# What next ?????



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

BACKGROUND My husband had a affair for 8 months 6 years ago.. ok we worked through this and after a lot of heart ache and time ,we became close again... ok i can never forget the pain and hurt he caused me but our marriage has become stronger and we do go out of our way to make sure we are both happy .. weve been to councelling and i can honestly say i do trust him again.

our love life is fantastic  we are talking loads and i really look fowards to him coming home from work and holding him.

Last weekend we went to a friends wedding , the lady he had his affair with was also ther with her husband. I must admit it was awkard and it stired up emotions i thought id forgotten about .
But we danced and played with our children and really had a great time ..he took no notice of her in fact he went out of his way to stay with me and our children at all times ..

It was all fine until our little one needed to go to the toilet and i came face to face with her ..she apologised and was extremely nervous .. she has a child with her who called her mummy and when i looked down i was so shocked to see that the child was the spitting image of my son .

When i asked her how old he was the lad told me he was 5 the age ties in to my husbands affair i just know deep down that he must have fathered the child. She has begged me not to drag up the past , but surely if he is my husbands child then he should know.

I told my husband that i think that he could be the boys father and i know that he was shocked i truly belive he didnt know.. My question is do we ask for dna tests or leave alone ?


----------



## 25michblue (Apr 9, 2009)

I am so sorry for your situation. It must hurt all over again, after trying to put it behind you.
I guess my questions would be "Does your husband want to do the DNA? and if your husband is the father "Are YOU willing to accept the child into your lives?"


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I just want the whole thing to come to a end ! To all the people out there who have had affairs .. id like them to know just how long the hurt continues for .
This child could end up going to the same schools has our children i think we all need to know the truth .


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

humpty dumpty-

What a shocker! I'm am curious to see how you all deal with this. Keep us posted. It's a sure reminder for men to keep their pants zipped up tight at all times!

Take care


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thanks Mark at the moment im just so numb , hurt and a emotional wreck 
truthfully right now i could just walk .


----------



## beachboy (Apr 23, 2009)

I'm new here but after reading your sad post I felt I needed to respond. If you truly feel the child could be your husbands, and if you want the entire affair opened up then proceed with the dna testing, although I don't know how you would go about that without a court order of some kind. If the other woman doesn't want you to do a test then the only recourse with be with an attorney through the courts. Then you could win and be in a tough situation for a long long time. Sometimes what we wish for in not really the best thing to get.

However, I would not be able to let it go knowing how I process things. I am the kind of person who needs to know the truth, and not go around wondering everyday what if's. This kind of thinking has come back to haunt me over the course of my marriage, but down deep it's the way I would have wanted it. A totally different situation than what you are in, but the same consequence. Knowing the truth and then having to sort it all out, and living with it in a marriage. 
I feel for you.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thankyou , I cant let it just go , I cant walk away and just leave things , Ive had enough with the lies the betrayel the whole affair.. Im not going to lie and say im not hurting .. I am loads . But if this child is my husbands then we have to consider how we tell our children. I can not and will not lie to them i have sheltered them from everything because they were little and they didnt need to feel the hurt that i was feeling . I dont want our children to feel any hurt but if they has a half brother then i do want them to know about him.
There is also the chance that they will go to the same schools and will bump into each other .
Then i think does her husband know he might not be the childs father? Do i open a can of worms cand destroy what they have ?
How much do i want to walk out on my marriage right now .... far to much


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> How much do i want to walk out on my marriage right now .... far to much


I know this will seem ridiculous to read, but I think you are over-reacting. Life is always testing us with little dramas. This one is right out of the soaps for sure. However, before all this blew up, you and hubby were doing great. This is nothing new that he has done, and it's not even recent. All that has happened is that you now have some new information and it's upsetting you. You will feel much more please with yourself when you look back at this in a year or two if you act "cool as a cucumber" (as my grandmother used to say). If you want to jump up and down like an episode of "East Enders" - then that's exactly what you'll get chaos. You and hubby need to work on a united front. 

OK, so you might also be able to have a little extra fun watching him squirm - but only in private. But if you don't keep your sense of humour, you will regret it. Your a tough gal anyway, don't try and pretend otherwise.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I wish i could fast foward this episode !!! 
Mark i know i have to get a grip , and i know that my husband is hurting to ( and rightly so ).
He has ask me for permission to contact her so he can ask for dna tests ,I know i have to allow that to happern but at the same time It scares me to think that they will always have a bond together if the dna results prove that he is the dad... and to be honest ive no doubt that he is .
but i guess that will be another episode that we have to work through..
I cant belive we are still going through this and all for a quick shag over the office desk !!! 

sorry even i had to laugh at that lol !!


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

guess what !!!! her husband doesnt know !!

LIFE JUST GETS BETTER


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

This all seems so unreal like a bad dream !! 
finding it so hard not to let it effect us , we had moved on , i must have been bad in a previous life lol


----------



## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Do
notv forget, a positive DNA test means you and him will start serving an 18 yr sentence called child support and in the states is quite costly.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I know it will be positive , i dont doubt it for a second.
This is a childs life he needs to know the truth .. This isnt a sentence and i hope my own children want me for more than 18 years !

This isnt about money .. never was never will be


----------



## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Humpty,

Don't be so politically correct, remember the child will be taking from your family mouths. I have known such a stance only to be regretted later, when the support payments is making present family suffer.


----------



## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

If you truly want this to be over and done with then let it go. Do not push this on your husband. If he wants to know then support him, but if he is not interested then let it go. You will be hurting the child, the other husband, and the ex-mistress. 

I am twice married and had a little girl with my first husband. My second husband gets really irritated every time that he has to interact with my ex because they hate each other. If you still hurt from the affair then let this matter drop. The little boy has a father of sorts and as long as you don't mention it to your son then he will never know. There is always someone else in school who looks like they could be related to you. It is not uncommon. I am told that I have a twin a town over.


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you have every right to feel as you do.

the message i would like you to hear, and not that you don't already understand this, is this issue is first and foremost about the children, both yours, and potentially your husband's, from an affair.

your children will adjust just fine to an unexpected family development provided you frame the discussion in the proper way.

and further it seems you and your husband have rebuilt a very strong marriage foundation that will withstand this potential seige.

however painful it may be to all parties involved, the child that is potentially your husband's must be dna tested because if it is your husband's at the very least that needs to be known to address any possible genetic considerations as well as family health history.

and as well, every child deserves to know where they come from.

last, as they say: and that's why a man should keep his genes in his jeans.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Recent Cloud is right on target. A child's parentage should NEVER be kept from him or her. The evidence from adoptees and children in this boy's same situation (potentially) is very clear. His life will be a lie if he is not allowed to know the truth, if it turns out his dad is not his biological father. 

Because the mistress kept this a secret, the potential damage to her marriage is serious, but that is not the child's fault nor should a child's life history be sacrificed to an adult's need (the unknowing spouse of the mistress). It is a very sad situation that will only get worse with more secrecy. Have courage and do the right thing--it's obvious that's what you want to do, anyway, and you are right on target about the children's right to know their siblings, no matter what stupid adult behavior created those siblings.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

humpty dumpty-
Believe it or not, you did a lot to create what you are feeling right now. You are the one who wants solutions to mysteries. The only person who I feel sorry for is the kid. But guess what? it's not even your responsibility to get him a DNA test. If it's anyone's responsibility, it's your husband's, and the mother. Also, have you correlated the EXACT age of the child with the period of their affair? Many years ago, an Ex of mine had a kid that looked like me, but when I did the maths, it would have involved a 15 month gestation!

So I would just let go and keep smiling. Real life does get a bit complicated form time to time. It's also possible to ruin what you have by being stuck in the past.


----------



## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Everybody,

Great advice, she will destroy the child, the other husband her present relationship.

Is all that worth it due to DNA, let the past lie in its grave.


----------



## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> So I would just let go and keep smiling. Real life does get a bit complicated form time to time. It's also possible to ruin what you have by being stuck in the past.


I've read somewhere that a forgotten past is the key to a brighter future...

as a side note.. When my wife and I were saparated, she became pregnant with the OM's child.. they parted ways before telling him.. and she had to confess it to me as we were putting things back together. 

he will be 3 this year and my wife and I have talked about telling him when he gets older.. it's still up in the air . . there's pros and cons to telling him.. I can safely say that for now.. he's my son. 100%. . i treat him as if he were my own. and we discussed keeping the info from the OM at length when she was pregnant. We both agreed that having that guy in our lives constantly (visitation etc. ) would be more harmful to everyone involved so she kept it under wraps.

my son has congenital lymphedema. . a couple genetic counselors had us in an awkward situation as we had to tell them that i'm his step dad... go figure.. it's the bed we make to lay in..

as he gets older, we may tell him if we feel it's appropriate. . in the end, it's our decision.. it's still open to discussion whether he has the right to know vs. the NEED to know. 

just my .02
mike


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

I would leave the matter alone, unless your husband has a medical history that could effect the child. 
does your husband want the child in your lives if a test turns out positive? if not, then let the child's mother handle the situation


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thankyou for all your replys 
Mark im not sure how i did a lot to create how i feel at the moment?
Apart from not giving Trev what he needed 6 years ago that he felt he had to go else where .
I am sure that a child was created as a result and im doing my best to work out whats best all round ..not for me but for the child and my husband.

He has spent the morning with the lady and she has told him that she his certain the child is hes and now they have to deside what steps if any they take next . I t has to be worked out between them and i cant tell you how much that hurts just the fact that they are spending time together upsets me , but thats not the issue its about doing whats right for a innocent child.

I dont want to split up there family her husband is the only father the child knows .. but its for my husband and her to deside where next to go . only then will ill take the steps to tell our children and the rest of our family.


thanks you all


----------



## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

There has been a lot of good advice here, from boths sides. I tend to have a hard time keeping something so important from the child. Granted, he's too young right now, but I don't believe it's a good idea to just spring it on him when he's "older".

Just my experience....when I was 18, I found out my parents had trouble getting pregnant way back when. I learned that my mother had been inseminated by both my father and a donor. Truthfully...they don't know which 'sample' she conceived with. This all came out by accident and I was stunned, felt betrayed, angry and very confused. For a time I didn't know if I fit in, if my sister was really my sister, etc. I understood that my family was my family because they loved and raised me, but it still rocked my world. I can only imagine learning that my dad actually wasn't my father...that my bio father actually knew about this the whole time and didn't care enough to say anything or get to know me. Give kids some credit here....they know that it takes more than biology to make a DAD and I don't believe your husband would try to replace the Dad he already has.

Also, we are building our family through adoption. I am very aware of the identity issues my daughter may face later in life. She is only 3 now, and knows she is adopted, but doesn't understand what that means yet. We will continue to help her understand who she is, where she came from and how we became a family as she gets older.

My point is, if that child is your husbands, it WILL come out one day. It will be devastating if that happens at adolesence or early adulthood. To find out your parents have lied to you your whole life is shattering. 

Just my opinion....I feel like it is best to find out now. If it happens your husband is the father, then decisions can be made then, nothing has to be written in stone today. Unfortunately the OW's husbands world may be rocked, but that is the situation she caused and must deal with. I feel it is better for the child to grow up understanding his identity than to learn everything he's ever known is a lie...even if everyone was doing it in his best interest...he definitely won't see it that way.

I think you're doing a great job! It's a situation that rips all the scars apart that you have worked so hard to repair. It's going to be brutal to have this woman thrust in your life again and in contact with your husband. Hold your head up high and hold on tight to the trust you have rebuilt with your husband. You can get through this.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

[:iagree:

I know we will get through this and i totally agree , we have adopted my brothers little girls after he passed away i know just what it means to know where you have come from .

Its out of my hands this has to be sorted by her and my husband ,... ill stand by and pick up the pieces 

We are back at marriage counseling tomorrow first time in 5 years im sure we will get through this 

thanks


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> Mark im not sure how i did a lot to create how i feel at the moment?


You bumped into this woman and the boy at the wedding. You knew something the moment you looked at the boy. BUT... you could have counted to 10, took a deep breath, and spent longer thinking through the implications of talking to ANYBODY.

The situation already existed prior to your visit to the wedding. The situation has existed since she conceived six years ago. All the anguish you are feeling now is due to your enhanced knowledge, and your wanting a solution.

You need to slow your mind down, it's doing overtime! You are not the one who needs to do anything just yet. It's not your responsibility. It might be your responsibility to support your husband in dealing with it, but that's as far as it goes. You're taking it on as if it's your move. It ain't.


----------



## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

humpty dumpty;52619Its out of my hands this has to be sorted by her and my husband said:


> humptydumpty.. if i may offer a suggestion..
> 
> please think of this in a slightly different light..
> 
> ...


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> You bumped into this woman and the boy at the wedding. You knew something the moment you looked at the boy. BUT... you could have counted to 10, took a deep breath, and spent longer thinking through the implications of talking to ANYBODY.
> 
> I couldnt of done that ! if nothing was done im sure the truth would have come out at some point sorry i might have been hasty but i cant lie
> 
> i will suport trev 100% ill do that because i love him


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> I couldnt of done that !


But that's my point... in a parallel universe, there is a humpty dumpty that _did_ keep her mouth shut 

Just remember, drama gets exhausting after a while!


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

totally with you, we are gonna be ok


but mark if it was your son wouldnt you want to know ?


----------



## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

If she hasn't asked for dna tests then let the issue be and move on with your marriage. Mind your own business and start living a happy life with your husband.


----------



## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> [:iagree:
> 
> *Its out of my hands this has to be sorted by her and my husband ,... ill stand by and pick up the pieces *
> 
> ...



Ok I haven't read this part earlier but it seems you already know the answer to your issue and that is to leave it alone. You already have enough on your plate why overflow it with more drama and pain? Your husband obviously loves you because he is going to counselling with you. You both have a responsibility to children who have experienced pain and you both are great people for doing so.

The only pieces you have to pick up is your own.


----------



## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

You'll never stop wondering if you don't try to get at the truth. It might mean more of a struggle in terms of having this woman in your life, but regardless of the circumstances every father should be in his son's life.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

spent the afternoon with a marriage councellor , cost a small fortune and was a waste of time .
Im going to just support my husband in the route he chooses to follow , i know deep down i want dna tests but i do realize that its purley what i would choose to do , it dosent mean that what he wants or what she wants . time will tell a guess


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

What on earth made you go to a marriage counsellor?


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

My husband booked it and asked if id go with him to talk with out arguing , the last week has been really destructive and i know ive caused most of it ,but i also know its because it still hurts so much and i guess when things are really good and they have been fantastic .. it was just such a knock to be dragged back ... you said i could have walked by and said nothing .. i wish sometimes i could be that person .
I do know that i love my husband and i have to stop blamming him for his past actions ..draw a line and move on


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

don't second-guess yourself. you did the right thing. good for you. you can't achieve closure until everything is said.

i've found that i can work through any problem and come out on the right side if i know the facts.

and, i still maintain and will strongly argue that the child has every right to know who he is, regardless of the embarassing consequences to the adults involved. they are, after all, adults and parents, and this is in the job description.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I have a major problem with Lies , I find it really hard not to know the truth .
But this is his call i,ve sat and listened to him today , and time will tell . 
Hes meeting tomorrow with her to see where she stands and what she want .


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It sounds like most people here have no idea what the research shows about identity issues. It is absolutely wrong for a child to be raised in an environment of lies and/or secrets. That is much more devastating than any of us can imagine, unless we've been in those shoes. If HD already recognized the truth, how long before someone else does? LIES AND SECRETS WILL GET "OUT." When they do, the innocent people involved--in this case, the unknowing husband of the mistress, HD and her children, and the child himself, will/are be badly hurt. Not facing up to the truth from day 1 has already compounded the problem, b/c now MORE lies and deception have been piled on to the original mistake. 

Lying to a child about his parent is just wrong. It isn't about DNA; it's about LYING. One poster wrote about a personal experience like this, and the research on adoptees shows that those whose parents lied to them abou their personal histories were simply devastated because of all the lies. HD has children related to this boy; she would be complicit in the lies if she allowed their relationship to be hidden or ignored, and they will rightfully be angry with her when they find out the truth. She is under no obligation to protect others from the consequences of their wrongdoing and lies, and since the child absolutely must be told for his own sake, all other decisions must derive from that starting point. She's done the right thing. 

The "marriage related questions" of this situation must come second to the child's best interest. So the real question is, how can we help HD cope, not "is she doing the right thing."


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

sister359, as my earlier post illustrates, we have a meeting of the minds on pretty much all of the points, except it is important that humpty dumpty (that name is fun to type) understand she did the right thing because she shared some self-doubt about her decision earlier.

humpty dumpty (smile) you have enough to deal with right now, and need to think clearly and self doubt will only muddle your thoughts.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Ill see what tomorrow brings and dna results .

I just hope that if your in the middle of an affair that this will make you understand how the hurt continues and the damage it can do to innocent children


----------



## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Humpty,

Its too bad people never realize this all for a micro second of an orgasm.


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

micro second?? geeez.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

well my husband and his ex mistress .. that feels so wrong to type !! 
have desided to be open about everything and have dna tests done ..at least that way everyone is sure. she dosent want to tell her partner untill the results are comfirmed and to be honest i think that is a good move on her part .. although she gave him photos and they look very much alike .
so we await a DNA test and the results .


----------



## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Keep us updated humpty, I'll pray for your family.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thankyou that means a lot , Im trying extra hard to be surportive , but must admit at times it so hard , im trying to stay positive Im sure the outcome will prove hes the father, I guess its how we all deal with that information when we get it.


----------



## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Continue to be supportive of your husband. It sounds like you are prepared for the results to be positive...that your H is the father. Continue to prepare yourself. You now have some time to think and decide how you will handle this with your children when the results come in. Take this time to fully think through what will be best for your children.

I hope your husband is being VERY supportive of you also....!?!?


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I cant even think about what we will tell our children or our family , I hadnt even told my parents about his affair because i know they would have encouraged me to go rather then to work at making things good again ,

hey i have a scrambled head !! 
Funny thing his me and Trev were meant to be going away this weekend with out the kids ..was meant to be romantic .. and fun !!


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

going away for the weekend might be a good thing.

it seems you and your husband have worked things through since the affair and were, are, back on track, and that allows you a more solid foundation on which to resolve this issue. 

remember, your marriage has survived an event that destroys many marriages which is a testament to your strength, and that proven strength can see you through this as well.


----------



## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

humpty dumpty said:


> hey i have a scrambled head !!
> Funny thing his me and Trev were meant to be going away this weekend with out the kids ..was meant to be romantic .. and fun !!



You should STILL go and be romantic and fun!

Don't let this news, about an event that happened 6 years ago, ruin your current relationship with your husband.

It sounds like the 2 of you have come SO FAR in 6 years to rebuild your marriage.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Part of me wants to go and enjoy being together we have been through so much and yes we do have a really good strong marriage.
Ive become more confident and i really do trust him , i cant tell you in words how much i love him.

but ( always a but ) lol 
Im angry and annoyed that this has happened now !! i wish that she had the courage to tell us 5 years ago because he could have had a relationship with his son .

but saying that at the time i think that information would have made me walk .


----------



## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Well then things work out the way they do for a reason. If you had known, you likely wouldn't have the marriage that you do today. 

I think you should go. You will have the anger no matter what. Having a fun weekend might just ease that anger for a few days. Besides.....you deserve it right now. And tell your husband to get you something special on this trip. You really deserve a little pampering or a nice little gift right now!


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> Funny thing his me and Trev were meant to be going away this weekend with out the kids ..was meant to be romantic .. and fun !!


I hope you are still going...


----------



## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

I am a true believer in the idea that "everything happens for a reason".

You just found out about this now, instead of 5 years ago, because 5 years ago it would have led to a divorce where now it will lead to some changes in your life but the 2 of you will make it through it no problem.

GO ON YOUR TRIP!


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Yes we will go 

Its been a crazy few days , but i can say that im feeling so much better now i suppose shocked takes over and then the hurt comes back .

But it was 6 years ago , i have forgiven him (cant forget ) and he has really gone out of his way today to reasure me about what he wants and what he feels he needs .

Been really great just to sit and talk whilst the children were at school .
DNA tests are booked and i guess in a few weeks we will know .


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

with all that has gone on i do feel FANTASTIC !! 
Im so glad Trev is going with the dna tests ( not sure what i would have done if he hadnt)
thankyou all for your advice ..found it good to hear different views even though they did scramble my head ..and make me think should i have said nothing did i cause more grief ?
but i do think this would have come out at some point be it now or in our future.. i can deal with it now .


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i'm glad you're feeling good about your decision.

please allow me to, one last time, reinforce your conclusion that, based on the full breadth and depth of my worldly experience, you absolutely did the right thing.

have a wonderfull weekend. you deserve to.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thankyou  i am really looking fowards to getting away ,cant belive i so nearly cancelled .

I know i done the right thing im totally guilt free of wanting the truth , my husband deserve to know and so does the child .


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I have probably had the best long weekend of my marriage , We have talked so much and we were so honest with each other about our past actions and our future need . I m feeling so positive content and i can really say im so glad we have stuck it out and worked through our problems.

Tommorow we have a drive to a private clinic for dna tests to be carried out , to be honest we know the results its all about how we move on with the information we receive from them .


----------



## pickles2009 (May 5, 2009)

Bottom line is this...... it doesn't have anything to do with you. I know from an emotional and ultimately financial stand point that it does, but upfront, it's between him and her. Get out of the way, then once they figure it out, stand by your man.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I totally understand its between them and im 100% behind my husband ...what i meant was how we tell our children and our familys .. i wont stand in the way of my husband having a realtionship with his child .. thats not what im like at all. Its about finding a way through this that doesnt upset her family and ours .


----------



## pickles2009 (May 5, 2009)

You're putting the cart before the horse and freaking out over something that MAY NEVER EVEN BE AN ISSUE. 

Let him and her figure it out. THEN go from there. You're putting pressure on a relatonship that is already fragile. Back off and give it a chance to work itself out. 

Just my opinion.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Its not a issue , she has said the lads is his child and the dates add up . The DNA test are only going to prove what we all ready know . Our Marriage is strong enough to work through this .. im only really worried about telling my parents and thats because i kept his afair a secret from them years ago ( They are really strict catholics and i knew at the time that they would just keep on at me to leave him ) 

I just major freaked for a while .. i guess i was reminded of the past and it hurt ..


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Glad to say that tests were done , i met his ex mistress properly today .. was a little awkward at first but we parted talking ( kepted my cool really well ) 
We find out tuesday the results .


----------



## theBlameGame (May 6, 2009)

Hmm this is pretty interesting besides the fact that people suggested that the DNA test is unnecessary... You still did it or asked for it anyway. I think even before you posted this YOU knew what you wanted to do. So, to that I wish you all the luck and I hope you got what you want.


----------



## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> It's a sure reminder for men to keep their pants zipped up tight at all times!


AND women Mark.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

:iagree:[
I wanted the DNA test to be done just to mark a end to years of lies .. this way we all know where we stand . Its not been easy but there is a light glimmering .


----------



## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Good luck Humpty. You seem like a strong person. Well done.
And say "hi" to my old country for me! (Ex-Essex lad).


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Im strong when i need to be  i do belive that everyone can make mistakes its what you do to make things right that counts ..
Essex .. my sister lives in grays


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I so wish i could control my emotions ,sometimes i just want to get of this rollercoaster and hide in the corner !


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

i have thought of nothing else !! come tuesday when we all know the results and to be honest there is no doubt its something i know i have to deal with . It really depends on my husband and her to deside contact issues and finacial support , once that is sorted i cant see a way of not telling them because our children will need to know... 3 year olds have a way of just letting every one know whats going on !!


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

forgive me for saying this, but this is going to be quite a shock to the other woman's husband, no doubt there's going to be some anger,and,from his perspective, your husband might not appear to be a shining example of fatherhood.

if i may, when deciding whether to tell your parents, you might want to keep in mind your initial reaction to the whole situation, that is, it's best that the whole truth come out and be dealt with.

i would suggest that the closeness of your relationship with your parents is a factor in whether or not to tell them, but i get the sense you're very close, and so, you probably should, barring any extenuating circumstances.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I am really close to my parents and i cant bear the fact that ive kept this from them and to be honest i miss there support because i know they would have helped us through this .

My husband is a fantastic father he has a wonderful relationship with our children ... and yes i do understand that her husband is the childs only father and we have spoke at lenght about that .. it takes more then a sperm donnor to become a dad .

this whole situation brings questions and i dont belive there is any correct way to deal with any of them except to do what feels right!

what might be right for us may seem crazy to others , we dont want to cause hurt to the child and her husband .. ijust think everyone needs to know the truth .


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i smiled when i read that you think everyone needs to know the truth.

i like smiling, so thank you.

and yes, your particulars put you in rarified atmosphere, but your posts exhibit the creativity and boldness of spirit that portends happiness.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Well we now know that My husband fathered another child durring his affair .. Im not going to lie and say it doesnt hurt because t hurts like mad but i know we can work through this .. ( am i allowed to hit him  ) only joking ..but if you are having a affair just remember how the effects can become lifetime .. We are going to tell our children and my parents sometime over the weekend ... My job is to hold things together and ill do my best not to become sad or depressed by what i know my parents will say .
Sarah the lady who he had his affair with is facing a bigger task of telling her husband and i truly hope they will be ok .. 

But both sarah and my husband have said they are glad that the truth is known and i am to .


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

given your positive nature i believe things will work out for the best, eventually.

your parents sound like good people and will be disappointed in your husband but will come around.

your children will follow your lead, and so they'll cope as well.

the other woman's husband is, i think, the unknown quantity.

as i said before, you are in a relatively rare situation, but your spirits are good.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thankyou all so much , i cant imagin how her husband will react i really do feel so sad for him, another innocent victim of an affair .

Thanks for your advice over my parents that has helped a lot  

I cant and wont let it effect our marriage ,we have been through to much to allow that to happen ..
loads to sort out and a future to build thanks to all of you and fingers crossed for saturday


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

yes, hd's attitude and spirit are inspiring to me. 

and i'd join the two of you because shopping just happens to be one of my favorite things too.

i know, guys aren't supposed to like shopping. what can i say.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

now thats make me smile loads


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I hope you are rewarded for putting this little guy first--and as hard as it is, secrets in his life would be much, much harder. His poor dad--the man raising him--I cannot imagine how he will feel. But adoptive parents all know that biology is not important to loving and parenting a child; may he be able to open his heart to this child, too. I wish he were on this list so we could help him and you, HD, are probably in the best position to do so as the other "innocent" spouse. For the other children, having sibs is cool and as they get older, they will go through various phases of understanding what it means. If the parents set a good standard--don't blame the victim!!--then they should all end up happy as sibs and recognizing that no one is perfect. May God bless each one involved in this with whateve they need to get through it without tearing down others.


----------



## Hopeful_SLP (Apr 14, 2009)

I want to applaud you for your courage in following through with your vows. I don't know that I would be strong enough to stick by if I were in your situation. 
Maybe this is just one more test of the unconditional love that you obviously have for your husband and your family. I hope that from this point forward your relationship can grow ten fold what it has in the last 6 years!


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Yes i love my husband and our family more then the world !!! but i could have very easily walked away back then . its been a lot of hard work and a lot of thanks goes to some fab councelling and just talking .. the most important tool in any marriage is talking


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> Thankyou all so much , i cant imagin how her husband will react i really do feel so sad for him, another innocent victim of an affair .


Innocent victim? They're probably more thin on the ground than we realise. It's a reminder for us all to keep a finger on the pulse of our marriage.

Potential victims beware!


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

We are meeting them later tonight , She has told her husband and has agreed to meet .
Im actually really scare about this  im not into arguing at all .

I hope that things remain calm !


----------



## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Wow...everyone meeting together. I'm surprised the other husband wants to get together. I was under the assumption that he just found out. 

Good luck to you tonight. I hope everything remains calms for you. Whatever happens, do not get caught up in the emotions. This is for your husband to deal with, you are a supporter for him and the child. I hope this is in a public place....that would help to prevent any outbursts.

I have to tell you...I think you are such a strong and couragous woman. I don't know if I could have made it through all that you have been through. Big kudos to you. You still have a lot to get through and I believe you will be able to do it with grace.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I second everything MsStacy said! You are an amazing woman, HD.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

wow yes he has only just found out but said that he had always had is doubts .
He is actually a really lovely bloke .. it still turns my stomach to sit in the same room as her ..but i was there for trev. 
very very tense we agreed to take things very slowly and voices were only raised for a few disagreements .

i did at one point think i should have walked past her that day and not questioned !! but trevs glad that i said something.. we have a hell of a long way to go still .

i cant belive this is the result of a quick shag over the office desk .. id be lieing if i said it doesnt make me mad !!

a quick shag that has changed everyone lifes ..

mixed emotions really but i guess its to be expected


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thanks for your surport it means a lot


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

It was the hardest few hours ive spent for a while , Her parner is still and rightly so in a state of shock !! i dont think it was really the best time to meet everything is still very raw , but i understand his need to see us. 

We parted on good terms and are meeting again to discuss how we can all move fowards .

Voices did get raised at times but everyone stayed in control


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Wow - I feel like a "fly on the wall", watching all this unfold. Gripping stuff.


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i hope the worst is now behind you.

i hope all that is broken is known, and now begins the time for re-building.

it's bodes well that this is happening now, in spring, the season of re-birth and awakening.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Meeting them well let me tell you i did very nearly chicken out im not into arguing ... but its helped me loads and i know he was glad to see us and know that trev has no intensions to become daddy !! he is still just a sperm donnor as such ..although i do hope that they will get to build up some kind of relationship at some point.

I to hope the worse is behind us and our lives can rebuild just the children and parents to tell and then i know ill breath a lot better


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

we told our children early this morning and they were all reallt laid back about having a half brother ... kids adapt amazinley well dont they .. our 13 year old wanted to know if we were ok and i was able to anwser honestly that we are fine and we are working out how to move fowards but that his mum and dad are very happily married..
he went of and played football ..


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Have told my parents they wernt has supportive has i would have liked .
i dont think ive cried this much for years 
i can understand there disapointment and that they are really strict church goers but i have choosen to support my husband and our family i was really hoping they could see past what he had done ..to how we have worked through it and become more solid and close my husband means the world to me .

at one point i was asked how could i take on another woman child from a affair .

this is exactly what trev has done for me hes takern on my brothers children and we are raising them in a warm loving home they call him dad 

i do hope they are just shocked but i cant belive how they have reacted


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

they need some time.

remember, you're still their little girl.

these are the parents who have made you who you are, and based on that i believe they will eventually come around.

meantime, you need to concentrate on your husband and children and let your parents digest this news at their own pace.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I think you may have gone too far telling your parents, especially at this early stage. If I were your husband, I might be feeling that all this openness had gone a little too far.

Still things could turn out just fine, but I would slow down on the broadcasting if I were you...


----------



## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I disagree, Mark. I don't see it as "broadcasting" by any means. The tests have proven he is the father. The two couples are working their way through this and deciding what type of a relationship will be formed with husbands new child. The child will be curious and will come around to get to know the bio-dad. HD's children have a step-brother. Absolutely the children needed to know. And since she is so close with her parents I believe they needed to be told too. Especially before the new child starts coming around, and most especially before one of the younger children said something. The children should not be expected to keep secrets. Now distant family and friends don't need to be told, but the people in HD's everyday life will be affected. Frankly, if the husband felt it is going too far.....you know where I'm going with that one!

HD....your parents just need some time. I'm sure they are beyond shocked, disappointed, hurt and angry right now. As Cloud said above...they made you who you are. They have taught and instilled in you the forgivness you gave your husband....they will come around in time and do the same. I still think you're pretty fabulous and doing a great job. Hang in there.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MsStacy-

Well on balance, you could be right! But it's a mess and it's hard to predict what the result of all this openness will be. It did not work out so well for Oscar Wilde.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Its a mess i totally agree mark ! I am a honest person its been really hard not to talk to my parents about this because usally they are the first people i turn to for advice. Trev wanted to tell our children , i dont belive that they should be asked to keep secrets from nanny and granpa !! 3 year olds arent capable of that anyway  .

I have phoned they arent taking my calls , hurts like crazy  but the ball is in there court now ...trev thinks its best to let them contact us rather then keeping on phoning.. im finding it very hard .


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I think this will be putting more pressure on Trev than he lets on. I can see pros and cons on both sides of what you did. However, the cat is now out of the bag (and there's no use crying over spilt milk). The best thing you can do now is to stick together like glue. Remember, the outside world is just that - outside. Keep it that way.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thanks Mark , i was guided by what trev said he wanted to do !! but im sure part of that was to make me happy so i guess your right .. we are going out to dinner with the kids today and sticking together.. we are closer then we have been for a long time i want him to lean on me a little i know this has been just as hard on him .

thanks loads


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

(and there's no use crying over spilt milk).

I couldn't cry anymore if i could !! looking fowards and hoping for a phone call from my parents .. if it doesnt come then ill cross that bridge when i need to !


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

What other people think is a total illusion. So is what we think. Thinking never ever succeeded in changing reality one bit.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I care a lot about what my parents are thinking right now !! but trev and all the children are whats important .
I supose i feel rejected by them , i didnt really think that they would react in such a angry way !!


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Well, I always say, when you get married, sometimes you have to first divorce you parents! An extreme view, I know


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Im trying not to let it bother me !! but of course it does !! We have has a great day together just playing with the children and walking in the woods even jumping in puddles with katie made us laugh.

Trev wants to go and talk to them face to face ... Im not going to let that happen . 

Im going to give them time and space ,its sarahs birthday on friday im sure they wont ignore that.

I do think we are all in shock and maybe we all need to slow down and let time heal open wounds and give us all breathing space.

I dont know just doing the best i can


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

your instincts are good. eventually your husband will have a talk with your parents, but give your parents a chance to do this when they're ready.

your daughter's birthday might be the event that starts things moving forward again.

for now, just go one day at a time remembering all the good you have.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

thanks taking each day one by one !! My dad came to see me this morning and it was good to have a hug from him my mum is a little more stubern but im hoping she will come round.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Had a long conversation with just me and her today was a little wierd but ok, she wanting to know my thoughts about how to introduce matthew and trev !! I think they both need to talk to family councilors first maybe swap photos !! any ideas


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Still nothing from my mum  ..... we are meeting with her and him on Thursday afternoon to map out future plans all seems to be going well apart from my mum!

trev wants to go and talk to her ...im wanting her to do the reaching out ,, hey i guess we are a like


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Just hang in there, HD...it will simply take some time. It's a lot to process for them, especially with "older" values.


----------



## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

HD, I've been keeping up with this thread and even posted once or twice and I just have one thing to say, you are an amazing woman.

Good luck and I will be praying for your family.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thank you !! 
im sure that in time we can work through the mess in a good positive way. We have been through so much the last few years have certainly dealt us bad hands  but looking fowards to a great future ahead , simply wanting nothing more than a happy husband and happy kids .
Once we have sorted out a path fowards im sure the jigsaw pieces will come together .

Still no contact from my mum which is hurting ...we usally talk at least 4/5 times a day giving her time to process her thoughts ..


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> we usally talk at least 4/5 times a day


My God!

I wonder if she is one of those mothers that was always waiting for an excuse to put your choice of husband down?


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> When you're not told the truth it turns your memories into lies


I know this one ALL TOO WELL!!! I had it done to me. 

But otherwise, HD, hang in there! You're making an amazing effort!! 

Dave


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

lol do you know my mum marks ? ha ha !! 

Trev was married before , and my parents have always thought that he wasnt good enough, my dad thinks the world of him now ..but my mum well shes stubbern .... saying that who cares ... i love him more then the day i said i do ..we are fantastic together .

Any way have a birthday for our daughter tomorrow and it will be a big test to see if she can with hold contact


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

my mother in law passed away about fifteen years into my marriage, and when my son was i think six. and every year she had the same attitude me about: 'ok, so you were a good husband for the last ten. but we'll see how you do in year eleven.'

she had the same attitude when my son was born: 'ok, you were a good dad for your son's first two years. but we'll see how you do in year three.'

i never let it bother me. in fact, i found it kinda cute.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

lol it does bother me  has much has i try to not be bothered it hurts !! 

Dads been round with presents for our daughter but no mum ... that makes me so angrty but im not going to phone and scream i just came on here to vent !! before i say something i will regret !!


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

By not speaking to YOU, is she saying it's your fault? Or is she feeling that you have brought the family into disrepute?


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I think its because i didnt tell her before when he had the affair !! She feels like ive brought the family into disrepute ,,, but so pleased my dad still came round !

I dont know what the anwser to this is apart from time ...there is no way that im going to make the first move I f she doesnt like it then she misses out on us ..

but then im feeling really angry maybe im wrong !

what really grates me is that its Sarah's first Birthday without her real dad shes old enough to miss him and it would have been nice if my mum could have just remembered what the children have been through ..and not punished them by not coming round


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

yes i probably put others before myself to please and stop arguements ..  
My mum has been really over bearing since my Brother passed away it hit her hard. 
I cant back down on this , im totally 100% with trev and our kids .. cant help wanting to feel angry.. sometimes i wish i had the strenght to say what i feel to her


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

After a long night and plenty of talking im going to close this post . ive been unfair to trev airing this in the way i have ..sometimes i need to vent and get my head straight often feel confused about what steps to take and what path to follow.thankyou for all your help and advice .carol


----------



## trev (May 23, 2009)

cool trev


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

ive had a few messages and wanted you all to know that things are great .. Trevs meeting his son this weekend , they will build up a relationship between them under guidance with a family counsellor , im sure the happy ending is out there to grab  her husband has been to meetings with trev and the counsellor and its all been really positve ... fingers crossed xx


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

your and your husband's positive outlook will win the day and happiness will prevail.

thanks for the update, and good luck.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Good luck!


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

thanks dcrim  i think ive seen enough counsellors marriage sex family children .. and to be honest the best ones are on here


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

My mum has been great , shes stayed away and has let us spend time together by having the children , this way she gets to see the kids and we get alone time  

I should have set boundaries a lot sooner .. before i let it become a problem hey we all make mistakes 

But ive become fantastic at comunicating !!!


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

O.k Trev met with his son today , under guidance from a family counsellor .he came back really happy and with photos ..i cant belive how much he looks like our son a little shocked but glad it went well .


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Good for you! I'm so glad you're together! You can both be there for each other. Keep it up (uh, so to speak), girl! You go!


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Im glad to  ive learnt so much from the last few months about me and my marriage .
Feel like a totally different person  more confident ... didnt mean to say this meeting didnt affect me i was really worrid, 
I feel so lucky to be where i am in my life a fantastic husband 4 wonderful children and a step son ...who i hope in the future can become part of all our lifes .

I must say though in my darkest times this forum gave me the hope and guided me to the right place great site great people


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Loving you humour !!! Ha ha wink wink !!


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Mommy, HD...I figure if I can make a girl laugh (while clothed!) she's almost ready for me.  ((** HUG **)) to both of you...hmmm, want to make a sandwich?!?


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

right ive needed to laugh these last few months id have gone crazy if i hadnt seen the funny side of everything


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I met my stepson today  i didnt know what to expect , but it went well , it was nice to finally meet him and i cant belive how much he is like my youngest !! came away feeling positive ..


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Just a quick update thank you for all your P.M the children met each other yeaterday ..was so tough because they went with the family counsellor and we had to stay and hope that they were all fine .. of course they were and id spent hours worrrying lol !!! Ours came back full of excitement and looking fowards to spending more time with there step brother ..just taking each step slowly but the future is looking great ... 4 children 1 stepson and a little boy on the way .....= a really happy mum wife lover


----------



## MidwestDave (Jun 18, 2009)

I can offer a little perspective on this. My wife got pregnant from another man, 20 years into our marriage and after three kids of our own. It totally devastated me, and in the end it destroyed our marriage. You cannot underestimate the damage that this sort of irresponsible behavior can cause.

The husband that may not realize that is not his child is the person who is getting the worst shafting in this situation. That is a truly evil thing to do, to have the child knowing it is not his, but to let him bond with him, let him raise him, all the while knowing it may (will) come out in the end. And then the fallout for the child is horrific.

As far as the advice about keeping everything secret? Is that really possible? Wouldn't that take an awful toll over the years?


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Midwestdave

whilst i can totally understand what you have been through i have had a choice to make either i let the situation destroy our marriage or we could work together and make our marriage stronger ... yes it hurts more then id admit at times but we have become stronger our marriage can survive this and yes im glad the truth is out for all to see and they can judge how they see fit. I know how much i love my husband and our family and our marriage has survived one of the hardest tests.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Yes. HD is a truly monumental girl! And she wins! Has it all!  That's what it's all about.


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Thanks Dcrim ...but its been worth the fight the tears and tantrums lol , i now can say what i want ,we are open to each other and best of all we TALK


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Talking is good. When you are open to each other, you can both learn & grow. Keep "it" up girl!  You will both enjoy "it"!


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

thanks for all your P.M 
Trevs son is staying with us this weekend ! last night went really well but all the children had a really late night excitement etc so i am expecting fireworks today !!!
we have stopped family counselling but we always have a link with help because of the girls .. 
Me and Trev have been great managed to argue , about silly things with out it blowing up to something major like it has in the past ..in fact i feel closer now then when we got married many thanks to all of you for your support .Carol x


----------

