# Lost



## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

How do you move on? I have had a terrible 2012. My father is slowly losing his fight with cancer, my wife and I tried to have a baby for 8 years, only to have a miscarriage, on my father's birthday, and now after 13 years of being together my wife wants out. 

I had noticed that she was acting weird for the past couple of weeks. i had asked what was wrong, and she said nothing. So I gave her space. I figured it was because her best friend is pregnant and they work together, so that it might be bothering her a little, but I have learned from the past not to push, or she would get angry. So I let it go. Then one night I noticed that when she took a shower, she came out wrapped in a towel, grabbed her clothes and went in the bathroom to change. This was unusual, so last Monday night I asked her what was wrong. She said that she is not happy with herself, and that over the years she has changed for the worse due to me. She said that she wants to be happy and she can not find this happiness with me in her life. In 13 years together, we have never broken up, or even talked about it. I have begged and pleaded for her to fight for this, and not throw the past away, but she said that deep inside, she knows it is over. 

Then late last week, she said that we could try to work some things out, she told me some of the things I do that really wear on her, like complain about her family, sometimes my humor is a little to blue for her, and look into anger management. Now my anger issue is not violent, and usually not aimed at her, I just have a short fuse, and lose my cool to fast for stupid things. I told her I would get to work right away fixing these problems. This week I went over to the house, and I had a game plan. I had talked to HR at work, and there were programs that would help me, that were covered by our insurance. I told her everything I planned on doing, and then she said that she was sorry, but that there is no intimate connection. This is the one thing I can not fix. I can't fix how she feels for me. I continue to try and fight for this love, but today, she sent me a text to just let her go, she can not do this anymore. Tonight we are to go over bill and finances, but this seems to be happening way to fast. I just don't know what to do. What is the first step in healing, when the pain is just so real. She is the only woman I have ever told I loved, and I told her that 6 months before we even started dating. I just knew she was the one. Now she tells me she doesn't have feelings for me, and I am to just let go. How do you let go? I can't eat, can't sleep, at work, I can't focus. I am a mess, and she will not listen to reason. Even her parents are on my side, but she put up this wall, that I can not get throught. Is there anything I can do?


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

Lost, sorry you are going through this.

Not to make things worse, but I hope you've thought about the possibility of her having an affair. It's about 9/10 in these cases.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

13 years seems to be a magic number when wives get bored. Mine did the same thing to me. Though in my case there was another man in the picture.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

She swears that there is no one else. I have asked her numerous times. Also this weekend she agreed to do MC, and our first session is tonight. I am not sure if she is really committed to making this work, or just going through the motions, so that people will not be upset with her behavior. Wish me luck.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Oh they will always swear there isn't another person. There may not be, but a important point you will pick up in these forums is to only trust her actions. Not what she says.

Hopefully things will go good at MC. Either way you should be able to find out if she is serious or not or just going through the motions simply by the way she acts. Just pay close attention to what she says and especially her body language. Trust your instincts here. They don't lie. Usually its your mind that lies, when you know something in your heart or just feel it, but your mind comes and tries to rationalize it because it is hurtful to you.


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

I'm going thru the same with my wife.

Best advice is to start to 180 and start living your day to day life as if she will no longer be in your life.
I've been doing the 180 and at the shipyard I still manage to lose focus and catch myself on fire with a torch!!
But it does get better as the days progress, my 2012 year has been hell too, you're not alone on that.

My wife also has put up a wall and I was told once the emotionally check out in their head it is basically a done deal... It was a lot to take in and I surely didn't want to hear it, but the sooner I was able to accept it may be the case the sooner I could clear my head and begin to try to move on with or without my wife


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

I found MC very beneficial, and it went along with what I have been telling my wife for a couple weeks. We can not dwell on the past, only the present. She participated and voiced her issues, but that damn wall is still there. I will give it a few sessions, since work is paying for them, but I am also preparing for the end. It seems like when she looks at me she sees a stranger, and that feeling sucks. She might have checked out, but I will get the most out of this Mc as I can.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

I wouldn't even bother w/ MC. 
These all her issues. Save your money and time. 
Be prepared for the worst possible outcome. Start getting ready for the fight of your life. Long days ahead my friend. Go into research mode on this site and know that you are not alone. Nothing that you say or do will satisfy her in her current state of mind. You to her, are the cause of all of her problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

I am just not ready to let go, I still think we can work this out. Has anyone had success when there spouse has "checked out" Is there a way to break down this wall? The MC said that we need to start setting up date nights, but when I called, she has plans all weekend. I guess I just don't know what to do, but I don't want to quit.


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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

lost hunter said:


> I am just not ready to let go, I still think we can work this out. Has anyone had success when there spouse has "checked out" Is there a way to break down this wall? The MC said that we need to start setting up date nights, but when I called, she has plans all weekend. I guess I just don't know what to do, but I don't want to quit.


You're in the same exact boat as me. 
I have had no luck with my wife since she has checked out. I've been dark with her, last time we talked about us was the 13th of December and still she had no intentions of fixing it.
I also am NOWHERE near wanting to let go but the more I hold onto that shred of hope, the more heartbreak I feel.
Wife got paid today so if I hear from her about the last set of D papers I will know she has checked out and there is no hope.
I will keep you updated to know whether or not her "check out" was hopeless.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Remember even if you get divorced that doesn't mean the relationship ends. Maybe its the romantic in me, but there is always hope. The real question is if down the road she see's your improvement and wants to come back, will you still want her then? Chances are if you have moved on and possibly found someone else you may realize how much better it is then what you had.

Just a thought.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> Remember even if you get divorced that doesn't mean the relationship ends. Maybe its the romantic in me, but there is always hope. The real question is if down the road she see's your improvement and wants to come back, will you still want her then? Chances are if you have moved on and possibly found someone else you may realize how much better it is then what you had.
> 
> Just a thought.


I do not know how she will ever see improvment without giving me the chance. I have thought about what would I do, if she goes out into the world, and then comes back, would I take her back, and to be honest, I'm not sure I would. Don't get me wrong, I love her, but I have never felt pain like this before, and would I put myself in a position to do this again? I do not like being vulnerable and helpless. I am in a place where I can do nothing but hope she has a change of heart. I am willing to do what is necessary, but if she will not let me, then how can I? She holds all of the cards, no matter what I say or do, she is still in the driver seat. I guess I just don't know. I don't know if I would take her back, I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to keep this going. I know people say to do the 180 approach, but my fear is that she will enjoy the life without me, and forget about what we built together. I want to hit the head on and get to the bottom of it, not let her do what she wants and then figure out the grass isn't greener. I am trying not to be to pushy, but I need answers, and she needs to figure what is going on, and if I am in the picture or not. Has the 180 worked for you?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

No the 180 is for you to heal not to get her back. My heart aches for you as most of us here have experienced the pain you are in. You are not going to be able nice her back into your arms. Once they check out man they are usually gone. I have been doing the 180 for a couple of months and I have seen no change in my wife's feelings for me. We have lived apart the entire time. 

Focus on yourself and try to heal. I suggest counseling for your self. If you start losing weight, see a MD about anxiety and depression.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Well chances are you and her had issues in the relationship. You are being forced to reflect on your faults and will fix those issues while she is just running. She will end up in the same boat someday because of this. Its doubtful she will find the happiness she expects.

The more you analyze and question her to 'get to the bottom of it' the more annoyed she will become with you and it will drive her away. The 180 is to help 'you' move on and sometimes in the process because you are making yourself a better man you will become more attractive to her. She will notice the most subtle changes in you. The 180 has worked for some people, but if you do it just to win her back you are still letting her run the show.

Bear in mind if there is another man in the picture it may not help no matter what you do. The desire for another can make a women lose all sense of herself and not act rationally.

Until she does come crawling back, if she does, there is no need to wonder if you would take her back. Yes this is very painful, but you can only do what you can do. You can't change her mind for her. 



lost hunter said:


> She said that she is not happy with herself, and that over the years she has changed for the worse due to me. She said that she wants to be happy and she can not find this happiness with me in her life. I have begged and pleaded for her to fight for this, and not throw the past away, but she said that deep inside, she knows it is over.
> 
> she said that we could try to work some things out, she told me some of the things I do that really wear on her, like complain about her family, sometimes my humor is a little to blue for her, and look into anger management. Now my anger issue is not violent, and usually not aimed at her, I just have a short fuse, and lose my cool to fast for stupid things.
> 
> I told her everything I planned on doing, and then she said that she was sorry, but that there is no intimate connection. This is the one thing I can not fix. I can't fix how she feels for me.


 Fix the things you know are wrong for yourself. Be positive, upbeat and genuinely happy. It sounds like because of 13 years you let your guard down and your genuine attitude towards things made you a difficult person to be around. No one likes to be around a downbeat guy who complains or gets angry all the time. Not trying to paint you as such, but you get the idea. Be someone she would want to be around. No matter how you actually feel right now. Thinking positive will make you feel positive and genuinely be. While always thinking negative and being angry will make you feel and be negative and angry. A lot of people are that way and sarcastic, moody etc because its easy to be like that. It takes effort to be happy.

As far as what she said about being intimate with you. Do you think you fall into the 'nice guy' category? Not showing enough Alpha traits, taking charge, being decisive etc? These are the things that can cause a women to not be sexually or romantically attracted to you. Being a doormat or doing too much for her.

Read The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011. or No More Mr Nice Guy if you feel you fit that mold.


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## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

lost hunter said:


> I do not know how she will ever see improvment without giving me the chance. I have thought about what would I do, if she goes out into the world, and then comes back, would I take her back, and to be honest, I'm not sure I would. Don't get me wrong, I love her, but I have never felt pain like this before, and would I put myself in a position to do this again? I do not like being vulnerable and helpless. I am in a place where I can do nothing but hope she has a change of heart. I am willing to do what is necessary, but if she will not let me, then how can I? She holds all of the cards, no matter what I say or do, she is still in the driver seat. I guess I just don't know. I don't know if I would take her back, I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to keep this going. I know people say to do the 180 approach, but my fear is that she will enjoy the life without me, and forget about what we built together. I want to hit the head on and get to the bottom of it, not let her do what she wants and then figure out the grass isn't greener. I am trying not to be to pushy, but I need answers, and she needs to figure what is going on, and if I am in the picture or not. Has the 180 worked for you?


The 180 isn't to get her back it is to work on yourself. The only way she has a change of heart is if she realizes what she is leaving behind..hence the 180. In the mean time look into CODA meetings in your area and find out why you are willing to put up with someone who clearly doesn't want to be with you. Most of us TAMers are dealing with co dependency. meaning that we value the opinion of our stbxw's over our own. that isn't and won't ever be a healthy dynamic. it is hard..I struggle with it daily after almost 6 mod but I know that it for the best.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Not too much has changed in the past month. We have had 2 MC sessions, and I found them very interesting, but she continues to say that the spark between us is gone. We are still trying to find what we lost, but I am not sure if we ever will. She needs to tear down the wall she put up, and I don't know if she can. I do not want the marriage to end, but I also do not want to waste time that both of us could use for healing.. In the MC, we have both learned a lot about the person we are, and the person we want to be, we just have to see if these two people are compatible with each other. When we do meet up, I no longer talk about our issues, we try to focus on the positive. If I have issues or questions about our past, I write a note, and save it for MC. This has been very helpful, as it makes our dates a little less stressful. We try to see each other 2-3 times a week, with at least 1 of those outside of the house.

Since I moved out, I have been hitting the gym and trying to eat right. I also bought me a new camera, and enjoy taking pictures as a hobby. This new hobby allows me to get out of the house, and not dwell on our issues. Last weekend, I drove to the Cleveland Zoo and took photographs of the animals. It was cold, and awkward at first, but I really enjoyed myself. I am now actually looking forward to the weekends, instead of dreading them. Might go to Pittsburgh Zoo this weekend, who knows. 

I have limited my contact with her, I only call or text to see when would be a good time to get together. Lately she has been calling me or texting me everyday. Not sure why, but I am not reading anything into it, because I tend to over think things. I'm not sure where this road I'm on will take me, or how long it will take to get there, but I am done feeling sorry for myself. Yes it still hurts, and it sucks, but which ever way it goes, I know that I will be a better person.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

They say that every day that passes it gets a little easier, well yesterday was a rough day, I had to stop by the house to pick up some of my bills. She was not there, but it just doesn't feel right being there. I feel that every time I leave there might be my last, and that scares me. She seems to be enjoying her new found freedom, I am trying, but this is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. She goes out every weekend, I try to, but it doesn't seem fun. Her post on Facebook, tear me up. They are all about being true to herself, and not living for others. I just don't understand, how you can crap on 13 years together. Maybe tomorrow will be better.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

lost hunter said:


> Her post on Facebook, tear me up. They are all about being true to herself, and not living for others. .


Lost - I got "being true to herself" in person - I swear there's a script somewhere.

I've seen where Facebook can be a "trigger" and it's been recommended to block or deactivate your account to prevent the want to check up on the STBX which causes pain. You may want to do this.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Soca70.....I know I should deactivate my account, all it does is cause me pain, but it also helps me. We are trying to R, and going to MC. I watch her post on the weekends, and I see that she is going out every night, I bring that up at MC. I am trying to figure if she is trying to relive her younger days, and her posts help me keep tabs.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

How old is your wife? She might be going through a bit of MLC too. I don't know why but 12/13 year marriages seem to be vulnerable. I'm so pleased you are looking after yourself, getting to the gym and getting into photography! You will have bad days too, unfortunately. How is MC going? Is she making an effort, or just going through the motions? Although she said there is no one else, there is a chance there is. I asked my H several times if there was someone and he vehemently denied it. There was. I do hope not for your sake. Just carry on keeping busy, it's the best medicine!


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Chopsy...She is 32, and I believe that the miscarriage is the key to the whole thing, but she will not listen. I spoke with a friend of mine that is a shrink, and he said that it is a major stressor, and I should contact my MC to see why he hasn't focused on that as a cause, so I am going to see.
I am really enjoing taking pictures, it helps me keep busy. MC is going well, in my mind, it had opened me up to be able to actually discuss my feelings and show more emotion. I am not sure if she is 100% into it, but I think she is trying. She even admitted last session, that she has built a wall between us that she needs to take down. As for the other person, I have done some digging, and I have not found any signs that there is another man. 
As for bad days there are plenty, but this website is a blessing. It lets me know that I am not alone, no matter how much I feel I am. Some days are real bad, others are OK. I just try not to think too much, and my work helps keep me busy. It is the nights that seem to be the hardest, but I purchased a book about my new camera, so I spend my nights reading until I am too tired to think.
I am sorry to hear about you H, your storry like mine is all to common.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

My wife is 34 and all my crap started 2 years ago, I almost wonder if it is more about the age than the amount of time married. 

After 2 years of me trying and her faking, we are headed for a divorce... I wish I'd just done the 180 instead of spending 712 days trying to fix this nonsense. 

Something to realize, sometimes the problem is your spouse's, and there isn't a dxmn thing you can do about it... I had to find out the hard way: No amount of change that I did to myself did a bit of good because in the long run she refused to fix herself. Instead I ended up horribly depressed and lost. Now as I dig my way out I read stories like yours and just cringe, hoping that it doesn't turn out like mine did. All I can say is work on yourself for you, not for her, prepare for the worst, but hope for the best.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

PO12345...I am sorry that you are going through this, but thank you for the wisdom that you shared. I agree, there is not much I can do if she is not willing to change also. Any change I do, is to benefit me in the long run, be it married or single. 
One of my wife's complaints about me, and there are plenty, is that I am a negative person. In my life, not much seems to fall my way, so I tend to see the bad, and not the good. This has helped me try to prepare incase MC does not work. I'm not saying that it won't hurt, but I am getting ready for the fall. I hope that it does work, and we stay married, but I wouldn't bet the house on it. If it was up to me, our marriage would last, but the one thing I can't control is her. I am trying to change the negativity, but again, this change would be for me, and would help with the healing process. Alot of the "flaws" that she saw in me are ones that do need to be improved on, and I hope when all is said and done, I come out of this situation a better person, then I was before.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Well, we agreed to meet at the house last night, just to spend some time together to see if we can fix this thing. I was there from 5:30 till almost 8, but guess what. She wasn't there. She had to work late, I'm a little upset, because if she had plans to go out with friends, you can bet she would have been done early. Not sure if I should talk to her today to try to do it tonight. I guess we shall see.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

No way man ... you need to go dark. She needs to chase you. You just keep working on you. If she contacts you to make up for the date then fine but don't you contact her!


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

GutPunch said:


> No way man ... you need to go dark. She needs to chase you. You just keep working on you. If she contacts you to make up for the date then fine but don't you contact her!


Agreed.

Why should you be the one rescheduling anything if she's the one who 'had to work late'.

Continue on with your life.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Well, she did contact me to make up for the other night. I went over and we had dinner, but it still feels so weird. I know it will take time, but when we are alone, it is like I am hanging our with my buddies, not my wife. We usually sit in silence, because I'm not exactly sure of what to say. We cover the basics, how was work, and that kind of stuff, but then nothing. I am trying my best to talk, but I want to talk about our issues, and that only starts bickering. I asked her her plans for this weekend, and like last, she is book solid. I might get to see her on Sunday, just like last weekend. Made a note to bring this up at MC, so we can try to get to the bottom of this. Not sure why she needs to keep busy, hard to work on R when I can't spend time. She says she wants R, but she needs to start proving it.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

It looks like she wants to R when she hasn't anything better to do. You need to pull back and do not force the issue. Let her bring up the "us" discussions. You need to go out and have some fun. You need to have plans on the weekend. Don't be so needy. Of course, I have a hard time practicing what I preach myself.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Gutpunch....I'm trying my best to not force the issue, but I am not a very patient person. This seperation, is helping with that, because I can not rush things now, but it just seems to be going at a snail's pace. There are just so many questions, that I need answers, and the answer she gives I just don't understand. I can not understand how someon falls out of love. I just can not wrap my head around that concept. I could never imagine me not loving her. She says that i will never understand, and that might be true. I do not bring the "us" part up anymore, I save all of my questions and issues for MC.
As for the weekend, I do get out, but it kind of sucks, going to dinner or a movie by yourself. I plan on hitting the gym, and maybe going down to the lake to take pictures, but that is about it. I was never one to really go out, I am a home body. Now I am just a body without a home.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Well...learn some patience. Hitting the gym is a good idea. Stay dark. Im with you on the going out by yourself. It does suck.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Well, I have not talked to her today, I have gone dark. I guess I will see how long it takes for her to contact me. Nights suck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

I read your post and you're right, the miscarriage might have triggered a lot of her issues. I miscarried in 2010 and it was the WORST feeling in the world. I've lost 3 other pregnancies since then with the most recent being right after Thanksgiving last year. It definitely takes a toll on the best of marriages. For me, I was depressed each time, I was sad that we couldn't have children, I couldn't connect with H, physically I felt awful and undesirable etc. So it's very possible your W is simply dealing with a lot of pain.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Love...I just wish she would think this way. In her mind the miscarriage has nothing to do with it. This is the only explanation that makes sense to me, I thought we were perfect for each other. It is just like one night someone flipped a switch, and she changed. I had searched, and there is no sign of someone else, so I'm not sure what to do. She sent me a text to see if I could go to the house and let the dog out. Which I did, I am trying to be patient and nice, so I left a note, a long with a piece of candy that she likes. I am hoping the small stuff helps. I guess time will tell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

lost hunter said:


> Love...I just wish she would think this way. In her mind the miscarriage has nothing to do with it. This is the only explanation that makes sense to me, I thought we were perfect for each other. It is just like one night someone flipped a switch, and she changed. I had searched, and there is no sign of someone else, so I'm not sure what to do. She sent me a text to see if I could go to the house and let the dog out. Which I did, I am trying to be patient and nice, so I left a note, a long with a piece of candy that she likes. I am hoping the small stuff helps. I guess time will tell.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know if it's the root of what's going on between you and your W, but I bet it's playing a part but may not be all together the cause (if that makes sense). It really is difficult to go through. I can't explain it. I wish I personally had gotten professional help, but I thought I could handle it. I pretty much lost it when the last pregnancy didn't make it. So you just hang in there and I hope that she knows how much you care and love her etc.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

I talked to her father yesterday, and he is very upset with her for doing this. All of her family is upset that she is acting this way. It was nice to know that I wasn't the only one blind sided by this. It was nice to talk with him, and nice to know that they are there for me. I know when it comes down to it they will have to support their child, but still for him to reach out to me was nice of him. 


I thought wife and I would do something today since we are both off, and this was the only day she had off, but I have not heard from her, and I'm tired of being the one trying to set times when we can visit, plus, I'm trying to remain dark. I'm not going to wait for her, so I'm heading out to bar to watch some football. Hopefully my mood changes, I'm pretty pissed right now. Hope you all have a good one. Will update later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

I would be careful about the in-laws. I thought I had a great relationship with mine and that I really cared and loved them. But since our initial conversation, they haven't reached out. Instead, they've only responded WHEN I've sent them a note via FB and the response has been somewhat generic. So while they are not taking sides (so they say), H is their son. So lines are drawn in a way, even though, they say they are praying and thinking of me.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

I'm being careful, but some of what he said was pretty blunt about how he felt. He stated that he doesn't know who she has become. I know when it comes down to it, she is family, but he also made it pretty clear that I'm family and if she doesn't like it tough. I don't really go into detail about us, just let them know that we are trying, and that if it is over, she is to blame. He told me not to give up, but that I can only do so much and that it takes two. He has no clue why she is acting this way, but he feels that her friends are not helping the situation. I agreed, but there is nothing I can do about that. 

I still have not heard from her, so I guess I won't be seeing her today. So, I'm at the bar enjoying a pitcher of beer and watching the football game. I am very angry, but I will just write this down, and bring it up at MC this week. Cheers!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Well, she finally contacted me yesterday via text. She wanted to know when our next MC session was. I replied, only giving her the date and time. She then asked "what did you do today" I responded "not much. How about you?" He answer really p!ssed me off. She said" Not a whole lot, just took dog for a ride, and took garbage down dads" I did not respond to this text, because anything that I would have said would have been mean. Knowing that we could have spent time together, this is what she did instead of contacting me about coming over. 

I hate to think that my marriage is over, but I'm really leaning that way. I am not a quitter, but when she has already quit, I'm fighting a losing battle. All of this will be brought up at MC, and I guess we will go from there. I will continue to focus on myself, and do what I have to do. This was just a pretty rough wake up call, and I think this week might suck. I am still very upset about it this morning, and now I have to try and focus at work. I wish I could just clear my mind, and not think about all of this. Hope you all have a good day, Lord knows I'm trying!


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Well, she contacted me, and we are having a "date" night tonight. Trying to get the "spark" back. Our next MC session s tomorrow, and i have a lot to say, so I better enjoy our time now, because she might be pissed come tomorrow. Wish me luck!


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Well, here is another update on my situation.

Last Friday my wife and I went on a "date", and she made me pick the movie and dinner. This was one of her many issues with me, is that I always ask for approval, and never do anything on my own, so I did. I picked the place to eat, and the movie. After dinner she said that it was ok, nothing special, and then we went and saw Warm Bodies, a zombie love story. As soon as I purchased the movie tickets, she tells me that she would have rather seen a different movie. But hey, it was my pick so deal with it. After the movie on the drive home, she said that the movie was terrible, and that I should have picked a movie that she would have liked. I told her that this is why I always seek approval, because she is never happy with my choices. Other than that the date went pretty well. The next day, I called to see if it would be alright if I came over the house and saw the dog, and played my xbox. She then told me that she thought I was coming over to catch a peak of her, since she was getting ready to go out. This really made me angry. We have been together for 13 years, I have seen all she has, plus, that was not my goal. I really wanted to play xbox. I had invited her to come with me to my friends house for a super bowl party last week, but she never said anything, so yesterday she said that she thought I would have asked her again. This was the final straw. I told her, that I am tired of all of this, and I'm done trying. The MC and her both put all of the fixing the marriage on my shoulders, like I am the one that broke it, and I told her I am done. I said that she has some fairy tale view of marriage that does not exist, and I will not continue to do all of the work, while she goes out and lives her life. I told he I always let her do what she wanted, I never said no, and my reward was this mess. I laid it all on the table, telling her that I am not changing, our marriage was fine, and I liked the way it was. I said that I deserve to be happy, and I need someone that enjoyed what I brought to the table, not someone that complained about what I did not bring. I then told her to think about what she wanted, and if it is something different then what I offerend, then it was over. I then said for her to think long and hard about it, and that I would talk to her Thursday at the MC session. It was hard for me to do, but it needed done, so now I wait. I'm not sure what is going on, or what the outcome will be, but I know that it was not fair for them to make me fix what was not broken.


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## rsersen (Jan 30, 2013)

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your situation sounds a lot like mine. Her father lost his fight with cancer around the same time we started trying to have a baby - tried for several months until realizing that we were infertile, and it killed her (and me, but it hit her harder). She went into a deep depression for several months, but got better. She always complained about me being overly negative/cynical. The one day I got the same discussion - spark is gone, I need to find myself, be happy with myself, etc.

Her lifestyle, shortly before that talk, and since she left, has been a 180 of its own. She used to always be headed for bed by 8-9 pm on weeknights, and rarely go out on weekends. Now she's up until midnight+ every night, and out until 3-4 am every weekend. Used to be at church every week, hasn't gone in a long time because she's out every night. She had started going back to school in September, she hasn't been doing anything with that since this change in lifestyle. I haven't reached out to any in-laws yet, but I can only hope that they're seeing the same thing I am.

In my case, there was another man - she was in an EA for a couple months before leaving, turned PA right before she jumped ship (at least she says). I ignored the red flags for too long, and by the time I gave her the ultimatum of me or him, she chose him. I don't know if she was or is still in a fog, or if she had checked out and he was simply a safe landing spot. I don't know if this is a quarter-life crisis (we're only 25), and she feels she's missed out by marrying young and is making up for lost time. I don't know if maybe she just truly did grow out of our relationship and doesn't love me anymore, and it's that simple. I have no idea if she'll ever regret it, or change her mind.

We had been going to MC, but from the start, her heart wasn't in it. I had begged and chased for a while (a mistake), but after the affair was revealed, we both blew up (she wouldn't admit it was cheating), I went dark, and now it's turned into IC for me. Haven't talked to her in two weeks. Feels like a year. But I keep reminding myself that if she cared, she'd reach out to me. 

We can't fix them. We can't make them love us. But I still can't understand it.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

I also forgot that my father passed away a week ago. She was there for me at the funeral calling every day to check in, but once they put him in the ground, she went back to the way she was. I'm just done with it. I'm tired of being treated like sh1t. I was the best husband I could be, and this is my reward. I never knew what it was like to fall out of love, but these past months apart, with me pouring my heart and soul into trying to make her love me, and me getting nothing in return, I feel like I do not love her as much as I did. It is like trying to make a rock love you, after a while you just get tired of trying.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Well, She called when I was leaving the gym last night to talk. I told her I am tired and I cant do this anymore. I said that she had just pushed me too far away, and I don't think I can come back. I'm not sure what is going to happen now, she was upset on the phone, but she is the one that started this whole mess. I hope we can just cut it clean and both move on. I think it is too late for her to start fighting for it. Has anyone else experienced this, when they want out, you fight, then you quit, and they want back in? So Confused!


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