# Caught her; left her. Why am I still miserable?



## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

It's been nearly 3 years since I left my wife of 10 years (dated 5 years) after catching her cheating on me with two of her co-workers. 

We tried to reconcile a few times, but she really didn't want it. I was just the fallback guy, until I finally asked her if I would ever be more than a friend to her, and she told me no. Since then, I have no wish to talk to her, see her or if I could help it, think about her.

Having a kid complicates things. It means that the one who spurned you, cheated on you, laughed at you behind your back, and hates your guts with every fibre of their being, will ALWAYS be in your life. You can never shake them. You can never stop thinking about them. You WILL have to see them, talk to them, maintain contact with them, for the sake of your child. I look at my daughter and she's every bit as beautiful as my wife. I think of all the good times. I think of the bad times, but somehow, they seem less critical then when we were actually going through them. The good times trump all. And it kills me to know that she's still enjoying life-- with other guys. And I'm kinda just stuck in 2008. I lost my job, my place, my car (she took it, and refused to share it, even on weekends when I have my daughter). I have nothing, feel like nothing. I'm temping now and living with family now, so I guess things will get better slowly, but c'mon, how much more of this can one man take?

She told me she believed all women should have 3 men; 1 for money (husband), 1 for sex, and another just to have fun and talk to in the way she can't do with the other two. Well, I guess it's working for her, because here we are 3 years later and she has several guys to get sex, go on trips and do all the things we used to do together, and here I am lonely, miserable, depressed.

Every now and then I think (know) I did the right thing in leaving, but knowing that she feels absolutely no remorse, is still seeing the guy (plus a few more) she first cheated on me with (even brings him by my house when she picks up my daughter, despite my request not to do so), saddens me deeply. I've never known pain like this. I thought over time it would get better, but it hasn't. AT ALL.

I tried to divorce her; she wouldn't sign. Asked me to rewrite the agreement. I did so, cost me an extra $250. Gave the revised agreement to her, and she just threw it in the back seat of the car and drove off. 

I helped her out of a financial situation once (stupid, I know. Left me broke, too). Since she was being so friendly at the time (and why wouldn't she, since I was helping her where no one else would, not even any of her new "friends" or her mom), I asked why she just doesn't divorce me and get it over with. She said, "I'm waiting for your financial situation to improve".

It was then that I knew she cared nothing for me at all, and that only her self-gratification mattered. Husband and daughter be damned. We only talk (text, really) when it concerns my daughter, and even then she's cursing me out, calling me stupid, and worse. 

Anyway, enough bashing her. I played my part in steering her toward an extramarital affair, but I was always willing to work, and I never cheated.

Will things ever get better for me? I sit here and compare our new lives, and mine sucks in every way possible, while she's living free and sexy. What happened to karma? What happened to the grass isn't always greener? I guess sometimes, it is...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It’s time for you to http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Her life sounds awful and what a horrible role model for your daughter!

You are good to be rid of her...honest.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Man you need to snap out of it. You have for years put this burden on you and have let this crap define who you are.

Once you take the steps to pick your self up and find the things that make you happy ie.hobbies and volunteer you will start to feel better about your self.

Come on man, don't let her win.....you must get out of this rut by looking at things differently. Face it the few years haven't work, so make the change that will redifine who you want to be.

I get it depression sucks, but if you don't start doing this differntly and start looking at things in a better light you will continue to fight with your self. 

Pick your self up and get out there, there is alot out there and now you don't have the ol ball and chain holding you back.

Take your kid places were you can meet like minded poeple. you know, single folks with kids. 

shake this monkey off your back and stop letting your cheating wife define you. Positive things happen to positive people so go out and make the effort to reinvent your self. 

Stop comparing your life with some one that has such an unhealthy life style. Stop comparing your life period, and go make something of your self and be the better person your daughter is goning to need in life. She sure as hell can't depend on her mother to be a good example of a human being.

It will get better but you have to make it better...things won't come to you, you have to go and get them.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Her life sounds awful and what a horrible role model for your daughter!
> 
> You are good to be rid of her...honest.


I'm sorry, but how is her life awful? She's got my car, a few boy-toys, full-time job.. :scratchhead:

I agree about the bad role model. My daughter kind of feels that way too, and she's only 10. She definitely sees that my wife values her time out with the boys/girls more than her time with her daughter. 

It may be good to be rid of her, but honestly, even during the bad times, I was happier with her than I am without her, while the opposite appears to be true for her.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

AFEH said:


> It’s time for you to http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html.


Thanks, I will look into these. Has anyone here tried the suggestions in those threads/blogs/sites?

the_guy, thanks for that. Many of my friends have tried to get me to shake that monkey (not that one, the one on my back!) with varying levels of success, but once you're alone again, back to your new living conditions, that monkey just comes swinging right back to her perch. 

Still, the idea of meeting other single folks with kids is kind of cool.

Cue the Brady Bunch theme...!


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

You need to better yourself, there is someone out there who needs and wants you! Go out, go to the gym, work on yourself, build self confidence and boost your self esteem. Go out and about, meet people, you will see that there is better people out in the world.

You've given up. You need to pick yourself up off the ground and focus on your future.

"The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!" -Rocky Balboa


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

m-
There you go again "woh as me, shes got everything". Your kid sounds smart, show her a father that can be happy. Shes counting on you man, can't you see this?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Divorce her then completely change your life. Do what ever you need to do to be a success. Have a multi year plan and hit all your goals on time. Once you start down that road date and regain your confidence. Don't commit to the first woman you meet. 

I agree with the guy - your daughter needs to see a normal happy relationship. You are completely letting her down. That is all the more reason for you to get a plan and stick to it. 

Your best antidote for this is success. Concentrate on that and in 6 months you will be a totally different person. You will also be glad you divorced her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

He has tried to divorce her. She won't sign the papers. Isn't there any way around that? If a spouse totally refuses to sign the papers and flaunts her little boy-toys in your face, etc.? I don't know, but there are lots of smart people on here that probably know a way to get it done.

I talked to a lady last night. She was talking about her boyfriend "just wants to be friends." I laughed and said the meaning is "I've met someone else and want to give that a shot." Anyway, in talking it ends up she is married on paper. She has been separated from her "husband" for 8 years. Similar situation as you in not being able to get the divorce document. She is married on paper, but has moved on with her life. If you can't find a way to get that paper signed, maybe that is what you need to do as well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She doesn't have to agree to the divorce. File for divorce and be done with her. The judge will sign the papers if she wont. It happens everyday. Most divorces aren't mutual. Stop staying in limbo of your own choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> She doesn't have to agree to the divorce. File for divorce and be done with her. The judge will sign the papers if she wont. It happens everyday. Most divorces aren't mutual. Stop staying in limbo of your own choice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Signing Divorce Papers

It doesn't mean much if she won't sign the papers, it just means it will be contested and she has to appear in court and explain why she doesn't want the divorce.

My ex-wife didn't sign the divorce papers either. It's not my problem she didn't show up in court either. The Judge still granted the divorce.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The thing is he served the papers him self, he has to have them served by some one else.
That way she can't deny the court order to appear, b/c the other person can validate the notice was served.
Once the order is served and she doesn't respond then the judgement for devorce under his terms will be granted.

From what I understand if you don't contest the order it will be granted......not showing up mean you don't care what happens.

If I understand it correctly in CA when you sue someone for divorce you must show up to contest the D..if you dont then then you lose your right to whats yours and whats not, the D is granted and the person that didn't show is screwed. But you have to serve them correctly. The supina is the order to appear and the court dont like it when you waste there time when you don't so by making the judgment for the person filling motivates the other person to appear and except or refuse the term of the lawsuit.

That was my understanding but hey I'm just the guy, call a lawyer for cryen out loud.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Two things: If you are unemployed, you may be able to spousal support FROM HER. Given she's a selfish, evil person, this may give you some leverage. 

Two: She sounds like a psycopath. An actual one. Roughly 1-2% of the population is. In which case, she has a mental disorder than makes her unable to feel empathy, love, trust or forgiveness. Her view of the world is one where people are to be used. 

In other words, her "great" life is not so great. And given the choice between being you and being her, I'd be you every time. 

It is time for you to pick yourself up and make something happen.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

the guy said:


> The thing is he served the papers him self, he has to have them served by some one else.


:iagree:

He needs to notify his lawyer that he needs to have her served. Depending on the court, they either have a process server who will serve her the papers, or the county sheriff deputies will serve the papers.

If she doesn't answer the subpoena to appear in court, then its an automatic judgement of divorce against her. Bottom line is she can't prevent a divorce by simply not signing divorce papers. Even if she did sign the divorce papers that day instead of throwing them in the back seat, those papers wouldn't have been valid anyway, because they weren't signed in the presence of a notary and not notarized.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Melancholyman, I reckon a person’s really made it when they take pleasure in the simplest things in life. The aroma of a decent coffee, the smell of roses, the different blues in the sky, green fields and woods, the laughter of children playing. But appreciating these things means “living in the now”. Sad, depressed people simply cannot see the beauty all around them, because they focus too much on the past and what might have been in the future.

Become aware of the beauty all around you. Great thing is, to take pleasure from it all doesn’t cost a penny. Buy yourself two books “The Power of Now” (Eckhart Tolle ) and “Awareness” (Anthony de Mello). Both are life changing, but only if you want to change your life and have the will to do so. Misery and depression are choices as are joy and happiness.

You have let your sadness and depression define who you are. Only you can change that.


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## Rafaelinan (Jul 31, 2011)

That's right, don't wait for her to sign the divorce papers as she seems to have no plans at all of doing so. File it up and probably when it's granted it will somehow help you to take a step forward. Don't let her get you stuck in that situation, be kind to yourself brah.. you deserve to be happy too. I mean, we all do.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

My brother had his D papers delivered through the USPS and checked to have the package signed for so he could have a recepit showing that she recieved the papers and that worked for him, she never signed the papers but the judge said she was served and i think after 30 or 60 days the judge signed it all off an my bros D went through. Go to your local court house and ask them questions on what you should do.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

If service of the divorce complaint cannot be perfected by law enforcement or a process server, it can be advertised in the legal section of the newspaper for I believe 4 weeks (may vary state to state) and that will constitute service. If she doesn't answer the divorce complaint, the judge will enter a final decree.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OP--check the laws where you live about how to file for divorce. 
If you file the correct way and she still doesn't respond, it's not your problem. If she doesn't show up to court, not your problem. If she doesn't sign, not your problem.

Notice a theme here?

A judge WILL sign and grant the divorce in her absence. 

I am going to guess that you have been holding out hope this entire time (3 yrs now) that she will someday come back and that is why you never followed through with the appropriate paperwork. 

Stop waiting. 

Start living.

File and move on. 

Don't let her have this power over you. 3 years is a long time.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Listen to the folks here, m... you CAN do this. But you have to decide to. Tonight, pour yourself a drink or whatevetr you care to consume, look yourself in the mirror, and DECIDE.

DECIDE to start your life anew.
DECIDE to essentially fight back. She's waiting for your financial situation to change?? Guess what... she already realizes that if you served her, she'd likely end up paying YOU. Good, I say. She earned it.
DECIDE that the first step is to have your psychopathic wife served (this will surprise her, that you're 'strong enough' to actually go through with it now).
DECIDE you will do what it takes for the sake of your daughter, if not for yourself.
DECIDE on your next career choice, and do whatever it takes (training, schooling) to make it happen.
DECIDE not to get side-tracked or swayed off your new course. 
and importantly, DECIDE to get some professional help for yourself; I believe you may be in real depression. Perhaps medication can help you get through this period until the "new you" arrives.
YOU CAN DO THIS. Take the first step by really, truly deciding to make it happen.
Besides, there is no better revenge at her than to go on to leading a full, happy life. And your daughter deserves it.


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