# New member in need of advice please



## Fate43 (Apr 15, 2012)

Hi, I am anew member recently separated from my wife and looking for advice. Let me give you all a little history first (sorry its a lot). 
Me and my wife met when she was 16 and I was 19 we connected instantly and spent a lot of time together. We both got busy with life and such and stopped talking after about a month. A year went by and we met up at a grocery store and exchanged numbers once again. That night we decided to date again and we talked all night, from that moment on we were inseparable. About six months in to the relationship we got pregnant, unfortunately she miscarried and that devastated both of us. 
In about another six months I asked her to marry me she said yes and I told her to set a date she was comfortable with. Shortly after the engaement she became pregnant again and this time we had our first little girl. We were happy. We then moved in together and started our family. About two years into living together we had our first real fight over finances, I yelled and threw something across the room (not toward her or anything like that) and it scared her. I returned home from work later that evening to find all of her stuff gone. We talked that night and she explained why she left and the next day returned home after we talked it out.
Fast forward 4 years and we were pregnant again with our second daughter, My wife had decided a date to be wed, Sept 1 2007 about a month before her due date. We got married and were happy, About six months into the marriage I started working ridiculous hours and using any spare time to do stuff with my friends. Foru months later she told me she wanted to move out that she was confused and didnt know what she wanted. I knew something stunk, Well she had an affair with a co-worker and I found out about it. She agreed to stop it and we saw a councilor for a while and we worked through it. During that time we had under went some extreme financial difficulties and we wound up having to live with her parents for some time. 
Which brings us to present time (She is 26 and I am 29) we moved into an apartment last July and started our lives again. This past November when she got off of work one night she sat quietly on the couch and said nothing to me all night, I knew something was wrong. I asked her what was wrong and she repeatedly said nothing, I knew she wasn't being honest and she finally caved and told me she was unhappy and confused and didn't know what she wanted anymore. 
After talking and crying all night I left to go to my parents house where I called our pastor he wanted to meet with us and discuss our marriage. I called her and she agreed to talk with him. She agreed the best way to work on our problems was to stay together at home. During this time I suffered severe anxiety which turned into Severe Depression/Anxiety and that really took the focus off of the marriage for a month or two, After I began to bounce back we started seeing a councilor and started making some progress, We fought a lot more during this time due to the increase of stress on both of us, I asked several times if she was having an affair she swears to God she is not, I believe it as she doesn't even have time for one and I have checked her phone and emails to no avail. This ticked her off but at the same time she was willing to do so because of her past mistake. 

Three Sundays ago I got home from church and she told me she was leaving for a few days with the girls. She told me she needed some time and space to clear her head and gain some perspective as we were having to many issues pop up that made it impossible to think about anything else. Long story short I could not give her space and she got really upset about it, I tried to not call and text but it was not possible for me. after 2 and a half weeks she told me since I wasn't giving her the time and space she needed she would force it and she told me this is now a separation. She has talked about getting her own bank account and signing me off the lease of the apartment and so on. She told me she doesn't know if she wants to divorce but she said she doesn't know what the future holds and that if she comes back it will be her decision. She told me she loves me and that I am her best friend but right now this is what she needs. I am a wreck and dont know what to make of any of this. I hate not being with her all I want is to be a family and try to repair our marriage. 
I am having a hard time with all of this, my pastor has talked with her and told me I needed to give her time to think. Her best friend says that she is really upset by this and that she just needs a little space. I am going crazy because it seems like there may be hope, but sometimes it seems hopeless.Is she seriously considering divorce or was this just her way of forcing me to give her time and space.

Thanks for reading I know its a lot but I feel the more details I give the better advice/support I may receive. I would love women and men both to comment on what they think is going on here .


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## Phoenixrfa (Mar 31, 2012)

Hello, fate43,

Your situation is similar to many in here. I am newly separated also. There are many here who are way better at this than me and you will receive lots of advice. Having said that here is what I think. You may not want to hear this. Give her space and time. It will be hard, harder than I can really describe. I know, I am doing that now. Work out details about who lives where and about your daughters. Talk to your pastor or a councilor. Chat with people here. Read about the 180 and no Contact. Work on yourself. Give yourself space and time. The more you push at her the more she will want to be apart from you. It still may not work out no matter what. I am still holding out hope in my case. I hope it all works out for you. Most days I become a little stronger and so will you.


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## Fate43 (Apr 15, 2012)

Thanks for the response, Pheonixrfa I have decided to go to NC and I have been working on changing things about myself since November when this all came about and continue to do so. I was not doing the NC when she just asked for time and space, I actually pushed and pushed and dumped all my emotions on her and that led her to make the separation decision, which I feel like I made her choose because of how I acted during the initial time and space agreement. 
The only thing left for me to try is NC. So I am forced to give her time and space. She has expressed to me that she cant think clearly with all the arguing we have been doing lately, her head is polluted with what is currently going on and she hasn't had time to really evaluate her feelings. I can understand this and I am kicking myself right now for not initially giving her time to think. 
I really wanted to respect her need of space but it proved to be a difficult task. The one thing I have going for me is that she said that she realized if she wanted me to do something difficult like this for her that she would have to force it. She said this several time prior to the separation. I kinda get the feeling she is giving me one last chance to back off and give her what she asked for, with out actually saying it.


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## Phoenixrfa (Mar 31, 2012)

Good. It sounds like you know what you need to do. Doing it is the hard part. You will probably need to do a modified NC because of your kids. Keep your conversations strictly about the kids as much as possible. If she wants to discuss anything else, keep your answers short or just say you have to go. Keep this up until she has had time to sort out her feelings. Easier said than done. I know. Just hang in there.


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## Fate43 (Apr 15, 2012)

Phoenixrfa said:


> Good. It sounds like you know what you need to do. Doing it is the hard part. You will probably need to do a modified NC because of your kids. Keep your conversations strictly about the kids as much as possible. If she wants to discuss anything else, keep your answers short or just say you have to go. Keep this up until she has had time to sort out her feelings. Easier said than done. I know. Just hang in there.


 so I broke nc today, God it is hard to do. I would up breaking down on the phone with her after telling my girls goodnight. I feel so weak right now and out of control. I hate it, she finished the conversation with "I don't know why you don't listen to our pastor and your best friends who tell you to do what I asked you to do" that is time and space to collect her thoughts. I am gonna start over tomorrow contactingbher only for the kids. Lord I need the strength to get through this. Any more advice would be helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Fate43, I hate to say this but you got to start living life for yourself. At this stage you almost have to pretend this is done. Once you are on your own feet and feel good about being just by yourself this will all be better. I know it's hard to imagine but you got to find internal confidence and stop relying on her.

I'm in a similar position and it sucks but work on you. Feel good about you and it's not so bad to be alone. The kids is the hardest part and that's why you have to do this. You need to be a collected and grounded person for them. Even if your wife doesn't see it now, doing that and being there for them is going to be one of the best ways to show your value.

Hope this helps and hope that you and yours make it through this.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Fate43, I hate to say this but you got to start living life for yourself. At this stage you almost have to pretend this is done. Once you are on your own feet and feel good about being just by yourself.

I'm in a similar position and it sucks but work on you. Feel good about you and it's not so bad to be alone. The kids is the hardest part and that's why you have to do this. You need to be a collected and grounded person for them. Even if your wife doesn't see it now, doing that and being their for them is going to be one of the best ways to show your value.

Hope this helps and hope that you and yours make it through this.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Just hang in there, brother! Your daughters are now your primary focus in life and you should work to always keep it that way. And remember what Christ said in Matthew 11:28 - "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." He will not put any more on your shoulders than you can possibly carry!

We will continue to be in constant prayer for you!


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## Fate43 (Apr 15, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> Just hang in there, brother! Your daughters are now your primary focus in life and you should work to always keep it that way. And remember what Christ said in Matthew 11:28 - "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." He will not put any more on your shoulders than you can possibly carry!
> 
> We will continue to be in constant prayer for you!


Thank for the words of encouragement, Today was a good day for me I have started reading "Love must be tough" and boy is it an eye opener, I found myself actually getting infuriated because it made me realize how much of a doormat I had been. I have a renewed sense of self respect and I am not even done with the book. 
The wife also called me after she got off of work and I sent her straight to voice mail, She said she wanted to make sure I got a chance to tell the girls goodnight (which I already had since they were with her mother and I called to talk to them). After the voice mail she texted me twice, both times I did not reply and then she called again within a span of an hour or so and I sent her to voice mail again and she didnt leave a message. This is hard but I actually felt empowered by ignoring her. 

My pastor insists that if I give her time to sort through her emotions, put my trust in God and find the man inside me that she fell in love with she will come around. She has talked with him recently so I trust his judgement. Like I always say if He brings you to it He will bring you through it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Fate43 said:


> Like I always say if He brings you to it He will bring you through it.


Just listen to and keep your unending faith in Him and He will truly show you the way! We'll be praying for you! Please continue to keep us posted!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Fate,

Nothing is less attractive to a woman than to see her man out of emotional control.

Think about that the next time you are tempted to break down.


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## Fate43 (Apr 15, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Fate,
> 
> Nothing is less attractive to a woman than to see her man out of emotional control.
> 
> Think about that the next time you are tempted to break down.


Believe me I know this, I am done breaking down in front of her. We have since talked seriously and we agreed that this separation was to give us some breathing room while the smoke cleared from the last few months. 
We agreed to take time and reflect on how we got where we are. We have both admitted we have done just as much damage as the other and accepted responsibility for past hurts. She has a communication problem that stems from her childhood and I have anger issues that I need to work on as well as control issues when it comes to how we deal with problems. 
We also discussed how she feels like she feels like she needs to find out who she is, She says her identity has been built around our marriage and family for the last few years and she needs a little breathing room to find things that make her happy. We had discussed how we are responsible for our own happiness and that we cant depend on one another to make us 100% happy all the time. 
I know this is true 100% because she has always been supportive of me and all the things I wanted to do outside of the family and marriage and she never had time for herself. I am involved in a lot of things and I need to cut some of them out to give her time to be her and not wife or mother. She is a people pleaser and this is something she is working to overcome right now which I have been encouraging her to do for some time now.
So I feel we may be heading in the direction of reconciliation before to long because she has opened back up to me emotionally and she also came to a concert to support me tonight. I called her afterward to see what time I could expect to see my girls tomorrow and we chatted for a minute and she told me I sounded great tonight, in a very sweet tone of voice. She told me how impressed she was with the band. That made my night and gave me a little hope that maybe this isn't as bad as I have been making it out to be.


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