# Tell me what you think ladies.



## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

I have been married for 17 years, two kids. Wife and I spend a lot of quality time together, healthy sex life, mutual respect, everything one wants in life.

One night last spring we were talking about why she does not initiate sex and the conversation took a strange turn. She told me she loved me, but was not in love with me but did not want a divorce.

Over the summer the topic came up. I brought up the subject. I wanted to know if there was anything I did or said for her to feel the way she felt. She said no, and was angry that I brought it up.

I told her that I respected that fact that she told me how she felt, but there is no reason why she should be upset that I want to talk about it. She then responded by saying she regretted telling me how she felt and never wanted to discuss it again and if I was unhappy I could leave. I responded by saying; I am not going anywhere, and if she was unhappy she could leave. My attitude was I am going to draw a line in the sand. This is just as much my home as it is hers and no one is going to tell me to leave. Other than this we have a very loving respectful relationship/marriage. I also told her that the "in love" thing is not always a fixed thing it is an emotion that everyone has, there are ups and downs we all go through. 

Fast forward to this fall. Good friend of ours caught her husband cheating. We have been discussing what we would do if one of us cheated on the other. She told me that if she ever caught me cheating, she would end the marriage.

So my question is: Is she looking for an excuse to end the marriage or does she really love me and is saying she would be devastated if I ever cheated on her. She has a great life, if she is that unhappy why would an affair be the trigger for a divorce.

I think she has been faithful. There could have been an EA. Do not know for sure. Hard to say with all the social networking we have. My attitude is there is nothing I can do, if she is eventually she will get caught and I will deal with it. I am not putting up with any B.S. I am not going to play the poor me game and follow her around like a little puppy dog. Life is to short.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Feelings eb and flow in a marriage. 

It does sound like your marriage could use a tune-up before it hits a bigger bump.

My suggestion would be that you look at the books in my signature below for building a passionate marriage. It probably would not take much to make some huge improvements. 

Another thing that can help, if you have the time and money is a marriage encounter would be great. I know that Dr. Harley at MarriageBuilders.com does them. From what i've heard they are great.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*One night last spring we were talking about why she does not initiate sex and the conversation took a strange turn. She told me she loved me, but was not in love with me but did not want a divorce.
*

*My attitude is there is nothing I can do, if she is eventually she will get caught and I will deal with it. I am not putting up with any B.S. I am not going to play the poor me game and follow her around like a little puppy dog. Life is to short*
I can only go by your language. 
It doesnt sound like a man should be talking about his wife.
I think I can well understand her first statement.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

People deal differently with cheating. May be she's just the type of person who prefers loyalty over this "in love" feeling . Just my thoughts...


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Accept

I thought that this marriage forum was all about discussing important marriage issues. 

You said " A man should not talk about his wife" I have never discussed any issues regarding my wife with friends or family. Your point makes absolutly no sense in terms of this forum. We are all on this forum to learn something. How do I get my point accross without discussing the issues?
As far as my attitude regarding cheating. My point is this: I have done everything in my power to be a good husband. I treat my wife with the utmost respect, and have always been faithful. There comes a time when one must let the chips just fall. I do not want to be the overbearing jealous husband. My wife is a big girl, I do not want to be her baby sitter.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Charlene

Very interesting post. I tend to agree with you. I guess as a marriage evolves more important "things" come into play.

Loyalty, friendship, security, and so on.

I just wish my wife had a pulse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gonefishin said:


> Accept
> 
> I thought that this marriage forum was all about discussing important marriage issues.
> 
> ...


What do you think you would have to baby sit your wife over?

A lot of time when a person says that they are not 'in love' what they mean is that they do not feel that giddy feeling that people get in the first year of romancing/dating. That's natural. Over time a much quieter form of love sets in. It's a much more secure love.

Some say that there are things that can be done to rekindle the romance and bring passion into the marriage no matter how long the marriage. There are some books about this my Dr. Harley linked in my signature block. I do believe this is true. But it takes some effort and working on the marriage on an ongoing basis.

I think that what Accept means is that your comment sounded a bit like you were just dismissing your wife... as if her feelings are not relevant. Not that you should not be talking about your issues, but that you should not have the attitude that you expressed towards your wife.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I would revisit this discussion. tell her that it pains you to know that your wife isn't in love with you.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

It doesnt sound like *HOW* a man should be talking about his wife.
Yes there was a word missed out. The previous poster understood.
I gather that you dont. Of course you come here to talk about your wife. So do I. But one can see from your language that for some reason you dont accept her as your wife.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Accept:
Interesting. But I must disagree

I do accept her as my wife. I treat my wife with the utmost respect. We are partners in everything we do in life. The problem is when your wife throws out a bomb shell remark. "I love you but I am not in love with you" and then is unwilling to disucss and gets angry when you start asking questions flags go up.
If I was dismissive of her feelings, I would not have brought up the subject with her. Correct?
My wife is my equal partner in everything we do. I do not understand what you mean when you say I do not accept her as my wife.
Why would anyone tell their spouse that they are not in love with them? I understand their are highs and lows of passion, but why would you say something like that to your spouse.
A marriage is with two people, not one. So if thier is a problem any problem it only makes sense that the spouse that is at a low point discuss the issue with the other spouse "me".


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> What do you think you would have to baby sit your wife over?
> 
> A lot of time when a person says that they are not 'in love' what they mean is that they do not feel that giddy feeling that people get in the first year of romancing/dating. That's natural. Over time a much quieter form of love sets in. It's a much more secure love.
> 
> ...


Elegirl

What I meant by babysitting is that from what I have read on many posts regarding the issue of "I love you but I am not in love with you". This is a bad sign, especially if my wife got angry when I wanted to discuss. I have only brought it up since she said it 8 months ago.
I am probably reading to much into this. Many people think that when a husband or wife says this to thier spouse it is bad news, sometimes an affair is in play. So, the baby sitting comment was in regards to an affair. I trust my wife and I do not want to babysit her. If I have the feeling I have to babysit then the marriage is lost.
I hear so many stories about spouses checking this and checking that to see if their spouse is cheating, it is crazy.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I will try again. Your wife said she doesnt want sex with you. She may have used different words but that is what she meant. She doesnt seem to refuse but doesnt want it just the same.
You wrote at the end, youre not going to put up with anything etc.
At the moment you write yourself you have nothing to accuse her of. To say before the fact what you will do and how you say it about a wife is highly unusual. 
Whatever you write how good your life is, it doesnt sound like that. She told you, you can leave and you replied you can leave. Its not something thats said at the first sign of argument. I think you have to make a move. You want her and you have to tell her that. You may look at it as a sign of weakness and maybe it is, thinking why it should it be me. But youre married a long time, and to carry on, something has to give. I am sure you really need counselling but without a good MC it would make matters worse.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Accept

Thank you. Great information. I did not think of her words in that way, but it does make a lot of sense regarding sex life.
The only problem with your theory is that at one point. I did tell her that I would stop intiating sex if she was not interested, and that really made her upset. She replied, "Please do not stop trying". She has no explanation on why she does not initiate sex. Her reply is we all have our crosses to bear. Very confusing for me. 
It is true, when I did confront her on the issue of not being in love with me, she did say if I was not happy with her I could leave. I thought it was odd that she would say something like that because I never said I was no happy. So yes my response was "why should I leave, if you have a problem you leave.
Please keep in mind; it is my wife throwing the bombs. I am just trying to respond. I probably should have kept my mouth shut. I am the one with the hurt feelings.
As far as going to MC. Very tough. I would love to. I mentioned this to her. Her response was they just make matters worse.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Speaking from experience its true they make matters worse. I am surprised that all those who advertise on here never reply to any thread and give advice. I am sure there are good ones about. Remember youre paying. What you want is not one who will say you have to work things out for yourself and is there to help you do it, but who will be a judge and tell both of you off if necessary and give decisions of who is right and how to conduct yourself in the future. Your wife's response sounds to me that she is not happy and is having to 'bear' it. I am sure she is not 'throwing' but returning. I can see that you have no idea whats wrong. Believe me there is something. It doesnt sound at all to me loving and respectful. I think you treat her as though she was a man and even expect her to be.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Thank you for the advice.
No, I do not treat her like a man. Please, I grew up in a household full of women. She is a well educated woman with a lot of pride. 
I know she resents me. She gave up a career, but refuses to get back into it. She knows I will support her no matter what she wants, career or personal.
I do think your right though. I think she is just bearing it or me for the kids maybe. I feel terrible for her. She tells me everything is ok, but I know it is not. If it was she would have never said what she said.
I think at times something is eating at her. We did have our first child out of wedlock, it was a tough start. I do not know if any of that has something to do with this. It has been almost 19 years.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

It is very unusual for a man not to know or have any idea what is wrong. I would think she resents your attitude like I said at the very beginning. Maybe that you grew up with women could be a cause. How about asking her what she thinks of your attitude. I think youre in for a surprise.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I'm not sure why you are getting such judgemental responses. Weird.

Anyhow, I am glad you posted because this is something you have to deal with directly. You mention that she may have had an EA. This is a real problem because it is not reality and your wife may now compare her giddy, excited feelings of the EA with your longterm marriage. Obviously this is not a fair comparison but often when people are pining for an affair partner (emotional or physical) this is what they do.

I would try to get into some counseling. Your wife is unhappy. Maybe you have caused some of this, but my guess is that her unrealistic, perhaps depressed, state of mind is causing her to feel a lack of connection and excitement with you. This is DEADLY to a marriage.

Your wie doesn't want to deal with it because she is afraid to deal with these feelings and if she had an EA, of course she is not going to want to tell you that she had/has feelings for another person. But someone has to give her a dose of reality...that long term relationships cannot maintain that crazy "in love" feeling 24/7/365...but what you get with a LTR instead is a deep love, commitment, friendship and trust.

You say your relationship is great but it is not at all. There is a concerning lack of connection your wife feels to you. Get a handle on it by insisting on therapy. I would also pull back a bit with her. 

You say you don't want to babysit her but there is a huge advantage in finding out if she had/has an EA. It allows you to confront her about it and to get it out in the open where it usually can't stand up to the cold light of reality. It allows you to find out who the OM is and whether they are still in contact. How can she give the marriage the emotional energy it needs if she's still stoking the fires of an EA with another man? She can't. So I would do some snooping to see what may be going on.

I would see a counselor on your own if your wife does not agree to go. Maybe if she sees you working on yourself that will spark her to do the same, or to at least stop taking you for granted and see you in a new light.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I will be blunt.

Your wife does not find you attractive. There is no lust, passion, excitement, call it what you will, you don't light her fire. Her life is good, but dull. It's the same ole routine.

She won't leave because you treat her well. She won't sacrifice her good life for lust, passion.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

accept said:


> It is very unusual for a man not to know or have any idea what is wrong. .


:lol:


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

charlene said:


> :lol:


:rofl: Really? Men OFTEN don't know what is wrong in their marriages.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

I was it was that simple. I brought that up knowing, I am very confident in my appearance. I consider my self modest person, but I also know I am an attractive guy. 

I think my wife has a very low libido. When she is in the mood for sex, just about anything goes. I think if she was not attracted to me it would be just hurry up and get it over with sex.

I think deep down my wife is very insecure, and I think she was testing me to get a reaction out of me.

I have always been faithful to her. I think she is affraid about her future when the kids start moving on. She worries about her looks as she gets older.

Accept was very judgemental but I think she/he is right I think my wife resents me.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I am a male. I am quite a prolific poster here almost on all serious threads. I have also been to three counsellors and others most of whom have just taken my money and done nothing. I am nearly always judgemental especially on the men who can take it. It is up to them to reply if I am wrong and is the best way to draw them out. They very rarely grasp the problem being in the picture only the outcome. I have plenty of my own which I write about daily. Today my wife sent me to a shop to buy something a cake and when I came home asked if it contained a certain ingredient. Not that she has anything against that ingredient. I said I never thought to ask such a question. I ended up going back to the shop half an hour away to find out, to keep the peace. It didnt!


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Funny! Your a very interesting poster. I had a strange feeling you were a guy when you told me to stop talking to my wife like she was a guy. I did not think I was and then I thought about it and realized my approach is like playing football. It is not always about winning the arguement.
My wife is always telling me I have to win an arguement. My response is always "Well what should I do just agree for the sake of agreeing with you or anyone else for that matter" If I agree with her or anyone else, I agree with them so why would there be a debate.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*My wife is always telling me I have to win an arguement. My response is always "Well what should I do just agree for the sake of agreeing with you or anyone else for that matter" If I agree with her or anyone else, I agree with them so why would there be a debate.*
A debate is not an argument.
Yes for peace its worth not winning. In my previous post I gave an example of what I have to go through daily and that was mild.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

accept said:


> I am a male. I am quite a prolific poster here almost on all serious threads. I have also been to three counsellors and others most of whom have just taken my money and done nothing. I am nearly always judgemental especially on the men who can take it. It is up to them to reply if I am wrong and is the best way to draw them out. They very rarely grasp the problem being in the picture only the outcome. I have plenty of my own which I write about daily. Today my wife sent me to a shop to buy something a cake and when I came home asked if it contained a certain ingredient. Not that she has anything against that ingredient. I said I never thought to ask such a question. I ended up going back to the shop half an hour away to find out, to keep the peace. It didnt!


Although not funny, this is funny. Because you got back in the car and drove there and did it. To keep the peace? I maybe, might have picked up the phone to satisfy my curiousity about it, but the stuff you have to "put up with" on a daily basis to avoid a fight... kinda like sticking gum in the damn hole every day. 
I'm a woman, and a) I would never ask such a silly thing and b) my H would laugh in my face and tell me to do it himself. And I'd respect him for it. 

I hope you are able to find some ways to keep the peace. Keep trying, things can get better. Peace!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*Because you got back in the car and drove there and did it. To keep the peace? I maybe, might have picked up the phone to satisfy my curiousity about it,*
No I walked in the rain twice. Once to buy it and once to find out about it. There is no parking in the High street.
One cant phone up about a cake in a big bakery. It would be difficult to explain which one it was. 
The reason was I think she just didnt want to give me the credit, or having to say thank you which she never does. Like this she can  say I never bought it 'properly' and no thanks necessary. 
She offered me a piece I declined saying I bought it for her.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

A debate is not an arguement, an arguement is not neccesarily a fight. It is all simantics.

I think you understood my point.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

accept said:


> *My wife is always telling me I have to win an arguement. My response is always "Well what should I do just agree for the sake of agreeing with you or anyone else for that matter" If I agree with her or anyone else, I agree with them so why would there be a debate.*
> A debate is not an argument.
> Yes for peace its worth not winning. In my previous post I gave an example of what I have to go through daily and that was mild.


Oh well, my wife is always busting my chops too. That is what wives do. It does not bother me. I think it is entertainment for her.


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## Bella_Boo (Dec 28, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> A lot of time when a person says that they are not 'in love' what they mean is that they do not feel that giddy feeling that people get in the first year of romancing/dating. That's natural. Over time a much quieter form of love sets in. It's a much more secure love.


I agree with EleGirl. I was talking to my husband about being in love a while back, and he ended up saying that he loves me but that he's not "in love" with me. I got hurt and upset. Later, he told me that I took it the wrong way, and what he meant was that it's not like when we first met and you get that nervous, butterflies in stomach feeling, heart going plitter platter. And he said that it's not a bad thing, just that when you're together for some time, you relax and become comfortable around one another.


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