# Need help regarding double life



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I'll try and keep this short as possible and for it not to sound like one of those rubbish stories in magazines...but its not easy

Basically after lockdown I got together with my sister and BIL (not married but have lived together for 22 years). BIL is a huge bragger and likes to talk about himself ad naseum. He was essentially bigging himself up regarding his work and money so much so that I thought he was lying (have always thought he was a pathalogical liar). I checked his company on uk government website turns out he was lying and his business is tanking and in huge debt. None of my business other than I noticed the secretary of his company is his ex wife. Found that odd so something told me to google her name and it took me straight to her FB page which is full of pictures of BIL and "ex wife" playing happy families.

Told my sister straight away, BIL confessed to everything. He has been living a double life for 22 years, living with 2 women. He managed to pull this off because he is the most manipulative person in the world but also he works away much of the week.. (Apparently, but no longer know whats the truth with this guy). Worst still he persuaded her to put her savings into a joint account which when checked had been wiped out. He says he used it to prop up failing business. He has returned half of it but seems to have now stopped depositing money back into the account. I have also found out this guy has very dishonest/dodgy business practices where things are in different names and addresses. 

After the initial explosion, he has now persauded my sister to get back together. He claims that TEXT messages are proof that he has ended relationship with woman#1. He is now proposing marriage to woman#2, promising her everything (new house, travelling etc). Money has now stopped coming back in, I am convinced he is conning her and lying. Have caught him out lying since regarding info about woman#1 where FB posts prove opposite to what he is saying. My sister is driving me insane as she won't listen to a word I am saying. He is now trying to isolate her from her family and friends (we basically know too much). Within the space of 2 weeks he persuaded my sister that he is the victim and very much misunderstood (think childhood abuse, too devoted to his children, caring for mentally ill woman#1, he is suicidal yada yada). 

Firstly how can I prove that he is lying about finishing the relationship with woman#1?. Secondly, should I tell woman#1 the whole story regarding his double life or mind my own business?

Feeling like I'm losing my sister and best friend over this...😥


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

If the not-so-ex wife doesn't know about this then YES she absolutely needs to know. That will surely blow up his world. That may also be enough for your sister to pull her head out of the sand.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Yes, it would be good if Wife 1 knew. Also, it being a relative, I'd either trust her to do the right thing, or if she's too big a fool, I'd also probably be letting the tax collectors know about him and his dodgy business, though it might do no good. If your sister has a brain in her head, she will take her money and run from this guy, but chances are he picked her and the other one for their tendency to keep blinders on and not sqwak.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Absolutely you should tell women number 1 the whole sort affair, this will be the only way to get your sister out of this...i am honestly speechless how a man can live two separate lives for this long...that is crazy. 
your own concern right now is your sister, what blows up between him and his other life is up to him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Yes, inform the other woman with as much corroborating evidence as you can. 

Then blow the whistle to whatever regulatory agency governs his business. 

But then hand your sister tissues and pat her on the back saying, "there there" then she is crying about how he keeps hurting her all the time. 

You can't protect her from herself or protect her from her own stupid decisions. If she keeps taking him back and keeps staying with him, that is on her and nothing you can do about it.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Ok. Thanks. How should I do it - via Fb message? She lives in another town so couldn't just turn up on her doorstep. I have a few photos as evidence of sisters relationship but nothing that couldn't be explained away.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Also not gonna lie...I'm a bit scared of him tbh.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Definitely tell the other woman. She probably doesn't have a clue. I wonder what he'll choose then...what a "compromising position" he'll be in then. Your sister needs to not get back with him, at all. Even if you have to show her these posts!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@peacem Report him to the authorities Reporting misconduct by companies, directors and bankrupts to the Insolvency Service


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

You need to do what you can to 'out' this guy and save your sister.

What exactly do you mean when you say you fear this sleezeball? If you think he is dangerous, speak to the local police about the situation.

Most importantly, be there for your sister when her world collapses around her.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

ah_sorandy said:


> You need to do what you can to 'out' this guy and save your sister.
> 
> What exactly do you mean when you say you fear this sleezeball? If you think he is dangerous, speak to the local police about the situation.
> 
> Most importantly, be there for your sister when her world collapses around her.


He's not violent or anything like that but he's just a weirdo. I think he's a sociopath. Its just that you wonder what else is going on with someone who is capable of all this. Sister says he has never been abusive in any other way.....apart from some gaslighting.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

peacem said:


> I'll try and keep this short as possible and for it not to sound like one of those rubbish stories in magazines...but its not easy
> 
> Basically after lockdown I got together with my sister and BIL (not married but have lived together for 22 years). BIL is a huge bragger and likes to talk about himself ad naseum. He was essentially bigging himself up regarding his work and money so much so that I thought he was lying (have always thought he was a pathalogical liar). I checked his company on uk government website turns out he was lying and his business is tanking and in huge debt. None of my business other than I noticed the secretary of his company is his ex wife. Found that odd so something told me to google her name and it took me straight to her FB page which is full of pictures of BIL and "ex wife" playing happy families.
> 
> ...


It's HIS job to prove to your sister he's not lying and her job to stay neutral until he does. Don't take on the responsibility for something he's supposed to do the heavy lifting with. In the meantime assume with 99.9% certainty that when his lips move, he's lying. A double lifestyle with 22 years of deceit and gas lighting doesn't stop on a dime. By the way, your sister will need to see someone (IC) to come to terms with the fact that 22 years of her life has been a lie. 

Your sister's conditions for even CONSIDERING reconciliation is her having to complete the counseling she'll need to from being traumatized from this revelation. Second requirement is her husband calling the suicide hotline and following up immediately with a mental health professional for his suicidal thoughts, since she can't possibly plan a life with someone incapable of overcoming their own personal flaws and the mere threat of him taking his life is further evidence he's not emotionally or mentally stable for her to consider anything.

Addressing and removing the suicide talk disarms his most threatening and powerful weapon which he had stashed in his back pocket and intended to use only when needed. He's so far from being safe for her it's not even funny, but that's his job to prove to her. If he asks how, then she says, you tell me. 

If he has no health insurance, he's screwed because in the time he's been knocking off his x-wife and others perhaps, is the time he should now be spending in the lobby and offices of mental health professionals, NONE of which should be marriage counselors, by the way. The issue isn't marriage. The issue is him. He will only be safe when he's humbled himself and can show it with actions for YEARS. Not promising to be honest.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

peacem said:


> He's not violent or anything like that but he's just a weirdo. I think he's a sociopath. Its just that you wonder what else is going on with someone who is capable of all this. Sister says he has never been abusive in any other way.....apart from some gaslighting.


He may very well be a sociopath...or at the very least, possibly a narcissist...


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

This is now your sister's problem. You can be there for her, but if she insists on being an idiot, you have to let her.

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I would assemble a packet of photos and whatever evidence you have and get with her face to face. 

Someone that would lead a double life for decades is probably a true sociopath and he is also a very accomplished lier and manipulator and will be skilled at covering his tracks. 

I wouldn't rely on contacting her via FB or any social media or email etc because he probably has all her accounts hacked and will find your messages before she does. 

Face to face is going to be your most secure and effective route.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

oh my, expose, expose, expose to everyone, then he cannot run and hide like the cockroach he is. His 'ex-wife' needs to know first. Does she have family? expose to them. The more people that knows then the less likely he can gaslight those close to him. You will probably need more than photographic evidence. might be an idea to get a PI to come up with a file on him first, with other forms of documentary evidence. How old are kids from the first marriage? If they are teenagers or older, they need to know also.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This behavior, these incidents are not isolated events.
No.

I think many, no, I know many men and women would like to live double lives, some as spies, with them being double agents.

Oh yes, with some being happily married, and also being that secret and suave cheater.

They made icing for a reason. Sweet, aromatic, erotic icing for that cake-filled life.

And cold icing for the betrayed, to sooth and to reduce the heartbreak and to reduce their heart swelling.

This, the aftermath soon to swallow, to swell, the mentally wrenching pain, soon to follow.


_The Typist-_


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

At this point, other than anonymously letting the ex wife know what's going on, IMO stay out of it. Let you sister know you are there if she needs you, but you can't control the decisions she makes. Your sister sounds like she might cut you out of her life instead of him, if you continue to cause problems between them.


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