# 40's dead sex life



## Lovebeingmarried (Sep 16, 2013)

I am so frustrated and it is about sex, as usual. We are in our mid-40's and well, I really don't ever have the urge for sex anymore. I am not interested in a doc to pill me up, inject me up, etc. it is not about my looks, my health, my self-image. I love my life, all 99% of it except the demand on me for sex. I can lay like a log and take it but really despise having to so that. In fact, it brings me to miserable tears. 

My poor husband tries so hard. He cooks, leans, works, makes a nice paycheck, (and i work, too). But making out no longer excites me. I don't dream of other men. (Or women at all so on't go there). His kisses are wonderful, but don't drive me to want sex. I don't have any fantasies...i am quite repulsed by them. 

My husband has been reading some kind of sex book for men, MMSA or omethingbto that tune, and i feel like a frickin science project. I want nithing to do with passing the books experiments or type-A man. But my husband will not listen. Sure, type-A has sexybpoints but honestly, I chose HIM because he WASN't type A. 

But he won't listen. He constantly says we are not best friends and that I am his wife which is a higher category. But all I feel out of that title is duty. My duty is to have sex when hevwants it or I can hit the road. Um, I am college educated and the road is a LOT more appealing than owing a man sex because of marriage.

I never thought he would fall into cave man role and want to drag me around by the hair. This type of man DISGUSTS me and it is who he has become after his mid-life crisis. 

I am sooo tired of the pressure. I can't force sexual interest. I appear to have moved on past the need but feel so punished now. He is more open and passionate and kissy and touchy than ever before. Great...maybe 15 years ago. 

I am not sure what to do. I take it when I see he really is annoyed, but naked is not a fire moment anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love him like crazy still. But sex has never been a top need. It was always a chemical release and i used to be wild crazy nympho 15-20 yrs ago. The chemicals just are not there anymore.

I have reached the point of just wanting to travel, and see the world and work on the yard and fix the house. I don't even have the strong bonding chemistry with our kids that I used to feel. Kind of like i got cushy with the kids being teens and detaching and well, doing what i could not or so many years.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So if sex is so unimportant, why not just give him permission to go get his rocks off outside the marriage?

C


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

For most people, it's not really a marriage if there's not sex, unless you are BOTH in agreement. You are both unhappy over this issue, and it's not going to get better - it is ruining your marriage, and may soon end it. So, perhaps you need to get over your aversion to hormone therapy IF that's the cause for your lack of libido, otherwise set him free to find happiness. He's certainly trying everything he can think of to fix this, and you're doing nothing but resist.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Soooooooooo.... what's the problem? You didn't really have a question. Just that he wants sex.... and you don't. 

I agree that that cannot be a marriage, unless both parties don't agree.... and in this case they don't. 

So, call it done.


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

He obviously wants all the good things a marriage is supposed to be, is putting in effort to try and get you interested, and all he's getting from you in the sex department is disdain and the occasional pity lay. 
Do the poor man a favor and cut him loose. Seriously.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Honey, is that you? But seriously, what do you expect him to do? Put his needs on hold until you or him finally kick the bucket?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> For most people, it's not really a marriage if there's not sex, unless you are BOTH in agreement. You are both unhappy over this issue, and it's not going to get better - it is ruining your marriage, and may soon end it. So, perhaps you need to get over your aversion to hormone therapy IF that's the cause for your lack of libido, otherwise set him free to find happiness. He's certainly trying everything he can think of to fix this, and you're doing nothing but resist.


OP
It'll go one step further than M but H -- how can there be love (you said you love him like crazy) if you do not want him sexually? If my wife told me she "loves me" but please don't ask me for any more sex I would call bullish*t in a nanosecond. I'd thank her for being honest with me...maybe........that she no longer loves me like a husband. 

So I think this is an issue you really should try to tackle, solve it. Unless your husband has a very low drive or is satisfied with masturbation for the rest of his life I think you may be traveling alone.......


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Right. I don't want to live with a best friend... unless I can screw their brains out OFTEN.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Lovebeingmarried said:


> i used to be wild crazy nympho 15-20 yrs ago. The chemicals just are not there anymore.
> 
> I have reached the point of just wanting to travel, and see the world and work on the yard and fix the house. I don't even have the strong bonding chemistry with our kids that I used to feel. Kind of like i got cushy with the kids being teens and detaching and well, doing what i could not or so many years.


Lovebeingmarried, has it always been about what you want and nothing more? No compromise? Surely there's been more compromise over the years than you make it sound like.

So you used to have sex because you were a nympho and now you don't want to because you're not a nympho anymore. Now you want to travel, see the world, and work on the yard and fix the house. Maybe he still likes sex. Could be that relationships are two way streets. If he's read MMSL then it's not a science project. It's the last resort.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

If you want to have sex with your spouse, you are a caveman or a cavewoman. If you have no interest in sex but want to pursue hobbies and travel, you are enlightened and have a deeper love...

Is that the gist of this thread???


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Lovebeingmarried, has it always been about what you want and nothing more? No compromise? Surely there's been more compromise over the years than you make it sound like.
> 
> So you used to have sex because you were a nympho and now you don't want to because you're not a nympho anymore. Now you want to travel, see the world, and work on the yard and fix the house. Maybe he still likes sex. Could be that relationships are two way streets. *If he's read MMSL then it's not a science project. It's the last resort.*


I'm not a huge fan of that book TBH, but I agree that he's at his wits end. OP, if you can't learn to compromise over sex and figure out how to feel some passion for your husband based on your love for him, he's going to leave you. I know I would leave you if your goal was to introduce me to the monastic life. 

Seriously, you need to take a step back and understand the damage you are doing to your marriage. Ironically, you would probably be extremely pi$$ed if your husband cheats on you. That's what I don't get - when people don't care to have sex with their spouse and then turn around and feel wounded to the core if their spouse has an affair. If it's just sex and it no longer has meaning to you, then why begrudge your spouse the opportunity to seek it out with someone else if you no longer wish to be intimate with him/her?

I don't get it.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

You should direct your H to here. Have him start a topic, please.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I understand completely. My first husband was a sex addict....we are talking 8 times a day at times and he could never get enough. It was not be he wanted, it was sex and sex with the man seemed more like a 3 ring circus act. He was a cheat and all I can be is grateful I did not end up staying with him as his sexual demands were too much.

I have now been married to a man for 21 years. What attracted to me is he wasn't all over me for sex like most men. What I learned with time is that he fears intimacy and he can allow a woman only to come so close. If someone asked me what I like about my husband still after 21 years of marriage is that he does not hassle me for sex.

I feel I am an average 50 year old woman with average desires and for me life is not all about sex. I have my interest, I have my career, I do my thing, I care for the home and family but sex is not top of the list.

My husband is very much into his own interests, not much at helping out, doesn't really involve himself with family stuff, I don't receive compliments too often. At times I miss having someone interested in me, wanting to spend time with me to sit and talk and just have a good time but even then my thoughts are racing with thoughts of sex or having an affair. 

I feel it is the difference in male and female hormones and really the length of time that couples stay together that determines these differences. My husband can't be any different and I am nothing new. I think the "in love"stage moves to more a companionship/friendship/ I will be there for you stage.

When men push sex, I feel they push us away.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Lovebeingmarried,

I read this and your other two posts.

You say you truly love your husband, yet it seems like you are 100% focused on your needs and you downplay, or even ridicule your husband's needs.

You don't want sex, and you don't want to change. I got it. There's nothing wrong with that per se. That's entirely your right. But understand that your husband has needs too, *and his needs are at least as equally valid as yours*! Belittling him just because he wants sex is frankly asinine behavior. And it isn't helpful. At all. 

You say you want to: "see the world and work on the yard and fix the house". Well, those last two items aren't exactly a man's dream for the rest of his life! To me, a sexless life isn't even worth living. Your husband probably agrees, at least partially.

We only have one life, and that includes your husband. You can fix this problem so you become that "nympho" again, you can divorce and find an asexual man for you, or you can let your husband find sex elsewhere. I think what you want is the other option, where he remains married to you and faithful to you, but he forgets about sex. That's not fair, nor is it realistic. 

But whatever you decide, how about at least start by you both going to MC or a sex therapist and finding if there is some compromise to this issue that you BOTH can be happy with?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I believe you when you say you love him, but maybe you're just not in love with him anymore. I know when I'm "in love" it makes my feelings and desires for the other person more sexual etc. 

You said you were in your mid 40's, is it possible this might be hormone related? You did say you used to be wild and crazy years ago, do you think its hormones that have helped to change that? Or has something else happened?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Lovebeingmarried said:


> Um, I am college educated and the road is a LOT more appealing than owing a man sex because of marriage.


This says it all. Let him go to find a woman that loves him and wants to be with him sexually. Let him go so that you can do the things that you want without having to "owe" him anything.

Let him go so that you can both be happy.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> When men push sex, I feel they push us away.


When men push sex they push you away? Wow...and what would happen if he got his sex elsewhere?


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Even when married, I think that couples should continue to date each other, keep the spark going. Ask yourself "would he marry me now if we were not married?" If the answer is no, then figure out what is wrong and fix it, together. Would he have married you if you didn't want to have sex with him. Probably not. You need to find out why you don't want to share the bond of intimacy with your H. something has changed within you or within your relationship with him to make it so horrible. Your vows probably said to have and to hold AND forsake all others, not OR forsake all others which is what you will end up with...


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> I understand completely. My first husband was a sex addict....we are talking 8 times a day at times and he could never get enough. It was not be he wanted, it was sex and sex with the man seemed more like a 3 ring circus act. He was a cheat and all I can be is grateful I did not end up staying with him as his sexual demands were too much.
> 
> I have now been married to a man for 21 years. What attracted to me is he wasn't all over me for sex like most men. What I learned with time is that he fears intimacy and he can allow a woman only to come so close. If someone asked me what I like about my husband still after 21 years of marriage is that he does not hassle me for sex.
> 
> ...



AVR:
just want to clarify. in bold is a statement that seems to contradict the rest of your post. are you saying that _your_
thoughts turn to sex or (of you) having an affair?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You are abusive. Let him go so he can find someone who does desire him and wants to be a wife to him.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I just have one question. Did he use to cut you down or make you feel undesirable. I'm going through that with my husband. I don't feel the need for sex ever but I know some of that is hormones but if he hadn't of said some of the things he did or at least apologize I would go all out for him. He has also cheated and doesn't see telling me he loves me as important and that has hurt things too.


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## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

I cannot imagine this OP coming back.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Just sayin'..... doing yard work makes me want to do my H out in the yard. And traveling? Gosh, look at all the places where we haven't had sex yet! Those things don't discount having sex.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

aston said:


> When men push sex they push you away? Wow...and what would happen if he got his sex elsewhere?


I'd be gone!!!!!! Like I mentioned my first husband wanted sex all the time and 8 times a day was not enough for him. I made alot of sacrifices to please him and he still cheated. It is not about the feelings or commitment for the person for many, it is simply hormones and insecurities that drive some. Is there anything wrong with loving a person for who they are without demands for services/sex?

What men do not get is that when a women feels like you want from them is sex and their needs are not getting met outside of the bedroom, we distance ourselves emotionally and when we do this we have no desire to be with our men.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> AVR:
> just want to clarify. in bold is a statement that seems to contradict the rest of your post. are you saying that _your_
> thoughts turn to sex or (of you) having an affair?


Typing error.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

In ancient Athens, sex less than three times a month was grounds for divorce, I believe.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tryingtobebetter said:


> In ancient Athens, sex less than three times a month was grounds for divorce, I believe.


I thought you would say grounds for a beheading
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> Is there anything wrong with loving a person for who they are without demands for services/sex?


It's not about demands. I simply do not have feeling like that (i.e. loving a person) without sex. Why would I ever have the feeling of love with someone I don't have sex with? That doesn't compute at all. Why would I ever have any feeling of love with a person who doesn't care about what makes me happy? I'd have to have pretty low self esteem to love someone that selfish.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> I'd be gone!!!!!! Like I mentioned my first husband wanted sex all the time and 8 times a day was not enough for him. I made alot of sacrifices to please him and he still cheated. It is not about the feelings or commitment for the person for many, it is simply hormones and insecurities that drive some. Is there anything wrong with loving a person for who they are without demands for services/sex?
> 
> What men do not get is that when a women feels like you want from them is sex and their needs are not getting met outside of the bedroom, we distance ourselves emotionally and when we do this we have no desire to be with our men.


So the man wants to physically connect with his partner (in addition to doing everything to ensure they have a happy home and good life) and she unilaterally decides he should be celibate? despite somehow playing the victims role that somehow it's his fault for wanting to bang his wife on the regular. At least he finds her attractive and pays her enough attention. If he doesn't then she starts suspecting him wiht something, if he does it's too much......and thats acceptable? no wonder people cheat!

This isn't about what "men do not get"...that line stopped working last century. If a guy thinks highly of you enough to marry you (not an arranged marriage), provide and ensure you both have a good life and has not sought sex or validation elsewhere then there nothing men don't get. I feel like *with women it's never enough and it's always gonna be something, one thing or the other.*

Easiest solution, if you don't wanna bang him, then let him go bang someone else or betterstill....leave so at least he can be free to go find another woman thats *sexually in tune/synch *with him.

Boy I'm so glad I'm divorced and living on my own terms. No one breathing down my neck and blaming me for her indecisive choices.:lol:


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

treyvion said:


> I thought you would say grounds for a beheading
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I vote present


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Onceconfusedmale said:


> I could totally understand your situation and you have a valid point. As far as the OP is concerned, it sounded like her husband was meeting her needs, and she unilaterally decided that he should start living a celibate life. He just doesn't matter. If he wasn't meeting her needs (she didn't describe it that way) then she should communicate that with him.
> 
> And I have to agree with Soulsearch. I will be very surprised if OP responds.....


THAAANK YOU!:iagree:


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Lovebeingmarried said:


> I am so frustrated and it is about sex, as usual. We are in our mid-40's and well, I really don't ever have the urge for sex anymore. I am not interested in a doc to pill me up, inject me up, etc. it is not about my looks, my health, my self-image. I love my life, all 99% of it except the demand on me for sex. I can lay like a log and take it but really despise having to so that. In fact, it brings me to miserable tears.
> 
> My poor husband tries so hard. He cooks, leans, works, makes a nice paycheck, (and i work, too). But making out no longer excites me. I don't dream of other men. (Or women at all so on't go there). His kisses are wonderful, but don't drive me to want sex. I don't have any fantasies...i am quite repulsed by them.
> 
> ...


wow, just WOW is all that comes to mind. so assuming him having a girlf friend to take care of his needs, maybe if he treated you with some of the same type of concern for your needs then MAYBE you might understand it.

lets see, how about if he emotionall shuts down on you, hardly talks to you and spends all his free time working on hobbies. 

your needs should come last, just like his. great recipe for a marriage.


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## lovelifeandwanttoenjoyit (Sep 14, 2013)

Lovebeingmarried said:


> I am so frustrated and it is about sex, as usual. We are in our mid-40's and well, I really don't ever have the urge for sex anymore. I am not interested in a doc to pill me up, inject me up, etc. it is not about my looks, my health, my self-image. I love my life, all 99% of it except the demand on me for sex. I can lay like a log and take it but really despise having to so that. In fact, it brings me to miserable tears.
> 
> My poor husband tries so hard. He cooks, leans, works, makes a nice paycheck, (and i work, too). But making out no longer excites me. I don't dream of other men. (Or women at all so on't go there). His kisses are wonderful, but don't drive me to want sex. I don't have any fantasies...i am quite repulsed by them.
> 
> ...


In my opinion this is a full blown mid life crisis..... Is not you talking is the hormones..... Please reach out to a doctor to see if you have a hormonal imbalance and if so get it fixed and then make your decision. 

I've read so many stories here in TMA about going trough this type of situations and then regretting the outcome....

Wish you the best!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If someone comes with a problem and honestly describes their situation and feelings, don't dump on them so that they leave. That doesn't help them and it doesn't help their spouse.

If you can find a way to explore the situation, perhaps the OP would have more options.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> If someone comes with a problem and honestly describes their situation and feelings, don't dump on them so that they leave. That doesn't help them and it doesn't help their spouse.
> 
> If you can find a way to explore the situation, perhaps the OP would have more options.


while i agree with you that the goal here should be to help someone that is asking for it, all too many times i see OP's that dont like what they hear. so they ask the question a different way, start a different thread, attack the opinions of the replies, basically do anything to re-direct and get the answer they want to hear.

and thats not much help.


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