# Am I jumping to conclusions???



## achick05 (Jan 28, 2009)

My husband and I have been married for almost a year now but there are still some things that I cannot understand. We've been together for almost 5 years total and throughout our relationship, I have questioned his fidelity. MOST of the curiosity leads to nothing but shouldn't there be NO curiosity?!?!?! 

Here's the situation. He is constantly on a forum about music. Thus, he has all types of people PMing him or asking him stuff which I'm cool about. Normally, I'm giving him a backrub or something when he comes home and that's when he hops on the PC. During this time, he usually responds to any PMs right in front of me but last night, he didn't do so to one email. Then this morning, he left the PC screen on (we share a PC) and I saw the email that he sent to another girl. He asked her for her facebook which to me, is like asking for her phone number. (Keep in mind, he HATES any and all social networking sites)... I was and STILL AM crushed. I don't know how to bring it up without being accusatory but it really does hurt. On top of that, he's out of town for 3 days so that leaves nothing but time and wonders to build up in my mind. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to say. I just wish my husband would stick to his vows when he said that it would always be only me... what would you do???


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Be open and honest. You know your husband. Don’t attack, or accuse, but share with him your thoughts and feelings. You can read his face and actions and will tell if his words match his behavior.
How good is your marriage? How good is your communication? Is there a reason that your mind goes there (have you ever been unfaithful, did you experience this when you were growing up with your parents, etc). It might help if you can share why you have these concerns.
If this is the person you love, show them the respect that matches that. If you hold in feelings you aren’t honoring your side of the relationship.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

well if it was me id ask him about it, its probably nothing to worry about but im sure you would be able to tell by his reaction.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I think that you should just talk to him and tell him you are not comfortable with him having a account set up like that. It does nothing but make issues so if you two talk about how you feel thats when you will know to make it a big deal or not if he is understanding about it all then great done!


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I think you are over-analyzing the whole thing right now. Just ask him. Ask, not accuse. 

See what he says and decide from there. He may say something, it will all make sense, and you will think you were over reacting this whole time. 

Or, it might turn out to be something else, then you need to tell him how you feel, that you don't like it. 

But you are trying to find solutions before understanding what the issue is.


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## achick05 (Jan 28, 2009)

THis has happened in the past... same type of situation and when i did approach him, he immediately accused me of being insecure and this and that. and plus, he doesn't know that i saw the emails... so if i bring that up, he will only be upset.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Well just tell him that he shouldnt have secrets if you dont have secrets and why would he get all crazy about it if its not a big deal.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Hmmm... This is a tough one. My wife accused me of doing something I would have NEVER done. (No it wasn't cheating... She accused me of stealing from her mother, which I had not been) I was hurt and furious. I couldn't believe that my WIFE would feel that way about me.

That said, I think I might try to identify whether there are any discrepancies in the marriage. Is there anything missing? I didn't know that there was a LOT missing, and subsequently, she went out and found what she was missing from me.

Personally, I would feel kind of funny if I were in the situation that you are, but then again, I have been cheated out of my exclusive marriage, so I would likely find it to be inappropriate.

Communication is key... Maybe let her exchange her facebook page with him, then go to see what the page is about. I have a website, but when you go there, it is totally a business site and has nothing to do with me personally. Find out what it is about before assuming that there is something unsavory happening.

Good luck and keep us up to date!

~Moog


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## achick05 (Jan 28, 2009)

Well, I saw her profile and it shows her to have a boyfriend and that she plans to marry him one day. In my heart, I feel as though things are missing, like I'm being put on the backburner because we never really get to spend time together anymore. I don't deem being in the same house at the same time really "spending time together"... but he is usually busy with work-related stuff when he comes home and I end up in the other room, watching TV alone since I can't help with anything he's doing.

It is true -- the first year of marriage is definitely the hardest. My heart and mind are on an emotional rollercoaster...


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

It sounds like you are missing something (a connection) and that leads to the mind wandering. Your above post sounds like your love language is Quality Time (me too). Get the book - 5 love languages so your H can understand what your love language is and how he can help fill your love tank (sounds fun huh ;-)) 
It took me 10 years to understand my W's language.


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## achick05 (Jan 28, 2009)

Thanks! I couldn't remember the name of that book!


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## Shameless (Jan 31, 2009)

I just went through a similar situation. Do not jump to conclusions, and don't let your emotions run away with you. Sit down and talk to him, do not accuse him. I almost ruined my marriage because of my emotions getting away from me. Has he ever given you reason to doubt his fidelity? Has he ever given you reason to doubt he is being honest with you? If both are no then the answers he give should be enough. It may not take the feelings away but if you continue what you are doing and just pay a little closer attention, if he is not telling the truth it will become evident. 

Just remember if you accuse him or continue to question him, if he is not doing anything wrong then you have just caused a big problem in your marriage. I don't want anyone to have to go through what I did and still am going though.


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## Shameless (Jan 31, 2009)

achick05 said:


> Well, I saw her profile and it shows her to have a boyfriend and that she plans to marry him one day. In my heart, I feel as though things are missing, like I'm being put on the backburner because we never really get to spend time together anymore. I don't deem being in the same house at the same time really "spending time together"... but he is usually busy with work-related stuff when he comes home and I end up in the other room, watching TV alone since I can't help with anything he's doing.
> 
> It is true -- the first year of marriage is definitely the hardest. My heart and mind are on an emotional rollercoaster...


This is definately something you need to address, don't let it get out of hand because it will cause more doubt with the other. Talk to him about how you feel, about the fact that you are feeling like you don't get to spend any time with him anymore. Ask if he could take a break and maybe go out with you or fix him a nice dinner or something. This is one of the problems I had, and when the other came up it just compounded and I went really stupid. 

Talking is the key. You both need to talk and let each other know how you feel, what is going on, and what you would like. Of course with the understanding that not all things can be fixed overnight, some take time.


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