# I need advice and need it fast!!!!!



## fm2652 (Aug 5, 2010)

I am a 48 year old Jewish guy with somewhat of conservative upbringing which means that I am not very religious, but I like to hold on to some of the basic beliefs and traditions. I feel that they help me to have some kind of backbone. About 13 years ago I married a Russian girl whom I met through a friend, one year older than me, but with good moral values and a decent girl, I think she still is decent. We agreed on getting married for me to help her get a green card which would take about 6 months and we agreed that we would discuss the future after she gets her green card. We had a happy life and things were fine including that she never objected my observing my religion. Shortly after she got her green card it was our mutual agreement that we would stay married since we were happy with the agreement that when we have children, our children would be brought up with Jewish education and observe things lightly to the same extent that I do, ANS SHE AGREED.
Now we have a daughter 11 years old who went to Jewish school from kindergarten till 5th grade, and with mutual agreement that the school's Judaic studies were getting too intense and somewhat outside of what we were comfortable with, we took her out and put registered her in a fancy private school, of course with the help of financial aid, as my wife insisted that that is where she like to put our daughter. Concerned about her social status, but thrilled with the quality of education, I agreed, and she will be starting that school on the upcoming Sep. 
Now for some reason my wife thinks that it has come time to stop all things that I thought was my observance of the Jewish religion and allow my daughter to break all those rules in front of me, so when I said to her that if she does it in my absence or outside the house, I will not react, but in my presence, I think it goes to being disrespectful, especially when she knows that I disapprove.
So my wife is telling me that unless I allow them to do whatever they want, she will leave, and I am at the crossroads where I feel that if my wife and my daughter have no respect for my wishes, regardless of the religion, may be I should let them leave.
Somebody out there, give me some insight. Am I insane for having some kind of traditions that I like to live by, and like to keep them in my family? or I have a right to expect?
Thank you before hand.


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## stalemate (May 13, 2010)

I have to qualify my opinion up front and say that I don't have children. But if I did it would be important that my children respect my values. It would be equally as important that my spouse respect them and encourage our children to do the same. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all in asking that in your presence they be respectful of you. 

I don't have any answers about how to change things. I just wanted you to know that you are not asking for too much.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I aggree.
She should not BLACK MAIL the man she loves and respects.
Hold your ground. What she said about "leaving" needs to be address by a pro. 
Whats next a "girls night out" in Vegas for the weekend?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Let her leave. Your daughter stays.


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## fm2652 (Aug 5, 2010)

Well, my daughter has always been very close to her mother, naturally because she spends more time with her, and the fact that my wife is so liberal that she pretty much allows her to try anything which I have a big problem with. But I think that my wife is not realizing what she is doing and she just thinks that there is no harm allowing her to try all things, and I have a huge problem with that. I think discipline is the most important thing in a young child's life, and that is why I have always felt that following the Jewish traditions, and laws somewhat teaches you how to have control over yourself and not to allow yourself go wild. My wife has resentment towards all religions at this point and sees no point of following any. She thinks G-d is for losers and winners don't need G-d. Ever since she told me that, I have stopped trying to discuss religion with her. Since she is Russian, I think that is the Communism injection in her head talking, and there is nothing I can say to change that. She feels that is the way to be, and she wants my daughter to be raised the same way, other than the fact that she plain old simple says to me that what I think is nothing but old world nonsense, and crap. She want to raise this child with giving her the freedom of all types and away from all rules except her own which really does not mount to much and my daughter tends to break her rules too anyway.
My feel is that this continuing, will put my daughter on a path of destruction, and if I can not stop this, then I do not want to witness it, and she and her mother might as well leave me.
Am I crazy to think that?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nope. Most of us think the same way.

How much time are YOU spending with your daughter, telling her what YOU believe?


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## fm2652 (Aug 5, 2010)

Of course since I work long hours, I do not spend as much time with her as my wife does, but I can tell you this, That when I do spend time with her, it is quality time, and I make sure that she understands my beliefs and my guidelines, which is why she is sort of complaining to her mother that I won't allow her to do what she wants. I am the one that checks her homework and works with her with her problems, since my wifes ability in that area is limited!!!!
My wife was a music major in Russian and she can tell you the composer of every classical music that you play for her, but when it come to science and math, she needs a calculator to count her fingers...but I have no issues with that, even though I 'd like my wife to make herself more updated with math and science, just to be able to get involved more and not to be so lost, which is how she feels now. So the answer to your question is that I do not spend a lot of time with my daughter, but the time that I do spend with her is very meaningful, and important and I know that she feels the same. I am a product of an abusive father and parents who did not know what to do with kids. I consider myself fortunate to have somewhat of knowledge, and I always tell my daughter that your education and knowledge is the most important thing you have in your life, so you must be have good education to secure a good future, which is what I am most concerned about. My wife, on the other hand thinks that oh may be some kids just don't like math or science, and we should not push them. I totally disagree and think that children become what you teach them to be. loser or winners.
I have no tolerance for laziness and stupidity, as the world today has none. Therefore I am trying to prepare a useful member for tomorrows society.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

All well and good, but what she needs most from you is love and acceptance. The #1 thing I did with my daughter was teach her that I would never judge her; I may not like what she does, but I would never put her down for what she does or says - that way, she feels safe to come to me with any problems. 

There's an awesome website called Daughters.com, started by a father, that helps you learn to be closer to your daughter and help guide her. It helped us a lot.

If I were you, the one thing I would initiate right now is for you and your daughter to start going on walks. It's the one thing DD19 and I still do today, because it's where she gets to talk about anything and relieve stress; because you're side by side, not facing each other, it is nonconfrontational, so it feels safer to talk about things that way. She needs to feel safe to talk to you. That way, when her mom gives opposing views, you can talk it over and find solutions, rather than her feeling like she has to choose one way or the other. Go for walks.


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## fm2652 (Aug 5, 2010)

It is funny you suggest walks, because that is what my wife and daughter do all the time and they talk, and I just don't get the chance to do that. May be I have to make the time, but for some reason I am feeling negative about it because, my wifes views and ways are much more appealing to my daughter than mine. How do you convince someone that it is better to be controlled as opposed to let loose and do whatever you want?
You mentioned love and acceptance, and I need to understand what that means. Does that mean that I have to accept her doings and love her no matter what? Because I might have a problem with that. My whole point is to show her the right path and hope that she makes the right decisions, and I say hope, because I know that she will not all the time, and I accept that, and will try to guide her accordingly, but we are talking about crucial times where she might develop a habitual behavior and take wrong paths all the time, which would be a result of not having learned how to judge and asses. Look, by now, I know that you think I am crazy, and in a way I know I am. We live in a world that we can not afford to make any mistakes, and any will cost a lot. My daughter future is very precious to me and I am willing to go down in history as the toughest and meanest father ever lived as long as my daughter gets it. I say that because I think being liberal as wife is will cause very complicated problems down the road. She is doing as you mentioned. Loving her as she is and accepting what she does, but what comes next? Where do you draw the line where the mistakes end? I thought by telling her that she can eat whatever with whatever, which is against Jewish guidelines, in my absence was pretty liberal, and I am feeling that may be I should not have said that, but even that was not enough and she insisted that I must accept whatever she does in my presence or not. Somehow that just shows me that she just might have been poisoned to a certain point already. Do you understand? because my wife does not. If she can not accept those simple guidelines, how will she discipline herself as an adult as tougher and more complicated decisions come?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's the thing. Girls NEED their fathers. And they CRAVE their fathers' approval. It's how we're wired. The most important person in the world to impress is our father - whether we realize it or not; or whether it takes us 30 years to figure that out, like I did. That's why it's so crucial for dads to be in their daughters' lives between the age of 10-15, when they form their self-image and morals.

I do NOT think you're wrong for wanting her to believe your beliefs. I do think that as desperate as you sound to get her to believe your beliefs, you may be developing a knee-jerk style of pushing it on her; and that won't work.

When I say to show her that you will not judge her, and will accept her, I mean that you need to let her know - through talking and actions - that you know she's a kid, she'll experiment, she'll try on new personas, maybe make some stupid mistakes...and you're ok with that. It's what kids do. It's how they grow up. And as long as they still believe in right and wrong, all that, you are confident that she will ultimately make the right decisions. That is showing her that you won't judge her if she dies her hair pink or tries marijuana, or even gets pregnant down the line. You'll be UPSET, sure. But you will still love her. 

She HAS to feel safe coming to you with her questions and her problems. Or she will shut you out and it'll take 20 years before she can open up to you again.

For example, my DD19, when she was about 16, had a male friend who moved away; I had her email passwords, and she asked me to go in and get something one day, and I found an email she sent him with some suggestive pictures of herself. You know the kind. Naturally, I panicked - what if these get out? What if he gets mad and blackmails her? All that. What I did was, I sat down on her bed and told her that I had run across the pictures. I asked her why she did it. She didn't know. That's all I said about HER part; then I asked her to think about the ramifications of what she had done. About him sharing the pictures. Of them showing up on the Internet somewhere (you could see her face). Of him getting mad at her and sending them to their mutual acquaintance (DD's long-time enemy). Now, she was both scared AND embarrassed. I gave her advice on how to handle it, and she did, and we dropped it.

Now, I could have lectured her. I could have yelled. I could have grounded her. Instead, I showed her solidarity, understanding, and wisdom. I gave her someone to model. And I showed her that when she DOES do something stupid, I won't go off on her and make her feel like dirt - she did that to herself, no need for me to. I showed her that I can be trusted to _not judge her_. See what I mean by not judging?

Now, I did NOT accept her poor behavior and I made it clear if she ever did it again, there WOULD be consequences. But she knows I expect her to make mistakes, as a kid, and I would be there to help guide her through them. See? I accept HER, I just don't accept what I consider (and what I let her know I consider) bad behavior. There's a big difference.

As for your daughter, no, you should NOT just accept whatever she does. You are still her father and you have the right to decide what she can and can't do - no matter WHAT her mom says. It's your job to communicate with your wife, work it out, and reach a consensus on how BOTH of you are going to act and what you're going to allow. It may get ugly before it gets worked out, but this is a crucial time for you to stand up for what you believe. 

You don't seem too interested in whether your wife stays or not, so you may want to consider taking this stance: You can do whatever you like, but I will not allow my daughter to follow in your footsteps; if you want to leave, you can, but my daughter stays with me. If you want to stay, you are welcome to, but my daughter will still live by my rules, AS WE AGREED.

And find reasons to go on walks with your daughter. If you have a dog, that's the best reason ever. Maybe you should get one. 

The one thing I would suggest is to find a WAY to spend more time with her now, before she's much older. I grew up helping my dad build a lake house, go fishing, stuff like that. All important memories of a daughter bonding wiht her dad; it didn't matter what it was, as long as he _wanted _to be with me. Find _something_.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, and about her complaining...it's just what they do at that age.


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## fm2652 (Aug 5, 2010)

You are very right. I think I have lost the friendship relationship with my daughter and I must try too gain it back if it is not too late.
It just happens that we did get a dog about 4 months ago and that is what they do, take Max for a walk. As I discuss things, I am starting to be able to clear some things. I think the main issue is that my wife has lost all respect for me. She thinks that my having beliefs in religion, G-d, is crap, she says I have no taste, and I'll have you know that I sell expensive handmade rugs, and I deal with upscale clients who are spending a lot of money to decorate their house, as a matter of fact my daughter has been with me on some appointments, and she has witnessed people saying that I have a good eye and great taste, but my wife is an exception to that.
As I dig deep I am starting to realize that the lack of my wifes respect for me is the root of all these issues, and if I can't get her to go parallel with me then we have big problems. I think deep inside , even though observing religious rituals are important to me, but in a sense I am making them an excuse to point out some deep rooted issues. I think you are so right about girls wanting their fathers approval. When I praise her, there is shine in her eyes that is beyond belief. I tell you Abi is a very smart girl, and throughout school she has knocked the socks of her teachers, because we are always trying to be two steps ahead. She has the greatest ability to solve math problems is her head, and there is great potentials for her. But with the turmoil that's going on, I must get a handle on things with my wife. I think it if she feels that she does not want to respect me, all around, that will be the end of the road for us, and my daughter will go with her, regretfully. It is extremely difficult for me to say that, but I will have not much of a choice. I can not degrade myself and continue with this. I think that all the way up to now that I have not said much, has been because I wanted to work things out, and be kind, but my wife is taking my kindness as a weakness and taking advantage. My problem with my daughter starts with wife, and if I can correct that, I think the rest will fall into place. I have ignored these problems with my wife for probably 2 years, may be even longer, and I have suggested to go to therapy, but she won't go, another words, it is her way or the highway. I mentioned this in the beginning of my first post, she is a nice and decent woman, but I am coming to the point that may not be enough, and she has to be smart too, at least in some issues. I have always wanted to figure out a way to bring her to a therapy session, and I think that would be a good start, but she refuses. So I will go by myself to try figure out what to do.


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## fm2652 (Aug 5, 2010)

You know, this is very twisted, but is it possible that my wife is getting back at me because of her inability to get involve with the more complicated school work? She hates when she doesn't know the stuff, and I can't say that I have been graceful about that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fm2652 said:


> I can't say that I have been graceful about that.


 She probably couldn't care less about how well she does math.

But I guarantee she cares about you not being graceful.

Time to take a good hard look at how you treat your wife. 

No disrespect, but you do seem to come across as somewhat self-righteous. That is NEVER a good thing in a marriage because it essentially tells the partner that what THEY feel or believe is wrong, worthless, and/or stupid. If you want her to respect you, you have to respect her first. And your posts are FULL of disrespect of her, her choices, and her actions.

Get the book His Needs Her Needs, and read it this week. Then go to marriagebuilders.com and print out two copies of the Love Buster questionnaire; I think there's one for male, one for female. Ask your wife to fill it out; you fill yours out. Then share. Learn what YOU do to Love Bust your wife, to make her unhappy. Let her learn what SHE does to LB you. Make a promise to stop such behavior; work on it for a solid three months, which is how long it'll take to change your habits. It will make a huge difference.

Once you have stopped LBing her, then both of you fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire. It will teach you her top 5 ENs, so that you can make sure YOU are the only person meeting those needs for her, and vice versa.

I promise doing these 3 things will make a huge difference.

And get out there with that dog! Is your marriage and daughter not worth you finding ways to get off work early at least once a week?


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## fm2652 (Aug 5, 2010)

I like your suggestions. They are probably the closest thing to going to therapy to be able to tell how to fix things. I must admit, I have been as you call self-righteous. But only because for the most part of our marriage I have been the one solving problems, and rectifying issues, ans as they say the go-to guy for everything, and that has probably made me to something I should not be. I'll follow your advice we'll see how it goes. Thank you,


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