# Step Daughter-In-Law



## Nikita2270

So my partner's son came down this past holiday weekend to visit. He comes to the state his dad lives in about once per year.

Anyway, the son is a sweet, nice guy but last year he married this girl (after only a 3 month relations) who is very challenging.

Personally, I don't care for her. She's not just rough around the edges...she's rude. She is the type of person that has to be the center of attention by any means. The type of person that thinks that the family she's coming into is supposed to cater to her instead of the other way around. She's judgmental, strange, and crude...and I have a very good sense of humor. Frankly I just find her behavior in company very offensive. She was also texting my partner (her father-in-law) with some extremely inappropriate sexual messages very early on into their relationship.

She's the type of person that rages on FB and argues with family members on there. I would never use FB, I am a very private person...but I've heard about the major fights that have happened.

For instance, quick story...this weekend, they were commenting on the fact that my partner and I are not engaged and making comments about my lack of a ring (her ring was purchased by my partner who gave them the money). It irritated me...not because I give a flying crap about their opinion but because I hate people invading my privacy. We'll get married when and if we damn well please and its between us. It was inappropriate for it to be discussed. She also makes nothing but sexual innuendos...even when there are little kids around...its just kind of crude.

Anyway, normally this is a non-issue because they live in another state and don't visit often and I can easily just support my partner when they come and ignore the nonsense. I'm a low-drama kind of person. If they irritate me, I simply get up find somewhere else to be.

But here's my concern. Apparently, they're planning to move much closer. My partner is a wonderful father and a great guy and I would never interfere with the relationships he shares with his children but I have a really tough time with this girl's personality. I honestly don't think I have the patience to deal with her and I really wouldn't want her in my house. 

She's also gossipy and talks to my partner's very high-conflict ex-wife on a daily basis. I don't really care what anyone thinks but I HATE having my privacy invaded and really don't want to give anyone that I don't trust material to talk about me.

By the way, I'm not the only one that dislikes her...she's had some major blow-ups with other members of my partner's family.

I'm trying to be as positive as I can about the strong potential of them moving closer but I also won't lie to my partner. I really dislike the girl...don't want her in our house...and want to limit my time around her. I have zero issue with him going to see them although it makes me uncomfortable when my partner tells her anything about me or us when with his son and daughter-in-law...I don't trust her with the info.

I'm struggling with how I'm going to deal with this if they move closer. I rarely completely dislike anyone but I REALLY don't care for this girl.

My fear is that my partner is too nice to really deal with her...and I don't want to put him into a tough position because he loves his son very much.... but I really cannot take this girl.


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## Omego

Nikita2270 said:


> She was also texting my partner (her father-in-law) with some extremely inappropriate sexual messages very early on into their relationship.
> 
> She's also gossipy and talks to my partner's very high-conflict ex-wife on a daily basis.


I'm familiar with problems linked to step-family, inlaws, etc. They can really put a wedge between you and your partner if not dealt with early on.

You're going to have to nip this in the bud immediately. I imagine that the ex-wife has issues with her exH's relationship with you?

I'd also venture a guess that your partner doesn't really care his daughter-in-law's flirtatious behavior. He probably thinks she's just having a laugh, correct?

I think you should tell your partner that you feel badly when she comes over, that you feel badly when she texts him sexual comments and that you're uncomfortable with her close relationship to his exW and that you don't appreciate her bad manners because you don't find that appropriate, let alone in your own home. 

Just state the facts in calm manner. They are facts, so there's no way he can contest them.

Ask him how he thinks you could deal with this situation together. Get his opinion.


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## committed4ever

This post reminds me of something my SIL said to my Mother at a brunch on Mother's Day weekend. My Mom was being honored as Mother of the Year. My SIL was giving remarks on behalf of the family members that married into our family. (My brothe is one of my 3 oldest siblings who are not my Mother's bio kids, but lived with us since before us 3 youngest were born). I can't remember SIL's remarks verbatim but she was basically sharing how she was a "piece of work" when she came into our family (she truly was!). But her closing remark stuck with me:

"Mom (MIL) thank you for loving me when I was unloveable. Your example changed my life and made me a better person, because I wanted to be like you."


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## Jellybeans

Man, that sucks.

All you can do is imit your contact with her and call her out on her sh*t behavior when she does it.

As far as her talking about your/or possibly talking about you to his ex--people will always talk. Just make sure not to sure super personal info with her.


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## Hicks

You can't tell your partner what to do.

You can make choices and or ask other's to make choices and make your decisions accordingly.

In other words, your partner will probably put up with his son's wife because he feels guilty about the divorce. He will give them money and want to welcome them in his home. He will do many stupid things that drive you crazy. Now, you can either accept the relality of the situation or leave the situation.


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## WolverineFan

Ok - got it - you don't like this girl. It does seem you are, however, worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet. They may or may not move closer. Why worry about something that is still only in the realm of possibility at this point? It really isn't uncommon for there to be someone in the family that people don't really like that much. It's good that you don't want to keep your husband from seeing them, but what is the deal with fixating on whether she is going to talk about you or not? I have come to realize something, gossipers will gossip and there isn't much you can do to stop them. 
The truth is all of us have someone in our lives that we would prefer to not have to deal with. We do learn how to tolerate them for the sake of the people we love, and also for the common good of society. Stay open and honest with your partner and make decisions together. Extended families come along with any relationship we find ourselves in. Good luck.


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## papa5280

Nikita2270 said:


> She is the type of person that has to be the center of attention by any means. The type of person that thinks that the family she's coming into is supposed to cater to her* instead of the other way around*.


Sorry, you pretty much lost my sympathy with this comment. EVERYONE in a family needs to give a bit for EVERYONE. Just because she joined the family doesn't mean that it's only up to her to adjust. 

Beyond that, all you can do is to be open and honest with your partner, and then decide, if they do move closer, how much contact you personally want with her.


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## turnera

Personally, I'd hope to see you emulate an amazing role model for her by welcoming her, ignoring her rudeness, quietly pulling her to the side when she deserves it, and giving her a chance to learn a better path. Not to say she won't, but it's possible she's just never been near a better person before to learn from.


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## jld

I have four sons and I doubt I am going to adore every DIL I end up with. 

But it's on me to get along with them. I am just going to have to do it. They will be raising my grandchildren and I am sure I am going to want to see them.

I think we have to be humble with our children-in-law. Like turnera said, we have to set the example. It isn't all about us anymore.


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## Omego

jld said:


> I have four sons and I doubt I am going to adore every DIL I end up with.
> 
> But it's on me to get along with them. I am just going to have to do it. They will be raising my grandchildren and I am sure I am going to want to see them.
> 
> I think we have to be humble with our children-in-law. Like turnera said, we have to set the example. It isn't all about us anymore.


I've always promised myself that I would never, ever, ever, ever, behave as does my MIL. I'd like to think, however that my son would choose someone who has at least basic values (respect towards others, manners, etc.)

Otherwise, we're going to have a problem!


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## Nikita2270

> You're going to have to nip this in the bud immediately. I imagine that the ex-wife has issues with her exH's relationship with you?


Believe it or not, I have a fairly cordial relationship with his ex-W. My partner is a very good guy...he pays his ex thousands in alimony per month. She also occasionally calls him for advice. On the rare occasion that we have to be in each other's company at the kid's events....she's been kind to me and we can have a decent conversation.

I have heard that she's made many comments to the kids about my partner starting the relationship with me during their separation rather than after they were fully divorced. But she never says that to us and frankly, the kids think its silly. The kids are all well aware of why my partner got divorced. They also know how hard he tried to stay married. He didn't end his 30-year marriage over superficial reasons.



> I'd also venture a guess that your partner doesn't really care his daughter-in-law's flirtatious behavior. He probably thinks she's just having a laugh, correct?


Actually no, he found it completely inappropriate also. We're almost always on the same page although he is much calmer than I am...which I admire. He decided to handle it by not responding to any of those types of messages and eventually she stopped doing it.



> Just state the facts in calm manner. They are facts, so there's no way he can contest them.


There's no issue between my partner and I. He understands my aversion to her. However, I really would like to be able to figure out a way not to in any way limit his contact with his children while at the same time limiting my exposure to her. I know that despite the fact that he completely agrees with my point...he'd still wish that there wasn't going to be any conflict.

No matter what happens, he'll always be on my side. I already know that but I feel my duty is to ensure he never has to make that decision.

In any conflict, my partner will always choose me...that isn't an issue. The issue is that I want to never put him in that position...especially not with his children. Its my duty to find a way to deal with this situation but I already am dreading the idea of them moving closer. I HATE the idea and am struggling to figure out how I'm going to deal with it.


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## Omego

Nikita2270 said:


> No matter what happens, he'll always be on my side. I already know that but I feel my duty is to ensure he never has to make that decision.


That is so nice to hear. This is already a huge potential problem which you don't have to deal with. 

In this case, my advice would be different. Just let them come over as long as it doesn't become too invasive. And make sure they ask first, etc. You can always pretext a phone call, or work to do in the house, while at the same time being welcoming.

And if there is any behavior you don't like, just tell her, flat out.

Once I had a similar problem with my MIL and my H totally backed me up. I just said to her, with him present and saying the same thing, "if you are going to continue to behave like this, you will have to leave." She backed down and apologized. 

You could also ask your clearly very intelligent, empathetic husband (you are lucky!) whether or not he would mind if you said something to her about some of the things she does (if it came to that). Always check with him first.


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## Nikita2270

> All you can do is imit your contact with her and call her out on her sh*t behavior when she does it.


Thank you...I think you're right. Unfortunately, I'm just going to have to ask my partner to go to most events with them and simply limit my exposure. I'm not the type of person to call out her out on her behavior though. I don't have time to teach manners to grown ups.



> I've always promised myself that I would never, ever, ever, ever, behave as does my MIL. I'd like to think, however that my son would choose someone who has at least basic values (respect towards others, manners, etc.)
> 
> Otherwise, we're going to have a problem!


I'm not sure what my partner's son sees in the girl but she's his choice. They seem very happy together...which is very nice.

I just really have trouble being around her for any length of time. She's intrusive, she's rude and she's just hard to take. 



> You can't tell your partner what to do.


lol....I would never tell my partner what to do. He's allowed to see them whenever he pleases. He'd simply prefer that I'm with him and I can only take her in very, very limited doses.



> In other words, your partner will probably put up with his son's wife because he feels guilty about the divorce. He will give them money and want to welcome them in his home. He will do many stupid things that drive you crazy. Now, you can either accept the relality of the situation or leave the situation.


The last thing my partner feels is guilty about his divorce. Not only is he glad he got divorced...so are his children. They have a lot of issues with their mother.

My partner's money is his money...he can do what he wants with it. He had wedding funds for all of his kids...which they used to buy a ring. He actually would never regularly fund his kid's lives. He had mutual funds for their college and their weddings. We share the same values about entitling kids. And even if he decided to give them money, I would have no issue with that...I have plenty of my own money. 

I have accepted the reality of the situation and actually my partner doesn't do anything that drives me crazy. He's an amazing guy. If you think this is an issue between my partner and I, you misunderstood my post.


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## Nikita2270

> Sorry, you pretty much lost my sympathy with this comment. EVERYONE in a family needs to give a bit for EVERYONE. Just because she joined the family doesn't mean that it's only up to her to adjust.


I don't require your sympathy and I never said that my partner's family didn't welcome the girl despite her nonsense.

They're the kindest family I've ever met. They welcomed her, paid for her plane ticket the first visit, housed her, fed her and were extremely kind to her. She repaid that by fighting with family members, being rude, and being ungracious.

She told my partner's daughter that she wouldn't eat food bought at Walmart during a party. My partner bought a lovely handmade cake for her birthday their first visit here. Later he asked her if she enjoyed the cake and her comment was "it was cold in the middle." She's a jackass.



> Beyond that, all you can do is to be open and honest with your partner, and then decide, if they do move closer, how much contact you personally want with her.


Thank you...you're right and I have been honest. I just really would like to make things easier for him because his son is lovely and I don't want to do anything to make his seeing his son difficult. Its already been brought up that I've avoided every one-on-one event with the two of them...which I have. Although my partner totally understands my point, I know its hurtful to him to have to try to explain my absence and to attend without me.

I've also refused to allow him to give her any contact information for me. I don't want her phoning, emailing or texting me.


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## Nikita2270

> Personally, I'd hope to see you emulate an amazing role model for her by welcoming her, ignoring her rudeness, quietly pulling her to the side when she deserves it, and giving her a chance to learn a better path. Not to say she won't, but it's possible she's just never been near a better person before to learn from.


This girl is highly intelligent. She's perfectly capable of shutting her mouth...she simply chooses not to.

I have two children...my partner has 3. We both have busy careers. I have ZERO interest in teaching basic manners to an almost 30 year old woman. My energy is better spent on my own children and my partner's children.

I understand your point but there are people who are just too problematic to deal with.


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## Omego

Nikita2270 said:


> She told my partner's daughter that she wouldn't eat food bought at Walmart during a party. My partner bought a lovely handmade cake for her birthday their first visit here. Later he asked her if she enjoyed the cake and her comment was "it was cold in the middle." She's a jackass.


What!? Unbelievable. She needs to be called out. I didn't really realize how rude she was. You have the patience of a saint.


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## Nikita2270

> But it's on me to get along with them. I am just going to have to do it. They will be raising my grandchildren and I am sure I am going to want to see them.
> 
> I think we have to be humble with our children-in-law. Like turnera said, we have to set the example. It isn't all about us anymore.


True point and I'm honestly trying. I went to an event this weekend and to try again since they haven't been around in a while. I honestly really tried. Its hard to explain...I just truly find her almost impossible to listen to. I ended up just going outside with the grandkids and avoiding her completely for the rest of the party. The next day, my partner went and visited with them before they left and I didn't go. I just couldn't.



> In this case, my advice would be different. Just let them come over as long as it doesn't become too invasive. And make sure they ask first, etc. You can always pretext a phone call, or work to do in the house, while at the same time being welcoming.


Ugh...I know you're right but the very thought is tough for me to think about.



> And if there is any behavior you don't like, just tell her, flat out.
> 
> Once I had a similar problem with my MIL and my H totally backed me up. I just said to her, with him present and saying the same thing, "if you are going to continue to behave like this, you will have to leave." She backed down and apologized.


Funny enough...she's never made a comment directly to me or about me. I think she recognizes that that wouldn't go well. She's actually careful around me. But she regularly attacks others that I deeply care about. Like my partner's daughter. It pisses me off and its hard for me to listen to. My partner's daughter is a lovely woman and literally from the moment this girl got married to my partner's son, she started verbally attacking her. They've had some blowout fights.

I really just don't feel its my place to call her out at one of my partner's family functions.

Thank you for all the great advice...its very helpful.


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## Nikita2270

> What!? Unbelievable. She needs to be called out. I didn't really realize how rude she was. You have the patience of a saint.


Some of the worst stuff is apparently on FB. I haven't read it directly but my partner and his daughter were telling me that she was regularly posting stuff about how big my partner's son penis was and how she enjoyed giving him bj's etc. 

Obviously she can post what she wants but the whole family can see her page...including my partner, his ex-wife, all of their parents and the siblings.

She's just so rude and inappropriate.

I know my partner is just trying to support his son who is obviously in love with this girl for whatever reason. And he's doing the right thing. The difference between him and I is that he is the type of person that is extremely calm, patient and kind and will try to always find a way to find the good in someone. And I have less patience. Because I know I'm this way, I really have tried but she's just impossible and the second she's around or she's contacting my partner...my defenses automatically go up.


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## turnera

Nikita2270 said:


> She's a jackass.
> 
> Thank you...you're right and I have been honest. I just really would like to make things easier for him because his son is lovely and I don't want to do anything to make his seeing his son difficult. Its already been brought up that I've avoided every one-on-one event with the two of them...which I have. Although my partner totally understands my point, *I know its hurtful to him to have to try to explain my absence* and to attend without me.
> 
> I've also *refused to allow him to give her any contact information for me*. I don't want her phoning, emailing or texting me.


No offense, Nikita, but you sound like a judgmental, ungiving person. Maybe the reason you have so much trouble with her is that you are seeing your reflection in her. So she's a b*tch; deal with it. Be an ADULT and show the attitudes you'd like to see her reflect - grace, compassion, kindness, and understanding. WWJD?

Plus, you never know - as rude and crude as she is, he may tire of her quickly, and if you've cut off relations with him just because of her, he's going to remember it.


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## Nikita2270

> No offense, Nikita, but you sound like a judgmental, ungiving person. Maybe the reason you have so much trouble with her is that you are seeing your reflection in her. So she's a b*tch; deal with it. Be an ADULT and show the attitudes you'd like to see her reflect - grace, compassion, kindness, and understanding. WWJD?


lol. Your opinion of me is irrelevant. And there is nothing about her that is similar to me. I would never be rude or ungracious to my partner's family...they are sweet, wonderful people.

I'm not concerned about her being a b*tch...she's grown and that's her choice. What I'm concerned about is her being ungracious and unkind to people that I love. My duty when I came into the family was to make sure that his family knew that my intentions and motives were pure and that I would take care of their son, brother and father. I did my best to make them understand how grateful I was for the welcome they gave to me.

My partner is also a grown up and can decide to be around this girl if he pleases, however, I can't stomach her and have every right to limit my contact.

My concern isn't towards her...my concern is towards my loved ones, primarily my partner. Normally, she would be someone that I would never be around but I am trying to find middle ground for my partner's sake but I'm fairly sure that there probably isn't a middle ground and when they move here, I'm going to have to have very limited contact.

By the way, I'm not religious and its pretty presumptuous to imagine that everyone is and would give a crap about what jesus would do.


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## COGypsy

Nikita2270 said:


> By the way, I'm not religious and its pretty presumptuous to imagine that everyone is and would give a crap about what jesus would do.


There's that purity and grace shining through!

Seriously though, just make your boundaries clear. When I was married I couldn't stomach my mother in law most of the time. So I made it clear that contact was to go through her son and they could plan their own activities. I would attend if it was convenient, but that I had no intent for our relationship to be anything but polite. I made it clear that I would take her calls only if the message she left was appropriate and a response was so urgent that her son couldn't respond later for both of us. She was incredibly toxic and frankly, a really unpleasant woman so I opted out of that part of his family dynamic. No drama, no big deal, I just drew my line and held it. Not really worth the oxygen of a fuss about it all.


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## turnera

Nikita2270 said:


> lol. Your opinion of me is irrelevant.


Then why come here?



Nikita2270 said:


> My concern isn't towards her...my concern is towards my loved ones, primarily my partner. Normally, she would be someone that I would never be around but I am trying to find middle ground for my partner's sake but I'm fairly sure that there probably isn't a middle ground and when they move here, I'm going to have to have very limited contact.


Not trying very hard, now are you?



Nikita2270 said:


> By the way, I'm not religious and its pretty presumptuous to imagine that everyone is and would give a crap about what jesus would do.


I'm not religious either, but I believe that, if nothing else, his actions give us all something to aspire to. Even you.


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## committed4ever

> And there is nothing about her that is similar to me.


False pride is a smokescreen. It blurs your vision.


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## Nikita2270

> No drama, no big deal, I just drew my line and held it. Not really worth the oxygen of a fuss about it all.


Agreed. She's definitely not worth worrying about.

The good news is that they're planning the move later this year and I'm always extremely busy with my family around the holidays and the 1st quarter of the following year, I have massive work obligations. So I won't have to make any excuses not to be around them...I won't have the time anyway.



> Then why come here?


Because there are plenty of other poster's whose advice I respect and find helpful.


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## SadSamIAm

Nikita2270 said:


> I'm not concerned about her being a b*tch...she's grown and that's her choice. What I'm concerned about is her being ungracious and unkind to people that I love.


I am guessing the people you are concerned about are grown as well. Let them deal with her.


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## Nikita2270

> I am guessing the people you are concerned about are grown as well. Let them deal with her.


I don't get involved in the fights she has with other family members at all. They can and do handle it themselves. When I hear about it, it simply confirms what I already know.

To restate my premise for the 10th time, I'm simply trying to mitigate my partner's having to have any missed time with his son because I don't want to be around the girl. I'm also trying to limit his having to explain my absence. This currently isn't an issue because I only go around her at family parties where I can easily escape her presence.

If it comes to any type of confrontation in the future, I have no issue simply explaining to her that I have an incompatible personality type and find her difficult to be around. It might be the best course of action and would alleviate my partner having to make excuses for both my absence and the lack of invites to our home.


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## Omego

Nikita2270 said:


> Some of the worst stuff is apparently on FB. I haven't read it directly but my partner and his daughter were telling me that she was regularly posting stuff about how big my partner's son penis was and how she enjoyed giving him bj's etc.


She is rude and over the top Nikita but there is nothing you can do to change her. I think your best bet is to limit contact as much as possible. 

If it really bothers you, you could tell her that you think her comments on FB and her comments with respect to your partner's family are vulgar and rude and that you'd like her to stop. As you said, she's pretty much understood that she shouldn't try that kind of behavior with you.

But, at the end of the day, it's really not going to be your problem unless she ends up living with you, which probably won't happen. If they don't come too often I think you're going to have to just ignore her and call her out from time to time. 

I have an acquaintance whose son is married to someone not quite like your stepDIL, but who is awfully rude and borderline disrespectful to her MIL. The MIL wants to keep the peace and see her son and grandchildren, but she said the issue just eats away at her. She looks forward to family gatherings with a mix of enthusiasm and apprehension, and frankly apprehension seems to be getting the better of her. She tried to talk to her husband about it, but he doesn't really mind. She is literally making herself ill at this. She can't stand the DIL but wants to keep the family together. She doesn't dare call out the DIL.

Sometimes confrontation can lead to a better outcome if people understand where each other are coming from. Don't let the resentment fester.


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## turnera

Nikita2270 said:


> Because there are plenty of other poster's whose advice I respect and find helpful.


Ahh. So you came here for commiseration and to be patted on the back for being such a long-suffering victim of the mean 20-something-year-old girl who you see once in a while but have to hide from because she's so awful a person. And unless someone agrees with you, and doesn't suggest that YOU choose a different path, posters are neither helpful nor to be respected. Got it. Good luck.


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## wilson

Nikita2270 said:


> lWhat I'm concerned about is her being ungracious and unkind to people that I love. My duty when I came into the family was to make sure that his family knew that my intentions and motives were pure and that I would take care of their son, brother and father. ...
> 
> My partner is also a grown up and can decide to be around this girl if he pleases, however, I can't stomach her and have every right to limit my contact.


First, you have to realize that you're not as much as part of the family as she is. She has *married* into the family. I'm sure you and your partner have a deep, loving relationship, but you're not married. You have not yet crossed that line. You are part of the family, but less so than her.

Second, if her behavior bothers the family, let them deal with it. The only thing you should be concerned with is her behavior towards you. If your partner doesn't like the things she says or texts to him, let him deal with it.

I know you're just trying to protect the people you love, but you need to not be angered by her comments about other people. You don't have to go along with it, but don't cause drama because you don't like it. If the family doesn't like her, let them deal with it. If the family likes her, stay out of it. Everyone is an adult and can fight their own battles.

Also, realize that her family may actually like her behavior. Certainly her son does. Maybe they like that kind of rude, raunchy behavior. Your impression of the appropriateness of her behavior may differ from theirs. You may be seeing problems that don't exist for them.


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## Nikita2270

> She is rude and over the top Nikita but there is nothing you can do to change her. I think your best bet is to limit contact as much as possible.


I agree.



> If it really bothers you, you could tell her that you think her comments on FB and her comments with respect to your partner's family are vulgar and rude and that you'd like her to stop. As you said, she's pretty much understood that she shouldn't try that kind of behavior with you.


I didn't read the FB comments directly so there's no need for me to comment on it. My partner told his daughter to simply remove her from linking to the girl's FB page if she wanted to avoid unnecessary confrontations which is what she did. Anyone else in the family can do the same if they choose...so it isn't my place to say anything to her.

Truthfully, I doubt I will ever talk to her one-on-one unless its at a family gathering and then I only discuss superficial things. I don't feel the need to get into any deep conversation with her.

But if she ever directly asks me, I will tell the truth and let her know that our personalities are incompatible.



> She looks forward to family gatherings with a mix of enthusiasm and apprehension, and frankly apprehension seems to be getting the better of her.





> Sometimes confrontation can lead to a better outcome if people understand where each other are coming from. Don't let the resentment fester.


Very good point. I noticed this weekend, I literally dreaded the party that I had to go to...which is ridiculous because she's the only person that I don't look forward to seeing.

I love my partner's parents, his kids, the nieces and nephews, his sisters, the grandkids. I'm very lucky to be able to spend time with them. It also is never as bad as I imagine because its pretty easy just to leave whatever room I'm in at a party and go hang out with someone else in a different room. I feel protective of his kids...so when she insults my partner's daughter in public, its a natural reaction for me to get ticked off just like I would if someone insulted my own child. But his daughter is in her 20s and is perfectly capable of taking care of herself so I don't need to worry about it. My partner can take care of himself if she says inappropriate things to him too.

The worst this weekend was when she was making reference to one of the children's toys looking like a sex toy while the grandkids were sitting right there. Then making gestures with the toy. I just took the kid's hands and took them outside to play.

I will try harder to find a way to not let her presence spoil the pleasure of visiting everyone else.


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## Nikita2270

> Ahh. So you came here for commiseration and to be patted on the back for being such a long-suffering victim of the mean 20-something-year-old girl who you see once in a while but have to hide from because she's so awful a person.


Actually I don't suffer her presence at all if I can help it. Nor does it qualify at "long-suffering" since she's only been around for a year.

I don't hide from her either....I willfully avoid not being in her company. I simply do it in a way to not upset my partner's family. She's not my daughter-in-law or related to me in any way. And I'm at other people's houses, not my own. She has never and will never be invited to my home.



> And unless someone agrees with you, and doesn't suggest that YOU choose a different path, posters are neither helpful nor to be respected. Got it. Good luck.


You have every right not to agree with anything I say...and I have every right to not find your advice or comments credible or helpful.


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## SadSamIAm

Nikita2270 said:


> Funny enough...she's never made a comment directly to me or about me. I think she recognizes that that wouldn't go well. She's actually careful around me.


I think you just need to let your loved ones deal with issues with her if they have any. You say above that she doesn't do these things to you. 

If your boyfriend doesn't like her, he will plan to see his son when she isn't around. If the rest of the family doesn't like her, they will do the same. 

I am guessing your boyfriend would rather you not accompany him when he visits in order to avoid the drama.


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## coffee4me

I think your approach of purposely having little contact with her is a good one. 

I do think it odd that none of the ill feelings toward the DIL are brought back on the son. 

If this was to happen in my family the person who brought the person into the family would be called out to get the matter under control. You brought this person into our family if they disrespect our family it's your responsibility to handle it and ensure it doesn't happen again.


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## SadSamIAm

coffee4me said:


> I think your approach of purposely having little contact with her is a good one.
> 
> I do think it odd that none of the ill feelings toward the DIL are brought back on the son.
> 
> If this was to happen in my family the person who brought the person into the family would be called out to get the matter under control. You brought this person into our family if they disrespect our family it's your responsibility to handle it and ensure it doesn't happen again.


Or it could be that most of the family doesn't have an issue with her.


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## Nikita2270

> First, you have to realize that you're not as much as part of the family as she is. She has married into the family. I'm sure you and your partner have a deep, loving relationship, but you're not married. You have not yet crossed that line. You are part of the family, but less so than her.


That actually isn't the case. Neither factually since my partner and I have more legal and financial obligations to each other than many married people do...in this life and after our deaths. Nor is it true emotionally. I'm much closer to all of the family than she is simply due to relationship length and location. Add to that that no one actually likes her...its not just me...and she's actually a bit of an outsider. In addition, both my and my partner's family have inter-relationships with both our kids and extended family members. This girls family isn't in contact with her at all...so that dynamic doesn't exist either. Our marital status is more of a life choice on my part. I don't see the point.

Also if you want something from my partner...he comes to me before he makes any decision and vice versa. And since he's most active patriarch in the family, that's a big deal if you want something.

She definitely could be more of a part of the family if she hadn't started fighting with people which was seriously silly on her part. When they move here, she'll certainly have an opportunity to make amends...and hopefully she'll do that.



> Second, if her behavior bothers the family, let them deal with it. The only thing you should be concerned with is her behavior towards you. If your partner doesn't like the things she says or texts to him, let him deal with it.


As I said...this is the case. I don't get involved with family fights. And I voiced my concerns about the inappropriate texts since he asked me and he took care of it.

But since I've seen this behavior, it simply reinforces the fact that I should limit my contact with her and continue to do so.



> I know you're just trying to protect the people you love, but you need to not be angered by her comments about other people. You don't have to go along with it, but don't cause drama because you don't like it.


Its a pretty natural reaction to get irritated when someone insults a loved one. And where did you get the idea that I cause drama. I've never fought with her or said anything to her. What I stated is that I avoid her.



> Also, realize that her family may actually like her behavior.


She doesn't have contact with her own family. She mentioned at the gathering that she hasn't seen them or talked to them in a year since the marriage.



> Certainly her son does. Maybe they like that kind of rude, raunchy behavior. Your impression of the appropriateness of her behavior may differ from theirs. You may be seeing problems that don't exist for them.


You must have misread my posts. I actually think her and my partner's son seem very happy. I have limited contact but from afar they seem close...which is great for him. 

If you're suggesting that his family likes her behavior, believe me, that isn't the case. Its not just me that's having trouble. In fact, my experience with her isn't the main problem for my partner. Its the fighting between her and his daughter and ex-wife. That's part of the issue. I'm usually the one he goes to to help smooth everything out and I can't in this case because I additionally find this girl unbearable.

I usually can take a large range of personality types but hers just is out of my range to deal with.


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## Nikita2270

> I do think it odd that none of the ill feelings toward the DIL are brought back on the son.
> 
> If this was to happen in my family the person who brought the person into the family would be called out to get the matter under control. You brought this person into our family if they disrespect our family it's your responsibility to handle it and ensure it doesn't happen again.


Yea its a good point. Maybe he does talk to her behind the scenes...who knows?


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## Nikita2270

> Or it could be that most of the family doesn't have an issue with her.


That's not the case. Believe me its been discussed often. My partner has come to me a number of times after calls from various family members about the girl.

My partner's daughter and her have had confrontations to the point that they called each other from states away and had blowout fights calling each other every name in the book.

My partner's family are good people. They don't want to not give someone a chance. Currently, they're not here often so limited exposure is easier to deal with. The issue is that they've made their intentions to move closer clear so thing are going to change.

Funny enough, my partner and I are considering moving further away due to business considerations. It might be another potential solution to the problem.


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## wilson

Nikita2270 said:


> That's not the case. Believe me its been discussed often. My partner has come to me a number of times after calls from various family members about the girl.
> 
> My partner's daughter and her have had confrontations to the point that they called each other from states away and had blowout fights calling each other every name in the book.
> 
> My partner's family are good people. They don't want to not give someone a chance. Currently, they're not here often so limited exposure is easier to deal with. The issue is that they've made their intentions to move closer clear so thing are going to change.
> 
> Funny enough, my partner and I are considering moving further away due to business considerations. It might be another potential solution to the problem.


Perfect! They're already handling it. The problem will take care of itself. They don't need you to shield them. In fact, don't step in at all. Let them experience the full force of her personality. By protecting them, they may not be aware of all she is doing. Maybe when the kids start pretending that all their toys are sex toys, they'll actually put their foot down.

And no matter how close you are to your partner, you're still seen as his girlfriend by the family and society. I'm not saying this to be mean, it's just the way it is. That's just the way society looks at people living together. If you want to be thought of as part of the family, you need to be married. 

For the record, I have nothing against living together. I think it's great and I highly recommend it. But I don't view it as the same thing as being married and I wouldn't consider a family member's partner as part of the family.


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## Nikita2270

> I am guessing your boyfriend would rather you not accompany him when he visits in order to avoid the drama.


Actually, I think he'd rather that I was with him.

There isn't really any outward drama with regard to me. When I'm around her...I try my best to have a civil, simple conversation with her. I'll discuss the weather, or ask about her about work, etc. I just don't discuss anything personal and don't give her any information about us. My partner is capable of carrying the majority of the conversation so I usually am not obligated to speak much. If she asks me a question that I don't want to answer, I simply skim it and don't give any details. I can handle her in small, limited doses just fine. When she gets insulting and inappropriate in the crowd or to others, I find it pretty easy to find some reason to leave the room.

I think this would be much more difficult in a one-on-one situation with her though...so I have avoided accompanying my partner to any of those invites. I know he's not happy about it although he understands my reasons. Like I said, when they move here...its going to become infinitely more difficult.


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## Nikita2270

> In fact, don't step in at all. Let them experience the full force of her personality.


I don't get involved in other people's fights. What I'm discussing is my partner's and my anxiety about how to handle the changing dynamics once they move here.



> And no matter how close you are to your partner, you're still seen as his girlfriend by the family and society. I'm not saying this to be mean, it's just the way it is. That's just the way society looks at people living together. If you want to be thought of as part of the family, you need to be married.
> 
> For the record, I have nothing against living together. I think it's great and I highly recommend it. But I don't view it as the same thing as being married and I wouldn't consider a family member's partner as part of the family.


I understand that it may be the case with you...but its not the case with our families. All of my sisters are in common-law relationships...we're not really the marrying type. I was the only daughter that got married in my family and it was a train wreck.

My partner and our kids obviously think we should marry and we've discussed it but I just don't see the point. The only reason I've considered it is for legal reasons at the hospital in case one of us gets ill but we already have each other listed as the POA in each of our wills for all medical and financial decisions so legally its unnecessary.

I couldn't care less what anyone outside of our families think. Society can view our relationship as they please.

Funny enough...one of the reasons some other family members don't like the girl is because they think she married the son for mercenary reasons. They married in the first 3 months of meeting each other and as soon as she got married, she quit working despite the fact that they were having a tough time financially. I actually don't believe this...I think they truly love each other, they're just young. Not everyone thinks their married state is wholesome...so I wouldn't say that their marital status is helping her cause at all. There are lots of married in-laws that don't exactly merge well with a family just because they have a marriage license.


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## Nikita2270

Problem solved...they're getting divorced!


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## Bobby5000

You are not going to change Miss Center of Attention. You can gently tell your partner your thoughts which he probably shares but no more. If he does enter end up with Miss Wonderful, then you deal with it. To help you out, here's an easy list, 

I love that top
That's great
We have to get together more often
That's really interesting. 
Oh my gosh, tell me more. 
You're absolute right, I do have to do something about that.


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## Omego

Nikita2270 said:


> Problem solved...they're getting divorced!


My goodness! So soon?? I guess everyone's intuition was spot on....


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## Nikita2270

Well, before they left after their last visit, they revealed to my partner that they were having financial issues...caused by her not working due to "stress", etc. They left, got back home and then called my partner to cosign on a loan.

He said no because he had given them over 15k last year as a wedding gift....they spent it on crap. Tattoos, watches, piercings, very large diamond ring, etc....whatever it was their money but they had debt at the time and didn't pay it off.

Anyway, his saying no to cosigning was basically the straw that broke the camel's back. His son called him and told him that they had been having issues for some time...ie, she was controlling, they were fighting everyday, having severe financial problems, he didn't feel comfortable in his home, etc.

So he moved out and apparently is pretty glad to be out of there.

I actually feel very sorry....it sounds like she's broken-hearted and I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone but the truth is that I think she was the wrong person for him and seriously the wrong person for the rest of the family...so overall, its a good thing.

I hope she gets over her pain though and is able to move on happily eventually.


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## turnera

meh, this will (hopefully) be her 'learning period' in her life, where she realizes she can't be a stupid immature spoiled brat any more, that she has to grow up.


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