# Divorce papers and flower bouquets?



## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

My brother in law married to my sister-in-law for 7 years, no kids, both in thirties, they both wanted to move to a new dream city 2000 miles away. She moved first since she landed a well paying job. He could not find a job (his transfer within his company was denied), the distance did not help their relationship since they had been having issues before, he stayed behind for four months after she moved first, then he told her that he would like to wait a few more months to get a yearly bonus a his current position and then perhaps move unemployed. My SIL was in the new city alone. No EA or PA as far on either side as I know. They had been struggling even before the move so my SIL cut him off, filed for divorce, etc.

But... apparently they have feeling for each other (they were pretty good marriage) but there is no apparent solution since they live 2000 miles apart.

Now, 7 months into the actual separation/divorce (11 month after the move) my wife says that he should fight for the relationship... move for any kind of job, send a 100 flowers for their wedding anniversary, not just some "cheap" email.

I think it's a tad crazy. The woman left him, filed for divorce, signed the papers, and then he should be buying flowers, making sacrifices, etc.? Is my thinking out of line here? Or are these grand gestures and sacrifices exactly what women pine for?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

She left him? Seems to me that she made a move they agreed upon and then he backed out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Tell him to take a look at this:

Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe your wife knows something... her sister might have told here that she's wanting some grand gesture from her husband.

They both agreed to move. The wife went first. The husband has not moved. His wife might just think that this means that the husband is lukewarm about the marriage. So she filed.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

If I were in her shoes, this is how I'd feel:

1. We agreed to move.
2. I moved first, alone. What a big change. He isn't here to help me, it's hard...but it's okay, he'll be here soon.
3. What?! He doesn't want to move? Does he even care about me? I knew it...we've been having issues all along, this is his way of backing out.

...and there comes the separation/filing for divorce.
Yes, she has asked for a grand gesture/show of love from her husband, and your wife knows about it which is why she's encouraging it. Women need to feel loved and secure. The situation of moving on her own and her husband not following through with his promise, made her feel unloved and very insecure.

I left my husband because he did something to make me feel super unloved and super insecure. 11 months past and I filed for divorce and I was more than ready and willing to go through with it, with 1 exception: If he truly showed me that he loved and cared for me, I'd stop the legal process. He did, and I did. We are together now, working through things.

It's never too late, if both parties love each other and put in effort.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

First of all, his wife shouldn't have moved alone when they were already on shaky ground. It sounds like it's too late to save the marriage now.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Eh.....phbbbbbbbbbtfffffff......

Let the divorce go through. 


Maybe she should have waited to make sure he could get a transfer BEFORE she took off? Hmmm? 


The move and her job was more important than he was.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Eh.....phbbbbbbbbbtfffffff......
> 
> Let the divorce go through.
> 
> ...


She did not 'take off'.

They BOTH wanted to re-locate. She found a job first. They BOTH agreed to her moving. He told her that he was going to follow.

HE made the unilateral decision to not keep his promise and move to where he had agreed to move.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

The H should have moved even without employment.

The heart grows anything but fonder apart. 

Don't bother with the flowers and big doings for getting her back. She filed.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

Thanks for the replies and for the perspectives. Yes, the guy should have moved within a few months. Now the situation is FUBAR and there is no clear way out unless the guy sacrifices his job and his local support network / family in the region for a "possibility" of making the marriage work. 

I spoke with him today and it would seem that he is not planning on moving anytime soon.

Btw. my STBX says that filing and signing papers does not mean much... that two people can be together married or not married. I am not sure I completely agree with the statement.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

From your SIL's perspective, he "hung her out to dry", let her take the risk, move alone, etc but treated her secondary to his fear of no job, his bonus, etc . How is that for the man who is supposed to love her, support her and be there for her? She did is all alone, what would she need him for now anyhow?
I think she did the right thing in divorcing him, how can be make such an important life changing decision and then renege, he has only shown himself to be a coward, she has more balls than he has, maybe she will meet a real man in her new place, I hope so.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

scientist said:


> Thanks for the replies and for the perspectives. Yes, the guy should have moved within a few months. Now the situation is FUBAR and there is no clear way out unless the guy sacrifices his job and his local support network / family in the region for a "possibility" of making the marriage work.
> 
> I spoke with him today and it would seem that he is not planning on moving anytime soon.
> 
> Btw. my STBX says that filing and signing papers does not mean much... that two people can be together married or not married. I am not sure I completely agree with the statement.


Your STBX is right in some ways.. I've known people to get back together after a divorce and even remarry. But boy is it foolish to depend on that.

In some ways I see your situation and your SIL's as similar. You and your SIL both moved away for working thinking that you had some kind of agreement with your spouses. 

You finally quite your job and moved back to the wife who refused to move.

Your SIL has kept her job, her husband refused to move. 

But the results are the same, interesting. (and very sad)


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

Fair enough. That was a very bad miscommunication on their side. I had been asking whether they have a "deadline plan", which would put a stop to being separate after X weeks. Not much was planned. One month went by, second, third, fourth... and those folks got used to being alone.



aine said:


> From your SIL's perspective, he "hung her out to dry", let her take the risk, move alone, etc but treated her secondary to his fear of no job, his bonus, etc . How is that for the man who is supposed to love her, support her and be there for her? She did is all alone, what would she need him for now anyhow?
> I think she did the right thing in divorcing him, how can be make such an important life changing decision and then renege, he has only shown himself to be a coward, she has more balls than he has, maybe she will meet a real man in her new place, I hope so.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

Elegirl, this sad story goes on like a south-american telenovela. 

Now my wife (who is moving away) says that she wishes to stay friends... and that she will move in her sister, relax, take it as a long healing vacation, and then she'll see how she feels about us. 

SIL is alone, SBTX-W is feeling lonely, in-laws are not helping, two divorces have been completed and the final third one is in the making. This truly is like a poorly written TV series. But we are the real-life actors in it! 

Word to the wise- when planning on relocating four professionals to a different state, make sure everyone is absolutely fine with the move and a specific plan is put in place. 





EleGirl said:


> Your STBX is right in some ways.. I've known people to get back together after a divorce and even remarry. But boy is it foolish to depend on that.
> 
> In some ways I see your situation and your SIL's as similar. You and your SIL both moved away for working thinking that you had some kind of agreement with your spouses.
> 
> ...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

scientist said:


> Thanks for the replies and for the perspectives. Yes, the guy should have moved within a few months. Now the situation is FUBAR and there is no clear way out unless the guy sacrifices his job and his local support network / family in the region for a "possibility" of making the marriage work.
> 
> I spoke with him today and it would seem that he is not planning on moving anytime soon.
> 
> Btw. my STBX says that filing and signing papers does not mean much... that two people can be together married or not married. I am not sure I completely agree with the statement.


Are you sure she's not talking about you and her? Sounds like she is hinting for you to do something.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Are you sure she's not talking about you and her? Sounds like she is hinting for you to do something.


She might have been talking about SIL or her, it does not really make much difference. We had this discussion about her sister after my STBX-DW announced that she is moving away 2,000 miles to her sister. Not sure what else I can do besides pulling myself together. We have a wedding anniversary coming in a couple of weeks. Not sure what to do about it yet.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

scientist said:


> She might have been talking about SIL or her, it does not really make much difference. We had this discussion about her sister after my STBX-DW announced that she is moving away 2,000 miles to her sister. Not sure what else I can do besides pulling myself together. We have a wedding anniversary coming in a couple of weeks. * Not sure what to do about it yet.*


Not a damned thing. The marriage is over, that date is nothing to celebrate any more.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> Not a damned thing. The marriage is over, that date is nothing to celebrate any more.


I am away for a few weeks to satisfy a grad school residency requirement. My STBX-W has packed her stuff, shipped them over to her sister. So I will coming to an empty house. Yay! Yeah, Futs, this does not really call for flowers or anything but a short and cordial text message.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

So, my STBX-W sends me a text once in while. She uses the sweet nicknames we had given each other in the very beginning. But she took a new job and moved 2,000 miles away!

I just want to double check such that I don't read much into it. It's over and she wants to be friends, right? But why the heck would she want to be a friend? What is going on with these women? If they cut the guy loose, do they need to pour salt into the wound by checking in and pretending like they are friends?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

scientist said:


> So, my STBX-W sends me a text once in while. She uses the sweet nicknames we had given each other in the very beginning. But she took a new job and moved 2,000 miles away!
> 
> I just want to double check such that I don't read much into it. It's over and she wants to be friends, right? But why the heck would she want to be a friend? What is going on with these women? If they cut the guy loose, do they need to pour salt into the wound by checking in and pretending like they are friends?


If she is still using nicknames she is not completely done. Whether these are just weak moments or she is having second thoughts and testing waters only she knows.

What is she texting about? Just everyday small talk or any thing related to your situation?


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

honcho said:


> If she is still using nicknames she is not completely done. Whether these are just weak moments or she is having second thoughts and testing waters only she knows.
> 
> What is she texting about? Just everyday small talk or any thing related to your situation?


Mostly everyday stuff... 

The weather here is nice.
Are you alive?
I will see this and this girlfriend.
Good that it's Friday.
...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So how are you replying?

How are you feeling about her leaving you?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Nothing more that an attempt to alleviate her own feelings of guilt. Do you like being her emotional tampon?

Ignore.

When she decides that this isn't going to make her any happier and that she may have made a mistake, there won't be any question about what she is trying to tell you. 

Hang in there.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> So how are you replying?
> 
> How are you feeling about her leaving you?


I feel like crap. That's how I feel. I have been on a busy business trip so my replies are erratic. I reply the same stuff - "I am good". 

I have made a plan to move on in my life as well... but my determination seems to get a hit each time I get a message from her. Please read on. 



Tron said:


> Nothing more that an attempt to alleviate her own feelings of guilt. Do you like being her emotional tampon?
> 
> Ignore.
> 
> ...


Thanks, hanging in there. Right, I really do not want to prop her up emotionally. That's why she moved in with her (newly divorced) sister.

I would like to ignore those messages... and I will. But I will come back to our (her) house in a few days. Actually, the closing day on the house is in a month so I will need to get my belongings and move to an apartment. But I do not want to totally ignore her because the house is in her name... but half the house was paid off during the marriage so 25% belongs to me (she acknowledges it). I do not want to go to court to get the money= it's a cheap house and lawyers would cost more than my house share. This is why I do not want to cut off the communication just yet. 

Any advice on how to approach this situation would be greatly appreciated...


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Not much you can do ATM... Cry it out like we all do, there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing that.. 

But once the house is done, then cut her loose.. Just be honest it hurts you too much to continue with this friendship thing.. 

Look once she meet someone you won't exist anymore and you will figure it out fast.. That will hurt more.. Best just cut it out when you both are hurting. Just that she is using you to help herself out, but she is still hurting.. 

Don't drag this sh!t out..


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