# I need help please



## frustrated1982 (Oct 5, 2011)

I just want to give a little back ground on my marriage.. I have been with my husband a little over a year now. It started off pretty well (like most new relationships do) but then things started falling off track. My husband in the beginning professed his love to me and how much he really wanted to take care of me. I never really have been the working type and I told him that I would need to be with someone who would support whether I wanted to work or not. It wasn't a problem to him then, but now he throws it in my face. 

We started to argue a lot because after his unemplyment ran out he was out of work for almost 9 months and I had to pay everything by myself which was really hard as I receive social security right now. Not only did I have to pay for everything but I couldn't get him to help me with any of the house work at all. It always ended in an argument and with me locking myself in our room because I was so frustrated with trying to express how I felt in having to do it all. He didn't seem to be hearing me. He wanted to do the dishes when "he felt like it" and it didn't matter if everything was dirty needless to say the rest of us living in the house had to suffer.

Over time I have become pretty depressed and sometimes have even thought about divorce because I feel I am being treated unfairly. I did not sign up for this. What I signed up for is what he promised me. He just started a new job 2 and a half weeks ago and I was so happy for him because I thought things would finally start getting better and he could help with house hold expenses. I also forgot to mention that when he was out of work he was supposed to be down at the library looking for work and for the most part I would find him playing games online for over an hour and half everyday for almost 9 months. It was like he wasnt trying hard enough and I was furious. I felt used because I was doing it all and he was doing nothing to help me at all let alone show me any kind of affection.

Well after he started this new job of his which he works sometimes about 3-4 days in a row and he always gets 3 days off in a row and sometimes 4. Out of those days of him working sometimes he will work 13 hour shifts and I don't expect anything of him on those days. I can understand how that would feel but what I do expect is at least some acknowledgement of ME. At least saying hi to me and giving me a hug and kiss and letting me know he cares. I have been feeling so horrible lately as to the way things have been these passed 10 months that some kind of affection would make a world of difference. The only other thing I really expect is for him to help out around the house on at least one of his days off because I wouldn't dare ask for more. When he has 3-4 days off at a time I don't see why he can't pitch in. We don't have a dish washer so it makes it tough to keep up on them constantly and I just thought it was fair to share that responsibility at least once in a while. But apparently I am not even going to get that.

I feel this relationship has been so entirely unfair and one sided. When he promised to take care of me and I believed him and then turns around and complains about having to take care of me it really makes me angry. HE suggested that HE would pay the bills so I could pay for some of my personal bills I needed to pay. He said he wanted to do this because he knew he made more money than me. We both agreed that was fair. But all I hear is how much of a burden I am. I get the sense that he doesn't like the idea of having to be responsible for a family. The reason I get SSI is because of my child hood. I suffer from severe depression and ptsd. I had endured major trauma in my early child hood years. I fully believe that made a mess of how I think of myself and my own worth. I have struggled with this my entire life. Church is the only thing encouraging in my life.

I will admit that I have been neglecting my house hold duties as of lately which is the dishes. This is because I am literally at the end of my ropes. I am tired of expressing myself to someone in what I need as a woman and how I deserve respect. I feel this relationship is so unfair that in a sense I guess you could say I have felt like I have given up. As of right now I don't care as much as I used to. I just threw my hands in the air and said screw it. why bother? He doesn't respect me, he talks to me like a piece of something on the bottom of his shoe, he shows me absolutely NO affection. When I try and get affection from him he pretty much just tells me to leave him alone. I try and snuggle up to him in bed and he moves away from me, or goes to the other end. It really hurts my feelings. How can he sit there and really not know what my problem is? 

I currently have been working towards getting my high school diploma and am half way through completing it. I wanted to do it to be proud of myself for a change. I also was thinking that I might want to start a career afterwards. I have made a few encouraging friends at the church and they have helped me to understand that I am not a pile of crap. I procrastinated too long in my life and put things on hold because I had an unrational fear of failing again like I always had before. With no one by my side to encourage me I guess you could say I was weak and let the negative stuff get the best of me. But now I am starting to understand and accept the fact that I really am worth something regardless of what others have said and done to me. My going to school is a very personal thing to me and for a sense of accomplishment of SOMETHING on my life. I always sort of envied people who had their education and had a door that was open to them for opportunity. I just couldn't for whatever reason wrap my own head around success. I guess I just felt like I didn't deserve it. I am not going to go into all the details of every single thing that I have been through. But I will say this. Child hood really is the molding stage and foundation for how you think, feel, and respond to things in life. So I was given a lot of nasty cards dealt to me and am learning that it doesn't have to rule my life any longer. Just would be nice if my husband could understand that and help encourage me and root for me instead of giving me a list of reasons by how he treats me as to what he thinks I am worthy of. His down playing of the things that REALLY matter to me makes things worse. I am not an unfair or lazy person. What I am is tired of being walked on. So what do I do about this? I do love my hubby very much. He is a good man he just is EXTREMELY hard to talk to and very very stubborn. Some what argumentative especially if someone is trying to give constructive criticism. Maybe some of this has to do with age and maturity? He is only 25. Any good cleam advice is welcome


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Frustraited,

This will be a bit hard to say without seeming that I am critisizing you, Please know that it is offered as constuctive thought.

It seems to me that there is a lot of "me, me, me" in your post.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with desiring that your needs be met inside of your marriage.

But a happy marriage comes from meeting each others needs. Is it possible that you are asking for what you need without giving what your husband needs?

In other words, often times we can get what we need by giving what we wish to recieve. 

For example: You wish that he would encourage you, do you encourage him? 

Take everything you have written here and ask yourself if you are giving the same to your husband, if not, that is a good place to start.

Does that make sense?

Warmly,
RDJ


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## frustrated1982 (Oct 5, 2011)

well I was doing those things in the beginning.. I was trying to help him find work and he would just yell at me and tell me to leave him alone and that he could do it himself. But the problem was he wasn't looking for any work he was just sitting around playing internet games and video games. I would ask him for help around the house because I didn't think it was fair I was doing it ALL while he could have at least been looking for work everyday. He wasn't doing "his" part and this went on and on for almost 9 months. This is why I havent been giving him what he needs. I havent been encouraging to him at all about anything because I got worn out. I have been in one other relationship before where I was completely used and abused the entire time. I would turn the other cheek so to speak but only to continue to keep getting treated badly and it only got worse. I felt like allowing him or any man for that matter to continue to "use" me was only encouraging the same behavior over and over again. So yes for a while I was doing my part, and now it really hard to humble myself and try again. I have been walked on many times and it infuriates me to have it happen all over again. Respect is another issue. When he was out of work and also wasn't helping with house hold chores he would say to me "your the woman its YOUR job to do the work" my thought was excuse me? so basically what he was saying was ok I am not working as of 9 months and since its the "womans" job to take care of the chores im just gonna lay around and do nothing to contribute to my marriage at all because thats the WOMANS job.. that is his mentality to a lot of other things in our marriage. I am sorry if it sounds like me me me that wasn't what I was trying to get acrossed at all. I was trying to get a picture in someones head of what my husbands ways of thinking are. I don't know if you agree with me but the way I see it is like this. If he is not working then he should SHARE the responsibilities as my PARTNER in this marriage. We are in this together and because he thinks of me in that way it makes me feel like he doesn't respect or honor me. We both go to church and the pastor tried to tell him repeatedly that he really needed to help out around the house if he wasn't working. It all fell on deaf ears. I just felt helpless because I couldnt get him to understand and (neither could the pastor) that we are a team and as a man he had certain obligations to tend to if he wasn't working. So after a while of all this (among other things) I seriously felt as af I was in my old relationship again where I paid the bills and did the cleaning and took care of the kids while he ran off playing with friends and doing whatever HE wanted to do. The only difference in this relationship was my husband is at home on the couch while the duties are taking place in my hands. I guess you could say I am still angry at him for all of that and don't feel like doing crap for him. He was walkin all over me and what was I supposed to do? I couldn't force him to help out so I just dealt with it the best I could. I started yelling and screaming about it though after a while because lets face it no one likes being taken advantage of. Thanks for the advice and no I don't feel you have put me down. I am here looking for a way to make things better.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Frustraited,

All that being said, I 100% agree with you. If you have done this much to express that marriage is a two way street and he still refuses to join you half way. Then You will most likely have to issue some form of ultimatum.

Many men (including myself) won't do much to change until they have something to lose.

If you give an ultimatum (back it up) and he does not respond. Then you really did not have much to lose. Love him or not, you give him a chance, then look out for yourself.

Warmly,

RDJ


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## frustrated1982 (Oct 5, 2011)

Thanks for the input. I appreciate it. The only thing I have changed this time around is the fact that I told him I would do my part as far as house work goes. and in the first post I mentioned he has like 3-4 days off and he is refusing to help with ONLY the dishes which is ONLY what I have asked for help with. I think its fair with that many days off in a row he could help at least ONE time. He refused to do it even AFTER i compromised and said look I will even do half of them. He still wouldnt agree to that!! are you kidding me? sigh so i stuck to my words and I did my half (my part) I said I would do. our stupid vacuume decided to break down lol which REALLY sucks because I really like clean carpet. I will be purchasing a new one very shortly and will be back on track with the duties. I really do feel like im living with a rebellious teenager. My friend tells me she thinks its his age and she also told me she had the same problem with her husband so she went on strike from the housework because she felt she was being taken advantage of too. I asked her if she thought I was being unreasonable in refusing to do HIS part of this relationship or if there was something I was doing wrong? She said no sometimes you just have to put your foot down. Which is exactly what I did. Now I am "lazy" so he says... I just really don't want to make the same mistakes I did with my sons father and let him keep getting away with stuff that I think is wrong and unfair. People in church told me just to humble myself and do it and when he sees the good I am doing he will come around. But I really am afraid it will only tell him I am a doormat. I think we should go to counseling, I really just don't his reasons for why he does what he does. I am sure I am just as miss understanding to him. I just wish I could talk to him about my feelings and have him at least TRY to see that I am not putting him down and what I am really am trying to say is that its un fair. He is after all 25 so I am thinking maturity has something to do with not accepting constructive criticism at all. I love him to pieces I really do its just these little things about him which drive me mad... Thank you its nice to hear from a mans point of view


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## frustrated1982 (Oct 5, 2011)

oh I forgot to ask.. what type of ultimatum are you talking about? I have been told already to kick his butt out and that the military taught him to sink or swim but I don't think that is the answer. He is so I dunno immature about certain things that I think he would take it totally wrong. We recently just met a couple who have been married ten years and literally I mean literally went through the same crud we are in now. She confided things in me about how there was a time that she literally hated her husband and tried to leave him several times.

They are happily married now after working all their problems out. As for me well I feel a lot of resentment and hate towards my husband too. She suggested that we have the boys (her husband and my husband) get together and maybe her husband can help mine out a little since hes been there. So far I havent heard any objections from my hubby about it and we both really like them and I am SO hopeful that this might help us out. I dont know though because of all that happened with the old pastor. He didn't seem to want to take any advice. I just really like this couple and I think my hubby could use a really good male friend whos "been there." looking forward to hearing back


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Frustraited,

Ok, i have been thinking about this. Keep in mind that this is only my opinion, I am not a professional, and you may wish to consider talking to one.

It does not sound like you are ready for an ultimatum of any sorts, and if your not ready, it won't go anywhere anyway.

I believe that you are in a very common place. I married my wife when we were 20 years old. I had no idea how to be a husband. I had no training (like most men) I had no role models, I had my disfunctional parents to learn from. Just as they had theirs.

I was the same stuborn young man that you describe. Its the wifes job to take care of the house and ME!

I forced my wife into a position to set boundries and teach me to be a man. Problem was that in doing so, I just considered her to be a bi$$ch. We argued all the time. Eventually, I fiqured it out, or I just started doing my share to shut her up. Not a good way to have a marriage. We both just slowly built resentment towards each other until it all fell apart.

Looking back now, I realize that I needed my wife to set boundries, I needed her to put her foot down and expess herself and her needs. I needed her to teach me how to be a man. If I had to give her advice on a better way to have handled me. I would tell her that she did what was needed, just in the wrong way. She did so by complaining, bit$$ing, and nagging. That was a direct hit to my ego, so I resisted. I would tell her that she needed to traet me like a new puppy. Hit me with a news paper and I will pee on the floor. Train me with loving praise, when I do good, stroke my ego a bit, tell me how much you appriciate my good deeds, give me a caress and a smile, and I would be looking for ways to repeat that.

That along with a loving but stern, put me on the back porch to pee and I would have come around with less resentment.

Now keep in mind that this is only while she was showing me the man she wanted me to be. Once I got there, I expect to be respected and treated as the man i was. I don't want games, i don't want withholding, fit throwing or manipulation. I want mutual respect, admiration, appriciation, and communication of issues without defensive attitudes. That happened over time and a few hard reminders that if I did not keep my end of the bargin, she would walk, and vice versa.

Again, never go to an ultimatum that you can't back up. You will just lose all credibility and make things worse.

Without writing a novel here, does that give you an explaination that works for you?

Last. There may be many men that disagree with what I am saying here. But half of them know its true. They just wont let their ego let anyone know it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Personally, it seems that both of you have a weird sense of entitlement. You expect him to provide for you financially, and he expects you to take care of the house and stuff. And both of you have serious communication issues that you need to learn to resolve to have a successful marriage. If you don't fix it in this marriage, you'll be packing it up in your baggage, and taking it with you to the next marriage. Walking away at this point is just setting you up for failing in the future.

How on earth did either of you survive before you got married that long year ago? Who took care of you financially? Who washed his dishes? 

Do you have kids? A massive house? If not, how is maintaining it anywhere close to a full-time job? I live by myself in a 2 bedroom apartment. Do my own dishes, my own laundry, cook my own meals, do my own cleaning, pay my own bills... And I work full time. It's not the end of the world.

Both of you need to grow up and realize that you're in a partnership. I'm not picking on you specifically; he's got just as much blame in this as you. But he's not the one posting in here.

Just my $0.02.

C


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## frustrated1982 (Oct 5, 2011)

pbear.. just for the record dear he offered to take care of the bills. I thought I mentioned that in my first post I dunno maybe I forgot. My problems with him were how he was treating me. I was getting disrespect and therefore I put my foot down. Mybe I do have communication problems I dunno but I do know that I have TRIED to sit down and talk with him about my feelings and he doesnt want to listen. This is a two way street and it isnt going to work if one is trying to "talk it out" and the other one is acting like a rebellious teenager and doesn't care to WANT to sit and talk things out. As far as how on earth did we survive before well I lived on my own since I was about 18. Maybe I didnt have a luxury type lifestyle but money and things didnt then and still dont matter to me that much. But still I lived on my own and took care of my own duties. Its really hard to live with someone who has an attitude that I am the "woman" of the house therfore I should do it all while he did nothing. Maybe you should re read what I wrote because I kind of feeling like I am going to end up repeating everything here. I don't feel entitled to anything at all except for what hes promised to do. I am entitled to respect and to be treated like a human being. I dont know why you think I have an "entitlement" issue. I son't see it that way at all. I am the type of person who cant stand being treated un fairly and being disrespected. I REALLY will not tolerate it. Its one way to get on my bad side and that is pretty much what he has done. As I said before the reason I threw my hands in the air was out of pure frustration in TRYING to talk to him about all these things and getting NOWEHERE. pls read my other posts too. I am posting here as I said before FOR HELP and advice. I survived before just fine on my own. Before he met me he was in the military for 4 years and joined at age 18. I know that he told me his room was usually a complete mess and he only cleaned it once a week. I dont know who did his dishes and I dont care if he lived like a pig before. What I care about is him coming into my home and my life and throwing his crap around likes its some bachelor pad and expecting ME to pick it all up after him. I dont think you realise how messy he really is. Everything he touches and I mean EVERYTHING never gets put back. Clothes all over the floor (all while he was out of work mind you) garbage wrappers and cans all over the house. Change I would find in the bathroom kitchen living room bedroom I felt like I was living in a frat house. I cant stand crap laying around everywhere and so many outfits thrown out all over in the front room and candy wrappers EVERYWHERE. I dont know about you but I was pissed needless to say that ym home was suddenly a flop house. 9 months of this I put up with and I am the woman maybe I shoulda just sucked it up and cleaned up after him maybe even wiped his butt for him. allowed him to walk all over me and tear me down and tell me (im the woman its MY job) all the while my self respect goes down the drain. So where is this sense of entitlement coming from? I just want respect


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## frustrated1982 (Oct 5, 2011)

RDJ thank you for your kind words of advice. everything you say makes sense. Maybe I didnt know how to put my foot down in the right proper way. All I know was that I dont like the way your treating me and I would let the person know. My husband never had someone to look up to either growing up. it is very clear to me that he literally has no relationship skills at all. I am his FIRST real serious relationship. I do understand that part and I sympathise with that. However it didnt make what he was doing to me ok at all. We will be spending time with that nice couple this weekend and they are willing to talk about some of this stuff with us. I have a question for you. My husband finally started getting the message that he cant be a complete slob and have un realistic expectaions of me to be his maid. When I would tell him it wasn't right to expect all these why he wasnt working he would say to me and I quote " I can't pick up my stuff because it makes me feel uncomfortable, I am stepping out of my comfort zone to make YOU happy." my question is what in the hell does that even mean? I don't think an ultimateum is appropriate either. I think I am still leaning towards a Christian therapist. I think maybe getting it all out and on the table might do us some good and then having someone help us figure out what to do about it. I am so glad that you and your wife came to a point where you both could have respect and understanding of one another. I just cant wait until our day comes to that. I know this is going to be a lot of hard work and listening and a lot of time and patience. I am certainly going to do my best. I will be checking back in to let you know how its going or if I have another concern of some kind.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Frustrated,

My guess is that your husband is immature, insecure, and has been conditioned to think the way he does through his family, friends, and a bit of being in the military.

None of which matters, your solution is the same. You will have to re-condition him to the reality of a mutually happy marriage. 

As I said above, you will have to put your foot down. Just do so in a manner that guides him through love, respect, and admiration.

Anything other than that just gets resistance. You know what does not work, no sense in trying it over and over. You will just drive yourself crazy.

Warmly,
RDJ


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## rorinrory (Oct 7, 2011)

it sounds like you are both very depressed and frustrated, and both of you are hurt over different things. try this- let him come home one day, no matter how hard it is, to an amazingly clean sparkling house, a nice dinner, and a good night in bed, and see how things go from there. it won't immediately fix things but sometimes somethinglike that will go a long way in re-setting his mood and yours as well. it happens with us, though not as extreme, every few months. each one of us feels like the other is lazy, doesn't do enough housework, spends money unwisely, etc. and usaully it just takes one of us really spending some time doing something special to make the other realize they need to pitch in too and be grateful. hope this helps, a little can go a long way


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## frustrated1982 (Oct 5, 2011)

rory

I have had our home nice and ***** n span but he didn't really seem to notice (never said a word about it). I really do think it has something to do with maturity as I am 29 and he is 25. I have hope that eventually he will come around and notice what I do even though fora while it wasn't much cus I got tired of his crap lol. But I have since then picked up. He is the very laid back type that you would have to literally rub his nose in something or bring it to his face to get him to SEE or realise what you are either TRYING to do or have done. Time at this point I think is my best friend in helping this situation. I just with it wasn't going to take however many years for him to wake up. Thanks for the advice I will keep trying even if and when I don't think he deserves it sometimes


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Are some of your issues related to differences in cleaning? If he doesn't like doing the dishes, then you do them and he can do something else. Is it really worth getting upset over who does what? 
If you prefer a really clean house, that's great. Some people just don't see it that way, and it's not important to them. The little stuff.... it's agony if you let it be that way. I understand the arguement that he won't show appreciation for it or do what you asked him to do or what he promised to do... but if this is over cleaning? 

Serious lines to draw in the sand :
Cheating, stealing, lying. You decide. 

If the house isn't spotless, does it really matter? Really. He won't care if it isn't. You will. Find a compromise. 

My H is a slob. I compromised. He has his desk \ area that I just don't tidy up. He had to learn to not leave dirty socks in the living room. Just in case company comes over. His office \ room? He cleans it himself. I stopped cleaning all the time. I stopped picking up his stuff. Because it doesn't matter. I clean way less now, and he noticed it wasn't as clean, and he will run the vacuum and clean the bathroom once in awhile. To his standards.


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## frustrated1982 (Oct 5, 2011)

no our issues are not in differences in cleaning. I am not the type of woman who is a super clean freak. I am talking about the basics of cleaning. I am not into sucking up every single cobweb in the house if theree are any. I dont care if the floors are swepped and mopped every single day. What I care about is when something needs to be cleaned it was always falling on MY shoulders while he did nothing. Marriage is a two way street whether people like it or not and sometimes that means sacrificing. But when you make your wife do it all while you aren't contributing to lift a single finger it isn't fair. Not when you made specific promises therefore that is the same as lying in my book. I am the type of person where someone tells me they are gonna do something then do it. Don't beat around the bush about it. I can't stand it when someone makes all these claims of HOW and WHAT they are going to do only to find out it was all talk. Do what you say and mean what you say. I don't care HOW he cleans what. What I care about is whether he is doing ANYTHING at all to contribute to our marriage. Simple as that. This marriage I know will get better with time. I guess I came here to get advice in how to deal with him to help the time pass better. I never have been the type of woman who will let a man come into my life and make a mess of it. That includes my home. This isn't about cleaning. Its about respect. And if someone is trying to force me to live in a home that makes me depressed because of lack of cleaning on their part and I get sick of feeling like the ONLY one doing it all, then that shows me the amount of how much they honor and respect me. That is something I won't stand for. I don't buy into that whole thing of men are just slobs so women just put up with it. I know plenty of married men who dont have french fries all over the inside of their vehicle. Then again these are men who have been married 10 years or more. This is why I think something like this takes time. He is a man, he is used to living like a complete pig. He is married now and when you get married you have to make some sacrifices in doing crap you don't wanna do. I did it all for 9 months (crap I didn't wanna do) and admittedly I started getting pissed off after about 2 of them. Who wouldn't. It's all about respect with me. Always has been always will be. I am glad that you found common ground with your hubby  I just am not that type of woman to walk in my home and find 2-3 outfits strung out all over. It's ridiculous. I am not his mommie and he is not a teenager or bachelor anymore. Our living room is not his old high school bedroom. Its a family room for company and family. Maybe I am wrong here but its how I feel. I have hope that it will get better with time.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

frustrated1982 said:


> no our issues are not in differences in cleaning. I am not the type of woman who is a super clean freak. I am talking about the basics of cleaning. I am not into sucking up every single cobweb in the house if theree are any. I dont care if the floors are swepped and mopped every single day. What I care about is when something needs to be cleaned it was always falling on MY shoulders while he did nothing. Marriage is a two way street whether people like it or not and sometimes that means sacrificing. But when you make your wife do it all while you aren't contributing to lift a single finger it isn't fair. Not when you made specific promises therefore that is the same as lying in my book. I am the type of person where someone tells me they are gonna do something then do it. Don't beat around the bush about it. I can't stand it when someone makes all these claims of HOW and WHAT they are going to do only to find out it was all talk. Do what you say and mean what you say. I don't care HOW he cleans what. What I care about is whether he is doing ANYTHING at all to contribute to our marriage. Simple as that. This marriage I know will get better with time. I guess I came here to get advice in how to deal with him to help the time pass better. I never have been the type of woman who will let a man come into my life and make a mess of it. That includes my home. This isn't about cleaning. Its about respect. And if someone is trying to force me to live in a home that makes me depressed because of lack of cleaning on their part and I get sick of feeling like the ONLY one doing it all, then that shows me the amount of how much they honor and respect me. That is something I won't stand for. I don't buy into that whole thing of men are just slobs so women just put up with it. I know plenty of married men who dont have french fries all over the inside of their vehicle. Then again these are men who have been married 10 years or more. This is why I think something like this takes time. He is a man, he is used to living like a complete pig. He is married now and when you get married you have to make some sacrifices in doing crap you don't wanna do. I did it all for 9 months (crap I didn't wanna do) and admittedly I started getting pissed off after about 2 of them. Who wouldn't. It's all about respect with me. Always has been always will be. I am glad that you found common ground with your hubby  I just am not that type of woman to walk in my home and find 2-3 outfits strung out all over. It's ridiculous. I am not his mommie and he is not a teenager or bachelor anymore. Our living room is not his old high school bedroom. Its a family room for company and family. Maybe I am wrong here but its how I feel. I have hope that it will get better with time.


Heck, I'm frustrated just reading it. 

Have you expressed to him EXACTLY what you have stated in this post? Calmly, but dead serious?

Warmly,
RDJ


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## frustrated1982 (Oct 5, 2011)

yes many times. It would always end in an argument. But an update on some things. First he finally buckled and said he would do that half of the dishes. I already did my half. I think he is finally starting to realise how selfish he was being. Secondly last night he said something to me without realising it had hurt my feelings. At least he came in our room to see what he had done wrong and to try and fix it!! I about flew out of my skin thinking whoa whoa whoa!! Where is my husband and what have you done with him? He was really sincere about why I had been crying. It literally made a world of difference in how I was feeling. I just hope stuff like this will continue in the future. It was really nice to know that he really does care. I had been questioning it for some time now. Apparently it was all over a missunderstanding in how I TOOK something he said when he meant something DIFFERENTLY.. These communication skills really stink. It would be nice if it was this easy all the time. Before it was all about defending himself in something he had done which made things worse. Sigh. For both of us this is going to take a lot of patience I am starting to see. If only he was like 35 already we could bypass all of this. ok so for in the future when something happens HOW do I express it to him in a way without hurting his ego. Like say he is being disrespectful again by either saying or doing something to me. How do I let him know how it made me feel without sounding like I am nagging or picking on him? And even if I say or do it right and he still doesn't understand then do I just walk away from it or what? Problems don't usually go away on their own so it would have to be dealt with at some time. So any pointers on HOW to tell a man what they are doing is hurtful would be great  I just really want him to understand me when it comes to my feelings...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'm glad to hear things are better! yeah!

Some men.. maybe your husband... are "shallow". Direct, no emotions, just a task assignment. On a board or something. And lots and lots of acknowledgement when they do it. 

I am not saying treat him like a child, just saying learn his "communication method" and stick to it. 

As for understanding you when it comes to your emotions, if you can figure that one out.. please share! 

How can you let him know how things make you feel without sounding like nagging or picking on him? Do the opposite.
Make it well known when you are happy. Hugs and kisses and thank you's when he helps with the dishes. And tell him how pleased it makes you feel. THAT he will remember. 

When he doesn't do it, and you do it? A small comment about being extra tired when you are finished. I wouldn't say much else. He can read your attitude anyways, and knows you are upset. 

Not really great advice... but not sure how else to approach it, other than accenuating the positive?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Personally, I think this is where counseling can help. To get stuff out in a non confrontational way, and hopefully give you some communication tools to use when you're at home.

Good job, and good luck!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Frustrated,

In addition to the last few posts, I would add this.

Keep in mind that this is nothing more than my opinion.

I believe a lot of men think and respond using logic (including myself). So if you were to approach your husband on his level, you may say something like this.

“Honey, our marriage can be as good or as bad as we chose to make it. We will always have times that we do not agree on things, such as the house work responsibilities. We can learn to work out our differences so that it is a win, win for us both and create a mutually happy marriage. Or we can bicker back and forth trying to each have our way. We can most likely share intermediate happiness this way for some time. But the reality is that as we do this, we will each be building resentment towards each other, that resentment will slowly build to a point of no return. When it does, the odds of our marriage surviving will be slim. Let’s be honest here, I can already feel that resentment starting, I bet you can too. Now for me, I prefer to have a mutually happy marriage, one where we always place the importance of our marriage before our personal needs and work out solutions without building resentment. That sound logical to you?”

That should get him thinking, you take it from there.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
RDJ


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## frustrated1982 (Oct 5, 2011)

thanks deejov for the advice. It is something I havent tried. But it sounds like its worth a shot! I myself am pretty sure I need to "dum" it down a little bit as I have always been very mature for my age and am starting to understand that is isn't entirely his fault for behaving the way that he does. So I guess on that note sometimes I can come across as maybe a little too critical towards him? Biting my tongue may help and reminding myself that he still has some growing up to do. As far as expressing my feelings to him I think practice and finding the right way to approach him may work. I can come up with a few things I think and see which one I get the most positive response from. Thank you very much for the advice


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## frustrated1982 (Oct 5, 2011)

PBear said:


> Personally, I think this is where counseling can help. To get stuff out in a non confrontational way, and hopefully give you some communication tools to use when you're at home.
> 
> Good job, and good luck!
> 
> ...


yes definately I think counseling can and will make a HUGE difference. That is another thing I think we should look into as soon as we get caught up on some of our bills. Those 9 months really took its toll financially. The last few days have been very good. I am crossing my fingers it will last. Thanks for the input


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## frustrated1982 (Oct 5, 2011)

I am going to have to print this out and read it word for word LOL. It sounds pretty dang good to me! How can you not have some thoughts going on and trying to be just as positive after hearing a speech like that! Seriously I am going to print this and practice it. I need the help in not being so critical when I think someone is being a total (well you know). I am glad I found this site. I feel like I have some good people who are and try to be caring about other peoples needs, especially when it comes to marriage. Divorce is not in my book and I only planned to get married one time in my life and thats it. I will be checking back


RDJ said:


> Frustrated,
> 
> In addition to the last few posts, I would add this.
> 
> ...


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