# Husband wants to be alone



## Lost0297

I feel like I'm in a tornado and my world is falling apart. I don't know what to do or how to act.

My husband of 15 years has told me that the "spark" is gone and he wants to live alone for a while to see what life is like. He loves me more than anything, but like a sister. We have two young children. We are best friends, don't fight, and truly enjoy each other's company. Says I'm the best wife/mother anyone could ever want. We have the same values regarding money, raising the kids, etc. There is nothing wrong. He agrees. But feels trapped. I don't get it.

Went through this before, went to counseling, and things got better. But then things just went back (unbeknownst to me). I haven't done anything different; this is all within him. He doesn't want to try counseling again. Just wants to see if this is what he wants, permanently. 

He says he doesn't know whats going to happen. Maybe he'll spend some time alone, miss us and come to his senses, and come home. He's still going to take care of the house (grass, etc) and get the kids to school (I work early). To me, its just the beginning of the end. I'm afraid this new found freedom is going to be attractive to him. 

I've been sick and done nothing but cry. He cries, too. The kids will be devastated. I don't know how to act around him or towards him. I want to push him away to protect myself, but is that going to make it worse? I don't know anything right now.


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## happy as a clam

Ok, so you've tried counseling and it didn't work.

Is there "someone else", another woman, in your hubby's mind and heart?

Start snooping. Look through cell phone records, emails, car mileage, etc.

If he truly is not in love with you anymore (and there is not another woman involved) perhaps it's time to step back and realize that you CANNOT CHANGE or FORCE his feelings.

Might be time to move on...


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## Lost0297

Thats it? Just give up and throw in the towel after 15 years and two kids who adore their father? I know I can not change or force his feelings. I don't know what to do with myself. 

No, I don't think there is someone else. I have asked him repeatedly and I know this sounds naive, but we are always brutally honest with each other. I do think he would tell me.


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## tom67

Lost just to make sure and rule it out first put a voice activated recorder in his car and check his cell phone records.

For him to give up like this not all but most of the time there is someone else in the picture.
Sorry you are here.


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## happy as a clam

Lost0297 said:


> Thats it? Just give up and throw in the towel after 15 years and two kids who adore their father?


No, that's not "just it."

But you cannot whine, beg, plead, grovel, coerce, convince or otherwise change his mind.

All you can do is draw YOUR line in the sand... mark what YOU are willing to put up with. The behaviors (in the context of marriage) that you are willing to accept. If he is determined to live alone, "see what else is out there", then you must be prepared to move forward without him.

He is an adult. You cannot force an adult to do something against their wishes. He is detaching from you. Time you start detaching from him and make him realize all that he will be giving up if he goes this route.

*The one thing you CAN'T do:* Let him sow his wild oats and then return home with his tail tucked between his legs. Because then he knows that you are a doormat and have given him ALL the power. And it will happen again and again and again.

Be strong.


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## WorkingOnMe

Loves you like a sister? How's your sex life?


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## Marduk

He's trapped because he doesn't love you, or there's someone else, or he's not attracted to you any more.

If I were you, I'd be more assertive, throw him out, and let him wonder if you're moving on with someone else. That might clue the guy in.


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## Cynthia

I'm sorry you are going through this.
Most TAM members will tell you there is someone else. It would be a good idea for you to do some snooping to make sure. There is lots of information on how to do that. Here is a thread to help you: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html
If he wants to go his own way, you can beg and plead, but that does not make you look very attractive. It could make things worse. If there is hope of saving the marriage, he needs to see that you can live without him. If he doesn't think he will lose you, he can do whatever feels good to him for the moment, but if he realizes that he may lose you, it gives him more incentive to stay and work it out. There is a way for you to detach, to help you not feel so terrible all the time. It is called "The 180." It can help you to cope and at the same time let him know that you are not going to be walked on and you will not wait around pining after him. Here is a link that explains "The 180." https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
I also recommend that you see an attorney (or 3) asap, so that you know what you are facing should this end in divorce. Knowledge is power. You need to have knowledge of what to do to protect yourself.
Finally, this is hard and you feel terrible. Make sure you are caring for yourself. Make sure you are eating lots of vegetables. Cut out or way back on grains and sugar. Start an exercise program. Go out with friends and take time to nurture yourself. You are going to need strength. It doesn't come out of nowhere, so you have to take care of yourself to build your strength.


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## Hopeful Cynic

Lost0297 said:


> I feel like I'm in a tornado and my world is falling apart. I don't know what to do or how to act.
> 
> My husband of 15 years has told me that the "spark" is gone and he wants to live alone for a while to see what life is like. He loves me more than anything, but like a sister. We have two young children. We are best friends, don't fight, and truly enjoy each other's company. *Says I'm the best wife*/mother anyone could ever want. We have the same values regarding money, raising the kids, etc. There is nothing wrong. He agrees. But feels trapped. I don't get it.


If you're the best wife, why doesn't he want to stay? He's just telling you meaningless words.



Lost0297 said:


> Went through this before, went to counseling, and things got better. But then things just went back (unbeknownst to me). I haven't done anything different; this is all within him. He doesn't want to try counseling again. Just wants to see if this is what he wants, permanently.
> 
> He says he doesn't know whats going to happen. Maybe he'll spend some time alone, miss us and come to his senses, and come home. He's still going to take care of the house (grass, etc) and get the kids to school (I work early). To me, its just the beginning of the end. I'm afraid this new found freedom is going to be attractive to him.
> 
> I've been sick and done nothing but cry. He cries, too. The kids will be devastated. I don't know how to act around him or towards him. I want to push him away to protect myself, but is that going to make it worse? I don't know anything right now.


Once he moves out, the marriage is over. Actually, the marriage was over the day he decided he didn't want counselling anymore. He was just too much of a coward to tell you back then. He's just telling you these meaningless words now in an attempt to avoid dealing with hurting you.

And I have to be honest with you, most men don't move out without some other woman waiting in the wings. Has he ever been alone before after being the dumper? Or did he always move from relationship to relationship?

Most people don't realize the 'spark' is gone in their marriage until they find it again with a new partner and do a comparison of their feelings. What many people don't realize is that the spark naturally dwindles over time in a relationship as deeper contentment love replaces limerence. It takes hard work to maintain spark over time.

What he's doing is manipulating you while he compares his feelings. He's making you plan B while he tests plan A, whatever that may be (another woman he knows already, being single and dating, or actually being alone, who knows). Whatever his plan A is turns out to be irrelevant. The important take-home message here is that he is making his marriage plan B. Do you really want to be that low a priority to him?

Tell him your boundaries. Either he stays and works on the marriage, making it his greatest priority, or he moves out permanently and you divorce. Do not tolerate being low priority to the man who vowed otherwise. The 180 is bandied about here - do a little research. It's not designed to get your partner back, it's designed to protect you while you cope with your partner's behaviour. However, sometimes there is a side effect - being strong is more attractive than begging and crying.

How does that saying go? Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option?


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## unbelievable

"He loves me more than anything, but like a sister." He wants out but doesn't want a divorce. Wants to see what's out there (what sex is like....out there, probably with someone he already has in mind). If it doesn't work out, he wants the option to come back home. You are the backup plan. 

If what he's looking for is a relationship that doesn't feel like a brother-sister one, pushing him away or ignoring him would seem to only validate what he already believes (that you are a great mom but not a great romantic/sexual partner...at least, for him. There is a huge difference between appreciating someone and desiring them and feeling desired by them. You may be the ideal mom but he didn't sign up to be married to mom.


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## Lost0297

So what I'm hearing from most of you is that this is over. My fear that this is the beginning of the end is true? 

He says he needs to find out who he is and where he belongs. Swears there is no one else. Tells me we don't know what will happen. He has to do this to find out. Does absence make the heart grow fonder or is that old saying a bunch of BS? 

I saw a counselor by myself. He agreed to go with me next week.


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## Marduk

Lost0297 said:


> So what I'm hearing from most of you is that this is over. My fear that this is the beginning of the end is true?
> 
> He says he needs to find out who he is and where he belongs. Swears there is no one else. Tells me we don't know what will happen. He has to do this to find out. Does absence make the heart grow fonder or is that old saying a bunch of BS?
> 
> I saw a counselor by myself. He agreed to go with me next week.


I'm not saying it's _for sure_ over.

I'm saying that it is _likely_ over. I'm not going to sugar coat that.

Your best shot -- in my opinion, your only shot -- is to do the 180 as described above. The worst thing you can do is keep him comfortable and safe knowing that he can explore singledom and still come running back to you.

As I said, I think there are 3 options, or some combination thereof:
He doesn't love you any more, he's in love with someone else, or he's not attracted to you any more.

All of which is fixable. But probably not by chasing him or being nice about it.


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## Evinrude58

Lost0297 said:


> So what I'm hearing from most of you is that this is over. My fear that this is the beginning of the end is true?
> 
> He says he needs to find out who he is and where he belongs. Swears there is no one else. Tells me we don't know what will happen. He has to do this to find out. Does absence make the heart grow fonder or is that old saying a bunch of BS?
> 
> I saw a counselor by myself. He agreed to go with me next week.


Ask yourself some questions:

Does he stay on his smart phone a lot and would he let you explore it?
Are there any sudden changes recently in your sex life? Is there a sex life?
So what about what he swears. Didn't he swear he's love you the rest of his life when he married you? Does he work out more lately? Wear new clothes? Unaccounted for time?

Personally, yes, as hard as it is to hear, I think it you are correct in that this is the beginning of the end of your relationship based on how you describe what he's told you. BUT, don't be foolish and think he is the only one on the planet. There are a huge number of men out there that are looking for a good person. My ex placed all the blame for her cheating on me--- yours is apparently not placing blame on you for anything, so maybe he is not cheating. Just look up "signs of a cheating spouse" and see if anything matches up. I think there is a good chance of an emotional affair or physical affair, or both. That's what makes people lose their "feelings" for someone that treats them good.
JMO


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## Cynthia

Lost0297 said:


> So what I'm hearing from most of you is that this is over. My fear that this is the beginning of the end is true?
> 
> He says he needs to find out who he is and where he belongs. Swears there is no one else. Tells me we don't know what will happen. He has to do this to find out. Does absence make the heart grow fonder or is that old saying a bunch of BS?
> 
> I saw a counselor by myself. He agreed to go with me next week.


He is telling you:
* He wants to be able to do whatever he wants
* He isn't in love with you
* He sees you more like a sister, which is the opposite of sexual. Only a complete perv wants to have sex with his sibling, so he is saying a lot in telling you he sees you like a sister.

Do you two have a sex life? Can you tell us a little about how it was to begin with and how it is now in comparison?

He also promised to love, honor, and be faithful for life - right? Weren't those your marriage vows? Now he's telling you he needs to "find himself." He can look in the mirror and there he is - found! He should be able to explore who he is without leaving his wife.

I wouldn't put any stock into him agreeing to see a counselor with you. Lots of people do that, so they don't have to say they want a divorce all by themselves. They want the counselor to help their spouse deal with it, rather than taking that responsibility for themselves.

Your husband is telling you that your marriage is over. He may not have said it in so many words, but that's what he's saying. You chose whether you are going to grovel or stand up and not be dishonored. You are not a yoyo that he can come back to if he feels like it and if things don't work out for him. As long as he sees you as waiting around for him, he will feel free to do whatever he pleases. He is playing with your emotions. Time to take charge of yourself and decide what you are going to do with a man who has checked out.

Sometimes a strong response from a spouse saying they are not going to be walked on and it's either all in or all out will flip the switch in a person's brain and they will want to work on the relationship. Sometimes it takes fear of losing something to know one wants to keep it. Other times, the person realizes that they want out and it ends. You can only control yourself and you really don't want someone who doesn't want you anyway. It's a risk, but well worth it to call his bluff and tell him that you think it would be smarter to stay and work things out, but you are not going to be played, so either work on it or there's the door.


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## Cynthia

By the way, the way that your husband is talking to you and behaving is mean. He is not being loving or kind to let his feelings dictate his life. If he has no control over his emotions, he needs to grow up. Marriage is a long haul. Feelings ebb and flow. The idea to to nurture the relationship and have the other person's back. Running away when he isn't feel "it" is immature and irresponsible. He's being a jerk to you.


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## Lost0297

I read about the 180 and want to give it a try. All I can seem to do, though, is give him the silent treatment. I don't know what to say or do. Its hard to try to act normal, let alone confident. How do you do this? Aren't I pushing him away by ignoring him? I haven't been making his meals or doing anything for him that I normally would.


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## Upanddown

Lost
Im trying to do the 180 too
I think the goal is to make it you and protect you from further hurt or making things worse

We cant control our spouses actions or decisions just ourselves
Trying to analyse will just send you crazy
Time to focus on your welfare and keep at counselling so you know what you need to do 

You wrote that has done this before ive been thru this it is going to be a merry go round 
Time to set boundaries and look after your welfare he obviously has an issue and treating you badly and just giving up is an easy way out



There are a lot of wise people on here that seem to know whats what and that the advice they offer is helpful and sometimes eyeopening

Keep your chin up!

Brad


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## Betrayedone

Lost0297........your life is about to change, and it will be scary....BUT IT WILL BE OK! You will eventually see that things can be better for you than they ever have been. But you are going to go through some crap first and it will suck. What you can do, what you MUST do.....and this is VERY important.........IS TO RECLAIM YOUR POWER and take control of your destiny and don't let him have control and knock you around. Do the 180, think about the direction you want to go and move as quickly as you can in that direction. The faster you can emotionally detach from him the less you will ultimately suffer. You will suffer, however, make no mistake. Part of the grieving process......just don't spend too much time in that place. It will be ok in the end. Trust us.


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## Mr.Fisty

Lost0297 said:


> I read about the 180 and want to give it a try. All I can seem to do, though, is give him the silent treatment. I don't know what to say or do. Its hard to try to act normal, let alone confident. How do you do this? Aren't I pushing him away by ignoring him? I haven't been making his meals or doing anything for him that I normally would.



You have to remember that your husband does not belong to you and is only with you by choice.

That being said, you need boundaries in any relationships. If his withdrawal is hurting you, you protect yourself by disengaging moving on because that is your only option. Guilting them, or making them feel negative emotions will only place a barrier up between the two of you.

The goal of the 180 is for you to be strong and be okay no matter the outcome. Relationships are never guaranteed to last because it at leasts involves another participant. Each with their own feelings and choices.

Asking him to come back will only cause you more pain . I know it is hard because you are heavily attached to him. You want to feel love and cherish, and again it is his decisions to perform those actions. So learn to love yourself and make yourself the priority, because no one else will.

You have to keep reminding yourself to live like your single. Although, there are such things like working out that can help increase mood, health, and mental well-being. Getting about 10 minutes of sunlight a day helps with the sleep cycle, giving you better rest. Spending time with friends and family is also beneficial since it fulfills that social need. Find something new and exciting to do. Slowly, your need for him will decrease because you're adjusting to your new life without him. you are learning what it means to be you again without a relationship.


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## lancaster

Sad. It sounds to me as though your husband is done. You certainly have every right to end the marriage IMO. I would not take him back if I were you. Eventually the pain you are feeling will lessen and you will be able to move on.

I wish you and your children all the best.


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## Evinrude58

Mr feisty had a very good post. I'll second that. You are probably feeling like your whole life is lost, that it's too late to start over, and that there is nobody else out there that will want you. Like you don't want to wake up in the mornings. 
Let me tell you that without any doubt whatsoever, none of that is true. What you're feeling is just the natural reaction that we've all had as a result of a lousy spouse. You absolutely WILL feel better in time. After you get through the first few months, which are excruciatingly painful with no relief, and have accepted that he is gone, you will start feeling exponentially better as weeks go by. You will not notice an improvement for a few months. But it's still going to be there as your mind slowly accepts the change. Eventually you will realize that this happening is better than keeping on living with a man like this. 
Things can't stay this bad for long-- they will get better.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know exactly how it feels.


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## rio

Hopeful Cynic said:


> How does that saying go? Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option?


:iagree:


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## tripad

good wife good kids and he wants to take a break ?

he has plan b on the side most likely . Tos ee if it works and if not to come back to you .

No one in otherwise right mind would crush two children who adore him . Just over a simple I need time away to evaluate . I mean he can tell you he needs time in the evenings to do some hobbies right ? why the need to stay away ? unless there is someone .

having been through a divorce , I had thought my ex was an honest man all along . But OMG the deceit that I discover along the process was in my wildest dream . I then realised I have bluffed for 20 years .

So please dont think that things are brutally honest between you both .

some things you dont know is happening and you should hire a PI if you want to know .

otherwise , just walk away and it ends . easier said . but painful , i know .


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## Lost0297

Thanks for the encouragement, Myselff. That doesn't seem to be the consensus here, though, unfortunately. 

I'm trying to be strong, but I have become a blubbering mess and I can't help it. He keeps telling me we don't know what will happen. I know I am making it easier for him to leave. I can not stop crying.


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## NoChoice

OP,
Ask your H if he likes getting up and going to work everyday. Ask him if he enjoys dental appointments, mowing the lawn, painting the house, cleaning the septic lines. If he says he doesn't mind any of those things tell him great, then tell him to look at his family the same way. Life is about facing responsibility and being happy with what you have. Happiness is not simply a matter of just dropping what you have in favor of different. Happiness is a state of mind wherein you realize that although life may not have given you EXACTLY what you think you want in every area, but it is surely close enough and better than most of us deserve.

If you H feels "trapped" by you and the family, tell him that he made the decision to be H and father and now he needs to step up and be one. Sadly for some, happiness is a quest they follow their whole life to no avail. Tell him his happiness is right there with you and the children, HE just needs to find it.


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## OnTheFly

What issues were raised at the previous counselling sessions, and how were they remedied so that things improved for awhile? 

Your posts are so vague it's hard to get a grasp of the situation. More details are needed if you want more finely-tuned advice.


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## lifeistooshort

He's either got someone else or he wants a chance to find someone else, then if he can't do better he'll come back. Begging does not give you the appearance of being something valuable to be treasured. 

If genders were reversed everyone here would be screaming that there is someone else. A few have pointed this out.

If genders were reversed you'd also be advised to act swiftly and file for divorce right now, and let him see what life is really like without you. Otherwise he'll dither, explore his options, and know that you're his doormat waiting at home. 

It's good advice. Throw him out now and perhaps you'll salvage things. I know it's counterintuitive but it can be effective if there's anything at all to save.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia

It is understandable that you are a crying mess.
At this point, trying to get your husband to turn around is pointless, because you are a wreck. You need to focus on yourself and getting yourself together so you can function for yourself and your children. He is now the least of your worries.
Not cooking for him and not speaking to him may not bring him back, but it does help you maintain your dignity.
In all of your pain and sorrow, all he can tell you is that you don't know what's going to happen. That's pretty lame since you are not crying about what could happen, but what has happened and is currently happening, which is that your husband has checked out on you. He is not living up to his promises and is acting like a flake.


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## Lost0297

"What issues were raised at the previous counselling sessions, and how were they remedied so that things improved for awhile?"

Same issues - we had lost our spark and become like roommates. We put more effort into spending more alone time together, being more physical (hugs, touches), and making time for sex. Talking it out made him realize what a good thing he had and all that he'd be losing. The time, closeness, etc continued, but apparently his lack of feelings came right back.


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## tripad

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Ask your H if he likes getting up and going to work everyday. Ask him if he enjoys dental appointments, mowing the lawn, painting the house, cleaning the septic lines. If he says he doesn't mind any of those things tell him great, then tell him to look at his family the same way. Life is about facing responsibility and being happy with what you have. Happiness is not simply a matter of just dropping what you have in favor of different. Happiness is a state of mind wherein you realize that although life may not have given you EXACTLY what you think you want in every area, but it is surely close enough and better than most of us deserve.
> 
> If you H feels "trapped" by you and the family, tell him that he made the decision to be H and father and now he needs to step up and be one. Sadly for some, happiness is a quest they follow their whole life to no avail. Tell him his happiness is right there with you and the children, HE just needs to find it.



Imo 

All these he should know already . Saying it will get him to think for a minutes extra n ponder . But whatever the "real n unknown reasons " will pull him away again .

How do i know ? 

I said all these to my ex . N said more . " We grow old n kids will grow up n we will be still family . One day you are old , and kids will look after us . You are not immortal . If you leave , you lost the family and when you are old , you will not have your children with you anymore " 

Saying this , there's no difference . He's pulled by " other reason " unless i played family in his way .


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## Hopeful Cynic

Lost0297 said:


> I'm trying to be strong, but I have become a blubbering mess and I can't help it. He keeps telling me we don't know what will happen. I know I am making it easier for him to leave. I can not stop crying.


It's okay to be a big blubbering mess. Your life as you knew and planned it has come crashing down and it's hard to cope with. Just don't let him SEE you be a blubbering mess. Walk away.

You aren't making it easier to leave by crying non-stop. A man who truly loved you would do everything in his power to end the reason for your tears. If he leaves because you are crying it means he's a coward who doesn't want to acknowledge that he caused those tears.

Also, he's only telling you he doesn't know what will happen because he is trying to soften the blow, giving you false hope so he doesn't have to see your tears. He knows what he wants, and it's to not live with you anymore. A man who thought there was hope for the marriage would work on it from within.

If he wants to leave, kick him out. A big part of your pain right now comes from feeling like you have no control over the whole situation. End your awful limbo yourself instead of waiting for a decision from him. Once he's gone, it will be easier to become stronger. If he does come back, think hard about how badly you want this to happen again in a year or so. Because he won't be coming back because he truly loved you. He would only be coming back because your bad marriage was still better than being alone, or, worst case scenario, your bad marriage was better than his affair turned out to be. Also, don't feel defensive when I say you had a 'bad' marriage. You may have felt it was a pretty good marriage, but obviously he doesn't agree. When one spouse thinks it's a bad marriage, it's a bad marriage.


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## VeryHurt

Dear Lost 0297 ~

You are like my little sister. Reading your thread was reliving my life. I "liked" practically every post. I joined TAM in 2011 and I wish I took the advice of these wonderful people back then.
I have been in your shoes. I KNOW what you are going through. 

Please listen to me and I will spare you years of torment.

I spent nearly 7 YEARS in limbo. 
I did the 180, the 280 and the 380. 
I was a "doormat." 
I was Plan B and C. 
I cried so much my eyes swelled closed. 

*LET. HIM. GO.*

Read and reread the 180 and STICK TO IT. 

Don't let him see you cry.

Act like you don't give a SH!T about him. 

Trust me, you will NOT push him away. He already informed you that he wants his SPACE.

So, give him his space. Let him go. 

Begging will NOT work.

Trying to make him feel differently WILL NOT work. 

It would be like you hitting your head against the proverbial wall. 

I am in the midst of a divorce after 32.5 years of marriage. 
I am 60 years old.

I got the "sister" speech.

I got the "I need time alone" crap.

I got the I am "not attracted to you anymore."

There may or may not be someone else. Does it matter right now?

In my case there was an OW and he has gone back and forth between us for nearly 7 years. I allowed it. She allowed it. 

I was a fool. An idiot. A doormat. 
I lost my self-esteem. 
I lost my self-confidence.

He lost his "spark" for me once he was with the OW. 

BTW: He is now back with the OW.

Please Lost, let him go.

Please don't allow him to hurt you like my STBX hurt me.

Don't let him steal your soul.

Be Strong !!!

Very Hurt


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## tripad

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Lost0297 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I'm trying to be strong, but I have become a blubbering mess and I can't help it. He keeps telling me we don't know what will happen. I know I am making it easier for him to leave. I can not stop crying.
> 
> 
> 
> It's okay to be a big blubbering mess. Your life as you knew and planned it has come crashing down and it's hard to cope with. Just don't let him SEE you be a blubbering mess. Walk away.
> 
> You aren't making it easier to leave by crying non-stop. A man who truly loved you would do everything in his power to end the reason for your tears. If he leaves because you are crying it means he's a coward who doesn't want to acknowledge that he caused those tears.
> 
> Also, he's only telling you he doesn't know what will happen because he is trying to soften the blow, giving you false hope so he doesn't have to see your tears. He knows what he wants, and it's to not live with you anymore. A man who thought there was hope for the marriage would work on it from within.
> 
> If he wants to leave, kick him out. A big part of your pain right now comes from feeling like you have no control over the whole situation. End your awful limbo yourself instead of waiting for a decision from him. Once he's gone, it will be easier to become stronger. If he does come back, think hard about how badly you want this to happen again in a year or so. Because he won't be coming back because he truly loved you. He would only be coming back because your bad marriage was still better than being alone, or, worst case scenario, your bad marriage was better than his affair turned out to be. Also, don't feel defensive when I say you had a 'bad' marriage. You may have felt it was a pretty good marriage, but obviously he doesn't agree. When one spouse thinks it's a bad marriage, it's a bad marriage.
Click to expand...

Agree

My ex told me that too

Dont know what will happen 

I felt control when i divorced him .

He was shock and ask if i want him back , i should beg n receive him like king !!!!!!

No . My decision set . My ship had sail .

Who is the loser now ?


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## aine

Lost, sorry this is happening to you.
Marriage is not meant to be all sparks all the time, it is about commitment even in the down times, your husband sounds immature and selfish and is most likely engaged in an 
affair with someone else or on the brink of one. Rarely do men walk out on families unless there is someone else, even if they are in the middle of mid life crisis.

How old are your children? Do you work?

1. You have to do the 180, to protect yourself - pls find a link here how it works The 180 | AFFAIRCARE
2. Let him see you can continue life without him, don't beg, cry, blubber (tough to do, but do it alone)
3. Contact a lawyer and get all your ducks in a row, financial, see what your rights are etc
4. Do you work, have you got your own financial support? You may want to consider getting a job if you don't already have one.
5. Contact your family and friends, his friends and tell them what is happening, blow his selfishness out of the water, (he will be angry, let him, a grown ass man needs to be responsible, he is not a teenager!). 
6. get yourself some IC and a group of friends/family for support
7. Some have suggested doing some investigative work, you should, to see if he is having an A he may have hidden it well.

You need to show your H that you can move on and be a whole complete person without him. He is only thinking about himself. If you put all of this into action, you may not want him back, you need a man who is there for you and your kids not one that pursues his own selfish desires. Let him see what he is about to lose.


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## tripad

Yes

Show your children what is strength n love .

My kids tell me that every now n then 

They pick up that character traits from me . when i tell them to preserve in their studies , they understood n are doing it


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## Evinrude58

VeryHurt said:


> Dear Lost 0297 ~
> 
> You are like my little sister. Reading your thread was reliving my life. I "liked" practically every post. I joined TAM in 2011 and I wish I took the advice of these wonderful people back then.
> I have been in your shoes. I KNOW what you are going through.
> 
> Please listen to me and I will spare you years of torment.
> 
> I spent nearly 7 YEARS in limbo.
> I did the 180, the 280 and the 380.
> I was a "doormat."
> I was Plan B and C.
> I cried so much my eyes swelled closed.
> 
> *LET. HIM. GO.*
> 
> Read and reread the 180 and STICK TO IT.
> 
> Don't let him see you cry.
> 
> Act like you don't give a SH!T about him.
> 
> Trust me, you will NOT push him away. He already informed you that he wants his SPACE.
> 
> So, give him his space. Let him go.
> 
> Begging will NOT work.
> 
> Trying to make him feel differently WILL NOT work.
> 
> It would be like you hitting your head against the proverbial wall.
> 
> I am in the midst of a divorce after 32.5 years of marriage.
> I am 60 years old.
> 
> I got the "sister" speech.
> 
> I got the "I need time alone" crap.
> 
> I got the I am "not attracted to you anymore."
> 
> There may or may not be someone else. Does it matter right now?
> 
> In my case there was an OW and he has gone back and forth between us for nearly 7 years. I allowed it. She allowed it.
> 
> I was a fool. An idiot. A doormat.
> I lost my self-esteem.
> I lost my self-confidence.
> 
> He lost his "spark" for me once he was with the OW.
> 
> BTW: He is now back with the OW.
> 
> Please Lost, let him go.
> 
> Please don't allow him to hurt you like my STBX hurt me.
> 
> Don't let him steal your soul.
> 
> Be Strong !!!
> 
> Very Hurt


It hurts so badly to accept it. I was told pretty much the same thing about my wife and the only thing I regret is losing my dignity by letting her treat my like poo and relish all the power over me she had. What she has written is terribly true. Words of wisdom. Listen and put it into action if you're strong enough. This is the way to go, regardless of what you want the outcome to be.


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## Lost0297

I've reread all of your posts and I'm starting to see it. Thank you.

To answer some of your questions, yes, I do work. In fact, I make more than him. Our kids are 8 and 5. So sad. Sex life? Thats the problem. He is a horndog and I am not. I am a plain Jane and he needs spice, apparently. This has always been an issue. I am perfect in every way except when it comes to sex. 

We are putting our house (single family) up for sale due to financial issues. We got in over our heads. I know this adds to stress. Looking into a townhome so we can have extra money to actually live and do things. Been living paycheck to paycheck for years. He says he already sees this as exciting as we'll be able to go places and do things. But he's still leaving to "decide". So we will sell and move either together or separately, but either way, we are moving.

I know its bull****. I am looking at homes with the mindset that I will be there without him. I am beginning to have my doubts and need to prepare. Making progress, but still a crying mess. I didn't want this for my kids. I wanted them to have what I had. My parents are 80 and still together. We live in a fairly affluent area. Now I'm a single mom in a townhome, my kids facing divorce. 

I ask him repeatedly if this "test" is just prolonging the inevitable. If so, lets just rip the band aid off. This is torture. Says he knows that I may even decide to not take him back. I'm starting to think that. I do deserve better. Although the thought of a relationship with anyone just makes me want to vomit. I am bitter and done.

Thanks for all of your support.


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## tripad

Good that you are making more than him . Kick the loser out . Let the horndog find his b*tch . 

You are not plain jane . You are a normal lady with work and family commitments . And sex can be lesser with all that commitment .

I bet he doesnt do much at home to help out ? That's why he can be a horndog .


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## GusPolinski

Affair.


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## Evinrude58

Agreed, no other explanation.


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## aine

Lost0297 said:


> I've reread all of your posts and I'm starting to see it. Thank you.
> 
> To answer some of your questions, yes, I do work. In fact, I make more than him. Our kids are 8 and 5. So sad. Sex life? Thats the problem. He is a horndog and I am not. I am a plain Jane and he needs spice, apparently. This has always been an issue. I am perfect in every way except when it comes to sex.
> 
> We are putting our house (single family) up for sale due to financial issues. We got in over our heads. I know this adds to stress. Looking into a townhome so we can have extra money to actually live and do things. Been living paycheck to paycheck for years. He says he already sees this as exciting as we'll be able to go places and do things. But he's still leaving to "decide". So we will sell and move either together or separately, but either way, we are moving.
> 
> I know its bull****. I am looking at homes with the mindset that I will be there without him. I am beginning to have my doubts and need to prepare. Making progress, but still a crying mess. I didn't want this for my kids. I wanted them to have what I had. My parents are 80 and still together. We live in a fairly affluent area. Now I'm a single mom in a townhome, my kids facing divorce.
> 
> I ask him repeatedly if this "test" is just prolonging the inevitable. If so, lets just rip the band aid off. This is torture. Says he knows that I may even decide to not take him back. I'm starting to think that. I do deserve better. Although the thought of a relationship with anyone just makes me want to vomit. I am bitter and done.
> 
> Thanks for all of your support.


You dont have to start thinking about relationships with other people right now, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Stay strong and focused for yourself and kids.


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## tripad

Lost

Yes stay strong for the children 

They need you to be strong 

You can cry and complain and vent here 

Much as we dont know you , we went thro the same sh*t .

Affair or not , imo , doesn't matter anymore .

He has made his choice to leave wife and kids .

Just get whatever money support n divorce him.

Never let his sorry *ss climb back in again when he is done with his b*tch .

Dont show your girls how to be someone's back up plan


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## Lost0297

I am on such a roller coaster right now I can't take it. I truly don't know how to handle all of this. You say go do things that make me happy. What? When? My day is spent taking care of the kids and house (I'm a teacher and off for the summer). I don't really have any friends. The few I have are busy with their families. I just sit on the computer and read about divorce, separation, and this forum. I cry and cry and cry. I can't function. My home is in a state of disarray. I can't get out of bed in the morning because I wake up with this gut wrenching feeling and my chest literally hurts. I keep trying to sleep to make it go away. It doesn't. I am living a nightmare. 

I would love to "kick him out", but right now our finances are joint. He's waiting on some money in a couple of weeks to pay for an apartment. That will only last him a couple of months. We still have this house to pay for. We can't afford this house and an apartment (another reason to sell our house) and I am not going to leave him on the street. I am not that kind of person. He is my children's father and they love him dearly. They have no idea of whats to come. It breaks my heart. And although we are not really speaking now, we got along fine before this. 

How do people do this?? How do these poor innocent children cope? Pretty soon they are going to be moved from their home, forced to change schools, and Daddy won't be living with us. Its my kids I hurt for the most.


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## Mr.Fisty

Sorry, did not grow up like you did. My father was an abusive alcoholic so I really do not know what a good father is like.

Children can be resilient, and it depends on the attitude of the both of you. As long as you both are developing your children in a nurturing environment, paying attention to their emotional and mental health, they should be fine.

What really is detrimental during divorce is the two parents will use the children like pawns to score hits against one another.

You are going through the grieving process. Loss is loss.

Take a deep breath. Your constantly focusing on the negative and you end up stuck. That does not help your children nor yourself.

There is plenty you can do to improve yourself. Start by working out, especially in the morning. Getting at least 10 minutes of sunlight is beneficial for the sleep cycle. It helps releases melatonin .

You may also need to see a therapist, your thoughts are spiraling downwards, and some antidepressants may be needed as a crutch for the moment.

I understand you want to give the best life for your children, but what is more important is their environment, and you are also a factor in that. They are learning behavior from you and your husband. You allowing your life and mental health to spiral downwards is also detrimental to your children.

Also, you can go online and find new hobbies or activities to make new friends. Focusing on the things you need to take care of is something else you can do. If money is an issue, plan and learn to thrift, coupons, or see what programs are out there that can help provide temporary relief.

Instead of focusing on things you cannot change, focus on what you can do to improve your situation.

Hey, I came from an abusive home, moved around a lot, and I am doing well. I did well in spite of my circumstances. I had other role models that made up for the lack of parental ones.

Just being an open door, and allowing your children to talk openly with you is helpful. If they sense that you are depressed, lack energy, they might be reticent of talking or asking for your support because you, yourself, is a mess. You cannot fully be there for your children when you are in a state as you are in. Sure you can provide food, shelter, but being able to handle their emotions, and being a role model, is difficult in your depressed state.


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## tripad

Lost0297 said:


> I am on such a roller coaster right now I can't take it. I truly don't know how to handle all of this. You say go do things that make me happy. What? When? My day is spent taking care of the kids and house (I'm a teacher and off for the summer). I don't really have any friends. The few I have are busy with their families. I just sit on the computer and read about divorce, separation, and this forum. I cry and cry and cry. I can't function. My home is in a state of disarray. I can't get out of bed in the morning because I wake up with this gut wrenching feeling and my chest literally hurts. I keep trying to sleep to make it go away. It doesn't. I am living a nightmare.
> 
> I would love to "kick him out", but right now our finances are joint. He's waiting on some money in a couple of weeks to pay for an apartment. That will only last him a couple of months. We still have this house to pay for. We can't afford this house and an apartment (another reason to sell our house) and I am not going to leave him on the street. I am not that kind of person. He is my children's father and they love him dearly. They have no idea of whats to come. It breaks my heart. And although we are not really speaking now, we got along fine before this.
> 
> How do people do this?? How do these poor innocent children cope? Pretty soon they are going to be moved from their home, forced to change schools, and Daddy won't be living with us. Its my kids I hurt for the most.


hey I understand 

went through all that sh!t too .

I actually sat down n reprogram and reprogram all my activities and found time . explain to kids now they have to be independent so mummy can have some time to rest and exercise . first priority to exercise to get back the energy . and I did . so i looked smoking hot now . Now I even brought my kids onto tracks for runs together :grin2:


The finances will take a while but slowly you will arrange and re prioritize . in my case I ramp up my work after I work on establishing a homework routine for my kids and repeating to them the need for them to be obedient and independent . It is not easy , took me half a year . During that half year , i think and plan how to ramp up my business . I am in the teaching business too , private classes . The moment my children were ready , I started and my business and income tripled . So I dont even need my ex's support anymore .

easier said than done , LOST 0297 . This process took me a year to think prepare and take off and another half year to establish that income . plus a lot of tears and tears .

You will arrive at a better place . just look towards the end of the tunnel .

The children will be fine if you are fine I was repeatedly told this by my lawyer who was trying to encourage me . I kept telling myself that everyday , every moment .

I told my kids one day , Mr Obama comes from a single mum family and they were really motivated by that and asked for other successful man from single mum . N in my country , the president scholar last year was interviewed and he proudly said he thanked his single mum and he narrated his tough days as a child and how hard his mum worked . Today his mum is a successful entrepreneur in education business .

kids in tough environment grow up faster but they will learn sensibility faster . I grow up tough too . of course as a mum , we want to shelter our kids and protect their innocence . But with such things happening not of our doing , the next best thing is to get the children to cope with life . It is a powerful skill to have for the future as life has never been promised to be smooth . I told my boys that . With this , i tell them what they must look out for in friends , in marriage when they grow up . But you deliver the motivational talk when you strengthen up so it is more convincing .

My kids are doing fine . They are in fact improving in their results and behaviour . Even the teachers told me that !!!! They have no idea the two boys just went through their parents' divorce .

It is long journey . Have faith you will come out the other side . You will . we did .


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## Evinrude58

My story is similar to yours. I am in your profession. 
I lost 35 lbs. in two months. I didn't want to eat. Yes, you are going to cry a LOT. DO IT! I thought my life was a nightmare, too. I started HAVING nightmares. Seeing her made me want to cry. It still hurts to see her. Seeing her take her stuff out of the house.... Only having my kids every other week. On and on. Yes, it's awful. I can just tell you it gets better. You will think it never will. I promise you it does. But the first few months are what's so bad. The not knowing is the worst. Your husband has done the worst possible thing to you. He won't tell you one way or the other, for HIS benefit. He doesn't want you. If he comes back, in some amount of time, it will likely be the same old stuff in the future. I didn't want a divorce. My wife started staying on the phone constantly. Said she was on facebook. She was actually sexting and sending pics to other men. She said the typical: I'm not attracted to you anymore, I don't love you, you're a bad husband, there's no other man, etc. etc. I don't drink, gamble, smoke, do drugs, don't cheat, no major problems. I am a little selfish on my time a couple of months a year when the fishing is good. I don't waste money or go in debt for junk items. I'm just a normal guy. It was HER. My point is it's not you most likely and from what you describe he's said, it's HIM.

You feel like your life is over. That your dreams of having a home for the kids to come back to on holidays when they're older with the grandkids to see you and your husband are shot. The consistency for you and your kids is also shot to heck. Your financial situation is in ruins. Your chest feels like an anvil is sitting on it all the time. You likely have panic attacks where you just want to run away and hide in your bed, wherever you are. You constantly wonder why this had to happen, when just a few months ago you were both apparently happy and things were going along fine. You regret not doing this or that. It's NOT YOUR FAULT! I was having sex every night with my ex, up until the day I had to ask her to leave because she was still having internet relationships and who knows what else with other men. She told me she was going to stop all that. I heard a voice recording on voxer of 4 different men in which she said the same thing. "The crap has hit the fan, and I'm going to be off for a while until this blows over". That was 4 days after I found out after 2 months of telling me she wanted a divorce and it was ALL MY FAULT. Telling me that there was no other men or anything else. She just was not happy because I didn't do this and that and because I fished too much and this and that and didn't give her enough attn. I had to find out on my own, when I told her every day for two weeks that I felt like there was something she wasn't telling me. She had no intention of stopping that stuff. Whatever the reason your husband wants to leave- I personally think it's likely an affair of some sort, possibly just emotional, he wants to and doesn't love you anymore and sees you in a different way, not as his wife. I hope I'm wrong.
Google Signs of a cheating spouse, and see how many fit your husband. If I were you, it would help me get closure if I knew he was a cheater. There's no other reason if things seem fine and all of a sudden he wants to leave, unless he's involved in drugs, crime, or cheating.
I wish somehow I could take a little of your pain. I know exactly how it feels. 
JMO


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## aine

Grief is a cycle, you are now at the beginning stages and crying is a huge part of it, anger will come and with it the impetus to get up and move. 

However, as many have already posted you have to be strong for your kids they are still very young. You have to plan activities, out of the house. Limit the time on the internet searching about divorce, etc it will only make you more miserable. You visit here when you want to 'talk." but do not spend hours as it will bring you down further. Get out of the house as much as possible. Now is the time to make friends, join a club, join a support group, go to the gym, locate a good child minder, etc. Plan what you are going to do each day and what you are going to do for yourself. You need to do this to help yourself. 

You should also consider IC just for you. Do not worry about your husband and whether he has a home or not, you would not be in this position except for his selfishness, you only think of you and the children, you now have to be selfish and to a certain extent ruthless. What your WH is doing to you and your kids is beyond ruthless. He is no longer your friend, your life long partner, your lover, your soulmate, your rock, etc, he threw you and the kids under the bus, remember this and change your response towards him. You can be cordial but you have to use the 180 and start detaching emotionally, it is the only thing that will get your through this. 

I know it is hard and soul destroying but time will heal your emotions, you will be able to face each day more positively and one day you will wake up and know you got through. You can do this.


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## Lost0297

Mornings are the worst. I feel like I can't face the day. I wake up shaking with anxiety. I know I have to be strong. Easier said than done. I feel like such a failure. Failure in marriage, mostly a failure to my kids, disappointment to my family. Mine will be the first divorce ever in my side of the family. 

Evenings are easier as I look forward to drowning myself in TV for a bit then going to sleep and it all goes away. Only to start again. How long will this stage last??


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## tripad

Yes aine

Agreed 

Ruthless to him

He threw the family under the bus 

He can sleep on streets or eat from garbage . N you should walk past him .

Think only for kids n yourself .

He had not considered you n kids when he did what he did . Remember that


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## Evinrude58

The worst of mine lasted about 4-6 months. It was so bad, I don't like to think too hard to get the time straight. Not knowing, being in limbo like I figure you are, was the worst. Don't let yourself be put there. I know the failure feeling. It's all a mixture of emotions that is beyond bearable. But you WILL feel better, no matter what. You will get past it. Just know that it takes a while to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it will appear.


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## Cynthia

Lost0297 said:


> I am on such a roller coaster right now I can't take it. I truly don't know how to handle all of this. You say go do things that make me happy. What? When? My day is spent taking care of the kids and house (I'm a teacher and off for the summer). I don't really have any friends. The few I have are busy with their families. I just sit on the computer and read about divorce, separation, and this forum. I cry and cry and cry. I can't function. My home is in a state of disarray. I can't get out of bed in the morning because I wake up with this gut wrenching feeling and my chest literally hurts. I keep trying to sleep to make it go away. It doesn't. I am living a nightmare.
> 
> I would love to "kick him out", but right now our finances are joint. He's waiting on some money in a couple of weeks to pay for an apartment. That will only last him a couple of months. We still have this house to pay for. We can't afford this house and an apartment (another reason to sell our house) and I am not going to leave him on the street. I am not that kind of person. He is my children's father and they love him dearly. They have no idea of whats to come. It breaks my heart. And although we are not really speaking now, we got along fine before this.
> 
> How do people do this?? How do these poor innocent children cope? Pretty soon they are going to be moved from their home, forced to change schools, and Daddy won't be living with us. Its my kids I hurt for the most.


Get off the computer. You are spending too much time reading marriage problems and divorce. Refocus you attention to what you are going to do to cope. Get stronger before you start reading up on the legalities of divorce. Prepare to sell the house.
Not having friends is unhealthy. We all need people in real life who we are supportive of and who support us. Are you close to your family and do they live nearby? 
Have you had any hobbies that you'd like to get back to? That is a good way to meet people. Do you attend church? There are lots of things to do and get involved with at church, plus they have things for the kids to do while you are there.
Your husband should not be your entire life. Start working on getting healthy and fit and making friends. Stop dwelling on what is wrong in your life. It has consumed you. It doesn't have to be that way.


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## VeryHurt

Lost0297 said:


> Mornings are the worst. I feel like I can't face the day. I wake up shaking with anxiety. I know I have to be strong. Easier said than done. I feel like such a failure. Failure in marriage, mostly a failure to my kids, disappointment to my family. Mine will be the first divorce ever in my side of the family.
> 
> Evenings are easier as I look forward to drowning myself in TV for a bit then going to sleep and it all goes away. Only to start again. How long will this stage last??


Lost ~

I will not lie to you. It will get worse before it gets better. I too have anxiety in the mornings and it is a horrible feeling. Try to get up and out as bed as soon as you can to distract the feeling. Crying helps. Seeking a therapist helps. If you need an antidepressant, don't fight it. Keep moving. Talk to family and friends. Eat well. Try to sleep.

The above will help you but the real healer is 
*TIME AND ACCEPTANCE.
*
Thinking about you.

VH


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## TiredHubby2791

Does he suffer from severe depression? There may be another interest in his life. (Sorry). Either way, you cannot force it, so put on your big girl pants, wish him well, and begin to move on with your life. You deserve to be happy.


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## turnera

So what did you find when you checked his phone records? What one number you don't know did you find 100s of times in his texting history? What did you learn when you put a keylogger on his computer? What do you hear when you put the voice-activated recorder under the seat of his car and listen back to it to see who he's calling?

If you haven't done these things, YOU are contributing to the downfall of your marriage by not being proactive. 

He's a horndog - you're not - that's all I needed to hear. He went out and found a woman willing to give him the wild and crazy sex he THOUGHT he was getting when he married you. And if that's true, the only way to save your marriage is to EXPOSE the cheating so that he has to make a choice.


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## Etrigan

Hello Lost0297

Sorry that you are in this situation.

I'm also a teacher, and for 6 months I had to put on an act while at work so that I could get through the day. For many months, I suffered recurring nightmares and some days went to teach with only two hours sleep behind me. I also have a teenage son, and I didn't want him to witness my misery. It wasn't easy, but it is not impossible. Accept the fact that healing takes time, and healing can be painful. 

You are a lot stronger than you realise, and one day you will know this. Take the advice of CynthiaDe, and find ways to reconnect with the things you enjoyed when you were younger. Play music that lifts your mood, play it loud. Find activities to share with the children, whether painting or swimming, or just watching cartoons together. This begins to distract you from the heartache, and the more you do these things, the more you appreciate what you have, and you know one day, it will occur to you that for the first time, you didn't cry at all for a whole day.

I wish you well.


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## Lost0297

He does suffer from depression and is medicated, although I think he needs an adjustment. He cried his eyes out yesterday saying his world is falling apart and he doesn't know what to do. He's starting a new job he regrets taking, we are selling our house because we can't afford it anymore, and our marriage. Says thats why he needs to get away and clear his head and he'll find his way back. I said "no, you won't". I cried, too, but it made me feel better seeing him suffer, too.

I haven't found evidence of cheating and yes, I am being proactive. He seems disinterested in everything. 

Going to IC today.


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## Mr.Fisty

Sorry, but you cannot focus on him. Your relationship is unstable and so is he. You need to secure your life first and either find a way of supporting yourself if it comes to it, and looking for a place you can manage on your own.

Rule of thumb, you have to be able to help yourself before you help others. Even then, his issues are beyond yours to help.

So, please focus on what you need to do, and if you do not seek help of your own, or take actions that place your security first, no one will. If he runs away before you are secure, then you will be in one big struggle more so if you were to be proactive.


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## tripad

Mr.Fisty said:


> Sorry, but you cannot focus on him. Your relationship is unstable and so is he. You need to secure your life first and either find a way of supporting yourself if it comes to it, and looking for a place you can manage on your own.
> 
> Rule of thumb, you have to be able to help yourself before you help others. Even then, his issues are beyond yours to help.
> 
> So, please focus on what you need to do, and if you do not seek help of your own, or take actions that place your security first, no one will. If he runs away before you are secure, then you will be in one big struggle more so if you were to be proactive.


Agree 

Please start thinking forward now , for the children's sake .

Speaking from experience , my ex didn't bother if i could feed my kids or if i could keep roof over our heads . 

I had to ramp up my jobs n thank god i did . It's a real struggle at first , in the deficit , digging into savings , yet mounting divorce legal cost . 

Start now .


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## Evinrude58

Lost0297 said:


> He does suffer from depression and is medicated, although I think he needs an adjustment. He cried his eyes out yesterday *saying his world is falling apart and he doesn't know what to do. He's starting a new job he regrets taking, we are selling our house because we can't afford it anymore, and our marriage. Says thats why he needs to get away and clear his head and he'll find his way back.* I said "no, you won't". I cried, too, but it made me feel better seeing him suffer, too.
> 
> I haven't found evidence of cheating and yes, I am being proactive. He seems disinterested in everything.
> 
> Going to IC today.


This makes zero sense to me. He is worried that his "world is falling apart", he is selling his house and apparently doesn't know where he's going to live----yet he needs to "get away and clear his head"???? I call B.S. on that one. There's more to this. A normal person that has insecurity over a new job, doesn't know how they'll live, etc. etc.-- they don't abandon help/ poo-can their wife and want "alone time". They grab on to anyone who'll listen to their problems and who can help them. Something is up with your H. What he says and what he does do not jibe.

Whatever it is, it's not something that you need to listen to. Move on. If you want to take him back one of these days, that's great. But you will suffer forever until you are able to accept that he's gone, and let your mind steer you to a path to happiness, rather than anchoring you to heartache and pain. Let him go in your mind. You'll be far better off, regardless of what you choose in future.


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## turnera

tripad said:


> Agree
> 
> Please start thinking forward now , for the children's sake .
> 
> Speaking from experience , my ex didn't bother if i could feed my kids or if i could keep roof over our heads .


My dad had to pay $100/month for me after he left in the 70s, and he griped about it ALL THE TIME - to ME, not to my mom. On his visitations, he'd take me to the mall and buy me a coke and we'd sit and watch people walk buy. He'd come by our house, see the air conditioning unit that had leaked and fallen through the roof from the second floor to rest on the first floor, which sat there for months before my mom could scrape together enough money to get it fixed, and never offered a dime to help. We ate rice and beans and macaroni for 6 years, cos it was all my mom could afford. And he never offered a dime to help.

It's a man thing - once they move out, they are often able to compartmentalize: old life vs. new life. Don't expect him to be honorable. Get it all in writing and approved by a judge.


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## Cynthia

I completely agree that he needs to be held accountable for caring for his family. Do not go soft or nice on him. It doesn't help. If holding him accountable makes him angry, then it is more proof that you are better off without him. Good men care for their families. Weak, selfish men desert their families.


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## just got it 55

CynthiaDe said:


> I completely agree that he needs to be held accountable for caring for his family. Do not go soft or nice on him. It doesn't help. If holding him accountable makes him angry, then it is more proof that you are better off without him. Good men care for their families. Weak, selfish men desert their families.


AS a man as flawed as any other....Nothing I mean Nothing makes me more angry than breaking the fundamental principals of man/fatherhood

Weak COWARD indeed

55


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## tripad

N useless n pathetic 

N not worth any tears 

I stopped crying and was glad to divorce when my ex didnt bother to send a cent . 

Al least i didnt have to put food on the table and which he eats the most ! 

And i who put food on the table eats the least !


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## tripad

Lost

One day you will feel what we felt

Being glad to kick the pathetic loser out


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## VeryHurt

just got it 55 said:


> AS a man as flawed as any other....Nothing I mean Nothing makes me more angry than breaking the fundamental principals of man/fatherhood
> 
> Weak COWARD indeed
> 
> 55


55

My stbx said he has done enough for us and he doesnt want anymore obligations and responsibilies. I was not aware that being a husband or father came with a shelf life or expiration date.

VH


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## tripad

VH

Because he has a woman who needs his money and attention now .

Did you check ?


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## VeryHurt

tripad said:


> VH
> 
> Because he has a woman who needs his money and attention now .
> 
> Did you check ?


Not sure what you mean.
VH


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## Bobby5000

I think you need to take control. Throw him out and let him know he may not come back. You'll decide. Who ever heard of I'll test the waters. Or tell him you are going on a date.


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## Cynthia

VeryHurt said:


> Not sure what you mean.
> VH


She means there must be another woman involved who wants his support.


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## tripad

CynthiaDe said:


> VeryHurt said:
> 
> 
> 
> Not sure what you mean.
> VH
> 
> 
> 
> She means there must be another woman involved who wants his support.
Click to expand...

Yup

Somebody is sucking up his money.

Like my ex who claims his parents n sisters did . Never knew the truth .


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## tripad

VeryHurt said:


> just got it 55 said:
> 
> 
> 
> AS a man as flawed as any other....Nothing I mean Nothing makes me more angry than breaking the fundamental principals of man/fatherhood
> 
> Weak COWARD indeed
> 
> 55
> 
> 
> 
> 55
> 
> My stbx said he has done enough for us and he doesnt want anymore obligations and responsibilies. I was not aware that being a husband or father came with a shelf life or expiration date.
> 
> VH
Click to expand...

Document that . The children must know when they grow up . So they will know that they need not fund an old dad upon sickness .


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## just got it 55

VeryHurt said:


> 55
> 
> My stbx said he has done enough for us and he doesnt want anymore obligations and responsibilies. I was not aware that being a husband or father came with a shelf life or expiration date.
> 
> VH


Don't know about him doing enough for you But I'm damned sure he's done enough to you

55


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## Lost0297

I have to clear something up. I'm not sure where this thread took a wrong turn and turned into him not giving any money to support us. He adores his kids and I don't see him doing that, although, I understand where you're all coming from experience and things change. 

I came to the realization that when we sell our home, I need to either rent or find something I can afford to buy on my salary alone with the kids. His intentions were to buy something more affordable together and the extra money will pay for an apartment for him. I think it woke him up that I am looking at a future without him - as sad as I am about it. Today he said through tears he's probably making a stupid mistake and to not give up on us. He swears there is no one else and he just needs time to think. Don't worry, I am not going soft. I still have the same game plan. He has opened Pandora's box of hurt and its going to take a lot to get past that if things go that route.


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## tripad

My ex adores his kids , although he does nothing for them . He claims he will provide . He said he cried too .

All lies after separation .


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## VeryHurt

Lost0297 said:


> I have to clear something up. I'm not sure where this thread took a wrong turn and turned into him not giving any money to support us. He adores his kids and I don't see him doing that, although, I understand where you're all coming from experience and things change.
> 
> I came to the realization that when we sell our home, I need to either rent or find something I can afford to buy on my salary alone with the kids. His intentions were to buy something more affordable together and the extra money will pay for an apartment for him. I think it woke him up that I am looking at a future without him - as sad as I am about it. Today he said through tears he's probably making a stupid mistake and to not give up on us. He swears there is no one else and he just needs time to think. Don't worry, I am not going soft. I still have the same game plan. He has opened Pandora's box of hurt and its going to take a lot to get past that if things go that route.


Lost
I am glad that you have a plan.
I have heard through tears the most hurtful lies. Be cautious.
He has sworn on his son's grave there is no one else.
Not to give up on us = you are Plan B
VH


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## tripad

After you sell your house , beware . He may transfer the cash out before you even smell it . 

My ex says through tears he's sorry n will give the home to me n kids . N will provide .

Now he wants it sold n he says it's 90 % his . N he offers peanuts for child support amd a dollar for me . 

I m in legal fight now . 

The moment he is out he is going to listen to the person he is going to be with and that person will want everything including the man .

He doesn't look at you and children then and all sorry flies out of Window


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## turnera

tripad said:


> After you sell your house , beware . He may transfer the cash out before you even smell it .


BTDT.

In all my years here, I've seen men screw the women over more often than I've seen them honor their promises. It's just something about men who leave their families.

If NOTHING else, you should go to all your financial accounts and set them up so that he is unable to withdraw money without your signature.


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## tripad

Tunera

U mean your ex siphon out your money from home sale ?


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## turnera

No, I watched my dad claim he was broke so therefore he couldn't help my mom or his kids, while he blew his money on women left and right. While my mom's (and we kids') home literally fell down around our ears. Which he saw, because he DID come visit me, until I turned 16 - at which point he told me I could now drive and I knew where he lived, so if I wanted to see him, I knew how to find him.


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## tripad

So as a child then how did you feel ?

N now as an adult how did it impact you as a person and your treatment towards your dad ? 

That's my concern for my children . 

In short my ex finance minimum at home and got into debts he claims his parents n sisters dump on him n begged me to pay with promises of change . It wiped out my savings .

I gave up when he spiral worse and again he asked me to pay debts again . so i have no idea if it's his parents/sisters or women . 

Upon divorce he lives lavish n told my kids to move to a small public house n my kids rebutted him . 

He treats the kids to expensive meals n toys on access but wont pay otherwise . Meantime i see his debts mounting and he is still spending . No idea if he's is hiding cash or live lavishly till he gets another victim to marry him n beg her to pay the debts , this time blaming on me the ex wife ?


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## turnera

My realization of my situation was a long time coming. Here it is in a nutshell. Mom was an unwed mother in the 50s; fled to California to hide the shame. Met my dad and married him; dad never really took to my older brother, as dad's ego couldn't take that it wasn't HIS son. When they married and I came around, he was disappointed that I wasn't a boy; I grew up knowing that if I wanted my dad's time, I had to 'be' a boy; to this day I'm ashamed to do anything feminine, like putting on makeup in a public bathroom - I was conditioned early not to be feminine.

So I learned early on that I had to 'earn' my dad. And then he cheated because my mom wasn't feminine enough - wouldn't quit her nursing job, wouldn't cater to him. He left. Found the grass wasn't greener, tried to come back and my mom told him to go fvck himself. 

The problem for me is that she didn't TELL me that. I grew up thinking my dad didn't think we were good enough to stay for. I grew up thinking women had no clout. Had to EARN men. Had to SACRIFICE what THEY wanted, just to keep a man.

So guess what I ended up doing? I tried saying no to sex and got rejected left and right, so I started just giving in, to keep a guy. Picked up an abusive, controlling fiance, and only dumped him when he crashed MY car, with his long-time affair partner in it.

And jumped right into a next relationship. NEVER spent time on my own. I moved from dad to older brother (who tried to become my dad) to abusive fiance to abusive husband. 

All because nobody told me the truth - that my dad couldn't keep his d*ck in his pants and expected women to cater to him - and that my mom WAS NOT WILLING to subjugate herself to him again.

If I had known that, it would have changed my whole life. I gave up a full scholarship because my boyfriend said he wouldn't wait for me. Because I thought that my MOM had no power and had to kiss ass to keep a man. When that was nothing but the truth. But nobody ever told me that. I didn't learn that until I was 50. After I'd made all the mistakes.

So, in your case, I would tell you to tell him to go to hell and live your life as if he never even existed. It will give you a sense of power and control you never even imagined.


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## tripad

tunera

maybe i shouldn't thread jack here 

I PM you


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