# Cheating wife...looking for advice



## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

Married 10 years. Got 4 kids including her 12 year old that I adopted as his father wasn’t in the picture.

In short we are divorcing. At first I tried to save the marriage for a few months, nope didn’t do the 180. Wasn’t even aware of it. 

Recently she confessed to an affair. She claims it started recently but I don’t believe that crap. She has no intention of cutting it off or trying to save the marriage.

So now I want a divorce. I’m not interested in being with this woman whom I do not recognize.

Here’s the question. We’re still living together while we sell the house but she still acts like my wife. Hugging, kissing, etc. I want to feel strong and empowered but keep divorce amicable. Advice?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a link to read. This is how you interact with her from now on.


The Healing Heart: The 180

Have you moved to another room in the house? Are you still sleeping the same bed with her?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She is the middle of an affair. She is en-dorphan-ated. Elated, on cloud nine, on the thirteenth floor.

She is also likely manic, presently bullet proof.

Until. 
Until the high wears off,reality penetrates her mantle, resolve, unresolves, dissolves her aura.

Sorry, she sounds mentally vacant.

Some will call her a narcissist.
Some will call her unrepentent.
Some will call her an an entitled princess.

I call her as one under a spell, behind the fate-ball.
She is immature, not really aware.

She is flawed, a classic daughter, you are her father.

She looks right through you, not even seeing her children.

She only sees herself. Herself, in love.

She knows right from wrong, up from down.
She knows the words, but not the meaning.

She is your wife, trapped in another reality.

You must leave her, all must leave her.
To her own devices, to her own reality.
When she hits bottom, when reality impinges on her psyche, it ain't gonna be pretty.

You are her husband, not her personal physician.

This one left before she arrived.
She is lost.

She is disintigrating before your eyes. 

Sorry my friend.
She is not sorry and she is not your friend.




The Red Queen-


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Zero interactions with her unless it is about the kids or divorce settlement talks. 

Do not enable her to use you to meet her needs or assuage her guilt. Stick with the 180.

Have you met with an attorney yet? If not, that should be at the top of the to-do list tomorrow.


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Here is a link to read. This is how you interact with her from now on.
> 
> 
> 
> Have you moved to another room in the house? Are you still sleeping the same bed with her?




Been doing the 180 for a few weeks. She’s trying to act like nothing is wrong most days. Acts like my wife. I’m not reciprocating but not thwarting her advances much. 

I had her move to the spare bedroom but half the time I wake up to her crawling in my bed in the middle of the night. 


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Depends on how nice you want to be. I would just speak to a lawyer, have her served, work on visitation with her and leave but completely emotionally detach from her. Put a lock on your bedroom door.


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Zero interactions with her unless it is about the kids or divorce settlement talks.
> 
> Do not enable her to use you to meet her needs or assuage her guilt. Stick with the 180.
> 
> Have you met with an attorney yet? If not, that should be at the top of the to-do list tomorrow.




Cool, thanks. I just fear she’ll get nasty but I do have an attorney that she currently is not aware of. She says she just wants to file online.


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> She is the middle of an affair. She is en-dorphan-ated. Elated, on cloud nine, on the thirteenth floor.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yeah that’s what if figured. Hard thing for a man to accept. I used to have that effect on her, or thought I did. But oh well. On to stuff I put off for her. 



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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Stick with the plan!

Cancel all joint credit cards. Get all financial papers. 

If you file online make sure you propect yourself.

Might want to use exposure as leverage. 

Take care of yourself. Eat right stay away from booze. Exercise.


Good luck.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Beard said:


> Cool, thanks. I just fear she’ll get nasty but I do have an attorney that she currently is not aware of. She says she just wants to file online.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Have you discussed a settlement?

If she is being favorable, you may not need an attorney. 

And do not let her snuggle/embrace/kiss you. 

"Wife, snuggling/kissing is for people who are in a committed marriage. Since ours is not, there will be no more of it."


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

When she crawls into your bed, what happens?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Beard said:


> Been doing the 180 for a few weeks. She’s trying to act like nothing is wrong most days. Acts like my wife. I’m not reciprocating but not thwarting her advances much.
> 
> I had her move to the spare bedroom but half the time I wake up to her crawling in my bed in the middle of the night.


You need to come up with something to stop this.

For example put a lock on the bedroom door and lock her out.

Have a pat sentence or two to tell her .... "We are divorcing. Do not touch me."

When she talks to you, just walk away.


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> When she crawls into your bed, what happens?




She usually tries to cuddle with me. Once in a while she takes it further than that but it’s not emotional for me. Starting think it’s a bad idea though. 


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Beard said:


> She usually tries to cuddle with me. Once in a while she takes it further than that but it’s not emotional for me. Starting think it’s a bad idea though.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


If she's banging someone else, it's a terrible idea for you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ReturntoZero said:


> *When she crawls into your bed, what happens?*


*There is not a snowballs chance in hell that I'd ever touch that woman ever again, unless, of course, I had an overwhelming fetish for receiving "sloppy seconds!"

Move on along with your legal consultation! *


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Have you discussed a settlement?
> 
> If she is being favorable, you may not need an attorney.
> 
> ...




Actually she is being pretty favorable in our discussions but keeps putting off actually sitting down and doing it. It’s kind of making me nervous. 


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *There is not a snowballs chance in hell that I'd ever touch that woman ever again, unless, of course, I had an overwhelming fetish for receiving "sloppy seconds!"
> 
> Move on along with your legal consultation! *




Yeah, good point. Pretty gross when put that way. 


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

if you really want a rise out of her, just leave the website...match.com open, don't sign up but leave it open for her to notice. Once she thinks you are moving on it will her worry.

Right now she is playing you in her own way.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Beard said:


> Married 10 years. Got 4 kids including her 12 year old that I adopted as his father wasn’t in the picture.
> 
> In short we are divorcing. At first I tried to save the marriage for a few months, nope didn’t do the 180. Wasn’t even aware of it.
> 
> ...


Implement the 180. No more “hugging, kissing, etc.”


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> if you really want a rise out of her, just leave the website...match.com open, don't sign up but leave it open for her to notice. Once she thinks you are moving on it will her worry.
> 
> Right now she is playing you in her own way.



Yeah I see what you’re saying but why would I want to get a rise out of her? I’m done.

She may be trying to play me but not sure what she’s playing me for. I’m not hanging on to anything except looking forward to being single and I’m not giving in on anything major in the divorce. 


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Beard said:


> Been doing the 180 for a few weeks. She’s trying to act like nothing is wrong most days. Acts like my wife. I’m not reciprocating but not thwarting her advances much.
> 
> I had her move to the spare bedroom but half the time I wake up to her crawling in my bed in the middle of the night.


Time for a lock on the door.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Beard said:


> She usually tries to cuddle with me. Once in a while she takes it further than that but it’s not emotional for me. Starting think it’s a bad idea though.


Ewww.


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## Real talk (Apr 13, 2017)

Wait so she's currently boning another man yet you're still letting her hug and kiss you like nothings going on?

You're clearly still interested in being with her. If not the though of hugging, kissing, and cuddling would turn your stomach. You're probably doing the pick me dance.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Advice? Stop letting her talk to you and touch you!!!!!

She's been bouncing someone else and you act like it's all good?

If you're divorcing her then treat her like the enemy she is = she's ruined your whole life/family!

Dude - stop being her doormat!


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Forgetting all else, your personal metal health is primary.
You need to do everything in your power to detach and move on emotionally.
If you are letting her stay (I wouldn't), lock on your door. No interaction.
Tell her to back the F off.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Beard said:


> Actually she is being pretty favorable in our discussions but keeps putting off actually sitting down and doing it. It’s kind of making me nervous.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You should be nervous. They almost always start off favorable as they just want to hurry and run off to a new great life. The longer it goes on the less likely of a favorable settlement. Have your lawyer write up a settlement offer and see if she signs it. Worst she can do is say no.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She's being favorable and nice because she is planning to take you to the cleaners.

Ask for everything in the divorce - plus a LOT more than what you want!

If you don't get PROACTIVE - you'll end up being reactionary.

Take ahold of your future and start doing things to make sure you secure a decent future!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is obvious.
She is oblivious to your feelings.
She is relentless.

It is obvious she wants an 'open' marriage.

Her pink door is open already.
She is working your lock and your xxxx, trying to break down:

Your door.
Your resolve.

She, this small pretty whale, has just surfaced. Broke out in the open for all to see.
Others, it seems, have seen her plenty. Seen her lusty machinations under the murky waters.

Her 'surfacing face' is the tip of the proverbial iceberg. The main body below is pock marked.
From hits from passing ships and oh, so close encounters. 

And this pretty whale, this coquette fish has likely been harpooned by more than one whale-her.

Again, she has come out in the open. Wants an open marriage.
Not telling you that it was opened long before she broke the seas surface.
Broke her, your. marital vows.

Has she asked you this?
Asked for an open marriage?

This is what she is angling for.
She went fishing without you.
She caught one and brought it to your attention. 
On her fishing line, she dangles it before your eyes.

How many did she throw back in? Those slippery small fry, those not worth keeping?

TRQ


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Beard here are some options:

1) Get tested for STDs/HIV

2) Do NOT allow sexual contact or any physical contact with her

3) Have the DNA of the three children tested

4) Investigate the possibility of rescinding the adoption https://www.hg.org/article.asp?id=36875

5) Carry a Voice Activated Recorder at all times to ensure any interactions with her are recorded.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Yes and yes...*



honcho said:


> You should be nervous. They almost always start off favorable as they just want to hurry and run off to a new great life. The longer it goes on the less likely of a favorable settlement. Have your lawyer write up a settlement offer and see if she signs it. Worst she can do is say no.


Yes and yes... dude this is a fact. This is exactly what they do. 

You have GOT to pull the trigger NOW. Not a month from now. And YES you need to get the basics worked out and have her sign it in front of a notary. 

Then file with those guidelines. 

Listen, right now, all she can think about is running off with her OM. But let me tell you what will happen. If OM is married it is 100% sure that when he finds out she is getting divorced, for real, he will dump her. It always happens. 

If her OM is single, he will bang her for a while and then dump her. 

Now, you have to get the divorce done BEFORE any of these possibilities happen. 

Because when she realizes that her OM does not love her and will not be with her... Oh brother, you have never ever seen her freak out like she will when this happens. Once she realizes that it won't be butterflies and rainbows with the OM, and then she realizes that she does not have old reliable PLAN B HUSBAND... OMG. It would actually be funny to watch if it was not your wife. 

You have got to get this done before her mood changes...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Beach123 said:


> *She's being favorable and nice because she is planning to take you to the cleaners.*
> 
> Ask for everything in the divorce - plus a LOT more than what you want!
> 
> ...


Yep.

And she’s using all of the faux intimacy to keep him in line right up until the hammer drops.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Yep. And she’s using all of the faux intimacy to keep him in line right up until the hammer drops.


And, so that she knows where to "aim" the hammer..... because, the "hammer dropper" is going to be her.....

See, adulterers have things in common: ( and, yes, I mean ALL adulterers, with absolutely no exceptions )

1) they are LIARS
2) they are self-interested, to the exclusion of everyone else, including their own children
3) they have no respect for God
4) and, if they have no respect for God, they certainly don't for their spouse

5) not only intimacy is "faux". Kindness, fairness, sensibility, empathy are also "faux". It is "faux you"....I can just hear Ricky Nelson right now.....

"....I'll make a string of pearls out of the dew.....faux you....yes, baby faux you.... (and the horse you rode in on)....."


Matthew 7:12 is referred to as the "golden rule". It is a marvelous and wonderful principle. However, when a divorce is on the horizon, a slight wording change should be used.

"Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you" must become "Do unto others, before they do unto you".

Best wishes from your BTDT brother.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

If divorce is what you really want, the best thing you can do is get it over with as quickly and quietly without letting yourself get screwed. Come up with a settlement that is fair and don't budge. Make sure you get at least 50/50 custody of your children if not more. She may be willing to move quickly while she is in the affair fog. Once the honeymoon period is over with her affair partner, the divorce process will become much more difficult. Time is of the essence.

I'd also recommend getting an attorney to draw up the final documents just to make sure you cover all your legal bases. Not official representation (you don't wan't their firm's name on any of the documents or you might trigger your stbx to get an attorney of her own), just legal consult.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Beard said:


> She usually tries to cuddle with me. Once in a while she takes it further than that but it’s not emotional for me. Starting think it’s a bad idea though.


There is a wide gap between being a jerk (and screwing yourself over during divorce proceedings) and being a nice guy (getting walked on emotionally/physically)

One, if she crawls into bed you can simply ask "are you still with XXX, if so, i dont want you in my bed or touching me with affection" - Reject her, but dont make her vindictive... yet


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

So wait.... This is your second go around? And the WWs as well? And then, you white knighted and adopted her kid from the previous marriage?

And now she finds more skin pole to slide down on and she doesn't want to stop the affair. But she is cool with you guys still playing house?


Then in a half hearted attempt....You move her to the other bed room, and she "magically" gets in bed with you and wants to horizontal hula?

Yup....Talk about pain shopping.... And then you will be surprised with a HUGE alimony payment and child support. Even for the kid that wasn't yours. lol

An actual 180 needs to be realistically looked at here. If you plan on surviving. You cannot trust a ww. They are all LIARS. She is still in hump-a-mania land and you are driving the bus.

She needs to be out. Like yesterday.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

In many states having sex after the discovery of adultery legally constitutes reconciliation. Meaning, the affair cannot be used in court for an at fault divorce and cannot be used in a no fault divorce to gain a more favorable settlement for the betrayed spouse.

Aside from that, this woman is literally using you for sex and cuddles when she cannot physically be with her affair partner. That you let her is just sad.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You're *starting* to think it's a bad idea? There's no way it was ever a good idea. Who knows what diseases you've now been exposed to by having sex with a cheater. 

Her boyfriend's Plan A. You're Plan B -- in case he doesn't work out. Right now you look weak to her and she thinks she can do as she pleases. Why wouldn't she. So lock the door, rebuff all her hugs and kisses and move on.


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

Thanks for the input. I asked and really appreciate it. A few key points in response:

1 - I’m done. No pick me dance. No chance of reconciliation from my perspective.

2 - I don’t care if she’s angling for an open marriage. That’s a non-starter.

3 - Reading this input has me rethinking some things. I agree, no more physical contact. She told me she would stop all physical contact with the OM until we no longer cohabited. I know, I’m asking a liar not to lie. Dumb idea. To be honest I was trying to placate her by letting her think she was placating me. Screwed up game but, yes I’m done with it. 

4 - I’m not DNA testing my kids or backing out of adoption. End of story.

5 - Now the important stuff. Heading to my attorneys office today to get something drawn up and propose it to her. I will report back. I agree, she’s in a fog and in happy land. Time to take advantage. She suggested 50/50 custody and I’m jumping all over it. I’m sure she wants to play with her new life and I’m happy to let her. 

6 - I’m setting up an appointment to get an STD test.

7 - Lastly I have share children with her for a long time. So I’m trying to walk carefully here. Get what I want in the divorce but not make the next 13 years a living hell for me and my kids. It’s a tight rope.


I’ll let you all know how it goes.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Number 5. Don't delay. Take control back.


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> So wait.... This is your second go around? And the WWs as well? And then, you white knighted and adopted her kid from the previous marriage?
> 
> 
> 
> .




This is my first marriage. This is her 3rd. Yes I white knighted and adopted her child. Yes I know...bad f$&@ing decision on my part. Not the adoption, he’s my son and a great kid. Live and learn. 


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Dude, you are getting divorced. You need to get your **** in order if you don't want to get bent over the couch (and not in a nice way). Your wife is currently basking in the glow of another mans spunk inside of her, use this time to get prepared for your life ahead (sorry for the graphics, maybe it will get you to stop putting yourself in there too).

- Open a new bank account 
- Transfer your portion of your joint account into new account
- Re-direct your direct deposit to new account
- Close or freeze any joint credit cards
- Make copies of all important documents (financial and stuff like kid's birth certificates). Store somewhere safe (Not in the house)
- Move any personal items or heirlooms you wish to keep to a safe location
- Get any guns out of the house and store in a safe location

- Get a voice activated recorder (VAR). Have it running whenever you are around your wife. This is not for use in court but in case your wife calls in a false Domestic Violence (DV) to the cops. You can use it to let the responding officers hear what may have happened.

- Use the internet to search your states divorce statutes. Education yourself on the statutes and case law pertaining to divorce. Use that knowledge to develop your goals for the divorce. Goals such as: child custody, marital asset division, sale of home/cars/property, ect. Also use that knowledge to manage your attorney to avoid getting screwed in legal fees.

- Determine your goals, develop a plan to achieve them, then execute the plan.

- Keep a journal of your involvement with your kids. You want to be able to show in court that you are an involved Dad in your kids lives. Get to know their teachers, their doctor, their friends parents, their coach's (I think you see what I mean). 

- Aim for 50/50 parenting time. You will appreciate it later that you got to spend so much time with your kids, especially when they are young. They grow up quick and you don't want to miss it.

- Be careful about filing online. This is where your attorney can help to ensure the right wording is in your agreement. The last thing you want to do is have to go back later and try to change the agreement. Look for things like a parenting schedule, schedule for holidays and summer, right of first refusal, who pays for insurance, college expenses, extracurricular expenses, and stuff like that. The more air tight you can make your agreement up front, the less you have to worry about later.

- Also, try to follow the 180. Your wife as you know it is gone. Keep conversation to stuff about the kids and the divorce. Treat this like a business deal and try to get this deal closed before her "Mr Wonderful" decides to dump her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> In many states having sex after the discovery of adultery legally constitutes reconciliation. Meaning, the affair cannot be used in court for an at fault divorce and cannot be used in a no fault divorce to gain a more favorable settlement for the betrayed spouse.
> 
> Aside from that, this woman is literally using you for sex and cuddles when she cannot physically be with her affair partner. That you let her is just sad.


Exactly the same in the UK.


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