# Got a Question and Need Answers



## itsher (Mar 30, 2013)

Okay Men,

I thought I would post here because I am looking for your point of view. What do men consider affection? In other words, when do you feel you are receiving affection from your wife? Is it hugs and kisses (outside of sex)? Or is it the things she does, the way she takes care of you?:scratchhead:


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I am sure it varies (i.e. the 5 love languages). Mine is physical touch so I get the most from physical touch and yes, SEX.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sex and food. Belly full and testicles empty, most guys are happy as hogs in slop.


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## itsher (Mar 30, 2013)

Thank you for your posts. So I'd like to clarify what you both are saying. So affection to you is sex? What about the hugging and kisses without the sex? Just want to make it clear that the sex is great, hubby and I both agree there is no problem there. I cook, clean and look after him EXTREMELY well. I'm being told I'm not affectionate because I don't do the hugging and kissing and rubbing in between. This confuses me because I show affection in so many other ways. My husband says that affection is hugging, kisses, that type of thing. My argument is that's his opinion and not factual because everybody expresses affection differently. It's starting to cause a huge issue.


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## Furious George (Nov 14, 2011)

itsher said:


> Thank you for your posts. So I'd like to clarify what you both are saying. So affection to you is sex? What about the hugging and kisses without the sex? Just want to make it clear that the sex is great, hubby and I both agree there is no problem there. I cook, clean and look after him EXTREMELY well. I'm being told I'm not affectionate because I don't do the hugging and kissing and rubbing in between. This confuses me because I show affection in so many other ways. My husband says that affection is hugging, kisses, that type of thing. My argument is that's his opinion and not factual because everybody expresses affection differently. It's starting to cause a huge issue.


I think it works best when it is a mixture of all of these things.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

For me, its could be as simple as just a kiss in passing or a head on my shoulder.

...or as obvious as her jumping on me butt azz naked..

I used to love it when I was working in the house(dishes or cooking) and my ex would come up behind me, put her arms around me and her head on my back...No words....just touch.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

geek down said:


> For me, its could be as simple as just a kiss in passing or a head on my shoulder.
> 
> ...or as obvious as her jumping on me butt azz naked..
> 
> I used to love it when I was working in the house(dishes or cooking) and my ex would come up behind me, put her arms around me and her head on my back...No words....just touch.


Couldn't say it better myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I am a 5LL guy and physical touch does it for me, touch, cuddle time, and lots and lots of sex....We also like cooking together, working on a big Easter dinner today....


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## itsher (Mar 30, 2013)

Thanks all. I guess you guys like the mushy stuff too, makes sense. I will work on it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

itsher...if your huband is straight up telling you he needs more physical affection, you need to give it to him.

It isn't his opinion, he is talking about the FACT of his own needs. Please don't tell him that his needs are just opinions. That's very disrespectful.


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## itsher (Mar 30, 2013)

@ Faithful Wife. 

I hear what you are saying. I can understand what he says he needs, but it is not factual for him to state that "all" people need this and that this is how affection is shown. That is not factual at all.

I am not a person who needs constant hovering and fawning over. I feel affection from him when he completes household chores or helps me around the house or things like that.

So his needs are understood, but it is in fact, "his opinion" that all people feel this way. So it is not disrespectful for me to have an "opinion". Thank you for your reply.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

itsher said:


> @ Faithful Wife.
> 
> I hear what you are saying. I can understand what he says he needs, but it is not factual for him to state that "all" people need this and that this is how affection is shown. That is not factual at all.
> 
> ...


"*All*" is incorrect. Different people need different things. Perhaps he's trying to make you out to be the bad guy.


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## itsher (Mar 30, 2013)

Well currently I will take responsibility for not showing enough affection (the hugs, the kisses, etc.). However, the question above is just a general question. He used to be a pretty "bad" guy, emotially abusive, etc. He has come along way, but he now needs to allow me the time to improve also. He can't really fault me for expecting the "worst" from someone who always gave the worst. 

I sit back and wait for that "horrible guy" to show back up. He shows signs but I give him an A+ for improvement. So, it will take me some time to get to where he needs me to be.

Point is I'm trying to get there. I merely asked the question to the men here because I wanted to know if there are many men that need this kind of affection, or if he was in fact trying to turn me into the bad guy.

I will give him what he needs, even if I don't "need that same type of affection". I can be fair.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

itsher, Ok if he is saying that everyone feels that way, you are right, not everyone feels that way. But you did not tell us that in your previous post. I was only going off this: "My husband says that affection is hugging, kisses, that type of thing." You didn't tell us he also says that "everyone" feels this way.

So that is cool, you are right, not everyone does. But your husband does, so please see this as a need of his, even though he believes everyone has the same need and is wrong...it is still his personal need.

Have you read The Five Love Languages?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My husband needs daily physical affection (hugs, kisses, sexual play). Thankfully this is a mutual need for both of us so it is no problem giving or receiving. I love it when he "demands" (playfully) my affection. Like if we are standing next to each other in line he will whisper in my ear "get your hands on me" and I will immediately leap to action and throw my arms around his neck. That's just one example of a fun little play game that shows you a man who needs affection.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Jeppers. Quit arguing and do it. Nagging and arguing about someone else opinion isnt affection thats for sure. 

You are making an issue out of something that you shouldnt. Hug him and kiss him for crying out loud. The good news is you can skip the other stuff that you are ignoring doesnt blow his hair back.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Everyones different. for me simply hugs and kisses won't do it. It has to feel genuine. For it to feel genuine to me I have to hear it in the tone of her voice. If she talks to me a what I consider a sweet tone. She has me. I'm a sucker for cooing and such.


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## itsher (Mar 30, 2013)

@ Faithful Wife.

I have not. Who is the author of the book?


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## itsher (Mar 30, 2013)

@yupitsme

I am far from a nagger. I am being nagged about not hugging and mushy 24 hours a day. Then when, I adhere, I'm only doing it because he wants me to. Well of course, I'm only doing it because he wants me to. The what he needs....not me. So it becomes a "no win" situation. But uhhhmmm thanks for your "helpful" feedback.


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## IKZQ (Mar 31, 2013)

This is my 1st post ever here. Not once in my 32 yr marriage has my wife ever voluntarily showed the least bit of evident "affection", that is, on her own accord. Now that we are older, our time together is comprised of one insult and attack from her after another. I still wonder what she hopes to gain from this. I have never criticized her and refuse to be drawn into arguing over nothing. Obviously, there is a lot more to tell here, but how can a woman want to go on living like that, decade after decade?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

itsher said:


> @yupitsme
> 
> I am far from a nagger. I am being nagged about not hugging and mushy 24 hours a day. Then when, I adhere, I'm only doing it because he wants me to. Well of course, I'm only doing it because he wants me to. The what he needs....not me. So it becomes a "no win" situation. But uhhhmmm thanks for your "helpful" feedback.


What he meant, and what I am taking a bit away from this, is that you are defensive and minimizing.

He 'nags', it's 'mushy stuff', it's 'his opinion', you don't need '*constant* hovering and fawning over'.

Now, if it was a very abusive relationship, I get where you are skittish. So yes, it will take you time to get in touch with what he needs. But just because you don't 'feel it' doesn't mean he doesn't...and it does NOT make his needs illegitimate. 'Everyone' does not feel his way...but 'everyone' does not feel YOURS either.

You have been given an significantly important data point in the relationship. Now, you can use it or you can decide that it isn't worth the effort.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

itsher, you really really need to read "5 Love Languages". Available online or in any good retail bookstore.

Your husband is telling you precisely what reaches his heart. For him it is touch.

I do disagree with "5LL" in lumping sex in with touch. Sex hits all of the love languages, and it is also it's own love language. It should really be "6 Love Languages".


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

itsher said:


> @yupitsme
> I am far from a nagger. I am being nagged about not hugging and mushy 24 hours a day. Then when, I adhere, I'm only doing it because he wants me to. Well of course, I'm only doing it because he wants me to. The what he needs....not me. So it becomes a "no win" situation. But uhhhmmm thanks for your "helpful" feedback.


Keep doing it anyway, and take note of how pleased he is by it. Do it for long enough "for him" and you may come to like it, or at least do it more "naturally" just because it is a habit. 

I'm similar in that I can completely separate "intimacy" and "sex". Although in my case, I prefer her to either respond in some way to my initiation of touch, or complain about me not touching (this goes for sexual and nonsexual things)


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Physical affection, touching, holding hands, hugs, a pat or squeeze here and there. These are things that show my wife appreciates me in "my terms". Words of affection/appreciation are also important to me, but physical touch is my #1 love language by far.

There are many times when the Princess (as I am walking out the door for work) will hold me up against a wall, and firmly run both of her hands down to the stallion while kissing me deeply on the lips....for 10 to 15 seconds...just a "spontaneous wake up greeting" she calls it.  

I walk away hot and bothered and hard...watching her smile at me! To me, it is a huge physical gesture. Spontaneous actions like this mean the world to me.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

itsher said:


> Just want to make it clear that the sex is great, hubby and I both agree there is no problem there. I cook, clean and look after him EXTREMELY well. I'm being told I'm not affectionate because I don't do the hugging and kissing and rubbing in between. This confuses me because I show affection in so many other ways. *Have had this same conversation with my wife. She has told me that she is showing me affection by cooking, cleaning, making sure I have clean clothing for work etc. I have told her that while I appreciate all these things, they do not equal love or affection to me except on a level that shows she loves me much in the same way a mother does for a child. If I wanted that kind of love, I'd move back in with my mother!* My husband says that affection is hugging, kisses, that type of thing. My argument is that's his opinion and not factual because everybody expresses affection differently. It's starting to cause a huge issue.


*You're correct saying that everbody expresses affection differently. It's also true that peope want affection expressed to them in terms thay want. Your husband wants physical touch. Unforytunately, you're not expressing it in the way he wants. *


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