# Have problems...need help!



## Peanuts (Apr 30, 2012)

Hi -
I've been "lurking" for months, trying to find some answers to my problems. I'm going to try to make this as short as possible. I've been married 26 years, 2 adults kids - on the outside people looking in would think that all is just peachy in our marriage..but those who really look can see. About 5 years ago my H started shutting down (more than usual), getting moodier and moodier, seemed like anything I did was wrong - and he told me so too. He started growing MJ - also selling it. He's a habitual smoker (has smoked for YEARS)- meaning he will get up and start smoking and will continue throughout the day..until bedtime. We are self employed - business got bad - I asked him to get another job that had benefits, retirement..etc. (I knew a company that would hire him - but he had to quit smoking pot) - he told me no. He likes being able to do whatever he wants to do...well, now he's decided that he's going to change his attitude...and expects me to change mine. 

To tell you about me..I've put a wall up and I'm not sure how to tear it down...or even if I want to now. During that time, sex was very very very vanilla...mostly for him...now he wants to change it..and my thoughts are I don't even want to have sex with him...

For as long as I've known him he didn't like small talk or gossip. When I was a stay at home mom I just talked to him about the kids, their activities, business..etc. Well, now that we're having problems I've found that I can't talk to him. I've deducted that this is because we never really talked about feelings etc. I've found that by having small talk that usually leads to deeper conversations...and we never had that.

Just so you all know, I'm not a pot smoker nor do I agree with it...I've gotten where I HATE the smell ....he knows how I feel but smoking it but still does it...even makes comments about how he knows I don't like it...has told me that I wouldn't like a certain person cause they smoke pot. I'm not against it to that point - I just feel that there is a time and place for it...not daily! 

There's so much more but I think I'm just going to start with this...thanks for all your help.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

He obviously has become reliant on pot and will only stop if he wants to. Living with him this long and his habit ... he may just never break it. I'm guessing his morning to night time smoking doesn't make him an energetic person. And him growing and selling. Did the business go bad and he's just decided to stay home everyday and smoke and be a dealer instead? Because essentially, that's all he's doing.

You sound very unhappy. I know exactly what it's like (in my past) to live with a heavy pot smoker. They will quit when they want to. If they want to. You just have to decide if you want to live the rest of your life like this anymore or not. Don't expect him to change. Think about what you want.


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## Peanuts (Apr 30, 2012)

Thank you so much for replying. From what I've read here that is what I gathered - that he won't stop unless he wants to. I am very unhappy. Any comments of pot smoking that I make he doesn't want to talk about...he'll use all the good that he does. And he has been trying to be a good husband...I think I've changed - in the past year I've gotten a Great job where I'm very happy and appreciated...I think I've grown up lots in the past year. I'm trying to stick up for myself when he makes mean comments, tho he will say that he's "just joking" but I know that he means the things that he's saying. 

He has been working more in the last 3-4 months..but he still smokes daily - I know on the weekends he does a "one hit" by the 1st hour that he's awake. I also know he uses the excuse that "his stomach is upset" as the reason why he smokes during the weekday mornings. 

He would never understand why I would say that I'm leaving cause he won't stop smoking. I truley am sick of it. If we're gonna go out with people that don't smoke then he gives me grief...like how long are we gonna stay, what are we gonna do....but if he knows that they smoke then it's all ok.

All help is appreciated. Did you stay in your situation Gratitude?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> He would never understand why I would say that I'm leaving cause he won't stop smoking. I truley am sick of it.


A very good friend of mine divorced her husband over this. They were married almost 15 years. He wouldn't stop. Didn't want to, thought she was overreacting about his drug habit.

For some reason, pot smokers don't put themselves in the same catagory as other addicts. They don't see themselves like that.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

My situation was complicated so I won't really go into it here. But no, I didn't put up with it. Heavy, daily smokers like your husband - no, he won't stop. Unless he wants to and I doubt he sees it as very much of a problem anyway. Forget all the comments of "It's just pot" from anyone - they don't know what it's like to live with one reliant on it everyday. 

Seriously, if you can't take it any longer, don't. There comes a point where you get over it. The moodiness, sometimes aggressivenes. The sheer need to get through a day with it. The excuses. You married him like it, you can't expect him to change this many years down the track. It would be great, but don't expect it. If you want more from life, go get it.

Maybe he needs a wake up call anyway. Would he prefer his daily smoke or seeing his wife everyday? If he quits, give him some space for awhile. Like cigarettes he's used it as a coping mechanism for so long. He'll probably won't be fun to be around so I wouldn't for a bit. That's if anyway. I'm sorry you're here like this


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if he's growing pot in the home you are at risk for jail time


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> A very good friend of mine divorced her husband over this. They were married almost 15 years. He wouldn't stop. Didn't want to, thought she was overreacting about his drug habit.
> 
> For some reason, pot smokers don't put themselves in the same catagory as other addicts. They don't see themselves like that.


Because it's "just pot". Everyone says so. It's harmless.

Society lets them think that. I've had many arguments on here already about it.

Until people have lived with or been a heavy user, you don't know what it's like. There's a difference between a few drinks on a Sunday and an alcoholic. It's the same with pot.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> if he's growing pot in the home you are at risk for jail time


I bet turning him in would shake him right up.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Gratitude said:


> Because it's "just pot". Everyone says so. It's harmless.
> 
> Society lets them think that. I've had many arguments on here already about it.
> 
> Until people have lived with or been a heavy user, you don't know what it's like. There's a difference between a few drinks on a Sunday and an alcoholic. It's the same with pot.


My friends marriage was pretty crappy for 2/3's of it because of his usage. She got to the point where she just couldn't stand to be around him. He wasn't ever sober, stopped working regularly, let bills and insurance lapse. It was a nightmare. She went to counseling twice during the marriage and both of them told her she needed to leave. It was an unsolvable problem since he didn't see a problem or reason to change.

I totally supported her through it. I couldn't believe how ambivalent he was to everything and she gave him chance after chance to make small changes. He let her go.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'd be nervous about someone finding out about his "crop" and his sale of it. Pot smoking is illegal, but he's also into the production and distribution side. MAJOR illegal. You know about this. If the police ever found out about this, you could be involved. 

You can't make an addict quit unless they want to quit. But I'd feel pretty uncomfortable knowing pot was being grown and sold by my spouse.

Has anyone ever threatened to blab?


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Don't go into the details over the growing here.

Just think about what it is you want to do now?


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## Peanuts (Apr 30, 2012)

You know A Bit Much, I have thought about turning him in! I also don't want to go to jail for something I don't do! I'm to the point that even if he does/did stop, do I really want him now anyways? I think I've completely shut down. Right now, I'm just acting/trying to get along..but I can feel the resentment building inside of me. Like I'm just going to explode. I can still smell the pot...I hate it when he kisses me and he smells! YECK! BUT - now I'm thinking, am I just picking on this cause I'm not happy or is this really a problem???????? I'm just soooo confused....


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I'd say it's a problem. Because it's a domino effect.

You'd be surprised at how different he would be after this long of smoking daily if he quit. I've seen it. Not saying that it might be the case for your husband. But it would be nice to find out.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Peanuts said:


> You know A Bit Much, I have thought about turning him in! I also don't want to go to jail for something I don't do! I'm to the point that even if he does/did stop, do I really want him now anyways? I think I've completely shut down. Right now, I'm just acting/trying to get along..but I can feel the resentment building inside of me. Like I'm just going to explode. I can still smell the pot...I hate it when he kisses me and he smells! YECK! BUT - now I'm thinking, am I just picking on this cause I'm not happy or is this really a problem???????? I'm just soooo confused....


You wouldn't go to jail, but he certainly would. Honestly if you are in the house with it going on and you're aware of it, you'd be considered an accomplice. I wouldn't be comfortable with that AT ALL. He's putting you and your safety at risk.

It really is a problem. It's not to be trivialized or downplayed... this is very serious.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Peanuts said:


> am I just picking on this cause I'm not happy or is this really a problem???????? I'm just soooo confused....


Your husband is addicted to pot.

You can't stand the constant smoking, or his side-job of growing and selling.

You are not happy.

You have a job that would allow you to support yourself.

I hope you are feeling a little less confused.

Being married to an addict boils down to this: the addiction comes first; ahead of you. If you're lucky, you come in a distant second.

You deserve better than this.


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## Peanuts (Apr 30, 2012)

HOw do I do it tho? Just say I"m leaving until you quit growing and smoking???


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Peanuts said:


> HOw do I do it tho? Just say I"m leaving until you quit growing and smoking???


I wouldn't say anything, as I think you've made it clear to him that this lifestyle is unacceptable to you. This isn't news.

Give yourself a timeline... say a month. Get some things in order and leave. Leave a note if you must, but he shouldn't be surprised that you're fed up.

If you call the authorities right now...this problem could solve itself.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Just my opinion but I wouldn't call the authorities on him ... just deal with the marriage issues. Tell him you can't live like this anymore, he needs to stop smoking or you're out. 2 weeks. One month. Whatever you decide. See what he chooses. And follow through. 

Easier said than done I know.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> now I'm thinking, am I just picking on this cause I'm not happy or is this really a problem?


Nobody can really answer this but you. If you do some soul-searching, you'll figure it out.

My guess would be that, whether consciously or not, you have realized that you NOW have a way out of this decades-long situation that you never had before.

You were a mom with kids to raise. Now they are grown.

You were a SAHM dependent on your husband's income because you didn't work outside the home. Now you have your own income and have seen for the past year that you can work successfully and support yourself.

*If you are done with the pot-smoking ruling your lives*: he is unmotivated to work, he is dismissive of your feelings on the matter (knows you hate it, smokes it/grows it anyway), it interferes with your socializing with other people (thus holding you hostage to his company and his pot-smoking friends), your freedom/house/everything you've worked decades for is at risk because of his illegal operation, *then you are ready to move on.*

I would issue no warnings, no demands, no ultimatums. He's known for YEARS how you feel about this and it doesn't matter to him. (Not that his thinking is probably all that clear.)

First, sever financial ties with him. Open your own bank accounts, get your name off any joint accounts with him. Deposit your checks in YOUR account.

Second, get an attorney. Have him/her advise you on whether you can kick him out of the house and have the locks changed. Also inquire as to possible repercussions on YOU if you call the police on him (this would be the OTHER means by which to get him out of the house.)

Third, start making a budget so you will feel comfortable that you can support yourself. This will help you feel more positive about the eventual outcome. 

Good luck, and take at least ONE STEP this week. Whether it is making an appointment with an attorney, OR opening a new bank account OR working on a budget. Just do SOMETHING to get started....one step at a time!


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## Peanuts (Apr 30, 2012)

WOW! THANK YOU! I think my self worth is sooo low...I never felt that there were answers....or that I was wrong. I have felt that I just have to put up with this...cause that's what he and his friends do.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If you continue to tolerate mistreatment, the only one to blame for the pain you feel is you.


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## Peanuts (Apr 30, 2012)

I would rather leave...not that I really have anywhere to go but all that "stuff" is there. Wouldn't I still be at risk legally with it there? or else he'd be there all the time cause he has to "water". Also, the business that we have is there and he'd use the excuse that he has to get paperwork or the phone messages. See, I really have thought about this. He thinks the money is good cause it helped pay bills when business was bad - now he wants to use it go on a vacation. That's what he was telling me yesterday. I like the idea of doing one step this week. I think I"m going to do that. The problem is that my check pays for at least 1/2 to 3/4 of the bills now..he "doles" out the balance as I "ask" for it! How do I hide the fact that I need more money and that my money is going into another account?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Peanuts said:


> I would rather leave...not that I really have anywhere to go but all that "stuff" is there. Wouldn't I still be at risk legally with it there? or else he'd be there all the time cause he has to "water". Also, the business that we have is there and he'd use the excuse that he has to get paperwork or the phone messages. See, I really have thought about this. He thinks the money is good cause it helped pay bills when business was bad - now he wants to use it go on a vacation. That's what he was telling me yesterday. I like the idea of doing one step this week. I think I"m going to do that. The problem is that my check pays for at least 1/2 to 3/4 of the bills now..he "doles" out the balance as I "ask" for it! How do I hide the fact that I need more money and that my money is going into another account?


He's a drug dealer. Is that really okay with you? 

If it's not okay, there's no need to explain anything to him. Stop contributing to the household. Just stop. What's he going to do about it?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If you have to go get a hotel room, do it. I wouldn't want to be there another minute. What he's doing is illegal. Period. If he gets busted, you're going down with him if you stay there. And he could get busted ANY TIME. For all you know, he's being watched/investigated right now.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Peanuts said:


> he wants to use it go on a vacation. That's what he was telling me yesterday.


Tell him, for the time being, his "vacation" can be sitting at home on the couch smoking. 



Peanuts said:


> The problem is that my check pays for at least 1/2 to 3/4 of the bills now..he "doles" out the balance as I "ask" for it! How do I hide the fact that I need more money and that my money is going into another account?


You are earning the money, but he is the one doling it out to you? Okay, let's get down to the nit-and-grit here: you are codependent. Yeah, I know, I know ... I sing this "song" a lot. But I was RABIDLY codependent for years. I was in a somewhat similar situation to your's. My now-deceased husband, who rarely held a job, decided what was his was his, and what was mine was his ... including my paycheck.

As a rule, we only get used and abused when we allow it. You have lost all your self-esteem (and probably are afraid of your husband) because you have allowed him to walk all over you for years.

Been there, done that.

Find out if there is a CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) support group in your area. Also, Al-Anon would help. I understand you aren't living with an alcoholic, but I met folks in Al-Anon who were with other "flavors" of addicts - sex addicts, gambling addicts, you name it. Get a copy of Melodie Beattie's _Codependent No More_. It is considered "the bible" for us codies.

You are going to need to get p.o.'d enough to just get the heck outta that house. I left my ex-now-deceased husband at 10 p.m. on a Sunday. First, I had to fight my way to my car, after he threw me to the ground, then I had to fight him off the driver's door of my car. I threw the car in reverse, floored it, and got him loose. Three days later, I was in court getting a restraining order.

I went back into that house a week later, with three very large gentlemen, and packed up my belongings. I never went back.

Yeah, I was scared to death. But Mr. Big Shot folded like a house of cards when I stood up to him and said, "F*** this, I don't need you in my life." And this was a big guy who was blocking the front door. 

I think this mouse finally roared - in spite of the fear - and it took him by surprise.

I hope you don't have to make a wild escape like that, but you need to get to the point that you don't give a hoot what happens after the fact. WHEN THE PAIN OF STAYING EXCEEDS THE PAIN OF LEAVING, YOU *WILL* LEAVE.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> all that "stuff" is there





> or else he'd be there all the time cause he has to "water".


 Once he is out, you call the cops and have them haul it away OR once he is out, you double-bag it all and call the cops and ask them how to dispose of it. DO NOT BURN THE PLANTS, it's very dangerous.


> Also, the business that we have is there and he'd use the excuse that he has to get paperwork or the phone messages.


 Once he is out by court order, he will HAVE to MOVE HIS BUSINESS to another location (I assume that's his former 'legitimate' business.) 

* Tell (don't ask) him to fill out a 'Change of Address Form' at the Post Office OR you will be throwing out ALL MAIL not addressed to YOU after (insert date here.) 

* Tell (don't ask) him he has X number of days to have his phone calls transferred to a new number OR have the phone number for the business routed to his new physical address via the phone company. OTHERWISE, YOU will be calling the phone company to have THAT phone line disconnected as YOU now live at that address, it is not your business, and YOU will NOT pay for the phone bill.



> my check pays for at least 1/2 to 3/4 of the bills now..he "doles" out the balance as I "ask" for it!


 YOUR company (by law) CANNOT give your paycheck to your husband. Therefore, you are either (a) receiving your paycheck in your hand on payday and depositing it in a bank account. If so, DEPOSIT it in YOUR account (the new one without his name on it.) (b) having your check direct-deposited to your bank account (take a blank deposit slip from Your NEW bank account to your company's Human Resources Dept. and have them start depositing them from now on in YOUR account). See! Hubby NO LONGER controls YOUR income. Now he is NO LONGER in a position to 'dole out' YOUR earnings to pay for HIS bills. 

Decide how much of the bills YOU'RE willing to pay. Pay them from YOUR account. Do NOT give hubby your money for bills or for any other reason. Start taking responsibility to pay bills ON YOUR OWN. Is the mortgage in his name only? In both your names? Are the utilities in his name? Your name? Both names? *If you are thinking of moving out* (instead of kicking him out) then take your name off of the utilities and leave them in HIS name only. He will then be legally responsible for them.


> How do I hide the fact that I need more money and that my money is going into another account?


 You can't hide it! Woman-up and tell him flat-out "I am willing to pay MY half of the bills and that's it. You're going to have to start paying YOUR half of the bills as that is only fair." If he doesn't like it, tough cr*p! If he tries to talk about ALL the years HIS MONEY paid the bills, remind him that YOU raised your children and THAT was YOUR contribution. Taking care of his children and your home (laundry, cooking, cleaning, bill-paying, errand-running, grocery shopping) enabled HIM to concentrate on the business and THAT is how you were partnered for years. It is NOT as though he got NOTHING out of that deal! Don't let him bullsh*t you!

If you really can't woman-up (you should SERIOUSLY woman-up, though)...your car could always develop 'trouble' that requires extra money, the vacation (waste of money) has to be 'delayed' (indefinitely, but HE doesn't have to know that) because of something that came up at work, etc.

Start taking control of YOUR life and you'll start to feel better.


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## Peanuts (Apr 30, 2012)

Thank you all for your great comments! I know that you are right...now I have to "woman-up". I thought lots and lots last night and am trying to get my game plan together. I like the idea of getting my own bank account and will implement that ASAP. I also do the payroll for my company so changing the account will NOT be a problem. I have to find someplace to go...even if its a hotel and get my stuff out. My indecision is if I write a note and leave or confront and tell him why I'm leaving. I'm thinking confronting so there's no confusion...I'm just afraid I'm not strong enough. I know I need to start taking control of MY LIFE! I think my biggest problem ever is I hate disappointing or hurting people. I'm not afraid that he will hurt me physically. I'm just praying I have the strength.

Thank you again everybody...you have truley helped me more than you can imagine.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> My indecision is if I write a note and leave or confront and tell him why I'm leaving.


IMO this is a waste of time and energy. An exercise in futility.

Do you really feel that he 1) needs an explanation, and 2) DESERVES one? Why?

Do you really believe that after you confront him, he will have some sort of light bulb moment? I'll tell you what will happen... he'll ignore you, like he has been all this time, or he'll beg and plead and turn on the waterworks in an effort to keep you there in this misery with him.

Why do that to yourself?


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