# Trying to be patient about NO SEX for almost 2 years



## Lil Red IN (Mar 31, 2021)

My husband is in all honesty not a overly sexually driven man. But, we used to do the deed at least once a week. We stopped bc he has some medical issues that drs can’t figure out and he said any physical exertion is horrible for him.....18 months later, he has decided to get in shape. Now to do this he has to be feeling better lately. Regardless, my issue is that he can walk and run on a treadmill for an hour a day and is ok. But, he won’t even attempt to make advancements towards me. When I mention it, he just gets pissy and said fine let’s go do this. Needless to say we don’t.
I know he loves me. And I honestly don’t think any cheating is going on. Just in my own head lately. Is he just not attracted to me anymore? I’ve asked, he says that’s not true. I tell him how insecure this whole situation is making me feel. He apologizes, that’s all. I’m at a loss. Should I feel cheated somehow that he is willing to work out and yet not willing to “work out me”?


----------



## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

@Lil Red have you discussed therapy?


----------



## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

CN2622 said:


> @Lil Red have you discussed therapy?


And what’s your approximate age? Just a range is fine.


----------



## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

@Lil Red IN is it possible he is embarrassed z?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Nobody has any answers for this. A person’s sex drive is a strange thing. So many things affect it. Hormones, psychological issues, stress, age, etc. if a person isn’t wanting sex from anyone, they just aren’t wanting it. 
that being said, your husband would hopefully care about you enough to keep you somewhat sexually satisfied even if it’s just with hands or whatever.

he isn’t interested in sex, and is taking your presence for granted. It’s a good thing for him to be secure in the relationship, bad to take it all for granted and not be willing to nurture it.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I heard if you wait until the 3rd year of no sex it magically turns back on.

Just kidding.

If it’s a deal breaker for you then let him know and try to work out what the problem is with him. If he’s not willing to work on it with you then start a plan to leave.


----------



## Lil Red IN (Mar 31, 2021)

Lil Red IN said:


> My husband is in all honesty not a overly sexually driven man. But, we used to do the deed at least once a week. We stopped bc he has some medical issues that drs can’t figure out and he said any physical exertion is horrible for him.....18 months later, he has decided to get in shape. Now to do this he has to be feeling better lately. Regardless, my issue is that he can walk and run on a treadmill for an hour a day and is ok. But, he won’t even attempt to make advancements towards me. When I mention it, he just gets pissy and said fine let’s go do this. Needless to say we don’t.
> I know he loves me. And I honestly don’t think any cheating is going on. Just in my own head lately. Is he just not attracted to me anymore? I’ve asked, he says that’s not true. I tell him how insecure this whole situation is making me feel. He apologizes, that’s all. I’m at a loss. Should I feel cheated somehow that he is willing to work out and yet not willing to “work out me”?
> 
> 
> ...





CN2622 said:


> And what’s your approximate age? Just a range is fine.


im mid 40’s he’s late 30’s


----------



## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Lil Red IN said:


> im mid 40’s he’s late 30’s


Have you directly asked him what his problem is?


----------



## Lil Red IN (Mar 31, 2021)

CN2622 said:


> And what’s your approximate age? Just a range is fine.


I’m 46 he is 37


----------



## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Lil Red IN said:


> I’m 46 he is 37


Do you still love him? Do you ever have date nights?


----------



## Lil Red IN (Mar 31, 2021)

CN2622 said:


> Have you directly asked him what his problem is?


Yes, multiple times. I’m not great at keeping my feelings in, so he and I have discussed it numerous times. He says he just isn’t physically able to. He is, but it would be very strenuous for him and he doesn’t want to feel like crap afterwards. I have been patient and understanding, as well as supportive. He’s seen multiple doctors to no avail. This past month he said he is feeling better and started walking/running on treadmill for up to an hour at a time. Everyday. 
iknow It sounds childish when I say it aloud, but how can you run for an hour and yet never be able to have sex. I do most all the work in bed as it is. 
we havent even had foreplay in this time period. Nothing. I get kisses and hugs and that’s it. 
started to feel like I live with a roommate and not a spouse.


----------



## Lil Red IN (Mar 31, 2021)

CN2622 said:


> Do you still love him? Do you ever have date nights?


I do love him. Not too often as we have a 4 year old and he never wants to go out on dates anyway.


----------



## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Lil Red IN said:


> I do love him. Not too often as we have a 4 year old and he never wants to go out on dates anyway.


So the lack of intimacy is really the only issue?


----------



## Lil Red IN (Mar 31, 2021)

CN2622 said:


> @Lil Red have you discussed therapy?


We have talke


CN2622 said:


> So the lack of intimacy is really the only issue?


Absolutely


----------



## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

Lil Red IN said:


> We have talke
> 
> Absolutely


I am going through something a little similar and I know it’s tough but it will get better.


----------



## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

How can we help you?


----------



## Lil Red IN (Mar 31, 2021)

[QUOTE="CN2622, post: 20276694, member: 348786
I am going through something a little similar and I know it’s tough but it will get better.
[/QUOTE]


----------



## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

You can also message anyone on here if there is someone you feel can help you. People are very helpful on here and respectful.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

I'm sorry you're going through this. It hurts so much that it just wears you down. Still, don't cheat. You're better than that, and the guilt would probably just be another hit to your self-esteem. 

He needs to know exactly how serious this is for you, that it is a deal breaker. He needs to know that you are prepared to leave if he won't at least try to remedy the situation. And, why wouldn't he want to try if he loves you? He needs to wake up.

Make sure he's not cheating. It may be an emotional affair online or he may be getting his jollies with porn or even cam girls. He's getting something somewhere. These things offer no-effort release with constant variety, airbrushed/siliconed beauty or youth, and no responsibility or need for reciprocity. Abusing these things makes men lazy, selfish, and less attracted to normal women (like his wife). 

It may have started off with him using these things because he was afraid of the exertion from sex with you, and things just got carried away. Still, if this is what's going on, he needs to choose between that stuff and you.

Try to stay calm; try not to shame him, but don't ignore the situation. It won't get better on its own.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I'm sorry about what you're going through. You've shown a heroic level of patience... God bless you.

My first thought is just to echo what @So Married said above. He must be "getting something somewhere" and since porn is so rampant these days- I'd guess this is porn related. If he could give that up- I'm 100% convinced his desire for you would return. He must be somewhat resentful or angry about something though to treat you that way. Some men hold onto their porn at all costs and won't give it up. I've had many arguments here on TAM about it. Many men don't care if the actors are victims of exploitation, abuse, or sex trafficking... they'd rather die than give up their porn. I know there are support groups for men that want to be free of porn- the Catholic Church and some good priests were mine. Personally speaking, I'm so thankful I escaped it... with porn only a couple clicks away this is something all men (and boys) need to deal with. Best wishes.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lil Red IN said:


> Yes, multiple times. I’m not great at keeping my feelings in, so he and I have discussed it numerous times. He says he just isn’t physically able to. He is, but it would be very strenuous for him and he doesn’t want to feel like crap afterwards. I have been patient and understanding, as well as supportive. He’s seen multiple doctors to no avail. This past month he said he is feeling better and started walking/running on treadmill for up to an hour at a time. Everyday.
> iknow It sounds childish when I say it aloud, but how can you run for an hour and yet never be able to have sex. I do most all the work in bed as it is.
> we havent even had foreplay in this time period. Nothing. I get kisses and hugs and that’s it.
> started to feel like I live with a roommate and not a spouse.


For a man..
Sex starts in the mind and literally pressures the loins into action.

Then his penis springs into action.

I believe his mind and penis are not cooperating. 

In the end, it is the penis and that blood flow that is out of whack. Or the nerves that open and close pertinant 'perky' blood vessels.

Umm.
Is he whacking it to porn? 

Can he attain an erection?

He is still young, this should not be the case. At least not normally. 

Certain conditions like diabetes and cardio vascular illnesses can cause ED.

Plus, certain medications can work against getting a strong erection


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

CatholicDad said:


> I'm sorry about what you're going through. You've shown a heroic level of patience... God bless you.
> 
> My first thought is just to echo what @So Married said above. He must be "getting something somewhere" and since porn is so rampant these days- I'd guess this is porn related. If he could give that up- I'm 100% convinced his desire for you would return. He must be somewhat resentful or angry about something though to treat you that way. Some men hold onto their porn at all costs and won't give it up. I've had many arguments here on TAM about it. Many men don't care if the actors are victims of exploitation, abuse, or sex trafficking... they'd rather die than give up their porn. I know there are support groups for men that want to be free of porn- the Catholic Church and some good priests were mine. Personally speaking, I'm so thankful I escaped it... with porn only a couple clicks away this is something all men (and boys) need to deal with. Best wishes.


I have no moral objection to porn but it makes me feel really sad when I see how many marriages are damaged by it. I used to think it was no big deal and it wasn't the only reason my marriage failed but when someone is just using porn and ignoring their spouse's needs, things aren't gonna go well.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Maybe it's time to simplify observations and actions.

Have you recently seen him with a woody in the morning, or anytime?

What happens if you simply reach between his legs and start things physically without talking?

Kind of get to the point, forcing some kind of movement on this topic.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

37 years old and is fine without sex for so long? That is not normal or healthy? If he’s not flapping to porn, then his T levels must be depleted. 

Not to be mean or anything but maybe he’s no longer into it with you. Are you in similar shape as you were when things were better? Not that having sex once a week is much to write home about.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

joannacroc said:


> I have no moral objection to porn but it makes me feel really sad when I see how many marriages are damaged by it. I used to think it was no big deal and it wasn't the only reason my marriage failed but when someone is just using porn and ignoring their spouse's needs, things aren't gonna go well.


I think anyone who cares about women, men, marriage or children- should morally object to porn. It's not just harmless fun. There are many, many victims which not only include the actors being exploited or abused. Many marriages have been destroyed- which means many children's homes broken up. If you read much about the subject- you'll find all kinds of connections between porn and pedophilia/child sex trafficking... frankly the entire industry is disgusting. Pornhub recently removed almost half of its content to try and protect itself from liability because of some high profile articles that highlighted the stories of several victims (underage victims too). It's appalling that Pornhub could profit from the abuse of children- but this is a well documented fact. Sadly, most men will defend porn to their dying breath. I think the powerful and wealthy must be involved simply because it defies reason that the industry seems to avoid prosecution.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lil Red IN said:


> When I mention it, he just gets pissy and said fine let’s go do this. Needless to say we don’t.


As awkward as this sounds, you likely rejected him even if he passively aggressively offered you a mercy f**k.

Odds are if you want this to improve you will need to be the one that initiates and emotionally prepare yourself for him to be unpleasant about it at first. Do what it takes to get through that and then use that as an opportunity to work on making yourself easy to please and an enjoyable experience for him (when possible). 

Some books I have read talk about an unwilling partner and the dynamics of a mercy/pity f**k. Some suggest avoiding it altogether as it allows the person withholding sex to use it as a weapon of humiliation/degradation. However with enough skill if you want you can turn the tables and flip it around. Make him follow through, fake a bunch of orgasms (or have them for real) and then walk away without lifting a finger to return the favor if you want.

Badsanta


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I'm a solver. I'd be tempted to take away any and all excuses. First when he says he isn't physically able he is talking strenous but he may also be having some ED. So one morning see if he has an erection. Many men wake with one. Then if there isn't one there imitate some oral on him to see if he gets one. Then attempt sex with girl on top.

If he can't get an erection, it isn't you. I know us women tend to be self critical and all but a man in the morning receiving oral will get an erection if they can. Be kind and patient if it is ED. If he does get an erection try girl on top. If his reproductive system is healthy he should have an orgasm fairly quickly unless he's been masturbating alot.

If he is unable to ejaculate then it is either an actual physical problem that he may be embarrassed about. Was there any no coming before you two stopped having sex? Or he's spanking to porn so hard and so often that a woman's vagina just doesn't feel the way he's used to.

If he comes tell him you love him and you are willing to do some of the strenuous parts of sex but that you'd like to have sex more often. 

BTW in all of the scenarios above I am not worried about you getting an orgasm. This is exploratory. One you have a better idea of what's wrong you can get a better idea of how to fix it.

If it is a truly physical problem he may be very embarrassed and emasculated. He may not have thought or think that you'd be into him pleasuring you without his penis. Is he a selfish lover or a generous one? Do you to talk about what you like in sex? Are you two adventurous? I know I don't masturbate because I don't find it all that pleasurable without my husband. But he can get me off and it be much better because it is him.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Did you ask him why he doesn't give you oral or use his hand on you perhaps those are less stressful.

But it doesn't add up from what you are saying.


----------



## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

I know a lot of people have mentioned porn. Listen, I watch porn and it has zero affect on my drive, well to be honest probably makes me want it more. I don't get how watching and fapping to porn makes up for actual sex. Yes I have read stories from wives, but I just don't get it.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Al_Bundy said:


> I know a lot of people have mentioned porn. Listen, I watch porn and it has zero affect on my drive, well to be honest probably makes me want it more. I don't get how watching and fapping to porn makes up for actual sex. Yes I have read stories from wives, but I just don't get it.


An analogy might be snacking during the day. Sure you’re still going to eat dinner however you’ll be less excited and interested in the meal. If Mrs. Bundy is in a bad mood or you are- you’re more likely to skip the meal too.

For some guys having porn available is like a big bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups... they snack so much they start skipping meals entirely.

It’s better to come to dinner hungry when Mrs. Bundy has been working over a hot stove.

Snacking can kill an older, sedentary guy’s appetite too. Pretty soon, she’ll quit preparing dinner or start cooking for someone else.

Some will advise that wives should make a big gourmet dinner to discourage hubby’s snacking. I think that’s fruitless because bottom line is you don’t know how much snacking has been going on.

Probably not helpful but I enjoyed writing it at least.


----------



## Cooperdog558 (Apr 1, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> For a man..
> Sex starts in the mind and literally pressures the loins into action.
> 
> Then his penis springs into action.
> ...


My


----------



## Cooperdog558 (Apr 1, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> An analogy might be snacking during the day. Sure you’re still going to eat dinner however you’ll be less excited and interested in the meal. If Mrs. Bundy is in a bad mood or you are- you’re more likely to skip the meal too.
> 
> For some guys having porn available is like a big bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups... they snack so much they start skipping meals entirely.
> 
> ...


That's all very true. I'm new here and trying to figure out my husband's problems with no sex either. Sometimes I think porn is the issue.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> I'm a solver. I'd be tempted to take away any and all excuses. First when he says he isn't physically able he is talking strenous but he may also be having some ED. So one morning see if he has an erection. Many men wake with one. Then if there isn't one there imitate some oral on him to see if he gets one. Then attempt sex with girl on top.
> 
> If he can't get an erection, it isn't you. I know us women tend to be self critical and all but a man in the morning receiving oral will get an erection if they can. Be kind and patient if it is ED. If he does get an erection try girl on top. If his reproductive system is healthy he should have an orgasm fairly quickly unless he's been masturbating alot.
> 
> ...


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lil Red IN said:


> Yes, multiple times. I’m not great at keeping my feelings in, so he and I have discussed it numerous times. He says he just isn’t physically able to. He is, but it would be very strenuous for him and he doesn’t want to feel like crap afterwards. I have been patient and understanding, as well as supportive. He’s seen multiple doctors to no avail. This past month he said he is feeling better and started walking/running on treadmill for up to an hour at a time. Everyday.
> iknow It sounds childish when I say it aloud, but how can you run for an hour and yet never be able to have sex. I do most all the work in bed as it is.
> we havent even had foreplay in this time period. Nothing. I get kisses and hugs and that’s it.
> started to feel like I live with a roommate and not a spouse.


Unless something is directly wrong with his plumbing, he should be able to perform just fine if he can run for an hour every day.

I can't even run for an hour and I can have sex several times a day and I'm 50.

I have been a weight lifter for years though so I have good muscle mass and my T levels are probably pretty healthy.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Unless something is directly wrong with his plumbing, he should be able to perform just fine if he can run for an hour every day.


Yes, sounds BS to me. As others have said, he needs to know this is very serious and that it can have grave consequences if not tackled. You can't live the rest of your life in a sexless marriage. Well, you can , but that'll be your choice to make when you get to the bottom of this (hopefully).
Also, he says he loves you... well, it's a strange way of showing it to you.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

The most concerning thing is that hubby seems to knows you're hurting about this- and still refuses to take any action. So sorry.

Edited to add: I don't agree with the approach that you should just go up and start stimulating hubby like straight out of a porno... I read a lot of posts on TAM about how a man is supposed to command respect- but a wife isn't? I don't see how a wife could do that and keep one shred of her dignity...


----------



## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> An analogy might be snacking during the day. Sure you’re still going to eat dinner however you’ll be less excited and interested in the meal. If Mrs. Bundy is in a bad mood or you are- you’re more likely to skip the meal too.
> 
> For some guys having porn available is like a big bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups... they snack so much they start skipping meals entirely.
> 
> ...


That might not be a bad analogy, because who tends to snack more........people who don't eat very healthy. That could be as simple as a guy gets tired of the same meal every day or something could just plain be wrong with him.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

CatholicDad said:


> The most concerning thing is that hubby seems to knows you're hurting about this- and still refuses to take any action. So sorry.
> 
> Edited to add: I don't agree with the approach that you should just go up and start stimulating hubby like straight out of a porno... I read a lot of posts on TAM about how a man is supposed to command respect- but a wife isn't? I don't see how a wife could do that and keep one shred of her dignity...


You don't see how a W can go up to her H and nuzzle his chest, grab his butt, while starting to rub his penis without her losing all dignity because she does so?

This is a serious question, I'm not making a flippant comment. 

A man that doesn't get that treatment as an initiating move sometimes should ask himself why doesn't he.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You don't see how a W can go up to her H and nuzzle his chest, grab his butt, while starting to rub his penis without her losing all dignity because she does so?
> 
> This is a serious question, I'm not making a flippant comment.
> 
> A man that doesn't get that treatment as an initiating move sometimes should ask himself why doesn't he.


I thought someone above was abdicating she should just jump on her knees and unzip... not very dignified if the guys been so cruel. I mean-it’s been almost 2 years without sex.

I’d think hubby would perceive this as complete desperation on her part.

Desperation is not sexy or dignified. If the marriage is to end at least she can retain her dignity.

You have to admit you’d have packed your bags 1.5 years ago if this was you.

PS- nice dig though. Sadly, my gorgeous wife rarely initiates because I always beat her to the punch. Thought this is what men are supposed to do versus leaving honey alone for two years.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

CatholicDad said:


> I thought someone above was abdicating she should just jump on her knees and unzip... not very dignified if the guys been so cruel. I mean-it’s been almost 2 years without sex.
> 
> I’d think hubby would perceive this as complete desperation on her part.
> 
> ...


Ok that was me. BTW I am a woman. I am happily married.

I advocated jumping him one morning. You see I don't consider it demeaning to try to figure out what my husband may be embarassed to tell me. I wouldn't do it more than once. But I wouldn't assume lack of sex was him being mean when he has told me it is physical.

I'd like to figure out if it is ED or something like that or Porn. Yes we can all give the standard perfect world answer. Ask him. What does he say? I'd divorce him if he didn't have sex. And also the other things.

But in the real world assuming he isn't a grade A asshole to her, there are some people with real problems talking and admitting things when it comes to sex. Some are also in denial about medical conditions like ED. 

She has stated that she's asked and he says its medical and she has stated that she is sure he isn't cheating. So why would it be so bad for her to try asking a different way when they are both married adults?

PS I also wouldn't be on my knees unzipping anything. I said first thing in the morning before they get out of bed. I' be lying on my side with most likely it's more comfortable.

I am completely believe women get the short end of the sex stick and that many husbands who come here whining about sex just don't do it right and that they need to pay more attention to actually pleasing their wives and open to toys. BUT we aren't talking she should do this a bunch we are talking once as a pleasant way to get some real not BS answers.

I bet it would build the relationship better some one sided sex or getting butt hurt because you and your spouse aren't good at communicating?


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

As others have said, something is definitely amiss here, very. I’m surprised you have tolerated it for this long, you shouldn’t. Sex is a foundational pillar of marriage, without it you’re just friendly roommates. And no, a sexless marriage is never really “otherwise great.”

What I haven’t heard asked yet (unless I missed it) is have you gained significant weight or had other physical changes in the last few years, let’s say since your child was born?

You have every right to insist that your husband help you understand the problem and address this issue (it’s core to marriage). If he is unable or unwilling to do so, it may be time to leave.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

CatholicDad said:


> I thought someone above was abdicating she should just jump on her knees and unzip... not very dignified if the guys been so cruel. I mean-it’s been almost 2 years without sex.
> 
> I’d think hubby would perceive this as complete desperation on her part.
> 
> ...


On that comment you're spot on. Desperation isn't sexy, on the flip side blunt direct clear intention can be very hot and sexy, always is when confidently done. And in this case, OP will be able to look back and know she tried everything and to the end, and was very clear, if they split.

And it sounds like a split is coming. 

And some men initiate most, some all, some Ms it's a balance, all are great to be part of from both perspectives.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

I honestly don't know how you could be that patient, OP. This situation is unacceptable. You still have to be careful how you address it though, because many men have very fragile egos, especially when it comes to sexual performance (or lack thereof).



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> blunt direct clear intention can be very hot and sexy, always is when confidently done.


The thing is, this approach doesn't really work when the man is not interested in sex (or not interested in his partner). He already knows she wants sex. He is not giving it to her for a reason. Clearly, it's not the health excuse he claimed, if he runs for an hour every day. 

My guess is cheating in person or online or some sort of resentment. If he resents her, he may reject her outright, which is way worse when you're really putting yourself out there. Ask me how I know. If he does give in, he will just be using her. Neither option is good. She has to find out what the problem is first. 

He needs to know you will leave if he continues ignoring this situation @Lil Red IN


----------

