# Am I wrong?



## KennedyAnne1622 (Nov 18, 2015)

This is a follow-up from my post http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/302546-no-energy-try.html.

My husband is now trying to change, has stopped drinking, and wants a chance to show me that I really am his #1 priority. The problem is that I feel like we've already gone too far and my feelings have changed. I'm frustrated that it had to get to this point for anything to change when he had a long time (over 10 years) to show me that I was a priority. I also think that we have different expectations for what we want out of our relationships and our lives. I am very driven and want to grow as a person (in my career, personal life, physical health) and my husband is more content in the status quo. I do not want to change him as a person and I do not want him to change just for me.

My fear is that this change won't last. I also don't know if I'll be able to release this baggage from everything that's happened along the way. I don't feel like it should be this hard at this stage; we are under 30, no kids, with 2 white collar jobs in a very nice suburb.

I spoke with a therapist about our history and she said it sounded like I ignored a lot of little red flags along the way. I do think this is right as I did make a commitment to be with him and wanted to stick with that (granted, I made that commitment at 22 years old). There have been times during our relationship where I found myself wondering "shouldn't this be different? shouldn't I feel something right now?".

I don't ever want to get to this point again (divorce is not an idle threat for me) and I'm worried that if I were to stay, I would spend my life wondering if there was something better out there for me. 

Am I wrong for thinking of divorce?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

KennedyAnne1622 said:


> Am I wrong for thinking of divorce?


Well, I guess it depends on how much you feel marriage vows should be honored.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why not try a trial separation and give him a chance to woo you back for a whole year? If he's still doing all the right things after a year, I thing you can probably fall in love again. If he gives up after a while, then you'll know it won't work.


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## KennedyAnne1622 (Nov 18, 2015)

I'm definitely looking at a separation but not sure if I have the energy to give for a year. I gave a lot to our relationship and now I'm kind of at point of exhaustion. Does that make sense?


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Wrong for considering divorce? Perhaps not.

I understand your concern, your feelings that he should have behaved and treated you better all along. I think it's worth considering how differently men and women communicate, and how we guys often respond to women. Men understand direct communication, women prefer indirect. You might be surprised how incredibly often we see here on TAM women sharing a similar situation to what you are describing, how they tried for years to get through to their husbands, how they tried everything they could think of to help, how clear it is to them that their husbands must not care at all because if they did, they would have responded by now. Then they reach a point where they cross over from "I've gotta keep fighting for my marriage, I won't give up" to suddenly changing course to "Screw this, I'm done! I quit!" and nothing he says or does will change her mind at that point because she's suddenly put her blinders on and feels a need to plow ahead no matter what.

On the other hand, we seen countless men here whose first post is, "OMG, I've just been blindsided, my wife just left/demanded a divorce!" We men just don't understand all the various ways that women try to communicate information, rather than just going the direct route. I'm not blaming women, I'm just saying it's an unfortunate reality.

Bad habits develop over time when we feel that there is no harm in them. My wife never liked doing dishes growing up, so when we got married I just started doing them because she never would. In time that became frustrating and eventually I sat down and complained to her about it. Interestingly, I was very calm and polite about it, but purely because I said it so directly like that, she interpreted my directness as meaning that I was incredibly angry and serious about the issue. In her view, she expected me to communicate my concerns the same way she would, the way a woman would, and she wouldn't resort to being so direct about it unless it was a massive, potentially marriage breaking issue. I found out I had a few bad habits too, but I never understood them to be a problem because it was never clear to me that my wife had a problem with them. Then she'd blow up some day about it and I'd think, "Holy cow! Where in the world did this anger come from??" Once I figured it out, changing those bad habits wasn't a big deal, I just needed to be made aware of them and how important they were to her. Like the dish washing issue, my wife didn't think her leaving me to do all the dishes was a big deal until I made it clear to her that it was. She just struggles more than I do to communicate such concerns.

So anyways, my long drawn out point here is that I think it's entirely possible that your husband really had no idea that the marriage had gotten so bad in your view, to a point where you were considering divorce, until you did something (I haven't read your prior post, so I don't know what) that abruptly "woke him up" to how you are feeling and exactly how real the problem is. I think it's very possible that a lot of the changes you know you'd need to see in him aren't actually a big deal for him, but he didn't take the need to change very seriously in the past because he didn't realize how serious of a problem they had become. In other words, as long as the major "SEPARATE NOW" red flags aren't present (physical abuse, drug/alcohol addiction, gambling problem, mental/emotional abuse, etc.), then I don't think it should be too much to ask for him to have a little time to show you that he can and is willing to commit to building a new healthy marriage. I'm not saying you should trust him 100% yet, or stop counseling or buy a new house or have more children with him or anything serious like that, I'm just saying that if there isn't a lot at risk in giving him this opportunity, then perhaps you should give him that?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

KennedyAnne1622 said:


> I'm definitely looking at a separation but not sure if I have the energy to give for a year. I gave a lot to our relationship and now I'm kind of at point of exhaustion. Does that make sense?


What else are you going to do with your next year?


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## KennedyAnne1622 (Nov 18, 2015)

I'm not sure exactly. Do whatever I want suppose, in regards to taking care of my health, my friendships, my career etc. I guess part of me feels like I'm ready to move on with my life since I tried to fix things for so long. Like I already put in all the effort, I'm not sure I have anything else to give and I don't want to feel like I'm "faking it."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As long as you're not doing this go hook up with other men, what's the difference? Tell him he has a year to show you he has real changes in him and if nothing's happened in a year, you'll be filing for divorce.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

turnera said:


> As long as you're not doing this go hook up with other men, what's the difference? Tell him he has a year to show you he has real changes in him and if nothing's happened in a year, you'll be filing for divorce.


:iagree:

In your other thread you described him as being very critical, to the point where you are maybe starting to doubt your own abilities.
I think some time away/alone will give you some perspective. Make it a nice chunk of time, like 6 months, or 3 months if you feel like a year is too much.

This is not to give you time to do anything. This is to give you some time to decompress and evaluate. This is an ideal time in your life to consider your options. You don't have to make any final decisions yet.


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