# Need an outside perspective on my mistake(?)



## Countrylife (Jul 5, 2014)

Need some help to gain clarity about myself and how to proceed please--I think I've made a huge mistake in marrying.

Met my husband of 9 months online. We're not kids, he's 60, I'm 58. I lived in a large city, he lived very rurally (in a neighboring state). I sold everything, quit a high-paying job and moved to his home. I brought quite a bit of money to the marriage, he had none but worked for himself and made a very average living. I knew all that and signed up for it. It was to be a big change for me, but I was ready to get out of the rat race and start a new life. (my 1st husband of 35 years died 2 years previously.)

Our dream was to build a house in the country--he's a very talented builder. Before our marriage, he'd gotten a loan to do the construction work. To make a long story short(er), the loan money was spent very quickly, and now half of the money I brought to the marriage is gone too! (low 6 figures).

Stupidly, I put my money into joint accounts with him--since my first husband and I saw eye-to-eye on financial and other issues, I assumed this was the way to go in a happy marriage--and we had discussed finances before our marriage--I just didn't ask ENOUGH questions I guess.

"Our" house is still in the basement stage! "My" money supporting this house build, his business and us has been the way of it . I'm a saver--he's always just made ends meet. We've talked about how I'm tired of footing the bills for this build and everything else. He simply says "what do you want to do?" In his mind, he's doing what we both wanted--building this house. If I say stop now--we have no house and I continue to foot the bills for his business, only less so if he goes back to work. If he goes back to work, he can't build our house.

I don't see any way out of this mess. If I say stop on the house, I foresee huge resentment on his part although he says not. The only thing running through my mind lately is running away from this mess I've created. I've been so consumed with leaving, I can't think rationally about how to/what other options there are for us.

I do love him, but wonder if he loves me--the communication, sex, everything has basically stopped. Probably because we're both stressed about this. Can anyone provide clarity for me? I'll probably get pretty beat up here! But I do own the fact that I should have asked MORE questions about finances etc. before I married. Thanks.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

My initial reaction is that you should promptly invest in an accountant or financial planner and have him/her figure out exactly where the money is going here.

How does a business and a house unexpectedly eat up six figures worth of cash without anyone noticing this is a problem?

Anyway, the accountant may be able to get the house on track and evaluate the feasibility of the business so you can make smarter financial decisions. Solve the source of conflict and it's likely a lot of resentment on either side would go away.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Countrylife said:


> I think I've made a huge mistake in marrying.


Sadly, I think you have too. You barely knew eachother when you got married.



Countrylife said:


> I sold everything, *quit a high-paying job* and moved to his home.


I can't imagine quitting a high paying job at age 58 -- good jobs are very hard to come by these days, especially trying to find new employment at your age.



Countrylife said:


> and now half of the money I brought to the marriage is gone too! (low 6 figures).


You've gone through half your money in 9 months. Presumably, you'll blow through the rest in another 9 months or less. What is your plan to renew your income source when the money is gone?



Countrylife said:


> Stupidly, I put my money into joint accounts with him--since my first husband and I saw eye-to-eye on financial and other issues, I assumed this was the way to go in a happy marriage--and we had discussed finances before our marriage--I just didn't ask ENOUGH questions I guess.


You absolutely did not ask enough questions. You can not assume your new husband would be anything like your first husband.



Countrylife said:


> I don't see any way out of this mess. If I say stop on the house, I foresee huge resentment on his part although he says not. The only thing running through my mind lately is running away from this mess I've created. I've been so consumed with leaving, I can't think rationally about how to/what other options there are for us.


For starters, I would definitely pull the plug on the new house. Can you sell the land? You already have the basement dug, perhaps someone will want to buy it and complete the project.

How did he spend all the loan money and he's only gotten to the point of digging a basement?! Wasn't the loan to cover the entire project? Typically banks give construction loans in installments. It doesn't make sense that there wouldn't be more installments coming.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I am baffled at how quickly people get themselves into these financial nightmare situations. You really had a good deal going, but you've blindly trusted someone you don't really know  It just doesn't sound like a well thought-out plan. At age 60, most people are thinking about retiring and downsizing. Not building big new dream homes, which HE clearly can't afford on his business income.

You say you love him. Only YOU know if this marriage is worth saving. Personally, I'd be heading back to the city trying to get my old job back.


----------



## Countrylife (Jul 5, 2014)

so true I'm afraid


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So he's gone through the loan money and "low 6 figures" of your money. On what? Is there any value for it?

While I don't know that you need to end your marriage over this, it does seem like you need to stop the financial bleeding. If that ends up causing resentments that end your marriage, so be it. 

How long did you date before getting married?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

find out how much will it take to complete the house, and how much will it be worth when it's done. A basement by itself isn't worth much.

write out a budget, a building plan, and follow it. Any changes need to be accounted for.

I'm wondering how he got a loan in the first place.


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Your marriage won't work because you don't take fast moving big city girl with money and stick her on the ranch with country bumpkin. It just doesn't match.

Cut it as fast as you can, get the F out of Dodge, and hope the divorce costs you less money than finishing that house.


----------



## Countrylife (Jul 5, 2014)

Thanks for the responses so far, I already feel I'm getting somewhere with arriving at an answer for myself.

To answer a couple of the questions…we dated for a year.

Stopping the bleeding is my #1 priority--making a budget and sticking to it however, has been met with only vagaries. Big problem.

When finished, house would be worth about 450. But it's on long-held family property and wouldn't be sellable for that reason.

I feel stupider and stupider having put all this in writing now…sheesh what a mess.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

How are you supporting his business if he stopped working to build the house? Is he still using your money as if he was drawing a paycheck? That would be insane thinking but I wouldn't be surprised if he's milking you. 

You made a big mistake, you now realize that, I would cut yourself out of the picture before he bleeds you dry. And don't just walk away broke, if you can prove you invested and supported his business then you have equity, same with the house project. If he has to liquidate everything to pay you off that's his problem, you deserve your share.


----------



## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

That is too bad. I would instantly withdraw all your funds from the joint bank accounts and either put in trust or in your own account. Halt work on the house for now till you've talked to a lawyer or accountant. I'd talk to a lawyer. You should not let him spend another penny of your money until you have had some serious conversations about where this is going. In the best of situations it would be a bad idea for one person in the relationship to entirely fund the building of a new house, (unless you'd been married for years, one person was raising kids while the other worked or something, then it's equitable) 

If he loves you he will understand, and will talk to you about it. If he's in it just to take your money, then you will know because he will only care about that house, and not about your needs. 

I would not create a budget, I would stop all money for now, do not put another penny into this house. Take a break from building. This is your life on the line, your savings. Sit down have a very in depth conversation about this house, your relationship etc. I would suggest you go for couples counselling if you want this to work. 

Have you written an agreement as to how you own the property once it's completed? He is putting hours of labor into the house to build and you are putting funds so have you written out an agreement as to the equity of that? It would have been smart to have a pre-nuptual agreement to protect yourself.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If something is not saleable, it's worth is 0...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

You and your husband have HUGE differences in money and will not agree to a budget. Now you have big problems in sex and you are not sure that he loves you.

Take the loss, get legally back what you can from your cash outlay into the home, and go get your job back.

You are not destitute but will have to lick your wounds for a while.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

*Re: Re: Need an outside perspective on my mistake(?)*



PBear said:


> If something is not saleable, it's worth is 0...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And it looks like she's not even on title on the property that the house is being built on. He could finish the house with her money and kick her out. She's left with nothing and he's left with a newly built house. 

OP you need to see an attorney right now. Are you in a community property state?


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

And please tell me you didn't sign anything relinquishing your interest in the property, like a Quitclaim Deed.


----------



## Countrylife (Jul 5, 2014)

I am in a community property state and no, I didn't sign anything relinquishing my interest. Wow, my eyes are being opened here to even more things I didn't think about...


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So who actually owns the property this house will sit on? And you've spent 100k+ on building a basement?

Being in a community property state isn't going to help when all you have is a hole in the ground and a loan that needs to pay back. I'd advise talking to a lawyer in your area to find out your options before trying to make any decisions. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Countrylife...

You simply MUST contact an attorney in your new state ASAP. You need to be in "recovery mode" right now.

Not a penny more on that blasted "hole in the ground." What you have right now is a basement on HIS land. A very expensive basement.


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Countrylife said:


> When finished, house would be worth about 450. But it's on long-held family property and wouldn't be sellable for that reason.


yeah, have them tell that to a divorce judge! sorry your honor, the house is worth $0 because we just don't feel like selling it because we like this land so much. No.

it can be appraised, and settled for that amount (if it comes to divorce)

but do you really think that was his intention? to defraud you? sounds more like he's just not a smart money guy.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> it can be appraised, and settled for that amount (if it comes to divorce)...


I agree, but nothing from nothing is nothing. Where is he going to come up with the 5-figure sum to pay her back? The loan has been spent, half her money is gone, and all they have to show for it is a basement.

Sounds like he barely makes ends meet with his business and income.

Time to find a good attorney. Maybe new hubs is forced to sell the land to pay her back. If anyone will buy it.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

happy as a clam said:


> I agree, but nothing from nothing is nothing. Where is he going to come up with the 5-figure sum to pay her back? The loan has been spent, half her money is gone, and all they have to show for it is a basement.
> 
> Sounds like he barely makes ends meet with his business and income.
> 
> Time to find a good attorney. Maybe new hubs is forced to sell the land to pay her back. If anyone will buy it.


You're assuming he owns the land himself. She said it was family owned. I'm concerned that means it's been handed down to several members as a group, which is why it would be impossible to resell. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Countrylife, I am going to summarize the good advice you have been given and break it into bite-sized tasks.

1) Go see a banker. Open up a personal account and get all your money out of the joint account and into it. While you are there, discuss the loan your husband SUPPOSEDLY took out to construct his dream home. Any paperwork you can bring regarding the loan will be helpful. You need the banker to explain how the loan works to you, and you need the banker to explain if YOU have any obligations under the terms of the loan.

2) Go see an Accountant. Hire him to audit your and your husband's finances, with the intent of understanding exactly where the money went. This will cost money. It will be money well spent.

3) Go see a lawyer, with all the information you got fro action items 1 and 2. With all that information, a lawyer will be able to explain your legal options, which, by then, will include filing for divorce and a lawsuit to recover stolen money.

4) Go see a Counselor. The end of your first marriage did not leave you prepared for your second one, and you have jeopardized your future. You need some professional help to avoid going from this husband to one just as bad, or worse.

From what you have written, I think you have fallen in love with a man who is scamming you. He has used YOUR money to build HIS dream house, and when you start asking where all the cash went, he is using sex as a weapon, just like Pat Benatar, or whoever she was singing about.

I don't think your new husband has your best interests in mind, or even a future with you in it. He sounds like a really bad person, to take $100k from you, and if you let him, he will take the rest, too.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

*Re: Re: Need an outside perspective on my mistake(?)*



PBear said:


> You're assuming he owns the land himself. She said it was family owned. I'm concerned that means it's been handed down to several members as a group, which is why it would be impossible to resell.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes! It could be in family trust of some sort.


----------

