# found husband on swingers website?!



## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

Hey everyone... 
I am truly heartbroken ..... I was just reading this forum for some answers but decided to tell my story anyway.... I'm married for about four years... and to be completely honest I can say that it has been nothing but a great partnership.... lots of affection, my husband constantly does tons of sweet things for me, we are very loving couple and things in bed are great too... or that is what I thought.... by accident (long story) I found his online profile on swingers website. basically he states there how much he wants to try sex in all kind of a form etc. women, men everything... I am absolutely shocked especially when I discovered that he had that profile going on for about 2 years...the thing is that I KNOW he never met with anyone but he still makes contacts with completely random people, both men and women (!) and I saw one conversation with someone and it absolutely disgusted me... I feel like I am about to die.... and I feel like he has been pretending to be happy with me... does anyone had any experiences like that? I love him with all of my heart but my gut is telling me that if I will stay he will cheat on me one day.... I found myself in a place where I question if I even know this person... it is absolutely devastating feeling....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's hard, I know.

How do you know that he has not met with anyone to have sex?

Does he know that you have found his profile? If so what has he said about it all?


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Wow, this is a tough one. It's shocking to think that you can be married to someone and feel like you don't really know them. You spoke of your relationship and your sex life but how often do you communicate? I mean really communicate with one another? Obviously, there's a huge disconnect here.

I know that its been debated on here Ad Nauseum, but this is why I think it prudent to have had detailed discussions with your potential mate about their sexual past and their sexual experiences, assuming of course that there is a high degree of honesty involved. There could be sexual compatibility issues, which sounds like the case here.

If those types of discussions did occur, then it sounds like there wasn't a lot of honesty on his part. At the very least, you can begin to have those discussions now so that you can get your arms around what you're really dealing with. Is he bi-sexual? Does he want an open marriage or is he into wife swapping? All of these questions require answers so that you can chart your course.

If you thought you married an apple but he's really an orange, there may not be a solution.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Sorry for your pain Leslie2. 

With a clanger like this I'd be heading straight to the divorce courts. 

Your WS is a dangerous man. He's an accomplished conman, a fake and has made a joke of your marriage. *What else have you not discovered? *Were you suspicious and therefore snooping?

He wants to try it with men too? Please get tested. 

Protect yourself and run. He's a wolf in sheep's clothing. 

Make sure you expose him to EVERYONE. 

Again, I'm so very sorry.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Get screenshots and put them in two safe places. One a USB stick and one cloud and NEVER tell him about them.


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## itom72 (Apr 12, 2012)

leslie2 said:


> Hey everyone...
> I am truly heartbroken ..... I was just reading this forum for some answers but decided to tell my story anyway.... I'm married for about four years... and to be completely honest I can say that it has been nothing but a great partnership.... lots of affection, my husband constantly does tons of sweet things for me, we are very loving couple and things in bed are great too... or that is what I thought.... by accident (long story) I found his online profile on swingers website. basically he states there how much he wants to try sex in all kind of a form etc. women, men everything... I am absolutely shocked especially when I discovered that he had that profile going on for about 2 years...the thing is that I KNOW he never met with anyone but he still makes contacts with completely random people, both men and women (!) and I saw one conversation with someone and it absolutely disgusted me... I feel like I am about to die.... and I feel like he has been pretending to be happy with me... does anyone had any experiences like that? I love him with all of my heart but my gut is telling me that if I will stay he will cheat on me one day.... I found myself in a place where I question if I even know this person... it is absolutely devastating feeling....


As someone with experience in the "lifestyle", I can tell you that honesty is demanded of all participants, as that is the only way things can work without ruining relationships and who knows what else. Many profiles on swinging sites make clear that married men posing as single are unwelcome.

Don't be so certain that he never met anyone. Does he travel for work? Keep in mind that he could have arranged quickies, as well as had "business lunches" and other seemingly innocuous get-togethers that were anything but.

You will need to get legal representation and be prepared to confront. Sadly, it does not seem that your marriage is salvageable. Good luck, and be sure to check back here often, for you will receive plenty of good advice.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.
Some people just do this for fantasy, looking at the possibility, but would never go through with it.
If your relationship with your H is generally good, you could probably ask him about his fantasies in general, and see what he shares with you.
If your relationship with your H is not so good, do your own research or hire a PI to find out more.
But I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.
If your H is one of those who is only looking online to satisfy a sexual curiosity and fantasy (it's completely normal to do so) you could be throwing the baby out with the bathwater by just assuming the worst.
Trust your gut.


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## itom72 (Apr 12, 2012)

As an additional bit of advice, get tested for STD's. Unfortunately, there are many swingers for whom the term "safe sex" is an oxymoron.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

itom72 said:


> As an additional bit of advice, get tested for STD's. Unfortunately, there are many swingers for whom the term "safe sex" is an oxymoron.


:iagree:

Protecting your health is your number 1 priority.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

You Guys are really helpful thank you .... I didn't confront him yet because to be honest I am completely stunned.... I don't know what is worse... the fact that he lied he is single, that he used his real name, included his face on the photos or everything together. 
I remember first and second year into the marriage I asked him plenty of times if he would like to spice things up in the bedroom etc. and he always declined. You would NEVER think that he is into all of those things, so scary.... My husband is a wonderful and good person but he has an obvious dark side, he often hides feelings and is not very open when it comes to his worries or everyday problems, he will usually just brush it off and maybe opened up to me when he had few drinks in. it is just out of everything I absolutely didn't expect him talking to MEN and older women, I mean .... I was thinking about confronting him and taking him to therapist since our marriage is good. Am I been plain stupid? Also I thought about creating fake profile to start a conversation and get to know the problem more deeply. Ah I am trying to tell myself that it is only probably his fantasies but on the other hand why the heck would he put his face and our city there?!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Own name? own city? His own photo? :scratchhead:

Then he presumably doesn't care if you find out? Which is weird.

Or he is a risk taker, possibly meaning his sexual habits with multiple partners might not be safe.

Do what Weightlifter suggested. 

Also, unprotected sex with him at the moment would be too risky, in my opinion.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I'd be curious to hear the long story on how you accidently stumbled on his profile on a swingers website.

Get tested for STD's ASAP. 

It's odd that he used his real name, let alone as a married man.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I was thinking that maybe, best case, this was just a fantasy thing for him, that he maybe he wouldn't actually follow through...but then read that he used his real name, face pic, etc. 

Now I don't know what to think, but it's looking like he might be a serious swinger, which means you've got a lot of work to sort this all out. This is beyond the scope of my advice-giving capability....except for two things--get tested for STDs immediately and starting hunting for a good lawyer!


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Forget what people are saying about Jumping to conclusion, Your husband is being deceitful full stop. Who cares if it is fantasy, or in his head, hes still on a swingers site however you look at it, and he did not tell you.... to be honest i cant see this being just a fantasy.

I would not be happy either, I would just want to know the truth.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

2 years and still no PA? Don't be so sure.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

oh man, i'm sorry you are dealing with this. i know that sucker punch in the gut feeling all to well.

you have done the right thing by not confronting him yet. keep that up as long as you can. as soon as he learns you are on to him he'll start deleting stuff.

i know someone that set up a fake profile on a cheater's site and she did indeed catch her H and discovered he had been having hook ups with other women. it was painful for her but she learned the truth.

if this is a lifestyle he is sincerely interested in and he's willing to lie to you and deceive you to satisfy the itch, i'm afraid it won't go away over night. i'm married to someone that wanted to try that out and it has caused us loads of grief and mistrust. there were times i wished i would have let him go 15 yrs ago when i knew he was interested in it but i always hoped it would pass. it didn't. all those years of him wanting it made him resent me and although we are in a great place now, sobriety helps a ton, it has been an exhausting battle. although we've been married 23 years, this topic has only recently gone away almost entirely. he gave up all porn, we both gave up alcohol and we are in a wonderful place. but giving up all that hasn't been easy at all. 

please pm if you want to talk in private.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm not saying the guy isn't Swinging or lying.
I'm just saying not to jump to conclusions.
Gather facts, get more facts, then see what the picture is.
Don't decide in advance what's going on, and then gather evidence to support the only reality you can wrap your head around.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The only way your going to find out is by confronting him and asking him what this is all about.

The longer you wait, the worse it will get. You'll get good advice on the forum but were not the ones living with him, you are and you need to sit him down and demand a explanation from him. Then you can get a better idea of what's going on and deal with it how ever you need to.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

We need to know how you found it. It's possible that someone is setting him up.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Leslie, that deep stabbing pain you feel that is completely overwhelming is the betrayal of trust - the realization that your most trusted partner is deceiving you while you struggle through the unknown to cope with just how far the one you love has strayed from the relationship, not knowing exactly how much but knowing all reasonable boundaries were completely disregarded.

This right here is the deal breaker decision for you. Despite the crippling pain you still need to get the facts so you can make an informed choice, but as we all know here, and as your gut tells you, cheaters lie so you cannot rely on him for any truth right now.

First, I hadn't even considered the possibility that someone has used his identity without his permission as Nucking Futs just mentioned, you need to determine if that is the case. Also in my own experience, everybody has "a dark side" for many that is shameful and kept secret and we do anything to hide it even from our spouse who we love most. And often we are damaged too, and these secret behaviors are compulsive, however that your H has gone beyond fantasizing and looking by actually contacting them, and using his own identity would certainly means the thrill of getting caught is something he has actively made possible, it is highly disrespectful and completely negligent as a husband that has made vows to not do those things, even if he hasn't physically met anyone.

Can you ever trust him again, and do you want to? Well that depends on you following your gut and getting the facts to verify your suspicions. If he has indeed talked with others for sexual gratification then it is infidelity and you are completely in your rights to seek divorce if you choose. If you choose to try staying married then to trust means he needs be repentant, to learn to let you into his dark side and you have to be willing to accept his dark thoughts while you both keep it all within the boundaries of your marriage.

But right now you simply need facts. So don't let on to him that you found out, do some recon and digging, document everything you find and when you know you have found enough to confront, then expose and decide if you can work on this or if it's over.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Print it out and show it to him.

People generally join sites like that for the very reason you think they do. 

But do watch as he tells you it was a joke/meant to be funny/he didn't meant anyone off there. 

They never ever admit it when called out on it.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> We need to know how you found it. It's possible that someone is setting him up.


Excellent Point! Real Name? Real Pic? Real Location? Only two options here that I can see. He is really really stupid and wants to get caught or he is being set up. The OP needs to figure out which one it is.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Being into swinging is bad enough but he's also talking to men which means he is bisexual. That's a whole other thing entirely.

So he didn't tell you that either? 

Do you know many women who would marry a bisexual man?

That in itself and the massive deceit involved in it would make me run for the hills.

This guy has a very dark side made worse by the fact that he put his photo and real name on the site. That is very unnerving somehow. 

If you stick around and don't head straight for the divorce courts go dark and snoop as much as you can. There is always more as every BS on here is aware, usually a LOT more. 

Do you really think your marriage can be rescued? How long would it take you to trust him again? Because he is clearly a VERY convincing liar and has been having this secret life, probably even before you met him. 

If it's just fantasising it wouldn't make me feel any better at all. I'd rather my husband wasn't fantasising about sex with other men. Fantasies usually get acted on if the opportunity arises. Or people go on those sites talking to REAL people to make the opportunity. 

I'm so sorry you have been put into this horrible situation. Get divorce papers drawn up even if you don't use them. See your doctor immediately and also get your doctor to recommend you a counsellor. You will need IC.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: found husband on swingers website?!*



********** said:


> Being into swinging is bad enough but he's also talking to men which means he is bisexual. That's a whole other thing entirely.
> 
> So he didn't tell you that either?
> 
> ...


Sexual orientation has nothing to do with it, the problems are 1) he made vows to love, cherish and forsake all others 2) he has a dark side that he does not even trust his own wife to reveal to.

Lack of true intimacy which he feels he needs to get met by strangers on the internet, and the massive deceit in order to fill those needs.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

Guys you are all so right. Let me put it this way... The things I believe in and rules I live by.... If I only knew.... I would dump him I would never married him, I would be completely done with him. Now I am caught in the middle with this bs and still need time to just accept the fact that he is not the person I thought he was....I feel like I live in a nightmare right now, because he is hiding it soo good. Even his bisexuality, like I have never seen or sense that he likes males. I am very strong person mentally and I feel like in this situation even with absolute broken heart I feel more like he needs help. He used his real first name and photos of him including his face and city we live in. Also in the description he seems very desperate he used word "NEED" using capitals. The conversations that I read were with one man and I think one couple. Even being so disappointed and feeling like he is a big fraud I can't feel anything more than sorry for him. His career everything could be easily ruin if anyone would discovered that. He is a very honorable man and even with my anger I just can't even wrap around my head the fact that he is absolutely damaging his life and all his achievements... I do believe that he loves me, I do but I feel like me, our marriage is not on his agenta and at some point all he start thinking about is random sex with random people all ages/sexes....omg is that even normal ?! The dark side took over everything. And I mean he didnt just write "oh I wanna try something new blabla" he pointed out some crazy, kinky stuff like so taboo.... I found out by stumbling upon his e-mail and one conversation used the website name and that is how I found out so I know the profile is real. What I am thinking of doing is start a conversation with him, save everything and see if he is really trying to do it in real life. This is so embarrassing this guy has everything in life.... and now THAT?! I am still in denial.... But like I said from what I read he seems very desperate and just all over the place, which is very worrying... for me it is just not normal.....


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

fwiw, most of what is said on those sites between ppl rarely ever happens.

it is disturbing that he's using his real name and hometown in his descriptions but there is a really good chance he hasn't met anyone in person.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> We need to know how you found it. It's possible that someone is setting him up.


Yep. You beat me to this!


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Yep. You beat me to this!


Yeah she said she found it I his email, so it's his.

Not good.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Lon said:


> Sexual orientation has nothing to do with it, the problems are 1) he made vows to love, cherish and forsake all others 2) he has a dark side that he does not even trust his own wife to reveal to.
> 
> Lack of true intimacy which he feels he needs to get met by strangers on the internet, and the massive deceit in order to fill those needs.


Lon, while I entirely agree with your other 2 points I do think sexual orientation has a great deal to do with it. I for one just can't see myself marrying someone who was bisexual because of the complications it could cause in our intimate life. 

I don't have a problem with anyone being bisexual. Sex can be a very grey area but every partner would have the right to know. OP likely got married under false pretences since she mightn't have done so if she knew. If he has 'NEED' in capital letters as OP said, then it doesn't sound like a passing fantasy. He may have been quelling these desires for years and is finally acting on them in a more realistic way. People can't easily change the way they are sexually wired. Perhaps he would have been better with a partner who is also bisexual. I don't know.

Why he wouldn't use a pseudonym is completely baffling. He's telling the world but not his wife and potentially risking his career because society is generally not very accepting of it. 

As always with betrayal the deceit is the most damaging and painful part. 

OP, I agree you must get to the bottom of it and create a profile. Pretend you are a man since the best way to disguise oneself is changing ones gender. Offer to meet him to see if he accepts. This will tell you how far it could go or unfortunately has gone. 

Were your suspicions aroused anyway because you were looking at his email? And he isn't really honourable if he deceived you to this extent. He may be with the rest of the world but not you. 

I think the most important thing you must consider is whether you could remain with him given his sexual desires. Although they may be fantasies, he seems to be acting on them. Could you live with it? If it's a 100% 'no', then you would have no choice but to D. And could you really trust him again? It can take years according to those in R. 

I sympathise greatly with your situation and the shock you must feel.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Leslie, I am sorry that you are here. Let me first summarise just so as I know I have understood this correct:


You have had a good marriage with your husband up to now and despite your asking him, he has never indicated a need for anything more risque.
You suddenly find in his email a link to a swingers site where he has been using his real name, city and photo for the last 2 years - folks here considered the possibility of a setup but I dont think that you believe that - do you ? I am sure you have checked to make sure that this is not the case.
He indicates a NEED to do the things he describes including having sex with men. You have found most of what he has discussed disgusting! You are wondering why you never realised these things about him before and why he never came to you with his needs up to now.
You havent approached your husband with your findings but came here first.

OK so lets assume that this is not a setup, here are my observations:


Your husband probably did not feel he could come to you with this, his "darker" side, as he felt that you would be disgusted (which you kind of were when you read about it).
He may even be gay and is afraid to come out with this - I see very few truly bisexual men - there are many gay men who pretend to be bisexual and can have sex with women but secretly only want men. He again, may not have been sure how you would cope with this.
We are using the term PA etc here - I dont think this is about having affairs but having his sexual needs met. He might be in a sham of a marriage from his point of view. True he does not know how to cope and should have discussed it with you first, but probably felt that you would not understand.
If I found this out about my SO, I would contact him/her first - this goes way beyond cheating and there is a fundamental problem here. So far as I understand this, you have not heard his explanation or side of this story yet. Maybe it is something that you need to do.

My tuppence worth! I hope you manage to get to the bottom of this quickly as it is going to be painful to get through and the quicker the better. Good luck!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

My heart goes out to you. My estranged husband did the same thing after more than 20 years of marriage. At least that's when I discovered it. It could have been going on much longer. If you confront, your husband will most likely deny everything. My family really set my husband up (after his constant denials). A relative created a phony profile on my husband's preferred site. My husband took the bait. It even got to the point of setting up a meeting. I knew his TRUE intentions then. You may want to try something like this before you confront.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

He's just doing research for a book he wants to write,.................or...............he just wants to find out if anyone he knows does that.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

I know I should leave... I only work part-time so at this point I can't leave right away, first I need to take care of myself and my future and then I will do it.

With his bisexuality he said on that website that he is bi-curious because he haven't tried sex with a guy YET but his ultimate fantasy is a threesome with married couple ... . And like you guys said above this is not just a case of a cheating or having a sex outside of the marriage, the problem here is at its deepest core and that is what makes me absolutely terrified and feeling like everything has been a big lie. I don't think he is pure gay because whenever I will be in my underwear or low cut shirt he can't get his hands off me (just an example). I don't think confrontation by just showing him a website will do any good, because I know him and he will be so ashamed that he will just deny everything and I will never know. I will try to talk to him under fake profile and try to figure out if he had met anyone yet and basically what the hell is going on there. Otherwise I will never know the truth and I can't do that, I need to know, I deserve it 

It just literally hit me that at some point, or maybe from the beginning he never opened up to me about his fantasies and things he would want to try. Just to let you guys know we had conversations like that in the past and I suggested few ideas or I told him hey let's share some fantasies to make sex fun, but from my point of view and from what I saw he is into, my fantasies were very innocent (but I did ONCE suggested and played with his uhm "backdoor" and he told me that it feels good but a little weird, like he was uncomfortable so we never did it again- I am sorry for details its just I am trying to let you guys know how shocked I am about what I found out, like if you are bi you would enjoyed it wouldnt you?! ), but still he NEVER showed any interest in changing anything. and that is what I don't get. He disconnected from me. Like even though we are married, we talk about everything and share everything he was still so damn selfish to do his things on his own without me knowing or caring that this will ruin his life and embarrass me completely. I think he even lied to himself and learned how to hide it so well.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Leslie, before you start deciding what to do, I think it is really important that you find out exactly, with no room for error, what he has done (ie has he met in person with anyone else? shared photos, sexted, phoned - is this an EA or a PA or is he just living out a one-sided fantasy at this point).

Or, maybe at this point since learning that he has risked the reputation of your relationship to him, and has lied to you about his fantasy life it is enough of a dealbreaker for you already (but seeing that you seemed to have a good functioning relationship despite his secret compulsion, it does seem a waste if you don't atleast try to address the problem and correct it first).

There are implicit boundaries of marriage, and he has completely disregarded them, but maybe he just doesn't do well with implicit boundaries. Do you think if you and him established explicit boundaries and agreed to make an effort to communicate your deepest thoughts and feelings you could be happy with him? If he was honest with you all along, and had never acted outside of the marriage, but shared his dark side with you, would you still have rejected him? If so, and you need someone pure as snow, then ultimately you are not compatible with each other.

Of course, if he is unwilling to be completely honest with you then plainly there is no foundation of trust to build a relationship on, in which case don't bother trying to work on things, leave him. But first things first, find out independently if he CAN be truthful or not, don't give up easy but don't ignore the facts.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Mostlycontent said:


> Wow, this is a tough one. It's shocking to think that you can be married to someone and feel like you don't really know them. You spoke of your relationship and your sex life but how often do you communicate? I mean really communicate with one another? Obviously, there's a huge disconnect here.
> 
> I know that its been debated on here Ad Nauseum, but this is why I think it prudent to have had detailed discussions with your potential mate about their sexual past and their sexual experiences, assuming of course that there is a high degree of honesty involved. There could be sexual compatibility issues, which sounds like the case here.
> 
> ...


I agree with everything you have said here. I experienced this very thing where the person you married turns out to be totally different that what you thought you were getting. Communication is so important before you get married so that you can pick up on these differences and act on them. In my case, I knew there were differences and huge issues but didn't act on them, that totally my fault and that's why I have such a bad marriage. 

I constantly wonder if my wife secretly isn't like the author's husband and desires being sexual with others or have different sexual experiences. 

I'm so sorry this has happened to the author. Once you discover your desires are so difference and there's a very real chance that some kind of affair or sexual activities have started, it's going to be very hard to continue your marriage if not impossible.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

I really really thought that we know each other so well... The funniest and the most f... up thing is that before marrying him I thought I have everything figured out. That I was careful to make sure the person I am marrying is not a serial cheater or has problems with staying faithful etc. I am suspicious as hell, I don't trust my partners until they will prove they can be trusted. But at the same time I am not pushy, I told him before and during our marriage that if anyone would be unhappy let's just be honest and split. I would never be clingy like that because I think that every person deserves to be happy and if your spouse is not happy with you, that it means that you are not meant to be together, so why waste each others life. No matter how much it hurts or is heartbreaking, everyone deserves to be happy, it is a matter of compatibility... And that hurts me even more, that I was always there for him, with open mind, he knew my philosophy on life and relationships and he was telling me constantly that he will never let me go because I am the best thing that ever happened in his life. I was 100% sure and I trusted him and I would never ever think he has that dark side of him. 

And to answer the previous question about if I would stay with him if I knew... Well before marriage honestly I don't know the answer because now I am just so deep in this whole marriage.... But still if he would be honest, it would of have been different.... He basically put himself out there on that website like some kind of a wh...re He said he likes "all shapes and sizes" like he just wants to bang everything that moves both sex/shape/age and that is what disgusts me. Because I never had random hookups in the past. I am not into that. I always had to have some kind of a connection with a person and he acts like just a plain horny dog, like a prostitute. The only thing that might save his ass is if he actually never met anyone from that website. I registered there few days ago with no photos and I already have 35(!) messages from random people, they dont even care how you look or if you are some air head or a mentally sick person, they just want sex. That is beyond disgusting.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

so just to update a little bit, I took screen shots of his profile and some of the conversations and hid it well. he still didn't reply and hasn't been online for past few days... I always thought about myself as a person that has "balls" and if ever hurt I will burn down the house and slap the sh*** out of him, but the idea of having so much power over him right now with all the dirt I have on him is terrifying a little bit  I never wanted to be in this situation in first place ahhh. I am trying very hard to gather more information and when I will confront him, just don't go crazy on how disgusting he is.... ahh why stuff like that happens to people ?! Why he couldn't just be a decent guy that he is pretending to be? Ah.it hurts so much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My first thought is that he's a closet voyeur, meaning he fantasizes but will never follow through (probably some shame thing in his FOO). He's had this for 2 years but never hooked up, right? IIWY, I would schedule the therapist appointment and then tell him there. He may feel attacked, but it's much safer having this discussion with a professional around. I'm not sure it's worth ditching your marriage over.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: found husband on swingers website?!*



turnera said:


> My first thought is that he's a closet voyeur, meaning he fantasizes but will never follow through (probably some shame thing in his FOO). He's had this for 2 years but never hooked up, right? IIWY, I would schedule the therapist appointment and then tell him there. He may feel attacked, but it's much safer having this discussion with a professional around. I'm not sure it's worth ditching your marriage over.


Could be a closet voyeur that has taken it to the next level by actually engaging in sexual conversations with random strangers on the internet (not all that different than places like TAM except in the subject material) Left alone this would in all likelihood escalate to physical meetings next, then sex not long after that, because he is clearly not able to make his own realistic boundaries. He could still be a "decent guy" just has this one secret compulsive addiction that he is obviously struggling to keep under control. Whatever the case it will ultimately fall on him to decide at what cost to continue.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Which is why it needs to be discussed in front of a professional.


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

Does it matter to you if he hasn't done anything yet or didn't have intentions to cheat? He could just be an idiot for using his real name and thinks it's mindless entertainment and a cheap thrill?

I like the plan of setting him up using a false profile with a false pic and seeing how far he'll go as he'll likely deny physical participation otherwise. Maybe make a plan to meet him in a hotel room and hand him divorce papers as he walks in the door. Real hard to deny intent in that instance. 

Good luck and sorry that you are in this situation.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

Lon said:


> Could be a closet voyeur that has taken it to the next level by actually engaging in sexual conversations with random strangers on the internet (not all that different than places like TAM except in the subject material) Left alone this would in all likelihood escalate to physical meetings next, then sex not long after that, because he is clearly not able to make his own realistic boundaries. He could still be a "decent guy" just has this one secret compulsive addiction that he is obviously struggling to keep under control. Whatever the case it will ultimately fall on him to decide at what cost to continue.


Thanks Guys! To be honest with you I am very very convinced that he hasn't meet with anyone YET. The conversations he had with these folks lasted for like maybe 5 minutes, just some dirty thoughts and that's it (I checked his messenger) no indicator for meetings but you never know. Also after being on that website for 2 years he is still not certified (meaning that no one posted a review that he is legit or had a contact with him) but still the fact that he put our city there and his face there is very unsettling. I seriously think at this moment that he has a problem and he needs professional help because he doesn't know how to deal with his problem and that it will escalate. I am home almost all the time since I work only part-time and he never wanted to go out by himself, he always drags me with him... when we are out he stays with me he doesn't go anywhere and is very protective and proud of me (he gets a lot of compliments about me and he tells me that even his co-worker females are telling him that I am very beautiful and that he is very lucky yada yada). But like I said I will get to the core of it, because I want to know if it's just a fantasy that he has a hard time getting out of his system since he doesn't tell anyone or is a cold blooded as...le that just waits for a good moment or a person.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

Row Jimmy said:


> Does it matter to you if he hasn't done anything yet or didn't have intentions to cheat? He could just be an idiot for using his real name and thinks it's mindless entertainment and a cheap thrill?
> 
> I like the plan of setting him up using a false profile with a false pic and seeing how far he'll go as he'll likely deny physical participation otherwise. Maybe make a plan to meet him in a hotel room and hand him divorce papers as he walks in the door. Real hard to deny intent in that instance.
> 
> Good luck and sorry that you are in this situation.


That is exactly what I am working on right now. I already sent him a message and have a fake profile just waiting to see how this will end up.


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## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

leslie2 said:


> Hey everyone...
> I am truly heartbroken ..... I was just reading this forum for some answers but decided to tell my story anyway.... I'm married for about four years... and to be completely honest I can say that it has been nothing but a great partnership.... lots of affection, my husband constantly does tons of sweet things for me, we are very loving couple and things in bed are great too... or that is what I thought.... by accident (long story) I found his online profile on swingers website. basically he states there how much he wants to try sex in all kind of a form etc. women, men everything... I am absolutely shocked especially when I discovered that he had that profile going on for about 2 years...the thing is that I KNOW he never met with anyone but he still makes contacts with completely random people, both men and women (!) and I saw one conversation with someone and it absolutely disgusted me... I feel like I am about to die.... and I feel like he has been pretending to be happy with me... does anyone had any experiences like that? I love him with all of my heart but my gut is telling me that if I will stay he will cheat on me one day.... I found myself in a place where I question if I even know this person... it is absolutely devastating feeling....


Just something to consider here-- he may not have ever met with anyone. The other thing is if he has all of these fantasies he probably was scared to tell you lest you think he was some kind of a freak. I speak from experience because when I was married it was something I was interested in trying. I wanted to know more about it before I brought it up to my wife and I signed up for some of those sites. I did NOT use my real name, location, or an identifiable picture though. After I knew more about it I brought it up to my wife and suggested we try some different things but it was probably not for a little while after I had perused those sites. I didn't ever meet with anyone or talk to anyone real life though.

So after bringing it up and her basically being against it I let it die out knowing it wasn't going to happen.

As for screen shots and such I'd get them just so you can calmly confront him with them. Print them out and just slide them in front of them and say "let's talk." See what he has to say. Most states are no fault these days so that's not going to get you anything legally unless you use them in a contentious divorce to try to embarrass him. 

I have been divorced for nearly 5 years now and I still have an interest in that stuff but the difference is I have a gf that finds it arousing too. We don't do anything but neither of us have to hide it either and I find that liberating. See what he has to say and don't let him off the hook for being deceitful.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've been around lots of men in my life and I'll tell you that many men really do think this way about all of it. They do fantasize and want more and stranger and to rise the thrill and all. If you accept that about your husband and let him know in no uncertain terms that, here on out, the INSTANT he takes an action to move it from mind games to reality, he'll never see you again, you'll probably be ok. 

But I would still push MC so that you two can start to learn to communicate your REAL feelings.


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## violet37 (Apr 8, 2014)

You are on the right track in setting up a fake profile. I'd want the proof in black and white before I confronted him with it, because people that do this sort of thing aren't going to come clean unless they know they have no choice. Whether he has acted physically on it doesn't really matter much, if this is his account, this is something he desires. It's like going to the bars all the time and not drinking. You will eventually drink, because that is the environment you have continually placed yourself in. There is a chance of yall working this out, but you and he will need professional help. And speaking from experience, don't have sex with him anymore until you have been tested for std's and this is all out in the open. I would then demand that he be tested before you did anything with him.

Good luck to you. I know how upsetting this is. I have been there to some degree!


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Check here to see if catfishing is illegal in your state, and on what grounds.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

leslie2 said:


> That is exactly what I am working on right now. I already sent him a message and have a fake profile just waiting to see how this will end up.


How far do you plan to take this? If he answers your profile, do you think you will go ahead with a meet up? I think since he hasn't been on in a while it's a good sign but the thing that would get to me is that he had thoughts of doing this in the first place. If you were able to establish he did not have any contact with anybody on the website, would there be a chance to save your marriage? I wish you the best of luck on this and I do very much hope there can be a happy ending to this.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> How far do you plan to take this? If he answers your profile, do you think you will go ahead with a meet up? I think since he hasn't been on in a while it's a good sign but the thing that would get to me is that he had thoughts of doing this in the first place. If you were able to establish he did not have any contact with anybody on the website, would there be a chance to save your marriage? I wish you the best of luck on this and I do very much hope there can be a happy ending to this.


I think I would be willing to work on things if he hasn't meet anyone in real life... Also I have a plan on about what things I am gonna say to take him for a loop so I hope that will work...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How would you feel if he was doing that to you, setting you up?


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I'm still stuck on the fact that he's showing his face and using his name. I have to think a married man would go to some effort to disguise himself. Maybe I'm giving more credit for sense then I should.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

well.... I think that is about it .... I mean I told you guys I got on his e-mail but didn't snoop enough, so today I went on to check old e-mails... and I've found that my poor, already broken heart couldn't bare anymore... I thought, literally I am going to die .... I found photos of at least 6 girls, photos you send from phone to phone and also my husbands photos... very inappropriate, with his face on them .... I couldn't breath... I think I need PC because I feel like I can't deal with it anymore, I start smoking cigarettes and drinking constantly since he has been away (I am sorry I didn't tell you this before but he has deployed for 7 months.... that's how I found out I wanted to see before he will be gone if he has done anything bad). I am in a very dark place right now, but I am slowly finding strength to make his life miserable. And I will. He will pay for my broken heart and life.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i'm sorry leslie.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sorry to read about that Leslie, too often our gut gets it right. Wishing you strength and clarity to do what you need to do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best way to make him pay is to just disappear from his life. If you stay and try to 'make him pay' it just proves to him that you care and he controls you (and all the other women).


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## Willow01 (Aug 18, 2014)

Hi Leslie, I'm really sorry this has happened to you. Something similar has happened to me recently. I just wondered if you confronted your husband and how you are now?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Willow01 said:


> Hi Leslie, I'm really sorry this has happened to you. Something similar has happened to me recently. I just wondered if you confronted your husband and how you are now?


Greetings, Willow. Sorry you are here.

If you want advice and help on what to do it might be worth starting your own thread.

We are all here for you.


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