said was that she should love herself no matter what her weight is. 

And Lexi is not necessarily bordidly obese. There are many people who put on 80 lbs. and are not morbidly obese. We would need to know her starting weight and where she is now, and her height.

But her weight is not the point. Loving herself and realizing that her husband is a d-bag for leaving her is the point.


----------



## AFEH

Laurae1967 said:


> And Lexi is not necessarily bordidly obese. There are many people who put on 80 lbs. and are not morbidly obese. We would need to know her starting weight and where she is now, and her height.


I think you are in fairyland.



Lexi said:


> Here's my story - been married for 3 years during which time I gained over 80 pounds going from voluptious to morbidly obese.


----------



## Laurae1967

Acorn said:


> I think a person should be able to love themselves for who they are and not what the scale says, but I also believe it is unrealistic and frankly unfair to seek out a partner who values physical appearance, and then not speak his/her language. After all, for all the OP's husband's flaws, the one thing he did right was communicate that it was important to him.
> 
> Also, while men are more likely to value physical appearance, there are plenty of women that would leave a spouse for this issue too - I do not think this is specifically a gender issue.
> 
> And as an aside, while I'm typing this out, I'm finding myself wondering if you are saying that women are more likely not to understand that weight can be a relationship issue, but instead immediately jump to thinking it is a referendum on their self worth. If that's true, it helps me understand your angle a little better. Maybe that's why it's so hard for men to talk to women about weight issues - we know it is affecting the relationship but we don't know how to approach the topic in a way that won't make our spouse feel like less of a person.


I hear what you are saying. Still, we don't know if she "sought out" her husband knowing his top value was physical appearance, so I think it's unfair to assume she knowingly entered a relationship with someone who would leave her if she didn't meet his standard of attractiveness.

She gained the weight over 3 years, and it takes probably that long to lose 80 lbs., but he never stuck around. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone like that? I sure as hell wouldn't. 

I guess I'm just suprised and a bit disappointed that the focus of people's responses was more about the OP gaining weight than the utter lack of love, commitment and loyalty on the part of the OP's husband.

It's one thing not to like things about your partner, it's quite another thing to just dump them because they don't meet certain standards, especially after he's been so controlling and has had her jumping through hoops to try please him in all kinds of other ways. I am certain her weight gain has a lot to do with her feelings about her husband's treatment of her. People don't gain 80 lbs. unless there is something going on with them emotionally.


----------



## Laurae1967

AFEH said:


> I think you are in fairyland.


 Okay, I didn't see that part. But I will stand by what I said in general about 80 lbs. In this case, I guess she is mordidly obese. But 80lbs. does not always mean mordidly obese.

I wish I did live in fairy land because then everyone would agree with everything I'm saying and I wouldn't need to explain what I am trying to convey!


----------



## Laurae1967

PBear said:


> So when a guy posts on here, wondering why his wife won't give him BJ's anymore, we should tell him it's because she's shallow, even if he only showers once a week?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's not my point. 

If the issue is that she's not practicing self care in all kinds of ways, that indicates a problem that she needs help fixing. Same with not showering. Someone who is in a mentally healthy place practices self care, which includes eating well, exercising, showering, brushing teeth, etc. People who are fat can practice self care and still be fat, though. And someone with bad hygeine can be thin and attractive but be unhygenic, eat crappy food, be sedentary, abuse drugs or alcohol, etc. 

The issue is not about appearances, in my opinion. It's about what's going on inside of the person. it's also about loving your partner enough to stick with them through thick and thin (no pun intended).

Does that mean you dump your spouse after 3 years of marriage because they don't meet ONE of your standards? I hope not. You try to work with your partner to fix the problem.


----------



## AFEH

Laurae1967 are you married?


----------



## RandomDude

> it's also about loving your partner enough to stick with them through thick and thin


Partners change, and that's what ends marriages. People grow apart instead of together.


----------



## Laurae1967

Yes, I am married. Happily so. And in case you are wondering, I'm not obese and I practice good self-care (exercising, eating healthy, always learning new things, socially connected, etc.). I just believe that self-worth should not be defined by body weight. It is such a huge probelm women face in this country. We have a nation of women who hate themselves for what they perceive as imperfections. We are bombarded with messages from the media that we are "less than" if we are not a size 2 with DD boobs and flawless skin. And for some reason, we as a culture seem to think it's acceptable to make fun of fat people. That is where I'm coming from.


----------



## Laurae1967

RandomDude said:


> Partners change, and that's what ends marriages. People grow apart instead of together.


Partners DO change. However changing and growing apart are two very separate things. My husband and I have changed quite a lot in the 7 years we have been together and it has only made our marriage better. Having shared goals and values is key, but if we didn't change, that would be a problem. Change is inevitable in life and anyone who can't deal with that is bound to be unhappy.


----------



## AFEH

Laurae1967 said:


> Partners DO change. However changing and growing apart are two very separate things. My husband and I have changed quite a lot in the 7 years we have been together and it has only made our marriage better. *Having shared goals and values is key*, but if we didn't change, that would be a problem. Change is inevitable in life and anyone who can't deal with that is bound to be unhappy.


One of the shared goals and values Lexi had with her H was that she was to *lose* weight. Instead she piled it on! She totally reneged on their agreement and she says as much. I don’t for one minute support her H but come on, personal responsibility about this stuff is key. It is so easy to blame others.


----------



## Acorn

Laurae1967 said:


> I guess I'm just suprised and a bit disappointed that the focus of people's responses was more about the OP gaining weight than the utter lack of love, commitment and loyalty on the part of the OP's husband.


If this had been a post about a wife who tried for three years to get an emotional connection back and eventually left and gave up, we'd advise poster that she stated a need, he didn't meet it, so she left to find someone who could love her the way she wanted him to. We'd tell him the best way to grow from the experience is to learn why an emotional connection is important to some people and how he could better foster it in his next relationship.

I am not sure why the exact same post about weight causes so much defensiveness and outrage in some people. 

I think Lexi has realized that while physical appearance is not a big need of hers, it was a big need of his, and she's trying to understand it. Surely post after post saying that her husband's need of physical attraction is invalid or in some way shallow will not be helpful, because it is a need for many men and women regardless of how fair or enlightened the need is.

I really wish more of the posts here were written from the "His Needs, Her Needs" angle. I really don't think weight or the OP's husband should have been the focus at all.


----------



## Zzyzx

Acorn said:


> I really wish more of the posts here were written from the "His Needs, Her Needs" angle. I really don't think weight or the OP's husband should have been the focus at all.


Needs are a two way street. A simple way of looking at it from a "needs" point of view:

Doing her best to take care of herself is not just for herself, it also helps her to meet his need to feel attracted to her and helps him meet his need for sex.

Doing his best to take care of himself is not just for himself, it also helps him maintain his fitness so that he can meet her need for home and security by providing for her and their children.

The wife who gains 80 lbs is not doing her best to take care of herself, she is not helping him meet his need to feel attracted to her and is certainly not helping his erection.

The husband who puts on 100 lbs runs the risk of premature heart attack and other negative health impacts, thus impacting his ability to provide for her and their family. Not to mention his inability to control his weight will not make her attracted to him. Women are in general attracted to men who have their act together and a man who gains 100 lbs gives a visible clue that his act isn't entirely there.

Weight gain is controllable for the most part absent serious physical issues that make large weight gain uncontrollable. I expect women my age to be heavier than they were in their 20's; I fully accept that. At the same time, I also desire them to be good with keeping what they have under control. A woman who lets herself go isn't attractive; if she truly loves herself, she will realize that she's not only cheating herself, she's also cheating her husband and her children by placing her health at risk.

However, men or women who undertake weight programs/diets need to be doing it for themselves first. The context being, only by taking care of himself first can one take care of their loved ones.


----------



## 2sick

Acorn said:


> I really feel like you are doing a disservice to the original poster by oversimplifying and being judgmental.
> 
> The OP has stated that she understands that the weight was an issue for her husband, she could not meet his needs, she accepts this. She is just wondering why men might have that need. It seems to me to be a very mature question and introspection.
> 
> You can cast blame, hijack the thread, and turn this into a referendum on weight issues, but the reality is, some men have physical attraction as a love language, and if that need is not met, they don't feel loved. This is no different than women that are attracted to shallow things like a man's income or his height. It is reality. It is a simple answer.
> 
> And do you really need to jump on posters that successfully lose weight and are happy with themselves just to further your agenda?? Seriously.


Acorn you hit it on the head "shallow"!!! Yes if someone marries a guy because he has money and then leaves him because he goes bankrupt, she is just as shallow/superficial as a man who leaves his wife because she gains weight. 

I still haven't heard from any male why it's ok for a married man to leave or love his wife less because of weight? Is there a man out there who can explain the validity of such a...yes I'm gonna say it...superficial way of thinking about a WIFE..(not just a person you want to date/screw or just look at as eye candy...the person you want to spend your ENTIRE life with for better or worse) Please anyone answer...cause I'm surely curious to know as much as the op wants to know.


----------



## Halien

2sick said:


> I still haven't heard from any male why it's ok for a married man to leave or love his wife less because of weight? Is there a man out there who can explain the validity of such a...yes I'm gonna say it...superficial way of thinking about a WIFE..(not just a person you want to date/screw or just look at as eye candy...the person you want to spend your ENTIRE life with for better or worse) Please anyone answer...cause I'm surely curious to know as much as the op wants to know.


Maybe absence of an answer is the answer?


----------



## 2sick

Acorn said:


> If this had been a post about a wife who tried for three years to get an emotional connection back and eventually left and gave up, we'd advise poster that she stated a need, he didn't meet it, so she left to find someone who could love her the way she wanted him to. We'd tell him the best way to grow from the experience is to learn why an emotional connection is important to some people and how he could better foster it in his next relationship.
> 
> I am not sure why the exact same post about weight causes so much defensiveness and outrage in some people.
> 
> I think Lexi has realized that while physical appearance is not a big need of hers, it was a big need of his, and she's trying to understand it. Surely post after post saying that her husband's need of physical attraction is invalid or in some way shallow will not be helpful, because it is a need for many men and women regardless of how fair or enlightened the need is.
> 
> I really wish more of the posts here were written from the "His Needs, Her Needs" angle. I really don't think weight or the OP's husband should have been the focus at all.


Acorn: All I have to say for those who only look for physical appearance don't need to get married so they can just quickly move on when that significant other gets old, fat, bald, or God forbid gets a terrible illness or gets into a crippling accident. 

What I was trying to say to the OP is keep your head up because she is a strong woman regardless of her weight and screw her pig headed h...It's his problem not hers!! I'm not saying she shouldn't take care of herself and make sure she is HEALTHY both inside as well as out. She obviously gained the weight for one reason or another but the man she married should be by her side supporting her whether she loses the weight or not.


----------



## 2sick

Halien said:


> Maybe absence of an answer is the answer?


yup!!


----------



## 2sick

that_girl said:


> I think people, women specifically, are too uptight/sensitive about weight.
> 
> People know when they are overweight. It's no secret. I knew I was. People knew I was. You can't hide it! LOL Black is NOT that slimming when you're obese. I was asked how far along I was (the tumor was huge...I looked 5 months pregnant), was told I was gaining weight quickly. Yes I was! I knew it.
> 
> My husband didn't say anything, but I asked him how he felt and he said sex was different, but he liked my big butt  He's a butt guy.
> 
> If people were more honest with themselves about their weight, there probably wouldn't be so many overweight issues. You can't change something you don't want to face.


Now I understand your pov. Your husband was supportive of you and expressed love for you!!! YOU were the one who decided to lose the weight. Yes you may have had your h in mind along with yourself but it wasn't him making you feel like a fat slob and saying lose the the weight so I can still love you. I think that that is what the OP is asking...why is the physical appearance sooo important that h couldn't stay.

BTW congrats on the weight loss and keep it up FOR YOURSELF!!!! (and I love myfitnespal tooo....the best ever!!)


----------



## SockPuppet

Is it really seen as shallow if a man leaves a woman due to weight gain? Ive heard this before and couldnt disagree more.

Women who gain a lot of weight tend to have a change in their emotional outlook, and for some, not all, they tend to gain that weight and become an unattractive person on the inside as well. 

Given, a Good Husband should be supportive and the motivational rock the wife needs to lose the weight.


----------



## Enginerd

[Quote} "I also challenge the notion that guys don't have the ability to change their perspective so that they can continue to "get it up" so to speak if their wife's appearance changes. Men can and do make adjustments every day and thank goodness there are plenty of them out there. How else does a 70 year old guy get it up for his 70 year old wife?? She's doesn't have the hard, hot body she may have had at 30, the body that initially got him hard. What about the guy whose wife has cancer and she loses all her hair and he was a real hair "guy"? Or the guy whose wife was burned on the face and is now disfigured? Those guys work around it because they understand that love, desire and commitment are way more than just how someone looks. Someone's spirit is truly what makes them attractive....or not."


You can't create desire through a change in perspectice no matter how idealistic or committed you are. It doesn't work that way. You make a choice to show your love for your overweight or ill partner but it requires a sacrifice. If your partner is just lazy and likes to eat that sacrifice becomes harder to justify.


----------



## Acorn

2sick said:


> Acorn: All I have to say for those who only look for physical appearance don't need to get married so they can just quickly move on when that significant other gets old, fat, bald, or God forbid gets a terrible illness or gets into a crippling accident.


I think for a lot of people, having a need of physical attraction does not mean that your wife has to look like a cheerleader for the rest of her life or you will leave her, but it does mean that reasonable efforts taken to maintain physical appearance as the years go on are received on the other end as loving gestures.


----------



## Laurae1967

Enginerd said:


> [Quote} "I also challenge the notion that guys don't have the ability to change their perspective so that they can continue to "get it up" so to speak if their wife's appearance changes. Men can and do make adjustments every day and thank goodness there are plenty of them out there. How else does a 70 year old guy get it up for his 70 year old wife?? She's doesn't have the hard, hot body she may have had at 30, the body that initially got him hard. What about the guy whose wife has cancer and she loses all her hair and he was a real hair "guy"? Or the guy whose wife was burned on the face and is now disfigured? Those guys work around it because they understand that love, desire and commitment are way more than just how someone looks. Someone's spirit is truly what makes them attractive....or not."
> 
> 
> You can't create desire through a change in perspectice no matter how idealistic or committed you are. It doesn't work that way. You make a choice to show your love for your overweight or ill partner but it requires a sacrifice. If your partner is just lazy and likes to eat that sacrifice becomes harder to justify.


Attraction is about looks until the person opens their mouth. Then it is a blend of things. Some men mature and find something attractive that previously, in their younger days, may not have caught their interest. Tastes change just as people change. So yes, emotional state can and does dictate attraction for many men and women. Pierce Brosnan married his second wife when she was super thin. He's stayed married to her, and raves about how much he loves and desires her, even though she's quite a bit heavier and considered overweight. He has found a way to maintain is attraction to his wife. Maybe its because he lost his first wife to cancer and has his priorities in the right order. Maybe he values his current wife for more than just her looks (clearly). As I said before, not all men can even conceive of this notion and so it's not suprising that some folks can't believe that it's possible. But it is...and I'd say the majority of men CAN and DO stay with their wives and love and desire them even if they gain weight. But not everyone can relate to this, I know.

And as far as your assumption that people who gain weight are "lazy", that's just ignorant.


----------



## Mephisto

Ignorant is trying to redesign the world's reality to suit yourself. Laurae. You can try to spin it all you like, but the number of obese people who have a legitimate reason for being overweight are far and away in the minority, and I don't count emotional instability as being legitimate. 

You would deny that a person can be turned off by excess weight yet can say that people get depressed about their own weight and therefore eat for comfort.... does that not add up to the person being turned off by themselves???? 

You say that a man is shallow if he does not love a woman regardless of her weight. Yet a person who gains a lot of weight does not just physically change, their entire outlook changes. Their relationship with themself changes, they do not see things the same any more. These things all add up to a person who has changed, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. Sure they are still the same person at their core, but they no longer have the same values and outlooks on life. Do these things not add into how they are seen by their SO? 

How can you say that the partner MUST still find them as attractive for ALL of their attributes, when some of them have clearly changed for the worse. whatever excuses they want to throw around they are no longer that same person through and through that they were, if they have given up exercise, watching what they eat/drink, generally making an effort in that department, developed "addictions" to food/alcohol or whatever. They no longer have that "drive." Their priorities have changed and they no longer share interests with their partner, they no longer wish to fulfill their partner's desires. 

I guess I am deluded in my thinking that all of this can be read into a person gaining a lot of weight WITHOUT a valid medical reason. And NO, turning XX age is not a valid reason to quit making that effort.

I guess if you look at all these changes in a partner without looking at the weight then you can theorize that maybe the spark is gone, and the offending partner is the one at fault, but factor in the kilo's/pounds and all of a sudden they are excused of any and all wrongdoings and the other person in the relationship is simply shallow.....

Bravo to you for defending an epidemic that is sweeping the world by storm, Bravo to you for championing peoples rights to weigh whatever the hell they want. But don't try to bull$hit anyone with half a brain that being overweight has no detrimental effects on a person and that the partners of these people should love them even more because now there is more to love.

Your entire attitude on this thread belongs in a fairy tale, albeit a dark and twisted one.


----------



## that_girl

Wow. Bravo to the above poster.


----------



## 2sick

Mephisto said:


> Ignorant is trying to redesign the world's reality to suit yourself. Laurae. You can try to spin it all you like, but the number of obese people who have a legitimate reason for being overweight are far and away in the minority, and I don't count emotional instability as being legitimate.
> 
> You would deny that a person can be turned off by excess weight yet can say that people get depressed about their own weight and therefore eat for comfort.... does that not add up to the person being turned off by themselves????
> 
> You say that a man is shallow if he does not love a woman regardless of her weight. Yet a person who gains a lot of weight does not just physically change, their entire outlook changes. Their relationship with themself changes, they do not see things the same any more. These things all add up to a person who has changed, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. Sure they are still the same person at their core, but they no longer have the same values and outlooks on life. Do these things not add into how they are seen by their SO?
> 
> How can you say that the partner MUST still find them as attractive for ALL of their attributes, when some of them have clearly changed for the worse. whatever excuses they want to throw around they are no longer that same person through and through that they were, if they have given up exercise, watching what they eat/drink, generally making an effort in that department, developed "addictions" to food/alcohol or whatever. They no longer have that "drive." Their priorities have changed and they no longer share interests with their partner, they no longer wish to fulfill their partner's desires.
> 
> I guess I am deluded in my thinking that all of this can be read into a person gaining a lot of weight WITHOUT a valid medical reason. And NO, turning XX age is not a valid reason to quit making that effort.
> 
> I guess if you look at all these changes in a partner without looking at the weight then you can theorize that maybe the spark is gone, and the offending partner is the one at fault, but factor in the kilo's/pounds and all of a sudden they are excused of any and all wrongdoings and the other person in the relationship is simply shallow.....
> 
> Bravo to you for defending an epidemic that is sweeping the world by storm, Bravo to you for championing peoples rights to weigh whatever the hell they want. But don't try to bull$hit anyone with half a brain that being overweight has no detrimental effects on a person and that the partners of these people should love them even more because now there is more to love.
> 
> Your entire attitude on this thread belongs in a fairy tale, albeit a dark and twisted one.


You seem to be making the same point even though you are being gravely insensitive about overweight people. You say its ok if the person changes emotionally and in tempermant, which I am sure EVERYONE has to agree to that. We are simply saying that mere weight gain alone...which I can actually account for after having 2 kids and aging...should not be the reason. Obviously if someone's personality has changed ( which not all overweight people experience) then the attraction to that person will also change. That's true not matter what that person weighs. 

Anyway, I guess everyone has their own opinion as to what's important in a marriage. I personally just think it's sad if it's just soley based on physical appearance.


----------



## Enchantment

2sick said:


> Anyway, I guess everyone has their own opinion as to what's important in a marriage. I personally just think it's sad if it's just soley based on physical appearance.


:iagree:

Everything changes in life, especially appearance. Just go out 20, 30, or 40 years and see what you are then. 

_“Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.” ~ Confucius _ 


I personally am more concerned about what's on the 'inside' of a person - their character, their values, their heart.

_“The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart.” ~ Helen Keller _


----------



## Laurae1967

2sick said:


> You seem to be making the same point even though you are being gravely insensitive about overweight people. You say its ok if the person changes emotionally and in tempermant, which I am sure EVERYONE has to agree to that. We are simply saying that mere weight gain alone...which I can actually account for after having 2 kids and aging...should not be the reason. Obviously if someone's personality has changed ( which not all overweight people experience) then the attraction to that person will also change. That's true not matter what that person weighs.
> 
> Anyway, I guess everyone has their own opinion as to what's important in a marriage. I personally just think it's sad if it's just soley based on physical appearance.


:iagree:


----------



## Laurae1967

Mephisto - I find it so interesting how much flack I am getting for defending a principle that I think most people value - that people's value and worth are more than skin deep. If that is dark and twisted, I'm happy to embrace that. Call me queen of the dark side! Sorry I don't want to embrace the lowest of values in our society. Go right ahead of that is your key to happiness. It's just not mine.

You admonish me for not being in "reality". There is certainly bias against fat people. There is certainly ignorance around weight issues and many people just do not have the facts. But believing fat people are a force of evil in this country does not make it TRUE. There is a lot of research of weight and health out there. I encourage you to read information from the Yale School of Public Health, or Harvard School of Public Health. Weight alone does not determine health. It can be an indicator, but it's not the sole indicator. And to say that all overweight people have changed their "values" is total horse$hit. It's also such a riduculous, baseless statement to say that ALL heavy people are depressed, unhappy, don't care about themselves. That is just plain ignorant.


----------



## okeydokie

i havent read this entire thread so excuse me if this has been stated already

weight gain is no different than other marriage or relationship issues that involve correctable behaviors and lack of interest in correcting them to improve the situation.

forcing major negative changes in your relationship dynamic on the other person is not a recipe for success. alcohol and substance abuse, substantial weight gain, abusive behavior, untreated health issues, they are all correctable with the proper help and it is very unreasonable to expect the other person to just live with it.

for me, its hoarding, a behavior my spouse cannot and apparently will not try to improve on. it will end our relationship in the not so distant future. i have had all the discussions i am going to have about it. i am left with only one solution, get away from it.


----------



## Laurae1967

that_girl said:


> Wow. Bravo to the above poster.


Given what you said about your struggles with eating disorders (anorexia and overeating) I am so sad to see you agree with that post. Your value is not determined by the scale and you have value regardless of your size.


----------



## ManDup

2sick said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> Health issues aside, I don't see how in hell anyone who got married out of love would even think about leaving the spouse for ANY amount of weight.


How can you put health issues aside? It's all about health. I'm not going to stand by and watch someone destroy themselves without gaining self-control. And really? ANY amount of weight? I guarantee that if my wife gained 147000 pounds I'd be out of there.


----------



## Laurae1967

Again, the OP didn't say she was not in good health. Not everyone who gains weight is unhealthy. Gaining weight is not "destroying yourself". We are not talking about such a large amount of weight that it means she can't function. Gimme a break.

All of the black and white thinkers have come out of the woodwork on this one.


----------



## okeydokie

i see some responses are in defense of the excessive weight gainers. they seem to imply that the non weight gainer be more supportive and still show unconditional love for the overweight person.

how is the overweight person showing love for the other?


----------



## ManDup

Laurae1967 said:


> So she deserved to be dumped? Because that is what you are implying....that because she gained a lot of weight that she deserved to be dumped. That may be your frame of reference, but thank goodness not everyone has that outlook.
> 
> I find it incredibly interesting that some people are using this woman's pain to push such a toxic agenda - that if you are 80 lbs. overweight you are less of a person.
> 
> By the way, there are plenty of women who are 80 lbs. over their "ideal" weight (which is a bullcrap benchmark anyway) who look sexy and beautiful. And their husbands love them and accept them. And it is simply WRONG that overweight people are unhealthy because of their weight. People who are underweight are statistically more often harmed by their body weight than overweight people.
> 
> OP - don't buy into the negativity! If you are healthy and happy, who gives a flying f&ck what anyone else thinks? If your extra weight is getting in the way of feeling physically good, I'm sure you can do something about that. Exercise for good health, not to lose weight. Eat well to nurture your body, not because you are worthless, but because you are worthwhile. But don't make it about losing weight. Diets don't work. But please know that your husband leaving you is not about you, it's about him being messed up.


So why didn't she weigh 80 pounds more when they met? Why did she weight until they were married? There are many things a wife can do to cause a marriage to end. I love how everyone is putting this on the guy. I didn't marry a fatty nor would I have.


----------



## ManDup

Laurae1967 said:


> Again, the OP didn't say she was not in good health. Not everyone who gains weight is unhealthy. Gaining weight is not "destroying yourself". We are not talking about such a large amount of weight that it means she can't function. Gimme a break.
> 
> All of the black and white thinkers have come out of the woodwork on this one.


At the rate she was going after 10 years it would be +250. That is destroying your self and replacing it with a much bigger self.


----------



## ManDup

Laurae1967 said:


> Mephisto - I find it so interesting how much flack I am getting for defending a principle that I think most people value - that people's value and worth are more than skin deep. If that is dark and twisted, I'm happy to embrace that. Call me queen of the dark side! Sorry I don't want to embrace the lowest of values in our society. Go right ahead of that is your key to happiness. It's just not mine.
> 
> You admonish me for not being in "reality". There is certainly bias against fat people. There is certainly ignorance around weight issues and many people just do not have the facts. But believing fat people are a force of evil in this country does not make it TRUE. There is a lot of research of weight and health out there. I encourage you to read information from the Yale School of Public Health, or Harvard School of Public Health. Weight alone does not determine health. It can be an indicator, but it's not the sole indicator. And to say that all overweight people have changed their "values" is total horse$hit. It's also such a riduculous, baseless statement to say that ALL heavy people are depressed, unhappy, don't care about themselves. That is just plain ignorant.


You don't appear to be living in the reality where appearance is most of what makes a man attracted to a woman and want to even begin the conversation about forsaking others for her. But you go on and believe what you want. That will SO change reality. This thread is about rapid weight gain, not about being fat in the first place. I much prefer fat chicks to be fat when I meet them, so I can reject them right away.


----------



## Deejo

I feel badly for the OP, and in this particular case, her spouse sounds like a piece of work that she will be much better off without.

However, we can talk about principles, weight gain, support and unconditional love til we're blue in the face.

Bottom line,

Attraction isn't a choice. Take the elements that make someone attractive to you, out of the equation, and they are no longer attractive.

Too much rationalization in this entire discussion for me.

I do not 'dislike' overweight women. I have nothing against obese people. Have a number of friends of both sexes that are overweight and obese.

But I have never, and will never, be attracted to an overweight woman. I make no apologies for what I find attractive or unattractive.


----------



## Craggy456

ManDup said:


> I much prefer fat chicks to be fat when I meet them, so I can reject them right away.


Oh, You're not shallow at all


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Wow, reading this thread is a big eye opener for me. I use to run 36 miles a week, I broke my neck 3 years ago and since then I gained 30 pounds. I can still use my legs and am not paralyzed, but I can not walk long distances without paying a price of severe pain. In the last year I've lost 20 of the 30 pounds I gained. Not an easy task when your limited to calorie counting and can not exercise. I'm not toned like I once was and I'm self conscious of my weight. My husband is a triathlete and has finished a few ironmans. He once never mentioned anything about my weight gain. I truly do not know how he feels about it. Most days I sit on the couch or lay in bed after I've exceeded my limitations with the housework I've completed for the day. My husband is my biggest supporter and I do know he is still very attracted to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ManDup

Craggy456 said:


> Oh, You're not shallow at all


You want me to pretend I'm attracted to them instead? Maybe I can sponge off them for a bit. Or get a quick lay out of them and dump them (barf). Maybe one will put me through school or do my laundry while I'm out banging chicks I'm attracted to. Yeah, deep sounds great. 

p.s., It takes -2 seconds to NOT eat a cookie. It takes an hour of running to work off that cookie. And if you're in the clean plate club, get over it. The food is only wasted if you eat it.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

Deejo said:


> I feel badly for the OP, and in this particular case, her spouse sounds like a piece of work that she will be much better off without.
> 
> However, we can talk about principles, weight gain, support and unconditional love til we're blue in the face.
> 
> Bottom line,
> 
> Attraction isn't a choice. Take the elements that make someone attractive to you, out of the equation, and they are no longer attractive.
> 
> Too much rationalization in this entire discussion for me.
> 
> I do not 'dislike' overweight women. I have nothing against obese people. Have a number of friends of both sexes that are overweight and obese.
> 
> But I have never, and will never, be attracted to an overweight woman. I make no apologies for what I find attractive or unattractive.


I agree. I have said it before, I am not attracted to short guys. I cannot help that. Shallow? Probably. 
In Lexi's case, I think there was a lot more going on with her weight gain than just deciding to eat more.


----------



## Craggy456

ManDup said:


> You want me to pretend I'm attracted to them instead? Maybe I can sponge off them for a bit. Or get a quick lay out of them and dump them (barf). Maybe one will put me through school or do my laundry while I'm out banging chicks I'm attracted to. Yeah, deep sounds great.
> 
> p.s., It takes -2 seconds to NOT eat a cookie. It takes an hour of running to work off that cookie. And if you're in the clean plate club, get over it. The food is only wasted if you eat it.


So.....you want a Barbie to do all that for you?


----------



## Halien

Laurae1967 said:


> Again, the OP didn't say she was not in good health. Not everyone who gains weight is unhealthy. Gaining weight is not "destroying yourself". We are not talking about such a large amount of weight that it means she can't function. Gimme a break.
> 
> All of the black and white thinkers have come out of the woodwork on this one.


Laurae, this gives the impression that you are looking at the 80 pounds as a static issue, like it exists forever in this current state. This tendency for obesity is not affecting young people in the static studies you are likely referring to, but life isn't static. My wife's health care practice has become overwhelmed by people who are less than eighty pounds overweight, and approaching midlife. Adult onset diabetes, strokes, cardiological problems follow with statistical correlations. My father was only about 40 lbs overweight at his death at 45 from obesity related issues, and his father was 30 when he died of a heart attack.

But the real point that some of us tried to make is that it is not usually a case of the men breaking off a relationship with a woman for a superficial reason like weight. It is far more common that a person, in their response to a thread like this, label men as being a superficial jerk who left a great, saintly woman only because she was fat. Maybe the OPs SO was a superficial jerk. It sounds like it. But the majority of men are not like this. A normal rise in weight is only expected for us. A rapid rise, in many cases, is a symptom of a problem that will usually be the relationship killer.


----------



## ManDup

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Wow, reading this thread is a big eye opener for me. I use to run 36 miles a week, I broke my neck 3 years ago and since then I gained 30 pounds. I can still use my legs and am not paralyzed, but I can not walk long distances without paying a price of severe pain. In the last year I've lost 20 of the 30 pounds I gained. Not an easy task when your limited to calorie counting and can not exercise. I'm not toned like I once was and I'm self conscious of my weight. My husband is a triathlete and has finished a few ironmans. He once never mentioned anything about my weight gain. I truly do not know how he feels about it. Most days I sit on the couch or lay in bed after I've exceeded my limitations with the housework I've completed for the day. My husband is my biggest supporter and I do know he is still very attracted to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You sound awesome. Keep on truckin'. I'm sorry you can't run; I truly love it. Please know that I was never talking about minor weight gain. Some is expected as we age anyway. The OP was talking about uncontrolled and continuous weight gain after marriage, not based on an injury or medical condition, with no signs of stopping.


----------



## ManDup

Craggy456 said:


> So.....you want a Barbie to do all that for you?


Yes, because only barbies and land whales exist in the world.

Black and white thinkers indeed.


----------



## ManDup

Halien said:


> Laurae, this gives the impression that you are looking at the 80 pounds as a static issue, like it exists forever in this current state. This tendency for obesity is not affecting young people in the static studies you are likely referring to, but life isn't static. My wife's health care practice has become overwhelmed by people who are less than eighty pounds overweight, and approaching midlife. Adult onset diabetes, strokes, cardiological problems follow with statistical correlations. My father was only about 40 lbs overweight at his death at 45 from obesity related issues, and his father was 30 when he died of a heart attack.
> 
> But the real point that some of us tried to make is that it is not usually a case of the men breaking off a relationship with a woman for a superficial reason like weight. It is far more common that a person, in their response to a thread like this, label men as being a superficial jerk who left a great, saintly woman only because she was fat. Maybe the OPs SO was a superficial jerk. It sounds like it. But the majority of men are not like this. A normal rise in weight is only expected for us. A rapid rise, in many cases, is a symptom of a problem that will usually be the relationship killer.


We're post-twins.


----------



## Acorn

Laurae1967 said:


> Again, the OP didn't say she was not in good health. Not everyone who gains weight is unhealthy. Gaining weight is not "destroying yourself". We are not talking about such a large amount of weight that it means she can't function. Gimme a break.
> 
> All of the black and white thinkers have come out of the woodwork on this one.


I am still not understanding why it is so hard to admit that once the OP communicated that physical attraction was important to him, it became a real issue within their marriage (whether you think it should have or not).

Negating a spouses need is one of the worst things you can do in a marriage. I am not sure why you continue to portray belittling a spouses' need as a positive thing.


----------



## okeydokie

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Wow, reading this thread is a big eye opener for me. I use to run 36 miles a week, I broke my neck 3 years ago and since then I gained 30 pounds. I can still use my legs and am not paralyzed, but I can not walk long distances without paying a price of severe pain. In the last year I've lost 20 of the 30 pounds I gained. Not an easy task when your limited to calorie counting and can not exercise. I'm not toned like I once was and I'm self conscious of my weight. My husband is a triathlete and has finished a few ironmans. He once never mentioned anything about my weight gain. I truly do not know how he feels about it. Most days I sit on the couch or lay in bed after I've exceeded my limitations with the housework I've completed for the day. My husband is my biggest supporter and I do know he is still very attracted to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you have a legitimate health issue (injury) that is contributing to the weight gain, and you have exhibited behavior to correct it to the best of your ability, you have desire to be thinner. your husband understands that and is compassionate and supportive (i would be too) thats not pointed out by the OP as a contributer to her weight gain.


----------



## Laurae1967

Halien said:


> Laurae, this gives the impression that you are looking at the 80 pounds as a static issue, like it exists forever in this current state. This tendency for obesity is not affecting young people in the static studies you are likely referring to, but life isn't static. My wife's health care practice has become overwhelmed by people who are less than eighty pounds overweight, and approaching midlife. Adult onset diabetes, strokes, cardiological problems follow with statistical correlations. My father was only about 40 lbs overweight at his death at 45 from obesity related issues, and his father was 30 when he died of a heart attack.
> 
> But the real point that some of us tried to make is that it is not usually a case of the men breaking off a relationship with a woman for a superficial reason like weight. It is far more common that a person, in their response to a thread like this, label men as being a superficial jerk who left a great, saintly woman only because she was fat. Maybe the OPs SO was a superficial jerk. It sounds like it. But the majority of men are not like this. A normal rise in weight is only expected for us. A rapid rise, in many cases, is a symptom of a problem that will usually be the relationship killer.


First of all, if you read the entire thread, you will understand better the context for each of my posts, which are rebuttals to posts from other people besides the original post. 

Regarding your comments about your father, likely he died from a genetic predisposition to heart disease and I would venture to say that he would have died young regardless of his weight. Fitness, diet, stress management are all contributing factors. My uncles died at 40 and 50 of heart attacks. They were both marathon runners and thin. Their father died young from heart disease, too and he was as thin as a rail. But the genetics of heart disease is not what any of my comments were about. 

And honestly, weight and fitness were not anything I originally wanted to comment on. However, many posters used the guise of "health" as a reason to somehow not be compassionate to this woman's situation. It's only because people have made erroneous, unsubstantiated claims about overweight people being universally unhealthy that I made some comments about it. 

The OP stated that her husband said he left her because she had gained 80 lbs. Whether that is true or not is anyone's guess. But if he left her only because she gained 80 lbs. I think that says a lot about his commitment to his wife and to marriage in general. 

Many responses to the original thread insinuated that the OP kind of deserved to be left because her husband didn't find her attractive because she was fat and she chose not to "fix" that. There were posters who implied or directly stated that overweight people, and the OP, must be unhealthy, must be lazy, must have lost her values, must be unhappy (gee, how could ANYONE be happy if they are overweight?). Some responses have assumed that overweight people MUST be ugly both inside and out, and that overweight people have it coming to them. I call bull$hit on that thinking.

And here is more for the people so "worried" about people getting fat in our country: "The growing emphasis on fitness rather than on thinness is a shift from the recent past, when most experts believed that to be healthy, people had to achieve an "ideal" weight or body mass index (BMI), an estimate of body fat. Steven Blair, P.Ed., president and CEO of the Cooper Institute in Dallas, thinks focusing on an ideal weight or BMI is ridiculous. "This is like saying people should be an ideal height or have an ideal eye color--it's meaningless," he says. "Even with optimal diet and physical conditioning, there is vast variation in weight."

Blair was one of the first scientists to ask the question "Can you be fit and fat?" He himself was fit--he runs almost daily and works out at a gym--but he has never achieved the slim physique so prized by society. For eight years, Blair studied the health of nearly 22,000 men between the ages of 30 and 83 who had undergone complete physicals, treadmill tests for cardiovascular fitness, and body-composition assessments. His conclusions were startling to many doctors: Fitness turned out to be a far more reliable predictor of health and longevity than either weight or BMI. Unfit men with BMIs of less than 27 (18.5-24.9 is considered "normal weight") had a death rate that was 2.8 times greater than men with BMIs of 30 or higher (considered obese) who were moderately fit.

Last year, Blair published a study on the role that fitness--vs. fatness, or higher BMI--plays in women's longterm health. Among 9,925 women who had been patients at the Cooper Clinic at the Cooper Institute, moderately fit women of all weights averaged a 48 percent lower risk of dying prematurely (from all causes) than did unfit women. And highly fit women (those who could walk longest on the treadmill) had the lowest risk of premature death of all, nearly 60 percent lower than thin but unfit women.

"Among the women in our study who were at a weight level considered obese--with a body mass index between 31 and 33--we found 50.5 percent were fit, based on the treadmill test," Blair reports. Even among the very obese women with BMIs of 37, he says, about 20 percent could walk long enough on the treadmill to be called moderately fit." Excert from an article from Amanda Spake, senior writer at U.S. News & World Report in Washington, D.C.


----------



## ManDup

Laurae1967 said:


> First of all, if you read the entire thread, you will understand better the context for each of my posts, which are rebuttals to posts from other people besides the original post.
> 
> And honestly, weight and fitness were not anything I originally wanted to comment on. However, many posters used the guise of "health" as a reason to somehow not be compassionate to this woman's situation. It's only because people have made erroneous, unsubstantiated claims about overweight people being universally unhealthy that I made some comments about it.
> 
> The OP stated that her husband said he left her because she had gained 80 lbs. Whether that is true or not is anyone's guess. But if he left her only because she gained 80 lbs. I think that says a lot about his commitment to his wife and to marriage in general.


You make a few good points about fit vs. weight, but none of them are relevant to the OP. You can't possibly believe that someone gaining 80 pounds in 3 years is fit. This is about the delta, not the absolute value. And for me, it's not entirely about health anyway. It's about attractiveness, and my need to have a wife maintain her attractiveness as best she can, barring injury and aging and whatnot. If she's not interested in meeting my needs when I'm meeting hers, look for burning treadmarks on the driveway. Again, the situation with the OP's husband is probably not this, but to say that 80lb weight gain in 3 years is an invalid or shallow reason to leave is false.


----------



## Laurae1967

ManDup said:


> You sound awesome. Keep on truckin'. I'm sorry you can't run; I truly love it. Please know that I was never talking about minor weight gain. Some is expected as we age anyway. The OP was talking about uncontrolled and continuous weight gain after marriage, not based on an injury or medical condition, with no signs of stopping.


:rofl:

Hmmm. Really? What is minor weight gain? It would be helpful for us to know what you deem acceptable and not acceptable. 

Also, I give you credit for your creative license as you fumble an apology to this woman. The OP ddin't say she continued to gain weight. She never said it had "no signs of stopping". But I guess making that stuff up helps you defend your position while still looking like a "good" guy.

I just want to make sure I have this right....So if you gain weight "by accident" you are acceptable and worthy of a husband staying with you and if you are overweight because of other reasons, you deserve to be left? 

To be consistent, shouldn't you be telling this woman to stop eating cookies? As a wife, isn't she supposed to meet her husband's needs for attraction, accident or no accident? 

Your way of determining who deserves compassion and who does not (or who is acceptable and who is not) is fascinating.


----------



## ManDup

Laurae1967 said:


> :rofl:
> 
> Hmmm. Really? What is minor weight gain? It would be helpful for us to know what you deem acceptable and not acceptable.
> 
> Also, I give you credit for your creative license as you fumble an apology to this woman. The OP ddin't say she continued to gain weight. She never said it had "no signs of stopping". But I guess making that stuff up helps you defend your position while still looking like a "good" guy.
> 
> I just want to make sure I have this right....So if you gain weight "by accident" you are acceptable and worthy of a husband staying with you and if you are overweight because of other reasons, you deserve to be left?
> 
> To be consistent, shouldn't you be telling this woman to stop eating cookies? As a wife, isn't she supposed to meet her husband's needs for attraction, accident or no accident?
> 
> Your way of determining who deserves compassion and who does not (or who is acceptable and who is not) is fascinating.


It sounds like she did stop eating cookies. She also likely made other concessions to not running, which burns a huge amount of calories. That's what we call adjusting, and doing ones best. It was not an inconsistent apology based on being called out, it's clear to me the stark difference between her and the OP. 

And it's not about what anyone deserves, it's about my own boundaries. Maybe fat people deserve love, but they are not entitled to sex/marriage from me. And people who "hold their stomach in" just long enough to get a man are doing themselves no favors.


----------



## Laurae1967

ManDup said:


> You make a few good points about fit vs. weight, but none of them are relevant to the OP. You can't possibly believe that someone gaining 80 pounds in 3 years is fit. This is about the delta, not the absolute value. And for me, it's not entirely about health anyway. It's about attractiveness, and my need to have a wife maintain her attractiveness as best she can, barring injury and aging and whatnot. If she's not interested in meeting my needs when I'm meeting hers, look for burning treadmarks on the driveway. Again, the situation with the OP's husband is probably not this, but to say that 80lb weight gain in 3 years is an invalid or shallow reason to leave is false.


I agree that partners should be doing things to meet each others needs. I agree with this. We have no information if her husband was meeting any of her needs or not, and we also truly don't know in what ways she WAS meeting her husband's needs, so neither you nor I can say what is true or not.

I can and will say that if he left her only because she gained 80 lbs., I think that is shallow. That's my opinion. You are also entitled to yours. 

And just because he left her does not mean she's unattractive, undesireable, or unloveable. Her husband may not like how she looks, but her looks have nothing to do with her value, etc. And he may not have found her attractive but he does not represent all men. And I know from my own experience that attraction and emotions work together. 

I think I may be done with this thread because I'm starting to repeat the same things to different posters who haven't read the whole thread. It's been interesting to read and post on here and I've enjoyed the debates! They have helped me solidify my thoughts and feelings about the weight issue.


----------



## mr.rightaway

Thought I would...weigh in on this issue and mention that the OP has not returned. With that said, some men seem to be too unrealistic about their expectations on weight gain, particularly as a woman ages. 80 pounds in three years, however, is excessive. I would be much, much more interested in the "whys" of the weight gain than the weight gain itself, as there are probably a whole host of issues in her life that need working on as well. But to say the man wasn't fulfilling her emotional needs and so she checked out of the situation--that that alone is the cause--is disingenuous to the larger problem. You can't rationalize attraction with studies, numbers and reports. You can put 1,000 beautiful women in a room and I will instinctively know which ones I am attracted to, more than any of the others, and which ones I am not.


----------



## Laurae1967

ManDup said:


> It sounds like she did stop eating cookies. She also likely made other concessions to not running, which burns a huge amount of calories. That's what we call adjusting, and doing ones best. It was not an inconsistent apology based on being called out, it's clear to me the stark difference between her and the OP.
> 
> And it's not about what anyone deserves, it's about my own boundaries. Maybe fat people deserve love, but they are not entitled to sex/marriage from me. And people who "hold their stomach in" just long enough to get a man are doing themselves no favors.


Ah, there we have it! "Maybe" fat people deserve love? Just maybe? So you don't think people with eating dsorders are doing their best? You have no clue.

If you are this hardline with others, I can only imagine the type of standards you have for yourself. Your life must not be easy, and I say that with absolute compassion for you.


----------



## ManDup

Laurae1967 said:


> Ah, there we have it! "Maybe" fat people deserve love? Just maybe? So you don't think people with eating dsorders are doing their best? You have no clue.
> 
> If you are this hardline with others, I can only imagine the type of standards you have for yourself. Your life must not be easy, and I say that with absolute compassion for you.


All we know from the OP is that she was magically able to control herself until she landed a man, then she was magically unable to stop from gaining 80 pounds in 3 years, then she "tried to lose weight but couldn't" when she magically could before marriage. Then she puts the whole thing off on "why are men so shallow" essentially is what she asked. Sounds like the guy was at least up front about his feelings.

Incidentally since you brought it up, my life's a breeze, but that's because I was blessed with above average intelligence and a decent metabolism that has only begun to let me down in the last 10 years, and I lucked into a great job where I make more than God. None of that has much to do with anything I did, it's just blind luck and genetics, but thanks for asking. 

Of course my life sucked despite all that when I wallowed in self-pity and didn't do anything about my horrid situation of being married to a domineering cheater. I can only control myself; I suggest the OP to do the same, and not worry about why the world is so cruel and unfair and has jerks like me in it.


----------



## okeydokie

to help clarify my position, i couldnt condone excessive weight gain by either gender in a marriage, i would have the same responses if the OP was a man


----------



## Halien

Laurae1967 said:


> Regarding your comments about your father, likely he died from a genetic predisposition to heart disease and I would venture to say that he would have died young regardless of his weight. Fitness, diet, stress management are all contributing factors. My uncles died at 40 and 50 of heart attacks. They were both marathon runners and thin. Their father died young from heart disease, too and he was as thin as a rail. But the genetics of heart disease is not what any of my comments were about.


You forgot that I referenced my wife's medical practice. Most of her patients are obese, and most are dying early from the cardiovascular trauma that comes from years of excess blood sugar, usually not diagnosed until it results in full adult onset diabetes. She attended eight years of medical training, and is a nurse practitioner in a facility that is a national pioneer in preventing deaths from cardiovacular trauma of fats and excess sugar in the blood vessels. They've shown a tremendous ability to prevent deaths from cardiac arrest and failure just by modifying the approach to patient care, almost completely through diet and supervised exercise. 

My wife says that you can listen to the pulsing of the blood in an obese person once the pancreas can no longer keep the blood sugar regulated and hear the typical tin can sound of pre-diabetes. This cardiac rigidity and the changes to the chemical processes within the cardio vascular system affect all of our internal organs. Her facility is pioneering treatment plans aimed at preventing what they consider to be a coming national epidemic. Maybe they are wrong, but they recently reported some of the highest survival rates in the world with people who were already diagnosed with heart failure, and survived to full recovery, by focusing on lifestyle.


----------



## CantePe

canjad80 said:


> Actually, the bolded part is incorrect. Breast size has nothing to do with milk storage capacity, and research shows that babies actually have more difficulty feeding on larger breasts than smaller ones.
> 
> Otherwise I agree with though - I'm just pedantic


Correct, I'm a 36b and NEVER had a problem with supply. To the point the neonatal intensive care nurses were telling me to stop bringing in so much while my two preemies had their hospital stays. I could supply the whole NIC ward of two dozen babies if I had wanted to.

It has nothing to do with breast size at all. Last baby I did hit DD size though...that was hell on earth. I have a new appreciation for women with natural DD...back problems aren't fun. Finding a bra for that...grrr...finding a nursing bra that size...*shakes head*


----------



## Mephisto

Can I have some of whatever it is that Laurae has been smoking.....


----------



## that_girl

This may seem unPC or whatever, but personally, I don't find fat hanging off bodies to be attractive. No one wants to admit that. Some people may find it attractive-- awesome for them. I don't. I also don't like men who are totally ripped...but no one gets offended when I say that.

Some people just don't want to look at fat. I didn't want to look at myself when I was fat.


----------



## Mephisto

It is simple fact that some people, men and women alike(more so with men tho) share your views that_girl. Fat just ain't attractive.... (unless there is a nipple on it) and some don't think it is important. 

I do find it ironic that Laurae is fighting for the fat side of the argument, yet she makes sure she maintains her own weight..... ironic hypocricy.


----------



## Halien

Mephisto said:


> I do find it ironic that Laurae is fighting for the fat side of the argument, yet she makes sure she maintains her own weight..... ironic hypocricy.


I don't see it this way. I've seen many of Laurae's posts and she is an incredibly compassionate woman. I think her wonder woman avatar fits.


----------



## PolkaDottedJams

Lexi said:


> I gained over 80 pounds during my 3 year marriage and my DH repeatedly made it clear he was no longer attracted to me and that I needed to lose the weight. I was unable to do so and he has since left me. I don't fault him but I also know that I would have loved him regardless of what he weighed.
> 
> Men: why is a woman's physical appearance so important?


I personally think it is so unfair to gain nearly 100 lbs and question why a woman's physical appearance is so important to a man. I'm no beauty queen myself, but I can tell you if my boyfriend gained 80 lbs, he'd be history. Why? Because people don't gain that kind of weight in 3 years' time taking good care of themselves, looking after their health, and minding their condition as a courtesy to the ones they love. If my _husband _gained this kind of weight, we'd have serious marital issues and counseling would be mandatory . . . or I'd be slipping on the nearest banana peel in a matter of time. Trust me. Anyone who allows himself/herself to gain like this is not addressing deeper-seated emotional/psychological/mental issues that will come to bear in the relationship in significant ways. 

It's too easy to excuse yourself for such an excessive weight gain as this--as well as the psychological issues you have that pushed you to it--and accuse him of a lack of understanding and love/care. That is precisely what led you to gain so much weight and not endeavor to lose it in the first place, and blaming your "fed up" husband is merely passing the buck.

I wager some soul-searching is in order. But alas, the soul can not be searched as long as one's head is in the sand and not looking to itself. The problem started within you; indeed it must be resolved there.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I easily gained 100 pounds with 3 pregnancies. My last pregnancy I was jogging up to delivery and still gained the 100 pounds within the 9 months. It was easy, I had no control over my eating. I had mild GD. I only lost 16-18 pounds after delivering. The rest I had to work off. My ex h use to ridicule and tease me over the weight gain. I was underweight prior. My current husband had zero issues over my weight gain. He loves me thick or thin.. He finds me sexy at any weight, he's very honest in his opinion too. My husband has really helped build my confidence with his gentle and kind attitude.

I'm lucky that I have such a loving husband since I'm no longer physically able to exercise. I must rely on eating 800-900 calories a day to maintain a normal weight, sometimes I eat less. I don't do this for my husband, I do this for myself. I have since I was 13, I was tired of being picked on at school for being chubby. I am not the same weight as when we married, I was underweight then. I guess age and a slower metabolism is against me. It kills me inside not to exercise since I was addicted to working out. I miss my 6 mile runs. Now I need a wheelchair if I go out shopping and that's embarrassing.


----------



## PolkaDottedJams

Very intriguing response, IILWMH! The difference with you is that you had GD, which can certainly affect weight gain and health, and that you endeavored to regain control of both. Major difference in your outlook! My mention was more directed toward those who casually/apathetically gain and who just as apathetically retain while their SO's are hurting over it and are kindly trying to prompt a return of their former lovers. My ex was only 40-50 lbs over--which had nothing to do with our divorce. He ultimately lost all the weight and was simply a very destructive force in the marriage . . . but his total apathy about his weight didn't help matters. (I still loved him but was very turned off sexually and physically, especially after his attitude informed me he couldn't care less. He wound up losing due, I suppose, to the diabetes that I was forever warning him he was going to induce if he didn't quit eating/living the way he did.) Lexi didn't explain much and it is unclear whether she nonchalantly spiraled herself into obesity despite her husband's concerns or whether a medical condition outright prevented her from her ideal weight. As she gives no clues, I'm tempted to believe the former. I could be wrong. 

I actually first landed on Google results where woman after woman after woman was so disgusted with her husband's weight gain and was so repulsed by his apathy that she was considering alternatives (as in _scramming!_), and my search of the opposite gender situation led me here.  Thanks for responding in kind!

Oh, btw, your current hubby accepts you just as you are, which I think is awesome. Again, my comments were more indicative of two people who marry at a certain weight/health situation and who, through mere apathy/gluttony/lack of concern for themselves/the other, do a total 180 after the vows are comfortably sealed. If such a misfortune has happened to one partner through disease/disability/no fault of his or her own, I think the other is quite indebted to love and support unconditionally and encourage his/her SO on the road to the best health possible.


----------



## ChargingCharlie

My wife was always a bit overweight, and when we went on vacation a few years ago, she looked at the pictures of us and realized how big she had gotten. She went on Jenny Craig, started watching what she ate, and worked out. Lost almost 50 lbs. After we adopted our kids, she reverted back to her old habits and most of the weight has come back. She'd rather eat pizza and junk food, and all she drinks is Diet Pepsi (can't remember her ever drinking water). Would rather stay up to play games on the computer, then sleep in, instead of going to bed early and getting up to exercise.

I don't say anything, as I know that's counterproductive, but if she says that she wants to exercise I tell her to go and that I'll take care of the kids (they're 2 1/2 now). 

She does know she's overweight, so my goal is to get her to eat better and start exercising without nagging about it. When she lost her weight, she got lots of attention, which was great, and she looked good. I want her to realize that she needs to get in better shape for the kids, and that exercising and eating better will give her more energy (she always complains that she's tired,but her eating habits and lack of exercise have a lot to do with that).


----------



## ChargingCharlie

that_girl said:


> This may seem unPC or whatever, but personally, I don't find fat hanging off bodies to be attractive. No one wants to admit that. Some people may find it attractive-- awesome for them. I don't. I also don't like men who are totally ripped...but no one gets offended when I say that.
> 
> Some people just don't want to look at fat. I didn't want to look at myself when I was fat.


Exactly. Wife was sitting down yesterday and I could see the fat roll on her belly, which along with her fat arms and somewhat double chin is not a turn on. At least she wasn't eating M&M's, as she sometimes does.


----------



## olwhatsisname

Lexi said:


> I gained over 80 pounds during my 3 year marriage and my DH repeatedly made it clear he was no longer attracted to me and that I needed to lose the weight. I was unable to do so and he has since left me. I don't fault him but I also know that I would have loved him regardless of what he weighed.
> 
> Men: why is a woman's physical appearance so important?


------if you gain 100 lb or more you see what we do. how do you defend the attitude a7 have to get a whole new wardrobe full of clothing every so often so as to look good ? to whom. why do so many of you sy I cant loose it ?? you put it on one mouthfull at a time.


----------



## hawkeye

olwhatsisname said:


> ------if you gain 100 lb or more you see what we do. how do you defend the attitude a7 have to get a whole new wardrobe full of clothing every so often so as to look good ? to whom. why do so many of you sy I cant loose it ?? you put it on one mouthfull at a time.


Excuse making is easier than exercise and eating right.


----------



## olwhatsisname

tacoma said:


> the same reason a mans Physical appearance is so important to a woman
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----NO. the size of a guys paycheck,and demeanor is the only thing of importance to a woman. but your not supposed to notice any weight gain. if they loose a few we half to just loose it completely, complimenting them. & i am still to stupid and sat nothing negative. pt so spoils a day if men mention anything that might be negative in any way. women could you carry a 80 lb. sack of potatoes all day every day everywhere. what kind of determination is that anyway ???


----------



## P51Geo1980

Lexi said:


> I gained over 80 pounds during my 3 year marriage and my DH repeatedly made it clear he was no longer attracted to me and that I needed to lose the weight. I was unable to do so and he has since left me. I don't fault him but I also know that I would have loved him regardless of what he weighed.
> 
> Men: why is a woman's physical appearance so important?


I wouldn't say physical appearance is important to me. My STBXW is very petite and short but I've also been attracted to curvy women in the past. I'm much more attracted to someone with a bubbly personality and intelligence instead of weight. I'm overweight myself so I'm sure this has some bearing on my answer.


----------



## P51Geo1980

morituri said:


> Your husband's thoughtless behavior is appalling. If he was a loving spouse, he would have encouraged you to eat better, exercise, get plenty of rest, and celebrated your small weight loss victories. In fact, he would have participated with you in the program to lose fat since it is more than likely that he could stand to lose a few pounds of fat himself.
> 
> Please don't stereotype all men just because your husband is a jerk.


:iagree:


----------



## soulsearch

everyone has certain items that "trigger" attraction. gaining almost 30lbs a year without a health problem or pregnancy is a huge issue, and for someone who's attraction is based on physical appearance, easily a deal breaker. yes, it sucks, but when someone says "hey, this is a problem" and you don't do anything about it, you can't blame them. losing weight sucks, but lets be honest- it's hard, that's why most people are overweight. it's not impossible though.


----------



## Vanguard

I'm not trying to be mean. But you couldn't have been surprised by this. 80 lbs is a lot.


----------



## LostInNJ53

Everyone is trying to be politically correct here and supportive. But the key question is why and how did you gain the weight? I don't know your situation but speaking for my situation, my wife decided to not look for a job after she got laid off and just laid around the house (by this I mean that she has been laying in bed most of the day and watch TV and eat snacks & candy). She doesn't want to go anywhere, unless it's out to eat. I've suggested that she take our toy poodle out for a walk but she says that it's hard for her to walk a long distance. And before anyone asks...yes, I have taken her to the doctors and she has been told that she has to lose weight. She says she can't. It's too much effort for her to get a job and it's difficult for her to get around. When we do go out to eat she walks so slowly that people in their 80's walk right past her. We are both in our 60's. And when I try to bring it up and mention the doctor's comment, she replies that the doctor doesn't know what he's talking about and it becomes a heated and running argument for the next few days.
So, the question remains. Why and how did you gain the weight?


----------

