# Empty



## kathybud (Feb 25, 2009)

I couldn't think of any way to begin and empty came into my heart and mind. We all have difficulties and challenging times, I read many posts, I don't feel qualified to give much advice but i do say to many of the posts how sorry I am, how much I understand. My heart is empty, my head pounding and my hope, well just enough left towant to try to believe in myself.

I am in a marriage which quite likely was a mistake 27 years ago. I can not blame myself or my husband what I only have is myself. I am trying to trust, trying to be patient and trying to work hrder, give more and be more responsible than ever I was.
Sometimes though when one is quite isolated, when thre aren't friends and there aren't siblings or direct relatives at all in ones life, that what you have seems better than not having anything, but sometimes having a spouce makes you feel even lonlier. 
I found this forum and hope thatI can support others and also hope that sometimes others can cheer me up. 
Simply the person I feel the worst to be around much of the ime, and the person who takes as much as he can from me is my husband. I wish that joining him on sunday morning, being next to this person who others see as so charitable, so kind, sointerested so willing and caring would be this frozen in time existance. But the truith is how some of us act and can convince others based on an hour r two of presence a week, is something that I just don't understand how God allows people like that to get away with such double lives. i have tried over and over to reach out to his minister, never having received a call or enquirery as to how things are. I don't know what else who else to try to involve, but now "I just think about giving up trying. And thats how little he makes me feel, like i"m not even
existing. Thanks for listening.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Welcome to Talk About Marriage, I hope you find some answers here. I can feel your sadness and lonliness through your post, and I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. What is your husband like (other than the 2 hours on Sunday) that makes you feel bad when he's around?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi!

I sense much sadness in your post. When you're ready to share more details, you'll find much comfort and great advice here on the forum. It's a great place for healing to begin.


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

kathybud said:


> I just don't understand how God allows people like that to get away with such double lives.


The "kingdom of heaven" refers to Christ's church, From Matthew 13:
He put another parable before them, saying, "The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a man who sowed good seed in his field, but while his men were sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat and went away. So when the plants came up and bore grain, then the weeds appeared also. And the servants of the master of the house came and said to him, 'Master, did you not sow good seed in your field? How then does it have weeds?' He said to them, 'An enemy has done this.' So the servants said to him, 'Then do you want us to go and gather them?' But he said, 'No, lest in gathering the weeds you root up the wheat along with them. Let both grow together until the harvest, and at harvest time I will tell the reapers, Gather the weeds first and bind them in bundles to be burned, but gather the wheat into my barn.'"


You haven't been specific about the problems, but according to the new testament if your husband is clearly engaging in sinful behavior (i.e. sexual immorality, oppression of the poor, greed, gossipping, idolatry, murder, failure to financially provide for family, etc.) then your husband's pastor and elders are required by the new testament rules to approach your husband and demand that he stop under penalty of church discipline. 
If they are a faithful church they will execute discipline, and eventually excommunicate him, unless or until he corrects the problem. 

From 1 Cor 5:
"But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of *brother* if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. "Purge the evil person from among you."

Unfortunately most churches are not faithful even to the point of utterly rejecting the gospel, which is the good news that Christ died to save sinful people from God's eternal wrath and judgement, wrath that we have all justly earned by sinning against an infinitely holy God.

If your husband is just a bad husband, this is also sinful, but it not a demonstrable public sin of the kind that merits church discipline. Porn/stripper habit, refusing to work/provide, or drug addiction should all merit church discipline. 

Even if he is a sociopath, if his primary concern is his image, perhaps you can force change by threatening to separate/divorce.


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## kathybud (Feb 25, 2009)

I.m not very good at this forum thing, and not sure what is the right place to post. things can get so confusing, can't they. My husband is a very controling and quite manipulative person when in particular we have disagreements, and in so many other areas. He has become over the years more controling, more selfish in many ways and arogant. I am affraid of him in many ways but mostly related to his emotional abuse. i have never had the courage or the since of hope that I could make a good life for myself on my own. I am disabled and also do not have years of education, as well as I am 57 years old. In many ways I am much younger, I have kept very buisy in the outdoors, I hike, kayak, flyfish and do lots of biking and camping. These things over the years have helpd me cope.
When I had my first child, Ihad a severe depression right after-post partum. on the fifth night of my pregnancy my father(adopted) died in my arms the night I had put on a fifty year aniversary of my adopted parents. It was quite heart braking to me as i loved him dearly, he was a great man, but other than he my adopted family was to be following his death, something worse than no familly at all. My two adopted sisters, turned on me and one who was an adict was able to distroy the relationship although cold and distant of my mother and I. She had never wanted to adopt and informed us all of that for years.
Anyway the two sisters were quite odd and quite well, let me say when my mother died, and I had been the one, in love of my father to care for her to the end, I was given executive power and that is when the most horror and final connection to my adopted sisters happened. 
Any way back to the marriage, the post partum depression lasted for two years and residue of it longer. But my husband joied and became dependent upon a Baptist church and this entire connection changed him. I always took the blame and understood the need for him to have something to hold him up, however the "legalistic" ways of bthe church, and some of the individuals including the minister (s) who have come through the church didn't help our relationship. The problem also with having fallen down in your life is that often times strong oppresive type people like my husband tensd to use that, instilling in oneself that any time you have feeling, issues whatever it is not a real feeling but, oh! its cause you have psychological issues. If people like my husband can hold onto that, then that dismisses anything that is real, it also depersonalizes you.

Part of my issue is i still have an 18 year old at home. If I were to say I wanted a divorse which I would like, he would tell e well, our daughter couldn't go to college. 
I would do anything to leave him. He can be so cruel, but no one would believe me, and i have no case as I am the one with the written history. there is power in his having kept a high profile job for years, also having a large influential family and a sister who is a big Texas lawyer. I have nothing, I have social security, i have no family and being housebound quite a bit of the time I don't have a support system. We provide rooms and support two disabled ndividuals in a seperate section of our estate, I help with them and our income is increased because of that. that part of our life is very seperat from our home life, but I know if I didn't help we couldn't do ihe has booked a trip to Fla. for next week, and I don't want to go other than being able to see the ocean and the everglades. I live in the northeast and I want so much for summer to come as that helps me get out nd away so much.
Thank you for trying to help.
i just try to keep going, I avoid him when ever i can,


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

Kathybud,

I am sorry that you are so sad and hurting, but you are not specific enough for anyone to give advice. 

You said that your husband is emotionally abusive because he is dismissive of your feelings because you had post-partum depression thirty-forty years ago. But you didn't give any other reasons. Does he scream at you, make unreasonable demands, hit you, manipulate you.

You mentioned he is very legalistic because of his church. This is not very specific. Is he adamanant about not dancing and playing cards? Does he mistreat your daughter over it? What exactly is happening that causes the problem. 

If you decide to divorce, you are legally entitled to use your community property to hire a legal defense. In addition, your daughter could still go to college, she just might need make changes and secure alternate financing. 

You sound miserable, you are hiding in the house from him? Does he believe he is morally superior and righteous?, or is the church thing more of a ruse?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im sorry for your disability but i think you play the victim. you're not the child anymore. you're an adult capable of being accountable for your life. the only way you can constantly fall pray to his manipulative games is if you are playing as well. you have an alternative motive that keeps you in the game. its just the way it works.


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