# Stepping out on a Cheater?



## Throwaway01 (Nov 20, 2013)

Hello everyone, need a bit of advice if you all care to comment something constructive.

I am a 30yr old male that is having a bit of trouble with my marriage. I have been married approximately three years. My wife and I were together for 4 years prior to marriage. 

THE QUICK STORY IS HERE
To sum it all up, wife cheated emotionally with other people before and after we were married without me knowing, and cheated on me sexually a month prior to marriage(possibly once after marriage as well), I didnt find out till a year afterward. Now I am thinking about having an affair and possibly even a divorce but I am torn because of my son and all the work my wife has put in to try and save our marriage. 

Has anyone else out there been cheated on and felt the same way? 

THE FULL STORY IS HERE
Prior to our marriage my wife and I had to have a few talks about boundaries and how it is inappropriate to talk to men in certain ways, caught her once messing around with someone on AIM and told her that if anything ever happened like that again I would terminate our relationship. Anyhow, just shy of our one year anniversary I found out through a series of events that she cheated on me about a month before we were married. At the time I was working very long hours, sometimes 16 hours a day while awaiting orders for military training. On one of my shifts my wife went to a party with a ****bag friend and never came back that evening. Turns out she had a one night stand with a guy she had met and made out with few weeks prior when I was out of town on my bachelor party (not the wild kind).

You can imagine my reaction when I found this out. Especially when it was close friends that had to tell me because of the circumstances at the time (essentially my wife got drunk as was texting suggestive messages to a friend of mine that was with us at the bar) did I mention that my wife had told these friends months prior after she drove 6 hours to join me on a camping trip unexpectedly? She had been talking to a co-worker in an inappropriate fashion and supposedly led him on, he showed up at our house and she told him she was not interested in him then drove to be with me. Anyhow, this was not my wife first time getting caught in a bad situation involving another guy and inappropriate conversation, however it was the first time that she cheated on me (so she says). 

Well not to drag this on any further I'll get on with it...So my wife and I put our marriage back together (or at least tried to) got counseling and really worked on things. She quite her job and found a new one (she worked with some people that were a bad influence on her) and she also gave up drinking. She pledged to work on herself and she decided to move away with me for my 2 year stint of military pilot training. A month before I left to be commissioned (approximately two months after i found out she cheated) my wife told me she was pregnant. To be honest this was tough news because I was still not 100% recovered, hell not even 50% and at that time was contemplating leaving her.

Fast forward two years...My wife has been with me through virtually every step of my training and supported me through thick and thin (pilot training is not an easy process and there are alot of ups and downs, no pun intended). We have a beautiful baby boy that I love very much and life is finally starting to settle down as I come to the end of my training. Now we are faced with a long distance relationship for the next 6 months as my wife stays at home, works and raises my son and I commute once a week back home from my base to see them on my days off. After this last spot of training we should be able to go back to a more normal life.

At this point I still have so many unanswered questions about her one night stand and other guys that she has "talked" to (I think she may have slept with one after to our marriage but she denies it). I have so much pain and anger still built up that I am trying to resolve through counseling, but my flying schedule does not allow much time for myself. When I am around friends and other female co-workers/pilots, (especially on trips) I find that I have a very strong urge to cheat on my wife. I know all the damage that it will cause to me and our marriage but this urge can be very overwhelming at times. I feel like had I known she cheated before we were married we would not even be together and I would be able to do anything that I wanted, but instead I was lured into a union on false terms. I dont want to do anything that would ever hurt my son, but sometimes I just wonder if it would be better if we did split up and I was involved with someone else.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Given her history, how do you know that the child is yours? I would think given the timeframe and events you mentioned, you should have his paternity tested. Fairly cheap to do.

Reading your story, it could be that your wife when pregnant decided to settle on you as the one to raise the child.

She has a history of infidelity. She cheated several times. You're not comfortable with that. How do you know she's not cheating now at home, with you away? 

Your mind is wandering away from her because you now sense you can do better. If so, this does not get any better.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

It's never too late to let go, divorce her and move on.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

That's not your child. It's the guilt that she feels for you raising what could be another man's child that is making her nice to you. She doesn't want to rock the boat.
Go get a paternity test. That woman is not to be trusted.


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

Throwaway01 said:


> Hello everyone, need a bit of advice if you all care to comment something constructive.
> 
> I am a 30yr old male that is having a bit of trouble with my marriage. I have been married approximately three years. My wife and I were together for 4 years prior to marriage.
> 
> ...


NO NOT CHEAT. BE A REAL MAN. DIVORCE HER.

You made the mistake of trying to R with her and are now paying the price. You should have D her long ago. Do it now.
I recommend a paternity test for the child.
If your decision has a lot to do with if she slept with a man and you think she is lying, then tell her it is time for a polygraph, as you can't continue with the doubts you have. 
She is lying though and your gut is already telling you the truth.

Let her go, find a woman who can keep her legs shut when you are not home.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

dontbeused said:


> NO NOT CHEAT. BE A REAL MAN. DIVORCE HER.
> 
> You made the mistake of trying to R with her and are now paying the price. You should have D her long ago. Do it now.
> I recommend a paternity test for the child.
> ...


This. An affair will solve nothing; you'll still have unanswered questions, you'll still have all of your marital problems, you'll still be married to a cheating wh0re, except that you'll be a scumbag too. Just file for divorce now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

If you think it's over, you should formally end it. Don't become a cheater as well. Read around this site about people who have revenge affairs (RAs); it almost universally ends badly. All that anger and rage you have - cheating on your wife won't make that go away. You know what will? Deciding that you don't want to live your life with a cheater and liar and divorcing to become your own man, and you will keep your integrity in the process ... not to mention avoid legal problems (if at-fault divorce is an issue where you are) and the judgement of friends and relatives. 

I know you are concerned with your son but there is no "good" age for children to have their parents divorce. In your shoes, I would consider the paternity test. Hell, depending on her remorse level, I might do it right in front of her, to let her know how little credibility her word has.

As far as your wife goes, does she know you are struggling with this so much? Does she still show any remorse? It sounds like she is trying to do what's normally recommended (quitting job, transparency, etc.). It may not be enough for you to overcome. It may never be enough. If it's not, then you walk away from the marriage before you let your anger warp you into the very thing you don't want to be.


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## Emptyshelldad (Apr 29, 2013)

Polygraph then paternity test for sure bro.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Okay dude do not, repeat, do not stoop to her level. Use your integrity, honor and so on, to guide you through this crap. Just from reading I question if the child is yours. Paternity big time, $150 is nothing compared to lifelong payments. This person is all wrong. No way would I marry someone with that background. This has pain written all over it. There are plenty of woman out there that will give you that unconditional love, so to speak and lifelong support for a happy, healthy marriage. You deserve better man, keep telling yourself that. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Don't cheat on her. You have better integrety than that.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So you'd be willing to ruin some other pilot's career, not to mention yours, because your wife cheated and you want revenge. 

Cut your nose off instead.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Divorce, paternity test, only converse about child. 

Move on. 

But, I will say this. 

Good for the goose, good for the gander. 

Do what you will. I'm not going to get all holly on you and say. "no, no revenge affair make you bad person and blah, blah". The marriage is already over, there is no expectations of loyalty on your part. 

I say, go get some. 

Then divorce. 

That simple really.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

yes don't cheat.

when I found out about my wife's affair (second), I said i could never cheat on you, she said i don't believe you.

later on maybe 3 months she had a friend try and hit on me too see if i would take the bait, (I did not know this friend of hers).

I did not bite, although i knew it was to good to be true (this girl was 15 years young and very hot).

well the friend was astonished i did not bite maybe even a little miffed. maybe even thought i was gay 

latter on my wife told me and the friend said you have a great husband he a keeper ....

gee.. a past the test i wish my wife would

as time goes on i do not know if i could


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Divorce first. You are in the military and should know that adultery is a big no no. Think about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I believe cheating, for military personnel, can lead to disciplinary action no?
Interesting how the disciplinary action only applies to the soldier. So should the spouse cheat, they still get military benefits in a divorce...Unless they cheat with another soldier.


Also there is this great thing called PATERNITY TEST NOW!!!

Because if that kid is not yours, you take it to a court, and you are off the hook for child support. 
IF you want to stay in that child's life you can, but you will be paying child support. And remember, you aren't making those checks out to the child, but to the mom. She decides how to spend it. You can't trust her to not F-around on you, can you trust her to spend it on the child?

Also, if worst comes to worse and it is mot your kid, STOP ALL CONTACT!
This is a legal reason. If you go to court, and you're enraged and don't want to be the father, if you stop all contact and refuse to acknowledge the child, you can not be held for child support assuming you paternity test. 
If you continue to act like a father, after knowing you are not the father, you become the father! 

The courts are not designed to be fair, or be right. They just exist. 


As for wanting to cheat on your wife:
I have yet to see a revenge affair work in someone's favor. My dad cheated first, and did a false reconciliation and was still cheating. My mom didn't cheat. What does that tell me? She had morals. 

Personally, if I were you:
Don't even bother with the polygraph. I would file for divorce, and go full steam. And I'd get a paternity test. Polygraphs can be fooled or wrong, however unlikely. Paternity test can't, because they are based on measurable DNA. 
Then if she wanted to play hardball, I'd play it better. 
For example, I'd meet with all the top divorce lawyers. Sure, it might cost $2000, but when she wants a shark attorney, she'll have trouble finding one because all of them were a consultant for you and can't take her on for a client. It would be illegal.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

If you're military, don't cheat. If she finds out about it and she reports you, you'll be subject to the UCMJ and you could end up in the Brig or the Stockade. If you're an O, they'll probably rug sweep it and transfer you to another unit on another base, but that violation is going to go with you and good luck on making rank after that!

Divorce her. And do it now before you get deployed for 6 months.


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

That damn Jody. No not even Jody, you weren't even out when it happened.

Like has been said before, do not cheat as revenge. It may feel good to get back at her, but in the long run it can really harm your career.

Her infidelity can risk your life even. I know you can compartmentalize your feelings when on mission, but trust me, you don't want it to come up when in danger. So you need to get yourself free. It's bad enough for service men to think something might be going on back home without proof of it ever happening before, it's even a big joke amongst the grunts like I was. You've got to get yourself free and healthy.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yep, crossbar is right. Military rules are different from civilian rules, you know that already. If you're in pilot training, you are an officer and thus much more is expected of you than this, and you know that too. Be a man, be a leader, and handle this a different way.

Yes I'd suggest the paternity test. With that said, even if I found out my child wasn't really mine, I know I couldn't walk away from her. So why test you might ask? Because if it weren't my child, then I damn sure wouldn't be willing to write a big check to the mother for the rest of the child's life. I'm offer to still stay involved, support the child directly, on my terms. (Like paying for baseball team, summer camps, tutoring, stuff for school, etc.)

Another unfortunate reality for military folks, is that the rate of adultery is much higher. Almost as unfortunate, for spouses who DON'T cheat on their deployed spouses, they are often subjected to enormous suspicion and distrust because of the fact that adultery rates are so high in that group. So as a military man, the need to trust your wife is much more important than in a civilian marriage.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

crossbar said:


> If you're military, don't cheat. If she finds out about it and she reports you, you'll be subject to the UCMJ and you could end up in the Brig or the Stockade. If you're an O, they'll probably rug sweep it and transfer you to another unit on another base, but that violation is going to go with you and good luck on making rank after that!
> 
> Divorce her. And do it now before you get deployed for 6 months.


:iagree:
:iagree:


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If you had to have a talk with her about boundaries and her behavior before you got married, IMO you should have put the marriage off because her actions told you she wasn't ready to be a wife. 

Now you find out she had an affair and your married to her and now your thinking about having your own is a really stupid idea.

Look friend. If you want to date and sleep with other females then get a divorce. Your in the military and cheating will get your ass in deep trouble. Think with your big head instead of your little one. 

If your not happy then bail out and start over. Why stoop to her level and hurt your career. It comes down to trust and if your gut says you can't trust her then file and be done with it. 

What she did was not your fault and having a revenge affair is not the answer. The only thing that will come out of it will be that you cut off your nose to spite your face. Just end it and move on.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Dollars to doughnuts she cheats while you're gone.


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