# Signed the last document today...



## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Now just have to wait for the judge to stamp it and I'm officially divorced. 

The end of the marriage was on my stbxh's terms, along with a half-hearted reconciliation attempt, me moving out, him screwing strippers then moving in with his cousin a year after he dumped me. This divorce though is all me! He didn't want to get divorced. He was happy to stay separated. But I decided to file and pursue the process aggressively to help me feel like I had some say in what was going on. Even though a part of me will always want to go back to him, I know that divorcing is the right thing. 

When I talk to him about the divorce he seems sad though. So please, speculate away. Why do you think he seems sad? Maybe because I beat him to it and took away some of his control? I know I'll never know why but I'd like to hear some theories.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Because he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. 

He thought you'd always hang around regardless of what he did. 

Now he knows you won't.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

A huge light just went off in my head because of your comment BF. I've been reading people's posts about their ex and I'm thinking to myself "oh my ex is much nicer, he would never treat me that way". But duh, of course he's treating me that way! Otherwise I wouldn't be here. 

Wow, almost three years since the talk and I'm still figuring things out. I need more of these lights going off so I can get any dreams of R out of my head.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm sorry. those are not the lightbulbs we like to deal with, but if it helps us move forward I guess it works out in the end. This journey isn't easy for any of us, but there are moments of sunshine in the mids of the darkness. Keep plugging away.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

he was not held accountable

now he is

you f'ed up his pretty playhouse

if you succeeded in R what were the chances

everything would "return to zero" within a short while

you can't control him

you can control yourself

once you 'fly away from the chaos'

you will ask yourself if you would ever go back

you will chuckle and think NFW!

now.....reclaim yourself

I'm sorry you are here


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

My dad cheated on my mom throughout their marriage. I still remember one day out of the blue my dad said "divorcing your mom was the biggest mistake I have ever made." Maybe he finally realized the pain his action have caused without coming out and admitting it. I know my dad have never admit to my mom that he was wrong for what he did, but I know he is sorry. He is sorry that he does not have have to strength to overcome life's temptation and his own selfish needs.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

My situation is very similar to yours in some ways. My STBXH had totally checked out of our marriage, then I caught him on marital affair websites trying to find someone to cheat with. Don't know if he ever actually had sex with anyone but don't care, trying was enough for me. We went to one marriage counseling session and then that very night I caught him on those websites again. When I confronted him, he got mad, said how dare I bring that up, packed some clothes and left. I filed for divorce. Now he is sad that we are getting divorced. He saw no problem with us continuing to live together, having no relationship, me paying the bills as he lost his job (resigned before they fired him) and him cheating. He didn't want to solve any of our problems he just wanted me to bow to what he wanted.

I think you are right, it is because we took control away from them and at least in my case because I made the decision for him and that makes him feel like a failure. BF was also right because now they know we are not pining away for them and that it is truly over. I think it is much easier for them to go out and play as long as they think they have a safe place to land when they want to come home.

Mine also claims that I wasn't willing to reconcile, when what he really means is that I wasn't willing to live on his terms - which is another way of saying I took control away from him. He wanted everything on his terms.

I just keep waiting on the day I can say that I have signed the last document. It has been over 1 1/2 years since I filed and am still waiting on him to enter the negotiations. We have a court date in November so I guess we are going to let the judge determine the settlement. And I am sure that will be my fault too for not giving him enough time.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Your day will come littlejaz. And it's exhilerating! Let us know when it happens. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to have no response from your ex. I hope the judge does a good job. Keep us posted. 

Gigi, how old was your dad when he said that? Just wondering how long it takes for things to sink in. I have a feeling that I'm going to get the same comment from my ex 20 years down the road. That's his MO. Making a decision then changing his mind once it's too late. I wonder what a psychologist would make of that?


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

I think it was 10 years after the divorce. My parents are still friends due to us. My dad is on his 3rd divorce and my mom is happily married. My stepdad said to my dad this year..."Jeffery I need to thank you for giving me this wonderful wife." OMG...the look on my dad's face was priceless.


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