# It was porn addiction and affairs (update from 2011)



## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

I posted about my husband's need to control our sex life and his low libido in 2011. Well, I found out in January of 2020 the cause of our poor sex life. My husband was having an affair that he claimed was only emotional. When I caught him it had been going on for a year. Of course he claimed that he never got physical with her but I have no way of verifying that. 

From that day until now I've found out more and more. The husband has been having these flings with women since before we got married. Per him this is something that he has always done. His reasons for his actions over the years have been: selfishness and opportunity. According to him there was never anything wrong me with me. He said he just lacks empathy and has never put me or the kids first. 

Next, the porn addiction. He said that he would constantly watch porn and masturbate. So he had nothing left for me. He never considered my needs at all. 

He went to individual counseling and we did marriage counseling for 2 months. For me the counseling was about getting to the why behind his behavior. For months after he was caught he would just apologize but never give a solid reason why and I really needed to know. 

At this point we are co-parenting and he's trying to get me to fall back in love with him but I'm not interested. I live here because I'm the primary breadwinner and pay the mortgage. In a few years our kids will be out of h.s and then I'll divorce him. 

Being lied to for 18 years has been the worst experience of my life. The emotional pain has been hell. 18+ months later and at times, 
I still cry, feel angry, and have episodes of depression. I'm probably going to start individual counseling and go on medication soon. Not a single day since the day I found out has passed without me thinking about it.

I know this isn't the case for every couple but sometimes that ll/deadbedroom is because they're getting their kicks elsewhere. I'm angry because I put myself thru a lot trying to improve our sex life. I also communicated my needs and feelings to him. He chose to gaslight me because he didn't want to stop having fun.

Everything isn't bad. Since this all happened I've made a lot of positive changes in my life. I started to take better care of myself. I put my foot down and demanded that he provide more financially. I've been on a few trips without him and I have more friends now. I've gotten into fitness and have new hobbies. My children and those things are what bring me joy. I'm indifferent to him now. When I'm having bad days it's due to the grief over years wasted.

Looking back we had problems from the start. At one point I was going to divorce him in 2007 but he convinced me that things would get better and I stayed. That's definitely something I have lived to regret. I was 32 and now I'm 46. That's a lot of good years wasted on a lying cheater. 

If you're in a bad marriage don't wait for years hoping for it to get better. If the other party refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem. If they refuse to communicate or compromise. If they refuse counseling. Make up your mind to take action before you waste years of your life like I have. 

I would have updated my original post but it's been so long I can't.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Ayla said:


> I posted about my husband's need to control our sex life and his low libido in 2011. Well, I found out in January of 2020 the cause of our poor sex life. My husband was having an affair that he claimed was only emotional. When I caught him it had been going on for a year. Of course he claimed that he never got physical with her but I have no way of verifying that.
> 
> From that day until now I've found out more and more. The husband has been having these flings with women since before we got married. Per him this is something that he has always done. His reasons for his actions over the years have been: selfishness and opportunity. According to him there was never anything wrong me with me. He said he just lacks empathy and has never put me or the kids first.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you found out so long after. I think that's part of the reason why I didn't ask questions, just divorced when I found out it was a PA. 

Good for you getting your life together! How old are the kids? Do you really want to wait until they're done with HS? Kids are adaptable, they can handle the truth. It might actually do them a disservice, thinking it's normal to put up with all you did for the sake of the children.

Thanks for letting us know how you're doing. I didn't know your story, but I needed to hear this today. I'm currently in the middle of putting my life back together after eerily similar issues and was wallowing a bit. Hope things continue to go well for you!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I stayed with a serial cheater for a very long time because he convinced me that he would change. Did I feel beyond stupid when I finally realized his promises were really just more lies? You better believe It. He fought the divorce. Your husband likely will as well. Why? Because being single isn’t what serial cheaters want — they want it all and they feel entitled to have it at our expense. Never again let your guard down with him. Never.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

mike93081 said:


> Honestly, why wait? Your kids are older and trust me, not stupid.
> 
> You honestly should march in there now and say I want you out by the time I wake up ... He sounds worthless and manipulator.


I agree with this poster. Why wait? Your kids are old enough to feel the tension and they will likely support this decision if it means having happy homes.

Stop waiting to live YOUR LIFE and control the controllable. You can’t turn back the clock and rewrite history but you can make different choices starting now. Why should he gets to keep his picture perfect life after the way he has behaved for years? I think it’s pretty common for men to go overboard with the porn, but the affairs (emphasis on the multiple component) go above and beyond disrespect. Porn is hurtful when you’re also be rejected but the other women make things so much worse. He simply doesn’t deserve you at this point.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don’t see how you can possibly spend another second with that low person who treated you as a tool for 18 years. Heartbreaking.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

if I was to give you advice it would be get a divorce now , don't wait 
you are a stronger woman now , you have been treated badly 
you have a lot of experience under your belt , next time you can pick better ,
you are only 46 going to fitness and looking after your self , 
most women that go through what you go through are beaten into the ground and 
stop looking after themselves, 

at 46 my wife started modeling it changed her life ,
so 46 is not old sorry you it went on so long 
happy you found out as I think most cheaters do not get found out
i think it is just the ones that make a mistake and the guys that are bad at hiding their cheating ways that get found out 
sometimes the other partner just is in the wrong place at the right time , but the professional cheaters don't get found out ,


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

time for some revenge sex!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Good news is, you’re only 46! 

I’m older than you and I have plenty of gas left in the tank.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Thanks for sharing. I think porn destroys men and marriage and nothing testifies to this truth more than a story like yours. I hope people will see porn for what it is- a lie.


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

Thanks for the kind words and advice. I'm ok with living like this for now. I come and go as I please. He is a good father and one of our children is autistic. So splitting now means he won't be around to do his share of the childcare. 

We don't have sex anymore and I have a male fwb. My husband is free to pursue who he wants but hasn't had much success. He had the nerve to tell me that he didn't have the connection he thought he had with the other woman. Also, that he wasn't the hot sh*t he thought he was. This along with saying things like: You're the best thing that ever happened to me killed the last bit of feeling I had for him. Basically, he wants things to work out because I take care of him and no one else really wants him like that. He has never mentioned love as a motivation.

Writing out the conclusion to that long ago post has been cathartic for me. If one person reads about what happened to me and makes better choices then I've done some good.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Does your husband know that you have a fwb?


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## meme4321 (Aug 9, 2021)

Interesting post. I'm at a place just like this and it helped me to see my journey more clearly. Thank you!


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Thank you for sharing your story. It does help those of us on the fence. I certainly do not want to waste the next 18 years of my life being tied to a porn addicted a** either. Who knows what else is being hidden?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I understand your decision to wait, but I think you're making a mistake.

Your autistic kid is always going to need care, so you gain nothing on that front. You two can work that out.

I was with my 19 years older, piece of **** ex from the ages of 31 through 44. It was never a great marriage....I was damaged...but towards the end I found out he'd been keeping an ex gf on the side the entire time. Lied, gaslighted, raged....all of it. Did not want a divorce, I suspect because it suited his image to be married to me and I made a lot more money. Admitted that he married me because he thought I was the best he was ever going to do and that a lot of things he'd done (like birthday flowers and sending me nice emails) weren't really him.

Everything about him was phony and I never meant to him what I thought I did. In my mind the entire 13 good years of my life were wasted.

But you know what? I divorced him and I'm so much happier that my only regret is not dumping him sooner. I have a lovely bf and do whatever I want. I'm now 47 and my life is great.

Admittedly my kids weren't his and our finances were separate so in that sense it was a clean split. At least as clean as a divorce can be. 

You can't get time back.

Think carefully about what you're actually going to gain from spending more years with this scumbag. It's clear you know you're his backup plan.


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## LonelyHopelessRomantic (12 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> I stayed with a serial cheater for a very long time because he convinced me that he would change. Did I feel beyond stupid when I finally realized his promises were really just more lies? You better believe It. He fought the divorce. Your husband likely will as well. Why? Because being single isn’t what serial cheaters want — they want it all and they feel entitled to have it at our expense. Never again let your guard down with him. Never.


thats one question that haunts me the most if he wants all of these ther woman and would rather watch prn than do anything with me why stay with me and pretend everythings great when in front of peple


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

LonelyHopelessRomantic said:


> thats one question that haunts me the most if he wants all of these ther woman and would rather watch prn than do anything with me why stay with me and pretend everythings great when in front of peple


Projecting (and protecting) the image.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

If they aren't having sex with you, they are having sex with someone else.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

LonelyHopelessRomantic said:


> thats one question that haunts me the most if he wants all of these ther woman and would rather watch prn than do anything with me why stay with me and pretend everythings great when in front of peple


He wanted to keep his "wife appliance".


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## LonelyHopelessRomantic (12 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> He wanted to keep his "wife appliance".


OMG WOW ive never heard of this term before but it is absolutely correct


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator Note:- *This is getting a little bit off topic. If you want to continue the debate please start a new thread. 

@Ayla how are you? How are things?


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