# Heartbroken by my husband.



## Sadly Hopeful (Jan 13, 2010)

To get some background information, my previous post is here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/10514-he-says-he-wants-work.html#post118983.


I've never known the meaning of a broken heart until now. 

As of the last post, we have met with a counselor. The session went horribly, as he felt like she took my side and wasn't compassionate with him. I quickly started doing some reflecting and gathering advice from some male friends and realized that our initial problems were all started by a lack of communication early on. My main focus shifted from him to grad school and he didn't know how to communicate that he felt 2nd tier. We never identified this problem and things just snowballed for over two years. He has had several emotional affairs and each time, I was in denial that I had any part in the foundational reason. 

Now I understand that I am just as much a part in this mess as he is. I love him so much and this whole situation has made me realize the extent of my love. I want to move on and work on things together. I want to forgive him for any wrong doings and be forgiven for all the pain I have caused him. I am willing to attend counseling by myself and have already purchased 3 marriage advice books/workbooks for us.

He is telling me that he needs space. The past two nights he has stayed in a hotel and he's been ignoring me for 4 days. I've tried to tell him that by isolating himself and withdrawing from me, he's actually hurting me and hurting our recovery as a couple. He tells me that he has so many thoughts running through his head that he needs to clear and being away from me is the only way to do it. I got him to come home last night, but all he wanted to do was explain why he needed time away. I sobbed to him about how all I want is him and how much I want to be in his arms- about how I want to forgive and move on, learn from our mistakes. I asked him if I could sit next to him and he got angry. I asked him if he wanted to look at old pictures of us and he got angry. He doesn't understand why ignoring me and leaving me alone is hurting me so badly. He says he loves me, but he doesn't know if he wants to stay married. He said the thoughts he couldn't settle were the idea that marriage was a mistake, that he has hurt me so deeply (via the emotional affairs), and how he thinks we are completely different people.

Eventually, I got to the point of hysterics. Crying uncontrollably over the thoughts that I love him so deeply, yet he's unwilling to even let me touch him.

He kept repeating how he needed time away. At this point, I snapped in heartbroken hysterics. I grabbed a glass, threw it at the ground, and told him to go ahead and leave me. I fell to the ground, crying hysterically over the severe pain he's causing me. I just want to be with him. He grabbed his things and rushed out the door. When I realized what just happened, I burst out the front door to stop him. But it was too late. I sat in the drive way sobbing as he drove away.

I don't know how to give my husband time away from me. I think he should be working out these issues with me, because we will have to address them to move on. 

I am just so heart broken. How can someone tell me that they love me, yet leave me to cry alone all night in an empty house.


----------



## lovinghimforever (Dec 14, 2009)

HUGS!!!

Wow SH, you and I must have been seperated at birth because I went through this exact situation on Monday.

The one thing I learned though is this: You have NO control over what your Husband is feeling. NONE. You can kick, scream, throw glasses and nothing will change the way he feels but himself. It's hard to grasp, but it is the truth.

I hope that you have calmed down by now. All you can do is give him what he wants, his space. It can be for the best. Keep yourself busy and if you feel like you need to call him, write it down instead. It gets better, it really does. It's not the end of the world and you will be OK.

Message me if you need someone to talk to.


----------



## lovinghimforever (Dec 14, 2009)

"Love is like sand, the tighter you grip onto it, the more it slips out of your fingers."


----------



## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

I'm like the two of you. But I'm further on so I can help. I begged my husband to stay the first time he left, and he did. But strangely, I didn't feel much better, because he stayed because I asked, not because he WANTED to. I know you want to be loved by him and wanted by him. I too, desperately wanted that. I begged him to stay, and yelled at him to leave....anything to get him to see the pain I was in. It's hard to accept that you can't fix this. I have so many marriage self help books too. And my husband said I turned our counselor against him. Very similar to you. Start a journal, write letters that you never give him, write your feelings here. It gets better, slowly. As the prayer goes, "Give me the strength to accept the things I can not change.." What he did to you was wrong, no matter what his problems with you were. It's been a year since the first time I begged my husband to stay, and now I wish I hadn't......because it didn't change ANYTHING


----------



## Sadly Hopeful (Jan 13, 2010)

My situation is a little different than yours. 

We've had battles repeatedly through our marriage, but I was in denial that I had any responsibility for the cause. It was just recently that I realized a lack of attention, gratitude, affection, etc, have been a root cause for our problems. I know I'm not the sole to blame, because it's partly my husbands fault for not relaying his feelings back to me when he felt like he was on the back burner. So, we've made this mess together. 

And unlike all the other times, when we've vowed to make things better, there's actually something to work on here. We have identified that we've never been able to relay our feelings. Instead it's been this horrible cycle of defensiveness, anger, and stonewalling. Knowing that we have a starting point makes me excited for our future together.

I'm not begging him to stay in this marriage, per se. I'm begging him to stay with me and to work through the inner problems he's having. I want to assure him that I have forgiven him to any EAs he's partaken in and explain my newfound trust in our relationship. 

I want him to say "Yes, I want to stay in this marriage, because we love each other. Even though everything else is wrong, we still have love and can work on everything else". He's just being so resistant. So defensive. Unwilling to comfort me or let me comfort him. Unwilling to show emotion, when in reality I know he's dying inside. He wants to run from this problem, but should be addressing it together. 

I just want him to come home. To be with me. To let us mend the wounds together.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there, 
I feel for you as I remember myself and the pain I felt, it just feels like your whole world is being ripped out from under you.
All the pleading and crying won't make things any better, he knows how you feel, you need to give him time and not pressure him.....he probably felt he had no option but to leave. 
He needs to figure out what is important to him and he can't do that with you trying to convince him..
I know it's tough and I know that you now see your part in all that has happened in the past, it was an eye opener for me as well.....he needs to see the changes in you and he could work on what you need from him and then the two of you can work on the "us' part.......give him time, no contact and see what happens....stay cool and be understanding.....
It's hard being patient because it feels like you are doing nothing but this is what is called for here......


----------



## Sadly Hopeful (Jan 13, 2010)

Update:

My husband left on a Tue or Wed several weeks ago saying that he needed alone time to "think". At the time he said he loved me, but wasn't sure if he wanted to remain married to me, because he didn't know if we could get to a level that we were once at. I battled emotions hard for those few days. Rejection, loneliness, heart break.. etc. 

When I came home from work on that Friday, he was there. We embraced, shed some tears, and I was under the impression that he was ready to start rebuilding our broken marriage (that's what coming home means, right!?!?)

The following few weeks were amazing. Life resumed as normal and I thought everything was going great. Although, I will admit that I noticed he wasn't trying as hard as I was to integrate vital things back into our life. For example, I would send him loving text messages to wish him a good day and often wouldn't receive a response. I was doing a lot of the physical pursuing and initiating physical contact... etc etc. I just thought he needed time to work into the groove and I was still happy.

Then something happened last Friday. He had told me about a week in advance that he was going out with some friends for a drink. (We have been best friends for 5 years and do everything together, so this was a new thing for us). I was a little sad that he didn't want me to go along, but I had no problem with him wanting some guy time. He leaves for work very early in the morning (like, 6ish), so sometimes I don't see him until evening (which is 8ish). On that Friday, he got off work at 4 PM and went right afterwards to a local sports bar with his friends. I texted him a few times though out the evening, just to assure him that I would pick him up if he needed a ride (and frankly, I was lonely too). Around 10, I asked him to come home, because I wanted to spend time with him (I hadn't seen him since Thursday night). He didn't actually come home until 1:00 AM - after I had gone to bed. I was very upset and I think rightfully so. We talked the next day and I'm not even sure if he understands why I was upset. 

Oh well. We moved on. 

Sunday through Tuesday were great. Then, Wednesday (yesterday) he drops the bomb. He tells me he still doesn't know if he wants to stay in this marriage and he feels bad for hurting me. I feel so emotionally deceived. Why would I have continued life as normal?? He told me he came home because "he missed me" (WTF) and he still doesn't know if he wants to remain in this marriage. He wants to separate. I think it's the worst idea ever. Married couples don't separate, dating couples do. Married couples don't get that option - a principle of marriage is that you work through the tough times. 

So, he left again. I don't know where he went. 

I have since filled friends and family in, mainly for support and advice. Several of them have said it sounds like he has other interests that are pulling at him. I can't deny that all of the evidence (and the past emotional affairs) suggests that. 

At this point, I am done fighting for him. I have spend so much emotional and physical energy to show him that things will be so amazing once we get through this. He has to fight for me now. He needs to prove to me that I am what he wants.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What if he doesn't?


----------



## Sadly Hopeful (Jan 13, 2010)

Then I'll move on. It will hurt, because I made a commitment to him for the rest of my life, but I need somebody to want me.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have access to his phone records? To see if he's contacting any other women now? If he is, he'll never recommit to you. They would have to be out of the picture.


----------



## Sadly Hopeful (Jan 13, 2010)

I'm not sure if I could get that information. Sneaking around has caused some major fires (recently, too) and I'm not sure if I'm willing to take that chance. 

I think he's having some sort of emotional crisis/depressive episode. He is a sales manager and his company is doing horrible. I am a full time student, so he is the breadwinner. He works over 60 hours a week, but is in 'manager-mode' 24/7. Constantly checks his blackberry, etc. 

I'm trying to not be angry, but he's being so selfish. He left home Wednesday night and didn't tell me where he went. I haven't heard from him since. Not even an "are you ok?" text. (We live in a bad neighborhood and have had a break-in recently, so I am really anxious about being alone at night).


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What's up with the sneaking around?


----------



## Sadly Hopeful (Jan 13, 2010)

He's had several emotional affairs, which has demolished trust. I caught several of these EAs via his email, texts, and social networking sites.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then I'd have to say you're better off away from him. Why would you want someone who doesn't love you?


----------



## Sadly Hopeful (Jan 13, 2010)

Well, he tells me that he loves me.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Er...ummm...what exactly is YOUR definition of love? 

If you loved your husband, would you have multiple affairs with other men? Would you ignore him? Would you tell him you didn't want him going out with you for drinks? Would you ignore all his phone calls and texts?

Time to do some research. Go to the library and find some books on codependency. I think it will open your eyes.


----------



## Sadly Hopeful (Jan 13, 2010)

I have a definition of love, but I think the foundation is not something that can be explained. I know I love him, but I completely understand what you are saying.

He has told me that he doesn't know if he can forgive himself for the pain he's caused me and that he needs time to figure things out. When I asked him what kind of issues he's struggling with (specifics) he either blankly stares into the walls with no response or blankly stares into the walls and says "i don't know". It's like he's mentally UNABLE to focus on how he feels. It just doesn't make sense to me.

For me... it's easy (partly why it's so hard for me to understand why he's acting crazy). 1. You've hurt me and I've hurt you. 2. I still love you (and you still love me??). 3. Let's start from here.

It's hard for me to imagine that he doesn't love me. I guess we are officially separated. What are the rules? Should I expect him to keep in touch? Should we be spending time together?

Should I try and contact him?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You fell for a classic: accepting blame for "snooping" when HE was having EAs (at least). 

At a deep level, he knows he has all the power b/c you let him turn the tables. For the very first moment he did anything inappropriate, he forfeited his right to privacy/trust. 

Until he accepted full responsibility for his reaction to the marital breakdown, you should not have discussed working on the marriage. That means he would have had to accept your terms for letting him back into your life: no private accounts of any type, no private time outside the home unless somewhere he could account for and with someone you trust, etc. Once that was established, you could have started marriage counseling and admitted to your role in the marital breakdown. At no point should you accept responsibility for his REACTION--you did not "drive" him to it. He chose it as a way of dealing with his dissatisfaction. He could have talked to you, left, gone into a funk, taken up basketweaving--you get my point. He chose infidelity. That is all on him.

You seem very dependent and I think that some counseling for you on being assertive, understanding yourself and how to establish and hold boundaries for yourself, is in order. Maybe then, if you want him back (and you may not!!), you could re-establish a healthy relationship. For now, let him go. Do not contact him. Email if you need $$. Don't ask where he is or how he is. You need to focus on YOU right now. If he's like a lot of people, he will drift for a while, which gives you time to decide what you want to do. He may even dislike the fact that you pull away. Good. Tell him to let you have time to yourself and you will contact him when you are ready to discuss the marriage and/or the end of the marriage. If you stick with counseling, you will find the difference between "needing him back" and "wanting him back to give it a try." Neediness is not healthy for the relationship. Once you get beyond that, you'll be happier in general and ready to face what comes, and you might be sad but you won't be reacting like you did before. Good luck.


----------



## BellaOnlineMarriageEditor (Feb 12, 2010)

For now, You need to concentrate on yourself. Forget about him. Work on building yourself up and I honestly hope that you come to the point where you realize that you deserve better.


----------

