# pregnate and alone



## malin (Jul 14, 2011)

ihave been with myhusband for about nine years and next month we will have been married for eight we have one son and next month we will have a baby girl in are our life and about a week ago we got into an argument and i ended up at my mother cause he needed time i am so broken i dont know what to do and how to be without him i know everyone says time cures but i feel like no matter how many years and years go by i will never have his kinda love or ever be happy with out him and i dont know how to survive everyday with out him i knowi pushed him cause when we fought i dident give him time to cool i just kept pushing i wish i could go back just a few days and have let him be what do i do i need him so bad i feel nolife without him!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sorry to hear that you are in this situation malin. Woman undergo some radical physiological changes while they are pregnant. I know that emotionally, there are all kinds of things giong on so it is normal, although not easy to put up with from a man's perspective, that you lash out, or say and do things that you really wouldn't do under normal circumstances. With that said, it is imperative that your H understands this and that he needs to keep a cool head and his wits about him so that he can be there for you and help you through some difficult moments during the pregnancy. Too bad that he doesn't see the gift that his unborn child is and would be willing and ready be by your side no matter what. He should be more understanding of your actions while you are pregnant. Have you spoken to him, lovingly, about being patient with you? He wouldn't be very kind if he had a 10 or 15lb. bowling ball strapped to his waist for a few months I bet.

One thing I would need to comment on here from my experience. Many times, when the children come along, one or both of the spouses are neglected simply because of the amount of attention and care that children need. It is IMPERITIVE, if you want to have a long lasting marriage, they you keep each other at the forefront of your lives - yes, even above the kids. If you are not both happy parents, you will not be able to provide the kind of loving and nurturing environment the kids need to see and learn from. 

Many of us on here are living proof of the results of making your spouse second fiddle to your kids; and the pressure of a second child exponentially increases your chances of alienating your H. Trust me, if you do that, you will be headed for disaster. You have been warned!

Just my little bit of wisdom from experience. My W and I are paying for that now after 36 years; we didn't put the same value on each other that we did towards the kids. I wish someone would have beat that into our heads many years ago.

If you learn to change together and celebrate that change together you will have a far greater advantage of success in your marriage. You can still sit down with him and talk about how you feel and what you want for both of you.

BTW, what I am suggesting above in no way means that you should abandon the enjoyment and care of your children; they are precious gifts from God. But, just keep your partner in the center of it all - NOT ONE NOTCH BELOW. You sow what you reap so he will treat you the way you treat him; and vice versa. It really isn't rocket science when you think about it, it just takes work and mutual understanding.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, slow down. You don't know what's going to happen. You may be back tomorrow; you never know.

And even if you separate, you'll still be seeing him because of the kids. You will have time to work on your relationship, if you try.

And, even if you divorced, you can always end up back together.

Finally, you CAN have a life without him, if you have to. Millions of women in the same boat learn how to carry on.


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## malin (Jul 14, 2011)

thanks for that adivice i have sat down with him and talked rationally and tried to explain there are things that i know i must change in myself and that i did somany things wrong but he said he is just tired and feels like he wants to be alone yes i can have a life without him but to me it aint realy worth it i love my kids but at the end of the day no matter how busy i keep myself i will sleep alone and wake up alone and the next day will be the same .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then what you need to work on is yourself. Nobody should be so consumed by another person that life isn't worth living without them. Maybe that was part of the problem?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Men's top Emotional Needs are usually Sex, Admiration, and Recreation. That means they need to know you want to go to bed with them, they need to know you don't find fault with them, and they need to know you're fun to be around and not making them feel bad. Focus on that whenever you're with him, being the one person who provides those things. Never raise your voice (but do state your feelings), never blame him for things (rather, negotiate for what you want), always make sure time with you is fulfilling. 

Get the book His Needs Her Needs, by Harley, to learn what you can be doing differently. Show him the changes you are making. Reassure him that life with you doesn't mean being yelled at, nagged, or criticized.

He wants to be alone because being with you makes him FEEL BAD. Stop being the source of his pain.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

malin said:


> thanks for that adivice i have sat down with him and talked rationally and tried to explain there are things that i know i must change in myself and that i did somany things wrong but he said he is just tired and feels like he wants to be alone yes i can have a life without him but to me it aint realy worth it i love my kids but at the end of the day no matter how busy i keep myself i will sleep alone and wake up alone and the next day will be the same .


"..you will be alone." Well, that's not entirely accurate; you have one child and another on the way. And you MIGHT be alone for a short while. I know that is not where you want to go and everything seems really awful and right now; you are in despair. After a while, you will find someone else if you want that, and that someone else may be more than you ever dreamed of - that's just the alternative so you do not get yourself into the mode of thinking you will always be alone. Really though, slow down a bit and see what happens; your H is not completely gone yet so concentrate more on the beautiful daughter you will have. He'll come around one way or the other. He has no idea how he will feel when he sees his new daughter, I can gaurantee you that his feelings will be different for a little girl. Not that he doesn't love his son, but a daughter has a unique special bond with her dad. I know, I have two sons and a daughter; would jump in front of a train for my son's but my duaghter - well, there are no words that I can write here for that bond. Anyway, that's neither here nor there; you need to get yourself together for this child inside of you.

Give him a chance to cool off. If he hasn't told you he wants out, you are making a mountain out of a molehill. At least from your original post all I got out of it is that you had a bad argument. Believe me, he will TELL you when/if he wants out. An argument doesn't seal the deal; don't panic.


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