# So, I think my wife is cheating on me



## Guy1975

My wife and I have been married over ten years and have three children (11, 9, 7). Over the past year or two she’s been going through what I would call a mid-life crisis. After focusing on the kids so much while they were young she is now trying to find a new meaning for herself as they don’t need that support as much. Anyway, needless to say, our relationship has been on an up and down rollercoaster during this time. 

And while that’s true, I never really suspected that she would be cheating on me until recently, when I happened to come across texts on her phone from one of her previous co-workers where she said things like “I miss you”. I thought that was odd but not proof of anything as they did have a close working relationship and she’s been unhappy with her job lately. 

Anyways, my suspicion antenna went up and I started to pry into things more, looking at her texts daily (or when I could unnoticed) and looking at her text log online (no message content, just a log the time a text was sent/received and from who).

So here is what I found: of the 478 texts she’s sent/received over the past month, 213 were between her and this guy. The next runner up, her closest girlfriend, was at 78. Hmmm….

And I didn’t find any texts on her phone for a while (she must have been deleting them), until this past week (I took pictures of them for my records):

First texts:
Him: I have a meeting at 3:30, but you could come visit from 2:45-3:30
Her: I can’t visit today, I have stuff to do. Perhaps wed or thur?

Texts from the next day:
Her: Sneaking out of work is proving to be very difficult this year. Uhg. Sorry… … sucks.
Him: Hmmmm….
Her: Mad?
Him: Of course not! You still may deserve a punishment though.
Her: Nice!!!
Him: I suggest you sneak out for an hour. 
Her: I wish, I’m still at work.

At this point, I’m pretty sure they’re having an affair. But I feel like I need more evidence before I confront her. I’m thinking of putting tracking/spy software on her cell phone.

Any advice? I’m pretty mad and upset and this whole thing is making me a mess inside. I feel like I need to talk to her about it, but I think I should get more evidence first. But even that is killing me!


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## ATC529R

no more evidence needed.... she is and has been cheating, and you're in denial.

soryy this is happening


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## Hope1964

I'd say you have a smoking gun there. What else could it possibly be?? I am so sorry 

Although you're right, if you confront with that she'll deny deny deny.

I say hell yeah to the spy software. Put a VAR in her car too. And keylogger on her computer. And anything else you can think of.

Stop having sex till you get whatever else you need - have you been tested for STD's?

Also there's a link for CWI newbies in my signature. Have a read. And keep posting. It sucks to be here, I know, but sadly many of us are.


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## tom67

ATC529R said:


> no more evidence needed.... she is and has been cheating, and you're in denial.
> 
> soryy this is happening


I would confront her with what you have and if she denies say ok then you won't mind taking a polygraph test. You may get her spilling the beans.


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## Hope1964

tom67 said:


> I would confront her with what you have and if she denies say ok then you won't mind taking a polygraph test. You may get her spilling the beans.


Except that then he tips his hand.

Right now he has no idea how long it's gone on, if it's just the one guy, etc. I would want to know, myself.

It's obvious she's having sex with this guy, but that's all he knows right now. I know I regret tipping my hand on D day and not finding out the extent of things before I confronted.


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## jerry123

I don't think you are in denial, you just want more evidence. But it will be a waste of money. You have all the evidence you need. How can she deny with what you have already. And the text where she says it's been tough sneaking out "this year". As opposed to last year?

The texting averages 7 per day with him. Your wife should not be texting another man 7x per day. 

If you have the phone number you could easily find out his name. And where he lives, and if he is married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ATC529R

I would not want to know anymore than that. I don't understand everyones need to spy on someone to find out what you already know....and find out things that will crush you. Accept it and plan accordingly. IMO

I just can't fathom how someone would do this with children involved.


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## Shaggy

I'd find more stuff before you confront. I doesn't look good at all.

I'd recommend a VAR voice activated recorder in her car.

Go through the logs and see when they are texting, and when the aren't. You want yo figure out the best time to catch them.

Also, it looks like they hook up either at lunch or right after work. What's her schedule like, use it to see when they hook up, and even try to find out where.

Check her credit card, look for restaurants and bars after work and look for hotels.

Do not confront too soon.

Also find out all you can about the OM, especially if he is married. Exposure to his wife is your very best first strike, much better tan you confronting your wife.


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## tom67

Hope1964 said:


> I'd say you have a smoking gun there. What else could it possibly be?? I am so sorry
> 
> Although you're right, if you confront with that she'll deny deny deny.
> 
> I say hell yeah to the spy software. Put a VAR in her car too. And keylogger on her computer. And anything else you can think of.
> 
> Stop having sex till you get whatever else you need - have you been tested for STD's?
> 
> Also there's a link for CWI newbies in my signature. Have a read. And keep posting. It sucks to be here, I know, but sadly many of us are.


I guess he could keylog the computer but 213 texts to the guy he didn't say besides the gf of any others he found suspect but I see your point


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## the guy

This is argueable enough evidence, but if you want a smoking gun then grap hold of your self and go all James Bond on her @ss.

I personally would get the spywere, VAR and keylogger. I would want undeniable proof so that my confrontation was more effective.

They way I see it is you have no proof they have met, "they were just joking and would never do that to you, we are just friends playing games..its just a fantasy and I'll stop all contact" 

Then your wife contacts OM at work and rearranges a stealthier way to contact...it goes deeper underground.

Confronting now will not give you the answers you are looking for, going colvert and quitely investigating will yeild more answers.

I believe she can lie her way out of this IMHO.

If you want to know if they have slept together then you need more. Do you have the strength?

Ive been there and it is one of the hardest things to do....looking your wife in the eyes as she lies to your face....as you wait for days for that smoking gun....day in and day out know that only half the story she is telling you. In my case I had the strength to watch and wait and I got what I needed to blow my wifes affair wide open.


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## Hope1964

ATC529R said:


> I would not want to know anymore than that. I don't understand everyones need to spy on someone to find out what you already know....and find out things that will crush you. Accept it and plan accordingly. IMO


Sorry, I am not familiar with your story. Have you been cheated on?

When I found out, I kicked him out, but now that we're reconciling I wish I knew more. I never looked at his phone to see exactly who he called and/or texted - all I have is his word. I never saw one of his email inboxes or his online accounts to verify what he told me about never actually hooking up with anyone - all I have is his word. It would have been a huge help to my own recovery to have that information verified. Now I never will.



ATC529R said:


> I just can't fathom how someone would do this with children involved.


 TOTALLY agree


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## Hope1964

the guy said:


> They way I see it is you have no proof they have met, "they were just joking and would never do that to you, we are just friends playing games..its just a fantasy and I'll stop all contact"
> 
> Then your wife contacts OM at work and rearranges a stealthier way to contact...it goes deeper underground.
> 
> Confronting now will not give you the answers you are looking for, going colvert and quitely investigating will yeild more answers.
> 
> I believe she can lie her way out of this IMHO.


:iagree: We all know she's slept with the guy, but the OP might still be swayed by the lies she will tell if confronted with what he has right now.


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## the guy

The good thing about getting more proof is you have the confidence to take the next step. That smoking gun validates and justifies the course of act you take.

I think you get more answers... the answers that confirms the hard stance one needs to take to stop the affair. 

You have a better chance of stopping the affair with a smoking gun.


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## the guy

Hope1964 said:


> :iagree: We all know she's slept with the guy, but the OP might still be swayed by the lies she will tell if confronted with what he has right now.


I was!


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## ATC529R

Hope1964 said:


> Sorry, I am not familiar with your story. Have you been cheated on?
> 
> When I found out, I kicked him out, but now that we're reconciling I wish I knew more. I never looked at his phone to see exactly who he called and/or texted - all I have is his word. I never saw one of his email inboxes or his online accounts to verify what he told me about never actually hooking up with anyone - all I have is his word. It would have been a huge help to my own recovery to have that information verified. Now I never will.
> 
> 
> TOTALLY agree


no, never cheated on.


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## the guy

ATC529R said:


> I would not want to know anymore than that. I don't understand everyones need to spy on someone to find out what you already know....and find out things that will crush you. Accept it and plan accordingly. IMO
> 
> I just can't fathom how someone would do this with children involved.


Its hard to except the unfathomable...the person you love doing this to you.

My point is with the evidence OP has is easily swept under the rug. Hell she may go straight for years...only to relaps later in the marriage. I say get the smoking gun and make WW face the reality.

Its hard to get a cheater to face consequences when they didn't do anything wrong except for some fantasy chats and make believe jokes between two friends. 

The smoking gun justifies the consequences a cheat needs to face to keep there marriage.


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## the guy

At the very least do a little more research on the OM. Who is he, is he married or does her have a GF?

This info is impotant in fieghting and stopping the affair.

There is no better way to stop an affair then to expose the affair to the affairs partner's spouse. 

At the very least find out who this guy is..again this info will have a better effect on the confrontation.


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## the guy

At the very least find out all you can about this ex coworker.

before you canfront you can expose the affair to his wife or girl friend.

there is no better way to stop an affair then to expose it to the affair patners wife or GF. THIS IS A MUST!


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## TRy

Guy1975 said:


> First texts:
> Him: I have a meeting at 3:30, but you could come visit from 2:45-3:30
> Her: I can’t visit today, I have stuff to do. Perhaps wed or thur?
> 
> Texts from the next day:
> Her: Sneaking out of work is proving to be very difficult this year. Uhg. Sorry… … sucks.
> Him: Hmmmm….
> Her: Mad?
> Him: Of course not! You still may deserve a punishment though.
> Her: Nice!!!
> Him: I suggest you sneak out for an hour.
> Her: I wish, I’m still at work.
> 
> At this point, I’m pretty sure they’re having an affair. But I feel like I need more evidence before I confront her.


 Sorry but you do not need more evidence before you confront. The above proves that she is sneaking out of the work for quickies with him. Better evidence than the above is hard to find and you should not allow this to continue as you wait for more evidence. Yes she will deny, lie and make up a ridiculous excuse for the above texts, but so what. No matter how good the evidence cheaters will always deny no matter what. The only one that you need to convince is yourself before you take action.

1) Lay low and secretly see an attorney right now and have him draft the papers for a divorce. Do this even if you want to try to save this marraige because your best odds of saving this marraige is if she believes that you are willing to walk away. She has lost respect for you (cheaters always do) and you need to get that back. She cannot be in love with someone that she does not respect.

2) Protect your assets as best as you can. 

3) Let her know that you know about the other man without telling her how you know. Tell her that you know that she is cheating for sure and that you do not have to prove it to her since she already knows.

4) Tell her that you are ready to have her served but wanted to talk to her prior to doing so. Tell her that you want to know everything from her point of view and that this is a one time offer. Ignore her denials and screaming and act confident.

5) If you want to try reconciliation, require full disclosure and remorse from her.

I am so sorry that you are here. Be well and good luck.


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## the guy

guy1975 said:


> texts from the next day:
> Her: Sneaking out this year. Uhg. Sorry… … sucks.


this has happened before!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## TCSRedhead

Hope1964 said:


> It would have been a huge help to my own recovery to have that information verified. Now I never will.


I'd never thought about it from that perspective but I can see where if you think there is a chance of reconciliation, you would need the details confirmed.

OP - you can bet she's already had a physical affair with this guy and it's ongoing. Set up the VAR and if you're able, continue to monitor the texts without her noticing. 

Set up keyloggers for any computers. Add a GPS tracker to her phone or in her car.


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## Tony55

Guy1975 said:


> Him: Of course not! You still may deserve a punishment though.
> Her: Nice!!!


You're in trouble my friend. I'm sorry, you're getting ready to go through the toughest thing you've ever been through in your life. *This is one of those bookmark moments*, pre and post, the marriage you had and the marriage that is. I'm really sorry.

You'll be confused for a while, and you'll make mistakes, and you'll redraw where you thought your lines were, and you'll backtrack and you'll regret some of the things you will do over the next few days, weeks, and months. You''ll get irrational, you'll cry, you'll compromise and then you'll get depressed and happy, and sad, and confused some more, and this will go on and on for quite a while. Get used to the idea that you will be going through this starting right now, and that you have no idea when you'll be able to think clearly again. Just try to do this one thing, when in the presence of your wife, try to stay as cool and calm and logical as you possibly can, don't scream, cry, get physical, none of that, that will all work against you later when you reflect back on this. Try to maintain a very confident exterior (you can bawl your eyes out later while you're driving around aimlessly... and you will), take the moral high ground, this is all beneath you, it repulses you, *whatever you do, do not grovel, beg or appear weak in any way.*

Stay strong brother.

T


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## kenmoore14217

Guy1975 you've been replaced, temporariarly at least. Sorry


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## hurthubby

I would try and get more info, when I caught my wife I jumped the gun and didn't have all the facts and I wanted to know everything. I can assure you that when you confront her she will lie about it at first. So the best advise I could give is gather everybit of info you can, this way as she lies you can show her that you have enough information to prove she is lying.


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## Acabado

I'd put in place all my snooping tools before any confrontation if you can stomach the delay. Why?

Because cheaters lie. All the time. They have to in order to cheat. The don't stop because they are busted. On the contrary. I can garantee you a very predictable scenario: You confront with this, she denie, then claims it's just a joke, turn things on, counter attack, deflect, gaslights you with lame, absurd explanations (it's not what it looks like, it's a joke, we are just friends, it was just fantasy, never followed thought, it was just one time last year), meanwhile she delete/erase every evidence and conoct stories with OM. Damage control is the natural reaction.

You need to find out ALL you can before; The extent, the lenght, the dept, the lies, the deception, how much in the past you must go to believe it was true/fake.

Compartimentalizers, skilled liers will lie to the deep end. Most of them will only admit what they can't deny. Sometimes even with "undeniable proof". And it's what you need before the confrontation. They deny, deny, deny...

You might find (on you own) the deception is too much to heal and decide D is your path. It might be convenient you do your homework on her back (finances, custody) and have her blinsided.

Even if you decide to reconcile having real evidence will help you avoid a good deal of the slow torture of TT. Another thing is you can monitor the aftermath, including the potential attempt to go underground.

I understand you want it done yesterday thou. I can't blame you.


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## costa200

The need for more proof only comes into play if you are already deciding to R... If not, i don't see what more is needed. It can't get more explicit than that!


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## sandc

Hope1964 said:


> Except that then he tips his hand.
> 
> Right now he has no idea how long it's gone on, if it's just the one guy, etc. I would want to know, myself.


"Her: Sneaking out of work is proving to be very difficult this year. Uhg. "

To me this indicates it's been going on since at least last year.


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## tom67

Yea I would want to confront with this it sounds like a ltr!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado

He's my weed dealer! You know, once in a while.


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## Acabado

costa200 said:


> The need for more proof only comes into play if you are already deciding to R... If not, i don't see what more is needed. It can't get more explicit than that!


:iagree:

Anyway, only with this I think is a good idea to line up a lawyer yesterday.


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## walkonmars

Agree with Acabado & others advocating finding more proof. Without knowing the depth, you'll never be able to even consider reconcilliation. Even when you get more intel you still won't know the extent.

Sandc is correct its been ongoing for at least a year. 

However if you're CERTAIN that infidelity is a dealbreakef & you absolutely wont back down then you can pull the trigger now. 

It wont end the misery but will end the sham. 

I feel for you and your kids.

Lastly, the OM needs to be outed. But not until you decide on a course of action.


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## the guy

I have a feeling it might be a on again off again deal...one of those every other month kind of things.

But who knows, only OP can gage that with her past behaviors and activities and mood swings.

I believe OP mention this OM a while back then died down.


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## Plan 9 from OS

Not been cheated on (that I know of...), but IMO the text exchange that you have is all the evidence you need. However, if you confront now you better make sure you channel your inner "hard ass" mentality and not take any sh!t from her. You know she'll try to lie her way out of this. But...when a married woman is sneaking out of her place of employment to visit another guy then it's over. If you have access to this text exchange and can print it. I'd put it right in front of her and tell her she has 1 shot at confessing everything. I'd also tell her that if you think anything she says is a lie as soon as she starts explaining this - it's over. Don't play games, don't beg, don't second guess yourself.


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## Guy1975

First off, thanks for all the replies and support. I've been wanting to talk to someone about this as its been beating me up inside and this has been helpful.

To respond to a few of the questions:
1) I know who the guy is and know where he lives. He has a wife and kids of his own. I met them both at a wedding a year ago or so. I didn't get a good vibe from him, now I know why...
2) I am in denial (although every time I read their "conversation" it makes me sick). Her behavior that I'm aware of is totally not right, but I need more.
3) Part of that need for evidence is to confront her and not have her weasel out of it someway. I know that's on me to not let that happen and I think more concrete proof is needed.
4) As for reconciliation, I have no f'in idea. We've been married for what seems life forever and I can't imagine anything else at this time. Plus, divorce screws kids up royally... and my kids are so awesome that I'd hate to see them impacted by this. 
5) I'm only in week 1 of this so I'm still kinda in shock. 

As someone posted above, I'm going to go James Bond on her @ss. Let's see what happens.


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## sandc

You could always confront OM. Tell him never to contact your wife again or the content of the text and emails will be delivered to his wife. That should cause him to throw your wife under the bus.


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## JCD

Guy1975 said:


> First off, thanks for all the replies and support. I've been wanting to talk to someone about this as its been beating me up inside and this has been helpful.
> 
> To respond to a few of the questions:
> 1) I know who the guy is and know where he lives. He has a wife and kids of his own. I met them both at a wedding a year ago or so. I didn't get a good vibe from him, now I know why...
> 2) I am in denial (although every time I read their "conversation" it makes me sick). Her behavior that I'm aware of is totally not right, but I need more.
> 3) Part of that need for evidence is to confront her and not have her weasel out of it someway. I know that's on me to not let that happen and I think more concrete proof is needed.
> 4) As for reconciliation, I have no f'in idea. We've been married for what seems life forever and I can't imagine anything else at this time. Plus, divorce screws kids up royally... and my kids are so awesome that I'd hate to see them impacted by this.
> 5) I'm only in week 1 of this so I'm still kinda in shock.
> 
> As someone posted above, I'm going to go James Bond on her @ss. Let's see what happens.


If you know you are in denial, than you aren't in denial. You are choosing to put off the hard choices.

If you think she will 'weasel' out of it, your heart already knows she has something to she needs to be weaselly about.

If you want to amuse yourself gathering more evidence while your brain gets out of shock, that's fine.

Will Kane gave some great advice.

Here is mine: use the evidence and text logs to determine their pattern. When you find this guy has been using long lunches and company time to go screw your wife, have your attorney depose his boss about his work schedule. He destroyed your old marriage. He wouldn't take a sledgehammer to a stranger's car, but he had no such qualms about destroying your future, your kids futures, your wife's future, and he certainly didn't think much about his family either.

Cheaters prosper by the forebearance of society. You owe him something, but nothing he would like.

Send a family Christmas photo to his mom along with the text messages. He'll blame his wife for her shortcomings. It's harder to blame mom and harder to avoid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor

Never reveal your sources to her. Don't confront until you have rock solid proof. Follow the wisdom the experts here offer. Figure out your boundaries and limits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson

ATC529R said:


> Man, you have 3 kids....do you really want to know **** you can never forget? *Just go out and get yourself a FB (plent of site for that)* stop trying to bust her and end up divorced. *The only way she will know what you feel is when she feels the same thing.*


Feel free to take your ignorant advice elsewhere. I truly hope you are not for real.


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## tom67

Guy1975 said:


> First off, thanks for all the replies and support. I've been wanting to talk to someone about this as its been beating me up inside and this has been helpful.
> 
> To respond to a few of the questions:
> 1) I know who the guy is and know where he lives. He has a wife and kids of his own. I met them both at a wedding a year ago or so. I didn't get a good vibe from him, now I know why...
> 2) I am in denial (although every time I read their "conversation" it makes me sick). Her behavior that I'm aware of is totally not right, but I need more.
> 3) Part of that need for evidence is to confront her and not have her weasel out of it someway. I know that's on me to not let that happen and I think more concrete proof is needed.
> 4) As for reconciliation, I have no f'in idea. We've been married for what seems life forever and I can't imagine anything else at this time. Plus, divorce screws kids up royally... and my kids are so awesome that I'd hate to see them impacted by this.
> 5) I'm only in week 1 of this so I'm still kinda in shock.
> 
> As someone posted above, I'm going to go James Bond on her @ss. Let's see what happens.


Good I wish SIL would have told me 3 months before I found out!


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## Will_Kane

Guy1975 said:


> My wife and I have been married over ten years and have three children (11, 9, 7). Over the past year or two *she’s been going through what I would call a mid-life crisis. After focusing on the kids so much while they were young she is now trying to find a new meaning for herself as they don’t need that support as much. Anyway, needless to say, our relationship has been on an up and down rollercoaster during this time.*
> 
> And while that’s true, I never really suspected that she would be cheating on me until recently, when I happened to come across texts on her phone from one of her previous co-workers where she said things like “I miss you”. I thought that was odd but not proof of anything as *they did have a close working relationship* and she’s been unhappy with her job lately.
> 
> Anyways, my suspicion antenna went up and I started to pry into things more, looking at her texts daily (or when I could unnoticed) and looking at her text log online (no message content, just a log the time a text was sent/received and from who).
> 
> So here is what I found: of the 478 texts she’s sent/received over the past month, 213 were between her and this guy. The next runner up, her closest girlfriend, was at 78. Hmmm….
> 
> *And I didn’t find any texts on her phone for a while (she must have been deleting them), until this past week *(I took pictures of them for my records):
> 
> First texts:
> Him: I have a meeting at 3:30, but you could come visit from 2:45-3:30
> Her: I can’t visit today, I have stuff to do. Perhaps wed or thur?
> 
> Texts from the next day:
> Her: Sneaking out of work is proving to be very difficult this year. Uhg. Sorry… … sucks.
> Him: Hmmmm….
> Her: Mad?
> Him: Of course not! You still may deserve a punishment though.
> Her: Nice!!!
> Him: I suggest you sneak out for an hour.
> Her: I wish, I’m still at work.
> 
> At this point, *I’m pretty sure they’re having an affair*. But *I feel like I need more evidence before I confront her*. I’m thinking of putting tracking/spy software on her cell phone.
> 
> Any advice? I’m pretty mad and upset and this whole thing is making me a mess inside. I feel like I need to talk to her about it, but *I think I should get more evidence first*. But even that is killing me!


*You don't need more evidence to confront your wife, you have enough now*. If it were me, I would tell her I KNOW she's cheating, she can come clean or I'm filing for divorce, and then I would do it. If she didn't confess or if her confession did not include that she was having sex with him at least once a week for the past year, then I would ask her to take a polygraph because given what you know, anything else is just not believable.

With that said, *if you are not confident in confronting her yet and feel you need no evidence, there is no harm in waiting until you get it*. After all, she has been having sex with this guy for a good long time - it started when they used to work together and continued after he moved on to a new job and has been going on at least since the wedding you attended a year ago. So letting her have sex with him a few more times while you gather evidence won't make much of a difference at this point.

*Get a few voice-activated recorders *and some heavy-duty velcro and put one under the seat of her car and also in the house where she is likely to talk to him when you are not around. Keylog her computer, use GPS on her car and phone if you can.

*Take a look at her text logs and call logs*. When do they have contact? Do they talk on the phone as well as text? What times of the day do they text/talk? *Are they friends on Facebook?* Do they message each other? At what times?

You mentioned a lot of texts to her girlfriend. *Does her girlfriend know that your wife is having an adulterous affair?* Does her girlfriend cover for her? Can you read the texts between your wife and her girlfriend?

While you are waiting for results of your investigation, do some research on other man. Get his contact info for his job. Get contact info for his wife. Get contact info for his parents and for his wife's parents.

When you get definitive proof of your wife's adulterous affair with other man, *expose to other man's wife first even before your own.* Tell other man's wife what you know about the adulterous affair, offer her copies of your proof, and exchange notes with her. Do not even talk to your wife. *Let other man find out from his wife and then call your wife to let her know that you know.* DO NOT LET YOUR WIFE KNOW YOU ARE DOING THIS, JUST DO IT. Don't expose to other man's family/friends or his wife's family/friends or his job YET. Save that for later if other man continues his adulterous affair with your wife.

*When exposing to the other man's wife, keep this in mind: * Other man hurt his wife and destroyed his family by having an affair, you only are going to expose it. It would be cruel to let his wife go on with him unknowing of his affair. It would be akin to knowing someone has cancer and not telling them about it. If your wife comes at you about "how could you hurt an innocent party" tell her that SHE and OTHER MAN were the ones who did the hurting through their adulterous affair, all you did was tell her about her CANCEROUS marriage so she could take steps to heal the CANCER of adultery.

WARNING TO YOU: Your wife may not feel the same way about the marriage as you do. She may have checked out mentally some time ago and she may be ready to leave you, and *you may not be able to save your marriage NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.* She definitely 100% does NOT feel the same way about you as you do about her - evidence her adulterous affair that has been ongoing for at least a year without a bit of guilt.

You have to be prepared that your marriage may end. *Do not try to hold onto your marriage at the cost of your own dignity and self-respect.* If your wife is willing to leave the marriage rather than give up her affair or comply to your reasonable conditions to save the marriage, then let her go.

While you are waiting for the evidence to come in, think about what you are willing to accept and what you are not willing to accept in your marriage during your reconciliation. Do not try to live with something you can't accept, thinking that it will get better in the future. Always keep in mind that SHE was the one who cheated and SHE is the one who needs to win you back, not vice versa.

When you do have the confrontation with your wife, try to get your wife alone, no kids, no interruptions. Tell her that you love her and want to save the marriage. Tell her you are willing to work hard on improving yourself and improving your marriage. *Tell her that if she wants to save the marriage, she has 15 minutes to agree to meet your conditions or else you will file for divorce and she can pack up her stuff and go live with the other man*. Here are the conditions:

1. *She must handwrite a no contact letter to the other man *stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking losing you, her husband, who is the most important person in the world to her, and that if other man ever attempts to contact her again in any way shape or form, that she will file harassment charges against him. This is the content of the letter, nothing more, nothing less. It begins with other man's name, it ends, "signed" and her name. It contains no terms of endearment, no sorry it didn't work out, nothing else. She gives the letter to you for editing and mailing.

2. *She gives you access to all communication devices and accounts, all passwords. She lets you know her whereabouts 24/7. She does not delete any emails, messages, texts, or calls from her devices or accounts - everything gets saved. If you find out anything has been deleted, you will assume the worst*. There is no place for secrecy in a marriage. You have agreed to share your lives together. You can have privacy when you go to the bathroom, but there should be nothing phoned, messaged, or texted that your spouse shouldn't be able to see. Married people don't have things to hide from each other. Many if not most married people are NOT constantly checking up on each other, although they could. Would you care if your wife looked at your email or text messages? Would you care if she asked you where you were going or with whom? This is normal stuff EXCEPT for cheaters.

3. *She blocks other man on facebook, deletes him from contacts, blocks his number on email, does everything possible to block him from her accounts*.

4. She handwrites a letter of apology to you.

5. *She gets tested for STDs and gives you the results*.

6. If you want the details, she tells you the whole truth about the affair, when it started, how it started, and WHY it started, etc. *Tell her to handwrite a timeline of the affair, starting with the first inappropriate contact, and ending with the last time she had contact with him. If the story doesn't make sense, she will take a polygraph to prove her truthfulness*.

7. Your wife should destroy all of the clothing she wore when she hooked up with the other man. Shoes, dresses, lingerie, pocketbooks, jewelry, etc. It's a consequence of her cheating. When people know there will be negative consequences, they are less likely to repeat the action. It helps you to feel she truly is repentant and not just giving you lip service. It helps her to make amends to you in a material tangible way, which will make her feel better if she is truly sorry for what she did to you.

Tell your wife that you cannot control her. You can only control yourself and what you are willing and not willing to accept in a marriage, and how you react to her actions.

*Cheaters are liars. They say anything to get what they want. Talk is cheap. Make her do these actions to show she really wants to save her marriage to you. Do not accept any verbal promises unless they are backed up by actions.

If she doesn't agree to these conditions, file for divorce. She really is not remorseful, not interested in committing to you, just interested in appeasing you with words*. Divorce is a long process, if she later agrees to your conditions, you can postpone it to work on your marriage. If she is not willing to accept these conditions, which, if you really look at them, are not that much of a sacrifice on her part to save the marriage and which pale in comparison to what you will have to live with, then you are going to wind up getting divorced down the road anyway; might as well do it now and get it over with and save yourself weeks, months, or maybe even years of the pain of trying to negotiate with a lying cheater.

If she does agree, leave the voice-activated recorders and keylogger in place. This is to verify that the affair truly has ended. You should keep it up until you are comfortable in ending it, but monitor closely for at least two weeks.

Trust is important in marriage. Constantly monitoring is not healthy. However, in the initial few weeks after infidelity is discovered, it can be extremely healthy and helpful in restoring trust. You can cut down on the monitoring as you continue to discover nothing and your trust builds. Or you could catch her continuing the affair, which would save you a lot of time and trouble and heartache.

If it weren't for the kids, I would say just dump her, she is more trouble than she's worth. 

If she refuses to meet your conditions, expose the affair to her and your families and friends. Tell them other man's name, that you have proof your wife is having an adulterous affair, and ask for their support of your marriage and your family.

If you find out that the other man and your wife continue the affair or remain in contact after your confrontation, then expose the affair to other man's close family and friends and his job. Let his close family and friends know that he is having an affair with your wife and breaking up your family including three young children, and ask for their support to save your family as well as other man's family. Let his job know that he is using company time to sneak out for sex with a married woman who has a husband and three young kids. Ask his HR department if they think they would be liable if they are named in an alienation of affection lawsuit which will be a matter of public record because apparently their internal policies and procedures are so lax that employees can slip out any day of the week at any time of the day to have sex on company time.


----------



## the guy

option 1) contact OMW (other mans wife) and discuss the option to have both of you do more recon. Explain to her what you have learned here and give her the site.

Remember the OM will drop your wife like a hot potato to save his own ass. There by ending the affair.
Also you now have a second set of eyes.
You can compare notes and you and OMW can somewhat put a time line together.
The OM will then break it off with your WW to save his own @ss

Best option in my opinion...yeilds very few answers, enless OMW agrees to do more recon with you.

Option 2) you contact OM and blackmail his @ss by threatening to tell his wife, friends, co workers, and parents. Your wife will never know if you again threaten the OM if he even tells his wife.

Prevents you from having to listen to all the blameshifting, mad at you for ruining the affair, and turning crap all crazy....OM goes away in the night. The bad side is she never address's the betrayal and never learns the tools to affair proof her marriage. She will cheat again.

Option 3) Start acting indifferent, get the James Bond gear and gather more proof. Confront OMW with addition eveidence and sit back and watch the sh!t storm. Remember do not confront your own wife but expose to OMW 1st, again a tactic that yeilds the best results in stopping the affair.

Make a plan work the plan.

keep in mind that there is apossiblity that it is an offagain on again thing. its extremely emotional to tkae witness to. and there may be more OM in her rotation.

Don't forget the VAR!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Shaggy

I'd get more evidence, and then go straight to the OMW. Then together blow up this affair. Bring down hellfire on both of them together, do not give them a chance to think through it.


----------



## the guy

Again work the plan, gather *more* proof and that plan must include exposing to OMW at some point before you confront your own wife.


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## Guy1975

Many good ideas there and it makes a lot of sense. Thanks.


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## tom67

Guy1975 said:


> Many good ideas there and it makes a lot of sense. Thanks.


Contact the omw today and gather intel with her see what she thinks.


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## Guy1975

the guy said:


> Option 3) Start acting indifferent, get the James Bond gear and gather more proof. Confront OMW with addition eveidence and sit back and watch the sh!t storm. Remember do not confront your own wife but expose to OMW 1st, again a tactic that yeilds the best results in stopping the affair.
> 
> Make a plan work the plan.
> 
> keep in mind that there is apossiblity that it is an offagain on again thing. its extremely emotional to tkae witness to. *and there may be more OM in her rotation.*


Arghhh, hadn't even though about _other _guys, but that's just me fooling myself.

Option 3 is the way for me...


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## the guy

tom67 said:


> Contact the omw today and gather intel with her see what she thinks.


Most likely OMW will not have the fortitude to gather more proof and will jump the gun.

Sure it will end the affair quicker, but will yield little answers.

@guy75, remember, do not give your WW time to compare notes with OM and vise vers of (OM compare notes with WW) before exposure to OMW.....appove all else contact OMW before confronting WW.

So often a betrayed husband *breaks* when the WW tell betrayed husband that she is going out with the girls when he know she is meeting OM. 

You can only take so much of the lying to your face before you go off and screw it all up. You do not want to lose the upper hand with exposure and give OM time to do damage control with OMW.


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## the guy

My point is if your going to loose it go straight to OMW with what you got and take it from there.


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## Guy1975

the guy said:


> I have a feeling it might be a on again off again deal...one of those every other month kind of things.
> QUOTE]
> 
> I think you're right.


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## tom67

Guy1975 said:


> the guy said:
> 
> 
> 
> I have a feeling it might be a on again off again deal...one of those every other month kind of things.
> QUOTE]
> 
> I think you're right.
> 
> 
> 
> good thing you know him and his family you have the upper hand go to his wife today and show her those damming texts THEN confront your wife good luck man
Click to expand...


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## warlock07

OMW should be contacted after he gets more evidence.. She might botch it up

Do OM and W work at the same place?...


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## donny64

> I am in denial (although every time I read their "conversation" it makes me sick). Her behavior that I'm aware of is totally not right, but I need more.


You're not in denial as I see it. You're in shock. You don't want it to be true, but believe it to be. That's not denial. 

In your shoes, I would want more info too. A "smoking gun" regarding the physical part of the affair. It already definately appears she's being unfaithful at the minimum emotionally, but some real proof of the physical would erase any doubt from your mind when she tries to lie and convince you otherwise.

I also like the option of playing it VERY COOL  until you have CERTAIN PROOF of a physical affair. Why? Because you'll want that to give to his wife.

And that is such a great thing that you have the option of that most simply do not. You know the other man's wife! 

I'd get proof, then 1st step, before confronting your W, is to go to his W, and deliver that proof. Then go home and wait. Calmly. The W will be along shortly and in a panic. When she walks in, tell her she can take the bags you packed for her and get out.

You've got an opportunity here many don't get. You can devestate the affair immediately from the other man's point of view (once his wife finds out, he's done with your wife). So, your wife's fun is now over. And when she comes racing back home to try and salvage things with you, she'll find her bags packed. Preferably with an envelope on top with divorce papers in it (I would file immediately. You don't have to go through with it, but if you want to show her your serious this won't ever be tolerated, you're going to have to "walk the talk" and crash her entire world in around her.

You have this nuclear option available to you to completely blow this affair to dust in virtually an instant once you "push the button". And that puts you in a much stronger position for yourself, your kids, and the marriage (should you ever decide to salvage it).

Stay calm. Confirm. Remain calm. Blow up the affair. Take some time for yourself, away from the wife, and decide what to do at your pace.


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## JustGrinding

A word from experience: there will be plenty of opportunity for your emotional meltdowns in the future. Right now, keep your head and your logic about you while you swiftly, silently, and relentlessly gather evidence against your wife and OM.

Your wife and OM are squandering company time and resources to conduct an illicit affair and you need to gather all the ammo you need to blow their little fantasy world apart.

Once you have irrefutable proof, you must confront OM in a meaningful way. I love the idea about exposing first to his BW; but don't stop there. Expose also to his company, in writing, through their HR department.

You're going to go through a lot starting in the very near future, and it will probably drag on for at least a few years. If you don't take the opportunity to blow up this POS, MFers world for screwing around with your wife, you'll regret it forever. Keep a cool head, get to know your enemy while he's unaware he's being surveilled, and then nuke his effing world out of existence.

In the future, as your dealing with the most incredible emotional pain you'll ever experience, at least you'll have the small solace of knowing you hung his rearend out to dry as well.


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## the guy

After you gather as much eviedence as your stomach can take, include in your confrontation plan were OMW confronts 1st, Both you and OMW will have compared evidence, but the tactic is while OM is contacting your WW you are in contact with OMW and get the reaction from OM (most likely the OM will throw your WW under the bus) use what ever info OMW gives you with regard to the confrontation she *just* had and impliment it when your wife admitts to the affair. She will have no choice cuz OM will tell her you know....everything!

Again something to think about
There are alot of variables so look at all the senerios and write them down cuz as time moves your emotions will be off the charts as the evidence gets harder and hard to witness.


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## the guy

OM is ex coworker.... left work place "last year" (remember her text response?)


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## JustGrinding

Oh yeah -- and you wife's employer as well. I'm sure they'll be interested in her texted admission concerning sneaking out of work to commit adultery.

Loss of job? Of course; one of the many consequences of what she's done.

Be strong. No mercy. Do not shield either of the infidels from the full consequences of their adultery!


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## Foghorn

Many will give you advice about blowing up the affair. There are a lot of experts here and I urge you to listen to them - unfortunately for us all, infidelity has a "script" which plays out so close to the same time that it's just amazing. Since this might be headed towards D, you need to consider this:

When confrontation occurs, stay all calm and James Bond (Daniel Craig, that is). Do not leave the marital home! If you leave the marital home, that can be played by Divorce Court as abandonment, resulting in you getting far less custody. (and paying heaps more child support)

If she wants to play hide the sausage with OM, let her do it at his place or in some hotel. You stay home - stay in your master bedroom - and be super-dad to the kids! Build a written record of your parenting skills.

If she doesn't want to live with you after confrontation - is not begging you on her knees to reconcile - she can leave, not you.

Carry a VAR at all times when around her, after confrontation. This will prevent her from being able to file a false domestic violence charge against you, thus getting you out of the house like she wants.

I know you're thinking "She would never do that!" But, you probably never thought she'd have an affair, either. 

It's amazing, when spouses betray, they seem to turn into a whole other person. One guy explained it like an alien had inhabited his wife's body.

I just want you to be prepared. We're here to support you, and I'm sorry you're here.

-FH


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## member2012

Guy1975 said:


> Arghhh, hadn't even though about _other _guys, but that's just me fooling myself.
> 
> Option 3 is the way for me...


listent to the guy, confronting the Other mans wife is the definite way to go. 
The fact that this has been going on for a long time it seems, and the fact that neither of them have asked for a divorce in order for them to be together shows that at least one of them does not want to get divorced.
I would absolutely go to the OMW, and only her and expose! Make sure she has time to digest what you tell her, make sure she is able to think through what you tell her. 
I did this, and I can tell you, if only I had done it 3 months earlier! I would have saved myself many months of confusion and heartache. It works! : )


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## the guy

On again off again is a b!tch, it could be weeks before the next hook up.

Might be time to give your wife a nice present a new cell phone with tracking GPS and live recording (IM DevistatedDad ask him what he used to listen to and track his former wayward wife)


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## member2012

although I do agree with Warlock, you should have enough evidence first, before confronting the OMW. Can you get a var for the car? THen you could play the recordings to the OMW.


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## the guy

BTW keep that snap shot of those text in a very safe and secure place, make a few copies.


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## mahike

The var is going to help but the gps is a must. iam sure she is doing most of her chatting on her work phone and email good luck


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## russ101

In my opinion, if you are going to go stealth on her, then do what the others have told you to do (VAR, keylogger etc), but I think if you want to cut to the chase fairly quickly, just arrange it so you are going out of town for a weekend (give her at least a weeks notice) and then get either a friend, or a PI (or both at different times) to do survailance on her while you are gone. Check her phone and VAR after you tell her. Make sure they take video of her going out with the OM. You'll have your answer within the weekend as to what is going on.


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## Mtts

RClawson said:


> Feel free to take your ignorant advice elsewhere. I truly hope you are not for real.


I'm thinking ATC needs to be reported in general. He actively encourages cheating on a MARRIAGE forum. To ATC, you are a moron.:scratchhead:


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## Guy1975

The end of the week was interesting and I may have shown my hand some to DS… or at least that’s what it appears from my perspective. I happened across another text from OP that said he wanted to get together at lunch. So, that day at lunchtime I called her at work… and she was there (good?). But considering I never call her at work (normally we just email) she may be wondering if I know something’s going on (of course I couldn’t help myself, I just needed to know!). And on top of that she was unusually friendly on Friday and over the weekend, so she maybe she was playing me (or just got played with - ewww!) or maybe its nothing.

I found it very hard to “act normal” the past few days and I’m filled with confusion. Especially as DS was being friendly/nice. We were enjoying each other’s company and time with the kids, and at moments I would forget about the circumstances for a bit. But then out of no where the crushing reality would set back in and would wrench my heart. How can I act normal when the woman I love is screwing me over and pretending everything is fine? I’m trying… but not being very convincing. DS asked me last night, “what’s wrong, you seem down?” REALLY, YOU THINK?!!!!

Besides getting through the weekend in one piece, my goal was to get tracking software onto DS’s phone and I am happy to report I was successful. It wasn’t easy as I’m not familiar with the phone so first it was a matter of learning how to use it and then updating it with the software. It wasn’t a “matter of minutes” as advertised, but the deed is done and monitoring is in place. 

So, let’s see what this week brings. Who knows... but one thing I can tell you is that I’m really looking forward to prepping for Thanksgiving and seeing the inlaws! :wtf:


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## keko

Congrats on installing the software on her phone. Whatever you find in the coming hours/days, take a deep breath and don't act on it right away. If need be you can vent here but try to control your reaction in the real world.

Did you place a VAR in her car as well?


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## Thor

Think of some excuse for feeling poorly. Tell her you have a touch of flu or you've had a headache for a couple of days. Or someone at work is being a harda$$. Just have something to offer as an excuse, it doesn't have to be extensive or detailed.


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## Guy1975

No VAR yet, but its on the list for this week.


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## TDSC60

Can you GPS the phone and/or her car? For those slipping out of work early days.


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## Guy1975

GPS is set up on the phone and seems to be working well. But her texting has mysteriously stopped (atleast from the software's point of view). Maybe if she immeadiately deletes them they are not picked up? Not sure, but I will be able to double check when the phone company logs update, but they are a day or two late.

But in looking over those logs last week, it seems there was an uptick in activity with her OM and texting... so MANY texts... EVERY day! I may have missed out on the motherload of evidence...


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## cheatedonhusband33

I would take the time to do some background research on the OP. I was blindsided by my WS's affair and i did some background checks on the OM and got his address, phone numbers, addresses of relatives with phone numbers, etc. Information is power and whenever you confront you need to have as much as possible.


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## Cdelta02

Guy,

To check if the text capture is working, send her a text make her reply to you by framing it as a question. See if the software captures it.


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## keko

Sorry if I missed it but is she using an iPhone?"


----------



## Guy1975

No iPhone, an Android.

And I did see some activity today between her and a GF, so it the tracking appears to be working... so she may be laying dormant w/ OM.

Also, I forgot to mention in my earlier post... she casually said the OM stopped by on Friday to say Hi. I said, "Oh, really?". She was like "yeah, he was in the area." Made some small talk from there about it but didn't press the issue.

So, was she testing me to see my reaction? Or covering herself if a neighbor mentioned something to me? Or both?


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## keko

It could be both. Are any of your neighbors close to you? Like would they give you heads up if something suspicious was going on or would they side with your wife.

I would also highly suggest you place one or two VAR in the house if you'll be away from it or suspecting OM will pay a visit. VARs are very cheap and can be found just about anywhere, try buy some soon as those seem to be most effective method of catching a cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Malaise

Guy1975 said:


> No iPhone, an Android.
> 
> And I did see some activity today between her and a GF, so it the tracking appears to be working... so she may be laying dormant w/ OM.
> 
> Also, I forgot to mention in my earlier post... she casually said the OM stopped by on Friday to say Hi. I said, "Oh, really?". She was like "yeah, he was in the area." Made some small talk from there about it but didn't press the issue.
> 
> So, was she testing me to see my reaction? *Or covering herself if a neighbor mentioned something to me?* Or both?


This is more likely.


----------



## Phenix70

Guy1975 said:


> No iPhone, an Android.
> 
> And I did see some activity today between her and a GF, so it the tracking appears to be working... *so she may be laying dormant w/ OM.*Also, I forgot to mention in my earlier post... she casually said the OM stopped by on Friday to say Hi. I said, "Oh, really?". She was like "yeah, he was in the area." Made some small talk from there about it but didn't press the issue.
> 
> So, was she testing me to see my reaction? Or covering herself if a neighbor mentioned something to me? Or both?


Or she may have gotten a burner phone & is contacting him on that instead. 

And what did she mean that OM stopped by?
As in your home?


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## MarriedTex

How good of friends are you with OM? Would he be considered in your social circle? Do yo have his e-mail & wife's e-mail. If so, may consider a "keep your enemies closer" strategy.

Write to them:

"Mrs. 1975 mentioned you were at our house the other day. So sorry to have missed you. It would be great to catch up. Why don't we all go out to dinner Saturday night?"

This alerts Mrs.OM that OM is making private visits to Mrs. 1975. That puts pressure on his home front. Also, if you do dinner, you get to see how they interact. It may be instructive. 

If he is more "her friend," make suggestion that she extend the dinner invite for all four. It's not that you want to get all chummy. Merely a venue to gauge everyone's reaction to one another.


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## tom67

keko said:


> It could be both. Are any of your neighbors close to you? Like would they give you heads up if something suspicious was going on or would they side with your wife.
> 
> I would also highly suggest you place one or two VAR in the house if you'll be away from it or suspecting OM will pay a visit. VARs are very cheap and can be found just about anywhere, try buy some soon as those seem to be most effective method of catching a cheater.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good idea i var in the bed room, 1 around the kitchen and 1 in the car.


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## Baffled01

the guy said:


> On again off again is a b!tch, it could be weeks before the next hook up.
> 
> Might be time to give your wife a nice present a new cell phone with tracking GPS and live recording (IM DevistatedDad ask him what he used to listen to and track his former wayward wife)


Good advice here. 

OP and others, one of the best covert listening devices out there is the keychain thumbdrive/ VAR. I keep one on both of my wife and I's keychains. Turns on with flip of a switch and is completely undetectable. Audio info is available on the thumbdrive via computer. I have one that will record for close to 20 hours. Most spy stores have it.

Devistateddad was using 'spybubble' cellphone monitoring service. 

Spy tech market is evolving very quickly to meet the demands of an ever-cheating world.


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## donny64

> I agree that so far I have been annoying, but what is SHE doing that needs to be stopped?


She's allowing him to carry on with her instead of shutting it down. And, she's texting him covertly, and deleting the texts (or at least was). Bad potential sign. In and of itself proof of nothing (it may be nothing other than her not wanting to arouse your suspicion or jealousy when there is no reason to do so), but worriesome nonetheless. She texted, deleted, and got caught.



Code:


I think she is just fed up with all of my whining and badgering. I probably would be too if all of this was truly innocent.

That is why I think you need to lay back for a while. By trying the "c0ckblock" thing and badgering her, you could actually start driving her toward it if there is nothing going on from her persepctive. She'll get upset over not being trusted. She'll feel annoyed. She'll get resentful. You'll look insecure. None of this is going to keep her attracted to you.

If you catch her in something, call her to the carpet. But don't try to alleviate some temporary feelings of insecurity you have right now through her (even though you do have some red flags). If she is doing nothing wrong (other than not shutting him down), she will get resentful. And the hovering and c0ckblocking could backfire on you.

This all is why I say lay down boundaries (she can't carry on secret communications with him, and she needs to shut him down), and then sit back and monitor. Let's, for one moment, assume all this is innocent. She HAS to know how this appears. And she's putting another mans feelings and / or her getting attention before her fiance'. And it looks bad. How would she feel were the situation reversed?



Code:


I've easily told females to f' off because they know I am in a relationship. In my mind a constant question is why cant she?

Exactly. 



Code:


With her, again though, I honestly just don't think she has the skills for the confrontation needed to tell someone off.

It's not that hard, even for a "nice" person. It goes something like this: "Listen Fred, I appreciate the offer (I'm flattered, etc), but I cannot speak to you outside of work. I have a fiance', I love him, and I do not go out on dates, for breakfast, or for drinks with other men. Sorry".

It's that easy. If she wants to do it. 

If he keeps up with it, then she must get more drastic. "Fred, i told you, I'm engaged, and I'm happy. I'm NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THIS (key phrase in sexual harrassment training that sets alarm bells off in ANY man.), so it has to stop now."

Then if it doesn't stop, it's time to get HR involved.

If she wanted to, it would have stopped already. Not saying she's on her way to cheating, but she is enjoying the attention, at a minimum.



> That with my insecurity, immaturity, and psycho spy-man research stuff... ahhhh!! Im probably overreacting... I don't know, Im lost man..


Maybe, maybe not. How often is your "gut" wrong?

Big thing for right now is don't let her see you out of sorts. It's not attractive. And THAT is a HUGE deal, especially while she's got some stiff d!ck without conscience trying to do his best to be Prince Charming. Don't help him out by displaying a lot of unattractive traits.


----------



## gdtm0111

I had actually considered (now wish I had) sending the OMW a Facebook message, asking if she had concerns that our S's may be having an affair - this was after I read a message on my W's phone from the OM saying "I miss you".

You should definitely contact the OMW. But you need to make sure that she doesn't give any hints that she/you are on to them, of course. One of the tougher things to do - cause she may be incredibly hurt by this info and go off the deep end.


----------



## Guy1975

Yeah, CS said OM stopped by our house on Friday. "He was just in the area and stopped to say hi." Strange that she would say that unless she was testing or covering tracks. I tend to think it was a little of both. And sickening too.

As for the tracking, no new "traceable" texts to or from OM this week. After multiple a day last week its a bit odd. She must be contacting him another way or on a break. Part of me thinks whatever was going on may be over. The texting increased each week between them for the last 3 weeks until last week, and now nothing.

In regards to the VAR, anyone have advice about actually using it? Should I put it in her car and check it weekly? IOr more often? And would I need multiple to always keep one in the car as I take the other one to listen to, probably on my ride to work and back. Any suggestions? Thx!


----------



## Guy1975

MarriedTex said:


> If he is more "her friend," make suggestion that she extend the dinner invite for all four.


Good idea, but that's not like me at all!


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## tom67

For closure do you want to confront with the info you have, I would.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Guy1975

gdtm0111 said:


> You should definitely contact the OMW. But you need to make sure that she doesn't give any hints that she/you are on to them, of course. One of the tougher things to do - cause she may be incredibly hurt by this info and go off the deep end.


I'm going to see if I can get any more evidence over the next week or two and then think about contacting OMW. But I would be worried about what you mentioned, but it may be worth it if the "trail" goes cold.


----------



## Will_Kane

Guy1975 said:


> In regards to the VAR, anyone have advice about actually using it? Should I put it in her car and check it weekly? IOr more often? And would I need multiple to always keep one in the car as I take the other one to listen to, probably on my ride to work and back. Any suggestions? Thx!


Under the seat, listen to it as often as you can without tipping her off, listen to it every day if possible.


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## AngryandUsed

I think the A has gone underground.

Wait. They will let their guard off. You should catch them at the appropriate time. Until then, sad, wait.


----------



## Chaparral

She thinks you are onto her. Telling you he stopped by was preventive maintainence. She thinks you suspect. You called at lunch time when she had thought about have a rendeveous with POSOM. She 's being nice, you are acting (understandably) strange and she has put two and two together. It ain't over. They may be laying low but that won't last.

Oh, when she saw your face when she told you about him stopping by was all the confirmation she needed you know unless you are the best actor of all time.

People here have found a great VAR from Olympus. At best buy ans Walmart etc. The (( dollar model seems to work exceptionately well. Cheaper models may have drawbacks.

A good tactic is to say something fishy just beforeshe goes to work. She will immediately call him as soon as she gets in the car if he has already left home. If she doesn't call she will text. If she freaks out she may also talk to herself.

BTW the best spot is heavy duty velcro under the drivers seat.


----------



## Chaparral

You might want to say something about have some "real problems" at work that is causing you trouble or some other worriesome story. 

At this point she knows you suspect but she will want to believe something else.

I hope you are preparing yourself for the worst and trying to figure out what you want and how to handle things.

One of the first things yo need to do is see your MD, they see this a lot.

Good luck and prayers for your family

Chap


----------



## barbados

Guy1975. You know she is cheating, and I know its heartbreaking to have to admit it, but you have to so you can move on with your life. I am sorry for your pain, I really am. Confront when your ready, but make sure in the mean time you are doing everything you can to protect yourself.


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## Thor

She may have started using an app or an internet based chat method rather than the regular cell phone chat. So her chats would not be captured unless your spyware captures all keystrokes and/or all internet activity on her phone.

The burner phone is a good bet, too.

My wife watches those crime lab cop tv shows all the time, and they talk about all these sneaky methods all the time. Hell, I had never even heard the term "burner phone" until the wife said it one day. So your wife may be surprisingly well versed in sneaky communications. And her enabling friends may be offering ideas.

If you go the VAR in the car route, I would try to find a well hidden spot. If she thinks you might be suspicious she may think to look for a VAR. If she never uses the seat back pouch, you could drop one in there. Or you could put it up under the dashboard.



chapparal said:


> One of the first things yo need to do is see your MD, they see this a lot.


Yes but you might have to push your doc some. Here the docs are very reticent to deal with infidelity issues. The majority religion puts a high value on marriage and they strongly discourage divorce under even infidelity. Neither of my primary care docs I've had over the past dozen years (different practices and different insurance networks) do any STD testing. The urologist doesn't do STD testing! The urologist I saw 12 years ago gave me a general diagnosis of bacterial infection and then proceeded to discourage further testing to determine the specific bug. Only later did I find out the symptoms I had were most usually an STD. So he gas lighted me, and I lost an opportunity to possibly learn something important.

You need to be your own informed advocate in medical care these days, and especially so when the topic becomes uncomfortable.


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## Cdelta02

Guy,

You have to think about the additional evidence bit. In your case I don't think you will find much given ur first post. The words 'this year' make me think the meet ups are intermittent. If OM already saw her, they might be done for the next few weeks or months. In that case you won't find anything till it starts the next time, which could be too late.

The multiple texts last week may have been to set up the meet at your house. Now that the OM has seen her, they may not need to be in touch.

Just something to consider.


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## Guy1975

New text contact last night. Apparently he was traveling or something. And get this, CS was texting while we had friends over and hanging out. The nerve! Time to sit back and see what happens.

I'm going to a clinic to get STD tested. I checked into it and they'll do comprehensive testing. Fun times.

As for preparing for the worst, I can't even wrap my head around the reality of it. I feel sort of detached from it all.


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## keko

Control yourself and don't confront her immaturely. You'll lose any chance of knowing what's happened/happening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack.

It looks like this is an on again of again deal for sure, and yes you for sure tipped your hat last week.

Keep in mind your CS is in black ops mode, last year she messed around with this coworker and now this past month the may have hooked up again for "lunch" ....so with that said her spiddy senses are on high alert, any thing said by you or *her* is clandestine in nature. when it comes to OM it's all one big @ss colvert operation. for her and now you have joined the rank by listening to mine and others advise.

I think when you bring up OM your old lady goes off in "sh!t he might be on to me" and cools it off. Or when your old lady brings up OM she is do damage control/cover track bull sh1t.

Hell this is even getting more exciting for CS and the cat and mouse games she now plays as you get closer to her bullcrap, but the pain of not being ables to catch her is getting more difficult to bear.

I think if you finish this up by the end of the moth by contacting OMW and giving the inlaws a nice Thanksgiving gift both parties need to see the snap shot of the emails you have and get this opened up.

Give the VAR 3 days and what ever you got take and expose to OMW. I really think this cloke and dagger crap is getting out of hand
and your chick is getting off on it.

I think she banged him last year and is now having this clandetine affair, waiting for the right time to hook up again...it might not be until next year before that happens......can you wait?


I say, talk to OMW and either get her support for more black ops and compare notes, or risk OMW confronting OM and telling your CS.


Do not confront your wife with the proof you have, use the OM and OMW confrontation to see if it yields more for you.


Sorry bro plant the VAR under her car seat with velcro tape and give a ONE MORE week..

I don't think you can go anther month, your chick knows you are on to her but just can't prove it...but you can prove inapropreate behavior.

Again this phucker isn't going away but you chick can keep him at an arms lenght for her excite colvert affair until the coast is clear. Maybe month from now they hook up again.


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## the guy

Here you are 3/4 of the month thru this crap and you are still at square one.

Besides us you need an allie.....its time to contact OMW and see what she wants to do with regards to the James Bond stuff... risk the OMW confrontation and go from there.

This cat and mouse sh1t you and your oldlady are doing isn't working time to change tactices IMHO.


----------



## the guy

keko said:


> Control yourself and don't confront her immaturely. You'll lose any chance of knowing what's happened/happening.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have a feeling this is not a hot and heavy affiar. In my case it took me a week to get the smoking gun. In this case this is a friends with benifits deal and most likely haven't slept together since last year and were trying ot hook up last month but it didn't happen and no its just ideal chit chat between the WW and OM until the time is perfect to do it again.

WW has OP number and knows better to get caught with a smoking gun , but enjoyes the fantasy that can be writen off as such.

I think OM stopped by and instead of getting exposed WW exposed her self, cuz she gat caught and OP is hot on her trail.


Bottom line is OP is hot on her trail and WW knows it...only doing enough to lead OM on and keep OP from getting a smoking gun.

She's playing both of them BH and OM and loves it.

OM=catch me if you can and have sex

BH= catch me if you can and bust me


----------



## the guy

I get my view point from the fact that the A goes cold and then there is this text fest.....I bet it goes cold over Thanksgiving then picks up on black friday while both of them wait in line for that 40" flat screen TV for $100.00.........LOL

Alls I'm saying is in the begining of the month it was worth an effort to gather more proof, but I think time is up and its time to shift gears/ change direction in your approach.....and that approach should involve OMW.. all be it risky!!


----------



## theroad

Guy1975 said:


> GPS is set up on the phone and seems to be working well. But her texting has mysteriously stopped (atleast from the software's point of view). Maybe if she immeadiately deletes them they are not picked up? Not sure, but I will be able to double check when the phone company logs update, but they are a day or two late.
> 
> But in looking over those logs last week, it seems there was an uptick in activity with her OM and texting... so MANY texts... EVERY day! I may have missed out on the motherload of evidence...


Affair phone.


----------



## RWB

Guy1975 said:


> New text contact last night. Apparently he was traveling or something. And get this, CS was texting while we had friends over and hanging out. The nerve! Time to sit back and see what happens.
> 
> I'm going to a clinic to get STD tested. I checked into it and they'll do comprehensive testing. Fun times.
> 
> As for preparing for the worst, I can't even wrap my head around the reality of it. I feel sort of detached from it all.


Let me interject some information I learned from my wife's affairs. She had a long term affair with a doctor that lived 100+ miles away. Over almost 3 years they stayed in contact and met together many times when there paths could cross. Each driving many miles for a few hours of sex in a hotel room. 

Looking back at phone/email records... they would go months chatting every day many times a day. Then... just stop. No correspondence for months at a time. I asked my wife about this when busted. 

She said she would decide to stop and out of the blue he would start emailing her. She would respond and they would plan a new meeting. A few weeks after meeting for sex she would stop "talking" due to guilt or such. This would go on back and forth months at a time. This crap continued on for almost 3 years. 

The point... just because traffic reduced to nil... she is still very much in the affair.


----------



## tom67

You have enough get ahold of the omw today if possible then wait for the fireworks then confront her just tell her you know and say it's me or it's him pretty simple oh and if she gaslights you tell her you believe her but to put your mind at ease I want you to take a polygraph test that should be rich!


----------



## the guy

RWB said:


> Let me interject some information I learned from my wife's affairs. She had a long term affair with a doctor that lived 100+ miles away. Over almost 3 years they stayed in contact and met together many times when there paths could cross. Each driving many miles for a few hours of sex in a hotel room.
> 
> Looking back at phone/email records... they would go months chatting every day many times a day. Then... just stop. No correspondence for months at a time. I asked my wife about this when busted.
> 
> She said she would decide to stop and out of the blue he would start emailing her. She would respond and they would plan a new meeting. A few weeks after meeting for sex she would stop "talking" due to guilt or such. This would go on back and forth months at a time. This crap continued on for almost 3 years.
> 
> The point... just because traffic reduced to nil... she is still very much in the affair.


This is why I think its time to get what you can with the VAR and GPS but I wouldn't what much longer. I'm thining a week at the very least...if you can go a month then go for it put it will be one hell of a long month!

This is an affair of oppertunity not of strong emotional ties were they need each other every chance they get. It could be a very long time before you get a better smoking gun then the one you got.

Its one thing to investigate the wayward after the confrontation so as to verify any commitment, but its entirely different when you go day in and day out wait for a smoking gun...knowing your wife knows you are on to here but continues to text OM infront of you thinking she has one over you. This is emotional challenging for even the strongest.


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## Kallan Pavithran

I dont think that OM stopped at your home only to say hi.May be they were planning the hook up at your home last week.


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## keko

tom67 said:


> You have enough get ahold of the omw today if possible then wait for the fireworks then confront her just tell her you know and *say it's me or it's him* pretty simple oh and if she gaslights you tell her you believe her but to put your mind at ease I want you to take a polygraph test that should be rich!


Don't you see how humiliating that is for a husband to say?

My opinion, after you confront her kick her out of the house(literally) so she'll get a taste of a the new reality. Don't ever let yourself be disrespected by comparing yourself to the posOM, in fact tell her to have fun with the scumbag in her new life, that they deserve each other. If/when she comes begging for your forgiveness then you'll have the upper hand in deciding on how you reconcile. 

During and after confrontation if you appear to be weak or accepting to be her plan B, you'll be having plenty of "confrontations" to do.


----------



## BjornFree

keko said:


> Don't you see how humiliating that is for a husband to say?
> 
> My opinion, after you confront her kick her out of the house(literally) so she'll get a taste of a the new reality. Don't ever let yourself be disrespected by comparing yourself to the posOM, in fact tell her to have fun with the scumbag in her new life, that they deserve each other. If/when she comes begging for your forgiveness then you'll have the upper hand in deciding on how you reconcile.
> 
> During and after confrontation if you appear to be weak or accepting to be her plan B, you'll be having plenty of "confrontations" to do.


:iagree:

You don't give selfish individuals options, because they're default option is to have it all. It shouldn't be either him or me, asking them to make that choice will more often than not result in the affair going underground. Its best to say "Go to him" and boot her out at least in the initial stages. They need to be held accountable for their actions. Don't turn your gift of reconciliation into something that's cheap. Make them earn it.


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## RWB

the guy said:


> This is an *affair of opportunity* not of strong emotional ties were they need each other every chance they get. It could be a very long time before you get a better smoking gun then the one you got.


Exactly!

When I confronted my wife about her LTA... What exactly were you getting out of it? It was very telling.

She said she knew there was no future in it, and she really didn't love him, she just liked the way he talked about her and chased after her. In her own words... _"He was like a secret Boy Friend that made me feel wanted, young, sexy... again"._ 

Guy1975, you wife is playing the game. Now hear a truth, while it may be all a fantasy now... _"The hard currency of an affair is Sex (Mori, circa 2010)."_


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## the guy

What ever happen to Mori ????

This guy always had good perspectives...much like you RWB.

I will was always remember your reply to my thread so many years ago. Thank you RWB. You have been around for a while..not many posts but when you do ..whatch out!

Sorry for the thread jack Guy1975


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## Shaggy

Are you able to see her texts ?

I'd suggest you buy a semen detection kit and have it around to use if you think there's been a hook up. You can test her panties after she comes home from work.

This is likely a good time to catch them, with the holidays coming up there isn't a lot of company traveling going on, company hours can be more flexible, and the boss is often away on vacation with their family, so she might have more opportunity to slip away during the day. They appear to like lunchtime and afternoons.

Also watch her doing to holiday shopping trips - due to the crowds it's easy to claim it took an hour or two longer than planned. So keep a close watch and you just might catch her red handed.

Remember - DO NOT even give up your sources - do not disclose how you know anything ever.


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## tom67

Shaggy said:


> Are you able to see her texts ?
> 
> I'd suggest you buy a semen detection kit and have it around to use if you think there's been a hook up. You can test her panties after she comes home from work.
> 
> This is likely a good time to catch them, with the holidays coming up there isn't a lot of company traveling going on, company hours can be more flexible, and the boss is often away on vacation with their family, so she might have more opportunity to slip away during the day. They appear to like lunchtime and afternoons.
> 
> Also watch her doing to holiday shopping trips - due to the crowds it's easy to claim it took an hour or two longer than planned. So keep a close watch and you just might catch her red handed.
> 
> Remember - DO NOT even give up your sources - do not disclose how you know anything ever.


This is why he should talk with omw now and show her those texts and you're probably right go hardball and kick her out and expose to everyone! I don't think especially after last night texting with company over that would finish it for me. Polygraph time but why waste the $$$.


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## firedog1

Did you make it through the Holiday?


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## Chaparral

Things must be relly bad, he's been gone a long time.


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## TriedHarder

Accepting infidelity is a slippery slope, be prepared for a lifetime of it.
My wife was unfaithful and I was as supportive of her in reconciliation and it morphed into years of ongoing humiliation where her infidelity was overt and I was accepting of it. I lost all self-respect and my life became pitiful.
By not putting your foot down, by accepting, by pretending it’s not going on, you have to be prepared for continued abusive behavior that comes with infidelity.


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## Guy1975

Hi everyone, I'm still around and kicking! Sorry for the delay in posting any updates, I was real busy Thanksgiving week and now my home internet is down! Grrr!

So here’s a quick recap of things…

Thanksgiving was alright. Family was in town and everyone had a good time. Good to see relatives that came from out of town. I played it cool with the wife, but did blow up at her at one point about something stupid (was it the mashed potatos?!). Totally out of character for me, but I think its some of that resentment (and who knows what else) coming to the surface.

Lately my wife has been acting nicer than normal. I’m not sure what to make of it. It’s almost like something “went wrong” with the OM, and now she’s trying to get back on my good side (I haven’t been very nice lately myself). 

Speaking honestly, I’m starting to doubt myself about what may or may not be going on. I mean, I know what she’s doing is inappropriate, with the text messages and being secretive and all. But I’m just not certain there’s a PA going on. I had made up my mind that a PA was occurring, but maybe I was just assumming. I mean, if you look back and take it out of the context of a "Coping with Infidelity" forum, could that be just a friend that she's texting? If it was her girlfriend that she was texting I wouldn't have an issue with the content of it. But the fact that its a guy gets me all suspicious, but maybe the're just friends? (feel free to crucify me now!)

I was certain that monitoring her phone would produce a smoking gun… evidence that would be irrefutable and make it clear what was going on. But that hasn’t happened. I’m still going to confront her about this but I would’ve liked something concrete.


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## the guy

Some one wants to punish your wife and she thinks its nice...that is a hard pill to swallow. In the past your wife has gone out during work and you are dismissing it?

So your confrontation has nothing to do with cheating and the pretence of the confrontation is about her being on a slippery slope or her lack off boundries in her marriage?

Have you planted a VAR in her car?


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## diwali123

You are justifying things so that you don't have to accept reality. I'm sorry you are hurting but why would they sneak out of work to meet? Why would they talk about punishment?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Baffled01

Guy1975 said:


> Hi everyone, I'm still around and kicking! Sorry for the delay in posting any updates, I was real busy Thanksgiving week and now my home internet is down! Grrr!
> 
> So here’s a quick recap of things…
> 
> Thanksgiving was alright. Family was in town and everyone had a good time. Good to see relatives that came from out of town. I played it cool with the wife, but did blow up at her at one point about something stupid (was it the mashed potatos?!). Totally out of character for me, but I think its some of that resentment (and who knows what else) coming to the surface.
> 
> Lately my wife has been acting nicer than normal. I’m not sure what to make of it. It’s almost like something “went wrong” with the OM, and now she’s trying to get back on my good side (I haven’t been very nice lately myself).
> 
> Speaking honestly, I’m starting to doubt myself about what may or may not be going on. I mean, I know what she’s doing is inappropriate, with the text messages and being secretive and all. But I’m just not certain there’s a PA going on. I had made up my mind that a PA was occurring, but maybe I was just assumming. I mean, if you look back and take it out of the context of a "Coping with Infidelity" forum, could that be just a friend that she's texting? If it was her girlfriend that she was texting I wouldn't have an issue with the content of it. But the fact that its a guy gets me all suspicious, but maybe the're just friends? (feel free to crucify me now!)
> 
> I was certain that monitoring her phone would produce a smoking gun… evidence that would be irrefutable and make it clear what was going on. But that hasn’t happened. I’m still going to confront her about this but I would’ve liked something concrete.


Be careful here. Don't let your guard down just yet. 

Yes, it may be true, she could have had an argument with the OM and fallen back to her plan 'B', otherwise known as 'you'. If that is the case, it still could heat up again at anytime especially if he is a coworker.


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## old_soldier

If I were you (and I know I'm not) I would be asking her why she is skipping off work and why she is meeting with the OM. If she says she is not, ask "well then when in the hill did that stop, because I damm well know different", if she asks how you know tell her "a little bird ratted you out". Courage man, you've got to muster up some courage, I've said it before,"SHOCK AND AWE". 

She's walking all over you right now, time to make it stop.


----------



## Baffled01

Shaggy said:


> Are you able to see her texts ?
> 
> I'd suggest you buy a semen detection kit and have it around to use if you think there's been a hook up. You can test her panties after she comes home from work.
> 
> This is likely a good time to catch them, with the holidays coming up there isn't a lot of company traveling going on, company hours can be more flexible, and the boss is often away on vacation with their family, so she might have more opportunity to slip away during the day. They appear to like lunchtime and afternoons.
> 
> Also watch her doing to holiday shopping trips - due to the crowds it's easy to claim it took an hour or two longer than planned. So keep a close watch and you just might catch her red handed.
> 
> Remember - DO NOT even give up your sources - do not disclose how you know anything ever.


One note about these semen test kits available on line is that you need to make sure that YOU haven't had sex with the test subject for a week, according to the directions on the box, to avoid a false positive. This seems unrealistic to me but that's what it says. My wife came home one night after work (about 1130pm) and immediately changed her panties and washed herself out. I checked the panties the next morning as she slept and sure enough-- a big mess. I saved them in a bag and tested them with Checkmate semen test kit. They tested without a doubt-- positive, but, we had sex earlier that day (around noon) and I think she was wearing the same panties to work, so nothing confirmed and nothing denied.


----------



## TRy

Guy1975 said:


> Speaking honestly, I’m starting to doubt myself about what may or may not be going on. I mean, I know what she’s doing is inappropriate, with the text messages and being secretive and all. But I’m just not certain there’s a PA going on. I had made up my mind that a PA was occurring, but maybe I was just assumming. I mean, if you look back and take it out of the context of a "Coping with Infidelity" forum, could that be just a friend that she's texting? If it was her girlfriend that she was texting I wouldn't have an issue with the content of it. But the fact that its a guy gets me all suspicious, but maybe the're just friends? (feel free to crucify me now!)


 Most affairs go undetected because cheaters are good at lying and covering up. The fact is it is very hard to get concrete evidence. When the cheater's spouse starts to get wind, the cheater lays low for a bit. You have enough just with what you have to end it between them. Do not let her put a spin on it, because there is no good spin, only bad or real bad. At best her relationship is inappropriate and has crossed the line to sexual flirting, but the text does indicate much more. 

Tell her that your concerns are legitimate based on facts, and that even if you give her the benefit of the doubt, since she crossed the line with this other man, she needs to now do what is needed to make you feel safe in your marriage. Let her know that the needs of the OM must take a back seat to this. Inform her that full no contact with this other man (OM) is a requirement, and that since he is an ex-coworker, there is no good reason for her to stay in contact with him. Let her know that full no contact will make you feel safer since any contact would be cheating and thus there would be no gray areas to debate. Hold the line on this. If she calls you controlling (most cheaters use this line), do not be afraid to be called controlling, instead tell her that a spouse has a right to be controlling when their spouse's relationship with a member of the opposite sex crosses the line. Remind her that marraige is by definition controlling.


----------



## Hicks

There is a minor chance that this was not a physical affair.
There is a minor chance that it's completely over.

But it is 100% certain that this was an inappropriate, marriage harming relationship. You have to figure out what about your behavior, your marriage, or your wife's personality caused this in your marriage, and fix those things.


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## AlphaHalf

She is on to you and playing it cool for the holiday. You need to stay in reality and stop the wishful thinking [email protected]!T. Your wife confides texts messages and skips work with another man. Never forget that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame

I'm pretty careful to draw conclusions & definitely like to have real data, real evidence, but, as a woman, I have to tell you that I think your wife is playing you.

Please be careful not to believe that all is OK. Please check.


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## Shaggy

If you haven't yet, you might want to visit doc cool.com and read about the strategies used by cheating spouses when they fear discovery.

In particular take note that the #1 fear seems to be blow back to the OM.


----------



## old_soldier

Hicks said:


> There is a minor chance that this was not a physical affair.
> There is a minor chance that it's completely over.
> 
> But it is 100% certain that this was an inappropriate, marriage harming relationship. You have to figure out what about your behavior, your marriage, or your wife's personality caused this in your marriage, and fix those things.


There is also a minor chance that Elvis and John F Kennedy are still alive as well.... GET IT!


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## keko

This dude is deep denial.

Go back and read your first post. Some man is speaking of punishing your wife and asking for an hour from your wife and you think it's nothing? Guess what, I gotta bridge to sell you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko

I'm starting to think she may an office ***** as well. You know the ones that drop they're panties in one of the back rooms for a quickie then go on with their days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Guy1975

keko said:


> This dude is deep denial.
> 
> Go back and read your first post. Some man is speaking of punishing your wife and asking for an hour from your wife and you think it's nothing? Guess what, I gotta bridge to sell you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know, I was thinking the same thing over the weekend. I re-read the messages and it got me going again.


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## Guy1975

Hicks said:


> There is a minor chance that this was not a physical affair.
> There is a minor chance that it's completely over.
> 
> But it is 100% certain that this was an inappropriate, marriage harming relationship.


Hicks, great post. And you're totally right in that at the end of the day whatever the relationship is (PA,EA, whatever), it's harmful to our marriage. That's for sure.


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## tom67

Guy1975 said:


> Hicks, great post. And you're totally right in that at the end of the day whatever the relationship is (PA,EA, whatever), it's harmful to our marriage. That's for sure.


Are you considering confronting her yet?


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## The Cro-Magnon

I wonder, the logistics of catching a ws in such a on/off "sleeper" affair, where months may go by where it is all dormant, whether the polygraph option is strategically the best tool? He could be waiting months upon months otherwise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD

The Cro-Magnon said:


> I wonder, the logistics of catching a ws in such a on/off "sleeper" affair, where months may go by where it is all dormant, whether the polygraph option is strategically the best tool? He could be waiting months upon months otherwise.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is, in my mind, irrelevant. He knows enough. What he is waiting for is his common sense and courage to arrive to lay out the necessary boundaries.

It should go something like this:

"I know you are in contact with Mr. POS. I think you are in an inappropriate relationship with Mr. POS. Whether this is true or not is irrelevant. I, your spouse, am telling you that HE is making me uneasy and I will not sit back and continue to feel that way.

So your choice is to decide if my feelings mean more to you than Mr. POS. Defending him is not a smart move. Who exactly is he to you that you should not cut him out of your life? What is he that's so important that it's worth damaging your marriage? Why are HIS feelings more important than MY feelings?

So...I want to be able to see your phone and it's texts. I want you to cut ALL contact with him after sending him a NC letter. It doesn't matter to me if you think I am overreacting. And I understand that you can and should have friends. But you shouldn't have ANY friends who make the other partner feel threatend AT ALL. I am reacting the way I think I need to to save our marriage."

I was diffident on the 'protect our marriage' vs. 'save our marriage' but you need to lay down a STRONG line.

But you need to muster enough testosterone to actually HAVE this conversation and MEAN this conversation.

Can you do it?


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## MrK

Guy1975 said:


> Texts from the next day:
> Her: Sneaking out of work is proving to be very difficult this year. Uhg. Sorry… … sucks.
> Him: Hmmmm….
> Her: Mad?
> Him: Of course not! You still may deserve a punishment though.
> Her: Nice!!!
> Him: I suggest you sneak out for an hour.
> Her: I wish, I’m still at work.


That's just in case you start thinking again about it being all innocent. Almost a month and you've done NOTHING!!!! I know you think you have, but you have no more than that above quote and the fact that she texted him 200+ times in a month. Three times as much as she texts her best gal pal.

Look. This has gone on long enough. I went from pitying you, to getting frustrated with you, to getting downright pissed that I wasted so much time reading this freakin' thread only to find out you have done NOTHING!!!!

It's simple. WAY simple,because it looks like that's what you need. Send the OMW TWO LITTLE THINGS!!!

1 - A copy of that little conversation.
2 - A copy of the phone bill showing the extent of the texts.

Then sit back and watch a WOMAN grow a bigger pair than you and nip this. And nip it she will when he bails on your wife to cover his ass. I CAN'T WAIT to hear about your wife's reaction when she finds out he claims to his wife that your wife was stalking him. That he wanted no part of it.

How do you sit on this for a MONTH without doing anything? What is WRONG with you?


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## SomedayDig

Guy1975...here's the deal, man: Your wife _is_ cheating on you. It's been going on for at least a year with at least one guy. My wife had a *5 year long* affair. I've got all the cell bills and can tell you there were months between their hook ups and texts. If I had spyware back then, it would have looked much like yours. 

My Side of The Story

There ya go. Wanna see what you're gonna look like in another 4 years? That's a link to my story. My wife Regret214 is also on this forum. Go ahead and look her stuff up, too.

You're blinding yourself here, man. For whatever reason you don't really wanna see that your wife is capable of doing something so vile. Oh...I know...none of us did.

Anyway - it's time for you to get a little angry about this bullsnot and actually DO something. You don't need a smoking gun. You've already got that. You're gonna know when you confront her if she's telling the truth. And the truth you're gonna get from the beginning is gonna be trickle truth. Just enough to tell you but not enough to drive you away. That truth will come in a few months.

Don't just delay the inevitable cuz of the holidays and whatnot. That's just gonna give you a whole lotta resentment for the rest of your life when these holidays come around again and again and again...


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## Malaise

Dig is unfortunate to have expertise in this. You should listen.


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## Guy1975

Grrr... just posted something that took me a good 20 minutes to write up, pressed quick reply, and it didn't post. Damnit!

So in short... the reason I haven't confronted her is 1) a "fear" (not the right word, but close) of the changes that are coming. and 2) having this hit the fan during the holidays and having my kids associate Christmas with any of this sh*t.

For 1), I just have to suck it up and realize its going to suck in the short term (and who knows how long) but its a necessary step to moving forawrd. For 2), I'm holding off the confrontation till after Christmas. I can get through another few weeks. Also, I'm going to bring the whole thing down (OM's wife/family and everything else) so its not going to be pretty. I'll bide my time and do it when I think is best for me and my kids.


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## SomedayDig

I hear ya, man. I do. You want to do what is best for your kids. I'm gonna give you just a little more insight: Christmas and the holidays come about every single year. At the same time even. Next year, your kids will be spending Christmas with one of you and visiting the other later on. No matter what you do, every major holiday will be tainted.

If you think your kids are gonna associate this with Christmas, then I'd suggest putting everything off until April. There are no real major holidays in April. Unless of course you're Druidic, in that case Arbor Day falls in April.

Anyway, I applaud you wanting to do what is right for your kids, however even your grammer with your last sentence is most telling. "I'll bide my time and do it when I think is best for ME and my kids."

PS...I hope you do nuke the sh-t outta the OM. Serves him right.


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## Chaparral

So this means you have decided to divorce her?


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## Guy1975

alte Dame said:


> I'm pretty careful to draw conclusions & definitely like to have real data, real evidence, but, as a woman, I have to tell you that I think your wife is playing you.
> 
> Please be careful not to believe that all is OK. Please check.


It's funny how your mind can play tricks on you. I was reading other some other posts and someone mentioned the "nostalgia" of the relationship, and I can totally see that. There are times when our relationship is great and my mind says, "things are great, you must be crazy to think otherwise". But I realize that's not the case, just getting caught up in the way I want it to be.


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## Malaise

Guy1975 said:


> It's funny how your mind can play tricks on you. I was reading other some other posts and someone mentioned the "nostalgia" of the relationship, and I can totally see that. There are times when our relationship is great and my mind says, "things are great, you must be crazy to think otherwise". But I realize that's not the case, just getting caught up in the way I want it to be.


We can fool ourselves quite easily and rationalize almost any behavior.

If you do decide to D, make that choice with a clear head and stick to it.


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## Guy1975

chapparal said:


> So this means you have decided to divorce her?


No, not decided... but I've given it some serious thought. Who knows what will happen after I confront her. I think of reconciliation and I think of the nostalgia (see the prior post)... if our relationship could get back to then, and I could learn to forgive (???), it seems like a good place to be... but is that just the nostalgia of what we HAD that is tugging at me?


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## Guy1975

SomedayDig said:


> If you think your kids are gonna associate this with Christmas, then I'd suggest putting everything off until April. There are no real major holidays in April. Unless of course you're Druidic, in that case Arbor Day falls in April.
> .


Your right, I wouldn't want them to have hard feelings against trees! HA!


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## Chaparral

Any progress?


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## keko

Were you able to find any other evidence?

Any unaccounted for times? Long shopping trips? Girls night out?


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