# How can I heal from infidelity in these circumstances?



## Kassy157 (Mar 19, 2021)

My partner had an affair whilst posted overseas. Our separation over this time was very long (18 months) due to the pandemic situation and the woman was a colleague who formed an infatuation with him. The affair was a close friendship which went on for around 6 months, followed by a physical affair that went on for about 3 months.

The positives of my situation are:

1. He has bent over backward to fix things and show remorse in every way (counselling, books and so on)
2. He has no feelings for the other woman, it was a case of loneliness and isolation
3. I don't think he would have ever cheated in any other circumstances
4. I have seen their interactions (he shared his phone and so on) and it's clear she was the instigator and he was reluctant and clear with her he loved me and things should stop 

Based on those factors, I decided initially to try and work through it.

The problem is that he can't immediately come home permanently (he did get home for a few weeks) so he is still isolated in a very close environment with the other woman. Which is bad enough for me to deal with, but it gets worse...

She is completely infatuated with him and won't leave him alone. Love letters, desperate attempts to see him, dropping off gifts, constant harassment - you name it -she is doing it. I could list the things she has done and you'd find it really shocking, but she is fixated on the idea they belong together. She's also guilt-tripped him by presenting as mentally unstable and telling him it is his fault for "leading her on"

The harassment, which is constant, has gone on for months without respite and has given him anxiety attacks and he's had some sort of mini breakdown where I am genuinely worried for his wellbeing. He's had to take time off work and get medication and now he's just about able to function. I told him to make a legal application for a restraining order but he won't do it because he thinks she is just damaged and needs help.

This leaves me in a horrible situation, with an obsessed lady chasing my partner on a daily basis in an environment where I can't be and also with a partner in a mental health crisis who can't support me. Every time she shows up at his office crying or sends a creepy love letter, I feel traumatised all over again.

I have no idea where my healing, or repairing our relationship happens in this scenario. We can't escape the situation for a few months, so he is stuck somewhere being harassed and trying to cope and I am stuck alone, wondering every day what is happening.

I know the obvious answer is for him to report her and get a restraining order in place, but she was his close friend for a long time before any "affair" happened, and he feels like she is vulnerable, in a major crisis over being dumped and that he is responsible and he says he feels too guilty to ruin her life / career with a legal process and it's best just to give her time to get over it and do his best to avoid her.

However, this has been going on for FOUR MONTHS now, and I don't think she is actually going to stop.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

So this poor helpless man is wringing his hands in despair because he doesn’t know what to do about this evil temptress that he’s “Stuck” with for months. 
Have you actually read what you wrote?
He has you exactly where he wants you. He can happily cheat on you and you will blame the affair partner and excuse your boyfriend.
You have it bad lady.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This story sounds very familiar. Did you post it under another name a couple of months ago?


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## Kassy157 (Mar 19, 2021)

No, I have never posted before


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

It sounds like he is making it up that this woman is harrassing him, like it's all her fault. I don't buy it.


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## Kassy157 (Mar 19, 2021)

He isn't making it up. I've seen it with my own eyes. She has harassed me too. Extensively. She made 40 phonecalls to me in one day. She disguised her number so I couldn't block it. The woman is mentally unstable.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Kassy157 said:


> This leaves me in a horrible situation, with an obsessed lady chasing my partner on a daily basis in an environment where I can't be and also with a partner in a mental health crisis who can't support me. Every time she shows up at his office crying or sends a creepy love letter, I feel traumatised all over again.





Kassy157 said:


> ...he feels like she is vulnerable, in a major crisis over being dumped and that he is responsible and he says he feels too guilty to ruin her life / career with a legal process


Ah, I see .... So it's okay that she's wrecking havoc with your life and his, but he doesn't want her to get upset if he takes legal measures. 

Are you buying this nonsense? Because from where I'm sitting he sounds like a spineless doormat. My guess is he's feeding you a load of crap. Sorry. His story doesn't fly with me. 

If she's harassing him to the point of mental collapse, then he needs to do something about it. Again, sorry. Sounds totally bogus to me.

ETA: Okay, so she's unstable. Then YOU take legal action against her harassment.


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## Kassy157 (Mar 19, 2021)

Thanks everybody for the responses, but I can assure you everything he says is true. I am not stupid, I have seen evidence of it all with my own eyes. I have even spoken on more than one occasion with her myself. The story as I've presented it is reality and I was hoping for advice on how I can personally begin to heal while the situation is as it stands. If anyone can offer advice on that I'd appreciate it.


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## Kassy157 (Mar 19, 2021)

I found this thread from 2009 which is very similar: Dealing with a mentally ill OW


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Kassy157 said:


> He isn't making it up. I've seen it with my own eyes. She has harassed me too. Extensively. She made 40 phonecalls to me in one day. She disguised her number so I couldn't block it. The woman is mentally unstable.


If he is telling the truth then he should have reported it months ago. It's sexual harassment and at the least they can transfer one of them. 
It seems odd to me that no one else who works with them has said anything, it must be pretty obvious to their colleagues.


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## Kassy157 (Mar 19, 2021)

Yes people have said things, everyone knows in the office. They all put it down to her being emotional and fragile. People seem to have different views when women do this stuff - if a man was doing it the perspective would be really different.

There's not much I can do about that though, I have to focus on myself.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Whether she really is unstable or not, why is it left to you to deal with it all? Both his breakdown and hers?? 

It sounds to me like the two of them are trying to make YOU unstable. Both of them are nutjobs and if you want to stay sane, stop listening to both of them. 

Why aren’t they looking after eachother and leaving you out of the crazy? 

He can’t do anything about her??? He’s so worried about her? But he’s ok with her calling you 40 times a day and can’t stop that either?

And he’s far away and had a breakdown and you’re left to deal with that too?

Do you see how absolutely crazy this is?? 

Throw your phone in the bin, go shopping, get a new wardrobe, haircut and meet up with your friends - do whatever!! Whatever to get that noise turned off and let them self-destruct happily ever after. 

Learn a new language that is so difficult that this gibberish you’re putting up with will sound difficult to hear and comprehend.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Fastest way and most efficient way to heal is to move on to someone else.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Kassy157 said:


> Yes people have said things, everyone knows in the office. They all put it down to her being emotional and fragile. People seem to have different views when women do this stuff - if a man was doing it the perspective would be really different.
> 
> There's not much I can do about that though, I have to focus on myself.


Can he not ask his boss to talk to her? Or transfer her?
I can't see how you can begin to heal or come to terms with such a deep betrayal until they are no longer working together and you and he are able to get some good marriage counselling. You should NOT be having to.deal.with either him or her, he choose to have an affair with her, let him sort it out. You look after you, think and reflect on the future, on whether you will still be able to trust him again and use this time to decide what the next steps should be.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Kassy157 said:


> Thanks everybody for the responses, but I can assure you everything he says is true. I am not stupid, I have seen evidence of it all with my own eyes. I have even spoken on more than one occasion with her myself. The story as I've presented it is reality and *I was hoping for advice on how I can personally begin to heal while the situation is as it stands.* If anyone can offer advice on that I'd appreciate it.


You can't. While he's still working with her, this cannot be healed or resolved in any way. It's that simple.

For you to even consider reconciliation and moving forward with him, he MUST find another job NOW, and never have any contact with her again. If he won't do that, then file for divorce.


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## Kassy157 (Mar 19, 2021)

He can't come home.

So I can't begin to heal

Is my only option here to end the relationship and walk away?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What are the employers doing about this situation? Don’t they have a responsibility to sort out this mess?

In order to heal, let everyone pick up the pieces. Don’t you be the crazy lady cleaning up your husbands mess. 

Let that man hit rock bottom, it’s an act of love, if you love him. Really turn away. 

At some point every child becomes capable of cleaning up their toys. Good mothers let birds leave the nest. You’re not his mum, his employer, his doctor, his nurse.


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## Kassy157 (Mar 19, 2021)

The bosses have talked to her and told her she has to cut it out, and they say she's getting counselling. To be honest, no one seems to act like it's that big a deal. Like I say, she cries and apologises and says she is having a hard time and everyone seems to feel sorry for her.

I don't want to be his nurse or anything, I just want some respite from the ongoing trauma.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Kassy157 said:


> Is my only option here to end the relationship and walk away?


Not necessarily end the relationship. Your option is to look away, block your ears and let them all go to hell while you do what you need to do to live your life away from the drama other people are involved in. Not your monkeys, not your circus.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Kassy157 said:


> He can't come home.
> 
> So I can't begin to heal
> 
> Is my only option here to end the relationship and walk away?


I think he must act to save the marriage. If he is truly repentant he will do something to stop the situation. Sorry but there are steps he can take.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Kassy157 said:


> Like I say, she cries and apologises and says she is having a hard time and everyone seems to feel sorry for her.


Is your partner aware this woman called you FORTY TIMES in one day? Has he made his employer/supervisors aware of this behavior? That's extreme and it's not worthy of sorrow or pity. It's worthy of serious concern. 

This entire situation sounds fishy to me. We're talking about a woman who is clearly emotionally unstable and all everyone is doing is saying,, "there, there," and patting her hand????

This nutty woman aside, neither you or your partner are being proactive about getting her out of your lives.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Kassy157 said:


> He can't come home.
> 
> So I can't begin to heal
> 
> Is my only option here to end the relationship and walk away?


You said in an earlier post that he made it home for a few weeks, how did he do that and why can't he do it now?

If it's truly impossible for him to get home, he must change his number, even move locations of where he's staying and not tell her. He must also insist to his boss that he not work with her again at all.


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## Kassy157 (Mar 19, 2021)

Yes, he's aware, yes, everyone acts like it's no big deal and it drives me insane. She does a very good act of being vulnerable and damaged and needing support so no one acts on it.

Tonight, for example, he went to a party and she showed up, asked him to go home with her, he said no, she had a meltdown and stormed out. When he got home, she had *broken into his house and was waiting for him*. He had to call neighbors to get her out.

The level of strain is very high. Yes, I think he is not acting firmly enough, but he's both quite weak and also a bit scared of her. I will talk to him in the morning about maybe getting compassionate leave to come home.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

YOU call his boss and report this woman. That should tell you something with what the reaction is and what they do about her.

He needs to report her and get a restraining order.
Also, HE SHOULD QUIT his job. If his bosses won't do anything, he should quit, sue the company for making it a hostile work environment since they didn't do anything about her AND get home to you NOW.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Kassy157 you need to seek the advice of a solicitor to find out how you can be protected against this woman.

Get your solicitor to send a solicitor's letter to the employer of them both.

Are they military by any chance?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Really, please don’t call or do anything on his behalf. You say they’re driving you insane. Don’t call his work, don’t engage with her, really don’t. Because he sounds like he’s choosing her every time and she is playing crazy, so let her. 

Every single thing you say or do makes YOU the crazy wife. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Because tomorrow if she wins, and she seems darn determined to win him and he seems unable to fix his own mess - there’s a trail of evidence that leads back to... you! The bosses are patting her shoulder and saying ‘there there’??? 

Because you’ve played the part of the wife making phone calls and jumping up and down calling the husband’s work. You see how this goes? On paper, they get to say you’re the one doing the harassment and that you’re the unstable one. Win win for her. Don’t do it!! Let the drama play out because we all know who the crazies are. Absolutely don’t call his work. They’ll have a legal situation on their hands eventually when these two explode and one of them loses their job. 

Don’t engage at all. And you take some responsibility too; if someone is calling you 40 times it’s really very simple. YOU change your number, or block her. Block her emails, do everything possible not to respond or engage and then take responsibility to go and see the police and get a restraining order.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

While I certainly have some sympathy for women when men aggressively stalk, as in many cases these women wind up being raped, killed or some other crazy stuff, I rarely do when the tables are turned...Call it a double standard, but this aint the movies...Most men can stop this in a second...I've done it myself...

OP, you gotta ask yourself why this man isn't making this go away....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Kassy157 said:


> Yes, he's aware, yes, everyone acts like it's no big deal and it drives me insane. She does a very good act of being vulnerable and damaged and needing support so no one acts on it.
> 
> Tonight, for example, he went to a party and she showed up, asked him to go home with her, he said no, she had a meltdown and stormed out. When he got home, she had *broken into his house and was waiting for him*. He had to call neighbors to get her out.
> 
> The level of strain is very high. Yes, I think he is not acting firmly enough, but he's both quite weak and also a bit scared of her. I will talk to him in the morning about maybe getting compassionate leave to come home.


Then he should have called the police, sorry. His work should act and it's very odd that their bosses haven't done anything already. In any other work situation they would have done. She sounds ill to be honest, although him having an affair with her won't have helped of course. This is not normal behavior. Tell him that if he doesn't act then you will.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Yes he should have called the police. But he didn’t. He’s trying real hard to get away from her isn’t he? Not really. 

His actions are speaking louder than the story he’s telling you about her being crazy. 

I grew up in a culture where this was rampant, I’ll never believe it when the husband calls the other woman crazy. The poor wives are literally driven insane. 

I see a man doing absolutely nothing to stop the ‘crazy’. He’s going to make you crazy and he’ll tell you anything to make you believe it’s all her fault while he gets to have the ride of his life. 

Be smart.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

You mentioned in an early post that you need to think about yourself and I really do think this should be your number one priority at the moment.

This woman has called you over 40 times. She is involving you in the process and she obviously thinks of you as the enemy. She had shown herself capable of extreme acts (breaking into his house!) and I would suggest she poses to a real threat to YOU.

Your husband seems incapable or unwilling to deal with the problem and, as a result, is not protecting you. What kind of a man exposes his wife to that sort of danger?

I agree with an earlier poster that you should not act for him but you can act for yourself. The woman’s mental health makes this very difficult to deal with. Personally, I would seek expert professional advice on how to proceed. Is your husband in The Forces? If so, do they have a formal support network that can give you advice? If not, I would seek outside legal advice from a firm specialising in stalking etc.

This now leads to the second issue of your partner. I have been in a similar position where I was sexually harassed by my female boss. In truth, women will always have the upper hand in these types of situation. I felt I couldn’t complain at work because people would laugh at me (you should be so lucky, fancy yourself etc), people would not believe me or there was a real risk that she could switch it round to me doing the pursuing and I would be the one facing the accusations. Let’s guess how that would have gone.

It was very upsetting and totally unwanted. I did nothing to encourage it and the last thing on earth I would do was get involved with this woman.

In your partner’s case, he did get involved but she has crossed enough lines for him to take significant action. Is he afraid of potential consequences on himself in terms of his current or future employment? I sympathise with him and understand what he is going through but I am afraid he needs to make decisions and take action that, primarily, look after your interests and keep you safe. Why should you have put up with this craziness? Do you want to stay with a person who does not put your interests as his first priority, particularly as he has cheated with her in the first place? 

I was lucky, I could transfer to a different location two counties away from my old boss and I had a very supportive wife. You are being incredibly supportive but it is time for him to man up and for you to take your own action.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Kassy157 said:


> Yes, he's aware, yes, everyone acts like it's no big deal and it drives me insane. She does a very good act of being vulnerable and damaged and needing support so no one acts on it.
> 
> Tonight, for example, he went to a party and she showed up, asked him to go home with her, he said no, she had a meltdown and stormed out. When he got home, she had *broken into his house and was waiting for him*. He had to call neighbors to get her out.
> 
> The level of strain is very high. Yes, I think he is not acting firmly enough, but he's both quite weak and also a bit scared of her. I will talk to him in the morning about maybe getting compassionate leave to come home.


I think your are asking if it’s possible to heal from this while this person is still very much in your lives. And I think the true answer to that is no. Most of us have to figure out how to heal from what our spouse did... but to reconcile while the OW is up in your lives daily??? I don’t see it as a possibility.

You aren’t going to get respite from the trauma until the trauma is out of your life, and even then, you’ll still have the memories and the issues with the affair itself. He has to take a different job and end all contact with her 100% for this to have a snowballs chance... I don’t see any other way around it.


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## Kassy157 (Mar 19, 2021)

Firstly thanks for those who've confirmed I can't heal while this is up in my face. I accept things I can't control, but I have felt like I can't get myself healthy with this ongoing and getting at least validation on that is helpful. Maybe people think I am a fool but if it were your loved one in the same position you'd probably understand better.

They are _kind of_ forces, it's a military situation but both happen to technically be civilian. Yes that makes the situation complicated. Yes he has already called the police more than once and they're aware of the situation.

I know I am being dragged into the crazy, but it's quite hard not to be. A lot of the time I am worried about him, not just physically but mentally.

I agree she poses a danger to me. She was persistently harassing me (and I did block but she uses VPN), we told her we broke up a few weeks ago, because he / we felt this made me no longer a "threat" and it seemed the best way to get her to leave me alone. It worked and she stopped contacting me now. 

Last night after the neighbors took her out of his house, he went to bed and to sleep. She came back. I don't know the full details yet as I was asleep, but I know it was a serious incident and that her superiors are involved now. 

There are so many elements involved here in why he has struggled to act - embarrassment, guilt, manipulation (she always apologises and cries and says it won't happen again) and also actual fear of repercussions. She has already threatened him with some quite worrying things. It's easy to say / judge, but life isn't always binary like that.

I know he's desperate to get out of the situation, but he is frozen hoping it will go away if he just keeps telling her no. Anyway, I am very tired, I feel last night was a big drama and maybe it will cause more serious action to be taken. In the meantime I am going to try and look after my wellbeing as much as I can.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m not judging you at all, just very angry for you, I can’t imagine how I would feel, it is very easy to comment from a distance. I hope you can get some rest in the next few days and feel better all.


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## Kassy157 (Mar 19, 2021)

Thank you. It turned out what happened last night is that she messaged him threatening her life and so on, so he got up to go and try and resolve it. He was unable to, so he called in the medical team to take over and so they are aware what was happening.

I spoke to a counsellor who told me it was really a safeguarding issue and that I should contact his work myself. So I did that today and explained how concerned I am and asked for them to step on. 

Thanks for the empathy, this really is a terrible situation for me, but I agree it's one where I am getting dragged into a crazy situation where he isn't taking strong enough action. I will just try and sleep today and clear my head because I am overwhelmed.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

The thing is that everyone where she works who is ***** footing around her are actually doing her no good at all. She is obviously very ill, sounds as though she should probably be sectioned and then given the medical help she needs.

One of my very close relations suffered from bad mental health and was sectioned. There was plenty of guilt associated with this but it was the right thing to do.

I do feel sorry for both you and your husband. Perhaps matters may improve now


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Kassy157 said:


> Thank you. It turned out what happened last night is that she messaged him threatening her life and so on, so he got up to go and try and resolve it. He was unable to, so he called in the medical team to take over and so they are aware what was happening.
> 
> I spoke to a counsellor who told me it was really a safeguarding issue and that I should contact his work myself. So I did that today and explained how concerned I am and asked for them to step on.
> 
> Thanks for the empathy, this really is a terrible situation for me, but I agree it's one where I am getting dragged into a crazy situation where he isn't taking strong enough action. I will just try and sleep today and clear my head because I am overwhelmed.


Adultery always had bad consequrnces, the way he acted with her probably led her to believe that he loved her and wanted to be with her. Having sex makes a strong emotional tie for many women to the man they slept with and if she is already unstable this may have tipped her over the edge. To be honest, telling her that you have broken up may not help as she may think she has more chance with him now.
I feel for you and you alone, he should not be burdening you with this when you have his lies, betrayal, deception and adultery to contend with. He started this off and he needs to deal with it alone and give you some space. Is there any reason why he cant ask for a transfer or give his notice in and look for another job? Seems to me that with his cheating he needs to look for work that doesnt take him away from home.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you married — or maybe the woman doesn’t care if you are or not?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Kassy157 said:


> He can't come home.
> 
> So I can't begin to heal
> 
> Is my only option here to end the relationship and walk away?


It seems....

That is the option you feel most comfortable with.

How far will you bend over?


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## Kassy157 (Mar 19, 2021)

I am not defending him here, but he handed over his phone to me and I can see he really did just intend to be friends with her, and she pursued him really a lot. He did sleep with her, but I have seen messages during the affair of her demanding to know why he couldn't be with her and him saying he loved me and just wanted to go back to being friends with her. He is weak, and he did wrong, but the idea of this being a love story is a complete fantasy she has conjured up. It happened for the sole reason he was marooned with her on a base over extended quarantine and he had too much to drink and bad choices. There was no love affair. Ever.

*Harold Demure*, thanks for the support with this one. I agree he is being pretty spineless, but the dynamic of it are pretty confusing for him.
1. He literally cannot get away
2. She has convinced him her craziness if his fault
3. She threatens her life
4. He is actually scared of her
5. He is ashamed 
6. She has outright threatening him with ruin through false allegations

He feels trapped and powerless and he sees the only route as "managing her". He has really bad boundaries with her, which is his problem here, but I genuinely do not think he is enjoying it in any way. It is making him physically sick. She is a bully, a manipulator a a skilled abuser and he is not equipped to deal with her at all. 

What I will say is that I spoke to the woman myself a few times, and she even had me feeling _empathy_ for her. She is a very skilled manipulator and plays the helpless victim very well. She has everyone there fooled, although a few have said that they see her as unstable and that she needs to be sent home. The doctor agrees she needs mental help and he's encouraged her to go home, but it's not escalated beyond that.

I reached a point today where I see I can have _*empathy*_ for him but for my own health I can't continue this way. So I told him if he can't hold boundaries with her to keep her out of our lives, I won't be a part of his life anymore and I have left it at that. Maybe I can now heal, alone, from the betrayal and pain without every part of my life being about this psycho who has him running scared.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Kassy157 said:


> He isn't making it up. I've seen it with my own eyes. She has harassed me too. Extensively. She made 40 phonecalls to me in one day. She disguised her number so I couldn't block it. The woman is mentally unstable.


If she's that unstable, then it should be easy for your H to resist temptation then, right? Or...why isn't she fired?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Was this some kind of dream opportunity he took and he has like 2 more years to go on contract?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Kassy157 said:


> I am not defending him here, but he handed over his phone to me and I can see he really did just intend to be friends with her, and she pursued him really a lot. He did sleep with her, but I have seen messages during the affair of her demanding to know why he couldn't be with her and him saying he loved me and just wanted to go back to being friends with her. He is weak, and he did wrong, but the idea of this being a love story is a complete fantasy she has conjured up. It happened for the sole reason he was marooned with her on a base over extended quarantine and he had too much to drink and bad choices. There was no love affair. Ever.
> 
> *Harold Demure*, thanks for the support with this one. I agree he is being pretty spineless, but the dynamic of it are pretty confusing for him.
> 1. He literally cannot get away
> ...


I understand that’s she is absolutely mentally unstable, but you have enough to deal with enough regarding the betrayal and those feelings, having this Fatal Attraction crap going on at the same time is just over to top. You do NOT need to be involved with it and I think you are doing the right thing here, letting it all go.

Regardless if she pursued him or not, she got her way with him and now she isn’t going to let him go. He has himself a psycho stalker that he is handling with kid gloves because he feels guilt toward her too. And some sense of duty and obligation to help her... he cannot try to create a healing situation with you while he doing any of that with her. Also... you don’t need to be looking behind your back for life wondering if she’s going to do something to you to get her “chance”. The least messy way out of this and the best chance you have to heal is to let him go. There is just way too much working against you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Kassy157 said:


> Yes, he's aware, yes, everyone acts like it's no big deal and it drives me insane. She does a very good act of being vulnerable and damaged and needing support so no one acts on it.
> 
> Tonight, for example, he went to a party and she showed up, asked him to go home with her, he said no, she had a meltdown and stormed out. When he got home, she had *broken into his house and was waiting for him*. He had to call neighbors to get her out.
> 
> The level of strain is very high. Yes, I think he is not acting firmly enough, but he's both quite weak and also a bit scared of her. I will talk to him in the morning about maybe getting compassionate leave to come home.


His weakness has been coming through your posts loud and clear.

He obviously isn't strong enough to be a good husband because he isn't capable of prioritizing his marriage to you over his relationship with his AP.

My advice would be to divorce because it actually takes a little integrity and strength to be an adult and even more to be married.

Your husband has shown neither the integrity or strength to be married to you and certainly lacks the conviction to be committed to you above others.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I get the impression that they are not married.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> I get the impression that they are not married.


That would make it so much easier.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

In the OP she mentioned that the circumstances of being away were part of his cheating. I would like to clarify that. The "circumstance" he had was opportunity. Had nothing to do with distance, the first chance he had to cheat and easily get away with it, he took it. As far as healing, find a good counselor, start now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> I get the impression that they are not married.


If you are not married then it's hard to understand why you would want to stay with a man who has bought all this mess crashing down on you. He started it by having an affair. He is just as responsible.If he knew she was vulnerable then he should have kept his distance.


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## Kassy157 (Mar 19, 2021)

I seem to have reached a bit of resolution with this today, I spoke with the GP which as his next of kin they were happy to do. He was keen to speak to me and was as concerned as I am with the situation and said they are going to sort getting him home for his wellbeing.

I agree wholeheartedly he has been weak, but it's been incredibly hurtful and difficult for me. I can't even begin to process all my feelings (which is the point) but right now I am just overshadowed with worrying about safety and things like that. No matter what he did I don't want him to be hurt.

Anyway, thanks all for the feedback, hopefully there will now be some resolution to this mad situation!


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Well done today, you have every right to protect yourself. I think you are right about taking time about your long term future but in the interim you may wish to plan how you are going to deal with him potentially coming home. What do you want to say, what do you expect from him, do you want him living back with you on his return to the uk etc? I don’t think you will, but please don’t allow yourself to be rushed into making decisions.


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## Kassy157 (Mar 19, 2021)

Thank you Harold. How I feel right now is complex. I love him, care about him and want him into a place of safety so he can sort himself out. 

On the other hand, I am not in love with him anymore. I think his weakness over the last few months, and the way he essentially allowed this woman to bully him into neglecting my needs and our needs as a couple really made me feel differently about him.

Yes, she is a nightmare, but as other posters have said a stronger man would have held his relationship above all and not allowed her to continue. He did have options, but he seemed, repeatedly, to let her threats allow him to trample my boundaries.

When I found out about the affair I had a lot of boundaries and rules that I asked to be respected in order for me to reconcile with him. Of course, those didn't take into account a mental ill AP, but at the same time I know in his shoes:

a) I would not have cheated in the first place
b) I would have handled it better when the AP behaved in these ways

I feel a bit like I love this man, but don't see him anymore as the person I want to share my life with because he's proved that when the chips are down he will more or less cover his own backside even if it means hurting me


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## TheGoodFather (Feb 12, 2021)

Meh, the only way a woman can force a man to have sex with her is to drug him then rape him. He did it voluntarily and he will keep doing it. He played his cards well. He was able to get your sympathy and put the blame on the "crazy woman." Old trick but effective nonetheless. The ball is in your hands now. Decide what you want to do with it. Choose something that makes you happy and gives you peace of mind, and stick with it. If your partner value your relationship, then he would do some actions, even to the vicinity of the extremes, just to prove that he is worthy of your love and respect and to show that he values you and your relationship. Changing job or work site would be a good step. If he won't, then your relationship is PITA because there will always be "crazy women" out there he can't resist.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Hoping you can find some strength and find your confidence. Care and compassion towards an ill husband is admirable, but not in a situation like this. If he’s not actually taking his meds, making his own way to the gp or psychologist or whatever, it’s just another thing he’s passing onto you. 

People who are really distressed mentally and want to get better don’t sit back and let their family push them to get help, they actually raise their hand up, get themselves help and then ask the spouse for whatever it is they need. 

It’s like rehab, the addict can be the only one to finally put themselves in there. All the destruction and family intervention does absolutely nothing and they get their fix as soon as they’ve done the time the family wanted them to do. 

Really look away, it’s the most loving thing you can do


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As it seems you may not be married and don't seem to have children, it's not as hard to end it as it would be in the future. 
Civilian jobs that entail being away for many months on end aren't a good idea either, I am sure he could get something where that didn't happen. Maybe he will learn from all this for his future life.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You and Colette2 seem to have a lot in common. Perhaps responses on her thread will help you.









I need to decide whether to walk away or try for...


Hello, My boyfriend and I started dating around summer 2018. The first six months were fun, and it was obviously a naturally great connection, but after 4 or 5 months it became difficult because he had "commitment" issues. He wasn't running around or anything and he was loving, consistent and...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

This one is tough. His only options would be to find new employment, get moved elsewhere or take it up with HR.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Kassy157 said:


> Like I say, she cries and apologises and says she is having a hard time and everyone seems to feel sorry for her.


ugh! what a turn-off. Extremely manipulative. Your boyfriend/husband will have to be very careful here. She strikes me as the type to turn it around on him just to make herself look innocent. He better start documenting the abuse. So should you, if she harasses you. This is obviously if you CHOOSE to stay.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Wait a second... is it possible she was there first and you’re the other woman?? 

I don’t know how long you’ve been together, I know of a similar story where the man was long distance and played out a similar scenario. Partner had no idea she was actually the mistress. 

Something in your post stood out about work not really doing anything about it, and I’ve never heard of this sort of intensity from an AP where they also worked together but the company did nothing about it. Companies don’t really allow this sort of thing it’s a legal minefield. 

How long have you been together and did this start as a long distance relationship?? 

She may be going nuts because she had him first? 

Or am I crazy and reading into this the wrong way?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

This is 4D thinking and potentially true.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> You and Colette2 seem to have a lot in common. Perhaps responses on her thread will help you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Wow. OP are you sure you didn't already post your story here?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> You and Colette2 seem to have a lot in common. Perhaps responses on her thread will help you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks, Blondilocks. That’s the thread I was thinking of but didn’t find.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

All companies these days have some kind of a Code for professional conduct/Safe environment and Committees to ensure they r running in accordance. You partner should write a mail each day to her detailing her offences and requesting her to stop this behaviour clearly stating that he is not interested. Once he has a few of these snd her responses, he should take them to the committee and request action.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kassy157 said:


> My partner had an affair whilst posted overseas. Our separation over this time was very long (18 months) due to the pandemic situation and the woman was a colleague who formed an infatuation with him. The affair was a close friendship which went on for around 6 months, followed by a physical affair that went on for about 3 months.
> 
> The positives of my situation are:
> 
> ...


it is simple, he is putting her before you, your marriage and YOUR trauma. Tell him to cut the ******** and pull the trigger, if not there will be no partner to come home to.
You need to see this in the cold light of day. He has to make a choice. He chose to **** where he eats, now he has to clean up the mess, this should not be your problem. In fact he should be the one not dragging you into this with his excuses of loneliness, etc. I am sure you were lonely but you did not hook up with anyone. Please see this for what it is.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kassy157 said:


> I am not defending him here, but he handed over his phone to me and I can see he really did just intend to be friends with her, and she pursued him really a lot. He did sleep with her, but I have seen messages during the affair of her demanding to know why he couldn't be with her and him saying he loved me and just wanted to go back to being friends with her. He is weak, and he did wrong, but the idea of this being a love story is a complete fantasy she has conjured up. It happened for the sole reason he was marooned with her on a base over extended quarantine and he had too much to drink and bad choices. There was no love affair. Ever.
> 
> *Harold Demure*, thanks for the support with this one. I agree he is being pretty spineless, but the dynamic of it are pretty confusing for him.
> 1. He literally cannot get away
> ...


He is your husband, so of course you have empathy for him but tbh, he created his own bed and needs to keep you out of all of this. Betraying you by sleeping with another woman is bad enough but then to allow his wife to be harassed by her doesn't auger well for your marriage. You are acting more like his mother than an betrayed wife. He must lay down strong boundaries and involve HR and the police as well. Enough ***** footing around 'managing' her. What on earth did he think would happen, I am sure she has a reputation in his office and how do you know he didn't lay it on for her. You are believing the word of a cheater and a liar. You need to back off and ignore him and her for some time and take time away from the situation, cut contact with him and let him sort this out. Take time out to actually look at the facts, he cheated on you and caused all of this problem and doesn't have the temerity or enough love for you to actually protect you. Please let that sink in.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kassy157 said:


> s his next of kin they





Kassy157 said:


> Thank you Harold. How I feel right now is complex. I love him, care about him and want him into a place of safety so he can sort himself out.
> 
> On the other hand, I am not in love with him anymore. I think his weakness over the last few months, and the way he essentially allowed this woman to bully him into neglecting my needs and our needs as a couple really made me feel differently about him.
> 
> ...


Glad you are beginning to see the wood from the trees. Of course you still have feelings for him but he did not protect you and you have every right to be bloody angry and throw him to the wolf, let her have him. I am not surprised you are no longer in love with him and as time goes by, it is likely you will not want to be with him. Sorry this is happening to you. Betrayal of any kind is painful and he has betrayed you on so many levels.


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