# Question for BS or WS - Why would a BS stay?



## UnforgivableWife

Posted this in the Infidelity Forum but may be best placed here....

Not going to post my story, it's too long and I'm not sure if it would make your answers any different since I want the answer from your own perspective and experiences. 
I have read 100's of posts on various websites about R. Weeks after R, months, years, decades. And one thing remains with all of the BS. Life does become easier and for the most part many can move on, however, it still hurts like hell. There are still triggers decades later and BS never forget the cruel betrayal inflicted on them. They will always see glimpses of the betrayal and their love/marriage will never be pure again. Forgive yes, forget never. 

I do understand this and agree it is totally justifiable to feel this way. 

So here is my question, why not just move on then? Why not just leave and find someone who has not done this unthinkable cruel thing to you? Far easier to start over than to try and start over from the ashes of what your WS burned to hell. 

Because you love the person that betrayed you or because you loved the person you throught you married? 

Don't you want to look at the person you are married to and know that no matter what life threw at you, no matter how bad it got, that your spouse never turned their back on you or the marriage? 

God I love my BH so much and I will never quit trying, but I am really struggling with these questions. I will never try to control the outcome and will leave it his decision, but God am I doubting today. Not for me (I'm selfish for asking him to stay with him), but I really wonder deep down in my heart if he would be so much happier starting over.

FWW-42, BH-37 
4kids - 2 mine 12 &14, 2 ours 2 & 5 
Over year EA/PA 
DDay 9/14/12 
T-12yrs, M-6yrs 
Begging for a second chance.


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## TBT

I'm a BS who chose not to reconcile and a lot of the decision was based out of my past.

In your case your H wants to reconcile,so he must have his reasons.Your children? Maybe......or it could be he just plain loves you and thinks what you can find together again worth the effort and the pain.

There's a thread in the CWI forum called Reconciliation..started by betrayed1.His wife EI is on there with him as well as other couples in various stages of R.The advice and wisdom,the ups and downs and the worries and hopes are shared there with compassion,understanding and respect.If you haven't read it,I might suggest you do as it sounds like it might benefit you.The thread did start with some harsher comments,but if you read through you will see how a positive R is evolving...so hopeful.

Anyway,I do wish you the best in your R and that one day you and your husband will find a much stronger marriage.Take care.


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## Couleur

I see several factors.

1) Kids. I think when children are involved, you owe it to them to try to work things out. It is also helpful to see my H in his role as a dad. If I were to only focus on the hurt that he has caused me, I might forget that he has many wonderful, redeeming qualities. He is guarded against showing them to me, but I see him at his best when he is with the kids -- and that makes me feel positively about him. Finally there is a pragmatic consideration. Dating/ looking for a new relationship is different for a person with children than for one without. If I were to divorce my husband, potential new love interests would have to like children, share a similar parenting philosophy to mine, and be willing to realize that at least for the next 10 years I have big constraints imposed on my because I need to parent my kids. I'm sure that there are people like that out there, but it's not all that big a pool. 
2) History -- I've been married for 23 years. Things got rocky about 3 years ago, and we are still in limbo. But I have 19 years of positive memories. Until H fell into an EA/PA with a coworker, I never had cause to doubt his fidelity and his basic commitment to our relationship. If H had cheated after only a couple years of marriage, I would not view him as a fundamentally good person (who recently made some HUGELY stupid decisions) and want to give him the benefit of the doubt.
3) Ability to envision a new marriage that is superior to the old one. I wouldn't want to return to exactly the same marriage that I had 4 years ago (in the months leading up to H's affair). H and I were caught up in the demands of our jobs, commutes, and kids and we weren't doing a good job meeting each other's needs. But, I'm not the same person that I was 4 years ago, and neither is my H. I can "see" a future that looks really promising, and having a shared vision for a future is one of the things that makes being married really satisfying.
4) Ability to let go of past hurts. People differ in how they respond to trauma. If a BS can't forgive their partner for their betrayal, then I think it would be nearly impossible to move forward. Obviously, some betrayals are more egregious than others. And people differ in how they respond to an affair; for some it's a deal breaker, for others their partners can earn their way back into the relationship.


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## daisygirl 41

I am reconciling with my WH because I love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
We have 3 children and 19 years behind us, of course that comes into the equation but we aren't doing it for the kids because that isn't enough. We are doing it for us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gdtm0111

I'm doing it mostly for my son. My parents divorced when I was 4, and he just turned 4 a couple of months ago. I can't see putting my son thru the same thing I went thru.

I was (for now) able to forgive my wife for the EA/PA she had. Our next step is MC.

I will also say there will be NO second chances. If I ever feel in the future she's having another EA..... yeah, I'm gone! I'm no doormat.


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## staystrong

Divorce is a mess. A soul-sucking, time-wasting, money-draining mess. 

If you have a chance to R, that's fantastic. That's the dream of many on this board. Keep your family intact.. rekindle love again.. become your better selves.


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## lucy mulholland

BECOME YOUR BETTER SELVES. That's what relationships are all about. Sadly when one person thinks they are better without you, perhaps because they don't want to face any darkness or issues or congflict, there isn't a lot you can do, but hold that space (I wouldn't even call it hope) for a R. Focus on their good qualities but mostly on yours. 

You deserve love. 

Write a list of the pros and cons of your relationship from start to "finish," highlighting any conflicts you remember strongly. Take some honest time to reflect on this. 

t's true, some people can move on from betrayal more easily. I don't know yet if I'm one of them. Of course I'd like to think so. Staying in touch with your deepest self however you can - meditation, exercise, art, time with good friends - will help you know when it's time to move on.

And all the betrayers - the movers-out - the leavers...don't know how good they have it, when their spouse is genuinely willing to have them come home and work on their relationship. REbuilding is hard.

And it's hard sometimes, reading all these stories, to not see the betrayal, deceit, or simple "I fell out of love" treatment as SO COMMON that it would make us never want to try and open our hearts again.

But that's the cool thing about being human. Somehow, we do.


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## artlady

I'm going to answer the basic question: why did I stay? I was the BS, and my WH had a four-week affair with his first serious girlfriend (although he lived there twice as long).

First off, we got back together and were together for two weeks before I found out about the A. I KNEW what we had; we were better people after our separation, we were deeply in love again, even though we had to deal with the issues of our separation. By the time I found out about the A, I knew I didn't want to lose him again. And he, me.

Second... there's a line from a movie that goes something like this: "I chose to stay with him for all the right things he did, and not to leave for the one wrong thing." That pretty much sums it up for me. Even though his A was the most devastating thing of my life, it's taken a long time to get through/over, and I'll unfortunately never forget, he's a good man. We've been together 23 years, since I was 18. Eventually, I had to weigh it all, and that ten-week period does not outweigh everything else that was good, and our relationship now.

I don't love the man who betrayed me, because that wasn't him. Seriously: I know it sounds ridiculous, but he was in a MLC and not himself. And I don't want to start over with someone else.


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## Chopsy

I want to reconcile with my WH because I love him. He has been suffering a breakdown, he couldn't tell me how bad things had got financially and just couldnt face it. He is a broken man. I want healing for both of us. Married 12 years, very happy. Last six months have been difficult. When he finally called to admit th truth, he just didn't even sound like like himself. He's not in his right mind. He is very remorseful and can't even face me right now. I hope will be able to to eventually.


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