# Did my ex marry a b?



## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

So, we broke up today.
His ex said that if he does not dump me, she will take their kid from him.

She knows Nothing about me, family, education, etc and refuses to talk to me.

I even offered to pay her child support and alimony for the next year, from my pocket.

She treats him like a babysitter, insults him in front of their son and that’s sick. 
I’m so mad.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

From what you've told us, yes, it sounds like he did marry a b. My husband certainly did the first time around. I asked him one day "What were you thinking?!?" His response was "Darling, clearly I wasn't thinking was I?" lol.

You dodged a bullet sweetie, he's still letting her control his life and until he puts his foot down it will only get worse, and you'll get caught in the crossfire.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why would you be mad?

She did you a favor by getting rid of a man child who wouldn't set boundaries.

Why would you offer to pay this guy's obligations for him? Is he not a grown man?

Let someone else deal with his ex drama.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Is this the guy that beat you and almost choked you till you passed out?


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Spicy said:


> Is this the guy that beat you and almost choked you till you passed out?


WHAT? 

First, why care about your ex and his baby mama drama?
Second, if it's the same guy, how is he walking free?


----------



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

a_new_me said:


> So, we broke up today.
> His ex said that if he does not dump me, she will take their kid from him.
> 
> She knows Nothing about me, family, education, etc and refuses to talk to me.
> ...


He sounds worthless.

Please consider why you are attracted to men like him. 

You might consider him noble for valuing his child. I don’t. His rights are protected by the courts. No, the family courts are not biased against men. Twenty years ago, yes, but not now. The courts presume joint custody unless there’s a good reason to award sole custody, and they don’t reflexively give the kids to the mother anymore.

Alimony? Unless you live in CA or NJ, it’s a limited remedy primarily for homemakers. Does he make far more money than her? Instead of paying his child support and alimony, pay his attorney fees to defend his rights... if you were to pay anything.

Find a man with a backbone.

And if he chokes you until you pass out... really?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

He did you a favor. He's more of a problem than his x. Sounds 
Like a total doormat.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Better to be out of that. Much better.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

a_new_me said:


> So, we broke up today.
> His ex said that if he does not dump me, she will take their kid from him.
> 
> She knows Nothing about me, family, education, etc and refuses to talk to me.
> ...


Your issue is not her, it's him. He allows her to be like this. It's a game they play. There's a good book about this from the 1990's: 
Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis

They are playing 2 games:

Kick Me
Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a *****

You are so lucky that he is no longer in your life.

When did you start dating this guy? Was he already divorce? in the process of a divorce? or did you have an affair with him while he was married?


.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

a_new_me said:


> So, we broke up today.
> 
> His ex said that if he does not dump me, she will take their kid from him.


He's lying to you. His wife cannot take his children away from him. He has legal rights as their father. All he needs to do is to get a lawyer and they court will smack down any attempt to keep the children away from him.



a_new_me said:


> She knows Nothing about me, family, education, etc and refuses to talk to me.


She has no reason to talk to you. This is all between your ex and his ex-wife. Why do you want to interject yourself between him and his ex?



a_new_me said:


> I even offered to pay her child support and alimony for the next year, from my pocket.


Why on earth would you pay her child support and alimony? Again, this is you interjecting yourself into their relationship. It's not your place.

Why can't he pay the child support and alimony he owes to his ex? What do you have to do with any of that?



a_new_me said:


> She treats him like a babysitter, insults him in front of their son and that’s sick.


He allows himself to be threated that way. You do not realize it yet, but you are so lucky to be rid of this very weak man.

Or, could he be a man who is just using his ex as the excuse to break up with you? That way he makes her the 'bad guy'? I suspect this might be the situation because he turned down you lucrative/generous offer to pay his alimony & child support. 

Either way, his actions are passive aggressive. 

And he hits you too? Really? This is what you want?



a_new_me said:


> I’m so mad.


Send her a big bouquet of roses, she did you a favor by getting him to show you what a passive aggressive game player he is.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Spicy said:


> Is this the guy that beat you and almost choked you till you passed out?


Whoa, wtf?


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

@TheDudeLebowski and @frusdil

Here is her post from a few months ago that I was referring too, though I didn’t re-read the entire thread. I don’t know if this is the same guy without her confirming that. I would like to know though...



a_new_me said:


> Well, it has been a long time since I was on here and my life has been complete chaos.
> 
> I was dating a man. 11 years younger than me, highly educated, extremely intelligent, fun to be with and an amazing lover. I was totally in love with him. Our relationship was really up and down though. I thought he was undiagnosed bipolar (which I now know is true).
> We moved in together eventually, and the first 10 days (yes days) were amazing. Day 11 came. We went to the beach and did a bit of drinking. When we got home, I decided to go visit my kids for a bit and my ex followed me back to make sure I got home safely.
> ...


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Thankyou @ Spicy

If OP is still with this man, she ought to run for the hills. Why on earth would you pay for his responsibilities?
You sound intelligent enough but you have no common sense to be involved with a man like this, I don't care how good the sex is or how manipulative he is to put you on cloud9 yadda yadda.
Girl, the first thing you need to do is take a deep breath and be glad that this POS man is out of your life, now follow through.
Next thing you need to do is go to a therapist and sort yourself out. Any woman who would put up with the kind of treatment you have been putting up with from this POS really needs to explore what is going on under her hood. It's like a car that starts smoking from under the bonnet, something is not right. YOU need help to figure out who you are, what you want, what you need to live a rich fulfilling life without all this drama, no man is worth that. Where is your self-esteem.
I bet your relationships with your kids and others will improve a thousand fold if you work on yourself first and forget about the men.

So in answer to your question

Yes your ex married a B but he is also a B of another persuasion and you are a fool for getting sucked into all that.


----------



## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Honestly, different guy.
We met 2 years ago while he was still married and one day she packed up her stuff and took their son to live with another man in a different state. I live in Canada.

We started talking again after his divorce and then broke up because of distance and stuff.

I was stupid and got back with my abusive ex for a bit, then dumped him when I saw there was no change in him.

During that time, I remained friends with ex married guy and then things progressed to today. 

Everyone is right. He has no back bone.
He claims to be unhappy when he is close to her and today she told him basically it was me or their child. 

I offered the support and alimony because he planned to come here and would not be able to work for around a year and I was trying to offer an olive branch. Over the year, it would have cost me around $20,000.
I also offered to make sure his car was maintained and asked him to just stay with me 1 weekend a month. I offered to pay for all his expenses going down 3 times a month for visits, and they would be video chatting every night on the phone.

I did not think I was being unreasonable.

He left some things up here last time he came to visit me. I will be packing them up and mailing them to him hopefully this week.

I waited 2 years almost for him. I am not waiting anymore.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

a_new_me said:


> Honestly, different guy.
> We met 2 years ago while he was still married and one day she packed up her stuff and took their son to live with another man in a different state. I live in Canada.
> 
> We started talking again after his divorce and then broke up because of distance and stuff.
> ...


Glad to know it's not your abusive ex. But hon, you need to fix your picker. I say that respectfully. You seem to pick men that aren't able to bring equally to the relationship. Your offerings here were way over the top. 

Glad to hear you're not waiting for him anymore. Choose someone who is on a more level playing field as you. Stay away from this current drama.

PS-I would have zero use for someone who would pick me over their child.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Send her a big bouquet of roses, she did you a favor by getting him to show you what a passive aggressive game player he is.


This is exactly what should be done. You have dodged the bullet.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

He needs to stay near his child.


----------



## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Spicy said:


> He needs to stay near his child.




And he is. She moved 9 hours away for a guy she met on the net and only met in person twice. He left all of his friends, family and quit his very well paying job to follow her and live with her and her new bf. Someone that lied to him, cheated on him and then took him to the cleaners.

I agree, children come first, but there were a lot of ways to make it work and I was more than willing to do anything to make it work.
I lost. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, you won. It's unfortunate that you don't see it for what it is.


----------



## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Openminded said:


> No, you won. It's unfortunate that you don't see it for what it is.




I hope you are right because my entire body is kicking my butt right now.
I’m just so sad. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Let him go. Whether or not what he did was an horable sacrifice or he's a pvssy-whipped weakling, you don't need all that drama in your life after what you have been through. 

What I can tell you straight up to do is get yourself in counseling (if you can afford it) and try to figure out why you seek out and fall for men who are either losers or whose lives are disasters.


----------



## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Let him go. Whether or not what he did was an horable sacrifice or he's a pvssy-whipped weakling, you don't need all that drama in your life after what you have been through.
> 
> 
> 
> What I can tell you straight up to do is get yourself in counseling (if you can afford it) and try to figure out why you seek out and fall for men who are either losers or whose lives are disasters.




I’m trying to. Day 1 always sucks worst. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

a_new_me said:


> I’m trying to. Day 1 always sucks worst.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You deserve a man who's got his act together... on all fronts: financial, fiscal, emotional, legal, physical and mental. A man should score a B+ to A+ in all those areas before you should even consider dating him.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If they're divorced there is a parenting time, child support, and alimony agreement in place. In other words, she can't take his kid from him by law. Unless he doesn't actually have a judgement, he broke up with you of his own free will. Don't let him bullpoop you.


----------



## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> If they're divorced there is a parenting time, child support, and alimony agreement in place. In other words, she can't take his kid from him by law. Unless he doesn't actually have a judgement, he broke up with you of his own free will. Don't let him bullpoop you.




I set him straight tonight.
Have a nice trip. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

I didn’t take his crap tonight. 
I layed it flat out.
He pulled drama.
I threw it in his face.
He wimped out and made my kids cry.
Not happening.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

a_new_me said:


> I set him straight tonight.
> Have a nice trip.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


What happened?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

a_new_me said:


> And he is. She moved 9 hours away for a guy she met on the net and only met in person twice. He left all of his friends, family and quit his very well paying job to follow her and live with her and her new bf. Someone that lied to him, cheated on him and then took him to the cleaners.
> 
> I agree, children come first, but there were a lot of ways to make it work and I was more than willing to do anything to make it work.
> I lost.


He could have, most likely, prevented her from moving with his child. A parent cannot unilaterally move a child out of the jurisdiction without the express agreement from the other parent.

And the fact that she was taking the child to go live with a man she did not even know would probably not look very good in court.


----------



## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Spicy said:


> What happened?




I told him off and then I made sure to add in a couple of low blows so he won’t try to come back to me.

As far as I am concerned, he should have dealt with it properly from the beginning instead of being a door mat.

I am pretty sure that he still has feelings for her and I was just a POA. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

a_new_me said:


> I even offered to pay her child support and alimony for the next year, from my pocket.


So what did you really 'lose' in the end?

180 pounds of ball-less, cowardly, worthless flesh. Any guy who needs his girlfriend to promise to pay his alimony and child support FOR him for a year because *he's* such a coward that he can't get his own house in order ain't worth keeping around.

That's just a fact.


----------



## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So what did you really 'lose' in the end?
> 
> 180 pounds of ball-less, cowardly, worthless flesh. Any guy who needs his girlfriend to promise to pay his alimony and child support FOR him for a year because *he's* such a coward that he can't get his own house in order ain't worth keeping around.
> 
> That's just a fact.




I lost a lot of BS and stress.
Even my Grandmother told me that he is a Sack of S. she ery rarely has anything nasty to say about anyone and I respect her opinion deeply. 
Breaking up sucks, and I am truly heartbroken, but I know in the long run, this will be best for me.
I have paid more than my fair share of dues and I only have patience for my beautiful children. Any one else can PO. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I think after some time, when you have grieved the end of the relationship, you will look back and see him from a more objective viewpoint, and I predict the view won't be pretty.


----------



## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I think after some time, when you have grieved the end of the relationship, you will look back and see him from a more objective viewpoint, and I predict the view won't be pretty.



It already is not pretty.
I feel like I was lied to, used and abused.
Abuse is not just smacking someone around unfortunately and over the past couple of days and seeing the impact it has had on my children, I am far from being pleased. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

So, tonight I get to deal with my youngest crying.
He is taking everything really hard.
He had a crap dad, a crap step dad and #3 over the past decade has him really upset.

I am literally on the verge of saying eff trying and buying a magic wand.

His pain for loving someone that was good for him is breaking me. (He is Autistic)
He keeps asking when he will see him again and I have been really honest by saying we are not together and I am sorry for his pain is ripping me up.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you need to think carefully about the people you are bringing into your children's lives. I fully believe that everyone should be free to find a relationship BUT, you don't need to introduce them to the kids until you know for sure it's not just short term thing. You have to accept responsibility here for your own choices. This guy was pretty clearly not going to be a good role model for your kids. You didn't respect his choices from the start.

Plus, you argued in front of the kids. They didn't need to hear it, honestly, it's not good to expose them to that sort of thing.


----------

