# deleted



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If she is willing to work on her anger management and such with a professional that is good provided she actually does it and improves.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I disagree. 

Run, it won't get better.

These personality traits are ingrained. 

Not married, no kids, RUN!


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Lots of red flags there, I wouldn’t take this relationship further.
But what is that makes you want to stay?

The things you described look like pretty serious issues. Does her good qualities outweigh the bad or something?

Waiting for a therapist to fix her is a perilous journey. I wouldn’t recommend doing that unless she’s really worth the wait.


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Sorry, I only made it to the third paragraph. Do both of you a favor and end it. What you are describing will not end anywhere close to well.


----------



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Dude, if its bad now and you aren't even married yet, its only gonna get worse. Trust me. I am on marriage #2 and all the issues in this one only arose after a few years together. (crappy sex ife, she doesn't work) and it all seemed GREAT when we were dating and engaged.

PLEASE do not get married or you WILL regret it. She'll wait until you say "I do" and then leave and take half your stuff.

Don't do it.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I disagree.
> 
> Run, it won't get better.
> 
> ...


^^This. Absolutely, unequivocally, this.


----------



## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

treevid said:


> I continue to feel somewhat suffocated by her; the problem didn't get better over time despite us living together.


It won't. She expects you to be available to her when she wants. In a healthy relationship there should be some freedom to see friends, do the hobbies you wish, as long as you are still making time for your partner too. If you take one evening out of 7 for yourself and she does this and makes you feel guilty, she will always do this.



treevid said:


> my trust in her was permanently damaged


This is significant. Do you really want to start a marriage with someone you do not trust? 



treevid said:


> her continuing to bring up her ex-boyfriends even when I tell her not to and that it makes me uncomfortable.


Unfortunately this is unlikely to get better. 
She sounds childish and manipulative. This isn't how adult conversations should happen. Someone who loves and respects you will not try to manipulate you with threats of leaving, or make you feel guilty for taking a couple of hours for hobbies, seeing friends etc. Even if she gets counselling for her anger management, there are more issues at play here.

If you feel like this now, you should end it.


----------



## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

She has very unrealistic expectations for a relationship and is manipulative in her quest to make you meet these expectations. I would put marriage on hold, at the very least. Maybe some pre-marital counseling along with her therapy?

As it stands right now, she will expect you to meet every single need, desire, and mood flawlessly, relentlessly. One person is simply not capable of doing all that no matter how much they might love someone.

She has to find happiness and love and security in herself first.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

treevid said:


> Hi, thanks for reading. I'm a male in my early 30s, dating a woman in her mid 30s, together 2 years and engaged a few months, living together for nearly a year. I'm with a beautiful, caring, funny woman that has many great qualities but also some very immature and possibly abusive habits. The question I'm asking is should I leave this relationship, for my own good?
> 
> I've had some hesitations about marrying her since the beginning but I knew that no relationship is perfect and was willing to overlook them. Initially, I felt that she had a desire to always be around me and limit my contact with others (unless she could be there). This often lead to arguments when I told her I felt this way. For example, If I came over 4 nights per week, one on of the other nights she would complain about how little I see her, often exaggerating and saying things like (paraphrase) "what's the point of even being in a relationship if we're barely together?" Other times she would express her displeasure for my visiting a friend (whom I rarely see) instead of coming home after work. She is obviously very insecure. Based on her reactions, I felt pressure to see my friends and some family less often, and do my hobbies less than I would like to. I continue to feel somewhat suffocated by her; the problem didn't get better over time despite us living together.
> 
> ...


If this much trouble this early, abandon ship.


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

treevid said:


> When she is in a good mood (maybe 40-50% of the time), she's warm, generous, and flexible in some ways. She is funny and thinks I'm funny. She's also good with a lot of my family, and she helps me be more social as I'm introverted. Our lives are intertwined, we have a dog, so breaking up would mean the loss of all the good things. That's why I'm having such a hard time with this. She's been on her best behavior since I had the talk recently, making things even harder because I'm seeing her good side consistently.


An abused wife will often say "When he's not drinking he is a loving man".
Should she stay in that situation?

I say no.

You'll have to decide if the fight for her is worth it, but there's a lot of experienced people here telling you that the cost (in pain) for you will be too high and can very well end in disaster anyway.

best of luck to you OP.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

treevid said:


> When she is in a good mood (maybe 40-50% of the time), she's warm, generous, and flexible in some ways. She is funny and thinks I'm funny. She's also good with a lot of my family, and she helps me be more social as I'm introverted. Our lives are intertwined, we have a dog, so breaking up would mean the loss of all the good things. That's why I'm having such a hard time with this. She's been on her best behavior since I had the talk recently, making things even harder because I'm seeing her good side consistently.


So you are settling for someone who is in a good mood and not toxic half, or less than half of the time?

You might rant to explore individual counseling to explore why your relationship bar is set so very low.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Talk to her about premarital counseling. My faith requires it before you can marry in our Church. It was quite enlightening.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

D0nnivain said:


> Talk to her about premarital counseling. My faith requires it before you can marry in our Church. It was quite enlightening.


Premarital counseling isn't going to fix these personality issues.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She has too many insecurities and jealousies to ever be in a healthy relationship. On top of that, her clinginess is straight-up abuse, not wanting you to do anything without her at all, wanting to keep you from seeing friends. That's just abuse and it's all just her deciding that it's okay to treat you any old which way in order to alleviate her anxieties is okay -- but it's not. She's the one who needs to be in therapy, but that type thing is hard to change. She will keep you isolated, which is one of the main bases for abuse, just to keep herself from feeling anxious. She's too messed up. That would drive you crazy and already is, so do not marry her. You'd be better off just getting up your nerve to dump her -- and that won't be easy. She'll likely turn into a stalker when you do, so just get ready.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Premarital counseling isn't going to fix these personality issues.



You don't know that. She may not be self-aware enough to know that her shouting causes more problems or that she can't control every person her SO interacts with. Pre-martial counseling may help bring some issues to the forefront along with possible resolutions. Trying that is better than just giving up. 

However if the GF/FI doesn't acknowledge her own fault in here walking away is a good idea.


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She'll likely turn into a stalker when you do, so just get ready.


She can't seem to detach from her ex's either, maintains contact with them


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

D0nnivain said:


> You don't know that. She may not be self-aware enough to know that her shouting causes more problems or that she can't control every person her SO interacts with. Pre-martial counseling may help bring some issues to the forefront along with possible resolutions. Trying that is better than just giving up.
> 
> However if the GF/FI doesn't acknowledge her own fault in here walking away is a good idea.


Yeah okay.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Bringing up the amount of time together is called the SUNK COST fallacy....don't make decisions based on being 2 years in.

With how many people in the world there are without this problem, I would exit your current relationship and find someone that isn't a work in progress.

You can't fix her, and being hopeful that someone will change NEVER works. It only gets worse after marriage.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Leave. And don’t give her the opportunity to talk you into staying because she will.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

treevid said:


> She pleads that we have sessions in couples therapy before ending it. She also cried and said she has been told in the past by family/others that her anger is an issue but didn't realize it was this serious and wants to get help/trauma-based therapy again, which she already did in the past. She also wants to work on expanding her life, she can't figure out why she has been leaning on me to help her have day-to-day activities and meaning, and she acknowledged it could be suffocating me. She is saying she wants to get better, improve these things, and begs for my patience.


Marriage is a life long commitment. This may be the kick in pants she needs to change. Compared to the 2 years & the possibility of forever, what have you got to lose by trying therapy before you throw in the towel? It may only delay the inevitable but it should help you to have fewer regrets. You can know you tried.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

treevid said:


> She can't seem to detach from her ex's either, maintains contact with them


With that type of personality, the longer you allow them to have contact with you ever be to end contact. They will even interfere with your new relationships if you let them have any window into your life. So you would be wise to make a clean break which included her not being able to see your social Media or continuing to contact you which will be toxic to any future relationships.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> Marriage is a life long commitment. This may be the kick in pants she needs to change. Compared to the 2 years & the possibility of forever, what have you got to lose by trying therapy before you throw in the towel? It may only delay the inevitable but it should help you to have fewer regrets. You can know you tried.


I agree, people can change if they have proper counseling and motivation.

However, OP…don’t marry her until it’s complete!!
You have to decide if she’s worth the wait. Many here will say “ditch the ummm, person”. I say yes, do that if you aren’t relatively confident she can be who you need.

But keeping her is a HUGE risk. Be aware you could waste literally years waiting only to have her get fixed and no longer desire you. People changing is a risk.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

treevid said:


> When she is in a good mood (maybe 40-50% of the time), she's warm, generous, and flexible in some ways. She is funny and thinks I'm funny. She's also good with a lot of my family, and she helps me be more social as I'm introverted. Our lives are intertwined, we have a dog, so breaking up would mean the loss of all the good things. That's why I'm having such a hard time with this. She's been on her best behavior since I had the talk recently, making things even harder because I'm seeing her good side consistently.


Just think, as bad as this is it will NEVER be better than now. 60% of your life will suck.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

The reason you feel "suffocated" by her is she's suffocating you. This is not love. There's no trust. Not married and no kids I would hit the eject button. This will NOT get better over time. Only worse. You're at the fork in the road. Choose wisely.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

treevid said:


> She can't seem to detach from her ex's either, maintains contact with them.


And you're putting up with this because ...?????? Completely inappropriate. 

STABILITY. If you want it in your marriage, this woman isn't it. Sure, she's crying and repenting. But that's talk and talk is cheap. Don't marry here until - and unless - you see sincere, consistent change. Without that, I'd suggest you start looking for the exit door.

P.S. - Tell her to torpedo all her ex's.


----------



## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

treevid said:


> Hi, thanks for reading. I'm a male in my early 30s, dating a woman in her mid 30s, together 2 years and engaged a few months, living together for nearly a year. I'm with a beautiful, caring, funny woman that has many great qualities but also some very immature and possibly abusive habits. The question I'm asking is should I leave this relationship, for my own good?
> 
> I've had some hesitations about marrying her since the beginning but I knew that no relationship is perfect and was willing to overlook them. Initially, I felt that she had a desire to always be around me and limit my contact with others (unless she could be there). This often lead to arguments when I told her I felt this way. For example, If I came over 4 nights per week, one on of the other nights she would complain about how little I see her, often exaggerating and saying things like (paraphrase) "what's the point of even being in a relationship if we're barely together?" Other times she would express her displeasure for my visiting a friend (whom I rarely see) instead of coming home after work. She is obviously very insecure. Based on her reactions, I felt pressure to see my friends and some family less often, and do my hobbies less than I would like to. I continue to feel somewhat suffocated by her; the problem didn't get better over time despite us living together.
> 
> ...


Part ways you cannot fix her. Yes her patterns of behavior will continue. The situation may improve *temporarily* if you are prepared to leave her. She will always revert when she believes you will not leave.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

While all relationships will have ups and downs, and need to be tended and worked on, a relationship should not be hard work, all the time. 

One of the best things about our marriage is that most of the time its easy and peaceful. Yours sounds anything but. Never bet on the potential. If you can't handle things as they are right now, end it.


----------



## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

I'm betting you have a lot stress and anxiety on the way to see her or with her.

She should be ENCOURAGING you see spend time with your friends on those occasional times.

She should complement.your life. 

This insecurity in her will take years (and alone time) to work through.

I'm also worried about how the breakup will go...might want to keep an audio recorder on your phone at the least.

Read up on Love vs Fear in relationships. Fear has obligations and expectations.

And watch coach Greg Adams on YT. And Taylor the Fiend. 

You can't imagine the suffering possibly ahead for you.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

treevid said:


> She can't seem to detach from her ex's either, maintains contact with them


Good god! Exit stage left. Drop the hopium pipe.


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## April Midnight (10 mo ago)

x


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

treevid said:


> I gave up after a while because its too much emotional energy to keep confronting it without change.


Completely understandable. The thing is, if there is no change from her - and you feel she needs to change for the relationship to survive - then you set boundaries. No threats. Just plainly tell her what you will and will not accept in the relationship. If she doesn't want to respect your boundaries, that's fine too. That's when you reassess and decide if you really want to stay.


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

treevid said:


> Update-
> 
> She's been out of town and I've been talking with friends, family, and my old therapist (who 1 year ago initially encouraged me to stay in the relationship when I had doubts). Now that I've been honest with them it's become clear to me that this is a turbulent, emotionally abusive relationship that isn't healthy and I've been manipulated into staying. I want to escape the cycle. I'm building up the insight and courage to leave, planning to this weekend. I'm not a failure for leaving and I deserve peace & stability.
> 
> Thanks for all your help.


I’m glad you came to a decision, that alone should make you feel better.

I‘m no personality expert but I suspect that your GF won’t let you go quite so easily. She’s seems pretty accustomed to manipulating you and getting her way, and also you can see how she maintains relationships with her exs. That’s no accident, I would wager she needs to feel some amount of control over them through those relationships.

So brace yourself for this to be a tough separation, as opposed to simply walking away.

You are right, you are not a failure. Maybe talk to your therapist about how you didn’t see the signs in this woman before. Maybe she was really really good at hiding them and manipulating you, or, maybe you saw what you wanted to see. But her behavior and treatment of you that brings this to an end…not your fault. Her part of the 50% is lacking drastically.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

treevid said:


> I'm struggling because we live together and she is on her best behavior, trying to get me to go to couples therapy, but I'm slowly realizing that I don't think I want to go down this road.


There in lies your answer. You are done & have no more energy to try fix this so don't. Just be done. 




treevid said:


> She's been out of town and I've been talking with friends, family, and my old therapist (who 1 year ago initially encouraged me to stay in the relationship when I had doubts). Now that I've been honest with them it's become clear to me that this is a turbulent, emotionally abusive relationship that isn't healthy and I've been manipulated into staying. I want to escape the cycle. I'm building up the insight and courage to leave, planning to this weekend. I'm not a failure for leaving and I deserve peace & stability.


Sounds like you made up your mind, which is good. You are moving forward. 

Just a word of caution. You live together. Depending on how that relationship is structured, just walking away may not be that easy. If the lease is in your name, you will still owe the rent. Whose name is on the bills etc.? Don't destroy your finances just to escape more quickly. Get out smart, not necessarily fast.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

treevid said:


> When she is in a good mood (maybe 40-50% of the time), she's warm, generous, and flexible in some ways. She is funny and thinks I'm funny. She's also good with a lot of my family, and she helps me be more social as I'm introverted. Our lives are intertwined, we have a dog, so breaking up would mean the loss of all the good things. That's why I'm having such a hard time with this. She's been on her best behavior since I had the talk recently, making things even harder because I'm seeing her good side consistently.


Ted Bundy was very courteous, respectful, outgoing and charming. While going to school for pre-law, he worked at a suicide hotline and would walk female coworkers out to their car at night so they would feel safe.

This was during the times he wasn’t raping, beating and killing numerous women and burying them in shallow graves in the woods. 

He was also on his best behavior when called out and facing consequences. He was so thorough and competent in the court that the judge complimented him on his legal and procedural prowess, before sentencing to death. 

He was nice and charming and pleasant a good 90% of the time. So one of the nation’s most prolific serial killers was nice a lot more of the time than your GF.


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

treevid said:


> I do plan on working on my character flaws that set me up for this. I can see that I need to be more assertive from the beginning with what I need, and make clearer boundaries. I'm sure there's more to uncover.
> 
> I'm not looking forward to the talk, splitting/selling our assets, finding a sublettor, dealing with the dog, etc. I'm also praying that she has her period this week and isn't pregnant as we had been looser with the birth control since we were planning on getting married soon (go easy on me, please), the stress can be overwhelming. I'm trying to take it one day at a time.


Put the ‘why did I allow this’ kind of work on the back burner for now. You just need to be hyper-focused on the split as you mentioned. You could consult with a lawyer to understand the work if you’re unclear or need guidance (even though you aren’’t married).

Stress can be overwhelming and that’s a good point.
Going through the process can be hard and overwhelming, especially people like your GF. Make extra time to take care of yourself and surround yourself with friends & family who support you.

It might be a little “overkill” because 2y GF is not the same as a 30y M. But the pain can be the same and the support needed can be the same. Essentially just do what’s right for yourself and take care of you as you go throught the breakup. That’s the main thing.

Good luck about the period. THAT will complicate things if it goes wrong.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Fingers crossed that she's not pregnant. Do address all the practical aspects of splitting up -- sublease, dog etc. When that is finished you can deal with the soul searching & rebuilding. 

Good luck.


----------



## April Midnight (10 mo ago)

treevid said:


> Wow, thank you for sharing, your story is moving. We have similar situations and it's helpful to see the details you went through and that it didn't change over time, even significantly worsened. Calling out another's name during climax sounds horrible, not to mention the other abusive things he says. I hope you're able to find peace and rediscover yourself. I'm struggling because we live together and she is on her best behavior, trying to get me to go to couples therapy, but I'm slowly realizing that I don't think I want to go down this road. Luckily we will have some time apart so hopefully I can see what's going on more clearly, as I haven't had a day without talking to her since we met and haven't had a day to myself for 9 months since we moved in together.
> 
> Take care and be well.


Like yourself I'm still living with my husband (34yrs), and I knew in the early names once we started living together things had changed but put it down to the fact we just moved in, married and he was now in business partnership with his dad. We've had our not so bad moments and I kind of looked at it and thought everyone has **** days, but then the internet happened and you realise yes but there is a 'right way and a wrong way' to argue.

But after such a long period of time for me it's having the courage to take the step and leave, that's why I say to you... go for it, and reading your last post you are. You're not a failure, you just put your love and trust in to someone who took advantage, and saying anything earlier would not have made any difference... it's just being aware that a relationship needs to work for both, so when someone says 'You should never have married me if you don't want the things I want'... but forgot to ask you what you wanted!!

If I pluck up the courage and leave the one thing I will take with me is, the minute someone says 'why should I go to that place or do that thing with you, it's not my thing', when you've done what they want... I will run for those hills!

Keeping everything crossed and hope this weekend goes as best it can


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

treevid said:


> We had our talk and it was really, really hard. She again tried to convince me to stay, talked about all the things she liked about me, told me all relationships are hard and that there’s really no easier way.
> 
> I felt extremely sad, like a loss. I thought about all the good times we’ve had and all the good qualities about her, especially how our senses of humor click really well. I told her my reasons again and she thought they were all workable, but I told her I didn’t want to start a marriage having to do all this work and waiting and that’s before even having kids.
> 
> It helped me to remember some of the things I read here, about how these things she does aren’t OK and probably won’t change, and that she’s only addressing them because she’s threatened with losing the relationship. Overall though, I’m still pretty devastated.


@treevid I feel sadness at the loss of a your relationship, but happy that you had didnt commit to marriage at this point.

People are valuable and shouldn’t be “throwaway” objects, but the question here is whether she could/would change into a better person, and whether you could wait for that. Sadly, it seems not but I applaud you making the decision for yourself. And I hope your ex gets the help she needs.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

treevid said:


> I'm also praying that she has her period this week and isn't pregnant as we had been looser with the birth control


Hope this works out as well, that snagging you by getting pregnant wasn't part of her plan. BTW, from the threads on this site, seems even if she IS pregnant, you would be far better off paying support and sharing custody than marrying her. In the former you are just an unwed father, in control of your life otherwise.


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Hugs. MC & therapy would not change things. You can be sad for the loss of something that should have been permanent but grieving is not a reason to stay. Be strong. Be upset but don't get back together.


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

treevid said:


> What about all of your comments to give couples counseling a try first?


In my opinion counseling in certain circumstances and/or dynamics could be very beneficial to couples 

In your particular case, I can't see a reason for counseling, or staying.
Dating is when couples find if they are compatible; you already found that you are not, regardless of feelings and emotional attachments.

You are at a stage where you should be over the moon with each other, but the sad reality (because that's the reality) is that you already are like an old couple that kept the relationship due to kids, finances, societal pressures, etc., when in reality they just let their life pass them by miserably.

Don't be that couple. You just can't let emotions overrule common sense. Remember, the first law of nature is "me first". When people put others first, then, they're setting themselves up for failure. Don't try to overrule nature, it'll be your doom.

You've been warned plenty already. It would be a shame to see you back here years from now saddled with kids, finances, motgage, etc., and ready to eff yourself because you just can't continue in the relationship.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> In my opinion counseling in certain circumstances and/or dynamics could be very beneficial to couples
> 
> In your particular case, I can't see a reason for counseling, or staying.
> Dating is when couples find if they are compatible; you already found that you are not, regardless of feelings and emotional attachments.
> ...


Absolutely great advice here OP.

Couples Counseling is not the right answer her problems are hers alone, not yours as a couple.

In my opinion, if counseling were to be a help, it would be individual counseling for her to get into what is behind this behavior. This could potentially take years, and may not have a good outcome even then. The other risk is that she could evolve into a whole different person, and you wouldn’t be compatible anymore.

It’s your choice of course if you want to wait for that. It’s your life, do as you please.
I‘m not sure I would. But I do hope she gets help.


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

treevid said:


> I have more to reveal.
> 
> Im a psychiatrist. My mother lived with undiagnosed borderline personality disorder (BPD) which wrecked havoc on our lives (mood swings, addiction, anger, pseudo psychotic statements, unstable relationships, devaluing and idealizing others, etc). Figuring out her diagnosis is what inspired my interest in the field.
> 
> ...


OP, no offence here, just my perspective and experience in life. I, personally try to stay away from people in the mental health business because I certainly been exposed to so many people wanting to go into the psychiatry/psychology fields, people that often are so messed up themselves that they try to compensate for their inner problems by going into those fields. There are so many, and I mean so many people in those fields that don't or shouldn't be there just in principle.

Having said that: still, it's irrelevant whatever excuses or point of views you two want to rationalize as to what the problems might or might not be. The bottom line is that you guys have so many issues between yourselves that it's just a given that you two don't belong together, unless you want a lifetime of analyzing, overanalyzing, diagnosing your combine issues to just tell yourselves, Oh, is this, and that, we should do this and that!!! Seriously dude, as an outsider I can actually see it clear. You in the other hand, are being like the foolish lawyer representing himself/herself in court. Please, do not auto diagnose, that's foolish. Love and relationship cannot, does not need to be this complicated. It should be an organic, easy feeling that carries forward, not some auto-diagnose, inject the corresponding dose and follow treatment/adjustment of the dose.


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

treevid said:


> *I obviously have analysis paralysis,* so thanks for your perspective. I wonder if you’re saving me from decades of pain. I will try to hold strong with the break. I know it’s not good to diagnose or treat your own family, and I don’t want to constantly be trying to fix her.


It's basis Psychology 101: Fear, just fear to extract yourself from a situation to which you've been accustomed for some time, and afraid of what's ahead. you want to be drawback into the known, rather than to face the unknown.


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Not knowing your financial situation, I wonder how an early lease termination would go? Can you do that? Have you asked? Are the penalties so stiff, that economically you can't do it?

If no alternative, can you break the lease citing hardship to see if the leasing company could aliviate with a compromise?

I can't think of anything else, other than moving with the parents for a couple of months if possible. 

I feel so sorry for her. It has to be so heartbreaking, but you need to fend for yourself.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

When you approach her about a concern and she tells you your feelings aren’t valid - that’s enough to encourage anyone to leave the relationship.
It shouldn’t be this hard to work through disagreements. But her yelling at you would be a deal breaker for sure. When any person can’t express their feelings about a situation without raising their voice - that’s it for me - I’m out!

no one is allowed to yell at me.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Tell her a moving van is arriving this weekend to move her stuff. Then do that.
Change the locks when she leaves.

she seriously disrespecting you by not leaving!


----------



## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

treevid said:


> Good news is she's not pregnant and we were able to take care of the dog situation. Bad news is there are 3 months left on the lease. I had said I would take over double rent and take her name off the lease, and she initially agreed because she quit her job here but I have to work here.
> 
> I had asked her to move out and have her stuff out by 2 weeks. She is refusing to do this, taking her time and not providing me details. It's extremely frustrating. She paid rent for the whole month without us agreeing to it. She has been trying to get back together (e.g. was putting out pictures of us) and I've repeatedly had to hammer home that it's not on the table. Any tips/tricks?
> 
> 😞😩


She is not providing you details. Likely there are no details to provide as she is not making preparations to leave.

She paid the rent for the whole month. Doesn't sound like she is planning to leave for at least the month if at all.

She has been trying to get back together with you despite your refusing.

If possible stay elsewhere until she moves out or the lease is up. Also be wary of spending time alone with her. False allegations of abuse or violence can be levelled against you to derail your plans. Especially if she comes to some sort of recognition that she has lost all _control_ over you and that you are parting ways. You may wish to carry a voice activated recorder on with you at all times. Perhaps set up some discreet cameras at home so that you will not necessarily lose a game of he said, she said.


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Maybe you aren’t making her uncomfortable enough to leave? People don’t change unless they are uncomfortable.
I’m not saying be mean - I’m just saying she’s still too comfortable to want to go. So start making it uncomfortable… maybe plan a few night of friends coming over. Maybe bring a date back to your place? Maybe treat her like she should be gone.


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

treevid said:


> The separation is complete now, she got the message. Poor girl was in shock and denial. She's gone and off lease. It's an emotional rollercoaster, lots of feelings, a lot of guilt, sadness, mourning of all the good things and what could have been. Some relief


Yea, separation is hard for sure. You did care about this girl after all. But I looked back at your original post at all the nonsense. Staying and marrying would have been harder. Divorcing when you couldn’t take it anymore…way harder. 

This separation was the best way. The only way really. Now find happiness.
Best of luck to you OP.


----------



## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

treevid said:


> The separation is complete now, she got the message. Poor girl was in shock and denial. She's gone and off lease. It's an emotional rollercoaster, lots of feelings, a lot of guilt, sadness, mourning of all the good things and what could have been. Some relief


What could have been... an ongoing nightmare for you. What could have been is a pipe dream where effort is not equally applied by both parties. You gave and she took and gave little in return. You have lost nothing. Give yourself some time away from her and watch how _some_ relief turns into *great* relief.

She is in shock, that she has lost _control_ over you.

If she is off the lease and out, change the locks to the residence. Strays have a habit of coming back unannounced and causing all sorts of havoc and damage.


----------



## Ladyrare (Aug 30, 2021)

treevid said:


> The separation is complete now, she got the message. Poor girl was in shock and denial. She's gone and off lease. It's an emotional rollercoaster, lots of feelings, a lot of guilt, sadness, mourning of all the good things and what could have been. Some relief


Look at the separation time as a chance to look back, take a look at where you have been, and then map out the path to where you are going.


----------



## treevid (10 mo ago)

deleted


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

treevid said:


> Thanks, yes the relief has grown actually. I did change the locks. She requested additional money and I gave it to her, and now I'm able to move on. Some close to me are saying I dodged a bullet.


As sad as it might be, from what you explained about her behavior, you indeed dodged a bullet in the long run.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I see too many red flags. If she is like this now, imagine in two years...five years. Things could get better but I’m not feeling it. It will be sad to break up but sadder if you overlook the red flags and end up divorcing. No one is perfect, but it sounds like a path towards too much drama and toxicity over time.

Edit - I see you left - good choice!


----------

