# hit the fan tonight



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

My suspicions were right, I looked at his call log, showed me his last dialed call was 9 minutes, but showed on his log the last person dialed was me. The minutes didnt add up. He put her phone number under a co workers name. He has been calling her and txting her. I didn't know if I'd have the strength, but I sent him packing. I told him he is putting his friendship with her more important than his family. He disagrees, my God where do we go from here??? I have tried and tried to find her boyfriends number, and I can't. 

I called his sister who knows what happened and told her what I found tonight and he was on his way over to her house. I told him last night about my ability to see who he called, and told him I could see if he had been in contact with her. I asked him again have you had contact, said no. (this was last night) He lied again, why lie if you know I was gonna be able to find out. I am numb, we only have 1 working vehicle, and he needs it to go to work, so I am sitting here with no car.

He says he feels bad for hurting me, then why keep doing it???? I don't know what to do now. I told him I was not going to allow him to make a fool of me yet again. He was not to come home until he had zero contact with her and he was willing to work on our marriage, I will not contact him unless it's concerning visiting the kids. The stipulations will be it has to be at his sisters house, I don't want her anywhere near my children. They will spend every night here.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Got in touch with her, she said they were both just talking about problems in her relationship, she apologized for upsetting me, but isn't sorry for just TALKING to him, I hate her.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I'm so sorry for you paramore. I don't know what I'll do if I find another contact. As everyone has been telling me and I'm finally getting my head out of my arse and seeing, you have to be firm. Exposure worked for me, at least it may have. She did get on and tell him today it was over.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I don't want the whole sordid story of what we did out there, it wouldn't be fair to me if I exposed just this one transgression without giving the whole story and exposing my mistakes. I don't need the whole world to know that we swapped... still txting with her. I realize she isn't the problem, but with them txting i love you to each other is adding to the whole mess. she admitted her feelings but said she would have never slept with him. Bull, I told her people do crazy things in situations that they never thought they would. She said I shouldn't have kicked him out, that she wouldn't have. Now I am secondguessing myself, am I driving him right to her??? 

I told her I realize you are having relationship problems, and that I was sorry for that, that I had had no problem when it was just a friends thing, when they just talked about life, it's when the feelings got involved is where it crossed the line, he would call her at 530 in the morning and talk to her on the way to work, and they would talk 3 4 5 times a day during the day. They both have jobs where it's allowed, so exposing to their works would do no good. He used to call me on his lunch breaks, but as I watch kids it was when I was putting them down for nap, and he'd get upset when it seemed like I couldn't wait to get off the phone. I just txted her that if she truly cares for him and want what's best for him stop contact now so he can get his head on straight and make clear headed decisions.

She just txted me that she isn't gonna promise not to talk to him, if she truly cared for him as a friend, she'd let go and give him the chance he deserves to get his head on straight. She is being selfish, he's being stubborn. How can I trust that they wouldn't be saying I love u I love u I love u for the next 5 years if he and I got back together? That things wouldn't escalate into a PA? At least when he was at home I could keep an eye on him, because he's always been pretty good about coming just too and from work. Do I let him come back???


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

You made the right move.

One thing in your post TRUMPS everything else, dear Paramore.

He put it under another name. This was diliberate, intentional deception. There is something going on, without a single doubt.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Strong work hang in there.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I just added to my above post twotime, care to weigh in?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

cuz now that he's at sisters house he won't be able to see the positive progress I will be making. I am struggling to stick to my guns here.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

paramore said:


> Got in touch with her, she said they were both just talking about problems in her relationship, she apologized for upsetting me, but isn't sorry for just TALKING to him, I hate her.


This must be a usual excuse cause that is what my H and the OW told me too! That they were talking about their marriage , and few days later they admitted feelings. 

This makes me sick to my stomach !


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

There is so much you said that was the same things said to me from H and her ! 

Yes makes me ill, I still don't know what to do about it all. I still don't even know if they talk. He texts all the time on his phone. And he will point things out to my kids like showing them his text messages so they know it was not him.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am sure he's on the phone with her right now, complaining about me. I am so scared I just made things worse, he doesn't see that being involved with her isn't allowing him to get his head on straight. His sister said she is gonna try to get him to go to counseling, she did agree that he should stop talking to her, at least for now, her words not mine. She also agreed that not agreeing to let her go is putting his friendship with her above his kids and his family. I am so secondguessing myself right now. I mean I understand that if they honestly did talk about kids, relationships, etc. But the I love yous I can't wait to see you, she doesn't see IMO how things could have escalated. I told her maybe you wouldn't have done that, but people do crazy things in certain situations, I am speaking from personal experience. I want him to come home so bad, I am the one who kicked him out!!! For all I know they may not have been saying I love you to each other, and just honestly talking, but how do I know?


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

I just typed out an essay worth of advice, and it all deleted because my mouse clicked the back button... so unfortunately, you get the abridged retyped version, but its gonna be more pissed off now cause i have to retype.

your actions are not giving the desired result because you have no reasonable expectations. 

As a matter of fact, you dont even know what YOU expect. You call the guy an S.O.B. in one sentence then say you want him back in the next. The only action you should be doing is making a decision on if you want him in your life or not. 

If you do, then you need to have the balls to let him go, if he isnt onboard with you.

Here is an ugly fact... You have one car, one income for 5 people and basically you have almost zero options if a divorce happens. He will get stuck with a child support payment that will crush his paycheck and wont cover your bills. You will both be up sh*t creek without a paddle. DOES HE KNOW THAT?

Who cares if you love eachother? you NEED eachother. yes we want the marriage to work, but if he isnt going to do it for love, then he damn well do it to avoid giving BJ's on the side of the road for child support money. 

You are married to an idiot. Sorry, but its true. If you tell his GF anything, it should be " Im gonna nail that son of a ***** with child support for 3 kids, plus alimony, he wont be worth a dime, you are better off romancing a hobo"

You got 3 things on your plate....

Emotional Choas because of despiration

The task of saving a marriage tainted by both of you

and concern over Food, Shelter, Children

What is most important to you?

Go tot he courthouse tommorow and get divorce papers, lay em out on the table and invite him over for a conversation. Explain to him the future he is creating for his kids, and himself.. dont even mention you. Then ask him if he is ready to jump through that hoop. 

You cant do a damn thing, until this other woman is gone... so forcehim to make a choice, NOW. by tuesday, you should have your answer. Once you get him to commit tot he relationship, then we can talk about what YOU need to change and what he needs to change. But without that... dont waste your time. You can work on emotions and love after you have that.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Oh I do want him back, I just waver back and forth because of all the emotions right now. I do bring in a small income, I watch kids, but not anything that I can cover a house payment with lol. There's no way I could live out here on my own. I mean if we divorced he's still responsible for the house payment and second mortgage, our finances are still tied together. He won't be able to stay at sisters forever, and he can't afford a place to live. I know that regardless of love we need each other financially. I find out this last week that's one of the real reasons he came back the first time.

Right now, the needs of my children are most important hands down. I understand his head isn't in the right place but he's refusing to deal with his issues to get it on straight. Saying I love you to some other woman isn't going to get that to happen. Right now all i can do is focus on my kids and myself, I can't force him to come to his senses and wake up, and yes I will be strong enough to give him up when the time comes. 

I can't go to the courthouse tomorrow, he's got the vehicle, I am hoping his sister has an extra car he can borrow to get to work I need to have an available vehicle. I will try to get a hold of him tomorrow as I have a few more questions for him anyways, and I will explain this to him.

Can you believe twotime that he disagrees with my statement that he is putting his friendship with her before his family? I mean seriously. He is choosing to keep talking to her, so I kick him out. Now he's a parttime father, he's out of his home, can't afford a place of his own, for this woman. How is that NOT putting her before his family. I asked him how he feels about another man possibly helping raise his kids, he said he didn't like that idea. 

I mean seriously is talking to her so important that he only sees his kids a few times a week? Is it worth him possibly having to stay at his sisters for years? Is it worth losing me forever? There is a part of him that wants to work it out. Is it worth going from a house that we've lived in for 8 years to some little apartment. Oh wait that could be what he wants, he's mentioned he wants our life to be more simple, well I have taken some steps to make that happen, nothing happens overnight. Is it worth it not watching his son play playstation every night for a little while? Just because he wants to talk to some woman? HE IS PUTTING HER FIRST!!! Plain and simple, he needs to pull his head out of his bum and see this.

If he bonks her, ohhhh I may end up in jail lol. Sad attempt at humor lol. I realize at this stage he is in that fog, I mean is it really worth it, I say hell to the no.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

paramore said:


> .
> 
> I can't go to the courthouse tomorrow, he's got the vehicle, I am hoping his sister has an extra car he can borrow to get to work I need to have an available vehicle.
> 
> ...



There is no such thing as Can't, only won't. a cab, a friend, a relative... there are a bunch of ways you could get where you need to be tommorow. You need to KNOCK himout of the fog... and seeing those papers infront of him will do that. He will think " holy crap, she actually went out and did this"



The rest of the questions you asked... well you shouldnt be asking us, you should be asking him.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Well duh silly I did ask him those questions.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Paramore, my wife manipulated me for months the same way. Every time I would get upset about the time she was spending with him, she would say I am just jealous and insecure. She should be able to have a friend. I'm just upset because he is a male. If it was a woman, I wouldn't have a problem with it. (That is not quite true. I would still have a problem with the amount of time spent with someone else instead of me and the kids. However, it would have been much different.) I would buy that for a while, then get angry again when I would happen to see some type of chat between them. "You just don't have a sense of humor. We're just kidding around." I bought her BS hook, line, and sinker. My gut said it was more, but I believed her BS. Several times, we had fights over this. Me saying it wasn't right and her explaining it away. 

Well, Saturday night, I watched all of her chat with him. She thought I was out at a bar. Actually, I was at McDonald's (free wifi) watching her affair. It confirmed my worst suspicions. Actually, pit of my stomach was correct in that I was only seeing the tip of the iceberg. Saturday night showed me that it was 1000 times worse than my worst nightmare had been. The only thing that prevented this from becoming a PA instead of an EA is the distance between them (Colorado vs TN). In my mind, the chat Saturday night takes it to a PA level.

I told her I want a divorce. She could sleep in the home Saturday night, but she was gone on Sunday. I would file for divorce first thing Monday morning. The only thing that will stop this is for you to end this affair immediately. You have to get online and tell him in front of me. You have to give me his phone number. (She tried telling me she had already thrown it away. Part of her chat Saturday night was getting a prepaid phone. She finally relented and gave me the number. I burned it. She may fully well have it written somewhere else, but time will tell.) I told her brother and her father.

She did all that I asked. However, she shows absolutely no remorse, so I'm still not fully convinced it's over.

Sorry to ramble so long on your thread. My point is that you are very likely to only be seeing the tip of the iceberg as well. When she was faced with divorce and me going for full custody because of her adultery, she changed her tune. At least on the surface. I wish I had been more firm long ago. 

One other painful observation, he doesn't care about you right now or he wouldn't be involved with her. OUCH! That is what I have very painfully come to realize. You've seen Eli-zor's advice on my thread. I am going to work on the 180. I have struggled some with it because it seems counter intuitive. However, as they pointed out to me, she doesn't care about me at all right now or she wouldn't have been doing what she was doing. 

I hope things work out well for you. I wish I had more advice, but I am in your same boat. Surely, the storm will end someday.

Take care of yourself and your kids. I don't know if you suffer from a complete loss of appetite like me, but someone had suggested Boost or Ensure to help with your nutritional needs.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

My God me too Hurt, the pain is unbearable. He, assuming he doesn't get called into work, is gonna go pick up the kids from school and then come and get my son, seeing outside in that van is gonna kill me, it's gonna take all the strength I have not to run out there and wrap my arms around him, I am gonna have to make a point to stay away from the window, and I believe he's off on Thursday too, so I am wondering if he'll do the same thing, the one thing I am insisting on is the time is spent at his sisters or the mall whatever, I am going to insist they are not to be around this woman. Overnights? haven't gotten to that stage his sisters house is only two miles away, would make more sense for them to spend their nights there as his work schedule varies and wouldn't be able to get to the school, the bus comes here (bus company rules) they won't go to the sister in laws house cuz they are too close to town. I never ever thought I'd be in this position.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Me, niether. We also only have one vehicle. It was a joint decision years ago because the second one just always sat in the driveway. We decided it wasn't worth the money on insurance, etc. At the time, I was working from home. Now that I have a regular job (in an office and not at home), we really need another vehicle. The finances aren't so hot, either. One income for a family of five is a little tight. Especially after years of trying to buy her affection with too big of a house, too much car, too much stuff, etc. Right now, I keep telling myself, "One day at a time."


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Im only putting this down for readers who are new to affairs...

it is always, 1000 times worse than you think. 

Hurtingintn-

You shouldnt have burned the number,you should have had her call him herself and tell him herself to leave her alone, that she chooses you. he wont stop pursuing her if she doesnt. yes, she will need to communicate that to him, not you. what are you gonna do 2000 miles away? nothing, he will still ask for nude pics or whatever... what canyou do? nothing. SHE NEEDS TO TELL HIM IN FRONT OF YOU. you will never be sure until it happens. always doubting... Im telling you... anything less and you are gonna regret it. right now she actually thinks she has options. Kill that option.


General statement - 
I wish people understood that this is a crisis situation and needs to be handled like one. no screwing around, get to the hospital now... all this " i need time" and such... would you wait to see a doctor if you had a hole in your chest?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

She did tell him in my presence on their usual means of communication. I burned the # to be dramatic. She only called him once (I've been checking the phone records). I suppose we want to believe our spouse. I'm very glad I found this site. It has been very helpful. Without proper information, who knows how this thing would end.


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

Alrighty, this is mainly for Paramore, but also applies to you, HuntingtonTN:

You may have read about my marriage ending on this site. Maybe you haven't. Either way, the similarities with all of our situations bring up an interesting truth. Affairs almost always follow the same patterns. Sure, details end up different, but for the most part, ongoing affairs follow a script.

A disloyal spouse will find ways to cover up their activity. At some point, they decided that this other person was the solution to their marital problems; and it was a solution, albeit the wrong one.

When my wife began acting suspiciously, I tried to legitimize it to myself as well, telling myself that there was no way my wife could ever do such a thing. I continued to beat *myself* up over the way in which I was making my wife look so bad in my own eyes. To me, that was the worst part about it all.

As things moved along, I made the decision to install a chat logger to find out once and for all if anything was happening. I felt terrible at the way in which I was doing this behind her back, but it only took one chat log to get what I needed. The day had finally come that I knew she was indeed very emotionally involved with the other man, I confronted her. She played the same card you’ve likely seen. She apologized for hurting me, cried, tossed and turned in her sleep, all of it. The thing that bothered me during this time was that she never seemed truly remorseful.

Despite her saying she knew she couldn’t speak to him anymore, I continued to watch closely. Sure enough, it only took a few days before the cell phone logs showed that she would pick me up from work for lunch, yet immediately after would get on the phone with him for 3 hours. She would go to her friends to help finish planning a wedding, yet after she left the house, she’d get on the phone with him for an hour, I’m sure as she drove around town before showing up at her friend’s.

I spent a lot of time just waiting for any opportunity to win her over again. The thing is, it doesn’t work like that. You did the right thing by making him pack his bags. As far as letting him come back, your goal at this point is to end the affair first. Don’t even consider joint marriage counseling until that time comes, because until the affair is over, you can’t work on your marriage.

As much as you might want to beg him to come back, don’t. I’ve been there. It’s really easy to think, “You know, if he/she would just come back, I could live with that.”

Don’t.

Don’t accept anything less than no contact with the other person. There is no such thing as just friends anymore. You know it’s gone beyond that point. It’s hard, but you can do it. Just always remember the goal is to end the affair first.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I agree completely, that's why I moved the appointment to today, he wasn't going so why wait around, I have to take care of me, right now he's not my responsibility anymore. He made that choice when he kept talking to her.

I just had a nice little cry, my son kept asking is daddy coming home? I had to tell him no, he said are you two splitting up again? I said yes, he said why? I said mommy and daddy are mad at each other, we both did some really stupid stuff to hurt each others feelings. It's both of our fault. He looks at me and said no it's daddys fault, we went back and forth over that a minute. He says I am gonna split up with daddy and not be his twin anymore, I don't wanna see daddy. I lost it, I mean I don't see how he can do this to his kids. I can't wait for the time he talks to him on the phone and he starts saying that stuff. I just don't understand how he can put this "friendship" with this woman over being a full time father. I would never ever do that, I've done stupid shameful things, but I would never put a friendship over my child. He doesn't see it that way. 
I won't accept anything but no contact.

It sucks too, because I encouraged him to read this site, read a bit and was like meh. I had told him how much it had helped me, I get he doesn't like to read, but I think it would have helped him some.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

That is a very tough one. The kids sense something is wrong. They know, you can't hide it from them no matter how hard you try. Mine are the same way. I don't know how old your kids are, but my 3 are 10 and under. At what point do you tell your kids about your spouse's affair?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I haven't told them about it, the whole thing is so effed up, we both did so wrong, I can't tell them about this and demonize him without fessing up myself, and I feel it's too adult content for them even though the oldest are 13 and 12 and youngest is pushing 6, omigod I just realized his birthday is in a week? F***$*##!!!!! This should be interesting. I guess I start planning a party, can anyone say awkward!!!! Maybe his will be removed from bum a bit by then.

Does it seem mean of me if I don't remind the husband of it? He is terrible at the kids birthdays. I mean he forgot my birthday and valentines day last year. I figure it's not my job to remind him of the kids birthdays at this point. I mean we would plan separate parties right? We aren't together right now...ok ok now I'm sounding spiteful lol. I figure I'll plan a little party and send him an invite??? What is the proper road to take.


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## land2634 (Jun 7, 2010)

HurtinginTN said:


> That is a very tough one. The kids sense something is wrong. They know, you can't hide it from them no matter how hard you try. Mine are the same way. I don't know how old your kids are, but my 3 are 10 and under. At what point do you tell your kids about your spouse's affair?


I think you have to frame it in a way each on might understand. A twelve year old will understand and be equipped to understand the truth, that mom/dad is having an affair.

I have a tough time feeling this one out as I've never had any children of my own, but maybe it's as simple as saying that mom/dad loves someone else now? Let me see if I can find a better reference point for this and get back to you two later today. I know I've seen some really good advice about this on here before, but can't remember *exactly* what it was. Stay tuned.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I told my girls pretty much the same thing, mom and dad did some really really bad stuff to each other, and we are upset with one another. I added for them that daddy was doing something that was making things worse, and I had asked him to stop, and he continued to do it, so I had to ask him to leave. I made sure they knew we were both at fault, and I expressed I don't want to get divorced that I love their dad, and that daddy is unsure, but still loves mommy. I said we are still together right now, just not living together for awhile for space.


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

paramore said:


> Got in touch with her, she said they were both just talking about problems in her relationship, she apologized for upsetting me, but isn't sorry for just TALKING to him, I hate her.


Your story could be my story. All of it!!! (except I didn't cheat)Even the part about making contact with the OW and being told the same thing you were told. Let me tell you...IT IS ALL LIES!!!!!

I did the 180 and blew EVERYTHING out of the water!!! Told the OW's husband, family, friends...told my H's family and friends, neighbors...etc. I kicked him out, changed the locks and called the police whenever he would come to MY home and wouldn't leave. I filed for divorce, got a lawyer, and had him served. I made it my mission to do the 180!!!!

I figured if it didn't work, at least I would be on my way to divorcing his a$$. 

He eventually came out of the fog when he was about to lose EVERYTHING! I had collected a lot of incriminating evidence of bad behavior, voice mail messages, sexting, text, etc. I filed for full custody of our children too.

I personally took on the OW and told her what I thought of her. I also humiliated her with information my H told me of her and her previous affair with another married man and I told her my H shared the XX photos she sent to my H. I told her I would send them to her parents and family. I told her I was prepared to share everything with everyone!!!

I was RUTHLESS!!! You have to be!!!! She RAN away fast!!!
Of course there is a lot more history too, but you get the idea!!!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

well i havent been able to find her mans number, his sister knows, I told a very good set of friends of ours, the husband is willing to speak with him, I just am not sure if it'll push them closer together. I do know her brother, just not sure if they'd just keep going to prove a point, if that makes me vindictive.


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