# My brother's suspicion



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Background info, about 3 years a go found out that my H was cheating with my sister in law. I have had no contact with this woman since but still talk to my brother on and off to see how he is doing. Oh, my brother and H work together but different shifts so they still have to deal with each other. Before the affair, family was very close since my children and my neices and nephew are close in age. By the way, my brother and his wife moved so now they live 10 minutes from my family. 

My brother called me 2 days ago and asked me if my H was home. Since I was asleep in another room, I told him I'd go check. I had to get up early for work so I was sleeping in the spare room. My brother was concern because his wife left the house without telling him before he had to go to work. He works the midnight shift. While that night, my H was doing overtime on the evening shift.

When I went to check on my H he was in bed sleeping. My brother is contemplating divorce but my H and I are working on our marriage but now I'm back on this trust roller-coaster and wondering if I'm a fool for staying in this marriage. 

I don't know how to stop this panic feeling that I have. One of my biggest contention with myself about his affair was that I didn't have any suspicion that something was wrong so how do I know that it has really ended.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Have you had counseling?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Did you rugsweep? I.E., tried to ignore what had happened?

That's a common human reaction, but really it is quite unhelpful. 

And yes, I know from personal experience. 

Your brother's wife might be having an affair with a new lover.

Perhaps you should invite him here?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yeah, like Matt says. Turn your brother on to TAM. We would do what we can to help him.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

He didn't want to go to counseling. I went alone so I could figure out if I wanted to stay in the marriage. The most he did was speak with my pastor


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Refused to go to counseling? Print this off and go over it with your husband. 

BTW, there is no stigma in dumping a cheater.


Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

From your description it sounds like you and your brother both just swept it all under the rug, is that a fair assessment?  If your brother gets that divorce, you can expect his wife will likely throw herself at your husband, what does she stand to lose at that point? What does the rest of your family(parents,other siblings,children etc.) say about all of this? From your other thread you made it sound like your mother admonished you to stay with your husband. Does it not even bother her that the man she's basically defending not only cheated on her daughter, but also slept with her son's wife?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Has your brother done any investigation to determine if the affair is over or if his wife has a new affair partner?
Track her phone?
GPS her car?
Monitor texts & phone calls?
Key logger on computers?

Anything?

If not - he should start. 

Send him here. There are a couple of guys here who are above the curve with monitoring electronic devices and gathering information. He would definitely benefit from their knowledge.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your husband is not doing everything he could to save your marriage as he refused counselling. I'm sure that you'll have trouble again. I predict that your husband will cheat again. He may have cheated before as you can't read the signs of cheating. 

Another poster mentioned that your mother advised you to stay in the marriage. Are you financially capable of supporting yourself? If not, your mother may be looking at this from the security angle. My mother did the same to my tortured sister. They eventually divorced as her husband cheated over and over as he know that no consequences would be given to his cheating behavior. He got STD and my sister had to go through treatments. It gave her a wake up call as she had very young children at that time. 

You need to build your self-esteem. Get a skill to be gainfully employed if you are not at the moment. Continue your counselling. This is a good start.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

TDSC60 said:


> Has your brother done any investigation to determine if the affair is over or if his wife has a new affair partner?
> Track her phone?
> GPS her car?
> Monitor texts & phone calls?
> ...



My thoughts exactly, TDSC. 

She may be having another affair. OP's brother should dump this woman and fast. She stained the family and put him in a state of chaos. She is evil. The fact that OP's husband indulged in this makes me question why she's still around in it too.

She should make him face consequences and the brother should dump his wife pronto


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm sorry, but your husband is scum. 

Tell me something, how much does it say about your love and loyalty to your own brother that you would stay married to an unrepentant cheater who would fvck over his own brother in law, not to mention his own wife. 

Harsh? You bet. Because I think you need to step back and open your eyes to the reality of this situation.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm sorry, but your husband is scum.
> 
> Tell me something, how much does it say about your love and loyalty to your own brother that you would stay married to an unrepentant cheater who would fvck over his own brother in law, not to mention his own wife.
> 
> Harsh? You bet. Because I think you need to step back and open your eyes to the reality of this situation.


It is the same as her brother's love and loyalty for her, as he remained married as well. It's well documented women are much more forgiving of infidelity than men. 

Actually, I'm shocked either remained. My hamster wheel is already grossed out with incest by proxy, after reading stories on TAM.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

maritalloneliness said:


> He didn't want to go to counseling. I went alone so I could figure out if I wanted to stay in the marriage. The most he did was speak with my pastor


Wrong!!!!!

You are approaching this wrong.

Stop figuring out if you want to stay in the marriage, you need to let the marriage go and see if the wayward wants to stay in the marriage.

You should have the mind set that the marriage is done.....it's up to the wayward to be up to the challenge. The wayward does the heavy lifting. The betrayed has a better chance of not going through this shyt again if the wayward does the heavy lifting to rebuild a better marriage.

If a betrayed has the mind set to "work it out" ...then the betrayed is telling the wayward they will stick around no matter how they are treated.

It's always best to get the wayward to chase the betrayed...what sucks is that always doesn't happen. It's best to push away now then wait and get phucked over again by "working it out' from a betrayed's stance.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

In response to Bandit.45, you think I don't know that! This is the person who has held my heart and soul for the last 19 years and we have two children together. You aren't saying anything that I haven't thought about.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I sought out counseling because I can only control my own actions not his. Im very much aware of my own power in this marriage. If anything, my eyes are very much open that there is no such thing as "till death do we part ". Heck, I can choose to cheat also but it's not going to put things back together. If anything this has taught me is you can't count on anything or anyone and the idea of marriage is far better than the reality.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You said you sought out counseling cuz you wanted to figure out if you wanted to work on the marriage now you say you sought out counseling to find out what you have control over.

So are you going to let your old man go and see if *he works on the M* or is he history?


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I sought out counseling because I was hurt, upset, confused, enraged, disappointed, kept me from committing murder, etc. Discovered I can only control myself and am responsible for my decision so since it's going on 3 years since I found out about the affair I'm committed to working things out. I have access to password of email, phone, routinely calls when he's running late, calls from office phone when working overtime. 
Me- stopped showing him attention, stopped not speaking up for my own needs, stopped calling to see if he's having a good day, stopped feeling guilty when I say no to him, stopped saying I love you if he doesn't say it first, stopped waiting around to make plans to hang out with friends to see if he's available to watch the kids, pursuing hobbies outside of home, hanging out with friends more, realizing my needs, wants and desires are as important as his. Etc...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

maritalloneliness said:


> I sought out counseling because I can only control my own actions not his. Im very much aware of my own power in this marriage. If anything, my eyes are very much open that there is no such thing as "till death do we part ". Heck, I can choose to cheat also but it's not going to put things back together. If anything this has taught me is you can't count on anything or anyone and the idea of marriage is far better than the reality.




Maritalloneliness,

Im not asking these questions to be harsh, but rather to get a better understanding of your situation.
What is your husband doing to make you feel safe?
How long was the affair?
Why did he have an affair?
Is he remorseful?
Why did he not agree to counseling?
How did you find out? 
Did he give you trickle truth?
Do you know the full extent of the affair?
Was the affair exposed?

I'm gathering from your posts that your husband is not making you feel safe. Refusing to go to counseling shows me he is in the camp of, if the marriage makes it fine, and if not then oh well. Your husband should be bending over backwards to ensure you feel safe and all is being done to prevent this from happening again. He's not doing this and therefore you are having difficulties trusting. Is he vulnerable to you so he can build trust with you? That is another huge area that needs to happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Maritallonliness - you sound miserable three years out.

I realize it can take time to break away and start to think about yourself. To figure out what you want, what your needs are, how to put yourself first.

I have been working with my own wife for a few years now doing the same thing. She's a mom, daughter and neice to sick older people (3 have now passed away), wife, employee... But nothing in there for her. In fact very little for me either because "us" involved her and she put herself last. She was very happy but not passionate. No hobbies, no time to close to any other women for decades - only family and work.

So I get that this is a very hard thing. My wife struggles and we have a very strong marriage. I can't imagine going through this without that support.

I bring this up because I want to tell you I understand this takes time. BUT - the marriage shouldn't. If he's not jumping through hoops to bring you back to him he's not worth my morning sh**.

My wife is Catholic so I also get the guilt and pressure(internally) to make the marriage work. What the church doesn't say, though, is that a marriage where one partner is doing the work isn't a marriage at all in Gods eyes and isn't what God demands if you. Instead, millions of people are trying to do permanent chest compressions on a patient that passed on years ago.

Marriage us not a life sentence. Marriage should not be work. You should be able to say "I love you" to your spouse. You should be able to do nice things for him, and leave with a smile on your face on the morning. You should be able to look forward to a text and seeing his face at the end of the day.

I'm sorry but you should keep this perspective, take the time you need for yourself, and find someone to love who will love you back unconditionally.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

maritalloneliness said:


> In response to Bandit.45, you think I don't know that! This is the person who has held my heart and soul for the last 19 years and we have two children together. You aren't saying anything that I haven't thought about.


Good. 

I'm glad to hear that. I think you need to make your husband very aware that he is on a slippery slope and if he does not get his act together, start showing some effort to change himself, then you will walk and take him to the cleaners...literally. He has to do the heavy lifting. You are the prize, not him.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Last night I was able to talk to him about my insecurities about our marriage and he apologize again. He still doesn't want to go to counseling since he can't see how that would help. He just doesn't believe in it. I, however, have sought counseling ever since college for dealing with mother issues. I'm not sure if it's a cultural issue. We're from the same culture but my views are more Americanized since I was educated here and have been in this country since the age of 9. 

I did give him the print out of the betrayed spouse response that someone responded in this thread so he can get a better understanding of my somewhat panic striken roller-coaster feelings. 

The thing is that the trust has been irrevocably broken and it will never given blindly as before the affair. At least, that's how I'm feeling now. I don't know if there will ever be that sense of belonging, acceptance or rightness that I had before knowing of the betrayal. My marriage right now feels like hard work. 

I've asked him "why" and his response was that he was stupid and that it started as a way for him to vent about his frustrations that he was having and he didn't feel that he could have talked to me because I could easily cry and he didn't want to deal with my tears. According to him, it became easier to talk to her than me and it snowball into a sexual relationship. He expressed remorse and desire to give me any reassurances I need.
Sorry, this is so long.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

maritalloneliness said:


> I've asked him "why" and his response was that he was stupid and that it started as a way for him to vent about his frustrations that he was having and he didn't feel that he could have talked to me because I could easily cry and he didn't want to deal with my tears. According to him, it became easier to talk to her than me and it snowball into a sexual relationship. He expressed remorse and desire to give me any reassurances I need.
> Sorry, this is so long.


Oh isn't that cute, he didn't want to make you cry and would have to deal with you. His frustrations made him not talk to you? Yet talking and sex made it easier to talk to her? He said this crap after 3 years of reconciliation? WOW what a load of crap. If he was truly sorry, he wouldn't have put anything at your feet. Counseling would be an Ultimatum as he is still blame shifting. This isn't some random woman, it is your Brother's wife. Not excusing any affair, but tears vs. an affair with a family member through marriage? No way.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He doesn't get to choose. Tell him he either goes to counseling and figures out why he has such crap boundaries or you file. That's it. That is your requirement. He either wants to meet you halfway or he hits the pavement. Stand up for yourself!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Doesn't matter if he believes in counseling or not. He should be willing to go for you. He does not have to participate and probably won't at first. But you being able to convey how you feel about the affair in a safe environment without him interrupting or dismissing your feelings will help you and possibly him as well.


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## afbuccdkeyfogu (Jun 10, 2017)

sounds like game of thrones


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