# Married & Desperately Need Advice



## MarriedVeryConfused (Mar 13, 2015)

Hello,

would I be able to get some advice please? I'm a 31 year old male currently married (since last August) and I have been with the same woman for 10 years. I’m beginning to wonder if I have married a woman who is manipulative and doesn’t really love me, it’s also important to note i would do anything for this woman. Obviously this is a very difficult time and when I confide in my family they all make out the reason I am unhappy is because I have had a couple of issues with depression in the past, so they basically make out it’s all my fault and do not take anything I have to say into any kind of consideration at all. I know I have had my issues, we all do in life right1? However, is it really normal when I am feeling completely fine to feel unhappy?

I don’t want to give up on our marriage, but I am constantly disrespected by her, and I feel like a walking ATM machine to be completely honest. I became quite successful within the last couple of years so it’s never been about the money as I had non when we got together, but now if I am honest that’s what it feels like. My wife never does things to show me that she cares, and I am a bit of a walkover as I regularly do romantic things for her, take her out for nice meals, take her for trips away, pay for expensive abroad holidays, and even do the things that really matter like putting a picture frame of our lives together for her, all the make her happy. Even with that stuff I feel like she’s not bothered about it, she got emotional when I made a 10 year book for us with photos throughout our time together, but apart from that I don’t feel any real emotions or reactions from her to these things I do.

One of the main issues we’ve had (even though our sex life for a married couple is probably quite normal - 3 times a month) is the fact in 7 years she has only initiated sex once or twice. She’s constantly admitted she has been selfish and things will change, but they simply never have. She also never does any sexual acts for me that I like because she doesn’t like them, when in return obviously if you’re a couple you want to fulfil each others needs right? The fact she doesn’t come on to me has always really bothered me, it makes me feel neglected, unattractive, and a bit of a loser to be honest. I could understand if I was really unattractive or had something wrong with me, but I am just an average looking bloke in decent shape, so I really don’t get it? It’s become that bad that even when a woman recently flirted with me at a petrol station telling me I smelt lovely and giving me all the signals for a brief encounter that lasted probably a couple of minutes it made me feel more alive than my wife has done for years. That brief encounter and bit of attention from a woman made me feel electric for the entire day, and I am a very loyal person so I would never stray but it’s clear that this is a huge void in our marriage, and only for me as I literally always come on to her, make the effort, etc etc.

Currently she is is desperate to have kids, but I am not excited about this at all, is that telling me something? I don’t want to end up in a situation where I am completely trapped because of the kids, especially when you have young children to think about, and I would simply never leave for the sake of kids either, i am not that selfish and I think it would have a terrible impact on them from an upbringing point of view. I’m starting to wonder if I just need to leave, or am I simply confused and this is just part of marriage and life?

I have had problems with depression, and like everyone in life we’ve all had our issues right? The strange thing is even when I am feeling perfectly fine, I still don’t feel happy when I think about my wife and our relationship. If I am not getting positivity, joy, and happiness from our time together then that’s not a good thing is it?

I would love to hear from anyone in a similar situation. I have been confused for a very ling time about all of this and today I finally put my foot down after an argument telling her I will not be disrespected, she’s very clever in making me feel like rubbish when she is the one who has initially upset me, so for once in my life I am going to do my own thing today and basically just cut off from her for a few days, I can’t just bow down too all her needs every single time, I have given up and given in loads to make her happy in the past when we’ve argued but she is INCREDIBLY stubborn and enough is enough today I am not backing down, I just want me own space to be my own man.

Please can anyone with a similar experience give me some advice, and thanks in advance for reading!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It is hard when the other is not reciprocating. What was your W reaction after you laid it out on the table?


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## MarriedVeryConfused (Mar 13, 2015)

Whenever we discuss these issues my wife becomes extremely defensive. Obviously that is quite understandable given it's a tough subject, however with the whole initiating sex subject she admits to it, tells me she will change and things never do.

With the other issues she tends to get into a rage. She has always had issues with friends leaving her in life and so for some reason it tends to come back to this and she has really bad outbursts saying things like... 

"Ok I'm so s**t sorry about that. Would you like to have a go at me anymore or have you finished now?"

and also things like

"f** you all"

Really aggressive stuff which never talks about the issue. She's VERY quick to turn it around as well as this last argument I told her I wanted time on my own because I just can't handle this manipulative behaviour and I got...

"Not even wanted in my own home, and you think you're upset!? F*** you"

The F you were the last words from her last night. I haven't spoken to her all day and then she texted saying fine if you want to ignore me etc etc

It's absolutely impossible to get through to this woman. Another thing she does regularly when she doesn't want to talk is to say "We've been over this time and time before" and then refuses to discuss anything.

Lastly she is happy for me to get some help (counceling) with my issues but when I mention us going together to resolve these problems that regularly occur and the same old arguments she point blank refuses.


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## Sillyputty (Jan 22, 2013)

It sounds like you are very passive and have allowed her to treat you like a doormat (or ATM as you described). This is not uncommon and can work both ways, obviously. I'll let other speak to the "nice guy" stigma that you seem to portray, good on you for finally speaking up and standing your ground. It's important for you to establish yourself as the alpha partner, not as a domineering ogre but as the strong, confident one who can lead the family (should you decide to have one). This holds true even in the face of her violent outbursts, if you can garner the strength to do this.

The other thing I will touch on is your (and her) need for autonomy and independence. My W has similar issues and I have had to separate myself from her (emotionally) time and again. This ebbs and flows in no particular pattern, only as I feel the need to "retreat" and when it is "safe" I will re-engage with her. It is a sad realization to discover we/you don't have the fairy tale marriage, but I believe that is a myth anyhow (as the word fairy tale itself would imply). 

I would say the key in your situation is to educate yourself as much as possible, read books, seek counseling, etc., when you feel "centered" and confident in your new-found knowledge and autonomy, you will then be ready to fully engage her and (hopefully) lead her forward in the marriage. This knowledge will serve you well whether you stay in the marriage or not.


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## martita (Jun 1, 2014)

Judging by your second post, your wife does not take confrontation well.

Im no expert, but I know I have taken my hubby for granted and hes told me how he feels. Maybe you can try another approach? Trying to not making it sound like youre attacking her (im not saying you are, but it looks she takes it as an attack)
Like, Hun lately ive felt a little sad with our relationship...
Or when she says Eff you, which is disrespectful, tell her calmly, I dont like you saying profanities at me.
I know that when my hubby has shown sadness at me regarding our relationship, i do everything in my power to be a little better. But when hes told me YOUre like this or YOU dont do that, i get defensive too.

I was also the detached type, but i'm improving. Im still not the type to do cutesy or romantic stuff for him (though neither is he). Although i think I should, some women like myself are not the romantic type. Maybe she isnt either?

Has she always been like this, or did she show more signs of affection before?


Were in our 20s, no real experience from my part just my point of view trying to help


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Sillyputty said:


> It sounds like you are very passive and have allowed her to treat you like a doormat (or ATM as you described). This is not uncommon and can work both ways, obviously. I'll let other speak to the "nice guy" stigma that you seem to portray, good on you for finally speaking up and standing your ground. It's important for you to establish yourself as the alpha partner, not as a domineering ogre but as the strong, confident one who can lead the family (should you decide to have one). This holds true even in the face of her violent outbursts, if you can garner the strength to do this.
> 
> The other thing I will touch on is your (and her) need for autonomy and independence. My W has similar issues and I have had to separate myself from her (emotionally) time and again. This ebbs and flows in no particular pattern, only as I feel the need to "retreat" and when it is "safe" I will re-engage with her. It is a sad realization to discover we/you don't have the fairy tale marriage, but I believe that is a myth anyhow (as the word fairy tale itself would imply).
> 
> I would say the key in your situation is to educate yourself as much as possible, read books, seek counseling, etc., when you feel "centered" and confident in your new-found knowledge and autonomy, you will then be ready to fully engage her and (hopefully) lead her forward in the marriage. This knowledge will serve you well whether you stay in the marriage or not.


Find out if she is a CSA (Childood Sexual Assault) survivor. It would explain the "push/pull" thing and violent outbursts and lack of intimacy.

When you are a stranger (not married) you are sexy as hell. Once married you become the "abuser" family member and sex gets cut off as they seek to distance themselves from you only to feel abandoned so they pull you back in. An endless cycle.


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## MarriedVeryConfused (Mar 13, 2015)

Thank you for all of the advice, I never knew this way in which women work even existed, it messes with your head a bit. 

She's home from work on a Friday evening and I am at a shopping centre buying some clothes to feel better about myself I'm thinking about staying in a hotel because I just can't handle the stress of it all I think I have reached my limit.

I've never done anything like this before but for once I'm doing something for me, what do I need to do to save our marriage then or can she simply not be changed and it's a downward spiral?


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## MarriedVeryConfused (Mar 13, 2015)

So the one day I walk out and do some shopping on my own to get away from things my wife goes round to my parents upset making out it's me that's got some kind of problem again. Now I've got my parents calling and her calling every five minutes, I'm in an impossible situation here because she goes round to my parents upset and then they're likely to say "what are you doing to this girl" if I answer the phone, I'm completely on my own and it's unfair 

What do I do? My parents will not listen to my feelings at all they will say things like it's your depression, but the stress of everything is killing me. When I think about all of this I feel awful and when I spend time on my own, like this evening I feel like I can get away from it all I feel like I can breathe. Anyone got any advice?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

So if she has a job how are you being an ATM? She is contributing to the household too. Does she spend most of the household money on herself? You were together 10 and you must have been happy or you wouldn't have gotten married. She changed all of a sudden? She shouldn't involve your parents in your marriage. Stop hiding and go and talk to her. Staying away shopping or at a hotel will not fix your marriage.

Now is the time to try and fix things before you have children. I see so many posts lately from people who dated many years, got married and within a few years they aren't happy and want to end it. I don't understand how getting married changes your relationship that much.


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

Didn't read all the other replies, but if nobody already said it, I'd hold off on any kids. 

It's sad your being discounted because you have dealt with depression. I'd try to stay as calm and rational as possible with everyone, especially in light of all that. And do you have someone who is supportive, good friend, old counselor, etc? Seems like you need someone to talk to.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

MarriedVeryConfused said:


> Obviously this is a very difficult time and when I confide in my family they all make out the reason I am unhappy is because I have had a couple of issues with depression in the past, so they basically make out it’s all my fault and do not take anything I have to say into any kind of consideration at all.


That's too bad. At times like this you need the support and feedback of your family and it appears they're biased against you due to your past issues. Probably not much you can do about that besides lay out the facts and explain why you have problems in your relationship and see if they can provide you with useful feedback and support. 



MarriedVeryConfused said:


> One of the main issues we’ve had (even though our sex life for a married couple is probably quite normal - 3 times a month) is the fact in 7 years she has only initiated sex once or twice.


Not sure what's the norm but that sounds like a low frequency, and she rarely initiates, that's not a good sign. Maybe she's LD (low drive) or maybe she's having attraction issues.



MarriedVeryConfused said:


> She also never does any sexual acts for me that I like because she doesn’t like them


Like what? Don't tell me she won't blow you. 



MarriedVeryConfused said:


> Currently she is is desperate to have kids, but I am not excited about this at all, is that telling me something? I don’t want to end up in a situation where I am completely trapped because of the kids


I don't blame you. Your fears are warranted. Tell her things need to change, as promised, especially the disrespect, and they need to be that way for a while before you'll even consider having kids.



MarriedVeryConfused said:


> I still don’t feel happy when I think about my wife and our relationship. If I am not getting positivity, joy, and happiness from our time together then that’s not a good thing is it?


That could be the depression. Are you happy and satisfied doing things by yourself? You can't expect your relationship to make you happy, you need to be happy and satisfied with yourself and your life FIRST.


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

Read MMSLP, awaken the alpha male, create excitment and mystery in your marriage.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Have your parents ever provided you support for your marriage issues, or have they always just said it was your depression? I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all this strife right now.

Why is your wife going to your parents about your problems? That only seems to fuel the fire and exacerbate the situation. I would tell them that if they aren't going to listen to your side of the situation, then they need to back off and let you handle things in your own way.

When you tell me about her coping skills, I am seeing someone that is acting far younger than her years. Again, I am only inferring.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I certainly would not regard three times a month as normal. in Ancient Greece that was the bare minimum before it became grounds for divorce.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You're a nice guy and your wife isn't very attracted to you or respectful of you.

Are you willing to do the work to change that?


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## MarriedVeryConfused (Mar 13, 2015)

Me and my wife had a big chat we talked over all the issues however after 3 days I mentioned to her I couldn't just get over it like that and she started crying and threw another fit. I feel like she's a control freak she says people don't know what we have had to go through like it's all my fault but I think my health is both ill health and my underlying issues with my relationship. 

She expects me just to forget it and move on but I can't and these babyish crying sessions are really annoying now, I used to bow down and comfort her whenever this happened but I simply don't have the energy and I personally think it's her way of trying to get control.

Luckily that night she didn't go round to my parents and my parents were very supportive they told me my health issues could be because of my relationship which is true but confusing at the same time as it's obviously a big decision either way.

Initially I thought about moving to her city and having kids for her so she would feel complete but now I realise I actually dread that. My life isn't where I want it to be currently I can't get over things such as never meeting anyone from her work in over 6 years and when I bring this up she says it will never change no one ever sees peoples other halfs deal with it.

This along with no initiation of sex caused my anxiety and paranoia, which I think is understandable given the circumstances. 

I'm now at breaking point to be honest, I have realised how stressed and how hard life has been for me over the last 3 years, I can't take this anymore. I'm seeing a councillor and trying to stay calm but I logically realise my marriage will not change overnight, however she expects me to forget everything and I can't.

I know now is the biggest decision of my life so I am trying to regain my health first and foremost. Depression and anxiety are hard but I battle every day and when I feel like I can't leave the house because of the anxiety I make myself, I know I'm on the edge stress wise and I'm wondering if a couple of years to myself is what I need? I'm so low, my self asteem is rock bottom, I miss feeling enjoyment, laughing and just feeling normal. I've changed as a persons focus is now to do good things for people, her focus is shutting herself and watching rubbish on tv. She doesn't want to do anything, she never suggests, she never surprises me or makese feel special unless I complain it's hard because of the fact I have suffered and do suffer mentally, but that's not me 24/7. 

Not really sure what to do, everytime we argue or she flips out again because she doesn't get her own way I get more anxiety andorw stress. Respect has gone in our relationship and that's bad and yes that's my fault too, I'm lost, any advice?


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## MarriedVeryConfused (Mar 13, 2015)

Lenzi - yes exactly that!


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## MarriedVeryConfused (Mar 13, 2015)

She gave him ex oral probably a dozen times but only twice for me in 10 years and only once fully


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## MarriedVeryConfused (Mar 13, 2015)

Questioned my wife tonight (yes I was angry) about out sex life the lack of initiation and sexual acts for me as reading posts on the internet I simply didn't buy it, so I wanted the truth.

She's crying now uncontrollably, has given me her wedding ring and refuses to give me any answers on it as "we've been through this before" but I simply get no answer. I've had enough can't be bothered not going to feel sorry for this woman when she can't answer 2 simple questions


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

So I take it that's a "no."


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## MarriedVeryConfused (Mar 13, 2015)

Why should I do the work? I've done everything for her, I'm miserable I don't want a life sat infront of the television pretending everything is ok, why should I work for her? She's not worked on anything I have spoke about in years


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## MarriedVeryConfused (Mar 13, 2015)

I can't wait until things calm down, she wants kids and wants to move this year. If I'm not sure I'm not going to have kids I'm not the selfish.

So I have two options...

1) stick it out hope it improves, have kids and if it doesn't live a life for them only still being unhappy

2) move on before it's too late and kids are involved


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MarriedVeryConfused said:


> Why should I do the work? I've done everything for her, I'm miserable I don't want a life sat infront of the television pretending everything is ok, why should I work for her? She's not worked on anything I have spoke about in years


Because you have to.

Think about it. You can't control her, you can only influence her. The only thing in this universe you can control is yourself.

If you do the work you have to do to pull your socks up, and she responds and becomes a better wife in return, you win.

If she doesn't respond, and you go back into the sexual marketplace, you now have a better bargaining position and more self-confidence - and will fare better.

Seems the rational choice, which I understand is probably difficult right now.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MarriedVeryConfused said:


> I can't wait until things calm down, she wants kids and wants to move this year. If I'm not sure I'm not going to have kids I'm not the selfish.
> 
> So I have two options...
> 
> ...


3) go on a program of radical self-improvement and be a better man no matter what happens. And that starts by losing the victim/wait and see mentality.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

MarriedVeryConfused said:


> I'm now at breaking point to be honest, I have realised how stressed and how hard life has been for me over the last 3 years, I can't take this anymore.
> 
> I know now is the biggest decision of my life so I am trying to regain my health first and foremost. Depression and anxiety are hard but I battle every day and when I feel like I can't leave the house because of the anxiety I make myself, I know I'm on the edge stress wise and I'm wondering if a couple of years to myself is what I need?


There's meds for that.


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## octaviaa (Mar 3, 2015)

I didn't read the entire thread, but read the original post. From the sounds of it, you weren't happy with her or in general prior to getting married. 

I used to have the problem myself of being the "nice girl" in relationships, and many times I ended up feeling like a doormat. I would often get upset, and think "I do all these things for him, why doesn't he do anything for me ?" Soon, in my mind, the person I was with was a selfish a-hole whom was responsible for my happiness or lack of. 

The problem with the above thinking is, it's not their problem it's mine. I chose to do it all for them. I chose to be a nice giving person. They didn't twist my arm or force me. I also chose to become bitter, depressed and angry - it's not another person's responsibility to make me happy. 

My advice is, no matter what you decide, decide to change the way you think of your life. If you are a nice giving person, it is who you are. It is a wonderful attribute to be happy about. You sound like an amazing husband as well, which is also something to be happy and proud about. Being a great, giving husband is nothing to feel be bitter over, even if you never get what you want in return. Decide to be responsible for your own actions, thoughts & happiness. They are the only things in life you have complete control over. Life is messy, people don't act or react exactly the way we want them too, and that's just a fact of life.


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