# Sigh....



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

So despite asking and telling and reminding of my needs outside of the bedroom to get ready for the bedroom... my husband again today says he wants some... so I grab the lube, lube him up and let him have his way, even in a postion in which unless really worked up I don't get off... he hurt me a little bit but I know he likes the position... I told him before hand, when he said do you have a few minutes, I said do you have more time than that (at that point in time knowing he really didn't) but he says what do you mean. I said time, like some time ahead of it, for me... he says sure, later. Okay I think and so I give in... I'm not wanting to deny him, but I feel like he is taking advantage. 
For instance, later I mention the kids (who are tired from a first day back at school from a long weekend) are going to bed early and he says, yeah, I gotta cuddle with your mom... before he leaves... but it was the way he said it, I don't even think he realized he came across in a mocking way (or if he was trying to be funny, or let me know bluntly he is going to make time for me) irregarless I definitely took it he will say the wrong way. 
Since my last post regarding this issue he gave me a massge one night.. that has been the gist of his romantic gestures. I just can't help but wonder if the years of not being on gthe same wavelength (him HD, my LD once a week to once every two weeks) or if it is just because he is a stay at home dad and as a friend said (just needs sex to feel manly)??? But I feel like it's so absolutely "just sex" at this point 8 times out of ten. If I want to get off, I have to do the work in my head, take the lead, etc. (Although he will try oral... he barely touches me with his hands down there, and although he is obsessed with my breasts after breast feeding two children it just doesn't turn me on like it did before I had kids- used to be my wild spot). I am so frustrated I don't know how many more ways to communicate that my needs are different than his sexually? Or is it just that the effort wears off in time? 
Anyone been in a similar situation when the drive evens out and one person still feels left out... and the worst for me, is like this afternoon I totally faked being into it, because if I'm not into it, he takes it personal, tells me it is pointless because he doesn't want what many of you on here call "pity sex" he called it something elseail before but my thing is what is the difference between that and asking for a quick blowjob. Never will my drive match his (he could go daily- I try to at least keep him satisfied, understand his need for release and actively participate so it is enjoyable for him).... 
Any other suggestions as to how to address this with him??? 

The last time, I wrote him an email so he could read it when he got home from a civic meeting... he read wrote back that yes, I have improved a lot and that he was lacking, and would try better... this was a week or so ago... 

Please note in your post if you have been through something similar and are offering advice based on experience or just offering advice, it will help me a lot. Thank you!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It really sounds like you are both poor communicators on this issue (a common problem), and that he is a selfish lover (another common problem).

Sorry, no advice...just reflecting on what you are saying. For instance these 3 statements show the poor communication I am seeing:

"Okay I think and so I give in... I'm not wanting to deny him, but I feel like he is taking advantage."

You communicated to him by having sex with him that you were into it, and by your "faking", yet you actually resent him for taking advantage because you are NOT into it.

"I am so frustrated I don't know how many more ways to communicate that my needs are different than his sexually?"

Given the poor communication I showed you above, can you see how maybe you are giving mixed messages?

"and the worst for me, is like this afternoon I totally faked being into it, because if I'm not into it, he takes it personal, tells me it is pointless because he doesn't want what many of you on here call "pity sex" he called it something elseail before but my thing is what is the difference between that and asking for a quick blowjob."

Again, I get your point, and it is easy to see how you would feel he is being a selfish lover (that much seems obvious)...but how do you really expect him to know this if you are faking it, and then having sex full of resentment with him?


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

I've been in something like this. My husband has a hard time connecting physically. Even holding hands was weird and he'd insult me if I tried. Like I'd touch his arm and he say something cruel on response.

Sexually I just do the work in my mind... He's Soo lazy I'm normally on top til I climax then flip over and he does his.. Ehhh boring.

I feel you're pain. If you figure this out I'm dying to know how to get my man to be more touchy feely... He jut suggested separate beds a few nights ago (clearly I'm too warm to sleep by)... Things like that annoy me.. Of course his sly comment about how couples are not meant to sleep in the same bed after sex and that monogamy is something forced by the church gets in my nerves too..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> It really sounds like you are both poor communicators on this issue (a common problem), and that he is a selfish lover (another common problem).
> 
> Sorry, no advice...just reflecting on what you are saying. For instance these 3 statements show the poor communication I am seeing:
> 
> ...


I didn't fake getting off... just being into it... because if I don't that is way worse... it's the beginning of a fight I don't want to have, because he says why do it if you don't want to, and I have in the past let him know, it was just for him, and he seems put off by that... so it's better for me to keep him happy by "being into it" however, I dont ever fake orgasm, and he is fully aware when I do and do not get off. I see your point about mixed messages, and him being a selfish lover to an extent (he is selfish in wanting his sexual needs met with a higher frequency then I am typically into and I am compromising while adjusting to figuring out my own needs without him suffering) At least that is how I look at it. I wanted to add, I love my husband and DO NOT want to lose him over lack of sex, or have him have an affair, or even simply be in a bad mood because I turned him down.... we've been down that road before.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

been there, got the tee shirt, used it to clean up dog vomit!

Step back. You two are trying to get things right and that means you both stop doing things wrong. he has to step up, every effing time. he has to put some effort into romance and if he can't, won't forgets, then you tell him so.

"You got a few minutes....?"

"Um, yes. But not for sex, because it takes me a lot longer than a few minutes so...?"

His intent is clear, he wants sex.
Your answer is clear. You are amendable to having sex, but not expressly so he can get off, because that IS pity sex! okay, yes I'll spread my legs because you want to get off! That is pity sex!


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

KimatraAKM said:


> I've been in something like this. My husband has a hard time connecting physically. Even holding hands was weird and he'd insult me if I tried. Like I'd touch his arm and he say something cruel on response.
> 
> Sexually I just do the work in my mind... He's Soo lazy I'm normally on top til I climax then flip over and he does his.. Ehhh boring.
> 
> ...


  I can sometimes get him to be more affectionate but I feel l initiate the affection most times, I will ask for a hug or ask for a kiss... sucks, I want it to be more spontaneous. That sucks you and your hubs are in the same boat... I can get off, don't usually have an issue with that, but like you, I have to do the work (if he can last long enough)


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

have you and your H done the emotional need questionnaire from Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice 

men don't get training on how to woo a wife. That is the wife's job. Start teaching him what you want by insisting he give it.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

My husband only lasts a long time cause he wears a Condom... Heh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry, your going to have to be very blunt with him. We men are very thick. It takes a baseball bat to the skull to get what women are saying. You sound like an awesome wife, but if he doesn't listen to what you are saying, he's going to be here crying about getting the ilybnilwy speech. Just my opinion. Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Thound said:


> Sorry, your going to have to be very blunt with him. We men are very thick. It takes a baseball bat to the skull to get what women are saying. You sound like an awesome wife, but if he doesn't listen to what you are saying, he's going to be here crying about getting the ilybnilwy speech. Just my opinion. Good luck.


Truth! At least the "men are thick headed and in need of a baseball bat to the head" part.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Sorry no experience but wanted to chime in. Why aren't you denying him when he is denying YOU? Why is your role as a wife to satisfy him but it's not his duty as a husband. I can honestly say I would not want to have sex with this man until he changed his selfish childish ways. There are so many good men who would jump at the chance to please their wives.

I really feel for you. Huge hugs


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"I didn't fake getting off... just being into it... because if I don't that is way worse... it's the beginning of a fight I don't want to have, because he says why do it if you don't want to, and I have in the past let him know, it was just for him, and he seems put off by that... so it's better for me to keep him happy by "being into it"."


It most certainly isn't better for you, because by living this way, you are getting the results of that right now.

It might be easier for you, because you fear the difficult communication that will have to occur. But easier isn't better in a case like this.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I would like to add the question to men.... if you are in a relationship recovering from a previous bought of LD/HD (still not having your desire fulfilled 100% but compromised) how do you find a balance with your partner on sex for both versus sex just for you? Do you appreciate sex just for you? I think my husband appreciates it because I "get into it" but he doesn't appreciate that I don't get off every time.... How does your wife communicate her needs to you? Hae you struggled with the balance. I think I went so long in the "arguing" from the LD/HD I didn't realize what my own needs were until after the past year in giving freely, many times getting into it and getting off and realizing the benefit of him being happier just in life in general... but now i am in this predicament of not having my own needs met, vocalizing them several times... don't exactly want to tell him specifics of what to do or say... because it seems to me it takes the work out of it. I had to work to meet him over halfway on his drive, I feel like he should have to do some work to meet me on my needs outside the bedroom (and inside) to get me ready for the actual act... or when you have gone LD/HD for so long, as a man, do you just not care anymore?
For a timeframe, got together when I was 20, married a year later, had a child less than a year after that, then another a year later... breast fed both of them, having two in diapers and being solely "Mom" no work, put me into a funk... plus I had some post partum. This started the arguements... 3 years into our relationship. We woudl have good long spells and then bad long spells and each time he would bring it to my attention, then about 5 years into our relationship we settled into a routine of a bout once a week to occasionaly once every two weeks, this went on for about 4 years... then we had our huge fight... I thought he was cheating, he thought I was cheating... we talking , read articles, I realized how important sex is for a man, and told him I would initiate more, and have ever since, as well as not turning him down all the time (he still puts in a request about every day to every other day).... 
Men help me with some tips please.... I need to find the balance, and my husband isn't helping at the moment despite coming right out and telling him... although some on called it stereotypical that i want to be wooed and romanced and seduced.... I find it stereotypical that every man has drives like this but most do.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Thound said:


> Sorry, your going to have to be very blunt with him. We men are very thick. It takes a baseball bat to the skull to get what women are saying. You sound like an awesome wife, but if he doesn't listen to what you are saying, he's going to be here crying about getting the ilybnilwy speech. Just my opinion. Good luck.


hmmm interesting. Thank you for some male input.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Faithfulwife... 
yes I guess you have a point.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> have you and your H done the emotional need questionnaire from Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice
> 
> men don't get training on how to woo a wife. That is the wife's job. Start teaching him what you want by insisting he give it.


I'm reading some of the stuff on that site now. Thank you.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I would like to add the question to men.... if you are in a relationship recovering from a previous bought of LD/HD (still not having your desire fulfilled 100% but compromised) how do you find a balance with your partner on sex for both versus sex just for you? Do you appreciate sex just for you? I think my husband appreciates it because I "get into it" but he doesn't appreciate that I don't get off every time.... How does your wife communicate her needs to you? Hae you struggled with the balance. I think I went so long in the "arguing" from the LD/HD I didn't realize what my own needs were until after the past year in giving freely, many times getting into it and getting off and realizing the benefit of him being happier just in life in general... but now i am in this predicament of not having my own needs met, vocalizing them several times... don't exactly want to tell him specifics of what to do or say... because it seems to me it takes the work out of it. I had to work to meet him over halfway on his drive, I feel like he should have to do some work to meet me on my needs outside the bedroom (and inside) to get me ready for the actual act... or when you have gone LD/HD for so long, as a man, do you just not care anymore?
> For a timeframe, got together when I was 20, married a year later, had a child less than a year after that, then another a year later... breast fed both of them, having two in diapers and being solely "Mom" no work, put me into a funk... plus I had some post partum. This started the arguements... 3 years into our relationship. We woudl have good long spells and then bad long spells and each time he would bring it to my attention, then about 5 years into our relationship we settled into a routine of a bout once a week to occasionaly once every two weeks, this went on for about 4 years... then we had our huge fight... I thought he was cheating, he thought I was cheating... we talking , read articles, I realized how important sex is for a man, and told him I would initiate more, and have ever since, as well as not turning him down all the time (he still puts in a request about every day to every other day)....
> Men help me with some tips please.... I need to find the balance, and my husband isn't helping at the moment despite coming right out and telling him... although some on called it stereotypical that i want to be wooed and romanced and seduced.... I find it stereotypical that every man has drives like this but most do.


Sorry. You're probably are going to have to be specific. Tell him you made a point to be more sexual, so he needs to try harder to meet your needs. Please stay away from the mind reading games. Foreplay is a daily thing wether I get some that night or not.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

What do men consider a mind reading game? Like seriously am I supposed to tell him I would like for him to plan a date night for us instead of sleepovers for our kids (here at our house)? Should I come right out and tell him what to text me? I tell him to text me, he says hey how is your day... (rolls eyes).... I get foreplay being ongoing... I was just sort of being fecicious(sp)... Anyway, to me, it is very likened to him telling me he doesn't always want to have to ask for sex, or ask for it to be different, so I switch it up on him, I have to use my brain, read, get creative... but he is not expected to do the same because it is considered "mind reading"??? To me if I tell him exactly an idea and he does it, it takes away from it because then it wasn't his idea... when, while we were dating and early into our marriage he was full of ideas... did lots of romantic things and thought of them on his own.... I suppose however I can give him some examples of things he has done in the past that I liked, rather than tell him what to do moving forward...

To Anon we have done that needs assessment before, although from a different site, discussed it thoroughly, for a while he seemed to play along but now it doesn't seem to matter because he gets his main bank full. I don't think there is an easy answer to this..... we have both communicated what we want, to each other, I listened, he didn't. I reminded him... recently. So either I come right out and tell him or I just accept things for how they are. I know he loves me... that isn't the issue. But romantic love is.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

while we were dating and early into our marriage he was full of ideas... did lots of romantic things and thought of them on his own.... I suppose however I can give him some examples of things he has done in the past that I liked, rather than tell him what to do moving forward...

This!!! But when you tell him make sure the TV is off, the computer is off. No distractions


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I would like to add the question to men.... if you are in a relationship recovering from a previous bought of LD/HD (still not having your desire fulfilled 100% but compromised) how do you find a balance with your partner on sex for both versus sex just for you? Do you appreciate sex just for you? I think my husband appreciates it because I "get into it" but he doesn't appreciate that I don't get off every time.... How does your wife communicate her needs to you? Hae you struggled with the balance. I think I went so long in the "arguing" from the LD/HD I didn't realize what my own needs were until after the past year in giving freely, many times getting into it and getting off and realizing the benefit of him being happier just in life in general... but now i am in this predicament of not having my own needs met, vocalizing them several times... don't exactly want to tell him specifics of what to do or say... because it seems to me it takes the work out of it. I had to work to meet him over halfway on his drive, I feel like he should have to do some work to meet me on my needs outside the bedroom (and inside) to get me ready for the actual act... or when you have gone LD/HD for so long, as a man, do you just not care anymore?
> For a timeframe, got together when I was 20, married a year later, had a child less than a year after that, then another a year later... breast fed both of them, having two in diapers and being solely "Mom" no work, put me into a funk... plus I had some post partum. This started the arguements... 3 years into our relationship. We woudl have good long spells and then bad long spells and each time he would bring it to my attention, then about 5 years into our relationship we settled into a routine of a bout once a week to occasionaly once every two weeks, this went on for about 4 years... then we had our huge fight... I thought he was cheating, he thought I was cheating... we talking , read articles, I realized how important sex is for a man, and told him I would initiate more, and have ever since, as well as not turning him down all the time (he still puts in a request about every day to every other day)....
> Men help me with some tips please.... I need to find the balance, and my husband isn't helping at the moment despite coming right out and telling him... although some on called it stereotypical that i want to be wooed and romanced and seduced.... I find it stereotypical that every man has drives like this but most do.


First off you need to tell us what books our article you read that helped you understand his issue?

Me and my girl are recovering from the situation but it is still tense I realized that the reason we were not having enough sex was because I was denying her quality time. We were holding each other hostage. So I have been working on what she needs and she has been working on my needs. My goal is not to have pity sex or a pity bj instead I want her to get something out of it so I am looking at ways to make it better for her. I have been reading books on sensual massage this way it is a both realaxing and if sex is on the table well this is a great bridge, first time I did it I did get a bj and I did not think it was pity because she loved the message said it was 8 her pleasure meter. So her pleasure ended up being my pleasure now would of been happy without the bj? Sure this is just to make her feel better the bj is just extra. As well as ways to last longer "I have no issues with oral I like doing it and she loves receiving it, still I am l reading books on that for extra tricks". I have in the past taken a pity something or other and really that is not what your guy is looking for oh when you are in a drought any water will do but when you have abundance then you are looking quality. I think that this bothers him is a good sign.

Lets look at him because really if you lived closer I would have my girl come talk to her as I think you are doing great with this issue. He needs to man up and go down more often many women CANNOT orgasm off of PIV. So I would talk to him and see if he is interested in some reading material there are a ton of books out there you can also make a deal you will read a book on BJ's if he reads a book on your oral. The problem is kind of in his court has he said that he feels he has a problem? Is he willing to work to change or is it just lip service?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

CEL said:


> First off you need to tell us what books our article you read that helped you understand his issue?
> 
> Me and my girl are recovering from the situation but it is still tense I realized that the reason we were not having enough sex was because I was denying her quality time. We were holding each other hostage. So I have been working on what she needs and she has been working on my needs. My goal is not to have pity sex or a pity bj instead I want her to get something out of it so I am looking at ways to make it better for her. I have been reading books on sensual massage this way it is a both realaxing and if sex is on the table well this is a great bridge, first time I did it I did get a bj and I did not think it was pity because she loved the message said it was 8 her pleasure meter. So her pleasure ended up being my pleasure now would of been happy without the bj? Sure this is just to make her feel better the bj is just extra. As well as ways to last longer "I have no issues with oral I like doing it and she loves receiving it, still I am l reading books on that for extra tricks". I have in the past taken a pity something or other and really that is not what your guy is looking for oh when you are in a drought any water will do but when you have abundance then you are looking quality. I think that this bothers him is a good sign.
> 
> Lets look at him because really if you lived closer I would have my girl come talk to her as I think you are doing great with this issue. He needs to man up and go down more often many women CANNOT orgasm off of PIV. So I would talk to him and see if he is interested in some reading material there are a ton of books out there you can also make a deal you will read a book on BJ's if he reads a book on your oral. The problem is kind of in his court has he said that he feels he has a problem? Is he willing to work to change or is it just lip service?


The problem for the most part isn't the quality of sex, it's the quanity of sex versus emotional intimacy... I've been doing some reading tonight and I get the disconnect. I want him to romance me, warm me up, I have no problem anymore with not turning him down, our relationship has come a long way. We do talk more, we do more things together (as a family) but I think we are missing the "us time" element. To him, us time is playing a video game or watching tv... I would like for once him to take initiative in planning a date, scheduling a sitter and surprising me... I have surprised him with bedroom things that I have read. He just doesn't seem to have the drive to do it or the want to do it, because his needs are being fulfilled... even though we haven't discussed it, I'm sure he is dissappointed in today and sees we are going back down a bad path... I pointed it out to him last week that we don't spend any quality time together... he said you are right, we should... but there is no follow through. What i read that really opened my eyes was 1. His Needs-Her Needs-Our Needs and 2 seeing a friends marriage almost fall apart to an affair and seeing at the same time my husband was having an EA although he denies it because I dont think he understand emotional connection the same way I do, and the way I crave it. But I saw it, I saw the way he looked at her, the things he did, the way he talked about here, because they "connected". I've been struggling since to get that back... maybe that is part of the problem? I crave emotional connection like he craves sex, daily. Daily I want to feel connected to him, as his wife, not in a sexual manner, in other ways.. that is what we are missing right now. But if you and your wife read that it's a very quick summary of the his needs/her needs book, and shows the major differences between mens needs versus womens needs... they are so not the same. Old addage, women need to feel love to want sex, men want sex to feel loved.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

livelaughlovenow said:


> What do men consider a mind reading game? Like seriously am I supposed to tell him I would like for him to plan a date night for us instead of sleepovers for our kids (here at our house)? Should I come right out and tell him what to text me? I tell him to text me, he says hey how is your day... (rolls eyes).... I get foreplay being ongoing... I was just sort of being fecicious(sp)... Anyway, to me, it is very likened to him telling me he doesn't always want to have to ask for sex, or ask for it to be different, so I switch it up on him, I have to use my brain, read, get creative... but he is not expected to do the same because it is considered "mind reading"??? To me if I tell him exactly an idea and he does it, it takes away from it because then it wasn't his idea... when, while we were dating and early into our marriage he was full of ideas... did lots of romantic things and thought of them on his own.... I suppose however I can give him some examples of things he has done in the past that I liked, rather than tell him what to do moving forward...
> 
> To Anon we have done that needs assessment before, although from a different site, discussed it thoroughly, for a while he seemed to play along but now it doesn't seem to matter because he gets his main bank full. I don't think there is an easy answer to this..... we have both communicated what we want, to each other, I listened, he didn't. I reminded him... recently. So either I come right out and tell him or I just accept things for how they are. I know he loves me... that isn't the issue. But romantic love is.



1, 2 and 3 are the things me and my girl do we also do spend all of at least one weekend day together and 

1: Date night every week that means EVERY damn night. Make him plan it tell him to treat it like a date that means you dress up maybe you go to a movie, dinner or drinks. 

2: This is separate from date night but have another event during the week this can be friends night out where you meet with friends or whatever hell even movie night with friends over. We do this maybe every other week. This gets you both to see each other around other people a main component to keeping the home fires burning.

3: We also spend at least one hour a night with just us. This can be watching tv but if it is then you cuddle during it no separate space. No phones. No laptops. And talk about the damn shows don't just veg out.

4: You need to put some of this in his court, you want to be wooed not looked at like just mother and wife but as a desirable lover. So yeah I would do a list of things you liked when he was dating and then I would give a set number of them you want per week. I know this feel unromantic but you are climbing a mountain you go to take one step at a time not just expect a magic wand to make it all wonderful. This set number gives him something concrete to work on.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

livelaughlovenow said:


> The problem for the most part isn't the quality of sex, it's the quanity of sex versus emotional intimacy... I've been doing some reading tonight and I get the disconnect. I want him to romance me, warm me up, I have no problem anymore with not turning him down, our relationship has come a long way. We do talk more, we do more things together (as a family) but I think we are missing the "us time" element. To him, us time is playing a video game or watching tv... I would like for once him to take initiative in planning a date, scheduling a sitter and surprising me... I have surprised him with bedroom things that I have read. He just doesn't seem to have the drive to do it or the want to do it, because his needs are being fulfilled... even though we haven't discussed it, I'm sure he is dissappointed in today and sees we are going back down a bad path... I pointed it out to him last week that we don't spend any quality time together... he said you are right, we should... but there is no follow through. What i read that really opened my eyes was 1. His Needs-Her Needs-Our Needs and 2 seeing a friends marriage almost fall apart to an affair and seeing at the same time my husband was having an EA although he denies it because I dont think he understand emotional connection the same way I do, and the way I crave it. But I saw it, I saw the way he looked at her, the things he did, the way he talked about here, because they "connected". I've been struggling since to get that back... maybe that is part of the problem? I crave emotional connection like he craves sex, daily. Daily I want to feel connected to him, as his wife, not in a sexual manner, in other ways.. that is what we are missing right now. But if you and your wife read that it's a very quick summary of the his needs/her needs book, and shows the major differences between mens needs versus womens needs... they are so not the same. Old addage, women need to feel love to want sex, men want sex to feel loved.



You are a lot like my girl she could of almost written your post on what makes you feel loved...flipping scary. The quality time thing is your love language you probably have secondary one my girls is acts of service. I read the book Amazon.com: The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts eBook: Gary D Chapman: Kindle Store great book and taught me a ton about what makes her tick and why she was unhappy. She has been telling me for years that she wanted us to spend more time together but it just never clicked that she only feels loved when we do, that for her it was same as denying me physical affection. I just never got it we used to fight and fight about it year after year it was crazy but since I read it I get it and MAKE the time now she feels great really loved. She told me the other day to calm down because I am changing so much that it makes her nervous she has trouble relaxing in the relationship because so many good changes have happened like she expects me to backslide or something.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

CEL said:


> You are a lot like my girl she could of almost written your post on what makes you feel loved...flipping scary. The quality time thing is your love language you probably have secondary one my girls is acts of service. I read the book Amazon.com: The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts eBook: Gary D Chapman: Kindle Store great book and taught me a ton about what makes her tick and why she was unhappy. She has been telling me for years that she wanted us to spend more time together but it just never clicked that she only feels loved when we do, that for her it was same as denying me physical affection. I just never got it we used to fight and fight about it year after year it was crazy but since I read it I get it and MAKE the time now she feels great really loved. She told me the other day to calm down because I am changing so much that it makes her nervous she has trouble relaxing in the relationship because so many good changes have happened like she expects me to backslide or something.


Trouble is, he won't read a book... a short article yes, but not a book. lol We did do the online love languages test, I don't think my hub answered correctly because his language is clearly primarily physical but based on the questions it was a fair mix, and ours turned out almost identical, which made no sense at all. On your 1,2,3 thing absolutely... I suggested that last week... he is so wrapped up in things that make him feel good outside of our home right now he dismissed it all the next day. As I said in another post, I got a massage one night... then nothing. I gave him a suggestion, I said send a song to me that reminds you of me... he told me today he was going to send me the "whistle" song... really? sex again... I want to be relished for more than just that, he has no problem being affectionate when he wants some, it's the in between time... I suggested date nights.. he said we do need to do that... and nothing.. he actually scheduled me a sitter to take a class that he needs me to sit in for him for while he is gone this weekend... but he can't schedule a sitter and a date night for us


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Get him to read "for men only". It's awesome! In turn you should read "for women only". Both books are very eye opening about how differently men and women view and receive love. It's short . Read it together. I got a free pdf online!

Who knew playing xbox together would be considered romantic! I didnt until I read this book and understood how men think


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Wow and damn if he is unwilling to change or even work on it then I would say the next steps are a frank discussion on what you want and that you are not getting it. And that you either see some actual ACTIONS or you want to see Marriage Counseling my guess is that he is alot like me he just does not get it and until you get that epiphany moment you are treading water but going no where.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

livelaugh...keep reading the Marriage Builders materials, and specifically, read about how they don't recommend that you compromise. They recommend that you use the POJA.

Right now, you feel you are compromising, but it is causing resentment in you, and resentment kills love very quickly. Using the POJA means that both spouses get their needs met and both are enthusiastic about choices they make in marriage.

Short version: you should never have sex with your husband when the sex itself will cause resentment that you will hold against him for ANY reason you might hold it. No sex should ever be unenthusiastic. When you say you know you need to keep switching it up for him because that is what he wants, you do not sound enthusiastic about doing it. So that is not what you should be doing.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

FemBot said:


> Get him to read "for men only". It's awesome! In turn you should read "for women only". Both books are very eye opening about how differently men and women view and receive love. It's short . Read it together. I got a free pdf online!
> 
> Who knew playing xbox together would be considered romantic! I didnt until I read this book and understood how men think


Is this a set?


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

I have been through something like this before and think I may have commented on one of your threads before. You two really need to sit down and have a talk. Gently tell him about how you feel and what you want and need. Now to help with the sex part I would recommend going and getting some books. Maybe some Karma Sutra books that have illustrations in them. That will give you both some new ideas and him some hints and will excite him as well. I hope this helps you out and if you want or need anything else, than feel free to message me.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

"my husband again today says he wants some... so I grab the lube, lube him up and let him have his way, even in a postion in which unless really worked up I don't get off... he hurt me a little bit but I know he likes the position... I told him before hand, when he said do you have a few minutes, I said do you have more time than that (at that point in time knowing he really didn't) but he says what do you mean. I said time, like some time ahead of it, for me... he says sure, later. Okay I think and so I give in... I'm not wanting to deny him, but I feel like he is taking advantage. "

I'm sorry this is just awful. He seems selfish. I don't understand how you could put up with him treating you like this. If I get hurt for any reason I stop. And you know what my husband is 100% ok with it because he cares about me. Because I feel respected and cared for,I make sure treat him well in all aspects including sexualy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

mablenc said:


> "my husband again today says he wants some... so I grab the lube, lube him up and let him have his way, even in a postion in which unless really worked up I don't get off... he hurt me a little bit but I know he likes the position... I told him before hand, when he said do you have a few minutes, I said do you have more time than that (at that point in time knowing he really didn't) but he says what do you mean. I said time, like some time ahead of it, for me... he says sure, later. Okay I think and so I give in... I'm not wanting to deny him, but I feel like he is taking advantage. "
> 
> I'm sorry this is just awful. He seems selfish. I don't understand how you could put up with him treating you like this. If I get hurt for any reason I stop. And you know what my husband is 100% ok with it because he cares about me. Because I feel respected and cared for,I make sure treat him well in all aspects including sexualy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In his defense he realized the initial pounding was not cool.... he offered to stop, I said no, just go a little easier. He did. It was ok... men have needs.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

livelaughlovenow said:


> In his defense he realized the initial pounding was not cool.... he offered to stop, I said no, just go a little easier. He did.* It was ok... men have need*s.


So Do Women. Until you can place your needs in equal priority to his, you will always get what you've always gotten.


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