# Wife Says She's Lost Herself; Married 9 Months



## onewithquestions (Aug 8, 2014)

First time poster and thanks in advanced for the advice and kind words!

So the love of my life, my wife, and I are newly weds and have been married for 9 months now. We are best buds and our sense of humor together is so amazing. We joke in a way that people do not understand and its the most amazing feeling feeling ever. We got married fairly young, I was 26 and she was 22. 

My now wife and I were dating for about a year and a half before we got engaged. We moved in together shortly after getting engaged and it was a day that we had been talking about since our 3 month dating anniversary. We had known then that we wanted to spend the rest of our live together. My wife, or the girlfriend, had told me through out dating that I was so much different than all other boyfriends. I was always nice to her, she always trusted me, never worried if I was going to talk bad about her behind her back. There is a lot that she loved about me that she didn't see in any other guys she had dated. She said the first time that she fell in love with me was when she was sick one day. I had gone out and got her medicine and took car of her at her moms house all day. That was 2 months into our relationship. A month later, I finally told her those words... "I love you." It was an amazing feeling and she said she loved me too. 


So going back a little bit. I forgot to mention that my wife is my friend from high school's cousin. We had know of each other for a while but had never really started talking until she was 19. I use to be a party boy. I was popular with the women and an outgoing, likable guy. I had found it hard to date women because I never found one who had a sense of humor like me. A woman that just understood the person I was. Her and I all started with a Facebook message. I was bored at an internship one day and say that she was on the messenger. I had seen her a few weeks prior at her cousin's birthday party. I have to say, the first time I saw her in person, she blew my mind. She's beautiful, i heard how her sense of humor was, she was outgoing and those eyes. OMG those eyes of hers are so beautiful. So I messaged her on Facebook and was like I'm bored. Did you have fun at the party? BLAH BLAH and then she had to go so she gave me her number and told me to text her. We were talking on and off because I was enjoying my youth. Going out partying and all that. I knew in my heart that if I began something serious with this girl, that I would probably end up spending the rest of my life with her. She I backed off a few times because i wasn't sure if that was what I wanted. I became a chase for her. Something that she wanted but couldn't have. Eventually, after about 3 months of talking on and off, she sat me down and said lets cut the BS. I refuse to talk to you anymore if you're going to give me the run around. I didn't think she was being serious but oh boy was I wrong. She stopped paying attention to me all together until a few days I had realized that she is all I wanted. I called her and said lets see where this goes. We couldn't stop talking after that. We were a secret for a while and I finally told her cousin. He was mad at first, but knows I'm a good guy and gave me his approval. 

Moving forward through that first year and a half of dating, it was amazing. We had fallen deeply in love with each other. We were best buds, we were soul mates. She was obsessed with me and our love and vice versa.

After she moved in, I had seen that she had began struggling with the huge change in her life. She didn't like being home alone, she began having extreme anxiety and few other issues came up as well. I felt that I needed to put my full focus on her. I stopped going out as much. I began doing everything around the house including cooking, cleaning, and paying the bills. I started doing this to try and help her with her anxiety. I did it because I love her and I just wanted her to be happy. I was always saying I love you after basically each convo we had. Always cuddling, holding her had. Just trying to comfort her during her hard time. 

Eventually we started having fights. The fights would start out small and blow out of proportion into something huge. We would yell at each other and she wouldn't talk to me for days, neglecting me, and saying mean terrible things to me. I would always be the blame for our problems and I was always desperate, saying I'd do anything to make sure we don't fight again. I was always just talking blame. I had heard the saying its better to be happy than right. I lived by that, but I found i wasn't being true to myself. We would be fine for a month then have another big fight and then be ok again. We had already admitted to each other that maybe we got married a little too young but it wasn't something that was going to stop us from being together. We also cam to realize that when it came to conflict, we never talked about the problem, just let it pass with out talking about it. Our communication during conflict was terrible. 

About 3 weeks ago we had the biggest fight we had. She was being rude to me, saying hurtful things. This went on for 4 days. She said she hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. I had decided that I had enough. I really wanted to test her to see how she really felt. So I got home from work, she was still being rude to me, I sat her down and said "I can't take how rude you are to me when you're mad anymore. I can't do this anymore." She then said in a angry voice: "So you're breaking up with me? Yes or No." I avoided the question at first then eventually said "Yes, I need you to leave now." She said "Fine I'm glad I don't have the blood on my hands, grabbed our dog then left." I didn't say anything, just let her leave. She came back in 5 minutes later saying "You're not even going to chase me? Do you not love me?" I said I love you but I'm over the fighting and how mean you are to me when you're mad. So no I'm not chasing you. She said fine I'm going to go pack now then. I asked her if she wanted me to leave while she did and she didn't say anything. She came down stairs crying saying that she couldn't believe that I don't want to be with her anymore. I said I do but I can't handle you being mean to me anymore when your mad. Its happened too much. So we sat for a few hours talking. This is where I have become very confused.

The summary goes that she loves me but is not as in love with me as she use to be. All the fighting and stress took a tole on that. Also, she said she feels like I'm too dependent on her and that I have been smothering her. I then respond that I was only doing it because she has been going through so much anxiety. That I stopped everything to try and help her. She said she doesn't feel like a wife because of this and that she doesn't feel deserving to wear the ring because she never feels like she helps me do anything. She said she misses missing me, being excited to see me. Like when we were dating and not living together. She says I use to have her at the palm of my hands because she was so obsessed with me and now that I do everything for her, she feels that that role has changed. That I am at the palm of her hands now and she says that she knowns that she could take advantage of that but she doesn't want to. She wants to feel like her old self again, being obsessed with me, wanting to be able to try impress me try to gain my attention. I told her that I just want her to be happy and that if its not with me then so be it. But the confusing thing is that she keeps saying I know I married you for a reason. I do not want to split up. I love being with you I just want to remember why I fell in love with you. I asked one more time if she was sure but she keeps assuring me that she wants to stay with me. 

I do agree that I smother her, but I thought it was because I was helping with her anxiety. She said she is sad that it all turned out like this, that she did not envision the first year of our marriage like this. That she is sad because she knows that we could be amazing together again. She wants to try something so that she can miss me again. Feel excited to see and tell me things again. She doesn't know what to do but she wants to try everything she can because she wants to be with me forever, happy. She wants to try one scenario where we don't talk for a week, unless there is something important or an emergency. She wants me to do my own thing. Go out with friends do my own thing at home not tell her about my week. No physical contact. Of course we can acknowledge each other but nothing too lovey dovey. She is hopping that she will have this time to miss me. Realize the things that she misses by not being around or having contact with me for a week. I asked her why she wants to take this route. She says she doesn't know but will try anything to get us back on track. She has agreed to counseling but only as a last resort if all else fails. 
*
What are your thoughts on this experiment she wants to try? Any ideas that I can pass by in addition to this one? Are we doomed? Can this be fixed. I know we both want what we use to have before this all cam up. it's just hard to know what to do, what route to take.*

Additionally, last night I was talking to her because she looked extremely exhausted. She said that she had a lot of anxiety and that she felt like she was going to explode. She said the other thing thats been bothering herself is that she feels like she's lost herself. She use to be such a happy person she said. She doesn't know why but she doesn't feel like herself anymore and that it has nothing to do with our marriage. She wants to find herself too and wants me to help her through it. How can she find herself again?

Any feed back would be greatly appreciated. We want to feel like our old selves and we know that there is so much potential to get this back on the road. Back to how it felt when we were dating. I'm just lost and don't know what direction to take...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice... Stop winging it and find a good counselor. 
C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

Has she been over protective of her phone lately?


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## onewithquestions (Aug 8, 2014)

bigbearsfan said:


> Has she been over protective of her phone lately?


No she has not. I can freely go into her phone if I chose to and she can with me as well. We have a lot of trust in each other. I even asked her if she's feeling this way because she wanted to experience other people. She said no. 

To re-clarify, she said she has no intention of leaving me or interest in other people. She says she knows she has the perfect guy but needs to remember why she fell in love with me. No that she isn't in love with me but that there is so much that happened that its clouded her feelings. Let me also add that this is the first time that we have actually have communicated our feelings without fighting. SO either way this is a huge step in our relationship compared to how we use to handle conflict or rather lack-there-of.


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

Does she work? 
Also, how much time do you spend with each other outside the home? You stated you stopped going out so much to help more, so I am assuming you were going out at night with out her?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

9 months in should be the honeymoon phase.:scratchhead:
She sounds a little BPD or something like that assuming she isn't into someone else.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

just two obvious red flags. 

You got the ILYBNILWY speech and she wants to separate, with no contact (this is very bad, this likely means she is hiding something from you). Not sure what that means after 9 months of marriage, but not a good sign.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> just two obvious red flags.
> 
> You got the ILYBNILWY speech and she wants to separate, with no contact. Not sure what that means after 9 months of marriage, but not a good sign.


:iagree::iagree:


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## onewithquestions (Aug 8, 2014)

bigbearsfan said:


> Does she work?
> Also, how much time do you spend with each other outside the home? You stated you stopped going out so much to help more, so I am assuming you were going out at night with out her?


She does work. She had a graveyard shift from 3pm to 12am. I worked from 8am to 5 pm. We hardly ever saw each other during the week for the first 9 months of living together. Then in January, they moved her to 7am-330pm. We now see each other every day of the week. Also, I was not going out at night at all. I use to go out a few times with my buddies during the week when we were dating. Now I only do this once in a blue moon. I do feel that I need to at least have a guys night once or twice a week just so that I dont seem needy or clingy. I have ready this can annoy your partner if you want to be with them 24/7. I do not feel that I do need to be with her 24/7, I honestly thought that she was the one who needed me to do that.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Welcome to the forum OP.

First thing I noticed was that things seemed to go wrong when you 2 moved in together. IMO, moving in is a prerequisite of marriage so I'm glad you did that. HOWEVER, I'm a bit disappointed that you guys didn't recognize/identify red flag while living together PRIOR to getting married.

Personally, I would've put the wedding on hold.

It also seems like moving in was around 2 year mark, which is usually the end of Honeymoon phase. I would've waited 3-4 years before making a marriage commitment (mistake on both of your parts).

Looks like your communication issues have been resolved and you are able to have a healthy/adult conversation now, so that's great. 

Personally my thoughts on "her taking a break" and "not being in love with you" are rather concerning. She still seems to think that there is HER and then there is YOU. Unfortunately that's no longer the case. You guys are both in a partnership and it's not just about HER. There is no taking breaks from marriage to "find yourself". You both need to figure things out and work on them TOGETHER, not run away from each other, that's the opposite of what should happen.

On the surface it seems to me like she no longer wants to be with you after the honeymoon phase as reality kicked in, BUT from what you are telling us, she wants to work things out, so that's a great sign.

How much time do you 2 spend together past 2-3 months? In hours per week, EXACTLY. Also, tell me what is it that you do on consistent basis to/with your wife to show her that you love her (with ACTIONS, not words)?

Right off the bat I would suggest marriage counseling ASAP.

Clearly, something is putting a lot of stress on your wife. She needs to tell you what that is, if anything. You know her well and you can sense there is something wrong. Try to put your finger on that. 

Identifying the problem is always the first step of resolving it.

Also, she said she wants to stay, and you are happy about that, but what is it that you guys will be doing differently going forward? Clearly, what you were doing didn't work too well.

If you can give me some more answers to above, I think we will be able to help you more.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

She needs to grow up!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

onewithquestions said:


> She does work. She had a graveyard shift from 3pm to 12am. I worked from 8am to 5 pm. We hardly ever saw each other during the week for the first 9 months of living together. Then in January, they moved her to 7am-330pm. We now see each other every day of the week.


This is a good change!!!



onewithquestions said:


> Also, I was not going out at night at all. I use to go out a few times with my buddies during the week when we were dating. Now I only do this once in a blue moon. I do feel that I need to at least have a guys night once or twice a week just so that I dont seem needy or clingy. I have ready this can annoy your partner if you want to be with them 24/7. I do not feel that I do need to be with her 24/7, I honestly thought that she was the one who needed me to do that.


Once or twice a week is a good number, as long as you have 5x-10x more time with your wife of course.

There is NO limit to maximum time spent with your loved one. If my wife and I can spend every min of our life together, we would/no questions asked.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> just two obvious red flags.
> 
> You got the ILYBNILWY speech and she wants to separate, with no contact (this is very bad, this likely means she is hiding something from you). Not sure what that means after 9 months of marriage, but not a good sign.


This is the feeling I'm getting.

if she wants space and time, let her have it for good!!!

Getting a feeling there might be someone else in her life......


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

onewithquestions said:


> She does work. She had a graveyard shift from 3pm to 12am. I worked from 8am to 5 pm. We hardly ever saw each other during the week for the first 9 months of living together. Then in January, they moved her to 7am-330pm. We now see each other every day of the week. Also, I was not going out at night at all. I use to go out a few times with my buddies during the week when we were dating. Now I only do this once in a blue moon. I do feel that I need to at least have a guys night once or twice a week just so that I dont seem needy or clingy. I have ready this can annoy your partner if you want to be with them 24/7. I do not feel that I do need to be with her 24/7, I honestly thought that she was the one who needed me to do that.


No what you need to do is still go out on dates with her. You guys are in your honeymoon stage. No going out without her unless you have at least one date night a week with her.

I see where your problems started was the working of two different shifts and not spend quality time together.

But 9months something is not right though, how is your sex life?


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## onewithquestions (Aug 8, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> just two obvious red flags.
> 
> You got the ILYBNILWY speech and she wants to separate, with no contact (this is very bad, this likely means she is hiding something from you). Not sure what that means after 9 months of marriage, but not a good sign.


It was different than the ILYBNILWY. Trust me I can tell. That's not just wishful thinking either. She is not hiding anything. I haven't gotten a sign at all. Plus I see her all the time. Nothing out of the ordinary has come up. I know that there is NO affair, no lies and no hiding of any sort. Remember she clarified numerous times that she does want to stay with me. She married me for a reason and even said divorce is not an option for her. She doesn't want to separate per se. She just wants to kiss me again. I also need to stop seeming so dependent because honestly I thought she wanted it and it was getting tiring. I know she is being genuine when she repeats that she wants to stay with me. I keep telling her if it feels forced then it's not fair to me and that she should leave me if it's not genuine. But she keeps saying that she knows she wants to say with me. Just wants to feel like we're dating again. Find me interesting and mysterious. Excited to see me. Wanting to impress me for attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

DoF said:


> This is the feeling I'm getting.
> 
> if she wants space and time, let her have it for good!!!
> 
> Getting a feeling there might be someone else in her life......


:iagree: There is something you are missing OP, it might be time to trust but verify!


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

OP - did things start to get worse when she moved shifts? The red flags imply potential infidelity and work place is the #1 source of it. Does she ever talk about dudes at work, especially one in particular? Did she stop talking about a dude anymore?


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

onewithquestions said:


> It was different than the ILYBNILWY. Trust me I can tell. That's not just wishful thinking either. She is not hiding anything. I haven't gotten a sign at all. Plus I see her all the time. Nothing out of the ordinary has come up. I know that there is NO affair, no lies and no hiding of any sort. Remember she clarified numerous times that she does want to stay with me. She married me for a reason and even said divorce is not an option for her. She doesn't want to separate per se. She just wants to kiss me again. I also need to stop seeming so dependent because honestly I thought she wanted it and it was getting tiring. I know she is being genuine when she repeats that she wants to stay with me. I keep telling her if it feels forced then it's not fair to me and that she should leave me if it's not genuine. But she keeps saying that she knows she wants to say with me.* Just wants to feel like we're dating again. Find me interesting and mysterious. Excited to see me. Wanting to impress me for attention.*_Posted via Mobile Device_


That last part right there is how all this affair crap starts. Something happened to where she has had her riled up! Co-worker maybe, Facebook friend. 
Never underestimate a cheater and a liar. There are a lot of stories here where OP's claimed their spouse never had time only to be blindsided.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

JMO - I would keeps eyes open for a potential OM. I woiuld not accept separation. I would work on romancing her a bit more. 

Do something like plan a date that includes dinner and dancing, without her having any idea of what is up. Give her a dress code when she gets home or a few hours before dinner. Make her a bit uncomfortable she doens't know whats up and woo her again....


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Married at 22 and dated for 1 1/2 years prior so she was 20 when you guys got together. Could just be a case where she was just to young and know that the reality of being married at 22 has hit her, she is have second thoughts.

If this is the case here you need to be prepared that she may want to leave for good.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

barbados said:


> Married at 22 and dated for 1 1/2 years prior so she was 20 when you guys got together. Could just be a case where she was just to young and know that the reality of being married at 22 has hit her, she is have second thoughts.
> 
> If this is the case here you need to be prepared that she may want to leave for good.


I would say it has MORE to do with LACK of time investment and not going over the honeymoon phase hump then it does with age.


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## onewithquestions (Aug 8, 2014)

DoF said:


> Welcome to the forum OP.
> 
> First thing I noticed was that things seemed to go wrong when you 2 moved in together. IMO, moving in is a prerequisite of marriage so I'm glad you did that. HOWEVER, I'm a bit disappointed that you guys didn't recognize/identify red flag while living together PRIOR to getting married.
> 
> ...


It does make me happy that she says she wants to stay. My concern was never if/when she is going to leave. My concern is getting back on track since she has said numerous times that she just wants to figure things out with us. It's great to hear that she doesn't want to divorce. I DID make it clear that I was not ok staying with her if she feels forced to be with me while we go through this process. I told her she needs to be fair to me as well. Even if that means we end up not together. 

Honestly, the past 2-3 months we have probably been together every day minus maybe 4 days when I had to go to a friends bachelor party. 

Through that time, it was almost 3 months of no fighting, getting a long and no issues. it seemed as if we were having fun and in love.

I even brought this to her attention and asked, "So that past 3 months when we were happy and getting along, you seemed to love me so much. Or were you just acting? She said jokingly "I may like to act but I'm not that good of an actress" Meaning that she wasnt forcing her self to appear to love me. Thats why I'm confused.



DoF said:


> This is a good change!!!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I understand this now. I do feel like we do need to have date nights. I feel as if maybe I got lazy, or too busy to try and plan date nights. I can see where some bordem could have made that spark go away. Our lack of going out at least once a week.



bigbearsfan said:


> No what you need to do is still go out on dates with her. You guys are in your honeymoon stage. No going out without her unless you have at least one date night a week with her.
> 
> I see where your problems started was the working of two different shifts and not spend quality time together.
> 
> But 9months something is not right though, how is your sex life?


The sex is good. It was more often but our job exhaust us and were too tired mostly during the week. It is about 1-2 times a week. I mean the other day (Tuesday) we had sex 2 times in a 2 hour period. Two nights ago I woke up at 3:45am in the morning with her hands down my pants and we ended up having sex. I even asked her what the 3:45 am seduction was about while we were discussing our issues yesterday and she said she wanted to try something new and different with me since shes the one that initiated it while i was sleeping.


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## onewithquestions (Aug 8, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> JMO - I would keeps eyes open for a potential OM. I woiuld not accept separation. I would work on romancing her a bit more.
> 
> Do something like plan a date that includes dinner and dancing, without her having any idea of what is up. Give her a dress code when she gets home or a few hours before dinner. Make her a bit uncomfortable she doens't know whats up and woo her again....


I do want to do this. I use to be a very confident person with ladies and with her. Not saying that I am not anymore but I feel like I have forgotten how to woo and suprise her like I use to. Like I forgot how to date her. I am scared that I do not know how to be that guy anymore. 

I need a guide as to what to do to get that back.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

"Aww....you lost yourself hon? Here, let me help you find yourself again. Just read through this annulment application I picked up at the county courthouse today. All we have to do is fill it in, file it and in a week or so you will be single again and free to go find yourself."


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## onewithquestions (Aug 8, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> OP - did things start to get worse when she moved shifts? The red flags imply potential infidelity and work place is the #1 source of it. Does she ever talk about dudes at work, especially one in particular? Did she stop talking about a dude anymore?


Nothing really changed. Just that we had more time around each other. She didn't talk about any dude at work more than any other. She talks about the males and females in her work place about the same. There was no red flags saying that she has another Male interest. Nothing at all. I do trust her and she does with me. Our issue isn't trust. And AGAIN she said she does want to stay with me, that she just wants to figure things out.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

If you have time, read MMSLP. that may help. The problem is, based on what your wrote, she likely is either in an EA or a PA or considering an affair. Wooing won't work if she is in an affair.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

A couple things jumped out at me reading your opening post:

1. Before you were engaged, her attraction to you was greatest when you were the most unavailable, the most aloof. That's classic "pickup artist" stuff, where girls are most attracted to the guys who aren't so needy, who seem like they've got a lot of girls who'd like to date them. It's interesting that when you were THAT guy is when she chased after you the hardest.

Now you're married, and you say you're kind of smothering her, giving her lots of attention. And now she's not as attracted to you. That's the opposite of your behavior when her attraction to you was at the highest level. Guys who put their women on a pedestal is a big turn-off to them.

When she was chasing you, you were the alpha lover excitement giver, now that you're married, you've become the beta provider comfort giver. And the attraction has fizzled.

I'd say it's time to get some hobbies, go out with friends, and get involved in various activities. Become more independent. I'm not talking about ignoring your wife, but cut back severely on doting all over her. Be pleasant and avoid fights and arguments, even do some things with her, but make sure you do a lot without her.


2. or.....it could be there's someone else in the picture. That's another classic reason a wife loses attraction for her husband. Do the normal secretly poring over cell phone records (calls and texts) and emails, just to make sure that's not the reason you're having your marriage problems.

ALWAYS make sure you can rule out cheating before you embark on a plan to get your wife attracted to you again. And don't ever trust that your wife will be honest with you when you ask her if there is some other guy involved. If she's cheating, then she's also probably a world-class liar.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Wanting to figure stuff out is classic cheater speak, btw. I hope I am wrong, but her words follow the cheater script too much.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

It seems maybe she liked the thrill of the chase? By you being there for her so much is the complete opposite of the chase, therefore feels smothered. 9 months is still the honeymoon stage and she should want to be around you a lot. Maybe she feels that now she's got you, she is bored and needs that spark back? It is time to have a very blunt discussion if she really is in this for the long haul before kids get involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## onewithquestions (Aug 8, 2014)

Cubby said:


> A couple things jumped out at me reading your opening post:
> 
> Before you were engaged, her attraction to you was greatest when you were the most unavailable, the most aloof. That's classic "pickup artist" stuff, where girls are most attracted to the guys who aren't so needy, who seem like they've got a lot of girls who'd like to date them. It's interesting that when you were THAT guy is when she chased after you the hardest.
> 
> ...


I Can guarantee you there is not affair and there is no intent of one right now. 

Like I said, there are hobbies that I wanted to take up and want to have guys nights again. I want to take up going to the gym 4 times a week and hanging with buddies at least once a week. 

I did explain to her that I had hobbies and other things that I wanted to do, but that when she was going through a hard time I felt the need to give that up and smother her and that became a routine for me. 

She did like the thrill of the chase... HOWEVER, she got me and had me for like 2 years before we got married and now that has changed. I think it might be from smothering her. IDK for sure. So the chase was gone long before we got married. I feel she would have gotten board long before this if the chase is all she was looking for.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

onewithquestions said:


> I understand this now. I do feel like we do need to have date nights. I feel as if maybe I got lazy, or too busy to try and plan date nights. I can see where some bordem could have made that spark go away. Our lack of going out at least once a week.


Sure, but you guys should be doing things together on regular basis.

Sports, walks/hikes.....whatever that is that you guys enjoy doing. You BOTH need to do this too (she does as much as you). Just BE TOGETHER and do something that brings you guys closer (not movies for example).

DO IT FAST!!!



onewithquestions said:


> The sex is good. It was more often but our job exhaust us and were too tired mostly during the week. It is about 1-2 times a week. I mean the other day (Tuesday) we had sex 2 times in a 2 hour period. Two nights ago I woke up at 3:45am in the morning with her hands down my pants and we ended up having sex. I even asked her what the 3:45 am seduction was about while we were discussing our issues yesterday and she said she wanted to try something new and different with me since shes the one that initiated it while i was sleeping.


1-2 times a week is not enough. Rest sounds good though, those are good things.

Regular basis!!! Also how do you/and how does she show you affection. Lead up to sex is as important as sex itself. Focus on that a bit /she should too.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

onewithquestions said:


> I do want to do this. I use to be a very confident person with ladies and with her. Not saying that I am not anymore but I feel like I have forgotten how to woo and suprise her like I use to. Like I forgot how to date her. I am scared that I do not know how to be that guy anymore.
> 
> I need a guide as to what to do to get that back.


You are not a big of "ladies man" as you make yourself out to be.

You need to work HARD each and every day on your relationship. Marriage requires constant work!!!

Think about it, do you picture yourself with this woman DEEP into your older years? What will you guys be doing together? 

I know these are all hard questions for you right now, and I guarantee you that once you are into mid 30s you will be able to answer them better. But it's never too early to get to work now.

Take her to a special place/vacation.
Do a picnic/cook something good.
Go for a hike
Fishing? maybe a kayak

I always recommend things that evolve around nature. When I was your age I used to hate nature, now it's the center of my universe. Enjoy what this planet has given you for free, these are the most priceless things you have.



You have to get creative!!!

But don't forget, it's a 50/50 balance. It's as much on HER as it is on YOU. Do NOT let the balance tip to either side, or your marriage is in trouble (when it comes to ANYTHING really).


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

onewithquestions said:


> I Can guarantee you there is not affair and there is no intent of one right now.
> 
> Like I said, there are hobbies that I wanted to take up and want to have guys nights again. I want to take up going to the gym 4 times a week and hanging with buddies at least once a week.
> 
> ...


Forget about guys night out, that sounds childish. Also do NOT label it "guys night out".

How about you bring your girl along WITH you?

How about you ask her to come to the gym WITH you?

How about you involve her in your hobbies, be active with hers?

You see, marriage is all about companionship/compromise. You said you guys were best buds, yet, everything you say point to the opposite.

Are your friends married? Are your friends, friends of your marriage? Where do you guys go when you go out?


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

onewithquestions said:


> I Can guarantee you there is not affair and there is no intent of one right now.
> 
> Like I said, there are hobbies that I wanted to take up and want to have guys nights again. I want to take up going to the gym 4 times a week and hanging with buddies at least once a week.
> 
> ...


onewithquestions, personally I think it's the smothering issue, BUT....even though you guarantee there's nobody else involved with her, just to really make sure 100 percent, you have to quietly check the phone records and emails. Trust...but verify. Anyone who's been around the "coping with infidelity" forum here for awhile who's reading this knows that it's amazing how many guys who "knew" without a shadow of doubt that their wife wasn't cheating or could never do it, discovered, to their astonishment, that they were wrong.

Again, not saying she's cheating or thinking about it, just saying it's very easy to check, costs nothing, and allows you to narrow down the reason for your wife's issues. When there are red flags like the ones you've described, you'd be a fool not to at least be thorough and look into it.


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## onewithquestions (Aug 8, 2014)

Cubby said:


> onewithquestions, personally I think it's the smothering issue, BUT....even though you guarantee there's nobody else involved with her, just to really make sure 100 percent, you have to quietly check the phone records and emails. Trust...but verify. Anyone who's been around the "coping with infidelity" forum here for awhile who's reading this knows that it's amazing how many guys who "knew" without a shadow of doubt that their wife wasn't cheating or could never do it, discovered, to their astonishment, that they were wrong.
> 
> Again, not saying she's cheating or thinking about it, just saying it's very easy to check, costs nothing, and allows you to narrow down the reason for your wife's issues. When there are red flags like the ones you've described, you'd be a fool not to at least be thorough and look into it.


I know she's not cheating. I have checked just in case. I am not that careless. Her phone backs up to our computer daily so I could and have gone into the back up and seen the messages. Nothing out of the ordinary just texting her girlfriends and family. I can also track her phone and she has been honest about every place that she has been in the past months. I did this to make sure I wasn't the naive one. So that gave me some clarity on the cheating question.

I do agree, I do feel like the smothering caused most of this. I do feel like the fighting and lack of communication amplified the smothering to be annoying. So I guess my question is... where do I go from here? Where should I start. What should I do to make things better on my side. 

I have accept the fact that it may not work out. But if both of us a willing to try because we do love each other, then I will do anything in my power before a divorce is an option.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

onewithquestions said:


> I know she's not cheating. I have checked just in case. I am not that careless. Her phone backs up to our computer daily so I could and have gone into the back up and seen the messages. Nothing out of the ordinary just texting her girlfriends and family. I can also track her phone and she has been honest about every place that she has been in the past months. I did this to make sure I wasn't the naive one. So that gave me some clarity on the cheating question.
> 
> I do agree, I do feel like the smothering caused most of this. I do feel like the fighting and lack of communication amplified the smothering to be annoying. So I guess my question is... where do I go from here? Where should I start. What should I do to make things better on my side.
> 
> I have accept the fact that it may not work out. But if both of us a willing to try because we do love each other, then I will do anything in my power before a divorce is an option.


There's a poster on this site named Machiavelli, who happens to be banned now, who used to link "the 16 Commandments of Poon" from Chateau Heartiste in this type of situation. Keep in mind this is mostly for single guys looking to score with girls. But the general thought here is useful for maintaining attraction in wives also. So you have to adapt it to your situation. For instance, he recommends flirting with other women when she's there. I wouldn't quite agree with that, or at least be very careful with it. Keep the big picture in mind.

The Sixteen Commandments Of Poon | Chateau Heartiste

Here's another recent post from the Chateau that you might find useful: 

Signs That A Woman Is Cheating In Her Heart | Chateau Heartiste


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## onewithquestions (Aug 8, 2014)

Cubby said:


> There's a poster on this site named Machiavelli, who happens to be banned now, who used to link "the 16 Commandments of Poon" from Chateau Heartiste in this type of situation. Keep in mind this is mostly for single guys looking to score with girls. But the general thought here is useful for maintaining attraction in wives also. So you have to adapt it to your situation. For instance, he recommends flirting with other women when she's there. I wouldn't quite agree with that, or at least be very careful with it. Keep the big picture in mind.
> 
> The Sixteen Commandments Of Poon | Chateau Heartiste
> 
> ...


Hey Chubby,

I read the sixteen commandments and they're outstanding. I do believe I use to do most of these. During our mine and her conve, she even said a few of these things listed here are things that she misses about me. 

So maybe I'VE changed. What do I do to get back on track? IDK but reading through that really mad me see the man I use to be and the man I am now. Very eye opening to me.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry, no offense meant, but we can't trust your judgment right now. Let me show you why.

This:


> Remember she clarified numerous times that she does want to stay with me.


and this:


> She wants to try one scenario where we don't talk for a week, unless there is something important or an emergency. She wants me to do my own thing. Go out with friends do my own thing at home not tell her about my week. No physical contact. Of course we can acknowledge each other but nothing too lovey dovey. She is hopping that she will have this time to miss me. Realize the things that she misses by not being around or having contact with me for a week.


Do you see the contradiction you are ignoring? A week isn't going to fix anything. What it may do is show her she is better off with out you.

If I was single I'd be thinking "she just put me in the friend zone." I'm not even saying it is an affair. It could be your smothering, it could be you have nothing in common and it could be numerous other things. I will say, affair wise, that is as close to saying "date other people" as you can get without using the phrase. Sorry dude, no physical contact, no intimacy and only emergency contact means there is a HUGE problem in your marriage.You didn't see it or she hid it.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Just read through this annulment application I picked up at the county courthouse today. All we have to do is fill it in, file it and in a week or so you will be single again and free to go find yourself."


I'm going to second this notion. This just seems way too early in a marriage to be having these issues. 

Showing you have options and can walk away isn't going to hurt your position any. She will either work on locking you down or agree with it and go, either way you get your answer about where she is at.

If you are reading things like Chateau Heartiste, then you should have already read about plenty of examples of how these things play out when the male is needy. 

Dread game time.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

onewithquestions said:


> Hey Chubby,
> 
> I read the sixteen commandments and they're outstanding. I do believe I use to do most of these. During our mine and her conve, she even said a few of these things listed here are things that she misses about me.
> 
> So maybe I'VE changed. What do I do to get back on track? IDK but reading through that really mad me see the man I use to be and the man I am now. Very eye opening to me.


Well, that's the first step. You see how you've changed. Of course, you can't go out drinking and dancing with other women, but I suppose you can start with stopping all the doting on your wife. 

Go to the gym....do you have some interests you can get into a little more seriously as a hobby? It's hard for me to give specific advice based on a few posts, but start analyzing yourself, who you really are. It's apparent that you lost a lot of that...who you really are. Get that back.

Don't make your wife your whole world, make her a big part of your world. Make sure your world involves other things, other interests. Women love to tag along with an interesting guy.


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## onewithquestions (Aug 8, 2014)

Cubby said:


> Well, that's the first step. You see how you've changed. Of course, you can't go out drinking and dancing with other women, but I suppose you can start with stopping all the doting on your wife.
> 
> Go to the gym....do you have some interests you can get into a little more seriously as a hobby? It's hard for me to give specific advice based on a few posts, but start analyzing yourself, who you really are. It's apparent that you lost a lot of that...who you really are. Get that back.
> 
> Don't make your wife your whole world, make her a big part of your world. Make sure your world involves other things, other interests. Women love to tag along with an interesting guy.


I do agree women like to tag along with an infesting guy. But where does the line get drawn. What I mean is. When is it showing her less attention to better the relationship to being too much that she feels neglected. I want to try the approach of not making her my everything but I want to make sure she doesn't feel like I'm neglecting her too because that will turn out terribly as well. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

onewithquestions said:


> I do agree women like to tag along with an infesting guy. But where does the line get drawn. What I mean is. When is it showing her less attention to better the relationship to being too much that she feels neglected. I want to try the approach of not making her my everything but I want to make sure she doesn't feel like I'm neglecting her too because that will turn out terribly as well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, you need to balance that. Google the book "Married Man Sex Life" by Athol Kay. He incorporates the single guy pickup artist attraction concepts with married life. It's eye-opening, and you're a prime candidate to benefit from it. Don't let your wife know you're reading it, though.


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## onewithquestions (Aug 8, 2014)

Cubby said:


> Yeah, you need to balance that. Google the book "Married Man Sex Life" by Athol Kay. He incorporates the single guy pickup artist attraction concepts with married life. It's eye-opening, and you're a prime candidate to benefit from it. Don't let your wife know you're reading it, though.


Additionally, I did forget to mention that I tried something new this morning. I usually let her know when I get to work. Not because she asked me to but just as a kind gesture so she knows I've arrived safely. I usually text her when I arrive. 20 minutes after I get to work, she kindly says do you not let me know you're at work anymore? I just simply responded lol not that I don't want to let you know but just that I will contact you if something bad happens. I asked how she felt about it and she responds I just would like to know that you're at least alive! Lol. So I did gain her attention when I did that. 

Additionally it is a friends bday this weekend. I had insisted that I not go so that she can have some space. She agreed but a few hours passed and she said you know what? I want you to come to the party. So I did get some sort of reaction from her. Not sure what it means. I'll look into that book and find alone time to read it. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

onewithquestions said:


> I do want to do this. I use to be a very confident person with ladies and with her. Not saying that I am not anymore but I feel like I have forgotten how to woo and suprise her like I use to. Like I forgot how to date her. I am scared that I do not know how to be that guy anymore.
> 
> I need a guide as to what to do to get that back.


Here's your guides...

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have.

Home | The 5 Love Languages®

Use them!

Good luck...


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Shift times make me think she is a nurse.

I smell a repeat of poster Badcompany...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You both seem young and incredibly immature.

She sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder

Love changes over time. While you should both still feel "in love", you can't hang on to the "newness" forever. Love deepens. It grows. The frantic obsession of the unknown recedes as trust, intimacy, respect, honor, and a deep connection grows.

She is not ready for marriage. She wants a fairy tale prince. It's not realistic.


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