# Tip for the recently betrayed- see your doctor



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

This past weekend I got stricken with a virus that gave me a fever and some stomach issues. (I'm not 100% now but well enough to work) It made me think of the last time I got sick like that-just shortly after my dday.
Being as that I'm a reflective person I wanted to stress the importance of seeing your physician as being one of the things to do when you have recently discovered infidelity.


I recently posted this in another thread-



Almostrecovered said:


> be prepared for the following in the next few weeks-
> 
> major depression/crying bouts/breakdowns that come from little triggers
> rapid weight loss/loss of appetite (some may overeat and gain weight)
> ...


Then of course, you should also be seeing your doctor for STD testing. Even if you think it was merely an EA. (we get trickle truth often and PA's are more likely than you think. Also, sometimes EA's may be one of many affairs you don't know about) If you are trying to R then I also suggest you get your wayward spouse to test as well, in fact make it a condition of the R.

Remember folks, these are physicians bound by the Hippocratic Oath and can't tell others without your permission. They have seen much worse than your "embarrassing" STD test and probably have done them much more often than you think.

My message is clear, I know you are reeling from the news of infidelity but as hard as it is to remember, you must take care of yourself in order to fight, whether that is for R or D.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

> major depression/crying bouts/breakdowns that come from little triggers
> *Definitely went through this*
> 
> rapid weight loss/loss of appetite
> ...


This thread should be a sticky.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I had almost everything on the list except for suicidal thoughts. I was also light on the fantasizing about violent events happening to my H. I think it was because of the kids, the thought alone of them not having their Dad is painful. But those first few days, wow . . couldn't even stop random violent thoughts from popping into my head. Even when you know the reality of it would be more painful, they'd flash in your head regardless. No violent acts committed by me, but by either the OWH or accidents. Scary stuff, glad those were early on and short lived.

Don't know why I never had violent thoughs about the OW. I think I relished the thought more of her aging and having the Karma bus strike her down someday. She's 15 plus years younger than me and insecure. I know I've aged pretty well and the spiteful me wants her to age poorly as punishment. A much better fantasy than a violent end.  

The other thing I didn't have was lack of sleep. Actually, I had the opposite problem. I slept all the freakin' time. It's like my body was shutting down and couldn't function enough to stay awake. Guess it's better than lack of sleep, but I felt groggy constantly. Would've been extremely hard to function if I was working at the time. I'd be awake for an hour, then go right back to sleep for a few more. To this day, if I'm having a bad day or a trigger . . . I sleep. It's my body's way of healing I guess.

It's actually hard to read the list and know I lived most of it, but it also shows how strong I am. If you told me a year ago I could survive weeks or months of suffering the items on that list, I would've thought no way. I'm now only a few months from the 1-year d-day mark and only have the random triggers now. Everything else is back to normal physically.

For those going through it now, you can survive it. If we can ride the tsunami of emotions and physical reactions, than so can you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Saffron said:


> The other thing I didn't have was lack of sleep. Actually, I had the opposite problem.


that's a good point and i will edit my post, some symptoms can be opposites, (Also some will gain weight from overeating if they eat to feel better)


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## stuckinlimbo (Oct 20, 2011)

Anyone have experience with anti-anxiety? I can't seem to control my thoughts and end up vibrating all the time. Sometimes it gives me a headache when it's worse.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

stuckinlimbo said:


> Anyone have experience with anti-anxiety? I can't seem to control my thoughts and end up vibrating all the time. Sometimes it gives me a headache when it's worse.



I do actually, when my bipolar disorder manifested itself I also experienced high anxiety and even thought I was going to die of a heart attack at age 22 one time.

Took me about 2 years with meds and therapy to overcome it. It resurfaced a touch after dday but I had the tools to realize it and work through it quickly.

Have you seen a doctor or taking meds?


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## stuckinlimbo (Oct 20, 2011)

I have anti-depressants and blood pressure pills(blood pressure was from before my WS's affair).


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

stuckinlimbo said:


> I have anti-depressants and blood pressure pills(blood pressure was from before my WS's affair).


well talk to him about it

anti-depressants can help anxiety but anti-anxiety pills are more effective- busbar, ativan, valium, xanax, etc

for me the key was learning that my panic attacks were merely just panic and having the realization that I'd be fine if I just waited them out. I know that is oversimplifying it. But in many ways you have retrain your thinking.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yep, went through all of those, fortunately I also went for sinus surgery and so used the horrible recovery as a chance to get all of my self pity out of my system. I actually found I have only had one cold since my surgery to remove inflamed sinus, so can't say my immune system took a hit, I was actually sleeping better, so strike loss of sleep from the list too. But the depression has been tough, glad I got IC right away (was supposed to be MC but things just fell apart so quick that we never did MC) - feeling good today though, got a date later this week!


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## RadicallyAccepting (Oct 19, 2011)

I had it all including the suicidal thoughts.

First, a Psychiatrist to get me on anti-anxieties right away and anti-depressants for long term.

Then a therapist to start working through my issues that created the problems in the marriage that created the environment in which she cheated. And, of course, to understand that the cheating was her choice, and I'm not responsible for it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I followed the proscribed amount and wasn't knocked on my can, but understandably everyone is different and it's why you talk to your doctor about it and adjust dosages or try other meds.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Resist the urge to self medicate with alcohol. That's my fail.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Resist the urge to self medicate with alcohol. That's my fail.


:iagree:


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Anti Anxiety tablets and a caring Doctor were what saved me. 
I had severe out of control shaking and was unable to sleep. The two were in a feedback loop.
The anxiety was disabling me. I had kids to look after.

If you have been recently betrayed. See your Doctor even if it is just for a health check!


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## sound1 (Dec 3, 2009)

I did I took fmla for a month, high stress job an I was playing hell with concentration. Life was a surreal mess for a long time days were long, at the same I lost track of time hours went by feeling like minutes. I hit every thing on the list, shook me to my core got thru 9 months an the full spectrum of hopeing, copeing, then admittance of terms and change just in time to get a phone call on a random morning an to have a world of hell come back full swing in a way I never thought possible .....ever. The next four months were nightmares, confusing an then another walk out this time under the same factor with more misery involved. I had to let go all over again, this time to both my kids an the S.O. again. I was alone in more ways than I had ever been on comes the list..again. Now reconciled, were 3 years in things are still damn hard at times, ups an downs. I don't know......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I followed the proscribed amount and wasn't knocked on my can, but understandably everyone is different and it's why you talk to your doctor about it and adjust dosages or try other meds.


Yeah, Everyone is different. I've seen people who are so effected by Ativan that they need their vital signs taken every 15 min's after only .5 mgs.Then there are those who are only mildly effected by 2mgs. One mg shuts me completely down. I'd make a very bad drug addict, but at least the habit would be cheap.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Anyone read about PISD? I love that acronym. Post Infidelity Stress Disorder. I had/have it.

I was doing fairly well (Dday was ov er a year and a half ago) till I quit smoking a couple months ago. Holy he!! it's hard - talk about anxiety! I wish I'd quit before I found out. I don't know if it would have been easier or not. I probably would have started again if I had.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Anyone read about PISD? I love that acronym. Post Infidelity Stress Disorder. I had/have it.
> 
> I was doing fairly well (Dday was ov er a year and a half ago) till I quit smoking a couple months ago. Holy he!! it's hard - talk about anxiety! I wish I'd quit before I found out. I don't know if it would have been easier or not. I probably would have started again if I had.


yup I restarted smoking on dday after being quit for 2 years, in a few weeks I'll be on attempt 3 to quit post dday


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## haveaheadache (Jun 21, 2011)

Yup all of the above.

i didn't realize the shaking part, but I just can't seem to stop and I am either HOT HOT or COLD COLD all the time. There is no comfortable temprature place for me right now. 

I love to excerise so I have been a lot more, maybe to much.

Violent thoughts....not to my H but to the OW! I would never do anything but just the thoughts that pop into my head. Sheesh how long before those stop?


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

First I want to say how much I appreciate your posting this because it is such a good idea and on so many levels. Just being able to talk to someone who is not going to gossip about it is huge.

major depression/crying bouts/breakdowns that come from little triggers
FOR SURE!

rapid weight loss/loss of appetite
Its one thing I don't mind.

lack of sleep/insomnia/nightmares
It was insomnia but for a while now I've just slept for hours more then usual. Some defense thing the mind / body do?!

possible bouts of nausea/diarrhea
Yep. Now I know what it means to say "You / This makes me sick"

waves of anxiety/panic attacks
I was diagnosed with Anxiety disorder and am trying a couple things (med wise) and some personal therapy. This stuff really screws up your day.

possible suicidal thoughts (if this happens immediately get medical help)
No thats not me but I'm on antidepressants and anti anxiety stuff so that may well be helping to control that.

lots of fantasizing of either violent events of your husband or OW or both or revenge tactics
Real anger (contained) but not planning and murders.

lack of ability to concentrate or focus (be very careful while driving, I almost got into a big accident the day after dday)
Totally!

forgetting appointments or events
I don't think I forget appointments or events.

physical shaking is possible as well
Heck yes!

immune system getting suppressed and picking up nasty cold or flu


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Ever since D day in March 2010 I have picked up several major colds. In fact I have had more sickness these past almost two years than the rest of my 38 years. 

10 months after the birth of our son and just about the time my ex h strange behaviour started I found out in a regular physical that I suffer from underactive thyroid. I mean the result was so bad the doctor said : i am surprised you are not in depression. I got that regulated in a more natural way but I still have a growth on my thryroid gland that doctors are trying to figure out if it is cancerous or not(I have had 3 biopsies in 6 months). 

In the meantime I had a skin cancer scare and a surgery few days before Dday. Then when I came back to Canada I wanted to get lasik done on my eyes. I was told I am not a candidate because I actually have a disease where my cornea loses its shape and now I have to have a surgery that will maybe help stop the progression of the disease(surgery is arm and a leg and not covered by insurance).

Next week I am taking two days off to do another round of doctors appointments.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

major depression/crying bouts/breakdowns that come from little triggers
*Yes, had that*
rapid weight loss/loss of appetite (some may overeat and gain weight)
*Yes. I went from 150 lbs down to 120 lbs in one month*
lack of sleep/insomnia/nightmares (some may sleep too much and lose lack of desire to do anything)
*surprisingly, I actually slept. Maybe I simply wore myself out from all the crying and not eating*
possible bouts of nausea/diarrhea 
*didn't eat so didn't get that*
waves of anxiety/panic attacks
*yes*
possible suicidal thoughts (if this happens immediately get medical help)
*occasionally but only a passing thought, never seriously considered it*
lots of fantasizing of either violent events of your husband or OW or both or revenge tactics
*No, I just wanted her to leave and for him to come back*
lack of ability to concentrate or focus (be very careful while driving, I almost got into a big accident the day after dday)
forgetting appointments or events
*The first go round he when he was gone from 03 to 05, yes. I could not focus on anything The second time he left, I made myself stay focused. I was in college and I refused to flunk out of school because of him. He was not going to take school away from me too*
physical shaking is possible as well
*that, and also on the ground in a fetal postion sobbing*
immune system getting suppressed and picking up nasty cold or flu
*I actually started smoking (yuck!) Thank God I've been quit over two years now but I can't believe I smoked cigarettes back then. I picked it up in 2003 when I found out about that affair then I quit in 2009. My ex is a smoker so I was always around it *


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

When I went in to see my family doctor post-D-Day and told him about the affair and that I needed to be tested for STD's, he said he wasn't surprised. She'd gone to him for a birth control prescription several months prior, and he knew I'd had a vascectomy years before.

It's funny now, but was a little uncomfortable then. He's a retired Navy doctor and is a little rough around the edges. 

After we finished in the exam room, he brought my paperwork up to the front desk. As he approached the desk, in a LOUD voice he said, "Mr. OOE needs to have a full STD workup and an AIDS test." 

EVERYONE in the waiting room turned to look at me.

I was mortified.

Sure was a relief to see the negative results, though.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

stupid HIPPA laws


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

major depression/crying bouts/breakdowns that come from little triggers
- Yep, I tried my hardest to not cry around DD so when I would shower I would just sit there in the tub and cry.

rapid weight loss/loss of appetite (some may overeat and gain weight)
- I lost 10 pds in a week, I barely ate anything.

lack of sleep/insomnia/nightmares (some may sleep too much and lose lack of desire to do anything)
- I slept the majority of the day. 

possible bouts of nausea/diarrhea 
- I had nausea I almost would have preferred the morning sickness I had when I was pregnant 

waves of anxiety/panic attacks
- I didn't have it too bad

possible suicidal thoughts (if this happens immediately get medical help)
- no suicidal thoughts

lots of fantasizing of either violent events of your husband or OW or both or revenge tactics
- Usually in my dreams they got very violent!

lack of ability to concentrate or focus (be very careful while driving, I almost got into a big accident the day after dday)
- well I was asleep most of the day but when I did drive I had to actually make an effort to concentrate.

forgetting appointments or events
- I didn't have any appointments to forget 

physical shaking is possible as well
- ^ This! Anytime we talk about the EA I start shaking and it's very noticeable. 

immune system getting suppressed and picking up nasty cold or flu
- didn't get sick with the flu but I did feel physically sick to my stomach at random times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> stupid HIPPA laws


It's more than HIPPA, it is general confidentiality laws. I agree with the laws, BTW.

My sis is a marriage counselor and she tells me how there are many couples who come in to her that put her in a similar position. In couples session they deny, but in individual session one of them will confess to an ongoing affair. The therapist is bound by confidentiality not to reveal the confession to the other spouse!

She advised me to be sure not to have the same primary care doc as my wife for that reason.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I was joking of course about the HIPPA


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

Wow this "doctor" really crossed a line that would make me fire him and get another doctor. He is never (ever) supposed to talk to anyone about anyone elses medical issues other then those doing the treatment. My wife had a doctor that we both went to and this guy talked across the table to her all the time. When I got a new doctor she thought she could switch to her and get the same outside information. My doctor told her that she can confirm or deny that I am a patient. Yeah! This talking loudly about your STD tests in the waiting room? That is really really REALLY poor. I would be worried that the rumor would spread from that to work church etc. And probably assume it was contracted while YOU were cheating. It sure makes trying any kind of R plan a lot more complicated. Get a new doctor!



OOE said:


> When I went in to see my family doctor post-D-Day and told him about the affair and that I needed to be tested for STD's, he said he wasn't surprised. She'd gone to him for a birth control prescription several months prior, and he knew I'd had a vascectomy years before.
> 
> It's funny now, but was a little uncomfortable then. He's a retired Navy doctor and is a little rough around the edges.
> 
> ...


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

major depression/crying bouts/breakdowns that come from little triggers
*HUGE hit here*
rapid weight loss/loss of appetite (some may overeat and gain weight)
*50 pounds month one*
lack of sleep/insomnia/nightmares (some may sleep too much and lose lack of desire to do anything)
*I was only getting 5 hours before the affair, four months later I'm getting on ave of 4 a night again*
possible bouts of nausea/diarrhea 
*Then and still do*
waves of anxiety/panic attacks
*One took me to the ER, still have even on meds*
possible suicidal thoughts (if this happens immediately get medical help)
*Took a revolver with 4 of the 6 chambers loaded put to my head and pulled the trigger, Guess you guessed that in my greef I had rotated the chamber one click less than what I needed*
lots of fantasizing of either violent events of your husband or OW or both or revenge tactics
*Wanted to beat the ever loving sh!t of of the OM*
lack of ability to concentrate or focus (be very careful while driving, I almost got into a big accident the day after dday)
*I still miss turns to places like work (7 years of driving there everday) Sitting at lights till people blow their horn at me, Problems at work and home remembering what I was doing*
forgetting appointments or events
*B-days of family and friends (yes)*
physical shaking is possible as well
*Still do, hope it ends some time soon.*
immune system getting suppressed and picking up nasty cold or flu
*The one thing that has not hit me.. have not been sick other than from mind movies once in four months (not bad for me)*


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

Wannabelee have you talked to your doctor? 50 lbs in a month? Whew.... I didn't know that was possible outside of a concentration camp. That can't be easy on the body to loose that much that fast.


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## SPRelationshipCounselling (May 23, 2012)

A Betrayal shakes your trust in the emotional bond you have with your partner. It's normal and human to have symptoms in response to the lack of safety and trust. Allow yourself to 'feel' the 'feelings' and get the anger out ( rather than turn it in on yourself ) and allow your body to process the emotion.
Anger sometimes covers the primary feelings of hurt and shame. Get support to express the primary feelings so they can pass. Avoid medicating yourself unless you really need to do so to function. Medication may prevent you releasing emotion.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

SPRelationshipCounselling said:


> Medication may prevent you releasing emotion.


???


Proper dosages of anti-depressants don't suppress emotions

if anything it allows you to think clearer as when you go through such trauma your brain chemistry actually changes and makes you see through a cloud of sorts. The medication does NOT make you happy, it merely gives you a better chance to make yourself happy as existing in a deep depression seriously inhibits your ability to see beyond the pain. 

this is not something most people can "feel or think" their way out of solely by itself. 

I'm bipolar and would you ever recommend that I don't use medication and just use therapy alone? I would hope not. The brain is an organ, just like your liver and your heart and your colon.


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

SPRelationshipCounselling said:


> A Betrayal shakes your trust in the emotional bond you have with your partner. It's normal and human to have symptoms in response to the lack of safety and trust. Allow yourself to 'feel' the 'feelings' and get the anger out ( rather than turn it in on yourself ) and allow your body to process the emotion.
> Anger sometimes covers the primary feelings of hurt and shame. Get support to express the primary feelings so they can pass. Avoid medicating yourself unless you really need to do so to function. Medication may prevent you releasing emotion.


Depression is not just being in a depressing situation. *Although I've been told that too many depressing things can cause depression. Meds don't shut off emotions or turn you into a veg. They change brain chemistry so its "normal" and let you function. A lot has happened in the last years that make depression, bipolar, adhd and anxiety problems "medical" In other words you can measure it / see it on an MRI type machine and see how the meds work (or don't) to allow the brain to function properly.

Letting it out (Primal scream?) is not the current thinking on how to treat depression.


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

I wish I had found this forum earlier. I might have done things alot differently. My D Day has been more of a D-Quarter. Gradually finding out more and more over three months.
So far lost 17 pounds in two months, on anti depressants, and that was before my discovery of the text messaging two days ago. Then the crying and the insomnia started. Then yesterday was the discovery of a secret Facebook account, and that he's been going to casinos with her. Now I can't focus on work, I'm shaking, and sick to my stomach. 
Oh, and I can't eat.
I gave him a week to make his decision (not having read the great newbie to infidelity post) and I have to make it through limbo for five more days. I can't bring myself to go back on my agreement; just because he's a lying idjit doesn't mean I have to sink to his level. 
How long does this last?? I assume it will get better at some point, but from all the other posts it sounds like it may be a long process before I can function again.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I decided, after I found out the full extent of what was going on, that I had to get healthier whether I was going to be married or not at the end of the day. I decided to go to the doctor before confronting my ws to get a jump on that. Wound up catching a cancer tumor in my bladder within a few weeks of testing.

I also lost about 25 lbs in the first week, and another 15 the next. Didn't really eat for about a week. Dropped down to 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night.

The best thing though was my thinking cleared right up. I knew exactly what to do to save my marriage (or at least give it the very best fighting chance before my anger kicked in months later). 
When I did finally start to get angry, it was really rough for a while. The anger would bleed over into other areas of life, road rage, being short tempered at work, etc. Thankfully I managed to hold it all together for long enough to get past that stage without doing anything drastically stupid, though I did get a couple speeding tickets.


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

Luonnotar said:


> I wish I had found this forum earlier. I might have done things alot differently. My D Day has been more of a D-Quarter. Gradually finding out more and more over three months.
> So far lost 17 pounds in two months, on anti depressants, and that was before my discovery of the text messaging two days ago. Then the crying and the insomnia started. Then yesterday was the discovery of a secret Facebook account, and that he's been going to casinos with her. Now I can't focus on work, I'm shaking, and sick to my stomach.
> Oh, and I can't eat.
> I gave him a week to make his decision (not having read the great newbie to infidelity post) and I have to make it through limbo for five more days. I can't bring myself to go back on my agreement; just because he's a lying idjit doesn't mean I have to sink to his level.
> How long does this last?? I assume it will get better at some point, but from all the other posts it sounds like it may be a long process before I can function again.


Hearing more details as time goes by seems to be pretty typical. The ones that spell it all out at once are (From what I've read) rare. I think a lot of us wish they would just tell it all so you can work from there. Its finding out that it was more then this then more then that, that "resets" you to D-Day #1 *Or so I think. 

Does it get better? Yes and it can start over and need to get better a number of times. Check out to see if there is a BAN group around. Its been really helpful to me to sit down with other spouses that have been cheated on. Its a relief to talk to people who have been there. Therapy (Both couples and personal) can be a good place to talk as well. By the way one nice thing about BAN is that you meet people who are better so you at least know its possible


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