# My wife lied about her past, what should I do?



## RR1024

Hi,
I am going through a very delicate problem which is causing anxiety,depresion problems to me. My wife lied about her past sexual partners. we've been together 16 years, 13 years married. when we've met I've told her that due to my religious belief, I would not marry any girls that is not virgin, so she was crying and told me that she wasn't a virgin because she was rape in the past. In order for me to believe her and feel better about the situation back then, we went to church and there she swear to god and her family that she was telling the truth. after 16 years and two kids (9 years and 6 years old), she told me that she lied about her past and that she has been suffering for all these years thinking how to tell me the truth, but was afraid because she love me very much and did not want to loose me. so now what am i suppose to do? I am extremely hurt by her actions and lie. I feel that i should been told the truth back then when i asked her and not wait this long to put me in a dead end situation with no space to scape. I am destroyed, can't sleep, have mix feelings about her. Our kids are the reason why i haven't run away from her. she is a very nice person, has respected me all these years. good mother, everybody in my family likes her. I NEED PROFESIONAL HELP TO DEAL WITH THIS SITUATION. I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A MISTAKE. I CAN'T THINK RIGHT, I CAN'T CONCENTRATE AT WORK. I AM EXTREMELY DESTROYED. NEED HELP!


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## southern wife

RR1024 said:


> Hi,
> My wife lied about her *past*...
> 
> we've been together 16 years, 13 years married. after 16 years and two kids (9 years and 6 years old), she told me that she lied about her *past* and that she has been suffering for all these years thinking how to tell me the truth, but was afraid because she love me very much and did not want to loose me. so now what am i suppose to do?
> 
> I am destroyed, can't sleep, have mix feelings about her. Our kids are the reason why i haven't run away from her. *she is a very nice person, has respected me all these years. good mother, everybody in my family likes her.* I NEED PROFESIONAL HELP TO DEAL WITH THIS SITUATION. I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A MISTAKE. I CAN'T THINK RIGHT, I CAN'T CONCENTRATE AT WORK. I AM EXTREMELY DESTROYED. NEED HELP!


WOW!! I'm sorry, but all of this about the *past*? After 16 years you want to just run away from your wife, but won't because of the kids? 

Sounds to me like you don't even love your wife. Do you? Would you have loved her even if she told you she was not a virgin when you met - and been totally upfront with you?

It also sounds to me like she has been very good to you, loves you, and has been a great mother to the kids. What more can a man ask for? :scratchhead:


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## RR1024

Understand, I do love her, but have mix feelings. sometimes I am in love, sometimes I hate her for lying to me. we have two beautifull kids and would not want to hurt them, they will suffer the most by this. But i am destroyed, hurt, going crazy. I told her, she should have keft that secret untold forever. I was very happy. now I am destroyed and feel betrayed, wasted all my time with her. I should have been given the option to decide whether to accept her the way she was back when we've met. 
she told me the reason she lied was because she was deeply in loved with me and did not want to loose for her past mistakes, that she cannot live with the idea that i am not around her. She told me that she would accept any decision i take, but she will always love me forever, but would take the punisheshments for lying to me. she is also destroyed. i can see in her eyes. she knee on me asking for forgiveness, but i can't. i am so hurt inside that i can't. only our kids are keeping me from runnign away. PLEASE HELP, I NEED PROFESSIONAL ADVISE.


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## Conrad

If you are as religious as you claim, I have a couple of assignments for you.

1) Read about forgiveness

2) Grow up

You have a woman who loves you and wants to be your partner through life.

Be grateful. Consider yourself lucky. If you don't think you are, read a bit more on this board.

Quit making this about you. It's the most selfish thing imaginable.


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## southern wife

Conrad said:


> If you are as religious as you claim, I have a couple of assignments for you.
> 
> 1) Read about forgiveness
> 
> 2) Grow up
> 
> You have a woman who loves you and wants to be your partner through life.
> 
> Be grateful. Consider yourself lucky. If you don't think you are, read a bit more on this board.
> 
> Quit making this about you. It's the most selfish thing imaginable.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

And apparently, you DID accept her the way she was when you met her. Her past is her past. Not yours, and you had nothing to do with it. By not being a virgin, does not mean she is damaged in any way. It just means she lived her life and experienced life in a different way than you did!

*So, were YOU a virgin when you met her?*


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## RR1024

Conrad, I am aware of all of you points. why i am feeling so hurt. i cannot imaging my wife has slept with others guys. she told me that she was young and naive, all happened on her teenagers years 15-19 years. I understand her family background are not the best. her mother never care about her, lost her father when she was 3 years old. have brothers/sisters that are stranger to her. so basically she said she group up alone with no advise or role model to look for. she says, i am her life, everything, that i gave her all she wanted in life and family. she is very hurt for seeing me going into depression. i am also scare that she would commit something stupid.


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## Conrad

RR1024 said:


> Conrad, I am aware of all of you points. why i am feeling so hurt. i cannot imaging my wife has slept with others guys. she told me that she was young and naive, all happened on her teenagers years 15-19 years. I understand her family background are not the best. her mother never care about her, lost her father when she was 3 years old. have brothers/sisters that are stranger to her. so basically she said she group up alone with no advise or role model to look for. she says, i am her life, everything, that i gave her all she wanted in life and family. she is very hurt for seeing me going into depression. i am also scare that she would commit something stupid.


Are you capable of seeing you already have everything you need to be happy?

Just let it go.

It's about as unimportant as anything can be.

My wife has had many more partners than I ever will.

Does that mean she wins? Does that mean anything about me at all?

No, it's simply part of her experience. She also came from a broken past with abuse and idiot parents.

The thing she and I should be focusing on is being nice to each other and building a life!

That's what you should focus on as well.

Nothing about your current situation has changed. She unburdened herself to feel less guilty.

What would the Savior do in this circumstance?

Aren't you commanded to follow His path?

(I can tell you. He would forgive your wife and tell her to go forth and sin no more. You know this too.)

Get about doing it.


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## Tall Average Guy

RR1024 said:


> Understand, I do love her, but have mix feelings. sometimes I am in love, sometimes I hate her for lying to me. we have two beautifull kids and would not want to hurt them, they will suffer the most by this. But i am destroyed, hurt, going crazy. I told her, she should have keft that secret untold forever. I was very happy. now I am destroyed and feel betrayed, wasted all my time with her. I should have been given the option to decide whether to accept her the way she was back when we've met.
> she told me the reason she lied was because she was deeply in loved with me and did not want to loose for her past mistakes, that she cannot live with the idea that i am not around her. She told me that she would accept any decision i take, but she will always love me forever, but would take the punisheshments for lying to me. she is also destroyed. i can see in her eyes. she knee on me asking for forgiveness, but i can't. i am so hurt inside that i can't. only our kids are keeping me from runnign away. PLEASE HELP, I NEED PROFESSIONAL ADVISE.


You are absolutely correct, she lied to you. It was very hurtful. You have every right to chose the criteria for the woman you want to be your wife. You were honest and she was not. It is a hard thing to deal with, because now you question the other things she said to you.

So now, the question is what do you want to do about it? What result do you want? Telling you to grow up and let the past be the past does not help when these types of emotions are involved, so work to get where you need to go. Some questions to consider:

Do you believe her story that she loved you and did not want to lose her?
Do you believe that she loves you?
Has she done other things wrong in the relationship? Were you able to forgive her?
Have you done things wrong in the relationship? Was she able to forgive you?
Your posts suggest a Christian outlook. If correct, what does your religion teach about forgiveness and marriage?
What things could she do to help re-establish your trust in her? What things has she offered to do?
Why did she choose now to reveal this to you?

No matter what, there is no magic pill or solution. It will take some time to deal with this. Perhaps it is wishful thinking, but I think you want to resolve this so that you can stay with your wife. That is commendable, but it will take some work. If that is the case, tell her that you want to stay, but are hurt and betrayed and need to work through this. I would suggest counseling for the two of you to work on this.


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## Acorn

RR, I can understand you feel pretty betrayed in a retro-active sort of way. Your wife lied to you. That can be a tough one to take.

Yes, she made a mistake.

Don't compound the mistake by making it more than it is.

Like Conrad said, if you go through life and this is the worst thing your spouse does to you, most people here would be extremely jealous and think you a fool for doing something crazy because of this.

Forgive her and remember she's with you now and has been for many many years... by your side, with you.

You don't need professional help, you need to forgive her, forget this and get on with what sounds like a very happy life.


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## RR1024

Conrad, you are absolutely correct on all of your points. however how can i overcome my feelings, depression and believe in her again? i understand, that I am not perfect, only god is perfect. but I am in deep pain that is killing me. Had i know this before we had our kids, i would have walked away from her life.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Considering that the sex started when she was well under the age of consent, it's highly probable that she's confused about what really happened to her during those years. Rape is not always some kind of forcible, physically violent event. It can be one person taking advantage of another's vulnerability for sexual control and personal gratification. It can then be prolonged with blackmail or various forms of bondage, such as always exposing the victim to possibility of pregnancy, loss of job or social status, exposure, physical threatening, control of money, etc.

Since your wife probably didn't get any therapy for what happened to her during these years, she is now blaming herself for how she sees her past behavior from an adult perspective. 

And she is an evil person now becasuse she decided to marry someone who would not subject her to some kind of bondage due to her vulnerability...she feels loved enough by you to tell you her secrets and problems, that she never could tell anyone else before, and what do you do? You show her that your love is contingent upon a sexual premise! She will now feel as though she's living in some kind of nightmare, from which she can never escape. Half her life now she has lived in a blessed marital state, and you will now change her history. Because why? I don't get it. You have a chance to be a hero, but given the opportunity, you will become someone like those from her past. :-( There is no hope then for a woman like me, who made many mistakes due to vulnerabilities and blind spots.


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## Tall Average Guy

Acorn said:


> You don't need professional help, *you need to forgive her,* forget this and get on with what sounds like a very happy life.


I really disagree with this. She did not just lie to her about beign a virgin. She made up a story about being raped and swore that it was true.

To me, the issue is not about being a virgin (that is up to the poster to decide for himself if that is important) it is about the dishonesty. She lied to him and now he is not sure what to believe. He is questioning her love for him and everything she has ever said. That is normal. 

I hope he can forgive her, though it will not be something he likely every forgets. I do think he needs to work through this with her to try and save their marriage and regain his trust in her.


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## RR1024

Do you believe her story that she loved you and did not want to lose her?
yes, I do believe herDo you believe that she loves you?
yes, I doHas she done other things wrong in the relationship? Were you able to forgive her?
no, she has respected me.Have you done things wrong in the relationship? Was she able to forgive you?
yes, like i say i am not perfect. i had an affair in the past and she forgave me for the love she has for me.Your posts suggest a Christian outlook. If correct, what does your religion teach about forgiveness and marriage?
i believe in forgiveness.What things could she do to help re-establish your trust in her? What things has she offered to do?
reach our to marriage counseling offer by the church.
Why did she choose now to reveal this to you?
because i questioned her, tormented her for two months to tell me the truth, thus she says she wanted to feel free and take it out of her chest.


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## southern wife

> =southern wife;567019
> *So, were YOU a virgin when you met her?*


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## spudster

Hey RR, can I ask a practical question?

How the heck did you not notice she was not a virgin the first time you had sex with her?

My wife was virgin when we married. How do I know? Blood... on me and on the sheets. 

You must have been the most ignorant guy in the world to have not known this.

Your wife has spent the last 13 years proving her worth to you. Quit being an idiot, be a man and let it go.


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## TBT

Most every church I'm aware of believes in the forgiveness of sins.Do you follow the tenets of your faith?If so,you should be practicing what they preach.You're in the here and now with a wife who loves you and is remorseful.She was young and pressured and made a bad choice.Like the Bible says-"let the first one amongst you without sin cast the first stone"By denying her forgiveness you deny your own right to forgiveness,and you never know you might need it someday.


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## RR1024

no, i was not a virgin. i had partners before her. but i am man. it looks better on a man than a woman.


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## southern wife

RR1024 said:


> Has she done other things wrong in the relationship? Were you able to forgive her?
> no, she has respected me.
> 
> Have you done things wrong in the relationship? Was she able to forgive you?
> yes, like i say i am not perfect. *i had an affair* in the past and she forgave me for the love she has for me.Your posts suggest a Christian outlook. If correct, what does your religion teach about forgiveness and marriage?
> i believe in forgiveness.


OMG! The plot thickens! You cheated on your wife, she forgave you, and now THIS after 16 years? As a Christian man, you know that CHEATING/having an affair is a sin! You know that lying is a sin and the wrong thing to do. Your wife, for whatever reason, was so desperate to have you and keep you, that she told you a lie about her past. YOU cheated on her. What's the worse of these 2 evils? :scratchhead:


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## ScaredandUnsure

RR1024 said:


> no, i was not a virgin. i had partners before her. but i am man. it looks better on a man than a woman.


Uh, not particularly. So you had other partners and you had an affair, but her lying about being a virgin is a problem. Wow, what a hypocrite. Did she find out on her own about your affair or did you come clean with her about it?


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## southern wife

RR1024 said:


> no, i was not a virgin. i had partners before her. but i am man. it looks better on a man than a woman.


No it does not! It looks the SAME either way you look at it. So you can live life and experience life before marriage, but you wife cannot? DOUBLE STANDARD!!! 

You need to get over yourself. You're no more a Christian man, than Satan's wife!!!!


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## Tall Average Guy

RR1024 said:


> no, i was not a virgin. i had partners before her. but i am man. it looks better on a man than a woman.


I have seen some pretty dumb things posted here, but this? Wow.

You had an affair, but can't get beyond her lying about not being a virgin? You do need professional help. If she forgave you, I can't understand why you can't do the same for her.


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## southern wife

Tall Average Guy said:


> I have seen some pretty dumb things posted here, but this? Wow.
> 
> You had an affair, but can't get beyond her lying about not being a virgin? You do need professional help. If she forgave you, I can't understand why you can't do the same for her.


Maybe he's looking for an EXCUSE to walk away from her, and end the marriage? Pretty f'n lame if you ask me!!


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## ScaredandUnsure

southern wife said:


> Maybe he's looking for an EXCUSE to walk away from her, and end the marriage? Pretty f'n lame if you ask me!!


Maybe his wife would be better off?


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## Mavash.

spudster said:


> My wife was virgin when we married. How do I know? Blood... on me and on the sheets.


Not all women bleed the first time they have sex. Sports, wearing tampons, etc. can cause the hymen to break before sex. Even doctors can't tell if someone is a virgin or not.


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## Mavash.

southern wife said:


> Maybe he's looking for an EXCUSE to walk away from her, and end the marriage? Pretty f'n lame if you ask me!!


Deserves to be quoted. YES!!! This is it exactly. He berated her for MONTHS until she cracked about the truth.

He's looking for a reason to leave her. It's so obvious.


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## RR1024

All, please understand my feelings and depression. I am deeply hurt. she had 3 sexual partners in the past according to her, i think is more, but i am not asking that question. I cannot stand to know my wife was such a B. in the past. I can't get it over my head. i can't get it out my chest. I do not see her the same way. i felt that i was sleeping with the devil for 13 years.

understand i made wrong things and was forgiven for my acts which i am not proud of and feel ashame.


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## ScaredandUnsure

RR1024 said:


> All, please understand my feelings and depression. I am deeply hurt. she had 3 sexual partners in the past according to her, i think is more, but i am not asking that question. I cannot stand to know my wife was such a B. in the past. I can't get it over my head. i can't get it out my chest. I do not see her the same way. i felt that i was sleeping with the devil for 13 years.
> 
> understand i made wrong things and was forgiven for my acts which i am not proud of and feel ashame.


What is such a B? I can imagine your affair hurt her worse than the past hurts you. Just leave her, so she can move on and find a real man who isn't a hypocrite.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

You've got to let it go! 

My husband never asked me prior, nor I to him. What matters is we remain faithful to each other and that's what we do. It's time to move on and forgive your wife period!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife

RR1024 said:


> she had 3 sexual partners in the past according to her, i think is more, but i am not asking that question.


May GOD have mercy on you!!!!! 

When you meet someone, it's not about keeping score of who has the most or least sexual partners before, IT'S ABOUT IF YOU LIKE/LOVE THAT PERSON AND ACCEPT THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE!!! Apparently you went over that hurdle SIXTEEN years ago. 

Yep, just end your marriage, the coward that you are, and leave with your tail tucked between your legs. Your wife does not need more tormenting from you!!! She does not deserve that.....the GREAT wife and mother she has been to YOU all these years!!!!!! 

And guess what? The next woman you meet, will have had WELL more than 3 partners in HER past!!! GET OVER IT!


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## Therealbrighteyes

Yawn. This story has been re-hashed 3 times in the past 6 months all under different names. Nearly identical stories. If this is in fact something new and not just to inflame, OP there are 3 other "men" in your situation and their stories are identical to yours. Perhaps they can help you out.


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## RR1024

All, I just rec'd a text from my wife. 

i know she is hurt seeing me in this depression, i know she is dying because the least person she would want to hurt is me.

I also love her, she has been good, there for me. she has shown me her love is for real, but i can't stress enough the pain inside of me that is killing me alive.

quote
we have hurt each other, however my love for you is stronger than eve. why not forgive and fight for the love that we have for each other, continue our lives happy and never look back at the past. let's give a family to our kids which they derserve very much. please forgive me, I love you to death and cannot live without you. you are my everything, my reason for live. i love you.

unquote


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## TBT

Just because your wife had sexual partners before you does not make her a B.you self-righteous ass.Her biggest mistake was marrying someone who has never viewed her as equal.You make allowances for yourself for being a cheater during your marriage,but she's bad for something that happened before!?!Get over yourself!If anything,she should be on here trying to figure out what she ever saw in you.


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## RR1024

I came clean to her.


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## Mavash.

I hope she sees what a jerk you are and leaves you FIRST.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Mavash. said:


> I hope she sees what a jerk you are and leaves you FIRST.


Wow, after reading more into this, I agree with Mavash. I feel terribly sorry for your wife. You have ZERO respect for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife

RR1024 said:


> All, I just rec'd a text from my wife.
> 
> 
> quote
> we have hurt each other, however my love for you is stronger than eve. why not forgive and fight for the love that we have for each other, continue our lives happy and never look back at the past. let's give a family to our kids which they derserve very much. please forgive me, I love you to death and cannot live without you. you are my everything, my reason for live. i love you.
> 
> unquote


And what was your resonse back to her? Hopefully, something just as loving towards her!


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## RR1024

although i do still love her and our kids. is the reason why i haven't run away. if no kids were present. I couls have leave her and move on with my life. every mistake i made i have always come clean to her, i have been honest all my life to keep peace with myself.


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## RR1024

sourthen wife: I did not response yet. my heart is empty and hurt. don't have words for her right now.


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## Tall Average Guy

RR1024 said:


> although i do still love her and our kids. is the reason why i haven't run away. if no kids were present. I couls have leave her and move on with my life. every mistake i made i have always come clean to her, i have been honest all my life to keep peace with myself.


You mean like she did?


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## southern wife

RR1024 said:


> sourthen wife: I did not response yet. my heart is empty and hurt. don't have words for her right now.


I think "I LOVE YOU, TOO" would be a great start!


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## ScaredandUnsure

RR1024 said:


> although i do still love her and our kids. is the reason why i haven't run away. if no kids were present. I couls have leave her and move on with my life. every mistake i made i have always come clean to her, i have been honest all my life to keep peace with myself.


You should let her read your posts. Then she could walk away knowing how her wonderful husband could throw her away so easily because she isn't as perfect and wonderful as he is.


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## RR1024

sourthern wife: i can't say that. my heart is hurt and fill of anger. i am scare of the situation and don't want to make a mistake. 

I sincerely thanks everyones opinion and advise, but if you all were my shoes today. perhaps you would not say the same. I am truly appreciate it of all the comments.


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## southern wife

And who in GOD'S name are YOU to judge her like this anyway?


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## RR1024

i am no god to judge her. I am hurt and feel discusted by her past actions.


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## RR1024

i am listening and as stated, I am greatly appreciate it for all of your comments. but that does not mean, my pain will go away so easy. it will take time and I know down the road god will guide me in the right path. I am hoping to be staying with my wife and kids and save our family which we have fought very hard. I am young guy, i am 34 years old, my wife is 36. we met each other when I was 20 and she was 21, we been since then together.


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## TBT

RR1024 said:


> although i do still love her and our kids. is the reason why i haven't run away. if no kids were present. I couls have leave her and move on with my life. every mistake i made i have always come clean to her, i have been honest all my life to keep peace with myself.


Whatever makes you feel better in your self-righteousness.


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## mikeydread1982

I get what he is saying. The foundation of the relationship was built upon a lie. Why are people so dense? If the man had done it, you would have told her to leave and say oh he's lying about life itself. It's natural to feel betrayed by that kind of information. Especially when she knew his stance on it from the onset. She is not a good person, as she manipulated you to get you to fall for her. Don't listen to these holier than thou folks here, about forgiveness and all that. Leave that for the higher powers, we are humans with feelings, if we were truly meant to forgive, then we would not experience hurt.


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## Speed

This $hit again?


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## rrrbbbttt

Go forth and know that:
1. You are a POS you cheated on your wife, she forgave you yet you hold her accountable because she did not tell you about her total sexual past when both of you had a sexual past.
2. Did you come clean to her right after you had sex with the other woman or did you wait. If you waited you lied to her. Why did you not call her up and tell her right after you finished the act otherwise you lied to her per your reasoning.

Your wife has been faithful to you all during her engagement and marriage, has been a good wife. if you have read any of these threads you know how lucky you are.

Unfortunately your wife has not been as lucky, you broke your wedding and marital vows to her. Never told her right away, so by your account you lied, you did not come clean to her right away.

I am thinking you are a TROLL!


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## Therealbrighteyes

Speed said:


> This $hit again?


Exactly. Guys, don't waste your time. This is version 4.0 with the exact same story, minus the cheating.


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## RR1024

rrrbbtt, I have been living for 16 years with the idea that she was raped. reason why i married her was because I i loved her, also becuase i felt she derserve to live and was raped by an *******. then i found out all of was a lie, this is what's killing me. I was blind. why would she do this to me. maybe i would have forgive her then. why now? i should have been given a chance to know her real self when we met, specially i came clean to her and was very honest with her. No lies from my part. she made me believe all these crap about the rape when it was a lie and to top it off, added additioanal sex partners. this is why i am angry. i derserve to have known the the truth about her.


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## DTO

To the OP:

You are correct - you need professional help. You sound very narcissistic and need more than we can provide here.

You are punishing your wife for sexual activity that happened before your marriage and (from what she said) was abusive - as was said earlier she need be physically forced into sex for this to be rape. The key here is that you sound content in your marriage (other than the not being a virgin, you have not made any complaints that I saw about the way she treats you or the children).

And, at the same time, you were not a virgin (but claim that it does not reflect as badly on you as on her) and also had an affair during the marriage. And, you forced the truth out of her it seems.

Seriously, feeling set upon and persecuted, and honestly thinking that you are superior / other people can be held to a higher standard than you are bad signs for you. Go get some help.


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## Halien

Please don't try to make people think that this is a religious issue. If anything, when it concerns religion, it shows that some people just don't get it.

This is an RR1024 issue. Be honest about why it really bothers you. If you are religious, then you will acknowledge that you made a covenant with her and God when you said your marriage vows. You sinned against her with another woman in the marriage covenant that you made in the presence of God. You even said that she forgave you when you broke your covenant, yet you cannot forgive her ommissions. So, why not talk about what you really fear here? I'm guessing that it is an obsessive fear about your own inadequacies. Try to look at it as a challenge to impress her with the way you use it, maybe. Given your hypocrisy, we're not buying the religious argument here.


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## rrrbbbttt

TROLL or Not:

WHEN YOU WERE MARRIED YOU HAD AN AFFAIR!!! That in my book makes you a POS. 

What about your vows what about your family were you not thinking of them when you hopped in the sack with someone who wasn't your wife.

This was before your wife told you about her sexual past.

You have problems from prior to your marriage about what your wife did. I guarantee you your wife has problems with what you did to her and the family when you were married.


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## NextTimeAround

RR1024 said:


> rrrbbtt, I have been living for 16 years with the idea that she was raped. reason why i married her was because I i loved her, also becuase i felt she derserve to live and was raped by an *******. then i found out all of was a lie, this is what's killing me. I was blind. why would she do this to me. maybe i would have forgive her then. why now? i should have been given a chance to know her real self when we met, specially i came clean to her and was very honest with her. No lies from my part. she made me believe all these crap about the rape when it was a lie and to top it off, added additioanal sex partners. this is why i am angry. i derserve to have known the the truth about her.


This is important here. Thankfully, his wife didn't lie about being raped AND then accused someone in particular. Personally, I don't like it when women lie about being raped as it is a particularly sensitive issue. It's a horrific crime to those who did experience it and it is equally horrific for those who are falsely accused.

The issue of rape just should not be bandied about like some joke.

Sadly, your wife made the mistake of trying to be someone that she wasn't to try to keep you and it caught up with her. A good lesson for all of us to remember.

So that women won't ever feel the need to make up lies like this, they should remember that any guy in this day and age who values virginity is just a piece of **** who likely go screwing around anyway because he constantly needs new *****.


----------



## RR1024

thank you all for your valueable comments. I will look for professional help to deal with the situation. I will do my best to love my wife dearly as she has shown me pure love all of these years. For our kids, they will be the ones who suffer the most if we get divorce and this is something that I will not forgive myself. life has taught me something, god has sent another test in my life to deal and do the right thing as he would do. it is not easy I must say, but life is beautiful and we must move on with the loves one. Past is the past. I will look forward for the future to give my family what they derserve. Love and care.

thank you all again.

this was a great chat.

regards,


----------



## spudster

> Not all women bleed the first time they have sex. Sports, wearing tampons, etc. can cause the hymen to break before sex. Even doctors can't tell if someone is a virgin or not.


Yes, but I think they are exceptions the rule.

I deflowered a girlfriend in H.S. and a couple years later my first wife. Blood both times.


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## Thor

RR1024 said:


> i am no god to judge her. I am hurt and feel discusted by her past actions.


RR, you probably aren't going to get a lot of sympathy on this forum for your position.

You are entitled to your beliefs and values. Most people here will have very different beliefs related to virginity and marriage. But I think you are entitled to your belief system.

Having said that, do you have a clear understanding of what it is that is bothering you? Is it her actions in the past or is it her dishonesty with you? Is it both of those? Do you feel that she is in violation of a religious mandate, and is the problem that she is n some way not a good follower of the religion?

If she has been a good wife and is currently a good companion to you, is that a significant positive factor?

Do you fear that her dishonesty in the past may mean she will be dishonest in the future with important things?

If you were to divorce her, and then if you were to meet a woman with a similar sexual past as her, how would you feel about it? The chance of you finding a virgin in her 30's is zero. So how would you deal with another woman in the same situation as your wife is today with you?


----------



## Spock

RR1024, how are you doing? I was thinking about your predicament during lunch today and wanted to offer some psychological insight to help you deal with your situation. What you are experiencing is conflict. Not a conflict between head and heart, but a conflict between two sets of thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Set A encompasses your principles, your beliefs and the betrayal you feel that your wife violated them. Set B encompasses your love for your wife and children and your belief in forgiveness.

You are constantly being pulled in opposite directions by these sets. The conflict will get resolved once one side wins. Until it does you will remain in this horrible limbo that you feel trapped in. The pain you are experiencing comes from your mind working extra hard to figure out how to choose from between two sets of extremely unsavory options. I don’t know which of these two sets of thoughts/feelings/beliefs will eventually win but I just wanted to remind you to take care of yourself in the mean time. Eventually your mind will resolve this dissonance but in the meanwhile, don’t forget to eat and sleep - and spend as little time alone as possible! Try to spend time with your family, close friends and parents if they are alive. 

Personally, I think you will eventually come down in favor of working on your marriage. You don’t seem the type of person who runs away or gives up on things.

Hope you feel better soon.


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## NextTimeAround

****If you were to divorce her, and then if you were to meet a woman with a similar sexual past as her, how would you feel about it? The chance of you finding a virgin in her 30's is zero. So how would you deal with another woman in the same situation as your wife is today with you?****

Yes, but, if she had not lied about being raped, he could have either accepted that she was not a virgin or go look further for a suitable virgin to marry --- and at a time when he might have had better chances of finding a suitable virgin.

Could this be the source of his anger?


----------



## Thor

I am trying to get him to dig into why exactly he has such strong feelings right now. If he were to leave her, he would likely be dating or marrying a woman with a similar past as his wife now has in terms of not being a virgin. I thought this question might prompt him to reflect on exactly what his issue is.

I completely understand the honest/trust issue. It is huge for me, and if it is his problem it is not something to ignore. My situation is one where had she been forthcoming at first, the marriage might not have happened. Certainly my entire adult life would have been different had she fully informed me and truthfully answered questions before the wedding.


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## Cogo123

I wish that was all I had to deal with in my marriage.
You have a loving wife and two beautiful children. You have built your marriage all these years and you both love each other. Keep what you have together and lose the poor me attitude.
There are much worse situations that happen in a marriage and people work through them.
Maybe to her your expectations were unrealistic but at the time she could see no other way to hold onto you and what she felt for you than to tell an untruth. Not that it was the right thing to do but it happened so many years ago it really isn't a big deal. She is a good person. This is something she carried around with her for years and felt that you would be able to forgive her and she could continue on with your lives knowing you loved her and would forgive her. If you need help ask for it but do not walk away from a woman who loves you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Claude Veritas

the woman , wanted to lead a life with a loving man, a good man , she really loved, so she in her desperation,even made the swearing,(perhaps asking forgiveness ,from The Lord,while she did it)..

this woman, had a wrecking past , a life of loneliness, seeking solace ending up with wrong guys...but when you found her, her hopes and aspirations of being a good wife of a loving man, whom she loved as well for his mannerisms, prevented her from telling you the truth, thinking you will reject her, once again, putting her into the lost world of Unsure Life ..darkening her Hope...so she did it desperation...You infact in her Saviour and Life ..you gave her a Life ...of being a Family...which otherwise would have been a broken dream , a shattered ,battered life ,which would have been destruction for her...

Its you who gave her Life , and its you , now under these crcumstances ,destroying the woman's life, infact the life of your kid's mother...



But, I feel she should be honest here after and always and ever...

When , she is CONTRITE , which she already is, you should not be stone hearted, but forgiving and accepting her , to start afresh...and In True Love...which already both of you have found in each other....

let her be with you and be one and let nothing come in between any more ..and Love be forever...


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## warlock07

troll post


----------



## COguy

Dude read the book of Hosea, read "Redeeming Love". Why are you worried about your wife's past mistakes? View her as perfect and unblemished because according to God, she is. Ask God to help you forgive her and love her as he loves your wife, as he loves you even though you've screwed up and been unfaithful to him.


----------



## tacoma

RR1024 said:


> All, please understand my feelings and depression. I am deeply hurt. she had 3 sexual partners in the past according to her, i think is more, but i am not asking that question. I cannot stand to know my wife was such a B. in the past. I can't get it over my head. i can't get it out my chest. I do not see her the same way. i felt that i was sleeping with the devil for 13 years.
> 
> understand i made wrong things and was forgiven for my acts which i am not proud of and feel ashame.


Please leave your wife immediately.

She deserves a real man.

Set her free from this madness.


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## RR1024

All, There is a lot of truth said in this forum. my feelings now are exactly as explained by SPOCK above. there are two sides of me. A my hearts believes in loving, forgiveness and moving on with my family. B my head is spinning and having horrible thoughts about her past. Again, she explained to me she was young and naive which did not last long, it was months. nothing was serious. 

all happened when she was 15-19 years old (tood young without guidance from parents/family). Then she stopped and relialize was making a huge mistake. she never felt in love for any of them according to her. all she was looking to be love becuase she was living with abusive brothers, her mom left the country, so she was basically left a alone with people who never care about her. trust me i know them and this is truth. When we met she was 21 years old. according to her, she felft in love and protected by me. she was scare to loose me, that is why she swallowed this burden and suffered for all these years and took it as a punishment upon her. I really love her. we have a very good relationship. everyone admires and look up to us. My daughter is adorable and her only wish is to have a family, the same for my son. all they want is a family nothing else. I know I will overcome this and I am sincerely thanksfull for all of your kinds words, some were a beating to me, but i accepted. this is reasy why i reach out to all in this great forum. again I appreciate and will look forward for your continue support to overcome this horrible moment in my life.

thank you again.


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## RR1024

Thor,
to answer your question, and make it clear to everyone. I do not care about the virgintiy factor. what hurst me and bother the most was the lied. I lived 16 years beliving something that was not truth and it hurts me that the person that I love the most have lied to me. And yes, I should have been given the option to make a decision back then and accepted her mistakes. Again the lied is what hurts me the most. I was very honest and put all my cards on the table to show my love for her. had she been honest to me! who knows maybe we will be together or maybe not. but in my opinion telling the truth is a key factor in a marriage. I had always told the truth, even when i dropped the ball, I asked my wife for forgiveness and came clean. i cannot live with guilt inside of me.


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## Claude Veritas

The Problem is The Lie , hence The Trust Issue, Those crap guys...and YOUR DOUBT on her being in "love and s .." with those like a give away woman..?

You still think , that she might have "loved" those craps..and also that she might still remember them and while in Coitus, she might be thinking of them and the acts...and while all these 16 years , she was with you , she dint tell about them , owing to her own "secret joy" about it?Why shud you torment yourself like that???

*See Pal, In the novel Tess D Uberville, Tess was seduced by Alec D'Uberville...and later when she was with Angel ,( whom she Loved as her Life), and she was about to tell him through a letter, which she actually wrote.but was not handed over..and eventually when Angel( he had his affair ) found it, he disowned her for the "Lie"...and you might know what happened to Tess and her tragedy...had Angel forgiven her at the first instance, she would have had her Life with Angel( though, it was finally some days,it was too very late), her Love and Life..but ....

.........

Do you wish such things happen to your Wife..? wont she be destroyed likewise in this modern world , even though she might not have a tragedy that of Tess, but a True Tragedy for herself. your Family, Kids and yourself...?

How many women are virgins or without former love affairs these days....? say a 10 % or max 15% in the entire world population...?? ponder here...
*
*Its understandable on your emotional agony...you BELIEVED her, LOVED her...much for her Love and Truth..and on the latter, you are shattered...since you are not able to get over, fight against The ONSLAUGHTS of her been with those craps..?* ?though its nothing anymore ?

*Well, its all over with them and they are mere nothing , she wont be even interested even to think of any of them,not even remembering them at all..But only you and her world around you n kids and the family...
*

She will need to be convincing you for LIFE...to tell Absolute Truth hereafter...and Live in it..as naturally it shud be..


Now get your Mind , Set...ASAP

Have a Broad, Understanding,Tolerating, Forgiving, Heart and Head...Leave aside on the Tormenting thoughts, for they are Past and nothing any more...

All is Well...if only you will have understood the "Past","Present" and "The Future would be"...Organize yourself ,Be Sensible ...and Start your Second Journey in All Truth...Trust and Love...till The End of Times..and into Eternity at The City of Twelve Gates....meeting The Living Tree..

May God Guide and God Speed..


----------



## jubals

I am absolutely amazed at the "SHUT UP AND GET OVER IT!" type of comments I am reading. That is not only ignorant but heartless too. RR is soliciting help on how to deal with the pain his wife's lying has caused, not to get your advice on how badly he should punish her. HE JUST WANTS TO KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THE PAIN!! You may as well berate him for having cancer. He's seeking relief, not judgmental verbal abuse.

I believe because his wife really loves him and he also really loves her, that together, with the help of a therapist or counselor, they can overcome this.

Godspeed, my friend!


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## RR1024

thank you. we are seeking help from a counselor. it is not easy to get over this. I have gone thru a huge depression and anxiety problems. I know I will get over this. but it take help from a counselor. again thank you.


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## leonleon

I know your story
girls lies is a speciality on that matter.
It destroyed my first marriage
it is about to destroing my second marriage.
Do not imagine that you will be able to live with your wife as if nothing happened.
You have values
Your wife did not match them.
She knew that and she manipulates you.If she really loved you she will not had manipulate you, she would not have been so egoist.
So you are a victim because you naively trust in an unreliable person.
3 bad solutions for you
1 you stay with her and spend a fortune with therapist,in 20 years of unhappiness later, you will understood there no solution , because you are too old
2 you divorce, it is costly money and emotion, but it is a radical solution.You CAN find a younger wife, under 20 ready to marry you, but instead of spending money for a therapist, invest in a private investigator to know her past (I am NOT joking)
3 you stay with her and **** every girls around, because otherwise you will feel like just the "next" the one who has to be happy with your wife ex's leftovers and tht is the most humiliating way to live.I know what I am saying.
Good luck! I know what is your pain!


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## SimplyAmorous

RR1024 said:


> no, i was not a virgin. i had partners before her. but i am man. it looks better on a man than a woman.


I'm sorry, I have not read all of these posts... but this right here is ....well... just NOT OK... I do not feel any man has the moral right to expect anything more from a woman that he has not expected from HIMSELF. You are dead wrong here and I call BS on such a belief. 



> but if you all were my shoes today. perhaps you would not say the same. I am truly appreciate it of all the comments


 No, not at all, if I was in your shoes, I know I'd be looking at myself in the mirror before judging another .... You've had an AFFAIR on your wife after the vows...YOU BETRAYED her in the worst way, something worthy of divorce....and this was BEFORE you even learned of her past...so in fact you screwed around on your virgin wife (LORDY Be... what the hell does that make [email protected]#$).... this clearly shows your moral compass & integrity as a man.... 

Learn this ....the fact she has forgiven YOU .... is ...well.... something you didn't deserve at all..... a pure act of Love on her behalf....a forgiveness MOST wives wouldn't even bestow you... so in realitly....you ought to feel at HER mercy and be dancing in the streets she still wants to be with you. Depression... how do you feel she felt for the 1st 16 yrs knowing you would have thrown her out on her ear -not accepting her for who she was, having to hide a peice of her -from her own husband, hell she has had 16 yrs of depression. 

I think you can handle what you have been delt here. 



> *NextTimeAround said*: Sadly, your wife made the mistake of trying to be someone that she wasn't to try to keep you and it caught up with her. A good lesson for all of us to remember
> 
> So that women won't ever feel the need to make up lies like this, they should remember that any guy in this day and age who values virginity is just a piece of **** who likely go screwing around anyway because he constantly needs new *****.


 You know what I HATE about threads like this... it gives others THIS idea right here ^^^^ Just because a man may value a virgin does NOT always make him a Hypocrite.... this TROLL clearly WAS a Hypocrite... as he also slept with women before he married /then ran out & had an affair after the vows, the height of hypocricy here is staggering. No wonder the anger in the replies. 

BUt the men who DO save themselves for the love of thier lives ...has every right in this world to desire a woman who feels the same - waiting for her one & only....

Not all men like this = a Peice of Sh** Nor are their reasons for wanting a woman with such values have anything at all to do with insecurities, though I do feel this man has PLENTY....this TROLL that is. 

Just wanted to add my 2 cents anyhow.


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## HopelesslyJaded

You are right SA. This right here is exactly what I referred to in that "other" thread. It is waaaay too common for men to feel/act this way. I can't put into words how much this angers me.

To the OP, yes I agree honesty is one of the most important things two people can give to one another BUT considering your past before marriage and events after marriage, maybe a little self introspection needs to be done.


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## Stonewall

Religion my a**. Thats just an excuse for you to hold her to a certain standard while being exempt from it yourself. 

I'm with SA "BS flag on the play!"


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## anony2

HopelesslyJaded said:


> You are right SA. This right here is exactly what I referred to in that "other" thread. It is waaaay too common for men to feel/act this way. I can't put into words how much this angers me.
> 
> To the OP, yes I agree honesty is one of the most important things two people can give to one another BUT considering your past before marriage and events after marriage, maybe a little self introspection needs to be done.


Isn't it funny that is what WE were trying to explain to the OP in the other thread repeatedly and now the others are saying it? LMAO...:rofl:


----------



## SimplyAmorous

anony2 said:


> Isn't it funny that is what WE were trying to explain to the OP in the other thread repeatedly and now the others are saying it? LMAO...:rofl:


Not sure why you are







exactly.... as for me, I've held the same position throughout that entire thread and I believe many of the women are NOT getting what they are saying at all... But I do. 

For instance.....I would not be with anyone who felt sleeping around just for pleasure is OK, that the emotional in sex is not necessary (even during dating).... but people can CHANGE their view on this ....(but did they? )..... and obviously many many many do things out of immaturity in their younger years. I dont have a problem with Entropy, THundarr , Caribean Man or Falcon King's positions at all..... 

I will forever agree with them..... that WOMEN DO NOT HOLD MEN TO THE SAME STANDARDS.....we prove this every day by our actions in this game of attraction , every hour, every minute.... Women shun the GOOD GUYS ......(my husband wasn't in demand, lucky me !!)..... women look for booming Confidence, Social status , how much he's LUSTED after by other women - WAY BEYOND how few sexual partners he bed. Men will never change their behaviors until WE demand MORE from them...they aren't seeing it ..... and frankly, as a woman.... nether do I .

If they even tried to live like this, their sexual rank would GO DOWN ....

Falcon King & gang were never clammering for a Virgin anyway, FK even said he didn't want one. 

What they want ....after they've matured & started using their other head .....realizing Sex is so much more than "*just sex*" when one falls in love.... However that hit them between the







~ it had an IMPACT... and they grew up .... 

Now their VALUES* have changed*.... 

Now they are thinking of settling down....they now want a woman with similar values as they (despite their past - which if they could, they would relive & NOT do what they did - they even admire those who didn't act as they)...... and when they have sons, would teach them a better way. 

Now they are in the position -if they fall for a virgin , that she will be OPEN to understanding where HE came from & what he has learned.....which many women are willing to do .... just as Caribeans wife did... but he had to pass the 1 year NO INTERCOURSE test to prove he was serious for her /for their future ...... GOOD FOR HER :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

If someone has matured, why would they want to be with another who still holds the same views they did during their wild "free sex & love" years ?? I don't see these men as hypocrites at all. 

Our past doesn't define any of us....but how we look back upon it -does speak where we are today.... If we want our children to be as FREE as we were sexually .... "sex is just sex" ~ no emotional connection/commitment needed--even in dating... then we need to find another who views this similarly.....so that way, when children are born...and raised....both parents are on the same page in what is being taught about sexuality... 

This in itself is a huge thing...Parents should not be divided in this. Will we put our daughter on birth control at 15, and tell our sons to go get some experience or will we want to have them avoid - what we feel we could have done better. ??


----------



## HopelesslyJaded

Maybe I am weird in that I beleive in both non emotional sex while single and emotional (monogomous) bonding sex while in a committed relationship. LOL


Good thing there are all those porn stars who have that non committed sex for our entertainment. That most of us openly admit to using. Wonder how we honestly judge them.


----------



## anony2

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Maybe I am weird in that I beleive in both non emotional sex while single and emotional bonding sex while in a committed relationship. LOL


No, you aren't weird, I think both are possible also. I cannot fathom why people think that both aren't possible since people have been doing this since as far back as history has been recorded. I mean really, what do people think that concubines were?


----------



## HopelesslyJaded

anony2 said:


> No, you aren't weird, I think both are possible also. I cannot fathom why people think that both aren't possible since people have been doing this since as far back as history has been recorded. I mean really, what do people think that concubines were?


Let's not mix the two here. I definitely don't agree with concubines. I think that is something different entirely. That was also one of those "men have needs" things and you can bet their wives didn't like it. It was just "how it was" and you accepted it or just didn't marry.


----------



## anony2

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Let's not mix the two here. I definitely don't agree with concubines. I think that is something different entirely. That was also one of those "men have needs" things and you can bet their wives didn't like it. It was just "how it was" and you accepted it or just didn't marry.


I don't agree with concubines either...but funny enough, some of these men that had hundreds of concubines in the bible would be called HOLY men by some of these people that claim 'purity' or expect their wives to be virgins while they were not. 

The point was that obviously, these men that had concubines, did not have 'emotional connection' type sex with everyone of his concubines, and they were not interested in being monogamous.


----------



## Caribbean Man

SimplyAmorous said:


> *BUt the men who DO save themselves for the love of thier lives ...has every right in this world to desire a woman who feels the same - waiting for her one & only....*
> 
> Not all men like this = a Peice of Sh** Nor are their reasons for wanting a woman with such values have anything at all to do with insecurities, though I do feel this man has PLENTY....this TROLL that is.
> 
> Just wanted to add my 2 cents anyhow.


^^^^^^^^^^
*"..Cliché to a fool,but truth to one who seeks wisdom......"*

Well said SA


----------



## anony2

SimplyAmorous said:


> Not sure why you are
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> exactly.... as for me, I've held the same position throughout that entire thread and I believe many of the women are NOT getting what they are saying at all... But I do.
> 
> For instance.....I would not be with anyone who felt sleeping around just for pleasure is OK, that the emotional in sex is not necessary (even during dating).... but people can CHANGE their view on this ....(but did they? )..... and obviously many many many do things out of immaturity in their younger years. I dont have a problem with Entropy, THundarr , Caribean Man or Falcon King's positions at all.....
> 
> I will forever agree with them..... that WOMEN DO NOT HOLD MEN TO THE SAME STANDARDS.....we prove this every day by our actions in this game of attraction , every hour, every minute.... Women shun the GOOD GUYS ......(my husband wasn't in demand, lucky me !!)..... women look for booming Confidence, Social status , how much he's LUSTED after by other women - WAY BEYOND how few sexual partners he bed. Men will never change their behaviors until WE demand MORE from them...they aren't seeing it ..... and frankly, as a woman.... nether do I .
> 
> If they even tried to live like this, their sexual rank would GO DOWN ....
> 
> Falcon King & gang were never clammering for a Virgin anyway, FK even said he didn't want one.
> 
> What they want ....after they've matured & started using their other head .....realizing Sex is so much more than "*just sex*" when one falls in love.... However that hit them between the
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ~ it had an IMPACT... and they grew up ....
> 
> Now their VALUES* have changed*....
> 
> Now they are thinking of settling down....they now want a woman with similar values as they (despite their past - which if they could, they would relive & NOT do what they did - they even admire those who didn't act as they)...... and when they have sons, would teach them a better way.
> 
> Now they are in the position -if they fall for a virgin , that she will be OPEN to understanding where HE came from & what he has learned.....which many women are willing to do .... just as Caribeans wife did... but he had to pass the 1 year NO INTERCOURSE test to prove he was serious for her /for their future ...... GOOD FOR HER :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:
> 
> If someone has matured, why would they want to be with another who still holds the same views they did during their wild "free sex & love" years ?? I don't see these men as hypocrites at all.
> 
> Our past doesn't define any of us....but how we look back upon it -does speak where we are today.... If we want our children to be as FREE as we were sexually .... "sex is just sex" ~ no emotional connection/commitment needed--even in dating... then we need to find another who views this similarly.....so that way, when children are born...and raised....both parents are on the same page in what is being taught about sexuality...
> 
> This in itself is a huge thing...Parents should not be divided in this. Will we put our daughter on birth control at 15, and tell our sons to go get some experience or will we want to have them avoid - what we feel we could have done better. ??


I think we should teach both our sons and daughters about birth control and let them decide for themselves. It is obvious that teaching them abstinence doesn't work...ask Sarah Palin.


----------



## leonleon

boys and girls are not equal versus sex.
A small number of boys (say 1 or 2%,; alpha )have sex with a very large number of girls(say 80%) and the others boys (98% maybe, beta ) have sex with a small number of girls.
That means that as alpha have a large experience, they can chose to marry the best quality girls, that is the less milleage ones .
And beta marry what they found.
Result:
most marriage are made with girls having much more partners than their husbands.
How does that finish?
1 girl lie to made her marriage material, and the boys believe her(he is very naive/stupid)
2 dito, but with internet the boy discovers that he certainly was manipulated, and by doing some enquiries, he get a quick confirmation of the fact, that lead to divorce, or violence, or alcool, or psy, or suicide, or cheating .

3 girl tell the truth from beginning, and boy accept to have to be satisfied by her exe's leftovers.
4 dito but he is not satisfy and find a better quality girl.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

anony2 said:


> I think we should teach both our sons and daughters about birth control and let them decide for themselves. It is obvious that teaching them abstinence doesn't work...ask Sarah Palin.


I had a father slam me in the parenting section for feeling it wasn't necessary to put my daughter on birth control at age 15-even suggesting she might be raped... I am not Sarah Palin's Mother, and I can bet you - their views on sexuality was a sight more strict than MINE.... which is my whole issue with this topic. 

I feel the church goes TOO far in it's purity stance ..... but so does the world in the other direction. Absolutely children need to be taught about birth control, I am not one of those mom's who would pull them out of school for fear they hear something secular, I encourage them to be taught thoroughly ...to be prepared and act responsibly in everything they do. 

Far too many parents have set it up so their children feel "shamed" to even bring such topics to them... what they are struggling with emotionally in regards to sex, or their raging hormones... I am so against this, you have no idea. I don't know her story (Sarah Palin), how old she was, not familiar....

Without knowing me personally and my family....you'd be surprised how open we are. My sons would bulk if I tried to give them condoms. It's never been my choice. They feel strongly where they are .


----------



## MrsKy

southern wife said:


> WOW!! I'm sorry, but all of this about the *past*? After 16 years you want to just run away from your wife, but won't because of the kids?
> 
> Sounds to me like you don't even love your wife. Do you? Would you have loved her even if she told you she was not a virgin when you met - and been totally upfront with you?
> 
> It also sounds to me like she has been very good to you, loves you, and has been a great mother to the kids. What more can a man ask for? :scratchhead:


:iagree::iagree:

I don't understand hubbies who make such a big deal about a woman's PAST. What makes this worse is you shamed her by making her swear in front of everyone, thus making your wife feel even more terrible than she already feels for being a rape victim. Way to pile on the pain!  

Why on earth would you like to add to your wife's emotional turmoil? What does your religion say about harshly judging others? The real issue is that she did not feel comfortable being honest and this is likely because you are a terribly judgemental and insensitive person. You can leave your wife because she was raped and not a physical virgin, but please be aware of what that choice would say about the kind of man YOU are. I hope your wife has the good sense to leave and find a man who is sensitive and caring. 

I am so blessed that my husband is progressive and understanding. He does not judge me for being promiscuous before I met him, because he knows I was trying to work out psychological trauma and make up for a sheltered adolesence. As long as I am faithful to him, that is all my husband cares about. He would NEVER look down on me for being sexually abused as a child and raped as an adult, nor would he look down on me for becoming s!utty as a result. Good man I have!

It's really easy to judge, until you have been through whatever the person you are judging has endured. Only stupid men have the temerity to demand a virgin, when they have slept with anything that walks. If I was single, I wouldn't DARE look down on any guy for sleeping around. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same for most males.


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## MrsKy

RR1024 said:


> no, i was not a virgin. i had partners before her. but i am man. it looks better on a man than a woman.


...........Aaaand this is why I stayed away from "Christian" men when I was single. The two that I did date were the biggest liars who willfully committed sins during the week and then praised God in church on Sunday.


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## Thundarr

RR. Your wife forgave your infidelity yet you can not forgive this? That makes no sense. 

I know why it bothers you. She took away your free will to choose until it was too late. The betrayal is the lie and it feels like it waters down down your relationship. 

Well my friend having an affair is either worse or just as bad as lying. Actually having an affair is lying.

Just accept it as karma and move on. I'm the kind of guy that this would hit hard because it takes away your choices and EVEN I THINK YOU NEED TO GET A GRIP AND NEVER MENTION IT AGAIN.


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## tonyarz

I understand you want a virgin. We all do, but what she did before you shouldn't make a difference. She has been faithful to you for that long. I wouldn't worry about it. It seems like a lot of guys on here get intiminated by another man. I guess it all boils down to confidence.


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## Donald D

southern wife said:


> :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:
> 
> And apparently, you DID accept her the way she was when you met her. Her past is her past. Not yours, and you had nothing to do with it. By not being a virgin, does not mean she is damaged in any way. It just means she lived her life and experienced life in a different way than you did!
> 
> *So, were YOU a virgin when you met her?*


my wife shared with me just the other day that when she met me she didn't love me. O.K. I guess I was not the sharpest tool on the shelf to believe her along with other things that she lied about. Ex Boyfriends, when she got divorced, the number of times she cheated on men, being on the most part a *****. I have understood all these things because I truly love her. However, the problem is not with me. Its her. I never bring these things up. But she does in anger all the time. She is so fearful of what I am going to do that we cant have a godly marriage. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop when there is know other shoe. Let me explain to you something's. My wife is comes from family incest from 5yrs old and now 54yrs. I met her at age 50yrs. She has sent me to hell and back no joke but I still find myself enduring any and everything because of the love I have for her. When you cant see beyond the woman you have you are truly in love. Forgive her and move on my friend.


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## mjell2

RR1024 said:


> Conrad, I am aware of all of you points. why i am feeling so hurt. i cannot imaging my wife has slept with others guys. she told me that she was young and naive, all happened on her teenagers years 15-19 years. I understand her family background are not the best. her mother never care about her, lost her father when she was 3 years old. have brothers/sisters that are stranger to her. so basically she said she group up alone with no advise or role model to look for. she says, i am her life, everything, that i gave her all she wanted in life and family. she is very hurt for seeing me going into depression. i am also scare that she would commit something stupid.


Some of the responses here seemed to be a bit brutal. This guy is really hurting. How do I know? Because a similar thing happened to me. My wife was a virgin. I considered that a real gift and still do. However, recently she told me that she had received oral sex from two men in the past. She was also forced to perform oral one time. 

Even worse, when she was in high school she jacked her boyfriend off many times and her boyfriend made her orgasm many times. She was then completely naked with a couple of men in bed but swears up and down that nothing happened. She also jacked a couple of guys off and made them cum. Also, several men that she had dated had sucked on both of her breasts. 

For a number of years she told me the ONLY thing she did was French kiss a couple of guys in high school and a few others over the years but no big deal. I was fine with that as kissing is normal in high school.

Now to find out my wife has done everything but full blown intercourse is a pretty tough pill to swallow. I have walked around in a daze of confusion and depression and cry uncontrollably. I love my wife. Nothing will ever change that. But it hurts like fuquing (@#$%^&) no other. Just being truthful here. 

The thought of other men being between my wife's legs knowing what she tastes like, knowing what she feels like, knowing what she smells like, and know what she sounds like when she orgasms is way over-the-top for me emotionally. Especially when I thought that I was the only one that She did those things with, only to find out that I'm only one of several.

Again, that's a pretty dam big pill to swallow. I think I would feel better if an oversized elephant raped me in the [email protected]#$%! publicly in the downtown square than to have to deal with this internal emotional turmoil. Really. 

On the positive side, I have felt nothing but compassion, brokenness, and tenderness toward my wife. I love her. I'm pissed as hell but understand that she was too scared to tell me. I have refrained from any adversarial Communication to the best my ability. Just a couple of times our communication got a bit heated then I backed off because I did not want to upset her.

Nevertheless, I feel really freaking violated. I'm not saying I'm right–I'm just saying how I feel. Emotions are very powerful and I think I'm learning that the hard way.

Any advice anyone? I'm all ears.

Thanks for listening.


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## mjell2

Will do. No thread jacking intended. I did not see the date of the original post. My thoughts really went out to the guy and hope it works out between him and his wife.


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## 6301

I hope I don't get in trouble for this but you really piss me off with your holier than thou attitude. If she's a good woman, faithful, good mom to the kids then consider yourself lucky.

This bull$h!t about having to be a virgin crap is just that. Crap. How about being a man for a change and letting your wife know that you still love her and thank your lucky stars that you've been blessed with a good one. Read some of the other posts from guys who have had their hearts ripped out of their chests from their unfaithful wives and maybe you'll finally come out of the fog, grow the hell up, act like a man and be grateful for what you have. You have no complaint her friend. Honestly you had a lot of gall telling your wife that only a virgin would do.


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## larry.gray

mjell2 said:


> Will do. No thread jacking intended. I did not see the date of the original post. My thoughts really went out to the guy and hope it works out between him and his wife.


Hoe do you even find a thrread as old as this. The topic comes up all the time. This thread should be hundreds of threads down on any search.


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## Thor

6301 said:


> I hope I don't get in trouble for this but you really piss me off with your holier than thou attitude. If she's a good woman, faithful, good mom to the kids then consider yourself lucky.
> 
> This bull$h!t about having to be a virgin crap is just that. Crap. How about being a man for a change and letting your wife know that you still love her and thank your lucky stars that you've been blessed with a good one. Read some of the other posts from guys who have had their hearts ripped out of their chests from their unfaithful wives and maybe you'll finally come out of the fog, grow the hell up, act like a man and be grateful for what you have. You have no complaint her friend. Honestly you had a lot of gall telling your wife that only a virgin would do.


Is he not entitled to his own values and opinions?

Does he not have the right to feel hurt that his wife lied to him about something he made clear was important to him?


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## aine

RR1024 said:


> no, i was not a virgin. i had partners before her. but i am man. it looks better on a man than a woman.


sorry man have to call you out on this one. If you are a man of faith (any faith, Christian or otherwise) men are not supposed to sleep around before they are married either, so the standard you set for your wife, you should have set for yourself too. 

Tbh, with having had an affair also, your wife forgave you, didn't dig up the fact you were not a virgin when you got married, you are a right hypocrite. In fact your wife is too bloody good for you. 

You are NOT a man of faith, because if you had God in your life, you would not be setting rules for your wife that you yourself have not adhered to, in fact you have broken your marriage vows, men of faith do not do that either. So lay off your wife and look at your own shortcomings.

As the good book says 'why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your 'wife's' eye when you have a log in your own"
This might sound harsh but it seems to be you are one of those people the good book talks about , you have a form of godliness but do not practice what it really calls for, forgiveness.

I believe that now God is putting you through the fire, maybe you will learn what it really means to forgive and be sacrificial, the only problem I see here is your over sized ego not your poor wife.


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## Vega

aine said:


> sorry man have to call you out on this one. *If you are a man of faith (any faith, Christian or otherwise) men are not supposed to sleep around before they are married either*, so the standard you set for your wife, you should have set for yourself too.
> 
> Tbh, with having had an affair also, your wife forgave you, didn't dig up the fact you were not a virgin when you got married, you are a right hypocrite. In fact your wife is too bloody good for you.
> 
> You are NOT a man of faith, because if you had God in your life, you would not be setting rules for your wife that you yourself have not adhered to, in fact you have broken your marriage vows, men of faith do not do that either. So lay off your wife and look at your own shortcomings.
> 
> As the good book says 'why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your 'wife's' eye when you have a log in your own"
> This might sound harsh but it seems to be you are one of those people the good book talks about , you have a form of godliness but do not practice what it really calls for, forgiveness.
> 
> I believe that now God is putting you through the fire, maybe you will learn what it really means to forgive and be sacrificial, the only problem I see here is your over sized ego not your poor wife.


^^THIS^^ !!!!!!!!

:allhail:

I just want to add one thing...

As for committing adultery, perhaps you now know how your WIFE felt when she discovered your betrayal...and for MUCH TIME AFTER THE FACT. 

It's very possible that she's not as "over it" as either of you think.

As for what I've *bolded* it amazes me how many arrogant men ignore the idea of chastity FOR THEMSELVES, yet hold women to this standard. 

Seems to me that if we ALL practiced this, there would be a lot less problems in the world.


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## Marc878

Time to be thankfull for the wife and marriage you have.

Keep the past where it belongs. In the past.

Many would be extremely thankfull for what you have.

Time to grow up and live in the real world. Part of that is accepting things you can never change.

Ask yourself. Right now. Would you be better off without her????


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## Roselyn

RR1024 said:


> yes, like i say i am not perfect. i had an affair in the past and she forgave me for the love she has for me.Your posts suggest a Christian outlook. If correct, what does your religion teach about forgiveness and marriage?
> i believe in forgiveness.What things could she do to help re-establish your trust in her? What things has she offered to do?
> reach our to marriage counseling offer by the church.
> Why did she choose now to reveal this to you?
> because i questioned her, tormented her for two months to tell me the truth, thus she says she wanted to feel free and take it out of her chest.


Did you say that you had an affair and she forgave you? Your attitude about her sexual experience before your marriage is out of the playing field. Is the forgiving on her side only? You profess to be a Christian man. You broke one of the ten commandments, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"!


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## aine

Personal said:


> *Please Stop!*
> 
> You are both flogging a dead horse!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *RR1024* has not been active here since *March of 2012*, he's gone so please let it go.
> 
> Though shalt not resuscitate zombies!


That poor horse, *chuckle* *chuckle*


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## knobcreek

16 years and two kids and you're worried because your wife when a teenager decades ago banged some High Schooler? Good grief, sorry to be a ****, but get over it. Women like sex, they like it as much as you do. The fact that she feels bad about this and feels the need to apologize should be enough for you. We have paternity tests now, the virgin requirement isn't necessary.


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