# Jealousy Issues



## otayman (Sep 20, 2013)

I've been in a relationship for 2 years, married for 7 months. This is both our first marriage she's 39 and I'm 38. Since we're marrying late I understand there has to be ex boyfriends in the past. The problem is my wife constantly talks about ex boyfriends. She doesn't do it in a bad way. She is just chatty. However it's annoying. It seems anything we do comes full circle to an ex boyfriend story. Example we get a Webber grill for a wedding gift and she'll say, "Those are nice, when I lived with Chris he had a Webber and we liked it." We looked into tickets for a football game and she says "My ex and I went and sat on the 40 yard line." I'm military and had a promotion ceremony. After the promotion ceremony she says, "When I used to date the Army guy he took me here for his formal" The list goes on. 

It was at a point where I'd here multiple ex boyfriend stories on a daily basis. I brought it up that this bothers me and she initially laughed it off. She kept bringing up the ex's and I snapped and let her know it really upset me. She's tried to cut back but now I'm ultra sensitive. We argued the other night over firewood. I was trying to decide how much to order and she said," I used to order half a cord" That set me off because of course the only time she had a fireplace was living with an ex boyfriend.

How do I get past this? I feel like a jealous ass.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I think you should just tell her no more ex boyfriend story. The next time she tell one just walk out the room and tell her you not going to listen to story involving them. 

Now regarding the how much wood to buy argument you can't expect her you be able to avoid reference times when she was with someone else. That is something you have to cope with. After all you were the one she chose to marry.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

My W does this as well, and it gets on my nerves at times. In your case, it sounds like your W is just sharing fond memories with you, possibly without the intention of making your jealous.

Or, she's doing it to make you jealous. When you snap, she knows it's working great and she'll keep doing it. Tough one, but showing anger will not help you. At the same time, if something is bothering you, you need to speak up. The next time it happens, CALMLY tell her again that you don't like this, and that you have zero interest in hearing about ex-bf's. If she does it again, committed4's suggestion of simply walking out of the room might be a way to get the message across.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

39 & 38, and you have been in the relationship 2 years.... so the bulk of both of your adult lives have been with other people. You know this of course.

The thing is... you need to stop seeing this as some kind of comparative comptition. She tells you that she and 'chris' had a webber - because, well, you didnt know that and she is sharing her gass grill history with you. 

She married you. You are being a little insecure.

If you cant take any comments about the previous 30 years of her life like 'we used to order a cord of wood', then you have a problem. You both have a problem.

She may have been a little tone-deaf (was she?), and you have mentioned (and snapped) at her because of it - but friend - you need to get over it, and you better figure out a way to deal with this fast because it is already causing friction and unless you both can come to a way to work with this its only going to get worse.

Let me get crass here for a moment shall I? You know she had mad monkey, sweaty sex with these guys too right? She also had, undoubtedly, some of the best times in her life - no question about it. Years and years of good times, bad times too, going out to dinner, different friends, experiences - it is who she is. Maybe she liked to give BJs to the guy you hate the most - and cooked him steaks on that Webber grill for breakfast. They put suntan lotion on each other, went to movies, sat by the fire, got drunk, had fights too.

She married you - and has decided that she wants to spend the rest of her life with you. If you start acting all insecure - she is going to see it as insecurity and lack of trust... and rightfully so. Some on this board will spin this as a 's#it test' and that you need to put that clamps down on this - but Im not buying that here - just based on what you have written. That would be a big mistake.

I would try and clear the air. Tell her that (and dont let me put words in your mouth) that your reaction to her frequent stories and commentary is taking you by surprise.. and that you feel a little jealous and insecure - be honest - just like you described in your post. Tell her how happy you are to be marriied (are you?) and that you trust her completely (do you?) and that you understand that only 5.2% (I did the math) of your lives have so far been spent with each other - and that you WANT her to feel free to continue to share all of her life with you - all of it - without having to walk on eggshells or feeling like maybe she needs to hold things back. She also needs to understand that you have feelings too - ones that are just as valid as hers. Still - I think her keeping the past 15 years of her life filtered and restricted and censored -wondering if she can even say anything to you about it without 'setting you off' will, in the end, be a bigger problem.

You 2 are still pretty new to each other - and have plenty to learn about each other. Your examples (Grill, Wood) do NOT sound like she is drawing comparisons or trying to imply how good her previous boyfriends are... that would be a problem... 

In 10 years, if you are lucky, the 2 of you will have the a beautiful history too. Start making your own memories good ones. At some point - knowing that she and Chris had a Webber gas grill, or that she and someone else once had a great time at a place you have never been to isnt going to matter to you anymore. It simply wont.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> She also needs to understand that you have feelings too.


This is a problem for us also. 

It makes me feel disrespected and inadequate. She has all these old boyfriends, and I have hardly any experience at all. I met both my previous wives in the church and both my marriages ended in death with no unfaithfulness ever on my part.

I think it is normal to feel "insecure" and the laughing-it-off sure didn't help.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I am not so sure it is jealousy or anything else like that. People always say that it's the past, just get over it, she's with you today.  Well, it's no longer the past when it is brought up now. By bringing up those experiences she shared with the other men, se is verbally comparing the now with the past. Maybe she needs to get over the past if it really is the past and leave it there?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She needs to install some lip breaks. It is not cool to constantly bring up ex's. I don't care how much time she's spent with other people. How would she feel if every story you told involved another woman YOU dated?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> *She needs to install some lip breaks.* It is not cool to constantly bring up ex's. I don't care how much time she's spent with other people. How would she feel if every story you told involved another woman YOU dated?


This. She needs a filter, especially if he's brought it up that it makes him uncomfortable.

My STBW has a pretty extensive past, and we live in the same area she spent that past and so this is an issue for us as well. One recent example that I did let slide, but it did bother me...One of the kids bumped their face on a table top and got a scrape. When asked by some other people at churchhow it happened, my STBW Said it happened on the table top that Eric, her live in boyfriend before me, made from the counter top cutouts from where he worked. Why was all that additional detail necessary? It shows that when she looks at that table, there are memories of Eric that she feels compelled to share. Her past is in the here and now, and she verbalized it, so how am I supposed to just get over the past when it is actually the present?


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## otayman (Sep 20, 2013)

Thanks Anotherguy. Your advice stings a little but I think it's what I needed. Maybe I was living in this fantasy world where I liked to imagine she was never intimate with anybody else. Need to accept the reality, move on and stop being stupid. Thanks everyone else for letting me vent.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

otayman said:


> Thanks Anotherguy. Your advice stings a little but I think it's what I needed. Maybe I was living in this fantasy world where I liked to imagine she was never intimate with anybody else. Need to accept the reality, move on and stop being stupid. Thanks everyone else for letting me vent.


You're not being stupid. You are right that you do need to work on this, but it's not just your problem. She needs to work on it too and telling you to just deal wth it is not the right response. She knows it bothers you. It is good that she is trying to cut back on saying things. That shows some respect, and you do need to cut her a little slack as well knowing that she is trying but won't be perfect.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> It shows that when she looks at that table, there are memories of Eric that she feels compelled to share.


I believe in fresh starts and new beginnings. The table would have to go.

My best friend got divorced last year and is remarried. She has so much compassion for her new husband that she's living with thrift store furniture. She'd rather do that than have him live with objects that her ex used.

She gets it.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> She needs to install some lip breaks. It is not cool to constantly bring up ex's. I don't care how much time she's spent with other people. How would she feel if every story you told involved another woman YOU dated?


Prudence, of course, but there is more than that going on here I am guessing.

_*I was trying to decide how much (wood) to order and she said, "I used to order half a cord" That set me off because of course the only time she had a fireplace was living with an ex boyfriend."*_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Prudence, of course, but there is more than that going on here I am guessing.
> 
> _*I was trying to decide how much (wood) to order and she said, "I used to order half a cord" That set me off because of course the only time she had a fireplace was living with an ex boyfriend."*_


She should have just kept her mouth SHUT. Let the OP figure out how much wood to order. Why the argument over it?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I believe in fresh starts and new beginnings. The table would have to go.
> 
> My best friend got divorced last year and is remarried. She has so much compassion for her new husband that she's living with thrift store furniture. She'd rather do that than have him live with objects that her ex used.
> 
> She gets it.


You know, I would like that to happen sooo badly, but also realize that we are not in the financial shape to really do that. We have actually talked about it, and for her, I do believe that those things don't mean anything special, but it does bug me.

The biggie that still gets to me from time to time is that I sleep next to her in her marital bed. When I expressed it being uncomfortable to me, her first reaction was that we need to go find a different bed then, but finding another waterbad would be a challenge. The fact that I am sleeping in another mans spot next to her I am sure subconsciously contributes to my ED issues.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> She should have just kept her mouth SHUT. Let the OP figure out how much wood to order. Why the argument over it?


Q: (OP) "I wonder how much wood we should get"?

A: (wife) "I used to order 1/2 a cord".

response: "Gah! you are talking about your previoous wonderful life with one of your old boyfriends again! Stop it! Why do you constantly have to do this!"

==

OK, I made that up... but Sorry, not buying that this is a bad thing that requires that she 'Keep her mouth SHUT'. Thats silly.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> You know, I would like that to happen sooo badly, but also realize that we are not in the financial shape to really do that. We have actually talked about it, and for her, I do believe that those things don't mean anything special, but it does bug me.
> 
> The biggie that still gets to me from time to time is that I sleep next to her in her marital bed. When I expressed it being uncomfortable to me, her first reaction was that we need to go find a different bed then, but finding another waterbad would be a challenge. The fact that I am sleeping in another mans spot next to her I am sure subconsciously contributes to my ED issues.


Sam the bed was the FIRST THING to go when I remarried my husband. He had a bed he bought just months earlier and he was the only one that ever slept in it, so we went with that. Mine went directly to the trash.

We believe in imprints that other people leave in or on objects. Bad ju ju if you will. The bed isn't just a bed to us... too much intimacy goes on in it for that. I wouldn't be comfortable sleeping in another woman's spot... hell to the no. I don't blame you for feeling icky over it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I am just going to say this again because I want to...

If it's the past, it needs to stay in the past and not be brought up in the present because then it is no longer the past, but becomes the present.

Rather than telling the person with the issue with the past to get over it, the person WITH the past needs to just leave the past in the past.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Q: (OP) "I wonder how much wood we should get"?
> 
> *A: (wife) "I used to order 1/2 a cord".*
> 
> ...


Ahh, but she could have just said "A half cord would probably be good."


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

See I think she made this bed and now everything she says is suspect. To break the dynamic she will have to stop talking for a bit or at least choose her words VERY carefully until she stops this bad habit.

Had she never mentioned the ex's in the first place this wouldn't have been an issue. She could have easily said "I used to order 1/2 cord" and he would have been fine with it.

There are consequences to our actions and this is one of them. She was HIGHLY inconsiderate with all the chatty conversations about ex's. Who wants to hear about that? LOL


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Ahh, but she could have just said "A half cord would probably be good."


:iagree:


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I wouldn't want to be censoring everything I said thinking I could send my husband into a tizzy if I said the 'wrong' thing or referenced my past in some way. 

Sure the past is past, but the wood argument shouldn't have happened. Her response is being dissected and for what? I'm sure the OP has talked about something he USED to do. Maybe more than he realizes. It's conversation.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> You know, I would like that to happen sooo badly, but also realize that we are not in the financial shape to really do that. We have actually talked about it, and for her, I do believe that those things don't mean anything special, but it does bug me.
> 
> The biggie that still gets to me from time to time is that I sleep next to her in her marital bed. When I expressed it being uncomfortable to me, her first reaction was that we need to go find a different bed then, but finding another waterbad would be a challenge. The fact that I am sleeping in another mans spot next to her I am sure subconsciously contributes to my ED issues.


OK - eveyone knows generally how I feel about 'prior lives' etc...

but even I would probably want to get a new bed. Sounds like she was FULLY on board with it - you should persue it.

We transitioned out of the waterbed years ago and she was almost in tears over it...but it was simply getting old... we had it for 15-20 years and replaced the mattress twice. Finally came to the conclusion that water beds (old ones) just dont breathe enough etc. We finally did settle on a 'Natures Rest' mattress and we both love it. Look into it if you dont go back to water. 

Neither of us like the 'memory foam' mattresses - and this Natures rest (latex foam) mattress is just realy, really comfortable. We both love it. It doesnt 'rock and roll' during playtime like the old waterbed, but it is, I think - could be - even easier to sleep on. She has had back problems in the past and thought the waterbetd was the only solution - but has never had problems with the new bed.

Mattresses by Nature's Rest. The Earth's Best Resource For Sleep


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And for the record, NO I wouldn't expect or want to hear about an ex every 5 minutes. THAT is very inconsiderate.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> And for the record, NO I wouldn't expect or want to hear about an ex every 5 minutes. THAT is very inconsiderate.


The word the OP used was 'constantly'.

An occasional mention of an ex is acceptable.

This is not.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> I think you should just tell her no more ex boyfriend story. The next time she tell one just walk out the room and tell her you not going to listen to story involving them.
> 
> Now regarding the how much wood to buy argument you can't expect her you be able to avoid reference times when she was with someone else. That is something you have to cope with. After all you were the one she chose to marry.


Totally agree, but there's a respect issue.

Anytime these types of conversations happen to me, I speak in the singular as in.

His wife could've easily said
"Oh I had a webber before..I really liked it"
"I once sat at the 40 yard line, it was great"
Doesn't even have to mention being at the army thing
"When I bought wood before, I'd buy a 1/2 cord"

You don't have to link every thing in your life to the ex you were with at the time. It was still you as an individual. 

Frankly this would get old QUICK for me. I have ZERO issues with my wife's history and past, and we've had discussions where ex's were topics. But the OP's wife seems to make a point to connect the dots where it's not needed.


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## otayman (Sep 20, 2013)

The bed thing sort of bothered me too. You're not alone in that respect Samyeagar


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> I am just going to say this again because I want to...
> 
> If it's the past, it needs to stay in the past and not be brought up in the present because then it is no longer the past, but becomes the present.
> 
> Rather than telling the person with the issue with the past to get over it, the person WITH the past needs to just leave the past in the past.


to piggy back on this point...about the past... I also do not believe in thigs like purging old pictures. This is very different than pulling them out all the time for a presentation or show-and-tell.

I too believe in fresh starts - but cutting out your lifes past with an axe is stupid and near sighted. When you are 80 with your spouse of 60 years or whatever - you will both wish you didnt.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Totally agree, but there's a respect issue.
> 
> *Anytime these types of conversations happen to me, I speak in the singular as in.*
> 
> ...


This. I make a very conscious effort to do the same thing.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I believe in fresh starts and new beginnings. The table would have to go.
> 
> My best friend got divorced last year and is remarried. She has so much compassion for her new husband that she's living with thrift store furniture. She'd rather do that than have him live with objects that her ex used.
> 
> She gets it.


HAHA, I totally agree with this one.

One thing my wife and I did was any furniture that was used for "extra curricular" activities with others didn't come with us to our home together. She had a table that was used and I had a chair when we were sort of living together at her condo. It wasn't an issue and I had even fixed the table when we were in her condo even though I knew it had a couple bad legs FROM the "experience" my wife had on it LOL. I wasn't insecure about it, but I wasn't going to move that piece of furniture either. 

She was funnier with the chair. She cut up a section of the chair that certain things happened on before we threw it out. LOL.

It was fun to talk about those stories during our dating and how it was funny. It was also meaningful to toss them in the dumpster when we moved in together like putting our pasts 100% behind us. Not the memories, but the significance.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> to piggy back on this point...about the past... I also do not believe in thigs like purging old pictures. This is very different than pulling them out all the time for a presentation or show-and-tell.
> 
> I too believe in fresh starts - but cutting out your lifes past with an axe is stupid and near sighted. *When you are 80 with your spouse of 60 years or whatever - you will both wish you didnt*.


I understand what you are saying here, but I can honestly say, no I will be very happy with my decision to remove physical reminders such as that.

WHen my ex wife and I divorced, she gave me one of the wedding photo albums. When I moved in with my STBW, it didn't come with me. I feel no compulsion to share that with her as those pictures of that one day have no relavence to the present, nor will they ever have again. She knows I was married, has even met my ex wife. There is no need for her to have to look at tangible, visual evidence of me pledging my love and devotion to another woman because that is my PAST.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

The bed thing does hammer home (to me) that we all may have different lines to cross and different feelings on different aspects of this. Why (hypothetically) would the old bed bother me if I am OK with everything else? There isnt a definitive right answer here - and there ARE definitely plusses and minuses to everything suggested here.

I think the point, OP - is to find out what will work for the 2 of you - looks like you have plenty of suggestions to go with!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'd rather sleep on an air mattress than on a bed my husband shared with an ex.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> I understand what you are saying here, but I can honestly say, no I will be very happy with my decision to remove physical reminders such as that.
> 
> WHen my ex wife and I divorced, she gave me one of the wedding photo albums. When I moved in with my STBW, it didn't come with me. I feel no compulsion to share that with her as those pictures of that one day have no relavence to the present, nor will they ever have again. She knows I was married, has even met my ex wife. There is no need for her to have to look at tangible, visual evidence of me pledging my love and devotion to another woman because that is my PAST.


I can definitely respect that.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

And oh so lovely...this thread has triggered the whole bed thing with me again


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I'd rather sleep on an air mattress than on a bed my husband shared with an ex.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I'd rather sleep on an air mattress than on a bed my husband shared with an ex.


Gross. The floor would be fine. I kid you not, me and the H only slept had happy time in HIS bed at HIS house when we dated. When he came over to mine he slept on the floor or the sofa. He didn't want any part of my ex's/my bed. 

It was cool to meet someone who had the same feelings about the bed as I did. I thought I was weird. lol


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> and oh so lovely...this thread has triggered the whole bed thing with me again


sorry! I didnt realise it was 'a thing'!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My hb used to do the same thing, and in unbelievably inappropriate ways. We'd be taking a bath together and he'd say "i was in the bath with this girl and she hit her back", or I'd say something about having some stretch marks and I'd get "I dated this girl with stretch marks and she'd ask me to close my eyes during sex". There are many other examples as well; I see this as so incredibly rude, and I'd say something to him about it and it would stop for a little while and then start up again. Finally I snapped and ripped him a new one; I told him about the big d$ck one of my exes had and some other stories. Then I told him that people that talk about exes look pathetic and insecure, nobody cares, and that the next time an ex came up I was not going to say a word and would go to the pantry and get him a cookie, because he clearly wanted a pat on the back. It hasn't happened since, and its been a couple of years now. I have come to realize though that it has nothing to do with me and is all about his fear of getting older, so reliving ex stories from when he was younger helped him avoid facing that he was getting older. I think he knew it bothered me but until I blew up he didn't realize how damaging to our relationship it was. If you want to use my tactics then let her have it once, share lots of your own ex stories, then get her a cookie every time it comes up. If she's like my hb she'll feel stupid when you do this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I understand what you are saying here, but I can honestly say, no I will be very happy with my decision to remove physical reminders such as that.
> 
> WHen my ex wife and I divorced, she gave me one of the wedding photo albums. When I moved in with my STBW, it didn't come with me. I feel no compulsion to share that with her as those pictures of that one day have no relavence to the present, nor will they ever have again. She knows I was married, has even met my ex wife. There is no need for her to have to look at tangible, visual evidence of me pledging my love and devotion to another woman because that is my PAST.




Wow, I have so much respect for this. It tells me that you don't have any unfinished business where your ex is concerned; that is a major thing I always looked for in potential partners.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

:lol::rofl:

Lifeistooshort thanks for the chuckle.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> sorry! I didnt realise it was 'a thing'!


Hell, I did it to myself...I'm the one who brought it up LOL! I'm kind of glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I really think I do need to do something about it. I'll find a way to pay for it.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> ...Then I told him that people that talk about exes look pathetic and insecure, nobody cares, and that the next time an ex came up I was not going to say a word and would go to the pantry and get him a cookie, because he clearly wanted a pat on the back. It hasn't happened since, and its been a couple of years now....


you. I like you.

I appreciate people that can slam a problem closed like this that is creative, effective, and done with a sense of humor. FAR better than issuing a directive or setting ultimatums or pitching a fit.

Freaking BRAVO. :smthumbup:


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

We are planning on going to Vegas next August to get maried. She has been there a couple of times already with her ex husband for pool tournaments. She has told me a bunch about the trips and things that they did and such. One of the times, and afterwards I felt like an ass, but one of the times she was talking about it, I snapped and told her that when we go out there there was no fvcking way we were going to stay in a hotel she had stayed in before. Her response? "Baby, we don't have to get married in Vegas. I'd marry you anywhere." She gets it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> :lol::rofl:
> 
> Lifeistooshort thanks for the chuckle.



Glad I can offer up a laugh, we all need more of that 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> you. I like you.
> 
> I appreciate people that can slam a problem closed like this that is creative, effective, and done with a sense of humor. FAR better than issuing a directive or setting ultimatums or pitching a fit.
> 
> Freaking BRAVO. :smthumbup:



Thank you sir, you are too kind. I am a bit sarcastic by nature, and I have found just as you said that issuing ultimatums and going on about hurt feelings doesn't work, because power in the relationship is unbalanced. My motto is: you want to be an a$$? No problem, you will get it right back. More people should take this approach. I have been called petty for this attitude but you know what? It works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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