# Cry in the rain ...



## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Hello all:
I have been on and off this website for a little over a year hoping to find a solution for my problem but somehow cannot put my finger on any story close to mine. I am typing through tears and have reached a point in life where I have given up on being happy and my misery is killing me more by the day. I am a 26 year old female, married for 3 years to a complete brick wall, to say the least. When I first met my husband I was 21 in my final year of college and working as an assistant to financial manager. Throughout the next cpl years before our marriage, and getting to know each other more I pursued my masters in Accounting and graduated with a 3.98 gpa, but that's besides the pt. I am now working a highly respected position and make 90k/yr.My marriage has been a total disaster and nightmare since day 1. I am the main and only breadwinner in the household as he doesn't have a high school diploma and doesn't work. I have spent over 500k on him since I've met him. I have tried everything with him. Finding jobs for him, to which he's been fired from because he neglects his tasks. I've taught and trained him as a day trader in the stock market and forex. I have opened numerous accts for him and have funded them endlessly but to no avail. I have been cheated on(ea), emotionally abused, and neglected. I have been trying to be as patient as possible hoping there will be some kind of turning point for him but things have only gotten worst. The person he married and the person I am today are two worlds apart. Everyone notices. My family is a mess because I'm a mess and everyone tries to talk some sense into me but I can't quite make it out the door. Every time that I have come close to leaving he begs and pleads and promises that he'll become "prince charming" for me and admits that I deserve nothing but the best but I've not seen any change in the three years we have been married. 
I do not mean to brag, but I am an attractive girl, I take care of my body, I never deny him his rights, I am extremely affectionate and care very much for this man but have fallen out of love with him. He promised me the world when we met but I've seen none of it yet. 
To sum up all my problems would take me all night, but in conclusion he's the laziest human I have ever met. He will sit on his ass all day, on the computer, watch porn, talk to girls, and will refuse to move, while all responsibilities are on me. I feel like I deserve so much better but I have put so much effort into this marriage, I just cannot give up now. I really don't know what to do anymore. My heart breaks at the sight of him. It breaks when I see pics of myself before I knew him. I miss my old self. I miss my old life. I feel as though I was alive then and have died a million times since I became his wife. I really don't know what my q is here as I am not in the right state of mind to type out all my concerns with detail and effort but any input (harsh or not) would be very much appreciated.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You are his meal ticket of course he is going to promise you the world when you get close to walking out. You don't mention kids so I assume there are none. 

See a good attorney. You may end up paying some kind of spousal support for a while but it will be worth it.

Get your finances in order. Get a separate bank account and be prepared to transfer half the money from any joint accounts the day he is served. Make sure he does not have access to your credit cards.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

I'll never understand why good women & good men end up with bad partners sooooo much. How do so many 'nice' people, who put others first, end up with partners who are the COMPLETE OPPOSITE? For example: Women/men who take care of themselves & love sex --> find asexual partners, who let themselves go. 

Anyway, from what I am reading you should leave this guy. Why keep putting more time and effort into a bad investment? You miss your old self? Well imagine how much more you'll miss her when you waste 10 or 12 years. I am 36 years old, and I look older than that, do you think I would have went through 'my story' if I was 26 years young? HELL NO, I would have thanked her for not wasting my youth and been out the door. The difference between you and ME is that you KNOW that you are in a terrible situation and CHOOSE to stay; I was unaware and invested my youth.

It is very possible that the only way he will ever change, is for you to leave him.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You sound to me like you are the fixer in this relationship. You are the one that tries to find him jobs, Pays the bills, puts yourself through school. Works hard.

He is staying home talking to girls. He won't work and he plays games. 

This really sounds like the affair was never dealt with and he got away with it. Now he treats you like a doormat despite your obvious success in work.

Really you have to ask yourself what it is that you are waiting for? 
Who was the man you fell in love with?


It is time for you to woman up. 
It is time to start looking after yourself. 
It is time that you stopped supporting him. 

All this is very bad for his sense of self esteem anyway.
He sounds depressed to me. I'm not a Dr but I recognize it from myself a few years ago.

Does he sleep alot or not enough?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Why are you here??????

You knew before you even got married---what you were in for---yet you married him----were you gonna change him----maybe you tried, but nothing works

Why are you staying, cuz he is so hot in bed---it can't be anything else

If you tell us you love him---what is it about him that you love---his porn addiction, his inability to handle even simple jobs/tasks---his refusal to do anything, but live off of you, his want to make you miserable----Is that what you love---tell me---what the F. do you love about him---your post sounds like you love NOTHING, about him

You have known what to do about this since the beginning---you just won't do anything------you get your dander up once in a while, and he cries, like a little kid, and you weaken---you are married to a worthless BUM---at least that is what your post says

You get one trip thru life on this planet---it is spose to be a happy trip----yours for the last however many years that you have known your POS, husband have been filled with misery----DO YOU ENJOY YOUR MISERY??????

You know what to do----you don't need us to tell you what to do-----you just won't do it---for whatever reason---I guess it's that you like your miserable existence.

ONCE AGAIN WHY ARE YOU HERE???????


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## SeanW (May 4, 2012)

Hi Fallensoldier, I'm sorry for your troubles. 

Forgive me if I'm being brutally direct, but "_he's the laziest human I have ever met. He will sit on his ass all day, on the computer, watch porn, talk to girls, and will refuse to move, while all responsibilities are on me._" this is the way he is. 

And this is the way he will always be. Chances are, he's been like that even before you married him, you just kept your eyes shut. 

You're young, and the point is: are you willing to waste you entire life with such a man? 
If so (like "I love him too much..." and so on) carry on. 

Otherwise, you already know what to do, you actually wrote it on your post. 

Don't waste time, it's precious and limited. 

It will be tough, he will promise you the moon, but remember: men don't chance radically. A goat can't develop into an eagle. 

It seems you've got the balls he lacks, stop crying and use them. You CAN make it.

My best wishes for you, I know it's not easy, but you have to do it. Good luck.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Fallen, your 3.98 gpa is not beside the point; you are an intelligent woman. To use your metaphor, some frogs never become prince charming no matter how many times you kiss them. You say you have put so much into the marriage that you cannot walk away. That is extremely faulty logic. When the investment shows no chance of return, it's time to let it go.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

You do deserve better. Much better.



..... can I try?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My youngest sister who died when I was in Iraq in 2009 had two husbands. Husband #1 and my sister moved in with my parents. My sister worked at Harley Davidson like my dad and two brothers. Had a good job. Husband # 1 literally laid on the couch at my parents house all day and watched t.v. Never worked. He was fit, strong as an ox, but lazy. My sister finally divorced him because my dad and him got into a nasty argument and my sister had enough. Husband #2 - a body builder. Lazy, laid around the house and did odd jobs. He was 6' 3", a V body, massive arms, a real hunk. Did roids got nasty and mean, started to hit my sister who by this time was dying of cancer. She divorced him and he got everything including alimoney, the new truck, etc. She told me she needed peace in her life as she faced death.

You are smart, got a great job. This guy is a loser. Move on and talk to an attorney.

And don't repeat. There are good guys out there and obviously you do not know how to choose. Talk to a counselor about this. I am watching a co-worker go from one relationship to the next with bad men. She gives her phone number out when she meets someone in a grocery store and starts dating them and finds out crap about them and breaks it off. She does not understand what the hell she is doing and why her love life is so messed up. It is because she is lonely, desparate and is looking in all the wrong places, yet she can't see it.

You need someone or a group to help you navigate your love choices, because often times folks like you will repeat and find the same type of guy that you have now. The problem with folks like yourself (I might be too judgemental) is that you find a certain personally type attractive (like my sister) and can't figure out what the heck went wrong. In my sister's case we all saw it and she would not listen and paid dearly for it.

Drop this loser.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You already know he's a sh*tty partner and are looking for ways to either change him or make it different. Thing is, you can't. 

He is who he is. This is the guy you chose to marry. This is him. 

So you can have a talk with him about how you're at your wits end and he will either step up to the plate or won't. If he won't, then you have to decide whether you want to stay in a marriage where you are unhappy. Tolerate it or leave.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

learn this " you cannot change or fix someone else you can only fix yourself" so leave all attempts to change him, Its time for you to fix yourself. I think you are codependent on him. Get an IC and learn about co dependency. 

Its time for you to put yourself first in your priority list and move on with your life.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You say you cant find a story similiar to yours in the year you have been lurking??? I see this story all the time, characters change and details differ but the plot line is exactly the same.

Look into the codependant/narsissist dynamic. I'm sure that will hit home.

I get the feeling there is more to the story than you are sharing right now. This isn't adding up. This is all anonomous, is there anything else on your mind?

I mentioned that I see this story all the time, but the story you've started usually goes from where you are to explaining why your growing attached to, or have begun having a relationship outside of your marriage....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Pit, it could be just that she married a man who has no drive to work, is lazy and doesn't want to help her out with things. 

It does happen.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Do not cheat on him. Do the honorable thing and divorce him. Only married 3 years and no kids? This is a no brainer.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Hello,
Thanks all for your input. I really do appreciate it. First to answer a few qs. TD- no kids no, thank God. Vanton- i appreciate your honesty, it means alot to me. JNJ- your brutal honest is what i need to man up to walk out that door, i like it, and thank you. As per your "hot in bed" comment, not hot. Not even close to hot. All others, i do appreciate your concern and your comments. Maybe this is the place i need to grow the balls to unlock that door. We'll see. Shooboomafoo - lol, Im flattered. 

Why I am still in this relationship is beyond me. I'm not too sure what it is anymore, but the one thing I'm absolutely sure about, it's out of pity. I have a good heart and he takes advantage of it. He's a troubled man and everyone has turned their backs on him, I'd hate to do it to him too. Now why I got married to him is another story. When we first met I was away on vacation, met him where he lived, got to know him a bit there, swapped contact info with one another and then I returned home. For the next few mths it was phones, messengers, cams, etc 24/7. We were addicted to each other. He was telling me everything I needed to hear. He reassured me of everything. Paved a highway to heaven for me. And I was on cloud 9. I started working harder, taking on two jobs, finishing school, and building for everything to come with this man. We visited each other any given chance. Then two years into the relationship he proposed. I was beyond happy! There were further visits between our engagement and marriage dates, the visits got longer, my family got used to him and vice versa then things started to stick out to them. Warning signs I guess. And they tried to talk me into seeing them, but I was so happy I didn't want to see anything. I really wasn't in denial. One of the best qualities about me is I'm so honest and blunt it could hurt sometimes. So I'm honestly saying at that time when they pointed things out I seriously wasn't in denial and just thought they wanted to rain on my parade. I basically chose him over my family (big mistake)
The first 6-8 mths of our marriage were bliss. I couldn't be happier. We were traveling the world, he was working in the stock market, i was helping out in that area too, and we were making good money, nothing could have gotten better. Then little things started to happen, and I started to grow suspicious of his actions. I ignored them for a while but they were always in the back of my head. He started staying up on his laptop way into the early mornings while I'm knocked out asleep in bed. I'd wake up for my work and he'd just get into bed then. I started seeing less of him. I thought hmmm maybe just a phase. Because he did remain sweet and affectionate towards me. So I figured he's bored at nights, he's home all day (stock market) so he just wants to change up his lifestyle a bit, whatever. Then the sex got less. Way less. 8 mths into our marriage I visited my family. While I was away I noticed big amounts of charges to our shared account with the stock brokerage. They all seemed mysterious. Nothing clear. So I signed on to his email and my world came tumbling down on me. He was charging hundreds of dollars for erotic live cams. I can understand porn. But cams was just too much for me. I added up all fees, came up to a little over 6k in just a cpl mths. I was dumbfounded. I booked my ticket went straight home, told him he needed therapy, his bullcrap was to be cut out and if he needed woman to act out his fantasies for him then I would not be tied up in this marriage and be degraded like this. He went to IC. All to which I was in the lobby of his doctors office. Always by his side always with him. Things seemed to be getting better. Then the late nights started happening again. It wasn't cams as i always checked his history. I had passwords to all his messengers so when he would sleep I would check to see his archives, if there were any offline msgs maybe, nothing out of the ordinary, but his actions spoke otherwise. I'm tech savvy, thank god, so I went a few steps further to discover he had other Ids I hadn't known about. I demanded all pswds and found lists and lists of girls. And disgusting talk. I walked out. He knew it would be the end for him. So he begged and pleaded, the normal. Said he'd never sit on a computer again. I gave in. This happened two years ago. This is still happening now. I have given up. I am numb. I don't ever want him near me. And I do think he needs serious psychiatric help. I don't know if I can stick around for that. I've done too much for him. I can't do anymore. It's just not in me to do it anymore. Will post some more stories an details when I can. In the meantime thank you all for listening.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Pit, it could be just that she married a man who has no drive to work, is lazy and doesn't want to help her out with things.
> 
> It does happen.


yeah, im sure it does. But the pieces arent matching up and something doesnt feel quite right... So I asked.

I reserve the right to be absolutely wrong, or at least _be told _that I am. ;-) But I think there is more to this story.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Lord- I would never cheat on him. I am made of better morals and values than that. Not cheating on him doesn't mean he deserves all the respect in the world from me, it simply means I respect myself more than anyone in this world can ever respect me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_
Why I am still in this relationship is beyond me. I'm not too sure what it is anymore, but the one thing I'm absolutely sure about, it's out of pity. I have a good heart and he takes advantage of it._

And you know all of this and choose to stay.

If you keep doing the same, you will get the same. 

The definition of insanity. Read up on it.

Also, read up on co-dependence. 

This reminds me of a woman I know. Her husband sucks, is abusive, and will openly call her nasty names in front of other people, always threatens to off himself, is controlling, the lot. She knows all this and talks about how awful he is to her, says she wants to leave but she feels bad for him. Crazy. She will never leave cause her self-esteem is so low she doesn't think she deserves better. Total co-dependent. 

Good luck.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Thanks Kallan. I will look into that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> yeah, im sure it does. But the pieces arent matching up and something doesnt feel quite right... So I asked.
> 
> I reserve the right to be absolutely wrong, or at least _be told _that I am. ;-) But I think there is more to this story.


Sure we've heard the cheating stories. But there are also people who pick poor partners as spouses and for some crazy reason choose to stay with them. No cheating involved. It's a story as old as time.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Pit- there are other stories I haven't yet shared but no details I've held back. I am definitely not having an affair and would never do such a thing.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

fallensoldier said:


> Pit- there are other stories I haven't yet shared but no details I've held back. I am definitely not having an affair and would never do such a thing.


Sorry, I don't know that you are or have had any realtionships outside of your marriage, but something doesn't feel quite right is all... 

You said you didnt leave out details, but there is a piece to this puzzle that feels like it's missing. That's no offense to you and I'm not implying anything by it... Like many of the others here, I would like to help but I need to understand.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

No need to be sorry. I do appreciate your concern. I haven't left out anything major. You can feel free to ask anything you'd like to though. I will point out that I'm not for divorce. It goes against my beliefs and it's the last option I would give in to. I do love him. Regardless of everything I've said. I just wish he would better hisself. He's not stupid. That's what ticks me off. He's highly intelligent, much much smarter than me, but just does nothing. He's helpless. I honestly think he needs a whole lot of professional help and do believe he's depressed and am afraid if I walk out his depression might get worst or he'll do something to hisself then I could never be able to live with myself for it.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

I hope you keep us updated on your situation


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

fallensoldier said:


> No need to be sorry. I do appreciate your concern. I haven't left out anything major. You can feel free to ask anything you'd like to though. I will point out that I'm not for divorce. It goes against my beliefs and it's the last option I would give in to. I do love him. Regardless of everything I've said. I just wish he would better hisself. He's not stupid. That's what ticks me off. He's highly intelligent, much much smarter than me, but just does nothing. He's helpless.


Cool. So tolerate your marriage. Cause guess what--you may want him to better himself, but the only person who can do that is him. And you said he's "helpless." He's not. He's a grown man who can take action just like anyone else. if he doesn't want to, that is his choice. It sounds like you see the problem but you are unwilling to do anything about it either.


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Jellybeans - I do see the problem. And I am more than willing to do everything about it. But I'm not too sure what the right thing is. I feel so much pity for him at times. And at times I just want to punch him. Right now, all pity. Ugh :/


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Every one has turned their back on him, cuz he is what he is, and you know what that is-------YOU ARE ENABLING HIM

OK---you don't wanna D., him then do this

File a legal seperation, and cut off all his funds totally, and do an extremely hard 180 on him

Take away all CC's that have his name on them---put all funds, in acct., with your name only on it.---take him off your health insurance, life insurance, auto insurance----You can't kick him out of the house, but you can tell him if he wants to stay---he pays half the mtg., and half of all the utilities----take away any vehicles he has----give him nothiong---in other words---FORCE HIM TO GO OUT AND GET A JOB, AND KEEP IT.

You want him to become a responsible man, you refuse to D. him----then MAKE him become a man---just stop enabling him----also if he won't leave the house---you leave it-

---take his clothes and personal belongings, and put them in storage---leave him just enuff to live on----if he gets a job, give him what clothes he needs to go to work

If he gets hungry to bad---let him EARN THE MONEY FOR FOOD--------STOP ENABLING HIM

Also don't leave this forum----you need the support of those here, to keep kicking your butt, and to make you do what you need to do, FOR YOU.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

I know what you are going through. I was there 12 years ago. I can tell you I was making 88k a year and he wasn't working except at home, on the computer. I found the other women he was making discs full of his fantasy life....I was working like a dog. You are into stocks, right? Would you hold on to stock if it was consistently losing value over several years? No. So don't fall into the previous investment trap. We had been together 4 years at this point, and I paid one more months rent on our house and moved out. I felt that was more than generous. He had 30 days paid.

We did not speak for 3 years after that.

3 years later, he came back into my life. Had a great job making good money and had made huge changes in his life and grown up a LOT. We married.

Now its 8 years later. He works and I don't. I was working when we married. I have 2 degrees and he did not finish HS, but he is brilliant and gifted. 

3 mos ago I found out he had been going to sex sites and they were live cam hookup sites. Our marriage may truly be over. I have no idea if anything crossed over into the real world because he destroyed the PC he was using (it was one of mine) and am waiting for my STD panel to come back, just to know for sure if I was exposed. I am taking no chances as he is moving mountains to keep the truth from me.

These things can quickly pass over into meeting up in real life, if they haven't already. Beyond the obvious betrayal, the problem is an extreme lack of gratitude and respect.

What I am saying to you is when an H does this as a means for coping with stress or as a means to escape reality, the longer it goes on, the worse it will get. He is being selfish and having no problem taking you for granted. You are right, he is taking advantage of your loving heart. 

He is now promising the Moon, too. But I don't need the Moon, I need a husband I can trust.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I would give my right arm for a woman like you. I too have always been the one who had to take care of everything, and then find out she's cheating on me. You really deserve better, he will never change, don't throw any more years away on him.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Lets come at this a little differently. Lets assume for a second that your husband is not a douche. If that were true, then what he has is laziness and an addiction to easy entertainment.

Given you are already contemplating divorce, there is nothing more to lose here. So lets try this out -
1. Disconnect the TV. Cancel cable. Get the equipment back to the provider.
2. Dump the PC on ebay. Get a laptop and carry it with you to work.
3. Cut up all your credit cards that you have given to him. If he is good at memorizing numbers, contact the bank and have them cancelled. This will stop him from phone sex and getting hooked on liquor as alternate entertainment.
4. Tell him he has a month to find a job even if it is as a cashier in Walmart.

The first 3 should enable 4. There is only so much a man can sit around the house and do without TV, internet and booze.

This is a one month path to change. 

Yes you should not have to do this, you should go straight to D, but I see that you are really in love with him even though you now doubt it yourself. So try this out. If this doesnt work file for D.


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