# Grieving your FAMILY



## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

Right now, I'm trying not to get stuck in the grief I feel due to the loss of *our family*. (The weekends are always tough, but especially this one since they are on vacation) I miss the four of us being together - no matter what we were doing, we had fun. It is so devastating to know that those times are over for good. I am so lucky to have the memories, though. I'll hang onto them for the rest of my life. I just hope I don't always think of them like I do now - that those were the times back when "life was good". I do wonder if it can ever be that good again. Obviously it will never be "the same" again, but hopefully it can be good. 

Will I feel this grief forever? Does it ease up any with time?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

In a book I read, "Divorce and New Beginnings", it spoke of this. . .how grief takes on many forms. . .especially anger covering up the grief.

I think it's healthy you are grieving it. I still do too. I very much miss a lot of things about the loss of my family. I miss camping down the basement with the kids on a hot summer night, the runs to Old Country Buffet together when we were too busy to cook, and the holiday celebrations of course.

I can't speak from experience but once you acknowledge the loss according to the book, you can probably move forward and get through it.

I know you have to grieve it if you are going to move on.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

This is something that is the hardest for me. I am not looking forward to the holidays and even the idea of them makes me want to cry. I would like to say I am holding out on the idea of us being a family again but oh course I can't predict the future. 

I can remember right before he left thinking about asking him if we could still do holidays as a family. I didn't because he was being so mean I was scared of what he would say. 

I also miss silly little things like going out to eat, drive in movies, and mostly just being together.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Probably deserves a separate thread but I am trying to redefine my role in the family with regards to holidays.

As the father, it was my job to be the Christmas tree getter, lighter, and putter-upper, along with some toy putter-togetherer. I was also the tree taker-downer. I was the easter egg hider and the take-the-kids around neighborhooder with Halloween.

All things I miss.

My position now is that I am content for the kids to have all holidays in their home with their mom. It's not like I can provide a good out-of-home holiday experience for them right now anyway - cook big holiday dinners and provide that holiday experience.

So my idea is to be the "charity parent" associated with holidays. I am trying to get them involved in some kind of charitable function around the holidays. 

Easier said than done. . .the toddler really commands so much attention that any charitable endeavors I would get involved in kinda get put on the backburner.

My middle son, when we first separated told me casually one day, "Dad - you are like an uncle now." That did kind of sting and he meant it innocently - he was just trying to sort out his changing world but there is an element of truth in what he said and what I replied, "No, I am not your uncle. I'll always be your dad."


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> In a book I read, "Divorce and New Beginnings", it spoke of this. . .how grief takes on many forms. . .especially anger covering up the grief.
> 
> I think it's healthy you are grieving it. I still do too. I very much miss a lot of things about the loss of my family. I miss camping down the basement with the kids on a hot summer night, the runs to Old Country Buffet together when we were too busy to cook, and the holiday celebrations of course.
> 
> ...


Thanks, Scannerguard. Im actually reading that book right now, and it's a great one. 

I absolutely love your idea of the charitable holidays while they are with you. I actually planned on doing something similar with my daughter this last Christmas but basically didn't even get to celebrate much at all since I moved out on December 18th. (Thanks to stbx's pushing me out the door, basically) I don't recommend moving out a week before Christmas to anyone, by the way - I should have told him to wait a couple of weeks and just deal with it!

Im thinking that we will start our own little tradition this year. Luckily, all of our extended family lives in town - my parents, her grandparents, aunts, uncles, the whole lot of em! We still celebrate with them, but I'd like to start this tradition anyway. 

Thanks for your reply - what you said about having to grieve it in order to move forward is dead on.


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

finallyseewhy said:


> This is something that is the hardest for me. I am not looking forward to the holidays and even the idea of them makes me want to cry. I would like to say I am holding out on the idea of us being a family again but oh course I can't predict the future.
> 
> I can remember right before he left thinking about asking him if we could still do holidays as a family. I didn't because he was being so mean I was scared of what he would say.
> 
> I also miss silly little things like going out to eat, drive in movies, and mostly just being together.


I hear ya. I miss each of those things, too. 

I actually asked my stbx if we could just spend last Christmas together (I moved out a week before) and he was not big on the idea at all. It would have been tough, but if we could have muddled through, I think one last one for the kids would have been nice.

I kick myself for leaving when the grief hits hard and I'm focused on the loss of our family. I guess the "I should have stayed, I made a mistake" feelings were bound to pop up at some point. I'm really confused. I don't know if it's true regret since hindsight is 20/20, or just a common part of the thought process involved in this stage. Either way, I don't like it. Feeling responsible for the breakup of our family and is painful enough, but that little seed of doubt that I may not have done the right thing is killing me. 

Time to get busy and shelf it for now, I guess. I don't want to wallow, lol.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend.


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