# Should you support an addict spouse?



## Jamieboy

Ok, my question is, should you, and for how long? Does the addiction type matter ie drugs, porn etc.

How many chances should you give after relapse? Do you believe they want to get better? How do you make that call if they do want to recover or just keep the train rolling.

I know that all addicts lie, so what is the starting point? All perspectives welcome


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## Beach123

Best to step away and let the person deal with what is necessary to attempt recovery.
It’s hard. It’s also hard for the people close to them.
If the one recovering can focus on getting well - it may be best not to have the distractions of being under the microscope.
If nothing else - do not give this person money. Do not allow them to live with you for free.

Who is trying to recover? A person you’re dating or a family member?


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## QuietRiot

Jamieboy said:


> Ok, my question is, should you, and for how long? Does the addiction type matter ie drugs, porn etc.
> 
> How many chances should you give after relapse? Do you believe they want to get better? How do you make that call if they do want to recover or just keep the train rolling.
> 
> I know that all addicts lie, so what is the starting point? All perspectives welcome


You can’t control another persons addiction, so I guess I wonder why you’d consider supporting their addiction.


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## Jamieboy

I think I need to clarify my question, should you support them in their recovery, maybe that means financial, but more, should you stand by them while it has an impact on your life, through addiction driven poor choices etc


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## In Absentia

Jamieboy said:


> I think I need to clarify my question, should you support them in their recovery, maybe that means financial, but more, should you stand by them while it has an impact on your life, through addiction driven poor choices etc


If they choose recovery and stick with it, yes. How many times? Difficult question. I guess it depends how disruptive the addiction is and the impact on your life.


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## QuietRiot

Jamieboy said:


> I think I need to clarify my question, should you support them in their recovery, maybe that means financial, but more, should you stand by them while it has an impact on your life, through addiction driven poor choices etc


Addiction sucks. And the reality is it’s never once,
There always seem to be multiple stints in rehab which is so expensive. Are they wanting the recovery themselves or is it one of those intervention go get help or else type things?


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## Jamieboy

This isn't one of those asking for a friend posts, I'm interested based on a lot of posts sighting addiction as the deal breaker, porn, alcohol and drugs being the big three. 

I suspect that many faced with this in a relationship want to help and support their partner through the illness, however I want to know, which relapse is the final straw almost. Though I know every case is different, I wonder if there are some common themes.


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## MJJEAN

The common themes tend to be people repeatedly setting themselves, and sometimes their kids, on fire to keep an addict warm until the addict dies, is in prison, or they decide they've had enough. When that happens is different for everyone.

I've known too many addicts in my life. Loved some of them dearly. Would NEVER have dated or married any of them. Too much drama, too much ********, too much liability.


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## ElwoodPDowd

Jamieboy said:


> This isn't one of those asking for a friend posts, I'm interested based on a lot of posts sighting addiction as the deal breaker, porn, alcohol and drugs being the big three.


I would class 'Social media' as the top current addiction for women.
My wife is so addicted I have to physically remove the phone from her hand at night.


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## D0nnivain

Each situation is different but I recommend you join a support group like Al-anon or Narc-Anon. I don't know the one for gambling or porn but these groups focus on the addicts' loved ones & teach you how to cope &/or give you the strength & resources to walk away.


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## ReadyandNot

Jamieboy said:


> Ok, my question is, should you, and for how long? Does the addiction type matter ie drugs, porn etc.
> 
> How many chances should you give after relapse? Do you believe they want to get better? How do you make that call if they do want to recover or just keep the train rolling.
> 
> I know that all addicts lie, so what is the starting point? All perspectives welcome


Imo and from experience. They will never change unless it comes 100% from them. If they are serious then yes they need your support. They need a friend who's not addicted. You'll know soon if they're not serious. They'll skip out on rehab, they'll lie about using while having treatment etc. A good question is, what is their motive, as in do they have a reason to string you along. If not then it's possible they might be really trying. Or they are also lying to themselves.

I think you should do what feels right. Every person and every situation is different.


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## Luckylucky

Best way to support an addict is to support yourself first.


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## Beach123

If they aren’t helping themselves by doing the hard work and moving forward - there’s no way to be supportive.
You really can’t help them - they have to do it themselves.
It’s not useful to financially support them! This is the real world - they can go to the salvation army if needed. They let people stay for an entendres time - they do put them to work, it covers their stay while they are there - that’s the real world and they want them understanding what it takes to live a real life while staying sober.


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## BNA2020

I am married to one, 43 years last week. He has always drank, never to the point he is now. He is retired, I know he has some depression issues,, doesn't seem to want to help himself with that issue. He has been hiding and lying about his drinking, used to be beers, lately he has kicked it with Vodka, sometimes mixed sometime straight. He has actually driven drunk 3 times in the last 4 months, enough I know to be charged with a DUI. I was not at home when this happened. I find empties all over the house, hidden, he has filled empty vodka bottles with water, lied about it and this was not something he has really done in the past, he has always been a decent guy, had a nice position and is well respected even to this day from his past working group, he still consults and of course people think he is great! I have given many chances, caved in and gave it one more try. I have come to the end of this and my life needs a change, some peace. 
I wish anyone luck going through this horrendous thing. I have spoken to an attorney (consultation) and I am to the breaking point of it. take care all.


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## DownByTheRiver

Jamieboy said:


> Ok, my question is, should you, and for how long? Does the addiction type matter ie drugs, porn etc.
> 
> How many chances should you give after relapse? Do you believe they want to get better? How do you make that call if they do want to recover or just keep the train rolling.
> 
> I know that all addicts lie, so what is the starting point? All perspectives welcome


It kind of depends on some things. Like were they addicts when you first met? If so and they kick it down the road, they likely will have to stay away from you anyway because you'll be considered "old friends who trigger." 

It depends on what it is. If it's heroin, do yourself a favor and clear out and don't come back. Their recovery rate is very, very low, even with the most expensive, best rehab facility long-term. This also includes a lot of prescription-type pain pills, which are also opiates, which is more common. 

Meth is also something I'd walk away from. 

Alcohol, I'd only stay if they were going to AA voluntarily and regularly, and they may have to go for life. 

Gambling big money, I'd clear out and immediately sever my money and assets from him.

Pot, if it's something done every day, I wouldn't stick around for that. It's a psychological addiction, but like many addictions, when it's used chronically, it is often because they are anesthetizing past psychological pain and if they don't deal with that, they'll just keep it up and it will be the priority. 

Addictions become their Number 1 priority, no matter what the addiction is, and to me, that's reason enough to sever ties if they aren't willing and able to deal with it themselves to stop it.


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## LisaDiane

Jamieboy said:


> Ok, my question is, should you, and for how long? Does the addiction type matter ie drugs, porn etc.
> 
> How many chances should you give after relapse? Do you believe they want to get better? How do you make that call if they do want to recover or just keep the train rolling.
> 
> I know that all addicts lie, so what is the starting point? All perspectives welcome


The answer to this is as personal for each individual and couple as relationships are, but generally, addicts engage in a level of self-centered behavior that makes having any semblance of a real relationship with them impossible. So when an addict is "using" (and even sometimes when they are not), YOU might think you are relating, but they are NOT...they are manipulating you and using your love and trust to get MORE of what they want.

Also, addicts LIE constantly, and with absolutely no hesitation at all. It's confusing and exhausting. NOTHING is real or open or can be trusted, and you must constantly assess what they are saying with that in mind. It will make you feel crazy and can be a weight on the relationship that is simply unsustainable.

The "substance" that someone is addicted to really doesn't matter. It's HOW addicted people behave that is toxic to relationships. Anything that causes a person to lie, manipulate, and disregard everyone else in their lives is going to damage and eventually destroy whatever connection you hope to have with them.

And the longer you try to make things work with an active addict, the more it will also damage and change YOU.


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## Jamieboy

Thanks for the responses guys, I think it’s always going to be difficult to judge individual circumstances. Why anyone would choose to date an existing addict is beyond me, but I guess it must happen.


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## Beach123

Dating a recovered addict is fine - after they prove they have done work to be capable of not doing drugs. That comes with proving they are a contributing member of society - holding a job and helping others.


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## TJW

Beach123 said:


> If nothing else - do not give this person money. Do not allow them to live with you for free.


There's only one problem, if you are married to the addict, the judicial system will have them living upon you for free, anyway. In a divorce, the addict will own half your assets and 40% of your income. You will have far more control about how your money is spent if you remain married and not separated. Just don't give the addict money.



Beach123 said:


> Dating a recovered addict is fine - after they prove they have done work to be capable of not doing drugs.


How do you know "recovered" ?? ..... you may know absolutely nothing about the addiction. However, you will.....when it's too late....



Jamieboy said:


> all addicts lie


Exactly. And, the addict lies mainly to him/herself, telling himself he/she is "not addicted".

I'm here to tell you, I knew NOTHING about her addiction. Until the day we left on our honeymoon. Knew nothing about her "better living through chemistry" mantra....
We flew to the Bahamas. I didn't know she had been to the doctor and gotten some "I'm afraid to fly" tranquilizers. He gave her 3. She took all 3. She was asleep in the terminal gate before boarding. She admitted taking the tranquilizers. I called her doctor, asked if I should take her to a hospital. He said just let her sleep it off. I said to myself on the third day of our marriage "...my God....I've married a drug addict....". I woke her up, she walked onto the airplane, sat down, and went back to sleep. 

We stopped at the bar in our hotel. I had a beer, she had one of the island specialties. Leaving the bar, she missed a step-down in the hallway, hit her knee. I rented a wheelchair and pushed her around Freeport for two days, the swelling was relentless. I enlisted the help of airline personnel to help me carry her up a roll-around stairway to the rear aircraft door and brought her home.

And thus began the 18-year saga ..... I was able to get her to the hospital..... through narcan injections, charcoal, one arrest for kicking a police officer who was trying to restrain her for medical treatment.....5 hospitalizations for OD, a dozen other times in which there was another "diagnosis" but the same underlying problem, and, the final, when I walked into our bedroom and found foam around her mouth, no pulse, no respiration.

This is where you're going, unless the addict's path has a radical change. You cannot cause, nor can you help, the addict to change. The addict him/herself has to want to do this and be prepared for a hard road.



Jamieboy said:


> How do you make that call if they do want to recover or just keep the train rolling.


That "call" is actually quite easy. People ALWAYS take the path of least resistance. ALWAYS. An addict does not WANT to take the hard road of recovery, and will not take that road, if there is another road. The drug is EVERYTHING to the addict. The addict is completely self-centered. A married addict has the knowledge that he/she can FORCE, through the legal system if necessary, his/her spouse to continue his/her life in the addiction.


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## christine29

You cannot control another person's addiction, but you can always try to make them aware of many aspects of it. Relapsing can occur when a person transitions from alcohol or drug addiction to another addictive behavior. They may be sober and drug-free, but now they're gambling, eating, or working excessively. Relapse does not always imply the resumption of alcohol or drug abuse. Reaching out for assistance and being there for them emotionally can help them get back on track.


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## *Deidre*

I think there’s a difference between enabling and being supportive. Staying in a marriage where your spouse shows no interest in getting help for their addiction would be enabling. But, if the spouse shows remorse and is taking an active role in changing their life, I could see being supportive. It would also depend on the addiction.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Jamieboy said:


> This isn't one of those asking for a friend posts, I'm interested based on a lot of posts sighting addiction as the deal breaker, porn, alcohol and drugs being the big three.
> 
> I suspect that many faced with this in a relationship want to help and support their partner through the illness, however I want to know, which relapse is the final straw almost. Though I know every case is different, I wonder if there are some common themes.


True, real addiction to these things, or any use at all? Are you against any use at all of these things?


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## Diana7

Marrying a person with an addiction is a massive risk but people still do it. If the addiction starts later then that's different. 
I couldn't marry a guy who was an alcoholic, was on drugs, used porn, smoked or was addicted to gaming. 

If something started later and if they did nothing about it, then no I wouldnt support them. If they were determined to stop and was doing all the right things then yes I would support them.


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## Mrs.McCoy

Supporting them can also handicap them from wanting to get the help needed. Again each case is different. If they are willing to stop just know that this isn’t a overnight process it’s actually depending on how many years of the addiction it can be years even with help. I’m only speaking from experience.


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## TJW

The problem is, the addict knows he/she can force you, through the court system, to support him/her. An addict will only change when ithe changes is absolutely necessary for his/her survival. The court system makes the non-addicted spouse a forced enabler. The laws really need to be changed, such that the non-addicted spouse can throw the addict out into the street and refuse even 25 cents worth of help.


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## ABiolarWife

Jamieboy said:


> This isn't one of those asking for a friend posts, I'm interested based on a lot of posts sighting addiction as the deal breaker, porn, alcohol and drugs being the big three.
> 
> I suspect that many faced with this in a relationship want to help and support their partner through the illness, however I want to know, which relapse is the final straw almost. Though I know every case is different, I wonder if there are some common themes.


Relapse happen. What I would suggest is be keenly observant in how they are doing the work of recovery. If they are in therapy for addiction, working a program like AA/NA/Smart Recovery and actively battling their addiction? I say support them.

If they are just going through the motions and relapsing often? I would begin to question how long I would tolerate it.

Hope this helps.


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## Evinrude58

Jamieboy said:


> I think I need to clarify my question, should you support them in their recovery, maybe that means financial, but more, should you stand by them while it has an impact on your life, through addiction driven poor choices etc


What’s the addiction?


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## Jamieboy

Evinrude58 said:


> What’s the addiction?


Does it make a difference? If it were dependance/chemical ie drugs, or mental, ie alcohol, sex etc


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Jamieboy said:


> Does it make a difference? If it were dependance/chemical ie drugs, or mental, ie alcohol, sex etc


It makes a difference.


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