# Thinking about and researching divorce...and he doesn't deserve it.



## Jen-ATL (Apr 17, 2015)

Hi! I'm not sure what I'm going to do. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 kids, ages 7 & 3. I love him...like a friend. 

We met when I was 28, and at a point in my life when I was beginning to think I may not get married or have kids. He's kind, quiet, responsible, and a great father. The only problem...we never had that "spark"...at least for me. I remember our first kiss (which took forever for him to get up the nerve to do) and thinking..."OH...well that wasn't earth shattering". I've never enjoyed kissing my husband, which is insane because I had always LOVED kissing. I let it go because I knew he was a good man, and he treated me so well. I always believed that marrying your best friend was better than the romance thing. 

So, here we are...10 years later. 2 great kids. And I'm not happy. I'm lonely. When I think about my future, I think about it without him. I'm happier going up to bed and reading by myself than sitting with him. When we do get a chance to go out, we have nothing to talk about. We've discussed my feelings and he just tells me its just how it is now with kids and jobs, etc. I just think it's more than that. I think the spark has never been there, and I can't force it. I can't ask him to be someone he isn't, and I can't force those feelings inside me. 

I've tried spicing things up in the bedroom. I've talked to him about my desire and how I feel like something is missing. I've talked to my therapist about it. She pointed out that I've been bringing up my lack of attraction to him since at least 2008. 

So, here I am...trying to decide what to do. I almost had an affair recently, having met someone online that was in a similar situation as me. We had so much in common and loved talking to each other. We finally ended it completely when we had decided to meet for lunch but chickened out. Realizing it was going to lead to heartache, since we knew we couldn't really be together. 

Part of me feels liberated thinking about divorce, but then the rest of me feels sad and guilty about thinking about it. He doesn't deserve it. But at what point do I put my own feelings first? Or am I just being stupid in thinking that a relationship can have both friendship and sexual attraction?


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

Jen-ATL said:


> Part of me feels liberated thinking about divorce, but then the rest of me feels sad and guilty about thinking about it. He doesn't deserve it. But at what point do I put my own feelings first? Or am I just being stupid in thinking that a relationship can have both friendship and sexual attraction?


Of course it is possible to have a marriage founded upon both friendship and sexual attraction! But not when one spouse deceives and manipulates the other to achieve her Disney fantasy family in the face of a ticking biological clock.

Don't think your husband doesn't deserve a divorce. In the long run, it would probably be the best gift you could give him. Trust me, because I'm your husband 20 years from now.

Please forgive the vitriolic form of my answer...I just want you to know how your husband is liable to feel about this whole situation if you continue your charade. At the very least, please consider finally being honest with him about your attraction and let him have some input as to the future of your family.

Best of luck to you.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Big Dude said:


> Of course it is possible to have a marriage founded upon both friendship and sexual attraction! But not when one spouse deceives and manipulates the other to achieve her Disney fantasy family in the face of a ticking biological clock.
> 
> Don't think your husband doesn't deserve a divorce. In the long run, it would probably be the best gift you could give him. Trust me, because I'm your husband 20 years from now.
> 
> ...


:iagree: 

Be honest with your husband, and try to be as kind as possible while doing so. 

If you have already gone as far as starting an EA with the idea of taking it physical, it is time for divorce.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Wish i could tell you something anything. Have you ever been attracted to your husband? or is is something that got lost over time?, kids, Jobs, the stress of everyday life?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Have your husband come here after you talk to him. You are more than likely going to crush his world. Or, he may be thinking to himself, " I kinda married a cold fish, she just doesn't have any fire in the bedroom".

He is probably getting up every morning & working his butt off to provide for his family, comes home to play with kids & do his share of upkeep needed in maintaining a household.

You have put him in a bad situation, please be honest with him, give him this site so he can get the support HE needs, and go on to find someone willing to rock his world.

addition - Telling him that you don't find him attractive will be like a knife in the heart, don't make it worse by having a affair, that would be a long knife to the gut, leaving a even worse wound.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What are your husband's feelings for you? Was he in love with you when you two married?

Did you tell him that you loved him at the time? Or did you knowingly lie?

You say that you feel lonely. How many hours a week do the two of you spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He may not "deserve" a divorce, but he does deserve a wife who loves and wants him. You do not, so in the long run he will be better off if he has an opportunity to find someone who is what you cannot be.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

This is tough.

It sounds like there are aspects of your husband that you know is hard to replace...but there is something going on that is making it difficult for you to be content remaining with him.

I agree that something must change before you garner the courage to cheat on him with another emotional affair or work yourself into a physical affair.

Worldly wisdom says to make the tough call and be honest. Obviously, no matter how much a great guy he is, it seems like you have only your sights set on how he is affecting you negatively...and that is a hard perception to shake.

My own values-based wisdom says that you are foolish to discard a man who is stable, loyal, trustworthy, loving, and a good father. Doubtful he is perfect, but as you say...not really deserving to be ditched either. I really like Gary Thomas' books Sacred Marriage...and The Sacred Search...as these are values-based books, de-prioritizing our own selfish aims in marriage, but at the same time...being very careful in not selecting our mate for the wrong reasons.

Jen, my opinion is that you ought to dig deep and look ahead of how much your husband is willing to finish the race with you and would more than likely be at your side during an illness or traumatic event. No, such things do not sate the discontent that you feel...my belief is that is a spiritual or psychological state...and you may very well re-encounter that longing after your infatuation settles from a new relationship as well.

However, if you find yourself committed to the sense that you are unhappy and need to move in...then all I would say is to make sure you "earn that divorce"...meaning take a season to go all out with marriage counseling and internal therapy to confront this...as well as start being more direct with husband that you are in "danger zone" of walking out on him. No, this will not result in a positive response, but it at least clues him in beyond what he may already sense in that you are drifting...or he may be clueless altogether. In any case, be honest with yourself and with your husband...and if you can say that you have done all that you could (not half-arsed) to work on the marriage and you perceptions, then it might be appropriate to take the steps to move on.

Another option is to initiate a trial separation with the intent of working on the marriage in lieu of a possible divorce. This is a good way to communicate to husband that your are struggling in the marriage...yet are willing to take a season of taking space and time to clear your head and intentions...working on yourself...trusting that he is working on himself. There should be a counselor working with you through this with the intention of helping you each to look in the mirror and hammer out the issues with specific goals and timelines. If, however, the separation would be seen by you to test the dating waters and you really don't care if he improves or not...then forget it, just move on. Nothing worse than a separation with the hidden intent of meeting new love interests. The truth will hurt him no matter what, but stretching something long into limbo will make him feel angry and used.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

FormerSelf said:


> This is tough.
> 
> It sounds like there are aspects of your husband that you know is hard to replace...but there is something going on that is making it difficult for you to be content remaining with him.
> 
> ...



I think everything written above is something one should read very closely and take to heart. Also, be aware though, this curiosity is hitting a relationship at a 10 year mark. The marriage may get past it and serve as a warning sign and move through for now. 

It depends on how it goes from this warning sign, because
add another 10, maybe 15 yrs, can the marriage then make it? Where will these two people be if an affair hits either late into the marriage when one may needs them in sickness, or trauma of family members, or with just aging? When trust is needed the most. 

It's really tough because sadly good people do have affairs & sadly it's real bad for all. 

~Sammy


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

OP, you do not deserve to be treated this way. Your husband may be providing for your family. He may be stable. He may be trustworthy. But his shyness is not an excuse to leave you in the dust emotionally.

Like other posters here, I would strongly recommend that you encourage your husband to join TAM and read this thread. You need to be totally open.

Divorce should not come as a surprise to him. He has to decide if he wants to fight for you. If you make it crystal clear to him and he still decides to hide behind his shyness, he does not deserve you and you should have no regrets to walk away.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Based on the original post, I suspect the husband would trade up in the event of a divorce and the wife would end up trading down.

I feel the husband got married under false assumptions. 

If a divorce happens, it would be a classic example of what the blogger Dalrock calls 'frivorce'.

Just my opinion.


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## Rockymts (Mar 26, 2015)

Duguesclin said:


> OP, you do not deserve to be treated this way. Your husband may be providing for your family. He may be stable. He may be trustworthy. But his shyness is not an excuse to leave you in the dust emotionally.
> 
> Like other posters here, I would strongly recommend that you encourage your husband to join TAM and read this thread. You need to be totally open.
> 
> Divorce should not come as a surprise to him. He has to decide if he wants to fight for you. If you make it crystal clear to him and he still decides to hide behind his shyness, he does not deserve you and you should have no regrets to walk away.


I think she knows she made a mistake. she stated she was never attracted to him and she didn't even like kissing him but married him anyways because she was scared she wouldn't find someone.

In my opinion she has to accept the majority of the blame here.

with that said the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence.

be careful what you wish for you just might find it. You just might find a guy that rocks your socks off and then find out he rocks every woman he can socks off.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

I don't care about you. You made your bed. You can lie in it if you want. If you don't want to, then don't.

You took your husbands life away from him. Give it back to him. Leave him. And leave the kids with him if he wants them.

Friggin' wives that mary someone they never loved then are surprised when their life sucks. I have ZERO sympathy. It's your husband we should all mourn. He has no idea what he's in for. Because this divorce WILL happen sooner or later. Do it sooner. For HIM. Let him start over.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Jen-ATL said:


> I love him...like a friend.
> 
> We met when I was 28, and at a point in my life when I was beginning to think I may not get married or have kids.


You got your sperm donor. Now let him go find a life.


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## Big Tree (Jul 25, 2014)

My advice...

1. Admit the EA to your husband. He deserves the truth.
2. Apologize to you husband. He deserves that too.
3. File for divorce. Stop wasting his time.


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## RealityBites2 (Sep 12, 2014)

It's redeemable but it depends on you. This is not a worst case scenario. I would recommend that you talk with him and be willing to do what it takes. Find some common ground and move from there.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Sunganani said:


> It's redeemable but it depends on you. This is not a worst case scenario. I would recommend that you talk with him and be willing to do what it takes. Find some common ground and move from there.


Bad advice. You will just prolong his agony. You will never love him. You have to have loved him once to be able to fall BACK in love.

ANYTHING you do, make sure it is for HIM, not you.


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## Jen-ATL (Apr 17, 2015)

I wanted to thank everyone for the kind words and even the not so kind words. Trust me, I'm well aware that how I'm feeling isn't fair to him. But I will also say that he admitted to becoming complacent and forgetting that marriage takes work. 

The weekend before last, we had a rough weekend. It ended with us having an argument about our sex life...or lack there of. The next day, he came home with flowers and had done research on marriage. 

We sat down and had a LONG conversation. I was open with him about my feelings and that I'm not sure if things can be fixed. We've committed to communicating openly with each other about our feelings and needs. He's committed to not letting me feel lonely again. (Which he proved...many times this weekend). 

So, we're moving forward. I'm not sure what will happen. But I'm confident that whatever ends up happening, we'll have done everything in our power to make it work.


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## Lostinlove2 (May 11, 2015)

Jen, I am in the same situation as you... spark isn't there... kids... over 10 years in. Good man overall, but we don't click. Not sure what to do at this point.

I do believe he would do some much better with someone else. I want it to be with me, but it just isn't working for either of us. He doesn't feel it either, but we are trying... not sure, what will happen, but know you are not alone. Feel free to PM me if you need to chat.


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## AndyJackTeddy (Mar 18, 2015)

Hi Jen
You're in the same position as my wife. 
From the guy's side of things..... we need the truth!


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Sorry, no advise from me. Far too much triggering for me here. Your husband is in for a very rough ride. I feel badly for him. A 10 year marriage, and two children, involved from a deception.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Jen: Sorry that you are here. You must be honest with yourself. If you are not in love nor never had the spark with your husband, it's not going to get any better for you. Be honest with your husband, and go to counseling to understand each other. 

I met my husband when I was 18 and he at 20. We are now 57 and 59. We still have the spark after 35 years of marriage. We have endless things to talk about. We make memories as much as we could. We grew old together.

I believe that you and your husband deserve passion and a better life for the both of you. I'm truly sorry that you are in this predicament.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Jen-ATL said:


> Hi! I'm not sure what I'm going to do. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 kids, ages 7 & 3. I love him...like a friend.
> 
> We met when I was 28, and at a point in my life when I was beginning to think I may not get married or have kids. He's kind, quiet, responsible, and a great father. The only problem...we never had that "spark"...at least for me. I remember our first kiss (which took forever for him to get up the nerve to do) and thinking..."OH...well that wasn't earth shattering". I've never enjoyed kissing my husband, which is insane because I had always LOVED kissing. I let it go because I knew he was a good man, and he treated me so well. I always believed that marrying your best friend was better than the romance thing.
> 
> ...


Jen, you really kind of snowed your H. What did you expect if you did not have the spark from the start? I'm sorry, I do not see any spark forthcoming. Sadly, you are having your H jump through hoops for something that was not there from the start, did not develop over 10 years and will not happen in a weekend. Living the lie continues.


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## MartaB (May 19, 2015)

I am in a similar situation. Only difference is that we were once truly in love. Not sure if that makes the decision easier or harder. My husband has done nothing wrong. On paper we have the ideal life and by all accounts I should be content but, I'm not. Hope you're able to make the best decision for everyone involved.


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