# Seperate to "date and reconnect"



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

This may get long.
M:39,WW:38, Kiddo10 M:10yrs Together:16.
Back in Sept, I got the Love you but not in love speech.
Darn near textbook for what its worth. Checked the cell records online and saw too many txt msgs to another "just a friend" as it was explained. Then found out about the secret lunches and other meetings. No PA, (far as I know) but definitely EA.
I left for 3 days and came back, to try to get MC and work things out, for the sake of our child, who was very distraught at my being gone for 3 days.
Since then, there has been contact from the other man to WW, but responses from her have been short and dry. Reading here I certainly get the need for absolutely no more contact, doing a 180. For the past several months weve been going out a lot, genuinely enjoying dinners and margaritas., dated a couple times just us. We get along, and have fun together. But she keeps getting back to a point of being able to say she is just not feeling it. Heres the point, Something mental is going on with her too. She has suddenly become more interested in piercings, and tattoos and going out with girlfriends even when our financial situation is horrible.

Its been on her own dime, which is really credit cards and makes it difficult for me to compete, I with my own cc debt and desire to get rid of them, am operating off of a cash only basis.
She continuously seems to reach periods of dire unhappiness. Doesnt know why when asked, just is. Ive always been a caring, affectionate, and hard working man that takes all of my responsibilities seriously. So I really dont know how I could have contributed to this being as it is right now. 
She regularly reaches the point of saying she just isnt feeling it for me, as if love has gone from her. But then she will say she loves me, and kisses and hugs are available. 

She has been put on xanax by a dr. for anxiety attacks. or panic attacks. I dont think this is what is needed, though I believe she is needing help for depression or BPD. Seeing how its a huge rollercoaster of mood swings regularly. I even think that the EA with the other man was part of an "ego stroking" needed in the middle of her midlife crisis as well. Compounded with depression at least, massive debt, the inability to do too much together because of that, we are definitely on cruise control , and havent put or been able to put a whole lot into the "us" times in a long while. 2 deaths of people close to her in her family, major car repairs, and money flying out the window. It has been difficult for both of us, but it seems she maintains that her unhappiness in life is somehow connected to me.

Last weekend she was gone for a period of hours shopping, and says she was looking for Easter stuff. I asked her if she went and met someone else for lunch again, and she got irate at the suggestion and I know this to either be a continuation of the EA in the form of more deception, or it may very well be the truth.

I told her that I didnt want to be married to her anymore. Was tired of the blame on me, and she admitted fault for a lot of issues between us, but didnt want to divorce, just maybe seperate for a while to date and hopefully reconnect. 
The house we live in has both our names on the mortgage, and early this year due to her mothers eviction from her apt, invited her mom to come stay with us to get back on her feet. 

So now, I am faced with a lot of options that really suck for me.
Move out, date my wife, and hopefully reconnect. Pursue marriage counseling together and hope that helps. Miss out on tucking my child into bed every night. Face the possibility that I might actually LIKE being on my own and the freedom and weight lifted off of me. 

But I think I need to get my wife into a doctor who can really diagnose what is going on with her mentally. This depression and midlife crisis could be the difficulty behind most of what is going on with us. 

She has not been open with her cellphone or transparent about it. There are passwords in place, and my insistence would simply push her at this current mental period of freakishness to do something not conducive to ultimate reconciliation which is what I want, and deep down think she wants as well. 
I think she views having to seek IC as weakness. 

Is going to MC putting the cart before the horse, or can a MC diagnose disorders and make recommendations for medical intervention? 
Should I move out at this current stage in her life, because really, neither her or I can afford the house by ourselves, and I sure dont want to be stuck living alone with her mother!!!

Plus, I dont want to displace my child who has enjoyed time with the granny and school is close and her bedroom and toys and all.

Is there an effective way to promote getting my wife to consider a medical/mental check up to determine the cause of all of this unhappiness? I think a lot of the issues between us would start seeing improvement including the understanding for transparency, versus "privacy at all costs", and the understanding in her mind as to what problems she herself is contributing to her unhappiness. Debt, lack of priorities, lack of involvement with child, etc. 

She really needs to get on solid ground mentally, before she can really accept or appreciate the need for these closer/marital issues. at least in my opinion that is. 
The idea of demanding complete transparency would be lost to whatever illness is affecting her right now, which would ultimately involve divorce as I have reached the conclusion of.

She still wants to do things with me, like a major concert coming into town in a month or so, but theres an issue there about spending money that has contributed to her unhappiness by being in such a large amount of debt. 
I guess I am just trying to figure out the best course of action in terms of first things first as there are so many issues that need immediate action, and I dont want my child to suffer or myself for that matter, by moving out and seperating, and "doing what the wifey" wants at this point in time, when she doesnt even really know what that is, or if her suggestsions will help the situation and make it so she "feels it" between us again. 
:sleeping: WAKE UP, it wasnt that long...


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I would and was ready to pull the cold and hard card with demands of complete transparency, perhaps the full 180, etc., if I did not believe wholeheartedly that there is a mental issue if nor more going on with her. If I thought that she was genuinely in control of herself right now. I am not trying to make excuses for her, but this is not the person I married 10 years ago..
Why I think something is wrong is because her own willingness to accept and having voiced acceptance of her fault for ruining things, but also the dire unhappiness, and going from extremes of wanting to do things together and being affectionate, to saying she wished she knew how she got to this point so she could fix it. SO conflicting.


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## edot30 (Apr 19, 2011)

I wish I had some answers, and this is not an aspect of my relationship mentioned in other threads, but we have a lot of that going on as well.

Before my wife and I got together, when pregnant with her second child she sought help and was diagnosed with severe depression, which she took meds for. The depression was linked ina big way to her previous marraige to someone who would put her through walls regularly, and the timing of the pregnancy as she was just trying to leave when that happened. 

She tells me that the moment she first held our (well, her in this case) daughter she realized that she felt nothing for it. She was not at all excited about having the child, or upset, and that to her it felt like someone had handed her a bottle of water. She had been under a lot of depression medication for a while at the time, and contributes this feeling of emptyness to that, saying she didnt feel anything through the pregnancy either, and she is the type who absolutely loves kids. So a few months after she gave birth, she just stopped taking them, and ever since its a fight to get her to take anything for any reason, including Tylenol for a hedache. 

She later seperated from her ex, and we met. She was an extremely happy person at the time, who always had a smile on her face and was doing great managing life on her own with the kids. I realized later that she was always on the upside of the swings around me. . . 

She does the roller coaster thing a lot, and a few of the women in her family have been diagnosed as bi-polar, and take meds to help with that. I really think that she needs help, and that like you said, some of these issues causing stress and strain on the marraige, like her relationship with 'just a friend' are a direct result of a need for attention caused by depression and self-doubt. However, she glares if I suggest Tylenol when she has a headache, and to her, you only need to get help if you find yourself standing on a bridge ready to jump, or if you are a crazy person. To her, suggesting she talk to someone is like saying she is crazy, which is a MAJOR trigger for her, and she gets extremely upset very fast.

I wish I had some advice for you on how to handle this one, but I havent yet figured it out myself. I sincerely think that, much like your wife, if she would talk to someone, some of these issues like the constant need for male attention from somewhere would go away. . . It is just impossible to get there it seems.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Part of me wants to get away because I dont know what the truth is. Part of me wants to get away because I dont trust that what she has said about the EA was all there was to it. The thought of finding out something more. I envy (sort of) those who actually have at least the closure of knowing the worst has happened.
I keep coming back to reactionary thought. What is it I am going to do? Tell her to leave. She leaves and finds out life sucks and wants to be back with me. By that time im so happy without the burden of constant despair and resentment that I am unsure of accepting her back. OR, she doesnt.
So much for trying to "Plan" accordingly. This already has drug me down so much, I end up questioning my own motives and "if" my own mind is in the right place to make the best move for my kid and I. Sometimes its like I fear that I am unwilling to accept that I myself have been rejected. Is that megalomania? Narcissistic? Is it just my pride thats hurt? Thats no reason to make a move.. 
But now I get to know this lingering "event" will most certainly occur. whatever that "event" is, whether it be me moving out or her moving out, or MC working or not. Last nite the kiddo was laughing and playing with granny and overhearing that laughing, made me think of what I would be missing by moving out. I had to remove myself from the room to let it all out for a while. Wife, was asleep on the couch.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

im in something similar with you...

found out my wife was having an EA/PA with a coworker...

before i had proof and before d-day we started seeing a MC. she was willing to work on it, said she wanted to get back to us and that she was trying...

after d-day its been a differnt story. she really laid on the love you not inlove with you thing...said she cant be married to someone she doesnt love...but im her best friend and she doesnt want to lose me...

our MC suggested a 1 on 1 with her which happeened yesterday...forund out shes severly depressed...now of course that doesnt absolve her from the affair, it does explain her mood swings and alot of other things that have been happening the past x amount of months..

i fint that she hasa to work on her issues first and become a whole person before you can focus on the marriage side of it...yes you have to put down conditions, but it gets hard...

i wish i had more answers...the best im trying to do is being as supportive as possible


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Shooboomafoo, you need to seperate and get some of yorself back. This situation is not helping either of you.

I also spent months 'helping' my wife, she had post nalal depression, we moved away from friends and family, had a miscarriage, lost both grandparents who she was very close to. Lost wieght, suffered anxiety and panic attacks and eventually up in a EA/PA.

I have had the whole sorry, love you, dont love you, you caused my depression, etc. She also wanted us to date and get to know each other again because she doesnt want to lose me.

We've been seperated for 2 months and only now am I really starting to see the situation clearly. I actually have peace that I've done everything I can, dont have to worry about what she is or isnt thinking, second guessing her every move. Its heartbreaking and sad to lose tucking in your little one every night and to lose that compaionship which I had over 10 years of marriage.

BUT you lose even more if you stay in a situation that eats away at you. I'm spending great quality time with my daughter and cant beleive the amount of blame and emotional torment that I put up with. Yes, there is something wrong with my wife but everyone knows the difference between right and wrong, between caring for others and being selfish.

You are just an emotional crutch to her and she will never have to take any accountability as long as you make it easy for her.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

If it is BPD, poor impulse control is often comorbid (shows up along with it), particularly in the manic phase. Regular antidepressants won't be totally effective, either. She needs something targeted at BPD, specifically. I believe lithium is still the most commonly prescribed mood balancer.

BPD tends to run in families and one can certainly have a genetic predisposition. Undiagnosed and unmedicated, she will not improve and will probably worsen over time, if - again - BPD is the culprit.

You won't be able to force her to get help, but if she has a history of BPD in the family, going in for a few tests would certainly be a good idea. It does run in my family (I don't have it myself, though, just plain old depression  ), and I know a few friends with the diagnosis on lithium. From what I understand, it does not dull the experience of life in the sense of feeling disconnected, it just evens out the mood swings and aids in any related impulse control issues.

If she won't seek medical assistance, then you may well need to leave for a period of time - mainly to decide whether the effects of this possible illness are ones you are willing to tolerate, knowing they will not improve without medication and additional therapy.

CMA* - I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist; I just happen to have some personal experience with BPD in my family and a couple of friends.


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