# Two Men to Love



## complicated1 (Jun 19, 2009)

I never in a million years though I would be a person having a situation come in front of me straight out of a romance novel. But it has.

I'm new to this forum and needed some anonymous outlet for my emotions, fears, concerns, etc.

My first lover I dated on and off for 10+ years. I finally gave him an ultimatum to be with me or we would never talk again. We never spoke again.

A year later I met my husband, and 10+ years later we have 3 kids, and are happily married. He is an amazing husband - flawed just like me - but terrific.

My former bfriend and I reconnected about 1.5 years ago. My hubby knows, is not threatened, and the former bfriend always called me "pal" and "friend" - which I thought explained why we never made it permanently.

Until last night. He called me - from nearby - normally he is on another coast. He is visiting his mother who is about an hour from where I am.

He confessed after our carefree conversation on the phone - that he has spent his entire life, everyday, thinking of that moment, and decision, and regretting it.

I about died. He and I were always very passionate people - extremely passionate. Our love was deep and pretty unbelievable to those around us. 

Now I learn that it was something that might have been. I had never in a million years thought he felt that way. He did so much he is seeing a shrink to come to grips with his decision.

That letting me go was the single defining moment in his life. Now I"m no catch mind you - typical mother of three, overweight and working hard. Not someone this happens to!

I did tell my husband the change in direction of his emails/calls. My husband is a confident man and said he didn't care. He trusts me and loves me.

But that passion - if I were in the same room with my ex bfriend it would not be good. I can never let that happen or I would be destroying all that is good.

But part of me wonders what we would be like together. I lvoe my husband but that passion has never been a part of our marriage. Reliability, love, gentleness, etc. has.

I just am so overwhelmed and I have no one to talk to about this. The feelings I had for my ex back then are all back now. I'm sure I will put them back on the shelf - but has anyone else ever been in this position?

Part me wants to drive to him today and just - I don't know. Then reality sets in and I can't jeopardize something so precious to me.

Complicated 1


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I would ignore the old friends comments... as it's not what could have been, its what didn't happen.
and also too, he could just be saying those things in hopes of having a little sexual fling while he is in the area.
I would pay no mind to what he says as its in the past, where it may best be left to stay.

Some things are just not meant to be and have too high a price.

Concerning if anyone has ever been in that position, in my early 20's I had been sorta in that position and learned early on a very direct lesson... if you try to play both sides of the fence, you may end up with neither of them.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

:iagree: If I were you I would even cut ties with the old boyfriend immediately. I’m all for platonic male-female friendships but this has taken a non-platonic turn and it’s dangerous if you know you wouldn’t be able to control yourself in the same room with him. I think it’s normal to wonder what could have been and it’s flattering to know you had such an impact on someone. Leave it at that.

I once had a decision to make between two men (before I was married and neither is my H so there was not much at stake) and I went back to the old, passionate boyfriend. We broke up two years later. Remember, there is always a good reason the past relationship didn't work out.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

It sounds like you're conflicted but you know what the right thing to do is. 

It's so easy to think the grass is greener on the other side. Personally I think 'reconnecting' with this individual was a mistake to begin with and you probably knew it even if you wouldn't admit it at the time. I don't understand why people think it's okay to be friends with people they were involved with so deeply and think that nothing is ever going to happen or old feelings won't come up? Maybe you thought he was so far away nothing would ever happen but I can't believe that you really didn't have any feelings or excitement about reconnecting with this previous lover. Strictly platonic, I think not. 

I applaud your husband I guess because I would have huge issues if my wife was reconnecting with some of her ex-boyfriends for this exact reason. I don't understand the motivation behind it. You said you have 3 kids, well I only have 2 kids and I know how crazy full and busy our lives are so making extra time for ex-boyfriends just doesn't add up unless you want that emotional/sexual excitement. Even so it sounds like you didn't intend for any meetings to ever take place and good for you for telling your husband about the context of the messages changing. 

I agree with Preso here too. He's in the area and knows your close by, kind of sounds like a booty call to me and apparently he knows all the right things to say.

As much as I love sex & passion and wish I had more in my own relationship, the other qualities you mentioned are far more long lasting and are the foundation of a true relationship: reliability, love, gentleness. Sounds like you have a great guy already and 3 kids God has blessed you with. 

Don't do it, you already know that. And you should really cut all ties with him or other ex's or any other male 'friend' where even a remote attraction exists. Just my $0.02. Good luck.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

complicated1 said:


> But part of me wonders what we would be like together. I lvoe my husband but that passion has never been a part of our marriage. Reliability, love, gentleness, etc. has.


Passion is part of the excitement, fantasy in a new relationship...Even if it is strong, it usually tapers off after a few years. What you describe with your husband is a real, deeper love.

There is a book called the 5 love languages that explains this well.

Going to the xbf would likely be exciting at first but you have a loving husband and three kids to think about. Acting on this temptation would either break apart your family or change your relationship with your husband and not in a good way. It is soooo not worth it and you would likely find the passion would dwindle and he would still be the same man you broke things off with back then.


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## studlyc (Jun 10, 2009)

Respectfully I have to disagree with the other posters, and I think you should drive to your x-boyfriends house and rekindle things. It sound like he made a huge mistake to give you up and now it is your chance to rekindle things. Make the right decision and go back! Best of luck.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You have to give up the friendship with the old boyfriend if you want your marriage to survive.

Don't confuse your husband's patience with acceptance of you escalating to infidelity.

So what that this ex BF is tossing you ego stroking lines. You have to realize that he found the right string to make your best judgment fall to the wayside. It's called seduction.

If I were a betting man I'd put money on it that he's used that gambit successfully before.

You have a life with a man you married. Focus on that. If you need friendships talk to your girlfriends more.

You cannot be friends with that man.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

This might sound chauvinist, it probably is.

Women cannot love two men romantically.

Your old flame, he is just that and old flame.

He is something you did once a long time ago.

You were a different person then, he was a different person then.

Just like how you can't go back to town you once lived in, you can't go back to old shoes you use to wear.

They might look the same, they might feel the same, remember you are not what you were then.

Often said but true never the less

The grass is not greener
Wanting is not the same as having
You can't go back


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

michzz said:


> You have to give up the friendship with the old boyfriend if you want your marriage to survive.
> 
> Don't confuse your husband's patience with acceptance of you escalating to infidelity.
> 
> ...




:iagree:


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

You have to stop all contact with the old BF, if you continue contact after he "confessed" all this, with your already admitted feeling, then you would be having an emotional affair.

It will ruin your marriage and you know that.

No more messages, no more calls, nothing, you have to break it off.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

ah, heck...go for the old bf! Throw out your H and family...get what YOU want!


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## studlyc (Jun 10, 2009)

dcrim said:


> ah, heck...go for the old bf! Throw out your H and family...get what YOU want!


:iagree:


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

complicated1 said:


> I never in a million years though I would be a person having a situation come in front of me straight out of a romance novel. But it has.
> 
> I'm new to this forum and needed some anonymous outlet for my emotions, fears, concerns, etc.
> 
> ...



You should be very careful abouyt anything you do if your ego is so weak.... a man you have not seen in years has the power to actually destroy your marriage based on common words.
Pray and ask God to help ground you as your ego seems to be massive and going to get you in trouble. You say you love your husband ???!!!
so the only thing to do is get away from the man who is trying to ruin your marriage.
You do not have 2 men to love... you have a massive ego to believe this.
Ask your husband to help you if you can't do it yourself and get away from anyone who has the poweer to influence you to do thisngs that will destroy your marriage. 
If this old lover / BF had any respect for you he would respect the fact your married ! He would keep his mouth shut too !!! no matter how he feels about you...
so
Don't kid yourself about his love for you and his feelings.... and don't throw away a good marriage based upon a man who actually does not respect you.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I think you can love two men, and at once, but rarely in exactly the same way. Much like you can love two children, just as much, but in slightly differnet ways. Love doesn't divide, it multiplies!

Is there anyway to get that passion with your husband? talk to him about it? 

How about a three way to get it out of your system? Meet at hotel and spend the weekend getting it out of your system with all of you. Talk to your husband about it - tell him how you feel and how conflicted you are. He might be ok with it


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Ok...so these are just my opinions...3 way no way. If you are this conflicted right now you need not be physical w/said ex BF long lost lover boy.

Secondly, temptation is a b*tch we all know that, and lets look at the odds here, tempatation doesn't usually get us where we want to be in the end....reread all the threads where people are trying to work past EA's and PA's, looks like you're in or headed towards an EA and it's bad enough already....don't add PA to that whether it includes the hubby or not. 

Don't give into the b*tch that is temptation if you say you love your husband then the past must be the past and let it remain at that. Continue with your present and keep working towards your future...quit entertaining thoughts of seeing him or else I have a feeling you'll be back here with a "omg I cheated on my husband how to we get past this" thread next. 

Just my .02 cents which isn't worth much but drop my pennies next to the other advice here and add it up. 

Good luck and stay strong


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

Loving more than one man is possible as SNIX says, but giving your heart to another one while married is hell :FIREdevil:

You feel too torn all the time :banghead: I KNOW. I have lived it too long. The ego boost of finding out someone with whom you were passionate is very tempting. But it is unlikely to be fullfilling if you choose it. The pain of all involved will take away the spark you now feel. Besides, there was a reason it broke off before. 

Most likely the reason he is telling you this now is not so much because of his great love, but because of his own needs.

Give your husband the benefit of his trust. Don't talk to this guy again. Leave it in your own personal fantasy, romance novel. Enjoy the feeling of being a passionate person. If you can find that with your husband, great. If not, realize the passion is yours and not due to this other guy.
One question, does your husband's statement about a lack of concern show you his trust or his lack of interest in you? I suspect the latter or you would not be as interested in your old flame.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

There must be something lacking in your marriage to get to this stage of wanting to have a sexual fling with this ex-boyfriend. As much as it hurts to break ties with a man that was special to you, it is wisest to have no contact with the other man. Feed your fantasies by daydreaming about Brad Pitt, or someone you can't have. It is much safer.


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## Chloebluegreen (May 26, 2009)

A ten year marriage and three kids with someone you yourself describe as an 'amazing husband', is surely not worth risking for what will almost certainly be a short term fling with someone you didn't even see for over 10 years!

You also write 'I could never let that happen, or I would be destroying all that is good'. You clearly know what the consequences would be if you saw this man again, so I have to agree with the majority of the previous posters - do the sensible thing and stay away from him.

Good luck.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

SFladybug said:


> Loving more than one man is possible as SNIX says, but giving your heart to another one while married is hell :FIREdevil:
> 
> You feel too torn all the time :banghead: I KNOW. I have lived it too long. The ego boost of finding out someone with whom you were passionate is very tempting. But it is unlikely to be fullfilling if you choose it. The pain of all involved will take away the spark you now feel. Besides, there was a reason it broke off before.
> 
> ...


_________________________________________
THIS one sentance, HITS THE NAIL ON THE HEAD !!!
and worth repeating !!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~
Most likely the reason he is telling you this now is not so much because of his great love, but because of his own needs. ~~~~~~~~
_________________________________________________

you can bet on it !!!!!!!!!!!
:iagree:

has maybe 5% to do with her, that she open for this kind of thing
and 95% to do with him.
There is no love there, only his needs.

Get away from this guy.


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## TabbyCat (Jun 13, 2009)

You know, this guy couldn't commit to you (sounds like a booty call. I was one of those too, and didn't even know what it was), and you made a decision to have a future, so you married a good man that loves you. You and he made a promise to each other. In a marriage, that love and trust is like gold. Sometimes in relationships you have to make decisions with your head, not your heart, to do what is utimately right for you.

Maybe this guy came back into your life to remind you of your own passion. You stated you're overweight. I'm sure it felt wonderful to have someone shower you with all that attention. Just accept it as a compliment and feel good about it, and leave it at that. Maybe put some of your passion (don't get me wrong, I'm passionate too) into getting into shape so you feel great in mind and body. Your husband sound like a good man, he'd probably start working on himself too. He sounds understanding and trusting, and he probably can't wait for this storm to be over. Trusting someone doesn't mean that you can't be a little nervous over it.

Sometimes things happen while we are married that make the marriage stronger. Maybe this is one of those moments.

Be happy, and love your family.
Good Luck to you.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

TabbyCat said:


> You know, this guy couldn't commit to you (sounds like a booty call. I was one of those too, and didn't even know what it was), and you made a decision to have a future, so you married a good man that loves you. You and he made a promise to each other. In a marriage, that love and trust is like gold. Sometimes in relationships you have to make decisions with your head, not your heart, to do what is utimately right for you.
> 
> Maybe this guy came back into your life to remind you of your own passion. You stated you're overweight. I'm sure it felt wonderful to have someone shower you with all that attention. Just accept it as a compliment and feel good about it, and leave it at that. Maybe put some of your passion (don't get me wrong, I'm passionate too) into getting into shape so you feel great in mind and body. Your husband sound like a good man, he'd probably start working on himself too. He sounds understanding and trusting, and he probably can't wait for this storm to be over. Trusting someone doesn't mean that you can't be a little nervous over it.
> 
> ...


:iagree::smthumbup:


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

the title of this thread should be changed to:
one man I married and love
and

a shot in the dark, from my past who could destroy my whole life.

I should mention... I also had a shot in the dark from my past show up, it was before I even met my now husband. He came over and left his card and I called him to ask him if he was going to start stalking me now.
He said:
he never stopped thinking about me
he said he still loved me
He said he thought we were so perfect together and it was a mistake
we broke up
he said a lot of tother things too........... ( I guess typical of a man to say to win a womans affections)

so heres what I did, I followed him the follwing sunday and went in disguise to where he invited me to go jog and he was eyeballing women left and right, jogging behind some of them like some pervert.
I was disgusted.
He called again and started to throw his bull at me and I realized he was more or less up to his eyeballs in debt too...
and maybe even on the verge of losing everything and I told him this...
LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE AND ITS OVER NOW.

a few motnhs later because I was free from the drama the right man not only came along but I was free of hassle and upset and it would never have happened if shot in the dark from my past
( horney and broke) was in my life in any way.

Tempmptation can come in many forms and for most it serves to only RUIN our lives, not make them better.
You do not have 2 men to love, you only have temptation which in most likelyhood will end badly for you if you go for the temptation.


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## blessed1 (May 24, 2009)

Hello my friend,
I don't know you but the situation I am now living is very simular in the way I felt about this man. I moved in with him at 18 yrs old. I had two children and we decided to live together and raise them. He was a good man and father to my children,but later got on drugs. If it was not tied down he would smoke it drank it, snort it, whatever way he could get it down thats what he did. And as the drugs use got heavier, he started seeing other women while he was with me. I found out and left him and moved back home with my parents. I was there maybe a day and he came back and got me. Now he was no longer the man I moved in with the drug use had changed him, he had become the drugs he was using and lost his job. He then became physically abusive and I fould out I was pregnant with our first child. I was not happy, but I did not want to get rid of the baby, but the drugs and violence I had a miscarriage at 5 months. I again left him and went back to live with my parents and with violence he took me and my children back home I later got pregnant again and had a daughter and later a son. Finally after 7 years of living together and using his last name in texas that meant we were married. I decided to leave him in the middle of a hurricane. I left him and moved to another neighborhood everytime he found me, I would leave everything behind and move with the clothes on our backs and what little money I had. Eventually he got the message and watched his children from afar but he did not try to contact me after several failed attempts. We met and the passion and violence was unmatched, the lovemaking was more of an addiction for me, I guess. But after a couple of years we had sex and it was wonderful, but I did not get back with him. At least not until 26 years later. I still loved him even after all of those years, and I thought he had matured enough and had changed. I thought with all that he had been through that we would able to pick up our marriage and grow older together. A lot had happened and our son was shot 5 times and left for dead. This act left him a paraphalegic with 5 bullets still in his body. But him and I talked and decided to give our marriage another go. Our children were against it but we decided to give it ago any way. Within two weeks I was pregnant at 48 going on 49 years old I was really ashamed of it. And when I found out he still had that same drug habit I was in shock more than the pregnancy. I found out at 3 months it was twins and I was terrified because I was growing so fast. Our youngest child was 26 years old and I was scared. Then as my belly got bigger he started using drugs and staying away from home more. The violence we had in our marriage when we were younger was gone but the drugs were still there and this plus age took a toll on the pregnancy and me and I lost them at 20 weeks. It was hard on me and my body, it took several weeks before I could return to work again. I loved this man with all of my heart and found out that not only was he still married to me but to another woman as well. After 2 years of drugs and him going in and out of jail I decided that at 50 years old I wanted more. I consulted a lawyer and and was told I had to divorce him, but he was married to someone else. He tried to divorce her but could not stay off the drugs and out of jail long enough to pay the $707.00 left from the $1307.00 for the divorce. I decided that I wanted more than he could give me and during the 2 years we were together he was back in jail more than out of jail. It was too much drama and excitement for me to deal with. So I told him that I was walking away because I wanted more than he could give me and I was not going to wait any longer for him to divorce her just take the money and go back to his second wife and I would step aside. After 31 years of marriage I wanted more than he could give me. I wanted to be important to to him and to be married and happy with him but I wasn't willing to take the chance with his addiction and repeated jail fiascos so I walked away. My heart was broken and I cried oh God did I cry. All the dreams that I had for us died that day on March 07,2009. I had met a man that I befriended back in April 2008 when my new house was being built, when I moved into my new house in Sept. 08 and he came and kept the yard cut and did little odd jobs for me and I paid him. He knew I was married and we became best friends never once did he disrespect me, he was there for me. Even after me being hurt on the job and not able to care for myself he came and took care of me, I loved him for that but not as my man. I told him about my husband being in an out of jail and he had nothing to say except that unfortunate for me and my husband. But eventually I told him about my childrens father and I lived together and separated and during that time he married someone else and he is still married to her. And how hurt I was about that and I was walking away because he was not willing to change and I was not willing to waste anymore time on him. On march 23,2008 my friend to me how he felt about me and told me he would not disrespect me because he thought I was married and he wanted me to be his wife then he asked me to marry him and told me he had feelings for me but would not say anything until now. He thought I was married to the man that he saw a couple of times and I told him there was nothing that stated I was married to him but me it was not listed in the courthouse. When I was ill he took care of me and was there for me no matter what. I married him on May 05,2009. And the man that I loved so deeply was killed on June 2,2009. I thought I hurt when I decided to leave him and move on with my life,but my God, I lost 13 lbs in one week and could not cry or grieve him because my new husband did not understand. But he could see my pain and he kept asking me to talk to him but I would not. I am dealing better with it but still think of him daily and how all of what he went through could have been avoided had he decided to get himself together before I got to where I did not trust the lies and the drugs. He was shot in the back and the bullet pierced his heart and killed him. It was very difficult, I was not allowed at the funeral but I did go to the public viewing. He loved me and was sick, due to the drugs and he ended up just as I used to tell him if anything happened to him as long as he was married to her they would call her not me. And that is exactly what happened. She made sure that I could not come to the funeral, I was parked outside the funeral him in my car, I had to bring our son to pay his respect to his father. I sat out in the car crying my eyes out, because that was not the way it should have ended for us, but it did. He had called me that night wanting me to meet him, but I refused because if I had my marriage to my new husband would have been over. He was killed that night. 
I will always love me but my husband will never know that fact,or at least he will never hear it from my mouth. I know he could see the pain I was going through but he could not except that I still loved this man that brought me so much pain, but I did and still do. My marriage would have been damaged if he were still alive today, but God took care of that for me because I did not have the strenght to do it for myself. Don't let the same thing happen to you. Stay with your husband and your children and walk away from what could have been and embrace what is. The pain in the end to the children, your marriage and you is not worth it. Take it from someone that knows love from a man that was, the passion I shared with him was far greater than what I have with my husband. He is my husband and I know he loves me and that will have to be enough. I hope to love him that way but I don't know if I ever will.
blessed1


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Wow...Blessed1 that made me cry and to be quite honest I'm at a loss for words as far as a response could go.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. 
Hugs Rhea


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Blessed1 -- I don't understand the purpose of your post. It sounds like a troll post. 

You definitely need paragraph breaks!


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

omg Blessed1..im so sorry you had to go thru all of that, it sounds so horrible. 

As far as loving 2 men... if you truely love the man you're married to, then why love someone else? Its not right, nor will it ever be right. You need to leave this other man alone. It sounds like you have a great marriage, and this other man is set out to destroy it cause he lost something great. Dont let him ruin it, tell him to get lost.. if he "loves" you like he says he does, then he will leave you alone and let you be happy in your marriage, with your husband and kids. The only man you should be focused on is your husband, this other guy is just wanting a piece of ass..


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

hes just giving you a new attention . that makes you think about the if's , but's and maybe's. fact here if you were meant to be in the first place. you would have been together. you are jeopardising what sounds like to be a good relationship with your H. trust me the ex boyfriend stil has his issues from his past. he wil do what he did to you then , all over again.


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