# Thought our marriage was picture-perfect



## Unrequited (Feb 6, 2012)

At the moment, I feel like I want to simultaneously puke, cry, scream, and kill myself.

We were married in 2007. We were in our later 20s. His first marriage, my second. (My first marriage was very brief and ended due to physical violence perpetrated by my loser ex.)

For years we were blissfully happy. Then, the bomb dropped: Midlife crisis at 31. Big time. I no longer wanted a house and a husband and a kid (from first marriage). One late night he discovered me exchanging racy text messages with one of my sad little college kid friends. (I never touched anyone else. It was just text messages. The courts would call it "improper marital conduct.") He demanded a divorce. I woke right up out of my midlife crisis, determined to save my marriage. I saw a therapist. He saw a therapist. Together we saw counselors. He eventually agreed to give our marriage another shot. Then, a week or two later, completely unbeknownst to me, he hired a lawyer and divorced me. One morning, he kissed my cheek and went off to work...then the sheriff came knocking at the door, serving papers. It was the biggest shock of my life. I called him and he was suddenly unreachable. He had managed to make off with my purse, phone, modem, and car keys. I called the cops, and they said they couldn't do anything because technically everything of mine was both of ours since we were married. He moved into a hotel. 

Finally, I was able to reason with him, and he returned home. We saw another counselor. She helped even less than the others. He eventually forgave my texting. I apologized a billion times. I tried my very best to be an excellent, loving, patient wife. 

Things were going just fine and dandy. We bought our first house. We got a dog. Life was good. Then one day he spontaneously decided he didn't love me anymore. He said he wanted a divorce. I begged him to reconsider. Once again he performed Divorce Blitzkrieg and had papers sent to the house. He moved out into a hotel. And once again I got him to reconsider. He forgave me for my aforementioned texts again. I told him since he lied/deceived me in a most triumphant manner by divorcing me TWICE behind my back, that we were now even for the racy texts. He agreed. He was apologetic and seemed remorseful. We moved on. It was a struggle for me to trust him again, but I swallowed my pride for the sake of my marriage.

Over time, we became happier than ever. Even our normal petty arguing stopped. We were, for all intents and purposes, happily, strongly married.

In the meantime, life has been stressful for me. I'm taking some time off of college to figure out what I'm going to do career-wise. I've been looking for work for about a month but have been unsuccessful. Work, meanwhile, has been stressful for him. He makes an excellent salary and is definitely the breadwinner. But he's had to work insane hours, sometimes until 4 a.m. 

On a few of these late work nights, I called his five numbers and mysteriously couldn't get in touch with him. I suspected he was up to no good. He vehemently denied it. 

After several days of no affection, and a month of no sex, I finally confronted him. He claims to have no idea how he feels or why he feels it. I asked a scary question just to get a base reading: "Do you want to be married to me?" He replied that he doesn't know. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. This is literally coming up out of nowhere. I ask him if he's cheating. He says no no no. I don't know whether to believe him. I think I do believe him but I have doubts. People don't just stop loving people for no reason. I haven't changed, so he must have, somewhere. I tried pressing him, asking him things like "Are you not attracted to me? Are you disappointed that I'm not working?" But he says no to all of it. Apparently he has no reason for feeling this way -- it just all fell out of the clear blue sky. /skeptical

I thought it would be a good idea for him to stay the week out of the house. A little separation. Some time for him to figure out what he's feeling and why, and if he wants to be married or not. 

It was a bluff. I didn't expect him to readily agree to it. Watching him pack his things, I am mush inside. I want him so badly to just say "This is ridiculous. Of COURSE I want to be married." But he won't. He's so...emotionally detached. I don't know who he is right now. I can't get through to him. I don't know what to do. I feel like a bird flying around in a cage, hitting her wings on the bars and losing feathers. 

Any and all insight is appreciated. Give it to me straight. I need it. Thanks




In an email, he says:
"Something inside me died and won't start back up. I've woken up each morning, hoping something would turn on. I can't imagine how you are feeling right now. I know all you can do at this point is point blame at yourself and think of all these negative thoughts about yourself that's caused this. But all untrue. 

I've desperately tried everything this week to just feel. And I can't "

...sigh.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I'm so sorry to hear your story ...

~sammy


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## Unrequited (Feb 6, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> I'm so sorry to hear your story ...
> 
> ~sammy


Thanks. Believe me, I don't think anyone is sorrier than I. :'(


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## sadinsalem (Jan 12, 2012)

Well it is a sad story, but in a way I know how your husband feels because I'm struggling with it myself. I have never cheated on my wife, and to most it seems we have a fairy tale marriage with great kids nice house, ect ect. But inside I do feel dead, I don't love my wife, I don't hate her, i just feel nothing. I still do all the silly little romantic things, we still do a lot together, but I have been doing so in order to try to get some sort of feeling back.. but I can't. And now it is to the point where it is just a charade and I'm going through the motions until my son graduates high school. It seems insane that I can have zero feelings (we never argue, not because we are so well matched.. I simply don't care any more) for a woman I've been married to for 20+ years. I know this is my issue, and that it is wrong for me to "not feel" this way, but it just happened.. I know it is not what you probably want to hear, and it does not mean your marriage is over, and I wish I could give you words of comfort. But it happens, and it is NOT you, sometimes the light burns out and it just can't come back on....


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Bluffing doesnt usually work. The real question is does he trust you.


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## Unrequited (Feb 6, 2012)

sadinsalem said:


> But inside I do feel dead, I don't love my wife, I don't hate her, i just feel nothing.


As a master of human emotions, I refuse to believe that people just stop loving someone for no reason. You're bored, you've changed, she's changed, SOMETHING. You're not just hunky dory one day and out of love the next. 



accept said:


> Bluffing doesnt usually work. The real question is does he trust you.


Idfk. He SHOULD trust me. I'm completely transparent. I hide nothing. Additionally, I've nothing to hide. I talk to no other males, period. I don't go out with friends. I do nothing without him. It's been this way for years. 

And when I ask him, he indicates that he does in fact trust me. I committed one stupid transgression years ago. Vilify me if you like, but I'm not some cheating monster.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you are in this position. Many of us are dealing with a spouse that claims they just don't love their spouses anymore. I'm not sure I buy those excuses but a lot of people use them. I think in my case my H became involved with a younger woman, she made him feel young again. He begin to compare her to me, she's a party girl and I'm not. She's 14 years younger than him. She probably thinks he is Mr. Wonderful. I think when a spouse compares someone else to their spouse they believe that they don't love their spouse anymore. New things seem to be more fun than the old reliable. I'm not saying that your husband is cheating, but his actions are strange. Hang in there.


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## Unrequited (Feb 6, 2012)

Lone Star said:


> She probably thinks he is Mr. Wonderful. I think when a spouse compares someone else to their spouse they believe that they don't love their spouse anymore. New things seem to be more fun than the old reliable.


Ugh, he probably tells the younger girl that his wife is horrible, and she believes it and feels sorry for him. I got suckered into a relationship like that when I was too young and stupid to figure things out. He eventually went back to his wife (after I dumped him). That was over ten years ago and to this day I regret it. Dating a married man was an enormous life mistake that I'll never make again.




Lone Star said:


> I'm not saying that your husband is cheating, but his actions are strange. Hang in there.


I'm with you on that one. I have no evidence whatsoever but I have a gut feeling, and when it comes to expecting the worst from people, I have a 99% success rate. It would be easy for him to cheat: He's successful, handsome, works out of town, and has a wife who, out of her own lingering guilt, looks the other way. I've had girlfriends practically throw themselves at him because he's very romantic and doting and swoon-inspiring. It never bothered me; I actually took it as a compliment to have so many ladies desiring my man. But now it's just annoying. If he's cheating on me, I bet it's with someone I don't know. He's too smart and too accomplished of a liar.

I'm at a point where it would be better for him to tell me he's cheating than for what he's doing now -- keeping me constantly in limbo. I would rather have some kind of definitive answer than to be just left hanging. Emotional ambiguity is not something I am equipped to deal with.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It sounds like he was done a long time ago (the first time he filed for divorce) but you kept trying to convince him otherwise. Then he filed again and you would not accept that and now, it looks like a third time is looming.

He may be cheating. But it sounds more to me like this is a man who simply does not want to be married to you anymore. He's tried getting out of the relationship several times and it looks like he may have been iffy on it in the past but he's certain now.

My advice is to just let him go. You will only hurt yourself more trying to make him stay when it's clear he wants out and has wanted out for a long time now. That way you can move on with your life and he can with his.

Sometimes we spend a long time trying to fix something that is broken. In the end, you can't make the wrong thing right now matter how you try.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

It's hard to get the truth out of a cheating spouse in most cases, not all. I have financials records, fb post, pictures and some his slip up statements on my cheating husband but he still refuses to admit anything. Tries to explain all of it away with stupid excuses. I got tired of hearing the lies, stopped contact with him and filed for a divorce. The man that was demanding a divorce has already defaulted on my divorce petition, hasn't hired an attorney and seems to be just living his seperate life. It puzzles me as to why he didn't file first, he had the financials means, it puzzles me why he hasn't hired an attorney and responded to my divorce petition. I guess I shouldn't worry about it, as it is he is still paying all the bills, each time he pays my car note and credit card bills is just less payments I will have to pay when this diaster is finished.


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## Unrequited (Feb 6, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> It sounds like he was done a long time ago (the first time he filed for divorce) but you kept trying to convince him otherwise. Then he filed again and you would not accept that and now, it looksl ike a third time is looming.
> 
> My advice is to just let him go. You will only hurt yourself more trying to make him stay when it's clear he wants out and has wanted out for a long time now. That way you can move on with your life and he can with his.
> 
> Sometimes we spend a long time trying to fix something that is broken. In the end, you can't make the wrong thing right now matter how you try.


Ouch. *crying* I think you've hit the nail on the head. Thank you.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Unrequited- Looking at your story from the outside, it seems to me that the basic problem is that your husband doesn't love you, and may not have loved you for a long time.

Don't get me wrong here- you should have been raked over the coals for the texting incident, and you were. And, in that case, he didn't owe you the courtesy of letting you know he was divorcing you. Although it was pretty chicken**** to agree to go through counseling and pull the surprise divorce. But whatever.

That is, to me, the absolute maximum extent of what you deserved.

Stealing your personal stuff after you were served divorce papers? A second surprise divorce?

These are not the actions of someone who loves you. And the long work hours combined with not being reachable are a red flag that something is going on.

I recommend that you go consult with an attorney and understand your legal options. And then figure out whether or not you want to be married to someone who hates you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Unrequited said:


> Ouch. *crying* I think you've hit the nail on the head. Thank you.


It does suck but honey, the sooner you get out of limbo, the better. 

Limbo only lasts for as long as you allow it.



NotLikeYou said:


> Unrequited- Looking at your story from the outside, it seems to me that the basic problem is that your husband doesn't love you, and may not have loved you for a long time.
> 
> These are not the actions of someone who loves you.


I agree with this. 

The second time he filed for divorce would have been it for me. That is a pretty major thing.

As they say "Let go or be dragged."


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

He stayed to try and hope that he could rekindle some little spark that might be left. Sometimes that's not the best option.

You screwed up, he's been paying the price for a while now. And now you're probably gonna pay the ultimate price for your MLC back then.

Like JB said, let him go and be happy. If you really love him then that's what you'll do because that's what you owe him. And if him being happy is without you there then that's just they way it's gotta be.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> It does suck but honey, the sooner you get out of limbo, the better.
> 
> Limbo only lasts for as long as you allow "


If only I can learn this ! 

~sammy


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## Unrequited (Feb 6, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> It does suck but honey, the sooner you get out of limbo, the better.
> 
> Limbo only lasts for as long as you allow it.
> 
> ...


Dear Jellybeans,

I took your advice to heart and decided to let him go. 

So, he finally was able to communicate how he feels, and we're getting a divorce. But it's okay. We're amicable. He was grateful that he could finally end the marriage and not feel guilty. 

Clearly, we have been unhappy for a long time. We have both agreed that we suffocated our marriage. It's time to move on.

I just wanted to thank you for your excellent, helpful words. I'm really sad at the moment but our marriage is over and I needed someone to wake me up and tell me that.

Best wishes, love, Unrequited


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> If only I can learn this !
> 
> ~sammy


You can. It's all about when do you finally want to put it into practice. You can do it!



Unrequited said:


> Dear Jellybeans,
> 
> I took your advice to heart and decided to let him go.
> 
> ...


Good for you. You are making hte right decision. TO free yourself and to let him go. Your thread title suggests you thought your marriage was picture-perfect but the way you described it was anything but. Sometimes we romanticize a relationship/idealize it, when we don't want to let it go. I am sure you will look back and see that it was probably broken for a very long time. It's like burying something dead and you keep going back to dig it up, bury it again, dig it up, and on and on and on. 

Make sure you get some therapy if you need it to work through what happened, the poor decisions you made, the bad behavior you brought into the marriage, and also the bad behavior(s) he had so you can evaluate what worked and what didn't moving forward.

A divorce is always a sad thing but there is life afterwards. In the future, you could have a much better/healthier/loving relationship.


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