# Is he borderline abusive or am I just too sensitive?



## stayorgo (Dec 30, 2010)

Before I get started let me preface this with I am well aware that we broke every carnal rule about how to NOT start a relationship.

We got together while I was married, he was separated and he was my boss (10 years older). We have now been together for 5 years and are married with 3 children. We live in a different city now where we have minimal social interactions and both work full-time professional jobs. I just re-entered the workforce after a few months of maternity leave to allow him to spend the better part of a year with our children.

Now for the issues. I work full time and essentially take care of the majority of family logistics all while exclusively nursing (and pumping) for a newborn who wakes 2+ times a night. I make double what he makes and so have taken less leave from work than he has with all of our children, though I have had very difficult pregnancies and recoveries. I take care of ALL of our finances, insurance, doctors, food, health issues etc. He has a few major medical issues that require major food restrictions and constant monitoring so I make everything from scratch and have to carefully measure, weigh and reference everything. I've tried to leave it to him (in exhaustion), but he doesn't do it and ends up sick which leaves me with even more work as he is no help with the kids. He is willing to help out around the house, but it must be completely on his terms (when and how to do it). He loves to play with our children, but is unsafe and I fear leaving them alone with him. Just today these 3 events occurred while he was watching them: the 3 year old was playing with a stapler, the 2 year old was sitting on the counter with a butter knife while his back was turned to the stove, and the 5 month old was rolling around on the floor with the older kids small toys.

Now, I have tried to discuss these issues with him to no end and he gets very upset with me and tells me he doesn't care if I cry because it means nothing to him, he's sick of me whining and complaining about not having sex (he also comments on my weight, though I am almost back down to my pre-baby weight - thin size 4). He's told me to shut the F*** up on numerous occasions and will say horrible, hateful things to me in front of our children. If I am in a bad mood, he lashes out at me for not bottling it up inside and says that by talking or not talking to him that I am taking it out on him (when I am in a bad mood I usually don't talk to him). I've tried to explain to him that my body is still undergoing tremendous changes from childbirth and to just let me have my bad days, but that is usually followed by him berating me and not speaking to me for a few days. He constantly gives me the silent treatment (for days on end) for the simplest things until I cave and talk to him; this happens at least a few times a month. I carry all of the burdens of this family and he seems to not care at all. He is completely indifferent when I show emotion. When things are good, they seem to be great, but I still don't welcome physical contact from him since I have serious reservations about our future. 

I don't know what to do. I know I can be a nag, but he just drags me down. He makes me miserable. I have withdrawn from my family, work and friends, but we have 3 young children together and I cannot imagine them not waking up in the mornings to both parents. My family dislikes him and everyone around me says that I've changed. I don't like who I am with him, but the damage has been done. Do I just suck it up and bear it?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hi--
i think i can offer some insite...

he said he will do household chores at his own pace..done that battle is over.
men have different views on child raising, and it wass a little bit like uhh..but he was in the room with them, and he loves them. i couod see if he was on the computer in the back of the house of on the phone outside.

he dose feel hen-pecked and he will turn mean and agressive to you.
tell him you need to talk about your day and your feelings, everyday. tell him there will be time set aside for this.

i know all about childbirth, he want sex but he knows its to soon. try other things so he can feel close to you. ask him what he would like.

the food thing...try setting up meals or letting him be sick, he will figure it out.
to me hes old skool, men do this women do that. the two of you should be sitting down and having a discussuion about everything.

he will feel nagging and will withdraw from you because he feels like you are trying to control the home from work.
if he dosent feel intimacy from you he will feel less than, just like we do if we cant connect with your mates.

yall can through too much to shrug off now. try a date nite, that movie he likes, a treat[food] that he can have once in a while. he will feel appreacited. the same rules need to apply to you that he followed when he worked, come in take 15/20 minutes to change from work mode, and jump in with the kids.

talk during the movie [dont pick the latest blockbuster] tell him you love him,and you are very glad he is the one you choose to be with. maybe a little naughty time while the movie is on??

its hard with role reversal, we want it all to work out, but sometimes its ok to step back and watch hubby in aciton, and ask if he needs help, rather then, you know it all board room and home.

if you take a calmer approach to his home style, and bump up the bed room just a touch until you are completely healed he will chill.

just remember whats its like when you were stay at home and all the things you wanted, he might feel the same way.

i hope i didnt go on to long...


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