# Husband drunk texting his childhood crush ,A,



## Kikorboami (Jan 21, 2018)

Hi

Need some advice to understand whether my behaviour in this situation is justified .husband has a childhood group of friends from school who he is extremely close with .we meet up often with respective families and they are quite a bunch to hang around with .Among them his first crush for whom he had the hots in college but who rejected him for her own reasons.She has her own family with kids and is well settled in life .Recently she has left her job and moved to a different country and has been exceedingly active in group chats etc .I couldn’t help but notice her excessive personal messages to hubby albeit all of them on very friendly notes.A month back she came on a vacation and we all used to meet up almost every day .One evening I had an Invitation so I couldnt join them.my husband returned very late and quite drunk.He was half out of his senses.I noticed he was [email protected] in the night and when I asked him what he was doing he said it’s nothing and tried to hide his phone.well,he was drunk enough to dose off within a few minutes.I couldn’t help but snoop on his phone only to see that he was texting her saying that he was again falling in love with her .She dealt with it quite well and said that he was drunk and completely out of his senses.

Well,I couldn’t sleep that night next morning I confronted him and I realised that he didn’t remember much of what had happened.He was extremely embarrassed after going through the texts and apologised effusively to me.I was dead angry and stopped talking to him.He confided to his friends and they all came over (including the lady in question)and reprimanded him and tried to make light of the situation .they were all together that evening and said they were drinking and discussing good old days and wee all very nostalgic .
Well,I did let it go ,cos generally he has been a faithful boyfriend and husband and we are together for 20 years now wit( two beautiful kids.
Off late I have noticed that this lady has been extra active in texting him and kind of Leading him on.she is also planning an all-friends’ vacation in the summer holidays with all our families.I have a feeling she is enjoying this attention and just wants to have a virtual fling and bask in this adulation .But I cant help but feel jealous and extra cautious .I also feel betrayed .I am a bit scared that this might lead to something else..I don’t want to blow this out of proportion and position myself as a helicopter wife.I know she would be coming twice every year and we all will keep meeting up.I just don’t know what to do .Am I over reacting ?Your honest feelings about this would be so much appreciated 
Thanks


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I think that people on this board tend to overreact to cross gender texting. This is different because your spouse admitted in his text that he was falling in love. If I were you, I'd insist that they stop one-on-one texts, don't spend any time alone, and that he not drink when in her company. Either that or have him cut off all contact with her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

....


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your husband is very disrespectful to you. He needs to cut off any correspondence with this woman. He unmasked his feelings when he text her. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh". He is indeed falling in love with her again and she is encouraging it. Do not dance the "pick me" dance. Trust your gut feeling and do not rugsweep this incident. Your husband needs to cut off these toxic friendships that undermine the health of your marriage.

Very sorry that you are here.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I would volunteer to break off all contact after that drunken mistake if it were me.

I do think your husband is being disrespectful to you by not doing that. I think he is risking ending up in bed with her and having to apologize for that, but he is too blinded by his infatuation with her to see that risk.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> I think he is risking ending up in bed with her and having to apologize for that, but he is too blinded by his infatuation with her to see that risk.


I think he knows exactly what he is doing.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

FalCod said:


> I think that people on this board tend to overreact to cross gender texting. This is different because your spouse admitted in his text that he was falling in love. If I were you, I'd insist that they stop one-on-one texts, don't spend any time alone, and that he not drink when in her company. Either that or have him cut off all contact with her.


  @FalCod ,
If you had been here as long as many of the folks on this board you would realize how often "cross gender texting" is the impetus of an affair. It certainly is involved in a very large percent (I'd venture 100%) of them hence what you may naively consider an overreaction. 
I agree with the rest of your post and would endorse those same consequences for @Kikorboami to impose on her husband. With no consequences, the behavior will continue and likely go underground in the not so distant future.


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## Kikorboami (Jan 21, 2018)

Hi 

Thanks for all your responses.Here is the thing,I did have a talk with him and he has blocked her from his contact list right in front of me.he says she is of no interest to him anymore and that it was one weak moment where he did what he did.but,he has an extremely mobile profile and he needs to travel a lot due to his work these days.So iits kinda impossible for me to keep a tab on him and whether he is actually keeping in touch with her .
Also,when we all meet up it is evident that she would be a part of the group and there is hardly any way I can control her Choice of friends.it would be a bit difficult for them to go all the way because we all have mutual friends and if any one of them have an inkling word would go around.also both have well settled families .so my takeaway is she is trying to pull the strings for some fun.i ant trust him 100% and feel even if he doesn’t initiate anything ,chances are he might succumb .i am so damn confused now .Its bothering me a lot.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

You may want to contemplate telling the rest of the "gang" what has happened. One, she may be telling her own side of the story. 2, if you, your husband, the gang and she were to meet up and it felt wierd, then the story needs to be told, but preferably beforehand.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Kikorboami said:


> Hi
> 
> Thanks for all your responses.Here is the thing,I did have a talk with him and he has blocked her from his contact list right in front of me.he says she is of no interest to him anymore and that it was one weak moment where he did what he did.but,he has an extremely mobile profile and he needs to travel a lot due to his work these days.So iits kinda impossible for me to keep a tab on him and whether he is actually keeping in touch with her .
> Also,when we all meet up it is evident that she would be a part of the group and there is hardly any way I can control her Choice of friends.it would be a bit difficult for them to go all the way because we all have mutual friends and if any one of them have an inkling word would go around.also both have well settled families .so my takeaway is she is trying to pull the strings for some fun.i ant trust him 100% and feel even if he doesn’t initiate anything ,chances are he might succumb .i am so damn confused now .Its bothering me a lot.


If this woman is texting your husband and leading him on then she is no friend to your marriage.Make it crystal clear to her and your friends that you won’t be joining any trip with her this year and if she and your husband don’t learn some appropriate boundaries then your friendship with her is over.
She is having fun while you are going out of your mind with worry.Maybe confide in some of the females in your friend group that she has a very casual opinion on respecting marriage,give them the opinion that she is open to offers from other men.That should soon put paid to any trips with her.
As to your husbands phone,get a tablet and link it through the cloud to your husbands phone,then any texts he sends or receives or any messaging apps he downloads will show up on the tablet.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> If this woman is texting your husband and leading him on then she is no friend to your marriage.


Actually, the OP's husband is no "friend of the marriage." If he were, he *wouldn't* have been proclaiming his love to her - drunk or not. If HE won't respect his own marriage, why should she?

She's not the problem.

Romeo is.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If she lives in another country, then why it is a problem for them to have no more contact? I certainly wouldn't go on any holidays she organises, and the rest of the time she presumably wont be there as she lives elsewhere.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Kikorboami said:


> Hi
> 
> Thanks for all your responses.Here is the thing,I did have a talk with him and he has blocked her from his contact list right in front of me.he says she is of no interest to him anymore and that it was one weak moment where he did what he did.but,he has an extremely mobile profile and he needs to travel a lot due to his work these days.So iits kinda impossible for me to keep a tab on him and whether he is actually keeping in touch with her .
> Also,when we all meet up it is evident that she would be a part of the group and there is hardly any way I can control her Choice of friends.it would be a bit difficult for them to go all the way because we all have mutual friends and if any one of them have an inkling word would go around.also both have well settled families .so my takeaway is she is trying to pull the strings for some fun.i ant trust him 100% and feel even if he doesn’t initiate anything ,chances are he might succumb .i am so damn confused now .Its bothering me a lot.


 If you think the "friends telling you" deal is a good defensive measure, you need to read this thread:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...wife-cheated-friend-mine-while-she-drunk.html

It will give you a good idea of how friends often 'don't want to get involved'.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Actually, the OP's husband is no "friend of the marriage." If he were, he *wouldn't* have been proclaiming his love to her - drunk or not. If HE won't respect his own marriage, why should she?
> 
> She's not the problem.
> 
> Romeo is.


 I'd venture there's enough blame for both of them. It doesn't have to be either/or. They both suck. You are right though, the husband's "suck" factor is definitely higher.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yeah, the friends are his friends first.

As much as they seemed helpful after you caught your husband the first time because you guys contacted them, they would never come forward to rat him out. Likely they would never say a word to slow him down, either.

Wouldn't surprise me at all if they don't encourage him to go ahead and have a little fun, as they say.

My wife had her affair with a friend.

They're all friends until they stab you in the back.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> @FalCod ,
> If you had been here as long as many of the folks on this board you would realize how often "cross gender texting" is the impetus of an affair. It certainly is involved in a very large percent (I'd venture 100%) of them hence what you may naively consider an overreaction.
> I agree with the rest of your post and would endorse those same consequences for @Kikorboami to impose on her husband. With no consequences, the behavior will continue and likely go underground in the not so distant future.


I think that your time here has clouded your judgement. This board is an very unusual sample of people, one that is heavily weighted towards those that have been cheated on. 

Texting is not the impetus of much cheating. It is a tool by which cheaters communicate, but so is e-mail, the telephone, hall conversations, etc. In fact, I would be that more cheaters rely on discrete communication protocols like snapchat than methods that leave a trail like text messages.

Cheaters are going to cheat. Blaming a neutral tool like texting because it is used by cheaters is the same as blaming cars (because cheaters often drive to locations together or have assignations in them), jobs (because so many cheater meet at work), or clothes (because cheaters are attracted to well dress/scantily dressed people). Using texts can actually be a method of building trusts because you can set up means for the texting to be available to your spouse. For example, I use a tool that allows me to send and receive texts from my computers. If my wife wants to see exactly what I'm saying to someone, she can just pull it up on one of my computers.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

FalCod said:


> Texting is not the impetus of much cheating. It is a tool by which cheaters communicate, but so is e-mail, the telephone, hall conversations, etc. In fact, I would be that more cheaters rely on discrete communication protocols like snapchat than methods that leave a trail like text messages.
> 
> Cheaters are going to cheat. Blaming a neutral tool like texting because it is used by cheaters is the same as blaming cars (because cheaters often drive to locations together or have assignations in them), jobs (because so many cheater meet at work), or clothes (because cheaters are attracted to well dress/scantily dressed people). Using texts can actually be a method of building trusts because you can set up means for the texting to be available to your spouse. For example, I use a tool that allows me to send and receive texts from my computers. If my wife wants to see exactly what I'm saying to someone, she can just pull it up on one of my computers.


 No one blamed the tool,hence the word 'involved' instead of 'root cause of', but if you removed the tool from the equation the task becomes much more difficult thus decreasing the odds of it even happening. That tool is often the first step hence 'impetus'. That is why most suggest no opposite sex friends that are not friends of the marriage. This is just splitting hairs and being pedantic anyhow.
p.s. I wasn't referring to myself when I was speaking of some of the more experienced, wise ones here. I don't feel I have been here that long.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Kikorboami said:


> Hi
> 
> Need some advice to understand whether my behaviour in this situation is justified .husband has a childhood group of friends from school who he is extremely close with .we meet up often with respective families and they are quite a bunch to hang around with .Among them his first crush for whom he had the hots in college but who rejected him for her own reasons.She has her own family with kids and is well settled in life .Recently she has left her job and moved to a different country and has been exceedingly active in group chats etc .I couldn’t help but notice her excessive personal messages to hubby albeit all of them on very friendly notes.A month back she came on a vacation and we all used to meet up almost every day .One evening I had an Invitation so I couldnt join them.my husband returned very late and quite drunk.He was half out of his senses.I noticed he was [email protected] in the night and when I asked him what he was doing he said it’s nothing and tried to hide his phone.well,he was drunk enough to dose off within a few minutes.I couldn’t help but snoop on his phone only to see that he was texting her saying that he was again falling in love with her .She dealt with it quite well and said that he was drunk and completely out of his senses.
> 
> ...


I don't think this is the end of your marriage, but your husband is lying to you on some level. You don't do stuff you don't want to do when you are drunk. You do stuff that tickles you, that you don't have the nerve to do when you are sober.

You can't live your life as a helicopter wife...well, I guess you could but eventually that will turn very ugly. She may be enjoying the attention, but your husband is enjoying giving it. This is a danger to your marriage and unless your husband sees it as that rather than as a joke, there is trouble on the horizon.

Good luck.


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