# Wife cannot miss parties with girl friends. Prefers divorce to "so called boring husband"



## andyannu

We have been married for 19 year. We have a 17 year ready for college and 10 year old twins. Since my twins were born, my wife had to stop working . It took her 6 years to get back while we accumulated $30,000 in debt. Since last five years she started a business which barely makes minimum wage and requires her to work weekends and 6 days a week. I think her hours robs kids of their mother's time and have refused to accept any of her income to run the household last 5 years

We are Asians with a culture of living with parents. Both her and my mother have lived with us at-least since Covid began. since last five years we have got increasing close to 8 Asian families who at first seemed similar to ours. The only close friends my twins have is with one of these families

As covid started, these families decided not to abide by rules and by June 2020 were having parties both Saturday and Sunday without masks. I reluctantly went along. sometimes it was three days of partying with a kids birthday on Friday. These parties start at 9 pm and sometimes go till 3 am. The kids put in a different house in same neighbourhood and can have the blast till 3 am, since parents have decided this is the "right value"

I do not mind these people but I think meeting the same people twice a week a bit too much. Then they started having only girls and only boys alcohol parties separately. I do not drink alcohol but went to men's parties for about a year. Then the men wanted me to go for a 4 day trip at cost of $3000.My wife took a similar trip 2 years back with the women. I told my wife, I would rather spend $3000 on getting a new carpet for the house

When all men in the group, but me went for the weekend trip, the women decided to have an all night parties. This was the second time such party was being held. Whenever one of the husbands is way, that wife hosts an all night party. My wife feels enough attached to these women, to leave me alone at home all night. On one occasion she left at 2 pm on Saturday, texted me that she is not going to come that night at 10 pm and showed up on Sunday at 12 noon

She makes sure the kids are having a sleepover that night ( without my approval ) so I cannot accuse her of not taking care of kids. She has lied to me couple of times to be with these women. I feel she is having an affair, albeit a mental one

Since my wife is now doing a late night once a week my 17 year old is also doing the same. My wife says I am very controlling of her. According to her, the issue is not her "cheating with me", but me not having any friends. I feel as a married man with kids, doing stag parties is not right

Now she says she is thinking of separation, since my behavior has got too controlling. I have recently gone on two date nights with her only to be lied a day later so she could spend more time with women. I feel cheated and do not want to give up on my kids. Please advice


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## jlg07

Honestly this whole thing sounds strange -- you have a group of friends that WANT to have separate men and women's parties, basically act like you are not married? Go out and party all night and let your KIDS DO THE SAME? Umm WHAT? What kind of sh*t is this teaching your kids?
Honestly the whole situation sounds like a crapfest. You are allowed your own boundaries. If SHE is going to continue this, and YOU don't want to deal, you need to decide what sort of repercussions YOU will enforce if it continues.
Sounds like SHE is already gone -- she wants to party. HER doing this and bringing your 17year old into it? REALLY bad. What about the 10 year olds -- what do THEY do while she is out partying all night?

Honestly, you need to get with a lawyer to see how a D would affect you. You should also call CPS on her/them if they are letting 17 year old hang out and drink...... At least it gets it on the record for your custody of the 10 year olds...

Oh yeah -- make sure you protect your finances and stop paying for her to party -- let her pay for her own crap.


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## andyannu

jlg07 said:


> Honestly this whole thing sounds strange -- you have a group of friends that WANT to have separate men and women's parties, basically act like you are not married? Go out and party all night and let your KIDS DO THE SAME? Umm WHAT? What kind of sh*t is this teaching your kids?
> Honestly the whole situation sounds like a crapfest. You are allowed your own boundaries. If SHE is going to continue this, and YOU don't want to deal, you need to decide what sort of repercussions YOU will enforce if it continues.
> Sounds like SHE is already gone -- she wants to party. HER doing this and bringing your 17year old into it? REALLY bad. What about the 10 year olds -- what do THEY do while she is out partying all night?
> 
> Honestly, you need to get with a lawyer to see how a D would affect you. You should also call CPS on her/them if they are letting 17 year old hang out and drink...... At least it gets it on the record for your custody of the 10 year olds...
> 
> Oh yeah -- make sure you protect your finances and stop paying for her to party -- let her pay for her own crap.


She says I am too controlling if I do not let all kids and her party all night . I am conservative and old fashioned. If other 7 families are okay with this behavior, why am I the only one really being a "jerk"


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## andyannu

jlg07 said:


> Honestly this whole thing sounds strange -- you have a group of friends that WANT to have separate men and women's parties, basically act like you are not married? Go out and party all night and let your KIDS DO THE SAME? Umm WHAT? What kind of sh*t is this teaching your kids?
> Honestly the whole situation sounds like a crapfest. You are allowed your own boundaries. If SHE is going to continue this, and YOU don't want to deal, you need to decide what sort of repercussions YOU will enforce if it continues.
> Sounds like SHE is already gone -- she wants to party. HER doing this and bringing your 17year old into it? REALLY bad. What about the 10 year olds -- what do THEY do while she is out partying all night?
> 
> Honestly, you need to get with a lawyer to see how a D would affect you. You should also call CPS on her/them if they are letting 17 year old hang out and drink...... At least it gets it on the record for your custody of the 10 year olds...
> 
> Oh yeah -- make sure you protect your finances and stop paying for her to party -- let her pay for her own crap.


Can you elaborate on this " You are allowed your own boundaries. If SHE is going to continue this, and YOU don't want to deal, you need to decide what sort of repercussions YOU will enforce if it continues. " . How can I enforce any repurcussions, if the only way she leaves with the kids and if I say anything, she says and I quote " Ask the kids if they want to live with you her or me "


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## jlg07

andyannu said:


> She says I am too controlling if I do not let all kids and her party all night . I am conservative and old fashioned. If other 7 families are okay with this behavior, why am I the only one really being a "jerk"


This is her trying to manipulate you and guilt trip you. If the "other" families allow their kids to drink underage, is THAT ok? What if they think it's ok for the kids to smoke pot -- is THAT ok? Are these other 7 families the arbiters of what is correct?

You wife is trying to guilt trip you with the "controlling" stuff, and peer pressure you with what the other families are ok with.
WHY can't ALL of you just be at a party together, and do it occasionally?


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## jlg07

andyannu said:


> Can you elaborate on this " You are allowed your own boundaries. If SHE is going to continue this, and YOU don't want to deal, you need to decide what sort of repercussions YOU will enforce if it continues. " . How can I enforce any repurcussions, if the only way she leaves with the kids and if I say anything, she says and I quote " Ask the kids if they want to live with you her or me "


Well, the "kids" don't get to choose -- the courts do (of course the 17 year old -- not much you can do about that one -- they can choose). Why would your kids NOT want to live with someone who allows them to party all the time and enforces no boundaries for them?

Start documenting all this stuff -- EVERY party, every day. Talk to a lawyer and see what D would look like. If SHE is threatening divorce just so she can continue to party, she has NO respect for you. NO respect for your marriage, and honestly I don't see any love there.


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## andyannu

jlg07 said:


> This is her trying to manipulate you and guilt trip you. If the "other" families allow their kids to drink underage, is THAT ok? What if they think it's ok for the kids to smoke pot -- is THAT ok? Are these other 7 families the arbiters of what is correct?
> 
> You wife is trying to guilt trip you with the "controlling" stuff, and peer pressure you with what the other families are ok with.
> WHY can't ALL of you just be at a party together, and do it occasionally?


Partying along with the entire family is no longer enough for members of this group. The issue is my wife and I do not agree on this . She wants to go to stag parties, and I do not want to go. She wants to send kids to these late night play dates, I do not wants. She says "10 years like it " so why am I complaining. and since I am complaining, I have to be the "conservative / controlling father "


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## manfromlamancha

Come on Andy - you know what you have to do here to take back control over your life as well as that of your kids. Dump her sorry ass. First document what she is doing with the kids and secure evidence to ensure you have custody when the divorce hits. What part of India are you from?


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## DownByTheRiver

Since they're separating men and women, don't know how she'd be having an affair. 

Anyway, this is the life she grew up with, I guess. Did you not already know they were like that before you married all those years ago? I'm sorry you have the mother living with you. Ugh. 

To be real, she has raised kids and has done her time having to be home, especially with twins. That can't be that much fun for anyone who is social to be stuck like that. What you want for her isn't what she wants and she's already done that for you and the kids. The kids are 10 now, and she has the ability not to be so tied to them. Anyone would take that opportunity. 

If you are really worried that she would have an affair at these things with her whole family breathing down her neck, the same family who separates men and women, then voice your concern on that, but it seems like there's no way she could do anything at all and keep it a secret as tied up as she likes to be with her family and friends. Cheating is wrong and I hope you're wrong about that. But she has every right to finally have some adult time with her friends and family. Sounds like she's had plenty of it with you and the kids already for 19 years, so I wouldn't get my feelings hurt about that you aren't all she needs.


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## Beach123

No reason to beg her to stay married. Just file for divorce and request from the court 100% visitation based on your wife’s partying consistently.

You can still be with your kids when you divorce. You can’t “nice her” into wanting to stay married.

She left the marriage a while back. She’s not marriage material now so no begging her.


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## andyannu

DownByTheRiver said:


> Since they're separating men and women, don't know how she'd be having an affair.
> 
> Anyway, this is the life she grew up with, I guess. Did you not already know they were like that before you married all those years ago? I'm sorry you have the mother living with you. Ugh.
> 
> To be real, she has raised kids and has done her time having to be home, especially with twins. That can't be that much fun for anyone who is social to be stuck like that. What you want for her isn't what she wants and she's already done that for you and the kids. The kids are 10 now, and she has the ability not to be so tied to them. Anyone would take that opportunity.
> 
> If you are really worried that she would have an affair at these things with her whole family breathing down her neck, the same family who separates men and women, then voice your concern on that, but it seems like there's no way she could do anything at all and keep it a secret as tied up as she likes to be with her family and friends. Cheating is wrong and I hope you're wrong about that. But she has every right to finally have some adult time with her friends and family. Sounds like she's had plenty of it with you and the kids already for 19 years, so I wouldn't get my feelings hurt about that you aren't all she needs.


so are you saying it is okay for a married woman to be out all night with girl friends every other week. And a husband should take this as normal behavior ?


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## andyannu

manfromlamancha said:


> Come on Andy - you know what you have to do here to take back control over your life as well as that of your kids. Dump her sorry ass. First document what she is doing with the kids and secure evidence to ensure you have custody when the divorce hits. What part of India are you from?


I really do not know "how to take control" back. I surely would like some suggestions


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## Prodigal

andyannu said:


> I really do not know "how to take control" back.


Actually, you can't take control back if what you mean by control is getting her in agreement with you. Ultimately, you can only control your own life. So what boundaries to you want to set? And with what consequences? Because from where I'm sitting, the chances are if you tell her you're not going to tolerate her crap, she'll ask for a divorce.

Bottom line: Decide what you are willing to tolerate. Set a boundary. Set consequences. Be prepared for fallout. She'll either start singing on the same page or she'll walk.

Think about what you ultimately want and the price you will pay for it. Seriously.


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## jlg07

DownByTheRiver said:


> Since they're separating men and women, don't know how she'd be having an affair.
> 
> Anyway, this is the life she grew up with, I guess. Did you not already know they were like that before you married all those years ago? I'm sorry you have the mother living with you. Ugh.
> 
> To be real, she has raised kids and has done her time having to be home, especially with twins. That can't be that much fun for anyone who is social to be stuck like that. What you want for her isn't what she wants and she's already done that for you and the kids. The kids are 10 now, and she has the ability not to be so tied to them. Anyone would take that opportunity.
> 
> If you are really worried that she would have an affair at these things with her whole family breathing down her neck, the same family who separates men and women, then voice your concern on that, but it seems like there's no way she could do anything at all and keep it a secret as tied up as she likes to be with her family and friends. Cheating is wrong and I hope you're wrong about that. But she has every right to finally have some adult time with her friends and family. Sounds like she's had plenty of it with you and the kids already for 19 years, so I wouldn't get my feelings hurt about that you aren't all she needs.


But here's the thing DBTR -- this, from what he said, seems to be every weekend PLUS now long trips away from each other, etc.. There is such a thing as TOO much family here -- she isn't just having adult time with her friends and family -- she is EXCLUDING him and not spending the time with him.
I could see a once a month or every couple of months, but not 2x per week. He may as well NOT be married to her since she seems to not have any interest in being around him


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## Marc878

andyannu said:


> I really do not know "how to take control" back. I surely would like some suggestions


You control yourself. Download and read “No more Mr Nice Guy” by glover. Its a free pdf download and short. That will get you started.


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## DownByTheRiver

jlg07 said:


> But here's the thing DBTR -- this, from what he said, seems to be every weekend PLUS now long tripes away from each other, etc.. There is such a thing as TOO much family here -- she isn't just having adult time with her friends and family -- she is EXCLUDING him and not spending the time with him.
> I could see a once a month or every couple of months, but not 2x per week. He may as well NOT be married to her since she seems to not have any interest in being around him


Sounds to me like for years she was stuck at home.


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## jlg07

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sounds to me like for years she was stuck at home.


I didn't get that impression that she didn't see her family for years, but I could be mistaken of course.
STILL doesn't excuse the 2x per week and long trips and ignoring her husband.


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## Beach123

You tell her if she doesn’t stop it and go back to being your wife and the kids Mother - you will divorce her.

I was with my then husband 27 years and never, ever did I consider this.

We went to a movie, a baseball game or to the beach - but never did we think it would be reasonable to stay away from the house past 11 or midnight.

If your wife wants to act like a single gal - make her a single gal.


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## D0nnivain

Why does it have to be all or nothing? Can you accept compromise? Would it be OK if she went to these parties every other weekend or if she went but came home at midnight / 1 a.m instead of all night? 

You seem resentful of her business & belittle her for not making enough & not letting her contribute financially to the household. You complain that this business takes time away from the kids & the family, presumably you. Instead of taking this away from her, why not sit down with her & re-do the business plan, maybe write a marketing plan & helping her grow the business into something you can both be proud of?

You can't confine her to what you see as her traditional role of wife & mother. She can't be only how you define her. She gets to make choices about her own life but give her a reason to want to be home with you. Stop trying to force her. 

She found these friends & an escape from the drudgery that was Covid lockdowns. Perhaps there was too much alcohol but expanding the social circle to afford mental health in a time of crisis seems healthier than isolation. People are social creatures. Not being out & about took a huge toll on people's mental health. 

This BS about you taking control back is a sure road to divorce. Part of the mess you are in was caused by your unwillingness to let your wife flourish independently. 

If you want your marriage to work you both need to work on a balance where you both get some of what you want -- her some time to party & you having her home more -- while you both give the other something that they want & not get everything you want. She's never going to stay home 100% of the time but if you approach this correctly she will be home more than she is now. You need to approach this from a place of love about her well being as opposed to you trying to put your foot down as the head of household who thinks he has the right to boss her around & bend her to your will without regard to what she wants.


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## andyannu

DownByTheRiver said:


> Sounds to me like for years she was stuck at home.


No she is not stuck at home. Her spa business where she spends 8 hours a day , six hours a week is basically socializing with other ladies. The spa business makes no more than minimum wage. She can easily do the business from a room at home which she selected so she could do home business. Some months she spends more on rent than the profit from the business. The business has been operating for 5 years now. Which I view as five years of socializing 8 hours a day


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## andyannu

andyannu said:


> No she is not stuck at home. Her spa business where she spends 8 hours a day , six hours a week is basically socializing with other ladies. The spa business makes no more than minimum wage. She can easily do the business from a room at home which she selected so she could do home business. Some months she spends more on rent than the profit from the business. The business has been operating for 5 years now. Which I view as five years of socializing 8 hours a day


She refuses to shut down her business on the weekend and be with kids at home. She wants to work ( or let me call it socailize with clients ) on both Saturday and Sundays and then go to a women's only party and send kids for a sleep-over. Then call husband boring and say the problem is that he does have friends he can go out with. Since covid started and kids do not have to be picked from school, she walks in everyday after 7 pm somedays at 8 pm. Then expects me to call all this behavior as qualities of a "good mother"


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## D0nnivain

andyannu said:


> No she is not stuck at home. Her spa business where she spends 8 hours a day , six hours a week is basically socializing with other ladies. The spa business makes no more than minimum wage. She can easily do the business from a room at home which she selected so she could do home business. Some months she spends more on rent than the profit from the business. The business has been operating for 5 years now. Which I view as five years of socializing 8 hours a day


Instead of belittling this dream, work with her to make this business profitable. Help her to achieve a balanced sense of self through achievement. 

Sounds to me like making this business profitable is better than her partying all the time. 

N.B. A service business like this must be open on weekends because that is when the clients have time off from their jobs to come & get the services. Weekends are the most profitable. 

You can't just make your wife stay home because that is where you think she belongs. No wonder she's going to these parties.


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## Elijah220

andyannu said:


> She refuses to shut down her business on the weekend and be with kids at home. She wants to work ( or let me call it socailize with clients ) on both Saturday and Sundays and then go to a women's only party and send kids for a sleep-over. Then call husband boring and say the problem is that he does have friends he can go out with. Since covid started and kids do not have to be picked from school, she walks in everyday after 7 pm somedays at 8 pm. Then expects me to call all this behavior as qualities of a "good mother"


Just from what you wrote I would tend to agree about you being too controlling.

You seem to belittle all she does. She tries to run her own Spa business, which is a lot of work. Instead of seeing and supporting this, you belittle it as her merely “socialising.” You also complain about the amount of money she makes from the business but then expect her to close during the weekends, (very busy and profitable spa days), to be home.

You admit you were a part of this party group for a while and ok with it. Then when you made your own decision to stop partaking in this, you expected her to do the same with no regard to her feelings.

If you want to save your marriage you need to understand that your wife is her own person. You do not own her. You need to decide what your own, reasonable boundaries are for your marriage, and she needs to decide what are hers. (Example: I can tolerate this, but not that). Then you need to have a very long conversation and decide if you both can respect and live within those boundaries.

As for the underage drinking parties…you are obviously aware this is happening, so it is BOTH of you who are at fault. You are more than capable of telling your 17 year old no, going to the party and bringing them home, or picking up the phone and reporting these parties to the police.


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## Robert22205

Why do the parties run all day and most of the night? What do they do? Are they drunk?

Do you and your wife take trips together, have a date night, or share a hobby - without the kids? (why not?)

IMO the time and effort she's investing in the parties and trips would be better invested in her marriage. However, that requires and effort on your part too. These parties have pushed you two apart and are driving a wedge into your marriage. You need to develop a plan that's more appealing than staying home with you watching TV.

And before you say it's too expensive. Rethink it. Investing in your marriage is much much cheaper both emotionally and financially (for your kids too) than divorce.


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## jlg07

andyannu said:


> on both Saturday and Sundays and then go to a women's only party and send kids for a sleep-over. Then call husband boring and say the problem is that he does have friends he can go out with.


So you need to just make it clear to your wife that it isn't the parties, or the job, or anything else. It is the lack of time that the two of you spend together. You NEED to spend time as a couple -- or when the kids are grown, there will be NO relationship anymore -- you will be two strangers with nothing in common. That doesn't mean just "sitting at home together" -- start planning interesting 'dates' for you both to do. Be creative and take what SHE likes to do into account.

As for the comments on the spa -- you are very negative on her job. "Socializing" is PART of a job like that -- if you don't create a good, friendly environment, nobody will want to return. I agree with the posters above -- start HELPING her with the business. Maybe get involved a bit there so that you can give her good ideas on how to increase her profits. STOP being negative about her business to her -- that will create a TON of resentment on her part against you.


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## andyannu

D0nnivain said:


> Instead of belittling this dream, work with her to make this business profitable. Help her to achieve a balanced sense of self through achievement.
> 
> Sounds to me like making this business profitable is better than her partying all the time.
> 
> N.B. A service business like this must be open on weekends because that is when the clients have time off from their jobs to come & get the services. Weekends are the most profitable.
> 
> You can't just make your wife stay home because that is where you think she belongs. No wonder she's going to these parties.


I have tried for 5 years telling her why her business model is not workable when rent , exceeds your take home profit. It is not about me asking her to stay home, it is she accepting that this model is not working and moving to something else. She is too attached to the business "like a investor attached to a losing stock" thinking it will come up. It has been five years and she still thinks this is good when it is sucking all life from our family and marriage


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## sokillme

You don't have a wife you have a teenage child.

Life is way to short.


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## sokillme

Elijah220 said:


> Just from what you wrote I would tend to agree about you being too controlling.
> 
> You seem to belittle all she does. She tries to run her own Spa business, which is a lot of work. Instead of seeing and supporting this, you belittle it as her merely “socialising.” You also complain about the amount of money she makes from the business but then expect her to close during the weekends, (very busy and profitable spa days), to be home.
> 
> You admit you were a part of this party group for a while and ok with it. Then when you made your own decision to stop partaking in this, you expected her to do the same with no regard to her feelings.
> 
> If you want to save your marriage you need to understand that your wife is her own person. You do not own her. You need to decide what your own, reasonable boundaries are for your marriage, and she needs to decide what are hers. (Example: I can tolerate this, but not that). Then you need to have a very long conversation and decide if you both can respect and live within those boundaries.
> 
> As for the underage drinking parties…you are obviously aware this is happening, so it is BOTH of you who are at fault. You are more than capable of telling your 17 year old no, going to the party and bringing them home, or picking up the phone and reporting these parties to the police.


Yeah every husband needs to encourage his wife's weekends of all night partying and failing business or he is controlling.


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## sokillme

andyannu said:


> I have tried for 5 years telling her why her business model is not workable when rent , exceeds your take home profit. It is not about me asking her to stay home, it is she accepting that this model is not working and moving to something else. She is too attached to the business "like a investor attached to a losing stock" thinking it will come up. It has been five years and she still thinks this is good when it is sucking all life from our family and marriage


Dude don't bother your wife is a child. She sees you like a parent. She doesn't care about what you say, like a child she needs consequences.


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## BigDaddyNY

andyannu said:


> so are you saying it is okay for a married woman to be out all night with girl friends every other week. And a husband should take this as normal behavior ?


What exactly goes on at these parties? It sounds like they are doing this for 24+ hours at times. That's some hard core partying. Are they just getting totally drunk or sipping coffee? You called them a stag party at one point. I'm not sure if you meant that in the typical American meaning of that term. Are there anything like strippers at these parties, or is it really just all the women?


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## MaiChi

All I will say is that if I had to stay at home jobless, I would quickly develop mental illness. The solution to be would be to start a home based project which at least breaks even. It would not matter so much about profit.


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## Elijah220

sokillme said:


> Yeah every husband needs to encourage his wife's weekends of all night partying and failing business or he is controlling.


Yes, because that is exactly what I said. Maybe learn to read!🙄🙄🙄


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## CountryMike

BigDaddyNY said:


> What exactly goes on at these parties? It sounds like they are doing this for 24+ hours at times. That's some hard core partying. Are they just getting totally drunk or sipping coffee? You called them a stag party at one point. I'm not sure if you meant that in the typical American meaning of that term. Are there anything like strippers at these parties, or is it really just all the women?


If I was the H, and for some reason hadn't kicked her out, I'd be known as the party H myself, as I'd go out whenever, wherever, with whoever, for as long ever as I wanted!!

And my schedule would be my own, period. I'd specifically go to places where her gfs hang out and party on.


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## D0nnivain

andyannu said:


> I have tried for 5 years telling her why her business model is not workable when rent , exceeds your take home profit. It is not about me asking her to stay home, it is she accepting that this model is not working and moving to something else. She is too attached to the business "like a investor attached to a losing stock" thinking it will come up. It has been five years and she still thinks this is good when it is sucking all life from our family and marriage


Have you done the work for her? Have you gone over the books with a fine tooth comb, maybe found a more affordable supplier? Researched how to increase revenue? Have you tried being her partner in this rather than a detractor? 

Telling her doesn't help. I get that it's frustrating but are there concrete steps you can to help her make this profitable? I'm envisioning turning around this business as something you two can do together. 

My sense is your wife needs an outlet. The business was probably shut during lockdowns & then she turned to these parties. The parties aren't good but the lady needs something apart from being a wife & mother. IMO it's healthier to encourage the business. 

Maybe instead of being annoyed all the time try signing her up for a consult with the local SBDC; sign her up for some SCORE workshops; buy her some books about running a business. _Birthing the Elephant _is great one about cost effective (cheap) marketing.


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## CountryMike

D0nnivain said:


> Have you done the work for her? Have you gone over the books with a fine tooth comb, maybe found a more affordable supplier? Researched how to increase revenue? Have you tried being her partner in this rather than a detractor?
> 
> Telling her doesn't help. I get that it's frustrating but are there concrete steps you can to help her make this profitable? I'm envisioning turning around this business as something you two can do together.
> 
> My sense is your wife needs an outlet. The business was probably shut during lockdowns & then she turned to these parties. The parties aren't good but the lady needs something apart from being a wife & mother. IMO it's healthier to encourage the business.
> 
> Maybe instead of being annoyed all the time try signing her up for a consult with the local SBDC; sign her up for some SCORE workshops; buy her some books about running a business. _Birthing the Elephant _is great one about cost effective (cheap) marketing.


I'm getting she works as hard as she wants to, to create a place for her to hang out, but won't be open to working harder to make a profit or grow the business. 

But all your advice is spot on if she's truly trying to be a businesswoman.


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## andyannu

sokillme said:


> You don't have a wife you have a teenage child.
> 
> Live is way to short.


I would have liked to believe that, but there are 7 other women who are doing similar thing. they all thought twice this month it is appropriate to be away from their husbands all night. to be fair at-least 5 of the other husbands had gone on a boys only weekend. I refused to go. So I am getting punished by my wife, and she cannot resist the peer pressure of not attending with her friends

To me this just play of being too rich. The husbands who went on the trip had too much money


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## jlg07

The H's may just WANT to get away from their wives.


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## sokillme

andyannu said:


> I would have liked to believe that, but there are 7 other women who are doing similar thing. they all thought twice this month it is appropriate to be away from their husbands all night. to be fair at-least 5 of the other husbands had gone on a boys only weekend. I refused to go. So I am getting punished by my wife, and she cannot resist the peer pressure of not attending with her friends
> 
> To me this just play of being too rich. The husbands who went on the trip had too much money


And they all probably have very ****ty marriages. Half of which end in divorce.

Besides if that is the way you feel why are you even posting?


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## andyannu

jlg07 said:


> The H's may just WANT to get away from their wives.


They husband do surely want to get away from their wives. But the wives are equally happy letting them get away, since that becomes an excuse for all night wives only party. Twice when this has happened, my teenager who can now drive, tells me she is also going to a similar all teenagers party - No permission asked. I cannot say no, because the same night mom has already left for Women only party. Not to mention younger kids have been sent to sleepover without my consent. I am the only one left at home to sulk and miss my family


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## andyannu

sokillme said:


> And they all probably have very ****ty marriages. Half of which end in divorce.
> 
> Besides if that is the way you feel why are you even posting?


I spoke to one man in the group and he seemed okay with his wife going to only women's party. I other seven couples seem to be participating well into this, without any affect on their marriages, I know of


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## andyannu

BigDaddyNY said:


> What exactly goes on at these parties? It sounds like they are doing this for 24+ hours at times. That's some hard core partying. Are they just getting totally drunk or sipping coffee? You called them a stag party at one point. I'm not sure if you meant that in the typical American meaning of that term. Are there anything like strippers at these parties, or is it really just all the women?


By stag parties I mean only men's or only women's parties. Men's parties are whiskey club where different whiskies are tried every month . Generally end between 1-2 am. The women's parties might be at home or a bar. Last two times, women's parties have been all night with women generally talking . I do not think anyone gets drunk. It is just women need each others company all night and I am the only husband from the 8 others, who minds this behavior


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## jlg07

andyannu said:


> They husband do surely want to get away from their wives. But the wives are equally happy letting them get away, since that becomes an excuse for all night wives only party. Twice when this has happened, my teenager who can now drive, tells me she is also going to a similar all teenagers party - No permission asked. I cannot say no, because the same night mom has already left for Women only party. Not to mention younger kids have been sent to sleepover without my consent. I am the only one left at home to sulk and miss my family


So stop sitting at home an sulking. You need to start pursuing YOUR OWN life and do things that YOU want to do.


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## D0nnivain

Just because the other husbands don't seem to mind, doesn't mean you have to be OK with it. 

I still think you need to talk to your wife about both of your expectations in this marriage. Some compromise will be in order because she needs the freedom to do her own thing -- which may be the business or may be these parties but you are entitled to the comfort & security of having your family around. I think you helping to make the business profitable & her going to some of the parties but coming home at a reasonable hour may work. Have you tried that?


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## drencrom

andyannu said:


> She has lied to me couple of times to be with these women. I feel she is having an affair, albeit a mental one


What were the lies?



> Since my wife is now doing a late night once a week my 17 year old is also doing the same. My wife says I am very controlling of her. According to her, the issue is not her "cheating with me", but me not having any friends. I feel as a married man with kids, doing stag parties is not right
> 
> Now she says she is thinking of separation, since my behavior has got too controlling. I have recently gone on two date nights with her only to be lied a day later so she could spend more time with women. I feel cheated and do not want to give up on my kids. Please advice


This is by no means an absolute, but this mimics my situation with my X to a T. Wants to party, does it a couple times a week, comes home very late, says its controlling if I think its too much even though I never forbid her to do anything. Then wants a separation...why? So she could f*** other guys and if I did find out pull the old Ross Gellar "we were on a break" ********.

IMO, she is cheating on you. If you find out she is cheating, it isn't you that gave up on the kids, it is her. Cheating is more important to her than her kids, or you.

If you can get her phone, if an iphone, get in her texts, click any texts from you, tap your profile at the top, then info. In that screen click "Share My Location" and you'll be able to see where she is. I think it shows a notification in text that she is sharing her location with you, see if you can get rid of that.


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## drencrom

andyannu said:


> She says I am too controlling if I do not let all kids and her party all night . I am conservative and old fashioned. If other 7 families are okay with this behavior, why am I the only one really being a "jerk"


She sounds like a child. Marriage is not for the weak or the selfish. She is definitely the latter.


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## drencrom

D0nnivain said:


> If you want your marriage to work you both need to work on a balance where you both get some of what you want -- her some time to party & you having her home more -- while you both give the other something that they want & not get everything you want.


Problem is, it sounds like she doesn't want any restrictions and doesn't care how he feels about it. So far she is getting what she wants and him nothing and she isn't going to budge.

To the OP, if you talk to her and she won't budge then its time to consider divorce. I personally think she is cheating, the story is all too familiar. But you need to get some proof.


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## drencrom

Beach123 said:


> You tell her if she doesn’t stop it and go back to being your wife and the kids Mother - you will divorce her.
> 
> I was with my then husband 27 years and never, ever did I consider this.
> 
> We went to a movie, a baseball game or to the beach - but never did we think it would be reasonable to stay away from the house past 11 or midnight.
> 
> If your wife wants to act like a single gal - make her a single gal.


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## BigDaddyNY

andyannu said:


> By stag parties I mean only men's or only women's parties. Men's parties are whiskey club where different whiskies are tried every month . Generally end between 1-2 am. The women's parties might be at home or a bar. Last two times, women's parties have been all night with women generally talking . I do not think anyone gets drunk. It is just women need each others company all night and I am the only husband from the 8 others, who minds this behavior


Are these types of single gender parties common in Asian communities? Just curious if this is a common cultural practice.


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## SunCMars

Seek out that _Lord Shiva _within you.

Be that dominant _Martian._

Control more of your own destiny, break free from your wife, that wayward _Kali.



King Brian-_


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## Kaliber

BigDaddyNY said:


> Are these types of single gender parties common in Asian communities? Just curious if this is a common cultural practice.


Yes, even more strict in the middle east, men have their own male only parties, women have their own female only parties if a man hovers around women parties he is f***ed (worked in the gulf states for years)



jlg07 said:


> So stop sitting at home an sulking. You need to start pursuing YOUR OWN life and do things that YOU want to do.


@andyannu, it's time for you to construct a new plan, because what your doing now is NOT WORKING, you need to do a 180 for you, example:
Hit the gym every day, higher a personal trainer, and start lifting weights, tone your body, be in the best shape you can, start new hobbies, with a personal trainer he can create a plan for you that will transform you in 3-6 months, work on different projects, that will get her attention and she will start paying full attention to you and her family or risk losing you for someone who is more young and hotter!
If this doesn't happen, then you already in a shape (physically and mentally) where you can easily move on with your life and start separation, not before!

What jlg07 said: *You need to start pursuing YOUR OWN life and do things that YOU want to do.*

Start a new topic here in the Men's Club forum section where you post about your progress. it's best your shot!


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## D0nnivain

drencrom said:


> Problem is, it sounds like she doesn't want any restrictions and doesn't care how he feels about it. So far she is getting what she wants and him nothing and she isn't going to budge.
> 
> To the OP, if you talk to her and she won't budge then its time to consider divorce. I personally think she is cheating, the story is all too familiar. But you need to get some proof.


Proof only matters if fault is required to obtain a divorce. In the US it's all no fault meaning why doesn't matter & the bad cheater doesn't get punished so proof is useless. 

My point about compromise is for both of them. Because he comes across as the guy who doesn't want his wife to work & who won't let her socialize at all. He wants her home all the time catering to him & subjugating her life to his. That is not right either.


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## Kaliber

D0nnivain said:


> My point about compromise is for both of them. Because he comes across as the guy who doesn't want his wife to work & who won't let her socialize at all. He wants her home all the time catering to him & subjugating her life to his. That is not right either.


He doesn't mind if she works or socialise:



andyannu said:


> I have tried for 5 years telling her why her business model is not workable when rent , exceeds your take home profit. It is not about me asking her to stay home, it is she accepting that this model is not working and moving to something else. She is too attached to the business "like a investor attached to a losing stock" thinking it will come up. It has been five years and she still thinks this is good when it is sucking all life from our family and marriage


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## ABHale

D0nnivain said:


> Why does it have to be all or nothing? Can you accept compromise? Would it be OK if she went to these parties every other weekend or if she went but came home at midnight / 1 a.m instead of all night?
> 
> You seem resentful of her business & belittle her for not making enough & not letting her contribute financially to the household. You complain that this business takes time away from the kids & the family, presumably you. Instead of taking this away from her, why not sit down with her & re-do the business plan, maybe write a marketing plan & helping her grow the business into something you can both be proud of?
> 
> You can't confine her to what you see as her traditional role of wife & mother. She can't be only how you define her. She gets to make choices about her own life but give her a reason to want to be home with you. Stop trying to force her.
> 
> She found these friends & an escape from the drudgery that was Covid lockdowns. Perhaps there was too much alcohol but expanding the social circle to afford mental health in a time of crisis seems healthier than isolation. People are social creatures. Not being out & about took a huge toll on people's mental health.
> 
> This BS about you taking control back is a sure road to divorce. Part of the mess you are in was caused by your unwillingness to let your wife flourish independently.
> 
> If you want your marriage to work you both need to work on a balance where you both get some of what you want -- her some time to party & you having her home more -- while you both give the other something that they want & not get everything you want. She's never going to stay home 100% of the time but if you approach this correctly she will be home more than she is now. You need to approach this from a place of love about her well being as opposed to you trying to put your foot down as the head of household who thinks he has the right to boss her around & bend her to your will without regard to what she wants.


It doesn’t sound like she is willing to compromise.


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## drencrom

D0nnivain said:


> Proof only matters if fault is required to obtain a divorce. In the US it's all no fault meaning why doesn't matter & the bad cheater doesn't get punished so proof is useless.


I'm not referring to proof from a legal standpoint. I'm talking from a standpoint of whether to leave her or not. 

But while on the subject in states that require "fault" for a divorce, its simple, all he'd have to do is claim mental cruelty. The court won't question it as they will never be able to prove it. Thats why "fault" states are idiotic. Mental cruelty can be the default for anyone, even if there was no mental cruelty.



> My point about compromise is for both of them. Because he comes across as the guy who doesn't want his wife to work & who won't let her socialize at all.


I'm not sure he indicated that she should never go out with friends. He said: "*I do not mind these people but I think meeting the same people twice a week a bit too much*." If someone wants to go out 3, 4, 5 times a week and not be with their spouse, something is wrong.

I think the issue is that she is doing it all too much, lying about her whereabouts, and coming home the next day.

As having experience with this, I believe she is cheating. I only suggested proof because if she is not cheating, then its a matter of compromise, as you said. But if she is, time to rid himself of her.


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## drencrom

sokillme said:


> You don't have a wife you have a teenage child.
> 
> Life is way to short.


Precisely. Just like my X wife. She wanted to act like a single woman. So I made an honest one out of her.


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## drencrom

BigDaddyNY said:


> What exactly goes on at these parties? It sounds like they are doing this for 24+ hours at times. That's some hard core partying.


And I highly doubt that a bunch of women are sitting around, getting drunk, partying for that extended period of time, all the way into the next afternoon, and there are absolutely no men involved. Or, I'm thinking these parties are just a front and she may not even be there the entire time.


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## Beach123

I wouldn’t be surprised if she is hiding profits from her business from you. No one willingly wants to work that much for minimum wage profits.

You are ONLY a victim of your OWN inaction. If you don’t like it then divorce her!


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## drencrom

Beach123 said:


> I wouldn’t be surprised if she is hiding profits from her business from you. No one willingly wants to work that much for minimum wage profits.
> 
> You are ONLY a victim of your OWN inaction. If you don’t like it then divorce her!


And if he does divorce her, he needs to have discovery done on that business.


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## MEA

andyannu said:


> We have been married for 19 year. We have a 17 year ready for college and 10 year old twins. Since my twins were born, my wife had to stop working . It took her 6 years to get back while we accumulated $30,000 in debt. Since last five years she started a business which barely makes minimum wage and requires her to work weekends and 6 days a week. I think her hours robs kids of their mother's time and have refused to accept any of her income to run the household last 5 years
> 
> We are Asians with a culture of living with parents. Both her and my mother have lived with us at-least since Covid began. since last five years we have got increasing close to 8 Asian families who at first seemed similar to ours. The only close friends my twins have is with one of these families
> 
> As covid started, these families decided not to abide by rules and by June 2020 were having parties both Saturday and Sunday without masks. I reluctantly went along. sometimes it was three days of partying with a kids birthday on Friday. These parties start at 9 pm and sometimes go till 3 am. The kids put in a different house in same neighbourhood and can have the blast till 3 am, since parents have decided this is the "right value"
> 
> I do not mind these people but I think meeting the same people twice a week a bit too much. Then they started having only girls and only boys alcohol parties separately. I do not drink alcohol but went to men's parties for about a year. Then the men wanted me to go for a 4 day trip at cost of $3000.My wife took a similar trip 2 years back with the women. I told my wife, I would rather spend $3000 on getting a new carpet for the house
> 
> When all men in the group, but me went for the weekend trip, the women decided to have an all night parties. This was the second time such party was being held. Whenever one of the husbands is way, that wife hosts an all night party. My wife feels enough attached to these women, to leave me alone at home all night. On one occasion she left at 2 pm on Saturday, texted me that she is not going to come that night at 10 pm and showed up on Sunday at 12 noon
> 
> She makes sure the kids are having a sleepover that night ( without my approval ) so I cannot accuse her of not taking care of kids. She has lied to me couple of times to be with these women. I feel she is having an affair, albeit a mental one
> 
> Since my wife is now doing a late night once a week  my 17 year old is also doing the same. My wife says I am very controlling of her. According to her, the issue is not her "cheating with me", but me not having any friends. I feel as a married man with kids, doing stag parties is not right
> 
> Now she says she is thinking of separation, since my behavior has got too controlling. I have recently gone on two date nights with her only to be lied a day later so she could spend more time with women. I feel cheated and do not want to give up on my kids. Please advice


I assume you are financing her partying since she basically makes minimum wage?
Pull the plug. It’s your money. Separate finances.
“You’re being too controlling” is a line rarely used by the correct people.
People who are being abused and controlled often have an overall bigger issue than simply the controlling part. Usually, it’s people who want to cross other people’s boundaries who will be the first to shout “You’re being controlling.” It’s gaslighting and a reverse control tactic.
Your wife is being controlling. She expects to be able to do whatever she wants regardless of how it affects you.
Stop combining your finances. Today.
Tell her that you have no interest in controlling her but will no longer pay for her selfishness. She is free to do what she wants and go where she wants as long as it’s on her own dime.


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## Kaliber

MEA said:


> I assume you are financing her partying since she basically makes minimum wage?
> Pull the plug. It’s your money. Separate finances.
> “You’re being too controlling” is a line rarely used by the correct people.
> People who are being abused and controlled often have an overall bigger issue than simply the controlling part. Usually, it’s people who want to cross other people’s boundaries who will be the first to shout “You’re being controlling.” It’s gaslighting and a reverse control tactic.
> Your wife is being controlling. She expects to be able to do whatever she wants regardless of how it affects you.
> Stop combining your finances. Today.
> Tell her that you have no interest in controlling her but will no longer pay for her selfishness. She is free to do what she wants and go where she wants as long as it’s on her own dime.


Preach!


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## Beach123

So your daughter ALSO disrespects you by not asking permission to go to a party.

Respect of you seems to be a BIG issue in your household. Why do you think they don’t respect you?


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## drencrom

Beach123 said:


> So your daughter ALSO disrespects you by not asking permission to go to a party.
> 
> Respect of you seems to be a BIG issue in your household. Why do you think they don’t respect you?


Like MEA suggested. Time to pull the plug. Separate the finances and if daughter and mother want to go party and disrespect the dad/husband, then mom can pay for it herself and give daughter the money she likely is demanding.


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