# Well... I'm a little late here



## GotLifeBack

Well, I always intended to come here and post in the LAD forum but I couldn’t figure out what to say. It’s now been 5 years since my divorce was finalised and I’m still not sure, but it’s way beyond time I added something here.

For those unfamiliar with my story, I’ll try to summarise it very, very briefly. 

I was married to my ex wife a matter of months before we separated. We we’re together for 6 years prior to getting married. There were many factors in the breakdown of the marriage, but I wasn’t in the right place mentally to see it. I blamed myself completely for it all despite the fact that my ex wife cheated on me and left me for another man. 

I allowed myself to be treated like a doormat, I allowed myself to believe that I was to blame for her behaviour and the weight of the guilt and regret crushed me for what felt like an eternity.

I came to TAM and reached out and to begin with I didn’t like the responses I was receiving. People telling me she was cheating, I refused to believe it. I denied it. I defended her. People told me that it wasn’t my fault she left, my fault that she cheated. I still refused to believe she cheated, or hold her accountable for her contributions to the downfall of the marriage. People told me to stop contacting her, stop making excuses for her. I wouldn’t. 

Then, people told me I was a doormat, that my response to conflict and situations where I thought she may be upset was to be extra nice or to apologise to her when she was in the wrong. People started to point out my flaws and due to one of these flaws of being a “Nice Guy” I was all too ready to listen. 

People suggested reading, they recommended books, threads here and websites. I read, and read, and read but I didn’t comprehend. 

How could it have been anything other than my fault when she was so perfect? But she wasn’t, was she. This was my perception and unrealistic vision of her and it took me some time to realise that. It didn’t happen fast, and some days I still saw her as perfect but once I had started to break the idealised version of her, a version that only existed in my mind, I began to see the truth. I began to comprehend. 

To begin with, I played at no contact. I pretended that I was focusing on myself, working on me but in reality it was just one of many, many failed schemes to win her back. As you can probably tell, it failed like all of the others.

I did find however, that with each passing week I grew a little stronger and also a little less exhausted and finally something brilliant came from my faux no contact. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment, I think it was likely the culmination of grief, anger, sadness, fear and time but the self-focus and no contact started to truly become something I did for myself. I can’t explain it but during the 4723774th (or something around that number....) backslide/relapse in to contact with my ex wife I went through the emotional rollercoaster, the hurt, regret, hope, optimism, desperation and sadness all over before reinstating no contact again, the next time it just felt different. Like I’d hit a limit or had finally consciously accepted that it was over, and that I needed to get right with myself as I’m the only person I can guarantee will stick around for the rest of my life.

So, I hit the books/threads/websites again to learn why I allowed myself to be treated the way I did and what I could do about it. These lessons I learned about myself are the single most valuable lessons I have learned in my entire life and I wouldn’t be where I am today without them.

There were backslides/relapses from time to time. My ex wife tried to reel me back in because she wanted my attention and devotion, just not me. It was tough and I nearly lost myself again a few times throughout until almost a year after separation my ex wife genuinely wanted to reconcile and I denied her. Not out of spite, or out of anger but because I had grown as a person, I had realised that the idealised version of my ex wife that I so desperately wanted back didn’t exist and never did and that the reality of her was not the right person for me. She hadn’t changed and her relationship model wouldn’t have been compatible with the person I was at the “end” of the story and am now.

I say “end” in inverted commas as the story didn’t wholly end when I stopped posting in my thread in the Going through Divorce/Separation forum. I got busy and felt strong enough to handle it. After the divorce was finalised she made a few more attempts to pull at my strings via text, email, a few attempted phone calls, a letter and oddly an unsigned valentines card in her hand writing which contained only an anecdote about a time we once shared on a holiday. I ignored the other attempts, they were few and far between but after the valentines card I ended up making it extremely clear to her that she needed to leave me alone. I heard nothing after that for about a year, until early 2016 when all of her attempts to contact me culminated with her showing up outside my place of work at the end of the day, heavily pregnant and crying. She begged me to take her back, claimed that she was unhappy with her boyfriend and that he was “abusive and controlling”. 

I would have felt pity but she used to say the same about me, and slandered me all over our divorce papers. Yet here she was. Why would I believe her or help her? It was the same script she’d always followed but she just wanted me to play a different character this time. I told her very calmly to never set foot in my office building or make any attempt to contact me again or I’d have to take legal action, got in my car and drove away. Thankfully that was the last I have ever heard of her. The only time I ever set a boundary that she has respected. Ironic eh?

I still think of her every now and then but it’s fleeting and never comes with any kind of emotion, positive or negative. I also think that sometimes when I do think of her, it’s more of a quick subconscious reminder of who I was then and who I am now.

Anyway, not as short a summary as I’d hoped but here I am, divorced almost 5 years. The lessons I’ve learned have stuck. I’m still in the same relationship I was when I stopped posting in my other thread. It’s still going great. 

But the main reason I wanted to post here now is that I don’t know why it took so long for it to dawn on me, but all of the lessons I’ve learned about myself and all of the ways I have worked to overcome my POS tendencies don’t just apply to human relationships. 

At the end of 2015 I started really taking stock of the positive things and positive influences in my life and the negatives and things that made me unhappy. I worked to change these things also. One of the huuuuge things I identified was how miserable my work was making me. I gave it a few months of deep thought and early 2016 (prior to ex wife showing up at my office) I told my employer that I felt undervalued as a human and that the company and expected too much of me for the treatment I was receiving in return. I told them that if they continued to behave in the way that they did I would resign. 

Over the next couple of months, they offered me more money but nothing changed so I declined. I’d been looking around for new jobs anyway and had successfully interviewed for one at a company I believed would treat me well. I took the job for lower pay with a much longer commute and left the company I worked for whilst going through my divorce. I upheld my boundary.

I continued to uphold my boundaries at my new place of work. If I was asked to do something morally questionable, or if something seemed like a fruitless exercise I had (have) no issues telling my boss or their boss why I am not ok with things. They actually respected me for this and now after joining the company around 3 years ago in an entry level job, I’m now a senior manager and my employer has funded and supported me through 3 professional qualifications in as many years.

This is just one example, but I’ve applied similar processes with friends, family and even my doctor and that’s just one lesson from TAM that I have taken in to everyday life and have reaped dramatic rewards!

So that’s me these days. Doing well. Keeping a level head. Not having any feet wiped on me. Not having any relationship or ex dramas. If I could give one piece of advice to everyone, regardless of personal circumstances, it’d be to get acquainted with yourself, learn what makes you tick, the good and the bad & most importantly WHY and then put in the work to become your best self.


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## Mr.Married

Best Story Ever !!!!!!

Congratulations and well done !


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## Marc878

Glad you found your way. Anyone can.


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## aine

Awesome 'ending', all the best.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy

Congrats. 
Now, please come back to the forum once in a while and let all the “rookies” know their case is not special. The spouse is most likely cheating, and to follow the advice given here.


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## 3Xnocharm

Oh my gosh, this is such an awesome update and success story! I love seeing this! Seeing someone come out the other side and thrive is just so amazing! Congratulations to you! And yes, please do stick around and offer up advice to those who just are not getting it, we can use all the help we can get!


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## GotLifeBack

I'll try to get on and offer up some advice when I can 🙂 

Can honestly say that looking back now, it was one of the best things I've ever done for myself.


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## 3Xnocharm

You should check with a mod about getting your user name changed, too, something that fits your life better now!


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## GotLifeBack

3Xnocharm said:


> You should check with a mod about getting your user name changed, too, something that fits your life better now! <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>


Haha... i put in a request for that years ago. It never happened 😞


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## notmyjamie

I wasn't on TAM when you were here before, but I just love your story. Wonderful job taking back your life!!!


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## GotLifeBack

@notmyjamie it feels like forever ago that I was here, and thank you.


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## Tron




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## Nrecnocymton

Your story (thread) was the first one I read on this site. You had just completed your journey. As I read it I distinctly remember wanting to wring your neck early on. Of course, like everyone else, we didn't have to detach from your ex. It was painful to see your "mistakes" through your writing. Even when you claimed you had no choice but to D her, you could just see you didn't mean it. All she had to do was throw you the tiniest morsel and you'd be back wagging your tail. Then you slowly changed. You could see it happening little by little until you finally understood that she wasn't the person you thought she was. Of course you were told this dozens of times, but you had to see/experience it and then recognize. And lo and behold you got it. And really got it. And you acted on it. It was very uplifting that you continually stayed on the website and never abandoned posting your journey. I think most of the infidelity crowd had to go to you in the other topic area you posted in since your story didn't play out in the infidelity forum. It was also the coolest avatar at the time. Very eye-catching. Can't believe you came back with an update. Glad to hear how things went down beyond what you last posted.


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## Chuck71

WantWifeBack said:


> Well, I always intended to come here and post in the LAD forum but I couldn’t figure out what to say. It’s now been 5 years since my divorce was finalised and I’m still not sure, but it’s way beyond time I added something here..


Been awhile......really glad to hear from you. Always wondered what happened to you.

Glad you finally saw her for what she was. Stick around and give 2x4s. @LongWalk will be thrilled!


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## Laurentium

WantWifeBack said:


> I continued to uphold my boundaries at my new place of work. If I was asked to do something morally questionable, or if something seemed like a fruitless exercise I had (have) no issues telling my boss or their boss why I am not ok with things. They actually respected me for this and now after joining the company around 3 years ago in an entry level job, I’m now a senior manager and my employer has funded and supported me through 3 professional qualifications in as many years.


Awesome!


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## GotLifeBack

> Been awhile......really glad to hear from you. Always wondered what happened to you.
> 
> Glad you finally saw her for what she was. Stick around and give 2x4s. @LongWalk will be thrilled!


I intend to try 🙂 

All good with you Chuck?


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## GotLifeBack

Nrecnocymton said:


> Your story (thread) was the first one I read on this site. You had just completed your journey. As I read it I distinctly remember wanting to wring your neck early on. Of course, like everyone else, we didn't have to detach from your ex. It was painful to see your "mistakes" through your writing. Even when you claimed you had no choice but to D her, you could just see you didn't mean it. All she had to do was throw you the tiniest morsel and you'd be back wagging your tail. Then you slowly changed. You could see it happening little by little until you finally understood that she wasn't the person you thought she was. Of course you were told this dozens of times, but you had to see/experience it and then recognize. And lo and behold you got it. And really got it. And you acted on it. It was very uplifting that you continually stayed on the website and never abandoned posting your journey. I think most of the infidelity crowd had to go to you in the other topic area you posted in since your story didn't play out in the infidelity forum. It was also the coolest avatar at the time. Very eye-catching. Can't believe you came back with an update. Glad to hear how things went down beyond what you last posted.


Looking back at it now, I want to wring my neck too 🙂.

You're right on the money, to begin with when I said I wouldn't take her back and the only option was D, I was trying to convince myself. It took a while to sink in!


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## EleGirl

@GotLifeBack

Your user name is changed. You might want to put a note in your user profile stating what your user name used to be so that people who remember you under your old name can connect the two names.

It's wonderful to see that you are doing so well. Some lessons in life have high tuition... but you learned and seem to be doing very well. 

Few people come back here and tell us how they are doing... your update is really appreciated.


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## Decorum

I thought I remembered your avatar. 
All I can think of was snerg, what was you username?

Congratulations on the transformation, much much respect for the hard work you put in, very inspiring!


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## GotLifeBack

Decorum said:


> I thought I remembered your avatar.
> All I can think of was snerg, what was you username?
> 
> Congratulations on the transformation, much much respect for the hard work you put in, very inspiring!


Thanks! My username was WantWifeBack before.


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## GotLifeBack

EleGirl said:


> @GotLifeBack
> 
> Your user name is changed. You might want to put a note in your user profile stating what your user name used to be so that people who remember you under your old name can connect the two names.
> 
> It's wonderful to see that you are doing so well. Some lessons in life have high tuition... but you learned and seem to be doing very well.
> 
> Few people come back here and tell us how they are doing... your update is really appreciated.


Done, thanks for the tip.

High tuition but high potential & high reward!


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## 3Xnocharm

High five on the user name change!!


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## GotLifeBack

3Xnocharm said:


> High five on the user name change!!


It's about time I suppose 😄


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## Decorum

GotLifeBack said:


> Thanks! My username was WantWifeBack before.


That's right, thanks.
It will be good to see you around with a perspective from the other side.


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## StillSearching

Good job!
Stay Red Pill aware.


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## Betrayedone

You have graduated as the class valedictorian. Time to start dispensing advice, doctor..........


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## GotLifeBack

StillSearching said:


> Good job!
> Stay Red Pill aware.


Oh, I couldn't have it any other way now 🙂



Betrayedone said:


> You have graduated as the class valedictorian. Time to start dispensing advice, doctor..........


I'll do what I can!


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## Chuck71

GotLifeBack said:


> I intend to try 🙂
> 
> All good with you Chuck?


All's good that can be good I guess. Been in the LaD section for almost six years now.

Enjoy the journey....it's always more rewarding than even the destination!


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