# Is she really being honest? ?



## Jkenne03 (Nov 12, 2015)

Good morning everyone,

New to this forum, but definitely having a major issue of what was relayed to me as an "emotional" affair my wife had back late August of this year. Long story short, my wife was acting very distant towards me late June and I knew something was off, but never imagined she was talking with another man who ended up being an old manager for her about 7 years ago. I found the email below to the guy and fully confronted her about it and was very very hurt and angry. She claims it was only an emotional affair due to issues with my family over the past year and leaned on this guy for extra support. Claimed nothing physical happened and she would cut all communication with him. That didn't happen and she asked to see him over the Labor Day weekend! I confronted her over that saying if this were to ever happen again, it's over for good. I asked her once again to come clean and she said the guy tried to kiss him, but she backed off before it would happen and she left the bar they met and that's why she wrote this email to him. Well I just saw she was messaging this guy on LinkedIn last week over a promotion he received at work! Below is what she wrote and the more I think of this and not wanting to believe it, I really do think she had a one night fling with this guy....Am I crazy for thinking this? Here is the email..

Hi,

It's a little easier for me to write this email than text you because it would probably be too long. But you may not even read all of this. First, sorry about last night. Admittedly, I was drinking and thought of you and texted you. That was all my fault.

On Friday I had every intention of being ok with what we planned. But like you said we are friends above all. I think you might have looked at it as a one time thing where I was looking at it as of all goes well, we could keep this up. Not a relationship by any means, but not a one time one night stand. I think that's where I got messed up. After thinking about how it happened.

I don't want to not see you and get awkward when I do. I want to be able to call you when I'm in town and have a drink and catch up. Even if it's over your house because we are friends and know each other well. 

I'm sorry I brought you into my married mess. It's always been easy to talk to you and I think I just felt comfortable enough to put it all on the table. And like you said I don't deserve some of the **** that's been happening. My next steps are going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I need to be happy.

The one thing that's always amazes me about you is how caring of a person you are. I think when we crossed the friendship line that's where I stopped seeing it and like you said the other night you were looking at a piece of ass. I'd rather be on the other side because that's how much your friendship means to me and has meant to me over the years.

You don't have to respond to this or ever talk to me again if you don't want to. But like I said earlier I seriously hope I can be friends with you. When I see you I always remember how much I love hanging around and talking to you. It's not easy to have people in your life where you can pick up at any time like no actual time has passed at all.

Either way you made me think long and hard about my life and I will never be able to repay you for it. I owe you a lot. And like I said yesterday I wish you nothing but success. I know you'll be great if you get that promotion. You're one of the most hard working sincere people I know. 

I hope to talk soon. And if not, know that I appreciate you. If that means anything at all.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Sounds like she's the pursuer. He already hit it a few times and she wants more. If you don't have kids, then you need to bounce. She's plotting to leave you regardless and is just looking for a temporary branch to grasp. Most woman don't let get of their current branch until they have another person to latch onto, if even just emotionally.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

She lied about not contacting him again so no she's not honest. If she doesn't cheat with this guy because of her messed up marriage she'll find another.

Hold her accountable for everything she says, does and feels.

Good luck,

Seasalt


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

A Cheater being Honest? Seriously. Don't believe a word she utters.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I would not even confront over the email.

See a lawyer and start the divorce. 

Sorry bro and yes they had sex.


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## Jkenne03 (Nov 12, 2015)

I feel the same exact way you all do. We have a 2 year old so this created nothing but a giant mess all the way around.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

It is more than an emotional affair, they slept together the email makes that clear, she also wanted more than sex with him, she wants a relationship.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

She couldn't be clearer my man. Just to translate a couple of phrases (not necessarily in the order written):


_"I think when we crossed the friendship line" _

Means she f-cked him. 

_"The one thing that's always amazes me about you is how caring of a person you are." _

Means he took his time, and was an excellent lay.

_"My next steps are going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I need to be happy."_

Mean you're history and will soon be kicked to the curb.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Jkenne03 said:


> On Friday I had every intention of being ok with what we planned. But like you said we are friends above all. I think you might have looked at it as a one time thing where I was looking at it as of all goes well, we could keep this up. Not a relationship by any means, but not a one time one night stand. I think that's where I got messed up. *After thinking about how it happened.*


The bolded comment above sounds like yes, they did indeed hookup; now she's ruminating about how it didn't turn out as planned. I agree with @jsmart, she was the pursuer. She wants more, he was just looking for an easy hook up as evidenced in this statement:



Jkenne03 said:


> I think when we crossed the friendship line that's where I stopped seeing it and like you said the other night you were looking at a piece of ass.


And this comment indicates she is on her way out:



Jkenne03 said:


> My next steps are going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I need to be happy.


And, she is trying to "leave the door open" for him with this drivel in case he reconsiders:



Jkenne03 said:


> You don't have to respond to this or ever talk to me again if you don't want to. But like I said earlier I seriously hope I can be friends with you. When I see you I always remember how much I love hanging around and talking to you. It's not easy to have people in your life where you can pick up at any time like no actual time has passed at all.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You'll only get one chance to get this right - to show her what you will and won't tolerate. "I WILL be monitoring as you have now lost my trust, and if I find one more instance of you contacting him in any form, I'll be filing for divorce and full custody, as I won't feel our child is safe with a person doing what you're doing. It's your choice."

But then you have to actually follow THROUGH with leaving her if it happens.

If you end up having to leave, one of two things will happen. She'll spiral down and realize what she lost and hit her rock bottom, allowing you two to reconcile, or she'll run and you'll be better off knowing NOW what she's capable of and dodging that bullet for more years.

The absolute worst thing you can do is try to nice her back. It never works with women.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

More than likely not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

turnera said:


> You'll only get one chance to get this right - to show her what you will and won't tolerate. "I WILL be monitoring as you have now lost my trust, and if I find one more instance of you contacting him in any form, I'll be filing for divorce and full custody, as I won't feel our child is safe with a person doing what you're doing. It's your choice."


Jkenne, turnera is right about only getting one chance to get this right. You can't afford mistakes. DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR WIFE. That is a mistake.




Jkenne03;14129674[/QUOTE said:


> I'm sorry I brought you into my married mess. It's always been easy to talk to you and I think I just felt comfortable enough to put it all on the table. And like you said I don't deserve some of the **** that's been happening. My next steps are going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I need to be happy.


Your wife didn't just cheat on you. She has checked out of your marriage emotionally and according to this little gem, you should expect her to be checking out via the big D soon. 

You need to see an attorney ASAP. File divorce papers (you don't have to actually divorce her right away) Do not talk to your wife about any of this. There are a lot of folks who give some excellent advice here.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Is the OM married or have a girlfriend?

by the email it does sound like it has gone to a PA at least one time, but the EA is just as bad and it sounds like she wants out of your marriage.

if it looks like divorce:
see a lawyer 
separate you accounts (50%)
cancel any joint credit cards
start putting "lunch money" away in a safe place (not a bank) everyday from now on 20 to 30 dollars a day, it will adds up quickly and come in handy down the road

If you are going to try and R the affair has to stop first and the best way to help stop it is EXPOSURE.

OM's wife/girlfriend 
you parents 
her parents
maybe some close friends


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Lostme said:


> It is more than an emotional affair, they slept together the email makes that clear, she also wanted more than sex with him, she wants a relationship.


Yeeeee...



ThePheonix said:


> She couldn't be clearer my man. Just to translate a couple of phrases (not necessarily in the order written):
> 
> _"I think when we crossed the friendship line" _
> 
> ...


...eeeee...



happy as a clam said:


> The bolded comment above sounds like yes, they did indeed hookup; now she's ruminating about how it didn't turn out as planned. I agree with @jsmart, she was the pursuer. She wants more, he was just looking for an easy hook up as evidenced in this statement:
> 
> And this comment indicates she is on her way out:
> 
> And, she is trying to "leave the door open" for him with this drivel in case he reconsiders:


...eeeeeppp!!!

File for divorce ASAP, otherwise YOU will be the one served w/ divorce papers.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She is clearly not being honest. Guess what, all cheaters are also liars. These things go together.

The information you have in that note tells you that she had sex with him, she feels her marriage is a mess, and her emotional bond with him is incompatible with a marriage to you.

In these situations, your best bet is to go on offense, which would hopefully wake her up from attempting to pursue an unnttainable fantasy, and focus on being a wife an mother.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

turnera said:


> You'll only get one chance to get this right - to show her what you will and won't tolerate.


A good question is why would a man want to stay with a woman who is clearly looking for the door and is seeking his replacement. Another good question would be is there anything to the kind of shyt is she accusing him of putting her through.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Before making any decisions, do not confront and see if he replies through text or linked in. Then you follow Turnera's advice.

Oh and I can see the note slightly differently than everyone else, when I take my cynic glasses off, but it is neither here nor there as she is the pursuer and something DEFINITELY happened.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You are fortunate in your misfortune. This mail gives you deep insight into the state of your wife's emotional life.

Do not get into any discussion about the betrayal. Your understanding is an advantage in all your dealings with your wife because you have a means of measuring her words and actions.

File for divorce. Tell her she free to go since she deserves to be happy and you are not the person who can meet her needs.

Keep all discussion strictly to child and divorce.

A month from now or maybe 6, your wife may sing a different tune. You will be able to choose should you so desire.

The more likely outcome is goodbye.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Whether or not she is being honest about what she did, is not the most important thing right now. That e-mail is a wealth of information.

She has betrayed you.

She's had sex with the OM and would obviously do it again, as soon as he wants it.

She is looking for an exit affair; with him or someone else.

She's fine with cake eating and being financially secure with you until that happens.

This is the type of A, where your immediate strategy should be to start divorce proceedings. After you do, her willingness to accept consequences, her honesty, and her remorse - will determine whether you complete the D, or "consider" R. But for now, your mind set should be you're heading straight to D. Don't expect anything from her.

If there is any chance to save your marriage, she needs a metaphorical slap in the face to understand what it feels like to lose her husband for cheating.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

badmemory said:


> Whether or not she is being honest about what she did, is not the most important thing right now.
> 
> She has betrayed you.
> 
> ...


QFT....You already made one line in the sand and she peed on it.

I would just have her served. Best money you will ever spend. Then if you do reconcile she has learned to never do this again.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Don't play games with her. She's using you until something better to her comes along. Right now you just a security blanket to her. 

If it was me, I would hand her coat and hat and tell her that she wants him, she can have him and let her know that she better get a lawyer because you are and the only thing you want to discuss with her is about your kid.

It wont be easy but she needs to know that she made a choice to step out of the marriage and never gave a thought how it would effect you and now she has to live with it. Don't fall for the tears because thise tears aren't for you but what she's about to lose. Nothing more.


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## Borntohang (Sep 4, 2014)

To me, it's evident that her emotional affair became physical "crossed that line". But it sounds like after he "Hit it", he's backed away! She wants to keep their relationship going, even if it's not physical!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

ButtPunch said:


> QFT....You already made one line in the sand and she peed on it.
> 
> I would just have her served. Best money you will ever spend. Then if you do reconcile she has learned to never do this again.


And this is why you should keep silent on what you know. All she should feel now are consequences.

By doing the 180 and taking control of the situation you will be in a better state mentally.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Jkenne, are there any complications in your situation such as children or co-owned businesses? The reason I ask is because you have a heck of a mountain to climb if your marriage is ever going to be good again. There will be a lot of pain, it will take time, and the chances of success are not good.

Yes, I believe the email says they had sex. It clearly says she has already decided to leave the marriage.

The #1 rule is to never ever reveal to her your source of intel. So don't tell her you've seen that email. If you decide to try to save the marriage, you will have to do a lot more spying to learn what happened and to ensure she is fully back into the marriage. Never tell her about these methods, nor how you acquired any information if you reveal the information to her (which you might do in a confrontation).

If you don't have kids or some other major complication, I would just start moving towards D. Talk to a few lawyers in your area to find out how things work there. Most will give you a free consultation where you can get basic questions answered. The bonus is your wife can't use any of those lawyers after you've talked to them, so if there is a particular lawyer you don't want her to use, go consult with them even if you end up using someone else.

There's no need to be nasty and hateful in the divorce. Since she's already got at least one foot out the door, you might be able to work through an amicable split.

If her ex-boss is married, do his wife the favor of telling her about the affair. But if it were me I would wait until after the divorce if your wife is willing to be cooperative in the divorce process.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Even though he has told her she is nothing more than a piece of a$$ to him she is still trying to reel him in.

Good luck with this.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

She's lying 

I know it sucks and you want to believe her but that doesn't make the nonsense she is trying to tell you truth. 

Cheaters lie. That you can bank on. 

Paternity test the child 
Get checked for stds
Do not have unprotected sex with your wife
Do a hard 180 
Talk to a lawyer
Take care of yourself
Protect your assets 

Sorry.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

You told her up front that if she ever contacted the guy you would be done with her. Well she did and now you have the proof. You need to keep your promise to her and go see a lawyer and file for divorce. She may not want you in her life, but you can damn sure make her respect you a little.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here.

You need to RUN away from this woman.

She wanted to have a long time Affair. She have feeling for this guy but he was ok only for sex and nothing else.

Like I said RUN and dont look back. She is using you like someone who is going to pay bills and watch over your daughter while she is searching for the "perfect one"

Sorry


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You already know the answer. Your question seems to come from your weakness and inability to believe what's really happening here.

If you can't deal with this from strength you will lose. They are screwing with your life!!!!!!

You'll get some great advice here but I'm afraid like many you can't/won't take action so they will walk all over you.

I hope I'm wrong. Full exposure to everyone will probably stop the affair if you have the guts to do it.

Good luck


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You know in your heart that even if they haven't had sex yet, they planned to.

You also know in your heart that she's been lying to you about the same guy multiple times (and I've been there).

So, having been there, here's what you have to do.

You get everything ready -- call a lawyer, back up all the data you can get your hands on, have her sleep somewhere else, and act single with a smile on your face about it (except no other women).

When all that is ready, which should take about a week or less (because it took me 3 days), you sit her down and say "tell me everything, or the next conversation you have with me is through a lawyer." Add to that the statement that you either already know everything, or are going to find out everything because you already have the data.

Take everything down she says. Make a timeline. Go through the data. 

And if there's even one discrepancy, you file.

I was lucky. There wasn't. But I waffled at the beginning, and made everything a WHOLE lot worse.

But one word of caution, man... assume you currently know 1% of what actually happened.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I think it's very clear as evidenced by more than one statement in the email that it has gone physical. She is definitely lying. sorry man.


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## Jkenne03 (Nov 12, 2015)

After laying it out to her with brutal threats of divorce and I'm currently staying on my own right now, she admits they kissed, but personally I'm not buying it. This email was way too deep for it to be just a kiss. I've never been so embarrassed and betrayed my entire life


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jkenne, She is engaging in 'trickle truth' and will stick to her 'story' unless you light a fire under her a$$. 
You can get through this. 
Have you exposed her to all family and friends?
The OM, have you tried to expose to his wife/gf?

Go see a lawyer too, the way she is acting suggests that she is looking to replace you.

you need to take decisive action


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## Jkenne03 (Nov 12, 2015)

This guy doesn't have a wife or a gf so nothing for him to lose. I've already contacted an attorney today and set an appointment for next Tuesday. Maybe the actual paperwork will get her ass to say what fully happened.


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## Jkenne03 (Nov 12, 2015)

And yes my friends know but family hasn't been involved yet


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

This royally sucks.

You have 2 paths you can take. Most take the second one.

1 - even though you are in disbelief; even though you love her; even though you have a kid; even though she tells you what you want to hear; even though you want things to go back to the way things were...

Listen to those who have lived it (not me but others). Separate yourself, your thoughts, your hopes, your finances. Focus only on you. Protect yourself.

It will suck really really bad.

Or

2 - try to make things work. Try to get her back. Don't rock the boat. Blame yourself. Believe her lies. Believe her when she rewrites history. Try to get the old "her" back. Have sex to bond. Agree to her separation of her telling you to move out.

Then suffer for months.

Then start to get it. And get angry. And try to protect yourself - except she already had implemented her plans and you're on the defensive. Then move to the first option.


The best advice sounds wrong when you want things to work out. But that email sounded loud and clear to me.

Sorry


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jkenne03 said:


> And yes my friends know but family hasn't been involved yet


Then you'll get what's coming to you. You wanna save things? Expose. Affairs thrive in secrecy.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Her "woe is me I have to do the hardest thing in my life" bollox tells ME that she does not care for you. At all. 

I don't think I need to highlight all the keyphrases that smack of affair. 

Her heart is for her manager, only it didn't work out the way she'd planned. 

Personally, if I found this letter was written by my SO and then he was feeding me a trickle sheet sandwich, I'd be done. My dignity is worth more than the unremorseful, stale crumbs I'd be choking down by staying.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Jkenne03 said:


> This guy doesn't have a wife or a gf so nothing for him to lose. I've already contacted an attorney today and set an appointment for next Tuesday. Maybe the actual paperwork will get her ass to say what fully happened.




You are exactly 100% correct. She hasn't had any consequences to date and this is you simply putting your foot down.

Not that you necessarily need it. You've given her a number of chances, and kissing is still cheating. Sex is ultimately just an arbitrary line in the sand.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Good morning,

Could you provide additional info. First, how long have the two of you been married? You mentioned issues with your family, what where they and how did the effect your marriage and your daughter. You will need to separate issues in your marriage and how she acted out. They need to be dealt with separately first. 

Do you own or rent? Are you still in the home. If you own do not leave, she leaves. 

Does she still work with posm (piece of **** male)? If so what is the companies policy towards your situation. Read Odat's thread. I and many others urged him to contact HR. When he did the manger was fired two days later. His last post a month ago stated his WW was remorseful and was truly trying to save her marriage. 

How did you find your attorney? What are you planning to discuss with the attorney? Please post as many here can help you build a list of topics. Before an attempt at reconciling you must have a clear plan for ending the marriage and what your post marriage life will work out. For example: where will you live, custody of your daughter, etc.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I think it is possible that they did not have full sex. YET.

But if they didn't it is only a matter of time before they do.

Here is what you could do.

Get checked for STDs and get your child's DNA tested. This is not necessarily to identify the fatherhood of the child but to send up a bloody big warning flare to your wife to show exactly how badly she had damaged your trust in her.

See several lawyers in your town to work out how to legally protect yourself and your child. This will also limit her choice of lawyers in many jurisdictions.

If you do not have a pre-nup could you get her to sign a post-nup?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

BashfulBull said:


> You told her up front that if she ever contacted the guy you would be done with her. Well she did and now you have the proof. You need to keep your promise to her and go see a lawyer and file for divorce. She may not want you in her life, but you can damn sure make her respect you a little.


Game's over on your marriage, OP. You are only Plan B as the Other Man does not want your wife. Why would you want someone else's reject? She is assertively pursuing him. This tells you that she is no longer in your marriage.

You have consulted a lawyer. Proceed all the way and be done with this farce of a marriage. Your wife will do this over and over again until you lose your mind. 

Bashful Bull has been in this road before. He forged a better life than what he had. Follow his advice even if you overlook other posters' of the same advice.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Jkenne03 said:


> I think when we crossed the friendship line that's where I stopped seeing it and like you said the other night you were looking at a piece of ass.


 @OP: Sorry but that one sentence means that they had sex. Since she was expressing her deep feelings for him, and not typing out a confession for you, it is unrealistic to think that she would be more detailed about what happened when he viewed her as nothing but "a piece of ass" when they decided to "crossed the friendship line". Again, they had sex. Being realistic, there is no other way to read it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Jkenne03 said:


> This guy doesn't have a wife or a gf so nothing for him to lose. I've already contacted an attorney today and set an appointment for next Tuesday. Maybe the actual paperwork will get her ass to say what fully happened.


So you've moved out of your place and this single guy is just sitting at home alone while your wife pines over you?

I seriously doubt that he hasn't been spending a lot of time in your bed consoling your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Jkenne03 said:


> Good morning everyone,
> 
> New to this forum, but definitely having a major issue of what was relayed to me as an "emotional" affair my wife had back late August... I confronted her over that saying if this were to ever happen again, it's over for good.


You are doing the right thing by following through, its the only to save this or move on. It is often standard advice here in situations like yours.

Honestly this sounds like an exit affair. She has likely detached from you some time ago. Probably after the birth of your child. My observation is that women often never get the love back when this is the situation.

They are in the "I love you but I am not 'in love' with you" condition. 

If you read the posts of many women here who feel that way, they can fake it for a while, but few ever really get past it.

She has let another man meet her emotional needs and loves him now. (btw when that happenes sex is imminent if not already happening)

She is looking to monkey branch to another relationship.

I would not believe her tears or any declarations of "I made the biggest mistake of my life" at this point.

If she becomes truly remorseful and you are willing to reconcile, it will be like starting over (with much more baggage), small steps as she proves herself and demonstrates true remores and genuine love.

If she wants to smooth things over now and rugsweep, it is likely motivated by a need for security, stability, reputation, convience/comfort, and to buy time.

Would you date a woman who was despeate? A woman who would pick you for reasons other than love?

How about one who told another man she was interested in that she did not love you and wanted to get you out of her life.

Just trying to give you some perspective to strengthen your resolve.
Its men who act thst do the best in these situations.

Be cool, calm and decisive, that is your best approach here.

Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You told her no more contact. She contacted him.
In that contact, she was basically begging him to let her come hang out at his house when she's in town.
Future contact, knowing she will have to put out even more if she do.

so what's there to talk about??
Are you gonna pay a PI every time she travels for work??
You want the truth, tell her you setting up a polygraph for her.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

In this life men have two choices when it come to a cheating wife. You either put up with her screwing someone else or you don't. Instead of worrying about the consequences she's going to have to suffer, you need to be worried about what you need in a wife. Chasing her around trying to keep it from happening again don't work in the long run and is not worth the effort. Like anything else, find one you can work with rather than one you have to work on.


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## Jkenne03 (Nov 12, 2015)

To give an update here, my wife and I ended up going to counseling and are still going through it. The week before Thanksgiving my wife sat me down to give me the details of what occurred that night. She said the guy did go to the room with her where they made out and he was fingering her. When he started to pull her clothes off she said that is when she stopped it and the guy apparently got pissed off and started to be an ******* because she wouldn't fully go through with sleeping with him.

I was beyond floored listening to all the details and I told her I would try counseling more so for the sake of our son. Since then I did multiple scans of her phone for deleted texts, emails, and haven't seen anything but I know there is always that chance they could have communicated again. What alarmed me in counseling is I asked her as a request to block this guy on LinkedIn to avoid any and all contact from happening again and she thought that was petty and did not agree with it. My thought was if you are done with this guy then why the hesitation? She ended up deleting him that evening but I know she wasn't happy and that part to this day confuses the hell out of me. I did find out though after her run in with this guy in August that she told him she left me and I was like what the hell was the motive in that? He didn't say much except "I just want you to be happy" 

I've had quite a few people tell me that with the vivid details she provided that night that she probably did come completely clean, but I do feel that she had or still has some strong feelings for this guy. When I try to talk with her about it she doesn't say anything and just tells me the more I probe the more I'm pushing her away. This whole ordeal has royally ****ed me up mentally and become a very negative and closed off person to all. It's a killer never ever fully believing her and her rationale.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

She is not remorseful. There is more.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I always hope that after I read the first post in these types of threads, that the last post is about the person moving on, and getting out of the unhealthy relationship. But, looks like you want to hang on to this unhealthy relationship for whatever the reason is.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

ThePheonix said:


> In this life men have two choices when it come to a cheating wife. You either put up with her screwing someone else or you don't. Instead of worrying about the consequences she's going to have to suffer, you need to be worried about what you need in a wife. Chasing her around trying to keep it from happening again don't work in the long run and is not worth the effort. Like anything else, find one you can work with rather than one you have to work on.


This x 1000


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## Jkenne03 (Nov 12, 2015)

It's more so for my son and I looked at it for the reason to give counseling a chance. I don't believe that is a wrong thing to try, but it's an opinion. I'm getting though to that point that the effort of it is not working and I don't feel like she is fully in it to make this better. It's hard to talk to your wife about her feelings for another man and she just stares at you with no words. Sorry that I'm venting and it makes me look weak. This is nothing I wish on anyone.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Why no Polygraph so you can ask the question if she f#uked the guy ?

Money well spent you could also ask if she has been in contact in any form with since what ever month you want to ask

The pressure pre Poly day will possibly make her tell you they did the deed and when they last spoke/contacted

If you can not afford it...say it and hope for a confession on the day


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

She is in damage control my friend. She knows she is fuvked. Just how ****ved depends on what she can have you believe.

When a cheater gets busted they always try to minimise the damage.

They admit to as little as possible, and gradually if the betrayed spouse keeps up the pressure they start engaging in trickle truthing.

She has already done this to you.

Notice at first she told you they kissed only. Then she confides that more did happen and they got hot and heavy in the bedroom with him fingering her.

Chances are he ****ved her. That doesn't really matter know becuase she has already crossed the line and cheated on you. Whether its a kiss, blow job, or a fuc...k she has cheated.

The damage is done.

I dont believe this is the end of it. Judging by her reluctance to delete him from LinkedIn i believe she is not done with him yet and will take the affair under ground.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Jkenne03 said:


> I think *you might have looked at it as a one time thing *where I was looking at it as of all goes well, we could keep this up. Not a relationship by any means, but not a *one time one night stand*. I think that's where I got messed up. *After thinking about how it happened.
> *
> 
> *I'm sorry I brought you into my married mess.* It's always been easy to talk to you and I think I just felt comfortable enough to put it all on the table. And like you said I don't deserve some of the **** that's been happening. *My next steps are going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I need to be happy.*
> ...


They definitely had sex and she wants more.

She is about to leave you. She is done with the "marriage mess" and wants to happy. 

This is so much more than an emotional affair. Sorry.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Jkenne03 said:


> It's more so for my son and I looked at it for the reason to give counseling a chance. I don't believe that is a wrong thing to try, but it's an opinion. I'm getting though to that point that the effort of it is not working and I don't feel like she is fully in it to make this better. It's hard to talk to your wife about her feelings for another man and she just stares at you with no words. Sorry that I'm venting and it makes me look weak. This is nothing I wish on anyone.


Relax...
Fake it til you make it.
You will be going through the stages of grief.

Just remember this phrase "You have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it"
Expose to close family and friends.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Jkenne03 said:


> It's more so for my son and I looked at it for the reason to give counseling a chance. I don't believe that is a wrong thing to try, but it's an opinion. I'm getting though to that point that the effort of it is not working and I don't feel like she is fully in it to make this better. It's hard to talk to your wife about her feelings for another man and she just stares at you with no words. Sorry that I'm venting and it makes me look weak. This is nothing I wish on anyone.


Counseling isn't going to magically change your wife into a good person. She is not a good person, that is the truth. You want her to be a good person, and you are doing the work to make her so. But, no matter how much effort you put into this, she will still be a toxic person. Her affair may have nothing at all to do with you and the 'mess' of a marriage she is in, but rather ...simply put...that she is selfish, and thinks that getting laid by another man, will fill some void she has in her. This isn't about you fixing things, you can't fix a toxic person no matter how hard you try. I commend you for your efforts, you seem like a good man, but you are not married to a good woman. And it honestly, is as simple as that.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

tom67 said:


> Relax...
> Fake it til you make it.
> You will be going through the stages of grief.
> 
> ...


I disagree with gossiping about your marital dirty laundry to friends and family...revenge is not the answer. And it won't turn a cheater into a good person. It won't rewind time to before the cheater, cheated. Revenge just makes the person committing it look weak.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

We teach others how to treat us.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jkenne03 said:


> To give an update here, my wife and I ended up going to counseling and are still going through it. The week before Thanksgiving my wife sat me down to give me the details of what occurred that night. She said the guy did go to the room with her where they made out and he was fingering her. When he started to pull her clothes off she said that is when she stopped it and the guy apparently got pissed off and started to be an ******* because she wouldn't fully go through with sleeping with him.
> 
> I was beyond floored listening to all the details and I told her I would try counseling more so for the sake of our son. Since then I did multiple scans of her phone for deleted texts, emails, and haven't seen anything but I know there is always that chance they could have communicated again. What alarmed me in counseling is I asked her as a request to block this guy on LinkedIn to avoid any and all contact from happening again and she thought that was petty and did not agree with it. My thought was if you are done with this guy then why the hesitation? She ended up deleting him that evening but I know she wasn't happy and that part to this day confuses the hell out of me. I did find out though after her run in with this guy in August that she told him she left me and I was like what the hell was the motive in that? He didn't say much except "I just want you to be happy"
> 
> I've had quite a few people tell me that with the vivid details she provided that night that she probably did come completely clean, but I do feel that she had or still has some strong feelings for this guy. When I try to talk with her about it she doesn't say anything and just tells me the more I probe the more I'm pushing her away. This whole ordeal has royally ****ed me up mentally and become a very negative and closed off person to all. It's a killer never ever fully believing her and her rationale.


Ugh, they had sex op. Cheaters lie, hide and deny. You must want to live in denial badly. 

Tell her you want a polygraph. She's not going to ever tell you the truth because she knows how weak you are.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jkenne03 said:


> It's more so for my son and I looked at it for the reason to give counseling a chance. I don't believe that is a wrong thing to try, but it's an opinion. I'm getting though to that point that the effort of it is not working and I don't feel like she is fully in it to make this better. It's hard to talk to your wife about her feelings for another man and she just stares at you with no words. Sorry that I'm venting and it makes me look weak. This is nothing I wish on anyone.


Kids are better off with divorced parents than having to live in a bad situation/marriage.

This is your convenient excuse because you're in denial. She has taken your manhood from you. Until you get it back you will continue to be in limbo hell.

Sorry you are here. The cheating is on her, how you handle it is on you.

Read up and take your life back.

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=1xTb589sI9QW.F91Mn1j_4uMiiA-


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

1. She fvcked him.

2.She is not remorseful, is trickle truthing you and probably taking it underground.

3. You're not going to do a damn thing about it that is effective.

4. Enjoy the misery. You've earned it by not divorcing an unremorseful cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jkenne03 (Nov 12, 2015)

Some of the advice I really appreciate and some of you act like complete *******s. I hope you are talking from experience and not "If I was you...." Much easier said than done and forgive me for trying but I know it's done and it's hard to come to that realization. It takes a strong man in my book to try than to run away like a child. I gave it a shot and yes I got burned to a point but now I know it's not salvageable and I'm coming to terms with it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jkenne03 said:


> After laying it out to her with brutal threats of divorce and I'm currently staying on my own right now, she admits they kissed, but personally I'm not buying it. This email was way too deep for it to be just a kiss. I've never been so embarrassed and betrayed my entire life


She is the cheater here not you. 

Brutal threats of divorce???? You drawn lines in the sand and she walks over them. She knows there are no consequences. She is a cake eater who does as she pleases. You don't do full exposure because you are afraid.

The one thing you should never ever do is leave the home????? She can now have full access to her other man!!!! Did they say thank you????

You come here ignore advice and get what???? More of the same.

This isn't going to just go away and the Calvary isn't coming. You're it pal. 

Being weak and timid is getting you what???? Lies, no remourse, etc.

Wake up!!!!! Man up!!!!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Jkenne03 said:


> Some of the advice I really appreciate and some of you act like complete *******s. I hope you are talking from experience and not "If I was you...." Much easier said than done and forgive me for trying but I know it's done and it's hard to come to that realization. It takes a strong man in my book to try than to run away like a child. I gave it a shot and yes I got burned to a point but now I know it's not salvageable and I'm coming to terms with it.


Sorry. I've just seen way to many cases of infidelity and how soft you are going at this combined with her pathetic attitude does not spell success.

Quick and decisive actions win the day for a betrayed spouse.

Many times it is what is required to snap a cheater out of their stupidity and might even save a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jkenne03 said:


> Some of the advice I really appreciate and some of you act like complete *******s. I hope you are talking from experience and not "If I was you...." Much easier said than done and forgive me for trying but I know it's done and it's hard to come to that realization. It takes a strong man in my book to try than to run away like a child. I gave it a shot and yes I got burned to a point but now I know it's not salvageable and I'm coming to terms with it.


The hard knocks are to try and get you to see the truth.

No one can make you. It's your life live it as you please.

Your life is going to be what you make it.

Good luck


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Jkenne03 said:


> Some of the advice I really appreciate and some of you act like complete *******s. I hope you are talking from experience and not "If I was you...." Much easier said than done and forgive me for trying but I know it's done and it's hard to come to that realization. It takes a strong man in my book to try than to run away like a child. I gave it a shot and yes I got burned to a point but now I know it's not salvageable and I'm coming to terms with it.


But, know that it's not salvageable because of her, not you. It is okay and nothing to be ashamed of to admit that you married the wrong person. That you married someone who isn't who you thought. She didn't change, most likely, there were red flags. Good people don't mysteriously become liars and cheaters over night. The advice I give comes from hoping you don't blame yourself for why your marriage is ending. That's all. What she did most likely has nothing to do with the marriage, and I happen to think she will do this in every relationship she gets into. Until she fixes herself, she will continue to hurt others. This is why the second/third marriage stat has a higher failure rate than first marriages, because a lot of second and third marriages come from affairs, and cheaters just don't make good spouses. lol

Wishing you peace and light.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Just take care of yourself Jkenne. Many betrayed spouses have come on here and said that infidelity was something they would never tolerate and would end their marriage,that is until they were actually faced with it. Your eyes are open now and the truth is you have to travel to the beat of your own drum,wherever that may lead. I hope it leads to healing and eventual peace. Take care.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This will be a long shot reconciliation because she is not remorseful. She might be telling you the truth, but it's not the whole truth, I don't think. And, again, she isn't showing you remorse. She cheated and she has you on the defensive. If she were remorseful, she would be moving heaven and earth to help you heal and trust her again. The idea that blocking the OM on LinkedIn is 'petty' is just one indicator of lack of remorse. It actually goes further, in my opinion, into contempt territory.

I'm sorry, OP, for what you are going through, but can't help but feel that your efforts will be in vain given both her attitude and your unease with doing the tough things you would need to do.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Jkenne03 said:


> Some of the advice I really appreciate and some of you act like complete *******s. I hope you are talking from experience and not "If I was you...." Much easier said than done and forgive me for trying but I know it's done and it's hard to come to that realization. It takes a strong man in my book to try than to run away like a child. I gave it a shot and yes I got burned to a point but now I know it's not salvageable and I'm coming to terms with it.


We've seen this same rodeo played out dozens and dozens of times.

It very rarely works out for the rider(that would be you).

You caught her and warned her. You caught her AGAIN, but this time she was planning on meeting him and you said it's "over for good". You caught her a THIRD time with a message that SCREAMS of past PA activity... Btw, how many time do think you didn't catch her?...

Then you do some counseling and she comes clean... kinda. She met the OM with every intention of having sex with him, BUT stopped him after her a digit job... There's probably sooo much more to it, but that's for another day.

You drew a line in the sand(D) and she repeatedly danced a crossed it, but you stayed anyway.

We can understand having a young child makes it a harder choice, but you most likely only prolonging the inevitable. She was barely remorseful the first two times and after she tells you it went PA the 3rd time, she's p!ssed because you wanted her to delete the OM's # from her linknd account. This screams REPEAT OFFENDER.

Get your "D ducks" in a row my friend, because eventually she's going to leave you and you'll be ready for it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Jkenne03 said:


> Some of the advice I really appreciate and some of you act like complete *******s. I hope you are talking from experience and not "If I was you...." Much easier said than done and forgive me for trying but I know it's done and it's hard to come to that realization. It takes a strong man in my book to try than to run away like a child. I gave it a shot and yes I got burned to a point but now I know it's not salvageable and I'm coming to terms with it.


The odd thing is about all of this infidelity crap is...once the betrayed stops chasing the marriage and the betrayed does in fact "run away like a child"...the wayward will actually chase after the betrayed/"child".

face it...if it was easy then the reward won't be as great.

I mean some of the hardest things in life bring the greatest rewards. So let her go, and as hard as it was for me.....it brought the greatest reward!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

JK, do you know how many BS's come and say they tried for the KID's ?? 000, 0000's.

Most times, it don't work. Why?? Because the ws see this as weakness, and escalate their behaviour. 

Glad to see you are finally seeing what posters have been saying.

No remorse. She travels to his city. She knows to hang out while there, means putting out.
She told him it won't have to be a relationship, and basically says she will put out if he allow her to hang.
Fact is, if you are having to do all the work rebuilding, then you are still plan b.

She admits her marriage is a mess, but can't be bothered to fix it.
So what do really have?? A wife that you hope will fall back in love with you while she screws other guys.

Sorry it's happening, but you and your son deserve way more than this.
He deserve a mom doing all to keep her family together, and you deserve more than a wife, that will screw around to feel better about staying with you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

There have to be consequences for her actions, otherwise she has nothing to lose, you must show her your strength now to lay down boundaries and show that you are willing to lose her. Sometime we have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. Women respect husbands coming from a place of strength not weakness.

It is good you are going to counselling and she is coming clean now, you will need help to get through the emotions of it but be clear about boundaries

no contact (of any sort) with other man
all passwords, access to phone, computer, contactable at all times, etc
no sleeping with her
go slow, no promises of reconciliation till she has done everything you need to make things right

get a lawyer and have papers drawn up ready to drop the bomb on her, tell her these are her options, otherwise you are not sticking around


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Jkenne03 said:


> It's more so for my son and I looked at it for the reason to give counseling a chance. I don't believe that is a wrong thing to try, but it's an opinion. I'm getting though to that point that the effort of it is not working and I don't feel like she is fully in it to make this better. It's hard to talk to your wife about her feelings for another man and she just stares at you with no words. Sorry that I'm venting and it makes me look weak. This is nothing I wish on anyone.


Your son is two. If you split now it probably won't have as much of an effect on him than if if you wait to do it later. Honestly it doesn't sound like the two of you are setting an example of what a healthy relationship should look like anyway which also isn't going to do him any favors if he gets older watching you.

It sounds like _you've_ tried, yet your wife isn't willing to give everything she can to repair the marriage. And it takes two to make a marriage work.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

JKenne, I am sorry you are here. I just read your entire thread and here is my opinion. 

First I should say that I am normally one of the first to rain hell and fire on cheaters especially ones that were disrespectful. However, I am going to go against the general consensus here and say that she has told you the truth. I say this not only from what you have said here but also because I witnessed something very similar.

Here is what I think (although I could do with more information from you to confirm some of this):



You and your wife have marital problems. It may have started out great but you (plural) have not worked on your marriage. She is therefore open to all kinds of unhealthy behaviour.


The POSOM has been an authoritative figure in her life and she has a lot of respect for him and that naturally makes him attractive to her. She likes that he listens, has alleged experience, is calm etc (although we all know this to be bull$h!t and that he is your ordinary run-of-the-mill predator and [email protected]). So, she has an adult crush on him.


She opened up to him, he gave her "advice" that she liked hearing, all the time while grooming her for a hook-up.


When push came to shove and they started down the path, she snapped out of the crush briefly to stop and, even though he showed his true colours, the crush took over and did not let her see him for what he is completely. However, I do believe that she stopped it there. All this is evidenced from the email you shared.


Now he got pi$$ed off and she feels that she has lost a supportive friend that she not only liked, but respected and admired too and she did not want to give that up. So she continued to reach out.


She needs to see him for what he is, and find other real mentors (preferably strong, good women in her life) to help her with her self-worth, boundaries and radar for [email protected]


Work with her. Let her know you believe what she said and explain what you understand happened. Talk to her. However, tell her in no uncertain terms, that if anything like this ever happens again that will be the end.


Reach out to the [email protected] and let him know too that you "know what actually happened" and that if you catch him around your wife again, there will be consequences.

Take care JKenne - all is not lost.


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## Jkenne03 (Nov 12, 2015)

I reached out to this guy actually back in December to let him know everything I found out and my wife initially was not happy about it (for obvious reasons). When I told him her details plus my thoughts on what I thought went down he just said "I respect your wishes and I won't contact her anymore". Of course he didn't want to say more then he had to and I believe he did this to try to protect my wife.

My wife said the night after the hotel she texted him to ask to hook up. Doesn't make any sense to do that if you didn't do just that the night before. My view is that she fuvked him that night of the hotel and when she wanted more the next night he told her it was a one time deal and that just crushed her. That's my view point on if. Period.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

You are probably right Jkenne.

And you do not have to keep pushing your wife away with the probes.

But you do have the right as her husband to tell her something like this:

"If you are not willing to be completely honest with your feelings to me, especially with your past infidelity then what do we have as a foundation to work on our marriage?

You do not give me all the truth.
You do not give me or our marriage respect?

I am not afraid to end our marriage if you are unable to love me, respect me or give me the marriage that I deserve."

That is what you need to give her.

Stay strong Jkenne.

HM


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Jkenne03 said:


> It's more so for my son and I looked at it for the reason to give counseling a chance. I don't believe that is a wrong thing to try, but it's an opinion. I'm getting though to that point that the effort of it is not working and I don't feel like she is fully in it to make this better. It's hard to talk to your wife about her feelings for another man and she just stares at you with no words. Sorry that I'm venting and it makes me look weak. This is nothing I wish on anyone.


It may be over but her heart is still with other man. Doing the counseling with a wrong attitude is very common. Being repulsed by their husband's touch is common. Rewriting of marital history is very common.

She is in victim mode. In her mind, the fact that she gave up OM and is there with you, should be enough. You should be grateful.

Go to LS and read the threads from OW. You'll see your wife's thinking. Her thought process, her rationalizations. It doesn't matter that he treated her like $hit. Actually the more disrespectful their OM treats them the more they pine for them. In their eyes, POS is a better catch. The husband of many years who many times worked long hours so she can be a SAHM gets berated for being obsessed with work. The father of their kids barely rates a blip on their heart's radar. Even their kids don't seem to matter. All of their emotional energy is given to the OM.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

When a wife is physically repulsed by you...it is over friend. 

I know you don't want to hear it, but once a woman loses her physical attraction to her husband, no force in the universe will restore it.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Jkenne03 said:


> Some of the advice I really appreciate and some of you act like complete *******s. I hope you are talking from experience and not "If I was you...." Much easier said than done and forgive me for trying but I know it's done and it's hard to come to that realization. It takes a strong man in my book to try than to run away like a child. I gave it a shot and yes I got burned to a point but now I know it's not salvageable and I'm coming to terms with it.


It would be very instructional for you to read the threads on TAM to see the trend of the majority of BHs who deal with their wife in a meek way. Taking D off the table, willingness to rug sweep, and just being weak and needy. How their WW treat them. You'll also notice the few BH who take TAMer's advice and go shock and awe, have completely different responses. 

It may not seem it to you from the responses but TAMers are PRO marriage and could support R if it was a one time discretion from a remorseful spouse going all out to make amends. But we see the results when a WW gives her heart to another man. She'll throw her husband AND KIDS under the bus. 

The high they experience from the chemicals the brain releases during an adulteress affair is irresistible. For woman, it is especially damaging. Remember a woman is replacing their husband in their heart and mind not just her body. That's why you don't see no way near the number of men leaving their marriages that you see of wives.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Jkenne03 said:


> I reached out to this guy actually back in December to let him know everything I found out and my wife initially was not happy about it (for obvious reasons). When I told him her details plus my thoughts on what I thought went down he just said "I respect your wishes and I won't contact her anymore". Of course he didn't want to say more then he had to and I believe he did this to try to protect my wife.
> 
> My wife said the night after the hotel she texted him to ask to hook up. Doesn't make any sense to do that if you didn't do just that the night before. My view is that she fuvked him that night of the hotel and when she wanted more the next night he told her it was a one time deal and that just crushed her. That's my view point on if. Period.


You're right that this guy didn't add anything to protect your wife but also to protect himself. he doesn't want to tell everything because it could have angered you to the point of getting physical. 

How do you tell a guy, yea, I fvcked your wife in everyway possible. She wanted to run off with me but I wasn't about to take on a woman with some other man's kid, so I tossed her away but she kept begging me for more so I just kept her on the side for an occasional bang. 

Knowing how sexual WWs get with POS, especially when they're trying to win the guy over. They give the EVERYTHING on their menu. Not to be vulgar but sometimes it's needed for BH to wake up. Don't how many threads I've read of woman that refused their husband access to anal or swallowing but enthusiastically performed these acts on opening night for their POS. Read the threads. 

Pursuing R in situations like that is beyond weak. The best route is straight to D. After the D, you can maybe date and start a new relationship, if she earns your love.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> When he started to pull her clothes off she said that is when she stopped it and *the guy apparently got pissed off and started to be an ******* because she wouldn't fully go through with sleeping with him*.


This is why I disagree with MLM.

If he was really that threatening, as you already noticed, why did she ask for another booty call? Seriously, it has been awhile, but this scenario does pop up now and again. She was in danger of assault and you were supposed to forgive her because she is okay.


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## Jkenne03 (Nov 12, 2015)

Philly, that's what I believe she fully went through with fuvking the guy the night they met up. Why else would you text to meet up again if the guy was being a total dbag? Doesn't add up


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Jkenne03 said:


> Philly, that's what I believe she fully went through with fuvking the guy the night they met up. Why else would you text to meet up again if the guy was being a total dbag? Doesn't add up


This is the most logical conclusion. You're right posom isn't going to tell you either. Only your WW can confirm this, if she doesn't , she'll never do the heavy lifting and it will eat away at you forever. That's no way to live.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Jkenne03 said:


> Philly, that's what I believe she fully went through with fuvking the guy the night they met up. Why else would you text to meet up again if the guy was being a total dbag? Doesn't add up


They had sex. She is lying to you about that night.

Most likely he got what he wanted from her, she started using the "L" word and scared him off.

Now (in the email) she was trying to make him think that they could just continue to be FWB and not be in a "relationship".

Any scenario is bad for you. She has checked out with you.

The harsh reality of D is your best course of action. Unless you are comfortable being in a marriage with three people involved.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Jkenne03,

At the end of the day she did alot more, so you need to schedule a polygraph, when you are in the parking lot of the test site you will get a gigantic confession. This will end the trickle truth you are now getting which can go on for years. This confession must happen as long as your W is holding on to her cherished memories with the OM, and has intimacies with him from which you are excluded you will not recover. 

After you have the truth you need to send a message to every one of the OMs linkedin, parents, siblings, church and facebook contacts. Managers should not be involved with subordinates and he should be professionally shamed.

The other advantage of exposing the OM is that he will almost always throw you W under the bus to save himself, this will be emotionally devastating to your W but has to happen to break the spell your W is under.

Tamat


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Jkenne03 said:


> Philly, that's what I believe she fully went through with fuvking the guy the night they met up. Why else would you text to meet up again if the guy was being a total dbag? Doesn't add up


OK, so what are you going to do about it??


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Time to get tested for STD's.
2. Time to see an attorney.

Your wife has been playing you for a fool and if you stay with her she would have been correct.
Your wife is not remorseful and clearly has no problem continuing to lie to you. Her story has
more holes in it than Swiz cheese. She has shown that she has very little respect for you whatsoever.

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Jkenne03 said:


> Philly, that's what I believe she fully went through with fuvking the guy the night they met up. Why else would you text to meet up again if the guy was being a total dbag? Doesn't add up


Of course. It is logical. 

See, the gaslighting your wife is doing to you is an attempt to make you think you are being paranoid and delusional. This is right out of the cheater's script. It is done to make you think you are going insane. A direct, malicious assault on you psyche. 

Your WW is lying her butt off. 

Find a place in your town where they do lie detector testing. One day, while you and her are out driving, turn into the parking lot and pull up in front of it. When she asks you what you are doing, tell her you scheduled a lie detector test and you want her to take it. 

I guarantee she would go through the roof and say "no fvcking way!!" Because she knows she'd be busted hard.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Jkenne03 said:


> Philly, that's what I believe she fully went through with fuvking the guy the night they met up. Why else would you text to meet up again if the guy was being a total dbag? Doesn't add up


It's possible that it went down as she says.

Let's say that she thought he was actually into her a person and wasn't just after sex.

She's caught off-guard at the hotel the first night ("what are you doing?!") and pulls back.

The next night she figures, now that she knows what he's after, what the heck?

At this point he figures that she's too much drama and passes.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Buddy400 said:


> It's possible that it went down as she says.
> 
> Let's say that she thought he was actually into her a person and wasn't just after sex.
> 
> ...


Good point why wouldn't he go back for seconds.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> It's possible that it went down as she says.
> 
> Let's say that she thought he was actually into her a person and wasn't just after sex.
> 
> ...


Caught off guard? Into her as a person?


> *She said the guy did go to the room with her where they made out and he was fingering her. *When he started to pull her clothes off she said that is when she stopped it and the guy apparently got pissed off and started to be an ******* because she wouldn't fully go through with sleeping with him.


If the above didn't happen, I could see where you were going. If her esteem is so low she needs a finger bang and a make out sessions to believe "he was actually into her as a person and wasn't just after sex," she needs more than marriage counseling for help.


Chaparral said:


> Good point why wouldn't he go back for seconds.


Well, we've had players post before. Why go back when there are easier women with less drama? Hubby called the dude so, if they already had sex, the player got what he wanted. If they didn't, he already got a taste of the drama and can find some easier sex with no blue balls.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Jkenne03 said:


> Much easier said than done and forgive me for trying but I know it's done and it's hard to come to that realization. It takes a strong man in my book to try than to run away like a child.


There's nothing wrong with "trying" OP. But, there is time to try R (if that's what you want); and there a time to head for a D. Posters here have been telling you that the time to consider R hasn't arrived, and may never; because your wife is simply *not* demonstrating remorse. 

MC with a non-remorseful spouse is a waist of time, money and emotional energy. Start the D process and see how she reacts. Finish the D if she doesn't turn around completely. If by some small chance she does; that's when MC is appropriate, and that's when you make up your mind on R.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Doesn't matter if she didn't go full intercourse or not. She allowed another man access to parts of her that only her husband and gynecologist should have access too. And I would imagine she responded with at least oral sex on him...at the very least.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Jkenne03 said:


> To give an update here.............................. When he started to pull her clothes off she said that is when she stopped it and the guy apparently got pissed off and started to be an ******* because she wouldn't fully go through with sleeping with him.


After reading your first post a couple of months ago, I was on the fence regarding whether she had slept with him. However, after your update, I am almost certain that she did. If he really became pissed off at your wife and started to be an *****, she would not have later written him such a nice letter. 

Sorry. I know life must be like hell for you right now.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> 4. Enjoy the misery. You've earned it by not divorcing an unremorseful cheater.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course he has not earned this. Being too naive, kind, decent, and weak does not warrant having to go through this kind of hell. He'll become less naive from this experience like many of us do when we first go through this.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> Of course he has not earned this. Being too naive, kind, decent, and weak does not warrant having to go through this kind of hell. He'll become less naive from this experience like many of us do when we first go through this.


He did not earn the pain caused by her cheating. He owns every ounce of misery caused afterwards by his timid response to her remorseless attitude.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Welcome back my friend and thanks for update.

I have really hard time reading your thread,because your wife is still lying to you and she is showing disrespect towards you once again.

When you asked more questions she told you that you are pushing her away doing it. A good wife,who feel sorry for pain she caused will talk with you and try to help you with your healing.

Her story is for little kids and they never "stopped" with fingering. She chased him,she wanted to do this and she was hoping FOR MORE then one night stand. Just look at her e-mail from your first post.

You are not into R and if you think you are doing yourself and your son a favor for staying in this marriage it is BIG mistake my friend.

You can only make this worse if you stay with her,because your son is not going to grow up in a healthy relationship,and what about you !!! You live only once and I belive we deserve some happines in our lives

Stay strong


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## Jkenne03 (Nov 12, 2015)

I had a hell of a time logging in but a great update....I ended up ending my marriage a year ago and finalized the divorce. Honestly the best move I ever made and learned so much from this forum and THANK YOU for helping me stand up more for myself and my son. Truly the best move I ever made and seriously the happiest I've been literally in years!!


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Jkenne03 said:


> I had a hell of a time logging in but a great update....I ended up ending my marriage a year ago and finalized the divorce. Honestly the best move I ever made and learned so much from this forum and THANK YOU for helping me stand up more for myself and my son. Truly the best move I ever made and seriously the happiest I've been literally in years!!


Good for you! 

Did you ever get all the facts of your ex affair?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jkenne03 said:


> I had a hell of a time logging in but a great update....I ended up ending my marriage a year ago and finalized the divorce. Honestly the best move I ever made and learned so much from this forum and THANK YOU for helping me stand up more for myself and my son. Truly the best move I ever made and seriously the happiest I've been literally in years!!


The truth is always hard to take in these situations but it's for the best.

Glad you're on a better path. Never take **** from anyone. Life is too short and it's never worth it.

I'm assuming it was as everyone expected?

The moral of the story "all cheaters lie a lot".


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Jkenne03 said:


> I had a hell of a time logging in but a great update....I ended up ending my marriage a year ago and finalized the divorce. Honestly the best move I ever made and learned so much from this forum and THANK YOU for helping me stand up more for myself and my son. Truly the best move I ever made and seriously the happiest I've been literally in years!!


:grin2::smthumbup::yay::allhail:


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## Jkenne03 (Nov 12, 2015)

I found out she was seeing even more men than just this guy....She will never fess up or fully admit to anything she did. She is with a guy who she tried to hide from me late last year with a chicks name in her cell....Good riddens!!! I'm more than happy to let that sack of **** have her!


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

ButtPunch said:


> I would not even confront over the email.
> 
> See a lawyer and start the divorce.
> 
> Sorry bro and yes they had sex.


This 

Sent from my BTV-W09 using Tapatalk


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Jkenne03 said:


> I found out she was seeing even more men than just this guy....She will never fess up or fully admit to anything she did. She is with a guy who she tried to hide from me late last year with a chicks name in her cell....Good riddens!!! I'm more than happy to let that sack of **** have her!


Very glad to see you come back & posted an update. Also, very glad to hear that you got the courage to end the charade of your marriage. Take time to heal & spend more peaceful times with your son. Do not get into a hurry to get another woman & play mother to your son. My brother did this, but the new wife (childless) proceeded to put a wedge between father & son. Today, that wedge has not healed; although, my nephew is now a father himself.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Jkenne03 said:


> I found out she was seeing even more men than just this guy....She will never fess up or fully admit to anything she did. She is with a guy who she tried to hide from me late last year with a chicks name in her cell....Good riddens!!! I'm more than happy to let that sack of **** have her!


Your self-respect is worth more than gold.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Jkenne03 said:


> I had a hell of a time logging in but a great update....I ended up ending my marriage a year ago and finalized the divorce. Honestly the best move I ever made and learned so much from this forum and THANK YOU for helping me stand up more for myself and my son. Truly the best move I ever made and seriously the happiest I've been literally in years!!


Might I suggest paying it forward by continuing to contribute to the forum? You were fence-sitting initially about what to do, and your story may provide an example for others in a similar situation.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Jkenne03 said:


> I found out she was seeing even more men than just this guy....She will never fess up or fully admit to anything she did. She is with a guy who she tried to hide from me late last year with a chicks name in her cell....Good riddens!!! I'm more than happy to let that sack of **** have her!


She will have a crappy life as a serial cheater. She will chase every new shiny toy that comes along. 

I would keep a close eye on her actions, not in a jealous manner, but as protective of your son's situation. She sounds like she has an addictive personality. Watch for that aspect of it. Be ready to take action. I wouldn't put drug usage beneath her.

Beware her trying to comeback into your life. Also, they tend to get aggressive towards anyone you show an attraction to. Good luck.:wink2:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good to hear back from you, and I'm happy to see you got rid of that dead weight. 

Have you been dating? Are you currently in a new relationship?


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## Jkenne03 (Nov 12, 2015)

I am in a new relationship and I really struggled at first with this being so new and having my trust so betrayed before. Honestly though my girlfriend is an incredible woman and life seriously has been amazing. Right after my seperation I was promoted at work so I must say this past year all the way around was fantastic. 

My ex and I are civil with our son but it wasn't easy getting there. She wants us to be good friends and that won't ever happen. She is pretty delusional and that's putting it nicely. She will never be satisfied or truly happy but that's on her, not my issue.


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