# How To Live With Ongoing Issues and Not Be So Angry?



## Ira (Dec 19, 2010)

My DH is not going to change. After 13 yrs I finally am accepting this. Well Ok not accepting but realizing is more like it.

A very brief background:

He will not do anything for me. By anything I mean anything! If some how he is in a situation where he is forced to do me a favor ( like my hands are full and I need him to grab something for me ) he throws things, swears and in general is a real but. He works ( as do I ) and once he is home he is DONE! Thankfully we don't have any children living at home anymore.

He also will not hear me, litterly! He himself told me I am white noise to him. Meaning he tunes me out.

He will not take care of me in any way. If I am sick or anything I am on my own. I had to go to the ER late one night. He had a fit but finally took me. We found out I needed emergency surgery. He left and went home, leaving me there alone. He picked me up for discharge 3 days later.

I have many many reasons I won't divorce him, but that is not my point in posting this, so I won't explain them.

My point in posting is this. Ok so I finally realize he will always be like this. How do I not stay "issed off" all the time ?

I am just so very angry inside. I know that is not healthy in any way for me.

I also know I am not the only women married to a person like this. So I am hoping that some of you ladies can share with me how you handle your emotions, hurt, lonely but especially anger.

I don't want to feel like this forever


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Since you have said it is not possible for you to leave him, I have to approach it in a different way! 

It is very disappointing of what he did. 

It is futile for me to say maybe try doing something nice for him and you might warm his heart. Because after being this disappointed by a man like this, it is just difficult for us to be nice.

He is so haughty right now because he is healthy and he doesn't need your care! One day if he is old and sick and you are very nice to him, I think he might have tears on his face. Or I might be wrong!


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## Ira (Dec 19, 2010)

yes he has been ill or injured several times over the years and i use to take care of him. Not any more. I know it is wrong but i just am not that good of a person to take care of him when he treats me like he does. I would think/hope if he got something serious I would handle it better then I do basic illnesses now.

But the point of my post is about ME. I don't want to feel angry like this all the time. It is a horrible feeling 

any tips on me being able to release the anger?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Ira said:


> yes he has been ill or injured several times over the years and i use to take care of him. Not any more. I know it is wrong but i just am not that good of a person to take care of him when he treats me like he does. I would think/hope if he got something serious I would handle it better then I do basic illnesses now.
> 
> But the point of my post is about ME. I don't want to feel angry like this all the time. It is a horrible feeling
> 
> any tips on me being able to release the anger?


I read Buddhism books! I don't know if you can find it in English! I have a lot of good books in Chinese, they teach us how to let go of things in life. 

Please do a search about it!


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## tiffersm (Apr 15, 2011)

Time to start treating him like a roommate then! Move into a different room and start your own life. Make it about you! Start doing things for you and taking care of yourself. Spend more time with friends. Just act like a single girl who isn't looking to date. I wouldn't condone cheating, personally, but you _can_ live your own life. Don't look to him for anything and find other ways to add to your life. Best of luck!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Sorry my dear, but the real question should be "why do I allow myself to be mistreated." If a woman with children can leave a husband who beats her, you can certainly leave this prick.
You said it yourself that it is not healthy. Do you think you deserve to feel bad all the time? Yes, it's hard to start over, but it is possible. Go to IC and work on your self esteem. Looking for ways to accept abuse is a huge red flag about how you feel about yourself. I can tell you from experience that abusers cut us down so much, we end up believing that we don't deserve any better.
He doesn't even care if you're sick! What kind of father was he??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

Since you can't divorce, you will need to go on strike...no cooking for him. No shopping for him. No cleaning for him. No paying bills for him. No favors for him. Write down exactly why you are going on strike and add to this list as you continue to think of ideas. When he confronts you for "neglecting" his needs, you will have a detailed list that you can refer too. Be sure to also include a wish list of what you would like to see, what he can do to break the strike and make the relationship more functional. If you are doing favors and chores for him while he does nothing for you, then you are enabling his behavior.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

This man is clearly a psychological abuser. He demeans and belittles you to the point where you think there is no way you can leave someone who treats you like this. You need to find your own empowerment and at the very least get personal counseling if not a MC. You need to know that you are worth better and to expect better. Self respect is so important! What if you had died because you did NOT get to that emergency surgery? He was throwing a fit over you getting essential medical care when you were in (assumed) chronic pain. What kind of a husband is that? I really really really really REALLY hope you get the help you need to get out, or at least start the cycle of empowerment and building on your individual strengths and joys.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

AvaTara539 said:


> This man is clearly a psychological abuser. He demeans and belittles you to the point where you think there is no way you can leave someone who treats you like this. You need to find your own empowerment and at the very least get personal counseling if not a MC. You need to know that you are worth better and to expect better. Self respect is so important! What if you had died because you did NOT get to that emergency surgery? He was throwing a fit over you getting essential medical care when you were in (assumed) chronic pain. What kind of a husband is that? I really really really really REALLY hope you get the help you need to get out, or at least start the cycle of empowerment and building on your individual strengths and joys.


:iagree::iagree:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

My solution to your anger is to let go of your fear of leaving his azzzz. Think about it, he is like a abscess on your life, if you incised and drained you would be cured. The initial cut will be the most painful but you will not get rid of the toxins with out the initial pain. 

Deal with your fear not yor anger, your anger is justified, it like a fever it is warning you that you are being exposed to a toxic person. Perhaps you are getting something out if the relationship! To have someone around to complain about?? To look like a martyr to friends and family?? To have something tragic to reveal in your life. 

Just saying. Your unhappiness is voluntary I think, you don't really need help Dorothy, you have your ruby shoes. You only get one pair, though so, use them before you wear out the sole.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## e.dawne (Mar 7, 2011)

dear ira- i get how you feel. anger mixed with resentment. i think the thing that worked a lot for me was reading byron katie books. she says to stop worrying- "you are where you are and until you change that, you have to accept where you are, not where you want to be." or soemthing like that, lol. and thats what it is our anger is driven out of the force that we SHOULDNT be treated like this. (and really in most cases we should be) but if you have to stay {i do as well, in a very young family with lots of personal debt, little help and little job prospects} you have to start excepting where you are. with the anger its not him its how YOU REACT to him. try reading some of her books-they focus on love and relationships. also try to be gentle with yourself, start making YOUR life better, something that makes you smile and makes your life better even though you are in a crappy situation. i hope this helps. GOOD LUCK!!


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