# dating too soon?



## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

Me an stbxw separated in Jan, she moved out in April. Told kids(12+14). I met someone in Jun and have been dating 3 months. Very strong feelings between us have told each other we love one another. Kids met her one weekend at a gathering of friends as a friend, liked her a lot. A few weeks later told them we were dating, meltdown by my daughter, she says I no longer care about her feelings. Last week she found her toothbrush at house and I don't like lying to my kids and said yes she spent the night. She said she would never like her , ripped up all the pictures she had of her says I don't understand the hurt I'm causing her. I do understand and I really want to put her first but I feel as though she will have to accept the fact that dad will date and I don't want to break up with gf . I also worry gf will lose patience with not being brought around the kids but I am not going to do that till I feel the kids can handle it. My son is ready he wants her to come over but daughter doesn't want to see her. I've been hurting all week trying to reconcile my desire to see the woman I'm crazy for and my want to make my daughter feel.less pain. 
Signed confused. Btw marriage was 17 years


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

your D is afraid new g/f is going to "replace" mom. Very normal.

be patient. and if g/f loves you...she should understand the situation


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Does GF have kids?

I am dealing with something similar. Fathers and daughters/mothers and sons....complicated stuff.

Your D is experiencing a myriad of emotions. 1) replacement of mother 2) loss of father fear 3)feelings of betrayal of mother as she liked the gf and 4)letting go of the fantasy that her parents get back together.

Tbh, it was a bit early for your kids to meet her. Still, it is done now. So, go slow. What are the custody arrangements? I would have the gf over when the kids are not at your place. And keep the pda to a minimum.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Your D's feelings are entirely appropriate.
Think of this from her point of view. You replaced her mom in three months. That is terrifying. She doesn't want to be replaced herself.

Back off the relationship. Its all very well and good that you two are "in love", but be a dad first. No more overnights until D can accept this.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

You honestly should be dating while your separated...otherwise you should be telling the kids that your getting a divorce....your sending mix messages to your kids....you basically screwed up and your daughter must come first....before this chick....that is your responsibility as a parent.....stop being selfish.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

It took one of my kids years to reconcile the fact that her mother and I were not getting back togther. You have jumped in with another woman in only a couple of months. How do you think your daughter might feel?

A lot of reading I did while separated focused on understanding what happened to end the marriage, coming to grips with that inside yourself, and then making changes to prevent the same issues from resurfacing in a new relationship. It takes time to mourn the loss of a relationship, especially a long one, work through the stages of grief, and then go through the healing and understanding. You have skipped the mouring and healing phase. Granted for some, those phases are not very long, but I would be hard pressed to say 3 months is enough.

At this point you should be trying to help your kids work through the divorce and their feelings, because even though they did not get to make any decisions in this process, they have to live with the consequences. But instead you have meet someone else and put them on the back burner. 

I am guessing that you have some amazing sex and intense feelings with this new woman. But do you really have a lot in common with this woman or is she just good in the sack? You can't answer this question since you really don't know each other at this stage. You are in the "honeymmon phase" where everything is wonderful.

Take this from a guy that has been there and made that mistake in my life. This is a classic rebound type relationship. My best advice is cool it with the other woman, you are not even divorced yet, and focus on your kids and rebuilding the rest of your life. Get everything else settled and then start to look for a significant other. You might even find that being single is a lot of fun.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

kids in their early teens do not have coping mechanisms...that is why

parents are critical. And a father is extremely critical in a 12-14 y/o daughter's life.

Someone said see g/f on weekends the kids are at their mom's. I am

certain this new woman has made you feel like you did many years ago.

But how much is it worth if you devastate your D?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I have no experience with this yet, so only an opinion - but a few quick reactions:

1) decide, here and now, what is more important -- new love, or your daughter. OK, dramatic point made. Now, make all decisions with that in mind...

2) while you have every right to be happy and frankly cannot succumb to anyone, even your daughter, telling you what you can and can't do you OWE it to daughter to work through this in terms she can handle. Regardless of what it means to this woman you already "love"... sorry, too soon for that to be, imho. Unless you've been dating her from pre-separation times?

3) If you are seriously worried new woman will tire of daughter drama and exit, then she doesn't 'love' you, and you don't really love her. 

4) I would get you and daughter an appointment with someone who you can talk to, so that she has a safe place to yell at you, break down, and a trained pro can help crack through what is going on and get a strategy together with you both on how to move forward.

Again, just opinions, no experience yet here. And no daughter. Whatever you do, do not make the mistake of invalidating her right to her opinions and feelings. She is going to remember how you handle things right now for the rest of her life. Make her proud, without being manipulated into just breaking it off.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I honestly do not understand how people are ready to date so soon after a separation/divorce. Do you not want to become better?

3 months in and you are already saying I love you?? 

For a daughter, the father is the first and foremost love. You will always be your little girl's father. She adores you. She feels confused, replaced, ignored. Do what you must, but make sure your daughter knows how important she is to you.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Too soon to be thinking about love and long term relationships. You are still on the rebound. Date if you must, get out of the house and have some fun. But don't get serious right now. You are probably in love with how the new relationship soothes your pain. 

Heal yourself, get you head straight. Then you can focus on your daughter.


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## billy baru (Sep 23, 2014)

Acoa said:


> Too soon to be thinking about love and long term relationships. You are still on the rebound. Date if you must, get out of the house and have some fun. But don't get serious right now. You are probably in love with how the new relationship soothes your pain.
> 
> Heal yourself, get you head straight. Then you can focus on your daughter.


This ^^^.

I'm in the same boat as you are ( although without the new GF, but getting ready to end a long term M). Give yourself the time to mourn the end of your M and the time for your daughter to get used to the idea of Daddy having a new woman in his life.

Not to be a d1ck, but a lot of courts frown upon new relationships going on when you're still married ( seperated does not mean divorced, as much as my ETBXW may think so). Chill a bit, brother, focus your time and energies on your little girl.

Hang in there

BB


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