# Long story- is he cheating?



## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

Hi all.
I've had a very rough few days and seeking some support or advice from anyone who is willing to offer it. 

So, some background...My husband has had a fairly severe addiction to an online gaming app (clash of clans) since August of last year. It got to the point when he was on it every spare moment he had, even staying up until the early hours of the morning to play. He downloaded a messaging app called Kik at this time in order to discuss tactics with his clan mates- completely open about this. He's never been secretive with his phone so (rightly or wrongly), I do periodically peek at his browser history and messaging. Never found anything untoward apart from porn, which isn't an issue for me. He has openly discussed conversations he's had with a male clan mate over the Kik app.

Around Christmas time, his gaming addiction became too much for me. I have an incredibly stressful job and wanted to spend quality time with him. It made me feel worthless, upset and angry that he wouldn't come off his game to do that. I essentially told him he needed to shape up because I felt he was teaching me to live without out him and I was beginning to feel an emptiness where our relationship had been. Things improved slightly, not much.

Anyway, last week he was talking about this clan mate of his and wasn't happy with him as he felt the man had made a racist comment. He showed me the messages. He'd already decided to leave his clan. While showing me, I spotted a message from a woman. I asked to see and ended up taking the phone from him to look. The messages between them were nothing much, except there was hearts, kisses, pet names. The message history only went back 2 days. Turns out he deleted the rest. When asked why, he said it was accidental. He's not tech savvy really and after some digging on his browser, I worked out he's been talking to her since Christmas. He has never mentioned her and must have been deleting their conversations regularly as I do check, as said. I insisted on keeping the phone because I didn't know what else to do.

This messaging caused me significant pain. I couldn't work out why he was talking to her and why they were exchanging intimacies, especially as it's very out of character for him to talk to anyone in an overly emotional way. He claims she is a 'troubled' person and he wanted to make her feel better, liked having some to talk to and enjoyed the friendship. Despite my upset and anguish, he did ask multiple times if he could have his phone back, if I would let him continue talking too. He was keen to continue the friendship. He says there was nothing sexual and the flirty tone etc was a mistake.

I decided to message her and ask what her thoughts were, explaining how I felt. She was perfectly polite, even offering to leave him alone. I was torn. My husband doesn't have friends outside of work, it seemed he valued this one and wanted to continue talking. I asked her not to flirt or send 'sweet' picture or images to him. She agreed. (This sounds so odd saying it aloud.)

He has his phone back. He is messaging her again. I have looked and all looks innocent for now. But then I guess he could delete any messages he'd rather I didn't see.

But I feel anxious. Butterflies constantly and I think I made a mistake. I don't know what to do. If I ask him to stop, he'll be cross and blame it on me. I feel so worthless.


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## Pixel (Jan 10, 2017)

Hey. I'm sorry your husband made you feel that way. I would nip this in the bud immediately. He should not be contacting this woman at all. Allowing this to continue is like opening Pandoras box. It will spiral. He will get ****y and he will cross lines. Please believe me. I know.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

This is headed towards an EA (emotional affair) if it is not one already. It's unacceptable that your husband was ignoring you during the Holidays while spending time with another woman. The hearts, kisses, and pet names are also unacceptable. Soon she'll be sending nude selfies. Do you have access to your mobile phone bill to see if he's spending a lot of times on phone calls to a particular number?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You are making excuses for your husband's behavior. He's a grown man, and capable of stopping the communication with her. If he wants to game, that's cool...but he should have clear cut boundaries with women on the game. You really can't force someone to want to spend time with you though...you can only adjust how you react. If he is spending way more time gaming than being with you, that might tell you what you need to know about where your marriage is at. Sorry you're hurting.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs counselling and treatment for his addiction.

I would also suggest marriage counselling, too.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Most likely this is already a full blown EA. These online chat situations extremely quickly go to nude pictures, and sexting affairs via chatting and cyber sex over skype type apps. 

He probably met her who knows where online, and he is deleting history for a reason. To hide his affair.
Now that he knows you are aware, they will move to Whasapp, or another one. You are in a bad spot...both with the gambling and chatting.

You gave him the wrong answer. Tell him now that you had a chance to think about it, you definitely want him to end ALL contact with her, AND any other women he is talking to online. ANY. 

Still definitely check your cell records immediately and continue to check his phone, tablet and computer. If this woman is local to you, then you may have problems with hair on them...then it could have gone physical, and all that comes with that (STDs etc). Even if he claims she is not local, that may be a lie.

Hopefully, I'm way off and this is nothing as he claims. IMO, married people should not be texting opposite sex people unless it is briefly about work, with a coworker. Otherwise, it is just a hot mess for you all to fall into. I hope I am wrong and wish you the best.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Red flag: if he has nothing to hide, thinks that it is nothing, that she is just a chat friend, WHY DELETE THE TEXT HISTORY?

It is probably already an EA. Close that down now. Tell him to 

1. cut off contact with her
2. go to counselling for his addiction

Does your H work? Who is the main bread winner? If you are, tell him to shape up or shift out , go get a job and get his life in order. He is taking you for granted big time


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## J0J0 (Feb 16, 2017)

You must stop them! Same story happened to me 4 years ago. When I saw her message I replied back to her on my husband's phone right away (I let my husband see our text messages exchange because I don't hide anything from him) and asked who she is ? She promised me not to contact my husband any more. Later on my husband explained to me that she is his side family friend, nothing was going on between them. I trusted him. They text each other like every major holidays, nothing much, so I didn't stop him. Guess what, they're having EA for long time. I found that out 3 mo. ago. I checked our phone records - they talk on the phone everyday since March of last year. Average length of their conversation is like 60 minutes per call. I always trusted him. He betryed me. When I asked about her, he denied everything. We have 2 kids together, 7th and 9th grade. I don't know if I should D him. I don't know what to do. My advise to you is that he should not be contacting this woman at all. Don't allow it before it's too late.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Who the hell still plays Clash of Clans?


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

If this is just some random stranger that he plays games with online then I see no reason why your husband would not respect your feeling and stop talking to her all together. The fact that he didn't would be cause for concern to me. Usually we try to advoid doing things that hurt the ones we love, not purposely do them. The face that he deleted the message is cause of concern as well, he must have felt like something in there was inappropriate.

Getting some help for his addiction would also not be a bad idea. It's not healthy to have something take over that much time in your life, especially if it's interfering with your marriage.

Sorry you are here, I know what it feels like to be lied to by your spouse, it's not a nice feeling.


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

I can't check his records as phone is pay as you go. I pretended to him that I knew a way to get his chat history and told him I was afraid to in case it's more than what he says. I asked him if there's anything more hurtful than what I've seen. He said she's sent him a pic (clothed), asked him for one (which he didn't send) and there would be an attempted video chat call from her to him and one from him to her (he says both failed to connect). also more kisses, hearts and pet names (sweetheart, princess, bae and boo). 

We both earn the same. We both took 2 days off work this week to try and work things out. During that time he asked me to give up work. He claimed so we could spend more time together but I said if he wanted that, he could stop playing the game. Even if I did, if we then couldn't work things out between us, I'd have no financial security which means I'd be more 'trapped'. I don't think he's manipulative enough for that to be his reason why.

It's just a mess. I feel nauseous all the time. Back at work and constant anxiety. He's at home in the day because he works shifts and is either off or sleeping because he works nights.

I'm afraid to tell him he shouldn't talk to her anymore. I did state multiple times that this was what I wanted and he has chosen to ignore it. Part of me wants to show him this thread to make him see what other people think about his behaviour and that I'm not actually crazy


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## ShatteredStill (Dec 20, 2016)

"She's a troubled person & he wants to make her feel better"!! Ugh!!

This is how so many emotional affairs start. Has he always had a knight in oh so shiny armor character? 

So...she was "troubled" & now HIS WIFE is troubled online talking to strangers about this!! PLEASE!! He's already withdrawn from you. He's already spending more time with her than he is with you. Staying-up half the night playing with her I bet he's snappy & grumpy....or do you support him while he sleeps half the day?

Are you really happy having a husband who spends most of his life in a fantasy world that does NOT include you?


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

This resonates. Yes he is very grumpy, very snappy. He has been that way for a long time though. Not always, probably half the time. 

I did ask him why he felt the need to support her. In my mind it's because I'm such a strong woman, doing this will make him feel more 'manly', rescuing a damsel in distress, something I'm not. He scoffed at that idea.


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## ShatteredStill (Dec 20, 2016)

He needs to STOP this! Every single day that this continues he's getting closer to her & further from you. Think about how people bond. She's troubled...talks about her problems...he listens & shares some of his 'problems'....he's a married man. Guess what some of his problems are...YOU! 

He needs to STOP!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ukf32 said:


> *I'm afraid to tell him he shouldn't talk to her anymore*. I did state multiple times that this was what I wanted and he has chosen to ignore it. Part of me wants to show him this thread to make him see what other people think about his behaviour and that I'm not actually crazy


HUGE HUGE HUGE mistake here. Why are you afraid? What have YOU done wrong? NOTHING.

He is cheating on you. Plain and simple. If he wasn't there'd be no need to delete stuff and hide stuff. Cheating is not just penis in vagina. It's anything you need to hide from your spouse because you KNOW it's wrong. He KNOWS what he's doing is wrong. Yet he does it anyway because he ALSO knows you are afraid to rock the boat.

You are going to have to get out of your comfort zone here and not only rock the boat but overturn it. This should be a DEALBREAKER for you. It must NOT continue, so you need to hand down the ultimate consequence. Tell him that unless this behaviour stops and NEVER reoccurs, you WILL divorce him. Then actually DO go see a lawyer. Find out what you need to do to divorce. 

Unless, of course, you want to continue to live this way. In that case, do not demand anything and also do not follow through on anything.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Book you BOTH need to read (several times preferably)

https://www.amazon.ca/NOT-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

Okay. So I've bitten the bullet. I've asked him to delete kik, especially as he's not spoken to her for 2 days. I've asked if he's deleting their messages as he did say he spoke to her daily, he says he has not. His response to my request: 'well it doesn't matter if I delete it or not does it?' I replied 'exactly, so can we delete it?' Not had a concrete reply yet. Trouble is, he can still communicate with her via his game. There's no way he's going to delete that as he's still addicted to it.

I've told him it's making me ill with thinking of it. Don't know what else to do.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Boo, bae, sweetheart and princess?? 
That is unacceptable. Ask your H how he'd feel if you had a similar relationship with another man? That sort of exchange is inappropriate. They are in a full blown EA. And his BS reason of 'trying to help her' is laughable. That's insulting, even, to think anyone would swallow that one.

I wouldn't be 'asking' him to do anything- I'd be telling him that he'll be shopping for a lawyer if he keeps it up. But that's me. Is this a dealbreaker for you?

You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders. Thank goodness you have the sense to keep your job. Because if you did quit work, he'd be playing his game. He's addicted so if you literally did nothing, he would not make time for you.

Why are you being so nice about this? Does he have a bad temper?


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

I really had to think about this question. I guess it's because I know his mood will be intolerable. We have 3 children and I don't want them to suffer from the mood I know it will put him in. I suppose I'm afraid of the consequences. That makes me sound weak, I know.

I could delete kik and his game quite easily myself. I want him to care, to want to. If he won't, what's the point? If he wants to do this, he'll do it anyway, regardless of what I do to counter it. I love him with all that I am, I don't want to lose him. But at the end of the day, what am I getting in return?


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> Boo, bae, sweetheart and princess??
> That is unacceptable. Ask your H how he'd feel if you had a similar relationship with another man? That sort of exchange is inappropriate. They are in a full blown EA. And his BS reason of 'trying to help her' is laughable. That's insulting, even, to think anyone would swallow that one.
> 
> I wouldn't be 'asking' him to do anything- I'd be telling him that he'll be shopping for a lawyer if he keeps it up. But that's me. Is this a dealbreaker for you?
> ...


He said it was just 'messing about'. I did ask him how he'd feel if I'd done what he has. He says he understands what he's said to her is inappropriate. He knows how I'm feeling. He knows I want him to stop contact. He just keeps saying sorry. Part of me wants to message her again as it's so odd that they've not spoke since Wednesday. But if they were he could have arranged anything to be subversive- like a password to her know it's him and it's okay to talk then deleting the messages. Just speculating. Or maybe they just aren't talking.

I appreciate all the perspectives and support offered so far. One more question: do you think it would be pointless to just delete the messaging app myself? I think I am prepared to face the consequences of that, whatever they may be. But taking control of the situation in this way is taking away his choice and I so wanted him to make the right choice himself. I told him so much about how I feel and the impact it's having and everything I'm saying seems to fall on deaf ears. When we first talked/ argued it out, he said he is 'nothing without' me, I am his 'world'. His behaviour since suggests this was disingenuous but I'm still clinging to the hope I have something to fight for.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

ukf32 said:


> One more question: do you think it would be pointless to just delete the messaging app myself? .


Yes its pointless. He'll just install it again, right? Or find another app to communicate with her. And youre not his mother-dont take on that role.

You need to look at his actions, not his words. He's playing you and you may have to make some hard decisions.


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

I've told him in no uncertain terms he must stop talking to her. He's promised to leave his clan that she's also in and delete the Kik app. I said to him that I wish he actually wanted to stop talking to her which was met with silence. I told him that if he continues talking to her, it will certainly escalate into more than friendship (if not already) and he did agree. 

Now I'm just thinking, if he wants to continue talking to her, he will. So now, I'm tired of giving him the choice. He told me he'd tell her tonight then delete. Now he's saying the morning. I guess now, I have to make my own choice. This hurts.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

He is not cheating in the traditional sense, but his is stealing time away from you for gaming with her and others.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ukf32 said:


> I really had to think about this question. I guess it's because I know his mood will be intolerable. We have 3 children and I don't want them to suffer from the mood I know it will put him in. I suppose I'm afraid of the consequences. That makes me sound weak, I know.
> 
> I could delete kik and his game quite easily myself. I want him to care, to want to. If he won't, what's the point? If he wants to do this, he'll do it anyway, regardless of what I do to counter it. *I love him with all that I am, I don't want to lose him.* But at the end of the day, what am I getting in return?


Herein lies the problem. You are teaching him how to treat you, whatever he does you act nicely about it.
He knows you don't want to lose him and will bend over backwards to do it his way. In my experience (am sure there are many TAMers who will agree) when you begin to act like you are willing to lose them and the marriage and act accordingly then he will listen up and do something about it, till then there are no consequences, why should he change?

I would suggest

1. you get yourself into IC (even for a few sessions) to discover why you let your H walk all over you and why he does not respect you (it will be worth it)
2. go and see a lawyer as to what your rights are- just in case
Do the 180 on him hard
3. Let your WH know in no uncertain terms that his activities are not acceptable and if he doesn't cut all contact with her he can leave. Give him a deadline, ask for access to all his devices so you can see what is going on.If he protests tell him he can always leave and you can make it permanent. Believe me it is no fun being tied to someone who has no respect for your boundaries
4. then get the lawyer to draw up a separation agreement and hand it to him.

Men like your H need to know where the boundaries are and he is walking all over yours, because you are allowing him to


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You're treating this like he's a little kid who doesn't know any better. 

He knows exactly what he is doing. The question is, is he willing to lose what he has because of his childish fancies? THAT is the choice you must present to him and then let him make his own decision. 

Delaying his own cut off from her says a lot. Bear all of it in mind when you make your own decisions. Actions speak more than words.


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

I don't want to play games. I don't feel I am weak or that I let him walk all over me. But I also accept that I could be wrong about that, even if I disagree wholly. 

He hasn't deleted the app. I don't think he will unless I give him the full force of my wrath and the 'threats' of splitting but honestly, I feel that would be pointless. A. Because I don't want to split up without concrete evidence he is having an affair. B. Because if he wants to carry on talking, despite my feelings, what difference would it make to how he actually feels? He may stop talking but that's not his choice. I feel my choice is either suck it up or ship out.

Neither of us can 'leave' though to be honest. We don't have anywhere to go. His family all live a long way away (I did suggest he go to them for a while) and though I know my parents would have me, there's the children to think of. They live in a tiny bungalow and there's no room for us all. 

He's excellent at making me feel like I'm over-reacting though. I do have access to his phone/ tablet and while they have continued to talk, there is literally nothing beyond chat about the game. Plus he's been so attentive and so passionate with me since this all happened which is very hard for me to resist. Actually almost impossible. 

Do you think it's beyond the realms of possibility that he realises the flirting was a mistake and just wants her as a friend and will maintain friendship only? Or am I kidding myself?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

ukf32 said:


> This resonates. Yes he is very grumpy, very snappy. He has been that way for a long time though. Not always, probably half the time.
> 
> I did ask him why he felt the need to support her. In my mind it's because I'm such a strong woman, doing this will make him feel more 'manly', rescuing a damsel in distress, something I'm not. He scoffed at that idea.


Yeah, my husband scoffed as well when I said virtually those same words to him. He was the classic KISA but I was never the damsel in distress that his ego needed to feel superior so he found them elsewhere. 

One day I finally had proof that his EA had escalated to a PA (although he continued to deny it). He convinced me not to divorce him but, as it turned out, never stopped contact with her completely. Decades later, I once again had proof she was back in his life and, despite him again trying hard to convince me to stay, I divorced him. My only regret? I didn't get out when I first caught him. 

Not everyone's story turns out like mine did but it can happen. Be careful.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I wouldn't "threaten" anything you don't fully intend to carry through.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Your marriage is not a life sentence.

You have choices, even if they're difficult.

You can live in a tiny bungalow and be a good parent.

You can look into schooling or training to get a better job

Life is full of options and opportunities.

Don't let fear keep you hostage.

I'm not saying to leave or to stay. I am saying don't use your fear of hardship as an excuse if you believe you should leave.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ukf32 said:


> Do you think it's beyond the realms of possibility that he realises the flirting was a mistake and just wants her as a friend and will maintain friendship only? Or am I kidding myself?


You are most assuredly deluding yourself here. Look at the link I posted earlier to the book NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass. Go out TODAY and get that book. I mean it. You need it BADLY.

You are VERY desperate. You think if you just stick your head in the sand this is going to blow over. You think by saying things like "I don't want you to do that" you're making a stand. But all you're doing is showing him how weak you really are, because there are NEVER any consequences to him for what he does! And he knows there never WILL be!

Every action has an equal and opposite REaction. You aren't DOING anything here. All you're doing is TALKING. Which amounts to NOTHING. If you want a reaction you need to DO something. 

What you really need to do is slap him with D papers, but I know you won't do that. 

As for splitting? You say neither of you can leave? I call bull. There are ALWAYS options. They always involve going out of your comfort zone though. And since you aren't willing to do that, your life will just proceed onward as it is, with nothing changing.


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> You are most assuredly deluding yourself here. Look at the link I posted earlier to the book NOT JUST FRIENDS by Shirley Glass. Go out TODAY and get that book. I mean it. You need it BADLY.
> 
> You are VERY desperate. You think if you just stick your head in the sand this is going to blow over. You think by saying things like "I don't want you to do that" you're making a stand. But all you're doing is showing him how weak you really are, because there are NEVER any consequences to him for what he does! And he knows there never WILL be!
> 
> ...


Harsh! But I need to hear it and I do appreciate the reality check. I'm on a pendulum at the moment. I've spoken to my sister a little today. I didn't want to but I figured that's because I'm trying to protect his reputation with my family. Messed up huh? Believing his lies is easier than accepting the truth 

But I still doubt. I need something more than a few messages and suspicion though. I've read threads advising people how to catch cheaters but as I'm fairly certain it's not a PA, or someone he knows IRL, and it doesn't really fit. I'm monitoring his online activity and he's either hiding incredibly well (considering his level of skill with technology, I'm dubious of that) or they're not talking. That's why I asked what I did. I'm convincing myself I'm over-reacting. 

The idea of splitting up terrifies me, not least because I love him. We've been together since I was 16- 20 years. He has cheated on me once before that I know of (PA many years ago) so I know he's capable of it.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Ugh. Of course he may not be cheating. But get that book. You'll see how incredibly common it is for these relationships to go off the rails

He deleted the posts because he knows they're inappropriate. So now you must accept that you both know they're inappropriate.

Outing his behavior to his family is a means to create a wake up call. If it's nothing, then why would you both be hesitant to disclose it? It's not nothing.

At a minimum you should talk to your family. It's not just the activity - it's the disrespect. You've asked him to stop but he continues. That's disrespect.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@ukf32, 

Maybe this will help. When someone says marriage vows, they say that they will forsake all others. That means that they volunteer to give 100% of their affection, loyalty, and companionship to their spouse ONLY. No one else. That means that his affections ARE YOURS...his loyalty belongs to you...and his companionship is FOR YOU. He is giving away what is YOURS. 

Right now you are getting maybe 25% off his affection, less of his loyalty, and even less of his companionship. The game and the other female player in the game at least some portion of his affection (hearts and kisses, remember?), get a larger piece of his loyalty than you do, and get all of his companionship! 

So BY DEFINITION he is already unfaithful. It's just unclear whether he has or has not had physical sex with this other woman (OW). They already have affection for each other; they already are loyal to each other; and they already have a common interest and spend enjoyable time together! For all we know, they may have sexted on the chat app--otherwise why not just use the game chat? They took it "off game" so if you pull your head out of the sand, you tell me why they would do that if it was all "game mechanics."

So the only small issue here is "did his penis penetrate her vajayjay"? 

The way to handle this is to prepare: 1) pack his things into some luggage or trash bags, and 2) download and fill out divorce papers. Then, go to him face-to-face, tell him you KNOW he has committed adultery and you will not tolerate that in your marriage. Your attitude should be one of "This is what I will and will not accept in my life and in my life partner--and I do not accept infidelity. Are you honoring your promise to me or not? Because I am WORTHY of someone who will honor their promises!" Tell him he has ONE chance to delete the game and the app and honor his marriage vows to you, or he's getting the D-papers which are in your hand, filled out, ready to file. Which does he pick? 

If he waffles AT ALL, hand him those D-papers and send his butt packing! If he tries to blame you, gaslight, deflect, or deny that he's having an affair, hand him those papers and show him the door. If he gets angry and/or violent, call the police, hand him the papers, and show him the back of the cop car. 

On the other hand, if he admits what he did was wrong, that he got out of hand with this OW player, and agrees to delete the game and the app--then VERY TENTATIVELY give him the time to prove to you he can honor his marriage vows TO YOU.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

As always AFFAIRCARE gets to the heart of the matter and calls it how it is.


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## Want2Understand (Feb 21, 2017)

My husband was just caught in a 2 year EA. I agree with absolutely everyone. He's cheating. If he does not cease and desist immediately, then boot his butt out. He has a choice to make. Be strong, be prepared. He needs help with the addiction. If you want to save your marriage, get counseling. Good luck to us all. I feel the pain.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ukf32 said:


> Harsh! But I need to hear it and I do appreciate the reality check. I'm on a pendulum at the moment. I've spoken to my sister a little today. I didn't want to but I figured that's because I'm trying to protect his reputation with my family. Messed up huh? Believing his lies is easier than accepting the truth
> 
> But I still doubt. I need something more than a few messages and suspicion though. I've read threads advising people how to catch cheaters but as I'm fairly certain it's not a PA, or someone he knows IRL, and it doesn't really fit. I'm monitoring his online activity and he's either hiding incredibly well (considering his level of skill with technology, I'm dubious of that) or they're not talking. That's why I asked what I did. I'm convincing myself I'm over-reacting.
> 
> The idea of splitting up terrifies me, not least because I love him. We've been together since I was 16- 20 years. He has cheated on me once before that I know of (PA many years ago) so I know he's capable of it.


Woman, pull your head out of your butt and face this! Why do you NEED more than "a few messages and suspicions"?? You have every ounce of evidence you need in the way that he is completely disregarding your feelings about this, and disrespecting both you and your marriage! The fact that he will not stop talking to her DESPITE KNOWING how you feel about it is your smoking gun. Just because they havent connected genitals doesnt make this NOT infidelity! He is placing her above you, and the vows he made to you. 

Why does the idea of splitting up terrify you? You are married to a man child who values a video game more than you or your children, and who is attached to another woman. What exactly is he bringing to your life besides a paycheck?? Time to tell him in no uncertain terms that if he chooses to keep talking with this woman, then he needs to pack up and get dafuq OUT of your house! And you have to back that up, or it will never work. Better yet, he needs to stop gaming and get professional help, he is addicted and it is having a seriously negative impact on you and your family. 

No man is worth you playing second to another woman. Period.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I wouldn't need proof positive of his infidelity in this case. His behavior and refusal to acknowledge the problem would be enough for me to know I'm not important to him. So i would leave.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ukf32 said:


> The idea of splitting up terrifies me, not least because I love him. We've been together since I was 16- 20 years. He has cheated on me once before that I know of (PA many years ago) so I know he's capable of it.


You LOVE him? What you have isn't love. It's total dependence. You've allowed him to cheat on you REPEATEDLY because you don't value yourself enough to make him stop!!!

I am sorry but this makes me so MAD!!! WHY are you allowing this?? WHY are you allowing your children to grow up with THIS as their example of an adult relationship????

I was also with my first husband from the time I was 16. I finally left him with a 4 month old, a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I walked out the door with nothing but a couple suitcases. Literally. Walked out. I had to go on welfare, but it was the BEST decision I had made in my life up to that point. 

If the idea of splitting up actually does terrify you, then you REALLY need some counseling I am sorry to say. Until you get over that, you don't have a hope of having a happy life. With or without this guy.


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