# Day 5



## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Today is day 5! This is the longest I’ve gone without seeing him in many years. My heart aches. But the reality of it is, I’m missing a ghost. I’m missing the person he once was.. but hasn’t been in years. I’m missing a relationship that hasn’t existed in years. Maybe I’m a mess because my whole life just got flipped upside down and my future is so uncertain. Or maybe I’m a mess because he called me a few times both Sun and Mon because he was feeling sad and we actually talked, respected each other’s feeling and were compassionate to one and another.. but I haven’t heard from since yesterday morning when he seemed a little more upbeat. Maybe I’m sad because I feel like he doesn’t miss me. Maybe I’m angry that he is staying with his mom right now, where he doesn’t have to put on a fake smile, cook, clean and everything else and keep the house running for the kids. Maybe I’m jealous that he has more flexibility and time to grieve his feelings and spend time with friends and family. Maybe I’m feeling empty because I don’t feel needed or wanted anymore. Maybe it’s my ego feeling bruised because he is letting ME go! But mostly, I think I’m sad because I miss having someone. Each morning I have to wake up and remind myself that I am a single mom, that he is no longer coming home, that I have to struggle to make ends meet, I have to do all the household chores alone, I don’t have anyone calling to tell me they love me, I don’t have someone to help me support my home and girls. Then there’s the second guessing myself and wondering if I would’ve done things/handled things differently could we have had a better marriage. There’s also the major disappointment in myself for picking up smoking again after almost 11 months for being smoke-free. I just can’t stand being inside my own head right now. I’m tired of everyone telling me it will be ok. I know it will be. I know I just need to get through the hard stuff.. but I’m really struggling with my emotions right now and I am having a hard time staying positive. I’m having a hard time taking care of me. I haven’t eaten much in 5 days. I’m a wreck! Ugh.


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

I went through the same emotions 6 months ago when my life crumbled before me. It is the most painful experience of my life. You feel like you'll never be yourself again. My kids saw mom as a zombie for weeks and I had to continue my job as a middle school teacher. How I made it? Only God knows. Know that you are NOT alone. So many of us have gone through the same emotions and you'll get through it. Why? Because your girls will look at mom as a fighter and the one person where they will feel safe and secure. Don't be afraid to cry and grieve. You need to feel every emotion. After six months, I still wake up sad, depressed, and lonely. But each passing day gets easier, even with the bumps on the road. You can do it. 

If you can't fly
Run
If you can't run
Walk
If you can't walk
crawl
But whatever you do,
keep moving forward


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## billy baru (Sep 23, 2014)

firefairy, I am so sorry for what you're going through right now. Having the person that we thought would never ever hurt us suddenly do the equivalent of driving a stake through us is a life changing event, and it takes a lot of recovery time. I'm at 5 months past my Dday, and I can tell you, it gets a teeny tiny bit easier every day. Am I healed? Nope. But I will be, some day. So will you.

The things that helped me through the roughest patches were:

1. Eating right. Yeah, you think you're not hungry, but you'd be surprised when you make something ( or order out something) that you really enjoy. especially if it's something you didn't make when your SO was around, because they didn't like it. For me, it was artichokes. What's a favorite you haven't had?

2. Sleep. Simple, right? Sure.... not when your mind is going a million miles a hour one way, and your heart is limping along the other way. My first two weeks were really tough, I worked like crazy, ran 4-5 miles nightly, and would come home and stare at the ceiling wondering what in the he** I'd done wrong. Tylenol PM helped me. Don't take it for too long, but that little bit of help made the difference for me.

3. Excercise. There's a bunch of folks that could probably tell you about all the chemicals, etc. that your body releases when you excercise, I can just tell you that running ( and the afore mentioned Tylenol PM) did the trick. 

4. Support. Friends, family, kids, spiritual leaders, counselors, TAM, whatever. Getting things "off your chest" ( as it were) is cathartic. It helps.

5. Time. Lots of time.


Stay strong firefairy. 

BB


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I can’t even express how much everyone’s comments help me. Just knowing I’m not alone.. Just being reassured that my feelings are normal, help me get through another day. Sometimes I feel like such a weak weak girl! There are times I have to tell myself that it’s ok to feel ok. 

This morning when I woke up and replayed my story.. I added some things to it.. I am a single mom, I am no longer with my STBX, I am sad, but it’s ok, I am going to struggle but I will make it through, I don’t have anyone calling to tell me they love but.. but that’s ok. I tried to end every negative with a positive. I still felt sad.. but I was able to keep moving forward. 

I was trying to get use to not hearing for him and being ok with it when the phone rang. He told me he is having a hard time too and just trying to give me space. I think him and I will be able to be friends someday.. but I think I do need the space right now so that I can detach and learn to be alone. 

I have a lot of healing to do. I want to be whole again. Someday I want to be able to give someone all of me and not just broken pieces. 

So I need; eat, sleep, exercise, support and time! And I need to just keep crawling through it until I can walk, then run and I will eventually be able to fly again!! 


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