# Three years after filing



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I just want to let people know it gets better. So much better. I was so down sometimes, I went through so much anger, anxiety, hate, sadness, grief and darkness. I ended up going to counseling and realizing I needed to give up on the dream I had of our family but I could come up with new dreams for myself. 
That was an a-ha moment. 
What made it worse was even though I technically wanted the marriage to end, he was horrible to me and abusive and cruel but claimed he wanted to stay married. Long story. 
He ended up sleeping with my matron of honor and they started a relationship and had my daughter involved while claiming I was insane and needed mental help for thinking they were together. 
I went from all most being homeless, living with my mom, getting our house foreclosed on, our van repo-Ed, bankruptcy and divorce to now having my name on two cars, being married to a wonderful man, living in a nice house, credit score is 679 and I have a credit card. And I have a good job making twice as much as I made with my ex. 
Its not like my life is perfect but I feel like a different person. It just takes time. Don't be hard on yourself for being emotional.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

good for you diwali123,

sounds like youre in a much better place now.

im always glad to hear when a woman finally gets enough courage to leave an abusive husband.
i wish so many more would.

keep pushing forward to that better place in store for you.


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## whynotme (May 18, 2010)

Thank you for what you said, I really needed to hear that it gets better. I am coming up on my 4th year out of marriage, 3 years divorced, and life has been really tough. I too have gone through hard financial times. Due to the marriage draining away my natural patience and kindness to others (my ex was also abusive) I had to put up with a lot of unkindness and coldness out here in the world without my natural resources to deal with it. 

I frequently have anger issues and bad temper because I feel like nobody cares about me and the people that do say they care (mainly my family) just have their own agenda for me now that I'm not married anymore - I can be available to move back home and serve their needs. What nobody around me seems to get is that if I've got nothing good inside me then I've got nothing to give anyone else.

I really am hoping for some good things to happen for me because some days it just seems like it would be easier to just check out and not care anymore. So thanks for your post. God knows I need to hear someone say it will get better cause from where I sit it's not very good in the day-to-day. thanks again


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Counseling helps immensely! If you were with an abuser, it's so good to talk to someone who can help you with your anger. I was stuck in mine and it was drowning me. 
My ex wasn't exactly physically abusive. It was more emotional and verbal. Two weeks before our daughter was born he informed me that he didn't think he should have to help with her at all since he was working. Not once did he get up in the night. He would not come home after work and I had to track him down to ask when he was coming home. He was a pot addict and would lie about being stuck in traffic when he was going to other people's houses after work. 
He would get irate if I wanted to go out alone for an hour. He would start fights and if I didn't apologize he wouldn't talk to me for days. We would get in fights and he would block me so I couldn't leave unless I left the baby with him. Make sense? 
I told him next time I would call the police so next time he locked himself in the bathroom and said he would slit his wrists. He had zero compassion or empathy after she was born. I had double ear infections in both ears and he wouldn't take time off work to let me rest. 
At the end he tore our wedding picture and threatened to destroy all my stuff. He was on Prozac and a thyroid medication and wouldn't get his levels checked. When he missed the first play of the Super Bowl because our daughter did something and I was in the next room he ended up throwing a fit and banging his head against the wall. I found out he had stopped taking his Prozac. 
After all this, he still claimed to love me. He would call me a b in front of our daughter and refused to not start fights in front of her. 
He said he wanted to be together but I really don't think he loved me. I don't know why he wanted to have a baby so badly. 
I'm so glad I got away from his craziness. 
I'm
So glad I found someone who is so wonderful to me and my daughter! 
I feel so much better about myself now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Wow, diwali123, you went through such a horrible time with XH! I'm so glad you and your daughter are in a better life now. Thanks for sharing your 'happy ending' with us!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm about to sign on the house I'm buying with my money based on my credit tonight!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

That's awesome! I cannot wait to get to that point. Feels like it is going to be about 4 years or more before that happens. 

Very happy for you!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Well I should have remembered the rule that when you start thinking your relationship is awesome and start telling other people you will get in a fight within a week. So last week was pretty bad but I think we worked it out. It's not like with my ex where we would get in a fight and never resolve it or get over it. At least we both want to work on things!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Diwali--I am glad to see you came out of this ok  Sounds like life is going really well for you.

My exH was emotionally abusive so I can relate to your post a lot. I am still trying to make sense of everything in some ways and while I haven't dated, I am very wary/cautious because I do not want to end up in a relationship like that again. I still came trying to mend the wounds from things that happened but am much better now than I was. I am just a lot more...cautious about everything now.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It's easier as you age because you can see the decisions people have made as an adult. When I was 24 and net my ex we didn't really have true adult lives, still living the college lifestyle. 
The longer we were together and the more adult things became, the worse he was. 
It's difficult but I think I developed a sixth sense for crazy abusive people over time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Suzyque (Apr 6, 2012)

Thank you for what you said, I really needed to hear that it gets better. I am coming up on my 4th year out of marriage, 3 years divorced, and life has been really tough. I too have gone through hard financial times. Due to the marriage draining away my natural patience and kindness to others (my ex was also abusive) I had to put up with a lot of unkindness and coldness out here in the world without my natural resources to deal with it. 

I frequently have anger issues and bad temper because I feel like nobody cares about me and the people that do say they care (mainly my family) just have their own agenda for me now that I'm not married anymore - I can be available to move back home and serve their needs. What nobody around me seems to get is that if I've got nothing good inside me then I've got nothing to give anyone else.

I really am hoping for some good things to happen for me because some days it just seems like it would be easier to just check out and not care anymore. So thanks for your post. God knows I need to hear someone say it will get better cause from where I sit it's not very good in the day-to-day. thanks again[/QUOTE]

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To be honest, I was much more relieved by your reply than the original OP. My reaction to that was "What? In three years you managed all that??"

Like you, I haven't had some world of happiness and magic open up to me as it has to so many posters here. I must be reading the wrong threads! :scratchhead:

I've lost count of the exact amount of time since our separation. I am in a whirlwind of being eaten alive at work and trying to maintain myself on a low income with a lot of debt which the ex won't help pay. I come home from work exhausted and clean up after my two cats who are always throwing up on the rental apartment's rug. They and I have single handedly trashed this place. Thank GOD we didn't have kids. No way could I have managed.

I have serious anger issues and am usually in a bad mood from being overwhelmed constantly. Counseling is not an option financially or time wise. I have several herniated discs that attack me from time to time, aging parents who need care, and myself have aged drastically in the past few years. I am no longer the young attractive woman I was. I have gained weight unlike most posters here who start going to the gym, eating right and become fit after their divorce, I drink way too much and take more painkillers than I need for my back.

I would certainly check out of this misery if I didn't know that it would devastate my elderly parents, and leave my cats homeless.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Suzyque said:


> I would certainly check out of this misery if I didn't know that it would devastate my elderly parents, and leave my cats homeless.


well, make sure you ALWAYS own a cat then, at least until a better reason in your mind comes along.


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## Suzyque (Apr 6, 2012)

:cat:Thanks, 2nd t!me iz best. You got me giggling--and that's not too easy sometimes.

The day I wrote that post was one of the really aggravated days. But...tomorrow is Friday! and I am at least blessed with a job that does not require working on weekends!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Suzyque said:


> :cat:Thanks, 2nd t!me iz best. You got me giggling--and that's not too easy sometimes.


well good.

hopefully things are getting better for you and you dont still feel the same way.


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## Suzyque (Apr 6, 2012)

Thank you for your kind words. Your post came as a pleasant surprise, made me laugh and lifted my mood.

It's amazing what kindness, and kindness of strangers at that, can do for a person.:corkysm60:

I go up and down like a...thing that goes up and down.

I get overwhelmed too easily I know, and foolishly resent that my ex is not here to help me carry in the 25 pound bags of cat litter.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Suzyque said:


> I go up and down like a...thing that goes up and down.


dont know you well enough, so i will leave this alone 

you will be fine, we all have up and downs.
just bring yourself up as much as possible, i do know its hard at times.
all will be good


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## Suzyque (Apr 6, 2012)

hee hee, I don't mean that thing that goes up and down, I don't have one of those and haven't seen any in years. I thought they were an endangered species, possibly extinct.

What an overgrown baby I am, but your post soothed and smoothed and reassured me, and I think I can actually go to sleep instead of staying awake half the night stressing on not being able to sleep, :sleeping: and going to work on 4 hours, gobbling all sources of caffiene within reach.

Thanks again :catfly:


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Suzyque said:


> hee hee, I don't mean that thing that goes up and down, I don't have one of those and haven't seen any in years. I thought they were an endangered species, possibly extinct.
> 
> What an overgrown baby I am, but your post soothed and smoothed and reassured me, and I think I can actually go to sleep instead of staying awake half the night stressing on not being able to sleep, :sleeping: and going to work on 4 hours, gobbling all sources of caffiene within reach.
> 
> Thanks again :catfly:


lol
you will find the 'endangered species' when the time is right 

and youre not a baby for going through hard times, othewise that would make all of us here babies.
and im not a baby!  (i dont think)
and dont think you are either.


i dont sleep much either, but get by on what i can get.

glad youre feeling better.
hope you do sleep well.


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## Suzyque (Apr 6, 2012)

WOW, I woke up before the alarm, no bad dreams!!!

Your posts were so helpful, ..or was it the vodka?

I hope you have a good day!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm sorry you're going through rough times. I wish what I posted didn't make you feel bad. 
If it makes you feel better I hate my job and my h and I have struggled for a year to move closer to his sons so it will be easier to see them more often and go to their sporting events. We're closing next Friday and just found out their mom is planning on moving them further away. So all this work we've done and uprooting my daughter will be for nothing. In addition my daughter kicked a girl in the ribs at after care and then almost slapped another girl in the face. The after care person acted like she was being abused and was very condescending to me about it and acted like I was wrong for moving. 
I've moved from the house with my ex to my mom's, then a house with the two of us, then this house with my husband that we rent and now we're moving again. So four times in four years. 
My daughter is a mess and I know it's hard for her but we had no where to go, had to move in with my mom, had to move to our own place. 
This move is it, I'm never moving again. I told my husband I'm dying in that house. 
It's not that my life is perfect. At times I'm so stressed from the actions of both our stupid exes I just want to scream. I guess I just wanted people to know that it isn't all horrible.
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