# Are men comfortable having sex with a woman that isn't aroused?



## girly (Feb 25, 2014)

New to the boards, but I've been seeing a lot of mention of women "fulfilling their commitments", making sure needs are met, doing their duty as a wife, etc, in regards to sex whether she's aroused or not. The point seems to be that whether she's aroused or not, she should have sex because she can and he wants to. Is that type of sex comfortable for men? 

I ended my relationship and as I look back I realize that I probably wasn't aroused a pretty good portion of the time, but I rarely turned sex down, aroused or not (gf duty I guess lol). And I think that made our sex life awkward and uncomfortable for me. Perhaps him too honestly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

girly said:


> New to the boards, but I've been seeing a lot of mention of women "fulfilling their commitments", making sure needs are met, doing their duty as a wife, etc, in regards to sex whether she's aroused or not. The point seems to be that whether she's aroused or not, she should have sex because she can and he wants to. Is that type of sex comfortable for men?
> 
> I ended my relationship and as I look back I realize that I probably wasn't aroused a pretty good portion of the time, but I rarely turned sex down, aroused or not (gf duty I guess lol). And I think that made our sex life awkward and uncomfortable for me. Perhaps him too honestly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I'm not comfortable with it. In my situation (not sexless, but sometimes pretty close), I don't view my wife simply putting out as fulfilling her commitment. I would view her commitment as being willing to communicate about something I feel is a problem in our relationship, and take steps to help remedy it, such as getting some education, going to the doctor, telling me what she wants/needs, etc. Her commitment is to be a partner in the marriage, and not leave me twisting in the wind.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If my partner isn't into it, and doesn't GET into it, I'd rather go watch tv. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Duty sex sucks. 

As for me, I need the woman to be into it. 

Not to say I haven't had duty sex or even given my wife duty sex but sex is best when both parties are really into it. Orgasms are much more powerful, at least for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

I'm not comfortable with that at all. If she is not into it then it wasn't meat to be.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Define aroused. Do I need her to be so excited that she's dripping wet and multi-orgasmic every time? No. Does she need to be engaged and somewhat participatory? Yes. Both Lady Convection and I have gone along with sex when not in the mood but we try to get in the game, so to speak, and enjoy pleasing the other person (I know I do, and I assume she does, since she does it with a smile on her face).

If she acted bored or disinterested .... yeah, no, I am not interested in that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## girly (Feb 25, 2014)

What is everyone's definiton of into it?

I was into, as in I would cheerfully buck, moan, give oral, change positions, etc but I wasn't aroused so lubricant was typically neccesary. I would, or would not orgasm depending on if I was willing to put in the work (ie: focus on the sensations of intercourse, rub my clitoris, fantasize).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Hell no. One reason I am in a sexless marriage


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## girly (Feb 25, 2014)

I think to me aroused means getting hot, wet, sticky lol, mostly.

But I suppose it could also mean just enjoying the intercourse and orgasming, naturally wet or not. If that is the definiton, perhaps I was aroused more often than I realized.



Convection said:


> Define aroused. Do I need her to be so excited that she's dripping wet and multi-orgasmic every time? No. Does she need to be engaged and somewhat participatory? Yes. Both Lady Convection and I have gone along with sex when not in the mood but we try to get in the game, so to speak, and enjoy pleasing the other person (I know I do, and I assume she does, since she does it with a smile on her face).
> 
> If she acted bored or disinterested .... yeah, no, I am not interested in that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

No, I'm not comfortable having sex with my wife when she isn't into it. If you poll 100 men, I'm guessing at least 80 of them would not be comfortable either. However, I'll also point out that this situation is not as black and white as it may appear either.

If you are in a healthy relationship that is normally fulfilling on a number of levels (sexually, romantically, for companionship, etc), then you will run into the occasional situation where your spouse may be willing to have sex when he/she may not be in the mood at that time. This happened to me just this past weekend. My wife is pretty flat right before her period. She offered up sex with me on Sunday night because her period will start any day. We don't have sex for 4 days after her period starts because she's not feeling comfortable during the first several days of her period. She wasn't in the mood, I was. I talked to her about it and was going to refuse because I know she wasn't into it. She told me she WANTED to do it for me because I was traveling on Monday and would therefore not have sex until the following weekend at the earliest. She thought it would not be fair to me to have to wait that long. 

We had sex Sunday night. It was far from the best sex given she wasn't in the mood (to clarify, she would have gotten into the mood for PIV, but she was too sore from Saturday since we did it twice that day, so it was PIA which is not as fun for her), but I recognized that she wanted to do something for me because she knew we'd be dry for awhile. I figured why not take her up on her offer. It was her gift to me, and I equate it to those times when I do things for her that I don't want to because I know that it would make her happy. This is what makes a marriage strong IMHO - striking that balance where you do things for each other out of love even when you may not want to BUT also recognizing when to turn down an offer when your spouse offers to do something for you that you know he/she doesn't want to do. It can be hard to figure out the right move in these situations. All I can say is you develop an instinct for when to accept a gift and when to politely refuse. You can only develop that "6th sense" with your spouse when you have great communication and mutual respect for each other.

Just my 2 cents.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Plan 9....can you clone your wife and send her to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

No, but its better than whacking off. Or at least it used to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

"Not into it" and "not aroused (as evidenced by lack of lubrication)" are different things, as OP points out.

Not into it = not enjoying, don't care = duty sex = forget it. I'm with pbear

Not aroused does not mean not enjoying. There could be medical reasons for the lack of arousal (as defined above). Add a little lube and you're in business. This is certainly a thumbs-up for me.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If they weren't, prostitutes would starve.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

girly said:


> I think that made our sex life awkward and uncomfortable for me. Perhaps him too honestly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, if that awkward and uncomfortableness showed through than you are probably correct -otherwise guys are just as likely to not know the difference.

We have a case here of a woman even faking for 18 or so years without her husband being aware. 

I think it is better to be upfront about your libido and look for guys that are comfortable with your pace.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Hell no. That all right lets get this over with vibe cuts you to your very core.

Now Plan 9's wife? Sounds like a wonderful woman. Not really in the mood and suggests anal because she was too sore from twice the day before. And you're going to be gone for awhile? Holy sh!t.

Wish my wife would think like that. I think we have had the "just do it" discussion for her initiating and showing any interest a billion freaking times. Still doesnt register. So hmmmm does the mind wander and make you think its something else.:scratchhead::banghead:


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

duty sex stinks. I need her to be into it, I need the bonding that comes with it.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

naiveonedave said:


> duty sex stinks. I need her to be into it, I need the bonding that comes with it.



What if she's not into it but out of love for you, she goes ahead and is so good at faking it that you never knew?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

HB - that isn't duty sex, IMO, that is a LD spouse who cares.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

naiveonedave said:


> HB - that isn't duty sex, IMO, that is a LD spouse who cares.


It could be a HD spouse who has an infant and a toddler... or for what ever reason really wasn't in the mood.... in the beginning.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*OK! Let's answer this as succinctly as I know how!

For grins, let's just say that, as an unbridled, horny male, you've got a potentially-hot first-time date, say at some world-famous gourmet restaurant with one of the hottest-looking women around. You have literally busted your hump, putting on the dog for her. And once you've been valet-parked, seated, and attempting to make small-talk, she lets out one of those absolutely huge yawns, that makes you totally feel like Mr. Insignificant!

Let's take it to the bedroom. You're getting to third base and fastly rounding the corner for home, and you might even have been lucky enough to have just slidden right into the middle of home plate, feverishly humping away, when you see the unenthusiastic yawn from her. How in the hell does that make you feel? Wanted? No! Loved? No! In her eyes, it's largely one of those "Hurry up and get off" moments!

So unless you just want one of those unthrilling "one-hump stands," or a unilateral, self-serving sexual act, you probably would just feel better pulling out, retreating, and probably just suffering through an unfortunate case of "blue balls!"

And almost without exception, every red-blooded male that has a reasonable expectation of a mutually-satisfying sexual liaison, more especially with an intelligent, sexy, good-looking woman, desires a fair share of reciprocity and overt excitement for wanting to be with her, and only her, in their shared act of lovemaking; every bit as much as she should really want to be with him!

Anything less than that is totally unacceptable!*


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

My wife once said “I’ll not be used like a hooker!” My response today would be “You aren’t that good; A hooker knows the man she’s with wants to believe she’s into him and tries.” To most guys, if it seems like you want and desire us, that will be how it is simply because that is what we want to believe. 

I honestly think it takes a significant level of effort by you (or our past lovers) to convince us we aren’t fantastic in bed. A lack of arousal or ‘active participation’ is a good way to undermine a male (or female) ego if it’s a regular occurrence. 

Everyone just wants to be wanted and desired by their sexual partner. It’s not that complex. There are ‘nice’ ways to coach and encourage them on how to arouse you and I’ve never met a person who doesn’t want to improve how awesome they are in the sack. (_Except my wife who devalues what I (or most men) would settle for is anything more than something warm and moist thus needs no 'help').... Oh fair warning; Don't actually tell them they are horrible either no matter how mad you are about it._


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Conversely, would a gigolo who was just laying there in bed letting a woman just have her way with him, yawning widely and saying to her, "Hey Lady! Just hurry up and "get yourself off! I've got to be somewhere else in 20 minutes"*


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Sex with out passion is essentially masterbation if my girl's not feeling it then I rather go play BF4.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

No.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

xakulax said:


> Sex with out passion is essentially masterbation if my girl's not feeling it then I rather go play BF4.


Yup, some guys take it because its a little bit better than the hand. But then they realize the hand gets BETTER than duty sex. And then the snowball begins. 

Where as the wife does not realize if she had passionate sex with husband more he would rock her world and she would enjoy it. 

More sex=better sex, less sex=worse sex....come on women!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Racer said:


> My wife once said “I’ll not be used like a hooker!” My response today would be “You aren’t that good; A hooker knows the man she’s with wants to believe she’s into him and tries.” To most guys, if it seems like you want and desire us, that will be how it is simply because that is what we want to believe.
> 
> I honestly think it takes a significant level of effort by you (or our past lovers) to convince us we aren’t fantastic in bed. A lack of arousal or ‘active participation’ is a good way to undermine a male (or female) ego if it’s a regular occurrence.
> 
> Everyone just wants to be wanted and desired by their sexual partner. It’s not that complex. There are ‘nice’ ways to coach and encourage them on how to arouse you and I’ve never met a person who doesn’t want to improve how awesome they are in the sack. (_Except my wife who devalues what I (or most men) would settle for is anything more than something warm and moist thus needs no 'help').... Oh fair warning; Don't actually tell them they are horrible either no matter how mad you are about it._



Have you tried paying her?

Seriously, just kidding! maybe.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> We have a case here of a woman even faking for 18 or so years without her husband being aware.


Hey now - I only faked the last 10 of those 18 years.

I wouldn't say I've ever had duty sex. There are times I'm not particularly in the mood - but it's sex. Its not cleaning the basement. I don't ever recall a time I was just waiting for it to be over once things got going.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Conversely, would a gigolo who was just laying there in bed letting a woman just have her way with him, yawning widely and saying to her, "Hey Lady! Just hurry up and "get yourself off! I've got to be somewhere else in 20 minutes"*


Arb, clean out your messages!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Middle of Everything said:


> Hell no. That all right lets get this over with vibe cuts you to your very core.
> 
> Now Plan 9's wife? Sounds like a wonderful woman. Not really in the mood and suggests anal because she was too sore from twice the day before. And you're going to be gone for awhile? Holy sh!t.
> 
> Wish my wife would think like that. I think we have had the "just do it" discussion for her initiating and showing any interest a billion freaking times. Still doesnt register. So hmmmm does the mind wander and make you think its something else.:scratchhead::banghead:


Thanks for the props. I only wanted to answer the question for the OP the way I did because this issue is larger than sex. There are things I don't get too excited about that I feel like I have to do in order to make my wife happy. It boils down to the 5 love language idea. Sex is not one of the love languages because it's something that both husband and wife should take great pleasure from together plus view it as THE way to maintain that special bond that makes them lovers. I believe this to be true. 

Sex can also morph into an act of service and become a love language item. I scored highest on physical touch, and although my wife didn't take the quiz herself I believe her strongest trait would be acts of service. In the example I provided, she leveraged her strength - act of service - to speak to me in my language of physical touch. Again, these are my thoughts on it and how we approach things. I think it works well for the both of us.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

jerry123 said:


> Plan 9....can you clone your wife and send her to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd give her the props you guys were giving, but I wouldn't want it to go to her head...


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I think this discussion leads to the importance of foreplay in relationships. My wife can go long periods of time without even thinking about sex. After a great foot massage and some kissing from me, she is aroused and suddenly contemplating the pleasures of sex. It takes initiative from me to make this happen. 

I have always felt that I needed to set the stage and help her "warm up" since women take longer to get aroused than men. I focus on things that will stimulate her mind and body. Funny...but the old saying ...when Mom's not happy, no one's happy is true in the bedroom too. I think communication and foreplay is vital in a good sex life. Hormones play a big part too!

I sure don't want to have sex if she is not in the mood, or doesn't want to do it. Duty sex is no fun. If she isn't lubricated enough, we try something else, or use some lube. I do all kinds of things to help encourage her arousal and pleasure...so sex is great for BOTH of us.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Details, you seem like a really great guy.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Duty sex or do it myself? 

I'd rather do it myself....because atleast my hand really gets into it too!


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

girly said:


> New to the boards, but I've been seeing a lot of mention of women "fulfilling their commitments", making sure needs are met, doing their duty as a wife, etc, in regards to sex whether she's aroused or not. The point seems to be that whether she's aroused or not, she should have sex because she can and he wants to. Is that type of sex comfortable for men?
> 
> I ended my relationship and as I look back I realize that I probably wasn't aroused a pretty good portion of the time, but I rarely turned sex down, aroused or not (gf duty I guess lol). And I think that made our sex life awkward and uncomfortable for me. Perhaps him too honestly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she is not aroused, I'm not interested. End of discussion. That would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. My wife, who was sexually abused in her past, would have sex without being aroused. That didn't last too long with me before I said, "I would rather not be sexual with you over having sex when you are not aroused." That really shocked her.


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## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

i have got to chime in on this one, its all well and good the men saying if she isn't aroused that they wouldn't have sex with her, but what happens when she has never been aroused and as in my case she doesn't even know what being aroused actually is?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

unlovedbyhim said:


> i have got to chime in on this one, its all well and good the men saying if she isn't aroused that they wouldn't have sex with her, but what happens when she has never been aroused and as in my case she doesn't even know what being aroused actually is?


I would be willing to do pretty much anything I could do to try to help my partner break out of her sexual shell, in a situation like yours. But that would only work if she was as interested in fixing things as I was. If she was "meh, whatever..." about fixing things, and was content to let me have my duty sex once a week/month/year while she checked the ceiling for cobwebs , the relationship would be over fairly quickly. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Hey now - I only faked the last 10 of those 18 years.
> 
> I wouldn't say I've ever had duty sex. There are times I'm not particularly in the mood - but it's sex. Its not cleaning the basement. I don't ever recall a time I was just waiting for it to be over once things got going.


I guess my point is that you obviously did not make it feel like duty sex (or at least it was acceptable) even though it often did not do anything for you and your DH did not know the difference. 

All I was suggesting is that attitude can overcome natural desire. 

But I still think that in the OP's situation where she was feeling awkward and uncomfortable than she is better off finding a partner that is LD.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

askari said:


> Duty sex or do it myself?
> 
> I'd rather do it myself....because atleast my hand really gets into it too!


Yea, but when my hand falls asleep I really feel dejected.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Answer to the OP, no. I want to be desired and I want to share in the enthusiasm that intimacy between committed people is supposed to be. That's why I'm in a sexless marriage for all intents a purposes. Total lack of enthusiasm on her part


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Thound said:


> Yea, but when my hand falls asleep I really feel dejected.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your technique is just mind-numbingly boring, Thound!


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

girly said:


> New to the boards, but I've been seeing a lot of mention of women "fulfilling their commitments", making sure needs are met, doing their duty as a wife, etc, in regards to sex whether she's aroused or not. The point seems to be that whether she's aroused or not, she should have sex because she can and he wants to. Is that type of sex comfortable for men?


I think both genders on TAM have a tendency to frame the question in a manner that places fault squarely in the backyard of their opposite. 

Should a husband insist that his wife have sex with him even when she doesn't feel like it? Of course not.

Should a wife at least be open to the approach that I Notice The Details describes above? What do you think?


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

TopsyTurvy5 Bless you for being so sensitive to your wife's needs. I have duty sex all the time with my Hubby. That is all I have with him 99% of the time. I to have a history of sexual abuse. My H knows this. But his answer to that delema is "Well I didn't do that to you so you shouldn't punish me by not wanting to have sex with me." It doesn't work that way for the female who has been abused. 

I know my H (H= hubby) needs it. That is a fact of life. His hand is a good friend but his wife is well..... his wife and that is what he really wants. I have zero desire, between my brain and the abuse, and the antidepressants I take there is just not much hot sex. I hand out sex with the goal being he gets it once a week. He can have it if he wants it or he can decline if he wishes. 

We have figured out that I can stay present and not dissociate for about 3 minutes. After that it is a real struggle for me to stay present. Thank God when he does take me up on the offer it is quick. He takes the handout, has the sex but there is not much to it and it is definiately emotionless, put out sex. 

Sorry if parts of that were off topic. I thought maybe a female opinion would helpful as to why we just put out sometimes .


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> I think both genders on TAM have a tendency to frame the question in a manner that places fault squarely in the backyard of their opposite.
> 
> Should a husband insist that his wife have sex with him even when she doesn't feel like it? Of course not.
> 
> Should a wife at least be open to the approach that I Notice The Details describes above? What do you think?


I don't think this is something that can be answered with a simple yes or no answer. Most of it will depend upon the current state of the marriage plus the mood each spouse is in at the time. Sometimes spouses want to please the other and would not feel violated or hurt in the least to have sex even if he/she is not in the mood at that time. In most cases, the spouse not in the mood can be turned on through good foreplay. Other times, a spouse wants to give a gift to the other out of love. In a healthy and sexual marriage, there really isn't any "duty sex" even if you find those rare occasions when a spouse engages in sex even when not in the mood at the start.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Big Mama said:


> TopsyTurvy5 Bless you for being so sensitive to your wife's needs. I have duty sex all the time with my Hubby. That is all I have with him 99% of the time. I to have a history of sexual abuse. My H knows this. But his answer to that delema is "Well I didn't do that to you so you shouldn't punish me by not wanting to have sex with me." It doesn't work that way for the female who has been abused.
> 
> I know my H (H= hubby) needs it. That is a fact of life. His hand is a good friend but his wife is well..... his wife and that is what he really wants. I have zero desire, between my brain and the abuse, and the antidepressants I take there is just not much hot sex. I hand out sex with the goal being he gets it once a week. He can have it if he wants it or he can decline if he wishes.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry to see you suffering like this. I hope you and your husband are trying to work through the abuse trauma through individual and marriage counseling? 

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but if your marital sex life doesn't change for the better I fear that one of both of you will want a divorce. Have you ever talked to your husband about his feelings as it pertains to sex? I'm guessing he feels like he's cheated out of having a rewarding sex life. I'm guessing you are feeling like he is not much better than the person who abused you since he cannot fully empathize with your trauma and pushes you for sex.

I have no idea how long this has been going on, but if you are pretty young yet, I fear this marriage will end. Sorry. Please get help if you aren't currently doing so.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I don't think this is something that can be answered with a simple yes or no answer.


I appreciate the reply, but would point out that I said, "Open to the approach..."

In other words, if you are not in the mood, should your spouse at least be afforded the opportunity to *try* and help you ease into the mood?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Put me in the camp of not being comfortable with it. I'm not really interested in having sex when my partner isn't interested ... and I'm in a sexless marriage, hmmmm ... maybe I need to get over that.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Well we have been married 20 years in June. He had no idea about hte abuse for a very long time and he used to do the same thing my abuser did. Which was beg for sex and make me feel like I owed it to him. Upon lots of arguing I would give in and just give it to him. Which is exactly what happened in the rapes before I met my H. 

We are currently in marriage T. He does feel robbed of his joy because of what someone else did to me. I am sorry for that. He knows I am sorry for that. The T tries to talk to him about that but it is a hard concept for him to grasp. things are improving. I still have NO desire, but he knows he has a matter of minutes if he wants me present. The T has also suggested we avoid sex and I take the lead. I give it to him when "I" feel the "need". At this point in things, I never feel the need, I do try to give it to him when I don't have a total distaste for sex. When I can take it or leave it. That is better then when I absolutely don't want it at all. 

So we are progressing, but man it has been a rough trip. And we have a long way to go.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Depends on how good her fake orgasm is.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> I appreciate the reply, but would point out that I said, "Open to the approach..."
> 
> In other words, if you are not in the mood, should your spouse at least be afforded the opportunity to *try* and help you ease into the mood?


I agree with you. My point though is if the marriage is healthy and sexually rewarding, then both spouses are probably already open to being approached. This happens in my marriage periodically. 

On the flip side, when you are in a sexless marriage or if there are other factors straining the marriage, people become much more guarded. In these situations, working on being open to the approach is great advice.  

I think I'd sum this situation like this:


If the marriage is healthy, a spouse is open to the occasional "mercy fvck" because it's seen as loving gesture to make the other spouse happy.
If the marriage is strained from other factors not related to sex, I can see it being touch and go where sometimes an approach could be OK while other times the spouse not in the mood would feel put out.
If the marriage is clinically sexless or if the primary issues in the marriage revolve around sex, lack of attraction, no sex drive, etc... then I'd expect most spouses would NOT desire duty sex in any way due to the soul crushing nature of having sex with someone that does not desire you at all.

It's a simple list, but I think it makes the question harder to answer than just a "yes" or a "no". JMHO.


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## girly (Feb 25, 2014)

I don't belive I needed an ld partner, I just needed someone that aroused/was able to arouse me. For lots of reasons, most I'm not sure of, that wasn't really possible with my partner, or perhaps I wasn't open to it. I've had some experiences since, and.... incredible, wet and sticky 

I wonder how many gf's or wives are ld because they just aren't aroused by their partners, but they don't know why, or they don't know they aren't aroused and they just think theyre low drive.

I honestly started believing I had a medical condition which would be odd because I'm young, but my body wasn't responding and I thought it was me. But now I believe it was the situation. Not him, not me, us.



usmarriedguy said:


> I guess my point is that you obviously did not make it feel like duty sex (or at least it was acceptable) even though it often did not do anything for you and your DH did not know the difference.
> 
> All I was suggesting is that attitude can overcome natural desire.
> 
> But I still think that in the OP's situation where she was feeling awkward and uncomfortable than she is better off finding a partner that is LD.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> In other words, if you are not in the mood, should your spouse at least be afforded the opportunity to *try* and help you ease into the mood?


In a healthy marriage? Yes. Dh and I can be considered brand new compared to most couples here but we do this with each other.We both try to keep an open mind when it comes to sex.

instead of thinking "Well I'm not in the mood so we're not doing it." it's "well I'm not in the mood...but maybe if he does that thing he always does w/his mouth I could get into the mood.."


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

girly said:


> *I don't belive I needed an ld partner, I just needed someone that aroused/was able to arouse me.* For lots of reasons, most I'm not sure of, that wasn't really possible with my partner, or perhaps I wasn't open to it. I've had some experiences since, and.... incredible, wet and sticky
> 
> *I wonder how many gf's or wives are ld because they just aren't aroused by their partners, but they don't know why, or they don't know they aren't aroused and they just think theyre low drive.*
> 
> ...


Wholeheartedly agree. I think in most cases LD is a myth. Unless there is an obvious medical or chemical issue, IMHO LD is developed whenever one partner has little or no physical attraction for the other. In many cases, the attraction is never there to begin with and the marriage happens for security reasons. Think of women who have great sex with the "bad boys" and then decides to settle down with a nice guy. Typically a bad, bad move.


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## girly (Feb 25, 2014)

Well I've never been with bad boys, so I can't speak to that, past relationships and even current dating partenrs are really the sterotypically nice guys. Very kind, really sweet, church on Sunday and mama's house for brunch afterwards. That's my type, I'm a little feisty so I tend not to do so well with partners that are as feisty as me.

I cheated prior to ending my relationship, and even that was with a really nice guy, very sensitive lover.

I think perhaps things just don't click at times in the bedroom, or they did and they just stopped, or perhaps its just the passage of time and those sexy things he/she used to do are a turn off now.



Plan 9 from OS said:


> Wholeheartedly agree. I think in most cases LD is a myth. Unless there is an obvious medical or chemical issue, IMHO LD is developed whenever one partner has little or no physical attraction for the other. In many cases, the attraction is never there to begin with and the marriage happens for security reasons. Think of women who have great sex with the "bad boys" and then decides to settle down with a nice guy. Typically a bad, bad move.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

girly said:


> I don't belive I needed an ld partner, I just needed someone that aroused/was able to arouse me.


In that case I really do not understand the purpose of the question. 

"Why did I choose a partner that I was not sexually aroused by" would have been a more appropriate question I would think.

The answer to that I would find interesting.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I almost always start sex at zero arousal. I trust that H will get me going and then we're both happy. 

Sometimes at the end of my cycle it is difficult to get aroused, I always try though. Sex is better for both of us if I get aroused. I try to give it a lot of enthusiasm no matter what, but H says I'm not that great of an actress. He says he loves when I'm in begging/wet/whimpering mode and I can't fake that.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Sex under any circumstances would be OK right now - just so I could remember what it felt like.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

girly said:


> Well I've never been with bad boys, so I can't speak to that, past relationships and even current dating partenrs are really the sterotypically nice guys. Very kind, really sweet, church on Sunday and mama's house for brunch afterwards. That's my type, I'm a little feisty so I tend not to do so well with partners that are as feisty as me.
> 
> I cheated prior to ending my relationship, and even that was with a really nice guy, very sensitive lover.
> 
> ...


And here we have the classic relationship we read about all the time here. You pick a classic nice guy. Lose respect for the nice guy because he doesn't stand up to the fiesty you, and then you cheat on him with another nice guy. 

Lesson learned for us nice guys, here it is in writing.

Maybe you don't do well with fiesty men because they won't put up with your crap.


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## girly (Feb 25, 2014)

I do believe I was sexually aroused by him in the beginning, but time and relationship dynamics I believe affected my ability to become aroused and I didn't see it, I thought perhaps I was low drive or had some medical condition that affected my ability to get wet, google can convince you of a lot of things lol, I was thinking I had low estrogen or some other genital disorder. Because my relationship was "good" (stable and comfortable), so I didn't connect it with my arousal problems.



usmarriedguy said:


> In that case I really do not understand the purpose of the question.
> 
> "Why did I choose a partner that I was not sexually aroused by" would have been a more appropriate question I would think.
> 
> The answer to that I would find interesting.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## girly (Feb 25, 2014)

I think it was a loss of attraction more so than a loss of respect, but it could have been both
.


Always Learning said:


> And here we have the classic relationship we read about all the time here. You pick a classic nice guy. Lose respect for the nice guy because he doesn't stand up to the fiesty you, and then you cheat on him with another nice guy.
> 
> Lesson learned for us nice guys, here it is in writing.
> 
> Maybe you don't do well with fiesty men because they won't put up with your crap.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

girly said:


> I do believe I was sexually aroused by him in the beginning, but time and relationship dynamics I believe affected my ability to become aroused and I didn't see it, I thought perhaps I was low drive or had some medical condition that affected my ability to get wet, google can convince you of a lot of things lol, I was thinking I had low estrogen or some other genital disorder. Because my relationship was "good" (stable and comfortable), so I didn't connect it with my arousal problems.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Girly, I'm confused. Wouldn't you know fairly quickly whether you lost attraction for your BF? I would think a loss of attraction would be easy to pinpoint, and then you figure out what you want to do from there.

You mentioned that you cheated on your ex BF and are now with a new guy. Was this the first time you cheated on a BF? If you haven't cheated in the past, were you the one to always break up with your past BF's, or was it an even mix of dumping/being dumped? I know very little about you, but from what I've seen in this thread I'm guessing that I have a profile for you. Tell me if I'm wrong.

You have had a string of BFs that were all nice guys. You broke up with every BF you had (or the majority of them) and latched onto a new "nice guy" BF with very little time at being single. You may or may not have cheated on a regular basis. Is this correct? If so, do you see a pattern here???


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I agree with you. My point though is if the marriage is healthy and sexually rewarding, then both spouses are probably already open to being approached. This happens in my marriage periodically.


I don't disagree, but I think we might be talking about different slices of the apple.

What I was trying to (gently) point out is how easy it is to inadvertently incorporate an interrogative fallacy into the question via prior assumption of responsibility: 

Are men comfortable having sex with a woman that isn't aroused?​
-Of course not.

Are women comfortable imposing celibacy upon a man?​
-Of course not

Although the answer to both questions is, "No," I would argue that both questions are framed with a prior assumption of one gender being more responsible (And therefore more at fault when things go south) than the other.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

girly said:


> I think it was a loss of attraction more so than a loss of respect, but it could have been both
> .
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They go hand in hand. People don't just get uglier - unless they are letting themselves go from a health standpoint. Loss of respect leads to loss of attraction in most cases.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

girly said:


> I do believe I was sexually aroused by him in the beginning, but time and *relationship dynamics *I believe affected my ability to become aroused and I didn't see it, I thought perhaps I was low drive or had some medical condition that affected my ability to get wet, google can convince you of a lot of things lol, I was thinking I had low estrogen or some other genital disorder. Because my relationship was "good" (stable and comfortable), so I didn't connect it with my arousal problems.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What were those relationship dynamics?


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Think about this one and see if you would like it. I am in a sexless marriage and likely would be considered a semi nice guy.

I woke up about an hour before our alarm was to go off. The wife was tossing and turning after about a half hour of this I decided to spoon with her to see if she would go back to sleep. The alarm goes off a half hour later and the wife tries to jump out of bed. I told to relax for a few and started to kiss her shoulders and hold her just looking for some affection not full on sex or a quickie. She states it's a work day I have to get up, I don't have time. She jumps out of bed and heads to the shower.

An hour later as she is having the cup of coffe I made her she asks is the hot tub still open (she already knows the answer) I said yes. She says maybe we can go in after dinner tonight. I asked if her knee was still bothering her (from an arthritis flare up) she yes but I mean for something else. Right I understand excellent! I'm thinking.

At dinner on of our daughters asks the same "Dad is the hot tub still open"? Well that should be a reminder for my wife. Daughter does not use it. We finish clean up from dinner and do a few other things and it is now 8:00 PM time for her favorite show, she sits down to watch it and falls asleep in 30 minutes. I went to other room to watch another show. At 10:30 she wakes up stumbles to the room I am in and says "do you still want to go in the hot tub"? I said sure and down to open it up, she needed something to hold her hair. I get in and naked and wait for her. She comes in strips climbs in and sits on the opposite side. She then starts to talk about her work (her favorite subject) after about 15-20 minutes of work discussion she says "I am almost ready to get out are we gonna have some fun or not". She then puts some waterproof lube on me, turns around and says "lets try it this way" so we do it doggie style for a while, I then turned her back around facing me held and did PIV some more. I tried to kiss her on the lips while doing PIV and she turned her head away. 

I don't know how many of you have had sex in a hot tub but it is not all that easy the water causes a loss of sensation and at least for me is only good for fore play so to speak. I told her lets move to the bedroom so I can take care of you as well. She said no. I asked why not, she said "because I said no". Lets hurry up I am getting hot and tired. She ended up finishing me by hand and we went to bed. 

She seems to think pointing her a$$ at me and letting me have PIV should have been good. The whole hot tub idea was to make it easy for her, she would not have to get in the shower to clean up before or afterwards and I should be satisfied.

That was absolutely the worst duty sex I have ever had with her. This was only the second time we had sex since October 2013. I had stopped asking due to the pitiful duty sex.

So ya, duty sex sucks! I would rather handle it on my own!


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## girly (Feb 25, 2014)

I don't think I ever loss actual attraction for him, I always thought he was cute, definitely my type. But I wasn't aroused by him though I don't think it had much, if anything, to do with how handsome I thought he was.

The relationship affected my arousal, but it was still "good" so I didn't see that.

I'm not with anyone now, I'm single, dating. I ended the relationship about 5/6 months ago. I had two prior ltr, both ended in a pretty mutual split, college/early adulthood changes, you know. There wasn't any cheating involved as far as I know.



Plan 9 from OS said:


> Girly, I'm confused. Wouldn't you know fairly quickly whether you lost attraction for your BF? I would think a loss of attraction would be easy to pinpoint, and then you figure out what you want to do from there.
> 
> You mentioned that you cheated on your ex BF and are now with a new guy. Was this the first time you cheated on a BF? If you haven't cheated in the past, were you the one to always break up with your past BF's, or was it an even mix of dumping/being dumped? I know very little about you, but from what I've seen in this thread I'm guessing that I have a profile for you. Tell me if I'm wrong.
> 
> You have had a string of BFs that were all nice guys. You broke up with every BF you had (or the majority of them) and latched onto a new "nice guy" BF with very little time at being single. You may or may not have cheated on a regular basis. Is this correct? If so, do you see a pattern here???


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> TopsyTurvy5 Bless you for being so sensitive to your wife's needs. I have duty sex all the time with my Hubby. That is all I have with him 99% of the time. I to have a history of sexual abuse. My H knows this. But his answer to that delema is "Well I didn't do that to you so you shouldn't punish me by not wanting to have sex with me." It doesn't work that way for the female who has been abused.
> 
> I know my H (H= hubby) needs it. That is a fact of life. His hand is a good friend but his wife is well..... his wife and that is what he really wants. I have zero desire, between my brain and the abuse, and the antidepressants I take there is just not much hot sex. I hand out sex with the goal being he gets it once a week. He can have it if he wants it or he can decline if he wishes.
> 
> ...


Big Mama, before you comment, go and check my thread on what happened. When a partner treats you as if they are not attracted to you, does not make the effort to get psychological help, is in charge of what sexual can happen/when it can happen, etc... then they shouldn't be married. 

You may think I am a jerk, but I think I'm just fine. Try only having small talk with your husband and never anything with depth and mutual enjoyment. Now imagine that he can't wait to be done talking to you -every time you talk to him. He doesn't want to talk about talking to you, he just wants to do other things because of his past/pain. Sounds like fun, right? Sounds like something you would want to live with for years, right?

Yeah, that's what I thought.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

i would have to answer, that depends. My wife had what has been termed "responsive desire" which means she will often start sex in neutral but become aroused and have a great orgasm once we get into it. If I waited for her to think about sex, we would not have sex very often. But we both know that, although she may start out of "duty" she will soon will get VERY into it. 

That being said, there are rare times that she is just too tired and she will tell me to go ahead and enjoy myself. I view it as a very loving act. She wants to meet my needs. So I go ahead. 

So, if it is rare, and if the vast majority of the time she is really into it, it is fine.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Nope not comfortable with it. Id rather go sexless than get duty sex.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

TopsyTurvy - This does not make you a jerk. This makes you hurt but not a jerk. I did go back and read your story and I can fully understand why you are aggravated. You have been robbed. What someone did to your wife, also robbed you. And you are pissed her unwillingness to seek help and really put her heart in to it cost you the best years of your sexual life. Is that correct?

Let me tell you a little of my story. I promise to keep it short because I don;t want to raid someone elses thread. This thread is not about me, it is someone elses. 

I was raped orally, forced to preform oral sex, and eventually gave in because of being coerced. This happened more times then I can count 50+ most likely. This happened when I was 15 with a guy who was 19 0r 20 years old. Every weekend and sometimes during the week based on his need, for 9 months. 

Fast forward 5 years. I met my husband, we had sex before we got married. we had lots of sex. But he didn't know I did not want to have sex. Often afterwards I would cry on the way home when it was over, after we had sex. I cried before we has sex, I didn't want to do it but I didn't want to lose him either. So I did it alot. 

As the years passed he would badger me for sex. I didn't want to do it. We would argue about it, it was easier to give in then to put up a fight, and out of being coerced I had sex with him. This continued for years after we got married. He was doing the same thing my rapist did. 

I had no idea how rape affected my life. I just didn't know. I thought it happened, and nothing can be done now. I have been married for 20 years and I told my husband one year ago this month, what happened to me as a teenager. That blew him away. Now he feels like my not wanting to have sex is me withholding from him to make him pay for the errors of another man. We are in T for this issue and marriage counseling. It has helped, alot. But we still have huge issues. 

The other issue we have happens to be spousal abuse. He is not physically abusive, but he is very controlling and emotionally and verbally abusive. Those things in combination with the rape just make me not want to have anything to do with him sexually.

Topsy - You story makes me hope that when all this counseling is over and things appear to be back to normal my H's reaction is not the same as yours. It is justified and I completely get it. And if my H turns out to be angry at me for the years of bad sex, then I guess all I can say is "Guilty as Charged". I hope you can get the help you need to overcome this issue, if that is what you want to do at this point. If lack of sex is a deal breaker for my husband, then "so be it". I guess that is what I get.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Always Learning said:


> Think about this one and see if you would like it. I am in a sexless marriage and likely would be considered a semi nice guy.
> 
> I woke up about an hour before our alarm was to go off. The wife was tossing and turning after about a half hour of this I decided to spoon with her to see if she would go back to sleep. The alarm goes off a half hour later and the wife tries to jump out of bed. I told to relax for a few and started to kiss her shoulders and hold her just looking for some affection not full on sex or a quickie. She states it's a work day I have to get up, I don't have time. She jumps out of bed and heads to the shower.
> 
> ...


Man that is tough - I feel for you. Then again at least you are getting some type of action.


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> TopsyTurvy - This does not make you a jerk. This makes you hurt but not a jerk. I did go back and read your story and I can fully understand why you are aggravated. You have been robbed. What someone did to your wife, also robbed you. And you are pissed her unwillingness to seek help and really put her heart in to it cost you the best years of your sexual life. Is that correct?
> 
> Let me tell you a little of my story. I promise to keep it short because I don;t want to raid someone elses thread. This thread is not about me, it is someone elses.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing your story. I am very sorry to hear your abuse. My wife's abuse, while slightly different, is actually pretty similar in terms of impact, delayed action, etc... It really can crush a person's soul t be abused. I hope you have started the heal g process and are able to move on.

As for me, after 12 years of dealing with this, sacrificing, wondering what I was doing wrong, etc... I basically said, "We either need to address this issue and improve things, or I need to leave this marriage." Fortunately she understood that I had reached the end of my rope and there were not going to be any more second chances. 

I have always been supportive, loving, caring, and an absolute rock for her. (Her words, which I agree with.) I have sacrificed my needs to the point I lost a ton of self esteem and questioned my self worth. Again, like your husband, I was being punished for something I didn't do. Not intentionally, I understand, but at some point enough is enough for anyone.

Let me ask you, is there anything that your husband could take away that would tear you down, question your self worth, etc... like what I have described? Say he suddenly said he was abused with words when he was younger by a girlfriend, and now he longer wanted to talk to you. Would you be okay with that? Now say it lasted for a decade. Still okay?

I'm not minimizing your pain or my wife's pain, but at some point a person can't continue to be a martyr and constantly put the needs of their spouse over their own needs. If they do, they probably shouldn't be married.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I totally should have waited to get married. I married when I was 19. It was partly in effort to escape a not so great home life. My husband came along, he was someone wanted me. Even after being coerced into having sex with him quite frequently, I still married him. In hind sight I should have gotten help to deal with the rapes before we got married. But I really had no idea the impact it would ave on the rest of my life. 

You question was if my H came to me and told me after what I have told him, that his past contained sexual abuse or abuse as well, how would that make me feel? Not sure I read your question correctly. I would obviously feel bad for him, and I would most likely have as much confusion as he does about things. In a way my H was abused. Not sexually but physically by his dad. He watched his dad drink and put the bottle before ever other event in life. Christmas, birthdays, school functions. His dad beat him and his brothers. His dad had a hair trigger in terms of temper and my H never knew when he was gonna be slapped out of a chair or back handed, or flat out slugged. 

I am lucky that my H doesn't hit me. He certainly has the makings of a physical abuser. I do not allow him to put his hands on our children when it comes to discipline.

After re reading the above post, I think I have a better grasp on your question. Is there something my H could take from me, because of someone else, that would leave me devastated. 

Oh honey if you only knew. The things this man has taken from me in terms of abuse it is unreal. He has taken everything I have ever thrived on and smashed it. My love of animals, my dreams of horses, my ability to work with horses. He has taken away every ounce of my being with his treatment of me. The control, the lack of trust, the name calling, the loss of employment, loss of family and friends. He has turned me into a hermit, a prisoner he keeps locked in a house (emotionally and partially in reality) he does allow me to go out but he keeps me here with lack of gas money. When I am allowed out it is with tight time constraints. 

I am still expected to have sex with him, because that is what a wife does. So living in abuse I dissociate. Because of the rape and most likely CSA as well, I dissociate. For that reason I am not a willing partner. I do hate what it has done to his ego, but my case may be different from yours, and I do hope it is different. My H has done the same thing to my ego and self esteem. He has crushed me mentally and emotionally. I never meant to crush his ego even though I may have by accident. Given his destructive past I am sure his intent was not to destroy me. I'm not real sure what his intent was. Well it was most likely to bring the only kind of normalcy he knew, that of verbal and emotional abuse.

The option for me to have willing and wanting sex with him is not going to be happening any time soon. I didn't say never, just no time soon. We are in counseling for this at the moment and have been for almost 2 years. The things you say you feel I can totally see in my husband. After working on the abuse he dishes out, threw counseling, he is a managed to reach a tolerable point, and I hope we can get past this. He is indeed very bitter about all the crap that I have been threw. It tell him if you think you are bitter, think what it is like to be me. What it is like to live first hand the abuse and rape from another person. It is hell for you, you have no idea the hell it was for me.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I don't even know how it's possible for a woman to have sex when she isn't aroused. I certainly couldn't - and *I *wouldn't be comfortable with a man who expected me to.


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> I totally should have waited to get married. I married when I was 19. It was partly in effort to escape a not so great home life. My husband came along, he was someone wanted me. Even after being coerced into having sex with him quite frequently, I still married him. In hind sight I should have gotten help to deal with the rapes before we got married. But I really had no idea the impact it would ave on the rest of my life.
> 
> You question was if my H came to me and told me after what I have told him, that his past contained sexual abuse or abuse as well, how would that make me feel? Not sure I read your question correctly. I would obviously feel bad for him, and I would most likely have as much confusion as he does about things. In a way my H was abused. Not sexually but physically by his dad. He watched his dad drink and put the bottle before ever other event in life. Christmas, birthdays, school functions. His dad beat him and his brothers. His dad had a hair trigger in terms of temper and my H never knew when he was gonna be slapped out of a chair or back handed, or flat out slugged.
> 
> ...


Thank you for explaining the situation in more detail. Things are starting to make a lot more sense to me. It sounds like both of you have lived through some very traumatic events in your life. Are either/both of you in counseling?

My wife and each in individual counseling and it looks like we will be starting couples counseling again. My fingers are crossed that we can make it through. 

I wish you two all the best.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Try this.....put your arm behind your back, then lie on it till your arm goes to 'sleep'.
Then masturbate.....feels like someone else is doing it!


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

girly, 
don't pay too much attention to some of the responses you are getting here, because this is obviously triggering a lot of hurt feelings. Also there is a common myth that all women are only attracted to bad boys. 

Was this your longest sexual relationship? In other words with time this guy became boring? 

Some guys I think can be pretty mellow about sex and give the impression that they are a bit indifferent or not totally into you. This can set of a chain reaction, It cools you down and their response is to cool down even more. 

I can certainly see that you can find a person attractive but the sexual dynamic just does not work. I do think most guys will pick up on that and become more withdrawn or tentative because they do not just know how to change their style.

How sexual are you outside of a relationship? Do you think about sex and masturbate regularly? If so than I think you are normal or fairly high drive. If you only feel sexual in a relationship than I think you have responsive desire.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

usmarriedguy said:


> girly,
> don't pay too much attention to some of the responses you are getting here, because this is obviously triggering a lot of hurt feelings. Also *there is a common myth that all women are only attracted to bad boys. *


Hope you aren't referring to me. I mentioned that only as an example of how someone may not have had attraction for the person they ended up marrying. My goal was to see if the OP had a pattern where she got bored with her prior BFs, dumped them and moved on. She said she is attracted to nice guys. But my concern at the time was given she has a "feisty" attitude, maybe she liked the nice guys because she could control them. I think it ended up not being the case. Still have no clue why she settled for her previous BF. Also, I'm still a little confused by her terms attracted to and aroused. I don't understand how she could be attracted to her ex BF but never be aroused by him. It's probably just semantics and she's using the phrase "attracted to" to mean she simply thought he was handsome.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Plan 9...your avatar clown pic is too crazy! Just saying....


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I was actually referring to several posters including yours which I felt immediately jumped to the most negative stereotype that women only want to f^#k a-holes.

In this simplistic thinking the problem with the nice guy is never just that he is not so great a lover but that he treats her to well or he is too beta outside of the bedroom which causes her to loose respect for him.

While I suppose it is possible, I do not think that it is reasonable to just jump to that conclusion and I felt it was somewhat offensive.

(I do agree that your avatar looks like a psychopath)


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Topsy, we are both in counseling. We started marriage T, then a year into that I told the T about the rape. It took about 6 months to deal with that. Then we got back into marriage T. We work on things separate in our own separate sessions but the content we cover relates to each other. There is still a fear factor for me when it comes to speaking from my heart, since he was so nice as to stomp on it and scare the hell out of me. We have 3 sessions alone and one together to keep us on the same page, and fr her to kinda rate the fear factor on my part. 


Things are improving, slowly, very slowly. I'm not sure we will make it. I not sure I want us to, not sue I don;t want us to either. I have been kinda acclimated to doing what I am told and not thinking on my own. So I kinda don't know much of anything about what I want anymore.

I hope T helps you guys and things work out for you both. All we can do sometimes is fumble in the dark and continue towards the light. It is all we have left, and all we know how to do anymore.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Duty sex? Do I like it? Absolutely not! Let's examine it from two perspectives.

First the easy one: For example, let's say that I've made a 400 mile road trip to call a game, been on the road all day, drag back home all tucked and worn out from the drive down to the game site and back, had an absolute hellacious game to work, been going non-stop and I'm tired. And it's 2AM when I come dragging in. As I open the front door, wifey greets me and I can tell that she's in a randy mood and her estrogen engines are absolutely primed to pop. She knocks the officiating/book bags off of my arms, and strips my clothing totally down as clean as a piranha, leads me to the boudoir and attempts to have her way with me

Situation 1: As the male of the species, in about 99% of those moments, provided I've got a normal male heartbeat, I can "force?" myself to literally perform, but as is my custom, I just ravenously want to go to oral city on her first. Enough of that action recharges my batteries to the point that when I finish, I can give her one really good round of hot and sweaty sex largely to the point that when we finish with the "Big O," we're simply laying on sweaty sheets but so damn tired, we cuddle, fall asleep and don't wake up until 10:30 in the AM. Things went so well that it's near fantasy proportions!

Situation 2: Same scenario, although this time, the testosterone is running high this time. I enter the foyer to find her either reading a book in the study, or even laying in bed reading, or perhaps asleep, but turned in such a position that seeing her in the dim light, that her visible womanly wares simply stimulate my occular senses to where "rigor mortis" fastly sets in to my mid-section, demanding immediate satisfaction! I wake her up with some mildly-dirty "sweet nothings," and she knows that the "truck" is now in the bay and would love to be unloaded. "Duty sex" kicks in. Too lazy or comfortable to turn over and attempt to show some mutual reciprocity, she can lay there in the missionary, letting me pump away like she's one of Edgar Bergan's dummies, not showing the least bit of desire. Or if she's on her back, the same situation, I pretty much have to go "doggy" on a lifeless sack of flour with not a solitary muscle of hers exhibiting any discernible sign of movement, except for maybe an occasionally audible "Is this going to take long?" from out of her. Oral on her lifeless figure is just "yuck" with the precursory sex being something akin to "yuck-minus." Long story short: I absolutely hate it, because she ain't exactly into it, or it makes me somehow negatively rationalize that I'm the perpetrator of "wife rape." 

Maybe I'm wrong in saying this, but I feel that men seem more physiologically suited and far better able to respond to sexual stimuli than women are. I really don't know.

On a side note, I can remember that when my skanky XW was off making what she told me was her out-of-town "business trips" ~ much later, post-separation, found out to be nothing more than overnight "rumpus room" sessions with Li'l Lord Lardass and her other BF, she'd make it back home and hump the hell out of me, doing things that were absolutely breath-takingly exciting, and making me feel as if I was the only guy in the world for her. But when the sex was over though, I couldn't even get as much as a kiss out of her! I later found out that that was a cheater's strategy called "transference." First, it deferred any suspicion that she was even fooling around; and secondly, she was doing the same things with me(from a fantasy-sex standpoint) that she was doing with her other BF's.

So given those particular scenarios, my preference is to not do the obligatory duty sex thing; but much rather to have my wife into being as every bit as excited as I am to be in the marital bed with her! 

But then again, maybe that's the real fantasy!*


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## girly (Feb 25, 2014)

I do seem to be stirring hurt feelings, that's certainly not my intent.

This relationship was about as long as my two previous ltr's, went oe for a little more than a couple of years.
Maybe the words I'm using, attraction vs arousing are confusing to folks, but I think practically everyone has thought of someone as attractive without that be followed up with a desire to be intimate with that person.

I think I have a pretty normal non relationship sex life, I masturbate probabaly a couple times a week, most typically to porn, sometimes with a toy but most times without.

I think for some reasons I'm not fully aware of, my body wouldn't allow me to be aroused. And I intentionally denied sex play that I knew was arousing to me, because him doing it made me uncomfortable. I just wonder why it was specific to him.



usmarriedguy said:


> girly,
> don't pay too much attention to some of the responses you are getting here, because this is obviously triggering a lot of hurt feelings. Also there is a common myth that all women are only attracted to bad boys.
> 
> Was this your longest sexual relationship? In other words with time this guy became boring?
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugby (Dec 21, 2013)

To answer the OP's question, no I am not ok with it. My wife has never had any desire for sex. We were religious and waited until marriage to have sex. Suffice it to say that things never really got going. After years of rejection, I quit asking and lost all desire for her, which is a very normal biological response. Normal, psychologically healthy men with normal baseline hormones and biochemistry lose all interest in women who do not desire them. Why people feel the expectation of fidelity is normal in the absence of sex in a marriage defies logic. Irrespective of one's reasons for sexual aversion, the sexually averse partner has a responsibility to make their issues clear before entrapping the other person in a marriage. To deny your potential spouse full disclosure regarding your sexual issues and proclivities is immoral, in my opinion. It is nothing short if entrapment. If you are inherently nonsexual, extend your next relationship partner the courtesy of being honest about your feelings. Keeping him around with duty sex is a pretty sick thing to do. By all means, do not get pregnant by a guy you are not into sexually. That makes for a hellish nightmare for all involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I just noticed your other thread and can understand why he turned you off.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Most of it will depend upon the current state of the marriage plus the mood each spouse is in at the time. *Sometimes spouses want to please the other and would not feel violated or hurt in the least to have sex even if he/she is not in the mood at that time. * In most cases, the spouse not in the mood can be turned on through good foreplay. Other times, a spouse wants to give a gift to the other out of love. In a healthy and sexual marriage, there really isn't any "duty sex" even if you find those rare occasions when a spouse engages in sex even when not in the mood at the start.


I agree plan9.

For most of my 26 years of marriage, I would have said no, of course not. But my mindset has changed after her infidelity and our subsequent R.

Would I prefer she be completely aroused? Sure, I would. But to be honest, I don't worry about it any more; on those occasions when she isn't. 

For what-ever reason, frequency of sex is important to me post D-day. My wife understands that; and for now, that arrangement is working.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

I was once in a relationship with a man who was ugly inside and out. I was too damaged to walk away or choose better for myself. I hated to have sex with him because of the lack of attraction. He didn't care whether or not I enjoyed sex or not....just as long as he had his fun. 

Years later, I asked him how he could enjoy sex with a woman who didn't want it. This question made him very angry; I think he felt ashamed for bullying me into having sex. 

I still make love with my husband on the rare occasions that I don't feel like it. He is my husband after all and I am the only one he is sexually intimate with, so I don't mind making my husband happy if I am not in the mood. Once we start kissing and caressing, I tend to become more aroused than I expected.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Big Mama said:


> TopsyTurvy - This does not make you a jerk. This makes you hurt but not a jerk. I did go back and read your story and I can fully understand why you are aggravated. You have been robbed. What someone did to your wife, also robbed you. And you are pissed her unwillingness to seek help and really put her heart in to it cost you the best years of your sexual life. Is that correct?
> 
> Let me tell you a little of my story. I promise to keep it short because I don;t want to raid someone elses thread. This thread is not about me, it is someone elses.
> 
> ...


My heart aches for you. I believe that your traumatic experiences were part of the reason you married a man like your husband. We gravitate towards what is familiar, even if it is poisonous for us. 

The pain of CSA and rape as an adult led me to choose a very controlling man when I was younger. I mentioned him in my last post. He coerced me into sex even though he knew about my sexual trauma. 

My husband is a very gentle yet passionate lover. He takes his time and starts foreplay long before we end up in bed. Most of all, my husband nudges me towards being more emotionally intimate with him when it comes to sex. There is a lot of eye contact, kissing and speaking which keeps me from floating away mentally.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Charlotte - Thank you for your kind words. It does appear I gravitated to some one who has known abuse all his life as well and who doesn't know how to be nice to others. We have sex, and I try to give it to him maybe every other week. Which I know is not much, but it is better then nothing and he does take it. I just have no desire, between the meds, the rape, the CSA, and the spousal abuse, to enjoy sex is just not in the cards at this time. I am not saying never, but not at this time. I don;t know when it will be in the cards. That is what makes it so difficult for my H. And he doesn't understand it is no walk in the park for me either.


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## Unit4 (Mar 15, 2009)

duty sex all the way. It's what brought my marriage a lot more to be a two person endeavor. At ~18yrs, she became LD, just busy, not on her mind. It could be 4 days, or 4 weeks and she wouldn't care if or when I'd had it, or not, unless I communicated what it was doing to me. About a once a week "duty" was a high point, with her initiating non-duty on rare, but memorable, ocassions. 

Sex is something you can fall out of doing, and it has consequences. I blew it when "duty" became more "duty-like", from her, and a "get on with it" type attitude eventually re-opened a porn door, for me. Now, i'm punished for months for something I really should not have turned to, but is not the problem it once was. Not sleeping in the same room, on my basically rejecting the idea of being around someone who rejects me when the idea of sex arrives. She was evidently expecting to still use me as the lean-on guy, calls, time shopping together. IOW, the non-sex stuff that has become what works for her. Yeah, i like most of that too, but couple the intimacy with rejection, in the end, and it just becomes a tease. We're both retreating. I'm sexless, she's sexless, and duty sex that could have at least kept me on "the chase" and engaged at all levels, is off the table. Beyond kid arrangements, we've hardly looked at each other in three weeks.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

I am 45...In all my years of sexual activity, starting with masturbation at 13...in ALL of my fantasies, even the most kinky ones, the woman is SOAKING sopping wet, breathless, begging for more, cumming her brains out, out of control

NEVER have I ever, even in my bondage/blindfolded and chained to the bed fantasy stage, did I EVER fantasize about a woman, dry, in pain, crying, asking me to stop, just lying there waiting for it to be over

a HUGE part of my sexual gratification is getting her off...

so no, I want not part of sex with someone who is not arroused
I have had a lot of duty sex and I have always managed an erection, she has always managed wetness and some level of enjoyment...but if my partner was never arroused it would be time for the "we need help" talk

ANYONE who thinks they can be married to ONE person for 10+ years, remaining faithful...and NEVER have duty sex is phukking crazy...2 people can not be on the same page 24/7/360 for decades...it can and will happen...but if it is ALWAYS duty sex, time for changes...work at it or end it, or be celibate


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