# I Want To Fight For Her



## CrushedAndNumb (Sep 12, 2013)

My story so far:

My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years and married for a little over 4 years. We have a beautiful 2 year old boy that we both love and loving supporting families. My wife has a great job as the manager for a large retail store and I work in management for her family's company. The jobs are the first of our issues. My wife loves her job (I think) but it takes up a very large amount of her time. On average 12 hours a day. I on the other hand love her family, but with seeing them every single day at work, we are also flipping a house together, and gatherings on weekends, i have just about no time away from them and it is getting increasingly difficult. I like my job, I am passionate about it, and extremely appreciative of all that her family has done for us but feeling like my entire life is managed by her family is getting to me.

So that said i do most of the raising of our son do to her work schedule which also means that I dont have much time to myself but it has never really bothered me as she is working hard to provide for us and I love my son. its just the way it is. However the lack of time with my wife has been getting to me for awhile. I have slowly started to feel like she avoids coming home as long as possible. Thee is always something to do. And when she is home she always finds something to do (i.e answer work emails, do some other project on her phone/laptop) instead of being in the moment with me.

I have also been questioning whether she is still attracted to me at all as we are rarely intimate anymore. I always kiss her when she comes home and try to hug her and love her but she feels distant. I always initiate sex, am often turned down, and when we do it feels like it is a chore to her. These things had all been waying on me quite a bit for the past while and a couple months ago things were coming to a head and we had a bit of a blow up. She says she doesnt feel like I notice her and I pay more attention to our son, I feel like she doesnt notice me... basically we are feeling the same. We talked through it and although I felt I was always trying I have been making extra strides.

A few weeks ago we went on a great vacation, seemed like we had a great time...

3 Days ago, the night before she was leaving on a 4 day trip for work, things went very south. It was a normal night, she was packing late for the trip, then we were taking a shower and I was trying to make conversation but getting zero response. This is a pet peeve of mine so i started getting irritated. As we were laying down for bed i made a comment like "glad we got to talk before you leave and glad you're going to miss me (sarcasm)... then she is sitting up looking at me with tears in her eyes and the bottom fell out. She totally breaks down, not in anger with me, but proceeds to tell me how she has been extremely miserable for the past year and she just cant hold it in anymore. Says she has been trying to figure it out but can't. She doesnt know why she is so mean to me. When I ask her what makes her happy, she says our son, shopping, but will not say that I make her happy ( asked point blank) wont say i make her unhappy, just not that I make her happy. Says she still loves me, I read that means not "in love" with me. The is the condensed version of what transpired but she says she will go stay with her sister for awhile when she gets back, might find a counselor. I tell her I will fight with every part of my being for her.

We have text each other while she has been gone but its all more of the same... not over but not really feeling positive. I'm very much a read between the lines kind of guy. I have not lashed out, I love her and want us to work. She makes me a better person and is the only woman I want and love. However i have been taking care of a 2 year and going to work each day with her whole family every day while feeling the greatest sadness i can remember in my life. i feel trapped. I want to cry, but instead am overwhelmed with a numbness.

Sorry this is so long, i just had to get it out as I cant talk to anyone becasue I dont want this to influence anyone's opinion of her (my family friends) and i think it will also make it feel more real. My wife is an amazing woman (caring, self sacrificing, dedicated, driven) I just want her to stay my amazing woman...


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

your wife opened up once. keep the lines of communication going she more openness may come. probably good advice from Mavash to consider changing your job, at least discreetly looking.
There is no hard evidence from what you have shared but not beyond the realm of possibility to consider that your wife breaking down like that and the long hours away and the distance you feel even when together could also be indicators she has involvement with another, probably at work. One never knows.


----------



## CrushedAndNumb (Sep 12, 2013)

It is taking everything in me not to ask her that question. I really don't think there is, as cliche as it sounds, but i trust her. The job... I dunno, I love her family, they are great people and very good to us, but as the company has grown it has just put a strain on things to be around them soooo much. Every time I think things like this I feel ungreatful... I think one of the places I need to improve is better communication with her family in the work setting, I bite my tongue too often. That catch with seeing them so much outside of work is that she never gets to see them because of the long hours she works...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah, she needs to consider seeing if she can start working fewer hours, even if it means changing jobs. If she is working 12 hours a day for an extended period, she won't feel like being romantic, won't be happy, won't feel desirable, it just breaks down every element of what makes a woman happy and in love.

You should certainly speak up more at work. Heck, if anything you could feel confident knowing that you probably can't piss anyone off too much, because they aren't likely to fire you or anything as it would hurt your wife as well.

And Maneo is right, she opened up to you which is fantastic. Even if she was in tears and some of what she said hurt, it is a good thing that she finally opened up to you about it. Keep encouraging that, and let her know that she can be open and honest with you, which means DO NOT get angry or upset at what she has to say. Show empathy for her and her feelings, and offer suggestions WHEN SHE ASKS. She'll be more open to your thoughts and ideas when it is your turn to speak. Such at going to MC, or IC. The biggest thing I noticed in your post however is that it seems like she has been bottling these emotions up for a long time, which is not a good thing, so do what you can to keep the lid off that bottle.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Maybe you should ask her if there is someone else. You can gauge her sincerity by her response You know her best. Have you done any snooping to see. I'm not trying to make matters worse but if it was me, honestly, it would cross my mind. I hope that she isn't and I know from what you posted that you love her but maybe you should tell her that she isn't the only one with feelings and tell her how you feel. Neither one of you are mind readers so it comes down to you and her putting your cards on the table and finding a solution.


----------



## CrushedAndNumb (Sep 12, 2013)

So when she returned from her business trip it really hit me, and she has decided to go to her sister's house for a little while (who I work with daily). I have told her that above all I want her to be happy, I want it to be with me, but she has to decide if that is possible. I told her I want her here with me but if time and space is what she needs to figure herself out (she keeps insisting that it is her and not) then I will support her. One of my biggest issues is being supportive enough but not too much. I love her and want her with me so I will keep telling her that but I don't want her to come back because she feels bad and hasn't really fixed anything. My one rule for her though is that she is not allowed to make decisions for me (I.e. that I would be better off with out her) I am a big boy Nd know what does and does not make me happy. This is killing me but I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work...

Then yesterday happened... Saturday night she told me she would be with her sister for a friend's birthday and news going to visit my parents. We had tentative plans to see each other the next day with some friends (an annual event) and we would leave from her sister's house. I told her it didn't matter if unwanted to go but that she had to decide if she wanted me there with her. Well Sunday arrived Nd I got myself and our son ready to head over there to see if she had decided... When I arrived her sister didnt know where she was (thought she stayed with me the night before) and my mind started to race. When I finally got ahold of her she says she stayed with a friend but was very ambiguous. When she arrived home and saw how angry/scared I was she finally tells me that she had to get away because her sister was asking too many questions and that she just kept driving and ended up sleeping in her car. She says she didnt think I would let her have go if she told me that's what she was going to do to which I replied that I have been and continue to be completely supportive and that as long as I knew she was safe I would understand. I also told her that she cannot break my trust like this again. We did end up going to the gathering but at the end of the night after putting our son to bed she went to her sister's. she says she hates her self for doing this to me, I told her just to figure out how to be happy so we can be stronger together. Also told her I will never hold this against her if it means we get to be a family. Don't know what else to do, have to believe we can make it work Nd be strong for our son. If in a week she is still not home I will be insisting on us seeing a counselor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I'm sorry, but it sounds like your wife is in an affair. Do you honestly think she slept in her car? Put a VAR in her car and check her phone records. Go to the coping with infidelity forum and read the newbie links now.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Wracked with guilt, staying out all night without letting anyone know where she is at, crazy story to try to explain it away? Yeah I hate to say it man, but sure as heck sounds like an affair. If so, there is nothing you can say or do to change it besides switching course and going into 180 mode. All of this "I'll support you no matter what" while dancing around in an affair will only make you appear weaker/more pathetic if she is in an affair.

It's time to do some recon and figure out what she is up to.


----------



## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

karole said:


> I'm sorry, but it sounds like your wife is in an affair. Do you honestly think she slept in her car? Put a VAR in her car and check her phone records. Go to the coping with infidelity forum and read the newbie links now.


Sleeping in her car? Sorry, but while it could be true...I'd be really suspicious.

Can you afford a P.I.? If not then get ready to do the standard investigation techniques like a VAR in her car, checking text messages and looking for a burner phone.


----------

