# he left after a fight



## sep (Nov 13, 2012)

Hi
First sorry for my poor English I haven't written in English for almost a year. And thanks for your patience I wanted to feel better so I wrote a long story.
After a long time looking for someone marriage-minded who is serious about relationship, I met someone 5 months ago. He is a calm man and I think he is a good choice for me as I get angry so fast. 
I was the manager of a ceremony which would be held on wednesday. I never asked him for help but he started getting involved in it to help me. I asked him not to do that but he felt bad and I decided to let him get involved.
4 days ago we had a fight. He was angry because he was tired and I was tired too because of workloads. He said I will leave for next 3 days and stay at my bungalow in a country town. I got angry because I thought he will leave me alone in hard situations in life and I also needed his presence during those hard days, I told him my thoughts and he said yes I will ! So I said then go and don't come back :crying: also I said I have supported you as you haven't earned money in this month and I didn't complain. (I know I hurt his pride but he always claims that I don't do any good for him and I don't know how to remind him those many goods I do for him :frown2: I think he is not grateful :frown2
He didn't go that day and came help my crew (we didn't talk together). after the ceremony I texted him saying thank you and goodnight. he didn't reply. the morning after it (yesterday) I called him asked him to go out and he said just "no". And from yesterday afternoon I noticed his phone is not available, I guess he left for the country town(his phone is not available there) without telling me.
We had some fights before but we passed and we were fine and serious for marriage and he had introduced me to his friends and we had marriage plans.
Now I wonder, will he come back to me? Will he text or call after coming back to the town? What is the best reaction to him if he calls or texts? What to do to prevent him do it again specially after marriage. 
I know I hurt him verbally when I am angry and he always mention it as my bad manner, I started working on my anger management but in fact I don't know the correct reaction when I am angry 
and I want to know if he will be back?:crying:


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Who knows if he will come back.

But if he does, use this as a lesson in managing your attitude better. I don't mean to be mean to you, but words and attitudes can be very hurtful. 

Were it me, I'd get a message to him and share your feelings along with a heartfelt apology.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

sep said:


> he is a good choice for me as I get angry so fast.


I have to tell you that no guy is going to put up with this long, especially if he's not married to you.

If this is customary, you getting angry with him quickly and frequently, then chances are he's had is limit and is on his way out.

While an apology is good, I'd suggest adding to that your intentions of changing your anger problems.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sep said:


> Hi
> First sorry for my poor English I haven't written in English for almost a year. And thanks for your patience I wanted to feel better so I wrote a long story.
> 
> After a long time looking for someone marriage-minded who is serious about relationship, I met someone 5 months ago. He is a calm man and I think he is a good choice for me as I get angry so fast.
> ...


Why do you want to be with a man who mistreats you?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why are you making marriage plans with someone you've only known five months?


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## sep (Nov 13, 2012)

Thanks , yes I know I have to control my anger, I am better now comparing to my past but it takes time to progress in changing a habit and learning a skill, 
Yesterday I was waiting for his call but I didn't get any, I texted him "are you back? I am worried" , and he just replied "yes". And no contact till now. I am going to visit a consultant today, because I really need someone to talk, but I don't know what to ask? How to have him back or how to control my anger? I am in a real pain and I don't know what to do..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Start by learning to control your anger. You cannot make him do anything. You are the only person who you can control and change. So work on yourself. Focus on yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What I the worst that your fight/arguments get? Is there any hitting, braking things, punching the walls?


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## agugxidona (Jun 6, 2015)

I am better now comparing to my past but it takes time to progress in changing a habit and learning a skill


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Postpone the wedding and work on yourself and your anger first. If you and he are meant to be then it will happen. You are rushing into this marriage and if you are fighting at this stage of the romance, the marriage does not have much chance of succeeding to be honest!


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## sep (Nov 13, 2012)

No we just argue every some time , no hitting or braking or sth,I get angry and after a short time I am Ok, but he has the habit to give me cold shoulder,
We had decided to get engaged on September or maybe October.It will be a 9 months dating which I think isn't short to know someone 
You mean normal couples don't argue? Or they don't give cold shoulder? What is normal for a healthy relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

sep said:


> No we just argue every some time , no hitting or braking or sth,I get angry and after a short time I am Ok, but he has the habit to give me cold shoulder,
> We had decided to get engaged on September or maybe October.It will be a 9 months dating which I think isn't short to know someone
> You mean normal couples don't argue? Or they don't give cold shoulder? What is normal for a healthy relationship?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



My wife & I have NEVER fought..... or argued, for that matter in 34 years. We have disagreed on things, but I flat out refuse to argue. It solves absolutely NOTHING.
I am naturally, a happy person. 
I gave my wife the "cold shoulder" for almost a year, pretty much ignoring her totally. I knew all along what I was doing.
I realized I couldn't live the rest of my life like that.(with a little persuasion from my daughters) So I changed myself, virtually overnight. So far, it's been a wonderful experience.

I'm 56 years old. My dad passed away last October. In my 56 years, I don't EVER remember seeing my dad get angry with ANYONE, maybe a little upset or disappointed, but never really angry. And the more I think about it, the more I see myself emulating him. I just don't get mad, I can't do it.

This is something you might try. Don't cower in the corner, so to speak. But, at the beginning of what may become an argument, in a quiet, soft, loving tone, say something to the effect "we sort of need to visit about this like adults". And do it with a smile on your face. You'd be surprised at how many "arguments" you can win with a smile.:wink2:


:grin2:I just made myself happier writing this.:smile2:


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## sep (Nov 13, 2012)

Thank you for your kind solution,
I really don't know many relationship skills, because of observing how my parents treat each other. My mother usually talks in a harsh voice, loud and angrily, although she says she doesn't mean it , and my father gets aggressive so fast, I really don't know what is the best attitude in different conditions, I started to study and search the net I hope I get better, but for now I just want him to come back. I don't want to lose him and I am afraid we become distant  We have never been in silent this long
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sep said:


> Thank you for your kind solution,
> I really don't know many relationship skills, because of observing how my parents treat each other. My mother usually talks in a harsh voice, loud and angrily, although she says she doesn't mean it , and my father gets aggressive so fast, I really don't know what is the best attitude in different conditions, I started to study and search the net I hope I get better, but for now I just want him to come back. I don't want to lose him and I am afraid we become distant  We have never been in silent this long
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sep, I would let him go. If you don't, what is to prevent him from doing this every time you two have conflict? And believe me, in marriage you are going to have conflict.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Here is some advice from Gottman's on resolving conflict:


_To resolve conflict:

*Soften your start up approach* (women are usually responsible for harsh start-up but husband can make sure she is feeling known, respected, and loved and that he accepts her influence and her stance will soften)
Learn to make and receive repair attempts
Soothe yourself and each other when emotions get high
Compromise
Be tolerant of each other's faults
Build "we-ness", make sure your partner comes before anyone else
Work as a team on financial issues

Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts. Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions thatn those who lower their expectations._


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## sep (Nov 13, 2012)

Jld, Nothing really, I want to know how to react to prevent him do it later in life, 
Besides I don't want to lose him, he has many good features , and I know I cannot find anyone ideal, that is why I am looking for the best solution, if he come back
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sep said:


> Jld, Nothing really, I want to know how to react to prevent him do it later in life,
> Besides I don't want to lose him, he has many good features , and I know I cannot find anyone ideal, that is why I am looking for the best solution, if he come back
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For sure, no one is perfect. But his conflict avoidance sounds like a serious concern.
@Anon Pink: Could you tell sep what it has been like living with a conflict-avoiding spouse for nearly 30 years?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

sep said:


> Jld, Nothing really, I want to know how to react to prevent him do it later in life,
> Besides I don't want to lose him, he has many good features , and I know I cannot find anyone ideal, that is why I am looking for the best solution, if he come back
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have an anger control problem and you need to deal with it...period. 

Until you do you do not need to be married. He's ignoring you and avoiding you because you are a bully. 

Until you deal with your issues, you are not ready to be a wife to any man.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

jld said:


> Sep, I would let him go. If you don't, what is to prevent him from doing this every time you two have conflict? And believe me, in marriage you are going to have conflict.




"Conflicts"/disagreements ARE normal. But, as adults, things CAN and should be talked about. Not fought or yelled about like schoolyard children.

The incident Sep is talking about is a prime example. She could start now by asking (not demanding) him to have an intelligent, adult type conversation with her. Explain to him, she doesn't want to have an argument or fight with him, but just "visit' about some things that may be bothering her.
If it looks like it may be escalating to a shouting match, be willing to walk off. As soon as one person raises their voice, no one gets heard. All that winds up happening is, the other one trying to out do the other. Then it's back to square one.


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## sep (Nov 13, 2012)

He had never done that, he used to give me cold shoulders but never had gone anywhere for a long time without telling me , Maybe he isn't a conflict avoider and did it for the first time , but I dont know how to prevent it becomes a habit. If I show my sadness he will come to know it is hurting me and will do it in next fights, and if I dont show reaction he may think it is Ok to me and will do it again,
What to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sep said:


> He had never done that, he used to give me cold shoulders but never had gone anywhere for a long time without telling me , Maybe he isn't a conflict avoider and did it for the first time , but I dont know how to prevent it becomes a habit. If I show my sadness he will come to know it is hurting me and will do it in next fights, and if I dont show reaction he may think it is Ok to me and will do it again,
> What to do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let him go. Unless you want to be the leader of the relationship, always having to be careful with his feelings, wondering if he will leave you.

Sep, there are mature men out there. Mature men do not lose it when their wife gets angry. They try to understand why she got angry, and talk it out with her.

This is only going to get worse. Honestly, I would walk away and not look back. He could come crawling to me if he wanted.


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## sep (Nov 13, 2012)

Flyer,I cannot ask give come to talk, I have tried it before in a previous argument and it helped, but I don't think it helps again as he refused coming out with me some days ago I wrote in my first post
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

flyer said:


> "Conflicts"/disagreements ARE normal. But, as adults, things CAN and should be talked about. Not fought or yelled about like schoolyard children.
> 
> The incident Sep is talking about is a prime example. She could start now by asking (not demanding) him to have an intelligent, adult type conversation with her. Explain to him, she doesn't want to have an argument or fight with him, but just "visit' about some things that may be bothering her.
> If it looks like it may be escalating to a shouting match, be willing to walk off. As soon as one person raises their voice, no one gets heard. All that winds up happening is, the other one trying to out do the other. Then it's back to square one.


My husband says that when I get angry, there is a good reason for it. He looks for that reason.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sep said:


> Flyer,I cannot ask give come to talk, I have tried it before in a previous argument and it helped, but I don't think it helps again as he refused coming out with me some days ago I wrote in my first post
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is showing you his character, sweetheart. Believe him.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."


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## sep (Nov 13, 2012)

Ok I will not contact him until he makes a contact and he may not make any, but it is too hard for me to bear it, I am having really bad days 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sep said:


> Ok I will not contact him until he makes a contact and he may not make any, but it is too hard for me to bear it, I am having really bad days
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know. But in the long run, it is much better to be single than with the wrong man.

And often when you stop trying to find someone, they find you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The two of you are not compatible. He's a normal guy who doesn't like fighting and arguing. You like to fight and live large. He's not a bad guy. You are not a bad woman. You are just not made for each other. 

Suck it up to experience and move on. He will find himself a gentle quiet woman who doesn't expect much from her man. You will find a successful, hardworking, mean-ass guy who will stand toe to toe with you and fight, and scream and piss with you to your heart's content.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think you are a stronger person than he is, sep. That will frustrate you in the long run. 

He needs a woman weaker than he is, and you need a man stronger than you are. Or else you will end up carrying the guy, and that will be a drag.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

sep said:


> Flyer,I cannot ask give come to talk, I have tried it before in a previous argument and it helped, but I don't think it helps again as he refused coming out with me some days ago I wrote in my first post
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Sounds like you've done your part.

The good thing is, you're not married to him. You can't change him.

You do know though, that you need to focus on your self "change".
If he's interested, he will too. He may have good qualities that you like, but those bad ones could literally kill you. As has been said so many times, "it take a lot of atta boys to cover just one oh sh!t".


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sep, you can't hurl insults at the person you love, no matter what example your screwed up parents set for you. It's okay to get furious, it's okay to yell and scream, but it's not okay to insult.

This is okay...
"I didn't feel supported by you! I expected you to help me by.... And you didn't! I felt abandoned and discarded!"

This is not okay...
"You didn't support me, you didn't even bring in an income! I made the money and you didn't do anything!"

While the second set may be true, you are doing nothing but belittling and castigating him. You stick to things that begin with "I feel" or "I felt" anything that begins with "You.... Strike it!


You're a hot head. That's not going to change over night. Conversely, this guy is a conflict avoider. A hot head and an avoider will never make a good match because they will never solve problem in ways the encourage a bond or trust. Instead they solve problems by rug sweeping or bullying. You can change but you won't be able to change enough to make a relationship work with this guy. It's nearly impossible to get an avoider to stop avoiding and confront problems.

There are other men out there who won't be avoidant, but not many men want to hang out with an insulting hot head. So channel your instinct to speak up into something more productive because that is the kind of woman that will attract good men.


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## sep (Nov 13, 2012)

Saying the truth , I had never heard about conflict avoiding character before. I am studying about it now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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