# Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed



## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

My husband and I have been separated for about eight weeks, and he's stated that he wants a divorce.

For background purposes, I met my husband in 2008 and we got married in 2011, after recovering from a four month long breakup in 2010. In 2012 we had our first child, and ended up having a total of three kids in four years. This was really rough on me and I gained about 100lbs through all three pregnancies--I've lost weight since, but still need to lose about 50lbs to get to pre-pregnancy weight. My husband has been a stay-home dad since late 2013. I make most of the money. He gets a small VA disability check, but we also have an investment that makes for some good passive income. 

This past summer, I could tell something was really bothering my husband. He was very withdrawn, not affectionate, spent lots of time outside or just away from the house...I knew something was wrong and finally confronted him in the beginning of September. He has combat related PTSD, so my general assumption was that whatever was bothering him had to do with that. After refusing to talk to me for several days, he came out and said he wanted a divorce, and that he, "liked me but didn't love me." This was unexpected. 

His main reason seems to be my weight, which I don't actually believe--I was pretty overweight when we very first started dating. I was thin when we got married, but I never stepped foot in the gym until after we were already a couple, and it was something I wanted to do for myself. I went to the gym pretty regularly until I got pregnant and couldn't take the morning sickness/exercise combo. I haven't really been able to get back into exercise with the kids all so young and me working full time. 

His other reasons for divorce were that he thought I was controlling, he didn't like anything about me, and thought we had a terrible marriage--it's like he rewrote history. I don't think I am ''controlling", but I will say that I'm a saver and he's a spender. I never cared about most of his purchases, except when he would spend $1000's of dollars without even discussing with me first. Most of this money came from our investment, so I could understand his desire to just spend it, but he was buying vanity items when we needed a new roof, for example. There were also tax liabilities for spending this money, and it was always difficult to deal with it at tax time. 

After the divorce talk, he immediately started searching for a new place to live, but I actually ended up being the one to move out. I panicked because the only place he could actually afford to move to was over an hour away, and I didn't have time to find alternate childcare arrangements.

My husband did say some really bizarre and crazy stuff in that first week that made me question whether or not the PTSD is the real issue. (I can elaborate on this later--I don't want this post too long.) He's had a diagnosis since 2012, but never sought treatment. The week after I moved out, my husband told my dad he called a veteran's crisis line. (He still talks to my dad pretty regularly.) It took six weeks for my husband to actually get an appointment, and that therapist "dumped" him after one visit--they told him he needed treatment outside the scope of their expertise and wont see him again. He's still wanting treatment, but it's unclear as to what the next steps are. 

After the separation, things were really dismal. He was very cold, didn't want me at the house for long, didn't want me touching things in the house... I was a wreck during this time--saying and doing stuff that probably just cemented his decision in his mind. After about a month, I was able to get a hold of myself enough to back off completely and am doing my best to just roll with the situation and appear happy and upbeat whenever I have to see him. 

Now I don't even know what to make of the situation. We're communicating really well--he's even apologized to me about the situation. He invites me over for kids activities, he helped the kids celebrate my birthday, we've had laughs and jokes together, he tells me goodnight when I leave the house, he talks to me about various details in his personal life, etc. 

On the divorce front...he actually agreed to do legal separation instead, but nothing is filed, and it seems the end goal is still divorce. We've been doing the paperwork ourselves and have agreed on just about everything. There was discussion of marriage counseling, which he agreed to, but then said it was just to give me closure. At this point, we haven't gone to counseling, and I'm not planning to bring it up again unless he specifically asks to go. He has his wedding ring tattooed on, and has gotten at least one tattoo removal treatment for it.

I've wondered about the possibility of another woman, but have seen little evidence that one exists. My husband's friend did make a comment that my husband was feeling guilty about being attracted to someone else, but if that's the case, my husband doesn't appear to be making any moves. He even disconnected his cell service--he just has a VOIP now and doesn't hide his phone or anything like that. He deleted all his social media a while ago, so nothing there either. 

So anyways, I'd like to think this situation is salvageable, but I'm also prepared to walk away. I'm trying not to make myself a doormat, but I feel the need to keep things as friendly as possible because of the situation with his PTSD and the fact that he's still the primary caretaker for the kids. I'm not really sure what I should be doing...there's a lot more I have to say about this situation, but this is enough for now.


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## iaschneider5 (Oct 5, 2019)

Hope all is going well.


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## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

Well, I found out over the weekend that he did cheat, but it was several years ago. It sounds like it was a Craigslist hookup. He refuses to give many details, aside from that he feels extreme guilt about it. I told him I forgave him and he says he doesn't deserve forgiveness and that no other woman would be willing to forgive cheating. He then started crying, gave me a hug, and said he didn't want to hurt me anymore. Later that day, he was back to telling me that he didn't love me and that he was much happier now that we're separated--he said he couldn't handle my mood swings. This is the first time he mentioned mood swings.

I left this out earlier, but I've been suffering from bad mood swings for a while. I had this problem early in our relationship, and it went away when I switched birth control. I've been using a hormonal IUD ever since. I started suspecting the IUD was affecting my moods last year, but nobody else seemed to notice. Well...I guess my husband did, but he never said anything until a few days ago. I actually had my IUD removed after we separated, and when he brought up mood swings, I told him I thought my birth control was the cause and that I quit using it. He said that if that were the case, it would be "tragic" . 

I later told him that many marriages are able to recover from full blown affairs. Then, he said, "I almost want to say let's get legally separated, but not divorced...we'll keep separate houses..." I interrupted his thought to ask what would happen if I got a boyfriend, and he said we could get divorced, and that he didn't really care what we did as long as he could get his ring tattoo removed. 

So now I'm confused. He's been dead set on divorce. Even though we previously agreed on legal separation, the end goal was always divorce, but now he wants to separate and not divorce? There are advantages to staying legally separated, but he had a counter argument for just about all of them. Now I'm wondering if he's entertaining the idea that maybe we can recover from this??? I really do forgive the cheating, and I think it's frustrating that he can't seem to forgive himself. 

At this point, I'm a bit on the fence about what I want. If he were to come up to me right now, wanting to reconcile, I'm not sure what I would do. Even though I forgave him for the cheating, the fact that he would put me through all of this bothers me a lot.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I say take him at his word, see a lawyer and find out what puts you in the best state of your affairs both emotionally and financially, You can not push the rope and gain a thing. And he would grow to resent you and make you life a possible living hell. I'm sorry


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

It's hard to hear, but it looks more like you're putting yourself through all this. He doesn't want to be together is the bottom line. You're the one who keeps asking questions and trying to keep the marriage. I guess he's answering as best he can without hurting you, but my guess is he's not deliberating trying to confuse you.

As a side note: During the divorce, you're going to learn it was a big mistake leaving your home and children.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is backpedaling on the divorce because you are his meal ticket. He wants out but not out enough to actually be on his own and take care of himself. Do you really want to stay married to someone who doesnt love you and is so screwed up emotionally? Sounds like a stressful, miserable way to live for the next 30 years of your life. If he doesnt love you, then staying married is like a prison sentence for you. Do what he doesnt have the balls to do and file.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

He wants his cake and to eat it to.
Have you supporting him and play 
around on the side. He has probably 
cheated more than you know. 

What do you want is the real question?
Keep going through this or to be happy ?
Ever marriage has its ups and downs.
Been married for 30 + years, I have gained
weight lost weight, so has she. We are still
going strong. Marriage is a commitment, good
with the bad. 

Make him put up or shut up. You need to ensure
he earns your trust if you want to stay. You didn't 
cheat he did. His actions will speak more than his 
words.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

sa58 said:


> Make him put up or shut up. You need to ensure
> he earns your trust if you want to stay. You didn't
> cheat he did. His actions will speak more than his
> words.


I get the impression he doesnt care to even try... thus rules out reconciliation. He doesnt want it.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> I get the impression he doesnt care to even try... thus rules out reconciliation. He doesnt want it.


I agree but it is what she wants. She may or may not
want to try. He does sound like a total jerk.
But her choice.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Onarollercoaster said:


> Well, I found out over the weekend that he did cheat, but it was several years ago. It sounds like it was a Craigslist hookup. He refuses to give many details, aside from that he feels extreme guilt about it. I told him I forgave him and he says he doesn't deserve forgiveness and that no other woman would be willing to forgive cheating. He then started crying, gave me a hug, and said he didn't want to hurt me anymore. Later that day, he was back to telling me that he didn't love me and that he was much happier now that we're separated--he said he couldn't handle my mood swings. This is the first time he mentioned mood swings.
> 
> I left this out earlier, but I've been suffering from bad mood swings for a while. I had this problem early in our relationship, and it went away when I switched birth control. I've been using a hormonal IUD ever since. I started suspecting the IUD was affecting my moods last year, but nobody else seemed to notice. Well...I guess my husband did, but he never said anything until a few days ago. I actually had my IUD removed after we separated, and when he brought up mood swings, I told him I thought my birth control was the cause and that I quit using it. He said that if that were the case, it would be "tragic" .
> 
> ...


He doesn't want you to forgive his affair. He wants you to be "the bad guy" and leave him. Or at least make him leaving easy.

He only told you now to get you to push him away.

You're only confused because you're listening to his words and not his actions. His actions are "go away so I can have a life without you, and do it as painlessly to me as possible."

Virtually guarantee he hasn't just run away from this marriage and cheated on you once - he's run away from you and to someone else.

So just go.


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## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

Marduk said:


> He doesn't want you to forgive his affair. He wants you to be "the bad guy" and leave him. Or at least make him leaving easy.
> 
> He only told you now to get you to push him away.
> 
> ...


I actually think he wasn't planning to tell me about the cheating at all. A lot of people were telling me that he must have cheated, so I called his bluff--I flat out told him I knew he cheated (without any evidence) and he confessed. He doesn't want to elaborate on it, but he did tell me that the gal was about sixty pounds heavier than I was. I think that's really interesting considering his "issues" with the marriage. I asked him if he wanted to get divorced prior to the cheating, and he couldn't give me an answer. 

His actions have actually been completely contrary to his words, which is why I don't believe him when he says he doesn't love me. Since we separated, he has continued to go out of his way to do nice things for me, and it goes far beyond the scope of what I think a person would do if they were simply feeling guilty. Just this past weekend, I had a plumbing issue (water shooting out of the toilet like a volcano/massive flood) at my new house, and he volunteered to take care of it so I didn't have to miss work. This took up his entire day. I did not ask him to do this or even suggest that I needed help. The only thing I told him was that I was going to be late for our child exchange, because I needed to clean up a flood in my basement. That's when he offered to help.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Onarollercoaster said:


> I actually think he wasn't planning to tell me about the cheating at all. A lot of people were telling me that he must have cheated, so I called his bluff--I flat out told him I knew he cheated (without any evidence) and he confessed. He doesn't want to elaborate on it, but he did tell me that the gal was about sixty pounds heavier than I was. I think that's really interesting considering his "issues" with the marriage. I asked him if he wanted to get divorced prior to the cheating, and he couldn't give me an answer.
> 
> His actions have actually been completely contrary to his words, which is why I don't believe him when he says he doesn't love me. Since we separated, he has continued to go out of his way to do nice things for me, and it goes far beyond the scope of what I think a person would do if they were simply feeling guilty. Just this past weekend, I had a plumbing issue (water shooting out of the toilet like a volcano/massive flood) at my new house, and he volunteered to take care of it so I didn't have to miss work. This took up his entire day. I did not ask him to do this or even suggest that I needed help. The only thing I told him was that I was going to be late for our child exchange, because I needed to clean up a flood in my basement. That's when he offered to help.


That's guilt and shame, not love in my opinion.

He desperately doesn't want to be the bad guy, but desperately wants out.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I just don't get why you have left you 3 small children.


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## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I just don't get why you have left you 3 small children.


I am a working mom, and he's been the stay-home dad. Him moving out would have made childcare complicated. He said he was willing to commute an hour to care for the the kids during the day, but I didn't really have a backup plan. I tried finding daycare locally, but finding a place without a wait-list was proving to be nearly impossible. 

I ended up renting a room from his brother's family, and bought a house shortly after. I didn't take the kids with me, because I had no way to get the oldest to school. My in-laws couldn't help because they lived in a different school district and had their own kids to get to school. 

I have seen my kids almost every day after work, just like normal, and have taken them kids overnight on weekends. I am the custodial parent on our parenting plan, but the kids aren't quite living with me yet. I had to wait for my house to close and am basically starting over with furnishings.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Onarollercoaster said:


> His actions have actually been completely contrary to his words, which is why I don't believe him when he says he doesn't love me. Since we separated, he has continued to go out of his way to do nice things for me, and it goes far beyond the scope of what I think a person would do if they were simply feeling guilty. Just this past weekend, I had a plumbing issue (water shooting out of the toilet like a volcano/massive flood) at my new house, and he volunteered to take care of it so I didn't have to miss work. This took up his entire day. I did not ask him to do this or even suggest that I needed help. The only thing I told him was that I was going to be late for our child exchange, because I needed to clean up a flood in my basement. That's when he offered to help.


Again... he is taking care of his meal ticket. He figures if he takes care of things, then you wont cut off his cash flow. Think about this... he already had a session of tattoo removal done to get rid of his inked wedding ring, and getting rid of it was his primary concern when it came to separating. I find that VERY telling as to what it is that he wants and how he is feeling about you and the marriage. 

Maybe you should believe how he is telling you he feels. Do you want to be with someone who doesnt want you? Pretty sure you deserve way better than that...


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## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

Well, I took him seriously enough when he asked for a divorce that I went out and bought a house. The entire reason legal separation was ever brought up was because it was suggested by my lender. Their advice was not to file divorce while trying to get a mortgage. This was the reason my husband originally agreed to legal separation, but my loan ended up closing before we filed. I later asked my husband why we weren't just going straight for the divorce (once we had no reason to do legal separation) and he said it was because he thought that's what I wanted. I was very surprised the other day when he suggested we not get divorced but stay legally separated. 

I didn't really touch on this in my original post, but our initial divorce conversation was very bizarre. My husband was talking about his emotions and feelings not being real--that they were all just chemicals in the brain. Which...I guess he is right...but he was talking about it in a way that implied that didn't believe what he felt was real. Then it got weird. He told me that when I changed my name back to my maiden name, I would be "safe". He said he had a "battle" to fight and that we would be "attacked". I told him I wasn't planning to change my name back, and he got angry. Then he said he never considered that I wouldn't change my name and that he would change his name instead. It was a week or so after this that he called the veteran's crisis line. He had one therapy appointment through the VA, but that therapist immediately referred him to a specialist and wont see him again.

My husband hasn't said anything particularly strange since then, but his text messages have been very out of character. I thought I was just imagining things, but my dad called me the other day to tell me that my husband had been sending him odd text messages. (My husband still keeps in contact with my dad.) These messages initially started with my husband using phrases that he's never used before and have evolved to him making statements contrary to what we thought were his deeply held core beliefs. 

On top of all that, right after I moved out, my husband turned off the heat and hot water to the house and started using the fireplace as his only source of heat. Then he replaced the hot water tank with a tankless water heater but messed with all the plumbing so only the shower has hot water. Everything else only has cold water, including the sinks. He also keeps all the lights off. He says he's doing this to save money on the electric bill, but his brother told me that my husband was turning off the lights at his house too, and that he had to tell him to stop. The only positive is that he seems to be doing a good job caring for the kids. 

As part of our separation agreement, we divided up a large investment, but my husband is rapidly spending his portion. He's probably spent $30k on vanity items in the last eight weeks, but he is still being very frugal in other areas of his life.

The downhill spiral of our marriage actually started in August 2016, right after our youngest was born. That week, my husband got into a car wreck that triggered his PTSD. The following week, his old NCO came and emotionally vomited all the bad stuff he did in Iraq onto my husband. My husband was not the same after this guy's visit--he says he feels culpable for the stuff his NCO did. I believe the cheating happened either during or right after this guy's visit--I knew at the time something was wrong, but I thought it he was just weighed down by the stuff the NCO told him. 

Anyways...I guess the main reason I'm so hesitant to just divorce him is because I think there's something not right with him.


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## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> Again... he is taking care of his meal ticket. He figures if he takes care of things, then you wont cut off his cash flow. Think about this... he already had a session of tattoo removal done to get rid of his inked wedding ring, and getting rid of it was his primary concern when it came to separating. I find that VERY telling as to what it is that he wants and how he is feeling about you and the marriage.
> 
> Maybe you should believe how he is telling you he feels. Do you want to be with someone who doesnt want you? Pretty sure you deserve way better than that...


He doesn't need my money--he's made far more money investing than I've ever brought home. We have a house paid off because of the money he's made. His problem is "earned income". Since all his money is coming from capital gains (which are not guaranteed) he has a hard time getting a loan or housing. He gets disability money from the VA and has someone renting the garage. He probably qualifies for 100% disability, but it's a process to get it. He also has heath insurance through the VA.

He may want to stay married to pay less capital gains, but the last time we discussed it, he said he'd file taxes separate. The only other benefit I can think of is that I can use FMLA protections to watch the kids for his VA appointments--he asked me to use this already, and I told him I can't if we get divorced. His response to that was that my parents can watch the kids or he can use a service through the VA. 

As for the ring, when I brought that up, he said that I'm not wearing mine. He says he's not interested in dating--not even casually. He says he could never be with someone if he can't have kids with them, and it's a deal-breaker if they have kids already. He's had a vasectomy--he said if he hadn't, he'd absolutely be out looking for a new wife. He says he doesn't want to go through the trouble of falling in love with someone, getting his vasectomy reversed, and then have it not be successful. He says that would destroy him. I personally think he's being a bit ridiculous, but whatever.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I don't think you should not have the kids with him. At all you are taking a chance. I must say.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow something is seriously wrong with him. He needs help. And your kids should not be staying in a house with no heat or hot water! It’s like their welfare is not on his radar at all. What he is doing is very disturbing. Have you looked into possibly having him institutionalized for a while? Is he on medication? I am glad to read a bit more detail about the financials, that part isn’t as dire as it initially sounded. 

When I brought up the thing about his wedding ring, I wasn’t really thinking about him wanting to cheat or start dating. My thought was that it signified his deep desire to cut ties and get away from you. 

All of this is very bizarre. I can’t help feeling like you need to give him his divorce so he can go do whatever it is he thinks he needs to, and make other arrangements for your kids. (How old are they? I think I missed..) I’m sorry you are dealing with this. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Onarollercoaster, when a cheater confesses, they usually minimise their cheating. 

We only held hands = we kissed
We only kissed = we had some sexual contact
We only had sex once, with a condom = we had sex multiple times and never wore protection.

I think you need to file for divorce to protect you and your children.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Sorry to say this again but
what do you want to do ?
It sounds like your trying to
handle to much already.

You are really on a roller coaster.
The kids, him, and everything else.
Sorry but you can't fix him. The VA
has counselors for him and you also.
He sounds like he really needs help
with PTSD and many other things.

You will not be sure of anything until
he gets some help. I would suggest you
contact a counselor ASAP. Private or 
through the VA. I don't want to upset 
you but sometimes these things spiral 
downward quickly. The visit from his 
old NCO and what happened after ?
Right now the kids have no heat or water. 

Taking care of yourself first. You need to see a
counselor for yourself. Stop trying to do it all.
Then kids welfare and getting him some needed
help. 

You first then everything else.


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## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

Just to clarify, there is heat and hot water at my husband's house, he just has it setup weird. The hot water only works in the shower because he modified the plumbing to be that way. The kids can still take a warm bath or shower. There's no hot water at the sinks or any of the appliances.

And the heat comes from the fireplace--it doesn't work as good as a wood stove, but the fireplace he has was designed to heat the house. As long as he has a fire going, the house has heat.


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## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow something is seriously wrong with him. He needs help. And your kids should not be staying in a house with no heat or hot water! It’s like their welfare is not on his radar at all. What he is doing is very disturbing. Have you looked into possibly having him institutionalized for a while? Is he on medication? I am glad to read a bit more detail about the financials, that part isn’t as dire as it initially sounded.
> 
> When I brought up the thing about his wedding ring, I wasn’t really thinking about him wanting to cheat or start dating. My thought was that it signified his deep desire to cut ties and get away from you.
> 
> All of this is very bizarre. I can’t help feeling like you need to give him his divorce so he can go do whatever it is he thinks he needs to, and make other arrangements for your kids. (How old are they? I think I missed..) I’m sorry you are dealing with this.


The kids are 6, 4, and 3. They have heat and hot water at their dad's house--it's just limited. I wasn't expecting my husband to do all this stuff when I left. He's always been a big spender, so I'm surprised he's so frugal with the utilities. The kids have complained about it being dark in the house more than anything else.

I don't really know what to make of his ring tattoo. He never told me he was getting it in the first place. I came home from work one day and he'd done it. When I asked why he wanted to get it removed, his only response was that I wasn't wearing my ring. 

Things were fairly normal up until we talked about divorcing. When he was talking crazy, he implied that I was making him crazy. I don't believe this at all, but I felt like removing myself from the situation would be best. I think he's blaming me for whatever is wrong with him. I left the kids there because he's always been the primary caretaker, he wanted to keep them, and I didn't really have a good place for them at first. I'm the custodial parent, but the kids aren't quite moved in with me yet.


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## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

sa58 said:


> Sorry to say this again but
> what do you want to do ?
> It sounds like your trying to
> handle to much already.
> ...


We've both already seen counselors. He's seen one through he VA, and I've been seeing one through an employer-sponsored program. His counselor (that the VA sent him to) would not see him for a second visit--he was told he needed treatment beyond the scope of his or her expertise. He was given a referral and hasn't heard anything back. It took him six weeks to get the initial appointment, so I'd expect about the same for the referral. 

I'm hoping that treatment will help him. This is a person I care deeply about and I feel like I should not be so quick to divorce him when he's clearly got something wrong with him. He's very serious about getting help, so I take that as a positive sign. I'm not going to hold out forever, but I'd like to at least give him the opportunity to get better before making a final decision. I mean, I know it's not entirely up to me, but he has given some indication that he isn't 100% certain divorce is what he wants.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Onarollercoaster said:


> We've both already seen counselors. He's seen one through he VA, and I've been seeing one through an employer-sponsored program. His counselor (that the VA sent him to) would not see him for a second visit--he was told he needed treatment beyond the scope of his or her expertise. He was given a referral and hasn't heard anything back. It took him six weeks to get the initial appointment, so I'd expect about the same for the referral.
> 
> I'm hoping that treatment will help him. This is a person I care deeply about and I feel like I should not be so quick to divorce him when he's clearly got something wrong with him. He's very serious about getting help, so I take that as a positive sign. I'm not going to hold out forever, but I'd like to at least give him the opportunity to get better before making a final decision. I mean, I know it's not entirely up to me, but he has given some indication that he isn't 100% certain divorce is what he wants.


Glad to hear you are seeing a counselor, keep seeing them if
you need to. Even if it is just to vent and a support network.
You have a lot to deal with and as I said you can't do it all. 

The VA has and always will move very slow.
So much for Gov.healthcare. Glad to hear he is 
serious about getting help also. First step in the 
right direction is realizing there is a problem. Is he 
currently on any medication ? Watch which ones he
may be on. That could be part of the problem. Have 
you checked for any support groups near by ? For you
and him both. Lots of Vets and their spouses in similar 
situations. 

Have you moved back home or thought about it ?
Talk with your counselor first and consider if you 
can deal with the current situation. Just like you
he has a lot of things going on. He really needs 
help dealing with them. The problem is getting the 
right help. I don't have much faith in the VA system
however. I know a lot of Vets that don't either.

Please take care of yourself and I hope both of 
you together can and do work through this. 
Only you can decide when to give up and move on
however. 

Take care


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @Onarollercoaster ~ Unload him like the bad habit he is! He's still cheating and apparently wants to be validated for it!

Lawyer up, hire a good family attorney, to stringently protect your children's interests as well as your share of the community finances!

Best of luck to you, M'dear!*


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Onarollercoaster said:


> We've both already seen counselors. He's seen one through he VA, and I've been seeing one through an employer-sponsored program. His counselor (that the VA sent him to) would not see him for a second visit--he was told he needed treatment beyond the scope of his or her expertise. He was given a referral and hasn't heard anything back. It took him six weeks to get the initial appointment, so I'd expect about the same for the referral.
> 
> I'm hoping that treatment will help him. This is a person I care deeply about and I feel like I should not be so quick to divorce him when he's clearly got something wrong with him. He's very serious about getting help, so I take that as a positive sign. I'm not going to hold out forever, but I'd like to at least give him the opportunity to get better before making a final decision. I mean, I know it's not entirely up to me, but he has given some indication that he isn't 100% certain divorce is what he wants.


And yet you have your children with him because it's convenient for you. What a crock you both really do need help I must say. You should get the kids and find a way to make it work.


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## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> And yet you have your children with him because it's convenient for you. What a crock you both really do need help I must say. You should get the kids and find a way to make it work.


The kids have ALWAYS been with him. He's been a stay-home dad since the oldest was a baby. Leaving the kids with him was not easy--I cried my eyes out over this. However, doing things this way actually allowed us to minimize the impact the separation has had on the kids. 

If I took the kids with me, it would have been a dramatic change to their lives. In addition to changing routines and changing houses, my two older kids would have needed to change schools. 

I could have stayed at the house, but that would leave my husband with a lengthy commute, and also limited time with the oldest child, who is in school all day. 

Him having the kids full time was only ever a temporary arrangement. Despite that, I have seen my kids almost every day after work, just like I normally would have if I were still living at home. I'm usually there up until after their bedtime stories. I am the custodial parent in our parenting plan, and they will soon live with me full time. Their dad will continue to care for them while I'm at work, but will be doing a lot of this care at my house.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Quote:
His counselor (that the VA sent him to) would not see him for a second visit--he was told he needed treatment beyond the scope of his or her expertise. End quote.

I am referring to this it only take seconds for a tragedy. And if outside the realm of the VA phycologist. And with you ongoing divorce and him with his PTSD, puts him at risk does it not. What of his triggers, regardless that he has always cared for the kids. 

How many people get hurt or worse by someone they know and the last thing said l would have never thought he/she was capable. It's all l am referring to. But if you think it's ok with you, then let it be. I am just bringing this up in case you are not thinking straight because of your marriage issues of legal separation/divorce. 

Tilted


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Onarollercoaster said:


> Their dad will continue to care for them while I'm at work, but will be doing a lot of this care at my house.


Um... He is going to be coming to YOUR house to watch the kids after you divorce? Am I reading that right? While I get where you are coming from with your current arrangement, no ex wife in her right mind would have her ex husband spending every day in her new home! Especially one who is mentally unstable on top of being the ex...


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## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

sa58 said:


> Glad to hear you are seeing a counselor, keep seeing them if
> you need to. Even if it is just to vent and a support network.
> You have a lot to deal with and as I said you can't do it all.
> 
> ...


I actually think i have to wait for a new counselor--the one I've been seeing is transferring! She said her replacements were hired (I guess they hired two) but she didn't know when they would be able to start seeing people. 

My husband is not on any medication at the moment. I'm not sure if he'd take any. He said he would in the past, but recently he's been saying he wouldn't. He got verification from his therapist that the referral was sent in, but it was only after he sent the guy an angry text message. He also expressed some confusion as to why the therapist the VA sent him to wouldn't see him again. I didn't know what to say, other than to encourage him to follow-up. The VA has been super slow...

I never wanted to move out in the first place, but I don't think he'd let me move back--at least not right now. I asked one time previously, and he said no. When I first moved, I was renting a room, but I ended up buying a house. I didn't want to gamble on reconciling, and I knew that if I didn't buy now, I might be priced out of the market in a year. (The local real estate market is super hot.)

I'm still open to reconciling, but I'm not going to wait around forever. Knowing my husband, I feel like he would have filed for divorce already if he was sure that's what he wanted. Obviously, our legal separation agreement can be converted to divorce, but it doesn't sound like he wants to do that anymore. I've been meaning to follow up with him about that, but I haven't had a good opportunity yet. 

My current focus is working on myself...I really don't believe any of his reasoning for getting divorced and agree with his assessment that the problem is mostly him. He previously indicated that he believed that I was making his PTSD symptoms worse...I don't believe this either, but I think giving him space will be the best way to let him figure it out.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So are you going to sit back and stay plan B while your hb both looks around to see if he can do better and lets you support him while he does?

Because from where I sit this is what it looks like.

Why is this his decision?

Aren't you worth more than that?


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## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> Um... He is going to be coming to YOUR house to watch the kids after you divorce? Am I reading that right? While I get where you are coming from with your current arrangement, no ex wife in her right mind would have her ex husband spending every day in her new home! Especially one who is mentally unstable on top of being the ex...


I go to work at 4am... Neither of us want to get the kids up that early. The plan is for him to come to my house before I leave, and he will take them to school from there, and then head off to his house for the rest of the day. (I'm less that five miles from him, but in a different school district.)

Besides that... I don't even know if we're getting divorced--it seemed like it was off the table the last time we talked about it. I am NOT going to stay in limbo forever, but I'll hang on for a bit. I've already done my lawyer shopping, but am satisfied with the existing separation agreement. 

I know he has issues, but I don't think he's a danger to anyone. I am still keeping things documented, but my intention with the documentation has always been to help him with the VA. I'm hoping that with space and treatment, he will get better--he acknowledges he has a problem, and he wants to get help. If he wasn't trying to get help, I would 100% have filed divorce already.


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## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> So are you going to sit back and stay plan B while your hb both looks around to see if he can do better and lets you support him while he does?
> 
> Because from where I sit this is what it looks like.
> 
> ...


I’m not supporting him at all. He’s paying all the bills at his house. His earned income is low, but he has other money available to him. 

I don’t think he’s interested in dating at all. He’s got a weird mental block about it—he thinks nobody will want him because he had a vasectomy, and he doesn’t want to be with someone he can’t see himself having kids with. Given that he’s already been snipped, he feels like there’s no point to dating. He said he considered a reversal, but didn’t like the odds of success. He doesn’t want to fall for someone and not be able to have kids with them. He said it would destroy him. He got the vasectomy after the cheating happened, so I think he’s being pretty genuine. He doesn’t even have a proper phone right now (by choice) so him getting into a new relationship is not very likely.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

The VA system is going to be super duper slow.
Sometimes vets wait a long time to see a specialist 
and then just get medicated. That is why I asked about
meds. Don't have a lot of faith in that system, some are
good some lousy.

His problem maybe something that can only be managed
( hopefully ) not solved. That is why I suggested checking
into support groups. Being around other vets who have gone 
through similar things may help him. Maybe help you also. Don't 
forget the kids are in this also and it may or eventually will affect 
them. 

Divorce maybe something you eventually have to do.
He may or may not want to, you to. Given this situation
both of you may not really know what to do. How divorce 
may or may not affect him ? Just don't keep to much faith
in the VA system. You will probably have to look else where 
for help. Private counselors, for both of you. 

As I said earlier he realizes there is a problem and is trying
to get help. I hope he finds it soon. You realize you can't
wait forever , working on yourself also.


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## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

sa58 said:


> The VA system is going to be super duper slow.
> Sometimes vets wait a long time to see a specialist
> and then just get medicated. That is why I asked about
> meds. Don't have a lot of faith in that system, some are
> ...


I guess he called the VA yesterday to see what was taking so long with his referral. They gave him the runaround, and he called some other number, and was told he was going to have to start the entire process over again. He was very emotional about it. I was going to go to his house after work to pick up more of my stuff, and he called to say that he too spun up from dealing with the VA and that he wanted me to know that he didn't hate me and not take it personal, but that he did not want me to come over. I told him I understood, and he texted a "thank you" after we hung up. 

I think this is a discouraging turn of events, but at least he's still determined to follow up. He can use my private insurance to see someone, but he hates the idea of pouring his heart out to multiple therapists. He wants to just stick to the VA for now. I'm doing what I can to encourage him, and I'm happy that he still feels like he can confide in me.


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## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

I finally asked my husband if we were planning to keep our legal separation agreement or convert it to a divorce, and he said he wants to stay legally separated. I didn’t ask him why, as I didn’t want to put him on the spot. He wanted a divorce on day one, and we talked about staying married for the benefits at that time. He didn’t think it was worth it because he already has his own insurance and feels as though he will never run out of money. That pretty much eliminates the logical reasons for staying married. 

Ever since he admitted to cheating, my husband has been opening up to me more and more. These are in-person conversations, and I just try to listen and validate. He usually talks about what he’s been up to, his plans, and his struggles with his PTSD. There’s still zero intimacy, and he’s still making progress to get his ring tattoo removed, but I feel like we’ve gotten closer, if that makes sense. 

Personally, I think the reality of the situation is starting to creep up on my husband. He’s struggling to keep up with housework, and the effects of having two households are starting to impact the kids, despite how amicable we are. Our oldest says he is “sick” every time one parent has to go home, and my husband feels extreme guilt about this—he says it’s all his fault.

I obviously don’t want to guilt my husband back into a relationship, but I definitely feel like he’s not as sure as he was in the beginning.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Onarollercoaster said:


> *
> Personally, I think the reality of the situation is starting to creep up on my husband. He’s struggling to keep up with housework,* and the effects of having two households are starting to impact the kids, despite how amicable we are. Our oldest says he is “sick” every time one parent has to go home, and my husband feels extreme guilt about this—he says it’s all his fault.


So you would be cool with him wanting to stay married because life is too difficult being an adult having to take care of himself...? Personally I would NOT be okay with that, he isnt a child, he is a grown ass man. Also it IS all his fault, he should take ownership of his actions and their consequences. 

Also if you stay separated, then the kids STILL have two households, although it sounds like you guys cross over in the same house a lot, and I think that is even more chaotic and confusing for them.


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## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> So you would be cool with him wanting to stay married because life is too difficult being an adult having to take care of himself...? Personally I would NOT be okay with that, he isnt a child, he is a grown ass man. Also it IS all his fault, he should take ownership of his actions and their consequences.
> 
> Also if you stay separated, then the kids STILL have two households, although it sounds like you guys cross over in the same house a lot, and I think that is even more chaotic and confusing for them.


He’s not being lazy, if that’s what you’re implying. He lives on acreage and is struggling to balance household chores, like dishes and laundry, with all the stuff he needs to get done outside. For example, he just had a 100ft tree cut down, because it was in danger of falling on the house. Now he’s trying to get all the wood chopped up and the mess taken care of. On top of that, he rented a dumpster to demolish an old outbuilding, and he’s trying to get the garage renovated. This is the kind of stuff he loves to do, but now he has nobody keeping up on the housework. He was initially keeping up with it, but that only lasted a week or two. 

I am not interested in staying separated indefinitely. I just don’t want to rush into a divorce when we both know he has an untreated mental health issue. He admitted this is the main thing causing problems for our marriage, and he’s serious about getting treatment. One of the symptoms of PTSD is a desire to isolate, and I think our separation is more about him wanting to isolate than anything else. He already told me he would have ghosted if we didn’t have kids, but I think he’s moved past those feelings.

I’m not sure if there’s any way we can work our custody agreement to make it less stressful than it already is. The kids go straight from school to one house or another. We have a 50/50 arrangement, but I still work and live in another school district. Their dad has to take them to school, even on my parenting days.


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## Onarollercoaster (Nov 7, 2019)

I guess I am officially in marital limbo. We were going full speed ahead on getting all our paperwork done and filed, but my husband has been sitting on the last couple of forms for over a month. When I ask about them, he usually tells me he's been busy and will get to them. This is a complete 180 from his attitude at the beginning of our separation--he wanted to file ASAP. At some point, we changed the divorce to a legal separation, but the legal separation agreement is convertible to a divorce, and we remain married while it's in effect. Even if he's having doubts, I see no logical reason to not sign these papers. 

Coincidentally, I noticed that I sent him these forms the day before his first therapy appointment. Within a day of that appointment, I got the impression that he said something to the therapist about our marriage, but my initial evidence was weak and boiled down to out of character text messages my husband was sending. (He wanted to know about my emotional well-being, and how I was coping with the separation.) It wasn't until weeks after therapy that I noticed he also stopped pushing for us to get anything filed. 

Now I'm kind of at an impasse as to what to do. We did all the paperwork without a lawyer, and the agreement is pretty good for both parties. I'd hate to pay a lawyer just to force him to finish it, but I like the idea of being protected legally/financially, especially if things go south later. 

As far as our relationship goes, things are still very platonic, but I sense longing from him. I've been doing good by not reacting to him and working on myself. I want to be patient with the situation and see where it goes, but I'm just not sure what I should do about the legal stuff.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, you stated this:

"Now I'm kind of at an impasse as to what to do. We did all the paperwork without a lawyer, and the agreement is pretty good for both parties. I'd hate to pay a lawyer just to force him to finish it, but I like the idea of being protected legally/financially, especially if things go south later."

And I think your train of thought is the smart way to go. Its ALWAYS a good idea to protect yourself. Especially when you are dealing with another person's instability. I know spending money kinda sucks, but it seems to be the smart move here.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Onarollercoaster said:


> I guess I am officially in marital limbo. We were going full speed ahead on getting all our paperwork done and filed, but my husband has been sitting on the last couple of forms for over a month. When I ask about them, he usually tells me he's been busy and will get to them. This is a complete 180 from his attitude at the beginning of our separation--he wanted to file ASAP. At some point, we changed the divorce to a legal separation, but the legal separation agreement is convertible to a divorce, and we remain married while it's in effect. Even if he's having doubts, I see no logical reason to not sign these papers.
> 
> Coincidentally, I noticed that I sent him these forms the day before his first therapy appointment. Within a day of that appointment, I got the impression that he said something to the therapist about our marriage, but my initial evidence was weak and boiled down to out of character text messages my husband was sending. (He wanted to know about my emotional well-being, and how I was coping with the separation.) It wasn't until weeks after therapy that I noticed he also stopped pushing for us to get anything filed.
> 
> ...


Sounds like he got dumped.

Perfect time for you to move ahead assertively.


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