# i need someone to talk to, help and advice.



## plodder (Apr 5, 2013)

I am new to this and I am looking for some advice on my situation and what to do, please be gentle with me as I have nothing left in my life at the moment, so here is my story.
I have been married for 11 years in May, this year, I have three beautiful children, aged 5, 6 & 9, I love my wife dearly and 8 weeks ago, my wife dealt me a massive blow…, she wanted a divorce, she didn’t love me anymore, and I was absolutely devastated, the following week, I did all I could to reconcile but nothing, culminating in her telling me she would be gone out of the door some day and take our children with her, I couldn’t cope with what I was hearing, and I felt as if I would never see my children again, it got to the point of no return for me and I did what I will regret for the rest of my life, I hung myself at home the following morning and had to be airlifted to hospital and spent a further 6 days in a mental institution, (as my wife didn’t want me home).
I am still recovering, I have seen my children a few times, but my wife went to the police stating that I was a threat to her and the children, and when I found out I was devastated, from there 4 weeks ago I went to court, and had to have a restriction order placed on me as my wife filed for this from advice from a neighbour I presume.
I was in a place I would never have thought I would ever be…., my wife and my children are my world, and I have never been unfaithful, but I have took my wife for granted like I guess anyone would, but for me I have learned the hard way.
So in the past 7 weeks I have lost my marriage, my children, my business, have personal guarantees calling for their money, and I just don’t know where to turn.
My wife is being really nasty to me and I can’t explain why, I have done a lot of soul searching and I have so much to tell you I just don’t want to bore you with a 10000 word letter!!
My life is upside down, I have begged and pleaded with my wife, she is not listening, she wants me out of her life, and now she wanted me out of my children’s lives.
Bear in mind, I am a strong willed individual, successful in his own business, whom dotes on his wife and kids.
All I have ever done is worked hard and provided for my family; we have a fantastic house, villa abroad, nice cars, great lifestyle, live in the country, but look where it’s got me….
I am now living in a one bedroom bedsit, my wife has took all the money from accounts, sold a house I had in my sole name, I signed a form the week before I did what I did, as she said it’s for capital gains tax saving, when actually I was signing the house over to joint names, the house sold and she took ¾ of it and left me with 20k, I placed this in my business as it was struggling, and now it’s gone, my family have gone, and I am alone in a crappy bedsit.
No money, no contact with people and just can’t seem to pull myself together, I am trying desperately to get back, but it makes things worse.
I am 42 years old, I would say I am not bad looking, I am successful, but not it looks like in the one thing I ever wanted and that was my wife and children, I miss them dearly.
I have my faults, I work hard and I am away a lot, but we have a large overhead and I need to bring home the money, I have never harmed my wife and children in any way, and the book no more Mr nice guy, is half true about me!!
I want to do the 180, the no contact thing, but…., I need to see my kids, 4 hours a week, but my wife has to supervise them, so I can’t do the no contact!!
Please can I get offered some advice on what I should do?!?! My children are everything to me, and I feel like the knot in my stomach is getting bigger.
My health is suffering badly, has gone from being 105 kg, down to 68kg, and people whom know me are shocked to see me this way.
I struggle to sleep, as all I see is my children upset with what my wife has done to our family unit, we had the perfect family, but I was wrong, my wife didn’t see it that way, and she seems not bothered about the effect on our children, and I am powerless as I tried to kill myself, my wife reminds me every day about this when I tell her to stop being like she is, and think of the children….
I don’t blame my wife, but I do the way she did it, I don’t think anyone else is involved, but the way things have been pre meditated it is making me think….
I just wish I could turn back the clock, I can’t and I need some advice on what to do to get back with my family, but I have a monkey on my back with what I did, as I couldn’t deal with the shock of what my wife told me. I love her dearly, even though she is still being hard and nasty towards me, I still want to try to get my unit together….
Thanks for reading my post.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Whatever you did or did not do if what your saying is accurate is nowhere near vicious and premeditated as what this woman has done to you.
There is another man in this equation....has to be. Somebody had to have coached her on how to basically destroy you. 
You need to get mental health help...more help than you can get on here. Sorry man but good luck.
PS don't every try and hurt yourself again!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you talked to a lawyer to try to protect yourself and your interests? Seems like she's taking advantage of you in all sorts of ways.

C


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Sorry you are going through all this, Plodder. Are you in counselling? I agree with PBear, you need a lawyer.

Good luck. Do keep coming back here and let us support you as best we can.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Plodder, i don't know what is going on with your wife, but in my view that is your secondary worry. i know that is not what you want to hear. But you are telling us she has defrauded you of a significant sum and is trying to turn your kids against you. So right now, you need to protect your financial interests and access to your kids first.

If there is a future with your wife, it is not a quick fix.

It is a very common story. A wife who is growing more and more unhappy until she leaves the marriage, and the man never saw it coming. I see it in many of the stories here. There was an element if it in my own wife's affair.

Doesn't mean you should give up on her if you love her. But neither should you let her use your love and trust against you again.

So sorry you are here. Be strong. Your kids need you to do that.
The money is just money. You can rebuild that.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Re-reading your story, I’m a bit confused. You said that you had to go to court and had a restriction order placed on you. I assume that means you are to stay away from your wife. Yet, you say that she has to supervise your visits with your children. How does that work in terms of the restriction order? I am surprised that she is the one supervising instead of a court-appointed third person.

Anyway, I agree with Wazza. You need to protect yourself. Talk to a lawyer.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You mentioned you where successful in business but yet your wife took you to the cleaners, you sound like a go getter but you tried to hang your self.....lots of contradictions here.....

So my I suggest you stop living your life for your wife and stop letting her define you........it appears she is only bring out the worst in you!

A good sign that its time to let her go and focus on you children...who deserve an emotional healthy father.

It will take work but until you stop this pity party and stop letting your chick define you as an individual your going to suffer.


Please just let your wife go so you can be the man you once were before she ripped you apart!


Its not what knocks us down that matters, it how we get back up that counts!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

the guy said:


> You mentioned you where successful in business but yet your wife took you to the cleaners, you sound like a go getter but you tried to hang your self.....lots of contradictions here.....
> 
> So my I suggest you stop living your life for your wife and stop letting her define you........it appears she is only bring out the worst in you!
> 
> ...


A go-getter, as well as someone successful in business, can still end up so depressed that they attempt suicide. Success does not bestow immunity from depression. 

This man has been deeply hurt by the person he loves the most. Telling him to stop the ‘pity party’ is not only not helpful, it is cruel.

You are right in that it is not what knocks us down that matters, bit how we get back up. He is struggling to do that. 

Plodder, are you being treated for depression? Until you are out of that particular black hole, the rest is going to continue to seem insurmountable.


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## plodder (Apr 5, 2013)

I have been given anti depressants but, they don't do anything for me.
As for pity, I am not looking for this, I do need to look after myself I know, the court restriction order was placed by my wife, as she said I was a threat to her and our children, but yes, supervised visits and my wife has to be in attendance!!
How am I a threat? 
Yesterday I saw my children, they were really exited for me to be home, my wife made tea and my kids were really exited I was staying for tea, only for her to say to my children 'say goodbye to daddy he is leaving now' ....
My kids were distraught, as well as me as to say that to my children is beyond belief.
They were deeply upset.
I need to recover you are right, but I get knocked back down with things like this.
I have friends whom are concerned about me, but I am strong.
I try every day to sort out my life, and time is a healer.


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## plodder (Apr 5, 2013)

As for being a go getter.... But I did what I did..., my wife and children are my world, I was told things that I couldn't handle, told I would not see my children...material things like money and business, I can deal with, but my family is everything to me. 
I still after all this want my unit back, but I know I need to get strong.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

plodder said:


> I have been given anti depressants but, they don't do anything for me.


What are you on and for how long? They take a while to kick in and should relieve your physical symptoms somewhat.

The book _Codependent No More_ by Beattie could be really helpful to you since it seems that No More Mr. Nice Guy fits you. Are you seeing an individual counselor (IC)?

Start meeting friends, contact old ones you lost touch with, get more involved in any civic or religious groups you are part of. With your depression, perhaps Emotions Anonymous would be helpful to you, since they would be people who would understand, and be able to help you work the 12 Step program, which is a really great way to recover from the trauma. You would begin to meet people there as well. Do not sit around alone too much but keep yourself busy building a social network, working on your emotional reactions with counseling and E.A., and if you are religious, deepening those connections. Go to a gym and start working out immediately. If you can't afford it, you can start exercising by running, doing push-ups, sit-ups, and other things for free right not. Of course, you have to force yourself to start eating again. Talk to your doctor about the antidepressants if your physical symptoms persist.

You can make it through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel. But you have to work on yourself and realize you can become a better person, a healthier person, regardless of what happens regarding your marriage.


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## plodder (Apr 5, 2013)

I just got the book, but I don't think it fits me! As for counselling I had a crisis team for the first few weeks, they signed me off as not depressed but I had shock syndrome, where I basically could not take what happened in such a short time! 
I have thought about the tablets, but in all honesty I took them for 4 weeks, and they did nothing for me, if anything made me more weepy!

I am trying to get things back together, like last week I couldn't sleep for three days, it was worrying me the fact that I couldn't sleep, so I went out the day after and mader sure I drank a few pints of Guinness, and it seemed to do the trick.
It did make me wonder if I was slipping into depression! So today I have rang a private counsellor and I go to see her later this week.

I wonder to myself why could another person be so cold to another person, after 15 years of knowing her. 
Today is her birthday, and the first time I have not been with her on her birthday! I was sad.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I’m sorry but I still don’t understand how the court could determine that you are a threat to your wife and children yet allow you to be alone with all of them for visits. 

As for those visits, is there a court mandated time? I think you said you can see them for four hours a week. Is that one visit or spread over two? Make sure you get every minute you are entitled to.

Do the visits have to be at her house?

I will say it again. You need to talk to a lawyer. According to what you said, your wife duped you into signing over the house and then took most of the money from the sale even though ownership at that point was joint. She has a restraining order against you and has control over your visits with your children. She has demonstrated that she is capable of anything. If you can’t afford counsel, look into legal aid. Protect yourself. 

If the children expressed happiness in front of your wife that you were staying for tea, you are right. It was cruel to make you go. Tell her that next time she needs to wait until you leave to make tea.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

plodder said:


> I just got the book, but I don't think it fits me! As for counselling I had a crisis team for the first few weeks, they signed me off as not depressed but I had shock syndrome, where I basically could not take what happened in such a short time!
> I have thought about the tablets, but in all honesty I took them for 4 weeks, and they did nothing for me, if anything made me more weepy!
> 
> I am trying to get things back together, like last week I couldn't sleep for three days, it was worrying me the fact that I couldn't sleep, so I went out the day after and mader sure I drank a few pints of Guinness, and it seemed to do the trick.
> ...


Regarding the meds, perhaps you were on the wrong ones. Talk to a doctor. Not sleeping and all the physical symptoms are really hard. I have had them too as have many people here. Mine have returned with a lesser intensity of late, but the meds helped lower the intensity for sure. You are right, it is trauma, and the symptoms are like post-traumatic stress disorder. But people who have PTSD need meds and lots of counseling. Folks who try to fix it on their own don't seem to fair too well. I definitely agree that it is trauma. 

Alcohol will relieve the symptoms in the short term, as well Vallium and Xanax. But it comes at a price that can cause addiction, doesn't really deal with the underlying causes, and changes your mood making you not deal with reality. This is not the time to be drinking to cover the pain. Talk to your doctor, get on a different med or something. People with Trauma who use drugs and alcohol to cover it up don't end up well.

Today may have been her birthday but it was also an opportunity for you to become a better you. So is tomorrow. You will make it though this, regardless of what happens with your marriage.


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