# Family Vacation Issue - What do you think?



## ScottinPA (Feb 14, 2017)

Hello everyone, I’m looking for some feedback on a situation I’m trying to work through. This seems to be a very active board and I would appreciate any opinions or perspective you might be willing to offer. I realize I may be mishandling some pieces of my story, so please don’t hold back. Here goes:

My wife and I are planning a trip to take our kids to Disney next year. My wife wants her parents to go but wants to exclude mine. I would like for my parents to be able to go on the trip as well, but my wife is adamant that they will not be allowed to come under any circumstances. I am happy that her parents are able to come, though she did invite them without discussing it with me. Everyone is paying their own way on this trip, so there are no issues about encroaching on others’ vacations. My wife has booked the trip for us and her parents and wants me to break the news to mine that we are going and that they are not welcome.

Some back story that may be relevant: My wife does not like my family (surprised?); it became more obvious after we married, about six years ago. From my perspective, they are average people who try to be nice to her. She finds them annoying. I have a great relationship with her whole family, as do my parents. My family lives close and hers live about an hour away. My parents are not allowed to be around our kids alone. No babysitting, no holidays, no special events; going to my parents’ home for dinner usually results in an argument or rapid onset illness on account of her. I’ll give her the later, as my parents’ home is not childproofed. These things bother me (and my parents). You get the idea.

Anyways, I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to come to a compromise with my wife, but she seems unwilling to entertain my concerns and feelings. I don’t want to hurt my parents and am concerned that this will complicate an already strained relationship between my wife and them, as well as compromise their relationship with our kids. I also want to avoid making my wife look bad to my family, who already feel that she hates them. This is souring me on what should be a fun experience with my kids.

I get that traveling with seven or eight people for a week is no small task. To my wife’s credit, my parents are older than hers and in below average health (both pre-diabetics, low physical activity for one). They don’t travel and are homebodies and would have a difficult time traveling autonomously. These are concerns she has raised (and that my parents are seemingly blind to), and rightfully so. When I try to think about that objectively, I am also met by the fact that Disney is very accessible to people of various physical abilities. If my parents were to be given the option to come, I would be compelled to have a very honest discussion about whether they could actually (i.e. physically) go.

I get the impression my in-laws are beginning to wonder what is going on with my parents, regarding the trip. I overheard a portion of a phone call the other night, my wife telling her mother that it was my problem and that she wasn’t getting in the middle of it. I get the impression that she has kept them in the dark about the situation, other than instructing them to not say anything to my family when they are around each other.

So that’s my predicament. I can’t imagine I’m the first person to be in this spot. Any observations or opinions you have are appreciated. I love my family and just want everyone to be happy together, which is probably my biggest problem. I’ll be honest, just organizing my thoughts in this post is cathartic. Thanks in advance for your insights.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

my first impression is she's not being fair, and wants things her own way. she doesn't want to be charitable and accommodate your parents.
that's sounds very selfish. i don't give a darn tootin if she doesn't like them, she has an obligation to TRY to like them and get along. 

how old are your parents? are they on walkers, canes or wheelchairs? what about hers? are they fully ambulatory, or impaired?


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

She sounds like my ex wife. She hated my mother, for invalid reasons. I was a doormat, I let her walk over me to keep my family together and not lose my crap. We hated each other. I finally had enough, found my man card, and divorced her. 

Is your marriage healthy? Are there bigger issues?

You are not giving us much back story. Does she have valid reasons to hate your parents? Give us some examples of why she hates them.


----------



## ScottinPA (Feb 14, 2017)

jorgegene said:


> my first impression is she's not being fair, and wants things her own way. she doesn't want to be charitable and accommodate your parents.
> that's sounds very selfish. i don't give a darn tootin if she doesn't like them, she has an obligation to TRY to like them and get along.
> 
> how old are your parents? are they on walkers, canes or wheelchairs? what about hers? are they fully ambulatory, or impaired?


They are about 70. Canes are probably a few years off, mainly because my dad needs his knees done. My mother is heavier, but not at a point where it inhibits her or anything.


----------



## ScottinPA (Feb 14, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> She sounds like my ex wife. She hated my mother, for invalid reasons. I was a doormat, I let her walk over me to keep my family together and not lose my crap. We hated each other. I finally had enough, found my man card, and divorced her.
> 
> Is your marriage healthy? Are there bigger issues?
> 
> You are not giving us much back story. Does she have valid reasons to hate your parents? Give us some examples of why she hates them.


The family thing is our only issue. We're on the same page on most other things. My wife is stubborn, though. There is no one specific thing or instance that I can't point to and definitively say 'that's it, that's what caused it'. It sounds petty, but years of useless or thoughtless gifts and half-baked observations got her to a point where she said 'these people are idiots, and I can't deal with it'. She (and I) are highly motivated, highly educated, etc and she looks down on my family a bit because they are not.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

First of all don't go to Disney. That place is the worst fricken rip off there ever was. It will only cause you problems when you get there. It's definitely NOT the happiest place on earth, it sucks. You could go to Europe for less money. 

Your wife is alot like mine, only her side of the family deserves to live. Just the fact that she would even consider not inviting your parents when her parents are going is a statement of huge immaturity. Even if your parents were coming having three different generations on this outing is a disaster waiting to happen. The kids will want to go running wild, your parents will just want to sit where there's air conditioning and you will likely become the referee. It's VERY HOT there and older people won't do well there. It won't be a fun time. Call it off before it's too late. I would address the issue your wife has with your parents instead going on the trip and allowing her to make things worse. Make your wife get along with them instead of letting her act like an adolescent.

I would suggest a separate vacation with the kids and with the parents and in-laws. That's the only way everyone will have fun.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ScottinPA said:


> There is no one specific thing or instance that I can't point to and definitively say 'that's it, that's what caused it'. It sounds petty, but *years of useless or thoughtless gifts *and *half-baked observations* got her to a point where she said 'these people are idiots, and I can't deal with it'. She (and I) are highly motivated, highly educated, etc and she looks down on my family a bit because they are not.


I get the feeling you have somewhat stuck your head in the sand over this issue. For your wife to dislike your parents to this point indicates those "half-baked observations" were far more important, and possibly hurtful, to her. And exactly what made your parents' gifts "useless or thoughtless"? I think you really need to go into a bit more depth. After all, your wife sounds like she absolutely hates your parents, you sound like you're trying to stay out of it, and I'm wondering why you would allow her to treat them this way. Idiots? Is this how she views your parents? Seriously?


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ScottinPA said:


> They are about 70. Canes are probably a few years off, mainly because my dad needs his knees done. My mother is heavier, but not at a point where it inhibits her or anything.


*That being the case, compromise!

If her parents are going to be the ones to accompany you, then plan on an equivalent or an even better vacation trip, but this second one would include only your parents and not hers! And if your W hedges on going, then just refuse to go with her and her parents!

Frankly, I like your idea much better where everybody goes!*


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Full disclosure - I have HUGE inlaw problems, and there is no way in hades they would ever come on holiday with us. I won't even let them in our home. My husband goes there if he wants to see them (which isn't very often, his choice). They are truly horrid people.

From what you've said above though, it seems that your wife is being very unreasonable. Are you sure there's not more to this? Are your parents the type of inlaws who like to "air their concerns" or criticise and pick at everything under the guise of "helping"? Do they stick their nose in when it's none of their business? I'm not saying they are - just asking the question.

Your wife's behaviour just seems so extreme over so-called "annoying" people. Annoying people are everywhere, just something you have to deal with in life.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If there is no real reason for her attitude toward your parents, then she is WAY WAY WAY out of line, and you are WAY WAY WAY too much of a doormat.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Since you are not an included member of the family why are you going to Micky land?


----------



## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

That's such an unfair dilemma she's placed you in.

I think it's ridiculous that she doesn't trust your parents to be left alone with your children (unless they physically can't look after them due to poor health) it's your family and you should put your foot down, you get a say in this too, if you feel your kids could spend some alone time with their grandparents then let them.

If I were you I would tell her parents how you feel, how it hurts you she's excluding them. It seems you have a good relationship with your in-laws, so maybe they'll offer you some support and have a talk to your wife about her unreasonable behaviour.

You really need to have a talk to your wife and put your foot down, don't allow her to exclude your parents, if you continue to just let her away with it it will only get worse. Stop it once and for all. If she doesn't like them that's up to her, but that doesn't mean she can come between the relationship you and your children have with them.

Your wife seems too selfish to care about anyone else and their feelings. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

At some point you are going to have to stand up to your wife or this will continue. Maybe you like submitting to her wishes but make no mistake this scenario is your doing with years of repeated pattern of her demanding and you backing down. To take back some control you are going to have an uphill battle. You need to decide what kinda life you want to lead. This sounds to me like you're another kid in the relationship.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Let me preface by saying I agree with previous posters -- your wife seems uncharitable and controlling when it comes to this vacation. (But her controlling nature is a whole separate issue that needs to be addressed aside from this vacation.)

OTOH, I can't think of a WORSE trip than including BOTH sets of parents/in-laws on a giant family vacation. Your two sets of parents aren't related to each other; they only know each other because you two just happen to be married.

Both families (yours and hers) likely have very different interests, expectations and ways of doing things. Plan two different vacations at different times of the year. Let each set of in-laws enjoy time with their grandchildren in their own way. Trust me, they'll all thank you for it later.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Loveontherocks said:


> That's such an unfair dilemma she's placed you in.
> 
> You really need to have a talk to your wife and put your foot down, don't allow her to exclude your parents, if you continue to just let her away with it it will only get worse. Stop it once and for all.





Wolf1974 said:


> At some point you are going to have to stand up to your wife or this will continue. Maybe you like submitting to her wishes but make no mistake this scenario is your doing with years of repeated pattern of her demanding and you backing down. To take back some control you are going to have an uphill battle. You need to decide what kinda life you want to lead. This sounds to me like you're another kid in the relationship.


I think we need to know why the wife feels such disdain towards his parents. It's such an extreme way to feel, there's got to be more to it...

I won't allow my inlaws in our home. They have said appalling things about me to my husband and accused me of despicable things. I just can't bear to be in their company. Nor do they get invited to family outings, I can't be around them, I just can't.

What is very telling is that my husband, while he has failed me over and over by never standing up to them about the above issues, is free to go see them whenever he likes, but chooses not to. It's not always the daughter in law's fault.

If I cant count on my husband to stand up for me to his parents, I will stand up for myself. No one is going to treat me that way.

That said, I do know that there are some people who are just difficult, and the OP's wife may be one of them...until we know more about why she feels the way she does, I'm reserving judgement.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Since everyone is paying their own way, why not have her book with her parents, you with yours and split the kids between? It's a big place and you can intersect from time to time to exchange kids so they can see both sets of grandparents.

While I agree that it's too bad your wife can't get along with them, it sounds like this could turn into one big stressful nightmare. Lessen the stress. Maybe your parents don't want to be with your wife, either.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

frusdil;17370682[B said:


> ]I think we need to know why the wife feels such disdain towards his parents. It's such an extreme way to feel, there's got to be more to it...[/B]
> 
> I won't allow my inlaws in our home. They have said appalling things about me to my husband and accused me of despicable things. I just can't bear to be in their company. Nor do they get invited to family outings, I can't be around them, I just can't.
> 
> ...


it's possible but it sounds like she made all the decision and booked the vacation without even telling him. that to me shows just how in control she is and he isn't . Having been in the otherwise of this sometimes you just have to look at this objectively and decide if this is reasonable or not. Doesn't seem like the OP thinks it is. Could be he is a doormat to his parents too and hence the family struggle ?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I with others here, if your parents can't come then she is the one to tell them and i tell her good luck on your vacation with your parents and the kids i'm not going...please stand up to this bullying and that is what she is doing...bullying. I already hate your wife and i have never met her


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you can afford it, tell her that you are gong to book another holiday later on and invite your parents this time. Maybe something less energetic.


----------



## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

If they truly haven't done anything other than being old and uneducated then your wife is being ridiculously unfair. I'd put my foot down on this and insist on a compromise of some sort. 
That said, my inlaws are completely banana sandwich. I want nothing to do with them. They're so bad that my husband doesn't even want me to be around them and when he's guilted into visiting he does it without me. I've offered to go and give them more chances but he refuses to put me through it. 

Are your parents truly that bad that you're going to let her cut them out of your life this way?


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> If you can afford it, tell her that you are gong to book another holiday later on and invite your parents this time. Maybe something less energetic.




I agree with that. But even if mobility was issue a family normally makes accommodations for that. 

Yet that doesn't solve the basic problem. OP needs to stand up for his family and HIMSELF and not be stepped on by his wife. 

I wish OP would tell us more about this marriage. This family vacation issue cannot be an isolated incident.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She is selfish. Soon your parents will be dead and gone. This is a lifetime opportunity for you and them...both families. You can never turn back the clock.

This is what I would tell your wife.

"I wanted to invite my parents to come along. You refuse. This will be their last chance at doing this. 
You have won this battle. But, at a great price. You have wounded me in ways that you cannot imagine.
I will remember your decision on this for the rest of my life. And I will hold that decision in me, forever."

"My parents are not the enemy. But you treat them that way. And now, I feel like I too am your enemy".

I took my wife's parents and other family members to Disney World in Florida. I rented a big Ford passenger 
van. We made many stops, picnicked along the way. We traveled from Georgia. It was great fun. Her parents
were in their late seventies, her Grandmother was in her nineties. My young daughters and wife's nieces had a great time.


----------



## ScottinPA (Feb 14, 2017)

I appreciate everyone's thoughtful posts. Some of the points made reinforce reinforce things I've been thinking, while other points have shed new light on the situation, and I am thankful for that.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Give us some examples of why she doesn't like your parents. Not being educated is bogus. Why can't you give us examples? You either buried your head in the sand or your wife has some mental disorders. Or perhaps your parents hate your wife for valid reasons and she knows it?

Is your wife a controlling beotch all the time?


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

My parents are dead now, but before they died they were just hard working and mostly uneducated people. They did have a HS education, but no college. Both grew up on a farm in rural South Carolina. My in laws are educated and live in California. Both sets of parents are (were) nice and civil. My wife only briefly knew my dad as he died not long after we were married, but she liked both parents just fine. I like her parents and family. Nice folks, even if our backgrounds are so very different. 

With all of that being said, I don't imagine it would have been much fun with both of our parents on the same trip. It would have been a nightmare of a culture clash. Even so, my wife and I would have made that decision TOGETHER, not unilaterally. 

I think you need to talk to your wife about how she feels about your family. I would also tell her that the next family trip involves your family and not hers and she WILL be there. Either she agrees or you cancel DW. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


----------



## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

frusdil said:


> I think we need to know why the wife feels such disdain towards his parents. It's such an extreme way to feel, there's got to be more to it...
> 
> I won't allow my inlaws in our home. They have said appalling things about me to my husband and accused me of despicable things. I just can't bear to be in their company. Nor do they get invited to family outings, I can't be around them, I just can't.
> 
> ...




I understand what you're saying and tend to agree that's there's usually more to things like this, but in some cases there may not be.

I have a sister who hates her in-laws purely because of how close her husband is to them, as my sister is quite a jealous person.

The wife may have good reasons behind it and she may not. The OP needs to get to the bottom of it one way or another. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> it's possible but *it sounds like she made all the decision and booked the vacation without even telling him. that to me shows just how in control she is and he isn't .* Having been in the otherwise of this sometimes you just have to look at this objectively and decide if this is reasonable or not. Doesn't seem like the OP thinks it is. Could be he is a doormat to his parents too and hence the family struggle ?


True. I agree with you on that one. I wouldn't book a trip and invite my mum without discussing it with my husband. We would sit down and discuss it, and agree on all points first.


----------



## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

My MIL always hated me simply because I wasn't his ex who she adored. She was horrible to me and my son including verbal and physical abuse. He never stood up for me and never understood why I started refusing to be around her.

On the other hand, my husband hated my parents just because they are Christians and he is an atheist. He never wanted to see them either.

There has to be a reason OP's wife feels the way she does. The question is whether or not it's a good reason or a shallow one.


----------

