# My wife found and old friend on Facebook



## Denali (Apr 20, 2013)

Hi I think my wife's friend and her are becoming more than friends. My wife and I stopped have a close sexual relation ship about 10 years ago I think it had a lot to do with me working nights. I never had a to worry about her cheating on me I just knew I could trust her, but about 2 months ago she found a old friend she grew up with on Facebook I didn't think much about it I kinda knew him to but they stared talking all the time on facebook then texting and now he calls her and she calls him all the time. I asked her about it and she says he's just a friend..... Last year she started having problems with here heart and blood presser and the doctor told her she needed to lose weight so over this winter her and I lost weight she went from a size 12 to a size 5 and she looks great I went from a 38 to a 32 and feel great....I was thinking are relationship was getting stronger we are coming up on are 20 years of marriage next month, But two weeks ago she blew me away she said she didn't love me and she was leaving I asked her if she was going to go to her old friend that is over 600 miles away and she said no she didn't want know one ells she just didn't love me and that was it.....So the last two weeks have been a lot of fighting and trying to get her to talk to me all she says is there is nothing to talk about and that she has a lot of thinking to do. This past weekend I sat with her on are bed and I took my ring off and handed it to her and said to put it with hers and if she wanted to fix are lives I would put it back on and lover her like a husband and that I was sorry that we didn't work on are relationship before now. That night when I was making her and dinner she walked out to the kitchen and took my hand and kissed my finger and slipped my ring back on and gave me a kiss like we used to do when we first got marred and then she hugged me so tight....She is still texting him and calling each other but not like they were two week ago I just don't know what to do she is being more intimate with me but is that maybe guilt that she is feeling. I just don't know........


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Hmm... sounds like she decided to take the cake eating approach. Is he perhaps planning to visit or move your area? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Buy her the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Also, suggest you both read "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley. 

I don't need to tell you that working opposite shifts are brutal on a marriage. Couples need to devote quality time to the relationship, time to focus on each other, marriages need to be nurtured.


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## Denali (Apr 20, 2013)

I talked to his mother over the weekend she is friends with my mom's side of the family and she told me he was in a relationship with a woman and that she was living with him. My daughter notes that he didn't call or texted all weekend but it started back up yesterday. I think he is hiding it from his girlfriend to.


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## Denali (Apr 20, 2013)

I took early retirement last year so I don't work nights any more but I will get that book thank you for your post..........Just bought the book on Ebay .....thanks again.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Denali said:


> I talked to his mother over the weekend she is friends with my mom's side of the family and she told me he was in a relationship with a woman and that she was living with him. My daughter notes that he didn't call or texted all weekend but it started back up yesterday. I think he is hiding it from his girlfriend to.


Definitely no good. And your daughter even notices? EEK.

Have you considered going to marriage counseling? 10 years of issues is a LOT that needs to be worked through.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

She has to go verifiably NC with this guy. Period.

You need to expose the affair on his side as well.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sounds like it may be/was an emotional affair

You need to get yourselves in marriage counseling NOW

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

A severe case of "Cake-Eating," I'd say! In order to even progress to MC, she needs to fastly surrender to you all of her passwords to her cell-phone, emails, and to FB, or any other social websites that she's active in, at an absolute minimum.

Sorry to see you here at TAM, Denali, but you've definitely come to right address! Best of luck to you!


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## Denali (Apr 20, 2013)

I told her we need to see a marriage counselor but she said no what is there to talk about and I tell her 20 years of marriage and her reply is she doesn't need one.....as I type this reply she has been in our room watching tv and texting him and when I confront her she get all mad and says he is just a friend......


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## Denali (Apr 20, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> A severe case of "Cake-Eating," I'd say! In order to even progress to MC, she needs to fastly surrender to you all of her passwords to her cell-phone, emails, and to FB, or any other social websites that she's active in, at an absolute minimum.
> 
> Sorry to see you here at TAM, Denali, but you've definitely come to right address! Best of luck to you!


She deletes all her text she send and gets from him. I think his girl friend see something to because he only texting and calling now when he is at work...........


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Denali said:


> I told her we need to see a marriage counselor but she said no what is there to talk about and I tell her 20 years of marriage and her reply is she doesn't need one.....as I type this reply she has been in our room watching tv and texting him and when I confront her she get all mad and says he is just a friend......


He's not just a friend. There's no room for friends that aren't friends to the marriage.

I'd ask to meet him. Have dinner out together. Him and his GF you and your wife. Any friend she has can be yours too.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If she wants out I would show her the door. And she needs to know that you're not an idiot and you see exactly what's going on and you will NOT allow it. She can either choose to cooperate and be present with you and work on your relationship or she can not, but you will not sit idle and allow her to disrespect you any further.

Put your foot down Denali.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Get a keylogger for her PC and take time to go over to Badbane's TAM thread(*Anyone Interested In Evidence Gathering*?)regarding technological issues, i. e. computers and cell-phones! A VAR discreetly placed in her car would not be a bad idea either!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Spywear isn't necessary IMO. OP you know this isn't appropriate, and you know they aren't 'just friends'. Everything about this points to an EA.

Now before it goes physical, put your foot down. Stop her cake eating and make her choose.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Here's what you do:

1) When she is away for the day, rent a U-haul

2) Change the locks in the house

3) Pack all of her stuff and put in u-haul in driveway

4) When she comes home, and asks if you're leaving, say: "No, 
YOU are", and toss her the keys.

5) Go into house and lock the doors, and she can't get in, as you
have changed the locks.

6) Sit back and be UTTERLY AMAZED at how badly she wants to 
forget the OM and be your W again.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

While I can see "Bit's" point in not going with the spyware, I respectfully dissent in that you do not know the true depth of how deep that your W's EA has gone with this clown. That's certainly something that you'll never truthfully get out of her.

And if the EA is so deep that she has already replaced you with another emotional partner, which would seem likely, can the PA really be that far out on the horizon, that is, if for some reason, that it hasn't discreetly occurred already?

A married relationship, more often than not, is lost at the EA level. All that the PA ever does is to more firmly bond those emotional feelings of the cheating pair through the physicality of sex! 

Pretty much like the marriage bed does for newlyweds!


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## Denali (Apr 20, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Spywear isn't necessary IMO. OP you know this isn't appropriate, and you know they aren't 'just friends'. Everything about this points to an EA.
> 
> Now before it goes physical, put your foot down. Stop her cake eating and make her choose.


He lives 600 miles so I have that on my side. I would like to somehow let his girl friend know what's going on because he is doing all the texting and calling from work so I know she doesn't know what is going on ether. The weird thing is that she let me rub her back again something I haven't been able to do in over four years and Sunday night it got a little sexual she had me rub her breast and she talk about maybe using some of her toys together but she said she just wasn't ready for that yet. Then yesterday he called her 2 times in the morning and text all afternoon and last night I ask if she would like another back rub and she said she was to tired something I have heard for over 10 years...........


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Please tell the other guys girlfriend what is going on. Now. 

Your wife must cut all contact. All. She can not delete texts and hide her phone. Or else, I agree with the other poster who said 'get a u-haul........etc etc'


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## Denali (Apr 20, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> While I can see "Bit's" point in not going with the spyware, I respectfully dissent in that you do not know the true depth of how deep that your W's EA has gone with this clown. That's certainly something that you'll never truthfully get out of her.
> 
> And if the EA is so deep that she has already replaced you with another emotional partner, which would seem likely, can the PA really be that far out on the horizon, that is, if for some reason, that it hasn't discreetly occurred already?
> 
> ...


He lives 600 miles away so I no they haven't had a PA yet. So do you think there is a chance in Hell I can save or marriage before it get more deep with him. She just says no to MC and says there is nothing to talk about....


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Denali said:


> He lives 600 miles so I have that on my side.
> 
> *Yes AND no. I agree this is better than him living next door. However it is a false sense of security. The EA / Sexual affair that is ongoing remotely is preventing you from working on your marriage. The affair must die. Surely your boundaries are more than PIV sex. I am sure they are. BUT realize that one hop on a plane and travel 600 miles in a few hours. Are they EX lovers already?*
> 
> ...


It will take her a couple of months at the least to go through withdrawal. She will backslide and the clock starts over each time. But this is tough because this is a long term affair. I suggest you do His Needs Her Needs together. Set better boundaries. BUT you need to create a new marriage with actual intimacy. This will take time. You need to date your wife. You will need to spend significant one on one time together. Yes massages can help.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She doesn't want MC because she knows she is wrong and doesn't want to be "ganged up" on. She knows that any good MC will tell her to get rid of her special friend.


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## Denali (Apr 20, 2013)

F-102 said:


> Here's what you do:
> 
> 1) When she is away for the day, rent a U-haul
> 
> ...


Sounds like a country song.......lol But I don't think I could just through her stuff and her out yet I just want her and I help. I fell in love with her when we were 14 years old but we didn't get together till we were 21 and got married when were 22. I just don't want to give up that easy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Denali said:


> He lives 600 miles away so I no they haven't had a PA yet. So do you think there is a chance in Hell I can save or marriage before it get more deep with him. She just says no to MC and says there is nothing to talk about....


MC is useless until you kill the affair. MC is not going to kill the affair.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

You have to be willing (or be able to act like you are totally willing) to let the marriage go, even if you're not.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> While I can see "Bit's" point in not going with the spyware, I respectfully dissent in that you do not know the true depth of how deep that your W's EA has gone with this clown. That's certainly something that you'll never truthfully get out of her.
> 
> And if the EA is so deep that she has already replaced you with another emotional partner, which would seem likely, can the PA really be that far out on the horizon, that is, if for some reason, that it hasn't discreetly occurred already?
> 
> ...


Also he does not know if this is a cyber sexual affair which is above and beyond an EA.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Denali said:


> He lives 600 miles so I have that on my side. I would like to somehow let his girl friend know what's going on because he is doing all the texting and calling from work so I know she doesn't know what is going on ether.
> 
> *Definitely start to investigate to get hard evidence and find out how to contact the GF. Do you have access to your wife's FB account? Want to bet he's on there? Get a keylogger on the PC to get all the passwords and I'm willing to bet you may even find an email account or a secret FB account you don't know about!
> 
> ...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It's not a very well-kept secret that a "piece of strange" has invaribly made some people do some pretty stupid things!*


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Denali said:


> He lives 600 miles so I have that on my side. I would like to somehow let his girl friend know what's going on because he is doing all the texting and calling from work so I know she doesn't know what is going on ether. The weird thing is that she let me rub her back again something I haven't been able to do in over four years and Sunday night it got a little sexual she had me rub her breast and she talk about maybe using some of her toys together but she said she just wasn't ready for that yet. Then yesterday he called her 2 times in the morning and text all afternoon and last night I ask if she would like another back rub and she said she was to tired something I have heard for over 10 years...........


Distance from him is your friend... for NOW. When and if this gets any deeper, believe me they will find a way to get together. It'll be some trip she wants to take to see a family friend, or some other BS. And SHE will go to him. Guys in these situations tend to manipulate the female into doing a hell of a lot more of the work, especially when they have a woman already at home they have no intention of leaving.

Texting all afternoon is like foreplay for hours. Sex begins in the mind, especially so with a woman. She's transferred and acted on those feelings with you after being worked up all day. She can be playful with you but be thinking of him.


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## Denali (Apr 20, 2013)

sunshinetoday said:


> You have to be willing (or be able to act like you are totally willing) to let the marriage go, even if you're not.


I did that yesterday I took off my ring and handed it to her to put it with her's. She came out last night crying and put it back on my finger, I looked at her hand and she had put her ring on again. It's just been a big mess.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Just tell her that as long as she keeps talking to him the ring stays off your finger. If she continues, the next stop is a lawyers office. See how she responds to this.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Denali said:


> I did that yesterday I took off my ring and handed it to her to put it with her's. She came out last night crying and put it back on my finger, I looked at her hand and she had put her ring on again. It's just been a big mess.


 There is no half way approch to ending an emotional affair (EA). You are either willing to file for divorce if she does not go full no contact (NC) and agree to full transparency (which includes all passwords without complaint), or you are willing to sit by and let the affair grow and get stronger. The strong that the EA gets, the less likely that you will get her back. You must be willing to file for divorce and mean it as she will try to call your bluff. You can always stop the divorce later if she earns your trust back.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Denali said:


> I did that yesterday I took off my ring and handed it to her to put it with her's. She came out last night crying and put it back on my finger, I looked at her hand and she had put her ring on again. It's just been a big mess.


What matters is her going verifiably NC. Nothing else.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

So she cried. Big deal. Until she drops her "friend" like a greased bowling ball, you will ALWAYS have a mess on your hands.

Expose the affair to not only his GF, but to all her family and friends, too!


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