# Please Help 21 year Marriage going down the drain



## Bhunter (Mar 27, 2013)

Please help me I am spinning out of control. We have been married for 21 years seperated for 3 years with 3 children.

I went to her wanting to reconcile she advised me she needed space and it had taken her a long time to get where she was at and didnt want to go backwards. We have had this on again off again thing for 3 years. She advises me she has been talking to someone on the phone he has not been married and never will be marriedas soon as she told me this I knew who it was. 
I decided to do some checking so one night I went to her house and seen her and him making out on couch then move to bedroom where it started Unfortunately I couldnt stop watching i couldnt believe my eyes my wife obviously enjoying herself with another man who I know.. It took everything I had to not do something stupid but I didnt.. I am a combat veteran and this imagery is haunting me just like the war.. 

I don't know what to do I want to tell her I know but not sure if I should just wait and see what happens. 

We have not lived together for 2 years and I am spinning out of control with emotions and some bad thoughts If anyone could give me some advice on how i should proceed I would greatly appreciate it. I love my 3 children and do not want to hurt them

Thanks
Bhunter


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

This relationship was over 3 years ago. You should divorce now and move on. You're missing out on a good life by hanging on to her.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Bhunter said:


> Please help me I am spinning out of control. We have been married for 21 years seperated for 3 years with 3 children.
> 
> I went to her wanting to reconcile she advised me she needed space and it had taken her a long time to get where she was at and didnt want to go backwards. We have had this on again off again thing for 3 years. She advises me she has been talking to someone on the phone he has not been married and never will be marriedas soon as she told me this I knew who it was.
> I decided to do some checking so one night I went to her house and seen her and him making out on couch then move to bedroom where it started Unfortunately I couldnt stop watching i couldnt believe my eyes my wife obviously enjoying herself with another man who I know.. It took everything I had to not do something stupid but I didnt.. I am a combat veteran and this imagery is haunting me just like the war..
> ...


Your wife likes having you as a backup plan. She wants to explore romance with another man, but doesn't want to cut you loose. So she keeps you hanging on. As you have allowed this to play out, she has absolutely no negative consequences.

Tell her what you saw. Tell her she either comes back now, or you file for divorce and move on without her.

Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear, but three years separated, two years living apart, and God only knows how long she's been banging this guy and how many other guys before this one.

Whatever you're doing to support her in her affair, stop doing it. Whatever you're paying for of hers, stop. If you are still doing family things together with the kids, stop. See an attorney and find out what your rights are regarding custody and keeping the kids away from her lovers.

Talk to her only about the divorce settlement and custody issues. She dumped you, but have some pride, some dignity, some self-respect. Stop being her doormat.

That's pretty cruel, holding out hope to you while banging some guy you know.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

The 1 question i have is, did you have a affair on your wife. If so honestly you dont get a say what happens to you 2, you threw that out the window when u decided to not let her have a chioce to have to go through the pain of what you put her through by having an affair. I am sorry you made the choices that you made.. If you lovee you kids then show them by being a man and not doing anything stupid. They deserve both of you in there lives so dont be selfish and do what ever you want. If you cant handle it gi to counceling, yske a drive what ever you need to do to not do something stupid.. So you made a mistake learn from it mive in and try to fix your mistake and make up for with someone new.

If you didnt have an affair ignore what i said and do the 180 and move on with your life. File for a D and love your children and find a better deserving women. Thats what you deserve. Dont live the rest of your lige with a women who cant makebup her mind. You will never fully trust her again. You may think you will, but in the endbyou wont because your still in the hysterical phase. Onve that passes and decide to fully move you will see... Good luck...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Since she says she's "talking" to someone who has never been married and doesn't want to be married, she has no problem enjoying the conjugal benefits of marriage with him and keeping you on the hook for financial support and emotional support. 

You are no more to her than a casual 'girlfriend' acquaintance. Except she's probably much more honest with her casual girlfriend acquaintances than she is with you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The relationship as been over for years. It's not coming back , she will never be with you again. It's time to file, talk to her only about kids, and move on with your life.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Divorce


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do you see what your life has become? It appears this women has brought out the worst in you!

Please let her go and find another women you don't have to be a peeping tom with and can have a healthy relationship with...some one you can enjoy. Not a women you have to watch in the bushes enjoying someone else.

I mean come on man 3 years and your hiding in the bushes watching???????

You should be in bed with an awesome chick who digs you not watching some other chick bang away while your kids are in the next room. Yuck!

So may man dust your self off and go find a healthy relationship. I bet your kids will see a happier father, and that is worth its weight in gold.

I really believe you can be a better father when you have shaken this women off your back and can get to a emotionally healthier place. 

Really your kids deserve better then a father that is cuckold to there mother. What a terrible example you are showing your kids.

Seriously, how to think your kids perceive you when there daddy keeps chancing after mommy that has boy friends that have sex in there house?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Do the180.
Divorce and move on.

Don't chase an imaginary shadow of your marriage with her, it was long ago over.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed would your wife be acting the way you have been acting for the past 3 years and would she have moved on already?


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## HampdenMom (Mar 24, 2013)

It's been over for three years and you are her backup plan. Dust yourself off, stop devaluing yourself and file for divorce. Maybe you can move on to a healthy relationship where you are not just an option. 
Hope things get better.


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## Bhunter (Mar 27, 2013)

Thank you all for the good advice. I do appreciate it and am going to do my best to move on and be a great dad for my kids.
Thanks again


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Good for you. Just be prepared for some hysterical behavior and the standard" NO, I still love you, lets work on our marriage" line when you file and serve her.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Bhunter said:


> I went to her wanting to reconcile she advised me she needed space and it had taken her a long time to get where she was at and didnt want to go backwards.


Bhunter, how many ways does she have tell you she's through with you? It looks to me like the only person she doesn’t want a relationship with right now is you. When a woman is done with you, they are done with you. Give it up dude.
What's worse is you going around peeping in her windows? How are you going to explain it when someone calls the cops and you're arrested? You think you're spinning out of control now, wait until you are posing for mug shots and you're being arraigned.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Look, she left the marriage about SIX years ago. Stop this nonsense and Divorce her and start a new life!


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