# He's smothering me...help.



## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

I know that this topic has been covered before and I've been trying to search for it but having a hard time. If you can point me to other threads...great. 

But the gyst is this: recently I posted that I'm considering breaking up with a rebound. We moved in together way to soon and after posting and contemplating, asked him to move out. I told him that I am still interested in seeing him, but not living together yet. 

I have felt smothered in the months that he has officially and unofficially lived at my house and I've hoped that him moving out at the end of the month will help, but I am thinking that me feeling smothered is more than him just being around all the time. He's very cuddly, wants to hold my hand all the time, and is very deferential. His life revolves around what I want...and I hate it. It all makes me feel smothered. I don't think that aspect of things is going to change once he moves out. 

But how do you have a conversation with someone about that?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I probably wouldn't have put the let's have seperate residences but still date thing on the table. His behavior is clingy (as you see it) when you are around him, so moving him out won't solve that. 

You sound incompatible.

Maybe you should go in that direction... I don't think this will work, etc. etc.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I agree.You cant talk someone out of clinginess and smothering you especially if its born out of some sort of insecurities.(not saying it is but that can be the case).All that will do is make him feel rejected as a human being to the core.And most likely defensive.He could even turn it around on you to the other extreme and accuse you of being cold and unaffectionate.

He needs to find a mate that likes to be joined at the hip .You need to find someone who has more balance and interest in life rather than it revolving around a SO.

If you stay together he wont change(neither will you ).It will be a battle..you will resent each other.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh and if /when you break up with him.Tell him you think you have different top love languages and you and he couldn't fill each others desires in that area.IOW you are too differrent..Not that there is something wrong with him.Even though I dare say he might have a problem the way you describe him.Hate to say it but a little door matty..


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I think that you already know the answer to this question. Pull off the band-aid fast and learn from the mistakes that you have already pointed out to us.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

Urgh. I'm afraid you guys are right. What's weird though, is that in my marriage, I was the clingy one. I was the one who wanted to cuddle and hold hands. I was the one who did everything to make the other person happy and he felt smothered. Is it just a matter of degrees?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

firebelly said:


> Urgh. I'm afraid you guys are right. What's weird though, is that in my marriage, I was the clingy one. I was the one who wanted to cuddle and hold hands. I was the one who did everything to make the other person happy and he felt smothered. Is it just a matter of degrees?


Wanting to snuggle sometimes and hold hands isn't necessarily "clingy" to most people.So yes I would think its degrees/personal preference.But if on top of that you are a door mat..IOW you don't feel entitled to an opinion or to disagree and are constantly trying to please the other while neglecting your needs that's unnatractive.Only an abuser would be attracted to that type.IMHO.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> ... if on top of that you are a door mat..IOW you don't feel entitled to an opinion or to disagree and are constantly trying to please the other while neglecting your needs that's unnatractive.Only an abuser would be attracted to that type.IMHO.


Yes - that is the difference. It's not about cuddling and hand-holding, it's about what one feels entitled to within the relationship. I think my BF neglects his own needs and holds back his opinions and it is unattractive. And I did that in my marriage, and it was unattractive to my H.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Maybe that is something that you were looking for at the time, because you felt it was a deficiency in your marriage. You found though that while you want the attention of your partner, you don't want to be mothered or smothered. The key to finding a good partner, is looking for a PARTNER. Don't put the person on a pedestal above you or someone you that is beneath you that you can control, you need an equal. An equal is someone you can count on to help you in time of need and kick you in the pants, when you need that as well.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

There's a part of me that feels when he is holding my hand that he is desperate for that touch and connection because most of the time he doesn't feel he deserves it.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Is this your rebound or his? QUOTE]
> 
> It's my rebound.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

There's a book I read a few months back called "The Passion Trap" that speaks to the dynamic of the pursuer (clingy) and pursued (detached) partners in relationships. The advice for the pursuer is to back off and focus on themselves and the advice for the pursued is to not pull away but be willing to show affection. The idea being that the clingy partner will feel reassured and cling less. I thought this might be our dynamic.


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## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

firebelly said:


> Mavash. said:
> 
> 
> > Is this your rebound or his? QUOTE]
> ...


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

Quantmflux said:


> firebelly said:
> 
> 
> > Here's the thing though... You left a situation where *you* were said to be "clingy" and now you are wondering if you should dump the guy for being "clingy". I dont think thats an irony you want to just gloss over.
> ...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

firebelly said:


> There's a book I read a few months back called "The Passion Trap" that speaks to the dynamic of the pursuer (clingy) and pursued (detached) partners in relationships. The advice for the pursuer is to back off and focus on themselves and the advice for the pursued is to not pull away but be willing to show affection. The idea being that the clingy partner will feel reassured and cling less. I thought this might be our dynamic.


Right creating a balance..and trusting your needs will get met.Makes sense.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Nice Guy Syndrome. And the more you pull away, the clingier he'll get.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

Drover said:


> Nice Guy Syndrome. And the more you pull away, the clingier he'll get.


I've been kind of thinking this too...nice guy syndrome. Is there anything I can do / say about it? I think the ladies above are right - telling him that him being nice is a turn off just sounds counter productive.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Get him the book No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

Drover said:


> Get him the book No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover.


Won't that hurt his feelings? Isn't he likely to just be offended?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been separated/divorced? And as far as the nice guy book goes, don't you think he's going to be hurt when you tell him you want to end things? At least this gives him something to work on or think about. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> There's part of me that thinks that because *I am not over my divorce yet*, that this is about me just *needing emotional space* in general. I also feel guilty when he does nice things for me because I don't feel like I have it in me right now to reciprocate on the same level.


This is it right here. You've identified why you can't be that close and intimate with him.

Needing space after a divorce is totally understandable and a normal feeling. And there's nothing wrong with not having the energy to give back either. This relationship sounds like bad timing.

Is he aware of your recent divorce etc? I would hope that he could understand your need for space right now instead of steamrolling his way in. Have you talked to him about how you're feeling?


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

PBear said:


> How long have you been separated/divorced? And as far as the nice guy book goes, don't you think he's going to be hurt when you tell him you want to end things? At least this gives him something to work on or think about.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good point! But...what if there really is nothing wrong with him? He's generous and affectionate. That's what I've been saying I was missing in my marriage. What if it's really just me? The idea of approaching someone with "Look, I think there's something wrong with you and you should really read this book to fix yourself," seems arrogant.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> This is it right here. You've identified why you can't be that close and intimate with him.
> 
> Needing space after a divorce is totally understandable and a normal feeling. And there's nothing wrong with not having the energy to give back either. This relationship sounds like bad timing.
> 
> Is he aware of your recent divorce etc? I would hope that he could understand your need for space right now instead of steamrolling his way in. Have you talked to him about how you're feeling?


Yes - he's aware of where I'm at in terms of the divorce. He's been holding on hoping I would work through my issues but him living with me has created it's own problems. I have realized that he needs to move out and get his own place at the very least. My therapist recently advised me to deal with what our relationship will look like after he moves out when that day comes. I may just have to figure out all of this other stuff after that. His affection may seem less stifling after that.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I was thinking "nice guy" too but I feel odd saying "mr.nice guy" every 5 seconds.

Especially cuz I figured I married one too.I do wish I had the maturity as well as knowledge 25 years ago.All I know is I felt completely suffocated smothered and like at the same time he was trying to "cage " me with his "niceness"..turns out I was right.Nice guys arent so "nice' ..they are passive aggressive manipulators and control freaks..and a LOT is based on sex and physical affection as to their "aim" to get out of you so they can feel secure and loved.It doesnt work..then they RESENT you ..and "try harder" ..CYCLE.

I haven't read the whole book..but I almost fell out of my chair.How one "type" attaches a "hose" to their SO to feed off of them.WOW I have said "sucked" the joy life out of me.."feeding off of me" "draining me " etc for a LONG time..

Firebelly there could be "really nothing wrong " with him.What stands out most isn't just his need for affection ..But the part about everything revolves around you .Hes "too agreeable"..On top of his need for affection..you add those together???RED FLAG!


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I was thinking "nice guy" too but I feel odd saying "mr.nice guy" every 5 seconds.
> 
> Especially cuz I figured I married one too.I do wish I had the maturity as well as knowledge 25 years ago.All I know is I felt completely suffocated smothered and like at the same time he was trying to "cage " me with his "niceness"..turns out I was right.Nice guys arent so "nice' ..they are passive aggressive manipulators and control freaks..and a LOT is based on sex and physical affection as to their "aim" to get out of you so they can feel secure and loved.It doesnt work..then they RESENT you ..and "try harder" ..CYCLE.
> 
> ...


Wow - I appreciate your perspective. I've never dealt with this kind of guy before (i'm used to the distant, emotionally abusive bad boy type) but I can totally see what you're saying. There's definitely some passive-aggressiveness there.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

firebelly said:


> Wow - I appreciate your perspective. I've never dealt with this kind of guy before (i'm used to the distant, emotionally abusive bad boy type) but I can totally see what you're saying. There's definitely some passive-aggressiveness there.


Yes..passive aggressive (they will joke a lot(but somehow you are the joke?:scratchhead: /withdraw /stonewall).They are "deceptive" hiding their feelings..avoid any conflict (don't want to rock the boat) secretive..All avoiding true intimacy.Which includes knowing their faults(which everyone has).With my husband specifically I "thought" something was wrong he NEVER talked about his childhood.Me? I have the catching frogs ..the fishing with my brother ..pets..names the kids I played with when I was 8...my parents fighting..trips with dogs having diareah in the car..sleeping bags..cartoons I watched ..the food I ate..etc...He never said a word..maybe names of states he lived in ..when I asked him what else? Ya know details he said "I don't remember my childhood"..

Reality? He didn't want to talk about it..he burried it..


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

yeah, passive aggressive is classic nice guy. you can't fix him. he has to fix himself. he needs to read the glover book.


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