# My Wife of 9 years has become very friendly with a younger male..



## mike123gallagher (Mar 28, 2008)

My 36 y/o wife of 9 years, mother of our two kids, has become very friendly with a 24 y/o male. They email, phone, and hang out a bit. 

The strange thing is it kind of turns me on... I make little jokes like calling him her "young lover". She laughs them off saying "he is a friend, be quiet.. you are nuts".

The other night she was with him at a bar, she called slurring her speach saying she drank too much and could I pick her up. I suggested she just stay over Gregg's (the friend).. she was dumbfounded and didn't know what to do.. I said I have the kids in bed, why bother calling a baby sitter, just stay at Gregg's..

The whole thing turned me on, but later that night I paniced thinking "what am I doing?"... she came home the next morning early and hung-over.. she wouldn't talk about the night...

She simply said "you insisted I stay with Gregg, so I did.. I am not talking about it now."

I am very confused with myself - on one hand her with a yuonger man turns me on... I think it's strange that it does... as reality, which it may have become the other night, makes me sick.. and she won't say if she fooled around with him sexually.. it's driving me nuts! 

I can't stand it, half of the time when I imagine her having sex with him I get excited and love the feeling.. the other half I get upset and jealous.

Am I NUTS???


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Mike,

You're not nuts. Although I haven't seen it talked about on these forums much (Talk About Marriage is rather new), there are a lot of people out there who get turned on by the thought of their partner with another person. Some get involved in "open marriages" where this type of behavior is agreed upon or acceptable to them (i.e. "swinging"). That's where my knowledge on the subject ends. I have no idea how successful these types of situations are for couples.

It sounds like you got yourself in over your head though, and you may not have really been ready for what you let happen, regardless of whether or not anything "happened" sexually between your wife and the other person.

Your wife is probably very confused about your behavior (giving her permission to sleep at the young man's house). She could take it in a lot of different ways, especially if you guys hadn't explored those ideas in depth before this happened. She could think you did it out of anger, or as a test to see if you could trust her, or who knows what else she might wonder?

Have you had a good time to sit down and talk to her about it?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Be careful what you wish for. On other forums I have seen abd talked to couples that got into a third partner or swinging just to find there partner left for the other partner etc.

What ever is done is done and has been done by your hand alone.

draconis


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## Immortalone (Mar 5, 2008)

You realy need to think about your wife. How did this make her feel. I can only imagen the thoughts going through her head right now. Does he love me, is he trying to leave me, does he have some one on the side and dosnt' want to feel guilty and so on. Never a good idea to push this on some one without talking to them first. At this point she probably thinks you do not care about her or want to stay together. I think you did alot of damage here for your own pleasure.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Oh geez... COMMUNICATE!!! Tell her what you're feeling. Tell her what you're thinking and how it made you feel!!! Draconis... yeah, a lot of swinger relationships end with the one partner leaving for the third, but a LOT MORE are successful and they are so because the couple communicates BEFORE initiation of another party, and then they follow the rules they set for themselves. That's the problem here... there were no lines drawn, there was no communication about the situation. Now there is frustration, doubt and question. 

Mike, talk to her, tell her how it makes you feel, tell her you wouldn't mind watching him be with her, but maybe only if you're present, or only if she gives you every detail, whatever works for you two. If you have a strong relationship with her, it might just work out if the boy toy realizes and respects his place. In time it will pass, and in the meantime, you'll have a great time!! 

You are most certainly not nuts. We had a female friend for my husband for a while, and I LOVED watching him with her. That was six years ago, we're still together and happy (and missing a toy friend). My husband and I talked about EVERYTHING possible. We laid extensive ground rules and didn't break them. It never caused any problems, only pleasure. It can work, you just have to work at it. Keep us posted... this one is interesting. =)


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## mike123gallagher (Mar 28, 2008)

I probably should have mentioned that we have fantasized about my wife with other men over the years... she knows it's a kink of mine, but has never taken it serioulsy. It's not like my feelings were totally out of the blue.

Well, I had a long talk with my wife last night... and YES she did have sex with Gregg that night... multiple times in multiple positions. She was pretty well drunk, but remembers everything.

You guys were right, she was mad at me for forcing her over his apartment. She said she remembers thinking to herself "He doesn't want me to come home.. he is pushig me to spend the night with Gregg.. then fine.. I will show him!"

The next morning she was disgusted with herself and me. She admits the night was a blast, but she felt like a complete loser afterwards; like she lost her indenty or something. She didn't tell me right away because she contemplated trying to ignore the whole thing.

I told her how much I love her, and how I made a mistake acting the way I did, but that I was happy she had fun that night and that she shouldn't be ashamed, blah, blah.. we wound up having great sex... during which she went over some of the details of the night, I have to say I was surprised how wild she got with him.

After the sex I was upset and felt like I would throw up... it is so strange.. I am either completely sick to my stomach about it, or extremely turned on.

What to do next is the question? 

FYI - I am smart enough not to let on that I am sick about it half the time.. I don't want to upset her now that she is some what comfortable with what happened and is reassured of my very deep love for her.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Now I think you need to come to terms with yourself. Make up your mind which way you want to go with it and reassure yourself about it all. Take some time, ponder the situation, then make a decision. You obviously can't keep going both ways here, so pick a route and don't look back. 

I'm so glad you talked about it. That's the best thing for you. Now you need to talk about it with yourself and set your own ground rules, then set some for the both of you. Congratulations on taking the first step. =) keep us posted


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## juls (Apr 1, 2008)

Hmmm this is a tough one for me. See had you said that to me yeah I wuld have thought WTF...But I would have caught a cab came home an said excuse me, WTF are you trying to do?...

Weather it turns you on or not, what you did could have very well been the end of your marriage...

BUT...She should never have did the whole "well I'll show you BS" either...She should have caught a cab came home an slept her drunk off..


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## mike123gallagher (Mar 28, 2008)

We have been talking a lot and things seem to be good. She was looking for an excuse to have sex with him, and I was trying to find away to enable it... looks like we got what we both wanted, however, of course it's not that easy... I am taking the advice from here and "communicating"!!!


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

glad you are working it out, Chalk it up to a fantasy that has been completed, even with it's ill effects. 

I imagine they are no longer friends.

Keep talking and working on the relationship.


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## sillky717 (Apr 2, 2008)

maybe that is jus a part of your fantasy and as we all know some things should stay jus that a fantasy now that you know that there is a good possiblity that something might have happend reality has set in and maybe thats whats makin you feel so torn


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I must admit I have had the same fantasy, but always wanted to watch my wife.

But as the previous poster said, a fantasy is better left that way.

My wife is a Georgous woman and get's hit on all the time. I am sure if she wanted to she could easily have an affair.

I always told her if she was interested in doing it, just let me know instead of hiding it.

While she never even gone out drinking with any male friends, she ahs been offered by guys at clubs we have been to together, she always declined.

But I imagine she would feel the same way about herself. She see's it as a moment of weakness.

Keep talking it over and go on with your marriage and work through it.

Kudo's for you not flipping out on her, but I can certainly inderstand the sick feeling, Fantasy's are fantastic, but reality vcan be harsh.


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## odchoi (Feb 26, 2008)

Yes, that is true. Desires could be desires but think twice before it becomes a reality. Are you ready to accept it or not? Don't push your wife to do the things you will be happy and she disgusted maybe as I read from your story. Sorry.


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## mike123gallagher (Mar 28, 2008)

Now that we are communicating and going over the details I feel much better... the sick feeling is almost completely gone. I think the sick feeling was not knowing how my wife felt, if I hurt her, if we wrecked the marriage, etc...

It's almost like are love is stronger for each other now.. and our sex life is great the last few days.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I was talking to my wife today, we exercise together so during small talk I brought this up to her, because we have discussed this as well.

But I told her how your wife felt afterwards and I truly never saw it that way until I read your thread.

My wife agreed that she would have the same emotions afterwards as your wife is currently having if she did the same act.

So is it getting better are you both more comfortable with what happened? Does your wife still talk to the 24 yr old? Have you met him since? talked to him?

I wish you all the best


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## mike123gallagher (Mar 28, 2008)

My wife wound up calling the 24 y/o, Gregg, a few days after it happened. Once we talked and we were both comfortable she figured she would be the mature one (makes sense since she is 12 years older.. ha ha) and call him.

She pretty much said to him.. "it was no big deal, don't make more of it than it is ... my husband knows about it and is perfectly fine with it..." she then said something along the lines of "if you have any respect for me at all you will please keep it to yourself."

He was baffled and a little freaked that I know about it and don't want to kill him. She left off saying to him "in adult relationships if people are discreet, respectful, and open minded there is a lot of fun to be had... relationships are not always black and white."

Next step is to figure out how to get him to let me watch or join in.


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## samantha (Jan 31, 2007)

Hmmmm... pass the popcorn

Glad it's working out for you guys!


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## qq49h (Mar 16, 2008)

I think you have a bunch of people looking forward to seeing how this turns out. Good Luck


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

WOW....this could get really interesting, Samantha pass some of that popcorn over here. 

Best of luck gallagher!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I might be into some fairly kinky stuff but I could never let another man have my wife in the biblical sense nor watch, join. I wouldn't be able to do it myself either, however if you and the wife are both into this then all the power to you. There are also swingers clubs all over the US to. One note always think safe sex first.

draconis


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## mike123gallagher (Mar 28, 2008)

I' sitting back with the POPCORN too . 

I am not sure what will happend next. She said she will try to talk to him about me watching them the next time they are together... I don't know when that will be. And YES I gave her the "greenlight" to do wahtever she wishes with him at their next meeting. We'll have to wait and see when that is.

SAFE sex is extremely important to us.. it's on both of our minds.. thanks for mentioning that.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Yea I am with Drac, have to think Safety first. This is a tough lifestyle, you both have to be very trusting, the only thing I am wary about is they Know each other and have a relationship. that could be a problem.

As drac said there are swinger clubs and resorts all over the country, I know where we live there are several in the city, it takes a special bread for those places.

I would imagine you need to set some ground rules here.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Personally I am not here to judge anyone and since everyone is different to each their own. Like the aove post Those two already being in a relationship per se may bring trouble down the road. Then again it might just be the best thing ever.


I wish you the best of luck.

draconis


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Russ, I will have to agree with the being careful what you wish for... I've learned that from experience one too many times (not necessarily in this kind of terms, moreso like the Jeff Foxworthy line about wishing to see naked women and he walks in on his naked grandma), and it still scars me. 

Secondly, I'm going to have to disagree with your last line about being in the same room is one thing and not being in the room is cheating. Cheating is defined by Merriam Webster as deceit, fraud, trickery, or outwitting. Mike is well aware of the happenings and his wife is being honest with him and they have an open line of communication about it. So he's not being deceived, frauded, tricked, or outwitted. 

Details, I know.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

any update here?


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## mike123gallagher (Mar 28, 2008)

She thought a lot about calling it all off with him... she had her fun and figure it was enough... but then she was drinking the other day and a sson as she got buzzed she got horny and gave him call... tehy had drunken sex saturday night... very exciting.. i think she will be bored withit all soon tough.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

where were you while she was drinking? and whom was she with that she just gave a call and off she went with this guy?

interesting


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## mike123gallagher (Mar 28, 2008)

we were at a friends that afternoon with the kids.. everyone was having a few drinks... my wife got buzzed and decided to give gregg a call... he said she should meet him later... she asked me if after we went home and got the kids to bed if i minded if she went out and met him. i stayed home.

do you need more detail?


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## True Blue (Feb 29, 2008)

The issue of safety has been brought up a few times but we all know that condoms don't always provide complete protection and do break occasionally. Does your wife know how many partners does this guy may have? Has she asked him to get tested?


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Yes Mike, Please send the video over. :rofl:


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## mike123gallagher (Mar 28, 2008)

Believe me, I wish there was a video... from what my wife says it amazingly hot!!!


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## sweetp101 (Mar 13, 2008)

Im glad everything is working out for the two of you. But be careful of what you wish for........


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## mike123gallagher (Mar 28, 2008)

So it's saturday night.. and yes... my wife got F'd again.... 
drunk of her ass... just stumbled in... she keeps saying she has had enough, but she keeps going back... at least she came in a lot earlier tonight, but still very drunk, and very much smelling like a woman that had been with a man!

Go karen Go! Her new name is "Horny Karen".. that's what her boytoy is calling her!

Mike


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

told ya


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## Russell (Apr 10, 2008)

Update?

Looks like he got what he wished for? Maybe all of it....


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## theone112 (Jun 11, 2008)

just put trust with her! that's the only solution you can make. best of luck!

:smthumbup:


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## fenderbender (Aug 9, 2008)

I admire your honestly, but I don't see this as a healthy situation. It seems that your wife has to get drunk in order to go through with the extra-martial relationship. I would see this as a clear indicator that see does not feel right about this. It would appear that she had to be in a situation where see was actively drinking to even entertain the idea of having an affair with another man. I could be totally wrong, but I believe you need to build trust with your wife and find out what the real problem may be. It would appear that your wife still has feelings for you. Sex in marriage is intimate bond between to people. It is a sign of vunerability and total trust in another person. Extra martial sex is the total breakdown of this trust. I know some swingers would argue with this. This is my viewpoint which you may find helpful in the deccisions which you will have to make.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

fenderbender said:


> I admire your honestly, but I don't see this as a healthy situation. It seems that your wife has to get drunk in order to go through with the extra-martial relationship. I would see this as a clear indicator that see does not feel right about this. It would appear that she had to be in a situation where see was actively drinking to even entertain the idea of having an affair with another man. I could be totally wrong, but I believe you need to build trust with your wife and find out what the real problem may be. It would appear that your wife still has feelings for you. Sex in marriage is intimate bond between to people. It is a sign of vunerability and total trust in another person. Extra martial sex is the total breakdown of this trust. I know some swingers would argue with this. This is my viewpoint which you may find helpful in the deccisions which you will have to make.


Since he hasn't been on since april I would say that this thread is dead.

draconis


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I have been in your situation except it did not turn me on at all. I am 39, and my 41 year old husband had an affair with an 18 year old girl. It started out with her having a crush, I never in a million years would have expected him to act on it but he did. I invited this girl places with my family, I let her babysit my children. You have to put a stop to this, tell her that her relationship with this guy cannot continue. What has happened to me has destroyed my family and many people were hurt in the process. I may or may not be able to ever trust him again and either way I think we have to sell the home we love and move (this girl lives 3 doors away with her parents). Her friendship with him could easily turn to more if it has not. Stop it in its tracks now before its too late. As for it being a turn on....I don't know I can only guess. Perhaps its because a younger man finds your wife attractive. You don't need anyone to validate that. In terms of the two of you being intimate, why don't you change things up a bit and do something she would not expect, generate the excitement between the two of you. She does need to talk to you about what happened, and it is still her responsibility even if you told her to sleep over.


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