# Men's Advice - behavior when cheating.



## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

Hi there. New to the forum as a member but have been reading posts on here for quite some time just now getting the nerve to air out my own issues - and yes I have a few! 

My very first relationship experience when I was a teen was quite traumatic for me. I was very naive and gave the man I was with my heart, soul, guts....all of it. In my eyes, even though I spent a lot of time crying, he loved me. Anyway, without getting into too many gory details, one day I found out he had been cheating on me and while that was traumatic enough for me it was when I discovered it that still lingers with me to this day, in my present relationship. While we had many ups and downs, it was when things were the most "perfect" (in my eyes) that I found out he had been cheating. He was more attentive to me, came to see me more, was more loving.....so the blow felt extra hard.

To this day this (about 20 years later) has stuck with me. In my relationships after, whenever the person I was with became to "attentive", instead of enjoying it, it made me feel suspicious. I feel like that with my husband now and I know it is something I need to work on because it is tiring and draining and I really want to be able to trust and enjoy the good times. 

I am wondering if any of the men in this forum have experience with this and if not just some opinions on this. I guess I am just curious to know if the majority of men would pull away from their significant other, or actually move closer to her while cheating? I know this all must sound pretty immature but I realize issues not dealt with properly in the past have a way of rearing their ugly heads later in life. I know many would have just let that kind of experience go but I was always very sensitive and internalized hurtful events a bit too much. Life since then has given me more of a backbone but this still seems to be a thorn in my side.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm not a guy, but I've experienced this. Some cheaters do become more demonstrative with their primary partner when they're cheating. However, I think it's something many cheaters do, rather than being a gender-specific thing.

For some, I think the guilt of knowing they're cheating somehow spurs them to do more for their primary relationships. They're trying to sort of "compensate" for the fact that they're running around. 

At the same time, some people also get a real high from cheating. The high of it makes them giddy and they seem happier with the world in general - like a "happy drunk" at a party who wants to hug everyone, kiss people on the cheek, and say "I love you!" to every acquaintance. When a cheater is on a cheating high, they may want to be better in all areas of their life, from work to their primary relationship. That can translate into more affection, quality time, sex, gifts, help around the house, etc., while they're cheating. 

And then there are the cheaters who think upping their game at home will prevent suspicion. They're being nicer to their primary partner so he or she won't suspect the cheating. 

Yes, it is possible to have all three scenarios happening with the same cheater at the same time. More importantly, though, I would say that it's more a sudden change in behavior that is the tip-off for cheating, rather than just that your partner is affectionate or gave you a gift. Being close, being nice, being generous, being loving are all things you want in a relationship. Sudden departures from the norm, however, can be red flags.

Some individual counseling might help you to gain the confidence to be more able to tell genuine good behavior from cheating red-flags. If you can't trust people enough to have a healthy relationship, every act of kindness will be a trigger for you. And that's not on your partner, that's on you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Most cheaters do LESS for the primary relationship. The need is met externally, and if they get close to one of their affair partners, they don't want to feel like they are cheating on them with their spouse. That's how the logic gets flipped.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This isn't about cheating.

This is about you feeling unsafe and insecure in a relationship, particularly when a good partner is doing the very things intended to create comfort and security.

Best advice I can give you is to pull in a professional. You need someone to help you untangle that knot.

Because if you don't, either consciously or unconsciously, you will sabotage an otherwise healthy relationship.

There is something to the saying that we can precipitate the very circumstances we are trying to avoid in a relationship.

If consistent message your partner gets is that you don't trust them and believe they will leave you ... inevitably, they WILL leave you. Because there is no trust and there is nothing positive to focus on.


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## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

Deejo this is so true....your words gave me goosebumps because this is what I have been doing all these years. It's as if I can't believe the person will love me enough to stay with me and I do end up sabotaging so then I can justify to myself that I was "right all along". 

In my present relationship I have been working hard to change that. My marriage has been far from perfect but a family friend who is also a therapist once told me out of sheer frustration because she truly thought I was not in a good relationship and didn't grasp why I couldn't see that.....BUT after many ups and downs and knowing me for so many years she said she realized I only feel comfortable in tumultuous relationships and that he is actually the same. We feed off each other's defects yet we also understand each other and have patience with each other like nobody else could. 

But we have worked hard to get where we are at where that ups and downs are less extreme and it feels good and I don't want to sabotage things especially now. I try to keep my doubts to myself. I wrote a post in the General Discussion where I talk more about my relationship.

I greatly appreciate your words of wisdom....thank you.


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## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

Treyvion....I figured the majority would be that way. I couldn't imagine cheating and then coming home and smiling and bubbly with my husband. If anything I would become more moody and reserved....I don't know how people can stomach living double lives and all the work and deceit that goes into it. My husband has actually said that the more he seems to do the more I doubt him. While he is not a completely innocent party when it comes to what has fueled my doubts, presently he has changed for the better and I want to enjoy that rather than suffer with it. 

Thanks so much for responding.


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## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

Rowan, I guess each situation is so different and as you mentioned there are other red flags to be aware of. Right now, I know, as you said, that this is "on me". I posted more details about my relationship in the General section so I won't get gory again here, but my husband is not the easiest man in the world, and I think many if not most women would have bailed on him long ago (and I think that has been the case in his life, if he even ever let anyone get that close to him). But my own life experiences make me able to tolerate him and understand him because I can relate. he has done many things that have hurt me deeply....BUT he has also made a huge effort to change and that it where we are now. I don't want to let my past doubts and hurts sabotage what I have now.....all the work and perseverance would be for nothing....so I do need to work a lot on myself.

Thanks so much for responding.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

BackwardFizz said:


> Hi there. New to the forum as a member but have been reading posts on here for quite some time just now getting the nerve to air out my own issues - and yes I have a few!
> 
> My very first relationship experience when I was a teen was quite traumatic for me. I was very naive and gave the man I was with my heart, soul, guts....all of it. In my eyes, even though I spent a lot of time crying, he loved me. Anyway, without getting into too many gory details, one day I found out he had been cheating on me and while that was traumatic enough for me it was when I discovered it that still lingers with me to this day, in my present relationship. While we had many ups and downs, it was when things were the most "perfect" (in my eyes) that I found out he had been cheating. He was more attentive to me, came to see me more, was more loving.....so the blow felt extra hard.
> 
> ...



So...if a man ignores you, he is obviously scum...but if he is extra attentive, he's likely a cheater.

I think you need to give your SO a chart which specidfically mandates exactly how much attention he is allowed to pay you without running afoul of either label. Tis a narrow course indeed you are allowing him.

Just an observation


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## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

I agree....it's not a good place to be and I don't want to be there or to put him there...when I feel insecure about this I don't normally share it (when things are good) with him....it's more of an internal battle because I know it's my issue not his.


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