# First post and a question.



## upsidedownworld (Dec 13, 2013)

Hi all,

I've been reading TAM for the last 5 months now and am thankful that I found this site. 

My story is a common one on here, my stbxw told me back in July that she wanted a divorce. She said she loves me but wasn't in love with me, and for me, it came out of no where. I had been with her for 17 years, married for 11. I knew we grew distant because of kids and work (I work odd hours) however, I always thought that we'd reconnect when the kids were a little older and more self sufficient. I guess I was wrong.

She got a new job in May and I really believe this all started over one of her co workers. The way I saw her interacting with him at one of their work events raised a red flag. She always leaned into him to listen to what he was saying and kept touching his shoulder. When I approached her after the event she said nothing was going on and that I was jumping to conclusions. Well I caught her in a lie in October so I packed up and left. The lie: she told me she was meeting one of her girlfriends for drinks so they could talk but, it turned out to be her co worker. Turns out nothing happened with him but I think she wanted more from him than he was willing to give.

We decided to work on the marriage but that didn't last, she said her heart wasn't in it and she was going through the motions for me. We were working on our marriage up until right after Christmas, until I did something that upset her. What did I do that up set her you ask, I accused her of talking to another guy. I found out she was on match.com and she tried lying to me about that also.

So fast forward to today, she is dating someone who she met on match and still says is a friend, which I know is a lie because she spent the night with him already and even went so far as to introduce him to our kids. I did everything wrong even though I sould have taken the advice on here. I didn't do the 180 and stop contact, I went the opposite direction until I found out about her spending the night with him. When I found out something inside of me flipped and I can honestly say I am at total peace with this divorce now. 

Now here is my question. A few weeks ago we were going over the divorce papers and I said are you sure you want to go through with this? I said because if you don't you need to let me know now because I have met someone and I don't want any skeletons in my closet. At the time it was a lie, I really didn't meet someone, I wanted to see her reaction. She started crying and saying it was hard to even think about me with another woman. This was two weekends ago, and this past Friday she texts me to see how things are going with me and this new woman. I didn't answer her so, she text me on Sunday wondering why I didn't answer her. I told her it's going the same as with you and your "friend". We were texting back and forth and she said I looked happy. I told her that this "other woman" doesn't make me happy, the only person who can make me happy is me. So I'm wondering why she would ask any of this? My brain went in about 5 different directions, so if anybody has any ideas I would like to hear them. 

Thanks in advance and sorry for the long read.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mach put this in a CWI post... it's the best I've seen:

As everyone says you've got to be willing to burn the village to save it. It's harder to do when she has moved out, but it's definitely doable.

First expose to everyone in her family. Don't give her money for anything. 

Quit discussing the relationship. Go dark on everything but kids, until she's served. If she comes around, you can always stop it.

Change your hair. Grow it, cut it, dye it, just change it. Add or subtract facial hair.

Get another ride. Something a single guy would drive. Hot rod, chopper, sports car.

Get in the shape of your life; as in a defined six pack, and the broadest shoulders you can get.

Start dressing like a guy ten years younger with 3X the income.

Next time she sees you, and ever time thereafter, she needs to see the above changes. Just like her fake rack, this is a signal to her that you are moving onward and upward to younger and hotter. Start going out like you're dating the world. Have a baby sitter in a couple of nights per week. Got to a movie, go to the library, go feed the bears, just be going out.

She will not like this message. Provoking that is your best option. Unfortunately, she is probably too far gone and living on her own gives her too much time to sample strange. She can get addicted, due to the brain chemistry involved, to riding the cøck carousel really quick.

The outward improvements and the clouds of mystery pouring confusion on the ground may get her attention. She may possibly become intrigued, more likely not, but if this doesn't work, nothing else will either.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Well it was one thing when she knew she still had your attention,it's another now that she thinks you have someone else. Suddenly it's not all about her. She knows you can move on without her. 

You know what they say "you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone"

She thinks her "safety net" has moved on. Her plan b. If this whole dating thing didn't work out, she could come back to you. You telling her you found someone else shattered that illusion.


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## upsidedownworld (Dec 13, 2013)

Conrad. Thank you as I have done most of those things already. I have always worked out and been in good shape (not a 6 pack but, not a beer belly either). When I left it was a real eye opener with my clothes. I couldn't believe how much I let myself go clothes wise.

Smallsteps. That was the first thought I had however, I made it clear if she started dating someone that it was over for good. See she had an affair 7 years ago that we worked through and I made it known then, that if it ever happened again there would be no going back. It's kind of like the saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." I wasn't going to let her fool me again.

So acouple more thoughts I have, is she is trying to gather evidence to use against me. Our daughter said if one of us got a bf/gf that she would want to live with the one that isn't dating anyone. I can see my stbxw say see daddy has a girlfriend too. Another thought was that her relationship with this other guy isn't going so well anymore and she is starting to see the grass isn't greener on the other side.

If you can think of anything else I would appreciate it. Thanks again in advance.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

I'm in a similiar situation. The fog is being lifted from both mine and my wife's eyes. I'm starting to see that I deserved/deserve better and she's starting to see that the grass was not greener on the other side. I cannot/will not try to reconcile because this is her second affair. You have to choose for yourself whether you can reconcile or not. Regardless, take this time to work on you. Good luck brother.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

As Yoda would say, "Look Harder"

All your reports of interacting with her have you asking her what she decides.

The hell with what she decides.

You decide.

The long and short is she's lost attraction and respect for you. Talk much much less and do much much more. Mystery is very attractive. This is what you want.




upsidedownworld said:


> Conrad. Thank you as I have done most of those things already. I have always worked out and been in good shape (not a 6 pack but, not a beer belly either). When I left it was a real eye opener with my clothes. I couldn't believe how much I let myself go clothes wise.
> 
> Smallsteps. That was the first thought I had however, I made it clear if she started dating someone that it was over for good. See she had an affair 7 years ago that we worked through and I made it known then, that if it ever happened again there would be no going back. It's kind of like the saying "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." I wasn't going to let her fool me again.
> 
> ...


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

How old are your kids?

Go for 50/50 shared parenting.

Your daughter's position on dating is moot, because the reality is that you both will be dating sooner or later.

Two affairs? All the lies and deception? Your marriage is a sham. Sorry. Get out now. She's a broken woman. You don't want her back. Not the* real *her.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

The reason she asked about your phantom girlfriend is because she's nosy and curious. 

Don't read into it, fella.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Who cares what she wants or what she thinks right now?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She is cheating on you again.

Get a divorce and get out now.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

She's done this before? You deserve better. 

Just because you told her if she did it again it would be over doesn't mean she believed you. You were the old reliable one. You may be right. Things with the om are not working out, she thinks you met someone else, things aren't going the way she expected.

Now question is - is that what do YOU want? Do you want her back or do you want to start over?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## upsidedownworld (Dec 13, 2013)

Thank you for all the replies so far.

ThreeStrikes: I have two kids, one who is 11 and the other who is 8. We will be doing the 50/50 split with our kids when I finally find a home.

smallsteps: I don't want her back at this point.I'm not saying I didn't play a part in our divorce, I was the text book definition of the nice guy. In the last 5 months I have put in a lot of work on myself and got rid of the nice guy and will never let him return

So I dug a little deeper into it with the ex and she came out and said she misses our friendship and the times we spent together with our kids. Not sure what she's trying to say. I'm assuming that she is trying to keep me at a distance but close enough just in case this om and her doesn't work.

What do you think? I know I have to be somewhat polite to her because of our kids but, I'm not going to be the fall back to her anymore.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

upsidedownworld said:


> Well I caught her in a lie in October so I packed up and left. *The lie*: she told me she was meeting one of her girlfriends for drinks so they could talk but, it turned out to be her co worker.
> 
> So fast forward to today, she is dating someone who she met on match and still says is a friend, which I know* is a lie *because she spent the night with him already and even went so far as to introduce him to our kids.
> 
> ...


So do yo ufeel beter now that you did essentially what she did and lied to her? Has it helped you at all?

Why did she ask? Perhaps she was curious. I mean, you DID tell her you have a new woman in your life and maybe she wanted to know about it.

Games. That's all this is.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You assume correctly. 

You shouldn't have even got into it with her. I know it's human nature to be curious but it really doesn't matter anymore.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

upsidedownworld said:


> We will be doing the 50/50 split with our kids when I finally find a home.


Where are you living now?

I am not at your point, but wonder how soon I may be. My first inclination is to love as close as possible to my kids. Garage apartment rental or something like that. But if/when I contemplate it seriously, living a second-class life in suburbia won't make me happy, and why would the kids want to be with me in my shack? 

That tells me if/when it comes, I move to the big city. It makes for a logistical challenge since their lives are in suburbia, but it is not insurmountable. And my hope is it will be our new life -- they'll have the old one in suburbia with mom, and the new life in the big city with dad. If you aren't close to a city (or if you are already in a city) pick a lively neighborhood. 11 & 8? If not now, soon, they'll want to be where you are.


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