# Divorce after 90 days of marriage



## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

A friend of mine found this site for me so I'm trying it because I need some support. I have no family in the town where I live since I only moved here recently. My family is abroad and does not care anyway. 

My husband and I met last July and got married last November. He was 53 and I am 41. He told me that I was the "love of his life" and that he had never been as happy as he had been with me. He used to take antidepressants when I met him but shortly before our wedding day he decided to stop taking them against my advice.

Shortly after the wedding he started into a deep depression. It was hard on him, and hard on me, but I was very supportive to him, which he will attest to. We had also started to argue about little things. I finally insisted that he see someone about his depression and that we see a marriage counselor.

He went to see a psychiatrist who immediately put him on a mood stabilizing med and an anti anxiety med. The psychiatrist also diagnosed him with bipolar disorder. It turned out that he has been bipolar for years but failed to disclose that to me. I was supportive and felt that we could deal with it, especially now that he was under the care of a doctor.

Four weeks into the marriage counseling he said that he was not committed to the counseling. I then said that perhaps he should continue to see the psychiatrist and for us to hold off on the marriage counseling for a while. He agreed. At our last counseling session he told the counselor that he was not committed to the marriage. That weekend he asked for a divorce. He has not told his family outright (I did), nor any of his friends that he is filing for divorce. 

He has now filed the papers. He refuses to consider any counseling, advice, or anything that would repair the marriage. He has been cruel to me, has cut me off from some of our joint money, berates me about my past (my past has quite a bit of tragedy) and has called me controlling, (even though I'm going to therapy to learn how to set boundaries with people. 

The pain of this is intense. I do not want the divorce. I am trying to accept it, but its hard. Does anyone have any advice?


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

I joined this forum because I needed support. I call the crisis line every day. I'm hoping that someone can at least offer some support or even a word of advice. :/


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm very sorry to hear of your situation. Unfortunately it takes two to make a marriage. He has not been honest and open with you about a significant mental health history and most importantly he is resisting treatment. As painful as it may seem now, in the long run I don't see your marriage being anything but a source of pain in your life unless he was fully committed and actively involved in his own treatment. Do not allow yourself to become co-dependant on his disorder. Accordingly, even if he was to call you right now and ask you back, I would tell you to take it very slow and cautiously. I would want to see a good track record from him for a few months.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

It's a holiday weekend so responses will probably sparse right now

There's only so much you can do isn't there? He has to take it upon himself to get help and stick to treatment. I know it isn't fair to you at all and I truly feel for you. 

Do consider that the whirlwind of romancing prior to the martiage could have been during the manic phase. Heightened sexuality, spirituality and feelings of love are all part of a manic cycle. Thus it is very possible that those feelings have turned upside down on him quickly during his depression cycle as depression puts you into a cloud of despair and no room for those feelings of love for you. In essence, his true feelings lie somewhere in the middle.

But alas all of that is moot if he won't do what is necessary to bring himself into reality


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

We live in the same house still. And strangely enough, even though he has told me that he does not want to be married, and he doesn't love me, he wants to do things with me like go hiking, or for walks etc. How do I respond to that? Do I turn him down or do I go anyway? I don't expect these things to better our marriage but I'm a bit torn about it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Going halfway on a marriage is only going to leave you in limbo. It's best to detach at this point and have him come to you if he wants to save it. I'm on
My phone right now so hopefully someone else can post a link to the 180 as I think it can help you


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

At this point, I think your best use of your time and effort is to make sure you don't get into the same situation again. Why did you marry so quickly? What warning signs did you miss? Have you dealt with your past properly?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

He seemed very sincere. Not only to me but to my friends as well. They thought that he genuinely cared for me. He seemed to. He proposed to me. At his age, I seriously thought that he did know his own mind and was comfortable with himself. He was very open and honest about certain things. I say certain things because its obvious that he didn't tell me about other things, specifically about being bipolar. I have dealt with my past. My past that he is talking about is because like I said, a lot of tragedy, which includes two of my children passing away. He thinks that it's too much for him to deal with. Truth is, I'm the one who lived it, not him so I see this as a poor excuse and he knows it is too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

His asking for a divorce could be coming from his depression. After a few weeks/months back on medication he might be stable again and feel better about things.

BUT... do you want to live like this... wiht his ups and downs? BP people are very hard to live with. They will make a person with so mental issues depressed and feel insane.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Reality is skewed for this man right now, both before the marriage and after

Until he gets the correct combo of mood stabilizing drugs and goes thru therapy to learn tools to handle his disorder he will not see things for how they really are


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

He is currently on medication right now and is not quite as depressed as he has been. That being said, I cannot vouch for how he is taking it or if he is actually taking it. He sees his psychiatrist twice a month, but I can hardly see any benefit from my point of view as he is still mean and cruel to me


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is very hard. I've seen people stop their meds and be completely different when they start up again.. never going back to the way they were before. it's like their body's reation to the meds change.

You are in a terribel position with this. You might want to seriously think about accepting his desire for a divorce. If you move, don't live with him it would be a lot easier on you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Again you need to realize that the whirlwind romance was likely during a manic phase and therefore not "real" for him


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

I'm realizing that now about it not being "real" for him. Thank you EleGirl for posting the links. Starting them today!


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

I had not heard about the 180 before today, but now that I have, I have started to implement it. Not the easiest thing to do but I'm standing my ground. I'm going about my life starting from today.


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

The most difficult part of this so far is keeping my distance. How do I do that when we live in the same house? He keeps asking me to spend time with him, such as playing a game, watching a movie, having a meal together etc. Should I or more to the point, how do I politely refuse?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

QualJin, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm so sorry to hear that you and your H are going through so much pain and suffering.


QualJin said:


> The psychiatrist also diagnosed him with bipolar disorder.... Does anyone have any advice?


My advice is to immediately find out if your H suffers from BOTH bipolar and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I mention this because a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 54% of the males having bipolar I also suffer from full-blown BPD. See the full report at Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Borderline Personality Disorder: Results from the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions.

This distinction would have little impact on your future welfare if you were determined to divorce him. Yet, because you _"don't want the divorce," _this distinction is very, VERY important. The reason is that, whereas bipolar is successfully treated in over 80% of the cases by simply swallowing a pill, BPD is a thought distortion that cannot be touched by medication and is highly resistant to treatment (because BPDers typically refuse to stay in therapy).

I therefore strongly suggest that you see YOUR OWN clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion (not a formal diagnosis) of what it is you are dealing with. For anyone married to an abusive angry husband -- as you now are -- relying on HIS psychiatrist to give you a diagnosis likely will be a disastrous course of action. I say this for three reasons.

*First, his psychiatrist may tell you absolutely nothing.* Because BPDers generally are excellent actors, it is a cakewalk for them to hide their BPD traits during a 50-minute session held only once a week. It therefore can take a psychiatrist years to see the dysfunctional behavior you see all week long -- and it is highly unlikely a BPDer will remain in therapy that long (in the unlikely event you persuade him to continue).

Yet, even assuming that the psych has sufficient time to identify a BPDer's disorder, it is unlikely the psych will ever tell you. Therapists are loath to tell a BPDer -- much less tell his wife -- the true diagnosis. Giving him the name of his disorder almost certainly will result in his immediately quitting therapy. And, in the unlikely event he stays in therapy, telling him may cause his behavior to become WORSE, not better (by giving him a new identity as "the BPDer"). 

Moreover, therapists know that listing the diagnosis as "BPD" likely means insurance companies will refuse to cover it. It therefore is common for the "diagnosis" to be listed, instead, as one of the side effects or comorbid disorders, such as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or adult ADHD -- all of which are covered by insurance because they are Axis I disorders.

Remember, your H's therapist is _NOT YOUR FRIEND._ Like an attorney, he is ethically bound to protect his sick client -- even if you occasionally attend the sessions together with your H. Hence, relying on his _therapist's_ advice during the marriage is as foolish as relying on his _attorney's_ advice during a divorce.

I am sensitive to this withholding of BPD information because, for 15 years, I took my unstable, abusive exW to weekly sessions with six different psychologists (and two MCs) -- at a cost of over $200,000. Significantly, NOT ONE of them ever told me the name of her disorder even though I sometimes attended the sessions with her. Instead, they followed the usual practice of using code words and talking about the Axis I disorders that are covered by insurance.

For example, the last psychologist -- whom my exW saw weekly for five years -- always said "I don't believe labels are useful" whenever I would ask for a diagnosis. At the end of that five years, when I was angry and thus very insistent on being told exactly what was wrong with my exW, this "no labels" psych reluctantly conceded that she has a "thought disorder." Duhh. Well, of course, that is exactly what BPD is!

*Second, being able to spot BPD red flags is an important skill.* Even if psychiatrists could be relied upon to be candid with you, they are never around when you need them the most -- when looking for a suitable mate. Significantly, anyone on this forum who has tolerated an abusive spouse for more than a year is at GREAT RISK of leaving that abuser only to run into the arms of another one just like him. This is why so many of the folks complaining about abusive partners on this forum also complain that their ex-partners had been abusive too.

It therefore is important that abused partners learn how to spot all nine BPD traits so that, when they escape the toxic relationship, they won't keep repeating the same mistake over and over. Because we all occasionally exhibit all nine of the BPD traits, it is easy for us to spot strong occurrences of them in other people. There is nothing subtle about traits such as frequent verbal abuse, nasty vindictiveness, and temper tantrums.

*Third, a diagnosis is intended to appease insurance companies, not to help you.* Even when your spouse's BPD traits fall well below the diagnostic threshold, they can be strong enough to make you miserable and completely undermine your marriage. Hence, being told by a psychiatrist that your spouse _"does not have BPD"_ does NOT mean you are safe. It does NOT mean he doesn't have strong BPD traits.


> He has been bipolar for years.


Perhaps so, QualJin. But some of the behaviors you describe are closer to BPD traits than bipolar traits. I am not a psychologist but I did live with a BPDer exW for 15 years and I've taken care of a bipolar foster son for longer than that. Moreover, I took both of them to a long series of psychologists for 15 years. Based on those experiences, I have found eight clear differences between the two disorders.

*One difference* is that the mood swings are on two different spectra having very different polar extremes. Whereas a bipolar sufferer swings between _mania_ and _depression_, a BPDer flips back and forth between _loving you_ and _hating you_. Significantly, you have not yet said anything about witnessing manic behavior in your H. 

You do say, however, that he flips back and forth between *loving you* -- e.g., _"asking me to spend time with him, such as playing a game, watching a movie, having a meal together etc."_ -- and *hating you *-- e.g., _"My husband was talking to an ex and trashing me and our marriage to her. She even told him to abandon me when I went to the hospital one night and he actually considered it!"_

*A second difference* is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days. The latter therefore seems consistent with your description of numerous temper tantrums. (Although hyper-rapid cycling is possible with bipolar, it is rare and -- even then -- usually occurs during a quick transition to psychosis.)
*
A third difference* is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD rages typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours). Again, these short-duration rages seem consistent with with the angry periods you describe (which are quickly replaced by periods in which he wants to watch TV with you).

*A fourth difference* is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action. Significantly, the hateful behavior you describe is consistent with these event-triggered outbursts. The depression you describe, however, is consistent with bipolar -- suggesting he has both disorders if there is a manic phase.

*A fifth difference* is that, whereas bipolar can be treated very successfully in at least 80% of victims by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be managed by medication because it arises from childhood damage to the emotional core -- not from a change in body chemistry.

*A sixth difference* is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly. This seems consistent with your description of very hateful, spiteful behavior -- e.g., _"He has been cruel to me, has cut me off from some of our joint money, berates me about my past (my past has quite a bit of tragedy) and has called me controlling...."_

*A seventh difference *is that, whereas a bipolar sufferer is not usually angry, a BPDer is filled with anger that has been carried inside since early childhood. You only have to say or do some minor thing to trigger a sudden release of that anger -- which seems consistent with your description. Generally, the only time the anger cannot be easily triggered is during the courtship period because the BPDer's infatuation holds his two great fears (engulfment and abandonment) at bay. That infatuation typically lasts 3 to 6 months -- a period that fully encompasses your 5-month courtship.

*Finally, an eighth difference* is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he or she knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period. Before they can trust others, they must first learn how to trust and love themselves. 

Sadly, this lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when people cannot trust you, you can never trust them because they can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will. Yet, despite these eight clear differences between the two disorders, many people confuse the two. One source of this confusion seems to be the fact that many bipolar sufferers also have full-blown BPD.

If you would like to read more about typical BPD behavior, an easy place to start is my brief description of it in Optimist's thread about her abusive H. My posts there start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...r-husband-wont-take-no-answer.html#post743329. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, QualJin.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Protect yourself (body and finances and spirit) And be very careful with going out with him in his current state, no Hicking would be good for me, not that he is dangerous, but you never know. If he is holding all of the resources he will hold all of the power. Get involved with others (this group does wonders for the spirit) and don't be available to him to inflict his emotional pains on you. Praying for the best for you in this situation.


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## numb2012 (May 27, 2012)

EleGirl I was reading your Plan A and Plan B link and I found it very interesting, I have past plan A but still hoping that plan B could work, what too late to try?


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

Uptown, thank you for your post. I have read it more than once and have taken some time to actually research what you have said here. This is an eye opener for me. I cannot thank you enough for what you have shared with me and how this has opened up a whole new avenue of understanding for me. My H has engaged in the following:

*Impulsive and risky behavior, such as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use*
He has done some very impulsive things in the period of time that I've known him. He purchased a tractor and a 1917 pickup truck saying that he would use it to develop some property he owns, he took all his money out of his bank account to do it and took out a loan to finance the rest. (this is before we were married). Drove recklessly, which scared me, spent about $20,000 on his credit cards and I could go on.


*Strong emotions that wax and wane frequently*
He is frequently up one minute and down the next. It feels like a roller coaster. He's angry with me, then shortly after, he's fine and wants to have dinner together or watch tv or play a game like I said before.

*Intense but short episodes of anxiety or depression*
Shortly after we were married, he fell into a deep depression, which improved with meds. After he started taking meds, they would fluctuate from one to the other very rapidly. Either he was depressed or anxious (his words).

*Inappropriate anger, sometimes escalating into physical confrontations*
He has gotten angry at me for the simplest things and would be impatient with me, this started early on in the marriage.

*Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses*
He admits that he has difficulty with controlling his emotions and sometimes does things impulsively. 

*Fear of being alone*
He has told me that he has a mortal fear of being alone, this is something that he has repeated to me over and over.

He admits to having a sexual addiction and has spent thousands of dollars (according to him) on 900 numbers. I found out that he also did it four days before we were married (he told me two months after the wedding).

He dislikes anything he sees as criticism and yet criticizes himself at times very much. He describes himself as a "cold hearted bastard".

He frequently does and says things without considering the consequences at all and seems to feel very little remorse. 

*These are some assumptions I've heard him say at one time or another:*



I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or else I am worthless. 


My feelings are always caused by external events. I have no control over my emotions or the things I do in reaction to them.


When I am alone, I become nobody and nothing.

I will be happy only when I can find an all-giving, perfect person to love me and take care of me no matter what.

But if someone close to this loves me, then something must be wrong with them.

I can't stand the frustration that I feel when I need something from someone and I can't get it. I've got to do something to make it go away.

Believe me when I say that I am not exaggerating when I say these things. 
His family has a history of mental illness I'm told and he has a sister who exhibits these same attitudes. Until I read your post, I don't believe I truly understood what I was dealing with. I do know that I'm not equipped to deal with this at all. It's not that I want to run out on him, but I just don't know how to deal with something like this. Realizing that he will not accept this even if I told him, and yes, you're right his psychiatrist is THE ENEMY. This psychiatrist put him on antidepressants last summer, which totally threw him into mania (making poor decisions, risky behavior, sexual promiscuity, et al). The man never took the time to listen to him and diagnose him properly. Now he says that he should have spotted that my H did have bipolar disorder last summer. 

As much as I know that I need to detach from him, I feel sad for him and there is a part of me that does want to do all I can to help but I don't know what that would or could be...


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

QualJin, I am glad to hear you found the BPD information helpful. Because you now suspect that your H has strong BPD traits, I have several suggestions. As an initial matter, I recommend that you NOT tell him. If he is a BPDer, he almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage him to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell him.

Second, if you think you may stay with him a while, I suggest you get _Stop Walking on Eggshells,_ the best-selling BPD book targeted to abused spouses like you. Or, if you are decided to get a divorce instead, get _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist._ Both books are written by the same author.

Third, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful to you are the "Staying" and "Leaving" boards, depending on which action you intend to take.

Fourth, while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is http://www.bpdfamily.com/tools/articles9.htm.

Fifth, I again suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. As I explained earlier, your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding a possible BPD diagnosis is to NOT have the BPDer along. Therapists are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the name of their disorder.

Finally, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum, QualJin. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful.


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

I do not plan to tell him. Like you say, even if I did, he would not believe me and would only project it back to me. I am purchasing both books since even though we are divorcing, I do want to read both books. Have started participating at BPDFamily.com. Thank you so much for directing me there. I have read the articles, posted there, and have been combing through the site. I am seeing a clinical psychologist on Tuesday (tomorrow).

I will definitely be on this forum a lot, it helps me greatly to have people to talk to and to share my thoughts with, which I need so very much right now.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

QualJin said:


> I will definitely be on this forum a lot, it helps me greatly to have people to talk to and to share my thoughts with, which I need so very much right now.


QualJin, by sharing your experiences, you also likely are helping numerous other members and lurkers here on this forum. The view-count for this thread is already at 360.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds like he tried to use you to avoid his issues. I've been through that recently. Even the sweetest people do this. It's because they're scared to face their truths on their own. Unfortunately, people do need to own their own issues and try to control them on their own before bringing another person into their life. And the participation of the other person should be a choice, they should know about the issue before becoming involved, like on the first date if it's a serious issue. Probably he did not realize he was using you to this extent, but even if he didn't mean it to be harmful to you it still is. So do whatever you have to do and don't feel guilty about it. What he did was wrong, he got you involved without telling you the truth, so that he could avoid dealing with his own life on his own. That's so not what a marriage should be. It's sad, but that's the way it is. At least your heart was in the right place and you know how capable you are of loving someone and committing. Just be more careful next time, and try not to waste any anger on someone who already has so many issues. If you express anger to him he will use you as an excuse for how messed up his life is anyway. I hope the divorce goes well.


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

Yesterday I went to see a clinical psychologist. He has diagnosed me with PTSD. I am not surprised by this because I have had a lot of past trauma. I will be working with him to help resolve my PTSD. I also spoke to him about my H and my suspicions of his having BPD. He thinks that, based on what I've told him that my H does show strong BPD traits and agrees that I cannot and should not tell him. I have been trying my best to keep my distance from my H and it does help and has helped me be more detached. I actually realize that it doesn't matter the reasons that he is giving me for the divorce. That he is going through this cycle, which he has before and that I cannot be supportive of him at all since he does not want to seek qualified treatment.

This morning my H sat on the couch and cried saying that he was so tired of his life being the way it is, meaning that he has huge debt, and has no savings. Twenty minutes later, he was back to being his same cold self. I feel like I want to support him, but only if he is willing to realize that there is more at work here than the bipolar dosorder and seeks proper treatment for himself. He says that he will talk to his psychiatrist about me coming to a session of his sometime. I'm not sure how that will work out. He says that if it will help us to get along in the next few months as the divorce becomes final than he would have me go to a session. I'm not sure what to do except keep my distance from him and try to move on with my life. Any suggestions or thoughts are quite welcome.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

QualJin said:


> Yesterday I went to see a clinical psychologist. He has diagnosed me with PTSD.


QualJin, PTSD is far, far easier to treat than BPD. The reason that BPD is so pernicious and hard to treat is that the damage occurs in early childhood, typically by age 3 or 4. It therefore brings the child's emotional development to a screeching halt, leaving him stuck with only the primitive ego defenses of a young child. Absent years of therapy, he is also stuck with an inability to trust and a fragile, unstable sense of who he is. In contrast, PTSD results when the trauma occurs later in life, after the self concept and ego defenses are already well developed.


> [My psychologist] thinks that, based on what I've told him that my H does show strong BPD traits and agrees that I cannot and should not tell him.


Smart lady! By seeking advice from YOUR OWN psychologist, you were able to obtain a professional opinion that likely never would have been forthcoming from your H or his therapist.


> I'm not sure what to do except keep my distance from him and try to move on with my life. Any suggestions or thoughts are quite welcome.


I agree. Keeping your distance and moving on are your only prudent options. As to meeting with his psychiatrist, there is a remote chance that -- if the psych gets a clearer picture of your H's behavior from you -- the psych will do a better job in treating him. Yet, because that outcome is fully dependent on your H's willingness to actually improve himself -- a very unlikely event -- I suggest you not make any heroic efforts to attend a therapy session with him. It likely will not help.


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

Uptown,
You are correct. I don't think meeting with his psychiatrist will help. He saw his psychiatrist today and was told to think about whether or not he would like to have me at a session. At this point, I don't really care if he asks me to go or not and most likely I will not go. I am trying to keep my distance but part of me feels that he does not know exactly what is going on with him. The other part of me feels, based on his actions, that he knows something is wrong but refuses to admit it and seek treatment for it. It still does hurt that he ignores me one minute and then seeks my attention the next. I'm trying to do the best thing for me but I'm so confused by it all.


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

This morning he got into an argument with me over the budget. I had created a household budget which was working but in the last two months he has decided to control the finances, so the budget has been wrecked. He knows that I have a little money put away and is pressuring me to turn it over to him. I finally said that I would give him some of the money and leave it at that. I left to go for a drive to get away from the argument. He was yelling at me saying that he didn't want to hear about the effing budget and that the credit card bills were my fault. He continued to yell at me saying that he would show me a list of things that I'm accountable for on his credit card. I asked him to show me the list, but he couldn't. I finally just said that I will give you the money, is there anything else you need? When he finally said no, I left. I did not come home for three hours. He called me several times, leaving messages that he was sorry, and that he knows that he was mean to me, texting me that he was sorry for being upset with me. I did not respond till I came home and when he did say he was sorry I did not react. Trying to keep a distance and do some things for me, but not easy to do. :/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you have a bit of money saved, could you just go get your own place. Even a small place would give you some peace.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

QualJin said:


> He ignores me one minute and then seeks my attention the next. I'm so confused by it all.


It will be less confusing if you start visualizing him as a 3 or 4 year old who has the cunning, intelligence, experience, and body strength of a full grown man. The impulsive, self-centered behavior you're seeing is normal for a very young child -- and that is where your H's emotional development is stuck if he is a BPDer.


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If you have a bit of money saved, could you just go get your own place. Even a small place would give you some peace.


I have a little, but not enough to get a place on my own...and he knows it.


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## QualJin (May 26, 2012)

Two years ago I joined this site on the recommendation of a friend, while going through serious issues in my short marriage. Since the separation, my ex and I have had NO contact. The marriage is now legally over and has been for almost two years. 

That being said, I feel I should post an additional update. Three months ago, I received a message via a social network from my ex who wanted to talk. He asked to speak to me "face to face" and the only medium that could support that was video chat. I agreed. In his video chat, he said that he was calling to apologize to me for the shabby way he treated me. He told me that he was in a 12 step program for co-dependents and part of the treatment was that he had to apologize to everyone that he felt he had wronged in the past. He apologized for not only his treatment of me, but for involving me in his life when he knew that it was wrong. He also apologized for lying about me to friends and family and thanked me for helping him through his depression. He had written a long letter to me and to others he felt he had wronged.

Now, I don't know how much of this was heartfelt, or whether he was doing this only because it part of his program requirement. What made me happy was not so much that he apologized, but I realized that I had moved on with my life and really did not need his apology to "bring closure" to the chapter. I had closed it already.  

We spoke (mostly him) for about an hour and then went our separate ways. I do not expect to hear from him again. I wished him well and still do. 

This forum greatly helped me to understand that blaming myself entirely for the failure of the marriage was not hurting him, it was hurting me.

I am glad to say that for me, the best satisfaction was that I was able to move past it.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

QualJin, thanks so much for returning to TAM to give us an update on your progress. I was wondering how you are doing. So I'm very glad to read that you decided to build strong personal boundaries and remove yourself from that marriage. The toxicity of the relationship was harming both of you. 

I'm also glad you were able to see that, if he has strong BPD traits as you suspect, you both were in a lose-lose situation until he has had years of training to learn how to manage his emotions. And your effort to help him was -- despite all your good intentions -- an enabling behavior that harmed him by preventing him from suffering the logical consequences of his own bad choices. It therefore kept him from having to confront his own issues and learning how to manage them. Take care, QualJin, and best wishes for the new year!


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