# Hi, im not sure if Im way off........



## mumof8 (May 4, 2012)

Hi, Ive just come across this website and wondered if anyone might give me some advice please.
I have been married for 16 years and all was good and I never worried about a thing until recently. Now I have had pnd mildly, since our last child 2 years ago, but i feel ok, but maybe im not. Ive just recently found out that my husband has been texting a single female work colleague, he says for things to do with work. (he does work closely with her so its feasible). I asked him not to, but have found out that he still is but is deleting all the texts sent and received. I only found out because the bill came and it was weird, (had a credit etc. but its not important).
In the last week he textd her 20 times that I can see from the bill, but i dont know how many she sent. He says its just work stuff, but its at 10pm on a friday night and over the weekend etc, so i dont know how it could be to do with work. He first denied texting her, then said it was only a couple of texts and the bill was wrong, then he said it was work stuff, now he says its just work banter and he didnt want to upset me. His bill also shows he is using the internet on his phone after midnight, when im alseep, but he denies it strongly!
So do you think the amount of texts is too few to worry about? Can a bill be wrong with timings etc? Does his excuse that i am still fragile from post natal depression be valid? I just dont know what to think. Thank you all so much for any input!


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Asked him not to delete the texts and let you see them. If he has nothing to hide he will show you. If he is hiding stuff he will come up with excuses. Don't let him walk away. He will go and get in contact with this girl and if there is something going on he will tell her how to contact him without useing that phone. The bill is how I found out tons of stuff. It is not wrong the bill is pretty accurate. Mine even shows the location where the call was received and made (very handy in my case) though it did not show locations when she was texting.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

PND is definitely a contributor but if all you say is true, I would be suspicious too.

Continue reading here for tips on how to investigate.


----------



## mumof8 (May 4, 2012)

Thanks for your inputs, unfortunately he is visiting his mum tonight, (genuinely) but I didnt think to stop him.


----------



## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

Hi Mumof8 - I'm sorry you're having these concerns about your husband, but it's certainly understandable why you're feeling this way. While it's impossible to know exactly what's going on (if anything), you might find it helpful to read an article from Focus on the Family's website called "Warning Signs of an Affair." While working at Focus, I've also come to learn of a book called _Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It_ by Jerry Jenkins. I pray that everything turns out okay. God bless you!


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

after midnight thing could be true, many phones (iphone? android?) do auto update themselves after midnight. it goes to the net and downloads updates, etc...


----------



## mumof8 (May 4, 2012)

MiriRose said:


> Hi Mumof8 - I'm sorry you're having these concerns about your husband, but it's certainly understandable why you're feeling this way. While it's impossible to know exactly what's going on (if anything), you might find it helpful to read an article from Focus on the Family's website called "Warning Signs of an Affair." While working at Focus, I've also come to learn of a book called _Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It_ by Jerry Jenkins. I pray that everything turns out okay. God bless you!


Thank you so much for your kind words, I feel all shaky and haven't been able to eat at all today from worrying. Its not helping that he isn't answering his phone tonight!


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I agree it's suspicious. 

If it was innocent, the next time you said something, he would have handed you the phone and say, look through our texts, you can see for yourself what we're talking about.

Also, why lie about using the Internet after midnight? I think that's just weird. He tries to come up with an excuse when you have the truth in black and white.

Keep digging. Try to look at his phone when he isn't in the room.

IF YOU FIND SOMETHING, DO NOT TELL HIM HOW YOU KNOW. The reason for this is that he'll just change things, i.e., put a new password on his phone, or use a different method of communication, to avoid detection.

Always keep your methods close to your vest.

Wait to have some proof before confronting again.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Buy a VAR and place it under the seat in his car. Cheaters love to talk in their cars. 

Keep in mind it may be nothing.


----------



## ilgitano (Apr 2, 2012)

The element which me feel uncomfortable about your situation is that he deletes messages. This is a big red flag in my book. I agree with others that you need more evidence.


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

mumof8 said:


> Thank you so much for your kind words, I feel all shaky and haven't been able to eat at all today from worrying. Its not helping that he isn't answering his phone tonight!


Drink Ensure and at least eat one big meal. I was in the same boat last few weeks. Not eating won't change the outcome. I'm eating 2 times a day and 2 ensures. That is a step up for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mumof8 (May 4, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> after midnight thing could be true, many phones (iphone? android?) do auto update themselves after midnight. it goes to the net and downloads updates, etc...


Thanks for the info, he does have an android phone and I didnt know it did that.


----------



## mumof8 (May 4, 2012)

Thank you all for your messages, they are very much appreciated.


----------



## mumof8 (May 4, 2012)

have just noticed a pattern on the bill, everytime he send some texts to her, he then texts or phones me. Does that mean anything?


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Guilt, possibly.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

mumof8 said:


> have just noticed a pattern on the bill, everytime he send some texts to her, he then texts or phones me. Does that mean anything?


Looks like your H might be experiencing a bit of 'Cognitive Dissonance', where he's conflicted between the possible OW and you.

Or he might just like to get all of his texting and phone calls out of the way in one fell swoop.


----------



## mumof8 (May 4, 2012)

Well we have had it out for the last few days! First he didn't admit to texting, (which is strange as i had proof), then he did admit to it but said it was work connected. Then he said it was only banter about work, then he said it was to get in the boss's (the ow) good books. My head is spinning!
He says he deleted the texts/ didnt want me to know about it because im so fragile, (from having pnd) and that I would read something into it that wasnt there. He says all the texts were innocent, but I have no proof of that due to him deleting them all. He also told me on about the 3rd day of discussions that he stopped the texting of his own free will anyway because he suddenly 'woke up' and saw how bad it could look and that he didnt like going behind my back and also that every text he sent made him feel really guilty and sick. (but this was never mentioned on the first 2 days discussions) He has just been begging me not to leave him, says hes only ever loved me etc. etc. but I dont know what to think! He will not admit to being attracted to her, or that he was after any ego boost etc. i have a gut feeling that there is more but i dont know what to do now. He will not budge on anything any more. I have looked online at body language secrets etc. and his body language says liar, but how reliable it is i dont know.
I feel so sick, nothing seems to make sense, if he knew that I would be upset about the texts and they were making him feel so guilty to send anyway and since they were not even important texts, why did he feel so compelled to send them? Ive told him that I cannot even begin to resolve this whilst I dont feel I've been told the truth etc, and however hurtful it needs to come out to be dealt with and he just says Ive told you the truth. 
What can I do now, do I just have to decide to accept his truth and try to get on with it? As the only alternative seems to be letting this consume me thinking of what might have happened.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> after midnight thing could be true, many phones (iphone? android?) do auto update themselves after midnight. it goes to the net and downloads updates, etc...


Pit has a point about this.

Many smartphones auto-update after midnight.
Many of the apps on those smartphones run data transfers when they assume the user won`t notice the slow down (After midnight).

The rest sounds suspicious as hell.

Just tell him to stop deleting the texts so you can see that they really are work related.
If he balks or keeps deleting you need be very worried.


----------



## mumof8 (May 4, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Pit has a point about this.
> 
> Many smartphones auto-update after midnight.
> Many of the apps on those smartphones run data transfers when they assume the user won`t notice the slow down (After midnight).
> ...


----------



## mumof8 (May 4, 2012)

humanbecoming said:


> Why would he be begging you not to leave him if there nothing going on with her?


Exactly, he just says because it looks bad I might get the wrong impression. I cant work it all out, it just doesnt add up to me. I dont know if I just happened to catch it early on, or if its been going on for a while and is more than texts, I just dont know. He gave me his password to his email but all emails have been deleted too. Possibly co-incidence I know but just dont really know.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

mumof8 said:


> do I just have to decide to accept his truth and try to get on with it?


Yes, or at least you have to appear to be dropping it and moving on in a happy manner.


At least until the VAR you put under his car seat gives you some more info.

Tell him to stop deleting the texts.
Keep tracking the phone bill
Plant the VAR under his car seat.

Grit your teeth and wait.



Edit:

His e-mails all being deleted is also suspicious as hell.

Install a Key Logger on his PC


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You are seeing the famous "trickle-truth." Cheaters--betrayers of the marriage--liars--whatever we want to call them; they are engaged in behavior that they KNOW is wrong.

How do we know they know this? Well, they keep it all a secret from you. Because it would "upset" you. Why wouldn't they want to upset you? Well, that would be because it would make them feel really really GUILTY.

He ISN'T preoccupied with not hurting you. He's preoccupied with not getting caught. He's concerned that his lovely little bit of fun is about to be taken away from him. He is enjoying this tremendously--for whatever reason--and now you are messing that up.

This is a compulsion for him. He feels guilty, he knows he shouldn't, but he does it again. That's partly because there's a live human being on the other end. Who knows what she would do? Mess up his job? Embarrass him at work? Tell you? So there's good reasons to stay in this texting fun (it's very enjoyable and a fantasy escape from his real life) and there's also an element of danger to spice it up (having it be revealed). The mix is intoxicating and his is NOT going to give this up cold turkey.

He is likely going to find a way to communicate with her that is harder for you to discover.

You are far to early into this just "trust him" and accept his version of the truth. I should know--not only was my husband in an emotional affair via cell phone texting that went on for years, but here on these forums you will see it over, and over, and over. This behavior has very predictable ways of spinning itself out and you should learn as much as you can and take advantage of it.

Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, I found it very thorough and detailed and tremendously insightful into this type of behavior. You need to educate yourself, learn from the mistakes of others like myself.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I agree it's suspicious.
> 
> If it was innocent, the next time you said something, he would have handed you the phone and say, look through our texts, you can see for yourself what we're talking about.
> 
> ...


IMO, it is definitely suspicious. My husband's affair started off this way. Just friends met at a local cafe, he offered to take her to lunch, they texted texted texted, talked on the phone and eventually went away to have sex and continued for six months, until Dday. 

Nip this in the bud, or boot him out.


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Miri rose

It just seems that all the information in these types of books focuses on ways for the faithful partner to make the cheater stay faithful. 

I am seeing a MC and trying to work things out at my Cheating spouses request. Still, I feel like I am the one making more changes to keep him from straying again. 

I am getting to the point of why bother. I mean research shows that only 40 to 50 percent of spouses cheat.....Women are cheating at the same rate as men these days, BTW.

So, that means that 50 to 60 percent of those spouses are the faithful type without needing to be coaxed. 

I dunno, I have one foot out the door. I just want to be single and alone for awhile, methinks. I have always put my husband's needs and desires first and for what. Now he cheats and I am still supposed to coddle him and figure out what he needed to stay faithful. Geesh. 

In any case, I think this poor posters husband is definitely not he way to a full blown sexual-emotional affair....without a doubt


----------



## mumof8 (May 4, 2012)

Am I kidding myself then that he could possibly be telling the truth?
I feel total despair, I have 8 children and no idea what to do!


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

mumof8 said:


> Am I kidding myself then that he could possibly be telling the truth?
> I feel total despair, I have 8 children and no idea what to do!


He very well could be telling the truth.

It`s just that his actions are suspicious, especially for the posters on this forum.

Either drop it and see if anything else becomes suspicious or take some action to investigate.

I`m a pro-active kind of guy that`s why I just jump to the investigate mode.

At the very least request that he stop deleting the texts so you can be assured nothing is going on.


----------



## mumof8 (May 4, 2012)

Hello, I made my first post about a year ago and just wanted to update all the kind people who replied.
I decided, (probably because it was the easiest thing to do, given that I had a young baby, 7 other children and postnatal depression, besides i wouldnt have a clue how to do a keylogger etc.) to just give my husband the benefit of the doubt. He was super attentive and has seemed to make a real effort this last year. He gave me free access to his mobile and his email and to be honest never gave me any other reason to not trust him.
Because of the story inconsistencies at the beginning I never really felt 100 percent convinced on his claims about it all being innocent, but he would not budge otherwise.
Then this weekend, out of the blue, he tells me that he was really attracted to that other woman and that he instigated the whole thing with her. He said he never wanted anything from it because he loved me and didnt want to cheat on me, but he just got a thrill from a younger woman texting him. He still says all the texts were innocent work banter and nothing went on between them at all, not even meaningful discussions. He says he has told me now because he couldnt live with the lie anymore and he felt like I was not able to resolve it and move on, (which i did feel like in all honesty as his stories never made sense) until i had the truth.
So basically ive packed him off to his mums whilst i take all this in and decide what to do. I am much stronger now, but this news was still like a knife in me.
I dont know if there is more to come or if it did really get stopped in the early stages or not. He still works with this woman but has offered to change jobs to make me feel better. He has also stated that he feels nothing towards this woman anymore and that he loves me so much blah blah.......
I just feel disgusted to be honest, he cant possibly love me when he instigated this with a woman a few years older than his eldest son. Its feels to me like my whole marriage of almost 17 years has been a sham. I just need to think this through and decide what to do.
I wish I had listened to you all and had the strength to act a year ago!


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Well done for being strong on this! And yes, it was obvious there was more. Is he telling you the whole truth? Who knows. Only him. And the OW. It is up to you what to do now. There are ways of possibly retrieving stuff, you can retrieve deleted email absolutely. All you have to do is get in touch with the provider and get them restored. As for texts, highly doubtful. Though it all depends on what YOU want to do next. Good luck!


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

mumof8 said:


> Am I kidding myself then that he could possibly be telling the truth?
> I feel total despair, I have 8 children and no idea what to do!


Well ... the idea that he could be texting a woman at work is completely believable. I've worked on projects where that happened and it included late night texts and weekend texts. While of course we got to know each other and some texts could be considered personal in nature, there really wasn't anything going on and absolutely no chance of it being more. Any texts that would seem personal would also be mixed in with work texts ... I wouldn't receive/send a personal text right out of the blue. This one I'm thinking of in particular was the fiance of my boss who've I've been friends with since 1994. No line was going to get crossed.

What is suspicious is the lying and deleting evidence. If my wife asked me to see my phone when I've had texts like that, I would have been more than happy too. At this point, you can't be certain when all the "truth" has come out. I personally don't believe him and I don't believe that he was trying to protect you from being worried.

EDIT: Ha! I posted this without seeing the dates .... glad you were able to finally get more information. 

btw, I think it is entirely plausible that he loves you and was still enamored with the idea of a younger girl paying attention to him ... especially right after a baby and postnatal depression. I am not watering down the betrayal ... simply saying that yes, it is possible he loves you and loved you even then.


----------



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

mumof8 said:


> Thank you so much for your kind words, I feel all shaky and haven't been able to eat at all today from worrying. Its not helping that he isn't answering his phone tonight!


It's time for some creative investigation. Your gut doesn't lie the way a wayward spouse does. Women especially have amazing "gut senses" when it comes to affairs.

Best of luck - I hope you are the exception. Either way, you've got plenty of company on here to help you find the truth.


----------



## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

mumof8 said:


> Hello, I made my first post about a year ago and just wanted to update all the kind people who replied.
> I decided, (probably because it was the easiest thing to do, given that I had a young baby, 7 other children and postnatal depression, besides i wouldnt have a clue how to do a keylogger etc.) to just give my husband the benefit of the doubt. He was super attentive and has seemed to make a real effort this last year. He gave me free access to his mobile and his email and to be honest never gave me any other reason to not trust him.
> Because of the story inconsistencies at the beginning I never really felt 100 percent convinced on his claims about it all being innocent, but he would not budge otherwise.
> Then this weekend, out of the blue, he tells me that he was really attracted to that other woman and that he instigated the whole thing with her. He said he never wanted anything from it because he loved me and didnt want to cheat on me, but he just got a thrill from a younger woman texting him. He still says all the texts were innocent work banter and nothing went on between them at all, not even meaningful discussions. He says he has told me now because he couldnt live with the lie anymore and he felt like I was not able to resolve it and move on, (which i did feel like in all honesty as his stories never made sense) until i had the truth.
> ...


Hi again! Thank you for the update. It sounds like you're in a painful place right now.... I'm so sorry  

From what I could gather, it seems that your husband really loves you and wants to be truthful about his past mistakes. I know it's not easy, but I would rather my husband come clean with me and know that it is safe for him to tell me rather than keep it a secret and continue in dishonesty. There is an article that might help you right now -- it's from Focus on the Family (where I work) and discusses forgiveness and restoration in marriage. I encourage you to not give up hope for your marriage -- there is _always _hope! Please keep us updated on how things are going -- feel free to PM me. ((Hugs))


----------



## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

I'm guessing the affair has run it's natural course, and they probably broke up. H was feeling sad about it so turned to you for support. 

Well done for taking a stand. Investigate this thoroughly before making more decisions, my senses tell me there is more to come.

You are a real trooper - raising eight children - YIKES!

*Best of Luck - BE STRONG *


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

It is entirely plausible.

Having said that, what he has just done sounds exactly the same as what my ex wife did. She thought her affair was over and admitted an emotional connection to me. Told me she had "chased" him and that the other man was innocent and might not even have known she loved him.

I had had suspicions like yours for years; I had caught a deleted text years before and been on the look out since.

Long story short, she had been having an affair. Read (the beginning of) my story linked below for the rest.

I sincerely hope this isn't what has happened to you, but it sounds odd he admits to such a "small" thing 12 months later. I smell a rat.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Give him the benefit of doubt but beware of trickle truth. Ask for it all, persist, insist, or else you'll be starting from square one when you uncover more truth later.


----------



## mumof8 (May 4, 2012)

Thank you all so much for the replies.
He is still at his Mums but comes here daily telling me how sorry he is that he didnt tell me the truth from the start, because of how ashamed he was to tell me, as he feared I would hate him and divorce him. He is adamant that he stopped it when he suddenly 'woke up', one day and realised how much he loved me and his family and that it will never happen again. He doesnt seem to be blaming me for anything, or saying that there was anything wrong in our relationship etc. He just says it was exciting at first.
I still dont know what to think, I have booked a lie detector test and told him to tell me everything now. I also told him that if anything differs from what he has told me, either in the lie detector test or leading up to it then I wont even consider reconciliation.
He seems genuine, but I suppose they all do. It just seems to baffle me as to why he tells me this now, when he knew I always suspected it anyway. Guilty conscious maybe?
Thanks again for the support, I honestly so much appreciate it.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

mumof8 said:


> Thank you all so much for the replies.
> He is still at his Mums but comes here daily telling me how sorry he is that he didnt tell me the truth from the start, because of how ashamed he was to tell me, as he feared I would hate him and divorce him. He is adamant that he stopped it when he suddenly 'woke up', one day and realised how much he loved me and his family and that it will never happen again. He doesnt seem to be blaming me for anything, or saying that there was anything wrong in our relationship etc. He just says it was exciting at first.
> I still dont know what to think, I have booked a lie detector test and told him to tell me everything now. I also told him that if anything differs from what he has told me, either in the lie detector test or leading up to it then I wont even consider reconciliation.
> He seems genuine, but I suppose they all do. It just seems to baffle me as to why he tells me this now, when he knew I always suspected it anyway. Guilty conscious maybe?
> Thanks again for the support, I honestly so much appreciate it.


If you don't mind me saying, you have just guaranteed that you will not get The Truth.

If he admits something to you now, you have said it's over.

He may as well take the risk with the lie detector no matter what. The consequences are the same worst case.

Best case, the lie detector gets it wrong and he gets to lie.

Either way, you lose.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> after midnight thing could be true, many phones (iphone? android?) do auto update themselves after midnight. it goes to the net and downloads updates, etc...


Yeah but generally the phone is in a wifi network at the time and it shouldn't be showing up on the cell logs.

Unless of course they have no wifi.


----------



## mumof8 (May 4, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> If you don't mind me saying, you have just guaranteed that you will not get The Truth.
> 
> If he admits something to you now, you have said it's over.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your comment but I might not have explained it properly, i asked him for the full truth whatever it may be, if he wanted to stay with me and told him that I wanted a lie detector to confirm what he had told me and if he was to change anything on the day of the test or if he failed then it was game over, it all had to be in full and upfront right now.
He has had every chance to give me a full explanation, however bad it was, as I told him that we would try to work through it. If he has continued to lie then hopefully it will be picked up, although i know not always. He has been lying to me for a year now and life is too short to be quite honest. Ive always given him everything, to the point of exhaustion, he says that our love life is great, he gets plenty of attention, etc. and it obviously wasnt enough for him. I can't keep on wondering what he will come out with next and when and the only thing I can do for any kind of peace of mind is the lie detector, otherwise it will be over anyway on my part, as I have no starting point to rebuild the trust. We had counselling a year ago and nothing more came out so I just have to do it. I promised him I would try to make it work and this feels like all I can do. Its up to him now.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

mumof8 said:


> I appreciate your comment but I might not have explained it properly, i asked him for the full truth whatever it may be, if he wanted to stay with me and told him that I wanted a lie detector to confirm what he had told me and if he was to change anything on the day of the test or if he failed then it was game over, it all had to be in full and upfront right now.
> He has had every chance to give me a full explanation, however bad it was, as I told him that we would try to work through it. If he has continued to lie then hopefully it will be picked up, although i know not always. He has been lying to me for a year now and life is too short to be quite honest. Ive always given him everything, to the point of exhaustion, he says that our love life is great, he gets plenty of attention, etc. and it obviously wasnt enough for him. I can't keep on wondering what he will come out with next and when and the only thing I can do for any kind of peace of mind is the lie detector, otherwise it will be over anyway on my part, as I have no starting point to rebuild the trust. We had counselling a year ago and nothing more came out so I just have to do it. I promised him I would try to make it work and this feels like all I can do. Its up to him now.


Aha! Sorry, I interpreted it to mean that if he told you anything *now* that differed from the past etc.

Good luck with it. Please keep posting.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

mumof8 said:


> Thank you all so much for the replies.
> He is still at his Mums but comes here daily telling me how sorry he is that he didnt tell me the truth from the start, because of how ashamed he was to tell me, as he feared I would hate him and divorce him. He is adamant that he stopped it when he suddenly 'woke up', one day and realised how much he loved me and his family and that it will never happen again. He doesnt seem to be blaming me for anything, or saying that there was anything wrong in our relationship etc. He just says it was exciting at first.
> I still dont know what to think, I have booked a lie detector test and told him to tell me everything now. I also told him that if anything differs from what he has told me, either in the lie detector test or leading up to it then I wont even consider reconciliation.
> He seems genuine, but I suppose they all do. *It just seems to baffle me as to why he tells me this now, when he knew I always suspected it anyway.* Guilty conscious maybe?
> Thanks again for the support, I honestly so much appreciate it.


Yes, it would baffle me to. Perhaps he's being honest, but I have a feeling there's an alternative reason he's telling you. 

Maybe the affair has been going on for months, ended badly, and he feels the OW is a threat to spill the beans. Maybe her husband/bf found out about it. Maybe someone else at work.

Continue to investigate to see if you can find more. It doesn't smell right to me.

Good idea on the polygraph. Make sure you use a reputable one and that you ask the right questions. Perhaps one of them should be: Have you been completely truthful with your wife about your relationship with xxx.

Good luck.


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Yes, it would baffle me to. Perhaps he's being honest, but* I have a feeling there's an alternative reason he's telling you.
> 
> Maybe the affair has been going on for months, ended badly, and he feels the OW is a threat to spill the beans. Maybe her husband/bf found out about it. Maybe someone else at work.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## mumof8 (May 4, 2012)

Thanks all,
I will of course update everyone when there is anything.
x


----------



## mumof8 (May 4, 2012)

sorry for the delay in getting back to you all. Work redundancies have basically thrown all of this into the back seat so to speak.
Anyway an update, I got hubby to agree to a lie detector test and as you know, I told him that he had to give me the full truth now not on the day of the test. He swore he had told me all, then the day after I booked the test a full/ bit more confession came.
He told me that the whole point of the texting was because he wanted to sleep with the ow. He said he felt that I didnt seem to like him anymore (which is absolute rubbish as I always make a fuss of him, giving him massages, surprise him at his work with something nice for his lunch, I am more than happy to sleep with him whenever he wants), but he still insisted that he would never have done it, he just wanted an ego boost, to see if it was possible. He still says all the texts were just work banter/jokes etc. He still insists that she knew nothing about his motives, but how can a woman be text 10 times in a day by a married man and not suspect anything, even if the texts were just jokes about work? Im sure it would be odd to me!
So I cancelled the lie detector thinking the full truth would now come out now, but nothing more has and like I said the redundancy has overshadowed it all really.
I have found it hard to cope with tbh. I know nothing much went on compared to other marriages, but I feel totally unattractive, old and have no confidence in myself now. I trusted him and gave him everything I had but it obviously wasnt enough, so what else do I have to give him? He seems desperate for me to get over it and back to normal, but says he knows it will take time, but then seems upset when I ask another question. I told him that if he had given me the full truth from the start then it might have been well on its way to being dealt with, instead of throwing a different version on the story a year later. 
I might be being paranoid but Im sure the woman involved looks awkward when I see her. I try to smile and say hello, since if his story is to be believed, she had nothing to do with it, but she doesnt seem at ease coming and saying hello back to me and she was quite friendly before. I dont know, I seem fine for a while then I remember it all and I start thinking that he is still lying. I honestly feel like all this doubt is making me love him less.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

Thanks for the update.

It still sounds fishy to me; I wonder if he expected you to cancel the lie detector and threw a bit more truth to get you to do that?

Not sure what else you can do other than reschedule the poly but I do understand that would be hard to do and expensive too.


----------



## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

It does sound like the usual trickle truth plan, give a little more info to see if that will shut us up. I would go ahead with the lie detector.

And one of the most maddening part of my H' affair, after it was over, that he still wanted to protect her, as your's is, telling you he pursued her, she didn't know, it wasn't her fault, he dragged her back into it again, she's really a nice person etc.etc.etc., because he does not want the mess of you confronting her or exposing her to her H or SO


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

He says he has told it all....again. And yet he gets agitated when you ask another question! He wants to forget about it so it can all go back to normal....and yet he realises you will take time. 

These are all contradictory.

The contradictions highlight the fact he is still lying. Reschedule the lie detector ASAP (not so much that this is the holy grail of truth, they are not that reliable. More so to get the rest of the truth from him out of fear of being caught out)....or at least save for it. Make it your number 1 priority after all essentials.


----------

