# How do you determine that you are selfish?



## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

How do you know whether it is you who is selfish or your spouse? I feel like I am having really hard time to determine this. For example - we were getting ready for work. He was ready already, trimming his nose hair while I just got out of shower and hurried to get my make up and hair done in order to leave in 30 minutes. 
My husband asked me if I can trim his hair growing outside of his ears. I said I can't because I am running behind. He said OK and I knew he was mad. Needless to say, I felt bad afterwards. Part of me wants to say- hey, he can see at his own ears and do it for himself, but my other part feels guilty and selfish. Same thing when it comes to chores in house. I usually ask if he can empty a dishwasher for me. He, once again, left top shelf full saying he did not see it. When I asked if he can finish it -because we are trying to work as a team- he said no, that I can do it. Am I asking too much of him? I feel as if I was so selfish to want anything from him. 
What do you consider selfish in your own marriage? How do you know if it is you or your partner who is selfish? This is driving me crazy. I don't want to be unfair to him anymore.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I don't know, others may feel differently, but to me the 2 scenarios that you described don't really embody "selfishness" to me. Selfish is more about making decisions that only benefit you and no one else. You don't think about the impact you have on others. Maybe in some abstract ways that could be applied to what you said, but I think those things you mentioned are more dismissive than selfish. Yes, it would have been selfLESS if you had helped him trim whilst you were getting ready. It would have been a kind thing to do. But that is something he can do for himself. I don't know, if I had asked my husband to shave my legs for me and he said no I wouldn't think he was selfish lol. Asking him to empty the dishwasher depends on the division of chores. Do you feel that the work around the house is fairly even between the 2 of you? Or do you find yourself asking your husband to do the majority of the work? That could be in the category of selfish. But asking someone to do something for you that is something that would benefit you both (an empty dishwasher) isn't really selfish, especially when you share the workload in a balanced way. But no, I personally don't think that having him trim his own ears and empty the dishwasher is asking too much of him


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

If I asked my wife to do something for me and she said she didn't have time and then I saw that she was on Facebook or some equally worthless pursuit, that would be selfish of her. 

If it's help that requires just 30 seconds of her time and she won't do it, she better actually be running out the door or I'd call it selfish. 

I've lost count of the number of little helping tasks that I've done when I'm ready to leave for work: shut the upstairs windows because it's going to rain, clean up the hair ball the cat left on the floor, cut off the tag on the dress, move the clothes from washer to dryer, start the dishwasher, etc. 30-60 seconds of my time is nothing. 30-60 seconds of her time is nothing. 

If she requests my help with things and I interrupt what I'm doing to help her, but she doesn't return the favor very often, if at all, she is selfish. 

If she spends money on herself when she knows that there are other priorities, like new brakes for her car, she is selfish. 

It's all about balance. If your husband feels he is getting the short end of the stick, either he should help you less or you should help him more. That way you can be equally helpful or equally selfish.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

HOW you ask is important and often a BIG difference.

Talk to your husband about this, see if he is offended or is your approach off when you ask him for stuff.

But in general, if someone is lazy and don't really want to hear even the "good" approach. 

Regardless, your reply to him this morning was fine. You guys were both in hurry....next time you both should get up earlier?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

No, I do not htink you are selfish. You were hurrying to get ready to leave the house for work. in other case - how can you not see the upper shelf in the dishwasher? It is not like it wasn't there before. and then he refuses to unload it.

And the word you are using - you have to ask him to unload it. It tells me that the division of house chores is the issue there, and he is not that keen on doing his share without you asking him. And then it's you "nagging, yes? I can feel the resentment building already.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

Adeline, I don't ask him to do the majority chores in our house. We both work full time plus I go to college which keeps me busy more than ever. Still, I cook more than he does and do most of the cleaning. I asked him to help me with dishwasher and folding his own clothes. So far, he helps with a dishwasher when asked and folded his clothes 3-4 times in six months. I would like us to work as a team. I always help with things he does and when he is busy, I do his clothes. We fight for many little things in our house and I am tired of it. Most of the time I feel guilty more than anything. When he cooks, I do dishes. I never let him do things without doing something for him in return.

VermisciousKnid, yes, if I was doing nothing and he asked me to do something for him, then I would be selfish for sure. I think he was used to taken care of by his mom. His parents lived in two story house with a bathroom on a top. I still remember his dad stopping on a floor which was a signal for his wife to bring him his underwear or whatever he forgot to get by himself. My husband did that too. Luckily for us, we don't have a second floor house.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

VermisciousKnid said:


> If I asked my wife to do something for me and she said she didn't have time and then I saw that she was on Facebook or some equally worthless pursuit, that would be selfish of her.
> 
> If it's help that requires just 30 seconds of her time and she won't do it, she better actually be running out the door or I'd call it selfish.



It depends on how often it is asked

I get asked to do small 30 second favours all day long. None of them on their own are too much but all of them together is too much. Even if I am just sitting on my butt relaxing, watching netflix, that's MY time. I don't want to spend it doing favours for other people no matter how small they are. 

If I was asked to do them less often it would never be an issue, when I'm asked at least 6 times a day it is an issue and he can start using _his _time more wisely to do them himself instead of expecting me to use my time to do it. I don't think it's selfish to say no.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> No, I do not htink you are selfish. You were hurrying to get ready to leave the house for work. in other case - how can you not see the upper shelf in the dishwasher? It is not like it wasn't there before. and then he refuses to unload it.
> 
> And the word you are using - you have to ask him to unload it. It tells me that the division of house chores is the issue there, and he is not that keen on doing his share without you asking him. And then it's you "nagging, yes? I can feel the resentment building already.


There is lots of resentment already. My husband hates when I say I want us to work as a team. We were not one for most of our 12 year marriage. I feel that the division is unfair, he thinks I am unfair because I am female and I supposed to do those "female" chores. I am always trying to explain myself to him and then sound like a little nagging machine. I feel like Jennifer Aniston in the movie Break up - "I want you to want..." I don't want to ask him to help me all the time. If he knows how much that dishwasher or folding his clothes helps to me, why can't he just do it on his own?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> Adeline, I don't ask him to do the majority chores in our house. We both work full time plus I go to college which keeps me busy more than ever. Still, I cook more than he does and do most of the cleaning. I asked him to help me with dishwasher and folding his own clothes. So far, he helps with a dishwasher when asked and folded his clothes 3-4 times in six months. I would like us to work as a team. I always help with things he does and when he is busy, I do his clothes. We fight for many little things in our house and I am tired of it. Most of the time I feel guilty more than anything. When he cooks, I do dishes. I never let him do things without doing something for him in return.


If you work + college than HE should be doing around 60-75% of the household responsibilities.....NOT YOU

Problem is, you enabled him to do this by doing this stuff yourself.

DO NOT enabler any longer and sit down with him and communicate/agree on who does what etc.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> There is lots of resentment already. My husband hates when I say I want us to work as a team. We were not one for most of our 12 year marriage. I feel that the division is unfair, h*e thinks I am unfair because I am female and I supposed to do those "female" chores*. I am always trying to explain myself to him and then sound like a little nagging machine. I feel like Jennifer Aniston in the movie Break up - "I want you to want..." I don't want to ask him to help me all the time. If he knows how much that dishwasher or folding his clothes helps to me, why can't he just do it on his own?


That sounds like a really ****ty husband.

There is no such a thing as female or male tasks. Both of you do what you can within the time that you have.

He has more time as you go to college so HE should be doing more tasks......


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i don't think it about selfishness more its about poor time management


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> There is lots of resentment already. My husband hates when I say I want us to work as a team. We were not one for most of our 12 year marriage. I feel that the division is unfair, he thinks I am unfair because I am female and I supposed to do those "female" chores. I am always trying to explain myself to him and then sound like a little nagging machine. I feel like Jennifer Aniston in the movie Break up - "I want you to want..." I don't want to ask him to help me all the time. If he knows how much that dishwasher or folding his clothes helps to me, why can't he just do it on his own?


he is not being fair to you. You know what friend of mine once did? she was folding laundry while her husband was watching tv, they had two small children. He asked him to help her, mostly to take his shirts and put them on hangers. he just sat there starting at tv, not reacting. She stopped washing his clothes. It lasted several weeks before they figured out an agreement.

You accepted that deal and now he got used to it. It is up to you to change it.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> It depends on how often it is asked
> 
> I get asked to do small 30 second favours all day long. None of them on their own are too much but all of them together is too much. Even if I am just sitting on my butt relaxing, watching netflix, that's MY time. I don't want to spend it doing favours for other people no matter how small they are.
> 
> If I was asked to do them less often it would never be an issue, when I'm asked at least 6 times a day it is an issue and he can start using _his _time more wisely to do them himself instead of expecting me to use my time to do it. I don't think it's selfish to say no.


I don't subscribe to the notion of female tasks and male tasks. I do subscribe to the notion of pulling equal weight. That means that if my day typically has two hours of 'me' time because I have obligations and chores and my spouse has six hours of 'me' time because of fewer obligations and chores then something is wrong. 

I'm not sure if I call taking classes after work 'me' time or not. It benefits only one spouse directly. It imposes a burden on the other spouse if he/she is supposed to pick up the slack around the house. On the other hand it could be a big benefit to the family IF they stay married. 

The small favors thing is a question of balance too. If they are frequently requested but never reciprocated, then it's okay to say no.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Ok, I ain't never trimming my man's nose or ear hair. Gross, people! And that's not selfish, it's self preservation!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It's not selfish to put getting to work on time ahead of trimming his ear hair. Maybe you could've offered to do it that night to soften the blow. As for the rest, your husband is sexist if he expects you to do all the cleaning just because you are female. How you get around that I've no idea.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Revamped said:


> Ok, I ain't never trimming my man's nose or ear hair. Gross, people! And that's not selfish, it's self preservation!


I think it's gross too, but I was working under the assumption that she was objecting to the imposition on her time, not the nature of the task itself. If she has trimmed it for him at other times, he could assume that she didn't mind doing it.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> How do you know whether it is you who is selfish or your spouse?


You're fine. Your spouse is a d!ck.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

He has no clue the amount of effort a woman has to undertake to get pretty for him to head out.

Ear hair? GMAB. 

You are not selfish. Neither is he. He has no appreciation of the day to day things you do for him and the marriage.

He needs to be more considerate of you in these cases. He needs to have better judgement.

And you, a few seconds to help? That is not a biggie either.

Small advice: you and him should get off your collective azzes and go get ready 10 minutes earlier than you usually do.

So.... Why are you actually here.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DoF said:


> *If you work + college than HE should be doing around 60-75% of the household responsibilities.....NOT YOU*


 As someone who doesn't work but a small amount of side jobs which is 0 sweat off my back.. I agree with this statement.. I think your husband has less on his plate , unless he is very busy doing himself after work / working on vehicles/ carpenter projects, etc. and he feels swamped too... But your marital plate is awfully overloaded [email protected] 

I think people take on TOO MUCH in many modern relationships and it causes a tremendous amount of stress, then feelings get hurt, both feel their load is too heavy...and the comparing begins.... it's not really anyone's fault, it's just that you are both frustrated because there is just too much TO DO in a day.. then you get up and have to do it all over again.

The best thing for families to do when each is feeling overwhelmed like this .. is find a way to MANAGE your time & duties to something you both can live with.. 

Sit down and write up your duties, responsibilities, consider HOW MUCH TIME each has for these things.... each discussing who should do what.. and give this a go... so one isn't feeling hurt afterwards that they aren't doing enough.. sounds so "pre-planned" I know.. but if it's a continuing *contention.*. ... it needs discussed...and ironed out... so you can go forth together and both be *a help* to each other..


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you are walking across the desert with your spouse and there are two canteens between the two of you, your partner drinks one and showers with the other, that's selfishness.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

elizabethb said:


> Adeline, I don't ask him to do the majority chores in our house. We both work full time plus I go to college which keeps me busy more than ever. Still, I cook more than he does and do most of the cleaning. I asked him to help me with dishwasher and folding his own clothes. So far, he helps with a dishwasher when asked and folded his clothes 3-4 times in six months. I would like us to work as a team. I always help with things he does and when he is busy, I do his clothes. We fight for many little things in our house and I am tired of it. Most of the time I feel guilty more than anything. When he cooks, I do dishes. I never let him do things without doing something for him in return.
> 
> VermisciousKnid, yes, if I was doing nothing and he asked me to do something for him, then I would be selfish for sure. I think he was used to taken care of by his mom. His parents lived in two story house with a bathroom on a top. I still remember his dad stopping on a floor which was a signal for his wife to bring him his underwear or whatever he forgot to get by himself. My husband did that too. Luckily for us, we don't have a second floor house.


Somebody is selfish and entitled and it isn't you.

Work on that "feeling guilty". As long as you beat yourself up with guilt just for standing up for yourself and maintaining boundaries, you can manipulated and taken for granted. Guilt: do women really have more to feel guilty about than men? - Telegraph


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

"Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. (This is my second mention of the book today, I'm on a roll!)

It's perfectly OK to have Boundaries and enforce them. You being late to work and not trimming ear hair = perfectly ok and you should NOT feel guilty about it. Asking him to go back and finish the dishes is perfectly ok and you should NOT feel guilty about it.

I am a people pleaser too, and I sometimes battle with this "am I, is he" battle. I know he can be. And I know I can be. When it comes down to it, we BOTH can be selfish.

Just the other day, my feet were killing me because I had spent the majority of my off day taking care of a sick kid, and deep cleaning the kitchen (including mopping the floor and scrubbing baseboards.) I have plantar faciitis from running, and asked him if he would rub my foot for a minute while we were both in bed watching TV. You would think I was asking him to gut a deer and cook it up. He whined that he didn't want to, but I pouted and he grabbed it up and rubbed for about 10 seconds, then started tickling me and thought that was hilarious (while I wanted to choke him, lol!) I was seriously irritated because whenever he asks me to scratch his back (which is often,) I do so. I think that was maybe the 3rd time in 3 years I have asked him to rub my feet. Who was the selfish one there? I struggle too because I don't know if my asking him to do something I know he really doesn't want to do is selfish, or if the act of him half_arsing it and then pestering me was selfish.

Next time he asks me to scratch his back, however, he will get about 10 seconds, a slap on the hinney, and a reminder of the foot rub.


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