# Is my constant need for reassurance driving him away?



## BlessedWithLove (Jun 12, 2016)

I have always felt the need to be reassured about something almost all of my life. It has kind of gotten worse since i became married. 

bit of a back story...
i have been with my now husband for 8 years prior to getting married. he told me about a month before our wedding that he wanted to see other people and still be with me. which threw me for a big whirlwind of emotions. i felt hurt.. betrayed... pushed to the side... how come after all these years he was just now saying something and why right before the most important time in my life??

i just recently found out that he has been talking to this girl which lives about 10 miles from us. he had been talking to her since about right after we got married. he insists that nothing is going on. he's never met her. they have a ton of things in common.. more than him and i in certain ways. i feel like she is perfect for him. and just a few months ago i finally got him to let me talk to her myself. through messages. she doesn't feel like a threat to me when i'm the one talking to her. but for some reason when she is talking to my husband i get jealous. and i don't know why i am feeling this way. we had a rocky past with him talking to another girl while i was away and it got kinda heated through messages but that was it and i put a stop to it. around the time he started talking to this girl he was also talking to someone else that works in the same town as he does some 40 miles away. of course i didn't know about this one either. he started it off trying to be sexual i guess but she "shut him down" on it real quick and said "don't say anything to me you wouldn't want your wife to see". but then without me knowing he told me that he wasn't gonna be able to get off work early and that he was working until his normal time. and come to find out he got off work some 5-6 hours early. and proceeded to go out to eat and to the movies with her and to ride around town. but still text me on his lunch break at his normal time that he normally would of he was actually at work. to make it seem like he was still at work when he clearly wasn't. in a nutshell she ended up snubbing him off and saying "i've got a boyfriend.. blah blah blah" so i told him to delete her number out of his phone and don't talk to her again. it's like how can you sit there and say don't say anything to me that you wouldn't want your wife to see but then turn around and do all you did with my husband knowing i didn't have a clue you all was doing that. i'm hurt by all of this. and just don't want to automatically assume that this girl he's talking to now is gonna be that same way. where he "hides" things from me. he says he just wants a friendship with her. someone to hang out with that has the same interest in movies video games etc. and he's told me that if they ever hang out i am more than welcome to come too.

i understand this is really long but i guess i didn't realize how much i needed to get off my chest. i don't want to drag anyone into our personal life. so i have no one to vent to about this other than my husband and i know he's tired of always talking about this all the time.. just looking for some thoughts.. please no negative opinions i can't handle that right now.. just need someone to tell me what they think and be supportive about it..


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Your husband wants an open marriage, permission to see other women. 
He told you this & you still married him anyway. 
You're going to have to make a big decision now.

Either of the following:

1. Put up with this & get used to him chatting & potential sex with other girls. 

2. Put your foot down & give him an ultimatum and make sure he cuts contact with all women. 

Learn to become independent & not look for reassurances from others. 
The only opinion that matters is the opinion you have for yourself. 
If your opinion of yourself is low, please get some IC (independent counseling) so you don't need validation from others. 
Trust me if you become independent, you will be so happy in your life. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You tell your husband that he is married and he doesn't get to have a girlfriend. If he wants girlfriends, he knows where the door is. Do not back down on this. He never should have married you given his inclinations and you certainly never should have married him. Did you think he was just kidding with you?

He can always cultivate male friendships but then he wouldn't get to run around on you and cheat on you with your blessing.


----------



## BlessedWithLove (Jun 12, 2016)

i told him i wouldn't of been half as mad as i was.. if he would of just been honest with me and talked it out. i think now that he has finally come all the way open with me about how he feels and i can give him my opinion and feed back he says he feels like he doesn't have to hold back his feelings. i told him he could hang out with her as a friend but absolutely no kissing hand holding etc. and he said that was fine. because at first i was like nope it ain't gonna happen. i have come to realize i don't want to be a controlling person. its not how i was raised. i want to see him happy but just as friends. he told me he would come to me from now on about wanting to go somewhere with her. and again he said i was more than welcome to come along too so that it doesn't feel like he's just running off with her. she does seem like a really cool person. someone i would like to hang out with too. i don't know how she views him because she has a lot of guy friends. but i think she wouldn't let something happen. now this other girl i never got a chance to talk to her at all. so it was just kinda a performed opinion of her. he promises me nothing will happen. (he's never had sex with anyone else while he's been with me) he has been faithful in that way. i told him how i felt about this having a girl for a friend and hanging out with her from time to time.. and he said that he wouldn't cross any limits that i set. it's all up to me.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't think your husband is cut out for monogamy.


----------



## BlessedWithLove (Jun 12, 2016)

Blondilocks.. i am all for him having a friend that's a girl. i guess it was all in how he worded it... 

i asked him if he was attracted to her .. he said yes
i asked him if he would allow things to go further.. he said no
i asked him if he loved her/had a crush on her.. he said no

he said i still love you (meaning me) just as much as i did in the whole 8 years we have been together. he said he kept this from me because he didn't want to see me hurt and upset. and i'm a very giving person. i didn't want to take the easy road and just be like.. i ain't gonna marry you. i want to be married to him. and he tells me he wants to be married to me. he tells me he loves me and everything. he's not a very affectionate person.. like giving hugs.. back rubs.. etc.. those are things i kind of have to ask for. and he has told me that he needs to work on being more affectionate towards me so that i don't feel so pushed away. we have really had some long talks.. last nights talk was literally about 2.5 hours. .. communication between us is definitely not an issue.


----------



## BlessedWithLove (Jun 12, 2016)

i want to support him. i'm not gonna let the best thing that's ever happened to me walk out of my life. marriage is about ups and down.. give and take.. compromises.. and that's what we're working on. his job is stressing him out right now so our sex has lacked a bit. but when the mood does strike there's no trouble there. no other people are mentioned etc. it's him and i in that connecting moment. 9/10 i am the one bringing the other girl up and it makes him mad but i don't blame him for being mad because he's not dwelling on it.. and i shouldn't be either.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, honey, you just go on being all for him having a friend who is a girl. I'm sure he'll get lucky one day and find one that doesn't object to his sexual advances. Let him take her out to eat and to the movies - it's no skin off your nose, is it? Honestly, I have no idea why you're jealous, either.


----------



## BlessedWithLove (Jun 12, 2016)

i guess it's because he doesn't really have any friends that are girls in his life.. so this one threw me for a loop..


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

By all means take him up on his offer to go hang together with this friend, several times out will tell you a lot of what you need to be concerned about, but you are already aware of the worst.

His wording was troubling, 'tis true... when he said "attracted" it means just what @MrsAldi said, an open relationship. To want such closeness with another but not solely you tells me he is more affectionate than you say, just not willing to dedicate that to only you.

His past you shared also brings doubt, it seems to me that he will fail you spiritually and you will be hurt to a much greater degree than you already have... that is what i think.

You will have to be confident of your own worth to emotionally survive a relationship like this. Self will play an important strength in your own self-love/respect/worth (I share "worth" twice because you will have to believe in yourself much more than you as a couple).

I understand you want to support him but I do not see an easy path for you... there are many obstacles to stumble over.


----------



## BlessedWithLove (Jun 12, 2016)

I guess now my next question is.. how do i get over the jealousy thing?


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

BlessedWithLove said:


> I guess now my next question is.. how do i get over the jealousy thing?


Turn a blind eye, if you want. 
It's going to be hard though, the curiosity will annoy you. 
What happens when he gets a new "girl" friend & becomes sexual with her? 
Do you think you could even be OK with that? 
It'll be very tough for you. I personally couldn't do it. 
If I was in your situation, I'd rather know nothing. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## BlessedWithLove (Jun 12, 2016)

and i've told him nothing sexual can happen and he said that was fine. he said i will have to control that if the situation ever came up.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

BlessedWithLove said:


> and i've told him nothing sexual can happen and he said that was fine. he said i will have to control that if the situation ever came up.


And how would you do that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BlessedWithLove (Jun 12, 2016)

what do you mean how would i do that?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think I misunderstood. He was saying that he would have to control it, not you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

BlessedWithLove said:


> and i've told him nothing sexual can happen and he said that was fine. he said i will have to control that if the situation ever came up.


I'm sincerely sorry but eventually he will have intimacy with another woman, you're already letting him have an emotional affair with another woman. 
It's only a matter of time. 
You really need to think about this, the only way you can guarantee his fidelity is to make sure he's cuts contact with all potential women who will be willing. 
You consented to an open marriage, whether you realised that or not, he has taken it as a "go ahead" to chat with other women. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## BlessedWithLove (Jun 12, 2016)

that he would have to control his urges to want to follow through with it.. but be respectful and step away from the situation


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

BlessedWithLove said:


> that he would have to control his urges to want to follow through with it.. but be respectful and step away from the situation


Thanks for explaining. It might be hard for him to do that, though. Might be easier to avoid temptation in the first place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BlessedWithLove (Jun 12, 2016)

but i don't want to sit there and be the one to tell him that he can't do something..


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

BlessedWithLove said:


> but i don't want to sit there and be the one to tell him that he can't do something..


I understand. It is no fun to feel controlling, or like your husband's mother.

If my husband were to tell me these things, I would not try to control him or put rules on him, either. I would just walk out of his life.


----------



## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

BlessedWithLove said:


> I have always felt the need to be reassured about something almost all of my life. It has kind of gotten worse since i became married.
> 
> bit of a back story...
> i have been with my now husband for 8 years prior to getting married. he told me about a month before our wedding that he wanted to see other people and still be with me. which threw me for a big whirlwind of emotions. i felt hurt.. betrayed... pushed to the side... how come after all these years he was just now saying something and why right before the most important time in my life??
> ...


I think that you can't blame any other woman for the choices your H makes and you allow.

If you're not comfortable with what he's doing, you need to draw the line in the sand and let it be known that the **** will hit the fan if crossed. If your H really loves you, anything that he does that upsets you, should be of concern to him, as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BlessedWithLove said:


> have been with my now husband for 8 years prior to getting married. he told me about a month before our wedding that he wanted to see other people and still be with me.


Well of course you are insecure. Your husband did a bate and switch on you. This is not what a loving person does. He is a douche. Seriously this to me is like abuse. 


It's only been 8 years are you sure you want to live your life this way forever?



BlessedWithLove said:


> but i don't want to sit there and be the one to tell him that he can't do something..


Marriage is a contract, it has stipulations. You are not telling him something he can't do, he agreed to these are the conditions to fulfill the contract, to more no less.



BlessedWithLove said:


> I guess now my next question is.. how do i get over the jealousy thing?


There is nothing wrong with being jelous when the one you are married to starts to cheat on you. This is natural and healthy, it is actually unhealthy to try to suppress these normal feelings. 

Your husband is selfishly hurting you.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

BlessedWithLove said:


> but i don't want to sit there and be the one to tell him that he can't do something..


It seems you're desperate to be married to this guy so don't do anything. Wait until he's in a full-blown affair and possibly has a child on the way to put your foot down. 

You can't tell him he can't do something - he's a grown ass man (supposedly). What you can tell him is that you don't want a husband who runs around with other women. It's hurtful and humiliating. He has choices. He can choose to continue with girlfriends or he can choose to honor his vows and be a real husband. Contrary to popular opinion, men don't need to have women friends. 

If I were you, I'd be getting checked for STDs. Like yesterday.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Replied to your PM BWL, please let me know if you received it.


----------



## BlessedWithLove (Jun 12, 2016)

i don't feel like it's an emotional affair.. neither one of us do. i brought this up to him this evening and he didn't even know what an emotional affair was. we don't argue all the time but maybe once a week .. which is rare for us. we both still go places without hesitation. we enjoy each others company. i am gaining back trust with him about his whereabouts.. i wouldn't of been upset that he spent time with that other girl.. but it was the fact that he lied that pissed me off. and he knows this.. and he has apologized countless times.. i don't want any bad talk against my husband.. i want the support.. i don't want to be filled with doubt of the things others say. i very much appreciate all the help i really do. i have to take this one day at a time.. it does help me to get all this off my chest though


----------



## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

BlessedWithLove said:


> I have always felt the need to be reassured about something almost all of my life. It has kind of gotten worse since i became married.
> 
> bit of a back story...
> i have been with my now husband for 8 years prior to getting married. he told me about a month before our wedding that he wanted to see other people and still be with me. which threw me for a big whirlwind of emotions. i felt hurt.. betrayed... pushed to the side... how come after all these years he was just now saying something and why right before the most important time in my life??
> ...


OP this is NOT you. Your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. Most people would be insecure and angry about what your husband is doing. You are special and you don't have to put up with this. Men and women CANNOT be friends. Especially when one or both are married. Why does your husband need friendship from this woman when you should be his friend. He's dead wrong and if he's tired of talking about it then he's not going to stop what he's doing. I hate to say this but if it's tearing you up inside then you might have to leave.


----------

