# Ex got engaged to mistress



## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I have been officially divorced almost 1 year and my ex just got engaged to the home wrecker he cheated on me with. I found out from his dad because he didn't have the balls to tell me himself. I'm having a hard time with this due to my 3 1/2 year old son. She tries to act like my son is hers. She just turned 40 and never had a child of her own because she was afraid of giving birth. She was also a "friend" of ours while we were married. I never really dealt with her after everything transpired but now I know for sure that I will have to deal with her at some point because of my son. The thought of it really makes me uneasy inside and makes me afraid of the person that it could bring out in me. 

I am currently in a relationship myself but am still struggling with things due to everything I went through (mental abuse, infedelity, and being lied to for 13 years). I am open to any suggestions.


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## Rizzo (Feb 14, 2016)

I am so sorry that you are going through this and I really understand the circumstances as I have gone through something similar. Have you considered going to counseling? I found that it was best to talk to a neutral third party to work out my feelings and actions about the situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I have recently been to see my doctor and was given a referral to see someone. I am planning on scheduling an appointment to see if someone can help me with this. My doctor also changed my medication to see if it would help more with my anxiety and depression.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Funny thing, I was at home taking care of our newborn while he was out playing softball every night and drinking. I was the responsible one. I know that part of our failed marriage was my fault. She also claimed to be my friend. I unfortunately suffered from postpartum depression which I don't wish upon anyone.


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## Rizzo (Feb 14, 2016)

Yes I would schedule an appointment to start counseling. That's also good that your doctor is switching your medications although you might feel worse for a time being before you start to see any improvements. 
I know it is a very tough time for you especially since you have a son. I would just take things slowly and a day at a time until you start counseling. And be sure to take extra care of yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I do try to focus on my son and taking one day at a time. Some days are better than others.


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## Rizzo (Feb 14, 2016)

How is your partner in all of this? Are they supportive?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The worst punishment that a couple cheaters could ever receive is to find themselves married to each other. Both end up with someone they can't trust. Better for two people to be miserable than four. Let fate, their stupidity, and the Good Lord handle this. I expect both will be wearing very long faces in the near future. Your son has a brain, eyes, and ears. He will learn for himself whom he can trust and who he can't. He will learn who has his back and who has selfish motives. Just be "mom" and let the fools of this world see to their own destruction. If you wished to devise a sinister plot to make them both miserable you couldn't find one more effective.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

He is very supportive of me and my son. Obviously this is not the ideal situation but he doesn't let it phase him. Sometimes I'm surprised that he stays around just because it can be difficult.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

agenda said:


> My suggestion is to stop using the term "home wrecker" to describe your ex's soon to be wife.
> 
> It's not her fault that your relationship with him was so full of problems that he sought relief elsewhere.
> 
> The lack of accountibility is simply dreadful and it won't do you any good to hold onto anger which is directed at an innocent bystander who had nothing to do with your failures.


This agenda you have. What is it? And why do you think we need to see it on display at TAM? :scratchhead:


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Thank you!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

As a man who is dealing with similar stuff, here is my suggestion:

Try to waste little thought on this person unless they're hurting your kids. Do things that make you happy and stay busy. 
A person shouldn't worry about things they can't change. If the woman is childless and treats your kids good, be happy. Because someone heartless and cruel could be their stepmother. I know because I had a stepmother like this.
Like I said. Don't let your mind focus on this. Move your thoughts toward things you're working on to make you happy. That should be plenty to occupy your mind or you're not doing enough.

And remember, your kids aren't stupid. They know the score. You're their mom. They know it.
There's nothing wrong with sharing your kids. You'll be doing it from now on, whoever is in their life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

agenda said:


> My suggestion is to stop using the term "home wrecker" to describe your ex's soon to be wife.
> 
> It's not her fault that your relationship with him was so full of problems that he sought relief elsewhere.
> 
> The lack of accountibility is simply dreadful and it won't do you any good to hold onto anger which is directed at an innocent bystander who had nothing to do with your failures.


Lol, your real name is Francisco Fullipoop, right?
Geez, she has every right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> If the woman is childless and treats your kids good, be happy. Because someone heartless and cruel could be their stepmother.


Back when I was having a hard time sharing my kids, someone told me that I should be happy my children had one more person to love them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> Lol, your real name is Francisco Fullipoop, right?
> Geez, she has every right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And how does Agenda know that the homewrecker is really just an " innocent bystander"?

Does Agenda know the players in this drama?

Might Agenda have a role in it themselves? 

Or else why would Agenda come in all guns blazing attacking someone he/she doesn't even know? Because that would be somewhat unusual, now wouldn't it? :scratchhead:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he were all that supportive of his wife and kid he wouldn't have a mistress. He weighed the benefits of having a full time son or having this woman and his son lost.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Agenda is a troll. He was using a different name yesterday. Probably already banned under that name and this is his new one.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Agenda is a troll. He was using a different name yesterday. Probably already banned under that name and this is his new one.


Yep, he's entirely too comfortable insulting people to have just gotten here.

Lenzi? Dat you? Or maybe Kingwood?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

3putt said:


> Yep, he's entirely too comfortable insulting people to have just gotten here.
> 
> Lenzi? Dat you? Or maybe Kingwood?


Or maybe the mistress in this story?

Wouldn't be the first time.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

agenda said:


> My suggestion is to stop using the term "home wrecker" to describe your ex's soon to be wife.
> 
> It's not her fault that your relationship with him was so full of problems that he sought relief elsewhere.
> 
> The lack of accountibility is simply dreadful and it won't do you any good to hold onto anger which is directed at an innocent bystander who had nothing to do with your failures.


Good lord.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Take heart in knowing that 80% of the cheating spouses who marry the person they were cheating with, end up divorced and paying two women alimony and perhaps child support.

So many people call their spouse's lover a home wrecker. They are not the ones who cheated, your spouse is. The blame is 100% his. If it were not her, it would have been someone else. She did not hold a gun to the head of your husband and force him to cheat. I think many people who are cheated on want to blame someone other than their cheating spouse. There is a reason for that. Instead of believing that your husband left you for someone he thinks is better, you rather think that he was stolen from you by a homewrecker. It makes us feel better to think something was taken rather than left on their own accord.

I knew a few married women over the last 50 years. My sister, my sister-in-law, my wife's friends and wives of my friends. In every case they decided to cheat before they even met someone else. They never met someone who twisted their arm to cheat. They were open to cheating, and would have found someone eventually. As I said, it makes us feel better about ourselves to thing that someone we loved was taken from us rather than left us. I never blamed the guys who cheated with my two exes. It was the exes who cheated on me, not the guys. We also like to think that it is the other person's fault because they should have turned your spouse away. That is not realistic. First off, more than half of the population cheats so he would have found someone else. Secondly, love does not care about a wedding ring. It is a chemical reaction and emotion that we feel that makes us make bad decisions. Everyone is capable of having sex with a married person. The only one who has the power to stop cheating is the cheating spouse; no one else.

May I also suggest that you stop letting your ex manipulate your emotions. I have seen divorced women living their lives hating and thinking about their exes every day. Thinking about how to sue them or get back at them someway. You would be far better off if you just chalked it up to a bad decision of who to marry and move on with your life. You seem to be letting your ex influence your mood and emotions and that leads to an unhappy life. Stop thinking that your husband would not have cheated unless he was somehow stolen away from you. Blame and then forget him. Also keep in mind that he will probably be divorced within the year. The best revenge is living a good life. Letting someone manipulate you in any way, makes them the winner and you the loser. Lead a good life and never look back. Good luck.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

agenda said:


> My suggestion is to stop using the term "home wrecker" to describe your ex's soon to be wife.
> 
> It's not her fault that your relationship with him was so full of problems that he sought relief elsewhere.
> 
> The lack of accountibility is simply dreadful and it won't do you any good to hold onto anger which is directed at an innocent bystander who had nothing to do with your failures.




I can't believe people still think issues in the marriage are the cause of affairs. 

Affairs are engaged in my selfish and unbalanced people who think the answer to their happiness is to connect with someone new. That their problems in the marriage may actually be helped by an affair. Sounds like some flawed logic. 

Isn't it easier and more honorable to say "Hey, babe...you an me been together a while...and i just aint feeling it anymore." 

Truth is cheaters are not willing to ask themselves tough questions about ego, anxiety or insecurity...ETC. no...they think "Cant be me! I just need someone to love me better!" 

No though of them loving their partners better...nada.... 

Affairs are conducted by shortsighted selfish OR broken people. And they chose to do it. no one puts a gun to their head and tells them to do it. :surprise:

Im just tired of people believing that logic.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I've relayed my childhood story here and there. My parents separated/divorced when I was 12/13. My younger brother was just 4/5. Both parents remarried within a year of divorce (both to coworkers). My father (and perhaps my mother) married his longtime affair partner of 10+ years.

My mother did not hide the fact that my father cheated on my mother from us. Casually used every R Rated word in the book to describe her for many many years. To this day. It's been 30 years. While I was certainly old enough to understand her anger, my brother was too young to understand. By and large when we were at our father and stepmothers she was very kind to us. Then when we went back to my mother's she would ask how our weekend went. Of course being 5 my brother wouldn't lie. He would tell her "Mary took us to the mall or Mary took us out to eat" this would then send my mother on one of her tirades - yelling and swearing at us for spending time with that wh0re slvt c--t you name it she said it. 

Luckily after a few years I was old enough to come and go as I pleased. However this was my brothers life for years. Every week or so for 15 years.

I guess to make a long story short. This woman has wronged you terribly. There is no excuse for her actions and stealing your husband. But like it or not she is marrying your sons father, so she will be part of his life. You don't need to socialize with her, or spend holidays with her. But for your sons sake, be polite, don't trash her in front of him, and don't make him feel guilty should he develop a relationship with her. 

Just my two cents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why don't you shift your perspective here? 

You didn't exactly lose nor did she gain a prize. She got a pos that ditched his kid and has no qualms about fvcking someone else. It's only a matter of time before he does it to her.

Nobody knows better then you what she got. 

And he got a ho who fvcks married men so he can't trust her either. 

Imagine what it'll be like for each of them to live with this once the honeymoon is over.

Pity them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

agenda said:


> My suggestion is to stop using the term "home wrecker" to describe your ex's soon to be wife.
> 
> It's not her fault that your relationship with him was so full of problems that he sought relief elsewhere.
> 
> The lack of accountibility is simply dreadful and it won't do you any good to hold onto anger which is directed at an innocent bystander who had nothing to do with your failures.


Of course it's partly her fault. She knew the guy was married and had a kid. She knew a relationship with him would endanger or ruin his marriage and harm his child. She is a co-conspirator in the destruction of a family. She may not be the primary or sole cause of the family's destruction but she certainly contributed to it.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

agenda said:


> My suggestion is to stop using the term "home wrecker" to describe your ex's soon to be wife.
> 
> It's not her fault that your relationship with him was so full of problems that he sought relief elsewhere.
> 
> The lack of accountibility is simply dreadful and it won't do you any good to hold onto anger which is directed at an innocent bystander who had nothing to do with your failures.



Seriously? Okay I'll go back and finish reading this thread, but first I have to say this is Bulls**t. The AP is not an innocent bystander. And it is not the OP's fault that her xh is cheating louse. 

Also, I hate that whole concept of "holding on to anger" Anger isn't something we hang on to. It's something that sits there, like burnt meatloaf in our stomach. Nobody want to feel angry, although anger is sometimes easier to feel than grief, betrayal, humiliation, depression. But the negative feelings have to be felt.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Okay, finished reading...

Here's my perspective...
I totally get it. I live in fear that I am going to find out that my ex is living with or going to marry his AP. And I don't even have to deal with him, because I managed to sever most connections. Thankfully we don't have children. 


Honestly, I don't think there is much you can do about your feelings. I think it's pretty normal to be upset about this. It re-opens wounds that are only barely starting to heal. 

I think that you should accept that you feel pretty crappy about this. It's pretty sh!tty. But it's not something you can control and eventually these feelings will be manageable, and hopefully fade to nothing. 

People are right that you want to do your best at not putting a lot of emotional energy into this, but it's hard and you are allowed a few days of having a pitty party before you pull up big girl panties and get on with your own life. 

For the sake of your child you are going to try to make the best out of a bad situation. You don't have to like it (and you probably won't) but you will do it, because you love your child. 

Get a mouth guard to save your teeth from all the times you will have to grit your teeth when dealing with the lying sack of Sh!t scumbag other wise known as your XH and his trash AP and FW.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

For my son's sake I make sure that I do not bad mouth my ex or his fiancee in front of my son. My son rarely talks about her but I know that this situation is not easy for him with all of the shuffling around and that this situation was not created by him. For whatever reason I tend to feel guilt because he has to go through this!


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

agenda said:


> My suggestion is to stop using the term "home wrecker" to describe your ex's soon to be wife.
> 
> It's not her fault that your relationship with him was so full of problems that he sought relief elsewhere.
> 
> The lack of accountibility is simply dreadful and it won't do you any good to hold onto anger which is directed at an innocent bystander who had nothing to do with your failures.


Is that you, Janet?

(Sounds an awful lot like something written by someone trying desperately to make herself feel better about the fact that she's helped destroy at least two lives because of her monumental selfishness.)


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I don't just blame her for the infedelity, I certainly blame my ex for being a selfish jerk! There was a 4th person involved because she was with her boyfriend for 8 years and we were all "friends". I was the one who had to tell him the truth about what was going on since the other 2 were spineless. He had no idea and she had given him an ultimatum of either quitting his job in which he traveled or her. Let me just add that she had previously been married and was cheated on.

I don't feel like she stole him away, but she definitely did not help anything. Having been verbally abused for a long time takes a toll along with your husband defending another woman to your face does not go away overnight.


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## Scarlet.Begonia (Feb 22, 2016)

No referring to her as a "home wrecker" takes much control and should be acknowledged as such without scolding the woman who was betrayed. Having no details, I think it's cruel to refer to the marriage failure as her problem and not the OW's. 
The other woman willingly and purposefully began a relationship with a liar, and who does that but a person with no scruples? 
Not trying to start a debate or anything, just standing up for the woman who is the victim here.
It will not last, if that gives you any peace. Even though my marriage is over, one thought that keeps me going in the direction of healing is knowing that it won't last. The OW in my situation (break up only 3 months ago) had the nerve to TEXT ME and say that they were "very happy and starting a life together." I doubt it. Married 19 years, and not yet divorced, but letting go and it feels better than I thought it would!


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## Scarlet.Begonia (Feb 22, 2016)

Sorry but why post under at least a dozen usernames? Are you getting banned a lot? Seriously wondering


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

agenda said:


> I have posted under dozen of user IDs on this forum but Janet was not one of them.


It was a joke, troll.

volley, I'm sorry you're here. I expect to find out any day now that my ex is engaged to the POS he left me and his 13-year-old son for, after knowing her for about a nanosecond, so believe me, I can imagine what you're feeling.

The only thing that's my and volley's fault in either of our situations is that we didn't see that we'd married cold-hearted snakes who ironically crave constant attention and validation (otherwise known as narcissists) until it was too late.

I understand that he's shattered your trust, volley, and left an indelible mark on your psyche. And I understand your horror at the thought that this woman will now have to be part of your son's life (and because of that, a peripheral part of yours, too).

When I get overwhelmed by feelings like these of my own, I remember that I grew up with a stepmother. She wasn't the one my Dad left my Mom for - she came along after that one crashed and burned. She was my stepmother for 42 years, since I was 7. She never replaced my mother. I lost my mother when I was 26 - my stepmother passed when I was 48. It's my mother's words of wisdom I remember. It's her unwavering love for and faith in me I remember in hard times, not my stepmother's. My stepmother wasn't a terrible parent, and I know she sacrificed a lot for me. We eventually came to be friends for the last few years of her life. But she never knew me like my Mom did.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

agenda said:


> All of my user names are banned except this one.


That is not something to be proud of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> That is not something to be proud of.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But its HONEST. :rofl:


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I wouldn't be feeling too bad about your ex remarrying the OW. The odds are the marriage isn't going to last. The divorce rate is very high for marriages that start out as affairs. How can they trust each other? They are both cheaters most of the time. What's the saying "If they will cheat with you they will cheat on you". The best revenge is to live a good life.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Another thought that makes me feel better, volley: If it doesn't work out between my ex and his AP, as much as that would give me great glee for a little while, what would happen next? He'd find someone who doesn't know anything about her or me, and would be free to pretend to her that he never had an A or an AP. Unless I or someone else told her out of turn, she would never know that he is a cheater. (Until of course, he cheats on her, which is inevitable, because one person will never be enough to satisfy his need for constant validation.)

The AP starts out knowing that, and knowing deep down that she is a POS, too. Unless she is utterly without any conscience, and even then, she starts out knowing what he is capable of. She can try to rationalize it away all she wants - "He'll never cheat on ME, because I won't be a crappy wife to him like his other wife was." But deep down, she'll have that nagging thought that if he could lie to his previous wife and mother of their child about her, isn't it possible that he's been lying to her, too?

The AP can never have a 100% happy, carefree life with him, because he will always have to choose between her and his previous family. Unless he utterly turns his back on his son, in which case she'll have to know deep down that she's the reason for that.

See, she'll live that Karma every.single.day. She'll feel like she has to constantly prove to him that she was worth the destruction of his family. A new person he meets if it doesn't work out between the two of them won't have to live with that guilt and insecurity.

I find myself almost kind of hoping, now, that my ex is stupid enough to marry this woman. They will both suffer far more for ending up with each other than moving on to someone they didn't have to cheat to get.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Hey dont be sad my Lady. You should feel lucky,because they deserved each other. 

You get rid of cheating husband and you get rid of fake friend. I see this as a positive thing 

Now you got your son and all you have to do is put your life in right track. Trust me you are going to find yourself a better man.

Take care my Lady and dont fall into depresion. Spend your time with your son,close friend or even your current boyfriend.


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

volley said:


> Funny thing, I was at home taking care of our newborn while he was out playing softball every night and drinking. I was the responsible one. I know that part of our failed marriage was my fault. She also claimed to be my friend. I unfortunately suffered from postpartum depression which I don't wish upon anyone.


Re postpartum: my wife went through that big time with our second kid and the best solution I've seen is women who have their *placenta encapsulated. *That saved us on the 3rd baby. I basically force every woman in our extended family to do it.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I went to a concert on Thursday night where my ex and his fiancee attended, unfortunately I saw them from across the arena and I'm pretty sure they saw me because my boyfriend said that they were pointing at me. I tried to enjoy the concert but it was very difficult because it brought up a lot of feelings/pain. My ex and I had attended quite a few of these concerts together when we were married and then seeing him with her just hurt. Why does this happen? They both disgust me but I guess things just don't go away!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

unbelievable said:


> The worst punishment that a couple cheaters could ever receive is to find themselves married to each other. Both end up with someone they can't trust. Better for two people to be miserable than four. Let fate, their stupidity, and the Good Lord handle this. I expect both will be wearing very long faces in the near future. Your son has a brain, eyes, and ears. He will learn for himself whom he can trust and who he can't. He will learn who has his back and who has selfish motives. Just be "mom" and let the fools of this world see to their own destruction. If you wished to devise a sinister plot to make them both miserable you couldn't find one more effective.


--------------------------------------------------------------


I witnessed this same dynamic with my son-in-law. His father cheated with another women [divorced] and he ended up marrying her. My son-in- law, now 36 years old, has never forgiven either. He is polite about it and maintain NC as much as possible. SIL's father knows the reason and it bothers him and bothers his wife [other cheater]. Cheating consequences often never fade.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

volley said:


> I went to a concert on Thursday night where my ex and his fiancee attended, unfortunately I saw them from across the arena and I'm pretty sure they saw me because my boyfriend said that they were pointing at me. I tried to enjoy the concert but it was very difficult because it brought up a lot of feelings/pain. My ex and I had attended quite a few of these concerts together when we were married and then seeing him with her just hurt. Why does this happen? They both disgust me but I guess things just don't go away!


Ah, but you got the ultimate revenge. He and the OW saw you moving on with your life. Look at this in a positive light. 

Oh, I see it. It brought up feelings of pain. You must get to the indifferent stage. Do not let him be an emotional vampire; sucking out your good feelings. He cannot do this unless you still have "love" for him. How can you love someone who totally trashed your dreams, your loyalty. He does not deserve to be in your thoughts, save for contempt, better to be indifferent. 

It bothers him too, I guarantee it. You were true. He let you down.

Only one with no conscience would/could.. ignore/deflect this reality.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

My ex husband did not have an affair, but he married a woman that I cannot STAND. It was almost as big a slap in the face as him marrying an AP. (She's his best friends twin sister, she was around our whole marriage).

I literally vomited when he told me they were dating.

10 years later, they can't stand each other. He finally long ago saw her for the spoiled little ***** I always knew she was. My kids hate her, my ex husbands father referred to her as Cruella DeVille before he passed away. She's driven a wedge between him and his mom. None of their friends like her, she has no friends. I have heard stories through mutual friends that she locks herself in the bedroom and he removes the doors from the hinges to get her out. She's anorexic and psycho. 

In short, he's miserable. 

It's called karma. Your exes is coming. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Try feeling sorry for her. Nobody knows better than you what a worthless pos she's getting. 

Women are competitive and tend to imagine that ow got this great guy and they didn't. In reality ow got a cheating pos who ditched his wife snd newborn to do him. He'll do that to her too.

Wish her luck. 

"Men who burn so hot for a mistress cool off fast when the mistress starts acting like a wife".

-She Devil
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm so sorry this happened.  But, one thing is for certain, if he would do it with her, he will do it to her. This is why marriages that stem from affairs fail more than first marriages. When cheaters realize that the marriage they left wasn't the reason for their cheating, it's often a rude awakening. Offering up prayers for you to find solace during this tough time in your life. ((hug))


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I agree with Agenda that you try to maintain cordial relations, lessen the tension for your son, and realize most people do not want to hear you complain about your ex. I know a woman in a similar situation who would refer to "the father and the girlfriend", spending a 1/4 century lamenting. You do not want your child in the middle of the crossfire, where you tell him how bad his father is, file stressful motions, limit contact, etc.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

threelittlestars said:


> I can't believe people still think issues in the marriage are the cause of affairs.
> 
> Affairs are engaged in my selfish and unbalanced people who think the answer to their happiness is to connect with someone new. That their problems in the marriage may actually be helped by an affair. Sounds like some flawed logic.
> 
> ...


Well here I am :nerd:, 

I believe a lot of the time issues in the marriage are the cause of affairs. Mind you, under issues I reckon also not adressed subjects in the relation that have to be adressed to have a healthy marriage/relation.

I also want to be quite logic. I see an almost mechanical failure of a lot of relations happening because of a growing lack of communication. Like a new car not getting maintenance wil be running bad over the years and finally end up broken on the side of the road. When this process happens in a relation, the probability of affairs grows sky high nowadays. 

Now shoot...


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Well here I am :nerd:,
> 
> I believe a lot of the time issues in the marriage are the cause of affairs. Mind you, under issues I reckon also not adressed subjects in the relation that have to be adressed to have a healthy marriage/relation.
> 
> ...


Are you serious? How callous and uncaring can you be?!?!? Are you even aware you are posting a rebuttal on a BS's accountability towards her WS's decision to cheat? Have you even read her posts and seen her pain and hurt, yet still decide to toss a little more her way? I cannot urge you enough to move your thread Jack to a new post so you can discuss your ideology to your heart's content without dragging someone else further down the rabbit hole so you can be "right".

Op, please know it is not your fault hour Ex cheated, that's on him. Also please disregard anyone who says a "bad" marriage is an excuse to cheat, to be honest I'm sure they're cheaters themselves trying to justify things. A bad marriage is an "excuse" for divorce or marriage counseling, not "cake eating"! 

_Posted via Mobile Device_ _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I understand how you feel! You've been betrayed and hurt deeply. Betrayal cuts deeply regardless of who causes it. We know that you aren't sad over your ex per say but the pain from the trauma of what happened to you. Again, if nobody understands - I do!

They are not running off into the sunset. They will never trust each other fully. If he hasn't cheated on her yet, he will. Your son will always be that. She can only dream.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Well here I am :nerd:,
> 
> I believe a lot of the time issues in the marriage are the cause of affairs. Mind you, under issues I reckon also not adressed subjects in the relation that have to be adressed to have a healthy marriage/relation.
> 
> ...


There is no such thing as a perfect marriage because you have two imperfect people.
of course having said that there will be times partners feel unloved, neglected or un appreciated. They have a choice, do something about it within the marriage or be short sighted, self centred and seek their needs elsewhere (ie affair). However, in their selfish stupidity they do not realise that the problems in the marriage are partly theirs and will be carried into the next relationship or marriage. It is never the fault of the BS that the WS has an affair, ever! That is totally their choice and their action. For example, if everyone followed your logic then all imperfect partners would be having affairs,


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

OP, it is natural to feel the way you do. However, in the interests of your son, try to be civil. It does not mean who have to be friendly or nice to her, be pragmatic. AND she is a home wrecker, any self respecting female or so called 'friend' would not go after another woman's husband. They both deserve each other and the karma bus will get them eventually, you can count on it.

And in response to the poster who said you shouldn't feel this way, I wonder how they would feel about dealing with their ex's lover, people can talk big until they are put in the same position themselves.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I'm a step-parent to two great kids. I knew going into it that my wife's ex wouldn't trust me or like me, and it's still that way (but to a lesser extent now).

It sucks for both parties - the biological parent and the step-parent.

Early on, I always felt like I was stepping on toes, or being more of a parent than I was "allowed" to be. Not from my wife, of course, but from her ex. Her ex has had a LTR with a woman who does NOT act like a step-parent to the kids, as that is likely how he wants it. They all live together, but she tends to stay in the background and seems to be more a glorified babysitter than anything. She seems fine with this. Therefore, he assumes my role should be similar.

Over the 8 years in which I've been a step-parent, anything and everything seems to be a competition for him, which is silly.

Furthermore, he will STILL only speak to my wife about things, bypassing me entirely. The silver lining to this is that the kids are old enough now to see these things happen (the lack of respect for me) and they both think it's silly.

But more importantly, my wife and I don't bad mouth him, roll our eyes, or anything of the sort. We let him do his thing. Meanwhile, when they're with him, the opposite is true - we've heard this from them over the years.

So over here, they have two loving, caring parents. Over there, they have one and a babysitter, and they pick up on his insecurities.

In any case, OP's situation is different in that these were affair partners, and the OW was a "friend", which adds a whole other dimension to how OP will feel about a new step-parent. And that sucks.

I've put myself in my wife's ex's shoes, and I understand where he's coming from and give him some slack. I don't like it, but it is what it is. OP will have to do the same in her case. But the difficult part is WHO she is.

If OP can separate those two things, that would be ideal. Not easy, but it must be done.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

volley said:


> I went to a concert on Thursday night where my ex and his fiancee attended, unfortunately I saw them from across the arena and I'm pretty sure they saw me because my boyfriend said that they were pointing at me. I tried to enjoy the concert but it was very difficult because it brought up a lot of feelings/pain. My ex and I had attended quite a few of these concerts together when we were married and then seeing him with her just hurt. Why does this happen? They both disgust me but I guess things just don't go away!



I hope your ex and his #SkankyMistressFiance get all the happiness they deserve.

I was out with my now ExGf and she went pale when she saw her ex ( and two new kids) in a restaurant just as we sat down . 
There was no difficulty in deciding to leave. 

It is probably best to avoid all the places you may see themas it is incredibly difficult. You know you don't get points for putting yourself through it! 

It is incredibly insensitive of your ExH to take his #skankymistressfiance to places you used to go as a married couple. 
This is not a surprise though is it.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

always_hopefull said:


> Are you serious? How callous and uncaring can you be?!?!? .......
> 
> ......Op, please know it is not your fault hour Ex cheated, that's on him. Also please disregard anyone who says a "bad" marriage is an excuse to cheat, to be honest I'm sure they're cheaters themselves trying to justify things. A bad marriage is an "excuse" for divorce or marriage counseling, not "cake eating"!


Fault, Cause and Excuse are all different things. You use them inappropriate in the mechanics of affairs. If you want only emotional ranting about the case, be my guest.

If you want to react on my post, use some logic.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

aine said:


> There is no such thing as a perfect marriage because you have two imperfect people.
> of course having said that there will be times partners feel unloved, neglected or un appreciated. They have a choice, do something about it within the marriage or be short sighted, self centred and seek their needs elsewhere (ie affair). However, in their selfish stupidity they do not realise that the problems in the marriage are partly theirs and will be carried into the next relationship or marriage. It is never the fault of the BS that the WS has an affair, ever! That is totally their choice and their action. For example, if everyone followed your logic then all imperfect partners would be having affairs,


That is really not my logic, and does not follow logically from what I said, but I understand I refer to "logic" in the wrong place...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

But the good news is that now she is officially his fiancé she can't just send him back to you!

You are free of him! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

@volley. Try to maintain your dignity in front of your son always, especially when WS & OW are present. You will have to grit your teeth. 

Hold your head high so your little one can see what a great Mom he has. Even at 3 yrs old, they pick up on things. My daughter and youngest did at that age when we divorced. 

My 3 children are now grown. They still mention how amazing I was, the way I was always polite with my ex and his gfs - he has gone through a string of them ever since. They also know how emotionally abusive he was and about his EA even though I didn't tell them. Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for. They also say they didn't even feel as if they were from a broken home unlike many of their friends who had to endure hostility as they grew up. 
She's just a skank. When he's older he will know that no matter how hard she tries to 'nice' him. 

What I'm saying is for YOU and your little boy. 

Try to find a way of letting your steam off, to a close friend or a counsellor, or even the gym.
My best to you and your boy.


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