# Controlling In-Laws



## FromFarFarAway (Feb 1, 2015)

Hello everyone. I'm sure this is not the first (or last time) a post of this nature will be up on the forum. In-laws, can't live with or without them, huh?  

I'd really appreciate any tips or advice! I am a newly married (one year) female with extremely, suffocatingly controlling and interfering in-laws. 

My husband comes from a very large family with a very strong mother, who controls every aspect of her husband and children's lives. She pressures her children into everything, including when they will have children, where they will live and where to work (!). I come from a very small family that respects personal choice/space, and so this is a shock to me. I often feel like an outsider because the way I think or behave is extremely different. 

What complicates the matter further is the fact that my husband works for his father's company along with his brothers. My FIL is a sweetheart but is a horrible boss. He is always telling my husband that he is not good enough, is a terrible employee and would never survive in the outside world. This is in spite of them (literally) forcing my husband to work for the family company and him working long hours six days a week.

On top of all this, there is mounting pressure on us to have a baby, although we are not ready at all. We want to wait another year at least, but his parents find the idea laughable! Almost every single day, we get phone calls or long lectures about how we shouldn't wait any longer because we will then be too old (I'm 25 and my husband is 29). When they found out I was on the Pill, they almost had a breakdown! It does not help that we live in close proximity to them either. We are expected to visit them several times a week, taking time out of the precious few hours we have together every day. When we are at his parents house, his father will discuss business with my husband. When my husband is at work, his father will discuss personal issues on company time (usually about our reluctance to have a child now). There is NO line separating work from home!

My husband stands by me 100 percent. He is extremely supportive of everything I do, and disagrees with his family and their behavior. He has tried countless times to talk to his parents about giving us our personal space, but with no luck. It is a tricky situation since we are unfortunately financially dependent on them. I've told my husband countless times that I do not mind living on half the salary if it means we get to live our OWN lives and make our OWN decisions, but he feels a duty towards us to make sure we are financially comfortable, and that means working with the family. He often comes home stressed and upset (but NEVER takes it out on me- he always tries to keep a happy smile on his face but I can see through it) and I really do feel like his family is putting a LOT of pressure on our marriage. His family's favorite tactic to get him to do what they want is to guilt him into it-- they will compare him to his brothers, tell him that they are getting old, that he is a bad son, etc.

I try to make him feel better by telling him that this is his family's very odd way of showing love. They think they are doing what is best for him and we try to maintain a good relationship with them. But at the same time I feel like I've adopted my husband's issues with his family and it is making me extremely stressed. I'm a very shy and quiet person, and in a loud, pushy family of eight (not including his siblings' husbands/ wives and children) I am at my most anxious. I sometimes feel like my MIL and her daughters gang up on me or compare me to his brothers' wives. They also do not respect my need to spend time with my own family, and expect me to give up ALL my time, ambition and dreams to be the cookie-cutter version of a daughter in law they want. 

I am head over heels in love with my husband, and would never ever dream of leaving him over this issue. But we both need to find a way to deal with his interfering family. I want to know what it feels like to make your own decisions and not have a persistent feeling of guilt all the time. It's been a year and almost nothing has changed. 

If you've made it till here, thanks so much for reading!  I really appreciate it. What advice do you have for dealing with interfering in-laws if you still want to maintain a relationship with them? Any tips for how to help my husband without insulting his family (he does love them after all)?


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

The first thing I would suggest is that your husband tries to find another job away from the family, because they kind of have you guys by the balls while he's working there. I'm sure you've already been thinking about this, but it seems like the best direction to go in.

Other than that I wouldn't know what to suggest. If you've already spoken to them about it and they haven't made an effort to change, they probably won't. My brother had a similar problem with his in-laws - but rather than it being him and my SIL vs. everyone else, it was everyone else vs. the parents and they all moved to different states to get space (and they all still receive lengthy phone calls several days a week and spontaneous visits).


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Stop reading their lengthy emails, stop answering their phone calls. When they bring up children, birth control, etc. at family functions tell them it's a private matter which you will not discuss. (How on earth do they even know you're on the pill?!)

And I second the idea that your husband should get a job elsewhere.

Finally, consider moving a little further away, like across town or the next town over. And for heaven's sake, QUIT visiting them several times per week. Simply tell them you're busy, you have other plans. You are allowing them to control your life. People only take advantage of you if you ALLOW them to.

The good news is your husband supports you 100% so it should not be too difficult for the two of you to establish your OWN ground rules.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There's an old joke: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."

I think I would attack this problem in increments. Your H loves his family and you love your H, so you don't want to be drawing confrontational lines in the sand. What you want is to establish reasonable boundaries that your H and you can be united on.

I would likely start with the baby issue. Perhaps you and your H can decide between yourselves approximately when you will start to consider it seriously (this date can always change). Then, it is your H's job to tell his family that the two of you have a plan and they need to respect your privacy.

I also think that it would be great if he didn't work for them & that could be a longer-term goal, but I would start with the things that you have ultimate control over.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Omg omg omg.

Your husband needs to get another job somewhere else - NOW. 

You both need to move house further away as soon as it's feasible.

You both need to stop talking to his family about your private business - if/when you have children is NOBODY'S business but yours and your husbands. When they bring it up in person you say "this is private and we won't be discussing it", when they continue you change the subject. Eventually they'll stop, but will likely up the ante first.

If they do it over the phone you say "This is a private matter and we won't be discussing it", when they continue you end the phone call.

If you don't do the above, nothing will change. This continues because you and hubby allow it to. No other reason. If neither of you are prepared to make these drastic changes, nothing will change and you'll have to accept the situation as is.


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## FromFarFarAway (Feb 1, 2015)

Thank you everyone for your replies! I didn't realize the gravity of the situation until I wrote everything down. 

You are right: we are enabling them. I suppose I should have mentioned that we are Arabs from a very close-knit and fairly traditional community where in-laws are at the very top of the social hierarchy. When my husband made a decision that his mother didn't agree with two weeks ago, she stopped speaking to him and we were isolated from the family until recently. It has made it difficult to draw boundaries because of this- any sign of that and we are 'cut off' emotionally. 

That being said, I have reached breaking point and do not care anymore. I will tackle the baby issue first and let them know very clearly that we are in no way ready. I cannot change them unfortunately but I know we can change our reaction to them. We have to take a stand.

Thank you once again!


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

FromFarFarAway said:


> Thank you everyone for your replies! I didn't realize the gravity of the situation until I wrote everything down.
> 
> You are right: we are enabling them. I suppose I should have mentioned that we are Arabs from a very close-knit and fairly traditional community where in-laws are at the very top of the social hierarchy. When my husband made a decision that his mother didn't agree with two weeks ago, she stopped speaking to him and we were isolated from the family until recently. It has made it difficult to draw boundaries because of this- any sign of that and we are 'cut off' emotionally.
> 
> ...


If they cut you off, so be it. Let them and just do your own thing, as you have to do what is best for your own family(you and your husband). I married into a large Hispanic family, but my husband always backs me up and my in-laws know now to never butt into our lives. We'll do what is best for our family and raise our son how we want to. My in-laws have been great, it's actually my own parents we're having issues with who try to overstep their boundaries. 

The absolute first thing I would take care of is having your husband find a new job. I would prioritize that, as the other stuff can wait to be taken care of.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FromFarFarAway said:


> This is in spite of them *(literally) forcing *my husband to work for the family company and him working long hours six days a week.


Here's where I stopped. 

Unless they have you chained to a radiator in the basement, there is NOTHING they can do to FORCE him to work for them.

It's time for your husband to grow up.

And move out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FromFarFarAway said:


> When my husband made a decision that his mother didn't agree with two weeks ago, she stopped speaking to him and we were isolated from the family until recently.


So?

Look, I get the culture thing. I'm very familiar with the Middle Eastern culture. And I've seen people destroyed by it. 

Are you in the US? If so, I recommend that you set up a therapist appointment, tell your husband that the two of you are going, and in that appointment, explain the family thing and ask the therapist to help your husband start withdrawing to a comfortable distance.


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## FromFarFarAway (Feb 1, 2015)

Anonymous07 said:


> If they cut you off, so be it. Let them and just do your own thing, as you have to do what is best for your own family(you and your husband). I married into a large Hispanic family, but my husband always backs me up and my in-laws know now to never butt into our lives. We'll do what is best for our family and raise our son how we want to. My in-laws have been great, it's actually my own parents we're having issues with who try to overstep their boundaries.
> 
> The absolute first thing I would take care of is having your husband find a new job. I would prioritize that, as the other stuff can wait to be taken care of.


My husband and I agreed to sit down and talk seriously about our future/his job today. Hoping it will go well.


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## FromFarFarAway (Feb 1, 2015)

turnera said:


> Here's where I stopped.
> 
> Unless they have you chained to a radiator in the basement, there is NOTHING they can do to FORCE him to work for them.
> 
> ...


You're right, he wasn't forced. We've agreed to sit down today and talk about our future and his job.


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## FromFarFarAway (Feb 1, 2015)

turnera said:


> So?
> 
> Look, I get the culture thing. I'm very familiar with the Middle Eastern culture. And I've seen people destroyed by it.
> 
> Are you in the US? If so, I recommend that you set up a therapist appointment, tell your husband that the two of you are going, and in that appointment, explain the family thing and ask the therapist to help your husband start withdrawing to a comfortable distance.


We aren't in the US but a friend did recommend a wonderful therapist we can speak to here. I'm going to set up an appointment ASAP.

Middle Eastern culture is suffocating. Although I've lived here all my life I've never truly fit in. My family is open minded and not very traditional. When I got married I actually went through culture shock because my husband's family is. I'm slowly adjusting and taking it day by day though. 


Thank you for all the help!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just remember that he wants you as much as he wants his family. But standing up to his family is terrifying. Don't make it about him choosing. Always stay on the same team. Support him in doing this.

And above all, baby steps! Have him take teeny tiny steps in changing what he does with them. And slowly. One little change every week or two, so they can get used to it and not scream at him, threaten him, and blame you.


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## dental (Apr 16, 2014)

29. Way to old to be the obedient son. Time to become the black sheep. Look for work 100 miles away. My cousin did it. Best decision of her life. Good luck!

P.S. So what if she doesn't speak for two weeks to your husband. Enjoy the silence.


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## skadoosh (Mar 26, 2013)

I used to live with my in-laws trying to be the 'cookie cutter version of a daughter in law'. I nearly went mad. Nothing I did was ever good enough. My mother in law had no sense of boundaries - from going behind my back with the kids to giving me advice on sex (urgh!). They lived with us because we felt beholden to them for giving us a deposit to buy a house (a gift or so I naively thought). I lasted 7 years after which I couldn't wait to get out. Told the husband I was going with or without him. He decided to come with.

I kept my distance from them for a while and our relationship has improved. 

The danger with leaving things to go on for too long is that you might end up resenting them and your eventually your husband.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

What is that saying . . time makes the heart grow fonder? Or is it space?


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## skadoosh (Mar 26, 2013)

Space. Lots of it.


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