# Wife may be having affair, did I ruin my chance to save my M?



## Sean42 (Dec 4, 2009)

I'm new here, and I've been dealing with my situation for only a short time and this seems like a good place to get some support. Here's my story, it's likely to be to long and confused, but it will help just to get it out:

Five weeks ago my W came home after a night out with friends from work, and told me she wanted out of the marriage and that she "loved me but wasn't in love with me". We've had a difficult 16 years of marriage, but this is a real surprise and awakening for me. I asked her what gave her the courage this particular night to confront me, and she said something just "snapped". I pleaded with her to reconsider, and things just got worse from there. she said she had never loved me, wasn't attracted to me, and wanted me to go and meet other women.

After she went to bed, of course I couldn't sleep, I got suspicious. I noticed that her laptop and cellphone were missing, so I checked the online cellphone records and discovered some strange phone calls. I blocked my called id and called one of the numbers and heard a strange man's voicemail message stating his name. In the morning, I confronted her with, asking her who the man was. She claimed he was just a parent of one of her students (she's an elementary school teacher) that she was just friends with. She then freaks out and begs me not to call his wife, because everyone will think she has an obsessed husband and she'll lose her job. This doesn't make much sense to me, but I'm still trusting her a little.
She says she and the man work on a thanksgiving committee together. She wants to know how I got his name, and I say that there was a call on our home phone several weeks ago, and I called it and got that name. It was the only name I could think of, so I was trying to catch her. I didn't want to give away that was checking the cell phone records.

The next day she wanted to know if I had called the man, and said that he had called and they had a fight because he claimed that her husband had tried to call from a private number. I'm thinking, why would some parent think that her husband was trying to check up on him?

the next night, I checked the cellphone again, and she spent an hour talking to the man on both his cell phone and business. I checked her email online. We've always shared passwords, and she did'nt realize that the emails are available online until she downloads them to her laptop. I caught one email from the man to her personal email, asking her if she was going to wear a sexy costume for halloween. There is no way he should be emailing her this, or to her personal email instead of school. I got very upset, and woke her up to confront her. I'm sure this was a mistake, because I should've have waited and tried to get more info. She claimed that he had been helping her with a website, but this email was clearly over the line and that it put her job at risk so she was going to put a stop to it. I was so upset, that I did'nt save a copy of the email.

Since then, I haven't confronted her anymore about this, but she has brought up several times that she is worried that I have PI's following her. All i've really been able to do is monitor the cell phone calls. What she did do was change all her emails, and start limiting her cell phone use. Her texting is through the roof, and I now suspect that she has another phone.

All of this happened in the first week. Since then there has been lots of other drama. Right now, she is living in our guest room. She has taken off her rings, divorced me on facebook, cancelled marriage counciling, hired a high end lawyer, and we are barely talking.

I'm not 100 percent sure of what has been going on. Other evidence includes new clothes, she's lost about 30 pounds, has completely changed her hair and started wearing perfume, and has lots of new friends. I wish I had not confronted her until I had more evidence.

At this point the only thing I can think of doing would be to call the other man's wife and see what she knows, but I'm not sure that would be the right thing to do.

Other stuff I've been doing has been focusing on trying to be a great father to my two children, taking care of myself and improving myself, and giving my W space.

I'd appreciate any input you may have. I feel very lost!


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Looks like it's over. You need a lawyer and to tell her to move out. The only hope to actually 'save' the marriage is for her to be out on her butt and realize her mistake.

But that might not happen.

Give her nothing. She cheated on YOU...this isn't your fault.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

No, you did not ruin the chance to save your marriage. The evidence doesn't matter. Confronting her doesn't matter. She's having an affair. The affair isn't the problem. The affair is the outcome of the problem. I'm not saying that to give her a pass. I'm saying it so that you can maintain some perspective.

When you feel that you have evaluated the problems, and weighed the impact of her behavior, you can decide if your marriage is actually worth saving.

There are two ways you can proceed, one has a much greater chance of putting the two of you in a place where you can try to reconnect, the other only prolongs, or expedites the ultimate failure of your marriage.

Tragically, there are many, many threads here very similar to yours. Read a few of them. You will undoubtedly discover the methods that I'm referring to. And I will make it easy, virtually every man initially chooses the method that won't work.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Sven has good advise. Also out the affair to the other man's wife. Men tend to dive back into a marriage once caught cheating, women however often don't. Of if they come back, it's reluctantly, and they don't put in the effort. (This is a generalization made from reading 1,000 of posts just like yours. Infidelity sucks!)

Sorry you're going through this. Spy as you need to, don't tip her off to ANY of your sources. The sooner the affair is out, the quick it will end. Expect it to get worse before it gets better. The best thing you can do is detach, read as much as you can on affairs, and hold on.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Deejo - What do you see as the two methods?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Sean42 said:


> I'm new here, and I've been dealing with my situation for only a short time and this seems like a good place to get some support. Here's my story, it's likely to be to long and confused, but it will help just to get it out:
> 
> Five weeks ago my W came home after a night out with friends from work, and told me she wanted out of the marriage and that she "loved me but wasn't in love with me". We've had a difficult 16 years of marriage, but this is a real surprise and awakening for me. I asked her what gave her the courage this particular night to confront me, and she said something just "snapped". I pleaded with her to reconsider, and things just got worse from there. she said she had never loved me, wasn't attracted to me, and wanted me to go and meet other women.
> 
> ...


I am heartened by your final paragraph that you are focusing on your children, and taking care and improving yourself. I applaud you, as emotionally confused as you feel right now, you are far from lost. You are exactly where you need to be as a good man. 

Although make sure by you "giving her space" as to your wife, be sure in presenting yourself to her to be always in control of yourself and your emotions...begging, crying, and pleading will not work at all to restore your wifes attraction to you, and if you are confident and clear in all your communications that you will be just fine without her and in so many little ways aloof it will burn in her greatly the good man that she has hurt. The ball will then be in your court in the time later for any reconcilliation or seperation, when the dust settles and it is clear that you stand tall as a good man and a good father with your dignity and integrity.

You've seen some good advice already. 

Yes, contact a good lawyer. Now.

Yes, then contact the wife of the Other Man.

If she has indeed been unfaithful, and the laws are just where you live, then the children and your assets will not be squandered if you are diligent with the evidence and documentation. 

I wish you well.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

seeking sanity said:


> Deejo - What do you see as the two methods?


As I see it;

1. Try desperately to reconnect, seek intimacy, being close, etc. Believing that killing her with kindness and love will win her back. 

2. Tough love, for yourself and your partner. Turn your attention inward. Don't focus on acting more like a loving partner, focus on being or rediscovering the loving partner you were when you met. Become a whole, healthy, independent and desirable person with self-respect and boundaries, instead of the caricature your spouse perceives you to be.

At this point which do you think is more likely to make his wife question her own actions, begging her not to move out, or if he impassively hands her a newspaper with rentals circled and recommends that she plans on being out of the house before February?


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## Sean42 (Dec 4, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> Sorry you're going through this. Spy as you need to, don't tip her off to ANY of your sources. The sooner the affair is out, the quick it will end. Expect it to get worse before it gets better. The best thing you can do is detach, read as much as you can on affairs, and hold on.


Thanks SS,

I think I confronted her too quickly, so now she has changed all of her passwords, gotten a new gmail account, likely a secret cell phone, and may have limited contact with the OM. I don't really know. I don't have the resources to hire a PI, or a specific idea when they would be meeting. 

The only evidence I have right now is the cell phone calls which I don't think are enough. I did'nt save the email because I confronted her right then! Everything else is circumstantial. 

I don't know if I have enough to call the OM's wife. What do you think?


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## letitgo (Nov 3, 2009)

Calling the wife will def. start up trouble! So maybe thats a good idea..Maybe her H will confess to cheating and end it with your wife (assuming there is something going on) I see that being a good end to this all since your wife will not come forward and confess. IDK if telling your wife your going to call his wife and see what she has to say is a good thought either?? It might scare her into saving this other dude butt by telling you the truth or it may just become ugly and not work out at all. Your wife does need to know you still deeply care about her but dont smother her, she does need space and shouldnt be getting and special nice treatment from you when she is in the wrong.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

It is just a strong opinion, based on my own experiences, but changing passwords and adding new email accounts indicate that your wife is either having an emotional or physical affair with this man. It also appears that you have "jumped the gun" by confronting her too soon. It will definately be harder to catch her, but it is still possible.

Best wishes to you.


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## Sean42 (Dec 4, 2009)

Deejo said:


> As I see it;
> 
> 1. Try desperately to reconnect, seek intimacy, being close, etc. Believing that killing her with kindness and love will win her back.
> 
> ...


Well, I'm not sure where I was on this originally. I likely did #1 at first, and moved quickly to #2. I fear that I've been too harsh.

My first reaction to my W was to tell her I understood and didn't want her to be unhappy, and I was willing to accept a divorce, but I wanted to try to work it out. It took a few days, but I really feel like I've come to a better understanding of many things that I've been failing at in our M. It's been a hard and painful awakening. I told her that I understood, and accepted the blame for my parts of the M and I really thought we could make a change. I asked her to go with me to Marriage Counseling. She went once, and unleashed her fury. 
I started focusing on our two kids and working around the house and on me. She noticed and it made her pretty angry, and I just told her that I was working on me. 

We've had some confrontations however, and those seem to have escalated her detachment from me. First, I had started sleeping in the guest room, but after a few days, I told her that I would be sleeping in the masterbedroom and I moved my stuff back in. She responded by moving all of _her _stuff into the guest room(she had the kids help her!). 
Second, When she was railing on me, I told her that I was moving on and when she didn't believe me I told her that I had already seen a lawyer to see what my rights were. I told her I still wanted to work things out, but I was taking care of myself.
Third, two weeks later, I discovered that she had taken all of our cash (about 2k) and printed out all of my financial records. I confronted her about, and she eventually returned about $600. This is when I found out that she had hired her own lawyer. 
Fourth, I told her the next day that I had separated our finances because I couldn't trust her with our money. I took half and put it my own account.
Fifth, we had agreed that our Son13 would be spending new years week with me while she went to visit her family. I found out Thanksgiving day that she had been pressuring him to choose between us for that week. He was upset and told me he didn't want to choose. I confronted her and told her that we needed to keep the kids out of the middle, and that I thought we should keep the agreement. She says she'll have her lawyer handle it.

I think another of my mistakes has been that in the confrontations I've been too emotional, hurt, and vindictive. I'm sure that just confirms her reasons for leaving.

There is so much more that has happened, and I don't really think I can give a coherent narrative for it. Right now I'm leaving out some stuff that I'm sure is relevant.


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## Sean42 (Dec 4, 2009)

I just want to say thanks to Sven, Deejo, Seeking Sanity, and BigBadWolf for responding so quickly.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

If you need to collect info, consider key logger software (it records every key stroke). It will allow you to hack her GMail account. (I hate GMail because of my ex's two affairs, when I finally hacked it I got the entire ugly story.)

This is a messy, heart wrenching business. Keep your cool as best you can, and as Deejo wrote, detached tough love is the best shot at coming thru with your sanity - with or without her.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

yeah, the keylogger thing is wicked. You might need to do it.

Sean - you need to give her an ultimatum. "Give me every password and let me read every email and text message or the marriage is over." Or something similar. It is inconceivable that she should hide something like that from you. She is obviously having an affair and keeping you around as "Option B".

I know it hurts and sucks...but you need to take charge here.

If my wife had done what your's has now done, my marriage would be over. Trust is EVERYTHING.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You don't need "evidence." You know she's having an affair, no matter how much she denies it. I think talking to the OM's wife is problematic, although if it ends the affair (b/c he goes running back to his wife, tail between his legs), it may be the best chance to save the marriage. Without another man to run to, she may choose to try to stay with you. 

Either way, insist that she end the affair and work on the marriage in a fully committed manner--with weekly counseling--as long as it takes for the two of you to agree either that you are happy together, or that you are not. She may need time to get over the loss of her lover--you just can't hurry emotional recovery or her emotional re-attachment to you--but it may not, if he leaves her hanging. You need to recognize that this will be a long recovery process, likely a couple of years. Do not go into it with a specific timetable in mind, b/c you too will need time, a LOT of time, to get past her affair. 

Married couples cannot have secrets, and I don't know why anyone would want them in a good marriage. Heck, I didn't have any in my not good marriage. You are entitled to privacy within your thoughts until you are ready to share them (and share them--if they are about the marriage or your spouse--you must, to keep the relationship healthy), but neither party should be sharing any private thoughts with anyone but their spouse. Women tend to tell too much to female friends that they should say to their spouse; men tend to either keep it in or find a sympathetic female ear--that's obviously dangerous. But the real problem is, by not sharing with your spouse, by hiding anything, you are interfering with the kind of intimacy that helps make a marriage stronger. 

She has absolutely no right to any privacy now, anyway, b/c she has violated your trust in the worst possible way. She cannot give you a timetable for forgiving her, just like you can't give her one for returning emotionally to you. But none of that is even possible if she continues the affair.

Be prepared. She may deny and blame. Refuse to negotiate--you will proceed on the assumption she's in an affair, or all bets are off. Also, be prepared that she may choose to leave even without a lover in the wings. Less likely, but possible. A woman who simply wants out will leave before taking a lover, or only take the lover after she's made the decision (and, hopefully, has already ended the marriage, or at least started the process of ending it officially). From what I've heard/read, when women leave b/c they are "done," and NOT because of another man, there is rarely any turning back. The ones who have affairs are often too afraid of being alone, so if the lover disappears, they may scurry back to their spouse. Just my observations, remember. 

Get the book "the Healthy Divorce" and read the parts about kids. You are soooooooooooooo right about not forcing the kid to choose. That is potentially very damaging, and no good parent wants to do that, no matter how much they want to hurt the spouse. Getting her to understand that, and facilitating that (by refusing to engage at a low level, by supporting her efforts to keep things 'business-like" and kid-focused) will help your son a LOT in the long run. It is not the fact of divorce that is damaging to kids, the evidence now shows; it's forcing the child into positions between his parents, having to take sides or other such things, that is damaging. Kids from divorces that are "well done" (in respect to keeping the kid from these awful positions) are no more likely to have issues later than kids from intact families. 

Best of luck. work on yourself and either way-divorce or not--you will be a winner.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I second Sisters recommendation about "Healthy Divorce".


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