# why? Why? WHY?--For Badkarma



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> Badkarma here...been thru my own share of affair hell....
> 
> can you pls tell me honestly Why you did what you did to your BH...
> 
> ...


Hi Badkarma, 

I have to admit, I have a lot of trepidation about responding to this, but in the interest of maybe opening some dialogue here, I've decided to take the risk. However, I will let you know right now that I don't PM with other men, so that's why I'm creating a thread and doing it in public. 

So you ask "Why?" and my first thought is that there are actually two possible things you are asking me. One is *"What things were occurring in your marriage and your life that came into alignment that it resulted in an affair?"* Another is *"What was it about you that resulted in an affair?"* Since the answer to both questions is intertwined, I am going to answer both. 

*"What things were occurring in your marriage and your life that came into alignment that it resulted in an affair?"*

You would need to know some history about both myself and my Dear Hubby. I was physically, emotionally and verbally abused as a child; my dad was/is an alcoholic and my mom was/is untreated mentally ill, and in that dysfunctional dynamic I was beaten daily. So I had a rough start. Then I married a man who was also abusive but since he didn't ball up his fist and hit me, it didn't occur to me that it was abuse. My first marriage ended when I got irrefutable proof of adultery and he refused to stop being unfaithful. 

My Dear Hubby had a better childhood with nice brothers and christian parents, but he was unwise and partied too hearty. He also had children and got married, but at one point he had an EA and ended it and confessed, and literally decades later his wife had a PA and refused to end it and the marriage ended. 

So we were not angels (but who is?) and we both had our own issues/baggage that we brought to our marriage. Still, we grew from our issues. I went to therapy for years and years, and after my divorce I went to a support group for partners of abusers, and to a divorce recovery group and just a lot of stuff. I worked through a LOT of my issues--but I guess I also always feel like there's room for growth, even when a person has come a long way. Dear Hubby also actually studied counseling and as he studied it he applied it to himself as he went along. So I think when we came together we were far from perfect but still also pretty healthy. 

Anyway, both of us just LOVE children, and our agreement if you will was that we would not use birth control and just allow pregnancies to happen naturally as they would. Altogether we had seven children (his, mine and ours) and we loved it. All of our children were home schooled or rather, more precisely, each was schooled individually in a way that worked for them. Some did private schools, some were home-schooled but with a curriculum, and some were unschooled and each one is absolutely a unique and wonderful person. 

My Dear Hubby is five years older than I am, so it's not a huge age difference but it was part of what occurred in our marriage and life that ended up resulting in an affair. He began to hit what I would think is the man-equivalent of menopause (manopause maybe?) and had some decrease in sexual interest and some worry about performance. I think that's generally a natural occurence and I didn't notice any particular difference in how the plumbing seemed to be working, so I didn't understand the change. I didn't speak out loud and ask, and he didn't speak out loud and explain, so there was error #1: we assumed. I assumed he was losing interest in me, and he assumed he wasn't "as good as he used to be" and whatnot. 

So I would try to initiate, he would feel worried and turn me down, I'd feel rejected, he'd feel like crap, and he retreated into playing online games. It's how he deals with depressing things to a degree. Anyways, he would be involved in his game, I'd feel even more ignored, he'd feel even more ****ty...it was a downward spiral. 

Then a major tragedy hit. I was pregnant, we went to the doctor and it was all confirmed and we were ecstatic...and I miscarried. The loss was crushing! But then in the medical stuff after that, we had some things checked and came to find out we were infertile--so no more kids. Ever. This was a GIGANTIC blow to me, and with a husband who no longer wanted me and the news that I was no longer able to become a mom, I felt like an ugly, dried up old prune. It was a deep grief. 

The way I deal with sorrow, I want to hug and cry together, and sort of turn to turn to each other. The way he deals with sorrow is to retreat, deal with it internally, and then when he's adjusted to it and addressed it, he can come out and respond. But at the time, I didn't know that, so after a little feeling of rejection and whatnot, here comes this major tragedy and I felt like just when I needed him, he shut me out. 

If you had asked me at that time if I tried to talk to him, I would have said, "I tried everything including dancing naked beside him to get his attention, and he didn't even notice." But on his side, now that I know better and have learned, I suspect he did sort of see that I was trying to get his attention, but he was dealing with his own grief and was not ready/able to come out and deal with mine. I didn't know that. 

So I thought, "Well, it's healthy for people to have individual interests. I guess while he does his thing, I'll do my own and play a game I like that he says he doesn't really like that much." So error #2: I picked something that excluded my spouse. 

See up to this point there was no intention for an affair, no intention for stuff like "Oh I'll get my needs met"...nothing. I just thought while he was doing X I would do Y, and I could have chosen something like crocheting (trust me, he has no interest in crocheting!), but I do also happen to like playing games so that's what I picked. Of course, what I didn't realize was that it was the first step of going off-track: setting up interests and "a life" that did not actively involve my spouse! 

So I happen to be a person who enjoys writing (bet you couldn't tell that!) and the game I played involved people who were ruling like kingdoms, and they needed someone who would write either constitutions for their country or rules for their kingdom, etc. My part in the game was writing legal documents and then if someone in the kingdom broke the rules, I interpreted the law and would advise their judicial branch on how to rule. Sometimes I defended people; sometimes I prosecuted. I created everything from dictatorships to anarchies, and I loved it. 

Now at first I tried to include him or ask if he'd like to review a document I wrote, and he did that sort of response that was half-interested but not really enthusiastic. Eventually I just stopped asking and he didn't ask so I figured he was not interested. Error #3: I gave up. Again I assumed rather than speaking out loud about what was bothering me or finding out what he meant or why. 

From there I would say it's fairly typical of any affair. Someone in the game liked my work and said it out loud. I enjoyed the fact that someone thought I did good work. Someone acted interested in me (like "you're a good player!") and I was flattered and liked it. And still at this point I was thinking "Wow I am really enjoying this. It is fun! No wonder he likes to play" and things along that line. 

THEN the other man expressed interest in ME. Me as a person, not just the game. I was absolutely not prepared for that, so error #4: I had no protections in place to safeguard my marriage. I never considered anyone else so I also did have any safe boundaries in place, I didn't know my own weak points, I had nothing in place to protect myself from myself...nothing. So that was VERY unwise! 

After that, I pretty much was hooked. Now when I look back on it, I honestly do wonder who in the heck that woman is, because it's not me. I mean, it's not my overall personality type to behave like that or be dishonest or immoral, and yet there I was. In real truth, here's the thing: I knew it was wrong but I liked it and it felt good, so I made excuses to continue. I didn't "jump across the line" I took a small step across, then the next day I moved the line, then the next day I took a small step across that line...and just kept on doing that. 

I happen to be a person who does believe in "affair fog" because I've lived it. Now do I think it's an excuse? No. No more than I think an addict is excused from their behavior when they are addicted! I think of it more like "how did you get there"? because the way a disloyal person (including myself) behaves is just so 100% the opposite of what makes sense! So how can a person who spent 20 or 30 years being honest suddenly be the exact antithesis of everything they spent a lifetime being? That makes no sense. They are going to lose everything they worked a whole lifetime for--that makes no sense. The only thing that seems to be a fitting analogy is the addiction concept, and that isn't exactly right--it's just close enough to sort of be close. 

So those were the events and things that occurred in my life and in my marriage that lead to an affair. To me that doesn't explain "Why" but it does explain what lead up to it, the spots where I made an error and took a wrong turn, and where I had weaknesses, etc. To discover most of these things, first I had to look at the events that occurred as I viewed them AND AS MY DEAR HUBBY VIEWED THEM. I found out that a major, major contributor was assuming, and then we had to address "well...how do we not assume? What would that be like? How do we do that?"

*"What was it about you that resulted in an affair?"*

Oh there were many things, to be completely honest. I grew up being beaten by my parents, so I loved them and the people who loved me hurt me... so you can see that my concept of "love" was off kilter from the beginning. Nonetheless, I did know that hitting someone and hurting someone was not "loving".... so I could tell what love ISN'T, but didn't have a very firm grasp on what love IS. Make sense? 

Still, I also had years and years of therapy to help me deal with that, and before the affair I do believe I had many of my issues dealt with and addressed, so I din't consider my past to be an excuse or even a reason. It's just part of the mix that is who I am. 

Another part of that mix is that a lot of my identity at the time was wrapped up in "being a mother." Having seven kids, I sure didn't neglect my Dear Hubby or focus so much on mom-hood that I wasn't also his wife...BUT  When you have seven kids, the fact is that a lot of your time and energy and thoughts and feels are entangled in the kids. And for me, a lot of my self-worth was being able to say that I had seven kids (pride swelling in my chest). Know what I mean? So yes, the late 40's hit and physical changes occurred, and I had nothing in place to deal with the upheavals of menopause in both of us. Usually I have various tools at my disposal that I can use to navigate situations, and I just was not prepared to hear I'd never be pregnant again. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? 

Finally, I'd say that the thing in me that allowed an affair would be what I think is pretty typical of most people: I fell into temptation. I did the wrong thing. There were many missteps before the temptation even presented itself where I could have nipped it in the bud, but once it did present itself, it felt so good to have someone think I was amazing. I'll be honest--I wanted that feeling of being adored, so much so that I justified more and more and more little line crosses. Of course, what occurs is that if you move the line a foot every day, it's only a few days before you've moved 100 feet and a few more and it's a football field and you are MILES away from the boundary you thought you held for yourself. 

In a way I think that may be why I did "see" my Dear Hubby cry that one day. I was so far away from who I really am, and there was so much internal conflict over standing so far away from where I said I'd never go, that I couldn't maintain it anymore. Inside my stomach, it was like a ball of stress and sickening! And what's worse, the person I was disgusted with was ME! 

Again, unlike so many disloyal spouses, I think I had some tools/skills within my natural personality so I had the internal ability to deal with stopping what I knew was wrong, stopping the denial, taking personal responsibility, and not really seeing myself as sickening. Too often I think some disloyals don't have the skills to combat their loss of self-esteem so they deal with it in poor ways (like "I'll make myself feel better by making others feel worse"). 

I also have an AMAZING Dear Hubby. He was willing to be a friend, just a guy who actually liked me, when I had treated him so poorly! He was also willing to work with me so that we could learn to do better. We still practice to this day! And I think his willingness to not rage, not be all blaming and punitive, really helped me to have the positive reinforcement to keep going and keep working. 

Soooooo...I hope this answer your question somewhat and if not, I'd be happy to continue the discussion. What I won't do is be told that I'm blaming my Dear Hubby for my affair.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thank you for sharing.&#55357;&#56842;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thanks for sharing this. I think it shows many things. Just about anyone can end up in an affair with the right circumstances. When a couple works together to recover a marriage after an affair, they can learn so much more about each other and end up have a strong marriage going forward.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

AC, you know what struck me most about your story? The normalcy. Your situation is so much like all the others that is a bit scary. We are all different but we are more the same than I think we'd care to admit. It's why I say that everyone is capable of infidelity and the only way to hopefully prevent it is knowledge. Believing that you can cheat is the first step toward avoiding it.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

I appreciate you sharing your story. It helps us understand what you went through and what others can do to safeguard their marriage and affair-proof it.

Thanks for sharing your story. You put a lot of time into writing that


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

AffairCare, that was beautiful. Very well written and thought out. The love for your husband and he for you really comes across beautifully. 

I never had the love at the beginning of my marriage so no tools were ever in place for anything to build from or off of. 

Happy wishes to you and your family.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Does anybody know why Badkarma got banned ????


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

It takes a great person to look at one's self and admit faults. It takes even a greater person to change. 

So many people can not overcome the background you did and be loving and productive in life.

Kudo's to you and your H is lucky too.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

xakulax said:


> Does anybody know why Badkarma got banned ????


For speaking the truth....badkarma2014


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

AFFAIRCARE...Thank You so much for taking the time to write such an honest and poignant reply to my question..

I think any of us reading this should take a hard look at themselves and their Marriage
...

I dont always agree with Elegirl...however as she stated "Anyone can have an affair under the right circumstances..."

My WW was as VANILLA and prudish as you could imagine ...Until she met the OM and then she wasnt...

Again Elegirl...you nailed it...It can happen to any marriage ...HAPPY OR NOT....


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

badkarma2013 said:


> AFFAIRCARE...Thank You so much for taking the time to write such an honest and poignant reply to my question..
> 
> I think any of us reading this should take a hard look at themselves and their Marriage
> ...
> ...





Which is why I'm not getting married


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

xakulax said:


> Which is why I'm not getting married


 I second this motion. No matter how strong you may be you just never know what the other person is thinking and feeling at any given time.


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