# Cheating wife still doesn't "get it"



## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

As I get closer to divorce being final I have realised that I have still not fully "let go" of my wife emotionally. Logically and practically, sure, a long time ago, but emotionally it would appear not.
I thought I had but it seems I tried to move on too soon and skipped over that part, or not appreciated that the emotional attachment takes a long time to deal with.

In a moment of weakness yesterday and having forgotten when the actual court date was I called the WW. She asked how I was in the nicest possible way and said I could call her any time and that she hopes we could be friends some day.
I couldn't believe it.
I told her why on earth would I want to talk to her or be her friend after what she did to me.
Then she said much the same thing again.

I mean...... really?????

How can she be so completely clueless about much she screwed me over and still to this day how devastated I am about what happened.

I had plans for my GF to move in with me, but I have realised I still have unresolved issues for my WW. To my great despair, I had to tell my GF I thought it would not be right for us to move in together yet and that I still had some work on myself to do with my counsellor who I am seeing tonight.

I'm having a hard time about all this because I have upset my GF greatly and it seems like a backwards step in my life. It's all quite painful.

When does all this end!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Not yet. It can take several years.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Not yet. It can take several years.


Great.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think when we make big commitments in life it's just very hard to get the heart and mind to adjust to new, unplanned realities. It's a bit like grieving the sudden death of someone we loved, where the reality is new and unwanted.

With a betrayal, however, we have our hearts catching up with our minds. We know that we no longer trust the person we committed to. And we have lost respect. Eventually those realities settle in and we can detach.

It takes time, though. Everyone says that and I think it is true for most people. You know you'll get there, OP. Everyone does. It's just a cr*ppy ride until we do. I know. I'm sorry.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

poida said:


> As I get closer to divorce being final I have realised that I have still not fully "let go" of my wife emotionally. Logically and practically, sure, a long time ago, but emotionally it would appear not.
> I thought I had but it seems I tried to move on too soon and skipped over that part, or not appreciated that the emotional attachment takes a long time to deal with.
> 
> In a moment of weakness yesterday and having forgotten when the actual court date was *I called the WW.* She asked how I was in the nicest possible way and said I could call her any time and that she hopes we could be friends some day.
> ...


OK... so then why'd you call her in the first place?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> OK... so then why'd you call her in the first place?


I guess I was trying to understand why I was unable to commit properly to my GF emotionally and why I still had thoughts about my WW. I was totally confused, frustrated and angry and I didn't understand why I couldn't move on.

In a moment of frustration I called her to try to garner something (I had also forgotten the divorce date but that was more of an excuse than anything), I wasn't sure what. But as soon as she said I could call her any time, I broke down. In that moment I hated her but realised I still had some emotional attachment left for her. I guess you could say in some way I still love her. It was very painful, but I realised immediately that I had not let her go completely yet and everything made sense all of a sudden. I said nothing but goodbye and hung up.

I am seeing my counsellor tonight but any suggestions about how to finish detaching are appreciated.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

poida said:


> I guess I was trying to understand why I was unable to commit properly to my GF emotionally and why I still had thoughts about my WW. I was totally confused, frustrated and angry and I didn't understand why I couldn't move on.
> 
> In a moment of frustration I called her to try to garner something (I had also forgotten the divorce date but that was more of an excuse than anything), I wasn't sure what. But as soon as she said I could call her any time, I broke down. In that moment I hated her but realised I still had some emotional attachment left for her. I guess you could say in some way I still love her. It was very painful, but I realised immediately that I had not let her go completely yet and everything made sense all of a sudden. I said nothing but goodbye and hung up.
> 
> I am seeing my counsellor tonight but *any suggestions about how to finish detaching are appreciated.*


You're not going to like it...


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> You're not going to like it...


It can't be worse than this.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> You're not going to like it...


Suggestions please.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

poida said:


> As I get closer to divorce being final I have realised that I have still not fully "let go" of my wife emotionally. Logically and practically, sure, a long time ago, but emotionally it would appear not.
> I thought I had but it seems I tried to move on too soon and skipped over that part, or not appreciated that the emotional attachment takes a long time to deal with.
> 
> In a moment of weakness yesterday and having forgotten when the actual court date was I called the WW. She asked how I was in the nicest possible way and said I could call her any time and that she hopes we could be friends some day.
> ...


You have to stop being so hard on yourself. Infidelity is probably one of the worst things that any human can go through because it is betrayal by the very person who is basically your other half. You need to give yourself the time to grieve, cry, rage and eventually heal. Moving onto other relationships and moving too fast is not a good idea as you carry the baggage into that relationship too. Take time to take care of yourself first, all other things can wait. if your GF has any sense she would realise that it is better to have an improved you rather than one who still carries the wounds of his marriage.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Unless it is about the divorce, stop communicating with her. She has nothing to offer you but pain or BS at this point in your life. You are better off without her- hence the divorce.

Drop the communication with cheating soon to be X and you will stop her ability to set you back. She will just leave you frustrated, confused, reliving betrayal etc. Leave her butt in the past and focus on your future.

I have no idea if that includes GF, but I know it doesn't include cheating STBX.

Good luck
WD


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Give credit where credit is due. You did the right thing by being up front and honest with your girlfriend. The one thing you don't want to do is get in another serious relationship when you still have issues with the last one.

The best thing I can tell you is the next time call the court house and find out and do not contact her any longer. 

I hope you can work things out with your current and be honest with her because if your not ready, there's no way you can give 100% to her and that isn't fair to her. She deserves 100% and not 75 or 80.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

poida said:


> Suggestions please.


Sorry, I can't suggest anything since I married the rebound girl. All I can say is that it can take a long time. Even after remarrying, and having a child, it still would bother me from time to time. I never got any closure at all. In a way, you're more fortunate in that it seems that you can communicate with your STBXW in a civil manner. In my case, it was very, very ugly. The cheating XW actually thinks I wronged her from what little I've heard. :scratchhead:

Through the grapevine, my XW was telling people that I left her for my current wife, which of course wasn't true at all. A woman scorned...that kind of thing. I don't know how reliable that info is since it was from a friend of a friend of friend who knows so and so.  She expected me to come crawling back and chasing her like I always did. She's probably just furious that I moved on. But I'm pretty sure I self medicated with alcohol and spent the year after the divorce in a drunken stupor until I met the current fWW.

But yeah, it might take a while, but we're all different.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> You're not going to like it...





poida said:


> It can't be worse than this.


::: cracks knuckles :::

OK. Here goes...

The bottom line is that you're not going to be able to _fully_ detach from your feelings for your STBX while simultaneously attempting to work through your feelings for your girlfriend. It's also not at all fair to your girlfriend that you continue to go from hot to warm to lukewarm every time that you attempt to do so. The perpetual ebb and flow is undoubtedly hurting her.

It's beyond apparent that you're not ready for a relationship. Several here have attempted -- to no avail, seemingly -- to point that out to you... over and over and over.

You need to be alone for a while. Probably at least a year.

Sorry man.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

aine said:


> You have to stop being so hard on yourself. Infidelity is probably one of the worst things that any human can go through because it is betrayal by the very person who is basically your other half. You need to give yourself the time to grieve, cry, rage and eventually heal. Moving onto other relationships and moving too fast is not a good idea as you carry the baggage into that relationship too. Take time to take care of yourself first, all other things can wait. if your GF has any sense she would realise that it is better to have an improved you rather than one who still carries the wounds of his marriage.


She knows and supports me. We have a very open and honest communication. I made it clear it wasn't fair to her if I didn't sort my sh*t out first so I could commit fully.


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

poida said:


> Suggestions please.


Re-read you thread, all you need to know is there. Don't let nostalgia and a fear of the the future control you. You deserve better and given time you'll realize what you had was not good, no matter what shade of rose the glasses you once wore. 

She is who she is, she doesn't see that but you do. 

Cheers,
V(13)


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> ::: cracks knuckles :::
> 
> OK. Here goes...
> 
> ...


I guess booking a European trip in June was a mistake huh. Kinda makes it difficult when we have already put down $8k for the trip.

I guess I agree but don't know what to do with the holiday coming up.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

poida said:


> I guess booking a European trip in June was a mistake huh. Kinda makes it difficult when we have already put down $8k for the trip.
> 
> I guess I agree but don't know what to do with the holiday coming up.


Not really, anything that gets your mind off of her is good. You need the distraction and change of scenery. You enjoy the trip for YOU and make new memories.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> Not really, anything that gets your mind off of her is good. You need the distraction and change of scenery. You enjoy the trip for YOU and make new memories.


The trip is WITH my GF. I assume you understood that?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The thing is poida, is that your STBXW was nice and sweet to you, and that probably took you by surprise, and it hurt you. What you wanted to hear was her crying on the phone, begging you for another chance. You wanted to know that she was miserable without you, so when she talked to you sweetly and nicely, it hurt.

That is just natural, because it gives us closure. I wanted the exact same thing from my XW as you do. I bet you wanted to hear all that so you could say that its too late. Again, that's just natural. Well, sometimes life doesn't work out that way, and you do not truly know how she feels, she really could be miserable inside, but she puts up a front to you. 

I used to think that "living well is the best revenge" advice was a bunch of bullsh!t, because that's how I felt at the time. Now years later, I realize it really is very true. It doesn't feel so right now, but years from now you will seriously feel different. You will be thinking to yourself "What was I thinking being hung up on her?". Yet another cliché is "Time heals all wounds". Well, time really does help. It may not heal all wounds, but the sting of the wounds lessen over time.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

poida said:


> The trip is WITH my GF. I assume you understood that?


And? You don't want to do the trip by yourself, do you? Its always better to share the experience with someone else. Even if she is going with you, the trip can still be for you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> The thing is poida, is that your STBXW was nice and sweet to you, and that probably took you by surprise, and it hurt you. What you wanted to hear was her crying on the phone, begging you for another chance. You wanted to know that she was miserable without you, so when she talked to you sweetly and nicely, it hurt.
> 
> That is just natural, because it gives us closure. I wanted the exact same thing from my XW as you do. I bet you wanted to hear all that so you could say that its too late. Again, that's just natural. Well, sometimes life doesn't work out that way, and you do not truly know how she feels, she really could be miserable inside, but she puts up a front to you.
> 
> I used to think that "living well is the best revenge" advice was a bunch of bullsh!t, because that's how I felt at the time. Now years later, I realize it really is very true. It doesn't feel so right now, but years from now you will seriously feel different. You will be thinking to yourself "What was I thinking being hung up on her?". Yet another cliché is "Time heals all wounds". Well, time really does help. It may not heal all wounds, but the sting of the wounds lessen over time.


Very wise words from Mayhem Poida.

And when it comes to "living well is the best revenge" the other side of that coin is that you wish your Exwife the best and that she finds happiness as well.

Because when you can think of her in that way you are truly detached from her and ready to love someone else.

It sounds weird but think about it.

You can only hate her for so long.

It is a lot easier to be detached and focusing on what is best for you.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

poida said:


> How can she be so completely clueless about much she screwed me over and still to this day how devastated I am about what happened.


Let this sink in....

She's not the one whose clueless, YOU ARE.

She knows exactly what she did she just doesn't give a FVCK about your feelings. Well more precisely, she cares far more about her own than yours.

Any perceived compassion or niceness from her is just an attempt to fish for attention so she can get her ego boosted.

You need to 180 this b!tch HARD. ACCEPT that she will NEVER care about you or feel true remorse and let her go.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> And? You don't want to do the trip by yourself, do you? Its always better to share the experience with someone else. Even if she is going with you, the trip can still be for you.


Thanks. I will ask my GF is she is OK to cool things off for a while, but keep the trip.

I do still care a lot for her and I think she is an amazing person. I would love her to be part of my life in the future.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Let this sink in....
> 
> She's not the one whose clueless, YOU ARE.
> 
> ...


Exactly, the fact the she doesn't care enough to just try to understand your emotion, one of the worst pain caused by HER should be more than enough to move on. She's telling you exactly who she is, a selfish NPD. But i suppose the memories and a bit of denial hinder you to accept that

People who's not BS just won't get how BS feel, they can see it but they don't get through it.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Daniel. said:


> Exactly, the fact the she doesn't care enough to just try to understand your emotion, one of the worst pain caused by HER should be more than enough to move on. She's telling you exactly who she is, a selfish NPD. But i suppose the memories and a bit of denial hinder you to accept that
> 
> People who's not BS just won't get how BS feel, they can see it and they don't get through it.


Yeah, I've been thinking about everything she said in that conversation and every single word that came out of her mouth was only about reducing the guilt on herself. Selfish again.

Thanks guys. All very helpful.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> ::: cracks knuckles :::
> 
> OK. Here goes...
> 
> ...


Quoted for truth. Listen to Gus.

I learned the same lesson by experience many years ago. Unfortunately it broke the heart of a wonderful woman who wanted to marry me but was wise enough to see I wasn't ready. I, like you, couldn't see it very clearly. Trust us on this one.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

The 180lists : The 180 | AFFAIRCARE

Read it several time, print it, read it during the day, until you know it by heart.

Did you been in IC ?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

poida said:


> How can she be so completely clueless about much she screwed me over and still to this day how devastated I am about what happened.


Here's the thing I've said several times before and it will behoove you to accept it. When a woman cheats she's lost romantic interest in you. When they lose romantic interest in you they don't care how devastated you are. When they ditch you for another guy, their interest is in the other guy. They care about what the other guy is feeling. Take my word for it dawg, she's easily forgiven herself for whatever pain she caused you. 

When she said she hoped you'll could be friends someday, its kinda like you seeing and old classmate and saying, "lets do lunch sometime". After you walk away, you never think about it again. Similarly, when she hung up the phone, you were out of her mind.

As far as the GF, the only one of these two that cares about you, its funny how you delayed the moving in together after you had the "reason" to call your ex, and discovered lingering 'issues". I suspect what you were really hoping for was "I still love you" rather than "could be friends some day". 

You're throwing the baby out with the bathwater because you still have the hots for a woman that doesn't give a rats azz about you. She's gone my man and all youre ever going to get 
is "let continue to be friends".


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

cgiles said:


> The 180lists : The 180 | AFFAIRCARE
> 
> Read it several time, print it, read it during the day, until you know it by heart.
> 
> Did you been in IC ?


Not relevant any more. 
I don't want her back and I'm happy in my new life. 

I was simply frustrated that I had lingering emotions for my WW whilst being with my GF.

It's natural and it will just take time.

I just needed a reminder of just how sh*tty a person she is I suppose.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Quoted for truth. Listen to Gus.
> 
> I learned the same lesson by experience many years ago. Unfortunately it broke the heart of a wonderful woman who wanted to marry me but was wise enough to see I wasn't ready. I, like you, couldn't see it very clearly. Trust us on this one.


What would you do then if you had a 4 week European holiday with your GF in June.

Be honest.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

poida said:


> What would you do then if you had a 4 week European holiday with your GF in June.
> 
> Be honest.


I know one thing for sure - don't make any decision while you are emotional.

And if you would ask my opinion - I would stick to the plan and would go on holiday. And depending how it will go on holiday, you can make a decision regarding your GF.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

poida said:


> Thanks. I will ask my GF is she is OK to cool things off for a while, but keep the trip.
> 
> I do still care a lot for her and I think she is an amazing person. I would love her to be part of my life in the future.


Just tell your GF this ^

If she loves you and is understanding she will wait a while so you can prepare for a deeper relationship. If she won't, then maybe she's not as awesome as you thought and no loss if she moves on.

Take her on the trip and have a good time, assuming she will cooperate. Good luck.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Poida

How WS do you see on TAM that do "get it"? They are few and far between. I am reconciling with my WW, but much like you, we are basically dating again. Our marriage was killed by her affair, trust was at zero. You are dating someone new, guess what, so am I. My WW has changed, I've changed, we are learning to love each other just as if we started dating. 

We are moving slow as you should, your burying one relationship and starting another. In many ways the same as I. I have struggled to detach from the wife I knew, to the one I know now. I know the real her now, just as you do, but you have a great opportunity with someone with a clean slate. I don't, I'm taking a risk that my WW will learn from what she has done. Your new girlfriend hasn't cheated on you, obviously cares for you, and wants to be with you. 

Poida, do you think your ex-wife could ever be what your new girlfriend is to you? Even if you did reconcile, do you think you could be as happy as you are now? Do you think your ex-wife has the strength to reconcile? You my friend are a good person who seems to have found a good girlfriend, one you can see a future with. Can your ex even compare to that? Let your ex go, wish her well and focus on you and what you have. 

Take this trip with your girlfriend and make it about you, your girlfriend, and come to peace about your ex. You will always have a love for your ex, whether you admit it or not, much like a first girlfriend. A part of your heart will always be theirs, but the rest belongs to your girlfriend. There is a place in my heart for my first girlfriend, doesn't mean I'm in love with her, but she was a special person in my life at one time. 

I hope some of this makes sense to you, I had to rush this and I may not have conveyed what I'm trying to say correctly. Good luck to you and stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

poida said:


> What would you do then if you had a 4 week European holiday with your GF in June.
> 
> Be honest.


Weak men wait for the timing to be right and the stars to be aligned. Strong men make it so my man. Do you want to keep performing an autopsy on why your ex went for another guy while good things in your subsequent life passes you by? Your azz may be dead in the next couple of years. Think about it.
Of course you'll get some advise to put your life on hold and sit around licking your wounds until you can come to grips with the situation. Not me Dawg. Come June, I'd be in Europe eating food, drinking wine, taking in the sights and servicing that filly.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
The answer to your question is extremely simple and yet amazingly difficult. It is all about acceptance. There is a part of you that refuses to accept that this is the new reality and will not let it go. That part expects that the nightmare will end and the storybook ending will play out, regardless the facts to the contrary. Unlike a horse with a broken leg there is no magic bullet that will end it which means you must slowly and painfully watch the hope that last part of you has die. It can be excruciating and debilitating. The easy thing, if it were possible, would be to logically accept that it is over and thereby feel the release however very few, if any, have the ability to flip that switch. So you can either sit alone and watch that last hope slowly die or you can take your holiday and help kill it quicker.

Your GF knows of your situation I assume and she is probably understanding enough to realize the relationship for what it is. As long as she knows the score then I would take the holiday and have a great time. Your STBXWW has occupied enough of your time and thoughts, push her to the background and soon she will all but disappear. Good fortune to you.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

I have been cheated on a few times and each time the girl told me the same thing.

"I hope we can be friends again, etc"

I just figured it was a way to make them feel better about themselves as i have no reason to be friends with anyone like that.

The best way to deal with it is to cut them out of your life or they will poison it every time they are around, or call, or text.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

poida said:


> Thanks. I will ask my GF is she is OK to cool things off for a while, but keep the trip.


How the heck are you going to do that??

Anyway she's gonna be peeo'd


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

He's going to try to claim temporary insanity.  I know I'd go for it if some chick say, "gee Dr. Pheonix, can we keep the trip but cool things off while I get over my ex-husband who cast me aside like a used rubber?"


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

If I was her and I had an ounce of self respect I'd tell him to take my plane ticket and put it where the sun don't shine.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Sandie my girl, I wouldn't want a GF who'd hang around after being told to cool it until I could get over another woman. Of course if the shoe were on the other foot, I'd tell the woman, "sure we'll cool it and I'll go to Europe as long as you as long as you foot the bill, provide some walking around money, and sleep with me while we're there." But I was an escort years back and I'm use to being nothing more than a companion.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

ThePheonix said:


> Sandie my girl


I am NOT your girl!

And if I WAS your girl and found out you wanted me to wait around for you to "get over an ex" I wouldn't be your girl anymore!

You really shouldn't be dating until your further along in your healing, it's not fair to others.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

poida said:


> What would you do then if you had a 4 week European holiday with your GF in June.
> 
> Be honest.


Four weeks? WTF?

How the fvck do you get four weeks off?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sandie said:


> *i am not your girl!*
> 
> and if i was your girl and found out you wanted me to wait around for you to "get over an ex" i wouldn't be your girl anymore!
> 
> You really shouldn't be dating until your further along in your healing, it's not fair to others.


damn right!!!



:d


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Sorry Sandie, I should have proof read my post. Anyway its fixed now. Don't take offense at the "my girl". It just the vernacular I use, albeit, its a bit presumptuous on my part. My only caveat is that is that I'm too old to really worry about being presumptuous. If you will, cut me some slack for poor judgement.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

OK


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Poida
> 
> How WS do you see on TAM that do "get it"? They are few and far between. I am reconciling with my WW, but much like you, we are basically dating again. Our marriage was killed by her affair, trust was at zero. You are dating someone new, guess what, so am I. My WW has changed, I've changed, we are learning to love each other just as if we started dating.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup: Awesome.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> Weak men wait for the timing to be right and the stars to be aligned. Strong men make it so my man. Do you want to keep performing an autopsy on why your ex went for another guy while good things in your subsequent life passes you by? Your azz may be dead in the next couple of years. Think about it.
> Of course you'll get some advise to put your life on hold and sit around licking your wounds until you can come to grips with the situation. Not me Dawg. Come June, I'd be in Europe eating food, drinking wine, taking in the sights and servicing that filly.


Ohh god that made ma laf.... :rofl:

Too right. 

During counselling last night we determined that my anxiety was not primarily from not being alone long enough, but triggered by a new relationship with new perceived demands from my GF. In my usual manner from the past, I sought to please the woman in my life and so in this situation, I was highly focussed on what she wanted (moving in, marriage, new car, kids etc).
I am hypersensitive to meeting her needs and not focussed on my own. 
Everyone's situation and personality is different, and for me, it's about looking after my needs.
Time alone might reduce the hurt from the past, but it isn't going to resolve my burning need to please women in my new relationship. That can only be practised IN a relationship.
We also determined that these anxieties only happened when things were going well and I found relief in actually inducing a rift between us to take the pressure down.
Just understanding this mechanism is a great relief and my anxiety about being in a relationship is much reduced.

It's time to look after my needs, remain focussed on reality, be aware of my need to please women, be a good BF and leader, and enjoy life.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Four weeks? WTF?
> 
> How the fvck do you get four weeks off?


Work my arse off for 13 years at the same workplace.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

poida said:


> It's time to look after my needs, remain focussed on reality, be aware of my need to please women, be a good BF and leader, and enjoy life.


And what's a better way to look after your needs than going to Europe with your new main squeeze, eating, drinking wine, and taking in the sights. You need a change in scenery my man. This crap will still be here in July. BTW, ain't nothing wrong with pleasing women. It was my life and my passion for awhile and still is in respect to my wife. Its like making an investment. Sometimes it pays off and sometimes it doesn't. Like and investment, make it clear there are both costs and dividends and if one is missing, your out. Comme la vie.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

poida said:


> Work my arse off for 13 years at the same workplace.


If you go to Europe for four weeks you will run out of money in two.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

lordmayhem said:


> The thing is poida, is that your STBXW was nice and sweet to you, and that probably took you by surprise, and it hurt you. What you wanted to hear was her crying on the phone, begging you for another chance. You wanted to know that she was miserable without you, so when she talked to you sweetly and nicely, it hurt.
> 
> That is just natural, because it gives us closure. I wanted the exact same thing from my XW as you do. I bet you wanted to hear all that so you could say that its too late. Again, that's just natural. Well, sometimes life doesn't work out that way, and you do not truly know how she feels, she really could be miserable inside, but she puts up a front to you.
> 
> I used to think that "living well is the best revenge" advice was a bunch of bullsh!t, because that's how I felt at the time. Now years later, I realize it really is very true. It doesn't feel so right now, but years from now you will seriously feel different. You will be thinking to yourself "What was I thinking being hung up on her?". Yet another cliché is "Time heals all wounds". Well, time really does help. It may not heal all wounds, but the sting of the wounds lessen over time.


Really spot on advice. Just fantastic.


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

ThePheonix said:


> And what's a better way to look after your needs than going to Europe with your new main squeeze, eating, drinking wine, and taking in the sights. You need a change in scenery my man. This crap will still be here in July. BTW, ain't nothing wrong with pleasing women. It was my life and my passion for awhile and still is in respect to my wife. Its like making an investment. Sometimes it pays off and sometimes it doesn't. Like and investment, make it clear there are both costs and dividends and if one is missing, your out. Comme la vie.


If I may threadjack. How did you get into the line of escorting? I'm not judging against it. But its an underground business. I am just wondering you got into it without being afraid of being sold off somewhere.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I was basically a part-time male escort. I was 6 ft with my shoes on, about 190, a black belt in taekwondo, and was in excellent physical shape (a few years back, in an "unofficial" poll by the co-eds, I was voted as having the best looking male instructor's azz on campus. At well beyond middle age, I'd be lying if I said I was proud of that.) So I wasn't worried about being sold off. But it does sound interesting. . How I got into it is a long story. The short version is that I came into town on a turnip truck, got marriage to a selfish, complaining, iceburg, had a female college friend who owned a couple of beauty salons and spas that set me up with her female clients that wanted some companionship. I was in the business for a few years before meeting my current wife. (a fisty redhead about 10 years younger that knows how to keep my jets cool. That was 22 years ago and married 20 come this July. I've been on the wagon since dating her. If she keeps up the good work, I'll keep her.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Cheaters dont get it because they rewrite history in their mind to rationalize the damage they caused. 

In a cheater's mind its:
"Well I normally wouldnt cheat so it MUST have been something about my H/W that "made" me cheat...
Oh it was his breath...
No it was his cologne...
No, it was his HYGEINE!...
Yes thats it...
He SMELLED SOOOOOO BAD that I couldnt bear to be near him. Yes, thats it. I cheated because there simply wasnt anything else I could do because he was such a smelly, SMELLY man!...
However did I endure such torment?! 
Im a freaking God for being with them for so long!
He should be glad I even looked at him!
I will offer to be friends because I pity him so!
*Look Honey! See how wonderful I am*?"

Substitute any minor condition and apply the hamster wheel above and you get classic history revision...only its their version.
Its specifically tailored to make them less guilty and allow them to sleep at night.

I swatted the cat in the butt with a hand because they were on the counter. Several months later this turned into "flinging the cat onto the floor." Even more months later I "was abusive to animals."

When my daughters heard that they flew off the couch and defended me because they all know I have a wicked soft spot for animals and would never abuse an animal.

Its a classic defense that really seems to sting to the person who was cheated on BECAUSE they look like they dont get it.
Deep down, they do...and it's going to affect each and every relationship they have from now on.

The difference between what they taught themselves to think wont jive with what others see...eventually tanking their new relationship...or at the very least poisoning it a little each day.

Thier new relations will see it more and more...they will think "Well if he is such a bad person...How come he seems so nice when I meet him? Gosh SamuraiJack really loves his pets. Why would she call him abusive? An "abusive" person doesnt lean down and give his dog kisses...wth?"

She rewrote certain things in her mind to cover her guilt and the fact that she isnt the nice person she thought she was.

Like information on a hard drive that has been written over...its not accessible except to forensic software which she isnt interested in using.

She doesnt want to use it because she doesnt want to "get it".
Because "getting it" would mean she really is just a lowlife cheater...and we cant have that now, can we?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> If you go to Europe for four weeks you will run out of money in two.


Yeah, based on our route through France, Italy and Croatia I'd say 13 years of savings are going to be stretched.!!!!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

lordmayhem said:


> Sorry, I can't suggest anything since I married the rebound girl. All I can say is that it can take a long time. Even after remarrying, and having a child, it still would bother me from time to time. I never got any closure at all. In a way, you're more fortunate in that it seems that you can communicate with your STBXW in a civil manner. In my case, it was very, very ugly. The cheating XW actually thinks I wronged her from what little I've heard. :scratchhead:
> 
> Through the grapevine, my XW was telling people that I left her for my current wife, which of course wasn't true at all. A woman scorned...that kind of thing. I don't know how reliable that info is since it was from a friend of a friend of friend who knows so and so.  She expected me to come crawling back and chasing her like I always did. She's probably just furious that I moved on. But I'm pretty sure I self medicated with alcohol and spent the year after the divorce in a drunken stupor until I met the current fWW.
> 
> But yeah, it might take a while, but we're all different.


Ah, I didn't know that. We share a very similar story - I also married my "rebound", and I never got any closure from my ex wife. Still bothers me almost 7 years later from time to time, but you learn to let go.

And, like you, my ex wife made up some stories about the ending of our marriage as well. Helped me figure out who my friends were, which was a positive.

I actually bumped into one guy who was quite clearly in her camp after the whole debacle, but I think he's since figured it out (as have the rest of them, most likely). I didn't give him the time of day. Glanced at him with a raised eyebrow as he started to say hi to me, and kept on my way.

To the OP: You'll get over it in time, trust me. It took me two weeks to get over my ex wife, from a relationship standpoint (as in, it took me that short of a time to realize I was better off without her, truly). I literally went from 14 years with her, where I thought I was happy, to d-day, to 2 weeks later feeling like I had lost 100lbs and feeling 10 years younger. But that's not common. That's the way my brain is built, for better or for worse. Even in that dark time, I realized I was in love with a woman who no longer existed, and was now gone for good, in the blink of an eye. I treated the whole thing like a death. One day the person is there, and the next, they're gone. And it only took me those two weeks to realize the woman I was in love with was not that woman any more, and never would be. This is not an easy line of thought for most people, but if you knew my ex wife, you'd understand it wasn't all that difficult a thing to do. I spent so many years walking around with a blindfold on, thinking I could see perfectly fine. Then when the blindfold was ripped off, it took my eyes a short amount of time to adjust. And when they did, I realized that I hadn't actually been able to see at all for all those years.

However, it DID take me the better part of 2 years to get over the SITUATION and the repercussions. No closure will do that to you.

In the 7 or 8 months after d-day in which I had contact with her, she started off acting as though she was having a hard time with all this, hated hurting me, wanted to be friends, and even wanted to see me and spend time with me. She'd show up unannounced with cookies she baked, or dinner she'd made and frozen for me.

And god, when I started dating, she wanted to vet my girffriend first - make sure she was good for me and treated me right. The nerve. She came over once, unannounced as usual, but my girlfriend and her then 8 year old son were there. She about lost her s***. Like actually seeing me with another woman other than her was a slap in her face or something. This is a good 6 months after we broke up.

It was at this point that I finally put a stop to this. I had been distantly friendly with her up to this point, never the one to make contact with her unless divorce related. She was the one to show up, or want to spend time with me, or ask me how things were going. I always kept it professional and divorce related, but she seemed to actually want to be friends. And her apparent jealousy over seeing me with my girlfriend (now wife) 6 months after she left me for another man (who she was with at that time and eventually married) was too much.

So, long story short, sometimes the cheater acts in ways you wouldn't expect, but this is generally because they're selfish and egotistical to begin with. It became clear that my ex wife wanted her guy AND me, but both for different reasons. I realize now, all these years later, the sick nature of my ex wife. She wanted her boyfriend, and she wanted to make sure she still had me, in one way or another. And why I say it was sick is that this wasn't some sort of vindictive or calculated move on her part, she genuinely felt this and acted upon it in the spur of the moment. I saw this close-up, clear as day, when she flipped out that I had my girlfriend over and she actually saw her. 6 months after she left me for the OM.

So with that, I let her out of my life permanently, and dramatically. We have not spoken since, nor do I hope to. And that is something I should have done 2 weeks after d-day.

You'll get there.


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