# my wife left and I'm devastated



## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

I have been married for 17 years. I met my wife 21 years ago and we moved in together shortly thereafter. I honestly love her more now that when we first married. 7 weeks ago she told me she was moving out and into a house with someone else. It could take several weeks as there were renovations to complete. The reason were pretty common: I wasn't interested in her friends or activities and I was too temperamental, taking my job frustrations out on the family. I took immediate responsibility for everything. There is no abuse in this relatinship, that is no physical, alcohol or drug abuse and no infidelity. I asked her to please go to counselling with me but she said no as it was too late.
I am going to therapy anyway. Meanwhile she continued to live in our house as though nothing has happened. No packing. Doing her laundry. Watching TV. Going to work. After 3 weeks my son and daughter an I sat her down and asked her to please do the right thing and move out now. It was a family decision. Watching her come and go everyday, leaving to be with "him" and work on her new house was like reliving the whole ordeal every single day. Not healthy for anyone. She agreed tearfully and packed some clothes to go to her Dad's. That was a weekg ago. She's still there and has packed no more items. She sas she wants nothing but her personal items and things she inherited from her Mom. She awants the kids to stay with me because I offer more stability and she knows they are in great hands.
A couple of days ago I suffered a major anxiety attack and was taken from work to hospital with a suspected heart attack. I was given a sedative and when I awoke there she was standing next to me. She was a wreck. She held my hand. She cried. My kids and family said she was white as a ghost when she heard the news. She didn't take it well at all. Eventually she left because she felt having her there was making me worse.
She has avoided talking to anyone that might tell her she's making a mistake. Sh'es alienated her own adult stepson. She didn't seek out advice from her two sisters or her fater or her best friend. It appears the only person she has ever confided in is "him". He's an alcoholic, chronically unemployed, chainsmoker who has had affairs with no less than 3 married women in the past 2 years. He lost his license for impaired driving. I am at complete loss to figure this relationship out. My wife is beautiful ( to me at least), bright, a Girl Guides leader, community volunteer...a truly great lady.
I believe this is a classic mid-life crisis scenario. I still take my share of the blame for her unhappiness, but only my share. I think ( as does my counsellor, who met her for one session when she agreed to " go for me" ) she has a lot of issues that have nothing to do with me at all.
I'm not sure why I'm telling this story other than the idea that others have gone through the same things is somehow comforting.
Update:

It took her more than 4 weeks, but d-day has finally arrived. She dropped off some boxes this morning and there's more in her van. I made one more appeal to her sense of right and conscience. I tried to explain that she is on the verge of making a huge mistake she will regret the rest of her life. Her relationship with our kids will never be the same. I appealed to her to do the right thing and try again for the kid's sake. No response. I guess it just has to happen. I know I'm grasping at straws but I can't help thinking that the guilt and strain ( not to mention financial pressures) of finally, physically moving out and into a new house with another man will catch up to her. Nothing sh'e done up til now has been logical or rational so I'm probably delusional.

Update:
My wife has been coming to the house daily now for a week. She always has an excuse like checking for mail or picking up some small item. I told her a long time ago I would text her any time she has mail. She always stays longer than necessary, including a 2 1/2 hour visit this week to check her e-mail and pick up two small boxes of kids' craft supplies she needed for a project. She walks about the house looking at her things, but never removing any. She hasn't taken anything except a couple of DVD's for weeks. 
I'm cautious about getting my hopes up, but this doesn't look at all like someone who doesn't want to be here. She's lost a little weight which I complimented her on. In the next few minutes she bent over in front of me in her tight jeans about 5 times " looking" for something. My wife has a chronically bad back....missing two vertebrae. It causes her great pain to bend at the waist and always has.
Something's up.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its sounds like your W is hanging out for the same reason she wants you to keep the kids, stablity and security.
She is in a fog and is enjoying the fantasy of "him" , but deep down she knows who the better person is (YOU). She sounds like she is addicted to "him" but knows where to go to feel safe and secure.
There may be some hope for this marriage, if only she stops all contact with "him".
Good luck, on the whole balancing act between not pushing her away and maintaining your self respect.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

She's going out of town to visit with her sisters on Thursday then on to Toronto for a 3 day convention . That's 4 days away from "him". I'll take whatever I can get. Our daughter is at the point where she doesn't really want to talk to her Mom anymore. This has to be killing my wife. I am trying my best to be patient as ther's not much I can do anyway. The decision to come back has to be hers. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

K,
Most of us here are also dealing with the hardest thing in our lives.
I'm sure you've checked out some of the other threads on this site and the stuggle we all go through.
You are not alone and there are folk that have some good advice.
Is d-day finalized?


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## earthmike (Oct 20, 2010)

Wow!
It is just so strange when we live our lives and survive by using our intellects and commom sense. Then we have realationships and I almost think you have to be in some sort of phsycosis to survive one. I worked in the same company with why ex-wife for 4 years. In that time she was raped by a freak that assaulted 8 women over 5 years before he was caught. She was divorced with 2 kids, 13 and 8. Her ex was a looser. I started dating her 3 years after her rape. She got pregnent with me and I married her 6 months prior to her giving birth to the most perfect little boy. We all moved in together and life was good. Her 13 year old daughter decided I was the evil step dad and my wife left me after 2 years of marrige. I neber did anything but love them. It is only now that I realize she is suffering from a mental disorder. Us hurt men that have done nothing wrong have to start understanding we did nothing wrong. We have to love ourselves. If we don't they will shorten our lives by 5 years at least from stress. Love yourself man. It is just sick that there are so many fine women out there that would love to have us. Someone to trust unconditionally till death. Love her children forever too. Ours or not. We just got unlucky I guess. Hang in there and trust yourself and God.


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## earthmike (Oct 20, 2010)

*I have always tried to fix women - Wrong move!*

Wow!
It is just so strange when we live our lives and survive by using our intellects and commom sense. Then we have realationships and I almost think you have to be in some sort of phsycosis to survive one. I worked in the same company with my ex-wife for 4 years. In that time she was raped by a freak that assaulted 8 women over 5 years before he was caught. She was divorced with 2 kids, 13 and 8. Her ex was a looser. I started dating her 3 years after her rape. She got pregnent with me and I married her 6 months prior to her giving birth to the most perfect little boy. We all moved in together and life was good. Her 13 year old daughter decided I was the evil step dad and my wife left me after 2 years of marrige. I never did anything but love them and I am not just saying that. I tried and I was the perfect Dad and Husband. It is only now that I realize she was suffering from a mental disorder as a result of her tramatic assault. Once she realized she had the power to cause me close to the same level of pain that she had suffered and was still suffering I was screwed. She never sought mental help for her attack and she buried it deep inside. The first time she hurt me deeply and I cried out loud I saw a look in her eye that scared me as much as anything I had ever gone thru. I was a extreme skier and had jumped off 100 foot cliffs and broke my neck and shoulder and knee and arm so I knew what physical pain was. Us hurt men that have done nothing wrong have to start understanding we did nothing wrong. We have to love ourselves. If we don't they will shorten our lives by 5 years at least from stress. Love yourself man. It is just sick that there are so many fine women out there that would love to have us. Someone to trust unconditionally till death. Love her children forever too. Ours or not. We just got unlucky I guess. Hang in there and trust yourself and God. 
Earthmike


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

the guy said:


> K,
> Most of us here are also dealing with the hardest thing in our lives.
> I'm sure you've checked out some of the other threads on this site and the stuggle we all go through.
> You are not alone and there are folk that have some good advice.
> Is d-day finalized?


I have no idea if d-day is finalized. I mean she is actually living in the new place, but she's never taken any of the things she asked for, only her clothes and toiletries. It's like she uses our house like a storage locker. She's always coming here (every single day) if she needs to use the computer or get some little item she needs for work. She has no phone, computer or TV and no money. She's overdrawn to the max on her accounts and had her hours slashed to part-time at work. "HE" has nothing and appears to contribute nothing. She was given free rent for two months in exchange for the work he did in removating the house. The first of Dec rent and utilities will be due and there is no way she will be able to handle it. Electric heat in an old rickety farmhouse will cost a fortune alone. He doesn't work. He just does odd jobs to get enough money to drink on the weekend. 
My honest and most objective opinion is that she still loves me, misses the kids, the house and her pets immensely, but is far too proud and stubborn to admit she made a mistake. I am hopeful she will start therapy soon at my and her family's urging. If her doctor can get her to resume taking the anti-depressants she was originally prescribed she mught actually start to see things more clearly. 
She and I have problems, but they can be worked out IMO. She has thrown out the baby with the bathwater. I have not encountered one person, friend ( hers or mine), family ( hers or mine) that supports her decision or saw this coming.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Does she still have keys to your house? Why is she allowed to come and go as she pleases. I ask this because as someone pointed out you are the security and safety for her. But you aren't the emotional and physical outlet for her. Since it was her decision to leave -- get the keys back. This is a consequence for her action of leaving -- she forfeits the right of access to the family home.

When doing something like this -- getting the keys back or changing the locks it always needs to be framed as "I want us to work on our marriage and be together, but until you are not involved with another man that is not possible so you are not allowed access to the family home whenever you like. This is a consequence of your actions".

If she doesn't have keys, then forget my thoughts.


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> ... getting the keys back or changing the locks it always needs to be framed. ...


Changing the locks, even if you tell her you are going to do it, becomes a legal issue that can be used against you. Everything else I feel is spot on however. She is using your family and your marital home as an escape, and that cannot continue.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Does she still have keys to your house? Why is she allowed to come and go as she pleases. I ask this because as someone pointed out you are the security and safety for her. But you aren't the emotional and physical outlet for her. Since it was her decision to leave -- get the keys back. This is a consequence for her action of leaving -- she forfeits the right of access to the family home.
> 
> When doing something like this -- getting the keys back or changing the locks it always needs to be framed as "I want us to work on our marriage and be together, but until you are not involved with another man that is not possible so you are not allowed access to the family home whenever you like. This is a consequence of your actions".
> 
> If she doesn't have keys, then forget my thoughts.


She does still have her keys and where we live I cannot lock her out. She still owns half the house. This isn't about trust. I trust her not to rip me off. I agree it's about principles. I'm not happy that she comes and goes as she pleases. She seems to be having her cake and eating it too. She doesn't want to live here, but still wants to enjoy the benefits of being married to me. I admit it's a delicate situation. I don't want to antagonize her as I'm hopeful there is still love here. That saaid I can't let her walk all over me either.


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## earthmike (Oct 20, 2010)

I am an idiot with computers. I wrote about my situation but I have no idea if anyone saw it or read it. Did I not pui it in the right place?
Earthmike


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

earthmike said:


> I am an idiot with computers. I wrote about my situation but I have no idea if anyone saw it or read it. Did I not pui it in the right place?
> Earthmike



Earthmike: All of your posts are within this one thread. Typically members focus on the original posters story only. You could ask a mod to move your posts to your own thread, or just re-post what you'd like in your own thread.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

KRinOnt,

She may legally own half the house, but she choose to leave. Always remember that. Antagonize her? Probably will. But again she choose to leave she shouldn't get to eat her cake and have you for security. It makes you look weak -- she will lose respect for you. You can't be worried about making her mad about the consequences of her own actions. That is her issue.

Believe me I understand your perspective. You don't want to make her "mad at you" -- that seems counterintuitive. But standing up for yourself is a good thing and if she gets mad at you for blocking access to the family home -- that is her issue and again the result of her actions, not yours. You must always think of it in that light. She moved out -- not you. 

Do you have keys to her new place? I bet not. How is that fair. She has secrecy and you don't? 

Again, if you decide to take the first step in reclaiming her respect and block her access to the familial home, you don't do it in an angry way you simply say since you decided to move out and I do not have access to your place, then I request your keys to the house. I'd love to grant you access anytime you want, but only when you are not involved with another man and are willing to work on our marriage with me. 

Again, just my thoughts. Do with them what you will.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

I can't argue with your logic


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

You know what I'll never understand? Ever? Why my wife left the kids with me. I'm a good father, have a steady job and a decent house and all. I know I can provide for them. That said, the woman I've been with all these years would never have allowed herself to be apart from her children. I know tey're no little anymore, but our daughter is at that age when she and her Mom should be bonding even more. Now is the time she will need her mother more than ever....her period, boys, high school etc. I offered my wife the chance to stay in our house with the kids and I'd live with my parents for a bit until we could come up with a more permanent solution and she declined. 
How my wife can possibly say she's happier now than she was a couple of months ago I don't understand. She walked away from me, our kids, her pets, her house ( which is soon to be paid for) and most of her possessions. She is now with an unemployed man who is an alcoholic. She lives in a broken down old house with little to no furniture, no phone, no TV, no internet and her hours cut to part time at work. None of her kids will come visit her. Her beat up old car will soon die. She gave up everything for nothing. I know some will say maybe she just didn't love you anymore and loves this man now. Possibly, but the trade isn't equitable. She wasn't abused or controlled. She has all the freedom with me she could want. No jealousy and lots of trust. 
All she has done is transfer all her problems to a new setting and lost even more in the process. I'm beginning to worry about possible drug dependency. Ohter explanations elude me.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

We had a fight the other day. Our first since this happened. It wasn't too serious. It was over the way I felt she was treating the kids. We seemed to smooth it over OK. That was 3 days ago. Yesterday she's texting me back and forth as friendly as can be. She came to the house twice on Tues. Brought us cookies she baked. She wants to get together to talk about the Kid's Christmas presents. 
I will never understand this woman


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

You're just being far too nice to her which many women find utterly boring in a man. The other man likely provides a sense of excitement.

Right now you're providing all her safety and security comfort needs, and he's providing drama and interest. She fully intends to keep you on as a friend.

Obivously she is responding with sexual interest to an *******, so your solution is to add an element of being an ******* to your approach to her.

I'd change the locks, go no contact, and start looking into filing for divorce, full custody and child support on her. Then see how things play out.

You may be interested in Married Man Sex Life: The Basics Part 1 - What The Hell Happened?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

KRinOnt,

Listen to Atholk and go to his website, some very interesting articles, and discussions. You can pay me later Athlok for the plug -- lol.

Seriously, you are applying logic to her thinking. That is all wrong. She isn't about logic her thinking is based on emotion right now. She is in the "fog". It is an alternate universe where in her mind everyone will be happy that she is "finally happy", she will get half the assets, normally I would say the kids, keep the family home and of course not have any of the debt.

Right now she can't see the fact she is with a "loser" and it doesn't matter. Go find some threads by Lastinline and see the comparison between him and the guy his ex w is with -- deifes logic.

No words of endearment will work right now. No begging, no pleading. What she needs is a dose of the consequences of her actions, which include the stopping of her unfettered access to the familial home. Sorry, but until you do that -- nothing will change. And of course she will be mad, pissed, etc. But you can't worry about that. She is an adult -- let her start seeing the consequences.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Thanks for the plug Feelingalone


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Thanks all. You've given me a lot to think about. My therapist thinks along the same lines as you.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Less thinking, more action. 

I mean that very kindly.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> KRinOnt,
> 
> Listen to Atholk and go to his website, some very interesting articles, and discussions. You can pay me later Athlok for the plug -- lol.
> 
> ...


Yeah. I went to his website. Sorry but all I see is sexist *** hole. I don't think so.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

KRinOnt said:


> Yeah. I went to his website. Sorry but all I see is sexist *** hole. I don't think so.


I realize you're in the middle of a personal life ****storm, so I'm just going to roll with that one.

That being said, I'm very good with women and have a pretty good track record at helping guys get their sex lives and marriages back on track. What you _perceive _as me being a sexist ******* is a fundamental part of that. In all seriousiness about 55-60% of my readership is female, so it's not like I'm driving women away.

If you change your mind the blog is still there.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

KrinOnt,

Maybe you aren't ready for it or didn't dig into the archives. But Atholk has a lot of wisdom for this. No matter. You are acting as a beta male all the time. You need to an Alpha some. I'm not talking about being an @##hole, but being strong.

Go and out and buy a book like Taking back your NUTS or Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants by Elliott Katz. There are others.

I do suggest you going to either marriagebuilders.com or affaircare.com and reading material there. Affaircare and her husband Tanelornpete post on the forum helping people through affairs. 

As Atholk said I know this is a trying time for you. But you need to stand up for yourself -- in the right way. I'm not talking thumping your chest, I'm talking about being in control of yourself and your environment, being confident, realizing that there are many other woman out in the world if you choose, etc.

Bettering yourself. Do you exercise? If not, start. Start living a little.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

KRinOnt said:


> The reason were pretty common: I wasn't interested in her friends or activities and I was too temperamental, taking my job frustrations out on the family. I took immediate responsibility for everything. There is no abuse in this relatinship, that is no physical, alcohol or drug abuse and no infidelity. I asked her to please go to counselling with me but she said no as it was too late.


 I just answered your newest post about women & mid life crisis -it was before I read this about the *WHY's* she might have left. So it sounds like you admit to emotional abuse? She was probably harboring resentment for many years and finally it came to a head & for her , she felt it was too late. Doesn't mean it is, just that she FEELS it is. 

Maybe in her anger towards you, anything & anyone looked better, maybe him in all his patheitc dysfunction was a better listener , shared more of her interests - Hard to tell. 

I see you are getting alot of advice to lock her out of the house, file divorce papers, don't talk to her, I see you didnt care for the Alpha male website , feeling that advice would reduce you to an A**hole. As I didn't read anything on the site, I am not sure what to say. I know some truth resides in this kind of material, probably the most is what women want "in the bedroom". 

I am trying to imagine if I was in your wife's situation how I might feel and this is what I think -- have you acknowledged, truly acknowledged her pain, asking for her forgiveness - in how you was too tempermental, possibly emotional abusive all these years ,how you did not take the time to care about her activites/interests , have you shown her how much you truly want her back in your arms, NOT WHAT THE KIDS WANT, but WHAT YOU WANT. 

I would say , in order to win her back, you must go out on a limb and totally humble yourself at her feet (be a nice guy, not the Alpha male here), show her you are sorry for hurting her all of these years (if you can admit you have any fault in this?) show her you are a changed man. Kinda like that song "Dont know what you got, till it's gone" - live that before her ... Maybe even do the LOVE DARE for a month. Of coare you are angry she left you and HURT deeply. Try to remember what brought this on though, remember your hand in this. If you had been a loving attentive husband, ain't no alcoholoc chain smoking unemployed idiot going to win her attentions. 

The good news --- Beings she is sticking her butt in your face and you know this causes her physical pain, and she is lingering around the house during these visits, she may be WAITING patiently for YOU to lavish the love you never did before on her, hoping & praying YOU will do this 1st !! You know how us women are, we want the men to "come to us" pursue us !! If you love her ENOUGH to allow yourself to be rejected by her - I say sit her down, pull her close, pour out your HEART to her, tell her you want to show her you are a changed man before her. See how she responds. 

Then...

If she still wants him -- BE that A-hole that the website is talking about. Just make sure you take my advice 1st. 

If it was me and you skipped "my advice", I would be probably be a stubborn mule and not give you the time of day, and if you only taked about what the kids wanted , and not yourself, why would I want to come back to that. 

Just my thoughts


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

SimplyAmorous,
I saw your other response and replied. Thank-you. I think emotional abuse sounds pretty harsh, but I don't deny my actions. I was never physically abusive and I have never even resorted to name-calling. I just acted like a temperamental ass, yelling and tossing things around. We had talked about it in the past and I had even gone to counselling in the past for this. It really helped and things were very good for a long time. I'm not pointing fingers, but there was also more she could have done to help me change. She has a tendency to lay the responsibility at me feet and not actively help in the healing process. The two of us working together would have helped immensely.
I have poured my heart out to her (at least in the first three weeks when she was still living in our house). I made it very clear that I accept my role in her unhappiness and I will do whatever it takes to fix it. I told her the door was open and I loved her unconditionally. I would not judge her. I told her I knew that in her heart she was doing what she felt she had to for herself and I was doing my best to understand.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

KRinOnt said:


> I saw your other response and replied. Thank-you. I think emotional abuse sounds pretty harsh, but I don't deny my actions.


 This is good, always important to explore our own actions and how we contributed to the breakdown and go out of our way to change our behavior if this is what our spouse needs from us. This speaks love.



KRinOnt said:


> She has a tendency to lay the responsibility at me feet and not actively help in the healing process. The two of us working together would have helped immensely.


 No doubt some women, even men, can be this way, makes it all the more difficult for true reconciliation.




KRinOnt said:


> I told her the door was open and I loved her unconditionally. I would not judge her. I told her I knew that in her heart she was doing what she felt she had to for herself and I was doing my best to understand.


 Being able to forgive her -after all of this and she comes back -will be needed. And trying to understand , wonderful, telling her you love her unconditionally - NOT such a good thing. She may feel she can walk all over you when she hears stuff like that. And how long can you love her unconditionally when she is sleeping & living with another man? 

I think it all good to humble yourself in the beginning, really show your remorse and all, but if she decides she wants to stay with him, no more unconditional love needed. I guess it is a matter of how long do you want to hold out to see if she has a change of heart or comes to her senses. 

Don't wait forever. You deserve better. 

Does sound like a Classic Mid Life crisis though. What do I know but I think there is alot of hope if you play your cards right. Dont be too Nice & accomdating under these circumstances, but don't let her have just anything she wants either. She has to be made aware of what she is loosing. If she feels YOU are moving on with your life and finally shutting her out of it, it wouldn't surprise me at all if she comes crawling back to you.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think it all good to humble yourself in the beginning, really show your remorse and all, but if she decides she wants to stay with him, no more unconditional love needed. I guess it is a matter of how long do you want to hold out to see if she has a change of heart or comes to her senses.


I said all of that stuff in the beginning. I'm not in that place anymore. There will be conditions if she wants to try and reconcile. 

1. he's finished. No contact.
2. she must consent to counselling for herself and to couples therapy

While I stopped short of demanding her key I have made it clear through my reactions that I'm not happy with her stopping by unannounced and as a result she has been texting or calling first. I have also told her no, it wasn't necessary for her to come by when it was clear it was yet another lame excuse to come over. She's still coming over and texting though (a lot) but on my terms. She texted me in the middle of the night this past Saturday. She said she wanted to say goodnight and ILU to our daughter but she knew fully well she was long gone to bed. She has been to a Halloween party and was probably a little tipsy. She may also have been trying to find out where I was as she thinks I'm seeing someone else.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Funny little bit I excluded and some new info. 

Ever since this ordeal began I have been confiding in a lady friend of mine. She went through a similar exprerience 18 months ago and is very empathetic. We have been getting very close and while there has been no physical involvment, we have both admitted to the attraction. If both our situations were different ( I'm still very emotionally commited to my wife and she is living with someone in a relationship that has turned very platonic) we would surely be together. She lives in a nearby town and runs a club my band performs at regularly.
2 weeks ago I sent the following text to this woman: 

_" I'll come over early and bring some posters. We can go and grab a bite after. I can't stay late as it would be awkward to explain to my kids at this point. I hope you understand. I know you do. I'll see you around 7. Bye."_

Not 30 seconds after sending that text I received the following from my wife:
_
" I think you meant to send this to someone else" _

Ow. Their names are right next to one another, stored alphabetically, in my contacts list. It was an honest mistake. I had no idea what to do so I simply never responded. Nothing more was ever said of it but then what could she possibly say anyway? 
Fast forward to today. My wife drops by ( she called first) to give the kids some Halloween candy. I had told her when she called I sent her 4 phtotos of our daughter in her costume the night before. She misunderstood and she asked to see the pictures when she got here. Apparently she never received any pictures via the texting.
I punched up the photo album on my phone and handed it to her. She started to scroll the pictures, laughing and teasing my daughter until she went one picture too far and up popped my lady friend. Now I wasn't really paying attention, but our daughter was. She said her mom stopped, said oops, clicked again and up came another picture of my friend. According to my daughter ( she's 13 BTW and very bright and perceptive) mom's face went completely blank. The big smile instantly disappeared. That's when she asked me how to switch it off. I said (and I was in complete ignorance of what was happening at this point) " just push the red button". That, of course, sent the screen back to the main wallpaper. Guess who??
My wife stood up and said she had to get going and made a rather hasty exit. 
Interesting stuff.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

KRinOnt said:


> Funny little bit I excluded and some new info.
> 
> Ever since this ordeal began I have been confiding in a lady friend of mine. She went through a similar exprerience 18 months ago and is very empathetic. We have been getting very close and while there has been no physical involvment, we have both admitted to the attraction. If both our situations were different ( I'm still very emotionally commited to my wife and she is living with someone in a relationship that has turned very platonic) we would surely be together. She lives in a nearby town and runs a club my band performs at regularly.
> 2 weeks ago I sent the following text to this woman:
> ...


And to think that you called me a sexist *******... this is exactly the sort of thing I suggest on my blog lol. Well done.

The reality is your wife wants to use you as her back up plan in case the relationship with the other man falls through. If you look like you're moving on, she may get left with neither the other man or you wanting her. So it creates enormous pressure on her to try and resolved the situation quickly... and we know the OM doesn't likely _really_ want her lol.

Your post made my day though.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Atholk said:


> And to think that you called me a sexist *******... this is exactly the sort of thing I suggest on my blog lol. Well done.
> 
> The reality is your wife wants to use you as her back up plan in case the relationship with the other man falls through. If you look like you're moving on, she may get left with neither the other man or you wanting her. So it creates enormous pressure on her to try and resolved the situation quickly... and we know the OM doesn't likely _really_ want her lol.
> 
> Your post made my day though.


It's not like I did this deliberately. I don't disagree with your assertion it may make her jealous and force her hand somewhat, but that's not that same as deliberately trying to manipulate her. I'm sorry, I.m just not the person that can treat someone that way. I have to live with myself afterward you know.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

KRinOnt said:


> It's not like I did this deliberately. I don't disagree with your assertion it may make her jealous and force her hand somewhat, but that's not that same as deliberately trying to manipulate her. I'm sorry, I.m just not the person that can treat someone that way. I have to live with myself afterward you know.


I meant the obviously showing interest in other women and ability to attract other women. The bit with the cell phone was just the method of her finding out. 

From what I can see you are simply far too nice and she perceives that as you being weak and a sexual turn off. You therefore simply cannot "nice" your way out of this situation. The nicer you are the less interested in you she is. When she discovered the cell phone photos she was upset but her interest level in you increased.

As non-rational as it sounds, she's attracted to this dangerous *******. If you are willing to learn how to play some of those games that women love, you have a reasonable chance at getting her back. It's really not about becoming a horrible person, or being evil, it's about discovering the things that turn her on and create attraction in her and pushing those buttons on her. Women like it... 55-60% of my blog readership are women despite me aiming it at a male audience. They aren't reading it because they are offended, they read because they are a little turned on by it.

Seriously, try reading it again. Start from the beginning and go slow.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Atholk I PM'd you.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

There is a lot of truth in what Atholk says and while I havent read his stuff on his web site I will say all the guys that Ive seen on this site that tried the nice guy approach have gotten screwed and or used. 

It has been said many times even by the women on this site that the best revenge is to live well. If you live well it may get her out of the fog. She is with another guy so how are you wrong by getting on with your life?

Women seem to love it if you are down in the dumps and pining over them and it is true if you do that they feel they can have you back any time they want you back.

The other thing to consider is would you really want her back after this? She cheated on you and moved in with a bum if she came back how would you know if she wouldnt do this again? Right now you feel like the important thing is to get her back home but if she came back are you sure what happened wouldnt bother you and cause resentment?

Right now she is having her cake and eating it too, the bum she lives with is creating excitement and drama but I think she feels she could come home anytime she wants and it also has you chasing her sooo now she has 2 guys intrested in her when before she may have doubted that she even had one that was intrested.

Just some thoughts to mull over.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Brewster 59 said:


> There is a lot of truth in what Atholk says and while I havent read his stuff on his web site I will say all the guys that Ive seen on this site that tried the nice guy approach have gotten screwed and or used.
> 
> It has been said many times even by the women on this site that the best revenge is to live well. If you live well it may get her out of the fog. She is with another guy so how are you wrong by getting on with your life?
> 
> ...


I'm mulling


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Listen, I think it is absolutely fantastic, even Brilliant - having this other woman to talk too, confide in, having her picture on your phone that your wife stumbled upon!! And thank God for the mistake of the wrong text !! Use these things, don't feel bad. This does NOT make you a bad person in any way. 

I will tell you a little story- all true.

I am married to the Ultra Nice Guy type , and when we were going together, I got a little bored with him, I gave his ring back, and "Played the field" for a couples months. He did absolutely NOTHING to make me jealous, just remained there, loving, doting, any wish was my command, I knew I had his devotion no matter what I did. 

I told him years later, he was a complete Fool for dealing with the situation like that, cause IF he would have just once said "Hey, I am not waiting around here for you , I love you but I have a life too" and some other woman was fishing around, OH MY , I would have been crawling back to him. I KNOW me and I would have, there would have been a GREAT & dangerous urgency there. 

So seriously, don't do anything with this other woman to get her hopes up -if she is falling for you, but by all MEANS use her , maybe a few others , if given the opportunity to -loud & clearly make the case be known --*YOU have women waitiing in the wings for YOU. * 

This will get their attention every time. If it doesn't (but it seems it is !!) then you really must move on.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

I'm a musician. I have women waiting in the wings every night. I just never act upon it. What is it about musicians anyway? I'l never understand the appeal


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

KRinOnt said:


> I'm a musician. I have women waiting in the wings every night. I just never act upon it. What is it about musicians anyway? I'l never understand the appeal


Usually high IQ, hand eye coordination, lingustic ability, fitness. It's usually all good genetic markers.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

KRinOnt said:


> I'm a musician. I have women waiting in the wings every night. I just never act upon it. What is it about musicians anyway? I'l never understand the appeal


When you LOVE music, you often fall for the Muscian. If you have fans, you have admirers. For me personally, there is just something about a man & his guitar. 

If you took a good looking guy & put him in a variety of settings - let's say next to a shiny new sports car, put a cowboy hat on his head & put him on a horse, put him in a baseball/foorball uniform, put him on a motorcyle with leather boots, put him in a tuxedo for a night on the town, even take his shirt off showing some nice abs on the beach, or simply put a guitar around his shoulders, even if he is in an old ripped pair of levis & a t-shirt. I would be most attracted & interested in the guy who makes the music, just some allure there. Drumsticks may be next in line. But I am someone who really gets off on music. Love Rock, Metal, even some Grunge. Add a little long hair with that guitar & there in lies this old lady's fantasy.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

My daughter played volleyball after school today. She's a very athletic girl and has the provincial and national medals to prove it. We're very proud of her. I texted a game photo to the wife at work during play. We had a bit of an exchange about schedules and how well our girl was playing etc. When the match ended I sent her the result (4 sets -0) to which she replied " That's our girl".
I know that's a pretty common phrase but it's the first time since we separated that she has referred to anything in the context of the kids as "our". Maybe means nothing. Maybe means everything. I tend to overthink. All I know is it made my misty. I'm just not sure if it's because I'm happy or sad :scratchhead:


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Damn. After signs all week that she might be on the verge of wanting to try and work things out she does an end run and asks the kids if they want to come to her place Sunday for dinner. I think she's just jealous because I had all the kids ( our 2 and my two adult stepsons from her first marriage that I raised as my own) over on Wednesday for a birthday dinner and she wasn't around for it. I gave her crap and told her in the future she owed me the courtesy of talking to me first before asking the kids to her place. Best part? They all turned her down. How bad is it when your own kids won't come to visit you?
According to my daughter she said "I know you kids probably aren't ready to accept this situation" , but asked anyway. Apparently she says that every time they talk. 
Sounds to me like she desperately wants to be with her children, but can't make it work on her terms. Could she finally come out of this fog long enough to realize how many people she has hurt?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

KRinOnt,

It make take some time. You aren't in a hare's race but a turtle's race. Patience, Kindness, Caring and Strength. These are done but with strong boundaries which are enforced.

Working on you and living life too. You are doing well. Keep setting up boundaries as needed -- but enforce them. Like you did with the house.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> KRinOnt,
> 
> It make take some time. You aren't in a hare's race but a turtle's race. Patience, Kindness, Caring and Strength. These are done but with strong boundaries which are enforced.
> 
> Working on you and living life too. You are doing well. Keep setting up boundaries as needed -- but enforce them. Like you did with the house.


I so hope you are right. When I'm down it seems like this has been going on forever, but I do realize this is so fresh. She's only been out of my house for a month. She seems to be trying very, very hard right now to establish a social life for herself. It appears everyone has abandoned her. She's reaching out now trying to grab hold of her kids, but it's not working. Her two grown sons will not accept what she has done. The younger of the two ( 21) won't even answer her texts and still wants to physically harm her new bf. No one, and I really mean no one, will support her in the decision she has made.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Update:

I'm trying to live my life with a positive outlook. I've been weighing the positives and the negatives of my situation of late and there seems to be more to be optimistic about than the alternative.

Negatives

- she's still living elsewhere
- the kids still struggle to deal with it daily
- I'm still lonely

Positives

- I got the bills all caught up and now realize I can actually support this family on my own if necessary
- I have the support of a wonderful woman who has become a dear friend
- I am closer to the kids than ever and believe me we were tight before
- the kids get along better with each other
- I am starting to renovate the house in an attempt to stay busy

I am endeavouring to put on a positive display whenever the wife is around. I want her to see that we are still a family, having fun and getting along just fine without her. I have rediscovered my assertiveness and found that my authoritarian attitude carries even more weight when presented in a calm, but firm way....no yelling or arguing. 
She knows I am now seeing someone else. She has never seen me angry or even heard me raise my voice since this whole ordeal began. I laid down some ground rules when it comes to coming to the house or seeing the kids. She has never once argued with me about this, but instead has been respectful and polite. She seems unusually concerned about not pissing me off. She has apologized to me more times in the past 2 weeks than she has in the past 10 years. She now engages me in long text conversations that start out about the kids and end up about me. She flirts a lot and the most recent instance was blatantly sexual. She texts me from work and anywhere except her house and makes sure I know where she is when she's doing it. Last night she pointed out she was at the laundromat just two blocks from our house. It might have been a hint to drop by, but I didn't bite. I'm not entirely sure why, but it's obvious that when OM is not around she is comfortable talking to me at length. I have been very careful to make sure I end every exchange and not her. 
It appears Althok was correct all along. The less accomodating I am, the more she comes back. I am never rude, just very matter-of-fact. I am being patient. It's getting easier to do that now and I know I have all the time in the world.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

`Another new update:

About 3 weeks ago I posted about complimenting my wife on how much weight she has lost. I saw her today for the 2nd time in a week with no coat on. I can't believe how much she has suddenly gained. I mean seriously. Her butt, her legs, tummy and most telling....her hands and fingers. It's very obvious and very fast. I think she may be back on the anti-depressants. This was one of the reasons she stopped taking them the first time. A couple of weeks ago I sent a letter to her doctor informing her of my wife's veiled suicide comments to our daughter. Is it possible the Dr got through to her? 
This is HUGE.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Another option might be to give her a bill. Her share of the internet, heat, etc. She may be entitled to half the home since she owns it ... but then she should be paying half the upkeep and a portion of the utilities if she is using them.

I don't know how you do it. If my wife did this, I might want her to come back, but I would never be able to forgive her or forget that she was away screwing this other guy. It would have to be over. I certainly wouldn't be allowing her to use my things (computer for internet, etc.) while she was doing this.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

It now appears my wife is no longer involved with the OM. I always figured it wouldn't last and was skeptical all along as to just how serious it was. I knew that when Dec 1 came around and they actually had to start paying rent and utilities, he'd be gone. There is no way my wife suddenly changed his life, He is a slug. Only seeing married women. Peacework, under the table jobs only. Alcoholic. It was only a matter or time. 
My wife continues to try and spend time with our daughter and son, but is rejected at every turn. Her one adult son ( my stepson) won't return her calls or texts. I haven't seen her get even one personal e-mail from any of her friends or family in weeks. 
My daughter is 13 now and seems just ridiculously mature for her age. I got a little short with my son this weekend over some leaf raking he WASN'T doing  I apologized of course. It was the first time I've even raised my voice in two months. I told my girl that it wasn't easy being the "bad" parent; the one who has to discipline, say no and dole out responsibilities. She said that was the "good" parent. The one who was actually here and cared enough to make the tough decisions. Clearly her anger for her Mom runs deep. I don't want that of course, but I have to admit there's a part of me deep inside that feels vindicated. I warned the W she would do irrepairable damage to her relationship with the kids if she left, but in her delusional state she felt everything would be alright in time. "They'll get over it" she said. Well her parents divorced when she was 12. She readily admits it robbed her of her teens years and she grew up way too fast as a result. She didn't "get over it" so why should her daughter? 
Just more evidence that she didn't think this entire scenario through. It was an impulsive act by a depressed individual getting bad advice from someone who didn't really give a ****.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I figured she'd be back. Is she seeking your full forgiveness yet ? 

What conditions are you laying before her now -so this will never happen again?


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I figured she'd be back. Is she seeking your full forgiveness yet ?
> 
> What conditions are you laying before her now -so this will never happen again?


I don't want to get ahead of myself. She hasn't said she wants back yet. I have a plan.

1. no contact
2. therapy for her
3. couples counselling for us
4. blood tests
5. I take over all financial responsibilities ( this is somewhat megotiable, but we need to change the way things were as it was causing both of us too much stress.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Listen, I think it is absolutely fantastic, even Brilliant - having this other woman to talk too, confide in, having her picture on your phone that your wife stumbled upon!! And thank God for the mistake of the wrong text !! Use these things, don't feel bad. This does NOT make you a bad person in any way.
> 
> I will tell you a little story- all true.
> 
> ...


 My life just keeps getting more complicated. This lady friend of mine has been living with someone but the relationship is going nowhere fast. They are nothing more than roommates at this point ( for about 8 months actually). She was going to tell him that if things didn't change ( he has a physical ED issue which he refuses to see a doctor about) pretty soon she was going to leave him. She cares for him, but at 38 she's not about to live the rest of her life in a sexless relationship. He's also very unaffectionate in other ways. 
One week ago tomorrow this fellow suffered an aneurysm. Today he was intubated and placed in a drug-induced coma. He also has pneumonia. He is unlikely to survive. I cannot rush to her side as his family would never understand and I couldn't do that to them. She is truly suffering and I can't do anything. She has been such a good friend throughout my separation and made it clear that should our situations change ( my obvious emotional commitment to fixing my marriage and her living arrangement) we would be together. 
My wife is showing signs of coming around, but there is no guarantee. I don't know what to do. I know I need to move forward with or without my wife, but if I start seeing this other woman I will look like a vulture. 
Ain't life grand.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Right now put you and your kids first K. You have an obvious emotional attachment and therefore affair going with this other woman -- remember you are married and I'm not passing judgement here just stating facts. See how easy it is to fall into the trap. And no, I'm no disloyal spouse saying that. 

Just take everything slow -- there is no sprint here it is a marathon +. Just work on you and be there for the kids -- your daughter sounds amazing. That response about being the "good" parent because you discipline was great.


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Right now put you and your kids first K. You have an obvious emotional attachment and therefore affair going with this other woman -- remember you are married and I'm not passing judgement here just stating facts. See how easy it is to fall into the trap. And no, I'm no disloyal spouse saying that.
> 
> Just take everything slow -- there is no sprint here it is a marathon +. Just work on you and be there for the kids -- your daughter sounds amazing. That response about being the "good" parent because you discipline was great.


My friend called me earlier. It's now clear her BF is not going to make it. She's really hurting. She actually told me she'd love to meet my wife right now so she could tell her how fast everything can be gone and how petty most marital problems seem by comparison. How one minute you think you're unhappy and the next that person is gone forever and you never got to say I love you to them again. I wouldn't put it past her to walk right up to my wife and say it either.


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

KRinOnt said:


> My friend called me earlier. It's now clear her BF is not going to make it. She's really hurting. She actually told me she'd love to meet my wife right now so she could tell her how fast everything can be gone and how petty most marital problems seem by comparison. How one minute you think you're unhappy and the next that person is gone forever and you never got to say I love you to them again. I wouldn't put it past her to walk right up to my wife and say it either.


OMG...KR...this made me cry...

It's so true !!!!!!

I want to tell my husband that.....he should know it....he's a police officer after all....

So true !!!!!


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## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

It's been a while since I updated my situation, so here goes.

My wife dropped by last Sat to pick up our daughter to take her to a concert ( I had bought the tickets for our anniversary before D-Day). I wasn't home, but according to the kids she walked in, saw the Christmas tree and decorations and flipped out. She was yelling and carrying on about how we always put up the tree as a family and some of the decorations were hers and how Dad has everything. She said she wasn't going to even have a Christmas. Pretty ugly. She said she'd be by the next day to "sort through" the decorations and divide them up. She never showed. SHe did however politely ask if she could come by on Monday. There was no scene. She quietly looked through some boxes and asked me what I wanted. She took a few things and left.Since then we've been friendly again.
This behaviour was a departure as lately she had been getting very personal with me about my love life, my therapy and my health. Once again it appears my newfound alpha assertiveness has been successful as all this past week she has been friendly again.
On a negative note, she has been quite ill. Problems with her back again as well as an infection of undisclosed origin. She's missed another whole week of work. Her doctor discovered on Monday she has enlarged ovaries. We're still awaiting test results there. I'm very worried. She has promised me she is not and will not hide any health issues from me.
My new romantic interest has grown even closer to me and the feeling is mutual. I am still determined to make my marriage work, but I have to admit I could very easily fall in love with this woman if I allowed myself to. She is going through hell herself. The man she was about to break up with continues to struggle in hospital and she's accepted he will probably not survive. She is overcome by guilt. I have become her best friend and confidante. 
I wrote a letter to my wife this morning. I'm sure she hasn't seen it yet. I have told her that we need to make a decision on reconciliation. I cannot continue to live in limbo. I told her so. If there is any hope the timing seems right. Christmas, health issues, her concerns about my health (she actually texts me at night to ask how I'm sleeping and encouragin me to take care of myself). I still talk to her every day and she seems so sad. I, and my counsellor, feel her invitation to come to her house last week was an attempt to solicit an invitation to reconciliation. I didn't bite at the time, but the signs were pretty evident. 
Here's hoping.


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