# Affection after affair



## kevinjgray88 (Nov 1, 2012)

My wife had an affair with a guy I deployed to Afghanistan with. I know it differs for everyone but I would like to hear timeframes for different actions from people whom were cheated on. I would like a timeframe for each action listed below. We are staying together and worry about doing any actions in the list to early. I'm afraid if I do it might seem like I forgive her. Thank you
Held hands
Slept in the same bed
Cuddled
Kissed
Had sex


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I do not know the specifics. There were many one night stands. The one emotional relationship she had with moved in 3 days with my ex h after I left. They are unhappily married and its 19 years later. He's cheated on her with 3 people I'm aware of, but I assure you it's more. 

I don't care or put any thought into their relationship. I stopped caring about what he did the day I moved out. We were done.

I remarried and life is so much better. I trust my husband 100% to remain faithful.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Just do what feels right. You can forgive her at some point, that's up to you when. If you intend to stay together, you will have to sometime. Forgiving her does not make what she did ok though. There is a difference. Also you might be ok which some stuff on the list one day, and not the next. It's a rough road, lots of ups and downs. That's ok, it is what it is. Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It is different for everyone. There is no timetable. Good luck with the recovery of your marriage


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

It is different for every couple... but here is my timeline as best I can remember (D day was almost a year ago):

Held Hands - probably 2 months. To me, holding hands is very intimate.

Slept in the same bed - 10 days... and it was only because our therapist told us to.

Cuddled - I have no idea. I hate to cuddle (always have)... I would say it was many weeks.

Kissed - a couple days... but it didn't feel loving. It felt forced.

Had sex - the day after D-day. I wanted it and took control.

Hope that helps. Sorry you are here.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Google hysterical bonding, friend.
Embrace it.
Enjoy the ride.
It's not any kind of reward. it doesn't condone a thing. It doesn't mean the affair has to be hidden under the carpet (you MUST deal with it).

Ther's no timeframes.

Post your story when you are ready, read all you can.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Held hands - 3 months after Dday
Slept in the same bed - Same night as D-day
Cuddled - Day after d-day
Kissed - Same night as D-day
Had sex - Same night as D-day

Like Acabado said...Google Hysterical Bonding. The holding hands part took a few months into "R" for me. But the sex part... Was unbelievable, and very, very confusing. 

Long road ahead. I'm a week from 5 months after discovery, in reconciliation, and it's STILL a rollercoaster for me. 

Hang on.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

I agree with others, that there is no "right" time. I am the one who cheated. 

For us:

Holding hands was about 2 months past DDay
The rest happened about 3 weeks past DDay, but my husband purposefully got drunk so that he was able to do those things (this is what he told me). The first time we did them with him sober was also about 2 months past DDay.

It's very back and forth though. We are 4.5 months past DDay, and he hasn't held my hand in at least 6 weeks. We had sex less than a week ago though. He does not forgive me yet, says he never will, but we've been sleeping in the same bed since August (except for a few nights when he has chosen to sleep on the couch). 

We have had our share of hysterical bonding, and it was confusing to me until I read about it and understood what it was. I agree with others; just go with what you feel, and let your wife follow your lead. 

Best of luck to you.


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## Earl Dibbles Jr (Nov 1, 2012)

Hmmmmm. Have sex as often as possible. She should do way more than she did with the OM. ! Forget the rest. She owes you whatever you want. Don't be a puss soldier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

kevinjgray88 said:


> My wife had an affair with a guy I deployed to Afghanistan with. I know it differs for everyone but I would like to hear timeframes for different actions from people whom were cheated on. I would like a timeframe for each action listed below. We are staying together and worry about doing any actions in the list to early. I'm afraid if I do it might seem like I forgive her. Thank you
> Held hands
> Slept in the same bed
> Cuddled
> ...


There definitely is no time frame that works for everyone. I would first ask what she has done to stop the behavior and make her life open for you to view. Has she given access to email/FB/texts? 

If she is not in contact with the OM, open to letting you in to all aspects of her life AND you are working through things, there is no reason to hold back affection you feel. If you feel like holding her hand, hold it. Ditto for the rest of it.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

As has been said - no time table. But IMO holding out too long can really impact reconnecting. If you want to reconcile you have to try to forgive. If you succeed in reconciling you have to forgive. Forgiving is completely different than forgetting. You should forgive if only for yourself, you should never forget. 

FYI my wife and I:

Held hands = not sure
Slept in same bed = same night, we didn't sleep apart one night.
Cuddled = third night after dday
Kissed = third night after dday
Sex = third night after dday.

As Acabado said - learn about hysterical bonding. My wife and I experienced it. If there's any silver lining in and affair - that's it.


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## kevinjgray88 (Nov 1, 2012)

Thank you for the kind words and advice from everyone. I'm just struggling with this part the most. I want to do those things to show her I can and to get her to see that its me she wants to do those things with. The cuddling,holding hands,kissing to me are things you do with someone you love. But she told me she did all those along with sex. So I'm so torn and need to get through the mind block. I want her to see what it feels like to do those things with someone you truly love and care about,but then I get all these thoughts of how she did these things with someone she doesn't care about or have mind movies of her cuddling up with someone else along with other actions. She has been very open to me and has willingly answered my questions. Even tho condoms were used I told her I wanted her tested, which she fully understood and agreed too. I made my mind that after she gets tested and I see the results that I would at least come back to our bed.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

We hit the bed within 2 days. Every BS has a different pace and a lot of that depends on what exactly took place and how the WS is reacting. There is no set rule for intimacy after DDay. You have to move at a pace that is comfortable for you.


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## kevinjgray88 (Nov 1, 2012)

Just checking in. My wife asked if she could rub my back. I agreed. She told me it made her realize how much she missed feeling me and that she felt warm fuzzies inside. It made me feel really good as well. While she was rubbing my back I was not thinking about her with the OM like I was scared I would. So it was I good step because I know she really wanted to do that and not because she feels guilty for what she did. I know it took a lot for her to ask if she could do that because she has been very respectful of my boundaries and has been scared to even sit to close to me in fear of upsetting me not because she didn't want too.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

I cosign with all the others when they say that there should be no set timetable. As for me...

Held hands-still can't do it, even after two years
Slept in the same bed-same night as D-day, but woke up went to the couch
Cuddled-see holding hands
Kissed-a few months later
Sex-a couple of weeks later in order to prevent from trying to have a revenge affair
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

kevinjgray88 said:


> My wife had an affair with a guy I deployed to Afghanistan with. I know it differs for everyone but I would like to hear timeframes for different actions from people whom were cheated on. I would like a timeframe for each action listed below. We are staying together and worry about doing any actions in the list to early. I'm afraid if I do it might seem like I forgive her. Thank you
> Held hands
> Slept in the same bed
> Cuddled
> ...


Reconciliation is hard work. And the time table for when you let that person back into your life, with anything, is very difficult. 

I am trying to be more affectionate with my wife, but honestly, my heart is not always behind it. 

Like, for holding hands. I never grab her hands. When she wants to hold my hands, she grabs for them. Whether I let her hold them or not depends on my mood. 

Slept in the same...long story there for me, so my answer probably won't help you. But it was a week before I told her I actually wanted to attempt to reconcile. 

Cuddled, well, depends on where the cuddling takes place.
Like, if it was in the bed, she cuddled up to me the very first chance she got. I return it when I can. My mood sometimes makes it too difficult. 
If on the couch or chair or something, man, I am still struggling with that. 

Kissed. Well...depends there too. 
Like, if you mean kissing during hysterical bonding...didn't take too long there.
If you mean by I get a kiss as I walk out the door to work, that happened a few days after I told her I wanted to try and reconcile. 
If it was kissing good night, that has been almost every night. 
If it was kissing good night and meaning it...that is still a work in progress sometimes. 
If it was just kissing while we are cuddling or something...that is also still a work in progress. Sometimes I am in it, sometimes I am not. I usually just give her a kiss to make her feel better, but I have a feeling she knows I am not 100% behind it. 

Having sex...well, depends there too. 
IF you mean hysterical bonding, that didn't take long at all. 
I think we are still probably in that stage. And honestly, I can't complain about that too much...


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

H and I did everything within the first week of him moving back in and we continue to do so.
We sit together and hold hands all the time. We kiss more now than we did before his A and to be honest the sex had improved.
I still have mind movies but they are getting easier to deal with now. My H and I are closer now than we have been for years.

As everyone else has said, you need to do this in your own time, when you feel relaxed and happy. The first couple of times we had sex I got very upset, but we dealt with it together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

kevinjgray88 said:


> she has been very respectful of my boundaries and has been scared to even sit to close to me in fear of upsetting me not because she didn't want too.


God I remember that feeling, it was the worst of my wife. The night of Dday all I wanted was to hold my wife, to comfort her, to try to make it better - but I was terrified to even touch her. I was terrified that if I touched her she wouldn't let me or worse would lash out at me and I couldn't have taken that. I knew I had no right to comfort her but it really killed me not to be able to be the one to hold her and tell her it would all be ok.


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## BrokenVows (Oct 12, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Google hysterical bonding, friend.
> Embrace it.
> Enjoy the ride.
> It's not any kind of reward. it doesn't condone a thing. It doesn't mean the affair has to be hidden under the carpet (you MUST deal with it).
> ...


I'm going through the Hysterical Bonding Abaco references. Really threw me off at first because when he told me I didn't think I'd ever want him to touch me again...but the very 1st night when he was sleeping in the guest room I went to him? Have been going at it like teenagers since D-Day. 

On the other hand, there are times when we are lying in bed afterwards that he comes to cuddle with me & I go through the whole visuals in my head again of the OW & I push him away when he tries to cuddle. Same thing with hand holding and kissing. Emotions are extremely complicated right now. Best of luck to you.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

BrokenVows said:


> I'm going through the Hysterical Bonding Abaco references. Really threw me off at first because when he told me I didn't think I'd ever want him to touch me again...but the very 1st night when he was sleeping in the guest room I went to him? Have been going at it like teenagers since D-Day.
> 
> On the other hand, there are times when we are lying in bed afterwards that he comes to cuddle with me & I go through the whole visuals in my head again of the OW & I push him away when he tries to cuddle. Same thing with hand holding and kissing. Emotions are extremely complicated right now. Best of luck to you.


It's kind of like reclaiming your territory, yet still not sure you actually want to keep it, if maybe it might be a lot more trouble than it's worth.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I don't know. 

Being an educated a$$hole, I'm familiar with hysterical bonding. So I used that time to get some freaky monkey a$$ sex and have a second honeymoon. Anything I suggested was fair game. And agreed too!

But then again...that's just me.

Not that it worked out in the end....but that was some fun few weeks!


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Did not reconcile after PA but after EA we would hold hands, etc. immediately after but here's the deal 
I would feel close to her after sex and then withdraw completely afterwards - I did not trust her but wanted to - which in the end was to my own demise.


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## Surprisesinlife (Nov 9, 2012)

We had hysterical bonding from the day I found out. Best sex of our marriage. It felt weird to want it so much, but I don't regret it. It brought us closer. Going on 4 months. Things have slowed down to once a day : )


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