# Husband doesn't feel spark, so we have separated. Can we get through this?



## sophiedaphne (Jun 2, 2012)

Hi everyone.
I am 24 years old and my husband and I have been married for two years. We've been together for a total of four years. He is from Australia, and we admittedly got married earlier than we would have liked so that he could stay permanently. He did NOT marry me to gain US citizenship.

We have had, in my opinion, a relatively good relationship. I do realize that I am an over-emotional person at times and he is very stoic and non-emotional, which is where the issues sometimes lie. I also think that neither of us are particularly good communicators. He doesn't know how to express himself verbally, and I just cry and get confused and it never works out well. In any event, we have gone through some tough times, we both have jobs we hate, he misses his family and his home greatly, and I think he is depressed, in general.

About a two months ago, he admitted that he felt like our relationship had diminished. We barely had any physical contact, we didn't really talk about anything other than superficially, we didn't do anything together. We just came home, chatted, played on our computers, and went to sleep. He felt the spark was gone. I tried talking to him about it, told him that it was normal, sparks fade, new feelings arise. I felt a bit bored, but I felt comfortable having him around and I love him deeply and care about him more than anyone. We had a few days of no contact, and he decided that it was worth fighting for. We were honest with each other, our sex life was great, we were talking, doing things together. He seemed a little down, but overall, things were picking up.

We had a minor argument last week, during which I was upset because he was paying little attention to me. He blurted out that she still didn't feel the spark, and didn't think he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He cares about me more than anything and loves me more than anything, but doesn't know if that's enough.

I know I have made mistakes. I know I could have been more emotionally supportive. I know that I could have expressed my appreciation more. I should have told him how much he means to me. I took him for granted. I know that. He did so much for me. And I have learned that men express their feelings by DOING rather than by the way girls think it's right to express their feelings. He was truly a provider, and I think I emotionally wore him down. He wasn't always emotionally there for me, and that is difficult to deal with, but I think he did his best, and I feel like I was too needy. I expected him to always know what I was thinking. I expected him to be at my beck and call, and got upset when he didn't immediately respond to me. I was emotionally draining. He was, too. I wanted him to do more. I wanted him to do things with me. He wanted to sit at home and play on his computer all night. He didn't like "activities" but I just wish he would try new things with me. He used to like doing that stuff with me. I wish it wasn't too late.

We were going to move to Australia in December. We were working on getting my visa. I was going to go to school. We were going to be closer to friends and family. The stresses of life and work here were going to alleviated for the most part and he wouldn't be homesick anymore. I was thrilled and was doing it not just for him, but for me. I wanted to go back to school. I wanted to be near his extremely supportive and kind family. I wanted to live in that country. And now, even though we have gone through this process, he doesn't think it's a good idea. He doesn't want to "lead me on" or cause me to do something that will make me across the world. I am devastated. I feel like I have lost my world and my future.

He wants time and space to think. I am going to visit with my parents in Arizona for a week. I know that that's probably not enough time for him to make a decision, but maybe he'll see that I am willing to do what needs to be done. I am willing to fight to make this work, and he knows that. I just wish he felt that way, too. I am so emotional right now and I have been crying non-stop. I feel lost and dead and empty. His family feel that he will change his mind, but he refuses to talk to his mother or his sister, and I think he just needs another perspective. A lot of people go through this. Relationships lose their spark, but we still feel for each other.

I have been reading Michele Weiner Davis's book, and it has made me feel a little better and optimistic. I had drafted a huge letter with all of my regrets, but decided not to send it. We have had limited contact since Monday and we've only spoken briefly. I want to give him space, because I know I haven't in the past, and I would like to try something different since what I did in the past didn't work. I didn't send that letter. I mistakenly asked him if we could talk yesterday, and he said I could email him. I didn't. He texted me to ask me where at the train station I had left the car so that he could pick it up. Today, I made sure not to reach out to him at all. I am going to enjoy my week away. But ultimately, I know that we can get through this. I've identified where we went wrong. I've written goals that I want to work on with him.

I am seeing a marriage counselor in two weeks, when I get back. I asked him if he'd come with me. First he said no. Then he said maybe. Now he said he's "leaning towards it." He told me he will contact me when he is ready to. I have tended to not have much faith in him in the past. This is something else that has been a source of resentment, which I think is a major problem within our relationship. We resent each other because of our emotional negligence towards each other. I am going to have faith in him this time. I'm not going to pressure or coerce him. I am concerned because I know his family is reaching out to him, too, and I think they are pressuring him. They want him to work it out with me, too. But it needs to be his own decision.

I am finding it hard to utilize Michele's book, since most of it assumes that you're close to the person from whom you've separated. We also don't have much time. He is moving back to Australia in December. It's not much time for us to get things worked out, should we go down that path. I think it's worth it, but realize with the time constraint that it's going to be even more difficult than usual, and that is also why I feel like my situation is a little different.

I would love some insight, if that's possible. Thanks so much.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Insight?

My best guess is that the simple answer is usually the most likely. Have you snooped to see who the other woman is?

If he "cares and loves you more than anything" he would not leave, men typically don't disturb things unless they really have to. I suppose another reason could be he has realized he is depressed and needs a major change and he associates you with his depression and thinks he needs time and space to shake you apart from the depression.

But I would emphasize ruling out the first possibility before simply rewarding him with time and space or he will be using it to seal the fate on the marriage rather then actually working through his issues.

Sorry to be so grim, but atleast if its him straying there is a chance to salvage the marriage... if not then you just have to let him go.


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## sophiedaphne (Jun 2, 2012)

He is very much an introvert and spends all of his time at home, so I do not believe, even in the slightest, that he is cheating. 

I believe that he is really unsure about what will happen if he brings me to another country, and I think he feels bad about what would happen if he took me across the world and then didn't feel confident about our relationship.

I'm more than halfway through a marriage-busting book, and in actuality, a lot of men ask for space even when women believe their marriage is going well, so I don't necessarily agree with what you're saying.

I also don't believe NOT allowing him to have time/space is the best idea. He has asked for space before and I did not "reward" him by giving it to him. Obviously, that didn't work! I think both of us having time and space to think about things can only help... even if it helps us both realize things AREN'T working.


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