# Wife had an emotional affair and wants a divorce



## thetectick (Jan 15, 2012)

Am a newcomer to this forum and am seeking advice, as I am in a mess and really don't know what to do now. Sorry about the long post.

My wife and I have been married for about 1.5 years and have a 10 month old baby boy. We were staying together for about 2 years prior to getting married and the reason we got married so soon was because she got pregnant. Although there were some major relationship issues at the time, mainly due to my family's objections to our marriage (a big deal for us, we are both Asian but from different countries), we both decided to commit to each other by getting married and working things out after.

The issues we had carried on into our marriage and I have to admit that I did not put in enough effort to resolve them. I also know hat she suffered through alot, especially with my family, who did not even attend our wedding and have only in the past 6 months begun to accept her as their daughter in law. Although we did fight on occasion, I assumed that this was a normal part of being a couple and never felt that things had gotten serious to the point of warranting an affair nor divorce.

In December, I noticed that she began chatting online this guy more and more often. I asked her about it, she told me it was just a friend from high school who was now living overseas and was coming back to the country and she was just asking him to help buy some items from overseas. She reassured me that they were just friends, that I didn't have anything to worry about because she was not in the least attracted to him.

When he arrived in the country, their communications became even more frequent and now included texting and calling as well even after she got the items from him. She was basically glued to her iphone most of the time she was awake and they texted each other until almost 2am sometimes. I confronted her that it was unacceptable for her to do this and again, all I got were reassurances that they were just friends and that he didn't have anyone else here to talk to, etc. At about the same time, she started going out for hours almost every day, seeming to have an endless number of errands to run. At this time, I was going nuts with suspicion and used the 'find my iphone' app to check where she was. I was surprised to see her at a cafe, and when I called up and asked her where she was, she lied and said she was somewhere else. My heart basically sank when she lied, not really expecting that she would ever have an affair, even after all the warning signs.

I confronted her that night and initially she lied about it, said she was there with a female friend and blamed me for spying on her. As if on cue, she got a text from the guy and I immediately grabbed the phone and saw it was a love text. Only then did she admit to having an emotional affair with him and proceeded to drop a bombshell on me and said that she had already stopped loving me for some months, that the guy wasn't the only guy she was seeing and that she wanted a divorce. I admitted that there were problems in our marriage but that I still loved her deeply and that we should think of our son and try to work on rebuilding our marriage together. She refused and in the end, all that I could get her to agree to was that she would stop the emotional affair with both guys she was seeing, but she insisted on continuing to be friends as he was too important to her as someone to confide in, and cried terribly because she had to end things with him.

After that we had a few more big fights because I subsequently discovered that she was meeting him in secret again and instead of apologizing, she said that I was too controlling and I was pushing her further away (and closer to him) by my keeping tabs on her and asked for a divorce again. Every time we argue, she seems to say things to intentionally inflict as much pain as she can.

She had a potentially serious infection and I felt that things got better after a few days of late night emergency room visits and me taking a few days off work to take care of her at home.

She agreed not to meet him anymore but today told me that she wanted to meet him again just to talk and say goodbye before he flew overseas again. I reluctantly agreed to it, but at the last minute, I asked her not to go and she immediately blew up again. She then repeated the same things about not loving me anymore and asking for a divorce again.

I feel really stupid, but even after all the lies, I still love her and want to work on getting her back and saving our marriage. I also really want our son to grow up having the love and care of both his parents. I am going crazy and really don't know whether to continue trying to win her back or if it really is too late to save our marriage. Please advise. Thank you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have you read the other threads here?

Begging will get you nowhere.

You also realize that they had sex, right?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to understand that she is very deep into the affair. It's very likely that she's actually taken it physical as well. Guy's don't tend to stay around doing sexting, and meeting up in cafe's without ever going to the next step.

So assume she's already gone PA.

Rule 1 with cheaters: They will lie and do anything to enable the affair to continue

Rule 2 with cheaters: Do not negotiate with them about the affair. Going back to rule 1, they are negotiating in good faith. They are only saying whatever you want to hear in order to keep the affair going.


Do not agree to ANY contact at all - not even a good bye.

She will tell you, that she will resent you if you don't let her go - LIE

she will tell you that if you let her go, this will really be it - LIE

the fact is she is like a drug addict looking for the next hit. She will tell you anything to get that one next hit. 

And like a drug addict the only way to stop is to actually stop. 

If you want her back - and her to stop - you need to stand your ground and not negotiate - not accept ANY contact at all with these OM and to have 100% full access to her email and texts and phone.

She will call you controlling - that's cheater talk for - I don't want you seeing what's going on.

She will call you non-trusting - and when she says that you reply "Yes, that's true I do not trust you. You betrayed my trust and now you need to work to earn back my trust".

You will not win her back by being soft or trying to be nicer to her.

You will only win her back by showing that you are the strong man who deserves her respect that she originally fell for. If you go soft and beg her to stay - she only sees a week pathetic man that she wants to leave.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Get tested for STD's (she admitted he is not the only one she is seeing (screwing).
2. See a lawyer for your options.
3. She has no respect for you or your marriage whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Add a paternity test to bryanp's list.
You can NEVER tell when the lying starts or stops once you discover you're the target.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

'Just to meet and say goodbye" Guarantee you that the meeting and saying goodbye will include a hop in the sack and her doing all he wants. Then she will come back and say she is confused and need you to be more understanding.

Run like hell. She is manipulating you and using you. It will always be because she is so understanding and cannot hurt him because he "LISTENED TO HER" when you didn't.

Wake up and quit being a NICE GUY.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You need to understand that she is very deep into the affair. It's very likely that she's actually taken it physical as well. Guy's don't tend to stay around doing sexting, and meeting up in cafe's without ever going to the next step.
> 
> So assume she's already gone PA.
> 
> ...


Shaggy is on the dot. Lies, lies and lies. You will get mad. You need to start 180 and stop begging.
Take care of yourself, and start collecting evidences.
Take good care of yourself.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

You have gotten good advice based on experence, take it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You will be served well by listening to all these good folk here at TAM.
The best advice here is no matter how weak you feel the only perception your wife needs to see is a confident man that can move on with out her. Additude is everthing here and your W most see a man that will dumb her in a heart beat. 

If she for one second thinks you are to weak to leave she will continue. She most believe that you are the baddest dude in town that can have any women.

Having the ego that makes your wife think twice that you can leave with no problem if she continues the affair. I know it hard but with out this additude she will walk all over you. Once she sees the new you that is in control and can make the "easy" dicision to either keep her or leave her...hopefully she will see that your willing to through her away if she continues and starts to second quess her own choices.

I understand you love her and will do anything, even beg, and apologize for her cheating on you, but right now you need to show an indifference to her and a clear and firm statement that if she continues then she is gone.


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## thetectick (Jan 15, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You need to understand that she is very deep into the affair. It's very likely that she's actually taken it physical as well. Guy's don't tend to stay around doing sexting, and meeting up in cafe's without ever going to the next step.
> 
> So assume she's already gone PA.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your advice. I tried to ask her to stop all contact with the OM but she would not agree to end the affair unless I agree to a divorce. She also refused to allow me access to her email/phone. Things got really bad last night, things got violent and she even brandished a kitchen knife at me, even though I was holding our baby the whole time.


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## thetectick (Jan 15, 2012)

bryanp said:


> 1. Get tested for STD's (she admitted he is not the only one she is seeing (screwing).
> 2. See a lawyer for your options.
> 3. She has no respect for you or your marriage whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


Thanks for the advice, will definitely go and get tested and talk to a divorce lawyer.


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## thetectick (Jan 15, 2012)

hookares said:


> Add a paternity test to bryanp's list.
> You can NEVER tell when the lying starts or stops once you discover you're the target.


Thanks, I will probably do that.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

thetectick said:


> Thank you for your advice. I tried to ask her to stop all contact with the OM but she would not agree to end the affair unless I agree to a divorce. She also refused to allow me access to her email/phone. Things got really bad last night, things got violent and she even brandished a kitchen knife at me, even though I was holding our baby the whole time.


That is insane. She's only stop being a scum cheater if you divorce her? It just doesn't make any sense.

You should have called the police and charged her with domestic violence.

Get a divorce - this one is an non-remorseful cheater. She's also violent to boot. 

You need to get her out of your house, and away from the baby too. See a lawyer and see about getting her charged as violent.


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## thetectick (Jan 15, 2012)

rrrbbbttt said:


> 'Just to meet and say goodbye" Guarantee you that the meeting and saying goodbye will include a hop in the sack and her doing all he wants. Then she will come back and say she is confused and need you to be more understanding.
> 
> Run like hell. She is manipulating you and using you. It will always be because she is so understanding and cannot hurt him because he "LISTENED TO HER" when you didn't.
> 
> Wake up and quit being a NICE GUY.


Thanks for the advice, since she has refused to stop the affair unless I agree to a divorce, I think it is time I talked to her seriously about separation and divorce.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

thetectick said:


> Thanks for the advice, since she has refused to stop the affair unless I agree to a divorce, I think it is time I talked to her seriously about separation and divorce.


No, it's beyond talking.

Tomorrow - separate your money from hers. Cancel any joint credit cards.

See a lawyer and being the filing for divorce process. 

there is no possibility of saving a marriage when the other person is so set on ending it.

btw - do not trust her. She may take the kid and try leaving.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

btw - I wouldn't be surprised if she was cheating on you before you got married. You may have been just one of the guys she was dating.

the kid may or may not be yours - you may have been the only one she could get to marry her.


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## thetectick (Jan 15, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Shaggy is on the dot. Lies, lies and lies. You will get mad. You need to start 180 and stop begging.
> Take care of yourself, and start collecting evidences.
> Take good care of yourself.


Thanks for the advice.


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## thetectick (Jan 15, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> No, it's beyond talking.
> 
> Tomorrow - separate your money from hers. Cancel any joint credit cards.
> 
> ...


We don't have any joint accounts, but the lease and car are in her name for convenience as we are staying in her country, which is extremely bureaucratic, although thankfully, we registered our marriage in my home country.

At this stage, our son is my main worry, but I don't know what I can do to stop her as I need to go to work (she has been staying at home since our baby was born). We are going back to my country in a few days, which she says she still wants to go so we can file for divorce.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

What country are you in?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thetectick (Jan 15, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> That is insane. She's only stop being a scum cheater if you divorce her? It just doesn't make any sense.
> 
> You should have called the police and charged her with domestic violence.
> 
> ...


I believe her violence was basically meant to provoke me to get me to hit her back so that she could pin everything on me and say the reason we are divorcing is because i am abusive. Unfortunately, I was unable to control myself and hit her back due to everything that happened and the fact that she wouldn't stop even after I told her she could accidentally hit our son instead of me.


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## thetectick (Jan 15, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> What country are you in?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Vietnam.


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## thetectick (Jan 15, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> btw - I wouldn't be surprised if she was cheating on you before you got married. You may have been just one of the guys she was dating.
> 
> the kid may or may not be yours - you may have been the only one she could get to marry her.


I am definitely going to try to get a paternity test done once we go back to my home country in a few days.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

thetectick said:


> Thanks for the advice, since she has refused to stop the affair unless I agree to a divorce, I think it is time I talked to her seriously about separation and divorce.


No. Don't talk to her about it. Club her round the head with it. Drop it in her lap. When she's faced with losing her husband, her home and her child, reality might set in. At the moment, you are just feeding her what she needs to sit on the fence and treat you like ****. Man up and recognise her for what she has become. A cancer. Cure her aggressively or cut her out of your life.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Get a voice activated recorder and keep it on yourself....record your conversations/encounters with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## britney5 (Nov 20, 2011)

I would agree that divorce is the best option in your case. She has emotionally checked out of the relationship and her heart is elsewhere. You deserve to find someone that will give their heart to you and only you.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

britney5 said:


> I would agree that divorce is the best option in your case. She has emotionally checked out of the relationship and her heart is elsewhere. You deserve to find someone that will give their heart to you and only you.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


Get a paternity test first. dont talk about divorce with her, drop the bomb on her in a most surprising way. 

I dont think that she actually need a divorce she is only manipulating you to get over her cheating as she know you are weak to loose her.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Check the dates! You resurrected a dead thread Britney
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Get out. 

Why are you still with this woman?

Why allow someone to belittle, use, humiliate, and cuckold you?


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