# When the dust settles...



## Tsunami2013 (Mar 26, 2013)

I've been lurking and learning for several months. I am shocked, sad, and at the same time comforted here. I made some mistakes before finding TAM. Let me rephrase that. I made some mistakes in how to deal with my spouse's EA before I found TAM. 

Let me try to get as much of this out there as possible. Here's my story:

My H and I have been together for over 5 years, married for nearly 3 of those years now. I have 4 children; he has one. Of those 5 kids, only 1 is still at home with us. She has a mild developmental disability and a seizure disorder. I think he's been a prince in taking on the challenge of becoming the only father figure she's known. She calls him Dad, and they often bicker with each other just as I did with my dad. He thinks she hates him half of the time. She thinks he doesn't understand her the rest of the time. Seems pretty typical to me, and I've told him that as well. There have been times, however, when I've wondered if he's regretted taking on this responsibility.

Last year, I discovered that he and my best friend were planning on a surprise birthday for my 50th birthday. I smiled and read the email plotting. Until the emails took a flirtatious turn. I called them both out on it. Honestly, I thought it began innocently enough but was sliding into dangerous territory. 

I also knew my friend had previously planned on cheating on her husband, but she chickened out when I didn't support the idea. I told her that if she felt that way, she should leave her husband. THEN, find someone better for her. Well, she went as far as paying the deposit on an apartment for her and her kids, but then her husband found out about it. He talked her into staying with him and promised to build her a new house if she'd stay. She stayed. I could almost see the dollar signs shining in her eyes.

Still, it was quite some after that before she gave up her online EA/almost PA.

My H began by complimenting her because I had told him how poorly she felt about herself thanks to her husband's low sex drive. TMI for my husband, I realize now. At any rate, she jumped all over that and turned the heat up quickly.

When I busted the two of them, I approached her on the phone with what I knew. I told her it was out of line and to nip it in the bud. She said, "Yes, ma'am." Then, we continued by discussing the details of a retreat several friends had planned.

My husband came home that evening, but before I could discuss it with him, we had to take his 91 year old mother out for her birthday dinner. On the way home, I checked my Facebook and found a message from her. She was angry, cutting me out of her life and blocking me, my H, and my daughter from her profile as well as the profiles of her children and husband. Then, she went to our circle of friends and told them that I was crazy and accusing her falsely of flirting with my husband. 

I knew the truth, but I didn't want to admit to my husband how I'd found them out. So, I told him what she had done and asked if the flirtation was true. He hung his head and nodded. Then, he showed me all of the emails (which I actually already knew about). I did not ask for his passwords. I swept this all under the rug myself, satisfied that he never intended for anything to happen. Still, I could see that this is exactly how some affairs "just happen."

Then, my husband's mother fell ill a couple of months later. We ended up moving in with her, and I was her caregiver in the last weeks of her life. While all of this was going on, my husband was telling me how precious I was and that he'd spend the rest of his life proving that I could trust him.

Yeah, right. Whatever!

Words, right? Just words.

Fast forward a few months, and he reconnects with a lady from his past on Facebook. (I do believe this scenario is familiar here.) I questioned him, and he said she and her husband had been good friends of his many years ago. 

Gut instinct. Spidy senses tingling. I knew something smelled fishy. So, I started snooping. I'm not all that tech savy. He just isn't that hard to figure out when it comes to guessing his passwords. One email led me to another. Then another. I found that he had posted in a pen pal forum. And posted a craiglist ad in the city he was born...many many states away from us. He had been corresponding with several women, though none of their emails ever crossed the line. He told each one that he was married. He just expressed a need to talk o to someone new. To find some excitement.

He arranged for me and my youngest daughter to meet his old friend from the past...to ease my fears. At the same time, he was writing her emails from two separate email accounts. One saying what he really wanted to tell her, and the other one saying the "appropriate" things he knew wouldn't raise any red flags with me.

Eventually, through all my snooping...and he'd say I violated his right to privacy. I'm really happy to hear the response here to that. That has helped me a lot. Marriage does not have room for secrecy. I had struggled a lot with the ethics of doing what I was doing...snooping. I was keeping my own secrets in delving into his emails. 

Anyway, through my snooping, I monitored his email frequently. He was laid off briefly, curtailing his ability to email her any old time during the day. He would wait till I made a quick run to the store and would manage to zip off a message before I could get back home 15 minutes later. What he didn't know was that I was reading his emails AS he was writing them during this time. Literally.

Eventually, he expressed his love and devotion to this woman and expressed a desire to meet up in person without me or my daughter. He expressed a desire to kiss her and to rekindle that old flame. She shot him down, being a "good, Christian woman" now. (What I've been able to piece together is that she and my husband had an affair while she was married to her now deceased husband...some 30 years ago.) I was pretty devastated at the time. Then, I was livid for a while. Finally, numb and hollow.

The day before he wrote this to her, he had tried to send her a text asking her to meet him for dinner while I was spending the night with my daughter during a sleep study test. I was livid, but I did not want to tip my hand. I was in the awkward position of being dependent upon him financially as my health has been poor recently. Multiple surgeries and a recent diagnosis of fibromyalgia to go along with my arthritis of the spine meant I also needed his insurance. 

I love my husband, but at this point, I had to detach emotionally and look ahead to how I'd take care of myself and my daughter. I had a lot of self-loathing at this point as well. I had been independent all my life until about a year after we got married. I felt as though I had a rope around my neck, and no matter what I did, I was going to be hanging in the wind. Leave him with no money...hell, not even a car in my name. Or stay and die emotionally, knowing he was no longer "in" the marriage.

I had one friend with whom I could confide all of this. Otherwise, I was pretty much all alone in this. It was eating me up alive, too. 

Somehow, knowing he'd never been able to have a physical affair helped me muddle through it. One night when he actually began to open up to me emotionally about some stuff pertaining to his mother's death, I asked him about an email I had supposedly gotten which said that he'd tried to get his old flame to see him again...and that he had professed his love to her.

Again, he hung his head. This time, he cried. I was finally able to let loose on him with all the anger I had felt. Still, I was not honest about how I'd come about this information. It made me feel dirty. It still does. Yet, it's felt as though this has been about my survival. I may never tell him how I've always known what he's been up to.

I had been reading a lot on here at the time of the confrontation, so I demanded full disclosure. All his passwords. All his email accounts. Of course that meant I got to read (in front of him) the email on Facebook which had given the OW the secret email address. I demanded to know about it. He had deleted some things I knew about, but I knew to look in the trash for them as well. I pulled up those emails as well.

It's been a few months since the C, and things SEEM better. He talks to me more, and he shows lots of affection. However, our already skimpy sex life (which he blames on having low testosterone) is now non-existent. Wait...that's not exactly true. We have had sex once. I was so closed off, though, that it just felt like going through the motions for me. I wanted him to want me, but now I don't want him. The whole Low-T thing might carry some weight with me if it were new. He's had Low-T since I met him, and we bopped like bunnies back then. Low-T, my a**. Our sex life began to dwindle the moment we moved in together. 

I haven't worn wedding or engagement ring since the night I confronted him, and I began wearing PJs when I had previously slept nude with him for over 4 years. He knew what that all meant, too. 

At one point, he asked me if I could take down some of the barriers. I took off the PJs at that point, but we still seem to sleep on our own sides of the bed pretty much all the time. He sometimes rolls over to hold me in the night, but I just can't do that to him any more. I've been hurt so badly now that I'm not really sure if I'm doing the right thing by staying in the marriage at this point.

I'm applying for a job this week, but it won't start until August. It would give me a sense of independence again which might help me regain some of my sense of self-confidence. 

How do you rebuild those loving feelings once the dust has settled from D-day? I am not a cold person, and I don't like feeling this way in my marriage. I don't hate him, either. I just continue to have this aching hole inside. I am so sad that I feel hollow. So hollow that I can almost hear the wind whistling through me.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I think you have a prototypical betraying husband of sorts. He's bored at home and doesn't want to put in the effort to have a good marriage so he looks elsewhere. Mostly he moves around the edges and hopes for a clear sign to attack.

The bad news is that it's addictive behavior and will never fully stop. If you're planning on staying with him, get used to it and continue to monitor. I strongly suggest a key logger program.

As to feeling low about snooping, you should feel proud. You've exposed him for the person he really is and he know full well his addictions are out in the open. And now he will get better and more stealthier so be ready.

I do feel poorly for you. I hope your health improves and maybe you can dump this loser for someone who will really love you.


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## Tsunami2013 (Mar 26, 2013)

*Sigh*
Thanks for the input, thatbpguy. I guess knew this deep down. Is this what they mean by the cake eaters? He wants me here to keep house and cook for him, but now that I'm something steady, he needs the sexual excitement from outside the marriage. 

I am trying to find out more about his previous 2 marriages. I suspect he is a serial cheater from little things I've heard from his mom before she died and from his sister's attitude towards him. His ex-wife who is the mother of his daughter has been nice to me every time I've seen her. He told me once that she thought he left her for another woman, but he swore she was wrong about that. I think now maybe he was just doing damage control. Lots of things make more sense now, actually. 

My health is steadily improving, so I don't expect to feel so trapped forever. It's just very frustrating at the moment. I'm torn between wanting to R with him and telling him to leave me the heck alone. I can be alone. I spent 15 years alone and raising my kids after their dad turned out to be a serial cheater with a terrible inability to tell the most simple of lies. I booted him to the curb back then in a hurry. I am afraid of what that says about my self-confidence 15 years later that I have even hesitated for a moment to end this relationship. I'm so hurt now that I am not certain I'd ever try again after this. My ability to pick the right sort of fellow is quite obviously broken.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

A few things come to mind with your story, it seems like with a daughter with developmental disabilities and his mother being sick, I would suggest that maybe it was his way of escaping the reality. Not justifying him. Just pointing this out. It seems he was looking for validation, attention, and distraction. Men seem to internalize problems more than women. Instead of admitting his feelings he may have been wanting to numb this pain.

I think this has more to do with unresolved issues more than anything because he did not fall into an affair by getting too close to someone. He seems to be looking for confort.I don't think it's even about having an affair for him as he seems to get close enough but not follow through with it.

I would suggest, if what I'm saying has any merit that you both need IC then MC.
He needs to find ways to deal with problems and emotions instead of becoming distructive with his behavior. You need to somehow deal with the heart break he has caused you. Then as a couple figure out how to move on.

Otherwise you are just putting a bandaid on his issues. 

Get rid of that lousy friend if you haven't. He lost all rights to privacy so don't feel guilty. Call him out in his behavior keep hard evidence.
By the way is he on any meds?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

By the way have you always snooped on him or did your gut lead you?


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## Tsunami2013 (Mar 26, 2013)

I don't know if that is his problem or not. I have actually been in IC, though he thinks it is to deal with PTSD issues I have had because of the rape that led to my daughter's birth. The thing that makes this less likely to be what you suggest is the fact that he didn't seem to be having problems with my daughter when he engaged in the flirtation with my former friend. (Yes, I ended that friendship.) Also, the flirtation was prior to his mother falling ill. However, he does have abandonment issues centered around being adopted. He does take an antidepressant, but claims it doesn't work


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## Tsunami2013 (Mar 26, 2013)

And no, I didn't always snoop. He left an email open with the ex-friend. I glimpsed my name and started reading. I am gradually learning to listen to my inner voice when I get a vibe about something like that now.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Well I think you should check out his marriage history, the reason I asked about him being on medications is because in some cases the antidepressants have caused disruptive/erratic behavior on some people, instead of helping.

If you google SSRI's ruined my marriage you can find some information. But, there is a thin line from the few that it's a real reason than a easy way out of trouble so take it with a grain of salt.You know him better than anyone.
I'm glad you have been to IC as it helps you separate yourself from thinking its your fault he's being a bad boy.

There are some great people on this site that can help you further. I'm sorry you are here for this reason. But, I can see you are strong and smart and heading the right way.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Ok, I'm going to try to be purely practical here. Please excuse if it comes across as being a bit clinical.

There are a whole load of back issues here that will probably need more (professional) help than can be dealt with on a discussion board and as an individual - PTSD, following a rape and resulting preganancy, etc.

However, aside from those (which I think should be dealt with, just probably not here) - here is a cheap little saying that might have some bearing:

"Your spouse is going to have an affair. That's an unavoidable fact. 
Just make sure that it's with you."

So, whilst it's more often noted in men, I think regular TAM readers will accept that it occurs in women too - almost all of us have a built in desire for some sort of sexual variety. There are sound evolutionary reasons for this, even though they don't tie in well with a socio-psychological mindset. Yet here we are.

So, if your spouse is going to seek sexual variety and excitement, assuming you don't actually want them to find it with someone else, it makes sense to try and provide that yourself.

Perhaps - and I accept it might be difficult in your current situation, following what's happened - doing something unexpected - meet him for lunch during work, but instead of having lunch, take him to a pre-booked motel room, have some wild fun there, and hand him a sandwich to take back to work.

Lingerie works for a reason (I could go into a long detailed description, but if you look up 'coolidge effect' you'll find more than you need to know.) Maybe wear something provocative & inviting to bed, to send a clear signal that you're up for some fun - and the chaneg of clothes really does trigger the necessary stimuli in the brain for it to be 'different', so it provides some of the looked for variety.

Playing together in different ways, intimately, also provides more of the 'different' that is sought - so using toys, etc together, and one watching the other, is another option.

Depending on your views, you may consider reading or viewing erotic material togther, and discussing it, acting it out, or even making your own together.

How you get to the point of wanting it again yourself, I don't know. But assuming that eventually you do, and that you want to provide the sexual stimulation that your husband seems to need (or, if it comes to it, a future partner) some of these things might help.

In no way am I excusing him for his behaviour - he made his choices, and they were the wrong ones. But I believe you can help prevent a similar situation from occuring - be the affair partner your spouse desires - you might even find it's fun for you too ...


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Rags said:


> Ok, I'm going to try to be purely practical here. Please excuse if it comes across as being a bit clinical.
> 
> There are a whole load of back issues here that will probably need more (professional) help than can be dealt with on a discussion board and as an individual - PTSD, following a rape and resulting preganancy, etc.
> 
> ...


Sorry but no freaking way I would reward a cheater by spicing it up so he won't cheat again, it's not her fault he cheated if that's what you are implying.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Tsunami2013 said:


> I don't know if that is his problem or not. I have actually been in IC, though he thinks it is to deal with PTSD issues I have had because of the rape that led to my daughter's birth. The thing that makes this less likely to be what you suggest is the fact that he didn't seem to be having problems with my daughter when he engaged in the flirtation with my former friend. (Yes, I ended that friendship.) Also, the flirtation was prior to his mother falling ill. However, he does have abandonment issues centered around being adopted. He does take an antidepressant, but claims it doesn't work


Some antidepressants can cause sexual side effects.. might we worth looking into.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

mablenc said:


> Sorry but no freaking way I would reward a cheater by spicing it up so he won't cheat again, it's not her fault he cheated if that's what you are implying.


Not in the slightest. In fact, if you'd read what I said carefully, you might have spotted where I stated that.

However, the OP said:



> It's been a few months since the C, and things SEEM better. He talks to me more, and he shows lots of affection. However, our already skimpy sex life (which he blames on having low testosterone) is now non-existent. Wait...that's not exactly true. We have had sex once. I was so closed off, though, that it just felt like going through the motions for me. I wanted him to want me, but now I don't want him. The whole Low-T thing might carry some weight with me if it were new. He's had Low-T since I met him, and we bopped like bunnies back then. Low-T, my a**. Our sex life began to dwindle the moment we moved in together.
> .
> .
> At one point, he asked me if I could take down some of the barriers.
> ...


So, as I specifically said, I was trying to offer PRACTICAL suggestions to address these concerns, without addressing the underlying issues (which are too deep for this environment I feel.)

Perhaps I wasn't clear enough - if so, I apologise. I did try to be.


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## Tsunami2013 (Mar 26, 2013)

Lenaufac, I'm afraid you're right. I have to always monitor things, or at least I feel that I need to do that. The key logger sounds like a reasonable thing for me to do. I don't know how much email access he has at work. If he has any at his new job, he's lied to me about it. Which means bad news in that he's just gone underground with no way for me to ever know.

Mablenc, I did as you suggest and started researching his marriage history. Turns out I found more than I ever expected to. I thought I was his 3rd wife. He was married to his daughter's mother for 18 years, and married his second wife in a rebound relationship in which she pretty much wiped him out financially on her way out of the relationship. However, it turns out that he was doing something similar to her during their marriage. He sent inappropriate photos of himself to another woman and didn't seem to think it was that big a deal. He was naked except help a hat in front of his privates. What kind of idiot ever thinks that would be okay? Really?

The real kicker was this, though. He isn't on his 3rd marriage at all. I am his 7th wife!!!!!!! WTF! I can only imagine what he did to screw up those marriages. Hell, how do you end up married 4 times in the span of 10 years? Why bother getting married at all?

Come to think of it, he got really into me during a brief break-up we had about a year into our relationship. I had decided to move on, and I even went on a few dates. The next thing I know he's gotten over his commitment phobia and wants to married. It took him 6 months to convince me to marry him. I think he likes the chase, and he is a cake eater.


Rags, I get what you're saying. However, I've tried those things. I end up feeling stupid most of the time. I have been the one to initiate sex, or we'd not be having any at all. The one time we've had sex since this happened was the first time he had initiated sex with me in over a year. He has always been receptive me. If Low-T was truly the problem, I'm doubtful he could get an erection even if he wanted to do so. THAT is not a problem. But it has been difficult for me to initiate sex when I feel he's really not into me any more. He no longer tries to make sure that I am getting as much pleasure as he is. He'll gladly let me please him. From my perspective, he's been pretty selfish in this department. If I thought he wanted me at all, it would be very different. He didn't want me any more before he started trolling for affair partners. 

Also, as far as researching his marriage history. I had thought I was his third wife. Turns out I am his SEVENTH wife. WTF!!! He also did some similar things with EA and possibly a PA when he was married to his 6th wife. His 5th wife thought he had been having an affair when they split up, though he has denied it to me. Whatever. 

I'm not sure how I'm going to confront him about this. I need to process it and figure out what to say and how to say it. God! I hate this! Hate it. Hate the way he's made me feel. Hate that's he's screwed this all up.


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