# How do I prevent infidelity?



## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

I'm worried that my husband and I are heading towards divorce. We have no intimacy left (sexual or otherwise) and essentially live like roommates. We've been married 7 years, no kids. I realized that it was always me making the first move - saying I love you each day, hugging him or asking for a hug, holding his hand, initiating sex (although he did used to do this occasionally). So when I stopped (after talking to him about how I'd love for him to step up) he just let it drop. When I tried to get him to talk about our relationship not being affectionate or close, he made the comment "well, you're my wife, not my best friend". When I talked about seeing a therapist he proudly announced that this would never happen - he didn't believe in talking about personal stuff with a stranger. He will not communicate. We now are lucky to have sex once every other month. I kiss him goodbye on the cheek each morning. He occasionally requests a back scratch in bed. Sex is ONLY initiated by me - unless he's had too much ambien and then its really BAD sex. 
I had kind of accepted the fact that this must be the type of relationship he expects and wants. I decided ok, its either accept that we're "just friends" and live with it or get divorced. REALLY not interested in going through a divorce. I've been there, done that. But now I fear he may be cheating - or looking to cheat (profiles online, going out with vague "I'm meeting the guys" at the last minute). Its very frustrating since I would love to fix us and have tried everything I can think of including "being his girlfriend" - sexy, fun, affectionate. He likes it, but then gives nothing in return. I've tried talking to him and making him aware that I'll do anything to fix us but he won't talk - AT ALL. What am I supposed to do?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Leave him.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He was probably doing that all along.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Leave or make excuses and live with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

You now need to start monitoring him. Either hire a PI or you need to pop a VAR in his car. You will need to check all social media, texts and emails to check to see if he is cheating and to start gathering evidence to divorce him.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

File for divorce. One person cannot salvage a relationship alone. You've communicated clearly, you've done your part, he is simply not interested in doing his. You can't make him, you can only control what you do. Life with him will not get better if he makes no effort at all, so improve your life without him.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Sounds like he has a hardened attitude and is fairly confident you'll keep putting up with it. 

You need to know that guys like this are emotional bullies because they are willing to devastate you to get their way. That's not a partner anyone in their right mind would want, but you are not in your right mind because you are committed to him and the marriage beyond rational thought. Love does this to us and it's not always bad. 

Either way you need to decide if you will a) be willing to put up with it and stay the same, or b) be willing to leave the marriage. The following counsel is geared for option b). 

He is the one who currently has the leverage in this relationship because he appears to be less emotionally invested in it than you are. But then again, he might just be bluffing and actually care deep down inside. It's time to shift the balance of power to reveal who he really is so you can act accordingly. 

Since you have already unsuccessfully tried to reason with him and appeal to his decency in regard to your feelings I think you must now speak to him in the only language he is willing to understand ... force, emotional force. 

This means you are ready, willing and able to do what he doesn't think you will do. Pleading for counseling is lame. Explaining your feelings is lame. Appealing to his decency is lame. WORDS ARE LAME when it comes to making your point to a guy like this. Time for actions. 

Discreetly go see a lawyer and have divorce papers drawn up and plan to protect your interests. Have hubby served divorce papers while you simultaneously go dark on him. Let him stew in his juices while you stay dark for a good spell, this will help reveal to you who he really is. 

If he remains a jerk then proceed with the divorce. If he goes into panic mode and starts to move heaven and earth to save the marriage you might have a chance to save it now that you have his attention. The divorce papers can always be set aside later. 

You must make it clear you will not tolerate his nonsense any more and you must mean it and be willing to see the divorce through if you have any chance of getting out of the stalemate you are currently in. 

Either way, you either divorce a jerk, or tame a bully who might be able to reform. It's better than where you are now. Many women don't have the fortitude to enter this conflict so they either keep putting up with it or become a walk away wife. I don't recommend either. 

I feel marriage is worth rescuing, but it can only be done if both spouses are willing. Sometimes you must be willing to divorce a poor marriage partner in order to get a good one. It's up to your husband to decide if he will become the good one and I think the serving of divorce papers is the only way to expedite his choice. Good luck.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

SARAHMCD said:


> I'm worried that my husband and I are heading towards divorce. We have no intimacy left (sexual or otherwise) and essentially live like roommates. We've been married 7 years, no kids. I realized that it was always me making the first move - saying I love you each day, hugging him or asking for a hug, holding his hand, initiating sex (although he did used to do this occasionally). So when I stopped (after talking to him about how I'd love for him to step up) he just let it drop. When I tried to get him to talk about our relationship not being affectionate or close, he made the comment "well, you're my wife, not my best friend". When I talked about seeing a therapist he proudly announced that this would never happen - he didn't believe in talking about personal stuff with a stranger. He will not communicate. We now are lucky to have sex once every other month. I kiss him goodbye on the cheek each morning. He occasionally requests a back scratch in bed. Sex is ONLY initiated by me - unless he's had too much ambien and then its really BAD sex.
> I had kind of accepted the fact that this must be the type of relationship he expects and wants. I decided ok, its either accept that we're "just friends" and live with it or get divorced. REALLY not interested in going through a divorce. I've been there, done that. But now I fear he may be cheating - or looking to cheat (profiles online, going out with vague "I'm meeting the guys" at the last minute). Its very frustrating since I would love to fix us and have tried everything I can think of including "being his girlfriend" - sexy, fun, affectionate. He likes it, but then gives nothing in return. I've tried talking to him and making him aware that I'll do anything to fix us but he won't talk - AT ALL. *What am I supposed to do?*


Get some IC to work out why you allow yourself to be treated like a nobody. Then when you learn to value yourself get your act together and move on, find a healthier place to be, either alone or with a man that truly loves and values you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You cannot prevent infidelity. Why? Because you have no control whatsoever as to what anyone else decides to do, including your husband. Everyone has a free will. And they exercise it every single day. 

And from what you have posted, I'd say there's a good chance hubs is already playing slap-and-tickle with another woman. I mean, c'mon, a vague "I'm meeting the guys" excuse? 

I walked out on my husband when I realized I was nothing more than a prop for him to use so he could convince himself he was "normal" and not a raging drunk. Denial, denial, denial ... and I played a role in that hot mess.

We all deserve some happiness in this life, and I truly believe a fair amount of our unhappiness is based on hoping other people will somehow complete us or make us happy.

That's a myth. I make myself happy or unhappy. My life. My choices.

And I'm one he!!luva lot happier living alone rather than in a sexless, drama-ridden, addiction-laden marriage.

Time for you to get your focus off your husband and get it firmly on yourself. You deserve more out of life.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

SARAHMCD said:


> I'm worried that my husband and I are heading towards divorce. We have no intimacy left (sexual or otherwise) and essentially live like roommates. We've been married 7 years, no kids. I realized that it was always me making the first move - saying I love you each day, hugging him or asking for a hug, holding his hand, initiating sex (although he did used to do this occasionally). So when I stopped (after talking to him about how I'd love for him to step up) he just let it drop. When I tried to get him to talk about our relationship not being affectionate or close, he made the comment "well, you're my wife, not my best friend". When I talked about seeing a therapist he proudly announced that this would never happen - he didn't believe in talking about personal stuff with a stranger. He will not communicate. We now are lucky to have sex once every other month. I kiss him goodbye on the cheek each morning. He occasionally requests a back scratch in bed. Sex is ONLY initiated by me - unless he's had too much ambien and then its really BAD sex.
> I had kind of accepted the fact that this must be the type of relationship he expects and wants. I decided ok, its either accept that we're "just friends" and live with it or get divorced. REALLY not interested in going through a divorce. I've been there, done that. But now I fear he may be cheating - or looking to cheat (profiles online, going out with vague "I'm meeting the guys" at the last minute). Its very frustrating since I would love to fix us and have tried everything I can think of including "being his girlfriend" - sexy, fun, affectionate. He likes it, but then gives nothing in return. I've tried talking to him and making him aware that I'll do anything to fix us but he won't talk - AT ALL. What am I supposed to do?


A dozen red flags. Guy wants a step stool or doormat. He wants to recieve without providing reciprocation.

He wants convenience and will not provide loyalty. You know better and that's why you are posting.

I would be tryinng to slide out of this relationship or find you a lover on the side, that will wake him up.

He's a real arse, a model one actually!


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Doctor. Get a CBC and male hormone check. Make damn sure the doc understands hormones and H balance. Could be low Testosterone

Total T should be 700-900
Free T 20-25
Estrodiol 20-30

If the doc says his numbers are normal but are not in the above ranges, get another doc. He's clueless.

Research found at Life Extension Foundation. Life Extension Foundation - Highest Quality Vitamins And Supplements


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

7 years and no sex? the marriage is long over. How do you turn that around after such a long time. 

You should have jumped all over this problem the first time he rejected you for sex. Now that horse is out of the barn, and two counties over, and not coming back.

So, the best thing is to divorce him. That does not necessarily mean to follow thru to the very end....the very act of you filing for divorce might knock him upside his head hard enough to begin a dialog.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sounds like you're not very compatible in some important ways. Yes, he's either cheating or ready to (sounds to me like he's already there), and he told you the reason: You're not his best friend. Apparently, you've done all you can to BE his best friend, and if it hasn't worked, it may be time to let go. If you don't, you risk being there when he DOES find his best friend. If you do let go, though, it might shock him into having some sense.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> 7 years and no sex? the marriage is long over. How do you turn that around after such a long time.
> 
> You should have jumped all over this problem the first time he rejected you for sex. Now that horse is out of the barn, and two counties over, and not coming back.
> 
> So, the best thing is to divorce him. That does not necessarily mean to follow thru to the very end....the very act of you filing for divorce might knock him upside his head hard enough to begin a dialog.


Theres almost no way in the world he doesn't already have a mistress, or is gay or is not sexual. 7 years...

Divorce.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

She said married 7 years, no kids not no sex. She said they have sex but she has to initiate.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Having been where you are I can tell you with 100% certainty that it will not work without both spouses being on board and wanting to fix then marriage. While I was lucky that my wife joined me in rebuilding our marriage, it could have easily gone the other way and we'd be divorced. 

With your husband not wanting to help you renew thibgs, your options are limited.

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

sorry i thought it said no sex now. IF he still has sex when you initiate....inititate! A LOT!

maybe the "five love languages" book?


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

Thanks for all your input and advice. To answer a couple of questions, he does not turn me down when I initiate (I mean, maybe 2 times over all the time we've been together). But again, I always have to be the one initiating unless he's under the influence. We've never had sex in the morning because he doesn't like it and at night, its always with the TV on (not my choice). He will occasionally hold my hand in bed while watching TV. But besides the sex, there is no intimacy outside the bedroom at all (no hugs, kisses, touching my leg, etc). 
I honestly think it stems from him needing to be a follower, not a leader. He prefers me to pay the bill at the restaurant (even though we have a joint account), prefers me to drive (though I often make him do it), lets me run our finances, wants me to make all our social plans (NEVER says, hey, why don't we do this today), including all the planning for vacations. He's very passive and lazy. I doubt he's having an affair to be honest. I think he has a low sex drive (he's on anti-depressants) and is just used to being on his own- I was his first long term relationship. We're 47. So he doesn't feel that our relationship is lacking. If asked, he would probably prefer more sex actually - but he won't initiate it sober and never does anything outside the bedroom to make me feel like initiating inside (make sense?)

Thanks again for your suggestions. I need to learn to accept it or move on. Its a tough life changing decision.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

SARAHMCD said:


> If asked, he would probably prefer more sex actually - but he won't initiate it sober and never does anything outside the bedroom to make me feel like initiating inside (make sense??


Totally understand. When renewing my marriage the biggest change I made was that I flirt with and love on my wife non stop, not just when I want sex. As a result my wife is always ready for sex and initiates sex herself more than she has in 20 years of marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

If your analysis is true, then the simple act of taking steps to leave ought to motivate him to take a hard look at the choices he has been making. But if you don't act in your own interest, resulting in consequences that matter to him, you won't see any change.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Q tip said:


> Doctor. Get a CBC and male hormone check. Make damn sure the doc understands hormones and H balance. Could be low Testosterone
> 
> Total T should be 700-900
> Free T 20-25
> ...


Please read post before inserting your commercials


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