# are they in the beginning of EA?



## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Hi everyone. I need some help/advice before I have a breakdown. I will make this as short as I can while trying to fit in all the details. My H and I are "adventurous". We talked about threesomes previously, out of curiosity, and ended up having one several times w/ a great friend of ours. Health issues w/ her husband have ended our involvement w/ her, though she is still a friend. I was amazed @ how much closer H and I were, and loved the new emotional bond. We decided to find another "friend". Hubby met a woman, and right off the bat I had issues. She stayed @ our house almost constantly for a while, which quickly got old. She even worked @ my husband's business to help pay for the cost of her staying w/ us. After a few weeks of her being around, I began to have weird feelings, and was sure something was going on. Between work and then @ home, they were together more than he and I. I took my kids to a local amusement park for an overnight, and sure of my feelings, I planted 2 voice recorders. I was sorry I did. Though they didn't have sex, she did kiss him, and they had very intimate conversations. From my interpretation, she seemed to be developing feelings for him. H and I talked about all of this, and he very sincerely doesn't believe she is. I asked her what this or that comment meant, and she said she was referring to parts of her life, etc. I didn't and don't believe her. I have since got over that indiscretion, and have called off any future "activity", though I have attempted to be friends w/ her. She told both of us she really likes us as friends and wishes to stay friends w/ both of us, hang out, etc. I don't make friends easy as I'm always skeptical of people, so I tried to give it a shot. Last week we were sitting around the fire, having a few beers, relaxing. She got very drunk, and after hubby and I went to bed, she got pissed and left, walking down a very busy road. I was also drunk and couldn't drive, so to ensure she didn't get killed, hubby went to find her and drive her to her familys house. Now, she calls or texts him everyday, several times a day. The next day, nothing. I jokingly asked him what he said to make her mad. He said he told her that getting mad and leaving was BS, and it wouldn't be tolerated, and asked her what made her mad. She told him, and I quote, "She gets to have you every night". Since this comment was made, I haven't attempted to talk to her if she comes over, and last night told H I didn't want her over anymore. I feel she has feelings for him, was only pretending to be my friend to get close to him. I told him I didn't like how much time they spend together, or how she always texts or calls HIM and never me. He said she most definitely has no feelings for him, she's never said she does, and I'm being paranoid. We are now fighting because I threw a fit and told him to end the "friendship", that I wasn't going to allow the opportunity for any possible feelings to develop further. Was I being paranoid? Am I just being jealous? She acts very different when he's around, like she's trying to attract his attention. Wears very short shorts, skin tight clothes, etc. She is a very attractive woman, and I know that the sexual and physical attraction is already there. Am I wrong to demand her gone forever Please help me to know if I am justified. And please try not to judge me. I will answer any questions if there are any. This whole situation may lead to divorce if he pushes the issue of maintaining a friendship with her. I will not tolerate it @ this point. Thank you all so much!
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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Yes, it's an affair. Obviously it's an odd situation since the sex happened right off the bat and out in the open.

You have unusual boundaries with your husband, i.e. sex with other women is OK, but emotions are not. But, they are your boundaries. If he won't respect them, then you need to assert yourself.

Read up on the 180 method. You may need to move toward separation or divorce if he's unwilling to put you above the other woman.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

If you're going to have an open marriage like that (and yes having a play friend is an open marriage) you need to keep the doors of communication wide open as to what the boundaries are and if one partner has any hesitation or issue then it's a no-go, end of story. Personally, I don't think such arrangements work for most people and often are last gasps at keeping a marriage together but I do recognize that such things are fine if both partners consent and agree to clear and concise boundaries.

as far as your last statement-

"This whole situation may lead to divorce if he pushes the issue of maintaining a friendship with her."

you're damn right it will, and make damn sure he knows this- he has to make a choice, you or her. I also recommend ending any group fun until you have established a very solid foundation, if at all.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

It's an EA and with the kissing its a PA as well. You are not paranoid and have every right to demand that he end the "friendship" because of it.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

it is odd @ first glance. Sex is purely physical, and can happen without emotions. I've done it. Lol. When I first told him I felt neglected bcs they spent so much time together, he did make it a priority to show me more attention, especially if she was over. I believe EA's are more destructive to a marriage. And to be clear, they DID NOT have sex together. Thank you for your reply.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And this is exactly why I would never have a threesome.

You both need to end all contact with her. It's clear she wants on your husband.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

He told her last night that we will not be doing anything--hanging out, talking, nothing--anymore.
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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Also, there were never these issues w/ the other woman. It was actually a really good experience, and I can honestly say I'm glad we did it. We have agreed though to no more adventurous activity. Ever.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I can't imagine it was a good experience if all this bad came from it.

But hey, only you know.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

The first woman was a good experience. The whole thing was my idea to begin with. It brought my husband and I so close, which I didn't think was possible bcs we were very close at that time. That's why we discussed continuing it once in a while after our friend was unavailable. This new one is a whacko!
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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

I have told my hubby that he was in the midst of an EA. Of course he denied it, still does. Says I don't have to worry about him developing feelings for someone else cuz he luvs me, and is in luv w/ me, and doesn't want anyone else. Told him he can't control her feelings/thoughts. Read that most people involved in EA's don't even realize it. Who knows? I thank everyone. I needed some comfirmation and verification from nonjudgmental ppl. Can't talk to my friends about this one.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> Read that most people involved in EA's don't even realize it.


No. People involved in EAs do know and realize it. 

They just deny it.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Makes sense, especially when the spouse is saying this or that isn't right. I know if my husband says I'm acting one way or another, I look @ my behavior or attitude and try to change it.
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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> No. People involved in EAs do know and realize it.
> 
> They just deny it.



I agree and disagree

Agree that we know and realize it. (I was in one)

Not all of us deny it or lie about it. (I atleast had the decency to fully admit it when he told me he knew and I took all the blame, I told him it was not his fault and even though we had problems I was wrong. But by this time our marriage was already over not sure if I did it to get caught and end the M or if he deliberatly snooped so he could get out. Either way doesn't matter)

**I will say this though before others jump me for saying that**

MOST cheaters WILL lie about the EA or PA. Just I think its a little to broad to say we all lie about it cause I know several people who had similar situations to me that were honest with their spouse about the A.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dandri said:


> I agree and disagree
> 
> Agree that we know and realize it. (I was in one)
> 
> Not all of us deny it or lie about it. (I atleast had the decency to fully admit it when he told me he knew and I took all the blame, I told him it was not his fault and even though we had problems I was wrong.


What I meant to say is if someone is an EA, they do know/realize it and if they say it's NOT an EA they are denying it.

Kudos for owning what you did Dandri.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

I'm just not sure either if this woman has my husband truly believing she's trying to be my friend, etc. Can't get him to believe that ppl w/ ulterior motives put on fronts. So frustrating. Not sure if he's in denial or just blowing smoke up my ass. He was genuinely sorry when I confronted him about what I heard on the recorders. He really doesn't like hurting me, and he cried bcs I was so hurt. I just don't know who or wut to believe anymore.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No woman who goes behind your back with your husband is your "friend." That's not rocket science,


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

He was in the least in an EA with her. He knows it too. I can say with my own experience with my EA I had your story sounds very familiar with how an EA is.

He didnt want to give up his friendship with her at first????

I'm sry but if the person you love asks you to end a relationship not matter what that relationship is because it is affecting the marriage for a valid reason in the mind of one spouse, then they should end the relationship no if ands or buts about it.

As he did not want to give it up - I can tell you that is because he had emotions invested in her. Why else would he not give it up "cause shes a good friend" I DONT THINK SO! He had an attachment he did not want to give up and an attachment means emotions. thus an EA.

He is blowing smoke up ur ass he's trying to find a good enough excuse ull buy so he can continue as he was.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

No, I don't consider her a friend. Especially after her drunken comment last week. H got mad cuz I said that I will believe someone when they're drunk over them being sober. Told me I wasn't a psychiatrist and don't know everything. I've already asked him to not talk, text, or facebook communicate w/ her anymore. Guess I'll have to wait and see.
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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

I wish I could just get him to admit it, and see what one is. He just says I believe everything I read on the internet. I'm just tired of fighting. I really thought about dropping the whole issue bcs I'm tired of arguing. He told her after the recorder incident that she shouldn't call him or anything anymore. After a day or two she did anyway. I allowed contact bcs I had cooled off, and don't want to b a jealous or controlling wife.
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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Last night I asked him for reasons he likes being her friend. He didn't really know, just said she was fun to be around, wasn't nasty or into drugs, she's always up to doing the things we like (fishing, campfires, crwdad catching, **** running, etc).
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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

The thing is did u ask him to stop - YES

Did he stop immeadiatly - NO

Did he make excuses - YES

Did he let it continue - YES

Did he show you the respect needed in a marriage when you made the request for NC - NO

Is it an EA - in my opinion YES

if he is claiming denial point out to him one thing - is this "friendship" worth loosing your trust in him in your marriage? Tell him if he says anything other than NO it means he is too emotionaly involved with her therefore he is having an EA.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

I feel though that I'm just as much to blame bcs he told me she was contacting him, and I said ok ultimately, but the "extra fun" was cancelled, and would not be occurring. Mayb I should just show him this, and be prepared to fight.
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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

You can not blame your self or feel guilty.

I was the cheater in my M, I had an EA with a man online - I in no way can blame him for me cheating. I may have been unhappy, felt I wasnt getting attention and felt neglected, I felt like my H was not giving me affection in any way.

Was it his fault I had an EA - NO!!!

I made the choice - like your H is making the choice to choose a "friendship" over his W.

No matter the reasons behind his actions - u did not push him to become freinds with her and you certainly are not encouraging him to remain "friends". 

These are HIS choices, you can not be held responsible for his actions.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Thank you. I have decided that if I find out they are communicating, I will not hesitate to leave. He is my best friend and soul mate, but I will not tolerate lying and dishonesty. I do have my self respect.
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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you are not being jealous or controlling, you are simply trying to save your marriage and reinforce your boundaries 

if he's willing to put you first and foremost he has to do the following-

1) admit to breaking the boundaries of your relationship and do what it takes to fix it

2) agree to no contact, and if she contacts him he has to ignore it and then tell you about it 

3) allow you access to his phone and passwords and not demand privacy

4) answer and and all questions you have about the affair


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> I feel though that I'm just as much to blame bcs he told me she was contacting him, and I said ok ultimately, but the "extra fun" was cancelled, and would not be occurring. Mayb I should just show him this, and be prepared to fight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You shouldn't blame yourself. I am a strong advocate of cross gender friendships but both spouses need to agree to them otherwise these kinds of problems will happen. Just because you said ok at first doesn't mean that you need to let it continue. She is not respecting the boundaries which demonstrates that she is not really a friend.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I just wish to ask- did you guys ever discuss boundaries in your "swinging" relationship? That is always rule number one if wanting to start such an arrangement- again I don't judge and I honestly don't think it's the best decision for most couples but to make it work you have to have a solid set of rules and be completely open with what you guys will or will not do


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

Just remember this one thing, if you ask him is this "friendship" worth loosing your trust in him in your marriage? Tell him if he says anything other than NO it means he is too emotionaly involved with her therefore he is having an EA. 

No matter the excuse
No matter the reason
No matter the explaination

If the answer to that question is anything other than NO, NO, NO and NO - he IS having an EA.

Do not let yourself be decieved by what ever he says, do not reason it out, do not roll over.

If the answer is not NO to that question - IT IS AN EA!

Be strong and I wish you luck!


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Yes we did have boundaries and rules, and they were followed to the letter. Part of what made it such a good experience. With this one, rules were told to her, but have been broken. Complete disrespect for me as his wife and as a person.
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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Dandri--he has said its not worth risking his marriage for this friendship. She just keeps worming her way back into our lives (I miss seeing you guys, stuff like that). That's why part of me thinks she has him snowed too. I'm just not as gullible (or miss seeing her?) as much as he does I guess.
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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> Yes we did have boundaries and rules, and they were followed to the letter. Part of what made it such a good experience. With this one, rules were told to her, but have been broken. Complete disrespect for me as his wife and as a person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


well that's the best way to explain it to him if you ask me, the rules that were set up were broken and you were disrespected and it's the same thing as cheating even if it wasn't sexual. It doesn't matter if the the third party was the one who started it, your husband was certainly party to agreeing with it


good luck


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> Dandri--he has said its not worth risking his marriage for this friendship. She just keeps worming her way back into our lives (I miss seeing you guys, stuff like that). That's why part of me thinks she has him snowed too. I'm just not as gullible (or miss seeing her?) as much as he does I guess.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


time to block her number/texts/facebook etc


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

doesnt matter if he said no - he still has communication with her - you state that she is the one calling him and txting him - how do you know this?

cause he says? - heres a good questions if she is the one contact him does he respond? - if he is responding then he is in fact still in communication with her - if he wasnt hed have blocked her number or changed his number so as not to worry you to keep your trust in him.

this is what i was saying do not believe his excuses "shes the one contacting me"

Ok fine but y did u not block her number when she continued? cause you wanted the contact still - like I said he is in an EA with her.

If he was serious - he would have blocked the number or changed his number of his own free will - or called her in front of you and told her to stop calling texting or communicating with him or you in any way.

He didnt do this now did he?

He needs to understand that he can not have his cake and pie at the same time he needs to choose.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

I understand what you're saying. I know it was her who contacted him bcs I was there. He showed me his phone records. Now what is done or said when I'm not there is all together a different can of worms. She calls from a lot of different numbers, and a lot of times he doesn't know who is calling or texting until he answers. I've heard him question who it was even when he didn't know I could hear, or was even around. But it all better stop as of now. This is going to b a bad weekend for fighting, I already know that.
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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Something else I found odd, the night she left in a drunk fit, he came home, climbed into bed, and said thank you for not being crazy. I laughed and said I thought I was crazy. He said no, just protecting what's mine. Not sure what that means.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He is enabling her and playing into it if he has not taken the steps to end her contacting him.

It takes 5 seconds to block someone's # and to tell them not to contact you anymore.

So if she still contacts him, he hasn't been clear enough.


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

Since its the case she calls from many numbers tell him to change his number and block her from any internet sites he may have her linked to ie : facebook, myspace, twitter, email, skype or any other texting, chatting service he may have.

you can also get whats called and No Contact order from the cort and have her served.

and if she violates it call the police - if he violates it then you have your answer.

Now it may seem harsh but if he truly wants YOU not HER he should have no issues, problems or complaints with changing his number or banning her from any of his socializing sites.

Tell him if she continues you'll then proceed with legal action against her and if he violates it hes out on his butt.

be staight, be honest, be open

thats the best you can do and give to him with this issue - and its the best he can give you in return.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Changing his number isn't an option. He's self employed, and a LOT of his previous customers can only contact him on his current number. He's had it for years, and clients from 5 years ago will call out of the blue. I don't want him to lose that opportunity for work. But the other sounds interesting. Guess I will see how things go and what he agrees to tonight and go from there.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> Changing his number isn't an option.


He doesn't have to change his # at all.

He can block her from calling/texting him.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Just have to gather up all her numbers and block em all. Lol. I'm sure gonna write em all down and call the odd ones when the phone bill comes in.
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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

I really do appreciate all of your advice, input, etc. Its nice to know that I'm not just making things up in my mind.
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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Any ideas how to go about making him know dedinitively that this is an EA? He's one of these ppl who think its either an all out PA or nothing @ all. I've tried to get him to wear my shoes, but he don't get it.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can't make him think/believe something that he doesn't.

You already asked him and he told you it wasn't. Accept that and tell him you feel more comfortable with him blocking her #/other ways she contacts him.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Ok. Thank you.
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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

ok well i can tell you what i went through and how i saw my own EA but as far as to get him to know if it is an EA or not well he knows already.

An EA has many aspects - mine had affectionate words such as Hun, Babe, kisses u, miss u.... You get the drift.

I talked to my OM about my personal issues with my H and about my M. I talked to him about my wishes, things I regret, this I still wanna do in my life... As you can see this is called getting emotionaly involved.

I began looking forward to his messages he would leave me on skype, and I was running home not to greet my H but to see if my OM was online.

Basically an EA is where you are leaning on someone else to give you attention and affection (understanding even). Talk about things that you should not talk about other than with your spouse.

Even if the OM or OW puts your spouse down in any way shape or form and you still talk to them - that is the biggest identifier right there - you see you should never let anyone say anything bad about your spouse no matter how much you may agree with it. If you dont end it there you are having an EA.

like the comment you said about her stating shes jelous cause you get to have him every night - he should have told her to f**k off right then and there - cause its your right to get him each and every night as his W. Not hers she is the OW.

Biggest indicator - every time she calls does he calmly tell her not to call - or does he get angry at her and tell her not to call and hang up on her? Or does he make some excues like "oh she lonley" - "she misses us" - if he is making excuses it means he wants to talk to her too cause he misses her as well.

in order to miss someone you have to have feelings for them.

having feelings means you have emotions for them - by continuing to talk to someone you have feelings or emotions for means you are having and EA with the person that is not your spouse.

I hope that helps a bit with defining what an EA consits of.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Update: he's sleeping in the garage. Made me tell her my issues. Told her I didn't like how much time they spend together, and I thought the time they spent together was inappropriate, and I didn't like the direction their relationsnip is going. Said she doesnt remember saying that. Told her it didn't matter, it was a "drunken confession", a Freudian slip. A look into her true feelings. He told me he's sick and tired of me thinking I know everything, and I'm not a psychologist. He's tired of my mouth running all the time, and he's sick of me always having to b right. He DID tell her that I'm supposed to have him every night, that I'm his wife, and its meant to b that way, and I can have him whenever I want. Her reply to that on that night was "well I hope she's got her head out of the garbage when u get home so you can f*** her some more!" Anyway, we are in a heated argument as we speak.
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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

P.s. I was so drunk that night I got sick. Oops!
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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Ok. I m so fed up and confused it's not even funny. One minute I believe he is having an EA, the next I'm not so sure. As I sed before, her drunken comments are a huge red flag, along with the previous kiss incident. We had a battle about it last night, and he says there is most certainly not any emotions for her. Would he care if she got hit by a bus, yes. But only cuz she's a friend. I know he loves me. Without a doubt. I'm not concerned with that. I don't like that they spend so much time together, between working and visiting, and I don't like where it could go if I'm not careful. I don't like that they talk every day, a couple times a day. Or text. Wutever. He does show emotion to me, he hasn't withdrawn there or sexually. I just feel she knows more about his daily life than I do cuz she works w/ him a lot. I just have an unnerving feeling about her, and I'm not sure if it stems from the previous incident or current comments, behaviors, etc. on her part. He got so mad cuz he says I don't believe wut he says. Told him I have no reason to. But I did believe he loves me. Sorry. Just had to vent. Just not sure what to do or believe @ this point.
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> Ok. I m so fed up and confused it's not even funny. One minute I believe he is having an EA, the next I'm not so sure. As I sed before, her drunken comments are a huge red flag, along with the previous kiss incident. We had a battle about it last night, and he says there is most certainly not any emotions for her. Would he care if she got hit by a bus, yes. But only cuz she's a friend. I know he loves me. Without a doubt. I'm not concerned with that. I don't like that they spend so much time together, between working and visiting, and I don't like where it could go if I'm not careful. I don't like that they talk every day, a couple times a day. Or text. Wutever. He does show emotion to me, he hasn't withdrawn there or sexually. I just feel she knows more about his daily life than I do cuz she works w/ him a lot. I just have an unnerving feeling about her, and I'm not sure if it stems from the previous incident or current comments, behaviors, etc. on her part. He got so mad cuz he says I don't believe wut he says. Told him I have no reason to. But I did believe he loves me. Sorry. Just had to vent. Just not sure what to do or believe @ this point.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't get caught in terminology. It's a woman interfering in your marriage. He ends it, no excuses or you have your answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Don't get caught in terminology. It's a woman interfering in your marriage. He ends it, no excuses or you have your answer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She isn't a friend, she doesn't work with him, she no longer exists. Her not texting or FBing him doesn't matter if she works side by side with him!
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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

I've put a stop to her working w/ him also. After the other day, they worked all day then she came to my house w/ him. I told him it was enuff, I wasn't dealing w/ it anymore, then left for my evening job.
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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> I've put a stop to her working w/ him also. After the other day, they worked all day then she came to my house w/ him. I told him it was enuff, I wasn't dealing w/ it anymore, then left for my evening job.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She or he has no interest in giving this up. He's protecting her over you. When he calls her a friend - she isn't. A friend wouldn't cause stress in your marriage.
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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

True. She's said several times after we fight about something (related to her of course) that she don't mean to cause problems, and she don't want to start anything. Yeah right! As of last night, h's problem was not giving up the friendship. He could care less one way or the other. His problem supposedly is me, and my mouth, and my accusations, and never believing anything he says. I guess I'm supposed to tell her not to call no more cuz I'm the one with the problem. She just called to see if I wanted to go swimming. I didn't answer. I feel its his job to tell her to not call. Thoughts?
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You continuing to talk to him about the same thing over and over is not going to help.

I don't understand why he "made you tell her your issues." WTF is that about? Why did you agree? 

You both should be totally no contact with her. Non-negotiable.

It's clear she has no respect for you or your marriage. Are you guys very young?


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

He said that since I'm the one w/ the problem then I need to b woman enough to tell her what my problem is w/ her. So I did. I just think its up to him to tell her to not contact anymore. I am 35; he is 37. In fact she said that last night, she respects me and my marriage and what we have. I just said I heard that right before I left for the amusement park trip, if she remembers correctly.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> He said that since I'm the one w/ the problem then I need to b woman enough to tell her what my problem is w/ her.



I think that was a d!ck move on his part. He should respect you enough to stand by you, not pin you against the OW. 

I would have been highly offended at that comment. 

NO CONTACT WITH HER. Either of you.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

I was. I wanted to hit him right across his face. She's still calling me. Lol. Will have to find out if they talked today, cuz her always calling him and never me was something I told him last night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Block her #. That way she cannot call either of you. 

Call your phone carrier. They can do it for you. Takes 5 seconds.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

I can't do nething myself. Account in his name, so he has to do it. Its not my number I'm worried about, though. Its his. I just won't answer, or ignore it when she calls now. Or I'll pick up and hang up. I don't answer numbers I don't recognize anyway, in case she calls from one of a hundred different numbers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he is truly committed to the marriage, then he will have the # blocked from both yours and his phone today. And he will tell her to stay away.

If he waffles or gives you excuses, you need to decide what you are willing to tolerate.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

I'm not willing to tolerate anything else. But I also don't want to throw my marriage away. Up to 2 months ago, it really was the perfect marriage. I guess if he isn't willing to do that, then I will just start packing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well of course your don't want to throw away your marriage. No one does. Thing is, if he is not willing to give her up, then you need to decide whether you want to live in an open marriage or not.

Maybe it's best to stay away from threesomes.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Yeah, definitely no more of those. And no, I will not have an open marriage. I will not be second best. And yes, I am going to tell him who he can and cannot be friends w/. Another of his complaints last night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Thing is, you can't be "just friends" with someone you f-ck. 

It doesn't work that way.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

And that's why I thought we could b friends. Nothing had happened yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm confused then. I thought you said hub had met her and then you guys had a threesome? Is that not what happened?


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

No. He met her for that purpose, but it hadn't happened yet. We were still in the "getting to know you" stages. Then there was the kiss a couple weeks into it. But that's it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I went back and reread this:

_We decided to find another "friend". Hubby met a woman, and right off the bat I had issues. She stayed @ our house almost constantly for a while, which quickly got old. She even worked @ my husband's business to help pay for the cost of her staying w/ us. After a few weeks of her being around, I began to have weird feelings, and was sure something was going on. Between work and then @ home, they were together more than he and I. I took my kids to a local amusement park for an overnight, and sure of my feelings, I planted 2 voice recorders. I was sorry I did. Though they didn't have sex, she did kiss him, and they had very intimate conversations. From my interpretation, she seemed to be developing feelings for him. H and I talked about all of this, and he very sincerely doesn't believe she is. I asked her what this or that comment meant, and she said she was referring to parts of her life, etc. I didn't and don't believe her. I have since got over that indiscretion, and have called off any future "activity _

So...where did he meet her???? How did she end up at your house? Why was she at your house all the time??? Where does she live that she needs to be in your home at all times of the day? Did you guys have a 3some with her or not?


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

He met her through mutual friends on facebook originally. She ended up coming over one day to meet me, and didn't leave for about a few days til I threw a fit. I guess her family is a bunch of druggies she don't want to be around, and we are "normal" ppl. She had recently moved back from florida and is saying with her bro and sis in law. Hubby initially felt sorry for her, and we agreed that if this is someone we were going to allow into our lives, we'd rather know wut was going on with her. Drastic, I know. And no, we did not have a threesome yet. Came kinda close, but not officially.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why did she just stay at your house? I don't get that at aal. She went to meet you but stayed a couple of days? Huh?

Tell her to stay far the f away from you.


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

i just read through your whole thread... wow! you guys really threw a monkey wrench in your marriage by inviting an unstable third person into a _two person _marriage. your first encounter went well because you had known this person for a long while, but to pick someone at random like that did you guys in. clearly, this girl had problems before meeting-up with you guys- didn't you guys even _check her out _before asking her to come over? i mean... who gets invited and decides to just _crash_ at your house for sex, and then stay for an extended period of time without being formally invited?:scratchhead: that should've been a red flag right there. i'm not judging you, but why would a third person bring more intimacy to a marriage made for two; i will never understand, but to each his own. how old is she, by the way. if she's young it could be that her previous family structure is keeping her from moving-on from the attention she's recieving from your husband(daddy)-- daddy issues. see what i mean.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

justsam said:


> i mean... who gets invited and decides to just _crash_ at your house for sex, and then stay for an extended period of time without being formally invited?


A very unstable and unhealthy person


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

> I guess her family is a bunch of druggies she don't want to be around


like i said. she had issues before stumbling across your doorstep. she felt connected to you guys in some way, and doesn't want to give that up. she needs professional help. your husband stringing her along like that is cruel also. he likes the attention she's giving him. clearly, she has emotional issues dealing with neglect from her family. you said it yourself- you're _normal_ people. she's equating physical love(sex), with emotional love(caring). these are two very seperate things. psychologically healthy adults are able to differentiate between the two. it seems this girl is not mature enough to delve into the threesome thing without being able to detach emotionally from the other partners. your hubby needs to be a man and end it before seriously hurting, not only you, but this person as well. he's being a jerk right now.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Him and her were facebook friends and communicated for a couple months before ever meeting her in person. He's very firm on knowing someone well before we go that route. She was actually very good friends in high school w/ his old best friends little bro, and that's how the connection on fb was made. According to what she said, she had a very good relationship w/ her dad, but he died 2 or 3 yrs. ago. Though she has said several times "I'm only doing what u told me to do." (He's told her before to lose his number and forget where we live, and she didn't call for almost 2 days.) At first she seemed very fine, normal, etc. But when she didn't leave, I began to wonder why. We had to tell her we are married, and need and want alone time, and u need to go home. She is 29:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

so she is younger than you both.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Yes. 6 as of last week. Friday was my birthday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

idnk, but she seems to want a sort of quasi family from you guys or something. you need to set some strict bounderies with hubby. as a fellow man, i know he likes the both of you fighting for his affections. you may not see it, but that's what he's doing. pitting the both of you against each other for the right to have him. he sounds like a total prick to me. either he cuts it off, or you walk. its that simple. you seem to be enabling him to continue to do this. put the scews to him.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

That's kinda what I thought too. And I do think he likes the attention. But I will not tolerate it. I'm his wife. I am most definitely not ugly. Even if their not having an EA yet, I'm afraid it will be soon if crap don't change now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

> Even if their not having an EA yet


oh... i think they are... you're kidding yourself if you think this isn't EA. again, either he stops, or you walk.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

At 29 she knows exactly what she is doing. She sounds like a bunny boiler who is nuts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Well, I think I'm leaving. Pretty sure of it. I made him call her in front of me to tell her not to contact either one of us anymore. But he tells her "I'm supposed to tell you blah blah blah." "She's got issues w/ the amount of time we spend together etc. etc". Mad cuz he didn't say "I think its best. . ." Left me to b the bad guy and the door still wide open.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You should not leave. His words to her were BS. Now he can block her number.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Exactly. It was BS. Its clear to me who he's chosen, so why would I stay and be subject to it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

ok its clear hes chosen to have this ea cause he like knowing 2 girls are fighting for him and its fuelin his ego.

tell him to leave, tell him that he should have made the right choice the first time you told him to not talk to her anymore.

no freindship is worth your marriage and since he cant see this - yet can see this - he just wants to be selfish and have 2 girls attentions. so take yourself out of that equation and tell him to leave - hes the one having and ea not u.

tel him it was a mistake to have an OM and this girl is not worth your thinking about anymore and since he wants her friendship irreguardless of your feelings he has made his choice and to go be with her since she is worth his risking your marriage he then deserves her.

HARSH - i know - i know you love him - the thing is he has clearly chosen - he didnt support u in this decision - he even made you the bad guy - he disobeyed your wishes in continuing a "friendship" with her - he has disrespected you - if thats not enough i dont know what is.

***mind you this is comming from the cheater in my marriage***

if I think this way he knows he is doing wrong just like i did, just like i knew i should have respected my husband he knows he should have respected u.

and btw member what i said in previous post - any other answer other than no to the question i had means he wants it - he said for you to call her - HA!! right there tell you he couldnt do it - when u made him tell her he said "my wife is telling me to tell you...." again AHA!!! he doesnt want to end contact - a spouse who truly doesnt care about this OM or OW in anyway other than if she got hit by a truck then he would have told her f*ck off your ruining my marriage dont call or anything got it? - but he didnt say this.

Im sorry and I wish you well.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Ok. So I laid down my rules, am being very distant. I thought long and hard about having him block her number, but decided against it. Why? I want to c on the phone bill if they are continuing to speak to each other. A lot will be determined when I get the phone bill next week. I did manage to get most of the numbers she calls from and wrote them down, along with date and time of NC call. Anything after that will officially decide my move. Anyway, we were sitting there last night, and I had to go outside for about 1/2 hour. Came back in, and he told me she called him, to c how we were, she misses us, etc. He showed me his phone. I told him that I appreciated his honesty. I wrote down date and time, want to c if he tells me of any future calls. Only lasted minute. Will monitor the situation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

This chick is just not getting what NC means. She texted me today just like old friends catching up. "What's up, how ya been". Had to explain that H told her the other day "NO CONTACT"! So she says she could just come over and hang out when I'm going to be home. SERIOUSLY?! What language is she speaking?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sounds like a rabbit boiler

start looking into legal means to block her


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> This chick is just not getting what NC means. She texted me today just like old friends catching up. "What's up, how ya been". Had to explain that H told her the other day "NO CONTACT"! So she says she could just come over and hang out when I'm going to be home. SERIOUSLY?! What language is she speaking?


The language of not respecting you.

Total bunny boiler and a clinger.

Block her #.

I wouldn't even be dealing with that.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Not to sound dumb, but what do u mean when u say rabbit boiler? And this number today was a new one not used before. She'll keep changing numbers, or using friends phones. Definitely thinking of legal means as this is just disrespectful and ridiculous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> Not to sound dumb, but what do u mean when u say rabbit boiler? And this number today was a new one not used before. She'll keep changing numbers, or using friends phones. Definitely thinking of legal means as this is just disrespectful and ridiculous.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Bunny boiler is a term that derives from the 80's movie Fatal Attraction. In the movie, Michael Douglas plays a husband who is cheating on his wife with a woman played by Glen Close. The OW (other woman) is a psycho who gets inside the family home and kills Douglas daughter's bunny and leaves its carcass in boiling pot of water. It is used to describe a psychotic OW>


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> And this number today was a new one not used before. She'll keep changing numbers, or using friends phones. Definitely thinking of legal means as this is just disrespectful and ridiculous.


To me this goes far beyond being disrespectful at this point. To me, it's scary. She knows where you live and is, at this point, harrassing you. Sounds like you've got a stalker on your hands. She does not sound stable. 

Let this be a lesson: Don't invite strangers off the street (or internet) to come and live in your home and sleep with your husband. 



am_i_crazy35 said:


> Not to sound dumb, but what do u mean when u say rabbit boiler?


Lesson time!:

_Bunny boilerFrom Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Bunny boiler is a pejorative *term for an obsessive and dangerous person, referring to a former lover who stalks the person who spurned them*. The term is normally used for a woman who stalks a male former lover._

_Etymology: Bunny Boiler--*The term derives from a scene in the 1987 film Fatal Attraction where a scorned woman (played by Glenn Close), seeking revenge on her ex-lover, kills his daughter's beloved pet rabbit and places the deceased animal in a pot of boiling water when he is away from home. The *scene concludes with the family returning to the house with the daughter in the garden searching for her rabbit and mother, taking the lid off a boiling over pot to reveal her deceased pet (parts of the scene were cut from syndicated broadcasts.)_

From Urban Dictionary:

_1. Bunny Boiler 

taken from the Glenn Close character in 'Fatal Attraction', boiling her Ex'es pet rabbit. 

after a relationship break up, the person who wants some kind of revenge, like stalking, or harrasment

'Man i can't believe kate, after we broke up she keeps ringing my place and hanging up when I answer, she turned into a bunny boiler for real!"

2. bunny boiler 453 up, 71 down 
Clingy possesive overbearing psycho ***** of a girlfriend. (think fatal attraction)

3. bunny boiler 379 up, 37 down 
n. a woman who follows or observes her mark persistently, especially out of obsession or derangement (stress derangement). A bunny boiler's mark is a man that she has had sex with maybe one time, usually this man is hard working and strives to succeed profesionally and in life. A bunny boiler's plan consists of plan A and plan B. 

Plan A: The ultimate goal of a bunny boiler is to fix her mark's life by interfering and/or setting him up and blackmailing him in an effort to force him into a horrible relationship that was never meant to be. The bunny boiler's goal is almost certainly a recipe for disaster and a fate worse than death itself. When the plan begins to fail the bunny boiler then resorts to plan B: destruction. 

The term is taken from Glenn Close's character in 'Fatal Attraction', who after engaging in a steamy hot one time sex scene with a colleague, Michael Douglas' character, she resorts to boiling her former one time sex parter's family pet rabbit in an all out war aimed at disrupting his life, family, career and destroy (emphasis on destroy) him for not wanting a sincere man/woman (nuclear family) type relationship with her._ 

Urban Dictionary: bunny boiler


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh, snap. Mori beat me to it


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

I see. Well thanx for the lesson. All of them. Lol. Too bad some have to be learned the hard way. H just got home so I figured i'd ask him if he got any calls or anything from her today. He said one this afternoon, only answered cuz he didn't recognize the number. Told her nothings changed. Crazy bitc*. Calls him after I just get done telling her yet again no contact! Wtf! Good thing I have guard dogs and stuff. And neighbors that watch my place. Plus a boss who's hubby is a cop! Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Another lesson: you can't trust anybody. Until my gut kicked in, I had no clue this chick was crazy. And hubby's ppl radar is better than mine. Glad I listened to my gut before it was too late. Granted, I had to make it scream @ me 24/7, but I finally listened. Better late than never.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

am_i_crazy35;379766 Good thing I have guard dogs and stuff. And neighbors that watch my place. Plus a boss who's hubby is a cop! Lol
[size=1 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


Good. Those things are mighty hard to boil.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> We talked about threesomes previously, out of curiosity, and ended up having one several times w/ a great friend of ours. Health issues w/ her husband have ended our involvement w/ her, though she is still a friend._Posted via Mobile Device_


Forgive my morbid curiosity, but was her husband aware that his wife was having a 3some with you and your husband :scratchhead: (no need to answer if you don't want or feel like it)


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Yes. They had an open marriage. He worked out of town for months @ a time. But when he was home it was their time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Thanks for the reply. That's cool that they had such as strong marriage with so much trust and love for each other that they could do that. Not for the faint of heart.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Yes, it is nice. But wasn't always like that, I guess. Almost split becuz of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Yes I can imagine, it's hard enough to stay married under normal circumstances without complicating it via an open marriage.

BTW how is your husband behaving at this moment with regards to Ms Bunny Boiler?


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

He's honest w/ me. I don't know if he buys the whole emotional affair thing, but he is sorry, and feels terrible for hurting me. This I know is true. I look for little things in ppl, and body language, attitude, etc. I'm positive we will b ok, and work through it. But he tells me things I want to know, even if he knows I won't like the answer. Its all I can ask for @ this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

That's a great update. Congratulations.

Is he aware that an EA is the sharing of intimate thoughts and feelings that should only be shared with one's spouse? After all, it's one thing to say to a member of the opposite sex 'Hey isn't it a beautiful day?' and quite another to say 'My wife is jealous of every woman I talk to'.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

I don't know. I've tried to explain it to him, but he doesn't get it. Or maybe doesn't want to. He still gets upset though when I ask him a question, or remind of a boundary or something. I honestly think its becuz he doesn't want me thinking of it, and reliving hurt over and over. He wishes I could just forget about it and move on. But he says he does understand, just doesn't want me dwelling and obsessing on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

DEFINITELY A WHACKO, Y'ALL! She contacted him again last night, texted him and said shed be over in 5 minutes to jump in our pond, she wouldn't stay long. He told her she was crazy, and if she came over it might mean death, and quit calling/texting, and hung up on her. So I texted her on the number from the other day hoping she would get it, if not, I tried. Told her she's been told repeatedly, quit being disrespectful and just get lost. I was very nice. Never heard nothing, so figured it was a friends phone and they think I'm crazy. Lol. That was 9:30 last night. This morning, I get a text that says whoever it is doesn't know who I am, why am I texting them. Apologized, said the message was for her, and she had texted me from that number the other day. So they say that this girl is great, who wouldn't want her around. Said hubby and I didn't, and she's not awesome, she's psycho, and we're starting to lose our sense of humor about it. They said that yeah, nobody can tell her what to do, she has a mind of her own, and lol, like they understand what I mean about her. I said that if she didn't get it through her thick dumb skull fast, she was gonna have the cops called on her. Instant attitude change. They say o I see, you're one of those ppl. I said no not normally, but I will to get my point across if I have to, and she's been told to not call, etc., and her disrespect is not gonna b tolerated anymore. They say, by the way, lose this number. I said believe me, I will. I didn't want anything to do w/ her or anyone associated w/ her, and I just wasn't sure if this was her phone or not. The next friggin text I get said cool, thank you bear. Hubby calls me bear as a pet name. IT WAS HER! Now, I knew that possibilty existed when I started, but geez! Wut kind of deranged person does that? Then she called hubby and said "your girl is gonna call the cops on me". He said believe him, I will do it. She's been told not to call, we don't wanna talk to her, and we were sick of her crap. I guess she got super mad, and said she wouldn't anymore. She said that the other day too. Did she expect him to run to her rescue and protect her from me? WRONG, PSYCHO! If she does it once more, I AM calling the police for harassment, or whatever I can. Just thought this was kinda funny. Instructed my oldest son to call cops if she shows up there, too. Told him she's crazy. Don't think she will, but didn't think she was a psycho either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well of course it was her. She is a looney tune. 

Block each and every # she calls you from. What other phones is she calling from? Does she have a job she calls you from? 

This chick has issues. Is she on drugs? And I mean that very seriously. Is she? She does not sound mentally well. 

Be careful. 

You guys have already told her numerous times to back the hell off and she's still at it. I would seriously consider getting a protective order against her.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

She's not on drugs cuz she's got no job. gonna have to have H call and get all the ones we have so far blocked, and hope there's no more. I can get her for telecommunications harassment so far. Gonna b a busy weekend. Even my friend (doesn't know whole story) said she's crazy and watch out cuz she's gonna try something. In fact, when I got that first text this a.m., she said she bets me any money its her. Do I just ask the police how to go about getting that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah the cops are the best source to ask about this stuff.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Ok. Well thank u for your help and ur insight. Idk wut I would've done without u guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)




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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Look into getting a restraining order
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

In my state u can't without actually being physically hurt. Justice, huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

That's a hell of a story. I started on page 1 of this thread out of curiosity and couldn't stop. That OW is crazy - no doubt about it. People like that are hard to get rid of. In addition to the cops you may need to get an attorney involved, they can often move faster than the cops can through the courts which is where any order will have to come from. You and your H need to present a totally unified front against her. If she detects any weakness between the two of you she will try to exploit it and use it against one or both of you. If your H won't join you on that unified front, it's going to be extremely difficult to run her off.

Good Luck.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Well so far thank God he's just as sick of it as I am. I thought that if HE finally said it enough to her she would just quit. She called him again this afternoon to tell him she can't listen to country music anymore cause we got her listening to it and since she's not allowed over anymore, its just too hard to listen to. WHAT?! He told her he didn't care, goodbye. Yeah, this ones gonna be tough to say the least. I agree w/ u about a lawyer. Guess I'll just take one step @ a time. It'll b hard cuz she's not threatening. Wut a mess. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

So I signed into all fb's @ my house to block crazy chick the other day. On her wall she says she thought she found her perfect man but turned out not to be so. One day she'll find someone. This was all on Friday, after I was finally able to get all the numbers blocked thru the phone company. Wonder if she was talking about my man?  Lol. Had to share, thought that was funny.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

How about NOT [email protected] around anymore... i.e.- not bringing a third party into a two-person marriage "smarty pants."


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Well yeah, we've already decided that. No need to b judgemental. Live and learn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Sorry... I'm mean no disrespect. I just wanted to get my point across, even if it was rather harsh.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> So I signed into all fb's @ my house to block crazy chick the other day. On her wall she says she thought she found her perfect man but turned out not to be so. One day she'll find someone. This was all on Friday, after I was finally able to get all the numbers blocked thru the phone company. Wonder if she was talking about my man? Lol. Had to share, thought that was funny.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hope you're right but that's one crazy chic. Keep your eyes open!!


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

That's ok Bri. I just worry about being judged all the time. Harsh, but point taken. Lol
Sigma, I m DEFINITELY looking for stuff w/ this whacko. Just hope I can give up soon cuz she's lost interest. 

Wut is it about other women trying to poach husbands? Geez!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

So, I guess this added enough "spice" to your sex life, huh?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Am_I... ugh it does sound like she was talking about him on her FB. 

Hopefully she's gone away by now. Is she still hassling you guys?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well she did say it worked fine with the original "playmate", it's just this new woman was a nut job and didn't respect their boundaries


cheating is where boundaries are crossed- for me and you BigBri, having a PA with any person is a no-no

for am-I, their boundaries were defined as being able to have sex together with a woman in the same room but nothing outside of that- and that's fine if they are both consenting adults

now, it's a good idea IMO for them to take a break (if not permanent) after this latest fiasco, especially considering that her husband broke the boundaries

I said it before and I'll say it again- swinging/open marriages/etc don't work for most people, but I recognize that some can enjoy it and not have it harm their relationship


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Hey... I'm an open-minded kind of guy. This just won't work for me. But for them... "whatever floats your boat." Just keep in mind that you set youreslf up for "incidents" like this when you dabble... know what I mean.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

BigBri said:


> Hey... I'm an open-minded kind of guy. This just won't work for me. But for them... "whatever floats your boat." Just keep in mind that you set youreslf up for "incidents" like this when you dabble... know what I mean.


which is why I think you have to have a rock solid base for it to work
that coupled with the fact that most of us have no real desire to do this (and the fact that finding the right people to "play" with is very difficult as evidenced by this story) is why it isn't the standard type of relationship


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

I wonder what are the stats for this... who's doing it(threesomes/swinging)... what percentage of the population.

I actually had a couple come up to me once. This guy was offering his wife for a regular thing... they call it Hotwife[ing]. Seriously... I looked it up. This lady was pretty damn hot. I'll admit, it did cross my mind... not about taking them up on their offer, but on the idea of trying it(as a single person). Who knows now???


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Well, she is not harassing us only cuz I blocked her numbers finally and her FB. As for [email protected], we r not going there anymore. We tried it @ first to say we been there, done that. The first couple times were great, and like I sed it brought us so close. Didn't know that was possible, but it did. This chick must have a way of manipulating ppl, I don't know. Up til now, I trusted him completely, and it really is out of charcter for him. I don't know how she got the rock to break, but she did. Just wish there was a flashy light the indicated secret psycho when u meet someone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> Just wish there was a flashy light the indicated secret psycho when u meet someone.


Don't we all wish this... but then again, these things would be going off like smoke detectors every 30 seconds- you know people and their "eccentricities."


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

True. Guess some ppl, mentioning no names of course, just have to learn the hard way. Lol. But @ least its a lesson that won't have to b repeated. Gotta love crazy psycho *****es. If nothing else, they make for good entertainment!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

At least you caught it in time girlfriend... it could've been worse. I'm curious though... if she wasn't as psycho... would you guys have gone through with it?


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

I don't know. There was always an uneasy feeling I had about her, so I doubt it. Could never get comfortable w/ her, and let her know "me". Instinct rules my world. Just wish I listened sooner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Her crashing at your pad might have been a very good indicator... who does that???


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No more OW...only OM and MFM 3somes!! Just kidding. :lol:


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

I know, I know. Hindsights 20/20. When I think back, there were probably a few flags I missed. Wish I was paying more attention. So funny, mori! Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Ok guys. H just found out I blocked the numbers. He got mad. Said its cuz I just go into his phone account and do wut I want, and go on his computer and do wut I want, and wut gives me the right to think I have the power to do wutever I wanna do. Reminded him he said he'd do wutever it took to trust him again. Told [email protected] least we ain't fighting about it, or anything else for that matter. Don't know wut to think about him getting mad. Opinions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Hasn't talked to me really in couple days. Not being TOTAL ass, cuz he did bring me lunch today, and an ice cream last nite @ work. Still doing little things like that. Think he's just trying to piss me off by not talking to me, or telling me he loves me, or kissing me, etc. Idk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Anything from the OW?? Kind of like watching kids - total silence makes me nervous.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

_"Stay tuned for next exciting episode of... *Crazy-Psycho B!tch*. Till next time kids."_

This program has been brought to you by- _Threesomes gone horribly wrong_. :rofl:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> Hasn't talked to me really in couple days. Not being TOTAL ass, cuz he did bring me lunch today, and an ice cream last nite @ work. Still doing little things like that. Think he's just trying to piss me off by not talking to me, or telling me he loves me, or kissing me, etc. Idk.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


stop the games and get him to open up or else this will get swept under the rug

he broke the boundaries and that's the same as cheating, he needs to show remorse and be transparent


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

They've already pretty much patched things up... where have you been?


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Well, nothing from the OW that I know of. Found out that somehow she wasn't blocked on FB anymore, though. But not sure if I just reported her and THOUGHT I blocked her, or if I DID block her and he unblocked. So I snuck in and blocked her again. When I get a chance, im gonna see if she's still blocked. If not, ****s. Gonna hit the fan. Not sure if talking has gone underground or not. But I am waiting for the cell phone bill (gosh its taking forever!) to check the "reported" calls against any others. I wrote down dates and times of all calls he's told me about. Just not sure what to think. But its sure exhausting. Thinking of buying blaster keylogger so I can remotely check his FB activity and see if he's deleting messages. Only if she's unblocked, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Sigma, y does total silence make u nervous?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Total silence makes me angry. LOL


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It just seems weird that she went from being batsh!t crazy and your H totally unified with you to silence from her and your H acting weird. It just sets my weird-sh!t-o-meter off. Don't know if you have kids or not so this may or may not make sense. If you hear kids playing for a while and then all the sudden you realize you don't hear them anymore - you better go investigate - odds are they're up to something and started being quiet because they don't want to get caught. I guess it's really not the silence as much as sudden changes in behavior. 

I think I'd investigate that key logger. About blocking her on FB, one thing I know from experience - if you unblock someone you can't re-block them for 48 hours. So check once a day, if he unblocks her he won't be able to cover his tracks for two days.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Yeah I have kids so I know just wut ur saying. I blocked all her numbers to get the point across to her. That's y we haven't heard from her. I assume. Interesting about FB. I will do that. Gonna try to do the keylogger tomorrow. He's gonna b gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Well, she's stayed blocked on fb. I installed the keylogger anyway. Just to make sure. No phone calls that he's reported. I've asked, he's said no. I do believe he'd tell me. Am I supposed to feel so guilty about spying? I don't think there's any other way for her to contact. Even if there was, I can't afford an more software! Lol. But I feel terrible. Is it normal?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Personally I would have no issue checking up on him - I do it to my wife every great once in a while and I was the wayward. Transparency should be part of a marriage. Inspect what you expect!!


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

I know, but I guess I just feel kinda guilty. He's been telling me the truth, and he's trying, and part of me feels like I should just trust him, though maybe not completely. Other part of me says no trust again ever. You lied once, so. . .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> I know, but I guess I just feel kinda guilty. He's been telling me the truth, and he's trying, and part of me feels like I should just trust him, though maybe not completely. Other part of me says no trust again ever. You lied once, so. . .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You should feel no guilt whatsoever. In fact, it's your right until you have healed enough to feel comfortable. Check out the link.

Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights « betrayed but recovering


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Wonderful article. Im sure I will refer to it often. Thank you. I don't feel so bad now. And that's why I installed the keylogger-not to catch him lying, but because I WANT to trust him fully again. I want to prove myself wrong. My gut isn't telling me anything, but I've been known to not listen before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

So I've been regularly getting the emails from the keylogger. Nothing to note since install until last nite. I named the OW as a keyword alert. I got notification that he searched for her. She was blocked, so of course she didn't even show up. Thinking seriously of unblocking her to see if anything more transpires and use the excuse that she's got the point, and I gotta start trust building again. There's been no calls, nothing at all. Wut is the general opinion on this please? Not sure if I should chance it, but want to know if I can trust him again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Me personally I'd write it off to a brief moment of weakness on his part and just keep watching and then if you get something more I'd confront him. No way I'd unblock her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

My only reason for even considering it is to see if he truly does respect my wishes by not contacting. If he's going to do it now, id rather know while im in the frame of mind im in rather than find out in a couple years and go thru it all over again, and waste more time. If I found out my boundaries are broken again, well, goodbye.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I totally get where you're coming from and I'm likely to get blasted for this but a google search isn't contact. It does indicate where his thinking was obviously, but apparently (hopefully) he pulled himself together before he violated your wishes and actually contacted her. I understand you'd prefer the OW was out of his head totally and completely, that may just take a little bit of time. I'd pay close attention but I would not unblock her - under any circumstance. It's kind of like door locks, they are only there to keep honest people out. A thief will break through them regardless, but they will deter an honest person long enough to help keep them honest.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

I understand. It was a fb search. Just wondered y he would even try to fb search her unless he wanted to try to message her. But maybe not. I will follow ur advice and just leave things as is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Any thoughts or knowledge of a phone spy for regular phones? He has internet access on his phone, but its not a smart phone. Would like to see texts also. Peace of mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

A fb search is maybe a little worse, but like I said I wouldn't unblock her under any circumstance. As far as spyware for the phone I know absolutely nothing about them but I know there are people here that do. Try a search of the forum or maybe post a thread inquiring, you know the people here, you'll get lots of help. Inspect what you expect!!


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Thanks sigma. Appreciate the advice. Will post new thread on phone loggers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

So I had a very weird tarot reading. Basically was all about this situation, and it told of future deception, not sure if its more to learn of this one or not, and it said conflict, and the death card. Not sure which one is ending--my marriage or the mistrust, etc. Also told of a new beginning, and that I need to learn to listen to my instincts. I was floored with it. Don't know wut to make of it though, really. Not sure which way I want to steer it. He said the universe is working overtime on me, that's for sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Any update?


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Things have been really good. No more searches for OW. Yet. Lol. H and I have r anniversary tommorow, 11 yrs. He and I talked again about the whole thing the other night. He admits his wrongdoings, and wants us to just be "us" again. So we will b ok. Still have a lot of triggers, but dealing w/ them is getting easier. I just hope things stay on the positive road. But me, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Awesome! Glad to hear it's going well and happy anniversary. Just keep communicating with your H. The two of you can be even closer and more connected as a result if you keep communicating and working through it together.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Well I never would have done it if it wasn't for u guys here. U all helped me to be strong, and gave me great advice. Thank u all so much!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Knew the day would come. [email protected] found another number and texted him today. Didn't recognize, so he called, and got her. Didn't talk. She called him again as we were sitting watching tv. Will block this one also. Just an update.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Well the good news is that your hubby did the right thing

Perhaps you should contact a lawyer for harassment?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Like Almost said - at least he did the right thing - that has to make you feel a little better. And, you also now know that you are right and justified in keeping your guard up for a while with this one!!!

As long as the two of you continue to present her with a united front against her she'll eventually go away.

Good job!!


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Yes, I told him I appreciate his honesty, and that my radar is back up full force. I made sure, too, not to be [email protected] him, so as not to deter future tellings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> Knew the day would come. [email protected] found another number and texted him today. Didn't recognize, so he called, and got her. Didn't talk. She called him again as we were sitting watching tv. Will block this one also. Just an update.


WTH is wrong with her? She is seriously psycho.

What did she say when he answered? What did your husband say to her?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The price of a happy and healthy marriage is eternal vigilance.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

He asked who it was, and she said "It's _____, you goof! I miss you guys." He just said he didn't want to talk and hung up. And I questioned MY sanity! Lol. I ain't got NOTHING to worry about there!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Isn't it amazing how some people can refuse to get the message - reminds me of my XOW.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Yeah, it is. I've noticed, though, that I am less and less surprised by ppl nowadays. What did it take for her to finally get it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your hubby should have made it clear on the phone to never call either of you again. She has a problem with boundaries. I would look into getting a restraining/protective order.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

am_i_crazy35 said:


> Yeah, it is. I've noticed, though, that I am less and less surprised by ppl nowadays. What did it take for her to finally get it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well I'm not sure I'm ready to declare that she has finally "gotten it," but I do think it's finally a real possibility. Basically, kind of like you and your H, we presented her with a hostile, unreceptive and united front. When she last started calling from call ID blocked numbers I knew it was her, on the 9th call in two days I finally answered and told her I wasn't going to talk to her and hung up. My wife then sent her an email telling her to quit the craziness and find some self respect. I think - I hope - that slapped her across the face pretty hard and she finally got it. We'll see.


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## am_i_crazy35 (Jul 15, 2011)

Well I hope him telling her he didn't want to talk to her instead of saying don't call here is finally enough. I know if I heard someone didn't want to talk to me, I would quit calling. But im not crazy, either. There was no calls or texts yesterday, so we'll see if she uses another number and tries again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Communicating with someone you're trying to run off is always a mixed bag but in my case I think the combination of my hanging up on her and my wife sending her that email which let the OW know that I am telling my wife everything and that she looks like an idiot may have been really effective. If the OW in your situation sticks her head up again, a one - two punch from you and your H may help? Like you said, we're not crazy so who knows??


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