# I Feel Like My Husband is Holding Me Back



## SchrodingersCat (Mar 14, 2014)

Hi everyone, 

I am a college student who will be graduating with a degree in computational physics this spring. For a long time now, it has been my dream to continue my education in graduate school. This has been one of my biggest goals for years, and I think I will always feel regret if I don't see through with it. I've worked very hard to get good grades in undergrad, and would hate to see all that work go to waste. 

There's only one thing that's really holding me back from going, and that's my husband. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband very much and he loves me dearly. I wouldn't trade our relationship for anything. He's always been very loving and supportive.

We met in college as freshmen, and our relationship took off very quickly after that. Last May, we got married. Now he's in pharmacy school and will be graduating in two years. Of course, since we are both still in school, we do not have any children. 

He says he supports my decision to get a Ph.D., but at the same time I don't feel like he thinks its such a big deal and doesn't care if I don't follow my dreams. He keeps reminding me that the more important thing is our relationship and raising a caring family. But he doesn't want me to "go off and leave him," stating that he'll be too lonely. He's also mentioned that he's afraid I'll meet some physics guy and leave him. (He can't transfer schools because pharmacy apparently doesn't work like that.)

This past winter break, when I was applying to Ph.D. programs, he convinced me to only apply to schools that are about an hour away. This means that I only applied to four schools, which is a very low number as acceptance rates are only 20% in most graduate schools. I didn't even want to go to three of the schools I applied to, but I did it because he doesn't want to live apart from me. The school that I want to go to is 3 hours away. He didn't even want me to apply there, but he finally conceded and let me apply. 

Now it's March and I have only heard back from one graduate school, which rejected me. I haven't heard back from the school of my choice yet. However, one of my friends applying to the program has already been accepted, so I don't have much hope. Slowly I am beginning to realize that I don't even want to go to the other two schools. I just applied because my husband wanted me to. 

Granted, my grades aren't all that great: I have a 3.5 overall and a 3.1 major GPA. (However, I saved all the easy work for last so when I graduate my overall GPA should be 3.55 and my major GPA should be 3.3). I know it will be my fault for not being accepted into the school of my choice. However, I feel resentful toward my husband for convincing me to only apply to only four schools (ones that I didn't even like) which has significantly hurt my chances. If I had applied to a bunch of schools, I probably could have been accepted into somewhere I wanted to go. 

I could significantly improve my chances to get into a good school if I take a break year to improve my physics GRE score. My GPA would also be higher. However, for this to happen, I would need a job to pay off my undergraduate loans. A great opportunity for employment would be doing a post-bachelor's research position at a national lab. I think this would be a terribly exciting job, and I would love to explore another state for a year. However, my husband doesn't want me to apply because he says he'll miss me too much. 

I know I probably sound like an ungrateful brat. But I just don't want to go to the other two schools I applied to. (One of them has an ugly campus, only one narrow research area, and poor safety and student satisfaction ratings. The other school my husband goes to, and he complains about it all the time.) I'd rather do a post-bachelors out in Los Alamos or Oak Ridge, and then apply to schools that I actually like and are ranked higher. I have also always dreamed of exploring the world and going out west for graduate school, but that's out of the question too. 

I feel so trapped and chained down. I wish that I had not married this young. I don't regret marrying my husband, just doing it so young. I wanted to explore the world, do some awesome research, and go somewhere where I'll like the program and atmosphere. But I don't have that option, and I have to go to a lousy school I don't even want to go to. I feel like my husband is preventing me from realizing my dreams, and is holding me down. There are so many things I would like to do all over the country and beyond, and now I will never get to do them. (Pharmacy licenses do not transfer very easily from state to state.) I have a free spirit, and it is being crushed. Worse still, I find myself becoming resentful to my husband. 

He further suffocates me in other ways, such as complaining when I spend spring break on vacation with my friends and not with him. (We go to different schools, so we don't have the same spring break. I don't want to sit around with nothing to do all week while he's at school. I encouraged him to go do something for his spring break, but he just sat around at his parents as he doesn't have any friends at school.) He constantly nags at me over the phone to do little things, and I feel at times like he is more like a parent than a partner. My friends don't like him, and they tell me he is bossy and controlling. 

Every weekend we have to see each other, or else he becomes saddened. I can't do anything with my friends over the weekend or he gets upset. He won't spend time with me and my friends because he can't stand them. I suspect that he is jealous of the little time I spend with them. 

Even though he nags at me to get my school work done all the time ("Have you finished your homework yet?"), he insist on taking up the time I have to do it. I get the feeling he doesn't like me being too absorbed in my studies. I am also afraid that he will get mad at me for not spending enough time with him due to my large workload should I go to graduate school.

Now I think we've really hit a deal breaker as I think I've decided I don't want children anymore. If I'm this tied down being married, then having children will be like the ultimate death sentence. 

I feel like I'm being suffocated to death. I am especially sensitive to this as my parents were insanely strict and micromanaging. I just don't know what to do.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I'm not sure the problem is really your husband, it sounds more like you may not be ready to be in a marriage at all.


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## SchrodingersCat (Mar 14, 2014)

John Lee said:


> I'm not sure the problem is really your husband, it sounds more like you may not be ready to be in a marriage at all.


You are probably right. I guess I didn't realize how much of my independence I would be giving up. I don't blame my husband for wanting me to stay around...after all, marriage is about commitment and wanting to actually be around the other person. I guess it's pretty selfish of me to want to go off somewhere.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

SchrodingersCat said:


> You are probably right. I guess I didn't realize how much of my independence I would be giving up. I don't blame my husband for wanting me to stay around...after all, marriage is about commitment and wanting to actually be around the other person. I guess it's pretty selfish of me to want to go off somewhere.


Not saying you're selfish necessarily. Maybe you're just not ready. You're young. But you owe it to your husband to either leave him so be can find someone ready for marriage or else commit to him. The large majority of husbands would not want to live apart from their wives or to have their wives going on spring break trips with college friends and without them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

SchrodingersCat said:


> *I feel so trapped and chained down. I wish that I had not married this young.* I don't regret marrying my husband, just doing it so young. I wanted to explore the world, do some awesome research, and go somewhere where I'll like the program and atmosphere. * But I don't have that option, and I have to go to a lousy school I don't even want to go to. I feel like my husband is preventing me from realizing my dreams, and is holding me down. * There are so many things I would like to do all over the country and beyond, and now I will never get to do them. (Pharmacy licenses do not transfer very easily from state to state.) *I have a free spirit, and it is being crushed. Worse still, I find myself becoming resentful to my husband. *
> 
> *He further suffocates me in other ways*, such as complaining when I spend spring break on vacation with my friends and not with him. (We go to different schools, so we don't have the same spring break. I don't want to sit around with nothing to do all week while he's at school. I encouraged him to go do something for his spring break, but he just sat around at his parents as he doesn't have any friends at school.) He constantly nags at me over the phone to do little things, and I feel at times like he is more like a parent than a partner. My friends don't like him, and *they tell me he is bossy and controlling. *
> 
> ...


Thank God you have no children yet. Do Not Get Pregnant Now! _It could be as a result of all this you decide to stay together and start a new bonding thing by having children. _Do Not Have Children! 

You need clearly to break free from him. I feel very sorry for him, because you entered marriage totally not knowing what you were doing. Terrible thing to do.

Now repair your error by setting him free, preventing him from years of misery. You are no marriage material, at least not until you have fulfilled your career dreams.

Set him free, although it will hurt him deeply. It has to be done.


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## SchrodingersCat (Mar 14, 2014)

John Lee said:


> Not saying you're selfish necessarily. Maybe you're just not ready. You're young. But you owe it to your husband to either leave him so be can find someone ready for marriage or else commit to him. The large majority of husbands would not want to live apart from their wives or to have their wives going on spring break trips with college friends and without them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No I certainly am selfish. I care more about seeing the world and doing my own thing than I do about supporting my husband. He knows this, and it hurts him very much. I feel so guilty over hurting him, yet I can't stand the thought of not being able to do what I want to do. I don't want to resent him for being a normal husband, but I can't help it. 

I guess it all boils down your original comment. I'm just not ready. I'm normally a very conscientious person, and I don't understand how this blatantly obvious fact escaped me. 

I'm going to commit because I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. But at the same time (I know sound like a spoiled drama queen), a little part of me is going to die inside when I finally give up my independence once and for all.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

It is better you leve for physics than a physics guy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

It doesn't sound like your husband is holding you back, it sounds like your grades are.

Your husband obviously supports your idea to get a doctorate, but I think he makes it seem that it isn't "such a big deal" because he realizes that your grades aren't that great (sure, they *might* get better, but really ANYTHING could come up in the future), and he knows it's so important to you that he wants to help you down... easy.

As far as the schools you've applied to that aren't that great, and haven't accepted you, or have rejected you, well, sour grapes make lousy whine.

Sure, a "break year" might improve your GRE score, and yes, working at a national lab would be nice, if low paying... of course at a place like Los Alamos, they're going to ask all about your undergrad research - after all, with the money thrown at women and minorities in science departments, you better have done some.

Besides all the problems you have simply being together with your husband, and the two of you doing some hard work each, think about initiating a divorce... sounds like your immaturity will be hitting him too.

Yes, growing up will be hard...


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I was in a similar situation in my first marriage. I felt the same way when I entered my graduate school program and started making new friends who weren't married, etc. I felt tied down. That should have been a major eye-opener for me, but we had kids, continued the marriage for 15 years, but ultimately got divorced. 

It may be better for you to make a clean break now, because if you're not head over heels so early on in your marriage, it may only get worse later.


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

You are not ready to be in a marriage. A marriage is a lot of work and needs both partners to be involved when plans are made.

You seem to have the idea that you can do whatever you want whenever you want. Well, in reality ,thats not true (married or not).

Also ,once married do not think much as "I",but as "We".It will help you understand and make better decisions .


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

By the way,to answer your question:NO ,he is not holding you back,IT'S THE OTHERWAY ARROUND.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Omego said:


> I was in a similar situation in my first marriage. I felt the same way when I entered my graduate school program and started making new friends who weren't married, etc. I felt tied down. That should have been a major eye-opener for me, but we had kids, continued the marriage for 15 years, but ultimately got divorced.
> 
> It may be better for you to make a clean break now, because if you're not head over heels so early on in your marriage, it may only get worse later.


This.

Really, you are not going to do your H any favors by making a commitment out of guilt and fear of hurting him. That just means the resentment and feelings of missing out will erupt somewhere down the line - probably when you have both invested many years in the relationship. A little selfishness on your part now will spare you both much greater heartbreak later - 'cause frankly, the resentment is already plain in your original post. And then you speak of part of you dying inside....

You need to sit down and and honestly decide what you really want out of this life - then have an equally honest conversation with your H. If your life goals are not compatible ... well it is what it is.

Whatever you do here, do not simply do the "nice" thing out of fear of hurting him.

Good luck.


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## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

Your situation sounds a bit like mine, years ago, and I can only comment based on my own experiences.

I got married when I was still in undergrad. I can tell you right now - I had the same general feeling of being trapped. He went to graduate school and I moved with him and had to commute almost two hours one way to finish my degree - it was very stressful. Then he got a job here, even though I didn't want to live in this area, and we have been planted here ever since. When I graduated, I didn't know what I wanted, and I felt "lost" for a number of years, jumping around from job to job until I finally found a job I love. Even still - I hate living in this area. But I choose to do it for him because it's important to him.

The decisions you make at this point in your life will have long-lasting effects on how the rest of your life plays out. I committed to my marriage (with a lot of bumps in the road during the process) and it can be done... but there will be a lot of sacrifices that you will have to make. I also didn't realize what marriage REALLY meant at your age, and because I never really got to explore my own dreams, on my own, I think it took me a lot longer to settle into marriage. Heck, sometimes I am still not there, and I am 28.

I don't think one choice is better than the other... life is life, you'll have your ups and downs regardless of if you stay or leave. Just think long and hard about where you really want your life to go, and whether marriage fits into that picture right now.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

As ever, I am more optimistic than most on here. You only really seem to have one issue with your husband and that is that he is clingy. All that needs to change for you to be happily married may be for you not to feel that he is needy.

Two ways of doing this,
1) Stop feeling it.
2) Him not being it.

Normally, I would say concentrate on yourself, as you are the one asking for advice. However, it does seem that he needs to be less needy. More knowledgable people than me can advise on this. You might start to lsoe respect for him soon otherwise.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your not selfish. You are acting normal for your age. Your age is about exploration of self. Finding out who you are. Finding out what is important to you in a mate. You circumvented all of that personal growth and jumped right into marriage before you should have. Your husband's defnition of marriage is clearly more "correct". Marriage is a team. And you have to make decisions for the betterment of the team. And I don't konw what that is, but it doesnt typically involve thoughts like "For a long time now, it has been my dream to continue my education in graduate school. This has been one of my biggest goals for years, and I think I will always feel regret if I don't see through with it. I've worked very hard to get good grades in undergrad, and would hate to see all that work go to waste."

If you want to focus on being married, then your individal dream should be a part of your marriage but not the ruination of your marriage.

What are y'all doing for money, anyway?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SchrodingersCat said:


> I feel so trapped and chained down. I wish that I had not married this young. I don't regret marrying my husband, just doing it so young. I wanted to explore the world, do some awesome research, and go somewhere where I'll like the program and atmosphere. But I don't have that option, and I have to go to a lousy school I don't even want to go to. I feel like my husband is preventing me from realizing my dreams, and is holding me down. There are so many things I would like to do all over the country and beyond, and now I will never get to do them.
> 
> He further suffocates me in other ways, such as complaining when I spend spring break on vacation with my friends and not with him. (We go to different schools, so we don't have the same spring break. I don't want to sit around with nothing to do all week while he's at school. I encouraged him to go do something for his spring break, but he just sat around at his parents as he doesn't have any friends at school.) He constantly nags at me over the phone to do little things, and I feel at times like he is more like a parent than a partner. My friends don't like him, and they tell me he is bossy and controlling.


It sounds like marriage ain't for you. Sounds like you got married really young before you realized what all you wanted to do. It happens.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Simply stated, you got married before (LONG before) you should have.

As an "old guy", I can tell you that being in a happy marriage is a hell of a lot more important than going to the school of choice.

I work with 30+ degreed co-workers, and there are MAYBE two of them that got hired because of the name of the school.

It is SO far more important to work on the PERSON than to get into the "desired" school...

The person you are matters LONG after graduation.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

SchrodingersCat said:


> No I certainly am selfish. I care more about seeing the world and doing my own thing than I do about supporting my husband. He knows this, and it hurts him very much. I feel so guilty over hurting him, yet I can't stand the thought of not being able to do what I want to do. I don't want to resent him for being a normal husband, but I can't help it.
> 
> I guess it all boils down your original comment. I'm just not ready. I'm normally a very conscientious person, and I don't understand how this blatantly obvious fact escaped me.
> 
> I'm going to commit because I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. But at the same time (I know sound like a spoiled drama queen), a little part of me is going to die inside when I finally give up my independence once and for all.


It's a lot better to recognize NOW than it is LATER...

All grad schools are good schools, by the way...


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

I can understand why your husband has a lukewarm (realistic?) attitude towards your PhD dream. It's because you have maybe a 60% chance of achieving it within six years. PhD completion rates are pretty low. Two years of Masters study followed by four of PhD. That's a long haul!

Have you studied the completion rates for the programs that are near you?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

SchrodingersCat said:


> I'm going to commit because I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. But at the same time (I know sound like a spoiled drama queen), a little part of me is going to die inside when I finally give up my independence once and for all.


No. No. NO. Do not do this. THIS is the selfish thing to do -- to stay with someone you don't want to be with because you are "afraid of hurting him" (i.e. you don't want to feel guilty). Staying with him and resenting him is going to hurt him in a much deeper, harder to get over way than leaving him. 

Perhaps there's more going on here -- perhaps you like having the excuse of your husband for not meeting your goals, when in fact there are other reasons, for example that you didn't do well in school. Maybe you're not all that disciplined -- it sounds like partying is important to you.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

This: 



> I'm normally a very conscientious person, and I don't understand how this blatantly obvious fact escaped me.


is probably because of this:



> I am especially sensitive to this as my parents were insanely strict and micromanaging.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

By the way I disagree with people who say she should just go to whatever school. A PhD is serious business, and if she wants a shot at an academic position she needs a degree from a good program, not just any-old-where. That said, she also thinks her grades might not be good enough for the best programs, so it's kind of hypothetical. Always easy to get resentful about those "what ifs" and fall back on the "smothering spouse" as the excuse.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I think in the long run your both going to make each other miserable because you both pulling the rope so tight, you on one end and he on the other and you'll never be able to untie the knot.

By staying, your not going to be happy and in the back of your mind you'll have all the "coulda, woulda, soulda" things and the need to blame someone for it and it will be him.

You guys made a mess and it's going to get bigger. You and him should have thought this out before getting married.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I know I've sounded critical in some posts, but I really think you owe it to yourself AND to him to leave. You're not ready for this, and that's ok. You're not going to ruin his life, he's young too. Even if he's devastated for a little while he'll move on. Do you think so little of him that you think he wouldn't find someone else? 

You both deserve a chance to make a good life for yourselves, and if you can't do it together, then do it separately, it's for the best.


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## SchrodingersCat (Mar 14, 2014)

HuggyBear said:


> It doesn't sound like your husband is holding you back, it sounds like your grades are.
> 
> Your husband obviously supports your idea to get a doctorate, but I think he makes it seem that it isn't "such a big deal" because he realizes that your grades aren't that great (sure, they *might* get better, but really ANYTHING could come up in the future), and he knows it's so important to you that he wants to help you down... easy.


Yes that's certainly part of the problem. I'm not going to deny it. But I've known a few people (the friend I mentioned who got into my choice university) who had much lower grades than me, took a break year, and got in. He never stopped believing he could do it, worked hard, and now he's doing what he wants to do. I don't see why that's not possible for me, especially since I have good general GRE scores and research. 

As for the graduate schools, it really doesn't have anything to do with ranking. I just don't like the programs because the research doesn't fit. I'm pretty sure they want me at one of the schools, and the other is a 50/50. Heck I might be stressed out over nothing since I had a pretty good reception at my choice school.
As I said, I've only heard back from one school yet. 

I guess I've just figured out that maybe all of this stems from not feeling like I'm being supported in anything I do. It seems no one has ever felt like I was capable of anything. I Dad always told me I was stupid and would never amount to anything. My mother never did because he wouldn't let her. He told me that going to college wasn't a big deal, since I probably wouldn't last anyway. I'm not sure where he got these ideas, as I was always a good student in high school. 

Even though he says differently, I have the feeling (rightly or wrongly) that my husband doesn't want me to go because I feels like I'm not cut out for it. Maybe it's just my dad talking behind him. Hell maybe he was right.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think you're projecting the issues with your parents onto your husband and that's not very fair to him. He's just a newly married guy that doesn't want his wife living hours away. It sounds normal to me.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Sounds like you're using your husband to fix your "Daddy" issues, which is not fair to him.

Respect your husband for his words....you are your own worst enemy in this.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

It's really hard for him or you or anyone here to know for sure what your academic prospects are. I know that in my field, though, there are websites that can actually give you pretty detailed school-by-school data on admissions based on scores/grades. Can you do more research and see what your chances actually are at various schools? Of course that's not the larger issue here. It's interesting that you came to complain about how he's holding you back, yet as soon as people tried to push you into the position of making a decision one way or the other, you said "I'm going to commit and be resentful." To me that says you don't really want to face the possibility of NOT getting in to the schools you want. Instead you can just use your husband as an excuse. Maybe you're also afraid of facing larger freedom, because of your strict parents. Maybe that's why you jumped into marriage.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

SchrodingersCat said:


> No I certainly am selfish. I care more about seeing the world and doing my own thing than I do about supporting my husband. He knows this, and it hurts him very much. I feel so guilty over hurting him, yet I can't stand the thought of not being able to do what I want to do. I don't want to resent him for being a normal husband, but I can't help it.
> 
> I guess it all boils down your original comment. I'm just not ready. I'm normally a very conscientious person, and I don't understand how this blatantly obvious fact escaped me.
> 
> I'm going to commit because I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have. But at the same time (I know sound like a spoiled drama queen), a little part of me is going to die inside when I finally give up my independence once and for all.


SchrodingersCat, I detect you are half alive and half dead as a person in reality. You need to collapse the state vector into actuality. You have some hard choices to make about your life priorities.

You have a real balancing problem. You are young and married but your life dream is being threatened. As others have said you married too early. Your husband’s concerns are valid. Married couples should spend as much time together as they can. However he is meeting his goals while constraining yours. How important is physics to you? Has it been a life goal? What do you want to do with physics? You need to be honest with yourself how much you want to pursue this. Are you willing to end your marriage for it or not? You then need to be upfront with him how important this is to you. Are you willing to attempt a long distance relationship for your goal? You need to let him know that resentment is building already over this and find out his response. This resentment is a real threat to your marriage and will only grow unless you feel you make the best choice for yourself.

There are some additional risks you should know about. Choosing the graduate school in physics, amounts to constraining where you will live, if you want to continue on an academic track. If you want to use your computational skills in industry then you can get a job in lots of places. But if you want to work at a national lab or something like NIST or NCAR then you are constrained to those locations anyway. This is why it is important to know what you want to do with physics because it will determine where you live to some extent.

Another risk is that physics grad school is much, much harder than undergraduate work. Your time management issues will be stressed even without a marriage. It is not uncommon to work 80-100 hour weeks just on studies let alone teaching assistance ships or research assistance ships. I have known married people to handle marriage and first year physics work but it is rare and they were much older pursing a second advanced degree with full spousal support and encouragement.

The final risk I want to mention is that it will change you. Graduate School is different. It will broaden your knowledge in many different ways. It will challenge a marriage where one spouse changes but the other remains the same. Can he adapt to your potential change and to you having a career? Some men don’t want their wives to have a career but never talk about it openly because they just assume it. 

I understand where you are coming from. I pursued graduate work in physics and tried a LDR with my fiancé that failed. She was in math and we were accepted at different schools. She had an EA that turned PA and broke off the engagement during the hardest part of my first year. That in itself affected my work terribly and contributed to my failing the qualifying exams the first time around. So if you decide to go and have issues then your marriage and your career will be affected. You may not have either. There is a lot at risk. 

That being said that was the best time of my life. I was around the smartest people I have ever been around in my life. This and the international flavor of the school exposed me to many cultures and ideas other than the ones I knew. It was a super creative environment filled with interesting ideas that filled my soul. Quite simply it was the most fulfilling part of my life. In addition I found the lady who would be my wife. Sadly my computational skills were not up to par for practicing physicist. Being able to do the work is not enough. You need to be able to compute and compete in a timely manner. I tried for a Ph.D. but left with a MS. However those skills I learned have made me stand out in my current career as a cloud engineer. Even though I am successful and have a good career, I still wonder if without the distraction of my failed relationship, could I have finished up and accomplished my dream as a physicist. *It is the one regret that I have.*


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## SchrodingersCat (Mar 14, 2014)

meson,

Thank you for your post. As of now, I have been considering taking off two years while my husband finishes school. He says he is willing to try to transfer his license wherever I get accepted at when he finishes his degree (except to Colorado, California, and Florida, since it is really hard to transfer it to those states.) 

This is pretty generous of him, and really I shouldn't be so hard on him. Much of my anger isn't really at him; he's just the fall guy in a lot of ways. Most of my frustration is internal. I'm mad that I didn't do better in college even though I tried, and I'm scared because I'm not sure if I'm going to cut it in grad school. I'm scared he'll leave me for being too busy, and he's (rightly) scared that I won't have any time with him. In addition, I'm not sure what else I want to do, since I have been thinking of plan A and never came up with a plan B. 

So basically, I'm at a cross-roads and I have to make some big decisions very soon, and it's scary so I'm lashing out. 

I really want to make both my marriage and my career work out.
This is a problem I know a lot of women have. I don't think it's a coincidence that none of my female physics professors are married. I know I definitely married too soon, but I still love him with all my heart and want it to work out.

The down-side of waiting a few years is that I might not go back. I might have too much memory loss. I might chicken out and decide not to rock the boat. And maybe I won't do that great even after I've studied a ton for the physics GRE. 

But I figure if all of these things happen, it least it will be my fault and not his. That way, I won't resent him and at least one of the two things works out. If I continue to play my cards as I am now, I might lose both of them. 

That is one con of taking off two years. The other is that, as you can tell, I have a lot of emotional issues from the past and could use some time to work them out. I could use the stability of having a regular job. My husband would appreciate me not being stressed out all the time and with him, since he's under a lot of pressure too being in pharmacy school. Plus, it would be nice to have money to eat something beside Ramen noodles. 

I guess in two years we will see just how badly I really wanted a degree in physics...


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

My wife did both. She finished her Ph.D and married me. Today she is a publishing scientist albeit she switched fields from Nuclear physics to upper atmospheric in order to find work near her family. 

Your solution of waiting is a good one. In my class there were several students that did other things before entering.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

SchrodingersCat said:


> *I guess I've just figured out that maybe all of this stems from not feeling like I'm being supported in anything I do*. It seems no one has ever felt like I was capable of anything. I Dad always told me I was stupid and would never amount to anything. My mother never did because he wouldn't let her. He told me that going to college wasn't a big deal, since I probably wouldn't last anyway. I'm not sure where he got these ideas, as I was always a good student in high school.


I think your husband has his eyes on you while you have yours turned up to the skies.

You did get married too young. 

I recommend you divorce. Stay in touch, and if after five years or so, after you have gotten your PhD and sowed your wilds, then you can call him up and get together and see if there is a spark there. 

Of course there is a risk to that. He may very well move on to someone else. You will have grown and changed also.

But you cannot stay like you are. You are miserable and its not fair to make him miserable. Do the adult thing and let him go.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Convection said:


> Whatever you do here, do not simply do the "nice" thing out of fear of hurting him.
> 
> Good luck.


Please, Please, Please let this sink in.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

Do you have a dream? I mean, what is your life going to look like when you have met your educational goal? Where do you want to work once the education is complete? Do you dream of having a family of your own? etc.

Now, what is your husband’s dream? Does it match yours? If they don't match, you do have a big problem and do you have a plan to fix this problem?

Now, if they do match then it is very simple - you make a plan with your husband that includes all steps to get to the dream. You start to execute this plan - if something is not working, you adjust the plan together - and most importantly - don't give up until you get the dream. Then, you look forward and set a new dream - make sure it's together and keep moving towards that new dream.

If you are not in alignment with your husband - I don't see how you could ever be happy with your marriage.

That's my two cents. When my wife and I have lost site of a dream which is common to both of us, that's when we have had our problems in our 25 year marriage.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Your H is not being unreasonable.

I am currently in law school and the young married/dating women/men before school started are now young divorced/partying women/men today. Why? Because they left their spouse to go a school hours and hours and hours away.

You never marry someone before all of this. I have always stood by that rule simply because it is not fair. It is not fair that one spouse is far away studying and playing while the other is working. 

You should not take two years off and then see. You are not the SAHW material. This is your chance to make something out of yourself. Why let those undergrad loans go to waste? It is not fair for you to stop your dreams in life and is not fair for your H to be away from you this early in a marriage. 

You need to figure this out TODAY. WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT DO YOU WANT IN LIFE? WHERE DO YOU WANT TO BE IN 10 YEARS? Do not sacrifice your dreams for someone else. Eventually, it will be to late to try to go back on those dreams.

Good luck and think with your head / rather than your heart in this situation


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

At the risk of sounding like Dr. Obvious, is it feasible to use the 2 years your husband has to finish his Pharmacy degree to get an MS degree locally then apply for a phd? 

You could do an MS in comp phys or a related area, and then when hubby finishes you both go to the same city where your favorite school is once you're admitted and he works there.

Getting a PhD involves a lot of politics and compromises. Can you get funding? Is it in a big city where hubby can work? What areas of research do they have? Etc.

Taking a year separate from each other is not a bad idea - my wife was away from me for 9 months once. Then we had to compromise when we went for our PhD's - we both could have gone to better schools but chose the nearby one (1 hr away) with decent programs in both our fields to avoid moving. 

Hardship is not being away from each other for a year. Try having a baby in the middle of the semester and having to ask the professor for a midterm makeup test 

You have to do your best to bring up grades and make your app look good. Good scores in GRE physics and GRE in general are a must. If you can score a year or two at a national lab type place or other work that looks good. 

You're both young and you can survive a year away from each other with a few visits... At the phd level pedigree matters. Where you go to school is important if you want an academic career. As hubby has more portable career might as well. Also once you finish he will have to follow you thru fellowships, post docs, and the like. Might as well get used to it


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I think your husband has his eyes on you while you have yours turned up to the skies.
> 
> You did get married too young.
> 
> ...


If a woman decided her career was too important to deny while I wanted to be with her, I would always feel that her career would be more important than me, so she wouldn't be coming back at all.

I think even if she divorces him, she will also make him miserable. He is the one I feel sympathy for because he's shafted no matter what she does. She doesn't want to do this because it makes her 'the bad guy'.

And frankly the financials of a PhD vs. what it is likely to bring you in a salary are pretty horrifying. Hubby might have a lot of hesitations just from that.

Sounds like he is into her far more than she is into him, but for her to say so has really bad optics.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I agree with the others that you should divorce. I just see this ending badly whether it's now or fifteen to twenty years down the road. If they stay together and should TAM or a place like it exist, I think they'll have a betrayed husband post as a result. _"I Think My Wife is Having a Mid-Life Crisis, What Should I Do?"_

OP,

I say the following with affection although it won't seem like it.

You did marry too young. It's not fair for your husband to stay married to him. You seem to be jumping out of your skin. You're emotionally immature. This is demonstrated by you blaming your husband and your marriage, calling him clingy (when in reality, his expectations are normal), lashing out and projecting your issues with your parents onto your husband. 

You are not yet suited for what should be a life-long commitment to marriage. While you want to "do the right thing" and stay committed to him _it's not_ what you *really* want. Staying with him knowing that you want something else will lead to resentment. Resentment will beget entitlement as you feel like you gave up so much to be with him and feel like you saccrificed your dreams.

While unthinkable now, throw kids and a decade or two into the mix, you're probably going to cheat. I know it seems unfathomable now but just visit some threads at CWI on this board. It's a common tale - married young, had kids, wasn't done sowing wild oats, tension and resentment builds and BAM an affair right before the fifteenth or twentieth anniversary.

Since you're both still young, since you both I'm assuming don't have a house and definitely don't have kids, now is the best time to leave. It will hurt him and you but the almost inevitable narrative above will hurt him more. He'll also get over it and you'll get over it too and then you can do what a twenty something should be doing. Once you sow your oats, discover yourself and grow then you can revisit if marriage is something you're ready for. However, you're not ready now.

If you really love him, set him free because right now you don't love him enough and you know that.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Okay, you AND your husband are in your early 20s I take it?

So you BOTH got married too young. And to people that you BOTH didn't take the time to see if your life visions meshed with the person you were married to.. 

Despite the advice here, YOU and you alone are not the bad guy in this. Read that over and over if you need to.. 

And honestly, the fact that your H, in his early 20s is grasping at a "traditional" marriage seems a bit worrisome to me.. anyone else? Why is HE in such a rush to commit and "raise a family" as she's said.. 

I think what we have here, is a failure to communicate.. 

You are BOTH young. You BOTH have ideas of what the marriage should entail. And they are not meshing.. 

That does not make you a bad person. It does not make him a bad person. It makes you young persons who fell in love and got married before you dated long enough to really ask the questions about "where are WE going?" and "what are WE going to do in life?"

You are not selfish. Or, at least, in my book, no less selfish than him.. I'm frankly concerned about a young 20s male having a mid 30s outlook on marriage already and HE'S not done with school himself.. What's going on there? HE shouldn't even be thinking about kids or anything other than, "where should WE look at schools"

I've known people that got married in college. But typically, both people had similar visions, ideas and plans to work together to get to that same place.. It didn't involve one saying, "family and home" and the other saying "academia" it was ALWAYS both saying "academia" to be honest.. 

You BOTH got married too young. He without finding out what YOUR goals were for the marriage. And you without finding out what HIS goals were for the marriage. 

Your grades aren't the greatest. Not for grad school. But if you have Rockin' GREs, they are good enough.. I had similar grades, and was told that my GREs would get me a fellowship. NOW, I wish I had done it.. That gap year, in a lab, fabulous idea. If that is your dream, DO IT. 

Here's my take. 

You need a serious sit down with your husband (and honestly, I want to call him your boyfriend, b/c that's what I feel you two really are and have the maturity for at this point, and that's NOT a bad thing) and say, here is what I am thinking for the next TEN YEARS of life for US. And tell him before hand that you want him to come up with where he sees you guys going for TEN YEARS before you do. So you both come to the table prepared. 

And then, you look at what you are both thinking. If you are saying, hey, I want 2 years for lab, 6 years for post grad, get dream job, maybe a baby.. and he comes back with, 2 years I finish mine, we buy a house, have 3 kids and a dog.. 

Well, then you know that you two are writing two entirely different books. And that makes NEITHER one of you bad. Just different. And it might be time to reevaluate that marriage.. 

Just my two cents..


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Yes to the above but own it as YOUR mistake and not as a reflection or failure on his part. You aren't a bad person though a shallow understanding will paint you that way and it looks bad.

Give him as soft a landing as you can. Yes, it isn't a picnic for you either, but YOU are the one who wants out. He isn't bad either.

The question comes: what happens if you leave him, setting out on your career...and you STILL don't get accepted? Consider the risk reward ratios here. If he is as good a guy as you paint him, he is unlikely to be lonely long. Neither will you. Will you find his like again?

Something for you to ponder


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

I cannot believe how many people are encouraging to OP to get a divorce!

Sure, the OP might have gotten married young but at the end of the day she and her husband are both adults and need to figure some things out. It sounds to me that they didn't really discuss their expectations about graduate school.

The husband has already entered into a Ph.D. program and the OP has not. What should have happened is they both should have made a decision on how to go to grad school within reasonable distance of each other. Other people I know who married relatively young and a spouse was in grad school discussed these things before the marriage and made an agreement. I partially gave up grad school for my husband but I'm glad I did because I've made a complete career change...however, I mostly did it for the marriage because moving us completely elsewhere would have just uprooted him and he'd have been unhappy which would have made me unhappy.

OP, I think you and your husband need to sit down and have a good talk about what is a reasonable timetable for completing graduate school. If he's already in a program near where you live, why not wait until he is done and then look for a grad school elsewhere? This way both of you can move to that area instead of him being so far apart. By then, he'd be able to find a full time job.

I am concerned at how your mindset doesn't really regard your marriage as the priority. It seems like getting married was just something you two wanted to do without thinking about it, but you DID make the decision as an adult-- regardless of maturity level-- and now you've got to figure out a way to work through it together, coming to an agreement and sticking with a plan. I think it's your expectations that are holding you back, not your husband.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

browneyes74 said:


> ...So you BOTH got married too young. And to people that you BOTH didn't take the time to see if your life visions meshed with the person you were married to..
> 
> Despite the advice here, YOU and you alone are not the bad guy in this. Read that over and over if you need to..
> 
> And honestly, the fact that your H, in his early 20s is grasping at a "traditional" marriage seems a bit worrisome to me.. anyone else? Why is HE in such a rush to commit and "raise a family" as she's said..


Saying that they "BOTH" got married too young is way too PC in my opinion. We can't speak on the husband, we can speak for her as she's the one whose posted here and the husband sounds perfectly willing and desiring of marriage. It seems like he knew what he wanted and was honest with her but she didn't know and/or did but wasn't honest with him.

He asked her, "Will you marry me" and she said "yes". That is not HIS fault, that's hers. I take it she's not from some third-world village where she was tithed away to him. She wasn't forced to marry him, SHE made a choice and could have said no. 

I also don't see why a young guy who wants to be married while in his 20s and in school would be worrisome. Some people know what they want when they want it. Also nowhere in her posts did it say that he wanted kids right now or while they are studying. 

Not everyone feels the need to sow their wild oats. I know I didn't. I wanted to settle down right away. I craved peace and stability and family and still do and am happy to have a "boring" domestic life filled with the thrills of settling down and raising a family. Some people - OP for example, perhaps even some of my old college friends would feel tied down or missing out if they were in my shoes. I for the most part feel very blessed. 

I don't think a heart-to-heart about goals will bring up anything new. I have a feeling that OP knew for some time that they wanted different things but she continued to go along with his way because she was brought up with micro-managing parents and did as she was told whether she liked it or not. 

Again, that's NOT his fault. When someone says they want to do something but on the inside is screaming "no way in hell do I want this." the person being told "yes" has no way of knowing they mean "no" unless the person meaning "no" actually says NO.


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

I don't think the husband is completely innocent, though. It does sound like he is rather needy when he knows what the academic demands are since he too, has that on his plate.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

reesespieces said:


> I cannot believe how many people are encouraging to OP to get a divorce!
> 
> Sure, the OP might have gotten married young but at the end of the day she and her husband are both adults and need to figure some things out. It sounds to me that they didn't really discuss their expectations about graduate school.
> 
> .


I think a lot of us are just speaking from our experience and from our own interpretation of the OPs post. 

From the post, I glean that the problem is not really the PhD program, but instead, merely a symptom of the real problem: she loves and cares for her husband, but not in the way that is necessary for a long-lasting marriage.

I cannot remember the exact terms the OP used but the impression I have from the post is that she wants to be free. Free of constraints. I understand that, but is that how you are supposed to feel when you are a newlywed (more or less)? It seems as though the H senses this, which explains his desire to shorten the physical distance between them by demanding that she go to a school nearby.

What happens if she meets someone in the future, at her PhD program or elsewhere, with whom she has that "spark"? What then? Someone for whom she'd move to Mars to be with? I'm talking about that kind of feeling....


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## SchrodingersCat (Mar 14, 2014)

My husband and I did indeed talk about what we wanted to do with out lives before we got married. 

I always told him I was going off to graduate school somewhere, and he always told me he was going off to pharmacy school somewhere. We were both fine with that. 

After our second year together at the university that we met, he left to go to pharmacy school. And I was fine with that. I didn't really like it, but that was not my decision. I reminded him that he could easily stay as he is very smart and got so many merit-based scholarships that they were paying him. I gently advised that it might be a good idea to get a bachelors first (he just completed the necessary prerequisites) to fall back on if he didn't like pharmacy. He thought the benefits outweighed the costs (he did save 20K in the long run from scholarship transfers), so I was fine to let him go. Granted, he only lives an hour away, but we still only get to see each other on the weekend. 

I guess I just don't really like the fact that as the time approached, he didn't seem so okay with me going anywhere anymore. Granted, we are married now but we were always very serious. 

I guess we should probably just sit down and re-evaluate what both of us are okay with...


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

I like the idea posted before of doing a masters locally while he finishes his degree, and then obtaining your PHD at your school of choice when both of you can move. 

If you do a masters now, you won't forget your course material, and you will have a way better idea of wether you can hack it for another 3 years.

I think its poor advice that you should divorce just based on your situation. However, you do need to understand that once you are married, your spouse is your highest priority, period. Marriage is a commitment which requires maturity, but it is possible for you to change your outlook right now.

Don't consider divorce unless you KNOW that you do not have the maturity level to make your husband your priority, or that you will not able to negotiate a solution which works for both of you.

Work out a plan that makes this a win win for both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

As long as hubby understands the need to move around AFTER the PhD is issued if academia career is desired. 

Neither me not my wife decided on academia - our jobs do not require a PhD - and as a result we did it the hard way - fellowship from work for me, part time work and full pay for her, and full time grad school. Took a bit longer, 5 years for me and 6 for her. Upon completion I went back full time to my original job, my wife changed jobs but still in the corporate world. But we were non traditional students and lucked out as we live in a city with a good research university that had both our fields. Not fun applying in your mid 30's... With kids...

The only hard part was studying for prelims/quals because our undergrad and masters was a long time ago. All the same, a decade in the corporate world made us much better students. 

At the PhD level you often pick a faculty member as much as you pick the school. So it's not just "oh Paducah State or University of Topeka", so you need to be flexible as far as location goes if there's someone who needs a warm body RA and is doing your type of stuff.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

reesespieces said:


> I cannot believe how many people are encouraging to OP to get a divorce!


I know it seems harsh. Honestly I'm a big fan of marriage whether it be a civil union among gays, a religious marriage under God or even a common law marriage where two people decide to commit their lives together despite no official ceremony taking place. It's a beautiful thing. However, I don't think all marriages are meant to be.

It was taking stock at the OP's posts that lead me to my conclusions - a summary of her words highlighting the good and the bad in her marriage/about her husband is as follows:


*GOOD THINGS SHE STATES ABOUT HER MARRIAGE/HUSBAND:​*


> _[*]Don't get me wrong, I love my husband very much and he loves me dearly. I wouldn't trade our relationship for anything.
> 
> [*]He's always been very loving and supportive.
> 
> ...



Pretty nice right? He loves her, she loves him. He supports her education pursuits and encourages her to do her homework. He even supported her in her decision even though he was reluctant to apply to her favourite school three hours away. Finally, as a saccrifice, he's willing to move ANYWHERE she wants to go (save a few states where he can't transfer his licence so she can pursue her education.

But then again, there's this:

*BAD THINGS OP STATES ABOUT HER HUSBAND AND MARRIAGE:​*


> *There's only one thing that's really holding me back from going, and that's my husband. *
> 
> 
> I don't feel like he thinks its such a big deal and doesn't care if I don't follow my dreams. He keeps reminding me that the more important thing is our relationship and raising a caring family.
> ...


Regret, trapped, chained down, crushed spirit, tied down, resentful of husband, suffocated to death and dying inside... Those are the words that the OP used to describe her husband *whom she only can see or does see on the weekend.* Also note that the list of good things is much shorter in comparison. 

She also blames her husband for her choice to apply to four schools - yes, he encouraged her to do this but she could have applied to more. Also, she admits her grades are not as good as they could be. That's her fault, not his.

She admits that traveling the world and doing her own thing is more important to her than her husband. She is selfish and I don't mean that negatively - I mean in the sense that she wants it all to be her way but isn't happy to compromise her desires to meet the needs of her husband and make the marriage work. She wants to do her own thing while being able to neglect her husband because she loves him but can't saccrifice anything and be at peace with that in order to have both an education and a marriage. That's cake-eating and it's not fair for her husband. 

I don't think the OP is a bad person, she sounds pretty smart and in some posts insightful (the parent issues being very illuminating). I do believe her love for her husband is real. However, I don't think that this marriage is a good idea. That's why I said if she really loves him she should let him go. It will be painful but they'll both get over it and they can both have the lives that they want - her being a free spirit with a rock-solid education and world travel and no kids and him with a wife and a family that he supports through his pharmaceutical career.

That is why I say, get a divorce. Go to school, get the jobs you want, travel the world. Live a life you won't regret OP because this marriage isn't right for you right now. You need to travel, get your dream education and career and THEN settle down. I just don't see it working. I'm sorry.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

reesespieces said:


> I don't think the husband is completely innocent, though. It does sound like he is rather needy when he knows what the academic demands are since he too, has that on his plate.


From what was stated about the husband by the OP, I'd have to disagree.

They are married to each other, both in separate schools, both living separately from each other and both only have time for each other on the weekend.

It sounds rational to me that the husband would be upset that the OP prioritizes her time with friends over time with her husband on the weekend when that's the only time they have together.

It also sounds acceptable to me that the husband would like her to spend Spring Break with him as they can only see each other on weekends. Wanting to make seeing one another a priority given that they have no time together throughout the year doesn't seem needy. 

It's not gospel, but marriage builders suggest that married couples spend a minimum of 15 hours a WEEK together - giving undivided attention in order to have a successful marriage. While I don't believe there's a set time, I do believe marriage requires time spent together - which they have virtually none of.

I also don't think that the friends came to the conclusion that the husband is dislikable, needy, or controlling on their own. That would require badmouthing from the OP. She likely vents to her friends behind hubbies back and now they hate him.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> From what was stated about the husband by the OP, I'd have to disagree.
> 
> They are married to each other, both in separate schools, both living separately from each other and both only have time for each other on the weekend.
> 
> ...


I agree with the Spring Break thing. For a WHOLE WEEK, they could have spent some quality couple time together...but it would get in the way of her chance to travel and have fun (because...you know...hubby isn't fun? :scratchhead: )

I think it very likely that her friends STARTED this ball rolling. They like her. They don't know him. So HE takes HER away from THEM. SO why wouldn't they start bad mouthing him? They have their needs too! Unfortunately, THEIR single college co-ed needs are NOT marriage friendly...and there is probably enough 'women's studies' types around to see ANY demands by a male spouse as all kinds of 'needy' or 'controlling'.

That is what marriage is: both NEED each other and both CONTROL each other.

She doesn't need to divorce, but she needs to drastically reevaluate her life and drop some toxic friends. If someone is NOT the friend of your spouse, they shouldn't be YOUR friend.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am not going to accuse you of being selfish or anything like that because it is very clear that you should not have got married. You have a lot of maturity and life experiences to go through before you really know (a) what you want, and (b) what you are capable of.

However, I do have a different line of questions:

1. Are you in love with your husband ?

2. If yes, can you say why you are in love with him ? What is attractive about him to you ? Really ?

3. Do you enjoy sex/being intimate with him ? More than anyone else or could anyone else just as easily fill that part of your life for you ?

See, I do not think that you are in love with him. I think that you love him or maybe like him a lot. If you were in love with him, you wouldn't be able to wait to have babies with him.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

SchrodingersCat said:


> You are probably right. I guess I didn't realize how much of my independence I would be giving up. I don't blame my husband for wanting me to stay around...after all, marriage is about commitment and wanting to actually be around the other person. I guess it's pretty selfish of me to want to go off somewhere.


When I was in my early twenties, I *never *wanted to get married. I saw it as slavery for a woman and a loss of my independent identity. My point of view came from watching my mother choose to be an uneducated doormat I swore that I would be single forever and enjoy my freedom. Because of this, it was hard for me to adjust to answering to a man and losing my independence. 

I came to realize that the loss of independence is less painful than all the joy gained from being married to a good man. I still have a hard enough time wrapping my head about being a wife, much less being a mom. I see so many women trapped in unhappy marriages because they want to do right by their children. I never want to be in that position should my marriage go downhill and that is one of the reasons I choose not to have kids. Believe me, I completely understand how you feel.

It does seem like you are overwhelmed and annoyed with your husband's emotional needs. Marriage is about _compromise_. My husband would not be happy if I went on vacation without him. In fact, he doesn't even like it when I go out every weekend day with my friends. I have to take his needs into consideration because I am his wife. I don't see my husband's needs as controlling; I see his wishes as wanting to connect with his wife. My severe boundary and intimacy issues are challenged by marriage and I think that is very healthy. Marriage is a leap of faith but taking the risk of sharing my life helps me grow emotionally. 

If you stay married to your husband, you are just going to end up resenting him. It doesn't appear that you were prepared for all that comes with marriage and that is okay. Get a divorce and live for you if that is what will ultimately make you happy. There is nothing wrong with that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds to me like a couple of things. You regret not getting to enjoy your new adulthood (20s) and you regret him being a doormat instead of someone who goes out and has fun like you want to do. I imagine if he were as outgoing as you, it wouldn't be as much as an issue. I also sense that he's an introvert as well as insecure, thus trying to control what you do - precisely SO you don't see the greener grass away from him, as he is afraid you'll realize you can get better (this is his insecurity speaking) and leave him. It's very typical, my H did it, my DD23's boyfriends have done it.

What to do, though? IMO, sounds like working through it all with a good MC would be your best bet, so you BOTH get what you want.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> I am not going to accuse you of being selfish or anything like that because it is very clear that you should not have got married. You have a lot of maturity and life experiences to go through before you really know (a) what you want, and (b) what you are capable of.
> 
> However, I do have a different line of questions:
> 
> ...


My husband and I enjoy a passionately fulfilling childfree marriage. All of our extra freedom gives us more time for romance, sex, dates, getaways etc. We enjoy a level of spontaneity that parents have to plan for. I am so glad that my husband was sterilized so that I don't have to be on the Pill and we never have to bother with pregnancy, the aftermath of birth or screaming infants. 

Some parents have beliefs about childfree couples that are unfounded and ignorant. I am so glad that my friends who have kids are rational and easygoing about our choice. There is no "What's wrong with you selfish people?" or "You'll change your mind" nonsense. Some of them even say that we are smart for not having kids. :rofl: They also express envy when my husband and I steal away to wine country on a whim, while they have to spend all their money and time on their kids.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

turnera said:


> It sounds to me like a couple of things. You regret not getting to enjoy your new adulthood (20s) and you regret him being a doormat instead of someone who goes out and has fun like you want to do. I imagine if he were as outgoing as you, it wouldn't be as much as an issue. I also sense that he's an introvert as well as insecure, thus trying to control what you do - precisely SO you don't see the greener grass away from him, as he is afraid you'll realize you can get better (this is his insecurity speaking) and leave him. It's very typical, my H did it, my DD23's boyfriends have done it.
> 
> What to do, though? IMO, sounds like working through it all with a good MC would be your best bet, so you BOTH get what you want.


:iagree: My husband is also an insecure introvert, while I am a social butterfly who is less insecure. We have learned to navigate our different personalities so that both of us can be happy. It wasn't easy though. 

Turnera, sometimes I wonder if all men are just inherently insecure and controlling as a result. I wholeheartedly agree that it is very common for men to try to control their female partners for fear of losing them. 

I'm not sure if MC will work for the OP. It seems like she feels so tied down and trapped that MC would be a waste of time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't see how it can hurt. If nothing else, her husband will have to hear the truth from her so they can both make informed decisions.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

turnera said:


> I don't see how it can hurt. If nothing else, her husband will have to hear the truth from her so they can both make informed decisions.


Oh, I agree that MC wouldn't hurt. I am just not sure how effective it will be. I was under the impression that the OP already told her husband how she felt? Maybe I am wrong...


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