# Fights about sex/intimacy



## BadAtMarriage (Aug 11, 2013)

My wife and I are coming up on our five year wedding anniversary, and we have been together for close to nine and I love her with all of my being. I have a much higher sex drive than she does and over the past few years physical intimacy has dropped away, and we rarely have sex. The last few years it we only seem to have sex on special occasions, around our anniversary, around christmas, around my birthday and once randomly during the summer. And it works out to be roughly once every four months. 

We have had some rough patches over the past few years, I started going to night classes for a degree, which caused for a bit of strain leaving her two or three nights a week, having to walk our two dogs by herself and then eventually three dogs when we got a puppy the winter of 2010. The puppy put a lot of additional stress in our lives, though I wouldn't get rid of him for anything. 

Over the last three or four years as our sex life has diminished and i have been rejected many times for many different reasons. From stressful issues in our lives, depression for the lose of a pet, health issues (her experiencing pain during sex), to general relationship issues. Whenever I get turned down, I try as hard as I can to not make her feel guilty. I really don't want her to have sex with me out of guilt/obligation/pitty. 

Well last night she had gone out, and while she was gone I had done some chores, which I try to do when she is gone, she was very happy when she came home and she kissed me very passionately, which is rare and it made me slightly aroused. When she realized, I could see the look on her face go from happy to depressed very quickly. I know she feels some level of guilt about how little we have sex so the reaction was not surprising. 

The last few month our lack of intimacy has really been getting to me. We rarely have any physical intimacy, and it seems like the only time we kiss or hug, is when I'm consoling her for a bad day or she is not feeling well. She also tells me that she doesn't want to be physical with me because anytime she kisses me or touches me I get aroused and expect sex. I admit I do get easily aroused, but I am not expecting 99% of the time.

Well later on in the evening, we were sitting on the couch and I was holding her, which is uncommon, and I finally after months of not being able to say anything, asked her if we could work on being more intimate together. She immediately go very angry and defensive, I should have known better, and we got into a bad fight. She kept saying "why can't I just be happy with holding?" and this is why she never gets close to me because I always expect sex. Which is NOT true. The fight was not productive at all.

One of the big sticking points that has really been bothering me, is that when we first got together we had a great sex life, we even got a little adventurous with some toys that we would use when we were together. A few years ago I noticed that she had been using them when I wasn't around. At first I was just glad she was getting what she needed without straying. Part of me is glad, because I know she still has some sexual desires, but there is another part of me that is really upset, because she turns to these much more often than she does me. 

I really don't know what to think or do at this point. It has gotten to the point where I wish for the day that I am not interested in sex anymore. When the thought of sex comes up I usually end up just getting depressed, I even bought supplements that should lower my sex drive, hoping it wont be an issue anymore.


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## Early Grayce (Jan 19, 2012)

I'm thinking....if she's masturbating then she has the desire or at least a sexual fantasy.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry you are here. 

Special occasion sex, for some people, is a sign that they are only able to be intimate when they are feeling a certain way. That it is safe to do so.

Christmas, birthdays, that kind of stuff.... has a family feel, safe, bonding, etc.

Her getting upset, and the fights...she may have "walls" for boundaries, and does not allow intimacy. So yes, it would be a huge deal for her. It would be like asking her to steal something. It's against her "rules" that she has in place to guard herself. She may love you dearly, and maybe even understand how much it hurts you. But the rules are the rules. 

It's more common for women to do this, but some men do this as well. It really has nothing to do with sex drive. It's an intimacy issue in general. Trauma, loss, can trigger this. If the person has not properly learned how to deal with these things.

However, Depression in itself is a huge libido killer. Is she taking meds?


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

If she is masterbating she has a sex drive. Something outside the bedroom is causing a problem. She should not be pleasuring herself and ignoring your needs. Thats being very selfish in a marriage. I would consider marriage counciling to get to what the problem is. Marriage includes intimacy and and sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I have had a very similar problem. I can only say it wont get better. Bear that in mind. Counselling wont help since she doesnt see any problem. How is she otherwise. Does she care about you.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

You get special occasion sex because it's "mandatory". Her emotional needs are not being met. In the beginning everything was good, but now she feels like the only time you touch her, or pay any attention to her, is when you want sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

Ya, once some women get it into their head that the only time you want to do nice things for them/be affectionate is when you want to screw them, it becomes almost intractable. 

A couple of things I can suggest-

You mention that it is uncommon that you hold her. That isn't good, even if she bristles when you do hold her. Try starting really small, small tokens of physical affection, and work up from there. Try not to get aroused when you do this and never bring up sex when you are doing this. If you have to masturbate A LOT to accomplish this, do that. The idea is to get her to eventually initiate. To not force it but rather to facilitate it. Its a really delicate balance and requires a lot of sensitivity.

Wish I could write more or more clearly but I got this &^%$ stomache virus today :/


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## BadAtMarriage (Aug 11, 2013)

LdyVenus said:


> You get special occasion sex because it's "mandatory". Her emotional needs are not being met. In the beginning everything was good, but now she feels like the only time you touch her, or pay any attention to her, is when you want sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The thing is, when I touch her I rarely ever have the intent to have sex with her, most of the time it's just a hug and a kiss, and if it last more than 2 or 3 seconds she backs away. It's to the point were if I try to initiate sex or even try to build up the nerve I end up giving myself a panic attack, seriously the last time initiated sex about 2 months ago, my heart felt like it was going to explode. I'm so nervous when we do have sex it ends up being terrible, at best mediocre.

I do try and pay attention to her, I try and do little things for her, I cook for her, I try and go food shopping without her and do little errands, I'll bring her lunch home on occasion. I try to do everything I can to make her feel as little guilt about everything as possible and as little pressure as possible.

This morning after having the evening to think about it, she came out and told me that she resents me. She feels like I do not do enough to show her I love her. She brought up all of these examples of "grand gestures", several of which, she was more interested in than I was and I just didn't have the heart to say "are you sure you didn't do this for yourself?" I swear I do try, but apparently they are too little or to infrequent, and I have to admit, when she told me that she resented me because of this, I was really hurt. After I graduated this spring I have been making a conscience effort to make our marriage better, and let her know I love her. I told her a while back to thank her for her support while I went to school that when I graduate, I would take her where ever she would like, as a result we are going to week long trip to Florida for our anniversary next month. Whenever I do try to make even a medium sized gesture, it usually will fail miserably, I can’t take her our anywhere because of our dogs, they are like our children and I love them to death, but usually the only time we spend together without the dogs is when we are driving in to work together.


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## BadAtMarriage (Aug 11, 2013)

ohno said:


> You mention that it is uncommon that you hold her. That isn't good, even if she bristles when you do hold her. Try starting really small, small tokens of physical affection, and work up from there. Try not to get aroused when you do this and never bring up sex when you are doing this. If you have to masturbate A LOT to accomplish this, do that. The idea is to get her to eventually initiate. To not force it but rather to facilitate it. Its a really delicate balance and requires a lot of sensitivity.
> 
> Wish I could write more or more clearly but I got this &^%$ stomache virus today :/


As I said in my previous post nearly every gesture is small, and innocent, I think she just has this perception that every time touch her it has an undertone of "lets have sex!" And the thing is, when she does initiate, her favorite move is after she showers, she will yell from the top of the stairs "I'm naked" and from there it's all up to me, she will just lie there, she will never/hardly ever try and "get me in the mood", and if I don't go down on her, we would be in and out of there in five minutes. 

Thank you for your advice and I hope your stomach virus clears up soon.


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## BadAtMarriage (Aug 11, 2013)

accept said:


> I have had a very similar problem. I can only say it wont get better. Bear that in mind. Counselling wont help since she doesnt see any problem. How is she otherwise. Does she care about you.


Call me an optimist, but I refuse to believe that it's not going to get better, though on occasion it has been very hard to keep that point of view. She is usually very loving and considerate. But when we have a disagreement/fight she's right I'm wrong no matter what. She is very strong headed and mercurial, and I choose my battles, but even then, that just means a bigger fight and I'm still wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

If she is masturbating but won't have sex with you, then you have to consider the strong possibility that she simply isn't attracted to you anymore. Have you gained a lot of weight since you were married or otherwise changed your appearance? Is it possible that she is now more interested in women than men? It's worth considering.


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## BadAtMarriage (Aug 11, 2013)

Theseus said:


> If she is masturbating but won't have sex with you, then you have to consider the strong possibility that she simply isn't attracted to you anymore. Have you gained a lot of weight since you were married or otherwise changed your appearance? Is it possible that she is now more interested in women than men? It's worth considering.


That is a possibility and I have/do think about it. She labels herself as bi but has never been in a physical relationship with another women. She's made comments in the past about finding a women attractive but I think she is partially saying it to get a rise out of me. I haven't really changed at all since we have been together, I'm 33, and I'm probably within a few pounds of what I was when we first met ten years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

In my opinion sex 4x/year is cruelty. I am confused how she justifies you always wanting sex if you actually have sex so rarely. 361 days per year you are not having sex. 

That is not a marriage and is not a romantic partnership. The sum total of your sexual experience in life is at her mercy. She is neglecting you hugely.

It does sound like there is a lot she needs to say but is not saying. Her saying she resents you is a start - but for her resentment to have built up to the point where she is unable to be physically intimate she has a mountain of words that remain unsaid. 

Likewise - it sounds like you also are leaving much unsaid and have built years of hurt and resentment over her sexual starvation of you.

I think for women it is common for emotional intimacy to lead sexual intimacy. For some people one is impossible without the other. While you two may have things worked out and never fight and carry on day to day in peace you each have a wall that the other is not allowed behind.

Marriage counseling would be very helpful I think. Its hard to start talking. 

I have been in individual counseling for 3 months now. I went in due to frustration over our sex life - I initially thought this was 100% my husbands problem. Come to find out it was largely my own issues. I have the same problem your wife has, I had built a wall against true sexual/emotional intimacy with my husband. It was much harder than i expected to start letting him in. It takes courage to start talking and start working through things. It has been worth it but it is taking a constant effort on my part to keep talking. There have been set backs as well as progress.

It does take two people willing to work together. I dont believe anyone should have to live in a sexless marriage. Why bother being married? Why not just be platonic roommates for that matter. Everyone is worthy of feeling desired and feeling cherished. Sexual starvation is not acceptable in a marriage.husband.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

BadAtMarriage said:


> Call me an optimist, but I refuse to believe that it's not going to get better, though on occasion it has been very hard to keep that point of view. She is usually very loving and considerate. But when we have a disagreement/fight she's right I'm wrong no matter what. She is very strong headed and mercurial, and I choose my battles, but even then, that just means a bigger fight and I'm still wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you consider marriage counselling, there are some that include self awareness for couples. (this helps to deal with the right vs. wrong attitudes) and it does touch a lot on boundaries.

I'm a strong headed independent type woman. I call myself a reformed shrew. I recognize myself in some of what you write about your wife. 

Honestly, I will say that the battle of trying to please her is a tough one. Unless a person really knows themselves, they can't know what they want out of life, what is happiness, peace. We get so used to the "idea" of measuring what others give us. Resentment is all about measuring and coming up short on your side. Blaming others is the natural thing to do. 

A good move that you could consider at this point:

-Take an honest evaluation of yourself. If you are a jerk, change that. If you aren't... let it go. Don't change who you are to satisfy the monster called ego. 

-Read about boundaries yourself. Know who you are, what your values are. Read His Needs Her Needs. Do the emotional needs quiz together. Know what the foundations are.

A fridge magnet type of thing... points to think about in life. (btw, _most _of the things listed here are things I used to do)

Pia Mellody's Relationship Maxims:

1.	You cannot "nice" someone into a relationship- Being real in a relationship and being nice are very different. Being nice is a mask and does not offer truth and intimacy, it is non relational.

2. You can't be distant and caring. When you care for someone, you are there for that person- Show up and pay attention otherwise distance will result. Care most often requires hands-on involvement.

3. If you are judgmental, your value system may be too big-People with a big value system tend to look at people who see things differently as "bad" rather than different. They put themselves in a "one-up" position in order to look down on all the "wrong" people. At the end we are left with a big value system and a small number of friends.

4. Our own experience of shame makes it possible to be relational- When you accept your own humanness and imperfection; you are less likely to judge. Humility is recognizing both our strengths and weaknesses.

5. We choose our behavior. The world chooses our consequences- We cannot control how our actions will be received by others. We surrender the right to decide that when in a relationship.

6. Date only the people you admire enough to criticize- "Dating should be about finding out who our potential partner is. But when we date and find someone we really like, rather than putting in the time to find out who he or she really is, we spend our time
ignoring that. We focus only on the parts of our date that we find pleasant. and try to dismiss the rest. As the relationships ages, the opposite happens, and we focus on what we don't like and ignore what we do

7. Lead your life and see who shows up. When you honor your own personal beliefs and goals, you will find yourself peaceful enough to wait for the right person to show up that honors your personal beliefs as well. If you are healthy, then you will attract healthy people.

8.	When walled-in people develop healthy boundaries, they will at first feel naked and vulnerable. When hiding behind walls in relationships, you cannot connect with people, nor can they connect with you. It's isolating and lonely. When you do away with the walls you once felt comfortable with, healthy boundaries can feel very uncomfortable.

9.	Resentment is like taking poison in the hope that your enemy will die. "Resentment and self-pity are important when we feel someone has wronged us and treated us as if we were worthless. Resentment and self-pity help us go to a proper defense. But, when we falsely feel that we are victims, when we feel the need to get even with someone who has not victimized us, we become obnoxious and self-defeating".

10. Getting esteem from someone else never creates self-esteem. Self-esteem comes from inside of us. It does not waiver & holds strong in the face of judgment of others. The esteem that comes from praise from other people is called other-esteem, and varies from person to person.

11. Sex is not the equivalent of a handshake or emptying your bladder. "Using sex to introduce yourself to somebody is not good self-care, because you don't know the person well enough to be doing something that intimate. Becoming emotionally vulnerable with someone you don't know is dangerous".

12. Setting up a boundary with those who are boundaryless makes them feel abandoned. People who don't have any boundaries at all generally get too close & overstep other's spaces. If you put a boundary on them, they will feel threatened, no matter how healthy the boundary. The opposite is true as well. Those who have walls for boundaries will feel naked when the wall is removed and feel very vulnerable with appropriate boundaries in place.

13. When you resist my control, I feel abandoned. I love how she puts it in her book, "When I want you to be a certain way and you won't agree to do that, what I make up about that is that you don't love me, because if you did love me, you would do what I want you to do." So this person feels if they can't control you, you don't love them. Yikes!

14. Conditional love is immature love and never feels satisfactory to a child. If your child only feels loved when they are busy doing what you want them to do, they feel they aren't loved when they are not
doing it.

15.	A relationship with an unconscious person is impossible. People are unconscious when they are either being addictive or not aware of how their dysfunctional personality or behaviors is affected by their pasts. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with either. 

16. A new relationship cannot begin until you have grieved the last relationship. Grieving only stops when it is over. If you start another relationship before you are finished grieving the first, you will carry your emotions and thoughts into the new relationship. 

17. Its easier dealing with the drunk you know than the sober human being you don't. A person can get so wrapped up in taking care of an addict that they lose themselves. When the addict gets sober, the caretaker doesn't know what to do with them!

18. Love is about knowing someone matters. That way you can't love them too much. You love someone so much that you want them to still be themselves and not feel controlled and manipulated by you. You give love in an appropriate way rather than smothering.

19. “I don’t need your help to have boundaries”. “My boundaries protect both of us: me from your perception of me – no matter how hostile – and you from my anger”. This is a neat summning up of the function of the listening boundary, which protects us from incoming information, and the tlaking boundary, which protects others from what comes out of us.

20. If we don’t esteem ourselves, we can’t believe another can love or esteem us. If we believe we are worthless, nobody is going to be able to convince us that we are lovable and have inherent worth, because what another would tell us in in too great a conflict with the bad stuff we believe about ourselves.

21. Nothing in a relationship is improved by marriage. Marriage tends to intensify problems. Marriage is about committing to a person and a relationship. It is not about improving things. The obverse wisdom is “everything in a marriage is improved by a relationship”.

22. There is no such thing as an illegitimate child. The circumstances under which a child was conceived might be debatable but never the value of the child.

23. Much of recovery is acceptance. “I rarely get my way entirely. However, I do get enough to be comfortable”.

24. Comfort is not the average between extremes. As Albert Einstein observed, if you put on hand on a burning stove and one hand in the freezer, on average you will be comfortable. We don’t keep a canoe on an even keel by first hurling ourselves to one side of the canoe and then to the other. Einstein understood the physical mysteries of the universere, it is mete that he would understand the spiritual ones as well. Living at the extremes of all our core issues is how we destroy our ability to have healthy relationships. Learning how to move to the center of each creates the supreme psychological blessing: being centered.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

BadAtMarriage said:


> This morning after having the evening to think about it, she came out and told me that she resents me. She feels like I do not do enough to show her I love her. She brought up all of these examples of "grand gestures", several of which, she was more interested in than I was and I just didn't have the heart to say "are you sure you didn't do this for yourself?" I swear I do try, but apparently they are too little or to infrequent, and I have to admit, when she told me that she resented me because of this, I was really hurt. After I graduated this spring I have been making a conscience effort to make our marriage better, and let her know I love her. I told her a while back to thank her for her support while I went to school that when I graduate, I would take her where ever she would like, as a result we are going to week long trip to Florida for our anniversary next month.


First, she was lying to you all the way up to the point where she finally said she resented you. All the anger she was expressing had a completely different motivation behind it. She was not angry that you wanted sex. That was just a manipulative lie to shame and guilt-trip you into backing off.

So now that she has been honest about the resentment, it needs to be stated in clear terms. The only thing you mentioned was things she says that she does for you. Instead of things she says she needs specifically from you. 

The night school and extra dog were things you brought up yourself so those are probably resentments. But you made no mention of her saying so.

A week's vacation as trade for that is too little, too late. You have to come home every day from classes letting her know how grateful you are for her pulling the weight, and do things that make her feel good about it at the time she is doing it.

While walking the dogs she doesn't want to be walking she can be thinking one of two things: how grateful her husband will be for it and how he will show it that very day. Or, how she will ram that big purple dildo home and think about some other lover instead of the man who made her walk those dogs every day with no expressions of gratitude. 

At this point you are light years apart and the only hope you have is brutally honest communication and an agreement to work on the marriage. She has culpability for letting it go so long without telling you what was wrong, and in fact lying about it.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

There seems to be deep seated resentment on her part, which may require psychologist input. Regardless of her motive, she has to want to change for the better of the relationship for it to work. She does have to realise that you both have different needs and the excuses she gives for not meeting yours are not reasonable. The dogs are not children, they should not be prioritised anywhere near your marriage. 

If she's into movies, sit with her to watch the film 'Fireproof'. Whether or not you believe in God, this is one movie that touches on the intimate details of a marriage better than any other I know.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

BadAtMarriage said:


> Call me an optimist, but I refuse to believe that it's not going to get better, though on occasion it has been very hard to keep that point of view. She is usually very loving and considerate. But when we have a disagreement/fight she's right I'm wrong no matter what. She is very strong headed and mercurial, and I choose my battles, but even then, that just means a bigger fight and I'm still wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish I could share your optimism. It may last for a few weeks but not in the long term. For the slightest reason her bad habits will come back. I speak from the same experience as you. I could almost have written your post. 
May I ask does she ever thank you for anything. Does she ever admit that you do anything for her. Or is it all 'to be expected'.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

BadAtMarriage said:


> As I said in my previous post nearly every gesture is small, and innocent, I think she just has this perception that every time touch her it has an undertone of "lets have sex!" And the thing is, when she does initiate, her favorite move is after she showers, she will yell from the top of the stairs "I'm naked" and from there it's all up to me, she will just lie there, she will never/hardly ever try and "get me in the mood", and if I don't go down on her, we would be in and out of there in five minutes.
> 
> Thank you for your advice and I hope your stomach virus clears up soon.


Thanks, it is getting better. 

A different approach: It might help to treat her like a coworker. In other words, don't be friendly or affectionate at all, and keep conversations short. Don't be rude or unsociable. She just needs to not take you for granted. 

My wife was like this a few years ago after our third child. Everything I did was "you just want sex". It got to a point were I told her to stop flattering herself. 

Some bad advice but this kind of thing worked for me in the past: I made a point to look at the kind of porn she liked, and to make it easy for her to catch me masturbating, and when she caught me, to act like I didn't even know she was there. It aroused some curiosity in her, and she ended up watching me, and eventually, participating. 

Also, there are few things that draw a womans sexual attention like having to face the fact that other women approve of her man and are perfectly open to him. 

When she thinks she has your libido on lock down and is TOO secure about that, you are in for a miserable time. 

I don't know what your dress or general appearance is, but you want to combine looking hot as hell with the somewhat ignoring her. She WILL notice the attention you get from other women. 

One last thing- what is her cycle like? Is it normal? That can be important to track. Provided her menstrual cycle is normal you want to look at day # 13 after she first bleeds. That is when she is most fertile and when she will be the horniest. Whatever game plan you come up with, you want to remember that day and plan around it.

I think you are smart for being optimistic, personally. I don't think it is a lost cause.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, are you telling me that you regularly do all of these little things for your wife, and she's telling you that you don't do enough? Sorry dude, but she knows that she's in charge and that you will do whatever she tells you to. 

Until you develop some self respect and let your wife know that you are not going to live in a sexless marriage, nothing will change. Doing more things for her will not work. All you end up doing is continually watch the goal posts move away from you.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

do not have kids with her. you need to get to a point where you are at peace in this marriage. it is very unbalanced - it seems with sex and everything else: she's always right and you're always wrong. what you have is not a marriage. you can't even kiss her or hug without her thinking it's a premeditated move for sex, so even that is avoided. This marriage is broken. You can't go on like this forever so although your wife shuts you down over and over - no sex is a marriage breaker for many marriages, which you can read here many examples. Without sex and intimacy, you guys are just platonic friends, which is not what marriage is all about. I would tell her that the marriage is in trouble, and that you want with all your being to make it work, but she's got to acknowledge that your needs are not being met and that she'll try. Otherwise, if you stick with her, you will, for sure, become more and more miserable so that even the good times aren't good enough to make you a happily married man.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> do not have kids with her. you need to get to a point where you are at peace in this marriage. it is very unbalanced - it seems with sex and everything else: she's always right and you're always wrong. what you have is not a marriage. you can't even kiss her or hug without her thinking it's a premeditated move for sex, so even that is avoided. This marriage is broken. You can't go on like this forever so although your wife shuts you down over and over - no sex is a marriage breaker for many marriages, which you can read here many examples. Without sex and intimacy, you guys are just platonic friends, which is not what marriage is all about. I would tell her that the marriage is in trouble, and that you want with all your being to make it work, but she's got to acknowledge that your needs are not being met and that she'll try. Otherwise, if you stick with her, you will, for sure, become more and more miserable so that even the good times aren't good enough to make you a happily married man.


it can break your ego, drain your confidence, possibly to never return as you suffer a boiling frog syndrome.

Her actions towards you shape how "you are treated" in your mind. She's defining that you get treated this way. It's not good even if you KNOW for a fact that you deserve more, it's just not good to let someone do you like this.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it was me, the next time she comes out of the shower and yells, "I'm naked". Tell her to put something on so she won't catch a cold.

Your being led around like the fourth dog and not doing anything about it. From what you say, your doing all these things for her and she's saying you only doing it for sex. Maybe now you'll the idea that she's controlling you. 

You said that she's using her sex toys and denying you sex. I find that to be a humiliating thing to do. You think she would like it if you were having sex with one of those life like sex dolls that cost an arm and a leg and not her? 

You also said that she's bi. Another whammy because she might be more interested in women then you. You have been doing the majority of the work in this marriage and getting scraps in return and you either have to sit her down and let her know that this type of behavior is unacceptable. If she gives you a ration of bull sh!T over it, then maybe you should tell her to find some other living accommodations until she wants to act like a wife and partner. I would think that a woman would want her husband to be aroused when he kisses her or holds her, but what she doesn't understand is when your in a semi sexless marriage, a guy is going to be aroused because there is a lack of sex. Maybe what you should do is stop being the nice guy, let her do the food shopping and do the cooking for a while. If she refuses, then make your on dinner and when she asks where dinner is, tell her it's still in the freezer, along with her heart and feelings


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Geez! FIND YOUR MANHOOD AND SELF-WORTH!

You deserve a fullfilling sexual marriage. Your wife is abusing you and you are acting like a scolded puppy and allowing it to happen. STOP IT!

Stop doing things for her
Start improving yourself physically and mentally (get some friends, work out, and do fun things)
Be willing to jump off this hamster wheel you are on.
Make it clear you are willing to spend a brief time working on the relationship; but if things don'r improve, you are gone.

I commonly tell people to go to Walmart and buy two red rubber balls to use until they can find their own. I think that advice applies to you as well.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> OP, are you telling me that you regularly do all of these little things for your wife, and she's telling you that you don't do enough? Sorry dude, but she knows that she's in charge and that you will do whatever she tells you to.
> 
> Until you develop some self respect and let your wife know that you are not going to live in a sexless marriage, nothing will change. Doing more things for her will not work. All you end up doing is continually watch the goal posts move away from you.


I agree. Not doing "more" things, but the "right" things. Which is what I think she was saying, but maybe OP is not hearing.

There is a huge huge difference. Both spouses could be working very hard at giving, but neither one can see what is being given, as it doesn't look like what they want to see. His Needs, Her Needs.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

6301 said:


> If it was me, the next time she comes out of the shower and yells, "I'm naked". Tell her to put something on so she won't catch a cold.
> 
> Your being led around like the fourth dog and not doing anything about it. From what you say, your doing all these things for her and she's saying you only doing it for sex. Maybe now you'll the idea that she's controlling you.
> 
> ...


OP are you listening to the consensus? You are a doormat. She controls how and when you are allowed to desire her. Screw her bitC*Y attitude toward sex. Time for consequences. Last I checked it is not up to her to make you happy it is only up to you to do that. In her current sate she can't make you happy and wont be willing to try as long as she can belittle how you feel until the special occasion sex with a naked corpse days are over as well. Man up, seriously.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Am I the only one that noticed he is upset at how she initiates sex.... yet..... how come she is the one that does? 

If he likes it a certain way, OP --- why is it this way? What "way" would you prefer, and why don't you do it?


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## BadAtMarriage (Aug 11, 2013)

accept said:


> I wish I could share your optimism. It may last for a few weeks but not in the long term. For the slightest reason her bad habits will come back. I speak from the same experience as you. I could almost have written your post.
> May I ask does she ever thank you for anything. Does she ever admit that you do anything for her. Or is it all 'to be expected'.


She does thank me for things and usually notices the things I do for her, though I think she quickly forgets about them and instead decides to focus on little things I either do or don't do and takes it as a slap in the face.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Do you know this for a fact? Or this how you interpret her thoughts?

It's possible that you only think she does this, that's the way you see it. Anyone would, btw. In your situation. Lack of sex is a misery breeding ground on your entire focus in life. Been there.


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## BadAtMarriage (Aug 11, 2013)

deejov said:


> Do you know this for a fact? Or this how you interpret her thoughts?
> 
> It's possible that you only think she does this, that's the way you see it. Anyone would, btw. In your situation. Lack of sex is a misery breeding ground on your entire focus in life. Been there.



She will usually, give me a kiss in the cheek, smile and say thank you. The weird thing is she always acts very touched, to the point were it's almost like I've never done anything like that for her before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

BadAtMarriage said:


> She will usually, give me a kiss in the cheek, smile and say thank you. The weird thing is she always acts very touched, to the point were it's almost like I've never done anything like that for her before.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She wants a peck on the cheek to seem intimate. Since she cannot deliver on an intimate level in any other way. A peck on the cheek is your BJ for the month.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

BadAtMarriage said:


> She will usually, give me a kiss in the cheek, smile and say thank you. The weird thing is she always acts very touched, to the point were it's almost like I've never done anything like that for her before.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


this is so sad. she's playing games with you. you are at her mercy. she wears the pants. she decides how things should go. it sounds like you do what you can to please her, and sometimes you do well, and get a pat on the head. uh uh. not good enough. she is emasculating you. read the recommended books, change yourself and maybe that will change the dynamics of the marriage. if not, and you're still made to feel bad about simply wanting what you thought came with a marriage, then it's time to walk and find the happiness that you deserve.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

My opinion ... give her some rules!

Make it clear to her that you need sex at least once a week. My wife knows that if we haven't had sex for a week, I am going to get horny. There is no point in her telling me that we can't be affectionate without me wanting sex because I have been very clear to her. 

She shouldn't be making you feel bad for wanting sex. She should be feeling bad for not providing it.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

BadAtMarriage said:


> Call me an optimist, but I refuse to believe that it's not going to get better, though on occasion it has been very hard to keep that point of view. She is usually very loving and considerate. But when we have a disagreement/fight she's right I'm wrong no matter what. She is very strong headed and mercurial, and I choose my battles, but even then, that just means a bigger fight and I'm still wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


answer this question.
Is she a controlling ***** or is she not a controlling *****?
Do you want your life to be controlled by someone or do you want control of your own life?

Now do something about it.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> My opinion ... give her some rules!
> 
> Make it clear to her that you need sex at least once a week. My wife knows that if we haven't had sex for a week, I am going to get horny. There is no point in her telling me that we can't be affectionate without me wanting sex because I have been very clear to her.
> 
> She shouldn't be making you feel bad for wanting sex. She should be feeling bad for not providing it.


 The problem with demanding sex is all he will get is mercy sex. It's like her saying "Hurry up and get it over with so I don't have to here you whining about it" I gotta tell you that would really make me feel like a loved husband. 

If it's not there then do yourself a favor and find the right woman who would enjoy making love with you and to you. Maybe you don't know this but there are women out there that would do that for their husband because they love them and they would appreciate a husband that is willing to go the extra mile for them and wouldn't take advantage of them. You got yourself a dud and until you realize that pal your stuck.


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## BadAtMarriage (Aug 11, 2013)

Just had an interesting conversation with the wife, I basically let her know that I was bothered by the fact that I was so wrong about what I thought about the status of out relationship, she ended up getting mad at me and telling me to let it go. It almost seems like she feels Defensive/guilty for how she acted. And just now I'm looking up marriage councilors and our area, and she tells me, that I would be going by myself. If I didn't knower better I would say she doesn't want anyone pointing out the error of her ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm sorry to say this because you seem like such a deeply committed guy.. Your wife has some issues that she refuses to deal with. Your marriage will not get any better unless she comes to realize that the way she deals with life just isn't working. And the way to do that is with a serious ultimatum.

Go to therapy yourself. If she continues to refuse, you will at least be getting yourself to a healthy place while you attend therapy.

Some people just refuse to be healthy, refuse to grow up, refuse to accept their part in how their lives work, or don't work. 

I'm sorry because I don't think there is much hope for your happiness with this woman.


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## BadAtMarriage (Aug 11, 2013)

I may just do that. I have no one to talk to about this, and I need to know who ever I'm talking with isn't just telling me what I want to hear, rather what I need to hear good or bad.



This morning she comes into the bedroom is nice smiley and pleasant, and she layed with me for a little while before going to get.ready.for work. I don't get how she can put on such a front leading me to believe things are okay, when she is resenting me so badly inside. No wonder we ended up fighting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

There's no good time to say "We need to talk about this" but it needs to be done if there is any chance of redeeming whatever lost love there has been. If she gives you the hint that things are OK on the outside, at least she has given the time to be available to talk and bring this to the table. 

Fighting is better than no communication. But ideally you want a civilised talk about what you both want and need out of your marriage. It is not impossible to overcome these issues but it takes two to make it happen. 

All the best with all this.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

BadAtMarriage said:


> I may just do that. I have no one to talk to about this, and I need to know who ever I'm talking with isn't just telling me what I want to hear, rather what I need to hear good or bad.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She knows that if she gives you a little love and attention that it will bring you back to her side and allow her behavior to continue. Look at the pattern


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I may have missed it, but has anyone mentioned that she may be cheating? Your first post said she was out alone, and came home in a good mood. She regularly masturbates, but doesn't want sex with you. She gets angry and defensive when counselling is brought up - sometimes people with something to hide will refuse/deride this option.


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## BadAtMarriage (Aug 11, 2013)

I doubt it. when she is out alone, she usually has one of our dogs with her to walk, and with this dog it is very clear when it hasn't been exercised.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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