# Long term separation, don't know how to move on



## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

I was here several years ago as wild irish rose so a lot of my back story is there if you want to find it.

Basically, I met my husband in 1991 we were both college sophomores. We were also both on the rebound from previous relationships. Married in 1994 after he finished his Masters degree. Separated once in 2000 for 4 months after my first serious health crisis. Got back together, son was born in October of 2003. I had a second, more serious health crisis that left me on long term disability. My husband couldn't deal with an infant and an extremely ill wife and he walked out on Christmas Eve 2003. We split custody at first, trading off weeks. Within 6 months he had stopped taking the baby and simply came to visit on weekends. By 2007 my health was improving and we talked about moving back together as a family. Then his dad and his best friend died within 2 months of each other, and he disappeared. Didn't see him for several months. Then he started showing up on weekends again but all talk of getting back together stopped. He showed up less and less, and stopped visitation entirely in July of 2010. I later found out he'd been seeing someone else for several years and that he stopped his visitation with us after she got pregnant. Still, I didn't file for divorce because I needed his very good employer health insurance. I'm sure we can all agree that Medicaid sucks. Well, in 2012 I got signed up with a divorce mediator. He blew off the 2 meetings I arranged with her. Then she died and there wasn't another mediator locally and somehow we just let it go. I finally hired a lawyer this past April when I got the first decently paid job in years. But it's dragging out because my husband no longer lives in the US, he expatriated to Japan actually the year they had that huge tsunami. He's with a Japanese woman now so he's paying child support to me and to the ex-gf.

So that's the gist of the story of my marriage. But the marriage isn't the problem, the problem is the fact that I can't seem to move on. Part of it is that even though we have been separated for so long, it would still feel like adultery to me to get involved with someone else. Part of it is that my husband was both emotionally and verbally abusive to me when we were together and that combined with the abandonment has both destroyed my self esteem and my trust of men. Despite the fact that he has been with at least 3 women (that I know of) since our separation, I haven't dated once. I haven't had sex since my husband and I were considering reconciliation in 2007. Although I had boyfriends prior to him he is also the only man I've ever slept with. It's not that I don't want sex but I don't want it without commitment but I'm scared to death of commitment now. I've also got a couple of friends whose kids were sexually molested by their stepfathers/mother's boyfriends so that's a huge concern of mine as well, especially since my son is on the spectrum and I think something like that happening to him could destroy him. At the same time, I have to wonder how many guys would even want me - I'm almost 46 with serious health issues, a teenager on the spectrum, no job, can't drive anymore, and not particularly attractive. OTOH - I am extremely intelligent, a good mom, a good homemaker, compassionate, fun to be with (when I'm feeling good), and a fairly talented artist and musician. I enjoy going out and having fun when my body lets me. I also have a healthy libido and I would like to be able to enjoy a sex life with something other than romance novel and a little pink bunny, but only in a loving, committed relationship with a man who could accept my physical limitations. I just don't know how to move on to get to that place.


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## pattyreed2011 (Nov 28, 2016)

Hellomynameis said:


> I was here several years ago as wild irish rose so a lot of my back story is there if you want to find it.
> 
> Basically, I met my husband in 1991 we were both college sophomores. We were also both on the rebound from previous relationships. Married in 1994 after he finished his Masters degree. Separated once in 2000 for 4 months after my first serious health crisis. Got back together, son was born in October of 2003. I had a second, more serious health crisis that left me on long term disability. My husband couldn't deal with an infant and an extremely ill wife and he walked out on Christmas Eve 2003. We split custody at first, trading off weeks. Within 6 months he had stopped taking the baby and simply came to visit on weekends. By 2007 my health was improving and we talked about moving back together as a family. Then his dad and his best friend died within 2 months of each other, and he disappeared. Didn't see him for several months. Then he started showing up on weekends again but all talk of getting back together stopped. He showed up less and less, and stopped visitation entirely in July of 2010. I later found out he'd been seeing someone else for several years and that he stopped his visitation with us after she got pregnant. Still, I didn't file for divorce because I needed his very good employer health insurance. I'm sure we can all agree that Medicaid sucks. Well, in 2012 I got signed up with a divorce mediator. He blew off the 2 meetings I arranged with her. Then she died and there wasn't another mediator locally and somehow we just let it go. I finally hired a lawyer this past April when I got the first decently paid job in years. But it's dragging out because my husband no longer lives in the US, he expatriated to Japan actually the year they had that huge tsunami. He's with a Japanese woman now so he's paying child support to me and to the ex-gf.
> 
> So that's the gist of the story of my marriage. But the marriage isn't the problem, the problem is the fact that I can't seem to move on. Part of it is that even though we have been separated for so long, it would still feel like adultery to me to get involved with someone else. Part of it is that my husband was both emotionally and verbally abusive to me when we were together and that combined with the abandonment has both destroyed my self esteem and my trust of men. Despite the fact that he has been with at least 3 women (that I know of) since our separation, I haven't dated once. I haven't had sex since my husband and I were considering reconciliation in 2007. Although I had boyfriends prior to him he is also the only man I've ever slept with. It's not that I don't want sex but I don't want it without commitment but I'm scared to death of commitment now. I've also got a couple of friends whose kids were sexually molested by their stepfathers/mother's boyfriends so that's a huge concern of mine as well, especially since my son is on the spectrum and I think something like that happening to him could destroy him. At the same time, I have to wonder how many guys would even want me - I'm almost 46 with serious health issues, a teenager on the spectrum, no job, can't drive anymore, and not particularly attractive. OTOH - I am extremely intelligent, a good mom, a good homemaker, compassionate, fun to be with (when I'm feeling good), and a fairly talented artist and musician. I enjoy going out and having fun when my body lets me. I also have a healthy libido and I would like to be able to enjoy a sex life with something other than romance novel and a little pink bunny, but only in a loving, committed relationship with a man who could accept my physical limitations. I just don't know how to move on to get to that place.


Can you learn to be happy alone?

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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I recall you as Irish Rose, i recall some of what you wrote about your life and some of your hardship...i do hope that your health improves or at least does not hinder you from enjoy it...but i sense in your post that you might be suffering from paralysis not of body but of the mind.....over time you created a linking process that is seems to equate love with abandonment and cruelty. Your self-esteem/self worth damaged in the process....this is where i would advise you to look at deconstruction thinking....break it all down and start asking the yourself....how do i define love? what makes a good spouse or SO, you have to unlearn, and then relearn...think of your brain as having gone through a stroke, and suddenly everything you knew how to do, you have to relearn, how to use a spoon, how take a bath...well emotionally i think you need to examine everything from the ground up...it is not easy because we become a creature of habit and rely on misbeliefs....i may be off base but it might be worth looking into it with a therapist.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

What happened to the decent paying job you just had?


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

I don't know. Once my parents are gone I will be completely alone as my son has already stated that as soon as he's 18 he's gone. I really don't want to be completely alone. I don't have a lot of close friends as I don't leave the house much due to anxiety issues. Also my love language is physical touch and sometimes I think I'll go crazy if I can't find someone to give it to me even if not in a sexual form. My parents are NOT physically affectionate people nor is my son in fact he shies away from affection of all types which is normal for Aspergers. I also just really want someone I can do things with. Most of my female friends are too busy with their own families to be able to do the kinds of things that I would like to do and my parents aren't healthy enough to do much anymore.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Are you depressed?

Sounds like you need a therapist, some drugs, and some friends. Get out there and have fun. Life is only what you make it. So go make it a great one.

I got laid the first night after I separated from my ex wife. Amazing what you can find on POF. I was in a 100% sexless marriage for previous 4 years, so I wasn't wasting another day!


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

I had to give up my job because I had another cardiac event 2 months ago. My dr won't clear me to go back to work and my employer can't hold the position for me because it's a critical management level position.

I also wanted to say that if my life continues the way it is I'll probably go into assisted living as soon as my parents are gone. I can't imagine taking care of day to day needs on my own with my ongoing health issues.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

I can't take anti depressants because of my heart condition. And I can't go out because I can't drive anymore. They pull your license when the dr tells them you are high risk for sudden cardiac arrest. Which has happened to me 3 times since 2003. I don't go anywhere unless a family member takes me. We have no public transportation where we live. Heck we don't even have neighbors for almost a mile in every direction (dairy and wine country here).

So I basically go shopping and I go to church, both with my parents. No single guys my age at church. My son doesn't do extra curricular stuff at school because he's very anti social. So I don't hang out with other parents. Most of them are a lot younger than me anyway since I was almost 34 when son was born.

My life basically sucks. And my husband has a great life which just makes it that much worse. He won't help me at all he's actually told me he wishes we would both drop dead so he wouldn't have to support us anymore. And now that he's in Japan we have no contact with him at all. He doesn't even send the support checks - his mother does.


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## pattyreed2011 (Nov 28, 2016)

A long time ago I read a religious magazine and it said that if you were in love and you went through a heartbreaking situation and to talk about it with friends and with time the memory would fade but if that didn't happen it said to seek psychiatric help because if you can't get over it it's an obsession.

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## pattyreed2011 (Nov 28, 2016)

Maybe you should stop feeling sorry for yourself and read books about people who have truly suffered maybe because they live in war-torn countries and they've seen horrible massacres for example I had a friend who found his friend's body cut in half I had another friend that was walking to school and she saw a head laying on the floor maybe you need to stop your self-pity and be grateful for what you have

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

pattyreed2011 said:


> Maybe you should stop feeling sorry for yourself and read books about people who have truly suffered maybe because they live in war-torn countries and they've seen horrible massacres for example I had a friend who found his friend's body cut in half I had another friend that was walking to school and she saw a head laying on the floor maybe you need to stop your self-pity and be grateful for what you have
> 
> Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk




You're not helping


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## pattyreed2011 (Nov 28, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> You're not helping


Obsessing over your past is not helping you either.

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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

That's a little harsh. Don't you think nearly dying 3 times between the ages of 30 and 45 are pretty hard things to live with? I have days when I'm so sick I can't get out of bed. I spend more time in the ER in a year than most people do in their lives. My husband kicked me in the head and stomach and left me on the floor to die the first time I went into cardiac arrest while my 2 month old baby was 10 feet away screaming. My younger brother was killed by a drunk driver just 2 years ago. Ever watch someone die who has had almost every bone in their body crushed because a tractor trailer landed on top of their car? We had to watch him suffer and die over the course of the worst 2 months of my life. I wouldn't wish a similar fate on my worst enemy.


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## pattyreed2011 (Nov 28, 2016)

We've all suffered at some point of our lives not just you but we have to move forward. 

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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Hellomynameis said:


> he's actually told me he wishes we would both drop dead so he wouldn't have to support us anymore.


:surprise:

This "man" is beyond evil. The day he assumes room temperature he has a special place in hell waiting for him.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

And by the way I am far from obsessed with my husband. We never had a good marriage and I wasn't sorry to see him go it was just the way it happened that messed me up. But it's hard to trust someone enough to move on when you've spent most of your adult life being told you were a worthless piece of **** who is better off dead, that he hates you, you ruined his life, he wishes he'd never met you, wishes his own son had been aborted, he let his mother physically abuse me and our son, and he doesn't want a divorce, by the way, because he loves keeping me legally bound to him. Probably the only reason I finally filed is because one of my coworker's is a women's rights advocate that convinced me to stop letting him control me. And now that we don't work together anymore I find myself losing momentum even to finish the divorce process, especially since he's stonewalling it.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

pattyreed2011 said:


> We've all suffered at some point of our lives not just you but we have to move forward.
> 
> Sent from my LGMS330 using Tapatalk




Jeez. You just won't quit. Is that going to be your advice to everyone? Just get over it?

Who hurt you so much that you are bitter and uncaring? Your ex husband?


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

pattyreed2011 said:


> We've all suffered at some point of our lives not just you but we have to move forward.
> 
> Sent from my LGMS330 using Tapatalk


How about you refrain from posting on this thread. As blueinbr mentioned, you are not helping.


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## pattyreed2011 (Nov 28, 2016)

rockon said:


> How about you refrain from posting on this thread. As blueinbr mentioned, you are not helping.


Put a face to your words

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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

pattyreed2011 said:


> Put a face to your words
> 
> Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk


What the hell does that mean?

Anyway, I'm done with you.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

So the job I had before I got sick again was, ironically enough, as a job counselor for people coming off of long term disability or unemployment. The thing I remember noting, time and again, was how alone most of them seemed to be. I don't know if it was by choice or if people just don't really want to get involved with people who have long term, life altering disabilities. But I do know that I don't want to be that way. I just don't know how to change it when I have so many limitations. And based on some of the threads I've read as a long time lurker here, I'm thinking a lot of guys would be uncomfortable getting serious with a woman who hasnt had sex in a decade, even if it was for reasons beyond her control. I mean, if I don't have sex, I'm not a good risk because maybe I'll turn out to be low drive. But if I do have sex, it's cheating. I've seen enough people here agree that there's no excuse for cheating no matter what the situation. Personally I think I've probably got a better excuse than most. Although my husband has actually told me that if he finds out I'm involved with someone else he'll destroy me even more than he already has. He's allowed but I'm not. As far as he's concerned I still belong to him even though we haven't laid eyes on each other in over 6 years.


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## pattyreed2011 (Nov 28, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Jeez. You just won't quit. Is that going to be your advice to everyone? Just get over it?
> 
> Who hurt you so much that you are bitter and uncaring? Your ex husband?


Lol! Im not the one whos angry and Im not the one with the pitty party. 

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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Honey, I feel for you. I have crummy health also, multiple serious health conditions, and one of my diseases is considered "terminal" and the best case scenario was 7 years. That was over 10 years ago, and I'm in my early fourties and still doing reasonably well.

In most cases, there is someone for everyone, it's a matter of finding that someone.

I ended a very unhappy marriage of 20 years. So there I was, with two kids in tow and crappy health. I have always known I was a wife and mom to my core, and even though I am a successful business owner, being a wife and mom is my "calling". 

I entered the dating world after not having dated since I was a teen. I also married as a virgin like you. I had no clue how this was all going to play out. My personality as it is, makes me a full disclosure girl. I met my hubby very quickly once I threw my hat in the ring again to date. After our first date (where the connection was AMAZING) the very next morning I told him I had some more things about myself that I wanted to share with him before we had our second date. Now, I understand that most people will think this is absurd to share that much info with essentially a stranger, but it's simply the way I tick. 

I had a lot of time like you after my XH and I seperated to think about how I would handle dating and the like. I personally felt that it would be really mean to allow anyone to become emotionally involved with me without understanding the seriousness of my health conditions. Since my illnesses are not readily visible, a person could conceivably have dated me and really fallen for me long before they figured out or I disclosed my health conditions. Any man that was going to want to get serious with me, didn't deserve to find that out a few months in once their hearts were involved. Weird as it was, I laid it all out to hubby the morning after our first date. He deserved the right (IMO) to make and educated decision if he wanted to pursue a relationship with someone like me. He was a man with a wonderful personality and sense of humor, no kids, no "baggage", gorgeous, athletic, gainfully employed etc who could have his pick of women...

He patiently listened on the phone to me telling him every flaw I had. As I finished each one he said, "I don't care." At this point I was like...Okkkkk, I've done my due diligence. Just last night over dinner he looked up at me and said, "You always tease me about all the hot girls I dated before you, but none of them were even close to how perfect you are for me. I LOVE US!" So I told you all that so I could tell you this...put yourself out there to find love again. If it is in online dating since you are in a smaller area, disclose as soon as your gut tells you that you should. You want to weed out those who aren't interested in a committed relationship with someone that has chronic illnesses. You also want to be fair to the men.

My grandmother was extremely chronically ill, two failed marriages, and FOUR kids in tow when she met my Grandpa. They fell in love and he adopted all the kids and they spent over forty years happily married. Like my husband, he WAS AN EXCEPTIONAL MAN. They are out there, but you will need to throw YOUR hat in the ring like me and my Grandma did to find one.

Blessings to you and your son, and hopes of you finding the love you deserve.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You aren't married. You don't have a marriage. You don't have a husband. Get that through your head and maybe you can move on?

If you don't want the government to recognize your marriage on paper, go see an attorney and do something about it.

Sign up on POF and see what men out there contact you. Stop worrying about who would want to be with you. Start doing something about it. I will bet my next paycheck you can find someone to connect emotionally and physically with. And probably within the next 30 days. But you have to start taking charge and making it happen.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

GoC - I did start divorce proceedings back in April when I had a job. I can no longer afford to pay the lawyer especially since a divorce when one party lives overseas is very expensive. The lawyer said the best thing I can do at this point is sit back and let the clock run out on his answering the divorce summons. He has a year and it's been almost 8 months now. We've had him served at 3 different addresses and he hasn't responded to any of them. Of course I'm told that he can come back later and state that he never received any of them, forcing us to restart the whole process. Which I wouldn't put past him. He enjoys it, it's all a game to him. And I don't have the resources to fight him.


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