# Controlling Behavior by husband



## pearl18 (Apr 3, 2010)

I've been married 23 years and we have 4 kids. We have been having a lot of problems in our marriage lately. We are working through things at this point. I wanted to get people's opinions on something my husband does to me constantly...

If I want to exercise, he questions me about it. When did you go? How long did you go for? Why did it take so long? You really like to exercise? He won't ask ALL these questions at once but I usually get 1-2 every time I exercise. Also, yesterday, I came back from exercising but was really tired because I had not been able to sleep the night before. He then starts asking, "Why did you exercise if you were so tired?" Later, "maybe you shouldn't have exercised if you were tired.

Another example, is if I try to do things with my girlfriends. Honestly, I go out with them once every 2-3 months at best. As soon as I mention that I was planning to go out with them, I hear, "Oh, great, I was planning for us to go out tonight" or "You don't want to go out on a date tonight?" or "I wish I had known that cause I was waiting for you so we could go out". Here is the thing....in the last 18 years (since we had our first son), he has MAYBE taken me out 5 times. So, the fact is that he never has plans...never takes me out. Its so clear that the only reason he is saying this is because he doesn't want me to go out w/my friends.

These are my main examples but there are others. Seems like he wants to make me feel guilty about everything. Anyone have any insight into what is going on? Is this insecurity? Controlling behavior? What is it? 

Any insights are appreciated.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

I've being married 28 years and we have 4 kids
while reading your post i felt you are telling my story 
we are now separated under the same roof for 28 years he was trying to contole everything about me the way i talk to who i talk who to be friend with....he is so jealouse he was always questioning or criticizing the way i get dressed when i go out with who and why and for how long all kind of questions even blaming me if i was happy or i dressed nicely he also never planed and rarely took me out without the kids even when we use to go together we never had fun or we fight or he keep looking around how guys look at me or if i look to anyone he use to make big deal of it especially if i talk and laugh with any guy
I don't want to talk so much about me but just i like to let you know you are not alone and my thoughts with you


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## Chuck and Kathy (Apr 6, 2010)

Your husband shows concern about you exercising because he is afraid you may be doing it for someone else. His comments about taking you out even though he has not shown this tendency over the years is a defense mechanism because he is afraid to lose you and he knows no other way to explain it to you. Please open communication up with him and tell him why you are exercising and take him up on the date offer. It takes two people to communicate and you may be the one that has to initiate the start up. If you are not interested in another person please open up lines of communication to improve misunderstandings.
Regards,
Chuck and Kathy


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

pearl18 said:


> When did you go? How long did you go for? Why did it take so long? You really like to exercise?
> 
> Another example, is if I try to do things with my girlfriends. Honestly, I go out with them once every 2-3 months at best. As soon as I mention that I was planning to go out with them, I hear, "Oh, great, I was planning for us to go out tonight" or "You don't want to go out on a date tonight?" or "I wish I had known that cause I was waiting for you so we could go out". Here is the thing....in the last 18 years (since we had our first son), he has MAYBE taken me out 5 times. So, the fact is that he never has plans...never takes me out. Its so clear that the only reason he is saying this is because he doesn't want me to go out w/my friends.


i do this to my H all the time. when my H is home, i really dont pay attention to him. but the minute he says he's doing something else, i pout and give him a guilt trip. i have no idea why i do it. i will do the same thing your H does, though. i'll tell him i wanted to be with him, or why doesnt he ever want to be with me- like we arent together 24/7 as it is. when we are together he sits on his computer and i sit on mine. so i dont know why i freak out all of a sudden when he says he's going out with his coworkers.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

In my case, my ex resented and attempted to "guilt" me out of ever spending money on myself. In the last 10 years, whenever I wanted to see a movie (2-3 times a year, max), he'd make a big issue out of it. Less than $30/year, and he got angry and acted annoyed, and would then "punish" me by behaving in passive-aggressive ways--the kids wouldn't be put to bed when I got home, the kitchen would be a mess, and he'd go to bed when I walked in the door. 

Yeah, my ex. . .


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

pearl 18, just a question or two for you, and no I'm not a controlling person. Is this exercise thing new? If so, how new? Sometimes just change alone will throw a partner even if nothing "nefarious" is going on.

Furthermore, and feel free to answer this only to yourself if you'd like, but why weren't you able to sleep? Did this effect your husband in anyway? 

I think us men folk are pretty easy to understand. If he's acting controlling it's likely because he is feeling insecure in your relationship. If you love him; it really benefits you and your family to let him know that he is loved. It's also very inexpensive to do, and is much cheaper and less fattening than chocolates.

I think if he feels a little more relaxed and "safe" in your relationship pearl18, the leash may loosen a little. Just one man's thoughts.

LIL


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My H was exactly the same the first 10 years, so much so that I quit doing anything except be with him; just like an abuse victim, I gave up my friends, activities, most time with my family...all just to keep him from questioning everything I did. 

He also kept asking me if I loved him. The main reason, I think, is that I am very withdrawn - not demonstrative at all. He is overly demonstrative. So he assumed I didn't want him, since I didn't show love in the way HE did. Thus the questions.

After about 10 years, he didn't do it so much, but by that time, I had ingrained the habits of doing nothing into MYSELF! Tomorrow is our 30 year anniversary, and this year is the first year I have started doing anything on my own.

When I was in therapy, my counselor's homework for me was to tell my husband that I was going to go out for the afternoon, by myself, on Saturday. That's it. Just tell him that, and go. I tried to do it for months! And I chickened out every single time, because I was so conflict avoidant and didn't want the questions to start up again.

Don't be like me. Tell him how you feel about what he's doing. And do NOT stop doing what you need. On the other hand, don't be going out and doing tons of stuff if you aren't also doing just as much with HIM.


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## pearl18 (Apr 3, 2010)

Thanks for letting me know I am not alone. I don't think my husband is as bad as yours. He doesn't criticize the way I dress get the impression he wonders WHY I might be dressed so nice. He did tell me a few weeks ago that I looked the best I ever have in years but seemed mad about that. I asked him if he preferred that I look bad? He said "no". But, it is so frustrating to deal w/this everyday. Thanks again.





Le vieux sage said:


> I've being married 28 years and we have 4 kids
> while reading your post i felt you are telling my story
> we are now separated under the same roof for 28 years he was trying to contole everything about me the way i talk to who i talk who to be friend with....he is so jealouse he was always questioning or criticizing the way i get dressed when i go out with who and why and for how long all kind of questions even blaming me if i was happy or i dressed nicely he also never planed and rarely took me out without the kids even when we use to go together we never had fun or we fight or he keep looking around how guys look at me or if i look to anyone he use to make big deal of it especially if i talk and laugh with any guy
> I don't want to talk so much about me but just i like to let you know you are not alone and my thoughts with you


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## pearl18 (Apr 3, 2010)

Thanks for responding. I think you are right for the most part. One of my biggest frustrations in our marriage is that I already do about 98% of the workload at home--pay bills, garden, transport kids, help w/homework, cook dinner, clean the house, do the laundry, etc etc. I feel like he SHOULD be able to handle arranging one thing -- a date once or twice a month. I have to do that too?? I have had this discussion w/him over & over. Like I said, he has had every opportunity to take me out but ONLY SAYS he planned to bring me out the nights I have plans w/friends. There is never actually a plan--its just an excuse so I won't go out w/my friends or will feel guilty for doing it. I actually did have an EA (Emotional Affair) about 6 months ago but he never found out about it. However, the issue I asked about on here was going on long before the EA. Its been this way forever. So, I am trying to understand why he has the need to question everythign I do & make me feel guilty.




Chuck and Kathy said:


> Your husband shows concern about you exercising because he is afraid you may be doing it for someone else. His comments about taking you out even though he has not shown this tendency over the years is a defense mechanism because he is afraid to lose you and he knows no other way to explain it to you. Please open communication up with him and tell him why you are exercising and take him up on the date offer. It takes two people to communicate and you may be the one that has to initiate the start up. If you are not interested in another person please open up lines of communication to improve misunderstandings.
> Regards,
> Chuck and Kathy


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## pearl18 (Apr 3, 2010)

Well, I appreciate your honesty. Do you think its insecurity or jealousy? Just wondering. The problem is that when he does this, it makes me become emotionally disconnected to him. Its like he's smothering me. If you love someone, you will be happy if they are doing something they love. I love to exercise & once in a while I need girl time (I have four sons!). 




Blanca said:


> i do this to my H all the time. when my H is home, i really dont pay attention to him. but the minute he says he's doing something else, i pout and give him a guilt trip. i have no idea why i do it. i will do the same thing your H does, though. i'll tell him i wanted to be with him, or why doesnt he ever want to be with me- like we arent together 24/7 as it is. when we are together he sits on his computer and i sit on mine. so i dont know why i freak out all of a sudden when he says he's going out with his coworkers.


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## pearl18 (Apr 3, 2010)

That sounds familiar. I get attacked for getting my haircut & colored about 4 times a year. It isn't cheap but I don't get my nails done, massages, etc. Its the one and only thing I do to look nice. My husband throws a ton of passive-aggressive comments at me. He doesn't seem to "see it" even though I've pointed it out over and over. I think he's just gotten into a habit that he can't break. I was thinking maybe I need to start doing the same thing to him.




sisters359 said:


> In my case, my ex resented and attempted to "guilt" me out of ever spending money on myself. In the last 10 years, whenever I wanted to see a movie (2-3 times a year, max), he'd make a big issue out of it. Less than $30/year, and he got angry and acted annoyed, and would then "punish" me by behaving in passive-aggressive ways--the kids wouldn't be put to bed when I got home, the kitchen would be a mess, and he'd go to bed when I walked in the door.
> 
> Yeah, my ex. . .


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## pearl18 (Apr 3, 2010)

I appreciate your comments/questions. First, I did mention above & will be honest here and say that I did have an EA (Emotional Affair) about six months ago. My husband never found out but it has caused additional problems (for me both mentally & emotionally) since it ended. That being said, the behaviors I've mentioned on the part of my husband have always been there. THey have definitely gotten worse because he knows I am more distant, but the things he says/does have are not new to our marriage. 

I have always exercised & gone through periods where I did it more than other times. One reason I am exercising more is that my son goes w/me to the gym & likes to exercise too. Also, just so you know, my increased frequency of exercising began after the EA ended. It is more to do w/joining a new health club & my son going with me now. 

I guess I feel like he is jealous. He has always given me a hard time about doing things w/my girlfriends. This is not new. I don't understand his issues because until the EA, I was completely faithful for 23 years. He had no reasons to not trust me. Yet, this questioning continued.

My sleep issues are related to marriage problems, the EA & getting over that, a son with Aspergers Syndrome...the list goes on and on. I don't sleep well lately.

I do understand your point completely about showing him love. We are not at a good pt in our relationship, so I "get" that he might feel insecure. However, as I said earlier, he has been this way our whole marriage & I feel like I did everything to show him love. Thanks again.





lastinline said:


> pearl 18, just a question or two for you, and no I'm not a controlling person. Is this exercise thing new? If so, how new? Sometimes just change alone will throw a partner even if nothing "nefarious" is going on.
> 
> Furthermore, and feel free to answer this only to yourself if you'd like, but why weren't you able to sleep? Did this effect your husband in anyway?
> 
> ...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

pearl18 said:


> Well, I appreciate your honesty. Do you think its insecurity or jealousy? Just wondering. The problem is that when he does this, it makes me become emotionally disconnected to him. Its like he's smothering me. If you love someone, you will be happy if they are doing something they love. I love to exercise & once in a while I need girl time (I have four sons!).


well, what LIL said is pretty much true for me. i know it smothers him and it did push him away. he started resenting me. but i think i get jealous when he does anything else because we never do anything; and its not just that we dont do anything, its that even if we do something together i feel like he'd rather be doing something else. basically it doesnt matter what we do together because i will always feel like he'd rather be doing something else. i feel like he's humoring me, but he's never really emotionally there. he's completely engaged when he's doing his activities but he's only half there when he's with me.


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## pearl18 (Apr 3, 2010)

turnera said:


> My H was exactly the same the first 10 years, so much so that I quit doing anything except be with him; just like an abuse victim, I gave up my friends, activities, most time with my family...all just to keep him from questioning everything I did.
> 
> He also kept asking me if I loved him. The main reason, I think, is that I am very withdrawn - not demonstrative at all. He is overly demonstrative. So he assumed I didn't want him, since I didn't show love in the way HE did. Thus the questions.
> 
> ...


Okay, thanks much. That helps. I do think he kind of feels like he is being left out of my life because we are having problems right now so I really don't LOVE being w/him. Also, we have nothing in common so the only things we do together are go out for dinner (w/kids in tow) or go to a movie. Our interests are very different. I will take your advice though.


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## ppl (Apr 8, 2010)

sounds like he is justified in being insecure. he needs to start doing stuff on his own too. seems like your headed toward split


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

pearl18 said:


> Okay, thanks much. That helps. I do think he kind of feels like he is being left out of my life because we are having problems right now so I really don't LOVE being w/him. Also, we have nothing in common so the only things we do together are go out for dinner (w/kids in tow) or go to a movie. Our interests are very different. I will take your advice though.


 It bothers me when people say we have nothing in common. Why? Because that only means HE doesn't like what YOU like, so you aren't going to try to find a middle ground. Marriage takes work, from both of you. By all means tell him how you feel and always be honest. But you have to be thinking of what makes him happy, too. And you have to FIND ways to have something in common.


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## asteri (Mar 20, 2010)

turnera said:


> It bothers me when people say we have nothing in common. Why? Because that only means HE doesn't like what YOU like, so you aren't going to try to find a middle ground. Marriage takes work, from both of you. By all means tell him how you feel and always be honest. But you have to be thinking of what makes him happy, too. And you have to FIND ways to have something in common.


I felt some relief when I read your post. I too am going through a difficult situation at the moment - feeling unhappy in marriage/worried that H and I may not be compatible etc. I too have the impression that we don't have much in common and that is worrying because we are always reading how important it is for a couple to have common interests if their relationship is to be successful. It definitely is an extra difficulty in marriage. Any further advice anyone has on things that couples can do together even if their interests are very different would be appreciated.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

I know of your situation from the other threads(infidelity). This is something new to me though, your husband questioning u. Does he maybe know about the EA, or just think there is another man in your life? It sounds like he is very insecure and jealous of u especially if u r exercising with your son. I told u on the other post to start communicating with him alot more,,,, I also said I wouldn't tell him about the EA either right now. It sounds like he needs to be woke up to some facts or else u will walk, I can see it coming. COMMUNICATE with him right now before its too late.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

deleted, double post


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

asteri said:


> I felt some relief when I read your post. I too am going through a difficult situation at the moment - feeling unhappy in marriage/worried that H and I may not be compatible etc. I too have the impression that we don't have much in common and that is worrying because we are always reading how important it is for a couple to have common interests if their relationship is to be successful. It definitely is an extra difficulty in marriage. Any further advice anyone has on things that couples can do together even if their interests are very different would be appreciated.


I have a list I give out for some ideas. They may not be what you like NOW, but the point is to try things TOGETHER, and you may decide you like them. Just because you don't like it now, or haven't tried it, doesn't mean you won't like it. And your marriage deserves that you try.

Read a book together
Take turns picking out a movie to watch
Bring out the board games, at least once a week
Start a solitaire club with some neighbors or friends, play solitaire against each other one night a week or month
Start gardening together
Grow herbs/vegetables/fruits
Take walks
Start a sport together; take classes at a community college, such as racquetball or volleyball
Get bikes and start riding bikes together
Sign up for an MS 150 and train for the bike ride all year
Plan some day trips, start taking one every month
Try out one new restaurant every week, take turns choosing and surprising the other with it
Go to bookstore and get a book like “52 great invitations to sex” in which you both have 26 invitations for a special evening to invite the other one, and you set it up, give the other the invitation (included in book) and then put on the evening
Join an online gaming community together (but don’t get addicted!)
Buy a Wii or Guitar Hero and play together
Give each other foot rubs
Take massage class together and practice giving each other massages
Go back to school together
Get a pet, take it to obedience school and learn to train it (if applicable)
Join a neighborhood dinner club or other club
Volunteer together
Join a church or get more involved in your church
Take a cooking class together and take turns cooking for each other
Go to HGTV.com and pick out a project to do for your house together
Take free classes at Home Depot on how to fix something at your house
Start a business together
Organize a block party
Organize a family reunion
Start working with a financial planner or learn about stocks together
Take dancing lessons together; if you like it, start entering in competitions
Go online for your city and look up 'activities' and 'family' and maybe even 'free' if your city is big enough; subscribe to those websites and go there every month to look for upcoming activities you can all do together; you can find plays, music events, art things, sports things, picnics, etc.


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## asteri (Mar 20, 2010)

Thanks for the ideas. Actually, looking at the list I see that there are quite a few things on there that we already do together, so perhaps we are not as incompatible as I was imagining. Perhaps I was looking at 'compatibility' in the wrong way. There are also some other good ones I will definitely give a try. 
Thanks for the ideas.


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## tiffgirl (Apr 18, 2010)

Sounds like he is insecure and possible scared of losing you? Could you try to meet 1/2 way and tell him what you are doing instead of him asking? Also possibly encourage him to get a hobby or take a class or do something that will make him focus more on himself rather than what you are doing.


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