# self conscious about sex with my husband



## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

I need some advice. The last three years my husband has been deployed on and off. He recently was home for three months, finally some quality time together.

One night I found myself wanting hot sex. I wanted it to be wild, crazy, fun, whatever you want to call it. So, I go for it....minutes into it he asks me a question. 

What are you up to? It totally killed the mood for me and I completely shut down. He then followed by...Are you trying to get pregnant? That was it for me after that. I was so embarrassed! 

We've been married for 6 years and 2 children together. If he was so worried about it, why didn't he wrap it?

He says he made a mistake and didn't know what he was thinking. Ok, I get it, but now it is so hard for me to want him that way. I just feel so self-conscious more then ever. 

I have very low self esteem, I weight 137lbs and am 5'2. I'm 32 years old and really working on my weight. I recently lost 45lbs and still going. 

He tells me I'm beautiful, says a lot of nice things. He's a good guy, it's just not there anymore. I'm worried. 

Thanks for the feedback in advance.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

wife1981 said:


> We've been married for 6 years and 2 children together. If he was so worried about it, why didn't he wrap it?


Don't you think birth control is the responsibility of both parties?


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## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

yes, I do. We spoke about a third child and both decided if it happens it happens. But we weren't going to "try" just let it happen. So, I don't know why this was a concern.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

He knows you have low shelf esteem and also knows you are working very hard on losing weight, congrats on the weight loss, he is probably thinking right now wouldn't be the greatest time for you to get pregnant again.
By your own account your husband is a good man. He put his foot in his mouth, not uncommon, have a honest conversation about it with him and how it made you feel.
Are in IC to deal with your low self esteem?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

He apologized to you for what he said. That's an honorable thing. I think you should let it go. We all say or do things we regret. Forgive him. Have a long talk about sex away from your children. You and DH have a very delicate situation as he is away from home from time to time. This means you really have to talk more about how to readjust to each other's sexual needs. DONT BE EMBARRASSED!

It's up to YOU to get your groove back. You can do it!


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## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

richie33 said:


> He knows you have low shelf esteem and also knows you are working very hard on losing weight, congrats on the weight loss, he is probably thinking right now wouldn't be the greatest time for you to get pregnant again.
> By your own account your husband is a good man. He put his foot in his mouth, not uncommon, have a honest conversation about it with him and how it made you feel.
> Are in IC to deal with your low self esteem?


No I'm not and I probably should be. He is a great man he really is.


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## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

over20 said:


> He apologized to you for what he said. That's an honorable thing. I think you should let it go. We all say or do things we regret. Forgive him. Have a long talk about sex away from your children. You and DH have a very delicate situation as he is away from home from time to time. This means you really have to talk more about how to readjust to each other's sexual needs. DONT BE EMBARRASSED!
> 
> It's up to YOU to get your groove back. You can do it!


Thanks I appreciate your feedback. It's not that I don't forgive him. I really am not like that to hold things against him or anyone for that matter. I've tried to open up I just can't get myself to. 

I continue to try. He's deployed again til April and I'm already worried.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Don't beat yourself up. Talk to him. Just explain to him how you have been feeling, what you were expecting from that night, that his words affected you, that you know he didn't mean anything bad by it. 
Most men hear that their wives want crazy, wild sex with them will move mountains to make it happen.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I think he was just probably not used to you behaving that way and was caught off guard. Not knowing his surprise turning into cause seeking ruined a hot night of sex for him!

My husband travels a lot and I know it's difficult to get in a physical groove sometimes. It takes effort to establish that emotional and physical connection that others who see each other daily might take for granted.

If you aren't typically aggressive sexually it becomes easy to stay in the passive role, where there is no threat of rejection or embarrassment. 

Th most difficult lesson I've had to learn in the past year is that husbands cant read minds, regardless of how long we have been together. The only way to remedy this issue with him is through conversation about what happened and how you felt and what you would like your sex life to be like. 

Also your self esteem is on you (another life lesson.) You can feel like a sexy, beautiful woman at any weight and age. It's a choice. Confidence is a choice, not a number on the scale.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

wife1981 said:


> Thanks I appreciate your feedback. It's not that I don't forgive him. I really am not like that to hold things against him or anyone for that matter. I've tried to open up I just can't get myself to.


Consider that these things are not consistent. So you are still holding it against him on some level. 



> I continue to try. He's deployed again til April and I'm already worried.


I agree that he was very likely surprised that you were as aggressive as you were. My wife has surprised me as well. While I role with it now, I did not always. Talk with him about it.


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## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Consider that these things are not consistent. So you are still holding it against him on some level.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree that he was very likely surprised that you were as aggressive as you were. My wife has surprised me as well. While I role with it now, I did not always. Talk with him about it.


You might be right, maybe I am. I don't want to hold it against him. But being uncomfortable is something I've been struggling with, and so this just made it even more uncomfortable. I hate it, and I really am trying to be better. I did talk to him about it many times. I really don't want to talk to him about it anymore, bc I don't want to make him feel bad. So that's why I'm here. Something so simple seems to difficult right now.


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## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I think he was just probably not used to you behaving that way and was caught off guard. Not knowing his surprise turning into cause seeking ruined a hot night of sex for him!
> 
> My husband travels a lot and I know it's difficult to get in a physical groove sometimes. It takes effort to establish that emotional and physical connection that others who see each other daily might take for granted.
> 
> ...


That is something I am learning, it's up to me to have good self esteem. I do feel better about myself since losing the weight, but still I feel like there is so much to do to get there. 

See my husband and I met online 10 years ago. It was suppose to be a haha joke....the aol chat back in the day. Who knew years later we would be married with two children. 

We had a long distance "physical relationship" for over 5 years before we decided to get serious. It wasn't until we became a couple where I noticed my insecurities. 

Some are because of things that he said and some are bc of me. BC I let myself go and having two kids didn't help. 

Since we started deployments three years ago, we grew apart. We expected to a little, being apart so much. But, we both didn't expect to be where we are today in our marriage. 
That is a different story and a long one. Thanks I appreciate your input.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Don't confuse the issues with deployment stress....we both got pretty horny during deployments....I concur with everybody else, and add this....you can't get shot down once and quit....you can't expect to be in synch 24/7 especially with deployments. That's why they makes us go to those damn post deployment reunite classes!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

wife1981 said:


> You might be right, maybe I am. I don't want to hold it against him. But being uncomfortable is something I've been struggling with, and so this just made it even more uncomfortable. I hate it, and I really am trying to be better.


Please know that I did not mean it as an accusation. Rather, noting it so that you can address it head on.



> I did talk to him about it many times. I really don't want to talk to him about it anymore, bc I don't want to make him feel bad. So that's why I'm here. Something so simple seems to difficult right now.


One thing that works with my wife and I is dropping into different roles with each other. She will joke about visiting her boy toy and me visiting my mistress. That is her way of letting me know that she wants it rougher, wilder and overall less lovey-dovey. It gives her a chance to be more wanton, while also giving me a heads up on what to expect. It has really worked for us.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Don't be too hard on yourself, OP. Low self-esteem is common in women.

I am actually feeling a lot more secure the more time I spend on TAM. Here you see all different kinds of people. You realize you don't do some things as well as some, but you do some things better. We are all a mix.

In regular society, we don't get to see the warts. And advertising makes us feel like total failures.

Try to love yourself just the way you are.  And keep working on the things you want to change. You'll get there.


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## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Please know that I did not mean it as an accusation. Rather, noting it so that you can address it head on.
> 
> 
> 
> One thing that works with my wife and I is dropping into different roles with each other. She will joke about visiting her boy toy and me visiting my mistress. That is her way of letting me know that she wants it rougher, wilder and overall less lovey-dovey. It gives her a chance to be more wanton, while also giving me a heads up on what to expect. It has really worked for us.


Actually I like your advice, maybe it would be fun to joke around about it again. Drop hints. I know you didn't mean it as an accusation, it's good advice. Thank you


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Don't underestimate the mom syndrome, where your H sees you as a mom, wants to respect you, is afraid of offending you, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

A bell once rung cannot be unrung. You cannot unhear what you heard.

Tell your husband what you have posted here. Tell him how his comment, made at the wrong time, has made you feel foolish and self conscious about letting yourself go during sex. Tell him what you need from him in order to get rid of those hindering thoughts! 

Do you need extra compliments, do you need extra attention? Whatever it is, it's okay to need that, so just tell him so he can give it to you. Remember, men are kinda dumb... Except the men of TAM!!!!

At the same time, YOU have to replace those negative thoughts in your head! This is your responsibility. Each time you find yourself thinking disparaging thoughts, shake your head, stamp your foot and remember all the times your husband has told you he loves you, has told you how beautiful you are, and has made you feel loved. This is your job, no one but you can do this.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Just being honest here, but if you pulled the wild chick card on me after deployment...and you had never done it before... I wouldn't wonder what you were getting up to, I'd wonder what you HAD GOTTEN up to. And cutting it off afterwords would do nothing but reinforce my suspicion.


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## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Just being honest here, but if you pulled the wild chick card on me after deployment...and you had never done it before... I wouldn't wonder what you were getting up to, I'd wonder what you HAD GOTTEN up to. And cutting it off afterwords would do nothing but reinforce my suspicion.


Okay fair enough, you are entitled to your own opinion. I'll tell you what I've been up to these last three years. I got pregnant two weeks before my husband deployed. Went through a terrible pregnancy, but with prayer I have a very healthy 2.5 year old boy. Husband was home for 6 months and I got pregnant again, was in a car accident and since that day I went into labor 6 times before they could not stop her from coming early. Both children were preemie, but I thank God everyday that today they are both healthy and happy. I've stayed at home while he's been deployed, with my children so I don't have to send them to daycare. They are now 1 year and 4 months and 2 years and 5 months. Like every parent, I've spent nights rocking these kids to sleep, kissing every boo boo, teaching them, reading to them, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, taking them for play dates, etc. I don't have time to cheat on my husband, nor do I plan on it. I have more respect for my husband. That's what I've been up to these last 3 years. I love every minute of it, but it's the hardest thing I've been "up to" in my entire life. I didn't say that I never was wild with my husband in bed before, things have changed that is all. I don't worry about my husband cheating, same goes for him.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Just being honest here, but if you pulled the wild chick card on me after deployment...and you had never done it before... I wouldn't wonder what you were getting up to, I'd wonder what you HAD GOTTEN up to. And cutting it off afterwords would do nothing but reinforce my suspicion.


That's kind of sad you think that way, I wonder why that's what would come to your mind? But at least you're honest about it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Well it just wouldn't add up in the case of my wife. She's just not that imaginative so if she pulls a new trick out of her hat I'm going to wonder how she came up with it. Cheating isn't the only possible answer though. That's why I never mentioned it specifically. FSOG was a great source of ideas for a short while. But then I knew she was reading it.


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## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

I hope she didn't cheat on you, and I will admit reading your post ticked me off. I'm so tired of being compared to that. Some people have morals, I get it, it happens. Honestly, most of my friends cheated on their partner, and if they didn't their partner did. It's sad that marriage has been taken for granted by many. I grew up seeing my parents argue, a lot. I also saw them work it out every time. I didn't mean to sound *****y, I know I did. I've been working hard, here at home. I know he is working hard, such a miserable place to be. In the middle of some sand box, being attacked constantly. I'd be on a different forum if that was the case.


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## spanz (Feb 6, 2014)

man you guys are either way overanalyzing this, or just plain paranoid. If my wife suddenly got twice as sexy and horny, I would go out, face Mecca, and proceed to pray!

If he is suspicious on where you learned this stuff, just leave a few copies of cosmopolitan and 50 shades of gray on the coffee table. Just point at those and say "I like to read".

LOL


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Doesn't sound like anything is wrong with that. Sorry it leaves you self conscious though. He apologized, he was probably sincerely curious if you were all over him because you wanted him to loss control (possibly making a mistake and having an orgasm inside you).

It's a compliment if anything. It shows you were doing such a good job he was worried he'd lose control. I know for me, the hotter sex was, the more I just wanted to leave my seeds insidef this beautiful woman of mine and make her have my babies. Of course it wasn't the greatest thought in the world, but when men our horny we think of the most outrageous stuff (right up until we orgasm, then we regret half the things we said and leaving our wives dripping wet).

Me and my wife have this problem "fixed", but sometimes in hot and heavy moments, we will still talk about getting her pregnant and leaving my seeds in her. It makes sex much more intimate.

Anyway, take it as a compliment. Apparently you were rocking his world and he got a bit worried he would lose control.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Two things to remember...

First, a guy's foot is never far from his mouth. That's why he puts it in there so often.

Second, and at least for me, I don't see my wife as having a few extra pounds. The emotional connection far outweighs (no pun intended) any physical connection. I'm guessing that's the case with a lot of married guys.

Go jump his bones again.


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## NaomiSays (Feb 10, 2014)

PUT IT ON PAPER! I've counseled many women like yourself with self esteem concerns. It is hard to put into words the exact feeling you are trying to express. It is easier to grab a notebook, pour your heart out (no proof reading/revising) seal it and leave it in his vehicle. Sound crazy I know, but that allows him to have a clearer understanding of your feelings and it will give him the opportunity to open up to you and help build your confidence. Reading the comments and posts lets me know he truly loves you and would not intentionally hurt you. Trust and communication is the key to foreplay. It's great to see trust is not a problem because it's the hardest to fix. Communication becomes easier when your spouse understands your feelings and insecurities. Don't be bashful when you write. Remember this is the man that vowed to be there for you no matter what. Communicate to him how you need his help to make you feel like the strong women he thinks you are. 
I've babbled enough... I wish you the best of luck and know that when two spirits can come together as one before the thought of sex, the act of sex becomes one happy spirit.


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## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

Thank you! Everyone's advice has really helped. I'm not as worried about it anymore.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

1981 - how is your sex life in general?

The reason I ask is because I am in a sexless marriage and my wife has NEVER given me oral of any kind whatosver.

If, out of the blue she suddenly went down on me, my initial gut reaction would be 'WTF?'....not 'WTF wow at last' but WTF whoa! Get off! What the hell is all this about?

Maybe that was why your husband reacted the way he did...because he was totally taken aback by your 'uncharacteristic' behaviour...????...????


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'd be a wealthy carefree gal if I received payment every time my husband stuck his foot in his mouth and killed the moment. Is your husband very routine dependent? Do slight changes in the marriage throw him off? 

In regard to your self esteem,it's awesome you're losing weight but you need to make sure that your confidence in yourself is an internal thing. We all grow old.We all sag at some point.But what you have on the inside is what's going to last you forever. While you're cultivating your outside beauty,try to also cultivate your inside beauty. learn something new.get a positive mantra and meditate as often as you can. Focus on the tiniest things around you and be grateful for that stuff.

Those are the things that will make you feel beautiful. Losing weight is healthy but shouldn't be used as a the sole tool for higher self esteem.


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## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

askari said:


> 1981 - how is your sex life in general?
> 
> The reason I ask is because I am in a sexless marriage and my wife has NEVER given me oral of any kind whatosver.
> 
> ...


Our sex life is good. It wasn't anything new, nothing I haven't done before. But he was gone for 8 months straight, maybe that's why he was surprised? I don't mind the oral but I don't care to do it every time. 

Why do you think your wife doesn't want to perform oral?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

wife1981 said:


> Thanks I appreciate your feedback. It's not that I don't forgive him. I really am not like that to hold things against him or anyone for that matter. I've tried to open up I just can't get myself to.
> 
> I continue to try. He's deployed again til April and I'm already worried.


In a marriage change is possible and most of the time, it's for the best. This is a time of growth for you as a wife and woman. A wise woman will realize this and embrace it to change for the better. While he is away do a lot of reading and learning how to strengthen yourself in this area. Marriage is a lot of hard work, but it is so well worth the reward!!

Good Luck!!:smthumbup:


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