# i cheated... now what?



## suchamess (Oct 13, 2010)

I'll keep this short... I did cheat. The other woman got caught by her spouse, but my wife does not know. I think it is unlikely that my wife will ever find out unless I tell her.

I feel so bad now... this is not like me. Never done anything like this. The whole thing was relatively short-lived.

I kind of feel like I should tell my wife... I go back and forth on that. What should I do?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

suchamess said:


> I'll keep this short... I did cheat. The other woman got caught by her spouse, but my wife does not know. I think it is unlikely that my wife will ever find out unless I tell her.
> 
> I feel so bad now... this is not like me. Never done anything like this. The whole thing was relatively short-lived.
> 
> I kind of feel like I should tell my wife... I go back and forth on that. What should I do?


Never tell. If found out be open and honest.

Bob


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Tell her. Hiding this from her is living a lie, and if she finds out later, not only will she have to deal with the affair, but also the fact that you chose to lie to her for the entire time. 

By not telling her, you are controlling the information which she uses to make decisions, as if she is much less valuable than you are. You would be declaring that your desires take precedence over hers. That your feelings are more important than hers. It declares that you own her, and have the right to decide what she can and cannot think and do.

If you are simply afraid that she will be mad, then you are controlling her moods, so that she responds to you in the ways that YOU want, placing yourself above her. If you are afraid that she might leave you, then your lies to her will simply be a means of keeping her there with you via deception. That would be a marriage based, not upon honesty, but deception. That comes back to bite you.

She is a human being, she has the right to make up her own mind about what she wants, feels and desires. That is not your place. 

I've found that outright confession, coupled with humility and honesty, and a true desire to make things right goes a LOT farther toward reconciliation than manipulation and control.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Take it from me, you want to tell her. The OW's husband spent 18 months looking for me, and when he did find me and let me know what had happened, it was a thousand times worse. I had to hear it all from him instead of my own husband, I was put at risk for STD's without anyone letting me know and the pure hatred and anger I had for my husband was solely because he didn't tell me. If he would have walked up to me after their first encounter and told me what he did, things would have been a billion times easier. But instead he chose to lie, and now I have spent a year trying to be able to trust him with ANYTHING. Those first six months I didn't believe a word out of his mouth. Tell her, show her some respect and think about what you really want. Do you want to work out your marriage? If you do, then have a counselor lined up. 

Best of luck to you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Tanelornpete said:


> I've found that outright confession, coupled with humility and honesty, and a true desire to make things right goes a LOT farther toward reconciliation than manipulation and control.


Very true. I would add that you should also really think through your decision to cheat, what made you decide to act on your temptations? She will most likely want to know 'why?' and 'I don't know' isn't a great answer when it's something as serious as breaking a marital vow. Also, she will likely have very disturbing images of you with another woman & may ask for details...I would caution you to tread carefully, be totally honest, but don't go into graphic details unless she is certain she wants to hear it.


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## luvmykids (Oct 8, 2010)

YOU NEED TO TELL HER! I just found out this year of an affiar my husband had back in 2004 and it broke my heart but even worse I felt like all this time we were living a LIE. I thought I knew my husband but I guess I didn't. I have never cheated or came close because I married him, to be with him forever. You need to tell her and yes she will ask about all and I mean ALL the small details. She will be very upset and she may even leave you. But this is somthing you already knew when you where having FUN with that other person.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

How long have you been married? What is your wife like emotion wise... even keel or cryer or exlosive? Does she have a good support system at work to keep her mind occupied if you do tell her? How long had an issue been going on that led to the cheating and what was the issue/reason?

Many people think its imperative to tell, some believe that you need to gauge the situation and some believe never tell as its selfish to dump your guilt on someone else. I know you wanted to keep your post short, but a little more info would help. Thanks.


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## suchamess (Oct 13, 2010)

toolate said:


> How long have you been married? What is your wife like emotion wise... even keel or cryer or exlosive? Does she have a good support system at work to keep her mind occupied if you do tell her? How long had an issue been going on that led to the cheating and what was the issue/reason?
> 
> Many people think its imperative to tell, some believe that you need to gauge the situation and some believe never tell as its selfish to dump your guilt on someone else. I know you wanted to keep your post short, but a little more info would help. Thanks.


We have been married almost 10 years. I do not believe she will leave me as we have seen this happen to other people and we have talked about how "they" should make it work.... now "they" is "us".

Emotion-wise... she'll probably just cry, possibly explosive just briefly. She is a stay at home mom and I work from home.

I think the "issue" is that I feel controlled by her and found "freedom" with this other person as I was traveling for business. That's been an issue as long as we've been together... just rubs me more now than it used to.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

suchamess said:


> We have been married almost 10 years. I do not believe she will leave me as we have seen this happen to other people and we have talked about how "they" should make it work.... now "they" is "us".
> 
> Emotion-wise... she'll probably just cry, possibly explosive just briefly. She is a stay at home mom and I work from home.
> 
> I think the "issue" is that I feel controlled by her and found "freedom" with this other person as I was traveling for business. That's been an issue as long as we've been together... just rubs me more now than it used to.


No way Suchamess can you predict your wife's response should you tell her. "Philosophical", third party discussions are all well and good. But this is real life, very real life. And she may respond in ways way beyond your imagination.

Look. I had an affair early on in my marriage. I never told and my wife never found out. I never went there again in nearly 40 years as I saw the error of my ways. Forgive yourself, don't do it again, solve the problems at home and move on.

Bob


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Bob,
I have to disagree with you here. All that means is that you took away your wife's power to make a decision about if she wanted to stay in the marriage or not after you cheated. That does not seem like the right thing to do at all.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Bob,
> I have to disagree with you here. All that means is that you took away your wife's power to make a decision about if she wanted to stay in the marriage or not after you cheated. That does not seem like the right thing to do at all.


Hi Brennan,
Things happen in long term marriages. People change, people grow. I caught my wife in an affair after I’d had mine. Two sons 2 and 5, I know what these guys are going through on this board. The whole social circle, about 100 people we were in knew about it. This caused me a great deal of heartache and pain and a great rift in my marriage. But I held the family together and got through it. And I forgave my wife and I never ever it mentioned again. And I always had the thought “nobody’s perfect in this world including me”.

Women aren’t like that Brennan. They are simply not built the same way as men. They hold onto that stuff. I’ve had a few things my wife told me she’ll never ever forgive me for and I think at those times “Yeh. Righto”. None of the “offences” she knew about were as bad as her affair. I never once threw anything back in her face. Not once did I do that because that’s not who I am.

My wife nurtured every real and unreal offence of mine. I’ve just found out the term for this, it’s called “Gunnysacking”. It’s worth looking up if you haven’t come across it before. It’s an “in love” killer and a marriage killer in long term marriages.

Sometimes it really is best to let sleeping dogs lie. If he does wake up, then be open and honest about it.

Bob


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

AFEH said:


> No way Suchamess can you predict your wife's response should you tell her. "Philosophical", third party discussions are all well and good. But this is real life, very real life. And she may respond in ways way beyond your imagination.


I agree that she may respond in ways that are beyond what Suchamess might imagine, because the pain of having the person who is supposed to love you lie to you and betray you is ENORMOUS. Usually to be honest people go a little bit crazy and do something quite uncharacteristic--they used to be called "crimes of passion" in the old days. For example, I'm one of the most easy-going, peaceful people I know and when I found that piece of proof I went to my (then) husband's office and slapped him across the face HARD!  I am not a physically violent person but hearing that news is devastating. 

HOWEVER, that being said, I don't consider this a philosophical discussion or third-party hot air. Here are the facts: 1) You, Suchamess, are a human being and did succumb to the temptation to cheat. Speaking as someone who's been there, I hold no judgment, but covering that "wrong" with another "wrong" of lying does not make a "right." 2) Your wife may or may not have her own personal boundary about staying with someone who is unfaithful. By withholding the facts from her, you are controlling her by effectively forcing her to stay when she is not aware that her boundary has been crossed. 3) You may or may not have exposed yourself and your wife to various medical conditions. Whether it was 1 year ago or 40 years ago, that is irrelevant. She has the right to her own health, and she would not have the knowledge to test for those conditions if she is not informed. Thus, she could have a 40 year old case of syphilis which eventually kills her all because she never knew to test for it--and a simple treatment of penicillin could have cured her had she but known! 4) Avoiding personal responsibility and the subsequent consequences for one's choices is not the healthy or mature way to deal with a situation. TAKING personal responsibility for one's own choices, accepting the good and bad consequences, and learning from the mistake -are- healthy, mature ways to deal with a situation. 5) The whole point of marriage is INTIMACY--transparently allowing one other person to see the true you and love you in spite of yourself. Withholding pertinent knowledge about who you are, what you do, who you are with, and the kind of person you truly are does not build intimacy. You may get away with it for a while, but you will be building on a false foundation, and once that falseness is discovered, all that was built WILL FALL. 6) You were tempted and gave into the temptation for some reason--something in the marriage relationship is "not right" or "broken." And yet, by withholding the truth from your wife, she will probably SUSPECT that something is wrong but never really know what...and you will have kept from her the opportunity to grow as a woman and person, and withheld from her the opportunity to address whatever the issues are and build a happier, more loving marriage with you!

So this isn't "philosophical"--this is real life. You made a choice in real life to be unfaithful. You now realize it wasn't a very wise choice and it's going to hurt those you promised to love. BUT you can fix it when you make a mistake by telling the truth, being genuinely sorry, allowing her to grieve what she's lost (and it's a lot), and working together to build intimacy on a foundation built on TRUTH.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

AFEH said:


> Women aren’t like that Brennan. They are simply not built the same way as men. They hold onto that stuff. I’ve had a few things my wife told me she’ll never ever forgive me for and I think at those times “Yeh. Righto”. None of the “offences” she knew about were as bad as her affair. I never once threw anything back in her face. Not once did I do that because that’s not who I am.


I have to disagree. Your wife may be like that, but not all women are. Just as not all men can forgive and move forward...I've read enough posts on here where men continue to throw it back in their wife's face. 

My husband was in the early stages of an affair and ended it on his own. He was leaning toward not telling me, but I found out on my own the same day. I am very grateful he opened up to me when I confronted him with what I knew. If we didn't work through it together, talk openly about our marriage, I don't think we would be in the healthy spot we are today. Not that this is the ideal way to improve a marriage, but it did happen and ended up to be a wake-up call for both of us to put our marriage at the top of the priority list.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> ... Women aren’t like that Brennan. They are simply not built the same way as men. They hold onto that stuff. I’ve had a few things my wife told me she’ll never ever forgive me for and I think at those times “Yeh. Righto”. None of the “offences” she knew about were as bad as her affair. I never once threw anything back in her face. Not once did I do that because that’s not who I am.
> 
> My wife nurtured every real and unreal offence of mine. I’ve just found out the term for this, it’s called “Gunnysacking”. It’s worth looking up if you haven’t come across it before. It’s an “in love” killer and a marriage killer in long term marriages.
> 
> Sometimes it really is best to let sleeping dogs lie. If he does wake up, then be open and honest about it.


Speaking as a woman and female of the species, I find this fairly offensive, and here's why. In this comment Bob lumps "all women" into a group who hold onto resentment, can not forgive, and keep flinging past mistakes up in "men's" faces. 

Now I am perfectly aware that may have been *his* experience. I am fairly sure that is how HIS wife acted--possibly because when she had an issue or was offended it was not fully resolved between them. But I am just as perfectly aware and sure that not all women are like this. I am just as perfectly aware of men who continue to hold onto past mistakes and throw them up into their wives' faces.

Thus, I just can not disagree with this strongly enough--mainly due to it's falseness. It is my understanding and experience that both men and women can hold onto the past, refuse to forgive, and continue to hold it against one another in an effort to maintain "power over" the one who made the mistake. It is also my understanding and experience that both men and women can make the choice to admit their mistakes, respectfully resolve offenses and hurts, make the conscious choice to forgive, and completely let go of the need to hold onto the claim to punish or exact penalty.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Speaking as a woman and female of the species, I find this fairly offensive, and here's why. In this comment Bob lumps "all women" into a group who hold onto resentment, can not forgive, and keep flinging past mistakes up in "men's" faces.
> 
> Now I am perfectly aware that may have been *his* experience. I am fairly sure that is how HIS wife acted--possibly because when she had an issue or was offended it was not fully resolved between them. But I am just as perfectly aware and sure that not all women are like this. I am just as perfectly aware of men who continue to hold onto past mistakes and throw them up into their wives' faces.
> 
> Thus, I just can not disagree with this strongly enough--mainly due to it's falseness. It is my understanding and experience that both men and women can hold onto the past, refuse to forgive, and continue to hold it against one another in an effort to maintain "power over" the one who made the mistake. It is also my understanding and experience that both men and women can make the choice to admit their mistakes, respectfully resolve offenses and hurts, make the conscious choice to forgive, and completely let go of the need to hold onto the claim to punish or exact penalty.


I’m usually very careful not to generalise and you know that for a fact Affaircare. One slip and hey ho there you go. But you’ve a bee in your bonnet about me, no worries. We are exceptionally different people.

It’s quite well known that Gunnysacking is mainly in the women’s domain. I did a lot of research, basically because it was the single biggest problem in my marriage and caused the eventual breakdown of it.

It’s my personal experience at my age that it is solely in the women’s domain. 100%. And still I try not to generalise, but guess what sometimes I make a mistake. If you want to be offended by that mistake that’s up to you. You’re quite clear on how you handle these things.

Now how about forgiving and forgetting? Or are you never ever going to forgive me?

Bob


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## suchamess (Oct 13, 2010)

I told her everything yesterday. Lots of tears on both sides. Not explosive or violent. Her graciousness is breaking my heart. We are definitely going to stay and work things out. Telling her was definitely the right thing to do for my situation. Thank you all for your help. She will never read this.... but baby, I love you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I am so glad to hear you are working through this with your wife. Please know that the initial shock may pass and she may go through normal stages of anger, sadness so be ready to hug her when she needs it, back off when she needs it. Patience and remorse will go A LONG WAY!

One book I might suggest is 'after the affair'...maybe for you first to understand what she might be thinking or feeling about all of this.

My best to you both!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

What a great idea Swedish! The one thing that really helped hubby and I was learning what "love language" we both spoke. I didn't buy the book, but I did google the terms and we both picked which one we needed the most and which one we showed our love with "shockingly" they didn't match up at all LOL. But now that we both know what the other truly needs it makes things a lot simpler!!


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

AFEH said:


> No way Suchamess can you predict your wife's response should you tell her. "Philosophical", third party discussions are all well and good. But this is real life, very real life. And she may respond in ways way beyond your imagination.
> 
> Look. I had an affair early on in my marriage. I never told and my wife never found out. I never went there again in nearly 40 years as I saw the error of my ways. Forgive yourself, don't do it again, solve the problems at home and move on.
> 
> Bob


Agreed with this 10000000000% I'm glad it's working out for you guys. Best of luck!!


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## bandofgold (Oct 12, 2010)

You did the right thing. The only way to recover from such a deceit, in my opinion, is to be honest. Swedish is right, your wife is likely to go through a number of emotions, after the reality of what you have done has sunk in. Well, this was true in my case. Be patient, be honest and more importantly learn from your mistake and invest back into your marriage. I wish you both the best of luck.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

You did the right thing, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, deal with issues or give advice we are all here whenever you need it. This is a great place with great people who can give you great insight.


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## byrdie (Oct 10, 2010)

I have been cheated on by my husband. I found out on my own, It's killing me. Don't tell her......Tell her..........She will find out some day. And when she does she'll feel like a fool, She'll look at her self and no longer like the way she looks,EVERY time you glance at a woman she'll wonder how she measures up to her.She will start to question her sanity, She will wonder if life is worth living.She will have to search very hard for a reason to get up in the morning.It will be the first thing she thinks about when she wakes up. It will be the last thing she thinks about before she falls asleep.The twinkle in her eyes that you thought could light up any room will be gone.And oh yes....she will cry. You can't take it back, you can't make it go away.Your life will NEVER be the same.I feel so damn sorry for you both ):


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You really need to tell her...but before you do, you need to have your plan in place as to HOW you're going to handle the situation. I would have an appointment made with an individual counselor and a marriage counselor already. The IC is for you, so that you can get to the root issues as to why you cheated, and deal with whatever those reasons were. The marriage counseling would be to help you put the pieces back together. This way, when you do tell her...and I believe you need to tell her...you can tell her that you've taken responsiblity and this is the plan you have in place to heal, and make sure it doesn't happen again. 
I wish you both the best.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

byrdie said:


> I have been cheated on by my husband. I found out on my own, It's killing me. Don't tell her......Tell her..........She will find out some day. And when she does she'll feel like a fool, She'll look at her self and no longer like the way she looks,EVERY time you glance at a woman she'll wonder how she measures up to her.She will start to question her sanity, She will wonder if life is worth living.She will have to search very hard for a reason to get up in the morning.It will be the first thing she thinks about when she wakes up. It will be the last thing she thinks about before she falls asleep.The twinkle in her eyes that you thought could light up any room will be gone.And oh yes....she will cry. You can't take it back, you can't make it go away.Your life will NEVER be the same.I feel so damn sorry for you both ):


It can get better, you can heal and get over it there are those of us out here who have made it. My wife was the one to cheat on me, but we have not only healed, we are better now than we ever were before. And there are others of us here who have the same story. It's not easy, it's not fun, and not everyone makes it, but you can not only 'survive' but thrive and grow and become more and better than you ever were before.


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