# Am I as bad as my wife says?



## Kryten (Oct 7, 2013)

Hey everyone,

First, an introduction. My name is Kryten, and I am 100% new to these forums, so please be gentle.  I have already reviewed the board rules, but I may forget something.

Anyway, I am posting here to ask for advice on my marriage situation. I don't know where else to turn, except for some anonymous online help. Some background: I met my wife about 4 years ago, and we hooked up almost right away. Everything just "clicked." One year ago, we got married and everything have been fine for the most part since then. We have a daughter (step-daughter to me), and three months ago, we discovered that she is expecting. I am very excited, but extremely stressed out at the same time.

Yesterday, my wife and I got into an argument about something stupid: I forgot to wring out a mop when I was finished with it (I've taken to mopping our dog's kennel room since she became pregnant). It was an oversight on my part, I admit it. She went ballistic about how I always say "I forget" things, and how I might have a real memory problem that would require a dr's visit. She went on to say that she believes, however, my memory is not as bad as I tend to forget things, and that I half-ass things on purpose to get out of them. She told me I need to "man up" and "grow up" and start taking more initiative with my responsibilities. She says she is tired of doing everything for me, and that she is not my mom or "baby-sitter."

I did not yell back, and I let her vent. This is not the first time this has happened. In fact, she explodes at me about once a week these days, and it is making me miserable. For the record, I am the breadwinner in the house - a full-time job, no problems at work. I have to juggle work and home life, which has especially hard since I've been taking on more chores to help her while she is pregnant (dishes, clean up of all 4 pets, laundry, putting away leftovers, odds and ends). In fact, yesterday before our argument, I had just vacuumed the entire first floor, cleaned the litter boxes (cat & rabbit), did the dishes, and was just helping her store away baby stuff when we found a basement leak. She scoffed at me for coming to tell her, instead of just doing something about it, as if I was expecting her to do it (I wasn't, I believe in communication of these things). But I wanted to help more, to take more off her plate as per this book on pregnancy advice for dads-to-be I've been reading.

I don't know. I'm a nice guy, I like to think. I don't drink or smoke (she does, she's having a very hard time quitting). I don't think I forget things often, she just gives me an information overload. But I can't talk to her about any of this. Whenever I do, I guess I sound whiney and she just gets angry at me for making stuff up. I can't tell her I'm unhappy - she almost left me last time I said that (this past spring). I just want to stop yelling and me, and telling me what's wrong with my behavior. I'll be fine if she can be pleasant again like she was.

Sorry if this post is too long, and you are a true hero if you read all the way this far.  What should I do? I can give more details if necessary.

Thanks!


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My advice: duck and cover. She's pregnant, quitting smoking and quitting drinking all at once. She's gonna be impossible to live with for at least the next year.

She should also be doing some reading so that she at least recognizes that these things are going to be issues right now. Does she at least admit she has a problem here?


----------



## Kryten (Oct 7, 2013)

Thanks for the quick reply, Hope!

She has been doing some reading, mainly in the form of baby magazines, and online research. She has been doing a lot of searching online while I am at work to find things for the registry. I trust her judgement on this, because she has been through all this before (albeit 11 years ago) and I haven't. I still give my input when I can, though.

She does not admit that she has any faults with this. All problems seem to stem from my issues or lack of doing something. Like I said, I cannot talk to her about it after the first time, as that just results in her getting more mad. The finger always gets pointed back to me and my faults. What am I sill doing wrong? I am genuinely confused and hurt.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Adding to what Hope said, it doesn't really matter if you're that bad if that's what your wife thinks. Have you tried discussing when she's calm and happy? Pregnancy hormones can make is a little crazy though, and the quitting drinking/smoking thing is not helping.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

When I said reading, I meant about what to expect while pregnant, not what curtains to buy for the nursery.

You're not the only one at fault here. I am not saying you're blameless because all I have to go by is what you're saying, and we all make ourselves look like the good guy. But if she isn't willing to smarten up and take at least some of the 'blame' for lack of a better word here, you have your hands REALLY full. The fact she doesn't admit to any fault is very troubling.

You are going to HAVE to talk to her. Put on a suit of armor. Set a time - a 'date' with her - and tell her that the issues that you have WILL be addressed. When she gets mad, just weather the storm but don't quit.

I feel for you. You couldn't pay me enough to be in your situation. I was pregnant three times and no way would I have wanted to have had to live with me.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

She's three months pregnant and can't do any chores? Lucky girl. 

It's going to suck even more over the next 6 months...and then for the next 18 years. 

I'd get her to go to counseling with you. Present it to her as a relationship building thing. NOT about her being freaking mean. 

Pregnant or not.... walk away when she gets negative. You can tell her that you are going to do this. If you are doing all this extra work, then she can like it or do it herself. A little appreciation goes a long way. 

And why doesn't the 11 yr old take on some pet/laundry chores? Time to start thinking of a chore chart. Spread the joy.

Good luck.


----------



## Kryten (Oct 7, 2013)

Sorry, I should stipulate that she is not quitting drinking as a habit. Smoking, yes. She would have a drink once every month or two, but cutting out alcohol has not been an issue for her. Neither of us drink regularly.

lifeistooshort:
It's hard for me to tell when she's calm and happy, her mood changes at a moment's notice. In any case, I think she is still sore at me after yesterday's ordeal I described in my OP.

Hope1964:
That very well may be a good way to go. I can't think of any other way to explain things to her.

SunnyT:
Her daughter lives with her dad most of the year, so she's not around except in the summer months and holidays. My wife has already tasked me with a chore chart, but she was upset that she had to make one (supposedly I don't do chores, which I do when I get the chance). counseling would be a good idea. She decided I need to figure out on my own parenting classes for us, so maybe I can sneak this in there.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Pregnancy plus quitting smoking = huge sh!tstorm. HUGE. I know.

Everything I said still stands.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sounds to me like the wrong ***** is in the kennel room. Aside from that, good luck and listen to the other posters!


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

About the animals - whose are they?


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Your wife is mean.
You take it. Stop doing that.
Take charge of how people treat you. Demand respect
Walk away when disrespected.
Do not engage with anyone acting crazy
Walk away when disrespected
Walk away when disrespected...and laugh so she can hear you as you walk away.
eventually she will abuse someone else, or finally seek therapy for being mean.
if she chooses someone else, don't forget to mention to them to walk away when disrespected.


----------



## Kryten (Oct 7, 2013)

We have a dog, two cats, and a rabbit. Only the rabbit is mine. Honestly, the dog is psycho, I wish she never got him and I hate having to clean up after him - she adopted him when we were dating. The dog was her responsibility entirely until she got pregnant, and I agreed I need to do pets from now on.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Kryten said:


> For the record, I am the breadwinner in the house - a full-time job, no problems at work. I have to juggle work and home life, which has especially hard since I've been taking on more chores to help her while she is pregnant (dishes, clean up of all 4 pets, laundry, putting away leftovers, odds and ends).


You realize that *pregnancy is not a disease*, right? She's pregnant, she's not an invalid (unless she's having other complications that you aren't telling us). 




> _I can't tell her I'm unhappy - she almost left me last time I said that (this past spring)._


For the rest of your story, we don't have her side of this, however, she is VERY much in the wrong on this point right here. If you can't tell her that you are unhappy, that means that you can't work out your problems together, or even see a marriage counselor. Your wife is your life partner, for heaven sakes! If you can't tell her what's bothering you, who can you tell? Unlike some people here, I don't think pregnancy hormones should result in a "free pass" for awful behavior. 

There is another way you can tell her you are unhappy, without saying it verbally. Whenever she yells at you, don't answer her back and leave the room or the house immediately. Rinse and repeat enough times and she will get the message. She will also lose the satisfaction of having a punching bag around for her to beat up on.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why does being pregnant preclude cleaning up after a dog?? Last I heard, only cat feces carried diseases that pregnant women have to watch out for.

And the cats? Whose are those?

As for the cats, and this is totally off topic but I type it only to make your life easier, consider putting them on a raw food diet and changing their litter to wood pellets. We have 3 cats and 3 litter boxes, and only have to change litter every 2 weeks. Their sh!t literally does does smell when all they get is raw food, and the wood pellets are far cheaper than cats litter, and far better at absorbing the smell. The wood pellets are the kind that wood pellet stoves take.

Anyway, yeah, you are going to have to talk to her. HAVE to. You're gonna have to find a way. If she really won't talk to you, what the hell kind of relationship is that??


----------



## 143 (Oct 7, 2013)

Could she be acting out because scared or nervous about her pregnancy? It sounds she is getting support from you around the house but what about emotional support? Letting her know you are there for her may be all she needs to chill out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Man up!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I just had a baby so I know how all of the place you can be with your emotions. I have a thread on here where early on in pregnancy I went a littler beserk on my H. His response was controversial to say the least. It's entitle something like is he a jerk or am I a brat. Might be a interesting read for you esspecially some of the male response. 

It was the first and last time during the pregnancy. That not to say I wasn't all over the place with emotion. But I pretty much would just go to another room and let my emotion play out. Plus my H was gone a lot for business during my pregnancy. 

One thing you might consider - she might be feeling so guilty about smoking and drink while pregnant that she is just channel it on to you because she can't handle the guilt.

About the housework - housework was a very good form of exercise to keep moving and active for me. I even cut our grass once or twice while my H was out of town. He was not happy. LOL!


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

She's furious you didn't wringe out a mop.....are you furious every time she lights up a smoke and hurts your unborn child?


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

First. It's not that hard to house break a dog. It's called a routine. Feed the dog and take him outside. Keep doing this and the dog will know that after he eats, he needs to go out. What the hell is the purpose of having a dog when no one bothers to train them. It's not a dog, it's a beast.

Second. My first wife was always real fast with the nasty comments and she never would stop. I've heard of "Al anon" before but she belonged to "and on and on". One night I was just having a bad day all around and needed some quiet time. I was self employed and just starting out and things were not going my way. She comes in to the other room and starts screaming for me to be a man and stop feeling sorry for myself. 

Well, after that I got up from the chair and turned on the TV. This was the early 70's and watched Star Trek. I saw my hero that night. Mister Spock. No emotions and just a matter in fact type of attitude. I followed and pulled a Spock. The next day when she asked how my day was, my reply was fine. She asked if I'm hungry. My reply. Yes. I kept everything low key and used a few words as possible. Answered questions with few words and said nothing else and went about my business like she wasn't there. When she asked if something was wrong, I smiled and said "No. Why?" I kept this up for maybe ten days and she got the message but only after she got pissed and said she was leaving and going over her GF's house. She then stated that she might not come back. I looked the woman in the eyes and told her that if that's the case then when she closes the door behind her, to keep on going because I will not take her back so pack a lot of clothes and have a good life. She left and came back a few hours later. God how I wish she would have never come back.


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

She is pregnant not flicking disabled. Aside from kitty litter stop treating her like a flicking princess and she will stop acting like one. Pregnancy is no excuse to dump a buttload on a spouse and if she is sahm she should be expected to bear her own weight as usual barring any medical issues that put her on total bed rest.

Again, pregnant not flicking disabled.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

When did becoming pregnate give you a ticket to act crazy? Plus, like stated by CantePe it's not a disability. I had a full time job, when to school full time too. I was asking my husband if I was different during pregnancy he said I wasn't. I do recall feeling a bit vulnerable and the postpartum depression, but I was never mean to my husband or acted "hormonal". maybe my husband is lucky 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kryten (Oct 7, 2013)

Hey guys,

Wow, a lot of great responses! Thanks to everyone for your feedback.

Since my last post, I came home from work and she seemed a lot more subdued today. 6301, your described reaction is spot on to how I communicate with her after a fight - cold and emotionless. Terse answers. She asked me how my day was, and I said it was fine. No anger or yelling. She was in a good mood because she just started her new contract job today, so that was a relief. Later she asked me if I am okay, and I said that I've been dealing with a bundle of negative emotions today. She said about what? And I said it was about the stuff that went on yesterday. She didn't seem to remember?

After supper, I had to run to Walmart and get some aluminum duct tape (great stuff, btw!) to fix a piece of duct work in the basement. Our previous house tenants were not good at repairs. Right as I headed out, she said "Please don't be mad at me" in a quiet voice. I said I wasn't mad, I was just worried that she was still mad at me. She replied by saying that once she gets a vent out, she's not mad anymore. I went on my way, but this confuses the heck outta me. If yesterday's rant was about something that's been grating at her for a long while, why would she not be mad anymore? What? I'm so confused. Should I chalk this up to pregnancy, hormones, 'n such?

Oh, to address the dog kennel issue - he poops in there. While she still has morning sickness, she can't handle the smell. Her sense of smell is much more enhanced right now, and for the first few months, she was throwing up just about every day. The sickness has subsided a bit now (not all the way), but now she's in the back pain and can't-bend-over-easy stage. The cat litter box I will handle, I didn't mean that as a complaint. I won't let her clean that out, we both agreed it's too dangerous to her and the baby.

I might be able to talk to her tomorrow about it, if she's still in a good mood. Thank you all for the great advice (except Sbrown - I think he's trolling).


----------



## jdd (Aug 30, 2013)

Kryten said:


> (except Sbrown - I think he's trolling).


I think he is talking about the process described in the book No more Mr. Nice Guy.

Search for "No more Mr. Nice guy" on this forum.

Here is the book on Amazon: No More Mr Nice Guy:Amazon:Books


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

The next time she acts like that(mean,name calling,etc,etc)

stop her and say I don't know who the F you think your talking too but nobody and I mean nobody talks to me like that.

then leave for a long while maybe stay at your moms or close friends. when she calls tell her if she can't control herself and her nasty comments then you want out. 

pregnant or not its wrong and I would not give her a free pass to verbally abuse the person who is supporting her.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

What an unappreciative b-tch... no offense... but I would tell her to get the fk out of my house.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

3 months pregnant and can't bend over? Good luck for next half year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

nogutsnoglory said:


> Your wife is mean.
> You take it. Stop doing that.
> Take charge of how people treat you. Demand respect
> Walk away when disrespected.
> ...


I agree. Your wife IS mean. Highly disrespectful too.

I get pms and my hormones were unpredictable when pregnant. I did not take it out on my husband and I let him know when I'm pms'ing or crabby. I try my best to stay out of his way and if I do snap at him, I apologize. 

Your wife has zero respect for you. You should be able to communicate to her freely without her threatening divorce.

I'm sorry your in this situation. She is verbally abusing you and it's up to you to take action. Don't be her punching bag.


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

A slight tangent but I just wanted to thank you for your OP, particularly the bit about your wife giving you "information overload". My husband is constantly forgetting things and your post just gave me an insight on what it is like being on that side of the fence. (I know you said you don't think you forget that much). So I am really going to try not to give information overload from now on.

My husband would say he is a nice guy but he often drives me absolutely mental by doing things he thinks are helpful and I think are interfering. Or he forgets stuff. Or breaks stuff. Difference between me and your wife is that I generally bite my tongue.

My husband also vents, very loudly and aggressively. He says that once the vent is out he is fine. Problem is, I am not fine. I hate it and am then in a bad mood myself. Sorry - as you can see I don't have any answers for you. Just empathy.


----------

