# Facebook is the hump thats breaking our camel back



## whiteflag (May 22, 2010)

Long story short - My husband and I have had a turbulent 2 yr marriage. We live in seperate homes, he's cheated on me, had a meddlesome mother in law that passed away 2 mos ago from cancer. Have a 2yr old son togher. (Very condensed version, but the gist)

As of late, things have been going WONDERFULLY (i thought), but as mentioned before, my husband cheated on me and though I have tried to forgive and move on, I recently found out that he is FB friends with the woman he cheated on me with. Needless to say, I hit the roof! We were once fb friends, but found that was causing trouble so we decided to try to trust one another and de friended each other.

I had been doing just that TRUSTING him but now this and the killer part is when I ask him to friend me again he says NO and refuses to de friend the ###### he was sleeping with.

It seems silly that FB could be the nail in the coffin, but it just resurfaced underlying issues that were already there....

What say you??? Regarding the cheating, the woman being his fb friend, Trust and how do you feel about spouses being fb friends? Good idea/bad idea?

Help! I'm seriously thinking about going to see a lawyer and proceeding with divorce.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Why wouldn't you be Facebook friends if you were married? I know married couples that share the same account even.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

That he friended her and won't friend you back now is a huge red flag (as you clearly know). Why do you live in separate homes?


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

My guess is she was spectacle about some of his comments and friends on facebook. He of course told her to trust him and that he was very innocent and she was twisting things. So in order for her not to "cause problems by twisting things" she no longer gets to see the interactions.

An of course he offended by her finding out about the 'squeeze' being his facebook friend.

Am I hot or cold?


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## whiteflag (May 22, 2010)

We live in seperate homes because he is a city worker and required to live in the city. I had my place in the burbs when we got together. (Reason 1)

His mom (whom has passed now) was a force to be reckon with (I could use other terms, but will not as she is no longer with us) was living with him and two women could not run one house and needless to say, he was always on her side (Reason 2)

Due to the above leading to a separation (Reason 3).


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Have you gone to counseling with him? Set down "I will not remain married to you if you continue to do this" terms?


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## whiteflag (May 22, 2010)

We have not gone to counseling. He's the how's a couselor going to tell me how to fix my relationship type. I have told him that if this is not resolved soon, I'm gone and he says things like - i'm trying to MAKE him conform to my wishes, If I leave over facebook then I never loved him, oh this is is silly, etc.

Not realizing (or should I say acknowledging) that it's not so much about FB but about infidelity, lack of trustworthiness, disrespect, insensitivity etc.


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## whiteflag (May 22, 2010)

oh yea and I'm just insecure - well, hello, who would'nt have insecurities surrounding a relationship that I KNOW (not speculate) took place outside our marriage. I just feel like - How dare you ask me to accept this and TRUST you again - with the same woman you've already fooled around with????????


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Let him know you are not trying to make HIM conform to your wishes. Let him be aware that is simply you not desiring to remain victim to his disloyal behavior. You are simply making him aware that the consequences of his infidelity, lack of trustworthiness, disrespect, insensitivity etc. will result in the final termination of the marriage.

Do what you can not to point fingers as such, handle it like you would a business deal with as little emotion as possible. Make it a two sided street (and realize to a large degree it often is) as you let him know what needs to change for you to feel he is working at the marriage ask him for things as well. This doesn't mean he can ask that you let him sleep around - of course things that go outside of the boundaries of marriage (assuming the two of you haven't mutually agreed to it) are not on the table.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

whiteflag said:


> oh yea and I'm just insecure - well, hello, who would'nt have insecurities surrounding a relationship that I KNOW (not speculate) took place outside our marriage. I just feel like - How dare you ask me to accept this and TRUST you again - with the same woman you've already fooled around with????????


This is typical behavior, those involved in affairs it seems ALWAYS try to turn it on the partner for not TRUSTING them.

Read some other stuff on here. Find some of tanelornpete's threads. He and his wife managed to survive an affair and are vary gracious and understanding about BOTH sides of the story.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Whiteflag, this is absolutely a red flag. 

If you and your spouse agree to have separate fb accounts, then you should absolutely be fb friends. Otherwise, you should have a joint account. The only reason he would not want you as an fb friend that I can think of is that he does not want you to see what he is doing. While some people like some privacy from their spouses, the fact that he will not let you see and the ex-mistress is his fb friend only suggests what your gut is already telling you. He is not done fooling around. Please, don't be blind.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Oh, by the way. The ex-mistress should not be one of his fb friends.


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## whiteflag (May 22, 2010)

I will take this advice, thanks!


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## whiteflag (May 22, 2010)

I've decided to proceed with divorce......


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