# What's going to happen? (sorry, its LONG)



## mommydoenz (Aug 2, 2012)

So my husband and I have only been officially married for almost 4 months now. We first started dating over 12 years ago right out of high school. We've had a rocky relationship to say the least, he cheated on me when I was pregnant with our first child, also got the other woman pregnant leaving our daughters less than 5 months apart in age. He moved out within days of that affair being exposed and a year later sort of squeeked himself back into our home. I had always left the door "open" for him and I had no intentions to be with anyone else. Shortly thereafter we got pregnant with daughter #2. We managed through the ups and downs for a couple years after she was born, then in 2009 he proposed to me on my birthday. Completely caught me by surprise and of course I said yes. I knew in my heart that I'd spend my life with him. We started planning this big fairytale wedding, everyone had waited for this for a LONG time (almost 10 years by the time the wedding was scheduled). Then he freaked out. We were engaged in December of 2009, he had a major meltdown in March of 2010 and cancelled the wedding 3 days after sending out invitations in April, moved out by May 1st and we were supposed to be married July 30th of that year.

Here's a little history....he has some major health issues. First it started with Alopecia and Vitiligo which were damaging to the psyche to say the least. Those began shortly after we got together and moved in with one another at a very young age. When we were 19, after 2 years of a relationship, he told me he couldn't trust me and also said that he had cheated (which he had not) and we split up, got pregnant a few months later, moved back in and I miscarried. Around that time he was at a mutual friends house where they all started talking about "sex", remember this is 19 and 20 year olds. They asked about one night stands and someone piped up saying that I'd had a one night stand, which he did not know about. It devastated him. Not only to find out that I had done that at a young age (I haven't been with anyone but him since I was 17 but between 15 and 17 could be labeled as promiscuous--I had 4 partners) but that he was embarassed in front of everyone like he was. From there things changed.

We worked through it, though 2 years afterwards he had the affair claiming that I made him feel this way and he turned to her etc etc...typical cheater justification? Anyway....fast forward almost 7 years later to 2009 when he had a major health crisis, was in and out of hospital, extreme pain and fevers and rashes--turned out to be a form of Arthritis in a major attack. He was unable to work for months and after being home with the kids, I was sort of forced to find employment right away as he was self employed and not entitled to any disability or assistance. I returned to work full time trying to carry the load alone. He eventually went back to work and like I said, proposed and later on broke down and called it off, moved out in 2010 and crashed again after he moved out, physically. He began living like a 21 year old, drinking, going to the bars/clubs, I guess just living the "single" life that he hadn't got a chance to live. I gave him space but again reminded him that he had my heart and the door would be open for him to reconcile our family unit.

He was only out a few months and came back, claimed that he loved me and only me and couldn't stand to be apart and yadda yadda. My parents were so upset about the wedding cancellation (they lost about $5000 in it) and how he could do that, so he blew me away by showing up to their home unexpectedly on Christmas Eve to apologize and make ammends, it was highly appreciated and respected. Christmas was great. 2011 was yet again another struggle, he still focused on my past, calling me all sorts of names, dwelling constantly and he stopped working completely in April of 2011 leaving him LOTS of time to sit and dwell and obsess on things about the past that couldn't be changed. We pushed through the bad and got to 2012. I'd always expressed that I needed a commitment from him, he'd ran twice already and I couldn't just sit and wait for it to happen again and he said then lets get married, we'd tone it down so it wasn't huge, we'd keep it small and intimate. I questioned him on it for a LONG time but he didn't sway and eventually we did go through with it in June of this year.

In May of this year, he had been on my facebook account and looked at my friends list and there it showed the deactivated friends, one of whom was my "one night stand". We had known each other, both were competitive figure skaters and our families all had vacation trailers at the same place and to be honest, when I WAS friends with him, I only accepted the request because I wanted to show off the success I felt I had at that point. There was no contact whatsoever between he and I, though I understand it wasn't right to "add" him and I don't even recall when that happened, it was at least 5 years ago. He was distraught again, which I tried SO hard to be comapssionate to, I listened to him vent and didn't respond with opinions, I vented my deep feelings at point too and we seemed to grow even closer after that. We made a pact to have no sex in June until our wedding night. And since then, the aspect of sex has changed dramatically. 

The week after our wedding the financial concerns began, he hadn't worked in 14 months and we were in trouble. Had to borrow some money to make ends meet because I just couldn't carry the load anymore. I was not over spending of being foolish but we lived a life beyond our means. I had found out that he started smoking cigarettes again and was very hurt that he would spend what little money we had on that while he wasn't contributing to our home. He didn't see that as valid therefore didn't care. He has a very very strong mouth and doesn't hesitate to speak his mind (JUST like his mother--who is a whole other post!!!) and his harsh words have been forever branded in my head. We had a number of times alone where grandparents had offered to take the kids....he would just go to his "man cave" in our garage and I'd be left alone, he didn't want to do anything with me let alone even spend time together. He had no interest in sex and said that he actually didn't feel comfortable with me physically so to just keep my distance. I went to HIS family's function with his mom (it was a fundraiser dinner event) and came home, tried to wake him as he said to when I got home but he didn't want to get up, I went and feel asleep on the couch and he had shut the bedroom door all the way (never does that!) and so I proceeded to go into the spare room to sleep. The next day he went off the handle saying I must have been with someone else because I didn't come into bed with him and asked that I don't touch him for a year. His mom came over and sat with me that day as he texted both her and I with this ridiculous behaviour!

Anyway, we managed to get past that, sort of. Things were not great, still awkward and not physical, he is still distant and makes me feel unwanted, unworthy and just fat and ugly to say the least. (I'm 5'4" and 140 lbs, I'm not "Fat"). I have to reveal that I carry a diagnosis of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder and it's hell, I am irritable, *****y and not myself a lot of the time, I've got an appointment in December to figure it out, currently on antidepressants and I can make life difficult at times as well, so I do take responsibility. We went away with his family a couple weeks ago and it was great, until he got caught smoking by our daughter and blamed me for not "Watching" them. Everything seems to be my fault because of what happened 10 years ago. I'm the reason the relationship is a struggle because I started it off on lies--apparently I was the only one in this relationship!??! Yesterday I expressed that I was feeling emotional and that if he could just give me a little TLC that it would help but not to over react with things becuase his words always turn to torture. He assured me it's all good, he loved me and yadda yadda......and then the day went on. We had lightly touched on arranging care for our kids for this week as they don't have school and he is working. When he returned to work, the arrangement was that it would be around the kids' school schedule so they didn't need any extra daycare etc. He has not done that, he has taken on FAR too much and then when I tell him that it's affecting us, he says I'm never happy, he can't ever do anything to please me--as in working. I don't feel that him working is doing a favor, it's LIFE. I work 40 hrs a week because we need it to survive! He has gone outside our agreements of his work schedule by no choice but his own and yesterday he snapped. Because I said I could talk to a mom about a playdate casually on Monday and hadn't done it, yes I should have done it right away, so for that I understand where I failed. But he packed a bag and left last night and said that he was done with this marriage. He's done with how I treat him and he wants to separate. Now I know his mother is probably very supportive of him in this because she too walked away from her marriage, though 3 years into it--but they were only together 5 years. 

So now what. He was a complete jackass this morning and clearly has anger issues (yelling at people driving in the parking lot at the school, lipping people off whenever he feels it's necessary regardless of consequence). He's seen two psychiatrists and claims they tell him he's normal. I know he doesn't reveal how he treats me, he talks to me like an idiot, condescending and accusatory. He thinks he's the "man of the house" so he needs to take complete control of finances as I'd been doing it before, yet he hasn't had time to do anything about the bills becuase he's working more than he should be both for his health conditions and for our family's schedule. We have one vehicle so it makes things very difficult. I had to sell my car last year when he wasn't working to try and cut down some costs. I have no idea what's going to happen next. Surprisingly I'm quite calm about it, usually I wouldn't be at all. I mean yes, I have cried my eyes out and prayed like mad that this will pass but for the most part I've been managing. Maybe it's because we are married and until he has papers for me, we still have responsibilities to one another therefore, he has to come back eventually. When he gets on this ego pedastal as he has in the past when he left, there's no reasoning with him, he thinks he's right and no one else matters. He puts on a good show for everyone but only I see the truth of him. So are we headed for divorce!? I mean I'm still here, I'm still willing to work together and I am willing to make changes too. I've read a number of books about marriage and I've worked for a psychiatrist for 10 years (worked for her from 2002-2004, then 2005-2007 and then again from 2009 to present) and seen this all too often, people just don't like something about someone and then divorce. I feel like I'm just not worth enough to him. I feel like his heart is somewhere else, not with me. We went out for dinner last weekend, things seemed to be going well again, and he gets on his phone texting hockey stats with his buddy. I didn't say anything but was very offended that he would be on his phone while we were out to dinner together. My parents asked to take the girls Friday night this week and now I have no idea how that's going to pan out for him and I. He won't have a conversation with me, he'll text if he has time but otherwise doesn't want to talk. He's so angry that I didn't follow through on making plans for him when I wasn't aware of his schedule and can't just assume that I can dump the kids on someone else for the day because he didn't plan appropriately. I've done always had to make all the arrangements for him, his mom has said I mother him at times and that I need to let him grow up, so now when I don't do what he expects, he runs! I guess my fears of him leaving me weren't really relieved by marriage  I'm sorry to turn this into a huge vent, it's my first post and there's SO much more to this as well (the family and friends I've alienated in attempts to ease his concerns about the past, the things I've sacrificed for him have gone completely unnoticed. He doesn't like my friends, he doesn't want to be social with me. I'm just feeling so alone and so sad....and at the same time he had been such a good man, made me feel good at points, loves our kids to death and "speaks" well but doesn't DO when it comes to me. He builds things up and then lets me down, gives me hope, then disappoints. 

The salt in the wound came today when we went to drop our kids off at school, ironically, his other daughter, whom he has no legal contact with as he gave her mother all she asked for 7 years ago (custody and guardianship) but still had to pay support for, attends the same school as our kids. She has no idea he is her biological dad, we tried to work towards that in conjuct with her mom and "daddy" and it looked good and then mom changed her mind and said no, she didn't want to reveal it to their daughter and nothing would change. Anyway, he says "good morning" to her this morning at the school yet won't say anything nice to me. I don't know what to do! Just roll with the punches and see if he comes to senses? Or do I just cooperate with his request to separate despite not believing it AT ALL. I believe a marriage is forever and that unless there is fidelity, we owe it to the Lord and each other to work on the problems. For better or worse, til death do us part. Any feedback is appreciated. Again, sorry for the ramble


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## shelly1978 (Nov 30, 2010)

I think he needs alot of help it sounds like he has some issues that he needs to work out. You may need to accept that it may be over but that doesn't mean you need to give up on him. He may come to his senses but he will need help to do it. 
It seems to me you have really really tried and nothing seems to be good enough almost like you are in a no win situation. I know you don't want to let go of the marriage but you deserve so much better but if you believe it is worth fighting for then think of the things you can do to try unfortunately he may need to hit rock bottom one way or another before he will get the help he needs to make this all work.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

mommydoenz said:


> He clearly has anger issues (yelling at people driving in the parking lot at the school, flipping people off whenever he feels it's necessary regardless of consequence). He's seen two psychiatrists and claims they tell him he's normal.


Mommy, you are describing a man whose emotional development seems to have been frozen at a young age. By "young age," I don't mean 17 but, rather, 3 or 4. When a man's emotional development is frozen at that young age, he will rely heavily on the primitive ego defenses that are available to young children. These include projection, denial, magical thinking, and lots of black-white thinking.

I mention this because you are describing what appears to be B-W thinking, wherein the person categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad." And they will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other, in just a few seconds, based solely on a minor infraction. Specifically, you seem to be describing a H who adores you on some occasions (as occurred when he blew you and your folks away on Christmas Eve) and then, in a minute, can flip to devaluing you (even hating to be around you). 

I therefore suggest that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and the kids are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you are waiting for an appointment, you read my brief description of BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar. That post explains why B-W thinking (i.e., all-or-nothing thinking) is usually strongly associated with the irrational jealousy, verbal abuse, and temper trantrums you describe. My post is in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Mommy.

P.S. -- Given that he has already seen two psychiatrists, I assume you know that auto-immune disorders like alopecia and vitiligo are often associated with psychological issues. A recent study (pub. 2007) on psychodermatology concludes, for example, that _"the influence of psychologic factors in the development, evolution, and therapeutic management of alopecia areata is well documented." _See http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1911167/.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Geesh, let him go. There is no pleasing a man like that. And he doesn't appreciate you like he should. He has so many excuses for his bad behaviour and more to come!
He reminds me of my H. Nothing he does wrong is ever his fault. It's always someone else, or some circumstance that makes him behave poorly and rudely. Then he thinks a bunch of flowers will make up for all of it. It's a horrible life.


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