# Disappointing night



## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

First off, this might end up kind of long winded and scattered because I’m exhausted. Also, I have a tendency to be over dramatic so feel free to let me know if I’m being ridiculous. 

My husband thinks he’s kinky because he likes to role play (well, likes me to role play really)...but that’s pretty much all he likes. It’s all mental not actual physical kinky stuff, if that makes sense. If I were to say “Let’s do something different tonight” he would get excited and say “Ok! Who are you going to be?” And then we would proceed to have our normal, everyday sex only with me pretending to be someone else. 

Well, now that my drive is through the roof I’m having lots of fantasies and “kinks” that I want to try out. It’s the same stuff that I used to be into when we first got married (nothing super crazy but stuff like spanking, light bondage, hair pulling, light choking...just rougher stuff) before I started birth control and my sex drive took a nose dive. 
I’ve been telling him that I want to try more stuff in the bedroom and he agrees with me...but it doesn’t actually happen. It’s confusing. I was asking him a few days ago to try to think if there’s anything “different” that turns him on and he said he’d think on it. 

So last night I knew we weren’t going to have sex (we had sex the night before and he’s got an every other night rule) and I was fine with that. We had a good night and were laying in bed together cuddling and watching tv. Out of nowhere he tells me that he thought of something weird that turns him on while he was at work today.
Me (instantly aroused and butterflies in my tummy): What is it?
Him: I used to like watching videos where the woman is stuck somehow and the guy finds her and instead of helping her starts messing around with her and ****s her. 
Me (quickly thinking about all the places around the house that I’m planning on “getting stuck”): I could definitely be into that! Thank you so much for telling me. I love hearing about actual physical turn ons that I can do for you.

So then we are both horny and talking about stuff that turns us on. I’m on cloud 9. I tell him that sometimes I tie my own wrists together before I masturbate and he says that I’m a dirty little ****. Music to my ears!

Then this happens...
Him: You know what would be really hot? You should write down these dirty fantasies you have about being tied up and spanked and stuff and make stories for me to read and jerk off to.

Ok... Not really what I had in mind and kind of a let down. I say that I was more thinking about acting them out instead (shouldn’t that have been obvious?). He says that of course acting it out is better but he likes reading stories because then he can picture things however he wants. 
Ouch that hurt...but I let it slide.

Then he says “Why don’t you look up some porn with a woman getting stuck and we’ll watch it together right now and masturbate together since you said you’re interested in that.”
Now he’s done the impossible...I am no longer horny. I say I don’t want to and I can tell that he’s pissed because he thought he was going to get to watch porn. 

I say “I know you’re not meaning to hurt me and maybe you don’t mean it how I’m taking it, but you’re kind of hurting my feelings right now.” He says “Take it however you want.” And then turns away from me. 

We lay there quietly for several minutes trying to go to sleep. He finally says that he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings and I say I know he didn’t. We talk a little more and I tell him that it’s ok if he’s not into the same things I am. He denies that and says that he likes that stuff too. I ask why then do we never do anything and he blames it on having kids because he’s scared we’ll get loud and wake them up. I say that I can be quiet...then I realize that I’m practically begging him for sex and that felt awful. Now if he does anything I’ll just feel like it’s pity sex. 
We ended the night with him saying that he loves me and loves that I’m into this stuff...and then he went to sleep and I tossed and turned all night. 



What am I doing wrong here? Am I not being clear enough? Should I just give up and be happy with what I got? 
Last night when I couldn’t sleep I was seriously contemplating just going back on some sort of birth control to lower my drive back down. I feel like a freak and I keep getting my feelings hurt.

And because I’m sure you’re all wondering... I haven’t “let myself go”. I am fit and active. He is not. I don’t care. That’s how I married him.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

It seems that high drive and disappointment go hand in hand. Try and talk to him, not casual but deliberately. Tell him how you feel and how hurt you are. Maybe he'll listen and make some changes. Good luck

Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

If he's worried about the kids, why not arrange for the kids to stay with the grandparents one night. Then get home before him and be in bed wearing something you know will turn him on and tie or cuff yourself to the bed. Make sure that whatever you're wearing you don't care to much about since because you're cuffed to the bed he'll have to rip it off you. Stop talking about it and just try luring him into it, let's call it. He may very well be into all of it but that switch in his head hasn't been flipped yet.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

LeananSidhe said:


> What am I doing wrong here?


You are quickly setting your expectations way too high. Combined with arousal and hormones.... instead of cloud nine you will likely end up on cloud frustrated temper tantrum.

Your husband just shared something with you that he would find arousing, and perhaps you gleaned right over that because it did not meet up to your expectations. In the process you got upset which may have only served to shame his sexuality, which will do no good and only make things worse.

Ultimately you have to take responsibility for your own arousal. Take the initiative and you be the one that does something different that you know you might like with the purpose of sharing that with him. If you want him to dominate you... well you will likely have to dominate yourself and hope that he will play along. Eventually your spouse may get better at it, but everything different is a learning process. Expect failures, and try to learn from those failures instead of getting upset...

Easier said than done, we have all been there and will all be in those same shoes again from time to time if not too often. 

Regards,
Badsanta


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

AtMyEnd said:


> If he's worried about the kids, why not arrange for the kids to stay with the grandparents one night. Then get home before him and be in bed wearing something you know will turn him on and tie or cuff yourself to the bed. Make sure that whatever you're wearing you don't care to much about since because you're cuffed to the bed he'll have to rip it off you. Stop talking about it and just try luring him into it, let's call it. He may very well be into all of it but that switch in his head hasn't been flipped yet.


We don’t get many nights away from the kids. Maybe every few months. The last time we had time alone I was so excited for sex and telling him what I wanted and instead he rushed it and I didn’t even get to orgasm. He apologized as soon as it was over and helped me take care of myself but it was a major let down.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

peterrabbit said:


> It seems that high drive and disappointment go hand in hand. Try and talk to him, not casual but deliberately. Tell him how you feel and how hurt you are. Maybe he'll listen and make some changes. Good luck
> 
> Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


You are so right about that. I feel like a major b**** saying this but I almost miss being the lower drive partner. I mean, not really because I love that I love sex and I love that we are having lots of sex... but now I’m the sad one who’s worried about being turned down it it kinda sucks. Lol. 
Maybe it’s karma.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If I’m reading this correctly the gist of your story is that your husband would rather masturbate than have sex with you.
Is that correct?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

peterrabbit said:


> It seems that high drive and disappointment go hand in hand. Try and talk to him, not casual but deliberately. *Tell him how you feel and how hurt you are.* Maybe he'll listen and make some changes. Good luck
> 
> Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


Generally speaking, complaining to your spouse about the quality of sex will be counterproductive. Unless the spouse happens to be into role play and you are playing the part of a frustrated-mature-next-door cougar that was best friends with his mom. ...then you can unload your frustrations on him, perhaps tie him up, and teach him a lesson or two! 

Bad,
Badsanta


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Badsanta is speaking the truth


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Hmm...you two sound like you could have a very exciting sex life if not for one thing...he's been conditioned to expect things his way and your availability and willingness to go along have reinforced this dynamic. He might be a wonderful husband and person but there's definitely selfishness and maybe even entitlement here that's probably developed over time and is now his norm. He probably doesn't even realize why he offended you. TBH what he's suggesting could be hot but not in this unbalanced relationship.

Definitely time for some open communication. And as tough as it might be to resist try not to reinforce selfish behavior. Maybe agree to have a "his turn" "my turn" alternating approach where you are free to tell and show him what you want and your fantasies and he agrees to give effort. His reward for paying attention to your needs is you enthusiastically paying attention to his.

Best of luck!


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> If I’m reading this correctly the gist of your story is that your husband would rather masturbate than have sex with you.
> Is that correct?


That’s how it makes me feel in the moment and why my feelings were so hurt...but if I’m being honest (and now that I’m calmer) I doubt that’s really true. We have sex a lot. We’ve had sex 6 times this past week and that was with him having a cold and being tired. So he probably was just trying to have a night off and be lazy but I let it hurt my feelings because I got excited about finally trying something new.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

BigDigg said:


> Hmm...you two sound like you could have a very exciting sex life if not for one thing...he's been conditioned to expect things his way and your availability and willingness to go along have reinforced this dynamic. He might be a wonderful husband and person but there's definitely selfishness and maybe even entitlement here that's probably developed over time and is now his norm. He probably doesn't even realize why he offended you. TBH what he's suggesting could be hot but not in this unbalanced relationship.
> 
> Definitely time for some open communication. And as tough as it might be to resist try not to reinforce selfish behavior. Maybe agree to have a "his turn" "my turn" alternating approach where you are free to tell and show him what you want and your fantasies and he agrees to give effort. His reward for paying attention to your needs is you enthusiastically paying attention to his.
> 
> Best of luck!


I think you may have hit the nail on the head here. When we were younger and both higher drive (before kids and BC) we tried more things because I wanted to. Then when my drive went down it became more about just doing whatever he wanted because it was easier and I didn’t have fantasies anyway. 
Now I’m back to having these wants but he’s accustomed to everything being about him. Just a few days ago I was in the middle of making lunch for the kids and he called me into the bathroom to jerk off on my tits. I gladly obliged him. The rest of the day he teased me about “getting mine” later and then at bedtime said he was too tired for anything and went to sleep. A year ago I probably would have been thankful...instead I snuck out to the couch to get myself off and felt like a complete loser.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> That’s how it makes me feel in the moment and why my feelings were so hurt...but if I’m being honest (and now that I’m calmer) I doubt that’s really true. We have sex a lot. We’ve had sex 6 times this past week and that was with him having a cold and being tired. So he probably was just trying to have a night off and be lazy but I let it hurt my feelings because I got excited about finally trying something new.


If I live to be a thousand (And so far so good) I will never understand why a man would prefer to watch porn and/or masturbate than have sex with a willing partner.
You have been letting him have his own way for too long,maybe you still feel guilty from when you had no sex drive.It’s time he put in some effort and you need to let him know this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It may be as mentioned, there's no firm direction to him. Prepare your fantasy and tell him the kids are away, let's do this and this now. When time and a good circumstance exist.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

Are you saying that when you have sex it's not satisfying or is the porn is bothering you or the rejection when you're in the mood is the problem?

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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

peterrabbit said:


> Are you saying that when you have sex it's not satisfying or is the porn is bothering you or the rejection when you're in the mood is the problem?
> 
> Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


He doesn’t watch porn anymore. It’s a long story (I can explain if I need to) but he had a problem with porn that caused a lot of fights and so he asked me to put a block on his phone. We don’t have an actual computer anymore. 
But he obviously loves it and misses it. He was hard and ready to go last night when he thought he was going to talk me into watching it with him but as soon as I said no he went limp and got angry. 
The porn itself doesn’t bother me but him wanting to watch it so bad brings up negative feelings for me. 

The sex is normally satisfying...I’d just like to try some different stuff sometimes. He’s a good lover and normally thoughtful. He usually gives me 1 or 2 orgasms before he has his. But it’s always pretty much the same. Even when we do something “crazy” like anal, it’s the exact same foreplay and then the exact same position every single time. 

The rejection sucks big time. But I know I’m being a big baby about that because it doesn’t happen often.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ugh!!!

Send your husband here, to this thread so we can educate him.

I'm the high drive partner in my marriage but we are fortune because I am dominant, she is submissive and has a mostly reactive drive.

Maybe you could dominate him?

I know that doesn't trip your trigger and I feel your frustration. I kind of want to smack your loving hubby or give him some barbarian testosterone!


Write a story so he can whack off?!?!??!!?

I'm going to go kill something or beat the hell out of the heavy bag now....maybe both....


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> Ugh!!!
> 
> Send your husband here, to this thread so we can educate him.
> 
> ...


Ha! This made me laugh so thank you. 🙂


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I know it wasn't what you wanted to hear, but perhaps it's a legitimate fantasy of his to masturbate with you? Or masturbate in front of you? If you did this, would that lead him to start doing more of the things that you fantasize about? Kind of wondering if this is a tit-for-tat thing where he wants you to do one of his fantasies before he does one of yours.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

BigToe said:


> I know it wasn't what you wanted to hear, but perhaps it's a legitimate fantasy of his to masturbate with you? Or masturbate in front of you? If you did this, would that lead him to start doing more of the things that you fantasize about? Kind of wondering if this is a tit-for-tat thing where he wants you to do one of his fantasies before he does one of yours.


We do it frequently. At least once a week we have mutual masturbation nights and just lay in bed together and do it. Usually I talk dirty to him about whatever his fantasy is at the moment (threesome with me and someone we know, banging his old high school teacher...whatever turns him on in that moment). Just a few days ago he called me into the bathroom so he could jerk off on my tits. 
I used to let him shove me under the computer desk and **** me while he looked at porn and basically just use me as a toy.

I have literally done every single sexual thing he’s ever asked me to.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

LeananSidhe said:


> What am I doing wrong here?


Trying to have a satisfying sex life (for you) with your current husband. He isn't capable of satisfying you. Isn't capable of compromising with you. He isn't capable of empathizing with you. He doesn't want what you want. Not for himself. Not to make you happy. He doesn't want it. And he doesn't want to want it.

The only thing you are doing wrong is staying with him and thinking it will ever be different.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

I'm thinking he sees your refusal to watch porn as a rejection, this is obviously still an issue between you two and deep open conversation is needed. Both of you have fragile emotions right now. 

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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Your concern as expressed in this thread makes so much sense in light of your other thread. 

In you other thread, you expressed concern that your high level of desire might be overly burdensome on your husband. While most of the guys reading that are thinking you are the glowing unicorn who farts rainbows and wishing they had your husband's problem, we struggle to think of ways to help you in your situation... because it is so foreign to us!

Then in this thread, we learn that your husband is still willing to go another round... but by his own hand? I understand that this ban be rather crushing on two levels. First, a preference for masturbation over physical contact with each other can't help but feel like a rejection. Second, this is compounded by the fact that you've been eating at yourself with concern about overtaxing him... and then it turns out he's not overtaxed at all, but ready to do it some more... just kind of separately.

All that said, just as I'm deeply sympathetic to your situation... much more so even than before, I'm also at a loss to understand your husband's latest input. In mitigation, I would consider the following: maybe he's just reached a point where he thinks you can take care of yourself better than he can. We men can forget that sex is as much about the connection/togetherness/intimacy than it is about the orgasm. Thus, we can fall into the trap of thinking that, so long as you're getting off, it's all good. He may actually feel like he's being extra supportive by showing support for you being able to indulge a few fantasies. 

Or maybe he's just being a damn fool who doesn't know he's married to a rainbow-farting unicorn. Hard to say from a distance. I wish you the best in being able to talk this through with him in hopes of coming to a mutually satisfying resolution.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

LeananSidhe said:


> He doesn’t watch porn anymore. It’s a long story (I can explain if I need to) but he had a problem with porn that caused a lot of fights and so he asked me to put a block on his phone. We don’t have an actual computer anymore.
> But he obviously loves it and misses it. He was hard and ready to go last night when he thought he was going to talk me into watching it with him but as soon as I said no he went limp and got angry.
> The porn itself doesn’t bother me but him wanting to watch it so bad brings up negative feelings for me.


One of the biggest problems with porn is that when problems in a relationship occur it is seen as a scapegoat. All the problems are blamed on porn and all the household porn is set on fire and tossed off the side of a cliff in a celebration that all the problems are gone... ...but the problems are likely still there. 

If your husband likes porn, you probably just shamed the crap out of his sexuality. You have also placed yourself as the one in control of it since he sought your approval to just be himself again and you denied that. He also asked you to write stories for him which is perhaps a healthy substitute for porn and you got upset about that too.

WTF?......

Your husband wants to desire sex and you. *Desire needs distance! Desire needs patience! Desire needs to be cultivated and nurtured.* If you are going to take away his porn, block his phone, throw out any computer in the house.... you have to give him _something_ that says, "I care about you and want you to enjoy desiring me!" That something has to allow him to be curious and fantasize on his own before bringing his desire into the bedroom as something that will be exciting to share. Otherwise you are demanding that he come to the bedroom as a blank canvas still wet with a fresh coat of primer you put down by taking away anything that he uses for self stimulation/exploration. 

In my opinion self stimulation/exploration is a critical part of an active libido. Take that away an you deactivate the libido. It is possible that self stimulation/exploration can result in a couple growing apart, and this occurs when someone is "shamed" for just being themselves.

*SHAME* is probably the number one cause of problems related to one's sexuality. If your husband likes porn, you need to be accepting of his desire to do that even if you disagree and have issues with porn itself. 

Work with him to find something other than porn. He asked you to write him some stories. Sorry you don't like homework assignments, but you might want to seriously do that for him to help nurture his desire for you. Also sounds like the ideal ways for you to spell out some fun things you want him to try with you and allow him to fantasize about it on his own.

Big sigh,
Badsanta


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

peterrabbit said:


> I'm thinking he sees your refusal to watch porn as a rejection, this is obviously still an issue between you two and deep open conversation is needed. Both of you have fragile emotions right now.
> 
> Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


So I should do yet another thing that he wants to do so he won’t feel rejected? While he’s rejecting me? 

I’m not trying to sound sarcastic but surely you can see where that would be frustrating.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Got it. Give him back all the porn and the stories I wrote him and then we can go back to him telling the kids they can sleep with mommy every night so he can stay up and jerk off. Once a week when he decides he wants to **** me his **** can go back to being numb from jerking it morning and night and he won’t feel anything. Sounds like a plan. Back on birth control it is.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

Not saying to give in, just speculating on why he reacted the way he did. Read bad Santa's post, he made it clear

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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Sorry. I’m super emotional about this and it’s hard for me to be fair to my husband when I’m feeling this way. He’s a good husband, a good lover, and we are currently having sex often.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

I think you really need to step back and ask yourself why you're not satisfied with all the sex you two are having. 

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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

No..OP is correct. She is asking politely for her lover to pay attention to HER needs. And she most graphically listed all the stuff she does for him...So I think she is correct. Mr. Bull in China shop needs to shut down and patiently listen to her. And then respond to HER. Not the other way around.


The reason sex in marriage is SO fulfilling is the amount of trust in one's partner, along with the sharing between 2 partners. Mutual masturbation is just that! Masturbation....A solo act. It's okay to change things up, but as long as both partners are along for the ride. To me, it sounds like OP is giving hubby a ticket for the ride and he takes off without her. That not cool. 

Now, if I could put all of what OP does into my wife's mind...I'd be off to the races! But then again....I would be forever late going to work. lol


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Ugh!!!
> 
> Send your husband here, to this thread so we can educate him.
> 
> ...


 @ConanHub

Hey... the dude has some issues with porn. Asking for his wife to write a story is his way to ask for "help" with his continued struggle to let go of porn. 

Yes I know that sounds problematic with a spouse right there that is ready, willing, and chomping at the bit for intimacy...

...I remember one poster here that had this exact same problem. She discovered that instead of watching porn together that she could seductively describe a porn scene she claimed to have watched (even though she didn't watch anything and was just making stuff up). She did this once when her husband had zero desire for sex and he got so aroused that she freaked out about and fussed at him for still being into porn and not her. She was perhaps blind to the fact that there was no one else there except the two of them and it was "her" story that she was making up that jolted a lightning bolt of excitement into her husband.

Badsanta


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

badsanta said:


> One of the biggest problems with porn is that when problems in a relationship occur it is seen as a scapegoat. All the problems are blamed on porn and all the household porn is set on fire and tossed off the side of a cliff in a celebration that all the problems are gone... ...but the problems are likely still there.
> 
> If your husband likes porn, you probably just shamed the crap out of his sexuality. You have also placed yourself as the one in control of it since he sought your approval to just be himself again and you denied that. He also asked you to write stories for him which is perhaps a healthy substitute for porn and you got upset about that too.
> 
> ...


But there's a very different dynamic here at this point in time. 

I'm not in the "Porn is inherently shameful" camp, but I am definitely of the mind that it is a HUGE problem when it is used in lieu of partner intimacy, physical or emotional. 

We usually say that porn may be a valid option if:
1. Spouse isn't/can't/refuses to put out
2. If it is done together as part of a mutually agreed upon part of a well rounded sex life in which the primary focus still remains on each other.

But that's not the problem here... actually quite the opposite. It's one thing for a guy with a frigid wife to turn to porn, but when she's the one setting the pace... well, then using porn is the very last thing he should be doing. 

No, a return to that particular vice at this particular point in time is the very opposite of a proper prescription for this couple. 

And I'm sure every man who has been shamed for porn by an unresponsive wife would agree wholeheartedly, and furthermore, double down on the assertion that this guy has what most men dream of and any thought of porn at this time unfathomable.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> And I'm sure every man who has been shamed for porn by an unresponsive wife would agree wholeheartedly, and furthermore, double down on the assertion that this guy has what most men dream of and any thought of porn at this time unfathomable.


100% of my current sex life consists of porn and masturbation. If my wife suggested I cut down on porn or masturbation (which, to her credit, she would not do because she recognizes that she is not holding up her end of the sex aspect of marriage), I would give her a choice of which window to jump out of (well, from among the ones high enough above the ground to actually hurt). And yet, as you correctly predicted, I agree wholeheartedly that this guy is an idiot and should eliminate the porn and masturbation unless and until his wife is satisfied with their sex life.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@badsanta

Dude needs to start powerlifting and building up some testy test.

I'm not sympathetic to guys who want to keep a porn addiction at the expense of their wives.

That is what is happening here.

OP bends over backwards. Hubby owns this panzy ass ****.

If he was filling his end of the bill, I would have no problem with his request for erotic stories from his wife.

As is, the boy has some work to do.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

OP - have you typically been submissive to him that would allow him to think that this kind of interaction is what you enjoy?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It honestly sounds as if your husband has simply gotten far too used to your sex life being all about him. He views you as a toy, a masturbatory aid, a sexual device, but maybe isn't actually connecting with _you_ on a meaningful level through sex. So, when you discuss sex, he's very focused on his own wants and needs, and it maybe doesn't occur to him to focus on yours. It may not even really occur to him that you can, should, _do_ have needs of your own which are separate from his. You mention your desires, and his mind immediately goes to what would be most pleasing _for him_ about whatever you've just said. What might be most pleasing to you really doesn't seem to enter into his thought process. And I suspect it's because you've spent so long allowing him to create a sexual world in which he is the star and you are basically a prop. 

You've taken the place of porn for him. Notice that I'm not saying that _a mutually enjoyable and connected sex life with you_ has taken the place of porn, but rather that you have taken the place of porn. He's substituting using you - your body, your words, your writings - for kicks, over using digital media for kicks. You serve a utility function, rather than enjoy a mutual sharing. 

How often would he be happy to satisfy you sexually, with no expectation of return? He got off on your chest the other day, with no real intention of reciprocating - only teasing that was never fulfilled. Would he happily get called in from doing some necessary chore, give you an orgasm, and return to what he was doing without expecting to get a sexual favor in return? If that wouldn't fly with him, maybe you should be asking yourself - and him - why not. Does his level of sexual generosity, and his interesting in pleasing his partner, match your own?


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> @badsanta
> 
> Dude needs to start powerlifting and building up some testy test.
> 
> ...


To be specific, the moment she had to get involved and lock his phone was the moment it became obvious there was an imbalance in the relationship. 

Put plainly, only addicts can't walk away from something for the marriage betterment and need their spouse to step in. 

As a result, I have a smidge of empathy for his reaction. He started to have hope he could have his next addiction kick. But alas, poor him, the boundary remains. 

There is a difference between being tapped and tuckered out. And then playing the, "for my masturbation" card.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

BigDigg said:


> OP - have you typically been submissive to him that would allow him to think that this kind of interaction is what you enjoy?


I’m not generally submissive in our day to day life (like financial and parenting decisions) but I would say I’m normally submissive in the bedroom. When we are having sex he normally chooses the positions and moves me around wherever he wants me. Every time he’s done something “rougher” than normal I’ve reacted in pleasure and afterwards I’ll tell him how hot I thought it was. I’m not sure how much clearer I can make it than actually saying “I think it’s super hot when you do this and this and I’d love it if you did it more.” Which is what I’ve said several times...and he agrees that it’s sexy but then never does it. I almost feel like as soon as I say I like something he stops doing it. Which is crazy. Right??


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Rowan said:


> It honestly sounds as if your husband has simply gotten far too used to your sex life being all about him. He views you as a toy, a masturbatory aid, a sexual device, but maybe isn't actually connecting with _you_ on a meaningful level through sex. So, when you discuss sex, he's very focused on his own wants and needs, and it maybe doesn't occur to him to focus on yours. It may not even really occur to him that you can, should, _do_ have needs of your own which are separate from his. You mention your desires, and his mind immediately goes to what would be most pleasing _for him_ about whatever you've just said. What might be most pleasing to you really doesn't seem to enter into his thought process. And I suspect it's because you've spent so long allowing him to create a sexual world in which he is the star and you are basically a prop.
> 
> You've taken the place of porn for him. Notice that I'm not saying that _a mutually enjoyable and connected sex life with you_ has taken the place of porn, but rather that you have taken the place of porn. He's substituting using you - your body, your words, your writings - for kicks, over using digital media for kicks. You serve a utility function, rather than enjoy a mutual sharing.
> 
> How often would he be happy to satisfy you sexually, with no expectation of return? He got off on your chest the other day, with no real intention of reciprocating - only teasing that was never fulfilled. Would he happily get called in from doing some necessary chore, give you an orgasm, and return to what he was doing without expecting to get a sexual favor in return? If that wouldn't fly with him, maybe you should be asking yourself - and him - why not. Does his level of sexual generosity, and his interesting in pleasing his partner, match your own?


That’s the weird thing. He does like pleasing me. He loves to perform oral sex on me and gives me multiple orgasms. He takes pride in it.... But I’m having a bit of a lightbulb moment. I think maybe you’re right. He pleases me on his terms doing what he likes to do. 

We did talk about him just giving me oral sometimes since he gets a whole “blow job week” when I’m on my period. He did it a couple times but hasn’t since (without anything in return) and that was probably 3-4 months ago.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

LeananSidhe said:


> I almost feel like as soon as I say I like something he stops doing it. Which is crazy. Right??


Well...there might not be a super insightful answer for your husband into why he behaves the way he does. I think selfish is the most appropriate term. He's probably used to self-pleasuring and porn and getting gratification however he wants it when he wants it. Not blaming you but you've never been disgusted enough to push back and now he probably assumes he can treat you however he wants. Old habits die hard and tough to change behavior. Added complexity is his past addictions and likelihood of just relapsing again or simply preferring it to the real thing. 

Outside of your needs (high-drive) why do you think it is that you've never pulled back from him or drawn lines? How do you feel after you've been used like this?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

LeananSidhe said:


> That’s the weird thing. He does like pleasing me. He loves to perform oral sex on me and gives me multiple orgasms. He takes pride in it.... But I’m having a bit of a lightbulb moment. I think maybe you’re right. He pleases me on his terms doing what he likes to do.
> 
> *We did talk about him just giving me oral sometimes since he gets a whole “blow job week” when I’m on my period.* He did it a couple times but hasn’t since (without anything in return) and that was probably 3-4 months ago.


Don't do this any more.

Stay tuned. I have a feeling @FrenchFry is going to have some pithy things to say.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> @badsanta
> 
> Dude needs to start powerlifting and building up some testy test.
> 
> ...


OMG that reminds me of an episode of "The League" where one of the husbands is doing a grueling workout to build muscle. There is a TV going with some porn in the background and he claims to one of his buddies that this is the ONLY time his wife gives him permission to watch porn (during a workout)! 

Perhaps that is the solution. 

Badsanta


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

badsanta said:


> OMG that reminds me of an episode of "The League" where one of the husbands is doing a grueling workout to build muscle. There is a TV going with some porn in the background and he claims to one of his buddies that this is the ONLY time his wife gives him permission to watch porn (during a workout)!
> 
> Perhaps that is the solution.
> 
> Badsanta


LOL!!>


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

LeananSidhe said:


> First off, this might end up kind of long winded and scattered because I’m exhausted. Also, I have a tendency to be over dramatic so feel free to let me know if I’m being ridiculous.
> 
> My husband thinks he’s kinky because he likes to role play (well, likes me to role play really)...but that’s pretty much all he likes. It’s all mental not actual physical kinky stuff, if that makes sense. If I were to say “Let’s do something different tonight” he would get excited and say “Ok! Who are you going to be?” And then we would proceed to have our normal, everyday sex only with me pretending to be someone else.
> 
> ...


You have done nothing wrong. 

I think, and emphasize think, that you need to have a calm talk, when it is not a sex night, and there are no distractions, and get really honest about what you want. 

I think he is being a little tone deaf and I don't know why, but sometimes men can be stupid and you have to be very clear about things. 

Your desires are pretty standard, and should be met. 

But I disagree that you should have to put up with every other night. Now maybe it is just me, and maybe I am weird, but I have a sex on "demand" rule which mean that my GF gets sex whenever she wants it, and however many times a day that she wants it. I find it makes things simpler. I expect the same from her, and she has the right to expect that from me. 

So I have to either be sick or dead in order for me to not meet her needs. 

As far as the small BDSM things that you want, completely standard stuff. And while I is not a natural thing for me, I am happy to do all those things for her, whenever she wants it. 

I think you have to find a way to talk in concrete terms to your H and I am sure that he will get it...


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Just to make it clear... I don’t have a problem with him occasionally masturbating. I get it. Sometimes it’s quicker and easier to do it yourself. I am almost constantly walking around horny and rub one out at least once a day. I have sent him dirty pictures and videos of myself to jerk off to. I have a video of him jerking off on my phone right now that I use to get myself off.

It just hurt that I was right there next to him telling him what I wanted to him to do and it seemed like he was into it and I was so excited but then instead he basically said he’d rather jerk off. It was just such a let down. 
And I really don’t know how much clearer I can make it for him. I literally raised my voice to him last night and half yelled “I don’t want to watch someone else have kinky sex! I want to be the one actually getting ****ed!” I don’t see how he could take that any other way...

Also, I don’t know why we’ve gone so long just doing what he wants. Maybe because he’s my only real sex experience? We met young and I had very limited and not pleasant experience. I didn’t have any real likes or dislikes. He taught me everything. After a little while I started branching out more and wanting different stuff in the bedroom and he did entertain it for awhile. He used to do some of what I wanted. But then we started doing the role playing fantasies that he had and that became all he wanted to do. If he says “kinky sex” he means me role playing as someone else. It’s the only definition now. Then when I went on BC and my drive lowered I quit asking for the stuff I liked because I didn’t care as much anymore. 

And I truly do love pleasing him. I don’t mind doing most things he wants to do. I just wish he’d pay attention to what I want sometimes too. But now I’m worried it’s too late because if he does it now I’ll think it’s only because I nagged him and that will completely ruin it for me.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Is it possible to plant fantasies? Like if I did write him some dirty stories about what I want and let him jerk off to it, would that make him think of it more and want to act it out? Or sent him porn clips of stuff I’d like?

I’m just worried that it would backfire and instead of wanting to actually do it with me, he’d just ask for more stories and porn.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

LeananSidhe said:


> Is it possible to plant fantasies? Like if I did write him some dirty stories about what I want and let him jerk off to it, would that make him think of it more and want to act it out? Or sent him porn clips of stuff I’d like?
> 
> I’m just worried that it would backfire and instead of wanting to actually do it with me, he’d just ask for more stories and porn.


Given his history, I'd be very concerned about this backfiring. You write a great story and he jerks to it .... aaaaaaaaand he's satisfied. Nothing left for you. Or if he's not satisfied, either he'll want more stories, again rather than you. 

If you were to go the story route, it should be a story you two could actually act out, and the condition would be that that's exactly what you do rather than him jerking to it. 

I would think even a porn connoisseur would prefer to take place in a fantasy rather than just masturbate to it. This may be of little consolation to you in your relationship, but I'll repeat that everything you say makes you seem more and more like an absolute dream wife to many of the guys on this site. It's not just that you're HD, but also that you're being so understanding of your husband, and working so hard to find ways to incorporate HIM into your sex life.

I know if my wife wrote me a fantasy to act out, even if it wasn't my own personal fantasy, I'd be beyond thrilled, and most thoroughly and wholeheartedly engaged in bringing it to fruition and making it everything she could possibly have dreamed of.


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

LeananSidhe said:


> Is it possible to plant fantasies? Like if I did write him some dirty stories about what I want and let him jerk off to it, would that make him think of it more and want to act it out? Or sent him porn clips of stuff I’d like?
> 
> *I’m just worried that it would backfire* and instead of wanting to actually do it with me, he’d just ask for more stories and porn.


In the world of mismatched desires, everything backfires!

The challenge is to really think through a situation so that when something eventually backfires, that you end up actually getting what you wanted! 

For example... if you want your husband to be more aggressive, tell him that you want something slow, sensual, and gentle. Insist that he should not even get aroused and that he should just focus just on you. Tell him he can't have anything. Tease the f'ing crap out of him. and A) he will focus his attention on pleasing you or B) he will loose control and just get aggressive and have to have it.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Between the frequent role playing and you talking about whatever fantasy he's into at the moment involving other people (you mentioned group sex) when does he have sex with just you? It kind of seems like he's using your body while his mind is elsewhere. Maybe that's the disconnect. He's not having sex with you, he's having sex with whatever fantasy is playing in his mind.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> Between the frequent role playing and you talking about whatever fantasy he's into at the moment involving other people (you mentioned group sex) when does he have sex with just you? It kind of seems like he's using your body while his mind is elsewhere. Maybe that's the disconnect. He's not having sex with you, he's having sex with whatever fantasy is playing in his mind.


We don’t do the role playing very much anymore. I just brought it up to show what his definition of “kinky” is. We used to do it a lot but it got to where he was asking for it all the time and acting disappointed if I didn’t want to, which was hurtful to me. So I stopped it for a long time. 
Recently I’ve brought it back but with restrictions... He can’t ask for it, it’s got to be my idea and I get to pick the scenario (to make sure I’m comfortable with it). I also have been reserving it for those nights when we have sex but I want it again. So we’ve already had sex and I use the role playing thing to get another round out of him. 

I don’t mind doing it this way (not very often and on my terms). It’s his thing but I enjoy it too. I just wish he cared more about what I’m into as well.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

@LeananSidhe

I know how hurtful it can be to get rejected like that - especially if you've gotten your hopes up. 

Since I think you two in general have a reasonable sex life (which you would like to be better), I hope you can talk things out.

Kinkiness can be a real issue because what seems hot to one person can seem stupid or even offensive to another. I've gotten the "why would you want to do that" response - which hurts like a slap in the face. (though a few nights ago she did some things that I had asked for long ago and it was really nice, so I'm happy right now...)

I think the key is to work out balance. 

If he (for whatever reason) thinks watching porn and masturbating with you is hot, then OK, BUT, next time its your turn. If you want him to tie you up throw you over the sofa give you a good spanking then fck you hard (or whatever your fantasy happens to be) then you get to do that. 

btw: by "next time' I really mean *next* time, not "sometime" that might never happen. 

The idea is that each of you tries to satisfy the other's fantasy - assuming it is not actively painful or seriously degrading. That its OK if one of you isn't particularly into it - though most people enjoy things that really turn on their partners. Over time you may find that there are things that both of you really enjoy. 


Still its possible for both of you to want to do "kinky" thinks, but have completely different ideas of what sort of "kinky" is fun.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

LeananSidhe said:


> We do it frequently. At least once a week we have mutual masturbation nights and just lay in bed together and do it. Usually I talk dirty to him about whatever his fantasy is at the moment (threesome with me and someone we know, banging his old high school teacher...whatever turns him on in that moment). Just a few days ago he called me into the bathroom so he could jerk off on my tits.
> *I used to let him shove me under the computer desk and **** me while he looked at porn and basically just use me as a toy.*
> 
> I have literally done every single sexual thing he’s ever asked me to.


This has to be the saddest and most demeaning thing I have read on TAM - and there have been some doozies. Your so-called husband doesn't even regard you as a human being and you don't even regard yourself as a person - just a hole. 

You seem to be rather obsessed with sex - damn, it sure sounds more like a job than a loving act. Have you thought about cutting back on the circus atmosphere and getting back to making love? Do the two of you know the difference?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

LeananSidhe said:


> I just wish he cared more about what I’m into as well.


Generally speaking in the world of mismatched desires:



> *The one who cares the least has all the power*


We all like to think that if a person has a very active libido and this person is the one motivated to make things happen, well at least being the one to put in all the energy and effort should also be rewarded.... well that is not the case. It is usually the person with a lower desire or that cares less that gets all the rewards and all the power. 

Yet you set boundaries on porn, which are likely healthy. But this should not be seen as having power, but more so as having to take responsibility for your partner's issues. Once again he is rewarded for perhaps engaging himself in a healthier lifestyle. 

So how do you actually get control of the situation and get him to care? You will have to work on your self confidence! Then your husband will become powerless because you will no longer just arbitrarily give him the power over your sexuality. The big drawback to that is that you will have to nurture his self confidence as well, but hey, you'll get to control what he gets to feel confident about! ...and hopefully that will be him learning to care about you. 

Regards,
Badsanta


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

uhtred said:


> @LeananSidhe
> 
> I know how hurtful it can be to get rejected like that - especially if you've gotten your hopes up.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the helpful post. 

We DO have a good sex life now. I didn’t post this this really to complain about what we have now...I’d just like to add more of my own kinks into it. 
I really think that he’s just used to doing things a certain way. I know it turns him on to hear about what I like so maybe if I keep letting him know, he’ll slowly start incorporating it in.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > We do it frequently. At least once a week we have mutual masturbation nights and just lay in bed together and do it. Usually I talk dirty to him about whatever his fantasy is at the moment (threesome with me and someone we know, banging his old high school teacher...whatever turns him on in that moment). Just a few days ago he called me into the bathroom so he could jerk off on my tits.
> ...


You’re way off on all of that.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I had a bunch of individual replies planned but something went wrong and now I don't care to rewrite it all. The gist is this:

Porn is still a huge factor in your relationship. It's insidious. Even though your husband no longer watches it (that you know of), the attitude he demonstrates towards sex is still heavily influenced by it. Turning off the porn hasn't turned off what it taught him about sexuality.

Porn teaches:
- women are objects to be used for the entertainment of men, their feelings don't matter
- men don't need to put effort into a woman's pleasure, it comes naturally as a side effect of the man's pleasure
- sex is about wild adventure and bizarre scenarios, not intimacy and emotional connection
- selfishness

And sadly, you have reinforced this with some of your actions:
- prioritizing his pleasure over yours, and over any sense of reciprocity
- being available whenever he wants, no matter how inconvenient
- asking about his fantasies and how you can meet them
- encouraging sex without intimacy or connection
- permitting him to treat you as a masturbation tool rather than an equal partner

He's become selfish - it's easier for him to masturbate to porn than it is to please you. It's less effort, less pressure, more relaxing, etc. Even when you describe him doing something for you, it doesn't seem to come from a place of generosity; it sounds like he's doing it because it shuts you up, or because it's the price of admission for him getting something. Since you have both eliminated porn from your relationship, he's just trying to substitute you for it. He's not treating you like a sex 'partner.' He's treating you as a woman in a porno. I don't think the way out of this is to indulge him and behave like one. He needs to change his thinking, and to do that, he has to WANT to change his thinking. There has to be a benefit to him.

Dan Savage says a sex partner should be good, giving and game (GGG). You're bending over backwards to be all three for him without getting any reciprocity. I can't find a link to his original article describing the concept, but see what articles/podcast you can find, and show it to him. Not in a critical way, but in a this-is-interesting-what-do-you-think way.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

LeananSidhe said:


> Just to make it clear... I don’t have a problem with him occasionally masturbating. I get it. Sometimes it’s quicker and easier to do it yourself. I am almost constantly walking around horny and rub one out at least once a day. I have sent him dirty pictures and videos of myself to jerk off to. I have a video of him jerking off on my phone right now that I use to get myself off.
> 
> It just hurt that I was right there next to him telling him what I wanted to him to do and it seemed like he was into it and I was so excited but then instead he basically said he’d rather jerk off. It was just such a let down.
> And I really don’t know how much clearer I can make it for him. I literally raised my voice to him last night and half yelled “I don’t want to watch someone else have kinky sex! I want to be the one actually getting ****ed!” I don’t see how he could take that any other way...
> ...



I wanted to put an idea out there for you but it's a bit involved. It involves how the brain works. 

The brain is a set of neural pathways. These pathways make up how we think, how we react and perceive the world. They are literally maps or roadways where, when you have a thought, smell a smell, hear a sound, see or experience anything, these pathways send out a set of signals that cause us to determine what we do and how we perceive what is happening. Okay, stay with me or tell me to shut up because you already know this...

Anyway, to get to the point about sex, when it comes to getting turned on or getting off, we condition ourselves over time to react based on the strongest set of pathways we are accustomed to using. (This applies to anything we think, do or how we react but right now we are just talking about sex.)

So, with regard to sex, if your husband or you have conditioned your pathways to choose certain routes, then you will most quickly and easily go to those pathways of thought. The more you and your husband - or, let's just talk about your husband - the more he uses the pathways he likes regarding porn images or sexual thoughts or the kinky fantasies, the more that's what he will want to do. The more you use the same pathways, the more ingrained they become and the harder it is to want to do something different.

The good news is that these neural pathways are not permanent. They actually are moveable. So, a person can change their turn ons by actively pursuing other turn ons. There IS resistance to doing this, though, because it takes effort to make the changes. The reason it takes efforts is that the set neural pathways are like ruts in a muddy road - they are deep and strong. But, STILL, the changes CAN take place. You have to KNOW that they can change and you have to try and be motivated to change them.

The reason I know this is because, when my husband was working overseas, I didn't have a sex physical sex partner, obviously, so I had to masturbate (so did he) and both he and I developed some habitual thinking about sex that became really ingrained. I got accustomed to masturbating, for instance, in a prone position and he got used to masturbating to any number of fantasy women. We both incorporated porn. 

When we were back together again permanently, we had a helluva time getting readjusted to having sex together again. We had to re-learn to think about sex differently. Boy, did we have problems!

I had to learn to have an orgasm again without a vibrator and I got really scared I wouldn't be able to do it because vibrators are so strong and sex with a live partner is so completely different. He had to stop cruising for fantasy partners and focus his thoughts on the two of us - and that really took a long time to overcome. 

But, knowing about the nature of neuroplasticity - the ability of the neurons to reposition themselves, we kept at it and kept at it until we re-aligned our thoughts with the new of what we wanted to do now. 

To apply this to the two of you, you will both have to discuss how you both would like to make some adjustments in what you are doing. YOU would like to more physically act out your fantasies so maybe he'd be willing to try that with you a couple of times to get his brain adjusted into that activity. 

It sounds like porn was a problem for you guys which is why you stopped it. Well, you may have stopped it physically but it sounds like he is still participating in it on his own. That perfectly understandable since he conditioned his brain to get off in that way. If you both are agreeable, would he be willing to take a look at the fantasy-thinking and possibly be willing to try and cut that thinking out for, say, a month, to see if he can get his brain rewired into the real world with you?

Just some geeky ideas for you to consider.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

happiness27 said:


> I wanted to put an idea out there for you but it's a bit involved. It involves how the brain works.
> 
> The brain is a set of neural pathways. These pathways make up how we think, how we react and perceive the world. They are literally maps or roadways where, when you have a thought, smell a smell, hear a sound, see or experience anything, these pathways send out a set of signals that cause us to determine what we do and how we perceive what is happening. Okay, stay with me or tell me to shut up because you already know this...
> 
> ...


Happiness you are very correct. I don't remember but there may be a term for women who become desensitized by vibrators. Sometime abstinence will usually reset everything the question is for how long. Glad you and ur husband got it to work out. Of course, you could have tried shoving a battery up his butt to see if that would have helped. lmao


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

It’s a minor compatibility issue. When men land a wife with a high drive or some kinks they think to themselves “oh goodie, what can she do FOR ME?” thinking that anything goes for her, since, well, her drive is high anyway, she must be up for anything.
Educate him on the subject: he needs to become more aware that it is still about YOU and about your kinks and if he doesn’t target those, he will most likely kill your drive or this drive will want to find an outlet where he will not be an active participant anymore.
It’s fixable.



LeananSidhe said:


> First off, this might end up kind of long winded and scattered because I’m exhausted. Also, I have a tendency to be over dramatic so feel free to let me know if I’m being ridiculous.
> 
> My husband thinks he’s kinky because he likes to role play (well, likes me to role play really)...but that’s pretty much all he likes. It’s all mental not actual physical kinky stuff, if that makes sense. If I were to say “Let’s do something different tonight” he would get excited and say “Ok! Who are you going to be?” And then we would proceed to have our normal, everyday sex only with me pretending to be someone else.
> 
> ...






Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Why don’t you play a game:
instead of writing a story for him to jerk off to, why don’t you write down a scenario you want to experience with him, and if he does it well for you, he can get to do the same for the next night etc.
That way he can learn what you like.
Just make sure the kids don’t take it to school to submit as their English essay by mistake...

I presume eventually you want him to actually come up with this stuff himself and surprise you.

One thing I noticed in your posts is how many restrictions you are putting on him; maybe he feels everything is controlled by you and he has no say in anything? That can be an erection killer.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> Why don’t you play a game:
> instead of writing a story for him to jerk off to, why don’t you write down a scenario you want to experience with him, and if he does it well for you, he can get to do the same for the next night etc.
> That way he can learn what you like.
> Just make sure the kids don’t take it to school to submit as their English essay by mistake...
> ...


This is exactly what I ended up deciding to do and it worked well. 🙂
I sent him a sexy story around the time he was getting out of work. He read it in the car and was very excited. He came home and praised my excellent story writing (bragging). Then last night he used it as a base for what he did and added his own little spin on things which was a major turn on for me because it meant he was into it too.

Afterwards we talked some more about MY fantasies...and it got him hot enough for round 2.


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

I think a lot of people are missing the point of this post. That’s fine. I probably shouldn’t have posted it when I was upset and then some of the replies made me more upset. I don’t think I worded or explained things the right way.

This whole post started because I WANT him to treat me like a **** in bed. That’s my fantasy! I want him to get rough and pull my hair and smack my ass. 

When I mentioned the role playing thing, that’s NOT the only sex we have. It’s just what my husband considers kinky. Before last week we hadn’t done any role play in months. Our normal sex is all different variations of loving and hot. I have no problems with it other than wanting him to try new things more. He loves to pleasure me and I found out last night that hearing my fantasies in detail is a huge turn on for him. 
We just need to both get more used to the idea that I have my own fantasies again. 

It’s just funny that I started this post because I actually want to be treated “bad” in bed and it morphed into people thinking I was being treated bad in bed. Like I said, it’s my fault for not being more clear.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> I think a lot of people are missing the point of this post. That’s fine. I probably shouldn’t have posted it when I was upset and then some of the replies made me more upset. I don’t think I worded or explained things the right way.
> 
> This whole post started because I WANT him to treat me like a **** in bed. That’s my fantasy! I want him to get rough and pull my hair and smack my ass.
> 
> ...




But being treated ‘good’ in bed, in your case, means you are being treated ‘bad’ (or not appropriate). 
You might just need to tell him as he may not guess that you like it more rough (if those stories are not a strong enough hint for him).
It’s not the first thing that comes to mind with most men but most women are actually more like you it seems...which I think is great (like to wh0re around once in a while, in a safe environment).
I know it’s a turn off to have to tell what you like but that’s why we were given a mouth (that, and for a couple of other reasons).
It’s not that he can’t do it I’m sure; it’s that he doesn’t really know what he is supposed to be doing. If you want I can have a word with him  (joking).


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > I think a lot of people are missing the point of this post. That’s fine. I probably shouldn’t have posted it when I was upset and then some of the replies made me more upset. I don’t think I worded or explained things the right way.
> ...


I like it all kind of ways. There have been times when he’s gently rubbed and kissed every inch of me before sex and that’s great too. 
I can even be “in charge” occasionally and enjoy it. 
I’m really not that picky....but being dominated (in a rough but not super scary way) is my biggest turn on. I don’t think it’s something that he naturally thinks about though so it’s harder for him. I found out last night that he’s also really scared of going too far and hurting me. 

My story worked though and he got the point. We also talked about a couple of other fantasies I have that he is excited to try.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

LeananSidhe said:


> This is exactly what I ended up deciding to do and it worked well. 🙂
> I sent him a sexy story around the time he was getting out of work. He read it in the car and was very excited. He came home and praised my excellent story writing (bragging). Then last night he used it as a base for what he did and added his own little spin on things which was a major turn on for me because it meant he was into it too.
> 
> Afterwards we talked some more about MY fantasies...and it got him hot enough for round 2.


When I was having problems in my marriage, I decided to give ultimate priority to anything that had to do with improving trust and communication. In my opinion those two things are the foundation of a strong marriage, and everything else is built on top of that. 

So many couples can't communicate. So many couples do not trust a partner to be able to share feelings and be vulnerable with one another. So each builds walls to protect themselves from being hurt. Communication and trust just continue to get worse over time. Then the marriage runs into serious problems.

If writing stories for your husband can be used as a tool to help the two of you improve communication. You may have indeed stumbled into something to really help strengthen your marriage! 

Best wishes, 
Badsanta


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> I’m really not that picky....but being dominated (in a rough but not super scary way) is my biggest turn on.



Yes but DOES HE KNOW THAT???!!!!

I’m struggling with the same thing, but from the other side because my wife won’t ****ing tell me!!!!

And trust me, once you go down that path, you will want more and more scary ways to be dominated. Unless the partner has green light, and knows that you need to be pushed that way, that won’t happen because of....common sense!!!


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

LeananSidhe said:


> I like it all kind of ways. There have been times when he’s gently rubbed and kissed every inch of me before sex and that’s great too.
> I can even be “in charge” occasionally and enjoy it.
> I’m really not that picky....but being dominated (in a rough but not super scary way) is my biggest turn on. I don’t think it’s something that he naturally thinks about though so it’s harder for him. I found out last night that he’s also really scared of going too far and hurting me.
> 
> My story worked though and he got the point. We also talked about a couple of other fantasies I have that he is excited to try.




I am glad you talked....Now you need to have a word with my wife to make her talk...and no, the game: ‘ve have vayz to make you talk’ (in a German accent and a table tennis bat) does not yield the desired results....


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> LeananSidhe said:
> 
> 
> > I like it all kind of ways. There have been times when he’s gently rubbed and kissed every inch of me before sex and that’s great too.
> ...


We are normally pretty good at communicating about this stuff. I was just frustrated when I posted this because my first attempt at it didn’t work out. To be fair, it’s probably confusing to him sometimes because there are some fantasies that I have that I never want to act out (threesomes), some that are role play (teacher/student), and then this one that I actually wanted to try with him. I can see now where it would be easy to get our signals crossed. 

See how nice I am after sex?? My husband calls it flipping my b*tch switch. Lol


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Just a thought. Maybe limiting the role playing isn't the right approach. Another option is to do your best to go all-in on his fantasies (when they are tolerable to you, even if they are dull), but with the agreement that next he goes all-in on yours.

Maybe there are things that matter a lot to him but seem pointless to you - the same way that he doesn't seem to quite recognize the things that matter to you.

Fantasies are difficult because what seems minor to one person can be really important to another. 

My wife and I occasionally engage in a little bit of kink. I sometimes like being tied up - and its something she has never understood. To her bondage is completely uninteresting - just takes time, and you are only doing things the other person likes anyway. For other people, bondage is *fun* for some reason that's not easy to define. 




LeananSidhe said:


> We don’t do the role playing very much anymore. I just brought it up to show what his definition of “kinky” is. We used to do it a lot but it got to where he was asking for it all the time and acting disappointed if I didn’t want to, which was hurtful to me. So I stopped it for a long time.
> Recently I’ve brought it back but with restrictions... He can’t ask for it, it’s got to be my idea and I get to pick the scenario (to make sure I’m comfortable with it). I also have been reserving it for those nights when we have sex but I want it again. So we’ve already had sex and I use the role playing thing to get another round out of him.
> 
> I don’t mind doing it this way (not very often and on my terms). It’s his thing but I enjoy it too. I just wish he cared more about what I’m into as well.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm glad that to hear that it sounds like things are working out. 

Have you made it very clear that you will let him know if he does get too rough? Using a well defined safeword etc. I'm not worried about *your* safety, but its possible that *he* is worried that he will go too far. 

Dominant / rough sex doesn't work well when the dominant person keeps asking "are you OK?", but at the same time it can be scary to wonder if you are really hurting the other person. 

You may already be doing the safeword and everything else to reassure him - lots of posts, I may have missed some. 


One other thought: "rough" sex can mean different things to different people. Do you think he knows what you like?




LeananSidhe said:


> I like it all kind of ways. There have been times when he’s gently rubbed and kissed every inch of me before sex and that’s great too.
> I can even be “in charge” occasionally and enjoy it.
> I’m really not that picky....but being dominated (in a rough but not super scary way) is my biggest turn on. I don’t think it’s something that he naturally thinks about though so it’s harder for him. I found out last night that he’s also really scared of going too far and hurting me.
> 
> My story worked though and he got the point. We also talked about a couple of other fantasies I have that he is excited to try.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Yes uninteresting because most of these kinks are actually about the psychological aspects (anticipation, fear, pain, excitement, whatever) much more than the act itself.
You sometimes don’t need to do anything at all if you can just talk her through it. And it can be just as powerful.
But some women seem to find it harder than others to get themselves into that mindset where they lose control over their rational mind.



uhtred said:


> Just a thought. Maybe limiting the role playing isn't the right approach. Another option is to do your best to go all-in on his fantasies (when they are tolerable to you, even if they are dull), but with the agreement that next he goes all-in on yours.
> 
> 
> 
> ...







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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

uhtred said:


> I'm glad that to hear that it sounds like things are working out.
> 
> Have you made it very clear that you will let him know if he does get too rough? Using a well defined safeword etc. I'm not worried about *your* safety, but its possible that *he* is worried that he will go too far.
> 
> ...


Lol. I’ll have to go slow with him. I think he’d freak out if I mentioned having a safe word at this point. Hopefully we’ll get to that eventually. I did tell him that I wasn’t worried about that because I’d let him know and trusted him to stop. I did tell him that the trust thing was a big part of it because I liked being completely helpless but also knowing that I could trust him. He liked hearing that. 

He knows what I like after last night. 😉


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Maybe. OTOH, if he is worried about hurting you it might make him more comfortable. Hard to say. 

I'm glad he found things you like!




LeananSidhe said:


> Lol. I’ll have to go slow with him. I think he’d freak out if I mentioned having a safe word at this point. Hopefully we’ll get to that eventually. I did tell him that I wasn’t worried about that because I’d let him know and trusted him to stop. I did tell him that the trust thing was a big part of it because I liked being completely helpless but also knowing that I could trust him. He liked hearing that.
> 
> He knows what I like after last night. 😉


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

You have a good marriage basically. All marriages have problems to work through and we learn and grow by overcoming them. I am glad that you do not take in all the advice. Leaving him as someone said is rediculous and out of the question. Also I agree with you wholeheartedly that porn is not helpful. I class it as mental adultery. You need to protect the basis of the marriage.
If you can get the spanking going he will soon get used to it and it will become normal. I asked DW to do that to me about thirty years ago and now she is an expert and doesn't bat an eyelid. You have to be careful not to wake the children. Make sure you satisfy him but keep reminding him to spank you properly until he gets it.


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