# Bet this is a new one for you guys and gals



## NavyBlue (Jun 22, 2014)

Long story as short as possible. Meet my wife 7 years ago. Everything was great! We were very active (couple times a week). After 2 years we got married. Leading up to it the sex had slowed down a little but still fairly regular. We got married in november and the next march (4 months later) she decided she needed to get blood work done to see if she needed to go back on thyroid meds because she had been feeling somewhat tired.


Later that day the Dr called her back freaking out because her creatinine was really high (kidney failure). Nobody could figure out why her kidneys were failing so we took her to Hopkins and low and behold they found sarcoidosis (granulomus type disease that is extremely rare for it to attack kidneys) had attacked her kidneys. They put her on meds to halt the sarc and she regained a little function. It bought her almost 3 years of not needing dialysis. Sex at this time was maybe once a week sometimes once every other.


Well she is now 2 years into home hemo dialysis which I have to help her with 4 evenings a week after work. Each treatment takes about 3 hours start to finish. The last 2 years has been maybe once a month for sex and that is only because I push and virtually beg her. I am a very sexual person. I could easily go 3 times a day every day.


They claim most woman regain there drive after they get a transplant but a few don't. It is looking like another 1 to 2 years before she gets a transplant. I love my wife dearly and don't want to be with anybody else. BUT its been bad enough that finding somebody on the side has crossed my mind. For me sex is not am emotional thing at all. 


She is 40 and I am 35. This has completely taken the chance of her having kids off the table so we now have an egg donor and surrogate that just reached the first trimester. Not only do we rarely ever have sex but it has completely taken away even trying to have a chiuld naturally. How many people have had that taken away for crying out loud? I cant and will never ever be able to even try to father a child naturally. That bothers me big time. Its like taking away your manhood. Yes my stuff works (actually incredible sperm test results) because we have a child on the way but to never in my life even be able to try naturally? It is all bearing down on me at this point and some on the side is seriously looking better and better every day. I will say I am not religious at all so please don't spew the marriage stuff on me. I only have one life and a major part has been taken away from me.





I feel like my situation is 1 in a million. Anybody have any thoughts or ideas on this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NavyBlue said:


> Long story as short as possible. Meet my wife 7 years ago. Everything was great! We were very active (couple times a week). After 2 years we got married. Leading up to it the sex had slowed down a little but still fairly regular. We got married in november and the next march (4 months later) she decided she needed to get blood work done to see if she needed to go back on thyroid meds because she had been feeling somewhat tired.
> 
> 
> Later that day the Dr called her back freaking out because her creatinine was really high (kidney failure). Nobody could figure out why her kidneys were failing so we took her to Hopkins and low and behold they found sarcoidosis (granulomus type disease that is extremely rare for it to attack kidneys) had attacked her kidneys. They put her on meds to halt the sarc and she regained a little function. It bought her almost 3 years of not needing dialysis. Sex at this time was maybe once a week sometimes once every other.
> ...


I'm not sure why you think your story is unique. A lot of people get seriously ill at one time or another in their lives. 20% of all couples can not have children.

I had a pregnancy that ended with still born twins in the 6th month. Due to complications after that pregnancy I could not have any children. So my husband was left just like you. He was capable of fathering children. I was not capable of getting pregnant.

I suppose he felt a lot like you and held me responsible for this. We did adopt a child a few years later. But he chose to also cheat on me.He cheated continually with many women. I only found out about this a few years later. 

You are not some poor victim that has been deprived. 

You and your wife already have a baby on the way via a surrogate. You will have a child. IN the end it does not matter where a child comes from. My adopted child is every bit as loved as any bio-child would be.

So what is your plan for cheating? To cheat and "naturally" impregnate women you cheat with? 

I understand that have an ill wife is no fun. I understand the desire to have children.. which you are having. What I don't understand is the complete disrespect for your wife in your thoughts about cheating on her.

Do her a favor and divorce her. The last thing she needs is to have a husband who disrespects her to the point of cheating on her because she cannot have children.

Your wife has the right to know what you are thinking and planning. Tell her. Let her decide if she wants to me married to a man who disrespects her to this level. She has that right.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

NavyBlue said:


> Long story as short as possible. Meet my wife 7 years ago. Everything was great! We were very active (couple times a week). After 2 years we got married. Leading up to it the sex had slowed down a little but still fairly regular. We got married in november and the next march (4 months later) she decided she needed to get blood work done to see if she needed to go back on thyroid meds because she had been feeling somewhat tired.
> 
> 
> Later that day the Dr called her back freaking out because her creatinine was really high (kidney failure). Nobody could figure out why her kidneys were failing so we took her to Hopkins and low and behold they found sarcoidosis (granulomus type disease that is extremely rare for it to attack kidneys) had attacked her kidneys. They put her on meds to halt the sarc and she regained a little function. It bought her almost 3 years of not needing dialysis. Sex at this time was maybe once a week sometimes once every other.
> ...


Exactly what religious married stuff do you think people are going to "spew" on you? May i remind you that you did post on a Pro-Marriage site so I'm at a loss as to what you want. Religious or not, you did commit to your wife in good times and in bad so it appears that you are dealing with the bad right now.

If you're hoping for people to approve of you taking a concubine or a surrogate so you can have children, then you've likely come to the wrong place. I'm not sure what to tell you as you apparently don't want to read any marriage stuff.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NavyBlue said:


> I will say I am not religious at all so please don't spew the marriage stuff on me. I only have one life and a major part has been taken away from me.


Adultery can be claimed as the basis for divorce, even in most no-fault states. 

In some states, the spouse who is adulterous ends up losing more in divorce because it's a breach of contract. Marriage in most places is not a religious thing... it's a civil contract. Even if a couple is married in a Church, the only legal binding part of the event is the signing of the legal civil contract.

And as the post above says, this is a marriage forum. You will get advice about how either working on your marriage or to leave your marriage. You will get no support for your self-pity and adultery. 

No matter how you feel about marriage, religion and your obligation to abide by the legal civil marriage contract you signed, you cheating on your wife will destroy your wife emotionally. So just know that if you cheat, you are making a conscious choice to harm your wife.


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## NavyBlue (Jun 22, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I'm not sure why you think your story is unique. A lot of people get seriously ill at one time or another in their lives. 20% of all couples can not have children.
> 
> I had a pregnancy that ended with still born twins in the 6th month. Due to complications after that pregnancy I could not have any children. So my husband was left just like you. He was capable of fathering children. I was not capable of getting pregnant.
> 
> ...





It has nothing to do with not being able to have children and I certainly don't want to get anybody else pregnant. It is all about having sex taken away from me and nothing can be done about it plain and simple. Until she gets a transplant nothing will change and even then it is possible it still wont change. Do I sit back and say "oh well i am married and I guess I cant have sex for 3 to 5 years or more". Is that right and ok in everybody's mind? I guess it boils down really to me it is just sex. I know it must make me sound like a terrible person and I am really not. The lack of sex and intimacy is really throwing my mind and hormones into a tizzy.

And I am sorry to hear about what happened with you and your husband. My wife mentioned adopting. Told her that's not for me as I wasn't interested in raising somebody else child. I know this all sounds very selfish. Maybe it is but I just see my life slipping away with a huge void in it that I will never get back or make up for.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

NavyBlue said:


> Long story as short as possible. Meet my wife 7 years ago. Everything was great! We were very active (couple times a week). After 2 years we got married. Leading up to it the sex had slowed down a little but still fairly regular. We got married in november and the next march (4 months later) she decided she needed to get blood work done to see if she needed to go back on thyroid meds because she had been feeling somewhat tired.
> 
> 
> Later that day the Dr called her back freaking out because her creatinine was really high (kidney failure). Nobody could figure out why her kidneys were failing so we took her to Hopkins and low and behold they found sarcoidosis (granulomus type disease that is extremely rare for it to attack kidneys) had attacked her kidneys. They put her on meds to halt the sarc and she regained a little function. It bought her almost 3 years of not needing dialysis. Sex at this time was maybe once a week sometimes once every other.
> ...




Wow, I really feel for you. Life isn't always fair that's for sure.

Her getting this disease and treatments wasn't done by her and her fault and good for you toughing it out so far.

Sex maybe 1x month? You could have sex 1 - 3x day? Ummmm, that's me as well!!!

There is nothing stopping her from giving you BJ's, oiled breast, hand and foot jobs.

More than likely she won't get much of a sex drive, so that's done and over with.

Either you put up with a sexless marriage and never having kids......or you peacefully and lovingly divorce her, still keep in contact and be good friends and find another woman who has a high sex drive and wants kids as well. Is she is understanding, this might work.

If you divorce her, I totally understand and sympathize but you will be seen as a jerk and a bad guy.

If you stay with her, you will be seen as a great hubby but living a near sexless marriage with no chance of having kids.

If you have a woman on the side, lots of sex with her but no serious relationship, you will be seen as a scum bag and a cheater, regardless of the situation you are in.

Wow, this is a pickle.

If you divorce her, I would move to another state, city, etc. and start fresh.

If you stay with her, you will be starved and miserable.

If she tells you, have another woman on the side, you could but I couldn't.

This is something you will have to wrestle with. Wish you all the best.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Get counseling.

You are obviously upset and understandably so but you are wanting to do things that are not honorable and that is selfish and immature.

What you feel is completely understandable. But your way of addressing the problems you and your wife are facing is wholly unacceptable... And I am being that what you mean about taking someone on the side is cheating rather than asking for permission.

Disease.
Pregnancy.

And saying it is just sex is crap. You run the risk of falling in love. Cause I am assuming you aren't talking about using prostitutes.

And even if you don't fall in love the girl might. She may decide to get pregnant without sharing that tidbit with you. She may tell your wife. Hook up with different women as an alternative? Where? The world is smaller than you might think. Sometime will find out.

Not to mention the ethical breach of spending marital assets on another woman or women. 

Your wife will rise to the level of saint and you will become the son your parents wish they never had, cheating on a very sick wife.

How many of these thoughts have you shared with your wife?


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## Tomson (Mar 10, 2014)

That is a lot of information to absorb. I am not going to lay out and stay or go argument as you must reach that on your own. People are not machines, but medicine sometimes treats us like that. I would think she is seeing nephrologist regularly. Is she hooked up with a support group so that you and your wife can talk to others who have traveled down this road? I know they say exercise is very important and it's a vicious cycle of fatigue and skipping exercise. Exercise will give her more energy. I would consult with an endroconologist and see if she might want to talk with him/her about a low dose of testosterone. I have no idea about contraindications and kidney disease, but why not check it out. I know they use it to treat women with a LD who have no other illness. Everything is a balance. Finally, may I ask what you would want her to do if the situation was reversed? Good luck to both of you and thank God for hemodialysis or I guess she would not even be here.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Boo hoo, let me get my violin out. I haven't had sex in years because of my husbands medical problems and I haven't thought about cheating. Be happy you are having sex at all, many people aren't. You took marriage vows for sickness and in health so stick to them. A lot of people can't have children so they adopt. You are lucky to be able to afford a surrogate and are having your own biological child. So what if you couldn't conceive naturally. The important point is you have a child on the way so stay faithful to your wife because your new baby shouldn't be born into a broken marriage which will happen in you cheat.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NavyBlue said:


> It has nothing to do with not being able to have children and I certainly don't want to get anybody else pregnant. It is all about having sex taken away from me and nothing can be done about it plain and simple. Until she gets a transplant nothing will change and even then it is possible it still wont change. Do I sit back and say "oh well i am married and I guess I cant have sex for 3 to 5 years or more". Is that right and ok in everybody's mind? I guess it boils down really to me it is just sex. I know it must make me sound like a terrible person and I am really not. The lack of sex and intimacy is really throwing my mind and hormones into a tizzy.


Sexless marriages are not rare since 20% of all marriages are sexless. Marriages end up sexless about half the time, it’s equally caused by men and women. If lack of sex is your main issue there are a few ways you can handle it. 

You can just chose to find ways to handle it on your own.. like porn.

You can talk to your wife and see if she will agree to an open marriage. But keep in mind that the chances are high that you will fall for someone else.

Or you can divorce your wife and find another woman. Leaving a spouse over the lack of sex is a reasonable thing to do. We are sexual creatures. It’s a need for most adults. 

Bottom line is that anything you do that entails sneaking around and lying to your wife is wrong. She needs to be part of the decision for whatever you do. 


NavyBlue said:


> And I am sorry to hear about what happened with you and your husband. My wife mentioned adopting. Told her that's not for me as I wasn't interested in raising somebody else child. I know this all sounds very selfish. Maybe it is but I just see my life slipping away with a huge void in it that I will never get back or make up for.


Of course you can get this back. Divorce your wife and find a healthy women. You have already done that with the surrogate as you have a child on the way. If you divorce your wife, this child is not your wife’s child so you can raise the child on your own. Then find a woman who can have children.


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## khaleesiwife (May 9, 2014)

For better and for worse, IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, until death do us part... were you asleep when giving your vows?! Jeez...:scratchhead:


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: Bet this is a new one for you guys and gals*



NavyBlue said:


> Long story as short as possible. Meet my wife 7 years ago. Everything was great! We were very active (couple times a week). After 2 years we got married. Leading up to it the sex had slowed down a little but still fairly regular. We got married in november and the next march (4 months later) she decided she needed to get blood work done to see if she needed to go back on thyroid meds because she had been feeling somewhat tired.
> 
> 
> Later that day the Dr called her back freaking out because her creatinine was really high (kidney failure). Nobody could figure out why her kidneys were failing so we took her to Hopkins and low and behold they found sarcoidosis (granulomus type disease that is extremely rare for it to attack kidneys) had attacked her kidneys. They put her on meds to halt the sarc and she regained a little function. It bought her almost 3 years of not needing dialysis. Sex at this time was maybe once a week sometimes once every other.
> ...


Your situation is not 1 in a million, not even close.

My husband is sick too with a chronic illness. I am 31, he is 37 and we have been together 15 years.

He went into kidney failure in 2010 and has been on peritoneal dyalisis since (for those that dont know what that is, he has a tube inserted in his stomach and hooks himself to his machine at night. his dialysis runs for 8 hours while he sleeps). His actual disease is sickle cell anemia and his kidney failure, and subsequent reliance on dyalisis, is just a small symptom/affect of that disease. 

The few red blood cells his body creates on its own are mis-shapen and sticky, so they dont flow through his body the way they should and, very often, get "stuck" blocking blood flow and causing a great deal of pain. It also damages his organs in the process (no blood flow or oxygen). 

He has extreme ED because of this as well and has for most of his adult life. Priapism is very common in people with sickle cell disease because his blood cells are sticky and actually blocks blood flow out of the penis. This was happening to him before he even knew what it was. The damage is permanent and pills dont help even a little bit. He finally found, just in the past year, that the injection works for him.

The problem now is that he gets debilitating pain any time his heart rate rises... walking upthe stairs, getting scared, if hes mad, adrenaline, etc. Obviously this includes sex. He tries... he will get pain, roll around in pain for 20 mins and come back for more. It is a long process for us. Luckily it is only PIV (when the movement starts) so we do other things regardless and almost always get it all because hes determined. Let me tell you tho, a lot of the times its not worth it for me. Not because it isnt great, but because it is HARD to see him in pain and, quite honestly, I dont know how much he actually gets out of it. I tend to push him out (unintentionally, its hard but not very strong) when im done and thats it. He doesnt even try for more.

It affects way more than our sex life. He is hositalized for weeks on end at times. He is on permanent disability, making us a 1 income family for the most part (he does get disability pay of 1000 a month). We are lucky enough to have two beautiful children together. He was hospitalized 2 weeks before I had our 2nd and didnt come home until a week after we did. We were in the same hospital so he was able to be there.... had to switch to him squeezing my hand instead of me squeezing his after I popped his IV out though lol. 

He has to get topped up (blood transfusion) at least once a month. 2 units of blood get his hemoglobin up to around 86-89. These transfusions are in addition to what he gets when he is hospitalized with a crises.... which can occur when he gets a cold, is in the heat too long, etc. Pretty much any situation that causes his body to work harder to regulate itself because it cant do that (hence disability). He has also had 2 hip replacements (the last one in 2008 was a full replacement) and very often has pain from that that puts him on crutches for a couple weeks. His hips were screwed because his blood could not flow between the bones. The first time they just went in and shaved some off to create space. When that did nothing, they did a total replacement. Unfortunately, over the past couple years (since his kidney failure) it has become painful for him because he has lost a lot of weight due to his dyalisis (the solution stays in his stomach during the day, making him feel full and causing him to be sick if he tries to eat past "full") and because when he exercises too hard, it causes his other pain and/or a crises. Now his muscles are weaker and the metal rod stuck in them causes pain.

There is a lot more I can say, but I think you get the picture. Needless to say, I TOTALLY understand the feeling of something being taken away from you. I understand every single feeling you could possibly have of it "being easier" with someone else. I understand every single feeling you have of "poor healthy me, losing out on all these things I CAN do". I understand because I've felt or thought those same things more times than I care to admit. 

At the end of the day, though, I love my husband with every part of me. Our life is stressful and its hard, there is no question about that. And, yes, it would be a million times easier FOR ME, if I found someone else who I could live a "normal" life with. But that will never be enough for me either because no one else can be HIM. I fell in love with the person behind the illness and that person is too hard to replace. 

He left me 2 years ago... life had become too much for me and I fell into a depression. I spent all my time at work or in my room. He felt he was a "burden" to me and that his illness was the cause so he left. Truth be told, I was the reason he thought that. I was overwhelmed and I just stopped caring about anything. Him, our kids, me, my life... everything. I snapped out of it almost immediately after he left. But it didnt matter at the point. He was so hurt by it all. There was nothing he could do, in his eyes, because he cant take away his illness. It killed him that he could never be "good enough" cause thats how I had made him feel. I didnt realize, or more truthfully, didnt care before he left. 

He had been the stay at home parent because he couldnt work. There was not a single day we were apart that I had to suffer extra because he wasnt there. He continued everything the same way. He took the bus to get to our house by 7 am for me to go to work and every day when I got home, supper was on the stove (he loves cooking and has always done it. I never expected it of him even when together), the kids lunches were made and he would take the bus home without eating a bite. That is the man he is. 

I had a free pass. He left me... I didnt have to deal with everything anymore and I had the added benefit of not being the "bad guy" who left my sick husband. Not too mention, I still didnt have to deal with being a "single" parent because he was doing everything he did while in the house and he stayed late anytime I wanted to go out with the people from work and would sleep on the couch if I was home too late for him to catch the bus. It was the perfect situation for me if I wanted to have it all. But, you know what? I didnt. 

I did go out, but only because it was easier to be gone and know he was at home with the kids than it was to be home with the kids and know he was gone. We were separated for a whole year and there was not one second of that time that I did not want him and only him. There is not one second of that time that I even fathomed being with anyone but him. 

I am completely at fault for the situation. I allowed myself to get to the point I did. I got wrapped up in all the stuff that comes with an ill spouse (child, parent, etc), and I forgot that there was person underneath it all. A person who captured my heart because of who he is. A person I chose to spend my life with. A person whos place in my heart cant be filled by anyone just because they provide an "easier" life.

As hard as this is for me, its a billion times harder for him. I have the choice to walk away from the situation.. he never will.

You asked "how many people have had that chance taken away from them?" (in regards to children naturally). I can think of someone... your wife!! YOU can still have your children naturally. Did the surrogate not use your sperm? It is your wife that is losing an experience here, not you. The child is going to be as naturally yours as if your wife carried it. 

Everything you go through, she goes through tenfold. If it is too much for you, you need to get out now. Give her the chance to find someone who will love her and stand by her through it all. Everyone deserves that.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Not EZ... your story is heartwrenching... I wish the best for you, your husband and your children. 

NavyBlue... I would really shop around for another website/forum. You're not likely to get much support or sympathy here for wanting to cheat on your wife when she is seriously ill.

Take the high road... TELL her exactly what you told us. Show her your post. THEN come back here for support after SHE throws your a$$ out...

Just my 2 cents...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

NavyBlue said:


> It is all about having sex taken away from me and nothing can be done about it plain and simple. Until she gets a transplant nothing will change and even then it is possible it still wont change. Do I sit back and say "oh well i am married and I guess I cant have sex for 3 to 5 years or more". Is that right and ok in everybody's mind? I guess it boils down really to me it is just sex. I know it must make me sound like a terrible person and I am really not. The lack of sex and intimacy is really throwing my mind and hormones into a tizzy.


It could be worse, you could have had your wife taken away from you. THAT is what is important. Not your sex life, or lack thereof.

You didn't sign up for this, but neither did she.

When she gets better, perhaps she will more than make up for you sticking by her, helping her, loving her.

If, when she is back to 100%, things do not improve (including with communicating to her, or counselling) then that is the time to leave and reclaim what you feel has been taken from you. Not now, when she needs you in her recovery from an extremely life-altering circumstance.

Now is the time to stand up and be a MAN.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

alexm said:


> It could be worse, you could have had your wife taken away from you....Now is the time to stand up and be a MAN.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I don't think you love her the right way, unconditionally. If you did, you would be agonizing over her illness and suffering, not lamenting over your lack of a sex life.

You seem extremely selfish. How would you feel if YOU were the sick one on dialysis and your wife told you she wanted to go have sex with other men?


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## m0nk (Mar 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I'm not sure why you think your story is unique. A lot of people get seriously ill at one time or another in their lives. 20% of all couples can not have children.
> 
> I had a pregnancy that ended with still born twins in the 6th month. Due to complications after that pregnancy I could not have any children. So my husband was left just like you. He was capable of fathering children. I was not capable of getting pregnant.
> 
> ...


+1. If you'd known about the illness ahead of time, would that have been a deal breaker? She deserves to know where you stand.


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## BigMrE (Jan 14, 2014)

I for one think that the OP should be given a little more sympathy, for his feelings around sexuality and loss of it from his marriage. Both he and his wife have been thrust into challenging circumstances. He has been doing the right thing and standing with his ill wife. Wallowing in a little self pity for a short time certainly isn't unreasonable. I think that if he's sticking around, doing his best to love and support his wife, care for the child on the way, and all-around being a good guy, who am I to judge if he discretely gets his need for sexual intimacy met on the side? Maybe with a woman in a similar situation with her husband? This outlet may enable him to stay in this marriage and be a good husband to his wife. In the ideal world, it would all be above board with her sign-on to some form of openness, whether a don't ask don't tell situation or full disclosure. But in the real world that we live in, sometimes the best solution might involve some ambiguity.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

BigMrE said:


> I for one think that the OP should be given a little more sympathy, for his feelings around sexuality and loss of it from his marriage. Both he and his wife have been thrust into challenging circumstances. He has been doing the right thing and standing with his ill wife. Wallowing in a little self pity for a short time certainly isn't unreasonable. I think that if he's sticking around, doing his best to love and support his wife, care for the child on the way, and all-around being a good guy, who am I to judge if he discretely gets his need for sexual intimacy met on the side? Maybe with a woman in a similar situation with her husband? This outlet may enable him to stay in this marriage and be a good husband to his wife. In the ideal world, it would all be above board with her sign-on to some form of openness, whether a don't ask don't tell situation or full disclosure. But in the real world that we live in, sometimes the best solution might involve some ambiguity.


You are delusional


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: Bet this is a new one for you guys and gals*



BigMrE said:


> I for one think that the OP should be given a little more sympathy, for his feelings around sexuality and loss of it from his marriage. Both he and his wife have been thrust into challenging circumstances. He has been doing the right thing and standing with his ill wife. Wallowing in a little self pity for a short time certainly isn't unreasonable. I think that if he's sticking around, doing his best to love and support his wife, care for the child on the way, and all-around being a good guy, who am I to judge if he discretely gets his need for sexual intimacy met on the side? Maybe with a woman in a similar situation with her husband? This outlet may enable him to stay in this marriage and be a good husband to his wife. In the ideal world, it would all be above board with her sign-on to some form of openness, whether a don't ask don't tell situation or full disclosure. But in the real world that we live in, sometimes the best solution might involve some


We arent talking a lifelong, incurable illness here. His post said he doesnt want to be near sexless for the 3-5 years it will take for her to get a transplant and be "all better". 3-5 years is an extremely small period of time in the context of a lifelong marriage. His vows of "forever" apparently should have included a list of conditions. 

SHE deserves a divorce. Health issues are hard and scary enough to deal with on there own. Add in a husband who views her health condition in terms of how much it disrupts his sex life (no matter how temporarily) and its a no-brainer.... she deserves better.

I do sympathise with the difficulty of the situation. I know it well because I live it. OP isnt looking for sympathy though.. he is looking for someone to justify his desire to place his sexual needs above his wife, his vows, and his commitment. He isnt going to find that here.

There are only 2 respectable answers to this situation

1) Man up and be a husband to your wife; or

2) Divorce her and give her the chance to find happiness with a man that will give all he has to be the husband she deserves


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

NavyBlue said:


> I guess it boils down really to me it is just sex. I know it must make me sound like a terrible person and I am really not. The lack of sex and intimacy is really throwing my mind and hormones into a tizzy.
> 
> Maybe it is but I just see my life slipping away with a huge void in it that I will never get back or make up for.


Your lack of sex is clouding your judgement. I know too well that when you are HD and not getting any, it's all you think about constantly. I've been there, it's all consuming. I divorced my xhb because of no sex and I was at the point of wanting to cheat. 

You need to remember that getting sick wasn't her fault. She didn't choose to change the relationship in this way but you are actively choosing to irreparably destroy her from your actions if you go behind her back to get your sex fix. Yes, it is just sex to you, but 'just sex' outside the marriage without consent from your wife has painful lifelong consequences, so in truth, it's not ever going to be 'just sex'. Add to this that you have made a child with her (via surrogacy). There is nothing more painful then breaking up a marriage when a child is involved. 

Please speak with her openly and honestly about how you are feeling and that sex is so essential to you that you are actually thinking of cheating. Understand and be grateful that your wife is only going to be sick for a few years and it's not for the rest of your lives. I agree with a pp that it doesn't appear that you love her unconditionally which is sad considering you're about to bring a child into the world together. Let her be part of the decision about how to fix the situation rather then you just deciding to betray her (and your child) because you're not thinking straight. If she understands that you are actually considering cheating, she may help you out more sexually or even if she's very open minded let you stray with permission..who knows how someone will react, but you owe her the respect to let her be part of the decision.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I'm not sure why you think your story is unique. A lot of people get seriously ill at one time or another in their lives. 20% of all couples can not have children.
> 
> I had a pregnancy that ended with still born twins in the 6th month. Due to complications after that pregnancy I could not have any children. So my husband was left just like you. He was capable of fathering children. I was not capable of getting pregnant.
> 
> ...


Good reply here. I have nothing really to add. 

In sickness and health.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Let me get this right:-


Your W has a life threatening illness.


Your W is on haemo dialysis 4 times a week.


Because of the above, your W is undoubtedly on a _host _of drugs.


Your W is awaiting kidney transplant.


Your W has had to come to terms with the fact that she will never bear children.


Your W has had to come to terms with a loss of libido.


Your W has had to come to terms with the fact that another woman (surrogate) is bearing your child.


And your biggest concern right now is finding someone else to have sex with? Wow!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I can't imagine my husband even thinking of his own needs if I was going through something like this medically. wow Really makes you grateful for the spouse ya have when you read this stuff. 

I think you definitely need some therapy and maybe a spousal support forum to find other men who are going through similar things with their wives. Stay away from co-ed support groups though to minimize the likelihood of an affair happening. 

It's not wrong to think about the lack of sex and your own needs,however,it is wrong to contemplate getting them met via an affair partner.


There are times in our married lives when our needs really must take a back seat to the more pressing needs of our spouse.The ideal is to have everyone's needs met but in the case of mental and medical issues it can't always be fair right down the middle.How you treat your spouse in her deepest time of need is very telling of who you are as a person and whether or not you should be married.


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## James2020 (Jun 4, 2014)

Perhaps the OP can understand better, by simply reversing the situation. Imagine suddenly you became ill and could not have sex for a few years, and your wife came to you saying she's really missing having sex and is thinking of cheating on you as a result. How would that make you feel? I most certainly doubt she PREFERS this situation... she got SICK she has no control here, and has already had to come to terms with a lot of really bad things... I am willing to bet she's at least thankful her husband is there to support her through it all. Little does she know..

Sorry, I would like to at least be sympathetic but I cannot find it anywhere.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Well, that does suck that's for sure. 

I don't know how sick your wife is. Does she still like physical contact like kissing, hugging, and petting? If she's not up to BJ's maybe she would be agreeable to being close and affectionate while you self service? It's not sex but it would give you the physical release and the intimate contact. 

Something like this is the only reason I would ever tolerate a sexless marriage again. I would need a lot of understanding and compassion from her too, but I would try to be just as understanding and compassionate for her if not more so. As much as I love my W, it would be almost impossible to keep that connection without physical intimacy of some sort.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Go ahead and feel what you feel. I think your feelings are in the realm of normal. Do you think counseling might help work through them? 

I had been deemed sterile before i was 20. Every relationship hit a point where we had to have the talk. You know, I won't be able to give you children. I gave everyone an out. 

During those years I felt many extreme things. Also with life circumstances. You know, they just suck sometimes. Nobody gets it all. You're going to have to deal with what your wife got handed. I feel very bad for her. She is so young to be that ill. 

Anyway. Say what you have to say and feel what you are feeling. I'd rather people be honest here and work out their feelings and try to be more reasonable at home. Especially with an ill spouse. You're going to have some tough choices to make. You're going to be a father now. I think once that child is in your arms the way they got there isn't going to be so important.

(Incidently an adopted child is your child too. Just saying. Not someone else's baby. Sperm meets egg is one thing but there is a mountain of more important things that make a person a parent. You will find out.)

Good luck to you.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

James2020 said:


> I am willing to bet she's at least thankful her husband is there to support her through it all. Little does she know..


:iagree:

The attitude and support of those around us can have a significant effect on the outcome of a serious illness.

At the moment I'm awaiting spinal surgery, and my SO's never ending love, care and support not only decreases my pain levels but keeps me positive / optimistic about my future.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> :iagree:
> 
> The attitude and support of those around us can have a significant effect on the outcome of a serious illness.
> 
> At the moment I'm awaiting spinal surgery, and my SO's never ending love, care and support not only decreases my pain levels but keeps me positive / optimistic about my future.


Oh, my goodness, Cosmos! That must be major surgery!

I am so glad you have your SO to care for you. And I will be sending positive, healing energy your way.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*Re: Re: Bet this is a new one for you guys and gals*



BigMrE said:


> I for one think that the OP should be given a little more sympathy, for his feelings around sexuality and loss of it from his marriage. Both he and his wife have been thrust into challenging circumstances. He has been doing the right thing and standing with his ill wife. Wallowing in a little self pity for a short time certainly isn't unreasonable. I think that if he's sticking around, doing his best to love and support his wife, care for the child on the way, and all-around being a good guy, who am I to judge if he discretely gets his need for sexual intimacy met on the side? Maybe with a woman in a similar situation with her husband? This outlet may enable him to stay in this marriage and be a good husband to his wife. In the ideal world, it would all be above board with her sign-on to some form of openness, whether a don't ask don't tell situation or full disclosure. But in the real world that we live in, sometimes the best solution might involve some ambiguity.


If a cheating husband is your idea of a good husband please keep away from me and keep any children you may have away from mine. Your influence is not welcome.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

jld said:


> Oh, my goodness, Cosmos! That must be major surgery!
> 
> I am so glad you have your SO to care for you. And I will be sending positive, healing energy your way.


Thank you, JLD. I'm totally mobile, but some days I'm in a lot of discomfort and just want to lie around in my PJs!


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## BigMrE (Jan 14, 2014)

Lots of you have been hating on my opinion. I totally understand that perspective. On the other hand, this site is filled with people trying to find ways to deal with the pain of living in a sexless marriage. Sexual fulfillment is deeply important to most people and having it denied is destructive to many many relationships. Due to circumstances beyond her control, his wife is not able to have a sexual relationship and is unlike to for at least 3-5 years. If you don't think that kind of situation isn't very hard on people and has the potential to wreck their marriages, you're kidding yourself.

The OP's main options are:
1) suck it up and go without for at least the next 3-5 years, possibly longer.
2) divorce his ill wife and child on the way to seek a new relationship
3) discretely get his needs met, be a fully invested husband and father at home.

In the bigger picture of a 50+ year solid loving relationship where this guy stands firmly by his wife, child, and is always there for them, are a few bjs on the side really so earth-shattering? If I were in OP wife's position and given the choice between my sexless partner growing the resent me and our situation, destroying all the other good in our relationship, versus her having a physical affair that nobody ever even knew about that allowed her to happily stay with me and be a great wife and mother- I feel the conflict too but the answer isn't so black and white. I'm not saying that option 3 is a good option, just that in the real world it may be the least bad of bad options, and perhaps the OP should be cut a little more slack rather than soundly bashed.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

OP can do whatever he wants provided he keeps his wife in the loop about his extracurricular activities and how he's choosing to get this deeply important need met while she is unable to help him .


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> OP can do whatever he wants provided he keeps his wife in the loop about his extracurricular activities and how he's choosing to get this deeply important need met while she is unable to help him .


:iagree: She really does need to know what she's dealing with... Preferably _before_ she starts to care for and bond with his surrogate child.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How sad  Someone gets seriously sick and all her mate can think of is his penis.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And to go out and get needs met....just wow. Ask your wife before you do...and get tested often. Last thing she needs is a nasty STD from you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

BigMrE said:


> The OP's main options are:
> 1) suck it up and go without for at least the next 3-5 years, possibly longer.
> 2) divorce his ill wife and child on the way to seek a new relationship
> 3) discretely get his needs met, be a fully invested husband and father at home.


#3 is not a real option. Things do not work that way. One cannot be a fully invested husband and father at home while involved with another woman. Again - it does not work that way.


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## BigMrE (Jan 14, 2014)

You seem to be suggesting that if someone becomes unable to have a sexual relationship, they must demand that their spouse live a celibate life. How loving. And the only acceptable response is for the spouse to stick with with with a smile on their face no matter how miserable it makes them. What a true tribute to the power of love.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My friend just recently lost his wife of 29 years.

Four children.

She went through a few years battling breast cancer. Then hit remission. Then it returned after 3 years and took her in 3 months.

He's told me there were months at a time without sex. But he just saw her in pain and couldn't think of sex even when she felt bad she couldn't. He stood by her, and loved her. Watching him heal and go through the process of losing her has been an amazing experience.

I'm sure he'd want his wife back again...even without sex...just to be alive. He loved his wife.

With the OP, I don't even read where this also hurts him-- her prognosis and diagnosis, etc. And I hope if he ever gets truly ill that his wife isn't nagging him about sex and/or making more money.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

BigMrE said:


> You seem to be suggesting that if someone becomes unable to have a sexual relationship, they must demand that their spouse live a celibate life. How loving. And the only acceptable response is for the spouse to stick with with with a smile on their face no matter how miserable it makes them. What a true tribute to the power of love.


well...that IS one of the risks you take when promising "in sickness and in health". 

Having sex cut off because your spouse is severely ill is exactly as unfair as being married to someone who would cheat on you bc you're severely ill. You could say the person who is suffering from the illness has an even shorter end of the stick...imagine if the person who is ill is a man. He's unable to get his sexual needs met bc he's too damn sick,he's in agony bc he's so physically ill, AND he has to worry his wife is stepping out bc he can't fulfill her desires. 

Like I said,if he really can't stick with her and just beat off til she's well enough to perform then he needs to discuss options with her and involve her in what he's going through.


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## BigMrE (Jan 14, 2014)

Yes I completely agree that the ideal situation is one where both partners are aware of and honestly consenting to the new arrangement. To my mind that isn't cheating. The rules of each marriage is whatever the people in it both agree to.

One possible exception to that I can envision is one where one partner is long term gravely ill or something and bringing them into the loop about the openness might be more sh!t that they can deal with at that moment. At the very least I think that situation is even more morally murky and grey. And the current situation we're talking about does not at all fit that description.

All I've been saying here is that I think some situations are a more morally and ethically grey. To be perfectly clear, i do think that much of the time, cheating is just cheating and is wrong wrong wrong.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

NavyBlue said:


> I feel like my situation is 1 in a million. Anybody have any thoughts or ideas on this?


No two stories are alike, but many stories carry the same basic themes. As you can see from the stories that others have shared about their own lives, you now understand that your story is really not that unique. Lots of people go through difficulties in their marriage and feel unfilled in many ways, but they stick with their spouse through it and do it together.
While your wife may not be feeling a loss over her sex drive, she is has lost a lot, probably more than you have at this point. One of the ways to overcome difficulty is to readjust our thinking and to learn to be thankful. It is important to think on what is going right and what is good about life, rather than only dwelling on those areas that are not good. What we think about is where we live in our mind and whatever it is we are thinking about will become the focus of our lives. You have been focusing on lack of sex. Find something else about your life to dwell on that brings you joy and keep bringing your mind back there when it drifts off into the negative.
If you cheat on your wife, even if she were to agree to it, it would be deeply harmful to your wife and would likely destroy her peace and ruin your marriage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I remember when I had my tumor and it was growing (benign but still-- it was huge. 7 pounds!) I had to have surgery and have it removed and the ovary it was growing off of. 

It was a two year process of depression, pain, being uncomfortable, weight gain from fluids, fatique, sadness, irritability, etc. 24/7 cramping in my uterus for almost 2 years.

Intercourse was painful.

If my husband brought this up to me...not that he was feeling unsatisfied with sex, but that he wanted to step out and find some pootang, I'd have sent him with divorce papers too.

We didn't know if it would be forever. After surgery, my hormones were crazy and I have NO libido. Mix that with the crap he has pulled over the years and I haven't really wanted sex since. Not like before it all.

But we're at the end anyway. I just know that when I was going through all my medical issues...doctors, no answers, tests, blood word, fear, anxiety around it all for TWO YEARS--- and he started talking about his d1ck...I would have punched him and told him to gtfo.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Sorry you went through all of that, That_Girl.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> well...that IS one of the risks you take when promising "in sickness and in health".


No one really thinks they're going to have to deal with sickness to that extent when they take their vows.

I totally get where the guy is coming from.

He's in a sexless marriage. He needs sex. Sure it's not his wife's fault, but it's not his fault either. If she loves him she'll either give him the divorce or give him the go ahead to get some on the side.

That's what love is all about.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

WOW. 

lmao. Why take vows at all then?

No one thinks anything can get so bad, but they should at least acknowledge it.

I hope she does divorce him...gets better...and has a great life in a new loving relationship.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I can't touch this thread.. I actually have some sympathy for the original poster and what he is going through and I guess that makes me a monster...I hope to never face this sort of situation....these type of stories are my greatest fears in life....

I don't even know if I believe in God these days.. yet I still pray such a fate never befalls in our marriage....in reality.. many can't handle it...they fall into a deep depression.... we know what we're supposed to do..how we're supposed to Love, put ourselves down, what is the matter with us.. we are just the caretaker.. how dare you complain and feel sorry for yourself... this is an absolute devastating thing to happen in any marriage.. 

When your very way of life, loving, the enjoyment of sex is ripped from you.. I just can't judge this man, I have compassion...

That is really all I want to say.. I wish you the best OP...and your wife.. to find peace with this situation.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

that_girl said:


> WOW.
> 
> lmao. Why take vows at all then?


With more marriages failing and ending in divorce than remaining intact, there is no reason to take vows. They're nothing more than meaningless promises that are easily broken and discarded without a second thought as soon as things get rough.

But if you're going to get married, you gotta do the whole vow thing, as useless as it really is. Could you imagine a bride or groom saying "we're going to skip the one about the sickness and health".

It just doesn't work that way.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I've always found the vows a rather interesting contradiction. You promise to love honor and cherish in sickness and in health. But you never really say who's sickness and health. Everybody assumes that the healthy one is promising to love honor and cherish and to have and to hold the sick one. But isn't the sick one also promising to love, honor and cherish and to have and to hold even though they're sick?

I promise to have and to hold whether I'm sick or healthy.

or....

I promise to have and to hold whether you're sick or healthy.

???? Which one are we promising? To have and to hold is a euphemism for sex. We all know that. So has she broken her vows?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lenzi said:


> With more marriages failing and ending in divorce than remaining intact, there is no reason to take vows. They're nothing more than meaningless promises that are easily broken and discarded without a second thought as soon as things get rough.
> 
> But if you're going to get married, you gotta do the whole vow thing, as useless as it really is. Could you imagine a bride or groom saying "we're going to skip the one about the sickness and health".
> 
> It just doesn't work that way.


Why not? We wrote our own vows. Other people can too. If you know you're not one to stick it through when shet gets tough, and you really need sex, then talk about it with your person before marriage.

But I do think marriage is overrated. I meant my vows...my husband didn't. Which is why I am where I am. But slowly coming out of the crap.


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## BigMrE (Jan 14, 2014)

I guess that I think marriage is a great thing, despite all of the challenges that go with loving and living with the same person for decades. Sickness and in health, richer or poorer, all that stuff.

I've been married for 15 years and we have definitely had our ups and downs, good times and periods when I didn't think we would last. In the end love has won out and I think it's a beautiful thing. I think that it's important to keep the emphasis on total love, total support, no matter what. If you focus on unconditional love and a sincere desire for happiness for yourself and your partner.

To my mind it might be worth placing that love, commitment and long-term support above automatic unyielding insistence on monogamy above all else. And I say that as someone who has never cheated in my marriage. Sometimes under terrible circumstances you might need to consider turning a blind eye if a partner who really does love you needs seek a little sexual fulfillment outside. Sometime you just need turn a blind eye to a partner who farts in the bed a lot. It's those things that keep us from ended up hacked apart in our sleep with an axe by our partners.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nope.

If sex is that important, then leave me. If we can't talk about things like this on a serious level, then leave me. 

Maybe I should step out on my husband with someone else because he doesn't make as much money as he used to? Wrong.

It's all just semantics. Either you can talk to your wife, OP, or you can't. Be prepared for a crunchy conversation, but at least be honest with HER. What we say or think doesn't matter at all. It's your marriage with your wife.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

that_girl said:


> But I do think marriage is overrated. I meant my vows...my husband didn't.


But I do think *"modern"* marriage is overrated.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Why not? We wrote our own vows. Other people can too. If you know you're not one to stick it through when shet gets tough, and you really need sex, then talk about it with your person before marriage.


I can just imagine a vow that says it's ok to get it on the side if one spouse gets too sick for sex. 



that_girl said:


> But I do think marriage is overrated. I meant my vows...my husband didn't.


Between those who divorce and those who cheat, we're talking the majority of all married people. Most people don't keep their vows.

It's really that simple.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> But I do think *"modern"* marriage is overrated.


lol. no. I meant marriage in general. Modern or not. 

But I guess in traditional marriage this man could do whatever he wanted. Maybe even get more wives and he'd be a few goats and cows richer with the dowries.

His problem is real, no joke. But what's her side? We don't know. Is this illness permanent? They don't know...could be years before she's ok. 

It's a tricky place to be. I guess from being on the wife's side (having been ill), I see that side...trying my best just to get through the day. But we don't know her side. 

He needs to talk to her. As hard as it will be. Cheating isn't cool and she'll know...maybe she won't care..but when she's better, it will be a conversation they won't want to have.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lenzi said:


> I can just imagine a vow that says it's ok to get it on the side if one spouse gets too sick for sex.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Why have vows about illness at all? My sister's vows were all about loving that person and supporting him, and cooking him bacon and everyone laughed. I thought it was stupid, blah blah...but it was her wedding.

And yea, I struggle with keeping my vows. It's very hard to love, honor and cherish someone who shets all over you and then thinks "sorry" makes it ok.

Believe me, it's a struggle I face daily because I truly meant my vows. I didn't even take vows until I was 33 because I knew I wouldn't have meant them sooner.

But if no one keeps their vows, then they seem pointless. Marriage is somewhat pointless. You can live with someone and choose to be there not because of some piece of paper. 

It's just thoughts through my head. But I wonder if the OP would be ok with his wife gettin some random d1ck on the side if he ever got so ill that he couldn't/didn't want to have sex.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Greatest Vows Ever!


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

Sorry OP, I can see that you are hurting and have been for a long time. I can see that you love your wife and have stood by her side through all of this. Please don't give up now - how very sad that would be! 

Me personally, I would give my life to save my wife - I would rather be gone than to live without her. If I was asked to give up sex so that she could heal or live, I would give it up in a New York minute - I have no doubt. Would that be tough - you bet. Would I have moments of weakness such as you are having now - you bet. But, I would hope that I would have friends who could help me through it and I know my wife would do everything she could to help as well. A sexless marriage for this reason is not the end of the world.

What I could not handle is a sexless marriage due to my wife not wanting me, not loving me, not respecting me - now that would be an entirely different story and is one I see here on TAM all the time. I so feel for those in that situation as that not only leaves the person with no intimacy - but also with no love which is even ten times worse.

Stay strong OP!


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

that_girl said:


> lol. no. I meant marriage in general. Modern or not.


Yeah, the "modern" part was me inserting my opinion. Today's marriage is in sad shape. Marriage of a few decades ago had its own problems and issues but it was generally considered as a major life event that was a permanent (except under very extreme circumstances) situation. It was a commitment. And commitments (especially of this magnitude) were not taken lightly.
Today, marriage can be defined in any way we want to define it. The modern definition of marriage has cheapened the institution to the point where it doesn't really matter and the specialness and uniqueness of the married relationship hardly exists any more. Why take vows? Why indeed. No-fault divorce and a "me-first" attitude makes vows meaningless. Not that I wish it were this way. My wife and I have been married 25 years and I do take my vows seriously. So does my wife. And I honor and admire anyone that does. Sadly, that's not the norm today.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

FTR,I get where the OP is coming from and being a very sexual high drive woman I have oodles of sympathy for him. I simply have waaay more sympathy for what his wife is suffering through right now. 

It's a raw deal all around but it's a raw deal that will only be made exponentially worse by OP having a piece of ass on the side.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I've always found the vows a rather interesting contradiction. You promise to love honor and cherish in sickness and in health. But you never really say who's sickness and health. Everybody assumes that the healthy one is promising to love honor and cherish and to have and to hold the sick one. But isn't the sick one also promising to love, honor and cherish and to have and to hold even though they're sick?
> 
> I promise to have and to hold whether I'm sick or healthy.
> 
> ...


I think people just assume the sickness part won't come for a long, long time, like when they're really old and practically dead anyway. I doubt many people seriously think about cancer and kidney failure and heart disease or the myriad health problems that can impact a marriage and their sex life.

A lot of people get married in their 20's - pfft! You feel immortal at that age!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> FTR,I get where the OP is coming from and being a very sexual high drive woman I have oodles of sympathy for him. I simply have waaay more sympathy for what his wife is suffering through right now.
> 
> It's a raw deal all around but it's a raw deal that will only be made exponentially worse by OP having a piece of ass on the side.


:iagree:

And a very raw deal for the unborn child, too - particularly if the OP's W divorces him.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

"Of course you can get this back. Divorce your wife and find a healthy women. You have already done that with the surrogate as you have a child on the way. If you divorce your wife, this child is not your wife’s child so you can raise the child on your own. Then find a woman who can have children."

Now this would really be cruel. Divorcing the wife and taking the child to raise on his own? It may not be biologically his wife's child, but they both had the intent and desire to have the child. She believes she will be the child's mother in a few months. IMO that would be incredibly cruel.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I hope this isn't something I have to look forward to when my kidneys finally fail and they will eventually. I have PKD and I will have to go the dialysis/transplant route as well one day.


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## mace85 (Mar 12, 2012)

Ok, let me plug this into the TAM calculator... 

You're a male, married, unable to have sex, asking how to deal with it. 

Give it a second here....

Ok here is the result, you're an *******. It's a shame, had you been an undersexed wife, your spouse would have been the *******, or had porn been involved you would just simply have unrealistic expectations. From my observations, you will get no sympathy here. 

It is irrelevant that you have been faithful, and overwhelmed. It is irrelevant that you love your wife, and this issue is tearing you apart emotionally. It is irrelevant that you may have taken 5 minutes out of your day to vent to this forum asking for advice and simply made a statement about cheating because you are full of emotion. Your needs are not important because you are a man. Even the women who claim to have been in the exact same situation as your wife say that their needs for a good, strong, supportive husband outweigh your needs for intimacy. After all marriage as a partnership, unless your the husband, then you need to give 200% at all times, or as one poster said, you will get punched in the junk. Sorry, there is no way for you to win. 

I feel bad for you and can not even begin to think of an answer to your issues. But I will stop short of saying I think your an "evil man monster" because I can not imagine the situation you are in. Apparently you are expected to be a caretaker for the foreseeable future and switch off your emotions, because that makes a healthy marriage.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

mace85 said:


> Ok, let me plug this into the TAM calculator...
> 
> You're a male, married, unable to have sex, asking how to deal with it.
> 
> ...


You've gotta love misplaced aggression.

No one is expecting OP to turn off his emotions. All they're saying is it's wrong to have an affair to get his needs met. 

It isn't bc he's a man either so there's no need to whip out the "men are victims" card here. 

Have you started a thread to try to work through your bitterness? If you haven't,maybe you should instead of projecting all over this one.


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## mace85 (Mar 12, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> You've gotta love misplaced aggression.
> 
> No one is expecting OP to turn off his emotions. All they're saying is it's wrong to have an affair to get his needs met.
> 
> ...


No. Oddly enough I don't have any of these problems with my marriage at the moment. No ones perfect, neither is any marriage, but things are good. I was speaking in reference to the standard responses given to people here. 

This guy pours himself into this post because I would imagine he is at his wits end, and immediately he became a man who is unfit to have a wife, and others stated that his needs are irrelevant. What help is that to anyone? 

He hasn't had an affair, he was simply explaining that he was bitten with the temptation due to his circumstances, and a crew of people, who are apparently perfect in every respect condemned him as if he was banging his mistress in Time Square for all to see. 

That was my point. A point I will admit I made shortly after taking a lashing in other posts after a statement had been taken out of context and the hive mind ran with it.


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

I am moved by NotEZ's circumstances. She is such a wonderful woman.

I am a HD husband who has experienced 16 orthopedic operations and I am sooo proud of my wife. Three years ago, two joint replacements and a spine operation left me infected with TWO pathogens--in all three places!

A year of poor medical treatment permitted the pathogens to take over my body with pain that could not be controlled. Pain so severe that breathing hurt and certainly sex was impossible.

I went through another year and one-half receiving severe medical treatment. I was, at best,the worlds worst lover and my lovely wife tried to help me whenever infrequent intimacy happened.

Today, I am free of the pathogens (we think) and our sex has escalated to almost 3x a week. I am very grateful for the fidelity that my wife maintained while I was so very ill.There is light at the end of that long dark tunnel -- sometimes.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'd give the same advice to a woman if her husband was ill and she was thinking of cheating.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Yes a few blow jobs are earth shattering.

If you are married run your thinking by your spouse and see if she ever trusts you again.

My guess I'd you are already a cheater trying to justify cheating.


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## BigMrE (Jan 14, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Yes a few blow jobs are earth shattering.
> 
> If you are married run your thinking by your spouse and see if she ever trusts you again.
> 
> My guess I'd you are already a cheater trying to justify cheating.


You'd be 100% wrong with that guess. What's with the personal attacks at me ClipClop? I don't recall slinging any mud at you for having a different opinion.

My take is that if I was unable to give sexuality to my wife for a very long time, I might be able to give her the freedom to get her valid sexual needs met elsewhere. It comes from a place of love, willingness for self-sacrifice and placing her happiness before my own jealousy and insecurities. If you love someone, set the free and all that. I golf, my wife doesn't. Doesn't mean that she won't let me play golf with others, rather than demanding that I give up golf forever when we married. In fact one of my regular golf partners is a very sexy other woman from my work. We go out on the course, I swing my big club and we both try to put it in the hole. 

I also recall saying that the best situation would be mutually agreed on openness rather than sneaking around and breaking trust.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Fidelity is a part of marriage. Your suggestions are in direct opposition to that.

The golf analogy is ridiculous and the fact that you don't know it is a problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CynthiaDe said:


> Please report the post, so admin can take care of it.


I did report it. I'm trying to get more people to know what is going on and to report as well when they see those things. 

I deleted my post now that the mods got rid of him/it and the post.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I've always found the vows a rather interesting contradiction. You promise to love honor and cherish in sickness and in health. But you never really say who's sickness and health. Everybody assumes that the healthy one is promising to love honor and cherish and to have and to hold the sick one. But isn't the sick one also promising to love, honor and cherish and to have and to hold even though they're sick?
> 
> I promise to have and to hold whether I'm sick or healthy.
> 
> ...



Your post reminded me of something I read years ago. The author was not speaking of a spouses sickness in this instance but adultery. One spouses INACTION (withholding sex) is as bad as one spouses ACTION (affair). The former is socially acceptable, where the latter is not......an interesting theory :scratchhead:


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

*Re: Re: Bet this is a new one for you guys and gals*



ifweonly said:


> I am moved by NotEZ's circumstances. She is such a wonderful woman.
> 
> I am a HD husband who has experienced 16 orthopedic operations and I am sooo proud of my wife. Three years ago, two joint replacements and a spine operation left me infected with TWO pathogens--in all three places!
> 
> ...


I appreciate you saying so, but Im really not that wonderful. Im not going to lie and say its easy. I definately have my moments of self-pity, where I get overwhelmed and think "what about my needs". Generally followed by extreme guilt for even thinking that way when I see how he suffers everyday. Its a struggle. 

At the end of the day my husband has my heart. We both suffer, in different ways, because of the circumstances. For me, its easier to fill the void of all the things we miss out on with the love we share than to fill the void of the love we shared by having everything else. 
Even in my worst moments I never hurt for what I "could" have if I was with someone else, but for what WE cant have together. 

Anyways, im sorry for what you've had to go through with your health but am very happy to hear you are doing much better. I wish you and your wife the greatest happiness. There isnt much that tests a relationship more than a life-altering illness, but you will be that much stronger for having survived it. All the best!


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

that_girl said:


> How sad  Someone gets seriously sick and all her mate can think of is his penis.



Obviously his penis is not all he can think of. If it was he would not have even bothered to talk to people about his situation , he would have just cheated on her. What is sad is how instead of helping him by offering your views on how to deal with how he feels you put him down for feeling that way at all. 

When your partner gets a serious illness it does not mean that you no longer have needs of your own. It also should not mean that your partner no longer wants to satisfy your needs to the their ability. It is a terrible situation for any couple to be in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NavyBlue (Jun 22, 2014)

pidge70 said:


> I hope this isn't something I have to look forward to when my kidneys finally fail and they will eventually. I have PKD and I will have to go the dialysis/transplant route as well one day.




Sorry folks I haven't been around. Busy busy busy. I figured I would get blasted on here. I guess I just see absolutely no "good" answer to my situation. Her answer is to go watch porn and handle business which I do but that is obviously not even remotely close to the real deal. I love my wife and do not want to be with anybody else in a life relationship. She is the one. I simply need some SEX for gods sake. I will probably never do it but damn if it has not crossed my mind.

pidge70 I am sorry to hear about your pkd. When you get to that point I HIGHLY recommend going on NXStage and doing your treatments at home if you have a partner to assist you with them. Do them before you go to bed and you end up sleeping off most of the ill feeling people get from dialysis. My wife lives a completely normal life other than having to do dialysis and most of the time she feels reasonably well. She just has absolutely zero sex drive at all.


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## gingersnap123 (Jul 9, 2014)

Here's an eye opener for you and your sad sack of "woe is me".
Put yourself in your wife's dialysis chair.
Now stand her on the other side in your shoes.
For better or worse?

My husband was murdered.
Be grateful she's alive.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

gingersnap123 said:


> Here's an eye opener for you and your sad sack of "woe is me".
> Put yourself in your wife's dialysis chair.
> Now stand her on the other side in your shoes.
> For better or worse?
> ...


Here comes the logical fallacy of "there's someone in worse shape therefore you have nothing to complain about".

Doesn't work that way.

There's people who win the lottery for 50 million bucks and there's people who are random victims of a drive by shooting. Then you've got everyone else roughly in between. 

We've all got problems. Doesn't matter about what anyone else is going through, doesn't make our problems any less.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Here comes the logical fallacy of "there's someone in worse shape therefore you have nothing to complain about".
> 
> Doesn't work that way.
> 
> ...


Very true.
The situation is a real one and the OP is in pain. Obviously we all think his "solution" is the wrong one, but what is the solution?


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## mace85 (Mar 12, 2012)

gingersnap123 said:


> Here's an eye opener for you and your sad sack of "woe is me".
> 
> Put yourself in your wife's dialysis chair.
> 
> ...



Yeah. This is what I was referring to. Comments that make the OP feel like an ass, and offer nothing of substance.


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