# Helping or Hurting, or Just Can't Tell



## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

This is directed to those of you who have gotten past the affair, and by that I mean have either reached a point of forgiving your spouse and moved on, or separated and moved on.

Do you, or your spouse, ever feel like this forum, specifically the "Coping with Infidelity", is actually doing more harm than good now?

I am starting to wonder how healthy is it to continuously read stories of others who have gone through the pain many of us have worked so hard to get through. I feel like the constant reminder of this pain only prolongs our own recovery, and keeps us bitter to some degree.

Thoughts?


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## purplehaze (May 23, 2011)

Hi there,

I know what you mean - 16 months since D Day . Having a lot of good days but still find myself checking website , knowing that sometmes when I come off here I ll be feeling resentful and annoyed . I guess it s like when you pas a car accident on the road - you got to look even if you know theres something horrible there .


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

1 year out and this is my second time around in a different marriage after having been cheated on in my first marriage.

So basically what you're asking if reading the stories here and on other websites causes people to trigger. 

For me, in the beginning it did. But that was outweighed by absorbing the wealth of information about the whole affair experience from the BS side, and also some with the WS side. It helps to read that you are not alone and that your situation isn't that unique. 

I believe knowledge is power. Not power to control or hurt, but to change you own situation for the better. Using that power to change yourself and your situation, it helps you to heal. Eventually sites like these will not trigger you as much and you can objectively view someone's situation without projecting it on to your own.

The real tragedy are the millions of people that are in pain and agony as a result of infidelity, that don't manage to find support sites like this. They are in the dark and don't know what to do to help themselves and their situation. They usually end up trying to R with an unremorseful cheater and end up being miserable while the infidelity continues until after months or years of pain, they finally decide to call it quits. I also sincerely believe that online support groups like this actually help marriages recover from infidelity by helping partners take personal responsibility, redefine boundaries, and proceed to R.

So my feeling is that if this site triggers you so much that you can't handle it, then take a break for a few days. Also, even as a BS or WS, you do have something to contribute and share. Just looking at the main forum index, there are literally hundreds of people lurking. And that means they are reading and learning. Some just don't choose to post. Either way, everyone is getting something out of this site.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

purplehaze said:


> I guess it s like when you pas a car accident on the road - you got to look even if you know theres something horrible there .


LOL! My wife recently asked me why I still visit this forum and the "its like a train wreck, you just can't look away" was my response. That isn't the true reason, IMO, but does feel like it sometimes.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> 1 year out and this is my second time around in a different marriage after having been cheated on in my first marriage.
> 
> So basically what you're asking if reading the stories here and on other websites causes people to trigger.
> 
> ...


I agree this site is very helpful to those trying to cope with issues of infidelity. I am just wondering if there comes a point when it has done all the good it can do. I have heard of similar experiences with alcoholics who attended AA - some found that after a certain point, the meetings only act as a trigger.


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## purplehaze (May 23, 2011)

I m am starting to come on here less and less . I have picked up a lot of info that has helped me emotionally and helped me to come to some of the decisions that I have reached. 

I do feel a lot stronger than this time last year and I have no doubt in my mind that if it ever happened again then I would be able to walk away in a heartbeat .


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

It's like testing a wound to see if it still hurts. Every day a little less pain. Remember infidelity is a symptom of underlying dysfunction. Just stopping the affair doesn't heal the problem and I have found this forum to provide great insight into the root causes.


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## purplehaze (May 23, 2011)

Very true - we ve been married over 20 years and had just taken the marriage for granted . While we still got on well we were more like brother and sister - life had got in the way . I accept that 50% of the marriage situation was mine when my husband cheated . Now we hold hands more cuddle in bed text each other throught the day - basically we ve reconnected .

Don t get me wrong it s been hard and there are still days when I could throttle him but there is light at the end of the tunnel


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bs193 said:


> I have heard of similar experiences with alcoholics who attended AA - some found that after a certain point, the meetings only act as a trigger.


Apples and oranges. Alcoholics are suffering from a deep seated addiction, they are the ones with something broken deep within them. Some need treatment the rest of their lives to keep from relapsing. I've known some alcoholics who attended AA meetings and I've never heard that.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I can see why the OP would ask about the site maybe being a trigger. It isn't for me personally, mainly because I have moved from the phase where I am asking questions every other day to the phase where I can calmly update and maybe even answer some questions that other posters are asking. I do like to post updates every now and again so others can see that there is a glimmer of hope for recovering, whether it be with each other or not


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

For me, this site has been both helpful and hurtful at different times. When I found it and joined, I was several months past D-Day and found incredible support and advice that I really needed. I had lots of posts and threads on here until I realized a gossipy, spiteful woman I used to work with was aware I was posting here. Then I realized a woman my husband had an affair with knew who I was. This was just at a time when I was already reeling from the blow to my self esteem and I was ashamed that I had been cheated on. When I realized these people and others knew my identity, I was so absolutely mortified that I deleted everything. My sincere apologies to those who took the time to post in my threads.

After a while, I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't be embarrassed and I started to participate again. I still needed this place and at the time, it was helpful to me. Now, I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm in a good place now and I like to offer encouragement to others but there is so much negativity here these days. I leave with a bad taste in my mouth more often than not.

I've seen threads started by people who were looking for support and advise in their reconciliation, only to have other people offer them graphic descriptions of what their spouse was doing with the OP or tell them that the only way to get past it would be to leave their spouse. It can get pretty ugly. I know I can be a bit of a Pollyanna sometimes, but I like that about myself and I think it's time for me to wean myself from this site. Anymore, it just brings my spirit down and I was down long enough.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

I agree that it can be both. In the first few days after finding it, I found a great deal of support and relief that I wasn't alone. As I told my ws, we weren't even that special since she basically followed the cheater's script almost word for word. Had I known all of this, I would have caught on much sooner.

However, I do find that spending too much time on here can be a trigger and a bad one. I've had days where I feel really good and I come on here and before you know it, I'm a wreck again and lashing out at everyone and everything.

Regardless, I am extremely grateful to have found TAM and even as I check in less and less I am still really happy to know I have a supportive community behind me as I heal and work towards R.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

The site or content within doesn't cause triggers. It does help me to focus on staying vigilant in areas that can easily lose my focus.

Some stories have helped me remember that pain I first felt when I found out about my wife's affair. Reminds me that I never want to ever feel that again. 

It does not upset me or trigger any emotion toward the wife in any way. What's done is done. She is the only one/thing that causes me to have triggers. Usually by her words or actions.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

This site for me has been like therapy. It has been great. Since I joined back in March 2011, I went from crazy, hysterical, panic and crying to happily divorced. The good people here were able to help me see things about my exH that I never saw before. Their advice helped me to be strong enough to finally leave a very bad marriage and walk away from my serial cheater of a husband. That was probably the best thing I have ever done. I wish I would have found this site many years earlier.


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