# To be or not to be (rebuilding, repairing, In-Law drama)



## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

Background:
Husbands Father is remarried; his stepmother has been in his life since he was 8. My DH and I used to share a social media account. BAD IDEA! At the end of our joint account I was brought into the stepmother’s family drama without warning, and not knowing what I had reacted to. 

There were so many people on our profile we shared together, many I did not know and had never met. I am always liking or reacting and commenting on quotes, memes and statuses not knowing that some people put their personal affairs on Facebook.

Apparently I had loved/reacted to a comment made by a family member who was in a disagreement with another family member, and in that same day I reacted and commented on a separate post to a different family member and was called out publicly on Facebook by the stepmother’s family. 

My father in Law messaged me and told me that there was a family disagreement going on. I publicly apologized and announced I did not know about this and messaged the family member who had approached me about it, I told her that I was sorry and meant nothing by my reaction to a comment and that I did not know and definitely did not want to know them after this… I proceeded to tell them that the only one I knew from that end was my husband’s stepmother and that she must “take it from the good side of the family” and I would no longer be a problem to them on social media.

My husband’s stepmother had my father in law call me and message me telling me to take my post down, and to stop starting drama. I flipped out on my father in law, and I some things I said to him were totally uncalled for. I apologized to him shortly after that but let him know I was an innocent bystander and meant nothing by it and did not know these people or their personal matters.

Fast forward to today, my husband’s stepmother has written me off in the family tree… demanded and expected an apology and said that I brought her into the drama.

Is this for real? I mean are people really this dramatic? My family told me that she and DH’s family was insane and that I didn’t owe them anything. 

Somehow my Mother in law and husbands sister get involved and now I am being treated cold by them. So on thanksgiving I thought about my marriage… and what DH would appreciate and want.. I bowed down to them and gave an apology over the phone… 

The stepmother raised her voice to me, and then started ranting on about her being mad over something else in the situation… from the moment things happened to now, her story has changed and the reasons why she is mad at me keeps changing… each time a new person is apparently upset at me or offended by me? 

She has run out of people, and I have ran out of apologies. I did not go with my husband to family get together this Christmas… I have always had a huge heart; along with a loving and very forgiving one as well... this woman’s own mother and father told her she was being ridiculous about things. I am expected to give another apology to her??? I don’t even think I owed her an apology to begin with???

My husband and I are currently separated due to other issues in our marriage… but this is a big hurdle we have to overcome before our therapist says we will be able to work on the transition of being back under the same roof together again. 

How do I overcome this situation with my in-laws…? 

Everyone in my circle says my husband should be defending me and should not expect me to be around a situation like this… 

What do I do here? How do I express myself to him? What on this earth did I do that was so terrible for the stepmother to keep running this tirade? 

I feel like her and her family already had something against me to begin with… could be my paranoia, who knows… regardless I am spent on having the strength to move forward and not knowing how.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> My husband and I are currently separated due to other issues in our marriage… but this is a big hurdle we have to overcome before our therapist says we will be able to work on the transition of being back under the same roof together again.
> .


What is most important to you your husband and your marriage? Or your pride and saving face?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that your husband should stand up for you and tell his step mother to back off and calm down. But it does not sound like he's going to do that.

Since she keeps coming up with new things to be upset with you about, I also don't think that there is much that you can do except ignore her nonsense.

Have you considered just acting like everything is ok? Don't bring it up anymore? Let it go?


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

My marriage is most important to me, but we have a long way to go... I know that this should be the last on my list of things to worry about 

but its an issue that has been bothering me for some time.

I don't really think im worried about my reputation or been to proud in that situation with my in laws.... i think its just the matter of the whole situation in general.

if my husband and i do continue to build a better relationship and reconcile permanently this will be a big issue to overcome.

I suffer from severe anxiety... how in the he** would i be able to be in a room with in laws again without those issues surfacing... 
i know that i could control my anger etc... but the hurt and emotions that come with that it would just be really uncomfortable and hard for me to not get upset or have an anxiety/panic attack...


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Don't let them play in your head. Only you can allow them to give you anxiety. Go there and be proud. Tell your H he must protect you from them. Or no more engaging that side of the family. When you say its time to leave, he must go. But do this privately with your H.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> .
> 
> Have you considered just acting like everything is ok? Don't bring it up anymore? Let it go?



I don't think hes defended me much either on it Ele, I've not mentioned it much since I've been at families.. therapist has us starting from beginning to present day we are just at the surface... everytime i mentioned it before i left it was very confrontational. 

I've never been the one to bring it up.. the last time it was brought up my father in law messaged husband about 2 days before i left to my fathers and asked were we coming for christmas... when the husband told him no he said ""WELL ILL JUST TAKE THE GIFTS BACK THEN""

i laughed and told my husband i could care less about the gifts, father in law told my husband that his wife did not owe me an apology and that i should hope in time the consequences of my actions would be forgotten.

Like really??? what the heck did i do EEK! 

if i keep dwelling on it i know it will drive me crazy but i just don't understand why they are being like that, i dread the end result. ugh


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You're already separated from your husband. Do what your therapist suggests. 

The whole thing with the family sounds like a hot mess. FB is stupid, and it causes A LOT of stupid problems. You commented on something you had no business commenting on, but that is the nature of FB. One night I went through my FB account and unfriended anyone who wasn't a real "friend" that I hadn't actually had a cup of coffee or a meal with and talked about real life things. I felt such a relief when I was done! And only one person noticed and friended me again! That tells you how shallow FB "friendships" are.

Stop talking with his family. It seems they all have poor boundaries as do you. Be polite if spoken to, but when they start to stir the pot, interrupt and say that someone is at the door and you have to answer it and get off the phone immediately. His family seems toxic, controlling and drama filled. Best to keep things on a formal, polite, impersonal level.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> I don't think hes defended me much either on it Ele, I've not mentioned it much since I've been at families.. therapist has us starting from beginning to present day we are just at the surface... everytime i mentioned it before i left it was very confrontational.
> 
> I've never been the one to bring it up.. the last time it was brought up my father in law messaged husband about 2 days before i left to my fathers and asked were we coming for christmas... when the husband told him no he said ""WELL ILL JUST TAKE THE GIFTS BACK THEN""
> 
> ...


It sounds like your father-in-law is as toxic as she is.

Can you avoid being around them for a few months?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It's really about your H. He should be taking the reigns to set his family straight. That he loves you, you come first in his life. 

Especially now that you've done all you reasonably can. And, H should have squared things away even before it hot that far.

That's a sign, too, that he tragically didn't. 

DW and I for example, will always stick together. Most couples in a strong marriage do; I always take her side even if I think she might be mistaken. 

Just by a couple doing this a time or two quashes future issues because folks know there's no mileage in trying to create big drama.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

These are adults? No joke, this mess of a sorry tale is about grown ass people? 

Wow.

Personally, I'd tell each and every one of them they are acting like immature children, shouldn't be posting their flame wars on social media, and shouldn't be surprised that everyone on their social media doesn't know of their personal family feuds if they do because it turns out the world doesn't revolve around them. 

And, no, I wouldn't apologize to a single one of em. Temper tantrum throwing children do not get apologies. They get time out. 

After reading about his family and their reactions I am not surprised at all you're separated because of serious issues within your relationship.If your husband is siding with bullpoop and drama maybe this separation is a good thing. If this is what his family is like publicly on social media they must be a nightmare in person. Apples don't fall far from trees.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

I appreciate everyone's support and feedback, I am the type of person who will play so many different scenarios and keep blaming myself for things...
regardless of whether I am right or wrong about it. 

I knew deep inside that I hadn't done anything wrong but I think the toxic situation I was in with a husband and the family is what had me masking my own feelings and intuition on the entirety of it all.

I just hate that children are involved in the situation.. I am doing the right thing though and not being a hag about things... I let my children go and visit and won't withhold them over someone elses ignorance and i was told by my family i was being to kind and to not be a doormat to them..

but I will always put my children first, I just hope they know when the grow older that their mother tried her very best in everything she did for them. 

 

Best wishes to all, stay well forum buddies <3


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> I think the toxic situation I was in with a husband and the family is what had me masking my own feelings and intuition on the entirety of it all.
> 
> I let my children go and visit and won't withhold them over someone elses ignorance and i was told by my family i was being to kind and to not be a doormat to them..
> 
> but I will always put my children first


You may want to reevaluate this. If his family is toxic, mentally abused you to the point where you were questioning reality and your own instincts, and masking your feelings, then you must ask yourself if those are people you want your kids around. Perhaps putting your children first would be limiting the time they are exposed to their paternal family toxicity.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

I had thought about that Jean, but I think their issue is they just do not like and do not accept me.

they seem to love and adore the kids... i seen pictures from christmas my husband had taken my son and daughter there and they were cuddled up to them and loving on them.

they just dont want me there it seems.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

always makes me think of this....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> I had thought about that Jean, but I think their issue is they just do not like and do not accept me.
> 
> they seem to love and adore the kids... i seen pictures from christmas my husband had taken my son and daughter there and they were cuddled up to them and loving on them.
> 
> they just dont want me there it seems.


One of the issues here is that if you and your husband divorce, he will have the children for some part of the time. When he has the children, he has the right to have the children around his family. You will have no say over this unless any of them commit some sort of criminal child abuse.

My ex's mother (son's grandmother) hated me. She bad mouthed me constantly, sometimes to my face; sometimes even to my son. Shoot, she was even pretty ugly to my son sometimes. She was an awful person. I could not prevent my ex (son's father) from taking our son to see her and even him having her babysit our son when my son with him.

What I did was to help my son learn how to deal with the ugly things that his grandmother would say. We talked about it. My son was very much aware of what was right and wrong from a very early age. By the time he was in kindergarten he would tell me what she would say and why it bothered him. We'd talk about it. He loved his grandmother but also knew that she was a difficult woman. He learned a lot about dealing with difficult people due to his relationship with her. She died from stomach cancer when my son was in 10th grade.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

Yes Ele, that is a healthy approach about things. I discussed that with my husband long before we separated that I would never be one of those women to keep my child from his family or him as long as he was safe and cared for. 

I understand what some are saying about the way that they treat me etc... but I have grown accustomed to that.

I have often thought about handling it the way you did with your son... just be open with mine and let them know that sadly not everyone has the heart or compassion that others do. 

As long as they do not disrespect me in front of the children, I have no issue with them being with their family but i certainly will not force that relationship either

Husbands Father and that side of the family has not once been to our home and as far as i know in the week and half that ive been with my dad have they been to visit him.. i think that will speak volumes to my children the older that they get.


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## dvsninja2 (May 2, 2019)

My wife and I have broken the relationship with my parents over much less. In your case it seems clear as day for me that your husband should have defended you, that time has now passed. If you get back together I feel like the only answer is to remove those connections from your life and focus on YOUR family together. I honestly hate to give this advice because this stuff has torn my marriage apart also, but people don't change. If your husband is a good man and treats you well, then you should just focus on the two of you.


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