# So Emotionally Torn



## kisses80 (Dec 9, 2012)

have been with my partner for 4 years we have 2 children together and i have 2 from a previous relationship so we have 4 in the house they all consider him dad our youngest is 7 weeks and our oldest 5 nearly 6. The thing I need advice with is it seems he is to touchy to talk to about things lets take today for example we agreed that he would get up to he kids so i can rest and then do some study as im completing a course online. well at 12.30 in the arvo i still heard the kids running around by themselves I came out to see what was happening and found my partner asleep on our oldest bed. leaving the 3 oldest kids to run around all day by themselves the 2 yea old didnt have a nappy or clothes on the other 2 were fighting. I thought i would show my partner love instead of asking him what he was doing I just got up fixed my daughters nappies and clothes did all there hair got them food then turned on some music and danced with them in the kitchen then we picked flowers outside together I did the dishes cleaned up his mess put food away that was left out. Then I set up the hose for them in the backyard and got there bathers for them. I then decided it was time to wake my partner up as it was 2.30 when i woke him up and reminded him off me needing to study he said sure ill watch the kids and then walked out to the lounge room and laid on the couch to go to sleep again. I came in and asked him what was wrong as he has kinda been ignoring the kids today and I dont think as parents thats right. I wanted to know how he was feeling and why he was acting like this so I could help. But he took what I said and started getting mad at me telling me to back off he is watching the kids and that I dont need to bring to his attention what he is doing wrong I kept pleading with him trying to explain thats not what im saying but he got louder and louder then he started to yell at me bout past arguements that i had all ready said sorry for and he had all ready told me he forgives me. He even started having a go at me for talking to our pastor about our problems when my partner rang him up and asked him to come over and talk with us. I was really confused I was trying to understand my partner I wasn't accusing him I only talked to the pastor cause my partner rang him up asking him to come over and talk with us so I thoughts that is what I was meant to do talk. I do not feel like I was been over bearing with how he watched the kids as it is just about everything that happens with the kids is what he wants and I have to shut up if i disagree then there is a huge arguement. I even simply turned the hose on for the kids to let them play with the water and make mud castles he was upset with me for that to. They are kids they should be allowed to play outside and I should be allowed to have a opinon and be a mum I feel like im been run out of my own house. He baths the baby once a week at max its meant to be his job when I tried once to tell him I think the baby should be bathed a bit more than that he told me again if I dont like how hes doing something then for me to bath the baby since I think IM better at it than him

The other day it got so bad I started screaming at him and pushing the coffee table over after begging with him to please stop condemming me over something I never said I feel lonely and hurt


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

OK -- here's what I see ...


You two have 4 children under 6 in the house, including a 7 week old infant. 
Your H is so tired that he fall asleep on the couch, on your kid's bed, etc.
You are trying to complete an on-line course (in addition to parenting your kids)
You feel that you are better at parenting your kids than your H is.
Both of you are frazzled.

I think you need to do 2 things
1) Find someone (other than your H) to help with the 3 oldest kids. Is there a relative who could take the kids for a few hours each week? Is there a local high school student who could come over and babysit (maybe as a mother's helper while you are in the house)? If your H is falling asleep while watching the kids, its not safe for the kids. You and your H need to take care of yourselves. If it's not happening then find someone to make it easier.
2) With you H, make a list of your priorities. Among the items you two should talk about are: 

your on line course. You've got too much going on right now, and it will eat you two alive. I'm normally a huge proponent of women continuing their education and being able to support themselves. But is this really the time for you to be completing a course? What will it get you? Will you be able to apply what you get out of it in the next six months? Is there a time limit that makes it essential that you work on this now?
can you agree on what is "good enough" parenting instead of insisting on "best possible" parenting. Does it really matter if you have mud piles in your back yard, or is it okay with your H to accept mess in return for letting the kids play? Does it really matter to you if your child's diaper is on perfectly? If you keep letting your H know that you think you are better at parenting, he will have little incentive to step up and help out. Playing music and dancing with the kids instead of keeping an eye on them while resting on the couch is better for the kids. BUT, as long as the children are not in danger, is it really so awful that you can't let your H watch the kids in his own way?
Your relationship as H and W as opposed to your relationship as co-parents. Are you making time for each other, or does your life revolve around the kids?
 Your mental and physical health. Are you both getting enough sleep, getting some time to relax, getting at least a small bit of time to pursue your own interests?
Once you've got your list of priorities straight, then start living by those priorities. Until your kids are all in school (which will be something like 5 years from now) things in your house are going to be chaotic. It's going to take a lot of team work to keep everyone happy and sane.


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

Yes you certainly need a plan to take some of the pressure off. It will make a big difference to you and your relationship, as well as to everyone else in your situation.


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## kisses80 (Dec 9, 2012)

im a bit confused about a couple of things couleur you have said 1st is 
my online course is benefitting us the family right now im studying bible theology and ministry i have only done 57 pg so far but im learning lots of things bout loving others unconditionally eg and i been sharing things with my partner bout what i have been learning and its been helping us a bit in our understanding and communication. I only imagine how much more it will help the further I go along with it. second its completly self paced last week I only did 1 hour of study in the whole week this week I have done no study at all so its not really putting alot of pressure on us in that sense at all and my 3rd point bout the study is this is the 1st thing I have ever done for myself when I was at high school I didnt even have a chance to complete year 10 at the min. My partner has gone to Tafe hes ver qualified painting plastering sign writing tiling and market gardens he has also done tattoos and is a very talented artist. Hes self employed to. 

My next thing I do not understand IS I never said I had a problem with how a nappy is being put on I actually said the 2 year old was running around without a nappy she had weed on the carpet and poohed. I had to come and clean it up cause he was to busy sleeping.

3rd yes we have a lot of kids, but our lives are not very busy at all as I all ready mentioned i'm doing bout 1 hour of study a week and my partner is not working at the moment, and when he does he wants to only work monday to thursday and only do 4 hours a day max which im happy with secondly all kids go to day care we have Monday to thursday of with only the baby home. only our oldest is at school and. Our baby has also been sleeping through the night from 9pm at night till 6.30 in the morning for the last 3 weeks. Most nights i can be tired as im breastfeeding and may be thinking of going to bed ill ask my partner if he wants to go to bed as its like 10.30 and he often claims hes not tired and ends up staying up to watch tv. 

the kids are in bed every night at 7.30 at the latest then its our time together we normally watch tv together or sometimes one of us goes picks kfc up, and we eat that together or play cards or word games together or sometimes just hug. As soon as the kids are in bed we are normally relaxing till we go to bed very rarely are we doing chores. During the week we often pop out for a coffee together at least once and on the weekend when kids are home we make a thing of every day sitting down together and drinking a home made coffee and telling the kids they are not allowed to talk to us for 10min. Also on the weekend we have quiet time everyday we normally have lunch then all kids go to there room, and we go into the bedroom together and have a sleep or whatever. every time the baby has been asleep to hes a very happy content baby who I do not even remember the last time he cried. we have never had the up all night thing with him once 

Friday is my H day for hobby from 10-2, and I watch the kids he can do whatever he wants even if he wants to have a sleep or do some chores or gardening or go for a job have a bath eg. Friday is the only day they don't go to day care. My hobbies are reading and internet surfing so I normally read just b4 going to bed and occasionally go to a mums group and we do crafts and stuff that's normally on a tuesday.

I don't really know why you think I think I'm a better parent than him that's what he yells at me to. The point I was trying to make is that i feel pushed out of the family by him I do not get a say bout things I don't get to look after the kids every time I try to he takes over even when I tell him I want to look after them or i'm okay hun with the kids he undermines any decision I try to make like this morning I realised Id forgotten to buy margarine and for the first time in 3 months I got to get up to the kids and get them ready he first told me I need to get margarine when I was in the middle of telling him i forgot and ill get some today then he told me I was being unfair on the children by putting jam on there sandwich without margarine. Then he asked me what fashion this is cause I had one Lil mark on my skirt. He then doubled checked that the school shoes I had put on our oldest fitted her right after I told him That I had put her new school shoes on her and its great that the fit her he still went ahead and double checked as he didn't believe me. This is only a small portion of what I get told it gets so severe I end up withdrawing and leaving him to make all decisions with the kids. And only occasionally saying my opinion to him bout what he's doing with the kids and how hes parenting but I never say it to him in front of the kids though. This is what I tried to do the other day and i got yelled at. I was just trying to find out if he needed a hand with the kids was not even telling him what he was doing was wrong and he got really angry and was yelling and swearing I got so distressed in the end I ended up screaming and crying and having a panic attack. Cause he wouldn't leave me alone I kept trying to tell him Im sorry I wasn't having a go at you I was just trying to talk to you and he would just respond with yelling and telling me I think I'm efen better than him and back off eg it went on for 6 hours the whole time me trying to apologise and explain i'm sorry it came across like that I never meant it like that can I please explain how I meant it.

I've actually been homeless because of my H i got so sick of the put downs and belittling I left with the kids at one stage and had no where to live but we found a house after 2 weeks of being in the refuge


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I don't want to be rude kisses80, but...

I find it nearly impossible to make myself read your posts due to the long paragraphs full of run-on sentences and little to no punctuation. My guess is this is why you've had so few replies to your thread. :scratchhead:


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