# Tired of Being Held Hostage



## OnTheBrink (Dec 4, 2011)

(I’m starting a new thread since my previous post about considering separation for more than a year with little improvement was getting quite lengthy.)

After the latest BS fight, I finally told my wife we needed to try separation b/c we couldn’t just keep repeating the same pattern. I was just suggesting a temporary separation (maybe a couple weeks or a month) just to try to clear our heads. She immediately assumes I’m trying to hook up with someone and I assure her I am not. When she has been threatening divorce, I have insisted I would want shared custody of the kids, so for the separation I said we would spend equal time away and equal time at home with the kids. She acted devastated about having to spend time away from the kids. I took the first stint last week, but when it was time to shift to her, she was crying, upset, and acting angry with me. I let her stay away one night and then told her to come home. She was glad to come home, but questioned me on multiple occasions about why I had cut things short. I told her I felt like I had gotten out of it what I had needed, and hoped she had too, but didn’t want to make things harder on the family unnecessarily and that the money we were using could be better spent. Maybe she wanted my undying pledge of love and loyalty to her, which I don’t feel right now, but I tell her that we can get there if we just keep moving in the right direction. Should I lie and act like I have feelings I don’t in hopes that they will come later? I don’t think she would believe me and I’m not sure it would matter.

It is hard for us to have a conversation and come to any kind of joint decision or resolution about even the simplest things. Yet somehow she was able to sit through the conversation to work through the logistics of our separation. It was nice for us to actually work together on something, but of course in the back of my mind it bothered me that this would be the one thing she’d be amenable to talk through. She made a couple comments toward the end of the week about being unsure about our relationship. Then today at the first difference of opinion she is off, refusing to talk to me, leaving the house, and saying we should go back to the separation. 

It seems she may have been disappointed that things weren’t still moving in the direction of ending – like she wants it to end, but doesn’t want to be blamed for it. It’s seemed like for years she has been daring me to end things and I’ve felt throughout the marriage that she has held the relationship hostage to get what she wants. At first I was the sucker always giving in to try to please her, but over time I grew unhappy with this arrangement and start pushing for a fair balance. We never had a healthy relationship, but the first phase was more peaceful. Now anytime I try to discuss an option or even point of view that differs from hers it usually turns into a big fight. She simply won’t allow the conversation to happen. She will do what she wants with or without me, and the only way I will ever get what I want is to do it without her. (Doesn’t seem like much of a relationship, but I’ve been trying to work toward a fair balance for years now and it literally seems like she will destroy the relationship before that happens.)

I worry about things ending. I’m afraid that even if I can arrange for shared custody initially, at some point it will be more practical for the kids to have a primary home, and that my wife would get them. It won’t be fair, when she is the one blocking us from having a family together. I also worry about her not being best for them by herself, or her creating another dysfunctional relationship with someone else that my kids would have to deal with on top of going back and forth between two homes. Sometimes I think I can protect them by keeping the family together, but what benefit will a disjointed family really bring them…I know I won’t be happy.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Do you know if your wife has any mental health issues? Like a personality disorder or something? 

Your situation sounds very similar to mine, expect we haven't been brave enough to try a separation yet.

But I really think there's more going on in your wife's head than you realize. I'm guess there might be a personality disorder involved here. But I could be biased. It seems like I'm seeing personality disorders all over the place nowadays.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

OnTheBrink:

Have you and your wife ever tried MC? Have YOU considered it? It is obvious that you two cannot solve your problems on your own. MC may not be able to fix your problems either, but a professional helping you work through it would offer a better chance than you two have been able to do on your own.

It would be wise for you to bring up this possibility in a loving way to your wife as a last-ditch effort to see if you two can salvage your marriage and family life. If she is unwilling or if you are unwilling, then I think you have your answer.You two will muddle on as you are now until one or the other of you calls it quits.

Hope you two will give MC an honest try. You'll be no worse off than you are now and may actually find that it helps you communicate and understand each other (and yourselves) better.


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

:iagree:


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## OnTheBrink (Dec 4, 2011)

The first time we tried MC a few years back, my wife would go to the sessions and act like nothing was wrong, and get mad at me for saying there was...so it wasn't productive...

We tried again about a year back. She attended a few sessions with a few different counselors. She would pull out something said here or there to use as leverage in future fights, but when I would try to implement other suggestions, she would fight them tooth and nail. She started griping and complaining about the sessions fighting with me before and after. She made attending into as big as a hassle as possible, until it became so unproductive I agreed to stop going.

As far as mental issues, she has been trying different medicines often without telling me when she changes dose or alters the time she's taking it. Just another thing she doesn't work together with me on. I'm sure it's my obligation to just be supportive and understanding regardless if my needs are ever being met. I should stop believing when she makes promises to be there for me, so I don't feel let down when she doesn't come through. I had depression issues at the start of our marriage that she had a hard time dealing with and she says caused her to withdraw from me and stop trying. 

Anyway,I'll probably keep giving more in hopes of eventually getting my needs met, and she'll keep making a pretense toward meeting my needs while really trying to get what she wants. Either something will change, or things will eventually become so bad that we'll end it.

I know I need to be stronger...it's just difficult when I'm never getting my needs met. I should let her go back to us separating, and stick to it no matter how much she cries about it


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, Feeling for you, Brink!

You might want to get back into Individual Counselling for yourself. This might help you 'get stronger' so that you can sort out your feelings, wants, needs and goals. Once you're feeling stronger, you may certainly have a clearer idea of how you can effect the changes that you decide are best for you and your family. I urge you to go! Do it for you so YOU are not feeling so alone and overwhelmed.

We're still here for you, Brink!


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## OnTheBrink (Dec 4, 2011)

Wow - reading some of the other threads on this site make me realize a couple of things

1) There are worse relationships out there

2) If I leave this one who knows what I'd be getting into next

A quick update on this thread though...

I've been making a point to be stronger in the relationship...
She may whine about it at first but I've been holding firm

For example, I won't just accept absolute statements from her when trying to sway an outcome in her direction. Let's talk about reasons and options...let's talk about your ideas and point of view and mine...if she refuses to do so then I may have to make a decision without her, which she of course doesn't like, but hopefully soon she will start participating in a joint decision making process.

I've also made a point to not let myself be baited into escalating disagreements, when she starts mocking or scoffing at my ideas I tell her that she is being disrespectful and I'm not going to engage in conversation when she is treating me that way.

I just have to stay strong and stay the course...we can build a happy life and family for ourselves and especially for our kids...


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