# How much more should I put up with before divorce?



## Emmie (Dec 17, 2014)

I haven't posted much and when I did it was a long time ago as I have been working on my marriage and evaluating everything that's been happening.
However, I am so unsure about how much more I put up with before I finally have that serious conversation with my husband about divorce.
This is the biggest decision of my life and I honestly feel there's nothing more that 'I' personally can do to make things better.
Please bear with me, I'll make it as short as possible.
My husband and I have been together 18 years, we have 6 children, 2 from my first marriage and 4 with him, eldest 2 adults and youngest 4 are between 11 and 17.
We had always had a very active sex life, he still masturbated between sex which I didn't actually realise he was doing until years later. However it was 3 or 4 times a week right up until I became ill with lupus about 9 years ago, but once I was on the correct meds about a year later (I still took care of him I just physically couldn't make love). 
So there was improvement for quite a few years again until 3 years ago.
We were barely having sex and if I ever brought it up he got mad. I was understanding as I had done the same to him when I was ill so I wanted to be fair to him.
About 4 years ago I noticed we were barely intimate and we had a big wedding coming up in Italy which was the perfect opportunity for us to have some time together just us, romantic and exciting I thought, the perfect place to reconnect.
NO! 
What should have been an amazing few days turned into what started this rollercoaster of emotions and arguments! We barely argued, ever over the years.
The second night as I slept, my husband overheard our friends having sex (we had next door rooms with balconies with opens doors). My friend is not quiet. It sounded like he heard it like he was watching a porn movie when he described it to me.
Anyway, we hadn't had sex for months (I was being understanding that he was going through a rough patch) and he couldn't wait to tell me in the morning and I initially found it funny.
Then reality sets in and I realise that's the first time he's dared to mention 'sex' in any way whatsoever!
As I get in the shower to prepare for the wedding, he pulls open the shower curtain and tells me to get out now. He puts me on the hard floor (not exactly comfortable) and basically 'gets on with it' like he was desperate. No words, no kissing.
Well it was over pretty quick, he only did it for himself. I just lay there as there didn't feel like any connection between us 
I've never in my life felt so used as I did that day and it's never left me.
Since that day things have never been the same. He hates to talk about it, when we do it turns into an argument and over the last 18 months they've gradually gotten worse. Gp tried him on antidepressants, taking him off, changing them.... No help.
He's on pain meds like me but again he's had his dose lowered to see if it helped but nope, nothing.
I've begged and pleaded for him to ask to have his testosterone levels checked. He's promised me every time we try to talk about it but he never goes.
Over the last year I have lost my connection with him. The intimacy has gone. We argue more. I have no respect for him. Sometimes I look at him and wonder why we are still together.
The strange thing is he is constantly telling me he loves me and is generally very nice to me but hasn't spoilt me or bought be flowers etc for a very long time or even just taken me out. 
We've had sex maybe 4 times in the last year and one of those times he could even finish, even with an extra helping hand and mouth! And believe me the mouth was always over very quickly!
The problem is, I'm at the point now where I don't even know if I want sex with him and I'm so fed up of repeating myself when I dare bring it up. I even secretly bought some toys for myself that he doesn't know I have.
I have tried to work it out, I bought some sexy lingerie, a few different ones so he could choose what he fancied but they've been hung up never used in the closet for about 6 months now.
I keep imagining my life without him because I feel so alone, unwanted, unattractive and trapped.
The thing is he makes comments on my clothing if we have builders or contractors, the gardener, claiming I deliberately put a short skirt on or a dress that shows too much cleavage etc. I don't understand why he would be like that if he doesn't even want me sexually or even look at me in that way?
I don't want to live like this anymore but I'm frightened that my life would be even worse if I was alone even though I feel like that now.
He doesn't spend much time with the kids, I'm responsible for everything and at the end of the day, every day without fail he get on his Xbox one (he's 44 btw) and spends the next 4 plus hours on that as it helps him 'relax' apparently!!
This is not what I want my life to be.
Is my life at the point of divorce? Or do I have to put up with more?
If there is any way to save my marriage I'll try it, but I NEED sex, the intimacy. I don't want a sexless marriage and I don't want to cheat either.
Any words of wisdom that I can try with him before I throw it all away?
So sorry it's so long but I needed to get that of my chest


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

To start with, here is a link to a thread that addresses sexless marriages in which the husband choses to make the marriage sexless. It's a long thread as many women have posted their stories on it. You might benefit from reading at least the first page of the thread.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

At this point, I'm not all that sure that there is anything you can do to turn the sex life in your marriage around. Your husband seems to be unwilling to work with you. He seems very checked out of your marriage.

If you do try anything more, for example some of the material in the Sex Starved Wife thread, I would give it a deadline. Not one that you tell him about, but one that you keep to. For example, go for 6 months and if things are not much better then it's time to leave. If they are better, go another 6 months and evaluate again.

But, if you are done now and leave now I could certainly understand it. I consider what your husband is doing to be a form of emotional abuse. I read a book once about husbands to will not have sex with their wives. The therapist author said usually, when a man choses to not have sex with his wife it's usually because he harbors anger and resentment towards her. Withhold sex is a passive aggressive way to punish her for his anger and the wrong he perceives she has done to him. If you look at the list of reasons given by men on the Sex Starved Wife thread, it seems that study found the same thing.

You are the SAHM, right? You might want to start changing your life in a way that will enable you to move away from this relationship.


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## Emmie (Dec 17, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> To start with, here is a link to a thread that addresses sexless marriages in which the husband choses to make the marriage sexless. It's a long thread as many women have posted their stories on it. You might benefit from reading at least the first page of the thread.


Thank you for you replies 
However I can't see the link above? Could just be me lol.
In answer to your question, yes I'm a SAHM. He works from home so his day ends at 3pm when his Xbox time starts!
He never really wants to join in with stuff with me and the kids. Sometimes we even all go out to dinner together apart from him, he'd rather play on his Xbox
He begs me to believe he loves me but I'm beginning to think that as he has no friends or family (totally none) he know he has nowhere to go and no one to talk to or help/support him.
I don't understand how someone who claims and begs me to believe he loves me can not even want to work things out. Every time I try to talk he goes nuts, says it isn't me and he doesn't know what's wrong.
I believe he just doesn't want to be on his own with nothing.
I just want to be sure I've tried everything and he refuses point blank to do counselling.
Stupid man actually thinks I'm going to put up with this forever I think.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

Why put up with that? I get using Xbox as an escape from a stressful job but if he is turning it on at 3 pm then I am going to guess his job really isn't that difficult. 

I would determine before you file what would make you stay so that when the shock wears off and he starts making changes you know where your line in the sand has been drawn. Get a job so you can support yourself and make it easier to make decisions. Start separating your finances into yours, his and family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Emmie said:


> However I can't see the link above? Could just be me lol.


Opps.... I forgot the link. Just added it to the post above.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Emmie said:


> However I can't see the link above? Could just be me lol.
> In answer to your question, yes I'm a SAHM. He works from home so his day ends at 3pm when his Xbox time starts!
> 
> He never really wants to join in with stuff with me and the kids. Sometimes we even all go out to dinner together apart from him, he'd rather play on his Xbox
> ...


I’m going to guess that he’s on his xbox from 3pm till he goes to sleep at night. What does he do on weekends? Is he on the xbox all day?

Your husband has developed an video game addiction. This is becoming a real problem in some relationships. The lack of interest in sex is very common with gaming addiction. So are developed anti-social behaviors. It’s considered to be a type of obsessive compulsive behavior.

*Signs and Symptoms of Video Game Addiction ? Causes and Effects*

*Video Game Addiction Symptoms and Treatment*

I was married to a guy developed this. He lost his job and then spent all his time on his computer playing games. It got to where he stopped looking for work and just spent every waking hour playing games and surfing the internet. And like in your situation he lost complete interest in sex. 

He had custody of his two children (age 10 & 12 when this started) and I had my son. He would not help with his own children, would not help around the house. I become the sole bread winner. I divorced him once the children were out of high school – waited that long as did not want to disrupt the children’s lives.

You need to address in video game addiction before anything can be done about the sex issue. If you want to try to get him to fix this, look around for a therapist who understands and handles video game addictions. And get that person or organization lined up.

Then I suggest you sit your husband down and tell him that he has two choices, 

1.	Go to therapy to end the video game addiction (this includes getting rid of the xbox and no computer games allowed) 

2.	You file for divorce.​
Anything short of this will most likely not get his attention. And if you do it, you need to follow through on your ultimatum.

Most of the time, when a woman gives this kind of ultimatum to their husband is shocked and choses to fix the marriage. 

Here is a link that you might find interesting.

*Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®*

.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Is your objection the lack of sex? 

Seems like this was already an issue, but the Italy thing - I'm going to drop some man logic on you here - to him, I'm guessing, he feels like he simply can't win. You want more sex. He tries to be 'sexy' by grabbing you and doing it down and dirty (perhaps you have even told him before that you like it when he is dominant? Maybe?), and I assume you didn't object at the time. Then after the fact, you 'attack' him for it, regularly. Maybe? I don't know, obviously, but that's the impression I get. This is why men often masturbate and 'deny' their wives sex - because we (ahem, I mean _they_), know that after it's over our right hand isn't going to keep bringing up how awful we are for doing it and should be ashamed of ourselves, when it didn't object at the time, or give any indication we were doing something wrong. 

Maybe? 

And as for him saying about you wearing low cut tops and why should he care, I'd suggest thinking about it the other way around - if a wife isn't giving a husband all the sex that he wants, and she sees him 'trying to attract other women's attention', is he going to get away with the argument that 'why do you care, you won't have sex with me'. I doubt it.

If you are unhappy and you have tried your best, you should probably break up with him. No point being unhappy forever. But he doesn't sound like such a bad dude. Just my opinion based on what you wrote.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

vauxhall101 said:


> Is your objection the lack of sex?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Her partner has a video game addiction, refuses to court her and basically used her body to release his horny self of which she wasn't happy about. 

Doing it on the floor isn't such a bad idea if that is what you both want to do that in the moment. Take that one action out of the context of a healthy partnership then it is abuse. 

It is curious to me that you are willing to give him the benefit of the doubt based on what she has written but are able to blame her a couple of times for something she didn't write.

The man sounds very immature based on what she has written.


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## Emmie (Dec 17, 2014)

Thanks everyone for the advice and suggestions.
Vauxhall101 - I think I get what you are trying to say from a mans perspective, however it's clear he is addicted to the silly Xbox, clearly pain meds and is currently going through a stage of cable fever..... every bloody gadget, cable or electronic ps are all being upgraded.
If he gave me the attention he gives to his gadget bull**it I'd have no complaints. Although that assumes I even want it and I don't know if I am.
The problem I have is my ever changing emotions. One moment I cannot imagine life without the idiot and another I fantasise about a different life without him!
The problem is every day that passes with no intamacy, the easier it gets to imagine a different life.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

hope you find a way to get thru to him.

wish my wife would talk about wanting intimacy.

File for D. would that wake him up? hope the xbox breaks.

Good luck to you.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Could this just be a horrible long term case of crossed signals? Any chance you can sit him down and talk to him to find out what he wants, and he can find out what you want. 

Could he have felt rejected when you were ill? Then could you have felt used in Venice when he was trying to passionate, and when he realized it, that made him feel rejected (and guilty for basically raping his wife).

Maybe through a counseler, I think its worth one more try at communication.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It is a lot more common than people think for women to be in sexless marriages due to the male partner. 

People tend to assume men are the ones who want sex more. You get a lot of "he must be gay" or worse, assuming the woman is unattractive in some way 🙄

In a lot of ways being a female in this situation is worse because men are "supposed" to like sex! They are supposed to want it and try to get it and we hear how our bff hate that their husbands won't stop grabbing them and wanting sex. Tv shows have the typical man wanting sex jokes. You feel alone. 

Op- he will not change in any significant way with any consistency. He may try for a while before falling back into it but you'll be right back here. 

I read something here once about where do you want to be next year? 
Still here? 
It's been about 1 year since I left. It's been so amazing. I can't believe how far I have come and how happy I am. Actual, true happiness. It's not all been fun but it's been so worth it


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Emmie said:


> I believe he just doesn't want to be on his own with nothing.


Bingo.

Worthless as he IS as a father, husband and human being, he still needs his mommy to take care of him while he brings nothing to the table and adds nothing to your life whatsoever. Nor does he want to pay alimony or child support or lose half his assets. 

There's every benefit - for HIM - for staying. None for you.

You say you keep envisioning what your life would be like without him, but you're already living without him. He's useless.

Brush up your resume and start looking for active employment. You NEVER have any good options when you're dependent on a man. 

Never.


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