# Ladies, Why Are Blowjobs so much work?



## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Why are they so much work? I dont understand...I mean I go down on my wife all the time(about twice a week) and I love doing that to her because she gets crazy when I do it(although she never once has asked for it in 3rs of marriage, so I dont know if she cares for it that much)..but I dont find it to be work at all...I try new and different things in bed and so on.
Here's the problem...I get blowjobs about twice a month, ok I am very thankful for that, and whenever she has given me one I compliment her, I thank her for being my wife, I'll kiss her(after she spits out the cum, she wont let me kiss her otherwise), I think I'm a fairly good husband..like we have a romantic relationship and she's not overly stressed about anything, usually I only get blowjobs after I've been initiating by joking about it, or by literaly pointing my penis her direction in bed so she can feel it, even then she will often just completely ignore it, she'll look at me, then sometimes she will just decide to go to sleep...Or sometimes she will get up, go to the bathroom, come back, tie back her hair, and then it's like "she's ready to go to work on me" and I get my bone(blowjob), seems like she will not do it out of her enjoyment at all, but only because she thinks she absolutely has to, at that point it feels like I'm forcing her to do something she doesn't care for...but the blowjob is great at that point, it's just over half the time when I think I'm gonna get a blowjob, she'll either go back to sleep, or just want to cuddle or something, she touches my penis about 3 times a week, feels awkward having a hard on in bed all the time, and she clearly notices, but yet she decides not to do anything about it.
The Other times I get blowjobs is after I've gone down on her, she expects me to get on top of her and go inside her with my penis, but if I decide to lay down beside her and cuddle for a bit, she knows that I'm expecting a blowjob..so she either goes to sleep, or after a long while, she'll do that bathroom routine, come back, do her hair for 2 minutes, then it's back to work for her...she'll smile and stuff, but I know she finds it disgusting or something.
In the past (over a year ago) I would sometimes complain about not getting enough blowjobs, and actually got pretty frustrated because of her lack of initiating sex in our relationship, and I let her know(not in a nice way), but I have apologized, and have been very frustrated many times, but yet I dont show it anymore, I've become emotionless to the fact...I just think "if she doesn't want to do to me what she knows makes me feel loved the most then that's her choice" but yet I start dreaming about other women, how nice their lips would look on my penis, how sexy anal sex would be with them (another act she doesn't care to do with me-that she knows I Love), or any other sex that involves her getting out of her comfort zone...

Often in the evening she'll lay down on the couch and snore away, even though I've been kissing her all day, hugging her, telling her how I love her, saying she's beautiful, sometimes leaving notes and so on....If I decide to go easy on showing love (stepping back like some people here have suggested) our relationship just goes into the ****ter....until I decide to do something about it...she will not take the initiative.

Alright, that's alot of *****ing, and alot of it is the same as a lot of my other posts...but this is where our marriage is right now, everything looks bright and rosy to other people, even to my wife..but the way I feel is disappointed, frustrated, unloved(only will love me if I love her), and very lonely sometimes. I have spoken to her about this in the last year nicely, I have told her how sweet it would be to get blowjobs a little more often...but she feels insulted. I cannot suggest different things because then she gets the impression that all I ever think of is sex (hello, I'm a male, and I have a very high sex drive, this is how I feel loved the most, if you satisfy me in a physical way)
Heck she wont even initiate non sexual love towards me by coming up to me and kissing me, or massaging me or whatever..usually it all seems like work to her...but if I do it to her, she'll do it back..and she feels all loved then...but ONLY after I initiate anything and everything in our relationship.

So this is about more than just blowjobs..but blowjobs are just one major issue for us.

Any feedback/comments would be great, or advice is also greatly appreciated.

Thank you.


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Hmm...... Well ill just give you my opinion on how i feel about it. I HATE bj's tht are just about getting my hubs off. He RARELY ever gets this- i just cant stand the taste of the "end result"- but with that being said, lately we've been having sex about 5-6times a week (yay finally our drives are the same, but anyways) and i think its safe to say that he gets a bj about 75% of the time. BUT heres the catch, we use it for foreplay, not the main course. This is saying that it may last only for like a couple minutes, to get him all revved up for us to get it on.....
Maybe trying initiating the sex more, and use it as a way to spice things up instead of the looking thing ur expecting/wanting.....

idk just some ideas..


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Plus it is called a blow-JOB.......... that should b enough of a answer lol jk


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

maybe she feels it is work or don't like the end taste, but the fact she does it shows she does care some don't at all.

i agree with Sweetie make it a before not the end... i know i get mad my hubby would blow and o yeah then done each time i blow him and that pisses me off (he is a one a night man ok if that)

he is a slow leak man he can come slow as i blow and even i have learned that that means he blows during and then the end or i get a 2 sec finish with sex and either way i loose.

communication, i now hard to ask for it all the time but if that is her way of giving it then ask every day? and talk about it... really


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

Well, I'll tend to disagree with the OPs. I actually LOVE doing this for my partner. I enjoy seeing him turned on; I enjoy seeing him get off. That is affirming to me and I get turned on because he is!  However - we use it as foreplay almost exclusively because that is what he prefers. 

Momof6 is right. You have to talk about it. What about asking her to sit down and make a list of 10 things that turn her on (either physical or mental things) and making your own list at the same time? Ask her to make sure that she includes two things that she likes but that she doesn't feel that you do at all or do enough (mental/emotional/physical - whatever). You can't be judgmental or harsh or take it personally - you have to listen to what she says and accept it. Then discuss the two things on your list that you like but don't feel that you get enough of. My suggestion would be to include one physical thing and one mental/emotional thing. Maybe this could start the conversation for you both to open up in a loving, non-judgmental way. 

Good luck!!!


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Dear married guy,
It sounds like you want frequent oral sex and you perceive your wife nit enjoying it. I am a woman so this is what I would want my husband to do. Next time you are close hugging up on the couch etc. start talking to her. You are probably wanting to touch her and iniate sex right? well don't...keep talking...some times what a woman needs is intimacy...shes being heard understood...this feels like she is being loved...you are playing with her hair or rubbing her ear lobes...she feels close to you, next time you get to this level ask her about she feels about going down on you. Does she like it? Does it turn her on? What can you do for her does she need some more forepaly from you? Does she have a fantasy? In other words talk around it, even kiss while you are asking her questions or do it while you are feeding her grapes. This is sex to me and before you know it...she is enjoying you. You listened to her so she feels loved and you get a blow job so you feel loved. Bingo.

or something like that....


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

I don't get it either OP. I don't get BJs that often and they aren't that 'enthusiastic' like they used to be. It's a chore now, she grips the shaft so high up she only takes a couple inches in which used to not be the case... And consider yourself lucky that at least you can finish in her mouth! I think it's cruel and unusual that she has never and will never let me cum in her mouth. I have to let her know when I'm cumming and she'll jerk me off at the end. 

But to the original point, I don't understand why they're so much work either and I could say the same thing about intercourse. But BJs should be so much easier even. It doesn't take that long, there doesn't have to be a big mess and heck she doesn't even have to take off her clothes, right? I don't get it either bro... I'd be happy to spend time every day of the week if she wanted me down on her or pleasing her. In fact I probably spend well over an hour a week massaging her back or her feet; I don't see a BJ as being more work then giving a 20-30 minute massage (and the BJs last no more then 10 minutes). 

I know not much help, just another voice concurring!


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

i will add i use to give them all the time (as a pre to se*) but now that he don't return the fav or i get the can you will you and when but when i do (he does the mmm oooo nice) during but after nothing like that was nice or sweet.... i get well nothing that day i may get so when will this happen again... ? really o well what you going to do o and remember i get to finish myself alone


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

blow - JOB :lol:

OK, open your mouth as wide as you can and keep it that way for 10 minutes or so. Couple that with trying to keep up some sort of suction and avoiding the gag reflex and accidentally throwing up a bit when you go too deep and you'll see why it can be a bit of work. 

That being said, I like giving blow jobs despite the bit of work and especially like the end. It's a huge turn on for me and I like to swallow - I don't mind the taste at all. H will only let me get him to the end during blow jobs a few times a month although he seems to really enjoy it when he does. The rest of the time he just likes it for foreplay for a few minutes. I don't think he has ever asked for a blowjob in all our 14 yrs of marriage (although I have to include that we weren't having sex of any kind at all for 6 of those years - reason I'm here).


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

unloved said:


> blow - JOB :lol:
> 
> 
> 
> That being said, I like giving blow jobs despite the bit of work and especially like the end. It's a huge turn on for me and I like to swallow - I don't mind the taste at all. .


WoW!
I believe that this is the reason why most females do not like BJ. They do not like the taste...


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

Deb* said:


> WoW!
> I believe that this is the reason why most females do not like BJ. They do not like the taste...


Yeah, so my GFs tell me... I don't think my H realizes how unique I am in that regard.


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## Me'N'My'Girl (Jan 10, 2010)

i actually LOVE giving bj's but i dont do it much anymore as he NEVER goes down on me.

as for it being work,it truely is.he is well endowed and i have to open my jaws SO wide just to take him in and it is very hard work to stop my teeth from scraping him.it really hurts.

another thing,i cant give a bj unless i know the hygiene is good down there.as after a long day there is an offensive smell which i hate.


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## Saya (Mar 25, 2010)

Like Unloved, i'm one of those girls that like the whole bj process. From beginning to end! 

While I think oral is a very important part of foreplay i don't think it should only be just for that. There is something so bonding about giving your partner some selfish pleasure when they need it. And without the requirement to return the favor. But the willingness is appreciated.

You've been married for 3 years? Same as me and Hubs. And we are still learning about eachother sexually. Just last month I learned Hubs had a little kink that he had never told anyone about. When I told him that I was OK with it it was like he had this profound sense of relief. And it is such a little thing! I had to try not to laugh when he told me!! I actually think it is a huge compliment to me.

Maybe your wife just isn't into giving oral. There is not much you can do to change that. But if you two talk maybe you can meet in the middle. The more overt pressure yo put on her, the more she will feel uncomfortable. 

But it does sound like you are the one who puts most of the work into the relationship. Start there and the BJs may follow.

Or, maybe by SLOWLY working on the BJ issue AS WELL, you can work on the relationship. Maybe try turning into a 69 on the side position when you go down on her. Sounds like she enjoys it. Let her see that you are aroused but do not try to get her to blow you. Don't shove it in her face. Just let her know that it is there ready. If she doesn't get you off afterward, don't make her feel guilty about it.


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## RackermannsGirl (Mar 31, 2010)

It's no hard work for me as I enjoy giving it to him - anytime!

It's good for foreplay as well as in between where you prolong the love-making sessions. I don't think it is necessarily for foreplay only.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Heehee my turn I love them! I have to agree with op's about them being work as well. You are a heterosexual man (Im assuming) and therefire have never had to keep your mouth in the open yet suctioned position, ,oving up and down and twisting about like we do. What you do can take as long or longer down on us, however, you are simply moving your maouth and tongue as if it were lengthy make out session... not as tiring on the jaw and cheeks... and ocassional jabs too deep in the throat 

Historically, in our ups and downs we have had, if they take more than several minutes, and its the only sexual activity for the evening... meaning none for her... it becomes work. I personally dont understand not liking the taste, but I would not have married a man I didnt like the taste of If I dont swallow it means that I have done the bj as a nice gesture for him only and am resentful that its one way only... not that husband cares at that point hes satisfied and off to dreamland by that point. Now, I look forward to doing them out of sheer enjoyment bc our sex life is more mutual))))

Im in a similar, yet reversed boat, as you (being the higher drive spouse, yet a woman/wife). I found out this past weekend that husband was withholding and not affectionate etc... bc he was taking anything I said as an insult and that he wasnt good enough! I mean we are talking about windows and he takes it that he is not a good enough provider. I he is better than good enough... only get upset when he withholds and distances himself. SO, my point is to not steal your thread, its to say perhaps there is something going on inside your wife that has her keeping this sex out of obligation type attitude. As a ps... my husband has been all over me since our talk... every day He finally gets that I love him and want him and think he is good enough... so my advice is try to look for not so obvious, and perhaps nonverbal reactions to everyday conversations. Thats what I did and called him on what I saw. It was like a huge weight came off his shoulders, AND it was something that I wasnt doing or saying, but how it was being perceived based on some internal insecurity he has about my having left an ex with a ton of money. The money meant nothing, and still means nothing... BUT it means something to my husband. SO please try to look for little itty bitty nuiances... you may just break down a wall and get a more open wife!!! Best of luck!!


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

My wife DEMANDS that I give her oral pleasure EVERY time we have sex. If I don't do it she feels jipped. She, however, will only do it for me about once every six months and then it is only for about one minute. Come to think of it, it's the same way with massages....


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

My wife is the same as Mike188's. except she will only do it once every 2 years! and for only a couple of minutes, yet she demands oral on her almost everytime we have sex. Her reason is that she said this is the only way she can orgasm, but I don't have to orgasm that way, I can orgasm during sex. So what's the problem?


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Ok, I have tried talking to my wife about it in a very nice way, yesterday for example, we're cuddling on the couch, she was feeling all loved and everything..especially when I'm rubbing her legs...and she was feeling all ready for prime time...and in the end we ended up in bed and I got my blowjob and went down on her afterwards and we also had some doggy style sex...so it was all good right? Well, once again I initiated and it was only an hour after I suggested a blowjob that she did it, she just keeps on dragging it on and on hoping for me to do something else, like get inside her so she doesn't need to blow me...sometimes she'll pass out eventually or she'll get on top of me...almost anything to avoid giving the blowjob.
I told her a few times that she didn't absolutely have to take the cum in the mouth if she doesn't like it..but she just says "I do it because YOU like it" that's all good..but I think it might be one of the reasons she does it so rarely. I Love it when she takes the cum inside her mouth, it would be even sweeter if she would swallow..but that's only a dream.
I talked to her about kissing me after she takes the cum in her mouth, that way it's not only her that gets the bad taste, but instead it's something we could share and laugh about, or might make it even more intimate....but she refuses, she wont even let me kiss her until after she spits it out, and brushes her teeth..

I keep clean, I shave everything down there, and I wash my penis after every time I've been to the bathroom...so that's not an issue, and she appreciates this, but it hasn't increased the frequency of blowjobs at all..

As time has gone by, I've gotten fewer and fewer blowjobs...Yesterday, she opened up a little, and jokingly said "if I gave you blowjobs everyday, you wouldn't crave them anymore"
I told her to please not think like that because I Love them and the more blowjobs I get the more I love them...I love how crazy and loved I feel when she does them, I think it's super sexy, and so on.
She didn't say anything about it after.

I go down on my wife about 3 times a week, often before she goes down on me and often after, so it's not like she's not getting it back...Whenever she gives me a blowjob I'll go down on her, or I'll get inside her or whatever...the end result always is her being satisfied and often begging for me to stop.

Thanks for the help and advice, but I've tried pretty much everything posted so far for the last 2 and a half years...I'm gettin pretty frustrated..


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Its really not that much work, especially if its used as foreplay. I guess that I got burned out by it, when he wouldn't make sure he took care of my later that day...or if I was close to coming...he would just lay there and let me finish myself. 

Also, if there is any emotional gap between you two, that could be a cause...it is a submissive position (to me) to give a BJ and he finishes in your mouth. When there hasn't been an emotional connection between us...I ended up feeling used...and my self-esteem takes a dump.

Do you guys have sex often? If you use oral sex as the seasoning (not the main course) she will be more likely to give it. She will feel fulfilled, and then (if she's smart) will try to do the same for you.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

We have sex about 3 times a week, usually I'll get a blowjob once every two weeks or so, but I'll go down on her about twice a week...maybe because I go down on her so often I expect her to do the same, I have a lot of fun going down on her, teasing her, and making her go crazy, I'm always trying new stuff, but it seems like she's afraid to step out of the comfort zone, and she never suggests anything...I've asked her what she likes and what she doesn't and she has never given me an answer....she's just not the initiating type and that goes for anything that we do not just sex...except when it comes to decorating the house, that's all hers...she's crazy about stuff like that even a few times right after we had sex, she'll start talking about decorating instead of us...I know I'm rambling again...just lettin it out.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MarriedGuy: 

I am like you & my husband is somewhat like your wife. 
I hear you . You are frustrated & have this un-satisfied longing cause you soooo WANT HER "TO DESIRE" to do this -not only for your pleasure, but for her own. * It just takes something away , If you dare feel she is not enjoying it, and Her initiating it would literally Open the flood gates of Heaven to you! * 

I so understand you. 

I will say that if you got them every single day, they might loose "some" of that anticipating exhilerating appeal. I seriously suck my husband almost daily -just cause I want to go there, sometimes I feel I am getting more pleasure than him, I doubt this is the case, but it is crazy where the mind will go. Probably cause he never "asks" anything of me, just like your wife is not asking you, so you question how much she enjoys when you give her oral. Sometimes we can read too much into their silence, or lack of expression. 

I do know that in years past when I did not cater to him every day, If I touched him there, let alone a suck, I literally could feel his member blow up like a balloon being inflated, Now it is a slow rise, sometimes very slow. I don't know. 

Once a week from her might be good though! 

 It really does take away if you feel she is not really into it. That means the world to us. Sounds like you have a pretty decent sex life though, even with this longing you struggle with.


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## IBelieveInScience (Jun 3, 2010)

I know I am really late to the game here, but I'd like to weigh in.

I am very suprised that what I'm about to bring up doesn't come up alot in the "why doesn't she like to give me BJs" convos. Many women find giving BJs very demeaning or dirty. If they have seen porn it is likely they have seen women being "face-f**ked" or generally treated poorly while performing this act. Additionally, social conditioning (at home, at church, freinds, etc) can have shaped her view of this act. 

Also, and possibly importantly, there could be a very negative experience in her past that makes her reluctant. From personal experience, this can make evern limited c**k sucking difficult if not impossible no matter how willing you are to please your partner. It has taken me years to trust my husband (that I am generally otherwise uninhibited with) enough to derive pleasure from giving him this. No matter how open you feel she's been about her past, she may not have shared this. I know I never said anything but "I just don't do _that_."


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

I give my H blow jobs most times as a foreplay. He knows 2 conditions must be met

1) Shower/Wash private parts before sex
2) Never to come inside my mouth

He knows that if he does #2, that would be the end of BJ. If he's close, he pulls out, and I finish him with my hands sometimes. He has never made the mistake of coming inside my mouth. I didn't like to giving BJ before, but I now rather enjoy it as long as these two conditions are met .


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I've told my wife the secret to a happy marriage is frequent and spontaneous bjs. A man that knows you could go down on him at any moment will bring his butt home and early. Also, conditions on sex is lame. "honey ill go down on you but only lick the clit because your juices areso sticky."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

I agree with Kobo that conditions for sex are lame and that it would be best if both parties enjoy the same activity with gladness of hearts. On the other hands, if one party really wants something and the other party really dislikes it, it would be wise to try to find "win-win" solutions for both. This was our win-win solution, and now we are both happy .


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## MMA_FIGHTER (Feb 2, 2009)

so why dont you suck a **** and see how much work it is...maybe she doesnt want to swallow your love potion anyway, but does to make you happy....seriously...i like BJ's but i dont NEED them all the time...and i never expect my wife to swallow...she did once but that was what she wanted to do...if you need BJ's all the time then go to a rub and tug or a hooker....


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## MMA_FIGHTER (Feb 2, 2009)

Mike188 said:


> My wife DEMANDS that I give her oral pleasure EVERY time we have sex. If I don't do it she feels jipped. She, however, will only do it for me about once every six months and then it is only for about one minute. Come to think of it, it's the same way with massages....


so give her one minute of oral.....things will change...and when she asks why such a short time just say that you a feeling jipped for not getting a BJ


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## jhef83 (Jun 7, 2010)

Women always seem to say "I'm no good at it" Well I got great news, I don't care. It's just A turn on having you down there. I last longer if I get a little before sex just to get me rock hard.  Now if I could only get some sex


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

First, it is not only lame but ridiculous and narrow minded to say......



Kobo said:


> conditions on sex is lame. "honey ill go down on you but only lick the clit because your juices areso sticky."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I need a better word for ridiculous. If you don't like her juices being sticky, then don't go down on her, but it would not be lame to dislike her juices being sticky if that is the way you feel. Besides that, women go down and don't have to want him shooting a wad into her mouth, but she gets plenty of the juices up to that point.



questions said:


> I agree with Kobo that conditions for sex are lame and that it would be best if both parties enjoy the same activity with gladness of hearts.


I take that as you telling us you go down on both men and women for you to consider both acts as being the exact same thing. I also take that as you telling us you are both male and female for you to consider both acts as being the exact same thing. Thank you for that information. I now know to visualize your physical appearance with two heads on top and somewhere near the middle.

Going down on a man and going down on a woman are not the same activities for anyone who can grasp the exponentially-multiplied actions that the word "activity" entails. By the same standard of calling them the same activity, then sex is the exact same activity as a roller coaster ride at Disney World, and walking down the street, and washing dishes, and showering, and being at work (unless you work in the porn industry).

And yes, conditions are necessary if that is the way a person feels. She shouldn't have to take the wad in her mouth if she doesn't like the taste. The complaints go way beyond not getting a blow job, but everything has to be complained about. It isn't enough to get blow jobs, but she doesn't want you releasing in her mouth, and she also won't swallow. The complaints never end, and it doesn't seem to be any kind of gratitude for anything she does do.

I don't have any idea how a woman tastes. What is more than that, I don't have any idea how a woman tastes to a man. So it would be incredibly stupid of me to judge him and call it the same thing. I like vanilla ice cream, but how would I sound complaining that another person doesn't like it?

A man is secreting juices the whole time. I actually like that and find it kind of sweet tasting. But the wad is mixed with other juices and semen too. It tastes entirely different. I hate the taste but will still take in my mouth because pulling out detracts from his pleasure. Therefore, taking it my mouth adds to his pleasure, and he wants me to so I do. No problem at all. But I will not swallow. Swallowing means the taste will linger for a day or two. It means the taste *that I hate* remains in my mouth and affects the flavor of foods and drinks. But you guys have to complain about that too - something that doesn't affect your pleasure at all, neither adds to it nor detracts from it. Insane. It means you want everything without considering a person has a right to her reasons and her own feelings. If it is so much to complain about, shoot in a cup and drink it yourself.

And finally, the two *very different activities* require different motions and different muscles. Fatigue is much more likely going down on a man than a woman. But hey, I said I have never been down on a woman, and I never will. So if there is a man here who would like to tell me it requires the exact same muscles and motions at the exact same pace, that their wife's clit is so big that it causes neck AND jaw fatigue to go down on her, I am not the one who will argue with him or judge him.


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## crazylady (Jun 12, 2010)

I never hated giving my husband BJs - in fact I quite liked it and found that it turned me on too. One thing though, I didn't like it if he came in my mouth - it happened once and made me choke so the rule was if in doubt pull out. I wish my husband still wanted me - I would gladly do the deed if that were the case, it wouldn't mean that I expected anything from him either, I would just do it for the fun of it. Maybe the fun has gone out of your sex life a little. I also prefered it if my hubby didn't move whilst this was happening, I liked being in charge and I don't like surprises...


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Susan, coditional sex is lame IMO. If you enjoy it then keep doing what you do. God i feel sorry for you guys that marry and have to deal with these woman's lib types. God bless y'all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## briana84 (Jul 14, 2010)

questions said:


> I give my H blow jobs most times as a foreplay. He knows 2 conditions must be met
> 
> 1) Shower/Wash private parts before sex
> 2) Never to come inside my mouth
> ...


I'm with you on that! Here are my 2 conditions for my wife. She knows these 2 conditions must be met.

1) Shower/Wash private parts before sex
2) Never orgasm while my mouth is on her

She knows that if she does #2, that would be the end of oral sex for her. If she's close, she pushes me away, and I finish her with my hands. She has never made the mistake of climaxing while I am going down on her. I didn't like giving oral sex before, but I now rather enjoy it as long as these two conditions are met.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

SweetiepieMI said:


> Plus it is called a blow-JOB.......... that should b enough of a answer lol jk


Yah but why do they call it blowing?


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

briana84 said:


> I'm with you on that! Here are my 2 conditions for my wife. She knows these 2 conditions must be met.
> 
> 1) Shower/Wash private parts before sex
> 2) Never orgasm while my mouth is on her
> ...


:rofl:
a very good point!
I'm so happy that I'm not your wife, and that makes me appreciate my hubby even more.
:lol:


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

My husband is quite into BJs and I don't mind doing it. Its not bad but its not good.. kinda neutral I guess. It is kinda cool watching him squirm around, moan, etc... lol. I don't really like the taste of the end result but its not horrible so I can put up with it, no biggie. I can go for a fair while before my jaw starts to hurt, thank goodness. 

One thing I could never understand is how you males can eat a woman out for long periods of time - doesn't that hurt you after a while??? I would imagine it would be more physically tough than me doing a HJ because there are a lot more movements from your tongue, face, neck, etc. You guys must have tough face muscles!!


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## BorrowedHalo (Jul 6, 2010)

Gross. No way in H-E-Double Hockey Sticks! Not this year, not the last 20 years, not next year, not with a new mate. Gross. Gross. Gross.


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## Sue (Feb 22, 2010)

My H loves them too, and I have always performed them (before our marriage started to tatter - whole other story). I even swallow, as I don't mind the taste (I would never say I love it, though).

We have been married for 15 years and have 3 young children, and our marriage has gone through a lot, especially in the last few years.

For me, I really resent the fact that he wants bjs even when he is not going to recriprocate anything for me. Don't get me wrong, he does go down on me, and lately a lot more than he ever did, but he also expects them when I'm on my "ya-know". I am sorry, but I am really REALLY not in the mood for any kind of sex during that time. I hate this pressure, and it causes tension about this issue at all times.

He will often say, I've been making advaces all day......Yeah, so I day I know that you are expecting it, as opposed to me initiating it.
He also says that I am not cuddly and sexy during the day - when I have been, it is interpreted as I want to give you a bj, not that I want to have wild, hot sex tonight.

After all this time, I don't know what the answer is, but I will definitely be keeping my eye on the rest of the posts.

One last thing......just a quick survey.....how many bj a week/month is reasonable (really, not what you'd like, but what you could/should be expected)?


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Honestly I'd LOVE a BJ, it's something on my list of (I'd love it, but I'll never get it). My wife was born with a cleft palate. She's had 30+ surgeries (even more ongoing) because of it. Her jaw doesn't open up correctly and causes her pain if she opens it for too long. Also, she has a small hole that goes from the roof of her mouth directly up to her nasal cavity. Due that hole, she cannot even get suction. My wifes a trooper, she's tried before but she just cant do it, it hurts her too much. She's found other ways though to "replace" the bj (breasts are AMAZINGLY soft) 



76Trombones said:


> One thing I could never understand is how you males can eat a woman out for long periods of time - doesn't that hurt you after a while???


lol, yes. My wife sometimes gets in moods where she doesn't want to tighten her muscles and try to orgasm, she wants it just to come on without trying (she says it's a different type of orgasm). In those times I've actually gone for about 15 minutes straight before she would orgasm. And yes, my jaw hurt the next day!


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## wayne81 (Mar 12, 2012)

I ran across this thread today and it reminded me of my own relationship. We've been together for 12 years, 10 of it married, and oral sex has always been kind of a "hush hush" topic. Early on she discussed with me that she was made to perform oral, I assume by being guilted into it, with her previous boyfriend, and so I never really pushed it. We both agreed that it would be something that would be worked on as she got more comfortable with it. I would occaisionally bring it up or joke about it, and I did find my penis in her mouth on occaision over the years, but always as foreplay, never more than a minute or two, never to completion, and she never seemed comfortable with it to any degree.

Lately, over the last 3 months or so, we have started to force ourselves to be more open sexually. I have also been trying to improve myself, thanks in no small part to MMSL and a couple of wonderfully helpful commenters on an email conversation between myself and Athol than ended up being one of his posts.

In the last three months or so, she has made attempts more times at oral sex than in the entirety of our marriage, and we are working on it together. Hopefully once I know what I like I can help teach her and it will just make things better for both of us. 

For the record, I have no problems going down on her and have many times. She is sometimes hesitant to let me because I think in her mind I am expecting reciprocation. And maybe in some part I am, but really all I want is for her to be able to enjoy giving me pleasure as I do her. I do not see it as submissive in general, but as a matter of role play it certainly can be. Otherwise I feel the woman has all the power because she has total control over what happens, when, and for how long. And what better way to make your man feel like a King (remember our egos love to be stroked, among other things) than to do it once in a while just for him? I'm sure we'd be happy to do the same for you.

I love going down on her because I know it gives her lots o' pleasure. Does it taste good? No, most of the time it doesn't, but I find ways to work around it or work up a bunch of spit to dilute the taste. A shower also works wonders, but is not required. As for her part, as a frequent masturbator over the years, I know that I am not leaking pre-cum all the way through stimulation. This means during a blowjob I'm not doing it either. It's pretty much only after I'm really turned on and then the orgasm at the end. For my wife's part, I taste her through the entire act, but I don't shy away from it, I want to make her feel good and I will do whatever it takes to get there.

I get pleasure from knowing that I am giving her pleasure, and that is really all I want in return. I don't want her to be doing it because it is expected or think of it as a job, but rather out of desire to give me pleasure, just as I do for her. The term "blowjob" is not appropriate at all and I think even using the word can turn some women off.

Women, all we (men in general) really want is to share the experience with you. The old high school trick of a boy telling a girl, "If you loved me you'd do it," is frankly not far off, they are just using it wrong. I can think of no greater way for my wife to express her love for me than to take the sexual center of my body into her mouth with love and accept the outcome of the pleasure she has provided. 

Spit or swallow? Of course we want you to swallow! That says to us that you accept us wholly and without judgement. If you spit, make a face, or otherwise shun the fact that you just made us cum, regardless of what the man tells you, he is emotionally hurt because you were willing to go 90% of the way with him and then at the very end you reject everything you've worked toward. Does it still feel good? Yes, of course, but I can tell you he is still hurt somewhat.

I really didn't mean to ramble on, all I really meant to say was that I totally identify with the OP and several of the others who only want back what they are willing to give, and we are willing to help our spouses do that. Let's all work together. You tell us what you need to feel loved and we'll try our damndest to do it for you, and all we want in retur is for you to do the same for us. We will be more than happy to treat you like the Princess you've been told you are, but in return it is only appropriate that you willingly treat us like a Prince.

I've spent 10 good years of my sexual prime waiting on myself and didn't even know it. I shudder at the though of waking up an old man and feeling bitter and resentful about the things that didn't happen when I was yonger. Do I have frustration and resentment built up from the last 10 years? Yes I do, not just from oral sex but with with rejection in general. I'm trying to work on it, and I want to work on it together with my wife. Just remember guys (and gals), the only person YOU can change is YOU. If your husband or wife recognizes that and choose to follow along, great. If not, then you still deserve to be as happy and fullfilled as you can, just don't forget your goal is mutual appreciation and respect.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

_We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too._

- John Muhforken Fitzgerald Kennedy, beotches


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

yeah...a little old but the recent poster has some good comments. He should start a new thread.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Well if it wasn't work it wouldn't be called a job would it? Lol. 
I don't see what the big deal is. I like to give oral but my h seems to respond better to my hand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I love giving Bj. I am an unselfish person.. I have no problems giving one without getting anything in return.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's not work, persay. I love giving!

However, when it's taking 30 minutes to finish, my jaw is DONE. Sorry, my TMJ just can't handle it.

Hubs is usually has good timing  

But if you wonder why it's so much work, try it for 20 minutes  Seriously.


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## confusedinlife (Mar 9, 2012)

that_girl said:


> It's not work, persay. I love giving!
> 
> However, when it's taking 30 minutes to finish, my jaw is DONE. Sorry, my TMJ just can't handle it.
> 
> ...


if it is a good bj, it should not take anywhere near 20 minutes...:smthumbup:


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

it not like real "work", like working in a factory....but, its still work. think about when you have sex, thats work..well its the same thing.

the blood is pumping, the heart is racing, your out of breath. it does fell like a mini marathon. you're tired, thirsty, hungry, sweating...and usually naked by the end.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

BJ's aren't hard work for women...just some women. 

Personally i love giving them.
My H can have one anytime he wants....as foreplay or the main event.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

that_girl said:


> However, when it's taking 30 minutes to finish, my jaw is DONE. Sorry, my TMJ just can't handle it.
> 
> Hubs is usually has good timing
> 
> But if you wonder why it's so much work, try it for 20 minutes  Seriously.


Hmmm...is it just me or does 20 minutes still sound like a long time to be giving oral sex?

I think I would start to feel bad for her after 15 minutes.

If it is one of those "I'm gonna make you c_m" kind of BJs and it is not about teasing or foreplay, then I'm not sure we have had one last longer than 10 minutes and often much less.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am so tired of reading about how all women must really hate BJs and it's such a chore. Not every woman thinks that way. Some of us actually enjoy it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

confusedinlife said:


> if it is a good bj, it should not take anywhere near 20 minutes...:smthumbup:


That's not true. Sometimes hubs has problems cumming from a BJ.

I give good ones, and frequently.

 He has no complaints. But my jaw does.

I just asked him. He said, "That guy's just jealous." 

I LOVE doing it  It's sometimes our "sex" as I orgasm from giving him a BJ. I don't just bob up and down LOL No. I got moves  And it's our love making. ESPECIALLY right now as I can't have sex (doc orders) for another 2 weeks


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I am so tired of reading about how all women must really hate BJs and it's such a chore. Not every womman think that way. Some of us actually enjoy it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:smthumbup::iagree:


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I am so tired of reading about how all women must really hate BJs and it's such a chore. Not every womman think that way. Some of us actually enjoy it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The only thing that sucks is women like you are apparently very few and far between.


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## Screenp2 (Dec 4, 2011)

My wife always said it hurt her jaw so she stopped the oral like 8 years ago.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just gotta take breaks when the jaw hurts and do other things to the member 

We are both not into "foreplay". We just do it....kinda all tangled up within each other. It's not like, Ok, I sucked you and you licked me (eh, i dont' care for that though) and now you're pinching my nipples and I'm rubbing you....
No.

We're like greedy kids in a candy store. Grabbing, screwing, licking, sucking  Good stuff.

So I guess that's why a 20 minute blow job isn't a big deal to me because I'm doing other things and he's doing things to me. I'm not just bobbin up and down on his knob. It's the whole experience.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Go down Moses, Way down to Egypt land, Tell old Pharaoh, Let my people go!


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## confusedinlife (Mar 9, 2012)

that_girl said:


> That's not true. Sometimes hubs has problems cumming from a BJ.
> 
> I give good ones, and frequently.
> 
> ...



jealous? as if.....I just know it has never taken me 20 min to cum with a bj.....


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## confusedinlife (Mar 9, 2012)

\\


that_girl said:


> Just gotta take breaks when the jaw hurts and do other things to the member
> 
> We are both not into "foreplay". We just do it....kinda all tangled up within each other. It's not like, Ok, I sucked you and you licked me (eh, i dont' care for that though) and now you're pinching my nipples and I'm rubbing you....
> No.
> ...


you don't like to be licked??????? ok....:scratchhead:


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Giving a blow job leads to jaw and neck pain. It is not easy. 

That said, if I can enjoy giving oral after being sexually abused as a child in that manner, any woman can. 

I had an ex who used to manipulate me into having sex all the time. I never found him attractive and he was too controlling, so I did not like having sex with him. He would whine, beg and guilt me into it. I have recently told him that only a sick man can enjoy sex with a woman who does not want it. I hated semen way back then and I refused to let him come in my mouth. 

Since I am comfortable with my husband, I don't mind blowing him all the time or allowing my hubby to come in my mouth. Of course, I always found him very sexy and he NEVER pressures me into anything sexual.

Anyone who only does a blow job for five minutes isn't doing it right. It is supposed to be a sensuous, drawn out experience. Don't hate on those of us that have good sex lives, just because you may not.  My husband's blowjobs are never less than fifteen mintues. TG and I are righteous tarts.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

confusedinlife said:


> jealous? as if.....I just know it has never taken me 20 min to cum with a bj.....


Well, then I'm glad you enjoy your quickies.

What do you care about how long our bjs last? LOL!! Good for you! You come quickly. Awesome.

And no, (to the other person) I don't like to be licked. What problem is that for you? my husband doesn't care...I like TONS of other things. He knows my reasons...so why do you care?

Godam. LOL I have a great sex life with a husband who doesnt come in 2 minutes. it's more than I ever wanted  If I'm happy, what do other people care?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

People who are not happy with themselves, love to criticize others.

As I get older, I realize this simple truth more and more. 

Which man wouldn't like to last longer? At least TG and I are not married to two pump chumps.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> People who are not happy with themselves, love to criticize others.
> 
> As I get older, I realize this simple truth more and more.
> 
> Which man wouldn't like to last longer?


Hubs told me last night that he likes to last for a while because it feels so good it doesn't want it to end.

I just love people who jump on happy people. lol. No one criticized their love making techniques...not without being asked.

Rude.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

In fairness to the women out BJs can be ALLOT of work. Granted some women may benefit from improved technique and or incorporating more/more intense hand involvement. That said, let's not beat up the women who are not able, despite good efforts to do this loving act with ease. That is not fair. 

On the other hand there are ways to make the act less "work". Let's keep in mind that there are some men (myself included) that take a while to cum regardless of the technique/enthusiasm applied or how attracted they are to their wives etc. I require allot of intense and/or prolonged physical/visual/mental stimulation to reach orgasm. My slow response is true for intercourse and masturbation as well. Like women, some men can come with little more than a sneeze or stiff brease while others require a combination of various stimuli applied simultaniously to orgasm. 

For me my wife has to really work to get me to come orally. This is true especially if there is little warm up. I should preface this by saying when i get a bj it does not involve sex with her. I don't know if other couples use BJ's as a "happy ending" to intercourse or if it is a "for him only" activity. For us it is the latter. My wife love me climaxing insider her and once we get going that is always the result. 

On those occasions when i am offered a bj, i usually give her "a hand". I either get myself aroused by hand and or in between or in conjunction with her oral stimulation. There are times when she'll put on a racy TV show or even SC cable porn. Since i am already highly aroused at this point. She can give me quite a powerful orgasm quite easily.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

marriedguy said:


> usually I only get blowjobs after I've been initiating by joking about it, or by literaly *pointing my penis her direction in bed so she can feel it*,
> 
> The Other times *I get blowjobs is after I've gone down on her, she expects me to get on top of her and go inside her with my penis*, but if I decide to lay down beside her and cuddle for a bit, she knows that I'm expecting a blowjob..so she either goes to sleep, or after a long while, she'll do that bathroom routine, come back, do her hair for 2 minutes, then it's back to work for her...she'll smile and stuff, but I know she finds it disgusting or something.


I know the OP's post is from 2010, but a couple of tips for guys:

- Pointing your penis at her so she can feel it (otherwise known as poking) is not necessarily a turn on for all women. For some, it's actually a turn-off. Especially if there are other issues and resentments in the relationship. Just saying. If you want a blowjob, poking her with your penis may not be the best way to, um, get her excited or to ask for one.

- If you give her oral and she comes, expecting a blowjob right after may not be the best time for it. Some women lose desire for sex after an orgasm. If you give her oral and she didn't come, but she is close and expecting you to f*ck her so she can finish and instead you want a blowjob, you sort of ruin the momentum she had building toward her orgasm. If she loses her orgasm, then she also might lose interest in going forward with a blowjob, especially if you are the type to fall asleep after an orgasm...then, it appears you got all her worked up only to stop after you got yours. Either of things things might not be an issue with every woman, but they are both worth considering. You really need to find the right rhythm that works for both of you - timing is important.

- Some women just simply do not like giving blowjobs. Those women are more sensitive to the above issues, and many others. If you are with a woman who doesn't like it but does it every now and then because she wants to please you, accept that she IS doing it to PLEASE you and give her credit for trying instead of insisting that she love it.


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## confusedinlife (Mar 9, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Well, then I'm glad you enjoy your quickies.
> 
> What do you care about how long our bjs last? LOL!! Good for you! You come quickly. Awesome.
> 
> ...


you are oversensitive...I could care less what your sex life is like...I was merely making some observations ......and no one said anything about cumming in 2 minutes except you.....if your husband does not care to lick you it must be because he does not like to....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

confusedinlife said:


> you are oversensitive...I could care less what your sex life is like...I was merely making some observations ......and no one said anything about cumming in 2 minutes except you.....if your husband does not care to lick you it must be because he does not like to....


Stay away from my posts. Thanks.

And do not talk to me again.


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## confusedinlife (Mar 9, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Stay away from my posts. Thanks.
> 
> And do not talk to me again.


Struck a nerve apparently...why is that?


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Blowjobs are harder than eating out. What you think deepthroat is easy? Then why don't you try it and see. My .02


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Deep throating is a very difficult skill to learn. Linda Lovelace had a great trip that works: Lie with your head hanging off your bed with your mouth wide open. It supposedly lines up all the throat muscles and makes deep throating easier, at least it does in our bedroom.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> Deep throating is a very difficult skill to learn. Linda Lovelace had a great trip that works: Lie with your head hanging off your bed with your mouth wide open. It supposedly lines up all the throat muscles and makes deep throating easier, at least it does in our bedroom.


It definately goes down easier in this position. But it's harder to suck in this position.

Edit - Just so I'm clear. I said deepthroat was hard not that I'm not damn good at it. I like making my husbands toes curl.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Warning I get a little graphic (for explanative purposes only)

I give my hats off to any women able/willing to deep throat. I would think this ads to the overall discomfort of the act. Plus takes some real gag control. To me it is impressive move but not necessary in the least. It is surely not what is going to make me cum for sure. 

I think the real trick is incorporating your hand to also stimulate the head and shaft. My wife also takes me out of her mouth (so her jaw gets a break) and uses hand motion while rubbing my tip across her puckered lips and tounge. 

My wife early on told me not to jam it down her throat and naturally i have listened.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

tjohnson said:


> Warning I get a little graphic (for explanative purposes only)
> 
> I give my hats off to any women able/willing to deep throat. I would think this ads to the overall discomfort of the act. Plus takes some real gag control. To me it is impressive move but not necessary in the least. It is surely not what is going to make me cum for sure.
> 
> ...



My husband has never jammed it down my throat. When I asked him if he ever thought about it he said no that he thought it was rude and could never do that to me. I'm not judging you, just telling you my experience. 

As far as deepthroat when i would give him oral I would always ask after what he liked versus what he didnt and changed what i was doing according to what he liked. For you deepthroat isn't necessary but for my husband it's one of the best parts. So i do it. 

And yes it's uncomfortable to do deepthroat. Once you get past the gagging reflex you cant do it too long because you cant breath. I dont think all guys realize this. A woman is literally blocking her airway and she cant breath for the length of time it's in her throat. But I've learned to adjust in a way that it doesn't make me uncomfortable. I like doing it for my husband, it's one of the ways I show him that I love him. Because men certainy DONT need BJ's, they have vaginas.  My .02


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Love Song said:


> It definately goes down easier in this position. But it's harder to suck in this position.
> 
> Edit - Just so I'm clear. I said deepthroat was hard not that I'm not damn good at it. I like making my husbands toes curl.


Me too Love Song! :smthumbup:

Sorry, I didn't explain properly. I didn't mean to suck in this position; I mean do that before giving head.


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## ufl447 (Mar 24, 2012)

My wife and I just got in a fight about bj's recently. When we were first together she let me finish in her mouth a few times. I don't really care if she spits or swallows and she always spit and that is fine. 

But now we've been married for a while and I get maybe 1 every 2 or 3 months for a few seconds as foreplay, and that's it. I recently asked what happened, not trying to make her feel guilty and she got really mad. I know it's not a lot of work timewise, I can only last for a minute or two while receiving oral. I love going down on my wife and pleasuring her, and can last for 15 or 20 minutes easily while having sex. So I think she is happy.

So I don't understand why pleasuring me is so bad and now I don't even know how to bring it up. She has said she just doesn't have much of a sex drive, but I don't know if that is an excuse or what.


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## Stu1970 (Mar 7, 2012)

I think that if you're receiving oral / blow jobs from your wife / partner regularly because they enjoy it then don't knock it.
I've been with my wife since 2004 and she very rarely goes down on me, and when she does it's never to completion. This is pretty upsetting if I think about it too much because I love giving her orgasms orally on a regular basis (3/4 times per week). Its not that I expect this in return but just now and again would be better than hardly ever!
The worst thing for me is that having had quite a few female partners in the past they have all loved doing it just as much as I have loved giving oral to them. If anyone has any ideas how to assist me here they would be much appreciated too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## newbeehun (Feb 15, 2012)

With all this talk about BJs being given, recieved,likes, dislikes etc. One thing I have noticed is that people don`t mention if they ended up swallowing it or it is being used as a foreplay technique. I am intrigued as to how many people actually swallow it everytime they have oral sex.
I have personally never swallowed it and it`s something that we are both considering. We do go down on each other but it has been mostly for foreplay. It would be interesting to read your opinions about the taste or the aftermath of a BJ for that matter. Does the taste linger on or what techniques you use to make the after taste go away?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

whisky makes the taste go away

Always swallow, never spit - talk about ruin the momentum ha ha
Cutting the poor guy's orgasm short to run to the sink???


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Jesus Christ in a shopping cart you're all overthinking. It's not cellular chemistry, suck it lick it, get it wet, it's a penis and you have a mouth. You don't need an instruction manual.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

MarriedGuy
Have you ever tried having your wife give you a BJ after you guide her oral? If she is sexually satisfied she may be more inclined to give you a BJ. 

As far as I know, the practice is that women are expected to give them with cold. No warm-up and when he is done that's it. Also, she gets the reward of cum to swallow. 

How many men swallow their cum every time they get a BJ? How many men give their partner oral sex without having vaginal sex afterwards? 

Why do you pose a question that has an obvious answer? If you can't do it or if you are not doing it, why do you expect it of your wife? 

Getting BJ seems to be a persistent problem for so many men. That must mean that a women's experience is not equal to the pleasure that men get. 

Might the inequity of expectations be a problem?

My husband and I have oral sex sessions. We get warmed up and he gives me and I give him. 

I can't orgasm vaginally so I am very satisfied and still turned on. I have very little problem giving him BJ's. I am so worked up that I do it with enthusiasm.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think the feeling loved thing is a rationalization for an act that men know deep down, is a one sided act. There is also the knowledge that they themselves could not do what they ask their partners to do. 

Many women know this but don't say it. But actions speak louder than words. Moreover, after a woman provides a man with this intense pleasure, he has the nerve to complain about it. 

He wants to shove his junk down her mouth, spray cum on her face, wants her to swallow his cum. Some won,en like these things and some don't.

The men who want to shove their penis down their partner mouth, take a dildo and shove it down your mouth and swallow every time you get a BJ to show your partner there is no big deal. 

I think BJ would be no problem if practiced the way I describe. I think their is an added benefit to the man doing exactly what he expects his partner to do. Lets call it a 70.

The 69 practice I think, is a step in the right direction. But why shouldn't each person enjoy the full experience of receiving without concentration on giving?


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> I think the feeling loved thing is a rationalization for an act that men know deep down, is a one sided act. ?


Catherine if you don't like giving bjs, don't do them. You are a big girl and responsible for your own actions. Don't give bjs and then complain about the fact that you did. If your partner doesn't share our viewpoint then find a new partner.


Assuming your statement above is true, what is it about your understanding of sex that causes you to find a one-sided sexual act so offensive? If you love your partner is it hard to understand a desire to please your partner?


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Just a theory of mine...
If at anytime you see a sex act as one sided then love has disappeared from the equation...

Going down on my wife can be work but ya know what I love her... So watching her get excited from me giving her pleasure, makes me excited...

Now if I don't care about ya, I don't care how bad you need it, it ain't happening....

Sometimes, rarely though, I can finish in under ten, and that is based solely for the lust my wife has...
If she can handle it, and not always she can, I'm fine with a half an hour...
And we both enjoy every minute of it...

When we perform oral...
Every movement, lips, tongue, head, arms, body, legs, toes move with statements of, I love you, I want you, please me, let me please you...
And any woman who can't perform with that level of desire, truly do not desire me, thus I could not desire her the same... Tell me "It's a one sided chore" my suggestion would be, "You're best to find someone you mesh with better"


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Catherine,
Not sure I understand the bolded text. Can you clarify?




Catherine602 said:


> *I think the feeling loved thing is
> a rationalization for an act that men know deep down, is a one sided act. There is also the knowledge that they themselves could not do what they ask their partners to do.*
> 
> Many women know this but don't say it. But actions speak louder than words. Moreover, after a woman provides a man with this intense pleasure, he has the nerve to complain about it.
> ...


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> The men who want to shove their penis down their partner mouth, take a dildo and shove it down your mouth and swallow every time you get a BJ to show your partner there is no big deal.




With that said, The women who want cunnilingus, but the man doesn't enjoy it, try going down on another woman.....



Catherine602 said:


> I think the feeling loved thing is
> a rationalization for an act that men know deep down, is a one sided act. There is also the knowledge that they themselves could not do what they ask their partners to do.


same could be said for the opposite sex....

But then you say this?????



Catherine602 said:


> But why shouldn't each person enjoy the full experience of receiving without concentration on giving?


You suggest Every man should give a blow job to get the "full experience of receiving without concentration on giving" ????
Lets see the ladies do the same!!!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Lionelhutz said:


> Catherine if you don't like giving bjs, don't do them. You are a big girl and responsible for your own actions. Don't give bjs and then complain about the fact that you did. If your partner doesn't share our viewpoint then find a new partner.
> 
> 
> Assuming your statement above is true, what is it about your understanding of sex that causes you to find a one-sided sexual act so offensive? If you love your partner is it hard to understand a desire to please your partner?


I do love my husband and I do have the desire to please him and he returns to me 110%. However, he was the one who came up with the idea of oral sex night not me. 

I am attempting to share with you something that may work. So please read my post again in that context. 

I know about this and I am trying to share what worked so well for me. From a very repressed beginning, I do things I never thought I would enjoy. He seduced me slowly. At every stage we did what we both enjoyed. Then we expanded into new territory. 

After a while, I trusted him and jumped right in to new adventures. I knew we would take care of each other. He expected no more of me than he gave. 

Sex has to be mutually enjoyable. I think the expectation of a desire to please that translates into BJ is unrealistic. 

If you notice form the posts on the subject, the women who give BJ for years, enjoy them. The women who don't tapper off and avoid them until the attitude of their partner is so unrelenting that they do it. 

You can use seduction. Seduction takes skill and patience. The seduced one has to trust that your love is not only about you but her as well. 

That means that the anger you show in your post in reference to BJ that you expect as a show of her love quenches any love she might have felt. 

What I am trying to say is that a satisfied woman is more adventurous more enthusiastic and is more willing to grow sexually. Read some studies. They prove my point. 

I am not trying to stop men from getting BJ. I hate to see the frustration of so many men denied the pleasure. I am trying to help not hurt.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Accipiter777 said:


> With that said, The women who want cunnilingus, but the man doesn't enjoy it, try going down on another woman.....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Boy this is such a hot button issue that you eyes are clouded by the smoke coming out of your head. :FIREdevil:

I said instead of doing 69, one person goes and then the other, Non-simultaneously. In that way you are both satisfied. For me 69 is distracting. I can't give decent BJ and I don't orgasm. 

I want to enjoy the experience of giving and seeing his pleasure and then receiving. 69 takes away both of those for me.

You don't want a solution, you just want to vent your anger at any woman who happens to speak up. 

It has nothing to do with what I wrote. It is displaced because you dare not say it to whoever that woman is who is kicking your azzz. 

I am a safe target. I give up consume yourselves with rage and see if that works.

BTW I am not talking about the men who give BJ. I am talking about heterosexuals.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

From what I am getting from Catherine602's post (and correct me Catherine if I am wrong) is that the sexual experience should be mutual. It shouldn't be one sided where the man is pressuring the woman into giving him a BJ without the man in turn taking care of his woman sexually. 

In that sense, I completely agree with her. First I should probably say that most women (as I do as well) have to deal with the stigma of BJ's. We grow up being taught that BJ's are for prostitutes. Not for women who are in relationship's where she is valued and respected. 

My experience with oral sex is that without even trying my husband and I give oral 50% of the time. Meaning I don't get it more than he does. That isn't done purposefully but automatically because we try to take care of one another. And when we do have oral sex it comes from a place of love not pressure. 

And I can 110% say that if I felt like my husband was demeaning me in any way he would not get a BJ from me. If you aren't getting BJ's at home maybe you should look at your approach. 

Sometimes I read stuff on TAM about guys not getting BJ's and it sounds like the guy wants a BJ more than he cares about his wife. Why would she want to do it for you if that's how she is being made to feel??? 

Just trying to help.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> If you notice form the posts on the subject, the women who give BJ for years, enjoy them. The women who don't tapper off and avoid them until the attitude of their partner is so unrelenting that they do it.
> 
> 
> 
> That means that the anger you show in your post in reference to BJ that you expect as a show of her love quenches any love she might have felt.


You are obviously arguing with what you imagine I am saying and not what I am actually saying.

Just to be really clear, I have never, not once, asked for a bj. Every woman I have ever been with has decided what she is and is not comfortable with on her own terms. And it wouldn't appeal to me on any other terms.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Catherine said 
"I said instead of doing 69, one person goes and then the other, Non-simultaneously. In that way you are both satisfied. For me 69 is distracting. I can't give decent BJ and I don't orgasm. 

I want to enjoy the experience of giving and seeing his pleasure and then receiving. 69 takes away both of those for me."

I agree. cant focus on either, just focus on one so the other can do the same.

I've reread your post I quoted... I'm not sure what how I read it now... text is a sucky way to convey a conversation. No body language to read... no voice to hear. I read it as an attack and I apologize for thinking that. 

My Perspective: 

Men who want BJ's but dont get them are often viewed as selfish. "What about your wifes needs?" 

Women who want cunnilingus but get none are viewed as not getting their needs met. 
"Why aren't you taking care of your wife?"

Same for sex in general...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Accipiter777 said:


> Catherine said
> "I said instead of doing 69, one person goes and then the other, Non-simultaneously. In that way you are both satisfied. For me 69 is distracting. I can't give decent BJ and I don't orgasm.
> 
> I want to enjoy the experience of giving and seeing his pleasure and then receiving. 69 takes away both of those for me."
> ...


You don't need to apologize. My writing is rather bitting and brisk at times so I am sure it comes off as an attack. 

I think it is because men are so frequently accused of being selfish sexually. My sense is the opposite of that, most men want to please the women they feel is special. They may not get credit for it that should come to them. 

When the hint of selfishness is leveled at men, I think the reaction is so strong because it is so unfair. It is easy to read into every discussion about sex as an attack and assumption of male selfishness.

I like to look at complex problems and try to solve them so that is why I try to explore this topic. 

When there is a pervasive problem, there is an underlying reason that is wide in scope. 

The problem has been laid out by the OP's very legitimate question. I'll expand it why do many women dislike giving blow jobs, swallowing, cum on their faces and penises shoved into their mouths? 

Most men like one or all of these. Who is right, men or women? Do women have a legitimate reason for not liking these acts? We know why men like them because of the intense pleasure. 

In addition, it is probably the only sex act where they can just relax and enjoy. They don't have to worry about their partner's pleasure they way they do with other sex acts. 

Looked at in that light, it is easy to give to a man that you love and feel loved by in returned. 

It does show love and that a woman know's that her man has to work hard to adjust his natural approach to sex to accommodate female sexuality. 

I will say that most women view BJ's as something for the man pleasure not her own. It is erotic but not usually associated with sexual pleasure. 

In fact for many woman, there are negative associations with BJ. The taste of cum, the effect on the jaws, the repetitive nature of the act, technical difficulty to get it right. 

Many have had bad experiences with BJ to men when they are young and naive. These are not insurmountable problems. That is if they are acknowledged. 

I don't usually see that they are. That is problem #1. If one discusses the negatives for the giver, it is automatically seen as accusing men of being selfish. Then the discussion stops, but the problem continues. 

May I ask you to answer some of the questions that I posted in my post relative to the difference between how a man receives oral sex and how a woman receives it? 

I asked some questions just to explore the thoughts of men and women. But this is so highly charged that no one will touch it.

I am trying to look at the scope of the problem and start an honest and forthright discussion. If it is choked off by anger, why bother to ask for solutions.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> <snip for space>
> I am trying to look at the scope of the problem and start an honest and forthright discussion. If it is choked off by anger, why bother to ask for solutions.


Catherine, almost anything you said can be applied to oral sex performed by a partner of EITHER sex on their partner.

I suggest that the fact that BOTH men and women are unwilling to give their partners oral sex requires the forthright discussion. My suspicion is that many of the issues are common to both sexes. Divvying it up between men and women will only serve to entrench positions.

And one thing I know with absolute certainty is that you are right that anger will help NOBODY.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I am unsure whether the issues are strictly the same for men and women (other than the issues being compounded selfishness and misunderstandings).

I think it really depends on the individuals.

From what I have seen from men - the act of receiving a BJ is the ultimate act in seeing that your wife truly desires you above all others. It's an act where the man gives up his control, does not have to be in charge, and strongly relates to his wife showing him that she desires and admires everything about him. A lot of a man's 'manhood' is defined by his manhood, you know? 

I don't know that women see receiving oral sex in the same way - some maybe do. But a lot of women also see receiving oral sex as one of the few ways that they can actually achieve an orgasm - something that a BJ is typically not for a man.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> I am unsure whether the issues are strictly the same for men and women (other than the issues being compounded selfishness and misunderstandings).
> 
> I think it really depends on the individuals.
> 
> ...


E That's what I don't get. I still can't get the concept of equating a BJ with what I bolded in your post above. I asked my husband about this tonight and told him about this discussion. 

He does not see getting BJ's as having anything to do with how loved he feels. The quality of sex is important to him and my having sex with him frequently is how he feels close to me. 

He likes BJ's because the feeling cannot be duplicated and it feels good. 

If it is such an intimate act, why is the most common response to a man not getting one is that he can get one by a random woman? 

That says to me that the desire for BJ from a woman is purely for his pleasure and has nothing to do with any special feelings from his wife. 

If that is the case then who can blame a woman for lack of motivation. She is performing a service and if she gets anything wrong - poor technique, no swallowing .... her mouth can easily be replaced. 

That is part of the atmosphere created around this act. I am not convinced that it has anything to do with love.

I say that honesty and with trepidation. I know the vitriol that will be unleashed. 

I say what I feel honestly because if I feel this way, other woman do too. But they dare not say it. If you read the response to my previous post you can see why. Woman like to please men. 

I do too but, I know that there are men who are strong enough to hear the truth and to figure out a solution. My husband is such a man so there has to be more than one.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

So why do I have no problem giving to my husband? 

Because I want to see him relax and enjoy the pleasure. He never told me that BJ's had anything to do with proving my love or that if I loved all of him I would give him BJ's or that he would get it someplace else if I did not.

Attachment is an exchange of satisfactions. Are BJ's seen as the single most valuable way a woman demonstrates her love? For the men who feel this way, is any value placed on anything else she brings to a relationship? 

If the value of what I give to our relationship was counted up in BJ and everything else has little or no value then I would have a problem. I would feel that nothing I did was appreciated except the pleasure that I give in BJ. I don't feel that way about myself. 

My point is that elevating this act to the level of the most important thing a woman is required to do to show her love, makes it too easy to shoot down. 

A low key appreciation of the pleasure of sex and BJ seems a better course to take. 

Just a stream of consciousness. OK, send in the dogs issed:issed:issed:issed:


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> That says to me that the desire for BJ from a woman is purely for his pleasure and has nothing to do with any special feelings from his wife.


Some guys say that... And will do it...
Others lack communication ability to express what they feel... All together are based on maturity...

And no it's not the you would do it if you love me thing, as heard in high schoolers...
But it sums up to a level of truth...
I can get it from somewhere else, but I won't... I want it from my wife, I want her to feel satisfaction from doing this for me, same as anything else I don't want to do, but because I love and respect her, I will... 

And no... If I said I want it only because it feels good, she would not do it... Because that sounds more like an unemotional selfish request...

I stated its the passion one shares, we share a deep passion... Sex is passion... The desire can indeed be defined by the love people share...

Whatever reasons people decide to do it, is fine long as it works for both...
But nobody's feelings are ever wrong...

So it's not you'll do it if you love me, but you'll consider discussing it if you do.... But other than that, I stand by if you can't consider giving an inch, I'd never go a mile... Is that selfish? Maybe, but what good are two people if a relationship is one sided?
Especially in regards to sex...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sure the pleasure is there, but it's not from a warm wet mouth. It's from an act of submission that goes far beyond regular sex. It's the submission that creates the pleasure. Many guys will deny this, since it's likely to lead to fewer bj's but there you have it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sure the pleasure is there, but it's not from a warm wet mouth. It's from an act of submission that goes far beyond regular sex. It's the submission that creates the pleasure. Many guys will deny this, since it's likely to lead to fewer bj's but there you have it.


I think you are right. I think submission is part of the male female dynamic. Woman that you would not think as submissive because they are ball busters in their careers may be very submissive with their mate. I've seen it many times. 

I am submissive in my relationship but not in my public working life. Maybe that's part of the allure of BJ for me. It makes me feel feminine for some reason. Crazy, I know.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's the fact that he'll be so vulnerable to really enjoy a good bj that turns me on.

He's usually in so much control. But in the bedroom, I love his vulnerability. It's a nice window into his soul <3


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> First of all I LOVE the dogs. :rofl:
> 
> Second, this is SPOT ON. BJ's are so many things rolled up in one for a woman...love, respect, submissiveness (in a good way ), trust, a desire to give our man intense pleasure, enjoyment, ect.
> 
> ...


Amen Sister. uppy:


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Geez, after reading this, all I can say is: STBXH, if you're reading this, you were one lucky bazzturd.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sure the pleasure is there, but it's not from a warm wet mouth. It's from an act of submission that goes far beyond regular sex. It's the submission that creates the pleasure. Many guys will deny this, since it's likely to lead to fewer bj's but there you have it.


I've been saying this for years. Nice to finally hear it being admitted from a guy. 





LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> First of all I LOVE the dogs. :rofl:
> 
> Second, this is SPOT ON. BJ's are so many things rolled up in one for a woman...love, respect, submissiveness (in a good way ), trust, a desire to give our man intense pleasure, enjoyment, ect.
> 
> ...



HOw is being submissive ever good? I'm just trying to understand your perspective. For me I would never be submissive, it just goes against my character.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> E That's what I don't get. I still can't get the concept of equating a BJ with what I bolded in your post above. I asked my husband about this tonight and told him about this discussion.
> 
> He does not see getting BJ's as having anything to do with how loved he feels. The quality of sex is important to him and my having sex with him frequently is how he feels close to me.
> 
> ...


Hi Catherine ~

I think there's simply a full spectrum - from those who feel that BJs are the most intimate, affirming act with their spouse (the emotional) to those that see it as simply a very pleasurable act (the physical) and everything in between.

I think how a person views it may depend on how much they see an emotional connection with sexual intimacy. Not everyone, men and women both, are constructed that way. For some it's purely physical, for others it's purely mystical. Understanding how your spouse views it - very important. 

Best wishes.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sure the pleasure is there, but it's not from a warm wet mouth. It's from an act of submission that goes far beyond regular sex. It's the submission that creates the pleasure. Many guys will deny this, since it's likely to lead to fewer bj's but there you have it.


Some would have a different viewpoint and say that it is the man who is in submission during a BJ with the woman in control. Some women find BJs empowering rather than submissive. The man is in a state of vulnerabillity - the most intimate part of himself is in a place where it could potentially be harmed and he does not control the pace so much - it takes submission on his part to not be in control and to trust his partner.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> E T
> He does not see getting BJ's as having anything to do with how loved he feels. The quality of sex is important to him and my having sex with him frequently is how he feels close to me.
> 
> He likes BJ's because the feeling cannot be duplicated and it feels good.
> ...


The problem isn't saying it. The problem is imagining that your personal feelings and experience is a hidden truth and universally applicable.

There are women who report feeling otherwise. Are they lying or self-deluded whereas you have a clear view of the truth?

The argument that a blowjob is about selfish sensation can be applicable to any other sexual act. Every and any sexual act is capable of being undertaken in a completely selfish manner. This does not make it a necessary aspect of sex.


I find this statement simply sad, and fortunately not what I have experienced when giving or receiving oral sex



> That is part of the atmosphere created around this act. I am not convinced that it has anything to do with love.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I think that some women feel obligated to be submissive because they believe that that is how their man feels loved, to be submissive when giving him a blowjob. Hence the reference "Submissive (in a good way)" This would not come from a place of love and respect on his part. Truly sad. 



Enchantment said:


> Some would have a different viewpoint and say that it is the man who is in submission during a BJ with the woman in control. Some women find BJs empowering rather than submissive. The man is in a state of vulnerabillity - the most intimate part of himself is in a place where it could potentially be harmed and he does not control the pace so much - it takes submission on his part to not be in control and to trust his partner.


I think that either can be true. The woman can be made to be submissive while giving a blowjob or the man can be somewhat submissive while receiving a blowjob. It is all determined on how that act is carried out.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think that the man is being open, trusting and vulnerable, which is not really the same as submissive. If the woman is kneeling in front of him, trust me, he feels like she's being submissive (whether she actually is in her heart or not). And it is a good thing. It's a gift. Probably something that she only does with her man. When a woman is dominant in every aspect of her life, but then is submissive to her husband.....and only submissive to him in this or a few certain acts.... how can that be bad?

I read someone else posting here about being treated like a queen and in return treating her husband like a king. That's what I'm talking about. There are definitely some women who feel like they can't give an inch. They have to always be in charge and if they give up even an ounce of control they're somehow being taken advantage of. I imagine such women might not be able to understand how submitting in any circumstance could actually bring joy or comfort to the woman submitting.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> A man can't let a woman take him in her mouth without a whole lot of trust, and that in itself is submissiveness. And a woman is being submissive when she takes him in her mouth. So I think it's both at the same time.


You really think so. There does not seem to be a pervasive fear of injury at the hands (or teeth) of woman giving BJ.

I get no sense that men think about trust before entrusting the family jewels to a woman. Willingness seems to be a big concern. 

It's just like men and women who have unprotected sex with people they don't know. The germs don't have teeth but they will bite.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> Hi Catherine ~
> 
> I think there's simply a full spectrum - from those who feel that BJs are the most intimate, affirming act with their spouse (the emotional) to those that see it as simply a very pleasurable act (the physical) and everything in between.
> 
> ...


I think those feelings can be influenced by how people let today's society influence them. For me at least it seems too many people today just view blow jobs, going down on a woman, hand jobs, fingering a woman as "just fooling around" "not real sex". 

I personally think this diminishes the act, and is not a good idea. Might lead to future bad feelings about it for the woman later when she marries too. Who knows :scratchhead:


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Love Song said:


> HOw is being submissive ever good? I'm just trying to understand your perspective. For me I would never be submissive, it just goes against my character.


The act of submission can be an act of trust, a way to give away control. From what I've read, submission in general can be incredibly freeing for people who are typically control freaks in their daily lives or have to make a lot of decisions in their line of work. I've also read that the people who most often BDSM parlors are high level executives in larger companies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

wayne81 said:


> I would occaisionally bring it up or joke about it, and I did find my penis in her mouth on occaision over the years.


As in "Oh, wow, look at that! How did THAT get in there?"



marriedguy said:


> ...usually I only get blowjobs after I've been initiating by joking about it, or by literaly pointing my penis her direction in bed so she can feel it.


As in "I'm sending penis vibes your way, can't you tell..."



LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Then I glance down.
> 
> There, at the foot of the bed, are ten dancing p*nises. They've got white gloves, black fishnet stockings, black and white-capped dancing sticks, and perfect little black lace-up heels.
> 
> ...


OK, LadyFrog, that is a mental image that I will not be able to get out of my mind. :rofl:


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

To add to the debate, I have never felt that STBXH was being submissive when he got a BJ. Unless we were already in bed or already having sex, his usual way of 'asking' for a BJ was to come over to wherever I was sitting (usually when I was at the computer, geez -- maybe that was a turn-on for him?! just realized that...) with a hard-on, and it would usually be right at my face level. He'd have this kind of sheepish smile on his face. Him standing, me sitting - that did not feel like submission on his part. I never liked that. I truly felt like it was servicing him, not that he liked the way I did it or that it was special because it was me. I did not feel the same way when we had already 'warmed up.' 
I think there can also be a feeling that you aren't really doing it 'right' if he doesn't come. That puts a lot of pressure on a woman. There were many times I started out enjoying it, but due to no fault of his (usually due to a med he was on), he just couldn't finish. He was already feeling bad about that, so I didn't feel like I could say, "Gee, honey, I know we've listened to an entire CD while I've been doing this, and you've been saying you're almost there for 20 min. now, but my knees, and jaw, and tongue are just plain exhausted and sore." I'd feel like it was adding insult to injury. Again, he wasn't being submissive.

I think a lot of the problem was when either of us felt an 'obligation' to do something, or to keep doing it after discomfort set in. For me the truly best times seemed to be when we were relaxed and there were no expectations from either side. I'd always have a harder time climaxing when I could tell he wasn't into going down on me. I'd be worried that there was a bad taste, or my legs were too stubbly, or I was taking too long --- and then I really did take too long, if I came at all. Going back to the med issue, I know his stress about not coming only made it worse for him, too.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Hi Catherine ~
> 
> I think there's simply a full spectrum - from those who feel that BJs are the most intimate, affirming act with their spouse (the emotional) to those that see it as simply a very pleasurable act (the physical) and everything in between.
> 
> ...


I think you are right. Can't make a blanket statement that BJ have no emotional component because of what one man says. To some men they do.

Even if is the act itself is not seen as having an emotional component, it still part of the repertoire of a sexual relationship that should be fun and sensuous as well as love-affirming. 

The whole sexual experience is love affirming but not just every act or every time. You don't need to have sex on the hood of the car on a side steet to feel loved but it is fun for some. 

It is also part of shared adventures and learning as a couple. When my husband and I take up a new activity and we are learning we spend time together helping each other and that brings us closer. 

Maybe that's the problem - if a person has a religious conservative background, perhaps they feel that every sexual encounter has to have some kind of gravity. 

Would wild, fun, sensuous, enthusiastic, adventurous sex be compatible with conservative religious beliefs?


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## wayne81 (Mar 12, 2012)

I posted earlier in this thread but after recently posting in another thread covering a different topic, I had a bit of a realization. Please see the last part of that post here:



wayne81 said:


> Ladies, do you know how you love for us fellas to rub your shoulders, play with your hair, rub your back, rub your feet, listen to you talk about your day, comfort you, hug you, etc.? All of that really nice stuff you enjoy is the same thing as oral sex for us. All of the comfort and support you feel when we do those things for you are what we feel when you do that one thing for us. _That's_ why we enjoy it. It connects us to you in a way that almost nothing else does. I have felt no greater sense of pride in being married to my wife then when she went down on me all the way to completion. I say "went" because it's only happened a single time in our 12 years together, and that has been in the last 6 months since running the MAP. I'm looking forward to the future...


Ladies, it's not the same thing that makes you feel good, but it makes us feel the same kind of good.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

it is more work when you have a bigger penis 

But seriously.. I guess my feeling about this, and sorry if this sounds awful, but... cry me a river.

Intercourse is work.. going down on our wives is work.. raising our kids, bringing home a paycheck, staying in shape- all these things are physically demanding but that's never a reason not to do them.



> Maybe that's the problem - if a person has a religious conservative background, perhaps they feel that every sexual encounter has to have some kind of gravity.


that's *definitely* not the case for me.



> Would wild, fun, sensuous, enthusiastic, adventurous sex be compatible with conservative religious beliefs?


I can't speak for others, but basically, yes. Very much so.

And Catherine:

The 'emotional' component of bjs, at least for me, is gratitude, Being grateful that my wife is willing to them. Either grateful that a wonderful woman is attracted to me and wants to please me, or grateful that she loves me enough to do it even when she isn't turned on. Perhaps there is a touch of dom/sub in there as well. I feel dominant by getting her to pleasure me but submissive because I am completely at the mercy of whether or not she decides to do it.

A few nights ago my wife took care of me basically to 'shut me up.' it wasn't the greatest and I know she feel like it, but the next day I thanked her anyway, and I told her that I know lots of wives won't do it and that I'm grateful she is still willing.

I'd be willing to venture that most men who care enough about their marriages to post here are not just trying to use their wife as a warm place to put it. We have complicated emotions, just like women!


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Having a successful finish to a BJ that doesn't take forever (and therefore considered hard work) is the direct result of the skill of the woman doing it. Those who do it badly cause the whole thing to last a lot longer because the guy isn't getting the right kind of stimulation. And it is a skill. Hookers and porn stars have it down to a science because they like to get the job over with as soon as possible.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh, no, no, no, no. See above post about medications the guy may be taking. That's just one situation where a Herculean effort, technique, response to direction, etc., makes no difference in how long it takes.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> Oh, no, no, no, no. See above post about medications the guy may be taking. That's just one situation where a Herculean effort, technique, response to direction, etc., makes no difference in how long it takes.


true, i think there is a lot more to it than 'skill'
there can be many factors as to whether a guy can finish that way.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Well let me put it this way. A skilled BJ giver can make even guys who take longer to cum, cum faster than a woman with little or no skills.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I broke my neck 4 years ago and I still manage oral. I'd like to do it more often, but the opportunity just isn't there. I do like a freshly showered ehemmm... My husband has been so busy these past 2 months, which lacks my opportunity to preform.

However, it took me a very long time in our marriage to feel this way. All these years my husband was being so deserving in his unselfish ways. Not once did he ask or pursue this endeavor. It wasn't until I realized how much effort my husband puts fourth without a single complaint.

It's not difficult, but being emotionally and physically connected to one another helps.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I broke my neck 4 years ago and I still manage oral. I'd like to do it more often, but the opportunity just isn't there. I do like a freshly showered ehemmm... My husband has been so busy these past 2 months, which lacks my opportunity to preform.
> 
> However, it took me a very long time in our marriage to feel this way. All these years my husband was being so deserving in his unselfish ways. Not once did he ask or pursue this endeavor. It wasn't until I realized how much effort my husband puts fourth without a single complaint.
> 
> It's not difficult, but being emotionally and physically connected to one another helps.




I just gotta say, after reading some posts of yours over the last couple days, that your hubby is a very lucky man! Don't ever get down on yourself because of your injury, or things you might not be able to do, or do was well anymore. You are an excellent person all the way around!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

humanbecoming said:


> I just gotta say, after reading some posts of yours over the last couple days, that your hubby is a very lucky man! Don't ever get down on yourself because of your injury, or things you might not be able to do, or do was well anymore. You are an excellent person all the way around!


Wow, thanks, but I'm the lucky one. He is my biggest support and not once has he ever had any expectations of me. I absolutely adore him and I'm very lucky that he feels the same about me. We were truly meant to be together as a couple. It's not easy going from running 36 miles a week to sitting on the couch resting with a limited lifestyle in constant severe pain every second I'm awake. At least I still am able to ride a stationary bike a few minutes a day. I couldn't do this without my husband. I'm still quite young since I injured myself 4 years ago at the age of 34.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> To add to the debate, I have never felt that STBXH was being submissive when he got a BJ. Unless we were already in bed or already having sex, his usual way of 'asking' for a BJ was to come over to wherever I was sitting (usually when I was at the computer, geez -- maybe that was a turn-on for him?! just realized that...) with a hard-on, and it would usually be right at my face level. He'd have this kind of sheepish smile on his face. Him standing, me sitting - that did not feel like submission on his part. I never liked that. I truly felt like it was servicing him, not that he liked the way I did it or that it was special because it was me. I did not feel the same way when we had already 'warmed up.'
> I think there can also be a feeling that you aren't really doing it 'right' if he doesn't come. That puts a lot of pressure on a woman. There were many times I started out enjoying it, but due to no fault of his (usually due to a med he was on), he just couldn't finish. He was already feeling bad about that, so I didn't feel like I could say, "Gee, honey, I know we've listened to an entire CD while I've been doing this, and you've been saying you're almost there for 20 min. now, but my knees, and jaw, and tongue are just plain exhausted and sore." I'd feel like it was adding insult to injury. Again, he wasn't being submissive.
> 
> I think a lot of the problem was when either of us felt an 'obligation' to do something, or to keep doing it after discomfort set in. For me the truly best times seemed to be when we were relaxed and there were no expectations from either side. I'd always have a harder time climaxing when I could tell he wasn't into going down on me. I'd be worried that there was a bad taste, or my legs were too stubbly, or I was taking too long --- and then I really did take too long, if I came at all. Going back to the med issue, I know his stress about not coming only made it worse for him, too.


a true romantic, wasnt he


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> a true romantic, wasnt he


Well, he actually could be quite giving and romantic and a great lover -- that's why I guess I stuck around as long as I did. I was waiting for all of that to become the norm.


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

As a guy I NEVER looked at oral as me being submissive..thats a lot of psycho babble hooey for women to think they are in control cuz his member is vulnerable in her mouth.

Maybe some guys look at it lke that, but my bet is the majority look at it as the woman being submissive and/or just a simple mutual taking turns getting each other off.

Also...I wont even remain in a relationship unless oral is a MAJOR factor..not just for me but for her as well. I LOVE giving oral and to be denied that along with getting it (and that means to completion on occasions as well...not just to get me wet and hard for penetration) No oral = no relationship lasting very long


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mr B said:


> Having a successful finish to a BJ that doesn't take forever (and therefore considered hard work) is the direct result of the skill of the woman doing it. Those who do it badly cause the whole thing to last a lot longer because the guy isn't getting the right kind of stimulation. And it is a skill. Hookers and porn stars have it down to a science because they like to get the job over with as soon as possible.


Your wrong. I have only been with my husband (bj I mean) but I know that all men are different. Even one man is different. My husband takes longer if he is stressed or it is at night or if he has had an orgasm within the last 24 hrs. He can also prolong it by holding off. 

As far as work goes, have you ever given a bj? As far as skill. Porn is not real, you don't know how long it takes. Do you know how many different men the average prostitute has serviced or how many bj they give in a day? How does that compare with the experience of the average woman? 

The work some women feel is probably the lack of appreciation, the outsized expectations, and the indignaty of having a man who associates the act with porn and prostitutes he has had. I am certain I would not give bj if my husband rated my proformece using an unrealistic yardstick. . I am sure that a bj has nothing to do with the specialness of it from a woman that he loves for such a man
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Ghost - it is better you don't get married. Taste change over the years for many couples in LTR. If I were you I would keep it imformal and let your partner know that the basis of the relationship is oral sex. When the stop you don't have the legal and financial losses. 

You can leave and find the next bj. You can have a lifetime of all the bj you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

ick, i dont think i could get hard with a prostitute, let alone long enough for a bj.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Has anyone said this yet? "if it wasn't work it wouldn't be a job." or something. Personally I don't see the big deal, I like giving. Now if he were HUGE, I might feel differently. But other than freakishly large porn star size I don't see why women don't like it. I can see if someone was assaulted, then yes that would be a reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

I was with a girl once and after going down on her (which she love) I said your turn and she actually said, ew...no way thats where a guy pees! I looked at her and said what the hell do you think I just did? She said its different and I said okay...and started getting dress...she was still on the bed nude and said what are you doing? I said Im taking you home its not gonna work with us dating cuz with me sex is a two way street and oral is part of my sexual makeup. She asked if I was mad cuz she didnt say anything before I went down on her and I said, no, cuz I dont feel like you used me and I LOVE going down...but unless I get oral as well theres no point in going further. She said its her hangup and I said, cool and drove her home.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

GhostRydr said:


> I was with a girl once and after going down on her (which she love) I said your turn and she actually said, ew...no way thats where a guy pees! I looked at her and said what the hell do you think I just did? She said its different and I said okay...and started getting dress...she was still on the bed nude and said what are you doing? I said Im taking you home its not gonna work with us dating cuz with me sex is a two way street and oral is part of my sexual makeup. She asked if I was mad cuz she didnt say anything before I went down on her and I said, no, cuz I dont feel like you used me and I LOVE going down...but unless I get oral as well theres no point in going further. She said its her hangup and I said, cool and drove her home.


I kinda see your point, but for me, not getting a bj in and of itself is not a deal breaker if she won't do it (there could be other factors other than the gross out factor), but in my experience the women who think it is "gross" and come up with the nonsense about "that's where you pee from" are not women I want to sleep with. Sex is not gross, and anyone who thinks it is will lead you down a path of a very boring, very spartain sex life that eventually morphs into no sex life. I prefer women who LOVE sex, and don't care about getting a little "dirty" in the bedroom. 

Best sex of my life is with my W, who loves to give blowjobs. Worst of my life was with my ex. One blowjob in 4 years. I should have known better....but know I do. I've seen enough in my adult sexual relationships to establish a pattern. It may not be always accurate, but it is a pretty damned strong indicator. No blow jobs, and no good excuse (i.e. physical limitations or past abuse), and I'm down the road. And it's not because I love blowjobs. It's because I love sex!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

They aren't that much work. I like giving them actually.


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