# To contact or not?



## Lilly_Louise

im just woundering for everyone out there, when you did split with your husband or wife, how long did you have no contact with them before you called? im purely just woundering if no contact for a while helped the relationship or the move on.


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## lost hunter

I only contacted her when there was reason to, and when we do talk, I keep it very business like. She wants to be my friend, but she is the one that gave up on the marriage, and I am too hurt to be friends now. So, I treat her like a coworker. I tell her hi, and how are you, then down to business. Our marriage is ending, so I do not need to kiss her butt, so I don't. Good Luck!


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## Lilly_Louise

by ending your marriage you mean she walked away from you? 
does she or did she want to work things out with you after a while or she just strictly wanted to be friends? sorry just curoius.


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## chameleon

Lilly, I hope more people comment on your post - I have the same questions. My H announced last October that he wanted a divorce. The kids and I moved out Dec 1st. I've been working through the Mort Fertel Marriage Fitness program since Dec 28th and we go up and down like a roller coaster. He responds positively to the efforts I make, then he shuts me out or says he's uncomfortable around me because he knows what I want and he doesn't want it. He'll make love to me, we alternate times of me and the kids staying at his place, him staying at our place, we talk and/or text every day and every time I start to think things are going in the right direction I get some kind of comment like "The more time I spend with you the less time I want to spend with you, I'd rather just be good friends." 

We've been together 19 years, married for 16 and have 2 kids. The MF program says "don't give your spouse space (without being harassing, keep it positive)" - to keep up talk charges, touch charges, acts of love etc.... because they won't do anything good with the "space" you give them. But I can't help but wonder if he would start to miss me and desire me more if I wasn't contacting him.

I am so torn on what to do. I have dug deep in the MF program, I'm working on my own fixings, I'm establishing new habits but I really don't know if I'm just prolonging my own suffering, delaying the inevitable or if there really is the possibility that he could come back to us.


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## whitehawk

chameleon said:


> Lilly, I hope more people comment on your post - I have the same questions. My H announced last October that he wanted a divorce. The kids and I moved out Dec 1st. I've been working through the Mort Fertel Marriage Fitness program since Dec 28th and we go up and down like a roller coaster. He responds positively to the efforts I make, then he shuts me out or says he's uncomfortable around me because he knows what I want and he doesn't want it. He'll make love to me, we alternate times of me and the kids staying at his place, him staying at our place, we talk and/or text every day and every time I start to think things are going in the right direction I get some kind of comment like "The more time I spend with you the less time I want to spend with you, I'd rather just be good friends."
> 
> We've been together 19 years, married for 16 and have 2 kids. The MF program says "don't give your spouse space (without being harassing, keep it positive)" - to keep up talk charges, touch charges, acts of love etc.... because they won't do anything good with the "space" you give them. But I can't help but wonder if he would start to miss me and desire me more if I wasn't contacting him.
> 
> I am so torn on what to do. I have dug deep in the MF program, I'm working on my own fixings, I'm establishing new habits but I really don't know if I'm just prolonging my own suffering, delaying the inevitable or if there really is the possibility that he could come back to us.


Hi Cham and I'm sorry about your situation. I'll go into mine a bit next but
they're not nice things he's said to you though are they.
So what you still sleep together a bit then is that right ?
Is he seeing anybody else ?


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## Lilly_Louise

chameleon said:


> Lilly, I hope more people comment on your post - I have the same questions. My H announced last October that he wanted a divorce. The kids and I moved out Dec 1st. I've been working through the Mort Fertel Marriage Fitness program since Dec 28th and we go up and down like a roller coaster. He responds positively to the efforts I make, then he shuts me out or says he's uncomfortable around me because he knows what I want and he doesn't want it. He'll make love to me, we alternate times of me and the kids staying at his place, him staying at our place, we talk and/or text every day and every time I start to think things are going in the right direction I get some kind of comment like "The more time I spend with you the less time I want to spend with you, I'd rather just be good friends."
> 
> We've been together 19 years, married for 16 and have 2 kids. The MF program says "don't give your spouse space (without being harassing, keep it positive)" - to keep up talk charges, touch charges, acts of love etc.... because they won't do anything good with the "space" you give them. But I can't help but wonder if he would start to miss me and desire me more if I wasn't contacting him.
> 
> I am so torn on what to do. I have dug deep in the MF program, I'm working on my own fixings, I'm establishing new habits but I really don't know if I'm just prolonging my own suffering, delaying the inevitable or if there really is the possibility that he could come back to us.


I get the same thing from my husband! when we do sit down to talk, i always start to cry... i just get to overwelmed knowing that he will leave the house, and then the thought of him ignoring me again.... anyway when we do talk he claims he still loves me, even says he has thoughts of coming back, claims he misses having someone to come home to... we have sex too when i think everything is working out, the my husband does the same thing! he says " i think just too much has happend between us, i liked just being friends" He acts like our 6 years of marriage and our little girl dont matter anymore. its been going on for 8m now, and to tell you the truth im just getting over being played! its not fair on our little girl to have him walk in and out all the time. he is 23 and has discovered that a life of parties and drinking with mates is more fun then us (this is my assumption). It just makes me mad, i miss him everyday! and think of texting him all the time, but when is enough... ENOUGH? its just so hard to let go of someone you care about so much, but in the end sometimes you have to put yourself first and trust that everything will work, no matter where life takes you, know your kids will always appreciate what you did for them, and will always love you!


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## whitehawk

Lilly_Louise said:


> I get the same thing from my husband! when we do sit down to talk, i always start to cry... i just get to overwelmed knowing that he will leave the house, and then the thought of him ignoring me again.... anyway when we do talk he claims he still loves me, even says he has thoughts of coming back, claims he misses having someone to come home to... we have sex too when i think everything is working out, the my husband does the same thing! he says " i think just too much has happend between us, i liked just being friends" He acts like our 6 years of marriage and our little girl dont matter anymore. its been going on for 8m now, and to tell you the truth im just getting over being played! its not fair on our little girl to have him walk in and out all the time. he is 23 and has discovered that a life of parties and drinking with mates is more fun then us (this is my assumption). It just makes me mad, i miss him everyday! and think of texting him all the time, but when is enough... ENOUGH? its just so hard to let go of someone you care about so much, but in the end sometimes you have to put yourself first and trust that everything will work, no matter where life takes you, know your kids will always appreciate what you did for them, and will always love you!



Oh , only 23 . [email protected] So what you got together at 15 or 16 - double [email protected]
Lilly , the problem is , he hasn't lived yet. That'll bite us on the bum every time. It'll probably bite you in 5 or 10 yrs time for sure and you'd be the one walking out.
Just read through here how all the older girls are acting as they walk out . They couldn't give a damn , they just wanna party and screw.

At that age aftyer so long , the trouble is if you get back together it'll only come back to get him later and there'll be resentment and build up.

I'm no expert but I am male and on those ages , personally I think your only hope is to let him go .
It might be a year , might be 5 years but he will have to do this .
Maybe later , he's more ready and wants you guys back . 

Sorry I can't put that a better way.


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## whitehawk

I don't know about the contact thing, together 18yrs for us and sep nearly 6mths now.

It is damn hard seeing her still , especially going over to be with my daught spending time there.
Ex seems to wanna be more chatty and stuff , she also helps out a lot still and even cooks me stuff.

Partly for us to be on ok terms for my daught still but I'm not sure what the rest is about.
I've kept my distance mostly though , it's still too hurtful and being too close doesn't seem to help that one bit.


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## This is me

The contact thing is a balancing act. If the spouse is disgruntled and looking for space you need to give it as best you can. When my Wife left, I did the 180 to strengthen myself and show some independence. It was extremely hard going more than 2 days without talking, but I resolved to let her call me when she was ready. It made her miss me and wonder why I wasn't calling. To her I likely appeared stronger than I was, but that made me more attractive. We have been back together for a year now and things are better than ever. Best wishes!


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## BraveLady

chameleon said:


> He responds positively to the efforts I make, then he shuts me out or says he's uncomfortable around me because he knows what I want and he doesn't want it. He'll make love to me, we alternate times of me and the kids staying at his place, him staying at our place, we talk and/or text every day and every time I start to think things are going in the right direction I get some kind of comment like "The more time I spend with you the less time I want to spend with you.


I can totally relate to you! My H and I have been spending time together, some nights together, then he tells me he's not planning on coming home. I feel we are moving forward in a positive direction, and he says something to kick me back down. Not sure whether to hold on or give up...


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## whitehawk

BraveLady said:


> I can totally relate to you! My H and I have been spending time together, some nights together, then he tells me he's not planning on coming home. I feel we are moving forward in a positive direction, and he says something to kick me back down. Not sure whether to hold on or give up...



Yeah the contradicting actions just make it mind blowing don't they.
My W is seeing om , so I never chase her and there's no sleepovers that's for sure.
But our talks and teas and her actions are similar but yet so far every time to have ended with a no way of some kind.

He might be just making the most of the sexual side - at least you probably know from that he's likely not sleeping with anyone else then !


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## chameleon

whitehawk said:


> Hi Cham and I'm sorry about your situation. I'll go into mine a bit next but
> they're not nice things he's said to you though are they.
> So what you still sleep together a bit then is that right ?
> Is he seeing anybody else ?


No they're not nice things, it hurts a lot hearing stuff like that, yet he never says it in a mean way.

Yes we do still sleep together. He's out of town a lot and when he's in town, often one or two nights is either spent together at his place or my place with the kids.

As for seeing anyone else - honestly, I don't totally know. He's not regularly involved with anyone to my knowledge, but I know that he has dating profiles and I know he has met up with a few women. But to my knowledge, the last time was in December. As part of the MF program I made a commitment to stop asking about it. Frankly, if he is, there's not much I can do about it other than show him through my behaviour that I'm a better catch.


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## chameleon

This is me said:


> The contact thing is a balancing act. If the spouse is disgruntled and looking for space you need to give it as best you can. When my Wife left, I did the 180 to strengthen myself and show some independence. It was extremely hard going more than 2 days without talking, but I resolved to let her call me when she was ready. It made her miss me and wonder why I wasn't calling. To her I likely appeared stronger than I was, but that made me more attractive. We have been back together for a year now and things are better than ever. Best wishes!


It's really nice to hear from someone who has been through it and got back together. I hope for the absolutely best for you guys.

A bit more on my situation... this is our 4th separation  It's hard in these forums to put together a real clear picture of situation without writing a book, but, I have to say that I have figured out a hell of a lot more about our situation and our life in these last few months than I ever did during our previous separations.

I have no idea if we'll be able to pull through this time or not - it's mostly in his hands at this point.

But having been through it a few times now and assessing the patterns that have recurred - one piece of advice that I'd like to share is #1, don't take each other for granted. And personally, I'd highly recommend getting the MF program. It's a terrific program and I can honestly say that if we had gotten our hands on it the last time we reconciled, we wouldn't have ended up back where we are now. It's a program I wish was mandatory for every marriage - it simply makes so much sense.


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## chameleon

This weekend I did something a bit different than I've done before. I'm a person of words - I've written books, articles etc and when I get into "expressing" mode - well, even my 70wpm typing can't keep up with my brain. With my brain in overdrive recalling our life together I decided to write about it and ended up creating an 8000 word short story. I was really pleased with it by the end of it. It was non-judgmental, it covered off our life from my perspective in terms of how I experienced it.... It reflects what my emotions were, why I did or didn't react the way I did to certain parts of our life.... it explains my perception of my H from when I first fell in love with him right up to today.

It was extremely cleansing. In the end I called it Moment of Truth and I emailed it to my H. He has been texting me since I sent it, but there has been no mention of it - so I have no idea if he's read it or not and I'm bit too nervous to ask lol. He'll either love it, hate it or simply not give a sh!t lol But in the body of the email I just said: 

"Hun, I've written a short story that I would like your opinion on.

It's not polished and it's likely missing some pieces and possibly even has a few mistakes in it.

But I could use some help with the ending if at some point you feel up to it."

For me I'm such a straight forward, logical, call it as it is kind of person. I'm an open book. I say what I mean and mean what I say. So it has always been a huge challenge for me to understand why other people have so much trouble being the same way.

I guess we'll see what happens next.


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## Lilly_Louise

whitehawk said:


> Oh , only 23 . [email protected] So what you got together at 15 or 16 - double [email protected]
> Lilly , the problem is , he hasn't lived yet. That'll bite us on the bum every time. It'll probably bite you in 5 or 10 yrs time for sure and you'd be the one walking out.
> Just read through here how all the older girls are acting as they walk out . They couldn't give a damn , they just wanna party and screw.
> 
> At that age aftyer so long , the trouble is if you get back together it'll only come back to get him later and there'll be resentment and build up.
> 
> I'm no expert but I am male and on those ages , personally I think your only hope is to let him go .
> It might be a year , might be 5 years but he will have to do this .
> Maybe later , he's more ready and wants you guys back .
> 
> Sorry I can't put that a better way.


I know what you mean about him being young and wanting to live his life..... throughout our relationship (the last 6 years) he has always in a sence chose his friends over myself. For example he would come home on a friday night around 6:30 say to me then that its his friends birthday and they are heading down to the pub, it's only going to be the boys he would say, followed by can you drop me off and pick me up? Meanwhile i had our new born girl! it would make me fume! plus there were times where he would go away for the weekends with his mates, but as soon as i sugested we go away for the weekend, he would claim the no money card. 

Anyway all that aside, its been 9months since we have lived together, and just the thought of that makes me upset.... i miss him like crazy! but why do i feel like he doesnt miss me? 3 weeks ago i did the full 180 turn on him, didnt message him, call him or his parents.... just left things. (after months of stalking him, calling him, crying to him about how sorry i am, begging him to come back etc.) i get this text from him last sunday arv, i didnt text back though. I got a call from him yesterday saying he has mail for me, i said ok just text me when you can drop it off.... he then asked me why i didnt text back and said he felt like i was ignoring him.... in his voice he sounded like he was begining to care again. i just told him my phone was flat. we spoke about our weekends and that has been it. 

The reason for my 180 turn is that the last time i saw him 3 weeks ago, he told me he is moving on (just with life not another women) i asked him does he ever think of coming back? his answer was sometimes i do. He keeps telling me that he just thinks too much has happend. 

Begor this he would just tell me to give him time, that he didnt want to be in a relationship...... 

whats he thinking? does he miss me and want to come home? 
is he scared of repeating our old habbits?
or is he just wanting to 'party with his friends'? 

Should i continue to play the strong person (even though its killing me!) ?


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