# My New Life as a Single Father



## Feelingalone

Well here goes my new journey as life as a single father. Yes I've basically been that for a while now, but now it is legal. This morning around 10:30 am I became a divorcee.

In some ways I feel better - there is clarity here because there is no more hope for reconcilliation -- in others I grieve -- the loss of the future I once dreamed about with my son and my ex w.

Now to dream about the future with just me and my son. What will he and I do? What adventures shall we take on together? I'm not sure.

Last Friday I took the day off work -- he was off from school -- and he and I went for a hike at a mountain near here. It was a good 4 and half hours of just me and my lil guy in the woods with the occasional other hikers. At the top you can see the city of Charlotte in the distance. We did a more strenuous trail -- actually going up some boulders, etc. And I was proud he made it up all the way by himself. The down side to that was he was exhausted and getting a blister on his foot. We went down an easier trail -- but longer -- and I carried him on my shoulders for at least 2 miles. Man was I tired. But it was a good day.

He and I stayed over at a friends house Saturday night. It was a watch movies and play Wii games. He had a good time. Then yesterday morning we went to a new church with our friends. I've met a lot of people that go there through playing soccer. Good people. Then on to play soccer, and go to the pool. Last day for the pool this year.

Oh and for those that know me. My soccer team is in the play-offs - won our first play off game last Tuesday 8-2. We play tomorrow night -- if we win the first game -- we wait during the next game and then play the winner of that game for the championship. The advantages of being the #1 seed.

That is all for now. This is my thread now. I will check on my old one if anyone posts there. 

My new journey begins.


----------



## hagus

Congrats on the time you spent with your son at the mountains.Hope you do well in soccer.I read your other post when you were seperated from now exw.I'm also ng and going through the seperation.I get to move out at the end of the month and hoping it will be a better time for me.


----------



## Deejo

I recognize and acknowledge that there is undoubtedly pain and sadness surrounding the death of your marriage, FA. 

But ... whether you meant for it to or not, your post comes across as very hopeful, optimistic and inspirational. 

I for one will readily admit that the bond I have with my children and the activities we pursue together are powerful and simply 'good'.

My sense tells me that you will be single only for as long as you choose to be.

Your son is very fortunate to be blessed with you for a father, friend and role model.


----------



## Feelingalone

Deejo,

There still is pain surrounding it Deejo. I did mourn it yesterday. But as I said the burden of having hope has been lifted. I won't lie and say I won't have moments going forward -- I know I will we all do.

I'm glad you saw it as optimistic -- I was just writiing my thoughts.


----------



## Corpuswife

The finality of it being truly OVER. Wow! FA, we've had quite a ride! You are a strong, centered man that has endured much. 

You son is lucky to have you. 

Good luck on the soccer championships! 

BTW...your post was inspirational...


----------



## Feelingalone

Thanks CW. It has been a long ride hasn't it. I just keep moving forward -- isn't that all any of us can do?

Deejo, I'm going back to the question Who do I want to be? Before I ask who will go with me? I know my son will. Now start planning some things for he and I.


----------



## Feelingalone

Well it was close tonight. Won the first game and played for the championships. Lost in sudden death over time after a bad call gave the other team an indirect kick just outside the goal box. Oh well, can't win them all -- we had fun. Tough playing two games in one night.

I'm tired and wired at the same time.


----------



## stbxhmaybe

The best of luck feelingalone, I know you will be ok, you have done everything on the book and more and really have dissected what happened in order to grow. I am on the same path, I divorced last week of August, and I am just hopeful and relieved too. 

Godspeed for both of us.


----------



## lastinline

FA, what's worthwhile is seldom easy, and what's easy is seldom worthwhile. My suspicion is that you and your son will grow even closer as time goes on. I realize that's not a replacement for the relationship that you've lost. However, it's not meant to be. In many ways, I have found fatherhood to be far more rewarding than marriage. I'd be interested on hearing your take. 

Enjoy your son for this season in your life when you aren't distracted by anyone else. I believe that you will look back and remember this as a very special time. God bless, and good luck.

LIL...single thriving father of six.


----------



## Feelingalone

LIL, here is my take on it. You're right. I find doing homework with him a joy whereas it was once almost a chore. Doing the most mundane things with him become a joy -- ok so not always -- but most of the time. For the very reasoin I'm not there with him everyda. And I believe we are already getting closer. 

I will enjoy this time with him. I cherish it.

That sounds like a tv show -- LIL... single thriving father of six - with this add on - kickin it with taw kwan do.


----------



## lobokies

i'm glad to read one of the best 'life goes on" thread on this forum.

God Bless You Brother.


----------



## Feelingalone

Thanks lobokies. And god bless you brother.

Well, had our first soccer game for the boys today. I stepped back this season to be only the assistant coach. And my lil guy is out of town with his mother. But I still coached today -- make a commitment you do it for the team.

Kids played their hearts out and had fun. Sometimes they are frustrating -- each one learns and needs direction differently and that is hard to figure out with one practice. But overall they did great. 

Just journaling a little which is what I will probably make this thread. A place to journal.


----------



## Feelingalone

I am surviving. Last week was a little rough. Seeing my ex of only a few days wearing an engagement ring took me back. No not unexpected at all, but actually seeing it is something entirely different.

Turns out a couple of my friends had run into her and him at a festival two Sundays ago. I asked so what was he like, for i have never met him. Both seperately said he was a goober. Funny they both used the same term. It doesn't really matter thought what he is like.

Well tonight I have my son for dinner and soccer practice. I miss him when he isn't around so much. That is the hardest part in all of this. He is just such a great kid. I hope he pulls through all this.

I know it is rough on him. That he still has hope for a reconcilliation. All I do is tell him the truth about things. I do write him a letter from time to time. These letters I will give him when he is older so that he can understand where I've been and where I've come and hopefully he can grow from them. I include little nuggets of wisdom I have found during this time.


----------



## lastinline

It's funny how you continue to "cross paths" with each other in your normal day to day life. In the beginning it was odd and bothered me, but now I really don't mind so much. I know longer think of her as my wife.

It's good FA you have the sense not to beat yourself up over the whole "him vs. you" issue. Like you said in your closing line...she is gone---her loss.

LIL


----------



## Feelingalone

Yes LIL she is gone and it is her loss. It really is ironice since my friends who saw her that day were the ones who saw with another guy last year at the amusement park last year (before we were "getting a divorce" -- of course they were "just friends"). Fortunately for me, one of them said "Is that the same guy as last year?" right in front of this guy. Priceless.........

Oh I'm sure for new guy there is a "cover story". No, I don't compare LIL. He aint worth my spit!


----------



## Feelingalone

LIL,

Forgot to ask how you are and how you're six kickin it tae kwan do kids are? Hope all is well in your little piece of insanity.


----------



## Feelingalone

Just back from lunch at school with my son. I love it when he first sees me -- his eyes just light up and a big smile erupts on his face. I need to keep the picture of those eyes and smile in my mind.

Take lots of pictures, not of sites or buildings, but of moments, cause that's what matters. Capture them in your head and hold on to them in your heart. -Shawn Spencer


----------



## Affaircare

FA~

You sure have made a lot of progress since you first came on here. I can't speak for everyone, but I've appreciated the way you chronicled your thoughts and daily struggles--I think it helps people to realize they're not alone. When I was going through my divorce, I can honestly remember just being STUNNED that I was going to be in my 30's and divorced!  That possibility had just never even entered my mind, and here it was becoming a reality! 

For quite a while after affair, I struggled to save the marriage. After the divorce was final, I struggled just to figure out sort of "How to be Divorced" as it was such a foreign topic to me. I had NO CLUE how to recover and the thought of "getting back out there" in the real world was just not appealing to me! One thing I did, though, that was really helpful was attend a Fisher Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends seminar. It's really a 10-week group and you go over the steps of recovering which helped me to feel like there was a way out of this toward having a happy, fulfilling life. But for me the real benefit was that I met OTHER PEOPLE, near me, male and female, who were in the same boat I was. The group got to be friends and we hung out together, and it was my first foray into having my own "divorced" friends and my own social life; the best part was that I knew at the time that they were all practicing too and it was okay! 

Now there may or may not be such a seminar near you, but if not, that might be one thing for you to do both for fun and to help you take more steps in your personal journey.


----------



## Feelingalone

AC,

Thanks. I guess I've journaled a lot on here. It has helped. I haven't yet, but I will re-read what I've written since the beginning one day. Does anyone know how to download it? It is something that I would like to keep with me for a while.

Today was a good day. Coached my son's soccer team this morning to 1 - 0 win. The best thing was that the kids played hard and had some fun. Then house cleaning, work out, and my son for the night. We just got back from seeing The Legend of the Guardians. 

I've started going to a church. As I posted a little while a go, friends I've known for a while and new ones I've met playing soccer go there. It is a different kind of church where it isn't about the building, it is about the word. They actually just rent space so that they can give out to the community. No it isn't about social justice as some churches have begun to preach. It is about personal responsibility. That you are responsible for creating the mature relationships that you crave. That you have to work at them whether it is your relationship with God or with your spouse, or friends. It is about connecting with people. It has struck a chord with me.

All I do is keep trying to move forward. To keep improving. To keep being strong. And not be too hard on myself when I have moments of weakness and sadness which I still do.

Peace.


----------



## Feelingalone

Funny thing about Saturday's soccer game. My friend, whose son is on the team, was curious about my xW being engaged. He told me while the game was going on he kept checking to see if he could see my Xw wearing a ring or not. He said she kept her right hand over her left all the time -- but he caught her without her hand covering once and there was a ring. 

Gee, why would you cover it up? I can only assume guilt. I mean if you were sure and it was so right you wouldn't hide the fact of the engagement and your happiness. As for me, no I didn't look, check or anything like that. I just treated her like one of the other mothers of the kids I coach -- for that is all she is to me.


----------



## stbxhmaybe

I am happy that you are taking this the Zen way, my friends give me a hard time about that. You are your zen way they say. I tell them that I am mostly at peace with my old relationship and myself, and it seems you are as well. 

I used to be mad all the time you know? even before we separated, I wasn't enjoying life at all due to our marriage problems. When I watched the movie Eat,Pray, Love, the main character said something very true and I used to feel that way:

"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving" that's how I felt, because either way I knew I was going to be miserable, but at least one was going to be temporary, we are going through the temporary one. 

Your x-wife will have to learn by herself, all you can do is to wish her well and hope she will find happiness my friend.


----------



## Feelingalone

Stbxmaybe,

I'm not totally at peace with everything. But I get closer every day. I still have moments. But in the end it is what it is.

Had a pretty good weekend. Had my son Friday night. We just messed around Friday night - we played games on the star wars clone adventures web site together. Got up early worked out, had breakfast then messing around a little, then on to his soccer game.

The kids played their hearts out in a loss. Afterward we cut a tree down together (first time). He helped drag limbs to the curb. He did a good job. Then he went with his mother. 

I went out with friends to celebrate Oktoberfest at a great german restaraunt here in Charlotte. Lots of good german beer, food, and fun was had by all. It is an outdoor event and the weather was perfect -- about 65 degrees.


----------



## dblkman

having a life after divorce is so important! I remember virtually secluding myself in my room for several months until my friends darn near forced me out. was the best thing for me


----------



## Feelingalone

dblkman,

You are right. You've got to do things. Have a life. Sometimes that means doing things by yourself. I'm lucky that I see my son 3 times a week, then there is playing rec league soccer, his soccer games, Sunday afternoons playing pick up soccer/hanging outside. It does make a huge difference.

Things could be a lot worse. Still it is quite an adjustment. At times I still think about the dreams I had of the three of us for the future. I try to focus on future things for my son and I, but it isn't always clear. In time I know it will come.


----------



## Feelingalone

Good evening last night with my son. Did some homework, had dinner and then to the park. We played catch for a while, threw a nerf football.

He was a little sad that none of his friends were available to play. He gets upset about it. He thinks "no one wants to play with him". I said did anyone say that? No. Well they are just busy. That is how it goes some times that is all.

His birthday is soon. My ex makes barbs about not having enought money to throw him a party. Of course she has enough to enter bike races, etc. I don't engage back on the issue. Why give her the satisfaction -- doesn't do any good. Maybe one day she will realize this is a consequence of her actions. Then again with her track record I somehow doubt it.


----------



## Corpuswife

H is so cute! Poor baby...taking it personally that no friends are available. You are his playmate!!! Duh!!

Poor ex. No money. Her problem. HA!! 

His birthday will be terrific as I know that you'll make sure of it!! 

My son will be 22 years on the same day. I can't believe how quick time flies....

My ex wants us to go to a fancy restaurant, just the 4 of us. Like we did for our daughter. I am not against for this year. I probably won't do it any other year unless MY kids request.


----------



## Feelingalone

CW,

He is cute.

I almost replied back that her fiance I'm sure would pay!!! Ha


----------



## stbxhmaybe

Helloooooo

Finally I'm back, lots of planning. I finally know to which city I'm going to be moving to and weird enough it's about the same distance from here to my ex's city is but going north HA! AND in a different state, NICE! I'll be even farther away from her now. The internship overseas didn't materialize but I am still going on vacation next year to see friends and family, oh well wasn't meant to be right? 

How are you guys? I am glad of reading you are spending a lot of time with your son, couldn't think of a better person right? I am leaving this afternoon on a road trip with 2 friends and coming back until Monday, which will be awesome. We are meeting more friends in our destination. Finally going away from this god forsaken city. 

Anyway, still going strong, and what dblkman said is so true, it took months to get the courage to come back to my own senses. Just lately I was able to open some of the bags my ex sent to me when we separated, I couldn't really open them because it would hurt me sooo much, now I see the remains of my marriage and I just shrug and say "C'est la vie." 

Best wishes to all of you my friends  and plan something, do something every day that scares you. I still need to approach some girl I like and ask her out but it's in the works. I was talking this week to my cousin, which is like my sister, and out of the sudden in the middle of our conversation she said "awww little by little you are becoming you again" and it's true


----------



## Feelingalone

stbxmaybe,

Glad to hear you are doing so well. It is little by little or baby steps. Go and enjoy. I tell you I'm planning sometime to go see a friend in Bali next year. Why the he#$ not.

And I've approached a girl that I like -- I'll keep you informed. But I'm not in a rush, for I'm still taking lil steps. I'm still working on me and that is the most important thing.

Keep strong my friend -- you are doing great!!!!!!!


----------



## Affaircare

FA~

You are single, right? Completely available and unattached. That I can tell, there is no reason whatsoever to NOT approach a girl you like. Why not? At this point, go slowly so you're comfortable and if it doesn't work out, then you'll know that you are CAPABLE of feeling for a woman and your heart's not dead. If it does work out for a while and then end, you'll have had her in your life for a season and learned valuable life things from her. And if it works out... it works out!


----------



## Feelingalone

AC,

I am single. I am approaching. I'm just taking my time. I'm not in a rush for anything. I'm still working on me. Last year at this time I was a mess -- now I'm not. I'm looking forward and not behind most of the time - so that is something.


----------



## Affaircare

FWIW, I did the same thing myself during my single years. At first I just got my own head on pretty straight. Once I felt pretty secure in myself I tried Match.com etc. and didn't like it so I just asked a guy out. It was a fella who was a regular at the coffeeshop I went to, and we had bumped into each other fairly often and would talk in line. Well, we met for lunch and coffee-then dinner-and it didn't turn into a romance; however, we stayed friends for years and just decided there was no chemistry but we actually deeply liked each other. Know what I mean?

So  enjoy! I hope you meet some wonderful ladies! :smthumbup: I know for me, I always took it as a) proof that my heart could still have a crush, and b) I learned or added a little thing to my list of what I'd like in a partner. And seriously I met some real jerks but also met some STUNNINGLY good men--they just weren't right for me.


----------



## Feelingalone

Had a pretty good weekend. Relaxed Friday night after a good workout. Had my lil guy Saturday night. We went to a friends to hang out (my friend who kicked his w out about a month ago). We did games and stuff with the kids. Got up Sunday, went to church and then on to Sunday soccer. It was a great weather day and the kids played with us adults as well. And of course they also just played outside.

Kids don't do that as much today like they used to. That is one reason I really like our Sunday afternoon soccer pick up games. Cause the kids are with us and just play outside and enjoy. 

Got soccer practice with my son's team tonight and dinner with him. Hope the kids listen better this week,last week had to run them some for not listening.


----------



## sisters359

I find the time away from my kids is actually useful--I have so much to do, and I want to do it all when I'm not with them so I can focus on them when I am. When married, no matter how much I had to do, I was "on call" all the time and I don't think I was as loving and patient as I am now. Not that I was awful, but I think it is so good for my kids to have their father more active in their lives and I've found good use to make of my "alone" time. Truthfully, if he was f*cking up his time with them, I'd go for sole custody--but he's not, and I didn't expect that he would--but I did worry, knowing what he is like. And, I'm only a phone call or a Skype call away  They love to skype me, even when we're in the same house (sometimes the same room, when they are being really silly!)

Embrace your free time--you did not choose it, and yes, you'd rather be around your kids more, but it is a valuable gift that many people, for whatever reason, don't get. You cannot change the past, but you can make the most of the present.


----------



## Feelingalone

Well another pretty good weekend. My son's birthday is today -- he turns 8. So we did a birthday dinner at his favorite type of restaurant -- japaneese steakhouse Friday night. He loves it and we got his favorite chef. Lots of fun. Then rented and watched Ironman 2. 

Up early Saturday for his soccer game at 8:15 -- he played hard, and scored a goal. But what made me proud is that he played hard. I told him that made me proud of him. We went to a fall festival for a couple of hours and then to a friends house so he could play. I was trying to get him to the local amusement park, but oh well he had fun!!!.

His mom picked him up and then I did an amazing work out. And just relaxed for the evening. Went to church and did soccer. It was a beautiful day out yesterday -- 76 and sunny. Great time. Hung out with friends after for dinner and just talked and watched a little football.

Tonight dinner with him and soccer practice for his team. I won't have him this weekend -- so a little bummed about that. He will be going to his grandma's in WV for the weekend for a Halloween party. I do miss things like that. But I get him for all of the next weekend -- having his birthday party that Saturday (bowling) with his friends.

Me -- I'll be working a community outreach Saturday morning through the church and coaching soccer team later. Time for me to get more involved. That is why I like this church -- its more about helping the community then what type of church building you have.

Learning about true humility. By that I mean not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less...... C.S. Lewis.


----------



## stbxhmaybe

Morning FeelingA,

That's great you are getting involved in the community. At the beginning of my separation I volunteered with the local American Cancer Society, but I felt that I first needed to put my life in order before trying to help other people. 

Like I have said, I am starting to enjoy life now, and when I feel is time I will try to volunteer some more. My weekend was great too, some friends and I went to the movies and then went out, first time in a long time that I came back home at 3am. It was a group of really interesting people, some were my friends, some friends of friends, too bad I will be leaving this city soon. 

I will have to find new acquaintances in the new city, but most importantly a NEW JOB! I am kind of nervous about that, I mean I have unemployment benefits for 6 months starting in January but still it sucks to move w/o a job offer. I still feel the need to leave this town though, it is just full of memories that do not let me move completely on.

Anyway, I will keep posting and things develop, I hope everybody has a great week. Have fun with your son, and happy birthday to him


----------



## Feelingalone

stbx,

Good to hear from you. Thanks for the b-day wishes. I'm just moving along trying to learn and grow and start living again.

I still struggle with who I really want to be though. And to be honest of late I feel anger towards my ex w. I don't know why. For me the hardest thing is I still have to have contact with her due to our son. And for me when i'm done with someone i'm done. No contact, nothing. But with him involved that isn't possible and I think that gets to me.

Just something new I must figure out for me.


----------



## Affaircare

FA~

I am not sure if it will be like this for everyone, but let me share with you what it was like to "co-parent" with a spouse who cheated on and divorced me. If you remember, in many ways our stories have similarities in that I married for life, I wasn't blind but I never even thought of other men, he was "flirty" and then one day I got the absolute proof of infidelity. Like you at first I somewhat freaked out, and then I started to get my own head together, got myself and my life in order, started counseling and reading about marriage and support groups, and began to see the patterns he refused to acknowledge. Eventually, rather than address his own issues, he chose instead to leave. At the time I was mid-30s and my kids were on the younger end of elementary school. 

I know for a fact that when my ex left he thought I would be around his little finger to "control from a distance" while he did what he wanted with who he wanted. I know he also expected I'd continue to meet some of wifely needs such as "free babysitting" and that I would financially care for the kids and not expect him be a responsible parent. I think he suspected he would get the kids and I would care for them ... for him.  I know his version was basically "continue as we are except that I move out, don't have to put up with you, and I can get laid by others" LOL :lol: 

Imagine his surprise when I *DIDN'T* ask for him anymore, didn't call him constantly, and didn't want him involved in my life...at all! He did, at first, completely take off for a few months but thereafter he would subtly try to get back in or try to force me into a corner, but I wasn't interested anymore. We ended up selling our marital home and we moved 3 miles apart. I had the kids and *DID* put child support into the divorce, and it angered him that I asked for it (naturally it was me being selfish, not society expecting him to care for the children he decided to create). And he was into his affairs and running around enough that we had 50/50 in the divorce but in real life we worked it out so the kids lived with me--just 3 miles from him--and they could come by him any time he arranged it or they asked to see him. I think they got together about once a month. He didn't even have a room for them to sleep over for several months! 

At first he did try the "You need to do this for the kids..." :bsflag: but when I didn't fall for that, he did eventually stop. When I didn't return his phone calls or emails, he did eventually stop them too. When he'd ask where I was, I never told him my plans or who I was with or why--just "I have something scheduled. That won't work for me" or "I have an appointment so can you watch the kids or shall I make an alternate arrangement?" and that's it. When I saw him, I didn't go linger in his house or try to "talk" to him--just dropped the kids off in the driveway and left. When he dropped them off I didn't invite him in. I was civil and courteous as I would be if he were the pizza delivery man, but that's it. 

Now he lives on one coast, I live on the other coast, the kids are both grown and he periodically calls them on the phone. They both live near me. And for graduations and things, they include him, he "plans" them from thousands of miles away, and everyone pretty much agrees to just put up with him for the couple of days he's around. He has a new life; I have a new life; and neither one of us really have any ill will--we just don't speak.


----------



## Feelingalone

Thanks for sharing AC. Maybe I'm grieving still over the loss. I'm not sure. The only thing I know is that I have no desire to converse with her whatsoever. I'm not mean about it, I just don't say anything.

It is to the point when I pick up or drop off my son, I just stay in my truck. I mean we have an agreement -- whomever picks up our son, the other then does the pick up or drop off. And still she always asks about it. She knows that if I pick up Friday night, she will be picking up Saturday. So why does she always ask. Its like a frickin broken record.

Oh well. Just figuring things out.


----------



## stbxhmaybe

Hello all, 

This past weekend was ordinary, but for one thing. I've been dreaming about my ex-wife for the last 3 nights!! Some have been just as if dreaming about friends, just normal chatting, but some others have been of arguments full of anger and resentment, me facing her and telling her that I resented the fact that she moved on so fast and started dating within just a couple of months after the separation (not even divorce). I really don't understand why out of nowhere I started dreaming about her, and moreover I don't want to feel resentment about her actions, it is not sane. 

It is all in the past, it's been nearly 7 months since the last time I spoke to her and her life should not be of my concern anymore, I guess is just the normal grieving process like you said feelingA. It is just too tiring, I want to have my life completely back, it just gets on my nerves that I have done everything to move on, and I am doing so but man it has been so difficult...


----------



## Feelingalone

Yes stbx, it is tiring. I had an interesting weekend. My son was out of town, so Saturday I did some community outreach through the church I've started attending. Cooked hot dogs for three hours at a Freestore for anyone that was there or dropping of clothes or other items. Met some new people and it felt good. Coached my son's soccer team after that and then a great workout after that. 

Yesterday was a normal Sunday -- church, pickup soccer and then coached another soccer game. Then I sat and talked with my friends wife whom he has kicked out until she straigtens herself out.
She is a mess. But she still won't look in the mirror. And just so everyone knows -- before meeting her I let my friend know I was meeting with her to ensure (a) he knew, and (b) that he was all right with it.

She needs help and feels alone and abandoned -- again not realizing it is her actions that have caused this. She is a friend of my ex w's as well -- they are mutual friends. During the course of our conversation of course she came up. She is the one I mentioned a few posts back when her husband told her that my ex w was engaged -- she was like to who? That guy from WV? And he said I guess so. She said -- is she that stupid? This coming from someone who is messed up in her life realizing the same about another person. She reiterated a lot of that last night -- which I found intersting.

Here is the thing I would like to ask of the forum. My friends wife is a mess. Financially my friend has cut her off -- with the exception of health and car insurance and he does buy her groceries and such. He maintains his calm and cool demeanor around her, etc. Basically is doing everything right. She is about to miss rent, she hasn't paid her electric, car payment, etc. Yes they have two kids. 

She is bipolar, an alcoholic (in total denial about it), and has trauma left-over from a gang rape at the age of 14. Like I said a mess. 

Knowing where she is at financially, my friend wants to invite back to the home -- not as his wife, but as a friend. Problem is with enabling her to continue this actions. He realizes this and does not know what to do. Right now to him the relationship is on hold, he just wants her to straighten out for the kids. Anythoughts? I should mention that he didn't just kick her to the curb -- he said I love you, I want to be with you, but you must do these things -- sober up, start medicating properly for bipolar, etc., etc.

They would be much appreciated. He has helped me enormously through my situation and I'm trying to hellp him in return. I am just unsure as he is about enabling her to continue these actions.


----------



## stbxhmaybe

Mmmm,

In my humble opinion I would say that he needs to show tough love, not completely if he doesn't want to, if he really wants to help her at least help her to pay rent but that's it. She will have a roof over her head but no utilities. It doesn't matter how stubborn she is but when she sees herself in the mess she herself has created I think that'll teach her a lesson. 

No electricity, gas, water,etc can be really though for somebody who's never had this amenities taken away.


----------



## Feelingalone

stbx,

He is already showing tough love to her. Right now he just wants her to get better for the kids. Right now she doesn't see that she is the cause of anything. She is in an alternate universe -- a deep, deep fog.


----------



## Corpuswife

FA:

I was difficult, for your friend, to let her go. I can only imagine.

However, letting her back in, may end up feeling like a revolving door to the kids. More than likely, nothing will be gained, in the long run as she's unwilling to look inside herself. 

Bringing her back in, in my opinion, will only postpone the inevitable.

It's so difficult to do these things to someone you love. So, I can understand his dilemna. I'll pray for your friend.


----------



## Feelingalone

Thanks CW,

Well, my friend and his wife have had a lot of talks starting Monday evening. He is allowing back into the home. Although well aware of the risks, he is setting up stringent boundaries with her which may or may not work for her.

She has apologized for things she has not taken ownership of before, so maybe, just maybe the last 2 months on her own have made her realize some things. All I can do is pray for them and their kids.

Well I get my lil guy for the entire weekend. Lots to do. I'll pick him up a little early tomorrow. We are going to Scarowinds tomorrow evening. An amusement park all decked out for Halloween, etc. Then an early soccer game Saturday morning, his birthday party (I know a little late but that is what happens post divorce), then on to a trunk or treat evening. Sunday to the new church (he likes it and "wants to go") and on to soccer with friends. Then drop off and he trick or treats Sunday night with his mom.

Should be a great weekend. I love him soo much.

I back into the acceptance phase of loss. Don't really go into denial phase just anger, maybe a little bargaining and acceptance. One day the cycle will be totally done. Although I admit I still look back and think I could have done things better or differently during our separation. I know I can't change that or anything else in the past -- it is what it is. I guess I look at how my friend has handled things and wish I acted at times more like him. Oh well, I will in the future.


----------



## Feelingalone

It was a great weekend with my son. We actually did go to Scarowinds Friday night. Wasn't sure when I said it was time to go that he would. But he did. Only thing was it was sooo crowded. Long lines on the rides and they had so many smoke machines going that it actually was getting to my eyes. My poor son -- the machines were mostly set about his height so every time one started sending fog out it was right at his eye level. So we rode a few rides and called it a night after about an hour and a half.

Probably not a bad thing since he had an 8:15 am soccer game. So up early Saturday for the game, then a little relaxation for him (I got in a workout) and then his belated birthday party. He loved it. He didn't have one last year (due to the situation) and wanted one so bad. He and his friends had a ball bowling. Got his bowling pin signed with everyone in attendance. He was smiling and having a great time. I actually invited the ex and she showed up. I'll give her credit at least she didn't bring the fiance. But she bolted after only a half hour.

Then it was on to a trunk or treat evening at my parents church -- just made it from the bowling alley with time for him to change into costume. He trick or treated, then did crafts, had hot dogs and watched Charlie Brown's Great Pumpkin. Then home to relax a little and to bed.

Up early and off to church and then we enjoyed a beautiful sunny afternoon throwing ball and then playing soccer. He played with us adults. Then I dropped him off at his mom's to get ready and go trick or treating again. Got to me about not being with him again on Halloween night. So I got home and did a yoga routine to relax.

Big weekend.


----------



## Feelingalone

Another week has passed. I just try to keep moving forward. Been a little more difficult this week. My friend's wife (the one that was kicked out and has now moved back in) was talking with my ex w during my sons soccer game (her son is on the same team). And she said -- you know it isn't over. I'm like what, me and my ex w. She said yes. I said we are divorced (her --- when did that happen), she is engaged to someone else. She said yeah, but people get back together after divorce. And she (meaning my ex) just couldn't say no to the guy. 

She was like just be her friend. I said I can't. She made her choices. That I was done.

I find myself wondering about this a lot. Now my friend's wife -- who knows if she heard this correctly or not, or if it is one of her more exaggerated things from her bipolar condition, or if its true.

It just makes me think. But isn't the reality exactly what I said and that I just keep moving on. Hmmmmmm.........


----------



## Affaircare

FeelingAlone~

According to all the legal laws and even the "moral" Christian laws I know, the moment you have proof and know your spouse is unfaithful, you have the right to divorce and have a clear conscience. Thus from what I can see, it seems reasonable and moral to say that once the divorce papers are final, it's over completely. I also think that when your wife married you, she made a promise to say "no" to other men...so that really isn't a very realistic argument, is it?

From my personal experience, although I made a decision that I would try until the divorce was final, but one it was finalized it was over, that in no way meant that after the ink dried that I suddenly stopped loving my exH. It's not like that just turns off when some person I don't know signs a paper! But everyone has a certain personal limit. Like you, that was the limit I set personally--prior to that I kept my heart open in hope and after that, like you, I did also close the door and protect my heart. 

You loved your wife for a long time, and at least on your end the flame may have been lowering but it was in no way out! So for you, part of the post-divorce recovering is going to be realizing that as long as your son is alive you probably will have some feelings for your ex. I won't say you'll love her the whole time because I don't think that's true entirely--but I bet you will care about her enough to hope she's happy and finds what she's looking for and she doesn't meet with disaster. Part of the recovery is going to be grieving the loss of love and loving feelings for her. Part of the recovery is going to be getting really angry at her for ripping away! And part of it will be accepting and embracing the fact that it may not be "romantic love" but you'll probably always care about her to some degree. As a new person comes into your life and enchants your heart, your mind and emotions will be thinking of them (and if you marry your devotion will go toward the new person) but because you have grown personally, you'll be able to forgive her and at least be civil and care enough to hope she's alright. That will probably never die.

Finally, I have to tell you that I suspect your friends' wife told you this because it has to do with HER. She has made some major mistakes and part of her right now is thinking, "Wow I hope there are second and third chances after making REALLY BAD CHOICES and doing what I know is wrong." If there is hope for you and your ex...maybe there's hope for her. 

So in summary, I don't think it's unreasonable for you to say "it's over" between you and your ex--I don't think you're being vengeful or spiteful--I do think it's pretty normal to still feel something for her--and I suspect this is about 99% about your friends' wife and not about you.


----------



## Feelingalone

AC,

Thank for your words of wisdom. Actually I'm not sure my friend's wife would actually think that she has done anything wrong -- yet. I hope she realizes at some point. No, she might be exagerating due her delusions of grandeur that come with being bipolar, but then again she was even keeled at the time. But it doesn't matter. I would have to hear something like that from the horse's mouth so to speak and that I would never expect. I actually do believe she told my friend what was relayed -- would fit the cycle now wouldn't it. And the divorce is real now -- I'm not her friend -- which I'm sure I would be and be happy for her. Surprise. NOT.

But I just move forward. Went to see Megamind last night with my boy. Pretty good but I liked How to Train a Dragon Better. This morning over to Home Depot for the kids project on the first Saturday of the month, then some Wii and then his soccer game.

Just got done a good workout. Working through a program to be able to do 50 consecutive pull ups, along with abs, and all kinds of core exercises, and tomorrow my push up program and more core exercises, and some yoga. Then in the afternoon soccer. 

Tonight just a relaxing night maybe watch a movie or finish reading a book.


----------



## stbxhmaybe

FA, 

It is all a journey isn't it? but you are keeping you head above the water, the most amazing thing is that you have a diary, sorta, in this website. Haven't we all moved on somewhat? What a difference from those sad and desperate first messages on this forum to more relaxed and calm posts. My therapist said something to me when I told him like I felt like a failure because my marriage ended. He said that we are survivors not failures, we survived a separation, in your case unfaithfulness also, depression, divorce, frustration, and all those feelings that were so fresh not long ago, and even now we are still surviving the post-divorce trauma. 

We are still recovering, and don't know when the wondering will stop as well as the bad days but they will some day. Like I said on my last email to my ex, it hasn't and will not be easy, but who said life is easy? 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, I am of the thought that sooner or later we will be able to look back and just smile and be glad that bad days are not that often, even maybe look back and then glance at our side and find the smile of a woman that we have grown to be madly in love with


----------



## dblkman

stbxhmaybe said:


> FA,
> 
> It is all a journey isn't it? but you are keeping you head above the water, the most amazing thing is that you have a diary, sorta, in this website. Haven't we all moved on somewhat? What a difference from those sad and desperate first messages on this forum to more relaxed and calm posts. My therapist said something to me when I told him like I felt like a failure because my marriage ended. He said that we are survivors not failures, we survived a separation, in your case unfaithfulness also, depression, divorce, frustration, and all those feelings that were so fresh not long ago, and even now we are still surviving the post-divorce trauma.
> 
> We are still recovering, and don't know when the wondering will stop as well as the bad days but they will some day. Like I said on my last email to my ex, it hasn't and will not be easy, but who said life is easy?
> 
> Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, I am of the thought that sooner or later we will be able to look back and just smile and be glad that bad days are not that often, even maybe look back and then glance at our side and find the smile of a woman that we have grown to be madly in love with


I agree! makes me wish I had kept some sort of journal years ago. Granted it would be in the trash right now because I am remarried to an amazing woman but during the rough times it would have made things a bit easier.


----------



## Feelingalone

Thanks Stbxmaybe. You've got a great positive outlook. Yesterday was a good day. Today has been so far. My friend's wife (who is also a friend) said something to me yesterday -- that she was back with her h because of our talk. Don't know if that is a good thing or not. She seems to be getting more positive. We'll see.

No today is my son's last soccer practice and this saturday is his last game. I'll miss coaching. I enjoy it and it is something to do as well. Next up for my son will be swimming during january, february, and march. That is if he wants to swim this year. He's been doing swim team since he was 5. This will be his fourth year if he does. He's built for swimming -- long arms with double jointed shouders and freakily fllexible elbows, long legs and probably will have the height of being at least 6' if not taller.

He's doing great in school -- got his report card last week. I'm proud of him. And yes I tell him. His teachers all love him. He is my joy!!!!!!!

Yes Stbxmaybe, one day we will look back and smile and hopefully there will be someone next to us. And this has been a journal for me. As are the letters I write to my son and my own journal that I write in from time to time. 

dbklman, you never know if you'd of trashed it. But obviously you learned a lot and found your amazing woman to be with.


----------



## LVS

Feelingalone,
I read all your thread and few posts randomly from your other threads
God knows how much i was in need to read in your journey. You went through a lot but as they said what doesn't kill us turns us to be stronger and here you are, i am happy for you that you are able to move on with such great attitude and openness to the life and the hope of the future your son is for sure so lucky to have a father like you 

I am in the midway of the divorce path. Even though my story differs of yours but we all need to go through the recovery time and grievance when no more hope of reconciliation and when we need to delete all the dreams built around the other person.....

Anyway i still have time to think about that as my divorce is not final yet and i still need to keep the hope that maybe one day things will get better and i will be back to my H but i don't have hope in him hmmmm. 

You were talking about your anger toward your wife and in fact i have this anger toward my H and i know why. It is because of the instability of my life and my insecure feeling of the future and the thought of starting my life over even to think of dating another person who is going to be a step father to my kids which i never thought one day it could happen all these things together give me this feeling of anger toward the one who disappointed me and let me down and pushed me to move out of his life and destroyed my dreams and my plans for a happy family together for ever....

I am going now through depression, this is my third week on antidepressant (i was hoping to make it without having depression but couldn't help it) after the first week taking med i started to feel life back. I started quickly planning and organizing my life so i don't get back to depression again.

Reading what you are doing after divorce is giving me a clear view for the near future and, as i heard it more than once in this thread and also my friends on my thread said it, maybe one day we will be able to look back and smile... 

BTW i loved all the supportive and inspiring replies especially from AffairCare and stbxmaybe.

I would love to keep updated about stbxmaybe move to other city and how you will be planning your life i wish you the best

AffairCare all what you posted is full of wisdom and very inspiring 

Good luck Feelingalone You are already on the right track


----------



## notreadytoquit

"You were talking about your anger toward your wife and in fact i have this anger toward my H and i know why. It is because of the instability of my life and my insecure feeling of the future and the thought of starting my life over even to think of dating another person who is going to be a step father to my kids which i never thought one day it could happen all these things together give me this feeling of anger toward the one who disappointed me and let me down and pushed me to move out of his life and destroyed my dreams and my plans for a happy family together for ever...."

What you described above is exactly my anger now. I am already divorced but the anger is still there especially when he behaves as if nothing has happened. I really get angry when I am trying to haul 3 full grocery bags,a child in my arms that is screaming(he is not even 2), all with a severe backpain that basically says I should not lift heavy things(like I have the choice now).I hope that anger passes soon because it is trying to consume me. 

Sorry Feelingalone for venting on your thread.


----------



## Feelingalone

Anytime Notreadytoquit, anytime.


----------



## Feelingalone

Today I have peace. Got a double header of soccer games this evening. Back-to-back no less. Dang I will be tired. That is for sure.


----------



## Feelingalone

A good time playing soccer last night. A little chilly and a little late. The first game didn't start until 8:40 pm and second one at 9:40 pm. We lost the first game and won the second game. We were just a little off in the first game. Although tired in the second game we beat em. I knew a couple of the guys on the other team in the second game. 

Of course for me after that I was wide awake and couldn't sleep for a good while. Only bad thing about late games for me. 

My son is sick today with crupe. Ex sent me a text letting me know. I responded with Thanks. Let me know how I can help. Times like this are what get me -- not being there.


----------



## notreadytoquit

It is just as difficult for you as it is for your ex. Speaking from the other side(the custodial parent) it is also difficult for me trying to do everything plus care for a sick child. In my case my ex is in another country not even close by. Yes he calls more often when son is sick(does not happen often that he is sick) but that still does not compensate for the fact that he is not there and I have no help whatsoever. My ex left when I needes him the most.

What you can do now is make yourself available just like you said in your text. Maybe offer to care for your son while he is sick, or take him to the doctor. That way your ex wife does not have to be the one taking the time off work all the time and you get to be there for your son when he is sick.


----------



## Feelingalone

Notreadytoquit,

That is why I offerred. I just want to do what is in the best interests of my son. I know it puts her under pressure, as it does you, however, the difference between you and her is you didn't want this. For her it is part of the consequence of her decisions. No matter though.


----------



## Feelingalone

Well he does have crupe. Tonight is normally a dinner night with my son, but my ex is cancelling her fitness class she teaches on Wednesday evenings and will try to get him to bed early. She asked if I could watch him tomorrow afternoon so she could work and I said yes and suggested an alternative where I wouldkeep him for the night (no school tomorrow) so she could work in the am like normal. Either way I don't care, I just want him to feel better.


----------



## notreadytoquit

unfortunately,that is all you can do. As a parent you never want your child to be sick in the first place. His well being is and should be the utmost priority for either one of you, married or divorced. But if she starts dumping the child to you so she can go and do other things, other than work then I would have a problem.

I hope your son feels better soon.


----------



## Feelingalone

Thanks notready.

No, I won't let her "dump" him so to speak so she can do other things. That is a job for a husband (as long as it isn't for adultery) and i'm no that.


----------



## Feelingalone

Took yesterday afternoon off to spend with my son. We went to a friends house and went fishing in a creek/small river. Kids had a great time. Everyone caught at least one fish. It was a beautiful sunny day, my son enjoyed being outside after being cooped up for a couple days. It was warm enough so I wasn't worried about him being cold and cool enough so he wouldn't sweat. Something about baiting hooks and unhooking fish with your son.

Only thing missing was my camera -- it was kind of a last minute thing. After fishing did some homework and he got to play more with his friends. 

All in all it was a great afternoon/evening. No matter what the ex did -- hopefully she did go to work --- I got a great memory with my son and he with me.


----------



## Feelingalone

Yesterday I had to go to a mandatory court ordered parenting class. A requirment in all divorce proceedings here in NC. All though I didn't want to go, it was a good experience. It reminded me that I'm not the only one going through this, and compared to most in there I was in a lot different situation. 

My biggest fear was my ex being in the same class. It isn't supposed to happen and it didn't for me, but there was a husband and wife that are divorcing or are divorced in the class. Not surprisingly neither one said much throughout the class. I was sitting between them. Talk about tension.

I did learn things that I need to improve on. At times it was difficult. For I feel guilty towards my son (guilt of I guess not being able to keep our family together, guilt for a lost future as a family) and feeling cheated. Cheated from being with my son 24/7. 

My biggest concern for my son is his emotional well being. I monitor his behavior at school through e-mails to his teacher. Since all this has occurred he hasn't shown any bad behaviors. I just can't get him to talk about what he is feeling. I know he must be going through the stages of grief too, but I can't feel where he is at in the process.

Interesting to note comments about dating, or introducing a new significant other. My ex has blown that portion completely. In her mind she probably had some rationalization.

But as I said I have areas to improve on -- so it was worth my time.


----------



## notreadytoquit

Did you not have to take that class before your divorce became official?


----------



## Feelingalone

No, here in NC the divorce decree itself is not tied to ED and Custody and we haven't settled on those yet.


----------



## notreadytoquit

oh ok in CT that class was mandatory before the divorce would become final. We did not take it together but I am pretty sure he and the OW took it together.


----------



## Feelingalone

A pretty good weekend. Had my son Friday night. We rented the Last Airbender movie and a Wii game -- Sonic Colors. He and I just "hung" out together. I really focused on just being with him. We played the game together -- he loves it when I play with him.

It was a beautiful day outside. We did get out and throw some frisbee and he rode his bike some. I would have done more outside but he still has a little cough left-over from earlier in the week.

It was realy just me and him time together without distractions. Turkey day won't be the same without him this year. He will be with his mother in WV visiting his family there. I'll miss him.

Yesterday was another gorgeous day here about 70 degrees. We had a great pick up game of 11 v 11 soccer. Played for over two hours. Then just hung out a while after.

Tuesday night I've got a soccer playoff game. Then Thursday I'll be playing football in Turkey Bowl 4. Yes we get together -- people that play pick up soccer on Sundays -- and play flag football. Hopefully it will be muddy -- last year was perfect. It rained the day before but was beautiful and sunny while we played. Last year my son even played in the game -- he had fun. 

I've been thinking of creating new traditions for just the two of us. I haven't come up with anything yet, suggestions are welcome. We as a family always picked out our X-mas tree over this weekend, things like that. It is harder with just the two of us. I'm not great at that type of thing. I know I will just miss him horribly ............


----------



## notreadytoquit

Well you seem to be into sports, why don't you creat some sort of game tradition at Christmas since you are blessed with a nice weather all year round. Soccer, football, anything him and you like. Maybe hiking to a special spot near your city or riding bikes etc


----------



## Affaircare

> It was realy just me and him time together without distractions. Turkey day won't be the same without him this year. He will be with his mother in WV visiting his family there. I'll miss him.


The first holidays after my divorce, my exH took the kids and (I could not make this up) took them to Disneyland! :rofl: I swear to God! It's funny now, but at the time I was devastated because I already lost my family and home, now he wanted to take away the kids for the holidays too! After being all upset for a bit, I decided it would be a great opportunity for the kids (their one and only chance to go) so I spent my first Christmas Eve and Day after divorce alone...and my family was in another state thousands of miles away. 

Soooooooo...I decided on that one day I would do what *I* wanted to do. I slept in, I told a long, hot bubble bath, I wore pajamas all day, I ate all dessert all day, and I went to church Christmas Eve. I played Christmas carols as loud as I wanted to, and I sang with them. That one was a toughish holiday but by the end of it, I had a very relaxing time and it was a little refreshing to have some "me time." 

After that first one, my exH and I pretty much split holidays evenly. He had T-giving early afternoon--I went to volunteer for a noon meal at the church and then held a t-giving potluck feast for everyone who wanted to come. We lived 3 miles apart so we just drove to meet mid-turkey day. 



> I've been thinking of creating new traditions for just the two of us. I haven't come up with anything yet, suggestions are welcome. We as a family always picked out our X-mas tree over this weekend, things like that. It is harder with just the two of us. I'm not great at that type of thing. I know I will just miss him horribly ............


For Christmas, one of us had the kids Christmas Eve and the other Christmas Day. Both of my kids were youngish (9 and 11 I think) and so we did entirely separate "celebrations" and at my house we almost always picked a theme for movies and ordered pizza because once I asked the kids "What do you wish we did" and they wanted pizza! LOL Anyway, we would open presents, then stay in our jammies and watch movies all day--we did "Tom Hanks Day" and "Tom Cruise" and "James Bond"...the kids got to pick who would be the actor/actress or what the theme was, and then I picked out the best four or so films. For our tree, we bought first weekend of December, and every year we gave each other ornaments that either said the year or was a theme (like "all candy canes" or "all red balls") or that we made. 

Some traditions we've done: Go to a public singing of Handel's Messiah. Go to the John Doan Christmas special or The Bells at the cool theater downtown. Go iceskating in Keystone the day after Christmas. Get fancy hot chocolate. Drive by the Fancy Light display houses. Visit the nursing home (even if you just pass out a candy cane). Adopt a family for charity and plan a great "secret" holiday for them. Bake cookies together. Go caroling or do a "family newsletter" together. Do an Advent Calendar (you can find those at most European shops). St. Nicholas Eve is December 5th--find out about it and celebrate. Santa Lucia Day is December 13th, the longest night of the year--on her day, a daughter rises before dawn and fixes a breakfast of special pastries and coffee for her family. She appears in their bedrooms, dressed in a white dress belted with a red sash, and wearing a wreath of greens and four (or seven or nine) lighted candles. Soooo...adapt it so that your son brings you "coffee and donuts" in bed and then you two men eat breakfast in your bed together (yeah it's crummy but so what--it's for the fun of a tradition and you can wash the sheets). Have Christmas Around the Globe, and pick a country (like this year Italy) and have Italian traditional foods, music, or Christmas greetings. 

OH! We did this one year and it was a HOOT! Take 3-4 "traditional" Christmas carols and come up with new, silly words! "The calling cards said 'Gentlemen' but much to our dismay, a gang of uncouth hooligans was at our door that day, to try to sing a Christmas song and drink cider away...Oh where is the Southern Comfort, Roy? Go away boy! I need some Southern Comfort for joy!" :lol:


----------



## Feelingalone

Happy Thanksgiving to all!!! Be thankful for the friends and family we do have, especially the friends we've met through TAM. Although I do have sadness in my heart today, I am thankful for what I do have -- good friends, supportive famiily, food on the table, a roof over my head. Before all this happened to me I was a different person. I was lost. Now I am on a path -- not sure where it will go, but I'm on it. Have a great Thanksgiving.


----------



## stbxhmaybe

Feelingalone said:


> Happy Thanksgiving to all!!! Be thankful for the friends and family we do have, especially the friends we've met through TAM. Although I do have sadness in my heart today, I am thankful for what I do have -- good friends, supportive famiily, food on the table, a roof over my head. Before all this happened to me I was a different person. I was lost. Now I am on a path -- not sure where it will go, but I'm on it. Have a great Thanksgiving.


Happy Thanksgiving to you too FA! I also have sadness in my heart, I feel so lonely even though I am around family. My first TG w/o her. I am happy to meet you all, sometimes I believe in a future some other times I don't sometimes I am happy sometimes I am lost. Anyway, the best to you all and don't eat too much turkey


----------



## Corpuswife

Holidays are bittersweet! You have the right idea by creating new traditions! I started to cry, when somone mentioned "thanksgiving" a few weeks ago. They asked "what's the matter." I told them that "I feel that I don't have a place." Meaning a place to belong. POOR ME MOMENT! I shook it off.

The next day, I figured that I cook turkey and invited my mom; kids; and friends. If they could come great. If not, lots of turkey for me! The cooking kept me busy and my kids and mom showed up. 

This year, on Christmas Eve, my typical family day that we celebrate....I am feeding the homeless with my daughter and friend. This will distract me and have me thankful for every pitiful moment that I have!!!


----------



## Feelingalone

Thanks CW. I hope you enjoyed your T-day. The weather here was overcast for Thanksgiving and a little rainy. Had a pretty good football game -- the rain stayed away during that time. It was just nice to be with friends. Then dinner with my parents. 

It was overcast a lot the last few days and that is how I felt I guess. A little sad without my son. He was dropped off Saturday night. He and I just sat together - he on my lap - and watched a movie for a little bit. He was exhausted -- he and I went to bed just after nine and he slept until a little after 8 am. We played a little, had breakfast and then instead of church we helped a couple of our friends pack up a moving van. My lil guy even helped carry boxes. 

After loading them up he and I went to play soccer. He played with us this week and he and I had fun. He also played with the kids. Then went over to another friends for dinner before dropping him off at his mother's house.

It was a quick visit. But I get him all weekend this weekend and his cousins will be in town this weekend as well. We'll have a good time I'm sure. 

I just wish my sadness would go away. My guilt for him. I'm working on it -- I know it just takes time. Like you said CW, poor me moments I guess. 

Oh well.


----------



## Feelingalone

Looking forward to this weekend. Get my lil guy for both nights and his cousins are coming tonight to visit for the weekend. Probably take them all to Home Depot's first Saturday of the month kid's workshop tomorrow, then to a puppet show at the local library, then who knows what tomorrow night.

Tonight probably take them to a town close by known during this time of year as Christmas town USA. It is an old textile mill town where the mill is the electric utility -- so everyone gets free electricity and therefore puts incredible amounts of lights on their homes. Also the mill puts out about a half million lights on the trees int he town and in the pond there are colored water fountains, etc. Really is a beautiful sight. You just drive through or park and walk around in the little historic downtown area. Been taking my son there since his first X-mas season when he was barely two months old. 

Just wish the weather was going to be like two weeks ago. Going to be a bit chilly here. Not cold, but chilly. 

I'm keeping up on my work outs. Might play the winter season of soccer. I've been asked to be on my old team and another one as well. But dang it is getting cold at night and the games are all 8 pm and later. 

Can't wait to pick up my son and see my niece (6) and nephew (3). We'll have a ball I'm sure -- no matter what we end up doing.


----------



## Feelingalone

It was a great weekend with my son, SIL, niece (6) and nephew (3). They got here a little earlier than expected Friday night. The three of them played and played together. Then up and out to Home Depot -- they made picture frames. Then on to a little arcade, then playing during the afternoon and a drive through Christmas Town USA at night.

Sunday morning they played, then said our goodbyes and my son and I went to play soccer. A little chilly out there but we had on our tobogan hats. But I'm second thinking my outdoor league -- its one thing when it is chilly/cold out and sunny - another thing when it is 8:30 at night and cold. Got to decide today on that -- first game is scheduled for tomorrow night.

So all in all a great weekend with my extended family.


----------



## Feelingalone

Boy am I going to be bundled up tonight for my soccer game. Predicted temp at game time is 22 degrees. Maybe I am an idiot, of course I'll be joined by other idiots.


----------



## notreadytoquit

We have a barbecue in Canada at 22F


----------



## Feelingalone

I know that is like summer for you notreadytoquit. I was born and raised in northern US, but I've been down south now long enough for my blood to thin I guess. 

Heck I remember downhill skiing when I was a teenager at night in below zero. What the heck was I thinking.

Well we lost tonight -- ref made a bad call and we played down a person the entire game and lost by 1 goal. Oh well had fun. Before the game went to a Futsal Factory and played indoor 5 v 5 with a size 3 ball. Fast and fun. It is an event for Street Soccer USA a soccer program for the homeless here in Charlotte. Helps get on their feet, particpating in organized activities, setting goalas through the Urban Ministry here in Charlotte. Really has turned some people around.

I think I'll participate more in the program.


----------



## RandomDude

Reading through this, it doesn't seem like a bad life at all.


----------



## Feelingalone

No RandomDude it isn't that bad, just not what I was figuring on a couple years ago. Especially at this time of year I do feel blessed for what I do have -- a great son who loves me, family who love me, and good friends. 

I had a great Christmas with my son. Family were in at my parents and we enjoyed our time together. He left with his mom Christmas day late afternoon. They got stuck again this year in the snow storm at almost the same place as last year. He is in WV for the week with the ex w. 

RandomDude that is the hard part - I miss him.


----------



## RandomDude

Yeah, I miss my daughter too at the moment and it's only been 2 days... she's the only reason I ended up financially successful, I never worked 84 hrs a week in my life to secure my own future, but having a kid changed that. No better motivation.

I've dreaded the possibility of divorce, but thanks for sharing your story. It's really inspiring, and is helping me overcome this fear if the worst comes to worst.


----------



## Feelingalone

The end of the year rapidly approaches. What I've been through the last year and a half has at times stretched me to my limits. Yet here I stand. 

I still have sad times -- moments that sometimes pass like a quick summer breeze and others that pass like gale force winds. Yet here I stand.

I feel pains of guilt at times - mostly for my son but at times for my issues in my marriage. Yet here I stand.

I feel loss at times of what could have been. Yet here I stand.

I've joined soccer leagues, a new church, worked out for a solid year now 4 - 7 times a week, looked inside myself, improved myself (still room to grow there LOL). I'm moving forward -- here I stand.

Here's to what 2011 will bring cause I know at the end I still will be standing.


----------



## Feelingalone

Been a while since I last posted. I keep moving forward to the future. I met my ex w's fiance or whatever he is. It was a two Fridays ago. My son swims on a winter swim team and it is in full swing. That Friday night was the first team "pasta party" before their first swim meet the next day.

So he was there that evening. I didn't know it until my son was cleaning up after swimming to get ready for dinner and he didn't have all of his stuff. I said where is it, he said (sheepishly) that is was by Chuck. So I went to where that was and Chuck was listening to music and reading a magazine. I grabbed my son's bag and he looked up -- I looked him the eyes, held out my hand and said I'm #$%# and just turned and walked away.

He won't come near me. He didn't even have the balls to come into where we were eating dinner with our kids even though my ex w was there. And he pretty much made himself scarce when I was around during the swim meet the next day. 

Some "upgrade". Me, I could give a rats a$% anymore. 

It was angering to see him play with my son at times during the meet. But at least my son seems to like him and vice versa. However, if that man ever lays a hand in an inappropriate manner on my son, I will deal with him.

All in all I'm doing well. I still get moments of sadness in my heart. I'm just rebuilding my life now.


----------



## notreadytoquit

You handled that very well heck better than I would have. Keep up the good work on yourself. We have a long road ahead.


----------



## Feelingalone

It is what it is NRTQ. I can't change the past, only the present and the future. I almost feel sorry for the guy -- he is doomed to fail with her as well as her first husband and me unless she looks within herself.

Right now she is in her euphoric phase of the new -- but the rubber will start meeting the road. Her issues not mine anymore.


----------



## Feelingalone

Had a gut punch moment last night. Found out my ex w is getting married next weekend.

Although not unexpected since she was engaged, it did hit me and hit me hard. I found out through my son. I just asked him if he was happy about it. He said I'm happy for mom. I said but are you happy? He said he wasn't happy he wouldn't see me next weekend. Avoiding the issue there. I just reminded him that I will get him an extra day on a weekend in the future. And I was honest with him that I wasn't happy about it, but that it was his mother's decision.

I admit it was difficult while with him not to show emotion. But I held it together and we enjoyed a nice evening. Later it hit me hard. I guess in my heart I still held out some hope for something.

I was at least hoping that she would realize that she believes in her mind that she is an independent person and should be, but that in reality she is dependent which creates an inner turmoil. One that eventually destroys her relationships. I wish she would actually try to become the independant person she thinks she is, instead of blaming others for her own dependent nature. I was hoping she would do these things for our son.

But the cycle begins anew with her. A relatively quick dating period, move in and then get married. The timing is eerily similar to our own.

All I know is that history tends to repeat itself without reflection on the past and then change. I don't believe she has done any of this.


----------



## notreadytoquit

Stay stong FA, I can only imagine how you have felt when you found out this info. Somebody in the future will be blessed to have you as a husband and as for you ex all you can do now is watch her go another cycle. But this time around consider yourself lucky that you won't be there when her world crushes again. Your son is very lucky to have you as a father.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Damn, this thread has gone full circle, hasn't it? Better her than you though. I think she's making a big mistake. But you are doing what's best for your child and yourself and in the end that's what counts.


----------



## Feelingalone

Freak,

As I said for someone who "can't be dependent on a man" or believes she is this truly independent person, she really can't be alone. Consider she cheated with one guy, then another, and when that ended, she almost immediately met this guy Chuck. Hardly any gaps in time. 

I hate to admit it but that is what happened with us -- although I didn't know it at the time. 

So I agree with you that she is most likely making a big mistake. Jumping right back in. But who knows maybe it will work out. My only concern is on what my son feels, what her actions have done and will do to him. 

As I said me, I'm just rebuilding my life. I'm in no rush to jump into another relationship. If it happens, I will deal with it, but unlike her I can be happy without that. Especially now, cause I have my son.

I've been through a lot the last two years, and I'm still standing.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy?

I take my hat off to you for being so strong and for caring about what means most (your son).


----------



## Feelingalone

Thank you Why Not Be Happy. My son is the most important thing to me. He didn't ask for this, but has to live it all the same. I worry about him -- what is percolating in his head. What are his feelings. As was pointed out in a parenting class I took -- we adults go through the five stages of loss, but so do the kids. I'm not sure where he is in his process.

So I had an interesting discussion last evening after dropping my son off after dinner. I drop him off at the local YWCA where my ex w works. She works part time in their finance group in the mornings and teaches fitness classes a few times a week in the evening.

Anyway, I had a discussion with the lady whom was working at the frong desk. I've known her for a while, long before my marital issues and divorce. She always asks how I'm doing. Usually I just say I'm ok and keep it light. Last night she was a little interested. She was like how are you doing with all of this? I said, you mean my ex's wedding. She said yes and what a mistake my ex was making. I said well you know she cheated on me. Nod of the head. The first guy works there. I said you know about that? It came out some I guess. She called the guy a lying dog. And the second guy a psycho and the soon to be third husband a country rube. We talked a little about this. I started to say that her marriage wouldn't last more than, and heck she beat me to the punch of 2 years. I found that humorous that she said it first. To end the conversation she said my ex made a huge mistake with me and is making a bigger one this weekend. And that I was better than any one of those guys and my ex just has "issues". That she was amazed how I took the "high road" in all of this. I told her the biggest concern to me was the effect all of this has on my son. To which she just said she understood that concern. She has known my son since he was just 3 years old. She adores him.

Made me feel good to hear a third party observer with whom I've never discussed even a crumb with say that about the situation I've been through.

Tonight a play off soccer game. Unfortunately we will be playing at least one person down. Doubt we will win like that, but we'll try. We tied two teams playing a man down the entire game this season.

For those of you going through any stages of this, I do suggest exercise as many do. I've managed to keep working out 4 - 7 times a week for a year now. It is to the point where when I don't work out I feel bad. I'm contemplating switching up work outs and doing the P90X program for the next 3 months. Bought a cheap brand new copy through craigslist. Just need to change up routines I think.

This weekend will be hard for me I'm sure. I won't get to see my boy and knowing my ex is getting married sure as heck doesn't help. Maybe it will last for her, but no one I know thinkgs so.


----------



## notreadytoquit

Hey we are all here to support you. I am sure at least I will need this type of support at some point too. And go and win that soccer game tonight? I have never heard an American talk so much about soccer in all these years that I am living on this continent.

As for your son, I would just ask him how he feels about that man in his life. See what he says but don't push it too much.


----------



## Feelingalone

NRTQ,

Well I guess I talk about it since I play a couple times a week. It is one of my activities that I enjoy. Especially our Sunday games since it is a group of people who I've come to know over the last few years and now are good friends. The type of people that are there for you.

As to our game Tuesday night. We actually had enough players to get a good substitution going and crushed the other team 9 - 3. Next Tuesday night a possible double header. If we win the first game, we play the next game for the league championship.

I appreciate your support NRTQ. All we can do is move forward.


----------



## Feelingalone

Tomorrow my ex gets married. Five months after the divorce and already getting married. Hard to believe someone wouldn't stop and think, man maybe I shouldn't be just jumping back in so quickly. Maybe I need to be independent for a while. I'm not sure she has ever lived by herself for more than a few months in her life.

It must scare her is all I can figure out. So reflexively gets into another relationship, or in this case three (3). I was talking to a friend of mine about this and in some ways I pity the guy she is marrying. He has no idea about this part of her. I'm sure I've been portrayed as some evil person by her to him -- needed to cover her own faults. She has already made him move from WV to NC. He caved to her. Comments he has made to others makes it seem he is "worried" she will stay with him. In pictures I've seen of them he looks only half happy and half worried. 

An amazing basis on which to build a strong relationship. LOL.

My thoughts on this really revolve around my son. She has already introduced two others who have gone away, and now a third. Of course the first guy is still around -- another hit to her new relationship. What must my be thinking? What affects will a revolving door have on him? I worry about that. I think I need to read more about that topic. 

It is going to be a glorious weekend here weather wise, 75 today, 68 tomorrow and 60 something Sunday. I think I'll spend some time outside, enjoying "winter".

Maybe I'll start the P90X program. I received the package yesterday and started reviewing the info. Have to get a few items to do it.


----------



## notreadytoquit

As as I said before next time you have your son just ask him casually how he feels about all this and you will see what response he will give you. He is old enough to give you some sort of feedback. 

As for you like you said before, she is not your problem anymore. She has already established a pattern that everyone can see. And you have us here on this forum to support you, even though we are far and don't know you personally. 

And do get out and enjoy those 75F degrees today. I am jelous it's only 10C here(amazing for winter canadian standards)


----------



## Feelingalone

Thanks again NRTQ. You know me some. In many ways people on here get to people better than their friends because of the freedom to express yourself without worrying about anything. 

I will enjoy the warm days.  Hug that boy of yours.


----------



## Affaircare

You know why I like writing to you, FA? Because to most/many of the other posters, I have to offer some advice or teach them a new tool or technique...and with you I can just write like one poster to another. 

You remember that lady you spoke with at the YMCA? The one to whom you never mentioned a thing about what was going on and yet she knew (or figured out) a lot of it on her own? THAT is why I always encourage, help, and support people in taking "the high road" because at the time it feels like "HEY! My STBX is muddying my name and telling lies about me...I have to defend my integrity!" and yet if you do, you're just joining in the drama. On the other hand, if you just keep doing the right thing, keep taking that "high road" and keep learning and growing and doing better...what happens is that people notice and can put two and two together. They can see which one is going around blaming their spouse and being a loud-mouth and doing "less than wise", harmful things...and which one is taking personal responsibility, going to counseling, just being quiet and doing a good job, and putting the kids first. They can see which one has BF after BF after BF and which one stays in one solid, committed relationship or stays single purposely. 

The trouble is that *at the moment* when your integrity is being challenged, it feels like if you don't stand up for yourself that people will believe the lies. It is SO MUCH more effective to show them, by your actions, that quite a lot of what you are being blamed for is exactly what they see "the ex" doing...and quite a lot of what you do is just keep quiet and do the right thing. That speaks VOLUMES!!!! And now, all this time later you can see what I mean and why I do it. 

*****

Sooooooooo...this weekend your ex is getting married. You know, and I know, and most of the folks who know her even as an acquaintance know that if marital vows really MEANT something to her, she would not be on her third marriage. Now I do realize that something people "have divorce happen to them" meaning that they behaved in a fully upright way and their spouse was a loser and cheated or something. I get that (nod), but that's not the case here. This is not a vow that she will dedicate herself to keeping or intends to keep--this is about the party. She wants the fancy dress...the jewelry..and the reception. Then, in a little while or after some amount of time, she'll be unfaithful, blame him, break his heart and have a party with some other person--or maybe skip the "vow" and just have the party! 

Nonetheless I know for you it's a weird feeling. My own ex married last year, and it was weird because I just could not shake the thought of feeling sorry for his 3rd wife (huh--maybe it's a #3 thing...). Anyway, how can she feel any "security"? If marriage vows meant ANYTHING to him, he would have stuck with wife #1 or wife #2!! Now, that I know of he's addresses a few/some of his issues...and I hope for her sake one of them is his abusive side! In real life though, I feel sorry for her. She got a ring--big deal. Does the promise behind that ring mean anything? (shrug) Plus, I know he didn't really "want" to get married--she sort of pressured him into it. 

Well what can I say? Nada. I wish them well and hope they have learned enough about themselves and marriage in general to be happier and healthier than we were. I'm grateful my kids are both with me so their world isn't destabilized. And that's about all you can do! 

Why don't you come here and let us know how your day is tomorrow. We'll be thinking of you, ya know.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Feelingalone said:


> .
> 
> It is going to be a glorious weekend here weather wise, 75 today, 68 tomorrow and 60 something Sunday. I think I'll spend some time outside, enjoying "winter".
> 
> .


I hate you.  well, enjoy...! 

Sucks living in the Northeast.


----------



## Feelingalone

Thank you AC for your words, insight and wisdom. I don't know if I've done well or not through all of this, that isn't for me to judge or determine. I know I've grown and continue to try to grow.

You've given me plenty of insight and new techniques and things to think about over time. I still stumble on some of it, but as the saying goes "try, try again".

Like I said I just worry about my son. He is a genuinely sweet boy. I wonder where he gets that from? Hmmmmm... LOL. But I realize that all I can do is lead by example.

I won't lie, today my thoughts will drift to what is transpiring in WV today. At the same time, I'm better prepared to deal with it than I was before. 

To Freak: Don't be hater....LOL Just move...... and did I mention taxes are lower too!!!


----------



## Affaircare

All we need is love.  :rofl:


----------



## Corpuswife

You will always be the stabilizing force for H. No matter what his mother does in her relationships, he will evenually come to his own conclusions about his parents. Don't we all? 

During this process, your focus has been on H. He will feel and see it for the rest of his life! What a wonderful father you are....

You know her issues. No changing or arranging her personality/character traits. Those have always been her choosing. I'd imagine you may see much more "arranging" throughout her life.

The great news, is that you and I have wonderful opportunities to move forward in our lives. We know what we don't want out of a relationship. We know what we do want as well. 

This weekend was another nail in the coffin. It's another way to put closure on this relationship.


----------



## Feelingalone

Thanks CW.

That's what I worry about, more "arranging" in her life. Yes it was another nail in the coffin. 

Oh well, I'm still standing.


----------



## Affaircare

You know, a ceremony to officially "bury" this may be just the thing. 

Don't get me wrong, I can tell you're done and have been for a while, and it's not like it had a chance even with emergency defibrillator and CPR. But as a way of marking "the nail in the coffin" maybe a personal ceremony to observe the closing of this chapter would be appropriate. 

It's just a thought!


----------



## Feelingalone

Great night last night with my boy. Went to a friends house had a cookout. Then tonight played two soccer games and won the Championship. Dang I'm tired, but it feels good. We lost last season in sudden death overtime in the Championship game, so this was sweet. WOOT.


----------



## LVS

Feelingalone, you have done great effort to move on with your life and you did wonderful things to you and to the most important person in your life, your son.

But as i felt from your words that you were still holding on a hope to get back together. ( you don't believe it was going to happen but somehow you didn't want to let go)

This wedding knocked down your last hope. It is hard but it is also what you need to free yourself and the push that you need to move on emotionally as you already moved on physically and mentally.

As for exercising, did you like the p90x? I personally tried it for a while i loved so much the YogaX and the abs exercising But i don't have all the equipment for the other exercises so i stopped it and did the Hip Hop abs workout it was fun doing it and it helped me get over the depression then i started the insanity workout wow the insanity is really hard but i like it. I think as a soccer player you may like the insanity more

Crongrats! for the championship


----------



## Feelingalone

LVS,

Thank you for the kind words. I believe you are right, in my mind I was done, physically I was done, but some where in my heart I held out something I guess.

And you are right, as is AC and CW that her wedding is a release from that emotionally. 

My thoughts turn more and more to the future of me and my son. What places will we explore together? What knowledge can I give him? He is and always will be my strength.

So far I've enjoyed the P90X routine. I just wish I knew before the yoga how many downward facing dogs you had to do, and that warrior pose 3 -- lets just say I was tumbling a lot during that portion.

I've heard that Insanity is well insane. Maybe I'll do that after I finish with P90X.


----------



## notreadytoquit

Are you having your son with you this weekend? How is he going after the circus last weekend? Were you able to probe his feelings on all this?


----------



## Feelingalone

I had him last night. I didn't ask about anything. I just wanted to let it go for now. I just spent tiime with him.


----------



## LVS

Good to let sometimes go until you sort all your emotions out before you talk to your son and ask him anything... This is a wise decision.

You are using a great strategy to deal with your situation hope i can find the push to move on with my life. I know my story is not about affair but about abuse but it seems that the process to move on with our lives is always the same. We all go through the same emotions.

About exercising, still the yoga X my favorite lol

As you said the insanity is really insane but we can all do it on our pace  though i feel exhausted each time after doing it. What i loved more in it is the stretching after each set


----------



## sisters359

Congrats on the big win! Soccer is awesome for working out stress! And what a great time with your son, too; glad to hear it!


----------



## Feelingalone

Thanks Sisters and LVS. Yes sometimes the less said the better. Well lil guy isn't feeling good today. Home sick with a fever. Days like today I really miss the "family". I feel some how detached as his father at times like this since I don't get to hold him when he is sick. Everything else I can move on from, but this is what pangs my heart. I feel like a bad father.

Any thoughts?


----------



## notreadytoquit

Can you offer to take care of him when he is sick? Not sure what your work schedule looks like but maybe you can incorporate somehow taking care of him?


----------



## Feelingalone

It's been a while since I last posted or even came on TAM. I think I needed a break. 

Things are going pretty well for me. I still have moments of sadness in my life, but they are further and further apart. Sometimes its a song on the radio as I drive that brings back an image of the past, a good time before the end. Things like that.

My schedule seems so full anymore. Work has been very busy. I'm still playing soccer and hanging out with friends. I'm trying to do more of that. And there is a certain woman I've started to hang out with some. She is a recent divorcee as well and does have a child. So going slow and just doing group things where both my son and hers play together. Her son joined my son's winter swim team this year, so they knew each other before we started hanging out.

It is kind of weird since she knows my ex through that as well. Turns out this woman and I should have graduated high school together. Life is full of surprises.

But I am very cautious. I've still got to enjoy being just me and the father of my son. He is doing well. Being just an 8 year old boy and having fun. He isn't playing baseball this spring, which I really miss coaching. 

Oh well. That is my update. Just moving forward.


----------



## notreadytoquit

Glad to hear things are going well for you FA


----------



## Niceguy13

Thanks for your story. I am just starting my divorce, well not me but well you know. Lots of things went wrong on both sides but it boils down to I was always giving and she quit giving. You know as the name suggests classic nice guy syndrome. Your story gives me hope for the future. I am fighting for my kids if I have to though she said she won't fight me for them. I will never deny them their mother but I always wonder if we don't reconcile what about that new guy will they call him dad? Your story gives me hope that I will still be able to create that bond with my children that no matter what happens it will be that other guy they may call him dad butin their hearts they will know he is nothing more then a step-father and Dad was that guy who gave it his everything, who loved them and continued on for them during what has been the hardest part of his life thus far.


----------



## Niceguy13

Wellnews update on my end for the single father thread. Future ex decided it wasmoreimportant to hang out with the girls this weekend instead of spending time with her kids that she won't see for 18 months or so. Not taking it hard though (well I am for my kids as I just can't understand this) I don't really care what she is doing and who with.

Its a nice day out and the cherry blossoms are blooming so gonna go take my kids out to look at them maybe let them run around the park for a bit while I just relax. Gotta keepmoving forward one day at a time and remeber I may have lost 1/3 of the love of my life but I stillhave 2/3 and like has been said 2 out of three aint bad.


----------



## Corpuswife

FA....you are awesome!!! 

Niceguy....I loved the "2 out of 3 aint bad." 

I really have loved the TAM crew. Extremely supportive and helpful!!


----------



## Feelingalone

Thanks NRTQ and Niceguy. Niceguy, its just my story, a kind of journal of my journey. I'm glad it has helped you see that life will go on and you can be better for it. Just keep your kids at the forefront of your life. You can't control your ex, and more importantly you can't allow her actions control you. In the end it is her loss for "ignoring" the kids... they will remember.

CW....... no you are awesome. You've been there for me since almost the beginning. I can't begin to thank you enough. You've helped me so much. And I hope you know I'm always here for you.

Peace.


----------



## Niceguy13

Unfortunatley are oldest is 6 and the other is 4. The 4 yr old wife has been more emotionaly around then the 6yr old. Then again my boy is all me so that probaly doesn't help his case and it feels like she punishes him for what I irk her about. I don't want to talk bad about ehr in the years to come but I also don't want to lie to them. I am dreading the future conversations even the ones that their little 6 and 4 year old minds bring to me are heartshattering. Not because of how I feel torwards her but their masked pain and grief. 

My girl just goes Daddy, why don't you and mommy just be married again. I know you try to make mommy happy so mommy should just be happy. And I am just stuck there mouth hanging open not knowing what to say while my little darling girl breaks my heart. My boy luckily he isn't acting out or anything but even with her still living with us for the time being everytime I get in the car with them and without her its Are we going to go see mommy, I want to tell mommy I love her, This weekend is a good example she is about to not see them for a year plus and she goes out all weekend. Truth is that isn'tshowing much love for your kids when we went to the cherry blossom festival I was stuck with that question all I could answer was Mommy is gone right now buddy its just the three of us, then tried to divert the subject (unsuccesfuly because like me he doesn't give up till satisfied with an answer) So I just ended up having to enforce quiet time in the car. I felt really bad for it because I know he is hurting but I don't want to "poison" him against her by telling him the truth.....sigh guess today is a bad day for me.


----------



## sisters359

NG13, it might help if you follow up your "non-answer answer" (when you say, "Son, I just can't answer that because I don't really know the answer") with a question about how he is feeling, "So are you sad about Mommy not being here?" The more chances you give him to talk about his feelings in a non-threatening way (b/c you opened the door for him), the better. Be sure to ask him, too, if he is mad at YOU for "letting her go," and tell him it is ok to be mad. My kids *really* seemed to value the times that I said things like, "well, I am partly responsible for this too and even though I didn't do everything wrong, I did some things wrong, and that is part of the reason Daddy isn't here, so it is ok to be mad at me, too, for making mistakes. I hope you can forgive me someday and in the meantime, you can say when you are mad." My kids actually learned to tell me when they were mad about the situation sometimes. They are older than yours, but lots of open dialogue at an age appropriate level will be so helpful to their recovery. 

You probably realize this, but it is much better for your kids to get angry with their mom when they are older rather than to feel abandoned by her now, so do everything in your power to insist their mom do enough to stay in contact. Deployments are hard on kids and in this situation, it could be harder. Skype as often as possible, even though YOU don't want to see her. Your kids will thank you for that, eventually.


----------



## Niceguy13

Haha got somewhat no problem with that but the W has thrown the proverbial bathwater out with the baby. She emotionaly abndoned them just like she did with me. They have been even more hungry for het attention and affection then I have been. I will take the advice though and try to have a conversation with the boy the next time it comes up. Might help him.


----------



## Feelingalone

Well it has been a while since I last posted. Things are going pretty well, except for an unfortunate accident while playing soccer.

I've been laid up with a broken leg the last couple of weeks. Compound fracture of the tib and fib in my right leg. Pretty bad is what they told me. I guess I'll set off the metal detectors now, they put in a rod and screws. 

According to my friends and team mates it was the "grossest" thing they've ever seen. For those of you who remember the replay I got was that it was like when LT hit Joe Theisman and ended Joe's career. Yup my foot was just a dangling. And I was told the noise sounded like an oak tree branch breaking.

But I'm doing good. The funny thing is that this experience has shown how many truly good friends I do have in my life. People coming to see me, offerring their assistance, etc. In that respect I am a wealthy man. 

And it could have been a lot worse, it could have been my knee or my ankle, there could have been nerve or arterial damage, but there wasn't. 

The only bad thing about the experience, was my son was at the field when it happened. He didn't see it happen but saw his dad being carted away in an ambulance. My good friend made sure he didn't see the wound or anything and took care of him. But the experience really shook him up. He was really worried about me even a couple days after it happened. I had to sit him down and tell him that I was fine and that it wasn't his job to worry about me, but my job to worry about him. THat seemed to do the trick.

All things considered, I'm doing well.


----------



## JustAGirl

Feelingalone said:


> Well it has been a while since I last posted. Things are going pretty well, except for an unfortunate accident while playing soccer.
> 
> I've been laid up with a broken leg the last couple of weeks. Compound fracture of the tib and fib in my right leg. Pretty bad is what they told me. I guess I'll set off the metal detectors now, they put in a rod and screws.
> 
> According to my friends and team mates it was the "grossest" thing they've ever seen. For those of you who remember the replay I got was that it was like when LT hit Joe Theisman and ended Joe's career. Yup my foot was just a dangling. And I was told the noise sounded like an oak tree branch breaking.
> 
> But I'm doing good. The funny thing is that this experience has shown how many truly good friends I do have in my life. People coming to see me, offerring their assistance, etc. In that respect I am a wealthy man.
> 
> And it could have been a lot worse, it could have been my knee or my ankle, there could have been nerve or arterial damage, but there wasn't.
> 
> The only bad thing about the experience, was my son was at the field when it happened. He didn't see it happen but saw his dad being carted away in an ambulance. My good friend made sure he didn't see the wound or anything and took care of him. But the experience really shook him up. He was really worried about me even a couple days after it happened. I had to sit him down and tell him that I was fine and that it wasn't his job to worry about me, but my job to worry about him. THat seemed to do the trick.
> 
> All things considered, I'm doing well.


I'm so sorry to hear you're hurt! I've been there and you are so right, you find out just who your friends really are and it changes how you see life and people!

I wish you a speedy recovery and I'm saying a little prayer for you!

M


----------



## Affaircare

Ouch sorry to hear about your leg, and hope it mends well. Meanwhile, to amuse you: 

What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? 
*Hoblin Goblin*! 


How does a frog feel with a broken leg? 
*Unhoppy!*


----------



## helplessandconfused

Sorry to hear you are hurt. Good luck with everything. Couldn't help but notice you mentioned seeing the city of Charlotte at a distance...Reminds me of home. Mind me asking if you are referring to NC? Just curious.


----------



## Feelingalone

Thanks M and AC. The leg is mending well. I got the remaining stitches out of my leg this past wednesday - the ones for the wound. I'm told it kind of looks like a smile the way the stitches were done there. Starting to walk, with the crutches and I even drove a little in the neighborhood yesterday. 

To helplessandconfused, yes Charlotte, NC; where I live.


----------



## Feelingalone

Been a while since I last posted. I'm almost totally healed up with the leg. Walking, etc but it still is healing. And I do have a smile on my leg now. 

Had a wonderful week at the beach (even with the leg) with my son and niece. Always love the beach. 

I just miss working out and playing soccer. Doc said it will be a while before I can even think about running. But he said I could start exercising again. So this week it begins. 

Been hot as hell here in NC the last few weeks. I'm just moving forward. Hope all on here are well, you too AC and TP.


----------



## Feelingalone

Checking in on people here at TAM. Things do get better for those on here still in despair. But you got to let go. Although I'd never wish on someone what I went through, the experiences and self-evaluation I've gone through have made me a much better person. I'm happy with who I am, I've got my NUTS (for those who know what they are), I'm walking tall (sometimes with a little limp - bone is still healing) and embrace things more fully.

I have great friends and an incredible son. To BigBadWolf and Atholk, thanks for showing me the light. I am definitely on the path and then some, I'm natural at it now. 

To Affaircare and Tanelornpete, thank you for all your guidance.

To Corpuswife, a true friend. I know you don't come on here anymore or like me just once in a while, but you were always there for me. I hope I returned the favor now and again. 

I'm on quite an adventure now, BigBadWolf you'd smile if I told ya about it......


----------



## notreadytoquit

glad you are doing well


----------



## Corpuswife

FA....I do come on TAM! I just don't know what to say anymore. We've come along way huh? Still think of you often. You've been a good friend in troubled times. THATS what a true friend is.....

I'm glad you are mending (in more ways than one). 

S


----------



## Feelingalone

To all on TAM, have a Merry Christmas, especially to those still in pain. Keep on moving.


----------



## Feelingalone

Been a while since I've posted. I've been on an amazing journey, exploring something new as part of my growth.

I was seeing someone for last four or five months and it was getting pretty darn serious. And then in the blink of an eye it was gone this past Tuesday. She has a habit of running when she is at her happiest and boy was she happy the week before. 

I was the one always saying one step at a time. Fortunately I followed the advice of books, etc. and she had never met my son. 

But unlike when I went through the end with my ex-wife, this time things went different. I had a feeling something was off and she was about to run, so I was ready.

She came in, couldn't look me in the eyes. Then she came up and hugged me but buried her face in my chest and just held me and wouldn't look at me. I said look at me. She wouldn't. Again, look at me. Again she wouldn't. The third time she did and I saw her sad eyes. Me, I say "So your running". Her "yes, i always do this". Me "ok". Grabbed a bag and started putting the things she had left at my house, not much but still some, walked her out. She said some things. I just put the bag in her car and as she turned around, smacked her on the ass and said "have a good life".
Turned around and went back in the house.

So different than my last time through it. She did text me today. I did respond but just with indifference. I always told her if she ran I wouldn't chase her. She said everyone tells me that. I told her I was different and now she knows.

Am I sad? Yes. Do I miss her? Yes. Will she come back some time? Most likely, but it doesn't matter since my life goes on. I will continue to explore an area she opened my eyes to and see what happens.

To all the people who helped me along the way, thank you again. I've learned and grown. The results speak for themselves.


----------



## nice777guy

Feelingalone said:


> Been a while since I've posted. I've been on an amazing journey, exploring something new as part of my growth.
> 
> I was seeing someone for last four or five months and it was getting pretty darn serious. And then in the blink of an eye it was gone this past Tuesday. She has a habit of running when she is at her happiest and boy was she happy the week before.
> 
> I was the one always saying one step at a time. Fortunately I followed the advice of books, etc. and she had never met my son.
> 
> But unlike when I went through the end with my ex-wife, this time things went different. I had a feeling something was off and she was about to run, so I was ready.
> 
> She came in, couldn't look me in the eyes. Then she came up and hugged me but buried her face in my chest and just held me and wouldn't look at me. I said look at me. She wouldn't. Again, look at me. Again she wouldn't. The third time she did and I saw her sad eyes. Me, I say "So your running". Her "yes, i always do this". Me "ok". Grabbed a bag and started putting the things she had left at my house, not much but still some, walked her out. She said some things. I just put the bag in her car and as she turned around, smacked her on the ass and said "have a good life".
> Turned around and went back in the house.
> 
> So different than my last time through it. She did text me today. I did respond but just with indifference. I always told her if she ran I wouldn't chase her. She said everyone tells me that. I told her I was different and now she knows.
> 
> Am I sad? Yes. Do I miss her? Yes. Will she come back some time? Most likely, but it doesn't matter since my life goes on. I will continue to explore an area she opened my eyes to and see what happens.
> 
> To all the people who helped me along the way, thank you again. I've learned and grown. The results speak for themselves.


Sorry for your loss - but cool to see how different things can be! Thanks for sharing...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Corpuswife

You are going to be alright FA and you know it! You don't need another "runner" when things get tough;happy;sad;complicated;etc.

This is why it's dating and not marriage! Trusting your instincts is powerful!! 

Just know that you are awesome!


----------



## Feelingalone

Thanks Nice. Yes, I did handle things differently. I'm not going to sit here and say I don't hurt at times, and think about her, but I'm also not wallowing. 

CW, as always you are my friend. And you are right, I don't need another runner in my life.


Just hard sometimes to believe this person was talking just a week earlier about how lucky we were to have an incredible relationship fall into our laps by chance and wanting to build it. But she doesn't feel she deserves it, lots of issues I won't go into here. 

But life is full of surprises. I just randomly bumped into this woman and it was great for a while. Who knows what is next for me.


----------



## Feelingalone

Well for those that know me on here, I got great news Wednesday. My Ortopaedist deemed my leg fully healed about 12 months ahead of schedule. His chief resident couldn't believe it, said my bone cortex looked thicker and better than most people's prior to a break.

It was a little humorous with the head doc came in and said, you can do anything you want now, even go back to playing soccer. Then he looked at and waited. I said, I confess doc I've been playing for a while. He just looked at me and said, "Did it hurt?". I said a little, but gets better each time. 

So, no more doctor's appointments for me. Back to exercising. Started last night, hit the gym hard. Feels good. Hopefully P90x in the future.

At times I still miss the young lady I was dating, but life keeps on moving. I am surprised I haven't heard from her, but then she hasn't heard from me. I just pray for her health. She had a lot of issues which could lead her down a dangerous path. 

Peace.


----------



## notreadytoquit

that's great news


----------



## Corpuswife

The fact that your health is back on track is wonderful! Mending physically and emotionally. There are plenty o fish in the ocean! Each relationship is an learning experience....


----------



## Traggy

I just started my p90x a few days ago.. BE READY lol


----------



## Feelingalone

@Notreadytoquit - Thanks and hope you are well.

@CW -- yes health and emotionaly healing is important. I did hear from the young lady a couple of days ago. I found it humorous. I did not, and have not responded.

@Traggy -- I know all about the P90X. I was just getting ready to start week 10 when my leg was broken. The end was so near and after all that work, it was snatched away by someone tripping. Oh well. As soon as I think I can do the plyometrics I will be at it again. I will be doing the Abripper as part of "warming up" while getting back in shape to do the full P90X program. This isn't Abripper 100, or Abripper 200, or Abripper 300, this is abripper 349. LOL. Tony can be funny.


----------



## Traggy

Feelingalone said:


> @Notreadytoquit - Thanks and hope you are well.
> 
> @CW -- yes health and emotionaly healing is important. I did hear from the young lady a couple of days ago. I found it humorous. I did not, and have not responded.
> 
> @Traggy -- I know all about the P90X. I was just getting ready to start week 10 when my leg was broken. The end was so near and after all that work, it was snatched away by someone tripping. Oh well. As soon as I think I can do the plyometrics I will be at it again. I will be doing the Abripper as part of "warming up" while getting back in shape to do the full P90X program. This isn't Abripper 100, or Abripper 200, or Abripper 300, this is abripper 349. LOL. Tony can be funny.


Plyometrics sucks lol


----------



## Feelingalone

@Traggy, call me odd but I enjoyed plyo. It hurts but to me better than the Yoga and doing hundreds of downward facing dogs.


----------

