# New here, looking for an opinion or two...



## LizzieBot (Jul 20, 2011)

Hi all. I'm new to these boards, just joined them after a slew of Google searches didn't turn up any really good solutions to some problems I've been having.

Just for some background, I've been with my husband for over 10 years and we're both 29. We have two beautiful children and were surprised to find out we're expecting again in January. It was sooner than I wanted (our youngest is 10 months old) but I guess life had other plans for me. 

Anyway, the major problem I am having is unfortunately with an issue that was already delicate before it began causing me trouble. My husband has a problem with his weight that he has been battling since childhood. His entire family is overweight to some extent and also hypercritical of appearances, so it's created this "perfect storm" of sneaky binge eating behaviors in my beloved.

He is 6'1" and I'm guessing well over 320 pounds now. When we got married, he was enlisted in the Navy and I moved from our hometown to be with him. At that time, he was about 225 pounds after boot camp food and everything was great. He had energy, he didn't have high blood pressure or cholesterol problems, he was helpful around the house when he wasn't at work.

Fast forward 4 years and we've been out for a year. Until September, I was pregnant with our 2nd child. During that time, since he wasn't in the Navy anymore, he put on over 100 pounds while I was still pregnant. In contrast, I actually ended up weighing 10 pounds less than when I started, putting me down to 125 pounds. 

My first problem with this situation is sex. It is painful for me now as I am a small person and his stomach is pretty much crushing me. Even doing other positions doesn't alleviate the trouble, as woman-on-top is nearly impossible given my small stature vs. his large frame + weight.

After that, I'd rank the sleep apnea and extreme snoring as a major issue. I wake up 2-5 times a night because he's rolled onto his back and the neck fat is cutting off his airway.  I feel bad typing that, but there it is. He has a sleep study scheduled for August 8th, but I'm pretty sure they'll just tell him to lose 100 pounds. To add to this, his breath seems to smell particularly foul lately and I suspect it's from the snoring -- or from not brushing his teeth, who knows? 

Beyond those two things, his blood pressure is really high (190/140+ usually, the doctor makes him take it at home with a machine now) but he claims it's white coat syndrome. He also gets frequent headaches and doesn't seem to think that has anything to do with the blood pressure. He has very little energy after coming home from his desk job, spends most of his time wandering around the house between the bathroom and the refrigerator, stopping to watch t.v. from the landing over the livingroom or grazing through the snack cupboard for our daughters. Getting him to help with laundry, mow the lawn, or just pick up the stuff he leaves everywhere is a nightmare. He lies to me about his eating even though I usually find empty containers of food around afterward, since he tends to leave things on the counter for me to pick up after him. 

*deep breath*

Whew. I love my husband, but this has all got to stop. I am not inclined to engage in sex anymore, especially when he's spent the day eating while I clean up after him and the kids 24/7, and I can't sleep with the snoring. I've tried asking him to lose weight for his health and so he can walk his daughters down the aisle for their weddings (heart attacks run in his family) but he only eats better for a day or two before going back to his old ways.  It's like he doesn't care that he's in a 48" waist pant and still has a muffin top, or that our oldest daughter can barely sit on his lap anymore. Or that he might die from a stroke if his blood pressure doesn't get under control.

Any suggestions on how to gently nudge him into shedding the pounds before it squashes our marriage? I can tell I'm nearing the end of my rope as finding his trail of food and clothes drives me to a near-homicidal rage.  I don't want to hurt his feelings, call him fat, or make him self-conscious. I just want my husband back instead of this self-destructive human being who isn't considering the effects of his obsessive eating habits.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

LizzieBot said:


> Any suggestions on how to gently nudge him into shedding the pounds before it squashes our marriage? I can tell I'm nearing the end of my rope as finding his trail of food and clothes drives me to a near-homicidal rage.  I don't want to hurt his feelings, call him fat, or make him self-conscious. I just want my husband back instead of this self-destructive human being who isn't considering the effects of his obsessive eating habits.


Honestly, I don't know HOW in the world you have been this patient THIS LONG. You are right, he IS destroying himself, lets be real, he has also become lazy and is very unconcerned about how this will affect anyone else. 

Other than my sympathys though, I am not sure how to motivate him, at least "gently". I am someone who would take a TOUGH LOVE approach, and if they were too sensitive, they would want rid of ME . And maybe that would be fine too.

I am guessing you have already tried the "gentle" approach as to not offend, not hurt his feelings. And this is getting you nowhere. 

Does he even care about sex anymore? For many men , that is motivation alone.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I agree with SimplyAmorous - I think a little bit of tougher love, and some "woman'ing up" on your part will help YOU feel better about the situation. Ultimately, though, your husband will need to care enough to want to change.

To start with, I would no longer pick up and clean up after his messy escapades. He is a big boy and there is no reason why he can't do that himself.

I would ensure that there are not unhealthy snacks available in the house, and only a small variety of snacks other than fresh fruits and vegetables.

I would go for a walk after dinner and encourage him to go with you. I would encourage him to join some kind of weight loss program - people who overeat often use it as an emotional crutch and some need help to be able to overcome that and learn healthy eating habits.

And, I would be honest with him. If sex is becoming uncomfortable because of his size, I would let him know that. If it's getting to the point where he snores so badly that you feel you would have to sleep in another room, I would let him know that. If it comes down to either eating all the time, or having me, I would let him know that.

Conversely, any positive movement forward you see from him should be duly noted, complimented, and encouraged.

Best wishes.


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## Lynn2002 (Jun 20, 2011)

Hello! I can COMPLETELY relate to your post. However - I'M the one who has gained the weight! So maybe I can give you another point of view. 

I have always had issues with my weight and had lost 100lbs 4yrs before I met my husband and kept it off until after I had my two girls. I gained 60lbs with my first daughter - went on a shake diet to loose 50lbs then got pregnant with my second and gained 70lbs. I was tired of dieting and couldn't loose the weight. I then had gastric bypass surgery and lost 97lbs. That was 4 years ago and now I have gained 20lbs back and I'm so scared!!! I feel awful, I'm not as active with my girls, I am more lazy with watching TV and snacking, I'm not sexually active with my husband - not as much as I know he would like because I just don't feel good.

I know that I need to lose this weight to feel better, have more energy and to have a better marriage. I constantly think I'm going to get on the treadmill, not eat so much and then the day comes and I don't change anything.

I do love it when my husband suggests we go for a walk, bike ride, roller skating, etc. 

I would suggest talking to your husband and letting him know how his weight is affecting you. I'm sure he wont be shocked but it might give him the jolt to do something about it!


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## LizzieBot (Jul 20, 2011)

Thank you all for your responses.  Unfortunately, I won't be able to use any of your suggestions because somehow he found this forum and my post (I suspect he checked my email or something, since I had cleared history and browser cache and rebooted before he came home from work). Needless to say, he was in a foul mood all evening. I can't decide if I'm more ticked off or embarrassed -- on one hand, he violated my privacy. On the other, I just lost all ability to be tactful. 

Now he claims he's going to lose all the weight because "the one person in the world he gives two ***** about thinks all the bad things he thinks about himself, and more". I feel pretty awful. I love how every time I approach this weight subject, even supposedly in private, I end up being the bad guy.

At least he might actually get healthy from this, but I fear it's just out of spite and won't last as usual. I told him last night that I think it has to be self-motivated or it doesn't matter as much; if you do things for another person instead of wanting it yourself, what stops you from doing what you really want to do? 

Bleh. Anyway, I do thank you all for responding to my post. I just wish I could have had this discussion and approached him myself instead of dealing with the insecure, angry person who told me he "found" my forum post "open on the computer".


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## Lynn2002 (Jun 20, 2011)

Actually it might be better that he found it. So at least he knows exactly how this is affecting you. Good luck! I'm sure he is hurt, ashamed and now hopefully motivated to get healthier. In the end if he can get in better shape he will see how much happier life can be!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

LizzieBot said:


> Thank you all for your responses.  Unfortunately, I won't be able to use any of your suggestions because somehow he found this forum and my post (I suspect he checked my email or something, since I had cleared history and browser cache and rebooted before he came home from work). Needless to say, he was in a foul mood all evening. I can't decide if I'm more ticked off or embarrassed -- on one hand, he violated my privacy. On the other, I just lost all ability to be tactful.
> 
> Now he claims he's going to lose all the weight because "the one person in the world he gives two ***** about thinks all the bad things he thinks about himself, and more". I feel pretty awful. I love how every time I approach this weight subject, even supposedly in private, I end up being the bad guy.
> 
> ...


Lizzie ~

Don't let this deter you from taking the opportunity to really talk to your husband about how you feel (and him about how he feels), let him know that you will be his best cheerleader, and that you are in this together.


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

My husband has put on some weight since we started our relationship and I made him watch a documentary recently called "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead" (more information here: Fat Sick and Nearly Dead | a Joe Cross Film ). His Mom told him recently he should try to lose some weight because diabetes runs in his family. This I did not know about and one of my Great Uncles had an awful life and died from diabetes, so I'm getting on his case now.

We'll be trying what the guy in the movie did for 10 days. I'm doing all I can to encourage him: I bought the juicer (we tried buying one in stores but nobody had them), I'll help buy fruits and veggies he likes, and I'll even do the diet with him (I'm planning on eating a lunch when he's at work). 

Just thought I'd share what I'm trying to do with my husband. Good luck!!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well - now that he's found it you might as well be totally honest and open with him - and don't back up on your position. His pride has been dinged by finding it - keep up the pressure to get some good out of it. Take him for a walk


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