# Do you really ever get over the betrayal?



## Lawyer101 (Jan 17, 2013)

This is my story that I posted on another forum on May 13, 2011:



> Never thought I would be on this website posting my story, but here I am
> 
> My wife (27) and I (30) have been married since September 2008 and have a beautiful 2-year-old boy. I have a very stressful career and about once every two weeks or so, I would go to a bar next to my work and come home drunk. I admit that I have an issue with alcohol and my wife always complained about these bar visits.
> 
> ...



It has been almost two years since I discovered that my wife was cheating on me with a bartender. Since then, I've divorced her and tried to move on. But, I must say that it has been an extremely difficult road, primarily due to the fact that I still love her. Since our separation, I have not been able to hold a stable relationship with any woman and have wasted thousands of dollars on emotionless sex with escorts. Also, my alcohol consumption is out of control. 

I am sick of my mind playing games on me. I am fine one moment, but the next, I am inundated with emotions of betrayal. I worked hard to make her happy, I held her hands during the difficult delivery of our beautiful son, I encouraged her to get enroll in college and not worry about her bills, I went out of my way to shower her with expensive gifts . . . but, in the end, she picked a player bartender over our son and me?!?! This does not make any sense to me and after that betrayal, I cannot find the courage to trust any other woman EVER again. 

Are these emotions normal . . . even after two years??


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

The emotions lession after awhile, but the mind movies just play over and over. I am at the twenty five year mark. Good luck David


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Obvious question but are you in any kind of individual counseling?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Lawyer101 said:


> Are these emotions normal . . . even after two years??


Sounds like you still have about 8 years of grieving to do... it gets easier every year though, you'll see... well, maybe not in your case, the drinking and escorts may do you in first.

Hang in there, you have a son, drop the booze and $$ babes.

T


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I think you know that alcohol alters brain chemistry. It altered your xW it lowered her inhibitions in an immediately destructive way. 

The paradox is that you drink to become relaxed and avoid being depressed. Yet overindulgence promotes depression, fosters negative emotions, and heightens anxiety. 

You will NEVER be able to sustain a relationship of any sort until your brain chemistry is restored. That's the main reason you haven't been able to form any sort of relationship with a woman. And don't delude yourself that reconciling with your ex will make things better. It won't. Not until you detox. 

Why don't you look into rehab. Serious rehab. Then seek IC. They are good first steps. If you continue along this path you will be a sadder and non-wiser man. Perhaps even unemployed. 

Good luck. Heal.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've read that it takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair.

You have extra issues with what sounds like depressino and alcohol on top of the pain from the affair. While some think that alcohol is a great way to forget your problems it can actually throw you into a deeper depression and make it harder to resolve your emotional issues.

Please see a doctor and couselor to get help for the depression and your alcoholism.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lawyer101 said:


> This is my story that I posted on another forum on May 13, 2011:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Perfectly normal. At this stage can I ask... have you tried counselling?

Would getting back with her be an option? Recently saw a story of a couple getting back together after 40 years.

And heavy drinking after finding out your wife is unfaithful is not uncommon. It happened to me, too. But don't stop drinking for you. Stop drinking for your son.:smthumbup:


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Sounds like you have been through a lot in less than 3 years. I think what you're feeling is normal. What your ex-wife did is anything but normal. Fooling around when she has a husband AND a 2 year old? Unbelievable.

Do you have custody of your son or do you share custody?

I know it's tough because I'm living a similar story although (thankfully) my kids are older. 

The great news is: you're still young. My advice would be for you to start hating your wife. I know that's not normally healthy advice, but I think it's healthier than "loving" her and destroying yourself because of it. You are still loving her memory - not the cheating liar she turned out to be. Your ex-wife cheated on you. She lied to you. She cheated on your son. If your drinking was a problem, she didn't have to cheat because of it. You deserved better.

Get into some counselling for yourself - try to get control of your drinking and stop loving your cheating, lying EX-wife. Hopefully after a brief period of hating your EX-wife, you will be able to tone it down into a mild indifference. 

The goal is to be a great Dad for you son and not care at all about your ex-wife.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Lawyer101 said:


> It has been almost two years since I discovered that my wife was cheating on me with a bartender. Since then, I've divorced her and tried to move on. But, I must say that it has been an extremely difficult road, primarily due to the fact that I still love her.


This will dissipate with time, although you may retain some unwarranted fondness toward her, even after many years.



Lawyer101 said:


> Since our separation, I have not been able to hold a stable relationship with any woman


Right now, you should be dating a number of women. With a high paying, professional job, you should be maintaining a soft harem of attractive women that you see in rotation. There is no need to force yourself into a new marriage just yet. How often do women hit on you?



Lawyer101 said:


> and have wasted thousands of dollars on emotionless sex with escorts.


In the 21st century this is completely unnecessary and stupid. There is an endless supply of horny women who are not inhibited by pesky old school Christian rules about sex. Using hookers is a very low gamma/omega male level act. Where do you place yourself on the Male Hierarchy?



Lawyer101 said:


> Also, my alcohol consumption is out of control.


Then you probably have a sorry physical appearance as well. Quit the booze and get rid of the beer gut. You probably need to find out how low your SMV really is.



Lawyer101 said:


> I am sick of my mind playing games on me. I am fine one moment, but the next, I am inundated with emotions of betrayal. I worked hard to make her happy, I held her hands during the difficult delivery of our beautiful son, I encouraged her to get enroll in college and not worry about her bills, I went out of my way to shower her with expensive gifts . . . but, in the end, she picked a player bartender over our son and me?!?! This does not make any sense to me and after that betrayal, I cannot find the courage to trust any other woman EVER again.


It doesn't make sense to you because you don't understand the nature of women. They are looking for the best genes possible (completely unconsciously) and you consistently demonstrated that you, despite your job, were a lower value male. When you do that, women are going to revert to feral form most of the time.




Lawyer101 said:


> Are these emotions normal . . . even after two years??


Absolutely.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

What's become of your son and your ex wife?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

L101

I remember your original post.

You need counseling. Get off the booze.

Is your wife still with the OM bartender?

You make it sound like your exw left you and your kid.

Give us your current history.

But if the booze and hookers are not making you happy then it is time for a major overhaul......

HM64


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I had a little too much red wine too often after DD. I stopped when I realized it made me so very, very sad after it made me feel mellow. Get some antidepressants, get a good therapist. Be open to the fact that you may need extra help because you may have a diagnosis of alcoholism. 

Yes I believe we get over it when we are ready... to let it go, let the WS/xWS go, etc. You have to assess the value of your life to You versus someone else. I wanted to start a thread for BSs regarding the bricks that laid the foundation of their confidence. You have to forgive and forgive yourself. Examine that for a moment too.


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## daviomaron (Jan 18, 2013)

I am at the twenty five year mark. Good luck David


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Lawyer101, sounds like me to a tee, in some respects. Brother, first off stop the booze. It numbs you and stops the necessary feelings to cope. For me it was noon some where, you follow. I gained a ridiculous amount of weight, coupled with taking pain meds. Never at the same time. 

In time the betrayal part lessons in time, 5 plus for me. I finally saw what i was becoming and got help (IC), if anything it allows you to puke all that garbage out and getting it off your shoulders. Exercise dude, it really, really helps. Plus in six months time you will probably get ripped and no longer need the escorts. 

You must move on, in time everything will calm down and you can focus on your life. Mainly your health, mentally it wrecks havoc. I hope my words help and it's all IMHO. Listen to the vets, there is a lot of wisdom here. Good luck.


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## Lawyer101 (Jan 17, 2013)

Thanks so much, all, for the great advice! I have been booze-free for a week now and you all are absolutely correct, I am seeing things more clear! Of course, it only has been a week and miles to go before I sleep . . . but the last time I didn't touch alcohol for one whole week was more than 2 years ago, so it's a personal achievement.

Machiavelli (one of my favorite philosophers, btw), your post especially resonated with me. I was what you would call a confident alpha male when I met my wife in late 2006. She was a part-time bartender and an aspiring actress [every other girl in LA is ]. She was the first person I truly fell for and that made me weak. 

She grew up in a dysfunctional family with an absentee alcoholic father. I think that caused my ex to constantly seek the attention of other men. This annoyed me while we were dating and drove me crazy after we got married. Indeed, there were couple occasions when my wife patently flirted with other men right in front of me. Also, every time she went out with her "girlfriends," she took the wedding ring off and placed it in her neck chain, just like Carrie did to the ring given to her by Aaiden -- yup, I loved my ex so much that I watched all of the Sex and the City episodes with her :scratchhead:

Her flirty ways and my love for her changed my image in her eyes from a confident alpha male to a "jealous" needy husband. I am pretty certain she had absolutely no respect for me and our son when she decided to "openly" cheat -- I say that because I am starting to suspect that she must have cheated on me before, but she tired to hide her indiscretions because I guess she still wanted to be with me. 

You are absolutely correct, Machiavelli, that I should work on getting my "groove" back and the link to the Dating Marketability Test was a real eye-opener for me! 

Happyman64, you asked for an update so an update follows: The relationship between the bartender and my ex did not last. I guess after I found out and left, it was not exciting enough for them to continue f***ing. 

It was not easy, but after I found the courage to leave and file for divorce, her life spiraled out of control. She dropped out of nursing school and started stripping at a fancy strip club -- yup, you read that right! She also started using cocaine and last I heard, she was in a relationship with another female stripper -- yup, you read that correctly, too!

I have 50% custody of the child and in light of her current lifestyle, I am thinking about asking the court to give me 100% custody. However, other than her new "profession," I have no concrete evidence of her drug use and it will be really difficult for me to argue to the Court that my ex should be stripped (pun intended) of her custody rights because of the moral repugnance of her profession. 

She also has been throwing hints around about getting back together. Indeed, after I wrote the original post yesterday, she texted me and asked whether I wanted to grab dinner with her. It took a lot of courage, but my response was a simple, "I can't, too much work." 

Of course, you already know about my life. I have been drinking heavily and have not had a serious relationship with anyone since the separation. On professional front, however, I have had a lot of success. Since the divorce, I have won three bet-the-company trials and recently was promoted to my firm's partnership. 

Anyways, notwithstanding the professional achievements, I remain depressed. With one week of sobriety under my belt and P90X DVDs in my hands, however, I am hoping to start my new life NOW!

Again, thanks all for the great advice!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

L101

Great up date and thanks.

Get your life together. You have the career. You have the kid.

Now all you need is your health.

And by health I mean alcohol free, rock hard muscles (ala P90X) and get yourself into a healthy relationship.

So I am guessing your Divorce is not final.

All I will say is sometimes the ones we love must fall. Sometimes the ones we love must fail.

And all we can do is encourage them to pick themselves back up, dust themselves back off and get their sh!t together.

I am not crazy about the stripping but with her past abuses maybe being a nurse is not a good idea either.

I hope one day soon in a few months, maybe *90* days, you can go out to dinner with her.

Hear what she has to say.

See if she is serious about not only you and your son but about getting her life back in order.

You do not have to say yes or no. Maybe is fine.

Bu she can look at you and know that you put your past behind you, that you are working on a better future for you and your kid.

And you can be the example she needs to get her ducks in a row......

And I pray you are strong enough to do that for her. Even if she does not deserve it.

Keep in touch and let me know how the P90 works for you. I am contemplating the program as well.

HM64


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Good to hear you are cleaning up. Her stripping is one thing but the cocaine use is a big concern though. Talk to your atty. about your concerns asap because this addiction spirals fast.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

The best revenge is to live well!
You are within reach of a stable recovery, carry on and keep us posted. 

You can be happy again!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry to hear where you are at. I am sure it is going to take time. I caught my wife 7/8/2011 We are in an R with lots of ups and downs. Right now is a done time for me

Keep off the booze and keep up the work out. Get a IC that will help a lot


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

WTF, you better get your sh1t together and stop defining your life with regards to to what this chick did to you.

Come on you made a bad choice and got screwed over, look who screwed you over, not a women that had the were with all to stay in school, the moral compass of a stripper and a women weak enough to use drugs. 

Granted I would be kicking my self if this chick turned out to be something great, but she didn't. Hell a week ago you went as far as to define your self with this chick by drinking!!!!!

Stop this crap and define your self by your own accomplishment. I'm no lawyer but bamb it, I'm a great dad.

So if any one should be defining you it should be your kid......

Get it????

Who's next in line for the-guy's 2x4....LOL


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## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

You must try and choose happiness and really try to move on

You must regain your self esteem and realize that you are worthy of being loved and that her betrayal is NOT a reflection of you

I think she has taken alot from you but you have to stop allowing her bad choices to have so much power over your life.

It might be very hard for you to trust in another relationship and that is very normal but you have to try, there is no gain with no pain.

Open yourself up , allow yourself to be available to have a relationship and find happiness.

I wish you the best


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Anyways, notwithstanding the professional achievements, I remain depressed.


You have two years of divorce behind you. What you described of your x-wife makes it clear that she is not going to help you in life; in fact she will damage you severely if you get involved with her again..

For you to be depressed and struggling with your drinking habit after two years seems that you are not recovering from your divorce or your personal problems.

*You need to get someone to help you; someone that has been in your shoes and is now successful in their personal life.*




> Do you really ever get over the betrayal?


*Yes but you will need help to get over it.*


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Lawyer------What are you doing to protect yourself against going out and tying one on---the next time you have a reversal---and there will come a day--when things do not go right---so again---how are you going to handle that---specially since you are responsible for a young child

What area of L A are you in---the valley--bev hills/brentwood---hollywood---pasadena/la canada/flintridge---manhatten/redondo/torrance---out east in the burbs----depending on the area you are in things can be easier to handle, than in other areas


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## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

Lawyerdude. How did she react when you filed? Did she try to get you back? Did she continue to go out with the bartender? Has she ever shown true remorse?


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## CHEATEDON12 (Jan 21, 2013)

I can relate to your emotional roller coaster. My husband cheated on me with several woman, EVEN MY PREGO COUSIN!

I think you have not given yourself time to really heal. Which means talking about this situation with a counselor and WITHOUT booze or woman. Don't use anything as a substitute to hide the pain; just hurt.

It's like going through surgery and then having to endure painful rehab but in the end, you will be 100% again. You just have to let yourself grieve and go through this. Heal you before you can move on.

Men are territorial so it's like someone else took your property w/o our consent; and that eats you up as well. Just know that your wife chose to hurt you. Divorcing her (if you knew she wasn't going to change) was the best thing that could have happened to you. I wish you the best and hope you find your peace and joy again!


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