# I am afraid to go to marriage counseling



## lisa3girls

as there are a couple of things I just refuse to make changes to--- and I am afraid I will be forced.

I am the family breadwinner...dh has been home with the kids for many years. My youngest is a competitive athlete--- she is really good, like really good. It is costly, but we can afford it and it is a bit of a pain that we have to drive her to train 5 days a week. But...it is important to her, it is important to me to support it and we can afford it. I forgo anything for me to do it (like I don't play golf, I don't go on fancy vacations or drive a nice car). He still has a motorcycle, lots of sporting equipment (hunting, fishing, ice fishing), is a member of the local fish and game club and does stuff with his friends all the time. I do almost ALL of the shuttling etc. for sport. 

My hubby complains about it...mostly about the time, but also about the money. For me, this think is JUST not negotiable, so I am hesitant to go... is that stupid?


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## Niceguy13

if everything is as you say it is, yes. If anything he is going to be torn a new one about how you have made all the sacrifices and he has made none. OkMC shouldn't be about tearing a new one but he needs a new one torn.


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## lisa3girls

Niceguy13 said:


> if everything is as you say it is, yes. If anything he is going to be torn a new one about how you have made all the sacrifices and he has made none. OkMC shouldn't be about tearing a new one but he needs a new one torn.



I am sure somehow he doesn't see it that way.


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## 827Aug

I certainly wouldn't allow that one issue to put counseling out of reach. Obviously there are much bigger problems at work in your marriage. I clearly see resentment as the top of the pile. The counselor is going to help with those underlying problems first. You may want to find a counselor and go to a few sessions before asking your husband to go. That may help your comfort zone a bit.

As for your daughter's athletic abilities......Since she is so talented, is there a chance she could get a college scholarship?


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## lisa3girls

827Aug said:


> I certainly wouldn't allow that one issue to put counseling out of reach. Obviously there are much bigger problems at work in your marriage. I clearly see resentment as the top of the pile. The counselor is going to help with those underlying problems first. You may want to find a counselor and go to a few sessions before asking your husband to go. That may help your comfort zone a bit.
> 
> As for your daughter's athletic abilities......Since she is so talented, is there a chance she could get a college scholarship?


Nope, wrong sport...but she is the kind of kid that would probably be happy going to a local college (wouldn't cost too much). I just feel like I have nothing for me, and I don't want to fight about the things I do enjoy doing with my salary.


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## marshalAK

lisa3girls said:


> as there are a couple of things I just refuse to make changes to--- and I am afraid I will be forced.
> 
> I am the family breadwinner...dh has been home with the kids for many years. My youngest is a competitive athlete--- she is really good, like really good. It is costly, but we can afford it and it is a bit of a pain that we have to drive her to train 5 days a week. But...it is important to her, it is important to me to support it and we can afford it. I forgo anything for me to do it (like I don't play golf, I don't go on fancy vacations or drive a nice car). He still has a motorcycle, lots of sporting equipment (hunting, fishing, ice fishing), is a member of the local fish and game club and does stuff with his friends all the time. I do almost ALL of the shuttling etc. for sport.
> 
> My hubby complains about it...mostly about the time, but also about the money. For me, this think is JUST not negotiable, so I am hesitant to go... is that stupid?


No one is going to force you to change anything. It's still your life and that's entirely within your control. What it may come down to though is making uncomfortable choices that are for the better good. Clearly you aren't happy now - counseling is a great way to sort your way through those feelings and come to a course of action that you feel suits you and your situation. 

Why is it though that he has "all the nice stuff" and you don't? Is there anything that you do or have - time with the kids, etc - that he might wish he had? I ask this in an effort to see that maybe it's not just you who's made sacrifices - and toys are a pretty lonely bunch of company at night.


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## lisa3girls

marshalAK said:


> No one is going to force you to change anything. It's still your life and that's entirely within your control. What it may come down to though is making uncomfortable choices that are for the better good. Clearly you aren't happy now - counseling is a great way to sort your way through those feelings and come to a course of action that you feel suits you and your situation.
> 
> Why is it though that he has "all the nice stuff" and you don't? Is there anything that you do or have - time with the kids, etc - that he might wish he had? I ask this in an effort to see that maybe it's not just you who's made sacrifices - and toys are a pretty lonely bunch of company at night.


Maybe, I don't really know...the thing is, year ago, he created this environment where it was a big deal if I said ANYTHING or didn't like him doing WHAT he wanted WHEN he wanted, whether that be hunting, fishing, going out with the guys etc. He always said 'amuse yourself' - don't expect ME to have to be around to entertain you. So, as my girls got older, and they got into their sports and such, I started to enjoy being with them and supporting them in what they do. I started making plans with the girls, doing what we wanted because I was told, AMUSE myself, as he was going to do what he was going to do when he wanted to do so-- now I think he got what he wanted and he doesn't like it.


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## VLR

Is your marriage where it needs to be other than the budget issue?

Is there some reason why you wouldn't at least tolerate a conversation on the subject even if you are unwilling to change?

If he feels so strongly about it that he is willing to go to counseling are you sure you want to refuse?

If you are 100% right and he is 100% wrong what could it hurt?

If there are bigger issues in your marriage can you afford not to do it?


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## magnoliagal

I went into counseling a long time ago thinking my ways were "non negotiable" too. I changed within just a few months once I saw his point of view. My guess is your fear is that he's right in some way and you fear that it will mean giving up something you hold dear. But what about a compromise? You've left no room for balance. You are looking at this as either your way or his not both. Try to have a more open mind.


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## lisa3girls

magnoliagal said:


> I went into counseling a long time ago thinking my ways were "non negotiable" too. I changed within just a few months once I saw his point of view. My guess is your fear is that he's right in some way and you fear that it will mean giving up something you hold dear. But what about a compromise? You've left no room for balance. You are looking at this as either your way or his not both. Try to have a more open mind.


I have compromised, he hasn't-- but finally he is starting to. I offered an Olive branch about the older daughter and the horse, and I think just maybe he is seeing that he wasn't listening to me and what I thought was important either. He finally suggested we sell the house in the stix and move closer to things (which is what I want). It will cut down on our expense alot too.


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