# Anyone else getting out after 30+ years of marriage



## Uselessmale

Been married 32 years and it hasn't been all bad, 2 kids in twenties both almost out of college. but we have been distant and moving in opposite directions for many years. I have done some things over the years that she has resented and brings up when she gets angry at me, never infidelity, I've always been faithful, as I believe she has. I was brought up not to argue, my father was abusive, and she goes off on me when she gets angry. Her parents don't love or even like each other but have stayed together bc of financial situation, they are very poor. She treats me and speaks to me like they do. Early in December I didn't back down and in a controlled voice, told her how she treats me. Long story short she has started being much nicer and kinder to me. She was gone for two weeks during the holidays for work and to be with our kids. I was working and only spent a couple of days with them. I have noticed that when she is gone I don't drink, and my stomach is not messed up. Spending two days with her I drank a lot and my stomach was messed up for a week. I am just tired of walking on eggshells, although things have gotten better in that area. We haven't had sex in over 3 years at this point, her choice. Am I just losing my mind wanting out or do I need to just stick with it. I'm ready to take a chance on happiness elsewhere. I feel like I'm in a trench and can occasionally see out and watch people living happily, then I just slide back down. Any thoughts?


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## Married but Happy

I left after 24 years, but it was exactly 31 years when the divorce was official. There comes a point - for some marriages - where the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. If you can't shift the balance back the other way, it's time to leave. It sounds like leaving would be the healthier, happier course for you.


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## Betrayedone

Notice when you were firm with her that she was nicer? That is the path that you should continue to take. You need to tell her in direct terms that you need to be treated with respect and you will not tolerate her being rude to you. The no sex in 3 years has to change also. You need to get what you want out of this marriage or you are going to walk. What do you have to lose? Do not compromise your needs.


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## minimalME

Your wife sounds somewhat like me.

I was married for 20 years, and spent most of that time angry - so much so that my chest hurt on a regular basis. 

My ex-husband was very passive - the most passive person I've ever known. He was either unwilling or incapable of having opinions and making choices. In the end, I had no respect for him. 

Once we were separated and divorced, he began having more of a voice. This increased my pride in him, and I was happy that he was speaking up (just for his own sake), but we had gone so long in a dysfunctional way, that it in no way increased my attaction.

It would irresponsible of me to tell anyone on the internet to divorce. I don't know you - you're a complete stranger.

Are you willing to continue speaking out? Are you willing to set boundaries around what behavior from her you're willing to accept? And how you'll respond if she acts in a way that you know is problematic?

I can think of two couples right off the top of my head who've stayed together in bad situations. One has a verbally abusive husband, and one has a husband who was addicted to painkillers. I'm in awe of them both. The commitment they've shown is beyond me.

I think there are a lot of tools you can learn and use so that you protect yourself and improve your situation, if that's what you want.


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## sokillme

Uselessmale said:


> Been married 32 years and it hasn't been all bad, 2 kids in twenties both almost out of college. but we have been distant and moving in opposite directions for many years. I have done some things over the years that she has resented and brings up when she gets angry at me, never infidelity, I've always been faithful, as I believe she has. I was brought up not to argue, my father was abusive, and she goes off on me when she gets angry. Her parents don't love or even like each other but have stayed together bc of financial situation, they are very poor. She treats me and speaks to me like they do. Early in December I didn't back down and in a controlled voice, told her how she treats me. Long story short she has started being much nicer and kinder to me. She was gone for two weeks during the holidays for work and to be with our kids. I was working and only spent a couple of days with them. I have noticed that when she is gone I don't drink, and my stomach is not messed up. Spending two days with her I drank a lot and my stomach was messed up for a week. I am just tired of walking on eggshells, although things have gotten better in that area. We haven't had sex in over 3 years at this point, her choice. Am I just losing my mind wanting out or do I need to just stick with it. I'm ready to take a chance on happiness elsewhere. I feel like I'm in a trench and can occasionally see out and watch people living happily, then I just slide back down. Any thoughts?


If you want to bounce then bounce, it's your life. Does she know this? However whatever happens part of your problem is your fear of confrontation. You CAN argue in a marriage in fact sometimes you should. It's the yelling and verbal abuse that is wrong. It is perfectly acceptable to argue though even get heated. The key is to argue to solve a problem not win. You NEED to fix this about yourself. Part of the reason she abused you is that you didn't stop her. You don't have to yell at her to stop her as well. You can just leave. Leave the room, detach, tell her in normal calm voice, "until you apologize for talking to me that way I am not going to continue the discussion." 

You need to fix this my friend or you are going to be in the same boat with someone else. We tell people how to treat us. You need to deal with the damage your parents' marriage did to you, and you need to be able to be assertive and stick up for yourself in a healthy way. Also consider that you may have married your father. That's how these things work, we are attracted to what we know. Yes it could happen again which is another reason to get some IC. 

Does your wife know?

One more thing women don't like passive men, it makes them feel insecure. One of the things that attracts them to us is strength, there is a real genetic reason for this. That may also be part of the problem. Like @minimalME said, no wife wants to have to act as her husbands parent. Not sure if that is the dynamic in your marriage or your wife is just a bully, but if you are this passive in all area's of your life you were not doing her or you any favors. She probably wants you to stick up to her, she may even not know she is doing it but **** tests are a real thing.


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## chillymorn69

Sometime one spouce is so strong in their opinion that the other quits giving their opinion because its useless.

Some people just have this desire to get their way no matter what.

Eventually they just grow apart and either barely tolerate eachother or because of children or financial reasons codependent. 

Sometime the passive one just realizes they had enough. And would rather live in a cardboard box than spend another minute with their spouce.

Sounds like you had enough.

Good luck my you fine peace and happiness. Pretty sure you will.


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## BioFury

Uselessmale said:


> Been married 32 years and it hasn't been all bad, 2 kids in twenties both almost out of college. but we have been distant and moving in opposite directions for many years. I have done some things over the years that she has resented and brings up when she gets angry at me, never infidelity, I've always been faithful, as I believe she has. I was brought up not to argue, my father was abusive, and she goes off on me when she gets angry. Her parents don't love or even like each other but have stayed together bc of financial situation, they are very poor. She treats me and speaks to me like they do. Early in December I didn't back down and in a controlled voice, told her how she treats me. Long story short she has started being much nicer and kinder to me. She was gone for two weeks during the holidays for work and to be with our kids. I was working and only spent a couple of days with them. I have noticed that when she is gone I don't drink, and my stomach is not messed up. Spending two days with her I drank a lot and my stomach was messed up for a week. I am just tired of walking on eggshells, although things have gotten better in that area. We haven't had sex in over 3 years at this point, her choice. Am I just losing my mind wanting out or do I need to just stick with it. I'm ready to take a chance on happiness elsewhere. I feel like I'm in a trench and can occasionally see out and watch people living happily, then I just slide back down. Any thoughts?


You need to fix your current marriage, not find a new one. It sounds like both you and your wife have issues, and rather than work together to grow beyond them, have chosen to quarrel and feed off each other's flaws.

I would start by purchasing and reading the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". They can help you create a better atmosphere in your marriage. After taking their wisdom to heart, I would sit your wife down and telling her that you're unhappy with your marriage. Share a summary of what you learned from the aforementioned books, and ask her if she wants to help you improve your lives together.

That said, your post is pretty vague. It gives no clear indication of what the problem is, other than that you're unhappy, and so is she. More specific details would be helpful in solving the problem.


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## Diana7

I would suggest that you communicate how unhappy you are and book to see a marriage counsellor together. Don't throw away 30 years when things can get better with effort.


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## Polaris433

After 27 years I have finally had enough.
I can trace my desire to get out of my marriage to at least 2002, yes 15 years ago.
I can also trace my unhappiness farther back for another 5 years or so.

Perhaps my perspective would help.
Over those 27 years, I have sucked up to my wife like a puppy hoping to get that piece of bacon she's holding. 
And she knew just how to tease me in order to keep me hanging on.
If I complained about lack of sex, she may be a little more willing once or twice, then revert back to nothing.
If I did stand up for myself and said I don't like to be treated like her lackey, she'd be a little nicer, then revert back.

I spent 27 years trying to figure it all out, and the end result is that she simply doesn't like me. 
Oh, she loves me, I have no doubt of that - but she doesn't like me.

She has very definite criteria about things, especially husbands and marriage, and I don't fit those criteria, so I'm a failure and thus do not deserve her respect.

For example, we amassed a small fortune worth several million dollars through investing, real estate and owning businesses - together that is. She claims that it was mostly because of her efforts and her proof is that I didn't have a job during that period. Well, no, I didn't have a "job" because I was busy investing, buying, selling and managing our real estate holdings, and starting, running and selling businesses.

You see what I'm saying, she would find anything at all to minimize my efforts and put me down in order to prove I wasn't worthy of her.

Why did I let this happen? Let's get back to the puppy and the bacon.
If you deny the puppy the bacon, he'll wander off and do something else. But if take it out again, he'll see it for the first time, and think you'll give it to him.

So every time she lightened up on me and made me feel wanted, I thought - "great, maybe things are coming around."
They she'd snap back and I would go away and mope.
Repeat.

I discovered that I was a hopelessly optimistic romantic. 

Two months ago we started canvassing lawyers just ahead of a prepaid vacation.
Then we decided, why not see if we can tolerate each other and go on vacation since it's paid for, so we did and we had a reasonably good time.
But I wasn't fooled.

I was ready for the inevitable crash, and it came a couple of days ago. We haven't spoken since then.
She's moved into the guest room. Not a big deal because I slept in the guest room for 4 years and she never asked me why. She was probably relieved.
Needless to say, there hasn't been any sex in at least 4 years.

So part of the problem is me. I've been wanting to confront her for 2 days and get the ball rolling for a separation, but I don't have the guts. I've faced down guns, knives and bats, but I can't do this.

So to all the writers above, don't waste your time. If your partner won't tell you the truth, demand it, and if you don't like the answer, leave.

Otherwise, one day you'll wake up and say "****" and you'll be the bitter old man/women who sits in the corner at family gatherings and the children have to be forced to greet you because they're afraid of you.


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## cma62

I would do everything possible to try to salvage your marriage as long as there is no abuse...verbal, emotional or physical.

No sex in 3 years...I feel for you....many would have walked way before now. That will be an issue in itself that will need to be addressed post haste.

Read the books that others have suggested. MC for both of you if you are both willing. It only works if both parties are committed to owning their parts that have created dysfunction in the marriage and working together to make changes.

In the meantime keep your life busy. Do things that you like to do. Go to the gym, eat healthy and get good sleep...ditch the alcohol...it’s a depressant. Continue being assertive and stand your ground. Putting yourself in your spouses shoes can go a long way to understand why things may have deteriorated over the years.

Woman tend to lose respect for their spouses when they are passive and can’t make a decision and allow themselves to be walked over.

If nothing changes, nothing changes...so you both will have to compromise and do some heavy lifting in order to have a healthy marriage in the future.

If you have exhausted a myriad of channels to get your marriage back on track and still things don’t feel right...ask yourself this question “ do I want to spend the next 30 years living like this”...if your answer is no....you can move forward knowing you tried everything you could to rectify an unhappy marriage.

You only have one life....even though 30 years invested in a marriage is a long time...don’t settle if you are not happy.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

Make it clear what it is you need in marriage to her. If she says no, file. It took me looking my wife in the eye and telling her "You will talk to MC about what happened to you or I will file."

I would suggest setting up a meeting with MC and wife, discussing what your needs are, and setting a timeline of measure able goals. If she says no, there is your answer,. You can file @ that point.


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## sokillme

I would not do whatever just because it's 30 years. I would give her the choice. In my mind marriage at all cost is a prison. If you are continually being verbally abused I can understand wanting to find batter.


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## Uselessmale

I am a well educated professional, as is she but she treats me worse than her employees. The anger acerbic speech to me , the screaming at me the calling me names. I'm tired..


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## Uselessmale

When I stand up she usually gets in my face literally. I've read all the chapman books, the parrots books, been to marriage conferences. She is so out of touch with me she doesn't have any idea that I feel this way. I have joked in the past that on her 1-10 list i'm number 21, I think I really am.


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## Thor

Verbal abuse is abuse. From what little you've posted I am not optimistic you can save your marriage.

However I am very pro-marriage and pro-family. If it can be turned into a good marriage for both of you, it is a good outcome. All that history and the family you have with your kids is worth making an effort. The negatives of divorce are real, especially financially.

But, this is a short term attempt to on your part to get to a good marriage! I am not advocating anything open ended or vaguely defined. At your age time is ever more precious.

MC is good if you can find a good therapist. The 3rd party might be a valuable asset in helping your W see how her behavior is unacceptable and abnormal.

For you I recommend several books.
- Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. You'll note in the first chapter she says abuse should result in leaving immediately.
- No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. R. Glover. I think you might find it helpful.
- When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Smith. It is a lot more than the title suggests. There are good verbal tools to use with difficult people.

There are a ton of good marriage books. If she is genuinely willing to work hard on the marriage then the books might help. But you cannot do this by yourself! You can't fix it for her.
- 5 Love Languages
- Getting the Love You Need
- the workbook that goes with Getting the Love You Need
- His Needs, Her Needs

And many other books.

I think your first step is to come up with a private deadline. Probably 3 months, maybe the end of the semester considering your college students. Approach your W about the marriage and ask her to work with you. Within that deadline you need to see her making consistently good effort on the marriage. If she isn't all-in by that point, she isn't ever going to be. At her age it is going to be difficult for her to even want to change. I would not waste much time trying to create a good marriage.

I'm in my late 50's, divorced about a year ago, married 30+ years.


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## username77

Dude she sounds like an abusive nightmare, get out while you have some life left.

Her ability to scream at you, belittle you, control you at will, gives her feelings of being in control in her life. When things feel crazy in her head, you're her whipping post, her constant. I bet like most abusers she feels bad when she does this, promises it won't happen again, but it always does. she's always set off by some innocuous thing.

It's no way to live man.


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## cma62

sokillme said:


> I would not do whatever just because it's 30 years. I would give her the choice. In my mind marriage at all cost is a prison. If you are continually being verbally abused I can understand wanting to find batter.


I would agree with this...especially if there is verbal abuse....nobody deserves that.
Verbal abuse is insidious...hard to come back from..BTDT....
My apologies OP...maybe I didn’t read that from your first post.
As @sokillme said ...being verbally abused and wanting better is your choice...maybe you’ve had enough


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## Marc878

After this length of time nothing is going to change.

You'll either suck it up and take it or move on.

Talking about it will get you nothing.


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## giddiot

I am, nothing will change. Costs a lot but what’s money, given my current new illness I don’t have long anyway.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Uselessmale

thanks you are in my zip code as far as this situation is concerned


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## sokillme

Uselessmale said:


> thanks you are in my zip code as far as this situation is concerned


Dude just looking at the name you choose to cal yourself on here shows that you have some self esteem issues. That's what happens after 30 years of someone abusing you. Seriously the name makes me angry for you though. You need to get some help counseling for sure.


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## Uselessmale

Verbal abuse, extreme anger towards me and I’m afraid the real physical hitting is not to far behind.


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## Thor

Seek out social services in your area for abused spouses. I think you need help from real people in your location to help you escape this abuse.


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## Marc878

Uselessmale said:


> Verbal abuse, extreme anger towards me and I’m afraid the real physical hitting is not to far behind.


You're getting abuse because you allow it.

You can't stand up for yourself there's more coming your way.

No ones going to fix this for you.


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## cc48kel

I would look for a good therapist to talk with and to help you figure this out. Sometimes they can help you see something that you haven't noticed before.. Just a different perspective. I'm seeing one myself and some things that I"ve shared is actually abuse, the yelling and wants to control every aspect. Never thought of it like that.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Uselessmale said:


> Verbal abuse, extreme anger towards me and I’m afraid the real physical hitting is not to far behind.


Record it next time. The yelling and name calling. Then later when she is more calm sit her down and play it back to her. Tell her in no uncertain terms that this abuse ends now. That you are seriously considering divorce because you have not been intimate for 3 years and on top of that she yells and calls you names. Ask her why should you stay married to a person who treats you in a awful way ? 

Ask her point blank why should you stay married to someone who essentially hates you ? Tell her either we fix the sex problem or we go our separate ways. Tell her not duty sex. Real sex like sex like she actually loves you, Tell her if she does not love you anymore then it is pointless to be together and that you two should go your separate ways.


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## wilson

Polaris433 said:


> After 27 years I have finally had enough.
> I can trace my desire to get out of my marriage to at least 2002, yes 15 years ago.
> I can also trace my unhappiness farther back for another 5 years or so.


I was wondering what happened in '97 and 2002. But can you start a new thread? It sounds like you have an interesting story and I wouldn't want to derail this thread.


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## wilson

Uselessmale said:


> Verbal abuse, extreme anger towards me and I’m afraid the real physical hitting is not to far behind.


Let's be honest--there's no fixing this relationship. Sure, you can patch it up a bit so it's not so dysfunctional, but I don't see how you can really be happy. The problem is her attitude towards you. You can't really change that. You can stand up to her so she backs down (or not, maybe she likes confrontation), but she'll be the same person inside.

I'm also concerned about your mental state. Likely you have dealing with this so long that you've taken a major hit to your self confidence. Just look at your username! Contact a moderator to get that changed immediately! While I can understand why you might feel useless because of her constant belittling, do not accept it as fact. You should be thinking of yourself as usefulmale. You may need to get yourself out of this relationship just so you can start getting right in the head again.


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