# I am the problem



## Lemonade Man (Apr 8, 2013)

I’ve been a lurker on TAM for well over a year now. I’ve been reluctant to write because I’ve seen how the WS has been treated and the WS don’t always stick around. Plus my skin is very thin and probably wouldn’t hold up to the attacks. On top of that my grammar isn’t all that great. Thank god for spell check. LOL

Here it goes… My wife and I have been together for over 20 years now and we are best friends. Before her I had very few experiences. The one that I dated were very HD and relative to them and me at 3-4 times a week, I thought I was I was low drive. I was always that one being pursued, usually by wilder women. I don’t know why that was. I was just the “nice guy”. I didn’t think I could trust them with somebody like me. Their “number” was always higher than mine.

So, I met my wife. We were both 25 and she was a virgin. I was actually relived that there was no pressure on me to perform… Wrong choice of words I think. It was well over a year before we had sex. I waited until she was ready. Eventually, after 8 years of dating we married. Sex was never really important to either of us. She was always LD maybe even Asexual. I always wanted more sex than she did. We weren’t big on affection either. We were best friends... We had some married issues, usually about money. Then I hit my mid-life crises.

After I started to work out with weight, my sex drive increased. I was also taking lots of energy vitamins. Some of them may have helped increase my libido... Who knows. We went from sex 3 times a month to 3 times a week. Sometimes more than that and my wife complied. ( not the best adjective) Duty sex maybe? Still not the best word choice. Maybe she did it because she loved me, even though she would rather me give her a back rub and be done with it.

At the same time women started to look at me different as I became more confident and the flirting started. That was when I came to TAM. By you alls definition, I was having borderline EA’s with several women. It Seemed al l innocent. I sopped the flirting already. 
Many years ago, when I was in A.A. the same thing happened. The meeting was so personal and the talking after the meetings were even more personal, So I stopped going to A.A. My problems at the time were nothing compared to them. I wanted to drink more after the meetings.
I think my wife knew the days when the women would flirt with me. Those were the days that I would be more affectionate and assertive. Sometimes my wife knew because she would ask what happened at work to get you so worked up?
The past 2 years or so have been an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I think I have BPD. My loving wife doesn’t respond to my foolish attitude. A while back I even threatened to leave because of the lack of feeling loved. I can be such a needy weenie. I see that now. My wife doesn’t play in to my mind games and it drives me crazy. 

I’ve stopped with the weights and most of the vitamins and since have slowed the sex to 2-3 times a month. My wife can handle that without being exhausted from it and I think with the voyeuristic reading on TAM has helped me see that I am the problem.

My story is not one of the wild ones her, so I know many may not respond. At least that is what I notice from other threads. Plus, I work long hours and I don’t get a whole lot of time for TAM. Believe me, I am reading though. 
We have had so many issues and I think things may be OK. I don’t know how my wife does it. I “think“ this may belong in the long term success. 

I don’t know what I am asking… I guess I just wanted to introduce myself and say Hey!

My body armor and helmet is ready now.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Hi! 

I'm not sure what you're asking, either, but nice to meet you.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So...you got in shape, took a bunch of supplements, shot up your sex drive, and got more sex. 

Then had a few borderline EA's, realized the error of your ways and stopped. 
And you realized that AA was making you more susceptible to EA so you stopped going to that. 
And you have stopped working out and downing pills with every meal. 
And your sex life is back to what it was BEFORE all this started. 

So tell me, 
Are you happy? 
Are you happier now than you were when you were exercising and downing protein and creatine with every meal?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

"The past 2 years or so have been an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I think I have BPD. My loving wife doesn’t respond to my foolish attitude. A while back I even threatened to leave because of the lack of feeling loved. I can be such a needy weenie. I see that now. My wife doesn’t play in to my mind games and it drives me crazy. 

I’ve stopped with the weights and most of the vitamins and since have slowed the sex to 2-3 times a month. My wife can handle that without being exhausted from it and I think with the voyeuristic reading on TAM has helped me see that I am the problem."



I find this just SAD. You say you have been reading here, but it doesnt seem like it based on this post! If you HAD been reading, you would see that YOU are not the problem here! You are NOT a "needy weenie" because you want love and affection from your wife! You made forward strides and improved yourself, while she sat back and did nothing. She is not meeting your needs, even if she did "comply" with having sex more often! Who wants a partner who merely "complies"?? 

I would suggest you get back to hitting those weights and living your life for you, the way you want to. She has proven ZERO interest in partnering with you in making things better and meeting your needs. Maybe try reading His Needs, Her Needs. Hold your head up, this isnt all your fault.


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## Lemonade Man (Apr 8, 2013)

3Xnocharm;1598013I find this just SAD. You say you have been reading here said:


> I have done the 180...Since there was very little affection anyway, that part didn't matter. As my sex drive increased, she did comply to meet my newly aquired needs. For a couple of years, I've felt like I was a rapist.
> 
> So when I threatened to leave because I felt she didn't desire me, I seems like I was being childish and it seemed like passive aggressive behavior. I don't know what I expect out of her.
> 
> When I feel the hint of that EA I hear so much on here, the fog that slowly developes clears enough to know that I would never want to hurt my wife. I controll my behavior. Just like being an alcoholic. I have to choose to not drink, even though I crave that drink so often. Well, I also crave that attention from women because I don't get that at home. Just because I think about it or I like it when women flirt, doesn't mean I should act on it. I think I know where that line is. If my wife heard what was said, would she like it...Probably not. So I back off.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sounds to me like you're selling yourself short. Are you two compatible? How so? It seems that sexual compatibility isn't there. What about in other ways?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Your story doesn't seem you need a helmet and body armor, not like you did a double betrayal or cheated on someone while one's on duty fighting a war - cause those stories even I would have to restrain myself on.

You're in a sexless marriage, your wife has no desire for sex, and I guess you could kinda expect it. As I mentioned though in my other thread I'm still rebuilding my confidence when it comes to posting advice nowadays considering my epic fail of a marriage (4 pathetic years)

But I do have experiences, I have cheated on my wife before marriage - a ONS, I know how it feels as well as how, the guilt, the sh-t that comes to your mind to justify it - hence I restrain myself on the infidelity section, I feel like a hypocrite to judge even if some stories just sicken me which I would never do.

I don't know what to say really though as I don't know what you are asking =/


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Just what do these emotional affairs provide you with that your wife doesn't?

Stopping exercise and AA meetings sounds defeatist. What you need to be is strong in mind and body and then address whatever it is that you also need from your wife and figure out how to get it.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I will have to disagree with some.She desires (not just "complies) to sex 2 to 3 times a month? Is not a "sexless marriage".Yeah its on the "lower side" of average.But that is not "sexless" anymore than you would consider it sexless if she was having "sex" 2 to 3 times a month with someone else besides you .



> Who wants a partner who merely "complies"??


I agree with this too..but if her drive is that much lower than yours .Getting MORE sex from her than she really is interested in can only be "compliance" sex.Her seemingly being "interested " in sex 2 to 3 times a month is not "asexual" and its not about her initiating that's a whole other topic.Her "complying " more often than she wants also isn't "a-sexual" either..

Sorry you have "classic mismatched" libido.Women have hormones too that "dictate" their sexual desire.Just like "testosterone" and one isn't any "better than the other".The fact that she does it "because she loves you" when she doesn't really want to and that being counted against her is sad.

If she has "desire" (I mean like horny) 2 to 3 times a month that is completely within the normal range for women at different points in her life.The fact she does it because she loves you more often absent of that(her own desire) because your hormones "dictate" desire more frequently I hardly see how she can be "faulted for that".

And no you aren't a "needy weenie" anymore than she is "asexual" or frigid .


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Just what do these emotional affairs provide you with that your wife doesn't?
> 
> Stopping exercise and AA meetings sounds defeatist. What you need to be is strong in mind and body and then address whatever it is that you also need from your wife and figure out how to get it.


TOTALLY agree...the next woman will have hormones too.Its highly "unusual" to be with someone for life (I mean the long haul) where you are both "horny" 3-4 times a week for 60 years at the same time.

This is all about libido too.He said they are "best friends".So what? She should start taking testoterone injections?Which by the way will shrink her breast ...make her more aggressive and grow hair on her body where it never grew before..and put her at risk of heart attack and stroke..or he can take estrogen and a little progesterone...which will make him "soft" and weepy and not all that into sex anymore...and at risk for man breast cancer.


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## Lemonade Man (Apr 8, 2013)

Yes dallas, we have different libido's. For the greater part of 20 years tried to convince myself that sex wasn't important. Over time, sex was very bad anyway. Sex was over so quick, so it wasn't really worth it. 

The gf's I had before my wife was just the opposite. They were the agressive ones and being the "nice shy" guy it was easy for me. At the time, I didn't think women with a very high sex drive would stay long term with the "nice" guy. So some how, I went in the opposite direction. I never for one second thought my wife would become the wild and crazy woman in the bedroom. I was hopeful that if over time, she would grow sexually.

As I said in my first post. All was kinda ok sexually. I just accepted it until I hit my 40's and started to work out with weights and running. I wasn't adding any protein powders to my diet, but I was taking some supplements that may have made my libido skyrocket. My wife even though I was taking viagra. 

She would comply even for 4 or 5 nights in a row. we never had sex 2 nights in a row for 17 or so years. I know she loves me and she is trying. It also hurt me .

So, I still work out. Just not with the heavy weights and I have stopped some of the supplements to kinda lower my drive so I am not horney all the time.

From previous gf from 20 plus years ago I was the one with the lower libido. It's all relative to some degree.

I did the 180 for a couple of years. I got the quantity sex that I wanted, but I didn't get the desire part I was really after. The other side effect was that other women seem more interested in me which lies the problem. That hasn't happened since I was a young man. Great if I was single. Not god for a married man.

Still don't know what advice I am asking. I can't increase her desire or improve our sexual chemistry. Not on her side anyway.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Lemonade Man said:


> I have done the 180...Since there was very little affection anyway, that part didn't matter. As my sex drive increased, she did comply to meet my newly aquired needs. For a couple of years, I've felt like I was a rapist.
> 
> So when I threatened to leave because I felt she didn't desire me, I seems like I was being childish and it seemed like passive aggressive behavior. I don't know what I expect out of her.


Firstly, we _all_ want to feel that our spouses desire us. That does not make anyone and needie weenie, as you put it. It makes us human. Some people can take that too far and become codependent, but from what you've said, that doesn't sound like you. 

So, first thing is first: if you genuinely don't feel that your wife desires you, you have to figure out why. What makes you feel loved? Is it sex? Hugs? Kisses? Holding hands? Cuddling? Do you feel loved when she says, "I love you"? Or when she says other positive things about you like, "I'm proud of you" or "I missed you today" or "I'm so happy you're home"? I ask this because it could be that she isn't meeting your emotional needs. And we all have them. Sometimes we have to identify what they are and then communicate them to our spouse.

Secondly, *you should still be working out*! Not for the increased sex drive, but for your health! I am highly concerned that you're so concerned over your wife's comfort that you're ignoring your own physical health. _NOT_ good, man. Get back in the gym. Keep working out. If you don't want your wife to feel uncomfortable with having sex more often, then the key isn't to go back to the sex drive you had before, the key is working with your wife to find a common ground. Get healthy, let your sex drive increase, and learn how to communicate with your wife. If you're feeling misunderstood, chances are she might feel the same way. 

Talk to her about sex and what she's comfortable with.



> When I feel the hint of that EA I hear so much on here, the fog that slowly developes clears enough to know that I would never want to hurt my wife. I controll my behavior. Just like being an alcoholic. I have to choose to not drink, even though I crave that drink so often. Well, I also crave that attention from women because I don't get that at home. Just because I think about it or I like it when women flirt, doesn't mean I should act on it.


Aha, so you crave attention from your wife..._that_ is what you're not getting. Have you told your wife you crave her attention? And in a non-threatening way? Threats, while they can have their place, shouldn't be done in anger if it can be helped. That just breaks trust, and you need your wife to trust you if you want her to flirt with you and show you sexual attention. Tell your wife what you need from her, and then ask her what she needs from you. 



> I think I know where that line is. If my wife heard what was said, would she like it...Probably not. So I back off.


You _have_ to be honest about your feelings. Relationships are two way streets, not one way streets. One person can't make an entire relationship work. You have to work together. But, you also have to be yourself. Get back in the gym, spend time bettering yourself, ignore the women who flirt, and communicate with your wife.


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## Lemonade Man (Apr 8, 2013)

Created to write---

I am glad you posted. I’ve been reading your post over the past several months. I feel like such a voyeur. Lol I like most of what you say. Your definitely a much better writer than myself.

I am not a person who shares very often. I am doing my best here. My time is short and I am using my lunch break. I work long hours…

So, to add to our life…

My wife and I met after a weird break-up of mine. I started to get personal with my gf and talked about my past and she left me. To me, that proved the phrase “if you really knew me you wouldn’t like me"..Yes, that was stupid I know.. So I got drunk a lot and soon got a DWI…Again, very stupid. 

My wife and I were friends from the start. We were in the same circle. So over a short period of time, I told her all my garbage and she didn’t run the other way. She revealed she was a virgin and most men didn’t stick around very long because she wouldn’t “put out”. I stayed around to prove I wasn’t that kind of person. Somewhere in all that we got married and had a child. That was over 20 years ago. We are still best friends

My wife is Asexual. She never thinks about sex. Her only wetness comes from my saliva and for 15 or so years, I have to say sex was just lousy. It was always painful for her. I was always the understanding husband. My libido dropped to almost nothing. I even stopped getting full erections. I guess if we don’t use it we lose it.

Intamacy/affection… Always awkward, always feel forced. Very few hugs and kisses. I crave for her to touch me then I don’t want her to touch me because I don't feel the sexual chemistry… I have told her how I feel the best way I know how. It gets better for a month or so and eventually go back to what it was. If I always initiate affection....(I don't mean sex) we would never even hug.

I still can’t imagine my life without her. She is my everything. She was with me during many really hard struggles in my life along with the passing of my Dad as well as two of my siblings. She stays even with my self diagnosed BPD moments.

That all changed with the MLC and ya’ll know the rest.
Unlike many say here, My wife has never done the “bait and switch” I knew all this over 20 years ago. I just convinced myself the sex wasn’t important. 

Sex is better now than ever before. For years it was 3 times a months and over in minutes. Then for a while.. A year or so...I ramped it up to 3-4 time a week and PIV last 30 or more minutes and we’ve added more positions. We skip the week of her period. I knew her disconfort and felt it was duty sex, I wanted her to know what I was capable of doing. Now it’s every two days or so. She needs two days to recover. 

I try to ignore the flirty gals

I still exerecise. I just backed off of the heavy weight and some of the supplements. My health is important.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

I don't want to seem like a negative Nellie here but for what it's worth...As you said she is not bait and switching --- if anyone is you are. You knew what you were getting into with her but did she know that this was going to happen with you -- 15 years into your marriage? Does she know about these almost EAs or how you have to force yourself not to flirt? I don't know that I buy this whole weightlifting vitamin thing ramping up your sex drive. To me it seems like a clear case of noticing other women noticing you and THAT is what is driving up your libido. As someone said above you do not have a sexless marriage, and because she loved you, she readily agreed to more frequency despute her physical uncomfortableness. If sex is really the main problem right now I would suggest that you don't fall into the trap of confusing the quantity of sex with the quality...


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## Lemonade Man (Apr 8, 2013)

Fledgling said:


> I don't want to seem like a negative Nellie here but for what it's worth...As you said she is not bait and switching --- if anyone is you are. You knew what you were getting into with her but did she know that this was going to happen with you -- 15 years into your marriage? Does she know about these almost EAs or how you have to force yourself not to flirt? I don't know that I buy this whole weightlifting vitamin thing ramping up your sex drive. To me it seems like a clear case of noticing other women noticing you and THAT is what is driving up your libido. As someone said above you do not have a sexless marriage, and because she loved you, she readily agreed to more frequency despute her physical uncomfortableness. If sex is really the main problem right now I would suggest that you don't fall into the trap of confusing the quantity of sex with the quality...



I’ll try to articulate this best way I know how. 
I think you are spot on on most everything. I am the one who started to work out, ramped up the sex and I expected her libido to increase at the same rate. I had my MLC and improved myself. As of now, she hasn’t taken steps to improve herself yet. She’s not ready. Like for myself, years ago, I had to be the ready to stop drinking. Nobody could force me to do that.. .Well, the courts in a way forced me..lol

My wifey ( to borrow the term from RandomDude) knows when women flirt. I’ll give an example of one thing that happened many years ago before we were married. A group of us were having lunch and the woman sitting next to me said something about her butt hurting from running and wanted somebody to massage it. So everybody look in my direction for some reason. She stood up, looked at me and asked me to rub her butt. So I did…It was funny and exciting at the same time Later she said that she enjoyed the massage and added that she didn’t think I would actually do it. For several weeks she touched her butt when I walked near her. That day though, I went home to my wife (then gf) and seduced her. She wondered what happened and I told her. She said something like “ I am happy that you came home to take care of it”. I wasn’t working out back then or taking supplements.

Most recent, Again having lunch..Different job and we start talking about food…Pretty innocent…They asked what my wife was going to make for dinner… I don’t know! What’s your favorite dish she makes... I am the one who cooks if I am home early enough. She throws chicken in the skillet adds veggies and soy sauce and calls that dinner. They see my sandwich and asks did she at least make your sandwich? No I make it myself and I make hers. Hmm ..”she must be awesome in bed” … I don’t say anything….”does she keep the house clean? My lack of a response answers their question. “ One woman said “ If you were my man I would…” Now on occasions they bring me lunch. They dress different and act different. I don’t know if it’s just flirting or teasing me. Maybe they know I am not going to respond, so they try harder. 

Some days I do come home more excited and assertive… She will laugh a little and ask about the women… I know she trusts me. I just don’t always trust myself. My mind is all over the place.

I know all of this could be my imagination. The women could just be friendly. Thats all... I don’t think I am a hunk and women ooogle over me. 

My wife doesn’t seem to equate sex with love. It’s more of an act of service she does for me. Like when I warm her car up on a cold morning or clean the dirty windshield, or walk our bog after dark or when it’s raining or when I pick up her coffee creamer when I go shopping even though it wasn't on the list... I don’t do nice thing in hopes for sex. I just do it. She knows I need sex and she wants to make me happy. So now she will even initiate. Sex has improved. I just want her to be satisfied too. She may do so out of fear of me leaving. It’s possible but not likely.

Maybe all of this is so silly and I am making too big of a deal out of this.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

So what I get from your post is that you have alot of problems aside from "improving yourself and your wife not keeping up."

I think any woman with a reasonably attractive man expects that other women will find him attractive. I think most women who are confident in their guy won't care over much if he looks at another woman from time to time. 

But you seriously misrepresented your level of dissatisfaction in your marriage. You should not be discussing your wife or your marriage with other women. Why? Because things that you were content with before are now on your radar as being "deficient". You claim that your wife is your best friend but you apparently harbor petty angers over her cooking skills? Her housekeeping skills? And if sex has been less than what you hoped these women make it out like it's the worse sex any guy has had ever. And what are you doing touching another woman's butt?!?!?!

Then you go on to one second say that your wife isn't giving you more sex out of love, she does it to make you happy. Like you walking the dog. Let's wake up and smell the coffee shall we. Your sex drive increased and she compensated as best that she was able. But she's just having duty sex? Please. _She's having sex because she loves you. Because she wants to make you happy._ How about giving her some credit instead of making her out to be an automaton with no feelings?

Stop talking to other women. If you want to stay healthy buy some gym equipment for the house and stop going to the gym where all the "hot women are". Secondly it seems like the only thing you have improved is your body, because obviously mentally and emotionally you have a long way to go.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Lemonade Man said:


> Created to write---
> 
> I am glad you posted. I’ve been reading your post over the past several months. I feel like such a voyeur. Lol I like most of what you say. Your definitely a much better writer than myself.


Well, thank. 



> I am not a person who shares very often. I am doing my best here. My time is short and I am using my lunch break. I work long hours…
> 
> So, to add to our life…
> 
> ...


Has she been clinically diagnosed as Asexual? Or is that just what you and she use to describe her low sex drive? Cause there are more than one reason why a woman or man might not think about sex very much, if at all. If you haven't already, I would suggest taking her to see a doctor. It's always better to know these things for sure, rather than guess and assume. 



> Her only wetness comes from my saliva and for 15 or so years, I have to say sex was just lousy.


She has no arousal whatsoever? I don't know much about Asexual people, but...this sounds like there could be something physically wrong. Is she on birth control, by any chance? Some women have pretty bad reactions to it. I did. Regardless, I strongly recommend taking her to see a doctor. That way you both know what your options are. 



> It was always painful for her. I was always the understanding husband. My libido dropped to almost nothing. I even stopped getting full erections. I guess if we don’t use it we lose it.


It sounds like she might have a vaginal problem...sex shouldn't be painful like that. When I was on birth control, sex became agonizingly painful. It's really difficult to get aroused and excited for sex when you know it's going to hurt. My libido dropped a lot, and instead of sacrificing something so important, I stopped taking the birth control. 

If you can, get her to the doctor. It's not fair to either of you to guess and assume the problem. (I don't remember if you've been to the doctor already or not...) It's not fair to you to have lousy, unsatisfying sex all the time, nor is it fair to her to feel inadequate during painful sex. 



> Intamacy/affection… Always awkward, always feel forced. Very few hugs and kisses. I crave for her to touch me then I don’t want her to touch me because I don't feel the sexual chemistry… I have told her how I feel the best way I know how. It gets better for a month or so and eventually go back to what it was. If I always initiate affection....(I don't mean sex) we would never even hug.


This sounds to me like she really doesn't care much about your emotional fulfillment. The sexual issue sounds complicated, like there could be a hormonal or physical issue causing the pain and lack of desire in her. But this sounds like she's indifferent to your need for physical affection. 

Does she say why the change only goes for a month or so? Is there something she needs that she's not getting from you on a consistent basis? Is she bitter about the sex?



> I still can’t imagine my life without her. She is my everything. She was with me during many really hard struggles in my life along with the passing of my Dad as well as two of my siblings. She stays even with my self diagnosed BPD moments.


That's because that's what spouses do...they support each other. But that support can't just be in the really horrible loss moments, like losing family members; that support has to be in meeting our spouses emotional needs. THAT is something she's NOT actively doing. Don't paint yourself as some horrible person who doesn't deserve love, man. 



> That all changed with the MLC and ya’ll know the rest.
> Unlike many say here, My wife has never done the “bait and switch” I knew all this over 20 years ago. I just convinced myself the sex wasn’t important.


A major mistake. Sex is HIGHLY important in marriage. Unfortunately, it sounds as if she might be bitter...thinking that you were in agreement about sex(not desiring it much) and now seeing that you actually desire it quite a bit. But, there is still hope. Take her a doctor and see if she really is Asexual, or if there is something else going on. 



> Sex is better now than ever before. For years it was 3 times a months and over in minutes. Then for a while.. A year or so...I ramped it up to 3-4 time a week and PIV last 30 or more minutes and we’ve added more positions. We skip the week of her period. I knew her disconfort and felt it was duty sex, I wanted her to know what I was capable of doing. Now it’s every two days or so. She needs two days to recover.


Which is very considerate. The goal, here, imo, should be you working together to find a middle ground; having enough sex to satisfy you, but not so much that she feels used.



> I try to ignore the flirty gals


Good. Because it is SO much more worth it to work together with the woman you really love to fix this issue, than ruin it altogether with some woman checking you out at the gym. It's much more difficult to work things out with your wife and fight temptation, but it will be worth it in the end.



> I still exerecise. I just backed off of the heavy weight and some of the supplements. My health is important.


Okay. Good.


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