# Touching my wife in nonsexual ways has lead to more and hotter sex



## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

I saved my marriage several years ago almost 100% from reading about marriage and implementing what I learned. I made a list of dos and donts that I review often to stay on track. 

Its always a work in progress but I stick to it because its the only way Ive come up with to maintain the results and marriage I wish to have. 

Despite the organized effort, I still screw it up on occassion by leaving out a vital ingredient or two. This time it was the nonsexual touching. My wife starts getting grumbly and nonsexual when I am NOT NONSEXUAL ENOUGH. 

In the name of romance, my touching her consistently in nonsexual ways leads to her wanting a lot more sex and its always much much hotter when I have been more affectionate for days prior without prompting and without an agenda. 

She is more fun, happier, more loving, more thoghtful and more sexual and its easy and enjoyable for me. Why I cant always remember this is a mystery of the universe. I am a bit of a workaholic. Ii think I have had my life a bit out of balance for the past six weeks but Im back on track and SO IS SHE!


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> My wife starts getting grumbly and nonsexual when I am NOT NONSEXUAL ENOUGH.
> 
> In the name of romance, my touching her consistently in nonsexual ways leads to her wanting a lot more sex and its slways much much hotter when I have been more affectionate for days prior without prompting and without an agenda.


Excellent - congratulations all round.

This is how it is MEANT to work, and perhaps even more importantly an excellent example _*that it actually does*_!

How power to your non sexual touching bits!:smthumbup:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sex starts in the kitchen


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Sex starts in the kitchen


Sex starts in the heads of both people, in that they are willing to do something about it. Once that happens, it doesn't matter which room they're in.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> Sex starts in the heads of both people, in that they are willing to do something about it. Once that happens, it doesn't matter which room they're in.


It's a saying. it's not literal. It means that sex begins with the little things...things around the house, little touches, smiles, etc. 

Geez.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It's a saying. it's not literal. It means that sex begins with the little things...*things around the house, little touches, smiles, etc*.
> 
> Geez.


That's what I said, but if you say "in the kitchen", some people really are going to interpret that literally. And confine it to the kitchen. And come here and tell us it doesn't work. And then where will we be?!


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> That's what I said, but if you say "in the kitchen", some people really are going to interpret that literally. And confine it to the kitchen. And come here and tell us it doesn't work. And then where will we be?!


@that_girl I love your posts and your sharing aspects of your happy relationship. We could use some more of that around here but I agree with Beane. 

Literal is where its at. Too much room for interprestation is a common issue between my wife and I and our female/male approach to communication.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> @that_girl I love your posts and your sharing aspects of your happy relationship. We could use some more of that around here but I agree with Beane.
> 
> Literal is where its at. Too much room for interprestation is a common issue between my wife and I and our female/male approach to communication.


The Army taught me that there is _nothing_ that's so obvious that someone can't misinterpret it!:rofl:


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> I saved my marriage several years ago almost 100% from reading about marriage and implementing what I learned. I made a list of dos and donts that I review often to stay on track.
> 
> Its always a work in progress but I stick to it because its the only way Ive come up with to maintain the results and marriage I wish to have.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Yes, indeed.

Women want to know that their husbands care for and desire them - and not only in the way that he would like to show it (sexual), BUT in the way that she would like it to be shown.

Most women crave that non-sexual attention - conversation and non-sexual touching and affection. My H and I just consider all of that 'foreplay' for the main event - and it makes the main event so much better.

Best wishes.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh geez...it's a very old saying. If people are that literal, lollll well, god help them.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i am currently experiencing the exact same revelation as the OP. not only affectionate nonsexual touching but also words of affirmation and appreciation for what my wife does. things have taken off to heights i only dreamed of 6 months ago. TAM, thank you


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Oh geez...it's a very old saying. If people are that literal,


Oh, believe me, some people really ARE..



> lollll well, god help them.


I hope so, 'cos I think they're beyond what any human can do:rofl:


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

No Issues thanks for the thread of hope...

I have a couple questions. First what types of nonsexual touches seem to work best with your wife? 

I'm in a situation where I feel almost like any touch is hard to do and possibly unwanted.... this is based on the fact that my wife sits always on the other couch. She just seems so busy all the time and in to whatever she is doing at the moment. She's lovey-duby with the kids and her friends just not me at all.

I generally will rub her feet when she slows down and is in bed. She doesn't seem to enjoy the foot rubs as much as she used to but allows quite a bit of time for them to go on. I just don't quite know how to approach her the rest of the time. I guess we both allowed our marriage to get like this we were never lovey dubby. We never were very affectionate physically outside the bedroom in years past even when our marriage was great. It's been literally years since I've kissed her or she's kissed me and I really miss that. We used to kiss during sex but that has been missing in recent years also. We hug when we leave each other on trips etc. We are very nice to each other. I try to show love in other ways by always doing something small to show her I care. Like getting up early to see her off and make her breakfast or fill her car with gas when it's empty etc.

This lifestyle worked when we had sex regularly because every night she would ask for a massage or foot rub in-between. But after the emotional detachment two years ago sex dwindled and she has yet to ask me for contact like a foot rub etc. My love tank is rarely filled nowadays.

She did ask me to rub her head when she had a headache recently though. The most I'm doing right now is sometimes I'll come up and rub her lower back sometimes just to say hi.

I guess I'm trying to figure out what I can do now as we rebuild our connection. I just don't want things to backslide but am curious if I should be incorporating more non-sexual touching along the way and if so what kind? Any help is appreciated.

I'm the one that is tying the temporary 6-mo celibacy period to restart our marriage of 18 years ... I have three months to go and we have agreed to have a monthly discussion about us until our marriage improves and we are both happy again. I plan to have us both take the 5 love language test next month. I want to do a little activity like that every month as we move forward. I already took mine and my two love languages are quality time (11) and physical touch(10) both which are lacking greatly in my marriage right now. We only really see each other Friday night and on weekends and since I get up early for about 20 minutes each morning. The weekends are filled with kid activities and housework mostly. Her main activities beyond that are the gym, Facebook and sleep as early as 8pm (She gets up at 4am for work M-F). It's hard to get alone time with her. She's either busy or sleeping with little in-between. It's her lifestyle i do plenty to take the load off but she still finds activities to fill her day. It's almost like she's afraid she'll crash if she slows down. I'm sure she doesn't even have time to consider we are having a major issue right now. No wonder we are sexless and can't seem to fix her "feelings". She's always been like this and she tends to old grudges. I still love her but I'm reaching the end of my rope as evidenced by the dramatic celibacy try. If this doesn't work I may leave her. I won't accept sexless.

My hope is once we re-engage in sexual activity we will be able to restart our sex life and get off he sexless existence.. Things are going good right now we certainly are talking more and it seems like we are getting along much better (we always got along). i just want to slowly ramp up the non-sexual activity so when the celibacy period ends we can hit he ground running. Hopefully returning to regular sexual activity. I made it pretty clear that was the purpose of the celibacy period was for us to re-connect and get back to normal sexual activities. She thought it was a good idea.

Any suggestions of how to incorporate new touches without freaking her out? Thanks I need all the help I can get! I really want to do things right during this celibacy period where all pressure is off her.

Right now our marriage is 90% fantastic it's just the other 10% (Intimacy) is taking a major hit and has been for two years running.


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## coldshoulder (Sep 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Oh geez...it's a very old saying. If people are that literal, lollll well, god help them.


I've never heard that expression...is it along the same line of "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"?

Cause that's another old one...and since I do the cooking in our family, it doesn't work for me...

Don't be subtle...men are pretty simple beings (I am anyway, subtle and vague don't work well for me...tell me what you want and I will work on getting it for you, you make it harder and I may not come through...very simple)

I agree with the sentiment though...sex doesn't start in the bedroom...it starts with TLC... 

Later.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> No Issues thanks for the thread of hope...
> 
> I have a couple questions. First what types of nonsexual touches seem to work best with your wife?
> 
> ...


The following site has some great information on this (it's "His Needs, Her Needs" if you are familiar with that book). Here's an article on 'affection':

How to Meet the Need for Affection Letter #1 

Best wishes.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> No Issues thanks for the thread of hope...
> 
> _*Its my pleasure*_
> 
> ...


Women shut down when men neglect their needs. Its ok it went there because all us dopey men do it. I saved my marriage four years ago reading about 30 books on marriage and lots of web articles. I suggest you do a google search for Calle Zorro and read the free articles and then spend about four hours in the marriage section of your bookstore looking at some books that interest you. 

Best wishes to you both and remember, think different. Dont be so predicatable.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Yep, meet your wife's needs for affection and appreciation, and watch her meet your needs in the bedroom.

Okie: I'm so glad things are looking up for you!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> Women shut down when men neglect their needs. Its ok it went there because all us dopey men do it. I saved my marriage four years ago reading about 30 books on marriage and lots of web articles. I suggest you do a google search for Calle Zorro and read the free articles and then spend about four hours in the marriage section of your bookstore looking at some books that interest you.
> 
> Best wishes to you both and remember, think different. Dont be so predicatable.


Thanks for the idea.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> Women shut down when men neglect their needs. Its ok it went there because all us dopey men do it. I saved my marriage four years ago reading about 30 books on marriage and lots of web articles. I suggest you do a google search for Calle Zorro and read the free articles and then spend about four hours in the marriage section of your bookstore looking at some books that interest you.
> 
> Best wishes to you both and remember, think different. Dont be so predicatable.


Thanks so much for the detail... I probably am too timid ant too predictable. It's hard to change. I'm all in though and really want to turn this around so I plan to incorporate as much of what you mentioned as possible. 

Thanks.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Thanks so much for the detail... I probably am too timid ant too predictable. It's hard to change. I'm all in though and really want to turn this around so I plan to incorporate as much of what you mentioned as possible.
> 
> Thanks.


Dont tell yourself its hard to change. 

IMHO thats incorrect and defeatest. You can change little bits and pieces in an instant by just making a decision to do so. They add up to something rather signifigance over time. 

The key is making good decisions what to change. Thats where the reading comes in. 

Spouses complain about boredom and predictability. As fuel for your change project...

1. Relabel it "Improvement"
2. Ask yourself why anyone would want to be boring and predictable
3. Think about the delicious payoff of a sizzling marriage. 

Can you explain the celibacy thing? I dont get that except to take pressure off her.

Your post remided me of the post froma few days ago from a wife whose husband wanted her to talk dirty. She thought it was silly and awkward but I and others made a suiggestion and she tried it. She LOVED the reaction she got so shes all good with it now. 

Thats a positive change and it was just a matter of finding something she could attempt and it paid off.

One last reminder, 6 months running a sad, intense marriage, sexless marriage clinic to me is a recipe for permanent damage becasuse its six months of depressing memmories your are creating. You get one life, why not find ways to blow your wifes hair back with something peppy and light hearted. 

Please take her to see comedy, theater, music so she can laugh, smile and wiggle with you. Please please please. She neds to ENJOY your company not dread it because its too intense.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> Dont tell yourself its hard to change.
> 
> IMHO thats incorrect and defeatest. You can change little bits and pieces in an instant by just making a decision to do so. They add up to something rather signifigance over time.
> 
> ...


Sure I'll explain....

The celibacy thing was a way to deflate the "stress" from the big elephant in the room of the past two years balloon. I don't think it's a sad time in fact we are getting along the best we have in many years. Not that I was bugging her before about sex much in fact I went 6 months twice without mentioning a thing (I tried all along like normal but no go most of the time from her). Our sex life had become very infrequent 2x in last 8 mo and pretty vanilla boring. I pretty much had enough and decided to attempt to talk to her once again after three months without... same old stuff came up about feelings, old stuff prior to two years ago etc. A rehash of all other "talks". 

I was done hearing the same old stuff so I wrote her a letter and read it out loud saying that we needed to figure out where this marriage is going and that the last two years were plain unacceptable to both of us . We both weren't fully happy and seemed stuck in a cycle. So after that we agreed to touch base every month until we figure it out. A way of putting the issue at the forefront once a month. I'm pretty sure that she'll want to get to the point we don't have to talk eventually. So will I.

Our marriage is actually really good by all other standards, we don't fight and we talk a lot great extended families and good network of friends.. I know 99.97% she is not cheating now at two years later and 90% certain earlier although I can't completely rule out an EA back then because of the ILYBILWY speech and changes in her like hiding her cell phone and dressing sexier plus shaving. I've done my own due diligence in checking throughout. I have heard nothing except that she wants to continue our marriage and that she is trying really hard to break down her wall we put up.

The Celibacy thing came about at three months after our last intimacy session. I wanted to send a strong signal that what had been going on in our sex life was unacceptable and that we needed to have stress-less time to re-connect over the next three months. She is very busy this time of year at work so I'm putting re-establishment of sex after that period. She thought it was a good idea and seems a lot happier. So am I. So for us its good. My hope is that we both see this as a clear demarcation from the past and the future. She knows I fully expect a sex life with her that is acceptable to both of us. I know she need more attentiveness and an emotional connection. I think and feel we turned a corner finally.

As for fun I have taken her to concerts, dinner, funky art exhibits etc throughout this healing process. Our schedule is such that finding the time to do "dates" is pretty hard. She also is naturally an early to bed person and I mean 8:30pm she's been that way all her life. She never wants sex other than night so therein lies a dilemma. We managed decent sex the first 17 years but the last two have been clinically "sexless".

I really don't think our situation is as "intense" as most I'm not moping around I stay positive and happy. I agree the more fun the better so I'll keep that in mind along with non-sexual touch. I did give her a nice hug today and it felt normal no re-coil from her. So I'm implementing the non-sexual touches more often as we proceed.

I guess my whole strategy is to affect change one way or another. So far we both seem on the path of moving closer. In January we'll reintroduce sex. I think by then all the bonding that occurred during the celibate period and prior will pay off and jump start a new sex life for us that is removed from the old stale one.

I got the idea from "No more Mr. Nice Guy" and it sounded like it might work in our situation. I don't think she sees it as a negative but rather a commitment to our marriage and to her with me thinking of her stressful time at work. Only positive feelings so far that alone is making our day to day environment and interactions much better.

I also wanted to show her that all the nice things I do aren't just for sex always. I am now in full control our sex life not her. It switches up the dynamic entirely. Drastic step for an unacceptable situation is all this is about. So far so good.

It's unconventional I know but I really want a permanent fix for both our sakes, I had done two years of trying other methods and felt we needed to bring the issue to the forefront each and every month and have a clear way forward... not just let it hanging. My thinking is the longer these situations go on the harder they are to fix so I pretty much put two years from the ILYBNILWYA speech as a demarcation point to affect major change one way or another. I won't let this thing drag out. Guess we'll see soon enough. I think she's well aware that something needs to change for us to stay married long term. The next three months we can have all sorts of fun with the holidays and such just no sex.

Thanks for all the advice!


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

You put a lot of thought into it and its sounds like its going well.

I wish you all the best.


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## ldees (Oct 20, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> That's what I said, but if you say "in the kitchen", some people really are going to interpret that literally. And confine it to the kitchen. And come here and tell us it doesn't work. And then where will we be?!


:lol::lol:


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Congratulations. I'm glad your little scheme worked.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I agree...nonsexual touching definitely keeps my drive high. If he never did and never showed his appreciation and only wanted to be intimate in the bedroom I'd be pissed off. At least he's got that right.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

It is amazing the lengths that some people will go to, just to get more sex from their partner. The mind boggles. And they say we are different to animals - LOL!


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

HelloooNurse said:


> It is amazing the lengths that some people will go to, just to get more sex from their partner. The mind boggles. And they say we are different to animals - LOL!


Curious whats with your seemingly poor attitude about us putting a smile on our spouses faces and starting their engine purring? 

What makes you think its "just to get more sex?" Isnt that a disrespectful assumption you are making? 

You call my effort to better understand and meet the needs of my wife a "little scheme" which I took a small, rather insignificant burn to so I ignored it. 

Now your comparing us to animals? You sound pretty negative to me. Why is that? 

This is a fun, positive, upbeat thread unlike most posts on TAM and you dissed it twice. My wife likes what I do and yes it leads to more sex for both of us. Whats your problem with that?

Please share your thoughts. Your disapproval is rather obvious unless Im misreading your comments. Id like to hear why this is an issue for you for others to offer their spouse affection regardless of the purpose. 

Your unexplained objections and seemingly righteous indignation have me puzzled and curious why you dont welcome such things.


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