# Help Please!!! i dont know what to do



## goldcoastben (Aug 1, 2011)

hey all, 
Im new here and hope someone might be able to give me some advice or different views on my current situation.

Ok, well here goes.

I have been married for 2 1/2 years to my partner, we were together for 10 years prior to finally tying the knot. We first met at the age of 17 and just hit it off. we became the best of friends and although we had rocky patches here and there we had a pretty good relationship i felt. The reason we waited so long to get married was because i wanted us to be secure, have good jobs, and a house etc. Her parents are very old fasioned and making the right impression was a must. In the early days i went through phases and many dead end jobs but around 6 years ago i went to study IT and now have a well paid career. 

My partner is a fully qualified vet nurse and manages a local vet clinic. She is a very successful person work wise and works extremely hard. We always used to do things together and loved getting away on trips and going camping, fishing etc. However about 4 years ago she took a big interest in Dog training and agility competitions (dogs doing jumps and courses etc) This was great as i was right into my hobby (fishing) so we would go off an do our own things each weekend but always come home to each other.

I guess a little while after we were married things started to go a little pear shaped. I didnt think it was our relationship, i just thought we were stressed with our jobs and very busy doing our own things. (I must add that i have always been a pesimistic person and havent really looked on the bright side of things) so We just carried on with life. For the past year or so i really began to feel our relationship slipping away. We very rarely kiss, have sex about 4 times a year and certainly dont go away on trips together. 

I have suspected something might have been going on so i started to snoop around. I have tried talking about our relationship on many occasions but she would always say i dont do enough around the home and she doesnt know what her feelings are anymore. I would always try really hard for a week or so after these chats but after seeing no change in her i would eventually go back into my old ways. 

Well after snooping around (which i feel bad about) i found a whole trail of emails dating back 14 months between her and a guy at the dog clubs she is a member of. Some of the emails were very graphic and spoke a lot about crazy sex and some even had videos the other guy sent through of himself masturbating. This all came to me as a complete shock, i simply couldnt believe it, i never thought she would have an affair on me. I trusted her 100% and the only reason i looked around was to see if she had personal worries. As you can imagine i was destroyed inside. The emails also said they loved each other etc. To make things worse i had just returned from a two week holiday to Japan which she pulled out on (saying the radiation wasnt healthy), i began to wonder if the affair was the real reason she didnt go.

Anyways, i confronted her about it when she got home and she said there is no affair, nothing is going on. So i opened the emails and asked for an explanation. She then came clean. said that I wasnt there for her emotionally and that he supported her and made her feel good again. It was extremely hard to swallow. suddenly i felt like this was all my fault, which perhaps it is. She said that she was sorry and didnt realy love him and that she wanted to be with me. I said we will sort it out and made the decision to move fwd.

i couldnt help myself but check the emails again a day or two later and i found a message she wrote to her sister pouring her heart out. She said that she loves me but isnt in love with me, and among many other bits and pieces said that she married me out of convenience and at that point didnt see us breaking up. She went on about a few other things and touched on the fact that the other guy built up her confindence and made her feel wanted and encouraged her to reach her goals (something i havent done). She said shes unsure of whether she should stay and try to fix the marriage but doesnt want to be unhappy and in the same place in another 5 years.

To read all this broke my heart and made me feel so helpless and like it was almost too late for me to fix this. Last night i confronted her about this and where we are headed. At first things didnt go well as she told me the email was all true and that we might be beyond repair, she said i dont make her feel sexy or wanted and she doesnt think i ever will again. Of course this burried me, but after a long chat she said she would like to give it one more go. I suggested we see a marriage counsellor and try to get back on track. Shes agreed to that and after our chat we did have sex last night, which made me feel that maybe all isnt lost just yet.

I know its been a long story and there are a few other minor details but thats the crux of it so i hope someone can shed some light on things and maybe give me some ideas moving forward. 

is this repairable...?

should i let her go...?

can she continue going to dog shows seeing as though he will be there...?

Im prepared to do whatever i can because i love her so much and never want us to be apart

Thanks in advance, 
Ben


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## outofideas2 (Jun 18, 2011)

Wow! Your patience and resolve must be very strong. Great idea on suggesting marriage counselling as little will be solved without tackling the issues that led to this. 

I would suggest going to a bookstore and buying Divorce Busting by Michelle Davis. Great book. Your in for a long road but it will be worth it. 

Good luck


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

goldcoastben said:


> I suggested we see a marriage counsellor and try to get back on track. Shes agreed to that and after our chat we did have sex last night, which made me feel that maybe all isnt lost just yet.


Forget about the marriage counselling for now, MC is useless while she's in the fog of her Affair (A). What you need to do is kill the A first. You also need to do elements of the 180. 

First off, know that the affair is not your fault. Have you been the perfect husband? Of course not, no one is. She had other options besides cheating, such as communicating with you on working out the marital problems, going to Marriage Counseling (MC), etc. Yet she chose the easy option: cheating. Most likely because the Other Man (OM) stroked her ego and provided the shoulder to cry on. Your wife is now a Wayward Wife (WW), so consider as such. She will give the common excuses: You weren’t there for her, OM provided for her needs because you couldn’t, etc.

The last thing you should do is to cry, beg, and/or plead with her. This not only makes you unattractive, it drives her away. Trying your best to be the best husband doesn’t work either, because you cannot compete with the fantasy she has built up with the OM.

Now you have to play detective in order to save your marriage, or to get the proof you need to end it. If you can afford it, hire a PI. If not, you will have to do this on your own. What you also need to find out is who exactly the OM is, his identity, if he’s married, and if he’s married, his Betrayed Wife’s (BW) contact information. You will need this info later on.

What you should not do is confront her too early about the Affair (A). You are going to need to gather all the information that you possibly can before confrontation. We Betrayed Spouses (BS) call this investigating. Others call it snooping. The cardinal rule about investigating is NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES!!! This will prevent her from denying the A, which they almost always do at first until presented with proof of the A. This will also prevent her from gas lighting you. Gas lighting is a term used when the WW, when confronted, will say that you are just jealous, imagining things, and that you are just crazy. Gathering enough proof of the A, also prevents the Wayward Spouse (WS) her, from giving you the Trickle Truth (TT). TT is when the WS minimizes what they have done in the A, and will only admit to what they think you know. For example: Most will say they only kissed their Affair Partner (AP) once, when in fact they went much farther than that. If the A has gone to a PA, they usually only admit to doing it once & with a condom! 

If the WS is using a computer as part of the tools of the A, then you will need to install computer monitoring software, the basic ones are keyloggers. There are free ones, which basically only record keystrokes, to the more expensive ones that record keystrokes, capture screenshots of the computer, email you the results, etc. There are good ones like Spector Pro, Web Watcher, Spy Agent, etc. There are also free ones, but you get what you pay for. Why do you need a keylogger? So you can be aware of their communications, such as how long this has been going on, what they have done, and what they are planning to do. Another key tool cheaters use is the secret email account. A keylogger will capture their usernames and passwords. 

Now you might feel guilty about investigating/verifying. Sorry, but their privacy went out the window the second they endangered the marriage by having an A. It is your right to investigate now, so don’t lose any sleep or feel guilty about it. If they try to turn it around on you (blame shift), tell them it’s your right because they are having an A. 

Another tool that cheaters use is the cell phone of course. Some carriers allow you to check online who the other person is calling and/or texting. If you don’t have access to this information, then use the keylogger to obtain it. If your WS has a smart phone, you may be able to install phone monitoring software such as Mobile Spy or Mobistealth. This will allow you to see their text messages. The more expensive versions of Mobile Spy and Mobistealth even allow you to listen in on their conversations in near real time, and use the GPS to track their location. If your WS suspects that you are on to them, they may purchase a secret cell phone. A clue that your WS has a secret cell phone is if they suddenly leave their regular cell phone lying about when before they were guarding it at all times. This brings me to the Voice Activated Recorder (VAR). 

A VAR can be purchased very cheap, usually around $40 or more, at either Walmart, Best Buy, or your local electronics store. A VAR can be very useful at determining if your WS has a secret cell phone. Also, a strategically placed VAR can be very useful if you are unable to install phone monitoring software on their cell phone. A good place to hide a VAR is in the WS vehicle. If there is one place they feel secure in talking with their AP, it’s in their vehicle. Some place it under the drivers seat with industrial strength Velcro. It’s up to you where you can place your VAR. You may want to hide one in your bedroom or the bathroom in order to record their conversations.

Once you have gathered your proof, it is time to confront your WW. This is called the Day of Discovery (DDay). This may well be the most traumatic day of your life. If you have gathered enough proof, your WW will not be able to deny, gas light, or TT you. Your WW will either go into crying fits, be angry, or both. She will try to blame you for the A, tell you she has been unhappy for months or years. Re-Writing the history of the marriage is a common tactic, they use it to justify the A to themselves. Stay strong and know this is not your fault! This is hers!

She will say that she does not know what she wants. This is called fence sitting. She wants the security of marriage, but wants to play around with her OM. Do not stand for this. It is either you or him. There is no room in a marriage for 3 partners. 

Another common occurrence is that the WS will leave the house when confronted on DDay. This is usually only for a few days or weeks. The WW will usually contact the OM about what happened. The WW usually comes home after a few days, but sometimes they don’t. DO NOT beg her to come home. Like I said earlier, this makes you look weak. 

Another common tactic that the WS does is to cry and plead that they want to fix the marriage after they have been caught, but then they take the A “underground”. This is when the WS has talked to the AP about ways to continue the A without your knowledge. This is usually when they resort to using a secret email account and a secret cell phone. If you have not revealed your sources, then you can usually find out if they have taken the A underground. 

If they wish to stay in the marriage, then you have to remain firm and demand No Contact (NC). They must end the affair and go NC. That is the ONLY way to save your marriage, by killing the affair. An A is exactly like a drug, because the WS receives a “high” from the affair. Feel good chemicals like dopamine and others, are excreted in the brain during the A. Giving them a high feeling, the feeling of being in love, etc. 

If your WS is very deep in the fog of the A, and refuses to go NC, or the OM/OW refuses to go NC, then the next step is exposing the A. This means contacting the other BS. This serves two purposes. This helps kill the affair by bringing it into the light of day, and you have another set of eyes watching the other side of the affair. You might even be able to compare notes with the BS and find out more information, or they may have information about the A that you didn’t know about. The other reason is because it’s the right thing to do. Wouldn’t you want someone to have told you what was going on?

Remember the monitoring I was telling you about? Monitoring the WW will allow you to know if she has broken NC. If the OM contacts her and she doesn’t tell you about it, that is also breaking NC. And if you ultimately decide to Reconcile (R), then monitoring will help rebuild trust. After you keep finding nothing, and she is doing her part in R, then you will find yourself monitoring less and less. Eventually you may be able to wean yourself off from monitoring her since she has rebuilt some trust.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

listen to what lordmayhem says. This is sound, real direction for you. You CANNOT beg her to stay, MUST NOT beg her to stay - she needs to see you for the man you intend to be, the partner she wants to be with, a man who CAN and WILL live without her if she's not trying to repair your marriage alongside you. Sex is nice to know she's partially there, but do not let it be a tool to 'keep you quiet and interested'. She wants it and you do, too? Great & fine. Do not pursue it, but be open and available to it.

You can't do it alone for her; she's got to do her part. That part starts with stopping her affair and showing you with full transparency what she's doing when you're not there watching.

If she can't, you go, plain & simple because then it's a one-way street where you cannot win.

What you also need is a Plan B... like, what will you do if she continues her affair or tells you 'I can't do this anymore"...? By knowing in advance what you will do if the situation calls for it, you will have peace of mind and an advantage should it be needed.

Man up, my friend, you are in for a long road ahead. Stay the course, good luck, and sorry you're here.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mayhem's got it. Follow the advice to a tee.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Married Man Sex Life


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are not responsible for her straying---but you are both responsible for not being in a mge.

What kind of wife---goes off to shows every weekend, what kind of H. goes fishing every weekend---that is when the 2 of you are spose to be together---as in H and W----

You really don't need counseling---you need to sit down with each other, communicate---spend plenty of time with each other----you go to her shows, she goes fishing with you----you do EVERYTHING TOGETHER----that maybe will save this mge


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