# I Don't know what to do now



## Need2talkaboutit (Mar 14, 2013)

Here is my story. I will try to keep it short so as not to lose your attention. I am 40 wife is 37. Been married 8 years 4 yr old boy by us and a 12yr old girl from her previous marriage. Love love love my family.
Two years ago caught her sexting and communicating with an ex. Pictures and all. Confronted her and thought we worked through it(I am still very hurt by it). Last year I found her response to a sexual ad on Craigslist but nothing more. She brushed it off as innocent and with no intent behind it. Recently I came a crossed a text to a close friend of hers at work telling him that she had him on her mind. They communicate a lot even sometimes on weekends or after hours. I confronted her with the text and told her I thought that it was an inappropriate thing to say and she agreed. Now all texts between them have seemingly stopped and I found her using her work cell to communicate with him. Anytime I check her phone it is on the call log. As if calls are being erased. Is there a way to recover the call log and possible erased texts on an iPhone 5. She has her own personal cell account seperate from the one I use from my business. When I saw what I thought was an inappropriate text to her friend I explained how important transparency was with her male friend and now it's being hidden from me. What would anyone think? I do not want to confront her about this until I know more for fear of driving it further underground. Any advise or other thoughts out there?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Do not confront too early. Try to remain calm. Expert help will be here soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Your wife is a serial cheater and is conducting at least emotional affairs and I doubt she's ever stopped 

You need to investigate deeper

Put a VAR in her car and a key logger on the PC. NOW
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

iPhone Text Recovery


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## SalvageMyMarriage (Apr 6, 2013)

Why don't you confront her again? It seems like she doesn't really think it is wrong by her repetitive actions. Tell her it's not being fair to you and ask her to commit to never doing it again.. I feel couples should remain truthful no matter what.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

SalvageMyMarriage said:


> Why don't you confront her again? It seems like she doesn't really think it is wrong by her repetitive actions. Tell her it's not being fair to you and ask her to commit to never doing it again.. I feel couples should remain truthful no matter what.


Sorry but this is wrong advice. New confrontation without evidence? without being ready to kick her off the fence for once by enforcing boundaries and playing hard ball?
It's doing the same thing again. It didn't work. She seems to give sh1t.

Evidence gathering, serious snooping (VARS, spyware, keyloggers, GPS...), preparing the "final" confrontation willing to risk the marriage in order to save it and following through with divorce, exposure etc if she doesn't comply to a T.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You said she's 37. She acts like she's 13. 


> Last year I found her response to a sexual ad on Craigslist but nothing more. She brushed it off as innocent and with no intent behind it. Recently I came a crossed a text to a close friend of hers at work telling him that she had him on her mind. They communicate a lot even sometimes on weekends or after hours. I confronted her with the text and told her I thought that it was an inappropriate thing to say and she agreed.


She's not committed to you. You can tell her you love her all you want. Write her poetry, sing songs, buy her roses every week. Guess what? It's not going to change. 

Why do you have to be a parole officer? She knows she's misbehaving. Thing is, she doesn't value you or your relationship. She's been fishing. 

How often do YOU go on Craigslist are read the MFW posts? And if you did, would you dare respond? 

Friend, she does and has! What does that tell you? 

My advice: go see a lawyer. Find out what your responsibilities and rights are. 

Get a divorce petition for the internet. Print it and show it to her. 

Tell her to sign it or to PROVE she is no longer fishing for other guys. Let her tell you HOW she's going to prove it. 

Transparency: all pw to all devices and emails
New job: she can't be around the clown she's "dreaming about"
Truthfulness: she tells you ALL that she has done and with who. 

You need to stiffen that spine and decide if you are willing to stand tall. 

(Why did her first relationship fail? Where you around her then?)


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## Need2talkaboutit (Mar 14, 2013)

Her first marriage failed due to abuse on his part. The ex I was referring to was one that predates her first marriage. I bought a var from RadioShack that picks up everything and makes it very difficult to decipher between the radio ,roadnoise and conversation in the car . A lot of background noise. Anyone have suggestions for a better one.
I am truly pissed to have to be doing this. 
Anyone have any suggestions as to why she would continue this sort of behavior. I always make it a point to show her how important she is , how much she means to me ,and we have a good sex life ( at least 2 or 3 times a week in frequency). Why??? It just doesn't make sense.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Yes. A free program called "Audacity". It has numerous filters for noise.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Need2talkaboutit said:


> Her first marriage failed due to abuse on his part. The ex I was referring to was one that predates her first marriage. I bought a var from RadioShack that picks up everything and makes it very difficult to decipher between the radio ,roadnoise and conversation in the car . A lot of background noise. Anyone have suggestions for a better one.
> I am truly pissed to have to be doing this.
> Anyone have any suggestions as to why she would continue this sort of behavior. I always make it a point to show her how important she is , how much she means to me ,and we have a good sex life ( at least 2 or 3 times a week in frequency). Why??? It just doesn't make sense.


Are you sure there was actual abuse? Or did she just tell you she was abused and you believed her??


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Need2talkaboutit said:


> *Her first marriage failed due to abuse on his part.* The ex I was referring to was one that predates her first marriage. I bought a var from RadioShack that picks up everything and makes it very difficult to decipher between the radio ,roadnoise and conversation in the car . A lot of background noise. Anyone have suggestions for a better one.
> I am truly pissed to have to be doing this.
> Anyone have any suggestions as to *why she would continue this sort of behavior*. I always make it a point to show her how important she is , how much she means to me ,and we have a good sex life ( at least 2 or 3 times a week in frequency). Why??? It just doesn't make sense.


So, she says about her ex. 

Knowing what you know now, it's quite likely she did the same to her ex.

You have a serial cheater on your hands. If it bothers you, then move on.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Need2talkaboutit said:


> Here is my story. I will try to keep it short so as not to lose your attention. I am 40 wife is 37. Been married 8 years 4 yr old boy by us and a 12yr old girl from her previous marriage. Love love love my family.
> Two years ago caught her sexting and communicating with an ex. Pictures and all. Confronted her and thought we worked through it(I am still very hurt by it). Last year I found her response to a sexual ad on Craigslist but nothing more. She brushed it off as innocent and with no intent behind it. Recently I came a crossed a text to a close friend of hers at work telling him that she had him on her mind. They communicate a lot even sometimes on weekends or after hours. I confronted her with the text and told her I thought that it was an inappropriate thing to say and she agreed. Now all texts between them have seemingly stopped and I found her using her work cell to communicate with him. Anytime I check her phone it is on the call log. As if calls are being erased. Is there a way to recover the call log and possible erased texts on an iPhone 5. She has her own personal cell account seperate from the one I use from my business. *When I saw what I thought was an inappropriate text to her friend I explained how important transparency was with her male friend and now it's being hidden from me.* What would anyone think? I do not want to confront her about this until I know more for fear of driving it further underground. Any advise or other thoughts out there?


Based on her history, I find it hard to understand why you would even accept her having a male friend. That's a boundary issue that should have been established after her earlier cheating; and indicates a lack of consequences given to her. For many husbands, that's not even acceptable even when there has been no infidelity. 

Not blaming you for her cheating, but CS's need strong consequences; or they're more likely to cheat again.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Need2talkaboutit said:


> Here is my story. I will try to keep it short so as not to lose your attention. I am 40 wife is 37. Been married 8 years 4 yr old boy by us and a 12yr old girl from her previous marriage. Love love love my family.
> Two years ago caught her sexting and communicating with an ex. Pictures and all. Confronted her and thought we worked through it(I am still very hurt by it). Last year I found her response to a sexual ad on Craigslist but nothing more. She brushed it off as innocent and with no intent behind it. Recently I came a crossed a text to a close friend of hers at work telling him that she had him on her mind. They communicate a lot even sometimes on weekends or after hours. I confronted her with the text and told her I thought that it was an inappropriate thing to say and she agreed. Now all texts between them have seemingly stopped and I found her using her work cell to communicate with him. Anytime I check her phone it is on the call log. As if calls are being erased. Is there a way to recover the call log and possible erased texts on an iPhone 5. She has her own personal cell account seperate from the one I use from my business. When I saw what I thought was an inappropriate text to her friend I explained how important transparency was with her male friend and now it's being hidden from me. What would anyone think? I do not want to confront her about this until I know more for fear of driving it further underground. Any advise or other thoughts out there?


Fool me once. Shame on you.
Fool me twice Shame on me.

Fool me 867 times.....There is no shame.

At what point do you look at the cumulative behavior of this woman? She's not the woman you think she is. She only shows you a part of her and will ALWAYS do this. Some cheaters can reform, but not serial cheaters. I'd print out the texts. I'd put together all of her previous behavior. And I'd hand her divorce papers.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

She is doing it because she can. Get more evidence. Whatever you find be as harsh as you can be.

I was uncomfortable with my wife's relationship with another man. Tried objecting a bit. Thought I could trust her. 2/12 year PA later she is now my ex wife and we both had the worst year of our lives. It's up to you because she clearly doesn't get it - or respect you.

For audio editing. Audacity is good. Also go to Adobe's website and you can legally download Adobe Audition. Do a search for Adobe CS2 download (this is entirely legal and from Adobe's website).


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## Need2talkaboutit (Mar 14, 2013)

He was an abuser and stalker. It took a couple of years and lots of court and jail time to convince him to move on.
Based on the advise given here my marriage and family are f&@ked. That is a tough pill to swallow, however I might just have to choke it down.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and input. I would appreciate any other advise readers might have.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Read the newbie link in my signature. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I also suggest being tested for STD's


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Serial cheater...rug-sweeping...no remorse or NC with male "friends"...

I'd start preparing an exit strategy because it's not going to improve. She is a liar. You'll never be able to trust her...Do you really want to spend the rest of your life snooping on your wife, someone who is supposed to love you enough to forsake all others?

Seriously think about that.


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## arked (Mar 2, 2013)

I do not believe she has any respect for you. File for a divorce and make her move out. Work on yourself and lookup the 180. She needs to understand you will not put up with her behavior peroid.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Need2talkaboutit said:


> Her first marriage failed due to abuse on his part. The ex I was referring to was one that predates her first marriage. I bought a var from RadioShack that picks up everything and makes it very difficult to decipher between the radio ,roadnoise and conversation in the car . A lot of background noise. Anyone have suggestions for a better one.
> I am truly pissed to have to be doing this.
> Anyone have any suggestions as to why she would continue this sort of behavior. I always make it a point to show her how important she is , how much she means to me ,and we have a good sex life ( at least 2 or 3 times a week in frequency). Why??? It just doesn't make sense.


get a sony var


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Honey, lets go out to dinner. Drive her to SE Washington DC and drop her off in the worst crack neighborhood you can find. You want change, I will show you change BITBH!

That might get her attention. Just my 2 cents David


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Need2talkaboutit said:


> Her first marriage failed due to abuse on his part. The ex I was referring to was one that predates her first marriage. I bought a var from RadioShack that picks up everything and makes it very difficult to decipher between the radio ,roadnoise and conversation in the car . A lot of background noise. Anyone have suggestions for a better one.
> I am truly pissed to have to be doing this.
> *Anyone have any suggestions as to why she would continue this sort of behavior*. I always make it a point to show her how important she is , how much she means to me ,and we have a good sex life ( at least 2 or 3 times a week in frequency). *Why??? *It just doesn't make sense.


From what little you've posted, it sounds like your wife is one of those women who constantly needs the validation of men wanting her. My guess is that she always has been this way, but that you've only noticed a few odd things and never put it all together until now.

You are catching a little thing here, and a little thing there. THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS YOU ARE NOT CATCHING. You are seeing the very tip of the iceberg.

Excellent post by walkonmars about the craigslist thing - can't imagine even looking on that section of craigslist, nevermind actually answering one.

The old flame, the craigslist thing, and the coworker, coupled with lying, hiding, and deleting - do you believe you are just lucky and just happen to stumble across this stuff the only time it happened, or do you think it's more likely that your wife does a lot of this stuff and you are just stumbling across of few of many incidents of unfaithful behavior?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Need2talkaboutit said:


> Two years ago caught her sexting and communicating with an ex. Pictures and all. Confronted her and thought we worked through it(I am still very hurt by it). Last year I found her response to a sexual ad on Craigslist but nothing more. She brushed it off as innocent and with no intent behind it. Recently I came a crossed a text to a close friend of hers at work telling him that she had him on her mind. They communicate a lot even sometimes on weekends or after hours. I confronted her with the text and told her I thought that it was an inappropriate thing to say and she agreed. Now all texts between them have seemingly stopped and I found her using her work cell to communicate with him. Anytime I check her phone it is on the call log. As if calls are being erased.


What if I were to tell you that you could divorce her just for this? As a matter of fact, you could divorce her for no reason at all, just because you don't want to be married to her anymore.

Your wife knows damn well what she's been up to. I usually encourage people like you who come here to seek evidence, and it's fine if you feel you need to, but you really don't need to. You can tell your wife that what has gone on and continues to go on is completely unacceptable. You can tell her that you need her to quit her job. You can tell her that you are done playing detective, that she knows what she's been doing, and you know what she's been doing, and that you would rather just divorce than continue on playing this stupid game. Give her what conditions you want - the truth, no contact, transparency, passwords, etc.

You are fighting an uphill battle. I think she has done much more than you know and I think she is a little damaged, I don't think she can stop her attention-seeking behaviors. Her identity is wrapped up in receiving sexual attention from other men.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Clearly she has lost all interest in you and is a serial cheater. Admittedly EA, but probably PA as well.

My suggestion is to leave her. 

Time and time again you catch her (meaning there are lots of times you don't) and yet you continue to hang around and just take it.

I mean, get the hint. She................ doesn't................ care.................. for................ you. 

I know it's painful. Very painful. But the true question is- how long and how many betrayals before you finally get fed up?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> What if I were to tell you that you could divorce her just for this? As a matter of fact, you could divorce her for no reason at all, just because you don't want to be married to her anymore.
> 
> Your wife knows damn well what she's been up to. I usually encourage people like you who come here to seek evidence, and it's fine if you feel you need to, but you really don't need to. You can tell your wife that what has gone on and continues to go on is completely unacceptable. You can tell her that you need her to quit her job. You can tell her that you are done playing detective, that she knows what she's been doing, and you know what she's been doing, and that you would rather just divorce than continue on playing this stupid game. Give her what conditions you want - the truth, no contact, transparency, passwords, etc.
> 
> You are fighting an uphill battle. I think she has done much more than you know and I think she is a little damaged, I don't think she can stop her attention-seeking behaviors. Her identity is wrapped up in receiving sexual attention from other men.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. How many times do you have to continue to go through this? If the roles were reversed would your wife be so accepting and forgiving as you have been concerning her disrespect toward you and your marriage?

I would suggest that you sit her down and tell if you catch her again then this will be an automatic deal-breaker for your marriage and you will divorce her. Right now the message you have been sending her is that you are all bark and no bite so why should stop having her fun and humiliating her husband? She does not respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

bryanp said:


> No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Right now the message you have been sending her is that you are all bark and no bite so why should stop having her fun and humiliating her husband? She does not respect you. *If you do not respect yourself then who will?*


No truer words were ever spoken.


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