# I feel like I cheated...



## SJX13 (Aug 26, 2012)

I'm really not sure where to post this, and I feel terrible. I will try to start with some background, I am sorry it may be long before I get to the title business..

Before my husband and I married, I discovered he'd been sexting *multiple* people throughout the entirety of our relationship. It hurt a lot, he insisted it wasnt cheating because it was just words online or through texts, but eventually he realised how much he hurt me and apologised, promising to never do it again. Due to physical and mental health issues of my own, that were more pronounced when we were newly-weds, I couldnt be as sexual with him as either of us would have liked, so I told him I was okay with him looking at porn and such so long as he 1. didnt spend money on it and 2. didn't ignore me for it. We had a lot of issues in our marriage early on, but as I thought things were improving, I accidentally discovered he'd been having sexual conversations with people online again, including mutual friends of our's. I checked his phone, to realise a lot of these were happening on days he'd come home and tell me he'd had a bad day and wanted to be left alone, but he was really just going to his computer to talk to people without me around. Around that time right before I discovered that, he'd been telling me he was okay with me 'experimenting' with other people, so long as I didn't do anything that had a risk of me getting pregnant. 

I had 0 interest in doing such things with anyone other than my husband, so of course I said no, but was touched he would give me so much trust when he knew I wouldnt be okay with it. Only to then discover it was more like he was trying to find a justification for what he was doing. This part (along with other non-fidelity related things) lead to us seperating for a time and nearly divorcing, but over the past year particularly we both made a lot of changes. He went to college and has started a new job he's doing very well in, and convinced me to take a course with him (knowing I'd have too many anxieties myself), my health took a turn for the worse and he's been wonderful taking care of me, helping me to get the medical help I need, and just in general being a better partner to me than he ever had before.

With things seeming so much better between us, I was ready to start being sexually intimate with him again, but he turned me down, claiming it was nothing to do with me he just happened to not be in the mood lately. The very next night though, I caught him masturbating to porn. This is something I would normally have no issue with, but it's been an ongoing thing between us lately, that he can get aroused for things online but not for me. He still flirts with me and is affectionate and loving normally aside from this though. This is where I get to the matter of my title.

I have a close male friend, who I was chatting to online one night and ended up complaining about these issues. He started flirting a bit, which isnt new for him but he always takes it back as a joke (except for the one time he made some declaration of love by texting me in the middle of the night then the next day was horrified telling me he'd been out drinking with friends and had way too much). One thing lead to another, he admitted he does have feelings for me, but understood I was married and I was clear on the fact I didnt want to leave my husband. The flirting continued a bit, I joined in because it felt good to have that attention but we didnt go much beyond a few bad jokes. Soon after, I found my husband had been talking to one of the women he had previously been caught sexting with, I panicked and thought the same thing would be going on but I was too afraid to confront him. I ended up messaging my friend again, and our chats got far more explicit to the point I was doing the same thing my husband had done that had broke my heart.

The next day, I discussed it with this friend, told him I felt bad and awkward, he was understanding and apologised for his part in it, so we stopped things there. Beyond texts, I havent done anything with him physical, I made it clear to him during it I wasnt going to send any nudes or anything like that. Part of my reason for doing this was that I remember my husband telling me he was okay with me doing things with other people like this, and a part of me has still never got over what he did in the past. I felt like maybe if I tried it I would be able to move on from it, but I just feel like a hypocrite when I hated him doing the same to me.

I havent brought it up to him that I did this, and based on what he's said to me in the past I don't think he would be particularly bothered, but I still feel angry with myself. It was made even worse when he realised I was worried about him talking to this other woman again, and he showed me all his conversations with her and they were innocent, although he did admit it was wrong of him to be talking to her again in the first place.

I don't know what to do, I feel like I should tell him, but at the same time I worry that will make him feel its okay to start fooling around with whoever he wants again when Im not really okay with either of us doing that.


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## VodkaR1 (Jan 17, 2018)

Either youre married or not. None of this half married stuff.

I did the same thing before I met my wife. I had to stop. It was hard. Some of those ladies still say hello, or wanna chat which I understand - theres a friendship there. But no sexting. I divert to convo about my life now and marriage.

Porn... not unless the wife has had her fill. Anymore I really try to limit it to once in a while. If hes on the porn and youre getting turned down, the porns gotta go

Dude has to decide - married or not. You cant have the best of both worlds. That just doesnt work. You cant be single and married at the same time.

I get that flirting is fun - boosts self esteem, shots of dopamine, the feeling of being desired. Fortunately my wife trusts me enough that I can get a little flirty and shes not mad about it.

You did more than sext back. You did it with that classic "guy friend" few men approve of to begin with, which youve probably reassured your husband that your "just friends" many times. Same old , same old song and dannnnnccce 

Realize that guy friend is just waiting in line for his day to come. Sounds like he got a taste.

Say something? No. Dont wage war. Fix the marriage


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

1. You feel bad because you used your husband's lousy behavior in-part as a justification for your lousy behavior.

2. If you really think disclosing this to your husband will lead him to feeling like he has the green light on his extra marital activities...do you really have much of a marriage?

3. If the you of today talked to the you of 10 years ago, and you told younger you that you were in this type of marriage, what do you think younger you would have said?

I am normally an advocate for disclosure in 100% of infidelity cases. I now have to say 99%. You should keep it to yourself and walk away from this man. From the sounds of things, both of you have some growing up to do, and you certainly aren't doing it together.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Just divorce already. You guys seem barely married. I'm assuming you don't have kids.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

You feel like and you actual did 'cheat'. There's no excuses but like someone has already said, you used the excuse of him being a serial cheater to dip your toes in the water and see what it was like, maybe for some revenge.

Now that's the bad part on you .... however, you are dealing with a man that has quite a few issues and caused you to feel this way to begin with. I sympathize with you to an extent but you have to be bigger than this. It's hard but not impossible. Figure out what you want. Are there enough pros either from before or what you can honestly see in the future vs cons to make a real legit shot at fixing this.

It's time to ask him to talk, a talk to begin all talks and have you both lay it ALL out on the table. From there if you feel that both of you would like to fix this and continue on with a healthy marriage. It's going to require counseling and a lot of effort and constant communication to pull through and grow together towards what you both agree you want in the marriage.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Sounds to me you fell for husban's trap as this was exactly what he wanted from you, an excuse and license to do all the sexting or what ever what else he wants.

I'm not saying this to get you upset, but they're are folks who live their lives tip for taps mentality, sad right.
So I'm not sure how mature is you're husband if you tell him what went on. 

I can see a few things happening here with you're H hearing this, he can either be A)slightly be aroused, B)be shocked that you had it in you to go out and play. Or C) ramp up and take what ever sexting to another level which I originally mentioned!

Very dodgy on his part, I am not excusing your behavior either, you have to be the rational one here, and steer him clear!

I don't recall ever sexting, unless it was with my GF my now W, I did have lots of friends of the opposite sex which made my gf at the time uncomfortable, and I accordingly to my friends a flirt with any gal that came in a radius of 3ft, that was a tertible habit on my part that needed to end.

Good luck, hope it works out.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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