# trouble coping



## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I was blind sided by my husband after being married for 10 years saying that he loved me and cared for me but was not in love with me anymore. The hardest words I have ever had to hear in my life!

My husband had told me that he wanted to start a family in 2 years once our financial situation improved, but we ended up having an unplanned pregnancy in 2012. We have a beautiful 1 year old son. After having my son, I suffered from post partum depression. My husband stated that he had hinted for me to go to the doctor but I did not go right away. I finally saw the doctor and was started on medication and after 3 weeks of being on the medication I was feeling pretty good. That is when this nightmare began. My husband stated that I had treated him so badly during my time of being depressed and he did not think that he could get passed that. He stated that he was feeling this way for 4 months but never said anything about it. How do you fix something that you do not know about? 


Our relationship was strained for a few weeks and then I was noticing that he was receiving texts from one of our female friends. I asked him when the last time that he had heard from her and he told me a few days ago and then it changed to this morning. I told him, "that's funny because I just saw a message on your phone 5 minutes ago and you had checked your phone." Things were not sitting right with me so I ended up checking our phone records and they had 355 texts between the 2 of them in 12 days. I later confronted him with this and he said that they were just friends and that the conversations they were having were about stupid things. I told him that their behavior was inappropriate and that they both crossed a line that they should not have crossed. He told me that he would cut back but would not stop the texting. I told him that if I was doing that to him that he would be pissed and that the only reason why he did not see a problem with it was because he was the one doing it. I also told him that her boyfriend who was also our friend would have a problem with it also.


We separated for awhile and what it came down to was that I wanted to try to work things out but he did not. He told me that he wanted a divorce. He told me that he had moved on to better things and that I should try to do the same. 


During the last months he basically sees our son for 1 hour a day for 4 to 5 days a week. He is non existent when it comes to the weekends. My husband has never woken up with our son in the morning since the day he was born, he has given him 1 bath and put him to bed 1 night. He told me that he wants to have my son on Thursdays, Fridays and every other weekend. I think this is such a joke! He at one point had told me that if he ended up with our son he would have to put him up for adoption because he couldn't take care of him. What kind of person says that?


I filed for divorce a few weeks ago in which I caught my husband by surprise because he thought everything was going to be on his terms, since it has always been that way in the past. This is definitely the hardest thing that I have ever had to do, and some days it doesn't seem like I will get through it. Dealing with all of the different emotions is so hard because I can go from crying to having so much hate and anger which is not who I am. What I would give to feel normal again!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This guy sounds very much like he's having an affair of some sort. I expect he was surprised by your filing for divorce because he thought he'd play around a little and eventually come back home. It might be the reason he made the comment about your son being put up for adoption is that right now, he sees his life as only one of two ways (with you or with Miss Thang). Miss Thang may have made it clear she isn't going to be mommy. I'm just suggesting that you are probably dealing with more than just the motivations of you and your husband. There's a 3rd party and she's doing lots of talking to your husband. Even if he knows 100% what he would like to do, he's not entirely free to make a decision. If she dumped him, his interest in a separation or a divorce would probably disappear (at least, for now).


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

My husband has made it quite clear that me nor my son are his top priorities in life. He puts softball/sports, the bar and work ahead of us! He states he is trying to get a promotion to support his family, and I ask what family? Which then I know it is for himself. He has put me so far into a financial hole that I don't know how I'm going to get myself out of it. He was in control of our financials and I never checked on things because I trusted him. What a huge mistake. I feel like he just doesn't get anything. He states he doesn't understand why I am so angry! I've told him in the past that he has destroyed everything I know and that I will lose my house. His response is that he is losing his house too. I told him that that was his choice not mine. He wants to divide things up from the house this weekend and I don't know if I am strong enough to do that yet.


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## don'tmesswithtexas (Jul 18, 2013)

Hugs to you and I hope your attorney is giving you some good advice and ask him/her the questions you need answered about your finances. I let my STBX handle most of the finances too and he thinks it is "his"money but the divorce attorney will be addressing that notion. Fight for retirement benefits if you are entitled and make him pay child support.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I think its important for you to go a little dim right now, almost no contact, unless its about your child.

Don't mention the affair, if that's what you think it is, again. Don't instigate any contact with him. Don't even respond to every text right now. Its important that you act "as if" your moving on with your life no problem. Detach from the situation.

Guilt will catch up, but its important that its on his terms, not anything you can do or say. He needs to fall/fail before he realizes the grass isn't greener after all.

Good luck.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

What a selfish immature bastage. He is going to regret this. I hope the bf knows of this. Blow his little world up!


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I can't understand how someone can disconnect from their family so easily. Had to contact my STBXH over the weekend due to his screwing up the bank account again and our son being sick. I thought maybe he would care that his son had to go to urgent care, but asked very little about how he was doing. How can someone be so selfish?


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I don't know how people like my husband and my "friend" live with themselves. How do you do these type of things to someone that you supposedly love? I'm still struggling with the fact that my husband tells me that I am a good person, but obviously not good enough for him to be with.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have asked myself all these same questions and reached out to ex as well to try and get the answers, but they aren't there. They are inside of you. Easier said than done b/c it is so hard not to have contact with them, but I am reading a book right now about the no contact and it all makes sense to me. Good luck to you and I really hope that you have a lawyer to talk to and get you the things that you need in order to move on from this guy who doesn't deserve you or your son.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Rarely do you find the reasons for closure immediately

it will come out, be patient

as for now, work on you, new look, new attitude

Volley your H may not realize what he had, until it is gone

if you want him to miss you, keep contact to minimum

child of course but for bills......restrict it to email only

just my thoughts

best of luck, I am sorry you are here


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

Have you told your 'friend's boyfriend that she is texting your husband so much? Have you done any checking to see if they are having a physical affair as well as an emotional affair?


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

The friend's boyfriend travels for his job quite often, and I did not know how to contact him but I did run across his phone # on something my husband had saved on our computer because they play baseball together. I did contact him and we spent 2 hours talking. He had no clue as to what was going on. He told me that he came home from being out of the country and his girlfriend was acting different. They went to dinner and he was told that she couldn't do it anymore. She gave him an ultimatum of quitting his job or them breaking up. 3 days after that conversation is when my husband told me that he wanted the divorce. The boyfriend was in shock and last I heard he moved out of the house (they had been together for 8 years). My husband swears he did not cheat on me, but I did find texts on his phone calling her baby and her texting him that she missed him. Physically I do not know if he cheated on me, but emotionally he definitely did. I'm not sure which one is worse. He always told me that he would never do something like this to me because we had gone through so much with his family with cheating and divorce.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Why do we allow ourselves to go backwards? I had to check something regarding our cell phone bill and of course my stupid self decided to check on my STBXH text messages to his "friend". Of course the only thing it did was make me upset and cry. It is still so hard to accept that he chose her over me and my son. Why is it so hard to let go and not worry about what he is doing? I'm not sure if part of it is because I am so angry with the situation he left me in, but I seem to cause myself more pain. Why do we punish ourselves for something somebody else did to us?


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## Corso (Jul 16, 2013)

Volley,
I completely understand how you feel, and it hurts bad! 

I am having a tough time as well dealing with those issues. 

My STBX had a affair 2 years ago that we really fought about and separated for a month or two. At that time I didn't believe she had it in her to be physical. 
So I forgave her because I wasn't completely innocent on the starting of it (neglect). 
So we decided to give our marriage another shot.
She proclaimed she was manipulated by him and over the course of the past two years would always make comments about how scary he was and what a loser and hopes he dies and hates him, and would cry at what a big mistake she made to me, my family, her family just to get sympathy. 
Well this past weekend when I told her I filed for divorce, she blocked me on FB and 10 minutes later she was friends with this monster and commenting on his pictures like they never even stopped talking 
Extremely painful to find out I forgave her for that as well as my family and have been comforting her for her poor decision for two years now, when she would get upset about it.

The best advice I can give and what has made me feel the best so far is talking to my family and friends.
when I am trying just to do something, I think to much, but talking to a family member and getting that support on making the right decisions has made me feel the best so far, as well as a few friends who have been through it. 
They know you can't just not think about it. My brain as soon as I wake up is running and it doesn't stop until I fall asleep, but If I can get into a conversation with someone that helps even fi only for a few minutes. I will pray for you as I know it is painful.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Thank you for your support and I always welcome prayer because people in these situations need all the prayers they can get. I am sorry to hear that your STBX has put you through the things that she has. My STBXH continues to make financial issues for me and I don't know how much more I can take. I have our first court hearing in about a week and a half. I am scared beyond belief. I have not seen my STBX in person for 2 months. The thought of seeing him again and the situation just frightens me and I know I will need to control my anger. The only thing that is good about the court hearing is that I should definitely get primary placement of my son and hopefully some of the financials will get straightened out. If anyone has any advice for me regarding upcoming court please share it with me. Thanks all for listening!


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

I'm sorry that I don't have much advice about the court hearing. I can say get counseling to get thru this. It helped me focus on myself and fix some things about me. 

Go jogging to clear your head. Put some headphones and get a nice playlist of songs that just motivate you that aren't about love.
Fill your time up with some laughter such as a funny movie or some funny shows. 
Remember who the person who your STBX fell in love with. I assume that person had a great smile that could easily lighten up someone's day. 
Focus on your son. Playing with my 5 yr does nothing but bring me joy. I hope this all works out the best for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Thanks for the advice, I have been going to counseling on and off and I did make an appointment mid week next week to prepare myself for court. I am trying to focus on me and my son, and my son always brings a smile to my face. I ended up with the best part of my STBX and that is my son and I did tell him that but I also told him that I hope he is nothing like him. Probably not the best thing to say. I am still trying to find the person that I was before I met my husband and that may take some time just because I do put most of my energy into my son. I want to make sure that my son knows he is loved even if it is only by one parent.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Volley. I can empathize because my husband has used the very same words and reacted the same way with me. Earlier today, he basically said that he thinks he can find someone better!!!! I was so upset that I couldn't cry. I wanted to rip his throat out (only figuratively)!

But I truly understand how you feel. This place we all find ourselves in is a very unique club. One of lonely hearts but of strong will! I hope you are okay!


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I try to stay strong for my son. I went to my nephew's birthday party and made it through without crying. It is still hard to go to family functions by myself! Still hating the fact that I live this crap and then dream about it. I can never get away from it. I think some of this is catching up with me because I'm pretty exhausted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I feel absolutely destroyed and defeated today and exhausted from crying. It's catching up with me. I don't recognize the person in the mirror anymore. I wish I could stop caring about my STBX because I know he doesn't care about me! All of a sudden he is buying food for my son the last 2 weeks and gave me $ for dog food which he has done neither for the last 4 months. I know he's probably doing this because court is coming up. I know he deserves what's coming to him in court but it's still hard to do this. I still care about him and I feel bad that this is how it has to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Does anyone else believe in karma? My STBX got into a 5 car accident yesterday. This is his 2nd accident in the 4 months that he has been gone and now he totalled his car. His dad called me to let me know. I don't know if I did the right thing but I called him to make sure he was ok, which he is. He did thank me for calling. Does anyone have any thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Calling concerning his well being is fine....he is father of your child

but leave it only at that...... "I'm glad you are okay. goodbye"

I completely understand you saying you hope your son does not turn out 

like him but it is not wise to tell him that

it places him as 'he must now take sides' and no child should be 

forced to do that. Children are often used as pawns in a D

not saying yours but the overall majority

He is playing MrNiceGuy with court approaching

may be reason behind this

Only you know exactly what he does leading up to something

he wants to situationally -take advantage of-

stay focus with the D proceedings but work on yourself too

you will have a time for sighs and reflections after 'the war' is over

stay sharp for your well being and your son's

I am sorry you are having to go through this


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Having a really hard time today leading up to court tomorrow. I found out that my STBX agreed to the current placement arrangements which means he will be with me. I don't plan on using my son to get to my X. My son means too much to me and his dad could care less about him. I just wish it would all be over, not sure if I'm strong enough for this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I don't think that people like this CAN be like "us" meaning... I don't think your H is the type of person that cares and considers others, like normal people do.

So how can he detach? Simple... he probably never had an attachment that was healthy in the first place.

It's not your fault at all, there is nothing you could have done better or differently.

Good lawyer and you will find someone who is worthy of your love soon


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I see him as cold and selfish just like my stbxh. Trust me, I have been married 30 years to a man like him. Run as fast as you can. He will not change....ever !
Be strong!


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Got through court today without crying. My STBX looks like crap, put on some weight. He wouldn't even look at me. He was livid with how much he has to pay me and I get primary placement for now. I'm just happy this part is over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Why is it that I feel bad about what happened in court yesterday? I know part of it is because some things that my lawyer used yesterday were things that I knew would hurt my STBX. I never wanted things to be this way. My STBX told his Dad that he needed to make a choice between him or me
Then yesterday he defriended his sister on Facebook because she's friends with me. I just feel bad that everyone is stuck in the middle of this nightmare. Is this normal?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Sadly it is very normal

you do not just marry the spouse, you marry the family

sometimes we think, ahhh his / her family is off their rocker

but by baby... he / she is not..........

we all know how that statement is usually debunked


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Why do I let him do this to me? My STBXH came by the house tonight to go through some of our things and ever since he left I've been crying. I know he'll never understand what he has done to me. I found out that he is moving in with the "friend". I get into a room with him and everything goes out the window. 

He told me he regrets some of his decisions and that he should have fought harder for us but that it's too late. He explained that he was in a bad place and went to her for help instead of me. He said that he felt that I did not appreciate him and he felt that I did not love him anymore. He said he felt that whatever he did he felt like he couldn't make me happy. I told him that after being married for 10 years you couldn't talk to me. I told him that I tried to help him in any way I knew how and he said he knew that
I told him that I have a big heart and I know I open myself up to things but I told him that he broke my heart and that I don't know if I can ever be with anyone else. I told him that he'll never know how it feels to have your spouse defend another woman to you. Will this pain ever go away?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

It will go away. Time will help. Until it starts to fade, all you can do is the ride the emotions. Post on TAM, talk to friends, go to IC when it gets too intensely sad or despairing or anger filled. 

But, ultimately, time and distance will help. You'll see him and the marriage more clearly for what it was, particularly the parts that weren't working for you or weren't what you wanted.

You will still have bad days for some time (holidays, personal traditions, etc.), but they will get less frequent over time. Some of the worst stuff is behind you. Embrace that and how you've made it this far.

You will be happy again. If you want, you will find someone to be happy with. 

Give yourself permission to feel the emotions and give yourself time to recover.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I went to IC today and usually schedule something when I feel like things are getting out of control. Time is such a hard thing to wait for when you feel this way. I'm absolutely exhausted! I'm tired of living this and dreaming about it. It just never seems to go away. My counselor keeps telling me that I'm doing great given everything I have been dealt. She tells me I'm too hard on myself and that I should be proud in how far I've come. I know I've made some progress because I'm not crying every day. I just wish the process would speed up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

WTF my STBXH requested me as a friend on Facebook this after defriending his own sister because he didn't want me to get information about him on there. He had previously told me he defriended everyone who had a connection to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Today has been one of those days of trouble holding it together. I'm so exhausted and have decided to leave everything in God's hands. I feel like my STBX is trying to be my friend and I am no where near that point. I feel like he expects everyone to be on his time frame because he is ok with his decisions. I don't know if I'll ever be ok with his decisions. The thought of this other woman with my son makes me sick to my stomach!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

V,

Sorry you are going through this. I never thought I would survive but I did. 

What are you doing for yourself girlfriend besides the IC (which is a must)?

Have you tried to reconnect with old friends? Do you exercise? Church? Volunteer?

We need to get you out and about living life focusing on you

I don't want to sound rude, but I want to hear about Volley going out and having a good time with friends and/or colleagues. I want to hear about Volley living life and healing.

Acknowledge that you need to start living your new life then do it.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

I agree with Stretch - it's the hardest thing when you feel you need to make sense of what craziness has taken over your life. 

I have had a very similar thing happen - an ex-H who left amidst physical and emotional health issues (I just had a miscarraige and surgery), also with another woman, a "friend" of ours, waiting in the wings. They are now together and I hear you completely about being sick to my stomach knowing she has any contact with my D, who is 7.

But I have found that there is a way through, and it is in being good to yourself. Feel your emotions as much as you need to - find the friends who will hear you out, message here, scream into your pillow or take up kickboxing (I did, and it helped!)

The emotional stress of this kind of a thing - especially when it involves betrayal, and when you are mum to such a young child - can take you out, and that's even without all the destructive thoughts that are so easy to have (going back over the past, what went wrong, replaying conversations). 

Remember to breathe every day, deep breaths that help your lungs (which are the centre for grief in traditional Chinese medicine), and eat as well as you can. If you're not eating much, at least get some vitamins. B especially is good for stress. 

You will be okay. Repeat it as a mantra to yourself every night and every morning before you get up. Because you will.


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## Claufjdia (Sep 26, 2013)

Fight for retirement benefits if you are entitled and make him pay child support.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I am trying to focus on myself and my son, some days go better than others when it comes to that. I had a great day today by going to the farmers market with my in-laws. I bought my sister-in-law a beautiful bouquet of flowers and shared coffee with my father-in-law. We sat by the lakefront and enjoyed the scenery and weather. I shared a muffin with my son. We all enjoyed ourselves.

My son and I also went to dinner with a close friend and her boyfriend. My friend is a huge support and God send! They are great with my son and they don't mind him coming with me everywhere. Over all a great day today!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Recently found out that there is a good possibility that if we would do a short sale on our house we would probably owe quite a bit of money. I spoke to my STBXH regarding this and he acts like it's no big deal. I told him that I can't see paying that much money with nothing to show for I'm thinking of doing a loan modification to see if I can keep the house for me and my son. Has anyone else been through this and just wondering what people think. This is the kicker, after talking to him he texted me asking if I wanted any of the products his company makes and he would drop them off when he sees our son. Like this is supposed to make up for the terrible position he has put my son and I in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you ever hear from WWBF?

Your ILs don't seem keen on WW. 

Are you exercising and eating right?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry V but I am going to hijack your thread for a minute.

I have said many times on this site that contact sets you back. Today, I am reminded of my own advice as my stbxw decides to send an email to see how I am doing after 3 or 4 months of no contact (no kids to require communication). From me, all business on the return and an update on the schedule for completing the steps for the divorce.

I feel like crap right now and it is because of contact. By staying away, am I not addressing my feelings of anger, betrayal and grief? I don't know, but this sucks. I feel like an alcoholic that has to start the days sober count all over again.

I'll be fine but I needed to blow off some steam.

Staying strong,
Stretch


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I heard from the WWBF about 2 weeks ago and that is when I found out that my STBXH had bought a cheap cell phone to continue texting the B**** when he told me he would cut back. The BF says that he is happy and that we just need to get me to that point. I don't know if talking to him hurt me more because sometimes finding more things out hurts more.

The BF also told me that the WW was calling me a crazy B**** and said what kind of person keeps their son from seeing his father. I confronted my X on this and told him she has no right to say anything about me!

The IL's are not happy with the situation especially because she claimed to be my friend.

I do try to exercise and eat right but sometimes I don't feel like eating. My appetite is better now than in the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

So my STBXH came and moved all of his stuff out of the house. My basement looks like a ghost town. It makes me really sad. This Saturday would be our 11th anniversary which really hurts. I think of how fast everything happened, everything was fine 1 year ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Sorry Volley, this is how it happens for folks on TAM telling their stories. It's fast and blindsiding and we just can't believe how much has changed. You were deceived and you're just catching up with where he's been for a long time.

I saw your earlier question about the house. You can request a loan mod to avoid a short sale. You can also do an assumption with your lender. Or a refi, if you can afford it. There are programs (HARP is one) that the feds set up and the major servicers are participating in to help people who can afford their payments and want to stay in their houses.

I'm doing an assumption, once the divorce is final. Basically, it removes my stbxw's name from the mortgage and when I sell, all profits are mine. I can afford to keep the house and perhaps you can too, with alimony, child support and whatever else you have for monthly income. 

Talk to your lender, as they will likely have many program options for you. All will be better for them, than a short sale or foreclosure. Take some patience pills though, because they don't make it easy (we do most of the paperwork) and it can take a while.

Good luck with the house. And try to get out and distract yourself during the anniversary. My last one was in September and I was so busy, I didn't think of it very much. 

Take care.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Went to court today for mediation. I'm having a hard time because I can't let go to let my STBXH have my son. He states he wants to see my son more, funny how he thinks seeing his son 1 hour a day 4 to 5 days a week is being a dad and making time for his son. How can I let go, I am the one who is taking care of my son all of the time with help from family. I have such high anxiety thinking about this. I feel like my son is slipping away from me. Can anyone offer advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Stretch said:


> Sorry V but I am going to hijack your thread for a minute.
> 
> I have said many times on this site that contact sets you back. Today, I am reminded of my own advice as my stbxw decides to send an email to see how I am doing after 3 or 4 months of no contact (no kids to require communication). From me, all business on the return and an update on the schedule for completing the steps for the divorce.
> 
> ...


HOLY CRAP!

After 14 months of 180/NC/Going Dark, my WAW, says she needs to talk to me and proceeds to tell me she wants to get back together.

Two things here folks, this is not good news for me, look for it on other threads as to why. Most Importantly, for those of you that want to reconcile, this is hope for you if you follow the Divorce Busting protocol.

HOLY CRAP!


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Stretch said:


> HOLY CRAP!
> 
> After 14 months of 180/NC/Going Dark, my WAW, says she needs to talk to me and proceeds to tell me she wants to get back together.
> 
> ...


HOLY CRAP Indeed. What are you going to do?


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Impossible decision ahead of me.

Hoping someone would tell me what to do, but I own this one and I change my mind about 10 times a day.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

No more thread hijacking for me. 

This is Volley's thread, let's give her the help she needs.

To follow Stretch,

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/129066-hope-divorce-busting-success-story-kind.html

Be strong.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Why do these feelings continually creep back up on me? I am much better than I was but still sometimes have those times when I start crying out of nowhere. I still have those stupid dreams and still am haunted by my STBXH defending the b**** to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Still working through the emotions V; it's normal. Just keep working through them and feeling them. If you stop this process, you will get stuck.

Sorry for a rough day. Go do something for you. It will refocus your mind and feed your ego.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Not sure what I should do, STBXH texted me to meet with him to talk. I asked him what we needed to talk about and he said he wants to talk about our son and he wants to tell me some things about himself but wanted to do it in person. Is this a good idea?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

volley said:


> Not sure what I should do, STBXH texted me to meet with him to talk. I asked him what we needed to talk about and he said he wants to talk about our son and he wants to tell me some things about himself but wanted to do it in person. Is this a good idea?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know your sitch, but I think not. Ask him to write the things about himself in a letter and you can discuss once you're ready.

Can you face him now? It may be a mea culpa, it may be a ton of blameshifting sh!t. It's probably a combo.

Expect the best, prepare for the worst. This is more likely to be the worst. Can you face him and stay strong with your boundaries for you? If the answer is yes, do it. If not, ask for a letter and tell him you'll meet to discuss when you're ready.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I held up pretty well through seeing my STBXH. He basically said that it's hard to communicate through texts and wanted to sit down and talk. He told me that his focus is on his relationship with his son and he wants us to have a good relationship for our son. He claims that even though he is living with the B**** they are not dating or boyfriend/girlfriend. He states he doesn't know where their relationship will be in the future or ours. He told me that he almost came home twice at the beginning of our separation. I asked him why he didn't and he said that he didn't think I wanted him to come home because when I had been around him all I did was either cry or leave the house. Not really sure what to think of things. I let him know that if he really means what he says about his son that I am open to making arrangements for him to see him for longer amounts of time or on the weekend but I put that on him. He did hug me before he left the house. I'm not sure what to think about everything but I have been up since 2:30am.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

If you want to try and save your marriage then you have to drive the process.

You can straighten your X out by saying, you want to try to save our marriage but he has to want it. Attempting will have ground rules set by you (boundaries), like counselling, no contact with posOW, transparency on all forms of communication, etc. If he comes back, start your work together. 

In the meantime, back to working on you. Exercise, counselling, socializing, etc. You may decide that you want to move on without him.

That BS about crying and such are just execuses. How could there not be crying and hard discussions.

Good luck, be strong and you drive,
Stretch


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Agree with Stretch.

V, he is sleeping with the OW. He's not living with her for convenience sake. That's what his mom, brother, best friend from college is for. He's imagining his new improved life with her and that involves playing house, which involves sex.

He gave you a hug, so he could get a physical sign from you that he's an ok guy and what he's done is not bad. Don't hug him anymore. It hurts you and gives him an emotional top off.

Take care.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

STBXH came to see our son yesterday and we talked about a few things that were bothering me from the last conversation we had had. Things just don't seem to add up and him saying that him and the B**** are not together but doesn't know what the future holds, could live at her house for 6 months or forever. I don't know why I do this to myself. I did ask him if he still had feelings for me and he says that he cares about me. He said he doesn't think our relationship can ever be the same and that he sees me moving forward and wants me to continue to do so. He said he doesn't want to see me back where I was if things wouldn't work out but doesn't know what the future holds. I feel like he dumps a lot of crap on me and then leaves. Why do I continue to put myself out there because all it does is bring pain.

Went to my sister-in-law's surprise party last night and this is the first time I have seen his extended family. They are wonderful people but I still cried a lot after leaving. It brings a lot of pain. I have decided as of late that I am putting everything in God's hands because I cannot do this my way anymore and know I cannot handle it on my own!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Go No Contact on him. That will give you space to be sad, angry, etc and work through your emotions to get to a more peaceful spot.

If he is dumping stuff on you (and he likely is), no contact will remove that opportunity from him.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

My STBXH came over yesterday to see our son, which I kept everything to generic topics. He watched me give our son a bath and put him to bed. He stayed an extra 30 to 45 minutes. I'm not sure what to do, I know I should not talk to him much which is fine but I'm afraid that if I will not accommodate him to see our son he will use that against me. Right now he has to have supervised visitation by either myself or his father. We have mediation on Friday. I can tell I am getting stronger and I am now focused on myself and son because I am trying to stay in the house and do what's best for us!


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Hell ya girlfriend!

You stay strong. You are doing the best you can with the extended exposure. Half the battle is acknowledging that you have to be all business. Over time it gets easier as you are already feeling.

You are making me smile today!

Be strong,
Stretch


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I feel like I'm going backwards and am worried about going into self destruct mode. There are things I know I probably should not do but I do them anyway (like too much caffeine which gives me heart palpitations). I just don't want to deal with this stuff anymore. I still think about my STBXH all of the time and wonder why I feel the way I do and he is doing anything and everything he wants to do. Just really getting tired of feeling broken.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

volley said:


> I feel like I'm going backwards and am worried about going into self destruct mode. There are things I know I probably should not do but I do them anyway (like too much caffeine which gives me heart palpitations). I just don't want to deal with this stuff anymore. I still think about my STBXH all of the time and wonder why I feel the way I do and he is doing anything and everything he wants to do. Just really getting tired of feeling broken.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry that I don't recall, but are you in IC Volley? That will help talk through the days that are bad and the emotions that got you there.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I went to IC yesterday because I knew I was going down the wrong path. I feel a little better today. My counselor keeps reminding me that I cannot worry about the things I cannot control. How I cannot control my STBXH 's actions and that he will fall on his face and that karma will come back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Is it normal to have such feelings of hate towards your STBX? I have been feeling ill feelings toward him and hoping something bad happens to him. I'm not sure if I feel this way because it would make things so much easier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Heh... Just now I feel so much hatred towards ex for his stupid multiple EA, for his stupid inability to stop texting old girlfriends, for making me feel ugly, unwanted, for everything!!!!

I still have the sense to know that not all of it was his fault, but I hate him anyway!!!!!!!!!!

I hate him hate him hate him (the bottom line is I hate him for not wanting to work on our marriage)

I don't want or hope that something bad happens to him. I hate him but want him to be healthy and whole. He is pretty messed up.

BUt I DO HATE HIM! so yeah, I think in our situation is normal.

Just don't hate him for too long, it will only damage you!


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Had a rough weekend feeling down in the dumps. My STBXH's birthday was last Thursday and I was going to wish him a happy birthday if we were on good terms. We ended up not being on good terms after our mediation on Tuesday. 

Things went pretty well for me but then all hell broke loose after we left. We went down in the same elevator and he asked if he could ask me a question and I said fine. He asked when I thought I would be comfortable with our son staying overnight with him. I told him I didn't know (mind you he has only spent extended periods of time with him the last 2 weeks). I also told him that the court frowned upon a child spending overnights with another female present when we are not officially divorced. I told him we were not in the same situation, because I don't think he would be happy if I had another guy living in the house with are son. He told me you're right, we're not in the same situation. I told him that these were all his decisions and he continues to make poor ones. He told me I made decisions too. He told me he only made one decision and that was to leave me. He asked me what poor decisions he is making. I told him that the biggest one was moving in with the person that caused such a big problem with our relationship. He got mad and walked away from me.

I know I should have left well enough alone, but he knows how to manipulate me. We have not talked or texted since Tuesday, he went to Memphis on Wednesday and has not seen his son since last Monday.

I spent some of the weekend crying, things are just so hard and seem like this process takes forever. I'm not feeling so good about myself. I just wish this would all be over.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I was devastated by an e-mail I received from my attorney yesterday stating that my STBXH's attorney said her client was not happy with the mediation agreement that we both signed. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm exhausted by this whole process. I found out our pretrial is set for 3/31/14. I told my Stbxh that I will probably be dead before our divorce is final, that would probably make him happy because then he wouldn't have to pay child support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

volley said:


> I was devastated by an e-mail I received from my attorney yesterday stating that my STBXH's attorney said her client was not happy with the mediation agreement that we both signed. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm exhausted by this whole process. I found out our pretrial is set for 3/31/14. I told my Stbxh that I will probably be dead before our divorce is final, that would probably make him happy because then he wouldn't have to pay child support.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't do that! It just lets him know that he can still manipulate you. Do the 180 - it _will_ make you feel better. Go completely dark on him. Make him wonder what YOU are doing. Act happy he is gone - especially if you aren't!

As for the mediation agreement, I hope your attorney pointed out to the other one that his/her idiot client _signed it_ so he just needs to suck it up.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Thanks for the support! I have been trying to do the 180 but I find it very hard. I'm trying to take care of myself but have found I am losing a lot of hair, my nails are peeling, my stomach is messed up, and I've lost 45 pounds so far. I scheduled an appointment to see the doctor tomorrow. I work in healthcare, so I know better but when it's yourself it's a totally different story. I think we make the worst patients. I know that I am very hard on myself but it's hard not to be when everything feels like it's falling apart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

V,

Sending you some white light girlfriend. You let that hate motivate you to survive and thrive.

Good luck with the doctor. Your physical challenges are common. Try to find a way to burn stress for you and your son.

Do you have any friends that you can hang with and get some quality social time. I went to my goddaughter's graduation party when I was about as low as I could go. I was so happy to get some relief by being happy for someone else and my pride for her accomplishment.

Hugs from Stretch


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I feel like I am constantly fighting a losing battle. Things may go OK for a few days and then there is a setback. How do u deal with not spending the holidays with your little one? I can't stand the thought. This is not how things are supposed to be! It breaks my heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

volley said:


> I feel like I am constantly fighting a losing battle. Things may go OK for a few days and then there is a setback. How do u deal with not spending the holidays with your little one? I can't stand the thought. This is not how things are supposed to be! It breaks my heart.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is tough. I did it by pretending it was any other day (other than calling them to tell them I loved them and asking what they got)... then had MY holiday when I had them. Take happiness where you find it and ignore the rest.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

No doubt it is difficult but the hard reality and opportunity is to start new traditions that will replace old ones.

Celebrate on a predictable date, maybe. There are twelve days of Christmas. How about trying to celebrate all twelve and when you have to be away from your kids, you catch up on the next day you can celebrate together?

This is the season of LOVE. Love conquers all and is not limited to one day per year 

Merry Christmas,
Stretch


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

What do you do when your life has turned out to be nothing like you thought or felt it should be? I never thought I would be a single parent and alone. It's so hard to accept along with the thought of losing my house. Some of the loneliest feelings. How did I end up with all of the responsibility. How do you fight the feelings of wanting to shutdown and giving up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry for the tough love coming up.

Time to end the pity party. I know several people that would do anything to have a child, your child(ren) are your gift and whether you are married or single strikes me as irrelevant when it comes to being a parent?

I moved out of my house and live with my mother. Do you think that was one of my visions of success as I approach 50? I have a damn roof over my head and food to eat and a job to go to. I am going to count my blessings because our situations could be so much more dire.

In this season of hope and love, Merry Christmas all.

Stretch


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

volley said:


> What do you do when your life has turned out to be nothing like you thought or felt it should be? I never thought I would be a single parent and alone. It's so hard to accept along with the thought of losing my house. Some of the loneliest feelings. How did I end up with all of the responsibility. How do you fight the feelings of wanting to shutdown and giving up?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like you're ready to read Anthony DeMello's Awareness.

http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/tonyawareness.pdf

What you are worrying about are labels.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

volley said:


> What do you do when your life has turned out to be nothing like you thought or felt it should be? I never thought I would be a single parent and alone. It's so hard to accept along with the thought of losing my house. Some of the loneliest feelings. How did I end up with all of the responsibility. How do you fight the feelings of wanting to shutdown and giving up?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can't give up. You're a parent and you deserve to be personally happy.

This period is tough, but life isn't supposed to be anyway. It just is. All kinds of other tragic things besides divorce could have happened to change how you had planned your life. This is your new reality. It's not what you wanted, but it's what you have.

You have your child(ren). You have your health, I hope. You have a job, I hope. Focus on the little good things day by day and you'll realize some day that you're content with things as they are. 

It's great to make plans, but as the quote goes, life is what happens while we're making other plans.

Focus on what happened good today. After my first divorce, I would replay the day's smiles, playing, time with my kids as I fell asleep. That will help you end the day on a good note.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Stretch said:


> Sorry for the tough love coming up.
> 
> Time to end the pity party. I know several people that would do anything to have a child, your child(ren) are your gift and whether you are married or single strikes me as irrelevant when it comes to being a parent?
> 
> ...


I get it and am wondering if you have any children. I have been doing this on my own since I became pregnant. Considering I was putting a dresser together on my hands and knees 2 weeks before I was due while my husband sat and watched football on TV. I was hoping at some point he would be happy about having a child! It is very difficult being a good parent when you have a very active child and are trying to still process everything and work full-time and trying to keep a roof over your head and take care of 2 dogs when your not receiving child support on a regular basis. Not to mention dealing with someone who tries to manipulate you at every turn and in every situation. 

I know my posts sound like a pity party but I post what I feel at that time and I have been having a hard time. I take marriage seriously and I feel like a failure being in this situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

V,

Hope this note finds you in good spirits.

It seems like such a cruel irony that when you are hurting the most, you have to work through the logistics of life, aka housing, career, etc. Really cruel.

At some point or at many points you will reflect on your journey and feel confident that you were able to juggle all of these difficult responsibilities.

Keep plugging away, one step at a time. You are finding your new equilibrium, your new life and as it settles your eyes will open to optimisms of the future.

I do not have children by choice. However, I am confident that your child will see your strength, be proud of you and you will always be their hero. Your child will be your strength, your therapy, your never ending source of unconditional love and joy.

Your bond will be stronger than steel.

My hope and prayer for you is to absorb the healing that you can get from your child.

Merry Christmas V,
Stretch


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

He is a cheater. You are getting rid of him. Go to the gym. Enjoy your beautiful boy.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

So this is the lovely text I received from my STBXH girlfriend, "It's sad to hear of the person you've become and how you treat your STBXH after all he's done for you.
He doesn't deserve it and neither does the little boy being kept from his father. Hopefully the games will stop in 2014 and everyone can move on with their lives. Your son needs both of his parents equally and would appreciate it much more if you had a good relationship."

My first reaction was to send her something back but I did not, instead I sent a text to my STBXH telling him that I would appreciate it if his girlfriend never contacted me again. He asked about what and I told him to ask her but that it would be appreciated.

Her text upset me very much because I don't like to be criticized and I still second guess myself a lot. I believe I handled this in the right way and I know I should consider the source. I wish they would just leave me alone, they have already done enough damage! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Weird that she had the nerve to stick her face in your business.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Weird that she had the nerve to stick her face in your business.


yup, poor boundaries. It's not her effing business and to stick her nose in shows that she feels entitled to jump in where she has no business being.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

That's exactly how I feel, she has no right to 
get involved with my child, she is not his parent. Funny that this text came from a home wrecker! My father-in-law confronted my STBXH on this and he acted like it was no big deal. My father-in-law told him she overstepped her bounds and she has no right, that this is between him and I. I personally think she was trying to ruin my night, which in some ways she did but I did not give her the satisfaction of letting her know.

Recently my STBXH insists that he come to the house to discuss my son's visitation schedule. His Dad told him that I don't want to see him and my STBXH does not understand why. I feel that when we see each other he manipulates me and I don't want to put myself in that situation anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Sounds like you're ready to read Anthony DeMello's Awareness.
> 
> http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/tonyawareness.pdf
> 
> What you are worrying about are labels.


I want to thank you for suggesting that I read this and it has helped quite a bit. The labels were something that I was worried about but I can't because they don't matter and this situation was what I was dealt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

volley said:


> I want to thank you for suggesting that I read this and it has helped quite a bit. The labels were something that I was worried about but I can't because they don't matter and this situation was what I was dealt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're welcome.

Someone on this forum suggested I read it also.

It helped me tremendously.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

volley said:


> Recently my STBXH insists that he come to the house to discuss my son's visitation schedule. His Dad told him that I don't want to see him and my STBXH does not understand why. I feel that when we see each other he manipulates me and I don't want to put myself in that situation anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Volley, the more you can develop rules on how to deal with STBXH, the better you'll be. If you have some guidelines in your own mind, it's easier to just engage on kid stuff and let the manipulation stuff go, ignore it, whatever. Think hard about what those guidelines need to be for you. It took me years to develop some of them with X1.

One that I recommend is only respond to questions about the kiddo. Ignore statements. Those are said to elicit responses without a question about the kiddo. They're said to complain about life or try to blame hardship on you.

Work on some guidelines to make it easy for you. Think about things that are in the best interest of the kiddo and you two parenting. If the best way to exchange custody is at neutral spot or your parents' house, do it. It's not punitive, it's just making it easy for you two to not engage in BS and fight in front of the kiddo.

PM me if you want to chat about ideas you come up with or post them here. You'l probably get good feedback from others than me on this situation.

You'll be amazed at how much more calm your life feels once you establish these guidelines. You won't have to overthink every interaction, you just can put the mental energy into your guidelines and then use those to respond to questions or manage the parenting relationship. It also makes it easier to make your interactions about the kiddo and not your failing relationship.

Take care.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

It never stops with this guy! I just received a letter from my STBXH's attorney stating that I have cut back his time with our son and if it doesn't change she will file something with the court against me. All he does is lie, I have justification for everything and funny thing is we just discussed his visitation and his time is increasing with our son. Funny how it's ok for me not to receive my child support and do you think he cares if I have enough money to provide for our son. Everytime I see this a$$hole he's wearing something new.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I love getting surprise mail, it seems like every time I get mail there is a surprise letter
I recently received a letter from our energy company stating that our account was canceled and if I did not respond within 5 days they may shutoff my electricity. Would have been nice if my STBXH would have told me he was going to cancel the account. I thought he was just going to take his name off of the account because I am the one living in the house with our son and dogs and paying the bill. Funny how he cares so much about his son but does not care if he is in a house that is warm and has electricity. 

I did recently join a gym to help get rid of some of my stress. This is a big step for me because working out in front of strangers increases my anxiety but I think this is something good for me and that is why I am there, for me. Stepping out of my comfort zone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

volley said:


> It never stops with this guy! I just received a letter from my STBXH's attorney stating that I have cut back his time with our son and if it doesn't change she will file something with the court against me. All he does is lie, I have justification for everything and funny thing is we just discussed his visitation and his time is increasing with our son. Funny how it's ok for me not to receive my child support and do you think he cares if I have enough money to provide for our son. Everytime I see this a$$hole he's wearing something new.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When people show you who they are, believe them.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Conrad said:


> When people show you who they are, believe them.


Yep. It's hard to accept but BELIEVE THEM.

Don't worry about the STBXH girlfriend. If she was a real woman she would have never of texted you regarding your child. It's none of her business.


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