# Borderline personality disorder?



## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

Anyone have experience with this? My husband blames me consistently for his own emotional reactions. Everything is always my fault. I never quite know what's going to set him off. I've read "walking on eggshells" but it would be interesting to get other perspectives.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

He might be narcissistic rather than BPD. Check out vulnerable narcissist, there are two kinds.


----------



## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Easy enough to Google the symptoms and see if it's a match.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm fairly certain my stepmother, her daughter, and granddaughters all have/had BPD. One of her granddaughters has been clinically diagnosed with it. But it's rampant in all of them.

Here are the traits, some of which are attributed to narcissism, as well, that they all exhibit:

1.) They have a consuming sense of entitlement. They're all princesses who the world owes constant favors. If they don't get what they want, they pout, give you "the silent treatment," have outbursts (tantrums, really), and/or say extraordinarily mean, cutting things.

2.) They're drama wh0res. They live for drama. If there isn't any in a situation, they create some.

3.) They have zero accountability. Everything, and I do mean everything, is someone else's fault. Never theirs. "I'm sorry" is a phrase you'll never hear them say sincerely - if they do say it, it's for dramatic effect, only (see #2).

4.) They can be seemingly as sweet as cherry pie. Mere acquaintances who don't have to live with them think they're angels. When you do have to, you find it astonishing that these people could stand them, let alone think they're as great as they seem to. This is because they're great actors - again, see #2 above - they can pour on the charm with people they don't really need anything from - they can put out this whole other persona that isn't really what they are at all. They love to be thought of as this wonderful person that they are not - it boosts their underlying deeply insecure egos.

Since I also lived with a narcissist for 27 years (I really hit the Family Jackpot, didn't I?), I can tell you the main differences between those with NPD and BPD: Narcissists are not purposely manipulative. They're controlling (because they think they truly know everything, and it's their duty to educate the ignorant masses), but they don't play games like those with BPD do. Narcissists are incapable of empathy. Those with BPD know what buttons to push to get what they want because they actually can empathize. Sometimes, their empathy can be genuine (or at least seem to be - remember, they're actors), to the point that you really feel connected to them. And then, they can turn on you in the blink of an eye, when they decide you're not giving them 100% of what they feel they're entitled to. You can never truly feel connected to a narcissist (at least, not the non-vulnerable kind, like the one I was married to), because they're incapable of being in touch with their own, or anyone else's, emotions.

I could go on all night. The important thing is I'm not bitter.


----------



## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

Yeah, I'm pretty sure my STBXW is BPD (high functioning). I'm the type of person who thinks horoscopes and depression drugs use super vague lists of symptoms in order to get people to see it everywhere, but I looked at the BPD list and it nailed my W nearly top to bottom on some pretty specific stuff. Childhood abandonment, inability to apologize, blame shifting, rewriting history, the 'splitting' from thinking I was the best thing on earth to the lowest scum, and so on and so forth. I've read 'Walking on Eggshells' and 'Splitting' recently, and they both fit (the latter is describing her court case actions better than any Nostradamus prediction).

BPD's are incredibly difficult, and won't change without help. The books say some do change, but they have to see the need themselves in a rare moment of honest self-reflection.. and they rarely allow themselves to see fault. If you're already 'split black' by them, there's no way in hell they'll listen and see a therapist.. and if they go in without honestly wanting help, they'll manipulate the therapist unless the therapist is incredibly canny and experienced with BPD. These people are professionals, but they only know what they're told, so liars have their way with them.

It's sad, because the BPD experts seem to indicate that they think it's more of a poor emotional reaction than active manipulation. They have 'emotional truths' which rewire their memory, and they believe it instead of consciously gaslighting. I'd have sympathy if they weren't so damned difficult and even dangerous.

Anyway, enough ranting.. did you have any specific questions? The two books above are the main resources I found helpful. I tried bpdfamily.com, but to be honest it seemed to me more like a clearinghouse for discussion of any sort of poor behavior under the umbrella of 'BPD' rather than discussion and advice tailored to BPD specifically. YMMV.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

You nailed it, truster. BPDs are manipulators, while NPDs are poor emotional responders. Either way, you're screwed.


----------



## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> I'm fairly certain my stepmother, her daughter, and granddaughters all have/had BPD.


Consider the possibility that it just might be you.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Livvie said:


> He might be narcissistic rather than BPD. *Check out vulnerable narcissist, there are two kinds*.


Does this fit ...

Two Types of Narcissists Pose Somewhat Different Challenges - There are "vulnerable" narcissists and "invulnerable" NPs.

A piece of the article on this type...



> *The Vulnerable NP*
> 
> Vulnerable narcissists (VN's) tend to be more sensitive, often see themselves as victims of those who don't understand how superior they are. Just like those with BPD, vulnerable narcissists tend to be preoccupied with fears of rejection and abandonment. They and may feel helpless, anxious and depressed when people don't treat them as they desire.
> 
> ...


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

header said:


> Consider the possibility that it just might be you.


Both my stepmother and step-niece have been institutionalized - my stepmother was Baker Acted (taken by police to a psych ward at a hospital for three days) when she flipped out one night while drunk and on pain killers and called them to come help her apprehend the man she was sure was trying to break in to her house. My step-niece has been in mental institutions three times that I know about - the last time after she told her half sister who was six years old at the time that she was going to cut her wrists and started trying to do that in front of her.

Then there were the several times I witnessed while living with my Dad and stepmother when she did not speak to him, even when spoken to - not one word - for one or two weeks at a time. It was so much fun to be asked to please tell my father that she said he could go to Hell while he was sitting right there. I'd ask him why she was upset with him, and when he'd tell me the reason, it was always ridiculous. He said XYZ in one of their many arguments (I'd also witness her picking fights with him out of nowhere), and she didn't like it, so now she was ignoring him. 

I could tell many more stories of the outrageously mean things she, my stepsister, or her daughter have said over the years when things weren't exactly the way they wanted them. And I'm not talking about things said to me - I'm talking about things I've heard them say to my father, or their husbands or boyfriends. My stepbrother is estranged from his sister and has been for years. He has said, "She's just like our mother, and now her daughters are on track to be just like her."

But you're right. I'm the one with the problem.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

They do not only from a genetic point of view but also from a behavioral stereotype point of view. The second often being more important than the first...


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> You nailed it, truster. BPDs are manipulators, while NPDs are poor emotional responders. Either way, you're screwed.


you are screwed because if your spouse is truly BPD or NPD you will never have a 'normal' mutually loving relationship. BPD and NPD are incapable of mature selfless love. you are doomed healthy amount of misery.


----------



## carolyndanb (May 10, 2016)

PenguinCat said:


> Anyone have experience with this? My husband blames me consistently for his own emotional reactions. Everything is always my fault. I never quite know what's going to set him off. I've read "walking on eggshells" but it would be interesting to get other perspectives.


Hi there. My husband suffers with BPD. We've been together almost 10 years, married almost 8, and have 6 kids. I'm at my limit lately. Not sure what to do. I confronted him yesterday regarding a behavior and once again everything is all my fault. I'm bone tired. 

Sent from my Z932L using Tapatalk


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I do sooooo love how the "norms" talk smack about my people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Step 1: don't try to diagnose him yourself, especially based on what you read on line. You're not capable of making this assessment, and even if you were right about it, you labelling him will antagonize the sitatuion further.

Step 2: go and talk to someone about your worries. Because if he is BPD, you need to tread very lightly, and interesting one of the hallmarks of having BPD is thinking those closest to you have it, not yourself.


----------



## LittleRed (May 12, 2016)

I was diagnosed with bpd at 16. I did a short stint at a metal hospital for it back then. It is absolutely ridiculous people are saying you won't ever be able to have a good relationship and that bpds are incapable of changing. With help he can change. When I was having "episodes" it felt like I was out of control and i felt all my pain and emotions at once, intensified. It felt like no one could understand me and I would always be alone inside. I was a hurricane of emotion destroying everything in my path. I let it control me till I had my own kids. I decided to learn to control it and talk about it. It took a lot of work, and I know it was really hard for my husband. But I haven't had any outburst in 6 years, I don't lie or manipulate anymore. But change depends on if he's willing and if your willing to work through it with him. It's not all on you and it's not your fault he's this way. We tend to destroy the people we love the most. Don't let him destroy you, seek counseling.


----------

