# Uplifting thread! How to fall back in LOVE again..



## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

I think TAM posters have alot of wisdom and beautiful experiences to share and I wish there were more positive and inspiring posts..

So, here goes.. Please can you share some of your stories of how you fell BACK in love with your spouses.

This is for all of us who feel things have gone stale. 
For those of us who feel we need to give it our all and try and make things better in our marriages. 
For those of us who want to feel the "in love" feeling again and for those of us who fear that it may be broken and won't come back again.

The text books answers are obvious; communicate your needs, share feelings and emotions, have a fulfilled life outside of the marriage etc but it would be lovely to hear real life stories of how you started FEELING again.

Thank-you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I can't say we ever had a "falling out of Love" going on in our marriage...though a little *APATHY* seeped in...I remember him coming home from work, and I'd just do my own thing.. wasn't really asking about his day too much... and at night, I was dumb enough to put the babies in bed with us... and he just let it go on.... 

I was putting my husband on the "back burner" ...after 6+ years of infertility (after our 1st son).... then going on to have one baby after another....another 5 in 9 yrs...I was just so overjoyed & Thankful for each little "arrow "









I didn't realize how I was allowing DAD to be in the shadows in some ways... we were still very close but NOT as close as he wanted/ craved..... he wanted more affection / holding and more







.... we were missing "*the Romance"* you might say but were always Best friends...

Coming off the heels of our last baby, an IUD, our oldest heading to College & my involvement in a difficult fight to keep a prison out of our small town...I think I needed a new focus... One could say a *Mid Life Crisis* woke me up , stirred my Dopamine levels for my husband....where I wanted to ravish him non stop....I hit my sexual Prime and he had to hold on for the ride.

Started here >> One night I stayed up scanning old photos .. (recently made one of those "Move Maker Videos" for son's Grad party).... this time I devoted it just for me & HIM.....in celebration of all of our yrs together (at that time 19 married - 27 total together) 

I picked a mushy love song >>>  This I Promise You by Ronan Keating ... 










Then ...time to play this back.....those words... all our memories before me....I suddenly felt a RUSH of emotions....the greatest yrs of our life......I sat there & just broke down.... thinking ......"







where was my head... my husband looked so HOT back then! ....where did all these yrs go!"...they slipped through our fingers like sand......I suddendly realized with an INTENSITY how I have been taking HIM for granted... taking "*US*' for granted.... .. I just wanted to reach in that screen & grab that young man ...hold him tight and never let go...

It was just what I needed to see what was right in front of me ...all along....Even my husband will say... it started THERE... 

He got up that morning for work - I never went to sleep.. I was a bit of a mess/ tears... but a very giddy mess.... what WAS (missing each other more than we should have been) - wasn't going to be [email protected]#$% 

I couldn't leave him alone..... my dopamine was mightily stirred in the wee hours of that night. I'd say my Test levels went up pretty high too....they say dopamine + Test = a recipe for "addiction" ... My husband became my cocaine. 

The Fun began... more flirting, teasing, affection.... planning Romantic vacations, playing sex games, acting like Love struck teens ...all the things I feel we missed (too busy with kids, projects, etc) ...we were LIVING..... Got a little WILD for a time, but we did it all together hand in hand.... It was like a steady high we kept reviving every day...every night. 

That was was 4 yrs ago now...and we're still riding those waves... I love being married.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I doubt if many people will have stories to tell. I don't have any of my own, for sure. 

But I can tell you about a guy I worked with who rushed from work every day because he wanted to be with his wife of 20+ years. I asked him about it and he said they'd been on the verge of divorce at one point and sought counseling from their pastor, who highlighted that they'd stopped making their marriage a priority. 

He said it woke both of them up and they have devoted themselves to having a great marriage every single day since then, and he wouldn't trade his marriage for the world. 

I've been applying that idea ever since, and it seems to make a huge difference in how I perceive and address things that come up.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Im a yo yo..So here goes..I have fallen in and out of love with my husband probably 100's of times in 30 years.He always somehow though has a way of cracking me up.And me him..Humor.If I had to say humor is our glue.

ACCEPTANCE was "gradual" and worth it.We know each other like a glove back of the hand cliche cliche..If I want his attention I take my shirt off and jiggle things around..if he wants mine he agrees with everything I say..

Its actually pretty stupid.But oh well here we are..In love .AGAIN!Who knows about tomorrow.He will find some way to "agree with me" I'm sure.And I will think of an excuse to take my shirt off.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

I love the stories I have seen so far. My husband and I have alot of major issues that have brought us to the brink of divorce more than once. 

Something he said the other night hit me. He was watching our littlest one (who isn't even talking) and he said "I didn't think I could love our kids this much. We should have another one. If you don't want to get pregnant we can adopt." (Now he's creeping up on 50 mind you. And this isn't the first time he's mentioned wanting another child. Then he went on...) "Our kids are so great because they have a great mother and we are all lucky to have you."

Now my husband is a charmer and often times words like that ring a little hollow like he's patronizing me. But this time, because I know that he would lay down his life for the kids and wants another one even at his age...it was the most validating thing he could say. Like he was telling me that he is willing to create another little life with _me_. That he wants to continue our life _together_. That this is the family he _wants_. That other wives would be _inferior_. I could feel a little ice in my heart melt away. Is that falling in love again? :scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, that's falling in love again.


TAke a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks guys for your inputs. Lot's of "awwwww" moments!

I note all posters on this thread are women and it makes me wonder if it's mostly women that initiate and men tend to mirror. Just a thought I had.

I know, when I'm happy, kind, caring, affectionate my husband tends to mirror me genuinely. He's often said that I dictate the tone of our marriage (hmmmmm)

The question is, when a marriage is in a delicate state, and when one realises practical gestures have to be made in order to build the blocks again, is it ok "to fake it till you make it"?

I mean, I know asking about his day and his latest deal will make him warm and show I'm taking an interest. This will most likely be recipricated. Similarly, I don't feel emotional connection to initiate sex but know the physical act will release endorphins that will make us both feel better. He in turn will feel desired, attracted and loved (even though that's not how I'm REALLY feeling).

Question is, should we just go through the motions in the hope that eventually we will actually start to WANT to do these things?

So far I've been waiting to feel genuine urges but they have been few and far between and probably leave him confused as I'm inconsistent.

When re-building a marriage must we force ourselves to follow the right steps despite not feeling like it? Or should we be true to ourselves and our spouses and only say and do things when we really MEAN it?

Ps. Thanks EleGirl. Will read the links now.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

empty3 said:


> Question is, should we just go through the motions in the hope that eventually we will actually start to WANT to do these things?
> 
> So far I've been waiting to feel genuine urges but they have been few and far between and probably leave him confused as I'm inconsistent.
> 
> When re-building a marriage must we force ourselves to follow the right steps despite not feeling like it? Or should we be true to ourselves and our spouses and only say and do things when we really MEAN it?


On this forum it's going to be rare when someone admits that deception is acceptable in a marriage. That's what you're asking really, isn't it? Motive and intent are the key. If you were asked whether you'd do anything to improve your marriage; would you do what it takes? If the answer is "Yes!" then, in my book a little deception/self deception is okay because of your intention.

Deception for selfish reasons - not good. A little bit of 'faking it to make it' when your marriage is in an inevitable valley; that's commitment.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

empty3 said:


> Thanks guys for your inputs. Lot's of "awwwww" moments!
> 
> I note all posters on this thread are women and it makes me wonder if it's mostly women that initiate and men tend to mirror. Just a thought I had.
> 
> ...


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

I think this thread is a great idea, there are so many sad threads that simply break my heart when I read about the pain so many people are in. 

My story of falling back in love with my H. I had over the years fallen out of love with him. He said that he had not with me. Of that I am not so sure. Our story is typical. 

Met when I was 21, he was 29. Moved in with him 4 months later. Married him 4 months after that. Pregnant with first child 8 months into the marriage. We did NOT have enough time for us to be a couple. I can see that now. We became parents and lost US. 

As the years went on we really stopped meeting each others needs in all of the most important ways. I truly was not in love with him anymore. We were just existing. We could go a year without sex then have unsatisfying, uncaring cold vanilla sex once then go another year. This went on for at least 6 years. 

I then got myself involved in an EA with an old high school boyfriend. The one I lost my virginity to. It never went physical as he lived very far away. My husband is not at all alpha, wasnt even fighting for me. He knew about the EA because I went to him and told him I wanted a divorce. I gave him the whole I Love you but Im not IN love with you anymore. 

I wasnt hiding the EA too much. He told me I was breaking his heart. When he said that to me, something broke inside of me. I couldnt eat, I couldnt sleep. And I couldnt articulate why this upset me so much. I then felt I owed it to him to try to make it work. I suggested we go to MC. He immediately agreed to this. It took a long time, from Sept to February to get to a better place. I slowly started unraveling sometime in November and in addition to MC started IC.

In early February I had a melt down. I wasnt happy in my life. I wanted to run away from him, the kids. I couldnt see a purpose in my life anymore. My kids were 17 & 20 years old and I was feeling like they didnt need me anymore. I couldnt see my future. I was feeling depressed, anxious and scared. Turning 44 soon, I am also getting off the pill so I can be properly tested by GYN for possible pre-menopausal symptoms. Basically she is going to test my hormone levels. I was really feeling like I was going through a MLC for the past 8 months. 

I found TAM, starting reading everything. Then started reading books. 1. Five Love Languages 2. I Love you but Im not in Love with you anymore 3. His Needs Her Needs 4. Getting the Love you want. All of these were suggested here on TAM, for that I will be forever grateful.

I had a break through. I was going to make it my mission to fall in love with my husband again. Someone on TAM had told me we can choose to fall in love with someone. I didnt believe it then but I do now. I chose to fall in love with him again and I did. The books I read were instrumental in helping me to first understand what went wrong and how to go about fixing it. My favorite by the way was "His Needs, Her Needs".

We will be married 22 years next month. I honestly have to say I feel like TAM saved my marriage and my sanity. We are still going to MC because I feel like it does help. We dont go as often as we used to though. 

My best piece of advice to anyone going through this is to just stay emotionally connected and dont let it go. Our sex life has never been better, of course with my recent hormonal surge it has certainly helped. I have become a HD woman. Who knew?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I've been here a long time as a member and mod. My journey is documented in the following thread. I made plenty of mistakes in the three and a half years our R took, but in the end it was all worth it. We came out of the other side a bit battered but better for the experience. My advice to the hurt spouses that are just now joining the forum for support and encouragement is that there may not be a quick recovery. It may take years to get the marriage back to a healthy level. But with time, the pain eases, the anxiety drops and the emotional roller coaster flat-lines into something that is much more manageable allowing you to focus on the next issue to tackle. Deal with it, then move to the next. You won't find magical answers in this thread, in fact you will find things that fly in the face of some of the advice commonly given in TAM. Look at all the options and opinions offered here on TAM and apply the ones that seem to address your situation. But don't discount the ones that go contrary to what your heart and mind are telling you. Those might just be the ones that see you through it all. Emotions aren't always logical and logic isn't always the correct path. Prepare for the long haul, strap yourself in and don't leave anything in the tank. Good luck.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/1383-when-enough-enough.html


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

What helps me to stay in love is to simply pay attention, notice him, and focus on his positives whenever I can. Things like:

Noticing when he does something for me and telling or showing my appreciation. Also noticing when he does something nice for a friend or his mother - I really appreciate that he's a caring and thoughtful person and say so.

Noticing how good he looks wearing that shirt and telling him so. 

Noticing when he does something handy like fixing the car or trimming the trees, and telling him how lucky I am to have such a handy man in my life.

Noticing when he automatically does something for my benefit, like changing his schedule or our plans.

Every time I notice, it makes me feel good about him and reminds me how much I do appreciate him. I am essentially reminding myself every day of his good qualities and all the things I fell in love with about him.

Every time I tell him so, it brings us closer together and makes him feel good about me and about "us" so it turns into a nice cycle of admiration and feeling good about each other. 

Conversely, I try to minimize my snarky self and turn down any negative thoughts instead of dwelling. I remind myself that I am far from perfect and would hate it if he only focused on my imperfections in his mind.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

LoriC,

It seems after your meltdown you had a choice about which way to go. Either end your marriage and work on it. You decided to work on it and it all worked out. Did you decide to work on it cos you loved your husband? What was your motivation to fall back in love with him again? How does a couple stay emotionally connected? by sharing feelings and being honest about things? What if one person is slower at doing this than the other? I am much more verbal and articulate about my feelings. I feel massively frustrated when he doesn't share as much as me. This builds into resentment and anger, but like you, I have learnt alot from TAM. Mainly that not everyone deals with things like ME and that I should not try to control HIS way of bonding and emotionally connecting. That piece of advice has helped alot. I know he's doing his best.

One other majot thing I need to work on is PATIENCE. You ladies all seem to have understood that re-building a marriage is not going to happen over-night. It takes time and hard-work.

Fledgling,

I love my husband logically and I care deeply about him always BUT the feeling of passion and desire is intermittent. Admitedly, I am just out of the FOG but I am determined to build it up again. I had it before and I will do my best to get it back again. I just wish he'd talk to me. I'm being patient as he seems to be absorbing stuff and I feel confident he will come round when he's ready.

Norajane,
Great points. lately I've been noticing how he does things for my family or how he agrees to watch chick flicks and how he comes home early from work. I really believe this is all in reation to me and my manner. I've calmed down a lot. Not so critical and moody. Trying very hard to be the person he WANTS to come home to.

It's a matter of the head meeting up with the heart.. I know it can happen..


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Yes, I chose to make my marriage work because I did love him. The romantic love was gone but this man has been my family for nearly 22 years, the father of my children. I needed to get that desire for him back again if we had any chance. I also decided if I could not fall in love with him again that we would definitely divorce. Life is just too Short to be in the place we were in for too many years. 

Communication was key I found. We opened up and talked about everything. Expressed to each other what we needed from one another. The communication was so good it followed us into the bedroom. I couldn't believe the things we learned about each other in that dept. that we never knew before. 

Keeping intimacy and the emotional connection is something we still work on every day. One way we stay connected with each other is by taking a bath together once a week with a bottle of wine and candles. We sit in the tub for up to two hours just talking and reconnecting. It is something we look so forward to! And we NEVER miss a week.

We have sex at least 5 times a week, still connecting. We spend time walking, holding hands. We have made each other a priority. Throughout our busy work days he always makes time to call me at lunch, we text each other during the day. Sometimes the texts are really dirty. I will text him about what I'm going to do to him later etc. 

Honestly I cannot believe it some days when I wake up what we went through to get here. Had we just put the effort in years ago, but I am a firm believer that sometimes you have to go through some tough times to get to the best of them.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

LoriC said:


> Yes, I chose to make my marriage work because I did love him. The romantic love was gone but this man has been my family for nearly 22 years, the father of my children. I needed to get that desire for him back again if we had any chance. I also decided if I could not fall in love with him again that we would definitely divorce. Life is just too Short to be in the place we were in for too many years.
> 
> Communication was key I found. We opened up and talked about everything. Expressed to each other what we needed from one another. The communication was so good it followed us into the bedroom. I couldn't believe the things we learned about each other in that dept. that we never knew before.
> 
> ...


The thing that stands out the most here is effort levels. Sounds like you both put in same effort levels and are supporting and understanding.

Also, I'm sure it helps that your kids are much older and that you both have actual time for eachother. Our kids are pre-schoolers and if we're not careful we barely talk about anything but them and are constantly busy with them, which we love, but often means we're too tired for eachother.

We have decided to start date-nights again. I always thought they were so cliche but maybe I was wrong.

I even have a very supportive family who would have the kids for the night, so I'm thinking i'll plan something different and unusual for us for our next date night.

These things used to be so natural and easy before, no effort was ever required and now I feel more of a conscious effeort has to be put in. But that's marriage I guess. It's worth the hard work (and this is confirmed by longtimers1)

Sexy date night ideas???


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

empty3 said:


> Thanks guys for your inputs. Lot's of "awwwww" moments!
> 
> I note all posters on this thread are women and it makes me wonder if it's mostly women that initiate and men tend to mirror. Just a thought I had.
> 
> ...


Reason you don't hear from men/husbands... we don't fall put of love with the woman we married typically. No matter the hell they put us through.

Women do.

Men simply wait.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Reason you don't hear from men/husbands... we don't fall put of love with the woman we married typically. No matter the hell they put us through.
> 
> Women do.
> 
> Men simply wait.


Not all men. I'm the one that brings issues to the forefront. My wife doesn't like to deal with issues and has a tendency to want to sweep them under the rug. (She's getting better)

In my world we have hardwood and no rugs. I want crap dealt with asap! It will just fester, if given time. No thanks...


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

T&T said:


> Not all men. I'm the one that brings issues to the forefront. My wife doesn't like to deal with issues and has a tendency to want to sweep them under the rug. (She's getting better)
> 
> In my world we have hardwood and no rugs. I want crap dealt with asap! It will just fester, if given time. No thanks...


I would say you are perhaps in the minority and would agree more with tryingtofigure. I believe most men do wait it out in the hope that the woman/wife might snap out of it. At least I think that's what my H often thinks.

Also, from alot of what I see and read, men do mirror women.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Reason you don't hear from men/husbands... we don't fall put of love with the woman we married typically. No matter the hell they put us through.
> 
> Women do.
> 
> Men simply wait.


I think you're right about this. My husband told me he never fell out of love with me. And yes I definitely put him through hell and yes he did simply wait.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

empty3 said:


> I would say you are perhaps in the minority and would agree more with tryingtofigure. I believe most men do wait it out in the hope that the woman/wife might snap out of it. At least I think that's what my H often thinks.
> 
> Also, from alot of what I see and read, men do mirror women.


I would agree, but I'm a person that is very open, opinionated, a fixer and want things dealt with now. In other words, a type A personality.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> "Our kids are so great because they have a great mother and we are all lucky to have you."


That is like winning the Nobel Peace prize!!!!:smthumbup:


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Also, from alot of what I see and read, men do mirror women.


And that's ironic considering women are supposed to be "weaker" and the man is the "head of the household"..in ours and many cultures "in general".

In a "perfect world" we would rise to the call to be the "one to set the tone" for each other at the various times to lift the other one up.I personally don't wan the responsibility to "set the tone".That's not only exhausting but you have to carry to much "guilt".IOW "be the cause" .


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

After you have been with someone for a while, you stop looking at them. Sure, you recognize them, you could pick them out in a line up, but you don't actually gaze on them, look in their eyes etc.

I started doing that recently with my husband, I am actually looking in his eyes, looking at the features on his face & body. This helps me greatly to find those loving feelings, and I have also noticed he is doing the same with me now. He comments on the colour of my eyes as they change frequently and he had not done that for years.

If you feel like you are becoming complacent with your spouse, take a look at them again, rediscover what it was that made you fall for them the first time.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> And that's ironic considering women are supposed to be "weaker" and the man is the "head of the household"..in ours and many cultures "in general".
> 
> In a "perfect world" we would rise to the call to be the "one to set the tone" for each other at the various times to lift the other one up.I personally don't wan the responsibility to "set the tone".That's not only exhausting but you have to carry to much "guilt".IOW "be the cause" .


It's exhausting and I feel like I'm under alot of pressure all the time. When I'm in a good place all is well, but when I'm struggling I'm criticised for being whiney and complainy and that's why he switches "off". Perhaps this is a common dynamic?

I think my H (probably like a lot of H's?) thinks that him "letting me be" or finding solutions is the best way of supporting me in a crisis, when actually I'm seeking comfort and validation.

It all comes down to that very basic, fundamental act of communicating what you need AND THEN being realistic to what you can expect.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

Bellavista said:


> After you have been with someone for a while, you stop looking at them. Sure, you recognize them, you could pick them out in a line up, but you don't actually gaze on them, look in their eyes etc.
> 
> I started doing that recently with my husband, I am actually looking in his eyes, looking at the features on his face & body. This helps me greatly to find those loving feelings, and I have also noticed he is doing the same with me now. He comments on the colour of my eyes as they change frequently and he had not done that for years.
> 
> If you feel like you are becoming complacent with your spouse, take a look at them again, rediscover what it was that made you fall for them the first time.


I love this! Thank-you.


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