# Taking the Plunge: Into a Sexless Marriage!



## RandomReward (Mar 23, 2012)

So I am getting married in about 3 months. Do I have cold feet? Yes, but these cold feet aren't because of the upcoming marriage. These cold feet are from the lack of heat in the bedroom. I'm not even married yet and there has already been a HUGE decline in our sex life. I'm extremely frustrated and the subject has been talked about so many times that she isn't even open to discussing it anymore. It has gotten to the point that I'm afraid to try or even ask about sex because the rejection starts this horrible cycle of resentment. 

I don't feel like I am asking for too much and the frustration I feel is because of this. What was once 3 or 4 times a week has now dropped to 3 or 4 times every six months!! I feel like that is completely unacceptable, but I have no control over the situation. The cycle consists of me waiting until about week 6 or 7 until I get fed up and ask about it. She says she is too tired or some other excuse and I get angry. We then get into a fight about it wihch she then uses excuse the next time I ask.

I find that I am just distancing myself and since she is not meeting my sexual needs, I don't have a desire to meet her needs. I should also mention that aside from this, we have a very good relationship. I love her like I've never loved anybody and I want this took work. She just doesn't take this need serious as it's me being a typical "guy". I do things for her and almost everynight before bed I give her a 10 or 15 minutes massage while we watch tv. I've have questioned the whole marriage because of this which I wonder is even a valid reason or me being a baby. 

Advice Please!!


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

this ones super easy...you're not even married and your regretting the idea of even getting married. dude--run like the wind. your only getting sex 4-5x's every 6 months? slide the ring on and see how bad it REALLY gets.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'd agree. Your sex life is likely to get much much worse before it gets better. Do your reading in here in the "sexless marriage" threads, and you might as well draft up your next thread already. Just decide what your cutoff point is. One year without sex? Two years? 5?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Run Random Run. As PBear suggests above...read about all the sexless marriages on here.
CALL THE WEDDING OFF....and tell her exactly why. Don't fall for any promises to change either. If its bad now, just wait till that ring is on her finger!


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## RandomReward (Mar 23, 2012)

I was afraid this would be the response lol. It isn't as easy as cutting loose and running (even though I couldn't totally out run her). We are technically common law and we I own a house (which means she owns half a house). The wedding is paid for and she is really close to all my friends and family. How will things go if we have to tell everyone the wedding has been called off due to lack of vagina?


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## Knoxvillekelly (Mar 17, 2012)

Marriage is for ever. Dont marry this girl. Sex is just the beginning. Soon there will be other things. I dont know what wrong with her but you dont want to find out what the other show is that WILL drop.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Random,
I believe you full grasp what this "means" you simply haven't spent time articulating it enough to be able to describe it properly. First off let's start with the basics:
- She grasps how important this is to you
- she no longer gets pleasure from the act of making you happy (huge red marital flag)
- even worse she is no longer willing to make an effort to avoid causing you distress

Those two things are foundational to a marriage 



QUOTE=RandomReward;642814]I was afraid this would be the response lol. It isn't as easy as cutting loose and running (even though I couldn't totally out run her). We are technically common law and we I own a house (which means she owns half a house). The wedding is paid for and she is really close to all my friends and family. How will things go if we have to tell everyone the wedding has been called off due to lack of vagina?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND MY FRIEND!

You have a huge sexual mismatch going here. I thought that my wife and I were pretty well matched up but after 3 kids and 26 years of marriage my drive is now higher than hers and I don't get sex (rarely) more than 4x a month!

As the amityville House would say "GET OUT!"


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## married&lovingit (Jan 26, 2011)

Lot of advice for you to run, but you sound already committed to marrying this gal...

And you could possibly make it work out, to your satisfaction.

Dude, she no longer desires you. You are not doing anything to incite lust within her.

Yeah, "Man Up!" - stop failing her fitness tests... Become a better you. 

I suggest you start in the Men's Clubhouse 

Best of luck - or Run!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

67flh said:


> this ones super easy...you're not even married and your regretting the idea of even getting married. dude--run like the wind. your only getting sex 4-5x's every 6 months? slide the ring on and see how bad it REALLY gets.


+1 imagine how you're going to feel in 20 years. Face it. She's just not that into you anymore.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Your gut is telling you that this is not right. Believe it. It will be painful to stop the wedding, but not so painful as having a miserable life.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

RandomReward said:


> I was afraid this would be the response lol. It isn't as easy as cutting loose and running (even though I couldn't totally out run her). We are technically common law and we I own a house (which means she owns half a house). The wedding is paid for and she is really close to all my friends and family. How will things go if we have to tell everyone the wedding has been called off due to lack of vagina?


Don't know the group you hang out with but most people know sex is a very important part if marriage. I wouldn't blame you. I'd suggest premarital counseling to open her eyes up to what she's really doing to you. But it seems people with a drivs like thus just go back to their old ways sooner or later. So the real question is can you be happy in a marriage with little to no sex? If the answer is no then please don't marry the girl as you will both be unhappy as a result of it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't do it!

no no no no

Not if you like sex.

no no no


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Do not marry this woman.

The rejection you're feeling now will grow into depression.

Cancel the wedding and make sure she knows why
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Random,
> I believe you full grasp what this "means" you simply haven't spent time articulating it enough to be able to describe it properly. First off let's start with the basics:
> - She grasps how important this is to you
> - she no longer gets pleasure from the act of making you happy (huge red marital flag)
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

How will things go when you're married ten years and have had the same number of sexual encounters.

You have two options../

Dump her and pursue a happy satisfying sex life with a real woman 
Or
Marry her and live a hollow life of frustration and celibacy.

Your call
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomReward (Mar 23, 2012)

I am actually shocked at the one sided responses. I expected a 50/50 response (leave or stay). Out of pure ignorance, I assumed the men would tell me to leave her or cheat and the woman would tell me I'm a selfish pig. In her eyes we have no problems and aside from me feeling sexually neglected we have none. No money problems. No trust issues. All relationships have problems and seeing how almost everyone tells me to run is scary. It shows me why there is such a high divorce rate. Almost everyone that responded told me to leave rather than work on the problem or find a solution. BUT most of you are married and have the experience to back it up. Maybe being optimistic is naive. I do appreciate the advice and it's nice posting on a site that people take seriously.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Option three...tell her you have doubts and need to go to counseling ASAP. If she goes discuss this with a counselor. Is there away you can postpone the wedding and save some of the money? 
Yes people will be disappointed but it's better than going through a sham wedding and then divorcing. Imagine divorcing after you have kids. It's extremely expensive. 
Maybe this will be a wake up call for her. She needs to understand sex is an emotional need that is valid and that she shouldn't push it off like it's nothing. 
There might be other reasons for this. Did she start taking birth control? 
Believe me selling a house and breaking up is WAY easier and less expensive than divorce. If she is the one she will
go to counseling with you and start figuring out why she is like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You have a weird view of women.

Not all women hate sex. My advice came from experience with a sexless relationship, which I left.

Do you like sex? do you want to fight about it all.the.time? Do you want to be celibate? Because you will be.

You aren't a pig. You're human. Most humans like sex. There's no shame in that.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The reason the advice is one sided is because your not married yet. No sex is a symptom of a real problem and you have an opportunity now to not make it a life long problem. If you had been married for a few years the advise would be different.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Oh and trust me if you go to counseling she'll re-write history and you will see her for what she is. You haven't told us how old you are, what you want from the marriage on a sexual front and why she doesn't see the issues. 

Regardless if you do go for counseling you will if things improve and you go through with the wedding always wonder for how long it will continue (regular sex) and why is she doing it. 

I rationalize it that she has orgasms, so I am doing something right, and heck even a bad orgasm is not too bad a thing. 

What will likely happen is sex frequency will increase, then start to wane until you decide to have children and then you will hope that it takes 5-7 months at least. Then kids come and it will dry up.

Be honest and demand counseling immediately and accept nothing less.

If you have an EAP through work call right now.


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## RandomReward (Mar 23, 2012)

that_girl said:


> You have a weird view of women.
> 
> Not all women hate sex. My advice came from experience with a sexless relationship, which I left.
> 
> ...


I don't think woman hate sex. I just thought woman would be critical of me for complaining about not getting sex. I've been in two different long term relationships. My last relationship sex was never an issue. If I wanted sex, we would have sex. If she wanted sex, we would have sex. We were together for 5 years until I finally ended it. I just didn't love her the way I felt she deserved and I deep down knew I would never marry her. I then meet this amazing woman and things are perfect....then the great sex decline of 2011 took place.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

I'm joining the chorus and telling you DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN. Find your courage and take care of this now or you will regret it.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

RandomReward said:


> I am actually shocked at the one sided responses. I expected a 50/50 response (leave or stay). Out of pure ignorance, I assumed the men would tell me to leave her or cheat and the woman would tell me I'm a selfish pig. In her eyes we have no problems and aside from me feeling sexually neglected we have none. No money problems. No trust issues. All relationships have problems and seeing how almost everyone tells me to run is scary. It shows me why there is such a high divorce rate. Almost everyone that responded told me to leave rather than work on the problem or find a solution. BUT most of you are married and have the experience to back it up. Maybe being optimistic is naive. I do appreciate the advice and it's nice posting on a site that people take seriously.


I think you're committed to marrying her regardless of what people say as far as leaving her.

So here is my suggestion. Get into some MC now! If she will not go since she sees there is no real issue then YOU need to go by yourself. Tell a professional upfront what is going on. Hopefully they can guide you in a better direction as far as things to try. 

You need to be honest with her and tell her you are seeking marriage advice from a therapist on what to do if a few months or yrs down the road if things are the same or worse. Also, if things are the same or worse do not bring kids into the situation. If there is lack of sex from her then she is showing you who she is right now, you can either choose to believe her or not. If you marry and things still don't change, you really can't get mad, after all its your choice and you're going into the marriage knowing this. I think a common mistake people make before marriage, is knowing there is a issue but they marry anyway in hopes things change, that rarely happens.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Lots of good advice here. If you love this girl, and want to have any chance at all of making this work, get into couple's therapy/marriage counseling NOW!

If she refuses to go, cut your losses, and move on. Life is too short to be unhappy. She is clearly not interested in meeting your needs even though you seem to meet all of hers. As much of a pain as it is to sell the house, etc., it will be much harder when the marriage is legal, and you have kids.

If she agrees to go, that is a positive sign. You may still go through the process and decide that you shouldn't get married (your therapist may have some important input here). Consider it cheap insurance against a life of unhappiness and frustration.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

RandomReward said:


> I assumed the men would tell me to leave her or cheat and the woman would tell me I'm a selfish pig.


People here take marriage seriously. If anyone told you to cheat as a solution, we would be all over them like stink on sh!t. The women here recognize the importance of sex in a good marriage--it is what makes marriage unique from all other relationships.

The reason that people are shouting at you to run is that we know how difficult it is to turn around a low desire sexual partner. The more years that go by, the worse it gets. Sure, counseling may help, but desire is tricky in that it cannot be forced. Your fiance must want to be sexual with you. It will go to the core of who you are as a man.

Please consider carefully if this woman is indeed the one that you want to spend your life with.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

RandomReward said:


> I don't think woman hate sex. I just thought woman would be critical of me for complaining about not getting sex. I've been in two different long term relationships. My last relationship sex was never an issue. If I wanted sex, we would have sex. If she wanted sex, we would have sex. We were together for 5 years until I finally ended it. I just didn't love her the way I felt she deserved and I deep down knew I would never marry her. I then meet this amazing woman and things are perfect....then the great sex decline of 2011 took place.


For me, sex is a HUGE part of loving someone and marriage/relationships.

You'd get no guff from me unless she was medically unable or just had a baby 2 weeks ago or whatever.

but to want a sexual relationship with your spouse? That's not something to get angry at you about. But it's a HUGE red flag that she doesn't want it now, before marriage. When Hubs and I were dating, I couldn't keep my hands off him, nor he me.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

You have no idea of the drain that low/no sex will put on your marriage. Seed kids into that, and you are going to be a shell of a man in ten years. This is going to cause resentment in her, and less sex, which will cause you to pull back more. Eventually something well have to give. Go to the infidelity forum, and read there for a while- real eye opener on how the cheaters and those who were cheated on felt. Then think to yourself, are you going to be strong enough to walk away when you are many years into the crazy cycle of no sex/resentment/no sex, and some woman who "just clicks" with you makes it obvious she would go for a wild romp with you? 

My advice would be put a hold on the wedding, get counseling for both of you, and see where this is coming from. Maybe a medical checkup for her. Both of you start working out, and see if it gets better. Start a savings for an extra special honeymoon that she can see you adding to, so she knows you are not rejecting her. 

I am now coming out of 10 years of very low sex marriage (still with her) and believe me, it's hell on your self esteem.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> People here take marriage seriously. *If anyone told you to cheat as a solution, we would be all over them like stink on sh!t. * The women here recognize the importance of sex in a good marriage--it is what makes marriage unique from all other relationships.
> 
> The reason that people are shouting at you to run is that we know how difficult it is to turn around a low desire sexual partner. The more years that go by, the worse it gets. Sure, counseling may help, but desire is tricky in that it cannot be forced. Your fiance must want to be sexual with you. It will go to the core of who you are as a man.
> 
> Please consider carefully if this woman is indeed the one that you want to spend your life with.


I think he should sit her down and discuss this option.

"I love you and want to marry you. You are everything to me, but I am unhappy with our sex life. So when we get married, if this is the level/quality of sex you want, please understand I will be taking a # of AP's and lovers, maybe an occasional rub 'n tugs. However this is not a "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" as you have told me there is nothing wrong with me and that it is just that you don't want sex as much as me. I look very forward to our wedding & marriage."


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> I think he should sit her down and discuss this option.
> 
> "I love you and want to marry you. You are everything to me, but I am unhappy with our sex life. So when we get married, if this is the level/quality of sex you want, please understand I will be taking a # of AP's and lovers, maybe an occasional rub 'n tugs. However this is not a "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" as you have told me there is nothing wrong with me and that it is just that you don't want sex as much as me. I look very forward to our wedding & marriage."


This sort of utimatum would not work at all with me. I would be insulted that my fiance would even bring up the possibility of cheating. Everyone is different, but I would not want a husband who would consider cheating as a solution to my lack of interest in sex. I guess you were being sarcastic, but my point is that this approach can alienate your partner.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> This sort of utimatum would not work at all with me. I would be insulted that my fiance would even bring up the possibility of cheating. Everyone is different, but I would not want a husband who would consider cheating as a solution to my lack of interest in sex. I guess you were being sarcastic, but my point is that this approach can alienate your partner.


Geez...... I guess highlighting the words in your post and the  wasn't enough to convince you I was having fun?????


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Jamison said:


> If there is lack of sex from her then she is showing you who she is right now, you can either choose to believe her or not. If you marry and things still don't change, you really can't get mad, after all its your choice and you're going into the marriage knowing this. I think a common mistake people make before marriage, is knowing there is a issue but they marry anyway in hopes things change, that rarely happens.


THIS. 

Mismatched sex drives, or one partner losing interest in sex with you, does not get better after marriage. If this is a problem for you now, multiply it by 5, 10, 20, 30 years. How much are you going to hate your life if your sex life stays the same or gets worse?

If your partner were already disrespecting you in a significant way before marriage, or if you already had any other significant issue between you before marriage, you wouldn't marry your partner. Why would you marry when you already know she doesn't really want to have much sex with you? 

If you're going to sign up for a lifetime with someone, you have to know what you're signing up for, and you have to want the relationship you have as it is. If you don't, there is no purpose to marrying.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I'm so sorry this is so hard for you. I know being in love and expecting to get married and be happy together is a dream, but you have to face facts. 

The other posters are right. Take your time. There is no rush to marry. It is way too hard and painful to get out of, especially after kids come along. Listen to your gut on this one.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Have had taken pre marriage counselling?
There's a list of recommended books you could start reading together too. 

Your post doesn't scream at me to 'run'... but I do think you \ she could learn some relationship skills.


Check out a post by SimplyAmourous

Ultimate links Thread...COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Joy


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Dude

Don't feel guilty or apologetic about your sexual needs. You will not feel that way several angry years down the road. 

I guess the wedding train can seem scary and like you can't possibly bring it to a halt but after marriage and a few more years together everything just gets tougher.

You don't need to tell anyone else anything except you are not compatible. You can tell her the truth. And on some level she obviously doesn't find you attractive, so its sad and awful and maybe no one's fault but you will both be happier ending the relationship.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Lionelhutz said:


> Dude
> 
> Don't feel guilty or apologetic about your sexual needs. You will not feel that way several angry years down the road.
> 
> ...


If I knew this guy personally.. and his fiance, I would agree.
But who's to say they aren't compatible?
How come the sex cooled off? What changed?
What if it's his\her behavior, and what if they just have different love languages, and aren't meshing that together? 
What if there are some issues in the past that are coming to light? What if the stress of the wedding is just too much?
Who knows. I just think if there is an obligation to have the wedding... there should be an obligation to go to counselling BEFORE the wedding. And I think most couples should anyways. IMO


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

RandomReward said:


> How will things go if we have to tell everyone the wedding has been called off due to lack of vagina?


Let's see here. A couple of days of pain versus a lifetime of misery? Add a few kids, a few years, stir.

GRAB YOUR BEST PAIR OF RUNNING SHOES AND PULL A FOREST GUMP!!!!!!!!!


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## Carol/BC (Mar 23, 2012)

You're describing my husbands second marriage - love, yes, sex, not much. He thought he could stuff it and be a good husband; and he did. But the cost was high - he climbed the corporate ladder instead and became humorless and dark. Happily, I found him. He's goofy and fun now and ever so appreciative. 

Ya gotta have your sexuality.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Oh about people finding out why its called off. If you do call it off, you
don't owe anyone an explanation. But should you choose to, say you aren't compatible, you have different needs, you have intimacy problems. If she goes around telling everyone you called it off because she won't have sex and she truly feels like you're wrong a lot of people are going to think she's nuts. But in any break up its a she said/he said situation. Most people know this and know there are multiple sides and reasons for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

deejov said:


> If I knew this guy personally.. and his fiance, I would agree.
> But who's to say they aren't compatible?
> How come the sex cooled off? What changed?
> What if it's his\her behavior, and what if they just have different love languages, and aren't meshing that together?
> ...


I disagree because it seems so incredibly hard for couples with a lot more invested in the relationship to sort out these problems let alone a couple starting out. 

Also while there are some successes, I also personally don't believe the large majority of these situations improve over time no matter what the higher drive spouse does. It may not be her fault, but there is no reason to think it will get better and every reason to think it will get worse.

Wedding stress is not an excuse because there are lots and lots of stresses down the road.

It seems obvious to me that a lot of people currently getting married, shouldn't. And many people should never marry. These situations don't come with neon signs but there are some basic indicators and I think a lack of sex life is one of them.


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

My advice would be don't do it! I am you 6 years on and I can assure you it will just get worse. We had a house together before we married and I can remember thinking at the time I couldn't split up with him, it would be too messy, everybody expected us to get married. Looking back now it was only a house which we could have sold easily enough. You don't have to tell everybody the specifics.

If you are unhappy now it's not going to get any better. Can you imagine what will happen when you have children? I have gone years without sex with my husband and it has destroyed me. I walk around everyday and I can't tell you how if has affecte dme. I feel so lonely, worthless and ugly and I know if I could turn back time and do it all again differently I would. If I didn't have children I would have left him by now. Seriously, think about what you are doing, I know it will cause a lot of upset but in the long run it is for the best. Good luck

XX


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## RandomReward (Mar 23, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Oh about people finding out why its called off. If you do call it off, you
> don't owe anyone an explanation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, there is one more piece of info that complicates things in the explanation to friends and family IF I decided I shouldn't go through with it. We are going to Jamaica for the wedding. We have 47 confirmed and PAID guests. Some of these people have had to sacrifice a lot to attend. Each person has paid in full the $1400 to go. If I said "oh ya, the weddings off. Sorry for the tough times saving. Sorry you couldn't get the kids what they wanted for Christmas. Sorry you got into that big fight with the boss to get the time off." I would lose more than my fiancee.


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## RandomReward (Mar 23, 2012)

FormerNiceGuy said:


> Let's see here. A couple of days of pain versus a lifetime of misery? Add a few kids, a few years, stir.
> 
> GRAB YOUR BEST PAIR OF RUNNING SHOES AND PULL A FOREST GUMP!!!!!!!!!


A few kids would require having sex a few times...I don't see us having a few kids lol. When the times comes that she does want kids I am going to make sure I do whatever I can to not get her pregnant. I will wear tighty whities, have nothing but hot baths, stop wearing a jock during sports and drive over every bump in the road. "Not pregnant hunny? I guess we have to have sex again!!". On a serious note, after reading these posts I am having a hard time seeing light at the end of the tunnel.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Go down there, party with everyone, but don't get married. 

If you want to keep throwing up excuses to get married, go ahead. Nobody can stop you from going through with it. But you came here looking for advice, and I think almost every person has said the same thing; don't do it, it's just going to get worse.

So why did you ask for advice? what were you hoping to hear?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomReward (Mar 23, 2012)

PBear said:


> Go down there, party with everyone, but don't get married.
> 
> If you want to keep throwing up excuses to get married, go ahead. Nobody can stop you from going through with it. But you came here looking for advice, and I think almost every person has said the same thing; don't do it, it's just going to get worse.
> 
> ...


I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just putting all of the consequences of my decision out there. I asked for advice because a large part of me started to believe it was me or something I could change. What I was hoping for was at least one story/ person that could relate to my situation with a result other than ending a serious long term relationship. Like I said, I appreciate everyones advice and wish she could read these responses lol.


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## Carol/BC (Mar 23, 2012)

"...Like I said, I appreciate everyones advice and wish she could read these responses lol."

What if you showed her this whole thread?


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

RandomReward said:


> I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just putting all of the consequences of my decision out there. I asked for advice because a large part of me started to believe it was me or something I could change. What I was hoping for was at least one story/ person that could relate to my situation with a result other than ending a serious long term relationship. Like I said, I appreciate everyones advice and wish she could read these responses lol.


Here are posts by Jeff74 *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/search.php?searchid=2365754*..... He'll tell you it's all okay.... Mind you you may want to throw up after reading his posts.....


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

RandomReward said:


> A few kids would require having sex a few times...I don't see us having a few kids lol. When the times comes that she does want kids I am going to make sure I do whatever I can to not get her pregnant. I will wear tighty whities, have nothing but hot baths, stop wearing a jock during sports and drive over every bump in the road. "Not pregnant hunny? I guess we have to have sex again!!". On a serious note, after reading these posts I am having a hard time seeing light at the end of the tunnel.


You are playing with fire. I would bet that even with the rare sex in the recent few months, the sense of occasion and obligation will result in some sex on your honeymoon. You may even think things have really turned around and this is what it will be like in the future.

A pregnancy will make everything so much worse and as they told you in health class, it can only take one time. You won't be the first to have a bad marriage drawn out and made more complicated by the arrival of a baby.


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Dude if you do not get married, perhaps all the sexless people on this board can buy your friends tickets. We could all party knowing we saved somebody from years of hell. And after a few years it is hell. Trust me I know. At least or insane marriages would not be in vain if we can save one person from having the same fate.

Seriously, get help now if you are going to get married anyway. Get a prenup that says sex must be x amount of times or something or she gets zip in a divorce. Make a big deal out of this, because this is a big deal. Look up the term pity sex. It is humiliating.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Random,
Your guests will go to a beautiful place and collectively have wonderful "mini-vacations". If they are TRUE friends they will understand, appreciate and SUPPORT you when they get this message: 
"I truly am deeply sorry for asking you to come and then not following thru on the wedding. I hope you will accept that I came to the belated realization that for a marriage to be happy, love for your your spouse while necessary is not sufficient. To be happy they have to love you back. If you truly want/need more color from me on what happened, I will give it to you". 





RandomReward said:


> I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just putting all of the consequences of my decision out there. I asked for advice because a large part of me started to believe it was me or something I could change. What I was hoping for was at least one story/ person that could relate to my situation with a result other than ending a serious long term relationship. Like I said, I appreciate everyones advice and wish she could read these responses lol.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

PBear said:


> Go down there, party with everyone, but don't get married.
> 
> :iagree: It's the party that everyone enjoys anyway, not the wedding (unless you're a sentimental fool like me).


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

youve made mistakes, and you are making another mistake becuase of the mistakes you already made

Mistake: Buying house with someone you are not married to. Mistake: Planning a wedding in Jamaica. So becuase of these mistakes you feel a need to go through with a huge mistake in signing up for 40 years of lack of fulfillment and misery.

You really will regret not solving this problem and making sure that she undertands that your marriage MUST be a sexual partnership. The way you START to make her understand this is to state that you cannot go through with the wedding until this is solved.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am thinking maybe this is a troll.

I mean, he's worried about NOT having sex, but then talks about how "no sex" wouldn't be so bad. 

Odd.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I am thinking maybe this is a troll.
> 
> I mean, he's worried about NOT having sex, but then talks about how "no sex" wouldn't be so bad.
> 
> Odd.


No troll. Just confused. Many wives/gf's are very good at convincing their SO's that they are the one's obsessed and acting like horny teenagers when it comes to sex. 

He asked a serious question and is surprised that the women too are cautioning him. 

As I pointed out above and have shook my head violently in disbelief we have one poster Jeff74 who is quite content having been made a eunuch by his wife when it comes to sex.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would caution ANYONE about a sexless life. If it's sucking right now before marriage, it will be GONE by the time they say "i do".

Sad.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

This is pretty simple.. you will be miserable the rest of your life as this will affect the rest of your relationship. If you are ok with feeling miserable, rejected, worthless, and unloved then go ahead. Oh and you will also become the best masturbation technician in the world.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry (to the OP). But all you have to do is wander through the "sexless marriage" threads and see how many managed to turn things around. And most of those marriages were ones that didn't start sexless, but became that way over the years, after kids, etc.

I would also caution against any optimism about changes that occur after any talk you have about your concerns of your sexlife and getting married. I may be cynical, but I'd bet a significant chunk of money that any improvements that happen won't carry past the warranty period of any of the wedding presents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Or have these serious discussions, counseling done, a pre-nup signed, go through with the marriage and then listen to the grumblings from your families and friends when you get an annulment or divorce within a year or two.

Sorry there is no way everyone will be happy, unless miracle of miracles your SO has an epiphany......


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

RandomReward said:


> I find that I am just distancing myself and since she is not meeting my sexual needs, I don't have a desire to meet her needs. *I should also mention that aside from this, we have a very good relationship*. I love her like I've never loved anybody and I want this took work. She just doesn't take this need serious as it's me being a typical "guy". I do things for her and almost everynight before bed I give her a 10 or 15 minutes massage while we watch tv. I've have questioned the whole marriage because of this which I wonder is even a valid reason or me being a baby.
> 
> Advice Please!!


What I have I have highlighted is fanciful thinking. 

You do not have a good relationship or marriage unless both partners are WILLING to try and meet the other's needs/desires.

It seems at this point that neither one of you are at the point where you can do that or have that commitment. I'm sure you've heard the old adage "Marry in haste, repent at leisure." 

You shouldn't marry simply for appearance sake or because it seems more convenient. A wedding in the grand scheme of things is not really a big deal - it is easy to cancel. A marriage, however, IS a big deal - it is a lifetime commitment.


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## RandomReward (Mar 23, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I am thinking maybe this is a troll.
> 
> I mean, he's worried about NOT having sex, but then talks about how "no sex" wouldn't be so bad.
> 
> Odd.


Who is a troll? Are you referring to me? I am worried about entering a marriage that will continue to be sexless, but I don't recall saying "no sex" wouldn't be so bad. I legitimately wanted to find a way to fix the sexless problem. I was shocked that 100% of the people on here are telling me to end it and run for the hills because there is no chance it will get better. I have been with her for 4 years and we have a 10 year friendship. I am commited to her and leaving doesn't feel right. I don't see how that makes me a "troll" (if you are talking about me that is)


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

RandomReward said:


> I don't think woman hate sex. I just thought woman would be critical of me for complaining about not getting sex. I've been in two different long term relationships. My last relationship sex was never an issue. If I wanted sex, we would have sex. If she wanted sex, we would have sex. We were together for 5 years until I finally ended it. I just didn't love her the way I felt she deserved and I deep down knew I would never marry her. I then meet this amazing woman and things are perfect....then the great sex decline of 2011 took place.


 Random, have you read any of the threads from women complaining about not getting sex...myself included. Anyone who's been here any length of time knows the foot the shoe is on has an equal chance of being male or female. I hope we don't condemn anyone's story based on their gender. Lord know's I've complained about the lack of sex in my marriage often enough in the past year and a half and am now finding out it is possibly a medical problem. Maybe you can start by ruling out anything medical and from there some counseling?


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

RandomReward said:


> Who is a troll? Are you referring to me? I am worried about entering a marriage that will continue to be sexless, but I don't recall saying "no sex" wouldn't be so bad. I legitimately wanted to find a way to fix the sexless problem. I was shocked that 100% of the people on here are telling me to end it and run for the hills because there is no chance it will get better. I have been with her for 4 years and we have a 10 year friendship. I am commited to her and leaving doesn't feel right. I don't see how that makes me a "troll" (if you are talking about me that is)


LMAO 4 years of being in a relationship. I have spent 16 years in just trying to fix the sexless part in my marriage. Have been together 20 years and I am in my late 30's. Unlike you sex was great before I got married. Started to go south shortly after marriage. To a partner that is not interested it is next to impossible for them to see it as a real problem. They just get angry if you bring it up and bug them. Just recently things have changed for the better for me. But it is not the same. Even though I am now getting action that I should have gotten all along, I am constantly wondering if it is going suddenly stop again. We could have the best sex ever and I will think was that the grand finale? We will have sex again? 

It took me many years to fix my sexless marriage. Even then I am not sure if this is something that is truly fixed. Many times it is an act when you shake things up enough to scare your LD partner.

I have one kid. I can say that I continue do everything to make my marriage work, I was so much in love with my wife. Would I have married my wife if I knew what it was going to be like? NO! 

Fixing a sexless marriage does not happen often. When it does get fixed it often takes years to do it. Even after that it often does not feel the same.

Somebody that just says no all the time is just selfish and needs to grow up sexualy. Anybody that is committed in a marriage knows the importance of sex. That is why you are not getting those comments that you where expecting to get from women.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You are hoping for some magic bullet to fix this, but it doesn't exist. Have you sat her down and told her how you feel? Can she give you a reason why she doesn't want a good sexual connection?

There are a few women on this board who stepped up their sexual game when they realized how important it was to their marriage. The problem is that she may fake interest for awhile, and then go back to her indifferent ways.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Random,
I am going to share one last thought with you and then depart your thread. If you proceed and get married, you will want to revisit this "thought" periodically to assess whether it is true or not true. 

There is a big evolutionary "wiring" difference between men and women. You can read any of hundreds of books, articles, etc. about how much weight women place on male "provider" skills. By itself that is not a bad thing. Not a shallow thing. It is simply one way that men and women differ greatly. 

And yet, most of the really bad, sad, screwed up stories I read on this board all tie back to the following theme:
The man loves his W, what she is, who she is and what she does. 

His W however, loves what he DOES for her, but doesn't love HIM. And that difference is massive. Because when you only love what you "get" as opposed to the person themself, you do not treat them well or fairly over time. You just don't. 




RandomReward said:


> Who is a troll? Are you referring to me? I am worried about entering a marriage that will continue to be sexless, but I don't recall saying "no sex" wouldn't be so bad. I legitimately wanted to find a way to fix the sexless problem. I was shocked that 100% of the people on here are telling me to end it and run for the hills because there is no chance it will get better. I have been with her for 4 years and we have a 10 year friendship. I am commited to her and leaving doesn't feel right. I don't see how that makes me a "troll" (if you are talking about me that is)


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## RandomReward (Mar 23, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> You are hoping for some magic bullet to fix this, but it doesn't exist. Have you sat her down and told her how you feel? Can she give you a reason why she doesn't want a good sexual connection?
> 
> There are a few women on this board who stepped up their sexual game when they realized how important it was to their marriage. The problem is that she may fake interest for awhile, and then go back to her indifferent ways.


I have had many conversations and she was at the point where she would shut it down and tell me it wasn't up dicussion. With all the feedback from this thread, I had enough confidence to try and have a heart to heart last night. She agreed that I have a case and that she is aware that she isn't meeting my needs. She also agreed that my needs aren't too much to ask for and I have the right to be upset about it. This was a huge weight off my shoulders because at least she admitted my frustration is justified. She did tell me she doesn't have desire to have sex with me because I have been a "****" lately and if she has sex with me it is rewarding me for my behaviour. I don't think sex should be treated like a present from Santa Claus. If I'm good I get sex, but if I'm bad I get a big clump of coal to masterbate with.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I totally agree. Sex is not a prize for being a good boy. Keep talking with her about this. If she does not change her attitude, you will not have a happy marriage. She has to realize that sex is the way that you both stay connected and show love for each other.


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## Carol/BC (Mar 23, 2012)

Yay! You're talking! Do more!


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

If you were already married, I would be telling you to be brutally honest with yourself and decided whether it is true that you have been an A__hole and or "man up". 

But since you are not married, I am going to still say RUN, RUN FAST

She does see sex as a mode of control, and no matter what she has little burning need for it on her own. This means that you can be a good boy for a while and earn sex, but then there will be another reason that she will justify her lack of interest on some other issue.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

But... You do need to look at your behavior. Have you been an ass? Because she does have a point, if that's the case.

But good job opening up the communication!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Good that you talked, but really how long have you been this "supposed ass" that sex in your estimation has dried up? Women (and yes I am sexist) always can pull that excuse out, along with countless others.

I said earlier that if you have an EAP through work, access it immediately and get to the bottom of this.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What have you been doing to be a jerk?
Two weeks before I got married the first time we got into a huge stupid cruel fight. I posted on a forum about it and someone told me it was a red flag and not to marry him. I was so offended. He just got worse after we got married. 8 years later and we filed for divorce. 
People who have been there are trying to save you from the pain they experienced. 
In rare cases people do come around and work it out. I hope that's true for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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