# I just want to be happy.



## turkeysandwich (Nov 28, 2011)

I've been browsing this site for a few weeks debating if I should post or not. Through this browsing, I have seen that posting my life story will be the easiest way for your to get the full picture. So, here are the basic things you should know.

About me...
I will admit that I am abrasive, to be polite. I have strong views and a strong sense of self. I am still a nice person, but I tend to be direct. I don't do a lot of "sugar coating" in our relationship. I am also not a beauty queen, but I am intelligent and driven. I have several medical problems which did encourage us/me to marry into the free health insurance provided by the military.

About him...
Everyone that meets him thinks he is so great. He cooks, sometimes cleans, and seems considerate. He was raised well with strong ethics. He was a driven man with hopes, dreams, and achievable goals. He volunteers and helps out those that need our help. In the last year or so, he has developed some kind of illness. (The doctors are still debating, but it is a real illness.) He's moody, lazy, and sleeps constantly. He is never mean, but he has changed so much. He wanted to go back to school, and now he won't even put in the effort to pass some online classes.

About us... 
We are both living overseas with the military. (The fact that we are overseas makes any separation much more difficult, and much more serious.) He's active duty and I work and go to school full-time. We have been married for 2.5 years. We married young, against the advice of nearly everyone around us. We truly loved each other, but we were also compatible and realistic about our expectations and the future. I am one of those weirdos that believes in true compatibility over true love. 

Since his illness and change in personality, everything is stressful. I find few moments of happiness in our relationship. I know that I could do better, but I don't know that he can. I am trying to honor my vowels, but this is not what I signed up for. I seem like a jerk for saying this about my sick active-duty husband, but I believe that I have a right to be happy also. He still loves me. I know he is afraid of losing me, but he doesn't even respond to my threats anymore. (Threatening isn't the word...ex. "I am truly unhappy. We need to try to make things better or I believe that I would like to go home for a few month.") I am tempted to stay with him until I finish college and get some money saved. I have no family to fall back on. I could do it, but I think that someone else might make him happy. He wants kids, I don't. He deserves happiness, but I cannot live this life.

He says that when I am done with school, he could be a "house husband." While that sounds funny and cute, I am starting to view him as baggage. I had a tumultuous childhood, and I have enough emotional baggage. I don't need a maid or cook, I want a partner. I think it is important to add that I am truly unhappy. I have become increasingly depressed and hopeless. While I continue on with my life, my life has lost it's passion and direction. Something has to change.

I just want to be happy.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Well....as a guy who is currently having his own fair share of problems )) all I can say is really, what you should do at this point is really tell him exactly how you feel - don't hint, as guys don't get that - and make sure you say at the end of whatever point you are making "Or I am leaving" so he really, really gets it. Not for a few months...forever. Also, don't screw him over and stay with him "Until you finish college", or "For the medical benefits". That just reflects badly on you, IMHO. Make sure he really really gets it, and be prepared to book a flight home, forever, if he doesn't. You might find straight and honest (and full) talk will do wonders.

I know if I'd have got one of them earlier, it would have really helped.

Good luck!!

ETA: The illness you are talking about sounds like depression to me. Has he just come back off an operational deployment or something (poss PTSD)? If he won't talk to you about it, encourage him to make use of the support structure in place. But understand at the end of the day, he has to deal with that - its not your fault. But whatever you do, talk to him in really straight, no nonsense terms about how you feel; anything less and he will not get it - guys just don't.


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## turkeysandwich (Nov 28, 2011)

I've give him that talk, but the truth is the military does little to support a spouse leaving. I have no place to go if I leave, and a last minute flight would wipe out any personal savings I do have. He knows I am unhappy and I think he wants to try, but he doesn't follow through. He doesn't have PTSD. It's similar to Fibro. Sometimes I feel like he is taking advantage of the diagnosis. I know he is real pain, but it is used for an excuse for everything in our lives.


I guess it comes down to leaving now or waiting more and hoping something changes.


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