# Someone looking for help



## alyssa_s (Apr 16, 2013)

Hi.

First of all I would like to send my condolences to the spouses here dealing with infidelity as a reality, and I know there's nothing I could say to this group as a stranger on the internet, but I am sorry.

Second, I'm new to this site and this will be my first post. I stumbled upon this website after doing internet searches for questions I have regarding infidelity - this board seemed the most comprehensive, and most passionate about helping others.

So that brings me to the point of this post, I need help and I don't know where to go or who to ask. I'm not a spouse, I'm a teenager, and I've suspected that my mom is cheating on my dad. My mom's behavior has changed within about the past year and a half, and a lot of it, based on information I've read on here and other websites, and common sense, seem to point to infidelity. If she hasn't yet, in my opinion her behavior puts her at risk of engaging in extramarital relationships.

I have compiled a list of her worrisome behavior, or at least some "red flags" that alarm me, but I won't post it yet because I'm not sure if I'm allowed to do so here, and I would like some feedback first, because I wouldn't want to trivialize anyone's own experience or seem like some kid wanting to play detective games. I'm not, I'm serious and I need help. Thanks for reading this! And I'm sorry if I offended anyone.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I discovered a letter in my car when I was 17. I was cleaning out my car at my grandparent's house, as I'm not the most organized guy out there. Also I had been allowing my mom's boyfriend (she was divorced from my father) to use my car for his bartending job. 

I read the letter I found, and it basically spelled out that my mother's boyfriend was involved with another woman, a waitress at the bar, behind my mom's back. I didn't know what to do, and yet I did. Within 30 minutes that letter was in my mother's hand. You're young, maybe you're reading into things that aren't there, and yet you seem to be smart, so there may be fire where you are seeing smoke. The involved parties have a right to know what's happening, if there is anything happening, and I imagine the people here will need more evidence to fully decide.


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## alyssa_s (Apr 16, 2013)

Cabsy said:


> I discovered a letter in my car when I was 17. I was cleaning out my car at my grandparent's house, as I'm not the most organized guy out there. Also I had been allowing my mom's boyfriend (she was divorced from my father) to use my car for his bartending job.
> 
> I read the letter I found, and it basically spelled out that my mother's boyfriend was involved with another woman, a waitress at the bar, behind my mom's back. I didn't know what to do, and yet I did. Within 30 minutes that letter was in my mother's hand. You're young, maybe you're reading into things that aren't there, and yet you seem to be smart, so there may be fire where you are seeing smoke. The involved parties have a right to know what's happening, if there is anything happening, and I imagine the people here will need more evidence to fully decide.


Thank you for your response and for sharing your experience with me. I think I will post my list now and hope some people will be willing to help me.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

alyssa_s said:


> Thank you for your response and for sharing your experience with me. I think I will post my list now and hope some people will be willing to help me.


Alyssa, do post your concerns. There's a lot of people here who will be willing to help. In the meantime, you are not 'just a kid.' You seem to me to be smart and caring.


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## alyssa_s (Apr 16, 2013)

So I will post the list now. My questions are:
1) Do you think she may be cheating?
2) Is it my business even if she is? 

Here are some of the "red flags" that worry me about her behavior. Of note - I haven't been "hunting" for signs because I don't want to believe anything's going on, rather these are things that I just noticed because they're a difference of behavior and they occur often enough.

- She says she feels unappreciated (no matter how well she's treated), and that everything is boring to her now. She says she thinks she's having a midlife crisis and the family does things to try to make her happy, but most of the time she seems to want to be alone or away from the house.

- She gets defensive about everything now, and tries to play the victim even when no one is being accusatory towards her.

- She's starting doing/saying irrational and hurtful things towards my siblings and me, and if we confront her, she always snaps back with an unjust rationalization. She says we make her miserable and that we don't respect her feelings. She's more self-centered and is unable to empathize with others.

- For her work company, day-long meetings are held once per month in San Francisco (we are near LA). She used to hate these meetings because she hates flying and would usually be home as soon as she could be, leaving at 3:30 AM and returning at around 9 PM. Now it's become her thing to call last minute to tell us she's going to spend the night, sometimes her flight is delayed and she's too tired to wait at the airport, other times she's so tired that she wants to spend the night, other times her co-workers "drag" her to a bar. 

- She also used to hate going to in-town work functions and would use any excuse possible to get out of going, but lately it seems like she's been going to every single one. I know you're allowed to bring your spouse, because she used to invite my dad when she did end up going, but now she never does.

- Our family used to have access to each other's email accounts, which was mostly to make sure that my siblings and I weren't doing anything bad. My mom had several email accounts that served different purposes, and I used to log into her personal account to read update emails that my aunt (her sister) would send her. Around last year, she changed that password and when I just casually mentioned it she snapped "Well you wouldn't let me have your Facebook password would you?"

- When she's texting or using her computer, she always snaps at my siblings and me if we go near her, and she also wrongly accuses us of using her computer. Recently, she's been hiding it when she goes out of the house.

- She complains about my dad when she's not around, which she never used to do. She'll complain about a mess he left, that he's not home enough (he works a lot), that he could be making more money if he switched careers, that her salary is bigger than his and she supports the family, a number of things.

- My parents used to never be shy about acting affectionate, even in front of my siblings and me. It was usually my mom initiating it, but now my dad's the only one initiating and when he does, my mom will say things like "Stop it, the kids are watching"

- She goes out with her friends more often and gets irritated and put in a bad mood if we ask her where they're going, what they're doing, or who she's going with.

- Last year we hosted a large get together for my mom's friend who was moving to Canada, and my dad wasn't there (work). She was tipsy, and my little sister and I saw her and a guy who we just met that day kiss each other on the cheek when he left. She told us he was just a friend from high school, but later told us a story about how he asked tried to kiss her once. When this was brought up later (my little sister asked her if my dad knew the guy), she lied about them kissing on the cheek and about the story, even though my sister and I remembered both incidents. I understand being embarrassed about the story, but kissing on the cheek is harmless, so why lie about it unless she thought my sister would tell my dad? Even then, why worry about my sister telling my dad unless there was something else that made her unwilling to be suspected?

- My parents have been having more petty arguments, mainly because of my mom's new attitude and her short temper.

- Within the past six months or so, she's been putting more effort into her appearance. She gets her hair cut more often, has been losing weight, goes shopping more often, and her style has gotten "bolder."

- On a rainy weekend we were all in watching Lifetime movies (lol) and there was one about an affair (the one with Diane Lane in it) and she told us, "I would never do that to your father." It seemed really random/unnecessary at the time.

- She accuses people of going through her belongings but can't prove anything because we don't. She's so quick to get angry at nothing but the thought of it, but that only indicates, to me at least, that she has something to hide.

My mom has always been pretty fragile emotionally, and when her emotions are compromised she tends to act selfishly and compulsively. She's never really been able to respond to negative emotions rationally and maturely, and she tends to seek out validation for her feelings. People in general like her personality, and men find her attractive (she gets approached/flirted with in public a lot, even with my siblings and I with her). She's a control freak and gets bent out of shape when the littlest thing doesn't go her way, which makes the out of town delays suspicious, because she's always happier for the first few days she comes back. She's careful and precise in her actions, she's good at hiding things (both physically and not), and she's good at lying (I've caught her in lies but she either finds a way to get out of it or I just don't bring it up because she's my mom). All of this seems dangerous and is either telling of something going on, or at least it puts light on risk of her doing something damaging to my parents' relationship. I hate myself for saying this but I'm sure it would be easy for her to pull off infidelity without being detected.

I want to make it clear that I'm not against my mom and feel bad for doing this/thinking this. But I can't stop thinking, and I've talked to a counselor at school who pretty much told me that marriage is too complicated for me to understand at my age, and that I should let my parents live their own life and that "probably" nothing is going on. In all, she made it worse because it seemed like she thought my mom was cheating but didn't want to cause problems. I love both my parents so much, and overall I've had a great family life, but this is why my mom is worrying me so much. My dad is the best and he definitely doesn't deserve to be cheated on, but I'm also worried about my mom. Even if she's not cheating this is still worrisome, and if she is, she won't be able to handle it and will self-destruct. I'm sorry for venting, but I'm so confused and frustrated and am just hoping for some kind of help. Thanks if you read all that.


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## alyssa_s (Apr 16, 2013)

Louise7 said:


> Alyssa, do post your concerns. There's a lot of people here who will be willing to help. In the meantime, you are not 'just a kid.' You seem to me to be smart and caring.


Thank you for your kindness. I've posted the list now


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

alyssa_s said:


> Thank you for your kindness. I've posted the list now


First off, the counsellor you saw isn't worth confiding in again but you do need to find someone to confide in who you trust.

As to your list, yes, there are 'red flags' there but not enough to determine if this is all due to infidelity. 

How is your relationship with your dad? How old are your siblings? How long have your parents been together?

Stay with us, keep posting and help will be along from other members soon.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Alysssa,

The list you posted alone are not sufficient to conclude either way.
You have a moral obligation to your father and the family. Dont ignore your gut.

Girls are quick and good at picking up "if something is wrong".

My suggestion is that you need to act normal and find out / dig more.

Take care
AU


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

If a spouse posted that list of red flags (and yes, they are large, red, and waving frantically, I think) a lot of experienced posters would probably be stating odds in favour of an affair - emotional, at least, but with the extra nights staying over, etc, reasonable chance of Physical too.

But, as has been noted, it's not conclusive - just a strong indication. Of course what we don't know from this perspective is how the couple's intimate life is affected. (From the emotional fallout alone, though, I would suspect negatively.)

Difficult situation. You have my sympathys, Alyssa.

Will PM you something to consider.

Good luck,

Rags


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Not conclusive but enough to make my spidy senses tingle. Keep your radar on and investigate undercover. And know that your gut is your best friend. Believe it and listen to it!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Either she is having an affair or is looking to have one or is heading towards a breakdown of some kind. Your counsellor is useless. Very dismissive of your valid concerns. Is there someone else you can confide in?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Hi Alyssa,
I'm sorry that you find yourself here on the one hand, but for the situation you're in, you probably came to the right place.

Your list is filled with screaming red flags. To me, they demand investigation. The question is, are you the one to do the investigating? Probably not. I wonder, have you talked to your dad about this at all? What about your siblings, how old are they? I know it would be a hard discussion to start, but it could make things easier on you all if you are open and honest about what is going on. If you do talk, and your father shares your concerns, it would be a good idea to send him here to get advice on what to do.

Either way, if you want some insight into what is going on with your mom, get the book Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown. Things are starting to spin out of control for her, and this will affect you all, but you can all get through this.

Please remember you are not imposing on us, you are welcome here, we want to help you and your family.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

alyssa_s said:


> So I will post the list now. My questions are:
> 1) Do you think she may be cheating?
> 2) Is it my business even if she is?
> 
> ...


If this were your dad posting this instead of you, just about every poster responding would be telling your dad that there is an extremely high probability that his wife was cheating on him. The changing of passwords and protecting the phone and computer used to communicate are the biggest red flags that every cheater does. The other stuff just adds to the picture.

Tell your dad your suspicions and why. Maybe he is aware of reasons for your mom's behavior. Ask him to post here and we will help him through it.

Confronting your mom probably won't work, she will deny it and then just take steps to hide it better. Your dad is going to have to use other means to investigate without your mom knowing, then he will be able to find out whether or not she is cheating. We can tell him how to go about it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You could approach your dad like this: Tell him everything you have noticed and ask him what he thinks is wrong with her. 

Because affair or not, clearly something is wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Print out the list you wrote and give it to him so that nothing gets left out of your conversation. Emotions can get in the way of processing information, or even allowing you to finish providing it verbally. He can read/re-read whenever he likes.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

calmwinds said:


> Print out the list you wrote and give it to him so that nothing gets left out of your conversation. Emotions can get in the way of processing information, or even allowing you to finish providing it verbally. He can read/re-read whenever he likes.


If you let your father know, dont let him confront her. Direct him here first. There are a lot of experinced people here that can help
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Hi Alyssa.

You are one very articulate young lady! And I commend you for having the courage to open up here. It can be a really hard thing for someone in your position to navigate.

My thoughts... 

I'm not in your world, but, I definitely get the feeling that SOMETHING is going on with your mum. There's a fair chance that she could be cheating, whether emotionally and/or physically.

When people behave like that, as if they have something to hide, other possibilities are drug addictions, gambling addictions etc. But from what you have described, it points more to the possibility of cheating.

You mentioned that she said she might be going through a mid life crisis. It sounds like she is definitely going through some changes, even changes that seem to affect her personality, or her mental state.

I'm not saying one way or the other if this is the case, but some people with bipolar disorder who are going through an episode can have a heightened sense of sexual confidence along with a general spike in overall confidence. Again, i'm not a doctor, but if the egg is before the chicken here, she could have had some kind of mind altering change, whether due to some kind of episode or something else, and that could have been part of what took her in this direction.

It's up to you what you do, but if i were in your position, i would talk to your dad and share your concerns. 

IF you did, how do you think he would respond? Do you have some idea of what you might say if you were to bring it up?

And lastly, just to second everyone else here, I agree that your counsellor is a total douche... i can't believe she said that to you. Totally invalidating and more about her wanting to not make waves than really being there for you in a truly difficult situation. I do hope you fan find some other adult you are close to to open up to about this. Perhaps you could get their support before you approach your dad.

Keep us posted hey, and if you want, feel free to inbox me

Cheers

QuietSoul


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## alyssa_s (Apr 16, 2013)

Thanks for all your responses, everyone


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## alyssa_s (Apr 16, 2013)

Louise7 said:


> First off, the counsellor you saw isn't worth confiding in again but you do need to find someone to confide in who you trust.
> 
> As to your list, yes, there are 'red flags' there but not enough to determine if this is all due to infidelity.
> 
> ...


My relationship with my dad is good, overall. We had a small argument recently (unrelated to this) so I've been walking on eggshells as of late, but I know I could still go to him about anything.

My siblings are 21 and 13, both sisters, and my parents will have been married for 24 years this September.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

alyssa_s said:


> Thanks for all your responses, everyone


You are most welcome! Do please know that as there are people from all over the world there is usually someone here who can offer you help and advice.

Have you decided what to do, yet? 

By the way, never confront your mom by yourself with these concerns.

Has your older sister noticed anything about your mother?


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## alyssa_s (Apr 16, 2013)

AngryandUsed said:


> Alysssa,
> 
> The list you posted alone are not sufficient to conclude either way.
> You have a moral obligation to your father and the family. Dont ignore your gut.
> ...


Thank you. How could I find out / dig more while maintaining my place as a daughter?


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## alyssa_s (Apr 16, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> You are most welcome! Do please know that as there are people from all over the world there is usually someone here who can offer you help and advice.
> 
> Have you decided what to do, yet?
> 
> ...


Hi,

No, unfortunately I'm having a hard time deciding what to do. If I told my dad, I'm pretty sure he would ask my mom if she was okay, she would tell him something like "I'm just going through my mid life struggles, but I'll be fine," he trusts her, so he would be satisfied with it and that would be the end of it. My dad's a "happy wife, happy life" kind of person. The problem is, to me, that it's obvious she's not happy, or at least not as happy as she used to be. Knowing my mom, things could easily spiral out of control if they haven't already. My dad has always let my mom get away with being wrong for the sake of keeping peace, but there's something potentially big going on and that's much different.

About my older sister, she's at college but she sometimes comes home on weekends. So she's noticed my mom's overall change in behavior, but these two have never really gotten along so I don't think telling that her what I think is a good idea, at least right now.


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## alyssa_s (Apr 16, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Your list is filled with screaming red flags. To me, they demand investigation. The question is, are you the one to do the investigating? Probably not. I wonder, have you talked to your dad about this at all? What about your siblings, how old are they? I know it would be a hard discussion to start, but it could make things easier on you all if you are open and honest about what is going on. If you do talk, and your father shares your concerns, it would be a good idea to send him here to get advice on what to do.


I know I'm probably not the one who should be investigating my mom, but the problem is, I know my dad won't be that person either. Even if my dad is suspicious, as I am, knowing him he wouldn't tell me. If I told my dad, I'm sure that would be the end of this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

alyssa_s said:


> I know I'm probably not the one who should be investigating my mom, but the problem is, I know my dad won't be that person either. Even if my dad is suspicious, as I am, knowing him he wouldn't tell me. If I told my dad, I'm sure that would be the end of this.


Anyone else you could confide in?


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Alyssa, is there a relative or other adult you could talk to about what's happening? If not, could you ask to see a counsellor outside school?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You may be surprised by your Dad. Cheating is a biggy! That may be something he wouldn't sweep under the carpet quite so swiftly. Though the risk of him doing so, especially with him broaching the subject with your mum, is a big concern. The last thing you need is him mentioning and then dropping the issue, thereby giving your mother the heads up that she needs to hide her behaviour better.

The thing is though, he is most likely well aware of the issues already, those thoughts will have very likely gone through his mind already. He is probably feeling frequently miserable, rejected, concerned, and so on. I think you are going to have to speak to your dad soon regardless. It is just whether you do your own investigating 1st and go to him with some evidence so he can't just ignore the issue, or whether you tell him and hope he does his own investigating. Which if he does, there are many people here who know what to do, where and how to look for info. 

I think when you do go to your dad you need to swear him to secrecy and to not mention a thing to your mum...yet! Whether he will be able to keep his promise is another story, but at least you can try and get him to. And then you can give him the 'how to do it' guide from TAM. Confronting without evidence is absolutely the WORST thing any betrayed spouse can do to help their situation. And yet so many of us do. And this is the reason he must, absolutely must, keep the secret.


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