# My husband had a secret relationship... and now i don't know how to move forward



## suzeeq (May 27, 2008)

My husband and I have been married for 15 years (togather for19) and I found out he was having a relationship with a woman at work. I had noticed that emotionally he was no longer coming home at night. his physical person was always here, but he seemed to not notice me and the kids. At night he fell asleep before I could climb in bed, we were not even intimate for over a month. Finally I showed up at his work for a Birthday party for a mutual friend and his behavior when this woman entered the room explained everything. 
He told me that they had been "just friends" for somewhere around six months or so. he claims they never had sex, but they flirted pretty heavily and consistantly, including intimiate groping and biting. Any questions i ask such as how long have you known eachother, what kinds of things do you talk about....things like that he cannot answer. He says he either forgot or just doesn't know.
The problem escalated when he claimed to have broken it off with her but didn't. He didn't want to cause a scene or hurt her feelings.
I know he wants to save our marraige, he is trying (i think). he changed jobs and i don't think she is a part of his life any more. My problem is, how do i trust him again? I don't know what to do. I thought i knew him so well and now i feel as though i know nothing about him. We have been togather since i was 14 years old and i didn't know he would do something that would so obviously risk his home and his wife and kids.
Any advice would be appreciated!!! Thank you!!
Sue


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi Sue,

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you and I can somewhat relate as I've been in the same position myself. I'm really glad to hear he changed jobs & I hope he is not having any contact with her. 

If he wants to save your marriage, he should have no problem doing whatever it takes to regain your trust. Changing jobs and no contact are both a great start (my husband still works with 'her' and it just makes it more difficult for me) 

Does he understand how deeply he has hurt you? If he does, he should be open book...giving you access to his cell phone, knowing where he is at all times, or whatever it is in your case that causes worry or wonder. In the early stages, I think it's important for you to worry/wonder as little as possible and the more consistent he is with his behavior the better you will slowly begin to trust him again.

It bothers me to think he didn't break it off with her officially. She knows darn well their behavior was completely inappropriate, that she was in the wrong when she crossed the line with your husband. She took the chance of being hurt all on her own. YOU are the one who does not deserve the hurt all of this has caused, not her. My thoughts on it (admittedly totally biased) are that she is no friend to him because friends don't encourage you to break marriage vows and engage in behavior that would put distance in someone's marriage. Friends encourage you to speak to your spouse about the issues that you have within the marriage. IMHO, she lost the privilege (as did he) to be friends because they crossed the line.

The reality is he probably feels very ashamed for his behavior and has trouble talking about it because it brings to the surface and out in the open what he did. He was probably in la la land when it was going on and might not remember the details. He might not understand that the hurt of knowing he shared things with a woman he was attracted to and had an inappropriate relationship with is just as hurtful as the groping, if not moreso. 

If you haven't told him that and do feel that way, you should let him know. The best way to get him talking will be for him to understand you are trying to heal from this, not trying to judge or attack. He may respond with things you do not want to hear (the attention she gave me felt good...or she was really funny and nice) and rather than say "What? I'm not funny? I'm not nice?" you can begin to talk about why he felt disconnected from you in these areas.

The more you are able to calmly talk and if you both agree there were things in your marriage that could have been better, the easier it will be for you to work on rebuilding your marriage and your trust in him. He made a (huge) mistake, but your marriage can come out of this in tact (and sometimes even stronger) if you are both willing to give it the time it needs to heal. 

Best of luck to you both.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> _Originally posted by swedish:_
> Does he understand how deeply he has hurt you? If he does, he should be open book...giving you access to his cell phone, knowing where he is at all times ...


I would recommend discretion here. Better that you move forward in a manner that makes him _want, or choose_ to reassure you - as opposed to forcing the issue and possibly incurring resentment - on both sides.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Good point Deejo...In my situation, the more my husband is open book on his own, the less I even care to look. We were recently at my daughter's softball game and he kept checking his phone, which made me uneasy. He asked if something was wrong and I told him. He was checking the scores of the local MLB game and said 'I'll shut off that internet access if it's upsetting you.' 

It's just a very awkward stage where I still have upsetting thoughts but he is doing everything I could imagine to make me feel at ease during this time, which being that he is going out of his way makes it a little better each day.

So yes, it's definitely important that it comes from him, but also important to share how you're feeling so he has some direction to work with. Another area in which I still struggle...sometimes I think he will just tire of my insecurities so I have also learned to work through some things on my own based on his positive behavior since and only talk to him when it's something I struggle to resolve on my own.


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## suzeeq (May 27, 2008)

Thank you so much for your help!!!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sue

Recovering from an emotional affair myself but regaining trust can be done. It takes time and communication but it can be done. The above advice is all good so take stock in it and don’t expect things to be fixed rapidly. It will take some time. Trust in him where you can for now and let it grow from there. Based on his actions, he looks to be making a good start. Best of luck


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

im currently in a similar boat. hubby of 13 years had a one nite stand 2 months ago. Not a fling as in your case. i have 2 children and can offer that my feelings are very similar to yours. 
believe me its hurt like hell. this man who i commited to through thick and thin. a good wife and mother and bamm - this crops up. 
but so far heres how i deal with it. 
im not unattractive - and i dont blame myself for the cause. i go out with my friends alot more and just enjoy a simple drink and dance. im not interested in other men - my priority is myself and my children. 
have you got a hobby? i horse ride - so thats my release. 
i keep myself busy.
my hubby wants to sort it out and the friends who eggd him on to sleep with this girl, hubby has no more contact. deleted of phone and really sorted out his drinking habits. its a start . personally and i say this often, keep looking good. hair , make-up. change of clothes. i find other ppl notice me more and my hubby notices even more again. if you like yourself, you can live with yourself and that makes you a stronger person. your hubby will see a change . good luck.


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## Pups (Jun 1, 2008)

Statistics show most people have affairs.  If he wanted to leave he would have. I do, however, believe he is still seeing her or someone else. Sounds to me like he's bored.


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