# Mixed Up in the Head!



## parman (Jan 4, 2014)

If anyone on here has this similar situation I would love to hear from you. First of all, this is all my fault and accept whatever comes out of this in the end as I deserved it.
I am married to a wonderful woman for 16 yrs. I never once was unfaithful nor has she ever been. She is a christian lady who is very into the church where I am not so much. I did go from time to time but only to church services. She goes to sunday school, was into bible groups, and has many friends in the 
church and a very supporting family and many friends outside of church and family.
Here's the problem, I started an affair back in july with a woman who is also married but lives over an hr away from me. Her work brings her to my area a couple of days a week. She has been wanting out of her marriage for a long time. She has 2 boys, one is 17 the other is 13. She has not been happy until I came along. Our meeting was by accident not planned. We started talking and before you knew it we were kissing, hugging, and then it became sex.
I had never in my life done this before. I gave in to temptation. I knew better but still did it. Thought it would just be a time or two and be done with it. Never thought love would be in the picture. We both fell in love with each other after about 2 months seeing one another.
I got caught when my wife seen the OW cell number many many times on our phone bill and she ask me about it. I did not lie and my wife broke down and cried. What did I expect? I broke her trust in me and I was a sorry human being. She had already gone through this once in her life yrs ago with her ex-husband but she never thought I would do this to her. On top of getting caught, I moved out. I moved into a motel room where I am still til this day. My wife has practically begged me to come back home. She said she has forgive me and wants our marriage to work. I should go back but not feeling like I want to, I don't think. The OW has also moved out, but into a trailer. Her husband knows nothing about me, only that he thinks she is seeing someone. They are getting a divorce according to her. She is madly in love with me and has never ask me for money or anything, only my love.
She is much younger than me but I am young for my age, so people say.
I love this woman but I also care alot for my wife. My wife has done nothing to cause my actions. It was an opportunity and I was impressed that this other woman wanted me. NOw, I don't know what to do. I am being squeezed by both. My wife can't take much more. She has lost 33 lbs since summer and does not eat very much at all.
The OW thinks I am playing both of them cause I still communicate with my wife when she texts me. She wants to be No.1 in my life and I clearly understand that. I've been to counselers and so has my wife. Her part was to learn how to cope. Mine was too try and figure out what I want to do.
I can't get over this woman and I am afraid if I go back home that I will not be happy cause of my love for the OW.
If we eventually get together like we have talked about, how will I feel about destroying a very good woman. This is not an envious position that I don't think anyone would want to be in.
I know both women love me deeply. I know I've done bad. I don't need to hear that from anyone. I just would like to hear from others who have been through this and what they have done.
Like I said, my wife and I always got along. That's why it has been so difficult for her cause she didn't see any of this coming.
I simply fell for the OW and now in love with her but don't know what my next move is at this point. I have to do something and soon or I might be completely alone myself.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Your wife gave you the window to return. She said she will forgive you. This is your golden opportunity and I suggest you take it. You don't have any issues with her, you love her, and yet you are considering throwing 16 years away? 

Do you know that the odds are stacked against your relationship working with the woman you have an affair with? Do you also want to have to deal with two of her children? 

Geez man, wake up! Dump your mistress, cut her off completely, and go back to your loving wife immediately.


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## blackdog (Dec 18, 2013)

I kinda have to agree with Alpha. My wife and I are going through a very rocky time after 17 years of marriage and she asked me the other night what I thought "love" was. She pushed at me a bit until I finally gave her the answer that she was looking for. I told her that being in love was basically a physical attraction.

But what you also have to ask yourself is if the attraction for the OW is actual love or simply lust. I am starting to wonder (now that I am getting older) if there is a finer line than what people like to believe between love and lust. However, from the information that you have provided, I would have to say that you should sit in silence and take a long hard look at your situation. You might be surprised at what your heart tells you.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I wonder how many women Parman has slept with before his wife. I sense its like she is the good Christian girl who isn't that experimental in the sack and then he met someone who showed him something different and more exciting. Problem is, she comes with lots of baggage and yet he is thinking about throwing everything good away for more thrill in the bedroom. 

I know several acquaintances who were sexually inexperienced when they got married, and had affairs during their marriage because they discovered some other p**sy out there. Every one of them wrecked their marriage because of it.

I don't know you Parman, I'm just speculating.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

What do you think will happen if you leave your precious, faithful wife, for the OW who has just cheated on her own husband? The OW claims she loves you. Who really knows if that's true anyway..and to tell you the truth, it's irrelevant. The OW and you both are just in a rush of emotions, not real, and not anything to be leaving your awesome wife. 

I say again.....your wife is a gem, and you're going to throw her away for a woman who has absolutely no boundaries in marriage? Come on now. Get your head out of this gutter you're in.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

If they do it with you, they will do it to you.


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## parman (Jan 4, 2014)

Alpha, in your question "how many women have I slept with since my marriage" the answer is none. If you had read my post completely you would have known that. This was a first for me. I know what I should do and am going to talk with a minister this week to try and get my head on straight. Yes, I know I have a very wonderful wife who I cheated on. I fell in love with another woman. I did not feel as if it is lust. I didn't go out looking for it. It was not passionate sex from the beginning, more talk and getting to know one another, then hugging and kissing!
I care for my wife and to tell you the truth it would probably really get me thinking hard about this situation if she would give me a ultimatum. Don't think she will but just saying.
THank the rest of you who have commented. I know I should go home and think I may just do that.
My rent is up here in 2 wks and I've told myself that I am getting off the fence then and doing something.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, you might ask yourself if the other woman doesn't work out if you'd want your wife back. Statistically there's an incredibly slim chance you and the ow are going to work out, and even if you do she'll always be the sl$t that wrecked your marriage and you'll always be the pos that blew up his good marriage over a cheap piece of a$$. Because that's what she is, and you're both going into this relationship as cheats and liars. In addition, you think you're in love but you don't know her that well and you haven't dealt with day to day sh$t with her; you're still in rainbow and unicorn land with her. That will end. Now if you don't want your marriage either way then by all means end it, but otherwise blowing it up over a younger piece of trash is not going to be worth it. Think about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Daisy2714 (Sep 22, 2013)

parman said:


> Alpha, in your question "how many women have I slept with since my marriage" the answer is none. If you had read my post completely you would have known that. This was a first for me. I know what I should do and am going to talk with a minister this week to try and get my head on straight. Yes, I know I have a very wonderful wife who I cheated on. I fell in love with another woman. I did not feel as if it is lust. *I didn't go out looking for it. It was not passionate sex from the beginning, more talk and getting to know one another, then hugging and kissing!*
> I care for my wife and to tell you the truth it would probably really get me thinking hard about this situation if she would give me a ultimatum. Don't think she will but just saying.
> THank the rest of you who have commented. I know I should go home and think I may just do that.
> My rent is up here in 2 wks and I've told myself that I am getting off the fence then and doing something.


I will disagree you and and say that you are confused between lust and love. The part I highlighted... that's what everyone says who ends up in an affair. NO ONE goes out looking for an affair. They simply end up in a situation that creates temptation and then emotions take over. You need to say good-bye to the mistress and do it soon. Before your wife wakes up enough to change her mind about taking you back. 

Don't wait the two weeks. You already KNOW what the right thing to do is. Just do it and count yourself lucky that she is a forgiving woman. Read the threads here about life after an affair. You CAN develop a deeper love with your wife than you ever thought possible. You CAN be happy in this marriage. Consider this whole thing an opportunity to reach a level of intimacy with your spouse that few of us will ever boast about. 

Best regards,
Daisy


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## parman (Jan 4, 2014)

My wife just called me telling me she was watching our wedding and our return back home before we went on our honeymoonmcruise. She does know how to get to me.
I am telling the OW good bye. THis is very hard for me. I love her and she loves me but I think I would regret someday to follow through with anything else with her.
My wife deserves my undivided attention. She is one great woman. Everything I have said about her is true. I made a big mistake and I know it. It is going to be hard but I must go home and not a minute too soon. I got alot of making up to do. I'm lucky my wife is a forgiving woman.
Thanks everyone for there input on this. I will come back and report back later on how things are going with us.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Parman... going home is the right choice. Please don't underestimate the hard work ahead of you to repair the damage that has been done to your marriage. Your wife's heart has been broken and her trust has been destroyed. It will take time for all that to heal and only you can rebuild all of that. Keep posting there are lot of people here that will help you walk that long road to rebuild that relationship.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

parman said:


> My wife just called me telling me she was watching our wedding and our return back home before we went on our honeymoonmcruise. She does know how to get to me.
> I am telling the OW good bye. THis is very hard for me. I love her and she loves me but I think I would regret someday to follow through with anything else with her.
> My wife deserves my undivided attention. She is one great woman. Everything I have said about her is true. I made a big mistake and I know it. It is going to be hard but I must go home and not a minute too soon. I got alot of making up to do. I'm lucky my wife is a forgiving woman.
> Thanks everyone for there input on this. I will come back and report back later on how things are going with us.


Always remember this. The OW cheated on her husband. She lied to him. She broke her vows. Your W did not. Your wife is truly the "prize" here. Make no mistake about thinking otherwise.

How could you possibly believe that you actually "love" this OW? How could you even consider that this OW would be better for you than your own wife? Think on that. What you have with this OW is not love. What you have with your wife is love. Do not ever hold any "regrets" about "what could have been" with the OW, for "what could have been" most assuredly would have been a disaster. 

I wish you and your wife the best.


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