# Codependency issues



## Numb in Ohio

After my 3rd IC visit, my counselor suggested for me to read the book " The New Codependency" by Melody Beattie. It has been a good book. Not sure if anyone else has read it, but at the back of the book, they have different quizzes to take, ( fear, anger, guilt, emotional health, etc...)

Needless to say, after taking the quizzes... it says I am codependent... I can read this book and it tell me "what" I should do to "not" be codependent.... but saying and doing are 2 different things.

I need to find out what I need to do or find within myself to be able to say things I want and need to say.. and to learn to take care of myself.. 

Has anyone had a problem with speaking their mind about their feelings and then been able to? Did it come with age or a certain situation? I don't like being a doormat, trust me... 

She said she could see (some) abuse I'm going through, and she wants to be able to bring a stronger "me" out so I can take control of myself..


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## endlessgrief

Overcoming codependancy is very hard to do. It is so weaved into the fabric of who we are and how we feel. You can act like you aren't codependant, but the trick is to actually FEEL the disconnection. That is when the magic happens. To be free of codependancy is best gift you could give yourself, I know that it has changed my life, but you gotta work at it.

My mother raised us to STAND BY YOUR MAN, which makes me sick, and I married a drunk and when I wanted to leave, she would say, STAND BY YOUR MAN. After 20 years of that, I couldn't take it, so I got help. I went to counseling for 5 years, attended ALANON meetings, recited the SERENITY PRAYER over and over, even got a magnet with the prayer and put it on the fridge. That prayer may be simple but if you can get yourself to really believe it, deep down, you can disconnect somehow because you will realize that being codependant is hurting you for no reason. There is nothing you can do! No matter how you look at things in any situation, THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON. It cannot be done. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER. There is no hope to change another. Give up the fight. Focus on yourself. Focus on what makes YOU happy. 

It is harsh, it is mean, it is hurtful, but it is true. Being codependant is like stabbing yourself in the face with a butcher knife to make someone stop drinking. That doesn't make sense does it? So there you are, bleeding all down your face, in horrible pain, doubled over and panting, thinking in your head THAT'LL SHOW EM. NOW THEY WILL CHANGE!!! NOW THEY WILL TREAT ME RIGHT!!! No they won't. You may get a bandaid, but that is about it. 

The way some people walk on others offends me to my core. Codependants are not weak, some of them are coming from a good place, they are kind. Bullies see this as weakness and treat them like doormats (you mentioned doormat in your post right?). Stay in counselling and work in yourself and realize it is not selfish to focus on your wants and needs. Stop focusing on what others need or want from you. You can't be all to everyone. They will suck you dry and leave you to rot. People are cruel, which I am sure you already know.

Stay strong, it will get better. Become a soldier for your own cause. Once your perspective is corrected by lots of soul searching and self-reflection, you will be so much happier and even a better mate/friend to others who need help. When you stop trying to change someone and just listen or "be there" for someone, it doesn't take the same emotional toll that codependancy can take. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it doesn't always have to be a train.

Jeez, how many metaphors can I manage to put in one frickin' post?


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## Darlene Lancer JD MFT

My heart goes out to you. Recovering from codependency takes hard work and dedication. Pain is a motivator, unfortunately. I speak from personal and professional experience. There's a great book, _When I Say Know I Feel Guilty_, and I recommend the ebook, _How to Be Assertive_, which I'm happy to email you. If you're getting negative feedback or abuse when you speak up, it makes it even harder. There are articles on my blog that may be helpful and my book, _Codependency for Dummies_ has lots and lots of tools and strategies for better communication and recovery from codoependency. It can be ordered online.

Coming out of denial is the first BIG step. Join a 12-Step meeting for support and information and learn from others' experiences.


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## Numb in Ohio

Darlene Lancer said:


> My heart goes out to you. Recovering from codependency takes hard work and dedication. Pain is a motivator, unfortunately. I speak from personal and professional experience. There's a great book, _When I Say Know I Feel Guilty_, and I recommend the ebook, _How to Be Assertive_, which I'm happy to email you. If you're getting negative feedback or abuse when you speak up, it makes it even harder. There are articles on my blog that may be helpful and my book, _Codependency for Dummies_ has lots and lots of tools and strategies for better communication and recovery from codoependency. It can be ordered online.
> 
> Coming out of denial is the first BIG step. Join a 12-Step meeting for support and information and learn from others' experiences.



Thank you, I had never realized this was a "condition" until my counselor mentioned it. Yes I am interested in finding out more information on this. I went to your site and signed up with my email. I will look for the other books you have recommended. 

I have looked and there aren't any 12 step meetings close to me right now, so I will at least start with the books. 

Thanks again.


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