# Stepped on, looking for direction



## DogTiredNow (Jan 28, 2011)

I'm not a user of publics forums but reading some of the posts here, I find myself looking for direction and advice as others have.

A twelve year marriage seems to be at its very end. No love, intimacy and little respect remain. More like resentment. 
I, being the husband do not share these things with anybody but my wife is well aware of how I feel. She has shut me out of every aspect of a partnership.

I would understand if I had cheated, had addictions, was abusive or something along those lines. Not being perfect, I do feel like I have pulled more than my share in the marriage.

All was "okay" until 3 years into the marriage, I was injured at work. For the next 3 years, I pulled myself along without much support from my wife. Of over 100 dcotors visits and procedures, she attended one. She basically told me that being injured was my problem. I went from crawling on my hands and knees, unable to ambulate, to fighting the system for a release to return to work. The fight was long and took a toll on my emotions. Even though I was written off by every specialist, I returned to work. I was no longer marketable as upper management in the field I had been in prior, I struck out in another direction. Within 3 months in a new field, I made manager. Moved on to a better job, better pay, better position, all by myself. During this time, I was the sole adult "worker" regarding household chores. From laundry, dishes and all other chores at home, all were done by me and have been during our marriage. Add on 50-60 work week, taking care of a sizeable farm, kids and other things, I still found time to let my wife know I loved her. 
At one point, I sought councel with our pastor. He was overwhelmed with the aspects of our union and not helpful at all. He spoke with us in private on many occasions to no evail.

After a few years with the job mentioned above, I was terminated due to not being truthful about my physical condition. I was working without release from the state and doctors. This infuriated my wife. I was quickly hired by another company but that lasted until a year ago when the company was foreclosed on. Since then, I have worked from home. Even at an increased rate of pay, I am worthless in her eyes. 

I have a son (previous marriage that I've had sole custody of since he was 18 months old)about to graduate hs and he resents the fact that I have put up with this as long as I have. He sees that my wife is cold as ice. Even with her own daughters from a previous marriage, they see something isn't quite right with thier mom. 

I just don't know. I've overcome many things. I'm not a wimp but I have bent over double backwards trying to make this work. I have carried more than my share of weight. Even though she is in the top of her profession and makes much more than I, I still carry most of the weight regarding household bills. My hobbies and outlets ended due to this but hers has expanded by the greatest of margins. I buy nothing for myself. 

The last I tried to speak to her about this last week (it's rare that I bring up the subject), she resorted to not speaking to me for the last 8 days. No hello, goodbye, nothing. I know she is faithful but that's all there is. If you ask her, she says she does not want a divorce but why is she making my life a miserable and painful ordeal? 
Oh, and she had a historectomy last year. And yes, I was there for every doctor visit prior, never left the hospital during and waited on her hand and foot during recovery at home. She wanted/needed for nothing during her recovery. But if I even mention that I woke up not feeling my leg or that I am in pain due to my injury, she gets cold. And no, I rarely mention what ails me due to her response.

I know I rambled and wrote in a scattered matter but I just needed to get it out. I tell nobody, so it just came out as the emotions of reliving it hit me. My apologies.

At this point, I am ready to let her have everything just to get out. I feel that the last 12 years have been a complete waste and that I need to start living again. I once had friends all over the world. I was recognized by everyone when I strayed into town and would like to think that everybody had a favorable opinion of me. But for the last 4 years, I have not had face to face contact with any of my friends. My problems have isolated me to the point of being ashamed at what I've become.

Any direction? Any thoughts?


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

Hi DogTiredNow,

I came to this forum today looking for some advice and help. I registered with intent to ask for it, but your post caught my eye, and more importantly the lack of any responses.

First, I want to tell you that I’ve also been married over 10 years and during the course of our marriage we saw many ups and downs, including illness and unemployment. Not once, ever during that time do I feel that either of us didn’t do our part to meet those challenges.

Based on what you wrote here, I think you’ve taken horrible advantage of. You’re first clue should have been her attitude to your injury. That is unacceptable. The fact that it appears you’ve been the sole provider in this relationship implies that your wife is not contributing to your marriage but instead taking whatever she can and giving nothing in return.

Please take care of yourself now, you’ve been taking care of someone who appears to be very ungrateful for far too long.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Your situation sounds hideous. And you wife sounds self-centered and cold. What do you want from your life? It does not seem she is adding anything useful and as a result is making it more difficult. 

You sound like a man with deep reservoirs of strength. Surely you know you don't NEED her, but do you WANT her? If so, why?

Maybe a good place to start is to figure out where you want to be in 10 years and move backwards from there to current. Break it down and see if she fits in. Or ask her if she wants to. 

You have needs that are not being met. Does she? Have you ever discussed it? Is she willing to discuss it? Have you considered counseling?


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

The treatment you have received by you wife when you were down and out is unforgivable. No one should be treated like that when they are physically hurt. What I don't understand is why your wife has not left. She seems to be independent and has the financial means to support herself. 

Take care of yourself and all your children, including hers. Its time to put energy into finding your own happiness. Look after your health and look up some of your good friends you have not been in contact with. 

Life is short and there is happiness out there for you. Go find it.


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