# Your first and only Love?



## bw36912 (Apr 11, 2017)

So its me again a month after my wife had an affair and left me for another man. 

So what has four weeks taught me? Am I moving on or caught up in the past and present? Do I still want to get back with my wife? 

My wife after the first couple weeks don't speak now. She is in the thrawls of her new relationship making his home everything she wants it to be. He's completely redone the yard and now going to put in flooring that matches my home. Whatever she wants he is happy to oblige. 

Right now I feel angry, hurt, betrayed, and worried about her kids, "2 of which" that chose to live with me. I am planning a divorce, but the kids think she will snap out of her reality. The only reality is that she is doing anything she wants to make her feel better about herself and ignoring everyone that said they love her. 

Am I caught up in my relationship with her. Yes so am, and doing everything I can to move on. I'm going out with friends, joined two gyms and lost 14lb in a month. I even have a date next Tuesday with a hot woman that puts my wife's looks to shame. None of this matters till I can learn to let go and embrace the facts of my life. 

Do I want to get back with my wife, I want to say no, and so pray that I will have moved on if she does try to come back. 

You do so much reflection when your emotions are raw. Discover and face character flaws you never looked at before. Ultimately I will be a better stronger person, I just have to make the hurdle.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What you are going through hurts. But some day you will look back on it and not feel the pain. Take it one day at a time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Been there. Honestly, you are doing awesome after such a short time compared to me.
The value of No contact can't be exaggerated. 

Reality: you will find someone more attractive than your wife, more loving, more trustworthy.
You'll wonder why is the hell you ever pined over that vile creature. 

You will no longer be affected emotionally by anything she says, does, or thinks. She will just be some stranger that affects you zero. You won't find her attractive anymore. That's when you know you're over her. Due to her character and misdeeds, she will very likely repulse you.

Advice: enjoy the dates with attractive women. Never let one get you in the position of being so imprtant that you aren't fine without them. Don't treat them like princesses. Expect them to treat you as good as you treat them. Be willing to walk away.
Take your time.

Good luck. I know your pain and how deeply it affects you.
I promise it will get better.
In 1 year you will wonder how it happened. How you got back to being yourself.
Her life will likely be a shambles, but whether it's good or bad, you won't care.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Two of HER kids are still living with you?


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## bw36912 (Apr 11, 2017)

Yes, they don't want to live with her because of what she did. I left for a business trip and while I was gone she moved out. She then surprised the kids with her affair and told them they could move in with her and her new boyfriend or somewhere else. They are triplets and all three where going to stay with me. She started crying and one left with her. 

Now the kids that have never been apart their whole lives are broken up . I see her about once a week while the other two stay with me. They are 16, turning 17 this summer. 

They have all shared their feelings with the wife but she ignores how they feel. Its all about her happiness and this new relationship. She believes that this new guy will give her everything I didnt in our relationship. What did I do but provide a home, work my ads off and try to be their for the family every free moment I had.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

bw36912 said:


> My wife after the first couple weeks don't speak now. She is in the thrawls of her new relationship making his home everything she wants it to be. He's completely redone the yard and now going to put in flooring that matches my home. Whatever she wants he is happy to oblige.


So the OM is buying the princess. That soon stops when the credit cards are maxed. 

Sorry this happened man. Sucks.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

You are doing well and what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Try to detach from her as much as possible. See her for who she truly is. Enjoy your date, but don't jump into a relationship too soon. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

The fact that her kids chose to live with you says a LOT about you and your character. They're old enough to see what's going on here, and it's sad that she still can't see what she's doing is wrong, even with the fact that her kids chose you. That would shock most mothers enough that they would wake up from their fog.

I think you're doing great, keep it up. And I agree with Evinrude's post x1000. Keep focusing on yourself, and your post-divorce life will be better than your married life; you'll find someone who really appreciates you.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

bw36912 said:


> So its me again a month after my wife had an affair and left me for another man.
> 
> So what has four weeks taught me? Am I moving on or caught up in the past and present? Do I still want to get back with my wife?


At four weeks, you might actually be in the most difficult period. The initial shock is wearing off, but the hopelessness that replaces it is often worse. Hang in there. I hope you're ready for a date. I wouldn't have been at my previous four-week mark.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

bw36912 said:


> So its me again a month after my wife had an affair and left me for another man.
> 
> So what has four weeks taught me? Am I moving on or caught up in the past and present? Do I still want to get back with my wife?
> 
> ...


Man.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/377801-so-many-men-so.html


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## bw36912 (Apr 11, 2017)

The pain of a relationship doesn't end just because you decide to move on. My wife decided to try blackmailing me to get me to take the jeep back we do signed on for her. 

The deal was I pay for the jeep and the divorce and she would go after anything we had together in the marriage. It seemed like a fair deal except her kids that live with me wanted me to have guardinship so that I can make medical and scho decisions for them. 

When I presented this to the wife she goes off on the deep end then gets the boyfriend involved who tells me they are not my kids and I shouldn't have any rights to their welfare. Excuse me but 2 of them live with me, I support them and until the divorce carry insurance for the entire family. 

I have a choice now follow through with the divorce per her terms or take it to court.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*At her kids age, unless she can soundly prove to the satisfaction of the court that you're an unfit father and are abusing them in some way, she doesn't really have a snowball's chance in hell at forcing you to relinquish custody of them!*


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## bw36912 (Apr 11, 2017)

How do you get threw a divorce when kids are involved. Regardless of what my wife and her boyfriend think, the kids are always going to be in my life. Right now all my wife wants to do is blame be, and turn anything I say into confrontation. 

This is causing a great deal of stress on me and making it difficult to move on with my life. I'm worried about the kids after the divorce, and how we all are going to coexist together. This woman betrayed my trust and love, my best friend that I confided everything to now lies to me and tries to manipulate me. 

I am a strong person I have had enough of doing things her way. I am paying for the divorce so I will put in it what I want. If she wants to dispute it then so be it, we both can be indebted to our lawyers.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

bw36912 said:


> He's completely redone the yard and now going to put in flooring that matches my home. Whatever she wants he is happy to oblige.


I can only assume *ONE* thing about a guy who is desperate enough to want to be with a lying cheater and the kids she dragged in with her (but is also capable of ditching her _other_ kids that she couldn't drag with her), and whose desperate enough to blow through all his savings to kiss her ass and give her everything she wants.

Only one kind of guy would go to these extremes to hold onto ANY woman he's managed to get in his clutches.

And it would be guy who must look like this:


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

From my experience, watching this "s**t-show from behind my desk for some 40 years, is that the pain is transitory. You will gain a new appreciation for what is inside you, while learning that the pedestal that you put your wife on, is really a pile of dog turds, and you will slowly begin to view her as being very much part of that dog-pile. Eventually, you will realize that she is either suffering from a form of mental illness, or that she was such an evil actress, that this was inside her all along, and you failed to recognize it in time.

Your kids already have a fairly good understanding that their mother is not a nice person. She will come to regret what she has done to her children. The relationship with the AP is new, but she is still a mother, and when the fog dissipates, she will realize that what she carried for nine months now does not see her as their mother, but as a seriously flawed, and not very likeable person. I have seen that realization blow worlds apart. I have seen men and women have affairs, realize that the most precious love in the world has now seen them for what they are, and has turned on them. Then the affairs blow up, or people commit themselves to psych wards. I have seen spouses crawl back after months, only to be told that they blew their chance and they are now just corollary to their children's lives. You want devastation? Try seeing a mother or father drop out of the affair fog, and are told by their children that they are no longer considered a parent, merely an acquaintance. And yes, I have seen this translate into a court proceeding, where the offending spouse attempted to take the primary care spouse back to court, only to have the children and their psychologist testify against them.


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## bw36912 (Apr 11, 2017)

That's just it I'm not trying to hurt the kids relationship with their mom. I encourage them to see her but she isn't trying very hard to spend any quality time with them when they visit. 

Right now all of her free time is wrapped up in the OM. I hope see will eventually see what she is doing. 

The oldest daughter from her first marriage won't speak to either of us right now because this brought back memories from what my wife did to her dad. So I have grandkids I can't see and a step daughter that wants nothing to do with this turmoil.


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## bw36912 (Apr 11, 2017)

One thing I can't understand is why my soon to be ex-wife is treating me like I'm a villain. I know that is in defense of her actions in the affair and now the poor relationship with her kids. 

What I don't understand is how can anger help you cope with who you are. I went through a lot of suffering and still am, but I realize that it is only making me a stronger person and has already started to change my life. 

When you are the one that betrays a relationship is there ever a time when you accept what you did truely learn from your mistakes? I want my ex to grow up and take responsibility but that seems unlikely.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bw36912 said:


> One thing I can't understand is why my soon to be ex-wife is treating me like I'm a villain. I know that is in defense of her actions in the affair and now the poor relationship with her kids.
> 
> What I don't understand is how can anger help you cope with who you are. I went through a lot of suffering and still am, but I realize that it is only making me a stronger person and has already started to change my life.
> 
> When you are the one that betrays a relationship is there ever a time when you accept what you did truely learn from your mistakes? I want my ex to grow up and take responsibility but that seems unlikely.


Don't try to understand how a broken person things. Your wife is not a complete and healthy emotional person. You will never understand her. Just enjoy your kids and go on with your life. The more time spend wasted on her the less time to spend moving on to happier things.


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## rsexton (Jul 27, 2016)

Talk to a lawyer about your rights.. And some extremely important advice is to record ALL conversations with your ex and her man as this will help you against blackmail, threats etc. Dont let them know it. You can use tour cell phone for this as well. Pictures of this, videos, save everything. This sounds like its going to get ugly. 

You seem like a nice guy that they may try to run all over but you need to protect yourself. Know your rights in this. 

In NC you can sue the other man for breaking up the family. Im not sure of the exact name of the case is but when my dads wife left him his lawyer asked if he wanted to pursue it. We didnt even known it existed. 

Good luck 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Get a legal adoption of the kids agreed asap. Get your Jeep back. And since she is now living with the POSOM, there is no alimony. If the kids are with you, there is no child support.

Protect yourself and dump her sorry a$$ asap. If the POSOM gets involved tell him that at the moment he is nothing at all to the family other than a POS - so butt out.


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