# is this abuse or am I overreacting? please help



## seattle123 (Oct 8, 2010)

Hi friends, 
This is my first time posting. I'm having questions about my marriage and don't want to go to friends or family for fear that I might escalate something that I'm not even sure I should be worried about...any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated...
My husband and I have been married for about two years. Last night, we had an argument that frightened me a little. My hubby is very sensitive and his feelings are easily hurt. He was getting very angry during our discussion because he felt like I wasn't on his side re: an argument he had with a friend. I told him that I didn't think we were ready to sort things out yet and should take some time to cool down. 
He did not like that request at all. He told me that he was "This close to leaving me and I could choose: either we could finish the argument right then or he would leave." I told him not to give me ultimatums and went into the kitchen (an enclosed space). He followed me into the kitchen, cornering me, and said "I said we're going to talk about this now." I was frightened by his anger and so I tried to move past him through the doorway and leave, but he kept pushing me backwards and blocking my exit. I told him he couldn't treat me that way and started to cry as I kept trying to get past him, but he prevented me from doing so, trapping me in the kitchen. this effort to escape went on for about five minutes. Finally, I gave up and just curled up on the kitchen floor and cried while he finished telling me why he was angry. I felt like a captive and was completely helpless. He finished saying everything he wanted to say to me (in a calm tone) and then allowed me to leave the kitchen when he was finished.
After things calmed down, I told him I was worried that his behavior might constitute abuse. He said he wouldn't do it again and said that I verbally abuse him by clamming up and refusing to reconcile when we're arguing. Sometimes it takes me a long time before I'm ready to talk about things and it's true that my husband is usually the one to apologize first and bring us back together. 
I'm wondering whether or not I should be worried about what happened last night. Am I overreacting? He didn't hurt me at all...he just held me captive against my will. Does anyone else have experience with this? 
Thank you for any advice you can offer!!!!


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

You are right to have concerns.
A couple of things that I noticed;
1. I don't know if your backing him re his friend happened in front of his friend or not. If it was in front of the friend, you basically have a choice, back your husband or stay out of it completely.
2. Your husband should always respect your wish for a cooling off period for either or both of you. If he has a real concern, waiting an hour will not change things except allowing tempers to cool.
3. Since most men are physically bigger and stronger than our wives, cornering, pushing, containing, etc is definitely physical abuse. No person has the right to put their hands on another except for physical defense.
4. Once he had you down, his "explanation" was verbal and mental abuse.

He physically forced you to endure his rant about a self perceived wrong done to him.
This will not be the last time, especially if you let him get away with it. Once he knows he can physically, mentally and verbally have his way, you have given him the green light for that type of behavior to continue unabated.
I do agree for the time being to leave family out of it.
See a counselor and insist (don't ask) that he do the same.

I have been married for 27 years and have never laid a hand on my wife. I have never forced her into aq corner and made her listen to my side if she was unwilling.

Good luck!


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## Geranium (Aug 7, 2009)

Your husband used his greater physical strength to take away your free will. You were afraid. This is unacceptable behavior for a person you rely on to care for you and be a partner to you. You are not responsible for the decision he made to entrap you--no matter what you said or did; the responsibility for that decision is his alone.

I think that seeking marriage counseling would be a good move for the two of you--before he can use his physical presence in a forceful way again and do irreparable damage to the trust in your relationship.

It also seems like your husband and you might have some isues with the way that you treat one another during an argument, generally speaking. It's always hard when two people have very different approaches to conflict resolution--especially if one of those is a flight response, and the other person sees that as a sign of abandonment. Counseling would give your husband a chance to further explore the intensity of his response to your need to "leave" the argument space....


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