# Why do relationships need to have a future?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Curious...

Is it not enough to just enjoy the romance and company, and let fate write its own tale?

Why does all companionship have to result in marriage, living together, kids, family, joint finances, yadda yadda yadda?


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

I wanted the love, safety, security, and sense of accomplishment that came from growing a family with someone I loved. Growing old with someone, *The Notebook* style. And only with that someone I loved. I believed in "two become one." Not anymore. Been there, done that, failed. Never again.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

If your goal is to have children, there is a huge difference. If you plan on not having kids, then it doesn't matter at all.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

They don’t just have to find the right woman


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Marriage is not only about loving a spouse in your life, but about legal financial matters as well. In my place of employment, you cannot insure a live-in girlfriend or boyfriend in your employer's plan. You must be married (heterosexual or same-sex). The certified & legal marriage certificate must be on record for the spouse to have health insurance coverage.

As for other financial matters such as bank accounts & credit cards, that is up to the couple to decide. However, one must be cognizant that many, if not all U.S. states, give both parties accountability for debts accrued during the marriage. 

In addition to the above, it is difficult to walk away from a marriage which has a contract than a living together arrangement. You have to work out your problems with your spouse as financial matters are entangled in your affairs. Overall, a legal marriage gives you both psychological & financial security if both parties honor the written and verbal agreements.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Who said that it does? I had several relationships before I married. When I married we were non monogamous and had no children. I travelled the world and we relocated 13 times and are living in our 9th house. We lived in a poly triad for most of our 45 years of marriage. We bought whatever we wanted due to my high income and lived the way we wanted to. We have had a great life bending it to our will when possible. I am one of those guys who has everything go his way even when it seems like a disaster has happened that turns into being in a better place with a higher salary.

I think most people tend to follow what society has told them to do. We never did that because we tend to think on our own and not into other people's vision of life and marriage. I had a few relationships outside of our triad as did our girlfriend. They were just fun flings and ended when it became boring. Our girlfriend got married sometime during our relationship to a guy she found online who was OK with sharing her with us. Never a problem and we even socialized with him on a few occasions. 

When I saw my wife on a train, I told my friend sitting next to me. He dared me to ask her on a date and I will never forget this, I told him that not only will I date her but will also marry her. Three weeks later we were engaged. For the both of us it was love at first sight and the feeling that we would be together forever is real and still going in our golden years. Our marriage was not built on the foundation of monogamy, the thing we are taught that was necessary for a good marriage despite a 50+% fail rate. We structured our own marriage built not on monogamy but on the knowledge that we would be together no matter what. We were able to have sex with others putting our marriage and each other before all others. So you do not have to do what others do. There were many like us in our life. Lots of non monogamous friends who played with others, shared a girl or a boyfriend. We are out there but you need to know where to look.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Cromer said:


> I wanted the love, safety, security, and sense of accomplishment that came from growing a family with someone I loved. Growing old with someone, *The Notebook* style. And only with that someone I loved. I believed in "two become one." Not anymore. Been there, done that, failed. Never again.


So what do you look for now? Society's response to "never again" is always "never say never", and they think to not want all this "notebook" style relationships is a negative thing.



TheDudeLebowski said:


> If your goal is to have children, there is a huge difference. If you plan on not having kids, then it doesn't matter at all.


Most women seem to want kids =/

Especially around my age they are now mostly panicking about their body clock. Maybe I need to wait 10 more years, or become a toyboy for an older woman who's had enough of the yaddas.



Wolf1974 said:


> They don’t just have to find the right woman


They seem to hide, sometimes in plain sight >.<



Roselyn said:


> Marriage is not only about loving a spouse in your life, but about legal financial matters as well. In my place of employment, you cannot insure a live-in girlfriend or boyfriend in your employer's plan. You must be married (heterosexual or same-sex). The certified & legal marriage certificate must be on record for the spouse to have health insurance coverage.
> 
> As for other financial matters such as bank accounts & credit cards, that is up to the couple to decide. However, one must be cognizant that many, if not all U.S. states, give both parties accountability for debts accrued during the marriage.
> 
> In addition to the above, it is difficult to walk away from a marriage which has a contract than a living together arrangement. You have to work out your problems with your spouse as financial matters are entangled in your affairs. Overall, a legal marriage gives you both psychological & financial security if both parties honor the written and verbal agreements.


Security... >.<

I dunno, I grew up with the rule that I must be dependent on no one. A woman with the same mentality, so rare.



Vinnydee said:


> Who said that it does? I had several relationships before I married. When I married we were non monogamous and had no children. I travelled the world and we relocated 13 times and are living in our 9th house. We lived in a poly triad for most of our 45 years of marriage. We bought whatever we wanted due to my high income and lived the way we wanted to. We have had a great life bending it to our will when possible. I am one of those guys who has everything go his way even when it seems like a disaster has happened that turns into being in a better place with a higher salary.
> 
> I think most people tend to follow what society has told them to do. We never did that because we tend to think on our own and not into other people's vision of life and marriage. I had a few relationships outside of our triad as did our girlfriend. They were just fun flings and ended when it became boring. Our girlfriend got married sometime during our relationship to a guy she found online who was OK with sharing her with us. Never a problem and we even socialized with him on a few occasions.
> 
> When I saw my wife on a train, I told my friend sitting next to me. He dared me to ask her on a date and I will never forget this, I told him that not only will I date her but will also marry her. Three weeks later we were engaged. For the both of us it was love at first sight and the feeling that we would be together forever is real and still going in our golden years. Our marriage was not built on the foundation of monogamy, the thing we are taught that was necessary for a good marriage despite a 50+% fail rate. We structured our own marriage built not on monogamy but on the knowledge that we would be together no matter what. We were able to have sex with others putting our marriage and each other before all others. So you do not have to do what others do. There were many like us in our life. Lots of non monogamous friends who played with others, shared a girl or a boyfriend. We are out there but you need to know where to look.


Where to look?

Ah... a train... and 3 weeks later marriage? =O What kind of train was it? The "love rail"? lol

You must be Irish, your luck is too... you know!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

They don't have to follow that path, but it is usually beneficial for children, if you want them.

Why do relationships need to follow the serial monogamy model?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Curious...
> 
> Is it not enough to just enjoy the romance and company, and let fate write its own tale?
> 
> Why does all companionship have to result in marriage, living together, kids, family, joint finances, yadda yadda yadda?


I don't think it should or does. However much of society does, especially women. Many women have been shamed into believing that a relationship must lead to commitment, otherwise they are somehow less than desirable. Look at some of the responses from women here on TAM. One woman will start to lament about some issue she has with a relationship she is in, and then get lambasted for having sex too soon. Mainly by other women.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

Read "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" by Dr. Willard Harley.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

sdrawkcab said:


> Read "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" by Dr. Willard Harley.


You could be all three simultaneously. It depends on what you want, from whom, and what they want.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> You could be all three simultaneously. It depends on what you want, from whom, and what they want.


Exactly! It's up to the individual(s) to determine who they are and what they want within the context of a relationship. The OP's question is too big to be placed into a formula. Too many variables. And whether I think a relationship needs a future (i.e., marriage, kids, etc) is irrelevant to what the OP is looking for.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Curious...
> 
> Is it not enough to just enjoy the romance and company, and let fate write its own tale?
> 
> Why does all companionship have to result in marriage, living together, kids, family, joint finances, yadda yadda yadda?


Clearly, it doesn't. 

Think back to your first middle school dance. You took a girl. You had some fun and you enjoyed each others' company. You didn't expect to marry each other.

Growing up doesn't mean that has to change, unless your life goals have changed. For most, it does, but there have always been "terminal bachelors." With modern economic equality and sexual freedom, now there is no reason for there not to be "terminal bachelorettes" as well. Social mores are starting to recognize that. 

Look also at many divorcees. They have no intention of ever going through that again, but that doesn't mean they don't seek and enjoy companionship and relationships without the expected lifetime commitment. Especially if they're past having any more children. What's the point?

I do find it interesting, however, that you pose this query about the same time you start another thread about clicking with a married woman. The timing makes your intent rather suspect.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Curious...
> 
> Is it not enough to just enjoy the romance and company, and let fate write its own tale?
> 
> Why does all companionship have to result in marriage, living together, kids, family, joint finances, yadda yadda yadda?


Sure, you can do whatever you want with your life. Personally, I've found myself resisting all of these commitments because they sometimes make me think of "the white picket fence" life. I tend to resist being pushed into any particular mould, as I'm sure many do. I don't like the idea of my life being pre-determined. 

I think the resistance to these things comes from fear and wanting to feel autonomous. By the same token, humans are social so we naturally want to be around others. We also need strong bonds and trusting relationships because this is what helped us survive in the past and probably helps us thrive in the present. Whether that leads to what society has moulded for us is your own prerogative. 

Speaking from my own personal experience, being in a marriage has helped me heal childhood wounds, work through some traumatic sh*t, and work towards my long-term goals. Unfortunately, with all of my personal growth and change, it has also led me in a different direction from my husband. The security, love, and trust that comes from true commitment is unlike any other. I'm willing to accept the bad that comes with it because I just don't enjoy the single life/playing the field nor have I ever.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Clearly, it doesn't.
> 
> Think back to your first middle school dance. You took a girl. You had some fun and you enjoyed each others' company. You didn't expect to marry each other.
> 
> ...


Maybe I should stick to divorcees. Perhaps it's not wise to go for single never-married women who still dream of the fantasy of committed relationships when there are women who've been there, done that, and may be more open to non-committed relationships.

As for my query and other thread, this thread is to help me find a distraction (aka, a new SINGLE FWB) so I wouldnt be so vulnerable to foolish temptations such as what is occuring now.



purplesunsets said:


> Sure, you can do whatever you want with your life. Personally, I've found myself resisting all of these commitments because they sometimes make me think of "the white picket fence" life. I tend to resist being pushed into any particular mould, as I'm sure many do. I don't like the idea of my life being pre-determined.
> 
> I think the resistance to these things comes from fear and wanting to feel autonomous. By the same token, humans are social so we naturally want to be around others. We also need strong bonds and trusting relationships because this is what helped us survive in the past and probably helps us thrive in the present. Whether that leads to what society has moulded for us is your own prerogative.
> 
> Speaking from my own personal experience, being in a marriage has helped me heal childhood wounds, work through some traumatic sh*t, and work towards my long-term goals. Unfortunately, with all of my personal growth and change, it has also led me in a different direction from my husband. The security, love, and trust that comes from true commitment is unlike any other. I'm willing to accept the bad that comes with it because I just don't enjoy the single life/playing the field nor have I ever.


Hmmm... guess that's the thing, I like the single life, the romance, the fun, the sex, I can't stand the commitment and even when I first joined this forum so many years ago I was already having difficulties adjusting to the marital lifestyle. The routine, the ball and chain... never again!



Ynot said:


> I don't think it should or does. However much of society does, especially women. Many women have been shamed into believing that a relationship must lead to commitment, otherwise they are somehow less than desirable. Look at some of the responses from women here on TAM. One woman will start to lament about some issue she has with a relationship she is in, and then get lambasted for having sex too soon. Mainly by other women.


Funny really, considering "good girls" are now undesirable for me. Not because they are undesirable at all, but what they want is not what I want or willing to give.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

RD, just date younger women whose biological clock has a little more time left on it!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Bananapeel said:


> RD, just date younger women whose biological clock has a little more time left on it!


But younger women are even more vulnerable to developing feelings during intimacy


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> So what do you look for now? Society's response to "never again" is always "never say never", and they think to not want all this "notebook" style relationships is a negative thing.


I am all for telling society to "go screw".


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> But younger women are even more vulnerable to developing feelings during intimacy


 It really depends on the individual. I've seen 35 year olds talk about being in lurv after casual sex with a FWB or ONS. There is a theory that men aren't as prone to falling prey to the bonding hormones released during intimate contact because their higher testosterone levels give them a bit of immunity.

I think you should look among driven career women who do not want marriage or kids, divorced women who don't want another marriage and (more)kids, widows who want nothing more than occasional companionship, or women in open marriages who practice ethical non-monogamy.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> It really depends on the individual. I've seen 35 year olds talk about being in lurv after casual sex with a FWB or ONS. There is a theory that men aren't as prone to falling prey to the bonding hormones released during intimate contact because their higher testosterone levels give them a bit of immunity.


This has NOT been my experience past my 20s.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

purplesunsets said:


> Sure, you can do whatever you want with your life. Personally, I've found myself resisting all of these commitments because they sometimes make me think of "the white picket fence" life. I tend to resist being pushed into any particular mould, as I'm sure many do. I don't like the idea of my life being pre-determined.
> 
> I think the resistance to these things comes from fear and wanting to feel autonomous. By the same token, humans are social so we naturally want to be around others. We also need strong bonds and trusting relationships because this is what helped us survive in the past and probably helps us thrive in the present. Whether that leads to what society has moulded for us is your own prerogative.
> 
> Speaking from my own personal experience, being in a marriage has helped me heal childhood wounds, work through some traumatic sh*t, and work towards my long-term goals. Unfortunately, with all of my personal growth and change, it has also led me in a different direction from my husband. The security, love, and trust that comes from true commitment is unlike any other. I'm willing to accept the bad that comes with it because I just don't enjoy the single life/playing the field nor have I ever.


I am not sure if I am reading you correctly but you appear to say the resistance to the commitment and "white picket fence" mentality come from fear. I would suggest the exact opposite to be the case. Many would rather comply with those ideas than strike out on their own to forge their own way in the world. This the OPs question about why do some think that the end result must be a marriage or other committed relationship.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I wish the dating pool has more people like you guys


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> This has NOT been my experience past my 20s.


It's by all means not universal. There are plenty of women who've BTDT and do not want to do it again. There are also plenty in the 30's and 40's who are trying to find a mate for marriage and children. There are also plenty who don't want children because they've raised theirs or never felt the need to become mothers who are still looking for marriage. They may be happy to have a bit of fun with a handsome charmer knowing it's not going anywhere, but their goal is still to seek out a man with the intent to marry.

I was pointing out to Random Dude that age and even previous marriages with kids already near grown aren't even close to a guarantee the woman isn't looking for a husband and maybe even a(nother) family.

If you've ever been a gamer you might know the phrase "bind on pick-up". The phrase refers to loot that you cannot sell or trade. If you pick it up off the boss who dropped it, it's yours. For a while there the phrase was also used to describe women who got way too attached after a casual encounter. There are plenty of bind on pick up people out there of both sexes and age doesn't factor into it. It's who they are.

In game, BOP items are labeled. BOP people don't come with labels, unfortunately. Lots of time and trouble, for both the BOP and the person who doesn't want BOP, would be saved if they did.



RandomDude said:


> I wish the dating pool has more people like you guys


It's not like everyone on this forum wasn't swimming in the dating pool at one point or another. Some still are. There's hope!


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Curious...
> 
> Is it not enough to just enjoy the romance and company, and let fate write its own tale?
> 
> Why does all companionship have to result in marriage, living together, kids, family, joint finances, yadda yadda yadda?


im not sure about how everyone else feels, but i didnt get married for the romance and company. i wanted life partner.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

As'laDain said:


> im not sure about how everyone else feels, but i didnt get married for the romance and company. i wanted life partner.


Is not providing company part of being a life partner?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Is not providing company part of being a life partner?


sure, but i am not in my wifes presence for most of the year. each year i deploy with a totally new set of people, most of whom i have never met, and for three or four of the six months i am home go all over the country and train with people i have never met. 

the partnership is more important to me than the company, or i would leave my job, or simply not be married.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

As'laDain said:


> sure, but i am not in my wifes presence for most of the year. each year i deploy with a totally new set of people, most of whom i have never met, and for three or four of the six months i am home go all over the country and train with people i have never met.
> 
> the partnership is more important to me than the company, or i would leave my job, or simply not be married.


Congratulations on finding a partner who is also comfortable with that arrangement. It's not for everybody.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Congratulations on finding a partner who is also comfortable with that arrangement. It's not for everybody.


she isn't comfortable with the arrangement. neither am i, really. but it is what it is.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

As'laDain said:


> she isn't comfortable with the arrangement. neither am i, really. but it is what it is.


I guess "comfortable" was too strong a word. "Tolerant" sounds more appropriate. In any case, glad y'all are making it work.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Curious...
> 
> Is it not enough to just enjoy the romance and company, and let fate write its own tale?
> 
> Why does all companionship have to result in marriage, living together, kids, family, joint finances, yadda yadda yadda?


I feel like we are indoctrinated from our earliest memories that we need to rely on other people to live. It is, of course, true in many ways, but "love" is lumped in with food, water, sunlight etc. We're told you have to fill other people's needs for them to love you and they have to fill yours. We aren't encouraged to fill our own needs until the **** hits the fan and we're suffering from beliefs held for a lifetime. We get bombarded with information about love and so much of it seems to encourage the idea that you should feel like you couldn't live without them. You have to hold onto them at all costs. Your very survival depends on it.

I don't know if I'll ever find someone I want to be intimate with again, but if I do, I hope I have reached the place within myself that means that I don't need them, that I can enjoy their company while they are with me, and enjoy my own when I'm alone and if they choose to leave, I don't have to let go, because I was never holding on. I thought I had this to some extent in my last relationship, but the suffering I've been through over the last six or so weeks has encouraged me to really delve deeper into exploring that belief.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

breeze said:


> I feel like we are indoctrinated from our earliest memories that we need to rely on other people to live. It is, of course, true in many ways, but "love" is lumped in with food, water, sunlight etc. We're told you have to fill other people's needs for them to love you and they have to fill yours. We aren't encouraged to fill our own needs until the **** hits the fan and we're suffering from beliefs held for a lifetime. We get bombarded with information about love and so much of it seems to encourage the idea that you should feel like you couldn't live without them. You have to hold onto them at all costs. Your very survival depends on it.


Really? Well... maybe that explains why I'm so weird.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Like finding teeth on a hen.

Good luck.

Theres always porn!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Really? Well... maybe that explains why I'm so weird.


Well, obviously nothing applies to everyone (except death). That might have nothing to do with why you're weird.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

All these discussions we have about meeting each other's needs in a relationship. If it's a need, does that mean it's not filled unless we have a partner or does it just pop into existence when we form relationships? If we can fill our own needs, why do we choose to let someone else become responsible for that need? Are many single people walking around feeling empty just looking for someone to fill these needs in their lives?


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## Todd Haberdasher (Apr 23, 2017)

When I started dating this one girl, I had a goal: I was going to break up with her in ninety days. I did this because in my previous relationships I was taking things too seriously, as in, I was thinking about our children after our first date went well. Then when we broke up, it felt like I had gotten a divorce.

Anyway, the girl I was supposed to break up with had been misleading me about her birth control usage, and now we are married with two kids.

What was the original topic again?


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