# Having an Affair



## Gooch78 (Mar 19, 2012)

I have posted quite some back about my wife and my situation, its been going down hill for almost 3 years.

I started having an Affair almost 1 year back and Im emotionally in Love, feel for the person who I am kind off with. I have not felt like that or never had the same feeling I had for my wife. We can make love atleast 3 to 5 times, while with my wife, It has NEVER crossed 1.

The problem is, I am married with 2 kids and she is married with 1 Kid.

Its a very complicated situation, I absolutely Love her and I don't know what to do really. 
I have had sex with my wife, but there is no feeling, no passion, its completly dead, its just like giving myself and her a massage. Im sure she also doesnt have feelings, she is only married to me for the kids.
Im 34 years old, and living a sad life with my wife, Im not happy with her at all.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Nothing complicated about it. Confess to your wife, file for divorce, and ride your unicorn over the rainbow to the OW.

The problem isn't what you stated. The problem is neither of you have integrity or basic human decency to do the right things.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Divorce your wife and be with the OW, seeing as you love her so much. Will she leave her husband too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, you and your lover are breaking your wife's heart, your lover's husband's heart, the hearts of your two children and the heart of her child.

But, heck! You and your lover are going to be happy and I'll bet that you feel the collateral damage of 5 hearts being broken against the happiness of you and your lover is a worthwhile ratio. 5 to 2?

The problem is that sometimes it is almost as if the lovers feel that they are the only real people and that the other people in the scenario are just cardboard cutouts with no feelings, no rights to be happy, no right to expect fidelity. 

Do you trash talk your wife to your lover? Does she trash talk her husband to you?

What do you intend to do to them over the children? Steal them from their other parent? Or just dump your loyal and presumably clueless spouses and your children and run off together into pinknfluffy land?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Do you have a question? Are you looking for feedback? Do you want us to give you permission to harm your wife, your children, the other woman's husband, and her child? Are you just a troll?

We need more information in order to respond appropriately.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Gooch78 said:


> I have posted quite some back about my wife and my situation, its been going down hill for almost 3 years.
> 
> I started having an Affair almost 1 year back and Im emotionally in Love, feel for the person who I am kind off with. I have not felt like that or never had the same feeling I had for my wife. We can make love atleast 3 to 5 times, while with my wife, It has NEVER crossed 1.
> 
> ...


Do you believe that the "emotional" love, such as you now feel with other woman, naturally "fades" or "matures" into another kind of love? Or do you feel that this type of love, the butterflies in the stomach, the excitement and passion at just the thought of seeing her, will last forever?


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Gooch78, you are extremely selfish. One of the first things you mentioned was the frequency of the sex with your mistress. Guess what??? There's more to a marriage than sex!!!! There's honesty, loyalty, trust, etc. of which you can provide none of that to your family (and neither can your cheating, lying, mistress to hers). Shame on you for thinking with your crotch and not about your innocent children and faithful wife. Did you even TRY to fix your love life before straying or did you just throw in the towel and figure cheating was the easy way out???

You're clearly not mature enough to be in a marriage, so get out. Go see if your mistress will leave her family for you. If she does, get with her, and we'll see you back here in a year when she cheats on you, making YOU the victim. 

You're not going to find any sympathy on this forum because YOU'RE WRONG and everyone here knows it. Go eat your cake and let your family begin to heal and get over you.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

You and your AP are both "new and shiny" to each other.

I bet you felt exactly the same about your current wife when you met her and fell in love with her. You've just conveniently re-written your own history to forget. 

Of course, there IS the possibility that what you wrote is the "truth", but it's doubtful because you are currently a lying cheater and you are fooling everybody, including yourself.

Tell your wife, have your AP tell her husband and see if everything comes out still looking "shiny and new".

Good luck.


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## Asian (Nov 4, 2012)

comes around goes around.
Just watch your back and whatever you do is what you really want.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

How is your wife's relationship with her lesbian lover going? You mentioned in the other thread her OWH found out, did that end that affair? Or did her lover get a D?

I think you need to come clean with your wife. Decide if open marriage is right for you both or D. I don't see a solution in your circumstance that would lead to R in a normal monogamous relationship.

The continued lying and deceit will cause harm to your kids. Don't keep doing that.


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## Gooch78 (Mar 19, 2012)

ACOA: U said it, there has been too much lying and deceit going around from both of for too many years. I cant just type 10 years of marriage.. 
I feel we both are just cheating each other in our marriage. I would never think of divorce just for the kids.
As much I and she try to mend things between us we someway or another get into fights. 
Its not Only about sex, we have been married for 10 years with 2 Kids, so its not just sex: we cant communicate with each other, we dont talk at all.. She prefers to talk to her "Best Girl Friend" more than me. For 9 years, i have been talking her complete Domination of our marriage. She always has done what ever she thinks is correct and would take desicions without even consulting. She has lost us over $ 200,000 casue she took the investment without even consulting me. 
I know having an Affair in wrong, completely wrong, but I just love her, she hears me, talks, listens, and passionate about me. We have decided to stop seeing each other and try to Fix our marriages and maybe staying apart and stop seeing each other would help.
I cant stop seeing her smile, I dream about her, from time to time we talk on the phone but no more the intimate relationship.
Im not looking for sympathy here, Im just writing how Im feeling and let things out.
Regarding what comes around goes around, I think its coming back to her.. I guess the abuse I got watching her receive Love and Flirty text messages over the years, for her that was not cheating, that was her way of getting more business for the company.. I adore my Kids and also adore this girl I love and also dont want her to ruin her family.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Gooch78 said:


> also adore this girl I love and also dont want her to ruin her family.


Such a complete denial. That ship already sailed. The same aplies to your own marriage. Why do you think you feel nothing when you have sex with your wife? Because you are madly in love with another man's wife! Stop trying to project the blame into BW as if the way you percive your wife and your marriage is not related the way you feel about OW! You can't be so dense. It's a no brainer.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Gooch78 said:


> ACOA: U said it, there has been too much lying and deceit going around from both of for too many years. I cant just type 10 years of marriage..
> I feel we both are just cheating each other in our marriage. *I would never think of divorce just for the kids.*
> So havin a sneaky illicit affair is GOOD for the kids?? hmm
> *As much I and she try to mend things between us we someway or another get into fights.*
> ...


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Divorce! & move on!

Thats what is best for your kids!


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

You will never recover the love you have for your BW while you are banging the OW.

You do not care about tearing your kids family apart.

If you want to stop being selfish you can find your way back to your WW. Get the books Surviving An Affair, and His Needs Her Needs by Dr Harley.

Then confess to your BW, apologize to your OWH, then work on those books with your BW in the order listed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Gooch, what has the husband of your lover ever done to you that you can take his wife and child away from him?

It must have been pretty bad...


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Omg! Excuses, excuses! What a coward! What the hecks could this OW possibly see in you?? Your wife apparently doesn't want the marriage either. You both need to talk and mutually file or you need to man-up and file already. If you love Whilomena so much, you need to go knock out her husband, untie her from her marriage train tracks and claim your prized princess. SOS the poor children. Stop fence sitting man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

If you are in love with another woman, then you have nothing to offer your wife anymore. You have taken everything from her: your dedication, your loyalty, your LOVE. 
Confess and set her free to be with someone who will love her and be faithful to her. Don't put her thru the ordeal of staying married to a man in love with another woman. She will be miseable because you will make her miserable with your behaviour. She will be miserable to watch you being miserable. 
Divorce and be with the OW since she is the one you love. Your wife shuldn't be just hanging there as a raincoat.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Gooch78 said:


> I have posted quite some back about my wife and my situation, its been going down hill for almost 3 years.
> 
> I started having an Affair almost 1 year back and Im emotionally in Love, feel for the person who I am kind off with. I have not felt like that or never had the same feeling I had for my wife. We can make love atleast 3 to 5 times, while with my wife, It has NEVER crossed 1.
> 
> ...


While I in no way condone cheating on your wife, I am going to take a different approach here: 

Why do you think she is only married to you for the kids?

The reason I ask ... I know a woman who has a very troubled past. She has 4 children and an ex-husband (children's father) who is in jail (constantly in and out because of drugs). She barely makes minimum wage. She has a boyfriend who at 38 doesn't have a job or career but helps her with the kids. She plans to marry him, not because she loves him but because she thinks she has no other options. She would rather not be involved with anyone while she straightens out her life but raising her children by herself (in the ghetto) seems so impossible to her that she'll endure marrying this guy. I thought wow, that sure is a recipe for a happy marriage, sic.

Not saying your wife is similar to this woman but why is she married to you?

Others here are making the assumption that the two of you married for all the right reasons but that isn't always true. In this woman's case, she doesn't care about love, dedication, etc. with THIS man ... she is only looking for some semblance of stability in her life.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Gooch78 said:


> I would never think of divorce just for the kids.


Let me give you my opinion on this statement as nice as I can. That's a load of crap and you know it. Its more about losing material stuff. If you wife invested and lost 200 grand without missing a lick, ya'll probably got more stuff than most folks. I suspect you don't want to downsize your lifestyle. 
If you don't love the other chick enough to give that up. You don't love her. She's just a piece on the side.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

The truth will set you free... Man up and tell you wife what's going before she finds out and that will
make things worse. Been there found out that way. Like others said numerous times- your selfish, and your in
Fantasy land! Rainbows and unicorns don't last long!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gooch78 (Mar 19, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Gooch, what has the husband of your lover ever done to you that you can take his wife and child away from him?
> 
> It must have been pretty bad...


 thats his 2nd wife and not his son


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## Gooch78 (Mar 19, 2012)

onemic said:


> The truth will set you free... Man up and tell you wife what's going before she finds out and that will
> make things worse. Been there found out that way. Like others said numerous times- your selfish, and your in
> Fantasy land! Rainbows and unicorns don't last long!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I completely agree, I love my family and kids. But when Im with this women, its really heaven, raimbow and unicorns. Natuarlly I dont want to destroy my family.

I have found myself Love messages on my wifes phone, thats how I actually began, before I never thought of seeing someone else until I started seeing lots of flirting messages, she's coming back at 1,2,3 am..

Unfortunatley she pushed me to that direction.
Imagine last week, she got a text message, so I pretended to be her, its was crazy messages this guy was sending, like how much I want to be with you, etc....

Kids are a major factor why we probably are stilltogether and trying to work things out.. atleast not fighting infront of kids and being civilized.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Gooch78 said:


> Natuarlly I dont want to destroy my family.


Much too late for that. 



Gooch78 said:


> Unfortunatley she pushed me to that direction.


You're in so much denial, I can smell it through my monitor.
The dopamine oozes from your words.

She pushed you to? *or you decided to*?




Gooch78 said:


> Imagine last week, she got a text message, so I pretended to be her, its was crazy messages this guy was sending, like how much I want to be with you, etc....
> 
> Kids are a major factor why we probably are stilltogether and trying to work things out.. atleast not fighting infront of kids and being civilized.


What a terrible way to live. And those poor kids....
You may think you're protecting them, but in reality
you're slowly making it worse for them by living in denial this way... both of you.

Grow up and take accountability for your actions.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Gooch78 said:


> I completely agree, I love my family and kids. But when Im with this women, its really heaven, raimbow and unicorns. Natuarlly I dont want to destroy my family.
> 
> I have found myself Love messages on my wifes phone, thats how I actually began, before I never thought of seeing someone else until I started seeing lots of flirting messages, she's coming back at 1,2,3 am..
> 
> ...


Is english your second language ? Some of this doesn't make sense ?

This does sound a bit trollish to me. Do you understand what we are talking about when we say unicorns and rainbows ?


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

You sound like my wifes OM. 
Tell ya what, go tell her husband. Maybe when he pushes your teeth out, that will take some of the shiny away. 
But you arent gonna do that, are you?
Of course youre not. 
Good luck. Your world is about to implode.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

I haven't looked at this post for awhile, mostly because Gooch78 disgusts me, but there are a few things i'd like to say: 

"I don't want to destroy my family." YOU ALREADY DID!!!! Get a clue! Cheating DESTROYS famlies!!! Even if she doesn't know about it yet! She WILL find out, its only a matter of time! 

"Unfortunately she pushed me to that direction". You're an idiot. Your crotch pushed you in that direction, not your wife. Only a coward would try to blame his spouse for his own infidelity. You're trying to lay the blame on ANYONE BUT YOURSELF. i'm not saying your wife is totally innocent either because we don't know her and she's not on this forum, but the bottom line is: the only person responsible for you cheating is YOU. 

get a clue. I'm absolutely disgusted with you. Karma is a b**ch. You'll get yours one day.


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## Gooch78 (Mar 19, 2012)

English is my 2nd language. I probably will get my Karma back. We all get our Karma's back, but Im not insulting anyone in this Forum and cant Judge people and RUDE!
We all have experiences going with our marriage life, thats why we are all here for, good or bad. To listen, to hear, But NOT JUDGE, instead trying to learn from others experiences.
Thank you all for your posts.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Gooch78 said:


> MattMatt said:
> 
> 
> > Gooch, what has the husband of your lover ever done to you that you can take his wife and child away from him?
> ...


Well, in that case, screw that guy!!!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Gooch78 said:


> Imagine last week, she got a text message, so I pretended to be her, its was crazy messages this guy was sending, like how much I want to be with you, etc....
> 
> Kids are a major factor why we probably are stilltogether and trying to work things out.. atleast not fighting infront of kids and being civilized.


So, you're saying that your wife was cheating on you before you cheated on her? If that's true, then either just divorce and each go your separate ways, or have an open marriage. With an open marriage, you don't have to hide anymore, and you can go on dates Friday nights while your wife babysits and you can babysit so she can go on dates on Saturdays. It's a win/win.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Gooch78 said:


> English is my 2nd language. I probably will get my Karma back. We all get our Karma's back, but Im not insulting anyone in this Forum and cant Judge people and RUDE!
> We all have experiences going with our marriage life, thats why we are all here for, good or bad. To listen, to hear, But NOT JUDGE, instead trying to learn from others experiences.
> Thank you all for your posts.




Willingly living in a stale and deceitful marriage while playing pretend just for
the sake of the kids helps *nobody*. 

Sorry you don't like the truth. 

But hey, if that's how you *choose* to live, have at it.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

You will die alone. This kind of behavior tends to recycle itself, and you'll cycle through people until you're too old to do it anymore. You'll have invested your soul in nothing. It's up to you to break the cycle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You're both cheating. You with an OW, and your WW is in a lesbian affair with an OW. 

End the marriage.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Gooch78 said:


> English is my 2nd language. I probably will get my Karma back. We all get our Karma's back, but Im not insulting anyone in this Forum and cant Judge people and RUDE!
> We all have experiences going with our marriage life, thats why we are all here for, good or bad. To listen, to hear, But NOT JUDGE, instead trying to learn from others experiences.
> Thank you all for your posts.


" But NOT JUDGE..." - LOL...what planet do you live on where they do not judge?...judging other's behavior is part of the human condition. Get over it and grow up...


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

cj9947 said:


> " But NOT JUDGE..." - LOL...what planet do you live on where they do not judge?...judging other's behavior is part of the human condition. Get over it and grow up...


I almost posted the same thing...

Don't you just *love it* when a cheater plays the "don't judge me" card?


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

cantthinkstraight said:


> I almost posted the same thing...
> 
> Don't you just *love it* when a cheater plays the "don't judge me" card?


I know...the only thing these people and their "Enabler's" want to judge is "American Idol" performances...


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Gooch, if you are real and not a troll I would like to flag something up for you to consider regarding you and your wife's conduct. 

Do you love your kids? Are you and your wife together for the kids? 

My man/ex grew up with a mum and dad who both cheated on each other. Repeatedly. He is now 45. 

He is a lovely man, but he has HUGE issues. Massive. 

Part of those are to do with commitment. Not only commitment but also abandonment. Regarding his commitment, he had a 2 year affair against the mother of his child before they split up. They led separate lives for 4 years, wouldn't accept her wanting to break up, then embarked on his affair. Then he split from both his woman and the OW. He then had a 2 year relationship, he cheated on her. When they broke up he didn't want to split. He then had a 5 year relationship, she cheated on him, he cheated on her, she broke up with him though she never knew he had cheated. He knew she had though. But he didn't want to break up with her either. He was devastated. Then he met poor unsuspecting me. He cheated on me with his ex for the 1st year and half of our relationship. I don't think he wants to split with me, but he doesn't want to do the heavy lifting either to make things right. At the moment, we are split.

So, think again, do you think you are showing your children a healthy relationship? Or do you think you might be condemning them to an adulthood of messed up and fu*ked up relationships? I would think the latter. Unless they are very lucky and well rounded and manage to break the cycle. 

Read The Guy's story. This behaviour can turn round. And these disastrous marriages can be saved.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I have a thought. This may or may not be helpful, but I'll offer it up to you and the gallery. If you are sincerely trying to figure out the right thing to do, ask your wife to go to counseling with you. Tell her there are serious problems threatening the viability of the marriage. Marriage counseling does not necessarily put the marriage back together. It is counseling and many couples leave marriage counseling divorced. But it might offer you and your wife a structured envirornment in which to discuss these potentially quite explosive issues. She is your current life partner and there are a lot of lives involved, none the least of which, those of your wife and children. I'd say make sure it is a good counselor. With a bad one, and they are out there, you are likely to screw things up even worse. Ask around. People you can trust in the community. Your PCP. Any friends or friends of friends who have been through counseling, regardless of the outcome. And let your wife decide on the counselor. Then be honest. With your wife and the counselor. Good luck.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Also, whether or not you stay married to your wife, you and your wife are going to have to work together for the care and welfare and wellbeing of your children. So, my thought is counseling.


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

Gooch78 said:


> I have posted quite some back about my wife and my situation, its been going down hill for almost 3 years.
> 
> I started having an Affair almost 1 year back and Im emotionally in Love, feel for the person who I am kind off with. I have not felt like that or never had the same feeling I had for my wife. We can make love atleast 3 to 5 times, while with my wife, It has NEVER crossed 1.
> 
> ...


You know, when I read posts like this I become a mixture of baffled and absolutely infuriated.

My main question then becomes -- since when has sex become the primary definition for love? I will not negate the fact that intimacy is important in a relationship. It obviously is. However it's absolutely clear that you are basing your relationship with the OW and your wife off of sex. With your wife it's based on the fact that there is no intimacy and with the OW it's based on the fact that you're screwing like teenagers. You don't say "I love this other woman because we have a connection and are emotionally in sync with each other and share similar values and morals." You say "We make love like crazy and it's a great connection." Sorry to inform you of this, but sex does not make a sustainable relationship.

This brings me to my next thoughts. _*How dare you?*_

Not only are you deceiving your wife, but you are putting her in the position of not being able to speak for herself. You say that you are "sure" she has "no feelings". Have you actually sat down to speak to her? Have you said "I'm noticing there is a lag in our communication. I miss the intimacy that we once shared as a married couple. Can we talk so we can fix this?"

I am pretty sure that you didn't because you were so busy skirt chasing. 

Not to mention the fact that you have children involved in this mess. What example are you setting to them? Parents are supposed to teach their children honesty, morality, and to treat others the way they would want to be treated. What you are doing is quietly and sneakily destroying your family and teaching your children that this is ok. Anyone with any modicum of sense would never condone this type of behavior.

That being the case you need to man up. You need to treat your wife properly and inform her of what you've done. The ball should, in all fairness, be in her court. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too.

Furthermore I can guarantee this to you. If you should leave your wife for this woman your new relationship will not last. If the woman has no qualms about fvcking a married man, what qualms do you think she'll have in doing the same to you as you've done to your wife? Sex will not make a home. Sex does not make a family. Sex does not pick up the laundry or put dinner on the table. Sex does not keep a family together and secure through illness or misfortune.

You base far too much of your life off of sex and it's absolutely horrific. You'll find no sympathy from me.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

Victim789 said:


> I haven't looked at this post for awhile, mostly because Gooch78 disgusts me, but there are a few things i'd like to say:
> 
> "I don't want to destroy my family." YOU ALREADY DID!!!! Get a clue! Cheating DESTROYS famlies!!! Even if she doesn't know about it yet! She WILL find out, its only a matter of time!
> 
> ...


:iagree: Yes Gooch78 is a rather slimy and disgusting indiviual. I am not just saying that from a betrayed spouse perspective either. You are in denial, you don't seem to get it. You claim your wife is not meeting your needs, well are you attempting to meet any of her needs? Love and respect go both ways in a marriage. You just cannot just expect them without giving it back in return. 

The reason you are not happy in your marriage, is because you are giving all your love and happy feelings to your married affair partner. Never stay married for your kids. You think they do not notice that you are walking around in the dumps? It is BS...and it is also great hearing a WS side of the story. It proves just how deluded they are...YOUR AFFAIR IS NOT REALITY! YOU SAID "RAINBOWS & UNICORNS"...it is not based on any form of reality. It is an escape to Fantasy Island. When the fog lifts and reality sets in...you have to deal with the repurcussions of your choices. And I am almost certain, that you will most likely turn the blame to your OW or to your BS for keeping the two of you apart. You are a real winner and extremely incapable of your choices...you deserve whatever happens to you.:rofl:


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Gooch78 said:


> English is my 2nd language. I probably will get my Karma back. We all get our Karma's back, but Im not insulting anyone in this Forum and cant Judge people and RUDE!
> We all have experiences going with our marriage life, thats why we are all here for, good or bad. To listen, to hear, But NOT JUDGE, instead trying to learn from others experiences.
> Thank you all for your posts.


I will not judge or insult you, but I will tell you this... be very careful of what you are seeing, "feeling" and deciding. My WH "felt" the same way and "fell in love" with this co-worker (by the way, she had done this before and she was married with a baby 2 months older than mine) and when I confronted him he left us (me and his 18 momth old baby). 

One year of unicorns and rainbows, custody hearings and divorce court he came back begging to be part of his family again. Now, a lot of damage has been done and a lot of pain. He left his son when his son needed him the most (last year was crucial in getting my sone out of the Autism spectrum diagnostic). Where is the unicorn and rainbow? She dreams of him and he is "disgusted" by her and begs for my love and our marriage each day. Our love is not the same and I will probably never see him the same way.


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