# How are your Mind Movies going?



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Today, it occurred to me that I've crossed a few new thresholds, though nothing I'd call terribly positive. I'm around 8 months from DDay. One thing is that the dreaded "mind movies" have seemed to abate some. Doesn't make me feel much better about the situation, because they've just been replaced with a realization/acceptance that all that did indeed happen. Its part of my life forever, now. 

As I look back, its seems like the mind movies were just overpowering for around 2-3 months. Then they were intermittent, but replaced with terrible rage and anger. After about 7-8 months the rage seems to be giving way to a dull, unshakable indifference. 

To be sure, I'm not a great case study. In this area, I am not nearly as positive, and unflappable as most other areas. Everyone has their breaking point.

Just wondering with others when the mind movies seem to subside, if the is any common amount of time when they begin to fade, etc.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Forest said:


> Today, it occurred to me that I've crossed a few new thresholds, though nothing I'd call terribly positive. I'm around 8 months from DDay. One thing is that the dreaded "mind movies" have seemed to abate some. Doesn't make me feel much better about the situation, because they've just been replaced with a realization/acceptance that all that did indeed happen. Its part of my life forever, now.
> 
> As I look back, its seems like the mind movies were just overpowering for around 2-3 months. Then they were intermittent, but replaced with terrible rage and anger. After about 7-8 months the rage seems to be giving way to a dull, unshakable indifference.
> 
> ...


Sounds like the mind movies are part of the larger grieving process, Forest, and you've moved from anger to acceptance. Doing so in less than a year is, by all accounts, on the rapid side, too. Took me the better part of five years.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I'm almost 12 weeks out from D-Day and my husband left completely. I still have night terrors. I hope it all stops soon.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Pamvhv said:


> I'm almost 12 weeks out from D-Day and my husband left completely. I still have night terrors. I hope it all stops soon.


Wow. Time passes slowly during the bad times. I've followed your posts some, and thought you'd been dealing with it longer. 

What to say? Someday you'll quit having the terrible images, replaced by a terrible reality?

I better stop before I make it worse. Think of the what a POS he is, and what he'll bring on himself.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Forest said:


> What to say? Someday you'll quit having the terrible images, replaced by a terrible reality?


Meh, I would be looking at it from a better reality standpoint, not a terrible one. It will take time, but it gets just a little easier each day, and then one day out of the blue, they just don't hurt anymore. FWIW, it help me to picture her screwing Ernest Borgnine. I actually laughed a few times.

You'll get there, Pam....one day at a time. But in the mean time, cyber hugs to you.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

If I could sleep a whole night through I'd call that success!  I'm glad to hear it goes away.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Pamvhv said:


> If I could sleep a whole night through I'd call that success!  I'm glad to hear it goes away.


Yeah, that's awful. Wearing.

This sounds pathetic, but after the Dday, I actually asked my wife to pray that I would sleep. (she is much reformed and more spiritual than during the affair time 20 years ago.)


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

Forest said:


> Yeah, that's awful. Wearing.
> 
> This sounds pathetic, but after the Dday, I actually asked my wife to pray that I would sleep. (she is much reformed and more spiritual than during the affair time 20 years ago.)


Are you together now?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Pamvhv said:


> If I could sleep a whole night through I'd call that success!  I'm glad to hear it goes away.


Get some Benedryl capsules, not caplets. The Walmart Equate brand is good and cheap (4 bucks for 100). They'll help until you're a bit more adjusted, and they're non-addicting.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Pamvhv said:


> Are you together now?


Yep. This was a weird deal, where I did not find out until 20 years later. At the time, there were problems, then she got her act together.

I confronted her at the time. She lied. She thought I must have surmised, was afraid to come clean. 20 years later, I decided to confront one more time, and all heck breaks loose.

By the way, my recommendation is melatonin (1-3 mg) and Valerian root (about 3 caps) for sleep. Pretty natural stuff. Doesn't leave you hung over feeling.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

It took me almost a year before I could sleep through the night and once and awhile I wake up at 3 in the morning and never get back to sleep.

The mind movies were an issue for about the first year for me We are coming into year 3 since D Day. July 8th

When these things happen and you start to get worked up. Try to focus on your kids or something else that makes you happy.

Good Luck


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

A little over 2 years for me and well it comes and goes, right now it is an issue been over a month haven't slept great (don't like to call them nightmares just unpleasant dreams) and of course it carries over to the day hours. Usually wake up with the same scenario playing in my head wish I could get another channel on this thing.

Of course even when things are ok still don't sleep much(4 or 5 hours is a great night) so eh I am used to it.

I would caution taking anything, I drank for awhile to help but when you sober up or come off of the medicine it seems worse.

One thing I have learned (although it doesn't always work) is to try and not get up or use any electronics once those things come out forget it I am up the rest of the night. While I may not go back to a sound sleep I doze on and off the rest of the night of course when I wake up back to the show but at least it's something.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I'm 3 years out, and while we arent living together, we're still living in a constant state of limbo. I find I will be in a sound sleep only to be jerk awake and a very clear thought comes to my mind, as clears as anything, "F!ck, I cant believe you cheated on me!" and my stomach just sinks...just like it was yesterday.

...and Pam trust me, its no bed of roses when they come back, either.

-sammy


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I think he's out for good. They're planning to get married. Had an affair in March. Left in April. 12 weeks in now and he's lost all empathy and love for me. So I'll be good on the coming back thing I think.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How are my mind movies going.....

Well speaking of wierd deals..our crap goes way behind weird...down right unhealthy!

Back in the day, my mind movies consisided of some Jody being all soft and sweet while he thought he was suducing a married women.

As unhealthy as it was I made sure i got mine first...let the POSOM's have my sloppy seconds.

My old ladys payment was the sex for their emotional attention.

My old ladies payment for getting supported was the sex.

My point is my mind movies aren't about some POS out banging me with my chick..its about the mushy crap that chicks like that I couldn't do until now that I'm older.

At the end of the day its the EA's not the PA.....when you know how to phuck then sex is always there...its that distance they start to show...its like all they want you for is sex and money ....and they still let you slap them around! 

We both were very bad poaple back then.

Now thats a wierd deal!


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Mine come and go. I wanted a lot of details, and while the wife was about as honest as one would expect ("All of them had small penises and were terrible!") we all know damn well that wasn't the case.

So yeah a lot of times when we have sex I'm thinking about her getting plowed by some other dude. It really takes a lot of the enjoyment out of it.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Jadiel said:


> Mine come and go. I wanted a lot of details, and while the wife was about as honest as one would expect ("All of them had small penises and were terrible!") we all know damn well that wasn't the case.
> 
> So yeah a lot of times when we have sex I'm thinking about her getting plowed by some other dude. It really takes a lot of the enjoyment out of it.


Yeah, very thoughtful life sentence on the part of WW.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Forest said:


> As I look back, its seems like the mind movies were just overpowering for around 2-3 months. Then they were intermittent, but replaced with terrible rage and anger. After about 7-8 months the rage seems to be giving way to a dull, unshakable indifference.


yeah i went thru just like you man, thou the mind movies werent all that a problem for me, it was more her betrayal that consumed me....i do feel better a year out in that but just like you am turning colder with indifference...boy this sucks whats done to us.....


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

Forest said:


> As I look back, its seems like the mind movies were just overpowering for around 2-3 months. Then they were intermittent, but replaced with terrible rage and anger. After about 7-8 months the rage seems to be giving way to a dull, unshakable indifference.


I am just shy of a year since Dday. I still have the mind movies, but am often able to dismiss them now more quickly and not let them bother me as much. My wife is aware when I have them and does all the right things. I too have found a dull level of indifference about our relationship. Forever damaged, hmmm I hope not.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Welsh15 said:


> I am just shy of a year since Dday. I still have the mind movies, but am often able to dismiss them now more quickly and not let them bother me as much. My wife is aware when I have them and does all the right things. I too have found a dull level of indifference about our relationship. Forever damaged, hmmm I hope not.


Yeah their "I love you's" just don't have the same zing to them, hard to think I love you was what they were thinking when they had their clothes off with someone else.

The struggle continues


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

Had a dream about the ex last night, oddly enough. Happens about three times a year. This is all about ten years past for me, but that just shows that it never completely goes away.

It wasn't so much a mind movie as it was a dream about being back in time and just finding out. D-day. Kind of p*sses me off actually. My subconsciousness is wasting more of my time on that harlot.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Ripper said:


> Had a dream about the ex last night, oddly enough. Happens about three times a year. This is all about ten years past for me, but that just shows that it never completely goes away.
> 
> It wasn't so much a mind movie as it was a dream about being back in time and just finding out. D-day. Kind of p*sses me off actually. My subconsciousness is wasting more of my time on that harlot.


Infidelity - the gift that keeps on giving. Even if a remorseful cheater does all the right things it can never fully undo the damage they have done. That is the point so many miss - when you cheat you open a pandoras box and no amount of crying or self-flagellation can undo what you have done to another human being. I thought I had seen quite a bit of infidelity in my life but these boards have taught me so much. Whether you R or D the betrayed never fully get over the betrayal.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I didn't really have any mind movies. My husband treated me pretty badly (I know now it was to justify his behavior) so when DDay came, I was pretty detached. 

I would lay awake and try to form a plan of action about divorce, money, children, future, and could not sleep. I also could never come up with a workable really good plan and I became angrier and angrier at the situation my husband put me in.

He walked in the bedroom to get a shirt one day and I whipped my cell phone at him just because. I had never been physically violent with anyone in my life that I can recall. I just snapped. 

The whole "I Love You" statement really resonates with me though. I don't think it's really ever going to mean that much to me ever again. 

Somehow, most of us love the self torture of reading the texts or e-mails several hundred times I suppose just out of the shock of it. 

I spent a whole week, non-stop, (on DDay ) on my husbands phone and e-mail, reading over and over and over, all the things my husband had done and said. I was in utter disbelief. On the last day, I knew I was done and I mentally hit the switch to never look again. 

I knew I had my truth and information but to keep pouring over the stuff probably wasn't going to help my well being. I was more angry than hurt because I was already detached.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

What I find that helps is to due something you really like to take your mind off it. Workout, Go for a drive, watch TV, Goto the movies, Do something with kids. I went shooting at target range. Oh boy what a stress relief!

Also if you stay together you need to start doing happy thing together like when you dated. We started to reconect on a 10 day cruise we went on. No cell, email, text. Just us.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Forest
> Just wondering with others when the mind movies seem to subside, if the is any common amount of time when they begin to fade, etc



I did not have any mind moves because I did not get the gory sexual details. The affair was verified and that is all I needed to start trying to keep myself from going under and to build my self up in other areas.

I will tell you that the triggers lasted a long time. I stayed away from certain places because they were strong triggers but they subsided rapidly after a few years. If you want a more precise time I would say that the triggers were very weak and very rare after 4-5 years and did not upset my life for very long at all. Even before 4-5 years the triggers could be avoided often and were not a huge detriment to R. After 5 years the triggers kept fading and eventually the triggers no affect.

Forest how are you and Mrs. Forest doing now?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> Forest how are you and Mrs. Forest doing now?


Well, pretty dull, to be honest. We had the period where I wanted lots of attention, and she provided it. 

Then, we had the period where about every other evening I would blast off into rage-land, so she wasn't sure about whether she should pay more attention, or back off. Of course no one likes to be yelled at, so she stayed pretty silent.

Now, I try not to yell at her, but still harbor tremendous rage and resentment. POSOM is a coward who has hidden and threaten legal action if I come near him, so that avenue of healing isn't looking very bright.

So, I've settled into an "I can't believe I'm left with this forever", and am growing indifferent. She tries to remain positive, but we don't discuss things, because I will just end up back in a rage.

Long answer. Had I discovered all this 20 years ago when it ended, the only thing that would have stopped divorce would have been my daughter.

The only bright spot is that I know that somehow, someday I will meet POSOM.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Forest said:


> So, I've settled into an "I can't believe I'm left with this forever", and am growing indifferent.


This is how I feel...and I don't want to live like this for maybe the next "healthy" 20-30 years. Ok, I can hear it now, "So don't, it 's a choice too, it's my call." If only it were so simple...I'm no where who I use to be, and I miss her so much... 

-sammy


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

Rugs said:


> *
> The whole "I Love You" statement really resonates with me though. I don't think it's really ever going to mean that much to me ever again. *


......wow ....that really hits home.

......the whole "Love Thing" isn't all about the sugary sweet and swooning feelings that are so often played up as THE thing we all want. It's about having someone you trust in, to share conversations, thoughts, plans, ideas ...etc. When that trust is shattered ....nothing the betrayer says has the same meaning as it once held ....and the 'believability factor' is lost forever. 

.....I've had 'mind movies' for nearly 20 years ....and when I'm told by my wife that it's "sick' that I still do ......how can I hold anything that she says ...as sincere.

.....I'm sure there are those that will disagree ...and that's fine. It's just the way I feel ....but perhaps there are others that may express similar sentiments.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Hurtin_Still said:


> ......wow ....that really hits home.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



So she says that is sick. She's absolutely right. She did something that has sickened someone for 20 years. Would love to know how she feels about that.

Please feel free to tell her I asked.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> This is how I feel...and I don't want to live like this for maybe the next "healthy" 20-30 years. Ok, I can hear it now, "So don't, it 's a choice too, it's my call." If only it were so simple...I'm no where who I use to be, and I miss her so much...
> 
> -sammy


Hey, did you know you PM box is full?

Can't remember why I tried, but I think it was something about how can a NYC woman think the same way as a Confederate like me?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Originally Posted by Mr Blunt
> 
> 
> Forest how are you and Mrs. Forest doing now?
> ...




Forest

You are now 8-mponths from d-day with an affair that happened 20 years ago. I have a lot of sympathy for you because you have been hit by a Mack-truck.

However, *based upon what you have wrote in TAM you are coping out!* Yes that is right coping-out. You are an intelligent and honest man that has the tools available to you for you to get better. You had a thread that was titled “WHAT HELPS TO FORGIVE” and you got a ton of very good information that you even agreed with some. However, *here you are blasting off into rangeland every other day. In addition you are full of revenge.*

*How much of the good advice that you agreed upon in your thread “What Helps t Forgive” have you done?* In addition there are lots of ways that you can control your anger and get better with that negative emotion also. *What have you done to tap all resources? *There are all kinds of helps both secular and spiritual that can help you.

With you having 8-months since D-day and you being full of rage and vengeance, that tells me that you have coped out. Yes we all know what a horrendous act your wife did but you have to get on top of that. Yes it was her fault and decsion; yes it is injustice, but the hell with justice. This situation requires you to do what you have to do for YOU to get better. So get your AZZ in gear and use your rage as motivation to tap every resource that you can so you are not full of anger and vengeance.


You said that you are a church going man and that idicates that you value spirituality. *What have you done to diligently seek your God and to increase your faith and obedience? *Forgiveness is mainly a spiritual ordeal and without spiritual maturity you will have very little chance of getting a lot better IMO. I am not taking about just going to church and saying a few prayers. I am talking about you getting real deep with God and understanding that suffering, loss, pain, real faith, obedience, mercy, forgiveness, and grace are crucial in a real Christian’s life. If you think that Christianity is playing church once a week, taking communion once a month, accepting forgiveness for yourself, and asking God to bless you then you do not realize that it takes real strong men and women to do more than just talk about Christianity. Real Christianity requires you to live in this world with all the crap that you get thrown in your face and still strive to follow scripture teachings. Furthermore, *it is not enough to understand those spiritual things you HAVE TO DO THEM! That is only on you no one else.*

I can sit here all day and tell how a cheating wife is like a sewer roach and how much desire there is to grade the OM’s face on pavement until there is nothing but bone showing on his skull but *what will that do for your tormented rage and vengeance?*


For whatever it is worth I think that you have a better change than many o this TAM board to get past your emotional hell. But I see you as copping out right now but I believe that you are strong enough to stand up to this storm in the right way and come out with a good life. *What do you think?*

The choice is yours you can become more bitter or better. Your decisions and actions will determine your quality of life. Your DD will give you the choice of the BB. 
BB = BITTER or BETTER!


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Forest said:


> Today, it occurred to me that I've crossed a few new thresholds, though nothing I'd call terribly positive. I'm around 8 months from DDay. One thing is that the dreaded "mind movies" have seemed to abate some. Doesn't make me feel much better about the situation, because they've just been replaced with a realization/acceptance that all that did indeed happen. Its part of my life forever, now.
> 
> As I look back, its seems like the mind movies were just overpowering for around 2-3 months. Then they were intermittent, but replaced with terrible rage and anger. After about 7-8 months the rage seems to be giving way to a dull, unshakable indifference.
> 
> ...


It's your mind's way of trying to protect you by helping you to forget about that person. 

Next time it happens, rather than fight the feeling, try sitting with that emotion. Don't fight it, but remain calm and be with those thoughts, then start to think about YOUR future. You will find that you can make this a positive process to help you.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Forest said:


> Well, pretty dull, to be honest. We had the period where I wanted lots of attention, and she provided it.
> 
> Then, we had the period where about every other evening I would blast off into rage-land, so she wasn't sure about whether she should pay more attention, or back off. Of course no one likes to be yelled at, so she stayed pretty silent.
> 
> ...


Wow. I feel glad I just told my WW it was over now.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Forest,hahaha, 

I think it's because we've both been cheated on ! 

-sammy


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

One of my friends suggested something called EMDR therapy for this. I haven't looked into it yet though.

They don't happen much anymore. I mean like three or four times a week for an hour or two before I can get back to the present and focus on what's in front of me. But the things I saw on her facebook haunt me and they haunt me bad. I'd really like to read people say that they never think of this stuff again because I'd like to get there.

The nightmares are down hard though. Once a week, maybe twice. But I'm popping doxylaminine succinate or melatonin and valerian root. I like the last two more because the doxylaminine succinate makes me feel hungover.

If I get into the EMDR stuff I'll let you know how it goes. Good luck everyone!


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I love the fact that I have come through the worst of it. Yes, after more than 14 months since DDay I truly love it! I love the huge light at the end of the tunnel, I love the new me, the fitter me, the more self aware me, the I won't cop anyone's BS me. 

I still trigger from time to time, even weekly in some way, but it's nothing compared to the sh!t I put up with last year - that was a nightmare. 

I have to agree - the indifference is concerning but really it is unavoidable. I think that my occasional desire to tear strips off my ex WS and hit her with a snide or sarcastic remark is a small price to pay for the life time condemnation I have to wear. 

Being cheated on - who wants to have that tag on their conscience? But there it is. However my shoulders are now broad enough to handle it. This is my life and I'm really beginning to enjoy it - and hey, I now like myself like I never have in my life. My counsellor has been a godsend. We all deserve a good life.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> Forest
> 
> You are now 8-mponths from d-day with an affair that happened 20 years ago. I have a lot of sympathy for you because you have been hit by a Mack-truck.
> 
> ...


Like always, you are right morally, and logically. You are especially accurate in your examination of Christianity. I try not to bring it up much, because I know I am completely indefensible in that area right now.

The trouble is that at times, no matter how much they realize they should, people cannot bring themselves to be moral or logical.

What's especially ironic is that I have lived all other facets of my life (for the most part) morally and logically. This is just my breaking point. Yeah, I've tried to figure out how to forgive, but my gut is telling me its useless.

None of this is intended to try and sway anyone toward my thinking. I wouldn't want that for anyone. Now, I'm hoping that time does/will heal all wounds. Like all platitudes, I'm not convinced.

By the way, I'm not really set on grading OMs face into the pavement, etc. I just want to face him man to man, like I think honor should dictate. When he pleads he's had enough, I could walk away. Probably wouldn't end my campaign to ruin him in the eyes of his peers, but it would help to nudge the healing process.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

poida said:


> Wow. I feel glad I just told my WW it was over now.


Wow, I remember your name, and story... so your mind movies will fade...they will follow Horizon's...


-sammy


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

I empathize with everyone. However, from the outside looking in, this is why I am not so impressed with the great benefits of reconciliation. To settle, from dday forward, with a relationship degraded in mutual respect, degraded in trust, degraded in intimacy, degraded in love. A relationship that has lost a significant part of its value to you, period. If that isn’t a sad prospect I don’t know what is. A couple more thoughts:

1.	For some people – perhaps not many but for some - a decision to divorce after discovery of infidelity IS that simple. They know that’s their goal, setting all hand wringing aside. The details may be complex and require some thought and due diligence on their part, but the decision on ‘whether’ is clear in their mind almost from the beginning. IMO these are more than likely the kind of people that do well in life, the kind most likely to be OK with whatever life dishes out to them, a person that can successfully adapt to new realities. Most people aren’t so sure of themselves; it might be hard to emulate these kinds of people. But it also might make you feel really good if you can!

2.	If you think trying to leave the WS is a hopeless cause - e.g. you feel trapped in the marriage, more or less. Here’s what you might try – just daydream a little. Put no pressure on yourself to make anything happen, but just play it out in your mind. What would the steps be to extricate yourself from that person? How would your children react to each step? How would you mitigate their reactions? What would your life be like after divorce? Financial prospects, social? Then repeat all this but at each step put in what you imagine to be the best result possible….and see how that plays out in your mind. Again – this is just you daydreaming. Put no pressure on yourself to do anything, just fantasy. You may find that if you go through this exercise a few times that the prospects for separation or D start to look less daunting. Ideas for how you would approach certain things pop into your head, things that didn’t occur to you before. Maybe seizing upon some positive aspects of being single again, of dating again etc.

Just my impressions/reflections…..


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

1mg to 5 mg of melatonin helps with sleep and health.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

A little over a year, I thought they would taper off, they're not.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

I haven't had a mind movie in many months. I haven't forgotten about her betrayal though. I never will. 

When I started caring more about myself the mind movies began to be less frequent.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

OP, I only found out about my fWW's PA in Feb of 2013, and I still get mind movies, anger and such. For some reason I think about it in the shower more than anywhere else, and there were no shower stories in her book with OM that I know of. It's just where I think about it. 

And it happened in 2011. So there's no telling when you'll get over it, or if you ever will. 

I've decided at this point that if I am to stay with her, I have to wear it just like skin. Hopefully I won't get sunburnt.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

awake1 said:


> I haven't had a mind movie in many months. I haven't forgotten about her betrayal though. I never will.
> 
> When I started caring more about myself the mind movies began to be less frequent.


This!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Haven't really had them in an awfully long time ~ it's something that I absolutely wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!

The thought of her blatant betrayal still unnerves me!*


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

awake1 said:


> I haven't had a mind movie in many months. I haven't forgotten about her betrayal though. I never will.
> 
> When I started caring more about myself the mind movies began to be less frequent.





AngryandUsed said:


> This!


Interesting. It didn't sink in until the second mention.

Never thought much about whether I care about myself or not. I have employed more of a "rage and revenge" coping strategy, and feel like until that is satisfied, I'm unable to care about myself.

Some kind of a out of whack self respect neurosis.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Being cheated on messes with your self respect. A few, it might not. Those of us who are made differently, it will. And depending on that matrix, it will take more, or less, time. 

And triggers, beyond mind movies. There's a scar on my W's back that OM mentioned to her in one of their chats. Now every time I see it or touch it, I cringe. I know, rationally, that he was all over her. But the specific mention created, in me, a specific reaction. 

Who knows how long it will take to not have that reaction? Same category, for me, as a mind movie.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

just an honest question - 
what happens/would happen to the mind movies if the BH divorces the WW, then meets and falls in love with another woman and pursues a relationship with her?? would he be/is he still haunted by images of the (now) ex with the OM?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> just an honest question -
> what happens/would happen to the mind movies if the BH divorces the WW, then meets and falls in love with another woman and pursues a relationship with her?? would he be/is he still haunted by images of the (now) ex with the OM?


Just theory, as I have not gone that route: I think in that scenario, the mind movies would cease, or have little impact, at least for me.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> Being cheated on messes with your self respect. A few, it might not. Those of us who are made differently, it will. And depending on that matrix, it will take more, or less, time.
> 
> And triggers, beyond mind movies. There's a scar on my W's back that OM mentioned to her in one of their chats. Now every time I see it or touch it, I cringe. I know, rationally, that he was all over her. But the specific mention created, in me, a specific reaction.
> 
> Who knows how long it will take to not have that reaction? Same category, for me, as a mind movie.



Why in Gods Name would anyone want to stay !!!!!...But as the writer Paul Theroux says in one of his travelogues, “It is very easy to plant a bomb in a peaceful, trusting place.” That is what the cheating spouse has done. Then detonated it.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

nuclearnightmare said:


> just an honest question -
> what happens/would happen to the mind movies if the BH divorces the WW, then meets and falls in love with another woman and pursues a relationship with her?? would he be/is he still haunted by images of the (now) ex with the OM?


The BS would not be able to enter or maintain a healthy new relationship until the issues/trauma that led to the divorce in your scenario were properly dealt with.

D or R, really doesnt matter much as both routes have a time frame, and as mentioned by others here, the time a person needs to fully recover differs by individual, 2-5 years is a commonly cited time frame for full recovery.

In my case, the mind movies were not terrible to begin with, and really ceased to exist sometime during HB. If I had to put a clock on it, it was about 3 months from her confessing her A to a formal NC and the start of R. I cant remember any mind movies past month 4, I stopped triggering at around the 10-12 month mark, and spent very little time thinking about it at all after the 1.5 year mark or so.

All that being said. I was seeing a counselor twice a week for the first 6 months or so. She was also seeing her own counselor at the same frequency. We started couples counseling with my IC shortly after R began, bringing the total number of times we each saw a counselor to 3x per week. I also saw a psychiatrist within two weeks of her confession and began taking sertraline(zoloft) daily (I ended up pretty stable at 75-100mg per day) It was a massive help as it helps curtail intrusive and repetitive thoughts as well as nagging doubt.

She also did everything in her power to help us move forward. Including demonstrating a real commitment to the marriage and the work it takes to make one a success. That included having an expectation that I would do the same and letting me know when she felt I was dropping the ball, no easy task for a person with massive guilt and true remorse about what they did.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

I cannot remember the last time I had a mind movie. Of course I am many years past d-day. 

Mind movies were never a huge pain for me, not even sure I had any. I never asked about the entire extra sexual details that I think are unnecessary. I knew 100% that she had sex with the OM and that was enough for me to take action and I did. 

I think it is a mistake to ask some questions about some of the details. When you know that your partner betrayed you then you do not need those extra sexual details that do not help you. Wanting to get those extra details are understandable but they seem like a moth drawn to the flame.

I had plenty of pain in the first few years but I got my self improved in many areas and became more self sufficient. Her betrayal freed me up to think just about me and I took that opportunity to improve myself and do some of my “Bucket List” things and get stronger.

If I wanted revenge then I go it by being so much better that the cheaters. They say that improving yourself and being a winner is the best revenge. My guess is that they are right.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> Why in Gods Name would anyone want to stay !!!!!...But as the writer Paul Theroux says in one of his travelogues, “It is very easy to plant a bomb in a peaceful, trusting place.” That is what the cheating spouse has done. Then detonated it.


We all wonder at times -- but love is a funny thing. Life is complex. There's no one answer for everyone.


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