# 3 BK's, and counting? What to do?



## johnnyeprom (Sep 27, 2010)

I hope that I can get some advice.

I've been married for 20 years and I have some issues with my wife, particularly in regards to money and our financial state.

Some background:

Her: An ex-professional that has been on disability for the last few years. Seems she may be depressed, although she says not. Loves her hobbies and quality material things. Form the start of our marriage, she has been the sole money manager of our family.

Me: Starting my "2nd phase" career and doing pretty good. Have a full time job and hold down various side jobs. We’re both in our late 40’s.

The problem is that my wife has always spent money, even in bad times, and more in good times. as a result, we are looking at a 3rd (yes 3rd) bankruptcy. During all this (the better part of 20 years), I have restrained from spending (or doing) anything I want in an effort to “save money”. She gives me an allowance for lunch and if I’m good about it, I may have a few buck ($10-$20/month) to spend on myself while she has been able to spend at times hundreds on her stuff. 

Lately we have had to resort to selling stuff (mostly mine) on ebay to make ends meet. After a long heart to heart as to how tired I am of this situation, we came up with a budget together and agreed that with the money from the auctions, we would pay down credit cards and other bills to reduce or monthly bills but after the auction we weren't much better off as most bills did not get paid, even though we did better that expected in auction sales. After reviewing our accounts, I discovered an account that I did not recognize with substantial transfers from our home account. When I asked her for details of this account, my wife was hesitant and resisted disclosing the account details. Finally after much prodding, she gave me a printout and I found hundreds of dollars of purchases for her. 

Our marriage has been rocky lately but this latest issue has, for the first time in 20 years, made me seriously consider leaving this marriage.

My question is: I’m I crazy? Should I stay? Should I work it out?

I don't want to leave. This is a woman and I have been with through thick and thin and we have 2 grown children and still love her. Yet, I feel I have been conditioned to this “lifestyle”. Working 2 jobs, making a good professional wage, and still having to spend my weekends selling on ebay is killing me, physically and emotionally. The total lack of a sex life is not helping either.

Has anybody out there but through this, and stayed together? Is there hope?

Thanks very much for your time.

John


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

John,

It's handy to characterize this as primarily her problem, but in truth, you share some, too. Managing the family finances is the responsibility of both. She proved three times already that she's incapable of managing the money. Why is she still in charge of it? 
I'm going to guess it's because she'll pitch a hissy and you'll catch a ration of drama if you try to take financial control. Too bad, that's what's required. Sure, she overspent, but you deliberately turned a blind eye to something you knew was a problem for a long time. 
If you open a separate checking account in my name alone. That's where my paycheck would go. I would keep the joint account but deposit only whatever spending money she needs. I would immediately get credit bureau reports on myself and my wife from all three major bureaus. I would confiscate and cut up any credit cards she has remaining. I would put credit alerts on my identification and I would assume complete control of the family's money (minus the allowance you give her for spending cash). 
We would both begin going to Financial Peace or similar money management counseling. Spending can be an addiction just like gambling or alcohol. Help is available. You need some counseling to help you figure out why you avoid dealing with unpleasant but necessary tasks. 
People only do to us that which we allow and you have allowed this to happen three times. That's not just a "her" problem but a "you" problem, too. If you developed a gambling addiction, would you expect her to help you through it? What if you had a car crash and ended up addicted to pain killers? Bad things happen but this couldn't have happened again without your persistently passive compliance. SHE gives YOU an allowance? See something wrong with that picture? You're restrained from saving money?? How? Are ropes and handcuffs involved? You have the freedom to come an go because you work a number of jobs outside the home. The only restraint she possible has on you is that which you gave her. she's disabled, so the only money she has any control over is her disability income. You decide where the money you earned goes. If it ends up in her hands to dole out, it's because you put it there.
If you take all that control (and temptation) away from her tomorrow, the world will still turn. You don't like being bitten three times? She's only using teeth you gave her and it's always been in your power to render her toothless. 
I had a control freak for a wife who consistently overspent for years. I did exactly as I suggested to you and you know what happened? Not a damned thing. I took back control of my finances and she didn't die. When I took back the checkbook, most of the other forms of control she thought she had over me was gone, too.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I really can't add to what unbelievable has said. It's dead on target. Close the "joint" account, open a personal account with your name on it only, and cut up all credit cards. If she wants spending money, she has to earn it just like anyone else. All of your paycheck goes to bills, and start living on cash. If you can not buy it with cash, that means you can not afford it now, and if she has a hissy fit, that's her problem. 

Also could not agree more that to a very slim part of the issue is that prior to this you had two other bankruptcies and yet allowed the person who put you there continue to manage the money. No more. She is an adult and she made the choice to overspend on numerous, numerous occasions so this is part of the cost of the choices she made. The well is dry and she has to earn it if she wants to spend it. YOUR money goes to the house, the family, and the bills only. Period. 

Yep she may spin out of control, but just let her. She won't die and neither will you.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

johnnyeprom

I don't want to hurt you, but I think the advice UNBELIEVABLE gave is great. If she doesn't know how to manage money, don't give her a penny. 

Be a STRONG MAN. Don't let her ruin your life. She has done enough to push you away from her. If you leave, she is going to lose everything. If you stay and manage your money, she still has an OK life. 

Some women are just vain. She puts on an expensive dress, everybody tells her how beautiful she looks on it, she feels great. She carries an expensive purse, other women look at her with envious expression, she feels wonderful. It is all vanity. People don't care you are beautiful or not, people won't respect you more just because you have an LV. It is all in her mind. But people do laugh at her for being stupid. 

There are a lot of women like that. There are a lot of men like that, too. sigh.........................................


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If she gets angry, just let her cry! 
If she complains, just let her whine! 
If she doesn't behave, just walk away!!!

And please don't give her any opportunities to have a credit card or anyways to borrow money!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. And tell her if she wants more than you give her, find a job.


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