# Confused and scared



## Seamus (Jun 7, 2009)

I have been married 7 years and have three children ages 6, 2.5, and 2.5. Recently my wife has told me that she had feelings for someone else. Although nothing has happened between the two of them she brought it to my attention because she was confused. We worked through that and she does not want to persue those feelings, we are having problems. We work conflicting schedules to minmize the cost of childcare, and Friday and Saturday night I work 3rd shift, rendering me a zombie on the weekends. Due to this our weekends are usually not very fun for anyone. She has wanted to move for a long time and also wanted me to change my schedule or find another job. I wanted to hold onto my job because I have 11 years at this point and it is a government job so it is very secure. I wish I would have agreed a long time ago because of what is going on now. I finally agreed to move, but she has told me that she doesn't want me to go with her because she had given up the idea of all of us going together and became emotionally detached from me. I want to work this out because I don't want our marriage to end. We are going to see a counselor Tuesday. She says she needs space and I want to give it to her, but I when I agree to give it to her, she asks for help with the children and I help, but then she says I am not listening to her request for space. I am confused and scared.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Seamus said:


> She says she needs space and I want to give it to her, but I when I agree to give it to her, she asks for help with the children and I help, but then she says I am not listening to her request for space. I am confused and scared.


Well, just to help with the confusion I would have her write down in very short, concise sentences what exactly she means when she says she needs space. i know you think its you, and that you're confused, but the thing is she's the one that is confused. that's why she sending you all these mixed signals. its not you. if she can write it down and you both have a copy then when things get confusing you can both go back and read it. Plus you can ask her quesitons when she gives it to you to make sure you understand what it is she's asking for. but the important thing is she'll understand exactly what she's asking for- which believe it or not she doesnt know either. Its not a blame game, its a 'lets make sure we understand each other' game.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

It appears to me she was asking you to move a long time and you ignored her "quiet" request, with various seemingly valid reasons for not moving (your career) until it came to the point you wife got "someone else to listen to her and see her needs as valid. Then she got scared she'd have an affair BECAUSE the person was GOOD to her and valued HER by showing it somehow.

What you failed to DO was LISTEN and ACT on her request to move (for a LONG time her requests have been coming) you failed to LISTEN and ACT on her request for you to change schedules or find another job. THIS was probably BECAUSE of missing YOU and family life. SO, because your actions were not those of a LISTENING and ACTING spouse (due to your need to feel you had a secure job and working future) which indicates to HER you CARE very much about her - she obviously wanted YOU more, or she'd not have asked for a new job and schedule. 

Personally, I think your family schedule life must be terrible...money is not the end all be all, especially with 2.5 yo TWINS and a six year old! Holy cow! It would be more realistic with such young children for EACH of you to work PART TIME or one of you be the breadwinner and have a real schedule.

If you are govt job (state, local??) for this long, am sure you can rustle up a govt job elsewhere...am THINKING Civil Service, FEDS?

What has happened, from my perspective, is that you two have little quality couple or family life. She is swimming in the mess and has been asking you for a life preserver for quite some time.

Of course she has told you she doesn't want you with her! You have let her DOWN and she is disgusted and TIRED of talking and you not listening.

I was in the EXACT position as your wife, five years ago. My spouse FINALLY listened when I got a real estate agent in the house to list the house. A sign was in the yard when he got home...I had been ASKING "nicely" for FIVE freaking years with valid FAMILY and MARRIAGE saving REASONS....

He says: "Oh, I didn't realize you really wanted to move..."

What did I need to do set off a nuclear explosion? 

She may also need "space" from the kids...the ages you have are a HUGE emotional and physical DRAIN...as you may well know; and MOST women take 75% of that drain....

old fashioned as it may sound....


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## Seamus (Jun 7, 2009)

You are right Sandy 55. I should have been listening. However, we have only been in this house for two years and we BOTH agreed on the location when we bought it and we were happy with the good school system. We moved here because she didn't like the commute from our previous home. For her it is a dream commute. She works about three miles from our home. My commute is already forty minutes. By moving to where she wants to move it would give her an hour commute and has a not as good school system. My commute would then be an hour and a half. Originally, I took the schedule that I have temporarily. I was going to change my hours when our son got into school. WE BOTH agreed that made sense. The twins would still need full time daycare if I changed my schedule. WE BOTH agreed that we wanted to raise our children, not let someone else raise them. I want to make her happy and I will move, but I think it will add more stress to an already stressful situation.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

So, you moved two years ago (the twins were, what six months old?) and she wants to move again? She wants to move to a place where she then has to commute an hour vs five minutes; your commute would go from 40 minutes to 1.5 hrs? 

Are you saying in your OP SHE wants to move again, and is saying she does not want you to move too???....on this new move??? 

Something ELSE is going on with her: 

A) Stress from the realization her plate is so full, but she is having conflicts about asking to go part time or stay home totally or SOMEthing...can't put my finger on it at this moment...could be mother at home vs working freedom and money...

B) OR it could be she truly hasn't worked out the "feelings" for this other person.

Counselor time.....   

PLEASE let her discuss openly if she can about the feelings issue. Another person is a GREAT escape from her full plate, her REAL life...she needs to be able to see YOU not over react, to see you understand HOW this could happen .

It probably isn't even a YOU issue, it is HER...feeling trapped, harried, confused by so many difficult issues: kids, jobs, commute times...

How old is she? Have you two been discussing more kids or anything like that? 

Counselor time for her, for sure.


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## Seamus (Jun 7, 2009)

I am mostly sure the other person is not an issue anymore, but only she knows for certain. I do care for her very much, and I don't want to lose her. She is a great woman and she has made me a better person as a whole. It wasn't until after I agreed to move that she said she didn't fit me into the moving plan. She says that she feels detached from me and does not know if she can reconnect with me. We are going to see a counselor Tuesday. I will honestly do just about anything to make this work, even quit my job and stay home with the kids. I am so scared because my gut instinct tells me that it's over, but I don't want to give up hope. She says she needs space and she needs some time to sort out her feelings and I want to give it to her, but I am conflicted because she is an emotional rollercoaster herself. One minute she wants to hold my hand and hug me and tell me she loves me, then the next she says I'm not listening to her request for space. Also, thanks for the replies. It really helps to get this out and have someone opine on the matter. 
She is 37 I am 34.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I understand why you are worried. I am sorry this is happening because I know how painful it can be to be in there living it. Having kids in the middle is hard too.

Just try to be patient and take each day one at a time. Be sure to try to get some exercise, walk, tennis or whatever helps you cope with stress building up.

Good luck Tuesday. I wish you both luck.


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