# My intro, My story...



## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

Hi, I'm new to this forum and getting used to all the abbreviations so bear with me. This is definetly a group I never wanted to be a part of, as I'm sure you all share in my sentiment. I am reaching out for advice, support, corrective criticism, and the opportunity to vent my rollercoaster of emotions to people who understand that just b/c I go from really high to really low in a matter of minutes multiple times a day, doesn't mean that I am suddenly bipolar (as I've been told). I want to be as transparent as possible so I am able to fully accept and receive the best advice for me. I've never reached out to anyone before b/c no matter what challenges in life I've faced I either had to get through them on my own or I didn't want to burden anyone with my problems, but I am finding that I just cannot get through this situation alone. 

We will eventually be attending counceling, as my WH has agreed to go. I am actively trying to find someone in our community that we can see, but until then, I can't keep this all in.

I don't know where to begin so I guess I'll just start.

I've been with my WH for nearly 10 years. He has been raising my 12yo since she's 2yo and loves her as if she was his. We also have a 3.5yo and a 1yo. We planned both of them and us having children together was actually at his suggestion and insistence. Before we ever even considered children I expressed how I wanted to do things right and be married before I ever had more children. He proposed to me and shortly after we started trying to conceive. ( I know, my fault. We should have actually got married before ttc, but I figured we were on track) so technically we are not married, but to keep it simple I refer to him as my H. I am sharing this info to help convey how utterly blindsided I was at finding out about WH affair, he wanted children, he wanted to grow our family, he always portrayed to me how much of a "family man" he is and how important his family is. 

We both agreed I'd be a stay-at-home mom and he'd do what ever it takes to provide for our family, ie., work 2 jobs, pickup extra shifts, etc. He felt our children needed the stability and guidance of a SAHM. 

Shortly after having our daughter he became a bartender, he started coming home really late and picking up extra shifts on his days off. Money was tight and I pushed down my uneasy feelings and thought I was being insecure and parinod. I wanted to give him respect and trust. But I couldn't escape my gut feelings. I insisted we move out of state to be closer to his family. I felt I was losing him and thought if he surrounded himself around people that loved him, he could see what was important. I had never met his family so that bit me in the behind b/c it turned into a sh!t show. 

I felt he had refocused on what was important as he started talking about wanting another baby. Well, I get preg and he starts changing. He starts ignoring me, disrespecting me, and pushing me away. We moved to a bad area right before the baby was born b/c he wanted too live far from his parents.

He isolated me and our kids from everything. I started homeschooling my oldest b/c the schools were terrible. We couldn't go outside b/c the neighborhood was terrible. 

My son was born and my WH disappeared. He would leave the house early in the morning and come home at 2:30am sometimes later. He always had an excuse. I know it seems pretty obvious, but I didn't want to believe he had it in him. I tried telling myself maybe he made a few guy friends and just wanted to hang out, but didn't want to tell me b/c I'm always home and don't get to have friends.

Finally it got too much to bear. The lies were getting more and more ridiculous. I would cry to him begging him to come home earlier from work that the kids miss him that I needed him. I felt like a prisoner. Nothing got through to him. He'd come home smelling like alcohol and cigarettes, he'd have strage scratches on his neck, in the year after my son was born we never had sex once. I didn't have family or money or anyone to turn to and ask for help. Finally, I started digging. 

He didn't have a cell phone so I never had a way to communicate with him once he left the house. He doesn't have any social media (that I know of). I started going on to his co-workers social media and started finding pics of him at bars, at peoples social gatherings, his company picnic that he told me they needed him to work a double shift b/c the other bartender went to the picnic and got too drunk to work, pics of him an hour away up on the mountains, etc but nothing with another girl one on one.

I found 2 messages by some girl left on his work schedule email, he tried to explain away. But I finally had a name. 

He came home smelling like alcohol and again tried to deny it one night. A few weeks before I purchased a gps and voice recorder, but hadn't installed it. Partly b/c I was afraid to know the truth, partly b/c I felt like I was violating his privacy. Well, I was finally done with the lies and needed to know the truth.

I installed a gps in our family van, inside my son's carseat. And I placed a voice recorder under the seat. I was able to watch his lies unfold right before my eyes. I could see his true location in real time, but had to wait to listen to the recorder, so when he got home I could hardly contain myself. Watching him lie to me, but finally knowing they were lies and I wasn't going crazy.

Once he fell asleep I listened to the conversation that killed my soul. It's amazing how the first day I started looking how easy it was. I thought I'd be tracking him and listening to a bunch of nothing for a while...

The contents of the conversation make me sick and my heart is pounding through my chest and my anxiety is peeking as I type this and recall the crap that was said.

This happened a week before my oldest daughters bday and 3 wks before our lease was up. It's been about 2 months now and I know without counceling I will never feel like a human being again. I am broken and devastated and falling into a depression. I have to actively keep a grip on myself throughout the day for my children's sake. I'll put on music and dance with them in the kitchen, take them to the park, and all my other daily mom duties to keep them happy, but the whole time I want to crawl in a hole. I have no motivation to unpack or clean or cook.

He beged me not to leave him, that he's sorry and it had nothing to with me. I said we could go to counceling and then I'll decide what I want to do.
He tells me he's sorry and he's going to be a better man and he's on the up and up, but I don't know if it's my skepticism and pain, and mistrust, I just don't feel like he's being genuine. I don't feel an emotional connection from him. Actually he feels disconnected. He keeps asking me for sex. Every single day and I don't know why? Is he consciously trying to mentally torture me or is it his need to feel like I'm still here? We've had sex maybe 3-4 times, but all I see is him with her. I don't want him to touch me, but I want the old him back. I'm afraid of pushing him away, but sometimes I wish he would just leave so I could move on with my life.

So, yes, ultimatly we will be attending counseling, but for now I need some guidance to help me get through each day.

Thank you for taking the time to read through this mess. Please leave any feedback or questions you have. My leaving him and moving on with my life is not off the table, but it is on the back burner at least for now.

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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So so sorry you find yourself in this place, it is gut wrenching.
He has lied to your for a very long time. You are confused and hurt. Do not make any decisions now though. The best thing is to wait until your emotions have settled and the only way to do that is to ask for a separation. You need that in order to be able to think clearly. You can ask a lawyer to help you with the terms of the separation, in terms of how he sees the kids, the financial support etc. You will not be able to resolve things while he is still in the home with you as he will most definitely try and rug sweep and get you back and then probably start his **** all over again.

You need to focus on you alone, leave him and the marriage aside. Consider getting even a part time job. Most definitely get IC for yourself. You are too raw to go into MC right now. There doesn't seem to be much remorse from your WH, he needs the time out to think deeply about what he is about to lose. Do not let it be easy for him, he needs IC to see why he did what he did to his wife and family

so
1. get IC for yourself and get family and friends support, tell them what he has been doing, do not hide it , do not cover for him
2. go see a lawyer with regard to your rights, and how a separation would work, 
3. Ask your H to move out, why should you disrupt the childrens lives, although you might want to move away from that place if it is best for you and back to your family. You can still do that now as you need the emotional support
4. Get STD tested, ask him too also. Do NOT sleep with him. He wants to have make up sex and hope it will all go away but he has lied and cheated on you, do not let him steam roll you into anything. Please be firm and tell him so. 
5. If he cannot understand or empathise with your pain then you already know that maybe this marriage is headed to D. remorseful cheaters do not force their BS into anything, they give them time and space.
6. Finally do not be afraid of pushing him away, he caused this, in fact though it seems counter intuitive, the more independent and strong you become the more attractive you will be. Let him deal with it, he is not your problem, take care of you
7. How do you know he is not still seeing the OW, has he gone NC, has he written a NC letter etc? 
8. From what you say I suspect he will placate you for a while, then when things are settled go back to what he was doing before. he really needs a scorched earth approach and I cannot see that happening. You should not be the one offering counselling, etc, he should be the one bending over backwards to win you back, and he isn't. Drop all the overtures to fix the marriage, you fix yourself, tell him you are done and move on accordingly, then see what he does, it will tell you everything you need to know.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Infidelity is a *****. Many of us have experienced it, unfortunately, and remember the pain like it just happened. I'm sorry it's happened to you. 

Since you said you're not married to him and no longer work, my concern is what financial security you have (hopefully you do have some) in case things may go south?


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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

aine said:


> So so sorry you find yourself in this place, it is gut wrenching.
> He has lied to your for a very long time. You are confused and hurt. Do not make any decisions now though. The best thing is to wait until your emotions have settled and the only way to do that is to ask for a separation. You need that in order to be able to think clearly. You can ask a lawyer to help you with the terms of the separation, in terms of how he sees the kids, the financial support etc. You will not be able to resolve things while he is still in the home with you as he will most definitely try and rug sweep and get you back and then probably start his **** all over again.
> 
> You need to focus on you alone, leave him and the marriage aside. Consider getting even a part time job. Most definitely get IC for yourself. You are too raw to go into MC right now. There doesn't seem to be much remorse from your WH, he needs the time out to think deeply about what he is about to lose. Do not let it be easy for him, he needs IC to see why he did what he did to his wife and family
> ...


Thank you for the advice. I did get an STD test. It was negative for everything. He refused to get one, but I know they were having unprotected sex. It's great getting prospective on how he should be acting, b/c I feel like he's ashamed and embarrassed, but not remorseful or like he truly wants to be here. But, rather that staying is "the right thing to do" for the sake of the kids. He hasn't verbally said that, but he won't give me any answers and is trying to convince me things weren't as deep as they were with the OW. He's still staying at work late and working 6 days a week. He doesn't let me see his work schedule anymore and says the online system hasn't been working. I wasn't sure if his guilt was making him act this way or b/c he really doesn't want to be with me.

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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

@peacefulHEART


peacefulHEART said:


> Hi, I'm new to this forum and getting used to all the abbreviations so bear with me. This is definetly a group I never wanted to be a part of, as I'm sure you all share in my sentiment. I am reaching out for advice, support, corrective criticism, and the opportunity to vent my rollercoaster of emotions to people who understand that just b/c I go from really high to really low in a matter of minutes multiple times a day, doesn't mean that I am suddenly bipolar (as I've been told). I want to be as transparent as possible so I am able to fully accept and receive the best advice for me. I've never reached out to anyone before b/c no matter what challenges in life I've faced I either had to get through them on my own or I didn't want to burden anyone with my problems, but I am finding that I just cannot get through this situation alone. *Like most things in life -we can't really do it on our own. We just are not designed that way...interaction makes us more secure. I'm glad you found this place...but sad that you needed too*
> 
> We will eventually be attending counceling, as my WH has agreed to go. I am actively trying to find someone in our community that we can see, but until then, I can't keep this all in.*You shouldn't keep it in. Discussing what's happened (even with anonymous strangers on the interwebs)..will help you gather some much needed perspective*
> 
> ...



*Nothing happens in a vacuum...What else was going on when this started? What is the situation with his family?*


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

peacefulHEART said:


> Thank you for the advice. I did get an STD test. It was negative for everything. He refused to get one, but I know they were having unprotected sex. It's great getting protective on how he should be acting, b/c I feel like he's ashamed and embarrassed, but not remorseful or like he truly wants to be here. But, rather that staying is "the right thing to do" for the sake of the kids. He hasn't verbally said that, but he won't give me any answers and is trying to convince me things weren't as deep as they were with the OW. He's still staying at work late and working 6 days a week. He doesn't let me see his work schedule anymore and says the online system hasn't been working. I wasn't sure if his guilt was making him act this way or b/c he really doesn't want to be with me.
> 
> Sent from my LG-K540 using Tapatalk


*Call his employer...ask for his schedule...tell them you are planning a surprise vacation....party...something...have them email it to you *


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Im so sorry you are going through this.

It would seem you have landed yourself a real low life. Given the extent of his lies and past history i would not trust anything he says. If anything he is not remorseful for the pain he has caused you. He is just sorry he got caught.

He needs to be taught a real valuable lesson or else he will never take you seriously again. If you are going to reconcile with him he cannot have this easily. He needs to work for it and gain your trust on your terms only he gets no say.

For the moment i would suggest you see a lawyer and file for child support.

Lay out your ground rules and insist he follows them to the letter. Buy him a cell phone which he must answer at all times, no more coming late, he is to show you his work roster in advance. You get the drift.

If he starts to grumble about any of the above or how he feels like a prisoner, constantly being watched or it is all unfair to him cut him loose immediately.

Personally given his record i think he would most likely do it again when he thinks things have died down but thats your choice you know him better than us here.

Good luck.


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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Infidelity is a *****. Many of us have experienced it, unfortunately, and remember the pain like it just happened. I'm sorry it's happened to you.
> 
> Since you said you're not married to him and no longer work, my concern is what financial security you have (hopefully you do have some) in case things may go south?


I don't have any. I stupidly put all my faith and trust in him. He said if I wanted him to leave he would still handle the bills until I started working...

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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

peacefulHEART said:


> I don't have any. I stupidly put all my faith and trust in him. He said if I wanted him to leave he would still handle the bills until I started working...
> 
> Sent from my LG-K540 using Tapatalk


Its not stupid to trust. Its not stupid to have faith. 

It is, however, very unwise to not have a plan. Beating yourself up -won't give you a plan. Actually, quite the opposite.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

peacefulHEART said:


> I don't have any. I stupidly put all my faith and trust in him. He said if I wanted him to leave he would still handle the bills until I started working...
> 
> Sent from my LG-K540 using Tapatalk


Find a lawyer and see what your rights are and come up with a plan. He isn;'t doing anything to make this better so work on the assumption it is over. Get your ducks in a row ASAP.


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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> @peacefulHEART
> 
> 
> 
> *Nothing happens in a vacuum...What else was going on when this started? What is the situation with his family?*


To answer your questions and give a little more insight. We are both 32. I started dating him at 22. I was just coming out of a pretty terrible relationship as well as trying to sort through some other emotional traumas in my life.

I was a single young mother and I had no family and no one to turn to. He gave me comfort and I felt safe. I was extremely attracted to him and his very charming personality. He is so outgoing and confident. Pretty much the opposite of my ex. But, most of all he loved my daughter.

After a while, though, I felt as though he lost interest in me. I was so miserable, but I was going through a very bitter custody battle that my EXes new GF was pushing for, b/c she was jealous and felt if they could take my daughter away they could cut me out of the picture. By the end of that 4 year long horrendous fight I wound up with a restraining order against her and supervised visitation with bio dad every other weekend that he never showed up to.

Over that time things between me and WH weren't that great. I felt he wanted to be around his friends more than me and I let him know that my plans were to move back to my home state to be closer to my mom and sister and he was welcome to come if he so chose.

The next year and a half I was on cloud 9. He was the man I always wanted him to be. Loving, caring, considerate. He was all about our little family and started talking about marriage and having more children. Really focusing on our future. We had our daughter when I was 28. We started having car trouble shortly after and started to financially struggle for the first time in our relationship. 

I insisted time and again that I would return to work. He didn't want to hear it. He started bartending and then working 2 jobs. 

He hadn't spoken to his family for as long as I'd known him and he always said it was his fault b/c he had no real reason not to. He moved out at 17 b/c he got in a bad fight with his dad. And he always blamed himself every holiday and birthday for not calling them.

I finally convinced him to call his family for Thanksgiving which led to weekly phone calls. Things seemed really great on that end.

Meanwhile, I was watching our relationship start to sink and suggested we move back to the state we were living in before to be closer to his family. I thought it'd be good for all of us to have that. Him, to reconnect with his mom, dad, sisters, grandmother, nephews. And my kids to have them as well. 

Once we moved he seemed like his old self. The guy I feel for twice before. He was doing great at work, loving having his family around. Things were good. At this point I didn't suspect he ever cheated (now I question everything) 

We didn't want a big age gap between our kids and I felt I was getting older, 30 at this point. So we stayed on track for our family planning. But this time his personality started changing. His family became very intrusive in our lives and his mom became overbearing and rude to me and my older daughter. She would show up without notice and cause fights between H and me. So he wanted to move far enough to keep her at a distance. 

Once we moved he cut my accesd to any transportation by driving the car to work everyday, saying we don't have enough money for me to waist the gas or go anywhere. I didn't realize the neighborhood wasn't up to par until after we moved in. (There was a shooting 20 yards from my front door)

So my kids and I suddenly felt like prisoners locked in a cage. 

Well, I wrote another book. But hopefully this clarified as to how I found myself in this situation.

It was always our plan that while I was home I'd take a few classes to work towards my degree, but we've never been able to get there. Obviously b/c he found better things to do with his spare time then help improve his family.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Your boyfriend/partner reminds me of my ex BIL, who was also a manipulative control freak. He isolated my sister from her friends and family, and proceeded to control her through fear, intimidation, verbal and physical abuse. My sister gave him chance after chance but he never changed. She was faithful during their entire marriage but he cheated numerous times. By the time she found the courage to divorce him, she had wasted over half of her life with him. You're still young; you should get as far away from him as possible. He's not going to change. That's one of the cardinal rules about relationships: is that we can't change them.


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## Cowboy2 (Nov 12, 2013)

Wow, sorry to hear you are in this situation.

One of the best things about this place is you get unbiased outside perspective of people that have been through it. Invaluable.

My perspective is he has manipulated you big time over the course of years. You know he isn't sorry, you said it didn't feel genuine. Not that it matters but this is probably one of numerous affairs.

Start taking control of your life and getting your power back. You ALWAYS have choices.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Your WH did put you in a cage, and 3 children.

He's got serious issues in HIS head. He isolated you from family and friends. Do you have a relationship with your family? Move in with them (with kids) for a few months until you get on your feet. If they are in a different state, then that will be a major obstacle for you to get stable.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is not a very nice person, is he?

He probably tried to control his family, but that didn't work, so he ran away from home in a massive hissy fit.

Is he suffering from a personality disorder? He might be. They can be so charming, until they are thwarted or crossed.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You have to hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

How can you get money? How can you survive if he decides to leave...this is more likely to happen than not? Who can help you get on your feet if you need to leave him?

Where does your family live, and do you have a good relationship with your family? Can you depend on them for help? 

If you are in the USA, you can apply for aid as you have kids. You can get housing, food stamps, and even some money for the kids. The government will even fully pay for you to get a 2 year degree and start working to improve your life. You even get free daycare for your children. Start looking into that if you live in the States!

You don't have to put up with this horrible man! You can better yourself without his help as he really isn't much help at all. 

That is what is so great about this country, it protects the innocent from irresponsible adults like your WH! 

Stop wasting your time on this loser, and please stop having children with this sorry excuse of a man!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don't know if he's a narcissist or not but certainly narcissists have the ability to charm, as he did -- until they choose not to. He may be one of those people who needs a constant supply of women to charm. 

I think you said the two of you planned on getting married when you decided to have children. Did he back away from that or did you? My concern is your financial situation and where you stand legally since you aren't married. I'm not sure what your rights are or if common-law marriages are still recognized now? I hope you will be able to see a lawyer and find out.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

peacefulHEART said:


> To answer your questions and give a little more insight. We are both 32. I started dating him at 22. I was just coming out of a pretty terrible relationship as well as trying to sort through some other emotional traumas in my life.
> 
> I was a single young mother and I had no family and no one to turn to. He gave me comfort and I felt safe. I was extremely attracted to him and his very charming personality. He is so outgoing and confident. Pretty much the opposite of my ex. But, most of all he loved my daughter.
> 
> ...




Thanks for the background. 

It's gonna be prudent for you to move yourself towards self-sufficiency as rapidly as you can. There are avenues to garner help from various agencies and organizations. Many here can assist you in tracking that help down. 

He kinda sounds like a boy that is playing at being a man...and not playing very well. In the process of doing this he is abusing and neglecting his family, failing to nurture and care for the most important thing in his life. I feel for you and your children. What you are going through ins't what marriage/love was meant to be.

Take care of you and your children. Allow others to help you


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Honestly you want a good relationship with this man? Leave him. Kick him to the curb, and say he is no partner, he is not a father that protects his home and family. He opens you up to STD's, he is not around to help with kids. Sounds like he only makes money....and thats IT? and while he is making that money he is cheating on YOU, AND YOUR CHILDREN. He cheated you and your kids out of a happy well adjusted home. He needs to FRACKING grow the flip up. 

And you should not sit around and wait for it, because this man is ONLY going to do the minimum. I will let others tell you that this man is not doing enough. He is NOT remorseful. He is just upset that he got caught. Maybe after 6 months of False R, you will see that. But more often than not the BS is in a confused fog after D day.


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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

TaDor said:


> You're WH did put you in a cage, and 3 children.
> 
> He's got serious issues in HIS head. He isolated you from family and friends. Do you have a relationship with your family? Move in with them (with kids) for a few months until you get on your feet. If they are in a different state, then that will be a major obstacle for you to get stable.


I don't have any family. I have a younger sister and my mother. My relationship with my mom it's that great and she wouldn't be any help to me in this situation. 

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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

As the saying goes, God only helps those who helps themselves. Don't sit around and wait for your situation to improve or for your husband to change. Have contingency plans in place as soon as possible, so you can leave at a moment's notice.


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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

I honestly do believe he is a sociopath and compulsive liar. I've believed that about him even before all this happened. He is very narcissistic.


MattMatt said:


> He is not a very nice person, is he?
> 
> He probably tried to control his family, but that didn't work, so he ran away from home in a massive hissy fit.
> 
> Is he suffering from a personality disorder? He might be. They can be so charming, until they are thwarted or crossed.





Openminded said:


> I don't know if he's a narcissist or not but certainly narcissists have the ability to charm, as he did -- until they choose not to. He may be one of those people who needs a constant supply of women to charm.
> 
> I think you said the two of you planned on getting married when you decided to have children. Did he back away from that or did you? My concern is your financial situation and where you stand legally since you aren't married. I'm not sure what your rights are or if common-law marriages are still recognized now? I hope you will be able to see a lawyer and find out.



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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> You have to hope for the best, but plan for the worst.
> 
> How can you get money? How can you survive if he decides to leave...this is more likely to happen than not? Who can help you get on your feet if you need to leave him?
> 
> ...


The thing is I know he would never decide to leave. I would definetly be the one to initiate the separation. We have talked about if I really did want him to go he would spend the rest of his life trying to prove to me and the kids that he is a better man. And if I did want him to go he would give me everything and he'd continue to pay the bills. 

He knows how much he's hurt me and I know he doesn't want to hurt me any more in any way. He also wouldn't abandon his kids like that. But, for now, I will try sorting through it all and hopefully get some helpful advice here as well as counceling.

The thing is, he's not a bad guy. He's not evil or malicious. He is troubled and has deep rooted emotional issues that he's never faced. He's been getting by in life b/c of his charm, but I've always seen the pain in his eyes.

I know there's more to the story with his family that he has just never wanted to address. 

He can be self loathing and self sabotaging. I just can't abandon him without at least giving him a chance to be the man I always thought he was. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over the A, but I can't walk away from someone I love at their lowest point of life.

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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

Openminded said:


> I don't know if he's a narcissist or not but certainly narcissists have the ability to charm, as he did -- until they choose not to. He may be one of those people who needs a constant supply of women to charm.
> 
> I think you said the two of you planned on getting married when you decided to have children. Did he back away from that or did you? My concern is your financial situation and where you stand legally since you aren't married. I'm not sure what your rights are or if common-law marriages are still recognized now? I hope you will be able to see a lawyer and find out.


He backed away and I never pushed the issue b/c I didn't want to marry someone who truly didn't want to marry me. We went 4 separate times to fill out the papers for the marriage licence and just never went back to turn them in. I figured if he really wanted it he would make the effort. Now I feel like he wanted to put a ring on my finger (engagement) as a beacon to other men that I'm unavailable, but didn't want to put a ring on his finger.

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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> Thanks for the background.
> 
> It's gonna be prudent for you to move yourself towards self-sufficiency as rapidly as you can. There are avenues to garner help from various agencies and organizations. Many here can assist you in tracking that help down.
> 
> ...


I 100% agree with you. He even says, "I'm such a big kid" and I'm always telling him "no, you're a grown man"
People that meet him are always surprised to find out his real age. I don't even think the OW knew his age. She's 22. 

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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

For the most part I know the majority of people are going to tell me to leave. I understand that. I would have said the same thing before I actually found myself in this situation. If, eventually, I do decide to end things then I will travel that path. Right now what I'm looking for most is how to handle the situation if I decide to stay. B/c honestly leaving (or having him leave) would be easy. I'm not afraid of that. I am very self sufficient and I'm not staying for finances. 

But, I need advice as to how I'm supposed to handle this emotionally and with him. What type of questions should I be asking and how should he be responding. Is there a link anyone could share as to a worksheet or list of expectations I could give him to help him understand what I need from him now? He says he's willing to talk to me, but when I start asking questions he shuts down. I understand that IC and MC will ultimately give me guidance to these issues, but I'm trying to make it day to day until we can start going.

This is definetly not what marriage and love are. I truly know that. But I'm willing to see if we can get there. 


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

peacefulHEART said:


> I honestly do believe he is a sociopath and compulsive liar. I've believed that about him even before all this happened. He is very narcissistic
> Sent from my LG-K540 using Tapatalk


Then this man is incapable of love and will most certainly not stop cheating. If he is a narc, then you are prolonging the inevitable. He will use you and toss you because he only loves himself. 

Can you live with the fact that he is incapable of not cheating? Can you live with the fact the he is incapable of loving you or your kids?

If you can, then you can stay with him until he tosses you out. Toss you out he will. It's part of being a narc personality.


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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> Then this man is incapable of love and will most certainly not stop cheating. If he is a narc, then you are prolonging the inevitable. He will use you and toss you because he only loves himself.
> 
> Can you live with the fact that he is incapable of not cheating? Can you live with the fact the he is incapable of loving you or your kids?
> 
> If you can, then you can stay with him until he tosses you out. Toss you out he will. It's part of being a narc personality.


I cannot live with that. I am willing to see if he is willing to do the work and work on his own issues. If not than I will move on. 

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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

A real narcissistic cannot change much, a sociopath will never change.

I recommend these books and IF he wants to PROVE himself.
1 - Make actual plans to MOVE to a good part of town, TODAY.
2 - He's home with the kids everyday.
3 - You two go out on a DATE once a week, every other at the most. NO KIDS. Even if its 3~5 hours.
4 - he must be willing to go to couples counseling. ASAP, not next month or year.
5 - Get a low-cost 2nd car SO you can take care of the household while he is at work.

books:
#1 "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. ($10~18 on Amazon) 400 pages

Maybe #2 (As a quick starter as its can be read in under 2 hours - for him to read before #1) "How to help your spouse Heal from your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald (About $8 on Amazon)
#3 "The Human Magnet Syndrome" by Ross Rosenberg (for you only)
#4 "You're not crazy - You're Codependent" by Jeanette Menter (for you only, maybe - go to coda.org and locate a test).

Personally, with him separating you from friends and support systems, it makes you trapped. So find ways to becoming self-supporting, even if it takes 2 years.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

peacefulHEART said:


> For the most part I know the majority of people are going to tell me to leave. I understand that. I would have said the same thing before I actually found myself in this situation.
> 
> 
> Sent from my LG-K540 using Tapatalk


You need to understand (Many of us) WE HAVE BEEN IN YOUR SITUATION. this is an infidelity forum. We have been where you are. (Rationalizing why our partner deserves a second chance Bla bla...) We are often just further in the process than you are. That is why the advice is to leave. Because while you stay he will only do the bare min. 

we are not ignorant inexperienced here. You are however, but you are also in shock, denial and fear. All very understandable things. Just please....dont think our advice is coming from ignorance and misunderstanding of your situation. A lot of our spouses have deep FOO issues. And are sometimes bipolar, narcissistic or passive aggressive. But also our spouses have many redeeming qualities. We married them RIGHT? so they cant be all bad. 

I still stand by my statement. You should leave. Or....sign up for years of frustration and pain and him NEVER growing up.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

peacefulHEART said:


> For the most part I know the majority of people are going to tell me to leave. I understand that. I would have said the same thing before I actually found myself in this situation. If, eventually, I do decide to end things then I will travel that path. Right now what I'm looking for most is how to handle the situation if I decide to stay. B/c honestly leaving (or having him leave) would be easy. I'm not afraid of that. I am very self sufficient and I'm not staying for finances....
> 
> This is definetly not what marriage and love are. I truly know that. But I'm willing to see if we can get there.


Two or three post before that didn't you say this --



peacefulHEART said:


> I honestly do believe he is a sociopath and compulsive liar


If he is a a sociopath and compulsive liar you can't make it work. Unless your idea of marriage is him always lying to you and sleeping around. But also these traits don't just stay underground. Eventually this will start to hurt more aspects of his life, and by proximity yours. Anyone with these traits is going to end up damaging both you and his children. Don't let that happen you need to protect them!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Get a plan together. Whether it's getting an education, etc. Start making a future for you and your kids. It'll take time but you'll have an end game. Start now and don't waiver. You have no future where you're at.

You're married to a low classed rat.


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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

TaDor said:


> A real narcissistic cannot change much, a sociopath will never change.
> 
> I recommend these books and IF he wants to PROVE himself.
> 1 - Make actual plans to MOVE to a good part of town, TODAY.
> ...


Thank you. I will be investing in each one of your suggestions.

I am hoping he gets a professional diagnosis so I can understand the way his mind works and see if he's even capable of working through this. In my years of research in trying to understand him I realized that he definetly hits all the bullet points for these mental issues.

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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> You need to understand (Many of us) WE HAVE BEEN IN YOUR SITUATION. this is an infidelity forum. We have been where you are. (Rationalizing why our partner deserves a second chance Bla bla...) We are often just further in the process than you are. That is why the advice is to leave. Because while you stay he will only do the bare min.
> 
> we are not ignorant inexperienced here. You are however, but you are also in shock, denial and fear. All very understandable things. Just please....dont think our advice is coming from ignorance and misunderstanding of your situation. A lot of our spouses have deep FOO issues. And are sometimes bipolar, narcissistic or passive aggressive. But also our spouses have many redeeming qualities. We married them RIGHT? so they cant be all bad.
> 
> I still stand by my statement. You should leave. Or....sign up for years of frustration and pain and him NEVER growing up.



You are 100% right. It's the good parts of him that I am trying to cling on to. But, I honestly don't know if I can. I guess I was just hoping someone would tell me it is possible to get through this and be happy. 

I'm really glad I reached out to this forum. I was apprehensive at first b/c I'm a pretty private introverted person, but I need perspective and understanding as to what my role in all this is at this point. 


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don't think you're going to get very many posters telling you it's possible to be happy long-term with a sociopath (your word). There's no fix for that. The "good" a sociopath might project is basically a mask covering up what's really there deep down. No amount of therapy will take care of that. Dealing with a narcissist is similar. They are what they are. 

Whether you stay is obviously up to you but you need to know what you're in for.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

peacefulHEART said:


> I guess I was just hoping someone would tell me it is possible to get through this and be happy.


You can certainly get through this and be happy just not with him.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Hope your doing ok OP
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> Hope your doing ok OP
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. I'm taking things day by day. Just focusing on my kids right now. Yesterday was really bad for me and today is good.

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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Thats about all you can do. It is always better to make important decisions calmly...you have time to fully consider each step you take, which given the reality of having a family to take care of, its critical.

Good luck to you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Sociopath are inhuman. They have no actual feelings, everything is just pretend to suit their needs. Nothing more. They have no ability to feel anything.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Hi. The book "How to help your spouse Heal from your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald can be found free on the Internet. Just google it. IF he TRULY wants to reconcile he MUST do those things!

I'm reconciling with my H. I've invested the last 26 years of my life with him & we have 2 young children. For me, I don't see the rush to make a forever decision. Nothing says that I can't change my mind & divorce/throw him out, any time I want. That's the new truth he's created!!

As a mother your first action has to be moving to a better school district. If he can afford to party & woo women he can afford more rent! Honestly I'd rather live in a 2 bedroom apartment where my kids are SAFE!

If he's a desperate to keep you & his family NOW is the time to demand what you want. When he's not working he needs to be home taking care of the kids so you can study.
I made the HUGE mistake of leaving my life with my family & friends in England to move to the USA to support my H. Isolation is terrible for you (even when things are going well!) & becomes a nightmare that controls you if you allow it. 

No matter what you choose to do in your relationship have a security plan. He has proven that he is not a safe partner or father. As I said, I'm in reconciliation so I obviously believe that people can grow & change. He has a LOT of work to do!! 

I know how easy it is to fall into the infidelity depression abyss. I know how hard it is to pretend to be a happy, perky Mum for my kids day after day, after day. Ugh!! 

Step 1 - Have a free consultation with a lawyer. You NEED to know where you & your kids stand no matter what happens.

Step 2 - move.
Step 3 - read & give him the FREE book.
Step 4 - education & benefits.

Step 5 - Breath!! Watch his actions. Then decide the best future for you & your kids 'for now'.

Best wishes. I know how hard this is. You are stronger than you think!!


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## DrSher (Jul 17, 2016)

It definitely sounds like he has a serious personality disorder and/or fits into criteria for a sociopath.


Find the BEST rock in your life (besides your kids) and build yourself up from there.
Do you have any close girlfriends? I would definitely not use any friends/guys here unless they are as pure as the Savior..

Stay strong, 
explore what's among,
this world of bliss,
still time for plenty a kiss.
You did nothing wrong!


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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

BrokenLady said:


> Hi. The book "How to help your spouse Heal from your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald can be found free on the Internet. Just google it. IF he TRULY wants to reconcile he MUST do those things!
> 
> I'm reconciling with my H. I've invested the last 26 years of my life with him & we have 2 young children. For me, I don't see the rush to make a forever decision. Nothing says that I can't change my mind & divorce/throw him out, any time I want. That's the new truth he's created!!
> 
> ...


Thank you so much, we did move, we were actually in the process of moving when his A came to light...

He has started handing over the money he makes daily. While I'm so glad he has taken that step, it also makes me sick to see how much money he's actually been making. Our bills were always behind and when we needed things he never had the money. 

I'm going to look into that book. Thank you. 

I feel like I change my mind everyday. One minute I feel we can get through it b/c he's doing what he should, the next I don't think he's taking my needs in this seriously and I tell him to leave. 

I don't have any friends or family. That's why I came here. I needed perspective. I tried confiding in his mother, but she was no help. She wound up gossiping to his entire family rather than giving me advice. That is her son so of course that is where her loyalty lies. Not to mention she stayed with her serial cheating husband for 30 years.

I've never felt more alone in my whole life. I think the more time that passes the hurt fades and the anger consumes my thoughts. I don't want to be angry.

I am focusing on doing things for me. I've made an appointment to enroll in some classes. I have our vehicle everyday now so I take the kids to the park which has been great for them. They've been trapped just as much as I have.

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

peacefulHEART said:


> He isolated me and our kids from everything. I started homeschooling my oldest b/c the schools were terrible. We couldn't go outside b/c the neighborhood was terrible.
> 
> My son was born and my WH disappeared. He would leave the house early in the morning and come home at 2:30am sometimes later. He always had an excuse.
> 
> ...


Ok, first, if you DO stay together, you MUST insist on:
you have access to all his electronics
you install a GPS in his car (or his phone if he gets one)
he tells his parents, with you present, what he did to you and asks for your and their forgiveness
he tells you where he is AT ALL TIMES
he goes - and participates - in marriage counseling
he writes out a timeline of EVERYthing he has done
and if you feel he's still not being honest, he agrees to take a polygraph

If he's not willing to do just these basic things, he is GASLIGHTING you (look it up) and he has no intention of quitting cheating.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

turnera said:


> Ok, first, if you DO stay together, you MUST insist on:
> you have access to all his electronics
> you install a GPS in his car (or his phone if he gets one)
> he tells his parents, with you present, what he did to you and asks for your and their forgiveness
> ...


Sorry. I don't really help women one on one, post to their threads or private message women. If your husband were here and seeking help maybe I'd have a thing or two to say to him but turnera's post is a good start. 

You probably don't have money for a polygraph so just presume he's lying and the burden would be on him. If he's the one working at a bar and the OW supposedly quit. He's gotta quit the bar and get a normal job NOT working with or around females {especially single ones}. 

If he's a serial cheater try to find a job where the two of you can work together but most serial cheaters don't have want or ability to follow through with being held accountable. Are you religious? Take him to church. Certainly he must want to be a better man, husband and father than he's being now.

If this is the thread where you have a kid but aren't really married, then he's free to date whoever he wants {as are & were you}. It's not nice, but there are no vows. Let him go and consider the fact you didn't marry him a lucky break.

Sorry I couldn't be of more assistance.


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

peacefulHEART said:


> He backed away and I never pushed the issue b/c I didn't want to marry someone who truly didn't want to marry me. We went 4 separate times to fill out the papers for the marriage licence and just never went back to turn them in. I figured if he really wanted it he would make the effort. Now I feel like he wanted to put a ring on my finger (engagement) as a beacon to other men that I'm unavailable, but didn't want to put a ring on his finger.
> 
> Sent from my LG-K540 using Tapatalk


Yup.

Lucky you. Dump him. His behavior has confirmed he's not marriage material.

You deserve better. You are important too and, if nothing else, you need to model an appropriate response to hurtful behavior for your child. 

If you want a hopeful message ~~ dump him and move away ~ the further the better. Get distance and prospective. If he cleans up his act and seriously addresses his character issues, THEN, from the safe distance, you MAY consider allowing him to ask you out on a date and begin a very chaste and proper courting process from the very beginning. If you do it at all ~ you do it right this time. 

You probably won't be interested once you actually get out and heal but that's one path back that MIGHT work.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

TaDor said:


> Sociopath are inhuman. They have no actual feelings, everything is just pretend to suit their needs. Nothing more. They have no ability to feel anything.


They do feel, but only when it is about themselves. They have no capacity for empathy.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Yes, they do feel - but as you say, its about themselves and its minimal. Let's say one has a dog that he loves. The dog gets hit by a car and dies.
The sociopath will cry for a few hours or a day in front of people, then go out the next day and buy a replacement.

Their capacity for carrying for another human being is very minimal. The smart ones are rich, the dumb ones go to jail for murder. The reason the smart ones are not in jail for murder is that they don't want to deal with the hassle. No, not saying they are all killers - but to end a persons life doesn't have any value.


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## peacefulHEART (Jul 12, 2016)

Thank you all for your kind words and outside perspective. You've helped me see passed the lies. I just caught him in another lie. I am very heartbroken and sad for our children, but I see things for what they are.


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

peacefulHEART said:


> Thank you all for your kind words and outside perspective. You've helped me see passed the lies. I just caught him in another lie. I am very heartbroken and sad for our children, but I see things for what they are.


I'm sorry for your pain, but I do believe that there is power in knowledge and clarity. 

Even if you can't physically leave right away, please enact the 180.

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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Something that truly helped me when I reached the 'angry but still in complete & utter shock & disappointment', stage was....

I've invested 26 years of my life into this relationship....what does it matter if I wait a little longer to decide exactly what I'm going to do?

....it helped me to breath & to really think. If he truly loves you. If he's capable of real empathy & commitment he should wait or jump through hoops or anything else you need from him. 

YOU ARE IN CONTOL!!


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Are you ok PeacefulHeart? What's the new lie? Do you think that there is any hope left at this point?


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