# Why am I not enough?



## LC2019 (Sep 10, 2020)

My Husband and I have been together over 25 years. Just before 18 years together we split for 6 months, but we’re able to work out our relationship. In June of 2019 we got married. In Feb 2020 I left my job and our relationship almost immediately went South. All of this happening during quarantine. In May 2020 my Husband said we needed a break and wanted to be alone. We still communicate (non personal), He apologized for putting me through this on our 1 year wedding anniversary and said He didn’t like to see me sad. In N.C. you must be living separately for one year before you can even file for divorce. When I asked Him if we were getting married He said we’d leave that as an option, but followed with we’ll see what happens. I know He suffers from depression and mental illness and always has. How do I cope with the wait game?? Honestly, as mad as I’d like to be I’m more disappointed that He couldn’t just talk to me and decided to just leave. Is there any hope? Am I overthinking this? I’m trying to provide the space He asked for, but we’re MARRIED isn’t that slightly different from dating?? What is an average separation timeframe? I just don’t know if I can or should wait 8-9 months. I am dedicated to Him we’re been together since I was 17 years old. I’m in this for the long y’all, but I’m torn. A part of me feels He’d never divorce me and the other part feels it could happen.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

If you were together for 24 years before you got married, I'd say that one of you didn't actually want to _be_ married. Sounds like it was him. And, now just a year later, he wants to not be married again. 

Personally, I would give him what he wants. Divorce amicably and move on with your life. You've wasted two and a half _decades_ waiting for this guy to decide what he wants. Aren't you tired of waiting for him, already? 

Find a therapist who can help you work on your self-esteem and on good boundaries. You need more of both.


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## LC2019 (Sep 10, 2020)

He never wanted to marry because we’re not religious individuals. After 24 1/2 years He decided He wanted to get married, but due to financial stresses and depression our relationship became strained. He hasn’t asked for a divorce. He said He was going through a lot and neede to be alone. He moved out, but we still keep contact. We won’t be able to file for divorce till June of 2021. I’ve been focusing on myself and learning what I did wrong in the relationship. He’s worth waiting for to me, but I’ve been preparing for Life without Him as He is the one that chose to leave. He’s aware how I feel, I’ve apologized for the mistakes I’ve made and I’ve left it at that. I am quite tired, but I do know that He struggles mentally and this is just something I’ve accepted. I devoted my Life to Him, so I don’t feel like I’ve “waited” for Him. I am currently seeking counseling to help me through this situation. Thank you for your response.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

I agree with Rowan....it sounds like your H never really wanted to get married. But I'm unsure why he would suddenly change his mind after 24 years. That is confusing.

Either way, you can't control him. You need to get in the mindset that he is gone and that you need to take care of yourself and get on with your life. Tough to do, I know. But holding onto hope and waiting for him will be torture for you. The only real hope you have is that he will miss you and want to come back on his own. So stop begging and telling him how badly you want him back. That will only push him away further. I *highly *recommend you read up and start the 180 (ignore title in link below...it's the only one I could find that includes 180 list).









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## LC2019 (Sep 10, 2020)

Dadto2 said:


> I agree with Rowan....it sounds like your H never really wanted to get married. But I'm unsure why he would suddenly change his mind after 24 years. That is confusing.
> 
> Either way, you can't control him. You need to get in the mindset that he is gone and that you need to take care of yourself and get on with your life. Tough to do, I know. But holding onto hope and waiting for him will be torture for you. The only real hope you have is that he will miss you and want to come back on his own. So stop begging and telling him how badly you want him back. That will only push him away further. I *highly *recommend you read up and start the 180 (ignore title in link below...it's the only one I could find that includes 180 list).
> 
> ...





Dadto2 said:


> I agree with Rowan....it sounds like your H never really wanted to get married. But I'm unsure why he would suddenly change his mind after 24 years. That is confusing.
> 
> Either way, you can't control him. You need to get in the mindset that he is gone and that you need to take care of yourself and get on with your life. Tough to do, I know. But holding onto hope and waiting for him will be torture for you. The only real hope you have is that he will miss you and want to come back on his own. So stop begging and telling him how badly you want him back. That will only push him away further. I *highly *recommend you read up and start the 180 (ignore title in link below...it's the only one I could find that includes 180 list).
> 
> ...





Dadto2 said:


> I agree with Rowan....it sounds like your H never really wanted to get married. But I'm unsure why he would suddenly change his mind after 24 years. That is confusing.
> 
> Either way, you can't control him. You need to get in the mindset that he is gone and that you need to take care of yourself and get on with your life. Tough to do, I know. But holding onto hope and waiting for him will be torture for you. The only real hope you have is that he will miss you and want to come back on his own. So stop begging and telling him how badly you want him back. That will only push him away further. I *highly *recommend you read up and start the 180 (ignore title in link below...it's the only one I could find that includes 180 list).
> 
> ...



I do want to be very clear that I have not asked or begged Him to stay or come back. I do know when He asked me to marry Him we were better financially. We were making lots of money, but we were comfortable. I was always the breadwinner in our home and when I left my job things fell apart and He had just bought a newer vehicle and money issues caused stress. He doesn’t handle stress well He shuts down. Our separation was very quiet. No crying and begging, pleading etc. I’m giving Him His space. I know that I can not control how He feels and would never want Him to return on my account. It has to be His decision. Thanks for the response.


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## LC2019 (Sep 10, 2020)

Als


LC2019 said:


> I do want to be very clear that I have not asked or begged Him to stay or come back. I do know when He asked me to marry Him we were better financially. We were making lots of money, but we were comfortable. I was always the breadwinner in our home and when I left my job things fell apart and He had just bought a newer vehicle and money issues caused stress. He doesn’t handle stress well He shuts down. Our separation was very quiet. No crying and begging, pleading etc. I’m giving Him His space. I know that I can not control how He feels and would never want Him to return on my account. It has to be His decision. There was no infidelity in our relationship either.Thanks for the response.


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