# For those settle in the divorce mode, good read



## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

On dating post separation, divorce, etc

Rachel A. Sussman, LCSW
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My client Mark* proudly announced to me the other day that he was actively dating on Match.com. When my facial expression changed from a grin to a grimace, he clearly was perplexed. "I thought you'd be happy for me, Rachel. I'm tired of feeling lousy. Dating puts me in 'active' mode and gives me something to do. Isn't that a good thing?"

Several times zones away from Mark, Tara* was animated when she phoned me last week. She had just completed three dates and had several new ones lined up. "It's hard to keep track of all of them, so I'm keeping notes to make sure I won't mess up their names. This sure beats sitting home and sobbing."

I am generally thrilled when my divorced clients make the decision to date again. I firmly believe that life does not have to end when a marriage falls apart, and with dedicated psychological work plus the passage of time, anyone can fully recover and love again.

Mark and Tara are wonderful people, both kind and intelligent, yet I find their philosophy typical of a large percentage of folks in their predicament. Nevertheless, it is a flawed philosophy, and they have no business dating at this phase in their recovery. You see, both of their marriages ended only a few months ago. They are both still in significant pain, they don't understand why their ex partners exited their marriages, or what part they played in its demise. They have not committed to my three phase building-block progression for recovery (Healing, Understanding and Transformation). They are lonely and scared about their future, perfectly normal feelings to have during a separation, yet they surmise that dating is exactly the tonic they need to move past their distress.

Although counterintuitive to most, I encourage my clients and especially the men in my practice, to witness their emotions and embrace their feelings. There are many good reasons to do this. Getting in touch with your feelings will help you process your loss. If you don't take the time to experience your grief, there is a good chance you will never fully understand why you picked your mate and why the relationship ended as it did. And if you can't comprehend those factors, you may be setting yourself up to choose similar partners and regrettably, have similar outcomes in the future. Once you commit to doing this valuable psychological work, as opposed to running from your feelings, your recovery will actually accelerate.

I fully get it that most of us are uncomfortable sitting with unsettling feelings or reaching out for support. Even today in 2011, men are not acculturated to admit weakness or to be passive. They are wired to be solution-focused and competitive. Women, on the other hand, have a need to have intimate connections, and can feel very disjointed when not coupled. For these and other reasons such as a desire to boost self-esteem, a need to get back at an ex, attempting to overcome loneliness, and the yearning to have sex, it is tempting to attempt to date as soon as possible to fill a void. In my estimation, these are never the right reasons to date.

I'm here to beg you if you're in this situation, not to jump the proverbial gun. Dating before you are mentally ready is simply a Band-Aid, plus it's risky. If you're not putting your best self out there, there is a good chance you will attract the wrong type of partner, and the last thing you need right now is a fresh set of problems or a brand new breakup. Also, many people, and particularly women, especially on legitimate dating sites, are looking for a relationship, and it drives them nuts when they discover their date is newly separated and not ready for a real connection let alone a commitment. This can become a complicated stew resulting in deception, confusion, and hurt feelings all around. If you take the time to heal and work on yourself, you'll be in a much better position to date in the future. You'll be over your ex, more confident, more self-aware, and you'll know exactly what type of partner and relationship you're looking for. Aren't these worthwhile reasons to delay the dating?

Until then, there are so many positive things you can do to keep yourself busy and engaged in the world. The best way to build or renew confidence is to engage in activities that are interesting, noble, and worthwhile. You can create new or strengthen old friendships. Pleased don't be afraid to speak to your friends or a therapist about your breakup. The more you talk, the quicker you will heal. You can tackle mental and/or physical hobbies such as taking a class or joining a sports team. You can travel on your own to someplace you've never been before. Challenging yourself to go beyond your comfort zone will make you feel terrific.

If you take time to breathe, process the end of your relationship, and strive towards your mental repair, you're going to be an amazing dater when you get back out there. So consider temporarily taking down your dating profile and giving yourself the gift of a healthy recovery. I promise you the rewards are worth the work.


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

Great article and thanks for sharing. I'm looking forward to checking out her book when it's released December 27 (Barnes & Noble).


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> They are both still in significant pain, they don't understand *why their ex partners exited their marriages, or what part they played in its demise*


.

Granted that both spouses may have contributed to the bad state of the marriage but to understand the 'why' may not always be possible. For unless the ex partner is willing to go to those counseling sessions and open up about why he/she exited the marriage, the 'why' becomes nothing more than a fruitless exercise in speculation.

I agree that a newly divorced person should FIRST learn to be happy with his/herself before attempting to create a new romantic/sexual relationship. I also agree with the premise that getting into a rebound relationship is not at all wise, but there is also the danger that a person may become too fearful to ever again become involved in another relationship, especially if he/she was the victim of marital betrayal. What then? How does a therapist approach resolving this fear?


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## Geeky_Guy (Dec 15, 2011)

This is an interesting article and really, just what I needed to hear, thank you. 

Now I am divorced for officially one week and "alone" for three weeks now. So I am craving much emotional and physical attention right now, and wanting a new relationship. I know that I shouldn't have one, but the emptiness is so strong at times, I just want to be held and loved. I've joined a gym and go once or twice a day to help me get through it, and it helps A LOT. 

I did also want to say, as you can tell from my tag, I am a guy and when you said "men are not acculturated to admit weakness or to be passive." this is not true. MOST men will NOT admit their weakness because it feels to give up their masculinity. However, I am that 1% of men (not occupy 1%) who do speak, tell their feelings, like to cuddle, and be honest with people. For those of us who do speak to people, and are in touch with our emotions, could probably handle dating sooner then those other men. 

Now, I'm not saying that I'm looking for a committed relationship right this minute, but if I happened to find someone that I connected with who made me feel comfortable and knew where I was coming from, there is the possibility that I would "use" her as a "rebound" gf, IF she was aware of everything, which with me, she would be. (now I'm not trying to sound like an A-hole when saying that last part, but I couldn't think of a better way to phrase that right now)

I'm just curious, what would your take on that be?


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

Do you think we need to learn from our failed marriage in order to do well in the next relationship or is it so different it doesn't matter?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

You absolutely need to learn from your previous failed marriage because whether we like to believe it or not, we played a role in the failure. We need to see what we were lacking or failed to do. For example, I could have been a better communicator with my wife. That's something I will be more cognizant of regarding future relationships. I also went against my gut reactions and took other advice that ended up enabling my wife's affair. I learned so much from that as well. Yes, all relationships will be different. But unless you change some of your old habits, you will remain the same.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I disagree with the entire essay.

If I ever divorce I won't go a week without female companionship of some sort.

I've had "break-ups" before and nothing gets me over one woman as quickly as dating new ones do.

Not everyone is as emotionally sensitive as this article implies
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I agree with what was said, but I'm not practicing it. I started another relationship. So far he's not like my ex in some ways, like him in others. I think I picked another non-communicator. So I haven't learned, I guess. But this guy is an adult, unlike my ex. Well, I'm doing the best I can and really I didn't expect anything to come out of the dating I was doing. I was pretty upfront about my status on the first date. I don't know how serious we really are, and that's fine with me. 

I have learned some things from my divorce and know that I need to not take someone for granted in a relationship, and I need to fight my depression. I really don't want a non-communicator, so that's something I need to really take a look at with this new guy if we get serious. My ex basically suffered in silence, got fed up and left without warning me. I think that might be a pattern I will fall into if I'm not careful. I need someone to call me out when I screw up, or let me know how he's feeling.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I agree with the essay, actually. Jumping from one relationship to another is almost always a recipe for disaster. Note: I said ALMOST so I don't need people jumping on me because it isn't the case. For their situation.
If it isn't, great.

This is the first time I have ever spent time with just me, and really focused on myself and what I need to do to make myself happy. I am tired of being co dependent on others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eastman (Dec 25, 2011)

Why did she want a divorce? I didn't make enough money, not intellectual enough, I don't like being around you, we have nothing in common....

I learned plenty as I sat in my apartment alone. It's very easy to realize you could have done this or that.

I wanted to seek counceling. She didn't. She had her mind made up 6 months before she wanted a divorce. The blood is on her hands as we a twins age 4. I have been divorced for 18 months. 5 yr marriage wasted.


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

I can't imagine that we won't end up in divorce at this point, he has been out of the house for 8 months, did MC but only to get along better when we are with our sons. I am trying hard to believe it, so hard not to want to communicate with him. Every day I promise myself that I won't, then I find a reason to send something. 29 years together, hard to imagine any reason to leave the marriage at this point. You are so right, I have been unable to get any understanding of why leaving is the only answer. I admit my faults, would love the chance to work on our marriage and keep my family together. My sons are so hurt by this. My chest hurts every day.


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