# New Job Offer...Except My Wife Cheated With A Guy Who Works at Company...



## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

It has been a while since posting, but I have a new issue come up. I am looking to make a career move to a great new company that is preferably Fortune 500. I have been applying to several companies on the Fortune list, where one in particular has expressed interest. However, I just realized my wife cheated on me with a guy who works at this same company at this very location about 11 months ago. If I take the job I wouldn't be working directly with him, but there is a significant chance that we would cross paths. The guy is pretentious and egotistical, and I am not saying this just because he touches a sore spot for me. That is just his character from both conversations I have had with him and those with my wife about him.

*Should I pass up a great employment opportunity over this? * 

My concern is I try to keep my work and personal life separate, but it may be hard if certain rumors or gossip begin to circulate in this company. This is especially since I would likely be the bud of any jokes given my wife _chose_ to step out with him and we are still together. Just the mention of such things in a workplace could stunt my growth/progression within that company as well.

*Am I putting too much thought into this?*

As a man, I already have to deal with the extreme embarrassment and feelings of disrespect over the past indiscretion which my wife and I have thus far worked through okay. At the same time in this economy I don't want to be foolish passing up a great opportunity into a _senior position_ that may not present itself elsewhere in this caliber of a company.

*Thoughts??*


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

If you saw this guy, and he goaded you, would you be able to keep your cool and not punch him?

I work in a grocery store, and I occasionally see guys in high school that bullied me. And some beat me up pretty bad. 
I have to bite my tongue to not go up and return the favor at work. Especially since high school, I joined a gym and have gained roughly 25 lbs. of muscle. But it is very tempting to knock them down a few notches. 

But they don't bait me. Would this guy bait you? 
And if he did, would HR take disciplinary action? 


But ignoring that fact, would you be able to move forward? 
I can't imagine the mind movies flashing through your head. They must be horrible. 
Now realize, you may (and he may make sure of this) see him everyday. How will your triggers go from there? Him and your wife. 


Also be curious about the workplace behavior of your fellow coworkers. 
For example, we got a new manager like 10 months ago at the store I work at. Found out, he dated an underling at his previous location. And people at my store know about it, and occasionally bring it up. 


I would say think long and hard. 
Because it is not just a matter of seeing him and holding your ground so you don't give him a black eye. 
It is a matter of thinking every part through.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I'd say, divorce her and take the job OR stay with her and reject the job. 

Maybe this guy even had some influence in helping you to get this offer. Did you "out" him to his place of employment? I doubt it. This may be his way of relieving his conscience and saying thanks for the good time and understanding. No hard feelings.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I'd say, divorce her and take the job OR stay with her and reject the job.
> 
> Maybe this guy even had some influence in helping you to get this offer. Did you "out" him to his place of employment? I doubt it. This may be his way of relieving his conscience and saying thanks for the good time and understanding. No hard feelings.


He said the guy was egotistical and pretentious. 
Now, I know I am only 21 (despite my username) but I don't see people like that changing. 
Once people show you who they are, or you hear it from multiple sources, I would say it is fairly safe to assume they are going to be that way till the day they die.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> He said the guy was egotistical and pretentious.
> Now, I know I am only 21 (despite my username) but I don't see people like that changing.
> Once people show you who they are, or you hear it from multiple sources, I would say it is fairly safe to assume they are going to be that way till the day they die.


So, you're agreeing with me? :scratchhead:

I know how old you are, young whipper snapper. hahaha just teasing. 

I know you're intelligent. I know you're not a push over. 

Quit qualifying yourself, by the way. You know what you want to say. Just say it. Okay, I'm off the soapbox. 

Please explain. Thanks.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I don't get it. He was sleeping with a married woman and you think you need to ***** foot around him and not do what you want to do regarding your career? You're worried about what people who would laugh at these so-called jokes about you, think about you? Their opinion matters to you? 

Let me tell you, an ability to focus on business be a little cut-throat, and stare people down when you know they're just trouble-makers and all fluff will get you far in life. If you don't have it then you probably don't belong in a 500 company. 

In other words, if you don't think you can swim, don't jump into the water. There's sharks in there, if you can handle sharks, go for a dip, heck, go surfing.

Sounds like fun to me.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> If you saw this guy, and he goaded you, would you be able to keep your cool and not punch him?
> 
> I work in a grocery store, and I occasionally see guys in high school that bullied me. And some beat me up pretty bad.
> I have to bite my tongue to not go up and return the favor at work. Especially since high school, I joined a gym and have gained roughly 25 lbs. of muscle. But it is very tempting to knock them down a few notches.
> ...


I am not easily angered, and very deliberate in my actions (usually). He would not be able to provoke me in any way. My concern is if he starts running his mouth, then it could poison the waters for my advancement in the company.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I'd say, divorce her and take the job OR stay with her and reject the job.
> 
> Maybe this guy even had some influence in helping you to get this offer. Did you "out" him to his place of employment? I doubt it. This may be his way of relieving his conscience and saying thanks for the good time and understanding. No hard feelings.


I do not like the idea of running from people. We are kind of in the same industry (technical, engineering, etc.) so what if he later moves to a company I am working at? Do you resign? That would be ridiculous.

I still love my wife and I believe that she *now* is faithful to me. I am not discarding my wife. At the same time, I don't want my pride to get in the way of sound judgment.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I don't get it. He was sleeping with a married woman and you think you need to ***** foot around him and not do what you want to do regarding your career? You're worried about what people who would laugh at these so-called jokes about you, think about you? Their opinion matters to you?
> 
> Let me tell you, an ability to focus on business be a little cut-throat, and stare people down when you know they're just trouble-makers and all fluff will get you far in life. If you don't have it then you probably don't belong in a 500 company.
> 
> ...


You know how men can be. If I am in a senior/lead/management position, or perhaps considered for advancement in that arena, I cannot be perceived as "weak". A colleague perceived as bedding your wife will kill your persona.

I can handle my own, but also I don't want my pride to get in the way of sound judgment.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I do not like the idea of running from people. We are kind of in the same industry (technical, engineering, etc.) so what if he later moves to a company I am working at? Do you resign? That would be ridiculous.
> 
> I still love my wife and I believe that she *now* is faithful to me. I am not discarding my wife. At the same time, I don't want my pride to get in the way of sound judgment.


What do you mean running? Do you think it's okay that he screwed your wife? All is forgiven? Sorry, either do him in legally or let him go. I think the weaker way is to take the job and then take the comments behind your back. That doesn't make you more of a man. Sometimes, you have to cut your losses and move on. You don't go back to the guys that screwed you over and buy them a beer and laugh with them. 

I think you are right about him moving to a company you work at. Do you resign? No, if that's not what you want. That's why I gave the OR scenario. You either take what she has dished out and maybe more with the xOM OR you get rid of her and work where you want. You can always hold your head up knowing you respected yourself. Seems a bit odd the way you are doing it. Whatever is good for you, though. 

I personally, don't think it will be easy. Good luck. You may well need it.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> What do you mean running? Do you think it's okay that he screwed your wife? All is forgiven? Sorry, either do him in legally or let him go. I think the weaker way is to take the job and then take the comments behind your back. That doesn't make you more of a man. Sometimes, you have to cut your losses and move on. You don't go back to the guys that screwed you over and buy them a beer and laugh with them.
> 
> I think you are right about him moving to a company you work at. Do you resign? No, if that's not what you want. That's why I gave the OR scenario. You either take what she has dished out and maybe more with the xOM OR you get rid of her and work where you want. You can always hold your head up knowing you respected yourself. Seems a bit odd the way you are doing it. Whatever is good for you, though.
> 
> I personally, don't think it will be easy. Good luck. You may well need it.


It is running away if I have a stellar opportunity and I do not take for fear of things that might be said behind my back.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

In this economy if this is a good solid job I would take it.

But I can understand you thinking long and hard about it.
Will you regret not taking this job?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

How is your marriage going these days? Would you say you are completely healed?

If you want to keep your marriage, I would say pass on the job. I would get that just being in close proximity to this guy could trigger all new anger and resentment which will poison your marriage. How do you put the affair behind you when you are always wondering what other people know and are they whispering about it?

I'm firmly in the "one strike and you're out" camp, but if you have reconciled you must tread lightly here. Does you wife know about this opportunity and that the OM works there? If so, what does she think?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Tough one mate... wouldn't it be nice to hire a hitman right about now? lol

Personally though I wouldn't take the job but that's just me, being able to work as a team is too important for me and I won't be able to do it with someone where there's bad blood. Also why I'm glad I can terminate anyone I want at my workplace.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I am not easily angered, and very deliberate in my actions (usually). He would not be able to provoke me in any way. My concern is if he starts running his mouth, then it could poison the waters for my advancement in the company.


Don't know about there,but here poisoning the workplace atmosphere is highly frowned upon and those affected have a means of recourse through the dept.of labor.You would think a Fortune 500 company would have some type of policy in place.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

TBT said:


> Don't know about there,but here poisoning the workplace atmosphere is highly frowned upon and those affected have a means of recourse through the dept.of labor.You would think a Fortune 500 company would have some type of policy in place.


This can be done, but it puts a target on your own back, as well. 

People decide to take or turn down job opportunities for all kinds of reasons. You can say a person is running for any number of reasons. 

Putting yourself in a position to take more abuse is not respecting yourself. Sorry, that's my opinion. You can take all kinds of crap at a job and never get anywhere. You just don't know what will happen. It's a crap shoot and giving someone the opportunity to make you look like a fool is just not a good choice, in my opinion. 

If you can learn to knock his comments down immediately and discredit him in most things he says, you may have a chance. You better be good at it or you could put your new job in jeopardy.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> How is your marriage going these days? Would you say you are completely healed?
> 
> If you want to keep your marriage, I would say pass on the job. I would get that just being in close proximity to this guy could trigger all new anger and resentment which will poison your marriage. How do you put the affair behind you when you are always wondering what other people know and are they whispering about it?
> 
> I'm firmly in the "one strike and you're out" camp, but if you have reconciled you must tread lightly here. Does you wife know about this opportunity and that the OM works there? If so, what does she think?


I brought it up with her and her initial reaction was to turn down the job, but is thinking more about it. She reassured me of her faithfulness, but expressed that she doesn't want me to be in that environment.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> It has been a while since posting, but I have a new issue come up. I am looking to make a career move to a great new company that is preferably Fortune 500. I have been applying to several companies on the Fortune list, where one in particular has expressed interest. However, I just realized my wife cheated on me with a guy who works at this same company at this very location about 11 months ago. If I take the job I wouldn't be working directly with him, but there is a significant chance that we would cross paths. The guy is pretentious and egotistical, and I am not saying this just because he touches a sore spot for me. That is just his character from both conversations I have had with him and those with my wife about him.
> 
> *Should I pass up a great employment opportunity over this? *
> 
> ...


I can't say I would trust my wife ever again and would not R anyway but if I did I would have to limit the triggers as much as possible. That said being around him would be a major trigger and would make the R all the harder
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

tom67 said:


> In this economy if this is a good solid job I would take it.
> 
> But I can understand you thinking long and hard about it.
> Will you regret not taking this job?


I can see myself regretting not taking the job if no other comparable offers present themselves.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Tough one mate... wouldn't it be nice to hire a hitman right about now? lol
> 
> Personally though I wouldn't take the job but that's just me, being able to work as a team is too important for me and I won't be able to do it with someone where there's bad blood. Also why I'm glad I can terminate anyone I want at my workplace.


Odds are we would not work on the same team, as we have different professional disciplines. I know the department he works in and it is different from my own. He does not even have the education to do the same line of work that I do for us to end up on the same team. However, we _may_ cross each other's path and/or see each other given we both have rather technical careers.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I can see myself regretting not taking the job if no other comparable offers present themselves.


If you are not working in his dept. and do not have to interact with him I would go for it.
More importantly, what does your wife think about this.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I can see myself regretting not taking the job if no other comparable offers present themselves.


Then make sure your wife understands that this is yet another consequence of what she did
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> You know how men can be. If I am in a senior/lead/management position, or perhaps considered for advancement in that arena, I cannot be perceived as "weak". *A colleague perceived as bedding your wife will kill your persona*.


I read all of your threads to understand your situation, gonna be brutally honest with you, I normally encourage users but in your case its gonna sound as if a just want to bash you for the fun of it, but that is not the case.

your marriage sounds awful, after reading all your threads, I don't understand why you are holding in to her:

- she had many male friends (and possible EA and at least one PA) whom she prefer to go and bond emotionally.
- she Trickled Truth you for long time about just being emotionally (in your last thread before this ones she had not accepted being physical with him, but for your comment you obviously found something later). 
- She did not show signs of real remorse towards you
- she keep witholding sex after her affair.
- you found yourself taking blame of all the problems to keep peace at home.
- for some of the threads (like the one related to the income) it seems that she don't respect you as husband.
- and now, in top of all that her stupid cheating beheaviour is messing with you professional career.

from my point of view you are just Rug Sweeping all your problems to preserve the status quo, this woman can easely still be in the affair, but underground and you totally unaware of it.

to answer honestly you can accept the job and you probably will have no problems other than your mental state (triggers, paranoia), if he runs his mouth you just have to report it with RH and they will give him a warning with professional consequences, big companies take personal problems seriously and more if it questions the ethical behaviour in senior positions employees.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

tom67 said:


> If you are not working in his dept. and do not have to interact with him I would go for it.
> More importantly, what does your wife think about this.


I brought it up with her and her initial reaction was to turn down the job, but is thinking more about it. She reassured me of her faithfulness, but expressed that she doesn't want me to be in that environment.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I brought it up with her and her initial reaction was to turn down the job, but is thinking more about it. She reassured me of her faithfulness, but expressed that she doesn't want me to be in that environment.


Do what's best for you.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

manticore said:


> I read all of your threads to understand your situation, gonna be brutally honest with you, I normally encourage users but in your case its gonna sound as if a just want to bash you for the fun of it, but that is not the case.
> 
> your marriage sounds awful, after reading all your threads, I don't understand why you are holding in to her:
> 
> ...


When I look at what most people write, one could make the judgment that their marriages are awful. One reason for that is what you read on here are typically the adversities in folks' relationships, but rarely the praise of their partners. Not saying we have the perfect marriage, because it is far from it and we've talked quite a few times about divorce, but I wouldn't be in it if it was not worth it. 

Since my other threads she certainly has been remorseful and has shown real signs of progress. I don't want to make this thread about my wife. I have decided to stay with my wife and so I am not going to second-guess that decision going forward unless she gives me reason to do so again.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Do what's best for you.


That's what this thread is about...I am trying to figure that out...


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## CaptainLOTO (Nov 6, 2013)

If it's a good job that can be a stepping stone into other opportunities, take it. 

The other guy may leave, or this may expose you to new opportunities that you don't currently have. Jobs aren't forever, if the environment turns out to be unhealthy for you, go find another job.

But if this looks like a good stepping stone, go for it.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> Since my other threads she certainly has been remorseful and has shown real signs of progress. I don't want to make this thread about my wife. I have decided to stay with my wife and so I am not going to second-guess that decision going forward unless she gives me reason to do so again.


If all what you say is true and your resolve is that strong then take the job. Normally, what have people undecided if they want R or not is not knowing if they will be able to deal with the pain and the triggers (they don't know if they will be strong enough to deal with it the rest of their lives), in your case that choice have already been taken.I

Is a fact that eventually you will run in to him, and even in some company events you will have to see him, but people educated and over 30's does not see a man screwing a married woman with kids as a conqueror or someone worth of admitration, they see it a scum bag that does not care in hurting little kids to have his fun and ego boost, unless he is inmature and surrounded by 20's somethings he is not going to be bragging about what he did with your wife, and if he does RH and company directors can have notification of it (between those top managment hard workers employees there are always BSs, that while working many hours for the sake of their family some scum bag was banging their wives, and they have no problems projecting their disdain with other POS that did the same).


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I don't know how your wired, but you could take the job, become very successful at it, and use opportunity and any leverage you might have to put pressure on OM until you hear his bones crack and see the marrow run out.

But that is just me. No one messes with my family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I don't know how your wired, but you could take the job, become very successful at it, and use opportunity and any leverage you might have to put pressure on OM until you hear his bones crack and see the marrow run out.
> 
> But that is just me. No one messes with my family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I in this economy I think you should take the job, unless something else comes to you that is better. 
Along the lines of the post above, have you had face-to-face interactions with him....did you say? Can he be physically intimidated by you. That can control some guy's bad attitudes and behaviors.

Perhaps a more important reason to take the offer is that if you end up leaving your wife you wouldn't want to look back on a missed professional opportunity for her sake.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I would not work there, even if the salary was exorbitant.
Or I would divorce husband and walk in like I own the place.

But no, don't work there.


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

What then if the affair flares again or you get divorced and they get back together and you watch it all from the vantage point.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I think that in 6 months you will hate working there, your self esteem will take a daily hit, and your love and respect for your wife will suffer.

What kind of dollar figure can you put on that?


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Believe me, I am trying to get in at several other companies. I am just at a level professionally that I can't take just any job without it being a big setback. If no other comparable opportunity presents without me taking advantage of this one, then I would have allowed my wife's indiscretions to marginalize my career. 

:scratchhead:

How could I not have resentment over that?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe he won't bother you? He may well be egotistical and pretentious but i'm not sure I'd come to that conclusion based on conversations with your wife. She has every reason to throw him under the bus. Sorry, just sayin'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Which is more important to you, the job or the health of your marriage? I wouldn't take it. For me to have to come in to a job and have to look a guy in the face that was with my wife behind my back...every day....nope. That will affect you on some level, it would have to.

Just curious, what is your wife's opinion about the job offer?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

How big is this company? I work in a Fortune 500 company that's so big that I haven't seen a quarter of the people in my own department and I've been here for three years. 

Your worst case scenario is that you bump in to the guy frequently. Your best case is that it happens rarely if at all. And I guess it depends on the company culture whether male managers are sharing their exploits. The only time I heard of it happening, the managers doing the drunk gossiping were overheard by a third party who also worked at the company, there was a lawsuit, the company settled, and the complainant kept his job!

So it could be a good job opportunity for you if you can keep your emotions in check on the hopefully rare occasions that you see this guy. 

Also, you are bound to encounter people at work that you don't like for other reasons - backstabbers, idiots, attention *****s, etc. Would you let them drive you away from a job you like?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> Believe me, I am trying to get in at several other companies. I am just at a level professionally that I can't take just any job without it being a big setback. If no other comparable opportunity presents without me taking advantage of this one, then I would have allowed my wife's indiscretions to marginalize my career.
> 
> :scratchhead:
> 
> How could I not have resentment over that?


Based on how she has treated your marriage, I think you are supposed to have a large amount of resentment for her anyway.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Take the job. And whenever you see the POSOM, don't talk to him-just SMILE at him, one of those big, s**t-eating grins. You'll drive him nuts!


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I am not easily angered, and very deliberate in my actions (usually). He would not be able to provoke me in any way. My concern is if he starts running his mouth, then it could poison the waters for my advancement in the company.


So let's say you walk into the break room, and he starts mouthing off to a buddy of his about how he was pounding this guy's wife, and let's say he begins describing the lady, and it sounds an awful lot like your wife. And he talks about what he did, and what he made her do, and says a few things that you don't remember your wife telling you about. 
What will you do then?

And yes, I am trying to provoke you. 
Because if you can't take a 21 year old on the internet making fun of you, you will handle the situation above much worse. 


As for ruining your career, how would he do that? By banging your wife and telling people?
How does your marital status impact your job?
I could see how it might make me, as a recruiter, question your abilities. To not only put in the work required, but also your resolve. Because if I knew about this, I would expect you to divorce your wife because I can't have you freaking out every second of the work day about your wife, and whether she is at home or work or whatever. 

But again, is that even going to happen?
Probably not. 

Wouldn't it be more likely to hurt his career? Because upper management will know that they got a guy that will sleep with a married woman. 
And if I was management and looking at who to promote, I would pass this guy over. Mainly because I wouldn't want him going to function to meet my wife, and possibly, find a new lady to try and sleep with.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Which is more important to you, the job or the health of your marriage? I wouldn't take it. For me to have to come in to a job and have to look a guy in the face that was with my wife behind my back...every day....nope. That will affect you on some level, it would have to.
> 
> Just curious, what is your wife's opinion about the job offer?


My wife thinks taking the job is a bad idea.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

VermisciousKnid said:


> How big is this company? I work in a Fortune 500 company that's so big that I haven't seen a quarter of the people in my own department and I've been here for three years.
> 
> Your worst case scenario is that you bump in to the guy frequently. Your best case is that it happens rarely if at all. And I guess it depends on the company culture whether male managers are sharing their exploits. The only time I heard of it happening, the managers doing the drunk gossiping were overheard by a third party who also worked at the company, there was a lawsuit, the company settled, and the complainant kept his job!
> 
> ...


The company employs 10's of thousands of people, and we have almost completely different line of work. My gut feeling is that I would see him quite rarely.


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> My wife thinks taking the job is a bad idea.


Is the affair over?


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?

not that you would need to keep an eye on him.
it may even cause you to obsess over him.
you might trigger when or if you saw him from time to time, IDK?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

IMO, if you run into this guy at this new job, it's going to trigger you unless your Mr Spock. It's a natural thing that if you see the guy that was having an affair with your wife that anger will build up and somebody besides the OM is going to feel the anger meaning your wife will be on the receiving end of it and that's why she's telling you not to take the job.

The sad part of this is that you might have a great opportunity to further your career and because your wife couldn't behave herself, you have to pay the price for it. 

It comes down to this, take it and run the risk of having to face this bum and taking the chance that he would be immature enough to rub it in your face or turn it down and sooner or later you'll be blaming your wife for it. 

You should have divorced her and eliminated the problem but you chose to stay and I really feel bad for you.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

I would not take the job, no matter what the pay grade was, you can thank your cheating wife for that ruined opportunity. If you run into this guy often or not is not going to matter. Even if you see him once a week or whatever, its going to be a trigger.


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