# Are kids a good enough reason to stay?



## Not_sure _what_to_do (Jul 27, 2010)

My marriage is a mess and I feel we are just different people. I want to leave and start over but we have 4 kids under 12. I don't want to leave because of what it will do to them not to mention I am not sure how we could manage them on our own. I love my kids but I feel like I am giving up my life if I stay. To live your life unhappy is not living. It's not like we fight all the time but we do disagree on how things should be. I want to LIVE my life and feel that if I am not happy I should but cant seem to do it to them and feel like I'm in a cage.

What do you think?


----------



## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

I don't think they are a good enough reason to stay in a marriage but they are a good reason to try to work on you marriage and reconcile your differences. At one time you were in love and at some point fell apart.

My reasoning for not staying together if you are unable to reconcile things is it will eventually lead to other things that are more destructive like affairs or total resentment of each other, neither of which is good for the kids either.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

What kind of environment are you providing for the kids right now? Are you fighting in front of them? Do they sense the conflict? Or are you able to hold things together in front of them?

Unless being together is hurting the kids, I would try to work on the marriage, and try to find some ways to live life without breaking your vows. Get out more often - talk to friends, etc., etc.


----------



## Epiphany77 (Aug 2, 2010)

im not an expert ir anything but i do know that kids are never a "reason" to stay in a relationship. they are always the ones who get hurt in the end. if two people no longer love each other anymore, pretending for their sake isnt what will make things right. when they find out(because they will) it will hurt them to know that u guys were living a lie. ive seen it happen to many friends of mine inckuding myself. i felt like was lied to because i wanted to be like my parents, all loving and crap. but to find out that is wasnt true really hurt. besides that what would you be teaching them about love and life by doing this. u feel like they should and maby the will appreciate the sacrifice of staying ina loveless marriage, but time will tell a different tale. if you guys can collectively decide to stay together for the sake of your children, then i dont think a divorce is what u need. mabey counseling on the particular issue is. try stepping back and re-evaluating the situations. look at things from a different perspective and try to see ur marriage thru their eyes. dont know if this helps but Good Luck!


----------



## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I still think that kids are not a reason to stay in a marriage but they are good enough reason to TRY to work on your marriage. If after working out on the marriage everything fails then try to get divorced. But don't rush to D without having tried EVERYTHING possible to save your marriage. I am currently going through divorce that I did not ask for. Even though H has/had an affair I was willing to hear his side of the story(which never happened) and then try to work on our marriage. Instead he just filed for divorce and now my 20 month old will grow up without many things that revolve around normal family structure.

Even if there were no kids involved and there is no physical/emotional abuse going on people should still try to do what they can before they throw in the towel. 

To me divorce is just the easy cowardly way out of a marriage for people that thought that things JUST happen in marriage without any work or effort by BOTH spouses.


----------



## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

I agree with 'notreadytoquit', It goes both ways, I miss my girls like all heck!!!, I miss having my daughters with me like I used to almost 24/7, I can see the difference in them, and feel that they are trying to adjust and realize what's going on, I want to believe it will all work out for everyone, but I also realize the relationship they were seeing (lack of passion and intimacy) was not a good model, but is separating or divorcing any better?:scratchhead:..it's a tough question that I guess depends on the dynamics of the relationship...but definitely try everything possible, worst case when they're older is you can tell them 'WE TRIED EVERYTHING POSSIBLE" to be a family.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

notreadytoquit said:


> I still think that kids are not a reason to stay in a marriage but they are good enough reason to TRY to work on your marriage.



:iagree:


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I think it's imprtant that people try to explore the actual reason they are not "happy". I think there is too much of this Jerry Mcguire "you complete me" thing going on. It is the individual's responsibility to be happy. 

LIL


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

LIL - you had me at hello...


----------



## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

I think this is the hardest question to answer. I asked my therapists today and I can honestly say I still don't know. She did make me make a pros/cons list for both staying and going. I do believe my list is leaning towards me leaving but each situation is individual so your list may point to working it out. 

~The Destroyer


----------



## tucdoc (Jul 29, 2010)

An interesting comment by lastinline that the individual is responsible for their own happiness. I told my wife that I can give her security and comfort, but I can't give her happiness. A friend disagreed and said I should tell her that I will try to make her happy. Whose responsible for happiness::scratchhead: the person, the spouse, both?


----------



## The Destroyer (Aug 3, 2010)

tucdoc said:


> An interesting comment by lastinline that the individual is responsible for their own happiness. I told my wife that I can give her security and comfort, but I can't give her happiness. A friend disagreed and said I should tell her that I will try to make her happy. Whose responsible for happiness::scratchhead: the person, the spouse, both?


If anyone knows the answer to this please write a book. I know this is the same thing to my DH and he says I CAN make him happy. I just think he needs to stand on his own and not lean on me. Oh who knows!

~The Destroyer


----------

