# How to behave with cheating spouse (EA)



## loveslife2011 (Apr 23, 2011)

I never thought I would be here. I have browsed through a few threads, but haven't seen an answer to my problem. I don't know how I should be treating my husband (see the situation below)...should I be loving? tough love? patient? move out? What is my response while we are still living under the same roof (we have a 2.5 year old daughter, btw). 

My marriage is in trouble. My husband and I went to a marriage counselor a few weeks ago, and are due back the first week in May. He says he "doesn't know if we are supposed to be married" and said recently that he married me because I was pregnant and it was the right thing to do (though at the time when we talked about the situation three years ago, he was adamant that we would have been married anyway, since we had been dating a few years, and so we were just doing it sooner. I waited a few months before accepting his marriage proposal because I wanted to be sure we should take the leap). 

I will add that we are both professionals, who had nice lives and incomes living separately (ivy league educated). After my move here and after having the baby, I have worked, but it hasn't been the level of success I experienced while we were dating. 

I discovered my husband's flirtation with coworker about 2 weeks ago. There was an inappropriate text picture on his phone (she was blowing him a kiss) and I confronted him. It didn't go very well (this was when he told me he only married me because I was pregnant). He denied that they were anything but friends and the picture was no big deal. I told him it was interesting that his unhappiness was now coming to the surface at the same time this new girl started working with him. He said out issues go way back....before we were married. 

This week, I looked at the phone records and there were an excessive amount of texts to a certain number. Night, morning, on Sunday mornings....A month of texts. 

I calmly called the number and asked for her name. It was her. I introduced myself and said I noticed a lot of texts between her and my husband, I asked her why she would send my husband a text of her blowing him a kiss. She immediately started apologizing and said it was nothing, etc. I was very calm and polite about it. I told her the texting and picture were inappropriate to send to a married man. She agreed and said she would respect my marriage. I thanked her for speaking with me, told her I wish it were under different circumstances. 

He sent me a mean text a few hours later, but then came home and said he was sorry for making me worry and sorry for giving the appearance that something was going on. (I will add that he is very smart, so I know he chose his words carefully). 

I pretty much let him have it - but I was cool, calm and collected (i used to be a trial attorney). 

I spoke to the marriage counselor the next day (he is a male, btw) who definitely thinks there is an emotional bond (EA) happening. I agree - I am not that stupid. The counselor also applauded me for calling her/being calm, etc. It was a bold move for me. The counselor doesn't have much else to say, except to pray and hope my husband changes his heart. He professes to be a Christian (I am a born again believer...I was saved after I became pregnant). When we got married, we both believed that this bond was for a lifetime - in good times and in bad times. 

In the meantime, how should I act towards him, until our next counseling appointment? I don't want to live in an unpleasant environment...especially since we have a child. He says he wants the marriage to work and that he wants to go to the counselor to work through all of our issues....but then his actions say otherwise. I asked him if he wanted us to leave. I said I can leave right now if you don't want this. He said he would have left if he wanted to, he wants to try to make a go of this. 

I can also stay with family for a few weeks...so perhaps I should take a vacation. It will give me time to think, also. Do I want to be married to this person? Why does he get to call the shots?

Or should I stay and fight for my marriage?

Thank you.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you are going through this. Your husband's behavior is rather typical of someone in the troughs of an affair. They will tell you the cruelest things--For example, how they never loved you, etc. 

That's great he wants to go to marriage counseling and work on the marriage. But, yet he says other things to the contrary. Is he still in contact with the OW? That is nonnegotiable when it comes to saving your marriage. He must have no contact with her. Nothing on this planet will work as long as they are still in contact with each other.

I initially tried the "nice" approach with my cheating husband. That was absolutely the worst option. It did nothing but make a doormat out of me. Had I used the 180 program initially, I do believe it would have been more successful. However, once the bad behavior is allowed to continue for long time periods, it resembles a raging wild fire. Nothing at that point can stop a wayward spouse. Be firm and get that EA stopped as soon as possible.

Good luck!


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

My now Ex told me that he married me because "he was not going to leave me pregnant" even though at that point we have been married for 2 years together for more than 5 and went through 7 different infertility treatments.

He also told me that there have been "problems for years in our marriage". We never fought, we truly like the same things to the point where sometimes we would read each other's thoughts. He had never said or shown that anything was wrong.

The good thing with you is that he is at least willing to work through the issues with MC. Mine was not and he only went to IC few times just to say today that "Oh we tried that too".

Believe NOTHING that comes out of his mouth. Try to get your finances straight, just in case and expect the unexpected. A true rollercoaster of emotions and feelings, he will exhibit split personality and all the fun jazz you have read on this forum.

Make sure you get yourself into counselling if you need too. Don't ride this wave alone.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

All the time we have been together and during his affair we have been a very loving couple. When D-day came along he informed me that our marriage had been "rocky"( news to me). He said that he felt "rejected" by me, and misunderstood. We are older and our marital relations had slowed way down. Normal right? He never said word one about any of his complaints to me. He did talk to her about them. They had a regular pity party about their awful disappointing spouses, but neither one actually told their partners about their supposed discontent. The point is that a cheater will routinely rewrite the history of their relationship to justify their involvement with OW/OM. The LS has to be recast as the one who drove them to the A, for it to become acceptable behavior to them. You are fortunate to know about the OW in time to try to head off catastrophe. I did not know about her until it was too last to prevent permanent damage to our marriage. Chances are the affair fog will clear before too long, if he has no more contact with the attempted mate poacher.


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## loveslife2011 (Apr 23, 2011)

I read "Love Must Be Tough" and am now reading "Co-Dependant No More" and meeting weekly with an individual counselor (and spending a fortune on the out of pocket expenses). I gave him the speech from Love Must Be Tough - the one about leaving, the cage door is open, etc. It was easy because that is how I feel - I can't force him to love me or stay married to me, just like I did not force him to marry me. Like I said, I am a professional woman - I have a very supportive family. I would have easily made it on my own (and career-wise, I would have been better off where I was). So to have the idea "I only married you because you were pregnant" thrown in my face three years later....as some sort of justification for his desire to leave the marriage makes me sick to my stomach. I seriously have lost about ten pounds this month. He is taking no responsibility for any of his actions - marrying me, staying with me for these three years, the inappropriate relationship with his co-worker - and places blame on me (it is my fault for putting him in this marriage situation).


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

The EA will also likely have just gone underground as well.

He needs to be 100% accountable for his whereabouts and communications until the situation is resolved.


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## loveslife2011 (Apr 23, 2011)

just an update.

the full phone records were generated and there are also phone calls, in addition to texts. wow. 

we had a long talk about it. he admits to being wrong and apologized. my concern is that if I had not intervened in this, it would have continued. He was having no shame, guilt, remorse, etc.

I asked him why. He said it was nice to have someone interested in him. It was nice to have his needs met that he wasn't getting at home. (we have only been married 2.5 years)

We have more issues than just this emotional affair. So to add this on top of everything else....

I was unfaithful once before we were married or engaged. I confessed and he forgave and we moved forward. So, I can understand a mistake, an isolated incident...however we *are* in a *marriage* now, and this coworker has been actively pursued for weeks. 

I just wanted to give you all an update.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Do you still want to save the marriage? Here's a great resource.

Seven Steps To Ending An Affair?


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## loveslife2011 (Apr 23, 2011)

That is a good question. I am having strong thoughts about my future and how life will be like without him. Right now, I only feel anxiety and hurt when I am with him. When I am away (like now, I am at work) I feel more relaxed and peaceful.

I fear God more than him, so I feel like I should honor my vows. Marriage is hard work, and I believe love is a choice, more so than a feeling, an emotion....we choose to love, just as we choose to forgive.

I will check out your link.

My husband seems to have checked out of our marriage. I am starting to detach myself and guard my heart.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TOUGH love. Is the only way.

Read the book "love must be tough" it's written by a Christian man and while I'm not deeply religious, the entire book is AWESOME and makes good points. Get it at the library (free) or bookstore. 

Good for you for calling her out.

Now be advised: if she doesn't cut it off w/ him, he could just start hiding it better.

So start looking for clues and get proof. Dont' tell him you are doing this.

Find out if she is married. If she is, TELL HER HUSBAND STAT (or boyfriend, lover, whatever/partner). This throws an axe on the affair.

No friend sends another friends pics of them blowing them kisses if something isn't up (unless it's a funny pic). 

My advice is to let him know STRAIGHT UP you WILL NOT live in an open marriage. If he chooses to continue contact w/ her or the affair, he loses you.

I get that you think marriage is a lifelong committment (hello, it is) but he is NOT respecting his vows to you right now.


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## loveslife2011 (Apr 23, 2011)

Jellybeans, you are correct. We are seeing the marriage counselor next Wednesday. I am not sure how this will go.


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