# Lost and Lonely



## Kiloman76 (May 8, 2013)

Hi, I'm new to this site, but it looks like there is an abundance of information and support. I look forward to everyone's feedback. Anyway, here goes, I am 37, my wife is 34, we have been together 9 years, married 6years. Things were great until about a year after we got married, first her sex drive dropped to the point it rarely happened, then she started pushing me away, literally. I would go to snuggle or give her a hug and she would push me a way and tell me to leave her alone. This went on, sometimes it would get better and then worse, so I chalked it up to adjusting to married life. However, in the back of my mind I always thought this was strange as We lived together before we were married. Years passed 2 children later and it has gotten much worse. There is pity sex once every 3 to 4 months, when I hug her she just stand there with her arms at her side, sometimes she will put her head on my chest if I'm lucky. She is now angry most of the time and screams at me at the drop of a hat. Last week I was away on business for 4 days (only happens 2x per year)and when I came home she wouldn't say hi to me, she just told the kids to say hi to me. I unpacked and as soon as the kids she babysits for went home she shot out the door and said I need to get out of here before I freak out. I said we'll that's fine, but I haven't seen for a few days and I wanted to give you a hug. She told me she didn't need a hug from me and left. When she came back, I was supportive and asked if she was OK and why she had such a bad day. She then screamed at me and said I should know better to ask that question, after a period of her screaming at me I told her that was inappropriate and walked away and didn't talk to her the rest of the evening. She did apologize and over the weekend was somewhat approachable. Then on Monday, she screamed and swore at me when I asked if 1pm would work for going to my mom's for Mother's Day, again stating I should know how the family works by now and that's when the kids nap. Keep in mind, the previous day she told me either lunch or dinner would work. When I pointed this out she said 11am is lunch and I should have told my mother that. I never eat lunch at 11am, so not sure where that came from. Anyway, I think you get the picture, everyday there is a new rule I have to follow and if I don't I am an idiot and she either yells, makes a derogatory comment, or tells me I should know this. She says nothing is wrong and she is happy, she doesn't think anything is wrong. She won't see a marriage counselor and refuses to talk about it. I'm not sure what to do anymore, I am so lonely, at the moment, my kids are the only thing keeping me there. If I left, I would get stuck paying child support and alimony for our 2 kids. Sorry being long winded, I could go on for days with this. Though?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Tell her that unless something changes you're seeing a lawyer because you refuse to live the rest of your life like this. Tell her that MC is non negotiable and that everything is NOT all right. Tell her that you will not allow your marriage to continue to deteriorate without a fight, and then DO something about it. Don't let her keep pretending everything's fine. The fact that you don't think it's fine should be reason enough for her to sit up and take notice.

My husband used the fact I was behaving a lot like your wife as a reason to cheat, and GOD how I wish he'd given me an ultimatum like that rather than do what he did. I'm not saying you would, but there's ALWAYS a better alternative to doing nothing too.


----------



## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

Her treatment of you is really bad. Her withholding sex and affection is really bad. Her yelling and screaming at you is really bad. Right now, your marriage is not working. 

I know how it is right now to be HD with a LD partner, but my H makes such an effort to make sure I am satisfied when I let him know I need sex or affection. Also, he can be gone for work more than I wish, but I don't treat him as terribly as your W. No yelling in our house.

That said, you're comment about D is that you would pay child support and alimony. Really? That is your first thought? Not that you love her, or you would break your family up? 

Again, your marriage is not working for both of you. You need to get to the bottom of this. Have you asked her what is going on? This is not good, and you may need to issue an ultimatum: MC or separation. 

I'm sorry you are in this position. This would be hard on anyone and I hope you can work this out.


----------



## Kiloman76 (May 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Tell her that unless something changes you're seeing a lawyer because you refuse to live the rest of your life like this. Tell her that MC is non negotiable and that everything is NOT all right. Tell her that you will not allow your marriage to continue to deteriorate without a fight, and then DO something about it. Don't let her keep pretending everything's fine. The fact that you don't think it's fine should be reason enough for her to sit up and take notice.
> 
> My husband used the fact I was behaving a lot like your wife as a reason to cheat, and GOD how I wish he'd given me an ultimatum like that rather than do what he did. I'm not saying you would, but there's ALWAYS a better alternative to doing nothing too.


I have tried the ultimatum and her response is deal with it or divorce me. I've drawn the line many times, I even left, her response is the same. In fact she says the problem is me, I'm too sensitive and don't like to be told what to do. The thing is I don't know anyone who likes to be told what to do. I am more sensitive than most men, and sometimes I almost buy into it and think that the issue is me, but then I realize, no one should be treated that way regardless of what is going on in the relationship. I have tried everything, being nice, drawing the line, legal action, the answer is always the same. My wife is someone who doesn't back down from anything, even if she knows she's wrong.


----------



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

There's something that's eating away at her. That's why she's so hot tempered and irritated. Have you noticed any other things like..has she been leaving the house often and sometimes for dumb reasons? Any changes in hair do's or clothing? 

Any past issues that you have not disclosed?


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Kiloman76 said:


> I have tried everything, being nice, drawing the line, legal action, the answer is always the same. My wife is someone who doesn't back down from anything, even if she knows she's wrong.


You never follow through and she knows it. Why would she back down, she knows you're bluffing. She got you where she wants you, under control.


----------



## Kiloman76 (May 8, 2013)

firefly789 said:


> That said, you're comment about D is that you would pay child support and alimony. Really? That is your first thought? Not that you love her, or you would break your family up?


Sorry, that is not my first thought, my first thought are my children as I stated that is the only reason that I stay. I do love her, but every incident strips it away, I imagine if I stay long enough without getting the problem fixed (this means my faults too) that it will eventually be gone, my biggest fear.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

anchorwatch said:


> You never follow through and she knows it. Why would she back down, she knows you're bluffing. She got you where she wants you, under control.


THIS. Here is your answer. Never, ever make a threat if you don't fully intend to follow through.

Heck, if I had talked to my husband the way your wife talks to you, he would have been out the front door in a New York minute - and he wouldn't be comin' back!

Dang. If nothing else, separate and get some breathing space. From what you are saying, it sounds like she has either checked out entirely or is calling your bluff. As it is, your hollow threats are doing nothing more than making her disrespect you more.


----------



## Kiloman76 (May 8, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> You never follow through and she knows it. Why would she back down, she knows you're bluffing. She got you where she wants you, under control.


No, I don't think that's it at all, I think she's looking for a reason to get divorced without her actually having to do anything.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Well then ... give the lady what she wants. Why the heck stay with someone who wants nothing more than to kick you out of their life but doesn't have the guts or integrity to do it themselves?

Why waste your time with someone like this? You deserve better.


----------



## Kiloman76 (May 8, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> Well then ... give the lady what she wants. Why the heck stay with someone who wants nothing more than to kick you out of their life but doesn't have the guts or integrity to do it themselves?
> 
> Why waste your time with someone like this? You deserve better.


I stay because I think there is a mental health issue and if that is the case then I want to be there when she's ready to get help. If I actually do leave, I'm afraid it might send her over the edge. Last week when we were fighting after she calmed down and we talked about it she cried. She is crying more frequently, and she usually never cries, these are classic signs of depression. Sorry I forgot to include that in my post.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Kiloman76 said:


> I stay because I think there is a mental health issue and if that is the case then I want to be there when she's ready to get help.


Here's the thing ... when, and if, she wants help, she will reach out for it. I realize mental health issues are somewhat (note: I said "somewhat") different than alcoholism, but alcoholics are usually diagnosed with "co-morbidity." In other words, there were lots of mental issues not dealt with in a healthy manner; thus, depression, anxiety, BPD, are frequently part of the addictive process.

I had to stand back from my husband. He suffers from "terminal uniqueness," which is so common with addicts. It's basically a form of nobody-knows-the-trouble-I've-seen. Yeah. Right.

You cannot save your wife from herself. In fact, you may be the best target on which she can project her issues at this time. Thus, she wants you to hang around.

I certainly think you should be there to support her in her quest for emotional health. However, if she doesn't want to get into intensive therapy to plumb the depths of her psyche, you aren't going to be the one to make her go there.

Enabling. It doesn't help anyone. It just prolongs the sh!t and misery. Stay if you want. But, again, you ARE being dragged. I'm sorry.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Even more so, with mental health issues, there must be boundries.


----------



## Kiloman76 (May 8, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> Here's the thing ... when, and if, she wants help, she will reach out for it. I realize mental health issues are somewhat (note: I said "somewhat") different than alcoholism, but alcoholics are usually diagnosed with "co-morbidity." In other words, there were lots of mental issues not dealt with in a healthy manner; thus, depression, anxiety, BPD, are frequently part of the addictive process.
> 
> I had to stand back from my husband. He suffers from "terminal uniqueness," which is so common with addicts. It's basically a form of nobody-knows-the-trouble-I've-seen. Yeah. Right.
> 
> ...


You are absolutely right, she won't get help until she is ready, but honestly I think we're close, which I also why I don't think I am enabling. I set clear boundaries and when they are broken there are repercussions, after our fights, I told her it's not acceptable and didn't actively engage in conversations with her, She knew it was wrong and cried. Yes this is a sign of depression, but the circumstances also tell me that she is starting to understand the gravity of the problem. Either that, or she is a hell of an actor. Based on this I am willing to give it a little more time.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Kiloman76 said:


> I stay because I think there is a mental health issue and if that is the case then I want to be there when she's ready to get help. If I actually do leave, I'm afraid it might send her over the edge. Last week when we were fighting after she calmed down and we talked about it she cried. She is crying more frequently, and she usually never cries, these are classic signs of depression. Sorry I forgot to include that in my post.


THIS is enabling. 100%


----------



## Kiloman76 (May 8, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> There's something that's eating away at her. That's why she's so hot tempered and irritated. Have you noticed any other things like..has she been leaving the house often and sometimes for dumb reasons? Any changes in hair do's or clothing?
> 
> Any past issues that you have not disclosed?


She has changed her hair, shorter, and she does go to the store during the week and on weekends. However, she always comes back with groceries and I did check to see if she was cheating, and everything comes back as no. One thing I didn't disclose is more about me, I do have a very rare autoimmune disease that causes severe pain and degradation of all the cartilage in my body as well as causing aneurysms and heart valve disease. I am in the early stages, but it's pretty bad at times and sometimes I'm not able to help as much as I used to. I think she is in denial as she kind of brushes it off and she refuses to acknowledge the fact that I'm not going to be around as long as we thought not to mention the disability this will cause later down the road. Come to think of it, this behavior did start while I was being diagnosed, it took them 2 years and they thought I had Cancer. I do remember her telling me that her grandma died in a horrible accident and that she lost it and stopped believing in God because of it. Maybe she is pushing me away because she knows my time is shortened? Maybe it's because I gained 45lbs from the medications I have to take, I don't know, it's hard to say.


----------



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Kiloman76 said:


> She has changed her hair, shorter, and she does go to the store during the week and on weekends. However, she always comes back with groceries and I did check to see if she was cheating, and everything comes back as no. One thing I didn't disclose is more about me, I do have a very rare autoimmune disease that causes severe pain and degradation of all the cartilage in my body as well as causing aneurysms and heart valve disease. I am in the early stages, but it's pretty bad at times and sometimes I'm not able to help as much as I used to. I think she is in denial as she kind of brushes it off and she refuses to acknowledge the fact that I'm not going to be around as long as we thought not to mention the disability this will cause later down the road. Come to think of it, this behavior did start while I was being diagnosed, it took them 2 years and they thought I had Cancer. I do remember her telling me that her grandma died in a horrible accident and that she lost it and stopped believing in God because of it. Maybe she is pushing me away because she knows my time is shortened? Maybe it's because I gained 45lbs from the medications I have to take, I don't know, it's hard to say.


That all sounds very credible as to why she's treating you this way. She might be having faith issues, and resenting your illness and what it has and might cause. Have you two thought about getting some counselling? Getting it all out on the table? 

She might need someone to vent to about all of these big changes in hers and your life.


----------



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Also, you mentioned that you think she wants to D... Maybe that has to do with your illness as well? Maybe she feels that she doesn't want to deal with your new acquired illness.. that you are a burden or she might have to start thinking about letting you go (in case something happens to you and she's left alone)


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Kiloman76 said:


> I do have a very rare autoimmune disease that causes severe pain and degradation of all the cartilage in my body as well as causing aneurysms and heart valve disease. I am in the early stages, but it's pretty bad at times and sometimes I'm not able to help as much as I used to. I think she is in denial as *she kind of brushes it off and she refuses to acknowledge the fact that I'm not going to be around as long as we thought* not to mention the disability this will cause later down the road.


I'm sorry you are suffering from this disease. But please take heart - you may outlive her, regardless of what statistics say. The thing is, you are in serious denial. What kind of spouse minimizes the seriousness of their partner's illness? 

I'll tell you. I married one. When I came home from the Mayo Clinic with a cancer diagnosis, my husband blew me off with, "Well, I'll probably die of lung cancer since I smoke." WTF????

My dear man, you are campaigning to the the poster boy for Victim-of-the-Year. And I'm not being a hard-a$$ here, but I know of what I speak from going through the whole chemo crap, remission, and living wondering when the next shoe will drop ... all without my alcoholic spouse dealing with ANY reality whatsoever.

I'd rather die in the streets with my two cats than in a home where I could sit for eternity waiting for someone mentally unhinged to wake up and get real.

Stay if you want, but your illness is not any excuse whatsoever for you to be hanging around with your wife. 

You have enough on your plate.

You should respect your wife enough to leave her to dine from her own plate.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Being that sick, why do you want to spend the rest of your life miserable??

So she's mentally ill and you're physically ill. And you say she refuses counseling?? Can you see what is wrong with this picture??

Tell her that it is either counseling or divorce, give her a time limit, and FOLLOW THROUGH. You are getting NOWHERE doing what you've been doing.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Y'know what? You are going to come up with any argument you can think up to stay. Why? Because you want to stay. What if she gets better? What if she decides to get help? What if she wakes up and becomes compassionate and sees you are suffering?

You do that. Stay. But I walked out with cancer, no job, no future, and no idea where the heck I would land. Dang, I may be lying out in the streets next month.

But here's a huge wake-up call for you: You came into this world with nothing, and you will leave with nothing ...except your self-esteem, your integrity, and your imprint/DNA on the children your created. Other than that, it's all a bunch of bull crap.

The only mark I want to leave is that I treated people decently, whether or not they reciprocated. And many did not. Am I victim? Heck no. I did my fair share of crapping on people myself. But I own it. I make amends, whenever possible.

Take what you want and leave the rest. I wish you well.


----------



## Downtrodden_Hubby (Apr 10, 2013)

Because of your illness she should be in counselling and getting support anyway.

You can't know what the cause of it is. Bottom line she needs professional help. It doesn't have to be a marriage counsellor it can just by a counsellor/therapist/psychiatrist.

You will not be able to fix this. She will not be able to fix this. You need to have someone intervene. 

If she still refuses help, then you should seek the guidance of a professional. Your situation is beyond the means of anyone else.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Downtrodden_Hubby said:


> Your situation is beyond the means of anyone else.


:iagree:

Thank you very much for posting this. What you say is true. We are just a bunch of people out in cyberspace. This is a serious and tragic situation.

Both the poster and his wife need far more than we can supply.


----------



## Kiloman76 (May 8, 2013)

Well, this is all very interesting, I didn't expect the majority to jump on the leave your wife bandwagon, nor am I campaigning to be the victim of the year, just being truthful. I'm not in denial either, I know the gravity of the situation otherwise I would not be here seeking advice. Awareness is half the battle, many people go through this with no awareness that these action are considered abusive and never seek help. I will be seeking help, I'm just not ready to leave yet. Call me an enabler or whatever you wish, but in the end, I want to say that I gave it my all and at this point I don't know that I have. Here's the flip side to all of this, there was a one year span where I yelled a lot, I didn't withhold affection or demean her, but I was certainly crabby. I worked 50 hrs a week and was going to school for my bachelors degree, this does not condone my behavior, this is just a piece of the pie. My point is, she stuck it out, I wised up and mellowed out, and afterwards things were great, until she started acting in that manor. Her actions are much more extreme, but never the less shouldn't I stick it out at least for a little while. I mean I haven't even gone to any counseling yet to work on my own issues. My point is I want to make sure I did my part to make it work. If this action continues and at some point I feel like I have done everything I could, then I'm gone. But until then, I feel like I have a little more work to do. I took this approach in my first marriage, she left me for a coworker, and when it happend, I can say I did everything I could to make it work, and I feel pretty darn good about it.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

:banghead: :banghead:

If 'work to do' means enabling her behaviour, which is exactly what you are doing, HOW is that helping anything?!?!?!


----------



## Kiloman76 (May 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> :banghead: :banghead:
> 
> If 'work to do' means enabling her behaviour, which is exactly what you are doing, HOW is that helping anything?!?!?!


No, your not understanding, I need to work on me, I contribute to this problem also. I feed into what what she says, I yell back, I have insecurities which fuel the fire. Once in a while I even start the arguments.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She must be affected by your prognoses. 

Get help before it's too late. 

For both of you!


----------

