# Ultimatum girlfriend dating my best friend



## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Please look back at my ultimatum post from last Spring. Well, As I thought I may have dodged a bullet, I feel pain in the pit of my stomach that won't go away. No, I did not give her a ring that she wanted and I lost her for good into the arms of my now ex best friend. I never stopped loving her. I just wanted to take things slow because I had gone through two failed marriages. She was quick early on in the relationship that she wanted marriage but I wanted just to take things slow becuase of what I had gone through. It got to the point where she said ring or leave. I had shared all my frustrations to my then best friend who told me to dump her and that she was unhealthy for me. I find out yesterday that he is now dating her. I know it is all my fault and am going through so much pain right now. She expressed to me on the phone last night that I missed my chance and she no longer loves me. Slowly getting wiser, if you read this please respond. I need strength now to never look back. Please help. I did not sleep all night.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You did the right thing

If she needed a ring right then and there and she's "over" you already, she was never really in love with you anyway. She was probably in love with the idea of a big wedding and being married.

Your BF has revealed his true colors here too so it's best to know that upfront.

Sit back and see how long it is before she gives him the same ultimatum!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I had shared all my frustrations to my then best friend who told me to dump her and that she was unhealthy for me


I suspect you were set up by your so called friend, but that's water under the bridge now.

I wouldn't worry. He doesn't want to marry her either. In the meantime, you need to move on with your life. She wanted something you weren't ready for, and there's nothing wrong with that. 

Live your life. Let her go. I'm not sure how great of a catch she is to hook up with your best friend. You may want to really think about that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did you date her before she gave the ring ultimatum?

How long ago did your relationship with her end?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Wow, you definitely did dodge a bullet! But it's tough to lose one person from your life, and you've lost TWO! No wonder you're feeling like crap!

Hopefully you'll be able to recognize this as an opportunity for new, healthy people to come into your life and fill the space vacated by these two selfish people.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

It’s not your fault; she is trying to guilt you so she doesn’t look like the bad guy. If she actually loved you she would have waited. You didn’t screw up, she tried to use you and when it didn’t work out she bailed and is blame shifting you. 

You did dodge a bullet. There’s a good chance that they hooking up was pre-planned. Odds are if you would have married her she would have eventually cheated since she just wanted to get married for the sake of being married. I’m sure she has unrealistic expectations and she would have blamed you for her marriage not meeting those expectations. My guess is she is emotionally immature.

Do not blame yourself. You had every right to be cautious and it looks like it paid off even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment. 

Let me repeat what I said earlier: If she really REALLY loved you she would have waited for you regardless.


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## BarelyThere (Dec 31, 2012)

It's easy to second guess yourself, but like everyone else says, you made the right decision. Doesn't make the pain any less, but it saves you from more pain down the road with her..or him.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Toffer said:


> You did the right thing
> 
> If she needed a ring right then and there and she's "over" you already, she was never really in love with you anyway. She was probably in love with the idea of a big wedding and being married.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for the encouraging words. She is very good at turning things around where she is the victim.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I suspect you were set up by your so called friend, but that's water under the bridge now.
> 
> I wouldn't worry. He doesn't want to marry her either. In the meantime, you need to move on with your life. She wanted something you weren't ready for, and there's nothing wrong with that.
> 
> Live your life. Let her go. I'm not sure how great of a catch she is to hook up with your best friend. You may want to really think about that.


A bit much, thank you so much. My self esteem is shattered and I want to have the strength to never look back. I just want the pain to go away. I will ignore ex friend if he is at the health club when I am there. He knows that I know. As for her, the thought of them making love together makes me sick to my stomach. I want to get a grip here.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How long did you date her before she gave the ring ultimatum?
> 
> How long ago did your relationship with her end?


The first ultimatum came after dating 6 months. Everything started going down hill from there. She would back off for a month, then start an argument of resentment, etc, etc, for months. I know in hindsight, I should have stopped it after the first ultimatum but I didn't. She had a way of softening me or hardeningme, under the covers. I am at fault here and will admit it but I did love her. I just wanted us to date and grow together exclusively until we both would be ready. So much fighting prevented growth. Two months ago is when I tried to move on without her and then the bottom fell out when I found out yesterday who she is seeing. I am just sick and want to have the strength to close this chapter of my life.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

goldstandard said:


> She expressed to me on the phone last night that I missed my chance and she no longer loves me.


Oh that's rich, cause she is such a catch. The simple fact that she is now seeing your ex best friend should tell you that you dodged a bullet. In fact you won the lottery! 

Any woman that starts pressuring for marriage after dating 5 months, and picking out the ring ...yeah you definitely dodged a bullet. 

There are quality women out there hoping to find a guy like you. Keep looking and count your blessings that you "missed you chance" with her. Or as I would say "escaped her clutches!"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> The first ultimatum came after dating 6 months. Everything started going down hill from there. She would back off for a month, then start an argument of resentment, etc, etc, for months. I know in hindsight, I should have stopped it after the first ultimatum but I didn't. She had a way of softening me or hardeningme, under the covers. I am at fault here and will admit it but I did love her. I just wanted us to date and grow together exclusively until we both would be ready. So much fighting prevented growth. Two months ago is when I tried to move on without her and then the bottom fell out when I found out yesterday who she is seeing. I am just sick and want to have the strength to close this chapter of my life.


You are lucky that you dodged this bullet. She does not sound like a person who is healthy enough emotionally for you.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

If it makes you feel any better, I dated my wife for 4 years before getting engaged then we were engaged for 1 year

Why would you want to rush into marriage when you're still young?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

goldstandard said:


> A bit much, thank you so much. My self esteem is shattered and I want to have the strength to never look back. I just want the pain to go away. I will ignore ex friend if he is at the health club when I am there. He knows that I know. As for her, the thought of them making love together makes me sick to my stomach. I want to get a grip here.



Chin up, shoulders back and greet him politely. He is the one that should be avoiding your eyes, you are a far better man than he. And from what you have said about her karma is coming for him sooner rather than later. 

Time to get busy with some new interests, make some new friends.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> It’s not your fault; she is trying to guilt you so she doesn’t look like the bad guy. If she actually loved you she would have waited. You didn’t screw up, she tried to use you and when it didn’t work out she bailed and is blame shifting you.
> 
> You did dodge a bullet. There’s a good chance that they hooking up was pre-planned. Odds are if you would have married her she would have eventually cheated since she just wanted to get married for the sake of being married. I’m sure she has unrealistic expectations and she would have blamed you for her marriage not meeting those expectations. My guess is she is emotionally immature.
> 
> ...


Thank you army of Juan. I have had so many responses of people saying if she really loved me she would have waited. Why does she not see it that way? Things were never right after her first ultimatum. Of all men in this world, why a friend of mine? knotts in the stomach.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> A bit much, thank you so much. My self esteem is shattered and I want to have the strength to never look back. I just want the pain to go away. I will ignore ex friend if he is at the health club when I am there. He knows that I know. As for her, the thought of them making love together makes me sick to my stomach. I want to get a grip here.


I understand being hurt by them, but you have no reason to not hold your head high in confidence. Those two are low. They have low moral character. They aren't people to which you should gauge your own moral character to.

Another thing, your ex is a unhealthy individual. The pressuring after 6 months is a strong sign of some emotional issues, and you would have regretted getting engaged on HER terms. Don't hold your head down, you have nothing to be sad about. Neither one of these people should be in your life.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> *The first ultimatum came after dating 6 months*. Everything started going down hill from there. She would back off for a month, then start an argument of resentment, etc, etc, for months. I know in hindsight, I should have stopped it after the first ultimatum but I didn't. She had a way of softening me or hardeningme, under the covers. I am at fault here and will admit it but I did love her. I just wanted us to date and grow together exclusively until we both would be ready. So much fighting prevented growth. Two months ago is when I tried to move on without her and then the bottom fell out when I found out yesterday who she is seeing. I am just sick and want to have the strength to close this chapter of my life.


WOW?!?!

Goldstandard. Keep your chin up. The fact that she's still interested in hurting you (which she is by continuing the attitude, think about it, if she was TRULY happy and TRULY over you, she wouldn't care about talking about the opportunity that you missed) tells you she still harbors feelings and is also sitting there angry over what SHE MISSED.

Look at it for a moment. If you broke up with her, would you shack up with her best friend. I'm pretty sure your answer would be no. Because you're a loyal and upstanding guy. She's (and your exfriend) isn't. YOU are the good one in this situation.

PS I have a sneaky suspicion that the ex friend and ex gf had, at a VERY minimum, flirted and talked if not gone physical. This was their chance, but he was a plan b for her. So hold your head up high that your sleaze of an exgf has run off with her plan b of your ex friend.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Aunt Ava said:


> Oh that's rich, cause she is such a catch. The simple fact that she is now seeing your ex best friend should tell you that you dodged a bullet. In fact you won the lottery!
> 
> Any woman that starts pressuring for marriage after dating 5 months, and picking out the ring ...yeah you definitely dodged a bullet.
> 
> There are quality women out there hoping to find a guy like you. Keep looking and count your blessings that you "missed you chance" with her. Or as I would say "escaped her clutches!"


Aunt Ava, your words are soothing to my heart. I know she has her side to this whole thing that she can rationalize now that she dodged a bullet. When I get into trouble with myself is when I start second guessing myself. Part of me wants to get in the car and get her flowers and beg for her back. I pray for the strength to never do that.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Never beg to be in anyones life. 

Never be someones OPTION. You want to be their priority. She doesn't want you, that much is obvious. She would have respected your wishes (within reason) if she did. 6 months of dating and then throwing out ultimatums about marriage is not reasonable.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

goldstandard said:


> When I get into trouble with myself is when I start second guessing myself. Part of me wants to get in the car and get her flowers and beg for her back. I pray for the strength to never do that.


If you do, then you have even less respect for yourself than she does. Please don't. Look into the mirror and remind yourself that you deserve someone loving, loyal & delicious to come into your life. Remember living well is the best revenge.

You know she is just hoping that you come groveling to her on your knees. Imagine how defeated she will be when she's sees you with her replacement. 

You need to date, a lot. Have fun, enjoy the company of nice women.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Toffer said:


> If it makes you feel any better, I dated my wife for 4 years before getting engaged then we were engaged for 1 year
> 
> Why would you want to rush into marriage when you're still young?


Well Toffer, we aren't that young. We are in our early 50's. But she is done with babies and I have been twice divorced. I lost a lot financially and it took me quite awhile to get back above water. I do want to get married again. It could have been her. My gut instinct felt not to rush into this.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> Well Toffer, we aren't that young. We are in our early 50's. But she is done with babies and I have been twice divorced. I lost a lot financially and it took me quite awhile to get back above water. I do want to get married again. It could have been her. My gut instinct felt not to rush into this.


Your gut instinct was right. This woman sounds materialistic and, if I may say so, very immature to have called you back and rubbed your face in it. How mean and petty! 

She and your so-called best friend did you a favor by showing you what sucky people they are. Kick their dust off your sandles and walk on to a better future brother!


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> WOW?!?!
> 
> Goldstandard. Keep your chin up. The fact that she's still interested in hurting you (which she is by continuing the attitude, think about it, if she was TRULY happy and TRULY over you, she wouldn't care about talking about the opportunity that you missed) tells you she still harbors feelings and is also sitting there angry over what SHE MISSED.
> 
> ...


Dad & Hubby, I appreciate your time. How does one with a broken heart recover from this? As I have stated before, I have a tendency to start second guessing myself especially when she has moved on and I haven't.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Your gut instinct was right. This woman sounds materialistic and, if I may say so, very immature to have called you back and rubbed your face in it. How mean and petty!
> 
> She and your so-called best friend did you a favor by showing you what sucky people they are. Kick their dust off your sandles and walk on to a better future brother!


Hi bandit. Well, to their credit, she did not call me to rub it in my face. I stupidly drove by her house and saw his car there. Then I weakened and called her and she confirmed they are dating. I was in the wrong there. Now I have to find the strength never to drive by her place again.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Dude I think you dodged THE bullet. Now your XBF is going to have to deal with all her crap. She will hurt him one day. And being as he broke the code, he kind of deserves it.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

And remember, SHE is not the only woman in the world. There are women (note the plural) out there can can and will make you happy for life. Go find one of them.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> Thank you army of Juan. I have had so many responses of people saying if she really loved me she would have waited. Why does she not see it that way? Things were never right after her first ultimatum. Of all men in this world, why a friend of mine? knotts in the stomach.


No. If she really loved you she would have worked with you. She would have understood your hesitation after 2 failed marriages and taken things slowly. 

I was engaged once a long time ago. I was in a service academy so I was away for weeks at a time. My fiance was with me for a few years.

What I did not know was a few of my buddies had moved in on her. They were all doing her. 

I came home early and surprise, surprise.

It all came out. I walked away from multi year friendships that day.

But the great part of the story was that I no longer trusted women in general. This was not good. I met a girl a year later.

We dated for 5 years. I then asked her to marry me. Up to that point she had never pressured me to marry her. She also would not sleep with me or go away with me (yes, there a few good irish catholic girls left!!)....

She knew my history and never pressured me, sexed me or threatened me for a commitment in any way. DId she want to marry? Yes. Did she want kids? Yes. Was she horny for me? Hell yes.

So my advice is to walk away. She is not worth your time. And he is not worthy of your friendship.

I hope this helps you.

HM64


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> Hi bandit. Well, to their credit, she did not call me to rub it in my face. I stupidly drove by her house and saw his car there. Then I weakened and called her and she confirmed they are dating. I was in the wrong there. Now I have to find the strength never to drive by her place again.


Your best friend was working on her before the ultimatum. I'm sure he had something to do with urging it even. All the while he's telling you she's no good for you. It was all a plan. A woman that in love to want to marry a man doesn't just up and date his best friend after a couple months. Not unless there was a whole lot of intimate bonding and talking beforehand. You were handled by both of them.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

sandc said:


> And remember, SHE is not the only woman in the world. There are women (note the plural) out there can can and will make you happy for life. Go find one of them.


Thank you sandc. It is funny how (or not funny) the the tables turn towards feeling burned when the person who she is now doing is a good friend who I confided in. Does anyone know any exercises to help make the stomach pain go away. Before I found out about this yesterday, I was not feeling the pain that I am now.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Well playing baseball with your ex bf and ex gf's heads seem to do the trick. Try it.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Your best friend was working on her before the ultimatum. I'm sure he had something to do with urging it even. All the while he's telling you she's no good for you. It was all a plan. A woman that in love to want to marry a man doesn't just up and date his best friend after a couple months. Not unless there was a whole lot of intimate bonding and talking beforehand. You were handled by both of them.


I hate to agree with this assessment but... I agree with this assessment.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> No. If she really loved you she would have worked with you. She would have understood your hesitation after 2 failed marriages and taken things slowly.
> 
> I was engaged once a long time ago. I was in a service academy so I was away for weeks at a time. My fiance was with me for a few years.
> 
> ...


Hi Happyman. She would say that she did work with me after the six month period. The problem is every other month there would be a fight started and her resentment for having no ring would come back. There were many peaks and valleys with no period of stability in growth.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> Thank you sandc. It is funny how (or not funny) the the tables turn towards feeling burned when the person who she is now doing is a good friend who I confided in. Does anyone know any exercises to help make the stomach pain go away. Before I found out about this yesterday, I was not feeling the pain that I am now.


Nothing but time helps with this. You may need to figure out what it is you saw in this woman and the women in your previous relationships. Learn to spot those traits and avoid women who display them.

Make sure your mutual friends know that he was preying on your fiance. Which, he was.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

sandc said:


> Nothing but time helps with this. You may need to figure out what it is you saw in this woman and the women in your previous relationships. Learn to spot those traits and avoid women who display them.
> 
> Make sure your mutual friends know that he was preying on your fiance. Which, he was.


Expose to mutual friends what a pos he is.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Gold:

Sorry I just found this thread (feel free to PM me if you want to talk or want me to read a thread of yours, I don't mind at all!)


This woman MUST BE *incredibly* hot-looking for you to be this into her! Because it CERTAINLY isn't based on her personality.

Am I remembering correctly that she has NEVER been married? Doesn't she have a daughter about 18yo? Didn't she have this daughter because she PURPOSELY got pregnant by a BF who TOLD HER he didn't want kids? 

What does THAT say about her trustworthiness?
What does THAT say about her regard for others (men in particular)?
What does THAT say about her love for her daughter (a girl your ex-gf KNEW was never going to be wanted by her father)?

*THAT is what you are missing out on?!?* A selfish, lying, manipulative woman who doesn't care about other people's feelings?

How many 'boyfriends' has she dragged through her daughter's life? dozens? many dozens? I know neither of you want children, but her actions to her OWN CHILD speak VOLUMES about what kind of treatment ANYONE in this woman's life can expect. Crap all over people and tell them 'you've gotta be happy!'; daughter: because she's getting fed, clothed, etc., you: because you're getting laid.

She was dating YOU and couldn't get a ring FAST ENOUGH. Why, was she afraid she wouldn't get the money? That you might reconsider? Draw up a pre-nup? Meet someone else? 

Mature people who marry for love would WANT to know if you found someone else more compatible; they know it's better you find out BEFORE the marriage! They realize that there is NO NEED to RUSH the marriage...they will have a lifetime together. In the meantime, there is still plenty of time spent together.

Mature people who marry for love are planning their MARRIAGE, they're not just planning their WEDDING PARTY! They are building the foundation for a lifetime together, not an 8-hour celebration with drunken friends.

So your ex-gf and your ex-bestie are now dating. Good for them! Everyone should find someone and be happy. Are they happy? Who knows? Will they make it long-term? Who knows? Will they get married regardless of whether they're happy? Who knows? It's certainly not YOUR concern.

If you are TRULY "in love" with this woman, I don't know how to dissuade you from it. I have not heard ANYTHING admirable about her personality that would make me think you've lost anything (except a lot of drama and crap) by dumping her.

Do you miss getting laid? Oh, HELL YES! *Don't we ALL*?
Was she beautiful? I'm assuming that is HELL YES as well.
Was she a GOOD PERSON, a kind, loving, generous, thoughtful woman who HAD YOUR BACK, pulled her half of the load, was truly grateful for YOU in her life (not the places your took her, the stuff you bought her, the money you spent on her)? Only you know that.

Did you feel cherished by this woman? Or just proud to be seen with her and glad to be getting laid by her? Her 'my way or the highway' attitude was NOT going to 'end' with the engagement ring, or even with the "I do's". You know that, don't you? Someone that selfish, demanding, impatient will have a laundry list in her head of what YOU MUST DO FOR HER because she's granting you special and exclusive access to the 'golden pearl'. You think you lost a lot on the last two divorces, I shudder to think how much marriage and subsequent divorce to THAT woman would have cost you! And that's just financially, the damage to your self-esteem might have been irreparable!

Dodged a bullet? No, methinks you dodged a minie ball, a cannonball, a torpedo, an atomic bomb, a nuclear meltdown!

BTW, Gold, you should CONSIDER changing your phone #s; they don't really need access to you...nor you to them.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Gold:
> 
> Sorry I just found this thread (feel free to PM me if you want to talk or want me to read a thread of yours, I don't mind at all!)
> 
> ...


Slowlygettingwiser!! Thank god you arrived. You are the first person I thought of when this happened yesterday. You are fantastic for all your thoughts. I will have to leave my computer until tomorrow morning but will want to lean on you some more if you don't mind. My own mind is now playinggames with me such as imagination of ex friend making love to her, me not measurring up any longer, her giving up on me, etc. I know everything you wrote makes absolute sense. This feels good just for awhile and then I start back in on the negative thoughts. If only I would have given her a ring, I would not be in this pain right now and old friend would not have had the opportunity to be with her etc. I know I am better off in not getting her a ring but I don't understand why I am in so much pain. I keep trying to remind myself that I dodged a bullet but my brain goes back to that gut wrenching feeling. I did not sleep at all last night. I want to Pm you but I could not find your name on the list. Please help me out. Thanks


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> Slowlygettingwiser!! Thank god you arrived. You are the first person I thought of when this happened yesterday. You are fantastic for all your thoughts. I will have to leave my computer until tomorrow morning but will want to lean on you some more if you don't mind. My own mind is now playinggames with me such as imagination of ex friend making love to her, me not measurring up any longer, her giving up on me, etc. I know everything you wrote makes absolute sense. This feels good just for awhile and then I start back in on the negative thoughts. If only I would have given her a ring, I would not be in this pain right now and old friend would not have had the opportunity to be with her etc. I know I am better off in not getting her a ring but I don't understand why I am in so much pain. I keep trying to remind myself that I dodged a bullet but my brain goes back to that gut wrenching feeling. I did not sleep at all last night. I want to Pm you but I could not find your name on the list. Please help me out. Thanks


Slowlygettingwiser. You are correct in that she has never been married and planned her pregnancy with the guy who did not want kids. The later part she would deny today because she now knows how selfish it is. Too late though because it was her first explanation and I believe that to be truthful, hence, she tried to backpeddle the story after realizing it turned me off. I know I have to focus on me right now but I am a nervous wreck. I defintitely want to know how to pm you in the morning. When you sent me a message before asking how I was doing, it came through via my email. Then I was able to click on your email to respond.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> Slowlygettingwiser. You are correct in that she has never been married and planned her pregnancy with the guy who did not want kids. The later part she would deny today because she now knows how selfish it is. Too late though because it was her first explanation and I believe that to be truthful, hence, she tried to backpeddle the story after realizing it turned me off. I know I have to focus on me right now but I am a nervous wreck. I defintitely want to know how to pm you in the morning. When you sent me a message before asking how I was doing, it came through via my email. Then I was able to click on your email to respond.


This may come as a surprise. She is really not that attractive. She looks much older than she is. I don't know if her smoking had anything to do with that but she has to load up on makeup every day to strutt her stuff. Yes, she was great in the sack and I think the ex friend of mine wants some of that because when we used to talk all the time, he was always talking about getting laid. She is thin and has a nice butt. Iknow none of that is suppose to matter but it was definitely an attraction of mine. I am going to reread your post this evening before I go to bed. I did not sleep at all last night. If I figure out where to find your username in the morning, I will pm you. Thanks again for your support. It means so very much to me.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> Hi Happyman. She would say that she did work with me after the six month period. The problem is every other month there would be a fight started and her resentment for having no ring would come back. There were many peaks and valleys with no period of stability in growth.


GoldStandard,

THat is not working with you. That is manipulating you.

And guess what? You should feel like you have been f'd enough by both of them.

Go find a real woman!

HM64


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

golds... 

There should not even be any serious discussion of marriage before a couple has dated for a year at least. Her demanding a ring from early on is very troublesome. There are so many red flags in what you say about this woman that it's concerning.

You might want to sit back some, take a close look at your excusing away the red flags. Do this before you get involved in anyone else.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Gold:

You're getting LOTS of great advice here! I almost didn't respond because everyone before me had it WELL-covered (although I don't know how many of them know the backstory.) 

PM'ing someone is EASY.


Go to any of my posts here.
Click on my name SlowlyGettingWiser right above my icon (white guy pointing at his head).
You will see the 2nd option listed is: Send a private message to SlowlyGettingWiser

For the rest of our posters, goldstandard's story was so interesting, we were BEGGING him to PLEASE let us know what happened when he dumped his girlfriend (even her MOTHER got involved, as I recall....berating him for wasting her daughter's life...it was pretty damned good!) He was kind enough to let us know and we were rolling around on TAM about it. It was actually pretty enjoyable.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> It got to the point where she said ring or leave.


If you gave her the ring it would have been the worse decision you ever made.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

I am so pissed off and angry at not only myself for letting myself believe that she really loved me and not just wanting to get married to anyone. Does anyone think I should send a final good riddens email to her or just let it go?


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## BarelyThere (Dec 31, 2012)

Let it go.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

Let it go. Walk away. In fact run away.

Neither of them are worthy of a response.

And for Gods sake will you go have a great life with a nice girl and a new best friend!!!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Hi gold. I read (skimmed is more accurate) back through you other thread and this one. It's unfortunate but you guys were just bad timing. You had been married twice was very gun shy and she was raring to make the committment. It's boiled down to irreconcilable differences I think. 

I am assuming that you pulled away due to the ultimatums and she was better about it but the pattern just kept repeating. Personally I wouldn't blame myself if I were you and I may not blame her either as many women start to get more serious about official committments at 1-2 years.

The bottom line is that you know better than to married under duress and pressure. You would have been resentful and things would not be good now.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> Thank you army of Juan. I have had so many responses of people saying if she really loved me she would have waited. Why does she not see it that way? Things were never right after her first ultimatum. *Of all men in this world, why a friend of mine?* knotts in the stomach.


A TRUE friend who live by the mantra: Bros before Whoas. This was not a true friend. 

Because of your character, she is the one who 'missed the chance."


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> I am so pissed off and angry at not only myself for letting myself believe that she really loved me and not just wanting to get married to anyone. Does anyone think I should send a final good riddens email to her or just let it go?


By turning your back and walking away it will serve notice to her that you are the bigger person.

Chances are she will give the same ultimatum to your XBF. From what I have read ur XGF reeks of desperation.. that's not a reason to marry. 

Her clock is running out and like you said, she's not that good looking without the pound of makeup... tick, tock, tick, tock.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Thank you all for your responses. I won't write a letter but I was just getting one started. What I was going t owrite was something like; Well now that I have had a couple days to digest the shock of the two of you together, I came to realize that the two of you deserve each other. It was just fate that the two of you were drawn together through my association. How ironic. It took me a long time to realize that you never really loved me all along and was just focused on getting married. If you think my ex friend is looking to get married, well.... you will just have to find out for yourself. I have a pretty good idea of what he wants from you but you will have to find out on your own. Consider me dead to the world forever. Don't even respond back to this email because I will not read it. There was a time that I thought you would always be in my life in one form or another; either as a soul mate or friend. You really did capture my heart. If you would have felt wonderful that we were dating exclusively, it would have eventually lead to marriage when we were BOTH ready. Don't call me out of the blue like you did 17 years ago when your baby was 3 months old and when you did 10 years ago out of the blue and when you did it 2.5 years ago. Goodbye


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Well guys, I just did something more stupid. You will all be pissed off with me. You probably will never give me any more of your responses and I will have to understand. A woman just explained to me her side of things that she has waited long enough for marriage with me. She told me to follow my heart. Because of how I am feeling lately, I jjust picked up the phone and called her and asked her to go with me and pick out a ring. Her answer to me was it is too late and that She no longer feels the same way for me. I then told her to promise never to call me again and I promised her I would never call her again. Now I am ready to have a nervous breakdow. Sorry guys. I have never felt this low before. I am actually shaking as I am writing this. Please don't desert me now guys.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> Well guys, I just did something more stupid. You will all be pissed off with me. You probably will never give me any more of your responses and I will have to understand. A woman just explained to me her side of things that she has waited long enough for marriage with me. She told me to follow my heart. Because of how I am feeling lately, I jjust picked up the phone and called her and asked her to go with me and pick out a ring. Her answer to me was it is too late and that She no longer feels the same way for me. I then told her to promise never to call me again and I promised her I would never call her again. Now I am ready to have a nervous breakdow. Sorry guys. I have never felt this low before. I am actually shaking as I am writing this. Please don't desert me now guys.


Gold if I had a brick for every stupid thing I've done I could build a church and dedicate it to St. Stupidus. 

You did that because you wanted to test her....to see where she actually stood. And now you know. She was never in it for the love. 

She'll turn around and hose your ex BF the same way, or vice versa. Just watch.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> Well guys, I just did something more stupid. You will all be pissed off with me. You probably will never give me any more of your responses and I will have to understand. A woman just explained to me her side of things that she has waited long enough for marriage with me. She told me to follow my heart. Because of how I am feeling lately, I jjust picked up the phone and called her and asked her to go with me and pick out a ring. Her answer to me was it is too late and that She no longer feels the same way for me. I then told her to promise never to call me again and I promised her I would never call her again. Now I am ready to have a nervous breakdow. Sorry guys. I have never felt this low before. I am actually shaking as I am writing this. Please don't desert me now guys.


You have to leave it alone. We have all been here in one way or another, and found that humiliating ourselves NEVER MADE THINGS BETTER.

She's with another man. This other man happens to be your so called best friend. They're both bottom dwellers. You're not missing ANYTHING but a good lay regularly, and I'm sorry to tell you but nobody is THAT GOOD. Nobody's sex is worth this drama and pain. It comes at to much of a price... your self respect.

Stop beating yourself up and giving the lowlifes more reasons and excuses to disuss you and your pathetic state in length. They're lying in bed together laughing at you. Stop giving them something to joke and tease about, it actually fuels their relationship with one another by making you miserable. She wants you to feel like you're missing something and calling her begging gave her what she wanted. You look even less attractive than ever now.

Move on with your life. Cut her out like the cancer she is and move forward. There are too many other good women out there who have more to offer than a great ass and mindgames. Go find some.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> I am actually shaking as I am writing this. Please don't desert me now guys.


Gold, get that adrenaline of your system like right now. jog / walk / pushups /etc. Do anything to get out of your fight or flight anxiety. Once you're settled then our posts will not sound hopeless. Nothing said will make sense or sink in until you get your body calmed down.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Thanks. I really feel sick to my stomach right now and can't concentrate working. I have to believe after all of this, I will be okay. Why am I so stupid right now.:scratchhead:


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

She is a want, not a need. You can and will do better. For now you have to just face the emotions. 

Hold your arms up and scream, it's funner that way.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Hi guys. I entered IC yesterday because I was in crisis mode. It went really well. I really opened up everything to the therapist. the therapist was helpful in making me realize that I was the one all along that resisted commitment from her because of the accumulation of red flags. It was never me that she loved, it was getting married that she was in love with. It is not a good feeling but helpful to me in realizing that truly loving a marriage partner is probably not important for her in getting married. She has her own fantasy that if she finds someone to marry, this will be the vehicle that will lift her own financial burden that she has. It is all about her and nothing about nurturing the growth of the relationship. After the six month marriage ultimatum, it increasingly became more about her and she stepped up the pressure and started taking away the FRINGE benefits unti lshe got what she wanted. Instead on focusing on us growing as a couple, she bickered more and put me on the guilt trip. I started drinking more to deal with the stress and manipulation. In her eyes, I was the bad guy here, not giving her what she wanted all along. She kept my focus on her. When she finally ended it for good with me at the end of November, I was not really upset then and through the holidays. I had totally stopped drinking and was taking care of myself. The therapist thought it was noteworthy that my drinking stopped completely when we were officially over. The crisis started Sunday when I realized when my ex buddy was at her place sleeping with her. At that point, I felt that instead of dodging a bullet, I lost a woman I loved into the arms of my ex best friend. It is truly mysterious how the mind works. I could have buried my head back into the bottle but I fought that and kept strong. but I continue to have my bouts of crying spells in private. The therapist wants me to think more from the intellect rather than the heart and emotions. I have a lot of work to do. I am greatful for all of you who have followed my situation all along. It means a lot to me that you take your time to help bring me up.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, gold, it's possible you were fine through the holidays because you assumed she was 'miserable' like you. Maybe subconsciously you harbored a hope that she would be so miserable that she would see the error of her ways, fix her problems, and be able to be a STRONG LOVING PARTNER for you.

But, as your therapist suggests, looking at this INTELLECTUALLY, it ain't NEVER gonna happen! She is too broken, too needy, still trying to solve her 'problems' the same old way she's been trying to fix them for 20years. 

She would NEVER have been WHO YOU NEEDED because she would never have seen WHO YOU ARE...just your money! Divorce #3 would NOT have been long in coming and maybe you would have given up on women and yourself and become bitter. 

See, you're MUCH BETTER OFF hanging with us at TAM and trying to fix YOUR OWN shyt! Just like the rest of us; we may be messed up, but we're TRYING and we're OPTIMISTIC for the future!!!

*hugs*


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

And SlowlyGettingWiser is available.

I'm just sayin....


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Her future marriage will fail.

Find another person

Observe and look she will not be happy i don't care if she takes 10 years to divorce or never divorces she wont be happy. She will suffer and its her own doing.


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