# Advice needed! He says he needs space...



## daisy0614 (Jul 25, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years. But we have known/dated eachother for almost 8 years now. Everything has been perfect. We have sex atleast once a week, make eachother laugh and play constantly, we have our own sets of friends we hang out with as well as friends we share to do things together. We rarely argue and when we do its always resolved that day. 

My husband grew up with a pretty bad childhood. He had a father and mother who were alcoholics and he saw his dad hit his mom and them growing up. He also lost his sister suddenly when he was little and she was little too- it was some kind of sickness. He was taken away from his parents and his siblings around 7 and taken to live with his aunt and uncle who were gracious enough to give him a home, but they did not treat him as well as they could have. He has always been the guy to take a challenge and use it as fuel and I think he sees his life as that. He's very athletic and does not like school all that much. I am athletic but love school. I am currently getting a degree while he went through the fire academy as well as taking some college classes to get his EMT basic certification. He wants to help people. He really wants to be a fire fighter but he has not been given the opportunity to do so. 

However, for the last 2 years he has been working as an EMT where he can help people. There were issues with his job a while back where he got fired for no reason and then they hired him back when the person who wrongfully fired him was fired. During this time of unemployment he began to feel bad about himself and say that he wasnt good enough for me, that he was holding me back. He even went so far as saying that he wanted to go into the Navy and that he thought I should find someone better for me during this time. I tried to be supportive of him and show him that he can have any job he wants and be anything he wants and that I would help him do any of it. I also know that men tend to put their identity with their job and what they do. I knew that losing his job made him feel lost and incompetent so I tried to make him feel like my hero and that he was no where near incompetent and definitely who I want to be with. Once he got his job back things started to pick up again and we went on a cruise together where everything was absolutely perfect. We had a blast with our entire family and since then everything was great. However, about two weeks ago he was asked to take his continuing education classes to keep his EMT license from 8am until 5 pm Monday through Friday and work his usual shift from 5pm until 5 am. The first week he did this he also got called in to work that same weekend because a coworker's child got sick and had to take off. The next week he did the same schedule. I was so excited to see him when he got off. I knew he would be exhausted and grouchy, but that was expected after everything he had been through the last two weeks. 

However, when he came home I could immediately tell that something big was bothering him. He was really really upset and sat down and began telling me that he wasn't happy. He wasn't sure why but he said he's been thinking this for a while now. He said that I am perfect and have done nothing wrong, that he loves me and will always love me. He started talking about how he wasn't good enough for me again, that he was holding me back, that I could and should find someone better. Yet he said that he needs some space. He then randomly said that his father was back in jail- he said all he got was a text message from him saying he was back in jail and that he loved him. I immediately knew that this was what was really bothering him. So I tried to tell him that he is not his father adn that he is not defined by who his parents are. But he told me that he has dark secrets things he's never told anyone and that he's never really opened up to anybody. I told him that I knew that and I was trying to give him time and space to decide when he was ready for it. The whole time he was packing he was very emotional yet keeping it all in (ive only seen him cry once before- he doesnt do it often) but I could definitely tell he wanted to cry. He seemed so upset but that at the same time he seemed set on this being what he needed. I know that he is not cheating on me, but to be certain I asked him and he was very calm and looked me in the eye when he said no- and that this wasn't like that. I truly believe him. I know that he would never cheat on me and that this is not the problem. He started packing a lot of his stuff, but left some too for "collateral" as he called it so that I would know he would for sure come back.

He said that he would be back and that we would talk about everything that is bothering him and us and that he wouldn't make a decision about getting a divorce until then. I thought he would leave immediately, but he asked if he could take me to walmart to get me a temporary cell phone (mine had broken which left us with little contact for about a week). Once we did that he asked if he could take me to lunch. It seemed like he was trying to put off leaving me and I didn't want him to go, but I knew that he had made up his mind about needing the space and I didn't want to push him away by nagging him so I let it be. When he finally left, he gave me the biggest hug he's ever giving me, almost as if he didnt want to let go and then came in and gave me a kiss ( I didnt iniate anything because I wanted it to be his choice to come to me). He then asked me to call him with my new number so that he could have it and to let me know when i got my new phone.

It's only been one full day since this happened, but I am not sure what to think. Did I do the right thing? I called him today and told him that I have dark secrets of my own that I want to share with him- I want him to know that he isn't the only one who is affected by their past and I am too just not as bad as he. He reassured me that he wouldn't make his decision until after we talked with eachother which I guess is good news. I'm just worried about this time apart- I want to be the one to help him through this time and I know that he just needs to open up about his past and share with somone and not let it define him like he has. I just wanted someone else's opinion on what to do and advice for how to get through this time.

Thank you all.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Aren't you wondering why he left you? Aren't you wondering what his past and not talking to anyone has to do with you - his wife he says he loves? I sure am wondering, and the only thing I can come up with is he is depressed. He exhibits signs of bi-polar disorder.

I wonder what it is that presses him so hard, and wonder if he had something to do with his sister's death, or maybe he thinks he did. Children often get perceptions mixed up in their heads and blame themselves needlessly. Whatever it is, he experiences enormous guilt over it and thinks himself a bad person for having done it, or for thinking he did it. If there is something he actually did, he will likely talk himself into turning himself in. If the depression is so deep that he can't handle it, he could become suicidal. That was not to scare you but just to mention it is an aspect of bi-polar disorder. Some do but most do not attempt to kill themselves and those who do don't usually succeed. They just use the ploy as a cry for help. By suicidal, I mean he might talk about it and he might just be trying to reach out.

He needs to talk to a counselor/therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist - someone. I am curious to know why he hasn't and why you haven't suggested it. 

In the meantime, I can imagine how confused you must be and feeling pretty bad, too. But you really don't have to because there is nothing you can do. The loved ones of depressed people always think they can do something to help. They always think they can convince the person that they are wrong to be so down on themselves. But it never works because the depression is bigger than you are. So you needn't feel bad, and you needn't feel responsible for him, his moods, or his self-deprecating. But please do try to talk him into seeking help. Make the appointment for him and tell him what day and time to show up. He needs medication to control the dark days, and medication is the only thing that can help him. Please make the appointment soon.


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