# My Porn Addiction is back



## ConanHub

I thought I had it mostly under control.

I have had to travel for business for the past 3 months however, and have only been home for about 8 days. While alone on the road, going through the financial and relational strain this traveling is doing to me, I started caving to my old addiction.

I have told Mrs. Conan and we are trying to communicate about it and work through her hurt and my disgust.

What I would like to know is are there any good books on breaking this or any sex addiction.

Background: I do not enjoy watching porn. It makes me feel disgusting and degraded. I watch hardcore porn that is not romantic at all, just raunchy degrading sex. 

I was severely sexually, emotionally, mentally and physically abused as a child. This addiction started there.

It almost feels to me like if a girl is horribly abused as a child, she might become promiscuous and let herself be used even though it does not make her feel any better but like she can't help it.

I am going to seek counseling as soon as opportunity allows.

I feel sick and disgusting before and after I view porn. It is some kind of mental/emotional trigger that is very hard for me to resist.

Anyway. I would really appreciate if anyone had some good book suggestions. Maybe I need one on PTSD of sexual abuse as this seems to stem from my childhood.

Thanks in advance for your help and advice.


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## staarz21

Conan, 

I'm sorry. I don't have any advice on books. My H has read several and none of them helped. He's talked to a few people. That didn't help either. 

He deploys often. When he is gone, it comes back. When he returns home, we have to start all over again - I have to be his mother and monitor him, we have awkward sex, he doesn't enjoy it without porn on, He can hardly look at me naked...etc.

Over time, it gets better, but then he leaves again and it starts over. 

He is still gone on a deployment until Friday. It's been 6.5 months since he's been home. He swears the last 2 months he hasn't touched it. He said it's because of an email I wrote him. 

I wrote him telling him I couldn't do it anymore. I have stood by him through all of it with zero support because no one understands. No one knows the damage that 2-6 hours of porn a day..everyday can cause. I'm alone, I feel unwanted and unworthy. 

And I can't do it anymore. It hurts me so bad. It's affected me in ways I never knew it could. I told him I wanted to divorce. Between his affairs and the porn, I don't feel like he wants me anyway. 

In the email I described exactly what it felt like. We don't have a marriage, we are surviving...barely. 

He swore he never wanted to hurt me. It just happens and he can't control himself. Honestly, I don't care anymore. He can watch it until his eyes fall out of his skull.

I don't know if he sensed a change in me, But I think he knows I will walk now. I am stronger, standing up for myself more than I ever did before. This addiction, it didn't involve just him. He was bringing all of us down. I don't think he could live knowing that. I didn't talk to him for a while after I found him lying to me again. I've never done that. I find myself distancing away from him.

Even though I am excited he is coming home in 5 days, I dread it. I get mad. I know what's going to happen. I've been through it so many times before. When he is gone, and it's just me and the kids here, even though we are alone, I feel more at ease...at peace. I don't have to do things that make me uncomfortable in order to please him. I don't have to put on make up as soon as I brush my teeth in the morning so he won't see my naked face. I feel more confident. 

I think I'm starting to realize that I enjoy being without him. I love him. I do. I wouldn't have stayed this long if I didn't. But the fact of the matter is, he didn't want it bad enough. He swears now he does. His computer is clean, his phone is clean, his external hard drive is clean. It falls on deaf ears. I've heard it before. He has to prove to me he can control himself. 

For the last 2 months, I *think* he has proven it - though it's only a matter of time before it happens again and I left feeling useless again. I sometimes wish I had never met him. My life could be so different now. I could be happy. I have so much regret because I thought he was the man of my dreams. He fit the bill perfectly. Everything was so amazing. I couldn't have been happier. But of course, I don't deserve to be happy...

My mother is an alcoholic and I had to care for her. She was violent, abusive, and mean. I never felt like she loved me. 

My H is no different than her in my eyes now. He has a lot of ground to make up for. But in the mean time, I sit here, reading on an Internet forum full of people who look down on people like me for saying porn is harmful to us. I need to lighten up, allow him to do it because it's "harmless" and I'm a prude. It's enough to make you feel less than crap on a totem pole. 

Your wife may not feel like I do. Maybe I am over dramatic about it. I've been hurt because he said the porn led him to the affairs. But if you know she gets hurt by this...please try...harder to stop. It sucks. It's hard. I know! But God being on the receiving end of it...sucks too.

My H said when he thinks about it...it starts nagging at him and he can't quit thinking about it, he pulls out a picture of me and the boys. He turns off his computer immediately, shuts off his phone and gets the pic out. If he still feels the need to masturbate, he will go take a shower and do it there since you can't bring paper or electronics into the water. Sounds silly, but it works for him I guess. 

I know I didn't give you want you asked for. But I thought I would give my perspective on it as someone who is on the other side of it for over 6 years now.


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## ConanHub

So sorry for your situation. Porn addiction is destructive and I am sorry you have not received support on this forum. I have not cheated and I rarely look at porn but I just hate the grip it has on me. My wife knows it is a wound from my past and is lovingly encouraging me. 

I sure wish I could offer you encouragement. When I am not separated from my wife, I don't seem to suffer the addiction. 

If I find some good resources, I will share with you.

You are fully justified and your feelings are valid! If no one else will, I will support your feelings and anguish. I know how terrible and insecure pornography can make someone feel.

Thank you for sharing with me. Maybe I can just be stronger through the tough times. I should probably look into recovery from sexual abuse anyway.

Take care.


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## staarz21

Thanks Conan.

It seems I was assuming that your situation was worse. I guess I am jaded in that area. I'm sorry for that.

I can understand the hold that it takes on people. I've seen him struggle with it. Rarely looking at it is a good thing (at least in my eyes). You seem to have better control. 

I'm glad you have her support. It's important to always be supported when things like this come around. Everyone is going to go through something tough in their life. It's nice to have someone there to help you through it. 

There are weak moments and you shouldn't beat yourself up for it. Just try to pin point what got you to there and tackle it if you can. Look for other outlets, write a journal on how you're feeling and what it's doing to you. Read over it occasionally to remind yourself of how you don't want to feel. Pick a sport, go running, play guitar, anything to help move your mind away from it. 

It sounds like you have a great wife to help you with that!


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## mablenc

Can you take something to relax you like GABA? Is there something stressing you out that is causing this?


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## ConanHub

staarz21 said:


> Thanks Conan.
> 
> It seems I was assuming that your situation was worse. I guess I am jaded in that area. I'm sorry for that.
> 
> I can understand the hold that it takes on people. I've seen him struggle with it. Rarely looking at it is a good thing (at least in my eyes). You seem to have better control.
> 
> I'm glad you have her support. It's important to always be supported when things like this come around. Everyone is going to go through something tough in their life. It's nice to have someone there to help you through it.
> 
> There are weak moments and you shouldn't beat yourself up for it. Just try to pin point what got you to there and tackle it if you can. Look for other outlets, write a journal on how you're feeling and what it's doing to you. Read over it occasionally to remind yourself of how you don't want to feel. Pick a sport, go running, play guitar, anything to help move your mind away from it.
> 
> It sounds like you have a great wife to help you with that!


A journal is actually a pretty great idea! Thanks! That might help me isolate some of what is affecting me. I could share it with my wife as well.


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## ConanHub

mablenc said:


> Can you take something to relax you like GABA? Is there something stressing you out that is causing this?


I would love to know what GABA is. Yes. I have had to travel for business for the last three months with a grand total of 8 days home. we encountered sudden financial difficulties and the only way to survive has been to travel to take care of business.

She has to stay home to take care of things on that end and I will probably have another two or three months of this until things settle down.

So yes, I have been under a lot of extra stress and the prolonged separation has caused my addiction to resurface.

We have never been apart for so long in our 23 years. I kind of feel like a baby for not being able to handle this better.


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## mablenc

ConanHub said:


> I would love to know what GABA is. Yes. I have had to travel for business for the last three months with a grand total of 8 days home. we encountered sudden financial difficulties and the only way to survive has been to travel to take care of business.
> 
> She has to stay home to take care of things on that end and I will probably have another two or three months of this until things settle down.
> 
> So yes, I have been under a lot of extra stress and the prolonged separation has caused my addiction to resurface.
> 
> We have never been apart for so long in our 23 years. I kind of feel like a baby for not being able to handle this better.


GABA is a supplement that's a relaxer. We use it on my son when he's hyper and OC (autism). I know my OCD gets worse when I'm stressed out. My counselor said that many times we do A because we don't want to deal with B.

Since you are open with you wife, why not call or text her when you feel the urge. I do this with my spouse, when my OC hits I go through depression and do things that depress me even more. It's nice to be able to call him and feel that support.

Or you can come post here  we will support you.


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## ConanHub

mablenc said:


> GABA is a supplement that's a relaxer. We use it on my son when he's hyper and OC (autism). I know my OCD gets worse when I'm stressed out. My counselor said that many times we do A because we don't want to deal with B.
> 
> Since you are open with you wife, why not call or text her when you feel the urge. I do this with my spouse, when my OC hits I go through depression and do things that depress me even more. It's nice to be able to call him and feel that support.
> 
> Or you can come post here  we will support you.


Thanks for the support. Maybe I can find GABA in a local store. I think texting is a good idea as well as posting. Maybe when "it" hits me next I can start posting what is going through my head. Might help me and possibly someone else as well.

Others insights have helped a great deal on TAM.

BTW. I am somewhat OCD as well. Wonder if that has a tie in to my problem?


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## ConanHub

Just read up on GABA. It sounds like it would be good to take before bed. I have trouble sleeping so it might help solve two problems.

The side effects sound minimal. Will give it a try.


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## mablenc

My sons neurologist recommended it to us.


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## sparkyjim

I don't necessarily have a book to offer up. There are quite a few good ones out there. Joe Zychik wrote a good one and offers it up for free on the internet. You would have to google it to find it. I no longer have the link.

What I do want to recommend is a particular site which was very helpful to me. The Brain Science Behind Addiction | Candeo Behavior Change

It was this site where I found the help that I needed. It was this site where I found the tools, techniques, and camaraderie that led me to success.

Is is an anonymous site, but you can also invite your wife, your minister, or someone you might choose as a sponsor to join in and read the same materials you are reading, do the same exercises, and follow your progress through their course.

I am sure there are free sites also, but this site costs "I think" $30 a month and they require a 6 month committment. 

Look, you get what you pay for. You could go to a therapist who will cost you more than $100 an hour, and "might" be trained in how to heal sexual addiction, or you could go here, get a whole lot more bang for your buck, and even though it costs you something, and is not free, the course material and the resources are well worth the really small amount that you will be laying out over 6 months.

I stayed there for close to two years, voluntarially, because I was getting so much out of it and I was shariing so much with other students there. I could have left after 6 months, but it was worth it to me to stay.

And just a hint for you, that you are on the right track when you think that your PTSD is one of the things causing you to seek out porn. Candeo certainly discusses this, and I know that Joe Zychik's book touches on it, as do others.


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## sparkyjim

P.S.

They also assign you a coach who you can write back and forth to. This can be a very good help.

If you are looking to write a journal there are ones online that you can join. These sites are also men and women seeking victory over porn and sexual addiction. Unfortunately I am not at my personal computer so I don't have links.


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## mablenc

Can you have your wife or yourself put in parental controls on your pc? Sure you can go around them, but it can help you fillter your feelings.

I mentioned the OCD, which was surprising to me at first when my therapist explained it to me. You may not be dealing with an addiction but with OCD behavior. I also grew up in an abusive home the emotional abuse was the worst. A lot of my issues stemmed from my childhood. I was obsessing with things in my marriage and self to deal with the unhealed shame I was carrying with me. A burden that doesnt belong to me but to my parents. I did nothing wrong yet, I felt I didn't deserve to be happy and that no one would love me.

If any of this rings true, try the book "letting go of shame".


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## TheCuriousWife

How are you doing Conan?

I've been secretly reading your posts and rooting for you. Your story is very compelling. 

Hope things are going well. Wishing you the best!


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## Almostrecovered

mablenc said:


> My sons neurologist recommended it to us.


color me confused

I'm happy that it works for your son but GABA (a natural chemical our brain produces) is taken as a supplement, the GABA cannot penetrate the brain blood barrier and give you the effect you need to reduce anxiety or increase focus that natural GABA does. My understanding is that there are ways to get your brain to increase production of GABA, alcohol is actually one of them and green tea (L-Theanine) is another. GABA taken orally will help in the aid of muscle production and why it is sold.

more details here-

Why GABA Supplements Do Not Workâ€¦ and What Does Work


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## ConanHub

TheCuriousWife said:


> How are you doing Conan?
> 
> I've been secretly reading your posts and rooting for you. Your story is very compelling.
> 
> Hope things are going well. Wishing you the best!


Thank you. Been very busy with work and trying to balance finances from over 1200 miles away from home. Mrs. Conan and I try and discuss things but she has a hard time helping me. I usually end up comforting her and reassuring her but don't usually get support from her. Kind of feel on my own with this.

Have not been able to find any GABA yet but had a hard workout today. That helped.

Mrs. Conan is also very afraid that I am going to cheat. That has been the unfortunate focal point of many of our conversations and I am stuck reassuring her and sometimes having to defend myself.

When we are together, I can tell her anything but since we have been apart for so long, she really is not there for me in some ways.

I always told her when someone hit on me or when I found someone attractive but, at the moment, she is not that confidant/best friend/lover that I am use to.

I fly home in 5 days for a 3 day break. We have one day set aside for sex and reconnect. Not enough for us but hope it helps. 

Then more business for the next two months and a move at the end.

We will wind up in Arizona. I love it here!

Thanks for the resources Sparky! I will check them out.

I might as well confess here as start another thread.....

I get hit on often but have always fielded passes well. The other day I "caught" a pass without thinking.

I am allowed to dress very casually for the work I am doing.

I was wearing a cheap T that fit good. After the majority of my business was done and I was signing paperwork, there were about 4 associates standing around me having conversations with each other and me.

One associate, an athletic woman on the tall side, said she really liked my shirt and wanted it. It was a $3 T from Target. The tone was not about my shirt but what was underneath. Without batting an eye, I smiled and said that if I was not so shy, I would take it off right there and give it to her.

That was the old me that I have not seen in over two decades.

I realized quickly that I had not just caught a pass but had just made a pass of my own.

The woman got it loud and clear and the sexual temperature in the room went up about 20 degrees.

I spent the next 10-15 minutes talking to a male associate about hiking and kids, his and mine, while this lady had come over and stood there, awkwardly waiting for me to finish so she could continue with the pick up.

When the awkwardness of me ignoring her became to much, she finally left.

I have been hiding in my hotel room and only going out with men for limited times, to the movies and to eat, for example.

I won't cheat but that is the biggest slip in over 20 years. I have always been able to tell my wife anything but I am going to wait until we are together for this one.

It is really frustrating to not be able to talk with her about this stuff because of raging insecurity!!!

We have never been anything but transparent for a very long time and it has made us very strong and secure in our relationship. This situation truly sucks!


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## Flying_Dutchman

The reason child abuse is so vile, causes PTSD and a host of other emotional issues, is because the physical abuse is typically accompanied by things children ADORE,, then enforced with fear.


That range of emotions can be overwhelming for a child and implant warped thought processes that might never be undone without a LOT of professional help or not at all.


The abuse itself won't necessarily be any more painful than many other injuries a child suffers, but the child knows/feels something isn't right about it, doesn't understand it, so the seeds of a PTSD are sown even before the the other confusing stuff is factored in.

Before the abuse begins, the abuser is 'nice' to the child. Friendly. Maybe brings a present.

During or after the abuse the child will be told how special they are, the chosen one,, chosen to keep THE SECRET.


Kids LOVE people being nice to them, presents, being told they're special and keeping secrets. Their abuser might be their favourite person.



Then comes the fear enforcement. If they tell anyone about THE SECRET the 'beloved' abuser will hate them. No more presents for nasty children who give secrets away. Mum and dad will be taken away. The child will be sent to a home full of cruel people they don't know. They'll never see their siblings again.



The child is terrified,, they'll never tell - thereby becoming complicit in their own abuse. And this nice/pain/reward/terror cycle is reinforced with each abusive event.



As if that weren't enough - it's destressing enough just typing about it - sometime around their mid teens the child will become aware of the reality of what happened and have all the feelings a traumatised adult has added to what they feel already. Anger, guilt, desire for vengeance, 'abnormal', shame, more confusion, wondering whether to tell anyone or not, fear of disbelief, fear of the ramifications of being believed, fear of exposure, fear that they'll become an abuser themselves.



Hardly surprising that many turn to drink, drugs and OTHER ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOURS. They're emotionally damaged in complicated ways.



Shrinks talk a lot about 
'comfort zones'. Sounds like a zone that's comfortable. Frequently, a better description might be 'discomfort zone'. As with the abused child, the victim might hate their comfort zone - or aspects of it - but fear escaping it will be worse. This site abounds with contrasting examples. Spouses who leave/cheat cuz they think their lives will get better. Spouses who can't leave cuz they fear their lives will get worse.



Porn watching is likely a part of the OPs comfort zone, even though it makes him uncomfortable. No way to be sure what he's getting/seeking from it. Maybe reinforcing a need for self-loathing (a common symptom of an abuse victim) or seeking the emotional reward (present, special, secret) that his child brain received following the physical abuse. For sure, the reason will be deeply ingrained and complicated.


Importantly, while the porn has to go, it might be impossible to drop it without identifying other symptoms. If the porn is at the centre of a broken bridge, you can't mend it until you've fixed the support columns.


There's no easy solution to a complicated problem. By all means try to stop watching, but don't beat yourself up if you can't. It might be step 3 that can't be quit till you've identified steps 1 and 2.



Many people think PTSD is something that only affects wounded soldiers and other victims of physical trauma. IT ISN'T. It can happen to people who haven't been injured at all. 


If there's a common denominator among PTSD sufferers, it's confusion. Something that they can't rationalise. People like to know how they got from A to B. 


If you stabbed a knife through your hand it'd hurt, but you likely wouldn't suffer PTSD cuz you can join the dots to make sense of it. - Decided to stab my hand. Picked up knife. Stabbed hand. Expected it to hurt. IT DID! Went to hospital. Got repaired. It's healed. 



Now, imagine next time you blink your eyes open again and you're at the top of the Eiffel Tower. How did you get there? You'd be searching your mind over and over to find an explanation as to how you got from A to B. You'd NEED to rationalise it. You'd search for what made sense, running endless theories over and over in your mind. You'd lose sleep. You'd get snappy and withdrawn. You might drink to get respite. You'd deteriorate until you got an explanation or professional help. That's PTSD.


An excellent book that'll help understand it.


Trauma - Prof. Gordon Turnbull.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ariel_angel77

I know how crazy this probably sounds, but you may consider rethinking your job. Sounds like traveling is going to destroy your marriage. NOTHING is so important that you'll accept it ruining your marriage, not even a career. I mean, sure, you returned a woman's pass, but what happens with more weeks of not seeing your wife? It's not worth it from my viewpoint.


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## ConanHub

ariel_angel77 said:


> I know how crazy this probably sounds, but you may consider rethinking your job. Sounds like traveling is going to destroy your marriage. NOTHING is so important that you'll accept it ruining your marriage, not even a career. I mean, sure, you returned a woman's pass, but what happens with more weeks of not seeing your wife? It's not worth it from my viewpoint.


You are right and I already quit. I took a job in Arizona at a loss of about 20,000 a year. I just have to set up the move and a new place to live. We cannot do it now unless we don't care what we move into.

Two months and this will be over.

Your right about the time passing. I won't cheat but I am HD and I have never had to be away from her this long.

Still want to kick my porn addiction.


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## ConanHub

Flying D.

Profound!

What you said really struck a chord. I might just have a path to pursue now and I will definitely find that book.

Thank you!


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## ConanHub

intheory said:


> If this were someone who had an affair because they travelled, everyone would be telling them the job had to go.
> 
> I know you have already addressed that; I just want to add my vote to the "no travelling as part of your job"; as soon as it's financially possible.
> 
> And I also agree that you should add all the filters to your phone and devices to stop porn. I know you could "undo" them if you wanted. But it _might_ help.
> 
> Is there anyway to take naked pictures of your wife with you on your computer (heavily password protected). Or, a video you made of each other making love. Or, can you Skype with her from your motel room?
> 
> You seem like a good guy, Conan. I wish you all the best in conquering this.


Thank you! Mrs. Conan is a little more reserved than me but I have been encouraging her to be more adventurous with me.

I have been sexting her, sending naked pics of me and sex texts.

She has been slow to respond but is coming around. I would love it if she would make a video with me!!! Or even send me an erotic one of herself.

She absolutely loves my pics and sexting BTW, she is just not as self assured as I am.

On Wednesday I fly home for three days. We have set aside Thursday for sex and reconnect. I will bring this up then. Hope she goes for it!


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## staarz21

Conan,

Don't beat yourself up over the pass. You realized what happened and you proceeded to do the right thing by ignoring her after.

It is hard to be away - especially if you're the HD spouse. There were numerous times I would have cut my left big toe off for company while my H was gone...but I don't put myself in situations that could be inappropriate - or misinterpreted as inappropriate. I am faithful to him completely.

Does she know that you would like a little more support or that sometimes you feel like you have to defend yourself from something you have not done (like her worrying about you cheating)?

I agree with others, you seem like a good guy. It's just a crap situation that you are in with being away from your wife. It takes a toll on many marriages. I see it constantly in the military community. Some people just don't know how to handle it. You seem to be doing the best you can. I really wish you guys the best of luck!


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## ConanHub

Thank you! I will discuss those issues when I can hold her in my arms. Two days and counting!

Over the phone doe not help her much. When she can touch me and smell me, in a good way, she feels better and more reassured.

The separation has taken it's toll on her emotions as well.


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## MEM2020

Conan,

There is absolutely nothing baby-like about you. And the fact that you don't touch this stuff when home is a great thing. 

A journal is good. 

Even if you dislike this suggestion, I hope you'll take it in the sincere spirit it's offered. When you feel the need, maybe a quick skype session with your W in a negligee might help. During or after you can go for a quick tug and scratch the itch. 




ConanHub said:


> I would love to know what GABA is. Yes. I have had to travel for business for the last three months with a grand total of 8 days home. we encountered sudden financial difficulties and the only way to survive has been to travel to take care of business.
> 
> She has to stay home to take care of things on that end and I will probably have another two or three months of this until things settle down.
> 
> So yes, I have been under a lot of extra stress and the prolonged separation has caused my addiction to resurface.
> 
> We have never been apart for so long in our 23 years. I kind of feel like a baby for not being able to handle this better.


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## CardReader

I don't have any books to offer that you could read, hec I'll probably get the book Flying d recommended myself. 

I have been sexually and emotionally abused as a child and as an adult. One would think that would normally make someone not want sexual activity (at least, that's how it affects a lot of women that I have talked to) but for me it has had the opposite effect. 

I'm very HD and am learning that I do have a porn addiction that is affecting my marriage because it hurts my husband and I feel bad afterwords. 

I find that if I'm stressed, I defintely feel the urge to turn to porn, even when getting sex daily. The main thing that helps me is to tell my husband when I'm feeling the way I am and talk through it. He doesn't like hearing that I want it but he supports me and that helps so much. Being honest about it takes away most of the bad feelings that go along with it.

I also had him put on filters and passwords, that only he has, restricting those sites. I feel like it helps knowing that they are there. 

He doesn't mind that I masturbate and having a variety of toys helps with feeling satisfied. Sometimes I want the porn to take sexual arousal to the next level, but it's not needed (as in the urge happens a lot less now) as much anymore because of the toys. I don't know what your stance on sex toys is but that could be an option, at least for when you're away. There are some male strokers, like the Tenga 3D ones, that are classy looking. Again, that's something that would depend on you and your wife. I could see the potential for this back firing and you use it with the porn. But for me, it has helped curb wanting porn. So, you'd have to weigh the pros and cons. 

And like others have said, skype video calls would be great and to include her during the times you are doing your things. You'll get that visual and feel good about it and she'll get some security.

Hobbies and plenty of them. Anything positive that will distract you, preferably something using your hands. I like bread making, origami, coloring/painting, crochet or raquet ball. 

I wish I had more ideas to offer but I think the honesty is really the best thing to do. To tell her when you slip up and when there is the urge hopefully preventing it instead. It will hurt but I think being truthful about what you're doing will help with her insecurity. She'll know that she can trust you to be honest with her, no matter what. 

I hope some of that helps at least a little. And hopefully others have some more book suggestions because I'd be interested in that too. Sexual trauma and porn addiction can be so confusing. I'm still not 100 percent porn free but things are getting better.


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## MEM2020

Conan,
With or without negligee - skype is better than a 'voice only' call.

It enables you to honestly say: 
- you look beautiful
- I wish I could reach thru the screen and hug you
- seeing you just makes me crave your touch even more than I already did
- I'm sorry I have to travel to provide for us financially, I miss you, you know that right? 

And then the one other thing that is real - and worth mentioning is something like this. 

Earlier, when I was thinking about you my pulse and blood pressure spiked so much that I went for a X mile run. Didn't help that much but it's better than sitting in my hotel room losing my mind.....



QUOTE=ConanHub;10833098]Thank you! I will discuss those issues when I can hold her in my arms. Two days and counting!

Over the phone doe not help her much. When she can touch me and smell me, in a good way, she feels better and more reassured.

The separation has taken it's toll on her emotions as well.[/QUOTE]


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## ConanHub

Just got off the phone with Mrs. Conan.

She is super horny as well and talking about taking a "shower".

Brought up her sending me some pictures and possibly skyping with each other for some intimate time and she is worried it could be intercepted.

She also, unfortunately, asked me if I was a sex addict. I got hurt. After I said that lusting for my wife was not a sex addict, I let her know I was bothered by what she said.

She started to get pissed until I reminded her that I was HD and pursuing my wife was not abnormal behavior.

We ended the conversation well but this is really not helping.

I need her to understand that phone sex, naked pictures, even Skype sex with her is not only appropriate but desperately needed right now!

This is what I am dealing with....

I stayed in my hotel room all day today. I finally took a shower and shaved.

I walked about half a mile to a Walmart for some ice cream.

I picked up some beer as well and went through checkout.

I am mid forties but look young when I shave. The 20 something cashier took extra time and effort with me. She made way to much Eye contact and smiled through the whole conversation. She asked me questions about where I was from and where I had been. She ignored the other customers as I was getting my bags and going away. She made sure to face me, turning away from her station and cash register to wish me a nice day while still smiling and her body language matched her smile.

I went to a local gym on Friday because I thought a workout would help me feel better, I was right about that BTW. The 20 something receptionist invited me out for a Halloween party.

She even checked my wedding ring out and still invited me and gave me a discount for a day pass.

I am in misery. I am sexually frustrated. I absolutely will not cheat but I have very willing, very nubile females showing me availability every time I leave my stinking room.

Staying in my room when I am not working is starting to depress me BTW. TAM is helpful but I need time out.

I am just venting now but believe it or not, it helps to write this down.

Before I got married, this kind of thing was amusing. After I got married it was still amusing because I was being satisfied at home. In this situation, it is kind of agonizing.

I am really not tempted to actually accept the advances of these women but it revs something up in me that is already revved up too much without Mrs. Conan to fix it.

I just thought about viewing porn to take the edge off but it makes me feel bad in other ways so not tonight, thank you.

Nothing helps. Here goes another night of agony. I guess I could drink too much beer and maybe pass out.

I have not been sleeping well because of all the stress of the situation and sexual frustration and guilt and disgust over porn.

Wish I could take a pill to kill my desire but the side effects would probably be worse.


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## WorkingOnMe

Anyone taking odds on whether there's actually any sex on Thursday?


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## ConanHub

WorkingOnMe said:


> Anyone taking odds on whether there's actually any sex on Thursday?


Will keep you updated on that front.


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## ConanHub

HOLY FVCKING SH!T!!!!!!

It is after 1 am I the morning, I have drank a six pack of 16 ounce beers to get sleepy and now there is a woman getting fvcked very loudly in the room next to me!!!!!


You have to laugh sometimes or you might cry!

I can't take the moaning and groaning with the obvious rhythm!

Gonna take a late night walk! SHYT!!!!!!!


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## ConanHub

Update. He only lasted about 3 minutes. Good for me, bad for her.

At least I can sleep. Goodnight.


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## ConanHub

Thanks intheory.

Will look it up. 

Update: As tough as last night was, I did not cave to porn.

I slept relatively well and feel pretty good today.

Sorry for the rant last night. 

On the bright side. Right before bed Mrs. Conan and I prayed and she allowed me to pray that we would get good at intimacy using tech, Skype, pictures, etc....


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## TheCuriousWife

Conan can you masturbate without porn? Or does that bring bad feelings too?

That would help take the edge off.

Glad to hear you make it through last night. I think pushing your wife to start sexting, skyping, etc is a great idea and would certainly help.

Just think. Only 2 more months and you will be free!


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## ConanHub

TheCuriousWife said:


> Conan can you masturbate without porn? Or does that bring bad feelings too?
> 
> That would help take the edge off.
> 
> Glad to hear you make it through last night. I think pushing your wife to start sexting, skyping, etc is a great idea and would certainly help.
> 
> Just think. Only 2 more months and you will be free!


Yes. I am quite HD. I have usually masturbated in binges. Porn is not necessary for me in any way. It is a dark twinge stemming from my past that sometimes grabs me and is hard for me to fight against. I hate it! I enjoy myself in life and sex so much more when porn is not in the picture.

Porn makes me feel dark in every aspect and the world loses some of its' light every time I cave to it.

Writing about it seems to be helping. Some of the pathways of thought that have been introduced seem to be giving me power over the addiction as well. Flying Dutchman helped open a door that I did not know was there.

I can't make out everything through that door yet but knowing it is there and having it open is giving me insight into my behavior.

Yesterday, I had the urge and instead of trying to fight it or wallowing in the misery of the grip it has on me, I immediately was able to associate how crappy I always feel before, after and during porn use.

The grip loosened all the way on me and the urge went away.

I do not know what this means yet but I am very happy today.

That has never happened before. I was in a real bad place yesterday as well and the addiction still lost its' grip on me.

Anyway. Masturbation can take the edge off but really barely cuts it for me. I did find out through all of this that Mrs. Conan masturbates.

It made me feel a lot closer to her and more than a little turned on for her to admit she takes care of herself now and then!:smthumbup:


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## ConanHub

Another update:

Mrs. Conan just sent me her first naked pics!!!:smthumbup:

I love that woman!


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## TheCuriousWife

ConanHub said:


> Another update:
> 
> Mrs. Conan just sent me her first naked pics!!!:smthumbup:
> 
> I love that woman!


:smthumbup:

So glad she is willing to help you get through this. What a treasure you have. 

Enjoy them, guilt free!


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## nuclearnightmare

Conan:

I have the same issue. I went both the drug route and the therapy route:

1 - there are anti OCD drugs that can be prescribed. consult your doctor and see if one will help you.

2 - try to put up as many barriers to your porn access as possible. a filtering program on all your devices, a password lockout on all your home devices (psswd that only your wife knows).

3 - but you're not really going to be able to block yourself from all access. so you might try this. I gave up on "cold turkey" because whenever I fell off the wagon I would get so discouraged (and scared of my lack of control etc). instead decide to see how much you can limit your use. can you cut it in half, cut it by 80%, 90%? keep a journal of time spent with it and see how long you cxan hold out between use sessions. e.g. I have cut my use by 90% - it now is a much less fearsome habit and one I feel I can extinguish eventually.

4 - unfortunately, given what you said about abuse in your childhood, I doubt that a porn addiction is your greatest challenge. I think all addictions - porn, alcohol, gambling etc. are self-medication of some kind. you will always be drawn to this kind of 'medication' until you are able to face and resolve the pain and fear you experienced as a child. Otherwise you are just treating the symptoms (curing the addictions). the only way I know of to get to the root of that kind of problem is through use of a good therapist.


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## Flying_Dutchman

ConanHub said:


> Update. He only lasted about 3 minutes. Good for me, bad for her.


LOL - Not if she got paid up front for the full hour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

nuclearnightmare said:


> Conan:
> 
> I have the same issue. I went both the drug route and the therapy route:
> 
> 1 - there are anti OCD drugs that can be prescribed. consult your doctor and see if one will help you.
> 
> 2 - try to put up as many barriers to your porn access as possible. a filtering program on all your devices, a password lockout on all your home devices (psswd that only your wife knows).
> 
> 3 - but you're not really going to be able to block yourself from all access. so you might try this. I gave up on "cold turkey" because whenever I fell off the wagon I would get so discouraged (and scared of my lack of control etc). instead decide to see how much you can limit your use. can you cut it in half, cut it by 80%, 90%? keep a journal of time spent with it and see how long you cxan hold out between use sessions. e.g. I have cut my use by 90% - it now is a much less fearsome habit and one I feel I can extinguish eventually.
> 
> 4 - unfortunately, given what you said about abuse in your childhood, I doubt that a porn addiction is your greatest challenge. I think all addictions - porn, alcohol, gambling etc. are self-medication of some kind. you will always be drawn to this kind of 'medication' until you are able to face and resolve the pain and fear you experienced as a child. Otherwise you are just treating the symptoms (curing the addictions). the only way I know of to get to the root of that kind of problem is through use of a good therapist.


Thanks for the input. Therapy is where I believe it is going to end up. I have never fully dug into it and maybe I am a little scared.

I have "black holes" in my memory. Places that I am aware of but don't know what is there.

I am probably going to have to go there and see some things I don't want to.


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## ConanHub

Flying_Dutchman said:


> LOL - Not if she got paid up front for the full hour.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL!

I saw them leave this morning. They are a young couple.

I smiled but could not keep eye contact. Hope he ups his game, just not in a room next to me!


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## TiggyBlue

ConanHub said:


> Thanks for the input. Therapy is where I believe it is going to end up. I have never fully dug into it and maybe I am a little scared.
> 
> I have "black holes" in my memory. Places that I am aware of but don't know what is there.
> 
> I am probably going to have to go there and see some things I don't want to.


Have you considered cognitive behavioral therapy?
On the whole it focuses on dealing with present problems rather than delving into the past to much (much more action oriented).
It may be a more comfortable approach.


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## ConanHub

Ok. In the airport and will be with the wife tonight!&#55357;&#56842; 

Going to look up a couple of books suggested while I am up there.

Really appreciate everyone giving me input.

Will have an update on Monday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staarz21

ConanHub said:


> Ok. In the airport and will be with the wife tonight!��
> 
> Going to look up a couple of books suggested while I am up there.
> 
> Really appreciate everyone giving me input.
> 
> Will have an update on Monday.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good Luck and enjoy the time!!!


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## ConanHub

Well, the trip was very good and very stressful.

The good.

We were not home 10 minutes from the airport before the clothes came off and she came back for seconds and thirds.

I could have gone for number four but she was pretty destroyed.

We woke up Thursday morning and started again. We did a couple of different, more visual positions including watching ourselves in a large mirror.

That helped me immensely. My memories of it are way better than any visual that comes from porn.

We also talked about what happened with me catching a pass. She was pretty upset but feels better now and still likes our transparency.

The stressful.

We are so in love with each other that it becomes hard to make rational decisions. I stayed too long and really wore myself out getting back to Arizona. I am now sick with something.

My head is pretty fuzzy so I am going for now.


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## xakulax

I'm sorry but could somebody give me a clear definition of what Porn Addiction is ????


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## Flying_Dutchman

Just did a quick recap of this thread.

Since two of you showed interest in the Trauma book, I should point out that there's little or no reference to sex abuse, but it's the best I've ever read for explaining what I described before - the need to make sense of things,, fill in the missing pieces,,, no injury necessary.


Example - There's a lot about the PanAm Lockerbie crash. As you'd expect, experienced mountain rescue teams and other units were drafted in. Guys experienced in finding broken bodies. What traumatised many of them was NOT finding what they expected. They found people naked and clothed lying in the fields like they were peacefully sleeping. They couldn't compute a 6 mile drop, lack of visible injuries and naked/clothed,,, especially after preparing themselves to find 'bits'. Tempting to think they'd be happy to not find 'bits', but therein lies the complexities of PTSD. False predisposition, confusion at the unexpected, failure to achieve goals (rescue). Then, remember it's Post TSD, not Current TSD. They didn't know the seeds of trauma had been sewn. Just got on with their tasks (and collecting more baffling images). Later come the flashbacks of the 'sleeping' people. The sleepless nights. Rowing with their spouses. Only much later when they start seeking help and a team is set up to find all the rescuers do they discover dozens of them are affected.

So,, no physical injury necessary. Something you can't make sense of in the moment is all it takes. A fascinating read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

My "addiction" might be more of a compulsion, I don't know.

It is something that I do not want to do. I am disgusted by prostitution and that is all porn is, paying a prostitute to get drilled on camera.

I sometimes feel agitated if I don't cave and view it and I don't sleep well and wake up feeling nervous and sometimes sick when I do view porn.

An addiction makes you feel crappy if you don't do it and crappy in another way if you do.


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## no-more-lies

staarz21 said:


> Conan,
> 
> But in the mean time, I sit here, reading on an Internet forum full of people who look down on people like me for saying porn is harmful to us. I need to lighten up, allow him to do it because it's "harmless" and I'm a prude.


So much of what you wrote is exactly what I am going through and what I've seen experienced by many other women. I think porn is like many other things. It can be (relatively) harmless if used occasionally, but some become addicted or obsessed with it to the point where relationships suffer. I could and have never given it a clean pass because of how degrading it is to women (what if it was YOUR daughter?), but not everyone gets hooked on it.

I hope this works out for you. You deserve to be happy.


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## jimrich

I'd recommend an inexpensive support group like Sexaholics Anonymous or Incest Survivors or Sex and Love addicts anonymous or some similar support group where you will learn how to examine and live your life in a better way.
good luck


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