# Feeling sexually desired



## JJKKDM (Jan 7, 2017)

My wife and I have been together for 7 years. We recently had two children which are 19 and 5months. I know the kids pull alot of yenergy out of her but it seems like she isn't sexually attracted to me anymore. It's mostly me who initiates or ask for intimacy and I'm beginning to feel like I'm more of a inconvenience than anything. 
Sex with her has always been great but now I'm just not feeling wanted. Any advice on what I can do to turn this trend around?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

It's normal. Hormones play a big part in the first year after birth (especially if she's still nursing the baby). Her sex drive should come back. I would mention that it's an issue for you though and that perhaps she could 'help you out' when she's really not in the mood. Having kids is tough, especially if they are so close in age. Good luck.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

JJKKDM said:


> Sex with her has always been great but now I'm just not feeling wanted. Any advice on what I can do to turn this trend around?


Discuss birth control and the dynamics of her getting pregnant right away again for a third child. This topic may be causing her anxiety. Make sure you two are both in agreement and support each other.

Her energy levels are likely taxed to the extreme from caring for two young kids. You should find any way possible to let her sleep a little extra and relieve her from taking care of the house. If you are able, hire a maid for a few days each month. Also hire a babysitter so she can get out of the house and feel like a normal person. You may even want to offer to take care of the kids yourself for a full day and let her have some space/rest. It is important that you _empathize_ with her for what it feels like to take responsibility of both kids for a full day. 

If she is breastfeeding, odds are she is getting "touched out" meaning that she has had too much personal contact with her body by the end of the day and just needs some personal space to decompress. Further pawing at her for intimacy can make her feel overwhelmed. Do NOT try and force her to get in the mood by rubbing and grabbing at her. Just tell her how beautiful and attractive she is, make it extremely easy for her to please you, and compliment her for doing so. She should respond very well to this as opposed to you pushing her to enjoy things and getting frustrated in the event she does not have the energy needed to get aroused. 

I would suggest the two of you have a long conversation about masturbation and make sure that you can both remain playful and support each other's views on the topic. Desire sometimes needs a little distance, but desire does not need to be hidden or shamed. 

Badsanta


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## release2016 (Dec 30, 2016)

Of course no one likes to feel like a nuisance but fwiw, take it from me, it's not about your wife not thining you desirable.

I take it you have explained to your wife that you would like to feel more desired and want her to initiate more. If you have, my guess is she will try harder but you have to realise that with all she has on her plate she might not be able to keep up any increase in initiating etc routinely or indefinitely. There will be ups and downs and I can only say, as personal as it feels, don't take it too personally. There's no instant or easy answer to turning the trend around but just do keep communicating as Badsanta said.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

release2016 said:


> There's no instant or easy answer to turning the trend around but just do keep communicating as Badsanta said.


Sometimes playful conversations can be way more erotic than anything else you have experienced. Hopefully you can give her the confidence to do this with you without feeling obligated to have sex, and in a way that makes both of you feel desired and complimented.

A very important aspect is for her to _appreciate_ your desire for her and find creative ways to nourish that even in moments that she may be exhausted. In order for this to happen, _communication_ is key!

Badsanta


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

IF she is breastfeeding... this could diminish her sex drive .....The hormone prolactin is greatly elevated during breastfeeding.... which lowers sex hormones estrogen and testosterone. 

The opening chapters of this book... The Alchemy of Love and Lust  gives a story of a couple who almost divorced over it.. neither of them knew WHY this was happening.. when they came to learn how normal it was for her to NOT be feeling it.. understanding "this will pass"... they had something to work with.. to better meet each others needs..

It's a common story... Will my libido return when I stop breastfeeding? | Ask MetaFilter

Breastfeeding and Libido: What Your Doctor Doesn’t Tell You About Sex


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

inmyprime said:


> It's normal. Hormones play a big part in the first year after birth (especially if she's still nursing the baby). Her sex drive should come back. I would mention that it's an issue for you though and that perhaps she could 'help you out' when she's really not in the mood. Having kids is tough, especially if they are so close in age. Good luck.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


^ This

Is she frequently rejecting you, or is it just a matter of you needing to be the one to initiate?


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## release2016 (Dec 30, 2016)

Also what's your wife's love language? 

You may be doing your utmost to help her in certain areas but do you know which area is the one to put most effort into to best help her feel appreciated, loved and yes, desired.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm guessing that the fact that you two have a mutual history of betrayal and that you are actively considering divorcing your wife because of that history, may be contributing strongly to the lack of great sex in your marriage currently. The tension of a bad or unhappy marriage, which I will assume yours is right now, on top of the stress brought by two very young children, is a very effective antidote to sexual desire. I would think that fixing the blazing resentment and trust issues in your marriage will be as important, if not more so, than figuring out how to navigate the infant and toddler years.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Rowan said:


> I'm guessing that the fact that you two have a mutual history of betrayal and that you are actively considering divorcing your wife because of that history, may be contributing strongly to the lack of great sex in your marriage currently. The tension of a bad or unhappy marriage, which I will assume yours is right now, on top of the stress brought by two very young children, is a very effective antidote to sexual desire. I would think that fixing the blazing resentment and trust issues in your marriage will be as important, if not more so, than figuring out how to navigate the infant and toddler years.


Ummm ... yeah ... this above would have been rather helpful as part of the OPs post ...


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Your issues go well beyond intimacy problems due to hormones, fatigue, whatever. You are both two very immature people. I suggest counseling for both of you, only for the sake of those two poor babies. Smh.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/363313-bad-enough-divorce-over.html


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Your issues go well beyond intimacy problems due to hormones, fatigue, whatever. You are both two very immature people. I suggest counseling for both of you, only for the sake of those two poor babies. Smh.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/363313-bad-enough-divorce-over.html


Even mature people of capable of indiscretions when feeling lonely and/or hurt. I do agree with @PhillyGuy13 that some counseling would help. So that both of you are _aware_ of what are realistic expectations and how to manage that when it is very different from what you want. Otherwise you two will continue hurting each other. 

Problems are not always bad, but sometimes what caused them is taken for granted. For example you took for granted that she would be emotionally loyal to you even during bad fights. 

Badsanta


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Breast feeding kills your sex drive. I had ZERO interest in sex during those first 6 months, then once the baby started eating solid and nursing less, it came back with a vengeance. Do more for her, expect less from her and she will come back to bed with you as long as that's her norm. Me and my H AR like two Randy teenagers so once the nursing ended it was a ridiculous amount of sex again hahahah


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

JJKKDM said:


> My wife and I have been together for 7 years. We recently had two children which are 19 and 5months. I know the kids pull alot of yenergy out of her but it seems like she isn't sexually attracted to me anymore. It's mostly me who initiates or ask for intimacy and I'm beginning to feel like I'm more of a inconvenience than anything.
> Sex with her has always been great but now I'm just not feeling wanted. Any advice on what I can do to turn this trend around?


Perhaps your W is 100% in the mom role with precludes the W roll for you? Couples fall into this rut and a majority not realizing it. Other than your W mom duties, etc. do you take your W away from the mayhem as often as you can? Or are you part of the mayhem?


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## JJKKDM (Jan 7, 2017)

She doesnt always reject me when I ask for intimacy but when we do have sex its more like a chore for her. I know my wife and what makes her feel good and I can tell shes not really enjoying it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

JJKKDM said:


> She doesnt always reject me when I ask for intimacy but when we do have sex its more like a chore for her. I know my wife and what makes her feel good and I can tell shes not really enjoying it.


Well, does your W see you as one of the children, perhaps a chore or something else that just needs something because that is all she see all day? 18/5 months generally needs something all day every day. What is your roll in day to day in the home?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This could be related to your other thread. 

Also could be PPD. Get her to go see her Doctor. They can run blood work to see if her hormones are out of wack.


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## Stack (Mar 14, 2016)

JJKKDM said:


> She doesnt always reject me when I ask for intimacy but when we do have sex its more like a chore for her. I know my wife and what makes her feel good and I can tell shes not really enjoying it.


My wife and I had our first two 19 months apart.

Two kids. Those ages. Breastfeeding? Caring for two kids is new. It's not just one extra kid. There are now two very needy and demanding little people. She's probably exhausted mentally, emotionally, physically. At one point, my wife said a six hour reprieve was too short (our second daughter has Down Syndrome). I also know dedicated mothers get better at mothering and five months isn't a great deal of time to adjust caring for, as I said, two very needy and very demanding kids. 

Remember, she's giving all day because that's what toddlers and babies require/demand of their mother. It's quite possible she is "gived-out" and sex is just one more thing to give. Do not take it as a "vote" on whether she sexually desires you. If she's breastfeeding, she's won't be in the mood... there is nothing sexy about sore breasts, sore nipples, leaking, and "let-down" is especially adept as a mood killer. 

Yes, sex is another item on her list... remember, she's still having it with you. I would argue, that a woman who is not sexually attracted to her husband, would not have any sex with him... period. None. Nada. Zilch. There are way too many rationale excuses at her disposal to avoid sex with you if that's is what she wanted. With that said, do not have a lengthy exhausting talk with her.


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## ZDog377 (May 31, 2015)

I went through the same thing with my wife. She said multiple times that she was "touched out". Our youngest is now two and it's sort of normal but I still feel like she treats it like a chore. I have noticed a big difference when I do more around the house or take the kids for a few hours.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

ZDog377 said:


> I went through the same thing with my wife. She said multiple times that she was "touched out". Our youngest is now two and it's sort of normal but I still feel like she treats it like a chore. I have noticed a big difference when I do more around the house *or take the kids for a few hours*.


I think this is key. Give her a break so that the kids aren't hanging on her all the time, and she'll be less likely to be "touched out," right?


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## ZDog377 (May 31, 2015)

As another note, does she complain about it being painful when you do things sexually? My wife had some scar tissue build up from her three c sections that were causing discomfort and that caused her to shy away from it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Not everyone's sex drive tanks while breastfeeding. I breastfed each of my children into toddlerhood and it did not impact my sex drive at all. I didn't even know it was a thing until reading on here.

That being said, it appears that there are other matters contributing to the issues in this marriage. Those issues need to be addressed first.


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## POV3486 (Jan 18, 2017)

Listen...
I am a woman and have had three kids...this type of crap happened to me each time. I don't know how young you guys are...I was 23, 25, and 28 when I had my kiddos...and I am almost 31 now. My sex drive was nothing compared to now even before kids. But let me tell you, just be patient with her. My husband and I went through three terrible dry spells after each of our kids. It's natural. I exclusively breastfed and prolactin is a ***** which steals your sex drive. When you are a mom to kids still in their infant years something happens to a woman that makes her totally kind of switch off the wife and turn on the mother. I can't tell you why exactly, but it happened each time to me. I tried my absolute best to pay as much attention to my husband as I could, but honestly, when he got home all I could think about was how much I needed him to take the baby so I could go pee by myself without putting the baby down and crying because I am a stay at home mom so my whole life and situation changed when I became a mom. 

It takes a little bit for that wife and woman part of someone to come back. I think hormones are a huge reason why this happens, especially when breastfeeding. And...also note that the longer I went without sex, the less I wanted it. It is definitely something you desire when you're already getting some. I think a lot of times as a mom, especially with children as young as yours are, a women gets so used to sacrificing herself that I, in particular, found that sex was just something else I could do without so that I could sleep. Also, there was a huge amount of guilt the longer and longer we went without it...almost making me avoid it just because he would say something about how long it had been or how much he missed it...adding to the guilt moms already have about whatever other shortcomings either as a mother, or employee, or woman they are feeling...she's probably feeling a little bit a failure in at least one aspect of her life. Motherhood takes up so much energy. How does she feel about her postpartum body?

As far as what you can do as her husband...be there for her...tell her you love her...if you love her body...tell her...approach her about it...does she know that most men find the lack of sex drive in their partner to signal a lack of attraction and acceptance? I always loved my husband through all of the postpartum periods and I didn't realize that my lack of sex drive was making him question my attraction to him...which never wavered. Don't pressure her...pleasure her...as often as she'll let you...Sex is the kind of thing you desire the more you have it. Do the babies ever interfere? Cry or fuss? It can be difficult, especially if you're cosleeping...like we did. Keep reassuring her and offer to the take the baby, clean up the house every once in awhile...seriously, the more you offer to take off her shoulders the more relaxed she'll be and more receptive to sex...if she's astronomically stressed...the sex drive is the first to go. 

Don't lose hope...my kids are now 7, 5, and 2 and I can't get enough of it. Our sex life is better than before children...partly because I think it skyrockets after about 29 for women and because my husband has been there for me every step of the way. I also started weightlifting and my body image has benefited from that so i'm more confident while naked. Try new positions...lights on..lights off...lots of foreplay. 

She'll get there.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Correction, she might get there. Other than that, good post


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## POV3486 (Jan 18, 2017)

True. Hope it works out for you!


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