# tried to date, now I am hurt



## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

I don't expect a bunch of sympathy. I just need somewhere to send this away.

I am sooooo pissed at myself.  I met someone at church. It turns out that we also work at the same place. :slap: I had no intention of trying to date her. I noticed her as I saw some things in her that I was missing in my marriage. I think she must have noticed my interest. I had no intention to see her, but she invited me to a church gathering and I went.

We had a nice conversation and exchanged phone numbers. GRRR. We began talking on the phone once in a while. We got our kids together for a trip to a planetarium.

Then, one day, she asked to meet at a coffee shop. She told me she liked me, but was worried about my divorce. She said she would not trust me. She accused me of lying about being divorced. I said that I was divorced and that I would show her the divorce papers. She said she wanted to see them. I showed them to her. 

The phone calls continued, became more intimate; sharing our childhood histories, our struggles with doing the wrong things, spirituality; lots of emotional stuff.

A week later, she asked to meet at the coffee shop again. She said something about not meeting at each others house (which I had been refusing to do anyway), to decrease the phone calls and emails. I said "okay." I quit calling and sending emails. A few days later, she calls complaining about backing off like that.

I figured she was confused. I figured she liked me and was afraid of getting hurt again. So, we resumed the phone calls, email, etc.

Another week goes by and we are at the coffee shop again. Same conversation about, "I can't get over that you are divorced from a 19 year marriage." More rules about only calling once per week and not emailing each other.

I refuse to continue getting hurt like this. My heart is heavy and I am having trouble letting her go. She wants to continue a friendship, but I don't think I can handle that. We work for the same place, go to the same church, and attend the same Bible study group. I got too emotionally involved and can't stand the thought of getting close again and then getting pushed away.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Say goodbye to her! She is being judgemental. I set a new boundary for myself: nobody is going to judge me.

Bye bye


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sorry to hear. I can totally see this happening to a lot of people. A lot of us have a "friend" of the opposite sex that we'd like to get to know a little better.

Honestly - she sounds a bit dramatic to me! Move along - be cordial - but i would avoid letting things get too personal again...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Look after yourself first. She seems just a tad melodramatic and perhaps "control freakish" for the likes of you. Just keep searching, even if you must change churches in order to minimize contact with her. Seems to me that neither of you are that well-suited for each other. Trust me: you will know when you run into the right lady! Best of luck to you!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Say goodbye. That's how dating works, you try on lots of coats before you find one that fits. This one comes with too many issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

I wonder if a bit of your thinking here is due to the fact that you just cannot figure her out (which when someone goes back and forth is a HUGE red flag). I know a lady that I was talking to about 6 months ago that I wanted to date but she would chat for a while and then I would not hear from her again. I think part of me wanting her is because I can't seem to figure out a way to get her, if that makes any sense at all. Wonder if I would actually want to date this woman if she let me in? Who knows. Point is, I think we all, to a certain degree, want what we can't have. 

I agree, with everyone else thus far. Find some other nice lady that shares the same desire you do for a relationship.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What's to figure out? :scratchhead:
She is a nut job. It was evident when she convened the first meeting at her favorite coffee shop and accused you of lying. 

That was the point at which you should have looked fixedly at her for a 5 count, stood up and exited stage left without so much as a howdy do. Showing a batsh!t crazy woman your divorce papers is simply not done. WTF

Why are you hurt? You should take yourself out for a few drinks and a nice dinner. At the rate you were going, if she didn't "hurt" you by breaking it off, you would still be seeing her. 

This is what you need to do. You pick out the woman YOU want to see. Date at lest 10 women and at the same time, work on regaining you A game. 

You are toooooo open and not demanding enough. If you don't watch it, you will end up with some woman that will make your life miserable. 

Study up on how crazy people act. When you see the red flags, drop them within 1 minute of discovering their set of cards is short 4 aces. Be impolite and move fast.

BTW get another handle, the one you have does not do you justice.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Make a little mind-set shift.

Make your heart something that a potential partner has to earn, instead of something that you give away and hope the person you give it to doesn't treat it poorly ... like this woman did.

This character isn't someone you should ever allow to 'hurt' you. She shouldn't have that kind of power. She hasn't earned it. Nor should she.

And remember, people will always treat you exactly in the fashion that you teach them to. Think about that one before you choose to show another woman your divorce papers.


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## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

Thanks for the input. I can say, however difficult, I learned a lot from this. You are all right. I gave her way too much power. Because of this experience, I have decided the following boundaries for myself:
1. Friendly chats are okay, but open heart sharing is off limits
2. Avoid the following red flags
a. persons with history of multiple failed relationships
b. persons who accuse me of something they are doing (Don't judge me! while they are casting judgement about my past).
c. persons with lack of similar interests (spirituality, music tastes, tv tastes, exercise, love for kids, etc).
d. persons who say that they have resolved past issues, but is clear that they are issues not resolved.
e. persons who don't accept my boundaries!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Mrlonelyhearts said:


> I don't expect a bunch of sympathy. I just need somewhere to send this away.
> 
> I am sooooo pissed at myself.  I met someone at church. It turns out that we also work at the same place. :slap: I had no intention of trying to date her. I noticed her as I saw some things in her that I was missing in my marriage. I think she must have noticed my interest. I had no intention to see her, but she invited me to a church gathering and I went.
> 
> ...


Dude, she's just not into self-care. Otherwise she would not be calling you to the coffee shop for new marching orders every time she gets antsy. Instead of doing this to you and rule setting to make herself feel better, experimentally, she should haul her pretty butt into therapy. Dont' be hurt, but just tell her you think she should manage her relationships better from the start, that you're not some kind of kitchen appliance to be reprogrammed every time she changes the recipe or what she wants for dinner. Egads. I couldn't imagine yanking a friend around like that, let alone someone I worked with AND worshipped with. Where is the Godly brotherhood in treatment like that? If she was paying attention to her feelings in the first place, she wouldn't get herself backed into these corners where you needed to change what you were doing to save her psychological a**.


Be kind, but be firm. Be supportive and tell her she isn't ready for a relationship, at least not with you, and that you feel yanked around and that you are looking for someone 'with a different communication style' that you are 'more comfortable with'. So she's going to try to diss you because you got divorced after 19 years. Like a relationship failure is entirely on you, which we all know it's never like that, it takes two to be in any relationship, when a relationship is successful, we never attribute it to just one person, well the same applies to failures. Even in a really bad relationship (like mine) one person chose to stay (yep, that would be me). So it still takes two to failure, and beware, because if she pins a 19 year ending on you, when and if you had a relationship with her and it failed, guess who will be blamed????? Surprise surprise (not).

Don't feel hurt, feel EDUCATED (and liberated). Move on, Move on.

By contrast, when I started dating my man, I recognized my feelings that I needed to deal with when I knew he wanted to be serious, I sent him a short message that said 'excuse me if I become paranoid and distant for a few days'...then I became distant for a few days and he was cool with it. I identified my needs, communicated them, and trusted him to understand and respond in kind and to wait for me to establish contact again. Easy peasy. That's why this guy and I established a serious relationship with a commitment for the future, and is standing up even under current extreme circumstances that happened two weeks later. Identification and communication of feelings is key. Not after the fact. That is just brutal and doesn't need to happen. She sounds really immature and insecure. You can't fix that for her. She needs to do it for herself, and it just isn't happening right now. You are doing her a favor by backing off entirely. She is just going to short circuit and end up going nuts, and she'll blame it on anyone who is nearby and therefore culpable.


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## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

Wow, I am touched by the thoughtful advice here. Thank-you!



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Be kind, but be firm. Be supportive and tell her she isn't ready for a relationship, at least not with you, and that you feel yanked around and that you are looking for someone 'with a different communication style' that you are 'more comfortable with'.


I can do this. I will have to touch base with her after my kids go home. They are with me for the weekend and I am focusing my attention on them while they are here.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Don't feel hurt, feel EDUCATED (and liberated). Move on, Move on.


I hear you all loud and clear and am feeling a need for myself to move on. I do feel very educated. I know that any feelings I have will eventually pass, especially as I limit time with her.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I sent him a short message that said 'excuse me if I become paranoid and distant for a few days'...


The last time we met at the coffee shop, I told her that when something bothers me, I go into my cave. I said that I was confused and would probably do that. I told her the old Chinese proverb, "Don't go into the cave or else you will wake the dragon." I think she understood that.

I will follow up on what happens when I am able to talk to her again. Thank you again for the heartfelt support/advice.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

How I figure out any relationship and how to relate is when I/it feels healthy, I know I am doing the right thing. This goes for myself, too, time spent alone, knowing when I am behaving in a way that promotes my well being...

You'll be fine. 
Once you take care of things to recenter, it will feel different.


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