# Should I inform the OMW of the details of the A?



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I would like to get the opinion of the very knowledgeable and experienced TAM members on this subject:

I recently became aware of many, many details of the A that occurred between my fWW and OM more than 10 yrs ago. Through IC/MC, I was both comfortable with hearing and wanted to know the details of the A so that I could be prepared if any similar patterns, conditions, and circumstances ever started again, so any problems could be addressed early on. No indication of any concerns for the last 10 yrs.

Should I share what I have learned with the OMW? Would this info be helpful to her so that she also could be sensitive to patterns and conditions? Or would it just crush her? Can you forgive and R, but not forget? My wife indicated that at some point during the end of the A, she called this woman anonimously and told her that her husband was having an A. She confirmed the message was received because the OM contacted her and was furious that the wife was told about the affair. I wish someone would have informed me about the A and all the details at the time or shortly thereafter, rather than having to wait 10 yrs.

Some background on her: she was married to the OM during the entire A with my wife, which lasted about 3 yrs. I had met her, hung out with her at their house, and talked to her for a good while. She seems like a very nice lady. Thru my research on open source intel, she is still married to the OM (25 yrs), they take family vacations together with the kids, and there are many pictures/videos of her and her H together: singing, dancing, laughing, etc.

We have a NC agreement that prevents us from having any contact with the OM, but nothing that prevents me from talking to his wife. He was a bad guy as demonstrated by his behavior back then (think controlling sex addict) so I don't even want to deal with him, but he may have changed.


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## foolishheart (Jul 15, 2015)

I say if she was contacted and the affair ended because of the contact that you should not re-open any old wounds 10 years later....... Exposure is the key and she knows hes a cheating pos and has endured 10 years after, why stir the pot on their end? (im a newbie here though and going through my own thing).


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Type up a detailed timeline, very detailed. Have it delivered to her by courier. 

You do realize that by doing this...odds are high that you, your wife, or both of you will be contacted by the OM...right?

You ready for this guy to attempt contact with your W? 

You ready for a relational dynamic of us vs. Them to develop with OM and your wife?

I'd fill her in...but I'm not you. Think of all the angles first to decide if it's worth it to YOU.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Majdeath,

This is the phonecall/ email/ letter/ knock on the door I would really appreciate from OM or OMW or OMGF or any other witness to my Ws affair.

Yes OMW needs to know the truth about her marriage. 

Bless You for doing this. Even more so because OM did this to one of our soldiers who was away serving us. 

I can't tell you how many people go through life with a sick feeling about their spouses while everyone except them knows. 

Tamat


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

She was already made aware of the affair, so getting the details was up to her. She might be just fine not knowing. Who really gets the complete story? Cheating is lying, period. She is aware she was lied to, if he is a sex addict your wife was only one of many.

What is your real motivation behind giving her the details? Is it to help her of F the OM's world up?


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

I wouldn't send her anything BUT I would ask her *if she wants to know the full story* you have found out, then leave it up to her

Only way to make sure she receives the question is for you to talk directly to her


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

G.J. said:


> I wouldn't send her anything BUT I would ask her *if she wants to know the full story* you have found out, then leave it up to her
> 
> Only way to make sure she receives the question is for you to talk directly to her



This is a great compromise, perfect suggestion. If you do it, don't do it anonymously.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Part of me says let it go. It has been more than 10 yrs and she has forgiven him and moved forward. If the A happened last week or last month, then that's different, but this was along time ago.

Part of me says that she, like me, made decisions to continue the M without having all of the facts to make an informed decision. One important detail was the duration and time commitment. It was like the OM and my fWW were married for 3yrs. At one point he was spending more time with my wife in hours per week than he was with his wife.

And I am concerned that the OM might not like the new revelation of information that his W will be given. Perhaps the anonimous summary letter with no identifiable information would be best, postmarked from a different location.


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## Alecto (Sep 16, 2012)

If she's already aware of the affair then I agree with leaving it up to her whether she should know the details or not. Some people are helped in their understanding or decision-making by knowing details and some only find hurt in the details.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

G.J. said:


> I wouldn't send her anything BUT I would ask her *if she wants to know the full story* you have found out, then leave it up to her
> 
> Only way to make sure she receives the question is for you to talk directly to her


This seems like a great idea. Let me consider any alternatives.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Do you have proof that she was actually told about the A?

If not, I would contact her just to make sure of that and give her the basics of what happened. Otherwise I agree with the other poster who suggested that you can offer her the details - and let her decide if she wants them.

But don't be surprised if she isn't receptive - especially after all this time has passed. Though it's something I can't conceive of myself, a number of BS's prefer to bury their head in the sand.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Yes.

Put all the details down on paper and in an envelope.

On another piece of paper, write down the following:

"OMW, I have found out some new and potentially disturbing details about the sexual affair between your husband and my wife. They are itemized inside this envelope.

I do not wish to open up old wounds, nor do I wish for me or my wife to be contacted about this further unless you yourself seek specific details from me regarding the contents of this envelope. You can contact me the following way: (insert single use dead drop email address).

The choice to read this is up to you. 

I sincerely hope you are doing well.

Thanks,

MAJ"

Put all that into another envelope and have it couriered to her.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

pistal said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > We have a NC agreement that prevents us from having any contact with the OM
> ...


Yes, I meant to say no contact for her. I just want to avoid him because of what I might do to him if provoked.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> She was already made aware of the affair, so getting the details was up to her. She might be just fine not knowing. Who really gets the complete story? Cheating is lying, period. She is aware she was lied to, if he is a sex addict your wife was only one of many.
> 
> What is your real motivation behind giving her the details? Is it to help her of F the OM's world up?


I have to admit, there may be a small amount of revenge in my motivation to reveal the facts of the A. I believe this guy is such a narcissistic a hole that if his wife separated or divorced him over this new revelation, that he would blame me for the demise of his M, instead of his behavior, which was basically being married to someone else for 3 yrs.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> I believe this guy is such a narcissistic a hole that if his wife separated or divorced him over this new revelation, *that he would blame me for the demise of his M*, instead of his behavior, which was basically being married to someone else for 3 yrs.


For me, that would make it all the sweeter.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> I have to admit, there may be a small amount of revenge in my motivation to reveal the facts of the A. I believe this guy is such a narcissistic a hole that if his wife separated or divorced him over this new revelation, that he would blame me for the demise of his M, instead of his behavior, which was basically being married to someone else for 3 yrs.


As a BS I can understand wanting to hurt the OM MAJDEATH, I really can. How much of that instinct comes from the fact that you looked at their FB page and saw they are still together and seem happy? It sounds as if you and your wife while reconciled are still healing. If you are acting out of a desire to inflict pain on the OM, take some time to think about his W. I know the POSOM didn't. 

IF you are going to do it, IMO the only way to do it is by offering her the un-redacted truth. Otherwise she will discount it as yet another anonomous trouble maker. If you want her to know the "truth" about her life, she deserves the whole truth, not some anonomous redacted version.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

G.J. said:


> I wouldn't send her anything BUT I would ask her *if she wants to know the full story* you have found out, then leave it up to her
> 
> Only way to make sure she receives the question is for you to talk directly to her


Yes, this might be the best way - give her a choice.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Today I prepared the detailed timeline with facts of the A. I found the OMW's home phone number and drove by to confirm her address. But I will discuss this further with my IC before any actions are taken. I might have my IC look over the info to gauge the affect. She has been married to her covinent spouse for nearly 40 yrs, so she would be a good test subject.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Detailed timeline with events is typed and printed. Just considering what to do. After discussing what to do with my IC, she mostly thinks I should let it go if the OMW already knew about the A back then. She thinks that only positive behaviors should be followed, and revealing the truth could only have a negative outcome for their 25yr marriage.

However, when I practiced on my counselor with the question, "your H had an affair, and I have all the details, would you like to see them", she could not hide her interest in seeing the details. Granted my counselor is female, late 60s, married to covenant spouse for 40+ yrs.

On the fence about this. I became aware that this Friday the OMW will be at a function where I can approach her to talk. She will be without family. I can say, "Hi ------', it's MAJDeath, do you remember when I came to your house for the new years eve parties years ago? So how have you been. And how is your H? Did he finally get his head on right and quit cheating on you? The A with my fWW lasted 3 yrs and I'm glad we finally got over that and R. What? You didn't know the A went on for 3 yrs? I have alot more details if you really want to know, because you didn't do anything wrong and a spouse should know the truth."

What say you TAM forum members?


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Sure,
If your going to pick what side of the fence to fall on, why not pick the side of no return.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> Detailed timeline with events is typed and printed. Just considering what to do. After discussing what to do with my IC, she mostly thinks I should let it go if the OMW already knew about the A back then. She thinks that only positive behaviors should be followed, and revealing the truth could only have a negative outcome for their 25yr marriage.
> 
> However, when I practiced on my counselor with the question, "your H had an affair, and I have all the details, would you like to see them", she could not hide her interest in seeing the details. Granted my counselor is female, late 60s, married to covenant spouse for 40+ yrs.
> 
> ...


*Sounds reasonable! Go for it! But it does sound like that you're picking at an old scab that has shown signs of healing!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I say go to the function and lay it all out.
You have nothing to lose.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Ten years later?

No. 

My god some of you people love to share the misery. It's over, a long time ago. She knows about the A.

If you do this it is nothing more than scorched earth.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Perhaps this OMW came down with a disease. Perhaps he has illegitimate children with the A partners. Like Bill Cosby, I know of 1 incident where he drugged/raped an AP. Should she know the truth? He wanted to leave his wife at one time. He had at least 1 A that lasted yrs - they celebrated anniversaries 2 or 3 times. Should she at least have the opportunity to know?

Knowing this OM and what a narcissistic jerk he is, I am sure that when the OMW was informed of the A yrs ago, he either gas-lighted or TT the facts about duration, intensity, physical contact, etc.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Maj, you don't know what mental state this woman is in. Maybe she can handle it and maybe she can't. Is your perception that she needs to know all about it worth the damage it may cause her? Or are you really wanting to do it to help her. What if this turns out to be just enough to push her over the edge? 
Before you open Pandora's box, make sure you know you'll never be able to close it.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Maybe it's revenge. He dared to have an extended PA with the spouse of a deployed soldier and has never had to suffer the consequences of his actions. It might make me feel good to know that she dumped his ass and rang him up for alimony, legal fees, support, property, etc.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think you should go for it...just like you suggested.

But, When mention the A and she responds "that was long ago and I don't want to talk about it"....well then you should respect that and let it go with a polite smile.

So after you introduce your self and mention the A ...I recommend you give OMW a long enough pause to give you some kind of response.

If you are lucky she will respond with..."ya what about it". Then you can ask her if she wants to compare notes.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Maybe its to remind posom and omw why "you don't fvck my wife. It will haunt you, and just when you think you have forgotten, I will remind you."


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## IDsrvBetr (Jul 29, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> Ten years later?
> 
> No.
> 
> ...


I agree here. Plus If he is as bad as you say he is she is already quite well aware of what he's done. It would just appear to me anyways as childish vindictiveness and not considdering the feelings of the OMW


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

IDsrvBetr said:


> LonelyinLove said:
> 
> 
> > Ten years later?
> ...


Well she tolerated a serial cheater, so she bears some responsibility for the lives that he impacted.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

And I don't know if she really was informed about the A. Only secondhand hearsay. I'd rather she hear it from me directly and honestly.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> And I don't know if she really was informed about the A. Only secondhand hearsay. I'd rather she hear it from me directly and honestly.


Do you believe the details could change her complacency to noncomplacency?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Majdeath,

There are so many who get cheated on year after year, and never get the gift of truth you can now give. I would give anything if some witness OM, WW or etc would come forward to tell me. Three years is an enormous affair.

Many cheaters develop an ecosystem of lies and techniques to allow them to cheat in secret their entire lives, low grade alarms go off all the time with their betrayed spouses, but the cheaters have a standard list of explanations and manipulations to get them out of it. Even if OMW rejects you immediately long term it will help her fix her marriage as it will put her on the alert.

Also provide her with the name of a local polygraph expert and information on the county health department, they often give free STD testing.

Do this in memory of the soldiers who died while having cheating spouses at home.

Tamat


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I also want to reassure the OMW that we have now moved back to the area, and that I will personally help enforce a NC rule to keep them from ever interacting again. She was the victim and I want to reassure her that my intentions are not to cause marital strive, but to encourage marital harmony by preventing any chance that an old A will rekindle.

Tomorrow is the day! I will let the forum members known how it goes.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MAJDEATH,

Had someone done this kindness for my MIL 10 years or so into her marriage, then my FIL might not have had so many OCs on the side with my MIL finding out about them 30 years into her marriage. Instead everyone knew and nobody said a word to my MIL, now she is a wreck of an 80 year old.

I glad you are stepping up.

Tamat


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Just got off the phone with the OMW for the past hour. I gave her the option of learning what I had recently found out. At first she said she didn't want to know, it was a long time ago, and that they had moved on. But as I started "integrating" some of the facts into our discussion about a no-contact rule (which she agreed to), she started asking more questions. 

Eventually almost all the information I had was relayed to her, except for the really intimate sexual stuff. She apologized for her husband's behavior and was very angry at him. She said early on that she probably knew everything that I had, but in the end it was more like 1/2, if you believe her. 

She wanted to know "why now" and I informed her that I had just received the details of the A. It appears her narcissistic H provided some TT, but her left out lots of details. I also told her the reason why I had documented the facts was because I wanted to know what conditions/behaviors were present when the A occurred, so that I can be knowledgeable and observant in case these conditions ever occur again.

I told her that I have prayed for her thousands of times over the years for her marriage to be healed. She told me about her kids and wished me well. I left an open-ended invitation if she ever wants the other details or just wants to talk. I told her she did nothing wrong and she should be happy in life and marriage.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> I also want to reassure the OMW that we have now moved back to the area, and that *I will personally help enforce a NC rule to keep them from ever interacting again.* She was the victim and I want to reassure her that* my intentions are not to cause marital strive, but to encourage marital harmony by preventing any chance that an old A will rekindle.*


I always think exposure is good, so kudos to you for that. Better late than never.

Still, what you wrote above is somewhat disturbing. It sounds more like "hostage keeping". I'm not accusing you of being unreasonable, but I really have to ask "out loud", why is it your responsibility to prevent anything? Maybe you were using a figure of speech, so pardon me if my comments seem out of line. 

Kudos for clearing the air. Sorry if this question seems out of place, it is just that I always wince when I hear BS's effectively becoming guardians. Good luck, Godspeed.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Majdeath,

Thanks for stepping up, I've seen too many cases where the OM is as slippery as this one, and the OMW wastes her life trying to fix a serial cheater and non-stop liar. 

Did you advise her on snooping methods etc, the number of local polygraphs etc. 

You showed restraint I don't think I could have if I knew my WW had a 3 year affair.

Tamat


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

1AP down, 1AP to go, maybe today







.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I finally go a call back over the weekend, not from the OMW2, but from OM2. I actually was very calm with him. We talked for about an hour. He obviously was very concerned that I was reaching out to his wife. I told him I would make him a deal. I will run down a list of question that I had prepared about the relationship and conditions, and if he answered all of them honestly and completely to the best of his ability, I would agree to never contact his wife or inform her about the affair. He agreed. More to follow..


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

He deliberately tried to be vague on some answers, saying he didn't remember. At first I provided some facts to help jog his memory, but then I put the heat on him to come clean and start remembering or I would hang up and call his wife. He suddenly started to remember most everything.

My questions included subjects like:
- how did you meet
- what were your initial perceptions of her
- what activities were you involved in
- what did she tell you about herself, interests, likes, dislikes, marital status, job, hobbies,
-did you interact with her co-workers, friends, family
- how would you describe your relatioship, did the dynamic change over time
- how did it end, abrupt or gradual fade
- based on your experience with her, and if meeting a new person who possessed the same qualities, is that someone you would like to be friends with again, could you just remain friends
- did emotions play a part in this relationship, did she express care for you and you for her, did that change the dynamic of the relationship 
- did physical relations play a part in this A (physical can mean everything from intense hugging, kissing, and sexual interactions), did that change the dynamic
- if sex occurred, was safety used to prevent STDs and pregnancy 
- were sexual interaction of the usual variety, or were there deviations from from what most would consider normal, 
- what was your marital status at the time of the A, any kids, did you tell my fWW your honest status
- did you discuss rules for the A, ie we agree not to involve spouses, kids, employers, if 1 party wanted to end the more than friends status, the other agrees
- anything else you want to infirm me that you feel would be an important observation in describing the dynamic of the A

He stubbed on some questions, but ultimately admitted to a PA that lasted a few months. They had sex the first night they met-at his hotel, after a night of drinking/dancing at a club. They continued to meet up every few weeks or so, but they lived about 2 hrs apart so it was not always convenient. They had their romps in his hotel room or back at our house.
They both told each other they were married with kids, and that didn't matter. There last hurrah was a trip to NYC, which he paid for her to fly out and stay at a hotel for a long weekend. I guess at this point it got too serious and they called it quits shortly after. They took a bunch of scenery pics at ground zero and the statue of liberty, but he was careful to only give her the hard copies that did not have him in the pic.

He admitted everthing but never apologized even after I told him I was a deployed fellow soldier at the time the A went down. He claimed my fWW told him she was separated pending D, but I didn't believe him. Why would he need to purge the pics of his face from the batch he gave her if she was divorced? He knew. She said she told him many times.

So now comes the moment of truth. I have all the information from him that I wanted to understand the dynamic/conditions of the A. He admitted to all of it and verified my fWW's recollection. Do I tell the OMW or sit on it?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

He screwed your wife.....his has a right to know the POS she is married to.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Tell for goodness sake. I don't mean to sound rude, but my dear sweet lord, you have spent all of this time trying to understand the dynamics of their relationship. Now that you have gotten these answers that you spent so much time trying to get, do something with it.

I feel like you went on this quest for other reasons. Maybe, it was to keep something in front of you and to focus on instead of the really tough questions that a betrayed has to really address. More so a diversionary tactic. I'm not judging you, I'm just offering my observation.

Now you have actually captured your "white whale". You don't get any awards. Nothing changes. Why hold on to it? It would just be another thing to divert your attention. Just give the information and then you will have finished your quest. No new questions about how is his BS gonna take it or how is he squirming or have I held on to the information too long? Just tell her. Magnum opus type stuff.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You are threading a slippery slope Majdeath. You need to leave the past in the past or bring things up in MC. This disclosed info on your WWs affairs will poison your relationship. You couldn't control them then and you can't control them now. They will eat at you. 

Focus on what you have now and don't mess up by rehashing past mistakes.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

My IC reinforces the fact that whatever happened, happened a long time ago and we cannot change the past. That's true, but maybe I can benefit from this hidden betrayal now, in the present. The AP is somewhat prominent in the community, and is a man of means. His wife is a teacher. He indicated that they have been married 22 yrs, and that this would destory his marriage. I wonder what it's worth to him? If you play you have to pay!


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

bigfoot said:


> Tell for goodness sake. I don't mean to sound rude, but my dear sweet lord, you have spent all of this time trying to understand the dynamics of their relationship. Now that you have gotten these answers that you spent so much time trying to get, do something with it.
> 
> I feel like you went on this quest for other reasons. Maybe, it was to keep something in front of you and to focus on instead of the really tough questions that a betrayed has to really address. More so a diversionary tactic. I'm not judging you, I'm just offering my observation.
> 
> Now you have actually captured your "white whale". You don't get any awards. Nothing changes. Why hold on to it? It would just be another thing to divert your attention. Just give the information and then you will have finished your quest. No new questions about how is his BS gonna take it or how is he squirming or have I held on to the information too long? Just tell her. Magnum opus type stuff.


I think this is my way of getting back. I am the type of person who views "secrets" a much worse form of betrayal than the betrayal of the negative act itself. My fWW waited 13 yrs to tell me the truth, and it has been confirmed. I don't like the fact that others know things about my wife/family/house etc that I don't know. It's just my nature. My W knows this, in fact everyone in my circle of influence knows this about me.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

"If you play you have to pay"

I thought you were religious. A religious man would not take what he knows to exert vengeance. Remember vengeance is a double edge sword and you may pierce but you will get hurt as well.

Let it go man, you are allowing the past to poison you. You are getting sucked in again and digressing In your healing and being a better, healthier man for YOU and Yours.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

The sin should be brought to light. Does his wife know about it? She has a right to.....


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> I think this is my way of getting back. I am the type of person who views "secrets" a much worse form of betrayal than the betrayal of the negative act itself. My fWW waited 13 yrs to tell me the truth, and it has been confirmed. I don't like the fact that others know things about my wife/family/house etc that I don't know. It's just my nature. My W knows this, in fact everyone in my circle of influence knows this about me.


Well, there you have it. Expose, Expose, Expose. Then, you are done. If you are staying with your FWW, then she will have to deal with any consequences of the delayed exposure because it was due to her delayed confession.

If no consequences, then Life goes on as it has been.

BTW, if you think this was a deal breaker, then let's get busy moving on. If it was not a deal breaker, drop the bomb or firecracker, depending on the impact, and then move on. Either way, and I do mean this very respectfully, either "sh*t or get off the pot."


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Leave the innocent wife alone!
You do not need to spew your vengeance on her
You already talked to her about the A once; now get lost!

*Stop trying to spin this like you are doing a lot of good for others, you are just vengeful more than helpful!*


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> My IC reinforces the fact that whatever happened, happened a long time ago and we cannot change the past. That's true, but maybe I can benefit from this hidden betrayal now, in the present. The AP is somewhat prominent in the community, and is a man of means. His wife is a teacher. He indicated that they have been married 22 yrs, and that this would destory his marriage.* I wonder what it's worth to him? If you play you have to pay!*


That sounds to me like a you're contemplating blackmailing him. If so, then you're a more despicable person than the AP.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I will consider my options. Part of me says don't tell OMW2. She was innocent and this revelation might be the cause of a wrecked marriage. My wife and I are pro-marriage, especially covenant spouses. They have been married 22 yrs. There could also be some blowback, as he would probably blame me for the demise of his marriage, instead of his actions.

But also you must know the truth before you can decide to R or call it quits. This poor BS has never known about her husband's PA. She should know the truth, and I am the only person in the world (besides the cheating parties) who can provide the facts of what happened to her. Honestly, if I had known about all of my wife's As when they happened, we would be divorced. I agreed to R on partial information, but after serious reforms by both of us.

And as far as a financial impact is concerned, the WS knew the risk he was taking by engaging in the A. He knew if she found out it might cost him in alimony, legal fees, child support, etc. Is it really blackmail to ask him for money to buy my silence? I see it as a lower cost alternative. Don't forget that he also wronged me personally by sleeping with my wife when he knew she was married to a fellow soldier. Doesn't he have to pay for that somehow to make amends and learn his lesson?

Or am I setting the example of what a good Christian man can be, by not destroying a long-term marriage and honoring another man's request to not tell, even after he acted dishonorably towards me? After all was done, my wife changed her ways and chose me as her life partner going forward, and that is what really matters in the end.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Mr Blunt said:


> You already talked to her about the A once; now get lost


That was a different AP, sorry for the confusion.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I also freely informed my W about the As that I was involved in. I wanted her to know the facts and circumstances and to hear it from me directly. No one will ever call her up in a few years with information about an A that she doesn't already know everything about. NO SECRETS EVER!


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> I will consider my options. Part of me says don't tell the OMW. She was innocent and this revelation might be the cause of a wrecked marriage. My wife and I are pro-marriage, especially covenant spouses. They have been married 22 yrs. There could also be some blowback, as he would probably blame me for the demise of his marriage, instead of his actions.
> 
> But also you must know the truth before you can decide to R or call it quits. This poor BS has never known about her husband's PA. She should know the truth, and I am the only person in the world (besides the cheating parties) who can provide the facts of what happened to her. Honestly, if I had known about all of my wife's As when they happened, we would be divorced. I agreed to R on partial information, but after serious reforms by both of us.
> 
> ...


You are considering blackmailing this man now. So he'd be paying you for F'ing your wife all those years ago, making her a prostitute and you her pimp. So is it Restitution or Prostitution? 

Where does the damage end and the healing begin with you?


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

At the time of their A, he paid for her flight to NYC, 5 star hotel, room service/dining out, transportation, sight seeing, and all expenses for a week. She was destitute at the time as I had separated our accounts and she was forced to start working at a low paying job. When we discussed this she indicated that she had raised her standards from previous APs that were too cheap to get a room and wanted to park at a cemetery for sexual rendezvous.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MAJDEATH,

Should my Ws relationship with OM-2, a doctor, prove to have been sexual or more extensive than my W admits, I have though about offering him the option of paying his way out. 

This is not him paying my W for sex, it is compensating me and my family for the pain he caused us for years. The money would go towards my kids college.

There are other options much less kind to OM-2 which I may be willing to forgo. 

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MAJDEATH,

The fact that he did this to a fellow soldier just by itself, weighs heavily in favor of exposure to the OMW. It's rather despicable that OM view soldiers wives as easy pickings. 

That rarely does anyone steps up to tell betrayed spouses is another strong reason.

OMW may also fill you in on details your W has not, after grilling OM.

There is a very good chance the OMW already knows something and has never felt right about her marriage, also a very good chance the OM has continued to cheat.

Tamat


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I am rethinking my position of informing OMW2 of the information I have gathered, including the confession by her H.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

carmen ohio said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > My IC reinforces the fact that whatever happened, happened a long time ago and we cannot change the past. That's true, but maybe I can benefit from this hidden betrayal now, in the present. The AP is somewhat prominent in the community, and is a man of means. His wife is a teacher. He indicated that they have been married 22 yrs, and that this would destory his marriage.* I wonder what it's worth to him? If you play you have to pay!*
> ...


His deliberate actions caused me a lot of emotional pain, not to mention what it would cost him in a D fight. I might be the low cost alternative.
Besides, he knew the risks involved when he choose to cheat on his wife.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think you should have a reality show.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MAJDEATH,

Please just pay the betrayed spouse a visit and set her straight. 

Get it done yesterday, do not warn or threaten. 

Tamat


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Tell her now. Anonymously or not, let her have the details.

And … continue to nail the bastard's arse to the wall every opportunity you get.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Does your state allow for alienation of affection lawsuits? If so, you may have a legal case for damages from him. And he would likely settle out of court rather than it become public knowledge.

If not, you're proposing blackmail, which is both wrong and illegal.


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

Well ,
if it was me ,
I'd tell your fww to go and tell om2 wife what she and om2 did 
and ask for her forgiveness as a concequence.

It will also be good for your wife to see first hand 
the hurt/devestation that she and om2 brought to om2 wife.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

MyTurn said:


> Well ,
> if it was me ,
> I'd tell your fww to go and tell om2 wife what she and om2 did
> and ask for her forgiveness as a concequence.
> ...


Even better ! Do what MyTurn says!


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Here is my issue with telling the betrayed spouse:

First of all you wreck the life of somebody that wasn't involved in your betrayal. Now while some would argue that, correctly I might ad, it was the affair that did the damage not the telling, it still leads to my next issue.

If reconciliation is a goal than exposure works against you in many ways. First it takes somebody who wasn't previously available for anything more than an affair because of their family situation and now makes them available because you will undoubtedly change their family situation.

This also gives the AP a reason to re-enter your spouses life after he is kicked to the curb, seeking comfort in the arms of the only person that will understand what they really felt for each other.

Finally, like it or not She had feelings for him. You hurting him is going to hurt her while at the same time making you the object of anger. He becomes the injured little bird that needs to be nursed back to health and you are the big bad bully that hurt him.

I get it, no better satisfaction than giving the AP a good swift kick in the jewels for revenge but are you going to better your situation by doing it or are you going to end up kicking your own balls on the back swing? Honestly, If R is what you want then the best thing you could do is to tell the AP that your watching him and haven't decided if you're going to tell his spouse or not. Tell him if you so much as her a rumor that he is cheating with somebody else you will expose him to the world including his spouse. 

You get your revenge in him living under the constant threat of exposure and you don't drive him into your wife's arms, that's a win/win in my books.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

bankshot1993 said:


> Here is my issue with telling the betrayed spouse:
> 
> First of all you wreck the life of somebody that wasn't involved in your betrayal. Now while some would argue that, correctly I might ad, it was the affair that did the damage not the telling, it still leads to my next issue.
> 
> ...


Bankshot, you make most excellent points! This will probably be my choice. OM2 is already afraid because I originally contacted his W to find him (without telling her) at her work location. So he will be worried forever that I can expose this to their world anytime I want (including his recorded confession).


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