# Is there hope?



## Flame (Sep 11, 2009)

Hello all,
I am new here and just feel like sharing my story and seeing what others think. I have been married for over 9 years. A month after getting married found out my H was deceiving me and doing things that he knew I was strongly against and would hurt my feelings. Although it was a long time ago, he never wanted to talk about it or work through how it made me feel, or even why he did it. Fast forward a few more years, and I found he deceived me with money by opening up some credit cards I didn't know about and charging them up. So... I started to feel like there was a pattern of deception. I attempted to talk about it, but let's just say I am a confrontational type of person so that probably did not encourage communication from him. We have 2 kids and he is a great father. The past few years, I have voiced my unhappiness with him as a husband and that I would like to work through these problems. Over time, he continued to avoid me and not talk to me and I continued to grow unhappy. Finally, last year, I felt I couldn't deal with the confusion anymore, so we talked about how each other was feeling and we both basically drew a line in the sand. I said I am willing to work on things, but I need him to take the first step to show that he is passionate and willing to work on being with me. I set a date in my mind (many months away) that if he didn't at least attempt to improve somewhat that I need to make a decision for myself to be happy. So that date came and went, and the unhappiness grew. I was putting it off. Then one day he sent me an email and said he doens't love me anymore. I was devastated. What hurt even more, is that the days following he treated me like a stranger. No caring as a person as to how utterly upset I was (and I don't get all emotional most of the time). That had me in a fog for a few weeks. I was urged to do counseling with him. I picked up a couple of books and read them (recommended by counselor). The sad part for me was that the counseling seemed to be about him and all about him. We were assigned "homework" and he had no initiative to do it. After a couple weeks of that, I kept telling myself what am I doing? He doesn't love me, and I can't try enough for both of us. 

Okay so then I started to talk to some guy I knew from HS. Thought we had a lot in common, he said everything I wanted to hear, and I fell right into the trap. I found out this guy was a jerk and preyed upon my vulnerability. Also found out my H hooked up on a "sex date" with some girl he doesn't even know. 

I am living with my parents, he is getting his own place, and we take turns with the kids. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like there is a lot of mistrust and hurt, but I think back also to when there were happy times. I feel like I can work on this, but I am back to wondering if he can work on this. He keeps telling me he doesn't know. How long should I wait around? I don't want to be waiting around desperately and I want to know what direction I should be headed.

Thanks for listening and sorry this is so long.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Sorry for your pain. But I have to say that after losing your emotional affair, you are returning to known ground in a "bargaining" sort of way. You seem to be looking for someone to hold onto and even your STB-X looks good compared to being with no one.

But you know in your heart you can't do it alone. 

If he doesn't know by now, he may never know. You can continue to work toward a new direction and reevaluate if he changes his mind. But not knowing if you want to work on your marriage is not exactly a giant confidence building vote toward marriage rebuilding. It takes a heck of a lot of commitment to fight through things when they're bad. If he's not up to it, he's not up to it.

If you want to know if he's even in the ballpark though, ask him to go to counseling on his own. If he sticks with it and seems to be improving, take another shot at MC. If he balks at the idea or goes and then quits quickly, move on.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

flame,
if you don't mind me saying you sound a little conflicted yourself. It sounds like there are on going trust issues and now it seems that he has opted for withdrawal in place of facing up to things. dobo is correct in that you can't do it alone - 
I know it sounds counter intuitive but I'd encourage you not to get too caught up on the "i don't love you anymore" stuff. If he wants to withdraw completely that's what he'll say and unfortunately for some folk that is way easier than being with someone who actually knows them and can point to their faults/problems/issues....after my many months of emotional turmoil I don't think those words mean anything anymore - look at his actions instead - and many people said this to me and I never did it enough PROTECT yourself.


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## Flame (Sep 11, 2009)

Well I have an update and seems to be on a happier note. Can't we all use some good news around here? Talked to the H and explained what my soul searching has revealed over the last month or so. Surprisingly he was willing to listen, told me some of what he has realized also. Very good open and honest communication. I think we are just past the point of being mad and stubborn any longer. We spent a couple of hours together today with the kids and we actually hugged and held hands a lot. He said he would like to try and work on this with me, but obviously he has some resentment and would like to move past that through counseling. I feel like today was a good day, and just the fact that he said he wants to try has restored my hope. I am still being cautious, and admittedly, so is he because we want to make sure we can fully commit to working on this together. At least right now we are in that mindset, and I hope this continues. I hope to be a reconciliation story one day on this site. Wish me luck. I will keep you guys updated, as this has been such a great source of information and support.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Flame I am so glad that things are looking up -
but please heed my previous advice - particularly if he seems to be harboring resentment -
my H came back and seemed happy but also seemed strangely resentful and petulant.
So try and keep a good lookout for yourself as No 1.
keep us posted and good luck!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I actually think it's probably pretty common to just become completely fed up with your relationship and all of it's short comings, and convince yourself that there is something 'better' out there. 

What you generally discover is that 'better' is a smoke-screen for 'more of the same'. I would never encourage anyone to return to an abusive relationship - but the reality that most people simply think they will trade in their old, worn out relationship for a shiny, happy, new one is self-delusional. 

If both of you are willing to compromise and take the approach of making your 'old' relationship into a 'new' one, then it is worth every effort. Don't get hung up on time-frames, which everybody does, myself included. It's time to be done when one of you takes concrete steps to dissolve the marriage, or one of you is actively pursuing other relationships instead of making the marriage your focus.


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