# Really irritated with You Men... Can you Explain?



## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 14
Really irritated with Men...
I am currently separated from my husband and have lots of time to read posts on this forum and look for advice. I can't help but read and notice over and over the men admitting how they neglected their wives, should of done more, didn't listen to them or make them feel special..etc. etc... I am going through the same thing with my husband.

I want to have sex with him, spend time with him, could care less about other men. But this is changing because I feel so rejected and alone with him I am starting to imagine my life without him and moving on. Why can't husbands just LOVE THEIR WIVES?? I understand their are some women who run off and have affairs because they are just horrible hags. But most of us just want our own husbands to love and cherish us and life would be great. Why does it often seem to take a near implosion of the relationship or an EA or PA to knock sense into them? WHere is this lack of insight and inability to connect and love coming from?? 

Im probably gonna take a load of lumber for this post .. asking, what am I not doing or doing to contribute to the failing of this relationship. Hmm in my case.. ? I am nice, smart, love sex, can cook, contribute to the finances, very attractive by most standards. The irony, is the men I am NOT married to, whose attention I DONT want are all over me - in my job Im in sales. But my OWN husband wont call me when I am gone, doesn't check to see if I made it safely, ignores special holidays prefers to lay on the couch and watch HomeLand till 2 am then go to bed with me and cuddle or talk or more... 

What the H is wrong with men?? Insight would be lovely or go ahead and give it to me about how wrong I am or male bashing. But the vast majority of posts on this forum all seem to stem from some version of Man neglecting wife.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you two been married?
How old are you?
Do you have children?

Well not every man ignores his wife and plenty of women ignore their husbands.

I think that the question is more... Why do some people (men/women) ignore and be dismissive to their spouse?

How many hours a week do you and your husband spend doing things together that both of you enjoy, just the two of you?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters"?


----------



## damionco (May 13, 2013)

Few things, and this is just my experience. 

First, I never had a role model for how to be married. My dad is still married to my mom, but I never saw any affection between the two of them. I think this happens to a lot of men. We are taught to be strong, non-emotional beings, but this comes at a price. 

Second, ego was a big issue for me. My ex wife used to say things to me that she didnt think meant that much, but cut me to the bone. It made me feel like less of a man and affected how I saw her. It made me not want to be around her or spend time with her. I loved her, but didnt really like her at the end. 

Third, some men are just that way. The chase is more important than the catch. I am only speaking here from seeing others. My wife was my one and only partner ever, but some men just look for the next conquest as it were. 

Fourth, sometimes there is an issue with women being too good, too pretty, too successful. Believe it or not, men have very frail egos. WE are supposed to provide, WE are supposed to take care of our family. Sexist, I know, but that is the way some of us think. I feel victim to a lot of this. 

I know that there are more reasons, but this is what I could come up with right now.


----------



## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Hi Elle
Married 1 year. 
2nd marriage for both
Me 42 
Him 43
No kids at home.. all grown up. 

I am completely generalizing in this post I know... But honestly it seems to be the case a vast majority. How many of the wives ost they are are having EA AFTER trying to get the attention and love of their husbands. ?


----------



## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

D -thank you for some insight. I appreciate your candid response. 

Elle - I have read those, and been to all the marriage websites you can imagine. But HE hasn't! He seems powerless to make changes. Ds post gave me some possible insight too.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Most of us have no good model for how have a good marriage. It has to be learned. We'd all do a lot better if it was taught in high school, or maybe even jr high.

Was your relationship long distance before you married?


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Maybe its your choice in men. 
All you see on this site is men treating women poorly? That's not what I see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

RIchie... No thats not what I am saying. I see alot of men posting about how they lost their wives and NOW they understand all the things they should have been doing. There are many many positive posts about other things as well, and plenty of men who are being neglected by their wives.


----------



## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Ele, 
Yes knew each other in High school 25 years ago and reconnected on facebook. We were from the same town and much of our early relationship was long distance 5 hours until we moved to the same town after getting married and getting new jobs. Both have been divorced for a long time.


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Man, I thought I was the most terrific husband EVER!! I always attended to her needs...always got her opinions. Gave great gifts, not just flowers and candy crap, but employed lots of creative thinking...remembering things that she asked for months ago. I used to do things for her all the time...putting things aside to make her feel like she was priority #1. When she had tough times, I would do whatever I could to ease her pain and come up with solutions and plans of action. I would walk to work when we had one car so she could drive. I worked two jobs...even three at one time because times were thin. And even when she gained hella weight, I never criticized her or shamed her...or when she didn't want to have sex for months on end because of past hurts, I never guilted her or forced her. When she screwed up I forgave. I never talked about her negatively to co-workers...never chased females, or ogled at them. I was as honorable and loyal as they get!!!

And yet, she despised me. Told me, "You don't get it; you'll never get it." Made me fell like I was the dumbest box of rocks when it came to relationships, that I embarrassed her to be with me. And I'm a fairly good-looking guy...and not nearly as overweight as she was. She spent money like there was no tomorrow...landing us in major debt. Was rude to all my friends so that they didn't want to come around any more...complained about nearly everything...just angry, hostile, and mad at God for her miserable life.

Then these last few years, she starts asking me to be more dominating in bed. And i suck at it, because all these years she has instilled this thought in me that I was never going to get it, never going to make her happy...and that i was failing her. And of course to top it off, she chooses to have emotional affairs...the entire time I fought and struggled to provide and share...she secretly flirted with OM, had cybersex chats with OM. Now she filed for divorce...and you know what...I am RELIEVED.

Now I am sure that I have a lot to answer for in terms of being a spineless doormat...that is my walk of humility to accept responsibility for. But I think there has to be a line drawn somewhere. We blame each other for not making us happy...for causing us to lose love. But I have leaned recently that love is something we choose...we are responsible for our choices and decisions. And sure, a husband can be held responsible for he lacks, but before the stone is cast, such as "He doesn't get it" a wife better make damn sure that she told him in the way that he can understand instead of feeling justified to jump ship. That decision should have been made at the marriage ceremony...that INFIDELITY and DIVORCE are no-go's, buried in the ground. 
At the same time, us guys need to wake the F up...knowing that we don't live in a passive world, that passivity is not going to protect our family...that our wives are inundated with creeps and snakes with smooth voices...and that when we don't lead, protect, and take some damn initiative...we could lose the very thing we cherish most. And that is because we assume.
I guess this thread triggered some of my issues...sorry didn't want to hijack here.


----------



## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

ToothFairy said:


> I am currently separated from my husband and have lots of time to read posts on this forum and look for advice.


So, since the separation has he started showing more affection and attention toward you?

T


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Makes two of us , apart from some female friends here at TAM and a few in life , I'm fed up with women these days.
They're 75% of divorces so what I'm seeing isn't in my head.
To me they seem weak these days yet claim to be so strong . They seem extremely selfish me me me , and very, very unrealistic.
I mean who's gonna go into a marriage and expect a constant sky fall in sex life for 60yrs , ain't gonna happen.
Or to go through the battles of life , getting established , a home , long hours, stress for years on end doing it all , and yet , complain because it's not all roses at the end of all that , but they do.
Or to wanna be comfortable , not work , have everything , yet not understand the costs of long hours, the stress , the ladder climb hubby goes through to get it all - then start moaning and complaining that his never home, always tired, coping with kids , no personal time either with you and or alone. But oh , the skies not all starry any more , personally I think it's all pretty pathetic myself.

And then there's the things a women does and goes through with having and raising kids , sharing well , if he's lucky , all the worries and stresses too and , she might also be working part or full time.
And how is she actually looking now , does she keep trim , look after herself? Does she nag him till the cows come home ? Has life been nothing but kids , money , work , worries for 2oyrs.
How personal is she ? How much time does she set aside for him , is she affectionate , still caring , sexy , does she still treat him the same? Or is she all rush rush rush , work till 5, kids till 10, phones calls , bills , nag nag till 11 - oh our sex life's shot ! Oh he doesn't talk much now , oh he shows no interest , affection, never wants us time.

See , it goes on and on and on , but guys do realize this and usually expect it's toll until much later in life and there's time again but women don't seem too. And yeah it's often him too , I know , but speaking from a guys point of view , any or all of this stuff is really really common , on one side or both. 
Us , we were far from normal. Our life , everything we'd done , lived , us , yet I still saw this stuff in the end and it's for me what made me not want to anything and drift apart.
And since separating and talking to tons of people, reading , just seeing whats going on around you , everything . Some or all of this seems to be the norm, on both sides or at least one.

Now I'll be the one getting lumbered but ah well wouldn't be the first time 

PS . There's cause and effects from both sides , think that's what I'm trying to explain here. Stuff causes stuff !


----------



## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

ToothFairy said:


> J
> 
> What the H is wrong with men?? Insight would be lovely or go ahead and give it to me about how wrong I am or male bashing. But the vast majority of posts on this forum all seem to stem from some version of Man neglecting wife.


Haven't you heard the saying "Behind every beautiful woman is a man that was tired of putting up with her"? 

My advice to you and some of the other ladies from the lounge is to stop posting and reading this site with your feelings/issues as the basis of your understanding and commenting. Also, This section used to have a lot of discussion between men about issues they have in relationships. The dynamic has changed and the Men's clubhouse has become a dumping ground for ladies to post questions to men or discuss porn usage. The best posters that I was able to learn from don't post anymore because so many comments coming from a male point of view are sure to bring over visitors whose mission appears to turn threads into a war of the sexes even it means inserting totally irrelevant commentary. 

I don't see any real advice your asking for. Your title and the comment above tell me that this is a vent thread and you're ready to go toe to toe with the men here in another round of man vs woman.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> Now I am sure that I have a lot to answer for in terms of being a spineless doormat...that is my walk of humility to accept responsibility for. * But I think there has to be a line drawn somewhere. We blame each other for not making us happy...for causing us to lose love. But I have leaned recently that love is something we choose...we are responsible for our choices and decisions. And sure, a husband can be held responsible for he lacks, but before the stone is cast, such as "He doesn't get it" a wife better make damn sure that she told him in the way that he can understand instead of feeling justified to jump ship. That decision should have been made at the marriage ceremony...that INFIDELITY and DIVORCE are no-go's, buried in the ground.
> At the same time, us guys need to wake the F up...knowing that we don't live in a passive world, that passivity is not going to protect our family...that our wives are inundated with creeps and snakes with smooth voices...and that when we don't lead, protect, and take some damn initiative...we could lose the very thing we cherish most. And that is because we assume.*
> I guess this thread triggered some of my issues...sorry didn't want to hijack here.


:iagree:
Quoted For Truth, especially the part underlined.
There are some things in life that just _fascinate_ me. 

I'm glad that at least one man " _gets it _"


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

ToothFairy said:


> Join Date: May 2013
> Posts: 14
> Really irritated with Men...
> I am currently separated from my husband and have lots of time to read posts on this forum and look for advice. I can't help but read and notice over and over the men admitting how they neglected their wives, should of done more, didn't listen to them or make them feel special..etc. etc... I am going through the same thing with my husband.
> ...


Either you pick the wrong men, or
(More likely) you are so messed up that you blame everyone for your issues.

All of your clients might be all over you because OUTSIDE you can be smart and good looking. But only your husband knows what you are really like.

Well, sorry if I insulted you but this is how I see it!


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

ToothFairy said:


> I can't help but read and notice over and over the men admitting how they neglected their wives, should of done more, didn't listen to them or make them feel special..etc. etc... I am going through the same thing with my husband.


Some women are bottomless pits of need. You could quit work, spend 24hours a day catering to them and it wouldn't be enough.

Yet when the marriage fails, you are alone. So you wonder, could you have done more? So, even when men admit they should have done more. In lots of those cases, it wouldn't have been enough anyway.

It's not always the man that's the problem. Both sexes are equally flawed.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ToothFairy said:


> Ele,
> Yes knew each other in High school 25 years ago and reconnected on facebook. We were from the same town and much of our early relationship was long distance 5 hours until we moved to the same town after getting married and getting new jobs. Both have been divorced for a long time.


 How often did you see each other before marrying? I find its easier to pull off a great connection when you don't live near someone. Now unfortunately you are seeing who he really is not the man you knew from 25 years ago.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

ToothFairy said:


> Join Date: May 2013
> Posts: 14
> Really irritated with Men...
> I am currently separated from my husband and have lots of time to read posts on this forum and look for advice. I can't help but read and notice over and over the men admitting how they neglected their wives, should of done more, didn't listen to them or make them feel special..etc. etc... I am going through the same thing with my husband.
> ...


I haven’t read any responses so I can give you my full $0.02 without being swayed.

First, it is human nature (especially for men) to take people for granted. Why? Because we don’t require the type of nurturing women do. As such, we don’t think women do either. 

Second, men are pigs. Period. We’re more selfish (generally) and less giving. We want it when we want it and why we want it. And oh yeah, we when we want it, we want it right friggin’ now.

But there is hope.

Men are trainable at times. Granted we often forget our training, but that’s OK as we can be retrained as well. Sadly, it’s up to our wives to do this. Think of it as reprogramming. 

OK, smart guy, how?

Develop a list of what your guy really wants/needs. Everything from swallowing oral sex to food to sports to whatever. Provide it with a string attached. One that he really doesn’t see. The string is, ‘what’s good for you is good for me’. You might cook his favorite meals for him if he will spend some time talking with you cuddled up on the couch. Otherwise, he gets quiche. Ew! Get sexy with him. My wife knows it turns me on when she wears thin shirts without bras. She doesn’t like to, but when she does, she flaunts it a little and gets some extra attention from me [wink, wink]. Make it a point to hold his hand at the store. Take an interest in a sporting event or team. My wife doesn’t know a baseball from a football but offers to take me to a few sporting events each year. All she asks is I go to somewhere with her I don’t want to go. 

Yeah, it sucks you have to do all the heavy lifting, but after a while he may do a bit himself as men get guilty sometimes. 

One final thought, and I saved this for last.

I’m old enough and wise enough to know it takes two to wreck a marriage. So my final advice is to look in the mirror and ask yourself what you have done to bring this all about as well and make some changes. Even if he never really does, you keep your self respect and don’t live life blaming others for your unhappiness.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Quote:"What the H is wrong with men?? Insight would be lovely or go ahead and give it to me about how wrong I am or male bashing. But the vast majority of posts on this forum all seem to stem from some version of Man neglecting wife."
> 
> -----------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> ...


Excellent insight. Awesome post.


----------



## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

ToothFairy said:


> What the H is wrong with men?? Insight would be lovely or go ahead and give it to me about how wrong I am or male bashing. But the vast majority of posts on this forum all seem to stem from some version of Man neglecting wife.


I think your experience is coloring your perception here; this site is crowded with posts of good men who have done nothing but love their wives and gotten mistreated as a result. It isn't a gender issue. People period are wicked and lazy, not specifically men (or women).

In your husband's case, he sounds incredibly comfortable in his routine. Again, happens to both genders. If you have given him a very firm shot across his bow and he doesn't get it .... well, move on, I would say. Life is to short to be with someone who you feel ignores your needs and won't change, regardless of how much you express it. It doesn't make them wrong or you right, just wrong for each other.

For the future? I think people really do let you know who they are without trying to. If you can look at potential partners after peeling back that romantic layers (which I admit is tough) you'll be more objective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

toothfairy,
You remind me of me. 

In the past year, I decided it was important for me to just let people be themselves, because I decided I wanted to just be myself.

That led to really deciding who I was, who I wanted to be, and I constantly look at my own behavior for my answers. 

And that led to just accepting people. 
I found myself overwhelmed with gratitude.
All around me, people were giving me love.
Except it didn't look like the love I was asking for. 

I gave up searching for the perfect match to me, but that was really disguised as my clone. Because only a clone would do exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it. 
Where's the challenge in that? LOL

It is an eyeopener to come to a forum like this and see that men and women don't always see things the same way. But then we are billions of unique people, just struggling to understand ourselves. I learned a lot about men. And that I am an ego crusher. Which is a huge problem. I'm working on it. I understand it better now. 
If someone is doing their best, I give them my utmost support.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ToothFairy said:


> RIchie... No thats not what I am saying. I see alot of men posting about how they lost their wives and NOW they understand all the things they should have been doing. There are many many positive posts about other things as well, and plenty of men who are being neglected by their wives.


Generally speaking, women give more attention because they need more attention ... it is higher on their "priority list". Men give less attention because they need less attention. People start focusing in on themselves and their needs and forget what the other person really needs. Then the wake-up call happens, either in marital problems, an EA/PA, separation, divorce. That's my theory anyway.

I also think that men are always going to say that when evaluating what went wrong in a relationship, no matter if they neglected their wife or not. Their first inclination is going to be ... maybe I didn't pay enough attention to her, romance her enough, etc. ... didn't do enough of something and because of that, she went to find it somewhere else.


----------



## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Its not just whats wrong with men, women do the same terrible things to their husbands that husbands can do to their wives. I guess the real issue is whats wrong with people in general? 

Why does a spouse decide their job, friends, children, tv, video games, hobbies, etc... are more important than their marriage? 

why would someone say they are willing to do anything to save their marriage and they to make it work, but then refuse to go to MC, to talk openly or in general put any effort into the marriage?


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think that men and women fail to see what they are doing wrong at the time... It's only when things fall apart do the look back and realize what they did wrong.

For example, most men think that by providing a good income, a nice house, kids etc.... That is what their wife wants... When their wife starts cheating, stops having sex, or is otherwise unahppy is when they figure out that their wife needs something else.

But in general, this question applies to women and men... Women need to love their husbands in the way that is important to the man, and men need to love their wife in the way that is important to the woman.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

ToothFairy said:


> Join Date: May 2013
> Posts: 14
> Really irritated with Men...
> I am currently separated from my husband and have lots of time to read posts on this forum and look for advice. I can't help but read and notice over and over the men admitting how they neglected their wives, should of done more, didn't listen to them or make them feel special..etc. etc... I am going through the same thing with my husband.
> ...


I recall during my now ex saying to me when we were too far along in the divorce process, "I see now that you thought you were showing love by going to work, climbing the proverbial corporate ladder, cutting the grass, fixing the house, handling the finances etc....all I wanted was for you to tell me." 

Although I haven't read it I have to think there is validity in the book about love languages. Sad really when something good falls apart simply because two people aren't operating from the same frame of reference.


----------



## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

ToothFairy said:


> Join Date: May 2013
> Posts: 14
> Really irritated with Men...
> I am currently separated from my husband and have lots of time to read posts on this forum and look for advice. I can't help but read and notice over and over the men admitting how they neglected their wives, should of done more, didn't listen to them or make them feel special..etc. etc... I am going through the same thing with my husband.
> ...


What was your courtship like?

How long did you date?


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

ToothFairy...do you want to make your marriage work, or not?

Let's say if nothing changed from the way it is now, are you going to divorce him?

I think you need to just decide that, and focus on that. At the turning point you are at, there is nothing to gain by wondering "why men are the way they are". Instead you should be asking yourself, "what do I plan to do with MY life".


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

OP did you have an emotional and/or physical affair and this is your way of venting because your husband's lack of attention "made" you do it?


----------



## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Everybody...thank you for all the posts. Even the questions that I must ask myself that don't feel great. I apologize for highjacking the mens club house if that is what I indeed did. I am very new this to site and dont understand the rules and ways yet. I will end my post here after this. 

I DO want to save my marriage more than anything. I love him very much and do NOT want to divorce or look for someone else. I was single for 10 years with opportunities to get engaged , get married , etc... I could do what I want. I got married because I really fell in love with my H and thought it was providential. He admits to having difficulty with intimacy and connection due to his childhood. I just thought that we were both in a place choosing to get married in our 40s for a second time that BOTH of were poised to really put everything in it and love "do it right". 

I feel like maybe he is giving me the 180 right now as he is not calling or texting after he said he would. Oh well.. I am going to just live my life and enjoy my family. I can't control what he chooses to do or not do. I am not "messed up" for any who are wondering. I love my H a ton and I loved him in action and deed - but I am also not a doormat and expect the be loved in action by him. Love without action is just a word.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

ToothFairy said:


> I was single for 10 years with opportunities to get engaged , get married , etc... I could do what I want. I got married because I really fell in love with my H and thought it was providential. He admits to having difficulty with intimacy and connection due to his childhood. I just thought that we were both in a place choosing to get married in our 40s for a second time that BOTH of were poised to really put everything in it and love "do it right".


This is nearly zero pertinent information, apart from his childhood.

We have no idea if he was attentive during courtship and something changed afterwards, or if you married him as he is.

Misplacing your anger on "men" is wrong-headed for its lack of zeroing in on what the problems actually are, which come down to individuals and the choices they make, not a faceless mass of gender who have nothing to do with your marriage.

Be more specific about your courtship, how the marriage played out, how you two communicated, how the separation happened, whether you are both amenable to counseling, etc.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I don't think you are messed up, I don't know you. But it's possible your husband is a bit messed up  who wouldn't be.... 

Don't apologize for posting. You are only sharing where you are at. It is gender generalizations that are kinda forumish rules. We all think these things from time to time, just so you know.

yes, actions without words is just words.


----------



## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> This is nearly zero pertinent information, apart from his childhood.
> 
> We have no idea if he was attentive during courtship and something changed afterwards, or if you married him as he is.
> 
> ...


You CAN post sane replies! Woohoo, the world ain't so gray any more.

Just a little teasing.
/threadjack off


----------



## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Okay... someone said I may not be ready to go toe to toe..  I think you are right! This was a venting thread and probably not in the right place.. like I said I am learning the "rules" here.. Thank you for every comment here though. Each one gave me something to consider...


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ToothFairy said:


> Okay... someone said I may not be ready to go toe to toe..  I think you are right! This was a venting thread and probably not in the right place.. like I said I am learning the "rules" here.. Thank you for every comment here though. Each one gave me something to consider...


No need to apologize.
And yes , you posted in the correct section.
But if you want answers to your problem, you may need to give more information. There are men as well as women on this therad who are or may have experienced the same as you.

But they would only be able to help if you give more information.


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Well *Carribean Man* there's one thing you definitely got on me: more tact.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

And...he lives in paradise. Just sayin'.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

We men?
What the hell is wrong with us?

This one man right here just facepalmed...

WOMEN -.-


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

All men are not your husband. I'm sorry you're going through a bad time, but spewing negativity about an entire gender is insulting on a forum where there are many many good men who love and pay attention to their wives.

There's lots of help here if you ask the right questions in the right way.


----------



## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

Acoa said:


> Some women are bottomless pits of need.


Not saying this is the case with OP here, but I've seen this with some women.

The need for constant validation, nothing is ever good enough, etc. The last gf I had, if I wasn't telling her I loved her 5 times a week, or I was tired and had to take a nap(her taking it to mean I didn't want to spend time with her), I was grilled about not caring about her. No matter what I did, no matter how much affection I showered her with, it wasn't enough.

Again, not saying this is the OP's case, but would be nice to have her ask her husband "why", and see if he gives an honest answer.


----------



## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

ToothFairy said:


> Everybody...thank you for all the posts. Even the questions that I must ask myself that don't feel great. I apologize for highjacking the mens club house if that is what I indeed did. I am very new this to site and dont understand the rules and ways yet. I will end my post here after this.
> 
> I DO want to save my marriage more than anything. I love him very much and do NOT want to divorce or look for someone else.


Then explain to him how you feel, and if there is no satisfactory response from him, because he may be scared to say how he really feels to just you, then both of you go to MC.

That way you can say how you are feeling and he may then feel free to say whats on his mind with a moderator present.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ToothFairy,

Can you give us more info? 

How many hours a week did the two of you spend doing things together that the both of you enjoy?

If you spent less than 15 hours a week doing this, why?

How often did your husband want to have sex and about how often did you have sex?


What are the things you discussed, or tried to discuss, with him about your relationship? What things did you do to try to improve things? What did topics did he bring up and what things did he do to try to improve things?


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Venting is fine. No worries.

But if you want FEEDBACK, you are going to have to provide some additional information. Otherwise people speculate or project. Oh hell ... they do that anyway.

Whether or not your relationship started as an affair is relevant insofar as determining where he was at emotionally. Affairs are like emotional mirages. They tend to vanish the more closely you look at them. 

How long was your courtship? 

Was there a drastic change from his relating to you emotionally, to his withdrawal?

I certainly can understand the whole 'wanting to get it right the second time around' aspect.

As for MEN;

The really good ones are hard to come by. The expectations these days that a man is confident, independent, successful, intelligent, humorous, physically fit, self-actualized, emotionally intelligent, compassionate, romantic, loving, understanding, a good communicator, an excellent listener, provider, father, lover ... etc. ...
is a pretty tall order.

But there are plenty who meet the tall order. And they do so for themselves ... not for the love of a woman. Not because it is what their woman demands, because it is what they demand of themselves.

Those are very high value men. And we know it ...

I suggest the same for women.

If your partner doesn't see it, doesn't care, or doesn't respect it, then they aren't a partner worthy of ... you.

You want a good partner? Then practice being a good partner. And if that isn't working, move on.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Perhaps if you put a dollar under his pillow...


----------



## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> No need to apologize.
> And yes , you posted in the correct section.
> But if you want answers to your problem, you may need to give more information. There are men as well as women on this therad who are or may have experienced the same as you.
> 
> But they would only be able to help if you give more information.


I totally agree! Keep posting. If some don't like it they don't have to read it.

I am very blessed that I have a marriage in which both of us work hard to understand and meet the needs of each other. Remember the "Mars Venus" books? It is true that we need to learn to speak each others language. 

I am a guy who often also gets frustrated with other men in relationships that I see. But both people must be willing to work on their own crap, and learn how to behave differently. We got married at 16 and 17 and it wasn't until year 30 or so that I really felt like we had finally gotten it. We had not arrived...we never will, but we finally had peace and harmony most of the time along with the intimacy and sex that I craved.

Would he go to counseling? How about reading a book together? PM me if I can help.


----------

