# Insensitive....



## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

Heya...A little background info: I've been sickly all my life, but before we were married, hubby and I talked, and I fully told him everything about me, and he accepted it. NOW he's biting about my health! (I've had a chest cold for the past 2+ weeks)


Today, I was a little on edge/"Biting". (But that's according to me... My version of *****y is just another day to the normal person). It wasn't anything major. But I was frustrated and in tears. Yesterday, I had a great day, thought my cold was almost better, but I relapsed somehow today, and it was just gnawing at me. I felt so sick and weak, it felt like I shouldn't have even been STANDING!!
Anyways, at suppertime, I had mentioned how I was feeling. Not *****ing or whining, JUST mentioning it. He kind of half-ackowledged it, so I asked: "Did you hear me?" And he BIT at me for asking him that. I told him: "NO! Don't you bite at me for asking if you heard me. I have to ask you, because sometimes you don't listen". That's when the fight started, and he went on an on about HIS work, HIS bills, HIS money, HIS troubles...("So don't you dare talk to me " kind of attitude. So now this is about him, not how I'm feeling). 
I told him: "Enough"! He kept going. I told him again: "ENOUGH!"
He just doesn't stop. He keeps going on all about HIM, making me feel all the worse. So I was too upset to finish supper (I really needed that food, I hadn't eaten lunch, and my blood sugar drops till I feel weak and shakey). I went upstairs to bed, and was crying. He came upstairs and started picking on my for lying down.
We ended up saying all kinds of "truths" according to us. I told him he talks SO MUCH about him and his troubles, I don't feel like our daughter and I mean anything to him. He still didn't stop, so I started packing to leave him. He grabbed me and hugged me, and we talked some, but it isn't right. You DON'T yell and pick fights with someone who is sick!!! I have a myriad of health problems to deal with, and I CAN'T be around someone who is oblivious or insensitive to someone else's suffering.

This has been an on-going thing. If it's not my health, it's something else he bites at me for...One time it was the housekeeping, another it's me talking/making friends with the neighbors... another time it'd be about something else trivial.
He just BITES! He picks fights and bites, and I'm getting WORN DOWN!!!!!! He's NEVER happy, never upbeat. It's always doom and gloom all day, everyday till there's an explosion, and I'm always the target 

I know he has his troubles, and I try to be sensitive to them, but I'm tired of walking on eggshells, making sure I say the "right words", and cook the correct meals he'll like, and do all the "right actions". I'm worn out


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

freeshias4me said:


> He kind of half-ackowledged it, so I asked: "Did you hear me?" And he BIT at me for asking him that. I told him: "NO! Don't you bite at me for asking if you heard me. I have to ask you, because sometimes you don't listen". That's when the fight started, and he went on an on about HIS work, HIS bills, HIS money, HIS troubles...("So don't you dare talk to me " kind of attitude. So now this is about him, not how I'm feeling).


I dont think he started this fight. I think you did. You picked at him. He clearly did not want to talk about it.

If you have needs that arent being met there are ways to get them met, or at least try, but you also have to respect the other persons boundaries. he clearly did not want to talk about how you were feeling. there's nothing wrong with that. and as you can see trying to force him to talk about it does not work.

i would recommend you read either Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil or Boundaries in Marriage by cloud and townsend. the later is the one my H and i do. i read dr. phil's on my own at first. i was furious when i first read it because i thought it was absurd that i was the one that needed to change. but it turned out to be true and the one thing that's saved my sanity.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

Yes, Blanca, he said I was the one who started the fight.
But the problem is, he NEVER wants to talk about anything to do with me, or our daughter. Whatever I say, trivial or important...he just nods, if any response at all. There is no way in my mind that ONE PARTNER should do all the work in the relationship. If he is unwilling to communicate about anything, it should not be just up to me to go hunt down a book, read it, and encorporate it into our lives, for someone who has shown no willingness.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

One thing I have learned from this site is that sometimes it IS up to one person in the relationship to take the initiative, take the first step, to fix whatever is broken. Even if you feel it's not your fault, even if you feel that you can't fix it all by yourself, sometimes you have to be the one to start. If you want the relationship to work, if you want it to last, then you can't think of it in terms of "I'm doing all the work, he's doing nothing." You have to think of it in terms of "I want this to last, so I'm going to take some steps to make that happen." Then you start working toward that goal of making it better, and hopefully he ends up doing his part to help get things back on track. If he doesn't, then you re-evaluate and decide what to do. 

I have to agree with Blanca, too, that you did start the fight. I can understand asking him if he heard you, but when he "bit" at you in response, your reaction to that started the fight. You could have simply said, "Ok, I wasn't sure if you did. I'm sorry." and changed the subject or at least dropped it. Him being nicer and talking to you about your health might have been the nice thing for him to do, but it wouldn't make you feel better. Fighting with him over it made you feel worse. Letting the topic drop would have avoided a fight, and left you exactly where you originally were healthwise. 

I don't know if there are any books for it, but it might be time to learn how to pick your battles. Some things are worth fighting over, some aren't. This one fell under the "aren't" category.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Are you doing anything to work on your health issues? It sounds as though this may be getting to be a touchy subject with him.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I have some pretty serious health issues as well. My SO knew this going in. I've only gotten worse, and will continue to do so. He knew this as well.
That being said...I make SURE that I don't yap and yap and yap about my health issues. It's only too easy when you're feeling crappy and serious health issues can eat up a good part of your overall life. Your mind can sometimes be focused too much on what's wrong with you. 
It's a cold..you feel crappy...everyone gets colds. Understanding (since I don't know what your health issues are) that sometimes a cold becomes more than just a cold...you still have to make a concerted effort to NOT focus on your health issues. 
I know my SO feels helpless when he sees me suffering, or he knows that I'm having a particularly rough day, etc. But there's nothing he can do, except to offer me sympathy. I don't WANT him constantly offering me sympathy. These are MY issues, and I want them to impact him as less as possible. 
Now..there are times when I'm bedridden...and he steps up to help me do whatever I need him to...but when those times pass, and I'm back on my feet and "just" dealing with the day to day business of being me, I keep my mouth shut. I know he doesn't want to work 14(at least) hours and come home to me whining. He can tell by looking at me what kind of day it is anyway, and will ask if there's anything he can do, and if I tell him "thank you my darling, but I've got it handled" then he just lets it lie. I don't define myself as a "sick" person. I'm way more than being sick, and I try to live my life that way. Sickness gets in the way of that sometimes, but I ride the storm out until it gets better. 
I know you said you just mentioned it, weren't whining about it or anything, and made a comment about it in passing pretty much. You felt ignored. Maybe your underlying issue is that you don't feel that he CARES about the issues you deal with? And depending on what the issue is, it can absolutely wear down the healthy partner. Especially if they have to take on more of the household duties than one normally would. It is hard sometimes for a healthy person to be with a chronically ill one.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> One thing I have learned from this site is that sometimes it IS up to one person in the relationship to take the initiative, take the first step, to fix whatever is broken. Even if you feel it's not your fault, even if you feel that you can't fix it all by yourself, sometimes you have to be the one to start. If you want the relationship to work, if you want it to last, then you can't think of it in terms of "I'm doing all the work, he's doing nothing." You have to think of it in terms of "I want this to last, so I'm going to take some steps to make that happen." Then you start working toward that goal of making it better, and hopefully he ends up doing his part to help get things back on track. If he doesn't, then you re-evaluate and decide what to do.


This is so true. 
At first when I identified the problems in my marriage, from expectations, to communication, to availibilty and time management to intimacy, I was the one who lit a fire under my a$s (so to speak) and started making sweeping changes. I went to therapy, I bought books, I started reading and posting here.
I changed a lot about how I spoke to him and even more changes about my personal appearance. Just to please him! It seemed all the responsibilities of making this marriage work fell on me. I'll admit, I slightly resented him at first.

But ya know what happened? I led by example. I also made no secret that the changes I was making were for US! I was very vocal about my plans, if I felt myself slipping up on some of our communication issues I would acknowledge them and appologize. ( even if it wasn't that big of a slip up)!

I told him that I wanted things to get better for us, and subsequently he started to make more of an effort- w/o even being asked or guilt tripped into doing these things. He realized how hard I was working on myself for US, that he wanted to return the favor.

My suggestion-
Identify what the problems are. You can't just point a finger at your spouse - that is too easy. Every flaw you find in him, you must realize that you play some part in it too, you have to shoulder at least 50% of the burden- sometimes more just to get the ball rolling.
Figure out what changes YOU can make to help resolve the issues and start making them. Tell him what you are doing w/o asking for anything in return. Don't brag, just make a statement. He will get the hint, start doing some introspection and making changes of his own w/o you on his case about it.
The key is to make him think it was all his idea to begin w/, that way he won't resent you for nagging him and you will get what you want from him in the end.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I have seen this advice here SO many times, and I'm doing my best to get the ball rolling, I'm taking initiative in my own marriage too.

I can understand your frustration at your hisbabd's apparent insensitivity, and i'd feel the same way. In fact, just last night I got frustrated with my DH because he also "didn't seem to care" as I was telling him my concerns about something health-related. 
Like you, I felt he was being insensitive---and maybe he was. 
But I handled it waaay differently than I mightve in the past, and things went unbelievably better than they wouldve if I had kept trying to get the response I wanted from him.
I wanted sensitivity and empathy in THAT moment...he couldn't give it. So I stopped and thought about what HE needed in that moment (for me to stop asking him for something), I got up, went for a drive to put gas in the car, and came home. When I got home we were both in a better frame of mind, and I said the exact thing I'd said earlier, and this time he responded more lovingly.
Don't get me wrong---I was mad and I felt he was being insensitive and uncaring. 
But I have no doubt that in that moment I did the right thing. 

I'm taking the advice of others here who have been the first to make changes, and I'm praying my husband follows my lead.
For the time being, I have to swallow my pride and put his needs first, but I have faith that if I do so with the purest intentions to improve our marriage, then it will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Credam!

I am so happy to hear that.

I forgot to add one more phrase that can really help.

"I need a few quiet moments before I respond"

This can take the form of a walk around the block, getting gas in the car, running an errand - or just going to another room.

Way to keep your eye on the ball!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Guess I'm guilty of this, too. My wife has perpetual medical, emotional, and psych issues, too. I am concerned about her and I would walk through fire to bring her relief but when I ask her what I can do to help, she says "nothing". I'm a guy. If something is wrong, you fix it. A guy doesn't naturally sit around and talk about how he feels about something being broke. Your husband trucks off to work everyday and probably works despite colds, pains, ailments, etc. Every day he does this, he's showing he cares about you and your child. He handled this situation badly, but he handled it like a typical guy, the way he's wired. I will happily run to the drug store at all hours. I will get up and make tea. I will massage whatever needs rubbing. If there is blood, I will bandage it. If a limb is missing, I'll apply a tourniquet. If a limb is broken, I know how to put on a splint. If she quits breathing, I know CPR. I don't know how to just sit and do nothing other than listen and look sympathetic. To my male brain, that equates to "doing nothing." Some pain is just a fact of life to me and probably most guys. It's annoying but it's not a show-stopper. I have to be on death's door before I call in sick. I try to be sympathetic and supportive but listening to someone's complaints every day for months or years on end, it's hard to maintain a consistent appearance or attitude of support, especially when you've developed the habit of ignoring your own pain and ailments. If all eyes remain upon the maladies of one half of the marriage, when does anyone focus on the other half?
Sick or well, there are two people in your marriage and his needs and concerns are just as valid as yours, even if they are mostly silent. The loudest complainer isn't always the one with the greatest need.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad, thanks!
Unbelievable, good point that sometimes the one who isn't complaining has the need.
I'm trying to keep this in mind, as I think it applies to my dh.
Freesia, please take heart and know youre not the only one with these concerns or questions, and there is hope for change...start by having hope in the changes YOU can make.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Here's how I see it... By your own admission you are constantly sick. it's nothing new so when you tell him you are sick, how do you expect him to react?

If you were never sick and then complained, in his mind he'd say "gee, she's never sick. this must be serious." But instead, his natural reaction, while he didn't say it, is "So what's new?"


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Chris Taylor said:


> Here's how I see it... By your own admission you are constantly sick. it's nothing new so when you tell him you are sick, how do you expect him to react?
> 
> If you were never sick and then complained, in his mind he'd say "gee, she's never sick. this must be serious." But instead, his natural reaction, while he didn't say it, is "So what's new?"


That's how I saw this fight too. Had her husband said, "So what's new"? , that would have been a fight. Perhaps he thought that and was trying to avoid a fight by saying nothing.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

true, but the OP's need for her husband to care for her is a valid need.

It may seem that she "started" the fight, but each of them needed the other one's support and validation of problems/issues. His going on and on about his own complaints didn't exactly defuse the situation, so I don't think she's responsible for that...just like i'm not responsible for my husband telling me I "shouldn't" have an emotional need last night. But instead of letting myself get all worked up or blaming myself for his saying that, I took responsibility for MY next move...and i feel 100 times better than I wouldve if I had either "blamed him" or "blamed me" for what got us there in the first place.

Freesia, your husband may not be able to meet your needs right now, even if they are valid needs. And he may be acting unfairly.
Mine does both of those things too.
Even if he doesn't play fair, I'm determined to treat him with the fairness I believe is right.
I'm choosing not to retaliate not to determine if I give him love based on whether he's reciprocating or not.
I'm choosing to do so based on my own standards, if that makes sense. 
I can empathize with your upset, and i'm trying to handle similar situations in a way thar won't lead to more strife and pain.

I hope this helps!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Excuse spelling errors, it's my iPhone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

As a person with chronic health issues now myself, I prefer to look at the brighter side of life. Instead of dwelling on my problems, I focus on the blessings. It's amazing how much better I feel when I have a positive attitude. Also, people enjoy being around a person with a positive outlook on life. It's almost a contagious thing. Many times we can change another person's mood by simply changing our own.

Now, if I sat around and dwelled on how bad my health was, I would get depressed too. Then, the negative energy would have me in its grips. I would feel miserable and people wouldn't enjoy being around me.

I guess I have spent too much time studying some of the metaphysical aspect of our world. Those principles really do come in handy. Clearly freeshias4me has problems. I'm merely looking at other ways she can improve both her situation and how others relate to her situation.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

I DO normally look at the bright side of things. And I DO normally try hard to avoid any conflicts... But when my health went down by relapse, and the combo of him not listening, well, that was the wrong combo... LOL

One poster put it EXACTLY perfectly for me: "Freesia, your husband may not be able to meet your needs right now, even if they are valid needs. And he may be acting unfairly."

I hadn't thought of it that way...TY
Somehow I guess I imagined if I did and said all the right things, a magical type of result would come about...but it doesn't.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Relationships aren't like the movies: we don't have scripts that give us the perfect reactions we expect to what we think is a reasonable request/comment. Sometimes we do everything exactly right and it all goes a little sideways. And sometimes we do everything all wrong and still things turn out all right. 

The main thing to remember is not to give up every time you have an argument. You have to stick it out through the tough times to get back to the good times.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Freeshia, I was the one who said that, because I can relate.

But that observation is just a starting point...if I just left it at "well he's being unfair, so he doesn't deserve me to treat him well," we would get nowhere.

I know Ive had to overlook and get past some very hurtful things from my husband...but i'm learning what I can do to create a better future with him. If I just look toward him for the fault and the solution, I would stay stuck.

I haven't been married long enough to know if my own efforts can improve my own marriage, but I'm willing to take the advice of people who have done so in their own marriages. It's a work in progress...if you do your best, hopefully your husband will too,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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