# A roommate marriage



## Nessavp (Aug 19, 2015)

Hi there this is my first time doing anything like this but somehow it seems easier than counseling. My husband and I have not been intimate in 8 years. We have one child. This situation is consuming me. It seems as though I can simply solve the situation by losing weight but I know it's not that simple. I guess I am looking for an open discussion.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Hi Nessavp!

Welcome to TAM. 

I'm sorry for your situation. Roommate marriages are soul-killing... I was in one for a very long time (now divorced).

What is your husband's position on why there is no sex? Is he blaming it on your weight?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

More details, please?

Was it ever good?

If so, when did it stop being good?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Nessavp said:


> It seems as though I can simply solve the situation by losing weight but I know it's not that simple.


Why can't it be? Many spouses lose attraction for one another due to letting themselves go. People get comfortable and put less effort into the relationship. It's not fair but it is what it is.

That said, you shouldn't lose the weight for him. You should want to lose the weight for you. You should want to be healthy and want to feel good looking in the mirror. It's the only way the changes will be lasting.

The side effect of this will be a husband who sees how confident you feel and it will create attraction and renewed energy in the marriage. Do it together if you can. Diet together so you're eating the same meals and going to the gym together is a great way to bond. It's also keeps you motivated when you have a partner to encourage and lean on for support.


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## Nessavp (Aug 19, 2015)

First off thank you for taking interest and I appreciate the questions and feedback. Its seems an easy solution wood just be to lose weight but it has been a very hard task and makes me feel trapped in literally my own skin but I feel from him that it's a conditional love. It's different when your dating but when you marry someone it should be unconditional through hard times. I know that's not realistic but I feel like my life is on hold until I lose weight.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Nessavp said:


> First off thank you for taking interest and I appreciate the questions and feedback. Its seems an easy solution wood just be to lose weight but it has been a very hard task and makes me feel trapped in literally my own skin but I feel from him that it's a conditional love. *It's different when your dating* but when you marry someone it should be unconditional through hard times. I know that's not realistic but I feel like my life is on hold until I lose weight.


And that's the problem. When it becomes one spouse stops trying or caring the other will check out real quick. The unknown change is why many are afraid of getting married.


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## Nessavp (Aug 19, 2015)

I didn't stop caring or trying the weight gain happened after 2 miscarriages and the lack of response from my husband to be affectionate. He would have a lot of excuses instead of being honest. It's both our faults really and he is also overweight. I think it's easier for women to overlook heaviness though.


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## SignOfLife (Aug 13, 2014)

Therapy...is what you need. Buildback your self esteem..You have let yourself go based on the miscarriages and that is not fair to him. Choose to be healthy and happy, not down and out..
Get a fresh start on yourself..it can be a fun journey..


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Take a look at the many HD / LD (high desire / low desire) threads on this site. This is a common and really miserable problem. I wish I could give you more hope, but these generally end badly.

Unless you are morbidly obese, your weight is not the issue, it is his lack of interest. 

If you are extremely obese, then you should lose weight for reasons of your own health. 

I've been married 25 years, my wife in in her 50s, has had a partial mastectomy, and all the usual physical issues that half a century of active living will produce. She is still beautiful to me and I still greatly desire her. That is how love works for most people. 


I think its very likely that the problem is not you, but him.




Nessavp said:


> Hi there this is my first time doing anything like this but somehow it seems easier than counseling. My husband and I have not been intimate in 8 years. We have one child. This situation is consuming me. It seems as though I can simply solve the situation by losing weight but I know it's not that simple. I guess I am looking for an open discussion.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

I lost weight and it didn't make a difference...get healthy ONLY for yourself.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Without a lot more information, all I can suggest is replacing him with a new roommate - one with benefits.


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## Mika_12 (Feb 22, 2015)

Nessavp said:


> Hi there this is my first time doing anything like this but somehow it seems easier than counseling. My husband and I have not been intimate in 8 years. We have one child. This situation is consuming me. It seems as though I can simply solve the situation by losing weight but I know it's not that simple. I guess I am looking for an open discussion.


I'm so sorry to hear that. I've felt like that myself, on and off for a few years in my marriage. I suggest marriage counseling, that greatly improved my situation and our underlying issues. Hope that things get better!


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## tryingtobehopeful (Aug 25, 2015)

I have never done this before I hope I am posting in the right place. I have been married for 4 years and have been in a roommate marriage for about 3.5 of those years. We got pregnant very early and my wife said she wasn’t ready and after some discussion (no arguing just discussing to make sure it was the right decision) I supported her in the decision. I backed off on sex and didn’t even pressure her for six months afterwards. At that point I began to become worried and tried discussing it with her. Her reaction was bad. She blew up on me saying that she was scared and pressuring her made her want sex even less. Over the next couple of years we would go through similar fights with the same reply that the “pressure” made her want it less. This felt like a way of trying to dissuade discussion to be honest. 

I would try to explain that this wasn’t healthy and that I understood things were hard but we needed to sort them out. I suggested marriage counseling which she responded “I am happy I don’t see why we need it. We can go if you need to sort out your problem”. This is a running theme “my problem” or problems “I” think we have. We talked about arranging a weekly sex night but mostly it would get skipped or she would say ok unenthusiastically stating there was laundry to do or she would rather watch TV. It got to a point where I said if it was still what caused the initial problem we had to seek counseling. Nothing came of this and it has now evolved into chronic headaches, fatigue, jaw pain, job dissatisfaction or any number of issues interfering with our sex life.
Around a year ago I gave up. Don’t get me wrong we do have sex occasionally, every 1-3 months mostly every 2-3 now. It seems to be getting farther and farther apart. When I said I gave up I mean I have given up arguing about it. My sex drive is drying up. I am filling this hole with food and put on quite a bit of weight and lost confidence. I am starting to find that I don’t want sex with her. Unfortunately this isn’t a comfortable thing for me. I hate it. I feel numb and alien to myself. I am less attracted to her too. 

I am painting her in a negative light but she is my best friend and I do love her. It is this one area where she so closed off. Unfortunately I need and I believe she does to but won’t admit to the problem. My feeling of closeness to her is almost gone and I am starting to really resent her. She doesn’t seem happy either but hasn’t for a while. She insists she loves me so much and wants to be with me. 

I don’t believe it is crazy to want to have sex with my wife once a week maybe twice if we are feeling really crazy. I am trying not to think of this as a “my needs aren’t being met” because we both seem so different.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Nessavp said:


> I didn't stop caring or trying the weight gain happened after 2 miscarriages and the lack of response from my husband to be affectionate. He would have a lot of excuses instead of being honest. It's both our faults really and he is also overweight. I think it's easier for women to overlook heaviness though.


How did the miscarriage affect each of you? I've heard that this kind of situation can affect men too, and they might not be very good at expressing emotions that they simply try to bury it.

You said that you only gained weight after your husband lacking response, and his lacking response started after the miscarriages. This might have something to do with it and it might take time to talk over the issue. Maybe counselling can help.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

tryingtobehopeful said:


> I have never done this before I hope I am posting in the right place. I have been married for 4 years and have been in a roommate marriage for about 3.5 of those years. We got pregnant very early and my wife said she wasn’t ready and after some discussion (no arguing just discussing to make sure it was the right decision) I supported her in the decision. I backed off on sex and didn’t even pressure her for six months afterwards. At that point I began to become worried and tried discussing it with her. Her reaction was bad. She blew up on me saying that she was scared and pressuring her made her want sex even less. Over the next couple of years we would go through similar fights with the same reply that the “pressure” made her want it less. This felt like a way of trying to dissuade discussion to be honest.
> 
> I would try to explain that this wasn’t healthy and that I understood things were hard but we needed to sort them out. I suggested marriage counseling which she responded “I am happy I don’t see why we need it. We can go if you need to sort out your problem”. This is a running theme “my problem” or problems “I” think we have. We talked about arranging a weekly sex night but mostly it would get skipped or she would say ok unenthusiastically stating there was laundry to do or she would rather watch TV. It got to a point where I said if it was still what caused the initial problem we had to seek counseling. Nothing came of this and it has now evolved into chronic headaches, fatigue, jaw pain, job dissatisfaction or any number of issues interfering with our sex life.
> Around a year ago I gave up. Don’t get me wrong we do have sex occasionally, every 1-3 months mostly every 2-3 now. It seems to be getting farther and farther apart. When I said I gave up I mean I have given up arguing about it. My sex drive is drying up. I am filling this hole with food and put on quite a bit of weight and lost confidence. I am starting to find that I don’t want sex with her. Unfortunately this isn’t a comfortable thing for me. I hate it. I feel numb and alien to myself. I am less attracted to her too.
> ...


Hi, you'd get more responses if you open your own thread, as this thread is about someone else's situation.

You might try not to think of this as a "my needs aren't being met" but this is exactly it. Don't feel guilty about it as everyone has needs and couples should pay attention and work on issues together. Which is what your wife doesn't seem to be doing.

This is not just your problem. This is both of your problem.

When you talked to her, did she talk about why she feels this way? Why is she scared or doesn't want intimancy?

Also, how is affection and bond?

Resentment will sooner or later kill the bond, if she is not willing to face the situation together with you. Also, your growing indifference is a psychological defense mechanism, as you might be tired of being frustrated and hurt with your wife and so unconsciously you distance yourself to avoid more pain.
Understand that this is a tricky thing to solve and revert, so your wife ignoring this will make it very hard or even impossible to fix in the end.

You both should really go counselling. Even if she says that it's to fix your issue and not both, at first, if she can listen to the counselor it might be a start. If not, you need to ponder if you are ok with this.


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## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

I think things can be fixed but the process is going to slow and gradual. One step at a time, follow the "thread", good communication and you just might make it.


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