# Scared wife is detaching from me



## themisplacedlover (Sep 25, 2014)

So to start off my wife and I have been married for 4 years and have 2 beautiful boys. But recently I got a new job that requires me to travel a bit. First time I was gone a week, I come back and my wife is acting differently (not herself). I thought it was just me so let it go a couple of days, then I confront her about it. She said that she loves me, but shes not in love with me. We talk about it and I agree to give her space and let her come back to me when she can. Two days later she tells me that shes in love with me and thinks it was an emotional response to me leaving that she shut down her feels so she wouldn't miss me. So going good for a couple months and then I have to leave again for a month, but come back on weekends. And 3 days before I leave I notice shes acting the way she was when I came back. I confront her immediately, she says yet again that shes not in love with. But this time she said she hasn't been for a very long time. Said that she doesn't think that she was in love with me when we got married, and it none of this never occurred to her until recently. So we talk again and she says she wants to try work it out without separating. So I leave for my job, and we skype everyday and she tells me that I am her bestfriend, but she loves me but not in love with me. And said if I am ok with that we can stay together. I want to stay with her but every weekend that I go home I afraid that shes gonna tell me it's not going to work out. I've been stepping up my game with her to prove to her that I'm in this 100%. But she still seems real distant somedays and other days it's all lovey dovey. I don't know what to do anymore more it's driving me crazy. So is this something that some else has gone though or anyone have advice for me.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

themisplacedlover said:


> So to start off my wife and I have been married for 4 years and have 2 beautiful boys. But recently I got a new job that requires me to travel a bit. First time I was gone a week, I come back and my wife is acting differently (not herself). I thought it was just me so let it go a couple of days, then I confront her about it. She said that she loves me, but shes not in love with me. We talk about it and I agree to give her space and let her come back to me when she can. Two days later she tells me that shes in love with me and thinks it was an emotional response to me leaving that she shut down her feels so she wouldn't miss me. So going good for a couple months and then I have to leave again for a month, but come back on weekends. And 3 days before I leave I notice shes acting the way she was when I came back. I confront her immediately, she says yet again that shes not in love with. But this time she said she hasn't been for a very long time. Said that she doesn't think that she was in love with me when we got married, and it none of this never occurred to her until recently. So we talk again and she says she wants to try work it out without separating. So I leave for my job, and we skype everyday and she tells me that I am her bestfriend, but she loves me but not in love with me. And said if I am ok with that we can stay together. I want to stay with her but every weekend that I go home I afraid that shes gonna tell me it's not going to work out. I've been stepping up my game with her to prove to her that I'm in this 100%. But she still seems real distant somedays and other days it's all lovey dovey. I don't know what to do anymore more it's driving me crazy. So is this something that some else has gone though or anyone have advice for me.



Oh boy
Check phone records and buy 2 VARS one in the home and one in the car.
There is likely a third person in your marriage.
If you want to save this you need to find another job.
Sorry you are here.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Here we go again. I'm really sorry to inform you but your wifes behavior reeks of cheating. For example, her distanced demeanor and the I love you, but I'm not in love with you speech is classic cheater speak. Her being scared is a technique to deflect the blame onto you... another classic cheater behavior we refer to as blame shifting.

The first thing you must do is rule out another man. Immediately get electronic surveillance equipment placed and chances are good you'll soon find the truth. Sorry.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your 100% of effort won't mean crap if your trying to compete with a new love your wife might have.

I strongly suggest you eliminate this possiblity by doing your own research.

I hope your investigation proves me wrong and your efforts to be 100% in pays off.

If I am right you can go ahead and be the perfect husband all you want but someone will be laughing their @ss off every time you try.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Here we go again. I'm really sorry to inform you but your wifes behavior reeks of cheating. For example, her distanced demeanor and the I love you, but I'm not in love with you speech is classic cheater speak. Her being scared is a technique to deflect the blame onto you... another classic cheater behavior we refer to as blame shifting.
> 
> The first thing you must do is rule out another man. Immediately get electronic surveillance equipment placed and chances are good you'll soon find the truth. Sorry.


:iagree:

Additionally, she is re-writing your marital history claiming she was not in love with you when you got married.

Does she work outside of the home?

If you do uncover cheating, are you still willing to accept her offer of a loveless/roommates type of marriage?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Lots of travel and long absences are terrible for a marriage. You can't nurture a relationship when you're not there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

When a wife says she "needs space", that means she needs space and time to screw another man, hopefully without you finding out.

Its one of the most common BS lines out there. Second only the the ultimate BS line, "I love you but am not in love with you".

You also mentioned you are "afraid". Fear is like like bug repellent to women. Falling over yourself trying to please them is also.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She may not be cheating, but feels lost when you are away. She may be distancing herself to reduce the pain of separation while you travel, and that carries over when you get home. She may also fear that with your travel, you will be the one cheating, and is pulling back so that it won't be as devastating if/when she finds out that her fears are true.

Anyway, this is not normal, and at the least you two need MC and she may need IC. It is certainly worth checking as suggested to be sure she's not cheating on you (if she fears you are or may, she may do so preemptively herself). If she is, then you need to decide if it's worth trying to fix the marriage. If she's not, then it's a fear response to being alone so much.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Most likely someone has been paying attention to her online or at work and she didn't think about it until she had to spend nights away from you. He probably contacted her during your first time away and she suddenly saw possibilities. VAR her car and check her phone records for one number that has a ton of contact. Everything she has said is straight out of the Cheater's Script (yes, there's a script because almost every cheater says the exact same things).


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Read the top link in my signature.

All you need and how to do it. Step by step. Play by play. makes model numbers and even instructions.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sounds like cheating.

VAR (see WL's post above)

GPS car, easy these days.

Check phone bills.

Start 180. Work on yourself. Exercise. Eat right act happy. Fake it till you make it.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> She may not be cheating, but feels lost when you are away. She may be distancing herself to reduce the pain of separation while you travel, and that carries over when you get home. She may also fear that with your travel, you will be the one cheating, and is pulling back so that it won't be as devastating if/when she finds out that her fears are true.
> 
> Anyway, this is not normal, and at the least you two need MC and she may need IC. It is certainly worth checking as suggested to be sure she's not cheating on you (if she fears you are or may, she may do so preemptively herself). If she is, then you need to decide if it's worth trying to fix the marriage. If she's not, then it's a fear response to being alone so much.


Please think about this^^^^^^



turnera said:


> Most likely someone has been paying attention to her online or at work and she didn't think about it until she had to spend nights away from you. He probably contacted her during your first time away and she suddenly saw possibilities. VAR her car and check her phone records for one number that has a ton of contact. Everything she has said is straight out of the Cheater's Script (yes, there's a script because almost every cheater says the exact same things).


Very strong possibility^^^^^ if the previous from Married But Happy does not appear to be the case.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

All of the above...yours is a story much more common than you would think.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I would be suspect as well. Investigate ASAP OP.

Meanwhile, I would sit her down and put her on the spot/punt the ball to her court.

"honey, for past # of months you have been constantly telling me that you love me and that you don't love me. I need to know EXACTLY how you feel RIGHT NOW."

"Also, I would really appreciate if you provided me with your Email/Facebook/other account passwords"

Watch her reaction to #2 CLOSELY and expect the information right there and then.

If she shows defensiveness/anger....she is up to no good.
If she refuses, you got your answer, she is hiding something and WILL go off and delete all the evidence you are looking for.

So expect the information on the spot. Her rejection = she is cheating.

When and if she give you the info at a later time, just tell her you no longer need it and already have your answer.

No to either question/conversation above = you go see a lawyer and file for divorce.

I wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't love me.

PS. Do NOT consider your kids in this decision. They will be just fine as long as both of you remain in their life and continue to be good parents. 

Good luck and keep us posted


----------



## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> She may not be cheating, but feels lost when you are away. She may be distancing herself to reduce the pain of separation while you travel, and that carries over when you get home. She may also fear that with your travel, you will be the one cheating, and is pulling back so that it won't be as devastating if/when she finds out that her fears are true.
> 
> Anyway, this is not normal, and at the least you two need MC and she may need IC. It is certainly worth checking as suggested to be sure she's not cheating on you (if she fears you are or may, she may do so preemptively herself). If she is, then you need to decide if it's worth trying to fix the marriage. If she's not, then it's a fear response to being alone so much.


:iagree:


----------



## RollerCoasterRide (Sep 8, 2014)

The flip flopping seems to be an indicator that shes trying to decide between you and something else. I would definately start surveillance to find out what the somethibg else is and prepare to lawyer up and if u do start finding evidence you could try some reverse psychology...going all out to save the marriage may have the effect of convincing your wife you'll always be there and so she'll be more at ease to stray. It might benefit to act distanced in return...to show her that theres a real chance ull be out of the picture if she chooses wrongly. Of course thats IF you still want to save the marriage and IF she hasnt made up her mind already


----------



## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

She may have an attachment issue. Pushing you away when you leave is pretty classic behaviour for this. She won't understand why she does it but it's fear based, insecure attachment. Just my thoughts, it's not always cheating.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Am I the only one who has several fake email and Facebook accounts? "Look love, a 20% coupon from the bicycle store"... 

Do cheating or non cheating people spend hours like love struck teens talking on the phone or IM? Exchanging dirty selfies on Pictogram or what not?

VAR for sure - people talk in the car even with a throwaway phone. But I often bring cellphones from work for testing or just to play with them...

I would actually take her story for what it is. Overwhelmed by the kids, can't adapt... Cheating in the grand scheme of things may be easier to handle than that.


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

The OP got the 'ol ILYBNILWY speech. Yep, she is on the fence about staying in the relationship versus some grass she perceives is greener elsewhere.

There is NOTHING you can do faster, quicker, better right now to control her choices. The more you try to influence the way she see you, the more she will push you away.

Don't cling...don't beg, cry, whine, plead, hover, flip out, yell, scream, preach, teach...NADA. Pull back and do your own thing while SECRETLY surveilliing the situation with a voice activated recorder secured by velcro tape beneath her car seat. If you can get stuff of her computer or cell, great.

In the meantime, just nod your head and be very cool and understanding when she is telling you that she isn;t sure about the future. Tell her that you are going to let her make her choice, that you don;t intend to hold her hostage, but at the same time let her know you are willing to commit to working it out with her.

That being said, if she makes a move to leave or kick you out OR you discover she is in an affair, then being nice and understanding is OVER. Don't rage, just be swift in cutting communication and GO DARK, go 180, and protect yourself financially. At this point she made a decision, resulting you making yours as well...and that is NOT rewarding her, being sympathetic, being an emotional/financial support while she is trying to "rediscover" herself.


----------



## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

its an affair.....get your act together like now. No more Mr Nice Guy.


----------



## themisplacedlover (Sep 25, 2014)

Thanks for all your replys, and have done some checking and come to the conclusion that she is not cheating or hasn't in the past. She tells me that she wants this to work out, but I still feel as if I'm still in the friend zone. And yesterday I found out that she has been with around 50 guys before me. When we got together she said she was with 12. I don't know how I should feel about this on one hand I'm mad as hell. And on the other I don't to fight about it cause I'm afarid that it will push her father away. Don't get me wrong I don't care how many guys there was, but that is a big jump from 12 to 50.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

that lie implies she is willing and able to lie to you. I don't know how sure you are she isn't cheating, but assuming you are mid-20's a 50 count means she was never without a man. So when you are gone from work, I would think her past is predicting OM are in the picture.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

From your post of knowing that there are so many men involved in your wife's life before you, I would see a divorce attorney to protect yourself. You have children with your wife and finances is going to be an issue.

When your wife tells you that she was not in love with you when she married you, she indicated that she married you for security. This is the most cruel statement that a wife can tell you. You are only 4 years married. Get out of this relationship if you can. I truly believe that you are seeing the surface of a deeper problem with your wife.


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

what does 'done some checking' include?

yeah, with a count like 50, that's not meaningful 'relationships', that's strings of one night stands, hookups, etc.

sounds like she doesn't like to be alone, and has the ability to remedy that on a temporarily basis rather quickly. She must also have a rather large rolodex (or facebook now) list of guys that might infrequently contact her ('fishing').

does she have any party-girl friends she goes out with? do you know what she's doing when you're gone?


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

1) Don't try and beg or nice your way back into her heart.
2) Get in to good physical condition.
3) Read MMSLP
4) Be confident and happy. Fake it if necessary.
5) Find things to do so that you are not moping.
6) VAR
7) Do not tell her you love her. Okay, if she says it very passionately, you can pause and reply calmly.


----------



## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Look at it this way.... Out of the 50 guys she was with. She chose to marry you. That should count for something?


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Whoa... the count went from 12 to *50*?!?! That is quite a jump.

The real question is, why did she feel the need to lie to you about it in the first place?

And how did you confirm the count... did she offer the info voluntarily, did it come out in an argument, did you do some snooping and uncovered this on your own?


----------



## themisplacedlover (Sep 25, 2014)

I put a tracking device in her car, got tracking software in her phone that sends every text, number call duration of call, and every email to my burner phone. Had a buddy put hidden cameras in all throughout house. I don't want to divorce her but I know to hope for the best and plan for the worst. Sometimes she does kiss me when she's leaving but I don't know how to feel bout that. She said it makes her feel like crap that she doesn't want to be touched, told her how do u think it makes me feel. And she said that the reason she told me she was only with 12 guys at first is because I've only been with 2 girls. My ex fiancÃ© from high school and her. I was with my ex for 9 years and then 6 months later I met my wife. I want to try to make it work she says do does she. But I don't know how to make her fall back in love with me because I'm the same person I was when I met her.


----------



## tibymia (Oct 12, 2014)

My man travels too.. He travels 20 days out of the month and I find it extremely difficult especially now that we have a 5 month old. I personally feel lonely, especially when I have zero adult interaction while he is gone.. It can drive a person crazy and think all sorts of stuff. I have gotten into it with him several times about how he travels and that I feel lonely and that he needs to be home with us. 
I think that your wife is emotionally detaching herself from you to get a reaction.. She wants to hear that you love her and that you're doing this for her and your family together.. But like the other people on here.. To salvage your relationship.. You should get a local job. I know I can't have my man do this for very long.
In the mean time, You should call and text her often when you're gone.. Send little videos of where you are.. Try to stay connected that way.. Send her some roses.. Plan something romantic.. Like even a little dinner out when you get back into town. Do something kinky like send nudes, start it by asking her to send pics of herself and say you miss her.. Even though you guys have been together for awhile.. this is a perfect way to spice up your relationship. Don't immediatley assume she is cheating.. Plus the only thing that matters is that you tried your best.. Whatever she does is on her conscious.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fwiw, I didn't tell my H the truth about my past, either. I had told my ex-fiance, who I was with before my husband, the truth, and he really used it against me. Like really cruel things. So when I got with my H, I just never talked about it. He fished a bit and I never answered, so he quit asking. There's a double standard out there, guys are cheered on for screwing while girls...well, they get the exact same reaction YOU had. Small wonder some women don't tell the truth.


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Do this!



LongWalk said:


> 1) Don't try and beg or nice your way back into her heart.
> 2) Get in to good physical condition.
> 3) Read MMSLP
> 4) Be confident and happy. Fake it if necessary.
> ...


Don't do this.



tibymia said:


> In the mean time, You should call and text her often when you're gone.. Send little videos of where you are.. Try to stay connected that way.. Send her some roses.. Plan something romantic.. Like even a little dinner out when you get back into town. Do something kinky like send nudes, start it by asking her to send pics of herself and say you miss her.. Even though you guys have been together for awhile.. this is a perfect way to spice up your relationship. Don't immediatley assume she is cheating.. Plus the only thing that matters is that you tried your best.. Whatever she does is on her conscious.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

This website is full of some pretty strong veteran posters who are so jaded all they EVER see is cheating. That's too bad. Just under a month and all you've gotten is 31 replies, almost all of them taking you to the cheating route, with no evidence.



themisplacedlover said:


> ...she says yet again that shes not in love with. But this time she said she hasn't been for a very long time. Said that she doesn't think that she was in love with me when we got married...


Pretty powerful revelation. Not an easy thing for her to say to you. And she's going to open that can of worms to cover cheating? Why not "I think I'm going through the change", or "I've just been a little depressed", or "sorry, it's not you, it's me". Instead of any of those easy stalls, it's "my entire life with you has been a lie". Someone needs to give her some pointers on gaslighting I guess.



themisplacedlover said:


> I want to stay with her but every weekend that I go home I afraid that shes gonna tell me it's not going to work out.


5 years ago my wife was my life. I though I was hers. The revelation of her even kissing another man back then would have sent me into a suicidal tailspin. Life without her? Forget it. But guess what? I had to face the reality. She was gone. Sounds like yours is. Implement the 180 immediately. It is hard and not for the faint of heart. It took me years to detach from my wife. If she walked in and told me she was leaving me now, I'd ask her if she could make one last beer run for me first. 

Women fall out of love with their husbands just as often as they have affairs. Maybe more so. Your wife told you what the problem is. It fits her behavior. Maybe you should listen to her.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Even if she is cheating, the 180 has to be done anyhow. Read up. Just ignore the parts about her coming back when she sees the new you. It doesn't work that way.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

themisplacedlover said:


> And yesterday I found out that she has been with around 50 guys before me. When we got together she said she was with 12. .


aka trickle truth. She may not be cheating, but she is being disloyal to the marriage which means much the same thing for you. Cheating with a lover is only one flavor of many in marital disloyalty. 

Keep monitoring and implement the 180 to salvage your self esteem. Consider where your line in the sand will be. Do not engage in self demeaning behavior to get her back, you'll regret it if you do.


----------



## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

4 is the new 7
From Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langley:
Helen Fisher theorizes that humans originally evolved a four year breeding cycle. If this is true, then the feelings we experience in our romantic relationships are in sync with our breeding cycle.
In Mean Genes, the authors state, “Our divorce patterns also
reflect sexual issues. Contrary to the popular notion of a sevenyear-itch, people are most likely to divorce in the fourth year of marriage. This four-year-itch is scratched across more than sixty radically different cultures.”3
With these things in mind, one could speculate that continuing
a sexually exclusive relationship with the same partner for more than four years is unnatural. In The Myth of Monogamy, the authors point out, “…Among most monogamous mammals, sexual behavior is neither especially frequent nor especially fervent. …In most species, when the pair-bond is well established, relatively little energy is expended on sex…”
This would explain the disinterest in sex that many women
today are experiencing.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Even if she is cheating, the 180 has to be done anyhow. Read up. Just ignore the parts about her coming back when she sees the new you. It doesn't work that way.


If his wife is not cheating, him interacting with her according to the 180 for betrayed spouses can be the thing that put the final nail in the coffin for their marriage. 

From the sounds of it, the marriage was in trouble before he started to travel. Now that he's gone a lot she is losing her bond with him.

When a person feels like they do not love their spouse, the will generally say that they never loved their spouse. It has to do with the way Oxytocin plays with the mind. When Oxytocin levels are low in a person, memories of love and attachment seem to fade. 

The OP needs to spend a lot of quality time with his wife. I would suggest that he and his wife read and do the work called out in the book "His Needs, Her Needs".


----------



## themisplacedlover (Sep 25, 2014)

Ok so just got done talking to my wife and she said that after the first of the year she wants to try a trial separation. I knew this was coming but even with knowing that it still hurts a lot. Cause I asked her if she thought that we have a chance of making it. And she said right now no. I would like to try a trial separation after the holidays, but said that right now she doesn't want anything permanent. And they way I think is that if it does go to permanent status that she won't be losing much cause she doesn't really love me. But I will lose everything.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

themisplacedlover said:


> I asked her if she thought that we have a chance of making it.


And...there is the gist of your problem.

You don't ASK.

You TELL her what YOU require.

Women have to respect their men. Or they will leave them, or cheat on them.

You are not doing anything worth respecting.


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

separation? sounds like separation caused the problems. how can you work on the problems when you're not together?

sigh...make sure you clarify if this is a 'dating' separation or a celibate separation.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, you have made exactly 4 posts here and a lot seems to be happening in between these posts. Here are my observations:


In your first post you got the ILYBNILWY statement from your wife. To many here this would suggest that she had found someone else and was trying to justify her cheating. However, she seemed unsure (or at least that was your perception of it) and came back and said that she was, in fact, in love with you but you seemed to imply that she was scared of you leaving. Later in the same post you say that she changed her mind again and now told you that she hasn't been in love with you for a very long time - despite being married for 4 years with 2 kids. So this then concluded with you "stepping up your game" to try and "win her back". An important point that I noticed was that this flared up every time you went away and she had time to think. Not for the betterment of the marriage but about how she didn't love you. This would be most worrying to me.

The second post was that you suddenly decided to check to see if she was cheating after being sure in the first post that she wasn't - so what changed here ? Also she drops a bomb shell on you about being with around "around" 50 guys instead of the 12 she told you ("around" implying that there were so many she doesn't have an exact number). And you have only been with one other with whom you had an even longer relationship than with your wife. So as others have said, she was never without men and this probably should be seen as a red flag when you are away.

Your third post was about what you did to check on her and you went to some lengths in checking on her including cameras etc. which means your suspicions were running high at that time - why? However you indicated that you did not find anything and were still trying to make her fall back in love with you - despite the fact that she did not give you any concrete things to work with or concrete reasons for falling out of love with you. Impossible task for you.

And your fourth post was about details that she went into with you about how to go about the "trial" separation. So again you clearly failed at uncovering anything including her reasons but are now discussing a separation while you are still in the dark as to what is going on. Again as others have said, separation during your travels seems to be partially what brought this on - so it doesn't sound like a good thing to do.
Now bearing all this in mind, here's what it looks like to me (and I could be and hope that I am completely wrong):


She likes men or being with men - always! When you are away, this is highlighted in her thinking. After four years with one man, having had many before and with the onus of being a mother and housewife, it might have got pretty stale and boring for her with you doing all the travelling and in her mind, having all the excitement.

She may well have acted on her thinking and found one (or more) other men. You may not have caught this and she may even be onto your investigations and hence you didn't catch anything. Wives can be pretty resourceful at taking things like this deep underground.

She is keeping you as a backup plan in case things don't work out with her "exploring her options" and a "trial separation" will give her the freedom to explore this kind of stuff with another man or men. If it doesn't work out she can come back to you. If it does then this trial separation is just a step on the way to a permanent separation. And this will be the case even if you agree to a celibate separation.
So be very careful here and lay down some boundaries - get to the route of the cause of the separation before you agree to it because once you agree, it might well be truly over before you even knew why. I kind of think things have been happening in between your posts and maybe you could give us an insight into what so as to be able to offer better advice.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

The light is not the end of the tunnel. It's an oncoming train. The separation is likely to make cheating easier.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Trial separations seldom help. You haven't been involved in an abusive relationship that might require distance to bring some calm into the equation. In your case separation allows her to feel less guilt and resistance by doing things in steps.

Right now you are mulling over the disturbing notion that your WAW had sex with many partners. She is used to swapping, upgrading, demoting, trading in, moving on, getting over, refreshing, etc. If she never loved you, then essentially she is saying she settled for you because you provided security. But security is not turning her on.

Would you like her to be in love with you, more in love than when you married? The chances are poor. The best shot you have is to do the following:

1) 180 read about it
2) work out
3) stop being emotionally needy. Easy to say, hard to do. But it will up your sex ranking
4) think about how your life is going to be better without her

Her subliminal desire is for the entertainment a new more alpha guy. Well, maybe you will find a better mate than her.

You ought to consider filing for divorce first and without telling her. Just hand her the papers and display indifference.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

All signs point to her being a cheater.

You should take charge of the situaiton and make all the decisions regarding your life, and not let a cheating liar call the shots for you.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

themisplacedlover said:


> But this time she said she hasn't been for a very long time. Said that she doesn't think that she was in love with me when we got married, and it none of this never occurred to her until recently.


Lame. Unless she is completely disconnected from her feelings, I doubt this is the case.




commonsenseisn't said:


> Here we go again.


Yep.

OP, it does sound like your wife may be involved iwth someone else which would explain the sudden change in her behavior towards you, the classic line of "I love you but I'm not in love with you," and the off/on with her saying she loves you then doesn't. 

She may not be having an affair but it sure does sound like someone is in her head at least.


----------



## themisplacedlover (Sep 25, 2014)

Ok so talked to her again and she confirmed that she wants to seperate after the first of the year. And I asked her what she thinks that that would accomplish, she said that she doesn't know but is afraid that if we stay living together that she will end up hating me. But she also said that she wants this to be permanent, cause she said she will most likely never love me again. We got into a big fight about it, and I don't know what to do at this point besides leave.


----------



## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

themisplacedlover said:


> Ok so talked to her again and she confirmed that she wants to seperate after the first of the year. And I asked her what she thinks that that would accomplish, she said that she doesn't know but is afraid that if we stay living together that she will end up hating me. But she also said that she wants this to be permanent, cause she said she will most likely never love me again. We got into a big fight about it, and I don't know what to do at this point besides leave.


Have you checked out if she's cheating?


----------



## SailBadTheSinner (Apr 7, 2014)

Don't leave. When The SHTF she'll claim abandonment. protect yourself and your relationship with kids. Separate finances. Change banks and open a personal account. Cancel credit cards. File for divorce now. 

OP if you put your head in the sand your butt will be exposed and you will get a royal buggering. Just think of the situation where you're paying spousal and child support while the little lady and your kids live and relate with the other man or four.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I don't usually believe in separation. There are some times it may be appropriate, but seldom. This is not one of them. If she wants out, then tell her to file for divorce. She will find that her world is going to radically change. 
Do not leave the house. That will put you in a worse position. It is considered one of the worst mistakes a man can make when it comes to divorce and child custody issues.
Despite your traveling, you could still get a good custody arrangement if you play your cards right.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your going to have to accept the fact that she is free to leave.

What is your course of action?

Are you going to find out if she is cheating on you?

She already changed the way she feels about you in the past, from loving to not loving you at all.

She is lying, and when someone usually lies, they usually have something to hide.

Your hiding your head in the sand and kicking out wildly without a clue.

I would definitely protect my finances by separating bank accounts, and taking my names of them, and close any joints accounts of any kind.

Don't leave the home either.

Start detaching, and and you won't be ruled by emotions.

Right now she is pulling away, and you become more clingy and needy.

Look at your actions and see how weak they are.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

themisplacedlover said:


> Ok so talked to her again and she confirmed that she wants to seperate after the first of the year. And I asked her what she thinks that that would accomplish, she said that she doesn't know but is afraid that if we stay living together that she will end up hating me. But she also said that she wants this to be permanent, cause she said she will most likely never love me again. We got into a big fight about it, and I don't know what to do at this point besides leave.


 The odds are against you, but the best chance that you now have to save this marriage is to man up and take control. Tell her that you do not want to be married to someone that is not in love with you. That you know that there is someone out there that would wake up everyday thanking God that they found you in their life, and that you now know that this person is not her. Tell her that instead of wasting time with a separation, you want to go straight to divorce, and that you want to file now instead of waiting until the end of the year. Tell her that the reason that you want to hurry things up is because you have never cheated on her, and want the divorce to be final so that you can start dating and looking for someone that would appreciate being married to you. Tell her that you want to maximize your time with the children and that you will therefore not move out until the divorce is final, but will instead agree to an in-home separation; either a no touch rule in bed, or separate beds. 

I would also tell her that now that you have accepted that the marriage is over, it would make things easier on you if she would do the compassionate thing and just be honest with you. I would then tell her that studies show that when their are affairs, it is the lying that hurts the spouse the most. After you say this, look her in the eyes and ask her "are you in love with him?" If you want a chance at the truth, it is important that after you ask this question that you shut up. Do not explain or justify the question. It is human nature to want to break a silence during a conversation, but no matter how long the silence, let her be the one that breaks it. Notice that I did not ask her if there is another man, but instead if she was in love with the other man. I did this because for a verity of reasons she is more likely to answer this question truthfully. You only get one chance at doing this right.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

themisplacedlover said:


> Ok so talked to her again and she confirmed that she wants to seperate after the first of the year. And I asked her what she thinks that that would accomplish, she said that she doesn't know but is afraid that if we stay living together that she will end up hating me. But she also said that she wants this to be permanent, cause she said she will most likely never love me again. We got into a big fight about it, and *I don't know what to do* at this point besides leave.


DO THIS!!!

The 180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

And you still have no clue as to why ….

Did you do any proper stealth work to find the OM ?

Anyway, you are already as good as divorced so do it properly. As others have told you, there is no such thing as separation - its just giving her funded support to cheat/do whatever she wants.

Now drop this "what can I do, what can I do …" stance and get going. If you want to know why - VARs, PI, keyboard logger etc (see Weightlifters thread on evidence gathering) - at best this will give you closure, help you to move on and maybe some leverage in negotiating terms of divorce (custody etc).


----------



## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

thenub said:


> Look at it this way.... Out of the 50 guys she was with. She chose to marry you. That should count for something?


It absolutely shtts me to fcuking tears every time I see someone say this.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

themisplacedlover said:


> Ok so talked to her again and she confirmed that she wants to seperate after the first of the year. And I asked her what she thinks that that would accomplish, she said that she doesn't know but is afraid that if we stay living together that she will end up hating me. But she also said that she wants this to be permanent, cause she said she will most likely never love me again. We got into a big fight about it, and I don't know what to do at this point besides leave.


In almost every case the person who asks for a separation soon tries another person out (i.e. sex). This is often what prompted the separation in the first place, that way it does not "seem" like cheating to them.

I have seen it often that it turns out not to be what they expect they then make you into plan "B" saying "Oh I made the biggest mistake of my life" at that point they are treating you like a commodity and making their best deal. 

BTW if there is no male attention involved from some interloper, then she is already treating you like a commodity to be traded with.

I would tell her that since she thinks it will be permanent that the two of you will just divorce and that you will stay in the home till it gets worked out in the divorce.

DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!

You cannot change her, but you can push her away or attract her, maybe.

Strong, confident, having options and a plan/future are things that women generally find attractive, start working on yourself now, do it for yourself, and what ever women you are with will stay attracted.

Join a gym, get a social life, and hobbies.
I wish you well.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I smell an EA that is about to or went PA within the last 60 days.


----------

