# marraige is over



## lovethehubby (Feb 1, 2011)

I just told my husband that I was attracted (physically and emotionally) to a coworker. This is after he found a text message between me and my coworker that was flirtatiuos in nature. He said he wants a divorce. How do you deal with this? Our relationship has many problems during the entire 7 years.....mainly me not providing any of my husbands needs, lying, discounting his feelings,etc. For some reason I thought we could work together and get through it....I may be THE WORST WIFE in the world. I really do love my husband, he was wonderful. How do I pick up my pieces and mdove forward knowing I have crushed the one person I really wanted to be with for the rest of my life??? I'm not even upset about me.....I hurt him so bad and he did nothing to deserve it. I really hate myself and feel there is something seriuosly wrong with me. I don't know what I expect from th rambling, but it feels good to get it out. Any words of encouragment, or words of reality are appreciated.
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## bill2011 (Feb 5, 2011)

If you want to try a salvage the marriage you will need to admit your mistake and beg for forgiveness. Immediately you should be willing to have no contact with the person and find a new job. Ensure that your phone/email will be an open book to your H.


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## lovethehubby (Feb 1, 2011)

vivianjane66 said:


> I am so sorry to hear that.


I was already an open book...the lying iss what occurred early in the relationship...although I did lie when H asked if I had called coworker to tell him that my husband wrote a letter to our board of directors discussing theincident between us (he never sent the letter). H does not want to check things such as texts or emails. He will never trust me again. It hurts so bad that I have hurt him.
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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lovethehubby said:


> *I just told my husband that I was attracted (physically and emotionally) to a coworker.*
> 
> Our relationship has many problems during the entire 7 years.....mainly *me not providing any of my husbands needs, lying, discounting his feelings*,etc. For some reason I thought we could work together and get through it....I may be THE WORST WIFE in the world.
> I really do love my husband, he was wonderful. *I hurt him so bad and he did nothing to deserve it.* I really hate myself and feel there is something seriuosly wrong with me.


What I am reading here is contradictory. You treated your husband like crap, but you love him. We all make mistakes and hurt our partners, but we don't cheat, lie, and disrespect their feelings and ignore their needs ... then proclaim we love them.

So, honestly, how much of your reaction is motivated by guilt? If I treated someone like this for seven years, but said I loved them, I'd be questioning my definition of "love."

At this point, get into counseling for yourself to find out what's going on inside your own head. Sounds like your husband asking for a divorce could have triggered you to take a hard look at how badly you've treated him. He may divorce you whether you get counseling or not. Right now, it sounds like he has justification to ask for a divorce.

Perhaps when emotions cool down, you could ask him for a separation while you work on your own issues. Things could still work out, but you have to be aware that he may be finished with the marriage.


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## Climbing1980 (Apr 2, 2011)

Let me start by saying I am sorry to hear this. I regretfully did this to my wife 9 years ago and I lost the love of my life as a result. Cheating has many definitions and is always serious, regardless of the degree.
I agree that I find it hard to understand that you can claim to love your husband and be "attracted (physically and emotionally) to a coworker." This does seems contradictory and not fair to your husband. 
Acting on these feelings by flirting certainly is a further indication of your feelings. The fact that you say “flirtatious in nature” instead of “I flirted with…..” sounds like you are still not admitting what happened????? Was this a short exchange of words or many? Did you try to tell your husband when the feelings first started? Where you in denial? Have you been completely honest with yourself and your husband? Are you still in denial about this? Have you provided him with all details of your feelings for your co-worker? I wish I could tell you these things work out. If you have been treating him badly for years and then did this you will have to accept his decision. You need to allow him to ask questions. Without answers and openness, a divorce is most likely inevitable. Lying and cheating is unacceptable in any type of relationship and destroys them. Trust takes years to develop and minutes to lose. 
You have to ask yourself why you treated him badly for so long and did this? You claim to love him but treat him this way? Marriages require two parties committed to each other…..no room for others.
You can try to apologize profusely to your husband, provide full transparency, and seek counseling. Just be honest and realize be ready to accept his answer. Wish you luck.


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## lovethehubby (Feb 1, 2011)

I have not fully explained the details of my feelings for my coworker to my husband yet. We have been separated now for 2 months. I do believe it is over. I can say that i was in denial about any type of feelings for my coworker, but i do know they were not strong....doesn't matter. I have serious relationship issues and i am in counseling to deal with those issues. I hurt more that i hurt him, not that we are getting a divorce. He deserves to be in a relationship that gives him everything he wants, needs, and deserves. I am still young...29..so i have time to deal with myself and if love is in my future, hopefully i will be in a better place to accept it and give it. The pain i feel right now is so unbearable...i don't know how i will get through each day. I cry everytime someone asks me how i am doing. The worst thing is, is that my career revolves around helping other people's relationships, I just don't know how to do it myself. I have a lot to learn....I hope i have enough time. Thank you for everyone's honest and direct responses...i need it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he files there is nothing you can do but respond to his petition.

Sorry to hear your find yourself in this position. It sucks.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

It sounds as if this flirtation with a co-worker was a deal breaker for your husband (along with other things you've admitted that you've lied about, etc.).

It also sounds like it's really not that big of a deal for you that he wants a divorce. While I'm sure you are upset at the end of a relationship that has spanned 7 years, it doesn't appear that you are that upset.

And, if your behavior has not been that of a married woman (and you've admitted it hasn't), then perhaps you don't need to be married at this time of your life.

You're right, your still young - need to make sure you've sowed all those oats before you get into another serious relationship. 

He does deserve a wife that will be true and support him and provide what he needs - maybe that's not you, or not you at this time in your life and that's okay.


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