# Please Help... my wife won't have sex with me!



## notmyday (Apr 1, 2011)

Hi everyone,

I'm new to these forums, and I joined to try and find some advice...

I've been married for three years, and my wife and I were together for around 4 years before that. We have a beautiful and happy 1 year old daughter whom we both love dearly, and would do anything for.

The problem is, our sex life has dwindled to insignificance, and this was starting to happen well before the baby was even born.

I love my wife very much, and I think she is very sexy, but I don't think she shares the sexual need as much as I do.

- I am always the one who initiates sex, and more often than not she comes up with some excuse or other (i'm too tired, I have a headache, there are things that need doing etc)
- We haven't had sex for over a month, this is the norm.
- She hasn't gone down on me in years.
- If I try to have a discussion about it, she turns the conversation away to other issues, or gets defensive, and the issue turns into an argument
- I have recently began to get upset and frustrated and even depressed when she turns me down, and my attempts to initiate sex have become less frequent
- Tonight I even stopped talking to her after she turned me down. I'm too upset to talk to her and I don't even know how to bring the subject up any more.

I think I'm a good husband overall, and I take my share of the housework and childcare responsibilities without bragging or boasting about anything I do.

I'm attentive and caring about her emotional needs. I feel I'm a romantic person, and regularly reassure her about how much I love her and how much my family means to me, but I'm starting to feel like I'm being taken for granted, and It's very hurtful. 

Can anyone please tell me if I'm doing anything wrong, and if I'm being too demanding? I really don't know what to think any more!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

You're are not being too demanding. Too much rejection often leads to resentment, which it seems like you are experiencing. Sometimes pulling back can help; you can become less available emotionally.
I'm told that having a baby can cause issues for a couple's sex life. She could possibly feel very unattractive after gaining baby weight. Your wife may also have a hard time being a mother and a sexual being at the same time; she needs to grow accustomed to her new role.
Are you able to get away for a weekend without the baby?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notmyday (Apr 1, 2011)

Thanks for your reply Mrs G

There's been a few weekends where we've left the baby with parents, but even then she seems hesitant, and will only have sex if I insist. I feel like she's doing me a favour.

Like I said, this was starting to happen even before the baby came. I've tried withdrawing emotionally, and this does help in terms of her being more open to talk, and she insists that she's still attracted to me, but the sex still doesn't materialize.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

It is good you have come to these forums. There is the solution to exactly your problem.



notmyday said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I'm new to these forums, and I joined to try and find some advice...
> 
> ...


Your woman will be as sexual to you as you make her feel. 

Think about what ways do you make her feel that she is a very sexual woman, married to a sexual man that is worthy of her.

And think about what ways perhaps you do you NOT make her feel this way.



> - I am always the one who initiates sex, and more often than not she comes up with some excuse or other (i'm too tired, I have a headache, there are things that need doing etc)


Learn what a "fitness test" is, and stop failing and instead learn how to pass them. 



> - We haven't had sex for over a month, this is the norm.


A month without sex, not good.



> - She hasn't gone down on me in years.


What kind of man were you when she did "go down" on you? And what kind of man perhaps are you now?



> - If I try to have a discussion about it, she turns the conversation away to other issues, or gets defensive, and the issue turns into an argument


Talking, begging, pleading, negotiating for sex, this will never work.

Unless your woman is driven to rip off your clothes, or is aching for your touch or to be ravished by you, then you are not doing all that you need to be doing in this area.

Sex is primal, ancient, emotional.

Talking, speaking, using words, negotiating, this is not primal, merely intellectual.

Therefore understand talking is not going to work for sexual attraction.



> - I have recently began to get upset and frustrated and even depressed when she turns me down, and my attempts to initiate sex have become less frequent


This is the spiral of resentment.

Your woman, her respect and sexual attraction to you diminishes, and your resentment increases, leading to increased behavior on your part to continue to lose her respect and lose her sexual attraction (behaving as a defeated man).



> Tonight I even stopped talking to her after she turned me down. I'm too upset to talk to her and I don't even know how to bring the subject up any more.


Your solution, not to "bring up subject", but instead, start doing things to increase respect and sexual attractoin, and stop doing things to kill respect and sexual attraction.



> I think I'm a good husband overall, and I take my share of the housework and childcare responsibilities without bragging or boasting about anything I do.


Well and good, but nothing to do with sexual attractoin.

The man that lights a woman's fire, is not the man that kisses her butt or does much housework. This is simply barking up the wrong tree completely.

Instead, the man that is a challenge, has mystery, who knows what he wants and has the courage and strength to pursue it, is the man who is not deprived of sexual affection. 

The man who creates in his woman a FEELING that she must be a very much beautiful and sexual feminine woman to attract the attention of such a man, this is the man who does not go over a month without sex!



> I'm attentive and caring about her emotional needs. I feel I'm a romantic person, and regularly reassure her about how much I love her and how much my family means to me, but I'm starting to feel like I'm being taken for granted, and It's very hurtful.


Less words, and more action on your part.




> Can anyone please tell me if I'm doing anything wrong,


You are doing much wrong.

Being needy, begging and negotiating for sex, making your woman feel that you are LUCKY to be with her, instead inside her only makes her feel like she is in a relationship with a sexual charity case, which makes her feel like a charity case as well. This is the root of her own resentment and emotional and sexual distance from you.

A woman, she is wanting to FEEL as if her man is the greatest and sexiest man in the world. Therefore to be in a relatoinship with such a man, makes herself FEEL as if she is the greatest and sexiest woman in the world.



> and if I'm being too demanding? I really don't know what to think any more!


Not demanding at all.

The lack of sexual connection and affection, is a symptom of a larger problem.

Most importantly, the fact that you even worry about being "too demanding" is itself a great red flag!!!

Your solution, become the kind of man that is worthy of "being demanding". 

Start here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

I wish you well.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

I know you said the dwindling sex life started before the baby, but keep in mind that if she's on birth control right now, it's possible the bc could hinder your efforts to re-ignite her sexually. Sometimes birth control has no effect, sometimes it causes a strong decrease in sex drive...you'll have to evaluate if that may be contributing to the problem.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

I had sex 2 times in the last 2 weeks.. totally not normal for us..

So tonight im sitting on our bed chatting with my Son.. Wife comes in and asks if I can check for spots in her throat she thinks she might be coming down with strep.. I said to her, good you deserve it.. She got pissed and left the room.. I let her fume for a few minutes, and then I walk by her and she calls me mean.. I tore into her pretty good.. Yeah we will be having lots of sex this weekend and tonight lol..

I hate being mean lol.. but if that gets me laid then so be it..


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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

Being mean is a childish response and won't help your case. Read the nice guy / man up links


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Tool said:


> So tonight im sitting on our bed chatting with my Son.. Wife comes in and asks if I can check for spots in her throat she thinks she might be coming down with strep.. I said to her, good you deserve it.. She got pissed and left the room.. I let her fume for a few minutes, and then I walk by her and she calls me mean.. I tore into her pretty good.. Yeah we will be having lots of sex this weekend and tonight lol..
> 
> I hate being mean lol.. but if that gets me laid then so be it..


Why on earth does she deserve to get strep throat? And you said this in front of your son? Way to teach your child how to treat his future wife...

Maybe, by some twisted way, you'll get laid this weekend, but you're putting your marriage in a bad place if that's how you think you can treat her.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

She doesnt deserve it, but I needed to be a jerk..

Im not the one rejecting me..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NotmyDay,

Take a look at the link below. Does it resonate with you?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html




notmyday said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I'm new to these forums, and I joined to try and find some advice...
> 
> ...


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## notmyday (Apr 1, 2011)

Bigbadwolf.... thanks for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it. However I find little advice or useful help in your comments, you seem to be mostly just judging me and commenting on everything I'm doing wrong. I'm happy with 'the man I am'. I'm a successful writer and musician, I work out and am well placed socially. 

Tool.... Thx but I have no intention of being mean to my wife. I love her and I don't intend to play mind games. 

Mem11613.... it resonates a little, but tbh its a 2 way street in most points. We both call each other, we both say I love u and we both initiate cuddling and kissing. It's only the sex that's missing.

And mgirl, she's not on birth control
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4life (Apr 2, 2011)

I agree with the advice BigBadWolf gave, let us know what kind of feed back you get.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

Oh you think im a piece of work..

My Wife is very power hungry and I let her walk all over me for years.. What I said to her this weekend doesn't even come close to some of the verbal abuse I have gotten from her over the years..

As part of me having to Man up, from time to time I need to disrupt the stability in our relationship to take the power back.. If she starts in with using sex as a weapon again, I take the power back and she wont keep her hands off me..

Oh this morning she was mean, she did something wrong and instantly blamed me for it.. I manned up and told her to be more careful next time, and she gave me an earful of bad words with the kids sitting right there.. Her power play failed and she soon apologized.. A year ago, she would have used this as a reason to not have sex.. And I would be guilty for something I didnt do..


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Tool said:


> Oh you think im a piece of work..
> 
> My Wife is very power hungry and I let her walk all over me for years.. What I said to her this weekend doesn't even come close to some of the verbal abuse I have gotten from her over the years..


I've read your other threads so I know exactly the type of woman you are married to. These people have no idea what you are dealing with. I know because I used to be that power hungry witch. It's a miracle I'm still married. I got help (therapy) so my dh never had to "man up" but he really should have it might have saved our marriage sooner.

I just hate that their are kids involved. When I was like this we didn't have any yet. Thank goodness.

Sorry you are having to deal with this but I understand completely why you are having to do what you are doing.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

Thanks magnoliagal.

Yeah it can be brutal sometimes..

But so far its the only thing I found that works with her.. I know with all the abuse I get from her, she does love me.. It just so weird that when I stand up to her she is happy.. its like she feeds off of it..


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Tool said:


> Yeah it can be brutal sometimes..
> 
> But so far its the only thing I found that works with her.. I know with all the abuse I get from her, she does love me.. It just so weird that when I stand up to her she is happy.. its like she feeds off of it..


She does feed off it. I would have too. It would have been a high for me and counseling has taught me that I don't need that rush to love my husband (I've done a 180 and am really nice now). Back then my dh took the high road and REFUSED to fight with me, sleep with me, talk to me, man up or anything else actually. His silence/withdrawal was eventually what drove me to MC. I couldn't take it anymore. It was excruciating especially since I'm the one with the higher sex drive. I guess if you looked at it that way he did man up by refusing to give me the one thing I truly wanted. Hmmmmm very sneaky maybe. But hey I don't care it worked and we are better now. I wouldn't go back to those power hungry days for anything. Good riddance.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

What is MC is that miss carriage..


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## Jadegreen (Apr 4, 2011)

3 years is not long to be married, and you have had a child now. you say she is hesitant... for me, there was a big transition from being a childless gal to being a mom. some kinds of old ideas about what moms are and do kicked in. as a single gal I took a lot more risks in sex (I was a lot more playful and less serious, and of course there was loads more time) and I was a lot lighter about my sex life. being a mom and having a baby in the next room made me shy. I also felt shy about my body, which changed after the pregnancy (little belly, bigger breasts, wider hips, a bit of a scar where I tore in the birthing). Maybe ask her - say 'you seem more hesitant than before we had the baby - do you feel differnt about sex?' - and just listen. don't react. don't do it when there is possiblity of follow up -have this discussion in the car (but not on your way to a family dinner). maybe her body hurts. or maybe she is up at night and feels tired. or maybe she got mad at your over something about having a baby and feels differently about you. or maybe she is worried about getting pregnant. if she is evasive, ask her what it would take for her to talk about it. and be caring but firm and honest - you love her, you want to have a great life with her, and you seem to be getting the message that she wants sex less -is it true for her? - tell her that would make you sad. You can't "fake" satisfaction on this one - but you might have to compromise. In fact, giving her a night off and taking over the parenting duties might be the most loving thing you could do. I bet she would run into your arms at the end of the night.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Tool said:


> What is MC is that miss carriage..


Marriage counseling.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

So how did Marriage counseling go?

I have talked about it with my Wife, and she thinks if we go im in for some trouble..

but I have a feeling that is not the case..


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Tool said:


> So how did Marriage counseling go?
> 
> I have talked about it with my Wife, and she thinks if we go im in for some trouble..
> 
> but I have a feeling that is not the case..


I agree with you that's not the case and it wasn't for me either. I went in arms folded, angry and ready for the therapist to fix HIM. What happened couldn't have been farther from that. It took the therapist a few months to get through to me but she did. In a flash I "got it" meaning I finally saw that I was a witch and my horrible marriage was of my creation. That was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. At that point I started going to therapy on my own. I went in that first time head down saying "ok I get it now how do I fix it?"

That was 12 years ago and to this day I say it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I healed and got nicer.

I'm here on this board because I'm ready to knock down those last bricks in the wall I built around me. Over the years I've been chipping away at it brick by brick getting nicer and nicer each time. Kinda cool actually. I didn't know what it was like to be happy and now I do.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Tool said:


> She doesnt deserve it, but I needed to be a jerk..
> 
> Im not the one rejecting me..


Wow. This mentality is scary. You feel that you are entitled to be hurtful, just because you "need to be a jerk." 
Your wife must not love herself.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Tool, she's afraid that if she goes, SHE's in for some trouble. Keep pushing the issue, and she will try to find a way to weasel out of it every time.


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## Scorpion (Apr 5, 2011)

I know it is difficult to do without the significant other. I always have to initiate the love making in our relationship. We have four kids and it hard to initiate it when you have no time. There has been times I have waited 10 months for her to initiate the love making. She claims that, "sex, is not the most important thing in the marriage."  Maybe she is right? We have to create that bound of closeness and to meet her needs before our needs will be met. Maybe, if you meet her needs, then maybe she will meet your needs. I have been talking to Mont Fertel on marriage counseling, I want his tracks but I am disabled and I am on a steady income. I need it because I am doing everything you are. I tell her "I love her all the time, I touch her to let her know that she is always wanted. I kiss her every time either of us leave the house. I try to treat everyday as if it is my last day here on the Earth. Mont Fertel should help.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

My Wife said the same thing to me, that sex is not the most important thing..

She had her priorities all out of wack.. I had to drive this point home pretty hard..


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## foozlemonster (Mar 9, 2011)

This sounds like my story exactly. I have tried every angle in the book on my wife and nothing works. I have thought about the whole marriage counseling thing. Sounds like that will work. I don't want my wife to feel like the one that is getting beat on. I try so hard not to bring it up and be sweet and romantic in the times that we do have, but it does nothing for her. When we talk about it she says that she gets so caught up in being a mommy that she forgets about being a wife. She says that she is very uncomfortable with the way that she looks. I think she is beautiful. My sexual desire is love driven, not "18 year old body" driven. I feel your pain man and I hope you figure something out.


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## committed4life (Apr 2, 2011)

sorry to hear your dilemma try and talk to your wife about this in a cool and relaxed manner if she loves you she will listen


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

Maybe since your baby is still only a year old she hasn't gotten used to the post baby body situation. It can take some getting used to, I would let her know you know you find all of her still very attractive. Try a massage. Or if she is a power driven woman maybe she wants you to take charge.


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

Is your wife defensive about talking about her past? I am not particularly talking about any sexual past, or anything like that. What I am asking is more down to the essence of past hurts from yours (the two of you) or other relationship she has had? Did she have a very strict upbringing, verbally or physically abusive family and / or abbusive dating experiences before being with you. Is there any unforgiven hurts from those or your relationships?

All of those things in a person's past can cause intimacy to be especially difficult. If there are any hurts that make her too vulnerable to let down her guard and be intimate then that may be an underlying cause for a lack of sexual desire.

Of course, this could be one of many reasons for a lack of sexual desire. I do want to make it clear that I am not fishing for juicy details about your wife's personal life to be splashed on this forum. I am just trying to suggest to you one possible cause of sexual frigidity in people. 

I would definitely caution you (if you do not already know the answers to these personal questions about your wife) to tell her about the types of questions that they are and ask her if she feels comfortable telling you about anything she would like to share. Leave the conversation open ended. Do not interrogate her about these things, expecting answers, one-by-one and then expect her to be open about it.

If she opens up to you then it may be a great opportunity for her to get healing. Also, for you, it can be a way to know that the real reason why she is not so interested in sex with you is not based on who you are as a person and as her husband.

If she opens up to you I would caution you not to share her story on the forum, unless she tells you that she wants to tell other people about this kind of emotional baggage issue on a forum like this.

Again, it is not a guarantee that past issues are responsible for her lack of sexual desire. It may be just be one of many other reasons for your sexual problems or she may not have anything of the sort in her past that makes her less interested in sex, in this time of her life.

In my experience, as a married man who has been married for 7 years and has four kids all under the age of 5, young kids can suck the libido right out of you. 

Some of the prior posts addressed the hormonal mommy and body change issues, those could be a strong factor.

I think that you are doing the right things getting advice. Love waits, is proactive, is relational, gets at the root cause of problems, puts your spouse's needs ahead of your own. Tell her how important sex with her is to you, make her feel special and beautiful.

I would even suggest on top of getting at any possible root causes of her lack of sexual desire to tell her that there is no short term set goal needed to have sex with her. Tell her that you want to actively work on this together and remind each other that your goal is her being emotionally healed (if she is in need of it), so that when she is ready, your can have wonderful sexual intimacy together. That might take the pressure off of her and help her to open up more.

Talk to her about your physical needs during this time of healing. My wife and I have a system. If she is not in the mood and if I am horny and need a release, she gives the ok to for me to masturbate. Sometimes she does it for me. And, sometimes when she does it for me she really gets in the mood and the need to masturbate goes out the window.

Two cautions about this method. This method needs to be used especially during the healing time for her to be able to get the counseling / healing / self-esteem issues worked out without the problem of you going crazy in the mean time. It should not become the default thing you guys end up doing because the sexual problem is not being resolved. You two could slip into a real sexual rut if this is the only solution you use. Involve her in the decision to do this method on a case by case basis, Sometimes my wife doesn't feel right about having me masturbate. So to instill hope in the sexual aspect of our marriage, we talk about our sex life, why she is not ready and when would be the best time to try again.

The hope of steady progress in our sexual life together really gets me through the stretch of time, even if it is just a day, before we try again to be intimate together.

I hope this advice and these tips help. They may not apply, but it certainly doesn't hurt to try and get at the root causes and have a plan of action together to get through this time together.


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

I was thinking the other day and thought that perhaps open communication could help. I have learned to tell my wife, "I can't read your mind. I will just listen, tell me how you are doing." Then I get my turn. Both of us have learned not to interrupt the other during this time of communication. There is a lot of emotional stress that comes with having a new baby. 

I know, my wife gave birth to our fourth child 5 weeks ago and doing this kind of communication really helps us stay relationally and emotionally connected. We can't quite have sex yet because she is still healing, but we do outer course and a cuddling. I hope that it helps in the process of getting the sex part of your marriage going again!


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## rppearso (Feb 4, 2011)

Why are you still married? There is nothing you can do but get a divorce or continue to suffer, thats really all there is to it.


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## TimeOut (Jan 29, 2013)

I came here to try to find an answer to the question that the OP posted. My situation is similar in that Wifey no longer wants to have sex of any kind. Not to say it does not happen occasionally, the operative word here is wants, but once every month or two is not what I signed up for. 

I will offer that Wifey is now menopausal (cycles once every two or three months) but it seems to me, if I recall correctly, that her decline in sexual interest predates the onset of her menopause. There are other significant negative changes in the way she treats me and interacts with me. It's not just the sex. I am confident that she is not having an affair. 

My details are as follows; 

When we do have sex, it seems to me that she is approaching the act as if she performing a function. To her, it's all about her. My needs and satisfaction are secondary. It never used to be like this. She admits that it is selfish but beyond admitting this, she takes no measures to correct it. 

About the advice given in this thread; 

I have to agree with the OP that thus far I find it to be of little help. In fact, some of it seems downright counterproductive. One of the techniques suggested in one of the posts is manipulative and reminiscent of what I used to do as a single man in order to keep a woman I did not love or respect coming back for more. There is some truth in that with some women "the worse you treat them, the more they want you", but I do not find that is an attractive methodology for a relationship based in love. I do not think that it fosters a healthy relationship. 

I hope that others may opine with ideas or personal experience that makes a little more sense to me.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

TimeOut said:


> I came here to try to find an answer to the question that the OP posted. My situation is similar in that Wifey no longer wants to have sex of any kind. Not to say it does not happen occasionally, the operative word here is wants, but once every month or two is not what I signed up for.
> 
> I will offer that Wifey is now menopausal (cycles once every two or three months) but it seems to me, if I recall correctly, that her decline in sexual interest predates the onset of her menopause. There are other significant negative changes in the way she treats me and interacts with me. It's not just the sex. I am confident that she is not having an affair.
> 
> ...


Are there underlying reasons why you both are here? Have *you* cjanged since you were married? Are your wives possibly less attracted to you now?Have you gained weight? Is your health in decline? 

Please take a gander at the Married Man Sex Life (MMSL) Primer by Kay. It's an eye opener... and it works.


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## TimeOut (Jan 29, 2013)

41362 said:


> Are there underlying reasons why you both are here?


I'm sure there are. That is what I'm here to determine with the help / input of others.



41362 said:


> Have *you* cjanged since you were married?


People change. It' is an inevitable truth in life. We both are not the same people we were 25 years ago.



41362 said:


> Are your wives possibly less attracted to you now?Have you gained weight? Is your health in decline?


I have point blank asked my wife if she still finds me attractive and she has answered yes. I know other women do. I am flirted with occasionally and sometimes hard. My wife finds it amusing. I weigh the same as I did 30 years ago. I am a fit and trim 5' 10" @ 160 Lbs. I am a little grayer than I used to be but my health and sexual appetite is as it was when we met. If anything, marriage has been good for me as I'm not always catting around. 



41362 said:


> Please take a gander at the Married Man Sex Life (MMSL) Primer by Kay. It's an eye opener... and it works.


I will give it a read, thank you.

BTW, didn't mean to hijack this thread.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I have been putting up with this for 10 years now. Reduced sex and completely uninspired effort on her part. Ladies what would your reaction be if after your husband was turned down and he said " that's ok I will find it some where else"?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

enoughisenough said:


> For me personally, I would shut down more. What would get my attention would be a strong attempt from him to understand what I need and what ignites my passions. But that is reflecting my own situation and may not apply here.


Yea my wife will not talk about our problems


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## safc1973 (Jan 10, 2016)

same here mate dont know what to do


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

zombie thread :


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

notmyday said:


> Thanks for your reply Mrs G
> 
> There's been a few weekends where we've left the baby with parents, but even then she seems hesitant, and will only have sex if I insist. I feel like she's doing me a favour.
> 
> Like I said, this was starting to happen even before the baby came. I've tried withdrawing emotionally, and this does help in terms of her being more open to talk, and she insists that she's still attracted to me, but the sex still doesn't materialize.


You say it started before the baby came. Was she pregnant when it started?


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