# Issues with sex and sex related things!



## ChevronStripes (Feb 27, 2013)

Hello, this is my first ever post to a forum and I hope to get some helpful advice from this. I appreciate all advice and criticisms and thank you in advance.

My husband and I have been married for about 4 years now. We got married kind of young and were actually both virgins when we got married. Since the wedding night I have had nothing but issues with sex. It used to hurt like crazy and we went for a few months without being intimate. My gyno had me start doing stretches which did help a bit. Having a few sessions of therapy over a year ago I came to realize I could be associated with how I was raised and the negativity put on sex. We have sex right now around 1 time a week, sometimes less, sometimes more. It's less right now because of a hectic work schedule. However, I never really want it. I kind of dread it. Even though I can have an orgasm at the end, it still hurts. So there's our background...

What has been bothering me, and what drew me to come post on a forum like this is what I discovered a few days ago. My husband and I have separate laptops. My laptop was charging so I went to use his. As I started typing in the search bar google had saved some previous searches. Some porn sites had come up, which I already knew he occasionally visited and thought I was fine with. However, I got curious and did a history search and saw that he visited them a lot more than "occasionally". And the type of stuff he was looking at just really turned me off. *explicit warning* things like: "big black **** rams tiny asian *****" or "huge **** gives it to her doggy style". The pattern being "big ****s". After seeing this I got really grossed out. I kept looking at his history when I noticed another search for "penis enlargements" and even an amazon product of a "penis enlarger". Now, he didn't order this but it completely disgusted me. 

Should I be concerned? I need someone to tell me if my emotions are valid. Because I know since we don't do it as often as he would like does that give him the right to look at porn? I thought I was ok with him watching porn but after reading of the type he enjoys watching...I don't know. 

Another 2 things I discovered were 2 emails that he has with fake names on them. His password was the same as his computer password so I was able to log into the emails (I know, I know, invasion of privacy but I couldn't help it!) but I didn't find anything in them. The only thing there was the first email the email company sends out "welcoming" you to their email. No SENT emails, no TRASH, no DRAFTS, nothing. One of the emails is linked up to an amazon account. Which, is odd because we share an Amazon Prime account. I never ever thought he was the type to cheat, he works so much that he doesn't have time. I know he is at work because he works construction and smells pretty nasty. Lol, I think most guys that are having a fling on the side would want to "freshen up". But I could be wrong.

This has put me in such a dark place. It's hard for me to have a good attitude and I'm not sure the steps I should be taking. We are usually pretty honest with each other so finding out "secrets" is rather off putting.

Thank you so much!


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

I personally think you are overreacting to the porn. Those titles are really nothing. Ultimately, it's just porn. Sounds like your sheltered past has you all worked up.
It is nothing really. He probably is using the emails to join porn sites so you would not be aware of them. He should not be guilted into hiding his masturbation from you...the two of you need to embrace each other's masturbation and enjoy.
I personally think you should open your eyes a little bit and understand that if you are only doing it once a week, he is going to need some release otherwise. Perhaps you can share some soft porn with him and either watch him pleasure himself in front of you, or why don't you just pleasure him, and why couldn't he pleasure you at the same time via oral or just some hand stimulation?
Relax a little and enjoy your husband's sexuality...you'll surly enjoy yours as well.


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## ChevronStripes (Feb 27, 2013)

Thank you for the advice IndyTMI. However, I do want to clear one thing up that you may have assumed. I do not mind at all that he masturbates, we both do and are aware of it. sometimes when I'm not into having sex I offer to give him a hand job or bj and sometimes he is satisfied with that and other times he gets upset that I don't want to go further. I'm not really into watching porn together, I don't know, just doesn't seem like something I could fully be into or be comfortable with. I know, it's rather funny. My sense of humor is kind of obscene and pretty out there, I don't think anyone would assume how much of a prude I probably am


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I don't think that is evidence of cheating. He may have the emails with the fake name to register at porn sites because he is afraid of getting a lot of junk mail.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

ChevronStripes said:


> Thank you for the advice IndyTMI. However, I do want to clear one thing up that you may have assumed. I do not mind at all that he masturbates, we both do and are aware of it. sometimes when I'm not into having sex I offer to give him a hand job or bj and sometimes he is satisfied with that and other times he gets upset that I don't want to go further. I'm not really into watching porn together, I don't know, just doesn't seem like something I could fully be into or be comfortable with. I know, it's rather funny. My sense of humor is kind of obscene and pretty out there, I don't think anyone would assume how much of a prude I probably am


I can appreciate you not being into porn. It just isn't for some people...my wife included. Ultimately, the titles are to draw you in when the videos themselves are simply showing a couple having sex. 
Just imagine if the two of you made a video...how would your husband title it??? Young stud with huge **** nails his tight wife!


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

ChevronStripes said:


> This has put me in such a dark place. It's hard for me to have a good attitude and* I'm not sure the steps I should be taking.* We are usually pretty honest with each other so finding out "secrets" is rather off putting.
> 
> Thank you so much!


The first steps you should be taking 1st, communication, 2nd communication, 3rd communication. In that order.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi Chevron,

The way I read your post is that you have discovered that your H has been viewing porn, with titles that make you feel very uncomfortable. You have also discovered new email accounts, though they were empty of all mail. What concerns you is that the pain you feel during sex might have turned him away from you and toward porn and ultimately toward another woman. Right?

Here's what I adore a out your post. Although sex is a subject you are just learning to feel comfortable with, you are seeking ways to ensure your marriage is a strong one, which includes satisfying sex for to both.

Men experience their sexuality differently from women. They are visual creatures and the images on screen, in real life, or in their minds have a direct and immediate impact on their arousal. Arousal feels good, for both men and women. Because men have a much higher level of testosterone, the hormone that drives the sex drive in both men and women, they have a stronger drive and they therefor seek arousal more frequently. 

All things being equal, there is nothing wrong with a man, or a woman, watching porn. It feels good. 

In your situation, I think it's possible your husband may be viewing more porn than he normally would, so that he doesn't ask too much from you. No man wants to put his wife in pain to satisfy his need for sex. Again, from what you describe, this increase in porn isn't something to worry about. While the history may be extensive, what it's not saying is how much time he spent on that site. He might be clicking through porn trying to find something specific, or someone specific.

You also mentioned that both you and H were virgins. Women are rather complicated creatures and I suspect he's looking through porn to find a way to make love to his bride and not harm her. I suspect he may think if he views lots of different porn, he may learn some new tricks and magically make you better able to have sex without pain.

Ask your husband if he would like to have sex more often and if so how much more often?

Ask him if he doesn't approach you about sex for fear of being rejected or for fear of causing you hurt.

Ask him if he has any ideas of ways you two can come together and enjoy sex as frequently as you both desire.

Tell your husband your fear of turning him away from you as a result of the pain you still experience.

Tell your husband how frequently you feel like having sex.

Both of you come back to this forum and comb through the sex section together. You both will learn a lot and you both will be relieved to know that whatever problem you are facing, there are many others right her facing the same.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

A man who is not sexually fulfilled in his marriage will turn to porn. Or worse (cheating, prostitutes or divorce). So of the 4 items he could turn to, which one do you prefer?


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Chevron, you have gotten some good responses already, but here are my thoughts. First of all, we were married young also, 16 & 17, and she was pregnant. My wife did not have the pain issue you have, but she did experience much shame and guilt because of her religious upbringing and things were different in the early seventies (we are going on 41 years). Things that are drilled into our head are difficult to overcome and it has been a slow process for her. Today, she has shed those ridiculous inhibitions...thankfully. 

So what was it about your upbringing that makes you not desire sex? Also, are you still seeking to solve the pain issue? Do you continue to consult your doctor regarding this? It is an issue that you mus solve. The emotional issues may take longer.

Here's the thing. Your husband wants you, not anyone else. But he really can't have you...not fully anyway. Sure masturbation provides relief, but that is only a small part of why a man wants to make love to his wife. Please read this:
Why (and How) Sex is Important to Men

So for the sake of your marriage get whatever help you need to fix this. Feel free to PM me if I can help.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> ...In your situation, I think it's possible your husband may be viewing more porn than he normally would, so that he doesn't ask too much from you. No man wants to put his wife in pain to satisfy his need for sex. Again, from what you describe, this increase in porn isn't something to worry about. While the history may be extensive, what it's not saying is how much time he spent on that site. He might be clicking through porn trying to find something specific, or someone specific...


Anon makes some good points, but let me expand on this part in particular.

My W and I were also both virgins when we met, and we also came from very conservative, religious backgrounds. Sex for my W was very painful in the beginning, and seven years later, we still have to start very gently. It's only been within the last month or so that we didn't have to use so much lube that I could barely feel anything.

This put a huge damper on our sex life. My W was incredibly self conscious about it, which only made her pain worse, and for my part, I certainly did not relish the thought that sex was hurting my W. Sex turned into this awful chore for both of us, where I had to spend thirty minutes getting her prepped only for her to start making painful faces during the act itself, and with her aware the entire time how her pain was ruining what was supposed to be a great experience. I wish I could say that I did not become resentful of her, though I knew it wasn't anything she was doing intentionally.

What we've figured out through the years is that much of her pain was attributable to anxiety, shame, and guilt in her mind regarding her sexuality. As she's become more comfortable with her own sexuality, the pain is disappearing.

So as anon said, you really need to start becoming in touch with your sexuality. I hate to sound dismissive, but people hang entirely too much emotional BS on sex. It's just sex between you and your H, it's supposed to be fun!

Also, schedule an appointment with your gyno to make sure everything down there is good to go.

Having said that, his fantasies/porn habits of big d!ck stuff, while not uncommon among men, would seem to run counter to your pain issues. However, he could just be frustrated, thinking he doesn't turn you on due to some shortcoming of his. That's how my mind was at first, I kept thinking that if I were a better lover, my W would be so turned on that she wouldn't feel any pain. Unfortunately, the mind and the genitals are not so easily untangled.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hicks said:


> A man who is not sexually fulfilled in his marriage will turn to porn. Or worse (cheating, prostitutes or divorce). So of the 4 items he could turn to, which one do you prefer?


Cause yeah, God forbid said man turn to actual help. Yes, don't work on the problem and instead hire a hooker!

OP, this is not representative of most men, so hit the ignore button.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Random thought, 
If your husband was a virgin before marriage and only has porn to show him how the deed is done, maybe part of the reason it hurts is he's trying to emulate the porn he sees.

Does he initiate foreplay to get you ready first? If so is it enjoyable? dont want to make you blush but are you wet before he enters you?


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

First off, everything is fine. You are blowing this way out of proportion.

The porn is fine as long as he chooses you over it. Dont worry about the names, they are meant to be as tasteless and funny as possible. My personal fave titles are Free Your Willy, Forest Hump, and Thighs Wide Open. Dont worry about this at all. I have never seen a porn movie with a "nice" title. I dont think a porno named "Fine young gentleman who beds beautiful young lady" would sell much.

Next, the email address. Dont worry about it. I'm sure he knows the ton of spam he is going to get. I have email addresses made specifically for signing up to forums and newsletters because i dont want my main to be filled with junk. Especially dont worry if he didnt bother using a different password.

Finally, as far as the penis enlargement....if he was a virgin and since he has been watching porn, he probably feels very inadequate about his size. He probably has no idea what a normal size is for a penis and thinks all men are hung like horses. He is probably feeling very insecure. I dont know if hes big or not, but you throwing a comment about how big it is will inflate his ego to astronomical levels and help him lose his insecurity.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm confused about the pain part- Not that the OP is having it, but that her H is checking out enhancement products when he knows he's already hurting her. She hasn't specified how big he is, and maybe doesn't even know if he's average or large, because being a virgin she has nothing to compare it to? I dunno, it just doesn't make sense.. For all we know this guy might have a gigantic package that would hurt most women?

Chevron- Me and the wife both masturbate often, and we both use porn regularly, and we share it (send links) to each other, and one thing is clear- we're both into very different types and guess what? That's just fine, normal, and no big deal. The stuff we share are usually videos we find that bridge shared interests. It's good that you and your H can be open about masturbating, and that you do it shows that you can enjoy sex, orgasm, and understand that it's not all about pain. I think you are in a good place with your sexuality. Everyone here is right to say you need to let go a little more of the inhibitions, as we all know that the typical upbringing typically makes us feel ashamed of our sexuality. I hope the pain goes away and things get better for you.


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## ChevronStripes (Feb 27, 2013)

Thanks everyone. It has been a big help to hear things for varying points of views.

What some of you were wondering, my husband (according to him) is of average size. Not big and not small. But he definitely feels big inside! And my main concern was that he was checking these things out when he already knows I have pain. I didn't make that clear. 

As far as foreplay and being wet enough. It happens sometimes and sometimes not but we do use a lot of lube. My mind wonders so much during that type of intimacy that it's hard to concentrate on enjoying. And Gyno? My gyno appointments are rough. The first few times I passed out in the office from anxiety. And when I finally had a successful exam the Dr did say that I was rather narrow but shouldn't be experiencing the level of pain I as of course.

Without going into an intense amount of detail on my past and upbringing I will just say that most of my family had children way to young. My mother had her first at 15. From then on she spoke about sex and what will happen if you have sex too early, what God thinks about pre martial sex and masturbation (as a teenager I had massive amounts of guilt after masturbating that I would pray and cry for help to stop). Basically it will ruin your life, blah blah. And she put a lot of shame on it. This also goes with at age 4/5 I was taken out of my home for possible molestation by an uncle. I have no recollection of this but I have heard of the mind blocking things that are too great for us to handle. This uncle has since passed on. I do think a lot of my issues could be solved with continuing therapy but man, is it difficult to find a good therapist and for me to be able to actually talk about any of this without crying out of pure anxiety and even embarrassment. 

I appreciate everyone's advice.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

ChevronStripes said:


> Thanks everyone. It has been a big help to hear things for varying points of views.
> 
> What some of you were wondering, my husband (according to him) is of average size. Not big and not small. But he definitely feels big inside! And my main concern was that he was checking these things out when he already knows I have pain. I didn't make that clear.
> 
> ...


Goodness, it's no wonder that you have such issues with sex. Keep searching until you find a therapist that fits you. Some of them specialize in sex and abuse issues.

I don't know where you are with your faith right now, but if you're still religious at all, I wouldn't necessarily recommend trying to find a faith-based therapist. Others may disagree with me on that, but given that you already have a lot of shame and guilt stemming from your religious upbrining, I don't think it would help.

There is one person, however, that you should talk to, and that's your H. Not just about your religious upbringing, but everything. That's a tall order, and probably something you can't do right now if you're having panic attacks. However, having sex with someone is opening yourself to the ultimate vulnerability, and that requires deep levels of trust. If you can get to at least talking with your H about some of the deeper issues you have with sex, and I mean getting down into the weeds, you can start to establish the sexually charged emotional connection that will lead to sexual trust.

At least, that's how it's worked for my W and I. The more she opens up to me and tells me those deep, dark secrets, the more outgoing she becomes in bed, and I think part of that is trust. YMMV.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ChevronStripes said:


> What some of you were wondering, my husband (according to him) is of average size. Not big and not small. But he definitely feels big inside! And my main concern was that he was checking these things out when he already knows I have pain. I didn't make that clear.


In looking at porn that involves huge dong with tiny Asian chick...He might have been trying to figure out if his penis is too large for you. Trying to discover if you are built very small like the girls in the porn. He might have been trying to assess if the problem is something out of his control, like his size vs your size.

In terms of the penis enlarger... same as above. He might have been wondering, after viewing the porn if his penis was actually too small to be an average size. However....If this is the penis enlarger I have, BUY IT!

It's a clear silicon sleeve that is supposed to fit over a very small penis. It is covered in bumps and ridges. Have him put it on his fingers and penetrate you with it, once you are really worked up and ready. *Holy Mary Mother Of God!* It will bring the house down! Hits the spot all the way in and all the way out. I LOVE that thing!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

To me, this sounds like the behavior of an extremely sexually frustrated man. At least he's just watching porn. You're lucky, so far.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> In terms of the penis enlarger... same as above. He might have been wondering, after viewing the porn if his penis was actually too small to be an average size. However....If this is the penis enlarger I have, BUY IT!
> 
> It's a clear silicon sleeve that is supposed to fit over a very small penis. It is covered in bumps and ridges. Have him put it on his fingers and penetrate you with it, once you are really worked up and ready. *Holy Mary Mother Of God!* It will bring the house down! Hits the spot all the way in and all the way out. I LOVE that thing!


What exactly is this sleeve called and where would one buy it. I just want to make sure the OP is informed


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Adonis Penis Extension/Sleeve - Penis Enhancers at Adam & Eve

Proper research and all. I completely understand. Mrs. Henderson can send thanks when she is recovered!


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Chevron, after reading your story, it is amazing that you can engage in sex at all. I really think you both need counseling. I say both because he really needs to know what you are dealing with. I am not a trained counselor, but I have done a lot of reading and it seems like you tense your muscles in the vagina involuntarily. The trauma that you have suffered could very well be causing this. Again, only opinion, but for your sake and his, you need to get this solved.

I don't know if this story totally illustrates this, but my wife would not let me give her oral for years. It was all about her past guilt and feeling like it was "dirty." When she finally let me...WOW...she discovered what she had been missing!!

I really think that as you get help and awaken your sexuality, you will discover a whole new world of intimacy and enjoyment. Please get some help.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

IMO it's just porn. I only think porn is a problem if its affecting the quality or quantity of the sex in relationship, and it seems like its you who wants less sex, so that doesn't seem to be the issue. 

Personally, I don't think I have a right to control or judge what turns my husband on. Now...I suppose I am probably a hypocrite, because if he were looking at illegal things or maybe poop porn...well then I'd be upset/grossed out.  (Although I would still feel he had every to be into something I thought was gross....I just wouldn't want to involve myself.)

I'm sorry that sex is painful for you, but I don't think that has anything to do with your husband liking porn. Big ****s...tiny asian women...that's kind of standard fair on youp*rn or the like. And I don't think that people have to "turn" to porn just because they're missing something in their relationships. I have a good relationship with my husband, have sex currently at least a few times a week and still look at porn at least a few times a week...just for fun.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Adonis Penis Extension/Sleeve - Penis Enhancers at Adam & Eve
> 
> Proper research and all. I completely understand. Mrs. Henderson can send thanks when she is recovered!


I sure hope she'll send her thanks. First, we need to have sex. But I'm going to try this with someone, eventually. Word.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

OP, most porn have titles like that: huge ****, tiny *****. That's how much of the porn industry is. However, if you want to participate in his porn viewing, perhaps you can invite him to watch porn that works for you. Some people here really like xart.com and sexart.com. I also enjoy joymii.com. People here find it more tasteful and considerate of each sex.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

This virgin marrying thing is killing me. Between these threads and my virgin-till-married brother in law, whose sexual ignorance was a big part in his ruined marriage, I'm seriously wondering if abstinence is a worthy plan for anyone? I say this with 5 daughters to raise. Before you crucifiy me I'm not seriously advocating a propremarital sex agenda as a maturation class topic. I'm wondering if newlywed virgins really do need a class or mentor program?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChevronStripes (Feb 27, 2013)

Last poster - I have told my husband time and time again if I could go back and change anything I would in a heartbeat. We were both very religious and were trying to be good Christians. However, as time has gone by and we have seen different things go on, we both stopped attending. I completely agree with you. When we have children I plan on telling them to be careful, of course, but they will know when they are ready. I think with both of us either prior experience with other partners or just extra experience before we got married would have helped us tremendously. He doesn't think so. He likes that we were both each other's firsts and that we are able to say we waited till the wedding...but, ain't much to say when our consummation didn't even happen till a few days later because it was too much pressure for me and hurt like no other pain I knew of. Sitting in a warm Jacuzzi tub most of the night to ease the pain wasn't my idea of a romantic "first night".

However, we are not these prude, hardcore Christians I may be making us out to seem. He listens to Metallica. I love anything from Bjork to Nine Inch Nails. And we both are obsessed with things like South Park, Louis C.K., and anything else that is off-collar. We knew how everything worked. I think it was just the upbringing and heavy amount of shame and guilt put on us having premarital sex.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Does H go with you to doctor's? Given the right doctor, that might help him. Sometime, as previously suggested , men really don't know the inner workings of those parts. And porn isn't the right place to find it. We've had good luck with certain family doctors who actually treat the family. And I wouldn't necessarily write off faith based support groups....they do have a vested interest in making it work. No sex on wedding night? That's a rough start!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

I don't suggest this as a long term solution (always be careful with medication) - but anticipating discomfort (correctly) on our wedding night, and for a few nights after, my wife took over-the-counter painkillers before sex, until it stopped hurting.

The thing with sex is, like almost all activities, you get better with practise.
Porn, whether you're in favour or not, is not a good practise for actual sex.

The more turned on you are, the better lubricated and more open you can become - so your arousal is important, and won't be helped by anxiety - lots of foreplay, and perhaps some additional lubrication might help (there are some nice flavoured ones - we have a range, and pick one according to taste, just for fun sometimes.)

I don't think being a virgin is an issue, after all, everyone is to begin with -my wife was on our wedding night, and it took a few days for sex to become good - and not long after it became great (lots of practise!)

In summary, Relax, be aroused, and expect to enjoy it.

If pain continues, your medical experts need to examine more carefully - it shouldn't last.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

P.S. - wrap it up and swim in it until you drown - your moral standing (should be) lying down ...


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