# This hurts like hell....could use some hugs *sob*



## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

OMG it hurts...it HURTS like hell....hurts so damn much...

I told my husband yesterday to get the hell out of my house as he is having an EA with his co-worker. He just told me this morning he will be moving in with the other woman next week.

the full blown impact of the whole thing hits me when he said when he will take the kids on his days when he is supposed to have the kids and if he will be living with her in her house that means im completely out of the picture.

im soo lost and i feel do broken....i dunno what to do now...

he also told me that he doesnt think we can ever be compatible and he can only be friends with me....it hurts so damn much....

I have leave this in God's hand but it doesn't make it any less painful....i didnt think i have anymore tears to cry but here they come full force now...

Please tell me im doing the right thing kicking him out of the house...


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

((DownUnder))

Sometimes we have to make a stand for what we believe,what we want and what we deserve.Truth is,as you said,he would have been gone next week anyway.At least you screwed his plan up some.No solace in that I know.I feel bad for your suffering and God bless and help you.


----------



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I am not going to bombard you with questions, but if your H is so hot to get with this new broad, you cannot stop him. If the affair is only emotional, he could be looking at some problems. You probably do not want to wish them ill will, but that doesn't stop ME from doing it right?

I hope when he moves in, her house is a mess and she is a slob. I hope they have intimacy problems where they both go unsatisfied. I hope someday once you get your life together and you are strong, you can tell him to go to hell when he begs you to come back. 

You have been dealt a terrible blow. You need to heal and get better. The pain will lessen, I promise you. Keep coming back here to vent, cry, anything. There is always someone here for you.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Ive replied to ur other thread honey and I've pmd u
Xxxxxxxx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

endlessgrief, thank you for making me smile...just reading your post lift my spirit a little bit 

daisy, thank you for your PM...i really needed to hear that from a voice of experience. yes our situation is so similar but the only difference is that the OW is a divorcee without any kids so she is single and free right now with no consequences. My husband just told me today that the reason why they started talking was because she had gone thru a divorced and he needed to talk to someone who had experienced it before....she told my H that the reason why she walked out of her marriage was because her ex husband was a drug addict. then they started going to lunches and talking more, he was sharing more with her than he is sharing with me. He told me that he has a lot of things in common with her and little in common with me....in fact he just told me today that we are just not compatible. It hurts like hell...

anyway, it doesn't matter anymore....i really dont have any respect for a woman who knowingly and purposely lure a married man to leave his wife and children....but i refused to talk trash about her or stoop to her level.

Im gonna let God be my vindicator and i believe HIS way is always higher than our way....im sure He will pay me back double for this trouble. Im gonna keep praying and will let it go to God.

Thank you so much for all the kind words...i really appreciate your support and encouragement, it means a lot to me....please keep your response coming, when i get down reading here encourages me and lift up my spirit a little bit...


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Was this reported to their employers? God's will be done. But at least reported the improper behavior to their work. Companies enforce boundaries between employees because these activities are wrong and not tolerated in the work place.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

How old are your children and where will they be staying when he has them? If he's moving in with her, I would file for divorce immediately and make it clear that your kids are not to be playing house straight away at another woman's house right out of the gate. 

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I feel sorry for the confusion your children will be going through too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

You know, you may not be able to do anything about him leaving you for another woman, but you can do things for the well being of your children... If that makes it a little inconvenient for him - oh well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

At this moment, I am seeing the Karma bus make more than one stop at STBXH's doorstep. He left me a year ago, more like abandoned, and immdiately moved in with Trampasayrus Wrecks in another state. While I have not wished ill will and bad things on him I can't say I have wished him the best either. But in a year he has been diagnosed with diverticulitus, now needs surgery for torn shoulder, changed jobs, etc. Rest assured that they will get whatever they deserve, in time. Meanwhile take care of you and your kids.


----------



## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Honey....I'm' so very sorry..... 

You're doing the right thing........GOD takes care of those who love Him. He knows your pain and is right now, holding you & your children in his hands. I agree you shouldn't wish bad things on anyone, lest they happen to you; but rest assured our GOD is a 'just GOD who administers discipline to his children when they stray. 

We're all here for you when you need us!!!!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

BIG HUGS! 

You will get through this. I can tell you're strong because you kicked his lying butt out.

I have no other words because there's really nothing I can say other than the pain is very debilitating.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

DownUnder said:


> OMG it hurts...it HURTS like hell....hurts so damn much...
> 
> I told my husband yesterday to get the hell out of my house as he is having an EA with his co-worker. He just told me this morning he will be moving in with the other woman next week.
> 
> ...


Hi DownUnder ~

So sorry you are going through this.

Have you consulted with an attorney yet? You should protect yourself and your kids. Whether you look at divorce or a formal separation, you should look at ways that you can protect yourself and kids as necessary (e.g., use of a morality clause and limit time in OW presence, getting your financial ducks in order, etc.)

You might get some good advice on how to proceed on the Coping with Infidelity forum if you haven't already been there.

Hang in there.

Best wishes.


----------



## alone_not_lonely (Mar 22, 2012)

Down, I replied to your other thread before I realised you had this one up. I mean every word I say there


----------



## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

Agree with Enchantment, lawyer up, get your finances lined up. Cut him off from all joint bank accounts and cancel all joint credit cards.

Sending some eHugs your way 

GL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I know it feels terrible, but, logically, you are doing the right thing. He's proving you're doing the right thing by choosing to move in with his affair partner instead of fighting for your marriage. As much as you love and care for him, he isn't treating you with any kind of respect at all and doing anything other than a 180 to show him this is unacceptable will be enabling further future disrespect of you. He has crossed a line and needs to understand that it is not acceptable. Look up the 180 and do it -- not for him, but for you, to protect yourself. Expose the affair to your family and his family so they know what has happened. Maybe their affair bubble will pop and he will realize that he's being an idiot and come back and say sorry to you for treating you this way, but, if he doesn't, you must become strong enough to get by without him -- after all, he isn't being faithful to his vows to you and you don't deserve to come second best to some hoochie. Go over to the "Coping With Infidelity" forum and you will find a lot of people who are going through the same thing. It sucks. But...you'll survive.

(The fact that he is moving in with her suggests there has already been a physical component to this affair or that there will be one soon; he is a jacka**, and he thinks he's won something by cheating, but he will wake up to reality eventually and then he will have to live with knowing that he is a jacka**).


----------



## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

thank you so much everyone for all your kind words and support....you have no idea how much it means to me...

im expecting a roller coaster ride of emotions as it is currently going up and down....i woke up alone in my bed this morning and reality hits me right after i opened my eyes and my heart felt like it was being squizzed hard and it hurts like hell...

I made myself get out of bed and go to work.....i put a smile on my face and i put the armour of God around me.

I have contacted my lawyer this morning and i have an appointment to see her tomorrow to get some advice on what i should do.

He finally admitted yesterday that what he had with the OW was an EA...prior to that he didn't even think he was having an affair as nothing physical ever happened between them. I told him to google what "emotional affair" means and after doing some reading online he admitted that was what he has with her.

now that he is going to move in with the OW im sure this will turn into physical and i have resigned to the fact that this has to happened for him to realise the full extent of his decision.

I have made it clear to him that i DO NOT want my kids to meet her yet and he understand this and i hope he respected my wishes and know that he has put my kids thru enough pain and not make it even worse for all of us.

I dont have any family here...all my family is overseas so im on my own. My friends have warned me against reconcilliation with him before he moved back in and i have go against their advice, so i can't find support with them because they will just say "i told you so" and i feel so much weight on my shoulder....but i know God is with me and He will give me the strength to go thru this. 

However hard and painful this is God must've put me in this situation for a reason and i know He won't put me in a situation if I can't handle it.

Please send some prayers my way....


----------



## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

I hope you're wrong about your friends saying "I told you so" and withholding support just because you didn't take their advice the first time, but even if you're right, your friends here at TAM will be here for you. Hang in there.


----------



## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

OldGirl said:


> I hope you're wrong about your friends saying "I told you so" and withholding support just because you didn't take their advice the first time, but even if you're right, your friends here at TAM will be here for you. Hang in there.


OldGirl, they have strongly voiced their opinion that taking him back was a big mistake and i told them that i understand they meant well but i have to do what i feel is right for my family so i took him back anyway regardless their warning....

I haven't told them that i kicked him out again and about his continued EA with the OW....but i know what they will say and i dunno if i can bear them telling me 'i told you so'...

but thank you for your kind words and support....this place has become my sanctuary and a lifeline. Im eternally grateful....


----------



## FaithInHim (Mar 29, 2012)

cherokee96red said:


> {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}
> 
> At this moment, I am seeing the Karma bus make more than one stop at STBXH's doorstep. He left me a year ago, more like abandoned, and immdiately moved in with Trampasayrus Wrecks in another state. While I have not wished ill will and bad things on him I can't say I have wished him the best either. But in a year he has been diagnosed with diverticulitus, now needs surgery for torn shoulder, changed jobs, etc. Rest assured that they will get whatever they deserve, in time. Meanwhile take care of you and your kids.


"Trampasayrus Wrecks"...too funny!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Nothing is going to stop the pain you are going through. You're going to be completely lost for a short period of time. This kind of thing is like losing a loved one to death.

Some days will be good, some will be bad, but every day you will get a little better.

When you feel like sh*t, just remember that you can now have hope that you'll find someone who will treat you right and won't ever cause this kind of pain to you. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who will not hurt you like this.

Don't be afraid to cry, to vent, to get pissed off. Let yourself feel the full range of emotions. You will heal faster that way.


----------



## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Thank you everyone, i really appreciate your support....

My husband told me last night that he is moving out this thursday to the OW's place. 

Its amazingly fast and i dont think a relationship that started off this quick is going to last...but thats just my opinion.

If im a gambling person i would take bets as to how long this will last for but i won't 

i also know that a seed that is planted in bad soil is not going to grow...they started this relationship out of deceits and lies, its a very shaky foundation so i know in my heart that its going to crumble but i just dont know when....only God knows.

I have reliquinquish control of my life to God completely and i know HE is in control of this storm....He will use the winds from this storm that was meant to cause me harm and it will work out for my good in the end, i truly believe that.

Thursday is going to be a hard day for me....i will be coming here again and again for help and will probably need a strong reminder that im doing the right thing.


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

DownUnder said:


> Thank you everyone, i really appreciate your support....
> 
> My husband told me last night that he is moving out this thursday to the OW's place.
> 
> ...


Do you want the affair to end so you can reconcile or are you looking to move on? Have you looked into the 180? It's what you need to be doing at this point. You have to accept that even if you do everything right, your husband may not choose to come back to you. Doing the 180 puts you in the best position to entice your wayward spouse to return to you, while putting you in the best position to move forward if that doesn't happen.


----------



## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

COguy said:


> Do you want the affair to end so you can reconcile or are you looking to move on? Have you looked into the 180? It's what you need to be doing at this point. You have to accept that even if you do everything right, your husband may not choose to come back to you. Doing the 180 puts you in the best position to entice your wayward spouse to return to you, while putting you in the best position to move forward if that doesn't happen.


COguy, we have tried reconcilliation for the last 4 weeks but that turned out to be a false R.

Im not giving up on hope that our family will be restored, so yes i want a reconcilliation but since he wont give a full commitment im no longer going to force it....i will be okay even if he never comes back and there wont be anymore reconcilliation.

Im doing the "Divorce Remedy" the last-Last Resort Technique and im prepared to see this thru all the way to the end. I think this is just like doing the 180 right?


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

DownUnder said:


> COguy, we have tried reconcilliation for the last 4 weeks but that turned out to be a false R.
> 
> Im not giving up on hope that our family will be restored, so yes i want a reconcilliation but since he wont give a full commitment im no longer going to force it....i will be okay even if he never comes back and there wont be anymore reconcilliation.
> 
> Im doing the "Divorce Remedy" the last-Last Resort Technique and im prepared to see this thru all the way to the end. I think this is just like doing the 180 right?


Probably. It should involve stepping away from the relationship and moving on. Not showing any emotion or unpleasantness about the divorce even if that is the farthest thing from how you actually feel. Absolutely no begging, pleading, talking about the marriage/divorce, or sadness in front of him or anyone that will relay that message. When you see him, he should see a happy, cheerful, woman who is excited to move on with her life. And that's how you should strive to truly feel.

That way, if you do decide to reconcile, you're doing it from a place of strength, knowing that you don't need to Reconcile just to be happy. In your current state you would reconcile just out of fear and pain, which is not a good state to be in.


----------



## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

COguy, yes that's what i have been doing....i only speak to him when necessary and its about the kids. We have as little contact as possible eventho he is still in the house for 2 more days we are not in the same room that often.

I have not been talking about the marriage/divorce and i have not been pleasing or begging at all....i told him last weekend when i told him to move out that im letting him go and i wish him the best.

The only thing we spoke about last night was me clarifying that he is not to take the children to see her under no circumstances, i will let him know when im ready for that but i asked him not to push me for that....and he has agreed that is for the best.

tell me COguy, just humour me....i think i need to hear it from someone else, do you think he will realised that he is making a mistake or will he be in a high europhea feelings now that he is finally with the woman he wants to be with? 

Because i asked him that the kids are not to see her it means im looking after the kids the whole weekdays by myself and he is free to be with her every night after work....and they also work together eventho in a different department and different floors.

Am i making this too easy for them? am i an idiot for not seeing this happening?


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

DownUnder said:


> COguy, yes that's what i have been doing....i only speak to him when necessary and its about the kids. We have as little contact as possible eventho he is still in the house for 2 more days we are not in the same room that often.
> 
> I have not been talking about the marriage/divorce and i have not been pleasing or begging at all....i told him last weekend when i told him to move out that im letting him go and i wish him the best.
> 
> ...


An affair is built on unrealistic expectations. Of course in the early stages he will be euphoric, just like you were when you first started dating. As he realizes that his AP is not perfect, the fairy tale will fade and he'll probably realize his mistake. There are chemicals at work, very similar to an addict hitting rock bottom.

about the kids, personally I think its unfair for one parent to have sole custody while the other lives the single life. Consult an attorney, a good one. You can legally require the kids aren't allowed with her, at least now. switch Weeks or you're never going to have a life.

try not to take solace in his misery. The more he is on your mind, the longer it will take to heal. His relationship will fail. 90 some percent do in that position. The question is, do you really want wait around to be some butt clown's sloppy seconds?


----------



## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

COguy said:


> An affair is built on unrealistic expectations. Of course in the early stages he will be euphoric, just like you were when you first started dating. As he realizes that his AP is not perfect, the fairy tale will fade and he'll probably realize his mistake. There are chemicals at work, very similar to an addict hitting rock bottom.
> 
> about the kids, personally I think its unfair for one parent to have sole custody while the other lives the single life. Consult an attorney, a good one. You can legally require the kids aren't allowed with her, at least now. switch Weeks or you're never going to have a life.
> 
> try not to take solace in his misery. The more he is on your mind, the longer it will take to heal. His relationship will fail. 90 some percent do in that position. The question is, do you really want wait around to be some butt clown's sloppy seconds?


okay this is my dilemma....he did asked me if he can come around to the house to help me with the kids on some days during the week and i told him "NO, i dont want you here"....for me its hard to see him in the house and know that he choose her instead of us. I have hope that when he can't spend time with his kids during the whole weekdays then he will miss them and realised he is missing out being with his children and feel guilty when he is with her....is this just delusional?

Im basing this decision on the fact that he is a very hands-on father and he is very close to the children.

I was hoping that this will make him re-think if he made the right decision.... that he is choosing to be with her instead of with his kids.

OR is it better to let him see the children and spend some time with them during the weeknights and suck it up eventho its hard to see him in the house with the kids? this is the only way for him 

What do you recommend to do?

in regards to the sloppy seconds comment....he has been with me for 17 years and im not about to throw that away easily because some floozy he meet in the office. As far as im concerned she is the one who is getting my sloppy seconds right now.


----------



## jessica99 (Apr 3, 2012)

oh, this is really a sad story to hear.  my dad was almost close in leaving us before. fortunately, my mother talked some sense into him.

i really think asking him to leave is the best thing. things would eventually become worse if he continue leaving with you. know that there are people who are emphatic to what you're going through. be strong for you and your children.


----------



## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Thanks Jessica, your kind words means a lot to me...


----------



## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I wouldn't hang around while he's there. Make him choose between OW and your kids. If he really wants to see them, let him come over and then get all dressed up and go somewhere. Doesn't matter where and don't talk about it. Just act excited that you get to get out. Even better if you come home late and/or you're smiling when you get back.

If you let him hang with you, you are going to act weak and do something dumb. You're still way to in to him.


----------



## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

COguy said:


> I wouldn't hang around while he's there. Make him choose between OW and your kids. If he really wants to see them, let him come over and then get all dressed up and go somewhere. Doesn't matter where and don't talk about it. Just act excited that you get to get out. Even better if you come home late and/or you're smiling when you get back.
> 
> If you let him hang with you, you are going to act weak and do something dumb. You're still way to in to him.


hell no, im definetely not planning to hang around when he comes to spend time with the kids. Trust me, Im not going to be there.

Im gonna do at least 2 weeks of full no contact, which means im not gonna allow him into the house to see the kids for the next 2 weeks. He made his bed so he can lie in it now.

maybe after 2 weeks i might allow him to have some time during the weeknights (after work) to spend with the kids, but he needs to realised that his actions have consequences and hopefully this will get to his thick foggy head!


----------



## chocolategeek (Mar 8, 2012)

COguy said:


> I wouldn't hang around while he's there. Make him choose between OW and your kids. If he really wants to see them, let him come over and then get all dressed up and go somewhere. Doesn't matter where and don't talk about it. Just act excited that you get to get out. Even better if you come home late and/or you're smiling when you get back.
> 
> If you let him hang with you, you are going to act weak and do something dumb. You're still way to in to him.


Exactly what I did during our separation. I was pregnant with our third child, he was seeing the OW regularly but didn't move in with her. I went out and dated myself (eating at my favorite restaurants and bookstores, having spa days, taking up dancing lessons, etc.) and hung out once a week with my girl friends. 

Whenever he saw me happy and really enjoying my own life, he didn't know how to react. He looked lost. I really really forced myself to go out and engage in positive, self-esteem building activities. I was tired of being depressed over the marriage. I had to schedule activities in my calendar always a week or two in advance so I know i wouldn't be sitting around at home, which we all know is not a good thing (an idle mind is the devil's workshop). I'm a freelancer and not someone with a 9 to 5 job so I had to be creative with my scheduled activities, but I just picked out whatever I wanted to do that I hadn't done when we were still together (not enough time, not enough money, etc., etc.). I even had diving lessons, took up a professional chocolatier course, I literally explored the world like an excited kid. 

In the end, I'd done my 180 and it was when I was at my happiest times alone, being independent, totally fine with not reconciling that he started becoming very attracted to me again.


----------



## Cyber Cheating Stinks (Jun 21, 2012)

ray:


DownUnder said:


> OMG it hurts...it HURTS like hell....hurts so damn much...
> 
> I told my husband yesterday to get the hell out of my house as he is having an EA with his co-worker. He just told me this morning he will be moving in with the other woman next week.
> 
> ...


Oh man. That rots. I am still trying to work up the nerve to confront my husband tonight. I am hurting so bad, too. I know EXACTLY what you are going through, and my God, how I wish I was there to give you the biggest hug. ((())) if you don't throw him out you might end up like me. My husband had a 2 year EA with coworker, I just found out by reading all his texts on Face Book this past November. I confronted him. We see a marriage counselor. I just found out today that he has his name up on a local dating service and his profile says he is "dating". In my case, I tried and tried. I was a wonderful wife and a loving mother. He is just addicted to cheating and masturbating. I have to confront him about it and throw him out, just like you. You are doing the right thing. Your marriage is unfixable if he is moving in with OW. And these fling relationships never last. Your kids will see that you are the steadfast one, and love you for it. Stick with God. That is the right direction when chaos surrounds you. You can ALWAYS write to me. Peaceful dreams for now.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

The grass may look greenier, but it will catch up with him and her. The reality is their relationship will fail and he will wake-up to see his mistake. 

You need to 180 for you. One big hug for you from me!


----------

