# Can we save our marriage?



## PGriff (Oct 27, 2013)

OK, so I'm new to this....

I've been with my wife 13 years and married 10. We have 4 children together.

Now it's time for some brutal honesty - I was abusive at the start of our relationship. I was physically violent (have undergone therapy and am no longer) and I exhibited controlling behaviour. She always forgave me, always took me back, even when she probably shouldn't have.

Then, 2 years ago, I had an affair. It lasted about 6 weeks and was the most stupid and selfish thing I've ever done. I had my head turned by a younger woman, was flattered by the attention, it boosted my self esteem, all the usual selfish reasons for having an affair. I thought I saw in her the things that my wife didn't have, but on closer inspection, it was all a mirage. I realised that my wife was THE ONE for me, and I needed to stop being stupid and work on my marriage. During this madness though, I moved out (to a hotel and for a few days) telling Sarah I didn't love her like I should. Shortly after I ended it, my wife found a series of FB messages. Including one from her to me telling me that she loved me. I had responded in kind, but only because I didn't really know was to do

As you can imagine, my wife was hurt, angry etc etc. I asked her if we could work on it and stay together and she agreed. Things sort of went back to normal (my mistake - normal clearly wasn't very good). Then 'out of the blue' (only you can see above all of the justification) she told me a couple of weeks ago that she didn't want to be with me any more and didn't love me.She hadn't spoken to me, explained how she was feeling.....She says there isn't anyone else and I believe her. I think I just didn't change enough after the affair.

We've talked and talked about the ins and outs and i have established a number of things which pushed her to this decision - fear that I was having another affair (I wasn't), unresolved hurt from the affair, my previous selfish behaviour, the abusive behaviour.

Now here's the rub. I've taken a long hard look at myself over the last three weeks, and I've made some fundamental changes to work, my priorities, my place in the family. I can and will change. I will put this woman first because despite everything above, she is my soul mate, the woman who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I'm devasted, but also a realist. Given the above, can we save our marriage? Any advice from men who have been through similar things would be greatly appreciated


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## Lilly_daddy (Jul 4, 2009)

Wow!!! Never have I felt such an impact from such a short start to a post. I am very sorry that this is happening to....Your Wife. Not You...Her. 

What kind of fundamental changes are we talking about here? You can probably bet on those changes being ongoing, questioned, scrutinized, doubted, doubted again and having her never believe a single thing you tell her over the course of the next few years. That's what this has done to your family and your wife. How has this affected your kids? have they ever been witness to any of the physical incidents? I'm sorry but you won't get much sympathy, pity or compassion from many of the members here. 

Sorry but it's kinda what you deserve right now.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I hope, for your wife's sake, that your marriage cannot be saved.


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## Lilly_daddy (Jul 4, 2009)

I have caught My Wife Sexting an Ex-Boyfriend with my 5 year old daughter sitting right beside her on the couch. She also engaged in a very inappropriate friendship with a married male friendship which was for all intents and purposes an EA.


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## Lilly_daddy (Jul 4, 2009)

The funny thing about being physically abusive to someone who happens to be your wife is that it truly doesn't matter how many times you apologize. The scars will never go away. Physical scars may fade but mental, spiritual and emotional scars remain forever. 

Admitting your an abusive husband is like admitting your an alcoholic. You will always be that kind of person except now your a "Recovering Alcoholic". In Your Case your a "Recovering Abuser"


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Your marriage can be saved but it is what your wife truly wants that is important, not you. You don't matter in this really whatsoever.

You have been cruel and selfish. If she forgives you then she is either attracted to abuse which is very bad or she has a great heart. 

You have caused her unimaginable pain and she is probably numb to your abuse. You have probably hurt her beyond what is reasonable for any person to ever have to deal with.

In order to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. You have to give her what she wants and you have to let her go. If she wants you to move out, move out. If she wants to ask you why you have been such a [email protected][email protected], answer her and if she asks 10,000 times answer her calmly 10,000 times. She won't ask because she doesn't know the answer, she is expressing the pain you caused her.

Do not be angry and her. Do not be defensive. Do not be SELFISH like you have displayed over and over. Give her whatever she needs and if she needs a divorce, give it to her! She will let you know if she wants you. You DO NOT deserve her.

Work on yourself for your sake not just to win her back. If you work on yourself and she thinks might be worth some of the air you breathe she might listen to you.

You are here because you deserve to be and the choice of saving your marriage is hers. She has every right and reason to kick you to the curb and never look back!


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## Lilly_daddy (Jul 4, 2009)

MovingAhead said:


> Your marriage can be saved but it is what your wife truly wants that is important, not you. You don't matter in this really whatsoever.
> 
> You have been cruel and selfish. If she forgives you then she is either attracted to abuse which is very bad or she has a great heart.
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Very Well Done!


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## jac70 (Sep 7, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Your marriage can be saved but it is what your wife truly wants that is important, not you. You don't matter in this really whatsoever.
> 
> You have been cruel and selfish. If she forgives you then she is either attracted to abuse which is very bad or she has a great heart.
> 
> ...


Agreed. OP has a lot of work to do to really change himself.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

OP

I agree with you that your wife deserves better. She reached the end of her rope and it's understandable. 

Work on yourself. Support your family without being a nuisance or making demands. Be sure the kids don't place any blame on your wife. Be civil in dealing with her. 

Is the OW still in contact with you? Do you see her in the course of your daily life - if so, she has to go. 

When was the last time you were physically abusive to your wife? or your kids?

When was the last time you were verbally abusive to your wife or your kids?

As stated by the poster MovingAhead: your marriage can be saved IF she wants it to be so.


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

PGriff... this is facing the music. Think you know this.... while you have confessed...your past is a deal breaker to most. Keep posting as you may find answers for your wife or yourself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, PGriff, you beat the s&&t out of your wife. She forgave you.

You emotionally abused her. She forgave you.

Then you cheated on her.

Well, from what I can see, you have not stopped deliberately harming your wife. You have just found different ways of harming her.

I tend to agree with Chris. Not certain there's a marriage to be saved, to be honest.


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## jac70 (Sep 7, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> OP
> 
> I agree with you that your wife deserves better. She reached the end of her rope and it's understandable.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

AS someone gets stronger, it is harder to save a marriage with physical abuse. The abused is ALWAYS waiting for the proverbial "other shoe" to drop.





> Then, 2 years ago,
> --snip--
> 
> I've taken a long hard look at myself over the last three weeks, and I've made some fundamental changes to work, my priorities, my place in the family.


There's your problem right there, she gave you a chance and things didn't change until three weeks ago. Sorry, but you shouldn't be surprised she fell out of love.


About the only thing you can do is what WoM suggested and hope she changes her mind


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## PGriff (Oct 27, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> AS someone gets stronger, it is harder to save a marriage with physical abuse. The abused is ALWAYS waiting for the proverbial "other shoe" to drop.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PGriff (Oct 27, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Nope.


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## PGriff (Oct 27, 2013)

Thanks all. I know I'm basically an idiot. And that she probably needs to be without me. Maybe it's time to stop being selfish and just let it die......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Your marriage can be saved but it is what your wife truly wants that is important, not you. You don't matter in this really whatsoever.
> 
> You have been cruel and selfish. If she forgives you then she is either attracted to abuse which is very bad or she has a great heart.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## PGriff (Oct 27, 2013)

There's truth in that. I really have [email protected] up the most important relationship in my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PGriff said:


> Thanks all. I know I'm basically an idiot. And that she probably needs to be without me. Maybe it's time to stop being selfish and just let it die......
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Concentrate on being a good father and a good co-parent.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Concentrate on being a good father and a good co-parent.


Taking this advice to heart and doing it well is the best hope you have of getting a second look. But it will take time. Let her know you are seeing a counselor to help you become a better father and supportive ex. 

You might want to invite her to join you in counseling for the purpose of ensuring the kids understand the dynamics. Don't approach her about MC - it far too soon. She knows you as a cheating abuser. If you have truly changed then it will show in your interactions with the kids and as a thoughtful ex.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Perhaps the best you can hope for is avoiding long term - and by that I mean future generations - damage to your wife, children and their future children.

I rather doubt you are able to truly stop being totally self centred (even this thread is about you), but I hope you can see past what you view as your short term needs and help your family heal by being a real man.

That is, one that does not abuse others just because he can.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yes, let this woman find some happiness while you go be a better man. This is the only hope for both of you.

Let her go.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Any marriage can be salvaged. Seen some of the worse work it out. But if your wife is dwelling on all the past hurts, abuse, cheating, etc. then there is little hope. You admitting that you are the cause of this is one thing. Maybe it is on a purely selfish motive. You admit how bad you were/are and you expect her to forgive. Not sure, but sounds like she has reached a place where the abuse is no longer a threat and she feels that it is safe to leave.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i think you should respect her decision and give her space.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

10 years of abuse and then 3 weeks of fundemental changes...you can imagine your wife doesnt believe this...even if she sees it, there is nothing saying you will keep it up

The only thing in my eyes WORSE than cheating is being abusive, especially physical...there is no excuse for hitting a woman...NONE...and Im not saying this to dig a knife in your gut, but to make a point...the cards arent in your favor...I dont understand how anyone would put up with being hit...

if my daughters husband ever hits her, I would kill him...these arent just words...I would plan it out and make him suffer before he dies...horribly...

you need to soak up all the counseling anf therapy you can get to work on you...if your wife leaves, and I wouldnt blame her one bit, I would actually question any and all reasons she had to stay, but right now you have to fix your issues...good luck


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

The OP's marriage is terminally ill. Once respect and safety are breached there is never going back. Lick your wounds, bid the past goodbye, move on. Your marriage is now a corps.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

Hey PGriff. Thanks for sharing your story with us, tragic as it is. I think marriage is almost always worth fighting for. At this point you may not be able to save it but there is still honor in the fight. 

It's important for you to fight for it the right way. She needs to know that you are willing to do this on her terms alone. Go see a counselor. Work on the things in your life that are causing you to hurt others.

There is a great book that I think you would really benefit from reading. It's called "Unfinished: Discovering Hope in the Reality of Life" - http://bit.ly/1diUuyx. Check it out. You'll be glad you did. I'm praying for you and your family today.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is still very fresh for you. Three weeks is not long enough to really know that you are truly remorseful and that you want to be a better man. The sort of love you think you feel for your BW is not a healthy love. You abused her, had an affair with another woman, and told your wife that you didn't love her anymore. Love? Not really.

If you've been living your life this way, you can't have been a good father to your children. I agree with everyone here who thinks you should turn your attention to your children and try to be a better father. They deserve that.

As for your wife, you treated her with contempt throughout your marriage. This probably just slowly chipped away at any love she had. From this moment on, treat her with the respect that she deserves for no other reason than she deserves it. It's very late in coming.

If your epiphany is sincere and lasting, I wish you the best.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> This is still very fresh for you. Three weeks is not long enough to really know that you are truly remorseful and that you want to be a better man. The sort of love you think you feel for your BW is not a healthy love. You abused her, had an affair with another woman, and told your wife that you didn't love her anymore. Love? Not really.
> 
> If you've been living your life this way, you can't have been a good father to your children. I agree with everyone here who thinks you should turn your attention to your children and try to be a better father. They deserve that.
> 
> ...


:iagree: x 1000


But I think Elvis has left the building.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

Look, these fundamental changes you're talking about, if true and practiced until they really become your second nature? They will only make you a better father and a better man, for the world at large. 

As to whether they will make you enough of a better husband in *this* marriage to salvage it? Only your wife gets to make that decision, without any undue pressure from you. If you change, she will see it. If you pretend to change, she will eventually know it.

She sounds like a gem, inasmuch as she has already had a forgiving heart. You don't deserve her frankly, and I don't say that to be cruel, but just blatantly honest. 

Can you expand a little on what you mean by fundamental changes?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

PGriff said:


> I've taken a long hard look at myself over the last three weeks


Three whole weeks huh? I'm thinking maybe you need more time than that; and that you should have started taking that look a long time ago.

And in regards to the notion of "can *WE* save the marriage"; why should she want to be a part of that "we". I believe you're on your own in this one.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

I can't blame your wife for not staying in the marriage. All that you reveal would be too much for me to forgive and continue on with.


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

talk is cheap u have your work cut out for u pgriff. Better really work on yourself real hard


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

far too little 

far too late


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Sad.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

It is time for you to be honest with yourself and put all your selfish desires away. You need to put all your efforts into being the best husband and father you can be. This has too last......forever or let her go, don't waste anymore time. Additionally this has to come without any commitment from her to reconcile. There is a chance that she may reconcile, or she may not. Either way at least you can say you tried, even though it may be too little....to late and it is the right thing to do.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

As someone that has been in your wife's shoes in many ways... She deserves better. You changed one type of abuse for another... Same as my exH. I hope for her sake she gets into counseling and stops being so co-dependent. You have literally killed her ability to feel secure with you in all ways possible.

If you love her, let her go... she deserves someone that can cherish her, not hurt her.


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