# Above and beyond fails...



## Dawn Marie (Jul 2, 2012)

Well, after all that I have been through, tonight I finally gave up. No more trying to save the marriage and save my husband. I never thought I would get to this point. Even now, my heart is pounding like crazy and its all I can do to keep from breaking down...but I'm done. It started so long ago. Even in high school I was waking him up for school and making sure he showed up so he could graduate. When we got married I walked him through every job that he had...and there were many! I supported and sacrificed when he opened his own business, and nursed his broken ego when it failed. I endured the pain and shame of him cheating on me and abandoning his family. I extended forgivness and continued to love him. Years later I took care of him when he broke his back, and worked 3 jobs to support our family. I never forced him to work during that time. I just let him heal and loved him anyway. When he was diagnosed with Bipolar, I educated myself the best I could and never put him down for it - although it slowly killed me inside to endure the emotional and verbal abuse it caused. When the marriage began to fall apart due to his illness and my lack of strength to hang on, I watched as he had his last manic episode and lashed out at me and our two children. When he left the next day and took almost everything, I didnt call the police or even retaliate in anger. Instead I prayed for his safety wherever he was. Through all of this I continued to reach out to him through texts and an occasional call, offering forgivness and apologizing for whatever I had failed to do or did in anger. I got no heartfelt response. Only coldness and selfishness. When the time came that he wanted to finally see his children, I spent my last borrowed dollar, used my vacation time and went through the cruelist 4 days of mental torture just watching as he laughed with the children he would watch leave without sheading a tear. Even still I worked to pay for his car insurance, health insurance, paid for his telephone so he could call the kids, and even got him groceries. Once again I reached out and offered the chance to reconcile and was told "I'm just confused. I dont know." And now, I recieve a letter about his disability. He has a court date. 3 years we have waited, and he is in danger of ruining something that he really does need. So, I pray about it and offer to get the money to move him back home, get him in to see his regular doctor and psych doctor so that he will have what he needs for his hearing, and so that we may have a chance to reconcile, and his response is a simple "I dont know." And that is what I fully expected. The same rejection to the best thing he has ever had in his life - a wife who dearly loves him. As soon as I hung up, I just thought, God, I'm done now. I can do no more. Its killing my heart. There is nothing more I can offer. Nothing more I can say. Nothing more I can change. And nothing more I can wish for...but to be happy again one day, and to be able to walk through the house and not break down at the slightest thought of what my life has become, but more importantly what he has become. Should he come to his senses and realize what he is giving up, things may could change and be healed, but I wont extend that love and help anymore. I simply cant. There is nothing left to give. I wish I could say its like a relief, but the truth is that it is heart breaking and it feels as though I will never be able to breathe again. I want to feel empowered and in control, but I just want to crawl in the bed and die there in sadness instead. Not going back to this enabling pattern will probably be the hardest thing I have done in my life, and accepting the fact that he no longer loves me and probably never did, is sure to be even harder. Im sorry that the post is so long. I just really needed to get that out. Maybe someone out there has some good advice on how to handle what will come next. I dont even know what to expect...
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm so sorry that it has all come to this. But you have finally realized that you cannot carry him all the way... not when you have to take care of yourself and your children as well.

Is there any family member who might help him with is disability hearing. If there is just let them know and turn it all over to them.


You should probably go to no contact now.. and when/if you have any contact interact according to the 180. The goal would be to protect yourself and your children in every way. As you get use to not acting in a co-dependent (enabling) fashion you can expect to have more emotional strength and become more and more content in life. You have been putting so much energy into him for so long... and now you will that energy for other things.


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## Dawn Marie (Jul 2, 2012)

Thank you! My husband has many people who love and care for him, but he refuses to talk to them. He does not want them to make him feel bad for what he is doing. He doesnt want to hear their opinions. And they are so sweet and caring. Those that he says he cant stand and never wants to see again are the ones who would bend over backwards to help him because they love and care. He has thrown away his entire life. He has sold all of his (our) posessions, and is living very poorly and still chooses that over a loving family. Not a single choice he is making is rational, although he thinks its perfectly sane. I know that is a big part of his illness, but it seems like there should have already been a breaking point. I just cant stop from shaking my head in disbelief...
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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Dawn,

It has to be terribly painful to watch someone you love flounder so desperately. My heart goes out to you.

But you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

He is rejecting all attempts to help him. I hear in your language you are aware your actions have been enabling him all along and you know you need to stop.



Dawn Marie said:


> Maybe someone out there has some good advice on how to handle what will come next. I dont even know what to expect...


The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and your children. He is on a path of destruction and will only take you with him. The longer you attempt to shelter him from himself, the more resentment and fear will build. It is time to let him make his own decisions. If he crashes & burns, he may turn to you for help. Then - and only then - will you be in a position to help him.

How to get out of bed? You just do it. Your kids need you so you do it. Sucks, I know! But, you've been strong enough to enable an adult dependent - proof that you can handle tough times. This is another tough time and will push you to your limits, but you will make it through. Buckle your chin strap - it will be a bumpy ride. 

We will be here to help.


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