# Masterbating vs sex....???



## Jenchess33 (Oct 3, 2016)

Ok ive been with my husband for 10 yrs and up until couple years ago the sex life was awesome. Hes 42 and im 34, both of us have a pretty high sex drive. Now I know masterbating in moderation is...well....down right fun, but its a problem when it's interfering with our sex life. Here lately ive done the extra kinky things that he watches and have even told him to stop lying about it and hiding it and that we could do it together. Unfortunately it usually ends up us taking care of ourselves. When does masterbating become a problem as opposed to innocent fun? For me, its depressing. 8 out of 10 times we have sex, porn is playing and hes glued to the computer. I want me husband back! I've had countless talks but always turns into empty promises. Should i accept it or move on? I want to feel desired again and lusted after.

Please help!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What you describe is a problem. And what you are doing is to further encourage him to use porn and take care of himself.


Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Jenchess33 said:


> *I want to feel desired again and lusted after.*


If you "want to be wanted," that is a form of trying to control your spouse's feelings and it will NOT go well for you!

Instead it is better if you share the desire you have for him and make it very easy for him to please you. 

As for porn, if his activity and dependence to it has increased recently, he may be struggling with depression or some other for of pain that needs self-medicating. Get him outside, make him exercise, and break up his routines. Focus on having fun outside the bedroom in a nonsexual context. 

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its a problem if either of you feels that it is. Since you do, its a problem. 

In this case you have every reason to be unhappy: he is paying attention to porn, not to you.

I have no problem with porn in moderation but when it is interfering with your sex life, as it is here, then it is a big problem. .


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Jenchess33 said:


> For me, its depressing. 8 out of 10 times we have sex, porn is playing and hes glued to the computer.


I see your concern, that does not sound right. Some ideas:

ED? Is he having a hard time getting hard, or cumming? if so, maybe he is using the porn to help him to cum, and is embarassed or even afraid to try sex without the porn helping him. And this is in NO WAY a comment on your sexy body, which i am sure you have...it is all about HIS insecurity. Maybe he needs viagra?

How about doing something to spice up the bedroom? Sexy lingerie? Lite bondage? 
Tie him in a chair, strip for him, and then have sex while he is still tied up--unable to move.

Role play? Get a superwoman costume, or wonder woman, donn the aura of a superwoman, and command his obedience?

In other words, whatever the same old sex in the bedroom was, completely change it. Make it WAY better than any crappy porn movie could be.

Another good technique...make sex an ever building part of your lives. Like you are cooking supper, he is getting ready to eat, you set the table, and bend over the table, revealing the surprise that you are not wearing any panties....things like that that get his mind on YOUR hot body


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

We're one of those couples who both see masturbation as hollow.. it's never as good or even on par with intimacy shared.. we both enjoy looking at Erotic stuff.. but we always save our sexual energy for each other.. for a time my drive was way higher.. and it made sense I may take care of it myself.. but even then he told me he wanted me to come to him.. he would even apologize saying he wished he could have accommodated... 

There is a fine line here if a couple are not on the same page in this.. one may feel the other is being controlling.. trying to infringe on their private time... but yet.. putting each other 1st.. pleasuring each other *IS that important*...this brings a couple together, it's a physical act of loving, of sharing ...it's comfort & exhilaration, getting lost in each other... it's "life giving" to marriage, a bond not easily broken....

When Porn, attached to a computer screen, becomes more of a thrill / a habit over a warm willing partner ...at this point.. it's sucking the intimacy from you both.....it's just not Ok.. .


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

Some girls/women are threatened by their husband watching porn or masturbating. They may even call it "cheating" - which is ridicules to me. Expecting a normal, healthy man to NOT masturbate is incredibly naive. The porn thing is a little different but when she is assured that it is just fantasy and that men are extremely visual creatures when it comes to sex they should be able to come to a reasonable understanding. However, anytime porn or masturbation becomes a real, legitimated issue in a relationship - one of the partners has to changer their behavior. 

It sounds like you have met him halfway in this because you not only masturbate with him you also watch the porn with him. For most men this would be enough to earn you "greatest wife ever" status. You always have the right to rail at him over porn & jerking off but, like I've indicated, it isn't always a rational request. Not so in your case. You are honestly trying to work with him but it's not working for you. I'd suggest having him meet you halfway on this and give you porn-free, old-fashioned sex the way you've come to like it. You've earned the right to expect him to modify his behavior to this extent in the same way you modified yours. 

You sound like a sexually open woman with an equally horny husband so I think if you approach this thing rationally it will work out just fine.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Should you accept it or move on? Well, that decision is up to you and how much you feel you can "put up" with. But you say that there's been talk and he's made empty promises--it's just going to be more of the same moving forward, and likely it will continue to get even worse.

The big question is this: are the sexual problems the actual problem, or are they a symptom of a larger deficit/issue in your marriage? How is your marriage outside of sex?


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