# Is it just a friendship or something to worry about?



## mgg (Feb 25, 2015)

My husband of 7 ½ yrs. started a new job this past June and would come home saying that the women at his job provided favors for certain men and he was upset and wanted nothing to do with the job. Then at the end of July a female worker joined his district and he became her mentor. They worked closely and she became known as his work wife and work girlfriend (in a joking way) at our dinner table. He would share how she reminded him of me. Then he would come home saying that people were starting rumors about them having a “thing for each other”. In August he shared that she found out that she was pregnant from a male receptionist at work. Then in September he text me while at a restaurant that he wanted a 3some with him, her and me. I was outranged - he said he meant it in a joking way. I asked if he was attracted to her and he responded yes. I told him to stop it he needed to stop that “friendship b/c it could only lead to trouble. In October I asked what he had done about this woman and he responded that it was merely work and he had told her that. Then that same night we were about to have sex and his phone dinged it was a text from her asking “what was he was up to?” I asked him why this relationship was continuing and he responded he can’t control if she text him or not. I told him he needed to stop. In November, my mother passed and once again she’s texting him worried about how he was doing. She then clearly sent him a text in error saying she was “sweetie I’m on my way home with your expense check I’m pulling up into the driveway” clearly in error b/c no one was pulling up into our driveway. I again expressed my feeling and told him to cut the friendship. He told me to stop telling him what to do or he would leave. In December, once again I told him how this so called friendship with this woman was affecting me and our relationship and his response was there is nothing and im the one who is affecting our relationship. I told him for my wellbeing he needed to terminate that friendship. He said he was upset bc I didn’t trust him and as I told him, you had an affair in 2010 and lied about it for months then in 2013 I asked if you were spending money on playing online games while being unemployed and you lied it wasn’t until you spend over $600 in a month that I had proof and that was the only way to get you to admit what you were doing. How can I trust you with this woman? His response “you just do”, then in January he text me that one of his supervisors was aiding to the rumors and now saying that the baby was his (my husbands) and my husband was very upset about it. Every morning he greats me via text a ‘good morning sexy” or a simple “good morning” I thought that was a thing just reserved for me. However after checking his phone a couple of days ago no it’s not reserved he text her “good morning” as well exactly within minutes of him texting me. I asked why and he said there was nothing wrong with it. “What I can’t have friends?’” Then he turns the table and complains that before we have sex I ask that he showers since he doesn’t shower daily due to an eczema skin problem and how that makes him feel like im rejecting him. I apologize and let him know at times he smells what am I to do other than ask him to join me in the shower. Once again he threatens to leave and to quit his job. We live paycheck to paycheck and he makes under $10 an hour I show him and tell him about better job and he doesn’t apply anywhere. I don’t know what t0 think anymore, I know he erases text messages so that indicated he’s hiding something. What to do? Is this so called friendship okay? I’ve seen pics of here off the internet and well she’s definitely not all that and well neither was the woman he had an affair with. I’m trying to improve upon myself just b/c I feel that maybe losing 30 pounds would make him more attracted to me, not let him stray but I don’t know. He says he’s attracted to me he wants sex, but men always want sex all the time (pardon me). I just don’t understand why he can’t simply leave this woman alone. How do I make him see that this is affecting our marriage and he needs to stop? And what exactly does he have with the woman? His job requires them to go camping that worries me immensely. How do we move on to recovery?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If you didn't leave him when he cheated in 2010, and you didn't leave him when he lied about spending $600/month on gaming, are you going to leave him now that you know he's having an affair (either emotional affair, physical affair or most likely both)?

You have taught him that you will take whatever behavior he throws your way. It's time to walk away from this marriage because he is not a partner, just a cheating and lying husband.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

norajane said:


> If you didn't leave him when he cheated in 2010, and you didn't leave him when he lied about spending $600/month on gaming, are you going to leave him now that you know he's having an affair (either emotional affair, physical affair or most likely both)?
> 
> You have taught him that you will take whatever behavior he throws your way. It's time to walk away from this marriage because he is not a partner, just a cheating and lying husband.


This about sums up my thoughts too.

What good is this guy? He has affairs. Unemployed. Minimum wage job now. Spends $600 a month on games? I make a healthy salary. If I ever spent that money on games my wife would rightfully skin me alive.

He is a L-O-S-E-R. Dump him now.

BTW The second you wrote how he told you she was pregnant? I thought it's his baby. So did everyone else reading that. Funny that he then wanted a threesome with the two of you. That way whe the baby turns up his he has some kind of excuse, at least in his own warped mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

I rarely advocate leave, but respect yourself enough to get out of this relationship. Even if he stops being friends with her, you will never be able to trust him!


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Honestly if you have to ask this question then it's something to worry about. Your intuition about these things exists for a reason. Nature gave you that gift. Don't ignore it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

It's clearly just a friendship. Nothing to worry about.





Oh wait, that's just stupid.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

At the very least he is involved in some degree of an emotional affair. That's the reality. All the classic signs are there. 

With that said, I want to pause to sort of defend him for just a moment, not his actions or his decision making, but purely to suggest that he could just be completely ignorant of what he is doing and how it is wrong. Assuming that he believes what he is telling you and not just outright lying, then it doesn't neccessarily mean that he has some kind of a character flaw, or that it means he's an ******* or a bad husband/man, etc. Honestly, everyone has a tendency to try to fool themselves into believing that they aren't doing something wrong, because no one wants to believe that they are bad people, no one wants to accept that they are committing wrong on an ongoing basis. All of us will tend to view our own behaviors/choices in the most positive possible light, no matter the seriousness of the issue at hand. Maybe you cut someone off in traffic, or take two slices of cake at the company Christmas party when you were supposed to only have two, or rounded up your work hours this week on your time card at your job. Surely you can imagine little excuses you could employ for each of those things to make them "not so bad." With an EA, it's really no different.

Sorry for how long this is going to get, but I want to post my own personal example of my own EA and how ignorant I was of the whole thing, as I think my story relates really well to yours. I made the post below on another thread with a similar situation, so I'm just going to copy and paste it below, I hope it helps!: 

I'll use myself and my EA as an example from a few years ago with a female co-worker, because I feel like there are a lot of similarities to your story. At the time, I denied I was doing anything wrong and I truly believed it, it wasn't a lie, I just didn't understand how destructive the "friendship" with the other woman was to my marriage or that there was anything wrong with it at all. In my view, she was just a co-worker and a good friend. Along with a third male co-worker, we chatted off and on throughout the day, had lunch together probably 3-4 days a week, hung out outside of work probably 3-4 times a month (often times at my home). We were comfortable enough with each other to discuss literally anything, so nothing was considered too perverse, including our sex lives and even sexual interests. She and I even flew across the country to visit a mutual friend/co-worker together for a few days. We chatted via text or online with some frequency, but not obsessively every day. We were so close at work, that other co-workers even called us "Work Spouses," which we adopted completely and called each other that title openly in a joking manner, even in front of my wife. My phone had her contact info programed as "Work Wife" even. My REAL wife was very uncomfortable with the whole thing of course, but only rarely expressed this discomfort out of fear of being viewed as controlling or jealous. I probably hinted a few times that her concern could be borderline controlling. The two times she (OW) and I were out of town together, when I came home, my wife was waiting at home in bed in lingerie, which NEVER happened, so that too was a good sign that she was concerned about me and the female co-worker because she felt like she needed to 'reclaim me' in some form or quickly forget about the OW perhaps.

Now here is how I defended it all. For starters, we never expressed any form of romantic or sexual interest in each other, and speaking for myself I know I never had an interest in her in that way either, which some who knew us might find surprising. 90% of the time that she and I were talking, hanging out, having lunch together, etc., our third male co-worker friend was with us as he was an equally close friend of both of us, the three of us called ourselves the "Trifecta," so it was rare that we were alone together or spoke truly privately. When we traveled across the country, we stayed with our mutual male friend at his home, in separate bedrooms. She was married too, and anytime we did hang out outside of the office, our spouses were always welcome to be there as well, so it was never a private thing by design. I was aware of my wife's discomfort with the friendship, but my response was to try to be as honest as I could with her about everything and involve her as much as possible so that she could see it was innocent. My intentions with that were certainly good, but that didn't make it right. In my view, I never lied to her about anything with this woman, but when I look back, I can probably imagine instances where I didn't tell the whole truth, not because I had done anything specifically wrong that I wanted to cover up, but maybe because I didn't want her to think that I had done anything wrong. One example, on our trip across the country to visit the friend, we had two days where our friend was working from roughly 8a-6p, during which we had to entertain ourselves. One of those days we decided to go on a hike in the mountains by ourselves, but when my wife asked how we spend those two days during the friends work day, I think I left that part out because I didn't want her to wonder if we had done anything inappropriate while alone together in the mountains. Certainly we didn't do anything inappropriate when we were on the hike, but my leaving that out was a lie by omission, and should have been a warning sign for me.

Despite there never being a romantic/sexual interest involved or expressed/discussed between her and I, I still would call it an EA. (Some would argue that a true EA at least involves a romantic/sexual interest, without actual physical contact) Either way, I can look back and realize I was wrong for a few key reasons. 1. No married person should be THAT close of friends with another opposite sex individual, regardless of any other factors. 2. No married person should discuss sexual matters or personal issues within his/her marriage with another opposite sex person. 3. If you feel like you need to lie, mislead, omit details, etc. in defense of a friendship/relationship to your spouse, then that automatically means it has probably gotten to an inappropriate level, regardless of whether any obviously inappropriate lines have been crossed. 4. While there is a fine line between a spouse who is overly jealous or controlling of your personal relationships, if your spouse is clearly uncomfortable about a particular opposite sex friendship/relationship over a period of time, then you owe it to him/her to stop and reevaluate the nature of that friendship/relationship with the other person. Since my wife didn't have a history of jealousy or controlling other friendships with women, her ongoing discomfort alone should have been enough for me to see that this friendship was a problem that needed to be addressed. Again, I don't want to say that just because your spouse is uncomfortable about a friendship of yours automatically means that you should end that friendship, because some people can become overly jealous/controlling by nature which is a problem that should be addressed, but if your spouse doesn't have that tendency, then it is probably best that you end or make an adjustment to that friendship out of love/respect for your spouse.


So my point in all that was to say that in my case, I really had no idea that I was doing anything wrong, and therefore it certainly wasn't intentional. When our first counselor first suggested that maybe my friendship with the other woman qualified as an EA, I was very defensive because I really did not agree at all, I didn't think I had crossed any boundary lines, so I too thought that maybe this was just an overly sensitive counselor and maybe we aught to find someone else. That's genuinely how I felt, and my justifications for that perception weren't crazy or manipulative at all, they were just missing the point and I didn't realize that damage had been done regardless. I don't feel that this misunderstanding made me a bad man/husband, just an ignorant one.

So I say all of that because once I realized where I was wrong and misunderstanding things, I was able to truly make amends with the situation and I think if you asked my wife today, she'd probably say that I've turned a complete 180 from the man I was before our marriage broke down. Certainly I'm not perfect by any stretch, and even realizing I was wrong doesn't mean I haven't occasionally repeated old bad habits because habits take TIME to break, not just a realization that they are bad. It is however possible for a guy in that situation to have this sort of wake-up call and, with time and reinforcement, truly make big changes that enable him to be a far better man/husband than he ever was before.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You have tolerated his foul and cheating behavour for so long he knows he can get away with whatever he pleases.

Stop kidding yourself. Deep down you know his relationship with this work colleague is not ok, especially more so given his track record of past infedelity.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*:iagree: Lose him like a bad habit! And tell him not to let the door hit him in the ass when he leaves!

You can do far, far better, m'dear, than with the likes of him!!*


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I know I'm a detective and just naturally suspicious, but he tells you she's pregnant by "some guy" at work in August. If he identified this guy, he didn't reveal that name to you, apparently. The next month, he's asking you to have a threesome with her and him. In January, he's telling you there are rumors at work that the baby is his. If he had never suggested a threesome before in almost 8 years, why with her, why within a month of her getting pregnant? If you had agreed and it turned out the baby was his, there would have been no evidence of an affair. She could have plausibly gotten pregnant during the threesome that you would have agreed to. Last month, knowing you were already beyond over hearing about this woman, he tells you there's a rumor at work that the baby is his. Why would he tell you that? A suspicious mind might imagine he's preparing for you to hear it from someone else and he wants you to believe it's BS before you do. If she actually is pregnant, things could get interesting around May or so.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> I know I'm a detective and just naturally suspicious, but he tells you she's pregnant by "some guy" at work in August. If he identified this guy, he didn't reveal that name to you, apparently. The next month, he's asking you to have a threesome with her and him. In January, he's telling you there are rumors at work that the baby is his. If he had never suggested a threesome before in almost 8 years, why with her, why within a month of her getting pregnant? If you had agreed and it turned out the baby was his, there would have been no evidence of an affair. She could have plausibly gotten pregnant during the threesome that you would have agreed to. Last month, knowing you were already beyond over hearing about this woman, he tells you there's a rumor at work that the baby is his. Why would he tell you that? A suspicious mind might imagine he's preparing for you to hear it from someone else and he wants you to believe it's BS before you do. If she actually is pregnant, things could get interesting around May or so.


:slap:


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Wow..... Just wow.


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## mgg (Feb 25, 2015)

Thank you for your reply. According to him he wants to hide nothing that is why he told me about the rumors. This is also why he says he told me about the OW AKA his friend. 
I do believe he is having an EA – why IDK. I try to keep things new, always trying new things from new lingerie to new adult toys even a swing. However, I’m not obsessed with having sex nightly and I believe in good hygiene. I will say, every man that I have been in a relationship has cheated with someone else and I truly begin to wonder if it is me. I’m a mother of 2 and I work hard – I’m a teacher and I do volunteer. However, I have always made time for my significant other – I just don’t understand why they have all cheated. Yes, I have asked to go to counseling yet he refuses – I don’t get that either.
Sadly, I do recognize that I may indeed have to divorce. After all what message would I be sending my kids (my son – it’s okay to be involved with another woman while married and to have non appropriate friendships while married / my daughter – a woman must put up with whatever a man dishes out). My heart and mind ache. I have often wondered how he would feel and what he would do if the show was on the other foot. I guess that doesn’t matter he has often said he wishes I would cheat that way the field would be even. When I ask if he would leave if I did – I have get no response other than idk and we would have to see. I simply don’t understand.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

An EA doesn't get anyone pregnant and the woman you suspect he's having an EA with is reportedly pregnant, allegedly by some guy at work. Who's the daddy? Does she have more than one work husband or work boyfriend? He wanted you to have a threesome with the girlfriend of one of his work buddies? Wouldn't that make things a little awkward for him at work? If being open and honest with you is a huge deal for him, what's up with his deleting his text messages?


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