# I want to marry her but…



## AtaCrossroads (Mar 5, 2010)

Last week I proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years. We were friends for about a year before we started dating. You’d think I would be on top of the world. But when I popped the question, and before she accepted me, she reveled that when she was in college she had done porn films.

To her credit, she refused to answer me until she told me the whole story.

Now I already knew that she had been a stripper for 2 years while she was in college. This was when her dad’s new wife showed herself as “the wicked stepmother.” Both my GF and her sister were basically left out in the cold until their dad woke up to what was going on and divorced her. They really had to hustle to live and stay in college. Except for the porn, I knew all this before we were a couple

I wish she had told me about the porn I understand why she was afraid to tell me. Aside from her sister nobody knows about it. She has opened herself up to me completely about this. Pay stubs, taxes, STD checks, communication with the production company etc. She has also given me copies of the 3 movies she was in. She made the films 10 years ago and has had no contact with the company for 8 or 9. All of it was business stuff. Her life is completely different from back then and she started and runs her own business. She has nothing to do with entertainment (adult or otherwise) industry. She has given me the passwords to all her emails and stuff.

She has answered every question I have asked and believe she has been completely honest with me. I still want to marry her and I know she wants to marry me but she insists that I really think about it and even talk to my family (who love her) if I feel the need to let them know. I don’t. My mom would understand but my father’s a prude.

She is on a work trip this week so Ive really had the time to think on this. I’m OK with the porn. It is nothing out of the mainstream. And its not like she has had tons of partners. Actually I have been with more people then her.

But, yesterday somebody at work anonymously sent me a letter with links to some of her movies on the web. All it said was “I just thought you should know.”

Im not that into porn but I do not recognize these sites at all. I have searched her name and can’t find her online. I even searched the stage name she used in the porn credits and can’t find that.

My troubl is not about the sex. It is about the social/professional side of this. Am I making too much out of this?


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

Think about it as these may come back from the closet once you are married. Thank her for her honesty and wanting to let you know about her past before you two settle down. She should be admired for that courage.


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## Mo Simpson (Jun 3, 2009)

Sounds to me as though you've found yourself a great young woman to be your wife. She had the guts to be open with you and answered all your questions.

You yourself have said you don't have a problem with her past and yet something is holding you back.

If it really is just what would people think, then I think you'd be wrong to take that on board and if you do, you will regret letting her go. 

People will always think something about everything and nothing. I really don't think you should take on board the social reaction to what she had to do to get by, you only need to ask yourself if YOU can accept her past.

If you can't, then it won't work. If you can accept and really move on and make a life with her, then do it.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

When you're 20, you worry about what others think about you. When you're 40, you're too tired to care anymore what others think about you, and so you do what you want and don't care.

But when you're 60, it finally dawns on you that pretty much nobody was ever thinking about you at all. They've got their own lives to live, and for almost everybody their life is more important to them than yours could ever be.

If you don't have a problem with her past, forget all that other crap. If somebody sends you mail saying "I thought you should know", send mail back saying "Thanks, but I already knew." If somebody makes a disparaging remark about her past life, whisper as if you're sharing a secret and say "You should probably try harder to hide your jealousy; it's not attractive at all." If somebody makes a crack about knowing what your intimate life is like, say "No, those films were just beginner stuff. She knows a thousand more things now. You just would _not_ believe, you really wouldn't." And then don't say anything else. If pressed, just say "No, I shouldn't have said that. Forget it."

But really, nobody worth worrying about is going to care about something she did 10 years ago. And even if they did, it's time you lived your life the way YOU want, and stopped caring about what other people think.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can you hit reply on that email? Just say thanks, I already knew about it.

With close friends, you may want to bring it out in the open so she doesn't go around with a cloud over her head.


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## DeeKay1 (Mar 3, 2010)

Like others here, it sounds as though she's turned her life around and her honesty is admirable. She sounds like a good woman.

One suggestion: Before you get married, be sure to have an
in-depth discussion about how the two of you would handle the situation if, years down the road, your children were to find out about her past. It's one thing for the two of you to say that each of you can handle the situation if questions or comments arise; it's another whole issue for children or adolescents to handle that type of information about their mother.

This is just another example of how life is unfair: here's a woman who has clearly turned things around and she sounds like a really good person. But, unfortunately, bad decisions made in the past can come back to haunt you years later.

By no means am I saying don't marry her because of her indiscretions of the past; I'm simply saying that having an in-depth discussion of how this could possibly affect your children in the future should be done BEFORE you're married, not after.


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## AtaCrossroads (Mar 5, 2010)

Thanks for the replies. artieb,that's a good response to a person who says something! Lol

She is a good woman and I love her dearly.

The letter was on paper so there's no way to reply.

The kid thing is playing on my mind. Knowing kids, they will find out. I know we will have to cover that when she get home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Something to remember is that you are (I assume) reacting to this from an American perspective. It may help you to remember that the rest of the world doesn't necessarily share our views on sex. For instance, it's legal to have sex at 16 in Australia. And beaches in Europe may be topless. So, what may be horrifying to some is simply a point of view. Sex is sex. Many do not even consider it as sinful or something to be ashamed of. In other words, it's all relative.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Ata,
You really sound like you love her. She has been totally open and honest with you and given you all her answers. Sending an anonymous letter to you with no way to reply is a chicken**** thing to do. And btw....if that person had such an issue with porn, why is he/she looking for it?! I have been married now for 16 years and with my husband for 18. He knows all about my past. I did alot of things that I am not proud of, some of it on film but I sure as hell won't spend the rest of my life apologizing to others for it. It was my past. Everybody has a past. Most just don't own up to it. Do I regret it? Yes. Do I feel like I should be branded for the rest of my life for it? No. As for the other poster's kid comment: We have two. Ages 17 and 12. The 17 year old knows all about my past. You know what he sees? A Mom who has spent the last 17 years making sure that he was loved, nurtured and cared for, a Mom who would take the time to make him feel special, cook with him, bake with him, cheer him on on the soccer field, help him with his homework and hire a tutor when necessary. I am the person he comes to when he has a problem, either with school or with his girlfriend. I am his rock. 
Marry her.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

LOVE this one...Hate nosey bodies.

I applaud your lady SO much... You said you wish she had told you. Just think about her side. 
Its NOT something you lead with , and then as relationship progresses, it becomes harder and harder to figure out when is the right time to tell you something that was obviously difficult.
Many things can be left in the past but something like this would obviously come back to her and her gutsyness to come completely clean like that is just amazingly courageous and honest. She's a keeper. and if you dont think so please point her to this web site and give her my avitar name cause that kinda courage and honesty is "where its at" for me.
Sure hope you recognize her for who she is and accept her just like she is.. 

Doesnt matter what people think... geez no. Matters who she is and who you are. that's IT, nothing else. 

Oh and IF you accept her...which IF you loved her you already did, you better do it 100% and never go back on this issue. If you go forward its a dead issue. If you ever use this against her in the future,... you would be VERY low. (to put it mildly)


all the best.


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## DeeKay1 (Mar 3, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Ata,
> You really sound like you love her. She has been totally open and honest with you and given you all her answers. Sending an anonymous letter to you with no way to reply is a chicken**** thing to do. And btw....if that person had such an issue with porn, why is he/she looking for it?! I have been married now for 16 years and with my husband for 18. He knows all about my past. I did alot of things that I am not proud of, some of it on film but I sure as hell won't spend the rest of my life apologizing to others for it. It was my past. Everybody has a past. Most just don't own up to it. Do I regret it? Yes. Do I feel like I should be branded for the rest of my life for it? No. As for the other poster's kid comment: We have two. Ages 17 and 12. The 17 year old knows all about my past. You know what he sees? A Mom who has spent the last 17 years making sure that he was loved, nurtured and cared for, a Mom who would take the time to make him feel special, cook with him, bake with him, cheer him on on the soccer field, help him with his homework and hire a tutor when necessary. I am the person he comes to when he has a problem, either with school or with his girlfriend. I am his rock.
> Marry her.


Happy to hear that, for Brennan, things worked out perfectly as far as her children accepting her past. But, remember, the way a child or adolescent will process this type of information will vary from individual to individual. While I'm sure there are situations like Brennan's where everything turned out well, there are undoubtedly situations where children or adolescents haven't handled such information so well.

Again, I'm not saying not to marry her, as she sounds like a fine person. But, to not have an in-depth discussion, BEFORE MARRIAGE, about this issue would be very foolish and negligent.


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## AtaCrossroads (Mar 5, 2010)

Thank you all for all your posts. They've helped me get my head back on straight.

I really don’t know why I let myself get bent out of shape on this. I think I may have just let my emotions over proposing and the unforeseen way this came out, get the better of me.

I can tell you all this. I had a few glasses of wine and watched her movies last night and I have no issue with her doing the porn. I do not and would NEVER hold this against her. This is part of what made her who she is. And man do I love her!

Last night she called me. It was the first time we could really talk since she left on her trip. Time differences, schedules and the fact that she was travelling with her partner kinda made our conversations more of the “how are you doing, miss you, love you” variety. But this time we had the time to talk. 

Brennan, in this case I think you and her are similar. Does she regret what she did? Yes. But what she really regrets are the circumstances, under her control, that led her to make a series of decisions that she did not then have the maturity or experience to see all the options to. She did the best she could at the time. No one coerced her. Her situation then was dire to say the least. And she could have easily gone down an even worse and self-destructive path. 

In the end, this episode in her life has in part made her the woman she is today. Through all of this, she kept true to her goals, did well in school and helped support her sister. 

I can tell you that I do admire and love her so much. She is smart, funny, sexy, self confident and courageous. And I have to say “Smokin’ Hot!” But most importantly, she laughs at my jokes and we compliment each other so well. We know that when she gets home we need to REALLY discuss how we would/will handle our kids finding out about this. Perhaps it will be something that we pre-empt at the right age. We do not know yet. But we WILL make sure that we are ready for it when the time comes.

One thing that kind of surprised me is that she wants to tell my mother. The 2 of they are very close. Heck! Sometimes I think my mother loves her more than me!!  I’m not kidding when I tell you that that does make me very happy. But I think we will not tell my dad though.

As we were ending the call she asked me what if I enjoyed her movies. I told her yes. But that she was hotter now and that she was a million times better a lover. And most importantly, my lover.

When I pick her and her sister up at the airport, I am going to propose again. But this time instead of asking her to marry me, I’m going to ask her if she will let me spend the rest of my life with her.


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## 2rr (Feb 21, 2010)

I am not advising to marry or not. Marriage is just a form of relationship ( and that can take several forms ). Well, she needed money and took job. Who is to say that we at 'real work' are not doing the same ( don't you want to quit several times a day? )
I do not personally believe is sex. English has such beautiful name for it - love making. You become one body and soul. I doubt she was ever making love in those movies. And that people could see her body? does anybody considers actors ( many are famous ) the same way? Is going to nude place considered shame?
Does she has any shortcomings? that is the question you should be asking yourself.


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## AtaCrossroads (Mar 5, 2010)

Hi all,

I just wanted to give you an update. 

We are now truly engaged! We have set a date in December!

We have talked about what we would say if our kids found out. There is no way to fully know the possible situations. But it is something we are both prepared to deal with together. Our talks also covered so many things and I am so happy that her past has not colored our own intimacy.

Take care all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Congratulations! As for your kids...the number one rule to remember with kids is to maintain utter and total honesty. Well, after utter unconditional love. They'll be fine, as long as you don't lie to them.


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