# A Man's Insight is Needed



## Bentiwmdl35 (Oct 25, 2011)

I've only been married for 3 years. In that 3 years I have caught my husband on multiple occasions answering personal ads on craigslist. Has he done anything physical? He says no, and based on availablility of time to cheat I tend to believe him. 

At this point I have changed so much, including losing 60lbs, dressing up every day and being there all for him. I don't work, I cook clean etc. At the expense of my own self, I admit, but I'm not so bothered by that. Here's what bothers me. I know I will never trust him again. I still feel compelled to spy on his computer and I question everything he does on the internet. And, he still hides everything he does from me. He says this is because of his parents being so intrusive when he was growing up that he just has a huge need for privacy. This obviously does not make for a happy marriage.

And, he refuses to go to counseling. I do love him though, and I want to stay with him. But, there is a part of me that also wants to get revenge on him. I feel like unless he's in my shoes, he can't understand why I'm hurt. Like, as long as it's not physical, he's not cheating. So, men, I ask you. Can he truly change or is it likely that he will still betray me? And does his refusal to go to counseling and continuous hiding his internet from me mean he's still messing around? If he is, I know it's only a matter of time before he crosses that physical line. Thanks in advance.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Everyone is CAPABLE of change. But change usually requires incentive or a realization of a need to change. He doesn't have one. You've caught him and he really didn't get any consequences.

Revenge may make you feel better, that will be very short-lived. And it won't make him change and it certainly won't make things better. 

I applaud your efforts (losing weight, dressing up) for him - but that won't change him. And don't do those things for him, do them for yourself. 

I believe (just me personally), that you can't sustain a relationship without trust. So if you will never trust him (and I think that's the right call), then you should start planning a way out.


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

He is going to have to want to change. However you do have the right to know if he is cheating or doing things harmful to your marriage. Are you computer Savvy at all? There are things like keyloggers that will record keystrokes, check his history, his email if you can, etc. Try to do this without him knowing because I am sure it would just cause an issue. 

Now saying that I would never ask anyone to spy on their spouse, UNLESS they have concrete reason, and because you have already caught him being dishonest, it is your right to know what he is doing because in reality he is hurting you and you deserve to not take that abuse. 

People really have to want to change and I do commend you on your efforts. I personally would never even consider doing something like this to my wife, I am of the firm belief that if I desire sex or emotion outside of our marriage she needs to know about it, and I would leave before I ever cheated on her, this is just a respect thing and it sounds like your husband really does not have a whole lot of respect for you. 

How do you treat him? Are you smothering to him? Are you pretty independent or do you typically count on him for your source of entertainment?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

The real question is can you afford to chance it? If he is cheating around and hooking up with people on Craigslist what are the odds he will get a disease or something and pass it on. 

I don't want to break up a marriage here, but you do need to be careful and somehow put your foot down and either end this or the marriage if he won't seek counseling or allow you to monitor him on the computer somehow. Yeah you don't trust him because you caught him.
You earn trust just like you can lose it.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Bentiwmdl35 said:


> I've only been married for 3 years. In that 3 years I have caught my husband on multiple occasions answering personal ads on craigslist. Has he done anything physical? He says no, and based on availablility of time to cheat I tend to believe him.
> 
> At this point I have changed so much, including losing 60lbs, dressing up every day and being there all for him. I don't work, I cook clean etc. At the expense of my own self, I admit, but I'm not so bothered by that. Here's what bothers me. I know I will never trust him again. I still feel compelled to spy on his computer and I question everything he does on the internet. And, he still hides everything he does from me. He says this is because of his parents being so intrusive when he was growing up that he just has a huge need for privacy. This obviously does not make for a happy marriage.
> 
> And, he refuses to go to counseling. I do love him though, and I want to stay with him. But, there is a part of me that also wants to get revenge on him. I feel like unless he's in my shoes, he can't understand why I'm hurt. Like, as long as it's not physical, he's not cheating. So, men, I ask you. Can he truly change or is it likely that he will still betray me? And does his refusal to go to counseling and continuous hiding his internet from me mean he's still messing around? If he is, I know it's only a matter of time before he crosses that physical line. Thanks in advance.


He's already cheating... physical or otherwise doesn't matter. He's crossed that boundary in his head already. If he had found someone, or twenty people, who accepted it would already be physical.

People can change. He doesn't recognize any issue, thus won't change.

The "huge need for privacy" sounds like a bs defense to me. He just doesn't want you to know he's seeking a hookup. Don't buy that for a second. Your trust is violated. Don't trust him. And yes, he's still messing around on the internet.

You have no reason to trust his demands for privacy. Find out his intentions and don't let him give you some mushy answer. Ask him why he's looking, what does he want? Does he think he can do better? Does he want an affair? What is he not getting at home? Is he unhappy?

Time to put your foot down HARD.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

There is no reason to have privacy in a marriage. The only reason would be to hide things your spouse disapproves of.

Give him an ultimatum. Either the honking around on CL stops or you're done. 

Please do not seek revenge. Just let him know that HIS actions are going to cause him to lose his wife. And if CL is more important to him than you, you should know what to do next.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

sandc said:


> There is no reason to have privacy in a marriage. The only reason would be to hide things your spouse disapproves of.
> 
> Give him an ultimatum. Either the honking around on CL stops or you're done.


:iagree:

This.

Short, to the point - good advice.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I've only been married for 3 years. In that 3 years I have caught my husband on multiple occasions answering personal ads on craigslist.


Newlyweds and he's been trolling CL, multiple times?

I would have left after the second time I caught him on CL. One time, I might think I married a STUPID man but it's possible for him to grow up and get his head out of ass. The second time, I'd know he has no desire to get his head out of his ass, and would leave him

Making multiple attempts to hook up with women on CL is no joke. If you stay with him, please use condoms during sex because you never know when will be the day he hooks up with one of those women from the personal ads he's answering and brings home an STD. Today could be the day for all you know.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Sounds like he has a sex addiction to me.
Looking for anonymous hookups is very , risky business.
Individual counselling is needed.
No hope outside of that.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Bentiwmdl35 said:


> I've only been married for 3 years. In that 3 years I have caught my husband on multiple occasions answering personal ads on craigslist.


He's not satisfied with the relationship, looks like from day one. Only 3 years in and you're dealing with crap that usually happens 10 or 20 years down the line. Not good. 



Bentiwmdl35 said:


> Has he done anything physical? He says no


Cheaters always say no, his word is meaningless.



Bentiwmdl35 said:


> based on availablility of time to cheat I tend to believe him.


Cheaters always find the time. 



Bentiwmdl35 said:


> At this point I have changed so much, including losing 60lbs, dressing up every day and being there all for him. I don't work, I cook clean etc. At the expense of my own self, I admit, but I'm not so bothered by that.


Losing 60 lbs isn't an expense it's an investment.



Bentiwmdl35 said:


> And, he still hides everything he does from me. He says this is because of his parents being so intrusive when he was growing up that he just has a huge need for privacy.


What a bunch of BS right there. Not much better than the people who say they arent into sex all of a sudden because they were sexually abused as a child. 



Bentiwmdl35 said:


> And, he refuses to go to counseling. Can he truly change


People don't change much if at all after say, their 20's. They "can" but most are unable or unwilling. He refuses to go to counseling so forget about any sort of change. He doesn't care enough about you to do anything to ease your concerns. 



Bentiwmdl35 said:


> or is it likely that he will still betray me?


Highly likely that the betrayal is ongoing and will continue.



Bentiwmdl35 said:


> And does his refusal to go to counseling and continuous hiding his internet from me mean he's still messing around?


No, yes.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

I'm with sandc and norajane on this one. He's being incredibly disrespectful to you and your marriage and is potentially putting your health at risk if he does happen to hook up with someone from CL and brings something home to you. 

At this point, it's time to start turning the tables. Since he seems unwilling to be open with you in the marriage and continues to hide his activities, you need to make some consequences for his behavior by not doing things for him that make his life comfortable and look out for yourself. Look into the "180" here on TAM. 

I don't think that "revenge" is a good way to go about it, but you need to insist that he stops his online activities and focus on your marriage or you leave. No begging or anything like that. The ball is in his court. He needs to know that he will lose you if this continues. Also, if he isn't willing to go to counseling, you might want to have some sessions for yourself to help you deal with the situation.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> :iagree:
> 
> This.
> 
> Short, to the point - good advice.


I get one right every once in a while.


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