# Sexless Relationship



## SLM123 (Dec 12, 2017)

Hi, I am hoping someone has been in a similar situation and might have some advice for me ...
I am in a loving relationship of 3.5 years, but the sex stopped when we started living together a year into the relationship.
My partner suffers with anxiety and he thinks that it stems from that. 
I cannot help but take it personally, we had been hoping that things would go back to normal after time but after 2.5 years (we have had sex twice in those 2.5 years) it just seems to be worse than ever.
We hold hands all the time, cuddle and kiss...once the kissing gets more than a snog he pulls away.
He started seeing a therapist but didn’t connect with them and gave up.
He is an alpha male so I understand that it is incredibly difficult for him to talk to anyone about it. 
I am concerned that I will eventually cheat as I still want to have sex and the lack of it is making me miserable.
Any help would be much appreciated!!! X


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

When it affects you and your partner is driving the status quo, you ought to take it personally.

The fact that he gave up on you and sexual relations with you (but didn’t connect with them and gave up) ought to tell you all you need to know.

Through 2½ years your partner has made it clear, he has no desire to fix this. Rather than swallow such dreck, you would do well to believe him.

That being the case instead of compromising your own integrity, you would do well to cut your losses and let him go.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I'm a man and I cannot understand him at all. Physical intimacy with my wife is one of the most important and enjoyable things in my life. This is how men are--how they _should be_. My wife didn't always feel the same way, so I understand your hurt. It makes you feel worthless and unattractive when your partner does not seem to desire you. You should know that this feeling will only get worse over time and ultimately destroy your relationship. The hurt will intensify, turning into resentment and sleepless nights. 

It is best to address it right now before it gets to that point. If he's not even willing to understand or accommodate your needs in this regard, it does not bode well for a long-term relationship. If he cannot even attempt to get the help he needs, it demonstrates a level of selfishness on his part that makes him unsuitable for relationships in general. Does he really not understand that your need is a legitimate one? You might need to ultimately break up with him. There are millions of men who will make you happy. 

Is there something in his past that he hasn't addressed? Sexual abuse, perhaps?


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## SLM123 (Dec 12, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I'm a man and I cannot understand him at all. Physical intimacy with my wife is one of the most important and enjoyable things in my life. This is how men are--how they _should be_. My wife didn't always feel the same way, so I understand your hurt. It makes you feel worthless and unattractive when your partner does not seem to desire you. You should know that this feeling will only get worse over time and ultimately destroy your relationship. The hurt will intensify, turning into resentment and sleepless nights.
> 
> It is best to address it right now before it gets to that point. If he's not even willing to understand or accommodate your needs in this regard, it does not bode well for a long-term relationship. If he cannot even attempt to get the help he needs, it demonstrates a level of selfishness on his part that makes him unsuitable for relationships in general. Does he really not understand that your need is a legitimate one? You might need to ultimately break up with him. There are millions of men who will make you happy.
> 
> Is there something in his past that he hasn't addressed? Sexual abuse, perhaps?


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## SLM123 (Dec 12, 2017)

He had a really terrible childhood and was in care even though his parents (separated) were around. 
I think he is scared of rejection and it’s manifested itself in this way ... although I might be wrong.
If it were any other relationship I had been in previously I would have long gone. 
He says he wants to get back to how we were, but I don’t understand why he just doesn’t try viagra or something? 
I think the root cause is from childhood and it’s going to take therapy to sort it out.
I just don’t know how much longer I should wait and hope it gets better?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

SLM123 said:


> He had a really terrible childhood and was in care even though his parents (separated) were around.
> I think he is scared of rejection and it’s manifested itself in this way ... although I might be wrong.
> If it were any other relationship I had been in previously I would have long gone.
> He says he wants to get back to how we were, but I don’t understand why he just doesn’t try viagra or something?
> ...


Was he sexually abused? That's what this seems to point to.

As for yourself, no I wouldn't wait for it to get better because you've already not been having sex for 2/3 of your relationship. 

And no matter what the root cause is, it's not you and it's not something you can change in him. If tons of therapy helps him, great. But that's still going to be several years out.

Sorry. I'd bail.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Broken people don't make great relationship partners.

What are you willing to pay of your own sanity, self-esteem and integrity to avoid hurting him?

Do you think potentially going down the path of cheating on him is an act of love or is it cowardice on your part?

He doesn't want to try, because he is fine with how it is.

At the end of the day if his actions hurt you significantly, what the hell does it matter as to why he hurts you? Since the hurt will be there regardless of all of the excuses.

If he doesn't want to have sex with you, that's on him. If you don't believe him when he doesn't have sex, that's on you.

He is an adult, so treat him like one.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Does he have a porn/masturbation addiction that is draining him of any desire to have sex with you?


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## SLM123 (Dec 12, 2017)

Steve2.0 said:


> Does he have a porn/masturbation addiction that is draining him of any desire to have sex with you?


I know he does watch porn as I check his internet history, but it’s only a few times a week which I would class as normal?
He has said that his anxiety has caused him to worry about being intimate and it’s just spiralled


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Are you married? If not, in general the dating time is when you get to decide if you are compatible for a long term relationship. This is obviously a big deal to you and your relationship and one that would be a deal breaker for most people.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

SLM123 said:


> I know he does watch porn as I check his internet history, but it’s only a few times a week which I would class as normal?
> He has said that his anxiety has caused him to worry about being intimate and it’s just spiralled


I think its worth investigating more. A 'few times a week' - i will assume is 3-4 times... is 3-4 releases of tension/ejaculate that he should be doing with you. He is releasing stored energy/tension and wont be horny again until he gets the next desire to jerk off.... your not in his sexual world

Masturbation should be a supplement to a healthy sex life... not a distraction. A 'few times a week' is fine if hes already giving you good sex 'a few times a week' (or whatever is *satisfactory *for both of you)

I awoke to my own masturbation/porn problem and self corrected myself... so i don;t have much advice on how to 'shake' someone out of this cycle.

Maybe ask to watch porn with him? Get an idea of what he is watching. Maybe it would turn him on to have you watch him, or have you pleasure him while he watches... 
Maybe ask him the next time he has the urge to watch porn, to come find you... and do something for him?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

He needs to be willing to work on this problem, and even if he is, it could take years... are you willing to wait/put in the time?

Really, he's an adult, and he should have dealt with this problem already, but maybe no one's stuck with him long enough to reveal it as a problem or push him to do something. Regardless, these are all red flags, and I don't think I would stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't seem concerned about 2.5 years of no sex.

I agree with the other posters... I think you should cut your losses and end the relationship.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It may not be his "fault" but if you have a typical level of sexual desire, a long term relationship without sex will leave you frustrated and resentful. 

Some people just have very low natural desire. Could be random. Could be the result of abuse, or a porn habit, or because he is gay. 

In the end the cause really doesn't matter - If he is unable to fix it, you do not want a long term relationship with him. Life is too short to spend it frustrated and unhappy.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

slartibartfast said:


> it really doesn't matter why. He's not providing an essential part of the relationship, and while he is aware it distresses you, he does not seek a resolution.


this ^^^


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Slartibartfast said:


> It really doesn't matter why. He's not providing an essential part of the relationship, and while he is aware it distresses you, he does not seek a resolution. You can't do anything to fix someone else's problem (or even make them accept that it's a problem). Therefore, if you want a sexual relationship you will have to move on to someone who can provide it.


Simple and to the point. 
@SLM123 He's clearly got a sex drive if he's masturbating to porn a few times a week. For whatever reason, he's not interested in sex with you. You can spend years chasing your tail trying to discover and fix his problem, but it won't do you any good. The only person who can fix him is him and he doesn't want to or he'd have done something by now. Believe his actions, not his words.

No marriage, no kids, and no sex? No way in Hell would I stay in a platonic friendship masquerading as an adult romantic relationship.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I think the pornography addiction shows he is capable of sex. His problem is with his interaction with you. To me that shows he really does not love you.

You two can say you love each other all you want, but he goes off and masturbates when he should be having sex with you. He says he loves you, but ignores your needs and fulfills only himself with porn babes.

That is not love.

You want to believe he loves you because it is driven into you that you two are married, therefor you two must love each other. His actions say he does not love you.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I'm in a sexless marriage and my spouse has anxiety. It's frustrating for me because he refuses to work on himself or our marriage. I go back and forth about what I should do-- yes, I take care of myself and the kids are great so I just stay put...

If he is holding your hand and also seeing a therapist, I would consider that great. Maybe it will lead to more. I have read that anxiety can get worse as someone ages but then again it depends on the person.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

And my spouse uses porn.. After we married I noticed it more and more. I was upset but once kids came, I focused on them. He still is into it and I believe it's an addiction.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Slartibartfast said:


> It really doesn't matter why. He's not providing an essential part of the relationship, and while he is aware it distresses you, he does not seek a resolution.


I find this to be the bigger slap in the face about a sexless marriage. It's one thing to not be desirable to your spouse. It's quite another to be not even worth the effort--that your feelings matter that little. This is the part I will never get over in my own situation. Don't let it get this far.


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## SLM123 (Dec 12, 2017)

cc48kel said:


> I'm in a sexless marriage and my spouse has anxiety. It's frustrating for me because he refuses to work on himself or our marriage. I go back and forth about what I should do-- yes, I take care of myself and the kids are great so I just stay put...
> 
> If he is holding your hand and also seeing a therapist, I would consider that great. Maybe it will lead to more. I have read that anxiety can get worse as someone ages but then again it depends on the person.
> 
> ...


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Read through: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com

I read it yesterday and some some interesting things that keep popping up on this forum, and most likely related to your issue:

_An Italian study found that 16% of high school seniors who consumed porn more than once a week experienced abnormally low sexual desire. Compare that to 0% of non-porn users reporting low sexual desire. The take away is that addiction is not required for either significant brain changes or negative effects._

_Over time a porn user’s brain can mistake feelings of anxiety or fear for feelings of sexual arousal. This helps explain why some porn users escalate into ever more shocking or anxiety invoking porn – as they need that extra neurochemical jolt just to become sexually aroused, or to orgasm._

_Specifically, overstimulation has produced plastic changes in your brain, which make you less responsive to pleasure—and yet hyper-responsive to Internet porn. These addiction-related changes are called desensitization and sensitization, respectively. Together, they explain why porn does the job and your hot babe doesn't._

_Glutamate stimulation is why porn can still ring your chimes even when your reward circuitry has stopped responding to dopamine and real partners._


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

cc48kel said:


> And my spouse uses porn.. After we married I noticed it more and more. I was upset but once kids came, I focused on them. He still is into it and I believe it's an addiction.


My post above might give you some insight too ^^^^^


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

SLM123 said:


> The reason why I have stayed (other than love) is that his anxiety is so bad his ruins other aspects of his life too.
> 
> Does your partner say that the anxiety is the whole reason for the no sex?
> 
> Mine says he’s always so worried that he can’t perform that he just can’t initiate it anymore (I don’t initiate due to the rejection now)


So you're staying in a sexless relationship because you partner has anxiety and needs you to take care of him? That sounds an awful lot like Knight in Shining Armor territory. These situations rarely, if ever, work out well for the KISA.

Is this what you want out of life long term? Do you plan on marriage and children? What would that look like with a man who is so anxious he can't have sex and who allows anxiety to ruin other aspects of his life, too?


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

This is a tough one. Have you thought about cheating or seeing someone else for sex since it is obvious you are not getting it at home? That is an awful long time and it looks like he doesn't want to put that much work into it to fix it. If you have been thinking about it already then its only a matter of time.


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## SLM123 (Dec 12, 2017)

Volunteer86 said:


> This is a tough one. Have you thought about cheating or seeing someone else for sex since it is obvious you are not getting it at home? That is an awful long time and it looks like he doesn't want to put that much work into it to fix it. If you have been thinking about it already then its only a matter of time.


To be honest I have had offers from ex boyfriends but not done anything about it, I really don’t want to cheat but like you say it is a long time to go without sex.

He has said he’ll do what it takes to get back on track but I suppose like with anyone suffering with mental health issues the pressure just makes things worse. 

Everything else in the relationship is really good but I don’t want to sacrifice having a sex life long term.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Go have an affair. Maybe once you find out the grass is really greener, you'll take action and divorce this poor excuse of a man. He's probably such a puss, he'll be glad you are having an affair so he doesn't have to stick it in you ever again. You sure he isn't gay?

Anxiety?? Jeesh, give me a break. Does he have man boobs? Does he work out? Is he short? Is he bald? This guy has major issues and isn't doing anything to solve them.

I see no issues with having an affair when needs are not being met and the lacking spouse knows it. They have it coming. The affair will eventually lead to the relationship breaking apart, which sometimes is needed so people aren't in limbo for decades or when their life has already passed them by.


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## SLM123 (Dec 12, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Go have an affair. Maybe once you find out the grass is really greener, you'll take action and divorce this poor excuse of a man. He's probably such a puss, he'll be glad you are having an affair so he doesn't have to stick it in you ever again. You sure he isn't gay?
> 
> Anxiety?? Jeesh, give me a break. Does he have man boobs? Does he work out? Is he short? Is he bald? This guy has major issues and isn't doing anything to solve them.


This actually made me laugh out loud, thanks for lightening the mood ?


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Well you must be good or good looking to have offers for just sex from ex's. I would do some serious thinking I know I wouldn't want to live my life like that. Keep us updated please



SLM123 said:


> To be honest I have had offers from ex boyfriends but not done anything about it, I really don’t want to cheat but like you say it is a long time to go without sex.
> 
> He has said he’ll do what it takes to get back on track but I suppose like with anyone suffering with mental health issues the pressure just makes things worse.
> 
> Everything else in the relationship is really good but I don’t want to sacrifice having a sex life long term.


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## SLM123 (Dec 12, 2017)

Volunteer86 said:


> Well you must be good or good looking to have offers for just sex from ex's. I would do some serious thinking I know I wouldn't want to live my life like that. Keep us updated please
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I will do, thanks for taking the time to respond


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

The guy really needs to seek help and therapy to help him deal with/get over his anxiety.

Porn, for him, can be a sexual escape with no pressure on him to perform for someone else. If he's that nervous about not being able to perform for you, porn is likely his only release.

The problem is that, when you get out of touch, it's almost a self-reinforcing cycle. He needs to be broken of it.

I'm not sure how to wean him back into you, but I would suggest being proactive and setting the stage for intimacy to ease him into reciprocating and eventually getting him back into bed with you.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

This will be the test to see if he's really having anxiety issues with performing. 

Go buy Cialis online for a couple bucks a bill. You can get a Cialis/Viagra test pack for under $50. Show it to him and see what is his reaction is. If he gives you more excuses, then you know he isn't interested in sex with you. I don't have ED but I love taking Cialis occasionally. It makes you very rock hard and lasts a couple days. You can tell there is more blood flowing in there and she can too.

Are you able to see what kind of porn he's watching? May also give some clues. 

Honestly, you need to have a come to Jesus talk. Give him 6 months. If things don't improve, you're going to move out and start dating a man who desires you. Keep it civil and to the point. He needs to know you won't live like this anymore and you will give him a chance to make improvements. Tell him he needs to be on meds and see a therapist. If he doesn't take action, you know your answer.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

SLM123 said:


> I know he does watch porn as I check his internet history, but it’s only a few times a week which I would class as normal?
> He has said that his anxiety has caused him to worry about being intimate and it’s just spiralled


So he has desire for sex, just not sex with you.

Take his message seriously, and leave. You aren't even married to him, and he is acting this way. Give yourself the opportunity to find someone without issues and have a happy life.

He may someday face his issues and be a good candidate for a relationship, but not for many years, and much introspection and honesty with himself and his therapist. If he is in a relationship with someone, they will be hurting while he is figuring it out and not fixed yet.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

GuyInColorado said:


> Give him 6 months.


I was going to say this, but realized she has already given him 2 1/2 years. She is losing 6 months of her life by giving him 6 more months.

OP, he is rejecting YOU. He looks at porn 3 times a week that he could be enjoying you. He prefers fantasy people to you. You won't change him. Only he can change himself, and he doesn't think he has a problem as long as he keeps looking at it.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Yeah, 6 months is an eternity. Why I don't blame her for having sex with someone else. Don't call it an affair. Call it getting your needs met while you look for a new man that is relationship material. If you aren't married, you can't have an affair. I wouldn't even call it cheating, since he isn't sticking it in you.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

GuyInColorado said:


> Yeah, 6 months is an eternity. Why I don't blame her for having sex with someone else. Don't call it an affair. Call it getting your needs met while you look for a new man that is relationship material. If you aren't married, you can't have an affair. I wouldn't even call it cheating, since he isn't sticking it in you.


Not sure if you're trying to be sarcastic or if you are serious.

I disagree that her "getting her needs met" before she officially informs her current boyfriend she is out of the relationship is not cheating.

Break up with the guy, then start dating other people.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

SLM123 said:


> cc48kel said:
> 
> 
> > The reason why I have stayed (other than love) is that his anxiety is so bad his ruins other aspects of his life too.
> ...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Do you (any of you) think that someone can go from no sex in years to a good lover and an active and satisfying Sexlife even with therapy??

I could believe that someone can go from no sex to occasional (as in a number if times a year) of awkward sex- and maybe even occasional mediocre sex.

But do any of you think it can actually go from none to actually "good?"


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

None to good? I am 95% sure it won't. Even the 5% maybe needs lots of very good outside help and not just expensive help.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Do you (any of you) think that someone can go from no sex in years to a good lover and an active and satisfying Sexlife even with therapy??
> 
> I could believe that someone can go from no sex to occasional (as in a number if times a year) of awkward sex- and maybe even occasional mediocre sex.
> 
> But do any of you think it can actually go from none to actually "good?"


 and 

No, I don't think it's possible. BUT again it depends on the person. I have heard that people do change for the better and also make their partner happy.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

This is a big problem since we had the internet. Pornography is really mental adultery. Men are capable of relating sexually to pornography to the exclusion of their wives. It is true that this can move to an addiction which is hard work to cure on a level with alcoholicism. If a man doesn't want to stop then I believe it could be grounds for divorce because of the mental adultery aspect of it. Sometimes the husband will also have sex with his wife but he is bringing with him in his mind all the women he has watched having sex creating a kind of soul tie with them while he is having sex with his wife.


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