# How to be friend with your ex?



## bbad (Feb 11, 2017)

She had an affair, we failed in reconciliation. She asked for a divorce in Jan. We are separated, the divorce process is almost finished.

Since we have a toddler girl and share joint custody, we still need to communicate occasionally. She wants to be friend, but I just can't. I actually hate her so much. Not just the affair, I kinda get over it already, but she keeps lying a lot. Badmouth to friends about me. Made up stories to reason her decision. 

I don't want our daughter to sense a hostile environment between us, but at the same time, I just can't be nice to the person who treated me badly. What can I do?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @bbad ~ just be yourself! You can always remain "friendly," but not be friends! Be businesslike and totally unemotional around her! You owe her nothing other than being a super father to your child!

I am currently that way with my first wife (the mother of my grown boys), but inasfar as my second wife (RSXW) is concerned, I absolutely wouldn't trust her in a craphouse with a muzzle on!*


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Business communication ONLY. No emotion at all. Just essential words, no more. Leave asap. No texting or email except essential child issues. You get the idea. Completely shut her out emotionally.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tell her once in very clear language.

You know who she is and what she has done.

Then assume, wear the airs, the suit of a businessman.

..............................................................

This is the same old, same old.

If you have fallen out of love, you want a new partner, get a divorce first, then reintroduce your hot water to society at large.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

bbad said:


> She had an affair, we failed in reconciliation. She asked for a divorce in Jan. We are separated, the divorce process is almost finished.
> 
> Since we have a toddler girl and share joint custody, we still need to communicate occasionally. *She wants to be friend, but I just can't.* I actually hate her so much. Not just the affair, I kinda get over it already, but she keeps lying a lot. Badmouth to friends about me. Made up stories to reason her decision.
> 
> I don't want our daughter to sense a hostile environment between us, but at the same time, I just can't be nice to the person who treated me badly. What can I do?


This is part of the cheater script. They all do this but it's for them not you. You can coparent by text or email. Many do so just cut her out and keep everything separate. It's your life too.

She went her way so now you should go yours.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Take emotion and familiarity out of it.

Relationships are things of habit, attachment. Phone calls, text messages, looking at social media pages etc etc.

If you're going to be divorced then you cut off all things that tie you to her with exception of those pertaining to the kid.

NO emails, calls or texts unless it's about the child. Everything else you don't reply to. Get into the habit of not replying to every little piece of communication she throws at you.

You will get texts saying why cant we be friends, why are you doing this, anything to cause an emotional reaction to get you to reply.

Don't.

She will eventually get the message. And when you meet in person, make sure she understands she's not your buddy nor will she ever will be.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Don't call it being friends with her. My neck hairs went up just reading the title to this thread. Call it having a decent working relationship with the mother of your child.

As others said, only respond to messages about your daughter. No jokes, no wonderful weather type messages. Don't do her any favors. I think it was a thread on her in which a woman said her bf's baby mama would call him before he was due to pick up the child. Whatever he was doing, say having lunch, the baby mama would say, "oh, can you pick up some lunch for me as well........."

What would be best is to train her text you. Phone calls only when discussion is necessary so when she makes inappropriate requests you don't have to respond to the request in any way. Don't be her handy man.

How do you know that she is badmouthing you?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

It's been pretty much spelled out already in the above posts but it's about the middle-ground, between friendship and hatred. She does not deserve your friendship and it neither would it be good for you to be friends with her. But on that same token, it would be just as bad for you to continue to harbor the hate. My advice is to forgive, chalk it up to her weakness, personality and character flaws .... but never forget!

The middle-ground is indifference and your own path to peace. Do all that you can to eliminate the need for communication with her. I'll give you an example of what I did. Wife started her affair last May, found out small details in June, I tried reconciling, basically on my own for about 6 months. Found out depths of her love and wanting to flat out divorce and leave me for other man in December. Divorce started in January. I still had to live with her through all of this. She moved out 2 weeks ago. We got everything done in terms of legal agreements leading up to that and I on my end worked on the plan that would make sure the kids were taken care of but would limit interaction with STXBW.

I created a calendar that has everything, every detail of each day involving the kids. Who they are with that day, who's watching them, events, camps, where they will be picked up, etc. And she is doing the same, on the shared calendar. There are a few messages every now and then, maybe one ever 2-3 days but most everything is taken care of the calendar and since my Son is about to turn 11, I got him a phone for his birthday and gave my daughter one of my old phones to use over Wi-Fi to give them their good night messages and see how they are doing at other times (not prying but just asking how so and so went, etc).

I realize you can't do the 2nd part with a toddler but work your butt off now on setting up the plan that will limit seeing your STBXW or even talking to her.

As for badmouthing you, let it be. Let your character do the talking, over time everyone will see that and those that don't wouldn't no matter if you would have said something or not. This will be a tough process but most of all be yourself. You can be cordial you can show her the respect she didn't show you but that matters not, be true to yourself. She is not your friend and shouldn't be, as it has been said, the WWs like to use the friend thing to relieve their own guilt and look good in front of others.

Good Luck Sir and keep posting if you have questions.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Tell her she uses the friend term as loosely as she uses her vows in marriage and that you need are friends who have your back and she does not. As others suggest keep co-parenting business like.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Be pedantic with her and every time she asks "Can't we be friends?" respond with "Why do you ask?"


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## bbad (Feb 11, 2017)

We communicate mostly via text/email but we still face each other when we pick our daughter from the other person's place. What I meant is that right now I can't even be like a businessman. Whenever she starts talking I get angry so I just shutoff and walk away without even saying anything. Because of all the lies and blames she puts on me I hate her so much. I guess that'll fade out with time when I can finally forgive (but not forget)?

She kept saying that since she's not leaving for the other man, the divorce was not because of the affair but our incompatibility instead, which to me is bull****. Anyway, that's how she made up her mind asking to be friend.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

bbad said:


> She kept saying that since she's not leaving for the other man, the divorce was not because of the affair but our incompatibility instead,


Yep, it's incompatibility in that she has other men's junk dripping out of her. If that isn't incompatibility, I don't know what is. 

Give her that one point and then move on without her.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Tell her you have higher standards for friends.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Don't be friends be parents. She made her choice
let her deal with i.. Be your child's father when dealing with 
her nothing else. I would suggest picking up your child
someplace neutral. Do not get involved with the EX and 
anything else in her life. Your child and only your child
nothing else (tell her this ) Do not give her the chance 
to make anything else up or blame you for anything.

EX's sometimes make up crap, lies, and other things 
because their divorced life sucks. What she thought 
was so great in the dark is not in the light.
She made her choice she has to deal with it not you.

My son;s Ex sometimes is friendly with him and sometimes
she acts crazy. Depending on how her life is going I guess.
If things in her life suck she tires to blame him somehow.
He drops off and picks up their child at the door. Nothing else
He only has contact with her about their child.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

bbad said:


> She kept saying that since she's not leaving for the other man, the divorce was not because of the affair but our incompatibility instead, which to me is bull****. Anyway, that's how she made up her mind asking to be friend.


She can tell herself anything she wants, but the facts are the facts, and nothing changes that.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.

Pretty simple really


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I think some exes can be friends but agree w/ everyone this one you don't want. Also agree to be businesslike wrt parenting issues.

As for her lying to people about your relationship, don't be too anxious to tell people or they will be suspicious of you. If a lie comes up in a conversation and you can casually say "that isn't true" ok. It's not like it never occurred to anyone there are often lies in these situations. A lot of people aren't all that concerned about who's to blame for what in your relationship.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

It's important for children to see that you model enforcing bounderies. Your wife cheated and quit on the marriage. She is an adultress and she is promise-breaker. What she did--throwing away the marriage, her family, and her sacred vows--cannot be lightly swept under the rug. No real friendship can ensue from that, and children need to see that you take marriage and important promises very seriously.

But you have to let your chilrden understand what marriage vows are and what your wife did so that they will understand why you have chose to end contact with her. I have been through this, and my children completely understand why I do not have any kind of relationship with my ex and their mother. They don't blame me it all, but they do recognized and don't approve of what she has done. I take seriously also my responsiblity not to put my children between me and their mother. I don't bad mouth their mom in front of them. But she bad mouths me in front of them because she has to find a way to excuse in her mind her infidelity, laziness, and lack of committment. It's straight out of the wayward psychology. My daughters see right through this. 

You are doing fine right now. Keep it up and sorry you're in this tough spot. It's not a fun place to be. Be strong.


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## bbad (Feb 11, 2017)

sa58 said:


> Do not give her the chance
> to make anything else up or blame you for anything.


Glad you brought this up. We still have a group of common friends, and as much as I want them to be on my side, they all treat us equal, which I understand. Anyway, occasionally they gather up and invite both of us. As much as I don't want my ex to be around, I want to see and talk to the friends as well. A funny example of lies, in such an occasion, we all went to dinner and because I lost a bet previously, I had to pay them all. Later that night my ex texted me asking how much she had to pay and said that because we are now independent she should pay. I never asked her to pay, but since she was asking and insisted the "independent" part, so I texted back her portion and "if you want to pay". A few days later I found out that she told some of the friends that while I paid for everyone, I asked her to pay her part.


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## bbad (Feb 11, 2017)

Rick Blaine said:


> It's important for children to see that you model enforcing bounderies. Your wife cheated and quit on the marriage. She is an adultress and she is promise-breaker. What she did--throwing away the marriage, her family, and her sacred vows--cannot be lightly swept under the rug. No real friendship can ensue from that, and children need to see that you take marriage and important promises very seriously.
> 
> But you have to let your chilrden understand what marriage vows are and what your wife did so that they will understand why you have chose to end contact with her. I have been through this, and my children completely understand why I do not have any kind of relationship with my ex and their mother. They don't blame me it all, but they do recognized and don't approve of what she has done. I take seriously also my responsiblity not to put my children between me and their mother. I don't bad mouth their mom in front of them. But she bad mouths me in front of them because she has to find a way to excuse in her mind her infidelity, laziness, and lack of committment. It's straight out of the wayward psychology. My daughters see right through this.
> 
> You are doing fine right now. Keep it up and sorry you're in this tough spot. It's not a fun place to be. Be strong.


It's funny that she always insists that by leaving the marriage, she will set an example for our daughter and her friends that they can choose to live a better life. Never mention the sacred vows or what marriage vows are. Note that while our marriage had issues here and there, it is not an abusive one in any sense. It is just like every other marriage I would believe. I totally agree with you and I will teach my daughter to value marriage and keep her promise. 

In our custody agreement, she stresses on the part about not saying bad things about the other parents. I guess she's afraid that I would do that. But given what had happened already, I think I should be the one who concerns about her bath mouths me to my daughter. I'm not afraid because I am who I am and I love my daughter to death, but it's just very upset to think about that (that she would say bad things about me to my daughter).


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Pretty simple.

Why can't we be friends? Listen I would love to be friends but I have a rule to chose friends wisely and cheater/ back stabbers are not good choices for friends!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

bbad said:


> We communicate mostly via text/email but we still face each other when we pick our daughter from the other person's place. What I meant is that right now I can't even be like a businessman. Whenever she starts talking I get angry so I just shutoff and walk away without even saying anything. Because of all the lies and blames she puts on me I hate her so much. I guess that'll fade out with time when I can finally forgive (but not forget)?
> 
> She kept saying that since she's not leaving for the other man, the divorce was not because of the affair but our incompatibility instead, which to me is bull****. Anyway, that's how she made up her mind asking to be friend.


She is correct in saying that the divorce is because of the incompatibility.

Your hate is because of her infidelity.

Had she instead asked for a divorce, not cheated, you would be sad and hurt, a lot less angry.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You don't be "friends" with your ex, when your marriage ended because of infidelity.

You are polite and cordial, you discuss the children but nothing more. She lost the right to ask you anything about your personal life when she slept with someone else.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Your allowing her to control the narrative with everyone without a rebuttal to many they will assume she is right...time to speak up once and for all and remind her she keeps it up you will start showing everyone the evidence and of her transgressions.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

If your true friends know about her affair 
then they know why the marriage ended.
She cheated on you. They will only listen
to her because they do not want to become 
involved in her mess.Fake friends will try and
stir up a mess and keep it going, Leave them 
alone, You can make new and better friends.
Most people however do not want to get 
involved in her mess. Just hang out and ignore 
her lies and blame changing. Your friends know
the truth.

Have you ever had a friend who just talks about
something all of the time, over and over. You want 
to tell them to shut up you are tired of hearing it 
but because they are your friend you tolerate them.
Your mutual friends may see it like that. The more she 
lies about you the more they will see her for herself.
The person who cheated and is bitter about it.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

bbad said:


> Whenever she starts talking I get angry so I just shutoff and walk away without even saying anything.


So why are you twisting yourself up into a little ball of anxiety and explanation?

She already knows and you've made it pretty clear through your actions.

Read No More Mr Nice Guy and you can stop all this nonsense at the source. You.

You know she's a liar and yet you care what she thinks and what she says.

The most important relationship is with your child and your family. Friends come and go. If a true friend knows what happened and is still inviting you both to gatherings pretending everything is normal then quite frankly they are d*cks.

You don't want to lose friends, but perhaps at this juncture in your life you can do a reevaluation of those you truly want to keep close.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

''Let's be friends'' is usually narcissist-speak for ''I want to make you think we're friends, so I can use you whenever I want.'' You can be friendly, and cordial for the sake of your child, but I'd move on with life, and not consider her a ''friend.'' Good luck with things!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

bbad said:


> Glad you brought this up. We still have a group of common friends, and as much as I want them to be on my side, they all treat us equal, which I understand. Anyway, occasionally they gather up and invite both of us. As much as I don't want my ex to be around, I want to see and talk to the friends as well. A funny example of lies, in such an occasion, we all went to dinner and because I lost a bet previously, I had to pay them all. Later that night my ex texted me asking how much she had to pay and said that because we are now independent she should pay. I never asked her to pay, but since she was asking and insisted the "independent" part, so I texted back her portion and "if you want to pay". A few days later I found out that she told some of the friends that while I paid for everyone, I asked her to pay her part.


Your best response would have been no response. Many talk about no contact but can't achieve it and just keep themselves bound up. There is no rule where you have to respond on anything but the kids or D. 

Make no mistake she will do a marital history rewrite so it's all your fault. They all follow the same path. 

Wake up to reality.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read up and apply it you'll be much better off 

https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy


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## bbad (Feb 11, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Read up and apply it you'll be much better off
> 
> https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy


Read this already


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## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

I have a similar situation. One day my ex is extremely hostile for no reason and then the other days she wants to be friendly. She has on a few occasions asked for a passive friendship.
No.
Not ever. 
We cant even co-parent really, parallel parent perhaps. 
She still continues to lie and I hear things from others that shes said about me. It bothers me for a few minutes because I am still a human however, she is a vile, disgusting, and dare I say, evil woman. This puts any possible friendship into perspective.


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## Bilbo115265 (Apr 24, 2018)

I wouldn't be friends with my 2x if you pay me she into hard drugs and sex for money to by the drugs i bet


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## manknot (Jun 22, 2018)

Well maybe not a friend but at least act nice to prevent heating things up in front of your child


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Be friendLY, not friends.

How can you be friends with someone that has stabbed you in the back and continues to turn that knife by telling lies about you? 

Does that sound like a friend?

Try to get to feeling indifferent about her, and ONLY communicate about your child. At drop off, put all attention on your child. Say hello to ex, “here are her things”, and “goodbye”


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