# 3 Months Past D-day update



## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi all

Well it is three months since my husband told me he visited a prostitute. He also has a history of verbal abuse when things don't go his way.

There have been lots of raw emotions, I asked him back and put the divorce on hold when he convinced me all had changed. When he came back he was all entitled and angry at me because I hadn't 'forgiven him yet and I should be over it by now'.

So I asked him to leave again and started the divorce again.

My husband recently went to two anger management weekends for his verbal abuse. I'm not sure they helped much! After the first one he was still blaming me for for our situation. 

I did say to him lets try marriage counselling as one last shot, to see if there is anything retrievable. He agreed and we also said we wouldn't put the house on the market yet, as it was all too much pressure. Let's just slow down, back off and concentrate on our marriage first, to make sure we are making the right decision. So we booked our first session of marriage counselling.

Last week his mood changed again from being agreeable to Mr Nasty. He decided that, after all, he did want the house up for sale and rang up two estate agents and signed a contract with one! He also said to me it would be a cold day in hell that he would go visit a marriage counsellor unless I put the divorce on hold again. I said I didn't feel comfortable putting the divorce on hold again but would not sign the divorce papers if I felt we were making good progress with the marriage counselling. My husband told me I had the weekend to think about what I wanted and I either put the divorce on hold again, or he won't go to counselling.

He went away for his second anger management weekend, came back to pick up his van last night. He was texting me over the weekend, telling me that he was sorry for being horrible and would I like him to cook dinner next week when he visits to see the kids? :scratchhead:

He also said he could come over next week as it was Mother's day so he could help. That's nice, I thought. I also said to him was there any chance he could have the kids overnight as they both had been ill lately and I was tired and hadn't had much sleep. He just laughed at me and said well that is tough, you asked me to leave and that is what it is like bringing up children. He had no sympathy for me.

It was mother's day yesterday and he came in with some chocolates. He had just been to his final (1 of 2) anger management weekends. We put the kids for bed and he then got angry at me again, as I had tidied up the house and cleared out clutter because he wanted to put the house up for sale? He said that I should have realised that he didn't really mean it. He mocked me and said he had never seen the mirrors so gleaming! I said in return that he seemed determined that is what he wanted. He also told me that if I was set on divorce that he wants to tell me that instead of the initially agreed proceeds from the house sale that he doesn't want me to have as much after all.

This guy is just crazy making. I really cannot wait to be away from him. Any time we try to back off and fix things, he just seems intent on having control over the situation and railroads me with his anger.

I just don't feel very good and a have a lack of confidence this morning. 

If anyone can just reassure me or give advice, I would really appreciate it.

Jen


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Jen,

Do you want to forgive him? If you decide to, you choose to live with his misbehaviour as well. 

You tried, and you are tired.

I think you should take some time really off and see.

Sorry you are dealing with this. Really bad.

Take care.
AU


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Jen , your going through a tough time . Your husband has no intention of changing and is using you as his whipping pole. File , keep him out the house if he disagrees and tries to enter the house calmly call the police. When they arrive let them know you are divorcing, he is hostile (refer them to the anger management course he is on by way of some evidence) and point out he has his own home. They will remove him. Buy a VAR and use it every time he contacts you.

For your own protection have a schedule and arrangement when it comes to his time with the children, he does not enter the house or stay their with them , he takes them offsite. He will soon find it is not so much fun havinging his day occupied. Try go as dark as possible with him , communicate in writing only about the divorce , financial matters or the children. Avoid all other discussions . 

Have you an attorney, if not get one. 

Do look after yourself once he is out of your life you will find your days will be more pleasant and rewarding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sheesh I would divorce him even if he didn't cheat


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow. What a jerk!! I would divorce him too even if he hadn't cheated. That is just NUTS.

I took a LOT of abuse from my ex before I finally left him for good. I had left twice before and kept taking him back. Looking back, I stayed way longer than I should have. WAY longer.

I hope you get to your breaking point soon, and by breaking point I mean that point where you finally realize he is never going to change.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Thanks all.

You are right I need to set boundaries regarding telephone calls and visits to the house/children. I emailed him and set out what I was and was not willing to accept. I also advised him that the divorce is continuing.

He text me to say that he received the divorce papers, so at least it is moving in the right direction.

My breaking point hit last night. If he comes back from an anger management weekend and is still angry, what is the point. 

When it is just me and the kids life is so peaceful, Even though it won't be easy to be a single parent family, I am just so looking forward to a quieter life without all this constant drama.

Jen


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

My H and I have fought like this, at times, and we are now in R. I understand how crazy-making it can be, and I am so sorry you are dealing with this. But the part that is hard to remember...is that it is a_* dance*_.

I hit my breaking point and decided life HAD to change. I looked around and realized we were having the same stupid fight we had 12 years ago! Do you ever feel like this? Like you have made solid progress....then he gets angry, goes back on agreements, changes his mind (midstream, on decisions that affect you) without telling you--- and then "informs" you later on of the change----?? Do you ever feel like you just loop back around so things just never get solved?

I told my H i would not consider R without a visit to his doctor--he has had major surgery and now has depression, so no more fighting, just checking out... obviously, no problems get solved this way either. Couple that with a tendency toward NPD/BPD traits.....and you have the crazy-making full force.

Lots of times, the spouse of this type (of acting out) leans toward codependency, like me and I suspect, you.

I had to stop needing him to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT in order to be OK. I had to gain emotional independence, and its good when you get there. Really good. 

He sounds completely lost and unsure of what he wants. He is blaming you for whatever happens. (Are you sure he's going to these AM weekends?) Don't take it. Stop waiting for him to decide what is going to happen with your life! You decide, right? A list of what you will and won't accept might help, but has he ever respected your "rules" in the past? No! So just don't negotiate, he will just turn it around, turn it into a problem or change his mind, right? Might be better to just say...

"It seems like you are really stressed out. I am sorry you don't feel well. I hope you feel better soon. I'm really sorry things didn't work out. Please take care of yourself." Walk away and DO NOT STOP THE FILING. Just stop the fighting. Your child will feel better and you will feel better.


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