# Is This A Fitness Test. How Would You Have Reacted?



## Bigrascal (Aug 12, 2011)

Heres an interaction from tonight. I felt disrespected and "parentified". I think this is a fitness test. Am I right? How did I deal with it (keep in mind this isn't word for word, but you get the gist)? How would you guys have dealt with this:

W: We need to get salad stuff for the week from the store. 

Me: We have those greens we bought last week. We haven't used them yet. 

W: Wait we were eating salad all week. What were we eating?

Me: That prepackaged asian salad I bought. 

W: So we still had the salad you bought that I didn't know anything about. I don't like that salad. (said with a tone/frustrated)

Me: stare. 

W: And you let us buy the greens when we already had salad? That's irresponsible. (with slight frustration in voice and tone). 

Me: stare. 

W: We are throwing away food. You let us buy food we didn't need. Do you agree that's irresponsible? (parental tone/frustration/disrespectful tone). 

Me: it's irresponsible. We need to get salad stuff from the store. Do you want croutons? I'll check those greens to see if they are still good. (I get them and hand them to her.). They look fine can you eat those?

W: they are brown. (she opens box). Oh I guess they are ok (they are not brown). 

I'm hit with these things many times a day. It's annoying. I could just say "don't talk to me like this" but that's too much and would be an overreaction. The thought ran through my head though. Am I overreacting here by thinking I'm being disrespected and talked down to? If I escalated, my wife would have said I'm being defensive and overreacting and that I can't admit I'm wrong. I don't care about being wrong, but I care about being talked to like a child - which I think this is.

I should have agreed and amplified. "you are right. You are an angel for putting up with my total irresponsibility. Don't know how you do it. Do you want croutons?" 

Instead I agreed and went on with dealing with the issue at hand. I didn't escalate this issue or make it into an argument, though. Baby steps, but getting better at dealing with these.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It ain't about friggin' salad ...

'Salad' needn't be a point of discussion in any way, shape, or form.

W: We need to get salad stuff for the week from the store.

You: Go for it. 

End of discussion.

There are simply things that are unworthy of your time for discussion. I hope that makes sense. I realize that you are looking for points of interaction, but in essence you let her bait you into a discussion about f*cking salad and further ... accuse you of being irresponsible as a result of your wanton salad purchasing negligence. That is just crazy talk.

You need to understand that many of those meaningless statements she makes where you then invest an interaction are SOLELY intended to open you up for a cheap shot.

Basically it's the equivalent of her saying "Stick your chin out, so I can pop you."

You comply and are then shocked when she lets you have it.

Seriously. Some of your issues will evaporate if you simply choose your communicative investments a bit more, which may mean ... interact less.

Or, alternatively, LEAD more. Rather than allowing her to lead or steer the interaction.
Her: We need to get salad stuff for the week from the store.

You: I'll pick up what we need.

If she looks to question your competence about doing that task, than you still lead.
With a smile suggest that if she's that invested , she should pick up the groceries.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Bigrascal, do you have any dreams that the two of you are working towards making a reality? Have you sat down and visualised where the two of you are going to be in 5, 10, 30 years time? And if you have are you saving money together to make your dreams a reality? It just seems like you two talk of and argue about really trivial, exceeding trivial “stuff”. Don’t the two of you have things you are involved with such that this trivia just does not get on the table?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Yeah, agree. with the above totally.
When your wife says "we need to..." and it really means "you need to", she is bossing you around. Don't let yourself get bossed around. The above answer by Deejo is perfect, but there are others "We need to get salad from the store"
-- say "Interesting.." and show no other reaction and walk away
-- Say "Sure" and take no further action whatsoever
-- "Wife, Aren't you really saying You need to get salad from the store? What you need to do from now on is say Will you get salad from the store?" Then wait for her to say this before engaging in any more conversation about it.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Deejo said:


> It ain't about friggin' salad ...
> 
> 'Salad' needn't be a point of discussion in any way, shape, or form.
> 
> ...


I agree. 

I might also consider saying something like, "If you get some sort of satisfaction out of treating me like a five year old, then lets talk about the real issue." Or, "I think its pretty immature to use something as silly as salad as a tool to humiliate a man who is supposed to be your partner." Challenging the real issue in an extreme manner once or twice will take these types of tests off the table in the future, I believe.


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## Bigrascal (Aug 12, 2011)

Thanks guys. We do have dreams. We talk about moving to N. CA or abroad. We talk about having a family or moving into the city into a cool loft.

We are in a bad place now and we are talking less (in the last few weeks) about these things. I know that she needs this for us to move forward.

You are exactly right, we (she is) are stuck on the trivial and can't get past it. I have to get past this to make this work for myself.

There are at least two things going on:

1. She has a very strong need for things to be done "right" or "correctly." It permeates everything she does or we do. 

2. When things are not done "correctly" (by me) she gets frustrated and is snappy, disrespectful and parentifying or has a condescending laugh. 

She puts this on me as me not being able to take criticism, being defensive having to always be right. There is some truth to that. But she has an issue (one she doesn't acknowledge is a real problem). Her behavior "causes" me to withdraw emotionally from her and communicate less.

Right now, I think I'm trying too hard and it's devaluing me and frustrating her. She told me last week she needs help with planning meals and groceries. So I was trying to help. It's too much on my part. 

Your suggestions are solid. I can't go down these rabbit holes with her. It only opens me up to cheap shots. It's too much talking. If I can start avoiding these situations by leading more "ok, I'll pick up the groceries." it will make her feel better and hopefully we can start moving forward without so much mutual frustration. If she doesn't like the results, she can do it.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

I had this exact situation come up a couple of weeks ago. She got snippy with me about something I got from the grocery store. I smiled real big and laughed. I said "Would you like to start putting all 4 kids in the car and going to the store together? Or, you can go?". She stopped. The next day, it turns out that my decision was the right one and saved us a trip. She called me at work, "you were right. Good call on the groceries."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I look my W in the eye and ask "Okay, what's YOUR suggestion?"

She never seems to have one.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

"W: We need to get salad stuff for the week from the store."

Me: Your right babe, *WE* should always do our best to make our spouse happy... *WE* should make a list...* WE *should go shopping... *WE* should cook the meal... *WE* should clean up... *WE* should put the kids to bed... Then *WE* will have lots of energy left over for some hot sex tonight... What do *WE* think about that?

Warmly,
RDJ


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Bigrascal said:


> Thanks guys. We do have dreams. We talk about moving to N. CA or abroad. We talk about having a family or moving into the city into a cool loft.


If you two are having ugly discussions like this over salad PLEASE do not bring kids into the picture. This is petty and a non-issue. Children bahave like this not adults but alas I too have been part of these stupid petty arguments over simple things as lunch. 

If you are having trouble picking your battles just wait until kids are in the picture. The battle will pick you and arguments will get nasty. 

I recommend you start by non engaging even if the verbal diareah coming out of her mouth is like nails on a chalkboard. I'm not claiming this is easy but it will help reduce conflict and keep your sanity


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Sanity said:


> I recommend you start by non engaging even if the verbal diareah coming out of her mouth is like nails on a chalkboard. I'm not claiming this is easy but it will help reduce conflict and keep your sanity


Sanity,

With all due respect, I understand this concept and also use it, in certain situations. In a situation as the one described, a statement should be made. "I will not be treated this way".

Confrontation (conflict) is necessary to obtain change. Many people are afraid of, or simply do not know the proper way to confront a spouse.

If a person confronts in a possitive, our marriage always comes before our personal needs, manner. Then it can be a valuble tool in changing the dynamics of an unhappy marriage.

That being said, to NOT ingage will not solve issues. The key is to ingage, but never allow it to turn into an arguement.

Also not easy, but when learned to do correctly, a marriage changing concept. Would you not agree?

Warmly,

RDJ


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

BR, I haven't been following your other threads, but from what I see here you have one unhappy wife... There are two ways to deal with this and one is with humor. Joke about the situation to deflect her attitude or tell her if she wants salad greens she needs to get them. You DO need to tell her not to talk to you like that! That's what she needs is for you to bump back on her. You are in control...

Long term, you need to read No More Mister Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover and Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. Right now! You situation will be so much clearer to you if you do... 

Get your situation under control now. Figure out what you want with her, if anything or it's all going to end badly.


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## Bigrascal (Aug 12, 2011)

Thanks MNG. Reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. I do see some of my self in there. Also reading Athol's book and blog. It's good stuff - especially about breaking the cycle of being nicer in hopes that she will be nicer. 

I agree you have to push back on this stuff. I don't like conflict so I tend to let things slide in the moment, but you just can't do that you have to push back when it happens.

In prior relationships I would tell my partner "hey I don't like it when you do X" and it was enough to stop the behavior - with this one no. You have to do it in the moment.


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

Bigrascal said:


> I agree you have to push back on this stuff. I don't like conflict so I tend to let things slide in the moment, but you just can't do that you have to push back when it happens.
> 
> In prior relationships I would tell my partner "hey I don't like it when you do X" and it was enough to stop the behavior - with this one no. You have to do it in the moment.


You need to lean in to your fears about conflict. Conflict is good for a relationship. Start pushing back on her... it takes practice and you'll never do it perfectly but as Dr. Glover says you need to get to rejection quickly to find out if this is right for you and the only way to do that is to light a fire under her and push back.


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## Bigrascal (Aug 12, 2011)

What do you mean get to rejection quickly?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Not "in the moment".

BUT - you must be certain you're not rewarding the behavior you despise.

Think of it this way. An evening of failed fitness testing and berating... her talking down to you criticizing everything....

And, at the end of the evening, "You want to have sex honey?"

Guess what Rascal?

You're now Kevin Bacon on Animal House... "Thank you sir, may I have another"

Do you really wish to say "thank you" for that treatment?





Bigrascal said:


> Thanks MNG. Reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. I do see some of my self in there. Also reading Athol's book and blog. It's good stuff - especially about breaking the cycle of being nicer in hopes that she will be nicer.
> 
> I agree you have to push back on this stuff. I don't like conflict so I tend to let things slide in the moment, but you just can't do that you have to push back when it happens.
> 
> In prior relationships I would tell my partner "hey I don't like it when you do X" and it was enough to stop the behavior - with this one no. You have to do it in the moment.


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## Bigrascal (Aug 12, 2011)

I wish I would have known this stuff a year ago. Things might be different. 

Never again. Not with this one or, if necessary, the next one. Ever.


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