# Question About Hysterical Bonding



## Nevermoreagain (Feb 12, 2017)

I had never heard this term until i came here. Can someone explain what it is and how it affects a couple where Infidelity has happened?


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Nevermoreagain said:


> I had never heard this term until i came here. Can someone explain what it is and how it affects a couple where Infidelity has happened?


For me, this is what it looked like 

I wanted to have sex with my husband ALL THE TIME. 
I wanted to be next to him all the time.
I wanted to talk about how good our relationship could be, all the time.

Basically it is what it says. Crazy bonding. Crazy bc something terrible just happened, yet you feel this urge to be super close.

Once it wears off, it's like hell. I became very depressed. 
I have re read through my original post a couple of times, and I feel like it's easy to see my stages of grief through it. Denial. Bargaining with hysterical bonding. Now the depression and anger has set in.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nevermoreagain said:


> I had never heard this term until i came here. Can someone explain what it is and how it affects a couple where Infidelity has happened?


It's a subconscious attempt by one or both partners in a couple -- typically as a result of one of them perpetrating (and the other experiencing) infidelity -- to re-bond as quickly as possible through lots of intense sex.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

It's a carnal urge to reestablish territory. If you actually value trust and integrity, however, it is fleeting.


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## moth-into-flame (Oct 28, 2016)

Me exww and I had spectacular HB sex every single day of our 10 week false reconciliation. Like total pron star sex - incredibly intense, intimate, nasty, playful, hot, wonderful multiorgasmic sex. Once I got that out of my system, I left her and filed for divorce. It's wonderful while you're having it, but all it is is a mask...a distraction from the real issue. It's not enough to fix what the wayward spouse irreparably broke.

It is a strange phenomenon though.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OnTheRocks said:


> *It's a carnal urge to reestablish territory.* If you actually value trust and integrity, however, it is fleeting.


Exactly. Especially for a male.

HB can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on the timing. In my case it was the later. I dived head long into it much too quickly; when I should have been taking my time to process the betrayal.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I experienced this as well. Still divorced her. **** that ****.


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## frustratedman (Mar 5, 2013)

My ex and I experienced this upon my initial discovery of her EA (probable PA). A good point was made. It's depressing when it ends. It's definitely unsustainable.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If a man I was with cheated, the last thing I would want is to have sex with him. I wonder if its different for men and women?


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> If a man I was with cheated, the last thing I would want is to have sex with him. I wonder if its different for men and women?


No, gender doesn't dictate if one chooses to do the hysterical bonding with their WS. It differs from _person_ to _person_. Most do it. Others want to get as far away from the WS as possible.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> If a man I was with cheated, the last thing I would want is to have sex with him. I wonder if its different for men and women?


Until you've been betrayed in this way by someone you love deeply, dont say what you would or wouldn't do. You don't know. I assure you if someone told me I'd react in the way I did to my cheating wife, before it happened, I'd have laughed in their face.
Wait until you've invested 18 years of your life, had three kids with the person, and planned your entire life with them---- then you're told one day it's all over-- with no warning.
Then tell me how you'd react.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

EunuchMonk said:


> No, gender doesn't dictate if one chooses to do the hysterical bonding with their WS. It differs from _person_ to _person_. Most do it. Others want to get as far away from the WS as possible.


I am not sure I could ever have sex with them again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Until you've been betrayed in this way by someone you love deeply, dont say what you would or wouldn't do. You don't know. I assure you if someone told me I'd react in the way I did to my cheating wife, before it happened, I'd have laughed in their face.
> Wait until you've invested 18 years of your life, had three kids with the person, and planned your entire life with them---- then you're told one day it's all over-- with no warning.
> Then tell me how you'd react.


My first marriage ended very suddenly after 23 years, and my husbands first wife cheated after 23 years so I do know.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I did it... Felt like I wanted or needed to have sex with my cheating wife a lot right after I found out. Its just some BS in your head trying to fix whats wrong. Only.....you cant fix it. Nothing can ever fix it. That's just stage one for years of hurt you are about to go through.

I am disgusted with myself when I think about it 6+ years later. I was completely out of my mind and not thinking clearly. I should have never touched her again, and kicked her out of the house the night I found out. 

But the feelings were very real to me at the time. And I understand why others would think the same way and do the same things.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

it-guy said:


> Its just some BS in your head trying to fix whats wrong.


It's a PURELY caveman evolutionary response to being suddenly made aware that their is foreign semen in your mate's vagina.

Due to procreational instincts, we will feel an insatiable need to have frequent sex to impregnate before the other semen does.

We all like to believe that we are so evolved as a species but virtually all people are still subconsciously slaves to these urges. 

We may not "think" like this anymore mentally but your body very much still responds to this instinctual caveman behavior.


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## JayOwen (Oct 26, 2016)

I think it could be best described as:

1) Find out your relationship has been utterly destroyed
2) Find solace in trying to put some of the best pieces of it back together (pun intended) 
3) Repeat over and over because even if everything is a mess at least the spike in endorphins and bonding numbs the pain

But it's definitely a short term reaction, it fades (in my case, after about 6 weeks)


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## moth-into-flame (Oct 28, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> It's a PURELY caveman evolutionary response to being suddenly made aware that their is foreign semen in your mate's vagina.


Man, I haven't felt affected or angry for a while now (4 years since we split), but that really triggered me. Utterly disgusting.


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## moth-into-flame (Oct 28, 2016)

I think for the BS (and perhaps the WS as well) it's a bit of a panic response. When you've both decided (at least at that time) to try and save your marriage...it's a bit of a freak out. It was part and parcel to the whole "meeting each other's needs" thing. You're attempting to reconcile, and you both realize how close it came to ending, you both want to save it, and part of that is madly attempting to bond and reestablish that closeness and passion. For me it was less about regaining dominance or getting my manhood back, and more about that. Rebuilding the fire, then throwing gasoline on the fire to not only make sure it doesn't go out, but that it rages on. It started out as this intense fire (when you first get together), then the flame gets smaller, then one day, it's snuffed out. 

So once you decide to (falsely in my case) reconcile, you build that fire back up and then try everything you can to turn it into a raging inferno - it's a rather panicked, desperate attempt, imo.

Then, if you're lucky (as a BS), you realize that it's a lie, and you get out the extinguisher and douse that nasty chemical fire...then wait years for the toxic smoke to dissipate.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

BetrayedDad said:


> It's a PURELY caveman evolutionary response to being suddenly made aware that their is foreign semen in your mate's vagina.
> 
> Due to procreational instincts, we will feel an insatiable need to have frequent sex to impregnate before the other semen does.
> 
> ...


I agree with this


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> It's a PURELY caveman evolutionary response to being suddenly made aware that their is foreign semen in your mate's vagina.
> 
> Due to procreational instincts, we will feel an insatiable need to have frequent sex to impregnate before the other semen does.
> 
> ...


Which is why women dont usually act the same way.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Which is why women dont usually act the same way.


She seemed to be into it. But hindsight tells me she had a hole in her soul that she was trying to fill with ...... 

And she will continue to try to fill that hole for the rest of her life. Thats why she tried to get me to cheat with her years later and I ignored her. Because I am not like her. Dont take this the wrong way. I am directing this at my ex and only my ex.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

This is also known as sperm competition when a wife has had sex with another man. It has been noted that men will thrust deeper, faster and harder. Their sperm count is higher and the shape of the head of their penis works well to scoop out the other man's sperm. They are basically replacing the other man's sperm with theirs.

For women it was reclaiming their man and exposing them to the effects of Oxytocin, the hormone that emotionally bonds the couple together. 

My wife and I had an ethical non-monogamous marriage for all but 6 years of our 44 year marriage. So we both got to experience the intense sex after one of us has been with another person. In our case there was no cheating or jealousy involved.

Why My Husband & I Sometimes Have Sex With Other People - mindbodygreen


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

it-guy said:


> She seemed to be into it. But hindsight tells me she had a hole in her soul that she was trying to fill with ......
> 
> And she will continue to try to fill that hole for the rest of her life. Thats why she tried to get me to cheat with her years later and I ignored her. Because I am not like her. Dont take this the wrong way. I am directing this at my ex and only my ex.


Yes but isnt she the one who cheated? I was meaning that women who are cheated on wouldn't want to have sex with the cheater. Not sure I ever could again to be honest.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Yes but isnt she the one who cheated? I was meaning that women who are cheated on wouldn't want to have sex with the cheater. Not sure I ever could again to be honest.


It happens to women too. My husband cheated, we’ve been hysterically bonding for over a year. First wave started after I revealed I cheated over a year ago. We had sex THAT NIGHT. Initiated by him. Hot and heavy for weeks afterwards. Dwindled a bit, but not much. Decided to R, frequency stayed through the roof. Decided to split up again, frequency was still crazy often for most couples, down to 3-4 times a week. I found out he cheated in December. Intensity and frequency went up again and it’s still there. 5-7 times a week. I initiate more than I ever have. I can’t say what his reasoning is, but mine has definitely been an effort to keep him happy, and claim what’s “mine” as well. My drive is higher than it’s ever been. Not the reaction I expected at all. I haven’t reacted in any way that I thought I would actually. I can say that while the frequency and intensity is still way up there, there WAS a long period where it was very much just sex. No kissing, no emotions, just porn star lovin. We’re now finally getting back to being a lot more concerned with each other and not just primal need.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> If a man I was with cheated, the last thing I would want is to have sex with him. I wonder if its different for men and women?


Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Why would you want more sex from someone who betrayed you?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Why would you want more sex from someone who betrayed you?


It's been described on this thread several times.

It's a primal, pathological urge for a man to "re-claim his territory". And as I can attest, it's very real.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

badmemory said:


> It's been described on this thread several times.
> 
> It's a primal, pathological urge for a man to "re-claim his territory". And as I can attest, it's very real.


The only territory I'd want to re-claim is my shoe that got stuck in her ass as I kicked out the door.


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## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

Hey everyone, just signed up and logged in for the first time. I have never heard of hysterical bonding before till about an hour ago. very interesting Phenomenon. lots of great responses. lots of up, down, good, bad, even though overall after scouring all these threads it seems over all it's a mask, and once cheating has happened it's largely over.

You all abbreviate all kinds of this that I have no idea what they stand for, so if you are able to reply either write it out or also tell what they mean so I can fully understand these responses. thanks!

My situation, a little different and I am still trying to figure out what it is I am feeling. 4.5 yrs into a relationship and 3 days ago I got it out of her that she has cheated the last month. I sent her off to a coding bootcamp in San Francisco for 10 weeks and in that time working 14 hrs days of intense schooling she started getting close to a guy and . . . it happened. for a few weeks. and she lied about it till I finally fully confronted her. I was a 1,000 miles away and I could feel it.

long story short, she sobbed her brains out to the nth degree, overwhelmingly chooses me, overwhelming knows what she did was wrong, begging for a chance, etc etc I am sure we have all heard similar stories.

and of course I feel completely disrespected, betrayed, made a sucker, I am so angry. for the first time ever I screamed at her and let it all out. all that toxic hate and anger and pain. and she allowed me the space to do it, even though it destroyed her to the core as well. she knows what pain this caused me, and her whole family. even her mother and grandmother called me crying they were so upset at this and that "I am the perfect guy for her" rhetoric.

She immediately cut it off, and swore on her grandfathers grave that she would do anything to put the pieces back together.

But when I found out the first night (via skype she is STILL in SF for 2 more weeks) afterwards I cried so violently hard I had reached my pinnacle of pain (I had been crying off and on for a month because I KNEW something was wrong) that when I woke up the next morning I have become numb. Like I don't feel. she cried for an hour to me and I didn't shed a tear. this is day 02 now and I am not feeling anything. Am I in shock? or does this mean it's over?

I told her I can't and won't forgive her. yet, or if I ever can. I don't know if I can ever touch her again. I don't know if I can ever fully love her again. I don't know if this is resolvable. But she wants to try. all I could say is that it will be a long road of healing and recovery for both of us. . . .and 6 months down the road we may see that it is totally not fixable. and that she had to start massively proving her devotion to me, and by the time she comes home and we talk, only then can I determine if I will even let her back and attempt to start putting the pieces back together.

the Hysterical bonding thing is crazy. she is not home yet and won't be for 2 weeks. but right now the mere thought of penetrating anything on her makes me sick to my stomach. Will that change when she gets home?

BUT, I DO still have feelings for her. I DO still love her. She (up until this point) has been 1000x better than any woman ever has to me. And I am not some poor schlep either necessarily. I am a decent looking guy, great shape, decent equipped head on my shoulders, great career, another words it wouldn't be terribly difficult to get back out there and start over again. but we have had a solid relationship. A very loving one. we are still ridiculously compatible.

so what do i do? and I holding on because of all the different examples people have said and it's just a defense mechanism? or is something there? I have a keen sense of intuition, hence how I immediately knew all was not well. with this, my intuition is telling me to not throw this away. yet.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Really????

I thought it was that new type of epoxy they are selling at Home Depot?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Lawrence79 said:


> Hey everyone, just signed up and logged in for the first time. I have never heard of hysterical bonding before till about an hour ago. very interesting Phenomenon. lots of great responses. lots of up, down, good, bad, even though overall after scouring all these threads it seems over all it's a mask, and once cheating has happened it's largely over.
> 
> You all abbreviate all kinds of this that I have no idea what they stand for, so if you are able to reply either write it out or also tell what they mean so I can fully understand these responses. thanks!
> 
> ...


She threw it all away though didn't she?

You don't have much time invested here. she goes on one trip and throws everything away?

What happens when she goes on another trip? This early in a relationship it shouldn't have crossed her mind.

Better start thinking with your head because your heart will betray you in these instances.

You're going on and on about how great she is but this was a conscious decision on her part it didn't just happen. Obviously she isn't on the same page as you were.

This is a part of who she is. You just can't believe or want to believe it.

If the other guy is married you should inform his wife


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Lawrence79 said:


> the Hysterical bonding thing is crazy. she is not home yet and won't be for 2 weeks. but right now the mere thought of penetrating anything on her makes me sick to my stomach. Will that change when she gets home?


You don't need to worry about hysterical bonding right now. Either you'll have the urge or not. You may never. Just know that if it does happen; you'd be well advised to resist the temptation until you've made the decision to R.


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