# I need help coping with my own infidelity.



## WelshPanda (Aug 19, 2012)

We been married for about 15 years, I'm 46, she is 39, and we have two young children of 4 and 2. Sex is good, if a little formulaic and not often enough for me. More than enough for her. We're both overweight. She is my best friend and a wholey wonderful person. So what I did is unforgivable.

Four months ago I went to my brothers wedding alone, away from home. There was no party, but a few friends at a local pub. I started drinking at lunchtime and drank continually until 11pm. I don't normally drink at all, and I don't think I've been so drunk since my teens.. During this time I became friendly and later flirty with a girl of 31. She was very attractive, very slim and also very drunk. At the end of the evening I walked her home, hand in hand. She told me on the way she wasn't going to sleep with me. But when we arrived we kissed passionately. Looking back I was actually quite scared. My mouth was terribly dry. I was worried about my fat body. I did perform oral sex on her, but, to cut a long story short, I was unable to get an errection. Something I have never had a problem with before. I left and walked to my hotel.

I told my wife the next day. She didn't freak out as I expected her to. We discussed every single thing that happened and I was completely honest. I was so terribly sorry and so terribly embarrassed. She seems perfectly OK about it, and said it wasn't worth breaking up over, although me performing oral sex caused her an issue. That seemed a bit too intimate. It took about 2 weeks for things to return to normal.

Ever since, I've been beating myself up about it. My wife says I just need to get over it, as she has. But I can't. I keep having flashbacks to that night causing me a lot of distress. 3, 4 maybe 5 times a day I involuntarily cover my face with embarrassment, thinking about that night and how stupid I've been. It's eating me up. 

I've been to the doctors and have been diagnosed with depression. I've been prescribed Citalopram, but it doesn't help with the flashbacks. I feel, sometimes, like I'm literally going out of my mind. My wife, the wonderful person she is, has stuck by me and is very supportive.

I've never done anything like this before and I definitely would run a mile from doing anything like this again.

I've never heard of a problem like this before. Do you have any comments?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

You're still guilty and and you lost your confidence. 

A hot young 31 yr old and you couldn't get it up, but it wasn't for a lack of trying, you just couldn't perform. That'd be a debilitating blow to any man's ego. Ego feeds into your psyche and your psyche determines your mental health

You told your wife out of guilt, and you want her to beat you up because you feel guilty. But shes not so your guilty conscious is doing it for you. 

You confidence blow is also contributing to your to urge to beat yourself up. 

Also shes rugsweeping it. You need to force it out of her or she may begin to resent you, which can lead to a large host of problems including revenge affair. 

She may still be in shock and it just hasn't registered to her yet that you betrayed her, so if she gets incredibly angry from seemingly out of nowhere thats normal.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, if you don't drink and you drank that much, I doubt anything could have got you up that time. Clear case of wiskey *ick

Your wife's reaction worries me more however. Not at all what I would expect.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

WelshPanda said:


> We been married for about 15 years, I'm 46, she is 39, and we have two young children of 4 and 2. Sex is good, if a little formulaic and not often enough for me. More than enough for her. We're both overweight. She is my best friend and a wholey wonderful person. So what I did is unforgivable.
> 
> Four months ago I went to my brothers wedding alone, away from home. There was no party, but a few friends at a local pub. I started drinking at lunchtime and drank continually until 11pm. I don't normally drink at all, and I don't think I've been so drunk since my teens.. During this time I became friendly and later flirty with a girl of 31. She was very attractive, very slim and also very drunk. At the end of the evening I walked her home, hand in hand. She told me on the way she wasn't going to sleep with me. But when we arrived we kissed passionately. Looking back I was actually quite scared. My mouth was terribly dry. I was worried about my fat body. I did perform oral sex on her, but, to cut a long story short, I was unable to get an errection. Something I have never had a problem with before. I left and walked to my hotel.
> 
> ...


Hi -

If you are "literally going out of my mind" you may be suffering from PTSD or some kind of anxiety disorder.

At minimum, you need therapy, not just meds.

Have you shared with your W how physically ill you feel about all of this? That may help. Even though she seems "fine" most spouses are not after cheating.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Btw, if you don't drink and you drank that much, I doubt anything could have got you up that time. Clear case of wiskey *ick
> 
> Your wife's reaction worries me more however. Not at all what I would expect.


Agreed. Unless you live in Stepford, CT.


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## WelshPanda (Aug 19, 2012)

I might have shortened the story a little. She was very upset at the time, and I was seriously in the dog house. But there were no screaming fights or tears. She was more disappointed in me. Calling me an idiot rather than disloyal. She also suffers from depression and thinks the tablets stop her crying. She was a very emotional person before she started on the pills.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

WelshPanda said:


> I might have shortened the story a little. She was very upset at the time, and I was seriously in the dog house. But there were no screaming fights or tears. She was more disappointed in me. Calling me an idiot rather than disloyal. She also suffers from depression and thinks the tablets stop her crying. She was a very emotional person before she started on the pills.


Okay - thanks for the info about your wife.

What do you think about seeking therapy?


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

For context, you're Welsh from Wales?


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## WelshPanda (Aug 19, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> For context, you're Welsh from Wales?


Yes, I'm from Wales.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

That explains a lot. On these boards we have gained some familiarity with Brittish decency and restraint. Good on you for not getting it up. And your wife for not overreacting. Where's Matt?


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## WelshPanda (Aug 19, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Okay - thanks for the info about your wife.
> 
> What do you think about seeking therapy?


The doc did suggest I try CBT, but as yet I've not tried it. I don't really know why, maybe just looking for a magic pill. Literally, I suppose..


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Maybe MC would be needed here to get you both through this. It sounds like the marraige could get through this but I think it needs to come out together in counceling and then healing. And even though she seems fine, make sure she knows you are transparant and give her reasons to trust you and make her feel like she is the only one you want....through words and actions....Good luck. 

And make sure it doesn't happen again...watch the drinking.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Individual counseling for you and marital counseling for the both of you. Bottom line. Its a must. 

Just do it


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I suspect you suffer from infidelity PTSD. This is what you call genuine remorse. I don't know what advise I can give you but I suppose you can ask your GP to forward you to IC. I'd be be wary ciltopram.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

You feel guilty and you should feel guilty. You will get over it eventually. Give it time. You're a good guy, most people would just be pissed off that they were caught.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am glad to hear you addressed it right away with your wife. I may have missed this but you do need MC because this will be brought up again and again. If not completly addressed.

As far as the sex drive prior to this a great many anti depression drugs can lower your wifes drive, also image issues with the weight.

You may not really have any issues with ED this could all just be about guilt. You may want to try something like the little blue pill to get you over the anxiety. I am betting a few times back in the saddle and you and your wife talking about it with an MC and you will get past this.

Work on this with your wife and never let yourself be placed in that situation again.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Definitely check if your wife does still have issues over this indiscretion. If she does, pursue them. 

If she really and truly does not, then all u need is time...and NOT pills. She knows you, you are not a drinker, not a philanderer, not a cad, that you are a decent and honourable man who was, as she puts it, an idiot. The reason you are an idiot is because you allowed yourself to get into such a state that you could do something so out of character. She is probably not bothered because she knows it is not you. And that it won't be you again. She is probably not bothered because she is sure in you and sure you won't do it again. Accept what you did. Forgive yourself, and you will lose the dark cloud of shame.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I had depression before my h had his affair (which I WISH he would have brought to me and regretted, as you did, but he is a different animal entirely.) When I found out, I blamed myself probably 50% because I knew that because of my depression, I hadn't been responsive to him much in a while. So, perhaps your wife secretly feels that part of the blame is hers. 

The only way you two can put this to rest is to look it straight in the eye. And most folks need guidance to do that. Get counseling. Sleeping tigers wake eventually.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I went through this type of remorse before. I was so angry with myself too. You have to know that it is a good thing to be upset with yourself. But you also have to forgive yourself, and learn from that mistake, which you have already decided to do. 

Count it as a blessing that you were drunk and unable to perform. Just think what more could have happened if that wasn't the case. It's a good thing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Harken Banks said:


> That explains a lot. On these boards we have gained some familiarity with Brittish decency and restraint. Good on you for not getting it up. And your wife for not overreacting. Where's Matt?


Here, sir!

And 'croeso' to Welsh Panda.

You are SO lucky you did not have sex with her, mate!

Was it brewer's droop or a case of hubby's conscience? Or a little bit of both?

You might find some counselling would be of benefit. 

Try to keep calm.

Those flashbacks? Yeah, can be a bit tricky. Try to minimise them, if you can. (Yes, sadly, I do have personal experience... And I am from good Welsh stock, too, as it happens!)

And your Missus? She's 1 in a million!:smthumbup:


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Wow, you're lucky, it only took her two weeks to "get back to normal".

just saying...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry to hear what broguth you here but glad you found out us.
I fear there's no quick fix to this. You screwed up. Royaly. Then you confessed, you feel guilty to hurt her, you reject your actions, you are disapointed on yourself and you feel shame.
Shame, while unavoidable, needs the be shaked out yesterday. It's useless. It's self focused, let you paralized. It promotes no change, nor internal nor external. Self flagelation serves no porpouse.
Learn to identify your feelings and every time a wave of shame hits you just decide to reject it and do something productive. Shift the focus on your wife, on your marriage, on self improvement. Just reject it. 
What about a plan to be focused in? What about improving yourself? What about improving your marriage. What about making amends becoming the best man and husband you can imagine?
Go to marriagebuilders. Red the material, the books. Read The five love languages. Love your wife as she deserves.
That would be my plan.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WelshPanda, how is it going?


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## WelshPanda (Aug 19, 2012)

Thanks for all the support. I did wonder if I was going to get a flaming. I am the guilty party after all and most people seem to think that a cheater is never to be trusted again.

I'm not sure about marriage guidance. I genuinely think she is OK about it. Whenever it's mentioned these days it's in a jokey way. Not a snarky way. We have a very loving and close relationship.

I will go back to the docs about cognitive behavioural therapy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WelshPanda said:


> Thanks for all the support. I did wonder if I was going to get a flaming. I am the guilty party after all and most people seem to think that a cheater is never to be trusted again.
> 
> I'm not sure about marriage guidance. I genuinely think she is OK about it. Whenever it's mentioned these days it's in a jokey way. Not a snarky way.
> 
> I will go back to the docs about cognitive behavioural therapy.


That sounds like a good idea.

BTW, I used up a good portion of my Welsh words in my first post in your thread. Sadly, gran was the last one with any fluency in Welsh.


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## WelshPanda (Aug 19, 2012)

By the way. Someone mentioned that perhaps she thinks she deserves some of the blame herself. I do think this is the case, although I have told her again and again she's done nothing wrong.

The honest truth is, her depression does affect my happiness at home and I've been looking for some excitement in my life. Not *this* kind of excitement, but entirely innocent activities.


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## WelshPanda (Aug 19, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> That sounds like a good idea.
> 
> BTW, I used up a good portion of my Welsh words in my first post in your thread. Sadly, gran was the last one with any fluency in Welsh.


Diolch!

Yeah, we're in a part of Wales where welsh is hardly ever spoken.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WelshPanda said:


> Diolch!
> 
> Yeah, we're in a part of Wales where welsh is hardly ever spoken.


My gran was from West Wales!:smthumbup:


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

WelshPanda said:


> I told my wife the next day. She didn't freak out as I expected her to. We discussed every single thing that happened and I was completely honest. I was so terribly sorry and so terribly embarrassed.
> 
> She seems perfectly OK about it, and said it wasn't worth breaking up over, although me performing oral sex caused her an issue. That seemed a bit too intimate. It took about 2 weeks for things to return to normal.
> 
> ...


If your wife is the one telling YOU TO JUST GET OVER IT, it may well be that she has been cheating on you for awhile. 

If not, she is most certainly still in shock and denial. 

The OM in my STBEH's affair reacted very angrily when I told him and continue to treat his wife like a queen. 

Eventually he emerged from his cacoon of shock and denial and has turned into a raging bull. 

The OW in my STBEH's affair is in big trouble. LOL. 

Her lifestyle has rapidly degraded and she is in hell of her own creation. 

She has stalked both me and my STBEH's since and it is becoming unnerving. 

My STBEH doesn't want her and NOW NEITHER does the hard working husband she's been making a chump out of for ten plus years. 

There are different types of karma and different reasons for experiencing it. Sometimes it's to learn a life lesson other times it retributive. 

I would say OW's is retributive karma as well as the lesson learning type.

Oh well. I initially had the audacity to feel pity for her at first.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

she'll never be back to normal no matter what she tells you. It's eating her from the inside out if she had any love for you at all. There's nothing worse than what you did.

Just sayin.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> If your wife is the one telling YOU TO JUST GET OVER IT, it may well be that she has been cheating on you for awhile.
> 
> If not, she is most certainly still in shock and denial.
> 
> ...


Welsh women are tough, though, Sara. My gran was one. The s**t she had to cope with would have made many people buckle under.


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## WelshPanda (Aug 19, 2012)

What is STBEH?

Edit

Ahhhh...
Soon to be x husband?


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Welsh women are tough, though, Sara. My gran was one. The s**t she had to cope with would have made many people buckle under.


Wish I was Welsh.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WelshPanda said:


> What is STBEH?


Soon to be ex-husband. 


Hang on, let's Google that for a Welsh translation!

Translates to fuan i fod yn gyn-ŵr.


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## WelshPanda (Aug 19, 2012)

Without giving too much away, she has gone through a hell of a lot recently. I think 5 years ago this would have been a much bigger deal. But some radical life changing and desperately unhappy things have happened to her, which have caused months of tears and hugs.

She REALLY is one in a million.

Rob


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Actually your wife and mine sound very similar. My wife was very forgiving of things that I think she should have held me more accountable for. It may also be that she knew I'd be far harder on myself than she could be. You sound very similar to me in that respect as well. I'd say your performance problem had something to do with your conscience. Meaning... you have one. 

Listen, you blew it. You made an evil choice. But now you have a lifetime of choices ahead of you. 

Don't... make... another... evil... choice. 

Spend the remainder of your life trying to be the husband your wife deserves. 

I wish I could have typed that in Welsh.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Don't make another evil choice. Wise words.

If you were not drunk or otherwise chemically incapacitated, I feel that your conscience having the effect it did on the physical outcome speaks volumes about where your heart is, even when your head is not on the job, and your body is trying to go awol. As a betrayed spouse, that bit of information would weigh heavily for you in my overall anger and hurt. Perhaps she sees it that way too. Hope you guys can put it permanently behind you. We learn more from mistakes than successes. Just learn. 
Peace.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

If my husband had been like you , and if what you said about the circumstances was the whole truth, I would have forgiven.

I DO believe people are capable of incredible stupidity when drunk (just not too many times or the same stupidity all over again)

Its right that you suffer though, just not for ever

I'm English and I need a cwtch (for years I thought that was a swear word but it means cuddle, and a special sort of cuddle at that - I think literally it means 'safe place' so you get the idea)


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## Socke (Aug 18, 2012)

One of the key considerations here with WPanda's wife's reaction is that she was not lied to and trickle-truthed. WPanda told her immediately after it happened and was immediately remorseful. There was no period of wondering, fearing the worst, and searching for information on her part. Many here have said that the lies and deceit are almost as bad or worse than the affair itself. BW didn't have any of that to deal with, thanks to the actions of WPanda. WPanda was 100% honest and forthcoming, so trust was not completely lost here. I think that would cut her recovery time by a huge margin and makes her ability to forgive quickly much more understandable.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I agree, but 2 weeks to get back to normal...? That doesn't sound normal to me.
Like I said in another post, she is in denial or cheated herself


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Your wife is blaming herself. Not uncommon.
A key phrase is "you didn't deserve it''. Keep repeating it to her. Once and again. Even she looks OK. Hold her and tell it. It's OK for her to be mad nad sad, and both at the sane time. She deserves that emotions. Don't make it about you.


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