# He Finally Confessed



## heartbroken101 (May 5, 2015)

I posted in May of last year about finding evidence on my husband's phone of him contacting an escort. When I confronted him, he denied ever meeting one, just said he was curious and texted one for more info. I wanted to believe him, and I wanted to move on, but I knew deep down he was hiding more. Turns out I was right.

We were having a great deal of trouble rebuilding, and I kept telling him that until he was completely honest, we would never be able to recover. After multiple discussions, he finally agreed to be 100% honest. He said he met with an escort 2 times for oral sex in the course of a month. This was right before I found the messages on his phone.

I thought I'd feel better to finally hear the truth, but I'm really devastated. I'm having trouble thinking clearly and I don't know what to do. I don't see how I can forgive him, after the action and especially after him lying about it for so long. I feel like it is bound to happen again, and I would be a fool to stay.

But I can't leave. My children need us, they need the stability and structure. I can't afford a divorce, I am the breadwinner and met with an attorney last year and I just don't see how it's possible.

Where do I start to try to recover from this? What options do I have other than leaving?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

HB, so sorry you are here. You need to get yourself tested for STDs as it could be worse, cheaters normally trickle truth, bit by bit if it all comes out, so he may well have had intercourse also.
Tell him he must be tested too, and you want to see the results.
Tell your friends and family about this, let him deal with the fall out, tell them you have not decided what to do with the marriage. This is to hold him accountable, not necessarily to shame him. Tell family you need their understanding and support right now. Ensure you have a few close friends to support you at this time.
Get yourself a counsellor to deal with your feelings now
he needs consequences, full access to his phone, computer, etc
He must be contactable at all times
You could do MC if you want to but it might be better to wait
Get a lawyer and draw up the papers anyhow, tell him you have done this
Your emotions are all over the place, do not make and major life decisions now until things have died down. You will get through this.
Is your state a no fault state or does adultery mean he will end up with less considering you are the breadwinner?
Were you two having sex?


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## heartbroken101 (May 5, 2015)

I will get tested. He has detailed his encounter with the escort, from what she was wearing to what he touched and what she touched and what positions, etc. There have been many many times in the past that I knew he was lying, and for once I actually believe he is being honest with me this time. I believe he sees his honesty as the only way that we can recover. Wish he would have realized that 10 months ago.

I saw a lawyer last year and she ran down finances and how much I would have to pay under different circumstances, and they all just seemed impossible. It would only be a phone call and a retainer to have the papers drawn up, and my husband is aware of this. I have been tempted several times in the last couple days to make the phone call, but I know I need to process this all some more.

My state allows to file for adultery, but you have to prove intercourse, and even the attorney said that is rare.

We were having sex regularly prior to finding the messages on his phone in May. Since then, we have only been active a handful of times.

Friends are on short supply unfortunately. Not sure if I will be able to tell my family. Told them last year before I saw the lawyer and my dad hasn't been in the same room with my husband ever since. It hurts me to see that. I think I will try to see a therapist myself, because I am struggling with this more than ever before and having a really hard time.

I have had access to everything of his since last May. He has been willing to comply.

We were going to counseling but I stopped going with him because I caught him in several lies that he told to the counselor. I can't continue to go and be lied to, it doesn't do anyone any good. He still sees her once a month.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@heartbroken101, does your husband not work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbroken101 (May 5, 2015)

Yes, we both work full time. He is a forklift operator for the federal government and I am a chemist, therefore I make quite a bit more than he does.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

He has to make an effort... and he has to stop the lies. Don't expect it to be 100% perfect it.

I and a few others *DO* need the the honesty in order to possibly repair the relationship and to heal. If they are never honest, then its pointless to stay in such a relationship. An escort is just sex, but it hurts worse when your SO "is in love" with someone else, either way its betrayal of your trust.

Consider mediation. Come up with an agreement and move on if your relationship cannot be fixed. I filed for custody against my wife. That slapped her in the face about the seriousness of her actions. We went on the cheap. But also, she wanted her family back. She was losing everything for a drunken fling. An Affair fog & alcohol fog ~ and for the settlement, she got nothing - she canceled her lawyer and I got custody. I got what I wanted if we went to trial pretty much. I took it down a notch since she agreed to not fight me. We were done quick. But we're both busy about repairing the damage. I'm not blameless myself. We're both talking and having good normal loving sex again. And we've only started talking a few weeks ago.

You need to give something to him.... okay, he's being more honest with you. Okay, then show him that you'll work with him - if he is completely honest. Point out the lies or disagreements. And see what issues YOU may have.

Hey, if I can forgive my wife, after looking at her phone which she unlocked and handed to me, that has pics with her and the other guy nude and having sex. (which still hurts) Then see what you can do, but you both have to have some love for each other for there to be a chance. If he doesn't want to fix the relationship - he should man-up and make it an easy divorce.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Most likely, you could have joint custody and not have to pay child support. If you were to be ordered to pay alimony of some kind, that won’t last forever. The question becomes, at what price do you sacrifice your dignity to be with a guy who messes around with prostitutes? I would downgrade my lifestyle, pay alimony for a short time, and spend my energy being a good mom to the kids, over trying to fix something that you cannot fix. You cannot fix your husband’s lack of character, or his selfish behaviors. You can’t fix that he simply isn’t a good person. People treat us as we allow. Prayers for you and your family…may you be granted the strength and enlightenment to do the very best thing for yourself and kids.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It sounds like he genuinely wants things to work out between the two of you. He does sound remorseful. And as someone else said, trickle truthing is what they all do - pretty much every last one of them.

He needs to prove to you he's stopped - has he done that? Are you satisfied he isn't continuing his behaviour? Are you able to check whenever you want, and when you do does he strive to put your mind at ease?

Now that you've heard all the gory details of what he did, you're probably suffering from a form of PTSD called PISD - Post Infidelity Stress Disorder. When I found out, I read and read and read books about recovering from cheating. Here's a couple I can recommend

Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder

Not Just Friends

Figure out what YOU want - not what you think you SHOULD do, for the kids or whatever - what YOU YOURSELF really want. IC helped me tremendously with this. Once you know that, you'll know what you need to do next.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

I agree with others that say he sounds like he wants this to work and that he is remorseful. He is going to IC, giving you access to electronics etc, he has come somewhat clean (sorry,you'll never know for sure). I would want to know why he did what he did and how likey it is that he will do it again. I would also consider telling him you have set up a polygraph to make sure he has been completely honest. I don't think you need more details, just if there were more and if it went further than oral.
Trickle truth is the rule. It is possible to make a new marriage that is closer and more intimate than the old marriage (that marriage is dead). It will depend on how much you both want to and ultimately whether or not this is a personal deal breaker for you. 

Liars lie quite convincingly and when the stakes are high so are their skills.

As you read other peoples threads you will see that some people can stay together and some cannot. It is too early to tell what will feel right for you. 

Get some IC to help you work through this devastating time. I am sorry you are here. If it helps -everyone here has felt what you are feeling to some degree. They will help support you.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

heartbroken101 said:


> We were going to counseling but I stopped going with him because I caught him in several lies that he told to the counselor. I can't continue to go and be lied to, it doesn't do anyone any good. * He still sees her once a month*.


wtf...

this is just not right.
cant family have at least some assistance in this.

I hope and wish you the best!


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

While I personally maintain that infidelity is a game ender, you are considering reconciliation. If so, I highly advise against sharing this ugly truth with family and friends. Though you may somehow find a way to forgive him, some of them likely never will. Some will even actively try to undermine your attempts at reconciliation.

My SIL made that mistake with her now ex-husband. She found him cheating and told all her friends and family what a scoundrel he was. Naturally, they all hated him after that. Of course she left out her cheating, but that's another story...

When she tried to reconcile with him, she just couldn't understand why her family was so cold and standoffish to him in general, with a few that were openly hostile. It got pretty ugly at times. He got the message and refused to attend family gatherings or to be home when someone visited. This caused much more stress in an already shaky situation. In truth, their dynamic was complicated and the relationship was fundamentally flawed so the divorce was probably inevitable. The family's cold shoulder sure did not help. 

You have to sort out your feelings for yourself. If you need a friend or two to lean on, that's understandable but I wouldn't go shouting what a creep your husband is from the rooftops. The people you tell can't un-hear what you said once you decide to forgive him.

I wish you luck and hope you make the right decision.


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## lexis (Feb 11, 2016)

heartbroken101 said:


> My state allows to file for adultery, but you have to prove intercourse, and even the attorney said that is rare.


He said he met with an escort 2 times for oral sex in the course of a month.[/QUOTE]

How convenient he only had oral sex, given that he's only subjected to financial penalty in a divorce if he had intercourse.




heartbroken101 said:


> once I actually believe he is being honest with me this time.


Because you want to, not because it makes any sense to do so.


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