# It's OVER :( How to tell the kids?



## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

Hubby moved out exactly one month ago today. He says he's been miserable for the past 4 years, is not coming back. We have a 5 year old and a 15 month old that I will have custody of, he's not fighting that. Any advice on what/how to tell the kids? Hubby wants to see them once a week at my house. I'm so scared of hurting the kids... but want to be as honest as possible and try to have a good relationship with their dad. I'm heartbroken, obviously... but need to get this right and be a good mom. Help.
Right now she thinks he is in another state training with work and can only come home each Sunday. I don't want to lie now that I know he's never coming back to live with us.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why doesn't he want more time with his children?


You tell her the truth. Daddy was not happy living with mommy so he moved out to a place of his own. He says he will come visit you once a week.

Then you will need to answer her 10,000 questions as truthfully as you can. Do not bad mouth her father to her and do not lie. Kids have great bs detectors.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why doesnt HE man up and tell her? He left, I think he owes her an explanation. And no more lying.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

No better you tell them instead of your stbxh. Then you can control the situation. My kids are much, much older but I found it important that I tell them and not him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I would say to be honest with them to. My STBXH was a jerk when we all sat down and talked to our kids at first but the second time, he was much better at it. It is hard with kids that age, but they would handle it better if you were truthful with them and let them know as honestly as you can without bad mouthing the father what is going on. Good luck .. that is never an easy conversation and hope it goes ok for you.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Well, I'd say it's too early for you to assume your husband is never coming back regardless of what he says. It's waaay too early for your daughter to think of this as a permanent thing. 

Your husband only left a month ago. A lot can transpire in the next few months. Give things some time. And my money would be on your husband not being able to keep away from children all that much.

I can understand you wanting to move on and perhaps even divorcing your husband as soon as possible, but I would not reflect the same level of rush/anxiety on the kids. They only have one dad and it's best for them to not know things that are perhaps short-lived (like Daddy's absence).


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Well, I'd say it's too early for you to assume your husband is never coming back regardless of what he says. It's waaay too early for your daughter to think of this as a permanent thing.
> 
> Your husband only left a month ago. A lot can transpire in the next few months. Give things some time. And my money would be on your husband not being able to keep away from children all that much.
> 
> I can understand you wanting to move on and perhaps even divorcing your husband as soon as possible, but I would not reflect the same level of rush/anxiety on the kids. They only have one dad and it's best for them to not know things that are perhaps short-lived (like Daddy's absence).


I wish that were the case, but he's already checked out and wants her to know why he hasn't been there. He only wants to see the kids one day a week plus a Sunday every other week. I don't want any of this, this is all him. But she is smart and starting to ask questions, and I want to be as honest as I can because I know in my heart that he's not coming back. He's already admitted to some new sexual preferences, and I don't want any part of that. I wish things were different.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Sparky70 said:


> I wish that were the case, but he's already checked out and wants her to know why he hasn't been there. He only wants to see the kids one day a week plus a Sunday every other week. I don't want any of this, this is all him. But she is smart and starting to ask questions, and I want to be as honest as I can because I know in my heart that he's not coming back. He's already admitted to some new sexual preferences, and I don't want any part of that. I wish things were different.


His new sexual preference is not relevant to his desire for his children. It only means your marriage is heading for divorce. 

He might be checked out of romance with you, but we don't know how checked out of fatherhood he is yet. It's only been a month.


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

synthetic said:


> His new sexual preference is not relevant to his desire for his children. It only means your marriage is heading for divorce.
> 
> He might be checked out of romance with you, but we don't know how checked out of fatherhood he is yet. It's only been a month.



He's the one urging to tell her, I'm just trying to be as honest as possible. He's checked out on Fatherhood as well. Only seeing your kids every other Sunday for 4 hours is not being present.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Sparky70 said:


> He's the one urging to tell her, I'm just trying to be as honest as possible. He's checked out on Fatherhood as well. Only seeing your kids every other Sunday for 4 hours is not being present.


I don't disagree with you. Honesty is a good thing, but your husband is not being honest about his true feelings and neither are you.

Both of you are in a state of relative shock/confusion. How honest could you be about your future plans while in such a state?

All I'm saying is, just because your husband says something, it doesn't make it true. Just because you think he's checked out of fatherhood, it doesn't mean he is. A month is not a long time.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You could tell the 5yr, that the two of you are not getting along and think some time apart will be better for everyone. Don't mention divorce unless the child does and be honest, say you don't know and its too soon to discuss that. Reassure both kids that both Mom and Dad love them and will always be their parents. Then wait to see if questions arise. 
Sorry your family is going through this. Mine were older when STBXH left.


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> You could tell the 5yr, that the two of you are not getting along and think some time apart will be better for everyone. Don't mention divorce unless the child does and be honest, say you don't know and its too soon to discuss that. Reassure both kids that both Mom and Dad love them and will always be their parents. Then wait to see if questions arise.
> Sorry your family is going through this. Mine were older when STBXH left.


We told my daughter on Sunday and it went better than I expected. Kids are amazing, resilient little creatures. Hubby was supposed to have memorized the script I have him but he came unprepared so I did most of the talking, but her immediate response was a long "Nooooooooooo!" and then started to fake cry. Not seeing him all week does make her miss him.... and she was sad, for about 3 minutes. We reassured her that we both love her.... no, daddy's house is smaller than ours and yes, he will still take you to karate. Bedtime was fine... woke up the next morning with her asking me, "Did Daddy sleep at his new house last night?" to which I said yes, but you'll see him on Tuesday. And since then... business as usual. 

I hated that he hurt her feelings, if even for a moment. I hate that my 15 month old boy will grow up without that male role model and I hate that he ruined my life as I knew it on that day he told me he was done. However, that being said... I do love my new life of no criticism and complaints, and a renewed sense of self. Now it's just me and my kids.... and it's a bonus if he wants to be involved.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

OMG that sounds so familiar. I insisted that we tell the kids together, but he didn't say a word. He just sat there.
My STBXH was horrible to live with, and when he finally moved out the whole house felt this weight lifted. I'm not saying its been easy, because it hasn't, but the constant stress of having to deal with him was gone. You get to build your life now. I really hope for your sake and the kids that he stays as involved in their lives, as he was before.
I went around the house and did all those little things he refused to do, painted, cleaned out closets, re-arranged furniture. It was very cathartic. Try it!


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> OMG that sounds so familiar. I insisted that we tell the kids together, but he didn't say a word. He just sat there.
> My STBXH was horrible to live with, and when he finally moved out the whole house felt this weight lifted. I'm not saying its been easy, because it hasn't, but the constant stress of having to deal with him was gone. You get to build your life now. I really hope for your sake and the kids that he stays as involved in their lives, as he was before.
> I went around the house and did all those little things he refused to do, painted, cleaned out closets, re-arranged furniture. It was very cathartic. Try it!


HAHA That's what I've been doing! Out with the the old, in with the new. My house has never looked better. And it's amazing how that feels! You are right, I'm a lot less stressed about that. Still lonely as all hell after the kids go to bed, but the future is starting to look brighter. I can't believe I was so unhappy and didn't realize it. Still, i would have worked on the marriage forever... but that's not what he wanted. So... onward and upward. Meeting with the attorney tomorrow to see how to proceed. He won't do a darn thing, so I guess it's up to me to protect the kids at all costs! I'm interested to see what the attorney says about support. I'm the breadwinner, but don't want to pay what he does pitch in. Crossing fingers I can stay in my house.


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