# Found horrible videotape of wife – what do I do?



## GL1979 (Oct 26, 2013)

We have been married for 5 years. We are both in our 30's and just had our first child two years ago and bought our first house last year. We met after we graduated from college. We went to different schools and grew up in different cities. My wife and I have never talked much about our past sex lives. We both think the past is the past. All I really knew throughout our relationship was that she was “more experienced” than me. She never discussed it and I never asked.

We are having more insulation put in the attic. Two weeks ago I took a day off from work to remove some boxes out of there. We had moved these boxes several times in our relationship and never opened them. All of the boxes had odds and ends and nick-knacks that we didn't need or want. They were all things we had accumulated when we were both single. My wife said it was all junk and I could throw it out. I was tossing the contents into garbage bags and recycling the cardboard boxes when I noticed a VHS tape. It did not have a label. We still have a VCR/DVD combo player so I decided to pop it in and see what was on it.

It was an amateur porn video. There were 5 men and 2 women. One of the women was naked on all fours and she was wearing a dog collar and a leash. The other woman was standing next to her holding the other end of the leash. One of the men was filming. It looked like it was in the living room of an apartment. The woman holding the leash asked the woman all fours if she knew what was going to happen. The woman on all fours said yes. Then the woman holding the leash said tell us. At that point the woman on all fours turned and looked at the camera and it zoomed in her face. It was my wife!

I have never been more shocked my life! My wife looked at the camera and said “all of these guys are going to f*ck me because I'm a wh*re!” and then smiled. I literally felt sick to my stomach. I fast-forwarded it hoping this was some kind of a joke. It wasn't. They all had sex with her. She even performed cunnilingus on the other woman. They all spit on her, pulled her hair, and even slapped her. Everyone in the video kept calling her a wh*re and a c*nt. One of the men began to have anal sex with her while she gave another a blow job. At that point I shut if off.

I have kept the tape but did not tell my wife I had found it. I'm not sure what to do with this. The video looked like it was filmed when she was in college. I realize people experiment when they are younger but this is beyond anything I would ever imagine my wife doing. She has never made even a hint that she was into S&M stuff, did anal sex, or was bisexual. We have not been intimate since I saw this. I feel like I can't. Not after seeing how they treated her and what she had done. In every part that I watched she was consensual and acting as if she enjoyed it. They would repeatedly say tell us what you are and she would yell out “I'm a wh*re! I'm a wh*re!”

Why would she keep this tape? I feel like I can't get past this.

What should I do?


----------



## kimd (Oct 12, 2013)

Destroy the tape and go on with your lives. If she is a good wife, that is all you need. We all do things that we may regret.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Besides Kim's advice, I'd say don't be afraid to seek counselling if you can't "get over it". It's an awful lot to deal with on your own. At some point, you may need to talk to your wife about what you saw and how it made you feel, but I wouldn't start there.

C


----------



## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Sorry,I wish I had an answer for you.Maybe IC
but if it were me i could not get past this.

If I found a tape of my wife with one partner it 
would not bother me,but with 4 or 5,this I
could not get over.

Sadly,you might never be able to move on,
as your whole view of who your wife really
is as a person has changed and not for
the better.

I would bet your wife has never acted or
shown this side around you.Most likely
prim and proper.
Your only solution might be to confront
and talk to your wife about it.

If your marriage ever hit a tough patch,
would you fully trust her?


----------



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

You should talk about it with her. Not doing so will haunt you for a long time. Then decide what to do.


----------



## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

The past is in the past. You both didn't want to know and you didn't ask. Leave it alone unless you feel like she isn't a good wife? Do you suspect anything going on behind your back? If not, it has nothing to do with today and the next. If you love her and you both have a good thing going, forget about and live for today. We all have done things we're not proud of. Don't embarrass her if you don't have to. Would it be worth ruining a good thing?


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Now that you know about it, don't rug-sweep it. You need to deal with it. Otherwise, you'll become psychotic. 

Make a copy of the tape. Keep it in a safe place away from the house.

Find out who the other men and woman are. That knowledge will help you deal with any encounter you may have with any of them. They may still be part of her life (or not).

Why the fvck did she be keep the video for so long? Was she a professional adult actress?


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

The other problem you have now is that you know she swings both ways. There are too many of her "friends" of both gender you need to keep an eye on.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:scratchhead: Now why would she keep it?


----------



## CEL (May 7, 2013)

So here is the problem you never really talked about your pasts. You decided to live in the moment. Think about that for a second. Wouldn't you want to know if she cheated? Or was a convicted felon? Or how about a sex change? You married a women who you had no idea where she had been or been with. Why? That is a basic talk in the beginning of who, where and why. It does not have to be detailed but it should be an open book.

Your past is part of you both good and bad. Yeah we all have crap we are not proud of but part of learning from the past is coming to grips with it not hiding it. You can't just push on with life and start new. It does not work that way instead you have to deal with it and learn from it. Who we are today is influenced by who we where. And the fact is you have no idea who she was which means you really don't know who she is. 

Now my guess is that the women in the video was her girlfriend at the time. My other guess is that it was not a solo occurrence you don't start out in that situation, you work up to it. Now if she has shown no inclination toward it now then it was probably just a dynamic of that relationship not her personal dynamic. The majority of people in that lifestyle are in it with a partner when they break up the person moves on and does not got back to the lifestyle. Few decide to continue when the original relationship ends. So she is not hiding anything currently from you that she wants I don't think. 

What to do? Well you can't just bury it as that will just mean all these unanswered questions. It will come up either now or in the future when you fight. So bring it up and talk about it you may not be able to move on from this. For her it was years ago for you it is right now. Plus this directly affects how you look at her if these acts disgust you then that is a hurdle. Some can handle some can't.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

CEL said:


> So here is the problem you never really talked about your pasts. You decided to live in the moment. Think about that for a second. Wouldn't you want to know if she cheated? Or was a convicted felon? Or how about a sex change? You married a women who you had no idea where she had been or been with. Why? That is a basic talk in the beginning of who, where and why. It does not have to be detailed but it should be an open book.
> 
> Your past is part of you both good and bad. Yeah we all have crap we are not proud of but part of learning from the past is coming to grips with it not hiding it. You can't just push on with life and start new. It does not work that way instead you have to deal with it and learn from it. Who we are today is influenced by who we where. And the fact is you have no idea who she was which means you really don't know who she is.
> 
> ...


If you have never seen this tape what would you think of your life with your wife ?


I also believe to realize whether any of the others are still in her life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Wow. I can't tell you what to do. If my wife had been a porn ***** and a cum bucket like yours I would serve her D papers.
A threesome is one thing, a homosexual night in college is another, what you found will never be erased from your mind, you will never respect her again. I know I wouldn't. 
People are going to say things defending her. You saw the tape, they didn't. she is that woman, she will always be that woman.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

treyvion said:


> If you have never seen this tape what would you think of your life with your wife ?
> 
> 
> I also believe to realize whether any of the others are still in her life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


pointless- he saw the tape. had to stop watching as it was only getting worse. no point to your argument at all.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> :scratchhead: Now why would she keep it?


proud of being a *****.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

kimd said:


> Destroy the tape and go on with your lives. If she is a good wife, that is all you need. We all do things that we may regret.


yeah, just forget it. absolutely ridiculous advice.
He will never look at her the same, never. Your advice is forget it.
We all do things, yes, none of us do this. it is not excusable for most of us.
I would not want this type of person as a wife. Hopefully for her sake he feels differently, but to rug sweep it would be dumb as hell.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

PBear said:


> Besides Kim's advice, I'd say don't be afraid to seek counselling if you can't "get over it". It's an awful lot to deal with on your own. At some point, you may need to talk to your wife about what you saw and how it made you feel, but I wouldn't start there.
> 
> C


yeah, live with it quietly burning a hole in your heart, but mention it to your wife last. She won't need any reasons for your sudden desire to not sleep with her, or worse your sudden desire to get what those guys got to have of your wife. Are you people for real?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> yeah, just forget it. absolutely ridiculous advice.
> He will never look at her the same, never. Your advice is forget it.
> We all do things, yes, none of us do this. it is not excusable for most of us.
> I would not want this type of person as a wife. Hopefully for her sake he feels differently, but to rug sweep it would be dumb as hell.


If she's moved on and detests her past and happy with her present that she did this doesn't matter much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm sorry - that sounds like quite the shock.

You weren't spying on her - you came accross this innocently. Now that you did though I think you will have to ask her what it was about and why she decided to hold onto the tape. As you said, the boxes have remained unopened for years. Perhaps that time of her life was so different and so long ago that shes completely forgotten about it.

I could handle a sex tape - I think - I mean if I found one. However in this case the nature of it, the degredation would be very disturbing.


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

OP, IC for you, stat!

And I'm not sure about a D; that would depend on how forthcoming she is, why she hid this (I surmise she's ashamed?), and how the discusssions (because there won't be just one) about it go.

She hid major things from you, however:
She participated in and enjoyed group sex.
She participated in and enjoyed a gan* ban*
She is bi (or was willing to act on it for that circumstance)
She was an exhibitionist.
She participated in power dynamics, BDSM and role playing.
She had rough sex willingly, including anal.

I cannot believe some of the posters here. I've seen discussions of men and women both wanting something wilder (dirty talk, role play) with spouses, and everyone encouraged it. This woman freely participated in it and the ****-shaming has begun. If she were a dom and the men were the "who*es", would the reactions be so strong?

The issue is not "just" that she was into "who*edom" role play/fetish stuff. It's that she hid an entire part of her being and life from him. I sense some shame on her part, and it's apparently warranted if reactions here are any indicator.

OP,go to IC, then arrange for her to join you and discuss it with the T there to help guide the discussion. This will be more difficult if you've wanted her to take any of these risks sexually and she hasn't. Two things tend to drive that, from what I've seen: the former BDSMer either is ashamed and never wants to revisit that part of life, or they miss it and it nags at them. I think she's the former. It has to be discussed, though.

ETA: Regardless of the fears which led her to not disclose this, she took away your right to fully informed consent before marriage, and during it too.


----------



## GingerAle (Oct 13, 2013)

Time to be honest with her. Tell her you saw it and are having a hard time digesting it.
Have an honest discussion about your past. Look for signs of regret in your wife. If she shows remorse, this is a good sign. If she is defensive, she is either embarrassed or doesnt care.

She didnt tell you because perhaps that was a low point in her life and she wants normalcy. She wanted a family and to move on without any of her past actions marring the foundation of her marriage. Obviously she cares about your opinion of her. 

You will need IC & MC

Another thought: 

Under no circumstances should you ask her to perform some of those sexual acts seen in the video on you.

GINGER


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

One cannot simply dismiss such behavior from the not so distant past. The kind of lifestyle that is involved here is simply not what most people have in mind duty run their "wild" years.

If she looked comfortable in the tape chances are it was not an isolated incident. If her current behavior is clean she has gotten over it likely but things like that don't usually get swept away.

Do you have the means to do a background investigation of her prior to marriage? Or did she simply went cold turkey in the new lifestyle?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

john117 said:


> One cannot simply dismiss such behavior from the not so distant past. The kind of lifestyle that is involved here is simply not what most people have in mind duty run their "wild" years.
> 
> If she looked comfortable in the tape chances are it was not an isolated incident. If her current behavior is clean she has gotten over it likely but things like that don't usually get swept away.
> 
> Do you have the means to do a background investigation of her prior to marriage? Or did she simply went cold turkey in the new lifestyle?


When he said videotape I assumed the incident was TEN years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Its something she did in college, my guess is she probably doesn't even remember she has the tape. If she does and purposely kept it, well then you need to sit down and have a talk with her and ask why she kept it. Tell her in a non accusatory way, you were cleaning boxes out and found the tape. You put in in the VCR because you were unsure what it was. It all seems innocent to me, as in you didn't snoop on purpose, you found it while cleaning stuff out, and Its something she did years ago. 

Is your wife a good wife? Does she take care of the house, the kids, you, etc? If so, then what matters most is the kind of person she is today in your marriage.


----------



## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

GL1979 said:


> My wife and I have never talked much about our past sex lives. We both think the past is the past.





GL1979 said:


> Why would she keep this tape? I feel like I can't get past this. What should I do?


You said yourself, it's in the past. If you have no reason to believe she has cheated on you since being married then let it go. She probably forgot she had the tape or thought that maybe someday you guys would be close enough in your relationship where she could share her past without being judged. 

Build a bridge, get over it.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

She can't undo what happened on that tape. The choice is no longer hers.

But you have a choice as to whether or not your let it destroy your marriage. That act, for which you will probably be eternally sorrowful, hasn't happened yet. 

Your call.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Have you and your wife ever discussed sexual fantasies? If so, has S&M play ever come up? Perhaps, if you are not into S&M, then maybe your wife knows this and thats why its never been brought up or tried. She could have a side you don't know about, then again it may simply be something she did in college, nothing more, nothing less. Just tell her you found it, and then go from there.

BTW, if the shoe were on the other foot and it was you in that video from college and your wife found it, how would you want her to handle it? Talk to you about it, so maybe she could lay her feelings to rest? Or to just not bring it up and let it eat away at the marriage because its on her mind?


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Get yourself to IC as fast as you can before this destroys your happiness, your wife's happiness, and your marriage. 

Looking for advice on anonymous internet forums is a risky endeavor. Everyone here has their own baggage--don't pick that up as well.


----------



## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Sounds like a bad soap opera plot. And the troll posts kind of fill in the blanks. But in the event that it is real, I have a somewhat shocking different take on it.

His wife probably doesn't know these people any more. Do you know and still see every person you dumped jizz on 25 years ago? 

It is shocking and I don't think that I could just let it go and not bring it up to her, so I would have to make it work for me. And that is by getting kinky with her and living an extremely fetish-laden sex life. 

Now that doesn't mean you have to start an open marriage and let other people into your bedroom. But she sounds like a doozy and why not the love of her life receiving some of these long-hidden rewards? 

And I would push to get another woman involved. That's the least she can do for this poor guy.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Wow 40-20, really?

Sorry but...that doesn't even make sense. Whatever she did with whoever she did it with (if this is real) has nothing to do with her husband AND he doesn't have any "rights" to her "doing it for him too if she did it previously".

I know my husband did many sexual things in his past that have NOTHING to do with me, that he doesn't want to do over again, that he enjoyed very much but that doesn't really mean anything in our relationship.

I could say the same thing.

Now if one of us found a video tape of the other doing some of these things....we should "demand" that we get some of that, too?

It doesn't make sense.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

GL1979 said:


> What should I do?


Find something worthwhile to do with yourself...


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Wow 40-20, really?
> 
> Sorry but...that doesn't even make sense. Whatever she did with whoever she did it with (if this is real) has nothing to do with her husband AND he doesn't have any "rights" to her "doing it for him too if she did it previously".
> 
> ...


If you saw that your husband was a more caring and giving lover in his past, and also he was happy to perform sexual acts which are not degredations that expressed his care and kindness and you weren't getting it, you would wonder why not you.

It's a natural thing to wonder.


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Dear god, when my husband gets home I'm going to hold him and never let him go. 

Sometimes a thread really brings the realization crashing down upon me: I am the luckiest woman in the world


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

trey....No, I wouldn't wonder those things because I understand that our previous sex lives have nothing to do with each other.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> trey....No, I wouldn't wonder those things because I understand that our previous sex lives have nothing to do with each other.


My thing was if you felt "cheated" out of some normal sexual acts in your relationship and you had proof that it was not a problem to him in the past and it was not degrading and he liked it, you would get jealous.

If you in particular would not get jealous, many of us would...


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

GL1979 said:


> We have been married for 5 years. We are both in our 30's and just had our first child two years ago and bought our first house last year. We met after we graduated from college. We went to different schools and grew up in different cities. My wife and I have never talked much about our past sex lives. We both think the past is the past. All I really knew throughout our relationship was that she was “more experienced” than me. She never discussed it and I never asked.
> 
> We are having more insulation put in the attic. Two weeks ago I took a day off from work to remove some boxes out of there. We had moved these boxes several times in our relationship and never opened them. All of the boxes had odds and ends and nick-knacks that we didn't need or want. They were all things we had accumulated when we were both single. My wife said it was all junk and I could throw it out. I was tossing the contents into garbage bags and recycling the cardboard boxes when I noticed a VHS tape. It did not have a label. We still have a VCR/DVD combo player so I decided to pop it in and see what was on it.
> 
> ...



Don't destroy the tape!!!

When your wife is home, just suddenly play it and see how she reacts!!!

She should of told you she was in this kinda of stuff before you got married, came clean and no secrets.

Now I agree the past is the past and this happened in her college years, before you met and got married.

But again, when you get married, THERE ARE NO SECRETS. She should know everything you've done and you should know everything she's done.

If after viewing this tape with her, she comes clean and wants to do those things with you and this makes your marriage much stronger, fantastic. If this has the opposite effect, marriage counseling or divorce her and find a non ***** woman to be your wife.

If I found out my wife did what your wife did, it was a secret, I wouldn't be impressed at all......possible divorce, unless she came clean with everything and we started doing those things together.

Wow, what a shocker and I have total sympathy for you.

Don't listen to those who say, destroy the tape and never bring this up.......what else has she done, that you don't know about???? Forgive and forget that as well, when you find out years later, again????

If I did something like that, never told my wife and she found out years later in our marriage.......Big Problem!!!

And your wife should of been doing those things with you in your marriage to begin with, why not?


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

treyvion said:


> My thing was if you felt "cheated" out of some normal sexual acts in your relationship and you had proof that it was not a problem to him in the past and it was not degrading and he liked it, you would get jealous.
> 
> If you in particular would not get jealous, many of us would...


It's okay to be jealous. But own it as your problem, don't blame someone else for making you that way. 

My husband is a jealous and possessive guy--he owns up to it, he struggles with it, he talks to me about it. He never shames me or makes demands of me because of it. He doesn't use it as a weapon to destroy my sense of autonomy and self worth. 

Gawd, there is NOTHING less sexy in a man than insecurity masquerading as righteousness.


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I second the post that said this was posted once before.
> 
> Troll?


Absolutely!


----------



## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

My wife and I have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy about our past. 

As long as we are committed to each other now what we did before doesn't matter. Troll or not it's still an interesting scenario. If I were in OP's shoes I would destroy tape and never mention it again. I would also approach said wife about role-play and ask her about fantasies.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> It's okay to be jealous. But own it as your problem, don't blame someone else for making you that way.
> 
> My husband is a jealous and possessive guy--he owns up to it, he struggles with it, he talks to me about it. He never shames me or makes demands of me because of it. He doesn't use it as a weapon to destroy my sense of autonomy and self worth.
> 
> Gawd, there is NOTHING less sexy in a man than insecurity masquerading as righteousness.


Ok. So husband never gives you oral. He says he never done it before it always grossed him out. Is low on affections and when he has sex with you it's an event you would rather forget, because he literally does his business and rolls over, not even thinking about you.

You think this is how it is... Then you find some tapes of this guy with past girlfriends. He's a generous and loving lover, doing oral for extended sessions on her, massaging her body in oils, taking his time to make sure she is pleasured through the PIV.

You are probably going to have a problem with that, when he lied to you and potrayed something completely different.


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

For the sake of argument....everything in your past matters. If she was a murderer or a thief I'd want to know before marrying her. This is not just prior sex,this is...very out of the ordinary and plays into character.
Past behavior is the most accurate way to predict future behavior.

With that said, I don't get what people find thrilling about posting fiction. Geesh!


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

dogman said:


> For the sake of argument....everything in your past matters. If she was a murderer or a thief I'd want to know before marrying her. This is not just prior sex,this is...very out of the ordinary and plays into character.
> Past behavior is the most accurate way to predict future behavior.
> 
> With that said, I don't get what people find thrilling about posting fiction. Geesh!


dogman,

Current behavior may have resulted from them taking some bad detours and getting burned. It's good to understand what they've done and the path they've been on and the history of it, to know the person.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> It's okay to be jealous. But own it as your problem, don't blame someone else for making you that way.
> 
> My husband is a jealous and possessive guy--he owns up to it, he struggles with it, he talks to me about it. He never shames me or makes demands of me because of it. He doesn't use it as a weapon to destroy my sense of autonomy and self worth.
> 
> Gawd, there is NOTHING less sexy in a man than insecurity masquerading as righteousness.


I wouldn't feel jealous, I'll feel like she lied to me and pulled the wool over my eyes. So I wouldn't feel too good about it at all.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

dogman said:


> For the sake of argument....everything in your past matters. If she was a murderer or a thief I'd want to know before marrying her. This is not just prior sex,this is...very out of the ordinary and plays into character.
> Past behavior is the most accurate way to predict future behavior.



Exactly!!:smthumbup::smthumbup:


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Ok. So husband never gives you oral. He says he never done it before it always grossed him out. Is low on affections and when he has sex with you it's an event you would rather forget, because he literally does his business and rolls over, not even thinking about you.
> 
> You think this is how it is... Then you find some tapes of this guy with past girlfriends. He's a generous and loving lover, doing oral for extended sessions on her, massaging her body in oils, taking his time to make sure she is pleasured through the PIV.
> 
> You are probably going to have a problem with that, when he lied to you and potrayed something completely different.


What does this have to do with the situation in the original post? Where does the troll . . . oops, I mean OP . . . say that he's been rejected by his wife every time he's approached her with a dog collar? If anything, he seems repulsed by by the BDSM activity and her "enjoyment" of it. 

But I'll answer your question: if I'm not satisfied with my sex life with my husband, I'd deal with it within the confines of MY marriage to HIM. His actions with other women are irrelevant.

I don't suggest someone like the OP rug sweep this if they really "can't deal." Get help and stop looking for others to make the boo boo all better for you. It's what grown ups do. 

It's hard to be a grown up sometimes, I know. But anything less here leaves you looking like a four year old in the playground who just dropped his lollipop in the sand. 

Not. Sexy.


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

treyvion said:


> I wouldn't feel jealous, I'll feel like she lied to me and pulled the wool over my eyes. So I wouldn't feel too good about it at all.


For all we know, she might feel the same way.

Who lied to who here? Who portrayed themselves as being something they are not? Really can't tell based on the info in the original post.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

committed_guy said:


> My wife and I have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy about our past.
> 
> As long as we are committed to each other now what we did before doesn't matter. Troll or not it's still an interesting scenario. If I were in OP's shoes I would destroy tape and never mention it again. I would also approach said wife about role-play and ask her about fantasies.



Best policy to have imo, unless there's something that would affect is now (ie kids I don't know about, std's, etc). My husbands knows very little of my past as he's never asked, though there's nothing shocking, and I know more of his then I'd care to know because he's given me unsolicited details I don't care to have. All it did was lower him in my eyes because it comes across as someone insecure and pathetic that's seeking validation at my expense. It also told me he was spending a lot of time thinking about it instead of living in the present, which made him less appealing to me. We've settled this and recovered nicely, but imo the past has no place in the present. That's just me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> And I would push to get another woman involved. That's the least she can do for this poor guy.


:wtf:


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Best policy to have imo, unless there's something that would affect is now (ie kids I don't know about, std's, etc). My husbands knows very little of my past as he's never asked, though there's nothing shocking, and I know more of his then I'd care to know because he's given me unsolicited details I don't care to have. All it did was lower him in my eyes because it comes across as someone insecure and pathetic that's seeking validation at my expense. It also told me he was spending a lot of time thinking about it instead of living in the present, which made him less appealing to me. We've settled this and recovered nicely, but imo the past has no place in the present. That's just me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't understand why that lowered him in your eyes. He may have told you so you don't find out outside of him and become shocked.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Talk with your wife about it, even watch it with her if you need to, and then try to get closure from your discussion. If you have done sordid things in your past that she doesn't remotely know about, then bring them up to her!

Then after successfully reaching resolution from that discussion, destroy the tape together!

And if all of that fails, seek IC!*


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If this woman really turned a new leaf when she married her hubby, she would of destroyed that tape and other past stuff?, not box it and bring it with her. That tells me she is still into that stuff, not with hubby though, and she hasn't let go.

Regardless of their pasts, neither should be uneasy about telling the other about what they did before they got married. In fact, this should strengthen the marriage in many ways.....

But since she never told him, kept the tape?!, and he found out cleaning the attic, yes, he should play it when she is home and talk to her about it. No secrets in their marriage and they shouldn't be uneasy talking about it.

If you have a few things you did, that she never knew about, tell her as well. No secrets, right?

Who knows. Maybe she will now do those things with him and her wild side can came out with him, a good thing.:smthumbup:


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Talk with your wife about it, even watch it with her if you need to, and then try to get closure from your discussion. If you have done sordid things in your past that she doesn't remotely know about, then bring them up to her!
> 
> Then after successfully reaching resoution from that discussion, destroy the tape together!
> 
> And if all of that fails, seek IC!*


That would put an end to it.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *Talk with your wife about it, even watch it with her if you need to, and then try to get closure from your discussion. If you have done sordid things in your past that she doesn't remotely know about, then bring them up to her!
> 
> Then after successfully reaching resolution from that discussion, destroy the tape together!
> 
> And if all of that fails, seek IC!*



Either this brings them much closer together.......or it could be the beginning of their end.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You don't have to worry about her reading the Shades of Gray fantasy novel and then cheating on you.

I find it hard to believe anyone still has a VHS player, it is possible. 

Having seen this video, you have felt your life change. You are now concealing a secret from your wife that threatens to disturb your marriage. It is wrong to allow it to fester.

Your wife is not the same person in the film; she has changed. You are not the same person you were 10 years ago. Who is she now? Do you love her? Is she good to you? People's kinks change over a lifetime. Do not judge your wife as immoral. Whom did she harm if it was consensual? She had no obligation to tell all about her past life unless that was a condition in your relationship.

Read Venus in Furs. 

Has your wife given you STDs?

Do you have children?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

First, I kind of have trouble believing this. But okay. Assume it's true.

Second, the sl*t shaming here is like UGHHHHH. God, I'm glad my husband is not as judgmental as some of the men on here. I'd never feel comfortable telling him anything! 

So, your wife experimented with group sex and BDSM in her younger days. And I'm guessing this is a shock because she doesn't do anything like that now. I admit that I too would be shocked if I found a video of my husband having group sex on all fours saying he was a *****. But I'd also probably be super turned on by it! 

The weird thing is why do you guys not talk about your sexual history? Have you talked about turns on before? Your wife never said anything about like power play, domination and submission?

Your wife did nothing wrong by experimenting sexually. It seems like it was consensual and she liked it...but maybe regretted it later? Do you think she knew you would get upset and would judge her and that's why she never told you? 

I would definitely not pretend you never saw it. First, I don't know how you would pretend this. But second, it seems like you guys don't fully know each other sexually. If this were ME, I would use it as an opportunity to talk to my partner. 

I'd say, "Hey, I found this video, and I was really shocked because this seems totally unlike you, and you never told me about this. I'm hurt because you didn't feel that you could be honest with me, but I want you to know that I love you and I don't judge you for things you did in the past. Can you please explain this to me. It makes me feel like I don't know you and that scares me."

But that's just me.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

treyvion said:


> I don't understand why that lowered him in your eyes. He may have told you so you don't find out outside of him and become shocked.



There was nothing for me to find out because there wasn't anything big, and besides his ex wife that I know all about because they have a daughter, none of them are around as far as I know. Even if they were, I don't care that he has a past (most of us do), I just don't think the gory details belong in our present. If you knew some of the wildly inappropriate details he's brought up and the times he's chosen to do it things would make more sense. I even ran some by a couple of very close friends that would have no problem telling me I'm making a big deal out of nothing and neither knew how to respond. If it's affecting your present by all means share but if you're sharing intimate details for no reason then to look better it doesn't work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Lionlady said:


> First, I kind of have trouble believing this. But okay. Assume it's true.
> 
> Second, the sl*t shaming here is like UGHHHHH. God, I'm glad my husband is not as judgmental as some of the men on here. I'd never feel comfortable telling him anything!
> 
> ...


There are a lot of judgemental attitudes here but in fairness I wonder if a lot of men secretly feel that way but don't admit it. Here they are free to admit it. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Some people still have an old DVD / VHS combo player, yes its true. Why? Because I had a DVD player as of a few months ago and just recently upgraded my entire ancient TV system. Yes it is definitely possible.

You have to watch the tape with her and talk about it. Maybe this will bring you much closer and her wild sexual side is unleashed with you? That's a good thing.

If my wife found an old tape right now, of me having sex with many women before we got married, what would happen......she would be very insecure, upset, am I good enough?, and why the secret? Just because it's a woman that did this, doesn't mean she gets a clean slate because if a man did this, you know this wouldn't be the case!

When she did this, in her past, she was still an adult and knew what she was doing.

What she did in her past, does shape the way she is today. If she had sex with 4 guys and a gal at the same time, she could do something similar again because of that high.

She wasn't forced to do this either. She wanted to do it and be video taped.

If I had crazy sex with 3 - 4 hot woman at the same time, hours on end, all holes and curves (viagra), I would probably want to be video taped because of that hot experience.

I'd say, "Hey, I found this video, and I was really shocked because this seems totally unlike you, and you never told me about this. I'm hurt because you didn't feel that you could be honest with me, but I want you to know that I love you and I don't judge you for things you did in the past. Can you please explain this to me. It makes me feel like I don't know you and that scares me."


*I wouldn't freak out on her. I would say to her, I think you're hot and adventurous and I want to do those things with you honey. She wouldn't expect that kinda of a reaction and I bet your marriage and sex life together would be much better. But if you just can't get over it, even with MC, then move on and find another woman that is honest and open with you.*


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YourKnotAnUdderFailure (Oct 25, 2013)

If I found a tape with her doing that while we were dating or married, then I'd probably break up with her or get a divorce.

At any rate, that was college. If I found a tape of my wife doing that before we even met, I'd tell her that I found it and watched it. I'd also tell her what I thought about it to get it off my chest. You might want to be understanding, everyone has secrets. Hell, I'd probably tell her the things I did in the past if I didn't before.

You might not like it, but hell, if I knew my wife did that in the past, I'd be A.O.K. about it, and probably ask her if she'd be interested in doing it again. Yeah, I'm a horny bastard.


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

besides, everyone knows proper slaves aren't allowed to talk...sheesh.


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

GL1979 said:


> She has never made even a hint that she was into S&M stuff, did anal sex, or was bisexual.


This is the problem. Assuming that those things were consensual and she enjoyed them (which you said it looked like that) I wonder why she wouldn't bring up those things in your marriage. Why doesn't she want to do things that she enjoys with the love of her life?


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

ntamph said:


> This is the problem. Assuming that those things were consensual and she enjoyed them (which you said it looked like that) I wonder why she wouldn't bring up those things in your marriage. Why doesn't she want to do things that she enjoys with the love of her life?


Maybe the reason she isn't bringing all her fantasies up with hubbs, is because she doesn't find him hot that way and she is still doing this on a smaller scale on the side.......


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

GL1979 said:


> We have been married for 5 years. We are both in our 30's and just had our first child two years ago and bought our first house last year. We met after we graduated from college. We went to different schools and grew up in different cities. My wife and I have never talked much about our past sex lives. We both think the past is the past. All I really knew throughout our relationship was that she was “more experienced” than me. She never discussed it and I never asked.
> 
> We are having more insulation put in the attic. Two weeks ago I took a day off from work to remove some boxes out of there. We had moved these boxes several times in our relationship and never opened them. All of the boxes had odds and ends and nick-knacks that we didn't need or want. They were all things we had accumulated when we were both single. My wife said it was all junk and I could throw it out. I was tossing the contents into garbage bags and recycling the cardboard boxes when I noticed a VHS tape. It did not have a label. We still have a VCR/DVD combo player so I decided to pop it in and see what was on it.
> 
> ...



You need to bring her to a marriage counselor session to discuss this. 

Before you go, clue the counselor into what happened on the tape. 

The counselor can keep you both safe as you discuss this issue. 

With that said, many times, in college, people need money to pay tuition or other bills. They do crazy things for money. Porn is one. 

A tape such as the one she made likely paid well. 

Just because they told her to smile at the camera, doesn't mean she is happy about what she may have had to do for money. 

Don't condemn her until you find out her logic and reasoning. 

Also, this all happened before you were married, right? So, if, as others have state, you have a good marriage, getting counseling to handle the trauma of viewing this type and moving on, might be the best thing.


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Maybe the reason she isn't bringing all her fantasies up with hubbs, is because she doesn't find him hot that way and she is still doing this on a smaller scale on the side.......


This is definitely a real possibility.


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> You need to bring her to a marriage counselor session to discuss this.
> 
> Before you go, clue the counselor into what happened on the tape.
> 
> ...


If it was so terrible and she had to force herself to do it out of shear desperation for money then why would she keep a copy of such a shameful thing that is such a difficult memory for her?

Also, couldn't she tell him that she needed money for school and that this tape might be floating out on the internet?


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

ntamph said:


> If it was so terrible and she had to force herself to do it out of shear desperation for money then why would she keep a copy of such a shameful thing that is such a difficult memory for her?
> 
> Also, couldn't she tell him that she needed money for school and that this tape might be floating out on the internet?



Perfectly said. :smthumbup::smthumbup:

- She could of got a larger student loan.
- She could of lived at home with her parents
- She could of moved in with friends and her share of the rent is minimal.
- She could of got a part time / weekend job

But she was forced to have crazy sex, liked it, video taped, for good money and poor little old her? She didn't know what she was doing. Poor baby. She was taken advantage of, etc.....women today are not children. They are sexually liberated and can do whatever they want.

Very true, he could have a vanilla average sex drive, were she is a adventurous high sex drive, sexual mismatch.

A troll? Seen posts were many said, this is a troll and it turned out not to be the case and the poster left.......


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I find it interesting that men will eagerly watch porn as described in the first post...they will enjoy it immensely and consider their enjoying it as if it "means something about their sexuality"...yet when contemplating their own wife having actually had the same type of sex, now she is a filthy wh*re and how dare she? 

If men weren't allowed to watch porn but instead, had to actually act it out themselves, I'm pretty sure most of them would decline that offer. But watch it voyeuristic-ally without having to take any risk in the actual HAVING SEX part of it? Sure, they will do that (passively watching porn) because "they like that kind of stuff". :scratchhead:


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> - She could of got a larger student loan.
> - She could of lived at home with her parents
> - She could of moved in with friends and her share of the rent is minimal.
> - She could of got a part time / weekend job


These things aren't an option for some people. I heard a lot of horror stories in college. I'm lucky that I had stable parents who valued education and paid for my schooling.

There are girls/women who I met who came from terrible situations. I don't look down on them. They are much stronger than me and it's amazing how successful some of them have become. 

So I wouldn't mind a woman with a past. Just think about your SO a little and help him understand where you're coming from.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If my wife watched porn and wanted adventurous sex with me, I would be the happiest guy on TAM!!!:smthumbup:

If she wanted anal, oiled hand, breast and foot jobs, 69, outside, in the car, shower together, tie each other up, blind folds, talk dirty, movies, all sorts of toys, etc, etc, etc.....I would marry her again and again.


----------



## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Wow 40-20, really?
> 
> Sorry but...that doesn't even make sense. Whatever she did with whoever she did it with (if this is real) has nothing to do with her husband AND he doesn't have any "rights" to her "doing it for him too if she did it previously".
> 
> ...


I'm just acting selfishly with that and admit it. I would be upset and jealous and instead of splitting up, make it work by indulging her in things she obviously is turned on by.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

I don't know if this sounds insecure or not, don't really care.

But I would like to know details, who, what, where, who else knows etc for two reasons.

One it would put me on a similar social footing if there was any chance of other 'actors' film crew, viewers or other participants being met.
My wife always informs me when we meet an old boyfriend of hers, there seem to be quite a few. 

Plus imagine the impact on the children if they should happen on a copy of this. There is always some evil minded twonk who would delight in spilling the beans.


----------



## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

> There are a lot of judgemental attitudes here but in fairness I wonder if a lot of men secretly feel that way but don't admit it. Here they are free to admit it. .


I seriously doubt this post is true. Guys finds years old VHS tape of wife in attic and has NO idea that his wife is/was kinky enough to do a group sex BSDM scene back in college. If so, there is some sadddd lack of communication in that relationship.

But yeah...the attitudes are really gross. I love how so many posts on here are about men whose wives don't want to have sex anymore. I think I know why. Not saying that discovering something shocking about my husband's past wouldn't be...shocking. But if the worst thing he ever did was **** some people before he met me and get a little kinky....


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> There are a lot of judgemental attitudes here but in fairness I wonder if a lot of men secretly feel that way but don't admit it. Here they are free to admit it. .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


some of us feel differently. we would be hurt and feel like it was a lie, a secret life, that others knew about my partner, but not I, and would devastate some of us. It would be a betrayal. Also you do not necessarily take into fact how visual a creature men are. The visual of my wife like this would be awful. If I wanted to marry a porn star I would. Someone else can have that mess.

I am o.k. with judgemental. Last I checked i can judge for myself the kind of person I was to Marry. 

Others see it different. You are in the camp that her time with me is all that matters. Well i just would have realized I was married to a former ***** that theoretically shares the moral character she has shown, or she is doing her best to no longer be a *****. All this and to top it off I was lied to and believed I had married one person and now I find out I just married Jenna Jameson, and now would feel others new her quite a bit better than I ever knew. The combination of the degradation mixed with deceit, dishonesty, would have me question all aspects of our marriage and relationship. To act like a Dear Abby response would come out of my mouth simply wouldn't be the truth. 
No thanks..


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> some of us feel differently. we would be hurt and feel like it was a lie, a secret life, that others knew about my partner, but not I, and would devastate some of us. It would be a betrayal. Also you do not necessarily take into fact how visual a creature men are. The visual of my wife like this would be awful. If I wanted to marry a porn star I would. Someone else can have that mess.
> 
> I am o.k. with judgemental. Last I checked i can judge for myself the kind of person I was to Marry.
> 
> ...


Why would you assume you know how I feel about anything? I was simply agreeing that their are judgmental attitudes, which there are and you freely admit it. I never said it was wrong, only that it was so. You are entitled to feel how you feel, and after reading your story I agree what your wife did was deceptive and cr&ppy, and I would probably feel just as you do. And you make a mistake in assuming that men care about these things more because you, like so many men, are under the mistaken impression that men are so much more visual. This is not true, women are in fact quite visiual, we've just been raised to think we shouldn't be, while men are allowed to do it. If you read my posts about my hb's sharing of intimate ex details you'd see that I actually feel like you do. What really bothers me is the double standard; I don't ask of my hb what I can't provide myself. Hopefully you do the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

GL1979 said:


> We have been married for 5 years. We are both in our 30's and just had our first child two years ago and bought our first house last year. We met after we graduated from college. We went to different schools and grew up in different cities. My wife and I have never talked much about our past sex lives. We both think the past is the past. All I really knew throughout our relationship was that she was “more experienced” than me. She never discussed it and I never asked.
> 
> We are having more insulation put in the attic. Two weeks ago I took a day off from work to remove some boxes out of there. We had moved these boxes several times in our relationship and never opened them. All of the boxes had odds and ends and nick-knacks that we didn't need or want. They were all things we had accumulated when we were both single. My wife said it was all junk and I could throw it out. I was tossing the contents into garbage bags and recycling the cardboard boxes when I noticed a VHS tape. It did not have a label. We still have a VCR/DVD combo player so I decided to pop it in and see what was on it.
> 
> ...


Dear Penthouse.

But I'll play. For me this would be a dealbreaker. Why? Becuase this would have been covered before I married my wife. If I did not know about this, this would have been because she either lied outright about it or by omission. So that in itself would be a dealbreaker for me. I would get checked. yeah I know this was so long ago.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> I find it interesting that men will eagerly watch porn as described in the first post...they will enjoy it immensely and consider their enjoying it as if it "means something about their sexuality"...yet when contemplating their own wife having actually had the same type of sex, now she is a filthy wh*re and how dare she?
> 
> If men weren't allowed to watch porn but instead, had to actually act it out themselves, I'm pretty sure most of them would decline that offer. But watch it voyeuristic-ally without having to take any risk in the actual HAVING SEX part of it? Sure, they will do that (passively watching porn) because "they like that kind of stuff". :scratchhead:


No. The equivalence would be the guy being in a porn movie. 

Watching porn is not equivalent to being in a porn. 

Reading female porn is not the same thing as doing it.

Duh!!


----------



## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

I think the right thing to do is unequivocally decide it's a positive (like most things in life are best viewed). Then run tell your wife, "Hey just found that video of you... It was a little funny, but must have been kind of liberating and great practice in being more sexual. You should have showed it to me before." Then it's either no problem, or even a plus.


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

I really think you have to know yourself and therefore what you will be ok with and what you won't be ok with. 
I know guys who've married strippers and ex prostitutes, I have no problem with them doing that. For me, it wouldn't work. Maybe I'm insecure or something but it would bring out the worst in me eventually.
I had very high standards when dating and those standards weren't based on looks. They were based on character....haha! And ummm...looks. 
That is why it's so important to find out all the details that matter to you. Think of it as full disclosure like you have in real estate. If you know and don't tell, you're open to a lawsuit.

In my eyes this is simply self protection so that someday I don't walk in to find my wife banging a bunch of clowns while the circus is in town. I would NOT be ok with that.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

dogman said:


> I really think you have to know yourself and therefore what you will be ok with and what you won't be ok with.
> I know guys who've married strippers and ex prostitutes, I have no problem with them doing that. For me, it wouldn't work. Maybe I'm insecure or something but it would bring out the worst in me eventually.
> I had very high standards when dating and those standards weren't based on looks. They were based on character....haha! And ummm...looks.
> That is why it's so important to find out all the details that matter to you. Think of it as full disclosure like you have in real estate. If you know and don't tell, you're open to a lawsuit.
> ...


*No truer words could have been said, Dogman!*

*And your reminiscing about the "clowns" just made me laugh right out loud. That is preeminently, one of the best threads ever in TAM history. Hope that it's still up!*


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Get checks for STDs and HIV. Some of them are the gift that just keeps giving.

Show her the video. Then have the talk. Counselling might be of help.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

You have been traumatized I'm sure but don't let your trauma run the risk of destroying your family. As traumatic as it is, it was before you and a long time ago. Do you believe people can change? If so extend that belief to her. If you bring it up to her willy nilly you run the very real risk of destroying your marriage. If you are willing to do that then just go ahead and bail out now without telling her why. If not then go to IC now first and once your emotions are settled you can decide whether to talk to her about it. If you confront her now you will likely cause one of two reactions, she will either become extremely defensive which will only make you more upset and cause a snowball effect or she will be so shamed that in the end she may bail on you because she cant face you knowing what you know.

In short even though you are the one traumatized, and if you want to hang onto your marriage you must put your emotions to the side and deal with this smartly as this will be a minefield to navigate. You need professional help on the front end first.


----------



## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

dogman said:


> ...so that someday I don't walk in to find my wife banging a bunch of clowns while the circus is in town...


That just made me laugh out loud! :rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Wow 40-20, really?
> 
> Sorry but...that doesn't even make sense. Whatever she did with whoever she did it with (if this is real) has nothing to do with her husband AND he doesn't have any "rights" to her "doing it for him too if she did it previously".
> 
> ...


I wouldn't say that demanding she do the same things for him is the right approach. But I understand 40/20s point of view. There are certain sexual things that I did with previous partners that I didn't enjoy. I won't do them with my wife because I didn't like them. I wouldn't expect my wife to try something she did before but didn't fancy.

If however I found out my wife really liked doing certain acts with another guy, but they weren't on the menu for me that would be a dealbreaker. Sounds harsh, but if she liked it with him why is not something we can do together as well? 

I spend some time on CWI and it seems that some straying wives do all sorts of crazy stuff then want to become vanilla again after reconciliation. I can't wrap my head around why their spouses accept this. "Hi honey I gave my best to this other guy but you get to have the old me." You're safe and boring and thats why I chose you. No thanks.


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I spend some time on CWI and it seems that some straying wives do all sorts of crazy stuff then want to become vanilla again after reconciliation. I can't wrap my head around why their spouses accept this. "Hi honey I gave my best to this other guy but you get to have the old me." You're safe and boring and thats why I chose you. No thanks.


Amen.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I wouldn't say that demanding she do the same things for him is the right approach. But I understand 40/20s point of view. There are certain sexual things that I did with previous partners that I didn't enjoy. I won't do them with my wife because I didn't like them. I wouldn't expect my wife to try something she did before but didn't fancy.
> 
> If however I found out my wife really liked doing certain acts with another guy, but they weren't on the menu for me that would be a dealbreaker. Sounds harsh, but if she liked it with him why is not something we can do together as well?
> 
> I spend some time on CWI and it seems that some straying wives do all sorts of crazy stuff then want to become vanilla again after reconciliation. I can't wrap my head around why their spouses accept this. "Hi honey I gave my best to this other guy but you get to have the old me." You're safe and boring and thats why I chose you. No thanks.


It's hard to respect yourself when you know these aren't degrading acts, and that you have been marginalized, but the other guy(s) have not...


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

> She has never made even a hint that she was into S&M stuff, did anal sex, or was bisexual.


Maybe she has never made such a hint because the OP gives her the impression of being vanilla. The post does not make it clear whether this is the case.

My husband would be absolutely horrified if I suggested massaging his prostate or trying anal sex or any kind of light bondage. I have said that I would like to give him a blowjob to completion and even that is out of the question. So there is no way I am going to suggest anything more exotic, much though I would enjoy it.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Hmmmmmmm.... 

One time poster.....
Penthouse Forum worthy letter....

Just sayin'.....


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Hmmmmmmm.... 

One time poster.....
Post made at 1 am ......
Penthouse Forum worthy letter....

Just sayin'.....


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> Maybe she has never made such a hint because the OP gives her the impression of being vanilla. The post does not make it clear whether this is the case.
> 
> My husband would be absolutely horrified if I suggested massaging his prostate or trying anal sex or any kind of light bondage. I have said that I would like to give him a blowjob to completion and even that is out of the question. So there is no way I am going to suggest anything more exotic, much though I would enjoy it.



Wait!!!

Stop!!!

Who would ever turn down a blowjob to completion. That's insanity!!! Haha!


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

dogman said:


> Wait!!!
> 
> Stop!!!
> 
> Who would ever turn down a blowjob to completion. That's insanity!!! Haha!


My sentiments exactly. Harrumph.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I for one would like some feedback from OP on the responses so far.

Why do I think I'm going to be disappointed?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

dogman said:


> Wait!!!
> 
> Stop!!!
> 
> Who would ever turn down a blowjob to completion. That's insanity!!! Haha!


If your in a happy relationship you may turn down one offered by a lady outside the relationship.


----------



## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

Think this is fake, Respond!!!


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Cletus, I can pretend to be OP and get all riled up...


----------



## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I find it interesting that men will eagerly watch porn as described in the first post...they will enjoy it immensely and consider their enjoying it as if it "means something about their sexuality"...yet when contemplating their own wife having actually had the same type of sex, now she is a filthy wh*re and how dare she?
> 
> If men weren't allowed to watch porn but instead, had to actually act it out themselves, I'm pretty sure most of them would decline that offer. But watch it voyeuristic-ally without having to take any risk in the actual HAVING SEX part of it? Sure, they will do that (passively watching porn) because "they like that kind of stuff". :scratchhead:


I would do anything with my wife that I spank to watching porn but I wouldn't want to find out she did that stuff with someone else.


----------



## jac70 (Sep 7, 2013)

40isthenew20 said:


> I would do anything with my wife that I spank to watching porn but I wouldn't want to find out she did that stuff with someone else.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

dogman said:


> I really think you have to know yourself and therefore what you will be ok with and what you won't be ok with.
> I know guys who've married strippers and ex prostitutes, I have no problem with them doing that. For me, it wouldn't work. Maybe I'm insecure or something but it would bring out the worst in me eventually.
> I had very high standards when dating and those standards weren't based on looks. They were based on character....haha! And ummm...looks.
> That is why it's so important to find out all the details that matter to you. Think of it as full disclosure like you have in real estate. If you know and don't tell, you're open to a lawsuit.
> ...


I remember the clown porn thread from a couple of years ago.


----------



## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

barbados said:


> Hmmmmmmm....
> 
> One time poster.....
> Penthouse Forum worthy letter....
> ...


^This.


----------



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> :scratchhead: Now why would she keep it?


I can almost guarantee you she doesnt even know this vhs tape still exists. I'm sure she remembers, she just figured it ended up somewhere all extinct technology ends up, the trash.

I think if she realized this tape was in the house, it would be secured/hidden somewhere in her personal belongings. 

I had a tape of me and a girlfriend that was taped on now defunct tech. I couldnt tell you where that tape is but I bet its in my attic somewhere.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If this is true then

1. Make a back copy onto a digital file and save it off site.

2. Take the step, and tell her you found it. That you were shocked and hurt and if ask her why she never offered any stuff like that to you? Or is the problem that you don't turn her on enough for her to get wild with you?

3. Realize that it wasn't likely a one time thing. That a woman getting banged by five guys would be pretty tore up unless she did it regularly, including the anal. But from your description she had no problems or pain, which means she regularly was doing it.

4. Ask her when she stopped having gang bangs and to take a polygraph to prove it,

5. Ask her which of her loves you've met?

6. Get yourself HIV and std and hepatitis tests ASAP because her life choice very likely exposed her to those diseases and you too.

7. Seriously consider divorcing her. People with pasts like to pull the past is the past card - what they conveniently forget or ignore is that the person in the past has the same motivations, desires, morals, and basic decision making logic in their head NOW as they did back then.

The woman who chose to be on all fours, get pounded by guys and have it all filmed AND kept a copy of it for herself, is the same person you are married to.

It doesn't sound like her decisions are the kind that you would accept or agree with.

She's still the same person who made those decisions. You don't need a person so morally opposite from you in your life.

I've got kids and I can tell you that the kid they were at 3 is very much the person they are when older. They have similar taste in humor, they have similar reactions to situations just more age appropriate/influenced but they are fundamentally the same person as they age.

Your wife has a wild side, it's still there - she just has chosen to never ever share it with you.

In other words she has been being false with you. Basically lying or playing a character with you.

Wouldn't be surprising to find she's got a second life on the side where she indulges her BSDM needs.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

hawx20 said:


> I can almost guarantee you she doesnt even know this vhs tape still exists. I'm sure she remembers, she just figured it ended up somewhere all extinct technology ends up, the trash.
> 
> I think if she realized this tape was in the house, it would be secured/hidden somewhere in her personal belongings.
> 
> I had a tape of me and a girlfriend that was taped on now defunct tech. I couldnt tell you where that tape is but I bet its in my attic somewhere.


Yet she obviously has kept it all these years.


----------



## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

troll alert.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sell it and make some cash to pay for a divorce!

keep a copy just in case.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> troll alert.


Even if this guy is, unfortunately there are guys out there married to the chicks in those videos that fill the internet.

And a lot of those chicks in their 20s did stuff like this and filmed it because you know "it doesn't matter whatever you did in your past, just enjoy it and don't worry."

Just like the teacher from Oxnard CA that had a prior career making porn films.

The thing is the past very much matters because it reveals your decision making and values, it can also come back to bite you.

There are no doubt many many guys out there where their dear sweet gf or wife is in fact recorded doing very nasty stuff and wearing an eager grin while doing it.

So even if this is a troll, there are poor guys out there for which it is reality.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> troll alert.


What?

Where?


----------



## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

she told him to throw out the box...so either she didnt want the tape anymore...or she cared so little for it that she forgot it was there...

I have been married 15 years and sometimes I like being treated like a w-h-o-r-e...does that mean the wife should divorce me??
Part of my would be glad she got this out of her system BEFORE the marriage and not during

I could NOT just pretend I never saw it...I would ask her about it...tell her you popped it in to see what it was, that you never expected her to put this sort of video in a box where anyone could find it (but dont get judgemental on WHY she made the video, this obviously turned her on at some point)

do people really think their wives lived in a celibate bubble before them?? How many men would dump their girlfriends if they new the true extent of their sexual past?? I bet the majority of men would be horrified, or concerned, or at least surprised at some of the sexual exploits of their soon to be wives...

am I the only one who went to college and was aware of the sexual experimentation most women participated in at school?? LOL

this tape is probably tame compared to stuff a few past girlfriends did...but not my wife, who was virginal and pristine when I met her


----------



## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> trey....No, I wouldn't wonder those things because I understand that our previous sex lives have nothing to do with each other.


this!!!

If my wife came to me wanting to know about my past, to better understand who I currently AM...thats great!

BUT...if my wife came to me wanting to punish me for something I did LONG BEFORE HER, id tell her to hit the road and please LET the door hit you in the ass

wanting to know more about this is fine, I would...but please dont make it seem like she is being punished for something she did before she even knew you

maybe she LOVED it...maybe it was a did it, done it, over it experimentation...SHE did keep the tape, but it was in a box she told you to throw out...to me this sounds like something old from her past that just doesnt mean much to her anymore...


----------



## lucky me (Aug 6, 2012)

WOW what a story I'm not so sure what I would do. Good luck man


----------



## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

^^ I would watch it from start to end...until it was successfully added to my spank-bank...just in case she wants to destroy it!!!


----------



## GingerAle (Oct 13, 2013)

Any updates? Did we really just get trolled?

LMAO!

GINGER


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> There are no doubt many many guys out there where their dear sweet gf or wife is in fact recorded doing very nasty stuff and wearing an eager grin while doing it.
> 
> So even if this is a troll, there are poor guys out there for which it is reality.


For every woman out there with a porn past you're willing to call depraved, there's ten thousand men about whom you'd better be willing to say the same who watched it.

Can't have one without the other.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Cletus said:


> For every woman out there with a porn past you're willing to call depraved, there's ten thousand men about whom you'd better be willing to say the same who watched it.
> 
> Can't have one without the other.


Cletus! Bravo! Wonderful! Fabulous! You are an enlightened gem.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I don't have a problem with my woman being a wh*re in the past (OP's words, not mine). I truly don't. That is, as long as she's as much or more so with me. Being that way in the past and then being a prude with me is a deal breaker. I wouldn't be able to stand the mind movies. If that makes me jealous or controlling or insecure then so be it. I just know that I would be suffering in that situation and I'd have to remove myself from it. But as long as I feel like I'm getting the #1 treatment I'd be ok with it. Good even.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Can't believe I posted on this fricken thread. I held out for so long.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I don't have a problem with my woman being a wh*re in the past (OP's words, not mine). I truly don't. That is, as long as she's as much or more so with me. Being that way in the past and then being a prude with me is a deal breaker. I wouldn't be able to stand the mind movies. If that makes me jealous or controlling or insecure then so be it. I just know that I would be suffering in that situation and I'd have to remove myself from it. But as long as I feel like I'm getting the #1 treatment I'd be ok with it. Good even.


The past would be over three years ago. Also they can degrade you biasing an older sex partner(s) over you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Thank you for saying that, Cletus.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Can't believe I posted on this fricken thread. I held out for so long.


I think this thread is now a free association thread. So.. Have at it!


----------



## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Blunderbuss. Defenestration. Hyperbole. Subdermaglyphic ridge patterns. Pomegranate. Smegma.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

That is the most insightful thing I've read all day, anotherguy!


----------



## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> ...So even if this is a troll, there are poor guys out there for which it is reality.


Are there? Who? 

Spinning wheels on bogus threads is a complete and utter waste of time. Lets not confuse fabricated 'what if' scenarios passed off under false pretenses with reality. 

'poor guys'? I dont know anyone like this - do you? How much debate and emotional hand wringing should we put forth when there isnt anyone ..you know... _actually_ in the situation? If its a fake post polluting the boardwith nonsense - perhaps making a mockery of people with actual real life issues and giving a skewed impression on how often this kind of caricature of a supposed situation happens - then I say there is more harm done than good.

Hopefully we try and do more around here than intellectual masturbation over nonsense.

This is when OP comes back now and says 'sorry!' 'really!.. Im am not a fake... I...I....had to work late....yeah, thats it!'


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

kimd said:


> Destroy the tape and go on with your lives. If she is a good wife, that is all you need. We all do things that we may regret.


Seven people liked this nonsense. 

This is why you DO talk about past sex lives. You marry people that have comparable values to you. Not talking because you BOTH agree the past is the past is one thing. Not talking because you don't think your partner can handle it is a HUGE mistake.

That being said, divorce her or deal with it. I hate to say it, but you made this bed.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

missthelove2013 said:


> ^^ I would watch it from start to end...until it was successfully added to my spank-bank...just in case she wants to destroy it!!!


oh yah for sure.:smthumbup::smthumbup:


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cletus said:


> For every woman out there with a porn past you're willing to call depraved, there's ten thousand men about whom you'd better be willing to say the same who watched it.
> 
> Can't have one without the other.


Oh I agree, though a lot of people watching are women too.

That said, there are a couple things to consider 

1. The past doesn't always stay in the past. What if the sex tapes get uploaded and later found out. As in the teacher from Oxnard? She's not the only one that's happened too btw. 

So don't you think you have a right to know if your future or current spouse may one day get called out publicly for appearing in a porn flict? This costs people jobs as well as humiliation and shame for any kids you have.

2. I do wonder how women would feel if they found out there guy had experimented being gay porn, or even gay bsdm stuff and it was filmed? 


It's extremely naive to thing the past stays in the past anymore, and it's also naive to think that past experiments may not affect your current and future lives.


My advice is experiment but always ask how the experiments will impact you down the road and even potentially how it would affect your own goals, family, and children. Especially if they become public later.

Anyone who lets them self be recorded sexually is playing with fire.

There is a very good reason why most models don't do porn shoots - they know it will kill their regular career down the road.

You may not think its fair but it is the way of the world.

Just like if you want to experiment being a communist in your 20 don't expect your career where you need security clearance to ever get off the ground.


----------



## AMRAP (Feb 21, 2013)

I doubt this is real but if this happened to me I would be totally fine with it. I would talk to my W to make sure our sex life was currently fulfilling her desires. 

If our sex life was vanilla and unsatisfying I'd be very suspicious of what is going on behind my back. I would start investigating right away. After investigating and finding nothing, I would talk to her about the video and get some answers regarding the difference between her sex life now and then.

This is certainly a much better situation than being married to an LD woman!


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

If it were my husband on the tape, I'd ask him to try some new stuff with me ASAP.


----------



## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Can't believe I posted on this fricken thread. I held out for so long.


I'm still holding out. 

Damn, I guess I'm not.


----------



## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

anotherguy said:


> Blunderbuss. Defenestration. Hyperbole. Subdermaglyphic ridge patterns. Pomegranate. Smegma.


Winner!:smthumbup:


----------



## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Resisting posting on this thread is kind of like being the master of your domain.

I'm out! Elaine?


----------



## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

I just want to know how the tape ended...


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I still find it curious why she didn't destroy it =/

Does she pull it out and watch it from time to time? :scratchhead:


----------



## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

I think someone posted a similar story about a year ago. Just sayin...


----------



## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

jaharthur said:


> Resisting posting on this thread is kind of like being the mastur of your Bation.
> 
> I'm out! Elaine?


fixed it


----------



## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

moco82 said:


> I just want to know how the tape ended...


how do MOST porn scenes end??

lets just say the op's wife probably needed a few towels...or wet knaps at least


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

moco, it ended with the people on the tape gathering around yahoo answers and looking for a new question.

Then they all sang "What Does the Fox Say?"


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

TikiKeen said:


> moco, it ended with the people on the tape gathering around yahoo answers and looking for a new question.
> 
> Then they all sang "What Does the Fox Say?"


Honey, I found this porn tape in the attic and I started masterbating to it and I realized it was you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mark33 (Oct 29, 2013)

If this is true he should post the video for us to see
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

mark33 said:


> If this is true he should post the video for us to see
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The video may shame us to see it for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Coach8 (Jun 17, 2013)

I would hand her a dog collar and say " I think you know what to do with this."


----------



## jerseygirl123 (Jun 1, 2013)

I am really sorry this has happened to you. I had a similarly painful experience finding photographs that my ex husband had taken. I was shocked. I copied them all, and kept them on a disk. I didn't say anything for months. I think I wanted to keep the pictures as ammunition. When the marriage was pretty much over, I told him I knew about the pictures. I wish we had gone to counseling when I had found them.


----------



## Coach8 (Jun 17, 2013)

jerseygirl123 said:


> I am really sorry this has happened to you. I had a similarly painful experience finding photographs that my ex husband had taken. I was shocked. I copied them all, and kept them on a disk. I didn't say anything for months. I think I wanted to keep the pictures as ammunition. When the marriage was pretty much over, I told him I knew about the pictures. I wish we had gone to counseling when I had found them.


Sorry for your situation, but the OP is a troll.tt


----------



## nancy.ramos (Oct 16, 2012)

OP, is this real?
If so, this is very disturbing stuff. You might need counseling to get over it whether you stay with her or not.


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Well environment INCLUDING peoples pasts shape a person. However, if she is a GOOD wife then that past does not matter.

However personally I could never look at her the same again. I think for most men this would be grounds for divorce.


Men like ownership of a woman its how we are wired, that video would make it seem like she is not special anymore.


Your call though


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Methinks that that videotape needed to have been totally destroyed eons ago, before she ever came to meet him!

That being said, just what kind of plausible rationale would she have ever had in continuing to hold on to the damned thing in the first place?*


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Methinks that that videotape needed to have been totally destroyed eons ago, before she ever came to meet him!
> 
> That being said, just what kind of plausible rationale would she have ever had in continuing to hold on to the damned thing in the first place?*


It'd be interesting to judge how long ago the tape was made.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

jerseygirl123 said:


> I am really sorry this has happened to you. I had a similarly painful experience finding photographs that my ex husband had taken. I was shocked. I copied them all, and kept them on a disk. I didn't say anything for months. I think I wanted to keep the pictures as ammunition. When the marriage was pretty much over, I told him I knew about the pictures. I wish we had gone to counseling when I had found them.


Why didn't you confront him about it immediately? When the communication channel closes down, so does the relationship. Sorry you had to go through a divorce.


----------



## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

I was so hoping we would hear back - even in troll speak. This thread was very entertaining! 


In real life, no woman would forget about that tape. We never forget anything!! Don't you men know that from bickering with us?

Most women would have destroyed that sucker in a minute if we ever thought hubby would have a problem with it. And the only reason to keep a grasp on a tape like that would be to make sure it didn't fall into the wrong hands (internet amateur porn makers?). 

I'm sorry, but any sane woman would have burned that thing years ago - even just out of fear that someday her kid would be digging through the attic and might find it. 

My husband used to work in videography professionally, and there is no way in hell I would let him put a camera on me - even though I know he would make me look good. The beauty of my youth will just have to remain a memory, as I will never allow it to become immortalized in film or pictures! Same for any past boyfriend. No videos, no pics.


----------



## Darkflower (Dec 2, 2011)

40isthenew20 said:


> Sounds like a bad soap opera plot. And the troll posts kind of fill in the blanks. But in the event that it is real, I have a somewhat shocking different take on it.
> 
> His wife probably doesn't know these people any more. Do you know and still see every person you dumped jizz on 25 years ago?
> 
> ...


What if this is activity with which she was experimenting at the time, and in which she is no longer interested?


----------



## Darkflower (Dec 2, 2011)

GettingIt said:


> It's okay to be jealous. But own it as your problem, don't blame someone else for making you that way.
> 
> My husband is a jealous and possessive guy--he owns up to it, he struggles with it, he talks to me about it. He never shames me or makes demands of me because of it. He doesn't use it as a weapon to destroy my sense of autonomy and self worth.
> 
> *Gawd, there is NOTHING less sexy in a man than insecurity masquerading as righteousness.*


AMEN! Liking your original post wasn't enough.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

MrK said:


> Seven people liked this nonsense.
> 
> This is why you DO talk about past sex lives. You marry people that have comparable values to you. Not talking because you BOTH agree the past is the past is one thing. Not talking because you don't think your partner can handle it is a HUGE mistake.
> 
> That being said, divorce her or deal with it. I hate to say it, but you made this bed.


I didn't like it for the same reasons you didn't. I also agree with your last statement.

However... I don't believe in talking about past sex lives, at least in terms of seeing if your values are comparable.

My values at 16, 18, 20, aren't remotely the same as they are now. These are not things that define you. Ever. People often do things that seemed like a good idea at the time. That excited them at the time. That they were forced to do at the time. Coerced, threatened, blackmailed, etc. Even if it was all willingly participated in, so what? That does not define you as a person in the present.

I know a woman who is happily married, has 2 kids, is a great mother, has morals, ethics and good values. She is a good person. When she was younger, she prostituted herself for a short while. No drug habit, and it wasn't about the money. There were family issues at the time, and it was her misguided way of rebelling and getting attention. Her past has nothing AT ALL to do with the person she is today. Nothing. You think her husband knows about this? Why should he? Some of you think that we have the right to know everything about our partners, and rationalize it by saying it helps us know their character and values. That is something you discover in the present, NOT the past.

(for the record, the woman I am speaking about is not my wife. Though she is a relative.)


----------



## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

It is astonishing to me that people would really believe this post. It seems way too out there for someone to be real. The fact that the OP…so devastated that he would not come back to see other’s comments makes it more suspicious. Hilarious if it is a fake..tragic for the OP if real. 

I think if a couple clearly embraces the “what was the past is the past…” doctrine then that is clearly one thing. For many men and women the past is not a dead issue. Many people, including myself have inquired about my current wife’s past in peripheral sense. I think if she took it upon herself to sexually service her college football team that would be something that I would want to know and would be a deal breaker for my. I think if I had been with prostitutes in the past (which my wife inquired about in a slick way) that may have been a non-starter for her. It is not that either of us think badly of people tht may do these things but, something we would prefer NOT to be in the past of each other’s life partner. I think that this is and individual thing based upon someone’s on tolerance levels which is personal. I think that if the OP’s wife had taped sex with a lover with some discretion, had same-sex encounters, or perhaps even a threesome these for many could be passed off as “normal college experimentation”. What has been acted out and filmed (group, sex including anal and S&M) here is on the outer edge of what most would be considered normal. It also goes WAY passed the line of what many would be considered moral/decent behavior. For a man or women to learn that their husband or wife was engaged in and for them to be shocked and outraged to me would be quite expected. 

It is astonishing are some of the comments here. That essentially she did nothing wrong….or that somehow he is being “insecure” or “jealous” or to say “she probably forgot”. Something like this would serve as juicy locker room/dorm room conversation fodder across a college campus or within any social circle. I mean the other "actors" would surely be calling their friends etc. saying "dude are not going to believe what happened last week..." it would spread like wildfire. It would likely be of such magnitude that it would likely follow this women forever. It is likely she would be known effectionately as the "whor# of xyz county or whatever... I mean really... she would forget this. If I had a sex tape with that kind of content I would NEVER truly forget that I had it. People who make these comments should really, really think things through before they post.

Thank goodness the practice of therapy requires license rather that just a user ID and password.


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Firstly I don't think we'll ever really know if this is real but who cares it does show a lot about other peoples thoughts and mind sets though!!!



lifeisbetterthanalternat said:


> Thank goodness the practice of therapy requires license rather that just a user ID and password.


You dumb schmuck!!!

And a lot of others out there who are being judgmental over his wife, who the frickin hell are you all kidding??? What has she to be ashamed of? We all have a past, some of us got our rocks off way harder than others!!! If you portray a picture of innocence and snow white then it is only a facade of what is really going on in your mind where nobody else goes!

As for him, as soon as he saw it was his wife he should have stopped watching and phoned her to make sure there was private time to discuss his findings, more fool him to watch it further.

For all of those bashing the wife and painting the husband as a victim in this scenario you are way off track, the fact that the tape was still in existence means didly squat, I found a love letter a year ago from an ex girlfriend from over 6yrs ago! it was in my pile of books and papers that never gets sorted and yeah 6yrs on still in the envelope inside a thriller novel from the 90's, the existence of the tape means nothing.

As for the actions of the wife in this scenario, I take it not many here have ever dipped into CWI and seen how heavy it gets in there as far as what people will do and how far they will go when the fog is up? Most of us went to college, I can speak freely about being involved in group sex when in college, the girls involved then are loving wives and have husbands and families, what they did in those days was what most liberal and liberated girls were doing, sleeping around and having fun with guys, yeah it may not of gotten "that" far but why think any less of her for indulging in her fantasy or her indulging a fantasy of someone else? 

Real life has taught me that judging others is stupid and more so when you judge their character based on behavior from their adolescent years.

If this story is real then I do think that the OP feels sickened by it, but maybe not because it happened but probably because he does not know his wife as well as he thought or because he wants to do to her the things he saw but has not the confidence to push beyond the sex life they have now, maybe he wants anal but doesn't know what buttons to press to get her to want it with him, maybe he too wants to dominate her but has a weaker constitution that makes him submissive, who knows but if he was more of a man he could take this as tool to learn more about what his wife was into and should think about what is lacking in their sex life now, if he feels there is something lacking at all?


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If you tried to have this conversation with her prior to marriage and she lied and said she never had a wild side than you have a point.

If you never discussed details of how wild she was she owes you nothing and the onus is on you to just get over it.

She had a gangbang when she was younger and hadnt even met you yet. Everything was consensual. What is the problem here?


----------



## Octobersky (Nov 3, 2013)

I found pictures of my wifes bachlorette party a couple of years after we had been married. We had both decided that we didn't want to know what went on the night of our last night of freedom. I wont lie I enjoyed my bachelor party. However, I did not document it! I found my wifes picture while packing for a move. She had kept them in her dresser. Now, her pictures where not as explicit as the OP video. The pictures showed my wife doing things that she swore that she did not want to try and found to be degrading. My biggest questions where, why did she do them and why she kept photos! We discussed things and worked issues out. My advice would be to do the same. There are many things that I did/tried when I was younger that I found I didn't care for. I wouldn't want to try them again. They were something that I worked out of my system. If the OP can't get past the video then It think the writing is on the wall!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IMHO one has to face this kind of thing head on.

I mean if you found something like this one would have to ask them selves.." could I meet this kind of need my spouse has or had? Will they want it in the future and go out side the marriage to get it ?

Maybe this wasn't a need but a blackmail or some form of forced act...then again one must ask if this tramua was treated or is it still a concren in the marriage for an untreated event relating PTS?

Granted folks can date for years and never find out that their future spouse wants to be hung upside down in oppisite sex clothers.

But you have to face the fact that you have new intel that changes the dynamic of the marriage and with that why would one risk facing it now rather then burying their head in the sand only to face it latter on in the marraige when kids and assests are involved?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

sinnister said:


> If you tried to have this conversation with her prior to marriage and she lied and said she never had a wild side than you have a point.
> 
> If you never discussed details of how wild she was she owes you nothing and the onus is on you to just get over it.
> 
> She had a gangbang when she was younger and hadnt even met you yet. Everything was consensual. What is the problem here?


The problem as I see it is the OP can't never meet the need his wife was for this kind of kink.
It would concern me that this poor guy will lose his old lady to some pervert when OP has a great oppertunity to be this pervert and reap what his wife has sown.

Hey don't shot me for thinking out side the box. Thats just how I'm wired

I mean it wouldn't be the 1st time a chick hide her true sexuality so as to save face with her husband and pretent to be the pure wife that only does missionary...while years before she hooked the husband she was being used by a group of girls in a dorm room while spnking some freshmen boys with a whip.

My point is we all need to be honest and its a damn shame we can't show our spouses how freaking we really are just to lie about our religious backround and the pure spouse bull crap...

I work with guy that would divorce their wife if she blew them off but getting some strange to do it is no big thing...wifes just don't do that kind of thing, but in the same breath the same guys wife is blowing some strange cuz she like smoking the pole but can't tell her husband....

How phucked up is that thinking.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You guys realize the OP hasn't posted since his original post, right?

C


----------



## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

This debate is ridiculous. The issue here is about being honest and up front about yourself. When you are not you take away your partners choices. He missed his choice to NOT Be married to someone who has not done this stuff.
Hypothetically of course...


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

He could always be grateful she wasn't into bestiality.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

PBear said:


> You guys realize the OP hasn't posted since his original post, right?
> 
> C


I think he got the reaction that he wanted, though


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Yep. I think the OP is real but the story is made up. Someone who posts such a story but does not participate in a week's worth of posts and discussion cannot be expected to be believed IMO.

As for the premise, I also believe the past should be left alone - the past is the past, indeed. I have a felony record that my wife is still unaware of, and I don't plan to bring it up with her, of course, having been so long ago. And I have been a good husband, with no violent behavior whatsoever. It is my business, not hers.


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Lying about a felony record would totally be a deal-breaker for me. it shows significant shame about the past, and selfishness concerning any security clearances the non-felon might want to get in the future. There really are instances (for jobs, for instance) where background checks are performed on all adults in the house. Not to mention the burden of keeping one's family form ever mentioning it to an unknowing wife.

Why would you not want her knowing how you got to where you are now, nuke? If it were my guy, I'd value the honesty and be even more impressed with the overhaul in values it took to be who he is now. if he didn't tell me and I found out, i'd question how much of his felonious attitude still might remain.


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Why are half the posters assuming that she hated what she was doing when everything points to the fact that she liked those things?


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> Real life has taught me that judging others is stupid and more so when you judge their character
> 
> maybe he too wants to dominate her but has a weaker constitution that makes him submissive, who knows but if he was more of a man he could take this as tool to learn more about what his wife was into and should think about what is lacking in their sex life now


Oh the delicious hypocrisy............


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Women mature mentally and physically sooner than men.

She was an adult when she decided to have sex with 4 men and a woman at the same time.

She wasn't forced to do this.

She enjoyed it.

She even wanted a copy of this on tape and kept it.

I doubt she forgot about the tape because women have better memories than us men.

Hubby finds the unmarked tape, plays it and sees his wife to be having orgy sex with many men and a woman at the same time.

Hubby gets upset and doesn't know what to do.

His wife should of destroyed that tape before they got married and moved in together, but she didn't.

I say, have him watch this tape, as she walks into the room and when she sees this, don't get angry, just say to her, you're awesome and I never knew you had a wild side. Lets do all this stuff together. She wouldn't expect that type of a response and it would benefit their marriage.


Now lets reserve the situation.

Hubby to be had sex with 4 women at the same time.

Hubby had a taped copy kept in the attic.

Wifee is cleaning one day and sees this blank tape.

Wifee plays the blank tape and sees her hubby to be having sex with four women at the same time.

Hubby and the ladies are enjoying themselves.


What do you think would happen to hubby? We all know what would happen...........


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

PBear said:


> You guys realize the OP hasn't posted since his original post, right?
> 
> C


At least he can make 1 more post saying











*GOT CHA*


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

ntamph said:


> Oh the delicious hypocrisy............



Care to enlighten, as you know so much?


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Post a link to the video


----------



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> Care to enlighten, as you know so much?


Hypocrisy is a the wrong word, cognitive dissonance is better.

Look at how the first sentence I quoted from you sounds while reading the second sentence. Do you see the disconnect?


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Not quite, show the point where I have judged him? I did write "if he were more of a man" although there seems a view of judgement I am in fact prompting not judging I can assure you.

Perhaps you are touched by this story? Anything you want to share in another thread?


----------



## soulsearch (Aug 2, 2013)

*Re: Re: Found horrible videotape of wife – what do I do?*



Anon Pink said:


> I think this thread is now a free association thread. So.. Have at it!


toast... 

and strawberry jam.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

TikiKeen said:


> Lying about a felony record would totally be a deal-breaker for me. it shows significant shame about the past, and selfishness concerning any security clearances the non-felon might want to get in the future. There really are instances (for jobs, for instance) where background checks are performed on all adults in the house. Not to mention the burden of keeping one's family form ever mentioning it to an unknowing wife.
> 
> Why would you not want her knowing how you got to where you are now, nuke? If it were my guy, I'd value the honesty and be even more impressed with the overhaul in values it took to be who he is now. if he didn't tell me and I found out, i'd question how much of his felonious attitude still might remain.


TikiKeen:

I have a confession to make. I have no felony conviction or record. I made that up. couldn't resist wanting to make my (real) point in this way -

To show how ludicrous it is when someone tries to argue that their past is "their business" - EVEN including witholding important information from a future spouse! *So* many people claiming in *So* many threads on TAM that a person's sexual history doesn't need to be divulged, discussed, that spouse-to-be doesn't need to know, will judge them unfairly etc. What I'm saying is that if one accepts such arguments, then why not withold other information that might bother a fiance' or make them think or reconsider things? Why isn't my 'character-related' history my business, my legal history, my financial history? I'lll decide what I need to tell her......

_After all just because I've made mistakes or acted a certain way in the past doesn't mean I'll do so in the future. People do change. I'll just not act that way anymore and what she doesn't know won't hurt her_. But as you point out, what she doesn't know may indeed hurt her. let her be the judge of that, not me. 
So let both bride and groom know about the other's sexual history, let them ask questions. don't kid youself into believing your ommissions are "your business" - you owe to them a revealing of the real you.


----------

