# New and need help desperately please!! I'm so scared!!



## micmet0 (Aug 8, 2011)

In trying to make this short, my husband and I have a blended family. We are at the end of raising our children as most are adults. I thought we were both content in our marriage even though the sex life was very poor. Maybe once a year. I just grew used to it and thought he was too. Our second to youngest son was born with multiple disabilities and took up most of my emotional, physical an mental energy. He is now living in a hospital setting because he is too big to handle and needs a nurse on staff 24/7. 

During all this time, my husband and myself became insecure with each other. You see, all family and friends disappeared because they couldn't or wouldn't be apart of our family. So everything was left on our two hands. My husband worked 12 hour split shift days for hours.

Now for our problem. Three weeks ago, he said he didn't know if he can handle our relationship because he has always felt like the outsider. We have been working hard to bring it back. He won't read cards I sent him and said I'm pushing to hard. He is back to telling me he wants our family and loves me but when we try to have sex, he can not keep it hard. He can please me but I can't please him. I've tried everything. He says I'm pushing to hard. He says that he feels insecure, nervous and scared. 

Please give me any advice you can offer. I'm so scared of losing my life partner. He is my rock. I never ever thought I would be where I am now. 

Thank you so much.
Michele


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## micmet0 (Aug 8, 2011)

I'm so scared!!!!! I can't stop the tears!!! I cry myself to sleep every night after he is asleep!!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I'm sorry that you are going through this! It sounds like you two have had a tough time of it.

First off, it sounds like he's willing to work with you on this. Have you considered bringing in an objective third-party, like a marriage counselor, to help you two re-connect? It seems like there might be a lot of water under the bridge with the family issues that you've been going through and it might be beneficial to be able to talk about them in a more neutral setting.

Next, it could very well be that he's having performance anxiety because he feels your distress and is trying to participate with you, but that puts a lot of pressure on him. Has he been to a doctor to get checked out physically? How old is he? Any other health issues going on - diabetes, overweight, high blood pressure? Any medications being taken - anti-depressants, blood pressure med?

God Bless.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Counseling would be valuable.

And I would heed your husband and back off. I know you feel like you need to jump on him with both feet to satisfy him, but he doesn't want you to.

Standard advice for increasing the frequency of sex is to change yourself. Make yourself more attractive to your spouse. If you need to lose weight, start there. Wear your hair in a fashion he likes. Wear makeup that he will like. Wear clothes he appreciates.

And in this case, make it clear that you are available, but don't necessarily expect anything at this moment. And when he does initiate, accept the invitation.

Good luck.


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## micmet0 (Aug 8, 2011)

I started counseling last week. He has finally agreed to see her with me when she says that I am ready. My self esteem has taken a dive and I feel very worthless right now. I am over weight by about 50 pounds but have lost 20 of them in the last month from all the stress. Also, just found out granddaughter needs brains surgery. 

He says he just doesn't feel those emotions. My husband is a very emotional man, more like a womans emotions and I hurt him deeply by pushing him away so many times. 

I also have concerns that it might be something medical along with emotional. He has had thyroid problems and is over 100 pounds over weight. He has perfect bp though. Big questions??? AFTER A PERIOD OF NO SEX FOR A YEAR, CAN THIS AFFECT A MANS TESTOSTERONE???

You said make it clear that I am available but don't expect anything. What should I do?? How should I act?? I try to put on a happy face when inside I'm crumbling. My husband my rock is missing and I'm so alone. 

Thank you for your advice.


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## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

First, I'm so sorry for all that you have been through. ED can be caused by many things - physical as well as mental. And once it starts it can be a vicious mental cycle. I've failed and what if it happens again....guys in this situation will dread sex because the fear of failure is huge. I'm not saying this is what is going on in your situation but keep it in mind.

Regarding testosterone. Lack of sex can have an impact on T levels but I would not see it as significant. However, being 100 pounds overweight can create a vicious cycle. As men gain weight they may actually start to convert T into estrogen. Wham, sex drive gone.

You two have been through a lot and are still together. That counts for major bucks at my bank. 

One thing you can do is focus on you and make yourself feel better. Losing weight via stress isn't really a good thing. I'm not saying to ignore your problems but you can focus on those that you know you can impact.

Regarding your H, remember all that you have been through - it took many years and a lot of stress to get to this point. I won't be fixed overnight. I wish it could. 

I truly think that the IC and hopefully an MC is a huge step in the right direction. 

Best of luck.


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## micmet0 (Aug 8, 2011)

ViperStorm said:


> Regarding testosterone. Lack of sex can have an impact on T levels but I would not see it as significant. However, being 100 pounds overweight can create a vicious cycle. As men gain weight they may actually start to convert T into estrogen. Wham, sex drive gone.


Thank you so very much for your advice. I wish I could talk him into going to a family doctor for a physical to rule this out. He says it is all emotional because of my lack of affection. He doesn't understand where I was at that point in my life. I just pray we can figure this out because the emptiness in his eyes is killing me.


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## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

micmet0 said:


> Thank you so very much for your advice. I wish I could talk him into going to a family doctor for a physical to rule this out. He says it is all emotional because of my lack of affection. He doesn't understand where I was at that point in my life. I just pray we can figure this out because the emptiness in his eyes is killing me.


Well, you could recommend the doctor to cover weight - gently of course. 100 pounds just simply isn't good for you in so many ways. You know, the mentioning of lack of affection is interesting. I'm reading HNHN and that tends to be equated to a female desire much more than a male. It isn't one I agree with - not trying to make you feel bad but it can be valid - or it can be a defensive maneuver on his part. Again, I'd suggest small steps and realize that while your problem didn't develop overnight it also cannot be fixed over night. Maybe take the affection part slow. I mean slow. I don't know what your situation is but take this for example. Perhaps you can do a simple kiss when he leaves and when he comes home. If he rejects in some manner don't pout. Just move on. You could also be having some enablement and control issues going on. Don't compound the problem by forcing the issue. But gently plug away or think of new and subtle ways to bring back affection into your marriage. Simple kisses are ok but just a start. Simple touches on the shoulder or arm are just a start. But they can play a huge factor. Of course you are after real hugs and real kisses but be patient. Even though men say sex sex sex I think that affection can have a huge positive impact on the male species. I think it is a huge cornerstone to a marriage as well as a sex life. But that just might be me.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Since the two of you are dangerously overweight, one thing that could help the two of you to emotionally connect as a couple is a plan of diet and exercise. Eating healthy and exercising together will do wonders for you and your husband's physical, emotional and mental health.


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## micmet0 (Aug 8, 2011)

ViperStorm said:


> Maybe take the affection part slow. I mean slow. I don't know what your situation is but take this for example. Perhaps you can do a simple kiss when he leaves and when he comes home. If he rejects in some manner don't pout. Just move on.


 I have been doing the small touches and kisses. He responds but it feels so empty. He says I love you but not with any emotion in it. He told my niece he loves me but he doesn't know why??? I honestly don't know what I have done so wrong?? Being patient is so hard for me but I know I don't have a choice. 

Thank you to all for your responses!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Timeframe or frequency of sexual encounters has very little to do with testosterone.

However, age, obesity, and mental well-being, all contribute to ED issues.

Counseling is a good step. I think a good baseline place to start would be for both of you to agree to take care of yourselves ... as a first step in rebuilding your bond.

Very good friend passed on a phrase that apparently has it's origin in Buddhism:
"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

micmet0 said:


> I started counseling last week. He has finally agreed to see her with me when she says that I am ready.


That's very good. By agreeing to go to counseling with you, he is leaving himself open to change.



micmet0 said:


> He says he just doesn't feel those emotions. My husband is a very emotional man, more like a womans emotions and I hurt him deeply by pushing him away so many times.


That could be true. You spent years rejecting the act of sex without regard for how it affected your husband. I'm sure you weren't intentionally trying to be cruel, but it is what it is. Each rejection, to your husband, was a rejection of him personally. You were saying, "I'm not interested in you right now." Years of that takes a heavy toll.



micmet0 said:


> I also have concerns that it might be something medical along with emotional. He has had thyroid problems and is over 100 pounds over weight. He has perfect bp though. Big questions??? AFTER A PERIOD OF NO SEX FOR A YEAR, CAN THIS AFFECT A MANS TESTOSTERONE???


That level of obesity can have far reaching health problems that affect sex drive and performance. He should go to the doctor for a check up. Leave the sex out of it. You can call his doctor yourself on the sly and ask him to check his T levels.



micmet0 said:


> You said make it clear that I am available but don't expect anything. What should I do?? How should I act?? I try to put on a happy face when inside I'm crumbling. My husband my rock is missing and I'm so alone.
> 
> Thank you for your advice.


You should act sexy and available. Trade in your flannel pajamas or ratty t-shirt you currently sleep in for some lacy or silky things. Come on to your husband every so often and see if he's up for some action. If he's not, accept it and go do something else. Don't whine or beg or pitch a fit.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

micmet0 said:


> I honestly don't know what I have done so wrong?? Being patient is so hard for me but I know I don't have a choice.


For the sake of argument, I'm going to assume there is nothing else going on. I'm assuming his lack of sex drive toward you isn't physical, but emotional. I'm also assuming he isn't having sex outside the marriage. Those are possibilities that you may want to rule out, but I'm assuming everything is as you have presented it.

What you did wrong was you put your husband waaay too far down your list of priorities. I understand kids, especially special needs kids, need what they need when they need it. So maybe it wasn't even possible for you to have sex even as often as twice a week.

But you said you were at once a year. In order for sex to fall to that frequency, you had to be looking for excuses NOT to have sex. As I said before, rejecting your spouse's sexual advances is close to rejecting him or her as a spouse. You are dangerously close to saying, "You and your needs are not very important to me." That hurts.

So now it's payback time. It's possible that your husband really has lost interest in you because you have hurt him on a regular basis for years. It's also possible that your husband still loves you and is just relishing his first opportunity to turn the tables on you.

I suggest that, at some point, you acknowledge to your husband that you gave yourself to everybody except him and apologize for it. That might go a long way toward healing some wounds.

Good luck.

P.S. Your husband is not blameless in this situation. By passively accepting your rejections, he did nothing to stop the slide into a sexless marriage. He should have laid down the law years ago and demanded your attention.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Micmet,
Lets start at the beginning. How long a time period was your marriage "sexless" - which is less then once a month? 

Take that period and divide by 10. Seriously. You can fix something at about that speed. So if it was only one year, and it was "good" before that, he will come around pretty fast. If it was a decade, you can expect about a year of repair work. 

Gentle suggestion. Get him to try a low dose viagra. If he takes it on an empty stomach:
- wait one hour and then 
- get him to lie down on the bed naked and give him a nice relaxing sensual massage - if you rub his inner thighs for a while in a way he likes - you will likely find that he gets rock hard
- you also may find out he wakes up the next morning - ready to go again

After you connect - if you feel like it - get him to lie on his stomach and give him a back scratch. Don't TELL him you love him - SHOW him you love him. For a guy - that will simply work better. 

The low dose viagra is 25 milligrams. It usually has very minimal side effects. In some cases it has none. 

In parallel to that try to get him to walk with you at night and gradually make the walks longer. Be fun. Be playful. Don't be clingy. 

It is fairly common for the mother of a special needs child to deprioritize her husband. 

good luck



micmet0 said:


> I have been doing the small touches and kisses. He responds but it feels so empty. He says I love you but not with any emotion in it. He told my niece he loves me but he doesn't know why??? I honestly don't know what I have done so wrong?? Being patient is so hard for me but I know I don't have a choice.
> 
> Thank you to all for your responses!!


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## micmet0 (Aug 8, 2011)

Thank you once again. You have all given me so much advice to work with!!! I had to take an emotional break I apologize for my delay in thanking you.


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## piqued (Mar 25, 2010)

I also have concerns that it might be something medical along with emotional. He has had thyroid problems and is over 100 pounds over weight. He has perfect bp though. Big questions??? AFTER A PERIOD OF NO SEX FOR A YEAR, CAN THIS AFFECT A MANS TESTOSTERONE???

The short answer is....YES

The less sex, the brain/body adjust and the less testosterone. At least that is what I've been reading lately. You say he is emotional like a female, then he might have had low T levels to begin with. I'd get them checked. Also, male ego is a fragile thing, if he's been rejected (or felt that way) for a long time then it will take a long time to undo that.


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