# Are you hopeful of any future marriages/relationships?



## SepticChange

Has your divorce made you a cynic?


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## dajam

SepticChange said:


> Has your divorce made you a cynic?


Divorce did not, EX did... However I would really like to meet a good person and get married again. I really enjoyed it for the most part.


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## ne9907

SepticChange said:


> Has your divorce made you a cynic?


yes


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## RandomDude

septicchange said:


> are you hopeful of any future marriages/relationships?


fk no


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## Pluto2

Am I a cynic? I don't think so. But I also don't foresee any future marriages or serious relationships, so maybe.


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## daddymikey1975

I'm not a cynic. I am not going to get married again. Open to the idea of a LTR in the future if it's in the cards. For me, for now, I'm enjoying all the time with my kids and don't really care for the distraction of a relationship right now. 

Companionship, yes. Sex, yes. But not a relationship (at this point)


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## Fenix

Yes, I am hopeful. No, I am not a cynic.


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## firebelly1

Yes - my divorce has made me a cynic, and I don't like it. I'm hoping I won't be a cynic forever and it's just part of the healing process.


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## movealong

I am not worrying about it.


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## Healer

movealong said:


> I am not worrying about it.


Same, mostly. I think about it now and again. But generally not too much. I have my kids, so the pressure to find someone to procreate with isn't there - that helps. I have female companions and a fruitful sex life, so that's good.

Eventually will I want more? Maybe. Probably. But yes, I'm somewhat cynical - especially regarding marriage. Don't know if I believe in it any more. I don't think so.

My cousin is divorced, and has no kids - but wants a family. So he's torn. Don't envy that.


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## Married but Happy

I'm not really cynical about marriage - skeptical is probably closer, at least for traditional marriage scenarios. I don't see much need for marriage other than some practical rights and benefits. But I did marry again - mostly because of those practical aspects, and also because I found someone worthy of being a wife (I would not have otherwise).


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## bravenewworld

Actually wasn't a cynic, until I started dating and discovered how many people are liars or have some type of personality disorder. 

Thank God I haven't been suckered into anything long term or serious!
Seriously, a good person is hard to find. But I know that's what I deserve and am refusing to settle! 

If I never find them, I'll be happy with my family/friends and hobbies! And I'll get a referral for a male escort agency. Bow chica waaaah-waaaah.


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## nickgtg

I got divorced last December, and my oldest daughter is always telling me to go out and have fun. I've mostly concentrated on myself and of course my kids.

I went to my 30-yr high school reunion this past weekend and I met up with a former class mate who still looks like she graduated yesterday. I mean an absolutely stunning woman.

I was so out of practice having been married for 16 years, so I'm assuming she got tired of waiting for me to come talk to her. She came over to me and started up a conversation and then from there it was no problem. We ended up leaving the reunion, going out for drinks until closing time, and then went for breakfast. Sadly she lives in California, so dating isn't an option.

I guess my point is this, I have been hesitant to get out there, as I just didn't want to go through meeting and dating again. How wrong I was. It was so nice to not only be in the company of a beautiful woman, but she was just so much fun to be around.

She just has the best personality and I could tell she just enjoys life. It made me feel good knowing there are great women out there who won't lie and cheat.

I haven't felt this good in 2 years.


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## Brokenman85

I am absolutely cynical about marriage now. It just seems nigh impossible to find someone you can truly trust. All I have ever wanted was a great family...to have a wife and kids. Now, I think it is an actual possibility that will never happen. My life has been turned on its head.


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## whitehawk

Def' hopeful about a new relationship but l'm not sure about marriage. Won't be rushing into it that's for sure .
l am hopeful of one angle though , surely if 2 people decided to get hitched for a second time , one advantage might be they'll both work their ass's of if they have to , to make sure it survives this time round.
But eh , according to second marriage stats that's a load of bs isn't it


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## Mrlonelyhearts

I am definitely cynical. I am also lonely. I am also fearful of dating again. So, I am angry, lonely, fearful, and stuck.


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## Jellybeans

SepticChange said:


> Has your divorce made you a cynic?


Cynical, no. Realistic, yes. 

I am hopeful, yes. But marriage isn't an end goal for me. It's just not something that appeals to me anymore or something that I feel like I need to do again.

Divorce has absolutely changed the way I feel about marriage.


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## EnjoliWoman

I'm not cynical about marriage. But the longer I'm single, I am cynical about people.

More and more I can pinpoint red flag behavior. Which is great that I can avoid another bad relationship but bad in that it REALLY narrows the field. Plus my work ethic, lifestyle, interests and standards are all over the map and it's difficult to find someone that conforms out of the box. LOL

I'm not cynical about men any more than I am about women. I know women who make me bite my tongue because they are all of the typical things men complain about and I know lots of men who are the same way. But I also feel if they aren't irreparably damaged, that everyone is capable of personal growth. 

So I'm not looking for perfection - I just want to find the guy who is the right fit that is willing to grow. That is, I don't want to change anyone - I'm willing to accept a man for who he is but part of who he is has to be someone who is open to personal growth because I think we both need to have that since marriage involves a lot of learning, compromising and communication. But I think it's perfectly attainable and I think I will find it when the time is right.


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## happy as a clam

SepticChange said:


> Has your divorce made you a cynic?


My divorce has made me a cynic as far as MARRIAGE is concerned. But not a cynic to relationships. I am in a very happy, long-term relationship. Couldn't be more hopeful for a very happy future


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## EnjoliWoman

Mrlonelyhearts said:


> I am definitely cynical. I am also lonely. I am also fearful of dating again. So, I am angry, lonely, fearful, and stuck.


Then you really shouldn't date. Sounds like you still have a lot of work to do from a personal growth standpoint. You'll be ready when you aren't lonely being by yourself, you are no longer angry about what you can't change, you aren't afraid of being vulnerable and you don't feel stuck. 

Why do you feel stuck? Stuck emotionally? Are you angry that you are stuck? I wonder if you are angry at yourself for being stuck in this 'place' of being afraid and lonely. And maybe angry at your ex for being in that 'place'.


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## EnjoliWoman

happy as a clam said:


> My divorce has made me a cynic as far as MARRIAGE is concerned. But not a cynic to relationships. I am in a very happy, long-term relationship. Couldn't be more hopeful for a very happy future


Do you think a piece of paper would change that? I don't understand being OK with a LTR but not marriage. I think I have realized tho, that a lot of men feel that way and I may have to change my expectations from marriage to a LTR. However, I'd be perfectly happy signing a pre-nup or anything that would make the man feel better about his 'exposure' if he'd been burned. 

I have heard lots of people who prefer LTR over marriage and I really don't understand the difference. Personally I prefer marriage because in my opinion it signifies a level of commitment - that is, we are committed to making this work no matter what because marriage makes 'walking' so much more difficult. But if someone is in a LTR and sees it only getting better, why not legalize? Why not add the other layer of commitment?


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## firebelly1

I've wondered the same thing Enjoli. If people are worried about losing their financial shirts again, there are ways you can protect yourself. 

One other thing that does give me pause is the social embarrassment. People spent a lot of money, time, and effort to come to my wedding. Getting divorced kind of makes me feel guilty about that.  May be a small thing, but...

If I were to get married again I would definitely have a VERY small wedding. Perhaps just a justice of the peace thing.


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## Arendt

LTR'd also do not have to have any public commitment. I think the rituals of commitment are important. The legal stuff is just a side show...needed for medicl emergencies and such. But the ritual of commitment in front of family and friends does matter, at least iin my mind.

As to the question: I am not a cynic. Well, no more than I was before all this divorce stuff. I dont know why exactly. I am the one who got the ball rolling in the breakdown of marriage by ignoring her and being focused on work too much. So if I have anything to be careful about it is myself. 

On the other hand, I worked that stuff out and we could have healed the marriage if she had not checked out long ago. But again, I don't blame her. Something happened to her that snapped or something. Lots of past issues caught up with her too...childhood abuse supressed, family issues on how to deal with pain (all the women in my exes family are divorced and stayed single). But that is the way it is. I know I would not want to hurt like this again. This sucked a$$ in terms of emotional and mentla turmoil. But I am the one I have to be careful about primarily.


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## Runs like Dog

I have something better than inner peace; the death of hope.


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## Scannerguard

Well, I may be an interesting contrast to the normal flow of threads of people in a purgatory between divorce and a LTR/marriage.

I have met someone I really click with on an emotional level and sexual level. I genuinely ENJOY her company and she amazes me how much I can chide her and she just laughs, never takes it personally because she knows she shouldn't. I could go on and on about her - GREAT cook (likes it) and even when she's gets her PMS she let's ME know and I don't take anythign personally.

The problem I find with re-marriage (and yes, I am thinking of at least getting a promise ring for her) is EVERYTHING has to be almost perfect to have another spin at it, esp. with kids in mix. If you think about it. . .the first time, you have time on your side, you're both usually poor. . .penis and vagina work? Okay, good. . .you're both qualified after a blood test and you say you love each other.

In this case:

A. She's coming off of bankruptcy.
B. She thinks if she moves in my place, she should get a 20K new kitchen (my kitchen is definitely a run-down grandma kitchen). (I don't have 20K).
C. Her youngest kid has ADHD. (CLASSIC SYMPTOMS)
D. Our kids don't always get along. (I very much value domestic tranquility, where I can type out a post on a random internet forum without screaming - she likes chaos and gets bored with quiet).

So I admit. . .I keep ending up with a "F. that" when it comes to remarriage.

I WANT to be able to do it. I really do. But I just can't.

More selfish maybe? (or maybe I always was?) Not sure.

So, I'm an optimist on the whole thing and maybe that's NOT good, lol.


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## Scannerguard

On living together (commitment) vs. marriage.

I am starting to conclude I DON'T want to do the living together thing. . .we either go all the way and she moves in after we tie the knot or we live parallel lives.

I don't think I want to be in that "purgatory" (Okay, I used up my allotment for that $5.00 word) of "not married but playing house."

That's ME saying that. . .I think she's more liberal and open to the idea than I am.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

EnjoliWoman said:


> Then you really shouldn't date. Sounds like you still have a lot of work to do from a personal growth standpoint. You'll be ready when you aren't lonely being by yourself, you are no longer angry about what you can't change, you aren't afraid of being vulnerable and you don't feel stuck.
> 
> Why do you feel stuck? Stuck emotionally? Are you angry that you are stuck? I wonder if you are angry at yourself for being stuck in this 'place' of being afraid and lonely. And maybe angry at your ex for being in that 'place'.


Thanks for the questions, they are helpful. I feel stuck for multiple reasons. I am stuck financially. I want to do so much more for my kids than I am able to do now. I need to somehow pay off the orthodontist, pay some debt from car repairs, the loan on the car, etc. Things that I thought would work out have not. I started working a second job to improve things, but now I am not as active socially at church. Missing support from others. It was a trade off.

I am afraid to date. I know I am not ready. I would like more friends and for my kids to have more social connections.

Angry at myself for not growing more than I am. Definitely angry at the ex. I think I am too hard on myself. Need to take more time.


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## poppyseed

Scannerguard said:


> (I very much value domestic tranquility, where I can type out a post on a random internet forum without screaming - she likes chaos and gets bored with quiet).
> 
> So I admit. . .I keep ending up with a "F. that" when it comes to remarriage.
> 
> I WANT to be able to do it. I really do. But I just can't.
> 
> More selfish maybe? (or maybe I always was?) Not sure.
> 
> So, I'm an optimist on the whole thing and maybe that's NOT good, lol.


I don't think it's selfishness - it's a personal choice. Some people marry three, four, five or more times whenever they fell in love without learning lessons. You obviously did learn from the previous marriage and what's important to you.


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## Jellybeans

Scannerguard said:


> I WANT to be able to do it. I really do. But I just can't.
> 
> More selfish maybe? (or maybe I always was?) Not sure.


It's not selfish. It's self-aware. 

If you know you're not that into it, why on earth would you do it? 

Ain't nothing wrong with NOT getting married.


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## Married but Happy

SepticChange said:


> Has your divorce made you a cynic?


No, divorce is a beautiful thing. It gave me hope for a happier future.


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## devotion

To give another point of view, my ex (and first girlfriend) told me she wanted a divorce in August 2012 (after 14 years), I fought against it for a couple of months but then agreed to it in October, paperwork was filed in November and it was completed by April 2013. I was dating again a few months after that but the with what would be my only second girlfriend (ever) I've now been with for seven months and think I might marry HER. 

My friends think I'm an idiot (and I probably am) -- especially the ones that have been married a long time and wish they had the freedom of being single. I'd like to think I'm lucky to have found two girls basically in a row that fit me just right. We shall see. 

Just a counterpoint for those who feel that divorce must mean cynic. For me its kind of the opposite; I feel like my marriage fell apart because I didn't work at, so I almost want to prove to myself that I can do it right again this time. A little weird if I do say so myself.


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## nice777guy

Did not make me a cynic - no.

But I do feel like it complicated my life to a point where any serious relationship is going to be difficult.

I still see my Ex frequently (in part due to the kids' schedules), I have my kids more than half the time, and I have a demanding job. I'm also paying (temporarily) child support and some alimony. I have some left over credit card debt - but I've made a lot of progress towards paying it down.

Just feels like I have a lot of baggage - and not exactly much time to spend really getting to know someone.


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## Scannerguard

> If you know you're not that into it, why on earth would you do it?


Because she wants to and I love her and so you do things to make the other one happy when you love them, right?

She's a different bird. You how know you are all meditating and pontificating on marriage vs. remarriage? Not her. When she was separated, she was thinking about re-marriage. She was never cynical on marriage. . .just cynical on him. Even her father asked, "So, when are you getting married?" He remarried right away post-divorce. Italian like me (I'm half).

Whatsa matta all you? You question the Institution?

It's just her thing. I challenged her immediately on it. . .I told her you should get time to explore yourself, explore being single, and she has always fought me on that, saying why would she want to do that?

I know men like that too. Facebook let's us see our high school friends. this guy I know always had one girlfriend after another, couldn't be alone. . .he just got divorced, and then remarried and now has a FREAKIN" KID at 45 years old with a young woman maybe in her low 30's.

A FREEKIN' baby.

Some people need to be married to feel complete and whole.

I could be married. . .I am just not sure about living together. I ask her if I could have a camper for me and a dog in the backyard and the idea doesn't go very far.


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## Jellybeans

Scannerguard said:


> She's a different bird. You how know you are all meditating and pontificating on marriage vs. remarriage? Not her. When she was separated, she was thinking about re-marriage. She was never cynical on marriage. . .just cynical on him. Even her father asked, "So, when are you getting married?" He remarried right away post-divorce. Italian like me (I'm half).
> 
> I told her you should get time to explore yourself, explore being single, and she has always fought me on that, saying why would she want to do that?
> 
> I know men like that too. Facebook let's us see our high school friends. this guy I know always had one girlfriend after another, couldn't be alone. . .he just got divorced, and then remarried and now has a FREAKIN" KID at 45 years old with a young woman maybe in her low 30's.
> 
> Some people need to be married to feel complete and whole.


Some people cannot stand being alone. They jump from relationship to relationship, marriage to marriage, never stopping in between.

I know people like that, too.

Glad I was never one of them.

That is very co-dependent.


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## Scannerguard

What's the difference between co-dependent and interdependent?

I mean, isn't that what marriage is all about?

Interdependent on each other for finances, household chores, child-rearing, illness, sex, etc?

BTW. .. I think it was you who asked why would you do that?

Finances is a big one.

No one seems to want to room with me as a 45 year old male who parents 3 boys part-time.


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## Jellybeans

Scannerguard said:


> BTW. .. I think it was you who asked why would you do that?


That was based on the fact that you said this:

_I WANT to be able to do it. I really do. But I just can't._

And I'm of the opinion that if you aren't 100% sold on wanting to "do it", then you shouldn't get married just cause someone else wants to. You should want to do it.


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## EnjoliWoman

Scannerguard said:


> What's the difference between co-dependent and interdependent?
> 
> I mean, isn't that what marriage is all about?
> 
> Interdependent on each other for finances, household chores, child-rearing, illness, sex, etc?
> 
> BTW. .. I think it was you who asked why would you do that?
> 
> Finances is a big one.
> 
> No one seems to want to room with me as a 45 year old male who parents 3 boys part-time.


Co dependent means you sacrifice self - your core beliefs, your intuition, your sense of right and wrong - just to be agreeable with the person. Being co-dependent means you are so eager to please that you will change who you are for them. Not just a bad habit or two - who you ARE inside.

Interdependent isn't much better. Yes, once you are married you do depend on each other for all of those things but a person should be able to stand on their own. Some people are afraid to try for fear of failure and that's not healthy either because a person will stay (like an abused person) because they are OVERLY dependent or at least think they are because they have no self confidence.

What you describe to me is more cooperative living, which is healthy, normal and makes life a little easier while you enjoy each other's company. Only having one house, one yard, etc to maintain with two people yet two incomes makes life SO much easier and more pleasant and has the bonus of having extra time to spend with the person you love.

ETA - they are out there. I briefly dated a guy with triplet sons he had 50% of the time. I had no issues with it - they were good boys tho ALL BOY. Which is a nice change for me.  I didn't have my daughter til I was 30 and seems most of the men I meet have kids in college, not at home. I had hoped I'd meet someone with kids still at home that I could develop a close relationship with. Less likely to happen now at 46.


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## Wolf1974

EnjoliWoman said:


> Do you think a piece of paper would change that? I don't understand being OK with a LTR but not marriage. I think I have realized tho, that a lot of men feel that way and I may have to change my expectations from marriage to a LTR. However, I'd be perfectly happy signing a pre-nup or anything that would make the man feel better about his 'exposure' if he'd been burned.
> 
> I have heard lots of people who prefer LTR over marriage and I really don't understand the difference. Personally I prefer marriage because in my opinion it signifies a level of commitment - that is, we are committed to making this work no matter what because marriage makes 'walking' so much more difficult.  But if someone is in a LTR and sees it only getting better, why not legalize? Why not add the other layer of commitment?


Can't speak for all men but I am one of those ok with LTR but probably not marriage. The only reason I can point at is that my x wife and I were together years before marriage and we got along great. Moment we got married I became a Second class citizen and never got any better. 

I mean as an example we would spend every moment loved being with each other. Married at 29 and for my 30th birthday she choose a work function over me....I sat alone and drank a six pack on my B day. I firmly believe had we not been married that would have never happened. She was never like that before and I felt like I was something in her life that needed a check mark... Married, ok check, now let's get a dog and a house, check, now kids and so on.

As we got a dog, house, two kids, and her a promotion I moved from first place, while dating, to 6th place at best when married a few years. The fall was drastic and noticeable 

So objectively I know not all women do this but it's something I hear often and it has a stereotype about it....

I have an LTR and live with my GF. Everything is great and we are happy. Getting married would somehow have to enhance my life in some way and I don't see how it would, the only thing I see is the chance I would be taking that she wouldn't change......and this is an optional risk so why would I ever take that?

Again just my personal view of how I see it


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## poppyseed

I like to enjoy being single - stress-free for a while.

I feel less tired with far less demands in my life. I feel I'm able to enjoy living and I look more attractive without the bondage of marriage. My self-esteem is going much higher and people appreciate me more. I'm pickier when it comes to who to go out with - funny that. I used to be so desperate for my spouse's (now ex) attention when I was married. I guess that wasn't an attractive state of being. Can't believe I wasted so many years living in such a meaningless state! 

I do miss LTR - closeness, cuddles and companionship. But I do like my own space now where I can do whatever "I" need to do whenever "I" need to do instead of constantly trying to cater his needs and wants which wore me out completely.


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## poppyseed

Wolf1974 said:


> I have an LTR and live with my GF. Everything is great and we are happy. Getting married would somehow have to enhance my life in some way and I don't see how it would, the only thing I see is the chance I would be taking that she wouldn't change......and this is an optional risk so why would I ever take that?
> 
> Again just my personal view of how I see it


Nothing in life stays the same, things keep changing and evolve as things in life do (not necessarily negatively, both positive and negative) as anything in life - nothing stays the same but more so after you get married. Try it and see if I was right.


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## Wolf1974

poppyseed said:


> Nothing in life stays the same, things keep changing and evolve as things in life do (not necessarily negatively, both positive and negative) as anything in life - nothing stays the same but more so after you get married. Try it and see if I was right.


I disagree. Plenty in life stays the same. The important things that really matter should always stay the same. Love and commitment being one of them. While I'm the type of person who can be unwavering in my vows and commitment I now recognize that it's a minority who are like me...not the majority. It's the taking the chance on the other person saying They are like you but really are really lying or have the inability to follow through that is at the heart of the matter


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## Holland

No I'm not cynical. bitter, jaded etc. I love life, I accept my part in the marriage ending and have moved on in a very healthy and positive way.

Yes I will marry again, I have been with my Superman for a few years now and we plan to marry when his and my oldest are finished Secondary school. I am however a realist with very strong boundaries so if we don't make it that far then so be it and I would not marry again unless it was absolutely the right person. So far I think he is


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## Dollystanford

I'm not cynical or mistrusting in general. 

However I am cynical about that big fat waste of space and don't trust a word he says :smthumbup:


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## EnjoliWoman

Wolf1974 said:


> Can't speak for all men but I am one of those ok with LTR but probably not marriage. The only reason I can point at is that my x wife and I were together years before marriage and we got along great. Moment we got married I became a Second class citizen and never got any better.
> 
> I mean as an example we would spend every moment loved being with each other. Married at 29 and for my 30th birthday she choose a work function over me....I sat alone and drank a six pack on my B day. I firmly believe had we not been married that would have never happened. She was never like that before and I felt like I was something in her life that needed a check mark... Married, ok check, now let's get a dog and a house, check, now kids and so on.
> 
> As we got a dog, house, two kids, and her a promotion I moved from first place, while dating, to 6th place at best when married a few years. The fall was drastic and noticeable
> 
> So objectively I know not all women do this but it's something I hear often and it has a stereotype about it....
> 
> I have an LTR and live with my GF. Everything is great and we are happy. Getting married would somehow have to enhance my life in some way and I don't see how it would, the only thing I see is the chance I would be taking that she wouldn't change......and this is an optional risk so why would I ever take that?
> 
> Again just my personal view of how I see it


That's a shame. Women like her ruin it for others. I don't think most women do the bait and switch like that. Heck, I went out of my way to make meals he liked, keep his favorite beer on hand and celebrate special occasions... his hobby was drumming and for a milestone birthday I made a cake topped with a complete double bass drum set using assorted sizes of marshmallows and white chocolate cymbals. 

I sort of got married as a check mark but I fully committed to it until I couldn't take the abuse anymore or the example I was setting for my, at the time, toddler.


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## Wolf1974

EnjoliWoman said:


> That's a shame. Women like her ruin it for others. I don't think most women do the bait and switch like that. Heck, I went out of my way to make meals he liked, keep his favorite beer on hand and celebrate special occasions... his hobby was drumming and for a milestone birthday I made a cake topped with a complete double bass drum set using assorted sizes of marshmallows and white chocolate cymbals.
> 
> I sort of got married as a check mark but I fully committed to it until I couldn't take the abuse anymore or the example I was setting for my, at the time, toddler.


You're right I don't think most women do it. And I take responsibility cause I fell for the act. Ironically I was never a guy who wanted to date multiple women or get as high a sexual count as I could. I would have been very happy with being with my x wife and being married 50+ years. Just wasn't in the cards for me....so now I'm a guy who only wants to date. Funny how life turns out sometimes I guess


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## Rowan

Wolf1974 said:


> Can't speak for all men but I am one of those ok with LTR but probably not marriage. The only reason I can point at is that my x wife and I were together years before marriage and we got along great. Moment we got married I became a Second class citizen and never got any better.
> 
> I mean as an example we would spend every moment loved being with each other. Married at 29 and for my 30th birthday she choose a work function over me....I sat alone and drank a six pack on my B day. I firmly believe had we not been married that would have never happened. She was never like that before and I felt like I was something in her life that needed a check mark... Married, ok check, now let's get a dog and a house, check, now kids and so on.
> 
> As we got a dog, house, two kids, and her a promotion I moved from first place, while dating, to 6th place at best when married a few years. The fall was drastic and noticeable
> 
> So objectively I know not all women do this but it's something I hear often and it has a stereotype about it....
> 
> I have an LTR and live with my GF. Everything is great and we are happy. Getting married would somehow have to enhance my life in some way and I don't see how it would, the only thing I see is the chance I would be taking that she wouldn't change......and this is an optional risk so why would I ever take that?
> 
> Again just my personal view of how I see it


My ex-husband pulled this same thing on me. He was really great and really into me for 5+ years before our marriage, but as soon as we got home from the honeymoon, it was like a switch had been flipped. He was no longer interested in interacting with me on any level except to see that his very strong sexual needs were met. And nothing I tried seemed to make any difference in his level of abject disinterest in me as a human being. I simply stopped being a priority, stopped being someone he paid attention to. 

Now, knowing that it's extremely likely that he is ADHD, I can see that for what it was. Hyper-focus of that type, particularly in relationships, is one of the hallmarks of adult ADHD. He was very focused, very devoted, to me and to our relationship. Until, that is, the "goal" was reached. Marriage was his goal. After that box was checked, his attention moved on to other things. I was just supposed to function properly in the role he'd selected me for without further input from him. 

This experience is one of the reasons I'm so gun-shy. Not of men, or relationships, or commitment, or even marriage. But of any whiff of hyper-focus or un-addressed ADHD in potential partners.


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## Wolf1974

Rowan said:


> My ex-husband pulled this same thing on me. He was really great and really into me for 5+ years before our marriage, but as soon as we got home from the honeymoon, it was like a switch had been flipped. He was no longer interested in interacting with me on any level except to see that his very strong sexual needs were met. And nothing I tried seemed to make any difference in his level of abject disinterest in me as a human being. I simply stopped being a priority, stopped being someone he paid attention to.
> 
> Now, knowing that it's extremely likely that he is ADHD, I can see that for what it was. Hyper-focus of that type, particularly in relationships, is one of the hallmarks of adult ADHD. He was very focused, very devoted, to me and to our relationship. Until, that is, the "goal" was reached. Marriage was his goal. After that box was checked, his attention moved on to other things. I was just supposed to function properly in the role he'd selected me for without further input from him.
> 
> This experience is one of the reasons I'm so gun-shy. Not of men, or relationships, or commitment, or even marriage. But of any whiff of hyper-focus or un-addressed ADHD in potential partners.


Maybe we can find a way to get all these bait and switchers together and leave us strong in commitment and work on relationship types alone


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## Stretch

I was always impressed at how DeeJo was able to explain how he kept his relationships in perspective and positive.

Stretch


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## poppyseed

Rowan said:


> My ex-husband pulled this same thing on me. He was really great and really into me for 5+ years before our marriage, but as soon as we got home from the honeymoon, it was like a switch had been flipped.



People try to find the reasons why the switch was flipped exploring that it might be ADHD, personality or Asperger's etc.

It's to me, it is just a progression. When you are "in love" stage, you would completely believe / think that "in love" stage will continue indefinitely. You are totally literally blinded by it. But you will start to notice when something has changed as years go by. Mother used to say, "love doesn't last forever, dear". Certain love does, like caring and compromising etc..but romantic love never lasts forever. It's not meant to be.


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## nickgtg

poppyseed said:


> .but romantic love never lasts forever. It's not meant to be.


BS.


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## Tomara

Cynic..... Yes but hopeful. Maybe it's not so much cynic but guarded. I know marriage is a fallacy for me. I hope to one day find someone to share my life with, I just don't want to marry again.


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## KittyKat

SepticChange said:


> Has your divorce made you a cynic?


I'm a cynic because of my ex, my ex ex, my ex ex ex, my ex ex ex ex, and my according to the law ex.

Sometimes I'm not the easiest to get along with. But I'm really hard to get along with when you cheat. I don't care if you cheat mentally or physically or online. A cheater is a cheater.


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## Jellybeans

Tomara said:


> I hope to one day find someone to share my life with, I just don't want to marry again.


This is how I feel, too.


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## Hardtohandle

SepticChange said:


> Has your divorce made you a cynic?


No..

The rose colored glasses are off. I will never be co-dependant on anyone again. 

My love for any women in my future is very, very different then I had for my ex wife..

My love is more of an understanding and a partnership. If my partner fails me then we are done. But I will try my best to work things out with my future partner. I will not give up on them because it is the easy thing to do. 

I will walk away from any future relationship or marriage knowing I TRIED MY BEST.. I DIDN'T GIVE UP.. 

Only when I know that, will I walk away knowing I just couldn't do anything more to fix this. I never, ever want to be accused of being told I gave up or didn't try.. Again that is a personal thing with me. 

I think people from our experiences tend to look to cut others lose much quicker at any sign of danger or perceived danger. Its a defense mechanism from being emotionally beat up by our previous spouses. 

Unfortunately we are behind the 8 ball on this and need to understand we have some issues that we need to deal with and overcome to bring us back to some sense of reality.. Basically we need to ignore the boogyman in the corner accept it isn't reality. Otherwise we will self destruct every good relationship we have.


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## Scannerguard

Well, here's how I feel about my main squeeze:

Why weren't you around 20 years ago?

I guess that's a good sign. I admit I can't work out all the particulars though of blending families and finances.

I never really thought about it much but GreatWolf's story DOES remind me and echo mine. It wasn't the day the ring came on though. . .it was about 3-6 months after the birth of our first child. After that, it was like she became a different person, had a major personality change.

I slowly dropped in importance, behind the child(ren), the dog, her job, until I was essentially living and sleeping in the basement with little if no objection from her, other than the "appearances" of that for the family.

I remember once she told me she was ashamed to take me to a party at work. I dont' think she said it to hurt me. . .she was genuinely trying to communicate with me how she felt (and there is no wrong with that, right?).

So. . .I left her and somehow to this day, she's pissed off about it, like "the nerve" or "the unfair settlement." (my attorney says she thinks she has been victimized by "da' system.")

Sad times. . .I left this forum for a couple of years and don't wish to come back here and relive the sob story by any means.

Well, I haven't rushed but I do get my gf. . .there does come a time.


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## poppyseed

nickgtg said:


> BS.


OK, that's fine but I don't see any explanation following "BS" which is simply emotive - not a communication.

To me, I accepted our romantic love died when he/my ex felt it wasn't there anymore between us and sought that from other woman. I would have been deluded if I insisted our romance / romantic love didn't die after he felt it wasn't found in our marriage any longer. Demands from LTR took over instead, maintaining work, paying bills, what to eat, shopping for groceries, what to do over the weekend, in laws, housing etc etc. Even if we had a plenty of cuddles, kisses, affections, loving and caring, romance was the first one to go once you start living with someone 7/24 in my honest opinion. Suddenly, I was no longer someone he desired as he "got" me and he felt there was no need to chase me "that way" anymore.

Nick, it's OK to disagree but please stay civil and explain and make your point across. I ask this politely. Thanks.


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## firebelly1

Okay, yes, I am sentimental and have said that my divorce has made me cynical but this slideshow of emotional grooms seeing their brides walk down the aisle got me feeling all goopy yesterday:

The Bride Wanted A Serious Wedding Photo And This Is What She Got

The emotion these guys are displaying really say "Oh my god, I love this woman and she's all mine and look how beautiful she is. I'm so lucky." What a beautiful thing to feel and experience. Not saying you have to feel that at a wedding, but, I don't know, it somehow gave me hope.


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## Wolf1974

firebelly1 said:


> Okay, yes, I am sentimental and have said that my divorce has made me cynical but this slideshow of emotional grooms seeing their brides walk down the aisle got me feeling all goopy yesterday:
> 
> The Bride Wanted A Serious Wedding Photo And This Is What She Got
> 
> The emotion these guys are displaying really say "Oh my god, I love this woman and she's all mine and look how beautiful she is. I'm so lucky." What a beautiful thing to feel and experience. Not saying you have to feel that at a wedding, but, I don't know, it somehow gave me hope.


I had a similar photo from my wedding, I thought my wife was the most beautiful thing I ever saw and still remember EXACTLY what she looked like the day I met her in 6 grade. Don't know that I will ever feel that way again but I did at least once


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## poppyseed

Wolf1974 said:


> Don't know that I will ever feel that way again but I did at least once


It happened once and I'm sure it will happen again. But the real question is, "will I be wiser next time?" I ask myself sometimes.


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## coloradodreaming80

I feel totally ruined as a person and have no hope for a relationship of any kind, ever. I was horribly physically and mentally abused by my mother until I was 18. Now Im married to a man that is just as mentally abusive as my mother. I dont even know how to even begin to heal myself. I literally have no one to talk to. I love doing so many different things but mentally Im broken. I want nothing more than to be in a healthy relationship.


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## indiecat

Colorado, do you call or visit the Abused Women's Shelter? They will listen.


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## EnjoliWoman

coloradodreaming80 said:


> I feel totally ruined as a person and have no hope for a relationship of any kind, ever. I was horribly physically and mentally abused by my mother until I was 18. Now Im married to a man that is just as mentally abusive as my mother. I dont even know how to even begin to heal myself. I literally have no one to talk to. I love doing so many different things but mentally Im broken. I want nothing more than to be in a healthy relationship.


Don't think of yourself as ruined - that implies there is no hope to be repaired. Just damaged - damage can be repaired. Can you afford to see a counselor? If not, United Family Services (a division of United Way) works on a sliding scale - when I was unemployed it was $7 for an hour. Then once I was employed I could use my insurance. 

To heal yourself you have to leave the environment that is perpetuating the damage. Have you left? Battered women's shelters are often part of the United Way network. They can help. You can heal and be whole and do the things you enjoy and some day when you are ready, you will be able to venture into relationships and have the tools to ensure they are healthy ones.


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## ne9907

coloradodreaming80 said:


> I feel totally ruined as a person and have no hope for a relationship of any kind, ever. I was horribly physically and mentally abused by my mother until I was 18. Now Im married to a man that is just as mentally abusive as my mother. I dont even know how to even begin to heal myself. I literally have no one to talk to. I love doing so many different things but mentally Im broken. I want nothing more than to be in a healthy relationship.


Colorado
Know that you are not alone. Many of us have walked the same path you are walking. It is not consolation to know that you are not alone, it is empowerment. Find yourself. 
Others have suggested to get counseling, I highly recommend this. Seek a shelter. Please be free. Be you. Be happy

Hugs to you


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## SepticChange

*Re: Re: Are you hopeful of any future marriages/relationships?*



coloradodreaming80 said:


> I feel totally ruined as a person and have no hope for a relationship of any kind, ever. I was horribly physically and mentally abused by my mother until I was 18. Now Im married to a man that is just as mentally abusive as my mother. I dont even know how to even begin to heal myself. I literally have no one to talk to. I love doing so many different things but mentally Im broken. I want nothing more than to be in a healthy relationship.


My heart goes out to you colorado


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## coloradodreaming80

Thank you, I will check out counseling through United Family Services. Thank you for the tips.


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## Pepper123

Between my abusive marriage and the emotionally traumatic follow-up relationship -- plus the number of gut wrenching stories I have read on here... I have succumbed to the idea that healthy, loving marriages are either an anomaly, or facades. 

Either way, most people are lost on treating others with the kindness and devotion that a successful marriage would take... When you do the math, I mean... 50% divorce rate, and about 1/3 of marriages survive cheating. Now throw in abuse. Seriously, those statistics are painful.

I look at the whole idea of marriage now as a fairytale... the day I see my white knight float in on a unicorn I will change my tune, but not a second sooner.


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## Pepper123

coloradodreaming80 said:


> I feel totally ruined as a person and have no hope for a relationship of any kind, ever. I was horribly physically and mentally abused by my mother until I was 18. Now Im married to a man that is just as mentally abusive as my mother. I dont even know how to even begin to heal myself. I literally have no one to talk to. I love doing so many different things but mentally Im broken. I want nothing more than to be in a healthy relationship.


Colorado... My parents were neglectful, my dad was abusive, I was sexually abused, and at 21 I got married who would go on to strangle me until I blacked out and threatened to kill me. Even when he was able to stop the physical abuse, I endured 8 more years of deeply emotional abuse from him, until I walked. 

You have good inside of you. You have strength you don't even know of. Please PM me if you would like... I have been in your shoes, and I do know there is hope on the other side.


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## SepticChange

Pepper that's how I feel. I see long lasting marriages and people go crazy saying how they didn't give up on each other but in the back of my mind I think "he probably cheated on her or beat her back in the day and she just took it." And the reverse. How do we know they're together just for the kids or to remain "respected members of society" or he or she is scared to leave. Yes every marriage had its problems but how much you wanna bet those who've been together 20+ years at least one of them have had to put up with hurtful or destructive sh*t from their spouse...? I try not to think that way though but it creeps up when people say "see they didn't split up with things got hard"....well, they probably should have in some cases....


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## Pepper123

*Re: Re: Are you hopeful of any future marriages/relationships?*



SepticChange said:


> Pepper that's how I feel. I see long lasting marriages and people go crazy saying how they didn't give up on each other but in the back of my mind I think "he probably cheated on her or beat her back in the day and she just took it." And the reverse. How do we know they're together just for the kids or to remain "respected members of society" or he or she is scared to leave. Yes every marriage had its problems but how much you wanna bet those who've been together 20+ years at least one of them have had to put up with hurtful or destructive sh*t from their spouse...? I try not to think that way though but it creeps up when people say "see they didn't split up with things got hard"....well, they probably should have in some cases....


Yeah... My parents are a good example. My dad was abusive (and ill with lupus), my mom took it... At least until I graduated HS, at which point they'd been married 25 years. My mother had wanted to leave the last 15 years they were together. But they waited for me.... Gee, thanks. My dad married his AP, and mom is on husband #3.


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## poppyseed

That's probably very much close to my own assessment of "Marriage". 

I am seeing a very decent guy but I'm also very realistic about so many minus aspects of being in a LTR / particularly 7/24 live in relationship. He also had a very bad marriage going back 3 years ago and he was traumatised to say the least. In my life stage, I prefer to experience romance, affection, compassion and understanding and respecting each other's boundaries, aspirations and work commitments but I'm unable to accept all the nonsense LTR will bring sooner or later by trying to "merge" two separate needs into a combined set of needs.


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## SepticChange

*Re: Re: Are you hopeful of any future marriages/relationships?*



Pepper123 said:


> Yeah... My parents are a good example. My dad was abusive (and ill with lupus), my mom took it... At least until I graduated HS, at which point they'd been married 25 years. My mother had wanted to leave the last 15 years they were together. But they waited for me.... Gee, thanks. My dad married his AP, and mom is on husband #3.


Same. My parents were married 22 years till my mom said screw it. She had enough of the control and emotional abuse. She straight up told my dad a few years before they split that she was just hanging on for us (me, my 2 brothers and sister). When my youngest brother was 12 and old enough to pretty much take care of himself she didn't feel guilty anymore and filed for divorce. We all agree that it was the best decision she's ever made.


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## Pepper123

SepticChange said:


> Same. My parents were married 22 years till my mom said screw it. She had enough of the control and emotional abuse. She straight up told my dad a few years before they split that she was just hanging on for us (me, my 2 brothers and sister). When my youngest brother was 12 and old enough to pretty much take care of himself she didn't feel guilty anymore and filed for divorce. We all agree that it was the best decision she's ever made.


Any parent doing this should take note... Doing this to your kids is really selfish. My parents split up 16 years ago, and I am still pissed off that they didn't do it earlier. 

Anywho /thread jack...


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## SepticChange

Because of this I inadvertently ended up in a similar situation as my mom...trying to make something work that I shouldn't. I don't trust my judgment anymore because I've never seen firsthand on a regular basis how a normal healthy marriage is supposed to be like. But oh well. Ya live, ya learn.


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