# Need advice from the Ladies...Please Help



## dude_guy (Dec 17, 2011)

Hello! First, thank you for even checking this out. I'm sorry if it gets a little long and I won't blame you for not reading it.

Anyhow, I need some advice from a woman's point of view. (I'm male, so more male-thinking won't help the situation)

The story:

My wife and I work-out together on a regular basis. It's great because we get to do something together and become more fit and healthy - win for everybody. So today we were side by side working on separate machines. The machine I was working on was really 4 machines all tied together, and there were three other people all working out there as well - One male, one female (I guess), and one I don't know. 

Wife Version: After finishing up 1 set of exercising, I proceeded to check-out/stare/oggle the girl working out across from me. Specifically, so I'm told, down her (apparently) low-cut shirt. 

Husband Version: After finishing up 1 set of exercising, I was so tired (We had been exercising for about an hour at this point) that I was spacing out and staring blankly into space. I did not even know there were other people working out around me.

After completing the exercising, my wife confronts me and informs me that she is watching me. I had no idea what she was talking about and denied the accusations. (I promise, I did not look at this other woman. I love my wife very much and would never do anything to hurt her like that) She then informs me that she would like to finish her workout alone. We finish at the gym and have a silent car ride home as well as a silent evening.

She goes shopping, I stay home and read talkaboutmarriage threads. Eventually, I get myself dinner and her dinner for when she returns. (I promised her that she'd never miss a meal during our marriage, and I intend to keep it) When she does come home, we decide to talk. It started with, "You were looking at the other woman, etc etc", "No, I promise I wasn't, etc etc." 

After a few attempts to reassure her that I was not looking at anyone else, I'm getting frustrated. Frankly, I don't like false accusations brought against me, especially when they are baseless and attack my character and integrity. So, I eventually let slip, "You have insecurities that are doing harm to our relationship." Bad move on my part. She asserts they aren't insecurities, she saw what she saw. I explain that I know it may look that way (I'm assuming it looks that way, I was literally spacing out to the point I didn't know there were people around me) but that it only appears that way, and I was not looking at other women.

The argument then boils over to me asking for more trust and confidence and her being hurt that I think she is insecure and not trusting.

So there's the meat of it. Basically, tonight I'm on the couch (which is fine, I'm still a little angry but at least I'm trying to make things better.) I simply will not admit to doing something that I didn't do, period. 

I know this: Yes, I said some hurtful things in anger/frustration. I regret that and admit it openly. No, I'm not a perfect husband but I try very hard to be the best husband I can be. I am not guilty of the accusations and am in no way tempted to be with another woman. I love my wife very much.

What I don't know: How can I show my wife that I am sincere, not a liar, and love her endlessly? How can I prove that I only have eyes for her? 

Thank you for any advice you have. (I need a woman's perspective because the male perspective just says to "let her think whatever- I'm not wrong. Her problem is her problem") Hence, I need some female guidance. 

Thank you again,

dude_guy


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Hmmmmm.....

Only sincerity and time will do the trick I think. But some silly/loving/over-the-top gestures might help. Like take her out to karaoke nite and sing (even if you sing horribly) "I only have eyes for you". Or put a racy photo of her as your desktop. Or get her name tattooed on your ass. Or.... 

Perseverance should do it. Even if you think you shouldn't have to prove it to her, maybe that's what she needs right now.


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## LaxUF (Feb 13, 2012)

I have two chains of thoughts on your predicament:

1.) Men look at women. It is a fact. No sense in denying it doesn't happen. Now it can be done in a respectful way or it can be done in a piggish way. Giving you the benefit of a doubt that you did not / do not make it obvious when it happens is all that anyone could ever expect from you. That doesn't mean that you don't adore your wife or find her the most attractive woman to grace the planet. 

However... saying that you NEVER look at other women is a lie... unless there is something not quite right with you. (not an insult - just thinking in medical terms; testosterone, emotional trauma, vision, etc.)

2.) Your wife has some serious issues with insecurity. Pointing it out in a less than constructive manner doesn't help (although being beaten over the head with accusations would certainly provide motive for reacting inappropriately). 

When things have calmed down suggest speaking with her about it in depth. Is her insecurity the result of previous behaviours, traumatic events, jealousy? There is a root cause. Either try to explore & find it together so it can be remedied or gently suggest she speak with a mental health professional. I can promise you that her insecurity will only get worse and will begin to infect other areas that were otherwise healthy.


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## onehotmama (Apr 13, 2012)

Honestly you should let her see what you wrote here, or paraphrase it to her. You sound like a loving husband and a nice guy, and something like this really shouldn't be that big of a deal. Even if you were looking, everyone is human, and if you sincerely apologized she should let it go. This is making a mountain out of a molehill and you really shouldn't even be forced to sleep on the couch. Do you guys have prior issues with trust?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm with Ladyfrog and LAX on this one...

People check out other people they find attractive, men do it, women do it, single people do it and married people do it too! 

IMHO if either sex says this isn't true - that they do not check out the opposite sex then I call BS. 

There's nothing wrong with it - it's human nature - it only becomes a problem if you act on it and pursue the person you checked out (not saying that you did in fact check anyone out just putting my thoughts out there) or you go and rub it in your SO's face. 

Bottom line is I find it hard to believe she hasn't ever once since you got married seen an attractive man and not took a breif moment to notice him.

She's insecure, you just need to find a caring way to broach the subject with her and get the problem nipped in the bud. But she needs to also look inside herself and figure out what causes her to feel this way.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think if it were me, I would do the following:

A-- ask why she was concerned that you would cheat/leave

B-- ask what behaviors of yours she noticed that would ever suggest it

C-- Have a down to earth talk about insecurity and maybe even find a good book that talks about what it is and how it shows itself. She might not even realize that she is insecure, instead tries to push it off on you. Hardest part is accepting the truth.

BTW, I completely agree that she has some insecurity issues, the question to ask now is why!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Has she always been insecure in your relationship??? Did anything ever happen in your relationship where she felt that you were pulling away etc.

Yes, she's insecure, but to imagine that you are staring at women, something else seems to be going on....trust issues???


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

Let me be the first to say I've done EXACTLY as you have in the gym staring off in exhaustion ONLY to realize when I focused again I was staring at another woman's chest:rofl: LOL Imagine how embarrassed I was when the other woman thought I was gazing at her ta ta's when I was actually just spaced out

This is why I believe you 100% dude_guy-if a woman can inadvertantly do it,so can a guy...LOL I'm just glad no one I knew personally saw me "do it"

BTW even if you "were" checking out her rack on purpose-realize that most women check other women out all the time-it's what we do to size them up. I'm guessing this women had either a bigger rack than your wife,was slimmer or something that made your wife(who had already done a once over of the woman's body by that point)felt insecure about. 

Stick by your guns and don't compromise with your insight on the situation. If you let her *win* in believing it was true in anyway,she'll get worse with insisting you're staring at all types of women when you really aren't!!


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## dude_guy (Dec 17, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your advice and insights. Some updates since yesterday:

We ended up reconciling, but it's sort of an uneasy truce at this point. I did not apologize except for getting angry and reacting with some poorly chosen words. She reluctantly "decided" to believe me since, I think, she just wanted the fight to end. Anyhow, we ended up discussing how it would be better to approach the subject with a bit more grace rather than jumping to conclusions, ie, if she thinks she saw me checking out someone else, ask me about it before accusing me of it.

Yes, I notice other women. As a personal rule, I try not to stare/oggle. Everyone notices, we can't help that. But I can help whether or not I continue to notice. To be fair, I notice other guys too. (I'm totally hetero, but c'mon, some other guys in the gym look pretty d*mn good compared to me)

To answer a few questions and hopefully get some more insights -

There has been nothing in our relationship, in my opinion, that would suggest either of us would ever be unfaithful. We've been together 2 years, married 1, and there has never been any cheating/flirting with someone else, anything of the sort.

However, I have always felt that she doesn't trust me fully, which hurts since I feel like I'm an honorable guy. I'm against infidelity for any reason.

Ok, sticky part. (I know this but I'm not supposed to know this) Most past boyfriends, father, both grandfathers - all had issues with other women. (looking, wanting, pursuing, cheating) I think that it's this that causes the distrust.

I've said I'm not those guys, but that doesn't really help. Basically, I need her to know that she can trust me, that I won't betray her, and that I love her and her alone. 

Is there a way that I could reach out to her to read some books (they were mentioned) or see someone? Basically, I need to present it in a way that isn't condemning or blaming - basically, not saying "You have a problem, fix it."

Thanks again for all the comments - they really have helped and opened up some new thoughts for me.

dude_guy


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I suggest that, moving forward, you set up a once-a-week meeting for an hour, like on Sunday nights, where you review where the marriage is at, discuss any problems either of you is having, and promise to never let it get mean during that meeting. It will allow you to not stress out during the week because you know you'll get to talk about something during that hour. And it keeps you communicating.


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