# Has anyone stayed for the children and made it work?



## LindsayGlen (7 mo ago)

Hi, I will try to keep this brief, yet detailed enough to give a clear picture. Ivan been married for 10 years, we got married within a year of meeting each other. The first 6 months of our relationship were intense, we were likely both on the rebound (but denied it at the time), and I had moved with work over to another county. Met my husband, Mike, and quickly he moved into my flat and we spent a lot of time together. We had a lot of sex but it was intimate and we got on great. I found him very reliable. We got engaged and then one day he was upset when I cam home from work, he said he had "dropped everyone for me". I explained I'd never asked him to (I was quite shocked as he hadn't mentioned missing anything/anyone and of course I'd just moved so i didnt really have a life there yet so perhaps overlooked that he had). Anyway, things changed and very soon he did his own thing. A lot. I went along with it, I didnt want to moan or seem needy, and actually I was busy with work and I enjoy my own company so it was fine. I just used to work and go to the gym to fill in the time that he was doing his thing (surfing). I did feel lonely, but I never really asked him to change. 

We got married. Wedding wasn't great. I'm not doing well with keeping things short, but basically we were already going to Hawaii for a surf trip, so decided to get married there. I had said if we get married abroad I didnt want anyone to go because my mum is disabled and cant travel and I didn't have anyone who could afford that trip, so if he wanted people there then we do it at home. We agreed just us. Then his parents asked to come, that was fine. Then his best friend wanted to come with his wife. I got upset and explained it would be like the "Mike show" and I would feel very insecure having no one on "my side". We fell out because he said his best friend was like his brother and I didnt get it. I do get it. But it isnt how i wanted it. Anyway my aunty came for me, which was lovely, and I paid for my sister and family to go, I felt like I begged them if I'm honest because it was the other side of the world and they had tiny children. But they came and I felt happy about that, but Mike and I never really overcame the issues with communication. 

Just a few days after the wedding we had a row, silly really, but he said something like he would be happy as long as he got his surfing holidays with the lads, and I questioned it and said well we have just got married so I think we will talk about stuff like that, to which he snapped and I felt like a bunny boiler so I just laughed it off. But I remember thinking omg we dont even know what we expect from each other. Even at this point, on our wedding holiday, and less than a year into the relationship, intimacy was lacking. We hardly ever had sex. He didnt seem to want to and would turn me down. I just let it go. 

In our first year of marriage we had real issues with intimacy. We would go weeks without having sex. We often wouldnt do anything together as a couple really. A couple of months before our first wedding anniversary he told me he was going on a surf trip to Indonesia with his best friend, if I'm honest now I probably felt jealous/left out, lonely, but I didnt say that, I made out it was fine. The only thing that I did complain about was he was flying 2 days before our wedding anniversary so he would miss it, the date was decided to suit his friends work, so I made a childish comment about his work being more important than our marriage. I then planned a trip to Thailand to do some volunteering and I did this alone. On this trip I decided the marriage was never going to work and I was going to tell him it was over when I next saw him (I was flying to meet him and his friends in Indonesia). The first night I arrived, he picked me up from the airport and then when we got to the accommodation he went out with his friends and I was left in the room for hours. When he came back I tried to discuss how poor things were but then he got a stomach bug and I spent the time looking after him instead (I am a nurse, ha)! Things did improve and I guess we just plodded on. 
The next couple of years were ok. Never great. Never dire. We had some laughs and actually the intimacy probably did improve a little. We did share a passion for travelling and went on some good city breaks etc. 
We then had a baby. Who is the best thing ever. Things were good at this point, he was a fantastic daddy, loved her, we moved away from where there was surf (for work reasons) and we had a good family unit. The baby was great and when I went back to work we pulled together well. My husband wanted another child as he hates being an only child, and I agreed, and fell pregnant much quicker than I expected. We then moved again (work), and things went dramatically downhill. I changed my job from Monday-Friday to back working shifts (for financial reasons and the cost of nursery for 2 babies). We argued every time I had to go to work. He seemed to hate doing any childcare. He took up triathlon and lots of spare time and money went on this. 
By the time the baby was due I think I hated him. I had taken 2 weeks agency work when I started my leave from the NHS, 36-38 weeks pregnant, but the money was great and the role was so easy, it meant my husband had to look after our then just turned 2yr old (who was a dream child), I felt so so bad about doing the work and making him provide the childcare. I really battled with myself over doing it, but it was his 40th and he wanted to do the ironman in Lanzarote, the trip was going to cost over 2k and that is what I was using the money for from these two weeks work. I paid is as his birthday gift. Whilst I was on this agency contract I discovered he had got into a lot of debt. Probably around 20k. We had a joint account and I worked very hard yet there was never any money and I hadnt looked into why to be honest, I think I just lwt him convince me that is what life costs etc. But I found out and he apologised and told me it would never happen again. He has spent the money on his hobbies, like an example is his pedals were £750! He had just bought everything he wanted. We agreed to separate finances and that is what we have done since and we just pay 50% of the bills each. I probably was too easy on him but I was just about to have a baby and I didnt have the energy to fight. 
When the baby was born things got worse. He didnt bond at all with him. He trained even harder because he was getting really good at triathlon now. I just did my own thing. We resented each other. He used to say things like I didn't support him in his passion, sport was who he was etc etc. And I used to say he didnt support me in helping with the children or cooking etc. It was so so ****! I used to fantasise about leaving all of the time. 
When I went back to work after baby no2, I used to do 2 x 12hr hospital shifts a week. My husband worked (in a gym) monday-friday. He hated if I worked a weekend, but I used to request a Sunday because it was time plus 60% and it meant we didnt need to pay for childcare for 2 kids for that shift. So essentially saved £200 a week with these factors. He never saw the importance of this, despite the money issues. We continued to argue and never really saw each others point of view on anything. 
We moved into the house we are in now in 2019. Things got even worse. I increased my hours and got a promotion. He hated that. Whenever I wasnt at work I would avoid him and take the kids with me for an easy life, but it did make the wedge greater. Lockdown was a real challenge because he stayed home to look after the childrens and as a nurse I didnt have that luxury. He thought I had it easier going to work, was angry, expecting me to do everything when I got home, whereas i thought he was lucky to be paid to be at home, safe, with the kids! We drifted further apart. Last year was the worst. He started criticising me as a parent. Had a huge row for me feeding the kids cheesy pasta one day, wrote a long critical text because I had forgotten to get eggs in the shop one day (he said I go above and beyond for the nhs but my family get the dregs). Now, if there is one thing I know I am good at, and that is being a mummy. The kids get everything! And usually eggs Haha! So I decided it was over. I moved into the spare room and told him I was done. Initially he seemed to agree. One day I confided in a man that we knew mutually. Happened to see him at the school gates and we spent the whole day together talking. He validated my claims that I was perfect and the marriage was terrible. I had started an emotional affair. Suddenly he seemed "perfect". A true gent. the absolute opposite of my husband in every way. My husband then had what he calls an epiphany and he was so sorry for the whole relationship. Declared his undying love. Then found out about my affair. Handled it amazingly well. I hated seeing Mike hurt so I agreed to try counselling. Stopped contact with this other man. Since then, 6 months ago, I found out my husband got into another huge amount of debt (he was lucky enough to pay the last 20k off with his army retirement money), but we are back in same position again, but he has been much easier to live with. He tried so hard to make me fall back in love with him. And at one point I thought I could. We have had a laugh again. I enjoy the time as a family. My kids are now 6 and 4, and they adore us being together. My husband is so much better as a father. But I just dont love him. I hate the thought of being intimate. I avoid him if I can. He is really handsome and I said to him last night that I feel like this and life is too short. He is so upset. He said it is a shock, I really think he believed we could turn it all round, and maybe we can. But I just feel he is not, and never has been, the "one". I cant bare the thought of splitting the family up. I've no idea how it would work logistically. But can we spend the rest of our lives like this? It has never felt right. I know this sounds so childish, but I connected so much more with this man in November. I just keep thinking what if we could both be so much happier in out lives than we are together. But then I feel terrible for not putting the children first. 
Has anyone managed to successfully stay together for the children? 
Thank you for reading this x


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For me I could never leave a marriage without serious abuse or adultery if it meant only seeing my children for half the week. Especially when they are still so young. That's just me, many seem to be able to do it. My children always came first before what I wanted.
As for the other man was he married? Guess what, he and his wife probably have issues as well, he isn't perfect, you aren't perfect, I am not perfect .Your fantasies about him are not real life. They are just that, fantasies.

Yes I know several couples who worked through many difficulties but stayed together for the children. Still together decades later long after the children left.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You hated each other, but you managed to have a second child when things were really bad. The whole story is quite unbelievable, to be honest.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

If you have fallen out of love with your spouse and it's not going to be repaired, than all you can do is live the 180 and be civil to each other.


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## LindsayGlen (7 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> For me I could never leave a marriage if it meant only seeing my children for half the week. Especially when they are still so young. That's just me, many seem to be able to do it. My children always came first before what I wanted.
> As for the other man was he married? Guess what, he and his wife probably have issues as well, he isn't perfect, you aren't perfect, I am not perfect .Your fantasies about him are not real life. They are just that, fantasies.


Thank you for your reply. I agree with both parts. In November when I was "certain" I was leaving, I remember coming home fro work one night and crying myself to sleep over that precise thing! Not being in the same house as my babies every night. I have no idea how this would work, I expect my husband would want 50% of their time, and I would not want to fight him or demand more of their time than him because I'm a woman. But it does really hurt at the thought. Sometimes I think I just cant do it. And then I think god I have to! I wanted to buy the house over the road from ours, so that they never needed to choose which house to be in as they were both there. But I think this is never going to be the reality.
We arent arguing now. We did, but not since his epiphany. It has been a calm home. But there is no connection between us as a couple, just as parents.


In Absentia said:


> You hated each other, but you managed to have a second child when things were really bad. The whole story is quite unbelievable, to be honest.


Erm thanks for your time! I didnt say we hated each other when we decided to have another child. I said we had been a good unit following becoming parents but before the second child was born things deteriorated.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LindsayGlen said:


> Thank you for your reply. I agree with both parts. In November when I was "certain" I was leaving, I remember coming home fro work one night and crying myself to sleep over that precise thing! Not being in the same house as my babies every night. I have no idea how this would work, I expect my husband would want 50% of their time, and I would not want to fight him or demand more of their time than him because I'm a woman. But it does really hurt at the thought. Sometimes I think I just cant do it. And then I think god I have to! I wanted to buy the house over the road from ours, so that they never needed to choose which house to be in as they were both there. But I think this is never going to be the reality.
> We arent arguing now. We did, but not since his epiphany. It has been a calm home. But there is no connection between us as a couple, just as parents.
> 
> 
> Erm thanks for your time! I didnt say we hated each other when we decided to have another child. I said we had been a good unit following becoming parents but before the second child was born things deteriorated.


It may make it easier if you could afford a house very close by so they could maybe be based in one home but pop in to see the other parent when they could. If you could both agree to that it could work.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Somethings confusing me. He was an absent dad who filled weekends with hobbies, and was never home and never wanted to do anything together.

He’s also a doting dad looking after the kids full time and then complaining you’re working on Sundays and feeding the kids crap food, and that you’re not home with the family?

Which one is true?

I also have a vague sense you may be very controlling. From the very beginning it seems.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@LindsayGlen “He validated my claims that I was perfect and the marriage was terrible.”

Are you manipulating yourself, do you believe your affair partner was manipulating you, or is this what you truly believe?

Also, how physical did the affair get?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Did it.
I bitterly regret.
Some years later I stayed _with_ my kids, she left to "follow her dreams".
Though was not easy I don´t regret rising my kids as a single father.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

...


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I ran out of gas a quarter of the way through your original post, so I will answer your question in a general sense, without all the details..

Millions do....Despite what a lot of people lead you to believe, most kids don't really care what's best for their parents, they care what's best for them, and being displaced, being shuttled around from one crappy household to another(two live cheaper/better than one-usually) by angry and bitter divorced parents isn't in a child's best interests, although it may be in the best interests and a necessity for the parents...Kids don't care or even understand the intimacy/sexual part either and even if they did, wouldn't care about it, if it meant that their lives are negatively affected...

i've known guys that wound up practically never being involved in their kids life post divorce, not by choice, but because they had to work 2 or more jobs to pay alimony, child support, and whatever left to sustain themselves in a crappy apartment...Date? Are you kidding?

If the love is gone, and there isn't a lot of fighting and arguing, I don't know why many parents don't at least consider it as an option..If the house is big enough, you can easily live almost 2 separate lives and continue to parent the children in one singular household..They can remain in their school, keep their stuff and friends, and nothing much about their life changes..

I's not for everyone or situation, but it happens...at the end of the day, its a personal decision, but to answer the basic question, yes it's done and success is something that not everyone measures the same way, so you can't really quantify it in black and white terms..


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Being a martyr is hard thankless work from what I’ve seen.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Being a martyr is hard thankless work from what I’ve seen.


Ironically so is a lot of garden variety parenting.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm with @hamadryad. You knew what your husband was like before you married him, and married him anyway. You knew what he was like pre children, yet had not one but two children anyway.

Divorce is utterly devastating for children, the bottom literally falls out of their world and the damage and impact is lifelong. Then add in step parents, step siblings and it becomes more crap they have to deal with - crap that they are not responsible for, and they don’t have any control over it. And I'm a step parent.

Read the book 'Primal Loss', it will break your heart.

Barring abuse/violence/addiction, obviously, divorce shouldn't be an option.

I don't say this to be harsh, but why should your children have to pay for your poor choices now that you have realised your error?

I'll get lots of notifications about this reply, of people disagreeing with me, I'm fully aware of that, so have at it.


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## LindsayGlen (7 mo ago)

********** said:


> And that's supposed to be a marriage? He sounds like a spoilt brat throwing tantrums.
> I wouldn't trust his current 'turnaround' to last. Leopards don't change their spots that easily.
> 
> Why not go see a lawyer, i.e. what the financial outcome would be. With his attitude to money? Child support? Ask H what child custody he would want. While he might say 50%, you might end up having your kids 70% of the time. I did with an ex who was similar regarding his hobby. Our whole lives used to revolve around it, where we went on holidays, the time he spent on it at the weekends. It was expensive too. Custody was 50% on paper which is what I was paid. My sacrifice was my financial situation, I didn't want to take him to court because I knew the likely effect on the kids & I knew what his attitude would be. I'm paying the price to this very day, but never regretted leaving, 3 kids, the youngest was 3.
> ...


You seem to really really understand. Thank you. To be fair to him, he has been different since his epiphany and the crazy spending has stopped. We no longer spend all of our time pursuing his hobbies. I'm unsure he could have done anything more to turn things around, but I think "the horse has already bolted" may just be the case x


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## LindsayGlen (7 mo ago)

hamadryad said:


> I ran out of gas a quarter of the way through your original post, so I will answer your question in a general sense, without all the details..
> 
> Millions do....Despite what a lot of people lead you to believe, most kids don't really care what's best for their parents, they care what's best for them, and being displaced, being shuttled around from one crappy household to another(two live cheaper/better than one-usually) by angry and bitter divorced parents isn't in a child's best interests, although it may be in the best interests and a necessity for the parents...Kids don't care or even understand the intimacy/sexual part either and even if they did, wouldn't care about it, if it meant that their lives are negatively affected...
> 
> ...


Thank you. And I know the post was ridiculously long, sorry!

I'd not ask him for any money. I have a good wage (more than him to be fair), so he wouldnt need to work an extra job or anything to pay me.

We have a spare room in our home and I did move in here for s couple of months last year. Maybe that could work in the short term, the kids seemed unaffected. We arent screaming at each other. Definitely not. And i think I agree about the kids just needing us. Thanks.


frusdil said:


> I'm with @hamadryad. You knew what your husband was like before you married him, and married him anyway. You knew what he was like pre children, yet had not one but two children anyway.
> 
> Divorce is utterly devastating for children, the bottom literally falls out of their world and the damage and impact is lifelong. Then add in step parents, step siblings and it becomes more crap they have to deal with - crap that they are not responsible for nor that they have any control over it. And I'm a step parent.
> 
> ...


I wouldnt send a bad response. I partly agree. Hence I've stayed. Before my second baby was born I was so unhappy and my husband changed for the worse, yet almost 5 years later I am here. I have overlooked my needs to be honest, well not exactly, my needs are the children being happy and they have been. I've always been ok with this. 

I will order the book now as I probably need to know the potential damage on the children. Who like you point out are innocent in this. Absolutely.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

LindsayGlen said:


> Erm thanks for your time! I didnt say we hated each other when we decided to have another child. I said we had been a good unit following becoming parents but before the second child was born things deteriorated.


Didn't sound like you loved each other much, then.... is that better? 

Regarding staying for the children: I did that... it didn't work.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In the end you made vows and promises. You chose to have children with him and you have responsibilities. Children's well being should always come first.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> Also, how physical did the affair get?


You didn't answer this question.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> In the end you made vows and promises. You chose to have children with him and you have responsibilities. Children's well being should always come first.


So when the kids are grown and happy she can move out? If it's all about the kids, what when the kids are ok on their own?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

LindsayGlen said:


> Hi, I will try to keep this brief, yet detailed enough to give a clear picture. Ivan been married for 10 years, we got married within a year of meeting each other. The first 6 months of our relationship were intense, we were likely both on the rebound (but denied it at the time), and I had moved with work over to another county. Met my husband, Mike, and quickly he moved into my flat and we spent a lot of time together. We had a lot of sex but it was intimate and we got on great. I found him very reliable. We got engaged and then one day he was upset when I cam home from work, he said he had "dropped everyone for me". I explained I'd never asked him to (I was quite shocked as he hadn't mentioned missing anything/anyone and of course I'd just moved so i didnt really have a life there yet so perhaps overlooked that he had). Anyway, things changed and very soon he did his own thing. A lot. I went along with it, I didnt want to moan or seem needy, and actually I was busy with work and I enjoy my own company so it was fine. I just used to work and go to the gym to fill in the time that he was doing his thing (surfing). I did feel lonely, but I never really asked him to change.
> 
> We got married. Wedding wasn't great. I'm not doing well with keeping things short, but basically we were already going to Hawaii for a surf trip, so decided to get married there. I had said if we get married abroad I didnt want anyone to go because my mum is disabled and cant travel and I didn't have anyone who could afford that trip, so if he wanted people there then we do it at home. We agreed just us. Then his parents asked to come, that was fine. Then his best friend wanted to come with his wife. I got upset and explained it would be like the "Mike show" and I would feel very insecure having no one on "my side". We fell out because he said his best friend was like his brother and I didnt get it. I do get it. But it isnt how i wanted it. Anyway my aunty came for me, which was lovely, and I paid for my sister and family to go, I felt like I begged them if I'm honest because it was the other side of the world and they had tiny children. But they came and I felt happy about that, but Mike and I never really overcame the issues with communication.
> 
> ...


Op--

What is the timeframe from the 'epihany' to now? Meaning, how long has he been easy to live with? 

Did he completely give up the surfing and/or triathalons then? for you?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uwe.blab said:


> So when the kids are grown and happy she can move out? If it's all about the kids, what when the kids are ok on their own?


Thats her decision. In my experience even adult children get very upset over their parents divorcing.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Thats her decision. In my experience even adult children get very upset over their parents divorcing.


Adult children are also always horrified to find out their parents stayed in an unhappy marriage because of them.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Thats her decision. In my experience even adult children get very upset over their parents divorcing.


Wouldn't adult children want their parents to be happy? Isn't part of being an adult being able to have the maturity to realize not everything is about you?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

********** said:


> Quite a sweeping statement. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but put it like this, I could run that past dozens of kids I know from divorced families who'd laugh at it. And no, they're not all from wealthy backgrounds.
> 
> I doubt if all the children of divorced couples are limping around, hugely damaged as is being suggested on here. In fact I know that's not the case. Perhaps a higher figure, but certainly research hasn't come up with dramatic figures. There's even a stigma about divorced parents, he/she should have stayed for the kids. It's easy to say looking on from an armchair.
> 
> *Bottom line, if parents handle divorce well and I know dozens of those too, their kids will come out just fine. *


Quite a sweeping statement(bolded)...I could run that past several kids and they may laugh....or maybe they cry..

More so now than ever.....its a matter of finances, in many cases....I hate to break it down to just that, but unfortunately, it is...People, unless they are at the top tier of earners, can barely afford one domicile with both parents working......working hard......

My parents "handled divorce well"...we went from barely making it, to almost homeless and my siblings and i had to live with relatives for a while...sounds like a blast...."just fine"....

A guy(I say guy because I have never seen or heard of women that are in the same situation), that can practically never see his own kids because work prevents it can't possibly be happy, or can't possibly be the ideal...

I'm not even advocating stay....some people do it and regret it because they gave up a big portion of their own lives...That's fine, I can relate to that..

Almost no divorces are clean and harmonious... Name calling, back biting, fighting over custody, fighting over money, etc...I get that in many cases, its necessary,(divorce), but when it comes to kids, its almost never better....02..


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> Adult children are also always horrified to find out their parents stayed in an unhappy marriage because of them.


If they are horrified “to learn” then that implies it might not have been a bad experience for them. That maybe the decision to stay married “for the kids” was a sacrifice worth making. If the adult kids instead said “that explains a lot of my bad childhood” it would be a different thing.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> If they are horrified “to learn” then that implies it might not have been a bad experience for them. That maybe the decision to stay married “for the kids” was a sacrifice worth making. If the adult kids instead said “that explains a lot of my bad childhood” it would be a different thing.


Not from what I've seen. The few that I am thinking of were horrified because their parent's relationship was either very cold and emotionless, or they fought all the time. In one family, the 3 kids left as soon as they could (by 18yrs old), and none are doing well as adults. Some of the kids struggled with drug abuse as well.

So NO, that's not what I meant to imply at all.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

...


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. You need to forget about these what ifs. The guy you had an emotional affair with is partly made up in your head. You are not allowing your marriage to work by staying stuck on this "there could be someone better". If he is a great dad and you two connected at some point enough to marry, I would do anything I could to repair that. I think you have to get your head into it, and stop being half way in, half way out. It might be too late to salvage your marriage, lots of damage has been done. But you got to be fully in it or you might as well walk away.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

LindsayGlen said:


> Hi, I will try to keep this brief, yet detailed enough to give a clear picture. Ivan been married for 10 years, we got married within a year of meeting each other. The first 6 months of our relationship were intense, we were likely both on the rebound (but denied it at the time), and I had moved with work over to another county. Met my husband, Mike, and quickly he moved into my flat and we spent a lot of time together. We had a lot of sex but it was intimate and we got on great. I found him very reliable. We got engaged and then one day he was upset when I cam home from work, he said he had "dropped everyone for me". I explained I'd never asked him to (I was quite shocked as he hadn't mentioned missing anything/anyone and of course I'd just moved so i didnt really have a life there yet so perhaps overlooked that he had). Anyway, things changed and very soon he did his own thing. A lot. I went along with it, I didnt want to moan or seem needy, and actually I was busy with work and I enjoy my own company so it was fine. I just used to work and go to the gym to fill in the time that he was doing his thing (surfing). I did feel lonely, but I never really asked him to change.
> 
> We got married. Wedding wasn't great. I'm not doing well with keeping things short, but basically we were already going to Hawaii for a surf trip, so decided to get married there. I had said if we get married abroad I didnt want anyone to go because my mum is disabled and cant travel and I didn't have anyone who could afford that trip, so if he wanted people there then we do it at home. We agreed just us. Then his parents asked to come, that was fine. Then his best friend wanted to come with his wife. I got upset and explained it would be like the "Mike show" and I would feel very insecure having no one on "my side". We fell out because he said his best friend was like his brother and I didnt get it. I do get it. But it isnt how i wanted it. Anyway my aunty came for me, which was lovely, and I paid for my sister and family to go, I felt like I begged them if I'm honest because it was the other side of the world and they had tiny children. But they came and I felt happy about that, but Mike and I never really overcame the issues with communication.
> 
> ...


Are you saying that you feel like your life is just like the song by: Mary Chapin Carpenter “House of Cards”, Or “He Thinks He’ll Keep Her”.??


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

LindsayGlen said:


> Hi, I will try to keep this brief, yet detailed enough to give a clear picture. Ivan been married for 10 years, we got married within a year of meeting each other. The first 6 months of our relationship were intense, we were likely both on the rebound (but denied it at the time), and I had moved with work over to another county. Met my husband, Mike, and quickly he moved into my flat and we spent a lot of time together. We had a lot of sex but it was intimate and we got on great. I found him very reliable. We got engaged and then one day he was upset when I cam home from work, he said he had "dropped everyone for me". I explained I'd never asked him to (I was quite shocked as he hadn't mentioned missing anything/anyone and of course I'd just moved so i didnt really have a life there yet so perhaps overlooked that he had). Anyway, things changed and very soon he did his own thing. A lot. I went along with it, I didnt want to moan or seem needy, and actually I was busy with work and I enjoy my own company so it was fine. I just used to work and go to the gym to fill in the time that he was doing his thing (surfing). I did feel lonely, but I never really asked him to change.
> 
> We got married. Wedding wasn't great. I'm not doing well with keeping things short, but basically we were already going to Hawaii for a surf trip, so decided to get married there. I had said if we get married abroad I didnt want anyone to go because my mum is disabled and cant travel and I didn't have anyone who could afford that trip, so if he wanted people there then we do it at home. We agreed just us. Then his parents asked to come, that was fine. Then his best friend wanted to come with his wife. I got upset and explained it would be like the "Mike show" and I would feel very insecure having no one on "my side". We fell out because he said his best friend was like his brother and I didnt get it. I do get it. But it isnt how i wanted it. Anyway my aunty came for me, which was lovely, and I paid for my sister and family to go, I felt like I begged them if I'm honest because it was the other side of the world and they had tiny children. But they came and I felt happy about that, but Mike and I never really overcame the issues with communication.
> 
> ...


It can, a father In. The home, a wife too givea the best success for the kids, its an intact unit.
Both together are a better force than single divorced financially and socially.
You both need to want and a reason to live and love, ephesians in the Bible says to submit to each other, but we get the concept of oneness, one individualism wrong, submisubmittng is agreed g somewhat, but more loving. What does ot mean to submit to o ne another as Jesus did with God. Read Dr. Gotmans making marriage work, and the 6 hours a week rule too
Worse thing, for 50 years communists, now called the woke, have been telling women a man,
A father, is not needed. A politic. It tells women that, it's better to do without If not fulfilled and it worked as demonstrated by the high divorce rate.
Learn how to date, game each other, and take turns seducing each other 1x a month.
It's normal to feel this way.
One more book, the proper care and feeding of marriage by Dr. LAura schlesdinger.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

LindsayGlen said:


> Hi, I will try to keep this brief, yet detailed enough to give a clear picture. Ivan been married for 10 years, we got married within a year of meeting each other. The first 6 months of our relationship were intense, we were likely both on the rebound (but denied it at the time), and I had moved with work over to another county. Met my husband, Mike, and quickly he moved into my flat and we spent a lot of time together. We had a lot of sex but it was intimate and we got on great. I found him very reliable. We got engaged and then one day he was upset when I cam home from work, he said he had "dropped everyone for me". I explained I'd never asked him to (I was quite shocked as he hadn't mentioned missing anything/anyone and of course I'd just moved so i didnt really have a life there yet so perhaps overlooked that he had). Anyway, things changed and very soon he did his own thing. A lot. I went along with it, I didnt want to moan or seem needy, and actually I was busy with work and I enjoy my own company so it was fine. I just used to work and go to the gym to fill in the time that he was doing his thing (surfing). I did feel lonely, but I never really asked him to change.
> 
> We got married. Wedding wasn't great. I'm not doing well with keeping things short, but basically we were already going to Hawaii for a surf trip, so decided to get married there. I had said if we get married abroad I didnt want anyone to go because my mum is disabled and cant travel and I didn't have anyone who could afford that trip, so if he wanted people there then we do it at home. We agreed just us. Then his parents asked to come, that was fine. Then his best friend wanted to come with his wife. I got upset and explained it would be like the "Mike show" and I would feel very insecure having no one on "my side". We fell out because he said his best friend was like his brother and I didnt get it. I do get it. But it isnt how i wanted it. Anyway my aunty came for me, which was lovely, and I paid for my sister and family to go, I felt like I begged them if I'm honest because it was the other side of the world and they had tiny children. But they came and I felt happy about that, but Mike and I never really overcame the issues with communication.
> 
> ...


Me again,
Talk and get needs met. Get counseling to learn to do that. From now on agut trip every couple years, vacation time Is family time, and you two for occasional weeken romance trips. It doesn't have to be this way, change it, invent what you want.ask, demand, and both negotiate it with love.


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## loveaspies (7 mo ago)

LindsayGlen said:


> Hi, I will try to keep this brief, yet detailed enough to give a clear picture. Ivan been married for 10 years, we got married within a year of meeting each other. The first 6 months of our relationship were intense, we were likely both on the rebound (but denied it at the time), and I had moved with work over to another county. Met my husband, Mike, and quickly he moved into my flat and we spent a lot of time together. We had a lot of sex but it was intimate and we got on great. I found him very reliable. We got engaged and then one day he was upset when I cam home from work, he said he had "dropped everyone for me". I explained I'd never asked him to (I was quite shocked as he hadn't mentioned missing anything/anyone and of course I'd just moved so i didnt really have a life there yet so perhaps overlooked that he had). Anyway, things changed and very soon he did his own thing. A lot. I went along with it, I didnt want to moan or seem needy, and actually I was busy with work and I enjoy my own company so it was fine. I just used to work and go to the gym to fill in the time that he was doing his thing (surfing). I did feel lonely, but I never really asked him to change.
> 
> We got married. Wedding wasn't great. I'm not doing well with keeping things short, but basically we were already going to Hawaii for a surf trip, so decided to get married there. I had said if we get married abroad I didnt want anyone to go because my mum is disabled and cant travel and I didn't have anyone who could afford that trip, so if he wanted people there then we do it at home. We agreed just us. Then his parents asked to come, that was fine. Then his best friend wanted to come with his wife. I got upset and explained it would be like the "Mike show" and I would feel very insecure having no one on "my side". We fell out because he said his best friend was like his brother and I didnt get it. I do get it. But it isnt how i wanted it. Anyway my aunty came for me, which was lovely, and I paid for my sister and family to go, I felt like I begged them if I'm honest because it was the other side of the world and they had tiny children. But they came and I felt happy about that, but Mike and I never really overcame the issues with communication.
> 
> ...


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## loveaspies (7 mo ago)

Read The Asperger Husband by Lisa Merle. Tells of divorce and how it destroys a family emotionally and financially. Children no matter what age never recover from divorce. You may argue otherwise but family is key!


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