# How do you cope?



## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

Hi all,

Here's my original thread on my cheating husband.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/144689-i-caught-him.html

I'm going to counseling to help me deal with everything, but I still have emotional ups and downs. We've officially been living separately for 7 weeks now, but it feels like an eternity. 

My husband hasn't physically moved out of our house. He comes and goes as he pleases. He's with her when she doesn't have her kids and returns home when it becomes inconvenient for her. He also just lost his job. I've been paying all of the household bills, while he has the good life. I'm tired, frustrated, and emotionally drained. I'm tired of being taken advantage of.

I wouldn't care what he was doing if he was in his own place. Out of sight, out of mind. Even though I'm the one filing for divorce what he's doing is still hurtful. Plus, he's throwing it in my face. 

I really wanted to start off 2014 with it being all about me. But, I'm finding it difficult. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself today. I don't know. 

How to you cope on your "bad" days?

Thanks!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your husband is especially cold and cruel, in my opinion. Why is he still at home? What does your lawyer say about this?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Ugh. GET HIM GONE!

No real advice from me other than that. Its a mental slap in the face every time likely setting you back each time.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you haven't done this already, implement the 180:

The Healing Heart: The 180

First order of business is getting him out. Do the 180 while you are arranging this & then continue once he is gone.


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

My atty is still drafting the PSA, so I'm in limbo right now. She knows the entire situation and knows that we are living separately in the house (he lives in the basement when he's here). She said that I can't force him out since he's on the deed. He keeps saying he's going to move out, he's packed up his boxes and everything, but now he lost his job. 

I would move out except for the fact that I'm the one paying the mortgage and can't afford a mortgage payment and a rent payment. I also can't take the risk and additional stress right now of letting the house go into foreclosure, etc. The mortgage is current and I want to keep it that way.

I've done really well with the 180, except for being patient and losing my cool. I absolutely do not want him back. He's not the same person I fell in love with 18 years ago. We do not speak to each other at all. Not one word. I can't even look at him. I only communicate through text and email. I mainly communicate about the bills. I'm so frustrated. He hasn't retained an atty. I'm paying atty fees on top of regular bills. I know in the end everything will work out for me, it's just waiting to get to that point.

I'm trying to do everything the right way, the legal way. He doesn't respect me. I just hope he signs the PSA and moves on.

Oh, to top things off, did I mention we are also half way through a joint Ch. 13 plan, which is also getting deducted from MY paycheck? Now, I also have to find a new bankruptcy atty.

He has screwed me over emotionally and financially.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

BRB said:


> My atty is still drafting the PSA, so I'm in limbo right now. She knows the entire situation and knows that we are living separately in the house (he lives in the basement when he's here). *She said that I can't force him out since he's on the deed*. He keeps saying he's going to move out, he's packed up his boxes and everything, but now he lost his job.
> 
> I would move out except for the fact that I'm the one paying the mortgage and can't afford a mortgage payment and a rent payment. I also can't take the risk and additional stress right now of letting the house go into foreclosure, etc. The mortgage is current and I want to keep it that way.
> 
> ...


I hate to say it, but you need to be stronger.

No, you can't FORCE him out of the house but you sure as hell
can put the flames to his feet and make him WANT to leave.

Stand up for yourself.

The reason you feel so sh!tty is because you know that he's
rubbing it in your face and you're doing nothing about it.

Foreclosure or not, as long as you're in his presence and he's in
yours, you will feel like you're in limbo.

Time for you to get tough and make the tough decisions needed.
Not to save your marriage, but your *dignity*.

He knows that you're making it easy for him and he's clearly
(once again) just taking advantage of you, your fears and the situation.

I'm not trying to be harsh, just speaking from experience.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

BRB...you need to pick up those big girl pants and strut your stuff. I don't care if you feel like it or not. Do your hair, your nails, get dressed and make yourself look good it will lift your confidence. Next time he comes home...you look and act like your doing great. You be heading out the door for an evening with some friends. He is rubbing it in your face because he knows it upsets you...take that away from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

It has been said, it suc*s the big one with him around. Can't kick him out legally.

Please get stronger.


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

mineforever said:


> BRB...you need to pick up those big girl pants and strut your stuff. I don't care if you feel like it or not. Do your hair, your nails, get dressed and make yourself look good it will lift your confidence. Next time he comes home...you look and act like your doing great. You be heading out the door for an evening with some friends. He is rubbing it in your face because he knows it upsets you...take that away from him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh yeah, I act that way when he's home. I completely ignore him and do what I have to do. Go about my business. 

I guess today I was just feeling a little sorry for myself. Feeling better now. Sometimes it's hard to take the high road, but I don't want to lower myself to his level.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If this goes the way so many of these things do, his losing his job will change the calculus. Stay on here with us and keep us posted. His in-your-face confidence should suffer some if he's unemployed. His sex rank has plummeted and you're in the position of strength now because you have financial control.

From what you say, he absolutely isn't a man to love. He's a lying, disrespectful, do-nothing d-bag.


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> If this goes the way so many of these things do, his losing his job will change the calculus. Stay on here with us and keep us posted. His in-your-face confidence should suffer some if he's unemployed. His sex rank has plummeted and you're in the position of strength now because you have financial control.
> 
> From what you say, he absolutely isn't a man to love. He's a lying, disrespectful, do-nothing d-bag.


He used to be loveable. I don't know what's going on with him. I suspect it's a combination of drinking and mental illness. I had previously posted about him dealing with depression, but not wanting to get help. He's gotten progressively worse over the last few years and has not gotten help. 

It's very sad that things are ending this way. He had threatened divorce in the past. He even would call an attorney and make a big production, but never followed through. Things would temporarily get better, but then the cycle would start again. 

I would have been more than willing to get a divorce had he done it the "right" way. By him cheating he has forced me to start the process. He's not a man; he's a con and a monster. We're going to fight this one out.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

There you go. Take care of you. Force yourself to do things that are easy to put off. Do superficial crap that makes you look good, clean your closet out and get rid of anything that doesn't look great fit perfect or doesn't make you feel good when you wear it.

Get your nails done and keep it up. You don't need talons but keep up grooming. It's much easier to get out of bed and out of your comfy depression sweats if you don't look haggard. And him seeing you looking great is just icing on the cake.

Work out, you'll feel better and stronger. Focus on you and your responsibilities outside of him. Standard 180 stuff but without R as a goal.

If all else fails I hop in my car and crank the music so loud I can't hear the noise in my head. 

Those were the only healthy ways of coping I know. The rest are bad habits that I revert to. Crazy revenge fantasies while smoking cigarettes. I have my fair share of unhealthy coping methods that make the gym laughable (sort of like picking up smoking to cope when I've avoided it my whole life, lol). But Xanax with an Ambien chaser doesn't help. So I'm not that annoying woman who has it all together. You'd just never be able to tell by looking...sometimes that's a start. Keeps you out of the hole and focused ahead.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

When he gets home, leave. Go to a relatives house or a friends house as often as possible.

I do hope your attorney can get him out soon. I also hope he gets a job so he can start helping with the bills. Will he be paying child support?


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## AZman (Nov 27, 2012)

Wow that entire situation sucks. I would agree with others, focus on you. Get a fire lit under your atty to get things moving. Leave when he is there, work out, do your hair, your nails, dress up etc. If he is trying to sleep and you are there, vacuum, play music, etc. 

Sorry you are going through this, but focus on you.


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

We don't have kids. I have two dogs who are my "kids". At least I have them to take care of, so they get me up and going in the mornings and of course work. Getting back into working out. Gotta get back into shape now, if I'm going to be Single in a few months.  

Thank you all so much for your support.

It's been exactly one month since I retained my atty. I wasn't sure how long it takes to actually draft a property settlement agreement. Plus, she was out of the office for 10 days during Christmas. Thoughts on that? Should it have been sent out by now?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

BRB said:


> We don't have kids. I have two dogs who are my "kids". At least I have them to take care of, so they get me up and going in the mornings and of course work. Getting back into working out. Gotta get back into shape now, if I'm going to be Single in a few months.
> 
> Thank you all so much for your support.
> 
> It's been exactly one month since I retained my atty. I wasn't sure how long it takes to actually draft a property settlement agreement. Plus, she was out of the office for 10 days during Christmas. Thoughts on that? Should it have been sent out by now?



Get back to working out for you, never mind marketing yourself. If you haven't worked out with weights before try it. It will make you feel strong. There is something about it. Working out and standing manicure appts. They are as regimented as I get. Never miss a work out or nails and hair. Massages and spa stuff is too much of a commitment time wise.

Purging the closet is great, and if you buy designer stuff sell it on eBay. I made ( got back ) a ton that I was just going to donate. I still donated plenty. It gave a sense of order and control. Something you really need through this.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Open secret.

One of the best ways for women to lose weight is to lift weights. You go up in weight a bit at first as you add muscle but after a point start dropping because muscle burns more calories even at rest. Btw at first weight goes up but size goes down.

Side effect is natural mood enhancing.

And you can move heavier stuff without needing a man around.

Btw, you cant bulk big up as a female without both extreme lifting and a crazy near zero fat diet.


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Open secret.
> 
> One of the best ways for women to lose weight is to lift weights. You go up in weight a bit at first as you add muscle but after a point start dropping because muscle burns more calories even at rest. Btw at first weight goes up but size goes down.
> 
> ...


Thanks! I'm actually on the skinny side right now. Stress does a lot for weight loss, too (bad humor, sorry). But, I want to tone up, at least, and not look like stick. I do take a dance class that I really love.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

BRB said:


> Thanks! I'm actually on the skinny side right now. Stress does a lot for weight loss, too (bad humor, sorry). But, I want to tone up, at least, and not look like stick. I do take a dance class that I really love.


Getting a bit tired of saying it but weightlifter is right.

I'm thin also and stress makes it hard to keeps my weight high enough. This kind of "coping" makes you lose muscle, fast. Then there isn't anything to tone. So if you want to tone up its still the best way. I have muscle definition and am not bulky, side effect was it made me hungry and I can eat like a linebacker and not think twice. If I go towards stress induced not eating I force protein bars, smoothies, I keep quick easy calories and comfort food on hand.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> Getting a bit tired of saying it but weightlifter is right.


I am tired of saying I am so right to myself too!

OK not really. 

I love to tease friends that "It hurts to be right so much". (Like the time I guessed the stores login to get the computer time system up. admin/ admin for the win. LOL. Dumb store.) 

Unfortunately here hurts is literal.

Anyway OP. Get on those weights. You really can not bulk up like a man without extremes.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

mineforever said:


> BRB...you need to pick up those big girl pants and strut your stuff. I don't care if you feel like it or not. Do your hair, your nails, get dressed and make yourself look good it will lift your confidence. Next time he comes home...you look and act like your doing great. You be heading out the door for an evening with some friends. He is rubbing it in your face because he knows it upsets you...take that away from him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I agree with this. Get yourself all dolled up and act like you're doing well. Act like you're going out on a date and look hot and sexy....wear lingerie around the house. Anything to drive him nuts. Be a super ***** to him...ignore him....do anything to drive him nuts. You can do this....you will do this....you are strong....every woman is strong!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

AZman said:


> Wow that entire situation sucks. I would agree with others, focus on you. Get a fire lit under your atty to get things moving. Leave when he is there, work out, do your hair, your nails, dress up etc. *If he is trying to sleep and you are there, vacuum, play music, etc. *
> 
> Sorry you are going through this, but focus on you.



:lol:

Since he isn't working, is he eating? Who is purchasing his food and/or his personal items? I would nip that in the bud. Laundry? I assume he is doing his own laundry? But who is buying the supplies? Oh, and is there a cable hook-up in the basement? I would disconnect that as well. Nothing is free.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

When he is off at his gf's for a few nights because no kids, change the locks. When he returns, if he kicks up a fuss, say sorry I thought you moved out, give him a key. 

And repeat.


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

All,

I just wanted to post an update. I'm finally moving out next month. Found a little condo to rent. After months of him blatantly continuing his affair and talking about moving out I have finally seen the light. 

He's never going to leave. Why should he?

I finally signed a lease and am walking away from the house and the household bills. He's on his own. I'm aware of the risks, but I can't live like we are currently living. I need to move forward with my own life.

I'm excited, nervous, and a little sad. Although, the excitement is taking over. It makes me sad that we can't even talk to each other. I can't even bear to look at him after all of these years together. Now, I'm leaving and will probably never have a proper "good-bye". 

I feel like I've come so far in a the last four months when I first found out about his affair. This is the next big step for me. Thank you all so much for your support.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If I may ask, what do you see as the risks? 

Here is a big hug.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, sounds like he is finally going to get the 2x4 that he's long over due for.

Good for you. Keep your progress moving you forward. You will find happiness again. As for him... reality is about to set in big time.

Good luck
WD


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

BRB,
- I was so relieved to hear that you don't have children with him. 

- D should be straighforward so put a bomb under that attorney of yours. 

- Consider selling your home. You don't want him living there for months while you have to get a court order/police to throw him out and you are meanwhile paying the mortgage. Consider listing it for sale privately for now. Perhaps it has too many painful memories and you could get a smaller cheaper place. 

- OW hasn't taken him in and doesn't want him around when her children are there? Hold that thought. 

- Sounds as though your marriage was bad for a long time with him periodically threatening divorce. So don't let yourself get too sentimental about that past and see it for what it was. You simply didn't know the monster you married because only a monster would continue an A and stay under your roof while you supported him. 

- Have some IC. You will be traumatised by this hideous situation. 

- I'm so glad you have your dogs. They are such good company , always there, our best friends and you won't have to go home to an empty condo. 

- Keep posting for support as you said it is helping. Many posters have gone through similar situations and can empathise. 

- Know that a better life is coming. If you feel lonely at times immediately remind yourself that you had to endure your WS coming home knowing *you knew *he had been staying and sleeping with OW for the previous few days. That's about as bad as affairs can get.

- Keep busy with your work, your dogs, social activities and the gym so that you fall asleep immediately each night. Join some clubs, ballroom dancing comes to mind.

- Keeping busy and distracted is the best medicine I know for staying on track, especially exercise that works up a sweat which makes endorphins kick in. Endorphins are the most powerful ant-depressants there are, courtesy of Mother Nature.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Brilliant news! Well done. Keep thinking of the excitement.

Ya know, when I left my ex (father of my kids, no cheating, unless you consider an addiction to drugs that I was unaware of) who was manipulative and abusive in a very subtle way, and the final 5 years of our 11 year relationship I had been very unhappy, and told him so..... it took me 1 month to get over the relationship! Yes. 1 month! I did question myself and think I had made the wrong decision, but said to myself I would wait for a period of time to see if I continued to feel the same. And oh, such a short period of time to get over such an arse. Be made my life a misery for the next 5 years though. Would I ever go back to him? Never! Not ever!


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

Sorry it took me a while to reply to all of the posts. Busy packing. 

I actually ended representation with my divorce atty. She finally sent me a draft PSA, which was based on my original thoughts of fighting for the house. I had a realtor come over and the house isn't worth nearly what I thought. So, we're also in a joint Ch. 13 plan. I've learned that bankruptcy court trumps family court. We also cannot sell our house without approval from the bankruptcy court. They pretty much own you when you're in Ch. 13. So, when I got my retainer back from my divorce atty I hired a new bankruptcy atty to either covert my case to a Ch. 7 or sever the Ch. 13. DH does not know about that, although he will find out soon. I have the ball rolling on that.

So, we will have been separated for one year come November 2014. By that point the bankruptcy issues should be resolved and my plan will be to file for divorce at that time.

It's so messy and the bankruptcy has put a kink in things. Wish I had learned all of this sooner, but this whole experience has been a learning process. Thankfully, I've secured a new place to live.

That's kind of what I meant by taking a risk. I am no longer going to be paying any household bills (mortgage, utilities, etc). It's on him. He has a problem maintaining employment. That's why I pay for everything. Plus, our joint Ch. 13 payment is getting garnished from my paycheck for the last 2 1/2 years. No more! My credit is already damaged and will get damaged more. But, I know I will come back from all of this.

I have actually been going to counseling for a couple of years know because of other stuff that's happened in the marriage. I love it! Plus, my family has been very supportive.

Thanks Everyone! Two more weeks....


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

How I coped:

I got on a low dose anti-depressant. The truth is, I have probably always had depression but never knew it or took it seriously until the stress of the betrayal and separation and a brand new baby exacerbated it ten-fold. The AD, helped wonders.

I went to counseling for a little under a year. Called my Aunt (my surrogate mom and leaned on her for support).

I did every social thing possible that I could bring at least one kid two since I just had a baby. I did a lot of play groups, library cafe's, and I'm not religious but I even went to church. Between a cafe and church, I met a nice guy. We never got too serious but we both enjoyed a short but fulfilling for the time being friendship - he was raw from his divorce by his wayward wife and I from my spouse's infidelity and our separation. We helped each other get through it.... it also made the ex jealous so there's that, *cackle*.

The Infidelity Diet, already made me lose a lot of weight. I didn't have much money with a new baby but still didn't want to feel frumpy. So I went to the thrift store(s) and bargain stores and bought everything that A) Fit Me, B) I Loved and C) Felt I looked sexy in. Even my sweatpants for around the house are cute. I threw out three garbage bags of clothes that no longer fit me.

He left his pull up bar so I found my inner G.I. Jane.







First I couldn't do one, so I used a step-stool from my kitchen until I got stronger, then I did one, then two then three until I could do a set of ten... tried today, I've gotten complacent, I'm down to four but I'm getting motivated again.

He also left his boxing bag here. I kicked the sh!t out of it more than once.

I bought a bicycle trailer for my baby so I could take both of the kids biking for exercise. I also took both of them swimming which was fun for all of us and good exercise. 

I went totally dark on my spouse. All conversations were about the kids, I discussed most things with him via text message/email. I deleted and blocked him from Facebook and tried to put him out of my mind.

My hair, make-up, clothing and attitude was on point every time he saw me. I was happy and ambivalent to his presence and usually on my way out the door when he came over. 

When flowers were not bought for me, I bought them for myself. My friend bought me a lot of flowers, I never thought I cared for them but it turns out, I love flowers! So I put things into my home that made me feel good. I also rearranged most of the furniture in my house and redecorated, painted the bedroom. I turned it into my space.

I did a lot of things around my house (had a baby so had to be home) such as cooking new foods, new crafts, took free courses online to get my mind off of things. 

I logged into TAM - the support here is phenomenal. I logged off of TAM, this place is depressing. LOL. It's wise to balance both.


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