# Married 1 Month, First Big Fight



## Bonnie0108 (May 13, 2016)

Hi all. I have been married since April 9th of this year (but we have been together for 5 years, lived together for 3) and had my first big fight with my husband. My team at work does quarterly team builders and are always looking for suggestions or new ideas. Someone mentioned hitting the lake, I suggested a water park (reside in AZ). In a casual conversation with my husband about our days at work, I mentioned how I suggested going to a water park next month for our team builder and he blew a gasket. He asked me why I wanted to be seen in my bathing suit around coworkers (honestly, that thought really didn't cross my mind - I was just thinking of something 'different' my team could do for when it is so hot outside) and used the metaphor, "single ****s make suggestions like that." He said to figure out dinner on my own tonight and that he didn't want to see me this weekend. I can understand why he is upset after hearing his perspective, but I think he is being a little over the top about it. Is what I did truly wrong or do you think he really is overreacting?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Bonnie0108 said:


> Hi all. I have been married since April 9th of this year (but we have been together for 5 years, lived together for 3) and had my first big fight with my husband. My team at work does quarterly team builders and are always looking for suggestions or new ideas. Someone mentioned hitting the lake, I suggested a water park (reside in AZ). In a casual conversation with my husband about our days at work, I mentioned how I suggested going to a water park next month for our team builder and he blew a gasket. He asked me why I wanted to be seen in my bathing suit around coworkers (honestly, that thought really didn't cross my mind - I was just thinking of something 'different' my team could do for when it is so hot outside) and used the metaphor, "single ****s make suggestions like that." He said to figure out dinner on my own tonight and that he didn't want to see me this weekend. I can understand why he is upset after hearing his perspective, but I think he is being a little over the top about it. Is what I did truly wrong or do you think he really is overreacting?


Need more info. 

Has he always been jealous?

Have you EVER acted inappropriately at work..that he is aware of?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
that seems a strange over-reaction from him. As others have asked, is there some back story?


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## Bonnie0108 (May 13, 2016)

He does have a history of being jealous and gets angry pretty easily. I have never acted in a manner with coworkers that makes him uncomfortable, until now if you consider this a case.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Particularly with laws about sexual harassment, the suggestion seems a little strange. Hey Jane, you look good in that bikini- Mr. Gordon do you understand what you are here, your subordinate Jane Jackson has filed a complaint with our HR +
department. 

That said, it seems like a small issue which could occasion a comment or rebuke, not 3 days of sulking. Two possibilities. First, he is somewhat possessive and that is not a good thing. Secondly you like to flaunt which is also not a good thing or possibly both are true. 

He needs to develop ways of expressing himself in a moderate manner that do not degenerate into all-out conflict. Basically, I agree he is wrong for the extent of his response.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

He is definitely overreacting. I guess that means you two can never go to the beach or the pool yourselves because other people will see you in your bathing suit. Is there something else going on here. The way you've described it doesn't make sense.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

yes. over-react.

if you expressed regret over this,and you don't give him reasons to distrust you, then he should leave it at that.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Bonnie0108 said:


> He does have a history of being jealous and gets angry pretty easily. I have never acted in a manner with coworkers that makes him uncomfortable, until now if you consider this a case.


This being the case. 

Yes, over-reacted. 

You might want to take this situation as a way to learn more about his thought process...I mean...how did he get to $lut from waterpark? Seems like a stretch to me...but something brought him there. Figure out what that is. 

It could easily have zero to do with you...and a ton to do with some past experience. 

Go Encyclopedia Brown on this incident and figure it out.


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## Bonnie0108 (May 13, 2016)

I mean, we have had a pretty crappy week overall but neither of us have been mad at each other. Firstly, he comes home in a bad mood at least 3/5 days during the work week. He has a pretty stressful job so I usually just make dinner, give him his space, then he warms up. This week has been a bit worse than normal but nothing out of the ordinary really. However, he has been making snappy comments to me such as, when I asked him to calm down and let it go over a hot button topic we were discussing (politics related) he said, "Ok I will stop talking then since I am annoying the F out of you." I told him he wasn't annoying me, he just seemed to be getting heated and I didn't want to ruin the evening. Something elsd that irked me, although I didn't mention it to him, is with regards to our wedding pics. We received them this week and I was so excited to go through them and reminisce about our big day. We got through about half and he asked to take a break and go for a walk. When we got home he didn't want to look at the rest of the pictures because it was too late. Ok, upsetting but fine. The next day, he came home in one of his "moods" and when I asked him if he wanted to look at the pictures after dinner, he said "I don't want to sit on the couch anymore, I feel lazy. Can we go for a walk?" And again, we didn't end up looking at pictures. It really hurt my feelings that he wasn't as excited about it as I was. He has never been the romantic lovey dovey type but usually he has a little more emotion than that - wondering if any of these are a cause for his reaction towards me last night.


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## Bonnie0108 (May 13, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> Bonnie0108 said:
> 
> 
> > He does have a history of being jealous and gets angry pretty easily. I have never acted in a manner with coworkers that makes him uncomfortable, until now if you consider this a case.
> ...


I agree, but wanted to make sure I wasn't completely in left field with my thinking. I am very physically fit so again, I can see his concern but I am one of those people at work who constantly talks about their spouse and every story involves him. I have never flirted or anything of the sort with coworkers and do not treat the guys any different from the girls.


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## Bonnie0108 (May 13, 2016)

niceguy28 said:


> He is definitely overreacting. I guess that means you two can never go to the beach or the pool yourselves because other people will see you in your bathing suit. Is there something else going on here. The way you've described it doesn't make sense.


In Hawaii on our honeymoon, I had to go back to the hotel room while he was at the gym because he didn't want guys checking me out or coming to talk to me if he wasn't around.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Bonnie0108 said:


> In Hawaii on our honeymoon, I had to go back to the hotel room while he was at the gym because he didn't want guys checking me out or coming to talk to me if he wasn't around.


No words.

Have you started pricing burkas?

There is more to his story. The more you know the better chance you have to figure out how to get past it together


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

not sure what type of company you work for but the suggestion to hang out in swimsuits with co-workers sounds like a weird one to me. 

it also seems less than credible that you would not be aware that this would be a sexually charged environment to hang out with co-workers in. 

that said, your husband's reaction sounds pretty over the top.

if it was me, I would've just said, "do you really think it's a good idea to hang out with your co-workers in swimsuits? sounds like something that you wouldn't really want to do unless you were looking for a certain kind of reaction." and then left it at that.

I would've then expected you would have dropped it. but if you didn't, I would've drawn the obvious conclusion-- that you were looking for attention from other guys.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
that is really not OK. Not wanting you to flirt with other men is one thing, but hiding you from other men in public situations is way too controlling.

At least in the US and Europe is it is completely normal for women to wear swimsuits at beaches, pools etc. Yes, it does provide some lovely scenery for some of us, but its in a very general sort of way. Direct flirting should be turned down if you are married, but otherwise it is socially normal.

Is he from a non-European / American background? 

I think you need to sort this out now. 




Bonnie0108 said:


> In Hawaii on our honeymoon, I had to go back to the hotel room while he was at the gym because he didn't want guys checking me out or coming to talk to me if he wasn't around.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> not sure what type of company you work for but the suggestion to hang out in swimsuits with co-workers sounds like a weird one to me.
> 
> it also seems less than credible that you would not be aware that this would be a sexually charged environment to hang out with co-workers in.
> 
> ...



That's the reality. I highly doubt ANY employer would OK this activity...too much liability. I wouldn't. No dam,n way


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

it's normal to go swimming, but in corporate America it's not normal to plan social events with co-workers in that type of environment, unless you work in the type of company where people routinely date each other. Maybe that's different in Europe but I sort of doubt it.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like he has some insecurities bubbling up (as well as additional stresses) which contributed to his over-reaction.

It sounds like you and he need to talk about boundaries.

1) His disrespectful angry outburst toward you is unacceptable (he needs to be able to voice his feelings/emotions without attacking and name calling)
2) Understand that swimsuits in the workplace can be inappropriate (as men will objectify). 

I would recommend reading "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Lovebusters" by Dr Willard Harley together with your husband.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

Bonnie0108 said:


> In Hawaii on our honeymoon, I had to go back to the hotel room while he was at the gym because he didn't want guys checking me out or coming to talk to me if he wasn't around.


This guy has issues. If I were you I would spend the next couple of weeks building up his ego. Make sure that he knows unequivocally that you are his and his alone. If you do this and he's still like this then you need to suggest some form of counseling. I personally have never understood guys who get jealous like that.


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## Bonnie0108 (May 13, 2016)

Again, the only reason I suggestion a water park was because a female coworker of mine, also married, mentioned going to the lake. My thought process was literally, "I don't like the lake. What is another fun water activity? Waterpark?" I realize it was a stupid idea and the fact that someone else before me suggested a "bathing suit related activity" does not validate the HR friendliness of my half minded option. 

Both of us are American at least 2 generations.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Bonnie

Yes, his reaction was a bit over the top, and none of us know much about your relationship so lets leave it at that.

However
*not sure what type of company you work for but the suggestion to hang out in swimsuits with co-workers sounds like a weird one to me.* 

With all the sensitivity on sexual harrassment in most large organizations these days, it would seem strange if HR would be too thrilled with a team building exercise with most of the participants with not much clothing on. So i am not sure if your suggestion would be accepted anyway.

But if it is, you already know that if you do not want a major blow up the smart thing to do might NOT be to pick out your sexiest bathing suit to wear.

And aside from his reaction, if you read any of the literature on infidelity that is out there, the workplace is now the incubator of inappropriate behavior. And corporations unwittingly feed into it by these type of team builder things that take married folks away from their spouses, encourage bonding in an environment fueled by alcohol and no accountability, and then wonder why their is a big uptick in sexual harassment AND infidelity.

I think you need to get into therapy of some sort with hubby about his possessiveness. He needs to feel comfortable in your boundary presevation and something is bothering him to get this exercised over just a suggestion that you made. if your suggestion is accepted, i would have some serious discussion before you go off to the water park.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Lol, my global company's big annual award to the sales people is a free trip to Hawaii, everyone stays at the same hotel, and lots of group activities. Swimsuits for everyone! 

Your H needs to get a grip. And you'd better buckle up - your marriage is going to be one, long, bumpy ride if he gets on your case for no reason and is jealous about stuff like this.


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## Bonnie0108 (May 13, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> if it was me, I would've just said, "do you really think it's a good idea to hang out with your co-workers in swimsuits? sounds like something that you wouldn't really want to do unless you were looking for a certain kind of reaction." and then left it at that.
> 
> I would've then expected you would have dropped it. but if you didn't, I would've drawn the obvious conclusion-- that you were looking for attention from other guys.


This is exactly how I played it out in my head, and I honestly would have dropped it if he would have said this to me. I take fault for the stupid idea and understand why he is mad, but I don't think it is acceptable for him to tell me he doesn't want to see me all weekend and make a metaphor of me being a ****.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Bonnie0108 said:


> This is exactly how I played it out in my head, and I honestly would have dropped it if he would have said this to me. I take fault for the stupid idea and understand why he is mad, but I don't think it is acceptable for him to tell me he doesn't want to see me all weekend and make a metaphor of me being a ****.


That's the problem exactly. He assumed your intentions were nefarious and he is treating you as though they are in an especially vile manner. This man does not actually respect you nor trust you, for all that he married you a month ago. He gives you no benefit of the doubt and doesn't even consider that he might be WRONG about your intentions or that he might be WRONG in how he's treating you and calling you names.

How is it that you did not see this kind of behavior from him all along? And if you did, why did you go ahead with the marriage?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Bonnie0108 said:


> This is exactly how I played it out in my head, and I honestly would have dropped it if he would have said this to me. I take fault for the stupid idea and understand why he is mad, but I don't think it is acceptable for him to tell me he doesn't want to see me all weekend and make a metaphor of me being a ****.


totally agree he is over-reacting.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

norajane said:


> That's the problem exactly. He assumed your intentions were nefarious and he is treating you as though they are in an especially vile manner. This man does not actually respect you nor trust you, for all that he married you a month ago. He gives you no benefit of the doubt and doesn't even consider that he might be WRONG about your intentions or that he might be WRONG in how he's treating you and calling you names.
> 
> How is it that you did not see this kind of behavior from him all along? And if you did, why did you go ahead with the marriage?


the guy definitely over-reacted, but at the same time it's really not believable that a hot woman (as the OP has described herself) would not be aware of the attention should would get from co-workers in that type of situation. 

mild annoyance would have been a perfectly appropriate reaction on the part of her husband.

his reaction was extreme and over the top though.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Anon, not everyone thinks in terms of, "I'm a hot woman so I know that I would get lots of attention in a swimsuit." It may not be believable to you, but most hot people are just living their daily lives without their hotness being at the forefront of their minds. The truly hot aren't as impressed with themselves as others are - they are just themselves and don't think about everything in life being about their hotness. Not everyone approaches activities based on their hotness and other people's reactions to it. In fact, a hot woman would likely NOT be _seeking _those reactions because she gets them all the time anyway, even when wearing a potato sack.

I would expect him to know his wife well enough to know that she's not the kind who seeks attention or to give her the benefit of HIS doubt. He's been with her for years and just married her. He should never have married her if he doesn't trust her and believes her every act and suggestion should be filtered through whether other people might notice her hotness.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

norajane said:


> Anon, not everyone thinks in terms of, "I'm a hot woman so I know that I would get lots of attention in a swimsuit." It may not be believable to you, but most hot people are just living their daily lives without their hotness being at the forefront of their minds. The truly hot aren't as impressed with themselves as others are - they are just themselves and don't think about everything in life being about their hotness. Not everyone approaches activities based on their hotness and other people's reactions to it. In fact, a hot woman would likely NOT be _seeking _those reactions because she gets them all the time anyway, even when wearing a potato sack.
> 
> I would expect him to know his wife well enough to know that she's not the kind who seeks attention or to give her the benefit of HIS doubt. He's been with her for years and just married her. He should never have married her if he doesn't trust her and believes her every act and suggestion should be filtered through whether other people might notice her hotness.


we'll just have to agree to disagree on this.

my experience is that women who are very attractive are definitely aware of this and are aware of how it impacts various situations they find themselves in. 

when they wear a potato sack, they are wearing it with the INTENTION of downplaying their attractiveness. when they dress "cute" they are doing it with the intention of emphasizing their attractiveness. 

Again, I'm not saying OP's husband's reaction was appropriate.

I'm just saying if you are a woman who thinks if she's left alone for 10 minutes in a bikini that you'll be hit on, you can't really pretend to be unaware of the attention you would draw when you go to a work event in a bikini.

Seems like OP actually understands this as well. Again, doesn't excuse her husband's tantrum.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Wow-

I wouldn't "throw the baby [marriage] out with the bath water" based in this situation. New and different situations will arise throughout your marriage. It's what you and your husband do and learn about yourselves and each other that will give you insight on the strength your relationship has.

Over-reactions are often rooted in something historical. It could be from his past (before you) or earlier on in your relationship. Now that you are married, it may have been exacerbated.

Your husband was disrespectful in his reaction and projections and he needs to own that. I get the sense that he wants some reassurance that you want to protect your marriage. That means talking about boundaries.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
OK, as a manager I wouldn't go along with a company party involving swimsuits - but that is because I have to be paranoid about harassment etc. It isn't a "bad" idea, and I would have no negative feelings about someone who suggested it - I'd just thank them for the suggestion but say that there is too much potential for problems. 

If at home my wife suggested this, my reaction would be similar. I'd mention that the company might reasonably turn it down, but I'd NEVER suggest that she was using this as an excuse to show off her body to seduce other men.


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## Bonnie0108 (May 13, 2016)

norajane said:


> In fact, a hot woman would likely NOT be _seeking _those reactions because she gets them all the time anyway, even when wearing a potato sack.


You hit the nail on the head. I actually am pretty introverted and I really don't like attention and often times even feel a little on the socially awkward side.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Sounds to me like you didn't think through your suggestion before you made it, AND your husband went overboard in his reaction. 
If you feel the same just tell hubby you didn't think it through before you spoke up and upon reflection it was a mistake and you apologize. He'll get a little from you which should make him feel secure. Then tell him the **** comment was completely out of line and really hurt you. If at that point he doesn't apologize then you definitely need to address his possessive issues in counseling (probably should anyway). 

I'm a bit insecure in the same manner as your husband. Mine stems from never being told "everything" and always doubting I'm getting the whole story, because in the past I haven't. Trickle truth just reinforces it for me, unfortunately, whether it's intentional or not.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Sounds to me like you didn't think through your suggestion before you made it, AND your husband went overboard in his reaction.
> If you feel the same just tell hubby you didn't think it through before you spoke up and upon reflection it was a mistake and you apologize. He'll get a little from you which should make him feel secure. Then tell him the **** comment was completely out of line and really hurt you. If at that point he doesn't apologize then you definitely need to address his possessive issues in counseling (probably should anyway).
> 
> I'm a bit insecure in the same manner as your husband. Mine stems from never being told "everything" and always doubting I'm getting the whole story, because in the past I haven't. Trickle truth just reinforces it for me, unfortunately, whether it's intentional or not.


Exactly!

My ex was/is a compulsive liar (from small things to big whoppers)...this wound carries forward and I need radical honesty and transparency (otherwise I can feel very unsettled...unsafe). Sometimes, even though I'm still working through this...I can make a mountain out of a molehill... fortunately I now have a husband who communicates with me (calls me out on my stuff at the same time reassuring me). I have done the same for him on his "messiness"...and WE (him, myself, and our coupleship) are better people when we reach the other side.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

he will only get worse. start an exit plan.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

norajane said:


> Lol, my global company's big annual award to the sales people is a free trip to Hawaii, everyone stays at the same hotel, and lots of group activities. Swimsuits for everyone!
> .


Could be worse. A few years ago said party for my company was done on a cruise ship. The same week a major GLBT convention was taking place on the same ship


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Bonnie0108 said:


> He does have a history of being jealous and gets angry pretty easily. I have never acted in a manner with coworkers that makes him uncomfortable, until now if you consider this a case.


Before you know it he won't let you leave the house in anything less than a turtleneck sweater and baggy pants.

You think it's not going to get a lot worse?

Think again.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Bonnie0108 said:


> Hi all. I have been married since April 9th of this year (but we have been together for 5 years, lived together for 3) and had my first big fight with my husband. My team at work does quarterly team builders and are always looking for suggestions or new ideas. Someone mentioned hitting the lake, I suggested a water park (reside in AZ). In a casual conversation with my husband about our days at work, I mentioned how I suggested going to a water park next month for our team builder and he blew a gasket. He asked me why I wanted to be seen in my bathing suit around coworkers (honestly, that thought really didn't cross my mind - I was just thinking of something 'different' my team could do for when it is so hot outside) and used the metaphor, "single ****s make suggestions like that." He said to figure out dinner on my own tonight and that he didn't want to see me this weekend. I can understand why he is upset after hearing his perspective, but I think he is being a little over the top about it. Is what I did truly wrong or do you think he really is overreacting?


I'd show up in a Speedo for sure. 

Anyway, after reading your other post about the week your H has really done a turn on you. Almost like accusatory of something that has not even happened! You need to nip that in the arse right now. You need to see what is really going on in his head. Your H is now nothing short of getting verbally abusive with angry outbursts.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Annulment.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I can understand the part where he wouldn't want your co-workers seeing you in a bikini. 
But overreacting about bikini on honeymoon??
He has issues. Either control or self esteem.
Did he have these reactions before you were married?
I doubt he will get help & will start to put you down in the future, calling you ugly etc. To keep you in his control. 
Be careful he doesn't try to isolate you from your family & friends.



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