# NOw what?



## damonstar (Oct 28, 2011)

Sorry for the novel...
Well here it goes... I have posted a couple times on the site before but i think now its time to let loose. I have been with my wife for approx 3 years and married for 2. When i met her; her ill mother lived with her and her 2 kids (different fathers, oldest is now 14 dad not in picture and her son is now 8 dad is a decent guy). When we were dating we found out after about 8 months together she was pregnant so we were both happy/excited and decided to move in together and get married. At this point i knew her mother had to come with us cause she has no where to go but was ok with me. in the beging things were ok and then she gets sick during her pregnancy and is we are forced into a mandtory c section at only 30 weeks. My son was born at 2 lbs 10oz and forced us to have him in the NICU for two months. So all this is happening to us and we had only been married for like 4 months a great deal of stress on us being newly weds and all. I work as a full time warehouse manager my salary is a joke and since she lost her job when my son was born, i took a part time job at a welding shop my dads friend own to bring in some extra money and she was on unemployment. this is were trouble starts, she always complained that we're poor and broke but at the same time was pissed because i worked alot and was never home. I know in fact we struggle just as im sure every one in this world does but we are far from poor. She has a good truck/suv that i sold a honda civic i had for before we got married that she drives it almost paid. We live in a four bedroom house with my mother in law and at the moment my pregnant sister in law (longer story) who is about to pop. we have cable tv and eat out at least two or three times a week which in my book is far from poor. Now the issue is still the same she back at work im still in the warehouse but now i finished up school in february to become an hvac mechanic. at the moment i am not at the welding shop but i am trying to start a business in air conditioning that is a lot of work and still get **** from her complaing that i drink all the time and im never there and when i am home all im doing is something for work. Well i am not going to lie i do drink but i really dont think a 6 pack at home, in my work shop a couple times a week while i work is a teribble thing but maybe im wrong. On saturday i went to help my dad with a project he is working on that needed a great deal of work/time. He is a hot rod builder and this involved a few guys heading to a town about a hour away from home and removing a cab that he needs for his next build taking it back to his place and unloading it and setting it up where he was going to work on it and putting all the tools, trailer, etc back were they go so it took all day. Now i have wifey over here calling me and complaining that i dont want to be home i just want to be away and dont care that she is at home not doing anything. I had even called her prior to this to come back to my dads when we got there with the kids and hang out with my mom while we finish up (my dad wanted to cookout and see grandkids) and she said no. so a few hour pass and she snaps tells me not to go home she dont want me there she is tired of this and she wants to leave. well frankly im tired too all i do is for her and the kids im trying to make this business happen so that she can stay home and not work and all i get is this B.S. I help her family so much they live with me for cying out loud and i go help my dad for a day and i get all this drama I dont know what to do anymore. sorry for the long ass post but any ideas and suggestions will be great thanks again.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Tough one man. You're doing what needs to be done to secure the future of your family. But at the same time...a lot of women would rather do without some things and have the husband around more.

Problem is you're getting conflicting messages. She needs to be direct in what she wants then you can decide if you can accomodate.


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## damonstar (Oct 28, 2011)

sinister thanks for the reply. It a trip though i think you hit the nail on the head right there i get mixed messages complaining i'm not home but when things are good and were happy she thanks me for working so hard and doing whatever i can for us and that shes so glad that her life has finally some stability in it (she had an extrememly difficult childhood the father left them and her mom couldnt work she been sick along time so they really were poor living with relatives from house to house and not having food sometimes then she been a single mother herself all the time had to always work and do everything herself. i dont get how she can thanks me literally the night before and act all spoiled and in love then the next day bring out all this.... what a pain in the ass this has become


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Sounds like she is just setting up the hoops for you to jump through. After each hoop comes a sh*t test. Your failing. Grab your N U T s and tell her how it's going to be without losing your cool or raising your voice. In other words - In a nice but firm way.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Ok... I'm not condoning her bad behavior... and it is bad and irrational and you sound like a good man whose doing his very best.

I'm coming from the point of view of a woman whose H worked 7 long days a week in our early years. 

I loved him for it but I also missed him desperately. I was so lonely and as ridiculous as it may sound I was convinced he was having a great time at work...duh! 
When in reality he was just working hard and earning our $$$.
I'm sure I whined about missing him when I KNEW we needed the money. It wasn't a sh!t test it was missing him and feeling lonely.

Maybe she just needs reminding of how hard you work and why you do it!

It sounds as though you have both had one he!! of a year... I think it must have been incredibly stressful for you both. 
Do you think she is depressed? What with the prem baby and the hormones involved in pre/post birth...THEN all the extra stresses in the home with extra relatives living in.

Geez... i feel for both of you!


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

maybe this is why there's 2 other fathers beside you in the picture. they got tired of her crap.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

So you are giving room and board to her, her kids, her mother and her sister and she is whining about you guys being poor and you working too much? 

Trying really hard to see myself there... I see... lots of junk being thrown out the window...


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

So she has an ill mother, a sister who's about to pop and three kids at home and works and you're working a lot of hours and on your day off you go over to dad's?

She needs her husband at home. Yes, you need to make a compromise between work/providing and being with her, but dad's should have been low on the list, no matter how much help he needed with his hobby.


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## damonstar (Oct 28, 2011)

thank you all for your replies they are all helpful. @ Costa200 i feel right where you are thats pretty damn close to where i am at right now. 
Had a long talk with the wifey lastnight about this drama and what going to happen she is very resentful for things i said about her mother and sister causing us problems and not allowing us to live our own lives as a family, I told her fine you basically hate me and are putting them before your family and husband so i should leave and give us a break. She doesnt want that she wants me to stay at the house and we just give eachother "space" lol (first she complain i am not home enough so we can spend time together and now she wants me home but with space go fig right?) :scratchhead any how she wants to do MC and try to get all this out on the table and resolved..... now im at a crossroads i am not sure if i want to go through with this drama any more i am basically just plain tired of the drama and nonsense that i feel i have to face and alway walking on eggshells but i dont want to let my kids down either they need me....Im so


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Damonstar,

Give the marriage counseling a REAL effort. The worst thing you can do is to separate, put your kids through the trauma of divorce (even though the two older already felt something like that) and then look back and say "I didn't really do everything I could". 

The biggest issue I see here is your wife's conflicting discussions. Be home but not near me. I want more money but I want you working less. I want more money but I want you to support my extended family. Sorry those don't work. She needs to settle on what she truly wants and then accept the sacrifice that comes with.


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## jelichmann (Apr 5, 2012)

My advice is to go ahead with the marriage counseling. I don't like MC when it's the husband's idea, because I think women are much less able than men to suck it up put effort toward something that they don't necessarily want or agree with (generally). That's a sacrifice you seem well equipped to make. 

If you and your wife can both earnestly throw yourselves into marriage counseling, then you're 1000% more likely to see results and improve your marriage then if only one of you is truly passionate about it. 

Also keep in mind that the first marriage counselor you see might not be the one who is right for you and your wife. I would advise looking for recommendations from a friend.

To digress back to your OP, here's a thought for you:

What if the reason your wife is so upset all the time is because she KNOWS that she needs you, but she doesn't KNOW that you need her. Women like being needed and appreciated. Sounds obvious, but a lot of men don't do this.

I would recommend reading through these Man Up references here on the forum.

It also sounds like a lot of your problems stem from money. This is certainly not abnormal. I would recommend reading Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover...I think it will help you both financially and romantically...It helps get men and women on the same page about money.

Beyond that, good luck and stay strong!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

67flh said:


> maybe this is why there's 2 other fathers beside you in the picture. they got tired of her crap.


Probably a strong indicator...








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## damonstar (Oct 28, 2011)

again thanks to everyone for their support and input/thought. 
@ jelichmann that is one thing i always try to do is make her feel like a woman/ loved/ appreciated/ needed though. When im home i make sure to go first to her with a big hug and kiss for more than 5 seconds then i get the im embarrassed pull away cause the kids are looking response many times. so i back off. then constant you are sooo pretty baby comments to her, and damn you look sexy mama (these sometimes included an occasional smack on the bum lol. thanks for washing my clothes and taking care of the house, all you do, you are the best etc etc. i have even had her literally come to me and apologize after an argument saying that she was being a brat and at fault that shes sorry blah blah but that i have her spoiled like a brat she expects so much.... dAMN this is tiring


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

damonstar said:


> thank you all for your replies they are all helpful. @ Costa200 i feel right where you are thats pretty damn close to where i am at right now.
> Had a long talk with the wifey lastnight about this drama and what going to happen she is very resentful for things i said about her mother and sister causing us problems and not allowing us to live our own lives as a family, I told her fine you basically hate me and are putting them before your family and husband so i should leave and give us a break. She doesnt want that she wants me to stay at the house and we just give eachother "space" lol (first she complain i am not home enough so we can spend time together and now she wants me home but with space go fig right?) :scratchhead any how she wants to do MC and try to get all this out on the table and resolved..... now im at a crossroads i am not sure if i want to go through with this drama any more i am basically just plain tired of the drama and nonsense that i feel i have to face and alway walking on eggshells but i dont want to let my kids down either they need me....Im so


You don't want to break up the marriage/family knowing you didn't do as much as you could to save it. So marriage counseling is a definite.

Give it an honest try.


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## damonstar (Oct 28, 2011)

@Chis i know that is the right thing and i will give it my best no doubt as much as she can drive me up the wall, i dearly love this woman with all my heart and i am pretty sure she feels the same for me things have just gotten to the point where we need to find those feelings and drop all the insults and anger for each other and act towards each other like when were first in love. I really hope the MC either can take us to this point or at least in the right direction to get there... thanks again to everyone for your help


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