# Marriage problems - wife has left.



## ro1111 (Mar 25, 2012)

Hi,
I'm currently feeling the lowest in my life i ever have. as of today my wife has left me. she has told me she no longer feels intimate with me. she says she has been feeling this way for 6 months and believes she cannot resolve this issue with me.
i love her and dont want to loose her. she knows this but she cant see herself getting us back to how we were.
she has stated she will go to counselling with me. does anyone here have any advice they could share with me and what should i do & say to her to try and get her back.
many thanks.
roland.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

ro1111 said:


> she has stated she will go to counselling with me.
> 
> what should i do & say to her to try and get her back.


Go to counseling with her.


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## ro1111 (Mar 25, 2012)

does anyone know whether it is possible for a woman to regain the intimacy and does counselling help show her she can.
thanks


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Could she have a boyfriend? Do you have access to her phone/texts/email/facebook etc.?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You haven't given hardly any info


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## ro1111 (Mar 25, 2012)

no she says no boyfriend. ive checked her facebook/email etc for my own sake and all appear to have nothing going on.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ro1111 said:


> as of today my wife has left me. she has told me she no longer feels intimate with me. she says she has been feeling this way for 6 months and believes she cannot resolve this issue with me.


Something doesn't add up ... either she is having an EA or PA, or both of you have been so uninvolved in each other's lives and distant that you didn't see this coming.

As a woman, I can tell you that a wife doesn't just make such a major announcement without lots of previous "fallout" floating around in the marriage environment.

So, are you that out-of-contact with who she is and what she has been feeling over the past six months? Or are you glossing over the possibility that she's having an affair? I know, I know ... you have gone through everything and found no evidence. Again, as a woman, I'm telling you there is a lot more to this than what you are divulging. 

However, given your brevity of responses, it may be that you are not particularly communicative with her or anyone else. Correct or not?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Wow, could there be any less information to go on?

You must investigate futher to rule out an affair while you continue other efforts in parallel.

Have you been abusive to her?

Have you been meeting her needs? Do you know what those are? 

How long have you been together? How many children? Have you or she been unfaithful in the past?

Does she work? Who does she hangout with? What types of things do you do together? What type of things do you do apart?

Do you work?

Where did she go when she left? What kind of sex life have yoy had in recent months?

Did you ask her to go to counseling or did she volunteer that? I am thinking on her way out you pleaded with her for that and she trhough you a sure I'll go to counseling. You basically got the I Love You But Am Not In Love With You speech. In is not a certainty but this points to her having an interest in someone specific or just in general wanting to look for intimacy with someone besides you.

Yiou really need to provide some actual background to get anything but canned advice.

Rather than asking for a separation she just walked out on you. Separation can be a mechanism for spouses to pursue an affair.

Instigation, Isolation and Escalation. You just entered a whole other world of Isolation from her.

Now really, what do you think is up with her. There were signs. Does she have any male friends? 

Can we assume you have been spending at least 15 hours a week of quality time with her? I am thinking not but it would help to know.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ro1111 said:


> no she says no boyfriend. ive checked her facebook/email etc for my own sake and all appear to have nothing going on.


FWIW, folks in affairs can have affair accounts and affair phones. But assuming for the moment she does not, she could be deleting chats. Does she use skype? What type of phone does she use? Have you checked the phone account for number of texts and call history? Look deeper. Look at her internet search history.

Have you dumped the list of FB friends? Do they all make sense? No ex BFs or lovers? No High School or College heart throbs?

Assuming she does not have a male personal trainer or golf / tennis / yoga instructor or whatever. 

Who are her female friends? Are they "marriage friendly"? Can you ask one of her friends what is going on?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ro1111 said:


> does anyone know whether it is possible for a woman to regain the intimacy and does counselling help show her she can.
> thanks


You will get all sorts of answers here on this. I think like anything it depends. But if she is in an affair that must die and she must go through withdrawal first. It depends on why she lost it and whether or not it is really up to you to "fix". Gong extreme beta and begging wlll not work. Go to the men's clubhouse and look at the stckies related to manning up.

here -> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## ro1111 (Mar 25, 2012)

thanks for the replies, what is a EP or a PA?.

Following on from the replies.

Yes we have been finding it hard over the last 6 months or so.

i had some credit card debt that i have finally finished paying which was causing her alot of concern as i kept this to myself.

She also wanted to move house but due to not having the money to do it this caused her to cry.

our sex life has been pretty miserable with her having excuses everytime i seemed to ask. i find this may have caused problems with myself due to not really bothering to ask anymore and even when i did ask i knew i wouldnt get anywhere and pushed away.

i had slightly distanced myself from her but this was due to her arguing with me and me arguing back. she used to sit watching tv whilst i would go upstairs and go on the internet.

we had stopped doing things together. i.e. going out or going shipping or to the cinema with her.

i can see it myself that i have brought this situation on but she says she still loves me but not in an intimate way. she described her feelings like i were her brother.

a few of her friends are single and younger than her and her best friend has just broke up with her boyfriend.

i am a couple of years older than her and we have been together since she was 17. she is now 27. we have no children. my sister has also just announced she is pregnant.

we have the odd argument but we get over and are friends again within 30 mins or so.

neither of us have cheated ever before.

we both work although she doesnt really enjoy her job.

when she left she went to her fathers to stay. her brother lives there with his girlfriend sleeping the odd night as her father works away. we used to have an average straight forward sex life as she was never a sex maniac. this is just the way she is.

i believe myself that the marraige breakdown was due to me not spending enough quality time with her and the sexual feeling towards me has vanished.

i know we can be happy together again its just i believe i need to show her the good times again.

i hope the info allows for some further advice. thanks.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Married Man Sex Life


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Maybe she just want to go out and live life as a single woman since you have been together since she was 17 and you don't have any kids so now would be her time.

If she does come back do you really want to live with somebody who just wants to be your friend.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I find it funny how everyone thinks there is not enough info. Treating this like it's not expected. What is there to know? It's just another walk away wife. HELLO!! Am I missing something?

And they RARELY come back. Get used to being alone. The only additional info I need is how old he is and if there are any kids. Those are the keys to giving him advice on how to deal with it. If he says "young" and "no kids", he is the luckiest man in the world for finding out when he did. He just doesn't know it yet.

Go ahead and try the counseling. Check it off of your list. You are in for a rough ride. Get used to the fact that she's not coming back. They rarely do.

EDIT - Premature post. No kids. You are a GOD to me. You will soon find out how lucky you are.

EDIT 2 - My kids are my world. But if they weren't there, my marriage problems would be over.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yes we can see the downword sprial but you must inverstigate further to see if she is involved with someone at her work or if she is freeing herself to live a single lifestyle. Her friends are not married. Her best friend is now unattached so basically that makes her, her best friends wing woman now.

You are lucky you have no children. 

If you were still together I would encourage the His Needs Her Needs together and www.marriedmansexlife.com. But the immediate issue is her activities right now. 

She may have met someone at her work or while hanging out with her friends. You did not say what she does with her spare time away from you.
It would have been easier to investigate if she was still living with you.


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## ro1111 (Mar 25, 2012)

she goes to the gym mon/web/thurs with some girls she knows.

then out with her friends at weekends.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

ro1111 said:


> then out with her friends at weekends.


DANGER! DANGER Will Robinson! (I stole that from somebody else. How often can you sneak a "Lost in Space" quite in here?)

Where does she go and what does she do with her friends on the weekends? I know the answer. I just want to see if you do.


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## ro1111 (Mar 25, 2012)

she usually goes to the local pub or night clubbing. every now and again they go away for the weekend. i'm sure its not because she has found someone else or if she wants someone else. i feel its because i have not kept on top of making her feel loved and appreciated.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

From what you describe she's either involved with another man or wants to be
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Do you know what she does when she's out nightclubbing? Does she meet men? Party with them? Flirt with them? Dance with them? God knows what else with them? Do you REALLY not know that "I want space" combined with a new hankerin' for nightclubbing = She's got a free for all party with strange boys?

And she goes away on Weekends with these gals?

Is this a joke?

Sorry. I take that back. Out of line. Please ask her to describe a typical evening of clubbing at the meat markets with her toxic friends. If it doesn't make you want to puke, she's probably lying.


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## ro1111 (Mar 25, 2012)

hi. i have thought about what you say but she is an honest girl and wouldnt do that kind of thing. she goes out to socialise not to go with everything that take her fancy.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Women who love their husbands more than life itself make mistakes at meat markets that they end up regretting.

Women who are bored with their husbands go to meat markets to get a thrill with strange men.

Women who have already left the marriage go to meat markets to find a replacement man. If just for a night or a week. 

The good news is that my first post may be incorrect. Once she gets all of the men she needs out of her system, she may just come back to you. Question is, will you want her after that?

I can guarantee she has had inappropriate contact with strange men. GUARANTEE!


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

ro1111 said:


> hi. i have thought about what you say but she is an honest girl and wouldnt do that kind of thing. she goes out to socialise not to go with everything that take her fancy.


Have you been to a meat market lately? SOCIALIZE? you can't even talk. ASK HER WHAT SHE DOES! They SPY!

God, I wish I did.

I thought we settled this wives clubbing thing a long time ago. Little help here? He needs it.


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## ro1111 (Mar 25, 2012)

yes i go out with the lads to these night clubs aswell as pubs to socialise (english spelling as i'm from the uk) our night culture may be different over here to what it is over there. our pubs and nightclubs do have the odd type of girl you are talking about but me and my wife are not.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Just have a friend who she doesn't know follow her one night. From what I've read, it's not THAT much different between countries. In the US I'd guarantee she was w.h.o.r.i.n.g around. I can't imagine putting a lot of half naked bodies in a sexually charged atmosphere with free flowing alcohol has results that are too much different in any culture. And if the wife already admitted she's checked out of the marriage...


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I'm done. I've hijacked your thread enough with MY issue. But that brings me back to my original post...

Good luck to you. I've lived where you are right now. We're still in the same house. I'm not breaking up my family just because I'm miserable. And I AM miserable.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'm so sorry you are in this mess. The emotional pain must be tremendous, and please vent if that helps you to feel better.

As a woman, my perspective on what they mean by a "walk away wife".

The relationship starts to not be as fulfulling.... aruguing, not having as much sex, talk about things and nothing changes. Resentment can set in. One partner (wife) emotionally gets distant. Stop talking about things. Advice they might get? Go out and get your own life. Then there is a choice to be made.

If she is spending her time on hobbies, classes, exercising, things to improve herself, she is doing healthy things and has made a choice to work on HERSELF so that the marriage can improve.

If she is spending her time partying with women and frequenting places where "men" are.. she has made a choice that it's not HER that is wrong in the relationship... you are wrong for her and she is taking out her anger at you by looking for a replacement.

Strongly suggest you go to counselling. Maybe only to help with some closure, but also to give it some faith... maybe there is hope, maybe you can find out what is going on. I wish you well


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## ro1111 (Mar 25, 2012)

thanks for this. do you think a woman can find the attraction against a man they had for them once they feel they have lost it?
she described the feelings towards me of like a brother and not a lover.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yes, I do believe it's possible to regain the "love" feelings.
However, she has already left, and I'm sorry for that. 
The brother not a lover reference refers to still caring for your well being, but not attracted to you as a lover because she has emotionally distanced herself. (she's already done the "break up" part of this in her heart).

If at all possible, you should try and schedule a few counselling sessions and discuss it together. Get things out on the table.

Did she file for divorce, take everything, or just leave for a few days? Where is she staying?


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## ro1111 (Mar 25, 2012)

she hasnt brought divorce up at all. she just said she's moving out to her fathers house. she hasnt taken all her belongings and really just taken a few bags of clothes with her.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Go talk to her father, and her. Get thee to counselling, together.
If you cannot afford or find counselling, you might even consider asking a family member or church to help you sit down and work this out.

Basically, since she left... write up what needs to be done, legally.
If she wants out... then she's out. Ask her what her plan is, where is going to move to, what's the deal with all her stuff still being there? You want to know if she is bluffing, or not.

If she is bluffing and just mad about something, then she needs to talk about it. 

What does she want from you? Specifically. What's the game plan?

If she has met someone else, then she needs to get her stuff, all of it, OUT and be gone.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Sorry Mate. I went off on a tangent when it slipped into my other issue. My main issue is what brought me into your thread in the first place. Wives leaving a marriage. Up until late in the thread, I actually thought you meant merely an emotional checkout. She's physically gone too. That's two strikes (sorry. American baseball. 3 strikes and you're out).

Deejov gives good advice. My only difference of opinion stems around the fact that I don't think they come back under the best of circumstances. She's already hunting. I have no doubt about that. And physically leaving the marital bed to mourn or contemplate is one thing. To check how green the grass is and/or live it up with single friends is entirely different. 

Sit down with her. You can't just be strung along as a backup while she plays and hunts. No way. She needs to man up and tell you it's over. Stringing you along as a safety valve is just mean and cowardly.

I close out for good with a re-post from my original one (you know, before I hijacked your thread?)

"EDIT - Premature post. No kids. You are a GOD to me. You will soon find out how lucky you are."

She's gone, I think. Remember the quote above. No kids? That may have saved your life, or at least your sanity.


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## ro1111 (Mar 25, 2012)

i sort of understand but i do not agree with you. i know she wont be hunting as shes not that type of girl, even if her best friend was still dating i dont think its right not to allow her to socialise or even think its wrong for them to socialise whether her friends are married/single or dating.

to put all girls into the category of looking/wanting to have a full on with someone straight after a breakup is wrong i guess. i agree there will be women out their like this but my wife isnt one of those i'm afraid. the same as going to late bars, not all girls are out to have rampant fun with everything and anything they can get their claws on.

i could however be completely wrong.

my current state of mind is to leave her be and if she wants to come back she can as i love her with all my heart. i'll give her time and when i think its time she's no coming back myself i'll suppose have to try and carry on with my life.

thanks for your comments.


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## Kaykris (Mar 26, 2012)

I think she left cause you're noticing her what she needs on a intimate level.

Be prince Charming, show her how much you adore her even her nasty side. Be honest.

Sometimes a break can be the best thing, to see what you are missing that is right infringement of you.

I'm guessing you took her for granted, sounds like it from what she says to you or why she left.

If you really want her back, be positive, happy, full of life and wanting to share it with her. Make yourself happy then you can make her.


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## ro1111 (Mar 25, 2012)

i agree, but she has left, i did take her for granted and am lost on how to get her back to show her i can once again make her happy and be my princess again. but from this point forward make sure i give her all her needs, listen to her and make sure i give her the time and space if she ever needs it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"i sort of understand but i do not agree with you. i know she wont be hunting as shes not that type of girl, even if her best friend was still dating i dont think its right not to allow her to socialise or even think its wrong for them to socialise whether her friends are married/single or dating.

to put all girls into the category of looking/wanting to have a full on with someone straight after a breakup is wrong i guess. i agree there will be women out their like this but my wife isnt one of those i'm afraid. the same as going to late bars, not all girls are out to have rampant fun with everything and anything they can get their claws on." 

I think you are the most innocent person who has posted here. You need to start reading threads here. Your wife is following the cheaters script to a tee so far and you are completely folloeing the betrayed spouse script in denial script.

If you read the threads in the Coping With Infidelity section, you will find yourself looking in a mirror.

In any event read some to this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html

Truly hope I am wrong.


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## ro1111 (Mar 25, 2012)

having just read the tam cwi link i believe this not to be the problem that has caused her to move out.

i believe that she is not having an affair at this present moment in time and i am pretty sure she hasnt had an affair previous to this moment in out lives.

although i can' put my mind at rest that she might have seen/like the idea of someone she may have contact with

reading the link i made me wonder and it brought back to me the days when i first met up with my wife she had said she had cheated before (as she had no feelings for the guy). i'm pretty sure this happened with 2 guys back when she was only 17-18, i have always mentally defended her behaviour because she was young and at the age of not understanding love.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Signs She's Cheating
1. She has detached herself from your family and friends. She is feeling guilty and finds it too hard to face your family and friends. You may even feel your spouse or girlfriend acting distant towards you.

2. A "friend" has come into the mix. You hear more and more of this friend but get no details when you ask about him. "He's only a friend!" or is he?

3. Her priorities have shifted drastically away from you. Your regular outings with her are not too regular anymore. Her new affair will require more time. You lose out!

4. She lashes out at you whenever she can. By finding a reason to lash out, she is easing her guilt while almost justifying her cheating ways.

5.She becomes defensive when you ask "Why did it take you 5 hours to go to the grocery store?" You get the picture. She answers you with a question to give herself more time to answer how she "needs" to. You will start to notice that her answers aren't adding up all the time.

6. Her physical appearance and style has changed overnight. Just like she use to "dress up" when you started dating, she will feel the need to impress her new man. Her style has started to conform to his. 

7. Her conversations no longer start with "We"; they have been substituted with "I". Where your opinion use to mean the world to her, it no longer is needed before she acts. (Ex. Comes home with a new super short hair dew without asking you, where she would have never done something so drastic without consulting with you in the good old days)

8. The Sex drops off! It always does. Where it is more likely for a man to have an affair without the emotional attachment, a woman will almost feel like it’s wrong to have sex with her fading boyfriend while in this new affair. Once again, you lose out!

9. She's not in the mood to "blank" with you, but the second a friend calls she is ready to go "blanking". This away time allows her to communicate with her new man. 

10. What's worse than when she nags at you constantly? You got it! She doesn't seem to care anymore what you are doing or what's going on in your life. (Ex. Doesn't mention how proud she is for you getting your promotion where she would have been all over that in the past.)


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Although I agree, any OP with a spouse doing any of the above things Chapparal has mentioned could be cheating, 
I will again post that I MYSELF have done ALL these things.
Out of lack of respect, apathy, and a lack of caring.

When you no longer care for your spouse, you check out.

I did these things because my H chose beer over me. He would go to the grocery store, "be back in 20 minutes" and be gone for 3 hours. I would drive over to the 4 bars in the neighborhood, and eventually find his vehicle at one of them. When I questioned him about it, I got a speech that he doesn't like to have to report where he is, and I just don't want him to have any fun. (you can't argue with an alcohol addiction, it's like the cheating spouse in the marriage) Yup he did get it on with a girl in a bar eventually, after 2 years of this behavior. So there is also merit in recognizing that if your wife continues to go clubbing... sooner or later something is likely (very likely) to happen.

But have I ever cheated? Nope. I just went on with my OWN Life. Did my own things. My H even followed ME for awhile, and I have found keyloggers on my computer. He was convinced I was cheating because of my behavior.

Turns out worse for him. There is no other man. Just a big dislike for him. He says it hurts more. And it would be easier to handle if there was someone else, people are much more understanding.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Op has a problem. Before he can work on it he ahs to identify what it is. Talking to his wife about it is great. BUT, if she is seeing someone else, everything coming out of his wifes mouth is a lie. 

And if anyone is absolutely sure thier spouse will not cheat they are simply wrong.

One way or the other he has to make certain she hasn't found another live interest so he can identify what he needs to do. From what he has posted she has many of the redflags pointing to an affair.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

You should ensure that routine dose of emotion in your wife will be above the average person and not think at all


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