# Need support



## shaken10 (Dec 26, 2012)

I am in a 20 year marriage to a wonderful woman ( second marriage). A week ago my reality changed.

In my first marriage of 21 years my wife connected with a married man. Ultimately she was engaged in an emotional and physical relationship with him prior to and during my 8 year old daughters' cancer treatment. After attempts to get her into joint counseling over a 2 year period I filed for divorce.

In my second and current marriage of 20 years I have developed a love and respect for my wife which I never thought possible after my first marriage. She has treated me well and I felt loved.

9 years ago my wife made contact via the internet with a man who she described* only* as an old friend from her Navy experience. We moved 1735 miles to the town where he lived. He was married and showed us around town. We joined a club with him and my wife maintained a friendship. I always had hurtful experiences when we were together with him and 
thought the friendship to be improper since it made me so uncomfortable. I sensed that they were too close in the way they interacted. She had not seen this person in over 30 years and had only known known him for three months.

A week ago my wife admitted that years ago they were physically involved. I felt totally betrayed. She had me befriend an old lover and maintained contact for 9 years. I do not believe she was having a physical affair but an emotional one. I thought they had broken contact when he moved to another town and divorced his wife, only to discover that she received a text calling her "sweetheart" during my wife's recent hospital stay.

I am 62 and she is 65. I want my marriage and always thought it would last. Her revelation to me is hard to wrap my brain around. She has agreed to break contact with him and I wrote a letter to him telling him what I thought and how I felt. My wife feels terrible and guilty and I feel betrayed with my emotions all over the "map". Thoughts and suggestions are appreciated. Would you feel betrayed in a similar situation? Thanks in advance.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

When you said, you moved to his town. are you still living in this town? Hate to break it to you but you better believe that it went physical. And yes I would feel betrayed too. Secrets and half truths destroy marriages.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

It tells me she has no respect or love for you. And never will. I am sorry. Have you told his wife about it? She needs to know. I also suggest a 3 month separation to really think and see what path you want your life to continue on.


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## shaken10 (Dec 26, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> When you said, you moved to his town. are you still living in this town? Hate to break it to you but you better believe that it went physical. And yes I would feel betrayed too. Secrets and half truths destroy marriages.


He moved about three hours away.


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## shaken10 (Dec 26, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> It tells me she has no respect or love for you. And never will. I am sorry. Have you told his wife about it? She needs to know. I also suggest a 3 month separation to really think and see what path you want your life to continue on.


He went through a divorce with his wife. I knew her too. My wife and I use to go out with them from time to time.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

shaken10 said:


> He moved about three hours away.


When was this? Ask your wife if she's willing to take a polygraph.


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## shaken10 (Dec 26, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> When you said, you moved to his town. are you still living in this town? Hate to break it to you but you better believe that it went physical. And yes I would feel betrayed too.



If that is the case I don't want to believe it. Our sex life has always been fantastic. When my first wife cheated she did not want relations anymore. Here is the letter I wrote to the "friend":


"For whatever reason D---- felt a need to find you and continue to have a relationship with you over the last 9 years. The problem was that she felt a need to lie to me about the true nature of your past. You allowed this to happen to a woman who was married and allowed me to trust the two of you as only friends, only to confirm that you were in fact lovers. I am sure S---- that this was a tremendous ego builder and conquest for you. I think it would be exciting to reestablish a relationship with one of my past lovers and allow her to stroke my ego also. It must have been fun for you to keep your little secret and give my wife that knowing glance. The difference between us is that I would never reestablish a relationship with a past lover knowing that she was married. I don't know if you ever queried ----- about this but you should have. If ----- would have told me that she found an old lover in Texas and that we were going to befriend him and move there I guarantee it would have never happened. If I had trusted my gut feelings it would have never happened. You cannot have a past as lovers and not have special feelings. I could see this in the way you two related. I could see it in your eyes,kissing and hugging,laughing and sharing. I was made to feel the third man out. I was made to feel irrelevant and merely a tag along. I was made to feel ugly, and she was my wife. I was made to feel somehow wrong for objecting to this relationship. If there was anything physical going on only you two would know. I do know that there was a need for both of you to continue the relationship and to deceive me. I have lost all respect for you and will be feeling the pain for a long while.

I believe this negative experience will make our marriage continue to flourish and become stronger. I am thinking of asking Diane to renew our vows to put this in the past where it should have stayed in the first place. You have no need to respond to this letter. Personally I don't give a flying f---k what you have to say since you no longer exist. Man to man you knew what you were doing. You can't con a con S----. D---- is trusting, loving and sometimes too naive. I am so lucky to have found such an incredible woman. She will only be in my loving arms from now on and I will be able to share the rest of my life with her. You lose.

Never contact my wife again.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

A few questions. Is your wife still ill? The NC is a good start but you know the drill everthing in the open, phones, emails, fb. How far do you live from this guy? any club involvment? 

Get into MC and IC for you. Think real hard about why two women have cheated on you. Are you allowing yourself to be a doormat. Maybe you need to be a little more dominent in your relationships with women. More Alpha?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Pack her stuff tell her to move out for now you need time to think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shaken10 (Dec 26, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> When was this? Ask your wife if she's willing to take a polygraph.


Maybe 1.5-2 years ago. If I need her to take a polygraph I might as well just divorce her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You must get your head wrapped around this ASAP. Women like confident men and the soon yours sees how confident you are in letting her go the sooner she will shape up and get it together.

I get it , I've been there but once you start showing weakness and confusion the bad behavior will continue from your wife. See, its risky but it appears your still wants the marriage so even though you are scared to death of lossing this marrige you have to have the perceptiontion that you know exactly what you want and you will not hsare your wife with another man...period.

She has to believe that you will drop her like a hot rock, she has to start thinking what she is about to lose, she has to start to second guess her choices by witnessing her husband having the confidence to let her go.

You have been chacing her for far to long, its time for her to see that if she doesnt start chacing you, you will be history. So your best tactic is acting like you can and will let her go if this crap continues and you will no longer tolorate sharing her.

You can't control her but you can make it very clear that if this continues you can control how you act and the consequences she will suffer when you start to take control of what you will tolorate.

Scary sh1t, I know, but your passive approach is not working, you can't nice your way out of this, the tough love approach is your best tactic in stopping being a doormat.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

shaken10 said:


> If that is the case I don't want to believe it. Our sex life has always been fantastic. When my first wife cheated she did not want relations anymore.


Have you heard of compartmentalizing? Fairly common for cheaters. Now I'm not saying that she did cheat but is she willing to take a polygraph to prove that she didn't?



shaken10 said:


> Maybe 1.5-2 years ago. If I need her to take a polygraph I might as well just divorce her.


:slap:

You should stick around this place for a while. The guys here have seen it all.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

shaken10 said:


> Maybe 1.5-2 years ago. If I need her to take a polygraph I might as well just divorce her.


The Polygraph test is a consequence for her behavior, just like taking a STD test and turning off her texting and shuting done her social web sites.

With out consequences, bad behavior continues! It was her lack off boundries, deciet ,and bad choices that generated this course of action, if she wants to save the marriage as much as you do she will take this action and do the heavy lifting to stay. 

Set your boundries and make them non negogiable, or your chick will continue to walk all over you. 

Again you can't control her but you can take control of what and who you are married to.


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## shaken10 (Dec 26, 2012)

mahike said:


> A few questions. Is your wife still ill? The NC is a good start but you know the drill everthing in the open, phones, emails, fb. How far do you live from this guy? any club involvment?
> 
> Get into MC and IC for you. Think real hard about why two women have cheated on you. Are you allowing yourself to be a doormat. Maybe you need to be a little more dominent in your relationships with women. More Alpha?


My wife has some ongoing medical issues and will be having a shoulder replacement soon. I am on disability as of last year. My wife is a professional, workaholic and loves her job and is still working.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Exactly - even people in their 60s love cake.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your letter to him, he may be contrite but I'm guessing he laughed his ass off.

Why did you move to HIS city in the first place?

He may not know you did not know they were lovers.

Do you think they had oppurtunity to have an affair? Well they had the oppurtunity, did you ever suspect they did? What have you done to investigate this possibility?

What has your wife done to explain this secret and what is she doing to keep you?

This may be nothing or it could be an on going affair.


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## shaken10 (Dec 26, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Your letter to him, he may be contrite but I'm guessing he laughed his ass off.
> 
> Why did you move to HIS city in the first place?
> 
> We wanted to move south to get out of the cold for a medical condition my wife has. An AARP magazine came to the house and mentioned our town as one of the 10 best to live in. He was the only person we knew here and we met his wife. My wife told me they were old Navy friends from 30 years ago who knew each other for about 3 months. She denied ever having had relations with him.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

chapparal said:


> ... I'm guessing he laughed his ass off.


This ^^^^ totally This.

Your letter was nicely written and well phrased. It would shame a man of honor and integrity. 

Is he such a man? 

Nope! He's a snake - he'll frame it, show it to his friends, and consider it a trophy. Sorry. 

You have had a good life with her. I agree with everyone else. She cheated - maybe even physically. Does it matter now to you since it's "over"?

If you believe she's too important at this time in your life when you're collecting disability and no longer able to work AND you now have faith she will be honest from now on (because she hasn't for a long time) then forgive - and live with it. But let her know she didn't get away with it forever and you'll be no one's fool from now on. 

Sorry you're going through this. But the long and short. Duushbag got away like the weasel he is. She got her jollies for nine years. You were played. Life is short - shorter at our age (I'm your senior!) live with what you can.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

shaken10 said:


> chapparal said:
> 
> 
> > Your letter to him, he may be contrite but I'm guessing he laughed his ass off.
> ...


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## shaken10 (Dec 26, 2012)

chapparal said:


> shaken10 said:
> 
> 
> > How did she find out he was in that town?
> ...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her to write a full timeline of the affair because if things don't add up you may take her for a polygraph test so you can heal and move on.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Would you feel betrayed in a similar situation?


YES
The only way that I would not feel betrayed is if I was in a coma and brain dead






> Thoughts and suggestions are appreciated


If you can find a woman that will fulfill your needs a lot better than your current wife then divorce your wife and get with the other woman. If you can live by yourself and be fairly contented then get help with this betrayal and then divorce her

If that is not possible then learn to be as self sufficient as possible, especially emotionally, and make the best of your current situation.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

shaken10 said:


> I am in a 20 year marriage to a wonderful woman ( second marriage). A week ago my reality changed.
> 
> In my second and current marriage of 20 years I have developed a love and respect for my wife which I never thought possible after my first marriage. She has treated me well and I felt loved.
> 
> ...


IT WAS A PHYSICAL AFFAIR. SHE WAS HAVING SEX WITH HIM. There is about a 100% chance of this.

Can you look at their communications on her Facebook page, her texts, her emails? Look at the phone bill and then her phone and see if there are deleted texts. See if the calls are first thing in the morning or late at night.

Can you find his ex-wife and ask her if she knew about her husband's past physical relationship with your wife? And then ask about whether her divorce had anything to do with her husband's current relationship with your wife.

Not every cheater cuts off sex, though many do. Maybe your wife is one of those that don't. There are many posters here who were cheated on and who had sex cut off. There also are many who were cheated on and never noticed any difference at all in the frequency of sex.

If you just want to ignore this and rugsweep it, if you are just happy thinking the affair is over and want to continue on without facing the truth, the only problem is that it could bother you and cause problems in your relationship due to your doubts and resentment.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

shaken10 said:


> chapparal said:
> 
> 
> > shaken10 said:
> ...


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## shaken10 (Dec 26, 2012)

What has she done to help you with your feelings? What have you told her you suspected happened? How does your wife explain all this?

Can you give more details?[/QUOTE]

When pushed she admitted the sex many years ago in their distant past. She claims the friendship was just that. She told me that she had blinders on, that it was innocent, and can now see my point of view. She says that she feels like pond scum for lying about the past and believes that she cannot say anything that would not sound trite because I wouldn't believe her anyway. 

I would like to hear reassurances from her and "sorry" more than once and an admission that she really screwed up. I'm not hearing that enough yet and am hoping that will change. She asked if she was going to have to say "sorry" every day. She needs to show me how much she cares. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I feel unable to express my feelings and that is why I'm here.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I am not sure of her health condition at this point. You need to put a VAR in her car under the front seat with velcro. voice recorder - Best Buy

You need to go back as far as you can and check her phone calls and texts.

If she has a smart phone you can get deleted texts depending on the brand.

Print off and go over the wayward spouse instructions in the my next post.

* She asked if she was going to have to say "sorry" every day.*
This is a giant red flag. Sounds like she is trying to manipulate you and hiding something she doesn't want to talk about.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

*Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.*


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Cheaters lie and they are good at it. Not saying she is a cheater though. Ask her if she knew her "friend" was living in the town you moved to before you moved there. How long did he live there before you move there? Watch her body language to see if she might be lying.

Have you personally talked to his ex to see why she says they divorced?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You are getting a lot of good advice, I agree with taking a break to let your emotions return under your almost full control.


Remember, if you wish for reconciliation it must be formulated properly on your WW end through actions and not words. If she feels no need to make reparations than all you can do is move on and overcome her whether you are still married to her or not. Show independence, strength, control, and intolerance to her past sins which she needs to repair. 

Cheaters have it easier to overcome a spouse because they are not attached, mentally, physically and emotionally to their SO, on the same level as their faithful spouse. They know they are wrong, can admit they are wrong but will not feel wrong and their remorse/regret is gone too fast, too soon, too easily. After so much cheating (or any wrongdoing) a WS develops a resistance or a certain dulling of their conscience.

Give yourself time to become strong.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

shaken10 said:


> I am in a 20 year marriage to a wonderful woman ( second marriage). A week ago my reality changed.
> 
> In my first marriage of 21 years my wife connected with a married man. Ultimately she was engaged in an emotional and physical relationship with him prior to and during my 8 year old daughters' cancer treatment. After attempts to get her into joint counseling over a 2 year period I filed for divorce.
> 
> ...


Dang. To bad you did not post here before you moved there. You would have gotten the advice for her to not rebew her friendship then.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

shaken10 said:


> I am in a 20 year marriage to a wonderful woman ( second marriage). A week ago my reality changed.
> 
> In my first marriage of 21 years my wife connected with a married man. Ultimately she was engaged in an emotional and physical relationship with him prior to and during my 8 year old daughters' cancer treatment. After attempts to get her into joint counseling over a 2 year period I filed for divorce.
> 
> ...


Yes, I would. And if your wife knew what happened to you with your first wife's infidelity, then in my opinion she is in some ways worse than your first wife. Your first wife might have had some kind of breakdown due to your daughter's illness. But your second wife? Did she have an excuse for her poor behaviour toward you?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

shaken10 said:


> When pushed she admitted the sex many years ago in their distant past.


*Of course she had to be pushed. And don't expect her to be forthcoming on anything else either.* 



shaken10 said:


> She claims the friendship was just that. She told me that she had blinders on, that it was innocent, and can now see my point of view.


*Sure it was only a friendship - one she researched so she could have you move there. But she's mistaken about the blinders. She had blinders that she tried to put on you. Yet you had the gut feeling all along but didn't press. You are too 'gentlemanly'.* 



shaken10 said:


> She says that she feels like pond scum for lying about the past and believes that she cannot say anything that would not sound trite because I wouldn't believe her anyway.


*
"I'm not going to say anything because it'll just sound trite (so just drop it already willya!)"*



shaken10 said:


> I would like to hear reassurances from her and "sorry" more than once and an admission that she really screwed up. I'm not hearing that enough yet and am hoping that will change.


*She'll never admit a dang thing. It was all innocent! Don't get your hopes up - unless you actually plan on doing something about it. She's just happy to get the broom and sweep it all in a neat pile under the rug. The one in the middle of your living room. The one you'll be tripping over every few days.* 



shaken10 said:


> She asked if she was going to have to say "sorry" every day. She needs to show me how much she cares. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. I feel unable to express my feelings and that is why I'm here.


*
Wow. Her way of saying. "This is the last I want to hear about it from you" *

-------------------------

Be sure she's okay - as far as her shoulder surgery. No need to be a d1ck about it. But once she's self sufficient take some time away from her for a week or so. Think things over. 

What do you really want from her? 

A committed marriage? If so, (1) find out exactly what happened. Ask her to write down the facts. How she came to meet him again. Dates they had. What was said about you and the marriage. Who else knew. 

Review her written words. Go over with them. Ask her to arrange for a polygraph to verify that nothing else occurred. 

(2) ask her to write a NO CONTACT letter to the admiral. She tells him she was very wrong in developing a relationship with him. That she realizes she harmed the marriage and betrayed your trust. That he should not try to ever contact her again. That any attempt at contact would be viewed as stalking and would result in legal action if necessary. 

(3) passwords to all social media, email addresses, phone texts, etc. 

She doesn't have to do any of this. You don't have to be married. 

OR as I said earlier - just let it go and be careful of the pile under the rug. It can trip you up when you least expect it. Things can get better. You have to make it happen.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Not good. You're wife is playing you, and given how easily she's doing it i betting this isn't her first time.

1. She's pulling the old victim card here. The "I'm sorry, but there's not a thing I can say that will help, so I'm not going to say anything, because in reality I'm the victim here. The victim of your anger and jealousy"

2. She's also pulling the get over it already card. Seriously? She's saying "I'm going to have to keep saying sorry? That's going to be a real bother you know!"

Both of these attitudes shows she has nether remorse for having sex with him, or for humiliating you by bringing you along on outings (dates) with her OM. She has no patience for your hurt feelings, pride, or the humiliation you feel. She is showing no compassion, empathy ,love or respect.

She's happy to have you take care of her when she's sick, and happy to run to the OM when she needs companionship and sex.

Sorry, but her attitude reeks of an affair that is still active. She sees you as a plan B, and him as the preferred plan A. When she's well she's likely hoping to hook back up with him. (sorry, but that's the truth based on her attitude).


She doesn't see this as a betrayal or that she must now work to earn a chance to stay with you. 

You're letter to the OM is no doubt having him laughing hard, and when he shares it with your wife she will laugh hard too.

you need to stop playing softball and change up the game to a new level.

1. Post the OM on cheaterville.com - then show your wife the post.

2. demand full transparency going forward. all passwords, all phone records etc. Trust is gone, and it's something that be earned through actions.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm confused a bit by your post.

The new each other long ago

9 years ago they reconnected and you just happened to move to his town

she's been carrying on in the last 9 years having sex with him?

When did she last meet up and have sex with him?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I'm confused a bit by your post.
> 
> The new each other long ago
> 
> ...


Dollars to doughnuts she has been polishing the admirals brass for the last nine years.

I bet Mrs Admiral caught the Admiral banging your WW and that is why they moved then eventually got the divorce.

You must insist on your WW taking a polygraph test.


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## shaken10 (Dec 26, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I'm confused a bit by your post.
> 
> The new each other long ago
> 
> ...


They had sex when they were young...40 years ago. The problem was she denied that ever happened in their past and then 30 years later decided to reconnect as a friend.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

shaken10 said:


> They had sex when they were young...40 years ago. The problem was she denied that ever happened in their past and then 30 years later decided to reconnect as a friend.


Eh this doesn't pass the smell test have her take a polygraph if you're planning on staying with her. Her attitude in general is just crap towards you, but whatever you can put up with.


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