# Career or More Kids? Desperate for Advice...



## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

I joined this board specifically to ask for some help with an issue I'm struggling with. I don't really have any family or friends who would understand my problem to give me reasonable responses. *If you don't care for all the details, my main concern is in the last paragraph and you can just look there to help me out.* 

My fiance and I have been together for almost 3 years and we will both be turning 30, this year. I think he's a great guy and, in many ways, he's been exactly what I was looking for. I had a really frustrating upbringing. My parents were very, very young when they had me. Top that with the fact that they are the poster children of dysfunctional relationships. My parents divorced, at one point, but then re-married and had my brother when I was 15 years old. Their life was a mess and I was stuck raising my brother beyond an appropriate, occasional babysitting situation most parents would ask for. My grades suffered, not that they were any good to begin with. When I was 18, I met my daughter's father. He always was and still is a mess of a human being. I just wanted to get out of my parents home so bad, I guess I put up with everything. Seeing my parents dysfunction made me think that what I had in my own relationship was normal. My daughter was born when I was 20 and I left her dad when I was 23, due to his drug abuse and cheating. 

During that time, my parents divorced again. Neither of them had much going on in life and being that I was closer with my dad, I asked him if he wanted to be roommates. He was trying to finally specialize in something and said that we would be able to help each other start our lives over. That didn't go the way I planned. It seemed like he enjoyed my help with the bills but wasn't interested in helping me with my daughter so that I could progress. He just wanted me to help him pay for a nicer apartment where he could bring the various women he was dating, and he couldn't afford that on his own. He finally met someone he wanted to live with at which point he basically told me I'd have to move out. I felt like I was taken advantage of but did what I had to do. I couldn't turn to my mom given her drinking problem and the fact that she was moving in with someone new, every month. Just a bad situation.

I got my own ****ty basement apartment and lived there for a couple of years, with my child and my cat. I began dating someone I was friends with for a long time. He was a really nice guy and taught me what type of person I wanted to end up with. We were together for 2 years but ultimately split up because I wanted another child or two before age 35...and he didn't want to start until his 40s (if ever). 

A couple of months after that breakup, I took a new job and met my fiance. He's a good guy with a good heart and a really nice, big family. He seemed to really like me and didn't play games...and the cherry on top was that he's very good looking with a good job. I felt lucky when he wanted me to get an apartment with him and especially when he asked me to marry him about a year and a half into our relationship. My daughter adores him and I think he's a really good paternal role model for her. The catch? The catch is that karma's a ***** and I'm getting bitten in the ass. 

Over the years, I've felt suffocated in my career. I've been working these dinky Office Administration jobs that lead to nothing. They crush my soul and don't pay me nearly enough to move up in life. I just don't know how much more of it I can handle. For the past year, I've been lucky enough to have had a role that lets me work from home 90% of the time. A few months ago, I started looking into going back to school for trades. I want a job that's physical without the corporate, stuffy bullcrap. I hate sitting on my ass all day and I'd rather own a company that specializes in a trade, some day. Just as I was doing my research, my company informed me that I'd be getting laid off at the end of the month because their biggest contract was moving everything in-house. It messed up all the plans I made and I've been having a lot of stress and anxiety about it. I looked into a few programs that interest me but everything worthwhile would take about 3-4 years of school. After that, I'd have to dive right in to my career to reap the benefits of my education. I'm not sure I would be able to do all of that and still have a child before 35. 

The reason this is such an issue is because from the time I was 15, I have been someone's "mommy". First it was my brother, then I had my own child. Things are slowly becoming easier as she's getting older and I don't want to bring myself back to square one as soon as my daughter is old enough to take care of herself. Beyond that, if (goodness forbid) anything ever happened in my relationship, I'd have nothing to fall back on. As opposed to my fiance, I don't have a decent job or freedom from children or a supportive family. I'm alone. I just want to feel like I can take care of myself and my kid, if anything were to happen. My fiance isn't really asking for much. He'd be happy with 1 kid but he wants at least one. I'm not sure what to do. I want more kids but I don't want to be irresponsible about it. I almost feel like it's boiling down to me either pursuing my career at the expense of anymore children or having children and having my soul crushed in an office, forever. My fiance thinks I should keep on my current path and then take some mat leave and be an office worker/mom. I don't want that. It doesn't feel like stability, to me. I feel vulnerable and it's because I've been burned in the past, any time I let someone else take the lead. I know this is very long and very loaded but I would appreciate some advice or something that makes sense in all the chaos.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It would be his kid too so the fiance would be there to co-parent while you are also working on school and your career which will be a big help in balancing the 2. People can have both if they want, giving up one for the other either way could make you regret things down the road. 
You still have a lot of time to think about it. I would figure out your career path first, get school started and then discuss how another child will fit into it all.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Chances are that even if you got an education, you'd start at the bottom rung of the ladder and it would be years before you got ahead and/or started your own business. Having another child would then set you back even further.

You're right to be a little gun shy about depending on someone else however you can't have it both ways. If you really like this guy and he is a good person who can take care of you and your kid(s), then it seems to me that grabbing the chance to expand your family now is the right idea.

Look... a lot of us work in soul-crushing jobs, but it's a paycheck. It doesn't define our lives. It's admirable (and I'm jealous) to want to work in jobs where you can get ahead and maybe even be your own boss but sometimes it doesn't happen.

One other thing... your current boyfriend likes you as you are now. What happens when your time is consumed by school and your child, then your child and you owning your own business? It will probably change the dynamics of your relationship.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> Look... a lot of us work in soul-crushing jobs, but it's a paycheck. It doesn't define our lives.


Amen brother.


When the job does start to define your life kiss goodbye any other relationship you might have. The job will consume you.


----------



## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

I'm trying to think of a scenario in which I could do both but it doesn't seem like it can be done well. I'm trying to undo a lot of damage and bad decisions from my younger days. It's not easy but I pride myself on the way I've raised my daughter, with virtually no help. It was very, very hard. That's why I think I'll always have that nagging fear of having to do that over. I know my fiance is here right now but if anything ever happened, I'd need to feel secure in my abilities to be strong. 

I try not to let my current career wear me down but I can't help it. Admins are a dime-a-dozen and most companies in my city want one with a Business Degree from a college if they're going to pay anything over 45K. There's very little advancement and I'm bothered by the fact that you're judged on your ability to kiss ass rather than your work. Skilled tradespeople are in demand, in my city. The average person makes more within the 1st 2 years on an apprenticeship than I do at my current job. That doesn't even graze what company owners can rake in. 

We give each other space, in our relationship. We spend a lot of time together but it's because we want to. Neither of us bugs the other if we need some personal time to focus on hobbies or something. I don't know if a baby or school would upset that balance but one of the decisions need to be made, at some point. I also kind of resent the fact that my uterus binds me to having to take mat leave. I could have the kid and happily allow my fiance to take paternity leave. I just think he kind of compares us to his own parents which was a different time. His dad is the educated, sole provider and his mom is a homemaker who spent her life raising 4 kids. I'm just not that warm and fuzzy, I guess.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Will it be a deal breaker or cause of resentment down the road for him if you decide not to have another child. 

It's a perfectly fine choice to decide to focus on your career and future and not have another child. I know there's a lot of pressure and stigma and there shouldn't be. Just be clear with him that it may not happen.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My opinion has always been that an adult should be able to support themselves with some kind of skill or career, should they need to. That's independent of being in a relationship or married, with or without kids. Marriages fail, a spouse can die or be disabled and unable to support the family. What then? IMO, build a secure foundation to ensure basic needs are met, then pursue everything else - (more) education (unless education is needed first), (more) children, a better career, travel, or whatever else.


----------



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I NEVER regret getting my degree. I went to school, full time, as a wife and the mother to 3 small children. When we moved (exH was military) I was able to finish up my degree via distance education at the same university I had attended physically. DEFINITELY helped when I got tossed (along with the then 4 kids) on my butt by my ex.

Do not set yourself up to rely on anyone but yourself. My degree was pretty much the only thing that got me the (soul crushing, haha) job I have now. But you CAN do both.....be a mom and work/get your education. I did. And my kids didn't suffer for it. They are fine.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> When the job does start to define your life kiss goodbye any other relationship you might have. The job will consume you.



Heres a hint from someone who has a super fun job he loves. 

It's still a job. 

As said above, don't let it consume you.


----------



## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

I got the impression that it would be a deal breaker for him if I didn't want to have anymore kids. He grew up in a big, loving family so I think he wants to have a relationship with a child of his own, too. He always tells me that I'm unrealistic in terms of what I expect from myself. He thinks that as long as we're doing, at least as well as our peers, we shouldn't worry. Likewise, I think he's unrealistic about how much a child changes in a family and just how big of an expense children are. That's why we're having some trouble fully seeing eye-to-eye on this situation.

I've done the job I was qualified to do for long enough. I know a job is just a job but I get antsy in situations where I don't use my mind or body. The last few jobs, it's been sitting in front of a computer screen, snacking on food and doing mindless data entry. I might as well rot. I need something where I can move and think and be judged for the quality of my work. That excites me. That would make me happy to come home to my family, at the end of the day. So far, the soul crushing has caused me to gain 15lbs in 2 years and I'm unbearable after a day of dealing with airheads. It feels like a death trap.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I think you should learn the trade you're interested in. But I also think that you can do that AND have another child, so I'm not 100% sure it's an either/or situation here. It sounds to me like you don't want another one (which I totally understand! I had to stop at 2.) Unfortunately, it also sounds like no second baby might be a dealbreaker for your relationship.

What a tough situation. On the one hand, you have a responsible partner now. He can do a large portion of the work. It shouldn't feel like being a single mom again. And if you do split, he sounds like the kind of guy who would still be a dad and would pay child support if you had primary custody.

On the other hand, if it doesn't go smoothly, you might end up really resentful. Then you lose the relationship and maybe the career too.

It sounds like you know what you want (career, keep it to one kid). I think you should have a heart-to-heart with your H and explain. I hope you guys can come to an agreement.


----------



## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

northernlights said:


> I think you should learn the trade you're interested in. But I also think that you can do that AND have another child, so I'm not 100% sure it's an either/or situation here. It sounds to me like you don't want another one (which I totally understand! I had to stop at 2.) Unfortunately, it also sounds like no second baby might be a dealbreaker for your relationship.
> 
> What a tough situation. On the one hand, you have a responsible partner now. He can do a large portion of the work. It shouldn't feel like being a single mom again. And if you do split, he sounds like the kind of guy who would still be a dad and would pay child support if you had primary custody.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I hope so, too. I know that he would be a great dad, no matter who it was with or whether it was ours and we'd split. I trust that he wouldn't leave us with nothing like my daughter's dad did. I want to talk things over with my fiance but I would, ideally, like to meet somewhere in the middle. I don't really know how to breech the subject. He gets pretty wound up. He's not destructive or abusive but he has issues controlling his emotional outbursts when I bring up touchy subjects. I could be happy having another kid or two. I just don't want a child to cost me a good career that I think I could be happy in. If we were to have a child right after I graduated, I could live with that. Especially if he'd be open to taking paternity leave. I just want to get the point across that I'm not sure, yet, if I'd be able to graduate and find a decent job quickly enough to make everything happen before I hit my "no more babies" age.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

there's a lot of online learning or part-time learning that you could do even with a young child under foot. You could factor that in in your planning / risk analysis.


----------



## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> there's a lot of online learning or part-time learning that you could do even with a young child under foot. You could factor that in in your planning / risk analysis.


That's true, however, it's nearly impossible to do trades online, in my city. We have strict laws about the experience and certifications of our carpenters, plumbers and construction tradespeople. That's part of what makes it a pain in the ass for me


----------



## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

What are the apprenticeship options available?

My husband was in his union electrician apprenticeship when our son was born. He worked days in his trade and then had night classes twice/week. It was a lot of work but it was great! He got paid and we had excellent union benefits while he got his training. He was able to apply his classes to get college credits as well. 

It can absolutely be done if you have a supportive spouse. It put more work on me, true, but we both knew it would be worth it in the long run.

The flip side is, I worked and our son went into daycare early. We made enough money together to ensure that it was a very high quality daycare. He is four now and he has thrived. 

It sounds like you are on a great path, truly. If you are career-driven, then it is very busy but also incredibly fulfilling and empowering to have a loving family, wonderful kids, and a solid career. Life is very challenging but the foundation feels solid when you have all of these items.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Small point.

You can run your own company at 50. You cant make a baby most likely.

Sorry. My time machine is in the shop or i would letyou borrow it to unmake all your mistakes.

Suggestion. If you decide to let him impregnate you, Talk to him about all logistics like diaper duty etc and get it fully agreed on ahead of time.

Suggest. Tell him the agreement is exactly one child, not two.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

What rose aglow said to the 99th power. Wish i could like her post ten times. Post of the day.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You can go to school and have a child. Many women do it. It is hard, and exahausting, and the father needs to be supportive (not just verbally, but by actions). You seem to have enough brains and determination to achieve it if you set your mind to it.

The real question is whether you do want another child? with all the diapers, sleepless nights, adventures trips to grocery story. I'm getting PTSD just thinking about it. do you have it in you or not?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bam, does your bf support you being a SAHM and not brining in any money? From things said, it sounds like he wants you to have a child and continue to work.

Make sure that whatever you do, you have his full agreement. 

I agree with what RoseAglow wrote above. You could have a baby, take classes and be ready to go back to work in a new career field by the time your child is in school. That sounds like a win-win situation for you. 

Would he be supportive if you did that?


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Bam85 said:


> I joined this board specifically to ask for some help with an issue I'm struggling with. I don't really have any family or friends who would understand my problem to give me reasonable responses. *If you don't care for all the details, my main concern is in the last paragraph and you can just look there to help me out.*
> 
> My fiance and I have been together for almost 3 years and we will both be turning 30, this year. I think he's a great guy and, in many ways, he's been exactly what I was looking for. I had a really frustrating upbringing. My parents were very, very young when they had me. Top that with the fact that they are the poster children of dysfunctional relationships. My parents divorced, at one point, but then re-married and had my brother when I was 15 years old. Their life was a mess and I was stuck raising my brother beyond an appropriate, occasional babysitting situation most parents would ask for. My grades suffered, not that they were any good to begin with. When I was 18, I met my daughter's father. He always was and still is a mess of a human being. I just wanted to get out of my parents home so bad, I guess I put up with everything. Seeing my parents dysfunction made me think that what I had in my own relationship was normal. My daughter was born when I was 20 and I left her dad when I was 23, due to his drug abuse and cheating.
> 
> ...


You're only 29. You still have time to have a baby. I had my first child at 41. What is your gut telling you? When you're in school or when you're working you could put the baby in daycare. There are some fantastic daycares. My son goes to one. Is the man you are marrying expecting he will be your partner or is he going to expect you to do everything? What has he said when you've said that you don't want to continue on the current path? This is your path. Don't let anyone talk you out of what you want for your life.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Bam85 said:


> I'm trying to think of a scenario in which I could do both but it doesn't seem like it can be done well. I'm trying to undo a lot of damage and bad decisions from my younger days. It's not easy but I pride myself on the way I've raised my daughter, with virtually no help. It was very, very hard. That's why I think I'll always have that nagging fear of having to do that over. I know my fiance is here right now but if anything ever happened, I'd need to feel secure in my abilities to be strong.
> 
> I try not to let my current career wear me down but I can't help it. Admins are a dime-a-dozen and most companies in my city want one with a Business Degree from a college if they're going to pay anything over 45K. There's very little advancement and I'm bothered by the fact that you're judged on your ability to kiss ass rather than your work. Skilled tradespeople are in demand, in my city. The average person makes more within the 1st 2 years on an apprenticeship than I do at my current job. That doesn't even graze what company owners can rake in.
> 
> We give each other space, in our relationship. We spend a lot of time together but it's because we want to. Neither of us bugs the other if we need some personal time to focus on hobbies or something. I don't know if a baby or school would upset that balance but one of the decisions need to be made, at some point. I also kind of resent the fact that my uterus binds me to having to take mat leave. I could have the kid and happily allow my fiance to take paternity leave. I just think he kind of compares us to his own parents which was a different time. His dad is the educated, sole provider and his mom is a homemaker who spent her life raising 4 kids. I'm just not that warm and fuzzy, I guess.


You sound like you wouldn't be happy if you don't do this. I'm sorry, I don't think that staying in a job you are miserable in is that sustainable. You will still be in your early 30's when you get the degree. You start a job. Moms work and raise children all the time. Is your husband wanting you stay home?


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Bam85 said:


> I got the impression that it would be a deal breaker for him if I didn't want to have anymore kids. He grew up in a big, loving family so I think he wants to have a relationship with a child of his own, too. He always tells me that I'm unrealistic in terms of what I expect from myself. He thinks that as long as we're doing, at least as well as our peers, we shouldn't worry. Likewise, I think he's unrealistic about how much a child changes in a family and just how big of an expense children are. That's why we're having some trouble fully seeing eye-to-eye on this situation.
> 
> I've done the job I was qualified to do for long enough. I know a job is just a job but I get antsy in situations where I don't use my mind or body. The last few jobs, it's been sitting in front of a computer screen, snacking on food and doing mindless data entry. I might as well rot. I need something where I can move and think and be judged for the quality of my work. That excites me. That would make me happy to come home to my family, at the end of the day. So far, the soul crushing has caused me to gain 15lbs in 2 years and I'm unbearable after a day of dealing with airheads. It feels like a death trap.


That's not good. He should be supporting you full on. You need to make it really clear what you are going to do and what is going to make you happy. If he is not supportive, then maybe he is not the right guy for you.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

If your now fiancé cannot support you as a SAHM with two children, don't marry him. From your posts it appears that he wants you to have another child with him and continue to work at the job that you hate. Also consider that you have no family support system. Both your parents live selfishly and are both a mess!

Going to school and getting pregnant at the same time? You will fail your courses. I'm an educator for over 25 years. I see students who get pregnant and they end up dropping from the courses or fail because they don't feel well, miss classes, and get failing grades.

My mother was a working mother and very stressed and unhappy most of the time. I vowed not to be like my mother. I'm a career woman, ongoing 35 years married, and elected to have no children. I'm happy with my choice.

Whichever way you decide in your life, consider what you need for yourself in order to thrive (not survive) in this lifetime.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> If your now fiancé cannot support you as a SAHM with two children, don't marry him. From your posts it appears that he wants you to have another child with him and continue to work at the job that you hate. Also consider that you have no family support system. Both your parents live selfishly and are both a mess!
> 
> Going to school and getting pregnant at the same time? You will fail your courses. I'm an educator for over 25 years. I see students who get pregnant and they end up dropping from the courses or fail because they don't feel well, miss classes, and get failing grades.
> 
> ...


I took classes the last tri-mester of my pregnancy. The only glitch was that my son came the weekend before finals week. But the profs were understanding and I did fine. It can work.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> If your now fiancé cannot support you as a SAHM with two children, don't marry him. From your posts it appears that he wants you to have another child with him and continue to work at the job that you hate. Also consider that you have no family support system. Both your parents live selfishly and are both a mess!
> 
> Going to school and getting pregnant at the same time? You will fail your courses. I'm an educator for over 25 years. I see students who get pregnant and they end up dropping from the courses or fail because they don't feel well, miss classes, and get failing grades.
> 
> ...


Doesn't sound like she wants to be a SAHM unless I misunderstood.


----------



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Roselyn said:


> If your now fiancé cannot support you as a SAHM with two children, don't marry him. From your posts it appears that he wants you to have another child with him and continue to work at the job that you hate. Also consider that you have no family support system. Both your parents live selfishly and are both a mess!
> 
> Going to school and getting pregnant at the same time? You will fail your courses. I'm an educator for over 25 years. I see students who get pregnant and they end up dropping from the courses or fail because they don't feel well, miss classes, and get failing grades.
> 
> ...


Yea, I took finals 8.5 months pregnant and did well. Also started the next set of classes when my oldest was 4 DAYS old. It's about determination. She sounds very determined. 

OP, 29 is YOUNG! YOUNG YOUNG. LOL! You have plenty of time to get your education and then have another baby, if that's what you want. I have friends having babies now at 35+. LOTS of them, actually. I"m personally done, but that's because of my life situations. (And I'm "fixed." LOL!) 

You sound like you have my problem......you are an over thinker. Planning is a GOOD thing, but you shouldn't think up problems that don't exist. You ARE a responsible person, from what I can tell. Very much so. I have been tossing around the idea of going back to school myself......but feel the need to wait until my children get through college. That means I will be 45+ before I go back. I want to go to vet school too......8+ years of schooling, I"m sure. (If not more, still lacking prerequisits because I majored in business for my bachelors.)

My point is, this is ENTIRELY possible! Your F sounds supportive. PLan it out, have back up plans, and try to quit stressing about it. You WILL find ways to make it all work if it's what you truly want.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

With my first I was in school. Did very well. Took a 6 month break after the baby and went back into school. Never failed a class. With my second I worked until the day before I had her. Took my mat leave and went back. 

Working Mothers do not have to be stressed and unhappy. Many find a good balance. 

I get the worry. With my first I was a single Mom too. You know the reality of raising kid(s) on your own and don't want to put yourself in a position of dependence on someone else in case it happens again. 
This is what I got out of the OPs posts. OP- correct me if I'm wrong.
I think being a SAHM would be counterproductive to OP's needs. She needs to be in a job that doesn't suck the life out of her. She needs to be able to take care of herself, her child and any other children that may come on her own IF she is ever in the position of being a single Mother again. She understands life doesn't always work out how you want and being prepared for that is a good idea. 

I am a similar age with kids who are getting to that older, more independent stage and it's nice to be able to have some focus on yourself and your own needs again. To be you, not just Mommy all the time. Starting from the beginning again is a lot of change that will set that focus more on yourself stage back another 6-8 years. I know I couldn't do it. 

And OP- you can have both a job that isn't miserable AND doesn't take over your whole life. I like my job just fine, my H loves his job. Neither of us let work consume us. Work stays at work and home is home.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Pooh Bear said:


> I took classes the last tri-mester of my pregnancy. The only glitch was that my son came the weekend before finals week. But the profs were understanding and I did fine. It can work.



Our second girl was born in the middle of the semester  same experience...

Hardest part was to find a babysitter for a two week old infant so my wife could take the test. Ended up convincing a visiting nurse service to send us a pediatric nurse


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

john117 said:


> Our second girl was born in the middle of the semester  same experience...
> 
> Hardest part was to find a babysitter for a two week old infant so my wife could take the test. Ended up convincing a visiting nurse service to send us a pediatric nurse


Luckily, my husband has a job where he could take 8 weeks leave. It was awesome.


----------

