# Love, but "Not in love"?? Need HELP! (Long background reading)



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

I am 26 years old and have been married for 8 months to a man that I have been with for almost 5 years. We have no children and just purchased a home 6 months ago. My husband is a wonderful man. He is caring, thoughtful, a great provider (hunter and fisherman), and a very hard worker. We have always gotten along well, and he has done and would do anything to make me happy. We have a nice lifestyle, always have fun on the weekends with friends, go on vacations, out for dinners; he buys me /picks me/grows me flowers all the time; etc. Above all, I know that he is incredibly in love with me. He is 28 and has only been with one woman before me. I know that many women are drawn to my husband because he is such a strong, honest, and attractive man. He has all of the qualities any woman would love to have in a husband. He is even very affectionate. Still wants to hold my hand everywhere we go and kisses and cuddles me every morning. If I was an outsider looking at our relationship,I would think that it was a perfect fairytale marriage. Since the moment we met… and after about 2 weeks of spending every waking moment together, he expressed his love to me and I told him I loved him back although I didn't feel that "in love" or I guess connection/spark I have with others in the past. I felt like our relationship was moving very quickly however I continued to stay with him and not slow things down because I felt very loved/comfortable/safe with him. We have never really connected sexually, but when our relationship began we did have sex often. It was never that "oh my gosh i have to have you" type of sex... more like “it’s exciting because it is new” type. Over time, our sexual relationship has become worse and worse. Well I should say that maybe just for me it seemed worst. My husband has always told me that he is always turned on by me and always wants to make love; however I don’t ever feel the need to make love to him. Really the only times I throw myself at him or really want to have sex is when I am drinking or half asleep and he wakes me up. Shortly after we got engaged, I started to feel like this was wrong, but I didn't know if it was the wedding gitters that everyone refers to, or if I was really and truly unhappy. I just always felt like there was something missing. It’s hard to explain the way I feel sometimes because we always spend time together and enjoy being around each other. We are like best friends. Everybody (family/friends) thinks that we are so happy… in fact my husband is always happy as well… but for me something has always been missing. Always has been and I am now starting to realize that I feel like I have just blown off how I truly feel because our life is so normal and pleasant I guess. I don’t know.

About a month ago I met another man and pursued him. I felt so unbelievably attracted to this man not only physically but emotionally. I feel like since the moment I met this man he has drawn me closer and closer to him in such a different way that I have ever experienced. I feel like it is more of an all-over stimulating type of attraction if that makes any sense. Mind.body.soul. The type of connection I feel like I have always wanted in a man. Long story short, I had an affair with this man. I pursued him and I got him. I have never in my life cheated on someone or felt like such a dishonest person. All the lies and deceits that went into pursuing and getting this person are so incredibly wrong. I know this. I told my husband about the affair and we have been working on it ever since. For a few weeks it was very difficult to cut off the connection with the other man but I finally realized that in order make things right with my husband I could not be contacting this other man. The problem is that now that this is happened, all of these feelings that I have blown off our entire relationship has come to the forefront. It has now gotten to the point where I am completely miserable when I should be there to comfort my husband through this EXTREMELY hurtful traumatic event that I caused. I am starting to think that maybe what happened was inevitable because of the way I have been feeling about our relationship the entire time. I always found myself looking outside of our relationship by thinking (sometimes reaching out) to other men; ex boyfriends, previous crushes, guys I work with, etc. I don’t even know what to think or do now. After the affair we instantly started seeing a MC together and individually and have been seeing her for about 3 weeks now. My husband is still in shambles and I feel like I have emotionally divorced him. I constantly find myself thinking to myself "I love him and care about him, but I do not want to spend the rest of my life with him." I think "I could be so much happier than this" and " I wish that he was not my husband, I made a mistake." It is like I have mentally and physically checked out of the relationship. I have told him how I feel and he is committed to doing everything he can to fix things. He says that he will do whatever it takes and that he doesn't want to lose me. He gets on his knees constantly and begs me whule crying not to leave him and tells me that he will change to become a better husband... but that is not it. He is a wonderful husband and man. I feel so sad all of the time. I don't want to hurt him. We have a life together; a new home, our families have become extremely close, but I just feel sad all of the time. I find myself excited to go to work, keeping myself somewhat busy after work, and not very emotionally there for him when I am at home… although we still will do dinner and cuddle on the couch together every night. When I am with him, I just wish I were someplace else, and when I am not with him, I feel tremendous guilt for not feeling like I want to be with him. I look back on my wedding day and feel sick. We had such a beautiful (& expensive) outdoor wedding that all of our friends and family witnessed. Our honeymoon was also very beautiful and relaxing…. We camped on several islands for about 9 days and stayed in bed and breakfasts half the time. I am so worried and scared that I will never love him as much as he loves me and I feel like all I do is continue to hurt him because I express to him how I am feeling. He is a man worth loving. An incredible man. I feel like I should end my marriage, but I am so scared. Does anyone have any advice for me?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Upon seeing the title ILYBINILWY I of course assumed some OM, after reading halfway through the first paragraph it was confirmed for me (before even seeing the start pf paragraph 2). In fact I can't even finish reading paragraph 2.

The strong strong correlation:

1. ILYBINILWY - check
2. an OM - check

Maybe people should stop saying ILYBINILWY and then problems stemming from having an OM would never even exist.

OP, once it is revealed their is an OM all your words (except for those about owning up to your own choices in life) lose all credibility. on TAM we all understand about rewriting the marital history, we know all about the fog of neurochemicals and how it affects our perception, enables cheaters to shift blame so guiltlessly. We understand about how your affair has completely colored your view of your H, how it has made him hopelessly unnattractive.

Please, the best thing you can do is send him to this site so we can explain to him how others have felt like he is feeling right now, what he can do to let you go or if he wants to fight give him a strategy to give him a chance to make your affair inconvenient and get you out of your fog and how he can man up and do a 180 on you.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Lon said:


> Upon seeing the title ILYBINILWY I of course assumed some OM, after reading halfway through the first paragraph it was confirmed for me (before even seeing the start pf paragraph 2). In fact I can't even finish reading paragraph 2.
> 
> The strong strong correlation:
> 
> ...


I understand the cliche in ILYBINILWY. I have heard it before and don't believe it. I just thought it was a good subject for what is going on. 

I also get the whole re-writing history, but I know for a fact that everything I wrote about before I met the OM was true. I did not just make it up and start re-writing our history due to the affair.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Do him a favour and file for divorce yourself. No one should endure this torture. As you said, there are plenty of lonely women out there dreaming of a man like your husband. There's no point leading him on any further.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Can you separate while continuing the MC? I feel so sorry for your husband. He has to live with the affair and the fact that you don't love him. Maybe separation will give him time to realize that not only did you check out of the marriage you never checked in. He should try some IC for himself as well. He deserves the right to find someone else that will love him as much as he can love them. Talk to the MC about how to separate from him so he can move on.

I agree with the above about him doing the 180. It will help him get ready for life with out you.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Hunger, what you'll find on a board like this is that most of us have heard some many version of your story, it's pathetic. 

It comes down to this: 

Reconciliation is worth it if there is a) a long marriage to preserve, AND b) children. 

Reconciliation is not worth it when it's a short marriage and you are young.

You met a guy with better game than your husband and you've attached some meaning to that. If the roles were reversed, and it was your husband on this board posting how he met someone who got him hornier, you'd probably agree it is best to end it and allow you to pursue a better life without him. Sorry.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello
waaoow...How can you do that :S I would be able to stay with a man juste because I feel bad when your heart is somewhere else... We can truly see where you want to be.
It looks like you feel guilty to make a move. Your families are closes, your wedding day comes back in your mind to make you feel bad,.... You can have a beautiful life, a life that you want. What need to happen to get there? How can you feel good about the choice you want to make? 
I can see that your husband is in love with you in your word, but is he really? Is he more in love with the fact to be in love? How can you love somebody when that someone wants to be somewhere else...Is it because he doesn't want to be alone? Is it why he get on his knees?
Yup, I would think about all that...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hunger said:


> I understand the cliche in ILYBINILWY. I have heard it before and don't believe it. I just thought it was a good subject for what is going on.


You don't understand it from the point of view from the betrayed, when you are on the other side of the equation you just can't ignore it, it is so obvious.



> I also get the whole re-writing history, but I know for a fact that everything I wrote about before I met the OM was true. I did not just make it up and start re-writing our history due to the affair.


No you seem to acknowledge a bunch of positive traits your H has, but you have rewritten your emotional history (I guarantee it). Now I don't think most DS ever truly come around to seeing it this way but regardless it would be interesting to challenge you to come back and reread this in 2-3 years from now.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Thanks for the input. :/


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Oh and another thing Hunger, regarding the other man. You really think this guy is relationship material? I mean, he is cheating with a married woman.....how could the either of you trust each other if you do decide to embark on a relationship? He in parity will never consider you to be relationship material either. Because let's get real here, they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> You met a guy with better game than your husband and you've attached some meaning to that.


I strongly agree with this statement and not only that the guy has better game, but he also has more charisma.



> If the roles were reversed, and it was your husband on this board posting how he met someone who got him hornier, you'd probably agree it is best to end it and allow you to pursue a better life without him. Sorry.


But, I strongly disagree with this statement. My opinion is you definitely would NOT want to end the marriage. Him having an affair would be a serious and traumatic blow to your ego and would cause you to have a dramatic change of heart.

For once, I don't want to come down hard and judgmental on a wayward spouse because I think I kind of know how you feel. This is, of course, based on the assumption that you have not rewritten the history of your feelings although I would be more willing to bet you have. Nevertheless, as a woman, I am going to try to place myself in your shoes.

I think this is prime example of what a lot of people talk about on this board, particularly the men. Yet, faced with evidence and outcome of what they preach to other men, they're not exactly willing to even recognize they probably have been right all the long. I, myself, don't agree with them every time or on all points of issue, but (wagging my tail) I have to commend them for getting this one right. This point of issue, I mean.

What I'm trying to say is your husband is TOOOO INTO you for you to be able to accept that you are worthy of his love, for you to have any respect for him, or for you to be able to love him deeply as you seem to seek from other men. (By the way, I don't believe this guy was your only affair.) That is a sad and dreadful fact of womanhood, most unfortuantely. If you knew that the number one complaint by women on this board (and all the boards like it) are how badly their husband treats them - horribly badly by anyones' standards - you'd have to wonder why they need this group of unprofessional strangers to tell their idiot arses to leave the jerk. Yet, they stay......they love him still......are still very deeply in love with him and can't seem to tear themselves away from the abuse or the abuser. Not once have I ever read from a woman with these kinds of complaints say she had an affair. Never once. Not one time. Zip. Zero. Zilch. You might even be surprised to know they don't appreciate us or anyone calling him the sick/sad jerk that he is. They come to his defense faster than your heart beats. They also don't appreciate us or anyone telling them to leave him. They simply.....don't.....leave. So, what does that tell me/you?

Here you are with the man of every woman's dreams (obviously not), and not only are you not in love with him, but you don't want him. You want all the other men. You don't want to be married to him anymore. You want all the other men. You are thinking about divorce. And, you want all the other men. You tell us in one breath how wonderful he is ,how devoted to you he is, and how much he loves you and in the next breath, you tell us that you've done this god awful thing to him and your marriage. And what is more? You don't even care. All you can think about is yourself and how you feel.

Well, this is the flip side if ever I have seen it. 

And I have seen it because I have been you before. We all have. All women that is, or most of us at least (not that we all had the poor taste of having an affair or the poor judgment of marrying a man we didn't love.) We don't want the nice guy. We are not attracted from deep within to the great guy who is good TO us and FOR us.....no matter how good looking he is. We women are generally attracted to strong and powerful men with emphasis on "strong." This other man you like could probably take you or leave you, and that's why you like him. That he's not all into you like your husband is, makes your desire stronger. I'm not talking about sexual desire although it comes down to that. I'm talking your need to BE desired. And every woman needs to be desired by a strong and self-confident man, or she doesn't feel worthy.

If your husband had an affair, you'd be shocked he actually had the nerve. You'd be hurt and practically go out of your mind to learn he could actually desire someone who is not you. And guess what, you'd fall deeply in love with him then and scared shaking in your boots that he might leave you. He would have your respect then, which would make you feel worthy and make you feel he is worthy of you. Right now, that is your problem. You don't feel worthy of his love because you haven't earned or suffered for it, so you think you are too good for him. He is not strong and self-confident enough to win you. I'm nor saying he has to beat you or otherwise mistreat you for you to feel worthy or for you to want him. I'm saying your husband lacks the qualities that stem from those same traits that produce the brutal aspects of his ego.

The guys here talk about alpha male, beta male, and a combination of both. They also talk about Married Man Sex Life and The MAP. You will do yourself and your husband a great justice to introduce him to the website in that link. You husband needs to do something to make you fall in love with him and how to become the type of man a woman needs. Like I said, if he had an affair, you would fall madly in love with him and hold on to your marriage for dear life. You are wrong as wrong can be for having any affairs at all and for thinking the grass is greener elsewhere. You are young (I can tell, no offense) and full of ideas and ideals, but you will live to sorely regret not appreciating what you have in him after a few hard knocks and the expensive lessons you pay for in life kick your butt a few times. You will end up hating yourself for destroying him and destroying your marriage. Give him the opportunity, the tools, and the freedom to learn and grow, and you'll have every man you want in YOUR man. Also because you are young, you think he is supposed to know how you feel, what you're thinking, and what you need and expect from a man. But, he does not know, and you make a mistake to think he can read your mind. You make a mistake thinking any man can and that any others are better than him.

If he does not rock your world in bed, then you both need to work on that also. There are many websites, books, and videos (not porn) that can help him in the areas of prowess and technique. From what you stated, I'm thinking that more than anything he is just inexperienced. You will gain a lot more respect for him and admiration, too.

You are making an horrible mistake. You may divorce your husband thinking that you want to be in love with someone and that being in love is so great. Well, it is, but the grass is not always greener.

Please don't find yourself thinking in 5 or 10 years "I should have listened to the lady on that marriage website." Stop making your mistakes right now and listen. You won't regret it. Besides, what could it possibly hurt? What have you to lose by listening right now?

Finally, stop thinking about yourself and feeling sorry for yourself. Feel some remorse for your husband's sake and give him a deep and heartfelt apology and promise to give him and your marriage a real chance. You OWE him that.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

growtogether said:


> Hello
> waaoow...How can you do that :S I would be able to stay with a man juste because I feel bad when your heart is somewhere else... We can truly see where you want to be.
> It looks like you feel guilty to make a move. Your families are closes, your wedding day comes back in your mind to make you feel bad,.... You can have a beautiful life, a life that you want. What need to happen to get there? How can you feel good about the choice you want to make?
> I can see that your husband is in love with you in your word, but is he really? Is he more in love with the fact to be in love? How can you love somebody when that someone wants to be somewhere else...Is it because he doesn't want to be alone? Is it why he get on his knees?
> Yup, I would think about all that...


Hi. 

I know deep down that I truly love my husband. I have always loved him. We have built such a strong friendship over the past few years that we just love spending time together. It’s the romantic connection that I guess I have always been missing. My H says that he has always had that “in love” romantic feeling for me which I am sure because he does everything he can for me and is always so loving… maybe I just take it for granted. Who knows…. :/ He also tells me that I always turn him on and always wants to make love to me, but he doesn’t instigate anything. I believe that actions speak louder than words. You can tell me you want me all the time but yet you don’t try so it doesn’t seem like you really do. He blames it on working hard and constantly being tired which I get but come on…. The only times we really have sex is on the weekends after going out with friends and having a few drinks. That could be entirely my fault as well since I don’t feel that sexual attraction/connection with him. It’s almost like everything else in our life is perfect except for that aspect. 

I guess what you are saying could be true. My H could be more in love with the fact of being in love. Ever since this happened we sit down and talk almost every night about our feelings and try to think of things that could help us move forward to get through this and I feel like we continue to go in circles. He keeps telling me that he just wants his wife back. He was expressing to me last night that he was always so proud to show me off to his friends and family…. He even brought up the term his trophy wife…..which immediately when someone says that it makes me think that he is showing off my appearance. I asked him if he meant that he likes to show me off because I am good looking?...and he said it was because he was always so proud of how much I love him no matter what he does. Honestly that made no sense to me…. Not when you mention “trophy wife”. I don’t know.. I am probably looking into everything too much. Lately my mind has been non-stop going. 

You are right; I am very terrified to make a move. I guess in a way I keep telling myself there is a good chance I am still in this so called “fog” so I should wait until I know I am thinking clearly. I don’t know if there should be a time limit or what not….but I don’t think it is wrong of me to stay at this point as a means of committing to a process of healing and grieving with my H….? I guess only time will tell. 

I hope I answered all your questions... I apoligize if I dont make sense half the time... I am really just writing everything that I am thinking. :scratchhead:


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Do him a favour and file for divorce yourself. No one should endure this torture. As you said, there are plenty of lonely women out there dreaming of a man like your husband. There's no point leading him on any further.


I am not trying to "lead him on". My H wants to try as hard as we can and give it time; & considering I am the one that caused all of this pain and sufferering the lease I can do is follow his wishes.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

seeking sanity said:


> Hunger, what you'll find on a board like this is that most of us have heard some many version of your story, it's pathetic.
> 
> It comes down to this:
> 
> ...


So in other words, because we have been only married for 8 months and because we are still young I should just give up because it is not worth it? Yes, we have only been married for 8 months but we have lived together for over 4 years. We have pretty much been married the entire time. We just had a wedding in August.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Lon said:


> You don't understand it from the point of view from the betrayed, when you are on the other side of the equation you just can't ignore it, it is so obvious.




I understand that I dont understand it from my H pov. I am not trying to ignore the fact that I dont understand. Every night I make it a point to be very patient and sit and talk with my H about everything that is going on. I listen and and try to understand how he is feelings. I realize I will never be able to fully understand his feelings in this situation, but I am trying. I feel like this is all I can do. 



Lon said:


> No you seem to acknowledge a bunch of positive traits your H has, but you have rewritten your emotional history (I guarantee it). Now I don't think most DS ever truly come around to seeing it this way but regardless it would be interesting to challenge you to come back and reread this in 2-3 years from now.



I have read a lot about "re-writing history" and I am sure I have done this is some cases, but I know for a fact that most of the feelings and concerns I expressed in my first post were concerns I have always had. Not just after the A. However I have no doubt that because of the A all of these concerns have came to the forefront, but in a way I am glad that happened because its as if I was building up resentment throughout our entire relationship... and the MC is actually the one that brought this up.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Hunger said:


> I am not trying to "lead him on". My H wants to try as hard as we can and give it time; & considering I am the one that caused all of this pain and sufferering the lease I can do is follow his wishes.


He is emotionally broken down that's why he is still attached to you, once he comes back to his sense's he'll start to have anger/resentment towards you. If you have no love left for your husband, morally the best thing you can do is file for divorce yourself and stop hurting him anymore.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Lon said:


> you have rewritten your emotional history (I guarantee it). .


You cannot guarantee it. 

You have no idea how many people marry someone they already know that they are not all that attracted to. You have no idea how many people WANT to make a marriage work b/c all the other stuff is there. You have no idea how hard it is to have sex with someone who feels like a sibling. 

You can call it the fog all you want, but many times, the "downside" of the marriage is there long before an affair. The affair does not "cause" the other person to appear insufficient--there were things lacking that led to the affair.

How do I know? Because I'm one of the people who felt and thought all these things long, long before I left my marriage (without having an affair). I know other women who have voiced the same things long before THEY left their marriages. I know how hard many of us struggled b/c we blamed ourselves for ALL the problems in the marriage. 

Being betrayed is awful, I get it. But the betrayed spouse who refuses to accept that the marriage wasn't very good from the perspective of the wayward spouse is simply in denial. It won't help others to face their problems if they are continually given the message that the only reason for the affair is b/c the WS is an immoral, cheating b*tch. It won't help move toward reconciliation OR toward healing if people are encouraged to live in denial. 

You will believe what you want--but there are too many facts for a rational person to ignore. 

The cheating is wrong--but that does not mean that everything was "tolerable" before hand. Cheaters lack the courage to confront their problems in the marriage--but they don't lack the problems in the marraige.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

sisters359 said:


> You cannot guarantee it.
> 
> You have no idea how many people marry someone they already know that they are not all that attracted to. You have no idea how many people WANT to make a marriage work b/c all the other stuff is there. You have no idea how hard it is to have sex with someone who feels like a sibling.


It is sad to think that others have done the same thing. I wanted so much to believe that all of the doubts during our engagement and before the wedding were “wedding gitters”. I look back now and feel like I got so wrapped up in planning a large wedding that I almost forgot what we were actually doing until the day. I wish I never would have overlooked any of my feelings/concerns/doubts because now I feel like I am trapped and don’t know what to do. I am married to a wonderful man who would do anything to me; yet I feel like my heart is not in full throttle like his. It’s not that I feel like I am having sex with a sibling when we have sex; it just bothers me that I don’t get into it and always want it to end almost right when it started because I don’t feel attracted to him when we have sex. I look at him and I don’t feel that need to please or that want for him like you should feel. There was one night about two years ago that I started crying after the 10 minute sex and it was because I felt such despair. I was sad to think that is all there was and discouraged that it will always be like that. I even voiced what I thought out loud to my husband and he was in complete shock, but after that night we never talked about it. I just forgot I guess. I know I can’t do anything about it now, but all these “what ifs” keep running through my head. I wish I could force that connection. :/


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

sisters359 said:


> You can call it the fog all you want, but many times, the "downside" of the marriage is there long before an affair. The affair does not "cause" the other person to appear insufficient--there were things lacking that led to the affair.


Lately I have been calling it a fog because it has not been very long since I stopped contact with the OM and I still think about him all the time. He is even in my dreams. I wish I could stop it. I know with time the thoughts and dreams will begin to fade. My H and I have been reading several affair books lately as well as co-dependency books and the “fog” is referred to quite a bit in the affair ones. This is why NC is required in order to think clearly. What I understand about this so called “fog” is that it does in fact cause the other person to appear insufficient because in a way you have given your heart to the OM… or deposited all of your love into the OM’s love bank. However I agree with you when you say that the “downside” of the marriage is long before the affair. I believe that the A just brings it all to light when it may have been hiding in denial before. I have no doubt that most of this is my fault. I am the one that decided to “hide” my true feelings in certain aspects of our relationship because everything else was great. I feel like the only times I would get the nerve to tell my H how I felt about our connection/sexual drive for each other was when I was drinking and of course I have no credibility when I am drinking so it never went past that night. I admit I don’t know when to stop drinking when I do but I know for a fact everything that comes out of my mouth when I am drinking is the truth. If I were my H I would pay more attention that that! …but of course he doesn’t because he just thinks it is because I am drinking. The night I met the OM I was drinking which was over a month ago and I haven’t had a sip since then… I guess for the sake of my husband. I would rather him know that I am committed to anything I can do to try and make this work or to get my feelings back I guess.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

sisters359 said:


> How do I know? Because I'm one of the people who felt and thought all these things long, long before I left my marriage (without having an affair). I know other women who have voiced the same things long before THEY left their marriages. I know how hard many of us struggled b/c we blamed ourselves for ALL the problems in the marriage.


I just blame myself for not bringing up these feelings before because my H is such a wonderful and loving man. Besides the communication and sexual connection, our life is great. We enjoy spending time together and always have fun on the weekends. It is pleasant.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

I don't think so you can and really want to force that connection. Be honest with yourself. You deserve the life you truly want... You will take the decision to get stuck there or to explore life.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

sisters359 said:


> Being betrayed is awful, I get it. But the betrayed spouse who refuses to accept that the marriage wasn't very good from the perspective of the wayward spouse is simply in denial. It won't help others to face their problems if they are continually given the message that the only reason for the affair is b/c the WS is an immoral, cheating b*tch. It won't help move toward reconciliation OR toward healing if people are encouraged to live in denial.


This is why I feel like time will only tell when it comes to knowing what we should do. Everyone thinks I am in a fog and sometimes I agree, but I also know deep down how I feel. I have very little hope that my feelings will miraculously change when I had felt these ways before. However; I feel like I have an obligation to do whatever I can to see if our marriage has a fighting chance. The last thing my H wants to do is separate or divorce even though he knows EXACTLY how I feel about him right now… so I feel like it would be me just giving up to end things right now. 

BTW... Thank you for your input. I feel like you are the first person that may actually know how I am truly feeling and in a way that is a huge relief. I started to think that I was crazy and that everyone must be right in saying that it is just "wayward spouse psychology" that is going on here..... that my mind is just tricking me and this will all just go away.... IDK. So crazy to think.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

growtogether said:


> I don't think so you can and really want to force that connection. Be honest with yourself. You deserve the life you truly want... You will take the decision to get stuck there or to explore life.


That is the sad part. My life is really good. Wejust bought a beautiful home, both have great jobs, and I have a husband that treats me like a princess. I stand in our new home and look around and feel so sad because I feel like I have turned our whole world upside down. I wish I didnt always feel like there was "something missing". I wish I could be truly happy with the life that we have together, but its as if I desire something more. I have these desires that extend way beyond just a beautiful home and a wonderful husband. I wish I could explain it all, but that is why I am seeking counseling. We are doing MC counseling but I am also doing IC as well. I feel like there is something that is broken within me. Maybe with a little time & counseling I can figure out what that is.....maybe that will help me to build that connection with my H. I could be fooling myself though.... I just keep telling that myself that I HAVE to be patient... and coming from a girl that has never been patient in her life... that is a TOUGH one.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Hunger, on some level, I'm going to agree with sisters and say this isn't as cut and dry as some would believe.

I do think the marriage was probably not very good from your perspective. I think your real failing was more of emotional immaturity and/or lack of self-awareness - you were not in touch with yourself enough to give your H a fighting chance to help move the marriage into one you could really put your heart into. You did not/could not communicate with your H and therefore you must have felt pretty disconnected. And the fact that you still are just vaguely aware that something is missing really speaks to that. I don't say any of this to judge - in fact, I have been going through the same sort of awakening myself.

I do think that if you can work with your husband in the most dignified way possible going forward, with full emotional honesty, you'll both be better off, no matter what the outcome is. And you will have grown personally by leaps and bounds.

Good luck to you.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

I'm just thinking of your story with the other guy. Between you and him, there had a connection, that connection that you are looking for. You know, there is a statement saying: girls cannot be friends with boys'', meaning that there is always love that is going to show somewhere...Well, that is not true. You can be friend with a man and not have those feelings of love.
It seems like it's your situation. Like if your husband is a friend. If you had that connection with someone, it will be possible to find it with somebody...with your husband? I don't know. 
You want to work on it, you think you can make a fire inside of you. I hope you are right, but maybe it's something else.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Are you that girl Stephanie Anne who deleted her other threads? Exact same story...or am I in the twilight zone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

River1977 said:


> What I'm trying to say is your husband is TOOOO INTO you for you to be able to accept that you are worthy of his love, for you to have any respect for him, or for you to be able to love him deeply as you seem to seek from other men. (By the way, I don't believe this guy was your only affair.)


You are completely right. I know my husband loves me and before we got married I never had a doubt that he was TOOOO INTO me. He has always been like that and my friends have always observed this. I feel smothered often and wish I had more space but on the flip side it is nice when I am down and really need some lovin. Maybe that is true… maybe I don’t feel like I am “worthy of his love”. It just has always been there since the moment we met so in a way maybe it’s more like I have taken his love for granted. There are several possibilities. I just keep thinking that he would be so great for someone that needed that all the time, but I don’t. I am not just trying to give my H away or anything but it kills me that I am so different than him in that aspect. I am more dependent and not in need for constant affection and he is always needing to give it. I feel guilty when I get frustrated or irritated easily when he is constantly telling me he loves me, always asking if I am okay or what I am thinking, and persistently telling me how to cuddle with him because I guess I don’t do it the right way! 



River1977 said:


> Here you are with the man of every woman's dreams (obviously not), and not only are you not in love with him, but you don't want him. You want all the other men. You don't want to be married to him anymore. You want all the other men. You are thinking about divorce. And, you want all the other men. You tell us in one breath how wonderful he is ,how devoted to you he is, and how much he loves you and in the next breath, you tell us that you've done this god awful thing to him and your marriage. And what is more? You don't even care. All you can think about is yourself and how you feel.


It’s not that I simply “don’t want him” or just “don’t love him”. I know I love him. I wouldn’t be with someone for this long if I didn’t love him. Possibly it’s not the wife/husband type of love but I know that I love him. I know how that wrong that sounds considering we just got married back in August but this is what I am dealing with right now. I am facing these issues/feelings and trying got figure out why. I talk about how wonderful of a man he is all the time because I am filled with tremendous guilt and confusion all the time because I wish I could just love this incredible man as much as he loves me. 


River1977 said:


> And I have seen it because I have been you before. We all have. All women that is, or most of us at least (not that we all had the poor taste of having an affair or the poor judgment of marrying a man we didn't love.) We don't want the nice guy. We are not attracted from deep within to the great guy who is good TO us and FOR us.....no matter how good looking he is. We women are generally attracted to strong and powerful men with emphasis on "strong." This other man you like could probably take you or leave you, and that's why you like him. That he's not all into you like your husband is, makes your desire stronger. I'm not talking about sexual desire although it comes down to that. I'm talking your need to BE desired. And every woman needs to be desired by a strong and self-confident man, or she doesn't feel worthy.
> 
> If your husband had an affair, you'd be shocked he actually had the nerve. You'd be hurt and practically go out of your mind to learn he could actually desire someone who is not you. And guess what, you'd fall deeply in love with him then and scared shaking in your boots that he might leave you. He would have your respect then, which would make you feel worthy and make you feel he is worthy of you. Right now, that is your problem. You don't feel worthy of his love because you haven't earned or suffered for it, so you think you are too good for him. He is not strong and self-confident enough to win you. I'm nor saying he has to beat you or otherwise mistreat you for you to feel worthy or for you to want him. I'm saying your husband lacks the qualities that stem from those same traits that produce the brutal aspects of his ego.


I don’t know if that is true about him having an affair. I almost feel like in a way it would have brought up all of the same issues/concerns/feelings that I having an affair on him did. I feel like I may be in the same boat if that happened. But I can’t be for sure. I understand where you are coming from though and feel like most of the time that would be true. I just know that what I have been feeling has been the same for years so him having an affair could have just pushed me overboard. 


River1977 said:


> You are young (I can tell, no offense) and full of ideas and ideals, but you will live to sorely regret not appreciating what you have in him after a few hard knocks and the expensive lessons you pay for in life kick your butt a few times. You will end up hating yourself for destroying him and destroying your marriage. Give him the opportunity, the tools, and the freedom to learn and grow, and you'll have every man you want in YOUR man.


This is one of the main reasons why I am not just throwing in the towel. I am scared that I will hate myself for doing this to my H and my marriage and this is the reason why I want to do it the right way. I want to give it time and make sure what I am feeling is real. 


River1977 said:


> If he does not rock your world in bed, then you both need to work on that also. There are many websites, books, and videos (not porn) that can help him in the areas of prowess and technique. From what you stated, I'm thinking that more than anything he is just inexperienced. You will gain a lot more respect for him and admiration, too.





It’s not that he doesn’t rock my world. It’s the fact that the sexual connection towards him has never been there for me. I have felt it with others before having sex with them and during an entire relationship, but not with my H. I have always disregarding this aspect of our relationship because like I have said before… everything else is great. We plan on working on it…. So again only time will tell I guess. I feel like I keep going in circles with all of the feelings…. Schmeelings…. 
Thank you for all of your input and advice. I know leaving would be a horrible mistake so I will be patient and continue to work on our marriage. Maybe fate will sort itself out.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Thank you Acorn.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Are you that girl Stephanie Anne who deleted her other threads? Exact same story...or am I in the twilight zone?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No twilight zone. I had to delete and change because there were a few people I know personally metaling because they overheard me talking about TAM. I really enjoy getting feedback on here from others... however I like for it to remain discreet. I was probably just being paranoid as well.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

After being/living together 4 years, and I assume having sex for some or most of that time, why would you marry someone who did not fulfil you in that way?

What suddenly happened after the marriage date 8 months ago?

Based on my experiences at this time, I would not hold out hope any longer than you both have to. Because, I have heard the statement, "in our 12 years of marriage, I was miserable for most of them."


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I definately wouldn't want my friends and family to read and know my personal stuff on here either, so glad I didn't use real name..cantsitstill is what i came up with because..i literally never sit still..I'm a very nervous person
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> I definately wouldn't want my friends and family to read and know my personal stuff on here either, so glad I didn't use real name..cantsitstill is what i came up with because..i literally never sit still..I'm a very nervous person
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


lol. Yeah. I got hunger from hunger games (yes i know i am a dork!) and thought the word hunger kind of explained how I feel... in a weird way. :scratchhead:


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Jayb said:


> After being/living together 4 years, and I assume having sex for some or most of that time, why would you marry someone who did not fulfil you in that way?


I guess because everything else has always been great. We rarely argue, we have tons of fun together on the weekends, and we enjoy spending time together every night. For the most part we are compatible. I have grown to love his hobbies (can’t say much for him loving mine)….. And in the past year or so our families have gotten really close. Even closer now after the affair. :/ I guess I have always put my desires on the backburner because everything else was fine. What it took was to meet another man who I connected with on so many different levels.. and BAM... its like all of these desires and needs that were never met are tearing me apart now.. Its as if I know there is more happiness out there for me and I have just always ignored it. Thinking about all of this and how this happens makes me feel like such a selfish woman. IDK... just thinkin.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Jayb said:


> What suddenly happened after the marriage date 8 months ago?



Meeting another man happened.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I only read about 2/3 of your post. Just do your husband a favor and leave him. No kids. Short commitment. He's young. He'll find someone who's good for him.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Your responses make me think you are going to counseling more to help him, rather than you. You love him so much, you don't want to hurt him. And I know about that.

At this point, I'd say come to a mutual decision and end this marriage before settling down, having children together and living resentful for years.


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## strikethree (Mar 8, 2012)

Hunger said:


> Meeting another man happened.


That's not a valid excuse at all. You didn't take vows to be faithful until you happen to meet someone you think is better.

You should be merciful to your betrayed husband. Tell him about the affair and then divorce him. He doesn't deserve to waste years fighting for a marriage with someone who may or may not be faithful depending on who they meet.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

MrK said:


> I only read about 2/3 of your post. Just do your husband a favor and leave him. No kids. Short commitment. He's young. He'll find someone who's good for him.


Hmm, thx for clarifying you only read 2/3. Rude.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Jayb said:


> Your responses make me think you are going to counseling more to help him, rather than you. You love him so much, you don't want to hurt him. And I know about that.
> 
> At this point, I'd say come to a mutual decision and end this marriage before settling down, having children together and living resentful for years.


It is 100% out of the question that any decision other than staying to try and R would be mutual. :/


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

strikethree said:


> That's not a valid excuse at all. You didn't take vows to be faithful until you happen to meet someone you think is better.
> 
> You should be merciful to your betrayed husband. Tell him about the affair and then divorce him. He doesn't deserve to waste years fighting for a marriage with someone who may or may not be faithful depending on who they meet.


I was simply just answering the question; not using that as an excuse. Sorry if it seemed that way. I am very remorseful and have told my H the truth. The last thing he wants to do is divorce and I dont feel like I should be the one to make any decisions considering I am the one that caused all of this pain and suffering.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Do the proper thing and let him go,he will get over you.Let him move on,you're just stringing out the pain and giving him false hope,believe me,been there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

calvin said:


> Do the proper thing and let him go,he will get over you.Let him move on,you're just stringing out the pain and giving him false hope,believe me,been there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So in other words, your advice is to just automatically give up and not try?


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

I know this sounds really horrible... but lately it has been so hard to comfort my H no matter how hard I try. I make him dinner every night, I gave him my phone so he doesn’t worry about me contacting the OM (I wouldn’t but just for his peace of mind), I rub his head every night, I cuddle laying on the couch with him every night, and I de-activated my FB also for his peace of mind. He still acts as if I am not doing anything to comfort him after my affair and I feel like it is impossible. I don’t understand how he is feeling but I know from hearing everyone’s stories and seeing his pain just how painful dealing with an affair is. I am on the other side so I don’t feel it as deeply as he does but there are times where I break down as well. 

Just lately I feel so guilty because I am starting to feel so smothered (hate the word but couldn’t think of any other way to put it) from my H. He calls my work constantly and doesn’t care if I can’t talk, he comes into my work almost daily when he would maybe come in one every few months or so as a surprise, he wakes me up every hour of the night because I am not cuddling with him or not holding his hand, I also somehow don’t know how to cuddle "right" when I try to cuddle with him on the couch, and I can’t take a shower/bath without him wanting to be in the bathroom talking to me the entire time. I know that this sound VERY selfish of me considering I am the one that inflicted this horrible pain and I should be bending over backwards... but I can’t help how I feel. By NO means to I share these feelings with him... but I feel so guilty that I even feel this way. I feel like it is pushing me away when I am trying as hard as I can to be closer and to feel the "in love" feelings with my H.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Hunger said:


> I know this sounds really horrible... but lately it has been so hard to comfort my H no matter how hard I try. I make him dinner every night, I gave him my phone so he doesn’t worry about me contacting the OM (I wouldn’t but just for his peace of mind), I rub his head every night, I cuddle laying on the couch with him every night, and I de-activated my FB also for his peace of mind. He still acts as if I am not doing anything to comfort him after my affair and I feel like it is impossible. I don’t understand how he is feeling but I know from hearing everyone’s stories and seeing his pain just how painful dealing with an affair is. I am on the other side so I don’t feel it as deeply as he does but there are times where I break down as well.
> 
> Just lately I feel so guilty because I am starting to feel so smothered (hate the word but couldn’t think of any other way to put it) from my H. He calls my work constantly and doesn’t care if I can’t talk, he comes into my work almost daily when he would maybe come in one every few months or so as a surprise, he wakes me up every hour of the night because I am not cuddling with him or not holding his hand, I also somehow don’t know how to cuddle "right" when I try to cuddle with him on the couch, and I can’t take a shower/bath without him wanting to be in the bathroom talking to me the entire time. I know that this sound VERY selfish of me considering I am the one that inflicted this horrible pain and I should be bending over backwards... but I can’t help how I feel. By NO means to I share these feelings with him... but I feel so guilty that I even feel this way. I feel like it is pushing me away when I am trying as hard as I can to be closer and to feel the "in love" feelings with my H.


What would his reaction be if he read all of your posts here? If you looked him in the eye and said, I am not sexually attracted to you, nor have I had sexual feelings for you/with you in 4 years. Everything else is wonderful, though.

Would he accept it and want you to try? Or, would he be hurt, confused, etc.?

Getting over betrayal isn't easy. Nor, is it on a defined timetable. 

That is why so many here think it would be better for you both to go your separate ways. 

Because, you're feeling smothered now. You will start resenting on the hoops you have to jump through, just to appease your husband. Then, you may meet some OM, who you may be attracted to, who would hit all your cylinders and not require all the "work" you're doing now for less than satisfactory sex.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Hunger said:


> So in other words, your advice is to just automatically give up and not try?


I think you are missing what some of the other posters are trying to say. You are looking at this marriage in a way that reflects the mindset that many men or women would have at your age, with your partner being the one who is more in love. Try to take a step back and look at it realistically, from the point of view of a long term marriage. Sorry to say, but in nearly any marriage you will not be in the same position throughout the marriage. There will be a time where your options might appear limited. You'll see how aging tends to affect how you perceive your options outside of your current marriage. Your husband, any husband, will very likely grow above his lack of confidence. Men hit their confidence stride later, but almost all do. Really, many, many guys feel the pressure that drives them to elevate their wife's needs at his current age, but for most, they begin to mature. Those who see the wife's love as greater might respond like you do. Whether it is a few years down the road, or fifteen years, he will begin to see that your affair and limited appreciation for him stole something that could have been. When the relative roles are reversed, as they inviariably are in almost every marriage, we learn what it really means to love a person, and how it is something very deliberate, and more than the feeling that twenty year olds describe. With him, infidelity in any shape or form never goes away, so there is always the fear that he'll sense the position change, and feel a lot of self-bitterness and shame for groveling like he is doing now. It is a very common theme on this site - men, suddenly reacting to an infidelity that occurred years before. Divorce ten to fifteen years after the affair, when the wife thought things were going so well.

I'm not suggesting that this alone would be reason to end the marriage. I hope you can see that as an older person (late forties) in a long marriage, I've just seen this balance shift several times. The point would be to committ to reconciliation if you understand that you'll be trying to learn how to grow your love for each other, beyond a simple feeling. And another aspect of counseling is to try to help him really deal with the infidelity, instead of trying to move past it.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I am doing all those things, letting Calvin see my fb, phone, reassurring him and if he was sufficating me I'd be so happy about it..it's a bumpy road. I dont wanna lose him! It's gonna get harder, your hubby is going to wake up and realise what you did and it's gonna be scary...well it is for me..If only I could turn back time UGGG! Sorry just venting
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Jayb said:


> What would his reaction be if he read all of your posts here? If you looked him in the eye and said, I am not sexually attracted to you, nor have I had sexual feelings for you/with you in 4 years. Everything else is wonderful, though.
> 
> Would he accept it and want you to try? Or, would he be hurt, confused, etc.?
> 
> ...


I have already told my H that I am not sexually attracted to him and he wants to try. I am not complaining about the work; I understand that it is a lot of work, and I am willing to work with him to move forward. At lease for the sake of being committed to a process of healing and grieving.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Just so you know, there is a glitter of hope..Hate to think about this or admit this but I told my husband the same thing, I looked him in the eyes and told him I am not sexually attracted to him and also that I'm not in love with hhim anymore..even told him that I wanted to date the OM and I left for my sister's house. Thankfully in the time I was gone I stopped contact with OM..well actually he ignored me so then I woke up and realised alot...Calvin talked me thru a major panic attack..btw Calvin is my husband, and he totally caught my heart again and am so in love with him now more than ever..I sincerely am totally truly in love with him and I feel it..I mean our sex life is unbelievable and used to be pretty non existant, it was all about re connecting with him and now I would do anything to save our marriage..it's like a miracle! I really thought there was no spark left and I was wrong.. I love him so deeply and now it's more than how you would love a relative it's more like he's my lover, soul mate all over again..anything is possible, but because I moved out for a few days I think that's what cleared the fog.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Hunger said:


> Hmm, thx for clarifying you only read 2/3. Rude.


Rude, maybe. But I'm not the one who married someone I wasn't attracted to then chose to fix it by having an affair. And 2/3 was enough. I don't care about you. You made your bed. Set him free. Leave him. Anything less is selfish on your part (yes, more selfish than you've been).


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

MrK said:


> Rude, maybe. But I'm not the one who married someone I wasn't attracted to then chose to fix it by having an affair. And 2/3 was enough. I don't care about you. You made your bed. Set him free. Leave him. Anything less is selfish on your part (yes, more selfish than you've been).


:iagree:


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

If you care at all then let him go,all youre doing is sticking your fingers into the wound and making it worse,he needs a woman who will love him,not play stupid high school games,I really think you like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

That is sick to think that someone would like this. There is not a chance in hell there is any liking involved in this situation. It makes me sick to my stomach seeing him in so much pain every day.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Hunger said:


> That is sick to think that someone would like this. There is not a chance in hell there is any liking involved in this situation. It makes me sick to my stomach seeing him in so much pain every day.


True. Yet, you still think about the other man and how good he was.


That's why your husband is more your friend than lover.


And, he needs help in realizing that.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Hunger said:


> That is sick to think that someone would like this. There is not a chance in hell there is any liking involved in this situation. *It makes me sick to my stomach seeing him in so much pain every day*.


That's why you're still eating his cake but thinking about the OM?


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

I am doing everything possible not to think about the OM. With time I know these thoughts will dissipate. All I can do is keep praying……

Saw my counselor this morning. She is really looking forward to more IC along with MC because she thinks I have a lot of hurt & pain deep down that we can work on. She understands that I am having a hard time feeling anything for my H and she said she has seen this many times before and it most likely surpass. 

We started writing down what I would be losing out if I were able to stop thinking about this OM rather than continuing to think about the OM and the not thinking about him had a lot more plusses! Plus we talked about red flags I had noticed with the OM and that helps me to direct my thoughts a different direction. I am trying…….. :/


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Reality will hit you, just keep up with the no contact and continue with counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strikethree (Mar 8, 2012)

Like it or not, your very short marriage is already tainted. 
Like it or not, he will never trust you again, or at least never the same way. 
Like it or not, having an affair once will make it easier to do so again.
Like it or not, one of these days, if you stick it out, if he is ever tempted it will be easier for him to say... well she did it.

The marriage is short and you don't have kids. All you have is an extremely uphill battle.

The fact that you're *already* frustrated at him for reacting as a betrayed spouse would be expected to react is an indicator to me that you don't have what it takes for a lasting true reconciliation.

Be merciful. Tell him that he is too good for you and divorce him.


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## Always_Sunny (Jan 31, 2012)

Keep "praying" Hunger. Sure, that will make you not think about the OM.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Always_Sunny said:


> Keep "praying" Hunger. Sure, that will make you not think about the OM.


Thank you I will. :/


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

My only advice is to let him go. You THINK leaving will hurt him more but nothing compares to what you've already done to him. 

Consider leaving like shooting a suffering animal...sure it sucks, but you need to put the poor creature out of it's misery.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> That is sick to think that someone would like this. There is not a chance in hell there is any liking involved in this situation. It makes me sick to my stomach seeing him in so much pain every day.


May I ask a question then. If you are sick to your stomach to see your husband in so much pain, why are you still thinking of the other man? After all, didn't he cause your husband pain as well? You should consider the OM your worst enemy. You should be picturing him shoving a bayonet through your husband's chest piercing his heart. Instead you are longing for him as your soulmate.

River is absolutely right. You crave the OM because he doesn't give a damn about you. He plotted to use you and did. Therefore you want him. Your husband does everything for you. You don't appreciate it because you don't have to work for it. It's not a challenge. You are thinking like a high school cheerleader, not a grown mature woman. A self aware woman like so many here on TAM would be able to appreciate what your husband is willing to provide and would be cognizant of what they need their husband to do to become a better man. Actually, a self aware woman would work on making themselves a better wife as well.

The sad part is that, like Halien said, someday your husband is going to hit his stride. He's going to develop those alpha qualities that you are looking for. But by then you won't be in his life anymore because you aren't self aware enough to appreciate the life you have. Remember, nobody else can make you happy. Happiness comes from within.


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## Justfine (Sep 17, 2012)

Hunger omg! I feel like I'm looking in a mirror almost. Well, I haven't had an affair but I posted the same feelings earlier this week. I too am lost with what to do. My H is the perfect role model H and we have been together about the same time as you (officially married for 3 years, together for about 4 total). I just never had the feelings for him and I didn't know going into it if it was just due to nerves being a first timer in marriage or what. Soooo we are at the point now where we're giving it time. I told him I wasn't attracted to him in that way but I too genuinely love him and don't want him to feel the hurt or anything bad to happen to him (totally painful to be the one to do it to him  but he is very into me and has always been from the beginning). I also feel mostly that he is my best friend and I love being around him, but the husband/wife love may not be there. It is more painful than people tend to realize, in my experience reading some opinions so far. I want to be happy deep down inside but I don't want to uproot our lovely, peaceful, beautiful life (which I already have caused tremendous devastation by my confession). I just didn't want to live a lie. And I am currently struggling with the bottom line. This weekend we are trying to get a spot in a marriage retreat so we can spend time doing marriage workshops and further exploring. I don't want to make an irreversible mistake and I want to get to the bottom of it. I am against divorce but I also don't want to feel like I've made a commitment I will regret.

Since I've made my bed, do I just force myself to sleep in it? Or is life too short to be unhappy? And... Am I really unhappy or just going through a phase? I somehow got myself into this mess and I need to find the answer right now before making another choice (to stay) and realize even further down the road that I am continuing to persuade myself to remain in this marriage that I'm just not feeling.

I know that People Make Mistakes. That's what this whole forum is about. So, will I make another? I am interested to see what you end up deciding to do. I feel that we are in the same boat right now.

Regarding your A, it seems to me that you are aware of the psychological retributions and understand that your thinking may be clouded by the OM. You seem aware of the "fog" and take it into account and are treating it responsibly (retroactively of course, but it is the best you can do since its already done). I don't mean to judge you in any way. I'm also young, I also have a pretty short marriage with no kids and a lovely house. And I understand the feelings you have, about the sex and everything. I just wish it wasn't this way, and I felt everything towards my H that he deserves, but since the reality is I don't, I am now trying to decide when/if we should move on 

We also have the same revelations when drunk, and though I know it isn't credible, I can't help but think that it's the truth of how I feel since I'm not being held back in any way trying to be a "good wife." Horrible, right? I almost can't bring myself to admit these less than wonderful things, which is a good indicator of my nature which is probably what got me into this situation to begin with.


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

I just cannot believe this. 8 months of marriage and you tell your husband you are not attracted to him and you take another man as your lover. Seriously!

Just let him go already. He deserves better.

Unbelievable!


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## sunnybeach (Dec 25, 2011)

Geez, why are some of you so rude to her?! Go back and re-read her initial post. She owned what she did, was trying to figure this out and asked for help.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Sunny, this thread hasn't been posted on since Sept, 2012.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

"Honey, I am a Self Centered POS, I would destroy your life if I stayed, I am leaving. You can file for abandoment in a year. I will not cause you any harm in that year. Please think of the good things I did before I became this *****!Good Bye. 

Now, I know that you will not do this because it is all about you but you did ask. David


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## sunnybeach (Dec 25, 2011)

I realize that it is an old thread. I am just surprised at how rude some of the responses were. She clearly knew that what she did was hurtful and wrong. She was asking for help.


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