# Can you please tell me what he is thinking?



## favetrick (May 22, 2008)

My husband moved out a month ago and it was out of the blue. He had a safety net and he really does not trust it, aka another woman. I mentioned today that an old flame, now a great friend was coming to town. He got upset and started acting as if I was in a full on relationship and that he should not be around my son. This man is just a great friend, nothing more. Why does my husband act like everytime a guy talks to me that it is like I am having a full fledged relationship. My husband has moved out and when he talks about this girl his face is blank, not even a happy smile. I just do not understand what is going on with him.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Maybe he wants you to compete for him?

Maybe he wants you to think she is more for any number of reasons?

It is obvious he wants to think of you as a choice.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

When he talks about the other woman, is it in response to you asking questions about her? If so, he is probably afraid to show any emotion (doesn't want to hurt you) and hopefully a little ashamed/embarrassed to talk about her with you since he is admitting to breaking your marriage vows each time he talks about her.

In reading your other post re: your depression, what I would gather is that he still shows loving signs towards you but is afraid you will not really change in the long-run. I'm glad you are moving in a positive direction for yourself and pray he will take notice.

The more I hear about spouses that stray, I'm starting to think they have this pollyanna view that this new-found relationship is everything they were missing, but in fact it seems many had this in their marriage, it just needs to be brought back to the forefront. 

Logically, the other person is not perfect and if they choose to run to that, eventually their issues will surface and the spouse will be in the same boat. Why not work on it with the one you made your vows too and have children with? I guess being caught up in all the attention from someone new makes you throw logic out the window.:scratchhead:

Sorry, preaching to the choir but I hope he comes to his senses for the sake of you and your son.


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## favetrick (May 22, 2008)

I feel like he wants to have me as an option, in fact today he got upset with me because i am not readily answering his phone calls. No he speaks of this girl as if she is better than me but like I said no emotion and it is not to just me. It is like he is forcing it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

favetrick said:


> My husband moved out a month ago and it was out of the blue.


It wasn't out of the blue - despite that may be your interpretation. Odds are he had been considering it for some time.



> He had a safety net and he really does not trust it, aka another woman.


He has moved out, and is involved with another woman - and shares details of that relationship with you? Or, are you presuming his feelings regarding the other relationship? Who contacts whom, to engage in these discussions?



> I mentioned today that an old flame, now a great friend was coming to town. He got upset and started acting as if I was in a full on relationship and that he should not be around my son. This man is just a great friend, nothing more. Why does my husband act like everytime a guy talks to me that it is like I am having a full fledged relationship.


Your wording is interesting - it leaves the presumption that this man _is and has been_ a friend for some time - not a call 'out of the blue' that he was coming to town. Whether deliberate or not, you also infer that you have other male 'friends'. I'm not making any judgment - but if your husband was already feeling insecure about your relationship, having a man-posse of friends won't do much to alleviate those insecurities. Further, if you do have a number of male friends, I wouldn't suggest that you dump them - but simply weigh if the value of those friends outweighs the value you put on your husband and marriage.



> My husband has moved out and when he talks about this girl his face is blank, not even a happy smile. I just do not understand what is going on with him.


Do _you_ want to understand what is going on with him? Or do you just want him to come to his senses?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

favetrick said:


> I feel like he wants to have me as an option, in fact today he got upset with me because i am not readily answering his phone calls. No he speaks of this girl as if she is better than me but like I said no emotion and it is not to just me. It is like he is forcing it.


OK, this is just me, but if I were battling depression and my husband left and openly has another woman in his life, I would end all discussions with him other than those necessary due to your son. I just couldn't wait around feeling like Plan B and not suffer emotionally in that situation. 

Maybe he needs to fully embrace his new arrangement and not have the option of you waiting in the wings. Otherwise, what is his rush to work on your marriage or change anything?


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## favetrick (May 22, 2008)

I totally understand and I am not going to force him back into our marriage. I think if he comes back on his own it is bc he does love me however, I have stopped all sexual contact and anything besides talking about our son. Last night as a family we ate dinner and went to the park together. When it is him and I it feels like old times, the good times. It also is hard for me not to say I love you. Last night he was texting me just because, and called me hun. I love him more than words but right now battling depression is very hard. And he has said he knows I am trying to fight it.


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## Mark Spelling (Jun 11, 2008)

I have a theory.

I am not sure how long you were together before all of this happened and how long you have had a child. That being said I am in a situation in my marraige where I no longer feel as I did when I proposed marraige. That is not to say I regret it because we have had some great times and we now have two beautiful children. The problem is that there are so many changes to the way we act towards eachother I can hardly remember the couple we used to be. I used to come home from work (she does not work) to a beautiful looking woman in a nice clean house with a meal ready and a hug and kiss. All this followed by questions about how my day was. I in turn knowing that this was the effort from her I was receiving I would randomly stop off for flowers or call her early and tell her I would bring home a nice dinner so she could take a night off from cooking. Sometimes I would hire a cleaner for the house or send her to the spa. Now that we are several years into the marraige and have two kids I come home to a dishoveled home, a wife in sweats and a baggy t-shirt and am already in trouble for something that did not get done to her liking before I even put my breif case on the floor. All of these changes has caused a problem with intimacy thus leaving me asking myself questions about the ability or our relationship to stay true. 

What I am trying to say is maybe you two have lost what really brought you together in the first place. Is it possible for you to look back at the good times and see what you used to do for eachother on a daily basis and try to get back to those good healthy habbits? Now that is easier said than done. I am working on trying that now but am just getting started. It is a two way street so he will have to want to try it too. 

My folks have been together for 40 years and always said that the only way a relationship will truely work is if each party involved feels that they are doing more than their share of the work to keep it going. I dont know if it is good advice but 40 years is hard to argue with. Please keep me posted.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Mark Spelling said:


> My folks have been together for 40 years and always said that the only way a relationship will truely work is if each party involved feels that they are doing more than their share of the work to keep it going.


I think that's great advice. It goes along the lines of truly wanting your spouse to be happy & if both parties are selfless in that way the other feels loved and appreciated.


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