# In-laws causing me to want a divorce



## Cakegirl (Dec 4, 2017)

I feel completely defeated. I have been with my spouse for 9 1/2 years. We've been married for 6 and have 2 children together. 

When we started dating, his friends warned me about his sister being mean. She is. She told me I was not good enough when we got engaged. His family let her lead the way and all pretended to be nice but were on her side. My sister in law is best friends with my other sister in law and are attached at the hip-way before I enetered the picture. There's no room for me in that family. I understand that not all families are the same so I kept trying. We got married and I was so scared she was going to interupt my wedding-my whole family and all of our friends were on edge the entire day and night. I am extremely close to family and they have a great relationship with my husband. My family talks often and although we are similar, we always can call each other out if someone is being rude/unreasonable-then we get over it and are great again. His family can not do this. They don't communicate. My husband has never stood up for me in the entirety of our marriage. I almost left him when I was pregnant. I talked to a counselor and priest. When we announced we were pregnant, she stormed out and locked out nephew in the car. No one said anything-it was one of the worst days of my life. This is the only problem in our relationship we can not solve. I understand they are my husband's family but they don't even treat him well. He's naive and believes that time will heal wounds. They have never been addressed or apologized for. Now that I have 2 children, they are often forgotten about while my neice and nephew are showered with love and affection. 

For so long, I felt bad for my husband. I just kept thinking, "it must feel awful not be able to stand up to your family and talk openly/honestly with them." I'm over it. I try so hard to pick the right presents, to make sure they get celebrated, to offer to have everyone over. But it's been years of snide comments, forgetting important moments, excluding me, and more and he hasn't done one thing about it. It's been years of tears, fights, and him seeing me shrink in front of them. I hate that he's ok with it. I hate that he doesn't want better for me and our kids. I hate that I don't have a partner and that I'm expected to go to every event, pretend and not rock the boat. I hate that he makes me go on week long vacations with them and I don't get my space. I hate the anxiety of birthdays, holidays and even things like Mother's Day because it gets to be about them. I've suggested going to a counselor and he's not interested. He just believes that things will magically get better. I truly believe he expects me to feel this bad for the rest of our marriage. I just don't know if there can be a rest of this marriage. It seems hopeless. I feel lost and alone. I resent him so much. I want to be a family for my kids and I truly love him but what else can I do?! Do I finally face the music and let them win?!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Stop.Just stop.
Stop going to events or on vacation with them.
Stop buying them presents.
Stop giving a damn about them because you know by now they don’t give a damn about you.
Do you know that a strong sign of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result.
Your main problem is not your in laws,it’s this weak cowardly mummy’s boy you are married to.
Let him know you are not dealing with his family anymore and they are now solely his problem.


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## Cakegirl (Dec 4, 2017)

Believe me, I've wanted to stop-have stopped before. Then I'm the wife that has stopped trying. I truly am trying to make this work but I don't know what to do if I'm the only one actually putting the work in. I appreciate your reply-thank you!


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Stop trying to make it work! It is FUTILE

Stop visits with his family. Stop inviting them over. Stop buying gifts (if you must buy for the children, have them MAILED). Stop talking to them. Stop arguing with your husband about it. Stop everything.

When the next event with his family comes up, you say you are not going. When your husband asks why, you say "you know why. I am not going." When he tries to argue, ask, beg, demand, you have one response and one response only..."I am not going." Don't discuss future events. Don't discuss anything. When the next event is brought up, at that time you can lather, rinse and repeat.

I really do not understand this willingness to be a doormat for people who do not have any concern for you. Just freakin' quit it.

After a number of events go by and you're no longer in attendance or participating, you can gauge your husband's reaction and decide if it's worth divorcing him or not. Regardless, you need to get yourself together and remember that you're the model for teaching your children how to treat people and how to take other peoples' treatment. Believe me, the younger ones understand far more than you can imagine.

ETA: What in the world is "the wife that stopped trying"? Is that what "they" say? Who cares what they say? Why would you care at all what people like them say?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So stop again.

For example if there are presents to by for his family, he can buy them. Does he go out and buy presents for your family? Or do you?

You cannot fix this because you cannot change your husband or his family. They are caught in a very unhealthy cycle. But you can minize your and your children's exposure to his family. So do that.

To start with, get an individual counselor (IC) who can help you stand up for yourself. You are being a pushover. Your husband is your problem, not so much his family. He has the ability to stop this nonsense with his family by standing up to them and protecting you and your children. He refuses to. So you need help in dealing with him.

This will most likely lead to your divorce since it's unlikely that he will change. But the one thing that might get him to change is if he realizes that he will lose you and his most of the time with his children if he does not start putting you and his children ahead of his dysfunctional extended family. An IC can help you figure out how to do this... how to stand up for yourself, how to tell him that your filing for divorce if things do not change NOW. That he needs to go to marriage counseling with you and take it seriously if he wants to keep his family.

Do it now instead of waiting until you are so burned out that you don't care about saving your marriage at all. That time is just down the road.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Let your husband deal with his family and you put your energies into raising a healthy family of your own. 

He can visit on his own, he can communicate via his mobile phone. You don't need to be around these people. If you keep 'trying' it will destroy your self esteem and you will be forever resentful. You will be the bad person in their eyes anyway - you may as well do as you please. 

Don't let these people ruin a marriage....


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## Mountains91 (Dec 4, 2017)

You're in a situation similar to mine. I cut off all contact with the in laws a long time ago. I couldn't handle how they treated me. 

Cut off contact with your in laws and see how it goes.


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## Cakegirl (Dec 4, 2017)

Thank you all. He came home last night and told me that "I am just not right for him." Needless to say, I was devasted. All I could think is "what if I dont get to kiss my kids goodnight everyday?" What do I tell them? My mom told me not to leave my house for legal reasons that he could claim I abandoned it so I stayed. I stayed and had to see his face all night. That was rough. I felt broken-and not enough. My body physically ached. I never wish that on anyone.

Contrary to what it looks like, I actually stand up to everyone except them. It's so taxing as they are so manipulative. I talked to a friend today who'se parents divorced and he gave me some good perspective. He told me that my needs to be repected as a human being is not irrational. I dont need love them from but respect. This can't happen without some sort of invention. Either it gets better or gets worse then better so I am going to move forward with that. I'm learning that I have some control and power here and to take it because I need to stop this cycle. I am meeting with a counselor next week and hopefully I can get some clarity and figure out a way to handle this in a healthy way for my kids and I. I appreciate it all. Every word-even when you told me I was a doormat. I didn't see it that way, I saw that you stand by your person you love-that's how you show them you love them but I was wrong, Sometimes, love means saying I love you enough that I can't be here to watch this and let this happen to me and my kids. I love them more than I love my husband. Even if I am terrible at putting me first, I am putting them first sooo........ thank you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Cakegirl said:


> Thank you all. He came home last night and told me that "I am just not right for him." Needless to say, I was devasted. All I could think is "what if I dont get to kiss my kids goodnight everyday?" What do I tell them? My mom told me not to leave my house for legal reasons that he could claim I abandoned it so I stayed. I stayed and had to see his face all night. That was rough. I felt broken-and not enough. My body physically ached. I never wish that on anyone.
> 
> Contrary to what it looks like, I actually stand up to everyone except them. It's so taxing as they are so manipulative. I talked to a friend today who'se parents divorced and he gave me some good perspective. He told me that my needs to be repected as a human being is not irrational. I dont need love them from but respect. This can't happen without some sort of invention. Either it gets better or gets worse then better so I am going to move forward with that. I'm learning that I have some control and power here and to take it because I need to stop this cycle. I am meeting with a counselor next week and hopefully I can get some clarity and figure out a way to handle this in a healthy way for my kids and I. I appreciate it all. Every word-even when you told me I was a doormat. I didn't see it that way, I saw that you stand by your person you love-that's how you show them you love them but I was wrong, Sometimes, love means saying I love you enough that I can't be here to watch this and let this happen to me and my kids. I love them more than I love my husband. Even if I am terrible at putting me first, I am putting them first sooo........ thank you.


Look up the 180.There is a link on @EleGirl footer.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Cakegirl said:


> Believe me, I've wanted to stop-have stopped before. Then I'm the wife that has stopped trying


Only in your own mind.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I can assure you the resentment will continue to build. You have attempted to work this through. Your H refuses to cut the family string which is wrong. You are H and W now. Your H should respect that you put your best foot forward, get a set between his legs and tell the family how it is going to be from now on. Yours and H rules. If they don't like it, tough crap. Chew harder. At the end of the day, the family will have more respect for your H taking a stand for his W. If they don't they can screw off. Not worth any more effort. And, you do not need the family to survive. I would hope your H has more respect for you which does not appear to be the case as he put his family first. That is a recipe for a disaster of a marriage.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Is his family well off? I've seen people put up with annoying family members because of an inheritance. The annoying family members will even rub it in their faces. And the ones I know got rich because of an inheritance themselves, not self made. 

Makes me sick.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I can appreciate your husband's situation. A college football coach says go strong up the middle but the running back finds a 275lb lineback who benches 400 lbs hits him along with two other ones. Like your sister-in-law, she's a tough nasty woman who is used to fighting. Suggestions,

1. Don't stress yourself or take it out on your husband.

2. Stand up for yourself. Decide you may not want to go to certain functions, tell your husband and hold your ground. If he wants to go alone, let him. Be pleasant at the other ones, talk cordially. 

3. Stand up for yourself at parties. If you have to get in a fight with your sister-in-law, so be it. Don't expect him to get involved and don't get made when he doesn't. But that doesn't stop you. If he asks you to apologize, explain to him you are keeping him out of this dispute but if he wants to get involved, it will be helping you in standing up to sis. 

4. Do what you need, but don't expect her to change. Actually she is seeing her own therapist about assertiveness training, and her therapist says she needs to speak out more. (when they get paid, therapists and divorce lawyers like to get people they aren't assertive enough and are enablers. Few of them say, you are an annoying, overbearing pain in the a, I can't believe people continue to take your sh.t)


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The only way you can deal with toxic family members is to stay right away from them. They will not change. 
Move right away if you can and stop trying. Tell you husband that unless he starts standing up for you and the children you are leaving. 
Honestly they will ruin your life if you let them. In laws cause so many divorces and he hasn't cut the emotional ties yet. 

You could also say that unless he comes to MC with you,you will leave with the children. This will make you ill if it carries on. Stop all contact. Stop buying presents.

I would never put up with people treating my children badly, no matter who they are.

I had a toxic MIL but fortunately for us she lived the other side of the world. On the one occasion I went there for three weeks she tried to break up our marriage. Never was I so relieved to get on a plane and come home.
Sometimes moving right away from family is the only solution, it may be worth thinking about.


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## NjGuy8282 (Jan 25, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Stop.Just stop.
> Stop going to events or on vacation with them.
> Stop buying them presents.
> Stop giving a damn about them because you know by now they don’t give a damn about you.
> ...


I agree ..
You said it best. STOP STOP STOP. No texts, bday wishes, gifts, get togethers. Stop all of it.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I wouldn't like the trips with his family. In fact I would stop that.. You need to go away just the 4 of you. I put my foot down on 'mother's day'. For one I am a mother and I have a mother so this day we play it by ear. Or I will alternate every other year. And the same with other holidays.. That's awesome that you are trying to be a part of it, I just gave up and decided that what I want is important too. In fact, this past Thanksgiving I had such bad anxiety over them that I just sent spouse and kids over his family-- not good but I enjoyed the time to myself.

Don't give your spouse an option for marriage counselling! Make the appointment and let him know that this is very important to you.. If he refuses, you go and talk about what it means that he wants no part of it.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

The past few years I have been doing less of the shopping for his family. In fact, this last x-mas I did not do a thing for his side. My husband bought all the gifts and even a few appetizers for the party. It was interesting to watch him stress over it!!


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