# Does marriage need more than love to survive?



## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

Do people think marriage needs more than love to survive? I do and I am now wondering what those things may be. Values, financial goals, child rearing methods, drinking or not drinking etc etc. What say you all?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Marriage needs friendship, trust, compromise, a partner that shares your goals so that you can reach them together.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Compatibly is needed. Love won't last long if you aren't compatible. 

That includes sexually compatible, household and financial goals, future goals, some personality traits ( I could never be with an extrovert) maturity and morals, etc

There's a huge list that needs to be compatible before you even worry about love IMO.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

No love is not enough - but its a start. Some things it also needs - Kindness, respect, time together, humor, effort, compromise, sacrifice, communication, acceptance, patience, loyalty, commitment, friendship, humility, forgiveness, and repentance! 

All of these are also essential - in my opinion!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

mary35 said:


> No love is not enough - but its a start. Some things it also needs - Kindness, respect, time together, humor, effort, compromise, sacrifice, communication, acceptance, patience, loyalty, commitment, friendship, humility, forgiveness, and repentance!
> 
> All of these are also essential - in my opinion!


These and the absense of neglect, arrogance, selfishness


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've posted this article many times.. I feel the answer is very thorough ...

 LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH



> When we believe that “all we need is love,” then like Lennon, we’re more likely to ignore fundamental values such as respect, humility and commitment towards the people we care about. After all, if love solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff — all of the hard stuff?
> 
> But if, like Reznor, we believe that “love is not enough,” then we understand that healthy relationships require more than pure emotion or lofty passions. We understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love. And the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.
> 
> ...


Then it speaks of the *"THE FRIENDSHIP TEST"*... also very very important...



> One of the oldest pieces of relationship advice in the book is, “You and your partner should be best friends.” Most people look at that piece of advice in the positive: I should spend time with my partner like I do my best friend; I should communicate openly with my partner like I do with my best friend; I should have fun with my partner like I do with my best friend.
> 
> But people should also look at it in the negative: Would you tolerate your partner’s negative behaviors in your best friend?
> 
> Amazingly, when we ask ourselves this question honestly, in most unhealthy and codependent relationships, the answer is “no.”....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kettle said:


> Do people think marriage needs more than love to survive? I do and I am now wondering what those things may be. Values, financial goals, child rearing methods, drinking or not drinking etc etc. What say you all?


Love is fleeting. A lot of people think that the emotion of 'love' is what sustains a marriage. The emotion of 'love' is too fragile. It dies if respect is lacking and if the couple does not meet each other's needs.

Now the verb 'love' does sustain a marriage as long as both parties practice it. It means meeting each other's needs and caring for each other.

The best source of what it takes to keep a marriage (IMO) are the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". If both parties do what they books say to do, the chance of the marriage and passion/love lasting is very high.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

kettle said:


> Do people think marriage needs more than love to survive? I do and I am now wondering what those things may be. Values, financial goals, child rearing methods, drinking or not drinking etc etc. What say you all?


Love has seasons and goes through changes much like summer, fall, winter, & spring. Life itself is also very messy and often confronts you with unforeseen challenges married or not. 

The one key ingredient I think a marriage needs to survive is "teamwork."

Find someone you can argue constructively with and solve problems together. Don't go for the "mysterious" or "shy" person because their behavior is cute, as it will create huge problems for when you discover your mother needs an assisted living situation and needs to move in with you, or you need to find $7500 a month to pay for a facility that can provide for her. Someone not good at teamwork will just run away from this situation until it just goes away all on its own. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I think marriage requires love, physical attraction, and overall compatibility with a hefty dose of commitment.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Love isn't even close to being all a marriage need to thrive -- not just survive. 

Many marriages survive but they don't thrive. And that's what you need to be happy with your choice.


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## George36 (Aug 26, 2017)

Imho, a marriage needs dependency upon each. Having been married 33 years, we servived because we were dependant upon each other in "contracted" ways. For those of you that watch Big Bang, the comedy Tv show, you probably know about Sheldon and Amy's girlfriend agreement. 

Before we got married, we agreed to two, somewhat simple, dependency:

- She would be my Queen and i would treat her like royalty. She would never want for anything in life and we would travel the world.

- Being oversexed myself, she would make sure that I want for nothing when it comes to sex.

Think of the agreement as a prenuptial. 33 years and we have travelled the world and U.S. and she HAS been treated like royalty. Wanted for nothing. Me, she has kept her side of the bargain. One or another form of sex daily and many days multiple times. Not bragging as having a high libido is NOT good at times.

Not saying that this is a panacea for marriage but others that have followed our example have benefit greatly. Having an agreed dependency may feel uncomfortable but, when you marry, you are co-dependent automatically so why not agree to what you both need.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Romance needs finance to survive.

SimplyAmorous's post said it all.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

I think we have to first define love. In addition to the traits and characteristics that have been mentioned here, I think that it's important to see in many of these answers that love is a verb. It is found in our actions, the things that we do in our love relationship.

I personally believe that love is a service relationship. Two people who are in love are each others servants. When each of us is actively trying to make each other's life better, actively trying to communicate, and actively trying to navigate the pitfalls of two completely unique individuals trying to become one unit then we can see many of these characteristics in action and love "is enough".

Being each other's servant does not mean giving up our individuality. Love is negotiating. Negotiating in a mixture of the best interests of the union and our own personal goals, wants, and needs. Negotiations are only successful when both people are representing themselves but in a love relationship we have to realize that what is good for the other person is also what is good for us. Love is looking out for the other person's interests and needs, but not while abandoning your own. These are signs of being actively involved and invested in the love relationship, and meet my definition of "love is a verb".


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

George36 said:


> Having an agreed dependency may feel uncomfortable but, when you marry, you are co-dependent automatically so why not agree to what you both need.


I understand what you are saying, and your contract is implied in our marriage and IMO even in the traditional vows. I think that many people could benefit from speaking that contract out loud. We expect "for better and in good times" but sometimes get "for worse and in bad times". I think that saying out loud "I will treat you like a queen" and "You will never find a could shoulder when you come to me" would go a long way towards making people actually think about those expectations up front and maybe even give them something to think about when life throws us the curve balls. We expect it when we say our vows, but we don't actually say it.

Maybe they are unrealistic promises, but they are certainly goals that we can continuously strive to achieve. Treating her like a queen during an economic downturn may mean tightening the belt financially, but shouldn't mean that the contract is broken. It just means we roll with the challenges and focus on respect and loyalty as her subject. If we expect fidelity then we have to be willing to step up and be the catcher's mitt for our partner's desires, always. We may find that life brings sexual dry spells for valid reasons, but we can and need to continue to work towards that goal. 

Life never works out like we plan, but we have to keep in mind that we do love each other and chose this life together.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

From a historical perspective, marriage was never about love. 

Marrying for love or love being any factor in getting married has only been in practice for the last hundred or so years and only here in western cultures. 

Marriage has always been a legal contract and/or religious covenant. Love between the two parties was rarely ever much of a consideration before the marriage. 

Marriage served many other purposes such as the joining and partnership of two families and pooling their resources etc. It was a stabilizing force in communities and tribes so that you didn't have groups of single males catting around and getting drunk and tearing up the place, or having numbers of single women around to be "temptresses" to temp the married men in the village. 

But the biggest reasons were to provide a safe and stable hearth and home for the procreation and rearing of young children and as a legally binding means of passing down land and property through familial bloodlines. 

It was hoped that the married couples would get along and work productively together as a family unit, but their love and attraction was rarely much of a factor of who married who or when they would do it. 

It was family elders and community and church leaders that were usually the ones who determined mates. Many cultures believed marriage and family obligations and stability in the community were too important to leave up to something as finicky and irrational as love. 

A better question is does marriage require "love" at all? Countless generations through the ages throughout all points on the globe would point to the answer to that being 'no.'


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> A better question is does marriage require "love" at all? Countless generations through the ages throughout all points on the globe would point to the answer to that being 'no.'


Does marriage as a contract require love? No. Does a happy marriage require love? In my experience yes but I'm sure that there are people who are happy and yet would not describe their marriage as a love relationship.

Our modern society assumes that love is the foundation of marriage, but as you point out it is not universal. I have met couples who married out of obligation but developed a deep love relationship that sustains them. I watched a documentary on the historical relationships of royalty in England that explored arranged marriages ranging from a contractual agreement to a true love relationship. I believe (or opine, if you prefer) that while social status or caste is generally a primary consideration, many arranged marriages are made with an expectation that financial stability will make a love relationship possible and sustainable, while poverty makes it harder. The couples that I have met who had successful arranged marriages seem to be a good match for each other, so perhaps their parents had that in mind when they agreed to the match.

I have also watched documentaries (thank you, History Channel) describing the Victorian(?) husband and wife relationship as contractual, and the mistress relationship as optional, even being sanctioned by the wife who didn't want the love or sexual role beyond child rearing. Whether that was the case because of religion or other cultural influences painting sex as for procreation only isn't entirely clear. It seemed to be that the couples in question were at least fond of each other, but not in all cases.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think love is necessary but not sufficient for a happy marriage. You also need to meet each other's important desires / wants in a marriage for it to be happy. What those are varies from person to person.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

From what little I know, and I feel like I know less all the time, it seems like compatibility and love have both be present. 

It seems that if someone is in love in the beginning of the relationship, but as time goes by, their partner can act in a way that
does not please them, such as poor communication, and it can cause them to fall out of love. 

On the other hand, there are spouses who seem to fill the logical side of a relationship, such as a hard worker and good parent, but there are just no sparks. That doesn't seem to work either.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Love does not conquer all.
Love will grow and nurture a marriage but compatibility, respect, empathy and commitment are the true elements to sustain a long term marriage.
Compatibility covers a wide spectrum.....sexually, morally, financially,....are all very important to help foster a happy marriage.

HD vs LD
Big spender vs saver
Respect vs disrespect
Strict vs laid back child rearing views
Control vs equal relationship

They say opposites attract and that maybe so but you will be setting yourselves up for a lifetime of marital ups and downs that will shape and affect your life and those of your children and not always for the better.

Love is a foundation that can only be sustained with the above mentioned characteristics.

Been there, done that.....

Do it better than I did...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Some marriages don't need more than love to survive, as evidenced by the marriages where those who thrive on martyrdom stick it out for the long run. All while sucking up their sexlessness, fear and disappointment, while nurturing their resentment and embracing their sacrifice.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Love is never enough. Compatability and attraction to each other are important too..especially sexual attraction.

The ability to communicate is also important, whether is be day to day things; or talking things out after an argument.

Sometimes even these things aren't enough. One needs to be there for their partner on a daily basis such as taking an interest in their work issues, family issues, etc. When one takes little interest and concentrates their time on the internet/cell phone while pretending to listen..I think this indicates that they really have no interest.

While they may SAY they're listening, they're really not.

Causes many problems to say the least!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

kettle said:


> Do people think marriage needs more than love to survive? I do and I am now wondering what those things may be. Values, financial goals, child rearing methods, drinking or not drinking etc etc. What say you all?


I have loved many and continue to do so but I have chosen one.

Involved with the choice are respect, discipline, hard work, sacrifice, compromise, commitment, forsaking all others as secondary to your chosen one.

A mutual choice and determination are what I believe have been most important aside from love.

The rest is all details.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Hard to say. I saw my wife on a train and we were engaged 3 weeks later. Love at first sight and our 45 years of marriage is proof of that. Other than an undying love for each other and the certain knowledge that we would be together forever, there was not much else we had in common. We refused to structure our marriage according the one everyone else does. You know the one, the one that assures failure 50% of the time, even for those who think it will not happen to them. I would not even buy a pen that may not work half of the time so why would I be crazy enough to enter into a type of marriage that has lousy odds of succeeding. 

We moved 13 times and are living in our 9th house in a place where it never snows and the sun always shines. We lived in a poly triad with a female friend that my wife and I knew since we were kids and had treated as family even before inviting her into our bed. As luck would having it, both women are bisexual so we all were able to express our love to each other physically for the 30 years we were together. Not your everyday marriage but it has been a great life filled with fun, love and prosperity.

So I think it is more than just love. It is living your marriage in a way that fits the both of you rather than trying to fit into society's definition of marriage. That is how we succeeded. We put each other and our marriage above all else, even monogamy.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

Hell yes. 

If it just needed love we would all marry the first person we fell for.

Marriage is hard work, trust, dependency, commitment, time, compromise, communication, intimacy and love.

Efs

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

A marriage starts with love that is new. Nothing better than new love!!

Then all of a sudden life happens and as that new love grows old; it often gets tested.

It may or may not be the beginning of learning how to live together. The good moods of new love change into the real things life brings on. Job changes, making ends meet regarding money, babies, etc. All stressful things that can change the blissfullness of newly married life into arguments.

Learning how to communicate is really important at this point. Talking it out is key.

If a couple can learn how to communicate with each other during the tough times, their chances of making it work are soo much better.

I learned much about marriage and love from my parents. There were many times where they had issues that they somehow worked through. I never realized until later years when my dad told me how'd they'd sit down at the kitchen table with cups of coffee and discuss things...eventually meeting in the middle. They never argued in front of me and my sister; in fact they never seemed to argue at all, yet seemed to have this blissfully happy marriage.

In later years my dad told me that he and my mom used to disagree all the time, yet never fought about it. Instead, they chose to communicate..and that's what made their marriage as strong as it stayed for nearly 50 years!!

I asked my dad what made their marriage as strong and as happy as it was and he said, "When you get married, you have to learn that it's not about you anymore..it's about the two of you that entered into your marriage..and why. It's not all about love..but about making that love work. It's for better or worse. Nothings always going to go your way..nor will your wife always get her way either. It's about meeting in the middle; agreeing to disagree..and realizing that your being married to this person is going to be the biggest journey you're every going to take with someone. There will be days where you can't stand each other..and then there will be days you can't count your lucky stars enough that you met such a wonderful person..and the love of your life.

I take these words of wisdom with me daily, as they continue to be their weight in gold.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A successful marriage includes everything that all posters said [before me].

It also requires the blessings of Forces outside our comprehension.

Whatever you call Fate, I call the Master Plan.

A plan that includes our infinitesimal small role.


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