# Married a quarter century and near the precipice



## Linden40 (Jul 21, 2011)

Hi everyone,
This is my first time posting. I've been married for over 25 years. We've had the usual ups and downs and come through them but our relationship has been declining for years. 
Overall, my husband is a really good guy, and I still love him, but communication between us, such as it was, has ground to a halt. He is always working, and if he's not working, he is reading stuff on the internet and often gets grumpy when interrupted. I have told him several times that I believe this is an addiction. 
I am self-employed (working at home) and so I do the shopping/cooking/cleaning etc. and that's fine with me since he works long hours at the office BUT what has been a recurrent issue is that when he's had a bad day at work, I'm a convenient doormat. We'd been coasting along ok for some months but last night he came home with dark clouds on his face and immediately yelled at me for cooking him fried food for dinner again, saying I've told you before not to cook me this sh** any more - he believes it's fried food that makes him fat. I asked him not to raise his voice at me and told him that apart from the "fried sh**" (which was actually low-fat soybean grillers), I had also made a vegetable casserole, and that I am his wife, not his cook, and he had no right to talk to me this way, and nobody was forcing him to eat it anyhow. So long as I have a bag of potato chips for him for dessert...
I asked him if anything bad had happened at work and he just grumped "nothing happened". Then he sat in front of the TV eating casserole and, probably feeling a bit guilty, remarked that the casserole was really good. 
I was terribly upset because this has happened so many times already and last night just seemed like the straw that broke the camel's back. He drinks several beers each night and I have asked him several times to cut back at least because I believe the stress at work + too little sleep + too much beer for years has changed his personality, but he said I should not tell him what to do I.
He snores (I've asked him to do something about that, and he finally went to see a doctor but has not seen a specialist yet. This was a year ago.) Earplugs don't always work, and I find it very hard to concentrate during the day when I'm so tired, and that affects my work and everything else in my life.
We were on a family reunion vacation last year, and whenever we were with the others everything was all smiles, but as soon as we were alone he acted like he couldn't stand us and was downright mean. I must say his father was often very mean to his mother - when we were first married, I said to my husband that if he ever were to treat me this way I would not stick around, to which he replied, "oh, don't worry about it, they've always done that, they don't mean it" and I said "how can you say that? Your mother has tears in her eyes!" But he just shrugged it off.
Two years ago he told me he "didn't want to do it any more". (and this was also right after he developed sexual dysfunction, which he blamed on me, of course, and also hasn't seen a specialist for that either). 
We are going to talk about our relationship tonight and I am afraid I won't be able to hold myself together, I am sitting here dissolved in tears. 
I think a neutral place to talk about us would be better than talking at home - our son will be here and he has enough issues with his dad as it is - he believes his dad thinks he's a "loser" - I don't want to add to his troubles. Come to think of it, during the last years of our marriage, my self-esteem has taken a dive as well.
And also a good friend of mine has had a horrible time at work this week and wants to talk to me tonight (I've worked at that place myself and I know everyone involved). I want to be there for her so she can get her problems off her chest but I'm not sure I can be much help to her tonight, my head is spinning...
I had suggested to my husband several years ago that we need marriage counseling but he wouldn't hear of it, his opinion is that only "weak" people need others to tell them what to do...
So, what do you all think - after more than 25 years and lack of communication for so long, and both of us possibly entrenched - do you think there is a chance to work through this? I am near the precipice. Would you recommend marriage counseling? 
Thank you for your help.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Personally, I think that yes, counseling might have some value to you. You have a major time investment in your marriage, and it seems foolish to give that up without a fight.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

:iagree:


PBear said:


> Personally, I think that yes, counseling might have some value to you. You have a major time investment in your marriage, and it seems foolish to give that up without a fight.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Highly recommend marriage counseling. The alternative is for you to do the heavy lifting to save this marriage, and I don't believe you can carry this load by yourself given your current emotional state.

You marriage has been eroding for a long time now so its only now it has become unbearable to the point you cannot take it anymore. 

I am in a similar situation as you and my wife also refused to do marriage counseling. I tried for over a year to do whatever I could to save my marriage. Now I am completely emotionally worn out, went through a bout of depression, and now I have given up. I would not say my efforts was a waste of time, because I feel I have grown and I am a better person than I was a year ago.

Going through the process of trying to save you marriage will give you a unique opportunity to grow and become a better person. So its not all bad.

My advice to you is to turn the focus inwards. Take a good look at yourself. Start the work of saving your marriage by saving yourself first. Your self-esteem is low as you stated, and I'm sure there are other things you can do to make life for yourself better. Start doing things to boost your self esteem. Spend some time with good friends, and do things that you enjoy. Put some laughter in your life.

The reality is it takes two to make a marriage work, and if one does not want to put in the effort to make it work, its not going to get better. Sorry, this is the hard lesson I learned after a year of trying to save my marriage by myself with no help from her.

If you search this forum you would see plenty of people in a similar situation that got basically the same advice.

I have been married for 23 years and it will be over in a few months. It hurts like hell, but I am looking forward to a new and better life.

Take care of yourself first and do what you can within reason to save your marriage, its worth saving. But if you feel its over and its time to move on, know that there a big world out there waiting for you to enjoy, by yourself or with someone new. There are better days ahead so keep your chin up.

Take care.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

I'm in much the same situation as you, been married almost 23 years to a husband who is a workaholic, and when he's home he's "married" to his computer, not to me. But, he's never been mean to me or verbally abusive, just completely detached and apathetic about anything on the planet except his computer. Completely uninterested and uninvolved in his children's lives. Also snores, and after my sleeping on the couch for 10 years I insisted we move to a different house where I now have my own bedroom  I've never slept so good in my life!

I've also spent YEARS trying to hold the family together, work on communicating, which he immediately shuts down and won't talk, etc. It's exhausting, it's frustrating, it's a daily struggle. I'm at the point where I just can't see living the rest of my life with someone who has the emotional range of a brick, and who isn't willing to be 50 percent of our marriage. 

If your husband isn't willing to try marriage counseling, there's absolutely nothing that says you can't go on your own without him. That's about where I'm at... my H won't think of therapy, because according to him there's nothing wrong. I've been thinking of going on my own without him. 

Marriage is a two-way street, it's supposed to be a 50/50 partnership. You can do your part, but you can't force your husband to work on your marriage if he can't see what's wrong or if he's unwilling to try.


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