# Husband had Emotional Affair/Outed Him to His Family



## whatisheupto? (Mar 5, 2014)

Need some feedback...I originally posted here about 3 weeks ago regarding uncovering what I consider to be an EA between my husband and our personal banker. He corresponded with her via Snapchat (untraceable) and Facebook (deleted messages so I could not see them) for about 3 months. I happened to find an undeleted FB message between them revealing that he went to her house the night before for a disputed length of time - I say at least an hour, he says less time than that, but I say, who cares - He had NO BUSINESS at another woman's house late at night, let alone flirting with her electronically and in person behind my back! SO - I outed him to his 2 brothers and their wives. We are a very close-knit family and they came down on him pretty hard this morning. He called me from his office, and is furious with me for outing him. He says we should keep our problems to ourselves - I say I am tired of dealing with this alone and we BOTH need the support of his family because obviously our marriage in crisis. Let me also mention that - 2 years ago - I uncovered a similar EA between him and a MARRIED woman he met at my son's soccer practices. He texted her over 700 times in one month (and she texted him BACK over 700 times in one month) and she sent VERY inappropriate pictures of herself to him. I told no-one except my therapist, and I decided to forgive him and put it behind me. I never brought it up again, until 3 weeks ago when I uncovered this most recent EA. He INSISTS he has not physically cheated on me. I have gotten WONDERFUL advice from this site regarding how I should proceed (hire lawyer/file for D/ etc and I am working through those decisions) but right now, I am looking for your thoughts on whether I should have outed him to his family?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yes you did the right thing in exposing.
Looking back now I'm sure you realize you rugswept the first time.
There are consequences for his actions and boo hoo if he doesn't like it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

He was over at her house?
This may be way more than an ea imo.

Tell him you set up a polygraph test for him then see if you get the rest of the story.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He's a repeat offender, apparently, so outing him is probably appropriate. Whether it will help fix things is another question. He may be too angry and upset because of this to want to work it out and reconcile. Of course, if that's not what you want, it doesn't matter.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Of course you should have exposed him; just like you should have done the last time. I can't say with certainty that this wouldn't have happened if you had exposed him before. But I can say he would have likely thought twice about it.

More often than not, a lack of consequences to the CS, will come home to roost. Don't rug sweep his latest episode.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

You need to go into full snoop mode right now and put off any and all decisions immediately.

Also you need to start ignoring him completely until you have more information so that you can make an informed decision.

Outing him was the right thing to do but everything may go underground so you may not be able to find out the real truth.

Stop talking to him about it. In fact stop talking to him about anything and everything you possibly can. Only talk to him when you absolutely have to.

If he is deleting the facebook messages and using untraceable communications then hid a few VARS in his car and anywhere you can that you know he has conversations. They will not be admissible in court but they are for your knowledge. Also install a key logger on his computer. I don't know what you can do about the phone.

I've never had to do those things, though, so I don't know how you would actually do them. Try google or find one of the folks who have had to actually experience that. Everyone around here is super helpful.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You absolutely did the right thing. Point out to him that the first time he cheated you DIDN'T out him, and that was his one and only chance to keep it private, and HE blew it.

He's the one who did something wrong - that's why he doesn't want anyone else to know. Don't let him gaslight you.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Good work. Perfect people to expose to. He can bullsh!t a lot of people, but brothers have a great bullsh!t meter. He may be able to lie, they will see right through it.

Keep digging. Where there is smoke there is fire.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Also, by not outing him the last time, you let the last OW off the hook.

If I were here Husband, I would have wanted to know. Just like you want to know now.

She pobably picked right up where she lift off after you stopped(did he stop?...) him. And who knows, if hre husaband had contacted you, he may have shed more light on the matter back then...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When there is inappropriate chatting, texts, etc, and then a physical meeting in the OW's house, there was sex. No ifs, an's or but's.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> When there is inappropriate chatting, texts, etc, and then a physical meeting in the OW's house, there was sex. No ifs, an's or but's.


my thoughts too.
if they've been sexting a lot, they won't be meeting up to talk about the latest episode of the walking dead.
they got together and it was go time.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> When there is inappropriate chatting, texts, etc, and then a physical meeting in the OW's house, there was sex. No ifs, an's or but's.


I tend to agree. This isn't Junior High.

At the very least the current evidence suggests it; and you would be wise to assume it; unless he can prove otherwise - and I don't see any way that he can.

I'm not suggesting that you insist he take a polygraph; but it wouldn't hurt to ask him if he'd be willing to. Then watch his reaction. I'd be shocked if he agreed. If he doesn't, just one more thing to consider.


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## Want2babettrme (May 17, 2013)

You should expose her at work also. Send a certified return receipt requested letter to her immediate supervisor, the HR manager and the bank president. You may even want to include wording to the effect that, in case you and WH divorce, the Bank may be named in the filing. Her actions are totally unethical, and I can think of no reputable financial institution that would condone an EA/PA relationship between a married client and the bank's employee. 

That will take care of her pronto. Will also send a message to your WH.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

I was about to say the same thing as want2 just said but a phone call got in the way and he beat me to it.

Do exactly as he suggested and expose her as well. What she is doing is awful and her bank needs to be made aware of what she is doing with her clients. Bust her sorry a$$ as soon as you can.

BE a woman scorned and set this thing on fire.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

whatisheupto? said:


> Need some feedback...I originally posted here about 3 weeks ago regarding uncovering what I consider to be an EA between my husband and our personal banker. He corresponded with her via Snapchat (untraceable) and Facebook (deleted messages so I could not see them) for about 3 months. I happened to find an undeleted FB message between them revealing that he went to her house the night before for a disputed length of time - I say at least an hour, he says less time than that, but I say, who cares - He had NO BUSINESS at another woman's house late at night, let alone flirting with her electronically and in person behind my back! SO - I outed him to his 2 brothers and their wives. We are a very close-knit family and they came down on him pretty hard this morning. He called me from his office, and is furious with me for outing him. He says we should keep our problems to ourselves - I say I am tired of dealing with this alone and we BOTH need the support of his family because obviously our marriage in crisis. Let me also mention that - 2 years ago - I uncovered a similar EA between him and a MARRIED woman he met at my son's soccer practices. He texted her over 700 times in one month (and she texted him BACK over 700 times in one month) and she sent VERY inappropriate pictures of herself to him. I told no-one except my therapist, and I decided to forgive him and put it behind me. I never brought it up again, until 3 weeks ago when I uncovered this most recent EA. He INSISTS he has not physically cheated on me. I have gotten WONDERFUL advice from this site regarding how I should proceed (hire lawyer/file for D/ etc and I am working through those decisions) but right now, I am looking for your thoughts on whether I should have outed him to his family?


Where the heck are all these willing women? I've never came across or have been propositioned by a single or married woman at all during my marriage. Am I just walking around with blinders or am I naive and don't see it? Heck, where are these woman now?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> *Where the heck are all these willing women? I've never came across or have been propositioned by a single or married woman at all during my marriage.* Am I just walking around with blinders or am I naive and don't see it? Heck, where are these woman now?


That's because you're a decent guy. They can sniff out the scuzzballs that want to cheat.

The right eye contact, certain phrases, or body languge that only the less honerable guys would pick up on and reciprocate to.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

I am not a big friend of exposing and exposing someone at the workplace is very mean. That's revenge and revenge helps no one. 
(There are actually studies that people who can forgive can cope better)
You cannot force your husband to stop cheating. Either he stops because he wants to stop (grows up) or he won't. It is his work to stop cheating and pushing from outside might even do the contrary. 
The important thing is that you not only giving him the message that you will not put up with this, the important thing is that you are emotionally and otherwise ready to leave (or kick him out) if that goes on.
IMO exposing diminishes the chances that he himself starts to act as a grown up. You put him back into the position of a little boy caught stealing cookies. Yes he did not act like a grown up, but you can tell him either he will or you're out.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

appletree said:


> I am not a big friend of exposing and exposing someone at the workplace is very mean. That's revenge and revenge helps no one.
> (There are actually studies that people who can forgive can cope better)
> You cannot force your husband to stop cheating. Either he stops because he wants to stop (grows up) or he won't. It is his work to stop cheating and pushing from outside might even do the contrary.
> The important thing is that you not only giving him the message that you will not put up with this, the important thing is that you are emotionally and otherwise ready to leave (or kick him out) if that goes on.
> IMO exposing diminishes the chances that he himself starts to act as a grown up. You put him back into the position of a little boy caught stealing cookies. Yes he did not act like a grown up, but you can tell him either he will or you're out.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

appletree said:


> I am not a big friend of exposing and exposing someone at the workplace is very mean.


The OW and the OP's cheating husband certainly didn't think about who they were being mean to. Actions have consequences. 

To the OP: You were right to expose. Rugsweeping the first incident didn't serve you well, so this time you are making your husband face consequences. That is the right thing to do. You should not protect his secrets and you should not shield him from the consequences of his actions.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

appletree said:


> IMO exposing diminishes the chances that he himself starts to act as a grown up.


 I disagree with this statement. Cheaters are in a fog where they create a false reality about their spouses that helps them justify their cheating. When it is just the cheater and the other woman against just the spouse standing all alone, they have her outgunned 2 to 1 so it is easy to maintain this false reality. When you bring in other people that the cheater trusts, in this case his own family, it is much more difficulty for him to deny the truth of the situation. Bringing in the family is a time honored way of dealing with such things. I think that doing this as a last ditch effort to try to save the marraige prior to filing for divorce is a good and wise thing to do.


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## Finding Nemo (Oct 30, 2012)

SF-FAN said:


> Where the heck are all these willing women? I've never came across or have been propositioned by a single or married woman at all during my marriage. Am I just walking around with blinders or am I naive and don't see it? Heck, where are these woman now?



If you are still looking for one, I have one to send your way. She's a little skanky, smokes a lot of pot, has to take controlled substances in order to maintain her own sanity, selfish beyond any definition you would find in the dictionary and as my husband so lovingly says about her now - she's beyond nuts and needs a lot of help. I'll even pay for the one way ticket, no refunds or returns airfare in order to send her to you.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

*Don't let him snow you. You caught him and he knows it. * He wouldn't be spending time with another woman in her home late at night just to discuss the weather, or whatever ridiculous excuse he came up with to justify being someplace he *definitely should not have been*. He might not have gone to bed with her (then again, who knows) but I'm dead sure there was a lot more than just chatting going on in that house. He just never expected that you would find out about it. The ball's in your court. How are you going to handle this?


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

I support your decision to expose him...If he can't do the time maybe he'll learn not to do the crime...


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

As the other poster suggested you should out her to the bank.they might want to check her accounts for any "discrepancies".


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

The thing about exposure is a tricky thing some people do it thinking they will get suppot or in hopes of shedding light in their maritial problems to others. The thing you have to keep in perspective is that although he messed up and depending on how they take it he is still part of their family and blood (at times) is thicker than water, just prepare yourself if after ahwhile things wane off a bit and that support system is not as strong. Exposure does not always work and it does not always work the way WE want it to. As long as you bare that in mind no matter what happens, you will be fine. And you did the right thing since he already has a history of having EA's. 

However I don't think he is telling you the whole truth. There is a good possibility that he slept with her. The dirty truth about exposure like someone pointed out is that if your going to do it you have to smart about it, and just because you expose they will either snap out of it or not. The cold hard dirty truth is people want to expose out of revenge a tiny part has to do with the act but most of it is motivation (which is completely normal) when somone cheats on you you feel no pun intended cheated and betrayed and the gravity of that betrayl is so great and heavy that the gut reaction is to do something drastic weather if it be exposure, slashing someone's tires, or have a revenge affair and in some cases nothing at all. Another touchy thing is work place especially if you decide to divorce and if he gets fired because of how you expose to his work place then you have to pay the piper. Is it fair? No of course not but that is how things are. You really need to be careful in not only exposure but HOW you expose. Because at the end of day whatever choice you make you have to live with them we don't. And the other thing is trying to figure out if you want to R, or not. that will take some time. I wish you well and the very best and you are handeling it very well. 

-Krismimo


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

appletree said:


> I am not a big friend of exposing and exposing someone at the workplace is very mean. That's revenge and revenge helps no one.
> (There are actually studies that people who can forgive can cope better)
> You cannot force your husband to stop cheating. Either he stops because he wants to stop (grows up) or he won't. It is his work to stop cheating and pushing from outside might even do the contrary.
> The important thing is that you not only giving him the message that you will not put up with this, the important thing is that you are emotionally and otherwise ready to leave (or kick him out) if that goes on.
> IMO exposing diminishes the chances that he himself starts to act as a grown up. You put him back into the position of a little boy caught stealing cookies. Yes he did not act like a grown up, but you can tell him either he will or you're out.


On the contrary, I am a huge fan of exposing and forgiving. They can go hand in hand. Expose big time, the A ends, then if you want to R you work on forgiving.

The studies on forgiveness leading to better coping is correct, but it has nothing whatsoever to do with exposing.

Exposing is a separate issue.

Revenge is also a separate issue. A person can take revenge and later forgive.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

"That's revenge and revenge helps no one."

Nonsense!!!! That is total BS, revenge can feel GREAT! Exact as much as you can, if you let people get away with screwing you over, they will continue to screw you over.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Exposure was the worst thing I could have ever done! Huge regret on my part! 

~sammy


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Rubicon said:


> "That's revenge and revenge helps no one."
> 
> Nonsense!!!! That is total BS, revenge can feel GREAT! Exact as much as you can, if you let people get away with screwing you over, they will continue to screw you over.


That is bitterness speaking. You don't cut your nose off to spite your face. There is a difference between standing up for yourself, manning up, not letting anyone walk all over you and revenge.

Revenge can lead to a cycle of hurting each other and doing nothing but hurting each other. It is not the wise path to choose for a multitude of reasons.

Now the fact that I almost beat the living hell out of the OM, I don't consider that revenge, I consider that a reckoning. Having a revenge affair will only lower you. It will not lift you up.

(I'm not saying revenge doesn't make you feel better initially, but the consequences can be extreme. I would eschew from that path if I were you.)


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> Exposure was the worst thing I could have ever done! Huge regret on my part!
> 
> ~sammy


You should never regret bringing out the truth. It is better than living a lie. I am sorry your exposure did not work out for you but for many many people here it helped tremendously. It gives the BS a sense of empowerment that they did not have when they were beaten down by the affair.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I think exposure is stupid. it between you and your spouse. What do you get by exposing? BTW my wife had a three year EA only one I confided in was my own sister for advice.

Sometimes laundry should not be aired in public... better to spend time figuring out your part in him being susceptible to an affair. The fact he did this twice means you handled it wrong originally.

I'm sorry but this just smells as some sort of payback rather than fixing the issue in your marriage.

Believe me his family already knew. They could see the signs.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I think exposure is stupid. it between you and your spouse. What do you get by exposing? BTW my wife had a three year EA only one I confided in was my own sister for advice.
> 
> Sometimes laundry should not be aired in public... better to spend time figuring out your part in him being susceptible to an affair. The fact he did this twice means you handled it wrong originally.
> 
> ...


totally disagree.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> totally disagree.


Nice..I agree with my own opinion on the matter


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

3putt said:


>


:rofl:


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

I think it is a subtle but important distinction to note that you should NOT in any way be on the defensive. At all. You have done nothing wrong and him trying to scold you for the social shame he has brought on himself is nothing but a red herring logical fallacy.

Be strong. Be willing to walk and remember you have value outside of the relationship. If you want to have any hope of fixing your marriage, he MUST respect you; he can only respect you when you demand respect and you respect yourself.

Add me to the list of voices that KNOW they had sex.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I think exposure is stupid. it between you and your spouse. What do you get by exposing? BTW my wife had a three year EA only one I confided in was my own sister for advice.
> 
> Sometimes laundry should not be aired in public... better to spend time figuring out your part in him being susceptible to an affair. The fact he did this twice means you handled it wrong originally.
> 
> ...


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

I can see your point MovingAhead, and I don't recommend an affair, revenge or otherwise, for anyone. That was not my point at all. 

What I am saying pertains to exposure as we are discussing it here. I'm sure you don't mean to put words in my mouth but I do feel I have to be clear as you seem to have taken what I posted out of context a little.

I'm not talking about keying cars or committing assault (although that in some circumstances has it's value) or otherwise breaking the law. But letting people know that someone is a slug is just fine and you do get to keep the upper hand. Exposure is a good thing.

Exposure works wonders in a lot of situations where someone is depending on secrecy in order to manipulate. If you live an honest life exposure is no threat but for those hiding in the shadows you can get a lot of mileage out of it.

Trying2figureitout, you haven't yet. What you propose is called rug sweeping around here and it leaves the adulterer without consequences which are required in order to seriously deter a WWS. If you become a conspirator with your WWS then expect to find yourself going through it again and again. If her first affair lasted three years and you helped her keep it a secret, how long do you figure the second affair is going to last?

Night all, and remember, always keep your stick on the ice......


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