# I dont know where else to go, feel like giving up



## SoConfusedNLost (Jun 24, 2017)

Im really lost and confused. I feel like three years of my life have been ripped away and were a total lie. I feel really crazy, so I hope you all can help provide some clarity and if you can hold back your judgment. I know I wasn't perfect in this…

So 3 years ago I met this gay girl (im a gay girl too btw) and we go on a couple of dates. I get to know and love her friends and then she tells me she wants to just be friends. I respect that. But things grow more complicated over the next year. We stay up all night talking to eachother, i buy her tickets to nyc with me, we cuddle in the same bed, we tell each other our deepest secrets, we write long letters in the mail to one another. We hold hands. I mean i thought we were friends of course, but also growing into more one day. I told her i was in love with her. She didn't reply. We always say I love you to one another but never a direct I am in love with you. 

A Year into it, she visits me in California where I moved to, on her birthday. I confront her on having feelings back for me and she denies, we argue and argue, get drunk, and argue more. Then she throws herself at me. More than once, strips down naked and literally jumps on me. I told her, after saying no several times, “please don't use me” to which she tells me she has feelings for me, she just isn't ready for a relationship. We have sex. She leaves town.

That summer I visit her in the state where she lives, where we are from. I give her 2500 for a car she needs, I buy her an iPhone when hers breaks, I still cuddle in bed with her when i visit, etc. 

Then one time as I visit, i show up and theres some girl Ive never seen. Everyone knows its her girlfriend but me. I immediately leave and tell her she should've told me. It was really heartbreaking and shattering for me. We don't talk for almost 2 years. I told her she should've had the courage to at least tell me about the situation before I had to walk in and see it first hand. She stays with her gf all that time

We reconnect a few months ago, I go down and visit her, for a few days, but her gf is out of the state and out of contact for 6 months. and tbh I dont even know IF they are still together. She doesn't mention her once. not in passing, nothing. We sort of picked up where we left off, we cuddle in bed, legs intertwined, she reads me bedtime stories, etc. 

Then she packs up her bags and life and hits the road, searching for herself, i guess. Living out of her car driving anywhere the road takes her…its a bold move. one that worries me alot, so we end up talking on the phone nightly for 4-6 hours. We talk, we laugh, we cry, we share deep deep secrets, she still never mentions the gf. Then she drives into california to see me for my birthday. Except when she's here, she's cold and distant. Then I overheard her on the phone talking about her girlfriend, and she says it loudly, so that I can hear it. After She asks me what is wrong, and I tell her she's never once admitted she had feelings for me.

Thats when she gets really upset and tells me she has made it clear so many times, calls me delusional, tells me I'm being petty, tells me that the only reason i hated her for two years was because she wouldn't be with me. It turns my world upside down to be honest. A whole reality I believed totally shattered. She says to me “Did you just think I was lying to my girlfriend myself this entire time? I never had feelings for you” I mention the drunken night, she says she was so wasted she doesn't even remember, and then admits she thought she could have feelings but that the way we argued, it killed any feelings she had. She says we just anger ****ed. I feel so used and disgusted i ever gave my body to her. 

She ends up leaving before my birthday and I have to cancel my already booked destination plans because she got a job up in the mountains where her gf is. 
She tells me I was crazy. She tells me she cuddles with all her friends, writes them letters, talks to them for hours on the phone, all of that. She told me I destroyed myself. I did this all to myself. 

I dont want to demonize her, or think bad things, I want to find a way where i am NOT crazy and she is NOT someone who led me on. I care about her and the look on her face, i believe her when she says she never cared about me. She looked at me like i was a total psycho. I feel really really pathetic now, completely embarrassed in front of our mutual friends, how thirsty i mustve looked to them…I feel like i cant trust my gut, i cant trust anything in this world. I feel like everything i know has been turned upside down. I feel like having a complete and utter breakdown. I feel like giving up to be honest….

and this isn't anything but I couldn't ever get why she picked her gf over me. We have a connection no one else i know has. We laugh and talk for hours with great chemistry, this girl and her from what I saw and have seen, dont nearly. this girl has very little going for her, she works in a dog kennel, has tattoos everywhere, and is overweight and a bit moody and sophomoric. 

I’ve always taken care of my friend, Im fit, attractive,I have a lot of success in my career ,i have a Fulbright (not that this stuff matters to everyone i understand), but i have a career very few find success in and its really hard to make it in, and this girl has always expressed deep admiration for my career goals, accomplishments, physical appearance, etc.


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## SoConfusedNLost (Jun 24, 2017)

I should also say i believe my friend is a good person, one who wouldnt intentionally deceive anyone, least of all me. I believe she does care about me. I believe her when she said she has and had no feelings. But that leaves me with little else to believe other than the fact that as she said I "destroyed myself"

Not sure how I couldve been a total idiot..dont usually see myself as a delusional person. Optimistic maybe... 

she says she told me time and again there was nothing there, but that wasnt true, she only said it directly this one time, othertimes she has said "we are friends" but idk...i took that as an obvious statement since we werent directly anything more ... i didnt read into it, i have no feelings...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I'm sorry you have been hurt and so upset. 

From what you wrote, it sounds like in all the years, only that one time did she say she had feelings for you. And she was very drunk. While I agree the amount of time invested in each other and cuddling etc seems to give signals that she was interested, her words and other actions have clearly told you all along that she is not.

Close this chapter of your life. Move on and find someone who LOVES YOU AND DESERVES YOU.


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## gswfan (Apr 14, 2017)

She sounds like she is BPD to me flopping back and forth. They can love you one moment and hate you the next. Move on.


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## SoConfusedNLost (Jun 24, 2017)

I know I am moving on I just dint know how to trust myself anymore if I could be so wrong for so long. I


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The very best thing they you can do for yourself is to look at her from the rear-view mirror just one last time!

You do not need the likes of her!*


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## SoConfusedNLost (Jun 24, 2017)

and how do I live w myself or trust myself ever again? I know it must seem melodramatic but i feel like i lost something so huge that i lived and worked for so long. i just want to give up. I want to stay being her friend, tho just a friend. If I stay on this sick planet


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SoConfusedNLost said:


> and how do I live w myself or trust myself ever again? I know it must seem melodramatic but i feel like i lost something so huge that i lived and worked for so long. i just want to give up. I want to stay being her friend, tho just a friend. If I stay on this sick planet


I do think that you fooled yourself. 

She is opportunistic and took anything that you would give her. But look back over all that time and it's pretty clear that she made sure that there was a distance... she friend zoned you right off really. But when she was alone and wanted someone around, she knew that she could use you to fill a temporary void.

How do you go years without seeing someone and think that there is actually something there? If she felt for you the way you wanted her to, she would have stayed with you.

How do you live with yourself? Well you forgive yourself for being human and you take this as an important lesson in life. The less is that if someone cares for you enough to be your lover, they stay with you. They fill our life with the good things that meet your needs. 

I also think that you should not keep her as a friend. She has used you to be honest. She knew how you felt. You were very clear about that. And she took advantage of that. 

You can be sure that the only times she contacted you was when she needed something from you. Why at are ok with that?


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## SoConfusedNLost (Jun 24, 2017)

That right there, her using me, or the idea of it, was exactly why I thought she DID have feelings for me. She has insisted she never used me, she isnt the type of person who uses people. It would hurt more that she used me than just never had felings. i can get not feeling for me, i dont get how someone i admire and love could use someone so coldly tho. 
Did i think she was 100% into me? No i felt like she had mixed feelings and was scared, she has said herself she was scared for how she could feel for me. She told me she sabotaged alot of her life and had done so with us. IF you are into someone you let them do those things for you...otherwise if you arent you are using them. Esp if you know how they feel.

Also idk how her gf would feel that as soon as she leaves town she drives across the country and sleeps in my bed and holds me. that girl from what i hear has been very jealous. or the fact that my friend never so much as says a word about her to me. how do all those things not lead me on? 

After we slept together and told me she had feelings for me i wish she had sat me down and said no scratch that, it was a mistake, etc, instead of leaving it unresolved.

as for the two years apart that was my call and she was constantly still trying to be in my life and shes still really upset at me for that time.


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## SoConfusedNLost (Jun 24, 2017)

If you have a SO do you drive across the country and cuddle in bed w the woman who used to love you, whom u slept w once?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SoConfusedNLost said:


> If you have a SO do you drive across the country and cuddle in bed w the woman who used to love you, whom u slept w once?


If you do, no one in their right mind should waste time trying and effort trying to love you.

Seriously some people are like this, their love is not really worth much because there is no loyalty attached to it. Falling in love with someone like that happens to most people at least once in their lives. The lesson to learn is they are not worth the effort. Let them go off to the next shallow love affair that gives them an endorphin rush. 

I can promise you that you will get over her and you will have joy again. It just takes time.


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## SoConfusedNLost (Jun 24, 2017)

thank you thats seriously the best answer anyone has given me. it fits in the way that i wasnt crazy, she wasnt using, she just has shallow feelings or isnt at a place to love anyone fully. 

I mean i know i dont seem it now, but im not a thirsty kind of person, i have enough self respect to walk away when someone makes it clear they arent interested but i always got mixed signals and i allowed it from her bc i attributed it to her pretty traumatic past (really appalling stuff) and having her guard way up .


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@SoConfusedNLost, I think you met a player and a user.

You come across as a good person and a loyal, true friend.

She is not any of those things.

There's someone out there who deserves a good person who is a loyal, true friend.

She'll find you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SoConfusedNLost said:


> I know I am moving on I just dint know how to trust myself anymore if I could be so wrong for so long. I


I often tell people to come up with a list of what they would require in a perfect relationship, and keep a copy on them, and pull it out and read it every once in awhile, to help you judge your current relationship to see if you're getting it. If you're not, it's time to talk about it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SoConfusedNLost said:


> thank you thats seriously the best answer anyone has given me. it fits in the way that i wasnt crazy, she wasnt using, she just has shallow feelings or isnt at a place to love anyone fully.
> 
> I mean i know i dont seem it now, but im not a thirsty kind of person, i have enough self respect to walk away when someone makes it clear they arent interested but i always got mixed signals and i allowed it from her bc i attributed it to her pretty traumatic past (really appalling stuff) and having her guard way up .


The next lesson to learn is to get stronger. Steele your heart. Never again love someone enough to let them abuse you ever again. You can love up until that point, but if it comes to that point ghost.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Not meaning to be trite, but what is past is past, you can't change it. Find someone who can consistently love you and whom you can love. 

Don't worry about "trusting yourself". Hindsight is wonderful, but when you are in the middle of a complex / troubled relationship its often very difficult to really see what is going on. Its always easy to second guess your own decisions when you know how they turned out in the end.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

This girl is not a good person! Open your eyes and keep them that way, my dear. Also, please respect yourself. Just because someone tells you something is true doesn't make it so. Pass on this girl forever. She is not your friend in any way, shape, or form. Better to have her out of your life. You don't need to understand her brand of madness to acknowledge it and decide that you don't want that in your life.


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## Sly Fox (Jun 6, 2017)

There is nothing wrong with you or your gut. You made the same calculations and had the same expectations any of us here would have had in the same scenario. The problem is, this girl sounds like she is a bit loopy and has some issues of instability. 

Anyone would question why the person never revealed they had a girlfriend, especially considering the closeness you had. Despite what she says, cuddling in bed and spending hours on the phone like that on a regular basis, is more than friends. It is this girl who is confused and even delusional. 

I can only imagine the pain you are going through. Maybe she will think harder now that all this came out, and realize she did have something special in you. In any case, big loss for her. 

Try and keep busy and don't dwell on it. And whatever you do, don't entertain these thoughts about not being able to go on or life being worthless, etc.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Umm... She is NOT a good person. 

And you clung to a woman who enjoyed keeping you at arms length. 

You could have ASKED her about her gf. You chose not to. People very rarely change. 

Who cares if you think you know her intimate secrets. For all you know, she's told many people different stories to draw them in. My guess is, she feeds on attention. Don't be the supply. You know you deserve better.


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