# Hubby thinks once my son graduates high school he should be out.



## Mycrush

Hello, This is my 2nd marriage, my 1st husband passed away and we had 3 children. Youngest was 14 at the time. I remarried my high school crush 1 1/2 yrs later. My youngest son is epileptic, normal, high functioning otherwise, just has seizures that can be severe because the last awhile. Anyway I do baby him but he does help around here, not to the expectations of new hubby. He said today that when my son goes off to college he isn't coming back to stay during breaks. He gets 2 weeks a year and that's it. Other than his dislike for my children he treats me really well. He travels a lot for work so he isn't home much which is why I think we've made it over 2 years but I don't want to have to choose between my husband or my kids. Any suggestions.


----------



## soccermom2three

How long did you date before you married him? Why did you marry someone that dislikes your children? Do you work outside the home?


----------



## Mycrush

We dated about a year before we married but he didn't show the dislike then, it has gotten worse the closer it gets to my son graduating. Yes I do work outside the home. Like I said he treats me like queen, I didn't get that very often in my 1st marriage.


----------



## soccermom2three

How do your kids treat your husband? Does your husband have kids?


----------



## Mycrush

My son is extremely shy and very introverted unless he really knows you so he rarely talks to him. My other 2 are married and have their own places. He has a daughter that is the same age as my oldest and she is married, has a baby and lives 1200 miles away.


----------



## soccermom2three

To be honest, I couldn't be with someone that didn't like my kids. I could see if he's tried hard to be nice to them and they still are being total jerks and he's just fed up. Why doesn't he like them? 

Where does your husband think your son should go during breaks? Just stay on an empty campus?

Sorry for the all the questions. I just can't wrap my head this at all.


----------



## Mycrush

The questions are fine, I'm tying to wrap my head around it myself. My hubby is a very active person and is always doing something. There was a lot of stuff around here that needed done and fixed and honestly my kids have never been ones to help. Hubby keeps bringing up cleaning up the yard without any help while my son sat on his rear. One summer he was on a med increase for the seizures and they caused him to be extremely dizzy. He thought he was faking most of it. I'm sure I do baby him because of everything he's been through, the seizures, his Dad dying, the effects of the medication, can't help it he's been through a lot and he is a good kid. He doesn't party, a good student I waited on everyone hand and foot in my 1st marriage and now hubby thinks I should be the one waited on. I did have surgery recently because of overdoing so have to rely on help and I don't really get it till hubby is home.


----------



## Mycrush

He thinks he should find somewhere else to stay or have an apartment but not with us.


----------



## frusdil

I'm wondering if you rushed into this marriage. 18 months after the death of a spouse isn't very long...it seems like now the fog has lifted and you can see your husband for what he really is, which isn't a very nice man.

It'd be one thing if your kids were brats and gave him a hard time but that's not the case - he just doesn't like them. Not sure I'd be sticking around to be honest. 

I'm a stepmum to my husbands 10 year old daughter, I met her when she was 6. I love her as my own child and would protect her with my own life if need be. I don't understand why your husband married you if he didn't like your kids??


----------



## dignityhonorpride

Mycrush said:


> He thinks he should find somewhere else to stay or have an apartment but not with us.


How is an 18 year old who is a full time student for 9 months out of the year going to afford an apartment?? Colleges don't allow undergrads to stay in dorms during breaks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Coffee Amore

Mycrush said:


> but I don't want to have to choose between my husband or my kids. Any suggestions.


For me the choice would be so clear. My child would come first, especially considering the child in questions is a mild mannered child who has long standing health issues.


----------



## happy as a clam

I think your husband sounds nutty. NO ONE expects their kids to not come home from college during breaks, summers, holidays. At least no one who is reasonable.

Tell your husband to rent an apartment for himself to stay in when your son is home for college. See how he likes them apples.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Happilymarried25

Sounds like you should have waited until your children were grown to remarry. My son is in college and gets off a lot more time than 2 weeks. Tell your husband your son will be coming home during his school breaks and if he doesn't like it then he can leave. Your son has already lost his father he doesn't need to loose you too. Husbands come and go but if you pick your husband over your child your son will probably never forgive you.


----------



## larry.gray

Coffee Amore said:


> For me the choice would be so clear. My child would come first, especially considering the child in questions is a mild mannered child who has long standing health issues.


I need to figure out this bug that lets you like a post more than once, because this one deserves it!!!


----------



## EleGirl

I'm with the others. In this case your son comes first.

I would also not stay with a man who thought that my son was lying about a medical/health issue when it was pretty clear to me that the issue existed. Your husband just does not like your son.

Why does your husband think that he can make a unilateral decision about your children? It's your home too, right? 

With the attitude your husband is showing of making such a far reaching, unilateral decision about your son.. one that will hurt your son and you for years to come, I'd be very concerned about what he's going to be like once your son is gone and it's just the two of you. What other strong handed things is he going to try to impose on you?

Did your husband do this with his daughter when she graduated from high school? Did he essentially throw her out the door too? If not, why not?


----------



## steve truckdriver

Hi, I am the husband here.. I was getting online to look for something and seen this, so lets tell the whole story, shall we? 
We have known each other since we were young, she was 3 and I was 4, fast forward(46 and 47) we were in contact for a few years shooting the breeze and exchanging jokes, never meeting. I was loading nearby and got laid over so we met for lunch and one thing led to another til before you know it, we were talking marriage after her youngest got off to college. My now wife decided she didn't want to wait because I lived in Texas and was worried I may stumble across another woman in those 3 years of waiting. Her kids and I did get along at first, until I seen how they all set and waited on her to serve them when they snapped their fingers, I heard over the phone her 15 year old boy tell her, "wench, make me some grilled cheese"... and she jumped up and done it! OH HELL NO! I worked out in the yard for 3 summers, her little boy (15, 16 then 17 years old) sat on his ass playing video games and texting while I done it all by myself, his meds only kicking in when he was asked or told to do something. My wife had a business at home and would go outside and show him how to use a rake and shovel, as soon as she would go in the office, there would be a rake and shovel on the ground and he would once again be playing video games and texting. There were small rocks and glass mixed with other debris that needed raked up, she would tell me she would have him do it, literally 6 months later I was out there doing it with her making any and every excuse why he didn't, today there is a small little yard trailer setting 1/2 full of the same stuff that I loaded last spring that he was "going to take care of"... still 1/2 full. He came in one time, holding his head, oooooh, he was just dying(he had been outside for 10 minutes) he couldn't do anything at all... his grandmother pulled in, he jumped off the couch, ran down the hall, grabbed hid stuff and ran out the door, IT WAS A MIRICULE FROM JESUS!!, HE WAS HEALED!! He couldn't work outside at all because the sun was going to kill him, when school started he joined track.... REALLY? I cleaned out the basement, cobwebs, fixed lights piles of crap etc. fiexed the t.v. so I had a place to hide. I got no help and her little boy NEVER went down there, I put an H.O. train down there and as soon as it was done, I couldn't go down because her little boy was always there. I took all the stuff put it in boxes and said screw it, he can go down and play, he quit going down. yes, @ 18 he still has "play dates" Her oldest son, we get along ok but he is almost as ridiculous, he would come back from his little college break and set while his mother done everything around the house and he and his little brother would be setting texting and playing video games while mom had 12 bags of groceries in her hands and they would never move to help and I would walk around the corner to grab the bags from her, she would tell them to go get the rest and they never moved and her or I would go get the rest. She drove about 200 miles to go get this gem one time and brought him AND his friend back, she wanted him to read a book with her, he got pissed and made her drive them both back to his little college, OVER A BOOK!. He then defriended her on face book and told her he wasn't going to communicate with her anymore. I told her, yeah, until he wants something and what do you know?, he wanted something. The book is called "the 5 love languages", you read it, take little tests and it tells you how you perceive love, I do all 5 for my little sweetie, her kids at the time didn't get any, ALL THREE PUT TOGETHER!! NON, NADA, ZILCH!! Her daughter, we got along at first. My sweetie and I were talking about helping her get a car because her husband worked a shift 4 hours off of her schedule so one or the other had to mess around in town for 4 hours early and the other late, my wife hired her to work in the home business where she promptly showed up and went home when she felt like it, would show up, dig around in the fridge then sleep for a few hours and watch "glee" on the laptop because she wasn't going to do anything UNLESS her mother was right beside her doing the same thing. YES, she wanted to be an equal and not a subordinate, either as a mother/ daughter or employer/employee. (her son is the same in most cases) We decided she lost her shot at the car so she started to dislike me because of HER actions. WE, went away for a few days to get married and she apparently sat there (in my wife's house) and talked crap about me the whole time because she didn't get the car and when we got back, we were met with, "what are you doing here" and "oh, you're back huh", they didn't even get here a cupcake. My wife has been to a "family counselor" and told her a lot more of the story than you people are reading here and the counselor has agreed with me so often that my wife grits her teeth after she has made the visit. I see where some ask if I have any kids, my little girl graduated high school, joined the Army, went to Iraq for a year, came back and did 4 years of college, got married and now has a little one of her own. She done all this because she was taught to grow up and act like an adult, not hide behind her parents at every turn. I had epilepsy when I was young, and still acted like a productive member of society(pre teen though) my wife's son uses it as a crutch to keep from doing anything for other people. Yes, he takes out the garbage, after she tells him because he cant figure out that when you have to take the top off to put more in, it may need taken out. YES she has to tell him almost every time to get off the couch, go back in the kitchen and put a new bag in, YES she has to tell him to unload the dishwasher.... WAS YOUR HANDS FIRST, this is her great strides to make him an adult, the same house work that he used to say(while playing his little video games, "that's women's work" So, in a nutshell, before you women climb up my ass and do the opera, "its all the mans fault" crap, at least know the story behind all of this.


----------



## steve truckdriver

okay all you opra fans that just jump to the conclusion that it's the guys fault, lets do this. I am the husband in this conversation and have about 3 books worth of rebuttal but I will do this the easy way. My wife has a book, "The 5 love languages" , her three kids got none, zero, zilch. I got all 5 WITHOUT ever reading this book. After another long day of yard work (while her little boy spent yet another day of video games/texting in the a/c) I asked her, "if you three good friends (I will go with, "A", "R" and "R") treated you like your kids, would you keep them as friends?", in about 2 seconds she said, "no". Her son has seizures, yes but mostly when he don't take his meds and they are about a year apart now and the last one was because he didn't take his meds. her daughter took a 180 degree turn after we decided not to help her get a car, it was her actions that her mother and I AGREED not to help, not mine nor my wife. Her older son was visiting from his little college and got mad because my wife wanted him and the other two to read the love languages book and refused to so she had to take him right back to school the next day. (about 230 miles each way and he had a friend with him also) I could spend hours giving details of the whole story but, why waste my time, I feel like I am on maury provich and I am being drug out to see if I am "da babies daddy ". I was convicted before the trial. On one last note, my wife has went to a family counselor and she agrees with me so much my wife would just grit her teeth after being there because I would smile and ask, "so, how many times did she tell you the same thing I've been saying?" it is amazing how women all gather up to jump on the guy when they know not of what they speak.


----------



## Hicks

You married a woman with kids. When you do this, you have to accept their parenting of those kids. Whether you agree with it or not. It's not right to expect a mother to turn her back on her own child at the age of 18. If she is a decent person, she would never agree to this. You need to accept her even if you don't agree with how she rasies her child. Not all kids are hard workers. What you have to work out is a reasonable plan for him to leave the nest, which typically takes place after a kid graduates from college.


----------



## steve truckdriver

truth be told, before we got married it was simple, he graduates high school and when he goes to college, we go back to Texas. In her words, "he will just have to figure it out". the closer he gets to graduation, the more the story keeps changing. My little girl was in the Army @ 18, this boy don't have the titty popped out of his mouth even. ya, that probably offended you but I get that a lot.


----------



## PBear

So she doesn't do anything to show you she loves you? Why are you still there? 

C


----------



## steve truckdriver

yes she does, where did you come up with she doesn't do anything? I see you have 9000 posts, do you just roam this site and come up with things to reply to that were never said?


----------



## BurningHeart

It's always interesting to hear the "whole" story. Good for you, Steve. My only comment, and a hard lesson that I've learned is, you marry your wife, her kids and her ways. I thought I could change things- wrong, I figured she would move out at 18 as well, because she always threatened it- wrong, she finally did move out at 23, after she had a baby girl & just now secured a full time job. She lives happily with her boyfriend, not the baby's daughter, but loves her as his own. My wife coddled her and still does, we watch our granddaughter more than we don't. She puts them ahead of our marriage, but I've learned to just make peace with it.


----------



## PBear

steve truckdriver said:


> yes she does, where did you come up with she doesn't do anything? I see you have 9000 posts, do you just roam this site and come up with things to reply to that were never said?


Guess I missed it in your "wall of text" posts. You've read the "5 love languages" , and said you do all 5. What is her primary love language? What is yours? Does she "speak" it to you to let you know you're loved? 

How long did you two date (while in the same city) before getting married? 

C


----------



## EleGirl

I'm a step parent so I've been through a lot of this. It was hard and I learned a lot that I wish was not true. My 2 step kids and my son are not all in their mid to late 20's.

It usually takes about 5 years for a blended family to operate like a family unit.

Children usually are not happy that their parent remarried. They did not chose the step parent and would prefer if the step parent would just disappear. This is normal.

For this reason, it's a really bad idea for a step parent to try to parent step children from the get go.

Your wife is the parent here. Not you. She has to do all the parenting. If you do not like her parenting, that is between the two of you and it has to be worked out between the two of you. 

I'm not a push over parent, not by a long shot. I did kick my two step kids out of the house after high school. It was not because of issues like chores and such. I did it because they both got into drugs and some bad behavior. They were brining hard core illegal drugs and low lives into our home. By that time I had been their step mother for 8 years. By that time I was the only mother they had. Their mother essentially abandoned them when they were young.

But I did not kick them out without their father being right there with him. If he had objected and he wanted to deal with trying to get them to clean up their act, I would not have kicked the kids out. 

I would have gone to live separately with my son as I will not allow the sort of dangerous behavior they were engaged in, in my home and around my son.

(My step daughter has cleaned up her act and is doing well now. My step son went on to the Army and Iraq. He has TBI and PTSD. So he's struggling.)

You have been married to your wife for a very short time. It seems that you expected her children to accept you as their father from the get go. That's not going to happen. They are most likely loyal to their father and not happy that he passed away and that their mother replaced him so quickly. I can understand their point of view.

Basically you sound like a gruff but good guy. By marrying her you took on a pretty tough situation. The kids are going to fight you tooth and nail for some time because you are not their father. This is what you are experiencing. 

I'm sorry that this is what it's like. But it's reality.

By the way, I don't watch Oprah. I doubt that many here do.


----------



## EleGirl

On another note. The Five Languages of Love are about romantic love. Not the relationship between a woman and her children. 

I would not expect a child to be paying attention to what their mother needs in the way of romance. She's their mother. So I'm not sure why you think that them only being able to guess (or come up with) 3 of her stance on the 5 as being somehow telling. 

The job of a child it to grow into an adult and become independent. Their job is not to meet their mother's needs. 

There is another two books that I think would help the two of you a lot: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs".


----------



## unbelievable

Sometimes, what seems cruel is the most compassionate path and what seems compassionate is the cruelest. 
My job, as a parent, is not to maintain a permanent nest for my adult offspring or satisfy their every whim. My job is to take helpless children and make productive, self-reliant, confident, socially well-adjusted adults who can survive in the real world. I see nothing kind about encouraging a college graduate to return home to resume their childhood status. The world will not tolerate disrespect or sloth so teaching or permitting either at home would be cruel. We have enough 30 something year olds who can't manage in the adult world. 
A teenager is certainly capable of helping out around the house, certainly capable of treating their parent with respect, certainly capable of keeping their word. If these kids behaved as part of a family, I have little doubt that the OP's husband would enjoy their company and his home would be their's. Nobody likes to be exploited and nobody with a heart wants to see their spouse exploited...not even by her own offspring. 
This isn't about who likes who. That's an emotional argument. Rationally, it isn't good for a teenager or a young adult to have no responsibilities and no consequences for their choices. Folks have seizures and a variety of other challenges. Wouldn't it be far kinder to teach this kid to work through or around his challenges to fulfill his obligations? His future employer will expect that. His wife, his mortgage company, his kids, and everyone else who will depend on him will expect that. Now is the time to teach him. No fairy is going to whack him with the "adult" wand when he gets his college diploma. He'll either get a decent character and work ethic from his parents or he won't get it. 
My son would have been content to live in my basement until he was 80. I had to shove him out the door and I had to swallow a lot of parental instinct to do it. It was the best gift I ever gave him. He owns his own home, his own business. He was a child and now he's an adult he can be proud of. To rob him of that would be the ultimate cruelty. Birds don't shove their young out of the nest because they don't care. They do so because they do care. No one becomes a man by slurping on a sugar nipple. 
From age 5 on, everyone who lives under the same roof with other humans needs to learn to pitch in and share the work as their abilities permit. I cannot ever remember playing while my mom or my dad worked around the home. I lived there, too. I didn't let my kids sit on their wazoo while their mother slaved in the yard. I surely wouldn't have permitted it when they were teenagers or young adults. By that age, I would hope they would be too ashamed to. Someone needs to transform these children into adults and if the OP is queasy about doing so, God bless her for finding a man that will. I'd probably let junior come home from college on his breaks but he'd be coming home as a man and not as a child. He'd work when the rest of us worked and he'd play when the rest of us played. An irresponsible child with a college degree is pretty useless. There's no point in sending him to college if he's not also getting the requisite character education he'll need to put that education to use.


----------



## tacoma

steve truckdriver said:


> okay all you opra fans that just jump to the conclusion that it's the guys fault, lets do this....... it is amazing how women all gather up to jump on the guy when they know not of what they speak.


Steve,

I could swear you are me 3-4 years ago man.
It's the reason I first came to this site.

I'm a sympathetic ear if you ever come back to this site and these posts weren't just a rage drive-by after discovering your wifes posts.

If you do come back please break up that text with some paragraphs (thinking that was part of the rage drive-by)

My wife mothered exactly like yours, some of the "EXACT" events you wrote in your first post could have been written by me.

My wife did this due to divorce guilt and the fact that she wasn't a very good mother in their early years.
Your wife sounds like she may be doing this due to the death of their father...another kind of guilt but same motivator.

My eventual d-day (day I kicked him out) with all this came after years of trying to get the kid to do something...ANYTHING.
My main emotional motivator was not because I disliked her son (I did come to dislike him but it was because of this not my motivation for it),my main motivation was the fact that he simply wasn't going to survive in the world.

She was causing him imeasurable/irrepairable harm that would (and has proven to ) harm his quality of life forever.

I'd like to see you post again Steve.

Good luck.


----------



## Happilymarried25

Doesn't anyone know how to use paragraphs? I still stand by what I say. I also agree that the step parent shouldn't be involved in disciplining their step children, that should be the biological parents job. The children will never think of you as a parent.

Second marriages with minor children have a 70% divorce rate mainly because of the conflicts between the children and step parent. It sounds like your marriage has lasted because you are out of town a lot for your job (that's what she said). If you want your marriage to last just be a good husband to your wife (like it sounds like you are)and let her be the parent. A Mom should never let a man become between her and her children.


----------



## tacoma

Happilymarried25 said:


> Doesn't anyone know how to use paragraphs? I still stand by what I say. I also agree that the step parent shouldn't be involved in disciplining their step children, that should be the biological parents job. The children will never think of you as a parent.
> 
> Second marriages with minor children have a 70% divorce rate mainly because of the conflicts between the children and step parent. It sounds like your marriage has lasted because you are out of town a lot for your job (that's what she said). If you want your marriage to last just be a good husband to your wife (like it sounds like you are)and let her be the parent. A Mom should never let a man become between her and her children.


The way she parents her kids has a direct effect on his life in nearly every way home, job, retirement, marriage, quality of life.

While I'm a strong advocate of step-parent disengagment I am not an advocate of sacrificing my own ass for an entitled teenager when doing so actually hurts the teenager more than anyone involved.


----------



## tacoma

PBear said:


> So she doesn't do anything to show you she loves you? Why are you still there?
> 
> C


I'm quite sure she shows him she loves him often.

She may be the best woman he's ever known.

The disrespect of him may very well be completely limited to the context of their kids entirely.

They may still get along like best friends, have frequent intimate sex, she may treat him with the same selflessness she treats her kids but they just can't get on the same page about her kids due to some self-delusion on her part caused by some type of trauma concerning her kids (divorce/death/parenting).

She may have an irreversable blindspot concerning them.

I'm making so many assumptions here because this is the experience I had in steves shoes.
I'm wondering if any of what I'm saying might ring true for him.


----------



## BurningHeart

Happilymarried25 said:


> Doesn't anyone know how to use paragraphs? I still stand by what I say. I also agree that the step parent shouldn't be involved in disciplining their step children, that should be the biological parents job. The children will never think of you as a parent.
> 
> Second marriages with minor children have a 70% divorce rate mainly because of the conflicts between the children and step parent. It sounds like your marriage has lasted because you are out of town a lot for your job (that's what she said). If you want your marriage to last just be a good husband to your wife (like it sounds like you are)and let her be the parent. A Mom should never let a man become between her and her children.


This is so true, but I was one of the foolish ones that bought into the whole "we can be a family" idea. I even taught my stepdaughter early on that the only steps in our house lead to the basement or upstairs, she always referred to me as her dad and I her daughter. Of course that didn't change the dynamic of me having to set on the sidelines while she demoralized my wife daily, as well as treat me like crap as well.
I should have seen the writing on the wall early on and not married her, but nearly 20 years later I'm getting Deja vu, now with my granddaughter. Gotta love it.


----------



## arbitrator

*I think that your new hubby is being an absolute jerk, ardently displaying that he is no "family man!" I feel so certain that if the boys Dad could come back from the grave, that he'd literally whip your new H's butt so much over this, that he make it look like stripes on a barber's pole!

What has your son done to offend him? I'd venture to say not a damned thing!It's all relative to his selfishness!

I know that when I married my rich, skanky XW, that when I first met her three kids, I thought that they were just great kids! That was up until they turned into Goth's, started smoking pot, meth, and crack, started stealing things from the home, got busted for possession with intent to deliver, plead out to avoid trial, and served time in the county lockup, and was totally unrepentent about what they'd done. Served their time and came back home to start anew with running with a new set of dopeheads! Would smoke dope in our home while on probation, with Mama providing them with cash to go get their next hit and gas for their cars to go and pick it up! Don't think that I didn't think of calling the county to come out and rebust them ~I did!

I told my XW that they needed to get their lousy dope-ridden asses out of there as I didn't want them having that crap around there when my boys were there. Fact is, I came to absolutely loathe them, and them me;as the youngest one, her daughter cussed me out with words that would make a sailor blush! They were totally despicable!

I am only using this as an illustration for contrast between my XW's renegades and your son, who through no fault of his own, is being hastened away fromhis home! Bless his heart, your son hasn't done anything wrong other than being most unfortunate to have a jerk for a stepdad!

My mindset tells me that your son should stay, and if there's a community college in your vicinity, that that's where he needs to enroll. He can get scholarships there for his disability which will help out greatly.

But it's just too damn bad thay your son is using all of his faculties in a most constructive way for both himself and the family, while your jerk of a new husband is doing nothing more than being devisive by obviousakly having it in for your son because of his disability!

I'd convey to your new H that if any moving van is going to move anyone out of your home, then it will be his fat butt that will be making the trip!

Best of luck to you my dear! I'll be praying for both you and your son!*


----------



## Mycrush

Well I have to say that what hubby has said is true and through his eyes some things look pretty bad. Especially the "Wench make me a sandwich" that was a joke thing my son and I would do, it honestly wasn't meant in disrespect. His seizures up till they got under control were not due to lack of taking his meds. Yes the last seizure was but before that wasn't.

This is tough because he is the perfect husband. He's attentive, he cooks, cleans, he buys me flowers every month, trinkets if he sees something that reminds him of me. He puts me on pedestal and maybe that is the hard part he thinks my children should do the same. It wasn't at all like that in my first marriage, the kids weren't raised seeing that.

I love my husband dearly, I have for as long as I can remember. I love my kids dearly as well and now to find the common ground between the two where I can be Mom how I want, finally, and the wife he wants.

To answer the finally is I mostly had to raise my kids the way my former mother-in-law dictated. I hated that, no matter what I did it was wrong. 

Thanks for all the replies and prayers they are appreciated.


----------



## BurningHeart

You have repeatedly told of how well your husband treats you, but how well do you treat him? Unfortunately most stepfamilies become two families, you and your kids and you and your husband. I realized this pretty quickly, but still hung around hoping things would change, but they didn't. My wife has always been loving and caring toward me, but I was always lower on the totem pole than her daughter and now granddaughter and for a husband, that sucks.
When you are a husband in a "family" and you have to set and watch kids demoralize their mother daily and you become helpless to stop it, it emasculates you in a hurry. You begin to feel more like a brother instead of a husband. I used to make the mistake of engaging in screaming matches with my stepdaughter because she was about as disrespectful as they come and it always became my fault for upsetting her, so finally I got the hint and butted completely out. I had to leave a lot to not be around them because it drove me insane. I can see where your husband is coming from. My wife never made her daughter do much of anything & was always there to clean up all her messes. I've always tried to help her grow up, but usually to no avail.
I guess my point is, the defining point if your marriage will last or not will depend on how much your husband can sit on the sidelines. I did it and am doing it again with our granddaughter, but honestly if I knew how the story would have played out, I wouldn't have married her. It goes against being a man to live this way. Just nearly two decades in and 50 years old, I've just gone numb to it.


----------



## Mr. Nail

Happilymarried25 said:


> Husbands come and go


WTF?


----------



## Anonymous07

Mycrush said:


> Well I have to say that what hubby has said is true and through his eyes some things look pretty bad. Especially the "Wench make me a sandwich" that was a joke thing my son and I would do, it honestly wasn't meant in disrespect. His seizures up till they got under control were not due to lack of taking his meds. Yes the last seizure was but before that wasn't.
> 
> This is tough because he is the perfect husband. He's attentive, he cooks, cleans, he buys me flowers every month, trinkets if he sees something that reminds him of me. He puts me on pedestal and maybe that is the hard part he thinks my children should do the same. It wasn't at all like that in my first marriage, the kids weren't raised seeing that.
> 
> I love my husband dearly, I have for as long as I can remember. I love my kids dearly as well and now to find the common ground between the two where I can be Mom how I want, finally, and the wife he wants.
> 
> To answer the finally is I mostly had to raise my kids the way my former mother-in-law dictated. I hated that, no matter what I did it was wrong.
> 
> Thanks for all the replies and prayers they are appreciated.


I think you are both messing up in different ways. 

First off, your husband needs to step back and realize that he can't just jump into the father role. It will take years before you really become a true blended family, and you need to be the one who does the parenting. It's not his place to parent your children. The kids will not see him as "dad" for quite some time, if they ever do. 

Second, you need to start putting rules into place and sticking by them. Your son can step up and help out more with chores. If he can't do that, then there has to be consequences. I understand health issues, as I live with a rare medical condition myself, but it's not an excuse to do almost nothing. He can do more than just taking out the trash, but you need to be the one who sets and enforces those new rules. Discuss with your husband what chores would be appropriate for him to do and then let your son know the new expectations. 

Also, don't blame your MIL for how you chose to raise your kids. She didn't force you to act as you did, as you had every chance to stick up for yourself and parent how you wanted. You need to take responsibility for the choices you made in how you raised your children. 

As for kicking him out when he goes to college - I wouldn't do that. Most would expect their kids to come back during breaks.


----------



## Yeswecan

happy as a clam said:


> I think your husband sounds nutty. NO ONE expects their kids to not come home from college during breaks, summers, holidays. At least no one who is reasonable.
> 
> Tell your husband to rent an apartment for himself to stay in when your son is home for college. See how he likes them apples.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



^^^^^Best answer. I mean really, a few weeks your son is home and your H can not work it out? Who is the child here?


----------



## Blondilocks

OP, you're not doing your son any favors by babying him. Do you think a future employer will allow him to get away with lip service? Since your son refuses to help your husband with things around the house, it is your responsibility to see to it that your son helps. 

The example your husband gave where son did not help outside and then jumped up to go with grandma would have been a prime opportunity to tell son that if he were too sick to help, he was too sick to go with grandma. 

Many people who suffer with epilepsy lead normal lives - your son needs to learn this. He can't use epilepsy as an excuse for the rest of his life.

You no longer have to be the mother that your mother-in-law trained you to be. Maybe your son would enjoy living with her?


----------



## Wolf1974

Happilymarried25 said:


> Doesn't anyone know how to use paragraphs? I still stand by what I say. I also agree that the step parent shouldn't be involved in disciplining their step children, that should be the biological parents job. The children will never think of you as a parent.
> 
> Second marriages with minor children have a 70% divorce rate mainly because of the conflicts between the children and step parent. It sounds like your marriage has lasted because you are out of town a lot for your job (that's what she said). If you want your marriage to last just be a good husband to your wife (like it sounds like you are)and let her be the parent. A Mom should never let a man become between her and her children.


The more I read these horror stories on here and what i have experienced in my own situation with my GF and her son the more i am becoming convinced that if I were to ever marry again it would be after ALL kids are up and out of the house permanently.


----------



## BurningHeart

Wolf1974 said:


> The more I read these horror stories on here and what i have experienced in my own situation with my GF and her son the more i am becoming convinced that if I were to ever marry again it would be after ALL kids are up and out of the house permanently.


I feel for all of the guys that are over 21 and not married yet. Good luck finding a girl, without a kid. I think Facebook has a competition on who can get pregnant the youngest & post the most baby pics. I'll never understand it?


----------



## Wolf1974

BurningHeart said:


> I feel for all of the guys that are over 21 and not married yet. Good luck finding a girl, without a kid. I think Facebook has a competition on who can get pregnant the youngest & post the most baby pics. I'll never understand it?


Me either but is different times we live in. I went to school in the 90's and it was still considered bad to be a teenage parent. Now it seems the in thing to achieve


----------



## frusdil

Wolf1974 said:


> The more I read these horror stories on here and what i have experienced in my own situation with my GF and her son the more i am becoming convinced that if I were to ever marry again it would be after ALL kids are up and out of the house permanently.


Are you still having issues with your gf not wanting you to parent her son Wolf? That's such a shame...I hope you resolve it soon. You're a good guy, you should be married, lol.


----------



## soccermom2three

BurningHeart said:


> I feel for all of the guys that are over 21 and not married yet. Good luck finding a girl, without a kid. I think Facebook has a competition on who can get pregnant the youngest & post the most baby pics. I'll never understand it?


Where do you live and who do hang out with? :scratchhead:


----------



## Wolf1974

frusdil said:


> Are you still having issues with your gf not wanting you to parent her son Wolf? That's such a shame...I hope you resolve it soon. You're a good guy, you should be married, lol.


Well thank you for the compliment 

Yeah it's still of issue.. I have come to the conclusion we have some different communication styles and that needs to be resolved if we can move forward. I am hopeful we can. She has done the single mother thing for so long anyone wanting to help will seem foreign so I am being patient and no pressure. Will see how things develop


----------



## EleGirl

BurningHeart said:


> I feel for all of the guys that are over 21 and not married yet. Good luck finding a girl, without a kid. I think Facebook has a competition on who can get pregnant the youngest & post the most baby pics. I'll never understand it?


"Girls" who have babies did not make those babies all on their own. Those poor 21 and up boys you feel so sorry for are the baby-daddies.


----------



## EleGirl

Wolf1974 said:


> Me either but is different times we live in. I went to school in the 90's and it was still considered bad to be a teenage parent. Now it seems the in thing to achieve



According to the CDC, you are wrong. Teen pregnancies are down by over 20% since the 1990's. 

"In 2012, a total of 305,388 babies were born to women aged 15–19 years, for a live birth rate of 29.4 per 1,000 women in this age group.1 This is a record low for U.S. teens in this age group, and a drop of 6% from 2011. Birth rates fell 8% for women aged 15–17 years, and 5% for women aged 18–19 years. While reasons for the declines are not clear, teens seem to be less sexually active, and more of those who are sexually active seem to be using birth control than in previous years."


CDC - About Teen Pregnancy - Teen Pregnancy - Reproductive Health

I don't get the apparent need of some here to trash women at every chance they get.


----------



## Basic"FairyDust"Love

BurningHeart said:


> It's always interesting to hear the "whole" story. Good for you, Steve. My only comment, and a hard lesson that I've learned is, you marry your wife, her kids and her ways. I thought I could change things- wrong, I figured she would move out at 18 as well, because she always threatened it- wrong, she finally did move out at 23, after she had a baby girl & just now secured a full time job. She lives happily with her boyfriend, not the baby's daughter, but loves her as his own. My wife coddled her and still does, we watch our granddaughter more than we don't. She puts them ahead of our marriage, but I've learned to just make peace with it.


What's wrong with this exactly? 23 is only 5 years older than 18 and 23 is still very young. 18 is such an arbitrary number age that is really meaningless because everyone is an individual on a different path. Why should kids be kicked to the curbed just because they turned 18? 18 is not some magical number. Things don't just instantly change once becoming that age.


----------



## Blondilocks

In many ways, 18 is a magical age. The law considers them adults who may vote, serve in the military, marry without parental consent, engage in binding contracts and drink alcohol if their state permits. They are not required to remain under their parents' roof and indeed do not have to do a thing a parent asks. 

Yeah, 18 is pretty special to a kid. The problem arises when the parent has not raised a child to realize that they will be considered an adult at age 18 and must be prepared to behave as one.


----------



## Basic"FairyDust"Love

Blondilocks said:


> In many ways, 18 is a magical age. The law considers them adults who may vote, serve in the military, marry without parental consent, engage in binding contracts and drink alcohol if their state permits. They are not required to remain under their parents' roof and indeed do not have to do a thing a parent asks.


Just because these things are legally allowed at 18 doesn't mean that every 18 year old is ready or even wants to do them. So again 18 isn't a magical number.



Blondilocks said:


> Yeah, 18 is pretty special to a kid. The problem arises when the parent has not raised a child to realize that they will be considered an adult at age 18 and must be prepared to behave as one.


Not every 18 year old is ready to leave home and not always because of the parents. Being 18 isn't necessarily special for everyone.


----------



## Thundarr

Mycrush, I'm disappointed at the knee jerk advice your getting because it's not going to help you. Hopefully your husband said that out of frustration from the environment. Fortunately you're the one person who can change the environment because you're in the middle of this.

Here are a few things you said;



> and honestly my kids have never been ones to help. Hubby keeps bringing up cleaning up the yard without any help while my son sat on his rear.





> I'm sure I do baby him because of everything he's been through, the seizures, his Dad dying, the effects of the medication, can't help it he's been through a lot and he is a good kid.





> I waited on everyone hand and foot in my 1st marriage and now hubby thinks I should be the one waited on. I did have surgery recently because of overdoing so have to rely on help and I don't really get it till hubby is home.





> Well I have to say that what hubby has said is true and through his eyes some things look pretty bad. Especially the "Wench make me a sandwich" that was a joke thing my son and I would do, it honestly wasn't meant in disrespect.
> 
> This is tough because he is the perfect husband. He's attentive, he cooks, cleans, he buys me flowers every month, trinkets if he sees something that reminds him of me. He puts me on pedestal and maybe that is the hard part he thinks my children should do the same. It wasn't at all like that in my first marriage, the kids weren't raised seeing that.
> 
> I love my husband dearly, I have for as long as I can remember. I love my kids dearly as well and now to find the common ground between the two where I can be Mom how I want, finally, and the wife he wants.



If I were your husband that dynamic would make me feel very helpless and resentful at you for not stepping up and doing the things that the biological parent is supposed to do rather than the step. Just for perspective of where I'm coming from. I love my step son as I do my biological kids and I love my wife more than anything. But there came a point when I had to make my step son move out because he was 21 and was just not getting anywhere in life. We were crippling him but his mother didn't think so. I was fully aware that my wife may not be able to handle that decision but in my mind I was protecting him from her. This is the only thing that I truly resent my wife for over the years. That I was forced to do what was right because she wasn't emotionally strong enough to do it. 

IMO your husband is going to have to back off of his stance a little bit but you're going to have to do your part as well. This didn't happen in a vaccumn overnight and there's not a single bad guy here. You guys are both creating this problem.


----------



## Blondilocks

Kids aren't prepared for a lot of things at different ages. Lots of kids aren't prepared to start kindergarten at 5, but unless you're going to homeschool them you need to get them enrolled in school.

There's no question that a lot of kids are not prepared to be an adult at age 18. Their fault, parents fault, nobody's fault - whatever. It doesn't alter the fact that in the eyes of the law they are an adult. 

At some point, it has to be accepted they will need to mature and step into the role of an adult. Preparing them for this as soon as they enter high school is a good starting point.


----------



## tacoma

Thundarr said:


> But there came a point when I had to make my step son move out because he was 21 and was just not getting anywhere in life. We were crippling him but his mother didn't think so. * I was fully aware that my wife may not be able to handle that decision but in my mind I was protecting him from her. * This is the only thing that I truly resent my wife for over the years. That I was forced to do what was right because she wasn't emotionally strong enough to do it.


This, this is the thing no ones gets about my own situation which sounds exactly like yours Thundarr.

She ruined that kid, his life will never be secure because she ruined him.

I love her but still resent her so much for that and she'll never understand why...never.


----------



## Thundarr

tacoma said:


> This, this is the thing no ones gets about my own situation which sounds exactly like yours Thundarr.
> 
> She ruined that kid, his life will never be secure because she ruined him.
> 
> I love her but still resent her so much for that and she'll never understand why...never.


It's difficult to avoid jumping into protection mode too quickly when our kids are involved but we've got to do it because it's their future at stake. I think it's the same protective instinct that gets outrage on threads like this as well. My experience is different from OP's husband because I raised my step son from 6 years and was not about to accept judgement about not caring about him. I still felt extremely trapped in my own home and it's not a good feeling. I was prepared to let my wife make her choice about our marriage because mine choice about our son living with us at that time was already made and there was no compromise left. By the way he's 26 now and is doing really good.

OP's situation is unique so my perspective is just something for her to think about if she thinks it applies.


----------



## frusdil

Wolf1974 said:


> Well thank you for the compliment
> 
> Yeah it's still of issue.. I have come to the conclusion we have some different communication styles and that needs to be resolved if we can move forward. I am hopeful we can. She has done the single mother thing for so long anyone wanting to help will seem foreign so I am being patient and no pressure. Will see how things develop


I really hope you can - I'm glad you're hopeful that you can  The two of you need to sit down and negotiate one set of rules for all the kids. Then you both need to be able to enforce them.

Blended families often fail to see that there has to be one set of rules for all the kids - not one set for mum's kids and one set for dad's. That will never work. One set for everyone is much fairer and easier to enforce.

Do you think speaking to someone who specialises in blended families would be a good way to go? It might help your girlfriend see that the two of you must be a united front.


----------



## DTO

soccermom2three said:


> Where does your husband think your son should go during breaks? Just stay on an empty campus?


What about summer?

I cannot fathom how someone can treat a kid with needs this way. I could see if the kid was dangerous or seriously rude, but not here.

Is it possible that your H does not feel the attention he devotes to you is appreciated? If he treats you personally like gold and you just say "thank you" before running off to dote on your son, I can see where he would be upset. You should give back what you get and need to balance your mothering instinct with your husband's needs.

Ultimately, you need to remind your husband that your son and you are a package deal and it's not really practical for him to find some other place to be for three months a year. At the same time, if you've been neglecting your H, own it, apologize, and do better.


----------



## EleGirl

Thundarr said:


> But there came a point when I had to make my step son move out because he was 21 and was just not getting anywhere in life.


How long had you been his step parent before this happened?


----------



## Thundarr

EleGirl said:


> How long had you been his step parent before this happened?


He was six when we started dating so I our situation is not same as the OP's but it's something I hope she considers because if he loves her then he wants her to be treated with respect. I'm not sure of the majic number of years before a step parent has credibility but from my own experience, I was attached to the well being of my step son very soon yet I had little room to have an opinion that wasn't seen as some kind of me versus him type of deal. Anyone who's had a step parent or who's been one can attest to it being a difficult thing to navigate. At the end of the day good intention and selfish intention is probably transparent. Maybe OP is the only one who can determine if her husband has good or bad intention?


----------



## EleGirl

Thundarr said:


> He was six when we started dating so I our situation is not same as the OP's but it's something I hope she considers because if he loves her then he wants her to be treated with respect. I'm not sure of the majic number of years before a step parent has credibility but from my own experience, I was attached to the well being of my step son very soon yet I had little room to have an opinion that wasn't seen as some kind of me versus him type of deal. Anyone who's had a step parent or who's been one can attest to it being a difficult thing to navigate. At the end of the day good intention and selfish intention is probably transparent. Maybe OP is the only one who can determine if her husband has good or bad intention?


I have been told that it takes about 5 years for a blended family to operate like a FOO. This is further complicated if the children are older. Many older kids never accept their step parent as a parent. They are grown before that 5 year period is reached.


----------



## Basic"FairyDust"Love

Blondilocks said:


> Kids aren't prepared for a lot of things at different ages. Lots of kids aren't prepared to start kindergarten at 5, but unless you're going to homeschool them you need to get them enrolled in school.
> 
> There's no question that a lot of kids are not prepared to be an adult at age 18. Their fault, parents fault, nobody's fault - whatever. It doesn't alter the fact that in the eyes of the law they are an adult.
> 
> At some point, it has to be accepted they will need to mature and step into the role of an adult. Preparing them for this as soon as they enter high school is a good starting point.


Having to be enrolled in school through 12th grade is a law but having to move out of your parents house at 18 or ever is not a law.


----------



## Yeswecan

Basic"FairyDust"Love said:


> Having to be enrolled in school through 12th grade is a law but having to move out of your parents house at 18 or ever is not a law.


Changing the locks is not against the law either.


----------



## tacoma

EleGirl said:


> How long had you been his step parent before this happened?


Thundarr said above he had been with the boy since he was 6.

Which by the way is pretty much the exact timeline of my situation...6-21


----------



## Basic"FairyDust"Love

Yeswecan said:


> Changing the locks is not against the law either.


No loving parent is going to change the locks on their normal behavior child just because they turned 18 and graduated high school.

The original poster stepfather of this thread is just being overly selfish and wants his wife all to himself. I doubt that is going to happen and he should have thought of that before he married a mother. She was someone's mother before he married her. I bet he would feel differently if the son he is complaining about was biologically his.


----------



## Thundarr

tacoma said:


> This, this is the thing no ones gets about my own situation which sounds exactly like yours Thundarr.
> 
> She ruined that kid, his life will never be secure because she ruined him.
> 
> I love her but still resent her so much for that and she'll never understand why...never.


Yep. Biological parents are given the benefit of the doubt regarding caring when they differ in parenting styles from the other parent; even when they are crappy parents who don't deserve it. Step parents on the other hand have to fight through suspicion constantly. Any input that can be percived as negative turns into the biological parent switching into protection mode. Maybe that the reality in a lot of cases but there came a day when I was no longer willing to tolerate it.


----------



## Basic"FairyDust"Love

Thundarr said:


> Yep. Biological parents are given the benefit of the doubt regarding caring when they differ in parenting styles from the other parent; even when they are crappy parents who don't deserve it. Step parents on the other hand have to fight through suspicion constantly. Any input that can be percived as negative turns into the biological parent switching into protection mode. Maybe that the reality in a lot of cases but there came a day when I was no longer willing to tolerate it.


That's the chance a person takes when taking on children that are not biologically or legally theirs.


----------



## john117

Kick him out. The husband I mean.

I have two daughters in college and would not consider limiting their time with us. 18 or 28.

My younger is a 3 hour flight away and now it looks the older will be going to school 3 time zones away . Absolutely no way I am going to pull anything like that on them.


----------



## Thundarr

Basic"FairyDust"Love said:


> That's the chance a person takes when taking on children that are not biologically or legally theirs.


It's actually the way it has to be for a long time. Certainly in OP and her husband's case where they haven't been together that long plus the kids were already older when they married. My comment was a little off topic.


----------



## Basic"FairyDust"Love

Thundarr said:


> It's actually the way it has to be for a long time. Certainly in OP and her husband's case where they haven't been together that long plus the kids were already older when they married. My comment was a little off topic.


Since your situation is different from the OP's then why did you make the comments that you did? Also, since your stepson is doing okay then what exactly is the problem?


----------



## tacoma

Basic"FairyDust"Love said:


> Since your situation is different from the OP's then why did you make the comments that you did?


Because it isn't entirely different.

Thundarrs experience is valid and in many ways unique when one considers our "what about da childrens?!!" societal standpoint.

The evil step-dad/mom isn't always wrong and considering that point of view could give the OP a more balanced perspective as to where her husband is coming from.

He most likely isn't being an "evil stepdad", it's more likely he cares for the child and is just being pragmatic about the childs long term well being being aversely affected by OP's potential enabling.

OP herself has now admitted she can see the rationale in some of what her husband has done.



> Also, since your stepson is doing okay then what exactly is the problem?


The problem is that if Thundarr hadn't taken the tough love approached even against his wifes wishes and at the cost of harming his marriage the kid would probably NOT be doing ok.


----------



## Thundarr

Basic"FairyDust"Love said:


> Since your situation is different from the OP's then why did you make the comments that you did? Also, since your stepson is doing okay then what exactly is the problem?


I think you're looking for an argument and cherry picking. Perspective from a step parent's point of view seems pretty helpful since MyCrush is conflicted. As tacoma has pointed out, we're not bridge trolls making evil plans to destroy our families. Even early on this was the case for me. So to requote myself, here's why I'm commenting.


Thundarr said:


> OP's situation is unique so my perspective is just something for her to think about if she thinks it applies.


----------



## Wolfman1968

I think the difference in your parenting styles is destroying your marriage.

Despite the posts in this thread that vilify your husband, I don't think he is wrong about his approach--many parents do take that "tough love"/independence at 18 approach, but many parents do not. However, either way, it won't work unless you also agree with it. Otherwise it just causes discord in the marriage.

When someone marries a person with minor children, they are not just marrying one person--they are joining together families.

Some people do not belong together as a couple--it doesn't mean one is wrong, or that one is better than the other, it just means they are too different to be compatible. In a similar vein, some families are too different to join together.

I think that applies to you here. Even after the kids are grown and out of the house, the family dynamic is still likely to cause issues in your marriage.


----------



## Basic"FairyDust"Love

tacoma said:


> Because it isn't entirely different.
> 
> Thundarrs experience is valid and in many ways unique when one considers our "what about da childrens?!!" societal standpoint.
> 
> The evil step-dad/mom isn't always wrong and considering that point of view could give the OP a more balanced perspective as to where her husband is coming from.
> 
> He most likely isn't being an "evil stepdad", it's more likely he cares for the child and is just being pragmatic about the childs long term well being being aversely affected by OP's potential enabling.
> 
> OP herself has now admitted she can see the rationale in some of what her husband has done.
> 
> 
> 
> The problem is that if Thundarr hadn't taken the tough love approached even against his wifes wishes and at the cost of harming his marriage the kid would probably NOT be doing ok.





Thundarr said:


> I think you're looking for an argument and cherry picking. Perspective from a step parent's point of view seems pretty helpful since MyCrush is conflicted. As tacoma has pointed out, we're not bridge trolls making evil plans to destroy our families. Even early on this was the case for me. So to requote myself, here's why I'm commenting.


Both of you come off very defensive. I didn't say or read on this thread about anyone calling a stepparent evil.


----------



## tacoma

Basic"FairyDust"Love said:


> Both of you come off very defensive. I didn't say or read on this thread about anyone calling a stepparent evil.


No one said you did.

The idea that the bio parent always knows what's best for a kid and any step parent action that goes against that idea is self centered and anti-kid is pretty common and even present in this thread.

It is something that always has to be dealt with in these situations.

Mentioning it just accounts for this in any decision made to allieviate the situation.
It's presence can't be ignored.


----------



## Thundarr

Basic"FairyDust"Love said:


> Both of you come off very defensive. I didn't say or read on this thread about anyone calling a stepparent evil.


Maybe you should re-read the exchange.


----------



## tacoma

It's a shame OP and her husband are gone.

There are quite a few people here who have lived through this.

Think we could help them.


----------

