# What would you do?



## Ethinie (Jul 2, 2011)

My husband I have been married for 4 years in July. We got engaged and married just at the one year mark (pushed into by the military- we both we serving in Korea at the time, it was either get married or they'd seperate us- he would have been sent back to the states on orders). We were happy, are happy... 

He has ADD and is addicted to the game WOW (world of warcraft) and he came to me a little over a year ago and said he was addicted to porn...which he bought software to block and asked me to help him by monitoring it, he let me create a password for it. That worked for a little bit...but he'd call and ask for the password while I was at school (he was playing WOW and couldn't access whatever cause it was blocked), I'd question him but I wouldn't push and would give it to him (but change it later). He is also a computer whiz, so even with the software "blocking it" he'd find ways to download it (with a "safe" name, a hidden file, etc). 

He has good days and bad...when it comes to his WOW addiction. He can be on there easily for 12 hours or more a day and not go to bed and continue to play in the morning after taking a nap till 12, 2...sometimes even 5pm. 

It's an endless cycle of me nagging, being negative, and acting more like a parent then a wife. We are more like roomates at this point. I don' t want to nag or parent and I try not to but alot of stuff then falls on me and I'll ask, politely at first, to do whatever thing when he has time. Let says it's the dishes. It might be that day, or next month they get done, they can even start stinking and I'll do them..but then he gets mad (whether that be picking something up he said he would get to "when he gets to it", or cleaning). so if I leave it, and wait, but wind up, 6 times out of 10, asking or reminding, nice at first, then I eventually get irritated and can be negative or hurtful...I think I do this just to push him or gode him into....though this is stupid of me and we both become angry, and neither want's to budge.

We occasionally sleep together but often he'll crash on the couch. I used to ask him if he didn't mind sleeping the couch as he snored loud and I'm a quite sleeper. I didn't think this was negative in anyway. Eventually he just gave up and crashed on the couch rather then being asked to sleep on the sofa because I had to get up early for class. (politely usually)

But I missed him and pushed through his snoring without waking him up. So we started sleeping together again at night (sometimes)... when he's up till 5,7am in the morning playing then he doesn't want to wake me so will the fall asleep there.

I also found though that he wasn't just playing his game into the morning hours...part of this time (somtimes) is spent looking at porn. 

When I first discovered this I was crushed and confronted him after I while I'd be like I found this, why, it hurts, it makes me feel this way... 

And at first he appeared truly sorry and each time he tries to stay away but goes back to it...and each time it seems to become easier to brush it off. He know shrugs when I mention it. It still hurts when I find it (I only check his computer like once a week now) and I find myself questioning whats wrong with me? I know he feels that i'm negative all the time, he's told me that I make his lifer miserable and I suck the joy out of it (though we have our good times, he seems to remember the bad more). So I kind of understand why he would look. But we also haven't had sex or been intimate in a while it's gone from 2-4 times a week to, 1 a week, 1 a month, and know I'm lucky if it's every 3 months.

Also he says he feels like it's forced. There's no enthusiasm or passion. I should also mention we have different sexual needs. He's fine with just be given a hand, he doesn't really like being bothered with anything his for him, for me I like foreplay and passion, love making. He seems to think that only means one thing, which it doesn't. But he doesn't like talking about sex or wants or needs. Or "being told what to do"...even in a sensual way. 

I have never cheated on him, I don't even interact with other men, unless it's during school and we're put in groups or it's my classmates.

On top of his ADD I also have a genetic condition called spinocerebellar ataxia type 2. Its progressive, no cure, no treament (except as the symptoms progressed). Just have to live healthy. At first it mostly affects your balance, gait, hand eye coordination, and speech. But by 45-60 you probably won't be walking anymore, my aunt and grandma (who also had it) could not talk anymore, everything just loses control as it affects your brain, and spinal cord. Your muscles atrophy. My grandma couldn't even turn over in her bed and didn't speak a word for 10 years...she couldn't though. 

Anyways.... With that overall I'm not happy. I still love him...I can't say I like him that much...but we still get along. But I want to live a full life while I can or if we continue to go down to road we are on now and it doesn't work, I want to be able to meet someone new...while I still can. Thats sounds selfish but we're to different people know. I like kayaking, gym time, camping, outdoors, travel. None of which we've done, but we've talked about. I go to the gym by myself know, we worked out together occasionally while in Korea and I don't push going with me and working out on him. If he wants to he can, I'll invite him, hoping that he'll decide to come along..but we'll see.

I also need someone that can support my (still working one) healthy lifestyle. He would rather order in food, because it's simpler then walk the block to a teriyaki place close by (also not great but has healthier options). He's a home body, neither of us are really social butterflies, or extroverts. And used to be glued at the hip but I've learned it's best to live our own lives, we fought a lot less know that I've started doing my own things, getting out... but still.


I don't know what to do. I suggested marriage counseling/ couples therapy, and he's also brought it up, we've talked about it. I'am now going byself but it is couple therapy so he will be coming but we're going individually for the first couple times to meet and talk with the therapist to see both sides...this was something I though of doing. I'm hoping my husband will come later with me, when he's ready. 

Your thoughts or questions?

......
I should be clear. He has said before he would like us to try counseling. But we never went. I've set it up and invited him to come. When I brought it up last night, he had issues with the therapist being male. I offered to look elsewhere but he didn't want to talk about it anymore. I had made an appointment the next day before we talked that night. I went by myself, which is ok...as I can get everything of my chest that I wouldn't have if he had been there...also stuff from my childhood he doesn't know about. I will update later to include if he decides to go with me later or even individually...or if he decides not to go. 

But I'm worried, I'm keeping an open mind and we'll see what happens. He's not very reliable though. 

OH and the next morning...I asked again if he was ok with me/us going to a male therapist and he said he'd thought about it and it wasn't a problem. But he also didn't say if he was going or not. So we'll see.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I think the counseling is a good idea, and the fact that he is willing to go is a good sign.
Your husband has an addiction problem and he needs help. Hopefully your counselor will have some good resources for him. My advice about your therapist, if you don't like him/her don't be discouraged and don't quit therapy, find a different counselor.
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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I would definitely recommend the counseling too and him working on his addiction. Sorry about your situation. It sounds hard and I'm not really in a place to give advice but the counseling might really help you understand him and for him to understand his addiction.
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