# Candi



## CandiGirl

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## Diana7

CandiGirl said:


> Hi, I’ve come along to seek advice on how to cope with being married to a man who has impotence issues. We have been together for 15 years. In the last 5 years he’s had issues and they’ve got more complicated as time’s gone on, tried everything, now to a point where he never initiates sex. I do, he ignores me. I’m 20 years younger, we have children and I’m sad and frustrated. What on earth do I do?


How old is he and has he sought medical advise?


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## Tilted 1

Have his testrotone checked probably low, and once on if erection issues get him the blue pill or the like. The T will help with desire and the other self explanatory.


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## Lila

CandiGirl said:


> Hi, I’ve come along to seek advice on how to cope with being married to a man who has impotence issues. *We have been together for 15 years*. In the last 5 years he’s had issues and they’ve got more complicated as time’s gone on, tried everything, now to a point where he never initiates sex. I do, he ignores me. *I’m 20 years younger,* we have children and I’m sad and frustrated. What on earth do I do?


You mentioned he's 20 years older than you and you've been married 15 years. 
That would mean he's over 55 but it's really important to know generally know his age. The advice you'll get may be different for a 55 year old versus a 70 a year old.


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## Girl_power

Is he able to get an erecting? What about Viagra? Have you talked to him about it?


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## ConanHub

CandiGirl said:


> Hi, I’ve come along to seek advice on how to cope with being married to a man who has impotence issues. We have been together for 15 years. In the last 5 years he’s had issues and they’ve got more complicated as time’s gone on, tried everything, now to a point where he never initiates sex. I do, he ignores me. I’m 20 years younger, we have children and I’m sad and frustrated. What on earth do I do?


Vegan.:grin2:


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## CandiGirl

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## Lila

CandiGirl said:


> He’s 61 and yes seen specialist a few times over the years. Had Viagra and alike in the past, had something go wrong, sudden bruising causing it to be bent over 2 years ago, they said nothing they can do. Was offered a pump, it didn’t work for him and this year offered some injection thing at low dose it didn’t work. He wouldn’t bother Persevering or asking if he can try a higher dose. I’ve tried everything I can, I flirt, try it on. Lost weight, started running, had a tummy tuck and really made an effort but nothing. It’s sad, as we are a family and the kids love Dad but I’m really struggling getting no attention at all off him. I’ve talked until I’ve cried and he says he understands but he does nothing. I feel like my life is over.


Would he and you be open to him pleasing you sexually even if he can't get an erection?


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## CandiGirl

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## CandiGirl

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## ConanHub

CandiGirl said:


> 😂 Not had sex in maybe 18 month....obvs have helped myself a bit but it’s not the same, gets boring!!


I was actually suggesting a lifestyle change for him.

He would have to be motivated however.

I'm about 12 years younger than your husband but recently changed to a vegan diet and, while I wasn't experiencing Ed, the diet almost immediately gave me far more and improved erections.

Just something to consider.

What health problems does he have? What type of shape is he in?


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## Lila

CandiGirl said:


> Well we’ve tried that and in the past it’s been better then nothing but he avoids it, it must be boring or frustrating trying to please some hungry bird when you can’t get no satisfaction lol


I am so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately if he's exhausted his medical options, there isn't much else he can do for ED however that doesn't mean you two can't share intimacy. A good sex therapist could help you two come up with alternative ways to get your intimacy needs met but your husband has to want it. 

Would he be willing to go see a sex therapist with you? 

If he's not willing then there's nothing else to do for it. You have to accept there will be no more sexual intimacy in your relationship with him. You can decide your future based on that knowledge.


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## CandiGirl

N/A


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## ConanHub

CandiGirl said:


> He first had erection issues going back over 10 years ago. It has nothing to do with me, I am attractive and loving towards him. I wondered if it was hormonal but I don’t know if he had that tested. I’m fed up with him not trying. I said go Harley street see a specialist but he does nothing. He’s given up, he don’t care about me. It’s like a fake relationship from what I see. I can’t tell him to leave because I still care about him and the children love him. I can’t see things improving and I feel like I’m gonna go mad with the frustration. The running has kept me going this year. I have a lovely family, house, car and I’d be financially independent without him but I do love him and I’m sad he doesn’t seam to want me anymore.


The key is him not even trying anymore.

You can't make him put this effort into your marriage.

What you can do is control your actions about it.

You are nearing the top end of what is a sexual peak for most healthy women.

Are you able and willing to be in a sexless marriage from now on?


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## Lila

CandiGirl said:


> He first had erection issues going back over 10 years ago. It has nothing to do with me, I am attractive and loving towards him. I wondered if it was hormonal but I don’t know if he had that tested. I’m fed up with him not trying. I said go Harley street see a specialist but he does nothing. He’s given up, he don’t care about me. It’s like a fake relationship from what I see. I can’t tell him to leave because I still care about him and the children love him. I can’t see things improving and I feel like I’m gonna go mad with the frustration. The running has kept me going this year. I have a lovely family, house, car and I’d be financially independent without him but I do love him and I’m sad he doesn’t seam to want me anymore.




It is not your fault that he has ED. It is also not your responsibility to fix it. You can only encourage him to get help and be supportive throughout the process. That's it. If he's not even willing to find alternate ways to keep the intimacy alive then that's on him. 

How old are your children? 

Aside from the intimacy issues, is your husband a good man? Does he meet your other needs? 

I think if you choose to stay in the marriage, then you need focus on the good in the relationship and not the bad. Work to avoid becoming resentful towards him.


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## CandiGirl

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## CandiGirl

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## CandiGirl

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## CandiGirl

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## CandiGirl

Thank you all x


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## aquarius1

In the back of my mind this thought keeps popping up (no pun intended)
Is he suffering from depression? Could be as a result of low T and all the ED issues.
If I read it correctly, then the bending sounds like Peyronie's disease. Something that does or does not get better. It's a bit of a ****** and can rob a man of his self esteem.
Can I ask, have you told him the things here that you are telling us? Maybe your raw honestly will plant a seed with him.
I know this sounds like it's out of left field but would he consider an open marriage if all else fails? Just a thought.


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## sunsetmist

I'd be willing to bet he is also depressed--'tis only human. His inertia may evolve from hopelessness. He likely can feel your frustration and withdrawal.

Is he on anti-depressants--they can cause problems with libido? If his back is the main physical source of his issues a lot can change in 10 years and seeking a medical specialist for this may be helpful. If he felt like there was hope, he'd likely be more amenable to seeking other help like sex therapist. Good luck...


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## CandiGirl

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## aquarius1

CandiGirl said:


> Yes he is a bit depressed, has been on antidepressants for a couple of years. He started getting anxiety from nowhere. It has knocked his self esteem we’ve discussed all that. I’ve been overly caring about it all, regardless of how frustrated I’ve been for years. Some may wonder how we got our babies and I can tell you the two middle ones were hand made if you get my meaning. Having the children kept us strong made me happy but now that’s done and he’s lost interest in everything.
> I have told him everything I’m saying here, except the going off him part. He would never allow his partner to sleep with someone else, he’d go mad if I suggested it. I realise if someone comes my way and something happens that will be the end of us. I deliberately never go out socialising or drinking without him as I know there’s always temptation and I’d be the one feeling I’m doing wrong. He’d be happy to stay like this forever, he’s too selfish to put me first.


Ok sorry to suggest it. I just sometimes try to think of many angles for answers.
The anti-dep could certainly NOT be working properly or causing these sexual side effects. Rather common I'm afraid.
While a knee-jerk reaction is to call him selfish, let me suggest another viewpoint.
He's depressed and so mired in his own pain that he's not seeing yours.
He's a guy (sorry men) who are sometimes not as aware of all the nuances as we women are. Men can sometimes be less complicated in their perceptions and expectations. Which can be lovely and refreshing, but can sometimes leave us feeling that they are not aware of what we are going through.
Can you go with him to the doctors? Can you take him, make the appointments? Sometimes its just so damned hard to do when you are in the middle of it. 
To get a glimpse, watch a video by the Black Dog Institute called I Had A Black Dog: His name was depression on YouTube. Maybe you will see some of this situation in the video.
I'm afraid that my own struggles with depression make me more biased that way in my answers. I"m hoping that someone else can give you another perspective.


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## CandiGirl

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## CandiGirl

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## Girl_power

I would ask him permission to sleep with other men. You have needs and If he isn’t trying how is that fair for you?


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## aquarius1

CandiGirl said:


> Thank you for your suggestions, every idea is helpful as I’ve been dealing with this alone and never told a soul. I’ve had depression myself in the past, much worse then he’s going through. So I really do empathise and this is what’s kept me with him. I would have to tell you a lot more about what I put up with for you to get the full picture. I have been doctors with him many many times, this week too. He does have problems but what about when he’s feeling good? Am I supposed to give up on my happiness because he’s given up on his? I need support, I’ve been supporting him for years and he throws it back in my face and there’s no one I can talk to about him.


Hopefully we can help here. But we are no experts. Are you able to go to counselling? Living with someone who is depressed is very hard. You need someone neutral to talk to. Perhaps staying isn't such a good idea if you get a different perspective. Im not sure that you can change him. The only person that you can change is YOU. 
How you ask? Find a professional that you can talk to. Keep the exercise going. Yoga, meditation. Dancing. Whatever you like
You need to get yourself in a better place to deal with this. 
You say that there is a lot more. Again i say, a counselor for you to work through this.
To answer your question, no. You should not have to give up on your happiness. I also wonder if your children are aware of whats going on, they can sense it. They are actually more aware than we give them credit. They can feel if there is tension.


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## CandiGirl

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## aquarius1

Did I see correctly on another thread that your husband has often been messaging other women?
If this is the case, why are you still there?


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## CandiGirl

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## CandiGirl

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## Diana7

CandiGirl said:


> I can't imagine actually having sex with anyone else, i'd have to be drunk, i'd feel too guilty towards him and the children to actually do it. He did say to me last summer to go and get myself a boyfriend, but i don't know if he could actually handle it, think he'd get angry and be hurt. Then knowing me i'd fall in love with someone cus i'm kind of romantic, loving and passion greedy hahaha.


Its good that your conscience wont let you do it, I would be the same and I would be pretty hurt if a man I was with suggested I did that rather than trying to please me himself. 
To be honest this can be one of the issues of marrying a man who is in effect old enough to be your dad. We are both in our 60's and its very different from being in your early 40's physically and emotionally.


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## CandiGirl

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## aquarius1

CandiGirl said:


> Thank you. Yes I feel I do need a counsellor but I don't want to talk to our GP about this, its so personal. I told him to search out support groups online a couple of years ago, he may even have been here lol. I have been counselling him for years, we are friends and to the children we are a normal happy family. I work hard to keep a happy family. I cry myself to sleep sometimes but it's my problem, my frustration and I know I should have thought about this before having children with him. *You honestly can not imagine the pain of a sexless marriage until you've been in one for years.* I don't know what I can do to ease my frustration, went running this afternoon and then for a sauna, but i'm continuously sexually frustrated.


I can and I do. Try 20 years.
Many people have been in sexless marriages for a lot longer than yourself. So you are sadly in good company


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## jlg07

So, i bet this is SERIOUSLY messing with his head and is making him think about his aging and the fact he has a hot younger wife. However, he still had fingers and a tongue (sorry not trying to be crude here) and he needs to realize that you have needs. He can still provide most of what you need (i hope ALL of what you need). A fling outside the marriage, no matter WHAT he says is NOT going to solve this and make your marriage solid. You both need to work through this with a counselor.


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## EleGirl

Get the book "Divorce Busting", read it. 

Pay special attention to the chapter on changing the environment. You need to shake things up 'cause right now he's stuck in a place where he is very comfortable, so he does not really understand how serious this all is. After all, if it's all ok for him, what's our problem?


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## CandiGirl

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## aquarius1

CandiGirl said:


> EleGirl what do you mean by shake things up? We have spoke and he has agreed to make some changes with himself to try and improve things. But it's kind of like I've heard it all before. We've made a plan but i don't have a clue how serious he is. I am afraid to write on here incase he can read it all. It would be so obvious it is me.


Ask admin to move it to the Private Members Forum (30 posts required I think)


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## MattMatt

@CandiGirl what health issues does he have? What medications does he take?


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## ConanHub

EleGirl said:


> Get the book "Divorce Busting", read it.
> 
> Pay special attention to the chapter on changing the environment. You need to shake things up 'cause right now he's stuck in a place where he is very comfortable, so he does not really understand how serious this all is. After all, if it's all ok for him, what's our problem?





CandiGirl said:


> EleGirl what do you mean by shake things up? We have spoke and he has agreed to make some changes with himself to try and improve things. But it's kind of like I've heard it all before. We've made a plan but i don't have a clue how serious he is. I am afraid to write on here incase he can read it all. It would be so obvious it is me.


Look up that book she suggested.

It is a good tip if it is what I'm thinking.


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## EleGirl

CandiGirl said:


> EleGirl what do you mean by shake things up?


The book will answer that question... the chapter about changing the environment. It's explained much better in the book than I can do here in a post.



CandiGirl said:


> We have spoke and he has agreed to make some changes with himself to try and improve things. But it's kind of like I've heard it all before. We've made a plan but i don't have a clue how serious he is. I am afraid to write on here incase he can read it all. It would be so obvious it is me.


It's pretty typical for a talk like that to have little to no long term effect. A lot of us have been there, done that. 

Does he know that you are posting here?


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## CandiGirl

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## CandiGirl

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## CandiGirl

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## CandiGirl

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## ConanHub

CandiGirl said:


> I am sorry to read that. Maybe his age is the cause of lack of interest in me? I have never asked an older person if they have sex...i remember years ago thinking about Catherine Zeta Jone with Michael Douglas and wondering what on earth goes on there. Maybe that's part of why they separated? I love my husband but he is more of a security and comfort for me. There is little attraction to him, he hardly makes an effort, but my honesty and loyalty is strong. I even had to battle with myself about posting on here. I decided if I can write on Facebook support groups for parents with disabled children and help them then maybe I can write and get support for myself.


My Mrs. Is 60 Sunday and loves regular sex.

Michael Douglas caught a certain type of cancer that can be transmitted by giving a cheating woman oral sex.

He blamed his wife and divorced her. He obviously was still having sex with her regardless of if she cheated or not.


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## MattMatt

CandiGirl said:


> Too much to mention, bad back is main part. He takes Isosorbide heart medication which the hospital have said can cause issues, also has high cholesterol. He takes venlafaxine. If he addresses his weight and diet he may be able to reduce medications. Also on a huge dose of gabapentin instead of the morphine. He needs to stop smoking but he says he can't.


He should avoid Viagra. https://www.drugs.com/drug-interactions/isosorbide-mononitrate-with-viagra-1401-0-2061-1352.html

Also, he needs to make sure that he eats no grapefruit as that not good with Isosorbide, either.

Does he have anxiety or depression? I ask only bevause of the Venlafaxine which is an antidepressant.

https://www.nhs.uk/medicines/venlafaxine/

Pity he can't stop smoking. Has he tried e-cigarettes as a way of tapering off his nicotine habit?

Morphine can be a problem. I was hooked on prescription codeine for several years, so I'm aware of that class of drug.


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## Marduk

You're confusing your problem.

Your problem is that you're unsatisfied in your marriage.

His problem is that he can't get it up and is disinterested in satisfying you when he can't, or making the lifestyle changes required to potentially resolve the issue.

Make your intention clear: "Husband, I am dissatisfied with my sex life. Monogamy comes at a cost of prioritizing my pleasure along with your own. You may be fine living celibately, but I'm not. Your options are to get it fixed, pleasure me if you can't or don't want to, I seek satisfaction elsewhere, or we divorce. That's my order of preference. Pick one."

As Ele said, he's comfortable and you're not. So he has zero motivation to change. Time to make him uncomfortable by facing reality: he has a younger wife, is overweight, smokes, can't get it up, doesn't pleasure you, and is lazy. That may be harsh, but that is the reality you're describing.


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## CandiGirl

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## CandiGirl

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## CandiGirl

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## Prodigal

CandiGirl said:


> Maybe in 5 years I won't care about sex, love or affection anymore? I have honestly had a crap sex life for about 12 years, im depressed about it. I actually dream about meeting a divorcee who has time on his hands lol.


Maybe you won't care about sex in five years, but that's a long shot. Life is short and to deny yourself the pleasure you rightfully desire is just plain wrong. I realize it's hard to leave, but you are dissatisfied with the current situation. Sounds like your husband has no real desire/motivation to change.

At this point, I'd say you issue an ultimatum. He either gets with the program by making a sincere effort, or you file. Please be aware that not following through on an ultimatum puts you in a position of weakness. 

Do you think you'd be willing to risk losing the marriage? He may decide to make the necessary effort if he realizes you are ready to walk.


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