# EA with medical twist



## leb (Jan 10, 2013)

Married 17 years. Have 1 13 yo daughter. Wife had massive heart attack on table during birth, 30 minutes to resuscitate. Resulting in brain damage, heart problems, lots of medical issues the past 13 years. Not the woman I married, but sometimes close. Been just plugging through it for 13 years. I feel more her caretaker than her husband the past years as she's gotten worse medically. Living with disabled woman far more challenging than I ever expected. Recently learned she'll never improve, only decline over time.

Had a bad Dr. visit one day with wife before work. I started talking to female coworker over dinner in the office, because she asked what was bothering me. Been talking for a month now. During a weekend release at work, we talked more, she told me about her past divorce, relationships, etc. We hugged. Suddenly realized this is an EA. Oh crap, what have I done. She is so easy to talk and listen to. And she is single and about 10 years older than me. So much more mature than wife, no medical issues, etc. Gah. Due to specialty in field of work, NC will be difficult. Well-connected in field, and will run into OW again and again. 

I don't think wife suspects anything, but I should man up and tell her. Not sure what to do. Already feel the guilt of the EA.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Your wife is sick....you are lonely. It happens. The good news is that you realize your are headed down a bad path. Fall back into the professional position and avoid any conversation that does not have to do with work.

Then get yourself into IC. You need a professional to vent to, not another woman. 

You are an exception to my rule of telling. I would not tell your wife. This is your burden to carry. It is not that heavy of one, but a burden non the less.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Good for you for realizing what was happening. I also am not sure you need to tell your wife, unless you think that will harden your resolve to stay NC.

I certainly do not envy you. What a heartbreaking situation.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

In most cases I would adamantly say "yes tell her!" 

Not in this one. 
"In sickness and in health" my heart goes out to you and your family.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> In most cases I would adamantly say "yes tell her!"
> 
> Not in this one.
> "In sickness and in health" my heart goes out to you and your family.


This.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You commit to a real life and mental diet.
Come up with a plan on how to talk and behave proffesionally, how to tell her NC from now on is she reaches out.
Then the mental diet. You can't avoid unwanted thoughts but you can choose rejecting them. Refuses to indulge in "what ifs", daydream, imagine... Visualize a STOP sign, tell NO outloud, refocus.
Find out a healthy outlet for your anger and frustration. Someone safe to vent. Fill you soul with healthy activities.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

OMG...I hear your vulnerability ringing clearly through. I am so sorry you are going through this. What I am about to say is going to be tough to hear. You and your wife are very, very vulnerable. Her condition is rough to handle. You are such a good man taking care of her for so long. You are a good husband and father. Please dwell on the earlier memories of your wife being that life partner you chose. Make your life with her as funloving and interesting as possible, prep candle lit dinners with her and bring her flowers she can smell, make your home a haven. Continue to nurture your family and feel the rewards it brings. 

Here's the hard thing I am going to say. Why did this co-worker feel so compelled to ask you what's bothering you? She zeroed in on your vulnerability. She has her sights set on you. She knows by now that your wife is even more vulnerable. Her concern is not coincidence, it's more calculated. She is already planting herself in your future banking on the loss of your wife. She is taking advantage of the whole situation. Let me tell you this, if she was a good person, a true friend, she would have established boundaries where no hugging would have ever taken place. The hugging is the beginning of the road to a PA. The touching will go from one level to the next. You will have to establish significant boundaries with her from now on since work contact is inevitable. It is easy to do if you set your mind to it and protect your family. 

Here's a glimpse of who this OW may be:
http://redredapples.wordpress.com/2011/05/01/when-a-woman-is-a-vulture-and-your-man-the-prey/


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## Batty (Dec 20, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> OMG...I hear your vulnerability ringing clearly through. I am so sorry you are going through this. What I am about to say is going to be tough to hear. You and your wife are very, very vulnerable. Her condition is rough to handle. You are such a good man taking care of her for so long. You are a ggod husband and father. Please dwell on the earlier memories of your wife being that life partner you chose. Make your life with her as funloving and interesting as possible, prep candle lit dinners with her and bring her flowers she can smell, make your home a haven. Continue to nurture your family and feel the rewards it brings.
> 
> Here's the hard thing I am going to say. Why did this co-worker feel so compelled to ask you what's bothering you? She zeroed in on your vulnerability. SHe has her sights set on you. She knows by now that your wife is even more vulnerable. Her concern is not coincidence, it's more calculated. She is already planting herself in your future banking on the loss of your wife. She is taking advantage of the whole situation. Let me tell you this, if she was a good person, a true friend, she would have established boundaries where no hugging would have ever taken place. The hugging is the beginning of the road to a PA. The touching will go from one level to the next. You will have to establish significant boundaries with her from now on since work contact is inevitable. It is easy to do if you set your mind to it.
> 
> ...


And maybe she was just trying to be nice. Jesus, can you lighten up?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I can honestly say that if I were your wife... I would want to know. Its never good to rugsweep imo and frankly this would be pretty forgivable imo. That and she can help you cope better if she is aware of your feelings. I know everyone thinks "sparing her feelings" would be best but imo... I would much rather go out knowing my man was honest with me rather then feeling like he needs to lie to spare me heartache. 

Yes I know if you dont tell her she will be blissfully unaware.... But could you actually live with hiding this from her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> Here's the hard thing I am going to say. Why did this co-worker feel so compelled to ask you what's bothering you? She zeroed in on your vulnerability. She has her sights set on you. She knows by now that your wife is even more vulnerable. Her concern is not coincidence, it's more calculated. She is already planting herself in your future banking on the loss of your wife. She is taking advantage of the whole situation. Let me tell you this, if she was a good person, a true friend, she would have established boundaries where no hugging would have ever taken place. The hugging is the beginning of the road to a PA. The touching will go from one level to the next. You will have to establish significant boundaries with her from now on since work contact is inevitable. It is easy to do if you set your mind to it.



Dont think I can agree with this. We dont know the woman. She is 10 years older then him, maybe she is just concerned. I would lend an ear to anyone that I know if I felt they were in a difficult situation. Some people just have alot of compassion for others and genuinely care about people! 

He didnt mention that the hug was anything more then a friendly hug? The point that needs to be addressed is that HE felt uncomfortable about it considering the circumstances and doesnt want to fall into that category.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Dont think I can agree with this. We dont know the woman. She is 10 years older then him, maybe she is just concerned. I would lend an ear to anyone that I know if I felt they were in a difficult situation. Some people just have alot of compassion for others and genuinely care about people!
> 
> He didnt mention that the hug was anything more then a friendly hug? The point that needs to be addressed is that HE felt uncomfortable about it considering the circumstances and doesnt want to fall into that category.


I understand what you are saying, but leb knows in his heart what's already up, that's why he is here seeking help. We can hope for the best but prepare for the worst.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Gaia said:


> I can honestly say that if I were your wife... I would want to know. Its never good to rugsweep imo and frankly this would be pretty forgivable imo. That and she can help you cope better if she is aware of your feelings. I know everyone thinks "sparing her feelings" would be best but imo... I would much rather go out knowing my man was honest with me rather then feeling like he needs to lie to spare me heartache.
> 
> Yes I know if you dont tell her she will be blissfully unaware.... But could you actually live with hiding this from her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


With her medical condition as it is, I cant imagine this making her feel any better about the place that she is in. She probably already feels like a burden. I also say this because when someone who is medically challenged and they lose their will to live, its over. I would hate to think he could tell her this and it would send her further into a downward spiral.


I would think differently if it had gone any further then it has but if OP recognizes that it was going to far and wants to stop it then I dont see what good there is in telling her. He has to get to a place where he can say NO and not allow himself to fall into that situation again.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Everytime you think of how you are more the caretaker instead of husband to your poor wife, think about the possibility that instead of a birth it could have been a car accident and instead of her it could have been you.

Dont tell your wife. You caught it at the right time. She doesnt need the additional tension and stress that will come from exposure.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Cdelta02 said:


> Everytime you think of how you are more the caretaker instead of husband to your poor wife, think about the possibility that instead of a birth it could have been a car accident and instead of her it could have been you.
> 
> Dont tell your wife. You caught it at the right time. She doesnt need the additional tension and stress that will come from exposure.


Or that his wife could have died on the table and his daughter would have never known her mother. Of course she might not have traditional memories of her mother but her mother is there.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Gaia 
The woman is in declining health, likely depressed about that and perhaps feels guilty from time to time about the effects on her husband. 

Would you honesty want to lay this psuedo guilt trip on her too. She's bound to feel, however illogically, some responsibility. 



> I would much rather go out knowing my man was honest with me rather then feeling like he needs to lie to spare me heartache.


 I can understand this sentiment. But I would put as much weight on the likelihood that she thinks something like: "Thanks a lot! as if I didn't have enough trouble already. Now I have to have this on my conscience too." 

It's not worth the gamble.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Stop the behavior. Seek out an IC that can help you and give you a safe place to work out the emotional aspects of what you are experiencing. 

Make it clear to the OW that you are sorry you overstepped appropriate boundaries and then KEEP YOUR DISTANCE!


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I think the wife needs to know, she is an equal partner in sickness and in health...It will help the poster to stay true to his word as well. He just has to invest the energy into brightening up their lives at home and getting a good therapist to vent to as uw2010 suggested or vent to other family and friends of the couple.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

In nearly all my previous posts, I've said "yes! tell the spouse", but your situation isn't so black and white. Your EA while not ideal is to me understandable given the particular facts of your marriage. I don't know if telling your disabled wife about what happened will do any good. In most situations, the spouses can then work together to restore the marriage to the state it should be, but in your situation, your wife is physically and mentally unable to do so. 

I really feel for you. It's a tough situation. I may get flamed for the following (putting on flame retardant suit now), if I became so disabled mentally or physically to the point I couldn't be the wife I once was, I've told my husband that if he had discreet encounters, it would be fine and I wouldn't consider it cheating. There are various conditions I'd put upon it, but in an extreme situation which hopefully never happens, I can see myself allowing that. I'm not saying your wife will or that's what you should do..but I can see that life isn't always black and white.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I like the fact that you've recognized this and have the urge to stop. It shows a strong self of character. Do what is best for your family. I'm not sure what the nature of her condition is but do what's best for her long term well being.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

The situation is delicately volatile enough already. To add another potential trauma is not the solution.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> The situation is delicately volatile enough already. To add another potential trauma is not the solution.


Thats it!! Im going to take a nap! Im either confused or my eyes are deceiving me!:scratchhead:

Didnt you just say to tell her, now you're saying not to tell her? WTH!?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> ...! Im either *confused* or *my eyes are deceiving me*!:scratchhead:..


I can do both! multi-tasker


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Thats it!! Im going to take a nap! Im either confused or my eyes are deceiving me!:scratchhead:
> 
> Didnt you just say to tell her, now you're saying not to tell her? WTH!?


Sorry if I wasn't clear. The potential trauma of an AFFAIR. The other traumas are already existing!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> I can do both! multi-tasker


Thats not a talent, its called getting OLD!! LOL :rofl:


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> Sorry if I wasn't clear. The potential trauma of an AFFAIR. The other traumas are already existing!


Clear as mud now, thanks!


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Whether or not to tell her depends on if you've really crossed any lines. Does the OW know about your feelings? Is there a lot of touching, pats on the back, hugging etc.? My guess is if you feel guilty it's likely you've crossed a line. I've never felt guilty about any of my opposite-sex friendships. 

But if you just have feelings and honestly feel no lines have been crossed, you've done nothing wrong. Feelings are out of our control, but what we do once we recognize them is entirely our choice. It seems like you're making the right choice by acknowledging you're on the brink of making a very bad decision. Spare your wife the pain - but only if you NEVER see the OW again. Don't trust that you'll stay faithful. Quit your job if you must, whatever it takes to save your marriage.

Your wife may be disabled, but there must be some way you can get your emotional needs met by her. I'd also seek a support group for other husbands of disabled women, and find out how they get their emotional needs met. 

Ask yourself this: if there were no other woman, would you divorce your wife? Would you say taking care of a disabled wife is too hard and just leave her? You seem like a good guy, so I'd guess you never had any intentions of divorce. 

Stay faithful, or forever know you're the POS who cheated on your disabled wife. Even if you can justify an affair somehow, that's how you'll forever be known by your family and friends.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

LDNTX: You are very welcome!
Batty: A troll because you disagree with my stance. Well, I will just have to give him an internet hug and tell mine and his spouse about it. Oops! I see you were banned and from your other posts you sounded like an AP. So, good for you!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I understand what your saying walk and let and yes I understand that she may feel differently but my point was... Is he, the OP, going to be able to live without this gnawing at him? Its not just her mental state at risk.. Its his to.

And batty..... Huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## leb (Jan 10, 2013)

underwater2010 said:


> Then get yourself into IC. You need a professional to vent to, not another woman.
> 
> You are an exception to my rule of telling. I would not tell your wife. This is your burden to carry. It is not that heavy of one, but a burden non the less.


I think I realize I should be getting counseling from a counselor and not a coworker. As a behaviorial brain scientist (let's call it), I also realize what I'm feeling is dopamine and endorphin rush, now tied to coworkers face. It's quite the feedback loop I've created over the past month with OW.

I started to talk to the wife last night. She didn't suspect anything, but is now concerned about PA more than EA (at least as far as I can tell). In the past decade, we've had the talks around her guilt about not being an ideal wife, and being a burden, and such.

Wife is a functional adult, so please do not think she is something less. The cognitive and emotional challenges with the brain injury are the largest disability. The physical aspects of reduced heart function are exhaustion, or feeling thereof, all the time. Imagine the side-effects and downstream effects of these two things. However, I think these are excuses in my mind to rationalize an EA.


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## leb (Jan 10, 2013)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> Here's the hard thing I am going to say. Why did this co-worker feel so compelled to ask you what's bothering you? She zeroed in on your vulnerability. She has her sights set on you. She knows by now that your wife is even more vulnerable. Her concern is not coincidence, it's more calculated. She is already planting herself in your future banking on the loss of your wife. She is taking advantage of the whole situation. Let me tell you this, if she was a good person, a true friend, she would have established boundaries where no hugging would have ever taken place. The hugging is the beginning of the road to a PA. The touching will go from one level to the next. You will have to establish significant boundaries with her from now on since work contact is inevitable. It is easy to do if you set your mind to it and protect your family.
> 
> Here's a glimpse of who this OW may be:
> When a Woman is a Vulture and Your Man the Prey « redredapples


I didn't think of this angle, actually. Originally, I saw OW as a friendly co-worker concerned for me. However, with reading your comment, I think her targetted concern and opportunism may warrant some healthy skepticism of purely altruistic behavior. She is in her 50s; hell if you'd know it from looking at her. OW could pass for late 30s any day.

However, as a scientist, I can separate the physical desire from the emotional desire. The physical desire is pretty easily written off as a dopamine response to the OW. I can resist that part.

The emotional desire is far more difficult to separate, because it was one quick hug of "sorry you're going through this, I'm here for you" type of moment. At least, that's how I saw it until I read your comment.


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## leb (Jan 10, 2013)

NotDoneYet said:


> Whether or not to tell her depends on if you've really crossed any lines. Does the OW know about your feelings? Is there a lot of touching, pats on the back, hugging etc.? My guess is if you feel guilty it's likely you've crossed a line. I've never felt guilty about any of my opposite-sex friendships.
> 
> But if you just have feelings and honestly feel no lines have been crossed, you've done nothing wrong. Feelings are out of our control, but what we do once we recognize them is entirely our choice. It seems like you're making the right choice by acknowledging you're on the brink of making a very bad decision. Spare your wife the pain - but only if you NEVER see the OW again. Don't trust that you'll stay faithful. Quit your job if you must, whatever it takes to save your marriage.
> 
> ...


I didn't think about this as an EA until after the hug. I enjoyed the hug. As hugs go, it was a great hug. As a brain scientist (need a better word here that won't de-anonymize myself somewhat), I know how the human brain works. It was the euphoria flood after the hug that caught me by surprise. This is what made me think about EA and what was going on. My own behavior is what drew me here, and I've been reading this forum for a few weeks now. I've learned a lot about what people's advice is, and I worry I'm trying to have my cake with OW and wife. From a cognitive perspective, that has a low probability of success. Biochemistry of the brain sides with PA/EA far more than me being able to keep OW as friend. I have women I consider friends, but OW is evoking different responses than these woman friends.

For added complexity, my family has had dinner with OW twice in the past year. These 2 dinners were simply "rather than eat alone late at night for the 50th time a row, join my family for dinner". At least, that's how I saw them. Wife and OW seemed to get along fine at both dinners.

Thanks for the feedback so far.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Gaia said:


> I understand what your saying walk and let and yes I understand that she may feel differently but my point was... Is he, the OP, going to be able to live without this gnawing at him? Its not just her mental state at risk.. Its his to.


I don't think I could tell under those circumstances. She has a weak heart as it is. Stress from learning of this could very easily make it worse. I, too, am usually one who would advocate "tell your spouse everything!"... but this situation makes me pause.

OP, if the OW starts asking personal questions, stop her in her tracks and tell her that you understand that she may mean well, but the nature of the talks is inappropriate and you will not be engaging in further discussions about the situation. Then, find someone you know and can trust...a relative, perhaps, who you can vent to whenever necessary. You can't keep it all bottled in, but you need to find someone who will not tempt you to cross a line again. Mom? Dad? Sisters? Aunts? Uncles? Cousins? There's gotta be someone you can talk to. Figure that out...but don't confide in the OW any longer.



Gaia said:


> And batty..... Huh?


She was referring to an other poster whose message was removed.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well this thread definately made gate and I have a serious talk. In any case if the OP thinks not telling her is the best course of action the that is what he should do. 



As to the batty thing.... Ah ok lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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