# Well it happened...



## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

....I initiated seperate bedrooms. 

I posted my story a bit ago (short version mind you) in my earlier posts and figured I'd post the updates. After all the bs I just simply couldn't be in the same bed with him anymore. His game face is definitely good, still reached out for me every morning (which killed me), wants to be my friend, offers comfort if he sees I'm frustrated etc. Just being around him filled me with anxiety at this point. I continued to have chopped-up sleep or no sleep at all and for what? So I suggested different rooms...he opposed it. I waited a few days and asked the question...what DO you want...heard all about what he doesn't want figured I'd give this a go. Yeah why I think there is nothing he could possibly say more that would still sting I don't know but then he opened his mouth and out it came...and it felt so familiar. That wow-did that-gaping-hole-in-the-middle-of-my-chest-just-get-bigger feeling. He opened his mouth and out it came. "I want to be not married...I don't want the strings that go along with it anymore." 

No argueing...as little sarcasm as I can keep a lid on...and then it was no longer a suggestion. I wanted him out of MY space and like 5 minutes ago was still too long to wait. So the next day he moved his stuff into our son's room, and our son's stuff into the loft which unbelievably he loves because it has all of the video games/board games/stereo/toys in it. Go figure.

It's only been 3 days and it's so lonely. Oh and did I mention how he 'jokingly' asked me to be his FWB?? From wife to sex-tool in record time! Unreal...I declined of corse. 

Last night I suggested we go over what guidelines we are now living by regarding this 'seperation'. I shared with him that I'm not ok with him seeing other women. His part of the conversation went like this..."There are no guidelines. It is not my plan or intent to find someone else but if the opportunity should present itself I'm going to pursue it". Hmmmm yeah refer to the feeling I described in my first paragraph.

I stayed up all night, took a drive in the rain at about 5am and when I returned I got together all of his toiletries that were still in the master bathroom. I agreed to still share that because of the size of the other one and the inconvenience of sharing it with our kids makes it really confined. However, after his last oh-so-tender comment I decided my space is my space. I don't want him walking thru it to ****, shower, shave, masturbate or check his receeding hairline for that matter. He wants to live the single life, so be single. Have fun sharing that bathroom with the other single people in the household.

So here I am, head still all a fog, switching back and forth between grief and anger so often I'm in a constant state of nausea. Any comments/suggestions hell just someone...anyone to talk thru this with or read opinions about it would be greatly apreciated....thanks for letting me vent.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

O my God...Bless your heart. Why don't you just kick him completely out of the house? Ok...so I am a bit jaded right now..maybe not the best one to give advice...but he obviously thinks it's okay to 'cheat' while he is still married to you. Or else wouldn't have had a problem agreeing to your stipulation.

Sounds like he is a selfish creep. I admit that I don't know the whole story...I haven't read your other thread but dang....what I have read it enough to tell me the man is not all together. The words "don't want to be married" are pretty plain and simple.

I can relate to the state of grief to anger you are in...I am there tooo....wish I could just pickup and disappear...don't think my stbx would mind one bit. The whole responsibility thing is his issue....he wants to be single with the benefits and no guilt for leaving his family to fend for themselves.

I wish I could make a comment that would make you feel all bettter...wish I could amke the world a place where daddy's don't leave and where men follow what God intended marriage to be....a lifelong commitment where the husband honours his wife and loves her more than himself. My mother says I see the world as it should be and not as it is.....which is a cruel self serving place in which society lets everything be alright. 

Are you religious.....not to push...but God is the only reason I can actually walk around right now...the only reason I am not on some kind of anti depressant and locked in a padded cell.

Take care.....keep talking....I think you replied to my thread and I will certainly support you in yours.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

OH my! I understand the anxiety. Good for you for kicking him out of your room. I finally got some sleep when I did that....

Not sure if you are a reader, but get a copy of Dr. Dobson's When Love Must be Tough. It would be a perfect read in this situation where they are wanting to escape and live the single life. Your library has a copy probably. It has a great technique in the instances where one spouse wants out!

Even though the focus is on him....TRY to focus on yourself and the kids. Do something different. Go away and visit a friend, if you can. Know that you can't control a darn thing that he does, whether he is with or without you...


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you are doing great- I think it's awesome you made him move out of the master bedroom... good for you!! You need your space to work on yourself right now... you don't need him around all the time. I couldn't get away from my ex fast enough- I stayed in the guest bedrrom until i could move out, but I don't have kids and now I wish I could have kicked him out of the house... i miss the house, but oh well. I read it's called a breakup because it's broken... it's a cute easy read and can bring some humor and bluntness into what you are going through...also you will realize how crazy some people can be and made me feel good to be normal  Be strong... you will get through this... everything happens for a reason and it will be ok...just really tough sometimes, but worth it


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

I don't have too much time atm but I wanted to thank you guys for replying...it really does help....so THANK YOU!!!!!!!!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

"So here I am, head still all a fog, switching back and forth between grief and anger so often I'm in a constant state of nausea. Any comments/suggestions hell just someone...anyone to talk thru this with or read opinions about it would be greatly apreciated...."

Legal paperwork to move him out of the house would fix some of the fog, grief and anger. Getting in the driver's seat usually does.


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

I can't do anything legally anytime soon unfortunately. I'm unemployed mostly due to making the huge mistake in dedicating my entire life to him and our kids..don't know anyone in the state I'm living in and have zero real friends. Doesn't feel like I'm ever going to be in the drivers seat actually....


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

"Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" - Susan Jeffers

Buy it or check it out. It might help you.


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## IfYouSaySo (Jun 24, 2009)

Thought I'd post an update of what has happened since my last post in July...After an overwhelming amount of evidence had been collected on my part and a trillion times asking for the truth my H finally gave it to me. He began an EA with the married ex-co-worker which did turn into a PA that lasted almost a year. This continued 9 months after he left that job and that state mind you. He has recently regained his sences and what I think to be his concious,rediscovered he loves me and wants to do what it's going to take to rebuild our relationship. He has closed all doors for her to contact him and to my knowledge the OW is currently in counseling with her own H. I'm not sure how much progress they'll make being as though she obviously hasnt 'come-clean' to her H...I could care less. In all honesty I hope they do stay together and some woman comes along and does to her exactly what she did to me.

This is the single most hurtful thing I have ever experienced. I've always heard people talk about a frog in their throat or feeling such emotional pain that they can't cry. I now know what both of these are like. When we talk to eachother about it there are times I simply can't swallow hard enough to get words out. When he told me the depth of the affair and how long it was going on for I came straight home and vomitted. No crying, no yelling, nada just ALOT of vomitting.

I want to work through this with my H and at the very least recapture the friendship we had before our marriage. We have 3 children (15,12,10) so the best thing for them, in the big picture, is for us if we do not remain together is to be amicable.

My question to everyone now is this.....Of corse during one of their post-sex chit-chats the topic of fessing up to their spouses was discussed. Both swore they would deny it to the death...as if someone would say...oh no I'm going to run right out and call my spouse or go right home and just tell them everything...! Soooo what are your thoughts on whether or not I/we should make her aware that he did in fact tell me everything?? I of corse want her to know for many reasons but the main one right now is that he was honest with me and in doing that 'betrayed' his word to her. I know childish but I just want her to know soooo badly that he is with me because he now wants to be by choice....

Thanks for reading and for all opinions/advice coming my way


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Definatly make her aware. NO QUESTION. 

This does a couple of things - she knows that you are now his confidant, not hers and secondly it shows her you KNOW and she might back off. 

I wouldn't be combative with her. But YOU tell her, not hubby or do it together would be even better. Just let her know you know all about it, your husband has decided you are the most special thing in his life and he doesn't want to lose you.


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