# H wants to leave - teenagers will be blindsided and devastated



## justme43 (Sep 8, 2011)

Posted in Considering Sep forum yesterday. Hope it is okay to post in one other place. If any men out there know how I might reach my husband before he takes this huge step out of our marriage and family including three teenagers, please let me know.

We have been married 21 years and have three teenagers at home. We never fight or argue. Our kids are happy and friends think we have a wonderful family. We even eat at the table and pray before meals most nights. Recently, however, my husband told me he wants a divorce. I couldn't believe it. He just said he has been keeping his resentment about me putting the kids first to himself all of these years and that he can't do it any longer. I have always been a stay at home mom so it was easy to fall into the kids first routine and he never complained or made suggestions of date nights, etc. He is so angry. He couldn't handle mc. We went three times and the last time he started to finally talk about his feelings but after that he told me he wasn't going back and that he was making plans to move out. I am devastated and can't believe it. He insists there is no one else and hasn't shown any evidence that there is. I am just sick about what this will do to our kids, never mind, myself. I believe this will screw them up and give them trust issues for the rest of their lives. Also, that they will be so upset and angry that they won't want to have anything to do with him. 

He wants us to just tell them a few days before he leaves as if it were both of our ideas. There is no way I can say I am in agreement with this. In fact, I still think there must be something I can do as not doing anything seems so wrong. 

I really appreciate your advice and prayers, if you pray. Thank you.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this. Could you explain a bit further what he says his problems are with the R?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Justme43,
Did he not tell you he was unhappy along the way? 

Was this about putting the kids first or putting him last?

I think date night means something different to you than it means to a good husband. More on that if you are interested.

stme43;429420]Posted in Considering Sep forum yesterday. Hope it is okay to post in one other place. If any men out there know how I might reach my husband before he takes this huge step out of our marriage and family including three teenagers, please let me know.

We have been married 21 years and have three teenagers at home. We never fight or argue. Our kids are happy and friends think we have a wonderful family. We even eat at the table and pray before meals most nights. Recently, however, my husband told me he wants a divorce. I couldn't believe it. He just said he has been keeping his resentment about me putting the kids first to himself all of these years and that he can't do it any longer. I have always been a stay at home mom so it was easy to fall into the kids first routine and he never complained or made suggestions of date nights, etc. He is so angry. He couldn't handle mc. We went three times and the last time he started to finally talk about his feelings but after that he told me he wasn't going back and that he was making plans to move out. I am devastated and can't believe it. He insists there is no one else and hasn't shown any evidence that there is. I am just sick about what this will do to our kids, never mind, myself. I believe this will screw them up and give them trust issues for the rest of their lives. Also, that they will be so upset and angry that they won't want to have anything to do with him. 

He wants us to just tell them a few days before he leaves as if it were both of our ideas. There is no way I can say I am in agreement with this. In fact, I still think there must be something I can do as not doing anything seems so wrong. 

I really appreciate your advice and prayers, if you pray. Thank you.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I can kinda see where he is comming from I am starting to feel the same way in my own marriage.

always being the rock for your family is hard to do giving up everything for the better of the family .you start to feel like a nonperson you can't even remember what its like to enjoy the things you used to enjoy. There seem to always be some sort of emeregency that needs you attention or that takes your money you might have had plans for something you really wanted. kinda ground hog day everyday just blends into the next day with the nexts days problems. and to top it off you feel unapreacieated no sex because were so busy and everything is more important. so it slips into this live for the family and kids thing.


you keep thinking theres light at the end of the tunnel only to come to the realization that the end of the tunnel only has more stress more problem it never ends.

My sugestion would be to sit him down and say .

hun I love you with all my heart and am so greatfull for your efforts for our family. I think its time I get a job and we start putting EXRTA effort into our marriage doing things we like to do and letting the teenager fend for themselves a little more it would be good for them to see us reconnect and for them to became more responsible for themselves. 

I've been thinking about you all day would you make love to me like we used to. And I promis to make a huge effort to help get our marriage back on track. But I'm not perfect and will need you to also help get our marriage back where we need to be.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Sounds like your H has at least two things on his plate 1) Mid Life Crisis and 2) Feeling of absolutely no value to his family, or at least his wife. The combination of these things will probably make him depressed. If your MC did not pick up on this then change him/her.

What can you do? YOU HAVE TO MAKE HIM FEEL VALUED. You do this by showing appreciation of the things he does for his family. Now he’s gone as far as saying he’s going to leave you will have started thinking WHAT YOU LOSE by him no longer being there. THEY ARE THE THINGS YOU REALLY APPRECIATE ABOUT HIM. It’s that count your blessings thing, look after them, nurture them, love them, recognise them and SAY THANK YOU for them. Otherwise you will lose them.

So each of you sit down and write out what it is you love and appreciate about your husband/father AND LET HIM KNOW. You can do this with cards or by having a surprise party for him and each of you stand up and speak out about how you love and appreciate him. If you do this expect to see tears in his eyes and treat him gently with hugs and warmth.


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## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

chillymorn - I feel for you. Being a woman, I of course don't know how this feels, but I have seen it first hand for a long time. My mother-in-law (lovely, misguided woman that she is) has been doing this to my father-in-law for 39 years. All of her kids are grown, with families of their own, but when they come to visit, FIL is low man on the totem pole. I really feel for him, but he is not willing to do anything about it. He says that is just the way she is, and he will just have to be strong and suck it up. 

The funny thing is, this has actually helped my husband and I in our marriage. We both saw early on what was going on and determined to be different. 

justme43 - I posted on your other thread about a book you could get. I really hope that you and your husband can work through this. My prayers are with you.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Happywife that is true about parents. I find my wife sometimes pays the price for how my mother treats my father. If I detect a hint of the games my mother plays I respond hard and fast to my wife without even realizing how quickly it happens. My wife is great but I just won't put up with certain behaviors. 

I think the resentment thing is very prevelant with husbands. I would be very wary for another woman. I do like Dr. Laura's proper care and feeding of husbands. It helped my wife to see how priorities can become fuzzy.


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## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

Locard said:


> I think the resentment thing is very prevelant with husbands. I would be very wary for another woman. I do like Dr. Laura's proper care and feeding of husbands. It helped my wife to see how priorities can become fuzzy.


I'll have to get that book. I'm always on the look out for great marriage books, especially ones that teach a wife how to treat her husband. My husband and I teach a small marriage group and a few of the women really love throwing their husbands under the bus. I like to be prepared with "homework".


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I think you will like it! I bought it for my wife one day when we are at the mall with her mom and I thought MIL was going to faint! Don't worry, MIL is great, it was funny.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

@justme43, Fyi - I responded to your post in the other section:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...1927-help-he-says-hes-leaving.html#post429785


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## justme43 (Sep 8, 2011)

As I wrote in my previous message - Can't thank you enough for your thoughts and for pasting that info from Larry Bilotta. I Googled the text and found 26 pages that were written by him that further elaborate on what you posted (see link). I'm only on page 8 and wish I didn't have to leave right now to pick up my son from school but I will definitely be reading the rest and applying as much as possible asap. Gotta run. More later. I really appreciate everyone's comments!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

JM,
The link to Larry B is good. Smart guy. 

Let's back up for a second though. To have a chance at navigating the maze (and it is a maze) and repairing your marriage, you need to start at the beginning. 

And the starting point is a question that loosely frames like this: "Why did you deprioritize your H"? 

The actual answer matters because to repair you must start with understanding. For example a very common marital evolution goes like this:

W gets very comfortable rejecting her H sexually. He buys into the concept of "til death do us part" so he feels completely "trapped". He gradually emotionally detaches BUT he continues to be a good financial provider. She replaces their "missing" emotional connection by forming closer connections to the kids, family and friends and is content if not totally happy. He tries to replace the sexual connection with his hand and gets slowly more angry. 

Periodically he gets angry and brings up the broken sex life. These conversations make no sense to her in terms of the big picture because his behavior is generally very good. He does most/all the stuff he is supposed to and clearly loves her. So she keys into his daily behavior and writes off the occassional outburst about sex to him "having a bad day". Maybe she talks to some friends/family but she frames her questions carefully. "Do you guys ever fight about sex"? And she interprets their answers in a way that confirms she is correct and everything is mostly ok. 

This is like asking a married friend "do you guys ever fight"? Without inquiring as to whether the conflicts include physical violence or profanity. 

So lets come back to the present. Do NOT make this about the kids. He is already guilty about the kids. My guess is that he has been for a long time or he would have left quite some time ago. 

As for "date night" be very careful. Date night as a basic concept is a good thing. My W of 20+ years and I go on dates a couple/three times a month. But there is ZERO correlation between date nights and sex. Meaning that date night is like any other night as far as sex is concerned. If I want to, and she isn't tired/stressed from an unusually bad day - we do. If she is tired or stressed I suppress any desire such that she doesn't even perceive it. 

The idea that "date night" = sex almost always means something very bad is happening. And that bad thing is that in the "day to day" your H has been so deprioritized that there is ZERO chance of sex happening. And therefore the ONLY shot he has at having sex is IF the date happens AND nothing ocurrs with the kids to disrupt the schedule AND the date is fun AND he meets whatever other needs you might have that day. Really bad stuff. 

Let me turn it around. My W - who is delightful - is also a very complex individual. She has a lot of needs. I meet most of them to the best of my ability every day. Probably why she says I treat her "like gold" and why she says "I am in love with you" to me. Imagine this. I tell her she has to keep meeting my needs in the day to day - which she currently does - but I am only going to meet HER core needs on date night and even then ONLY IF we have sex BEFORE the date. How does one spell divorcee? It would be a TOTAL non-starter before we even started. And frankly I wouldn't blame her. 

As for your H. Stay away from the guilt button. Take a different approach. Tell him you are going to make up for the past by spending the next 20 years making up for ignoring his needs and showing a lack of respect for him as a man. Tell him no one is going to treat him as well as you will. And then DO IT. That doesn't mean you can/should let him be mean to you. You should not and can not let him do that. Because THAT will harm the marriage. But you may need to listen to some painful stuff. Agree with the things that are true and try to make sure the things that aren't don't SEEM true to him going forward. 









justme43 said:


> As I wrote in my previous message - Can't thank you enough for your thoughts and for pasting that info from Larry Bilotta. I Googled the text and found 26 pages that were written by him that further elaborate on what you posted (see link). I'm only on page 8 and wish I didn't have to leave right now to pick up my son from school but I will definitely be reading the rest and applying as much as possible asap. Gotta run. More later. I really appreciate everyone's comments!


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## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

MEM11363 - Good stuff! I totally agree with you.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

You have actively ruled out another woman?

Checked the credit cards? Phone records? GPS tagged his car? Keylogger on the computer?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Although I REALLY like being wrong in these cases ...

the out of the blue, no prior warning signs, discussions, or indicators of; "I want a divorce." is a huge red flag, that there is in fact someone else in the picture.

If he utterly refuses to try and find some middle ground towards recovering the marriage, it's pretty much a lock.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Although I REALLY like being wrong in these cases ...
> 
> the out of the blue, no prior warning signs, discussions, or indicators of; "I want a divorce." is a huge red flag, that there is in fact someone else in the picture.
> 
> If he utterly refuses to try and find some middle ground towards recovering the marriage, it's pretty much a lock.


I think this would be right in many cases, but there is an aspect of divorces initiated by men that is rarely discussed on this board (or why women initiate divorce more often). I spoke to my counselor about this recently. Many men do not really allow ourselves to accept at face value that we are not happy in the marriage until we finally just reach some sort of breaking point, or midlife crisis. Think about it, men are taught that marriage is settling down. We somewhat expect a loss of individuality. We now have responsibilities when we marry, if we are the type of man who strongly feels that our family depends upon us. It sounds like I was more vocal about my unhappiness than the OP's spouse, but divorce or cheating just never was an option. My therapist said the marriage becomes more like hunkering down to endure, at least until a breaking point comes along.

My wife has asked dozens of times since I asked for a divorce if there was another woman. Others ask all the time. I just think that with men in this situation, it is also possible that there is just a desire to seperate himself from the memories of his altered perception of the marriage. His perception is altered, I would bet, because once he feels like he is 2nd place, he begins to look at everything from that perspective.

I think the advice by the other posters is incredible. I'm working on reconciliation, but I could still never imagine my wife verbalizing a desire to make up for the negativity. But the momentum behind his split took years to build. It will not just come back with one or two open, frank discussions. It will take time, if it comes, and a demonstrated change.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You actually provided an articulate and superb summary of how I felt. And you bring up a valid and interesting point. The OP may believe that this is sudden and out of nowhere on her husbands part, but that may not be the case.
My ex thought that my unhappiness was 'out of left field'. But the reality is that I had let her know many, many, times in many ways over the span of years ... that I was not happy. And I wanted to be ... with her. She just wasn't, or chose not to listen.

And you are right. It did distinctly hit a breaking point. I felt like I was supporting a house of cards, and of course when I stopped supporting it, it collapsed immediately and spectacularly.



Halien said:


> I think this would be right in many cases, but there is an aspect of divorces initiated by men that is rarely discussed on this board (or why women initiate divorce more often). I spoke to my counselor about this recently. Many men do not really allow ourselves to accept at face value that we are not happy in the marriage until we finally just reach some sort of breaking point, or midlife crisis. Think about it, men are taught that marriage is settling down. We somewhat expect a loss of individuality. We now have responsibilities when we marry, if we are the type of man who strongly feels that our family depends upon us. It sounds like I was more vocal about my unhappiness than the OP's spouse, but divorce or cheating just never was an option. My therapist said the marriage becomes more like hunkering down to endure, at least until a breaking point comes along.
> 
> My wife has asked dozens of times since I asked for a divorce if there was another woman. Others ask all the time. I just think that with men in this situation, it is also possible that there is just a desire to seperate himself from the memories of his altered perception of the marriage. His perception is altered, I would bet, because once he feels like he is 2nd place, he begins to look at everything from that perspective.
> 
> I think the advice by the other posters is incredible. I'm working on reconciliation, but I could still never imagine my wife verbalizing a desire to make up for the negativity. But the momentum behind his split took years to build. It will not just come back with one or two open, frank discussions. It will take time, if it comes, and a demonstrated change.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*An unpopular but steadfast view*

This is a gender neutral post. Plenty of women out there have been tricked into a sexless marriage. 

I am not much for lying - that said - given a choice between options 1, 2 and 3 this is a no brainer to me:

Option 1: 
- Decades of celibacy with a partner who has no respect for you, your needs or your happiness
- Daily access to your children
- Tolerating the fact that you are letting your spouse parasitically suck the life out of you one day at a time

Option 2:
- A costly divorce
- Reduced access to your children
- A somewhat normal sex life

Option 3:
- A sex life and love via an affair
- Daily access to your children
- Lying to your spouse who (odds are) has been sexually deceitful to you for most of the marriage

I would never choose option 1. Ever. As for options 2 and 3 - that is for each person to decide. Personally I would probably suck it up and select door number 2, buy a house down the street and then shoot for a healthy second marriage. That said, if you have been painfully blunt with your spouse about feeling undesired and unloved, I don't see you as the "guilty party" in option 3. 







Halien said:


> I think this would be right in many cases, but there is an aspect of divorces initiated by men that is rarely discussed on this board (or why women initiate divorce more often). I spoke to my counselor about this recently. Many men do not really allow ourselves to accept at face value that we are not happy in the marriage until we finally just reach some sort of breaking point, or midlife crisis. Think about it, men are taught that marriage is settling down. We somewhat expect a loss of individuality. We now have responsibilities when we marry, if we are the type of man who strongly feels that our family depends upon us. It sounds like I was more vocal about my unhappiness than the OP's spouse, but divorce or cheating just never was an option. My therapist said the marriage becomes more like hunkering down to endure, at least until a breaking point comes along.
> 
> My wife has asked dozens of times since I asked for a divorce if there was another woman. Others ask all the time. I just think that with men in this situation, it is also possible that there is just a desire to seperate himself from the memories of his altered perception of the marriage. His perception is altered, I would bet, because once he feels like he is 2nd place, he begins to look at everything from that perspective.
> 
> I think the advice by the other posters is incredible. I'm working on reconciliation, but I could still never imagine my wife verbalizing a desire to make up for the negativity. But the momentum behind his split took years to build. It will not just come back with one or two open, frank discussions. It will take time, if it comes, and a demonstrated change.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Locard said:


> I think the resentment thing is very prevelant with husbands. I would be very wary for another woman.


I wouldn't presume another woman at all. The resentment breeds from the apparent contempt some men experience.

But I also agree with MEM below.



MEM11363 said:


> This is a gender neutral post. Plenty of women out there have been tricked into a sexless marriage.
> 
> I am not much for lying - that said - given a choice between options 1, 2 and 3 this is a no brainer to me:
> 
> ...


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Deejo said:


> And you are right. It did distinctly hit a breaking point. I felt like I was supporting a house of cards, and of course when I stopped supporting it, it collapsed immediately and spectacularly.


I hit my breaking point at the end of 2008 when my wife *TOLD ME*...

(1) We were never moving out of the house we were living in because she wanted the grandkids to visit there - note: our kids were 16 and 20 at the time, and 

(2) To reduce the amount of my 401k contributions at work so we could afford a higher car payment. (I'm in my 50s and want to save as much as possible as I approach retirement.)

Up until then, our marriage was only so-so at best. But I had not reached a true breaking point. When I realized this woman couldn't care less about what *I* wanted now or in the future, I knew things had to change.

I believe my marriage is one of those that should never ever have taken place because the two people involved are soooo incompatiable. But I stuck with it as long as I could *for the kids*. 

I'm not a big horoscope or zodiac guy but I do believe the traits and characteristics are pretty accurate for each sign. Recently I did a search to see how me and my mate match up and the following pretty much sums it up:

_The zodiac match of a (spouse sign) woman and a (my sign) man does not have very good chances of success. The dissimilarities are too many and too serious. She needs security, closeness and utmost devotion. He is only able to give her simple love and romance, not necessarily with all those qualities. His recklessness will go completely against her stability. She will want a serious relationship and he will want one that is open and does not make him feel possessed. There is no way to make this relationship work._

Basically, our marriage needs to come to a loooong overdue death.

The point of my post is that maybe the OP's marriage is one of those that just ends due to changed people with changed feelings.


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