# Things you said/did around Dday that you wish you could take back...



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

This week was anniversary of DD#1 last year..so I have been reflecting quite alot lately.

I started to think about stuff I said at that time, that I so regret.

For example, I remember telling WS that I was going to go to counselling in order to fix my issues so I could be a better wife...frick, I look back and think what was I thinking when I said that. I just cringe thinking about that...I guess though in my defense I was so taken aback and emotionally a mess when I discovered his EA.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I think that's going to be very common highwood. So many of us follow scripts that we have no idea exists. It all feels like our situation is unique but rarely is that that unique.

There are so many warning signs and really some pretty easy safe guard to prevent EA/PA and to stop them once they've started but we don't know what we don't know.

If only books like His Needs/Her Needs as well as concepts like 180 were mandatory reading before marriage.

My DD was over twenty years ago and it's not so much what brought me to TAM but I do remember handling things very badly. First off was confrontation right off the bat, then self blame, then insecure behavior. I see new posters coming on here in the exact same place but they won't accept what's right in front of their faces (maybe I wouldn't have either) even though many could save their marriages if they did the hard stuff like 180 and listened to posters on here. Instead they scream at these jaded TAMERS not even acknowledging we are trying to help.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I think that's going to be very common highwood. So many of us follow scripts that we have no idea exists. It all feels like our situation is unique but rarely is that that unique.
> 
> There are so many warning signs and really some pretty easy safe guard to prevent EA/PA and to stop them once they've started but we don't know what we don't know.
> 
> ...


Excellent point, Thundarr.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I wish I could take back "I forgive you"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I wish I had not started drinking so much and not fallen into the stupid revenge affair.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I would not have confronted when I found the emails. I would have done the keylogger/VAR stuff and found out exactly what he was up to and what he actually did. I stupidly gave him time to clean out his emails, cancel accounts and stuff, and I never did get a chance to look at his phone.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes, it is kind of sad when I look back and think about how much of the blame I shouldered..yes we had our issues and I was not the best wife at times however that gave him no right to boost his ego by getting attention from someone else. As well as lying/sneaking around/texting/emailing behind my back.

I never once did anything like that...yes I was at times attracted to other guys thru work but I never once took it to the point of anything but just friendly everyday chit chat with a coworker. I did not start privately emailing/texting/phoning them, etc. I would have felt way too guilty to do anything like that.

I wish I knew about this site back then.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

welcome highwood live and learn and dont repeat as they say


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

highwood said:


> This week was anniversary of DD#1 last year..so I have been reflecting quite alot lately.
> 
> I started to think about stuff I said at that time, that I so regret.
> 
> For example, I remember telling WS that I was going to go to counselling in order to fix my issues so I could be a better wife...frick, I look back and think what was I thinking when I said that. I just cringe thinking about that...I guess though in my defense I was so taken aback and emotionally a mess when I discovered his EA.


I did similar things, and I too now cringe.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

highwood said:


> Yes, it is kind of sad when I look back and think about how much of the blame I shouldered..
> 
> I wish I knew about this site back then.


I'm gutted about that not knowing about this site. If I had found this place 7 years ago I'd have had 7 years in a very different life to what I have had that's for sure

Maybe if I could find out where that damn Tardis is!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I would not have confronted when I found the emails. I would have done the keylogger/VAR stuff and found out exactly what he was up to and what he actually did. I stupidly gave him time to clean out his emails, cancel accounts and stuff, and I never did get a chance to look at his phone.


I know..you could just kick your own butt for allowing them time to clean up stuff. When I discovered his cheap laptop back in April that he kept hidden in his truck..I wish I had taken it from him and hacked into it..instead I let him destroy it in front of me. It was password protected..I should have kept it and figured out a way to override that.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Like Hope, I wish I had done more snooping before I confronted him about his EA. 

I probably would have found at least some clues about the sexting relationship he had with a co-worker and the ONS (followed by a few months of calls/texts/emails) with the woman he picked up in a bar one of his trips. Finding out about two additional OW this week, after two years of somewhat rocky (false, as I now know) R, has been something of a blow.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I wish I knew about TAM before I confronted my wife. I did not expose at first and it cost me. She was hooked on the A drug and kept up the texting and photos and sh#t.

I should have exposed on the spot, and showed her the door. R would have been quicker. 6 months of me being stupid before I started down the right path


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

...and for me it didn't help too that my sister as helpful as she thought she was being for me at the time..made me feel like I had to shape up as well. She would tell me yes I remember a few times you sounded *****y when you were talking to him, etc. etc. So from the blame I was putting on myself as well as certain things I was hearing from her......

It is sad...I feel sad for myself that I took alot of the blame. Never again..... what hurts to is as I was saying all this stuff to him about fixing myself he was continuing his online crap with her....now I have reversed it and have told him he is ****ed up and should look at IC to fix his issues.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I think too part of it was this desperate sense of trying to hang on to the marriage...the shock/sadness/anger..it was so hard. I often think it was the hardest thing emotionally I have ever gone thru to date. 

You feel so desperate to hang on to your WS plus this fear of the marriage being over...I remember this terrible out of control feeling that the fate of our marriage was in his hands. Was he going to stay and work on it or was he going to leave....

Disgusting...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Absolutely nothing. He told me of his A about 20 minutes before our guests all arrived for the Halloween party we were hosting. He told me, so I threw him a suitcase and told him to pack up, he can go live with the OW. Don't regret it a bit. 
The discussion the next day, about how he thought I would "fight for him" was answered with a laugh of disbelief and a statement of "fight for a guy that cheats on me? No thank you." 
Still don't regret it. Was I upset? Sure, of course. After three years of his sh**, I had just HAD it at that point.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

highwood said:


> ...and for me it didn't help too that my sister as helpful as she thought she was being for me at the time..made me feel like I had to shape up as well. She would tell me yes I remember a few times you sounded *****y when you were talking to him, etc. etc. So from the blame I was putting on myself as well as certain things I was hearing from her......
> 
> It is sad...I feel sad for myself that I took alot of the blame. Never again..... what hurts to is as I was saying all this stuff to him about fixing myself he was continuing his online crap with her....now I have reversed it and have told him he is ****ed up and should look at IC to fix his issues.


I think I was in shock because I thought we had a typical marriage with the typical ups and downs, but both of us were happy enough to try to resolve things in a fair fashion.

I wish I had done what Dawn did, not to reconcile, though, but simply to move divorce forward more quickly rather than waste time on a False R.

The very first counselor we want to mentioned that he thought my spouse needed serious IC. 

He did not suggest IC for me, just the marriage counseling in which he was trying to help me cope with my grief at the loss of the person I thought I knew my spouse to be.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

The first consellor we went to after DD#1 I went one time to see her by myself and she asked me where his EA was from..whether she was local to Singapore or from somewhere else and I said she was Filipino...wow she said there are some beautiful filipino girls.

....and that helps me how dear counsellor?

I guess my point is sometimes it is not so much what you tell yourself around that time but what others say to you as well.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Headspin said:


> I'm gutted about that not knowing about this site. If I had found this place 7 years ago I'd have had 7 years in a very different life to what I have had that's for sure
> 
> Maybe if I could find out where that damn Tardis is!


Oh my gosh, I am so thankful I did NOT find this site back then. I might have worked things out with that mean arse woman. 

I either learned a lot from it or just got lucky picking a better woman the second time around. Probably a little of both.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

highwood said:


> The first consellor we went to after DD#1 I went one time to see her by myself and she asked me where his EA was from..whether she was local to Singapore or from somewhere else and I said she was Filipino...wow she said there are some beautiful filipino girls.
> 
> ....and that helps me how dear counsellor?
> 
> I guess my point is sometimes it is not so much what you tell yourself around that time but what others say to you as well.


Sorry, your counselor sounds like an Arse. 

What an insensitive, ignorant comment.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

There is nothing that I said that I regret. 

I wish that I had established that we were indeed exclusive and if I had found this web site sooner, then I would have asked sooner to see the text messages....much racier than the e-mails and FB private messages that I helped myself to before I found this site.

Going forward, my fiancé has told me that I will always have access to his e-mail Facebook and cell phone accounts.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> There is nothing that I said that I regret.
> 
> I wish that I had established that we were indeed exclusive and if I had found this web site sooner, then I would have asked sooner to see the text messages....much racier than the e-mails and FB private messages that I helped myself to before I found this site.
> 
> Going forward, my fiancé has told me that I will always have access to his e-mail Facebook and cell phone accounts.


I think you handled things well, and I am glad to see that your Fiance is towing the line and has forged stronger boundaries regarding other woman in his life and is being fully transparent. 

Good work, girl.

I wish I had found this website sooner too. 

It really helped me see my stbeh wasn't towing the line and helped me decide to file.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

They only thing I remember about D-Day was getting very, very, very drunk. She came home to a raging , pissed off drunken man and was probably more than a little scared.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Thinking about it more, I don't know if I could have done it any differently. When I threw him out, I was DONE. I couldn't have cared less what else he was up to - what I found was enough to prove he was a lying cheating scumbag. I didn't want to reconcile at all. If we hadn't R'd, then it still wouldn't matter what he'd been up to. But since we are, it does. And if I HAD wanted to R, I wouldn't have kicked him out and would probably have done the begging/pleading thing and let him delete everything anyway. I'm very strong willed and wouldn't have listened to any of you guys here either 

Sort of a catch 22.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> They only thing I remember about D-Day was getting very, very, very drunk. She came home to a raging , pissed off drunken man and was probably more than a little scared.


I got drunk too. Quickly. I sent him to drop the kids off at a movie, he was gone a half hour and in that time I drank about 10 ounces of rum. I kinda wish I hadn't done that, but only kinda. He came home to a raging, pissed off drunken woman and was DEFINITELY scared.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

When I look back on it, it's not any one thing that I wish I had done different. It's more that I wish I had been different.

Had I known about healthy boundaries I would have seen things getting out of hand early. Then little things like allowing disrespect and being needy is what really pisses me off at myself. But I'm a better person because of it now. Nothing like being ashamed of past behavior to motivate us to change.
I filed papers and moved the process along but on the inside I was messed up feeling insecure, unsure, and deflated.

I really didn't have a good sense of self respect until one morning when we were separated still, I woke up literally and figuratively and switched gears from "needy, emotional guy" to "leave me alone I'm sick of your sorry cheating butt guy" just like that. Of course she started chasing me then telling me how I was destroying the family by leaving even though she was the one wanting separation to begin with (humorous). I'm glad I didn't know that little 180 truth until I truly was done with her cheating butt.

She's cheated on her current hubby a time or two I know of however I don't care to know either way. Funny how people tell you things as if you would care to know.


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## Danielfom (Sep 27, 2012)

Yeah I got one

"I don't want to lose you"

I really wish I could take saying that back. =/


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I think, instead of allowing him to text her for a couple days after seeing the texts, and confronting, I would have told him to cease right then and there or he could leave. I would have had him send the NC text right then and not prolong it those few days. It seemed like it transpired in a matter of weeks, but it was only 5 days from discovery to confrontation to NC.

ETA: I would have found a way to contact her BF IMMEDIATELY, instead of waiting to see if she would try to break NC, which she did. He would have had EVERYTHING immediately, and I would have sent it certified, and only HE could sign for it!


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I found out about my husband's affair one week before Christmas. We had the tree sitting in water in the garage and the kids were so excited and waiting for their dad to get home so we could decorate the tree. Our 20 year old daughter was home from Ireland (she goes to school there) and even she was bouncing around the house waiting for him to get home.

My biggest regret was letting him come home that night and not booting his arse out. I held it together too well, our older daughter has no idea and the R that followed was an epic failure. I wonder if I had of just put an end to it the day I found if things would be different now. C'est la vie!

EDIT: I know I am a grown up and all that but another huge regret I have is that I did not track down that ***** and knock her teeth out. She knew me and with hindsight rubbed it in my face. I hope her first child brings her no less than nine days of hard labor. And a yeast infection!


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

i wish i could take back not letting go of some of my anger so quickly and filed while i was still pissed. this limbo experience now is miserable.


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I got drunk too. Quickly. I sent him to drop the kids off at a movie, he was gone a half hour and in that time I drank about 10 ounces of rum. I kinda wish I hadn't done that, but only kinda. He came home to a raging, pissed off drunken woman and was DEFINITELY scared.


:lol::lol:


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I got drunk too. Quickly. I sent him to drop the kids off at a movie, he was gone a half hour and in that time I drank about 10 ounces of rum. I kinda wish I hadn't done that, but only kinda. He came home to a raging, pissed off drunken woman and was DEFINITELY scared.


I sometimes regret dealing with the situation like that, then I think that things I said in that state needed to be said.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> I sometimes regret dealing with the situation like that, then I think that things I said in that state needed to be said.


Exactly.


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## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

highwood said:


> I think too part of it was this desperate sense of trying to hang on to the marriage...the shock/sadness/anger..it was so hard. I often think it was the hardest thing emotionally I have ever gone thru to date.
> 
> You feel so desperate to hang on to your WS plus this fear of the marriage being over...I remember this terrible out of control feeling that the fate of our marriage was in his hands. Was he going to stay and work on it or was he going to leave....
> 
> Disgusting...


Wow...good post.....this is what I am going thru right now with my wife......feeling a sense of desperation as I try to save our marriage and she seems to be holding the cards even though she has been the one to have the EAs and begin to go outside the marriage vs. putting effort into it to make it work.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

The first DDay, 12 years ago, I handled very very badly. We both followed the script to the letter. I begged, pleaded, carried on like a mad woman. Did not help. That was a PA.
The more recent EAs, I handled much better, since I had knowledge & knowledge gave me power. That is not to say I did not hurt & I did cry in rage & hurt, but there was no begging on my part.
I do feel for those who come on here thinking their situation is unique & they don't need to listen to those who have been there.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Every single response is one that I could've written myself. I hate that I became insecure, that I took the blame, that I told him I need to work on myself...that I love him, that I forgive him, etc.

Part of me wishes I would've kicked him out. I told him to get out but when he started packing, I started crying, and actually told him I would never leave him! (Dang, it makes me mad now just writing that!)

But I also really wish that I could've controlled my anger a little more during my "Meltdowns" ove the next few monts...there were a few, and that is to be expected, but they seemed to get worse - to the point where the next day, I felt worse about my own behavior than anything. I felt like my life had become a Jerry Springer episode, and I wish that I would've tried to handle it with a lot more class. I'm only almost 4 months in, and I still get angry, but I handle it a lot differently now, and it's healthier for me, and for our last shot at R. 

And of all the commonalities I'm seeing in this thread, I really wish I would've started posting here the day after D-day, rather than lurking for 3 months. It does help to see that my thoughts and feelings are really no different than anyone else in the same place...and get support and kind words - along with a good kick in the arse here and there. 

Oh yeah...I too got drunk on D-day and he came home to a mad, scorned drunken woman!! He too was scared!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> When I look back on it, it's not any one thing that I wish I had done different. It's more that I wish I had been different.
> 
> Had I known about healthy boundaries I would have seen things getting out of hand early. Then little things like allowing disrespect and being needy is what really pisses me off at myself. But I'm a better person because of it now. Nothing like being ashamed of past behavior to motivate us to change.
> I filed papers and moved the process along but on the inside I was messed up feeling insecure, unsure, and deflated.
> ...


Thundarr, again all excellent points.

It's interesting that your ex has cheated on her new spouse, too. And, that is the part that helped me file. I see to many cheaters who are repeat offenders. 

I also agree about changing me. It was not so much that I am an insecure or needy person. I am not. It was more that I was in such shock thinking I had a good marriage and initially wanting to save it. So I shoulder blame and responsibility for his cheating that I truly did not and could not own. 

It's funny that now that I have filed my STBEH is totally against it. All of a sudden I am (once again) the best, most loyal wife a guy could have, and now he doesn't want to lose me. 

Well, IMO, he should have thought about that more before the affair and at the very least during our attempted reconciliation.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Gunthar said:


> Wow...good post.....this is what I am going thru right now with my wife......feeling a sense of desperation as I try to save our marriage and she seems to be holding the cards even though she has been the one to have the EAs and begin to go outside the marriage vs. putting effort into it to make it work.


It is a terrible feeling! 

Some people said to me back then, yes kick him out but I also remembering thinking at the time if I kick him out then he will have even more freedom to email, etc. his EA...then they will get closer because then he will actually be separated not just pretending to be.

I think the best thing that a BS can do is do is implement the 180....as hard as it is it has to be done. As well do not protect them...disclose what they are doing to everyone in their life. The worst thing to do is to keep it between the two of you.

I think if I had told our son about what his dad was doing around DD#1 we would not have had a DD#2. I think that got him out of the fog big time because he felt such shame and embarassment. 

As well Gunthar, when they know they have you in a position of begging them..even though they are the ones that cheated, it gives them such a sense of power and ego.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I hate to say it, but the only I regret saying is that my youngest will now be a reminder of his affair. I got pregnant at the spreading of my father's ashes. While I was settling my father's affairs (death), she was writing about how she could help and let's me up for coffee before you drive over 1000 miles to help your wife. And yet I got pregnant. But he does say it saved our marriage. Maybe he didn't realize how much I loved him, until I was willing to have a 3rd child with him.

Now I count my daughter as a blessing from my father.


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

What I said that I wish that I could take back is these little words that are very heavy "I believe you"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Right after D-Day #1, I wrote my wife a 3 page letter apologizing for everything I had ever done worng in our marriage. I took the blame for the whole marriage and her cheating. I also cried like a baby in front of her.

She continuted her A for a month after that. 

Big mistake on my part and I wish I could take it back.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

TheGoodFight said:


> Right after D-Day #1, I wrote my wife a 3 page letter apologizing for everything I had ever done worng in our marriage. I took the blame for the whole marriage and her cheating. I also cried like a baby in front of her.
> 
> She continuted her A for a month after that.
> 
> Big mistake on my part and I wish I could take it back.


I hear ya!

THat is what bothers me too..here I am telling him I am going to go for counselling to fix me..yet he still continued on with his online EA.

To me I think what happens when you do stuff like that is it gives them a huge ego boost because then it is like wow I am hot stuff I have two people that want me. As well it also lets them know that you are prepared to put up with their crap and it also takes the onus off of them and puts it on you...so if you had been a better wife/husband I would not have cheated.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

That's the BS fog. On D-Day and for days / weeks / months afterward the BS is just as crazy and irrational as the WS is most of the time.

I regret not doing things somewhat differently, but I can forgive myself based on temporary insanity. I did the best I could given the emotional state I was in.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Wow, this is a good topic. 

I made quite a number of mistakes, because I just didn't know better. My one year DD is coming up in a couple of weeks and thinking back, I"d do so many things differently. *I simply found this site 8 months too late. *Still, I'm in R with my wife and it's going pretty well, so I guess I'm fortunate from that standpoint. Here's my list:

1) When I found the texts on her phone from the then unknown AP, I confronted immediately, instead of taking the time to gather more evidence, which I was perfectly set up to do. This allowed her to trickle truth and lie about it being a EA instead of a PA and to minimize it. And even though she admitted who it was, I gave her limited consequences and we carried on. A week later I recovered 3700 deleted e-mail (Facebook) messages on her computer from him, with all the gory details of their 2 year PA.


2) When I finished reading about half of them, I did kick her out of the house (after she had already gone to bed that night), but didn't know about the 180. If I had, I probably would not have let her come home after about 4 days and I'm sure I would have started to file for D in the interim. I did give her conditions for her return, but didn't make them stringent enough.

3) I'd wish I'd known about "hysterical bonding" because I definitely suffered through it, not realizing it.

4) I wish I hadn't told her that I knew my own actions contributed toward her having the PA. Now I know that doesn't matter. She was 100% responsible.

5) After she answered all my questions, and I agreed to R, I wish I hadn't told her that I wouldn't bring up the subject again. Because the need for me to be able to talk to her from time to time about this, I've found to be absolutely necessary for my own healing. Not to mention it it's an essential element of having an open marriage.

6) I went to counselor who told me I should look at how my own actions contributed to this. I should have fired her immediately and found another one.

7)I should have exposed the AP immediately, but waited so long he had a chance to gaslight his wife to the point she wouldn't accept the evidence I gave her.

I've been able to correct some of these mistakes, but for some it was just too late. As I mentioned, I consider myself lucky that for now, all things considered, our R is going well because my wife is still doing the heavy lifting. I hope others can learn from my mistakes however.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

highwood said:


> when they know they have you in a position of begging them..even though they are the ones that cheated, it gives them such a sense of power and ego.


That little dynamic boost their esteem and sends signals to them that they deserve more. That they've been gracious just being with you. Human nature, you gotta love it.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

badmemory said:


> 3) I'd wish I'd known about "hysterical bonding" because I definitely suffered through it, not realizing it.


I wish I knew about his too because I would have not had sex with him so soon after dday and in retrospect not at all.

Thinking about it makes me feel ill and dirty, now. One woman here said she scrubbed her skin raw after a session of hysterical bonding. 

Also, later the thought of having sex with him just seem dirty and I could not remove the mind movies of him and her together and him cooing in her ear as he was now doing to me. 

When he told me I was pretty, I couldn't help thinking that I read an email in which he told her the same. 

Sex post dday felt so humiliating and degrading and feeling this way is also on big part of what prompted me to file. 

Anyway my question is: 

How do you feel about sex now. 

Have you banished the mind movies?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I wish I knew about his too because I would have not had sex with him so soon after dday and in retrospect not at all.
> 
> Thinking about it makes me feel ill and dirty, now. One woman here said she scrubbed her skin raw after a session of hysterical bonding.
> 
> ...


No, not 100 percent. But sex is good for the most part. It was certainly more of a problem at first.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

One thing I regretted was trying to appear as if I didn't mind his having "just a friend" lurking around. I wish I had asked more questions about who this woman was and so forth. 

some people say and I believe this, sometimes people want you to show interest to show that you care. so when he finally upped the ante and sent me an e-mail when he was travelling with his just a friend that she had a bf, isn't that great.......I let it all hang out at that point. And catalogued the shabby treatment that I had been receiving in the last month (ie No relationship occurs in a vacuum.)

He wanted to show me that they had indeed split the cost of the trip and so he forwarded me an e-mail that had her e-mail address on it. I learned then that there's a lot you can learn on the internet with an e-mail address......as unique as it is.

He had been hassling me about picking up tickets to the cinema so that we could go together when he got back. I'm sure this was a test for him / me that if I picked them up, that would have meant that everything was ok. I refused to do so.

While he was on the trip he managed to purchase the tickets and he forwarded me the receipt. Not being sure if he had told me the truth that his just a friend really had a boyfriend, I decided to forward the cinema receipts to her, cc'd to him, saying that she and her bf could make use of these.

Some people told me that I was being psycho. And I saw a text from her in which she was telling my fiancé that despite the 21 years between us (she being the younger of the two us) she would never do anything like this. I was glad that I caught that and asked my fiancé was asking about our sex life really a more mature activity than the e-mail that I sent to her.

Which brings me to another point here.......

that is, discussion can be very good because it may bring out certain thoughts that your partner that simply aren't true and they need to be corrected:

8 months after the fact when I finally decided that I needed to clean house of this "friend" or get out of the house, his shtick was that he really didn't know how I felt how about him. I asked him if what I did for his birthday accounted for anything. His immediate response? "What did you do for my birthday?

I not only reminded him verbally but asked him to revisit the e-mails in preparation for the birthday dinner and (store bought) cake that I gave him. He immediately apologised and sent a bouquet of flowers.

but you can't help but wonder, what else did he forget? And is anything worth doing in the future. I triggered badly this year before his birthday and he told me I didn't have to anything for it.

At the same time, he tried to convince me that his EA also did something wonderful for his birthday. He didn't realise that I had seen a FB private message that contradicted a lot of what he said.

I asked him, did she do something for him within the week of his birthday. He said yes, The message contradicted that. He mentioned that they went out to dinner. the message showed that he chose the restaurant and made the reservations himself. He said in an e-mail to me that she gave him a b-day card. When I asked to see this card months later, he said she never gave him one, contradicting what he had written to me.

so sometimes it's a good idea to ask your partner if they remember the nice things that you have done for them.....


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

I feel bad at times I hit him in the face but he at the time he desvered it.
I threw my rings at him and told him to do what ever he wanted to do with them even our family ring.
I yelled at him you loved her all along when we all worked together, and you always wanted to get in her pants sicko.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

lovemylife26 said:


> I feel bad at times I hit him in the face but he at the time he desvered it.
> I threw my rings at him and told him to do what ever he wanted to do with them even our family ring.
> I yelled at him you loved her all along when we all worked together, and you always wanted to get in her pants sicko.


But do you actually regret those things now? I wouldn't have...

Regret, to me, is when the BS says stuff that makes the WS think that they were justified in doing what they did...


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

lovemylife26 said:


> I feel bad at times I hit him in the face but he at the time he desvered it.


I flailed at my STBEH, too on DDay. I don't feel bad 'cause he's six foot two inches 220 pounds and I'm about 5ft 4in. about 106 pounds.

I had all the bruises from him holding me back.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

there isn't much I regret saying, moreso I have regrets about not saying or realizing certain things


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I just remembered something else as well that I did that I so regret and that was I would tell him to leave and then he would go to his friends or to a hotel for a couple of nights after dd#1 and then I would be phoning him to talk all the time either over the phone or could we meet somewhere..

I would not do that ever again..I should have let him approach me..he should have been wondering what I was doing and trying to approach me to talk.

I remember telling him one time..to get out and do not contact me and then within two hours or so I was phoning him...

It just sickens me how I acted around that time....so out of control and desperate. I remember looking at my phone all the time..checking and hoping that he called.

Just thought I would write that out in case someone his going thru it right now...it is hard but do the 180.


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## cardinals_fan (Apr 20, 2012)

The only thing that I regret is ever thinking that a R could have happened.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I think though that, in my defense, when my H was in the "fog" that I had to do what I had to do. SInce he has been in n/c and out of the fog for just about 6 months now..it is very different. 

When the WS is in the fog..it is so hard to try and get them to see that what they are doing is so stupid and that they will regret it. In his own words his online EA was like an addiction..it made him feel good and boosted his ego and it is hard to not have that.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

highwood said:


> I just remembered something else as well that I did that I so regret and that was I would tell him to leave and then he would go to his friends or to a hotel for a couple of nights after dd#1 and then I would be phoning him to talk all the time either over the phone or could we meet somewhere..
> 
> I would not do that ever again..I should have let him approach me..he should have been wondering what I was doing and trying to approach me to talk.
> 
> ...


Please don't feel ashamed because you loved him and wanted to save your marriage. 

I agree a 180 would have been healthier for you, but please don't beat yourself up for wanting to honor your marriage vows. 

He is the one who should be ashamed, not you.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cardinals_fan said:


> The only thing that I regret is ever thinking that a R could have happened.


Oh yes. I forgot to mention that, too. 

I regret agreeing to reconcile the first time. 

He had already shown me that he had an immature coping style to problems in life or marriage. 

And during a supposedly good R, he was getting lap dances. Is that remorse?
No. It's a sense of entitlement. 

He said he did it because he was angry that I wanted transparency.

He has immature coping styles to stressful situations, Why did I have the audacity to believe that would change. 

I think most cheaters will cheat again if the opportunity arises and they are unhappy about some typical marital issue. 

That's there coping style, they are self absorbed and tend to blame others.


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## cardinals_fan (Apr 20, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Oh yes. I forgot to mention that, too.
> 
> I regret agreeing to reconcile the first time.
> 
> ...


I agree 100% Thats what she still does. Blames me for it?? I work 2 jobs, put a beautiful home over her head, and yet somehow it is may fault too???


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I was very lucky. I Googled 
" What does "I want space" in a relationship mean?" 


That landed me on TAM within a few minuets. and only 10 days post Dday I posted here and got smacked in the head by the CWI regulars and then acted on the advice offered. 

If not for that I would have a ton of regrets. i would have done all the things everyone does and I seriously doubt I would be anywhere near as recovered as i am. 


I wish I could have let go faster, but 25 years is half a lifetime. 
It takes time. I am 18 months post Dday now. 
So no regret there.

The only regret I have is that i loved her so much, for so long.


Incidentally if you Google 
" I love you, but I'm not in love with you"

That also lands you here. 

I just gave it a helping hand too. lol


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Will you marry me... oh wait you said DD.

I said something along the lines that I always loved her and couldn't believe she'd done this to our family. Based on her response- I wish I would have just said I'm filing.

wd


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