# Pornography



## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

General relationship...married 18 yrs, two teenagers, he's not a very affectionate person but I am so I find that hard to deal with...we get on pretty well on a day to day basis, common interests etc, I seem to want sex more often than he does...anyway about 8 months ago vai the web history I found he was looking at hard core porn (apparently most men do according to him and it doesn't mean anything)...anyway although I enjoy a bit of erotica all this stuff seemed really demeaning and very much about men having power over women and I felt that if he was into this do I really know him at all? He's never been disrespectful to me or the lecherous type. So we discussed it and he said he was totally bored of it and didn't bother much with it anymore, and if it makes me unhappy he would stop. This week he's been on several porn sites (I assume he doesn't realise I can see his web history via the ipad!) So it seems he has gone back on his word. Question is do I upset the applecart by bringing it up again, it will cause a big row (he will have a big lecture for me about invading his privacy and make out it's me in the wrong). To be honest I just want to understand what it is he's looking for on these sites and what's obviously missing from our relationship for him? I'm willing to experiment in the bedroom and keen to have an active sex life, yet he tells me he "doesn't get the urge as often anymore" and "it's my age". Well he's obviously getting the urge somewhere, just not with me! I think we have alot going for us in our marriage but we need more intimacy and affection, he's just not the affectionate type!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

> 102 The current porn epidemic gives a graphic demonstration that sexual tastes can be acquired. Pornography, delivered by high-speed Internet connections, satisfies every one of the prerequisites for neuroplastic change [forming new neural circuitry- a key piece in addiction].
> 
> Pornography seems, at first glance, to be a purely instinctual matter: sexually explicit pictures trigger instinctual responses, which are the product of millions of years of evolution. But if that were true, pornography would be unchanging. The same triggers, bodily parts and their proportions, that appealed to our ancestors would excite us. This is what pornographers would have us believe, for they claim they are battling sexual repression, taboo, and fear and that their goal is to liberate the natural, pent-up sexual instincts.
> 
> ...


http://www.reuniting.info/node/1808

Please show your husband this link. It's in a very interesting book about neuro plasticity.

There is a lot of evidence that shows that porn is very damaging to relationships and sexuality.

It is highly addictive, it is unrealistic, exploitative of women, and many studies and research shows it changes the way men view women. It also makes men much more critical of their wives and their bodies and have less empathy for women.

it doesn't matter if he is the affectionate type. He should care about your needs. unfortunately your H is like many men who replace their real wives with fake sex on a computer screen. How sad.


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## daisy90 (Jun 5, 2011)

I feel like porn isn't the answer. I agree with the article that it is demeaning and it hurts the relationship.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thought I was on Facebook for a moment... looking for the "Like" button! Great post, Syrum!! Going to show that to my husband as well!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

honkytonkwoman said:


> Question is do I upset the applecart by bringing it up again, it will cause a big row (he will have a big lecture for me about invading his privacy and make out it's me in the wrong).


I used to confront my H when he hid his porn but nothing productive ever came from doing that. I think you should just take it into account that he doesn't want you to know for whatever reason and that he is not likely going to stop any time soon.



honkytonkwoman said:


> To be honest I just want to understand what it is he's looking for on these sites and what's obviously missing from our relationship for him?


It would be better to tell him this. Tell him how you feel about it instead of being confrontational about his behavior. I think confronting his actions muttles everything and only creates arguments, resentment, and fighting. If you go to this website: Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self
and scroll down a little ways you will see a "Formula for emotionally honest communication." Using this dialogue has helped me a lot.


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## jerseygirl27 (Aug 23, 2010)

Honkytonk--- you are not alone. I am 27 years old and have been with my husband since I was 19. We have been together almost 8 years. I have the same problem that you have with your husband and the pornography. When I first met my husband 8 years ago, I remember finding a big box of porn under his bed. He laughed and said "I don't need that anymore, I have you." He got up and threw the box away. I have never had anything against porn at all. I know men look at it, but when it interferes with real intimacy and takes place of your sex life, then it is a real problem. My husband and I dated for 5 years before we got engaged. Our sex life was great and was pretty frequent. We even would view porn together. Things started to change around the time we became engaged. I put on a few pounds while attending college. I am 5'7 and 180 lbs whereas I was 150 when he met me. The sex became less frequent and it really hurt me. I remember trying to communicate with him multiple times about this. However, he always gave me different excuses for his low libido. It started to get very old, but I tried my best to make him happy. His excuses were: he was tired, low libido, etc. One day saw porn on our tivo and he made up some lie about it being there. At the time, I believed him because he never lied to me. Then I came across $300 worth of porn on our dish network bill that he was hiding from me! According to the bill, he was looking at it quite often and I felt so hurt because he was doing this instead of having sex with me. I approached him about it and he lied. He eventually gave in when I threatened to call off the engagement because I knew he was lying. He said he did it because I didn't pay attention to him and never cooked?! I tried very hard to please him in anyway that I could. If I complained that we were not having enough sex, things would be great and then he would go back to not wanting it as often. Right before we got married he promised he would not lie to me again and that he would talk to me if he ever felt the need to hide that from me. We got married and a few months later, I found porn on the web history. I approached him the second time and he lied. He finally gave in and apologized. My husband became very defensive about it because he was embarrassed. I felt that I had to approach him about it because he needed to realize how he was hurting me with the lying and looking at porn behind my back. It has been almost two years that we have been married and I have not found any evidence of him looking at porn. My husband is not as affectionate as I am and is very difficult to communicate with. I work very hard to make him happy because I love him very much. I wish my husband realized the damage that he has done by lying to me about the porn. Deep down I do not trust him and still feel not completely satisfied with our sex life. We are both young and I feel that we should be doing it more than once a week.Whenever I feel the need to express to him that I want it more, I try to talk to him. You need to sit down and talk to him about this. DO NOT yell and flip out about it. Sit down calmly with him and tell him how you feel. Be honest with him. Tell him your needs are not being met and you wish he would be more affectionate. Tell him that you want to satisfy him and are willing to work on it. If he becomes defensive and refuses to talk, tell him you would like to go to marriage counseling. I hope this helps. Good luck. I know it is hard to deal with this!!


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## June1337 (Aug 8, 2011)

Ok so I think all women do have this problem at some point. It all boils down to what you can handle and what type of man you are married to. I had this problem early on in my marriage, and with patience and listening (on my part) we resolved the issue with a compromise. 

1. Don't confront him as if he's doing something wrong. He's proabably ashamed on some level as it is, and if you make him feel like he's doing something wrong then he's going to go into defense mode. If you come at him more curiously he will be more willing to tell you what's really going on in his head. Don't push for info, just let him know that you're ok with it, and are curious about it (even if you're not).

2. Talk about the type of porn he likes. All types that he likes. His favorites, least favorites, and kinds that just disgust him. Sometimes one of his favorites is something that you might find yourself to, suprisingly, ok with it. For example, my husband, one of his favorites is Anime (Japanese style cartoon porn). Now although Anime porn can sometimes be super raunchy, and can have unacceptable undertones (rape, and s&m) he's careful what ones he watches. I'm ok with Anime, because we both know it's not real and these women don't exsist. Their body features are so out-there that there's no way that he would ever expect that out of me. Therefore no disturbed expectations for me.

3. Don't think that he doesn't want to have sex with you. He does, he just might be on a different schedule that you are. I'm sure you don't want to have sex everyday (even if it is more often than he does). When he wants to you might not be in the mood and vis verse; which can be one of the reasons that porn sets in. Best advice to get on the same schedule.... do it even if you don't want to (oh and be as into it as possible).

4. Lastly, porn is not the death of marriage ladies. It's a warning sign that he's bored, so take that sign and liven things up. P.S. if you think for one second, "HE's the one that's bored, he should liven it up." STOP. You drop hints for jewelry, gifts, and romantic dinners. Men drop hints for sex. Like it or not ladies... sex is OUR job. We care out emotions and spending time together, they want our naked bodies in as many ways as they're willing. 

5. Finally, I'm sure he can google how to delete internet history, if he can google the specific porn he's looking for.... him leaving it there might be a hint of what he wants to do in bed; even if it's just once. So watch it and pay attention, if you totally can't do it; then don't and let him know that. Sexually fantasies are not a realization of who we are on the inside, it's just an realiving expression of wanting what we can't normally have; so fullfill it and be done.


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

Firstly i'd like to thank the poster who sent me a personal message from a man's point of view...it did make alot of sense, so thank you. What i would like to say in reply(for some reason i can't find how to reply personally on the ipad!) is that if i felt we were emotionally close, he showed me affection, and we had satisfying sex, i could deal with him using porn occasionally if he's away working or if i've got a headache. The problem is that he seems to have replaced me with porn gradually over the last 5 years...since broadband probably! I genuinely think that since we got That, he went from being a man who bought the occasional magazine or borrowed the occasional dvd into someone who was like a kid in a sweet shop...basically using it to such an extent that he has gradually withdrawn from me. He has also had some ED over the past two years, i think that is connected to the porn use too...he has become desesitized to having sex with a real live woman because it can never live up to the fantasies of half a dozen bleached, bronzed and waxed 24 year olds having a gang bang. I haven't changed much in the last five years so there's no reason for him to find me less attractive, in fact due to going to the gym i'm in better shape than i was then. I don't think we can reconnect unless he realises what effect the porn has had on the intimacy in our marriage...and i can't make him give it up, it has to come from him making a decision to put our marriage first. I haven't mentioned it yet as it's his birthday tomorrow and i don't want to be getting heavy with these sorts of conversations....all i know is that while he is quite content with having me as his platonic partner and using porn for his sexual needs, i can't imagine living the rest of my days without a little tenderness and romance. When i see some of our friends together it breaks my heart, just the little passing touches as they walk by each other, the kiss and hug when they get in from work, a cuddle in bed before going to sleep. These are he things missing from our relationship. He has said " if you want a hug just come and get one" but it's not the same...i want him to want to hug me, not feel like i'm forcing myself on him. He has also said if i come over all touchy feely he feels under pressure to perform, so that has made me feel more uncomfortable showing him affection, in case he thinks i'm forcing myself on him. In answer to the post about leaving his web history exposed to give me ideas, that's not what he's doing! He doesn't realise that the ipad automatically logs into his google account so i can see what he's been looking at on his laptop and on the desktop. As soon as he realises he will start deleting it i'm sure!! I have told him when we had our last porn discussion that if he feels anything lacking in our sex life i am more than happy to experiment...but he said i was fine and the porn use was not a sign of anything lacking...he says it's just " different". Well, sorry to ramble...thanks for your replies...i will be talking to him later in the week about it....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sorry June this is not a compromise with your husband you just threw in the towel and capitulated to the pornographers. 

I feel connected to my husband when sex is something that is between him and I do not want a third entity in my sex life, pornographers. My husband is the one that comes up with the adventures and we talk about what is appealing for both of us and try it and we both like it then it is part of our bag of tricks. Porn provides the kernel of an idea but not a duplication of porn sex geared towards males. There is a big difference. 

I would imagine that it is disheartening to have so intimate an act turning into an acting job geared for the pleasure of one person. It is only human to reclaim one's autonomy and stop the show. 

Porn is the death of sex in many marriages and we are poised to have bigger problems in the future. I think porn imposes impossible standards of sexual performance on women. In essence, it seems that women are judged to be good sex partners if they can closely approximate porn actresses. 

They are enthusiastic for no apparent reason, they have orgasms easily or don't mind not having them, they are noisy, egger to provide the man with sexual pleasure, don't mind being bent into uncomfortable and impossible positions 10 times during sex to the visual excitement of the man, willing to do what ever he wants with enthusiasm. 

Most woman have sex with the expectation that their man sees them as unique. They don't expect to be considered a blank sexual canvas, with no likes and dislikes, desires or needs. 

They expect to reveal themselves and not to have performance evaluations. They expect to react to what they are experiencing. If it's mildly pleasant they may show mild level of enthusiasm. 

Most women are not trained porn actresses and they did not study the porn scripts. I don't know how many woman would want that, I suspect not many.


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

And another thing June, he seems to be looking at porn in the middle of the working day...whenever i have suggested lunchtime quickie he has not been keen n the idea...i'm not even sure he's masturbating every time he looks at it, since our desktop computer is in the lounge...its almost like its just a morbid fascination. He tells me he doesn't actually get horny very often, so i do wonder what is at the root of his porn interest. I don't think he's thinking " i'm so horny, i've got to watch some porn and get off" i think he is just addicted to looking at it!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

honkytonkwoman said:


> And another thing June, he seems to be looking at porn in the middle of the working day...whenever i have suggested lunchtime quickie he has not been keen n the idea...i'm not even sure he's masturbating every time he looks at it, since our desktop computer is in the lounge...its almost like its just a morbid fascination. He tells me he doesn't actually get horny very often, so i do wonder what is at the root of his porn interest. I don't think he's thinking " i'm so horny, i've got to watch some porn and get off" i think he is just addicted to looking at it!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

Oh dear. I'm afraid i didn't follow the advice about talking calmly etc...been pondering for a few days and he was away last nt. Anyway he unpacked his bag and left his hotel bill on the bed with charge for a movie on there...i doubt he was watching mary poppins. So i brought it up and told him i knew what he's been looking for online the last few weeks...didn't manage the calm part. Unfortunately kids are home so nowhere to talk tonight...it's become more about the lying and the trust which has now gone than about the porn now. Not sure where to go from here since i doubt i'll ever believe a word that comes out of his mouth again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

honkytonkwoman said:


> Oh dear. I'm afraid i didn't follow the advice about talking calmly etc...been pondering for a few days and he was away last nt. Anyway he unpacked his bag and left his hotel bill on the bed with charge for a movie on there...i doubt he was watching mary poppins. So i brought it up and told him i knew what he's been looking for online the last few weeks...didn't manage the calm part. Unfortunately kids are home so nowhere to talk tonight...it's become more about the lying and the trust which has now gone than about the porn now. Not sure where to go from here since i doubt i'll ever believe a word that comes out of his mouth again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hang in there! I didn't have any calm conversations with my H for a long time. I was all over the place emotionally for a while. 

As far as trusting him goes, you cant trust him. You wont be able to until he shows some initiative to put you first. I would suggest letting him know what you need from him so that you can have some hope for the relationship. If he's willing to do what you need then there's some hope. In my situation I asked that my H go to counseling because even though I wanted him to stop looking at porn I knew that because he was so addicted to it that requesting he quit cold turkey was not realistic. I also learned that porn probably wasn't the root of the problem anyway. Counseling was something I knew he could do and it was something I could see him do, so there was no guessing game for me. My H was very reluctant to go to counseling and wouldn't go initially. I ended up going to counseling first because my anger and resentment were controlling my life. After I started going my counselor asked him to come in, after which he found a counselor for himself. So even that took a while. 

After a while my H also voluntarily put site blockers on all the computers and his phone. But even with those there is always some other way he can get porn. The point is it shows that he's trying.

But while he is in the process of trying you have to have very strict boundaries so that your heart doesn't get trampled on.


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