# Should I move in with bf or not?



## ech99 (Feb 20, 2012)

Hello everyone! 
I need some advice here please. I have been with my bf for 6 months. It has been wonderful! Except he is a bit controlling, does not like me going out with my friends and all. Besides that he has treated me better than any man I have been with. I know you all are going to say it is way to soon, but we put a deposit down on a house so we can live together. We both have children from previous marriages. They are all good with it. My problem is- my plan for the future is to be married again (in the future, not soon). I asked him when we met if he could see himself ever marring again, he said no, when his kid graduates, he's off to florida. Now I told him I was getting cold feet on the move cause I dont want to "play house" for 8 years and have him bail. Suddenly his views changed, he can see himself getting married again someday, and is totally in love with me ect....I asked how can you change just like that? He said I have changed his views on marriage and he now wants me to go to florida with him when the kids are grown and all that. I want to believe him, he has never lied. 
Any thoughts? Thanks!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ech99 said:


> Now I told him I was getting cold feet on the move cause I dont want to "play house" for 8 years and have him bail. Suddenly his views changed, he can see himself getting married again someday, and is totally in love with me ect....I asked how can you change just like that?


His view changed only because you got cold feet. He wants to live with you but not get married. By telling you that his view changed he bought himself 8 years with you and hopes YOU will change YOUR mind by then.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Honestly? Do not move in with this guy; if he really wants you tell him to put a ring on your finger first. He's already demonstrated that he's quite capable of changing his mind when things aren't going his way...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Honestly? Do not move in with this guy; if he really wants you tell him to put a ring on your finger first. He's already demonstrated that he's quite capable of changing his mind when things aren't going his way...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## JT2012 (Feb 20, 2012)

I think you already know that you shouldn't be moving in with him. Controlling after 6 months? Saying whatever needs saying to get what he wants? NO NO NO.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'd be more concerned about the "he is a bit controlling, does not like me going out with my friends and all" part. 

This kind of thing does not get better with time and often gets worse. If you are living with him, that will give him even more opportunity to monitor what you are doing and when, which means even more opportunity for him to be controlling. 6 months of new relationship honeymoon when he would be on his best behavior and you don't live together is not the same as when the true colors come out and you see him for who he really is. (For that same reason, I wouldn't trust his sudden change of heart on marriage, either).

What is the rush to move in together about? Why do you want to live with him?


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## JT2012 (Feb 20, 2012)

I have to agree with norajane - why the rush to be living together and the rush to be married? Seems a lil abnormal.


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## ech99 (Feb 20, 2012)

Thank you for the replies. I am not sure what the rush is to live together. We just love to be together all the time I guess. But I do have to agree on the sudden change of heart. If I tell him to "put a ring on it first" I feel like that would be pressuring him into it, then he would resent me. So I dont know what to do.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

NO.

6 months isn't long enough anyway, despite his personality issues.

Are you serious about moving in? You made him sound like an a-hole and I'm sure you see the signs, WHY DON'T YOU TRUST YOURSELF? 

Don't do it. In fact, break up with him now. Count your losses (6 months, not 6 years) and trade up!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just date and have fun.

Date other people. If he's controlling NOW, he'll be crazy in a year.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

ech99 said:


> Thank you for the replies. I am not sure what the rush is to live together. We just love to be together all the time I guess. But I do have to agree on the sudden change of heart. If I tell him to "put a ring on it first" I feel like that would be pressuring him into it, then he would resent me. So I dont know what to do.


I understand that, and I completely agree about never pressuring a man into popping the question, but the discussion of marriage obviously has come up, and he said at the time that he wasn't interested. I'd proceed with extreme caution. If you move in with him, and 8 years down the road he's off to FLA without you, it's safe to say that you will be the one harbouring resentment.

Good luck!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

before marriage, know someone about 2 years. Good wisdom.

6 months for marriage is no bueno. Most people want to be around each other ALL THE TIME in the first year of dating.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

ech99 said:


> Thank you for the replies. *I am not sure what the rush is to live together.* We just love to be together all the time I guess. But I do have to agree on the sudden change of heart. If I tell him to "put a ring on it first" I feel like that would be pressuring him into it, then he would resent me. So I dont know what to do.


If you aren't even sure what the purpose is in moving in together, you really shouldn't do it. 

It takes a lot of effort to change your whole life around to move in with, and become dependent on, someone. (And you will be dependent on him pulling his own weight financially and otherwise when you share a household). It takes a lot of effort to learn how to live together, to compromise when needed, to let things go when needed, to learn to be a team rather than two people sharing a house, and to learn how and when to give each other space. That kind of hard work shouldn't be entered into lightly or without even knowing what the reason is for it.

You can spend as much time together as you want without moving in together. And since you've only known each other 6 months, if you learn about more and more things that you don't like or aren't compatible in the next 6 months, you don't have to wait until a lease is up in order to move on.


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## ech99 (Feb 20, 2012)

very true- we're still in the whole "honeymoon" phase. I did not mean to make him out to be a jerk. He is a great guy, to me and my kids. Its just those few things that are red flags to me. I am going to sit him down tonight and ask him again, why the sudden change of heart. I want SO bad to move forward- but my gut feeling is telling me no. we talked about it while he was at work today (texting), he said we are in this together, forever. I told him my "plan" for the future AGAIN. (to be married) and he said he is on the same page 100%. Maybe people do have a change of heart I dont know.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

Don't do it! Why give him he benefit of marriage without the ring? I'm sure as soon as you move in he is going to expect everything he would expect of a wife. What about your child? You want to move your child in with a man you've been dating for six whole months? How well do you really know him? 

You also need to think real hard about his controlling behaviors. Like Maya Angelou said: The first time someone shows you who they are...believe them!!! Now he wants to change his story but I'd stick with his first response. Someone who changes their mind that easy is shady. A controlling partner who rushes you into co-habitating and is willing to tell you what you want to hear. Red flags are all over this one if you care to pay attention.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You have KIDS? You have kids and you're contemplating moving in with someone you have only known 6 months and is ALREADY showing controlling behavior?

Holy crap.

You have children. They come first. Keep your dating life separate from your kids' lives until it's super serious (almost engaged) and you've known the guy for a long while. I dated a TON as a single mom--- no one met my kid.

Listen to your gut. ALWAYS in these situations.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Nope, I would end the relationship and find someone who does not try to control you. Control like that is abuse. You will live one miserable life if you choose to stay with this man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

He changed his mind because he is a control freak, and you put your foot down and made a decision on your own which took control power away from him. He's now re-configuring the game plan to accommodate his need for control. If you agree to his plan, you give him back his power.

Back off the move-in plan and even consider leaving this dude, you're looking at a very bad future with him. Ignore these warnings at your own peril, because controlling could just be the beginning...

You say he treats you better than any other man you've been with, but that doesn't make him a good man. It could be you just have really low standards that you would accept someone controlling in your life.

Good luck.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I think that nothing is lost by waiting to see where this relationship is going, and you could be very sorry if you become too enmeshed with a man who is wrong for you.


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## ech99 (Feb 20, 2012)

I think you are all right- I just dont want to see it. Its not that I have low standards, I just have always pick the wrong men, but have gotten seen that and left. And "thatgirl"- yes, we have children, and he was a friend for years before we started dating. So my kids already knew him. They love him, my oldest son is Autistic and I have never seen him open up to a man as much as he does my bf. So to see that end would be very sad to me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, you now see what we see...you can't stay blind to it.

I used to do things like this and realized that whatever I was thinking was 'right' was actually wrong..so I would do the opposite of my instinct and it changed my life. 

You have children WITH him? If not, then YOU have children, he doesn't.


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## ech99 (Feb 20, 2012)

No we both have boys from ex marriages


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

When my wife and I were dating she asked me how I felt about having a wife.

I told her I wasn`t crazy about the idea.


A year later we were married and have been pretty happy for the past 12 years.

People change


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## Emly (Feb 22, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Honestly? Do not move in with this guy; if he really wants you tell him to put a ring on your finger first. He's already demonstrated that he's quite capable of changing his mind when things aren't going his way...


:iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> . If he's controlling NOW, he'll be crazy in a year.


Oh this post made me :rofl: and it's true! 

Ech--pay attention to the red flags. Why did you put a deposit down if you have all these reservations? Not ust that but how do you feel about him being controlling/not wanting you to hang with your friends. Why doesn't he like your friends/want you t obe around them and are you ok with that.

You have children. Why on earth would you want to move your CHILDREN in with someone you've only been dating 6 months who you say is controlling/doesn't want you around your friends???


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> When my wife and I were dating she asked me how I felt about having a wife.
> 
> I told her I wasn`t crazy about the idea.
> 
> ...


Were you controlling and showing red flags too while dating?

I don't understand why people waste so much time on others while dating. If it's not working, if you feel uneasy, move on and find another! That's the beauty of dating


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Its hard enough to blend a family with a marriage involved. You didn't say how old your son was but if your son will be living with you two while your not married then you can't do it. I'm not religous or moralizing here. This is a practical matter. If your son is still a child its not fair to start a pseudo family that will most likely fail (20%-30% chance at best). If your son knows that your man will not commit he will eventually lose respect for him and this will generate conflict in your home. The boy may lose respect for you as well if your not treated well. The fact that you say your man is controlling will only help to make matters worse since he will want to control the boy. Justifying this by asking a child if this arrangement is OK is simply ridiculous. What does a child know about anything? Does your boy really understand how he will be affected in the long run? Its not possible. My mother made this mistake a couple of times. I became angry and eventually lost respect for my mother for letting it happen. It was life altering and irreversible. Don't be selfish.


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