# What the hell did I get myself into....



## Frenetik (Nov 7, 2013)

Phew....here goes.

I'm 35 and have been married for about 6 months. Yes.....6 months. But, I've been together with my wife for 5 years. In the beginning we were all about sex and having a great time. That lasted for 2 years, then sex started slowing down. I figured I wouldn't push, because I think if she forces herself to do it, then I really don't want any part of it because it doesn't mean anything. So on we went, she began to slow down showing affection. So I said to myself, okay, this is getting a little worrying. But she still said she loved me and loved being with me, and still SAID the right things.

I figured it was just a phase. After awhile she said she wasn't happy with her body. She did gain some weight, but it didn't put me off, so I left it alone again. Didn't bring it up. Only once did I ever ask her if we were going to be intimate, she shut that right down and flat out said "no". I never pushed again after that. Year 4 rolled around and we had sex TWICE in a year and a half. I started getting used to it. I even proposed to her because, yeah, I loved her and still do. And now, 5 years in, it's been almost another full year since we've been intimate.....AND IT WASN'T ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT. We still have yet to celebrate our wedding night. It's getting to be too much. And if I bring it up, I know what's going to happen, things will get awkward. REAL awkward. On top of that, she now works, A LOT. I hardly ever see her. Even when she comes home (I'm still in school studying to be a correctional officer) she stays up maybe all of a few hours, then off to bed after doing nothing but discuss the events of her day.

She rarely ever asks how my day went, never really takes any problems I may have seriously, constantly "one-ups" me....I mean honestly....who the hell "one-ups" their spouse? What're we? 18 years old sitting on a bus trading stories??? F*%$!!!! I want to tell her flat out how I feel, but us guys can't do that. Noooooo. Because we start looking needy, or we start putting too much pressure on the relationship.....even though we've said maybe 2 negative words in 5 years about how things are going. She's extremely defensive as well. There's never a discussion, I'm usually in the wrong so after awhile I just kept my mouth shut. It's just not worth it.

Now, I think in terms of attraction. Am I attractive? I don't see myself as such. But, and I don't say this to get an ego boost, I've been told by plenty of women that I'm very handsome. I've even had 2 elderly ladies in the building tell that "If I was younger, boy you'd be in trouble". Again, I don't see myself as being handsome or cute, I just don't. But I don't let myself go and hang around in stained underwear and tanktop, not by a long shot. I do keep myself fit and exercise regularly. In fact, there's been several times recently where I've been speaking with another woman and I kind of get the feeling that they've been flirting, just by the eye contact and smile and the touches......them touching me, I don't dare do the physical contact. But you know what? I'm thinking to myself, if these women are flirting with me, and I have to back-off (which I do....religiously!) what the hell am I backing off FOR? I know when I go home I'm going to be getting the unwelcome feeling and the whole 'nother quiet night to myself thing.

In fairness though, she does still say she loves me. She does still make an effort to play married couple and even the little things like saying "babe", and it's damned hard to know what to do. But I'm friggen frustrated. How long can we go without sex or any form of affection? It feels unhealthy. VERY, VERY unhealthy. And we're still young! I don't get it, literally and metaphorically speaking. If I bring it up, will it be a straight shot to the divorce table or will it just drag things out into a longer period of the silent treatment. And divorce is really a tough one at this point too. If things really got that bad, I'd have no way to move out to my own place. There is no work in this small town, I have no car to get employment outside of town (I live off student loans at the moment), and there would just be nothing but more suffering in general. Seriously....what the hell!!!!


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation. Doesn't sound like fun at all.

Think about what she gets from the relationship? And what do you get in return?

Some might jump straight to "she's having an affair" and they might be right. She also might just be in a rut with you and feels no need to try anymore.

Not sure what the answer is on her end. However, you can work on your end of things.

Remember, you can't make anyone do anything....but you can influence them to react to you depending on how you are.

If you are making yourself awesome and just go and have a great life...she is welcome to join you if she is deserving.

Just some random thoughts for you.


Good luck.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, you shouldn't have married her knowing the attraction was fading. Any kids? If not, divorce her ASAP and move on with your lives.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Sounds like she has a horrible sex drive. The sad part is that you accepted her 'as is' and married her knowing how low her sex drive is. After two years, you no longer have sex anymore. She became comfertable and her "I love yous" kept you around. Girls are not dumb, my man. They know exactly what to do to get a guy to fall into their 'traps' some will say. If you would have walked after that 2 year mark or told her things that you need out of this relationship, things could be different but you did not. She knew that by her saying I love you and charming you was the way to your heart and to the ring on her finger. Sex was thrown out after that. A lot of women hate sex and only do it to please there man. The minute you don't say "we need to physically love each or I walk" is the minute she wins. 

This is the beginning of your mental breakdown.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm trying to understand why the [email protected] you married her. How long have you been living together? How did you survive before that?

C


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Some thoughts:

-Make a list of what you want in life concerning sex, love, material goods, children, etc. Anything really important that will make you happy.
-Where those things cannot be met by what you are doing at this time, change what you are doing to make those goals more obtainable.
-Get a job that can support you. Move if you need to.
-What your wife is not doing to meet your needs and support the marriage and work toward those same goals, tell her how you expect things to change.
-Decide to stand up for your happiness and marriage. Once you have started down the path toward you goals and are able to live and provide for yourself, file for divorce. Make certain you are able to live on your own. Know where and how you will survive. This will tell you if she is serious. It will also let you know what to do.


The other thoughts are:

She won't change for you. You may as well get out now. Don't know if that's true. I am not her and am only going by what I read in your opening post and what I've read here. It's the harsh reality and the easy way out.


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## Frenetik (Nov 7, 2013)

Thanks for the reply guys.

I married her because I thought it was just a phase, and I really do love her. I figured I could handle it since I've handled horribly trying things in the past. But I don't know.

I know it's not an affair. She doesn't really exhibit that kind of behaviour and there's just no signs of someone else being in her life. Well, I should say I'm 95% sure there's nobody else. But I do kind of keep myself prepared in the back of my head, just in case.

She does have a horrible sex drive. I figured it may have been the fact that she takes anti-depressants since I have heard in the past that they can wreak havoc on a person's libido. I just didn't want to leave her because of that, it wouldn't be right. But I mean she needs to be happy, AND I need to happy. It's hard thinking about leaving, hell I sat up last night feeling like an [email protected]&hole for writing what did in here but it's how I feel. I don't like myself for it, but I can't help it.

And as far as feeling like she's in a rut? Well I sure as hell hope not, but I can't force her to feel one way or the other, you're right, nor would I ever try. Something unnatural and forced just isn't worth it.

And yes, this does feel like the beginning of my mental breakdown. GAH!!!!!

I do appreciate the opportunity to vent here though. I mean I know there's no simple answer, I just wanted to get some advice.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice... Make yourself self-sufficient. Then confront her with the idea that she either works with you to get your marriage fixed, or it's over. And be prepared to follow through. 

In the meantime, read up on the "Married Man's Sex Life Primer", and start working it. If nothing else, it will help you with wife 2.0. 

C


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I dont really see a high probability of an affair tho i would go into radar mode. Dont spend money but keep your eyes open. Now if you see her doing stuff like never putting her phone down, too many GNOs to unknown locations etc...


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## Frenetik (Nov 7, 2013)

Again, thanks guys, for the responses and the resources. It's greatly appreciated.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

First comment, you're not really married yet so we're talking annulment, not divorce. You've not consummated the marriage, right?

Second, I wonder if you not bringing in a paycheck plays a significant role in her lack of desire for you. Seems to me that women tend to be attracted to men who are leaders and providers. When I first got married I was a student with no job and my wife worked full time. I know she caught a lot of flack for me being what amounts to a dependent. Her father really didn't like it. That lasted a couple of months before I wised up and took a part time job in the non-school hours. That made all the difference for me.

The corrections officer programs that I've heard of tend to be 16 week/4 month programs. You've been with her for 5 years and married 6 months. How long does your program last? What were you doing before? When do you finish? Will you be starting work soon? I don't want to get personal, but somehow I'm picking up on a bit of a laziness vibe, and you not wanting to leave because you have no place to go makes it sound like you're using her. You need to understand that this is not the kind of behavior that makes most women's panties wet. It just isn't.


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## chuckawu (Nov 7, 2013)

The sad part is that you accepted her 'as is' and married her knowing how low her sex drive is.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Frenetik said:


> She rarely ever asks how my day went, never really takes any problems I may have seriously, constantly "one-ups" me....I mean honestly....who the hell "one-ups" their spouse? What're we? 18 years old sitting on a bus trading stories??? F*%$!!!! *I want to tell her flat out how I feel, but us guys can't do that. Noooooo. Because we start looking needy, or we start putting too much pressure on the relationship.....*even though we've said maybe 2 negative words in 5 years about how things are going. She's extremely defensive as well. There's never a discussion, I'm usually in the wrong so after awhile I just kept my mouth shut. It's just not worth it.


WRONG!! You HAVE to tell her how you feel, otherwise she wont know! Women are not mind readers any more than men are. Sit her down one evening and let her know exactly how you are feeling, and what you need from her. Let her know that there needs to be effort on her part to meet your needs, or you or going to have to leave the marriage. Then BE PREPARED TO FOLLOW THROUGH. You have to show her you are serious or you have zero chance at her taking you seriously.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I don't understand how you could think it was "just a phase" when things were only good for the first two years and you were together five years before marriage. Things are bad for three years and then all of the sudden you're shocked when they're still bad after marriage?


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