# It is hard letting go



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Well there are some good things that come out of a bad situation. When I first learned my H was having an affair, I thought I could make myself more attractive and began working on me. Very quickly I thought to hell with him and did it for me. I enjoyed working out, helped so much to get through this and I enjoyed the affects. I just finished a 1/2 marathon! Going to do another one here pretty soon. I went from doing nothing to being extremely active. 

We are doing pretty well putting our marriage back together but I have changed. The person I am today would never allow what happened. 

I used to be pretty isolated too, just a few friends who I didn't see much. 100% focus on my family and any friends I had were met through my H. Today (a year and a half later) I've totally changed, I have a lot of new friends in my life. Suddenly I have more to do than I have time for, and yet I am able to balance that with my family and work. Before this, I felt guilty doing anything for me. Even working out, I felt I was being selfish. But during the worst of this, a year and a half ago my H actually had the nerve to say HE was in the best shape of his life and I wasn't...reason he was was because I took care of the kids,worked 10-12 hour days, and drove kids everywhere. Sure he had time, and had time to carry on with OW. 

His affair was pretty bad (not that any are good) but it was physical, happened in our house, at the end he flaunted it in front of me and lots of emotional abuse which spilled over to my kids. Even after caught he lied about it, trying to diminish it. 

It was made worse by some outside people three different situations in which people chose to publicly humiliate me by "informing me".. each time causing a set back for me. Apparently he was not so secret and I was "stupid" in the words of one of them for not seeing what was so obvious..

Its taken me a long time, I've had a lot of anger, resentment, pain, jealousy, you name it. Lots of tears. He's hung in with all of it. Every time I am stressed, upset, mad, it turns back to what he did. Frankly, I don't think I've been easy at times. 

But I feel like I am reaching the next stage and maybe able to let go. THAT is scary. I am so used to hanging on to this feeling, I know it, in an odd way its what I know. I feel like I'm about to jump out of a plane with a parachute but I don't know if it will open or not..because if I'm wrong and he does ever do it again, I can't see how I can go through that .....

That an part of me worries that I will turn back in to that complacent, isolated, naive person I was, that's not possible is it? Because I am happier with who I am today and I don't ever want to revisit that very dark time in my life. I had some very dark thoughts, and didn't think I'd make it through it. I had to reach down deep and in the end could only count on myself to make it through. I'm afraid to completely let him back in. We grew up together, we were partners us against the world. After 24 years thinking I could count on someone and that person betrayed me worse than anyone ever could...its really rocked the foundation of my world. 

Sorry to ramble....just scared to take that next step!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

It sounds like you picked yourself back up and decided that you were gonna make yourself happy. Thats great!!

I have some similar thoughts about my H. Its been laid out in front of him. If he has another affair, even if its an EA I am DONE. Gone and out of his life forever. We have two boys and of course he would be able to see them, but that's where it would end. I feel the same way as you. Here is your second chance buddy, don't screw it up LOL.

Its funny, I started going with my H to the gym shortly after finding out about his affair. I have never been overweight, but it is a huge turnon for us both to watch each other from across the room working out and staying healthy. Its almost as if I put myself last since we had kids, and then when I found out about his affair it just pushed me over that edge going "screw it, I am doing this for me, I deserve it".


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

AZMOMOFTWO~

I know EXACTLY what you--it's like jumping with no net to let go of it, and as yucky as it is, the affair is at least "known" whereas letting go and not holding onto it anymore is the "unknown" and a huge risk. 

From what you've written though, it sounds like you have grown and come a long way. I'd encourage you to be courageous and face the unknown...smile...and jump. You are changed from the inside now and will never be that isolated, naive person again. In a way, that's a little sad in that some innocence was lost. But in MOST ways, you've matured and are a better person because of it, and that is a very good thing!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

DawnD said:


> It sounds like you picked yourself back up and decided that you were gonna make yourself happy. Thats great!!
> 
> I have some similar thoughts about my H. Its been laid out in front of him. If he has another affair, even if its an EA I am DONE. Gone and out of his life forever. We have two boys and of course he would be able to see them, but that's where it would end. I feel the same way as you. Here is your second chance buddy, don't screw it up LOL.
> 
> Its funny, I started going with my H to the gym shortly after finding out about his affair. I have never been overweight, but it is a huge turnon for us both to watch each other from across the room working out and staying healthy. Its almost as if I put myself last since we had kids, and then when I found out about his affair it just pushed me over that edge going "screw it, I am doing this for me, I deserve it".


Good for you! I think there is so much to be said for physical activity, it sure can improve your overall mindset and of course just being healthier. I was very average before, but definitely not in shape. Though I have been my whole life, when did I start putting me last? I found its possible to put yourself first and have enough left over to keep your family first as well. I feel I am a bette role model to my kids, eating healthier and being active. 

I love that moment though when I though "screw you, this is for me!" and it really is. When we completed that 1/2 marathon I was so proud of both of us. That was definately a high point for us both. It was actually FUN! So many great people out there encouraging all of us, I fed off that energy. 

Oddly, this change in me, my H told me makes me a lot more interesting as a person. Here I thought I was giving everyone the best, and I wasn't.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Affaircare said:


> AZMOMOFTWO~
> 
> I know EXACTLY what you--it's like jumping with no net to let go of it, and as yucky as it is, the affair is at least "known" whereas letting go and not holding onto it anymore is the "unknown" and a huge risk.
> 
> From what you've written though, it sounds like you have grown and come a long way. I'd encourage you to be courageous and face the unknown...smile...and jump. You are changed from the inside now and will never be that isolated, naive person again. In a way, that's a little sad in that some innocence was lost. But in MOST ways, you've matured and are a better person because of it, and that is a very good thing!


Yes that is it! Its the known. I get this image of a dirty old blanket that should be thrown away but I know it, am used to it and can hide under it. 

I do know there is still a vulnerability. At this point I have little ability to trust. Its like a fortress. I have friends, but don't confide. I expect them to let me down. I know this is bad. Trying to get over it. But the affair was the first thing and then there were a series of incidents where others betrayed me relating to finding out about the A. Its like my "friends" wanted to enjoy my misery. I know lots of them weren't happy, and had issues but its like they pounced on this...ok yeah I did need new friends apparently (and some actually hid it for him)..where do I find these people? Naive. I TRUSTED everyone. 

Our therapist explained the phases of recovery and he compared it to mourning the loss of someone and that loss is the loss of the innocence of our relationship. I think about that, and its very true.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Love your post AZ.
I know how scary it is letting them back into 'soul-mate' status. I'm afraid of it. I hear where you are and am so glad that you are happier with yourself and you DO deserve to be yourself again. Not for anyone else, but for you. Keep on going and going and going. Onwards and upwards.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> Its like my "friends" wanted to enjoy my misery. I know lots of them weren't happy, and had issues but its like they pounced on this...ok yeah I did need new friends apparently (and some actually hid it for him)..where do I find these people? Naive. I TRUSTED everyone.


Well it sounds like you do what I do: believe the best of everyone and then feel pretty disappointed when it's not true. For a while I did the "I'm not trusting ANYONE anymore" thing but honestly? That's not me. By nature I'm a fairly trusting person and give people the benefit of the doubt. Eventually I did learn one really good thing though. I neither trust nor distrust someone when I first meet them (like .... remain neutral) and then I give them some time to see if their actions match their words. If they do, they are trustworthy. If they don't, well they are not trustworthy and I can avoid them! 



> Our therapist explained the phases of recovery and he compared it to mourning the loss of someone and that loss is the loss of the innocence of our relationship. I think about that, and its very true.


Yep I was writing with Noona about this just the other day. The loss of the spouse can be painful but you get through it...but the loss of the ILLUSION is something I mourned for a long time. We all have this innocent illusion that our marriage is a good one and it will never be touched by something as lurid and an affair. That will never happen to US.  Losing that innocence is quite a blow! But it's no reason not to move on a let it go. It's just nice to put it into words and say it out loud.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

_The loss of the spouse can be painful but you get through it...but the loss of the ILLUSION is something I mourned for a long time. We all have this innocent illusion that our marriage is a good one and it will never be touched by something as lurid and an affair. That will never happen to US.  Losing that innocence is quite a blow! But it's no reason not to move on a let it go. It's just nice to put it into words and say it out loud._

Agree 100% on this. NEVER thought it could/would happen to me, no matter what shape our marriage was actually in! 

AZ - YAY - so happy for you! You are an inspiration to many! 

Thought I was doing REALLY well too but hit a rough patch the a few days ago. Been better. Just one of those things. I know some day down the road - there won't be any "bad" days just a memory of a bad situation that's done and gone. We're fine just been in a mood. Those darn images in your mind! 

Again, SO happy for you AZ!!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Thank you! You guys really inspire me. This is such a supportive group. I tried a few others, never stuck with them. AffairCare, I think we share a lot in common. I have said those words "I will never trust ANYONE ever again". I learned something about me. I hate being used, and hate being taken advantage of (not that others love it). I don't keep score, nothing like that. I do you a favor and its just that, a favor. No score. But I mean people who always take from you and never give back. Well I hate being taken advantage of this way. My H, seriously doesn't care. Lots of people come to him for favors (he's very mechanical) and when he needs something they are all busy and he just says oh well, and he means it. 

But I love how you said, remain neutral when you meet them, this is how I am going to approach new relationships with people. 

Thanks Mommy2! Hey and the rough patches, we all have them. My emotions are all over the place. I'm learning to go with them and use a little bit of discipline rather than let myself wallow I force myself to think of something else. Its hard work, easier to wallow in self pity!


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