# Do you ever just not care?



## anythingbutordinary (Sep 30, 2020)

Hi everyone, so a few months ago I made a post about how my husband hasn't been interested in sex with me for years.. and very rarely anything physical with me at all anymore in all honesty.. he usually just wants me to do stuff for him. My feelings go back and forth so much on this, that I don't really know the _right_ way to feel anymore. I have times where I feel very sad and depressed that this is what my marriage is like.. and feeling like something is wrong with me and that I need to change, well, maybe everything about myself and that will get him more interested in me..

But then I have times where I can't be bothered to care. I accept that this is my life and that this is just apparently what I signed up for when we got married and I can't really do anything about it. I know I mentioned the topic of porn before and how that was an issue with us as well... at the beginning of the year I almost lost my mom and she needed help around the house, so I stayed with her for about a month (still coming back home every evening though, to eat dinner and hang out with my husband for a few hours before going back to her house + I was here during the day on weekends) but I knew that would be the perfect opportunity for him to fall back into that, which he admitted he did.

And while it upset me (and still upsets me). that while I was going through something MAJOR at that time, that's what he chose to do, which probably just pushed us apart even more.. another part of me just doesn't care. Does anyone else feel like that? Like you go from feeling heart broken and wanting to fix everything on your own - somehow - to whatever, look at porn, never show interest in me, make me feel worthless.. it's just another day, try to make the most of it.

I feel kinda crazy for having BOTH of these kind of thoughts.. but maybe this is part of figuring it out? I don't know.. I hope I'm not alone in feeling like this..


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

anythingbutordinary said:


> Hi everyone, so a few months ago I made a post about how my husband hasn't been interested in sex with me for years.. and very rarely anything physical with me at all anymore in all honesty.. he usually just wants me to do stuff for him. My feelings go back and forth so much on this, that I don't really know the _right_ way to feel anymore. I have times where I feel very sad and depressed that this is what my marriage is like.. and feeling like something is wrong with me and that I need to change, well, maybe everything about myself and that will get him more interested in me..
> 
> But then I have times where I can't be bothered to care. I accept that this is my life and that this is just apparently what I signed up for when we got married and I can't really do anything about it. I know I mentioned the topic of porn before and how that was an issue with us as well... at the beginning of the year I almost lost my mom and she needed help around the house, so I stayed with her for about a month (still coming back home every evening though, to eat dinner and hang out with my husband for a few hours before going back to her house + I was here during the day on weekends) but I knew that would be the perfect opportunity for him to fall back into that, which he admitted he did.
> 
> ...


What outcome would you like to see? What steps are you taking to reach that outcome. At a higher level, if you are not happy with your marriage, why are you remaining in it? Before you say, "Because I love him," ask yourself what you love about him. His lack of attention to you? His use of porn to avoid sex with you? 

These are hard questions that you might want to ask yourself. Hopefully you have a lot of years of life ahead of you. Is this how you want to spend them?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

anythingbutordinary said:


> I feel kinda crazy for having BOTH of these kind of thoughts.. but maybe this is part of figuring it out? I don't know.. I hope I'm not alone in feeling like this..


yes, some days you are upset, angry and resentful, other days you couldn't care less. There are more important things in life than sex. Well, almost...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

This could also be a bit of depression setting in -- one of the signs is just not caring about anything.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do you want to spend the rest of your life as things are since you can’t make him change? Many people choose to stay so you won’t be alone if you do but it’s obviously not easy.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

anythingbutordinary said:


> Hi everyone, so a few months ago I made a post about how my husband hasn't been interested in sex with me for years.. and very rarely anything physical with me at all anymore in all honesty.. he usually just wants me to do stuff for him. My feelings go back and forth so much on this, that I don't really know the _right_ way to feel anymore. I have times where I feel very sad and depressed that this is what my marriage is like.. and feeling like something is wrong with me and that I need to change, well, maybe everything about myself and that will get him more interested in me..
> 
> But then I have times where I can't be bothered to care. I accept that this is my life and that this is just apparently what I signed up for when we got married and I can't really do anything about it. I know I mentioned the topic of porn before and how that was an issue with us as well... at the beginning of the year I almost lost my mom and she needed help around the house, so I stayed with her for about a month (still coming back home every evening though, to eat dinner and hang out with my husband for a few hours before going back to her house + I was here during the day on weekends) but I knew that would be the perfect opportunity for him to fall back into that, which he admitted he did.
> 
> ...


You have to decide what you really want then make it happen. 

I assume you have expressed your concerns about lack of intimacy to your husband, but have you told him this has to change or our marriage is over?


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## hplove (Jan 19, 2021)

maybe If he stops looking at porn...........


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Could you just give him an ultimatum? Porn or you. Men can and should live without it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

how about you make him watch porn, as you rub his penis and "edge" him. i.e. bring him to the brink of cumming, but do not let him cum. then do it again. and again.
you might enjoy the power you have over him. and he might start to view porn as a weak alternative to your dominating his sex life that way. get him to beg you to do it to him.

i do not think telling him "no more porn" is going to work. instead, give him something much better to do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

CatholicDad said:


> Could you just give him an ultimatum? Porn or you. Men can and should live without it.


I know someone who did that. It worked, but the one giving the ultimatum has to mean it.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> It worked, but the one giving the ultimatum has to mean it.


Isn't that the crux of most of the problems not getting solved on here?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Talker67 said:


> how about you make him watch porn, as you rub his penis and "edge" him. i.e. bring him to the brink of cumming, but do not let him cum. then do it again. and again.
> you might enjoy the power you have over him. and he might start to view porn as a weak alternative to your dominating his sex life that way. get him to beg you to do it to him.
> 
> i do not think telling him "no more porn" is going to work. instead, give him something much better to do.


I am for sure going to say many people are going to thumb their noses at this, but I think it has merit. If the op is able to put herself in this position. It would for sure take someone open minded and strong to do it. Definitely would not be for everyone.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

watching porn is a somewhat sleezy thing for him to do. so i do not think this hubby is going to be taking his cues from the Catholic church! She def needs to step up, and appeal to his pervy side. be strong, and make him beg for it!

it may not be who the OP is, but it would be what the OP can ROLE PLAY to be, in order to knock some sense into her hubbies thick skull


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

If hubby won’t give up porn for his marriage... the marriage doesn’t really exist anyway. I’d think it would be beneficial for a wife to try and help hubby overcome it, and even document when/what is done... so that if hubby fails and won’t give up porn this can be presented in court as part of divorce proceedings. My opinion... I mean who ever agreed to sharing their spouse with porn!


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

During transition from one state to another my husband and I lived separately while we figured out what state we would be in. I noticed our data soaring on our phone bill one month and discovered he was watching copious amounts of porn. Now, we were separated for almost 8 months only seeing each other 1 or 2 times a month. I get how men are weak in this area, but for years he's swore he doesn't masterbate, (naïve of me to believe him, I know) but having sex almost nightly for years, never catching him in the act, he never had the opportunity to in the house or needed to for that matter because I was always available. Plus I always encouraged him to try to do it when we were together, the thought of sharing in that with him always struck my fancy but he never would even try, said he didn't like to. 

Yeah well, obviously that wasn't true and he did finally admit to it after total denial for about a week. It hurt me, the porn was one thing, but the act and the fact he didn't want to open up to me in that way. It just really changed me and then it just continued on. And now, it's like he sees me as playing a role in one of the videos he's watched. I'm used and there is zero intimacy. And I know we cannot recover from it, but he's fine as long as he can have sex with me. I could just lay there and he's fine with it. It's effing sad. I just don't care anymore, so yes. I get what you are saying and if you have the means leave. I don't, not yet anyway but I'm working on it.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

The only thing about “don’t care” is “are you ready for it”.

If you don’t care and he doesn’t care and show no interest to care. That basically ends the marriage right there. Are you ready for that? If not, then work to fix it. If you are, then congrats, you are ready to move on.

the lesson learnt for me is that I am ready and prepared myself for the don’t care. Neither of us care. I learn to accept it and actually now have made pace with her “don’t care”. I just have zero expectations, that means zero disappointment.

it’s not easy. And it’s not like now everything is nice and easy now. But I learn to work with what I have, and I no longer have to stuck with “how can she doesn’t care when I do”. Because now I don’t care and I expect her not to care.


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