# Update on my situation!!! Good news finally!!



## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

It's been about 1 month since my last update, and I can finally post some good results here! I've been free of sex for about 7 months now. I recently went out with some friends and one of them tried to hook me up but not at my request. This woman is VERY attractive, and has an awesome sense of humor. Overall a really great person! Well we hit it off very well and started dating :smthumbup:. Unfortunately just yesterday we broke it off as she wanted to get sexual. We are going to remain friends but she seemed very upset that I didn't want to be intimate. I tried to explain to her that I just don't want the distraction in my life right now. I was fine with hugs and kisses, but I've been doing great for about 7 months now so I don't see the point to break that streak and risk getting my interest in sex back while my focus is on other more important things in life right now. I'm just glad she still wants to be friends!


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Sorry but I'm not getting it.
What is this "good news" which you wanted to update us about?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why do you want to be celibate?


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

I read your previous threads and, please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you should consider going to see a sexual surrogate as part of sex therapy to help you get past this aversion to sex you have developed. I really don't think its healthy. I mean, its not like you were always disinterested in sex (which in and of itself there would be nothing wrong with, if that's just how you had always been and you are happy that way). But you started out as a normal guy, with a very normal desire for sex. And as a result of a traumatic experience with your ex-wife, you've shut down. That's not healthy. Its fine to not want to get involved with anyone for a while after coming out of a bad experience. But from what you've described, you weren't able to be sexual with a woman even when you really wanted to be. And now you're saying you have no interest in sex at all. For the next decade. That does sound more like a PTSD reaction, as someone previously said, as opposed to a healthy or normal response. I think you need to deal with this before it goes too far and gets way out of hand. What happens if, at a moment when you are absolutely not looking and you least expect it (which is usually how it goes), you encounter a woman who you discover is your soul mate and you know this is who you were meant to be with. But you are still freezing either when it comes to interacting with her initially, or in bed.... What if you fall so deeply in love and want to have children with her, and you remain "broken" (as I believe you termed it in one of your previous threads)...? Not trying to freak you out, but.... I really think this shouldn't just be left un-dealt with. It REALLY doesn't sound healthy. If you don't want to be involved with anyone right now, and therefore you don't intend to be having sex for the next while, okeydokey, totally cool. But you should at least get yourself back to the point where you are confident you CAN - or you may seriously regret this later. Especially if you really do intend to put off being with anyone else again for the next entire decade (I wouldn't commit to that plan if I were you... you're very likely to regret that later, and feel like you missed out on some of your best years. Just take it one step at a time, and do what makes sense along the way). Just my 2 cents, for all its worth


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

tommyr said:


> Sorry but I'm not getting it.
> What is this "good news" which you wanted to update us about?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The good news is that I was able to finally not fully scare a woman off from the fact that I have no interest in sex.



EleGirl said:


> Why do you want to be celibate?


I just feel that with sex out of the equation I can focus on other things with a clearer mindset. I feel that sex was a distraction with how much I thought about it and women as well. I have friends that are women and just think it’s better that way. Sex creates a fog in the mind that doesn’t allow full focus in my eyes. I have seen counselors but they haven’t helped. I’m fine going without sex, if I get a desire a quick masturbation session solves that and I’m back at what I need to do without the hassle of a woman and sex. My ex helped me see clearer with her actions thankfully so I can live a more fulfilling life.



justfabulous said:


> I read your previous threads and, please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you should consider going to see a sexual surrogate as part of sex therapy to help you get past this aversion to sex you have developed. I really don't think its healthy. I mean, its not like you were always disinterested in sex (which in and of itself there would be nothing wrong with, if that's just how you had always been and you are happy that way). But you started out as a normal guy, with a very normal desire for sex. And as a result of a traumatic experience with your ex-wife, you've shut down. That's not healthy. Its fine to not want to get involved with anyone for a while after coming out of a bad experience. But from what you've described, you weren't able to be sexual with a woman even when you really wanted to be. And now you're saying you have no interest in sex at all. For the next decade. That does sound more like a PTSD reaction, as someone previously said, as opposed to a healthy or normal response. I think you need to deal with this before it goes too far and gets way out of hand. What happens if, at a moment when you are absolutely not looking and you least expect it (which is usually how it goes), you encounter a woman who you discover is your soul mate and you know this is who you were meant to be with. But you are still freezing either when it comes to interacting with her initially, or in bed.... What if you fall so deeply in love and want to have children with her, and you remain "broken" (as I believe you termed it in one of your previous threads)...? Not trying to freak you out, but.... I really think this shouldn't just be left un-dealt with. It REALLY doesn't sound healthy. If you don't want to be involved with anyone right now, and therefore you don't intend to be having sex for the next while, okeydokey, totally cool. But you should at least get yourself back to the point where you are confident you CAN - or you may seriously regret this later. Especially if you really do intend to put off being with anyone else again for the next entire decade (I wouldn't commit to that plan if I were you... you're very likely to regret that later, and feel like you missed out on some of your best years. Just take it one step at a time, and do what makes sense along the way). Just my 2 cents, for all its worth


The thing is, now that I no longer desire sex, I see no reason to fall back into that trap and try to be intimate, as stated above masturbation gets the same results as sex, and that is a release of that need. I do appreciate all of the input and opinions but I really feel that woman and sex only make life more difficult in the long run. Way to many things to be concerned about, and if there is someone out there that thinks I may be the right one, then if we are truly meant to be together they would understand my celibacy or they would simply move on. I have been able to do so much more with projects, work, my house, lawn, etc without having a woman to worry about and sex on the mind. Again, thank you all for the opinions and I welcome more!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but why "date" if you're just going to shut it down? No wonder women get p1ssed off at you. Let them know right from the start that you're just going to be friends, and forget the "dating" thing till you're ready. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Umm....congrats??

I don't get it, but if you insist.

The trauma of your ex-wife's affair coupled with her rejection of you sexually has left you damaged. You decided that you would just turn off sex all together as a result, so that you couldn't be hurt again.

You should get professional help for this.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

PBear said:


> No offense, but why "date" if you're just going to shut it down? No wonder women get p1ssed off at you. Let them know right from the start that you're just going to be friends, and forget the "dating" thing till you're ready.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. Because if you're "dating", you're toying with other people's emotions and then cutting them off when they start to fall for you. It's not fair to the women who may truly want to have a "full" relationship because you are essentially leading them on with dating them.

I would wager that you and this woman won't really remain "friends." I'm sure her feelings are hurt, and at some point, she'll say "To h*ll with this" and move on.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

tulsy said:


> Umm....congrats??
> 
> I don't get it, but if you insist.
> 
> ...


I have already been to 4 counselors and they have not provided any help other than a get over it mentality. I have but I still believe that my ex has let me see clearly through her actions. It's a huge relief to not need to worry about having a girlfriend that will cheat, be hit on, etc.



happy as a clam said:


> I agree. Because if you're "dating", you're toying with other people's emotions and then cutting them off when they start to fall for you. It's not fair to the women who may truly want to have a "full" relationship because you are essentially leading them on with dating them.
> 
> I would wager that you and this woman won't really remain "friends." I'm sure her feelings are hurt, and at some point, she'll say "To h*ll with this" and move on.


That's a very good point, I never looked at it that way. I'll just stop the "dating" game and just keep going as I am. I don't want to hurt anyone that is for sure.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)




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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


>


:smthumbup::iagree:


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I differ.

I think it's fine you don't want to have sex and maybe just a girl 'friend'. As long as you are up front with them and don't lead them on.

I think there may be plenty of women out there who want platonic friendships. Sex complicates things a lot. More than people may realize. I've been there.

Follow you instincts and let yourself heal.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

helpthisguy86 said:


> It's been about 1 month since my last update, and I can finally post some good results here! I've been free of sex for about 7 months now. I recently went out with some friends and one of them tried to hook me up but not at my request. This woman is VERY attractive, and has an awesome sense of humor. Overall a really great person! Well we hit it off very well and started dating :smthumbup:. Unfortunately just yesterday we broke it off as she wanted to get sexual. We are going to remain friends but she seemed very upset that I didn't want to be intimate. I tried to explain to her that I just don't want the distraction in my life right now. I was fine with hugs and kisses, but I've been doing great for about 7 months now so I don't see the point to break that streak and risk getting my interest in sex back while my focus is on other more important things in life right now. I'm just glad she still wants to be friends!


Good for you!

Smart IMO

And fact that she "broke things off" is an indicator of HER not being too smart. 

Friends though? Neh......you know that's not going to work.

Move along.......I always recommend holding off on sex until proper foundation and time investment has been done in a relationship (good 3-6 months AT LEAST).

Longer you wait, better off you are as a woman or man. You think clearer and your mind is not clouded by intimacy. 

And you can identify/see red flags better as well. Cause we all know once people are intimate, they ignore all the signs.....


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

PBear said:


> No offense, but why "date" if you're just going to shut it down? No wonder women get p1ssed off at you. Let them know right from the start that you're just going to be friends, and forget the "dating" thing till you're ready.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are missing a very important point. 

Intimacy is NOT part of dating.  Well, it is to our society and what "they' tell you, but in reality, it probably shouldn't (to me anyways).


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

helpthisguy86 said:


> I have already been to 4 counselors and they have not provided any help other than a get over it mentality. * I have but I still believe that my ex has let me see clearly through her actions. * It's a huge relief to not need to worry about having a girlfriend that will cheat, be hit on, etc.


That's what I'm talking about. 

What your ex did to you, cheating on you then denying you sex during months of false reconciliation, along with humiliation and rejection...

Now you've built up this wall around sex, so that you can't get hurt again. You won't let women in because that way you can never feel rejection like that again. 

You have convinced yourself that discipline and celibacy are the answer.

Alternatively, you could just face tomorrow knowing that you may get hurt one day, and that's okay. You don't have to go in with all the answers, you can date women have sex, and if it doesn't work out, you move on with life. 

You don't have to deny yourself sexual intimacy with a partner in order to move on from you ex.

But if you insist it's what is best for you, come back in a few years and tell us how happy it has made you.


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## justfabulous (Feb 9, 2014)

tulsy said:


> The trauma of your ex-wife's affair coupled with her rejection of you sexually has left you damaged. You decided that you would just turn off sex all together as a result, so that you couldn't be hurt again. You should get professional help for this.


Yup, EXACTLY. Whether you realize it or not, this isn't healthy. You've shut yourself down to prevent yourself from experiencing something similar again. But in the process you will be cheating yourself of some of the richness that life has to offer. You think you can take back control of your life this way, but its not the healthy way to go about it. Get the right therapy to deal with this fully, THEN you will be in control again. At that point, if you want to be celibate for while, fine. And if someone amazing enters your life when you least expect it, you'll be fully equipped to embrace that.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Helpthisguy86

I am so glad you wrote this on the board. I have seen to much pain from the ones who dont wait from the ones i have talk to offlist. from here. One of the fathers /friends i talk to from online site inform me that he saw that there is a reason why to wait. And I have seen somethings that would have benefit if he had wait. I have also seen how the children and the couple have struggled with sex due to not waiting -the guy not have control of his body and struggle to wait while his wife heals. 

I am glad you are waiting and women are doing it backwards. I have seen it play out in sexual abuse victims women who dont wait. They dont understand that they need the nonsexual interaction before the sex becuase of how they are wired biologically. THey have to trust nonsexually before trust their bodies. 

Judith


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

There is nothing wrong with this approach. Your not ready to get your heart involved. You are being mature. If you had sex with her and you knew you were not ready, that would be wrong. I think you saved her and you some heartache.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I've never gone more than 2 weeks w out since I was 20. You have some serious self control go u!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I think you have discovered the male counterpoint to radical feminism....The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference...The opposite of radical feminism is not a group of males who hate women, It is a group of men who have absolutely no interest in them...Their statement that all penetrative sex is rape would be check mated a by hearty masculine "EWWW none for me thank you"....:surprise:


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

Woodchuck said:


> I think you have discovered the male counterpoint to radical feminism....The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference...The opposite of radical feminism is not a group of males who hate women, It is a group of men who have absolutely no interest in them...Their statement that all penetrative sex is rape would be check mated a by hearty masculine "EWWW none for me thank you"....:surprise:


Not sure what I discovered but that sounds like it's pretty close to what I'm feeling. I started talking to different women at different times. 6 of 7 engaged me to get things going. I was good to go until any of them wanted intimacy. At that point, I was just extremely uncomfortable and have since just channeled all of those feelings into work and other things in life.


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