# How do I turn my husband back into the romantic man I dated?



## lesserhalf (Feb 14, 2015)

Well, we have been married for 12 years. There are a lot of issues in our marriage...some issues have lead to diminished respect for him, such as anger, drunkenness, lewd humor, drug use(pot and some prescription drugs offered by his friends), a DWI and assault charge, constant negativity, criticism about how my body is fat at 118 pounds, periods of being on unemployment and not trying to get a job, trying to control what I eat...my list could go on. But I still choose to have grace, knowing I cannot change him, but must accept him. I love him, not in love, but I love him and I want our marriage to work. We have two kids. One has severe autism and one is typical. Both are under 10 years of age. I am the primary caretaker and he is the breadwinner. We have a terrible sex life, because I simply have no desire. He still does, but he does not help himself, because his way of dealing with this issue is whining about it, yelling, trying to make me feel guilty, threatening to have an affair, or if I give him a hug and a kiss, he immediately shoves his hands down my pants and make some lewd comment about doing it on the kitchen counter. Eeewww. I told him to think back when we were dating and if he would have said that to me then. I asked him to try and remember what he used to say and be like. He was a gentleman, he would make me feel extra special and safe. He would pay nice compliments to me instead of, "your butt is looking nicer since you've been working out." When I told him this, he snapped at me that its a two way street and I should learn about what he needs. But I think I know he needs sex and I am trying to help him figure out how to get that beyond me just laying there waiting for it to be over. He just gets angry and accuses me of enjoying controlling our sex life and withholding it from him. Or he says that I want him to have an affair so that I can have a reason to leave him. *sigh* I honestly do not respect him in my heart, but I am trying to do actions that show respect anyway, and words that show respect. If only he could understand that I do NOT respond to "dirty" sex stuff and that I really need the romantic/friendship stuff to be nurtured....and that I am not trying to make his life miserable. I want to be treated like the lady that he used to treat me like, not like a *****. I dunno....any insights?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Please don't think for a minute that I'm taking his side because I am not. You have a very valid point that you want to feel loved and cherished and not simply to be treated as a piece of meat. Just be very careful though with the withholding of sex, for eventually he just might stop pursuing you and even if you offered yourself to him for sex, he will not want it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Divorce him and then only date him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lesserhalf said:


> Well, we have been married for 12 years. There are a lot of issues in our marriage...some issues have lead to diminished respect for him, such as anger, drunkenness, lewd humor, drug use(pot and some prescription drugs offered by his friends), a DWI and assault charge, constant negativity, criticism about how my body is fat at 118 pounds, periods of being on unemployment and not trying to get a job, trying to control what I eat...my list could go on. But I still choose to have grace, knowing I cannot change him, but must accept him. I love him, not in love, but I love him and I want our marriage to work. We have two kids. One has severe autism and one is typical. Both are under 10 years of age. I am the primary caretaker and he is the breadwinner. We have a terrible sex life, because I simply have no desire. He still does, but he does not help himself, because his way of dealing with this issue is whining about it, yelling, trying to make me feel guilty, threatening to have an affair, or if I give him a hug and a kiss, he immediately shoves his hands down my pants and make some lewd comment about doing it on the kitchen counter. Eeewww. I told him to think back when we were dating and if he would have said that to me then. I asked him to try and remember what he used to say and be like. He was a gentleman, he would make me feel extra special and safe. He would pay nice compliments to me instead of, "your butt is looking nicer since you've been working out." When I told him this, he snapped at me that its a two way street and I should learn about what he needs. But I think I know he needs sex and I am trying to help him figure out how to get that beyond me just laying there waiting for it to be over. He just gets angry and accuses me of enjoying controlling our sex life and withholding it from him. Or he says that I want him to have an affair so that I can have a reason to leave him. *sigh* I honestly do not respect him in my heart, but I am trying to do actions that show respect anyway, and words that show respect. If only he could understand that I do NOT respond to "dirty" sex stuff and that I really need the romantic/friendship stuff to be nurtured....and that I am not trying to make his life miserable. I want to be treated like the lady that he used to treat me like, not like a *****. I dunno....any insights?


Your body and mind are telling you something very important that you need to listen to. Your husband's behavior and treatment of you are a HUGE turnoff.

You need to really spend some time thinking about why you are putting up with this behavior and treatment. 

There are two books that I think will help you. "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them. Then get him read them with you and work on what they say to work on.

Also, you would benefit from finding a good individual counselor and figure out why you have such little love for yourself and why you continue to allow him to mistreat you. You cannot change him. You can only change yourself. You have taught him that it's ok to mistreat you. Your marriage will not change until you start setting boundaries of what you will put up with and how you allow yourself to be treated.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I wouldn't want to sleep with your husband either. He sounds very disrespectful. 
He really needs to learn to respect you and to act like an adult. 

You need to learn how to make good boundaries and stick with them, because he will never change unless he has to by the sounds of it.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

lesserhalf said:


> Well, we have been married for 12 years. There are a lot of issues in our marriage...some issues have lead to diminished respect for him, such as anger, drunkenness, lewd humor, drug use(pot and some prescription drugs offered by his friends), a DWI and assault charge, constant negativity, criticism about how my body is fat at 118 pounds, periods of being on unemployment and not trying to get a job, trying to control what I eat...my list could go on.


I stopped here. He's an abusive jerk. For your own safety, leave him. No one deserves to be treated like this.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

He became angry, started using drugs, drinking, getting in fights and making lewd comments only AFTER you got married?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

lesserhalf said:


> ....but I love him and I want our marriage to work. We have two kids.
> 
> ....We have a terrible sex life, because I simply have no desire.
> 
> ...


He sounds like a jerk, but your are asking how to make this work. It is your choice.

Forgive him and drop all your anger toward him. Have you thought of telling him that you would like some bedroom roll playing, where he treats you like a lady and you treat him like your Prince Charming? Do it enough and it might become second nature to him. 

If you are being blamed for controlling your sex life, you might as well make the most of it. Teach him what you really need in a way that he hears you.

Good luck.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Bait and switch.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

No one deserves that treatment. Sounds like a pig🐷


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lesserhalf said:


> Well, we have been married for 12 years. There are a lot of issues in our marriage...some issues have lead to diminished respect for him, such as anger, drunkenness, lewd humor, drug use(pot and some prescription drugs offered by his friends), a DWI and assault charge, constant negativity, criticism about how my body is fat at 118 pounds, periods of being on unemployment and not trying to get a job, trying to control what I eat...my list could go on. But I still choose to have grace, knowing I cannot change him, *but must accept him*. I love him, not in love, but I love him and I want our marriage to work. We have two kids. One has severe autism and one is typical. Both are under 10 years of age. I am the primary caretaker and he is the breadwinner. We have a terrible sex life, because I simply have no desire. He still does, but he does not help himself, because his way of dealing with this issue is whining about it, yelling, trying to make me feel guilty, threatening to have an affair, or if I give him a hug and a kiss, he immediately shoves his hands down my pants and make some lewd comment about doing it on the kitchen counter. Eeewww. I told him to think back when we were dating and if he would have said that to me then. I asked him to try and remember what he used to say and be like. He was a gentleman, he would make me feel extra special and safe. He would pay nice compliments to me instead of, "your butt is looking nicer since you've been working out." When I told him this, he snapped at me that its a two way street and I should learn about what he needs. But I think I know he needs sex and I am trying to help him figure out how to get that beyond me just laying there waiting for it to be over. He just gets angry and accuses me of enjoying controlling our sex life and withholding it from him. Or he says that I want him to have an affair so that I can have a reason to leave him. *sigh* I honestly do not respect him in my heart, but I am trying to do actions that show respect anyway, and words that show respect. If only he could understand that I do NOT respond to "dirty" sex stuff and that I really need the romantic/friendship stuff to be nurtured....and that I am not trying to make his life miserable. I want to be treated like the lady that he used to treat me like, not like a *****. I dunno....any insights?


you choose to accept him. You are not forced. Can't Polish a turd. I doubt significantly that he was a perfect gentleman and then just turned into this one day. My guess is that you just are seeing the past through rose colored lenses. you are either going to have to leave this ass or accept who he really is. But no matter what you decide that is your choice


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

> Well, we have been married for 12 years. There are a lot of issues in our marriage...some issues have lead to diminished respect for him, such as* anger*, *drunkenness,* lewd humor, *drug use(pot and some prescription drugs offered by his friends)*, a* DWI and assault charge*, constant negativity, *criticism about how my body is fat at 118 pounds*, periods of being on unemployment and not trying to get a job, *trying to control what I eat*...my list could go on.


Didn't read past this. Some parts I didn't bold...those are your minor issues (and those are still major issues), Parts in bold is enough for that man to be out the door. That's not attractive behavior at all. It's disgusting. 

He would have a hard time getting laid by anyone else if that's how he acted with them - so how in the world can he expect you to have sex with him. 

Why are you with him?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I wouldn't want to sleep with your husband either. He sounds very disrespectful.
> He really needs to learn to respect you and to act like an adult.
> 
> You need to learn how to make good boundaries and stick with them, because he will never change unless he has to by the sounds of it.


I cannot fathom ANY way that I would again be *REMOTELY* attracted to him, based on the things you have stated and explained.

*Romance and "turning your husband BACK into the 'romantic' person he was" is the least of your problems.*

Divorce, finances, and staying safe should be your priorities.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sounds like he was "just good enough" until he married and then started slacking.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

Does he know how unhappy you are? The arrests, and drug use would be a deal breaker for most. You sound like a loving and forgiving person who deserves better!


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