# A note about stopping contact with "other person"



## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

My husband was asked to stop contact with the other woman over a year ago now. He has been acting rebellious towards me ever since, even though he made a choice to stop contact. Out of curiosity I asked him last night if I would have the back the man I fell in love with if he was able to resume contact with this other woman. His face lit up like a freakin Christmas tree with glee and then he said he needed to ponder that,but I could already tell that he would be his old self again if that could happen. Seeing that, I then asked what was so significant in their "relationship" over ours... what did it provide him that he didnt think he was getting here. He said nothing and I said thats not true otherwise it wouldnt mean anything to you to have said goodbye to that, but instead you have been punishing me ever since. He said I guess it was about being controlled, he felt I was controlling him bc he couldnt contact her anymore. I felt like crying bc it appears our relationship means that little to him without her around. However, I said to him today that even though I requested he stop contact, he made the choice to follow through and instead of owning that choice, he has been rebelling against me ever since. I further stated that if he didnt think he could do it, or found it impossible, he shouldnt have agreed to it, or approached me to talk instead of punishing me.

Anyway, I hope this is helpful information. I dont know what Im going to do with it... or with the fact that I now know my gut was right all along... he has been punishing me ever since he stopped contact with the other woman. I just hope that I can get over the hurt he has caused me physically (violence) and emotionally... all bc of this other woman he keeps claiming means nothing. If she meant nothing why did he break his wrist punching a door frame over her? Why did he emotionally choose her over me in our arguments (he cant talk, only argue about it) every time? Why is he even still married to ME if she is so important? I just cant take being punished for that mistake they made... now if he wanted to punish me for my current affair... absolutely, I take full responsibility and would make ammends something he has denied me all along... he wont even admit to anything, still... only look like a kid in a candy staore at the thought of being able to email her again.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> My husband was asked to stop contact with the other woman over a year ago now. He has been acting rebellious towards me ever since, even though he made a choice to stop contact. Out of curiosity I asked him last night if I would have the back the man I fell in love with if he was able to resume contact with this other woman. His face lit up like a freakin Christmas tree with glee and then he said he needed to ponder that,but I could already tell that he would be his old self again if that could happen. Seeing that, I then asked what was so significant in their "relationship" over ours... what did it provide him that he didnt think he was getting here. He said nothing and I said thats not true otherwise it wouldnt mean anything to you to have said goodbye to that, but instead you have been punishing me ever since. He said I guess it was about being controlled, he felt I was controlling him bc he couldnt contact her anymore. I felt like crying bc it appears our relationship means that little to him without her around. However, I said to him today that even though I requested he stop contact, he made the choice to follow through and instead of owning that choice, he has been rebelling against me ever since. I further stated that if he didnt think he could do it, or found it impossible, he shouldnt have agreed to it, or approached me to talk instead of punishing me.


There are two 'phases' to recovery in marriage - 

1) Ending the affair and

2) Improving the marriage.

It is never enough to just end the affair. That is, it is never enough to simple stop contact with the Other Person, and then go on about life. 

Once the affair ends, it is imperative that you BOTH start to work on the marriage. Affairs nearly ALWAYS occur because there are 'needs' in the marriage that are not being met. The affair starts when you meet someone who seems to meet the needs that you aren't getting at home. 

At once you begin to justify the illicit relationship - you begin to magnify your spouses bad points, minimize the good, and generally begin to rewrite your history with your spouse so that the new person seems like the White Knight, the Savior, the One, the Soul Mate.

And if the affair is ended by simply stopping contact, by avoiding the Perfect Other Person - _and no work is done to fix the troubles in the marriage_ - all that happens is bitterness, anger, and eventually the affair takes up again, a new one starts, or the marriage ends in disaster.

Now to point out a couple of things:

Whynot - you write that your husband is rebelling against you. Kids rebel against parents, slaves rebel against masters. You write that he feels like you are controlling him. If you feel that he is rebelling against you, then he is most likely right. People resent being controlled, especially by their spouse. 

The answer to your problem is simple: he must choose no contact for the sake of the marriage, not because you demand it. YOU must end all contact for the same reason. You both must focus on your marriage. 

From where I stand, it looks like you 'recovered' your marriage - that is, you are both not seeing someone else, and things have gone back to the way it was in the past.

The problem is - the 'way it was' resulted in affairs - by both of you! Is THAT the marriage you WANT? _*WHY???*_

If you want the love of your husband, if he wants your love, you'll have to move beyond simply stopping the affairs - you must improve your marriage to a point where the idea of having an affair is very far from your minds, where there isn't any need to consider one.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Tanelornpete said:


> There are two 'phases' to recovery in marriage -
> 
> 1) Ending the affair and
> 
> ...


Thanks for replying. I want to clarify that he made the choice to stop contact, I only suggested it. We were the kind of relationship that I had no interest in having an affair on and he started his affair before we even met... I simply just found out about it last year... he is apparently only part of a person without her, and I only found this out once she was out of his life because I only knew him with her in it.

The bottom line then is that he lied to me about truly choosing to end contact with her if in reality he has felt forced and controlled by me instead. I said to him today, just a few moments ago, that I felt he was confused by doing the right thing by ending contact with her and feeling like he was being controlled... for the first time in a year, he said I had a good point and didnt fight back. I urged him to talk to his family about this, and he has been over there all morning... it sounds like he has gotten some good advice. He really needs to reach out to other male friends too... he only talks to his mom and used to talk with this other woman... he has no perspective from outside his own mind. I never realized how isolated he makes himself... I told him I would support any type of self reflection and relationship work he is interested in, just let me know if and when. Im too afraid to hold my breath for a good outcome, bc every time I have in the last year it has found me exhaling with cries of hurt. But I can hope.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Couple of things to note. It really helps to clarify every issue - it helps because that points out where problems may lie, and also place where you can get trapped in the forest, missing the path.



> We were the kind of relationship that I had no interest in having an affair on and he started his affair before we even met


Your husband's affair did not start before you met him. It started the moment you and he were wed. An affair only exists when a marriage is also in existence. 

I am not sure how long you've been married, but I do know that the longer an affair goes on, the harder the 'addiction' is to end - the harder the withdrawal, etc. 

If your husband decided to marry one woman and keep another on the side, it is evidence that he is not fully aware of the meaning of the words 'promise' and 'vow' (and 'contract,' 'covenant,' 'obligation,' and 'commitment'). This is very common in modern society (we aren't really taught those concepts any more) - but it does point out an area where you can begin to shape your life so that these things take on more meaning.

By that, I mean, you do not 'educate' him on the words: you begin to live them, and let him see what it means. That will open up more and more opportunities to talk about them.

It would be useful for you to be VERY specific in noting the differences between the part of your life with him where you did not feel the need to have an affair, and what led up to you being unfaithful. THIS is one area where you need to work - or it will occur again.



> he is apparently only part of a person without her, and I only found this out once she was out of his life because I only knew him with her in it.


No, he is not 'part' of a person without her in his life. He is a COMPLETE person, regardless of whether ANYONE else is around or not. This is the same for everyone. He is a complete person who has not yet figured out the meaning of marriage. An understanding of commitment is something that needs to be learned in your marriage.



> The bottom line then is that he lied to me about truly choosing to end contact with her if in reality he has felt forced and controlled by me instead.


I am not sure he lied - it may be that he thought it would be easier. He may have meant it when he said it. 

But the real issue is this: he chose to end contact on the presupposition that things would go well between the two of you. When reality set in, and things are NO BETTER than before, he began to create a fantasy world in which this Other Woman is perfect, you are flawed, etc. And since he chose you, it follows (in a twisted, irrational rationalizing way) that you are the cause of his misery. 

In reality, the cause is twofold. One, he chose you instead of her, and two, I think you both assumed the marriage would sort of 'fix itself' - over time, things would 'get better' (somehow...)



> ...he only talks to his mom and used to talk with this other woman... he has no perspective from outside his own mind. I never realized how isolated he makes himself... I told him I would support any type of self reflection and relationship work he is interested in, just let me know if and when.


It may well be that your husband is an _introvert_ - he may not NEED very much outside 'perspective' - if by that you mean social interaction. He may well get 'perspective' from introverted means - reading, studying, internet, etc. 

My suggestion is that you start with a Myers Briggs Personality Test to find out the personality types of both of you. Its a fun test, and he would enjoy taking it. Once you have the results, you can read a lot more about your Types here. 

The reason I suggest this as a starting point is that it gives you a very clear idea of how to communicate - and the ways in which you have mis-communicated in the past. 

My guess is that your personality type may be one that wishes to impose order on his type, something that he may not enjoy... It's something that through mutual cooperation you'll be able to build a much better relationship.

You seem to want to wait for him to start work on your marriage. Why? Why not start yourself - and let him follow? If all you do is wait for HIM to come up with the idea of fixing your marriage, all you will be doing is resenting him not doing it; you'll be noticing his faults, and its pretty much guaranteed that fights will occur.

Start here - for yourself. Then take both of these quizzes and keep them stored for reference:

Love Busters

Emotional Needs

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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

T, thanks. I had not scrolled down to find you answered me and posted another thread. I worked on our marriage for a long time one way, with guidance from a therapist who we had seen together (he dropped out bc he didnt want to talk about other woman or sex). It didnt do anything. The most positive change has come since I stepped emotionally away from him and quite frankly things dramatically improved when I started my affair... he initiated a bit more, but still wouldnt accept any advance from me. He likes a distant relationship... its what he has learned from his perspective on his parents home life... his mom is cold and distant and dad is warm and flirty... what my husband didnt know was that his mom neer said no to his dad's advances... she just appears as an ice queen.

Yes, I agree there is absolutely the fantasy of the other woman being the perfect person, and me more and more flawed.

How are relationship was before I had the need to go seek sex elsewhere? Yes, well he kept promising me sex. But then, not delivering on it. I said to him its not fair to him or me if that need is so different, I will always feel neglected and refused and he will feel put upon and used. I said that maybe that is too big a difference for us and that we should move on... and he was insistent on staying with me, making the promise (3 times) that he never wanted truly to make good on. He had no intention of having sex with me anywhere near what I wanted he said, he promised me that so I wouldnt leave... it makes no sense to me... why would he choose to be with a woman knowing her needs are something he has no desire in helping out with... along with the fact he was emotionally connected with the other woman instead of me... I thought he was just a detatched person, not that he was A-ttached to another woman and just detatched from me.

How do we move on if he wont admit, nor disclose? Keep on living with the "pretend everything is ok" scenario he seems to need? 

I cheated bc it was clear that he was not going to do those things, ever (nor did he allow me when we were dating to go do those things with someone else and I was so committed to him I didnt stray, and he made those promises to "be that man"), and I decided to take care of them myself with someone who was willing. Im done now, I got to do the few things that I wanted to do before I die... open grassy field in the sun, car and hotel room (3 things I had never done and husband would never do, ever.). Husband is off the hook for doing things which repulse him and he is more relaxed since I dont ask anymore.

But the pink elephant is still in the room about this other woman.


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