# Tonight I’m downing



## Bulfrog1987

It’s been just shy of six months from my husband committing suicide. We have a now 5 yo boy who is doing amazing, hasn’t skipped a beat basically since his dad died. My husband wasn’t really hands on, I’ve been the doer of everything for our son so his dads death didn’t really phase him. He was sad the first night, inconsolable, but realized this was final and there’s nothing we can do to change it.

He’s a lot like me. Muster the grit and move along. Tonight though, Tonight I’m just downing in I don’t even know what. I can’t believe this is our life. I can’t believe my husband chose suicide over getting help. I can’t believe after everything I put up with, lived through with him, that he did this to us.

Its worse now than when it happened. I feel worse now and it just keeps coming. Weeks of good days then days of bad. Just bad. He just robbed me and betrayed me on a level I can’t even begin to understand on the tiniest of levels. And our sweet boy, sure now he’s okay, but what about in another five years. I egging hate him tonight.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Bulfrog1987 said:


> It’s been just shy of six months from my husband committing suicide. We have a now 5 yo boy who is doing amazing, hasn’t skipped a beat basically since his dad died. My husband wasn’t really hands on, I’ve been the doer of everything for our son so his dads death didn’t really phase him. He was sad the first night, inconsolable, but realized this was final and there’s nothing we can do to change it.
> 
> He’s a lot like me. Muster the grit and move along. Tonight though, Tonight I’m just downing in I don’t even know what. I can’t believe this is our life. I can’t believe my husband chose suicide over getting help. I can’t believe after everything I put up with, lived through with him, that he did this to us.
> 
> Its worse now than when it happened. I feel worse now and it just keeps coming. Weeks of good days then days of bad. Just bad. He just robbed me and betrayed me on a level I can’t even begin to understand on the tiniest of levels. And our sweet boy, sure now he’s okay, but what about in another five years. I egging hate him tonight.


Some events just keep coming in waves like when you throw a rock in a pond. Just realized that you and he are not the same person and so your logic doesn't work trying to explain him. He was broken. I'm sure you did what you could to make him happy. Some people are just never happy. Don't let that be you. Take joy anytime you find it.


----------



## D0nnivain

hugs. Being the person left behind is tough. I'm coming up on the 16th anniversary of my EX's suicide. It makes no sense. 

Reach out to a group called Walk Out of the Darkness. They are people like us, dealing with the death of a loved one & trying to understand.


----------



## In Absentia

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I can’t believe my husband chose suicide over getting help.


He didn't choose. The alcohol did. Not that this would be of any consolation to you.


----------



## 342693

So sorry to hear this. I’ve had a spouse divorce me, but that’s pales in comparison to the pain I imagine you are going through. 

Like a divorce, know the emotions will be a roller coaster ride. But hopefully the good days will begin to outnumber the bad more and more 

Try not to blame him. He had a mental illness and wasn’t himself when he chose to commit suicide. And don’t blame yourself. When a person reaches that point, there is nothing a spouse can do. 

Be the best mom you can be for your son. Perhaps seek out counseling, GrieveShare or a pastor at your church that you can talk too. And I found that this website helps tremendously. There are a lot of people on here that have been where you are.


----------



## Jimi007

Unfortunately it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem...They don't see the collateral damage it does
My BIL put a gun in his mouth and shattered his whole family. His kids call me dad even though I am there uncle... I took them to the shore every yr. We fished , I was very involved with them as was my wife. I will never forget the youngest crying in my lap telling she didn't remember what her dad looked like...I gave her photos and went outside and wept...I am very sorry for your situation and your loss
I have seen it and it sucks...With GOD all things are possible..Jimi007


----------



## Mybabysgotit

Bulfrog1987 said:


> It’s been just shy of six months from my husband committing suicide. We have a now 5 yo boy who is doing amazing, hasn’t skipped a beat basically since his dad died. My husband wasn’t really hands on, I’ve been the doer of everything for our son so his dads death didn’t really phase him. He was sad the first night, inconsolable, but realized this was final and there’s nothing we can do to change it.
> 
> He’s a lot like me. Muster the grit and move along. Tonight though, Tonight I’m just downing in I don’t even know what. I can’t believe this is our life. I can’t believe my husband chose suicide over getting help. I can’t believe after everything I put up with, lived through with him, that he did this to us.
> 
> Its worse now than when it happened. I feel worse now and it just keeps coming. Weeks of good days then days of bad. Just bad. He just robbed me and betrayed me on a level I can’t even begin to understand on the tiniest of levels. And our sweet boy, sure now he’s okay, but what about in another five years. I egging hate him tonight.


As Churchill once said, when you're going through hell, you gotta keep going. It gets better as long as you do the right thing and don't have that Karma following you.


----------



## Lotsofheart73

Sorry to hear of your struggles. Husband was not in his right mind when he chose to end it.

I can’t remember if you previously said you were still conseloning or not. To me it sounds like you need an emergency appointment. You need to get your anger out but not wallow in it forever. 

If your son is doing well now, don’t worry about him in the future. Take it day by day, week by week. Yes, at some points in time son will have questions and want to know about his dad, what happened and why, and son will probably go through times when he’s angry about being “cheated” out of having a dad while growing up. You’ll just have to help h through it the best you can. Maybe get him counseling. But if he’s doing well now, let it continue and use this time to work on healing yourself.

Hope that you’re feeling a little bit better today.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Bulfrog1987 said:


> It’s been just shy of six months from my husband committing suicide. We have a now 5 yo boy who is doing amazing, hasn’t skipped a beat basically since his dad died. My husband wasn’t really hands on, I’ve been the doer of everything for our son so his dads death didn’t really phase him. He was sad the first night, inconsolable, but realized this was final and there’s nothing we can do to change it.
> 
> He’s a lot like me. Muster the grit and move along. Tonight though, Tonight I’m just downing in I don’t even know what. I can’t believe this is our life. I can’t believe my husband chose suicide over getting help. I can’t believe after everything I put up with, lived through with him, that he did this to us.
> 
> Its worse now than when it happened. I feel worse now and it just keeps coming. Weeks of good days then days of bad. Just bad. He just robbed me and betrayed me on a level I can’t even begin to understand on the tiniest of levels. And our sweet boy, sure now he’s okay, but what about in another five years. I egging hate him tonight.



I am deeply sorry that you find yourself here dealing with this grief and sorrow as well as anger and confusion….because it is the anger and confusion that seem to resonate in your words and it makes all the sense in the world. Having lost a cousin, a best friend to suicide all in the past couple years I can tell you that is it anger and confusion that seems to be the main theme, anger that they didn’t not reach out, angry that I did not see the signs early on, angry that they some how slipped through the cracks. But here is the thing, we can not help but view this through our eyes and mind only…sure we get depressed, sure we feel the loss of control at times, but your husband, my cousin and my best friend all could not get out of their depression…..the labyrinth of their maze of pain was so deep that they could nto find their way out and so it swallowed them whole.


----------



## Ursula

@Bulfrog1987, I'm so sorry, many virtual hugs are flying your way.


----------



## ArthurGPym

Im sorry you ate going through this. But consider this: sane people generally do not commit suicide. It is quite possible your husband was suffering from an unseen and undiagnosed mental illness. Many go undetected. If on the chance he was not in his right mind when he did the act, then I think he can be forgiven for succumbing to psychological forces that, at the time, he had little control over.

just something to consider.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Allow me to chime in please as I can speak from where you late husband was. 20 or so years ago, I felt worthless, life was not going to get better,etc. I have been on here 7 years and never revealed this. But this post moved this combat hardened jarhead (yes Marines are human). I went through hell and thought about ending it all several times. I felt unworthy to live, life was never going to get better, and all would be better off with me gone. He was not of sound mind. Forgive him.

One sunny spring day in May I was headed down a two lane highway, and I swerved my Mercedes directly in front of a semi on a two lane highway as I was determined to end it all. What stopped me was at the last split second, I did not want the driver of the truck to be hurt. I was not right as was your late husband. Mental illness is real. Trust me on that one. I was ashamed to get help. Took me ten or more years later to get my self straightened out after I busted my wife for cheating on me. In some form, her infidelity was a blessing that forced me to seek help.

My therapist at the VA told me I was a selfish bastard and that suicide was the utlitmate **** you to those you love.
LOng story short therapy got me on an even keel.

Pardon my TJ, but please seek help. Where you are now is not permanent. You have to get your head up, take on step at a time, and never look back, look forward. The best is yet to come. You may not believe it now, but in a few years you will look back and say damn! I am stronger than I realized. 

I am a poster child for therapy, but I can attest to the fact if you get a good therapist, things can and will be better.


----------



## Young at Heart

Bulfrog1987 said:


> It’s been just shy of six months from my husband committing suicide. We have a now 5 yo boy who is doing amazing, hasn’t skipped a beat basically since his dad died. My husband wasn’t really hands on, I’ve been the doer of everything for our son so his dads death didn’t really phase him. He was sad the first night, inconsolable, but realized this was final and there’s nothing we can do to change it.
> 
> He’s a lot like me. Muster the grit and move along. Tonight though, Tonight I’m just downing in I don’t even know what. I can’t believe this is our life. I can’t believe my husband chose suicide over getting help. I can’t believe after everything I put up with, lived through with him, that he did this to us.
> 
> Its worse now than when it happened. I feel worse now and it just keeps coming. Weeks of good days then days of bad. Just bad. He just robbed me and betrayed me on a level I can’t even begin to understand on the tiniest of levels. And our sweet boy, sure now he’s okay, but what about in another five years. I egging hate him tonight.


Find a support group and in the absence of such a group post to vent your emotions on this website. I have seen a co-worker go through emotional hell after her H committed suicide. One of my wife's siblings committed suicide and it took her a year before things were better and a few years before the pain stopped. Her biggest trauma was if she could have done anything to prevent it.

look into a support group and if you can't find one, think about going into therapy.

Don't be so sure you child is OK with the suicide. After you find a support group or therapy, you might want to share how that helped you, if it did.

Good luck.


----------



## Bulfrog1987

Young at Heart said:


> Find a support group and in the absence of such a group post to vent your emotions on this website. I have seen a co-worker go through emotional hell after her H committed suicide. One of my wife's siblings committed suicide and it took her a year before things were better and a few years before the pain stopped. Her biggest trauma was if she could have done anything to prevent it.
> 
> look into a support group and if you can't find one, think about going into therapy.
> 
> Don't be so sure you child is OK with the suicide. After you find a support group or therapy, you might want to share how that helped you, if it did.
> 
> Good luck.


I’m in therapy. My 5 year old is okay right now, because he didn’t know the how dad died. He’s too young to go there, but it won’t be kept from him. 

I actually will have him in therapy session soon Simply to plant the seed of seeking help and talking to a professional is a normal thing.


----------



## Bulfrog1987

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Allow me to chime in please as I can speak from where you late husband was. 20 or so years ago, I felt worthless, life was not going to get better,etc. I have been on here 7 years and never revealed this. But this post moved this combat hardened jarhead (yes Marines are human). I went through hell and thought about ending it all several times. I felt unworthy to live, life was never going to get better, and all would be better off with me gone. He was not of sound mind. Forgive him.
> 
> One sunny spring day in May I was headed down a two lane highway, and I swerved my Mercedes directly in front of a semi on a two lane highway as I was determined to end it all. What stopped me was at the last split second, I did not want the driver of the truck to be hurt. I was not right as was your late husband. Mental illness is real. Trust me on that one. I was ashamed to get help. Took me ten or more years later to get my self straightened out after I busted my wife for cheating on me. In some form, her infidelity was a blessing that forced me to seek help.
> 
> My therapist at the VA told me I was a selfish bastard and that suicide was the utlitmate **** you to those you love.
> LOng story short therapy got me on an even keel.
> 
> Pardon my TJ, but please seek help. Where you are now is not permanent. You have to get your head up, take on step at a time, and never look back, look forward. The best is yet to come. You may not believe it now, but in a few years you will look back and say damn! I am stronger than I realized.
> 
> I am a poster child for therapy, but I can attest to the fact if you get a good therapist, things can and will be better.


Thank you for your personal response. I am in therapy. Some days it just hits me hard, other days I’m determined to not let the guilt rule me. I’m better today.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Thank you for your personal response. I am in therapy. Some days it just hits me hard, other days I’m determined to not let the guilt rule me. I’m better today.


We have a quote here in Kentuckessee, as we refer to those of us who live on the border area from the late great Pat Sumitt…”left foot, right foot, breathe, repeat”…..or I will point you to my favorite line from Winston Churchill…when you’re going through hell…keep on going. You are in a temporary place, this too shall pass. Trust me on that one. Never quit. WInners never quit…quitters never win.


----------

