# Need help please....



## Whyme?? (Oct 31, 2011)

I not sure if this is the right topic to post under, but I'm at my wits end. I desperately need some help.

My husband constantly accuses me of cheating on him and I have not. We've been married for 12 years. He's currently unemployed and I know he's extremely stressed out, and I feel like he's taking his stress out on me.

He's called me already three times today at work telling me that he hates me, why would I cheat on him, etc. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING!! This is no way to live and I can't take it anymore.

He had a huge blowout this weekend. He yells and cusses me out. He punches holes in the walls.

I can't take it. I don't know what to do. Then after a couple of days he tell me how much he loves me. I know what he's doing isn't right, but I don't know why he's doing it. 

Someone please give me some advice.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Maybe the one doing the accusing is the one doing what they are accusing the other person of? 

I'm not saying for sure that he is, BUT if you're not, then there is no real reason for him saying that to you. Stress doesn't cause other people to accuse them of cheating. You have bigger fish to fry going on here as well, he is also calling you names, yelling, telling you he hates you, and punching holes in the wall. 

My suggestion to you is, ask yourself what are you getting out of this? Its unhealthy, and abusive.


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## Whyme?? (Oct 31, 2011)

I know he's insecure about not having a job and me paying all of the bills. 

He does threaten divorce, but then backs out. I keep telling him that if he's so unhappy then we should call it quits. I'm so drained. I cannot even get my job done.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

First, he has severe anger issues if he's punching holes in the walls. You could be next, so be careful.

Second, is he being specific as to how he thinks you are cheating on him?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Whyme?? said:


> I know he's insecure about not having a job and me paying all of the bills.
> 
> He does threaten divorce, but then backs out. I keep telling him that if he's so unhappy then we should call it quits. I'm so drained. I cannot even get my job done.


I understand him being insecure about the job thing and bills etc, BUT that doesn't cause a person to accuse another of cheating. 

The name calling, punching holes, telling you he hates you etc, is perhaps how he feels about himself. Even so, he has anger issues, and its best to see what your options are if this is something that isn't workable. He is destroying your self worth guaranteed.


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## MattTownsend (Oct 28, 2011)

Its so hard to give good advice when I don't have all the information. Here are some tools I have given to couples in the past that seem to help:

Take The High Road!
One of the most important decisions any of us ever make is the initial, sometimes impulsive interpretations we make of why people do what they do. It doesn't matter if your partner isn't listening to you or if you've just been in a car accident, it is always your responsibility to decide how you are going to respond. The choice is really fairly simple. You can choose to take High Road or the Low Road interpretations of why your partner is ignoring you, but remember that whatever road you choose will determine the destination of your conversation. If you think your partner ignores you because you're boring or because he doesn't care for you, you'll end up having completely different conversations and more negative feelings about the situation. Looking for the worst possible interpretations or catastrophizing are all what I call Low Road interpretations. The High Road interpretations might look more like this: He's ignoring you because he's just so into the article he's reading? Maybe he didn't really hear you or maybe he's just too tired to think? Remember, if you really want to create healthier and better performing relationships and conversations, you better make sure your head is on the High Road before you start talking.

Redirect the Attention
Most people's attention is fairly easy to re-direct. That is how magicians and pick pockets make their livings. To redirect their attention, you don't always have to use words or make demeaning remarks to your partner. You don't have to yell with disgust, "Are you even listening to me? Gosh, you are so rude!" I've found that when we start a conversation by threatening or demeaning another, it usually ends up being the least effective way to create a change. Sure it's fast, but in the end it sidetracks you both from the real issue. Instead, try redirecting their attention by physically moving closer to your partner, maybe even stepping into their personal space, if they're on the computer for example. You could even just walk up behind them and touch them gently on the back. Redirect their attention by using silence -- not the mean, cold shoulder type of silence, but instead you can wait and see how long it takes them to notice you're not talking anymore. When they do notice, you can reply with something warm like, "I knew you were busy and noticed that you were struggling listening to me and reading on the computer, so I quit talking." Warm silence can show that you don't have to be offended and can still send a very important message to your partner that you do see what they're doing. The final method, and my personal favorite way to redirect attention is to turn the offensive moment into a good laugh. Without using sarcasm, I try to find the funny by saying crazy and bizarre things to see if they're really listening, or sneaking up on them and putting my face right in theirs. That relieves the stress and sets the mood for a great conversation. 

Only Eye Contact Counts
One assumption that far too many people make about communication is the belief that it actually takes place. Just because someone can hear your voice and grunts and laughs at the right time, doesn't really mean they understand you. Everyone knows how to pretend to listen to someone by nodding their head and throwing in the occasional "uh huh" now and then. With all of the potential interruptions in our world that constantly compete for our attention, there is still one very old and true method to ensure someone really understands you . . . and that is to maintain eye contact. In my coaching world, I have struggling couples turn and face each other, eye to eye, for every conversation. In fact a basic rule is, "If you want me to change or deliver something with accountability, then we have to have the discussion eye to eye." If my wife yelled something out to me while I was in the shower and we didn't have eye contact, then in my world, she can't hold me accountable to it. The eyes are powerful sources of discernment. When we have them engaged, we increase the likelihood to connect, understand and discern what the other is really thinking and feeling. Eye contact also demands that we make the conversation important enough that we will move and inconvenience ourselves to get it right. The eyes really are the windows to the soul.

Change Your Future by Learning Today
In the end, every conversation breakdown that couples go through is simply an opportunity to prevent a breakdown in the future. Meaning, if as couples we make a sincere effort to learn together from each of our unhealthy conversations, then in reality, we should eventually see a decrease in the number of unhealthy conversations. By talking about how we talk, we can learn together better ways to communicate difficult things to each other. For example, if your partner wasn't listening to a story you were telling them, then I would do the following: First, I would take the High Road and assume that there are good reasons they weren't listening. Secondly, I would re-direct their attention with a joke or silence and get them to notice the breakdown. Third, with eye contact I would communicate about the problem and finally ask them to help you find a way to communicate in the moment when you feel like you're being ignored. By learning and asking questions like, "What should I do next time to clue you in when you're not listening?" Out of the discussion you can create a new rule together that you will both play by. For example, you may both agree to use a phrase with your partner when you feel that they are listening. Sometimes in my own life, I use the phrase from Ferris Buehler's school teacher who is calling role and Ferris isn't in the room to answer to his name. He just simply says, "Buehler, Buehler." Maybe something as simple as that can turn a potentially sour moment into a funny moment. Your new learning also has the potential to turn all future moments of inattention into something much more productive.

I sincerely hopes that this helps! I wish you all the luck in the world, and don't give up!


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## Whyme?? (Oct 31, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Second, is he being specific as to how he thinks you are cheating on him?


Yes, I think this is where the "cheating" thing is coming from. Last YEAR, we were watching one of those talk shows on tv about infidelity. I said that if he ever cheat that I would forgive him. To me they were just words, reality is something different. Ever since I made that comment he had been hounding me. I haven't done anything. 

It's the most sickening feeling to have to walk on eggshells around someone. We go through this every couple of months since then and he screams and yells at me about this. He threatens divorce and I beg him to stay (I know, that's pathetic). I'm at the point where if he thinks so little of me and obviously doesn't trust me for making a comment then it's not worth it. 

I can't even describe to you how it's affecting my day-to-day life.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Whyme?? said:


> I think this is where the "cheating" thing is coming from. Last YEAR, we were watching one of those talk shows on tv about infidelity. I said that if he ever cheat that I would forgive him. To me they were just words, reality is something different. Ever since I made that comment he had been hounding me. I haven't done anything.
> 
> It's the most sickening feeling to have to walk on eggshells around someone. We go through this every couple of months since then and he screams and yells at me about this. He threatens divorce and I beg him to stay (I know, that's pathetic). I'm at the point where if he thinks so little of me and obviously doesn't trust me for making a comment then it's not worth it.
> 
> I can't even describe to you how it's affecting my day-to-day life.


Exactly how is it affecting your day to day life? I mean this has been going on for a year and still is, what do you expect to happen? I doubt you're going to wake up one morning and he will just all of a sudden stop accusing you, tv show or not.

If its bad as you say and you're tired of it as you seem, you wouldn't be still putting up with it year later. If its really affecting your life, you need to rid yourself of this situation. If you are both in counseling, thats good, but doesn't seem to stop his actions. If you're not in counseling, I would say get into some ASAP if you want to try and make it work.


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## Whyme?? (Oct 31, 2011)

I wanted to try counseling, but is opposed to it. I even located marriage counselors in our area and he refused.

As far as it affecting my day-to-day life...I mean I'm going home from work in an hour and I'm going to be around a ticking time bomb. I know what he's doing is verbal and emotional abuse, but I want to fix this. When he gets like this he doesn't let me sleep; we'll fight all night. He says I value my sleep more than the marriage, but I'm the one who has to go to work on the morning!

I don't know what's wrong with me to still be putting up with it. I don't....

I just want to clarify day-to-day....These explosions happen every couple of months, but they last for days! He could be fine in the morning, but by the evening his pissed off at me about something and that comment comes up.


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## Whyme?? (Oct 31, 2011)

Just another part of my day....I left my day job to head to my part time job where I'll be until 7:30 p.m. and my husband calls to tell me that he doesn't want to be married anymore. I finally said ok, whatever you want. This married/not married thing has been going on for a couple of years now, so I'm tired of want to figure things out.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

That's sad. I'm so sorry.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Maybe he is cheating on u. This is no way to live. He's emotionally abusive and has isses. Call his bluff tho it sounds like u did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

Whyme?? said:


> Just another part of my day....I left my day job to head to my part time job where I'll be until 7:30 p.m. and my husband calls to tell me that he doesn't want to be married anymore. I finally said ok, whatever you want. This married/not married thing has been going on for a couple of years now, so I'm tired of want to figure things out.


Thats emotional blackmail/abuse! If he doesnt want to be married to you, then what does he wants? Seperation/divorce? If its going on for few years, he is bluffing. I know there are reasons that he said that, but it takes two to tango, So think about the relatiopnship, what happened over the past few years between you. And you may bluff him as well, serve him D papers (i dont advocate it, its just a bluff) lets see what his reaction will be. Because if he really wants a divorce, he can file anytime he wants.No one can stop him for doing it. Thats my opinion. I am with the same predicament as yours. Its just its my wife who wants it.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Whyme?? said:


> Just another part of my day....I left my day job to head to my part time job where I'll be until 7:30 p.m. and my husband calls to tell me that he doesn't want to be married anymore. I finally said ok, whatever you want. This married/not married thing has been going on for a couple of years now, so I'm tired of want to figure things out.


He is telling you what he wants, and I think he has been for awhile, its time to listen.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jamison said:


> Maybe the one doing the accusing is the one doing what they are accusing the other person of?
> 
> I'm not saying for sure that he is, BUT if you're not, then there is no real reason for him saying that to you. Stress doesn't cause other people to accuse them of cheating. You have bigger fish to fry going on here as well, he is also calling you names, yelling, telling you he hates you, and punching holes in the wall.
> 
> My suggestion to you is, ask yourself what are you getting out of this? Its unhealthy, and abusive.


:iagree:


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