# Wife v. Family



## J_3 (Jun 7, 2012)

I'm new, so if this is a rehash... sorry. 

My W never wants to spend time with my family. I've always spent tons of time with my family growing up (we share a cabin and generally go/went up most weekends). Anyway, we are really close, but my W never wants to spend any time with them. (she has a small family and never spent much time with them). 

However, I have always (6 years together, 3 married) felt like she was trying to drive a wedge between me and the family. Like I should have to choose. My family has mentioned to me that they feel like she never wants to be around them. This really bothers me and I'm not sure what to do about it. 

For example, last week my W scheduled meetings to overlap with, not 1 but 2, baby showers for my sister. Now, I know that baby showers are not fun (and probably isn't the best example), but shouldn't she at least try to be part of the family? 

Am I overreacting?


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

That depends on how your family treats her. Do they welcome and treat her like she is part of the family?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Some of us are introverted and would rather get a root canal than go to a baby shower or spend a weekend with people we don't know well.

But if she's trying to drive a wedge between you and your family that's a whole other issue.

So which is it?

FWIW I don't try to be a part of my husbands family. I show up for major holidays and that's about it.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I can't possibly say.

Sounds like there are more dynamics going on than you realize. Maybe she just doesn't like them? Maybe she thinks they just don't like her?

You know what I'm going to say...the first step is to sit down and have a calm, non-confrontational talk with her.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

It sounds as if she is just not as social as you are. There is really nothing wrong with that and don't assume she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your family just because she doesn't wish to go to rather large group meetings. Which this is probably how she sees it. I'm betting that in her mind.. you are all the family she needs and that is probably how she grew up. You can try and see if she feels comfortable attending certain events... but don't push it to the point where she feels your forcing her. Perhaps you two should sit down and talk so you can figure out her real feelings about the entire situation? She may also have some sort of anxiety issue or phobia that she hasn't told you about.


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## J_3 (Jun 7, 2012)

Encore DT said:


> That depends on how your family treats her. Do they welcome and treat her like she is part of the family?


She had a run in two years ago December where she felt like she was ganged up upon. I was not there, but she got in an argument with someone(a major donor) at by Brother in law's work and felt that no one took her side of the story. I don't think she has really resolved that, but everyone else has moved on. She still seems to resent them all for that and has stated she will never be friends with my brother-in-law as a result. 

She also thinks that they make decisions for me (which is a long story, but definitely not the case. Happy to expound if it will help). 

She has built up some strong resentment over the years, but if we want to move forward as a couple... this seems like a big deal.


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## LastDance (Jun 8, 2012)

As it's been pointed out how your wife is treated should be looked at closer. How do they treat her? My husband was blind [by choice] when it came to how his family "really" treated me. I have no desire to be around them as a consequence of that past behavior. 

If your family has always been nothing but warm, welcoming and loving then I would have to make some assumptions. I'd rather not do that since your wife isn't here to explain her POV. 

NO I do not think spending time with the in-laws is a deal breaker when it comes to a marriage. If you wife is good to you I see no major problem here. 

However, wanting to spend most weekends with your [now] extended family would be something I wouldn't like much. I would like to spend time with just my husband. [I was in your wife's shoes and know I didn't like it.]This was something my husband and I were at odds about for a long time. He finally listened to my complains and really watched and listened and found out exactly why I didn't care to spend time with his family. 

I am not saying your family is doing the same but don't you own your wife the benefit of doubt by at least giving an honest appraisal of why she may be not feeling the love when it comes to your family??


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

LastDance said:


> As it's been pointed out how your wife is treated should be looked at closer. How do they treat her? My husband was blind [by choice] when it came to how his family "really" treated me. I have no desire to be around them as a consequence of that past behavior.


Exactly. Mine weren't all that nice to me and really didn't give one whit about me so why should I put myself out for them? My husband defended them and thought they were just the greatest people EVER. 

Took longer than 6 years of marriage before he saw what I did.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

J_3 said:


> She had a run in two years ago December where she felt like she was ganged up upon. I was not there, but she got in an argument with someone(a major donor) at by Brother in law's work and felt that no one took her side of the story. I don't think she has really resolved that, but everyone else has moved on. She still seems to resent them all for that and has stated she will never be friends with my brother-in-law as a result.
> 
> She also thinks that they make decisions for me (which is a long story, but definitely not the case. Happy to expound if it will help).
> 
> She has built up some strong resentment over the years, but if we want to move forward as a couple... this seems like a big deal.


Well, yes, J-3, it is a big deal, but not in the way you think. It's a big deal for your marriage that you are not on her side, and you do not defend her. If you want to move forward as a couple, you need to make it clear that you are on her side. That doesn't mean you can't ever disagree with her re your family (although, given the history, you can't for a few more years), but it means that you need to make it very clear that SHE matters more than your family. And if in your heart of hearts she doesn't, then you need to think about what that means for your marriage.


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

It IS a big deal, and in order to make it work both parties must be willing to compromise. You're stuck in the middle but, remember, the only person you can control is yourself. You can't control your whole family or your wife. So if they're not willing to compromise you have a major balancing act to concern yourself with.

Also, if people "ganged up" on her and none of your family took her side, the question to ask is did "her side" present a reasonable argument, or did she just get what she deserved. If she got what she deserved, then you may be in a very unfortunate position of not being able to smooth it out. These are all general statements because there are no facts in your story.

How are other people towards her? Your friends? Neighbors? Do people generally like her or do they treat her the same way your family does? That can say a lot about her as a person.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

My husband doesn't care to go to many family gatherings of mine, mostly because there are so many. My family likes to celebrate everything AND have "family game night". Sometimes it seems that there is a gathering every weekend. I've had to come to terms with him not wanting to go and go to the family gatherings by myself. There have been a couple of times where he has changed his mind at the last minute and one time where he showed up at the party because he got bored sitting at home alone. 

He gets along just fine with most of the family, besides an covert discomfort between him and I and my brother and sister-in-law (long story) that hasn't been settled appropriately.

I agree with lamaga that she needs to see that you are on her side. If I thought that my in-laws were ganging up on me and my husband didn't side with me, there would be some severe repercussions there.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Some people are very good at family grudges.... some people are very good at forgiving almost to the point of becoming doormats. Family is family. Everyone has their issues. Both dh and I have members we will not associate with on both sides (him his and me mine). I think it's your wifes family and unless it is very close people who maybe she is holding onto something she should let go of, like something petty, you shouldn't get involved.


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## J_3 (Jun 7, 2012)

I, biased opinion alert, think my family is very open and welcoming. That being said, I'll pay closer attention to it moving forward.



lamaga said:


> Well, yes, J-3, it is a big deal, but not in the way you think. It's a big deal for your marriage that you are not on her side, and you do not defend her. If you want to move forward as a couple, you need to make it clear that you are on her side. That doesn't mean you can't ever disagree with her re your family (although, given the history, you can't for a few more years), but it means that you need to make it very clear that SHE matters more than your family. And if in your heart of hearts she doesn't, then you need to think about what that means for your marriage.


As for the run in (again I wasn't there). My wife was invited to a wreath-making class at the non-profit my BIL runs. She was massively hung-over and on her way there she came to a 4-way stop sign around the same time as another lady. My W rolled through to get ahead of her. The lady accosted her in the lobby for running the stop sign and asked for an apology (or something). My W refused, as she didn't feel she had done anything wrong. 

My family are placatory, so they were suggesting that she of apologize (I guess the details here are unclear) and let it go. Anyway, things went on for a minute or so and everyone went on their way. 

She definitely didn't feel like I took her side in the retelling. I thought she should have just apologized and moved on. Anyway, this was 2 years ago and it is still a source of contention. 

I know I could have handled it better and been more supportive of her position. But, what happened has happened. How do we move forward now? Am I supposed to blindly support her in all cases?


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## J_3 (Jun 7, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Some people are very good at family grudges.... some people are very good at forgiving almost to the point of becoming doormats.


I am definitely hover near the doormat description, life is too short to get caught up with petty stuff. She is far to the opposite position. Her mom hasn't talked to one of her nieces in 13 years over an apology issue.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

well, it's a bit of a concern that she was "massively hungover", because that indicates a drinking problem, but seriously, who in this day and age accosts people for jumping a four way stop? Except for testosterone fueled 20 year olds?

Anyway, the fact that this has been going on for two years says reams about your family dynamic. You should have put a stop to it right away, and your wife should have gotten over it.

You are in the middle of some seriously damaged people. Tread lightly.


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## J_3 (Jun 7, 2012)

Cheers!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

J_3 said:


> Her mom hasn't talked to one of her nieces in 13 years over an apology issue.


I'm going to say this right now... see if your wife will attend IC (individual counseling) but don't bring this up in a way that she could interpret as offensive. It sounds as if there is a slight inherited mental disorder going on here and i think it has to do with anger and perhaps anxiety. Maybe even a bit of depression. She and you may not be able to see it clearly and she will no doubt refuse to believe it at first (if this is the case) but eventually she will realize her problems and realize she needs to seek professional help for them.


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

J_3 said:


> How do we move forward now? Am I supposed to blindly support her in all cases?


I'm not generally a fan of doing ANYTHING "blindly". Plus it sounds like the lady who asked for an apology from your wife did so for a reason, and if everyone around her thought she should apologize, my guess is that there was a reason for that too. Sure you can forget that specific incident, but what will change your wife's overall mentality from proving her point and arguing her side whether it is based on sound logic or not?


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

J_3 said:


> As for the run in (again I wasn't there). My wife was invited to a wreath-making class at the non-profit my BIL runs. She was massively hung-over and on her way there she came to a 4-way stop sign around the same time as another lady. My W rolled through to get ahead of her. The lady accosted her in the lobby for running the stop sign and asked for an apology (or something). My W refused, as she didn't feel she had done anything wrong.


The woman confronted her about doing a rolling stop at a stop sign? That seems petty to me. 

Is it that your family has moved on but your wife hasn't because she felt that they were against her? If so, your wife needs to move on. The past is the past, there is no changing it. Your wife seems to be a very stubborn woman, which would mean that talking about it and getting everything out in the open probably wouldn't help anything, especially if everyone thinks she should have apologized. Everyone has differences of opinion. If she didn't think she did anything wrong and wanted to be stubborn about it, that's her prerogative. 

I think the best way to go about this would be to tell her that you're sorry that you didn't defend her. Tell her that you realize that everyone has different ways of handling conflict and apologize for thinking that she should do things your way. Maybe ask your family to do the same. Tell them that she is still feeling hurt that they didn't defend her. She probably felt embarrassed that the people she was close to weren't defending her. That's just my take on things. I can be very stubborn and it really rubs me the wrong way when people make a fuss because I didn't do something the way they think I should have. She was raised around other stubborn people who hold grudges. Eventually she may see that holding grudges does no good but you can't make her that person.


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