# LONG POST Thanksgiving & being stuck between two families.



## c&smom (Nov 5, 2017)

Hello. I am stuck between a rock & a hard place and wondering if anyone has any advice. So to give you a little background, I’m a people pleaser, my mom is a controlling type A, my husband can be stubborn and little spoiled or selfish, my mother in law can be flighty and in turn, sometimes inconsiderate. 

When DH & I first started to get serious, we would spend every holiday together traveling back and forth to make sure we got to see everyone. Once we got married and had our son my husband put his foot down and said he wasn’t running from house to house anymore. Neither of us wanted to give up holidays with our families and neither family would be pleased giving up Thanksgiving. The compromise we came up with was everyone is invited to our house for Christmas dinner, and for Easter & Thanksgiving we alternate houses per year. For almost 10 years this has worked out okay. 

2 years ago, my SIL decided to move cross-country. She’s a little bit of a princess and his family made a huge deal about her leaving and how this is her “last Thanksgiving” at home. Problem was, it was my mom’s year. In order to keep the peace, so my mom didn’t ***** about not seeing her grandchildren/ daughter on a holiday when we’re supposed to be there and the drama over missing the “last one”, we broke tradition and did both. I don’t think anyone was particularly happy with this arrangement. We had to leave the princess’s dinner so his family was unhappy. My husband had to drive between the houses, he was unhappy. We showed up at my mom’s partially full from dinner #1 and we didn’t stay long, so she was unhappy. 

Last year, no real problems. It was his mom’s turn, we went and I was glad we could be there for her first year without her baby. My SIL came home for Christmas last year and ran herself ragged trying to meet up with friends & family, get holiday shopping done, celebrate Christmas with us and her boyfriend’s family, etc. 

This year my SIL has decided that Christmas is too hectic so instead she’s coming to town for a week for Thanksgiving. I’m thinking “Perfect! Her mom won’t be alone for Thanksgiving.” So my MIL came over on Halloween while my sister and I were out with our kids trick or treating. When we get in, she starts going into this grand plan to turn Thanksgiving dinner into Thanksgiving, Christmas & my SIL’s 30th Birthday extravaganza since SIL won’t be home for any of those events in Dec/Jan. She said she had already talked it over with my husband and he told her to talk to me. I said that sounds great but it’s my mom’s year this year. She says to me, “ can’t you just switch it?” And then she gets distracted by one of my kids. My sister looks at me and says, “ you know that’s going to be a huge fight.” And I do. 

Sure my mom can be controlling and not very flexible, but if I ask this of her, I can’t be surprised she’d be mad. It’s been 4 years since she’s had us come for dinner exclusively. She will be angry that she is always playing second fiddle to the “princess” (they’ve had issues in the past). Plus, there has been a plan going around for a big family vacation next year and I think Thanksgiving dinner was supposed to be a planning meeting since all my brothers & sister & my family would all be there. 

My husband & I haven’t really talked about this yet, but I know he’d rather just go see his family. It is his family after all, plus he misses his sister, plus he has been getting increasingly annoyed with my mom and how everything has to be on her terms. 

So I don’t know what to do. Someone is going to be mad at me and I am just so tired of trying to make everyone happy. Any outside perspective would be appreciated.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: LONG POST Thanksgiving &amp;amp; being stuck between two families.*

There comes a time in every people pleaser's life when she says "FTS!" and does what makes HER happy, and learns to give zero F's about what her family or anyone else thinks.

Is been years since you prioritized yours and your husband's needs, so why don't you both reach an agreement and do THAT this year, with no regrets.

Then keep doing it every year.

Luckily, my husband's family and my family don't "fight" to have us each year. They offer then let us make our own decisions. My husband and I even celebrated Thanksgiving separately last year because his mom had just gotten out of the hospital with a broken arm and my grandmother had gotten seriously ill with pneumonia and we didn't know if she'd live past the holiday. We understood we couldn't do both due to long distance, and we survived.

It's time to set a new boundary with your families.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Your husband is 100% wrong for telling her to ask you. **** that. He should be playing interference and handling the situation himself. “Let me talk to her and I’ll get back to you.” Should have been his answer. 

Besides that, sorry, plans are with my family this year. We can see your sister on Friday. Hell, let’s have Thanksgiving together then.


----------



## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

First, sit down and decide what's right. Well, most right, at least. But not on the basis who who will get mad. Actually, I mean you AND your husband sit down and decide what's right. When people have gotten into the habit of getting their way by getting mad, they don't stop. They just make you miserable doing it. Let's begin with the presumption that you're not going to make everyone happy. So don't even pick who you want to make happy. Do what you and your husband want to do together. And the only way to not have this poison your relationship is for both of you to agree going in that, if you can't agree, the default is you have your own Thanksgiving at your house and mom and MIL can both go butt a stump if they don't like it, and they need to know exactly why it happened. 

I guess the compromise, which like in diplomacy is the solution that pleases no one, is to do the house to house run again, and if one of them gripes, just tell them that's all you could do to be fair, and that's all they get, so get over it. Bye now.

And while we're on it, this **** of it being you everyone's mad at needs to stop. Reach under the kitchen counter and get out that jar where you keep hubby's gonads so he can use them for a change and share the mad. YOU should never decide to go to your mother's. It should always be you, the family decided. And it should never be YOU decided togo to MIL's. That, too, should always be that the family decided. 

Jeeze, Mrs. Cleaver. I outgrew the 50's. Why didn't everyone else. Oh, well. What can you do with a generation that thinks Adam Levine is the world's sexiest man?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If it's your year with your mum, stick to that. SIL will be there for a week, plenty of time to see her during that week. The IL's can pound sand if they don't like it.

My family are very easy going, my inlaws are very pushy and MIL throw's tantrums to get what she wants. I will not have my family making all the compromise because they're easy and won't make a fuss. MIL met her match with me, lol. I won't tolerate her crap. Hubby and I decide what our plans are. We're doing what we're doing and that's that. If MIL doesn't like it, not our problem.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The only person in your In-Laws family you should concern yourself about is your husband.

As mentioned by others, your husband is doing a poor job of showing any concern for the difficulty this is posing for you. He has hung you out to dry, as the colloquialism goes.

Whenever anything like this came up with my family I told anyone concerned my wife came first, and anyone who dared to give her any grief at all would face my wrath.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Just take a stand for yourself. My wife's family is having thanksgiving at her brothers house. I flat told my wife I'm not going. I went last year and was bored to tears. Out of obligation to my wife ill go a few times a decade to her families crap. But it won't be every year, no freakin way! Take a stand and do what you want every once in a while. It is your holiday too!


----------



## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

Slartibartfast said:


> Oh, well. What can you do with a generation that thinks Adam Levine is the world's sexiest man?


Hahaha AGREED @Slartibartfast!! Thank you. In the interest of avoiding politics and religion at the local micro-brewery, the friends and fam debated this absolutely mystifying designation last Friday evening....

Sadly, a bit of respect died within me for those that were in agreement with the title. :wink2:


----------

