# My husband said that he feels guilty after we have sex..



## misslizzy89 (Mar 14, 2011)

My husband and I got married 2 years ago after I had our daughter. We started our whole relationship out really rough and are now separated due to financial problems. He is living with his family and I am living with mine. 

The reason I tell you this is because I think all this may have contributed to what he told me: He has been feeling guilty for the past year every time we do get together for congical (sp?) visits. He says the guilt is worse than the time he cheated on me when we first dated. (I did mention we had a really rough start, right?). Could this guilt be delayed from how we started or somehow brought on by our current situation? Has anyone else experienced this?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi misslizzy ~

Not sure where his guilt is coming from (both of the possibilities you presented seem plausible), but have you asked him where it's stemming from?

Are you two working toward a reconciliation? If not, then maybe he feels guilty about still having sex with you in that situation.

Do either of you see other people during your separation? If so, maybe he feels bad about that.

Best wishes.


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## misslizzy89 (Mar 14, 2011)

He told me that he has no clue why he feels this way and wants us both to research possible reasons. We are both staying loyal to each other during this time because we are separated based on our financial status and not the relationship itself. We have been searching out a marriage counselor but have had no luck in finding one we can afford since we do feel like it is needed during this separation since we only see each other once every couple of months.

He has said several times during this separation that he believes that I can do better than him. Maybe this feeling is making the guilt show up?


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I would guess, that perhaps the "visits" make him feel like he's merely using you for sex while the relationship stagnates and progresses nowhere.

If you guys aren't going to therapy, and aren't really working on the relationship and its problems, its going to feel more like bed buddies than a marriage.

I know when stbx and I were doing a similar situation I just felt used, and found myself offering up sex as much as possible just to get to spend time with him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Only he can tell you why he feels guilty. Guilt stems from knowing you're doing something wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Generally, if someone feels bad for sleeping with someone, its because they regret it/their heaart isn't in it/ they know they are leading that person on/using them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I've not experienced this, and since I don't know him at all this is going to be a bit of a wild guess... but does he feel guilt over the fact that he can't provide for his family. Does he feel guilt that because of the financial difficulties y'all are living separately in your individual parent's house?

I'd be a bit surprised if the guilt was over the start of the relationship, simply because it doesn't make sense that he would forget the guilt and then it would come back (esp for something that happened so long ago).

One other concern of mine is simply this: is there any chance that's he's cheated on you again?

Now I gather that money is a huge issue, but is there someone you two could talk to? Sometimes really large churches offer free councilors.


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## Mestupxtian (Mar 30, 2012)

I agree with Browncoat, there are lots of things to feel guilty about. You might go deeply into the fact that you forgive him for the infidelity and that you understand about why you are separated. All guys go through the "I'm not good enough for her" phase if they really love their girl (I did, too). You need to reassure him that he is your choice and give him reasons why he is best for you. Accentuate the positives so to say.

He may also be guilty because he doesn't forgive himself for how things started or how they are now. He may need to see a therapist solo to talk things out. It may also be that he just has trouble letting things go which would also be alleviated by professional help.

I am curious as to why you are living separate instead of both living with one set of parents or another. Usually, that is the way it works out so that you can still be together until you get back on your feet. It would also alleviate the guilt he feels if it stems from him feeling like you are a "booty call" since you are living separate.

I would also call local churches and tell them that you are financially strapped but don't want that to cost you your marriage due to not being able to afford counseling. Most will give you some free sessions with a pastor or jr. pastor if you tell them. Those will be invaluable to getting on the same page. Also, just spending one-on-one time together helps. Get your parents or his to watch the little one(s) while you go to a park or some place quiet and talk.


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## marriedat19 (Mar 28, 2012)

misslizzy89 said:


> He has said several times during this separation that he believes that I can do better than him. Maybe this feeling is making the guilt show up?


RED FLAG not good.... why is he not good enough?? He did something wrong and doesn't want to tell you about it because he is still in love with you. -I am about 97% sure.- Why else would he feel guilty.. it is a good thing that he wants to work it out. Guilty- that feeling is caused because you did something wrong.. if you didn't you wouldn't feel that way. No one just wakes up and feels guilty, maybe they feel angry, sleepy, edgy, but not guilty.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

marriedat19 said:


> RED FLAG not good.... why is he not good enough?? He did something wrong and doesn't want to tell you about it because he is still in love with you. -I am about 97% sure.- Why else would he feel guilty.. it is a good thing that he wants to work it out. Guilty- that feeling is caused because you did something wrong.. if you didn't you wouldn't feel that way. No one just wakes up and feels guilty, maybe they feel angry, sleepy, edgy, but not guilty.


Not necessarily. I can just be a sign of depression and extremely low self-esteem.

You can love someone so much and feel so poorly about yourself that you feel like you are doing them a favor by begging them to leave you (since you think of yourself as worse than worthless). That is you view your spouse as a diamond and yourself as a piece of animal dropping... you want your diamond to shine w/o you.


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## misslizzy89 (Mar 14, 2011)

I think I have found out the issue...well, at least part of it. My husband told me a couple of days ago that he has found a girl who understands him perfectly and he has been trying to find anyone who could do this; male or female. They have been talking for quite a while. She has already told him she will not date him and they are only friends but he seems to be confusing the feeling of having someone who understands him and the closeness that comes with that with "puppy love" as he calls it. He told me he is not leaving me for her but that he does need to make sure there is not more to this than just a crush.

I'm not really sure how I should address this issue but I do think it is contributing to his guilt after sex since he told me he has been thinking about her a lot. Any thoughts?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

He's probably thinking about her during sex with you. If so then he probably feels like he's cheating on both you and her.

He needs to not see her at all. She may be totally innocent and may not have sex with him ever, but the fact that he has any feelings for this woman is exactly what he doesn't need right now.

He'll likely make a ton of excuses and reasons why he should be allowed to keep her in his life. Bottom line is this is an emotional affair (EA), and it needs to end.


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## misslizzy89 (Mar 14, 2011)

We talked tonight and he decided to stop talking to her "for now" (as he said) but I'm not sure how long his "for now" will be. I know he will have feelings for her for a while since they are so much alike.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

misslizzy89 said:


> We talked tonight and he decided to stop talking to her "for now" (as he said) but I'm not sure how long his "for now" will be. I know he will have feelings for her for a while since they are so much alike.


He's craving a friend, sounds like he feels alone. Still he needs to go about finding a new male friend instead of relying on this other gal if he's serious about saving your marriage (IMO).

There's definitely some form of EA going on.


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