# Torn and Confused



## DCLonely (Mar 3, 2009)

Background: 
My husband and I have been married for 6 1/2 years. Before that we dated for 2 1/2 years and met 4 years before that. In other words: we've known each other for a long time!

The Marriage:
The first year of marriage is always difficult and it was no different for us. But, we came out shining! We learned to work through our differences, to talk, etc.

Over the years, however, our relationship has started to go down the drain. We hardly spend any time together any more, other than driving together from one place to another. In the evenings we when we come home from work (we carpool together), we hang up our coats, give a quick kiss and a hug, and then we're off on our separate ways. He to his study in the basement, and me to my office on the second floor. The next time we see each other is when he comes to bed hours after I do. I kind of wake-up, say good night, roll over and then go back to sleep.

This has been going on for approximately a year. We haven't had sex in longer than that - and that includes even just making out! There is no intimacy whatsoever in our relationship. 

Part of the problem, at least on my part, is that I am no longer sexually attracted to him. I sometimes get treated as if I'm a frat brother, and that is a complete turn-off to me. I've tried saying something to him, but he thinks I'm joking and continues the behavior. Really, I don't need him farting on me (literally). It's rude and disgusting. Like I said, I've tried telling him that but it's gotten me nowhere.

Lately he has a decided to grow a beard. He's telling people it's because every man should grow a beard at some point in his life. He's told me that he'll shave it off when we have sex again. (I've told him that I hate the beard and that it's a turn-off). I'm not going to play this game of power! A marriage shouldn't be like that.

To compensate for the lack of relationship we have, I've taken on a bunch of new endeavors: I have taken a second job and I've gone back to graduate school. Additionally, I hold a prominant leadership position in a state-wide youth group, which requires a great deal of my time and energy (he also works with the group and he is a valuable adult worker).

I don't know how to get through to him! He did acknowledge, today, the lack of time that we spend together. I suggested that we pick a day of the week and make it "date night." He agreed, but I know that it'll only last for a couple of weeks. I'll get stuck planning all of the dates and he won't do a thing to plan and I'll end up getting frustrated because I'll feel like it's only one-sided. 

But, I digress. So, how do I get through to him? I'm not willing to continue to live like this. 

HELP! What on earth should I do?

~*~Lonely in DC~*~


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

dont give up before you have tried !! you need to make more effort to spend time together .. do you want to regain your love life with him ?


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## DCLonely (Mar 3, 2009)

Honestly, not really. I am so turned-off by him, I don't know if I can get it back. At night if he tries to roll over and "cuddle" I feel myself cringe. I'm just not interested in him anymore.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

so what attracted you to him in the first place ...what was that spark...
why did you stop having sex


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## DCLonely (Mar 3, 2009)

I think what attracted me, at first, was the fact that it was a guy who paid attention to me. I'm not an ugly woman, but I wouldn't consider myself cute (although others tell me otherwise). All of my life I had never sought attention from anyone, and never got any either. 

So, here comes this guy who is, truthfully, a wondeful man. He finds me attractive and I fall for it. I think I was in lust with the idea of being in lust. I think I was enjoying the attention and found it, somehow, freeing. 

We stopped having frequent sex right before we got married because of a pregnancy scare. Our families would have KILLED us if I had gotten pregnant, so we put the breaks on. For the first couple years of our marriage, we had sex about once a month and then it just started become less and less. I found that I was not as interested anymore -- I didn't look at him and think, "ooh baby!" In fact, when I looked at him I thought, "Ugh. Really?" And then I started getting bored when we did have sex. I started speeding things along to get it over with. And then it just stopped. I don't know if that answers your question completely, but that's kind of the gist of it.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

I do think you should give the date nights a really good go dress up get a hotel room ...the fact that you havent had mind blowing sex with your husband for such a long time means you have lost the will to try ..
if he found someone else how would you feel ?
sometimes its not untill your faced with loseing someone you realise just how much you love them


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## DCLonely (Mar 3, 2009)

How would I feel if he found someone else? A part of me would be crushed, because I have invested many years of my life into this relationship. A bigger part of me, would be happy for him. He deserves someone that will give him 100% of themselves. He deserves someone who things he holds the moon and the stars. He deserves someone like that, and I don't think that's me anymore. I'm not sure I ever was.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

you deserve to be happy to . Have you thought about counceling together .. you have both learnt to live without each other for such a long time .it is still possible to fall in love again and find that spark ,have you spokern to him


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## DCLonely (Mar 3, 2009)

I know that I deserve to be happy. I know that. And I think one day, I will be. I just don't know what the catalyst of that happiness will be. 

We have not even discussed counseling. It hasn't been an option on the table. I don't even know how to bring it up with him. He's not one to share his feelings easily.

It is possible to refind that spark - but it is also possible to realize that the spark is gone and that it's time to move on.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

yes it depends on how easy you want to just give up ..
i think the fact you are married has to be worth a fight what have you got to lose? it seems you have made your mind up already ..


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## ambivalent (Mar 11, 2009)

Boy, do I know how you feel! This situation sounds very similar to my own. My husband and I were doing the 'separate lives' thing for two years before finally confronting it. Now we have been going to counseling for about a month and I am beginning to see that I may not want things to continue either. I also think that there were a lot of other issues at play that got us together and kept us together even though that special spark was never really there (at least for me). There is a lot of good, but things were never great. So now when I am confronted with the question of, do I want to repair the relationship, I think, well, not if repair means going back to the 'best' times we had together. My husband seems to have experienced things differently in that he does think there was a big spark and things were at one point great - I don't know if we just have a different opinion or if he is not admitting that there was always something a little bit off for him. But either way it boils down to this: I love him as a person and am very sad to think about losing him, but I do not feel any desire to try and rebuild a sexual or romantic relationship with him. And while I agree that it is possible to reignite a spark, I think it is really difficult to create a spark where there was not one in the first place. For us, I think the next step may be separating to see how that space makes us both feel (mostly me, since I am the one who has to make a decision).
DCLonely, I hope it's helpful to know that there are others of us going through the same thing! I think the worst part of this for me is acknowledging that this problem or lack has been there maybe from the very beginning - so as my husband said, Why are we even here? How did we end up married if you never felt this spark? And I have no satisfying answer, but it doesn't mean that it's not the truth.


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## brknheart (Mar 16, 2009)

DCLonely / Ambivalent-

I'm in the same situation, only on the opposite side. My wife has expressed feelings similar to what you have described. I love her and our family and can't fathom the idea of breaking it up. I have been hoping she would realize that feelings of love & attraction can return if we both work on other aspects of our relationship that were lacking. I'd be interested in your thoughts. Isn't it at least worth trying to save your marriage? Is there any small part of you that still gives you a tiny spark of attraction or love for your spouse? Something he does or says that makes you admire him?

Best of luck to you both. I hope you find happiness.


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