# Having kids



## Mil3s (Sep 29, 2016)

Hi. At what point do financial considerations trump the desire to have children?


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

When you cant afford to have them.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Need more information from you. 

In general, if you are just scraping by, no money left at the end of the month, and you have no kids, then having one is not a good idea. Child care in particular is a huge expense.


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

That's a very tough call... More details please


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## Capricious (Sep 21, 2016)

Do you already have kids?


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

Capricious said:


> Do you already have kids?



Me? Yes I do .. One boy


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

GreyEcho said:


> Me? Yes I do .. One boy


What is with this poster?

Odd.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

caruso said:


> When you cant afford to have them.


 (If you are asking this question, most likely you can't afford it)

Consider it this way (rough):

Daycare $400/month/child
Food $25/week/child
Diapers $30/month/child
Clothes $60/month/child
------------------
$590/month/child

That's just essentials, not including other activities, doctor visits, strollers, ect.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The answer to your question is going to depend entirely on your particular situation. If you are living out of your car then I would say you probably shouldn't have kids. But if you're barely able to afford your monthly Hawaiian vacation, then I'd say you need to reassess your priorities.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Before having kids, have are realistic idea of what your life will be like with kids - time, money, etc. Kids are an enormous change in your life. 

If either partner does not think that life is better than you current life, then you should not have kids.


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## Mil3s (Sep 29, 2016)

Thanks for the replies.

Not scraping by, but loaded with debt and living in a small 1 bedroom apartment. we're both middle-aged, no kids. wife doesn't seem too concerned with that. She wants to keep trying and figures "it'll all work itself out" somehow. 

I see a recipe for disaster and stress heaped upon an already stressful and expensive life change. But any attempt to say 'no' now, when the fertility window is all but closed, carries the real risk that I'll be blamed for us/she not ever having had any children. We've been together 3 years, by the way. 

I'm really not insensitive to her potential disappointment, but I do wonder if she shouldn't also be giving some thought to the financial strain we face at this point should we get pregnant in the next few months.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I know its difficult but you REALLY need to sit down and discuss this with her. This is a decision you never get to undo - one way or the other. 

Having been raised by a father who clearly never wanted me - I'll ask you to be sure you never wind up doing that to a child. If you are not enthusiastically on board with having children, with all the effort, expense etc it takes, then please don't. 





Mil3s said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> Not scraping by, but loaded with debt and living in a small 1 bedroom apartment. we're both middle-aged, no kids. wife doesn't seem too concerned with that. She wants to keep trying and figures "it'll all work itself out" somehow.
> 
> ...


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Well the other school of thought is that you should just have kids and things will work themselves out.

Given the cost of raising a child through adulthood is now estimated at about $200k and don't even think about college expenses, that school of thought might be somewhat reckless. 

Sure, you could be blamed, you could be divorced, but that might be better than being strapped with child support payments on top of an already limited budget when the stress of raising children with limited finances causes your marriage to crash and burn.

If it was me I sure know what I wouldn't do.


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## Mil3s (Sep 29, 2016)

Point taken. There is, admittedly, a gap in enthusiasm between us. I'm on board, but wouldn't be crushed if it never happened. I'm in my mid-40s and figured it probably wouldn't happen, and was OK with that. But she has her heart set on it happening, even though she understands the chances are slimmer now because of our ages. 

I suppose at this point she just wants to keep trying indefinitely to make the most of her fertility window. I get that. I suppose I thought, from prior conversations, that she saw this as more of a casual goal, a sort of "let's try and if it happens, great' kind of a thing. It feels like now this is the highest priority, regardless of other factors (financial, my opinion). It feels less of a couple's decision and more about her need to continue pursuing this for many more months or years. 

And it feels like my only real option now is to go along and support her, or risk hurting her feelings and making her resentful toward me. As for my feelings and risk of resentment, I suppose that's just takes a backseat, too.


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## Mil3s (Sep 29, 2016)

Caruso... so you're saying you'd just get a divorce now, rather than risk having a child?


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Mil3s said:


> Caruso... so you're saying you'd just get a divorce now, rather than risk having a child?


If I was in your shoes, I'd sit her down and tell her that as far as I am concerned, children are not and will not be on the table in the near future and there's a good chance that she'll be past her fertility window before the idea becomes feasible. 

She can either agree, and also agree not to hold this over your head for all eternity because it's a mutual agreement and she is being given an "out" if she so desires.. or she can find a guy who is ready willing and able to raise the family she dreams about but currently has no means of supporting. 

If she chooses the latter, then yes, I would divorce her. 

But of course from where I sit, way over here safe with a girlfriend with whom I will never have children because we've both been there and are done, it's an easy call for me to make.


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## Mil3s (Sep 29, 2016)

I appreciate the advice. I don't like to think it would come to divorce. But, unfortunately, I don't see how she wouldn't hold it over my head. I never thought I'd be dealing with these sorts of questions at my age.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Mil3s said:


> Point taken. There is, admittedly, a gap in enthusiasm between us. I'm on board, but wouldn't be crushed if it never happened. I'm in my mid-40s and figured it probably wouldn't happen, and was OK with that. But she has her heart set on it happening, even though she understands the chances are slimmer now because of our ages.
> 
> I suppose at this point she just wants to keep trying indefinitely to make the most of her fertility window. I get that. I suppose I thought, from prior conversations, that she saw this as more of a casual goal, a sort of "let's try and if it happens, great' kind of a thing. It feels like now this is the highest priority, regardless of other factors (financial, my opinion). It feels less of a couple's decision and more about her need to continue pursuing this for many more months or years.
> 
> And it feels like my only real option now is to go along and support her, or risk hurting her feelings and making her resentful toward me. As for my feelings and risk of resentment, I suppose that's just takes a backseat, too.


You are playing Russian Roulette. If you think your life is hard now, just wait until she gets pregnant, then try living in your car after she divorces you and starts collecting child support.

In other words, DON'T DO IT!!!!!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its a legitimately difficult situation. You will get lots of advice, but there really is no easy answer for what to do.


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## Mil3s (Sep 29, 2016)

Wonder what any women might think about this situation? Seems like the guys are mostly suggesting I don't buckle, even if it means divorce. Any women in these forums?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

​


Mil3s said:


> Wonder what any women might think about this situation? Seems like the guys are mostly suggesting I don't buckle, even if it means divorce. Any women in these forums?





> *but loaded with debt and living in a small 1 bedroom apartment. we're both middle-aged..*


 Given your ages, you said mid-40's...loaded with debt ...are you still renting at this point too?? 

Yes.. this will be heavily stressful financially speaking.. but I can see where she is coming from too! 

This is just not a good place to be.. . I think one of the smartest things younger people can do is be very careful with their spending ...start saving early.....don't allow debt to creep up on you... as much as you can, save...so the ability is there to buy those larger purchases - Houses, vehicles...with less bills every month...

With the normal college debt some are strapped with today...this is difficult for many unless they get decent jobs... I feel for your wife.. when a woman gets her heart set on being a Mother....it's something many men will never understand.. she will be deeply depressed to have this pass her by in life.. I can only imagine the resentment...(sorry to say- I was one who wanted children badly.. so I speak from the heart here) 

What is the debt from? Is there any way to buckle down & get out from under this...with much "spending discipline".. sometimes one has to sacrifice in one area - to open doors for another area.. Yes..it is pushing it badly - with your both getting up in years now.. and her fertility window slowly coming to a close...

You & her need to set reasonable goals to accomplish, 1st of all.. getting out of debt... finding a place big enough, affordable to raise a small family...some "nesting" - pre-planning goes into starting a family.. or it should... 

Don't think I am crazy for suggesting this...but have you prayed for direction here? 

In our early marriage, as we both wanted children ... there was 1 specific scripture I used to pray over... it was 1 Thes. 4:11 .....it was a Plea to work with our hands -so we wouldn't be dependent on anyone.. we needed to be able to make it financially.. affording all our bills, upkeep of the car so he could get to work, all of it...even if my husband didn't have such a great job back then.. 

It was surely a concern, we didn't want to be stressed financially, as this could cause a lot of strain in any relationship... we were always very frugal though, this being more of a lifestyle... 

Are their ways you could 1st, get out from under this debt...at the very least ?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Mil3s said:


> I appreciate the advice. I don't like to think it would come to divorce. But, unfortunately, I don't see how she wouldn't hold it over my head. I never thought I'd be dealing with these sorts of questions at my age.


Don't bring a life into this world only because you are scared she is going to hold it over your head. If you honestly aren't completely on board, you need to have a serious discussion with her.

Sent from my XT1575 using Tapatalk


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## Mil3s (Sep 29, 2016)

Re: SimplyAmorous

Thanks for the reply. Yes, I'd say neither of us made it a priority when we were younger to own a home. We have done a bit of moving around for work. Neither of us settled down until now. 

Perhaps I'm naive not realizing that once a couple decides to start a family, all other considerations have to be secondary. If we made a lot more money or already owned a home and had better savings this wouldn't be as big a concern, obviously. 

Yes, if she got pregnant right away we would immediately go into budget-slashing mode and do what we could to get prepared. It would mean a lot more sacrifices than I bargained for at this stage in my life, but again, I'm likely being naive about this. You can't expect to start a family and not have it disrupt your finances and spending power/choices unless you are very comfortable financially already. And that's not us. 

I do feel/understand her desire to not lose out on being a mom. It's just not as big a priority for me. And that's the big disconnect. It seems she would want to do all we can to make it happen and worry about finances and every other consideration later. Whereas I have been of the mindset of wanting to do it from a position of having stronger finances and, therefore, the means to lessen the impact on our lifestyle or potential marital strife. 

I guess it's a question of how much we are willing to sacrifice for the joys of parenthood. Clearly there are more than financial sacrifices, but I do believe the more finances are squeezed, the more strife in the marriage --- unless everyone is enthusiastically aboard and believes the sacrifices are ultimately worth it, right? 

That's what it comes down to. Right now, there's a gap there. And, despite being aware of this, she wants me to support her in this, because it means so much to her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm a woman.

Honestly my first concern is age of the mother.

How old is your wife? 

Have you discussed what will happen if you do have a child and your child has disabilities? Chances go up with the age of the mother AND the father. Taking good care of that child will require more time and money than a child without special needs. Also the chance of naturally occurring twins goes up with the age of the mother. Are you ready for two if that happens?

How is your healthcare coverage?

Later in life pregnancies often have more complications. Do you have enough saved to pay your bills on your income alone in the event she needs to go on bed rest for a portion of the pregnancy, and do you have good health care coverage so that pregnancy medical bills are covered?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I want to add, you said you have not been married for very long. If your wife is in her mid forties and has not had a child yet, she had a loooong time before meeting you to do so and she didn't. It's not all on YOU or your fault she didn't in the years of prime fertility she had. It would be a shame if she blamed you for things she should have done and didn't in the decades before she met you.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I want to add, you said you have not been married for very long. If your wife is in her mid forties and has not had a child yet, she had a loooong time before meeting you to do so and she didn't. It's not all on YOU or your fault she didn't in the years of prime fertility she had. It would be a shame if she blamed you for things she should have done and didn't in the decades before she met you.


This is a great point! 

Unless you're 100% on board, my advice would be not to have children, for the child's sake. No child should be brought up by a parent that is indifferent.


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