# Shared custody question??



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

My ex and I have somewhat of a shared custody agreement. Part of the agreement is that he has the kids every Friday after school until Sunday at 12:00pm. Previously, I have allowed him to come to my house and pick up their "stuff" for the weekend, and I'm usually not here (stuffies, certain toys etc.). I know that there should be another way to get their things without coming to the house, really, I don't think I'm setting good boundaries etc. I just don't feel comfortable with him entering my home when I'm not there.

What do others in a similar sitch do? should I pack their things and have them bring it to their school on Fridays?? I worry they may get stolen, especially if my daughter brings her barbies.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

When she was still in before and after-school care the bag was placed in the daycare office and it had her name tag on it. He would take her to school on Monday and leave the bag at daycare again.

When she turned 12 and no long could attend daycare, she left her bag in the office and the staff was aware. That way she only had to take her bag into the building and to the office to drop it off before heading to her class.

Then she did gymnastics on Friday nights so I would take it by there and leave it at the gym for him so she didn't have to carry it to school. Now that she's in high school she has learned to keep it light and she carries her overnight bag with her always but I have suggested she leave it in the office again.

If you are worried you could get a small lock - her duffel actually has a zipper lok that folds over and you can fit a small padlock through it. You can have a key and give your ex a key.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Thanks for the tips, I thought of asking her before care staff if I could leave it in the office, so I will do that, and if the ex wants to bring their bikes, I will leave them in the driveway.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

One thing that really helps is for both of you to have everything your child needs at each home. 

Your children should not be packing clothing, inexpensive sports & hobby stuff, toys, toothpaste, toothbrushes etc. to go between your homes.

For things like school books, and extremely expensive sports equipment that will probably have to move between the homes.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> One thing that really helps is for both of you to have everything your child needs at each home.
> 
> Your children should not be packing clothing, inexpensive sports & hobby stuff, toys, toothpaste, toothbrushes etc. to go between your homes.
> 
> For things like school books, and extremely expensive sports equipment that will probably have to move between the homes.


I totally understand what you're saying, I've said the same thing to my ex several times, but he does not want to buy them anything for his house even though he's living with someone and they have two incomes, he just doesn't feel like he should have to. At one point he said he would pay for half of their school clothes, but then said he wanted half the clothes at his place...wtf? they are only there on the weekends and some holidays. So I said "no, I'll buy the clothes, and you buy the clothes you want at your house". They have special stuffies they bring with them, but, I'll have to aske them to pick a couple, and that would be it. I gave him one of my son's bikes for his place, he didn't even have to buy one.

It's frustrating sometimes, I feel my privace is invaded every time he comes into my home when I'm not there, and yet I would never do that to him....blah


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you divorced or separated without any kind of legal agreement?

You are going to have to play hardball here. 

Use email to communicate with him. That way you have a record. Plus you can think through your responses before sending them. Email him to tell him what you are going to do from here on out. 
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Dear What’s His Name, 
I am no longer comfortable with you coming into my home when I am not here. Think of it this way, you have not provided me a key to your house. Why would you? I get to have the same privacy. So I have changed the locks on my house. 

The only reason you have now for coming into my home is to pick up things for the children to take to your house. So this will need to be minimized.

It is normal practice when children live between two homes for them to have the things they need at each home. You need to provide clothing, toiletries, books, toys etc. for the children when they are with you.

The only items that our children should need to carry between the two homes are their special stuffies and school books and maybe some favorite item that they themselves chose to carry around. These items will go to school (or day care) with the children in their back packs.

If you disagree with this I am willing to attend family counseling with you to negotiate on this issue.

Please respond to this via email as I would like to avoid any conflicts when we are in person with the children around. 
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There are some good books that talk about this very subject. Would he even read one of them?


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