# Living a lie.. Can't be with him anymore!!! Help!



## Brianna1 (Dec 27, 2017)

I'm living a lie. It looks like I'm living an amazing life. But behind closed doors things are much different. I cannot tolerate my husband.

I feel like I'm struggling every day. Being a mom is hard work. But I feel like it's even harder when you have a husband like mine. A husband that has expectations. A husband that calls you out on every mistake you make. A husband that feels like he is truly the best. A husband that controls your emotions and makes you bottle them up. A husband that manipulates you and makes you feel like you are never good enough and has no appreciation for what you do.

Yes, he works hard. I've supported him every step of the way which meant sacrificing my career so he could have his. When we had kids, I was overwhelmed because I was expected to do everything. I felt helpless. My daughter was colicky. My husband told me I should just know what to do and implied that there was something wrong with me. That he shouldn't have to calm her. I should just know. Well I didn't and it made me feel awful. When I struggled he told me I couldn't handle being a mother. I will never forget that.

I have definitely taken the reigns on this mothering thing since those early days. I wake up and don't sit down all day unless it's to breastfeed. I clean. Cook. Feed. Do laundry. Kiss booboos. Play with my children. Read to them. I do nothing for me, except maybe cover my dark under eyes with makeup before leaving the house. I get the groceries.. plan our meals. Buy the clothes and diapers. Plus I work. I try to do the books for my husband's company and do graphic design. It's tough with a baby so I usually do this after he sleeps. So I go to sleep around 2 am and feed him throughout the night. Then I wake my daughter in the morning for school. My husband is usually gone by then.

My husband has the nerve to actually point out to me and 2 pieces of garbage didn't make it to the bin. He tells me when I should have changed the garbage and asks me why it wasn't done. When I missed cleaning properly under the high chair, hell physically get me to lean down and look. He'll ask me why there are dishes in the sink. Or why the entry is messy. He's googled "How to get your wife to clean up after herself." He has never been alone with our kids (13 month old and 4 year old) for more than 4 hours at a time and that's only happened about 3 times total. When it's going well I get told "I don't know why you struggle so much with them. It's easy." When it goes bad I get "Get your priorities straight and be a mom." And he considers parenting plunking them in front of the TV or letting them sit on him while he watches his show. He has no ****ing idea. And even I've tried to explain to him why the 2 pieces of garbage weren't in the bin, he says "What do you want! A ****ing hero cookie because you watch our kids?!" Yeah. It's that great. He thinks he's such a great dad because he gets our daughter ready for bed. He feels like any cleaning or parenting goes over and above what he should be doing because he feels like those things are all me. And he's amazing because he does any of it. Like I should kiss his feet because he brushes our daughters teeth before bed. He thinks he's the best at everything and no one compares.

There's more. He acts differently around our friends. Especially the female ones. He acts so involved. So sweet. And he flirts with them. It's like he tries so hard to make them wish their husbands were as awesome as he is. Right in front of me. Not just flirting. Get some drinks in him and he touches them and goes on and on about getting the girls to take their tops off. He deletes his texts and forms strong friendships with women. I feel like I can't even introduce him to female friends cuz he'll be a total pig. He doesn't stop relationships when they become inappropriate. He cheated on me once. I'm pretty sure he has since then. I've found condoms in his truck along with a couple other odd incidents. He has recently befriended a client. They frequently meet for coffee and he speaks so highly of her. He told me he would have sex with her if I was there too.

How reassuring. He wants sex parties.. I'm trying to parent our children. People at her workplace have started becoming suspicious of their relationship and when I asked him about it he said he wishes he was screwing her because then at least he would be getting some. Let me point out here that we rarely have sex because we have completely different sleep schedules and I feel like I barely see him. Plus it's getting more and more difficult to want to have sex with this guy.

He expects me to kiss his ass and I just want to leave it. I should have known when it rained on our wedding day and he took the umbrella and only covered himself. I should have known when I just had our baby, and all he did was talk about how uncomfortable he was in the chair. Even the nurses told him to shut up about it. 

It's always about him and how amazing he is, and how no one else comes even close.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

You're only living a lie if you put up with this.

Don't put up with this.

I don't think anything but divorce will be the right move for you.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

It sounds like the early part of my marriage with pregnancy and subsequent resentment except my husband had better boundaries. 

You need to have a Come to Jesus talk with your husband rather than bottle up this resentment. Have you both been to counseling and how many years have you been married? How old is your husband?


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

He may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In any case, it doesn't seem like anything you can fix.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to stop tolerating his cheating, controlling ass and file for divorce.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Call it narcicism, being two-faced, whatever!

You are doing yourself a severe disservice by remaining with him with his behavior being so out of check!*


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Many problems can be solved with better communication. This isn't one of them. He sounds like a rather nasty spouse even if only half of what you wrote was true.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Do you have any support from family?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If its this bad now.... it just does not get better. 

I've been there. I was married for 23 years. And then HE left me! I was working hard trying to figure out how to leave him with 5 teens and an infant granddaughter. I learned how to shut out his bs. I continued to try to get him involved with our kids. I did Little League (I coached without any desire to, or knowledge of how to to get a discount cuz he loooooved to hold onto his money for his own fun), I did Cub Scouts, Girl Scouts, PTA (to be INSIDE the school for my kids). I worked part time, I babysat other kids full time..... He didn't change diapers, go to dr. appointments, I even went to Lamaze classes by myself. 

My point... it gets worse. I learned how to live with it. I had good friends, I put myself through school without his help. I went to marriage counseling without him (he said it was my problem, he didn't need to go), I dealt with out awful teens (and their schools and the police). I even still tried to involve him and TRY to make it work....even while I was figuring out how to get out. 

I can't say how I'd change the past. I'd like to say that I would get out a lot sooner, or never marry him in the first place. Love and marriage shouldn't be so hard, and so lonely. 

Divorce him. It won't be easy, and it won't be pretty.... but it will be sooooooooooooo worth it for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!! 

He's still a schmuck. He counts up his "fatherhood years" like man-hours.... adds the ages of all the kids and says he's been parenting for like 200 years! He has a much more pleasant memory of those years than I do. 

When he left, he was just stupid. He was iffy on child support, as I knew he would be. So I got a roommate, another divorced mom with kids who was struggling. It sucked, but it worked. I quit expecting anything from him way before that.... I knew I couldn't count on him. I met a very sweet, responsible, loving man and moved far away. BEST MOVE EVER. All my kids live here now.... and ten grandkids! 

So, it gets better. It IS doable. Take control of your life. Think positive, BE positive.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Yeah I would get out of that relationship as fast as possible. I'm sorry you are having to go through that, life is too short and you should NEVER let anyone treat you bad.


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## Brianna1 (Dec 27, 2017)

wringo123 said:


> Do you have any support from family?


I don't. That makes it even harder. I have few friends nearby that don't feel like he's the greatest because of the image he puts on when they're in our presence. I feel like I'm drowning..


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## Brianna1 (Dec 27, 2017)

SunnyT said:


> If its this bad now.... it just does not get better.
> 
> I've been there. I was married for 23 years. And then HE left me! I was working hard trying to figure out how to leave him with 5 teens and an infant granddaughter. I learned how to shut out his bs. I continued to try to get him involved with our kids. I did Little League (I coached without any desire to, or knowledge of how to to get a discount cuz he loooooved to hold onto his money for his own fun), I did Cub Scouts, Girl Scouts, PTA (to be INSIDE the school for my kids). I worked part time, I babysat other kids full time..... He didn't change diapers, go to dr. appointments, I even went to Lamaze classes by myself.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your reply. Brought me to tears.


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Brianna1 said:


> I'm living a lie. It looks like I'm living an amazing life. But behind closed doors things are much different. I cannot tolerate my husband.
> 
> I feel like I'm struggling every day. Being a mom is hard work. But I feel like it's even harder when you have a husband like mine. A husband that has expectations. A husband that calls you out on every mistake you make. A husband that feels like he is truly the best. A husband that controls your emotions and makes you bottle them up. A husband that manipulates you and makes you feel like you are never good enough and has no appreciation for what you do.
> 
> ...



?????? Jesus, WHY are you putting up with this low life? WOW, it's time for you to put down your feet and LEAVE. Leave him ALONE. like yesterday. where is your self respect, love and dignity for yourself? 
he is USING you like a toy. he has NO respect for you nor for any other female around him. you are a great HARDWORKING woman. a Loser like him exist at ever street corner! get our and live your life. get a good attorney and start over new. you are dealing with a sick individual and you need to get out.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

His crappy, arrogant, condescending, narcissistic behavior — that’s on him.

Accepting his crappy, arrogant, condescending, narcissistic behavior — well, that’s on YOU.

You are his wife and the mother of his children, not a SLAVE.

Why do you tolerate this? Stop accepting his atrocious behavior. File for divorce.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Brianna1 said:


> I don't. That makes it even harder. I have few friends nearby that don't feel like he's the greatest because of the image he puts on when they're in our presence. I feel like I'm drowning..


Please find a therapist who is knowledgeable about narcissistic abuse. What you describe are classic behaviors. I have lived through the constant goal moving... he goes out of his way to make things more difficult and meeting any of his expectations only means that they are set higher...everything is a competition and you are forced to "prove yourself" over and over...you begin to doubt your own perceptions and reality. There are lots of resources out there, so start educating yourself and find a therapist who understands what you are dealing with. As others have said, it does not get better and eventually you will find yourself less able to cope.

19 Signs You're Married to a Narcissist - Narcissist's Wife
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/toxic-relationships/201709/how-spot-narcissistic-abuse
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...1708/why-do-narcissists-abuse-those-they-love


You will eventually need to leave, but in the meantime, find some support that can help you start working on a plan and help you learn how to deal and what to expect.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Arm yourself with knowledge. This is doable.

You are already doing everything, so being a single parent won't be much different....believe me. Once we split, the whole family could breathe. It felt peaceful and easy. The kids were ok with it....they know he is a difficult man. They know who the sane parent is. 

Call a few attorneys. See if they do the free consultation. Write a list of questions and write questions as you talk to them. Call as many as you want. Read the divorce laws for your state. Arm yourself with knowledge, because you KNOW he's going to try to tell you how HIS divorce is going to go. You have to stay a step ahead of him. He will probably say something like, "you are not taking MY kids"....yes, the ones that he has no clue about. Just do what works for you and don't think about making him angry, or hurting his feelings. 

Knowledge is power. He will THINK he has the power, because he thinks you don't know anything. That's why you arm yourself with knowledge. 

Start collecting things, without his knowledge. Titles, insurance bills, medical bills, credit score, all assets and credits, tax returns, his social security number and drivers license number, bank accounts, etc.... make copies if you have to or just stash the papers somewhere where he won't find them.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If all you had against your husband was all the work you were doing at home with the kids while he was out playing for an employer, I'd say you were just a resentful whiner that didnt want any responsibility...

However, the cheating, the flirting with your friends, the comments about having sec with them...... only a real ******* would do **** like that and I kinda believe you're not just whining about things.

I wouldn't stay in that. There are men that will treat a woman a lot better. Find one.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

If I've picked up any wisdom over the years in my life it's that people will treat you as good as you demand and as bad as you allow.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> If all you had against your husband was all the work you were doing at home with the kids while he was out playing for an employer, I'd say you were just a resentful whiner that didnt want any responsibility...
> 
> However, the cheating, the flirting with your friends, the comments about having sec with them...... only a real ******* would do **** like that and I kinda believe you're not just whining about things.
> 
> I wouldn't stay in that. There are men that will treat a woman a lot better. Find one.


I agree. I was just a whiner in the first part of your post. But the OP’s husband flirting with her friends, I couldn’t stand for that. I would be deeply embarrassed! OP, you need to let your husband know what the boundaries are and what happens when he crosses those. All the best.


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## Brianna1 (Dec 27, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> If all you had against your husband was all the work you were doing at home with the kids while he was out playing for an employer, I'd say you were just a resentful whiner that didnt want any responsibility...
> 
> However, the cheating, the flirting with your friends, the comments about having sec with them...... only a real ******* would do **** like that and I kinda believe you're not just whining about things.
> 
> I wouldn't stay in that. There are men that will treat a woman a lot better. Find one.


I have no problem doing everything I do. Its my job. I love caring for my family. What I do have a problem with is getting no appreciation or respect. That makes me not want to do it anymore. The name calling. Being called a slob because of 2 pieces of trash. Being told nothing is good enough. Being told I can't handle my life and he could do such a better job of he was at home all day when he has no idea what it entails.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your husband sounds like a narcissistic serial cheating nightmare. By staying, you're showing your children what an adult romantic relationship looks like and it's not pretty. If you won't leave for you, leave for them. Don't let them grow up thinking that this is how marriage should be lest they end up in marriages just like yours as either the abuser or the victim.

From your description, you do all the house work, all the parenting, and have a job. Trust me, it's actually easier to do all of the above without having an albatross of a "marriage" hanging round your neck.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Brianna1 said:


> I have no problem doing everything I do. Its my job. I love caring for my family. What I do have a problem with is getting no appreciation or respect. That makes me not want to do it anymore. The name calling. Being called a slob because of 2 pieces of trash. Being told nothing is good enough. Being told I can't handle my life and he could do such a better job of he was at home all day when he has no idea what it entails.


He knows exactly what he is doing, it is deliberate and calculated and intended to destroy yourself esteem. 

http://www.the-ripple-effect.info/pdf/isitreallyabuse.pdf


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Your situation will only get worse.
I agree he shows Narcissistic tendencies.....you’ll never win.
He is bigger and better than you in everything and doesn’t hesitate to point this out to you.

When you are sick....so is he....only he’s sicker 
When you are busy ...he is way busier. ...and so on

You’re fighting a losing battle.
Get out before all the emotional abuse changes you...the neural pathway in you brain gets conditioned to tolerating everything he throws at you. It’ will become your new normal. Don’t let it be. Emotional abuse is insidious....it will just escalate and cut deeper.

Your children will think this is the way men treat women...don’t let them witness this a minute longer.
Having young children I’m sure you feel vulnerable and trapped.

The longer you stay....the harder it is to leave...btdt

If you do what you always do.....you’ll get what you always got.
You can only be responsible for yourself and your responses and actions.

The abuse is on him.....but allowing him to treat you like this is on you.
I get that the future seems dim raising 2 young children on your own but it’s nothing in comparison to the damage your H is going to do to both you and your kids psychologically.

My advice would be to contact your local women’s shelter....they have counselors that deal with your type of situation everyday.
They can steer you down a path to a better life and be supportive along the way.

There are many of us female posters that have lived your marriage and wished we had left sooner rather than later.
The mental health of you and your children depends on you getting out of such a toxic environment.

It will be hard work but you can’t put a price on your psychological health, your and your kids happiness and peace.


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## Brianna1 (Dec 27, 2017)

I think I'm going to start putting money aside and seek counselling. It just doesn't end and it never will. Today he got mad at me because he has to scrub too hard to get marks off the couch. Him scrubbing is making the colour of our couch fade and this is my fault because I don't clean it enough. He wanted me to promise him I'll keep my eye on the couch and clean it.

Then the other day I went out with a friend and he gave me a freaking curfew because he had to work the next day. When I wasnt home 12 minutes past my curfew me phone started flooding with messages. "What don't you understand when I tell you to be home by 9. Hurry up!!!!! This is ridiculous. Do you not realize?!" Then when I rolled in at 9:27 he wouldn't even look at me.

Enough is enough.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Good for you. This kind of controlling behavior is ABUSE, and you are smart to get out ASAP.


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