# Am I being unreasonable?



## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

Can someone please give me some assistance with this scenario? Am I being unreasonable here?

Ok, my husband and I have been seeing each other again for about a week. Things have been smooth and he has been around during all his free time this past week.

Starting yesterday, we have a discussion about my one day off which is today. He says that he is going to take an extended lunch break to spend time with me on my day off. This is my only day off this week.

I work from 8-3pm most days (with only one, 10 minute break), and I have two children (12 and 7), and those of you who have children know how much work is involved in caring for them. This past week, I let the household responsibilities pile up so that I would have enough time in the evenings to spend with him. I have a pile of laundry the size of Mount Everest, I’m sick as a dog and need to go to the doctor, the dishes have piled up, I need to go to the store because we are out of everything, and he wanted to go get our passports today for a trip to Jamaica that he is still promising we are going to take on our anniversary (I’ll believe it when I see it).I also have lost my glasses, and need to get a new pair ASAP.

So we are discussing yesterday, what we were going to take care of today, and he wants to get the passports and spend some “quality” time without the kids during the day. So in my mind I work that into my schedule for today to appease him. Also, it’s automatic for me to consider what’s best for our family when I make decisions on how to work things. 

Then, this morning, he says to me, “I’m going to have lunch today with my two friends at the Ale House”. Needless to say, I’m in shock, because he was supposed to spend his “extended” 3 hour lunch break with me and help out. My husband works from 8-5pm and typically gets 2 hour lunch breaks in the middle of day. 

Even though I’m used to things like this from him on a frequent basis (him dropping the ball that is), I still find myself saying, how could you plan to do this on my one day off? Why can’t you guys reschedule for tomorrow when I’m working (I work weekends, and he doesn’t)? I could really use your help today…etc…

He then flips things around on me saying, “What all do you have to do today that you won’t have time, after I’m done eating, to go get the passports”? I’m like, “hello??” I already gave him a laundry list “verbally” of things that I needed to get done today during yesterday’s conversation…not to mention he’s so disconnected from what the responsibilities are that he doesn’t see them for himself. He then keeps referring to making the trip to the post office (having time to do that), which is the one thing that is important for us to do today “to him”. My husband is basically planning on spending two hours with his friends, drinking and eating, because he can drink and get away with it on his job, then taking me to the post office. Quite frankly, I don’t have time to go to the post office today, but was going to work it in for him.

How can he be so inconsiderate? This type stuff happens so frequently. It’s like he doesn’t see himself as part of a family. He makes decisions all the time without talking to me. I mean, when did it become all MY responsibility to take care of the things I take care of? It is suppose to be ‘both’ of our responsibility, yet he sees himself as separate from us (even though he denies it)

He says that I’m being ridiculous and I just want my way. I see it as he is being very inconsiderate and wanting his way. I mean why can’t he just reschedule his lunch date with friends to a day that is convenient for everyone? Is that too much to ask? Why did this even have to turn into an argument? I know if the tables were turned, I wouldn’t even have considered making plans with friends under the same circumstances, especially after I made a commitment to him. The sad thing is, because he didn’t say yesterday, “ok, that is definitely what I will do tomorrow” and instead said, “well maybe I can take an extended lunch break and we can spend some time together and go to the post office” that he didn’t commit to anything.


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## Peachyqqq (Sep 17, 2010)

Hi, I just posted below you, "I am considering leaving". So, from me I may not have the best advice, but what i can say is this: I am learning ( very very slowly and stubbornly ) to believe in the feelings I have inside - whether they are good feelings or bad feelings. They are real. I want to be with a person who is a partner, my best friend, someone who MOST IMPORTANTLY respects me and I respect in return. It's not about, nor should be about "Getting your own way". its about respect. I am in one of those relationships that clearly doesn't have that, and I want it. It's not unreasonable to break plans with you UNLESS, he doesn't have a choice or you don't have a choice ( work and kids, illness ). In my next relationship ( If I dare have one ) - I don't ever want to question respect again - because I won't let it happen to me again.

I'm not sure if that answers your question - but you inspired me to have a moment of strength - girl power that is - cheers!


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

I wanted to add:

I work so hard I feel like…I get up at 5 am every weekday morning to get the kids ready for school and pack their lunches while he sleeps until 6:30 or 7:00 am, I take them to school then go to work and only have a 10 minute break, kids are home at 4:30pm and I do everything there is to do with that (baths, homework, quality time, cook dinner, etc..). They are in bed by 8 pm and I’m in bed by 9 or 10 (I stay up with him sometimes, but I’m usually so exhausted that I can’t). I work weekends, and he has weekends off. Like I said above he works from 8am to 5pm mon-fri (with 2 hour lunches in between).

I’m not trying to keep score here, but jeez! It’s like all his free time he wants to play. I mean he will take out the trash once a week, sweep the floor once a week, or run to the store for me, but he mostly lies around or wants to go off and play with his friends or do something fun. Everyone needs a little fun, but most grownups know that responsibilities must be taken care of first, right?

It’s one of the main reasons I left him in the first place, and he says making the marriage work is important to him. I bet his two friends, that I don’t even know very well, wouldn’t drop the ball on their wives like this.


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

@Peachy.....yup...respect is huge....I have none for him anymore, and he has little for me (which I don't understand seeing as how I've accomplished so much and taken on so much of "our' responsibilities). Sometimes I think he just says that to me, to make himself feel better about what he does...it's ridiculous, that I've tolerated it this long and even more so that I left and tried to reconcile afterwards. This problem between us is much bigger than me...The one thing I "do" know is that it's HIS loss...not mine....


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

Oh, and something like this every great while would be ok...but he does this ALL THE TIME to us....I'm just sick of it, and I never get to spend time with my friends. I'm either working all the time, and when we are free w/o kids he wants to spend that time with me. He doesn't really help at all with the kids....It's a sad situation...am I am burnt out


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