# Hanging by a thread



## Meva123987

Our marriage is hanging by a thread and I need help coping and deciding what to do moving forward. My wife and I have been married for 22 years and for the most part we have had an incredible life together until recently. Back in September I started to notice things were different and she was becoming distant with me and our kids. By the end of December I found over 1,100 text messages to a co-worker whom she says is just a friend and a spiritual advisor. Apparently he was helping her through this tough time (which I knew nothing about) and was "praying" for her. Not sure if that's praying or preying (although I believe the latter). After some due diligence I called her out and now things are just spiraling out of control. She is pulling away from me more and more by the day, has enabled an eating disorder and has openly spoken to me about her depression. We are in counseling but nothing is getting accomplished. There is zero intimacy and absolutely no tolerance for talking about the subject outside of counseling. I do not believe in divorce and I'm trying to do everything I can to make sure that I've covered all of bases for if and when she drops the D word. 
I truly believe that there was no physical affair but there was certainly a healthy and damaging emotional affair. I have moved to forgiveness because it's the only way I can heal with or without her. There is just no getting through...I feel like an emotional punching bag and all things are on her terms. I have stood firm and strong in the eye of storm but I am getting weak. Looking for some advice on how to handle. Maybe I need to realize that life gets hard and I need to toughen up, it's been a very easy ride in marriage up to this point. 

A concerned loving and weakened huband


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Welcome, sorry you had to find your way here. 

You dont believe in divorce? You are going to have a VERY hard time then, because if your wife knows that you are not going anywhere despite how horribly she behaves, there is no motivation for her to change. This works for her as it is. What consequences has there been for her indiscretions? Anything? Does she still see this coworker daily at her job? She still gets to come home to her husband and her normal life. Is she getting treated for her depression? How is it you KNOW that this has not gone physical? Its very easy to do when the affair partner is a coworker. You need to stop bowing to her terms, honestly it sounds like she pulled out all this depression etc as a smokescreen to distract you from her affair, and most likely she will not file for divorce... why should she? She gets to have her cake and eat it too. 

Unless you are willing to lose it, there is little likelihood of you being able to save it. You need to draw clear boundaries with clear consequences, or she is just going to continue to walk all over you.


----------



## StillSearching

A Wayward Wife must be filed on. Period. 
Sorry you find yourself here.


----------



## sokillme

Unfortunately you must accept your wife has already emotionally divorced you. Asking for divorce only bring the truth out of the shadows and into light.


----------



## Woolyjumpers

Sorry that you are going through this, it sounds awful. 

Why do you think the counselling isn't helping? Do you think your wife is as committed to it as you are?

Do you think your wife wants a divorce?


----------



## niceguy47460

You need to just file and get it overwith or you will lose your mind and health . it has gone physical . report him to hr at there work and if he is married let his spouse know too . blow there world up .


----------



## Blondilocks

Take your wife to a real spiritual advisor and let them debunk the garbage she's been fed.


----------



## StillSearching

Meva123987 said:


> Our marriage is hanging by a thread and I need help coping and deciding what to do moving forward. My wife and I have been married for 22 years and for the most part we have had an incredible life together until recently. Back in September I started to notice things were different and she was becoming distant with me and our kids. By the end of December I found over 1,100 text messages to a co-worker whom she says is just a friend and a spiritual advisor. Apparently he was helping her through this tough time (which I knew nothing about) and was "praying" for her. Not sure if that's praying or preying (although I believe the latter). After some due diligence I called her out and now things are just spiraling  out of control. She is pulling away from me more and more by the day, has enabled an eating disorder and has openly spoken to me about her depression. We are in counseling but nothing is getting accomplished. There is zero intimacy and absolutely no tolerance for talking about the subject outside of counseling. I do not believe in divorce and I'm trying to do everything I can to make sure that I've covered all of bases for if and when she drops the D word.
> I truly believe that there was no physical affair but there was certainly a healthy and damaging emotional affair. I have moved to forgiveness because it's the only way I can heal with or without her. There is just no getting through...I feel like an emotional punching bag and all things are on her terms. I have stood firm and strong in the eye of storm but I am getting weak. Looking for some advice on how to handle. Maybe I need to realize that life gets hard and I need to toughen up, it's been a very easy ride in marriage up to this point.
> 
> A concerned loving and weakened huband


Us old timers here have seen this play out a 100 times.
She works with him....
She's had sex with him.
Time to start the investigation. 
I know how this ends....
She has checked out. 
My ex did the same things.
You are going to have to file just to get some truth from her.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

OP,

Sorry you're going through this.

There are multiple signs she's already checked out, over a long period. 

Save your own sanity, put all nice guy actions aside, and tell her she's out on her butt.

So sorry to get that, from info shared.

You can do it. Protect your finances while you still can, and plan a divorce.


----------



## Meva123987

We've only been to a few counseling sessions and more bad than good comes out of it. It is a one sided attack on me. The counselor says this is a common trait in midlife crisis and depression. I've asked her to leave and have talked to a lawyer. She is adamant about not wanting to separate and or divorce but shows no signs of wanting to work on things. One would think that after 8 months you would move the needle off of center to either divorce or reconciliation. She repeats over and over again that she is lost and depressed.


----------



## Deejo

Moving to Coping with Infidelity.

History says you aren't going to much like the advice you get about your circumstances, Meva.

Unfortunately there isn't much to like about any of it.

The only thing I can 100% guarantee you, is that there is an outcome. One where you choose to be proactive and take steps, even uncomfortable steps, or one where you simply react, and hope. Both hurt. Both will help in defining who you are and how you choose to live your life on the other side of this.


----------



## personofinterest

Meva123987 said:


> We've only been to a few counseling sessions and more bad than good comes out of it. It is a one sided attack on me. The counselor says this is a common trait in midlife crisis and depression. I've asked her to leave and have talked to a lawyer. She is adamant about not wanting to separate and or divorce but shows no signs of wanting to work on things. One would think that after 8 months you would move the needle off of center to either divorce or reconciliation. She repeats over and over again that she is lost and depressed.


She is using this mechanism because it works.

If you do not want to share your wife with another man, then you need to make some decisions.

1. Your counselor is terrible. So because cheating is a "common trait of a mid life crisis and depression" (which is BS by the way), you just are supposed to tolerate it? Let me guess - the counselor is a woman. No, cheating is not to be tolerated

2. Tell your wife plainly "I will not share my wife with another man." Be prepared to back it up.

3. How do you back it up? If she postpones and will not go COMPLETE no-contact with her affair partner, then you file for divorce. Adultery IS a valid reason for divorce. If you are not willing to lose her, then you are basically signing up for a cheating wife.

There can be no "negotiation." If she wants to stay married, she cuts off ALL contact with this man. Period.


----------



## Woolyjumpers

From what you describe, it sounds a bit like everything is on her terms at the moment. What about your needs?


----------



## StillSearching

Meva123987 said:


> We've only been to a few counseling sessions and more bad than good comes out of it. It is a one sided attack on me. The counselor says this is a common trait in midlife crisis and depression. I've asked her to leave and have talked to a lawyer. She is adamant about not wanting to separate and or divorce but shows no signs of wanting to work on things. *One would think that after 8 months you would move the needle off of center to either divorce or reconciliation*. She repeats over and over again that she is lost and depressed.


Because she's been bedding this guy for at least 8 months.
Cake eating.
YOU will have to file.
A WW has to be filed on to get results.
How do you know she's not lying through her teeth about absolutely everything?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

Meva123987 said:


> I do not believe in divorce....


And THAT'S what will get you steamrolled, every single time.

There's *no* dignity or honor in allowing yourself to be disrespected, humiliated, denigrated, demoralized, deceived, dismissed, and devalued on a *daily basis*, while you continue to desperately cling to the person abusing you in that way. There's no self respect in that at all.



> I truly believe that there was no physical affair ..


Why would you believe that? Because you *want *so badly to believe it? I think you're in denial, my friend. Unless this guy lives in another country (which he doesn't), then the chances are extremely HIGH that they've had sex. Many times.

Look, your wife is a liar and a cheater. She can use her lame excuse of being 'depressed' all she wants, but it's *not an excuse*. Just about everyone (it seems) is 'depressed' and on some kind of medication but everyone isn't cheating, so stop believing her ridiculous reasons for her **** behavior. So you need to face the fact that you haven't been told the truth. And if she HAS actually told you the whole entire truth, then you'll be famous for being the first betrayed spouse EVER, in the entire universe, who actually got the truth from their cheater. The chances you actually got the truth are just about non-existent, so you need to face that fact. 

The first thing a lying cheater does is save their own ass. That is *JOB #1* for a cheater - damage control. They'll lie through their teeth, they'll swear on their own children's lives, they'll lie, deny, and lie some _more_ in order to cover their hides. That's just a fact. So expect the LIES to continue about it not being a physical affair. But if you're wise, you'll get yourself an STD test because who knows how long she's been physical with this guy and more so, who knows who ELSE her special work 'friend' is screwing around with. Ain't she a peach? She's not only treated you horrifically, but she's *also *carelessly gambled with YOUR sexual health for her own selfish benefit.



> I feel like an emotional punching bag and all things are on her terms. I have stood firm and strong in the eye of storm but I am getting weak. Looking for some advice on how to handle. Maybe I need to realize that life gets hard and I need to toughen up, it's been a very easy ride in marriage up to this point.


Sadly, you say you're being 'strong,' but as long as you're willing to continue clinging to someone who chooses to treat you with this amount of disrespect on a daily basis, you can expect it to continue indefinitely. I'm going to be honest with you. As a woman, I couldn't respect a weak, clinging, needy man who's desperately jumping around like a trained seal trying to get me to love him after I've treated him like something I dragged into the house on the bottom of my shoe. I would see that man as weak, pitiful and pathetic - especially when I realized I could literally treat him as badly as I wanted and he'd STILL cling to me no matter what. That's extremely unattractive, to me at least. And if I'm being honest, I don't think for one second that I'm the only woman who feels that way.

You need to re-think the desperate weak husband stance, OP. That will NEVER, EVER work for you.


----------



## re16

Meva123987 said:


> There is zero intimacy and absolutely no tolerance for talking about the subject outside of counseling.


The reason that there is zero intimacy is that she doesn't want to cheat on her boyfriend.


----------



## StillSearching

re16 said:


> The reason that there is zero intimacy is that she doesn't want to cheat on her boyfriend.


Or like mine told me "I didn't want you to feel that someone else had been there."


----------



## 3Xnocharm

StillSearching said:


> Or like mine told me "I didn't want you to feel that someone else had been there."


Yuck!!


----------



## sa58

Meva123987 said:


> We've only been to a few counseling sessions and more bad than good comes out of it. It is a one sided attack on me. The counselor says this is a common trait in midlife crisis and depression. I've asked her to leave and have talked to a lawyer. She is adamant about not wanting to separate and or divorce but shows no signs of wanting to work on things. One would think that after 8 months you would move the needle off of center to either divorce or reconciliation. She repeats over and over again that she is lost and depressed.


First get rid of your counselor they suck. They should listen to
both sides of the problem. Not help her attack you. Counselor 
needs to go. Traits of a midlife crisis and depression ? More like
cheating and betraying her husband. Why haven't you seen a lawyer ?
She doesn't want to work on things because she has you there and him 
at work. Eight months is way to long for you to have been dealing with 
this. You have tried now go file for divorce. 

She is lost and depressed ? What about you? You have every right to be 
happy in your marriage, your not. Why because of her crap !! She is lost,
time to help her find her way. File for divorce now, and wake her up.

You have given her eight months and been ganged up on at counseling.
You have given enough, had enough yet ? Then file, if not this continues 
and gets worse. She doesn't think you will do anything, is she right or 
wrong? Your choice? 

Depression is she taking meds? No just messing around 
with some other guy? Who sounds like a nut job to me!!


Take charge of your life let her deal with hers., and 
what ever that guy considers himself.

If my wife did this I would have been gone already.


----------



## dreamer2017

My friend,

It is my opinion, your wife is in a physical affair, and that is why she is no-longer is intimate with you. You are willing to forgive and move on, but she isn’t. You are setting there and watching the affair happen in real time without any actions. You must decide if you want to fight for your marriage or let this spiritual advisor have his way with your wife.

You must stand up and defend your family!!!!! Report the affair to the HR department and show them all the correspondences as proof. If the AP is a member of a church, report him to the church leadership. Also, expose the affair to everyone. If you want your marriage to survive, you must show some strength and defend your future with your wife or chose the last option which is to divorce. 

Dreamer,


----------



## Marc878

Meva123987 said:


> Our marriage is hanging by a thread and I need help coping and deciding what to do moving forward. My wife and I have been married for 22 years and for the most part we have had an incredible life together until recently. Back in September I started to notice things were different and she was becoming distant with me and our kids. By the end of December I found over 1,100 text messages to a co-worker whom she says is just a friend and a spiritual advisor.
> 
> Your typical workplace affair that's probably a sexual affair. Happens all the time
> 
> Apparently he was helping her through this tough time (which I knew nothing about) and was "praying" for her. Not sure if that's praying or preying (although I believe the latter). After some due diligence I called her out and now things are just spiraling out of control. She is pulling away from me more and more by the day, has enabled an eating disorder and has openly spoken to me about her depression. We are in counseling but nothing is getting accomplished. There is zero intimacy and absolutely no tolerance for talking about the subject outside of counseling. I do not believe in divorce and I'm trying to do everything I can to make sure that I've covered all of bases for if and when she drops the D word.
> I truly believe that there was no physical affair but there was certainly a healthy and damaging emotional affair. I have moved to forgiveness because it's the only way I can heal with or without her.
> 
> Typical weak and passive betrayed spouse living in denial. You are getting walked on and played because you allow it.
> 
> There is just no getting through...I feel like an emotional punching bag and all things are on her terms. I have stood firm and strong in the eye of storm but I am getting weak. Looking for some advice on how to handle. Maybe I need to realize that life gets hard and I need to toughen up, it's been a very easy ride in marriage up to this point.
> 
> A concerned loving and weakened huband


You are neither firm or strong. She put you where you are and you are keeping yourself there.

No one can help you because you can't even help yourself. 

Until that changes you'll stay where you are. 

Maybe you should wake up but I think from what you've posted you'll continue to wallow in this more.

You're cut off from intimacy because your wife doesn't want to cheat on her new boyfriend. Again pretty typical but you're in denial so ........


----------



## Marc878

Meva123987 said:


> We've only been to a few counseling sessions and more bad than good comes out of it. It is a one sided attack on me. The counselor says this is a common trait in midlife crisis and depression. I've asked her to leave and have talked to a lawyer. She is adamant about not wanting to separate and or divorce but shows no signs of wanting to work on things. One would think that after 8 months you would move the needle off of center to either divorce or reconciliation. She repeats over and over again that she is lost and depressed.


It's totally up to you. Not her. But your weak passivity needs her permission.

MC in an active affair is a waste of time and money but you'll put up with it because you don't have the guts to deal with it yourself.

She put you where you are but you're the one keeping yourself their.

Until that changes you'll get more of the same. Just like a broken record.


----------



## bandit.45

The only way it is going to become real for your WW is when she has that divorce petition served to her at work. Then it gets real. You ain't seen nothing yet.


----------



## just got it 55

bandit.45 said:


> The only way it is going to become real for your WW is when she has that divorce petition served to her at work. Then it gets real. You ain't seen nothing yet.


OP It's the only thing that will get her attention
And.....The only thing she will understand.

180 Clear and present detachment.

Ghost her and go No Contact

Seperate your finances

Meet with the 3 best Lawyers in your area.

Get serious now brother.

55


----------



## OutofRetirement

Meva123987 said:


> married for 22 years ... incredible life together ... September she was distant ... our kids ... end of December over 1,100 text messages ... co-worker ... just a friend ... eating disorder ... depression ... zero intimacy ... no tolerance for talking outside of counseling ... if and when she drops the D word ... *truly believe* no physical affair ... emotional affair ... forgiveness ... *emotional punching bag* ... *all on her terms*.


A lot of vagueness here. No "friends," even less than one-tenth of one-percent of spouses, texts 1100 messages in 4 months.

Have you seen the messages? If so, what was the worst of it? "I love you"? "I want to have sex with you"? "You are hot"? "I like your eyes"? What are we dealing with here? That is, is it sexual? Romantic? "Emotional" is a bit vague.

How old are your kids? Is your wife involved with them? What do your kids say?

Is the coworker married or committed?

Why do you "truly believe" she hasn't had sex yet? Also, what is the difference between believing and truly believing?

Going forward, stick with the facts and back up your opinions. You'll get better advice. Cheating is a very predictable human behavior. So is being betrayed. Right down to the words being used. Right down to

Let's say your leg hurts. You have no idea what it is or how it happened. You go to the doctor, you give the specifics, where it is, what it feels like, etc., and usually the doctor will be able to diagnose it. Because the doctor has seen it a hundred times before, and you've never seen it until it happened to you. Same thing here with cheating.

She is not giving this guy up because it makes her feel good. She probably liked the attention initially and then got feelings for him. Then she got confused because she's not the cheater type, she's the spiritual ethical type. This confuses her. Conclusion: It must be you, because she is not a cheater, you must have made her do it through not showing her enough love.

Depression comes from you finding out, her now being stuck with the story of "he's just a friend," and he is not willing to leave his wife for your wife, and even if he would, then she'd be labeled as a cheater. As far as him not being able to go "full time" with her, given her confusion, depression, eating disorder, i.e., all her "baggage," including you and the kids - would you want to go full-time open with that, or just keep banging her and keeping it a secret?

Eating disorder is relatively unique. I don't quite understand what you're meaning is with that, is she faking it, or it is true but she's milking it for all it's worth? Or something different?

All conjuncture, but that's a story I've read or heard at least a thousand times. All you have to do is read the older threads here, the ones where the drama has been resolved.

It is a learning process. Has she told you she "loves you but is not 'in love' with you" yet?


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Brother you are in denial. It went physical. I am usually pro reconciliation but your wife has checked out. File and file quickly. This is no way for you to live. Get out of infidelity. Now!


----------



## Yeswecan

Meva123987 said:


> We've only been to a few counseling sessions and more bad than good comes out of it. It is a one sided attack on me. The counselor says this is a common trait in midlife crisis and depression. I've asked her to leave and have talked to a lawyer. She is adamant about not wanting to separate and or divorce but shows no signs of wanting to work on things. One would think that after 8 months you would move the needle off of center to either divorce or reconciliation. She repeats over and over again that she is lost and depressed.


Your WW lostness and depression is something you can not fix. I understand for better, worse, sickness and health but the EA(more than likely a PA) is enough "spiritually and biblically" to file D. 

File for D. You can always stop the proceedings later.


----------



## Yeswecan

Meva123987 said:


> A concerned loving and weakened huband


No no no. Confidence will win every time. Take control. Do not be the doormat and plan B. Expose the entire affair to all.


----------



## Affaircare

@Meva123987, 

I am a former WW, and I worked hard to earn my "former." I also deeply believe in the commitment of marriage and honoring vows. So I'm talking to you from the point of view of someone who was in your wife's shoes and is pro-marriage--okay? I had a miscarriage, we found out Dear Hubby was sterile and could have no more children, and he withdrew from me. I collapsed and in that state of mind began an EA online through a game I was playing. Someone noticed I was a good player, complimented me, liked me...and I fell for it hook, line and sinker. 

When my Dear Hubby found out, he was like you: he believed in marriage, and in us, but he did not sit back and let me continue in my affair. From this point forward let's call what your wife is doing by it's true name: it is adultery. And yes, even emotional affairs are unfaithfulness, so don't use softer sounding euphemisms--call it what it is. Okay? I know you have tried counseling and told her to leave and given her 8 months to make up her mind, but that doesn't work, because what that says is "I will allow you to continue your adultery, and while you continue, I will let you treat me poorly and break our vows because I don't have the courage to be a strong, decisive leader in our household." 

What my Dear Hubby did snapped my head around and woke me up to what I was doing. He did two things: 1) He contacted the OM directly (via email) and he said, "She is MY wife. If you think for one second that I am going to allow you to break up my family without a fight, you have another thing coming. I am not asking you...I am TELLING you to never contact her again or I will use every legal remedy at my disposal."  This snapped my head around because up to that point, I had thought he had withdrawn to the point that he didn't care about me and didn't even notice anythng about me. By doing this one act, I was surprised to discover that he DID care and would act! 2) He packed my luggage, drove me to the bus station and said, "Okay, go ahead and go. I won't fight you. You choose for yourself and your own life, but know this: if you do choose to leave now, you will NOT be coming back. This will be it--we will be done and you will no longer be welcome in our marital home. If you choose to leave, we will NOT be friends--I will close the door to you and never open it again. But if choose to stay, I am willing and able to work together with you to save our family and our marriage. I do love you and I do wish you'd choose to stay, but I won't be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. So make up your mind right now. " This snapped my head around because up to that point, I had been in the affair fog of thinking I could get with the OM and it would be a fairytale and Dear Hubby would "be nice" and the kids would be happy I found someone to love me...you know, rainbows and unicorns! That's all :bsflag: 
@Meva123987, I'm sure that everyone's advice here has sounded like/seemed like we are all advocating that you divorce. Actually that's not true entirely. What we are advocating is that you speak to your wife first and tell her that TODAY she gets to choose to end all contact with the OM or close the door on you and her family forever...there is no more waiting. She is committing adultery, and she chooses today to continue committing adultery or stop. If she chooses to continue, you will pack her bags and she will be out of the house. She can't stay in the marital house and commit adultery--you will no longer tolerate that. BUT if she does choose to stop, there has to be 100% no contact with the OM. She'll have to quit her job, block him on email and all social media, and actually work WITH YOU to save the marriage and family. That just can not be done as long as the OM is in the picture in any way. 

She will likely be mad...but a marriage can survive anger, and it can NOT survive ongoing adultery. Let her be mad...it's okay. For eight months she has had the benefits of a lifelong, committed marriage partner, and a short-term, disloyal, unfaithful affair partner. She is depressed and has an eating disorder because she's trying to keep both. YOUR JOB now, as leader of your family (as a unit), is to stand strong FOR YOUR FAMILY. You need to do what is best for your family, and that is to take a firm stance that adultery will not be tolerated. Either she honors her vows now, today, or she moves out because she is committing adultery (not because you are a meanie or because you are controlling or because you are unjustly kicking her out). When she tries to blame you, just let her know that she is absolutely free and able to use the marital benefits, the marital home and hearth, the marital finances and bed IN HER MARRIAGE but she can not use all those things to grow her affair. If she wants all the marital benefits, she has a moral and legal responsibility to honor her promises to you (she has no such obligation to the other man). 

Okay? Time for you to be David to her Goliath. Time for you to be brave and stand up for your family. It may feel scary and like you might lose everything, and honestly you might, but that would not be by your choice to be strong and of a good courage. STAND...and do it today.


----------



## turnera

Meva123987 said:


> We've only been to a few counseling sessions and more bad than good comes out of it. It is a one sided attack on me. The counselor says this is a common trait in midlife crisis and depression. I've asked her to leave and have talked to a lawyer. She is adamant about not wanting to separate and or divorce but shows no signs of wanting to work on things. One would think that after 8 months you would move the needle off of center to either divorce or reconciliation. She repeats over and over again that she is lost and depressed.


You have the power here, ok? If she says she doesn't want to separate, your next response is then "Fine, then hand over your phone. You are going to text your affair partner that you can never contact him again. We are going to block your affair partner's number, and you are going to find another job. Don't want to do that? Then I'm filing for divorce. I don't share my wife with another man. I'll get you the papers to sign tomorrow."

If you want to save your marriage, you have to take this step. Trust us, we've seen it all before and you cannot nice a cheating woman home.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I'm afraid he isnt coming back...


----------



## jsmart

It's time for a new counselor. No counselor should allow the sessions to be about ripping the spouse for petty stuff while she's using some supposed depression as an excuse to further bond with co-worker turned boyfriend.

Actually at this point, MC is a waste. What she needs is individual counseling to help her find out why she thinks it's ok to have a boyfriend. 

As for her relationship not being sexual, you're will be about the 1000ths BH who claims that. I've lost count of the number of BHs who come here for help with what they think is an EA to only find out it's a full sexual PA. We had one a few months back where the BH found, after our advice to DNA his kid, that his 2 year twins were not his. Talk about rude awakening.

You need to read @Affaircare 's post about what it took for her to wake up several times. 

We TAMers have read so many threads, so we can see right through all the fog the betrayed spouses are under. Yes, that's right. The betrayed are also under a fog like state. They're so full of hopium that they don't want to see the obvious. "No not my wife, she's Christian, low sexual energy, or fill in the blank." We heard it all. 

Personally I would just have her served at work after exposing her to her family and close friends but you appear to want to fight for her. In that case, you better go to her job and shut this fuc... down. Report them to HR, tell her parents and family as well. When you expose to her family, make sure you don't say "she's a who.." Tell them in a help me fight for the family.

You need to prepare yourself mentally for the fact that it's very likely a sexual affair. When a woman is even pulling away from her own kids, you know she's getting some.


----------



## just got it 55

turnera said:


> You have the power here, ok? If she says she doesn't want to separate, your next response is then "Fine, then hand over your phone. You are going to text your affair partner that you can never contact him again. We are going to block your affair partner's number, and you are going to find another job. Don't want to do that? Then I'm filing for divorce. I don't share my wife with another man. I'll get you the papers to sign tomorrow."
> 
> If you want to save your marriage, you have to take this step. Trust us, we've seen it all before and you cannot nice a cheating woman home.


39,029 Posts and none truer than this one

55


----------



## MattMatt

Woolyjumpers said:


> From what you describe, it sounds a bit like everything is on her terms at the moment. What about your needs?


And the needs of the children whi she is also pulling away from?

@Meva123987, your wife might, actually, be depressed. If so and it means she is ignoring both spouse and children, then she needs to be quickly seen by medically qualified experts in depression. I'm afraid that a relationship counsellor doesn't cut the mustard in that respect, it's way beyond their pay grade.


----------



## TRy

Meva123987 said:


> I do not believe in divorce


Letting your cheating wife know that you "do not believe in divorce" is like telling a bully that is picking on you that you "do not want to fight". It guarantees that they will lose all respect for you, and that they will treat you accordingly. Mutual respect is the cornerstone of a marriage. She cannot be in love with someone that she does not respect.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Meva123987 said:


> We've only been to a few counseling sessions and more bad than good comes out of it. It is a one sided attack on me. The counselor says this is a common trait in midlife crisis and depression. I've asked her to leave and have talked to a lawyer. She is adamant about not wanting to separate and or divorce but shows no signs of wanting to work on things. One would think that after 8 months you would move the needle off of center to either divorce or reconciliation. * She repeats over and over again that she is lost and depressed*.


Allow me to translate this for you. - "I am having an affair and I have not the courage to admit it to you, I don't know what to do that will not make me look like a liar and a cheater." 

Sorry you are here.


----------



## the guy

I hope he comes back.
The best way too save his marriage is to....JUST LET HER GO!


----------



## Sports Fan

Meva123987 said:


> We've only been to a few counseling sessions and more bad than good comes out of it. It is a one sided attack on me. The counselor says this is a common trait in midlife crisis and depression. I've asked her to leave and have talked to a lawyer. She is adamant about not wanting to separate and or divorce but shows no signs of wanting to work on things. One would think that after 8 months you would move the needle off of center to either divorce or reconciliation. She repeats over and over again that she is lost and depressed.


Of course your wife does not want a Divorce. At the moment she most likely has an ATM, cook, cleaner, and a beautiful little world where she doesn't even have to sleep with you.

I'm truly sorry you are here and experiencing this hell hole of emotions however your wife has no reason to want to divorce you. Impending poverty of Divorce is not in her best interest.

If your wife wont change you might need to grab the bull buy the horns and initiate Divorce yourself.


----------



## MattMatt

Unless she is severely depressed and might be in need of hospitalisation?


----------



## Meva123987

I am growing stronger by the day. I really appreciate Affaircare's POV and the response to Tough Love. I have been hardening over this time period but I know I need to become more. I blocked the coworkers number on the account back in December.

I am smart enough to understand everyone's POV but something just doesn't add up. She is adamant about the coworker being a spiritual advisor and she swears that was the extent. She breaks down and says she doesn't want to separate and doesn't want a divorce. She openly says that her heart is full of darkness and she is sick and depressed. That she see's no future (and not just without me). She has gone through a major transformation in both emotional state and physical state in 8 months that it is almost jawdropping. The loss of 25lbs alone is scary. Considering she only weighed 135 to start with. I can tell there is a struggle in her. In the last 4-5 weeks she has been more "connected" to me and the family than disconnected. But she is nowhere near where she was before. I believe the ED has also caused major emotional challenges. She is much nicer and connected when she is nourished. Problem is she is not putting on weight. 

I do honestly think the coworker was breaking her down almost to the point of no return and it has had a lasting effect on her. He was close but I think she fought it off and is now living with the guilt that it almost happened and the guilt that she was so weak at the time. Of course when there is no communication between us my mind begins to fill in the blanks. And with the evidence I have it becomes painfully negative. I am becoming the David to her Goliath, I have made peace with myself that I'm a victim no longer, and most importantly my kids are with me in the fight to save our family. I can't quit on her if she is truly sick. Which I do believe.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Meva significant weight loss could be be attributed to medical issues as well....when was the last time she had a complete physical?.....perhaps you need to have a come to jesus of your own with the coworker.


----------



## jsmart

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Allow me to translate this for you. - "*I am having an affair and I have not the courage to admit it to you, I don't know what to do that will not make me look like a liar and a cheater.*"
> 
> Sorry you are here.


I think @Broken_in_Brooklyn has correctly deciphered your wife's lost and depressed issue. Her slowly warming up to you and the kids, means the affair is probably winding down but she's afraid to admit what she's done and feels that she won't be forgiven by you and the kids. Kind of "how am I going to fix this?"

Since you seem to want to salvage this, you have to blow it up at work. Report them to HR. Also let her family and any close friends of the marriage know. Not to embarrass her but for them to intervene. Also let POS spouse know too. It should all been done on the same day in a Shock and Awe campaign.


----------



## StillSearching

Swish!


----------



## Chaparral

What does she say her spiritual adviser is telling her? Why isn’t she in individual counseling? Did her downhill slide begin with her coworkers counseling? Quite frankly I would be at her workplace today.


----------



## jsmart

Meva123987 said:


> *I do honestly think the coworker was breaking her down almost to the point of no return and it has had a lasting effect on her. He was close but I think she fought it off and is now living with the guilt that it almost happened and the guilt that she was so weak at the time.* Of course when there is no communication between us my mind begins to fill in the blanks. And with the evidence I have it becomes painfully negative. I am becoming the David to her Goliath, I have made peace with myself that I'm a victim no longer, and most importantly my kids are with me in the fight to save our family. I can't quit on her if she is truly sick. Which I do believe.


Brother, I say this as gently as possible. The chances of this not having gone sexual is tiny. You need to prepare yourself for the strong possibility that she's been having sex with this POS for the past few months. I know the thought of it must kill you inside but if you only knew how many BHs we have coming here who swore that they thought they were dealing with an EA to find out later that indeed was a sexual affair. 

That doesn't mean you're not able to R, it just you want to know what you're dealing with and forgiving.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

StillSearching said:


> Swish!


I have to be honest and say I agree with StillSearching 100%. Sadly, the OP is rug-sweeping and painting his wife as a victim and the 'spiritual healer' (that she claims she *never* had sex with) as the evil predator who is to blame for this whole entire mess. 

You're rug-sweeping, Meva. This will come back to severely bite you in the ass. *Stop self deluding* - you're doing yourself NO favors!


----------



## StillSearching

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I have to be honest and say I agree with StillSearching 100%. Sadly, the OP is rug-sweeping and painting his wife as a victim and the 'spiritual healer' (that she claims she *never* had sex with) as the evil predator who is to blame for this whole entire mess.
> 
> *You're rug-sweeping, Meva*. This will come back to severely bite you in the ass.


I've done it so many times over the last 25 years I can just smell it now.
You're not alone Meva.
Man I feel for you.....


----------



## alte Dame

I think you should take a step back and try to view this more objectively.

The chances are real that she had a physical affair. They are real that they are still in touch. These two things could easily account for her disintegration.

That being said, I suggest you take control no matter what her hidden reality:

Write down a schedule of what you will do and what you expect from her in order to get out of this limbo. For example, 'I will file in two months if you do not seek proper help, which includes complete 'no contact' with the OM and the initiation of effective individual counseling for yourself. You must prove to me that you are doing these things for me to decide not to take divorce action.'

Just an example. Put together a contract that she must agree to if she doesn't want separation or divorce.

She brought this creep into your marriage. He messed with her head and now you are dealing with the result. You need to take real steps to move the ball forward and protect yourself.


----------



## TRy

Meva123987 said:


> She is adamant about the coworker being a spiritual advisor





Meva123987 said:


> Of course when there is no communication between us my mind begins to fill in the blanks.


 Based on what you have said, she is at the very least in an emotional affair (EA) with the other man (OM). While not communicating with you, she shares her most private thoughts with the other man to such an extent that she openly refers to him as her "spiritual advisor". The OM is not a priest, rabbi, or other such religious leader, he is just her coworker, and yet he has got her to shut you down both physically and mentally, such that he is on the inside with your wife, and you are on the outside. You cannot nice your way out of this. Time is not on your side. The longer this continues, the weaker your connection to your wife gets, and the stronger the connection that your wife has with the OM gets. Eventually, when given the choice between you or the OM, she will be the one seeking the divorce. You must be really willing to end your marriage, to have a chance to save your marriage. Play your hand now, and hope that it is not already too late.


----------



## StillSearching

The funny thing is as BS we don't know how to stop it or get off sometimes.
But it always finds us.


----------



## jsmart

Chaparral said:


> What does she say her spiritual adviser is telling her? Why isn’t she in individual counseling? Did her downhill slide begin with her coworkers counseling? *Quite frankly I would be at her workplace today*.



Chap, I'm with you. He has allowed this to fester for months. I would be at her job TODAY. Report this to the HR, threatening that they're allowing an unhealthy relationship in their work place. Getting them fired would be a great waker upper. 

Your family is hanging by a thread but yet you haven't confronted her "advisor" in all of these months? Your kids have to be wondering why you're not taking action. Your kids are not going to confront this guy. It's on you, as the leader of your house.

She wasn't going through no depression. That was just a cover for the emotion distance she was feeling when she became attached to her boyfriend, oops I meant advisor. Like so many other WWs, she now feels that she can't come back from what she's done. She believes that you won't forgive her for betraying you. She's afraid of the judgement from the kids, family, and friends when this comes out. That is why she's depressed now.


----------



## Woolyjumpers

Meva123987 said:


> I am growing stronger by the day. I really appreciate Affaircare's POV and the response to Tough Love. I have been hardening over this time period but I know I need to become more. I blocked the coworkers number on the account back in December.
> 
> I am smart enough to understand everyone's POV but something just doesn't add up. She is adamant about the coworker being a spiritual advisor and she swears that was the extent. She breaks down and says she doesn't want to separate and doesn't want a divorce. She openly says that her heart is full of darkness and she is sick and depressed. That she see's no future (and not just without me). She has gone through a major transformation in both emotional state and physical state in 8 months that it is almost jawdropping. The loss of 25lbs alone is scary. Considering she only weighed 135 to start with. I can tell there is a struggle in her. In the last 4-5 weeks she has been more "connected" to me and the family than disconnected. But she is nowhere near where she was before. I believe the ED has also caused major emotional challenges. She is much nicer and connected when she is nourished. Problem is she is not putting on weight.
> 
> I do honestly think the coworker was breaking her down almost to the point of no return and it has had a lasting effect on her. He was close but I think she fought it off and is now living with the guilt that it almost happened and the guilt that she was so weak at the time. Of course when there is no communication between us my mind begins to fill in the blanks. And with the evidence I have it becomes painfully negative. I am becoming the David to her Goliath, I have made peace with myself that I'm a victim no longer, and most importantly my kids are with me in the fight to save our family. I can't quit on her if she is truly sick. Which I do believe.


Hi Meva,

I'm sorry that this has happened. 

Is she an unhealthily low weight at the moment? If so, perhaps she needs to be hospitalised for treatment - particularly if she isn't putting on weight. You used the phrase Eating Disorder to describe her condition - that suggests to me that she's suffered from that in the past. That means you need to take that very seriously. 

I think it's important to get significant and intensive mental health treatment for your wife right now, especially as she has hinted at suicidal thoughts. Individual treatment, not marriage counselling. 

I share the concerns of others who suggest that the marriage counsellor you currently have is not effective. I'm very concerned that this person appears, by your own account of what happened, to have written off your wife's behaviour as a mid life crisis, when in fact it appears to be a much more serious problem and possibly an eating disorder relapse with suicidal thoughts - which can be fatal if not treated. 

I think that has to happen first before you can decide where you go in terms of your marriage and staying together or choosing divorce. 

I feel that once you've got your wife into some sort of serious treatment programme - then you can begin to decide what the future of your marriage is. 

No one here can know what the truth is and what really happened. I do however believe that neither of you will be able to move forward until your wife acknowledges how deeply you've been hurt and admits the full truth of what happened between her and this man. He may be a highly manipulative person who has been able to convince her that he is a 'spiritual adviser' but unless he is a priest or formally qualified in some other way, that just isn't true. Even if he took advantage of her she won't be able to move forward until she admits that to herself and you. 

Make sure you find someone, a therapist of some sort, that you can talk to who will be supportive of you. You are currently propping up your whole family and your children's welfare single handed. You need someone to be in your corner. 

Ultimately, if your wife won't seek treatment that's going to really hurt your children. I think if she refuses to engage with the treatment process then you need to put their needs first.


----------



## VermiciousKnid

Meva123987 said:


> She is adamant about the coworker being a spiritual advisor and she swears that was the extent.


Horse****. Guilt over cheating on you (full on physical affair) is eating her alive. She's not being honest with anyone. You, her therapist, or probably even herself.

She's torturing herself on purpose as self-prescribed penance for what she's done but you have to make sure she understands that won't work. She'll just continue to spiral into darkness and self-destruction. The ONLY way for her to come out of this is to confess. Lay her soul bare to you and herself and tell you what she's done. You have to show her that it's safe enough to confess or she never will and this will continue. Some just can't do it. They'd rather divorce than admit what they've done. Those people never find happiness though.


----------



## Chaparral

Something I forgot to add. If she so much as mentions self harm/suicide, immediately call 911 and let the proper folks examine her. Quit batting this stuff down the road. Eating disorder, suicidal tendencies, improper workplace activities, disregarding home responsibilities and no individual counseling? Ridiculous!


----------



## TRy

Meva123987 said:


> I am growing stronger by the day.


Even if you are growing "stronger by the day", do not wait to take decisive action because the chance of saving your marriage long term is growing weaker by the day.


----------



## Adelais

Just so you know how affairs happen "by accident" sometimes, I'll tell you my story. 

My husband was living away from home for almost a year, living in his car to save $ to send home to the family. We were not poor, by any means, yet he felt the need to do this. Living in his car was his choice, not mine and he thought it was for honorable reasons but because he had to hide it from everyone he knew (co-workers, boss, people at church) for fear of judgement or reprimand (from bosses) it ate away at his self esteem. Being away from home tore him down too, as well as the arguing we would do when he was home, due to stress on both our sides. The fact that he was doing very well at his job, which gave him tremendous self esteem, didn't counteract the factt that he was lonely and his absense was causing negative reprocussions on our family and marriage which added to his own frustration and disappointment.

In the town which he lived, a friend's wife approached him in the church kitchen and burst into tears, telling him she was a terrible wife. He was uncomfortable, but didn't leave until she told him her story. Two days later, she approached him again, after a late night Bible study, and they talked outside in the dark for an hour. She complimented him, she was a lot younger than he was and was relatively attractive, and that was when he was "hooked" he said. He mentally jumped off our family's ship and began swimming to hers. He shared his marital problems with her, and later that night she called him to "give him some advice that can help his marriage." That conversation was not about bettering his marriage, but more complaining by both of them.

They phoned each other at night, after her children were in bed, (her husband had moved out) and by the end of the week, they were planning their wedding!

She hinted about giving him oral sex, but he, being the good Christian, wanted to wait for marriage. He was definitlely in self denial about the fact that he was in an active emotional affair, even if it wasn't physical. He was planning to destroy his wife and children's lives, but he thought he was OK in God's eyes because he wasn't being physical with the OW.

The affair ended just as quickly as it started when he was immediately confronted by the very person he confided in about the affair, and he realized what he was doing was not "a match made by God" but was adultery. Even though he decided to end it immediately, and did end it, it took a while for his heart to follow, and he said he had withdrawal memories and slight depression for a couple of months. He later learned that he was not her first affair, nor was he her last. (She was his first and only affair during 19 years of marriage at the time.)

Telling a person of the opposite sex your problems is a recipe for disaster, unless that person is a bonafide counselor. Even then it can spell disaster, as some counselors have affairs with their clients. Our policy now is for neither of us to tell people of the opposite sex our problems, or have private counseling sessions with a counselor of the opposite sex.

No matter how you wife's relationship started, it moved to an affair, whether emotional or physical. 8 months is a long time to get attached to someone. It will take longer than that for her to become unattached even if she wants to.

Your wife's weight loss may have started because of her preoccupation with her affair partner, causing her to forget about food and run on adrenalyn. My husband lost noticible weight during his 2 week affair. By his phone records, I can also see that he went without sleep many nights because they were on the phone. He has told me that he didn't feel hungry or tired, and he liked his body getting leaner. He also worked out more. He said it was like he was on a drug that kept him going.

Your wife's post affair weight loss may be because of depression about the affair ending.

She hasn't been honest with you. She developed feelings for this "spiritual counselor" and she is lying to you.

There is a good book by Shirley Glass, called Not Just Friends. You need to read it and then have your wife read it. You can get it for cheap on Amazon. Another good book is called "After the Affair." I don't remember the author.

For you to heal, you will need 100% transparency from your wife, and it will take a long time for you to trust her, and even then, you will probably never trust her 100% again.

Your marriage can improve and even be better than it was before (minus the % of trust) if she works on her side of the road that led her to be open to an affair.

Her decision to have an affair is not your fault at all. No matter how bad the marriage was, unless she is mentally ill and not in control of her choices. Her choice to cheat is on her. Not everyone cheats. Even people in pretty bad marriages choose to not cheat. For example, did you cheat during the bad times?


----------



## jsmart

Araucaria said:


> No matter how you wife's relationship started, it moved to an affair, whether emotional or physical. *8 months is a long time to get attached to someone. It will take longer than that for her to become unattached even if she wants to.*
> 
> Your wife's weight loss may have started because of her preoccupation with her affair partner, causing her to forget about food and run on adrenalyn. My husband lost noticible weight during his 2 week affair. By his phone records, I can also see that he went without sleep many nights because they were on the phone. He has told me that he didn't feel hungry or tired, and he liked his body getting leaner. He also worked out more. He said it was like he was on a drug that kept him going.
> 
> *Your wife's post affair weight loss may be because of depression about the affair ending.*
> 
> *She hasn't been honest with you. She developed feelings for this "spiritual counselor" and she is lying to you*.
> 
> There is a good book by Shirley Glass, called Not Just Friends. You need to read it and then have your wife read it. You can get it for cheap on Amazon. Another good book is called "After the Affair." I don't remember the author.
> 
> For you to heal, you will need 100% transparency from your wife, and it will take a long time for you to trust her, and even then, you will probably never trust her 100% again.
> 
> Your marriage can improve and even be better than it was before (minus the % of trust) if she works on her side of the road that led her to be open to an affair.
> 
> *Her decision to have an affair is not your fault at all*. No matter how bad the marriage was, unless she is mentally ill and not in control of her choices. *Her choice to cheat is on her. Not everyone cheats. Even people in pretty bad marriages choose to not cheat. For example, did you cheat during the bad times*?


Excellent post @Araucaria.

I personally believe the "depression" is due to guilt of having betrayed her family and thinking that it can't be salvaged but I agree that there's a strong possibility that she's just heart broken over not being able to be with this POS. Or possibly a combination of despair for what she's done to her family and heart break over POS.

I've read countless threads from WW on LS, where they describe how much they pine for their MM. These woman are emotionally absent from even her own kids. It's sad to read these woman have multiple page threads talking about their MM with nary a mention of their BH or kids.


----------



## bandit.45

No woman can give herself emotionally to two men. She has to cut one of them out... usually the husband.


----------



## oldshirt

I wonder how "lost and depressed" she was when she was with the OM???


----------



## scaredlion

In my estimate your wife's "spiritual healer" has the same charisma as a cult leader, along with his charismatic title of "spiritual healer". Weak and vulnerable people can easily be sucked in by their line of bull****. Look at all the young and old people pulled into a cult atmosphere everyday. Once sucked in they can even be talked into killing themselves. Over 900 people drank the kool aid for Jim Jones. Before I laid all the blame on the wife I would be checking out the "spiritual healer". My radar goes up when I hear things like spiritual leader or spiritual healer or the father leader. And yes, many of these so called spiritual healers/leaders have a sexual aspect to their healing. I don't know if your wife had sex with him or not. If I were you I would be very interested in knowing how many other women he is spiritual healer too. I wish you well.


----------



## [email protected]

Meva, there are a lot of marriage counselors who have an agenda or are running an MC racket while getting some fair sized $$. I think you got one of those. A lot of us do not believe in divorce, but there it is anyway. If you are Christian, you must know that there are several theological justifications for divorce. Do the 180 and fire the counselor!


----------



## turnera

Meva123987 said:


> I am growing stronger by the day. I really appreciate Affaircare's POV and the response to Tough Love. I have been hardening over this time period but I know I need to become more. I blocked the coworkers number on the account back in December.
> 
> I am smart enough to understand everyone's POV but something just doesn't add up. She is adamant about the coworker being a spiritual advisor and she swears that was the extent. She breaks down and says she doesn't want to separate and doesn't want a divorce. She openly says that her heart is full of darkness and she is sick and depressed. That she see's no future (and not just without me). She has gone through a major transformation in both emotional state and physical state in 8 months that it is almost jawdropping. The loss of 25lbs alone is scary. Considering she only weighed 135 to start with. I can tell there is a struggle in her. In the last 4-5 weeks she has been more "connected" to me and the family than disconnected. But she is nowhere near where she was before. I believe the ED has also caused major emotional challenges. She is much nicer and connected when she is nourished. Problem is she is not putting on weight.
> 
> I do honestly think the coworker was breaking her down almost to the point of no return and it has had a lasting effect on her. He was close but I think she fought it off and is now living with the guilt that it almost happened and the guilt that she was so weak at the time. Of course when there is no communication between us my mind begins to fill in the blanks. And with the evidence I have it becomes painfully negative. I am becoming the David to her Goliath, I have made peace with myself that I'm a victim no longer, and most importantly my kids are with me in the fight to save our family. I can't quit on her if she is truly sick. Which I do believe.


You talk as though she's no longer seeing the coworker. Did I miss something? What's the status?


----------



## faithfulman

@Meva123987 - I think you are giving your wife and her boyfriend way too much credit with this "Spiritual Advisor" bull****.

That's just some nonsense she cooked up to get you to accept her inappropriate relationship. She doesn't believe it. He doesn't believe it.

She just likes to spill her guts to him, he will nod his head and give her platitudes and tell her how right she is, how unfair everone is to her etc.

All in the service of getting his **** up in her.

You really need to get your head on straight. The only reason you are being treated like this is because you let her do it.

The only reason this is still going on - at least brazenly in your face - is because you are allowing it.

Time to man up and put your foot down.

By the way, lots of cheating wives lose weight because they want to be nice and slim for sex with their new boyfriends.

Don't believe anything she says. If she tells you it is raining, go outside and verify it for yourself.

Seriously.

***

Oh yeah. And do not go to even one more session with that marriage counselor.

Do your reading on this forum and see how to handle this situation. Detach, set boundaries that you will not allow to be crossed, call her a liar when she is lying, and destroy this inappropriate relation with exposure.

You be in charge. Do not "ask" her for anything.

Do that and watch how you feel better (not good necessarily) immediately. And watch how she changes.


----------



## oldshirt

faithfulman said:


> @Meva123987 - I think you are giving your wife and her boyfriend way too much credit with this "Spiritual Advisor" bull****.
> 
> That's just some nonsense she cooked up to get you to accept her inappropriate relationship. She doesn't believe it. He doesn't believe it.
> 
> She just likes to spill her guts to him, he will nod his head and give her platitudes and tell her how right she is, how unfair everone is to her etc.
> 
> All in the service of getting his **** up in her.
> 
> You really need to get your head on straight. The only reason you are being treated like this is because you let her do it.
> 
> The only reason this is still going on - at least brazenly in your face - is because you are allowing it.
> 
> Time to man up and put your foot down.
> 
> By the way, lots of cheating wives lose weight because they want to be nice and slim for sex with their new boyfriends.
> 
> Don't believe anything she says. If she tells you it is raining, go outside and verify it for yourself.
> 
> Seriously.
> 
> ***
> 
> Oh yeah. And do not go to even one more session with that marriage counselor.
> 
> Do your reading on this forum and see how to handle this situation. Detach, set boundaries that you will not allow to be crossed, call her a liar when she is lying, and destroy this inappropriate relation with exposure.
> 
> You be in charge. Do not "ask" her for anything.
> 
> Do that and watch how you feel better (not good necessarily) immediately. And watch how she changes.


This ^^^^^^

They are simply throwing you a bone now and then to shut you up and make you behave so they can carry on with their fun. 

It's all BS and crap. 

You're being chumped and played a fool. 

'spiritual advisor' - hah! Please. That is the best she can come up with?? She may be saying "Oh God, oh God!" For sure, but I don't think she needs any advice or spiritual guidence to do it. I'm sure she's reaching the promised land just fine. 

Quit being a schmuck.


----------



## Robert22205

I had to deal with the same situation except he actually held the title of: deacon in our church.
He was also a COW.

As gently as possible I need to tell you that everything you post is like a replay of my life (word for word). We convince ourself that our wife and/or marriage is different or that this can't be happening. 

For example you posted: She is adamant about the coworker being a spiritual advisor and she swears that was the extent. She breaks down and says she doesn't want to separate and doesn't want a divorce. She openly says that her heart is full of darkness and she is sick and depressed. That she see's no future (and not just without me). She has gone through a major transformation in both emotional state and physical state in 8 months that it is almost jawdropping. The loss of 25lbs alone is scary. 

If he's married, expose him to his wife.
Report him to HR.
Expose to all her and your family.

You need the facts and truth in order to process her relationship with the OM (before you can R or D). Request a timeline subject to a polygraph test.
Consider initiating the paperwork for a divorce and inform her that her actions (not words) may change your mind.


----------



## Meva123987

Update, I found the coworkers home address in outer home. It was named as one of her friends but I know better because I’ve been doing my due diligence with the affair. Of course she denied that she even had the address. After confronting her on the issue she said I was crazy and there was no way it was his address. Well, I proved her wrong. This week was to be our 22nd wedding anniversary. She has moved out leaving our family devastated. Last night I spent the first night alone with just my girls. I cannot believe the level of lying and covering up. Why wouldn’t you just come clean and say I don’t love you anymore. Monday I am seeing a lawyer. I was praying for a better ending. Need to be strong for my kids. I knew all along my gut was right


----------



## Meva123987

The address changes everything. To me it’s no longer an “emotional” bond. It’s an invitation into another mans house, his arms, his bed. Never would have seen this coming


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Meva123987 said:


> Update, I found the coworkers home address in outer home. It was named as one of her friends but I know better because I’ve been doing my due diligence with the affair. Of course she denied that she even had the address. After confronting her on the issue she said I was crazy and there was no way it was his address. Well, I proved her wrong. This week was to be our 22nd wedding anniversary. She has moved out leaving our family devastated. Last night I spent the first night alone with just my girls. I cannot believe the level of lying and covering up. Why wouldn’t you just come clean and say I don’t love you anymore. Monday I am seeing a lawyer. I was praying for a better ending. Need to be strong for my kids. I knew all along my gut was right


See a lawyer and start the divorce process. 

Have her served. Notify all family and friends you are dissolving the marriage as your soon to be ex wife's spiritual crisis was simply infidelity and how to hide it from you. Include the partners name in the announcement as she she will soon be bringing him around to everyone you know and will claim it all started 'after'. 

Control the process, control the narrative. Do not delay or you will surely suffer more than you already have to. 

Sorry you are here.


----------



## Sparta

Well there’s only one thing left to do divorce have her served at work make sure you file the divorce Due to her infidelity. And then have her served at her work. Never have any contact with her whatsoever if she wants to talk about the kids tell her to go to lawyers. She tries contacting you ignore her.


----------



## TDSC60

Meva123987 said:


> Update, I found the coworkers home address in outer home. It was named as one of her friends but I know better because I’ve been doing my due diligence with the affair. Of course she denied that she even had the address. After confronting her on the issue she said I was crazy and there was no way it was his address. Well, I proved her wrong. This week was to be our 22nd wedding anniversary. She has moved out leaving our family devastated. Last night I spent the first night alone with just my girls. I cannot believe the level of lying and covering up. Why wouldn’t you just come clean and say I don’t love you anymore. Monday I am seeing a lawyer. I was praying for a better ending. Need to be strong for my kids. I knew all along my gut was right


Sorry man, but it is better that you know the truth rather be tormented by her lies and deception like you have for the past several months.


----------



## OutofRetirement

She couldn't remember his address without storing it?


----------



## OutofRetirement

Besides you and coworker, does she have close friends and family? What does her family think about it? How close are you to her side of the family? How close is she to yours?


----------



## Lostinthought61

where is she staying?


----------



## Marc878

Meva123987 said:


> The address changes everything. To me it’s no longer an “emotional” bond. It’s an invitation into another mans house, his arms, his bed. Never would have seen this coming


It's been a sexual affair all along. You have just been living in denial and hopium.

You'd be smart to get strong and stay there. If nit you'll wallow in this longer than you need to.

Her words are meaningless and she's shown you everything you need to know. Ignoring it any longer will judt makevthus worse.

Dont lie to your kids. Tell them the truth in a sanitized way. Keeping them in the dark will only increase their anxiety


----------



## skerzoid

1. *The divorce filing is something that needs to be done.* It can be called off at anytime. Having her served at work can be a shock factor.

2. *STD testing should be done.*

3. *Do the 180 technique. * Here is a link: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forum...-davis-s-divorce-busting-180-degree-list.html

4. *Her leaving can be used against her in child custody negotiations.*

5. *Separate financials as soon as possible.*

6. *Expose to friends & family.* Is he married? Expose to his SO also. *Do not tell her you are doing this.*

7. *She has to believe that you're willing to lose her.* If you show weakness, she will think you are weak. Do not beg, weep, call, ask her to come home. That is called the pick me dance. *It never works.*

8. *Strength, courage, and strong decisive action are the only way to go.*


----------



## Meva123987

I’m positive she is telling the family nothing about the affair. We have been a close knitted family on both sides for 22 years. She left us last night on our 22 wedding anniversary. She is staying at her parents. I am meeting with lawyer on Monday. Hard to process this all.


----------



## jlg07

Meva, then YOU need to tell her family about this. SHE will try to re-write your marital history that you are controlling, abusive, etc. to all. Get in front of this and let them know. Do NOT expect her parents to take your side though, but at least you should get the facts to them.


----------



## Kamstel

I’m so very sorry. I know the pain that you
Are going through.

It is great that you are seeing lawyer tomorrow. Don’t let her know you are.

Tell both sides of the family about her affair. Don’t let her re-write history and make you out to be an uncaring abusive husband!


As said in The Godfather, it is time to go to the mattresses!!!!

Stay strong! You have already made the most difficult decision there is. Now follow through with it!!


----------



## TDSC60

Meva123987 said:


> I’m positive she is telling the family nothing about the affair. We have been a close knitted family on both sides for 22 years. She left us last night on our 22 wedding anniversary. She is staying at her parents. I am meeting with lawyer on Monday. Hard to process this all.


She ran rather than admit to what she has done. That shows that she would rather desert her family than give up her OM. The affair never stopped. Blocking OM in December did not mean much at all. The work together. They were able to make plans everyday face to face an you never knew.

Do not hid what she has done to anyone.

Is the coworker married? If he is, contact his wife and expose to her. She deserves the truth.

I would make sure her parents know also. And tell your parents and siblings if you have any. You will need their support to help you and your kids survive her deserting the family.

Your marriage is dead. Killed by your wife bringing another man into it. Your next few months will be a roller coaster of emotions. But you will come out in the end a stronger man with your self respect intact.


----------



## TDSC60

If you have not done so already. Open a bank account in your name only. Have your paycheck sent there. Also move 50% of any money in joint accounts into the new one. Do it as soon as you can. I know of a man with two small kids whose wife cleared out their bank account the day she left for her lover. Leaving him struggling for the next 3 months just to feed his kids and keep a roof over their head.

Please don't say your wife would never do that. He did not think his would, but she did.


----------



## VermiciousKnid

Meva123987 said:


> I’m positive she is telling the family nothing about the affair.


Some advice coming from many years' experience as a divorce attorney. Get the real story out there now or she'll paint the picture she wants to paint. You may think that's not important but I can assure you it is. Don't tell the story in a vindictive way. Do it in an informative way. There are many templates online for exposing an affair.


----------



## CDR No Longer Lost

Expose the A to every party, Sir. Her family, any/all mutual friends, the HR Dept at her employer. I haven't read the entire thread as of yet but if her AP is married, inform his wife with no warning to your cheating wife. And file for divorce without delay.


----------



## TDSC60

What did the lawyer have to say?

Have you talked to her parents yet?


----------



## Meva123987

The OM is divorced. Come to find out he has a track record. Apparently he has destroyed many a marriage. I’m conflicted with the lawyer. He is telling me not to file. To let her file due to Alamony laws. Right now I am so confused. I have a meeting with another lawyer tomorrow morning. I’m just lost and confused... trying to be strong for my 2 girls.


----------



## jsmart

We told you she was having an affair but you said no way. She told you she cut contact with POS and we said no it's just not on the phone they me at work. You ignored warning and said you were feeling better about how she was acting. Please listen to us this time.

Expose her to her family. Exposed them to HR. Have her served at work.
Do all of these things immediately. You can stop it later but you must go shock and awe now. 

As for alimony. You will have to pay it regardless. Filing for divorce, is like a street fight, the one that strikes 1st has an advantage.


----------



## TDSC60

Meva123987 said:


> The OM is divorced. Come to find out he has a track record. Apparently he has destroyed many a marriage. I’m conflicted with the lawyer. He is telling me not to file. To let her file due to Alamony laws. Right now I am so confused. I have a meeting with another lawyer tomorrow morning. I’m just lost and confused... trying to be strong for my 2 girls.


Yeah, the kids should be your main focus. Part of protecting your girls means you have to secure half of any bank accounts you share with your wife. You don't have to file to do that. Protect your assets.

If divorce is your choice, then don't expose at work. If she looses her job that will not be good for you.

Alimony laws change from State to State so checking with multiple attorneys is the right move.

Has she, or her relatives, attempted any contact since she left?


----------



## Meva123987

She has texted me a few times trying to work out a deal with the kids in the interim. No contact by other family members on her side. From what the kids tell me they are as confused as everyone else. I’m sure they don’t know the entire story.


----------



## Yeswecan

Meva123987 said:


> She has texted me a few times trying to work out a deal with the kids in the interim. No contact by other family members on her side. From what the kids tell me they are as confused as everyone else. I’m sure they don’t know the entire story.


You may want to get the story straight with the family before revisionist history as described by you WW is spoken first.


----------



## TDSC60

Meva123987 said:


> She has texted me a few times trying to work out a deal with the kids in the interim. No contact by other family members on her side. From what the kids tell me they are as confused as everyone else. I’m sure they don’t know the entire story.


Rule #1 for the kids: NO CONTACT WITH HER BOYFRIEND. Until the divorce is final.

Tell her parents that.

Has she admitted the affair or is she still denying it?


----------



## TAMAT

Meva,

You wrote, By the end of December I found over 1,100 text messages to a co-worker whom she says is just a friend and a spiritual advisor. Apparently he was helping her through this tough time (which I knew nothing about) and was "praying" for her.

I've found that every church I've gone to has some guy/guys hanging around exploiting the vulnerability of women who go for relief from the world, tranquility and meaning in their lives.


----------



## jsmart

Meva123987 said:


> She has texted me a few times trying to work out a deal with the kids in the interim. No contact by other family members on her side. From what the kids tell me they are as confused as everyone else. I’m sure they don’t know the entire story.


Meva, you have been so passive through this whole ordeal. You must act. Expose her to her family. If your kids are teens, then give them PG version of the facts. Don't cover for her out of fear that you will provoke her. She's already gone. 

You must reveal to her family 1st before she lies about you being controlling and being jealous about a guy who's only just a "friend." You need her family to apply pressure to wake her up. Call the TONIGHT. If they're nearby, go over there in person to lay everything out.

You should also expose them at work. Go to HR in person. You need to start getting mad. This F'er is stealing your wife and mother of your daughters and you're dawdling. If she gets fired, GOOD. that will not hurt you in the divorce hearing because the judge is going to expect her to get a similar paying job. 

Also get your finances secured. Cut her off of any credit card before she runs up huge debt getting an apartment and furniture. Take out half of the money in your bank account. As much as possible, move money around. You need to secure your shi..

PS: get a lawyer who's going to fight for you not scare you from taking action.


----------



## Meva123987

She goes silent or says it none of my business. New thing is I’m a free women. I will expose.


----------



## Marc878

All at once to everyone without warning.

All you get from helping hide an affair is enabling it.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

marc878 said:


> *all at once to everyone without warning.*
> 
> all you get from helping hide an affair is enabling it.


* This ^^^ *


----------



## jsmart

Meva123987 said:


> She goes silent or says it* none of my business*. New thing is* I’m a free women. I will expose*.


It is your business as her husband. She is NOT a free woman. She is your wife. After 22 years of marriage and raising 2 girls together, you don't just become a free woman overnight because you unilaterally announce it. Stand up for yourself and your daughters.

It sounds like you have teen daughters. Tell them the PG version of what their mother is doing. You need all the support you can get. 

Did you speak to her family last night? Also any family friends? Across the board exposure.

BTW: You must file for D. Get a ninja divorce attorney, who will fight for your rights. 

PS: Have her served at work. It is so effective. I've seen in real life 2 different WW in 2 different jobs who were all so bad ass on kicking their BH to the curb. When they served in the office, they broke down and become inconsolable. Both times they were sent home, with the whole office abuzz of what went down and everyone now knowing about their affair.

PPS: Expose them to HR too. If she gets fired, the courts will expect her to get a similar paying job, it won't effect alimony or child support.


----------



## Yeswecan

Meva123987 said:


> She goes silent or says it none of my business. New thing is I’m a free women. I will expose.


Not how it works. It is your business. It is your daughters business. Time for a new thing, it is called filing for D. Expose far and wide. If you don't you are only helping your W hide what she has done.


----------



## TDSC60

As long as she is tied to you in anyway; kids, finances, house, Wills, and other investments including retirement accounts - she is not a free woman.

I would tell her when she makes that statement "Your not a free woman yet, but you will be soon."

You really need to expose to her parents and set them straight that she walked out on you and the girls because she would not give up her boyfriend.


----------



## alte Dame

She left you in the house with the children. This is the act of a woman in meltdown, in my opinion. She has been enthralled by the POSOM and doesn't know if she's coming or going.

You are holding all the cards here. I know it's horrendously sad for you and your girls, but at least you are home holding down the fort for the kids. If something like this had to happen, you at least have the upper hand going forward.

I agree with the others here that you should press forward with a divorce action. She is flailing and panicked. My own take is that her depression and crisis has been precipitated by the affair and the fact that she never went NC with the OM. She will deeply regret this. When that happens it will likely be too late because you will have lost so much respect for her.


----------



## jsmart

alte Dame said:


> She left you in the house with the children. *This is the act of a woman in meltdown*, in my opinion. She has been enthralled by the POSOM and doesn't know if she's coming or going.
> 
> You are holding all the cards here. I know it's horrendously sad for you and your girls, but at least you are home holding down the fort for the kids. If something like this had to happen, you at least have the upper hand going forward.
> 
> I agree with the others here that *you should press forward with a divorce action. She is flailing and panicked. My own take is that her depression and crisis has been precipitated by the affair and the fact that she never went NC with the OM.* She will deeply regret this. When that happens it will likely be too late because you will have lost so much respect for her.


I agree that if there's any depression, it was brought on by guilt for her betrayal. She didn't just abandon her husband of 22 years, she ran out on their daughters. What kind of woman does that? 

That's why imperative that @Meva123987 act NOW. He doesn't have the luxury to do the usual weak indecisive BH behavior we see way too often. 

We all know how addictive the dopamine hits that a wayward gets from sneaking around having sex with their new soul mate. Right now this woman is like a crack addict. All that matters is the next hit. She will abandon her own daughters and we all know perform any sex act to keep the dopamine flowing.

Meva, you have to act in an explosive way to jolt your WW by using a full on shock and awe campaign that hits on multiple levels. 
1. Having her served with D papers at work.
2. Exposing both of them to HR. Hopefully getting them both fired
3. Full exposure to everyone of importance to her, including your teen daughters,family friends, and of course her family.
4. Cut her off financially as best you can. All credit cards in your name, remove have the money of any joint account, and get her off your 401k accounts and insurance as well.


----------



## TDSC60

jsmart said:


> I agree that if there's any depression, it was brought on by guilt for her betrayal. She didn't just abandon her husband of 22 years, she ran out on their daughters. What kind of woman does that?
> 
> That's why imperative that @Meva123987 act NOW. He doesn't have the luxury to do the usual weak indecisive BH behavior we see way too often.
> 
> We all know how addictive the dopamine hits that a wayward gets from sneaking around having sex with their new soul mate. Right now this woman is like a crack addict. All that matters is the next hit. She will abandon her own daughters and we all know perform any sex act to keep the dopamine flowing.
> 
> Meva, you have to act in an explosive way to jolt your WW by using a full on shock and awe campaign that hits on multiple levels.
> 1. Having her served with D papers at work.
> *2. Exposing both of them to HR. Hopefully getting them both fired*
> 3. Full exposure to everyone of importance to her, including your teen daughters,family friends, and of course her family.
> 4. Cut her off financially as best you can. All credit cards in your name, remove have the money of any joint account, and get her off your 401k accounts and insurance as well.


Exposure at work is a tactic to breakup an affair where the intention is to attempt R. I think his wife is so wrapped up in her own little world at the moment that she does not want R "she is a free woman".

Loosing her job will have detrimental effects during a divorce.

What State are you in? I've never heard of any where that who files first has an outcome on alimony.

Do the kids know why she left?


----------



## Chaparral

TDSC60 said:


> Exposure at work is a tactic to breakup an affair where the intention is to attempt R. I think his wife is so wrapped up in her own little world at the moment that she does not want R "she is a free woman".
> 
> Loosing her job will have detrimental effects during a divorce.
> 
> What State are you in? I've never heard of any where that who files first has an outcome on alimony.
> 
> Do the kids know why she left?


How is her losing her job detrimental to the divorce. What we see here is that a judge isn’t kind to one who loses a job for an affair. Money wise the judge simply assume you had better find another one will equal or better pay.


----------



## jsmart

TDSC60 said:


> *Exposure at work is a tactic to breakup an affair where the intention is to attempt R. I think his wife is so wrapped up in her own little world at the moment that she does not want R "she is a free woman".
> 
> Loosing her job will have detrimental effects during a divorce.
> *
> What State are you in? I've never heard of any where that who files first has an outcome on alimony.
> 
> Do the kids know why she left?


Exposure will help the BH whether they D or R. No BH wants to leave a 22 year marriage without leaving a permanent impact. How many BHs have we had that meekly left arrogant WW? These BHs have a hard time with moving on and sometimes suffer years of regret for their weak response to such disrespect and the sense of being robbed of justice. 

The person who files first has at least an emotional advantage. As for fear of her being unemployed causing higher alimony, the court is going to expect that she get a similar job. Temporary unemployment is not going to be used as her real income in evaulating alimony.

He should tell his teen daughters. Shielding the teens from the reason for their mothers abandonment will cause them more confusion.


----------



## jsmart

Meva, I advise you to start taking care of your health. I'm sure you've probably lost a lot of weight on the heart break diet. That can do a number on your ability
to function. I suggest drinking Ensures. They're loaded with calories and protein.

Also try to get some physical activity to calm the mind. Even just a short jog at the local park can help clear your head for at least a short time.

We're here for you when you need it. On TAM you have YEARS of collective wisdom at your fingertips. Don't squander this resource out of embarrassment to bare yourself. MANY on
this board have been in your shoes.


----------



## bandit.45

Don't expose at work. If she loses that job you pay her more alimony.


----------



## Meva123987

Thanks jsmart. I have lost over 50lbs through this ordeal. It has just wrecked my life. My focus now is on my girls and my health. I need to be strong for them, they deserve it. I am pressing forward with the Divorce papers. It pains me that it has come to this but I know it was not my fault. She has become a different person than the women I met and fell in love with 22 years ago. It's a shame that a sickness has destroyed something so wonderful. But there is nothing that I can do about it. I am meeting with a group of people starting next week whom are or were in the same position as me. I feel it will help having others that have walked this path lead me in the right direction and give me strength to be a better person than I was before. 

Last night was an awakening as my daughters comforted me and said, "Dad, we got this, we know it's not your fault" What more could a man and father need? I love those girls!!


----------



## jsmart

Meva, I'm glad to hear your daughters have your back. Teens can see injustice and smell any BS your wife tries to push. It will make a big difference to have their moral support. 

Reach out to your WW's family and any influential friends of the family. They need to know the complete truth. Not to embarrass her but to wake her up. Even if she doesn't wake up, you don't want her to lie and say he's controlling and jealous of a friend. It's very common for a WW to re-write the marital history to make you the bad guy. Don't be surprised for her to say she never loved you or that she hasn't loved you in years.

It's good that you're moving on D. Even if you R later, it's good to D this now permanently tainted marriage. 

Expose both of them at work too. The alimony you may be assessed is not going to be higher if she is temporarily unemployed. The courts look at her salary history. They will expect that she will get a similar paying job.

May God give you strength and wisdom to get through this. We at TAM are here 24/7 . If you need advise, want a bounce an idea on the group, or just need to vent. There's someone here that will reply or give an ear.


----------



## TDSC60

While I would cheer if the karma bus ran over both his STBXW and her affair partner by getting them both canned, I have seen too many case where a judge or just the laws of a State more or less rewarded a cheating spouse financially.

If he is in a no-fault State, the alimony or spousal support is determined by such things as the length of the marriage and difference in salaries. If she does get fired, they should take into account her ability to get a similar job. But that is not always the case. A judge may see exposure at work as a vindictive move on his part.

Why take the chance? 

Also, depending on what the work relationship is, the work place may not even care. Barring a supervisor/subordinate relationship which is most likely against the rules. Odds are that they will go unpunished unless there is some rule about fraternization with fellow employees.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Meva, has she acknowledged that she is in an affair and that it is physical ?

Also do you know if she is still "seeing" him ?


----------



## Meva123987

She will admit nothing. I have all kinds of proof. Holes in the story, lie after lie, found his address under someone else's name. It goes on and on. She is still seeing him at work, she told me so. It is to the point that our oldest daughter said to me on Monday "Dad, Mom is going back to work today, that means she is going to see him there". Again, the finding of the address hidden under someone elses name changes everything. The straw that broke the camels back for me was when I questioned her about the address and she said I have no idea what you are talking about. Then 2 days later she tells me another blatant lie about why she had the address to begin with. She is in a shame spiral. I need to stay strong as hard as it is. I spent the night alone last night as she had the girls. When all you have is your mind and the memories and walls start talking it gets hard to stay strong. I pray everyday I get a bit better and stronger. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.


----------



## turnera

Exercise, eat well, start a hobby, and volunteer somewhere (to help you with perspective).


----------



## Marc878

A strict limited contact policy and time will get you where you need to be.


----------



## Edmund

Meva123987 said:


> Thanks jsmart. I have lost over 50lbs through this ordeal. It has just wrecked my life. My focus now is on my girls and my health. I need to be strong for them, they deserve it. I am pressing forward with the Divorce papers. It pains me that it has come to this but I know it was not my fault. She has become a different person than the women I met and fell in love with 22 years ago. It's a shame that a sickness has destroyed something so wonderful. But there is nothing that I can do about it. I am meeting with a group of people starting next week whom are or were in the same position as me. I feel it will help having others that have walked this path lead me in the right direction and give me strength to be a better person than I was before.
> 
> Last night was an awakening as my daughters comforted me and said, "Dad, we got this, we know it's not your fault" What more could a man and father need? I love those girls!!


50 (fifty) pounds!!! Really? Is this a typo?


----------



## Meva123987

Not a typo. I am eating, but everything I eat is in and out due to stress and nerves. I have actually been in a better place the past 2 days mentally but still can't hold onto food. Hopefully that will change in the coming days.


----------



## TDSC60

Meva123987 said:


> Not a typo. I am eating, but everything I eat is in and out due to stress and nerves. I have actually been in a better place the past 2 days mentally but still can't hold onto food. Hopefully that will change in the coming days.


When you really accept that she made the choice to cheat and you, your daughter, and marriage were not even considered in that choice, you will begin to feel better.

It is common to be on a roller coaster of emotions in the first several weeks after you finally make a decision. 

You may even try to think of what you could have done to prevent the affair. You may blame yourself. DON'T do that! Any problems in the marriage can usually be a 50/50 split. Her decision to trash the family by having an affair, hiding it with lies and deception is 100% on her. 

You are grieving the end of your marriage. It is not unlike the death of a loved one. You will get over it and move on once you accept that fact.

Take care of yourself. Go buy some Ensure if keeping food down is a problem. Drink plenty of water. Try mixing a teaspoon of Apple Cider Vinegar and a couple of teaspoons of honey in 6-8 oz. of water and sip on that. It helps calm a stressed, nervous stomach.

Be strong for your girls. 

Have they accepted that you are going to divorce her because of the affair?


----------



## just got it 55

Meva123987 said:


> Thanks jsmart. I have lost over 50lbs through this ordeal. It has just wrecked my life. My focus now is on my girls and my health. I need to be strong for them, they deserve it. I am pressing forward with the Divorce papers. It pains me that it has come to this but I know it was not my fault. She has become a different person than the women I met and fell in love with 22 years ago. It's a shame that a sickness has destroyed something so wonderful. But there is nothing that I can do about it. I am meeting with a group of people starting next week whom are or were in the same position as me. I feel it will help having others that have walked this path lead me in the right direction and give me strength to be a better person than I was before.
> 
> Last night was an awakening as my daughters comforted me and said, "Dad, we got this, we know it's not your fault" What more could a man and father need? I love those girls!!


 @Meva123987

The road to recovery and a peaceful heart is paved by the love and respect from your children Any other positive is simply gravy.

Keep your chin up brother
This will pass.

55


----------



## alte Dame

I am so sorry to hear about your health issues. I truly wish there were some consequence for people who cause so much loss and pain. Have you tried liquid supplements like Ensure?


----------



## TDSC60

Hope you are feeling better.

Don't let your "nervous stomach" go on untreated. Could be an ulcer which could turn into a bleeding ulcer. See a doctor.

How are your girls doing?


----------



## Meva123987

I have a Dr's appointment on Wednesday. As for the girls, they are taking it hard. They want answers. I have disclosed the affair to both of them. I kept it very PG, they have so many questions. The tears right now seem endless. It is consuming all of our lives except for the one causing the pain. The worst part of this is my time away from my kids. It is so unfair to think that somebody you could love so much could turn and destroy a family. My youngest daughter woke me up last night and said "Dad I need a hug, why is this happening to our family?" I have no words except to them that I've tried everything in my power to make this work. Both of the girls were suspecting that there was someone else, it's the only thing that makes sense they both say. It's just hard to accept that it happened.


----------



## jsmart

Divorce is rough on teens. Most people are concerned with small children but it's actually teens that are hit hardest. Even college age young adult kids can have have their world rock by finding that there family is being destroyed. 

Our society is so used to the stereo type of a dad that's not there, that a dad running out on the mother though painful, doesn't devestate the way a mother abandoning the family does. A father is usually the leader of the family but the mother being the heart, is central to the family. Without mom, the family struggles to live on. The way your wife ran off, makes it real hard for the kids to not take it like a personal rejection.

All I can advise is to continue to reassure them that you love them and will never abandon them. The father is usually the rock of the family but now you need to be like the rock of Gibraltar.


----------



## [email protected]

Meva, you know what they say: Don 't get mad. Get even!


----------



## bandit.45

Meva go to a health food store and get a couple of cans of protein shake mixes and drink three of those a day. That way you are getting your vitamins and basic nutrition. They lay easier on your stomach also. 

The weight loss and lack of appetite is 100% normal. Don't worry though, your body is resilient. The human body is actually set up to go on frequent, sporadic fasts. If it wasn't mankind would have died off 10,000 years ago during the ice age. You'll live.


----------



## TDSC60

Meva123987 said:


> I have a Dr's appointment on Wednesday. As for the girls, they are taking it hard. They want answers. *I have disclosed the affair to both of them. I kept it very PG, they have so many questions. The tears right now seem endless. It is consuming all of our lives except for the one causing the pain.* The worst part of this is my time away from my kids. *It is so unfair to think that somebody you could love so much could turn and destroy a family. My youngest daughter woke me up last night and said "Dad I need a hug, why is this happening to our family?"* I have no words except to them that I've tried everything in my power to make this work. Both of the girls were suspecting that there was someone else, it's the only thing that makes sense they both say. It's just hard to accept that it happened.


Nostalgia is a powerful emotion. Remembering the good times in your marriage and wondering if you could have done something different that would have made a difference is normal. But it does not help. You could not have stopped this. The affair is 100% her choice. A choice made in secret by her with no regard nor thought as to the effect on you and the girls.

It is hard to reconcile the good mother and wife of the past with the women who has now set off the bomb that blew the family apart.

Your girls are going through this with you wondering the same thoughts. Possibly thinking that it may be something they did that contributed to this destruction. If they ask why this is happening - just be truthful. You are as confused as they are as to the "why". But what she has done makes it impossible for you to remain married. You have to be strong for them and show them that what their mother has done is the reason for the divorce. That she is the one who walked away from the family for another man. Show them the strong man with character who is their father. In a marriage what she has done is not acceptable.

Have you considered IC for the girls to help them deal with this? Have you considered IC for yourself? Maybe even a family counselor for you and your girls.

Stay strong.


----------



## bandit.45

Meva, you need to also warn your daughters that their mom will be attempting to gaslight them and steer them towards thinking that you are the crazy, insane, jealous one. Tell them if they have concerns or questions that hey can come to you for any reason at any time. 

Love the hell out of them. Be the rock they need.


----------



## bandit.45

Deleted.


----------



## Meva123987

I am so lost. How do I move on from this? How do I recover? The one thing I've been grateful for my entire life was my relationship with my wife. We were best friends, did everything together. This morning I said goodbye to my daughters for the next 5 days. I just don't understand how this happened... I've given my all for my family and now they are gone. The girls cried and said goodbye. There is just so much hurt on our end and their mom is acting like nothing has even happened. How can that be? The reality of the situation is setting in, as she is now seeing that it is impossible to move on without getting another job. Nothing makes any sense. The girls are questioning her, they are hurt that she will not talk to them. My take is the guilt and shame of the affair is too much to bear. I am meeting with her parents on Saturday as they want to hear my side of the story. I am prepared to give it to them as straight as I can. 

I know that no one has the answers as to why things like this happen. It's just a tragedy to see our daughters hurt so much. I've come to find out that they are taking turns sleeping on a cot. Both of them are complaining about it. They have big beautiful rooms with beds at home and they've been reduced to sleeping on a cot at their grandparents. I will be sure to bring this up as well on Saturday as they are enabling their daughters behavior by letting her have everything she wants. I need to draw the line and stand firm, but the girls want to see their mom and they should see their mom. I am so lost and confused. Everything is upside down and a mess. Hard to believe that a person you love so much could cause so much pain. Our entire family on both sides are confused but in my corner as they are as lost as me. 

I just needed to vent...it helps when I can get it out a bit.

I miss my family


----------



## 3Xnocharm

She owes it to your girls to be upfront and honest with them when they ask her questions. They will never feel secure if their own mother isnt communicating with them. Make sure that YOU are being open with them, always. Why is she getting so much time with them when she doesnt even have a proper setup for them? 

You need to stop focusing on the why, and the how could she, because it really doesnt matter at this point. What matters is dealing with the crap you have been handed, and make the best possible outcome of the situation. She isnt the person you believed her to be, and even if she changed her mind at this point, why would you even want her? How could you possibly see a life with someone who would disrespect you in this way? Its time to get out of the woe is me, and get pissed. Pissed gets things done. You can wallow later when its all over and taken care of. Your girls are looking to you to lead them on this, and they need a strong adult example.


----------



## Taxman

Meva, one thing that I haven't seen. He is a coworker. You go to their HR department, every company has one, or you see the head of the firm, you say to him that this is a workplace romance that broke your home. You demand that loverboy lose his job. Then, confront the son of a *****. Keep your hands in your pockets, but you tell him that this is going to cost. One of my clients, bullied the OM. Told him of the devastation that his life would be if he farted in his wife's general direction. Convinced him that she was typhoid mary. The OM literally told her to f'-off and took to the hills. My client informed his mother, and siblings. (not married). I intercepted a call, I believe she was looking for his lawyer and stumbled across my number. I told her that we were preparing a lawsuit, and her son would be bankrupt, and begging on the streets, then, being the arsehole that I can be, told Mommie dearest that if her son could not come up with monies to cover the lawsuit, we would be looking to her and her husband.

Meva, as someone has already said, do not get mad, get even. I have had one or two who said they were having an MLC, and the insane need to bust up their family. Suddenly when everything is destroyed, they wake up PDQ, and realize that their only safe harbor was their family, and they no longer have that. Make sure that the affair is known to all. As I have said to many a client, make sure the scarlet A is tattooed to their forehead. Let her entire family know, let everyone at work know, let every friend you ever had know.
Affairs die when exposed to the light of day.


----------



## TDSC60

Meva123987 said:


> I am so lost. How do I move on from this? How do I recover? The one thing I've been grateful for my entire life was my relationship with my wife. We were best friends, did everything together. This morning I said goodbye to my daughters for the next 5 days. I just don't understand how this happened... I've given my all for my family and now they are gone. The girls cried and said goodbye. There is just so much hurt on our end and their mom is acting like nothing has even happened. How can that be? The reality of the situation is setting in, as she is now seeing that it is impossible to move on without getting another job. Nothing makes any sense. The girls are questioning her, they are hurt that she will not talk to them. My take is the guilt and shame of the affair is too much to bear. I am meeting with her parents on Saturday as they want to hear my side of the story. I am prepared to give it to them as straight as I can.
> 
> I know that no one has the answers as to why things like this happen. It's just a tragedy to see our daughters hurt so much. I've come to find out that they are taking turns sleeping on a cot. Both of them are complaining about it. They have big beautiful rooms with beds at home and they've been reduced to sleeping on a cot at their grandparents. I will be sure to bring this up as well on Saturday as they are enabling their daughters behavior by letting her have everything she wants. I need to draw the line and stand firm, but the girls want to see their mom and they should see their mom. I am so lost and confused. Everything is upside down and a mess. *Hard to believe that a person you love so much could cause so much pain.* Our entire family on both sides are confused but in my corner as they are as lost as me.
> 
> I just needed to vent...it helps when I can get it out a bit.
> 
> I miss my family


The people we love and trust are the ones who have the power to hurt us the most.

You are on a roller coaster of emotions right now. It is normal when you find out about an affair and your spouse acts like it is business as usual. You keep looking for some sign that she is hurting just like you, but it is not there. 

Stay strong. You are grieving the death of your marriage. What makes it worse is that your wife, the person you loved and trusted with your life, is the one who killed it by turning to another man.

Your girls need you more than ever to be their rock.


----------



## bandit.45

Meva you will never get a satisfactory answer from her as to why she is doing this. If she does answer you, I can guarantee she will spin it that it was all your fault. 

The short story is that she is broken and lacks moral integrity. She cheated because she wanted to. Simple. Take that truth and run with it.


----------



## jsmart

Meva, when you speak to her parents, you need to expose ALL. Don't hold anything back. Also you should call out the members of her family that are enabling her.

Also, I'm with @Taxman on exposing this POS at work. I would definitely work on getting them BOTH fired. If you end up getting divorced, it will not effect the amount of alimony you may be required to pay because the courts are going to expect your wife to get a similar paying job.


----------



## Marc878

The truth fixes a lot of things. Stand up and tell it like it is.

You can't fix this only your wayward wife could.

No ass kissing. That will not get you a thing.


----------



## bandit.45

See a lawyer and ask about the alimony BEFORE you think of exposing at their workplace. If she gets fired you may end up paying twice what you normally would.


----------



## mickybill

bandit.45 said:


> See a lawyer and ask about the alimony BEFORE you think of exposing at their workplace. If she gets fired you may end up paying twice what you normally would.


Or maybe not, when my XWW floated the idea of 6 months of spousal support (she was a teacher and had 3 months off for summer and I guess wanted 3 more months just because) the arbitrator told her that since she had a college degree, an engineering degree and an MBA along with a 20 year work history no judge would sign off on her getting spousal support.


----------



## bandit.45

mickybill said:


> Or maybe not, when my XWW floated the idea of 6 months of spousal support (she was a teacher and had 3 months off for summer and I guess wanted 3 more months just because) the arbitrator told her that since she had a college degree, an engineering degree and an MBA along with a 20 year work history no judge would sign off on her getting spousal support.


Um...he needs to ask a lawyer before he thinks about getting her canned at work. "Maybe" isn't good enough to bet his future on.


----------



## Chaparral

bandit.45 said:


> Um...he needs to ask a lawyer before he thinks about getting her canned at work. "Maybe" isn't good enough to bet his future on.


I have never seen this to be true on these or any other boards. Do you have an example of that happening. If that were true, people would quit on purpose to get out of paying more or to receive more. It’s illogical.


----------



## CantBelieveThis

Meva123987 said:


> The one thing I've been grateful for my entire life was my relationship with my wife. We were best friends, did everything together.


herein lays a big problem, do not ever ever base your livelihood on having to have a spouse or best friend by your side....that's a hard one to swallow for recently betrayed spouses like you....but its reality my friend....people are flawed, they will let you down given enough time. 
You are projecting your leveled thinking and love for her onto her, but she isnt you, and never was or will be....you need to learn to live well and happy on your own skin more than anything, and to never let that go


----------



## TDSC60

Did you have that talk with her parents?


----------



## Meva123987

Her parents did not come over this weekend. They told my oldest daughter that they really want to talk with me to gain some understanding but they are scared if my wife finds out. AAHHHHHH!!! That's the problem nobody wants to hurt her feelings. It's so disheartening that even her parents are enabling the behavior. My in laws did say that they want to get with me this upcoming weekend. Seeing is believing I guess. 

There was a bit of a breakthrough with our church as they dismissed her from all of her responsibilities due to the affair. Of course she continues to deny any wrong doing. So I am feeling a bit better that at least someone is taking the hard road with her. 

My intent here is not to salvage the marriage but to be civil to each other so we can co-parent our daughters moving forward. The issue at hand is that she has completely checked out and become a different person. I've had several people come to me over the weekend and ask what is wrong? Is she OK? She looks extremely sick and unhealthy? So, it is hard to have a civil conversation with someone who is "on recess" right now in their life. I'm just looking foe some kind of stability through this storm.


----------



## Taxman

Tell everyone the truth. I have had a nasty call or two from wayward spouses who objected to my advising their betrayed partner to tell absolutely everyone that their spouse stepped out. One lady in particular told me that she has been ducking come-ons since her husband, and I were letting everyone in their circle know that she had relations with another husband in that circle. She was slightly frightened that her husband's family declared that they would revenge themselves on her. I fired her as a client, and heard that she had burned her bridges with a number of lawyers and accountants in town, and was seeing a few chaps in our satellite community. Good! I know most of them, and my people can run rings around them. Yes, I am a vengeful bastard. He is a good guy, and definitely did not deserve this. From what I understand, she is being systematically isolated. The job and the boyfriend both went the same day. Her parents were told, and although they have not turned their backs, they are not exactly thrilled either. Their approach is basically hands off. Her STBX is busily doing legal filings. She will not have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out. (My guy is no slouch. He had agreements with her due to a business operating out of their home, many of those agreements can be interpreted as post nuptials-in other words, she is going to really need a lawyer to keep a few bucks to her name). In short, let her and the AP curse one another, they have stepped in it, and the stink does not wash off.


----------



## jsmart

Meva123987 said:


> *Her parents did not come over this weekend. They told my oldest daughter that they really want to talk with me to gain some understanding but they are scared if my wife finds out. AAHHHHHH!!! That's the problem nobody wants to hurt her feelings. It's so disheartening that even her parents are enabling the behavior. My in laws did say that they want to get with me this upcoming weekend. Seeing is believing I guess. *
> 
> There was a bit of a breakthrough with our church as they dismissed her from all of her responsibilities due to the affair. Of course she continues to deny any wrong doing. So I am feeling a bit better that at least someone is taking the hard road with her.
> 
> My intent here is not to salvage the marriage but to be civil to each other so we can co-parent our daughters moving forward. The issue at hand is that she has completely checked out and become a different person. I've had several people come to me over the weekend and ask what is wrong? Is she OK? She looks extremely sick and unhealthy? So, it is hard to have a civil conversation with someone who is "on recess" right now in their life. I'm just looking foe some kind of stability through this storm.


Meva, you need to take charge. Passively waiting for other's to do the right thing, will leave you in an indefinite limbo. You need to get yourself & your daughters out of infidelity. You need to go to her families house and lay EVERYTHING out on the table. Your in-laws have been in your life for over 22 years. They have 2 grand daughters that need their intervention. For your families sake, TAKE ACTION.

Did you expose them at work? They both need consequences. Did you secure your finances? shared credit cards and bank accounts? We've had threads from BHs who've had their WWs run up massive debt furnishing some love nest. Have you reached out to a few lawyers to get a picture of what you're really in store for? Don't take the word of others concerning your legal rights. Don't go to just any ambulance chaser who also does divorces. Get yourself a ninja divorce lawyer. 

We know your in shock and your mind is overwhelmed but busying yourself by taking action will actually make you feel better. Right now you've given all of your power to your WW. Take the power back by being proactive. Your girls need to see a strong dad.


----------



## bandit.45

Chaparral said:


> I have never seen this to be true on these or any other boards. Do you have an example of that happening. If that were true, people would quit on purpose to get out of paying more or to receive more. It’s illogical.


Uh no...I'm not doing legal research just to win an argument ... thank you. 

All I'm saying is that if Meva lives in a locale where alimony is compulsory, such as California, it would not hurt for him to go to a lawyer (or two, or three) and ask if getting her canned from her job will result in him having to pay more alimony than he would otherwise have to. 

If I'm wrong, you can throw a "Bandit Was Wrong, Chap Was Right" party. No skin off my back.


----------



## TDSC60

Meva123987 said:


> Her parents did not come over this weekend. They told my oldest daughter that they really want to talk with me to gain some understanding but they are scared if my wife finds out. AAHHHHHH!!! That's the problem nobody wants to hurt her feelings. It's so disheartening that even her parents are enabling the behavior. My in laws did say that they want to get with me this upcoming weekend. Seeing is believing I guess.
> 
> There was a bit of a breakthrough with our church as they dismissed her from all of her responsibilities due to the affair. Of course she continues to deny any wrong doing. So I am feeling a bit better that at least someone is taking the hard road with her.
> 
> My intent here is not to salvage the marriage but to be civil to each other so we can co-parent our daughters moving forward. *The issue at hand is that she has completely checked out and become a different person. I've had several people come to me over the weekend and ask what is wrong? Is she OK? She looks extremely sick and unhealthy? So, it is hard to have a civil conversation with someone who is "on recess" right now in their life. I'm just looking foe some kind of stability through this storm.*


Please do not feel sorry for her. She is no longer the woman you married. You are right that she has become a totally different person. And this new woman is not someone you want to be around. She is not your friend. 

She is the one who chose this life so she is the one who has to deal with the consequences. She walked out. She is not your responsibility. It is not up to you to save her from herself nor to fix what she has willfully broken.

If someone wants to know if she is OK, just respond "She walked out on our family. She is not my concern any longer. I don't know what she is doing or who she is doing it with".

You need to get to point of indifference where what she does no longer matters to you. Your girls are old enough to understand that you need to heal yourself by doing this. You cannot keep putting yourself through the wringer because of what she has done and will do in the future.

Co-parenting is good. But only if she is focused on the girls and not putting them secondary to what she wants. If not, then you will be the parent regardless of what she does.


----------



## Meva123987

Even though I don't know any of you, I can't express enough the thanks to you all for the support through this. 

Currently things are spiraling out of control at a rapid pace. Last night the girls told mom that they no longer want to stay at the grandparents, and that they want to be home. This was of course not well received by my WW. 

I have another appointment with a lawyer later in the week to file. I'm still in shock and disbelief but I can't live like this any longer. I've been doing a lot of reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I believe I've found some real insight to our marriage that I was never willing to admit to myself. This has been a real eye opener to say the least. I can't wait for the pain to subside and my heart to heal. This is the most agonizing thing I've ever been through. I am doing my best to stay focused on the girls, I'm also trying to stay angry about the affair and the situation. I have my moments but denial creeps right back in. One step forward 2 steps back. 

Thanks again for the support.


----------



## Mr.Married

Hang tough! Believe it or not, you are doing much better than a lot of people we have seen on here. Your gonna make it ..... it's easy to tell.

I know you feel all busted up right now but you have what it takes. Keep going !


----------



## TDSC60

Meva123987 said:


> Even though I don't know any of you, I can't express enough the thanks to you all for the support through this.
> 
> Currently things are spiraling out of control at a rapid pace. Last night the girls told mom that they no longer want to stay at the grandparents, and that they want to be home. This was of course not well received by my WW.
> 
> I have another appointment with a lawyer later in the week to file. I'm still in shock and disbelief but I can't live like this any longer. I've been doing a lot of reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I believe I've found some real insight to our marriage that I was never willing to admit to myself. This has been a real eye opener to say the least. I can't wait for the pain to subside and my heart to heal. This is the most agonizing thing I've ever been through. I am doing my best to stay focused on the girls, I'm also trying to stay angry about the affair and the situation. I have my moments but denial creeps right back in. One step forward 2 steps back.
> 
> Thanks again for the support.


You are taking steps to get out of the marriage tainted by your wife's willing infidelity. Bravo. Stay the course.

And I applaud your girls for standing up for themselves in a situation they were tossed into by the actions of their mother. I'm almost positive a factor in their decision was that your STBXW was bad mouthing you and attempting to shift the blame for the break down of the marriage to you and off the fact that she had an affair. 

Have the in-laws come to talk to you yet?

Having dealt with several narcissist in the past, it is common for them to blame everything that goes wrong on someone other than themselves. They simply cannot take responsibility for their actions and feel no guilt at all. They do what they do because they want to - regardless of any pain it causes others.


----------



## TDSC60

Meva123987 said:


> I've been doing a lot of reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and *I believe I've found some real insight to our marriage that I was never willing to admit to myself*. This has been a real eye opener to say the least.


This has been labeled Betrayal Blindness by some mental health professionals. The betrayed spouse sees the red flags but refuses to accept what they mean because if they do, they would have to act. It is easier to ignore the signs and keep the relationship than it is to react to obvious problems and take a chance at loosing what they think they have. Bottom line - subconsciously you ignored all signs of problems with her until they bit you in the AZZ because you did not want to have to deal with it. You kept making excuses for her behavior to yourself even though deep down you knew something was not right.


----------



## Marc878

The quicker you rip the bandaid off the quicker you get to the other side.

Wallowing in this just keeps you in this longer than necessary.

Not a good place to be.

Move fast and hard. There's nothing worth looking for in you rear view here.


----------



## TDSC60

Bottom line is that she chose her relationship with the OM over her kids, her marriage, and her husband. And she is continuing that relationship since they still work together. She did this for one very simple reason - she wanted to do it. Regardless of the pain she has caused - she wanted to do it. And she has. She probably thought she would never be caught, after all, she had his address listed under a girls name - like we haven't seen that before.

Now take care of your girls and have her served with divorce papers. But be prepared for her coming to you in a few weeks and crying for another chance when she finally wakes up to the fact that her fantasy life is not going to be all unicorns and rainbows and reality hits her in the face. 

If her parents ever do decide to pay you a visit, don't hid anything from them. In fact, don't hid anything from anyone who asks. You are not protecting her any longer. She gave that job to her boyfriend.


----------



## faithfulman

People like your wife make terrible choices.

She will soon be alone, single or with very poor quality partners, probably drinking too much, and certainly angry at you for some reason.

I am not saying to wish ill on her, but just sit back and watch her life crumble under the weight of her awful choices.


----------



## delupt

Meva123987 said:


> I've been doing a lot of reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I believe I've found some real insight to our marriage that I was never willing to admit to myself. This has been a real eye opener to say the least. I can't wait for the pain to subside and my heart to heal. This is the most agonizing thing I've ever been through. <snip> I have my moments but denial creeps right back in. One step forward 2 steps back.


Those of us who've lived with disordered partners (sometimes for decades) as NiceGuys™ are appauled by the reality of the situation once the blinkers are removed ... the slow boiling for years was somehow tollerable, until the dam breaks and the charade is over. 

But once you and your kids come up for air, you'll be surprised how quickly the pain is gone and your heart is healed. Suddenly parenting gets easier as there is one less toddler with tantrums to worry about. I still remember the elation and 'high' I felt on the day the judge moved mine out giving me full custody. There will be quieter moments, yet still you rise


----------



## Robert22205

You are not alone. Share vent etc here as much as you need.


----------

