# Guilty for receiving more than giving?



## regulardude (Jul 6, 2014)

Thanks in advance for your responses...I'm a 44 yo married male, 47 yo wife. Happily married almost 20 years. We are both healthy, above average physical appearance, and we find each other attractive. 

the background: I initiate sex 95% of the time. Every time I ask for sex, she will gladly agree to at least give me a release if she's not in the mood, tired, or not feeling up to it. Most often, she will offer to give me a "quickie", and give me a BJ, HJ, while she lets me play with her breasts or other parts of her body. Sometimes, I'll masturbate while touching her. Sometimes, she will get aroused while getting me off, and sometimes she doesn't. When she does get aroused, I'll help her orgasm manually or orally. I'd estimate that she will happily give me a release 4-5 times/week. She might be in the mood for sex once every few weeks.

She enjoys sex very much, just not nearly at the frequency that I do. She is very passive in bed, and will do just about anything I request. When not having sex, she is content just to cuddle, and to take care of my needs. When we talk about the lopsided needs, she says she has no problem/issue. We enjoy occasional variety with our sex, (positions, porn, toys), and she allows me to take nude pics of her as well, for my viewing pleasure  )

My question will sound like I am looking to change her sex drive...but am I asking too much if I wanted her to initiate sex more often? Sounds weird, but I feel like I'm receiving too much, and would like to "give" , and I feel somewhat guilty being on the receiving end of sex the majority of the time by asking for sex, and being taken care of (sexually), (even though she is happy with it). The part I struggle with at times, is the "mental" part - I just wish she would initiate sex....I feel like I want to feel more "desired" by her. 

Am I rare that I have the sexual freedom that I have, and should I not be complaining at all because I have a good thing? I often wonder if I am a fool to even want anything different, but I feel like I need something more to satisfy my desire to please her. 

Thanks for your thoughts!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

regulardude said:


> Thanks in advance for your responses...I'm a 44 yo married male, 47 yo wife. Happily married almost 20 years. We are both healthy, above average physical appearance, and we find each other attractive.
> 
> the background: I initiate sex 95% of the time. Every time I ask for sex, she will gladly agree to at least give me a release if she's not in the mood, tired, or not feeling up to it. Most often, she will offer to give me a "quickie", and give me a BJ, HJ, while she lets me play with her breasts or other parts of her body. Sometimes, I'll masturbate while touching her. Sometimes, she will get aroused while getting me off, and sometimes she doesn't. When she does get aroused, I'll help her orgasm manually or orally. I'd estimate that she will happily give me a release 4-5 times/week. She might be in the mood for sex once every few weeks.
> 
> ...


Really..

Be happy with what you have why should she initiate when its not her seeking it?
I understand what you want but .... too much

Women (on average) do not usually initiate... that's a man thing mostly. Be happy with what you have and enjoy it while you can. Consider yourself currently very lucky on the sex front..that can change anytime.

Remember she is doing what it takes to please you not that she inherently enjoys it regardless of what she says she probably likes sex less than you...and you are considering pushing her further that will push her away in the end.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Really..
> 
> Be happy with what you have why should she initiate when its not her seeking it?
> I understand what you want but .... too much
> ...


And here I was all set to accuse you of misogyny.....then you go and make sense. What am I supposed to do now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> And here I was all set to accuse you of misogyny.....then you go and make sense. What am I supposed to do now?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Accept I am not some sexist pig as portrayed here on TAM rather far from it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Accept I am not some sexist pig as portrayed here on TAM rather far from it.


Along with your lack of a sense of humor. But I tried.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

regulardude said:


> Thanks in advance for your responses...I'm a 44 yo married male, 47 yo wife. Happily married almost 20 years. We are both healthy, above average physical appearance, and we find each other attractive.
> 
> the background: I initiate sex 95% of the time. Every time I ask for sex, she will gladly agree to at least give me a release if she's not in the mood, tired, or not feeling up to it. Most often, she will offer to give me a "quickie", and give me a BJ, HJ, while she lets me play with her breasts or other parts of her body. Sometimes, I'll masturbate while touching her. Sometimes, she will get aroused while getting me off, and sometimes she doesn't. When she does get aroused, I'll help her orgasm manually or orally. I'd estimate that she will happily give me a release 4-5 times/week. She might be in the mood for sex once every few weeks.
> 
> ...



Exactly.....Really.....?

You have it great. Sex 4 - 5x week? Good for you.

Your love language is probably Physical and hers is more Acts of Service. That means she enjoys sex, but enjoys it more to please you. If that makes her happy and its who she is, don't mess with it.

A lot of ladies like their men to usually take the initiative and be the initiator. Just the way it is.

You have a great wife and sex life. Be greatful and happy.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Really..
> 
> Be happy with what you have why should she initiate when its not her seeking it?
> I understand what you want but .... too much
> ...


If she wants to feel a stronger drive of her own she can try PT-141.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## regulardude (Jul 6, 2014)

Lila said:


> OP, does she get excited or turned on with giving you your release or does she do the things you mentioned out of a sense of duty?
> 
> If she gets sexually aroused, then I agree with others and count your blessings. Women don't have to orgasm everytime to enjoy the act of sex.
> 
> ...


Hi - thanks for the response. Regarding your question - her arousal varies. She gets turned on sometimes, but sometimes, she is doing it out of a sense of duty (she's tired, not in the mood, etc), but doesn't complain. Realistically, I don't expect that she will get automatically turned on every time she gives me a release. On a humorous note, I think sometimes of the handjob scene in "Animal House".....talk about "sense of duty". lol

Like your husband, I desire her attention, which makes me long for her to "want me", by initiating. I wonder sometimes if that because I've always initiated, that it's now conditioned for both of us. I initiate, she responds. I also believe her sex drive is just different than mine.

I do count my blessings, and will continue to do so. I know I'm lucky!


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## regulardude (Jul 6, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> Exactly.....Really.....?
> 
> You have it great. Sex 4 - 5x week? Good for you.
> 
> ...


Thanks - good comments. I appreciate your response! I won't mess with it!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I think it's normal to want to give sexually to your spouse. I also think it's normal to want your spouse to initiate sometimes. We all want to feel like our spouse wants us as much as we want them and initiating sex is one way to show that. 

It doesn't seem like you're greedy or anything to me.It seems like you are doing the right thing and thinking of your wife's needs. 

DH and I had a little issue with this at the beginning of our relationship. He would never initiate.It drove me bonkers. Turns out he just was that awkward and didn't really know how or what would be a good time. 

I don't think wanting her to initiate more is too much to ask.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

RE: Her initiating...forgetaboudit

Not gonna happen.

Sounds like you have a pretty darned good sex life. You could try to get her horny more often...buy her sexy lingerie, send sexy text messages and music videos, little romantic presents, try to mix up the sex life...different places/locations/techniques.

But she is reserved and does not like to initiate..that is clear. Wanting her to be a sex tiger when she is more of a sex kitten would just cause too much long term friction. Go for a small step up


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Although you don't sound self- centered there is a hint of you wanting more or different. The fact that you have what many men say they want is immaterial. If you don't see your good fortune then it means nothing. I agree with the poster who advised small changes. Have you read anything on female and male sexuality? 

It might help. Getting her things to make it more interesting for you is nit the way to go. Do something for her. Learn everything you can about sexuality and do new things that would appeal to her. Don't make the mistake of acting dissatisfied or that she is not making you happy. 

She is doing what men say they want. She is being a good wife and sex partner as per the cultural norms. It may be the person she is but it may also be her doing what is expected. Try to find out. Work slowly and with patience. Make it about your generous wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Women (on average) do not usually initiate... that's a man thing mostly.


Baloney!

ETA: Sorry, I know it doesn't really pertain to this thread. I just can't stand it when women get stereotyped that they don't like sex or don't initiate as much as men.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Baloney!
> 
> ETA: Sorry, I know it doesn't really pertain to this thread. I just can't stand it when women get stereotyped that they don't like sex.


Women LIKE sex my wife says so... women do not typically initiate google it.

Draw your own conclusions when comparing to men/husbands

Also through in biology and society

I like to water ski last time I did was 15 years ago so do I like it?
I say I do but choose not to invest my time or expense into it.

So perhaps I don't like it or at least I like it less than others since I don't INITIATE it.

But we can pretend its the same if you want but that doesn't make it so..hence this forum


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Women LIKE sex my wife says so... women do not typically initiate google it.
> 
> Draw your own conclusions when comparing to men/husbands
> 
> ...


Just because your wife doesn't initiate doesn't mean ALL WIVES don't initiate. 

Don't lump all women together! We are all unique. And I'd say if you took a poll here, you'd find the majority of women do initiate just as much as their men.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Give more.

Problem solved.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Just because your wife doesn't initiate doesn't mean ALL WIVES don't initiate.
> 
> Don't lump all women together! We are all unique. And I'd say if you took a poll here, you'd find the majority of women do initiate just as much as their men.


Most not you and many of the ladies of TAM so yes you are 100% correct a poll here would show what you want...like minds..again do some research..a poll here would be totally skewed

Let me venture a guess OPs wife is not on TAM

I never said all don't initiate..so chill..just most
Based on OPs story he's with most

Facts are facts


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Most not you and many of the ladies of TAM so yes you are 100% correct a poll here would show what you want...like minds..again do some research..a poll here would be totally skewed
> 
> Let me venture a guess OPs wife is not on TAM
> 
> ...


I still disagree with "most." 

But your entitled to believe whatever you want. 

How's your plan working?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I'd estimate that she will happily give me a release 4-5 times/week. She might be in the mood for sex once every few weeks.
> 
> She enjoys sex very much, just not nearly at the frequency that I do.


If she's only really in the mood for sex once every few weeks, then she's not going to be initiating since you already do so 4-5 times a week. 

To use a food analogy, she never gets "hungry" enough to ask for another meal because she's already constantly eating and constantly full.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Is a HJ or BJ really eating though or is she just feeding him? Would she build up desire overtime even though she is doing things for him?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I still disagree with "most."
> 
> But your entitled to believe whatever you want.
> 
> How's your plan working?


You can feel free at mocking me ...does not change facts
Shows weakness.

Rather that producing counter arguments with proof you mock... you are not the only one. Its easy for me to defend my arguments just by mentioning the Porn industry and gender who uses it.

There is NO refuting that oh and there are many more facts to support my stance.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Look at erotic novels and the gender who uses that. Maybe women simply have better imagination skills and don't need to visual porn provides


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Look at erotic novels and the gender who uses that. Maybe women simply have better imagination skills and don't need to visual porn provides


Erotic novels are not anywhere near the size of the porn and prostitution industry..most women do not have time to read novels anyhow. 

Again give me stats to back up your stance.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Erotic novels are not anywhere near the size of the porn and prostitution industry..most women do not have time to read novels anyhow.
> 
> Again give me stats to back up your stance.


 It was a light comment hence the smileys. Also,everyone knows stats can be whatever you want them to be in order to prove your point. Also,there really isn't a way to gauge it bc there are so many free writing sites where people submit their short erotica stories. How do you keep track of the ladies wanking it to that stuff? Just bc it isn't counted in the industry doesn't mean it isn't big for ladies  Look at that piece of garbage 50 shades...HUGE. Imagine all the stuff you don't know about bc women aren't desperate enough for erotica to pay for it. If we can't afford it,we'll make it up in our own heads. 


I understand if you're feeling uptight though. I get cranky too when I don't get laid for a few days I can't imagine going months at a time.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> It was a light comment hence the smileys. Also,everyone knows stats can be whatever you want them to be in order to prove your point. Also,there really isn't a way to gauge it bc there are so many free writing sites where people submit their short erotica stories. How do you keep track of the ladies wanking it to that stuff? Just bc it isn't counted in the industry doesn't mean it isn't big for ladies  Look at that piece of garbage 50 shades...HUGE. Imagine all the stuff you don't know about bc women aren't desperate enough for erotica to pay for it. If we can't afford it,we'll make it up in our own heads.
> 
> 
> I understand if you're feeling uptight though. I get cranky too when I don't get laid for a few days I can't imagine going months at a time.



:iagree:

In the last few years it has been amazing how much people are finally starting to realize just how sexual women can be. The stereotypes that men are the only ones masturbating, or that men are the only ones who think about sex are finally starting to come down.

In the same vein, people are also finally starting to agree that there are some men out there that aren't as sexual as everyone is led to believe. Not all men are walking about with hard ons 24/7.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> In the same vein, people are also finally starting to agree that there are some men out there that aren't as sexual as everyone is led to believe. Not all men are walking about with hard ons 24/7.


like my husband  

Sorry to be OT but I have to share as an example...
I sent a text to him basically saying I was DTF tonight. (we did it yesterday,saturday,friday,and thursday so far) Usually I have to taper it down to every other day for him. 
Today he said he was DTF too but he was feeling a little off so it might not happen. *sigh* See? not all men are walking hard ons


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> like my husband
> 
> Sorry to be OT but I have to share as an example...
> I sent a text to him basically saying I was DTF tonight. (we did it yesterday,saturday,friday,and thursday so far) Usually I have to taper it down to every other day for him.
> Today he said he was DTF too but he was feeling a little off so it might not happen. *sigh* See? not all men are walking hard ons


And my husband. 

Hehe your sex schedule sounds pretty nice to me! 4 days in a row.... Not since the honeymoon here.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> And my husband.
> 
> Hehe your sex schedule sounds pretty nice to me! 4 days in a row.... Not since the honeymoon here.


yeah it came outta nowhere..he was on a roll! Must have been the excitement of a 4 day weekend that did it for him.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> yeah it came outta nowhere..he was on a roll! Must have been the excitement of a 4 day weekend that did it for him.


You lucky bug. :smthumbup:


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> Is a HJ or BJ really eating though or is she just feeding him? Would she build up desire overtime even though she is doing things for him?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


I'm guessing she's not just giving HJ's and BJ's all month long except for that one or two times per month she wants an orgasm. She has plenty of opportunities to have an orgasm at any time because they have sexual activity so often.

The point is he wants her to initiate, but she only has spontaneous desire once every few weeks. She can have an orgasm at any time during the 5 times a week when they are doing something sexual, so she's not building desire because she's always fulfilled. 

Put another way, he says initiates 95% of the time. She only has spontaneous desire the other 5% of the time which is when _she _initiates.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

True he did say she gets excited and he helps her out once in a while, so that might be what keeps her drive satisfied. 

I was just kind of wondering, for those who have lower drive spouces. Would this be a workable solution.

Example: Assuming a good overall relationship, say W wants sex 1/week. H wants 3/week. If wife is agreeable would hj/bj twice a week and sex one a week keep everyone happy? Or would the sexual contact twice a week lower the wifes drive even further?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## regulardude (Jul 6, 2014)

norajane said:


> I'm guessing she's not just giving HJ's and BJ's all month long except for that one or two times per month she wants an orgasm. She has plenty of opportunities to have an orgasm at any time because they have sexual activity so often.
> 
> The point is he wants her to initiate, but she only has spontaneous desire once every few weeks. She can have an orgasm at any time during the 5 times a week when they are doing something sexual, so she's not building desire because she's always fulfilled.
> 
> Put another way, he says initiates 95% of the time. She only has spontaneous desire the other 5% of the time which is when _she _initiates.


Norajane - Correct. There are opportunities for orgasm on both sides - I just take her up on the offer much more often. 

Correct also that I would like her to initiate more often. I do believe that she is "fulfilled" by satifying me.


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## regulardude (Jul 6, 2014)

I Don't Know said:


> True he did say she gets excited and he helps her out once in a while, so that might be what keeps her drive satisfied.
> 
> I was just kind of wondering, for those who have lower drive spouces. Would this be a workable solution.
> 
> ...



This has been the workable situation in our relationship since the start. I should add that she admittedly was much less confident sexually when we met, and naturally, because I initiated more from the start, our relationship has continued that path. I am overall very happy with this, however as mentioned in early response, I feel the need to be "desired" at times.


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