# Wife thinks I'm cheating



## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

I've been married for 3 1/2 years. I never cheated on my wife but there have been times it's looked suspicious. However that was years ago and we've moved past that. 

I work in an office at a computer all day. I have access to IM at work. I talk to two of my old roommates most of the time. I also have gotten chatty with my old roommate's subsequent roommate (if that makes sense). Needless to say it's a girl. I have no feelings for her at all but we just chat throughout the day. She's married and lives in NY, I'm married and live in RI. I have no notion of ever cheating on my wife or even hanging out with this girl. It's just nice to talk to someone instead of staring at numbers all day. 

A few weeks ago I signed in to gmail at home and I guess it saved my password so whenever we open a browser my google page loads - and when that happens any chats I'm in at work pop up. So my wife saw my conversations with this girl. It clearly upset her. I told her that she had no reason to think I was doing anything wrong, however I understood her frustration that her husband talked to another woman who she doesn't know for hours on end. I told her I wouldn't chat at work anymore. My wife is too important for me to even run the risk of ruining things with nonsense IMs. So for a month I did just that. 

The other day the girl emails me to tell me her and her hubby are expecting and she had some questions for me as my wife and I had our first baby last year. So I sign on and talk to her about morning sickness, doctor visits, work stuff etc. My wife sees it and now is not talking to me. 

I feel so terrible and I have no idea how to fix it. I told her that she emailed me about pregnancy stuff and my wife didn't care. I thought she would calm down overnight but to no avail. I am at a total loss as to what to do. Part of me totally understands her anger, but at the same time it really is nothing she should be worried about. I wish she had a job where she could be online all day like me. I would much rather talk with her than other people.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Some things are just not worth the trouble--and this is one of those things. Since your wife is sensitive to you communicating with other females, you probably need to completely refrain from doing that. In the mean time reassure your wife she is the only woman in your life. Make sure your life is transparent in all ways. Don't lie even about small things. In addition, made sure you have no time gaps. Your wife should then have no doubts.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Your wife knows full well your friend could have got the information she needed from many different sources but for some reason she chose you. So your wife suspects your friend’s motivations for contacting you. Believe me, women know women. Plus your wife also suspects your motivations for responding to your friend, more especially as you had told her you wouldn’t.

Bob


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

It sounds like you are getting something out of the friendship that you should be getting from your wife and it's very close to an EA.

You should never put a friendship with another woman before your wife, and you did that by once again having contact with that woman, even though you told your wife you wouldn't. Why should she trust you now?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Yes, the fact that you were unwilling to completely cut contact forever shows that she means something to you. 

Best suggestion and the right thing to do, would be to cut contact forever. Go to affaircare.com and look at sample no contact letters. You send it to her and let her know that you will no longer be "friends". Your wife is more important, and if you don't make this right now, you will have problems for a long time to come.

My H was involved in an emotional affair with a girl he worked with, and he actually didn't see anything wrong with it. Not until I printed him out the sexually explicit emails. But we got over that. Our current situation is that I found him talking to an ex girlfriend from out of state in the middle of the night. I was very uncomfortable and he refused to cut contact. Fast forward 5 months and we are on the verge of divorce. I'm left wondering if it's about my insecurities pushing him away or he has something going on with her. A wife should never be left to wonder. The truth is easier to get over than a half-truth.


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Yes, the fact that you were unwilling to completely cut contact forever shows that she means something to you.
> 
> Best suggestion and the right thing to do, would be to cut contact forever. Go to affaircare.com and look at sample no contact letters. You send it to her and let her know that you will no longer be "friends". Your wife is more important, and if you don't make this right now, you will have problems for a long time to come.
> 
> My H was involved in an emotional affair with a girl he worked with, and he actually didn't see anything wrong with it. Not until I printed him out the sexually explicit emails. But we got over that. Our current situation is that I found him talking to an ex girlfriend from out of state in the middle of the night. I was very uncomfortable and he refused to cut contact. Fast forward 5 months and we are on the verge of divorce. I'm left wondering if it's about my insecurities pushing him away or he has something going on with her. A wife should never be left to wonder. The truth is easier to get over than a half-truth.


I will not talk to her again, but that doesn't help my situation at home. Unless you suggest I show this "no contact" letter to my wife. 

Again, I know what should be done regarding this other girl, my concern is how to mend things with the woman I actually care about and love.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

RhodyHubby said:


> I will not talk to her again, but that doesn't help my situation at home. Unless you suggest I show this "no contact" letter to my wife.
> 
> Again, I know what should be done regarding this other girl, my concern is how to mend things with the woman I actually care about and love.


Show your wife the no contact e mail and send it with your wife there. Apologize , be open and honest and transparent and do not ever let another woman come between you again.


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Show your wife the no contact e mail and send it with your wife there. Apologize , be open and honest and transparent and do not ever let another woman come between you again.


I feel like utter crap over this. I know I need to apologize, but I feel that doing so will further the illusion that what I was doing was cheating. If I felt it was cheating I would say it here. I have no reason to lie to strangers on a message board who don't know me. I hope my rambling makes sense. 

God I'm dreading going home tonight.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Trying to convince her you weren't cheating misses the entire point.

Doesn't matter what you think ...

You're actions, in her mind balance out to two things:

1. You had an emotional investment in another woman.

2. You broke a promise about no further contact.

Two simple things to fix it.

1. Own your sh!t. Tell your wife the truth - and then live the truth. Apologize. Love your wife. Change your behavior.

2. Do not allow this to 'hang' over you. If you do step 1, there should be little reason for her to question your commitment, love and behavior. Nor should you tolerate it if in turn, mistrust and challenging you becomes her M.O. Do not allow this event to define the dynamic of your marriage. Step up.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

My husband also has emailed women in the past, telling me that it was nothing...however, when I did the same thing, it was a betrayal according to him...wtf? Double standards, perhaps?
If your female friend has a question about pregnancy, why doesn't she ask your wife instead of you? Besides, what would YOU know about it anyway? Nothing personal..women just know more about this than men anyway...unless you're an ob/gyn


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Some men have very bright lines which delineate what cheating is to them. Oral is not cheating, HJ is not cheating, hell some men think PAYING for it is not cheating.


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

HappyAtLast said:


> My husband also has emailed women in the past, telling me that it was nothing...however, when I did the same thing, it was a betrayal according to him...wtf? Double standards, perhaps?
> If your female friend has a question about pregnancy, why doesn't she ask your wife instead of you? Besides, what would YOU know about it anyway? Nothing personal..women just know more about this than men anyway...unless you're an ob/gyn


She's never met my wife. I think that's where the whole problem lies. My wife knows the ex-roommate (female) I talk to but doesn't know this girl - who is my ex-roommate's roommate after I moved out of the place. You think I should have my friend email my wife? 

On the one hand, I did tell her I wouldn't do it anymore and broke that promise so I understand why she's upset, but on the other hand I know my wife could see my gmail chat and if I were to cheat why would I do it in a way I know she can see? 

I know you'll say I'm just rationalizing because of my situation, but if the reverse happened I wouldn't be too upset with her. I trust her enough that IMs won't get me crazy. The problem is she's not very tech savvy. She doesn't use IMs. She just started texting last year. So I think she thinks it's more serious than it is. 

My friend's husband knows her and I talk at work and is fine with it.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

RhodyHubby said:


> On the one hand, I did tell her I wouldn't do it anymore and broke that promise so I understand why she's upset, but on the other hand I know my wife could see my gmail chat and if I were to cheat why would I do it in a way I know she can see?


That's where your biggest problem currently is--YOU LIED TO YOUR WIFE. Your wife now wonders what else you have done behind her back. It's a matter of restoring trust.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Would you walk up to your wife and tell her "You are not important to me?".

That's what you did. It's not about whether your communcation was innocent or not. It is a about how you value your wife's needs.


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

827Aug said:


> That's where your biggest problem currently is--YOU LIED TO YOUR WIFE. Your wife now wonders what else you have done behind her back. It's a matter of restoring trust.


Exactly. Need some advice on good ways to do that. I have a feeling flowers and an apology won't suffice.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, this thread really resonates and makes me realize how wrong my husband is. 

RhodyHubby, if my H cared about my feelings just a pinch of how you care about fixing this with your wife, we'd be fine.  

This is a trust issue. Apologize, offer marriage counseling, be completely transparent and give her access to everything, and CC her the email to this other girl. And then prove that you followed through with it all. You can make this right.


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Wow, this thread really resonates and makes me realize how wrong my husband is.
> 
> RhodyHubby, if my H cared about my feelings just a pinch of how you care about fixing this with your wife, we'd be fine.
> 
> This is a trust issue. Apologize, offer marriage counseling, be completely transparent and give her access to everything, and CC her the email to this other girl. And then prove that you followed through with it all. You can make this right.


Let's hope you're right.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So I'm reading about Ashely Judd and her claims she was raped as a child. And it turns out that that's not entirely true. Probably sexually assaulted in some way and psychologically threatened but not raped or penetrated. Her response to these counter claims is "If it's real to me, it's real."

So I guess when it comes to these matters, reality is whatever you say it is. If your wife thinks you're a cheating hound, that's what you are.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

R I have a feeling you don't understand and until you do trouble will reign in your home for sme time. 

Let me tell you how I see it and please think about it and don't take it as an acusation. You have some feeling for this girl, mild though they may be, which may be the reason you risked upsetting your wife to answer her email. 

Think about it, how many women asks a man about pregnancy, she has no girlfriend a mother maybe. You are not dense you knew that on some level but you could not resist the urge to contact her risking so much to contact her for something she already knew. 

This is what happened. Your insistence on not taking full responsiblity is another indication that you were on some level emotionally involved, it's called a fog, you may be hooked on the attension you know it is wrong but you seem to be deflected the the fact that you knowingly hurt your wife. 

This is not an accusation and may not be right but I put it out for your consideration. You have to accept that you did knowingly hurt your wife and work from there. 

You have to feel her pain with her that means stand in her shoes, with her perception not yours and try to feel what she feels. Then sincerely let her know that you know what you did and how you want to work with her to ease her pain and never hurt her again. 

There are problems in your relationship if you long to talk with your wife but feel you cannot and you are having substitutes for her. She know how perilous that is and so do you on some level. You are not getting what you need from your wife but first things first work on the trust issue and then work on meeting each others needs. 

One of the biggest mistakes a man can make is to minimize the concerns of their wives we don't think like you, accept that and speak her language. Make sure you teach her how you think as a man and make sure she speaks your language too. 

All is not lost, these things happen as you are settling early, if you handle it right, you make the relationship stronger. Please think about what you are doing, if you read about affairs, it is a matter of never putting yourself in a position to form an attachment to another woman. Just don't do it if you love your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> R I have a feeling you don't understand and until you do trouble will reign in your home for sme time.
> 
> Let me tell you how I see it and please think about it and don't take it as an acusation. You have some feeling for this girl, mild though they may be, which may be the reason you risked upsetting your wife to answer her email. Think about it, how many women asks a man about pregnancy, she has no girlfriend a mother maybe. You are not dense you knew that on some level but you could not resist the urge to contact her risking so much to contact her for something she already knew.
> 
> ...



THanks for the advice. You're absolutely right. I don't feel that anything is wrong, but I can totally see it from her perspective. It's not worth trying to convince her otherwise. 

I think of this other girl as a friend not as an affair, but she's not more important than my wife.  I've lost friends before so I can lose another one. 

That's a good first step towards repairing the trust, but I d'nt know how to proceed going forward. Would giving her all my passwords to email/FB help or would that just make her think I have stuff hidden elsewhere? Etc.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> So I'm reading about Ashely Judd and her claims she was raped as a child. And it turns out that that's not entirely true. Probably sexually assaulted in some way and psychologically threatened but not raped or penetrated. Her response to these counter claims is "If it's real to me, it's real."
> 
> So I guess when it comes to these matters, reality is whatever you say it is. If your wife thinks you're a cheating hound, that's what you are.


Run do you really think this is right. I agree that if her perception of what happened is accurate and it affect her adversely then her feelings are real. But if she misconstrued what happened than that is not right. 

It is ok to feel what you feel but not ok to make an accusation with no basis in reality. If she thinks he has a PA then she is wrong. I think this was an emotion affair only because be risked answering the email thus keeping up the contact. If he felt nothing why would he risk so much. 

No I don't like that he should accept doing something he did not do that is no good for him and no good for the relationship. 

You have a ribald sense of humour so I may not have gotten you here. If not sorry in advance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No it's not right or wrong. It's how people tick. Perception of reality is more important than the underlying facts. You can't respond to her external reality you can only respond to her interpretation of it. 

My wife is a textbook paranoid. No joke. Reality has little bearing on that. She believes what she believes. And no amount of counter-argument is going to change that. I'm not saying your wife is in the same dilemma but her perception of you is what it is. And if I knew her better I'd say that if you overcome this suspicion there would be another one down the road. Because that's her nature. 

Only you can try to figure out why that is and how to address it. Insecurity? Fear of abandonment? Lust for control? Power politics? Crying for attention? We don't know. You do.

All I'm suggesting is that the 'reality' of it is absolute rubbish.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

RhodyHubby said:


> THanks for the advice. You're absolutely right. I don't feel that anything is wrong, but I can totally see it from her perspective. It's not worth trying to convince her otherwise.
> 
> I think of this other girl as a friend not as an affair, but she's not more important than my wife. I've lost friends before so I can lose another one.
> 
> That's a good first step towards repairing the trust, but I d'nt know how to proceed going forward. Would giving her all my passwords to email/FB help or would that just make her think I have stuff hidden elsewhere? Etc.


Maybe others can weight in with better advice but I think I would first tell her you want to take a walk with her or a drive to talk. Before you do walk around in her shoes and really feel her. Then speak from your heart - if there are other things you have done along the same lines talk about those too. Repeat back to her what she told you she felt and then tell her you get it now. 

Ask her what you can do to make her feel better. 

Why did you have your fb and phone PW protected? I don't have anything protected from my husband. He can read anything at any time. You have to ask your self why you are doing things like this? Be brutally honest, do you like the attension you get from other woman? If you do you are skating on thin ice and your wife has ample reason to be concerned. 

Take all PW off and answer email in front of your wife and look at face book infront of her too. If anything is on that she would get upset about admit it now and tell her you get it. Stop all contact with women and get you need for attension from your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Maybe others can weight in with better advice but I think I would first tell her you want to take a walk with her or a drive to talk. Before you do walk around in her shoes and really feel her. Then speak from your heart - if there are other things you have done along the same lines talk about those too. Repeat back to her what she told you she felt and then tell her you get it now.
> 
> Ask her what you can do to make her feel better.
> 
> ...


I don't have my phone PW protected. We only have one computer so I didn't set our browser to remember the FB password since we both use it.


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

Zero hour is approaching. I'm dreading going home from work.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

RhodyHubby said:


> Zero hour is approaching. I'm dreading going home from work.


Did you read my advice above? do you think it is something you can do? If not today then as soon as you can. While you are waiting for the right time, be as loving as you can with your wife. 

Why do you dread going home? What do you think will happen?


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Did you read my advice above? do you think it is something you can do? If not today then as soon as you can. While you are waiting for the right time, be as loving as you can with your wife.
> 
> Why do you dread going home? What do you think will happen?


Well it'll probably be cold and quiet until I put the baby to sleep. She's waiting for me to say something, but I don't know what to say or where to begin. I'm not the worlds best communicator. I tend to stay quiet because to me saying nothing ensures I don't say something stupid. I'm very non-confrontational. It's just my nature. However I know I can't let another night go by where we barely talk. I just don't know what that talking will consist of.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

"I apologize for my behavior. I am sorry that you feel hurt. I love you. I will make things right and earn your trust."

She is going to expect you to try and dodge this ... which makes you look worse.

Surprise her. Step up.

Listen to what she has to say. Really listen. Don't be in 'cover my ass' mode.

What is your relationship like outside of the scope of this event? Are you guys close, romantic, communicative? Or are you both sort of mailing it in?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

RhodyHubby said:


> Well it'll probably be cold and quiet until I put the baby to sleep. She's waiting for me to say something, but I don't know what to say or where to begin. I'm not the worlds best communicator. I tend to stay quiet because to me saying nothing ensures I don't say something stupid. I'm very non-confrontational. It's just my nature. However I know I can't let another night go by where we barely talk. I just don't know what that talking will consist of.


R look at your first post and the fact that you, Mr. non-communication was able to communicate all day with this girl and another friend.

Now what happened to that communicative person when you are with your wife? Does she get on your case when you do talk?


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

Deejo said:


> "I apologize for my behavior. I am sorry that you feel hurt. I love you. I will make things right and earn your trust."
> 
> She is going to expect you to try and dodge this ... which makes you look worse.
> 
> ...


Like I said, I'm not the best communicator. She's better but not awesome. She lets things bottle up inside although she's getting better at talking them out before it gets to that point. 

Outside of this we are good. I am usually the one that screws up but never anything like this. More routine things like I say I'll be home at 5 but don't get home til 5:30. I'm sure that adds in to her frustration with me though. 

We are close, but between our jobs (CPA & teacher) and toddler we dont' have much time for intimacy these days. I've been working 55-60 hours a week and she gets up at 5 to get to school for 7 and is tired by 8:30. We usually go to bed together but don't have sex all that often.


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> R look at your first post and the fact that you, Mr. non-communication was able to communicate all day with this girl and another friend.
> 
> Now what happened to that communicative person when you are with your wife? Does she get on your case when you do talk?


That's different. My wife and I don't have awkward silences. I could talk to her all day. It's when we're angry or upset that I close up shop.


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

R didn't lie. He broke a promise.

Yeah, that might sound like splitting hairs, but one is a lack of integrity, the other a lack of self control.

Apologize specifically (i.e. "I'm very sorry that I communicated with her after I said I wouldn't. I wasn't thinking about you or your feelings like I should have been.").

Do the NC letter/email with your W then send it. Be very open with your accounts and cell phone - give her all of the passwords.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

RhodyHubby said:


> That's different. My wife and I don't have awkward silences. I could talk to her all day. It's when we're angry or upset that I close up shop.


why are you angry with her? She did do anything, she is just requesting that you honor your word, why would that make you angry?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

OOE said:


> R didn't lie. He broke a promise.
> 
> Yeah, that might sound like splitting hairs, but one is a lack of integrity, the other a lack of self control.
> 
> ...


This is it, perfect


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> why are you angry with her? She did do anything, she is just requesting that you honor your word, why would that make you angry?


I'm not angry with her. I was just saying that whenever we argue or have a situation that warrants discussions/arguing (although nobody goes into it wanting to argue) I get quiet.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

RhodyHubby said:


> Like I said, I'm not the best communicator. She's better but not awesome. She lets things bottle up inside although she's getting better at talking them out before it gets to that point.
> 
> Outside of this we are good. I am usually the one that screws up but never anything like this. More routine things like I say I'll be home at 5 but don't get home til 5:30. I'm sure that adds in to her frustration with me though.
> 
> We are close, but between our jobs (CPA & teacher) and toddler we dont' have much time for intimacy these days. I've been working 55-60 hours a week and she gets up at 5 to get to school for 7 and is tired by 8:30. We usually go to bed together but don't have sex all that often.


This you have to fix. That may be why you found the attension from this girl so difficult to resist. Sex is usually the way a man feels close, loved and connected to his spouse. Is this true for you how are you feeling about this lack of sex.


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> This you have to fix. That may be why you found the attension from this girl so difficult to resist. Sex is usually the way a man feels close, loved and connected to his spouse. Is this true for you how are you feeling about this lack of sex.


I'd like it more, but I don't think these two are related. I've never had a sex chat with this other girl. We just talk about TV shows we both watch, how ridiculous clients can be, etc.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

RhodyHubby said:


> I'd like it more, but I don't think these two are related. I've never had a sex chat with this other girl. We just talk about TV shows we both watch, how ridiculous clients can be, etc.


No no I did't mean you wanted sex from this girl, not at all. No your are right. But sex with your wife is important in and of it self. Not because it makes you want sex with someone else but it makes you feel a lack of the emotional connection with your wife. Some men get depressed feel that their wives don't love them or feel attracted to them.

That's what I meant.


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> No no I did't mean you wanted sex from this girl, not at all. No your are right. But sex with your wife is important in and of it self. Not because it makes you want sex with someone else but it makes you feel a lack of the emotional connection with your wife. Some men get depressed feel that their wives don't love them or feel attracted to them.
> 
> That's what I meant.


She doesn't have the same sex drive as me and she's admitted as much. I don't let it bother me. 

Sadly I turned her down the other night when she suggested because we were out of condoms and according to her calender she was close to ovulating and we don't want another kid yet.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

RhodyHubby said:


> She doesn't have the same sex drive as me and she's admitted as much. I don't let it bother me.
> 
> Sadly I turned her down the other night when she suggested because we were out of condoms and according to her calender she was close to ovulating and we don't want another kid yet.


that is the worst time to run out! Woman usually feel their horniest around that time. But no biggie get some on the way home.


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> that is the worst time to run out! Woman usually feel their horniest around that time. But no biggie get some on the way home.


LOL it'll be a miracle if I can parlay this f-up into sex.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

RhodyHubby said:


> LOL it'll be a miracle if I can parlay this f-up into sex.


You were never a boy scout were you, you'll get your "be prepared" merit badge if you get condoms on the way home.


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

Off I go. We'll see what the next 4 hours brings.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

BTW I take issue with your statement about not letting her lower drive bother you. I think you try but I don't see how you actually do.

some men think they should not feel the way they feel, I don't know if that is you but it is important to reveal your self and not make like everything is ok when it is not. think about it.

Good luck


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## anon_4_now (Mar 23, 2011)

Here is my .02... I have heartburn about some of the replies to you...

1. I'm not going to say that you "lied" to your wife. To say that would be to say that you intentionally mislead your wife through deception. You simply replied to the person you said you wouldn't. That was just bad judgement, not you lying.

UNLESS YOUR PREVIOUS CHATS WERE FLIRTY OR SEXUALY BASED... I don't think you have any type of emotional attachment to this other woman. I also have been asked by men and women about our kids and experiences... I've never once wanted to have sex or an emotional affair with any of them. We were talking about kids. How much more innocent could that be?

2. All that being said, I would talk with your wife about why she thinks you are wanting to have this affair that she's got in her mind. Unless there is the history or desire of pa or ea, it is completely natural for men and women to be friends/friendly. Especially about something as innocent as talking about a baby.

3. You have to be sensitive to her needs but you also deserve to know why she doesn't trust you to talk about everyday stuff (assuming it wasn't flirty) in chat with a woman. Attend to that specific emotional need, fix that and all will be ok.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I would not follow the advice above. It is a small thing to honor a concern of your spouse and to keep your word. If it is no big deal to chat for hrs with a woman then it should be no big deal to stop. It depends in the type of relationship you want. One where you decide her concerns are baseless or one where you try to accommodate her because you love her and the way she feels is more important than proving to her that she overreacts. 

I'll tell from a womans point of view, negating your wife's concerns is a big mistake. Women have problems when husbands dismiss them, makes them feel that they are not important to you. Your wife may respond by not placing importance on your needs. My advice dont start down that perilous road unless you want a marriage where you consider her request based on how important you feel they are instead of how important she thinks they are. Empathy can help sort out what is reasonable and what is not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anon_4_now (Mar 23, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I would not follow the advice above. It is a small thing to honor a concern of your spouse and to keep your word. If it is no big deal to chat for hrs with a woman then it should be no big deal to stop. It depends in the type of relationship you want. One where you decide her concerns are baseless or one where you try to accommodate her because you love her and the way she feels is more important than proving to her that she overreacts.
> 
> I'll tell from a womans point of view, negating your wife's concerns is a big mistake. Women have problems when husbands dismiss them, makes them feel that they are not important to you. Your wife may respond by not placing importance on your needs. My advice dont start down that perilous road unless you want a marriage where you consider her request based on how important you feel they are instead of how important she thinks they are. Empathy can help sort out what is reasonable and what is not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Clean your glasses, replace your contacts, or just rub your eyes a bit... I have no idea where you got all this from my post. Read it again. I NEVER even hinted that he should negate her feelings. In turn, she should not negate his feelings and basic human need of friendships. I stand by the fact that he needs to talk this out with her and find out why she thinks he's having an affair when all of the discussions were about the same thing he'd talk about with another man. I *never* said to carry on the friendship with the other woman.

No spouse (husband OR wife) should be forced to not have innocent friendships (still assuming this was 100% innocent). That can lead to resentment and control issues in the marriage. If there is that expectation, I never said to not honor that desire by their spouse... I said that he deserved to know why. 

As a matter of fact... I recall stating the following:


> 3. *You have to be sensitive to her needs* but you also deserve to know why she doesn't trust you to talk about everyday stuff (assuming it wasn't flirty) in chat with a woman. Attend to that specific emotional need, fix that and all will be ok.


You are a woman and I appreciate your opinion but in my opinion, it is not accurate that he should ignore his needs and run from any friendship with a female without understanding WHY she feels this way. Not all men are pigs looking to rut. He deserves to know why she thinks he is so he can work on that part of the relationship.

This thread seems to be 180 degree different from other posts on this site about healthy relationships. It seems like you are advocating that they don't talk this out so that both sides have a clear understanding of what happened and why. That is ALL that I was saying he needed to do. I also stated that he needs to not be so hard on himself to think that he is a lying dog.

Everything I stated is sound advice for a healthy marriage. Of course it's his choice to decide to take it or not.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

anon_4_now said:


> Everything I stated is sound advice for a healthy marriage. Of course it's his choice to decide to take it or not.


I agree the discussion that you indicate is something that should take place.

Couldn't shake the feeling that the OP has more than a little bit of 'fear' surrounding his wife.

To me, the stumbling block was that he indicated he wouldn't continue corresponding with her ... and then did ... and his wife was obviously keeping an eye out.

The OP presents as somewhat passive, so as you point out, definitely raises some questions about why his wife immediately presumes he is having an affair.

Net, net, I do not minimize that 'chatting' all day with another woman is simply a really bad idea.

To ignore the fact that the online realm is where many, many, affairs begin would simply be naive.


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## anon_4_now (Mar 23, 2011)

Deejo said:


> I agree the discussion that you indicate is something that should take place.
> 
> Couldn't shake the feeling that the OP has more than a little bit of 'fear' surrounding his wife.
> 
> To me, the stumbling block was that he indicated he wouldn't continue corresponding with her ... and then did ... and his wife was obviously keeping an eye out.


I agree and stated such in my original post to him. It was bad judgement but not a "lie" he was trying to sneak past his wife.



> The OP presents as somewhat passive, so as you point out, definitely raises some questions about why his wife immediately presumes he is having an affair.
> 
> Net, net, I do not minimize that 'chatting' all day with another woman is simply a really bad idea.
> 
> To ignore the fact that the online realm is where many, many, affairs begin would simply be naive.


Before online, it was phones, before phones, it was parking lot meetings, before parking lot meetings, it was homes, before homes it was bars, before bars, it was in the shed, before the shed, it was the cave... That doesn't mean that every cave, shed, bar, home, parking lot, phone, webchat is a hotbed for an affair. People drown in water, that doesn't = water is going to kill you. and to quote some famous smart guy.... Sometimes an apple is just an apple (or something like that). 

He is either not meeting a core need of hers or there is something she needs to discuss with him about her past so that he understands why she feels this way. 

Once they fix that need or deal with the issue from her past, SHE needs to work with him on how he can have healthy (NON INTIMATE) friendships with women. Otherwise he will need to carry around a stack of No Contact Letters and hand them to any woman who says something to him outside of the realm of business. He will then build up resentment for his wife and an even larger problem develops and spirals out of control. (I know, that's overkill. But so is thinking that every online chat will lead to an affair.)


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

anon_4_now said:


> People drown in water, that doesn't = water is going to kill you. and to quote some famous smart guy.... Sometimes an apple is just an apple (or something like that).


I understand the framework of your position, but the analogy is way off base.



> He is either not meeting a core need of hers or there is something she needs to discuss with him about her past so that he understands why she feels this way.
> 
> Once they fix that need or deal with the issue from her past, SHE needs to work with him on how he can have healthy (NON INTIMATE) friendships with women. Otherwise he will need to carry around a stack of No Contact Letters and hand them to any woman who says something to him outside of the realm of business. He will then build up resentment for his wife and an even larger problem develops and spirals out of control.


This ...
Something is out of place in their relationship completely outside of the context of the chats. And THAT is what needs to be addressed. 



> (I know, that's overkill. But so is thinking that every online chat will lead to an affair.)


As would be being oblivious to the possibility. If you knew a guy was messaging your wife consistently, over the course of the day, every day, and she told you "It's nothing ..." and you simply accepted that, you are courting disaster, regardless of what she tells you the relationship is.

Again, I agree with you ... they need to have a conversation, and it shouldn't be one that the OP 'fears' having.

Haven't seen him yet ... hope she didn't strangle him in his sleep.


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

I'm here. I'm alive. 

Had a long talk with the wife last night. As I said I'm not great at sharing my feelings or putting my feelings into words. We worked through it. 

The jist of it was she didn't understand how or why I could talk to this girl who I've only met twice, and never mentioned her existence to my wife for hours on end. I understand that she's upset because some days I talk to this girl more than I talk to my wife - even if it is mindless drivel. 

She doesn't want anybody I talk to online to become a substitute for her - which I totally agree with and don't want to see happen either. We discussed a bunch of stuff besides this. All in all it was for the best and I think the marriage will come out stronger in the future. 

I'm tired of being the catalyst for all our fights. I think that's just because I am so easy going that I don't let stuff bother me so even when she screws up I get over it quicker. 

In the near future we are going to attempt to do more things together. I suggested going away this summer just the two of us, but she doesn't know if she'd be able to leave our toddler for 5 days. I think an us vacation would kickstart things and give both of us the alone time we need to make up for from the past few months (as I said I work 55-60 hours and she gets tired at 8:30pm). 

Thanks for all your advice - especially Catherine.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Well done, Sir.

And I'm glad you're still alive.

As for the vacation, make it a long weekend. If she still peddles an excuse about leaving your toddler, that opens the field for an entirely different conversation ... about her meeting your needs.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

RhodyHubby said:


> I'm here. I'm alive.
> 
> Had a long talk with the wife last night. As I said I'm not great at sharing my feelings or putting my feelings into words. We worked through it.
> 
> ...



thank you R. I am happy you made a start. Don't sit around wiping your brow yet, you have some work to do. Did you earn your merit badge?? Just kidding none of my business.

Sounds great. Read over what the other things the poster said. Deejo is right, there is more here that you need to work on. Take the momentum that you have now and try to work on some of those issues.

In my opinion, there are some needs that are not being met. The fact that she will not stop being a mother fir 5 days to be a wife concerns me. It would be so good if she would realize what a priory her easy going husband is. I don't know what to tell you to do about that maybe the other posters can help.

Also, the frequency of intimacy is affecting you. Do you know how I know - female intuition - no - the fact that you answered the email from the girl. You needed something from her that you should be getting from your wife. You needed it so bad that you risked upsetting your wife.

Your wife made an excellent connection about you coming to her - did you let her know what you needed when she said this Mr. Easy Going? That would have been a perfect opportunity. Come back to that and talk about how much you need your wife and how lonely you are ( you are are you not?). The vacation should be part of the package of getting stronger. 

You said you were easy going, I wonder if you are more conflict avoiding than easy going. The difference is an easy going person does not feel lonely because of a choice to let things go; a conflict avoider does. which are you really.

This is no time to sit on your laurels (AKA azzzz), I hope I have impressed upon you that there is more work to do. Try to get your wife to see that remembering to be your wife is very important to you. 

You are both parents but you need to be good partners in order to maintain a happy home for your children. That is a lesson I had to learn and it took me 9 yrs of marriage to find out that I forgot my husband while devoting myself to my kids. You and your wife seem smarter than me so don't wait.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Haven't seen him yet ... hope she didn't strangle him in his sleep.


:lol::lol::rofl::lol::lol:


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## RhodyHubby (Apr 6, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> thank you R. I am happy you made a start. Don't sit around wiping your brow yet, you have some work to do. Did you earn your merit badge?? Just kidding none of my business.
> 
> Sounds great. Read over what the other things the poster said. Deejo is right, there is more here that you need to work on. Take the momentum that you have now and try to work on some of those issues.
> 
> ...


You know...you're right. I'm a conflict avoider. I hate getting in to arguments with people. I don't know where I got that from, I just hope my daughter didn't get that gene from me. Something I need to work on.

I am going to push for the long weekend or something for just the two of us. Going to a wedding in CT in a few weeks so that will be two nights away from the baby albeit in East Bumfvck CT and not the Bahamas. It's a start.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

RhodyHubby said:


> You know...you're right. I'm a conflict avoider. I hate getting in to arguments with people. I don't know where I got that from, I just hope my daughter didn't get that gene from me. Something I need to work on.
> 
> I am going to push for the long weekend or something for just the two of us. Going to a wedding in CT in a few weeks so that will be two nights away from the baby albeit in East Bumfvck CT and not the Bahamas. It's a start.


Yes, please take this as a lesson. I see a lot of similarity between the dynamics of you and your wife and me and my husband. We are both conflict avoiders, but him to a greater extent. This will snowball into more if you don't work on communicating what bothers YOU, as you said you are the one usually messing up. That's because you don't want to start something by telling her she is doing something to bother you. Look into the 5 Love Languages, it can really strengthen your bond. Good luck!


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

Be totally transparent with your wife from now on. Give her access to all your "private" accounts and let her know that you have nothing to hide. Ask your wife what you can do to help her to feel better. Suggest that you and she draft a final email to the New York friend that tells her you will not be communicating further. Understand that your wife will need time to become more trusting of you. Take this moment to thank God that you didn't cheat on her, for if you had, your wife would probably not be able to continue the marriage.

What you did is certainly not a true "deal-breaker" by most standards, but what does matter is how your wife feels. What she feels is real and she needs to be reassured that you will be faithful and true to your word. Only time will help her become convinced of this. You are doing the right thing and I am relieved that you are not trying to rationalize more of the same behavior.


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## EliH (Apr 15, 2011)

Non-mainstream thought #1. Why didn't your wife know you had been talking with this other person so often? I think a good guide is if you're doing something in a relationship with another woman that you wouldn't feel comfortable with your wife knowing about, you might be cheating... Think about it. Would your wife had known about the new friend if the new friend were another guy?

Non-mainstream thought #2.. The jealously is your wife's issue. You can't react to every potential thing that might set her off. That's certainly not to say that you shouldn't consider her feelings about your actions. Life partner is more than a politically correct phrase. It's a way of life that in a big part defines YOU to YOU. Be a good friend and let her know what's going on in your life. As a good friend, she should feel free to show you the same respect.

Final non-mainstream thought: Have you *really* *truly* and *honestly* considered your own ability to be unfaithfull? Have you considered what that might look like, how you might go about it? I assure that your wife has. Have you been following any of those patterns? Even for the Ward Cleavers in life, an inevitable fact is that you will meet someone that you find as desirable as your wife. You will encounter women that you simply want to bang. You have to know yourself well enough to be able to forecast those emotional conflicts when they occur and thus you'll be better armed to do the right thing when they occur.
As a guy, the one woman you can talk to about your feelings is your wife. She'll probabley understand them better than you do. 

Overall, I don't think she reacted simply to your chatting with another woman. She may very well have reacted to the chatting and that you had effectively not told her about it.


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