# Problems with my mom: communication vs control



## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

Today my mom and I had an altercation regarding family photos. I usually avoid confrontation, so to have engaged in one with my mom is significant for me. Our personalities are polar opposite. I am quite laid back and reserved, she is very black and white and bold in all things.

We had planned to do family photos today, to include my folks, my sister's family and my family. We only have my stepson every other weekend, so we'd planned photos 6 weeks in advance with the photographer to accommodate everyone. Last night, at my brother-in-law's request because he is too busy with work, we rescheduled for 2 weeks when my stepson would return.

This morning my stepson arrived, and my husband and I talked about possibly going ahead with our part of the family photos (something I insist on for us every fall anyway - the extended family inclusion is new). I am friends with the photographer so i texted her and asked about the possibility, and she was thrilled to shoot us today.

Now where I live, we have very harsh winters and a lot of snow, and we are lucky to see my stepson every few months, until the snow melts. We are nearly upon that time of the year. So my husband and I decided to go through with today because we are not certain he will actually make it down next weekend. To which concern, my mom had said "we'll just have to go ahead without him if he doesn't make it in 2 weeks." Due to the importance of family photos to me, i was unwilling to possibly miss him, so I was convinced to proceed today.

I texted my mom that we were continuing with photos as we left for the shoot. She insisted I call her afterwards because she had questions. So I did. We got into an awful fight. She insisted that i made this all about me, and to inform her that I was continuing with photos right before the appointment was shady and a lack of communication. I told her it didn't matter because we were planning to show up in 2 weeks anyway, I just wanted to make sure my stepson was in our photos, as there are no guarantees he'll be here in 2 weeks, and that didn't matter to anyone else anyway.

I just feel like her need for such close and constant communication about this is leaning towards controlling. And her anger about my not giving her notice that we were continuing seems unwarranted. Or am I just completely selfish? I am so utterly flabbergasted. Ugh. Anyone else have these parental issues?

I'm 31, and have 4 kids, have been married for 4 years.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Including your step son in the families photo is more important than anything your mom will ever say or feel about it. Your step son is what matters.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your mom is a control freak.Do not under any circumstances get into an altercation with her.
TELL HER what YOU are doing with regards to anything in your life.Do not discuss it,do not compromise.
As Nike says,just do it.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*...I usually avoid confrontation, so to have engaged in one with my mom is significant for me. Our personalities are polar opposite. I am quite laid back and reserved, she is very black and white and bold in all things...*

Sounds like she is not used to you standing up for what is important to you. You are an adult whose explanation to us seems to be reasonable. Could she have misunderstood your text and thought you were doing this instead of in two weeks?

Guess not since she escalated into a fight after you explained. You do realize that you did not have to notify her that you were doing your family in a first session and the extended fam in the second session--she'd not necessarily have known the difference until later. Does she often insist that you call her, interfere with your plans, put you down for your decisions? I see no reason for you to feel guilty, especially since brother-in-law was so busy he upset total family plans.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

Thanks for the input, folks. I'm so glad to know I wasn't out of line.

@sunsetmist: Thanks for your support. There is a lot of truth to your post. And especially about my brother in law! It's totally understandable for him to get too busy to have to postpone plans that he's known about for 6 weeks, but not for me to want to continue with said plans to ensure my family photos include my stepson. How does this make sense?

Yes, at first she did misunderstand, thinking I did today's session in lieu of a later one with everyone. The conversation had escalated a bit at that point. However, yes, even after I explained that today was in addition to one with everyone in 2 weeks (as my assurance that my stepson was in our photos, because that is important to us), she continued to fight with me, stating that her problem was not in what I did, but in that I didn't communicate it to her earlier than right before our appointment. To that, I said what's the difference and I don't put that much importance on being on my phone "communicating" to others when I have 3 small children ubder my care 24/7. What was the difference to her whether she found out at 10am or 3pm? According to her, that was the selfish thing I did - not communicating my decision early enough, and then making today's doings all about me and my family. Ugh. Even typing it out is infuriating. 

And yes, she is in constant contact with both my sister and I. I limit it by not being readily available (with 3 small children, phone time is very limited for me). And that's something she often brings up as a weakness of mine - but I don't consider it a weakness, as I'm annoyed by her constant need to be on her phone. When we're together she often interrupts me to answer a text or phone call.

I feel her need for such constant communication is controlling and suffocating sometimes. She makes me feel like I owe it to her in order to be in relationship with her because she's a part of our lives. However, I don't have this problem with anyone else in my life. So it makes me feel like her expectations are unreasonable and unrealistic.

Thanks for the feedback, folks! I don't feel so crazy now.


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