# Xmas gifts when there's bad blood with in-laws



## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

My in-laws and I have no contact due to a lot of bad blood on between us, which I can say is mostly caused by them handing things very, very poorly. I'm not totally innocent (rarely is anyone) but just trust me, they've been nasty to me and my child.

They have said they do not care about me, only their son. Ok, fair enough. But yet they bought me and my daughter Christmas gifts. Hubby says it's a "peace offering." Hmm...

Hubby has said he can't talk to his mom about me, cannot mention me, nothing.

The gifts, to me, feel like manipulation. Keeps them looking like "the better people" because "Look, we bought gifts and we don't even LIKE them!"

Hubby says I'm being paranoid (also that I am wrong to tell him that was a hurtful thing to say to me). 

I'm not buying them gifts from me/my daughter. I told hubby he can put both our names on whatever he's bought if he wants, but I have no desire to spend time and money on people who have been very nasty to me. 

Does it sound like I'm being paranoid? It's the "I can't speak about you to my mother" thing that makes me think this is kind of manipulative. If I'm a banned topic of discussion, why would they ever want to spend time and money on me and my daughter?


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

No help just my story to show you are not alone.

My brother and I have always had a strained relationship although it has been getting better most by me bending over backwards to stay in his life. Well he got married to a new gal that has a 9 near old daughter. I thought his new wife and I were ok, two months ago I got her a 50 gift cards and rebuilt her laptop as a birthday gift for her daughter.

Well I have been giving my nieces $200 each for xmas for the last few years So I sent it to the new wife so she could get her daughter whatever she needed. It was returned to me with a note that she does not want me buying her daughter anything. I am sick, bewildered and hurt. 

I’m still going xmas day but am dreading it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I'm kind of a fan of civility when possible. In this case, you love your husband and his parents love him too so civility means they should be respectful to you and you to them if possible. Sometimes there's too much water under the bridge for a relationship to be repaired but that doesn't mean everyone has to mean-mug each.

I can tell you don't want to play nice or be fake and that's fine. To me civility isn't really fake though. Look at how many divorced parents who are civil to each other purely out of respect that the other person is their child's parent. It doesn't mean they're pretending to actually like them. Anyway I know some of your story from your other thread so I know there is a lake of water under the bridge.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I really feel for the posters who have difficult relationships with their inlaws, as I do. It's what brought me to TAM in the first place - my name frusdil is short for frustrated daughter in law, lol.

My inlaws don't like me, they never have. They hated hubby's first wife too, she copped it a lot worse than I. I was told to kill them with kindness, they just don't know you yet but when they do they'll love you, just be your lovely self and time will do the rest blah blah blah.

I did all of that, MIL continued to be difficult by:

-Questioning hubby (then bf) about my finances and my family's finances, neither of which are any of their business

-Trying to talk hubby (then bf) out of me moving in with him, and getting his sister on board to "talk to him" as well

-Throwing a tantrum, in public, last Christmas when we said we were spending Christmas with my family (we'd spent the previous christmas with them) including saying rude and insulting things about my darling mum

I could go on and on, but I'll stop there.

Despite all this I continued to try, by:

-Inviting them over for meals to our home, ignoring and smiling through the obvious disdain they have for me and the way I run our (happy) home

-Ensuring that they knew about their granddaughters school plays/swimming carnival/sports day, that was all me, not their son

-Hosting SIL's birthday here, and again smiling through MIL's snarky comments

-Smiling and being welcoming when they turned up to our wedding (after having a very casual attitude to it during our engagement) wearing what you'd wear to a Sunday picnic

The final straw came on hubby's birthday this year, when I was treated as invisible by my FIL, to the point where other guests noticed and commented later to me about it. I was in tears and said to hubby that I was done trying. No more effort from me. 

So, can I ask a question? Why do people, who know their spouse has a difficult/complicated/bad relationship with their parents (their spouses in laws), through no fault of their own, ask them to endure events like Christmas in their company? It's excruciating for me to be in my inlaws company. I can't stand it. I said to hubby that I understand that they are his parents, and he loves them and wants to see them and that's fine but it won't be with me. I also made it clear that on occasions like birthdays and Christmas I expect him home here with me and our daughter (my SD) for meals. Luckily he agreed.

I'm so glad he's not one of those mummy boys who seem to be so rampant here on TAM who won't stand up to their mothers on their wives behalf.

Ok, I'm rambling I'll shut up now, lol.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

You can always sign your card with - Best wishes


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

frusdil said:


> So, can I ask a question? Why do people, who know their spouse has a difficult/complicated/bad relationship with their parents (their spouses in laws), through no fault of their own, ask them to endure events like Christmas in their company?


My mother is..... difficult. She has been rude regarding my wife, as well as being quite demanding of my time and attention by constantly placing herself in dire situation which she expected me to rescue her from. She would do things like

-Call right when my wife would be getting home.
-"I need a ride to the Emergency Room!" though doctors were never able to find any problems with her. Of course, a ride there was only the beginning of the process, with her saying "Now that you're here, I need you to be my advocate", etc.
-She would say rude things to my wife. If it happened in my prescence, I'd correct her on it, so she mostly made sure to do it when I wasn't around.
-Mostly, she would wait until I wasn't around to be rude, or just outright ignore my wife. Once, when the evening was done, and I'd already been told by my SIL that my mother had done that, my mother lied to me, telling me the opposite story of what really happened. She wasn't too happy when I told her I already what had gone on.
-A tremendous amount of negativity surrounded the way she "gathered intel", so to speak. A phone call to me, asking what seemed like an innocent question. Then a phone call to my brother, doing the same thing. "Do you know what he/she said?", etc. She made sure to be the conduit through which all information flowed, all being relayed with her own biases or outright lies.

It was a train wreck, as you can guess.

It's not that I never corrected her or never told her how she made things difficult or anything like that. It finally came down to me figuring out that I couldn't control her behaviour at all, and rather than deal with it, I removed it from my life.

Did you notice how everything I mentioned is in the past tense? Last Autumn, I told my wife that, if she doesn't want to, she'll never have to deal with my mother again. No phone calls, no visits. Nothing... And she was relieved. She would never try to keep me away from talking to or visiting with my mother, but she was thankful for that relationship to be over.

And then something happened... The more I noticed that my mother wasn't in our lives, the happier I was, too. No more nasty comments, no more constant drama, no more "woe is me" and so forth.

Only when given a chance to breathe clean air did I realize how toxic it was previously.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

You guys made it through Christmas.

Parents play a risky game if we try to control our kids or alienate our sons and daughters spouses. It's a lack of respect, or a false entitlement to control them or both. Husbands and wives play a risky game when we don't defend our spouse, even if it's from our parents or one of them.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Life is way too short to put up with that cr*p.

I deal with it at work occasionally but at least I'm getting paid for it there.

I'd think seriously about cutting these people out of your life. If your spouse wants to continue to interface with them so be it but for you consider ending all social events, calls, dinners with them as long as they refuse to behave.

Think about how much happier you will be.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Well, the gifts they sent were very nice and thoughtful. I was honestly surprised by them, and even better, was not at all triggered. The in laws are usually a trigger for me but not even one little bit this time (I've put in a lot of effort to let go of past hurts since I wrote the OP). 
I wrote a short but very polite email thanking them and said my daughter would send her own email when she returned home on Sunday. 

They never replied. I really can't figure them out. At least I know I did my part though. They can't say I didn't. Well, they could, but I have proof of my thank you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

vms said:


> Well, the gifts they sent were very nice and thoughtful. I was honestly surprised by them, and even better, was not at all triggered. The in laws are usually a trigger for me but not even one little bit this time (I've put in a lot of effort to let go of past hurts since I wrote the OP).
> I wrote a short but very polite email thanking them and said my daughter would send her own email when she returned home on Sunday.
> 
> They never replied. I really can't figure them out. At least I know I did my part though. They can't say I didn't. Well, they could, but I have proof of my thank you.


It was good for you to reach out like this.. with a thank you..:smthumbup:....knowing how you feel here but you pushed through it ...you did good... I think deep down most of us would like to better these relationships but fear offering the 1st olive branch lest we be rejected. stomped on some more.. . I could be wrong though. 

One thing is very true.. we have no control over who dislikes us ...or the myriad reasons behind the hate....sometimes it has more to do with them than even ourselves... a mother regrets her son moved on / he's not around for her anymore /jealousy.... a parent trying to live through their kids.. (so unhealthy)... even if you are a wonderful daughter in law.. these things can creep in & sour everything.... there is a book one could buy called "Toxic Parents" to lay out this dysfunction. 

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life 

And for the Inlaws too ...

Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage 

THis will help you with proper boundaries ...But really...we should strive to be the best example we can on our end to ease that hate over time..allowing for new exchanges / and little by little...you may find there is something there to work with .....it will take a strong person to look past some of the hurt and face this head on.... but I think it's worth the effort.. there is nothing sweeter than seeing 2 people who hated each other at one time.. come to LIKE each other , genuinely over time... that's a beautiful thing...and many times it was stupid misunderstandings that got built inside our heads & we couldn't let go of...

The not talking and avoiding is always the easy road with less reward.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

You gave the reaction they wanted to see. It got to you. Send them cards for EVERY holiday. St.Patricks day, july 4th, everything. What kind of reaction will they have?


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