# 50/50 Responsibility for Marital Problems



## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Anyone else take issue with this oft repeated concept? I know I am imperfect, but is there a chance that someone willing to lie so much, risk my health, fail to communicate and with so little integrity as well as a huge sense of entitlement may have, possibly, been a less than ideal partner who was responsible for the vast majority of issues in the marriage?
This 50/50 allegation seems trite and lacking in analysis.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Megaforce said:


> Anyone else take issue with this oft repeated concept? I know I am imperfect, but is there a chance that someone willing to lie so much, risk my health, fail to communicate and with so little integrity as well as a huge sense of entitlement may have, possibly, been a less than ideal partner who was responsible for the vast majority of issues in the marriage?
> This 50/50 allegation seems trite and lacking in analysis.


You're not wrong exactly. A lot depends on the context of any statments.

Example:
Problems in my marriage are 50/50 in the sense that she and I both own them as a marital problem and we both have some part of the solution(s). Neither she nor I can abdicate any of it and neither of us can ignore any ownership in the final solution and outcomes.

Having said that, my bad behavior is mine to own completely. It is improper for me to blame her for any part of my bad actions. She may or may not have had a part in any causal factors, but my actions are mine. How we respond and act in situations are completely within our individual control. So in that sense, you are right, there are bad individual actions that could outweigh contributing actions by the other spouse.

But speaking more holistically, marriage is a union of two people. Once that happens, everything is shared by both (problems, solutions, outcomes), even if one spouse has a heavier lift to make things right. It's only when one person goes outside the bounds of marriage, instead of working within the marriage, that problems and solutions are no longer shared.

My 2 cents. I've never seen this topic on TAM, but I haven't been here that long.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

4 years or so post divorce. I can look back and see my attitude and the mistakes I made and if I were to do it over again, I think I would handle thing differently. I can see my lack of healthy communication skills just made thing worse. That said, I think my ex wife is still a bit crazy and our marriage was over and assigning blame doesn't really matter anymore. I will admit I am a butthead.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Megaforce said:


> Anyone else take issue with this oft repeated concept? I know I am imperfect, but is there a chance that someone willing to lie so much, risk my health, fail to communicate and with so little integrity as well as a huge sense of entitlement may have, possibly, been a less than ideal partner who was responsible for the vast majority of issues in the marriage?
> This 50/50 allegation seems trite and lacking in analysis.


I was actually willing to take 50% of the marital problems, considering the amount of fault assigned to me through his affair and afterward was something like 108%. 

But you’re right. People who cheat, lie, betray and deceive easily and happily are probably not the best spouses to begin with. Eventually the glitter shakes off the turd so to speak. And here we are.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

11 years post divorce here... My view is that it is unwise to share a living space with a romantic partner, unless you are just a natural people pleaser. I am not marriage material. LOL


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## So far so good (7 mo ago)

50/50 : to me it means that in a marriage, you have conflicts, you talk about it and both parties compromise.

Cheating is not a marriage problem, so 50/50 doesn’t apply. It’s like saying “in our marriage, we don’t have enough money, so I robbed a bank and killed two guards, it’s half your fault”. Errr, no.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Megaforce said:


> Anyone else take issue with this oft repeated concept? I know I am imperfect, but is there a chance that someone willing to lie so much, risk my health, fail to communicate and with so little integrity as well as a huge sense of entitlement may have, possibly, been a less than ideal partner who was responsible for the vast majority of issues in the marriage?
> This 50/50 allegation seems trite and lacking in analysis.


Almost any time people try to assert 50/50 about any aspect of a relationship is nonsense. There’s almost never an actual 50/50 dynamic in practice with anything.

That said, no matter who you are and what you did/didn’t do, you still need to take ownership of your shortcomings, failures and contributing behaviors. Because there are plenty, and that’s the only thing you can control anyway.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Once a spouse get's onto the adultery train, they re-write marital history. You as the betrayed spouse all of a sudden cannot sit right, breath right, walk right. With everything they throw your way which you supposedly did wrong, some of it is going to resonate and stick, true or not.

Looking trough the lens of being betrayed, you already feel "smaller than" and "less worthy", that lens magnifies any shortcomings you have, real or perceived.

Add to this that the adulterous spouse had already been looking, found someone else, romanced someone else, cultivated a relationship with someone else and then entered into a relationship with someone else, or at least made themselves open to all of these, even if done in the shadows, some of their secondary actions have actually manifested and pushed the betrayed away. Those same characteristics in the adulterous were, most likely, also present in the adulterous for years prior to the affair and have prompted a negative response from the betrayed sometimes from a subconscious or gut instinct level screaming for them to protect themselves without conscious explanation of why.

Thus NO, the problems in the marriage is rarely 50% on the betrayed spouse. It too decidedly and to a greater extent rests on the shoulders of a person who's inability to love and fully commit ultimately expresses itself in adultery.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Once a spouse get's onto the adultery train, they re-write marital history. You as the betrayed spouse all of a sudden cannot sit right, breath right, walk right. With everything they throw your way which you supposedly did wrong, some of it is going to resonate and stick, true or not.
> 
> Looking trough the lens of being betrayed, you already feel "smaller than" and "less worthy", that lens magnifies any shortcomings you have, real or perceived.
> 
> ...


The revision of history was so underhanded and surprising, and offensive. That part stings to this day… as many of the most cutting and hateful things were spoken from that mindset. The words of a mindf#cked cheater can cut to the bone.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Megaforce said:


> Anyone else take issue with this oft repeated concept? I know I am imperfect, but is there a chance that someone willing to lie so much, risk my health, fail to communicate and with so little integrity as well as a huge sense of entitlement may have, possibly, been a less than ideal partner who was responsible for the vast majority of issues in the marriage?
> This 50/50 allegation seems trite and lacking in analysis.


I understand the sentiment of regular marriage issues being both of the partner's responsibility but I would tend to agree that in many cases, one partner is often the primary detractor of a successful relationship.

Infidelity is still a somewhat separate issue that is 100% the choice of the straying spouse.

I've seen one person destroy their marriage and their partner then cheats (bad choice btw) but it wasn't the eventual cheater that initially destroyed the marriage.

That is probably more of the exception than the rule however.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

50/50 ?60/40 or even 70/30 it IS JUST a number and you can't be or take responsibility for how other people react ,

Some people are the type that can't see their own shortcomings or just don't want to ,
some people are just stupid and you can't help stupid , 

WORK ON YOURSELF 
Take responsibility for your own life fix what you can fix and it can be an up hill battle everyday 
Fixing little things one at a time and try to learn from mistakes but don't live in the mistakes and let them become your whole life ,


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

I look at it this way - it's the "blame pie" concept, and sometimes it's a matter of who gets the bigger piece.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Its kinda like the 'it takes two to tango' concept.

One person's 50% responsibility for the problem might be they stuck around long enough for it to get worse when they should have left long ago.

Maybe their 50% responsibility was allowing themselves to be lied to, or looking the other way when seriuos red flags were evident etc....

Things can only happen to you if you let them kind of thought process.... (doesn't always apply, but usually if you look deep, it does).


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

re16 said:


> Its kinda like the 'it takes two to tango' concept.
> 
> One person's 50% responsibility for the problem might be they stuck around long enough for it to get worse when they should have left long ago.
> 
> ...


This is true about letting things happen/ looking the other way etc. But, throw kids in the mix and one tends to hold out hope/ let things slide due to fear of wrecking the kids' lives. Plus, after years of emotional abuse, one is somewhat depleted.
I thank God for the cheating. A bright line crossed that got me out and folks were supportive. Try explaining that your wife is hell on wheels( long term silent treatments, withholding affection etc) and some folks are critical of the decision to get away from the abuse.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Full disclosure: I didn't fulfill my cheater ex's needs, but I'm not sure I could've, and regardless probably not would've been happy if I did manage to. I'm way better off solo. Happiness is the goal.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

50/50? Sometimes. But not always.

Some relationships are doomed due to the mental health issues of one spouse. So that's not 50/50.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

That's what my wife said... 50/50, although she hid her mental issues and she didn't communicate with me in the first place. Not knowing, I didn't behave as I should have. But who started the whole thing?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The 50/50 thing is part of some counselling ideas, but not every counsellor believes it in all cases.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Not knowing, I didn't behave as I should have.


Unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, mind reading isn't a real thing.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personal said:


> Unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, mind reading isn't a real thing.


A totally salvageable marriage gone down the drain... sigh.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

50/50? Rarely.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> A totally salvageable marriage gone down the drain... sigh.


If you’re both still living next to each other, and if your wife feels the same way. Maybe all is not lost?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> The 50/50 thing is part of some counselling ideas, but not every counsellor believes it in all cases.


Yeah. It's how we are trained. Not that it's understood as literally 50 and 50 exactly equal, but each party is responsible for their own actions. (Short of actual coercion, physical or financial coercion, etc.)

I know this can raise strong emotions. The first thing is that my task, as a counsellor, is not to decide who's good or bad, or impose a ruling, or hand down a punishment. Because I have no power to do so. My task is to help each person understand why their partner acts as they do, and whether there is anything they can decide to do different _in the future _that would help. 



re16 said:


> One person's responsibility for the problem might be they stuck around long enough for it to get worse when they should have left long ago. Maybe their responsibility was allowing themselves to be lied to, or looking the other way when serious red flags were evident etc....


That can be the case. Not in every case. Very often, conflict avoidance contributes to problems. So, for example, if someone has been cheated on, and decides to get out, I'm not going to say "_this was 50% your responsibility"_ but I might say how are you going to change so you don't make the same mistake again? 

So maybe what the betrayed partner did that contributed to the cheating, was to work 90 hour weeks and never be present in the marriage. I can't say that's reprehensible or morally wrong. The wayward party had much better options for handling it than cheating, and that's their responsibility. But I can say to the betrayed party, how come you didn't see this coming? Do you never look in your rear view mirror and check on your family?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personal said:


> If you’re both still living next to each other, and if your wife feels the same way. Maybe all is not lost?


I think she would have come around by now... it's been 3 years, 4 since we had sex last time... it's gone...


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