# It's Over...Ready to Move On



## Pollux95630 (Oct 12, 2010)

Well, it is over. I have to sound off in here because its nice to have a different perspective of the situation. We were married in 2005, and at that time she had an excellent job she had been at for 12 years and was making close to six figure income. Shortly after getting married, she began having a lot of issues with a manager at her job, and ended up quitting. Since then she has been trying to pursue a career in acting and commercials which has always been her dream. She would constantly cry about how she didn’t want another boring 9 to 5 job that she didn’t really enjoy and wanted to pursue her dreams. Me having a steady job with decent pay, agreed to allow her to chase her dreams and work part-time here and there to augment our income. This was 3 years ago. During this timeframe she is constantly up and then down. She had anxiety and depression issues in the past which she was diagnosed by one doctor as being bi-polar, while another said it wasn’t. Either way, she clearly has issues with extreme mood swings. She would be happy one day, bubbly and cheery, the next she would be acting angry and unhappy that her life is so unfulfilling, and she wants more out of life, etc., etc. This was hard on me because as her husband, I do not like to see her unhappy. So whenever I would see her upset or distraught, I would always try to find out what she was upset about and make her feel better. However, as I began digging at her to find out what she was upset about, 70% of the time she would say that she was just plain unhappy with our marriage, that she doubted how much we had in common, that she feels like she is being held back from obtaining her dreams, that I do not do enough things for her. This would blow me away as I go above and beyond to do things for her and try to make her happy. So whenever she would say these things, I would get pretty upset and ask why she wants to continue to be married to me if she is so unhappy and feels like I am holding her back. Then she would accuse me of always threatening her with divorce. But when you significant other constantly tells you that you are part of the source of her unhappiness, that I am holding her back, what else am I supposed to think? So we kept going on together, even though this issue would come up about once every couple of months. 

She is extremely into fashion, clothes, shoes, etc. She loves to go dancing at clubs, but her favorite club to go to is a gay bar. She has several gay friends. She would constantly make half joking comments that she wished her husband could have all the fashion sense and enjoy dancing like a gay man. She is extremely vain, and is always either putting herself down that she isn’t the correct weight, or then telling me I am unattractive to her because I gained 10-15 pounds since being married. When I would ask her where I am failing as a husband, she would explain that she wants someone who will spontaneously take her out dancing, but at the gay bar because that’s where she wants to go. I had taken her several times, and while I support gay movement, being in a club with drag queens and other gay men who are openly displaying their affection in very R-rated manner just wasn’t my cup of tea. So this became a major point of her complaints and unhappiness. That I don’t take her out to the gay bar to go dancing, therefore I don’t make her happy. Her other pet peve is she says that she feels like I don’t listen to her. When I asked for an example, she points to what I consider very insignificant instances where she asked me to pick up my bath mat off the floor after showering, or asked me to start putting something away in a certain place. Sometimes, the first couple of times, I simply forgot to do it. When I did forget something like this, she would call me up at work screaming at me, threatening to punch me in the face if I did it again, just going completely over the top with it. If I tried to stay calm and say I was sorry, she wouldn’t accept it and would keep on telling me that I purposely refused her request on purpose, and at times would turn it into me being a liar because I told her I wouldn’t do it again, but then I did, so I had lied to her on purpose. Just this last weekend, we went out to dinner and while parking, she mentioned that I should read the street sign more closely because she though it may have said no parking during certain hours. I mentioned that there were other cars parked so it should be okay. When we got done, I had a $50 parking ticket. Instantly she blew her lid and again accused me of lying to her because I said I would read the sign but didn’t, and that it wasn’t a mistake I had made but had done it on purpose solely to defy her request. This coming from the person who months earlier, ran a red light and got a red light ticket which cost $480. However when I got the slightest bit critical at that time about her getting the ticket, she got extremely defensive, started crying about how I was getting all over her case for it and what an a-hole I am to her. When I brought up this instance over the parking ticket argument, and said that I had made a mistake, just like she had made a mistake running the red light, and it wasn’t anything worth getting so upset about, she stated they were two totally different instances as I wasn’t there to tell her she was about to run a red light, whereas she was there to tell me to read the parking sign, and I didn’t. 

I have bent over backwards to do things for her. Whenever she has an issue with anything, like her printer not working on the computer, or not being able to find her wallet, or can’t find some important paperwork, I was always accused immediately of either moving it from where she had it, or doing something to have caused her issue. She would call me at work constantly with these issues, and a lot of the time I would leave work and drive home just to help her look for her wallet, fix the computer, etc. Whenever she didn’t feel well, I did everything I could to cater to her and make her feel better by getting her medicine, juice, etc. However I injured my back several years ago and have two crushed discs. It causes a lot of pain and discomfort, however I get little to no sympathy from her. Our bed was a major source of my back pain, but she refused to even discuss getting a new bed because it was only 5-6 years old and is just fine for her. 

Last night during our argument which eventually led to the realization that it is truly over, she again restated that she is literally miserable every day being married to me, and has even mentioned it to her parents who have told her that she should get straightened out because I am a very good husband to her. All her friends love me, and constantly tell her what a great guy I am to her.

Of course, I do have my faults. I have a hard time managing money which has been an issue, however I have never sunk us into debt nor do I run around maxing out credit cards, so it’s not that big of an issue in my book and with her help, I have significantly improved my ways. In fact in the last year or two I have tried to do everything to improve my image in her eyes, and have refrained from spending money on buying anything for myself, yet I continue to allow her to buy the things she wants. Even then, she continually states that I have done nothing to change my ways and that I will never change. She views everything I do as an alterior motive for myself, and not for her. I am the breadwinner, I work extremely hard at my job, lots of overtime hours, and even received a nice holiday bonus last year, yet I had not asked to, or wanted to purchase anything with it because I wanted to show her that I am trying to do what makes her happy. A couple of weeks ago, a part in my computer was making some strange noises a couple of weeks ago, so I replaced it before it failed. Instantly to her, I bought something I didn’t need and only did so for my benefit. She view nearly everything I do as some secret plan to benefit myself, and to sneak something behind her back. In fact, anything that I personally enjoy as a hobby or non-work activity, she hates. Anything that interests me that I want to purchase for myself is disregarded by her as stupid, unnecessary, and a waste of our money. Yet, I allow her to purchase her fashion clothes, shoes, etc., etc. because that is what she enjoys. If something I enjoy or do becomes the source of an argument, she instantly has a massive grudge towards that subject to the point that if it is brought up, she gets upset and goes on a rant about it, at times telling me I am not allowed to have an interest in that hobby or subject anymore. In fact a hobby I have had since being a young adult has been racing radio control cars. She hated it so much that whenever I tried to go to a race, she would call me constantly and ask when I was going to be home to the point I usually ended up leaving early and going home to her. I actually gave up this hobby altogether because it was the source of so much fighting and hoped it would show her that I truly am doing what I can to make the things she doesn’t like about me right. Still she says I have done nothing, and that I am still a sneaky liar who she can’t trust. Yet her interest in fashion, drag queens, etc. I always supported and if she wanted to go to an event along those subjects, I would go with her or tell her she could go with her friends and enjoy herself. When I tried to explain that I don’t restrict her on doing the things she enjoys that I don’t have much interest in, and that my interests are the same, she discounts my hobby as childish and stupid and wants no part of it, and that her interest is not a hobby, but really art, and her pursuit of her dream to be in show business. Which another recent complaint of hers was that she hates where we live and wants to move to LA to pursue her career in acting. She wants me to quit my very stable job I have and relocate to help her pursue her dream. When I have doubts about it, she accuses me of having no passion, no real dreams or goals in life. 

As I told her last night, I am truly done this time. I’m not willing to fight for it anymore, because it has become clear to me that no matter what I do, she will be unhappy. In fact I am not sure that she will ever be able to find happiness in her life. Everything that makes her unhappy she blames on others. 

Sorry, long post, but had to vent a little, and get some perspective on things. She has literally beaten my self-esteem into nothing. It is definitely going to take some time to rebuild. I don't do well handling situations like this and dealing with emotions. I stress out and can't sleep and have trouble focusing on anything other than it. She again is the opposite. We fight and decide to divorce, I go in and start looking up divorce advice and my next step, she sits down and watches her favorite tv shows like nothing happened.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>This was hard on me because as her husband, I do not like to see her unhappy<<

Red Flag #1


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Pollux

Go see a lawyer. Explore divorce.

Do not tell your wife you are doing this.

Look at the big picture. 

I bet it does not include living in LA, you being the sole provider while your wife runs around with her "friends" shopping and partying.

She just wants you to pay for the move and finance her career on a different coast.

Get ready to "Let Her Go"....


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Pollux95630 said:


> her pursuit of her dream to be in show business. Which another recent complaint of hers was that she hates where we live and wants to move to LA to pursue her career in acting. She wants me to quit my very stable job I have and relocate to help her pursue her dream. When I have doubts about it, she accuses me of having no passion, no real dreams or goals in life.


Along with half a million other people...Please research house prices in LA on themls.com for a reality check there plus add $25K a year for private schools per child if you have kids...


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Pollux95630 said:


> as I began digging at her to find out what she was upset about, 70% of the time she would say that she was just plain unhappy with our marriage, that she doubted how much we had in common, that she feels like she is being held back from obtaining her dreams, that I do not do enough things for her.
> 
> telling me I am unattractive to her
> 
> Last night during our argument which eventually led to the realization that it is truly over, she again restated that she is literally miserable every day being married to me


I'd believe her, and give her what she wants.

She sounds like a mess, which may well mean a messy divorce. You can handle it, but you'd be wise to sit down with a lawyer, without her knwledge, and preparing thoroughly.

You're going to be tempted to continue to do things for her and fix her messes. I wouldn't.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

It sounds like she could really benefit from medication, Pollux. 

LA sounds like a horrible idea. She will probably wind up cheating on you and leaving you with much less than what you arrived with.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

This all sounds very similar to my WAW's "you never made me happy" story.

Funny thing is that she is getting everything she wanted - she's initiated the divorce that is going through, she has a new (or not so new) boyfriend - and yet she is the most miserable person in the house right now. More miserable than me and the kids, the people she has inflicted all of this on.


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## Pollux95630 (Oct 12, 2010)

Thanks all, and agreed. I have already called and scheduled a consultation with a divorce lawyer. This afternoon, she send me an email saying "I know you hate me now, but one of our favorite bands is playing a one show only in LA in July"

Here is what I sent back:

"I don’t hate you, I’m just exhausted by everything. I’ve tired of hearing that your miserable, that your being held back by me or otherwise, that your so bored in this marriage that you’ve considered leaving, and you can’t stand me. That I am unattractive, that I’m awkward when were intimate, all the things that you never want to hear from your significant other. It has all just pushed me further and further away until I’ve hit the breaking point I’m at now. You need to put yourself in my shoes. What if I was the type of husband who said those types of things to you? I know you would not put up with it, but I have for years now in hopes that things will eventually get better, and you will begin treating me like you did when we first got together. It is so far from that now, even others have noticed and mentioned how cold you appear to be towards me at times. I don’t feel loved at all, but rather despised and hated. You are who you are, and I am who I am. I have done things I shouldn’t have which you will never be able to let go of, and now for me, you have expressed your true feelings to me enough on the subject that I will never be able to get past them. You are right and we are just simply too different and want different things out of life. Yes, you do lots of stuff for me, and in consideration of me, but you do not understand or appreciate how much I really do for you. I have supported you and your dream where others may not have, I have worked my butt off and taken overtime whenever I could to bring in extra money for us. I have dropped everything here at work, even when busy, to rush to you when you are in need of help with something. I think besides my faults, I have been a pretty damn good husband, and a very patient one at that. 

I do truly only want you to be happy. And I believe now the only way this will happen is for you to go out on your own, and to do what you really want to do. You are so creative, artistic, and outgoing, I have no doubt you will find success in obtaining your dream. I just can’t be the speed bump on your path to success any longer if this is how it is going to be. 

Sorry, but a concert is the very last thing on my mind at the moment."

Thank goodness we have no kids together. I have a feeling she is going to realize what she is losing and try to hold on for dear life. I am however completely done with her. Will be giving her 30 days or so to find another place to go. I will be staying in our rental house as I am the only one paying the rent anyways.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Pollux95630 said:


> Thanks all, and agreed. I have already called and scheduled a consultation with a divorce lawyer. This afternoon, she send me an email saying "I know you hate me now, but one of our favorite bands is playing a one show only in LA in July"
> 
> Here is what I sent back:
> 
> ...


Pollux,

Talking way too much.

An Overview of the Drama Triangle

Talk less - do more.

She won't let you have the Victim Chair. It's no use angling for it.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Conrad beat me to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pollux95630 (Oct 12, 2010)

You are right. Never heard of the drama triangle before, but I have now. Thank you. 

So when I get home this evening, she has dinner made, the house all cleaned, and bending over backwards to try and cater to me. I asked if she read the email, she said yes. Then she even went on Facebook and made some post about this concert in LA and how she wishes her significant other would surprise her with a ticket. It kind of pisses me off that this is what she is thinking about after last night. But I am just doing my best to limit interaction and avoiding any further conversation about it for the moment. Being that she read my message, either she is resolved that we are to peacefully end this journey, or she is trying to pry her way back into my good graces. As someone else advised me today, do not give in, it will only happen again. Any attempt at this point is simply a waste of my time. We are who we are and you can't ask for or expect that much change in a person. 

It just couldn't come at a worse time. I'm fighting chronic pain from my discs in my back, my job is beyond stressful and demanding at the moment, and my mother has been fighting oral cancer and just learned she has to have surgery on Monday to have teeth pulled in preparation for radiation therapy and to possibly have part of her tongue removed. When it rains it pours.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Pollux95630 said:


> You are right. Never heard of the drama triangle before, but I have now. Thank you.
> 
> So when I get home this evening, she has dinner made, the house all cleaned, and bending over backwards to try and cater to me. I asked if she read the email, she said yes. Then she even went on Facebook and made some post about this concert in LA and how she wishes her significant other would surprise her with a ticket. It kind of pisses me off that this is what she is thinking about after last night. But I am just doing my best to limit interaction and avoiding any further conversation about it for the moment. Being that she read my message, either she is resolved that we are to peacefully end this journey, or she is trying to pry her way back into my good graces. As someone else advised me today, do not give in, it will only happen again. Any attempt at this point is simply a waste of my time. We are who we are and you can't ask for or expect that much change in a person.
> 
> It just couldn't come at a worse time. I'm fighting chronic pain from my discs in my back, my job is beyond stressful and demanding at the moment, and my mother has been fighting oral cancer and just learned she has to have surgery on Monday to have teeth pulled in preparation for radiation therapy and to possibly have part of her tongue removed. When it rains it pours.


Are you in therapy?


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## Pollux95630 (Oct 12, 2010)

I have spoken with behavioural health at my healthcare provider several times before, and requested today to get an appointment with them asap, but still haven't heard back. Frankly my doc there sort of blows off my issues as common everyday stuff I could take care of with a little breathing and mind control. If I don't hear back from him tomorrow, I am going to request a new therapist. We tried three sessions of marriage counseling, couldn't afford any more than that at $150 a session. I just finished chronic pain therapy program which covered lots of various topics including a little cognitive behavioral therapy, Qi Jong, meditation, etc. 

After a few words it is clear she is on board for splitting up, and we are choosing to be civil to one another. Still, it feels awkward and am considering finding someplace else to stay until she finds a place to go. Our dogs though, or as she says, her dogs. We've had them since puppies, and I am just attached to them as she is. But she would seriously lose it if she couldn't have them. So what makes me most sad is that I will have to say goodbye to them. In fact it is the only part about this that brings me to tears. Again, thank god we never had kids.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Why should you go anywhere?


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## Pollux95630 (Oct 12, 2010)

Your right, I need to stand my ground and stay. No need to go elsewhere. I don’t deal well with emotional or tense situations and my body senses the negativity and then I have trouble sleeping, eating, etc. Which that is a whole other can of worms. Sleeping, nightmares, and night terrors. I’ve always had a lot of nightmares and sleep paralysis from when I was a kid, all the way up to now (will be 40 this year). In the last year they have gotten extremely bad, where within 5-10 minutes of falling asleep, I start having vivid nightmares which I end up crying out for help and she has to shake me to wake me up. Sometimes it happens every night. Another thing for the therapist. But I have a strong feeling that our strained relationship and other stressful factors could very well be the cause of these nightmares.

Anyways, we were civil last night. Even had a mutual friend call who needed a ride somewhere, she says before I left to go get him that I could tell them about our splitting up if I wanted. I did tell him as I wanted his opinion on the situation, but still asked him to keep it on the down low for the time being. His thoughts were pretty much where mine are. That she has been disrespectful, and verbally abusive and he would not put up with that either. He also said he has wondered at times why I let her get away with so much and continue to support her habits when she has been 3 years now without a job. 

Again this morning, moments of clarity while driving to work where I can actually think ahead to when this will be over and what a giant weight will be lifted off my shoulders. I’m thinking about not having to support her any longer, and being able to focus on myself and my well being rather than worrying about if I’m coming home to Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde every night. Thinking about buying a house now, as we had been renting because the house she bought a year before getting married was foreclosed on because she quit her six figure income job. Thinking about being able to enjoy the things I like to do again and my hobbies. Peace is coming.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

This is also a really good chance to work on setting boundaries with her - for your own empowerment.

If you need a tutorial, start with post #1 of Zillard's or post #1 of ReGroup's thread and read all the way to the end.

You're living with - yet another - version of their wives.


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## Pollux95630 (Oct 12, 2010)

So I just got a response email from her based off the email I sent yesterday where she replied to basically every sentence in my email, arguing every point or counteracting. Since I just learned about the Drama Triangle last night, this clearly falls into that category. However in reading how to diffuse the Drama Triangle, it is clear that these methods won't work because she continues to be verbally abusive no matter what my response. If I say yes, dear, you are right about that, maybe I should have done X or X, I only continue to get bombarded with hurtful words and insensitive statements.

I am just going to tell her that it is over and I don't want to speak anything more about it until cooler heads are ready to discuss.


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## reubsky (Mar 21, 2013)

you can move on without her coz ur a strong man


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

It's too much talk. Don't explain, don't apologize. These things sap our strength. 

Saying "it's over" may be too strong a statement at this point. Just say you don't wish to talk at this time. It's not productive.


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## reubsky (Mar 21, 2013)

if you really want this over then so be it, you need to think about yourself also


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## Pollux95630 (Oct 12, 2010)

After typing a response to her, I then decided not to send it, and just let it be. All I'm going to tell her tonight when I get home is that I wish to separate for a while to get a break from one another and then we can see what happens from there. Other than that, I have no energy to discuss it. If she wants to keep attacking me at that point, I am just going to leave the room, if she still won't let up, I will simply go somewhere else for the night and then return tomorrow.

In my message yesterday I asked her that if I spoke to her the way she spoke to me, should would not take it. Her response was that I was right, she would not take it because she would have changed to correct the issue that caused someone to respond that way in the first place. This is her way of saying that her verbal abuse is warranted and acceptable. To me, it is not. My foot is down, I will not simply allow her to speak to me that way ever again.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Pollux95630 said:


> After typing a response to her, I then decided not to send it, and just let it be. All I'm going to tell her tonight when I get home is that I wish to separate for a while to get a break from one another and then we can see what happens from there. Other than that, I have no energy to discuss it. If she wants to keep attacking me at that point, I am just going to leave the room, if she still won't let up, I will simply go somewhere else for the night and then return tomorrow.
> 
> In my message yesterday I asked her that if I spoke to her the way she spoke to me, should would not take it. Her response was that I was right, she would not take it because she would have changed to correct the issue that caused someone to respond that way in the first place. This is her way of saying that her verbal abuse is warranted and acceptable. To me, it is not. My foot is down, I will not simply allow her to speak to me that way ever again.


No, that is her way of blameshifting her unacceptable behavior on you.


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## reubsky (Mar 21, 2013)

ease yourself not to think about her right now


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## Pollux95630 (Oct 12, 2010)

I have to give a huge thanks again Conrad for point me to the drama triangle and other links to advice. I went home last night, and approached things like I never have before. I refused to play the role in the drama triangle, and refused to talk or argue about the little intricacies of the situation. I flatly and plainly said exactly how I feel, that she has been abusive in the way she speaks to me and the things she says. Regardless of anything I may have done to anger her, or her to anger me, no situation warrants someone to speak to another person like that. 

She somewhat broke at that point which is something I've never seen her do before. She began crying, and apologizing for a lot of her actions. She has been going through menopause, which I know has been rough on her. When she told me that her emotions have been all over the place and she feels like she is having mid-life crysis lately because of it, I told her I'm sorry she is having a tough time with it, but still is no excuse for her actions. I that I've hit a point that I will no longer tolerate it, and that I am ready to separate. This is when she opened up fully which I've never seen her do before. She begged that we try marriage counseling again. I said it goes beyond that, and she needs personal counseling for herself and anger management. She asked if I would give her one more chance if she started seeing a therapist and get counseling for herself, and then marriage counseling for us together. I continued to stand my ground and that I had doubts things will ever change, and that I still want to separate for a while. This is when tearfully she asked if I was really going to leave her and not even give her a chance. 

The divorce lawyer I spoke to for an initial consultation asked about if we have tried counseling and recommended that if things got messy if we chose to divorce, it's best to show that I have exhausted all available options before choosing to split. So based on this, I have decided to give her one chance to fix things on the conditions that she starts seeing a therapist for anger management and that we attend marriage counseling together. Half of me felt like I was caving in to her, but the other half of me said I do at least owe it to the relationship to try getting some real outside help for our situation. Plus as I said, I have never seen her open up like she did when she truly realized that I was dead serious about ending it. 

I'm not fully optimistic that this will change anything, but I can at least say that I tried. We tried marriage counseling once before through my EAP at work which only provided 3 sessions until the price went up to $150 a session. This time we will be taking advantage of counseling programs covered under my health insurance through Kaiser. 

This morning she woke up, called and made her first appointment. She also called her part-time job and asked them if they could give her more work hours. Then she is planning to go to a friend's house out of town for the weekend just to give ourselves a couple of days apart. We will see how it goes.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Great job!

Now that you've talked and laid it out there, it's time to talk less and observe more.

This isn't a report card on her. It's about boundary enforcement by you.

A simple, "I'm not ok with this" when she starts pushing boundaries is a powerful weapon.

Her reaction to that sort of statement will tell you where her heart truly lies. Sounds like it's also time to go deep inside yourself and decide what you really want.

Keep in mind, she did nothing to you that didn't permit.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

I've heard good things about Athol Kay's MMSL primer - it's kind of a guide to married life for men. 

It's available on Amazon/Kindle as well.


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