# Lose my marriage or lose myself?



## peaceseeker (Sep 10, 2008)

My husband and I have been together 5 years, married for 2. When we met he was going thru his first divorce and I was his shoulder to cry on, helping take care of his 2 young kids with him full time. I was 21 and he was 32. He was and still is a great person and friend but has a much different perception of what responsibility is. For a long time I lived in his ex's shadow, slept in her bed, took care of the kids and the mess she made of their family. After a while I became resentful of how convenient I was for everyone else. The biggest problem was his lack of understanding why certain things made me unhappy. I was miserable but loved him so said yes when he proposed. Throughout our engagement we fought A LOT and I realized he was never going to put me or us first before himself and what he wanted. I wasn't going to marry him but found out I was pregnant and 6 months later we were wed in the polar opposite of my dream wedding. 
Since then we've moved to the country to start over which has alienated me from EVERYONE and though he is working now, money is a giant issue for us. We argue about everything though no one wins. He gets home late since we live so far away but also has his band practice two nights a week (one of which he stays at friend's house so he doesn't come home at all) and on Wed. goes to see his kids. We have his kids every weekend. It's move, move, move for me then while he plays with the kids or whatever he wants since he's worked so hard during the week while I'm the adult taking care of things that need to be done. My husband is extremely unromantic and unflirty but more a good companion after the kids go to bed. Socially he refuses to spend time with my friends though I'm expected to be there for him and his. I'm 26 and haven't been out in months.
I'm so lonely and unhappy. I love him but want out of here so much- to go where I'm treated and SHOWN appreciation for who I am. I've always wanted more than to feel buried alive. I've never come first here not even once and that can't be right, can it? I used to feel like I was worth something more than to wash clothes and be told that my "tears have no effect on" him b/c I've shed them so much. Yet each time I leave I'm won back by false promises and guilt for breaking up a family. 
There seems to be two families here- he and his two older children and me and my daughter. I don't know how I can get them to hug me or even sit by me on their own after 5 yrs (he says they're just not very affectionate but come on- I've tried so hard with them!) Everything I've ever wanted (besides being with my daughter) is a memory but I want it back. I want ME back!!! I just don't think I'll have that if I stay though I've told him what could help. It all just goes by the wayside though it's little things like spending more time 1 on 1. He also refuses counseling and at this point I'm not interested in pushing anymore. 
I know how lost he would be without me taking care of him, and angry. I've seen him go through it before. How could I do that to the father of my child? How could I NOT do that to save myself? I'm so confused and going INSANE. I'm alone here and lonelier when the rest of the family is here.
Can anyone offer any advice? PLEASE?


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

The first thing I have to say is that you shouldn't be "taking care of him". This is ridiculous and unfair to you. I'm not sure what his issues are, but a wife's sole role is not to take care of her husband...at least not in the way you are "expected" to take care of him. 

You seem like a really good person. Him putting you on guilt trips is just a form of manipulation...not healthly within a marriage. You should be allowed to have the same amount of independence as him and he should definitely be doing his part to help out around the house. Call me a feminist, but I trained my husband from the beginning...he cooks, cleans, and helps around the house. 

My suggestion is that you don't wait for his permission to do what you want to do. Go out and have fun...it doesn't have to be detrimenal to your marriage...it could have quite the opposite effect, in fact. You are a young girl, and should live a happy life. It's difficult when there's children involved, believe me, I know, but don't hold back...it will only increase your feelings of resentment.

Okay, now that I've pretty much taken your side on everything, I do want to encourage you to be completely open with your husband about how you feel right now and what you need to happen in order for your marriage to work. No more excuses or mind games. If he does not make a sincere effort to improve your marriage, that means he has to really listen to what your needs are and take action, then he needs to know you are serious about moving on. Don't get guilted into backing down...that's giving him the control. You are in control of what you do. I'm not saying to leave him...I'm saying to be strong. If you're not...things won't improve and you'll never have the happiness you deserve. 

I hope I haven't come across as jaded...I know I'm only hearing your side of the situation, but I really think you need to take action here. Of course, this is only my opinion. You need to do what works best for you.


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## aznberriesgrl84 (Jan 5, 2009)

hi i totally know what your going through my husband acts the same way like your husband's just being selfish and not thinking about your needs and that sucks he's being like that way but either you can leave his sorry butt or continue being unhappy....I was unhappy with my husband because all he did was WHINE and CRY like he's 15 years old throwing a fit like my 11 month old daughter is more mature then my husband is....all he did was point fingers at me, talked bad about me to my family on hoildays (im already a black sheep) he knew how my family didn't like me anywhere...and he continues talking about how im careless and i dont know how to take care of my daughter, lazy...i could seriously careless about what he wants....cuz im done driving him around cuz he got a dui and cant drive anymore, im sick of the spitting, name calling, im a cheater he can have all the freedom and drugs he wants... point is just let the guy go if he wants to be a self centered unloving husband you seem like your stressed out too i would be too...would you like me to give him some of my piece of mind? lol jk just trying to make you feel better


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## jonnydee (Jan 14, 2009)

Peaceseeker - I'm sorry for your pain. 

What makes you happy? What brings a smile to your face? What makes you forget about time? When was the last time you were so engaged in something that you forgot about everything else? 

Your husband sounds like a a jerk--and so do his kids. Ask yourself--why do you work so hard for the love and affirmation of people who clearly don't want to give it to you?

Take care of yourself. Stop working on and for him; work for yourself. Stash some cash and figure a way out.

jd


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Go out and do the things that make you happy. You can do that whether you decide to stay or leave. Call old friends and reconnect with your old support network. It might mean crashing at a friend's place here and there if you have to travel to meet them, but it would be worth it. YOur social isolation is not helping you in making a clear decision ... your loneliness makes you want to stay because, afterall, sometimes someone is better than no one.

If your marriage makes you feel "buried alive", that's a pretty good reason to leave.


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