# My story, frustrated and need advice.



## AnonymousWife (Apr 30, 2015)

I have a lengthy story to tell that goes with my present situation because a lot needs to be explained. So here goes-

My husband and I met in high school. He was a senior and I was a sophomore. We dated a few months before we started having sex. We got married the summer before my graduation. We settled down pretty quickly once we were married.

A year after graduation, I gave birth to our first child. Things seemed to be pretty good between us. We remained sexually active, at least once or twice a week. It wasn't long before I had gotten pregnant with our 2nd baby. Our 3rd came a few years after. Things seemed to really fall apart after our 3rd child. My H struggled to hold down jobs. He became depressed and moody. Our sex life quickly diminished. We maybe had sex once a month at this point. Before I got pregnant with our 4th, we hadn't had sex for months. It only took the one time we did have sex for me to get pregnant. 

After the birth of our last baby, my H fell into a deep depression. He turned into a totally different man. It wasn't long before I asked him to get help. But he felt he could deal with things on his own. Several months passed and there was no improvement with him. Finally, he asked for help. The doctor put him on antidepressants and a few other meds for his personality disorders. I completely understood why our sex life halted. I'm not that shallow. I know mental illnesses cause you to behave differently and have a lower sex drive. I tried to be as understanding as possible. 

My H and I rarely got along at this point. Things got to the point where I asked him to move out about 3 years ago. He left for about a week and stayed at his parent’s place. Then he came to me to talk. He was wanting to work things out and wanted to seek counseling. I let him move back in. Within about a week or so, he found a therapist. But things didn't really improve much because he was withholding his feelings and emotions. It wasn't until about 6 months into the sessions that I noticed that he was truly trying to make an effort. He was opening up more about our issues and working on being a better husband and father. Not that our sex life had improved, but at least we were communicating well and trying to emotionally reconnect. It was a good start toward being on the right track again.

Just when things started to improve, the counselor he was seeing at the time went on maternity leave for 3 months. During those months, he reverted back to his old self. She was no longer there to keep him accountable. Once she got back from leave, he started seeing her again. He got back on track. He made improvements. 3 months after being back, she told him that she could no longer be his therapist because she had decided to take a job closer to her home. But she was willing to help set him up with a new one. He declined. He felt like he was in a good place and could manage on his own. It's been 9 months of no counseling.

My sex drive came back in FULL force after I finished breastfeeding our last baby(about 3 years ago)! I was always and still am ready and willing to have sex. Anytime I've asked to or made a move, there is always some excuse on his part, like he always has a headache or just isn't feeling up to it. On the rare occasions we did have sex, he might get me to orgasm or just tell me he wasn't feeling it, so he would just stop. I started to question a lot of things about myself. I felt inadequate and that there was something wrong with me. I wondered, did he have ED and didn't want to seek help for it? I know some of the meds can cause issues with that, too. It's been 3 years of little to no sex. 3 freaking years of the same thing. That brings me to where I'm at now. And why I've posted on the previous thread. "http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/264146-husband-has-desire-sleep-someone-else.html"html

The past couple months, he's been acting different. He's been talking a lot about self improvement, weight loss and things like that. Yes, I know the RED flags for cheating. But I know that he's not cheating. That would require him to actually do something and leave the house alone for some time, which he doesn't do very often. So for him to tell me that he has a desire to have sex with someone else, floored me. It's not like him to want to put himself out there like that and for him to not explain anything to me. He says he doesn't think it's anything for me to worry about. If that were the case, why tell me at all? 

So about a month ago, I caught him masturbating to porn in the bathroom. That's the first time in years I have seen him viewing it. I asked him, why would he be watching that and pleasuring himself when he has a very willing wife to do it for him? He told me that he doesn't do it very often. I chose to not start an argument with him. I let him know that I was open to watching it together next time to see if there are different things we can try, But, we didn't end up watching anything together. I even bought the toys to spice things up in the bedroom. When they arrived in the mail, he seemed excited to try some out. For that week, we had sex about every day or two. It wasn't until the end of that week that he got his orgasm, then all of a sudden got up and told me I could use my toys to finish myself off. I felt humiliated. I told myself I WILL NOT allow myself to feel that way ever again. We haven't had sex since...it's been 2 weeks. We had more sex in that week than we'd had in a whole year. 

H told me 5 days ago that he had a desire to have sex with someone else. As I try to talk with him about it, more and more things come to light. He told me yesterday that he watches porn regularly to get off and has for a long time. So I'm thinking he really doesn't have a LD. He just doesn't want to have sex with ME anymore. Now, I'm thinking the porn has brought on these fantasies. He keeps wanting me to do anal. We've tried it in the past, but it really wasn't my thing. I'm now open to trying it again, but, it's not something that I want to start off with. I want us to get back to a more active sex life first. I do know that he no longer finds me attractive. He told me that much last night. I don't know how to fix this.

I know this is so much more than him simply wondering what it's like to have sex with someone else. I know our marriage is in a broken state. His lack of communication is a BIG deal for me. Despite all my efforts and willingness to talk things through, he won’t explain anything to me, under the assumption of “you just wouldn't understand”. I do not bring up my experiences from previous lovers with him. All 3 of my previous sexual experiences were when I was a teen and too young to truly understand what I had gotten myself into. I really want that emotional connection that he and I once had. I truly want to work things out with him, but I'm tired of investing all of my energy into trying to make this work. I need answers. I know he has his answers, but he won't give them to me. He has thoughts about this stuff, but he won’t come out and say them. I feel like he is hiding. I originally wanted some insight as to why he has been and is feeling the way the he does...but I think I already have my answers. I'm needing some support and advice on how to move forward.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your husband still on medication?

Here is a book that I think would help you get some perspective on your situation:

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Working link to OP's other thread.


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## AnonymousWife (Apr 30, 2015)

Yes, he's still on medication.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AnonymousWife,

Thanks for posting more information. It should help you get replies that fit your situation a lot better.


What it sounds like is that your husband has lost his connection to you. He's got 1.5 feet out he door basically.

You say that you know he's not cheating because he'd have to actually go out to do that. Does he had a job that he has to leave the house for?

Men are as likely to make a marriage sexless, or near sexless, as a women are. A sexless marriage is one in which there is sex 10 or fewer times a year. His using porn instead of having sex with you is not that uncommon. 

Normally I would suggest the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". They might help. But he would have to be willing to read them with you and work through what the books say to do. I don't think he's at that point right now.

So I go back to you need to stop chasing him and start focusing on yourself. You pulling back some might actually get his attention too.


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## AnonymousWife (Apr 30, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> AnonymousWife,
> 
> Thanks for posting more information. It should help you get replies that fit your situation a lot better.
> 
> ...


He doesn't have a job. I'm the sole provider of our family. I'm ok with that. He spends a good part of his day in bed and playing games on his computer. I've suggested a few books for us to read. He will not read them. 

In the past, I have stopped focusing on him and just focus on myself and our children. But then he thinks that things are just fine and dandy. I overlook so much of what he does now. Except the porn and him wanting to have sex with someone else, I won't tolerate it. He's stopped helping out around the house. He doesn't help much with our children. He's just there.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I am going to stick to my analysis from the previous thread. I figured he lost interest in you, you have been chasing him for sex. You have been letting him not uphold his bargain when he married you, not well anyways, and he has lost respect.

He has emotionally neglected you for years,, not really mentally there in the relationship. He was using your body for comfort, not for love and mutual satisfaction.

Mentally, he has not matured that much from his adolescent years. He was not given structure, examples of how to be an adult, no one really held him accountable for much.

For instance, the more you learn a new language, the more neural connections occur, changing the wiring of your brain. I believe his maturity level is still that of a teen.

The therapist was someone he saw as an authority figure, so the therapist was able to help give guidance. You well know, or should figure out, he does not see or view you as his equal, and you would rank low on his totem of priority.

So, he hides behind an emotional wall, and has block you from getting much of a glimpse, and as walls operate, most of your hurt and anger is block from him as well.

If you left him, you would be considered the classical walk-away wife. He would not see it coming because he stop being aware of you.

With porn, and other women he wants to use for sex, he is using them like a sex toy, with no emotions involved. He is constantly thinking of getting a new high. Porn is easier to do, and he does not have to maintain any work, need a relationship to get his sexual tension dissipated.

He is still holding onto anger and resentment, which is keeping him a clear emotional distance. You wanting anything from him is likely angering him, which I think you can see. His world is self centric.

He has been determining how sex and the relationship should operate. You have been just taking what you can get, you never stop, taken a stand,besides on a few occasions. You have put up with scraps from him.

You should really start respecting yourself. If he withdraws, let him. Start living your own life and improving it. He will only hold you down.

The more you love yourself, the more respect and esteem you have, the less sh1t you will put up with.

If he leaves, it is not exactly like your losing a prize. He is dysfunctional, and he does not show you love, respect, he sees you more like a old toy that he has lost interest in. He does not know how to cherish what he has, he does not know how to be grateful to a wife who stayed for a long time in a relationship where she does not get anything emotionally from.

Instead of using that energy to chase someone who does not value you, use that energy to value and improve yourself. It is wasted on him.
Btw, from your other thread, I still think you should peg him with a 10 inch dildo and see how he likes it. You shouldn't have to do anal just because he wants it. Tell him you want to pound his pathetic a$$.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AnonymousWife said:


> He doesn't have a job. I'm the sole provider of our family. I'm ok with that. He spends a good part of his day in bed and playing games on his computer. I've suggested a few books for us to read. He will not read them.


I think you married my second husband. 

Why are you ok with him spending his days in bed and playing games on his computer? You are enabling you. 

This gives even more insight into what is going on. He has become a teenage boy and you have become his mother. Teen boys don't have sex with their mothers.

This is so much like what I went through with my now 2nd-ex. He lost his job (huge company layoff). He never found another job. He fell apart emotionally and spent years playing on the computer. He would not help with anything.. to include his 2 children who he had 100% custody of. I have one son. So I become the sole breadwinner and did absolutely everything inside and out side the home. Raise his children and mine.

I did something terrible... I enabled him. And that is what you are doing. You are allowing him to be a non-productive person. I know you think that you are taking care of him, "In sickness and health." But what it's doing is destroying your marriage.



AnonymousWife said:


> In the past, I have stopped focusing on him and just focus on myself and our children. But then he thinks that things are just fine and dandy. I overlook so much of what he does now. Except the porn and him wanting to have sex with someone else, I won't tolerate it. He's stopped helping out around the house. He doesn't help much with our children. He's just there.


Do you really know what he's doing on line? Porn. But there is so much more available online. He does not need to leave. I put a key stroke monitor on my 2nd-ex's computer. What I found out is that we was not just playing computer games. He has a complete second life (not the game) online. He hangs out on sex sites. Is involved in utherverse and other such sex-role play sites online. He had online sexting relationships that lasted for years.

And guess what he did not want.. sex with me. I had become his mother. His children called him a 15 year old. 

They were furious at him because according to them, he behaved more like a spoiled teen then they did.

This post provides some new information that gives a much clearer picture of what is going on. He does not need to leave the house because he can bring it all into your home on his computer.

How aware are you of what he is really doing on his computer while you are away all day working and then at home at night and on the weekends taking care of everything for your family?


.


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## AnonymousWife (Apr 30, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I think you married my second husband.
> 
> Why are you ok with him spending his days in bed and playing games on his computer? You are enabling you.
> 
> ...


I'm not ok with him spending his days in bed. But I can't exactly make him do anything. It has become apparent that I'm enabling him. What can I do to stop? I have the ability to work from home. I have a pretty good idea that he doesn't have this 2nd life as your ex did. I've went through his phone and computer and have found nothing to support that. But I'm not as tech savy as he is. There is always a possibility that there's more to it than just porn. All of this is why I've decided to seek others opinions and advice. I don't want to enable him any longer. But I do have alot of guilt bc I don't want to be the one to destroy our family.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I'm not a big believer in the blame everything on porn attitude. However, in this case it would actually appear to be the problem. IF, you could get him on board with addressing the issue along with probably a counselor, I think there might be some hope. You would have to get him to quite the porn habit for a good period of time, 6 or 12 months minimum. Internet filters on the router, no racy cable channels, take away the smartphone etc. 

If he did that I suspect his desire for you would come back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AnonymousWife said:


> I'm not ok with him spending his days in bed. But I can't exactly make him do anything. It has become apparent that I'm enabling him. What can I do to stop?


I’ll address this below…



AnonymousWife said:


> I have the ability to work from home. I have a pretty good idea that he doesn't have this 2nd life as your ex did. I've went through his phone and computer and have found nothing to support that. But I'm not as tech savy as he is.


Did you find evidence of the porn that he’s using? Or was that pretty well hidden?
Your h might not be doing as much as mine did. But he is at least using porn and ignoring your needs.
My ex is very tech savy as he used to be a web developer. The first time I figured out what he was up to I found it because I too am very tech savy (software engineer). He promised to stop.
Then after a while things just did not seem right but his computer looked completely clean. So I installed a key stroke monitor. He had hidden files deep in the operating system so that they were hard to find. The keystroke logs and screen shots helped me find it all.
It is of course up to you if you want to snoop. What you do know is bad enough.


AnonymousWife said:


> There is always a possibility that there's more to it than just porn. All of this is why I've decided to seek others opinions and advice. I don't want to enable him any longer. But I do have alot of guilt bc I don't want to be the one to destroy our family.


You are not the one who is destroying the family. The guy who is spending his days in bed playing on the computer is doing a very good job of that.

So let’s look at how you can stop enabling him.

What do you do? Tough love. Never do anything for a male over the age of 5 that he can do for himself.

Can you list some of the things you do for him? For example: 


Do you do his laundry? 
Do you put his clothing away when it’s clean?
Do you do the grocery shopping?
Does he have spending money?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anonmd said:


> I'm not a big believer in the blame everything on porn attitude. However, in this case it would actually appear to be the problem. IF, you could get him on board with addressing the issue along with probably a counselor, I think there might be some hope. You would have to get him to quite the porn habit for a good period of time, 6 or 12 months minimum. Internet filters on the router, no racy cable channels, take away the smartphone etc.
> 
> If he did that I suspect his desire for you would come back.


I agree with his for as far as it goes. I have no issue with anyone using porn. One issue is that he is ignoring her needs.

But the problems in their marriage is a LOT deeper. His lack of desire to have sex with the OP is just a symptom of the bigger problem. The bigger problem is that he is now behaving like a kid who spends his days in bed playing on the computer. Their marriage cannot be fixed, and their sex life cannot be fixed until he starts acting like a husband, father and mature member of society.


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## Muse1976 (Apr 25, 2015)

AnonymousWife,

I 'm glad you gave us more information to work with. My position still stands. Health boundaries are essential. I also reiterate the point of MC/IC. The only other suggestion I could give you would be to start pulling back same and see if that changes things at all. Have you read MEM's temp thread? Mr. Fisty and EleGirl both gave you tons of good info.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Another thing that would help you is for you to get individual counseling for co-dependency. You are clearly co-dependent.

What does that mean? You are putting his needs ahead of your own. Things are so bad that over time you have slipped into a co-dependent relationship in which he keeps doing things that are destructive to himself, your relationship and your children. And you are spending your energy trying to fix him. It's a natural reaction to a very bad situation.

But there is a way out of it. There is a classic book on this topic:

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself


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## AnonymousWife (Apr 30, 2015)

anonmd said:


> I'm not a big believer in the blame everything on porn attitude. However, in this case it would actually appear to be the problem. IF, you could get him on board with addressing the issue along with probably a counselor, I think there might be some hope. You would have to get him to quite the porn habit for a good period of time, 6 or 12 months minimum. Internet filters on the router, no racy cable channels, take away the smartphone etc.
> 
> If he did that I suspect his desire for you would come back.


He did make an appointment to see a counselor next week. But he's the type of guy the sugar coat things. Tell you want he thinks you want to here to get you off his back. He doesn't the same thing to a counselor. If I want them to know what's truly going on, I'll have to tell them myself. He has never admitted he has a gaming addiction. And now the porn. I don't have a problem with him occasionally viewing it. It's happening daily, he's addicted. Just yesterday he told me he was going to stop. But when I took a nap this afternoon. I woke up bc our kids kept coming to the bathroom door asking their dad questions and he kept shooing them away. He was in there for more than your typical #2 bathroom duty. I surprisingly unlocked the door to find him doing the deed watching it on his cell. I'm disgusted by the fact that he couldn't even control himself long enough to let me take a nap and watch our kids. When it hits him, he's GOT to do it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you can go see his counselor with him. That's the problem with a person in his situation going to a counselor. They generally give a picture that is nothing close to reality.


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## AnonymousWife (Apr 30, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I agree with his for as far as it goes. I have no issue with anyone using porn. One issue is that he is ignoring her needs.


 * I agree. *



EleGirl said:


> Did you find evidence of the porn that he’s using? Or was that pretty well hidden? *As far as I know he mostly uses his cell phone. I haven't seen him watch anything on the computer. I do know that he goes into Incongnito to view.*
> 
> You are not the one who is destroying the family. The guy who is spending his days in bed playing on the computer is doing a very good job of that. *I know but if I ask him to leave, our kids will blame me. It happened in the past. He takes no accountability for his actions. He always plays the victim.*


I'm a big enabler. I pretty much do every damn thing for the man. UGH! It's going to be hard to stop taking care of him but I know it's what I have to do. I was just having a similar conversation with a friend about this today. But I didn't really see it as enabling him, I viewed it as taking away privileges. I know it looks like I treat him like a child. But he acts just like a man child. lol!


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## AnonymousWife (Apr 30, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> If you can go see his counselor with him. That's the problem with a person in his situation going to a counselor. They generally give a picture that is nothing close to reality.


It is. The counselor he will be seeing will be more than happy for me to come to one of his sessions. But I feel like they need to give him the opportunity to tell them himself. He's got so many issues that need to be resolved. He needs extensive therapy. He just doesn't want to put in the work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AnonymousWife said:


> * I agree. *
> 
> 
> 
> I'm a big enabler. I pretty much do every damn thing for the man. UGH! It's going to be hard to stop taking care of him but I know it's what I have to do. I was just having a similar conversation with a friend about this today. But I didn't really see it as enabling him, I viewed it as taking away privileges. I know it looks like I treat him like a child. But he acts just like a man child. lol!


A good way to judge whether or not you are enabling him is to ask if he could live this life style if you were not doing all the things you are for him. I think, from what you have said, that he could not live this lifestyle. He could not stay in bed all day and play computer games. He’d have to do something to get an income so support himself. So he’d have to work. If he is working he cannot play computer games all day.

And what about all the other things you do for him? He’d have to shop, cook, clean, do laundry and on and on.
Do not tell him to leave right now. You need to work on getting yourself to a place emotionally where you can handle the fact that you are treating him like a child and that you have to let go and let him fix himself. You cannot fix him. He has to do that.

So here's my take on it. Get into individual counseling to help yourself navigate your way out of co-dependency and read the book. The book is worth hours upon hours of counseling. If you cannot afford a counselor, there are co-decency support groups. 

Talk to your counselor about how to deal with your children. You are teaching your children that this is what marriage is. They have no clue that what is going on is not ok. They do not get that their father is using you. Your sons will grow up to be like their father…. A man who uses mental illness as an excuse to mooch off a woman. Your daughters will grow up to have a marriage like yours and let some man walk all move her while she does everything. Is this really what you want for your children?

Your counselor can help you find ways to teach your children that what their father is doing is not OK. By you standing up to the situation and stopping your enabling of him, you will teach your children that this is not ok. You can probably influence them pretty quickly, a few weeks or months. I’m not talking about you speaking badly about their father to them or turning them against him. They will still have him if your marriage breaks up. 

If there is any chance at all of making your marriage healthy again you have to stop enabling him. You have to start taking care of yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AnonymousWife said:


> It is. The counselor he will be seeing will be more than happy for me to come to one of his sessions. But I feel like they need to give him the opportunity to tell them himself. He's got so many issues that need to be resolved. He needs extensive therapy. He just doesn't want to put in the work.


If you want to continue your marriage, I think it is prudent for you to go once and tell your side of the story. What you posted here is a good start of what you need to tell.

But you are right, you cannot direct his counseling. He has to do this himself. He does not want to put in the effort because he does not have to. His life is good. He has you to take care of all his needs.. except for the other women he wants sex with.

He probably feels that fixing himself is a bad idea because then he has to do things like take responsibility and grow up. What's the fun in that?

What would happen to a baby bird if it's mother did not push it to overcome it's fears and try to fly? It would die in the nest eventually. Well that's what is happening with your husband.

Most of the work of therapy does not happen in the therapy session. It happens in the day-to-day living between sessions. 

perhaps you could see his counselor, explain what is going on and ask the counselor to help by giving you ideas of things you can do to get him more functional.

Which brings me back to the list. I had asked if you would list some of things you do for him. could you please do that? There was a purpose to that question.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

So, I am taking the optimistic view here and I don't disagree with El that there are lot's of other issues at play but I'm pretty simple at heart.

First off, yes he's behaving like a teenager and you'd be totally justified in kicking him to the curb if you've 'had it'. But you came for advice so it seems you are not done?

I think you going to see the counselor to make your views and requirements clear for at least a session or two is a fine idea. 

I think if there is any way to get this guy out in the work world with a job of ANY type, could be huge help. Does not matter what it is or how much he makes. Bag groceries, flip hamburgers, whatever. Grown men have a job. Even the mentally challenged can hand out stickers at Walmart. Non-negotiable, in the next X months he will obtain employment. 

Again, taking the optimistic view here. He has an actual sex drive, it is misdirected to porn rather than you but it is a sex drive. The "got to do it" part may be highly warped and disgusting or it may be closer to a normal male drive. It can be rather compelling and if directed towards the electronic device in your pocket rather than a real women with a schedule and things to do, well what's wrong with right now?



AnonymousWife said:


> I surprisingly unlocked the door to find him doing the deed watching it on his cell. I'm disgusted by the fact that he couldn't even control himself long enough to let me take a nap and watch our kids. When it hits him, he's GOT to do it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You kicked him out for a week and during that week at his parents house he came to terms with the fact that what he's doing to his wife and family is not good and he needed to get help. He came back, got help and things were good.

Now he is no longer getting help and things have gotten worse.

Answer: kick him out but this time don't let him back until he has established therapy with someone, has a job, and is ready to *get down on his fvcking knees and apologize for telling you he is no longer sexually attracted to you!*

What I can't wrap my brain around is why you would even want to have sex with a man who says he isn't sexually attracted to you. I mean how the hell do you come back from that? 

I think maybe you could use some therapy too. I think you might be enabling him. As Mr. Fisty pointed out, you're chasing him. You're allowing him to think he's got something to offer other than a stiff d!ck, which isn't all that reliable. The man has no job, has mental health problems for which he refuses to seek therapy and expects you to offer up your ass for his enjoyment yet he refuses to go down in you?

Girlfriend, you need a serious wake up call. This man seems nothing more than a sperm donor!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Well this new information changes everything. I don't think his comments about sex with other women have anything at all to do with him having been a virgin and you having other lovers before him.

Boundaries. You need to establish and enforce them.


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## AnonymousWife (Apr 30, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Which brings me back to the list. I had asked if you would list some of things you do for him. could you please do that? There was a purpose to that question.


Thanks Ele for all the great advice! Now to this question here. I avoided it bc it is embarrassing how much I do for him. Here are things I can think of off the top of my head. There is more, I just do things without even thinking.  
*cook
*make his dinner plate, sometimes other meals as well.
*laundry
*pay for higher meg internet
*has unlimited access to our debit account (which he mostly uses for his gaming)
*order his meds at the pharmacy and picks them up
*fill his med box weekly
*buy all of his essential needs


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## AnonymousWife (Apr 30, 2015)

anonmd said:


> I think if there is any way to get this guy out in the work world with a job of ANY type, could be huge help. Does not matter what it is or how much he makes. Bag groceries, flip hamburgers, whatever. Grown men have a job. Even the mentally challenged can hand out stickers at Walmart. Non-negotiable, in the next X months he will obtain employment.


He's has worked so many jobs. He never has kept a job for more than a few months. I just gave up on requesting that he have a job. 



anonmd said:


> Again, taking the optimistic view here. He has an actual sex drive, it is misdirected to porn rather than you but it is a sex drive. The "got to do it" part may be highly warped and disgusting or it may be closer to a normal male drive. It can be rather compelling and if directed towards the electronic device in your pocket rather than a real women with a schedule and things to do, well what's wrong with right now?


I wouldn't have a problem with occasional porn and masturbating. Especially when it's around "that time of the month." He hasn't out right told me how long this has been going on. I'm sure it's been for quite awhile, I just had my blinders on. Now that I know he has a sex drive and it isn't something medical. I'm just pissed that he doesn't communicate the things that he needs sexually. It seems like he's embarrassed to talk about these things.


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## AnonymousWife (Apr 30, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Answer: kick him out but this time don't let him back until he has established therapy with someone, has a job, and is ready to *get down on his fvcking knees and apologize for telling you he is no longer sexually attracted to you!*


* 
I will NOT destroy my family until I am absolutely certain that I have tried everything within my power to try to fix things. Everyone has gave some great advice that I'd like to try. And with him going back to counseling. I feel like I need to atleast give it one last shot. 



Anon Pink said:



What I can't wrap my brain around is why you would even want to have sex with a man who says he isn't sexually attracted to you. I mean how the hell do you come back from that?

Click to expand...

He told me 2 days ago that he lost his attraction too me. I basically had to pull it out of him though so I'm not sure if he was just saying things bc he was angry. I have felt like he was no longer attracted to me based off his actions, it was never admitted.*


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Here is something else to consider if therapy is not going well, create a crisis, or destabilize the relationship.

If you wait until you are emotionally done, and then he tries to change while your divorcing him,it will probably reach the point of no return. Imagine the anger and resentment that will accompany when you have started moving on with your life, when your finally build up the strength to move on, only to have him change then to try and win back what was lost.

Before you lose all affection and get to the point of no return,, you need to create that crisis. It will either motivate him or not.

Kind of like someone eating unhealthy foods, they know that what they are doing is destructive, but until that first heart attack, they will not change their lifestyle and diet. The issues can no longer be ignored.

Also, you have to stop being his mother, he has to self- motivate himself. You want an adult relationship after all with a responsible adult, a quality which he is severely lacking.

He has been using you, thus his lack of respect and probable loss of attraction. He uses you as a sex toy, something to get off, and does not treat you like a living being, a person with her own sexual needs and desire.

Everything is too convenient for him, so he has taken everything for granted. He doesn't have to put work into anything. Why should he work, you provide for him. Why should he respect you, your always there waiting and hoping for his affection. Why does he have to be involved, he has shown that he can behave badly and yet still have a family that will not leave him. Why should he be motivated?

I suggest you detach for now, show him that if he does not change his behavior, and this time for an extended period, that you would be better off without him, and that he will not be allowed to become a terrible role model for the children, which he will impact negatively. Not to mention he is not someone they can be proud of. Don't chase for now, keep an emotional distance.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

I believe Mr Fisty is right about detachment helping you no matter the outcome of the marriage. It will give you strength to enforce non negotiable boundaries that up til now he has crossed without any consequences. Detachment will also give you clarity of thought so that if your situation was that of a close female friend, the good advice you would give to her would be the advice you would take for yourself.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

AnonymousWife said:


> He's has worked so many jobs. He never has kept a job for more than a few months. I just gave up on requesting that he have a job.
> 
> 
> I wouldn't have a problem with occasional porn and masturbating. Especially when it's around "that time of the month." He hasn't out right told me how long this has been going on. I'm sure it's been for quite awhile, I just had my blinders on. Now that I know he has a sex drive and it isn't something medical. I'm just pissed that he doesn't communicate the things that he needs sexually. It seems like he's embarrassed to talk about these things.


Not medical but possibly psychological, which is really medical as well. With his issues he may not be able to handle any porn use without going down the rabbit hole. 

Working, at anything, will occupy his time and some of his thoughts. You should have a periodic consult with the therapist if possible which may need to be joint to get any actual information I could be all wet but it sounds like all his issues are part of the whole rather than over here he has this depression + whatever else and over there he has lost attraction to his wife...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

AnonymousWife said:


> I will NOT destroy my family until I am absolutely certain that I have tried everything within my power to try to fix things. Everyone has gave some great advice that I'd like to try. And with him going back to counseling. I feel like I need to atleast give it one last shot.
> 
> 
> He told me 2 days ago that he lost his attraction too me. I basically had to pull it out of him though so I'm not sure if he was just saying things bc he was angry. I have felt like he was no longer attracted to me based off his actions, it was never admitted.


What kind of family would be destroyed? What kind of influence is this version of family having on your kids? How will your daughters know what to expect and insist from a husband by watching your marriage? What will your sons expect from themselves, or their wives, by watching your marriage? 

Okay so maybe he was mad and blurted it out. But if it was said in the heat of the moment and not true, he would have taken it back pretty damn quickly.

He has lost respect for you. You continually look the other way when he fails both as a man and as a husband. You've stopped expecting him to contribute, he has therefore stopped expecting himself to contribute.

I believe your own lack of boundaries are actually enabling his steady decline.

Only when his life is a complete mess will he ever make effort to be or do something different.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AnonymousWife said:


> Thanks Ele for all the great advice! Now to this question here. I avoided it bc it is embarrassing how much I do for him. Here are things I can think of off the top of my head. There is more, I just do things without even thinking.


Yea, I get it about the being embarrassed thing. But the only way to fix this is to put everything out, look at it and deal with it. No reason to be embarrassed here on TAM. You should see the things people admit to here. Plus you are “Anonymous” 



AnonymousWife said:


> *cook


Do as little cooking for him as possible. I get that if you cook for yourself and the kids, then it’s a bit hard to say he cannot eat some. But things like breakfast and lunch. Let him make his own.


AnonymousWife said:


> *make his dinner plate, sometimes other meals as well.


Does he eat his meals at his computer? Or does he eat with all of you as a family?
Stop making his plate. You are not his servant. He can get up and get his own food. In my house everyone gets their own dish and fills … the food is either on the stove keeping warm or out on the counter like a buffet. Sure you make a plate for children. But adults do that for themselves. You might want to change to this way of serving food. It can help your children learn little things too.


AnonymousWife said:


> *laundry


Stop doing his laundry. He can do his own. He’s a big boy.

Just as a suggestion. What I did was to teach my son and step children how to do their own laundry at age 10. From that point on they were responsible for washing their own clothing, sheets, towels, etc. So my deadbeat husband had to do the same thing the kids did. He had to do his own laundry. 

If he wants clean clothing, then he can be a big boy and do the laundry. 


AnonymousWife said:


> *pay for higher meg internet


Drop the internet. I have high speed internet. I have high speed internet. Do not do anything that helps him use his computer for entertainment. If you need the internet for things like Netflix (etc), kids for school, etc you might need to get a bit more creative on how to cut him off. Like have someone help you setup password protected access and do not give him the password.


AnonymousWife said:


> *has unlimited access to our debit account (which he mostly uses for his gaming)


Put an end to this now. Take his access away. If he wants anything let him work to earn the money to get it. You provide nothing but the roof over his head, food and the very basic needs for clothing… and goodwill is a good place to let him to shopping at. 
Let him live at the level that he is providing for himself.


AnonymousWife said:


> *order his meds at the pharmacy and picks them up





AnonymousWife said:


> *fill his med box weekly


I would continue to do this as long as you are still trying to fix your marriage. This is essential for right now.


AnonymousWife said:


> *buy all of his essential needs


Stop that. Do not buy anything for him that is extra. If he needs something let him get himself to the store. He can take cash and he can buy it himself. Just stop it.
I believe that you are also doing all the housework, yard work if there is any, etc? Anything that is his do not do. Like if he leaves clothing on the floor or things lying about do not put them in their place. Instead have one of plastic totes. Just put all of his stuff in the tote. Let him put it away. If he does not put it way within say one month, it goes to charity.



AnonymousWife said:


> He told me 2 days ago that he lost his attraction too me. I basically had to pull it out of him though so I'm not sure if he was just saying things bc he was angry. I have felt like he was no longer attracted to me based off his actions, it was never admitted.


I don’t think he was just saying it. He’s clearly not operating as an adult. So him losing attraction is pretty predictable. If tomorrow his suddenly became whole again.. he could get that attraction back. But he has a long road to becoming whole, if it ever happens.



AnonymousWife said:


> He's has worked so many jobs. He never has kept a job for more than a few months. I just gave up on requesting that he have a job.


You two married young. A lot of mental illness does not show up until after the teen years. His inability to keep a job could be caused by the mental illness. That would make sense. However with meds and good therapy he can become productive (as long as he is not having psychotic evens often). 

One of my sisters helps people with physical and mental disabilities get jobs and then teaches them how to keep the jobs. It’s completely possible to get him functional at some level. It could be a low level, or he might actually be able to become very functional. Some of her clients have PHD’s and then something happened and they slipped into some mental illness. She (and those she works with) have gotten these guys back to work. A lot is known now on how to help people get functional again and how to deal with their mental illnesses.

The one thing that tells me that your husband is not just dealing with a mental illness is that he’s completely non-functional in the household. Oh he can play computer games. He’s very functional in that aspect. But he does not want to function outside of that. Shoot its work to do that. And why would he since you do everything for him.

If he was able to keep the house hold up, do the cooking, cleaning, shopping then we’d know that at least he was trying. But he’s not. This is where your enabling him comes in. If he lived by himself, guess what? He’d cook his own meals. He’d do his own laundry. There is no reason that he cannot be doing that now in your home.

The more info that comes out, the more I think that you need to talk to his therapist and tell the therapist what’s going on. He’s not going to do that. And YOU need to be in some kind of therapy that too. It would be best if the two of you saw therapists in the same office or who could do some collaborating. If they know the entire story and both people then can help a lot.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AnonymousWife,

There was a point at which I took by ex to see a psychiatrist. I had to make the appointment, take him and of course pay for it.

Both of us talked to the psychiatrist. First my then husband talked and made things sound pretty mild.

Then I talked and told the rest of the story. My h confirmed that what I was saying was true.

The psychiatrist told him that he could understand why my husband was married to me.

But then he looked at me and said *"But I do not understand why you are married to him."*

Let that sink in. You are in the same place I was.

The psychiatrist also told my husband that while he did have some mental health issues, there was nothing in the mental health issues that explained why he spent every waking hour playing computer games and did nothing at all for the household or for his own children, NOTHING. The psychiatrist told my husband that what he was doing was a form of very serious emotional abuse. It was a way to gain complete control of me. Abuse is about control. 

Look at yourself and your life. How much control do you have and how much does your husband have? I'd say that he has almost 100% control. You are running around doing everything thing for him while he gives you nothing back. Your husband is abusing you. He is not so sick that he cannot do everything in running the home.. how do I know? He plays computer games and manages everything related to that.

My H had developed OCD from the computer games. But that can was not what caused the computer game addiction. The excessive game playing caused the OCD. And it is completely fixable. All he has to do is to stop the games.


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## AnonymousWife (Apr 30, 2015)

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have taken some time to really reflect on everything. The past couple days, I have took Mr. Fisty's advice and kept my emotional distance. It's really helped me alot! I've been in a better mood and my mind is clearer. I noticed lastnight and today that H was alittle more open. He came to me to talk, not alot but more than most days. Ele, you've gave some amazing advice! I'm working on getting that started. Everything I've done throughout my day, I've paid attention to. Seeing where and what I do for him. He's going to get a SERIOUS wake up call when all this stuff just stops! Anon Pink, you're right. What am I really teaching my children about marriage? It doesn't look good at all. But at the end of our journey, whether it be we managed to work it all out or go our separate ways. I'm teaching them to try to not give up on the ones you love most. When things get tough, I'm not running, I'm staying to fight. It may not work out, I don't know that yet. But for right now, it would crush them if we separated. I feel like it would cause more harm than good. I AM doing what's best for my family. May not be what others think is best but it's what works for us.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like you are in a much better place today. That's good. I hope it works out in a way that is best for all of you.

Just remember that we are all here if you need to talk more.


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## icemans.insights (May 5, 2015)

I like the advice about "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters." Saw the author and his wife at a seminar a few years back. Very good material. 

However, your husband doesn't seem engaged or invested in bettering his life or his marriage. 

I would agree that you've enabled the situation and now you're in a real dysfunctional place and it's hard to dig yourself out. 

It sounds like your hubby may have replaced a physical and intimate real-life relationship with porn. And given his selfishness in the bedroom it appears he cares little about anything or anybody but himself. 

The other thing I've seen as someone who has dealt with many individuals labeled as having some type of mental illness, but are functionally fine is that they fall into a self-pity / self-fulfilled daily lifestyle because they believe they have an excuse to justify not working, staying in bed all day, not caring for anyone other than themselves, and being self-absorbed. 

Clearly there are mentally ill individuals who are not functional, but from what you're describing this is not your husband.


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Is your husband going through a mid-life crisis? I felt that way too...

Sometimes the lack of sex can also lead to mental illness, rather than the other way round...


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I think we are married to the same man!

Stop doing things for him! Stop doing his laundry, cooking him breakfast Etc. He is a grown man he can fend for him self. If he can't he better well learn! 

A marriage is WE, US, not me, me, me. It's not what's best for me, it should be what's best for us!

Your husband is a very self centered and selfish person. Just like mine!

I know exactly what you are saying about crushing the kids if you separate. I know it is not an easy decision, but you also can't live the way you are now. Kids are not stupid. They pick up on things you wouldn't even imagine. They may not fully understand, but they know something is going on.. They feel it. I know my kids do.

I have allowed my husband to walk all over me for years. To afraid to speak up for my self. I avoid conflict like the plague and used to walk on egg shells because of it. Everyone that knows me will tell you I am to nice, and they are absolutely right! I am working on it. The only person I can fix is ME. =) It's a work in progress. I am getting better at speaking my mind when things bother me, instead of putting it away to blow up later.

I have stopped making my husband breakfast every morning, before he leaves for work. He complains about it too, but he won't make it for himself. He'd rather just complain about it instead of doing anything for himself, god forbid. 

I'm tired. I am taking care of 2 children on my own and a grown man, who refuses to help me with anything. Wether it being me needing help with kids, or dishes or taking out the garbage. He says "I don't know why YOU can't get everything done, in 8 hours" 

Anyway if you need to talk or vent you can PM me. I know exactly how you feel and you are not alone and you shouldn't feel alone.


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