# Hurt and need advice



## colangelo (Oct 31, 2011)

Ok so, my wife and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4 months w/ 2 children. While laying in bed one evening, she decided to tell me that she had been sexually assaulted. Her abuser was her best friends brother. Although, as time went on ( 2 days), I began to give the situation more thought and slowly began to have my suspicions. I would ask for more details and much like an interrogation, ask more and more questions. Long story short, she then told me that the encounter was of a consensual sort. I got her to admit that she had sex with another man and enjoyed it but she had also stated that she stopped it during the act, mid-way because she had felt guilty. I'm not sure I believe that part though. At first I was furious and unable to even look at her not to mention be civil. As time goes on though, I've begun to think that there might be some chance of reconciliation but, the mere thought of intimacy freaks me out because all can envision is them two having sex. Also, I have so many intimacy issues already due to being victimized by women and my father sexually when I was a child, starting at around 5 years old. This is one of the things that makes it hard because she knew all of this about me and still cheated. As a result of the sexual abuse when I was child, our sex life wasn't as active as she would've liked, ( about 1-2 times a week) but, it's just difficult for me to express myself in that way. I feel so confused and hurt that therapy seems to be the only option as to gain specific tools and deal with the many issues acquired. Of course, any comments would be appreciated.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

When did this happen? You have only been married 4 months. You both need to get tested for STD's. She saying she stopped in the middle of intercourse because of feeling guilty is laughable. She really must think you are a fool. Based on a timeline you may want to get a paternity test on one of your children. By the way the cheating spouse rarely ever tells you the full truth the first time. Do not be surprised if this was not just one time. Good luck.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

As BryanP said, both of you have to get tested for STDs.

And yes to professional therapy for BOTH of you.

What do you want? D or R. You must make a choice and be able to live with it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Has she remained friends with her BFF and the brother? Because if there is any hope then that must end. You don't get to cheat and then carry on like nothing happened.

And btw 1-2 times a week is fairly active to a lot of people, and does not qualify as putting her in desperate don't get enough at home territory.

Here's perhaps an important detail, how did she come to find herself in a position with the OM to have this even begin. You see that's when the cheating started, not when they got naked, but when she got physically close enough to begin touching and kissing. 

I doubt this is all there is to the story, do not let her just sweep it under the rug saying.arent you happy I stopped it before I cheated? Because like I said, she cheated the moment she accepted him being inside her physical zone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## colangelo (Oct 31, 2011)

bryanp said:


> When did this happen? You have only been married 4 months. You both need to get tested for STD's. She saying she stopped in the middle of intercourse because of feeling guilty is laughable. She really must think you are a fool. Based on a timeline you may want to get a paternity test on one of your children. By the way the cheating spouse rarely ever tells you the full truth the first time. Do not be surprised if this was not just one time. Good luck.


 It happened apperently 4 weeks ago and I actually found out she had cheated 1 week ago. Also, I did have her go to a womens clinic to get tested and will find out the resuts this week. And yeah, stopping in the middle of things does seem laughable but, she's swearing by it and I guess I'm not sure how to tell if she's lying.


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## colangelo (Oct 31, 2011)

morituri said:


> As BryanP said, both of you have to get tested for STDs.
> 
> And yes to professional therapy for BOTH of you.
> 
> What do you want? D or R. You must make a choice and be able to live with it.


I guess part of me haven't decided yet but, we did make an appointment for therapy at the end of this week. I still feel really confused.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

to help you make the R or D decision you should start digging and see if there was any other affairs or if it was going on longer than what she said

start with phone records to see if there were large amount of calls or texts placed


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## colangelo (Oct 31, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Has she remained friends with her BFF and the brother? Because if there is any hope then that must end. You don't get to cheat and then carry on like nothing happened.
> 
> And btw 1-2 times a week is fairly active to a lot of people, and does not qualify as putting her in desperate don't get enough at home territory.
> 
> ...


Yeah, she still wants to be friends w/ her BFF but I've let her know how uncomfortable that would make me feel. As far as sexual activity, she's saying that part of the reason is I hadn't been making her feel sexy enough. But now, she's changed her story saying, it's her insecurities and not me. This could be believable because in a way, she's trying to search within herself and answer that question, "Why did I cheat"...? Because mabey she's not sure.

Also, the encounter happened when she was volunteering to work at our local theater and had a little to much to drink according to her and the OM was drunk as well, followed her into the bathroom; initiated a kiss, she kissed back and they went from there. It sounds stupid but, her stating that she stopped it mid-way would mean a lot and I'm really struggling with the fact that they could've finished. Even though cheating is cheating.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Typical fact dampening.
Hear what she says, but believe it less.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Odds are she is lying about both the extent of the affair and his completion. One waytofind out is to have her take a polygraph. There are very good odds that thiere is way more here than you know.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Think about her story, because it doesn't add up.

The guy just decided to, after a couple of drinks, to out oftye blue follow her in and start kissing. There was clearly something already going on that would have made him think thatthiswould be acceptable with her. No man would just go in to the nath like this expecting it to be ok. Which it appears to ave been.

There s much more here than she is admitting too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## colangelo (Oct 31, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Odds are she is lying about both the extent of the affair and his completion. One waytofind out is to have her take a polygraph. There are very good odds that thiere is way more here than you know.


Perhaps our therapist can do one otherwise, where could I go for something like that....?


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Ask the cops for a referral.
And, nice catch by Shaggy. Her story sucks.


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## colangelo (Oct 31, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Think about her story, because it doesn't add up.
> 
> The guy just decided to, after a couple of drinks, to out oftye blue follow her in and start kissing. There was clearly something already going on that would have made him think thatthiswould be acceptable with her. No man would just go in to the nath like this expecting it to be ok. Which it appears to ave been.
> 
> ...


Keep in mind this dude is a total horn-dog that is a raging alcoholic and cannot keep it in his pants. Plus, he's made multiple advances towards her in the past that she's told me about. Of course she said nothing ever came of it and she had turned him down each time.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

One technique used by investigators is to have the person tell the story in reverse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## colangelo (Oct 31, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> One technique used by investigators is to have the person tell the story in reverse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As to check for inconstancies....? I'll give it a shot cause at this point I'm pretty desperate and can't take the fact that I don't know what's going on.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

colangelo said:


> As to check for inconstancies....? I'll give it a shot cause at this point I'm pretty desperate and can't take the fact that I don't know what's going on.


Yes. Turns out people have trouble constructing lies in reverse order. We are taught in school to write stories, but in a forward order.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

colangelo said:


> Keep in mind this dude is a total horn-dog that is a raging alcoholic and cannot keep it in his pants. Plus, he's made multiple advances towards her in the past that she's told me about. Of course she said nothing ever came of it and she had turned him down each time.


Well, you are relying on the characterizations of a known liar, your wife. Were you there when he approached her in the past? Did you witness any of this?


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I think you have to use some common sense here. She allowed the guy to do whatever he wanted including the act of sexual intercourse. I doubt very much she stopped in the middle of it as well. That's just her trying to save some face with you and get you to try and feel for her being conflicted.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Where was this friend while her brother was screwing her?? At the very least she saw the flirting etc prior to!!! I would also check her email/texts if can to see what they said to each other both the brother and friend. Was she calling/texing the brother prior etc!!

But yes she loses this friend.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She's still lying, end of story.

1st it's a rape, then it could have been consensual, the it's the alcohol and the heat of the moment. Next it's gonna be it was only once, oh wait but the kissing, groping and other stuff doesn't count as sex (according to some politicians).

Tell her she should have said aliens came down and put ray guns to their heads and made them have sex as an experiment. That would probably have been more believable.


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## colangelo (Oct 31, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Well, you are relying on the characterizations of a known liar, your wife. Were you there when he approached her in the past? Did you witness any of this?


No, I hadn't witnessed any of the incidents. As far as the brother's character, I know him personally to be this way cause he's done this to more than one relationship.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm curious, did the two of you inform the OM's sister about the incident? If you did, what was her reaction? 

I ask this because your wife may be surprised that her so called BFF is nothing of the sort. In cases like this, blood is thicker than water which means that OM's sister may put all the blame on your wife and none on her brother.

In any case, if there is the desire on both your parts to R then she is going to have to end her friendship with her BFF considering that the OM is her BFF's brother and any continuing contact with him will sabotage any efforts to R. Your wife has to decide which is more important, her friendship the OM' sister or your marriage. She can't have both.

Lastly, are you in therapy to help you heal from your childhood sexual abuse?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Wow. This has to be a new low for Trickle Truth. First the alleged rape, then the admission it was consensual, then the alcohol, etc, and finally the grand finale...stopping in mid intercourse. This has to be a new one for the forums. I thought the worst one was the checking into the hotel room for hours and just talking. 

As long as we're on TT, I would say that BFF knew all along. BFF's brother (OM) just happened to be at the same function, the same brother who's made passes at your wife for some time. Sorry, so much more than a coincidence. BFF knew, and I would wager to say that she's facilitated this affair. I also don't believe that this was one time, the equivalent of an ONS. This makes BFF a toxic friend and not a friend of the marriage. If R happens, she would have to go NC with the toxic BFF. 

Sorry colangelo, but your WW is the queen of TT. You've only uncovered the tip of the iceberg. Start digging!


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Again you have only been married for 4 months and she allows another man to have intercourse in the bathroom with her? Do you feel special and lucky that she is your wife? She claims rape and then changes her story that she was drinking and stopped in the middle? How does one stop in the middle? She tells you 4 weeks later which means she allowed you to have sex with her after she had unprotected sex with him and put your health at risk for STD's.

She is a real piece of work. A women that that would do this after 4 months of marriage is pretty low. Again I would not trust her and on the safe side have paternity tests on your children. 

This whole story sounds bogus. I think Shaggy nailed it. No man would push himself in the bathroom and start kissing your wife if he had not done it before or at least received some positive vibes from your wife. The fact that she kissed back and allowed intercourse tells you there is way more to this story. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life would someone who would humiliate, disrespect and degrade you and your marriage in such a way?


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## colangelo (Oct 31, 2011)

morituri said:


> I'm curious, did the two of you inform the OM's sister about the incident? If you did, what was her reaction?
> 
> I ask this because your wife may be surprised that her so called BFF is nothing of the sort. In cases like this, blood is thicker than water which means that OM's sister may put all the blame on your wife and none on her brother.
> 
> ...


So no, we did not confront her BFF; she decided to do that before telling me. And I have told her that I feel uncomfortable that she remain friends with the BFF. Of course just the other day I busted her over at the BFF's house, ( in the driveway ) talking and flipped out. In the end she said and I quote, "well, we're still best friends". I told her she should consider our marriage to be her number one priority instead of her friendship with the BFF. Infact, I was really hurt that she would even prefer to work on that relationship. All in all, I'm starting to think that it will be best to end her friendship so ours can continue. As far as therapy for the past sexual abuse; I am now receiving counseling for that as well as for our marriage; without, I believe my future would look pretty grim.


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## colangelo (Oct 31, 2011)

Ok so, the plot thickens...! Everyone was right about the whole story not being told. I had my suspicions which ultimately lead me to dig deeper. Aside from the prior advance's he had made towards her, ( which she says nothing came of them) it all started about 6 weeks ago when she gave him a ride to somewhere that he needed to go, they kissed in the car and he ended up coping a feel of her crotch. She said that was the extent of that incident. 2 weeks later, they were at the Theater and he followed her to the bathroom, proceeded to kiss her, she kissed back and then they had intercourse. And yeah, she admitted that he was able to ejaculate and finish. She claims that nothing else happened but now I'm left to wonder if this was more like an affair that had been drawn out over time. Cause believe me that there we're plenty of opportunities. Not to mention that when her BFF got married, ( which was in between the first kiss and intercourse part of the story )she had spent the night at the lodge were they had the wedding reception. She said that he tried to follow her into the bathroom, make another advance that next morning because she went to take a shower. But of course she say's nothing happened and she ended up turning him down. Now that I think of it though, why would she even want a shower considering the lodge is only 15 miles from our house. Guess me being a guy and all, I would've just left that morning and come home to take a shower, right...? But I did have the car and she didn't really have the opportunity to leave on her own. On the good side though, as I write this reply, we've found out that the STD's test came back clean. So all in all, I guess I'm still confused and can't be sure about how deep this really goes because after she had admitted to the later details, which was just this morning, I feel like she can still be lying; even though she's swearing that she's told me everything now. One thing I do know though is that if we are to reconcile this marriage, I have to know everything and I'm not sure that she's telling me the entire truth yet.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

colangelo it is evident that your wife did not held special value in becoming your wife 4 or 5 months ago. The majority of newlywed wives in her situation would have given any man like her BFF brother a hard pimp slap and a shout fest for sexually assaulting them.

Without remorse and a willingness to do everything in her power to help regain your trust, it is only a matter of time when she will cheat on you again. Your choice is to accept the situation the way it is or file for divorce so that she knows that you will never accept what she did and more so since she has done nothing to help regain your trust.


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## colangelo (Oct 31, 2011)

morituri said:


> colangelo it is evident that your wife did not held special value in becoming your wife 4 or 5 months ago. The majority of newlywed wives in her situation would have given any man like her BFF brother a hard pimp slap and a shout fest for sexually assaulting them.
> 
> Without remorse and a willingness to do everything in her power to help regain your trust, it is only a matter of time when she will cheat on you again. Your choice is to accept the situation the way it is or file for divorce so that she knows that you will never accept what she did and more so since she has done nothing to help regain your trust.


Not that it matters all that much but, we have been together for almost 7 years without infidelity as far as know and she's begging me not to divorce her. Although, I believe you have a point and I don't know if I can live with or accept the simple fact that she cheated on me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So now she admits to two times, along with lies, and a refusal to end the BFF relationship that is continuing to provide both support for her cheating, and also access/opportunity.

Tell me, what is she actually doing to deal with the basic fact that she has now repeatedly physically let this guy have intimate contact? 

Other than telling you a big lie and trickle truth, what hassle actually done to begin repairing your relationship? 

Honestly if this is her at 4.months,you gotta be scared of her at 6 months.

Has she given up her secrecy ? Does she let you know where she is and who she is with? Sounds like the answer is NO. She is acting like it is all business as usual and you should just accept that's he is a willing cheater and get over it.

Honestly, I would atthis point be showing her the door along with a set of strict requirements on changes in her boundaries and honesty before she would be allowed back.

As for the guy,I think it should be explained to your wife, that if he and she were ever to even exchange a glance, that she wil be gone, and he will be spending time looking at the ceiling in the hospital.

At the moment however it seems that your wife willing gives him what ever he wants when he wants it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Not a good way to start a marriage. And so recent too.

Is there a need for you to stay married with a cheater? Can you continue to tolerate her lack of moral character the rest of your life?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Begging you not to divorce her is NOT enough, only HER ACTIONS mean anything. If you want to give her a chance to prove to you that she can be worthy of being with you, then you must tell her your non-negotiable boundaries.

1. End all contact with the OM forever as well as her BF because she is her brother and thus a source of renewed contact with the OM. If the BF is truly a friend, she will understand and not hold it against her - this is the acid test of true friendship.

2. Willingly adhere to total transparency. No secrets ever.

3. Counseling to address and resolve her issues that allowed her to betray you.

Now understand that if you give her a chance, you must vow NOT to throw the affair in her face whenever you have an argument. If you can't do this, then no matter if she does everything above, you will be sabotaging your marriage and you just might as well file for divorce right now.

Your move.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Divorce at 4 months of marriage due to adultery is favorable to you in terms of support payments if any. 

Best interview a few lawyers to get more info.

Showing yourself some respect goes a long way for your mental health and outlook (especially given your abuse as a child).


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## colangelo (Oct 31, 2011)

morituri said:


> Begging you not to divorce her is NOT enough, only HER ACTIONS mean anything. If you want to give her a chance to prove to you that she can be worthy of being with you, then you must tell her your non-negotiable boundaries.
> 
> 1. End all contact with the OM forever as well as her BF because she is her brother and thus a source of renewed contact with the OM. If the BF is truly a friend, she will understand and not hold it against her - this is the acid test of true friendship.
> 
> ...


Good point...! The hard part is accepting her version of the truth and try to take that next step ya know. But your right, it's my move.


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## colangelo (Oct 31, 2011)

aug said:


> Divorce at 4 months of marriage due to adultery is favorable to you in terms of support payments if any.
> 
> Best interview a few lawyers to get more info.
> 
> Showing yourself some respect goes a long way for your mental health and outlook (especially given your abuse as a child).


Yeah I know Aug. but, I'm just confused and just wish she could be honest with me.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Annulment might also be an option this early on. 7 years together? I bet you know the tip of her iceberg in ths area.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Do you feel proud and special that she is your wife? Your wife has constantly lied to you and cheated on you in such a degrading way. I am sorry but she is playing you for a fool. I think an annulment makes the most sense. She clearly has no respect for her wedding vows and for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


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