# Who Does the Relationship "Heavy Lifting" in Your Marriage?



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I continue to find myself remarkably unprepared and unqualified to handle the relationship challenges I encounter each day defending my marriage and my family. But I soldier on. My question to the forum is which partner does the majority of the relationship work in your marriage? Husband? Wife? An exactly fifty fifty split?

I dig though a lot of reading material trying to learn stuff and I continue to see comments from professionals like:

"In the early years of marriage, women are the relationship caretakers. They carefully monitor their relationships to make sure there is enough closeness and connection. If not, women will do what they can to try to fix things."

"She felt unfulfilled in the marriage and sought a different, more supportive and interactive relationship with her husband"

"Remember that during the early years of a marriage, the wife is typically the primary caretaker of the relationship"

Is this the typical way of things for everyone these days? Is this an outdated sex role stereotype like "the man is the provider"? If the woman is doing this work, where and how did she learn it? Women are obviously trained for occupations the same as men, can men learn relationship skills the same as women? What do men need to do to get these skills?


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## Jen's Husband (Nov 26, 2011)

Great topic. Well, one of my complaints regarding our marriage has been the fact that I've been the relationship caretaker when it comes down to it. My wife has always felt free to have fun and be irresponsible, while criticizing me for being a "stick in the mud." But I point out to her that given our problems we wouldn't have lasted if I hadn't been doing that basic relationship maintenance work all the time. I guess it might be sexist on my part, but I really feel like I've been more the stereotypical wife in our marriage while she's had fun and relied on me to keep us going.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I do.

I carry the load as far as maintaining our relationship.

I often wonder why.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Years 1-5 probably 60-40 me-him. The next 5 years probably 80-20 me-him, with it becoming 0-0 just before D day. Right after D day it was 0-100 me-him, and now it's settling down to around 40-60. It'll probably stay that way for another 6-12 months then get to 50-50.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

It is one of the things I feel a little guilt about...

When I reflect on it - honest to god I don't know what I would do without my wife. She does the heavy lifting with the kids, she does more than her share around the house (even though it usually looks like a bomb hit it), and I know she works at the relationship - maybe harder than I do - and asks for nothing in return really.

I do the 'guy stuff' on the house & in the yard... I generally cook every meal on weekends and do the grocery shopping, plus my own share of shuttling kids around and errands etc when I am home.

I leave for work around 7:30am and get home around 7:00PM, so she is generally getting the kids ready for school and dealing with them after.. helping with homework..not to mention working part time to boot. She is superwoman, no lie. 

She ensures things in the bedroom have been good for almost 25 years and makes sure to plan 'time for us' at least once in a while. Yeah, its not always peaches and cream - and we have our friction points... but the net result is nothing but good - and she gets much of the credit.

--

Women are wired differently. They are process oriented to a larger degree and she gets some of her gratification simply by being engaged in all of it and feeling that she is appreciated. When we were dating and she was in college, she used to bike 5 miles across town and leave home made cookies or banana bread on my car seat for me before I got up and headed off to work - know what I mean? Yeah, men and women both can all do these things - but its apples and oranges when you get right down to it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Lately, my husband and I have both been carrying the weight 

Before, it was only me. It's hard.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'd say we're about 60-40, me-him. 

I think we as women just do it because we're natural caregivers. We're nurturers. The gatherers. I read somewhere that something like 75-80% of caregivers for the elderly, or disabled are women as well.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

I feel like I have been trying to fix our marriage for over 20 years. I have to say I must suck at it because it is still broke. I do think he is working on it more than he ever has though.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Lately, my husband and I have both been carrying the weight
> 
> Before, it was only me. It's hard.


I don't think it's something you can do alone.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Too much nit picking will sound like I'm keeping score, so I'll just say that I feel like I put more into it than she does and leave it at that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Conrad said:


> I don't think it's something you can do alone.


Not for very long, anyway.

But I did.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

LimboGirl said:


> I feel like I have been trying to fix our marriage for over 20 years. I have to say I must suck at it because it is still broke. I do think he is working on it more than he ever has though.


I think there is always an imbalance. In the past it was always assumed that more of the work falls on the woman. I'm wondering if this is still true


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

A Bit Much said:


> I think we as women just do it because we're natural caregivers. We're nurturers. The gatherers.


That would be my initial thought. So what can men do to make up their natural deficit? If the responsibility falls on a mans shoulders, how does he make himself the caregiver, nurturer, gatherer?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I'd say we're about 60-40, me-him.
> 
> I think we as women just do it because we're natural caregivers. We're nurturers. The gatherers. I read somewhere that something like 75-80% of caregivers for the elderly, or disabled are women as well.


:iagree: Women have always been socialized to look after others.

I am the kinkeeper who calls my in laws and arranges our monthly visit to my parents. I also select cards and gifts for my nieces. 

Before he married me, my husband rarely visited health professionals. I am the one who makes sure he visits the optometrist and reminds him to make appointments with our family doctor. When my husband told me he wanted a vasectomy, I shopped around for clinics and did research on the procedure. I also make sure he eats healthy meals.

My husband supports both of us financially and keeps things romantic between us. He sends me sexy emails and says "I love you" more than twice a week. I was grieving and stressed out recently, so my hubby brought home flowers as a surprise. Yesterday, my husband pulled me into his lap and made out with me for twenty minutes. :smthumbup:

I can be too serious, so my husband is also the comedian. He loves to tease me and make me laugh. He wishes that I would smile more often and relax.

I would say the marriage is 55/45 him-me. That will shift slightly once I finish school and can contribute more financially to the relationship. It is one of the main reasons I am returning to college.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> That would be my initial thought. So what can men do to make up their natural deficit? If the responsibility falls on a mans shoulders, how does he make himself the caregiver, nurturer, gatherer?



First thing that comes to mind is ask what you can do. I've been in too many relationships where the guy was all too happy to be flopping on the couch watching the show rather than saying "hey do you need help with that?" And women we have to learn to ask for the help. We're just as guilty of feeling like we HAVE to do everything. In my experience the men in my life got too comfortable and just stopped trying, didn't bother to ask, didn't seem interested. I'm a firm believer in the 'What you did to get me, you still need to do to keep me' idea. This goes both ways of course, but for whatever reason, the guys I was with always conked out and gave up long before I did or would want to.

My husband is a very conscientious person, but at his core he's also very selfish. He's had to work really hard at thinking of others first, and considering me in his decisions in our marriage. I partly blame how he was raised (baby of 5 but his next older sibling is 15 years older so he was raised like an only child), and the fact that he was a single bachelor for a good 5 years or so before he met me. I on the other hand am the eldest of 3 and the only girl. I'm only 3 years apart from my next sibling, so I had to share every thing from an early age. The art of compromise (even if I had to give more) was learned very young.  

My husband learned how to be more thoughtful from the experience of divorce. In his first marriage he found himself doing the heavy lifting 80% of the time but getting nowhere. He admits to being a complete jerk before his first marriage, and the split taught him a whole lot about himself. Experience is a great teacher, and thankfully I get the spoils of those lessons. A good part of the time he and I are really in sync. 55-45 even. Because of his profession I realize I have to do a little more and I'm okay with that. He more than makes up for his deficits when I need him to. :smthumbup:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Is this the typical way of things for everyone these days? Is this an outdated sex role stereotype like "the man is the provider"? If the woman is doing this work, where and how did she learn it? Women are obviously trained for occupations the same as men, can men learn relationship skills the same as women? What do men need to do to get these skills?


 The stereotypes are not always true..... In our marriage of 22 yrs..... I will admit I have always been the more selfish of the 2 of us..... HE gave more emotionally / affectionately (or tried) and he wanted more sex ....... I was off wrapped into our kids (had 5 in our 30's) and/or pushing for some project we needed to get done, I was always planning things (too busy minded), talking on the phone to my friends - even when he would come home from work, he felt on the back burner somehow, never really seemed to get upset with me though, but internally he felt less loved. 

I was never neglectful of things that needed done around the house, or helping him do these projects that kept us so occupied...we were still together almost always , but yet I was not there in the fun carefree more emotionally attached affectionatey intuned sense that I am NOW......I just wasn't taking the time to "smell the roses" in the past of what was right in front of us.....to just enjoy US in more fullness. 

I was taking my husband for granted...

I just asked him this question, he said it as 95/10 (he was kidding) .....but really something like him 60/ I was about 40 (emotionally, affectionately and sexually in comparison) to what he would have wanted anyway. 

I have wised up in the past 3 years -now we are on the same page...he agrees it's now .... 50/50 .


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

We both do. My husband and I work very well as a team/couple. We both put equal efforts into our marriage. It helps that we have fabulous communication and 100% transparency.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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