# wives & porn



## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

simplified question: why do wives watch porn?

I know people would say, well for the same reason as men do, but to me, it's not that simple. It's not very womanly behavior and has been considered socially taboo for a long time.

This dates back to about an year ago when I was using her laptop (I never really do). I opened firefox browser to only to find 'Live Jasmine" pop-up minimized in the corner. I know well enough that you only get this pop-up from adult sites. Another give away for a separate occasion was that when I checked her browser history, the category for 'today' was not present at all. I know for sure that she used her laptop that day, so the only logical explanation is she manually deleted the entire today history. 

After having our 2nd child who is 2 now, our intimacy is near non-existent. If I am lucky we do something once every 2 months for like 15 minutes at most each time. She says the biggest issues are: 1) she's tired from working full-time night shift (she's a nurse working 12 hrs at a time) 2) I am not emotionally supportive of her. If she works weekend when I am home, I make sure kids don't bother her in the morning so she can get as much sleep as possible and I've been putting up with 100% of all her nitpicking, irrational irritation, criticism and do 100% of vacumming, scrubbing, laundry, dish washing, feeding and taking kids to school (she does cooking, grocery shopping, kid pick-up, etc..).

I dug up her temp internet file to find cookies from adult sites. It didn't appear that she visits them alot but maybe once every 2 weeks or so. I don't know if she always had this habit or developed one recently.

I honestly don't mind if she watches them, but it is kind of slap in the face when she doesn't want to do anything with me but resort to watching people having sex.

On several occasions I asked her if she's bored of me or whether we should 'spice things up" but she says we are fine. 

She doesn't neglect taking care of kids and do talk to me alot about her work and stuff, so I don't really think she's cheating or anything, but I really want to know why she watches them.

After not engaging her for about 6 months, I finally let her know what I know and she says she won't talk about it because she feels that I am just trying to embarrass her. 

P.S. she caught my porn when we were dating and went berserk one time, yelling at me for like a week straight. 

Your input would be apprciated!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Many a tired spouse has used porn to masturbate for the no muss, no fuss orgasm that comes from solo sex.

In other words, sometimes a person just wants to get off without having to deal with the needs of their partner.


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## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

Thank you for the reply. I am just weirded out I guess.. because this is not an issue I've ever thought I'd face, I am just worried that this is going to damage our relationship beyond repair in the long run.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Many a tired spouse has used porn to masturbate for the no muss, no fuss orgasm that comes from solo sex.
> 
> In other words, sometimes a person just wants to get off without having to deal with the needs of their partner.


Look.....

If you think you can write this one liner and run, your are sadly mistaken!

This guy needs help from the ladies, not a quick hand job.....hand off job.
Without some more information from the OP, i will AGAIN fire from the hip.

On the surface of this moving marital cinema, it seems that the wife is starting the long running show.

One that starts with strong passionate love....... to the lines in the play, "I love you, but I am not in love with you".

The fire went out.

Then this: Nurses see a lot of crap during the day, literally and figuratively. It is a demanding job.
A stressful job. And many take the stress home with them.
And many do not make it home before some affair or two waylays them. It is a cheaters paradise.

This may be a phase, it may be a point on the circle.
The nearing of...
The Nadir.

You can now see the downward arc in your' relationship. Once it reaches that low point, will it climb back up..or sputter out.
*Be prepared to keep it going*. 
Give the marital pendulum a whack, not letting the 'tick tock' go silent.

Be prepared to watch it fall from sight. 
A once good marriage, a memory on the dust bin of Yesterdays.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

DaveinOC said:


> Thank you for the reply. I am just weirded out I guess.. because this is not an issue I've ever thought I'd face, I am just worried that this is going to damage our relationship beyond repair in the long run.


Porn is a problem if your needs aren't being met.

I suggest you read MMSLP Married Mans Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay

and NMMNG No MOre Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Since you're going the detective route, it would be interesting to know what kind of porn is getting her off. Is it sappy "couples" stuff with gauzy filters and rose petals, or is it more rough hyper-masculine "take me now" or 50 shades of grey scenario? Regardless, you should decide if you'd rather judge her for her fantasies or co-opt them. 

As an overworked nurse with small kids, her caretaking capacity is probably exhausted, so I'm guessing she probably responds to things that reverse that script. I don't know if that's simply feeling cared for in turn, or being dominated by someone who doesn't resemble her needy patients and kids, or some mix of the 2. Whatever it is, you need to ensure you are attractive to her and respected by her. 

It sounds like you've tried being the considerate caretaker and sympathetic ear already, so I'd be inclined to recommend actions that constructively affirm your masculinity and independence. You can be supportive without being a doormat or accepting situations that don't work for you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I think a lot of wives want to be desired and they like to imagine themselves as being desired like the women in porn. I also think this can account for how some of them go off the rails and are willing to do all manor of sexual deviance to get that feeling. My feeling would be if she is really continually watching it you can get upset or you talk to her about it, what she gets out of it, try to provide that for her if you can.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

When our kids were 4 & 2 (they're 18 & 19 now) I was exhausted, at times overwhelmed, with the demands of motherhood, marriage, and career. I always enjoyed sex, but it became less (and less!) frequent. It just wasn't on my mind, and was becoming increasingly difficult to get my mind there. Throw in some resentment within our marriage at the time, and things slowed down even more. 

Being "responsive desire" (very common for women, you may want to look into techniques if your wife is as well) I DID view porn to jump start things. It worked...but I'd "save" the arousal for my husband (usually lol). Neither one of us ever wanted duty sex. I felt it was important to take responsibility for keeping my libido up and running and porn was what I chose to use. Fortunately it was temporary.

That being said, porn really isn't/wasn't my thing. I can see the rationale and usefulness, but I much prefer my husband knowing how to keep things hot between us. 15 years later and with work on both of our sides, things are better. From reading here on TAM it seems improvement is rare. Which is very sad to me.

I hope this helps give you some insight as to why your wife may be viewing porn. She probably IS embarrassed by it, and that you've called her out on it. Tread carefully there. If you are able to approach this with kindness and creativity you may be able to turn this into an opportunity. Buy her some erotic reading, highlight what you'd like to try.


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## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

Don't Panic said:


> When our kids were 4 & 2 (they're 18 & 19 now) I was exhausted, at times overwhelmed, with the demands of motherhood, marriage, and career. I always enjoyed sex, but it became less (and less!) frequent. It just wasn't on my mind, and was becoming increasingly difficult to get my mind there. Throw in some resentment within our marriage at the time, and things slowed down even more.
> 
> Being "responsive desire" (very common for women, you may want to look into techniques if your wife is as well) I DID view porn to jump start things. It worked...but I'd "save" the arousal for my husband (usually lol). Neither one of us ever wanted duty sex. I felt it was important to take responsibility for keeping my libido up and running and porn was what I chose to use. Fortunately it was temporary.
> 
> ...


thanks for the comment. this kind of gave me a different perspective to think about and kind of alleviated my worries. I guess I will try to find out what gets her hot


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## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

Phil Anders said:


> Since you're going the detective route, it would be interesting to know what kind of porn is getting her off. Is it sappy "couples" stuff with gauzy filters and rose petals, or is it more rough hyper-masculine "take me now" or 50 shades of grey scenario? Regardless, you should decide if you'd rather judge her for her fantasies or co-opt them.
> 
> As an overworked nurse with small kids, her caretaking capacity is probably exhausted, so I'm guessing she probably responds to things that reverse that script. I don't know if that's simply feeling cared for in turn, or being dominated by someone who doesn't resemble her needy patients and kids, or some mix of the 2. Whatever it is, you need to ensure you are attractive to her and respected by her.
> 
> It sounds like you've tried being the considerate caretaker and sympathetic ear already, so I'd be inclined to recommend actions that constructively affirm your masculinity and independence. You can be supportive without being a doormat or accepting situations that don't work for you.


this kinda made me chuckle, but that is an excellent point. Actually I did examine some things she was into. In addition to lack of intimacy between us, what kind of bothered me was the fact that she was only into 1 type of material. My wife and I are of the same race, but different ethnicity. She was exclusively watching stuff from her own country that got me wondering whether 1) she was fantasizing to be someone that relatable OR 2) she was fantasizing about men of her ethnicity. #2 got me wondering and I did ask her semi jokingly if she preferred if I were from her country. Of course she denied this but it kinda lingers in my mind. She was kind of into soft-taboo material (not like incest or anything) but neighbor fantasy, etc.. 

One thing I learned from investigating is that she does like it a bit rough. She likes to be squeezed pretty firmly on certain places and hair pulled.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

There are a lot of people who get off to porn but don't seek out sex with their partner. Sometimes it's because they just want to get off but don't want sex necessarily. Sometimes they do want sex but not with their partner for various reasons. But many of them just aren't that sexual, period. Wanting to get off to porn is not an indication of also wanting sex.

Some porn users want sex but can't get it, or they do get it but also watch plenty of porn on top of having sex. 

Doesn't sound like your wife is in that category, she's in the first one.

So either she doesn't want sex at all or she doesn't want it with you.

Either way, the porn isn't the problem. It's her sexuality or her attraction to you that's the problem. 

Was the sex good before kids? Or ever?


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## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> There are a lot of people who get off to porn but don't seek out sex with their partner. Sometimes it's because they just want to get off but don't want sex necessarily. Sometimes they do want sex but not with their partner for various reasons. But many of them just aren't that sexual, period. Wanting to get off to porn is not an indication of also wanting sex.
> 
> Some porn users want sex but can't get it, or they do get it but also watch plenty of porn on top of having sex.
> 
> ...


yea, this was what's puzzling to me, she seems like shes not interested, but obviously has the drive. But this has gotten worse since our family drama involving my relatives and money few years back but I thought she'd be over it by now. 

when we were dating, we were about 70 miles apart but saw each other every weekend and always had sex. she got pregnant before marriage so I couldn't tell you how it was when we first got married. We didn't have sex at all while she was pregnant. She got pregnant with our 2nd child by the time we recovered from our first kid, so it was pretty inactive at that time too.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

DaveinOC said:


> yea, this was what's puzzling to me, she seems like shes not interested, but obviously has the drive. But this has gotten worse since our family drama involving my relatives and money few years back but I thought she'd be over it by now.
> 
> when we were dating, we were about 70 miles apart but saw each other every weekend and always had sex. she got pregnant before marriage so I couldn't tell you how it was when we first got married. We didn't have sex at all while she was pregnant. She got pregnant with our 2nd child by the time we recovered from our first kid, so it was pretty inactive at that time too.


Are you guys using reliable birth control? Is it possible she's afraid of getting pregnant again?


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## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

Fozzy said:


> Are you guys using reliable birth control? Is it possible she's afraid of getting pregnant again?


oh yea she'd getting terrified of getting pregnant. She never liked to be on the pills before but after our 2nd child, she uses them like her life is depended on it, but I don't think that's the reason because those few occasions we do stuff, she wants to make sure i go inside (she thinks this is hot)


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

DaveinOC said:


> this kinda made me chuckle, but that is an excellent point. Actually I did examine some things she was into. In addition to lack of intimacy between us, what kind of bothered me was the fact that she was only into 1 type of material. My wife and I are of the same race, but different ethnicity. She was exclusively watching stuff from her own country that got me wondering whether 1) she was fantasizing to be someone that relatable OR 2) she was fantasizing about men of her ethnicity. #2 got me wondering and I did ask her semi jokingly if she preferred if I were from her country. Of course she denied this but it kinda lingers in my mind. She was kind of into soft-taboo material (not like incest or anything) but neighbor fantasy, etc..
> 
> One thing I learned from investigating is that she does like it a bit rough. She likes to be squeezed pretty firmly on certain places and hair pulled.


It sounds like there are definitely clues to pick up on. You have to decide which elements are vital vs incidental. Then you can assess which of the essential things are within your repertoire. The ethnicity thing could be a direct turn-on--like a British accent, say--or it could be that the masculine behavioral norm in that culture incorporates something you aren't currently doing, but could adopt.

It would be easier if she were in tune with herself and transparent about it, but that may not be possible--and pursuing discussion from your current weaker position may be counterproductive. It will inevitably sound needy, and her answers may be confounded with what she thinks she "should" say. So I would DO, rather than ask, and gauge her actual visceral response rather than her words.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It does seem very unfair if she goes mad if you use it, but thinks its ok for her to. Also that sex is not happening but she watches porn. I can understand that you feel rejected by that.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think women watch porn for the same variety of reasons that men do. Its less common, but in the modern world not that unusual.

Have you tried seeing if she is willing to watch together? Tell her (and make it the truth) that you aren't bothered by her watching and you would like to know what sort of things turn her on.

There is a chance that there is something she wants that she is too embarrassed to admit but whih might be a fantasy that you can play to. If she lets you pick some things, you can also pick some lesbian porn (normal interest for guys) and see her reaction.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Honestly, OP, it sounds like there are some issues in your marriage aside from the somewhat rocky sex life and her occasional porn use. My guess, since she is using porn from time to time, is that she has a sex drive and is interested in sex. For whatever reason, what she's not into is sex _with you_. 

It seems like she might be carrying some resentment, just as you seem to be. So, there are some questions you might want to ask yourself - and maybe her - to try and figure out what she's resentful about. What kind of family drama and money issues did you have? What was done to resolve those issues? Why do you think she hasn't gotten over it yet, and why do you believe she should have? Are there other issues in your marriage that need to be addressed? How could they be addressed? What are you building resentment about, and how could those issues be resolved?

Also, it's really no wonder that she feels you're trying to embarrass her by bringing up her porn use. You said outright in your initial post on this thread that it's 'unwomanly'. It seems that you feel it's sleazy for her to view porn. I'm guessing she's aware of your views on that issue. But she also knows that you view porn yourself, or at least did early on in the relationship. Yes, she has a double standard - angry at your porn use, but now using it herself. But she's not the only one. Why is porn okay for you but not her? Is porn in general okay for guys but not for women?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

if she is watching porn and masturbating twice a month....that is certainly NOT a porn addiction. she probably just does it to relieve built up tension.

so, how about YOU be the tension reliever. Take up the art of body massage, get some new age music and oil, and give her a lot of body massages. See if she really gets into that.

How about hiring a maid to come in once a week, or once every other week? it only costs around $100 a shot, and will give her many days free of having to do housework!


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## Bianca Stella (Sep 26, 2017)

DaveinOC said:


> simplified question: why do wives watch porn?
> 
> I know people would say, well for the same reason as men do, but to me, it's not that simple. It's not very womanly behavior and has been considered socially taboo for a long time.
> 
> ...


 I smell revenge. Did you do something to her? Do you also watch it? Could she be still hurt about it? Check her text messages, email if you can. How can you stay married to someone who doesn?t want to have sex with you? I keep reading about that on here. I just can?t believe it. Me in the other hand hate the fact that my husband masturbates still after all the sex we have during the week thur-sun. Maybr there could be someone else in your case, a hot doctor? Keep your eyes peeled!


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

DaveinOC said:


> simplified question: why do wives watch porn?
> 
> I know people would say, well for the same reason as men do, but to me, it's not that simple. It's not very womanly behavior and has been considered socially taboo for a long time.
> 
> ...


I would be less bothered by the fact that she watches porn and more bothered by the fact that your intimacy is non-existent. To be honest there is no point guessing what it could be: you just have to confront her about it (in a nice but firm manner) and explain that you feel that you need to find ways to get your sex life back on track.
It could be any number of reasons.
Oh and yes, I would probably try to find out what sort of porn she watches. To satisfy my own curiosity first 0 (sexy nurses in a hospital? Then I would worry 
And yes it's hypocritical to make you feel bad for watching it if she does it herself. But so far, you don't actually have proof she actually does watch it if I read it correctly?


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