# Selfish and sneaky...



## snowflake2712 (Dec 17, 2015)

This might be more of a vent than anything...

Facts:
Been married 11 years.
Have 3 children together ages 6-10
There is a 8 year difference between my Husband and me (I'm younger)
We're kind of a boring couple. Focus on kids and not each other.
I contribute equal amounts of $$ to the household as my Husband

Issues: 
Last year my Husband was laid off (9 months), and thought it was a good idea to take a distribution from the retirement $$ and spend $20,000 on a selfish business adventure (that was SURE to fail) without my knowledge. While I supported the family. Basically he knew I wouldn't approve so didn't tell me, until I saw the money being deposited and taken out the same day on our bank statement. I was very upset, and felt betrayed and contemplated separation over this. He assured me he knew it was a bonehead move, made out of desperation to 'make something of himself'. He's 48 and he's spent most of our retirement money throughout the years. I tried really hard to let it go, marriages have ups and downs and we'd work it out. Things were starting to look better, until last week.

He's currently at a contracted job since only August (not even permanent yet), and we had to buy a new car. I wanted a nice stable decent car which we could definitely afford. He bought an Acura because that's what HE liked. It's been exactly a year since he took the distribution of 20K and he did it again. He spent $3,500 without talking to me about anything. We have bills and debt and he just didn't consider me at all, why bother telling his wife? When he apologizes, there's always a BUT... behind it. "But, you're an emotional thinker, and I'm logical" (Code for... I knew you'd say no), "But, I don't see what the big deal it". But..."You're over exaggerating the situation!". But... "You don't understand" 

What are the consequences. Do I just say I need space, you need to leave for awhile? Marriage counseling? The $3,500 was spent on sporting tickets... if that changes anything. Completely frivolous and not a necessity. He was pissed when I asked him about it and tried to switch the blame on me for NOT asking him if he was buying tickets --- why would I ask him? I had no knowledge of him wanting tickets. ??? WTF ??? Had he approached me, we could have compromised... I would have said maybe 3-5 games. We're 1.5 hours from the stadium and it's a huge time/financial commitment. 

He's great with our kids and that's the main reason we're still together. But right now I can't stand the sight of him =( Makes things super stressful and I'm feeling done, but am afraid for the changes not just for me, but my children as well. He's ruined Christmas for me, and my parents are taking us on vacation in February and I don't want him to go... Feeling alone because I don't want to admit to any family members that I'm married to such a selfish jerk. =( 

Help!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow. What d!ck moves, all of them. I would be livid, and filing for divorce due to the disrespect and utter disregard for your situation and your partnership. Does he have family nearby he can stay with for a bit? if he does, I would tell him you want him to go stay there for a while, so you can have some space to work through some of your anger and get your head cleared. At the very LEAST. Who knows, maybe having such a consequence would shock him into pulling his head out of his ass.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow. What d!ck moves, all of them. I would be livid, and filing for divorce due to the disrespect and utter disregard for your situation and your partnership. Does he have family nearby he can stay with for a bit? if he does, I would tell him you want him to go stay there for a while, so you can have some space to work through some of your anger and get your head cleared. At the very LEAST. Who knows, maybe having such a consequence would shock him into pulling his head out of his ass.


I agree. He must be one heck of a Dad for you to put up with this selfishness. Purchases like this without a discussion. Please. You need to put the fear of God into this man but only if you mean it.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I understand you want to stay married to him because of the kids, but are they affected in any way knowing that you guys aren't getting along? Marriage counseling will be a good idea, even family counseling at some point so your kids can get their feelings out as well. It is super annoying working so hard and then having your spouse overspend on unnecessary items. If I were you, I would get a personal checking out for bills and don't give him access to that account. If he gets bent out of shape about it, tell him that it's because you are tired of being in debt and not being included in the finances and that YOU are making sure the bills get paid. Have his contracting job give him the fun money, and when he runs out, he runs out. Try to see if you can protect the retiremement account as well.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

intheory said:


> Sorry, snowflake. This is an awful situation to be in.
> 
> This proves what I have always known. Men like to shop and spend money recklessly, every bit as much as women do. And women can be as financially sensible and conservative as any man.
> 
> ...


Yeah I agree with you. Both me and my spouse can overspend but when it comes to saving I am much better at it honestly. Lol.


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## snowflake2712 (Dec 17, 2015)

The kids aren't involved (other than reaping the benefits of going to the sporting events at times). The money is an issue, but more so it's that he doesn't respect me enough to talk through decisions which involve such a large amount of OUR money. We agreed to communicate anything over $150. He will if he thinks I'll agree... but otherwise he sneaks behind my back. He has a superiority complex, he believes so whole heartedly that his opinion is the only one that matters, everyone else that doesn't see his point of view is 'ridiculous' or 'stupid'. We'll try marriage counseling and see how that goes. I want my family to stay together and I do want to work on my marriage... it just infuriates me when he becomes sneaky and does things behind my back. He puts himself and his wants before the families and my priorities are different than his. This is the sticking point =( My initial thought was to kick him out for awhile for him to gain perspective. Maybe not having full access to the kids and family that he keeps stealing from would remind him of what is important. I've contacted a lawyer and will meet just to be sure I'm within my rights to kick him out of the house for a few days. (If not, I can take the kids to my Mom's for a few days and leave him, just makes me ponder if it's best to move the kids and involve them in this way). He sees me as weak and I'm anything but. I can admit I'm not perfect, and I put the kids before our marriage and right now. He committed to spend the money without actually paying it yet, so while I do the bills... this is something I couldn't control. Looking into counseling now. Merry Christmas!


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

To me, what he did was theft. My XWW did the same and cashed out and spent nearly her entire retirement account behind my back. I only found out about it during the D when she had to show me her assets and we settled it by each of us keeping nearly all of our own accounts, so it only really ended up hurting her. If I were in your situation and wanted to stay married I'd consider two main options. Either accept that he is this way and that your financial agreements aren't going to be upheld or decide to do your budgeting individually so you have all the control over your individual money. That means you pull his name off of your accounts. You split bills whatever way you two decide on and leave it to him to make his own bone headed decisions. If you end up staying together long term it will hurt you if you were counting on his retirement savings to supplement yours. I wish there was a good answer but it seems that people that are bad with money have a really hard time changing their ways.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

snowflake2712 said:


> This might be more of a vent than anything...
> 
> Facts:
> Been married 11 years.
> ...


I'd certainly be considering separating. Your H has an issue with boundaries regarding money. Have you ever had a discussion with him, saying that purchases over $100 require both of you to sign off / agree? I think that's a necessity.

If you're going to stay together, you are going to need a lot of counseling. He's going to need a ton of it, and he's going to have to make some tremendous changes.

You're coming across as the logical one, not him. He does things on impulse; that's emotive, not reasoned. Personally, without knowing all of your specifics, it's hard to know what I'd do, but taking $20,000 and blowing it, I'd probably divorce in a heartbeat. Financial infidelity is probably higher on my sh!t list than physical infidelity. But that's the kind of person I am.

ETA: You need to lay down the law with your H. No more spending money without permission. Anything over $100 requires you both agree. And he gets to sell the tickets. He does not get to enjoy the fruit of his theft / infidelity. And he should spend some time shoveling snow until he makes up the money you lost on the sale of said tickets.


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