# Is it me?



## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

A Google search lead me to this site and although I felt a bit odd about posting this private thing online, I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix my sex life.

I'm in a relationship with a great guy. I have 2 children from my previous marriage. We have been together for 7 years, lived together for 5 of those. 

Life is great. Except for the sex part of our relationship. 

Not only does it rarely happen but when it does the quality is so horrible and I don't know how to tell him. I can't orgasm anymore and I have resorted to faking which I know isn't helpful. 

He still does the slap on the a$$ as he passes me in the house. Or he'll grind me while I'm doing laundry. But it seems he's gotten lazy. He barely touches me. It seems to be all one sided once we're between the sheets. He does minimal touching or barely tries to arouse me and then it's go time. I'm not even warm yet. 

He no longer goes down on me. He use to and was great at it. I still do it for him (I enjoy it) and I have been thinking maybe I need to pull back a bit?

I have brought it up to him, kind of, a couple of times. I don't know what words to use I guess. I have asked him point blank why he never touches me anymore. He makes excuses that are just silly and nonsense.

He blames his new work schedule except it's almost 2 years "new" now. He was promoted and now works the graveyard shift. I do understand and agree that it plays a huge role but then I argue that routines can still be established especially since we are nearing 2 years of this change. 


I let it go for a while and then sent him an article that basically said women need to feel desired and here's how to do that. He told me he understood and would work on it. Yet nothing has changed. 

I've asked him if it is me and he swears he is attracted to me and all. 

It became an argument yesterday because I brought up that in 2 months we've had sex 6 times. 

I'm dying guys. I want my man. I want him to want me. I want to get off. Am I doing or saying something wrong? What can I do?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

usernamegoeshere said:


> I'm dying guys. I want my man. I want him to want me. I want to get off. Am I doing or saying something wrong? What can I do?


First of all, "I WANT HIM TO WANT ME" is the one thought that will likely destroy many relationships. His sexuality is very different from yours and odds are he really does want you, but not necessarily in the exact same ways that you want him to want you. It is important that you ask him to teach you what arouses him and motivates him sexually. If you can accommodate that, and tease him (do not pull back and withhold), you will find your husband motivated to please you!

Second of all, do NOT drop hints and expect him to understand. Men are sexually retarded to a point that if you thwack our penis with a newspaper, our nervous system will likely get very excited and think we are having sex. If you want him to do something, you will have to tell him EXACTLY what you want as you shove his head between your legs.

There is even an internet meme about how you should go about this:










Cheers,
Badsanta


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

What he ^^^^ said. It is that simple.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Just some questions to get a better feel fort he situation:

Roughly how old are you both? Do I understand correctly that sex used to be more frequent, and better? Was the decline gradual, or did it happen suddenly? Does he actively turn you down for sex, or does he just not initiate? Have you directly asked him to go down on you, or does he just no longer take hints? Does he turn down sex where he doesn't need to do any work - like you just giving him oral?

Any health or medicine changes for either of you?

Does he ask you for anything sexual (reasonable or not)? 


Lots of possibilities from a medical issue to his just becoming lazy. Whatever the cause, its important to try to fix it - a good sex life is vital to a happy marriage.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

You haven't brought it up to him the right way. Typically, with difficult issues, individuals will soften the message, anticipating a negative response or hurt feelings.

You have to drop all of the facts in his lap. You can do it with writing a letter or printing off your post here and showing him. Or you can do the same thing by telling him. Respect him enough to be blatant with him. 

He lives in his mind and does not actively consider your feelings and needs, you can remind him that he needs to by doing this.

Similarly to the others..... Just tell him what to do, versus asking or expecting him to do it.

You have to learn to communicate from a position of unwavering strength.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

It's not you.

I’ll give the exact same advice that I would give to a man in the same situation.

Ideally, he would just to what you want without you having to directly tell him. That way, you’d know that he’s doing things because that’s what he truly wants; because he wants you.

The only problem with that is; it’s not going to happen.

So it’s a two step process.

First, tell him how unhappy you are with your sex life. Ask him if there’s anything you can do to improve things. Tell him that you are still very sexually attracted to him and love having good sex with him. Tell him that you want more sex. Tell him that you want him to resume going down on you; you loved it, he was very good at it and you miss it. Tell him that you’ve been faking orgasms. Tell him that all of this is important enough that you believe that the relationship is at risk. Leave no doubts and no way for him to disregard or fail to understand what you’re saying. Let him know that you’re willing to work with him on this and that, if there are any medical problems, you will support him.

Second, if that doesn’t have any effect, you need to decide to either live with it or put the relationship at risk. If you decide on the latter, then begin deprioritizing his needs. Don’t do anything only for his benefit, focus only on yourself and your children. This is called the 180, you can find the entire plan on TAM somewhere (or perhaps someone else will post it on this thread). If he questions what’s going on, tell him once (only once) that since he is not interested in meeting your needs, that you have decided to focus only on yourself. This will either generate a response from him (10% probability) or help you disengage from your current relationship and prepare you for your next one (90%).

Good Luck


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> You have to drop all of the facts in his lap. You can do it with writing a letter or printing off your post here and showing him. Or you can do the same thing by telling him.
> 
> You have to learn to communicate from a position of unwavering strength.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or better yet, have a passive aggressive sexual temper tantrum!!!

Make you husband this sandwich, but instead spell out "EAT ME!" with mustard!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

usernamegoeshere said:


> I'm dying guys. I want my man. I want him to want me. I want to get off. Am I doing or saying something wrong? What can I do?


Sounds like you just married a guy who sucks in bed. A selfish lover with a low drive to boot. Double whammy. 

You need to have a BLUNT and FRANK discussion: 

Don't tip toe around the issue, "Husband you suck in bed, I need a man to satisfy me." "I'd rather have no sex than the garbage you've been giving me." "I expect X, Y, Z, EVERY time we have sex...."

It will hurt his feelings but if he loves you he will try to make you happy. It's such a small request in the grand scheme. However, if he refuses to even put a few minutes into foreplay, you probably got bigger issues and should consider a divorce.

Also, it could be medical and might be a T-level issue. Consider taking him to a specialist if he feels his libido is the problem even though right now he says its not.

Lifes to short to stay married to a selfish a$$hole. Good luck.


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## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

peacem said:


> This was me about 1 1/2 years ago but I think we have made huge progress. This is just a suggestion.....I completely took control and dominated him. I turned it into a bit of a game but basically I became the groper in the kitchen, I would direct him to do exactly what I wanted, I would whisper in his ear what I wanted him to do to me later. In bed I would control the amount of foreplay by ordering him about and getting him highly aroused but not allowing him to orgasm until I said so. It was an erotic game (I'm not a bossy person by nature lol).
> 
> Eventually this trained him about what I needed sexually and he would instinctively do it and initiate in the same way. But he does slip back into his old ways and I have to start taking control again.
> 
> ...


This sounds very familiar to me! I have tried to show him what I like. He catches the hint and then it seems like he forgets but I know that can't be so. I have never forgotten what he likes. Sometimes it just feels like lure laziness. 

There are so many responses! This is so great. I want to read each one and then share what I learned today. 

Thank you so much. I was beginning to feel like I'm just odd. Most of my girlfriend's are not very sexual and complain about their partners wanting it too much so it's not a very easy thing to talk about when those around me just wouldn't seem to get it. 

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## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

badsanta said:


> First of all, "I WANT HIM TO WANT ME" is the one thought that will likely destroy many relationships. His sexuality is very different from yours and odds are he really does want you, but not necessarily in the exact same ways that you want him to want you. It is important that you ask him to teach you what arouses him and motivates him sexually. If you can accommodate that, and tease him (do not pull back and withhold), you will find your husband motivated to please you!
> 
> Second of all, do NOT drop hints and expect him to understand. Men are sexually retarded to a point that if you thwack our penis with a newspaper, our nervous system will likely get very excited and think we are having sex. If you want him to do something, you will have to tell him EXACTLY what you want as you shove his head between your legs.
> 
> ...


The retards line really gave me a giggle. 

This is so helpful! I am guilty of having said to him "I want to feel like you want me. I want to feel desired." And as you said it ended with me crying and him angry. 

Our schedules allowed us to spend time together today and we did have a great talk. Scheduling is a big issue. The way I have tried to talk to him has been an issue also. It's just such a touchy subject and I absolutely do not want to hurt him or make him feel ashamed. 

But I also don't want to beat around the bush and my feelings be left as unimportant either. 

I have tried to shoving his head down! It doesn't work! Now he doesn't even get close to that area. Today he tells me during our talk that it just doesn't do anything for him. He said he is glad I like it but to him it's boring. He said earlier on he just did it because I do it for him and he wanted to be fair. I actually like giving him oral and it does arouse me very much. Suggestions in this area? I don't have to have it every time but now and then would be nice.

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## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Just some questions to get a better feel fort he situation:
> 
> Roughly how old are you both? Do I understand correctly that sex used to be more frequent, and better? Was the decline gradual, or did it happen suddenly? Does he actively turn you down for sex, or does he just not initiate? Have you directly asked him to go down on you, or does he just no longer take hints? Does he turn down sex where he doesn't need to do any work - like you just giving him oral?
> ...


I am 34 and he is 37. Yes, it use to be very frequent and very pleasurable. October will be the 2 year anniversary of the shift change. When he began the graveyard hours it seemed to be much more frequent. Kind if like he was making sure not to miss out. Things just began to taper off I suppose.

He does initiate just not often. To be honest I don't recall the last time I initiated and he didn't turn me down before this morning. Funny that you asked about him not being involved meaning I just do oral for him. He never turns tbat down but that only happens a certain time of the month. 

We had this discussion about a year ago when I was - oh my, how do I say it? Ok frankly. I was giving him a hand job and he was doing that for me and I wouldn't stop. I made him finish that way and let him finish me too. He kept saying what are you doing stop! Afterwards he said what was that? I said that was sex too. He asked you mean that's OK? Yes sometimes it is. I kissed him and went on cleaning up and he just seemed dumfounded. I think he liked it. But it's never happened again. 

It's really odd analyzing all of this in this way. Could it be that he's nuts inexperienced or likes a certain way every time because it's comfortable?

No health issues for either of us. I have gained some weight but that doesn't seem to be an issue not with sex anyway. Today we shopped a little and he was actually helping me pick out clothes and telling me what he'd like to see me in. Even asked once if he could follow me in the dressing room! What a turn on! So I don't feel that is an issue.

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## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> You haven't brought it up to him the right way. Typically, with difficult issues, individuals will soften the message, anticipating a negative response or hurt feelings.
> 
> You have to drop all of the facts in his lap. You can do it with writing a letter or printing off your post here and showing him. Or you can do the same thing by telling him. Respect him enough to be blatant with him.
> 
> ...


I read this today before I talked to him about how I'm feeling and this is just it. You said he lives in his own mind. That is so so true. 

He said he wants me more than I know and our schedules don't allow him to show it. He reminded me of how things use to be. He said he wants me no less now. He did say when he thinks it will be a good time to initiate he has trouble reading whether I would be up for it. That time is generally during the evening and there's a lot going on. He said he is afraid the kids will notice our absence if we sneak away. There is so much be said that makes me know he is living in his own head. 

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## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

Buddy400 said:


> It's not you.
> 
> I’ll give the exact same advice that I would give to a man in the same situation.
> 
> ...


I did ask him if there is anything I can do. He said stop telling myself he doesn't want me just because our lives are different and it makes things harder. He's right. I know he is. But I also said I wouldn't worry or feel this if he would step it up just a little. He said he is going to do better. 

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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

usernamegoeshere said:


> I read this today before I talked to him about how I'm feeling and this is just it. You said he lives in his own mind. That is so so true.
> 
> He said he wants me more than I know and our schedules don't allow him to show it. He reminded me of how things use to be. He said he wants me no less now. He did say when he thinks it will be a good time to initiate he has trouble reading whether I would be up for it. That time is generally during the evening and there's a lot going on. He said he is afraid the kids will notice our absence if we sneak away. There is so much be said that makes me know he is living in his own head.
> 
> Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


Thanks for the update.

Isn't it amazing what communication can unveil? Powerful.


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## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Sounds like you just married a guy who sucks in bed. A selfish lover with a low drive to boot. Double whammy.
> 
> You need to have a BLUNT and FRANK discussion:
> 
> ...


We are not yet married lol. We have talked about it a lot lately though. 

Sometimes I am afraid his libido is low and he selfish too. Sometimes I feel like he just says what he thinks I want to hear. Other times I feel like he is being honest and just not putting forth the effort that he could. 

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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
OK, you are young enough to not expect major medical issues, but old enough to not have a lot of changes going on - so I don't see age as an issue.

When sex was frequent, was it also varied, or just repetitive? I guess I'm trying to get an idea of whether you started to become bored with what you had been doing (and he maybe picked up on that) of if he just started losing interest in general.

If a hand job to completion seemed very unusual / surprising to him, that seems to suggest that he isn't used to a varied sex life. OTOH you said you do sometimes give him oral, so that doesn't seem so different, most oral involves hands as well. 

Has he suggested different sexual things that he would like to try? From what you have said, it seems like probably not. 

It all sounds like a fairly typical low libido person - not very interested in sex, not interested in much variety. That is pretty common, and unfortunate for high libido partners. In this case though it seems like he used to be different, so the question is what changed and how to change it back.

Any chance he has started masturbating to porn? You might notice that finishing him is more difficult, or produces less. There are a surprising number of men who develop porn habits and lose interest in their wives. (I have nothing against porn itself, but it does cause some people to ignore their partners).

Some people will look for any sign of infidelity - I don't see any particular reason to suspect it, but is there anything suspicious?

If you wear lingerie for him does he seem interested, even if he doesn't want sex? 












usernamegoeshere said:


> I am 34 and he is 37. Yes, it use to be very frequent and very pleasurable. October will be the 2 year anniversary of the shift change. When he began the graveyard hours it seemed to be much more frequent. Kind if like he was making sure not to miss out. Things just began to taper off I suppose.
> 
> He does initiate just not often. To be honest I don't recall the last time I initiated and he didn't turn me down before this morning. Funny that you asked about him not being involved meaning I just do oral for him. He never turns tbat down but that only happens a certain time of the month.
> 
> ...


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## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

I love my boyfriend. He is a great guy and I don't want to throw away what we have for something I believe can be improved. 

He is up for another promotion which is great but it will keep him on the graveyard. 

I want to be supportive and I do remain so. Admittedly I am a little sad that this will mean who knows how many years of $hitty scheduling. 

The talk revealed nothing but I was able to approach it differently thanks to reading these comments this morning!

I do feel we're moving in the right direction since we didn't end it with an argument. 

I asked if he thought his drive was low and he said no. He said he dies masturbate more now, he admitted to that. 

Another thing that bothers him is I let my 13 year old sleep with me. No I'm not one of those moms but when his shift changed I wasn't use to sleeping alone and one night she asked to sleep with me and she's slept with me since. She knows on Friday nights he's home and goes on to her bed without fuss. But he said sometimes he's gotten off early and come home and wanted to wake me for morning sex but couldn't. That doesn't happen often though so I'm not sure if that's a legitimate argument or an excuse. 

I'm still just kind of at a loss though. I was hoping he would say something like its boring or we need to spice it up. Hell something. But it felt more like I know I'm slacking, no it's not you, I'll work on it. 

Oh and the only thing he's ever asked for is anal and I had to drag that out of him and force him to accept that I was OK with trying it. I didn't promise anything but I tried. It wasn't horrible. I don't want it all the time. But if he warms me up the right way I can handle more of it. 

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## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

I also asked what I feel he needs to know about me like what turns him on. I was hoping be was ask me the same but he didn't. So I just volunteered the information. 

Also, is it possible that I've made my own mind block when it comes to orgasm? That's a turn on for him, the way I go. Now even if he doesn't get me warmed up the right way as I say it or warm enough I have to get myself there in my mind. This morning I initiated. I did a kind of take charge thing I guess and started on him. Dragged a little play out of him and then hopped on top. My O's are just the best that way so I don't mind. But at one point I thought i wasn't going to get there. I lost it, the feeling and had to start again and played it up like I wanted to change to a position I know he loves. It worked but it was work! I finally got there. 

Possible I'm living in my own mind too? 

I just want our old sex life back.

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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Any chance he is wierded out by the 13 year old knowing that you are having sex? A 13 year old is probably well aware of what is going on, and her needing too leave the room when he is home is pretty clear. Could his reluctance be tied to the girl becoming old enough to know what is happening?


Interesting that he was interested in anal. That shows a certain amount of interest in non traditional things. It might be a hint of porn use - anal is much more common in porn than in most couples sex lives (nothing wrong with it, just not all that common). 










usernamegoeshere said:


> snip
> 
> Another thing that bothers him is I let my 13 year old sleep with me. No I'm not one of those moms but when his shift changed I wasn't use to sleeping alone and one night she asked to sleep with me and she's slept with me since. She knows on Friday nights he's home and goes on to her bed without fuss. But he said sometimes he's gotten off early and come home and wanted to wake me for morning sex but couldn't. That doesn't happen often though so I'm not sure if that's a legitimate argument or an excuse.
> 
> ...


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## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

I didn't tell him I've faked several. I was going to and I just felt I would hurt him so bad and that lying about going is my fault and not his. I made that ugly little choice. I have committed to full honesty about that moving forward though. If I don't get there I don't get there. I won't fake again. Maybe if he sees it's really affecting the way sex ends for me it would help.

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## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Any chance he is wierded out by the 13 year old knowing that you are having sex? A 13 year old is probably well aware of what is going on, and her needing too leave the room when he is home is pretty clear. Could his reluctance be tied to the girl becoming old enough to know what is happening?
> 
> 
> Interesting that he was interested in anal. That shows a certain amount of interest in non traditional things. It might be a hint of porn use - anal is much more common in porn than in most couples sex lives (nothing wrong with it, just not all that common).


Yes he is very weirded out by that! He said he worries she will know what we're doing or that she won't and we won't be quiet enough and she will hear. 

Now I don't send her out and then he comes in and we close the door. Lol that is not how it works. He is home when we get here on Fridays and often awake still. She just knows that when he is off on the weekends that she sleeps in her room. 

As for porn, he does watch porn. I mean all men do right? And some women. I watch it once in a while too. I have toys also. Would porn be the problem though?

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## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> OK, you are young enough to not expect major medical issues, but old enough to not have a lot of changes going on - so I don't see age as an issue.
> 
> When sex was frequent, was it also varied, or just repetitive? I guess I'm trying to get an idea of whether you started to become bored with what you had been doing (and he maybe picked up on that) of if he just started losing interest in general.
> ...


Ok now I'm getting nervous about this porn thing.

Answers first. No he is not slow to finish not ever. He has to stop sometimes to prevent from going before me. But a couple of weeks ago I had my period and did oral for him. He normally goes a lot and its the powerful projectile type. But this day it wasn't. I actually asked him if he'd taken care of himself already and he said no. I only asked becasue it was different. 

No I'm not suspicious at all of infidelity. I guess if he wanted to with out schedules he would certainly have time to, but no I really don't think that's it. Life is pretty good really. Just this difference. 

Should I talk to him about him watching porn or are there signs to look for or something? Are you saying he has possibly replaced a real woman and real sex with a video? 

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## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Thanks for the update.
> 
> Isn't it amazing what communication can unveil? Powerful.


Yes! I definitely have to learn how to express what I'm feeling without doing it in an accusatory/blaming way.

I do wish it would've been more productive. But I will settle for small steps if that's what it takes. 

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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry, I think he is dis-engaging from the marriage. Being on different shifts is very hard on marriages. He has gotten used to "not seeing you" not interacting with you. His mind is somewhere else. Much of [causation], I suspect is due to his work. 

There could be a co-worker that is on his mind. Just a possibility. Does he work with women on his shift?

Also, working shifts messes up our Circadian Rhythm and the time and amount of light, especially daylight that enters his eyes. Working the graveyard shift turns people into zombies. You never get enough sleep and you are always tired, often cranky. The lazy part that you described could be fatigue from poor sleep quality.

I would have a full bloodwork done on him for CFS, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and also for depression. Shift work can push some people into depressive states due to chemical imbalances. Yes, masturbation could be a huge factor. When you are at work he is at home alone...yes?

Get him to change shifts or jobs. If he is in a union job, he likely has low seniority and cannot work dayshift.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

usernamegoeshere said:


> I have tried to shoving his head down! It doesn't work! Now he doesn't even get close to that area. Today he tells me during our talk that it just doesn't do anything for him. He said he is glad I like it but to him it's boring. He said earlier on he just did it because I do it for him and he wanted to be fair. I actually like giving him oral and it does arouse me very much. *Suggestions in this area?* I don't have to have it every time but now and then would be nice.


FIRST, if he is not into it, be sure it is not a hygiene issue and take a bath/shower just beforehand. When a man gives a woman oral he has to overcome the social stigma of putting his face right into an area right where both #1 & #2 occur. Psychologically knowing you just had a shower (even if the smell and taste is the same as it always is) will make it easier for him to let go and hopefully enjoy himself more just as you do when you give him oral.

SECOND, if you prefer to lay on your back while he goes down on you in a orientation consistent with traditional missionary, this will put a lot of pressure on his neck if done while you are both laying in bed. It can also be a little challenging to breath if you neck gets tired and you bury your face in everything. I would recommend trying a 69 in which he lays on his back and you are on top of him. While my wife complains that position makes her self conscious, it is the one position where I can easily give her oral AND enjoy the view of her nice round bottom right in my face. 

THIRD, if either of you are struggling with issues of being self conscious or social stigmas, add some lingerie to the mix. I nice thong is easy to slide out of the way just in the spot you need to, and it makes everything have the gesture of still being clothed but yet super sexy.

Hope that helps!
Badsanta


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## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Sorry, I think he is dis-engaging from the marriage. Being on different shifts is very hard on marriages. He has gotten used to "not seeing you" not interacting with you. His mind is somewhere else. Much of [causation], I suspect is due to his work.
> 
> There could be a co-worker that is on his mind. Just a possibility. Does he work with women on his shift?
> 
> ...


Ouch. I surely hope he's not disconnecting. Everything else seems fine between us except the sex area. We get along well, share expenses and money well. Housework is a bit harder to share but we manage. He spends all of his free time with us except for during the day. Yes, he's at home while I'm at work. 

He's not part of a union and be had actually been with this company since it started which is 5 years. He is a shift manager and is going to promote to department manager. He is trying to hang in there for a day shift position. He actually started on days and worked that for 3 years but with the promotion came the change. 

I know there are women that work there but he doesn't work directly with them. There is truly no sign to me at all of cheating. I don't feel I'm trying to be blind to this being an option or reason I just don't feel that he's cheating. 

Sometimes he is very tired because of the sleep routine but most days he averages 7 hours of sleep which is a bit more than what I get. 

I like the idea of a blood work up. We were actually talking about needing to be sure to go to the doctor more regularly for preventative measures while we are still young enough to catch something like high blood pressure or what not instead of just going when we're sick. 

All of these ideas have me thinking. It seems the only possibilities are negative things though and if those things are the reasons like porn or cheating then those aren't things I can fix it change. 


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## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

badsanta said:


> FIRST, if he is not into it, be sure it is not a hygiene issue and take a bath/shower just beforehand. When a man gives a woman oral he has to overcome the social stigma of putting his face right into an area right where both #1 & #2 occur. Psychologically knowing you just had a shower (even if the smell and taste is the same as it always is) will make it easier for him to let go and hopefully enjoy himself more just as you do when you give him oral.
> 
> SECOND, if you prefer to lay on your back while he goes down on you in a orientation consistent with traditional missionary, this will put a lot of pressure on his neck if done while you are both laying in bed. It can also be a little challenging to breath if you neck gets tired and you bury your face in everything. I would recommend trying a 69 in which he lays on his back and you are on top of him. While my wife complains that position makes her self conscious, it is the one position where I can easily give her oral AND enjoy the view of her nice round bottom right in my face.
> 
> ...


He use to tell me I tasted good. I even asked a while back when I noticed be wouldn't go down if I smelled funny. I mean to me I don't but to him I may and he said i was crazy for asking that. I keep it shaved like he likes. Hygiene is not the problem, that I am confident in.

He has tried to get me on him in the 69 position but he isn't as well at it like that and it's hard for me to enjoy that for myself and perform for him at the same time. 

What a little mess.

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## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

badsanta said:


> FIRST, if he is not into it, be sure it is not a hygiene issue and take a bath/shower just beforehand. When a man gives a woman oral he has to overcome the social stigma of putting his face right into an area right where both #1 & #2 occur. Psychologically knowing you just had a shower (even if the smell and taste is the same as it always is) will make it easier for him to let go and hopefully enjoy himself more just as you do when you give him oral.
> 
> SECOND, if you prefer to lay on your back while he goes down on you in a orientation consistent with traditional missionary, this will put a lot of pressure on his neck if done while you are both laying in bed. It can also be a little challenging to breath if you neck gets tired and you bury your face in everything. I would recommend trying a 69 in which he lays on his back and you are on top of him. While my wife complains that position makes her self conscious, it is the one position where I can easily give her oral AND enjoy the view of her nice round bottom right in my face.
> 
> ...


Oh and no insecurities here. I am by no means completely satisfied with my body but I'm surely not afraid of what he'll think at this point. We sleep naked and when I did wear lingerie once he said baby this is sexy and all but it's just in the way. We also sleep naked. 

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## usernamegoeshere (Mar 17, 2016)

Someone stated in their reply that him being taken back by the hand stuff is a sign of not much experience or being use to a certain type of sex. And then another noted that his interest in anal could mean porn since it isn't frequently deemed normal. 

Any thoughts on that? Should I ask him about his experiences with anal to see what it reveals? If porn is a problem i feel that is something we can work through. I just don't know how to go about approaching that. 

I've read a few articles on this since it was mentioned and some things sound like him and some don't. Performance isn't a problem when it comes to ED type thing. He gets erect and stays there and he finishes. He doesn't distance himself. Should I ask more about this?

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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

usernamegoeshere said:


> we are not yet married lol. We have talked about it a lot lately though.
> 
> Sometimes i am afraid his libido is low and he selfish too. Sometimes i feel like he just says what he thinks i want to hear. Other times i feel like he is being honest and just not putting forth the effort that he could.


*
Do not marry him until the sex issues are resolved.*


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

usernamegoeshere said:


> He has tried to get me on him in the 69 position but he isn't as well at it like that and *it's hard for me to enjoy that for myself and perform for him at the same time. *
> 
> What a little mess.
> 
> Sent from my XT1080 using Tapatalk


*OMG, that is the best part!* If you are having a hard time, try giving him a vibrator while you are on top of him in a 69. He will not only get an up close view of the action, but the tease of you not physically being able to continue giving him oral sex as you keep getting close to climax creates and exquisite conflict of sexual interest for him! 

Cheers,
Badsanta


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Its of course very difficult for other people to really get a feel for what is going on in relationship from just a few words a on a screen, so a lot of advice might be off the mark. 

Thoughts / comments:

Not all men watch porn, though a lot do. Almost all masturbate sometimes. If just occasionally there are signs that he has recently taken care of himself, I wouldn't worry - its to embarrassing to admit to a lot of people. 

If you watch porn sometimes and he watches sometimes, have you tried watching together? It might give each of you an idea of the other's fantasies. If you do though, you have to realize that many fantasies are not related to real life, what he watches may not be what he wants to actually do.

Sounds like he enjoys 69. Have you done that as a favor for him (even if it isn't your favorite), then tried later asking him to do something you particularly like? 


Do you think he is significantly lower drive than you, or is it possible that you each like different things in bed so that each of you feels you aren't getting what you desire. I think it sounds like he is low drive, but not sure.


The 13 year old knowing what you are doing could be a really big deal. Have you ever gone away for a weekend? It would be a really interesting experiment to see if he was more sexual without the nervousness of being overheard.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

Try taking the couples quiz over at MojoUpgrade.com

You might find some common ground that might spark some renewed interest.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

usernamegoeshere said:


> I have tried to shoving his head down! It doesn't work! Now he doesn't even get close to that area. Today he tells me during our talk that it just doesn't do anything for him. He said he is glad I like it but to him it's boring. He said earlier on he just did it because I do it for him and he wanted to be fair.


Big problem! This is the classic bait and switch.

The idea behind him going down on you isn't for HIM to get something out of it, it's for YOU to get something out of it! The idea is that he should care about making you happy.

He used to go out of his way to make you happy. Now that he has you, he figures that he no longer needs to put out the effort.

This is unacceptable. Ask him how he'd feel if you no longer put any effort into doing things he likes (not just sexual).

Tell him that if he wants to stay married, he's going to have to put some effort into the marriage. If he doesn't respond, start deprioritizing his needs. Stop going out of your way to meet his needs.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NO E.D. !

That is great. Get him off of the nightshift and keep him off the computer (un-supervised). Do not confront or bug him about the possible porn use, just continue to keep him busy and active. 

If there is Uber porn use and he cannot get to it because you firmly but nicely steer him away from that suspected behavior he will get horny for you in a jiffy-pop.

He needs to get in the habit of taking care of you minus your [spouse imposed] habit and satisfying your habit. The waskelly habit.

Making love to a women is often hard work for a man. He may be taking the easy way out by visiting the lesser god.... Onan{ism}.

If all else fails, lock up the computer when you are not home. I sure as hell hope you do not need to do that.

Oh, and he is really tired....shift work sucks.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

usernamegoeshere said:


> Another thing that bothers him is I let my 13 year old sleep with me. No I'm not one of those moms but when his shift changed I wasn't use to sleeping alone and one night she asked to sleep with me and she's slept with me since. She knows on Friday nights he's home and goes on to her bed without fuss. But he said sometimes he's gotten off early and come home and wanted to wake me for morning sex but couldn't.


I think you need to put a stop to the 13 year old sleeping with you.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Either you try taking charge and see if that helps or don't marry him. You will be cheating not long after your marriage. Sex produces Oxytocin which is the hormone that emotionally bonds a couple together. The more you get, the more intimate you feel with each other. Here is something that worked for us. Set up a schedule of mandatory sex nights. Tired, not in the mood, stressed out, etc. are no excuses. You have to be in bed, clothed or naked, your choice. Spend an hour or half hour there, even if just talking. Sooner or later you will end up having sex. I have used this method twice, as recommended to be by a Psychologist friend. It has worked both times. . 

I read a study today that found long term marriages do not rely on sex. Some have little or no sex and are perfectly happy long term marriages. Everyone assumed that a good sex life was required for long term happiness. It is not. Instead there are other reasons cited such as laughing together, sharing the same interest, having each other's backs and feeling secure and safe. It was also noted that long marriages tend to ebb and flow as far as the type and frequency of sex goes and to have a long marriage, you must adjust to these changes or else the marriage is in serious trouble. 

If you think you have it bad, my wife is bisexual, does not allow any form of penetration, had a steady girlfriend who had her own room in our house for 30 years, prefers sex with women and has a low libido. Yet, we are very happily married over 40 years because of all the non sex reasons above. My wife wanted a female in her life but felt dating one was cheating. instead she invited the object of her love, her long time best friend, to join us in bed under the pretense that she would provide me with sex when my wife could not. Turns out that her friend was also secretly bisexual and had a crush on me. Despite all this, being 65 with medical problems and ED, I have sex more than you do. 

I am not suggesting you have sex with others or bring another person into your marriage. What I am pointing out is that we loved each other so much that we found ways to make our marriage work and even be fantastic. I would not trade my marriage for any other. Our methods were untraditional and was not monogamous but more monogamish meaning that very occasional sex with others was not a deal breaker or viewed as betrayal as long as it was the exception and not the rule and kept discrete and to yourself. No confessions due to guilt because there was no reason to feel guilty. It worked for us. We defined our own marriage. My wife find an excellent solution to her need for a female in her life and my need for more sex than she wanted. The three of us ended up being fantastic. We each fulfilled a need in another that the other two could no fulfill themselves. We never had an argument with our girlfriend or any problems, even after she got married. She too had an arrangement with her husband to conform to their own marital needs. They two are married for a very long time.

Our current friends are married longer than we are and have been monogamous. So that route also works. Just find something that works for you whether you become sexually dominant, which lots of guys want, or get your husband to tell you the truth. Don't rule out that he may be bisxual and like my wife, is going though a phase when he is only interested in her own gender. My wife kept it secret for 10 years and proved to be the reason for her low libido. Our girlfriend married a guy who also had a low libido because he is bi and likes sex with men. My two cousins had kids and were left by their husbands who came out as gay. My first fiancee stopped enjoying sex with me after 5 years and is now married to a woman. I tried to minimize sex with my wife when I got ED and which led to performance anxiety which made it worse. It was easy to make excuses for why I did not want sex very often. Do not feel the problem is you. There are many reasons for your husband's behavior and you need to find out why. If he will not talk to you, perhaps he will talk to a professional. Good luck to you and if there is love between you, you will find a way to make it work. You need to accept the ebbs and flow of sex in a long relationship and a vibrator can help you out as it does for many women. Many long married women use vibrators rather than get upset because their husband has a lower libidio. Differences in libidos is common.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

peacem said:


> . To some extent we have to except who they are and work with it the best we can. * Or the alternative of course....*


*
*


Alternative ????????

Yikes!


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