# Help - need some real advise



## findinganswers (Jan 9, 2016)

This is my first time posting, so please bare with me. I’ll try to not jump around too much. I know this is a very long post. I have no one to talk to about this... 

My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years now. We didn’t date or know each other very long before we got married (3 months). 

We started off rocky in my opinion. He hadn’t been in a real relationship for about 6 years, so this was all very new to him. 

FIGHTING
I feel like he’s mentally abusive. He calls me names every time we fight. He talks down to me, mocks me, takes away my keys and phone. A couple of times he has pushed me. The latest (today)… I pushed his hand out of my face b/c he literally took his phone and had it pressed up against my face; so I in turn pushed his arm down and it hit is hand on the table. – not that hard of course, I’m 5’4 he’s 6’5. He then pushed me and then continued to shove me in the shoulders and back for about 30 minutes to annoy me and “get back at me.” There have been other times too – on a vacation, we were drinking and got into a fight b/c I splashed water on him in the pool. It was all in good fun (to me), because he had just dripped part of his drink on me so I just turned around and splashed him. I thought we were joking around. He got pissed b/c he said the water got into his drink. He then dumped his drink on me and proceeded to throw all of my belongings in the pool. It escalated into him yelling obscenities at me, calling me names again, talking town to me, pushing me in the hotel room, knocking me down on the floor 3x. He took my nice sunglasses and broke them, took my passport and my purse, told me that he was not going to let me leave Mexico and good luck trying to get on a plane with no credit card or passport… it was terrible. He plays it down, but I was actually scared. I had bruises from him pushing me. He threatened me saying “be careful, the laws are different here in Mexico.” He denies ever saying it – but he did. I decided to try and forget it and passed it off as the alcohol. 

A few months back we got into another fight were he shoved me into a wall – saying he “checked me” being “funny” because I walked away from him cursing at me at the dinner table. BS. Since I walked away without him, he “checked me” as I walked down the stairs. It escalated again to him threatening to leave me (as he normally does), taking things away from me again, etc. I tried to call security, as I was on a work trip – in my hotel room, he then ripped the phone out of my hands. This happened probably 3x. Then, he took one of the large water bottles from the hotel room and poured it over my head because I stopped talking to him after about 2 hours of him berating me. 

FINANCES & WORK
He came into the relationship w/ a lot more $ than me. I came in with debt. We never discussed finances (mistake) before marriage. I’ll confess that I hid about $6,000 in debt from him, as I didn’t want it to be a burden to him. I used it to pay for our fast wedding, and planned on paying it off quickly. I fessed up to it a couple of months in because all of our bills were stressing me out, and then he paid it off for me – which was very nice. He was pissed that I lied and I don’t blame him. I paid him back about 3 months later, in full. However, he holds it over my head all the time. 

I was laid off from my job about 3 months after we got married, which totally sucked. I received a settlement from the company from the layoff, which I used to pay my husband back from the $6k debt. From there, I agreed to help him w/ his company and put on a very large event for the organization he owns. At the time I was super exhausted and had a hard time working. However, I pulled it off. His opinion is that I didn’t work hard enough – I completely disagree. I ran the entire event. He of course helped, but I did all the logistics, managed all the speakers, the website… you name it. I had about 2 ½ months to do it – not easy for a VERY large scale conference with thousands of people. But for him I never did it fast enough or well enough. After the event was done I decided to start my own business – which we both put money into. However, again I was INCREDIBLY exhausted! I struggled to get it going. It ended up that he had to start covering our rent payments, for about 6 months. That was not fair to him. I was still paying all of our other bills, but the rent was putting a strain on him. He has his own startup and didn’t have additional funds coming in. So, this put an enormous strain on our marriage and led to lots of arguing. I wound up getting a full time job – which I’m still currently working. He says that I owe him money from the months of “back rent.” I have tried to pay it off by handling ALL of our other finances. Note he has lots of $$ in the bank, by the way. He still pays ½ rent, but I pay everything else + most of our food and going out. I also cover all of our insurance, etc. He brings this up constantly and holds it over my head in every single argument, saying how much money he's wasted on me and how much money I owe him.

I’d like to add that mid-way through me running my own startup we found out that I have Lupus, RA & Sjogrens – hence why I’m exhausted all the time. But still, I didn’t work hard enough – and never do according to him. 

I still have my job and I got promoted w/in 5 months and run a west coast division. 
He is still working on his startup which stresses him out all the time. I’ve helped him as much as possible – making him contracts, giving him feedback, ideas, etc. He told me it would launch a year ago… it’s still not even remotely close. And, most of the days he spends on the friggin phone w/ his family. Literally like hours every day. But I’m the one that doesn’t work hard enough or make enough money! 

SOCIAL MEDIA
We created some boundaries after a little while into our marriage b/c we kept running into problems. All previous female/male friends were “grandfathered” in unless they were ex’s, but we agreed that we shouldn’t be making any new opposite sex friends without the other. And, if we did want to add someone on social media or something, we should just run it by the other person. We both thought this was a great idea, and in theory still do.

He has yet to do it though – he’s been adding females on Social Media since we agreed to this. He still “agrees” to it in discussion, but not in practice. 

I found that he exchanged phone numbers w/ a girl on Instagram about 3 months after we got married and was sending her selfies (nothing risqué). Not even sure who the girl is…. That wasn’t the only time, it’s happened on other occasions as well. He’s hid girls w/ guy names on his phone so that I wouldn’t notice. 

He’s also had inappropriate conversations w/ women online (at least inappropriate in my opinion), talking about having them come out and visit and also talking about their sex lives. – mind you he doesn’t know these girls, he’s never met them. I do NOTHING OF THE SORT, not even close! I don’t add new guys, I don’t like their selfie photos, it’s all about me and him! 

He got on a new social channel and was commenting on naked girls photos and liking every naked female he could find. He said he was doing it to support his friend’s new social media app – which is not a porn site or anything of the sort, just so happens to draw the usual attention seeking women. He lied about it, until I found it and confronted it. He was commenting on naked women telling him how hot they were and trying to get them to chat online while we were at dinner one evening, and another time while he was next to me watching tv. This lead to a huge argument and him getting off of that social media channel (I think/hope).

Pretty soon after the wedding he was chatting w/ a girl that he met at a networking event about “mentoring her” business wise and tried to get him to meet her at a local bar. He wound up not going, but he had intended to (it was the day I was let go of my job that they were supposed to meet). I’m fairly certain she ended the conversation ultimately and blew him off. How did I find out? I snooped and saw it in his email account. 

I have snooped around his email and phone in order to see all the things I’ve found. Yes, I know some people completely disagree with this. However, I would never know about any of this had I not done it. I confessed to doing this and he’s now changed all his passwords and won’t let me see anything. But of course he promises he’s not doing anything.

I don’t think he’s “cheated” as he’s with me constantly. We work out of the house together and he’s rarely not with me. Plus I don’t think he’d take it that far - but you never know.

However, I’m tired of him ignoring the boundaries. If I confront him about adding a new female friend, liking and commenting on inappropriate things, without talking to me, he gets pissed and it starts a huge fight – the one which led to him pushing me for a half an hour today. He says I’m not approaching it the right way. However, I’m not getting pissed, I’m just telling him that I’m tired of having the same convo over and over and ask him to please stop. He gets mad and always has an excuse. 

SEX
Our sex life has suffered for multiple reasons. It was strong at first but it’s dwindled. A lot of it has to do with my physical sex drive decreasing w/ being and feeling ill all the time. It physically hurts to have sex b/c of Sjogren’s. Additionally, my desire has dwindled because of the emotional ups and downs. We still have sex probably once a week, it’s not like I NEVER do it… it’s just much less than before. He’s becoming annoyed and frustrated. I try to compensate with other things like BJs b/c the sex part hurts. 

All in all, I think we’re both frustrated. He’s tired of the social media issues I have, he says they’re crazy… that I’m crazy and that I’m the cause of all of our problems and stress. I’m tired of him saying he’ll do one thing and then doing another – plus I have a hard time trusting him w/ the past things he’s done so of course I’m more all over the social media stuff. He refuses to share passwords. He basically doesn’t want to share anything. Yet, he wants to have kids… which I can’t do right now.

I’m looking for some advice as to what to do. I cannot continue with the fighting the way it is. He refuses to go to counseling with me. 

He won’t share passwords. 
He won’t share bank accounts. 
He wants kids – I do too, but not in our current state.
I don't know when he's going to handle a situation well, or when he's going to handle it poorly.
He hates that I'm a Christian and makes fun of me.
It just feels like we’re very separate, even though we’re together all the time. 

Advise?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
What is good about your relationship. What makes you want to spend your life with him?


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## findinganswers (Jan 9, 2016)

That's a great question, which I've been asking myself. 

1 - I love him & I think he really does love me also.
2 - We love spending time together (when we aren't arguing). We have a tough time having fun together these days, but when we do have fun, it's great.
3 - When he's kind, he's really kind and loving.

Everyone has abandoned him (so he says) and I don't want to do that to him. I committed to him and promised to love him and care for him.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

His being physically abusive is not acceptable at all. Who 'checks' their wife into a wall?! This can escalate in the years ahead. For this alone why would you want to stay in this marriage?


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

TBT said:


> His being physically abusive is not acceptable at all. Who 'checks' their wife into a wall?! This *can* escalate in the years ahead. For this alone why would you want to stay in this marriage?


 I agree with this, but I'd just change CAN to WILL. People rarely become less abusive; abuse normally escalates over time (at least based on everything that I've read about abuse so far).

OP, if he's like that to other people too, no wonder everyone's run away from him (or abandoned him, as he likes to call it).


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## birdlady100 (Dec 24, 2015)

I agree...that kind of treatment is not acceptable. You do not deserve to be treated in such a way that he does towards you. If hes only pushing you now that will eventually lead to more harmful abuse.


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## findinganswers (Jan 9, 2016)

He says that I deserved him pushing me today because I swung his hand into the table after him pressing his phone in my face. He says he wasn't pushing me really hard, so there's nothing wrong with that, that it's just an annoyance. Would you agree that I deserved him pushing me constantly after that?


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## wellseasoned (Jan 8, 2016)

I know a guy that loves his corvette. He's never kicked it, or hit it. When it broke down, and it did plenty of times, he never got upset, always putting the car in the shop to fix it, and gladly paying the excessive bill. It sits in his garage with a cover on it, very proud. He won't let anybody drive it.

Pretend the Thread you posted was from another couple, what advice would you give them?

My advice to her would be to get out of that relationship as fast as possible before it escalates into something shockingly worse.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

findinganswers said:


> That's a great question, which I've been asking myself.
> 
> 1 - I love him & I think he really does love me also.
> 2 - We love spending time together (when we aren't arguing). We have a tough time having fun together these days, but when we do have fun, it's great.
> ...


You must really love him to stay and take his abuse. You need to reevaluate your thought process and retread your post. What would you say to that girl?

It does not get better. He is pushing your limits to see how silent you will stay. It's going to get worst and he is manipulating you with the whole"everybody left me", sucker line. I wonder why everyone left him?

Pick up and leave before you end up running into walls or fall down the stairs.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

findinganswers said:


> Advise?


It will not get better.

He will continue to operate beyond his resources and reach. Probably forever. That is beyond your control. You haven't made a good choice and you can't fix it.

time to move on.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

findinganswers said:


> He says that I deserved him pushing me today because I swung his hand into the table after him pressing his phone in my face. He says he wasn't pushing me really hard, so there's nothing wrong with that, that it's just an annoyance. Would you agree that I deserved him pushing me constantly after that?


The difficulty here is both of you are still focusing on the problem.
Neither of you are focusing on valid solutions.

Do you really want to live the rest of your life having the same arguments?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

findinganswers said:


> That's a great question, which I've been asking myself.
> 
> 1 - I love him & I think he really does love me also.
> 2 - We love spending time together (when we aren't arguing). We have a tough time having fun together these days, but when we do have fun, it's great.
> ...


This sounds very much like classic abuser/victim dynamic.

#1 - What do you REALLY love about him? And why do you think someone who "checks" you down the stairs, lies to you, and hides things from you loves you?

#2 & #3 - this sounds like something straight out of a pamphlet on spousal abuse. I have read many places that "abusers" are usually very charismatic, charming, generous, and fun - when they are in a good mood. It messes with your head because how could you have so much fun and feel so close to someone unless your connection is special? 

But it is not worth the cost. There are other people you could have a great time with who would not treat you in the horrible ways that he does.

As for "Everyone has abandoned him... you promised to love him..." When *everyone* has abandoned someone, there is a reason. And it's not that everyone else is a traitor. You don't stay married to someone because you feel sorry for them.

Yes, you made a commitment and promised to love him. But he also promised to love and cherish you. Marriage is an agreement between two parties, not a life sentence where one side can act any way they please and the other side must endure whatever the other decides to dish out. 

If he's so abandoned and downtrodden then maybe he needs to appreciate that you have NOT abandoned him - yet - and start treating you like *he promised *to do when *he *took *his *vows.

The fact that he has shoved you in frustration is very scary. Even if he wants to rename it "checking." I would get away from him until he's taken anger management classes and demonstrated, for months, that he is no longer a ticking time bomb.

If you like fiction, I recommend the book "Big Little Lies" by Liane Moriarty -- the way you described the dynamic between the two of you reminds me of a couple in that story.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

findinganswers said:


> ...I’d like to add that mid-way through me running my own startup we found out that I have Lupus, RA & Sjogrens – hence why I’m exhausted all the time. But still, I didn’t work hard enough – and never do according to him....Advise?


My advise is get out and don't look back. 

It is well known that stress can cause and will exacerbate autoimmune issues. He is already violent at times, but he could very well kill you - or certainly deterioriate the quality of your life - with the emotional stress he is causing you.

You should not have spent $6K on anything and hidden it from him. That would seriously tick me off too. However - you are a married couple. You are his wife and you have health issues. Why are you responsible for "paying him back" for anything, and "paying half of" everything? 

Are you a couple or are you roommates? Before marriage did he say that he expected you to always pay 50% of everything regardless how much money he has and regardless of your health?

I know a lot of couples keep their finances separated but I have never understood that. If someone asked me to MARRY them, I assume we're "becoming one" unless they specify otherwise prior to the vows.

I'm sorry, I'm usually all "save the marriage if you can" even after an affair, but I have a very bad feeling that this man is dangerous to your wellbeing and the relationship is toxic. I think if you separated for awhile (months not just days or weeks) he would either come around or you would realize how much happier and healthier you are without him messing with your head and heart.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

findinganswers said:


> That's a great question, which I've been asking myself.
> 
> 1 - I love him & I think he really does love me also.
> 2 - We love spending time together (when we aren't arguing). We have a tough time having fun together these days, but when we do have fun, it's great.
> ...


Somewhere in your life, you have associated love with pain/abuse. Love isn't about abuse. Not at all. Once you make that connection, and disassociate love with abuse...and 'love must hurt' kind of thing, then you will break free from this man. 

This man doesn't love you, he just loves controlling and abusing you. And if you stay, you don't love yourself. That's ''real advice'', and I hope you take it and leave this abuser.


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## findinganswers (Jan 9, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> My advise is get out and don't look back.
> 
> It is well known that stress can cause and will exacerbate autoimmune issues. He is already violent at times, but he could very well kill you - or certainly deterioriate the quality of your life - with the emotional stress he is causing you.
> 
> ...


We never agreed to keep all of our finances separate before marriage. Unfortunately we didn't talk about any of that before we got married. I've said the same thing to him on multiple occassions, that we feel like roommates living this way, and that I want us to be a family - combining resources and being a unit in every way. He's VERY TOUCHY about his money - it feels like it's THE MOST important thing to him. I'll admit that he can be generous with me and money, but it definitely comes at a cost. I never hear the end of how much money he's spent on something for me, or how he had to help me financially. He buys me flowers every week, which I find to be super sweet... but I also hear about ALL THE TIME. I don't hold anything like this over him, and I spend a lot of money as well. It just so happens that he has more resources than I do, so he's in turn spent more.

We also never agreed on each of us always paying half of everything, and we've gotten into a lot of disagreements about it. I personally feel like if he's making more money (or if I'm making more) then we should split it fairly. But he disagrees and says he never signed up for that.

I am worried about how this entire situation affects my health. I notice flares when we fight and I get physically sick. It's funny because he thinks that I should be doing more work (on top of my full-time job) to make us more money... it feels like he forgets I'm not well, or maybe doesn't care? He says he does... but I do all the housework, I work 40+ hours a week, I own a jewelry line, I run a social organization with him (i manage all the logistics every month + sponsors)... and he doesn't seem to grasp the toll it takes. 

I very much appreciate your advise and I am seriously considering a split. I'm just trying to be smart about how I do it... it's a scary situation.

(sorry if I'm venting too much)


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

From being on the outside, all my alarm bells are ringing and I just want to get you out of that hell you are in and let you decompress. His blatant refusal to not go to counseling, to physically abuse you, resorting to mocking you, not sharing passwords or bank account information are all signs that he will NOT take responsibility for his behavior. It is too easy to let the anger that is festering inside him to take over and to take it out on you. Yes you are married, but it shouldn't always be for worse. Nothing you described tells me that things will get any better. Do you have any friends or family that you can go to in case you decide to leave?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband is a bully! Pure and simple. And there is only one way to deal with bullies - stand up to them (plus get help if you need it). He is also insensitive and from what you say, generally stupid!

So why do you stay with him ? You say you love him and believe that he loves you - I do not see evidence of that in what you say.

Start giving him some reason to sit up and listen carefully else be prepared to move on at very short notice. Do not let his behaviour carry on unchecked.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You married a man you didn't know, who is physically and mentally abusive, and now you need to get yourself out of the mess you got yourself into. It really is that simple.


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## findinganswers (Jan 9, 2016)

AlisonBlaire said:


> Do you have any friends or family that you can go to in case you decide to leave?


All of my family is 3000 miles away. My friends have pretty much disappeared since we got married - he doesn't really like the ones I have locally. The ones that are from my hometown, again, are far away (p.s. he likes them fine, but probably b/c they are at a distance). I feel pretty alone to be quite frank. My family is very much there for me via phone, etc. and if I told my mom everything she'd fly here in a heartbeat. I just don't want to put this on them. 

It sounds dumb, but I'm nervous to open up to my family and my friends about all of this. I've hinted to my mom, but not told her everything. I know how stupid and weak it makes me look. I also know once I separate there's no going back and I feel like he'll totally lash out. 

I did however get the name of a divorce attorney. I feel like I need to fly under the radar if I choose to leave. Otherwise, he'll probably destroy everything I have.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

findinganswers said:


> All of my family is 3000 miles away. My friends have pretty much disappeared since we got married - he doesn't really like the ones I have locally. The ones that are from my hometown, again, are far away (p.s. he likes them fine, but probably b/c they are at a distance). I feel pretty alone to be quite frank. My family is very much there for me via phone, etc. and if I told my mom everything she'd fly here in a heartbeat. I just don't want to put this on them.
> 
> It sounds dumb, but I'm nervous to open up to my family and my friends about all of this. I've hinted to my mom, but not told her everything. I know how stupid and weak it makes me look. I also know once I separate there's no going back and I feel like he'll totally lash out.
> 
> I did however get the name of a divorce attorney. I feel like I need to fly under the radar if I choose to leave. Otherwise, he'll probably destroy everything I have.


Okay, first things first....

STOP saying you are stupid and weak. You are being derogatory towards yourself and that only hurts you. You have been in such stress/strife for so long that you are referring to yourself in these terms. This is not good for you. Decompressing yourself from all of this chaos is something that you need to do.

He sounds like the classic abuser. Wanting to you to be alone, isolating you from your friends. Ugh. 

Have you become so accustomed to this abuse that you actually believe that hesitating to tell family members about this is something you should do? NO NO! You are not weak to reach out to your friends and family, so that they can have your back!

A healthy relationship would not be threatened by you reaching out to family. To friends. Expressing your feelings freely, venting out the tensions and the fears that you are experiencing. You have been giving away your power to help someone who isn't willing to help himself. It is time for you to realize that you have the right to take it back and put yourself first.

I wish you luck.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I couldn't read very much of your original post because the answer was SO obvious.

My wife had a friend years ago who was living in Chicago away from her family. She finally got into a relationship after several years and we were happy for her.

They either planned to marry or actually did marry.

Then suddenly he disappeared and the relationship was gone.

He had shoved her or verbally abused her ONE TIME. That was all she needed to see to realize she had made a mistake.

She was ABSOLUTELY correct.

You should have had your answer within your first sentence or two. Always immediately leave an abusuve relationship. No exceptions ever.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

"I know how stupid and weak it makes me look. I also know once I separate there's no going back and I feel like he'll totally lash out. "

It's stupid and weak to STAY. And thank god there will be no going back, that's exactly what you need. 

If your mom would fly out there for you, I have no doubt that she'd fly you home to her. Ask her for help. Cut your losses and get out of there!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

findinganswers said:


> We never agreed to keep all of our finances separate before marriage. Unfortunately we didn't talk about any of that before we got married. I've said the same thing to him on multiple occassions, that we feel like roommates living this way, and that I want us to be a family - combining resources and being a unit in every way. He's VERY TOUCHY about his money - it feels like it's THE MOST important thing to him. I'll admit that he can be generous with me and money, but it definitely comes at a cost. I never hear the end of how much money he's spent on something for me, or how he had to help me financially. He buys me flowers every week, which I find to be super sweet... but I also hear about ALL THE TIME. I don't hold anything like this over him, and I spend a lot of money as well. It just so happens that he has more resources than I do, so he's in turn spent more.
> 
> We also never agreed on each of us always paying half of everything, and we've gotten into a lot of disagreements about it. I personally feel like if he's making more money (or if I'm making more) then we should split it fairly. But he disagrees and says he never signed up for that.
> 
> ...


Yeah, there are many things I wish I had discussed in earnest with my husband before marrying him. (One thing being it was nearly impossible to have an earnest conversation with him, but I digress.)

The fact that he chooses to buy you flowers and then brings it up a lot? That's actually a little creepy/manipulative to me. "I'm choosing to do something you never asked for so now you owe me."

I wonder how he would react if you told him you'd rather have the money.

When he says that "he didn't sign on for this" regarding money, he reminds me of this article on buyers, renters, and freeloaders. https://experiencelife.com/article/buyers-renters-and-freeloaders/

He sounds like he has a renter's mentality at best. He's in the marriage as long as it suits his immediate fancy, but he's not really committed.

I think it is wise to be smart about about separating and plan. But be careful. He has shown violent tendencies before. You just don't know how that could escalate. It's hard to imagine anyone you love being truly dangerous, especially when you see their loving side too. But we know it does happen. And who knows what might set someone off. I would not leave this TAM account logged in where he might find it and read what you're thinking.

BTW, the person who wrote the article above does a lot of stuff that I really like on marriage. You might check out his basic concepts:
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

PS - you're not venting too much IMO - I think that's what TAM is for! I really wish this sort of thing was around 20 - 30 years ago. I think my life might have gone much better.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
for 1. Just be clear with your own thoughts - do you really love him or *think* you should love him.

for 2). That is very important. If most of your time together is happy, then there is something really wroth saving. If the problems are rare, and the happiness common, that is important.

3) In what way kind and loving? Are you the same to him?





findinganswers said:


> That's a great question, which I've been asking myself.
> 
> 1 - I love him & I think he really does love me also.
> 2 - We love spending time together (when we aren't arguing). We have a tough time having fun together these days, but when we do have fun, it's great.
> ...


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## brnfob88 (Feb 19, 2016)

I can see why you're worried about leaving because it could be dangerous. You should get a job lined up somewhere else in another state, but don't tell him about it. Then just leave. Don't tell him ahead of time that you're going to leave, don't tell him where you're going, and don't ask for a divorce. You can find an attorney later to make it legal. You're not breaking the law. It's not illegal for you to leave his house and go live somewhere else if you're married. Your finances are separated, so he can't claim you stole his money. You could leave a note saying you left because you wanted out, and he doesn't need to worry about you. Don't tell friends/family where you're going if they might tell him. In fact, you might want to tell an organization like Friends of Family that you need help staying hidden from an abuser. He may not have seriously injured you at this point, but it certainly looks like he's headed in that direction, especially if you leave and he gets angry about it.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Sounds like your not off to a good start. I would definitely make his pushing you a boundary in your marriage. I would also start talking with him about these other women he had been contacting. It seems that he has started a trend where he really has no boundaries. Also, about "paying your husband back" for the debt you were in before you got married is something I don't think you shouls have done. The money both of you have now should be considered belonging to both of you. If you don't consider what you have as joint funds I think you will continue having problems in you marriage.


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

findinganswers said:


> I very much appreciate your advise and I am seriously considering a split. I'm just trying to be smart about how I do it... it's a scary situation.


My sweet girl.... this man is a physically and mentally abusive *******. You need to get out. I promise you that once you're out, you will look back and see him for what he truly is.

You're right.. you need to be smart about HOW you leave. Reach out to family and friends.. you'll probably have to sneak out when he's sleeping or not home. Don't let yourself be alone with him after you leave. He will most likely use all his sweet talk, scary threats, lovey doe eyes and all his manipulation tactics on you in order to get you back or get his way. He may threaten you or the people you love.

I've seen women like you leave situations like this and it usually makes the guy go crazy. 

Be strong.. you ARE strong. and you're not crazy for demanding a better lover and friend. 

Good luck.


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## findinganswers (Jan 9, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> I think it is wise to be smart about about separating and plan. But be careful. He has shown violent tendencies before. You just don't know how that could escalate. It's hard to imagine anyone you love being truly dangerous, especially when you see their loving side too. But we know it does happen. And who knows what might set someone off. I would not leave this TAM account logged in where he might find it and read what you're thinking.
> 
> BTW, the person who wrote the article above does a lot of stuff that I really like on marriage. You might check out his basic concepts:
> A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
> ...


Thank you for the great insight. Funny, I have read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts, and his entire site for that matter. We actually have read it together, and he agrees w/ everything he reads. We established our "boundaries" from that website. Of course, he has a fairly short-term memory with most of it. 

I definitely log off of here and clear my cache just in case!


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## findinganswers (Jan 9, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> for 1. Just be clear with your own thoughts - do you really love him or *think* you should love him.
> 
> for 2). That is very important. If most of your time together is happy, then there is something really wroth saving. If the problems are rare, and the happiness common, that is important.
> ...


1) It is tough, but I do love him and I choose to love him. (I believe love is a choice sometimes - we don't always have "that loving feeling"). Sometimes I do feel like I "should" love him... 

2) The problems are becoming less frequent, which is good. Over the past several months I was becoming very hopeful because the super disrespectful manners were becoming less and less. However, the blow up the other day just feels like it's cyclical and may never change. OF COURSE though, right now he's saying "it will never happen again." But he's said that before. Feels like the "honeymoon" stage again. I'm just not sure if it will truly ever change, but I WANT it to... 
The thing is that I never know if it will happen. He is trying... which is why i'm struggling.

3) He is kind in many ways. Always complimentary, brings me coffee every morning, buys me flowers every week. I don't do as many *little* things for him to be honest... I do do some (like leave little notes), but not quite as many as him. However, I'm doing pretty much everything else around here. Like he doesn't cook or do laundry, housework, etc. I do all of that...


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

findinganswers said:


> 2) The problems are becoming less frequent, which is good.


That's good!

But are they becoming less frequent because you're both improving how you treat each other, or are they less frequent because you've lowered the bar and let him get away with things like hiding his passwords and emails and texts and you've stopped challenging him by letting him know the things that bother you?

As a rule, I love men, but many of them will take your giving up on letting them know you're unhappy as proof positive that all is well and they can go back to doing whatever the hell they want regardless of your feelings.

You've read Dr. Harley's concepts so I'll use his language -- it sounds like your hubby does a lot of Independent Behavior, and a moderate amount of disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts. Though he may be working on the last two.


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## findinganswers (Jan 9, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> That's good!
> 
> But are they becoming less frequent because you're both improving how you treat each other, or are they less frequent because you've lowered the bar and let him get away with things like hiding his passwords and emails and texts and you've stopped challenging him by letting him know the things that bother you?
> 
> ...


You're spot on w/ his disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts! He is working on those, but he still is having some issues (obviously... hah). 

We are both working on ourselves to try and improve certain things. I have not backed down in any way to what I want/need in this relationship. Quite the contrary. I have set my own boundaries, which I've communicated to him, meaning that when he disrespects me I will walk away until he can talk to me in a calm and respectful way. The problem here is that it sometimes works and sometimes makes it way worse - I just never know. Like this week, he just followed me around shoving me in the back and shoulders as I tried to leave the argument b/c he was being so incredibly mean and relentless. Then he took my phone away and hid it so I couldn't use it, took my keys so I couldn't leave, and sat in front of me saying the most hurtful things he could! It's like... how many times do I deal w/ this? Yes it's becoming less frequent, but it just shouldn't happen. I really wish it would stop. 

His Independent Behavior, I'm unsure of. I THINK he's getting *better* NOT great, at sticking to some boundaries, but I also think I'm foolish for thinking this way. He's made it to where I can't see what he's doing (online). Which makes me very uncomfortable... and he won't budge.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

findinganswers said:


> You're spot on w/ his disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts! He is working on those, but he still is having some issues (obviously... hah).
> 
> We are both working on ourselves to try and improve certain things. I have not backed down in any way to what I want/need in this relationship. Quite the contrary. I have set my own boundaries, which I've communicated to him, meaning that when he disrespects me I will walk away until he can talk to me in a calm and respectful way. The problem here is that it sometimes works and sometimes makes it way worse - I just never know. *Like this week, he just followed me around shoving me in the back and shoulders as I tried to leave the argument b/c he was being so incredibly mean and relentless. Then he took my phone away and hid it so I couldn't use it, took my keys so I couldn't leave, and sat in front of me saying the most hurtful things he could! *It's like... how many times do I deal w/ this? Yes it's becoming less frequent, but it just shouldn't happen. I really wish it would stop.
> 
> His Independent Behavior, I'm unsure of. I THINK he's getting *better* NOT great, at sticking to some boundaries, but I also think I'm foolish for thinking this way. He's made it to where I can't see what he's doing (online). Which makes me very uncomfortable... and he won't budge.


This is abuse. Physical and mental. It doesn't matter that "it's becoming less frequent". For the love of Pete, he was abusing you LAST WEEK!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

findinganswers said:


> Like this week, *he just followed me around shoving me in the back and shoulders as I tried to leave the argument b/c he was being so incredibly mean and relentless. Then he took my phone away and hid it so I couldn't use it, took my keys so I couldn't leave, and sat in front of me saying the most hurtful things he could! * It's like... how many times do I deal w/ this? Yes it's becoming less frequent, but it just shouldn't happen. I really wish it would stop.
> 
> His Independent Behavior, I'm unsure of. I THINK he's getting *better* NOT great, at sticking to some boundaries, but I also think I'm foolish for thinking this way. He's made it to where I can't see what he's doing (online). Which makes me very uncomfortable... and he won't budge.


Um. OK. THAT is effing scary. I must have glossed over that in your original post. I remember he had "checked" you into a wall once or twice over the year but this? And so recently? This sounds like he realizes he is losing his hold on you and cannot stand that idea and that is very scary. *I would get out as soon as possible.* If this marriage is meant to be, he will move heaven and earth to get you back by proving he is in control of his emotions and realizes how absolutely, 100% not acceptable this is.

Have you read "What to do with an angry husband?" on Marriage Builders?

Regarding independent behavior on his part - I was thinking of the fact that he says he agrees to the MB principles but has hidden his passwords from you and acts out if you want to see his phone/email. (I think I read that in your post.) That's not something you "forget" to do, like slipping up and saying something disrespectful to your spouse, or snapping at them. That's a conscious choice to hide things from you even though he has agreed to transparency (I assume, since that's part of MB and he said he was on-board.)

I don't want to be melodramatic if he's trying and improving but he does sound like he could lose it and become very dangerous if he feels you're not under his thumb 100%.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Perhaps there are good reasons why "everybody abandons" him. The physical abuse at the hotel is your future. Perhaps what occurred there is the max for physical abuse. But, it will happen again and will occur more often in the future. 

Read @Blossom Leigh thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/319418-abuse-thread.html
Being in a marriage is hard, in many ways it demands the best each of you. I can understanding someone under extreme stress getting up, leaving the room and when exiting the house slamming the door while saying when you can get real talk to me. Not good but human, although it still needs to be ironed out and a better way to communicate established. But he put his hands on you! 
Now you have a full blown 24/7, wet or dry a drunk, alcoholic and not an occasional binge drinker.

The other thing to bear in mind is few guys realize what being so much bigger means to their spouces perceptions of their actions. What is no big deal to them, takes on a whole different perspective when the other guy has 5-8 inches on you and 60-100 pounds.


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