# Will the day come I don't think of it?



## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

I've been married for 27 years to a wonderful man.......you know us, everyone's version of the "perfect couple". (No such thing, of course, since there is no such thing as a perfect human being) We always swore to never forget that the husband and wife were the foundation of the family. He's always made it clear of his love for me. People I meet for the first time all say the same thing...."I feel I know you, he talks of nothing else but you and the kids". 

Two months ago he confessed to a brief affair with a coworker. I still wouldn't believe it if had not come from his mouth to my ears. He was miserable with guilt, couldn't sleep, doesn't understand why he did it.....and in fact, trying to understand the "why" of this haunts him more than me, I think. He says it was a nightmare for two months. I had my "dark night of the soul", wished terrible things upon them both, knowing I would never do them, cried my eyes out, and prayed and prayed for strength, which thankfully helped tremendously. 

Once the confession was made, and I began to look back, I realized we had allowed a lot of things to slip silently away over the years (time alone, date nights, etc). He ended the affair the same day (I'm certain he confessed in order to do this), and we have a renewed dedication to one another. We talk openly about everything.....he is "transparent" for me....no secrets. I ask, he answers. At first I checked his cell phone and email regularly, but already the need to do that constantly is beginning to wane.....I just can't spend the rest of my life being constantly suspicious (although I will never stick my head in the sand again). 

I guess my biggest problem right now is the hurt. I seem to stumble upon it again around every corner. It seems every woman in the world suddenly has her name....I see and hear it everywhere. It does not help that they still work together, and her husband never found out. I've made it clear that this will have to end, but I'm allowing the situation to play out, because circumstances will almost certainly change the work scenario very soon. 

Adding to this mix is our almost-16-year-old daughter. Every word from MY mouth right now is crap to her, but oh, she's Daddy's girl for sure (normally that would thrill me, but darn it hurts right now). 

Someone out there please tell me this aching heart gets better with time.....................


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

well i felt i had to respond to you.
my H had a one night stand in april 08, we split up for a few months - i found i needed time to myself. 
i went out with my brother loads, to get everything out of my system. 
the hurt wil be with you for a while to come.
if you want to stay in the marriage.
you wil have to learn to forgive. but you wont forget and i dont think really the trust ever comes back. 
its been 7 months for us and in my opinion an affair is worse. there is alot more going on in an affair.
but my first H had affairs and it meant nothin for him to get on with the next affair once he'd had enough. 
i didnt know this part at the time and caught him on the last and biggest affair, which was for the last 6 months of the marriage.
i was totaly broke mentally and physically, but i saw the marriage as an opportunity to end especially as i was hit on a regular basis.
as for this H, well what a shock after 13 yrs, it hit me like a ton of bricks, totally unexpected.
i try really hard not to mention april in an aggressive way or use it as a tool for other means. otherwise you wont move on in your head.
but now we talk about it , when i get low and i need support .
i stil have down days and although we got back together , im now at a point where suddenly my love switch got turned off.
i dont love my H at the moment, hoping it wil kick in at some point.
but H understands this. 
its his turn to be patient and understanding.
the aching heart you have wil be loving and hating at different times.
in time, the aching wil stop aching ,for periods of time. but it wil return at times when you also least expect it. 
your daughter has her own ideas, but remember she has her own relationship with you.
she is not leading your relationship with your H - you are. its your hurt and your life.
yes my children are younger 8 and 11.
i gave them oppotunity to ask questions. i told them why i was sad and why i was hurting and if i cried they understood. 
i was very honest and open with them. it was better than keeping it from them and no i dont think i was being selfish to myself. 
from trial and error, when i kept things from my children, they were more aggressive and unresponsive to commands because they didnt understand.
try and do the same , no matter what she thinks of you.
i do agree with you and the thing that my H did was get rid of the ppl and issues that he had that had aided the night to end like it did.
he calmed down on the drink , sought help for his problems. but importantly got rid of the best friend that encouraged the act.
yes i blame my H 100% for his act, but their are ppl out there that are jealous of what you have and wil go all out to get what they want.
in my case his mate wanted my H all to himself. jealous friends.
if they cant have what you have , they take it away in another way.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Emotional affairs do heal with time. The feeling of being betrayed will subside and the feeling that you can not trust him will deminish too. The fact he is leading an open life helps the situation and the fact he loves you enough to admit it helps also.

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

The wounds are still very fresh for you but will heal with time. I don’t condone your husband’s actions but respect him for realizing his mistake and coming clean with you. Continue to monitor as you see fit until he has regained your trust. Return to the things you see that have “slipped” to rebuild love and intimacy. As for your 16 year old, most kids go through a period that everything both parents say is “crap”. Be grateful she is still respectful of her father. It’s not a competition, she’s just being a teen. She too will come back around. Good luck and keep working at this. It does get better.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

Hello everyone. Just wanted to check in with an update. It's been four months since "D-day" and a couple of months since my original post. This forum has helped me so tremendously, and I wanted to share my progress. 

My husband and I have a renewed relationship, and I don't think I realized how much I missed that until all this happened. 

The OW is gone from his work scene.....that was a major relief to me, and I am glad I was patient and waited for that to happen instead of trying to force someone's hand. I have to admit, though, that I needed her out of our lives NOT because I was worried about a repeat of the affair, but because she was a reminder of the wrong he had done, and the hurt he caused us both. It is so true that oftentimes the cheaters are in great pain too......(at least the ones with a conscious). I saw this so clearly with my husband. 

I think my daughter must have instictively sensed the unrest in me, but as I have continued to find my smile again, she too has come around a bit more....at 16, that's saying a lot! 

Things are so much better today than they were a few months ago, and I hope that someone reading this post with fresh pain of their own will take heart.........it really is always darkest before the dawn. 

The economy stinks, our jobs are uncertain, and who knows what the future will bring..........but we will face it together, of THAT I am sure, and there's no one else I'd want to do it with!


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

That is wonderful news, and I'm so happy for you that you were able to work things out between you and make your marriage better than it was before. Congrats!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Blindsided

Thank you so much for your update. It should as if things have turned the corner on a couple of fronts. Keep up the work on your marriage and good luck to you all.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Well you described our situation nearly to a T. How you felt in your original post and how you do now. The only difference is the OW was a neighbor and friend of mine. She is now out of the picture, moved away. She lives in the same town so there is chance always of running in to her. She has tried to contact him but he refuses to respond. It has gotten easier and he has become transparent like you described. We are almost at the 6 month point. 

Actually last weekend we had a very serious heart to heart. That was a turning point. I think he wanted to forget and move on, talk about it as little as possible but was open if I brought it up. After a hard conversation Sunday he now feels closer and its ok if we talk about it. Not sure how to describe but we just got closer by talking about this whereas before usually it was hurt feelings and seem to push us back a bit in our progress. 

I think that you will continue to hit these little turning points until one day you just don't think about it. But no there is no way you will ever forget but likely it will take something to trigger the memory whereas right now EVERYTHING is a trigger. H told me the other night, he will never forget what he did. My answer was "I don't really want you to forget because that means mistakes could be repeated. What I want is for you to forgive yourself, because I do"...

I'm sure you have your good days and bad days, let me tell you I do. Feel as if I'm riding a rollercoaster! But the "lows" are getting less severe and less frequent and the "highs" are more intense now than ever before because of the renewed connection, 

I wish you the best.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Controlling my thoughts after my wife confessed was very difficult….time does help, but also dealing with the affair in a healthy way. Discussing it helps get it in the open, but there are specific things that do need to happen for this to be dealt with in a healthy way. Once we worked through a program it seemed to hit all of the aspects….ending contact with the other person, forgiving (he needs to forgive himself, you need to forgive yourself for letting things slip, and forgive him for what he did). Working on rebuilding trust. Identifying what was missing, or how it was able to happen. 
I am happy to hear you made progress and I hope it is all a positive journey for you. We had our ups and downs. The affair caused us to talk and get everything on the table. We have been married 10 years, with 2 kids under 10, and I can’t believe how much stuff we each had to unload. I can only imagine 20+ years.
Good luck and God Bless


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