# Can't believe I'm considering divorce



## LovingHearts (Sep 3, 2012)

My husband and I met 11 years ago and married almost 5 years ago. I should have seen the warning signs back then (the fact that he kept putting off marriage). He said he wanted to get married, but just kept putting it off. Eventually we planned our wedding and before we got married, I became pregnant.

The truth is, we have never had much in common other than food. We are both overweight and always enjoyed food. In the past, we have supported each other to lose weight, and have done so with limited success (never even getting close to ideal weight, but losing over 50 pounds each).

We now have 2 kids, 4 years old and 5 months old. I just finished my masters degree and am starting a 6-figure job at the end of the month. During my (full-time, intense) masters program, however, he seemed unable to get my daughter to daycare on time and get himself to work on time. He got fired a whole year before I was to end my program. That means we lost our benefits and had to pay COBRA because I was pregnant and we needed insurance. I felt so hurt that he couldn't commit himself to getting to sleep early so he could wake up early and get going. Here we were, me pregnant, a 3 year old, and him, having to pay exorbitant amounts in COBRA. I was doing my best to get through my program. Well, I finally graduated and took my boards. But the last year has been hell. I have lost respect for him because I felt like he should have taken care of his family, as he agreed to do when I went back to school. He finally got a contract job this past February, but it wasn't close to enough to pay the bills/COBRA.

We also do not talk unless it's necessary. He literally tells me not to talk to him. He also says that now that I'm a "big-shot" I will leave him and take his kids with me. He has no motivation or self-esteem. He stays up until 2 a.m. every night even though he knows he needs to wake up to go to work. We don't talk about anything and don't enjoy doing anything together. He blames me that he has no friends. Yet I still have friends (within this past week, I will have had 3 "dates" with friends...mostly because we're celebrating that I just passed my boards and have a super-duper job). And sex? Hasn't happened since the birth of my son. I don't have any desire whatsoever. I'm still mad at him because of how he let down his family. I know I should let it go, because truthfully, he would have quit his job to stay home with the kids when I start working (I would make double his salary at least). But I'm angry that he isn't taking responsibility for his actions. We did go to therapy for a couple months, but because of my schedule, we couldn't continue. It got us to speaking, but it was painful. He said some incredibly hurtful things to me, and I could see how he resented me.

I don't know if we're to the point of divorce, and I can't even believe that I'm considering it. I have read several studies that say to hold on during times of transition (job loss, new jobs, children, etc) and in 5 years, a lot of people are definitely happier. I just don't know how I can be happier if he is going to continue not taking care of himself and just being an awful person. I am full of love and energy. I notice a marked difference in myself when he comes home from work. I am not stressed and feel more energy when I know he's not going to be home. I just recently noticed this and can't believe that he has that affect on me. I believe it's best if parents can stay together. Yet I see nothing in common for us. He plays the victim in most areas of his life. I hate that. There are very few things I hate, but playing the victim is one of them.

I know this post is all over the place. The bottom line is that I am full of love and energy. I long for a companion who sees my beauty and understands me. I want a deep connection with someone. I just don't know how this relationship will ever work; it was never built on anything solid. I'm so lost and confused.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

What do you think would happen if you approached him by saying -- 

"I'd like to talk to you about our marriage. First, you should know that I want more than anything for this marriage to work. I want us to raise our kids together. Having said that -- I'm not happy with our marriage the way it currently is, and I think you are probably not happy either. Let's work together to try to build a new, stronger relationship."

And you could follow that up with one of a few approaches. You could 
1) refer him to a few books to read. For example, "the seven principles for making marriage work," or "the five languages of love" or "his needs, her needs"
2) give him a list of a couple of marriage counselors
3) find a weekend long marriage workshop to attend.

It may be that he will stonewall and there will not be much you can do. But, if you try to avoid blame and frame it as a "we're in this together" kind of problem it might work.


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