# American women married to European men?



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think there are a few of us here. Would anyone like to share how it might be different from being married to an American man? 

Feel free to share any of your thoughts or experiences.


----------



## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

As a European man, my guess is it may vary depending where in Europe the man comes from. Northern countries (especially Scandinavia) strike me as very strong for gender equality. The Southern countries, not so much.


----------



## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Are you an American woman married to an European?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Yes, I am married to a Frenchman. I saw someone on here yesterday that I think is also married to a European man, and I thought we could see if there were other people in our situation, too.

It's hard to know how much a culture influences a man; he could be the way he is just because of his family or personality.

Dh is very polite, with more formal manners than many American men. He is more liberal than most men I know here. He usually has a different take on politics, esp. international politics, than men I know.

He has a greater appreciation for economic inequality than many people I know, in general. He also seems less stressed by money. Quality of life is very important to him.

He respects women, and has always greatly valued my staying home with the kids. He has never expected me to bring in money.

He knows food very well, and while not any kind of wine expert, knows more than anyone else I know. 

He is a very balanced person, and I think that having grown up in a society where the arts are subsidized, so that they don't just die out for lack of funds, may have contributed to that. 

Socialist societies have their drawbacks (everything is done in a group, it seems), but there does seem to be a base level of decent living that I am not sure we have here in America.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

jld said:


> I think there are a few of us here. Would anyone like to share how it might be different from being married to an American man?
> 
> Feel free to share any of your thoughts or experiences.


Uh oh, I think you are just asking for trouble here.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Philat said:


> Uh oh, I think you are just asking for trouble here.


How?


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

jld said:


> How?


Well, as an American husband I felt anger and resentment welling up as soon as I read your post #4. Some others who feel the same might not hesitate to express themselves on this thread.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Philat said:


> Well, as an American husband I felt anger and resentment welling up as soon as I read your post #4. Some others who feel the same might not hesitate to express themselves on this thread.


About the food? Help me understand, please.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

jld said:


> About the food? Help me understand, please.


Dh is very polite, with more formal manners than many American men. *American men are rude louts*. He is more liberal than most men I know here.*Liberal good. American non-liberal bad*. He usually has a different take on politics, esp. international politics, than men I know.

He has a greater appreciation for economic inequality than many people I know, in general. *American men capitalist pigs*. He also seems less stressed by money. Quality of life is very important to him.

He respects women, and has always greatly valued my staying home with the kids. *American men disrespectful of women, just use them for money*. He has never expected me to bring in money.

He knows food very well, and while not any kind of wine expert, knows more than anyone else I know.

He is a very balanced person, and I think that having grown up in a society where the arts are subsidized, so that they don't just die out for lack of funds, may have contributed to that. *American men cultureless boors*

Socialist societies have their drawbacks (everything is done in a group, it seems), but there does seem to be a base level of decent living that I am not sure we have here in America. *American men indecent*


----------



## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Philat said:


> Dh is very polite, with more formal manners than many American men. *American men are rude louts*. He is more liberal than most men I know here.*Liberal good. American non-liberal bad*. He usually has a different take on politics, esp. international politics, than men I know.
> 
> He has a greater appreciation for economic inequality than many people I know, in general. *American men capitalist pigs*. He also seems less stressed by money. Quality of life is very important to him.
> 
> ...


I would not think that she wanted to say that.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> I would not think that she wanted to say that.


No other way to read it, IMO.


----------



## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Philat said:


> No other way to read it, IMO.


I think she just wanted to say something lovely about her husband. 

I sometimes say that I like being married to a former military because they are dependable guys, who are protective of you... that does not mean that other guys cannot have the same qualities.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Philat said:


> Dh is very polite, with more formal manners than many American men. *American men are rude louts*. He is more liberal than most men I know here.*Liberal good. American non-liberal bad*. He usually has a different take on politics, esp. international politics, than men I know.
> 
> He has a greater appreciation for economic inequality than many people I know, in general. *American men capitalist pigs*. He also seems less stressed by money. Quality of life is very important to him.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your explanation, Philat. I never would have thought that if you hadn't explained it. 

I haven't had the occasion to speak with many American women married to Europeans, so I just thought that there might be some here, and we could compare notes, so to speak.

I guess that by saying some of these things, I didn't mean to imply that American men were the opposite. Some of these things are actually comments that other people have made about dh. An American man he worked with was the one who commented on dh's politeness, for example.

Personally, I think in many ways it is probably easier to be married to someone from your own country. Maybe I should list some disadvantages to my marriage?

Because dh tends to be more polite than our culture says is necessary, we have probably not fit well into certain social situations. Honestly, even in my own family, he insists on more politeness than is really necessary (telling me not to call my parents before 8 am, even though I knew it was okay). 

Sometimes dh sends the wrong signal with his politeness, too. He says that when he does not want a relationship with someone (my brother, for example, lol), he is extra polite to them. I don't know that this signal is correctly interpreted, but I can't quite explain why.

There is still a small language barrier between us, even after 20 years. He doesn't get some idioms, and the kids like to make fun of his accent a little. There is not the complete understanding between us that there would be if we had married people from our own cultures.

Not having grown up in the same culture, we don't have the same references. As people grow older, the references can be a comfort, a shared background. We have had to forge a lot of bonding on our own, without relying on background as a kind of prop.

Feel free to express other criticism. We learn from criticism. I truly did not think I was starting a polemic. But I think I could learn from this, so thank you for sharing your thoughts.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> I think she just wanted to say something lovely about her husband.
> 
> I sometimes say that I like being married to a former military because they are dependable guys, who are protective of you... that does not mean that other guys cannot have the same qualities.


Implying her H is lovely because he comes from a culture that fosters loveliness, as opposed to American culture. If I'm off base here the responses to this thread will show it. But my reading of the OP was "let's share our thoughts on why European husbands are better than American husbands. Here are some examples pertaining to my own husband."

OK, signing off now.


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I am married to a European man. But he's been in the US so long that he's a melting pot of beliefs and cultures. Pretty much like most Americans. And he chose to live in this country because he prefers it to his own.

It's silly to get worked up on here. We can make the typical stereotypical remarks about Americans. We can also make them about the French (unwashed, heavy smokers, adulterers, cowards) the British (drunkards, brawlers, soccer hooligans, bad teeth), Eastern Europeans (hairy, uneducated, even worse smokers, vodka chuggers)...you get the idea? Heck, culture varies within the USA. Someone from Maine and someone from Texas will have different cultural ideas on food, social issues and speech patterns.

I married my H because he was a great guy with a good head on his shoulders, a great sense of humor and a pleasing body.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

jld said:


> Thanks for your explanation, Philat. I never would have thought that if you hadn't explained it.
> 
> I haven't had the occasion to speak with many American women married to Europeans, so I just thought that there might be some here, and we could compare notes, so to speak.
> 
> ...


jld, I posted my last response to illmaketea before seeing this. Not criticizing really, just giving my reaction as an American male (one I do not think is unique). Anyway, this sidetracks your original intent, so I'll bow out. See you somewhere down the road on TAM, I'm sure.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I was married to a European man (also my longest relationship to date) but I have not been married to an American so I can't compare to tell you the difference.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> I think she just wanted to say something lovely about her husband.
> 
> I sometimes say that I like being married to a former military because they are dependable guys, who are protective of you... that does not mean that other guys cannot have the same qualities.


Thank you. You understand.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Philat said:


> Implying her H is lovely because he comes from a culture that fosters loveliness, as opposed to American culture. If I'm off base here the responses to this thread will show it. But my reading of the OP was "let's share our thoughts on why European husbands are better than American husbands. Here are some examples pertaining to my own husband."
> 
> OK, signing off now.


I did not mean to say that. I really am sorry if that is how it came across. Please forgive.


----------



## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Well I am not French, but at least I qualify for "not American".
If you have a question for anybody who is not American please feel free to ask


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

jld said:


> I did not mean to say that. I really am sorry if that is how it came across. Please forgive.


No apologies necessary or forgiveness required in an honest exchange of views.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Philat said:


> No apologies necessary or forgiveness required in an honest exchange of views.


Thank you.


----------



## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I just thought that in your case it could be a good idea to travel to France or meet with some French so you understand him better.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> I am married to a European man. But he's been in the US so long that he's a melting pot of beliefs and cultures. Pretty much like most Americans. And he chose to live in this country because he prefers it to his own.
> 
> It's silly to get worked up on here. We can make the typical stereotypical remarks about Americans. We can also make them about the French (unwashed, heavy smokers, adulterers, cowards) the British (drunkards, brawlers, soccer hooligans, bad teeth), Eastern Europeans (hairy, uneducated, even worse smokers, vodka chuggers)...you get the idea? Heck, culture varies within the USA. Someone from Maine and someone from Texas will have different cultural ideas on food, social issues and speech patterns.
> 
> I married my H because he was a great guy with a good head on his shoulders, a great sense of humor and a pleasing body.


Hi, yeah right. May I ask if he came as an adult or a child? Feel free not to answer. I am just curious. 

Dh loves America, too. He is worried about France. There is more opportunity in America, and Americans are more open-minded than French people. He has even become a bit more conservative in his politics in the two decades he has been here.

You make an excellent point about regional cultural differences in America. I have heard women comment on their marriages to Southern men, and there definitely seem to be cultural differences there. But America has a common language, and I think, to a large degree a common culture. It is interesting to hear other people's experiences, though.

Yes, we don't marry someone because of their language or culture. We marry that person for the whole package he brings. I am glad you found a great guy.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> I just thought that in your case it could be a good idea to travel to France or meet with some French so you understand him better.


We used to live there. I understand that some things come out of a culture, but some things are more individual. 

I haven't known many people in our situation. This has just been a kind of curiosity in my mind over the years, and since TAM gets such wide reception, I thought I would just ask.

I really and truly did not mean to offend. It really was just a question. I thought maybe some other women would write in and say that they have noticed some things, too. It was really just an opportunity to compare notes.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> I was married to a European man (also my longest relationship to date) but I have not been married to an American so I can't compare to tell you the difference.


Do you think the cultural differences contributed to your parting of ways? Was it just too hard to overcome them, plus the regular challenges of marriage?

Feel free to ignore the above if it is too personal. And thanks for your response.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jld said:


> *Do you think the cultural differences contributed to your parting of ways? * Was it just too hard to overcome them, plus the regular challenges of marriage?


Nope.

My parents are also from two totally different countries and have been married 40+ yrs. It's all about the couple and the commitment to the relationship.

I personally thought our cultural differences added a lovely flair to our relationship.


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

My H came at age 18 so he was raised completely in his home country's culture. However, as we are well into our 40's, he has lived in America longer. 

I was born and raised in one part of the USA and moved at age 22 to another. I promise you it's almost like a different country. I once visited a large southern city in America and could barely understand anyone with their drawls.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

European guy here married to a woman from Central Asia, living in the frozen tundra of the Midwestern USA for 30 years.

As a European I am predictably liberal, and coming from a poor family I tend to be a firm believer in social policies that help those who need help. 

I'm pretty laid back, don't work long hours, and enjoy my quality of life outside work. I am pretty balanced as well, having attended many world class concerts, art exhibits, and other cultural events for near zero cost growing up.

I think there are some areas where America could change but thankfully it's a big place and one can find what they want. My top USA turn offs after 30+ years are mostly things that can't change (the weather in virtually all the USA is just awful) or the focus on money. All the same, I had more turn offs with Europe and that's why I ended up here...

Mix and match European basics, American basics, Asian food, American dessert, and European drinks and you got it made. Both my daughters speak English and another language (French - younger and Arabic - older) even tho we have no ties to either culture... 

Just pick what you want, respect what you don't want while working around what you don't like, and you'll be fine. One awesome thing about America is that there's a way around anything...


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

John, do you mind saying how old you are? Feel free to ignore the question, if you like. Were your parents European, too?


----------



## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

I am also European married to an American woman - although we're in the fast track to divorce I'll convey what she's told me in the past.

As others have mentioned - I'm more polite than most American guys (no need to get butt hurt anyone). In general Europeans tend to be moe polite and quieter (unless there's a soccer match) than Americans - this is a generality but as such it's pretty true. It applies to women just as much as men.

I'm catholic but not an extremist Christian like many here in the US tend to be. 

I hold doors open for women and anyone older than me instead if walking in and then holding the door open. An interesting observation I've made: younger women seem to take great offense to this and many people no longer say thank you.

I was raised with the belief that children are meant to be seen, not heard. If we went to a house of my parents' friends my brother and I had to sit quietly and either read or listen to what was being talked about. If cookies were offered, they had to be politely refused (I never adhered to this).

I eat everything with a knife and fork including French fries and pizza. 

Even though things are crappy between my wife and I, I still open the car door for her.

I believe in hard work, but I also believe I quality of life. Before nursing school I was a manager in a financial office and would get in trouble for leaving after 8 hours and not putting in 60+ hours a week. I didn't care, my job was not my life.

I vacation every year - for at least two weeks at a time, usually three

I am very open to new ideas and am not very politically idoilogical.

My wife finds American men to rough to be around - they always have something to prove and are too boisterous according to her.

These are observations I've made whe comparing myself to American men and that my wife has made as well.

If this offends anyone, get over it. I'm responding to the Op's question.

If anyone is interested I am from Belgium but have lived here since I was a baby. I was raised typically European and spoke only French at home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Mid 50's, born and raised in Europe to age 22 or so - college too... Both parents European government employees and quite poor.

Wife mid 50s also, from the beautiful People's' Republic of Farawaystan in Central Asia - bona fide member of the 1% ruling elite a couple of dictators ago, now just wealthy.

Near zero things in common but we did well for 25 years and not so well for 5.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

@P51. Merci, c'est gentil. (Thank you, that was nice.)

@John117. Thank you. Your English is excellent. After 20 years, my husband still makes mistakes, especially in writing. Thanks again for your post.


----------



## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

jld said:


> Yes, I am married to a Frenchman. I saw someone on here yesterday that I think is also married to a European man, and I thought we could see if there were other people in our situation, too.
> 
> It's hard to know how much a culture influences a man; he could be the way he is just because of his family or personality.
> 
> ...


I was born in Russia and we are like cultured sexists, we know all the classical music but want you to cook us dinner. I find France to be a country on its way to bankruptcy and the men to be effete. Not to say France doesn't have its positives like its restaurants.

If I'd say what Russian men were like they would be like southern American Republican's on steroids, while being atheists and fairly cynical. We have no time for god but we'd otherwise be right at home in rural Georgia. I find American and western leftists to be limp wristed compared to the real thing in the old USSR.


----------



## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

john117 said:


> European guy here married to a woman from Central Asia, living in the frozen tundra of the Midwestern USA for 30 years.
> 
> As a European I am predictably liberal, and coming from a poor family I tend to be a firm believer in social policies that help those who need help.
> 
> ...


Even Russian leftists aren't really "liberal", although I suppose us Russians are a different breed of Euro.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You are  in your own ways...


----------



## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

P51Geo1980 said:


> I am also European married to an American woman - although we're in the fast track to divorce I'll convey what she's told me in the past.
> 
> As others have mentioned - I'm more polite than most American guys (no need to get butt hurt anyone). In general Europeans tend to be moe polite and quieter (unless there's a soccer match) than Americans - this is a generality but as such it's pretty true. It applies to women just as much as men.
> 
> ...


Western Europe is nothing like Eastern Europe, but I found that Westerners never give thought to Eastern Europeans cultural milieu. I guess we are a little too rough and tumble for our Western cousins with their negative birth rates and feminism.


----------



## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

john117 said:


> You are  in your own ways...


Don't get us riled up or you'll have to call the American's in Nato to save you again from the big Bear.


----------



## Moovers (Dec 24, 2013)

I don't like where this is going, I really really don't want anymore political discussions (fighting) about Europe's history.. I grove up listening about it and I am glad to be away from reading comments on web where nations are disliking each other.. 

That is the thing that my home country can't get away from, history, national Russians hating on us, us hating on Russians.. 

In U.S. I suppose you have your own never resolved issues, race, gender issues. I guess it is everywhere..

Well, I am European woman with an American men and there are some very nice qualities I didn't find in European man. Every culture like said here before has it's qualities.


----------



## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Moovers said:


> I don't like where this is going, I really really don't want anymore political discussions (fighting) about Europe's history.. I grove up listening about it and I am glad to be away from reading comments on web where nations are disliking each other..
> 
> That is the thing that my home country can't get away from, history, national Russians hating on us, us hating on Russians..
> 
> ...


My family was kicked out of Russia for not being Communist enough don't worry sweetheart.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

jld said:


> I think there are a few of us here. Would anyone like to share how it might be different from being married to an American man?
> 
> Feel free to share any of your thoughts or experiences.


My husband and I are from different countries. 

I think we related easily through our experiences of moving countries and what it had meant; how it affected us, our perspectives, what we'd learned. I consider myself a bit of a cultural mess and have learned to embrace that and in part, thanks to him. We have introduced each other to various music, food, cultural nuisances, and traveled places we may not have visited otherwise through sharing in each others story.

Of course, these elements can still be had in a relationship with someone from the same background.

Basically I dig his accent.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I should add though, he still eats with his fork in the wrong hand.

Meanwhile, he says I have mine backwards. 

Such nonsense!


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

I'll make tea said:


> I would not think that she wanted to say that.


I think she did.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> I should add though, he still eats with his fork in the wrong hand.
> 
> Meanwhile, he says I have mine backwards.
> 
> Such nonsense!


Fork in the left hand surely?

There again I also like to switch my wine glass from the right side to the left.


----------



## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

First husband was Italian and i lived there a very long time. Currently with an American. Very different, like night and day.

I do not miss being lied to, cheated on and emotionally abused by my ex. We have been divorced for about 15 years and he still tries to be disrespectful the few times we have to be together for family things. I just ignore him and that sets him off something terrible. 

Have now been with an American from the Midwest for 2 years and love his accent , love his good manners (opens doors for me, brings me coffee in bed every morning, etc). Love his honesty and transparency. The sex isn't all about him, it's about us. He is self assured, competent and can fix anything, and I mean anything! 
He is a man's man, yet isn't afraid to show his emotions and share his feelings. He gives 100% to our relationship.

My 2 cents, I'll take my down to earth, honest, loving and hardworking hillbilly any day over the pretentious calculating cold hearted narcissist that was my ex any day.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> Of course, these elements can still be had in a relationship with someone from the same background.
> 
> Basically I dig his accent.



If you like accents I'll send you an audio file with mine - sounds like Klingon :rofl: 

It depends on what delta - difference - of cultures we are talking about. French vs German, some. Netherlands vs Azerbaijan, way more. Also with what culture one was raised regardless of nationality. I fell in love with British music and TV in the 70s and picked up a lot of cultural artifacts that remain with me to this day. 

The kid situation is strange. Our older one looks Asian like mom and has adapted more of that culture, especially in her art and design work. The younger one looks European like dad and has adapted a lot of European culture (French - tho I'm not French). 

As much as I dislike dealing with my wife's cultural hang ups (no dating till the girls are 25!!!) ending up with two incredible kids is well worth the fuss.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Philat said:


> Implying her H is lovely because he comes from a culture that fosters loveliness, as opposed to American culture. If I'm off base here the responses to this thread will show it. But my reading of the OP was "let's share our thoughts on why European husbands are better than American husbands. Here are some examples pertaining to my own husband."
> 
> OK, signing off now.


If you want the opposite example, look up the thread about men marrying Asian women. Talk about American women coming out of the woodwork to be pissed about what was said there


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

WyshIknew said:


> Fork in the left hand surely?
> 
> There again I also like to switch my wine glass from the right side to the left.


Correct..!


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

john117 said:


> If you like accents I'll send you an audio file with mine - sounds like Klingon :rofl:
> 
> It depends on what delta - difference - of cultures we are talking about. French vs German, some. Netherlands vs Azerbaijan, way more. Also with what culture one was raised regardless of nationality. I fell in love with British music and TV in the 70s and picked up a lot of cultural artifacts that remain with me to this day.
> 
> ...


Live long and prosper.


----------

