# If your marriage has never been sex-starved,



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

why do you think that is?

There has been discussion on sex-starved marriages here, recently and certainly over the years, from both the male and the female side. While there is a lot to learn from those discussions, I thought it would also be interesting to examine why some marriages have never faced this issue. Are there any common denominators among couples who have not faced sexual starvation issues?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

One of the tricks is exactly what constitutes sex starved, which I imagine different people may define differently. As well, it could be possible where one person in the marriage is "sex starved" while the other is not. I agree, this thread would be interesting to hear from those who have never encountered such issues in their marriage.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yes I think this is a great question. I don't know if I have found the answer to this or not but I do know my approach has always worked. I am HD. Sex is important to me and really the best/only way I can really intimately connect. Because of this sex to me is complete non negotiable. I have made clear in all my relationships, including My marriage, that sex is not a weapon, treat, or negotiation tool. I state it, bluntly like this. 

Here are the two reasons this has worked for me both of which I see many people do wrong here on TAM.

1) if sex is used as a bargaining chip I am out and have practiced what I preach on more than one occasion. Some here don't back this up with a consequence of sex being used as a weapon, treat, or negotiation tool. If your stance is I am unhappy with sex and willing to tell you so but in the same breath say I won't leave then you really you aren't negotiating you're just complaining.

2). You have to make a good choice in a partner. What sense would it make for me to feel strongly about sex and need it for a healthy relationship then pick a partner who isn't into sex at all? Or has issues with sex, or is LD or no Drive. Again we see this all the time, mismatch on drives who know fully going in they aren't a match. What do we have a post a week on thIs?

So choose your partner well and make sure that you are on the same page about sex and consequences. 

Guess bottom line is I wouldn't be in a sexless realtioship because I wouldn't tolerate one.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

so what is considered sex starved? we currently have sex at least 5-6x a week, not counting oral. compared to 22 years ago when we would do it multiple times a day every day we are very sex starved. but if we compare it to some friends we have, we go like rabbits. A good friend has been with his girlfriend for over 2 years now and they have had sex maybe a dozen times. She just has no desire even though he is very HD. 


If both people have matching desire levels then you can't claim it is starved. Say both are extreme LD and only want sex once a year or so to attempt procreation. To most that is starved, but to them it is perfect.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I think my marriage has never been sex starved because we have great chemistry, are sexually compatible (kinks, level of desire, etc.) and have always made the marriage our priority unless there was some illness or emergency that requires immediate attention from one or both of us.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Common sense.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

If you are not willing to be in a relationship without a satisfactory amount of sex, then you won't be in a sex-starved relationship.

Of course in that case you may not be in a relationship at all, but that's a different problem.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Our second (for us both) marriage is anything but sex starved. Our first marriages were, however, and neither of us ever want that situation again, so frequent, great sex is a high priority for us and has been from the beginning. We both know we really enjoy it and the closeness it creates for us, so we keep working to maintain that connection. Even though age and hormone issues are making libido less reliable, we are addressing that problem medically, and also by making an effort to keep good sex as a *habit* - even when libido doesn't remind us we're horny. And yes, good sex is not just desire, it is habit - just like staying healthy through exercise is an effort and a good habit you develop even when you lack the desire to go to the gym regularly. If something breaks the habit temporarily, you make the effort to reestablish it - because we remember that it is well worth the effort.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Dug is very attracted to me. I think that is the main reason our marriage has never been sex-starved.

Honestly, I think his attraction/devotion/commitment/love for me is the foundation of our marriage and family life, and the reason for any success we have had in either area.

A man of great character is simply not going to fail in life. Not in the important areas, anyway.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> A man of great character is simply not going to fail in life. Not in the important areas, anyway.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Define sex starved, clinical definition is either 10 or less, or less than 10 times per year, not sure if that is 9 or 10 times in a year <g>. 

That is a very low bar. If that is the standard we've probably never hit it in any given year. Never the less, frequency has sucked way more often than not for most of the time after the ceremony.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

anonmd said:


> Define sex starved, clinical definition is either 10 or less, or less than 10 times per year, not sure if that is 9 or 10 times in a year <g>.
> 
> That is a very low bar. If that is the standard we've probably never hit it in any given year. Never the less, frequency has sucked way more often than not for most of the time after the ceremony.


Everyone probably defines sexual starvation differently. Use whatever standard works for you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

anonmd said:


> Define sex starved, clinical definition is either 10 or less, or less than 10 times per year, not sure if that is 9 or 10 times in a year <g>.
> 
> That is a very low bar. If that is the standard we've probably never hit it in any given year. Never the less, frequency has sucked way more often than not for most of the time after the ceremony.


No, that's the clinical definition of a _sexless_ relationship. Sex starved is having "considerably" less sex than you'd like, or perhaps considerably less than you've been used to for a long time in the same relationship. For me, that would be less than 4x a week - far above what's considered sexless.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

jld said:


> why do you think that is?
> 
> There has been discussion on sex-starved marriages here, recently and certainly over the years, from both the male and the female side. While there is a lot to learn from those discussions, I thought it would also be interesting to examine why some marriages have never faced this issue. *Are there any common denominators among couples who have not faced sexual starvation issues?*


Not sure if there are common denominators other than being lucky enough to have met someone you are truly compatible with.

But as a person that lived in a sexless marriage in a past life the factors that make this abundant relationship different are:

True love and like for each other.
Able to communicate even through the tough issues.
Similar styles of sex.
Similar desire levels.
Great connection outside the bedroom (did have this with first husband as well).
We want each other to feel truly fulfilled and happy inside and outside the bedroom.
Extremely attracted to each other.
Both very good people, hard working, similar core values and morals. We work well side by side to keep our family and house well looked after. No resentment that either is contributing more or the other less.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MrsHolland said:


> Not sure if there are common denominators other than being lucky enough to have met someone you are *truly compatible *with.
> 
> But as a person that lived in a sexless marriage in a past life the factors that make this abundant relationship different are:
> 
> ...


I think the bolded pretty much sums it up, Mrs. Holland.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*"Sex-starved?" Been there, done that! Ain't going back to that misery! 

Let's just say that any potential Ms. Arbitrator is going to have to demonstrably love sex and never try to use it as an emotional ploy or some kind of a bargaining chip!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

We've never been sex starved though my husband wanted more back in the day.. I was oblivious to how he felt as he was more one to "stuff" and not push.. when going through infertility.. he didn't want to rock the boat.. during that time period.. although I always had a healthy sex drive (after a few days, if anything aroused me.. I would go after him- he knew this)... but still I allowed my energy to be focused other places and sometimes it could be 4- 5 days before we had sex.. shame shame.. it should have never been.. had more sex in our 40's over any other time.. I wouldn't be able to stuff my desire like my husband.. I honestly don't know how anyone could do this.. and not be angry, antsy, and start resenting their spouse... 

I think my husband's desire is even a little higher over mine these days.. but never again will I allow myself to be so focused other places.. when we fight & have it out with each other (pretty rare really).. we always seem to make up very quickly (within hours) and about 95% of the time we have make up sex.. he has accused me of fighting for make up sex -when my drive was 'Insatiable"..... I can't say this was my aim... but I was still happy it ended that way!... he could think of worse things.. we both love the intimacy.. even if our drives are slowing down.. in this way we are very compatible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

happy2gether said:


> so what is considered sex starved? we currently have sex at least 5-6x a week, not counting oral. compared to 22 years ago when we would do it multiple times a day every day we are very sex starved. but if we compare it to some friends we have, we go like rabbits. A good friend has been with his girlfriend for over 2 years now and they have had sex maybe a dozen times. She just has no desire even though he is very HD.
> 
> 
> If both people have matching desire levels then you can't claim it is starved. Say both are extreme LD and only want sex once a year or so to attempt procreation. To most that is starved, but to them it is perfect.


I believe that a sexless marriage is defined as one in which they have sex 10 or fewer times a year.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrsHolland said:


> Not sure if there are common denominators other than being lucky enough to have met someone you are truly compatible with.


I think that it goes beyond being truly compatible.

Sexlessness in a marriage is often caused by problem in the marriage and the inability of one or both of the spouses to deal with them.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

We talked about it before getting married. Sex is not a weapon, it's not a reward. It is necessary and expected, even when mad at eachother. My wife used the word oxygen in that conversation.

Being able to talk about it helped too. Years ago she said she didn't really enjoy it fully before going to sleep, could we try mornings. Hmm, I thought, I'm not a morning person but I'll give it a shot. Worked out great. But as I'm getting older mornings are mornings are starting to be a crap shot for me. We talked, still trying to figure out what works best for both of us.

Our "OMG I'm so antsy I gotta get some now, f it, we're calling in sick" number of days in between was the same. 

That, and somehow organically we developed a standing Sunday afternoon date. So even if life gets extra real it's at least once a week, not ideal but does help prevent starvation.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I believe that a sexless marriage is defined as one in which they have sex 10 or fewer times a year.


Hell, that means that we've had a sexless six years - don't think we've had sex more than five or six times in that span.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I think that it goes beyond being truly compatible.
> 
> Sexlessness in a marriage is often caused by problem in the marriage and the inability of one or both of the spouses to deal with them.


Ele, do you think that the couple's ability to successfully resolve conflict might be considered part of true compatibility?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

jld said:


> Ele, do you think that the couple's ability to successfully resolve conflict might be considered part of true compatibility?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ah ha yes this is what I was trying to work out in my mind after reading EGs quote.

Over here in our little world we have conflict over various things (second marriage for both, all sorts of stuff to do with ex's, blending the family, finances etc) but we do get there in the end. We love our life together so much that we both say to each other that we want to work hard, together, as a team to resolve any issue that comes up. To me this is a true compatibility.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MrsHolland said:


> Ah ha yes this is what I was trying to work out in my mind after reading EGs quote.
> 
> Over here in our little world we have conflict over various things (second marriage for both, all sorts of stuff to do with ex's, blending the family, finances etc) but we do get there in the end. We love our life together so much that we both say to each other that we want to work hard, together, as a team to resolve any issue that comes up. To me this is a true compatibility.


I think so, too, MH. 

Dug and I certainly have our conflicts. But somehow it all works out. 

I always feel like he makes things work out, but I probably contribute my share of peacemaking, too. I am very drawn to him.

When two people love each other and want to be together, things seem to have a way of working themselves out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Yes I think this is a great question. I don't know if I have found the answer to this or not but I do know my approach has always worked. I am HD. Sex is important to me and really the best/only way I can really intimately connect. Because of this sex to me is complete non negotiable. I have made clear in all my relationships, including My marriage, that sex is not a weapon, treat, or negotiation tool. I state it, bluntly like this.
> 
> Here are the two reasons this has worked for me both of which I see many people do wrong here on TAM.
> 
> ...


This is me as well, and I made it very clear to my wife early on that for me, I would not tolerate weaponization of sex, sex is not a currency with me, not a negotiation tool. I also practice what I preach, and showed her that very early on in our relationship. There was a situation where she knew I was upset with her, and she tried to make it all better with sex, and I shut her down cold. I don't think it was a sh1t test on her part, just more what she was used to in how things worked in her past relationships. Even now, she'll occasionally, and playfully throw out the whole "I'll make it worth your while" wink, wink. I know she is teasing with it, and not trying to actually use it, but I always respond with "You'd do it anyway." and she knows she would.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Back when I was married we had a very active sex life. I think the key was that I was younger I once dated a LD woman that used sex to control men, and I had learned to my lesson on how to identify and avoid women like that. Therefore, by the time I started dating my XWW I was able to communicate my expectations openly when we first began the relationship and that pattern carried on throughout our time together. Of course I had a lot of other things going for me like being attractive, in shape, smart, successful, and was very good at supporting and prioritizing her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrsHolland said:


> Ah ha yes this is what I was trying to work out in my mind after reading EGs quote.
> 
> Over here in our little world we have conflict over various things (second marriage for both, all sorts of stuff to do with ex's, blending the family, finances etc) but we do get there in the end. We love our life together so much that we both say to each other that we want to work hard, together, as a team to resolve any issue that comes up. To me this is a true compatibility.


I think that it's an aspect of compatibility that often gets over looked. During the infatuation period, couples usually have no problem with this. It's later, then the rose colored glasses come off that they suddenly realize that they are about to talk things through. One might hold on to their anger/resentment. Or one might make to too hard for the other to bring anything up.


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