# Need Help. Am I a jealous wreck or should I be concerned?



## blacksage

I've been everywhere tryig to get help with this. We have an appointment with a couples counselor on Tuesday but I want to hear from others. Here is the short version

After months of denial my fiancee admits she finds Rob Pattison (guy from Twilight) attractive. I did not have an issue with that.

We both frequent a forum where she mentioned she has a lot of pics of him saved, she has to downplay her attraction, etc. This time I blew up. I felt kinda stupid. But I could not figure out why she was being dishonest about it. I thiought it was something deeper.

So this is where we have our big problem. I got word that these twilight fanatics write dirty stories called fanfics. I confronted her on the issue and she said no. I got on the computer and her email is her homepage (which I told her not to do) and saw three chapter she wrote and her and rob having a sul relationship. These stories were explict and very detailed. I told her about it and she said she isjust being creative and is writing for an audience, I guess her forum members which I am no longer a part of. Last night she mentioned rob in her sleep and kpt moaning, I slept on the couch.

Is this normal? Am I a jealous wreck? Should she be on the forum at work, at home, while I am sleep, and take her laptop to the bathroom constantly reading working on this? where do I draw the line?

Sorry for the book


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## Blanca

blacksage said:


> Last night she mentioned rob in her sleep and kpt moaning, I slept on the couch.


You slept on the couch?!? man, next time that happens you wake her up and tell her to sleep on the couch. 

She's way out of line. i dont think her behavior is normal at all. she's lost in a fantasy land and completely neglecting how its affecting you.


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## GAsoccerman

I personally think you are being a jealous wreck here... I mean come on it's just a fantasy role. have some fun with it and dress like him and have some fun with it.


My wife is in love with the guy from the mentalist, she will DVR the show and watch it with her vibrator in hand.

It's healthy for her to have fantasies...do you not fantasize about other women?

It's perfectly normal.


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## blacksage

I have my fantasies but it never ends up on paper. I guess it was just deeper than that. The story was in this alternate reality where she had a completely different career and a relationship with this guy. There are some girls that I would love to ride me, but I dont fantasize about having RELATIONSHIPS with them. But if this is normal then I guess I will find a way to deal with it. I think I will make myself busy when she jumps on the computer.


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## KMDillon

I don't think it's normal. Those alternate reality sites often lead to unhealthy addictions. Regardless of normality, it hurts you and that makes it not ok. She can fantasize all she wants in her head but if seeing it in writing makes you feel betrayed it's worth discussing a compromise.


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## blacksage

So we had a long discussion and the conclusion is...nothing changes. She will continue to write her stories, but she will change the name. I will not read any of the new stories. She can stay up on the forum however much she likes because I should not dictate what she does in her spare time. The compromise is if there is ever a time I want her to hop off and do something with me, she will. 

I guess that is normal...?


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## martino

My wife reads those romance novels, her sister I found out reads the explicit and filthy novels that really are porn for women. If your lady is obsessed with these stories you got a problem. If it's substituting for time and sex with you, it's a problem. If not cancel that appointment and read those stories when she isn't looking, you got a kitten purring there. If it isn't adversely affecting you two, she will resent you, and she will complain about you to her friends. They will agree with her. You may be painting yourself into a corner here dude!


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## GAsoccerman

I brought your problem up to my wife, becuase she is also a twiligth fan.

She agree's with me, you should buy a vampire outfit and some "white face" and fangs and do some Role playing with your wife...It will be an erotic fantasy for her and it could be allot of fun for you.

have some fun with it


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## blacksage

We actually went to see a counselor today. I am ok with the stories now. The financee explained them to me. I guess I am just one of those guys thats likes to thinks he only has eyes for me. As far as the white make-up goes...I'm black. Its just not going to happen. I ran it by the fiancee and she thinks it will be weird and she insists that she does not want to "do" Rob. She would like to throw some glitter on me and have "sparkle like a vampire."


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## GAsoccerman

so she dooes want to do the role play with you....have some fun with it.

Light some candles, put on some weird organ music (phantom of the opera), dress in a vampire costume, have some fun with it.


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## blacksage

GAsoccerman said:


> so she dooes want to do the role play with you....have some fun with it.
> 
> Light some candles, put on some weird organ music (phantom of the opera), dress in a vampire costume, have some fun with it.


I wish it were that simple. Her thing is deeper than Twilight though. In my opinion she is obsessed with anything Twilight related but has sexual fantasies about Rob P. Which means dressing up wont help me. Oh well.


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## preso

Love is not jealous.


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## blacksage

preso said:


> Love is not jealous.


I dont understand. Are you saying I dont love my fiancee? We have been together for 9 years. I have never questioned my love for her. I might have some insecurity issues but for you to suggest that I do not love her is...wrong. You must mean that I am not jealous.


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## preso

blacksage said:


> I dont understand. Are you saying I dont love my fiancee? We have been together for 9 years. I have never questioned my love for her. I might have some insecurity issues but for you to suggest that I do not love her is...wrong. You must mean that I am not jealous.



what I mean is: love is not jealous. What you see as love may not be because jealousy is not real love.
Some people confuse control, obession, lust for love, but those are all their own things. If you truely love someone you would not be or feel jealous.
Love is patient, kind, does not demand it's own way, it is not jealous.


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## Sensitive

I think it is healthy to fantasize and write romance stories online. It can get suspicious if she is receiving private messages from other men on that forum site, or her behavior appears addictive, where it hinders your sex life. It sounds like you have the jealousy under control.


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## broken0heart

What's wrong with people!! so if a guy watch porno and look at naked girls even naked teenagers (real girls that he can even contact like cam girls or whatever..) considered fine and normal, guy thing and all guy do it so it's ok just deal with it or you are crazy but if a women fantasized about an actor (what is the chance she would go with him!! hmmmm) and wrote (not even looked at his most private areas) considered having problem!!! and not normal hmmm

my opinion:

1- I think she might saw you looking at other girls or something that bothered her so much that's why she's acting like that coz you can tell from everything you have described that she is doing all this in purpose!
2- I think its wrong for male or female to disrespect his/her other significant by looking at other peoples private areas, like looking at porno or whatever..

P.S. from my experience, I caught my husband looking at naked teens and so, behind me..any way i did nothing (coz I told him already before that hurt and so but he still doin it), so I just started to look up naked sexy guys online..you know what that lead to?!! I use to always dream about my husband and see us in a romantic situation in the dream but since I started to watch those guys online..I started to dream about them like I'm dating them and not my husband any more..and now I wake up horny for them not for my hubby..I love him so much but when he hurt me..he pushed me to this road. 

my advice:
talk to her in a sweet voice and tell her if there is something wrong between you both. if it didn't work..let her feel how it feels like for you..and start to show your admiration in some actress, singer or supermodel..see how she will react...

BEST OF LUCK

Broken Heart..


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## DartMom007

Just a suggestion why don't you get obessed with her. Share in her enjoyment of this actor. Imitation is the greatest flattery so copy his style get into her head. This could be something special you both share in openly and honestly and instead of bob or whatever his name is she will be calling yours. Reality can be rough and we all need a little escape time this could be a phase.:smthumbup:


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## blacksage

broken0heart said:


> What's wrong with people!! so if a guy watch porno and look at naked girls even naked teenagers (real girls that he can even contact like cam girls or whatever..) considered fine and normal, guy thing and all guy do it so it's ok just deal with it or you are crazy but if a women fantasized about an actor (what is the chance she would go with him!! hmmmm) and wrote (not even looked at his most private areas) considered having problem!!! and not normal hmmm
> 
> my opinion:
> 
> 1- I think she might saw you looking at other girls or something that bothered her so much that's why she's acting like that coz you can tell from everything you have described that she is doing all this in purpose!
> 2- I think its wrong for male or female to disrespect his/her other significant by looking at other peoples private areas, like looking at porno or whatever..
> 
> P.S. from my experience, I caught my husband looking at naked teens and so, behind me..any way i did nothing (coz I told him already before that hurt and so but he still doin it), so I just started to look up naked sexy guys online..you know what that lead to?!! I use to always dream about my husband and see us in a romantic situation in the dream but since I started to watch those guys online..I started to dream about them like I'm dating them and not my husband any more..and now I wake up horny for them not for my hubby..I love him so much but when he hurt me..he pushed me to this road.
> 
> my advice:
> talk to her in a sweet voice and tell her if there is something wrong between you both. if it didn't work..let her feel how it feels like for you..and start to show your admiration in some actress, singer or supermodel..see how she will react...
> 
> BEST OF LUCK
> 
> Broken Heart..


I think the idea of women writing an erotic novel is hot. I dont have a problem with the celebrity crush either. My problem was that she wrote a story about what seemed to be how she wishes her life would have turned out. In addition, it was a story about her using her name. Private fantasies are fine but when you rite personal stories and send them to you online buddies I think it crosses the line and this fantasy is no longer private.

She did not catch me watching porn or looking at other women. Her sex drive hs increased exponentially (before I said something now it has slowed to once every 8-9 days) but it just makes me sad cause I feel like she has to fantasize about other men to get off when she is with me. Not cool.

I do not think there is anything wrong with porn. I just dont like the obsession. when she spends ever waking hour on the forum. Literally she does it at work, at home, takes the computer to the bathroom. Has the forum up on her blackberry. I think that is a problem.

As far as the story goes. I mentioned it and she says it is like an alter ego of hers and nothing she would ever do in real life. she agreed to stop writing the story but I can tell she is upset by it.


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## voivod

blacksage said:


> I wish it were that simple. Her thing is deeper than Twilight though. In my opinion she is obsessed with anything Twilight related but has sexual fantasies about Rob P. Which means dressing up wont help me. Oh well.


blacksage...

i don't feel i'm particularly equipped to advise you as i am going thru an incredibly emotionlly loaded time myself...

BUT...i will say this: in my case, being jealous or a celebrity crush is Bu11$#!t. you're never going to be able to live "up" to a celeb. they are a fantasy. they don't fart in bed.

celeb fantasy kinda fulfills a need. something that unfortunately you cant fulfill. it's not his looks, i promise. it's his character's charisma. something that is written into the role.

can anyone explain why so many women have a crush on hugh laurie? i mean seriously. before the tv show "house" became a hit, laurie was the voice of cartoon characters!!! the guy is as unkempt as any human alive. "bad boy?" yeah, the worst! painkiller addicted, probably (in real life) that kind of addiction would lead to erectile dysfunction! real macho!

relax and forget the twilight crush. you can't be that guy. but you can be YOU. and a good version of you might be better than a celluloid version of the twilight dude.


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## blacksage

Thank you. Your post helped a lot. I let it go. I cant lie it bothers me i the back of my mind, but it is just not wort the trouble. As of right now she stopped writing the story though. I am sure it will resurface sooner or later.


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## venturebeyond

Blacksage,

I just read through all of the posts. I understand your feelings on this matter. It's been a while so I wonder if you have been able to resolve this matter (I highly doubt it).

I don't believe it is a jealousy issue. I find it completely disrespectful.


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## blacksage

venturebeyond said:


> Blacksage,
> 
> I just read through all of the posts. I understand your feelings on this matter. It's been a while so I wonder if you have been able to resolve this matter (I highly doubt it).
> 
> I don't believe it is a jealousy issue. I find it completely disrespectful.


I am glad someone else does not think it is a jealousy issue! I would not say the problem has been resolved, but it is definitely in the past. 

I did get into the fantasy with her. We were recently married and on the honeymoon I managed to find some glitter and throw it on my chest. Apparently this is what these twilight vampires look like in sunlight. She seemed to like that, she even took pictures which is completely outside of her character

As far as the stories go and the obsession, she still spends a lot of time on the forum. she has continued writing her story (although she wont tell me) and my sex life (quantity and quality) has increased.

The story still bothers me because even though there has been a name change we both know who the characters are. The way I combat this is by not snooping through her online forums and reading her stories! She is a good writer and maybe this will develop into a career for her. I think I have accepted that I am not going to like everything she does and if I ask her to stop she might not do it. I dont think it is big enough to get upset over or divorce, even though I did initially.

SHORT VERSION: I think it is disrespectful, she doesnt. she continues to do it, I will ignore it and hope that she can grow from it by getting a career in writing started or at least picking up a hobby.


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## Sandy55

Wow. 

The most my dh and I do is he will be watching a show and say:

"She's cute"
Or I will say:
"He's really good looking".
I guess we are really boring....

My dh is constantly asking me: "Do you think he's good looking?". He always picks these big muscle guys....I like slender, smaller sorts of guys, guys who know how to dress. I really don't like football linebacker sizes (Whoa, Nelly!).

Actually, my dh gets these "stuck on her" moments. Various female "stars", such as Drew Barrymore or like the short blond haired woman on Star Gate SGII. He will search them out on the internet, look at all their photos, bios, etc. Kinda stalker like, IMHO, but it is transient with dh. 

My dh wanted me to cut my hair like that blond one on Stargate, I kind of had it that way when we got married. I did, because I liked how she looked in it and I like short hair.

After I did it, I told him I wanted to glue my hair back on, I am twenty pounds heavier than when we married 24 years ago, I thought I looked like crap with that haircut NOW - certainly didn't look like HER! :rofl: Course she is about 30 and I am 23 years OLDER mind you...

But yes, blacksage, I think she is overboard...and I find what she is doing as kind of obsessive. Especially if it interferes with your relationship.


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## blacksage

Sandy55 said:


> Wow.
> 
> The most my dh and I do is he will be watching a show and say:
> 
> "She's cute"
> Or I will say:
> "He's really good looking".
> I guess we are really boring....
> 
> My dh is constantly asking me: "Do you think he's good looking?". He always picks these big muscle guys....I like slender, smaller sorts of guys, guys who know how to dress. I really don't like football linebacker sizes (Whoa, Nelly!).
> 
> Actually, my dh gets these "stuck on her" moments. Various female "stars", such as Drew Barrymore or like the short blond haired woman on Star Gate SGII. He will search them out on the internet, look at all their photos, bios, etc. Kinda stalker like, IMHO, but it is transient with dh.
> 
> My dh wanted me to cut my hair like that blond one on Stargate, I kind of had it that way when we got married. I did, because I liked how she looked in it and I like short hair.
> 
> After I did it, I told him I wanted to glue my hair back on, I am twenty pounds heavier than when we married 24 years ago, I thought I looked like crap with that haircut NOW - certainly didn't look like HER! :rofl: Course she is about 30 and I am 23 years OLDER mind you...
> 
> But yes, blacksage, I think she is overboard...and I find what she is doing as kind of obsessive. Especially if it interferes with your relationship.


What is a DH?

Yea I think it is obsessive, but it does not interfere with the relationship. If she is on there and I want her undivided attention I just ask her and she closes the laptop lid.


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## GPR

DH = Dear Husband


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## GPR

Celebrity fantasy is nothing to be worried about IMO. My wife LOVES Johnny Depp. I actually tease her about it all the time. 

I would be a little worried about the fantasy world stuff. It's one of those things that it could be fine, but it could be trouble if she get's too caught up in it and start caring more about her Fantasy life than her real life. But it sounds like everything is going OK, so I wouldn't get too worked up about it.


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## Kayla

You are not insecure, you're feelings are right on point. And if I were you while it is at a stage of fiancee, I would think twice before marrying. There would be serious premarital counseling. It is not normal for a person to fantasize about another person in that way. 
Especially someone she has not met or will never meet. That is strange and not normal. If I were you I would not compromise to let her go online and do her postings. I hate when people that are doing things that are wrong in the relationship as cheating use the insecure flip. In reality they are insecure. 
They are doing inappropriate things and you should just accept it them mistreating you or you're just insecure. That's a bunch of crap. You're insticts arde right any normal human being would feel that way.


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## tattoomommy

GAsoccerman said:


> I brought your problem up to my wife, becuase she is also a twiligth fan.
> 
> She agree's with me, you should buy a vampire outfit and some "white face" and fangs and do some Role playing with your wife...It will be an erotic fantasy for her and it could be allot of fun for you.
> 
> have some fun with it


yep! I say go for it. I mean it's odd that she's moaning in her sleep about him in my opinion.. but if you can get her to do that about you and have fun with a fantasy go for it.


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