# Thinking about separation/divorce.



## whoareyouanymore (Aug 5, 2010)

Ok,,, wow, cant believe Im actually on this website, and talking about this. 

Well, First I would just like to say Hi and that any information/guidance/opinions are welcome since I am totally conflicted about my situation, and afraid of the future.

I guess I'll start by saying, Im a 31 yr old Male, been married for 3 going on 4 years in a couple months. What brought me to this site was a recent fight (wouldnt even call it that) my wife and I had about me taking a day off work to spend with my daughter. It was basically jealosy (spelling? not the greatest speller in the world so bare with me). Now I know that this dosent sound like a big deal, or even intriguing in the least. But it was what was said to me (via text message) as she was leaving for work. 

She basically belittled me, and Ive realized that this has been going on for way too long, its the same cycle. I do something she doesnt 'approve' of,,, she beats me down with words that cut very deep and take a long time to heal. Ive never said anything to anyone before because I always thought I was being too sensitive, or it wasnt that big of a deal, or she said she would change,,, and mostly because I dont want any of my friends or family to look at her negatively. Not sure if the reason is that I want everyone to know that I married the right person and my life is perfect??? 

We have a 2 year old and the last thing I want for her is to go throught what I did as a child when my mother divorced my stepfather and all the emotional baggage I have been carrying. 

There is so much more to this, I cant even begin to think of it all.

Perhaps if some people would ask some questions, give comments etc... It may help.

I was thinking about counseling (even just for myself) but wanted to see if i could just talk to someone, anyone who will listen.


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## stalemate (May 13, 2010)

Counseling sounds like a good option for you. You could try to get your wife to go along but even if she says no you should give it a try for yourself. You owe it to yourself and your child to learn why you accept this behavior from your wife and what, if anything, you can do to change things.

Yes, divorce is hard for children but so is seeing your parents communicate in an unhealthy manner. You don't want your daughter to grow up thinking this is a healthy way to relate to people.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Whoareyouanymore,

Welcome to the site. I am relatively new myself. This is all just my opinion but first, I think that you really need to have a rational conversation with her about her behavior. You need to see what's driving it. Why does she feel the need to act like that? Then, you should give her one last chance to make progress in correcting it but you may need some couples therapy. Getting a professional involved is probably a good thing. And, you hit on it in your post. Even if she won't go, you should go for yourself.

What are the topics of her berating you? Is there any particular thing that keeps coming up?

On a more personal level, you need to decide that you are not going to be talked to like that and make it happen. I could be wrong so feel free to take this with a grain of salt but it seems like she does not respect you and feels FAR too comfortable being mean and abusive towards you. You will need to be firm in making sure that she gives you the respect that you are giving her. A person once told me that it's never to late to start being a man. Now, perhaps she will not be used to you standing up for yourself and it will become an even larger issue. If she is not willing to change, you need to decide how much you want to take from her. You need to decide if you can live the rest of your life as it is now. I would not suggest divorce or anything because I don't have enough information and I would hope that this could be resolved without it. But, while thinking about the emotional baggage on your child, what about the emotional baggage of seeing her parents in a bad marriage? Anyway, I wish you the best of luck.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I recognize myself a few years ago in your note.

My wife would belittle me about things to a point where (a) that was the only conversation she would have with me and (b) I retreated from any discussions with her.

We both saw a marriage counselor (brought on by my affair) but I also saw a psychologist and he immediately saw that my wife treated me with contempt. I could never put a finger on it but when he said that, it all made sense and I could take the steps to deal with it.

if you can't get her to a marriage counselor, where things will be discussed in a rational way and with guidance from the counselor, go alone. You will either learn how to change her, deal with it of give you the emotional strength to move on with your life.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

How long has this been going on? Have you told her how badly her words hurt you or do you just not say anything? Some people just say what they feel at the time without thinking about what they say. Tell her how deeply her words hurt you and that if it continues your leaving.


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## whoareyouanymore (Aug 5, 2010)

Orion said:


> I could be wrong so feel free to take this with a grain of salt but it seems like she does not respect you and feels FAR too comfortable being mean and abusive towards you.


First, thank you all for reading my post and commenting, I never knew a site like this existed and just writing something for strangers to read actually helps.

Orion, 
I think you are 100% correct. I always feel like my suggestions/opinions arent even considered most of the time. I would suggest something, or have an idea about something and weeks later she would be talking to a co-worker, or a friend or family memeber and mention that he/she suggested " such and such" and it would be the same thing I said weeks ago. Im not saying that I have the best ideas all the time,,, but I do think things through pretty well, and try to think of everything, and I feel that she thinks I have no idea what Im talking about...

She does feel way too comfortable with being nasty with me. Ive said to her on many occasisons " Just because you CAN say something to me, doesnt mean you HAVE to"... She mentioned past boyfriends before and it seemed like they were all pretty sucessful guys, had money etc.. but she wasnt happy or felt uncomfortable with them. I was a concrete mason who made just enough to get by during the warm weather and struggled every winter. Ive since made a transition into another job where i work year round and make decent money, with alot of potential growth in the future. (she kinda sorta got me into the job).

Now Im no therapist or psychologist, but i think she feels comfortable barading me since I make less than she does and i contributle less (monetarily) to our bills, savings etc... And Im doing all I can, I sacrifice alot, and Im actually guaranteed to make more money in the future so its only temporary... I think she didnt feel 'comfortable' with the 'successful' guys because she felt like she couldnt speak her mind, and with me she can cause Im on the same level as her or somthing like that... i dont know.

to answer another question. Most of the verbal abuse stems from me making less than she... calling herself the "bread winner", and making comments and laughing (with an evil laugh) at what I make and calling me a "looser". And it only comes when we have a disagreement. the latest was that I took a day off of work to recoup from the stresses of selling a house and moving in with her sister-in-law and getting little sleep. and Its not like I slept all day, I had my daughter with me and we just spent the day together.

To add to the background a little more, I havent been an angel thoughout our 6 year relationship either. When we first started dating I was still in my early/mid 20's and would have a few too many drinks and act like a jackass here and there... i never put my hands on her or anything like that... but we would argue about that alot too,,, but even if she's holding a grudge about that time, it was like 5-6 years ago and Ive made changes in my life to correct that.. i mean, i was just being a dumb kid too. But she hasnt made any changes to her behaviors. 

She knows what she does is wrong, and every month or two we will go down this road. We'll get into a petty argument, she'll say something mean and nasty, we wont talk for a couple days,,, she'll say sorry and it wont happen again. Then in a few months,,,, all over again. In the meantime, all the things she says piles up, and some things you say you just cant take back, and sorry just isnt good enough because YOU ACTUALLY MEANT WHAT YOU SAID,,, YOUR JUST SORRY FOR SAYING IT OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN SAY SOOOO MANY THINGS TO HURT YOU, BUT I DONT AND NEVER WOULD BECAUSE I KNOW THERE WOULD BE NO TURNING BACK.

we talked yesterday, she knew i meant business, she admitted that the way she acts is like abuse and is very sorry.... all the other times things would go back to feeling "normal", like nothing happened... Not this time, feels different, i still feel like im struggling to accept the appology, laugh with her, crack jokes, care about what she is talking about at the moment... feel like im in a daze, mad at myself for not leaving before we had a kid, sad to think about not seeing my daughter after her bath or hear her call for me to come cover her with her blanket at night, or see her little face staring at me when i open my eyes in the morning.

sorry if I am all over the place with this post,,, but it fits with the way I am feeling right now.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

One of the reasons for this board is to let your feelings out so its ok to be all over the place IMO. That and the fact emotions are running strong with most people here. I know I write a lot of things I feel at the time but dont necessarly mean.

I kinda wonder why your wife feels the need to put you down, marriage is not about who makes the most money. Alot of people are unemployed in this economy, especially those working in the trades.

I also think you should look at being able to let some of her comments roll off your back. My SIL is a good person but can have a very sharp tongue. I wonder if she even realizes how hurtful her stupid comments are. I personally let 90% of her smart ass comments go in one ear and out the other. The other 10% I will fire a firey dart of my own or call her on it. It could be the way she feels about herself more than how she feels about you.

I also think you should set some boundaries and tell her that her belittling words are not aprieciated and will not be tolerated. That if it continues that you will be gone. Give her some examples of the things she has said that deeply hurt you. Sometimes people with sharp tongues dont even realize how hurtful what they say is.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I would have loved that you spent time with daughter to make her feel special. Sounds like she puts you down because it makes her feel better about herself. Can't stand to hear someone call another a "looser" that word makes me cring. Shes your wife by calling you that she is tearing herself down.
Stand up for yourself, if it doesn't stop then maybe a separation is needed. You definitly can not go on living this way.


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## whoareyouanymore (Aug 5, 2010)

I definitely need to let stuff roll off my back more, and she needs to realize that we are both doing the best we can with what we have.

she also admits to having self esteem problems, and thats the reason why I never say anything to beat her down. I mean, Ive called her a b#$ch before because thats the way she was acting, but they are just general words of frustration and anger to me. Using actual situations and feelings and things that Ive shared with her against me is totally uncalled for.

We talked the other night, and again last night. I told her that Id rather her punch me in the face than say the things she has said to me and that I remember them all.... I honestly think she doesnt remember all the times she's gone into this kind of a fit of anger. I told her that if it happens again with me, or ever happens with my daughter, were gone. 

I mentioned therapy, but honestly dont think I need to go. I think she should take the initiative ( if she really cares ) to go for herself.

We are relocating for work and have a bit of a bumpy road ahead of us financially and in many other aspects of our lives including living situations, family and friends being around, new surroundings etc... so we'll see...

THANK YOU ALL for your kind words, suggestions and experiences.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

whoareyouanymore said:


> I definitely need to let stuff roll off my back more, and she needs to realize that we are both doing the best we can with what we have.
> 
> she also admits to having self esteem problems, and thats the reason why I never say anything to beat her down. I mean, Ive called her a b#$ch before because thats the way she was acting, but they are just general words of frustration and anger to me. Using actual situations and feelings and things that Ive shared with her against me is totally uncalled for.
> 
> ...


1 - You definitely DON'T need to let things roll of your back. That's why you re here writing about this situation. You have let things roll off your back and, as a result, it continues.

2 - She does have self esteem problems and that is why she needs to feel superior to you and treat you the ways she does.

3 - YOU need therapy just as she does. Going to see someone will give you the ability to (a) change the situation with your wife, (b) live with it the way it is now or (c) move on with your life without her.


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