# I need help diagnosing my STBXW



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I know none of us(most of us) are not therapists or psychologists, but I was hoping to get some help/insight into my STBXW. And I must apologize. This is a little long:
She's 38 years old and up until she was around 30 she seemed like the perfect wife. After the birth of our 2nd child she started to develop health issues. First, it was the thyroid. It would go hyper and then hypo. She was given different drugs which never really worked until a few years ago. Or so it seemed. She also started battling depression. It would come in cycles. Every few months it would hit. And as the years went by, it seemed to occur more frequent and longer. Supposedly, she had her first bonafide depressive episode in college. But when I met her after she graduated, I never noticed any depression. When her mom passed away abruptly 4 years later, there was some obvious depression. Then several years passed without any noticeable symptoms, or as far as I knew.
She also felt she had fibromalgia. She was eventually on a ****tail of pharmaceuticals. Then she nearly stopped it all cold turkey. She felt it was making her worse and all these drugs were coming from her general doctor. She never went to a psychologist. She started taking Adderal to combat her constant fatigue. It was the only thing to get her out of bed in the morning and help her function at work.
She started having insomnia. Almost every night. Her anxiety increased. She had a short temper with the kids and groups of people in general. She would prefer to lock herself in the room and be on her computer. And she started drinking too.
Then, she met some new friends during a business trip which became a long distance PA and EA. With the fun she was having online and out of town, the dopamine had her on cloud 9. And she couldn't stop her EA/PA. Of course, once I found out I was devastated. She said she couldn't stop seeing this one guy. It was like a drug/addiction(her words). She couldn't stop.
I went from being the caregiver to a depressed mess(which I've recovered from by the way). She came so close to leaving to live with him. We tried MC, but she always stated her heart was no longer in it. She was no longer "in love with me". Of course, the OM was married too. His wife knew about it too and told me her hubby was a lot like my STBXW. Needy, starved for attention, and depressed. 
Eventually, her affair died a dramatic death and she lost her job. Everyone(her friends, her/my family knew what she had done). She left my family and home for her cousin's home in Minnesota last summer. To "get better". She returned home at the end of the summer to tell me she's moving in with her cousin. She left me and the kids behind. She did stay in contact with them on Skype several times a week. But the kids missed their mommy and it hurt me to see them without a mom. Even if she was a mental mess.
Of course, I learned she somehow got back in touch with the original OM, and was dating others while she was up there. So I told her I wanted a divorce. She said ok. Never asked why or anything. It wasn't till she got served that she all of a sudden wanted primary custody of the kids. She tried this with no lawyer all the while living with a divorced father of two children. We had mediation and was able to get a few things her way. But in the end, I had primary custody of my kids, CS, the house, and the majority of the assets. She fought those things and lost. For the first time in her life, she was not in control. This was another thing I learned afterwards. She was very passive aggressive and controlling. 
She drove down a few days ago to pick the kids up for her summer visitation. She was a mess. She never picked up all the belongings she had asked for, and cried saying she just wants her kids. She barely stayed 24 hrs here in Houston before leaving back to Minnesota. She cancelled the meeting we had with the kids' counselor that was slated before she was to leave. Her anxiety was at a high, and she said she couldn't take it any longer. She had to go. 
She's had these meltdowns several times when I or the kids' counselors question her reasoning for staying in Minnesota and away from her kids. Her answer is that it's a better city than Houston. The weather in the summer is great and the people are great. It's just feels right to her. And I feel she's saying these things to "justify" what she has ****ed up. Just like when she said our marriage was terrible and I created so many problems that I couldn't possible fix after I discovered the affair.
But what is really wrong with her? Why? A few other things to note: her mother passed away about 8 years ago and she never had closure to that rocky relationship. Her mother was also depressed and possibly a manic depressive. She was also controlling too. I just may never know the real answer. But if anyone knows anyone similar to my STBXW, and they've been diagnosed, then maybe I may have a better idea even if it's not a professional diagnosis. 
And I apologize for being all over the place with my story. I think it's my ADD.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I understand the impulse to understand and define, HoustonDad, I really do...

but who cares? Why do you care? This is all putting more energy into a relationship that is dead and gone. Every minute you spend trying to diagnose her is a minute taken away from building your new life.

Sorry to be so blunt. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you -- I know it's going to be a tough one, given the holiday.


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

No apology necessary lamaga. I guess it's harder to let go because she's the mother of my kids and my kids will continue to be in contact with her whether it's visitation or skyping. 
But I see your point.
You're right. I need to focus more on me right now. I need to be that counter-weight to my EX wife's mental instability. My kids need a stronger daddy when they see me again. 
It's easy to have all these thoughts (like my EXs mental health) when your kids aren't around to keep you busy.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Manic - depression has a genetic component. The disease is actually a continuim that ranges from depression alone, rapid cycling, to full blown MDD of varying severalties. Also, hyperthroidism may play a role in lasting eradic behavior even when treated. Is she being treated for MDD? Is she taking lithium? If so, lithium has an effect on the thyroid. 

I understand your need to know what happened. It is part of healing and letting go. Read up on the illnesses she has had and see if you recognize her. It important to know that this is not your fault or due to anything you did or didnot do. No matter who she was with or even if she never married, her illness would have taken this turn. Many depressive illnesses manifest greater severity suddenly in the 30's. 

I have questions. Did she make the drive to Huston without resting overnight? Is she doing the same going back? If so, she may be in a manic phase. Her judgement is very poor and the kids may not be safe. Can you restrict in any way her activity with them?

Can she stay with a relative in the area of Huston and spend time with the kids under supervision in the future? Can you fly the kids to MN, have them stay for 2 weeks and then come back home? I would give consideration to perhaps changing the summer visitation since she seems unable to provide stability at present. 

I wish you the best and I am so sorry this has happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Hello Catherine602,
I've heard that finding answers helps put closure to it. But I don't want that to depend on finding the answers because I just may never know. But I do want my kids safe.
She's keeping communication to a minimum with me. But I know she drove down here with little rest. However, her current BF and his kids were down here to meet her and drive with her back up. As much as I'm not fond of this BF, I prefer he helped drive. 
Unfortunately, all of this occurred 2 days ago. The counselors feel she is immature and controlling.
As for lithium, no she never took it. But she did take other anti-depressants that never seemed to be effective. Of course, this was the general doctor prescribing this, not a professional psychologist. So she never received proper treatment and like I mentioned before, has not sought individual counseling to my knowledge.
One thing the counselors and I wanted to say in our meeting before they left was that the kids can always come home early if things get too stressful. Because of my EXs anxiety and the addition of her BFs kids (who are there periodically) with my kids will only make things more stressful for her I feel.
Revisiting the decree she just signed and filing for a modification is a real possibility now that her instability is more apparent.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Be glad that her BF is the one dealing with her now. I don't see this relationship lasting long, but again, who cares?

She's a lying cheat. There are lots of mentally ill people in the world who don't cheat on their spouses. She gets to use her bi-polar disorder as an excuse to be a hussie.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does she have her thyroid under control now? Is it still going back and forth from hyper and then hypo?

One of my sisters had this problem. She was on an emotional rollercoaster from it. She was about 55 when her doctors finally killed her thyroid with radiation and she's on thyroid meds now. They have to be adjusted from time to time.

She's not ok. She is quite honestly off her rocker most of the time. She makes terrible decisions that we all have to rescue her from.

She's got all kinds of problems like depression and so forth. At times she's been on drugs for these things that have made her more nuts.

I wonder if this is your wife's problem. The thyroid is responsible for so much in our body. It it's going back and froth from one extreme to the other, her emotions are as well. And she has no control over this.

If it is, there is not one neat diagnosis. She will suffer all sorts of problems. Her best chance at a stable emotional life would be for her to find the best doctor available for her thyroid problems and follow his/her advice religiously. 

By the way, it's not clear from your post... did your wife take your children with her? Or are they still with you?


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

She was able to take the kids only because she signed the decree( just as she picked up the kids) and that the addict nephew was not going and being their summer nanny. 
My only concern now is that she doesn't have daycare set in place yet. She told me that she will be watching the kids until she finds an alternative. So for now, I'm sort of on standby.
I have no idea who she's seeing right now in regards of her thyroid. But she is a mess. Up and down. Unpredictable when I talk with her. Once conversation can go fine, and another can go to **** fast. 
But having said the above, I also realize that I need to continue improving myself before I can focus on anyone else. It's just distracting because my kids are with her right now. It's just my dog and I. My house is eerily quiet. It's only been a few days since my kids have been gone so there's a bit of "shock".


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Hello Catherine602,
> I've heard that finding answers helps put closure to it. But I don't want that to depend on finding the answers because I just may never know. But I do want my kids safe.
> She's keeping communication to a minimum with me. But I know she drove down here with little rest. However, her current BF and his kids were down here to meet her and drive with her back up. As much as I'm not fond of this BF, I prefer he helped drive.
> Unfortunately, all of this occurred 2 days ago. The counselors feel she is immature and controlling.
> ...


This is all water under the bridge but just so you know. She received inadequate treatment and the physician should have referred her to a psychiatrist. The medical management of MDD is tricky. They need a combination of drugs, an antidepressant and mood stabilizer. Lithium is the most efficacious mood stabilizer. 

Her anxiety should also have been treated. Selecting the right antidepressant is one way or adding an anxietolytic agent are two strategies. 

I am not giving you medical advice just examples so you will be aware. Please seek appropriate medical advice if you are able to influence her care. 

A psychiatrist would have known the proper treatment. If you go back to court, may I suggest that you make the changes in custody only until she seeks proper medication for her condition and IC. That will give her hope and motivation I think.

You are really not responsible for her care, and it may effect your recovery. So you have to weigh that in how you proceed. A happy dad in a functional relationship is the best thing you can do for your children. 

They are the most important people in all this. You are equally important because your state of happiness directly effects them.

I wish and your family and your ex the healing you need.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I feel for you. I'm in the same boat, trying to figure out my ex do I can help
my daughter. He has a severe thyroid disorder, a history of street drug use, symptoms of depression, borderline personality disorder, bipolar and a couple other personality disorders. He has symptoms of asperger's too. I've decided my official diagnosis is "****ed up a-hole who has no morals."
I would like to know something officially so I can see if it starts developing in my daughter but I will never know.
My h too had a major personality change at age 30. I found out one of his aunt's did too: went from atheist in the extreme to leaving her husband to move to a community two hours away that borders on cult-like. For the rest of her life she used her religion as a way to control the family and feel superior to everyone.
I have heard from some mental health practitioners that there is a strange rare phenomenon of people changing at age 30 or so but there's no diagnosis. 
My advice is of you find a diagnosis that fits, read as much as you can about how to protect yourself from that kind of person and how to deal with them. Who cares if it's not official? If it works, it works. I learned a lot from a board about people divorcing people with borderline personality disorder, it fits him to a tee. But who knows?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

