# sex once a week not enough??



## lovemyboys (Jun 14, 2011)

Hi everyone, I'm new here and this is my first post. My husband and I have an unusual situation where he works two hours away Monday am through Friday pm. Which leaves me by myself with our two boys to manage everything else. We've been doing this for 14 months and it has taken a toll on our sex life. Right now I'm pregnant, but even before I was I often felt pressured to have sex in those two days he was home. Although I know we need to "do it" because there was only those 2 days made it seem like it was do or die! If we didn't have sex by saturday he would get wicked pissy. But, we always have sex at least once a week and i've tried to keep the spark alive in other ways as well...sending sexy photos, hot and heavy text messages, even a breathy voice mail. But, for whatever reason, I'm not satisfying his needs and he wants more. So, I recently sent him some page address to sites suggesting ways to get me more in the "mood". It sparked a HUGE fight and now we aren't talking. Just curious if anyone wants to chime in and let me know their opinion. I'm stumped as I've explained how I feel to him in many different ways, but maybe I'm not saying the right thing? Is once a week too little given our circumstance?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I am female and if we only had sex once a week I would be very upset . he's reaching out to you with a real need need . if you ignore him it's going to cause huge damage to your marriage . do you love him ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Once a week would seem like a booty tsunami to me.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

How you asked him how much HE thinks is reasonable? Most men are going to want more than once a week - but it sounds like you are trying really hard and he should have been more open to your suggestions.

Even more than frequency, I would say that your attitude when you're having sex is a HUGE, HUGE part of it. I want my wife to be fully engaged, enjoying herself as much as I am. I need to know that she is crazy about me, wants me, craves doing all kinds of nasty thing to me. For me it is about stroking my fragile masculine egos as much as it is about getting my rocks off. I'm pretty sure this is true of most guys, including your husband.

If you act like you are doing him some favor and he can sense that you just want to get it over with, he'll finish, and it will be ok, but it will be "never enough."


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

I would say put the same amount of effort into your sexlife that you put into taking care of the rest of your families life. I'm sure you feel pressured to get other things done and you make it happen. I would even go so far as to say drop some of the other things that you have going. Also, he's crazy if he blows up because you show him some things to turn you on. That's just selfish and something that should be addressed. Communication is everything in a long term relationship. He'll pay for being that way eventually.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

lovemyboys- just wondering if he did/does the same for you - sending you hot photos of himself....sexy txt messages etc.?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Any chance you two could move to that place he has to work?

Realistically, if you are not having sex eventually HE will.

Your H is cut off from you a week at a time.

Find a way to get your head in the game.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Maybe your husband thinks like you are doing a bait and switch. You send him sexy messages and photos all week and then when he's home you tell him you need help getting in the mood. This is not what you mean but that is the message he's probably taking in. You probably hurt his ego, too, by implying that he's not turning you on enough to get you to want sex. 

Having said all that, I understand how it would be tough after being a single mom all week that you would be hot and heavy and ready to go the minute your husband gets home. 

Tell your husband that you feel like your busy life gets you distracted from him and HE turns you on. Tell him what would help you keep your focus on him during the week....sexy texts, phone calls, etc. And on the day he's coming home, create rituals that will get you thinking about sex and make you aroused. For me, just showering and shaving all those special places in anticipation of having sex can be a turn on. Put on sex lingerie, perfume, and whatever else will get your motor running. 

After a week of you sending your hubby sexy photos and calls, he's going to be ready to go...because you've set him up to be in the mood. So follow through!


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## BeverlyO (May 27, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> Maybe your husband thinks like you are doing a bait and switch. You send him sexy messages and photos all week and then when he's home you tell him you need help getting in the mood. This is not what you mean but that is the message he's probably taking in. You probably hurt his ego, too, by implying that he's not turning you on enough to get you to want sex.
> 
> Having said all that, I understand how it would be tough after being a single mom all week that you would be hot and heavy and ready to go the minute your husband gets home.
> 
> ...


I absolutely agree with these words! :iagree:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Once a week? All you need is six more husbands.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you were averse to sex, why did you get married? Didn't you understand that being someone's mate would involve some mating? I don't enjoy playing basketball, so I didn't sign up for the Lakers.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I'm sure being pregnant and feeling lonely all week is not helping matters. I agree that you guys might need to figure out a way to move so that your husband can be home with your family every night. What you guys are living sounds pretty suckish.

I suggest that all day Friday you think about sex. Think sexy thoughts, wear your sexy underwear, read a little erotica or something. Do things that make you feel feminine and girly and sexy. Get yourself geared up for sex!

After you put the kids to bed just find your husband and _take him_. He should pick up your cue's and start ravishing you.

Repeat the process on Saturday and Sunday.

The way you two are approaching sex right now has turned it in to a burden and a chore. You need to bring the fun and the sexy back into it. You need to flirt and tease eachother throughout the day while you are together. Laughing together can really make a huge difference! If you weren't pregnant I would also recommend playing chase, wrestle, tickle type things together.

Do you guys have phone sex during the week while he is gone? I would consider calling him at least one night a week and you two can go at it over the phone.


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## lovemyboys (Jun 14, 2011)

You all had really good suggestions. To answer some your questions, 

clipclop, yes, I do love him, but he isn't exactly turning me on. 

To nader, I know at least twice would be better and "acceptable" to him, but we do sometimes have sex 2x on the w/e, but it has to b every w/e for him. Plus yes, I'm sure I don't seem very eager the majority of the time to have sex, but once I get in the zone, I'm make up for lost time  He's never complained about the quality, just the quantity.

Surfergirl, no. He won't initiate any sex talk, text, photos, phone calls during the week. He might reply to a few sexy text here and there, but that's it. I'll get a good morning text on days when we aren't arguing, but this living situation is very stressful and he isn't very understanding to my needs.

Michzz, we are planning on moving this summer, but it depends on a court battle I'm fighting w/ my ex to take my son with me. Needless to say that doesn't help the stress level.

Unbelievable, I never said I was adverse to sex. I LOVE sex! I need a sound proof room so my kids don't hear kinda gal. I said my husband isn't doing a good job of getting me MORE in the mood. Also, when I married, it didn't mean he didn't have to do anything to get me turned on. I'm a woman, not a machine. I don't just say "oh, you're my mate now get naked." If I can't get him to stop playing a online video game for sex, what makes you think I should stop what I'm doing and screw him just because he's my mate?

Notaname, we don't have phone sex as I can barely get him to admit he's masturbated. I had to encourage him to do it because he said he didn't like masturbating and he didn't like the way it made him feel. Not sure what that was all about, but I've been unable to comfortably talk about it with him. I'll talk about when I do it and he loves that, but he won't tell me. Just last week, I left him a voicemail of me while I was masturbating. But, when he blew up at me, he gave me crap for wanting to f a toy instead of him. It was the first time I had used that toy without him and that's why I sent him that voicemail. I feel like I can't win.

Part of the problem, is that when he gets home on the weekends, he has little to give and is often crappy, short, impatient and tired. Not exactly a person I'm excited to see. My weeks are calm, all be it crazy busy when he's at work. But when he comes home, it's tense. He's tense. So, it doesn't really do anything for my libido. He never "relieves me" of my motherly duties willingly and complains that everything should be done by Friday so he doesn't have to do anything. Even though Saturday nights dishes are from Saturday, somehow he manages to blame that on me. Not really "get me in the mood" kind of talk. Especially when I'm pretty damn handy and take care of so much stuff during the week. And, it's not like he gets a honey do list on the weekends either. I fixed the dishwasher by myself last week, took it apart and put it back together so he didn't have to. But, it gets me no where. So, hence, I'm here trying to figure this out.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

> To nader, I know at least twice would be better and "acceptable" to him, but we do sometimes have sex 2x on the w/e, but it has to b every w/e for him. Plus yes, I'm sure I don't seem very eager the majority of the time to have sex, but once I get in the zone, I'm make up for lost time He's never complained about the quality, just the quantity.


I may have been projecting just a tad from my own situation there.. sounds like you guys could really stand for this move to work out. Best of luck to the both of you.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

It sounds like your needs really aren't being met and that he may have some unresolved issues that he needs to take care of. Who would want to have sex with someone who is always grumpy and unhelpful?

I think it is good that you pointed him towards some things he can do to help get you in the mood. If he cares about you he will need to make some effort to meet your needs, too.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You would be surprised at how much happier a guy who is getting enough sex can be. My h was just like you describe in his previous marriage. Night and day with me because I want sex with him and I give it to him. He is happy and helpful because he appreciates the differe.ce.

And every weekend doesn't sound too demanding to me. If you don't see one another, when else are you going to do it? 

I get that he isn't endearing himself to you. But if you make a change in this area he may be more likely to change in areas that you require. Try an experiment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

At one time my husband worked out of town Mon-Fri and only came home on weekends.

Not only did he expect sex on both Sat and Sun, so did I.

I, as a woman, actually don't think that's unreasonable at all. 

Sex on the two days he's home - sounds reasonable to me.

Is that really that much of a sacrifice for you? That means you get 5 days off every week, which equates to 20 days per month, which means you are only having sex at a minimum 10 days per month which only equals 10% of your time a month loving your husband.

Is that too much to ask? NOPE.


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## lovemyboys (Jun 14, 2011)

Ok, maybe I'm not making myself clear... To the people that keep saying 2 days isn't that much 2 ask... I LIKE SEX! I don't need 5 days off! I just wish my husband did more than be a grumpy stick in the mud. It's a total turn off. I tried to show him ways to get me more in the mood so we can have sex more. I'm not opposed to having more sex. I'm just opposed to having sex with someone who's turning me off more often than not.

Thank you notaname for your insight!! It's much appreciated and I think your right. He has some issues he needs to deal with. And by far, my needs are definitely not being met. The trouble I'm having is how to get in the zone even though my needs aren't being met. I really enjoy sex, but not just for the sake of sex. My desire comes from being fulfilled in my marriage and since I'm not its hard to get in the mood. I masturbate often and desire sex on a regular basis. Usually around 3pm everyday. It's like clock work.lol But, for some reason, when he comes home he just turns me off. And since sending him those web addresses for suggestions on how to help get me in the mood just sparked a huge fight, now I don't know what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

lovemyboys said:


> Ok, maybe I'm not making myself clear... To the people that keep saying 2 days isn't that much 2 ask... I LIKE SEX! I don't need 5 days off! I just wish my husband did more than be a grumpy stick in the mud. It's a total turn off. I tried to show him ways to get me more in the mood so we can have sex more. I'm not opposed to having more sex. I'm just opposed to having sex with someone who's turning me off more often than not.
> 
> Thank you notaname for your insight!! It's much appreciated and I think your right. He has some issues he needs to deal with. And by far, my needs are definitely not being met. The trouble I'm having is how to get in the zone even though my needs aren't being met. I really enjoy sex, but not just for the sake of sex. My desire comes from being fulfilled in my marriage and since I'm not its hard to get in the mood. I masturbate often and desire sex on a regular basis. Usually around 3pm everyday. It's like clock work.lol But, for some reason, when he comes home he just turns me off. And since sending him those web addresses for suggestions on how to help get me in the mood just sparked a huge fight, now I don't know what to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



He can't complain about lack of sex and then not be willing to listening to you on how to get you turned on. I don't see a problem with the websites but maybe switch up your texts to give him ideas of what you want him to do when he gets home. Maybe he thinks the sending the websites is blaming him for the issue and he's getting defensive. It's hard to feel sorry for him when you've tried to be open with him. Many men would love that.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

lovemyboys said:


> Ok, maybe I'm not making myself clear... To the people that keep saying 2 days isn't that much 2 ask... I LIKE SEX! I don't need 5 days off! I just wish my husband did more than be a grumpy stick in the mud. It's a total turn off. I tried to show him ways to get me more in the mood so we can have sex more. I'm not opposed to having more sex. I'm just opposed to having sex with someone who's turning me off more often than not.
> 
> Thank you notaname for your insight!! It's much appreciated and I think your right. He has some issues he needs to deal with. And by far, my needs are definitely not being met. The trouble I'm having is how to get in the zone even though my needs aren't being met. I really enjoy sex, but not just for the sake of sex. My desire comes from being fulfilled in my marriage and since I'm not its hard to get in the mood. I masturbate often and desire sex on a regular basis. Usually around 3pm everyday. It's like clock work.lol But, for some reason, when he comes home he just turns me off. And since sending him those web addresses for suggestions on how to help get me in the mood just sparked a huge fight, now I don't know what to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It seems like it may be time for a heart to heart. I don't know how realistic marriage counseling is in your current situation, but it sounds like it could be helpful. Maybe even some personal counseling for your H.

You can do as much as you can to change yourself and your own attitude. But, when it comes down to it, you need him to step up and make some changes.

It is interesting for me to hear that you have the libido that you do and that you are literally turned off by him.
There is a thing called "Love Busters" and it may be helpful. Sounds like he walks in and starts doing things that are your love busters. You can find more info about it at the Marriage Builders website: Love Busters

I believe that having sex with someone who turns you off is soul crushing. See if you can reframe it mentally and look at it as an experiment or challenge--something that you guys are going to figure out and will get better. This helped me a lot. I even set goals for myself. It made me feel hopeful and like I could help change the dynamic that I didn't like. At least then I know I did everything I could. If that makes sense.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I just wanted to chime in with a word of understanding about living apart. I love sex. I love sex with my OH. What I don't love is parenting single-handed 10 days or whatever, him get here and suddenly son is behaving 100% better and we can't talk about the resentments about him not living with us fulltime and yet however much I might WANT to get fired up to make love, and KNOW it's not just sex for men, it can be equally emotional and shows them we love and want them, it is NOT so straightforward for (most/some) women. (long rambling sentence but I think OP might understand) 
If he arrives and there's almost instant friction with son, it impacts on us. If he arrives and there's an unspoken 'need' to have sex, it impacts on us. If we both know there are a finite number of days to try to catch up on our sex life, it impacts on us. And you're pregnant as well. 
I'm sure some will say 'well just get over yourself' - mmmm maybe. Wish it were that simple.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He should not be getting annoyed about ideas on how to turn you on.
I don't understand why couples don't put the effort in to turn each other on. He needs to understand that you are a woman and your mind needs to be in the right place. 

I find I have a high sex drive but it has to be maintained, my SO has to let me know he thinks I'm attractive, I need some dirty talk, and I like a bit of dominance.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Syrum said:


> He should not be getting annoyed about ideas on how to turn you on.
> I don't understand why couples don't put the effort in to turn each other on. He needs to understand that you are a woman and your mind needs to be in the right place.
> 
> I find I have a high sex drive but it has to be maintained, my SO has to let me know he thinks I'm attractive, I need some dirty talk, and I like a bit of dominance.


I think Syrum's first and third lines are key. Many people (possibly mostly men?) would probably say if you're apart for five days you should be gagging to be in/on each other by Friday. My OH thinks the same. We've not been together for X days, why aren't you all over me? It's just not that straightforward, and in OP's (and my) cases kids and parenting is enough to make a huge difference.... so when any kind of emotional pressure is applied putting the onus on us to be sexy 'to order' it doesn't work. Add in any issues which happened by text or phone during those five days - and never underestimate how frustrating it is to 'fall out' at a distance and not be able to see facial expressions, make a lighthearted comment face to face, take a conciliatory cup of coffee, have a hug to say sorry etc - and the whole thing can oh so easily go ratsh!t.
Back to Syrum's comments - yes, a bit of affection/emotional reassurance FOLLOWED UP BY (get the order right!) a bit of frisky talk, both before and after the date of arrival home, and I'd be a whole lot hotter for him when we get back from the airport


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## JessiTexas40s (May 28, 2011)

My husband used to travel about 300-330 days a year. When he got home he would pull up my dress at a funeral if it happened to be that day. This went on for over 9 yrs, during which time I raised our two daughters alone except financially, which he provided. Sometimes he would walk thru the door and all I wanted to do was kiss him hello/goodbye in the same kiss, say "they're all yours and go sleep at a friend's house for the night. It's been 14 yrs now that he's been home every night, and he was very HD until the hormone fairy (perimenopause) sprinkled horny dust on me And now that I'm HD miraculously he's LD, amazing. MEN! Im starting to wish I had developed a serious relashionship with a sperm bank. Oh, and for your hubby, either move to where he works or buy him a blow up doll. I mean how can you have sex with someone who isn't there????


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So there's all this noise, this real world **** going on when he gets home. The essential problem is time compression. Wife needs a break from being single head of household, and hubby wants some welcome home chicka chicka bow woww.

How about brunch at a local hotel followed by going up to the room and screwing your brains out like zoo animals. And leaving the mess for the chambermaid to clean up. 

That would be my plan. Both days.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovemyboys (Jun 14, 2011)

Notaname, Wow! Thank you so much for your advice! I will definitely look into your reading suggestions. Madimoff, syrum and jessie, thank you all for sharing your advice and experiences. All of you have been really helpful  I hope to move forward armed with all of the advice and ideas that have been given to me by the truly helpful ones. This was my first time posting and it has been so great to get all this excellent help! Thanks again!
Oh, and RLAD, did I mention I have 2 kids under 7? I'd love a to escape to a hotel as long as you are willing to babysit for 2 days! LOL! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I am sure someone can sit for 4 or 5 hours on one or both days. I'm not talking overnights. I'm talking wine, waffles and poontang.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

From being on this site, I'm learning that my wife and I are pretty old fashioned. Not at all suggesting that some of the views here are inferior, because I've learned so much, and it has helped us. We do average three to four times per week, but it would dry up if I was away during the week if I didn't make that connection with her regularly. I just can't picture her being able to just turn it into a sex act, a switch that can be turned on without some face to face time. That's the old fashioned part. I still pursue her.

Not sure about his end of the conversations when he is away. Does he remind you every time he talks to you that he misses you beside him? Describe his fantasies of you, and what he wants to do when the two of you see each other again? There needs to be some longing. I travel frequently, and we have our own style of pursuit in our conversations. It builds tension as the days pass. When I spent six months on an assignment coming home every weekend, but half of the trips on my own dime, we rarely made it past the sofa beside the front door. After a few years, we guys learn the visual images that affect our wives when we speak of them, and maybe the key for him is to really focus on that.


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