# Just really tired. really really tired.



## 2inthemorning (Dec 12, 2016)

2 hours ago it was my 23rd birthday . Wasn’t a bad day, got up took myself out, had some drinks came back home and just sat down. I’ve been really strong for the past 23 years, but I can’t live this life anymore. (Not suicidal thoughts, never do such a thing) but by that I mean this pathetic unfulfilling life. I know I’m 23 and I’m young but life isn’t getting smoother, it’s not even growing branches it’s like climbing a coconut tree. 

Today just made me realize how sad and unhappy I am. I’ve only truly felt happy once in my life. 4 years ago I met this girl, my 1st girl. She was the world to me, everyday just being with her was a dream. There was nothing I couldn’t talk to her about, she was my best friend and the reason for my happiness. I loved her dearly and to this date I still do. She’ll always be that girl that made me happy for 2 years. She broke up with me in 2015, said she wanted different things, I remember seeing her talking to other guys and stuff. Hmmm how did that hurt only god knows. Going to sleep every night for months like a ball. Thank god I made it out of that feeling. 

I lost the world and I wasn’t going to get her back. So I went back to my life of unhappiness. She contacted me often and we would talk, kept messaging but never wanted to reconcile. Even said she missed me but always fell short when we supposed to meet up. And now almost 2 years after I’m still here thinking about her, she still contacts me monthly, and I’m just too much of a fool to end it. There’s no reconciliation here. If there was it would’ve happened already. 

To say the least I’m no longer in an abusive home. I grew up with an alcoholic abusive father from day 1, we were poor and he never cared about us, always ran me and my mom from the house, we’d sleep all over from when I was a child to a teenager. I got older and dealt with the same stuff, things got violent often, always cursing and fighting me and him, for about 5 or 6 years on a weekly basis. That was my life home. 

My mother is my angel. She kept me in school, and even though I didn’t do the greatest I did okay. She’s always been there for me, the childhood years of sickness, the abusive father, the poverty, the broken bones, and the social stigma of growing up. I never had what I wanted, but I always got what I needed. My home wasn’t and still isn’t a loving home, it’s just a place so I never felt a lot of love, guess that’s why I was so close with my ex, first time I had someone you know, made life worth living.

What sucks now is that turning 23 is just a bullet in my heart. I can’t even cry no more, things just never seem on the bright side for me. I’m not even a bad guy, I never did wrong things other than those fights with my father, I always do my best to do well and be good, help people out when I can. 

What’s eating me up inside is being 23, being in a minimum wage job, broke, and that ultimate feeling of hopelessness. I’m so out of shape, so unfit, and just unambitious and lazy. I wasn’t really any of those things, came after my break up and stuck with me. 

Talk to a councilor u say, I have. They tell me the things I already know. I just can’t stop falling down every time I climb out the barrel. And my mom man. She gave me the world, worked so hard for me and it hurts so bad to know that now when it’s my turn to provide and take care for her when she’s not well, I’m a failure. It’s the worst feeling in the world, every day I get up I just want to give up, and I pretty much have. Tears doesn’t even come anymore, I cried so much over the years it’s not even right to cry the way I do. 

I signed up to be a police officer, I actually have my interview in 5 hours, I guess I’m not going to get any sleep tonight. 

Truth be told I don’t know why I’m writing this, I don’t know what I even want from this. I’m just sad, lonely, and have this loser feeling every day. I miss my ex, I miss myself. I feel so sorry for me, I don’t know anyone who’s been through what I have, I haven’t even scratched the surface but I didn’t want to make this into a novel and also I didn’t want to send your electricity bill any higher, see, I care about you guys  .. 

I can’t help but feel this is my life and this is how I’m going to be. When I was 21 I felt the same way, now I’m 23 and nothing’s changed. 

I’m just so tired now, so so tired 


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: Just really tired. really really tired*

I'm sorry to hear your sadness in your post.

That's very exciting about your interview, please let us know how it goes.

What things are you involved in that allow you to meet new people, make friends, or date?

It sounds like that is a big piece you are missing, someone to share your life with, but that is fixable. I don't have any other solutions for you, but if your depression persists you should talk to your doctor.

Also, exercise will help you tremendously in many ways. So make a commitment to yourself that you are going to do that for you.

Hang in there, brighter skies ahead!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I remember feeling that way in my 20's. That is a hard time in your life, so much ahead of you and so much uncertainty. I wish I could go back knowing what I know now. We all say that though. Hang in there, it will get better.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

You have to get to a point in which you are tired of being sick and tired of drifting through life, and do something about it. Write down a list of things you can do to better your life, whether that is working out to look and feel better, or finding hobbies to do. Meet new people, be thankful for the things that you do have. Help your mother more. No more pity party, no more complaining and whining; start taking control of your life.

And for goodness sake, stop talking to your ex! Leave her in the past. Remove her number or block her altogether.


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## pattyreed2011 (Nov 28, 2016)

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## HurtWithHope (Nov 21, 2016)

So... this post kind of spoke to me. My situation is vastly different, but I can relate to a lot of it. First of all, and bear with me because I know this is cliche... but I would give ANYTHING to be 23 again and have my whole 20s to figure out who I am... and I've only just begun my 30s. I understand the pressure of needing to find that person that you can build a lifetime with at a young age... I know it's there. And really, there is nothing wrong with desiring that or even having that. But your 20s is YOUR time. You have an itch to make a change... and in fact, you are actively doing that with your interview for the police force! That's GREAT. That right there could lead to great things. Someone in my life is a cop and though it is definitely difficult and wears on you sometimes... it also can be extremely rewarding, provide comraderie with your coworkers, and the satisfaction of knowing you are doing a job that actively is accomplishing something. You are bettering yourself simply by looking into this. This could also motivate you to exercise and get in shape for the job, or even motivate you to exercise still to try again should the interview go a different way. 

Do you have good friends nearby? Or perhaps friends that you have sort of lost contact with over years? Reconnect with them, make contacting people who care for you a regular thing. Perhaps someone could be your gym buddy to meet up and encourage eachother to workout an x number of days a week. How do you feel about pets? Perhaps adopting from your local shelter could bring you some companionship and someone to be there for you at the end of the day.

My life would be SO different if I had utilized my 20s better. I know it doesn't take away the discouragement you feel right now in life, but you have what I and many others wish they had, youth! Connect with friends, put everything into your passion for the police force (if that is indeed a dream of yours) or whatever else you feel you want to pursue, and I promise that life can get so much better in the next decade.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Suck it up, OP. I know it’s not what you want to hear but it’s what you need to hear. You let no one, and I mean NO ONE, define you. You define yourself. As much as you “loved” your ex, she was just a crutch. If another girl comes along you will make her your new crutch and the destructive cycle will go on.

As the other posters have said 23 is still an age that is filled with promise. I am going to take off the kiddie gloves, man. I wish I could reach through the computer screen and smack some sense into you. Things are not as bad as you think. Don’t wait until you are old to realise what a whiny brat you were being at 23 thinking the world was over. It won’t just get better, you have to make it better. While there is life there is hope. Work your way to where you want to be.

SURVIVE, DAMN IT!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You are stuck in the habit of being miserable. Maybe this is caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain, maybe you have a mental illness, maybe you were conditioned to fear happiness because it was always so short lived. Regardless it is your habit, and habits can be changed, but you need to make the decision to change.

An interview to become a cop, how cool is that? That's a career move, a great positive step, let yourself be excited because this is a big deal. I'm sure people and counselors have all told you about putting yourself out there and developing positive habits so I won't go there, what I will say is make yourself be happy. You need to re teach yourself how to look at life, deal with the bad and move along, but learn to embrace the good and hang on to it, and learn to make good things happen.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I remember how hard it was in my 20s so much uncertainty but in the midst of this you don't realize what a blessing you have. You have the opportunity to become anything you want. What you need are some goals so you feel in control of your own destiny. Do you have a religion? I am Christian and I believe that God has a purpose for your life and even this pain that you're feeling so intensely. You've reached out to strangers and we so much wished we can communicate with our words how precious time is and to give you a hugs if we could. I have several nephews and nieces who are in there 20s and I'm constantly reaching out to them as I'm doing with you that life is so worth it even when there is pain and despair. Love yourself enough to let your old girl go she's keeping you stifled because you're seeing all the things she's not giving you. You have to treat her as if she died to you so you can move forward with your life. Make some friends, there are so many in your shoes and you just need on Budd. I hope I've encourage you to not give up. Much, much love. You make your life what you want it to be, only you can do that! 

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can't just wake up and no longer be depressed. You have to make a CHOICE to do new things. Doing new things is what will help you stop being depressed. Accomplishing things will do it. Take a class in martial arts. Join a club for something you like to do. Nobody's going to do it for you.

My DD26 used to complain when she was in college that she had no friends, met no boys. I asked her what she was doing, where she was going. Nothing, nowhere. So I said what, do you expect people to just to 'hmm, I'll go knock on this random door and see who lives here and maybe we'll become friends'? No. Nothing will happen until YOU decide you've had enough and get off your butt. 

Speaking of which, Wellbutrin really helped me get off the couch and accomplish things, and no side effects. Just a general feeling that I wanted to get up and go do something.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Only you can make you happy. Good luck on your interview!


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

If you're depressed perhaps a job that requires you to carry a gun isn't the best option for you.

At any rate you'll undergo psychological testing to be an officer and if you tell them what you've told us I doubt that's going to be an issue.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You only have one life to live so why waste it being miserable. Yea your right, you are lazy. Stop making excuses for your poor choices and your poor attitude. You are the only one that controls your mind and actions. Go to the doctors, and get on some anti depressants. Things just don't happen, you need to make an effort to change. Wake up early, say some affirmations, journal, eat healthy foods and exercise. Get off the couch, turn off the tv. Get over yourself because you should pretty selfish and self absorbed to me. Honestly, there are a lot of people out there that have t worse than you and they would benefit from your help. Your mother didn't raise you to grow up to be a miserable, lazy, unhappy kid. Show some respect to you and her and do something about it.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

A career move, a great positive step and let yourself be excited because this is a big deal. Good luck on your interview!


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