# Second marriage, same issues...



## Faith13 (Jul 17, 2011)

I spent 15 years with the same man, and we were recently divorced. We were best friends but I couldn't take being in a sexless marriage. He was raised Catholic and we didn't have premarital sex. He promised that once we were married, it would change. It did not. It got worse. He treated me like trash and years of anger and resentment made me pack up and leave 3 years ago.

I then met an amazing guy who lived in another country. He treats me like a princess. I left everything and moved for him. We've been married for a month. And he still won't have sex with me. Every time it gets to the point of us having sex, he has so much anxiety over it, he can't even get an erection. And there are always excuses for why we can't even try, etc. If that wasn't frustrating enough, we're living in his parents house until I can find employment and he won't have sex in his parents house. To make matters worse, he has a fetish for bound and gagged girls. He spends all of his free time watching videos, looking at pictures of it, etc. He can get it up for that and he can get it up if I'm tied up and gagged... or if I'm willing to let him be rough with me and force me (roleplaying of course) to perform and give him a blowjob. 

Over the last 2 years (since we've been together) every time I bring it up, I end up angry and crying and he always turns the way I'm feeling into something about him. Like, he's the victim in the whole thing. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm married to him for a month and can't stop thinking about packing up and moving back home. HELP!


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

what country?
and how can you find virgin guys these days?!
well, my advice, back and come back home. cultures are hard in marriage unless one person is welling to go %100 to other culture then marriage is hard.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he was like that throughout your entire relationship and engagement, I'm not sure why you expected he'd change after marriage.


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## Faith13 (Jul 17, 2011)

Jellybeans -
Mostly because I trusted him when he promised that it would be different. We were living apart for the last two years since he's from Ireland and I'm from the US. We would spend 3 months together, 3 months apart - as much as my visitor visa would allow at one time. He came over twice, met my family, etc. and also paid for my divorce.

I don't want to be ridiculous and just take off and go home because I'd feel extremely selfish having done so. I just don't know what to do, since talking about it hasn't helped at all.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lay down the law. And I don't mean to offend but have you sponsored him for a visa?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He has a porn addiction. He needs counseling and to completely give up the porn.

Here is a link to another thread about porn, I posted a link to a book about how porn changes your brain. It is very harmful, particularly violent hard core porn.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/28547-lies-pornography.html

I don't know that I would hold out much hope of having a good relationship with him. First he would have to acknowledge he has a serious problem and be willing to take the steps needed to overcome, which would be very difficult.

It isn't about you either, nothing you have or haven't done, this is on him.

Now you have to decide if all the rejection and anguish are worth it. There are plenty of men out there who are not addicted to porn and willing to treat women with respect. If you want to move on I wouldn't blame you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Where did she say he has a porn addiction?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faith13 (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm the one who uprooted and moved to Ireland.

I guess where my issues are stemming from is seeing this pattern in my life. Both of my husbands, my ex and my current one tell me that they are extremely attracted to me, that I'm beautiful, that I'm their everything, that they couldn't have asked for a cooler or better wife, etc. And yet, they won't have sex with me! I'm totally rejected and hurt and confused by this. It's a total mind f*#$!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Most men want to have sex. The problem may be that you are ignoring the red flags beforehand. Its normal to want sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faith13 (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you're right, Jellybeans. I have fallen hard for both of them and ignored the issues - mostly ignoring what I need from the relationships... Spending my time trying to make sure that they are happy and content, all the while growing frustrated and resentful that they are not reciprocating. 
:scratchhead:
I'm just not sure what it is that I can do to make THIS marriage work.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Pleasing everyone to the point where you forget about your own needs is no good. Counselling could bea good idea for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hello Faith ~

There is one common denominator in both of your relationships - and you already know what it is, don't you? It is you.

I agree with Jellybeans that counseling would be a good option for you so that you can get a handle on what causes you to choose men that seem to be inappropriate for you.

Have you laid down the law with your current husband? I would be having a serious heart to heart talk with him about what I was willing to accept and I would stick with it.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

You are making bad choices in men consistently. While I'm not suggesting it is easy for you to leave, I find it strange that you would want to stay in your current relationship. Call me conservative, but a fetish for tying you up and gagging you just for a BJ is kind of spooky behavior.

You are not going to change his fetish desire. If it bothers you, get out of the marriage. BEFORE you get married again, date for 3-4 years so you KNOW what you are getting into ahead of time. Stop relying on promises to change after marriage. Any behavior you don't like before marriage is NOT going to change after marriage.


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## Faith13 (Jul 17, 2011)

I have no issues with bondage being a part of our sexual relationship. The issue is that he wants to do all of these other things - everything except for having actual intercourse. I don't want to change his need for his fetish. 

We have had serious heart to hearts over this and all that ends up happening is that he cries and sobs uncontrollably and I end up feeling horrible, like I've done something wrong. I don't think that asking my husband to make love to me should send him over the edge like that.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

He refuses to have sex in his parents' home.... but he watches porn? He's full of b.s. 

Get counseling, move out of his parents' home.... and THEN make a decision.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Get counseling, live this way or take control of your life and bail out. That's the only options I see for you. You have already had years of this. Take control of it and choose wisely grasshopper!


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

I know that sex is an important factor in a marriage/relationship, but why else did you marry him? I don't believe someone would marry another person because they promised them sex after marriage. What other factors made you fall in love with this person and want to marry him? 

I have a more active sex drive compared to my husband, so yes I've gotten frustrated when he's not in the mood, but we have always had other ways to enjoy each others' company. I'm wondering if perhaps if you build up these other factors, he'll be more comfortable with you and will be more comfortable with having sex with you.

Also, there is nothing wrong with playing out fantasies, but you have your own fantasy: you'd like to have sex with your husband in the way you enjoy best. Encouraging him through that fantasy might help him do a better job-- explain to him what you would like him to do to you and praise him when he does a good job. Just by what you shared there seems to be a lot of emotional anxiety for him and that might have to be dealt with before you two can have sex in this way.


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