# Husband cheated



## Summer08 (May 25, 2021)

Hi,
My marriage has been difficult. I met my husband in my home country of Australia and we decided after a year of dating to get married and move to Malta (his home country). He had visa issues so we really had to go if we were to stay together.
I suffer from depression and anxiety and he really tried to help me in Malta, taking me for treatments for many months. Unfortunately it wasn’t enough and I attempted suicide by overdose and ended up in hospital. He didn’t handle this experience well at all, thinking it was betrayal and I wanted to leave him. He was very angry and talked about divorce, but was also saying he still loved me. He was totally confused.
I was desperate and not knowing what to do I bought a plane ticket back to Australia as I knew I needed to be in my home country. But I never ever really wanted to leave him, not knowing when I might see him again. A week before I was due to fly out I told him I’d changed my mind and I couldn’t go, he told me “at this point I think you should go”. So I stubbornly then went as he didn’t try to fight for me.
In Australia I was miserable but I got a job and a place and saved vigorously for the partner visa and money to support him to join me. Little did I know it would take 1 and 1/2 years for him to join me. During that time he cheated, only telling me about it 3 years later (now). This is what happened. He says he was in a stressful job. One night after work he walked out with his female colleague and they sat down together. She started kissing him and he fell to it and kissed her back. It lasted half an hour before he told her it was a mistake and they went their separate ways. It was her last day at that job and they didn’t exchange numbers or stay in contact.
I am so hurt and struggling to forgive this betrayal. Kissing is so intimate and I never could have imagined that my husband would do this to me. 😞
He has been loyal since in joined me in Australia two years ago, but this has really hurt me.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Summer08 said:


> Hi,
> My marriage has been difficult. I met my husband in my home country of Australia and we decided after a year of dating to get married and move to Malta (his home country). He had visa issues so we really had to go if we were to stay together.
> I suffer from depression and anxiety and he really tried to help me in Malta, taking me for treatments for many months. Unfortunately it wasn’t enough and I attempted suicide by overdose and ended up in hospital. He didn’t handle this experience well at all, thinking it was betrayal and I wanted to leave him. He was very angry and talked about divorce, but was also saying he still loved me. He was totally confused.
> I was desperate and not knowing what to do I bought a plane ticket back to Australia as I knew I needed to be in my home country. But I never ever really wanted to leave him, not knowing when I might see him again. A week before I was due to fly out I told him I’d changed my mind and I couldn’t go, he told me “at this point I think you should go”. So I stubbornly then went as he didn’t try to fight for me.
> ...


I am sorry you are here. He is stating they just kissed?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

What was the agreement regarding fidelity when you told him that you were leaving him in Malta?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think you both need counselling. If it really was only kissing then....but not so sure. You are not responsible for your depression but are responsible for not thinking through the ramifications of moving to a culture u did not know, with no job etc. You both sound a bit immature And really need to make better life decisions.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I personally have zero tolerance for infidelity, but your circumstances are a bit of a gray area. And Sfort's question is very relevant. Did you leave the country with a clear and mutual expectation that you were remaining married and all vows were to continue? The fact that he stopped short of sexual intercourse, assuming he is being truthful, makes a difference too. If I were in your shoes I would be filled with all kinds of bad emotions, but I'm not sure I would immediately divorce.


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## Summer08 (May 25, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I personally have zero tolerance for infidelity, but your circumstances are a bit of a gray area. And Sfort's question is very relevant. Did you leave the country with a clear and mutual expectation that you were remaining married and all vows were to continue? The fact that he stopped short of sexual intercourse, assuming he is being truthful, makes a difference too. If I were in your shoes I would be filled with all kinds of bad emotions, but I'm not sure I would immediately divorce.


When I left Malta we were on unstable ground, due to the suicide attempt. But it was an unspoken agreement that we would remain married and faithful to one another (I checked with him and he agrees on this). He was going to eventually follow me here, and we video called each other every single day. He doesn’t know why he cheated.
I am filled with all kinds of bad emotions, and the feeling I had for him is gone, although I still love him. 😞


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## Summer08 (May 25, 2021)

Sfort said:


> What was the agreement regarding fidelity when you told him that you were leaving him in Malta?


There was an unspoken agreement that we would remain married and faithful to one another (he agrees on this point, and doesn’t know why he cheated).


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## Summer08 (May 25, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I am sorry you are here. He is stating they just kissed?


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## Summer08 (May 25, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I am sorry you are here. He is stating they just kissed?


Yes they just kissed... for half an hour


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## Summer08 (May 25, 2021)

aine said:


> I think you both need counselling. If it really was only kissing then....but not so sure. You are not responsible for your depression but are responsible for not thinking through the ramifications of moving to a culture u did not know, with no job etc. You both sound a bit immature And really need to make better life decisions.


I do believe it was only kissing, I don’t think he would lie to me if it had gone further. After all, he could have not told me about the kissing at all but decided to come clean. Not that telling me makes it any more acceptable. We are going to try counselling.
I was afraid of the ramifications of moving to a new culture, however I loved him and didn’t want to lose him. We had our backs to the wall.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I apologise in advance for an alternative view which may upset you but, as you have chosen to come on this site, I think you need to hear this. The big assumption is that there is nothing more about this story that you are not telling us about.

Firstly, I fully recognise depression and anxiety are not something to be taken lightly. I also recognise and give credit for the hard work you put in to help get your husband to Australia BUT…..

1) you put your husband through hell during your time in Malta yet, according to your post, he was there to support you throughout it all:
2) You b*gger off back home, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to follow you for some time and, I suspect, with him not actually knowing whether he still had a marriage:
3) He uproots his own life to come to Australia, away from his roots, family etc to be with you which, incidentally, is something you couldn’t hack:
4) During a 1 1/2 year separation, given the above, all he does is kiss a woman:
5) He has been faithful in the two years he has been in Australia where, presumably, the two of you have been happy:
6) You don’t say if you had any relationships or cheated in anyway whilst separated.

To be blunt, from what you have described in your post, I think you are pretty lucky to still have him in your life and he far from deserves the treatment you are giving him at the moment. You have put him through a lot worse, a lot, lot worse. You have a good man here yet your over reaction and failure to acknowledge what you put him through are likely to unnecessarily kill off your marriage.

Can I ask if you have ongoing mental health problems and, if so, are you getting treated for them? If so, is this the reason why you have reacted in the way you have? Not being nasty or unkind, just trying to help find a way forward.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Summer08 said:


> There was an unspoken agreement that we would remain married and faithful to one another (he agrees on this point, and doesn’t know why he cheated).


Actually, there was not an "unspoken agreement" to remain faithful. You had a spoken agreement at your wedding ceremony to remain married and faithful to each other.

However, the situation could be saved with openness, honesty and discussion between you and counselling as individuals and as a couple.


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## Summer08 (May 25, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, there was not an "unspoken agreement" to remain faithful. You had a spoken agreement at your wedding ceremony to remain married and faithful to each other.
> 
> However, the situation could be saved with openness, honesty and discussion between you and counselling as individuals and as a couple.


Maybe you’re right. Wedding vows have been broken but perhaps our marriage can be saved through open & honest discussions and couples therapy (which incidentally we have started).


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Summer08 said:


> Maybe you’re right. Wedding vows have been broken but perhaps our marriage can be saved through open & honest discussions and couples therapy (which incidentally we have started).


99.9% of the time I would say infidelity is a deal breaker and it is over. I think you situation probably falls into that 0.1% were forgiveness is warranted. You and your husband had a lot going on and for whatever reason it sounds like he stopped it before things escalated even further. At the same time, if I were in your shoes I would be feeling betrayed and a whole slew of other bad emotions, your reaction is completely understandable. I think your choice to seek couples counseling is a good idea. I'm confident you will have a good outcome. Best of luck.


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## Summer08 (May 25, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> 99.9% of the time I would say infidelity is a deal breaker and it is over. I think you situation probably falls into that 0.1% were forgiveness is warranted. You and your husband had a lot going on and for whatever reason it sounds like he stopped it before things escalated even further. At the same time, if I were in your shoes I would be feeling betrayed and a whole slew of other bad emotions, your reaction is completely understandable. I think your choice to seek couples counseling is a good idea. I'm confident you will have a good outcome. Best of luck.


Thanks so much for your advice, it’s really appreciated. He said he realised he had made a mistake and that’s why he stopped it. It hurts like hell but maybe with time and counselling it will heal.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Summer08 said:


> Yes they just kissed... for half an hour


Kissing for half an hour...hmmm. The thing is with cheaters is that they only tell you part of the story and trickle truth forever. Think of an iceberg, you only see the top above the water but have no idea actually how big it is until you look under water. Cheaters will tell you it was only....A, then it was only A+B, then it was only A+B+B. I wouldn't believe a word he says. Get a lie detector test. If he slept with her, would that change things for you?


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## Summer08 (May 25, 2021)

aine said:


> Kissing for half an hour...hmmm. The thing is with cheaters is that they only tell you part of the story and trickle truth forever. Think of an iceberg, you only see the top above the water but have no idea actually how big it is until you look under water. Cheaters will tell you it was only....A, then it was only A+B, then it was only A+B+B. I wouldn't believe a word he says. Get a lie detector test. If he slept with her, would that change things for you?


No I think he is telling the truth. He didn’t have to tell me anything but decided to come clean.
Of course it would change things tho if he slept with her. That would be a definite deal breaker.


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