# Keep going back and forth



## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

I am miserable. The last time I wrote may have been 2011-2012 ish. I have been married 10 yrs. We have no kids between us and none currently live with us they are in their own apartments. 

I am considering a divorce and I keep going back and forth. 
For about 7 years of the marriage I have been the one with the full time job. He originally was self employed, then to car sales, then after his heart attack went back to school. About a year into school he decides he doesn't like what he picked and wants a different option. I am still the only one working at this point but he does receive grants and loans. My kids are attending college full time, and working full time. I work full time and have had part time jobs when needed and attend school part time. 
He doesn't help with the house work except sometimes mows the lawn. I have told him I feel more like his mother. I clean, cook, do laundry, pay the bills, pick up his meds, all so he can have an easier time. 
For the last 6 months I have mentioned how unhappy I am and he will try a little harder for about a week and then its back to normal. This is his last semester for school. 
When I mentioned leaving to my mom, she said she respected that I have really tried to make it work for so long but she knew I should have left long ago. My kids have also mentioned that they agree I should go but ultimately want me to be happy. 
He recently put an add up for a menage trois with pics of me without my knowledge. I happened to find the replies to the add on the old business email that I still check in case new orders come in. I confronted him, he apologized and said it was stupid and took it down. That along with his comments about me not dressing sexy enough, or that I am a prude have really deflated my ego and I am now asking myself what the hell am I doing I should just leave.
So then I start looking for places, putting a budget together so I don't leave him in the cold without income when I do leave. Then I feel guilty and scared about doing so. I start thinking about how hard I have tried to make this marriage work. I am losing my mind on trying to make the final decision.

If you have stuck with my story this long I appreciate it. I just want advice on whether my reasons for leaving are petty.
Or if they are justifiable. Or just any advice for my situation would be appreciated.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I think you should listen to your kids and your mom.

It's very seldom that your own kids think you should get divorced and are supportive of it. This is very telling.

Your husband sounds like dead weight. As for leaving him in the lurch with no income, well, he's a grown man who is about to finish his degree. He will be fine.

He will be forced to stand on his own two feet for a change without the safety net that you (alone) have provided all these years.


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## Alive in Indy (Jan 20, 2015)

You are enabling a deadbeat. Leaving him will be the best thing you can do for him and yourself. You sound like a great gal!

Good luck!


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## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

Thank you both for your comments. I know that is the right choice
but even two more people agreeing makes me feel better about doing it. Happy, that kept coming to my mind as well, that if my mom and kids feel I should do it, then they can see the marriage is not healthy.
Alive, I know I can be "too nice" at times. I strongly feel I enable him. I have also thought that by me leaving he can get his life back as well. Job, exercise, and his family.

I will move forward as planned.


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## Alive in Indy (Jan 20, 2015)

Keep us posted. A lot of us have recently made this decision and although it really is tough at first, the relief that comes over time is almost spiritual.


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## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

Will do!
I will probably need advice when I move out as well.
My time frame is March /April to get things in order.


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## Alive in Indy (Jan 20, 2015)

We'll be here. Do it sooner if you can. Start setting boundaries today.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Hi Sandy,
I was sort of on the fence until the menage a trois part.
Thats not silly...It's plain wrong.

What you have here is a classic overfunctioning/underfunctioning relationship. It happens quite a bit and the only way to fix it is to stop doing too much for him and force his hand. 

Eventually he will have to increase his functional capability.

Seems like you have chosen a logical path.

Having had two "coronary events" at a relatively early age I can tell you that he probably needs a little mortality counseling. A heart attack is a real blow to the ego and a slap in the face from nature.
But you get past it.


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## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

Hi SamuraiJack

I think I would have continued to deal with everything had I not seen the ad. I was floored. After seeing it and then thinking about everything in the past. I do know I have to do it this time.
I went back and read my previous post's and wonder why I did stay. He was a jerk pre-heart attack. He was an alcoholic prior to that.

As far as trying to not do so much, I started that maybe 7 months ago as far as not picking up everything after him. Or not so worried about whether he has clean underwear. The mess just stayed there longer until I picked it up. If he had to wash, he washed only his items not mine.

I think it will still be hard on me, but going back to those old post's have angered me. It will happen this time.


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## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

Update... For those that asked that I keep ya'll informed.
I did it. I moved out Friday evening and it was and still is so hard.
His reaction was far from what I expected. I have never seen him cry like that before, and it hurts so much.
He said he would give me my distance until I know for sure what I want and he didn't realize he hurt me so deeply.

I am going through bouts of sobbing uncontrollably, and then convincing myself I did the right thing.
I keep asking why did it take me moving out for him to realize what I was doing. I don't want to go back, but I also hate to see him hurting.


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## neglected42 (Aug 11, 2014)

He took you for granted until it was too late. Now he can't believe what happened. Some people totally lack any kind of self awareness and empathy towards others. (My husband is just like that). They are shocked because they never once put themselves in your shoes, never once thought about things from your perspective. I wonder if some people are just incapable of doing that.

That being said, you did the right thing. You have the support of your mother and your own children. That will get you through. I am sure you will eventually see what a good decision you have made when you are free of the daily responsibility, hence daily resentment of your dependent husband. 

Enjoy your freedom and your life. Try to avoid as much contact as possible with your husband while he struggles. He will make you miserable with guilt, and he is doing that on purpose. He will be fine, he knows you are kind hearted and will try and make this harder on you than it needs to be. Again, this is because he lacks empathy for anyone but himself. 

I hope to follow your path soon. My husband will respond in a similar fashion. Keep strong, breathe deep, and enjoy your freedom.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why? Because some people don't believe their spouse really will leave -- until it happens. You did the right thing.


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