# He kept trying to come back...just need some insight



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Divorce was finalized in December. He reached out to me in May for a possible reconciliation. End of June after days of being distant he says it would not be best and that he needed to work on himself. It upset me and I cut the ties. One month later he sends me a long Facebook message saying that he regretted pushing me away and that the month we didn't talk had him re evaluating his life and convinced him to make amends and apologize for the people he's pushed away or treated badly. He wanted me back in his life. Went as far as purchasing a plane ticket from Kentucky back out here to California to talk in person since we haven't seen one another since last September. Several days later he goes distant again then tells me he doesn't want to get back together just yet and that he only wants to start off as friends. Not what he originally told me but I accepted. 

Day after that I wake up to a text saying that he canceled his flight because he got cold feet and was scared and didn't want to upset me. I called him and I ended the conversation saying that I couldn't do this with him anymore since he was messing with my head (he didn't think he was and felt like he had a right to be scared) and cut the ties again but this time I blocked him from everything. 

The curiou part of me wants to know what his problem is. I know none of you are psychologists (well maybe someone is?) but I just need help figuring him out. He couldn't seem to answer me when I asked why he did this to me. What are you guy's thoughts? Why does he say he wants me back then freak out? He left me...I didn't kick him out. Is he afraid to face me? Yes I still love him and unfortunately I fell for his games twice. He screen shotted his itinerary and sent it to me which shows that he actually bought the ticket. I have a feeling he will find a way to get a hold of me even after I told him to never speak to me again. Knowing how stubborn and prideful he is I NEVER expected any of this to happen so who knows. But why won't he just let me go?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is he this indecisive about other things in his life?


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Yes he frequently changes his mind or backs out of things. I figured something this great that involves someone else he would be too prideful like he is when dealing with everyone else.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like \he just does not know what he wants in life so he's afraid to commit.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

You are divorced. Find another man. One who knows who he is and what he's about and what he wants. You deserve better. I'd move on if I were you and don't look back or have any contact.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: He kept trying to come back...just need some insight*



EleGirl said:


> It sounds like \he just does not know what he wants in life so he's afraid to commit.


Is it just as simple as that? Back and forth on the same issue isn't something he's done before. But he does have issues he needs to work on.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

His issues are not your problem. Why are you focusing on him at all? If you want sanity, no contact, and that means in your head. When you start thinking of him, say no contact and start thinking about other stuff. That is, IF you want sanity.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You divorced for a reason...don't forget those reasons. Something drove your marriage to divorce, and his current wishy washy attitude should be a huge red flag that this is not a person you want to be in a relationship with.

There is no reason to be playing this game with him, more than likely it will only lead to hurt for you. Do not be face book friends with him, no not engage in chatty emails or text. Do not meet up for coffee or drinks. 

There are like 3.5billion other men out there, find a better guy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Fvck this sh!t. Why are you letting him hold all the cards here? Block him on FB, block his phone number, and remove him from your life. Dont bother trying to figure him out, because the WHY does not matter. What matters is that YOU move on and find your happy.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

My ex did the same thing. Divorce was his idea. Said he wanted to reconcile then pulled away. Happened several times during our separation and I stopped getting sucked in by it once I decided that I didn't want to continue being hurt. 

It sounds like your ex is lonely, which is why he's reaching out, but you should take his hesitancy to follow through to mean he really did mean it when he asked for a divorce and move on.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: He kept trying to come back...just need some insight*



3Xnocharm said:


> Fvck this sh!t. Why are you letting him hold all the cards here? Block him on FB, block his phone number, and remove him from your life. Dont bother trying to figure him out, because the WHY does not matter. What matters is that YOU move on and find your happy.


I already did block him. I guess my problem is that I always want to find out why people do the things they do. Not just him but I'm like that with everybody.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

SepticChange said:


> I already did block him. *I guess my problem is that I always want to find out why people do the things they do.* Not just him but I'm like that with everybody.


Quit wasting energy trying to find out "why people do the things they do." It's non-productive.

Why did he do it? Because he's wishy-washy, can't commit, and doesn't know what the h*ll he wants.

Wash your hands of him...


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: He kept trying to come back...just need some insight*



firebelly1 said:


> My ex did the same thing. Divorce was his idea. Said he wanted to reconcile then pulled away. Happened several times during our separation and I stopped getting sucked in by it once I decided that I didn't want to continue being hurt.
> 
> It sounds like your ex is lonely, which is why he's reaching out, but you should take his hesitancy to follow through to mean he really did mean it when he asked for a divorce and move on.


Yeah I don't plan on getting back with him. Hopefully it sunk in when I told him to never contact me again. All I have to do is hope that he doesn't show up in my hometown at my family's doorstep :/


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

SepticChange said:


> I already did block him. I guess my problem is that I always want to find out why people do the things they do. Not just him but I'm like that with everybody.


The clinical term for it is "ambivalence".

He obviously has remorse, guilt and feels guilty for hurting you. He cannot reconcile this with what he has done AND the newfound freedom and/or relief from his previous situation.
Thus, he swings back and forth.

My ex did this to me. Kept hinting we could work things out then ran away.

Two things must thappen for this behavior to go away:
1. He must realize or see that the marriage can be save or face the finality of it.
2. He must commit himself to a course and follow it.

In the meantime, you should steer your own course. He may not set sail for a few years.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

"Stop fcking with my feelings. Either you want to get back together or you don't. Do not keep toying with me. It's completely unfair."


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

How can I block emails? He still has my email address and in all honesty if I do see him in my inbox I know curiosity will get the better of me and I'll open it. I don't want to see his name pop up at all.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Whoever your email provider is, simply go into "settings" and find the "block" feature. Plug in his email addy; if he creates a new address, block that one too as soon as you receive an email.

Just keep blocking all of his known email addies.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Whoever your email provider is, simply go into "settings" and find the "block" feature. Plug in his email addy; if he creates a new address, block that one too as soon as you receive an email.
> 
> Just keep blocking all of his known email addies.


Some providers will have a "filter" option, should do the same thing.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

*Re: Re: He kept trying to come back...just need some insight*



Jellybeans said:


> "Stop fcking with my feelings. Either you want to get back together or you don't. Do not keep toying with me. It's completely unfair."


That was one of the last things I said to him.


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