# H still friends with OW



## momof3g (Dec 6, 2011)

My H of 16 years admitted to having a 2 week EA with a co-worker (lives several states over) after meeting her at a training session.

He told me about her. At first, he was confused. Didn't know if he wanted to stay or go. One month has gone by now and we have had numerous arguments and positive discussions. This has brought up issues in our marriage that we are both committed to working on. It has lit a fire under us.

Here is my problem. He is still friends with her. He said they both had a discussion about their relationship and that nothing was ever going to come of it, but that they both wanted to remain friends. They "have a lot in common." He said he got "stupidly caught up in the fantasy" but has since pulled back and now they only talk about "friend" things - nothing personal or relationship involved. They do not talk as frequently, but "she listens". (Apparently, I don't? Even though I thought I was?)

I take responsibility for the fact that I had gotten lazy in the relationship. (Of course, he did too.) I understand that she boosted his ego, which he needed, I guess.

*What I don't like is him still being friends with her after a line was crossed. I don't think you can "uncross" that line. *I'm having a very difficult time with that. He does not want to "give up the only friend he has" and "doesn't think of her as a female". She's "not attractive at all". He understands how hurt I am and is sorry. He had talked to her briefly last night, which I found out about, and I was a complete mess. He was very understanding and sorry - yet insists "they're just friends".

He came back from training a month ago a completely changed person. I really feel like he is suffering from a mid-life crisis. He has all the tell-tale signs, but he just dimisses that as "stupid". 

I don't know what I'm asking here. Just wanted someone to listen I guess. Anyone have any comments?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

to copy what I said in the original thread



Almostrecovered said:


> you can't work on R with OW still in the picture
> 
> end of story
> 
> ...





Almostrecovered said:


> also- if OW is married then tell her husband ASAP (do not tell your husband you are doing this)


----------



## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

momof3g - what are YOUR boundaries? where is YOUR self-respect. You need to tell him what IS and ISN'T acceptable to remain married to him. 

Once defined, then act on it, if he doesn't go NC. What will YOUR actions be?

Trying to help! Good luck!


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I cant help but sincker that mom and dad of 3 are in the same thread


back to the thread!


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Completely and utterly unacceptable behaviour from your husband. If you allow this to continue, you will regret it for the rest of your life....as in the NEXT time, he will be able to say "Well, you let me keep talking to the LAST woman friend I had...". No way. Don't do it. You're right to be upset, he is trying to cake-eat.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

momof3 - I had a two month EA with an old high school girlfriend I reconnected with after 22 years of nothing. My fourth biggest regret of the whole thing is that it cost me the opportunity to have her as a friend. You are absolutely right - once that line has been crossed - it's crossed forever and cannot be undone. 

The OW has to go - period. The fact that he can't accept this and excommunicate her from his life simply because it's important to you is evidence enough of the emotional connection he still has with her. He's putting her and his feelings about her over the feelings of his wife and his marriage - how is that right??

Trust you instincts.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If I was still friends with my AP, I'd still be having my EA with her.

I'd have my cake and eat it too! And you would have to watch.

How's the view?


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> If I was still friends with my AP, I'd still be having my EA with her.
> 
> I'd have my cake and eat it too! And you would have to watch.
> 
> How's the view?


Well said.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry to be so direct. But some things for us reformed cheaters are obvious opportunities for those still playing the game.


----------



## momof3g (Dec 6, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. It is still new and I am giving him some (not much) time. I'm not a doormat. He has been backing off and even admitted that he didn't see it lasting much longer. I believe he is still in the "fog". 

There are some positives. At no point was he ever "in love" with her. 90% of the issues we have, have nothing to do with her and were there before she entered the picture. This has made us both realize that our relationship had weakened which created the opportunity. He does feel bad and he is embarrassed. 

I truly believe that he will stop contacting her at some point on his own. And, well, if he doesn't, I'm a strong person and I know what I have to do. He knows this too.

Neither one of us wants a divorce and are both committed to building a stronger relationship. However, I will continue to express my feelings until I feel like I've given him enough time to wake up from the "fog". He is making steps in the right direction with her. If he backslides, that will be another story.


----------



## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Don't think for one minute that it's YOUR fault that he did this. All marriages have problems. Spouses are to cleave unto each other, not to outsiders. Sure, unmet needs can lead to behavior such as this, but it was his responsibility to learn to deal with you on those needs.


----------



## momof3g (Dec 6, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> Don't think for one minute that it's YOUR fault that he did this. All marriages have problems. Spouses are to cleave unto each other, not to outsiders. Sure, unmet needs can lead to behavior such as this, but it was his responsibility to learn to deal with you on those needs.


Oh, I don't. However, there were things I did. Not putting a priority on our relationship was one. While he was gone to training, he would try to call and talk to me and I "wasn't interested" and in fact, told him he didn't need to call me at all. Not very nice. I was taking him for granted and vice versa. 

No, that doesn't excuse him starting up a conversation with a co-worker and it leading to more personal information. But, I definitely had a part in it. He was hurt.

We all have to take responsibility for our part in the relationship.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

momof3g said:


> We all have to take responsibility for our part in the relationship.



yes but here's the problem

he's taking no responsibility for his affair whatsoever


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

To be honest, I only skimmed your post because I did not have to read past the Thread title.

You have no marriage as long as he's in touch with her. 

You have a third party in your marriage as long as she is in the picture. It is grossly disrespectful of him to keep in touch with her. He does not respect you or your marraige if he's doing that.

You need some hard boundaries in place...with consequences. Tell him that as long as she's in the picture, you're not. You need to back this up with actions.

He's walking all over you because you are letting him.

It's disgusting.

If she is married/partnered, expose the affair to her husband/partner without ANY warning to the OW or your husband beforehand.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

momof3g said:


> Neither one of us wants a divorce and are both committed to building a stronger relationship. However, I will continue to express my feelings until I feel like I've given him enough time to wake up from the "fog". He is making steps in the right direction with her. If he backslides, that will be another story.


You guys are wasting your time if she is still in the picture...

Really...there is no point in trying to reconcile while they are still having an affair...and lets not kid around here...if he is still contacting this women, he is still having an affair.

Your perceived hard work is all for not. While you are hard at work trying to be the best wife you can be he is busy cake eating.


----------



## momof3g (Dec 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> yes but here's the problem
> 
> he's taking no responsibility for his affair whatsoever


You're right. He took responsibility for the inappropriate conversations. Said he was sorry and that he definitely stepped over the line. Was being really stupid. Put the stop to anything of that nature. *Here's the problem.* He still talks to her at work about work things (mostly) and running (their thing in common). I would rather he not talk to her at all...ever...again.

And, another problem. There is another training session coming up where he is likely to see her in person. He said he would make sure that he is not alone with her and that he would limit contact. He would be with his other male co-workers instead. While I appreciate that (sort of), if a person is just "your friend" do you really need to "protect" yourself from them? I asked him that and he didn't have a answer.

It helps to be able to write this stuff down, so I appreciate the replies.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Your relationship can't truly heal until she's out of the picture. Period. He needs to cut her out of his (and your) life. Not as a punishment, but as a consequence of crossing a line that he should have had the good sense to stay behind.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ask him point blank: How would you feel if I had an affair and was still talking to the OM every day because he "listens" to me? 

ACTIONS, baby. Words are CHEAP.


----------



## obviouslydesperate (Dec 8, 2011)

NO, NO, NO!!! I fell for the, " I want to stay friends with her. It is hard to let go. I need someone to talk to". Guess what? I found out three weeks later that they were still sleeping together. You are right to take responsibility for what you have to work on in order to fix your relationship; but regardless of what you do, it does not give him the right to cheat. Did you cheat when things got bad? No, you remained faithful, he could have too.


----------



## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

In may I found out my H was texting a woman I already had suspicions about. He had deleted all the text and to this day I don't know what they were about (I can imagine!) he seemed really regretful, agreed that it was inappropriate and he would stop. I believed him and allowed him to carry on employing this girl. 

Two weeks ago he confessed that he was sleeping with her and she got pregnant at the end of may! I beat myself up about this... If I had put my foot down when I had evidence of EA ( although it was PA at the time of confrontation) then she wouldn't have gotten pregnant and our lives wouldn't be such hell!

There is no room for three people in a marriage!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

