# I'm freaking out



## Unwind80 (Aug 15, 2012)

I was just served paperwork for divorce. My wife assures me that she wants to attempt reconciliation. She assures me that this is all a mistake. She says she is still pissed, and this will not be an easy fix, but I am certainly already aware of that.

I told myself not to read the paperwork, but I did. I told myself not to freak out, but I did. 

I need to contact a lawyer. I need to stop this. I need to pay for this. I need to calm down. I am not one to lose my cool, but I am hyperventilating.

Her assurance should be enough, but its not doing the trick right now.

I just needed to come in here and vent. Thanks for listening.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

She served you THEN said those things?


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## Unwind80 (Aug 15, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> She served you THEN said those things?


Yes. She told me a few days ago that she wasn't sure if she stopped the process soon enough (she tried), so it wasn't a complete surprise. I was ok for the first hour, and then just lost it. I guess that's when reality set in.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

I'd ask her how she mistakenly signed the divorce petition and exactly what she's done to correct that mistake.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

You could be in for a mistaken divorce. Believing her would be a great way to get more from the divorce. (Her getting more that is)


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

jdlash said:


> You could be in for a mistaken divorce. Believing her would be a great way to get more from the divorce. (Her getting more that is)


Huh?


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## Unwind80 (Aug 15, 2012)

jdlash said:


> You could be in for a mistaken divorce. Believing her would be a great way to get more from the divorce. (Her getting more that is)



She is NOT vindictive or backhanded. I told her that I would be talking to an attorney, because I won't let this happen by accident. I believe that at this point, paperwork needs to be filed to counter the current paperwork. Sheesh, I can't believe this is happening.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

Contact an attorney and explain the situation and let the attorneys fix the "apparent mistake".. OR.. your new attorney will advise you otherwise based on the conversation between the two opposing counsels.


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## Unwind80 (Aug 15, 2012)

donders said:


> I'd ask her how she mistakenly signed the divorce petition and exactly what she's done to correct that mistake.


I didn't realize that she needed to sign anything. That would be a good question, but being the 'nice guy' that I am, I don't want to rock the boat by questioning her sincerity.

I still haven't read the nice guy e-book. My gut tells me not to go there, would the book tell me otherwise?


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

At least in my state, anything drawn up by the attorneys and submitted to the courts, that represents the wishes/demands/intentions of their client must be signed and notarized by the client.

Remember, those words are really coming from HER, the attorneys are (supposedly) just making it legal.


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## Unwind80 (Aug 15, 2012)

Ok, I will definitely be speaking with an attorney in the next few days. I don't know anyone that has needed an attorney in my area. I know I am supposed to go with word of mouth recommendations, but where do I start if I can't find any of those? I'd rather not start flipping through the phonebook or internet.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

I don't know.

I went through 3 different attorneys during my divorce and I wasn't thrilled with any of them. They all made mistakes and were not very efficient especially given the exhorbitant rates they charge.

If I was going to require an attorney again I'd research local cases that have been decided by the courts, freely available online and call a few attorneys that were on the winning sides of those decisions.

Do some internet searches on divorce attorneys in your area, read their websites, I know it doesn't tell you what they're really like but it could give you some ideas.

I just did a quick search in your area. This firm has several reviews (which I didn't read) and they even publish recent decisions in cases they represented.

Recent Results | Arizona Family Law Cases | Phoenix Criminal Defense Charges | The Baker Law Firm, AZ Attorneys

But you're usually better off with an attorney who specializes in matrimonial law. This one particular firm seems to handle divorce cases "on the side".. their main focus is on criminal law.

Like I said it's just to give you an idea of what to look for.


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## Unwind80 (Aug 15, 2012)

Thank you Donders, I appreciate the advice. I will follow those leads.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Unwind80 said:


> Thank you Donders, I appreciate the advice. I will follow those leads.


Read this as soon as you can:

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Read this as soon as you can:
> 
> https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf



"as soon as you can" means NOW.

Don't talk to your wife unless you know how detrimental your "nice guy" traits are to your life.

For crying out loud, your wife has served you divorce papers and you're worried about "rocking the boat"?!

Man the f*** up.


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## Unwind80 (Aug 15, 2012)

Thanks for the kick in the a$$, I need it. There just aren't enough hours in the day lately, but I'll make this a priority.


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## Unwind80 (Aug 15, 2012)

For anyone who's interested, they make this in audio book form. $25 at Audible.com.

I'll be learning to be a better man on my way to and from work.


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## sleeplessindesert (Aug 25, 2012)

For those of you intererested. I am the wife. I did not sign papers. I e-mailed my attorney last week and told him not to file and did not hear back from him.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

sleeplessindesert said:


> For those of you intererested. I am the wife. I did not sign papers. I e-mailed my attorney last week and told him not to file and did not hear back from him.


So, what exactly is going on?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I read your original thread.

You are extremely apologetic for who you are. Your wife (who is reading all this and sometimes posting) is taking advantage of it all. It can only lead to emotional abuse (which I'm sure you've already been subjected to by her).

Based on the trend of her actions in the past few months (initiating separation, filing for divorce and not apologizing for doing so), she can't be trusted with her commitment. 

I wouldn't re-enter the marriage without requiring her to step down her sniping tower. She's sitting up there with a scope analyzing and judging all your actions, while you seem to be constantly walking on eggshells. She will shoot you down the moment you slip (at her time of choice).

That's no way to live.

She has to feel grateful for having you as her husband. She MUST apologize for misleading you about reconciliation while she had filed for divorce.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

synthetic said:


> I read your original thread.
> 
> You are extremely apologetic for who you are. Your wife (who is reading all this and sometimes posting) is taking advantage of it all. It can only lead to emotional abuse (which I'm sure you've already been subjected to by her).
> 
> ...


synthetic/nebuchadnezzar,

I think she followed him here because he was starting to make sounds like he was going to stand up for himself.

That sort of thing must be stopped immediately.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

sleeplessindesert said:


> For those of you intererested. I am the wife. I did not sign papers. I e-mailed my attorney last week and told him not to file and did not hear back from him.


To my knowledge an attorney cannot file divorce papers on behalf of their client without their client signing those papers and notarizing them.

You "left a message not to file the divorce papers", you didn't hear back, and yet the papers were filed without your knowledge and consent?

You weren't aware this was happening?

Now that you ARE aware this happened, did you contact your attorney and tell them to correct their grevious error?

An accidental divorce filing is a big deal.

If I was you I'd be at your attorneys office first thing Monday morning screaming at them to fix this without billing you an additional dime (and make sure they don't bill you fees related to the filing).

If I was your husband I wouldn't take your word for it that this was an accident until and unless I hear otherwise.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

donders said:


> To my knowledge an attorney cannot file divorce papers on behalf of their client without their client signing those papers and notarizing them.
> 
> You "left a message not to file the divorce papers", you didn't hear back, and yet the papers were filed without your knowledge and consent?
> 
> ...


I don't know what divorce papers look like, but, wouldn't Rat's copy either have her signature or not have her signature? In that case, it should be easy to answer the question of whether she signed or not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Unwind80 said:


> I didn't realize that she needed to sign anything. That would be a good question, but being the 'nice guy' that I am, I don't want to rock the boat by questioning her sincerity.
> 
> I still haven't read the nice guy e-book. My gut tells me not to go there, would the book tell me otherwise?


She most likely had to sign a fee agreement with her attorney and put down a few thousand dollar retainer. Then she had to tell him what she wanted for the divorce.

What she means by what she told you is that when she spend thousands on an attorney and signed the papers she wanted a divorce and get the "pleasure" of seeing you squirm when you got the papers out of the blue.


Now that you have been served, she's not so sure about it.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I call bullsh!t on her story! Here's what I think is going on with her. She's either......... 
A) trying to punish you the way stupid little girls do with these false breakups because they know guys will treat them special once they get back together. 

B) she really wants a divorce but it too immature to confront you about it. Possibly grown child syndrome or borderline personality person..... you're be able to tell if she's always subcommunicating "you're supposed to take care of meeeeee!" or pity me and comfort me..... "I'm scared of you, please don't get mad or leave me!". And 

C) she's having an affair and divorcing you for another person but wants to keep you on the leash just in case she changes her mind...... again bullsh!t they rarely do. More like they enjoy all the intention and "I love you's" while they treat you like sh!t and make an easy comfortable getaway fooling you into staying "just friends" after divorce. 

Do not believe her "I didn't mean to story". She sat down and went through the paperwork herself with the intent on divorcing you. This was probably in her mind for a while and there was nothing you could do about it...... until now when you came here. Man up and follow the two simple rules #1 No excuses and #2 No exceptions. She wanted a divorce, so you show her what it's like being divorced by following the 180 to a T. Close your joint accounts ASAP! Take off your wedding ring yesterday! And for god sakes tell her "I don't want you..... to love me/stay married to me/trust me (take your pick)" because it's what she wants to hear and will drive her crazy. Seriously these words work but only if you say them and then follow through with the 180 ASAP!!!!

Pop quiz divorce newbie. What's the one thing all divorce>reconciliation books tell you from day one? The answer is to agree with them and stop chasing them. FOR GOD SAKES KEED THIS ADVICE! She may pretend to go along with you and reconcile but she won't mean it. That's why you have no choice, do NOT follow her orders and do what she wants to keep her. If anything tell her a big fat "NO!" with balls behind it, and then start making excuses to not be around her for more time then you have to. The less you want her the more it will drive her crazy "why doesn't he like me anymore?" or more importantly "what's gotten into him?". What was it.... He who cares least controls the relationship, or something like that? 

You have to follow the 180 and start behaving like you're divorced and don't want her. You don't need her..... because that's the only way she will respect you. Once she respects you and looks up to you she will find your manliness attractive. But if you wimp out and come crying to her trying to convince her you're what she wants...... she's going to sucker you in with that sh!tty cadaver sex, maybe claim you raped her to gain sympathy.... take your money and your stuff.... then give you a big good little girl grin and ask you to be friends..... but only until she's found someone else or moves in with him. Then you'll be dropped like a bag wasted husband parts she's digested and you won't hear from her until jonny rotten has broken her heart and she wants the comfort of knowing she can come back to you. Oh and if you take her back at that time she'll just do it again. No respect for you + you wimping out and fawning over the chance of being with her again + previous attempts that broke your heart = spells history repeating it's self and a lot of heartbreak for you.

Don't get me wrong and say I'm convincing you reconciliation can't happen. On the contrary, I'm one of the few guys here preaching that every marriage can be saved. It's that you have to at least agree and pretend you're happy about the up and coming divorce and then find your manliness once again. Maybe even get back into shape, date platonically, and do some volunteer work. That's all up to you later on. Right now your only focus is to get out of pain where she can't see how she's hurt you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sleeplessindesert said:


> For those of you intererested. I am thewife. I did not sign papers. I e-mailed my attorney last week and told him not to file and did not hear back from him.


Do you have a copy of the email you sent him in your email sent box? If so let your husband sign onto your email and let him see it there.

The damage is done whether you send the attorney an email to stop the divorce or not. You paid an attorney to file for divorce. He had probably already filed the paperwork when you sent him the email.

Now your husband has to respond to the divorce. So now he had to hire and attorney, respond and then the two of you need to work on having it withdrawn. It's going to cost you some money.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jdlash said:


> You could be in for a mistaken divorce. Believing her would be a great way to get more from the divorce. (Her getting more that is)


QUOTE=donders;1060138]Huh?[/QUOTE]

That’s right. If he ignores the divorce papers, she could have her attorney push them through to final divorce. She could put anything she wanted in the papers, like she gets the house, all their savings, etc etc and he has to pay per alimony out the gazoo for the rest of his life…. And she would get it all by default. 

He cannot ignore this filing. He has to pay an attorney, probably thousands in a retainer, to respond to the divorce and to counter propose whatever he thinks is fair. Or he's at her and the court's mercy.

The only way for this divorce to for her to do whatever is necessary to stop it. Otherwise the divorce is on.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

sleeplessindesert said:


> For those of you intererested. I am the wife. I did not sign papers. I e-mailed my attorney last week and told him not to file and did not hear back from him.


The fact that you have taken your manipulation game over here where there are thousands of people who can see through your dishonesty is quite telling of your 'entitled' approach to life.

I read Unwind's original thread, and it's interesting that despite being able to read much detail about this traumatic experience YOU caused him, there's little effect on your level of empathy for him. In fact, at some point in the thread, I think I read your post about how happy you were that people here were supporting him, as if that gives you a piece of mind in inflicting further hurt upon him.

Grow up.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

How are things going, Un?


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## Unwind80 (Aug 15, 2012)

Thanks for all the responses, and I apologize for my absence for the past few days.

I don't know about the relationship, but I am feeling better about myself. We were planning to go to Hawaii for a few days this week, but we got together on Saturday night and ended up in a big argument. We cancelled Hawaii, and I took off with the dog on a camping trip up north to the mountains. Just man, his pit bull, and a couple firearms for good measure  Didn't see or speak to another soul for 72 hrs. It was pretty awesome. I recommend the experience for anyone looking to get away. I got the idea from the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book. I'm going to try and do something like it once a year.

I appreciate all the input you folks have provided me with here.

A few things real quick:
1. My wife is not having an affair.
2. I don't think she is playing games, I think she is over-stressed, and doesn't know what she wants anymore.
3. I have finally accepted the fact that I will be ok with or without her.
4. The divorce filing was intentional at first. She changed her mind and tried to cancel it either later the same day, or early the next day, but it was already too late. Whether her signature is on the papers or not (it's not) is irrelevant at this point.
5. I am going to try and keep some distance between the two of us for a while until she can figure out what she wants.
6. I plan to move forward in our relationship, but the next time she makes any move towards divorce, its over.
7. I cannot help her anymore. She needs to figure things out for herself. ANYTHING I do hurts this process.
8. I'm at peace with all of this and it feels great. Fresh air can do some amazing things.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Unwind80 said:


> Thanks for all the responses, and I apologize for my absence for the past few days.
> 
> I don't know about the relationship, but I am feeling better about myself. We were planning to go to Hawaii for a few days this week, but we got together on Saturday night and ended up in a big argument. We cancelled Hawaii, and I took off with the dog on a camping trip up north to the mountains. Just man, his pit bull, and a couple firearms for good measure  Didn't see or speak to another soul for 72 hrs. It was pretty awesome. I recommend the experience for anyone looking to get away. I got the idea from the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book. I'm going to try and do something like it once a year.
> 
> ...


You sound like you're in good spirits, Un. I'm glad for you.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

How are you doing, Un?


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