# Said our vows 8 months ago, wife already cheated.



## Zanzibar (Dec 16, 2011)

After a month of knowing something's been going on, my wife recently admitted to having sex with another man after only 8 months of marriage (were together about 3 years prior to marriage. I'm 27, she's 24, the other guy is 18). I tried to leave her, but she begged and pleaded for another chance. I'm so in love with her, I couldn't go through with it and we are currently trying to work things out. At this time while trying to heal, we are probably doing better as a couple than we have in the past year. However, the anxiety and details of the situation are eating away at me. I need to talk about it, get some advice and input from people because the only other person I have to talk to is our MC. My family is too judgy, and I'm too embarrassed to talk about it with my friends.

Here is some long-winded, but important background information that I will provide. After our honey moon, my wife quit her job due to an anxiety breakdown(starting having panic attacks, didn't want to leave the house, etc...) and went unemployed for several months. I couldn't help but be upset that she was not even looking for a new job while the bills stacked up, it was obvious that I was not sympathizing much with the situation. After several months, she picked up a retail job and snapped out of her anxiety spell. It became obvious she held resentment towards my lack of empathy, we became a bit distant once she she started the new job.

After two weeks of working there, she stopped wearing her wedding ring for about 5 days which concerned me. When I began confronting her and asking if she had feelings for someone else, she said two men at work have told her they "like" her and she "didn't know how she felt about that". This was the first red flag and I was so hurt, I ended up sleeping at a different house that night. Later on that night she says she wants to work things out and that it was no big deal, that she did not have any feelings for the other guys. At this point I began to take action about our distant relationship. I tried to make her feel special with compliments and do small kind gestures whenever I could. She did not seem to be receptive, but I continued to keep this going until present time.

Turns out, she started hanging out with one group of (lame ass) high school guys behind my back, despite my making it clear that she cannot hang out with guy friends without my presence. One of these guys ends up taking her aside and kissing her. She continues to hang out and lets this kiss blossom into an emotion and physical affair, beginning with a make out session each time they meet. 

Her friend tips me off that something is going on, but my wife bold face lies to me every time I confront her. Shortly after I set up an appointment to see a marriage counselor and continue to find evidence over time (received an "accidental" lovey dovey message from a guy that was meant for his girlfriend and not her, saw she searched "how to tell husband I cheated" on her phone's browser history, foreign addresses in GPS recently found list, clothes and car smelling like smoke etc...) eventually when enough evidence stacked up she says she's been "talking" with another guy inappropriately but nothing physical. At this point I'm so sad but I tell her she can choose him or me right now because I'm not waiting around for her to make up her mind, which she sends him a text supposedly breaking it off and says she wants to be with me. 

The very next day I was off and continued to try and be proactive at winning her affection back, so I spend all day cleaning the house. She comes home after work to a spotless apartment, stuffed animal, flowers, a heart-filled card and seems flattered. She has dinner plans that night with a girl friend and asks if it's all right if she stays over with her, which I say sure. Thinking there's no way she could do me wrong after all I'd done. Come to find out, that was the night she ended up having sex with the other guy... (this cold, heartless act is what dwells in my mind all the time) 

She continues to string me along thinking nothing is going on for another week, until I come home on my lunch break and find her with men in my apartment. At this point I realize how deceptive she's really been and she continues to lie and see this guy behind my back for another week before he ends up going to jail and will stay in there for the next 5 months. Within a few days of him going to jail, she admits everything to me but says I am all she wants and that she was not herself through out this whole time. 

So... Here I am. Sometimes I'm grateful that we are at a new level of closeness that we haven't reached in so long. But in the back of my mind I cannot comprehend the level of lies and deception she's brought into our marriage, or rid the horrible thoughts that some real piece of work kid got to have his way with my wife; and she let it happen. And to top it off, after only 8 months of marriage, I feel so worthless and disrespected. 

So far she seems to be completely honest and respecting all of my rules for severing all contact with the remainder of the "toxic" friends, which gives me hope. With this ridiculous chain of events for a newly wed couple, I realize hope may just be denial though.

Probably some of the most important background information about my wife is she's had some sexual molestation as a child and her father completely abandoned her at age 4 or 5. I know these types of trauma can have a profound impact on one's psychological makeup. Despite how much she's wronged me, when I tried to leave her I could see the pain from her abandonment fears come out and just couldn't bear to do it. To clarify, I only tried to leave her immediately after finding the affair. I DO want this to work, I love my wife to death and am not only staying with her because I feel sorry for her problems.

I apologize for the length of this, figured I'd put everything in the message body so I didn't have to string it out through the replies. 

And yes, I already had us both tested for STDs immediately after finding out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I"m changing my post. I agree with those who posted after me. A divorce or annulment is your best bet. You have no foundation of a loving marriage with this 'woman'. Her moral compas is broken. There are many good women in this world who would love to have a good man like you.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

Zanzibar said:


> After a month of knowing something's been going on, my wife recently admitted to having sex with another man after only 8 months of marriage (were together about 3 years prior to marriage. I'm 27, she's 24, the other guy is 18). I tried to leave her, but she begged and pleaded for another chance. I'm so in love with her, I couldn't go through with it and we are currently trying to work things out. At this time while trying to heal, we are probably doing better as a couple than we have in the past year. However, the anxiety and details of the situation are eating away at me. I need to talk about it, get some advice and input from people because the only other person I have to talk to is our MC. My family is too judgy, and I'm too embarrassed to talk about it with my friends.
> 
> *Sometimes love isn't enough and she cheated on you with a damn kid after only 8 months of marriage...your wife doesn't love you because when you love someone you dont cheat and humiliate him...*
> 
> ...


*Answers are bolded*


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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

Hi, Zanzibar


> "with *men* in my apartment"


Wow, that is some crazy girl you have right there.

Anyway, you shouldn't beat yourself over this. You sound like a great husband. The problem lies in your wife and her cheating behavior.

However, what you are doing is destructive and will only drive her to cheat more. Becoming overly controlling won't prevent your wife from having an extramarital affair and it could even be counterproductive. But the most important thing is it is not who you are, and you are lying to yourself.

You should shift the focus from trying to control your wife to enjoying your own life. Focus on yourself first then your wife. When you are calmed down and are able to rationalize the situation, it will be way easier to save the marriage.

You should take a look at this article to know more about how to save the marriage on your own.

How to save my marriage on my own.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Can you trust her again? Was it only one guy? It was not a one time drunk thing but a repeated act of betrayal. She lied and cheated on you all this time.She already lied once, she won't find it hard to do it again. It only stopped when he went to jail. What if he comes back? 

Are you sure she won't go back? 
Are you really sure?
Are you really really sure?

She is not ready or mature enough for marriage. If you still love her so much, annul the marriage or divorce her and keep seeing her. If it works out, you can marry her again. Look at some of the threads. Never have I seen a scenario where the begging and pleading by the betrayed spouse resulted in a happy marriage. The circumstances that she got back with you aren't good either.

She will keep walking on you unless you stand up for yourself. You can love her, but you should respect yourself more. If you don't respect yourself, why will she? It will be pattern that will follow you through the rest of your life(not necessarily infidelity)


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Zan,
Stop rewarding your WW for cheating, sure she's sorry but is she willing to do the heavy lifting and show you the remorse that will prevent it from happening again? Is she willing to take on all the consequence that should be dealt....again in order to prevent this happening again?

Especially when Mr. Wonderful gets out of jail in 5 months.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

8 months into your marriage, and she cheating with a little kid? the only reason she came clean is the guy she was boinking went to jai, and your the fall back guy. best thing that you could do is run like your azz was on fire. and thank you lucky star that she showed her true colors before some kids clouded the picture


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She never came clean, Zan caught them in his house, we all know if the OM wasn't in jail , it still would be going on. They kept seeing each other even after he fond out.

Zan, is she sending OM money or loveletters, is she still contacting him?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

67flh said:


> 8 months into your marriage, and she cheating with a little kid? the only reason she came clean is the guy she was boinking went to jai, and your the fall back guy. best thing that you could do is run like your azz was on fire. and thank you lucky star that she showed her true colors before some kids clouded the picture


:iagree:

if you hadn't walked in on them and her side piece wasn't in jail, she would be (and maybe is) still hitting it(them).

You ought to get while the getting's good.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Zanzibar said:


> She continues to string me along thinking nothing is going on for another week, until I come home on my lunch break and find her with men in my apartment. At this point I realize how deceptive she's really been and she continues to lie and see this guy behind my back for another week before he ends up going to jail and will stay in there for the next 5 months. Within a few days of him going to jail, she admits everything to me but says I am all she wants and that she was not herself through out this whole time.


She practically spits in your face after the first time you "get her break it off" when she ditches you to go sleep with him (I doubt this was really the first time btw - remember those clothes in the car!)

Then continues to lie, until you catch her with the guys in your place, then looser boy goes to jail the next week.

then she wants you suddenly. 

Dude - she is playing you for a freaking moron. Please grow a pair and actually call her on her choice to repeated choose this kid over you.

She choose a boy, who at 18 is now in jail for 5 months over you, she did it repeatedly, she did it blatantly, and honestly if he wasn't in jail she would still be doing it. You know it, she knows, and he knows it.

She never came clean, she never stopped. You kept catching her, and it's only because she can't get to him that they aren't still doing it.

You're young enough that you can quickly dump her out of your life and get out there and find someone who isn't the cheating lying woman she is. 

Look, she has no remorse or guilt. If she did she would have used the first exposure to end it. She would have been so mortified that you caught her, but relieved that it was out in the open and she could begin working on the marriage. BUT she didn't. She instead looked you right in your little puppy eyes, patted you on the head for the nice note, the house cleaning, etc, and then left you to spend the night with him.

I bet the OM thought that was fantastic and amazingly funny. Your wife and he no doubt had lot of fun at your expense when she told him what you had done, and how she ditched you to come be with him.

Is that the way a woman who loves you would act? You know the conversation they had, you know the horrible things she said to him about you. 

Now he's gone for 5 months, she's using you to keep a roof over her head, and you're still playing the role of idiot puppy.

Do you want to be she's already making plans on hooking back up with him when he's out. She may already have gone to visit him in jail.

Divorce her tomorrow. I know you love her - but there is no love on the other side from her. A woman in love does not do the hateful, humiliating things she has done to you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Your going to do what your going to do and it doesnt sound like your capable of stepping back and looking at this objectively. This is just such a inevitable disaster, there is virtually no way around it. Going in its already fuct on so many levels, this is toast. Just a matter of time...

As a young newlywed couple, particularly at this point in your life it will be very difficult to detach and make a healthy decision. 

I suspect its going to take more life lessons before it all sinks in and you realize whats going on here and what is best for you... the idea of "cutting your loses" is much easier said than done... I think multiple events will be needed to really hurt you enough to clear your head....

Anyway long story short..... The best advice I can give you 

Your young, you will recover. Eventually, when your ready you will move on from this... Provided you follow this simple advice...

*PLEASE DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMEN.*


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Zanzibar said:


> Despite how much she's wronged me, when I tried to leave her I could see the pain from her abandonment fears come out and just couldn't bear to do it.


Notice you never said, her guilt, her remorse.. You said her abandonment.

She isn't with you because she wants you. She isn't with you because she loves you. She is with you because she is afraid of being alone. 

Her lover is gone for 5 months. You know when he's out that you will have to checking up on her every moment of every day, because d-bag will be back and she will be going to him.

She has never chosen you over him. She has never come back to you. Instead you got her to claim to stop hanging with these toxic friends while he is jail because she's afraid of being out in the street alone. 

That's not the same a remorse or her coming clean. That's her using you for the next 5 months, when she can go back to him.

I know you're trying to "win" her back in those 5 months. You think if you can just be a better husband, she'll choose you.

She doesn't even respect you, how do you think she'll decide to choose you? She clearly like the bad boy d-bag type, and you're trying to win her by being an even nicer nice guy than you already are.

Think about your strategy. She wants a bad boy, and you're being a nice nice guy.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Normally I fight for a marriage in your case , eight months and she is cheating already. Put on your man boots and divorce her, no debate , no grovelling from you, kick her out and file ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I'm the most hopeful and positive person about reconciliation. I'm not going to say that this can't work, that you can't have an awesome marriage. But dude, it is going to take A LOT of work from both of you. Your wife has deep seated emotional issues. She is going to need years and years of deep therapy.

Look objectively at your story.

1. You were married only 8 months...8 months is a very short time to be unhappy before cheating.

2. She was hanging out with HIGH SCHOOL kids. Not sure if you've hung out at a high school in a while, but these kids are really immature. Your wife has serious problems if she would destroy her marriage to hang out with a kid.

3. She has emotional trauma from her childhood and some sort of depression/anxiety disorder which caused a major stress in your life.

You're not a year out of your marriage. Reconciliation on its own is extremely hard. Any one of the things above makes reconciliation that much more difficult. The three things combined tells me you're going to be in for the world's toughest marriage to have a turn around.

Don't expect to have any of this solved in a short period of time...think years not months. I would not even consider taking her back until she's gone to a few individual therapy sessions and you see some potential for improvement. She probably has a diagnosable mental condition which in conjunction with her childhood trauma, will take a lot of time to resolve.

In your situation, God working a miracle in your wife and marriage is the only way I could see it surviving.

Out of curiousity, how did you end up with this chick? After 3 years I can't believe you didn't see any warning signs.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> *PLEASE DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS WOMEN.*


Sweet Jesus for the love of God please wear a rubber and get her on the pill. The last thing this world needs is another kid from a crazy chick in an f'd up marriage.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You weren't even married long enough for YOU to have done anything remotely bad enough to push her away.

Sorry man. She's not the one.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I also wonder, but you won't mention it, were drugs involved here? Were she and he and his buddies hanging and getting high?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I normally advocate R but in your case you have very little chance it will work. You are still in the "honeymoon phase" of your relationship. That means she is still supposed to be infatuated with you, not looking to screw other men. You seem like you are still infatuated with her. If she experiences abuse in her childhood it is very possible that she can't develop an emotional attachment of any kind right now, possibly never if she doesn't get some heavy duty individual counseling. I hate to say it but you really don't want to spend the rest of your life dealing with her baggage. Read some of the other threads on here to see what that will be like 5, 10 or 20 years from now.

Divorce her and move on would be my advice. Sorry.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Another vote for the big "D" and I don't mean Dallas (though I do live there...here).

She sounds too immature to be married. If you try to R she WILL cheat again down the road. To be looking for excitement so soon after being married there just no way she'll be able to resist temptation when you actually get into a rut once the marriage settles down.

That and the fact you are always going to be thinking about her cheating YEARS from now its just too much work and no way will it be worth it. Cut your losses and find someone with better morals.


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## Zanzibar (Dec 16, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I also wonder, but you won't mention it, were drugs involved here? Were she and he and his buddies hanging and getting high?


Well the guys were getting high at my apartment with marijuana, yes. To clarify, there was no sex going on when I found men in the apartment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Zanzibar said:


> Well the guys were getting high at my apartment with marijuana, yes. To clarify, there was no sex going on when I found men in the apartment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was actually thinking over the time of affair.

You're wife of a few months gets a job with these loosers.

2 weeks in she's clearly already preening herself to be more attractive to the bad boy - she has taken off her rings. she is at this point clearly pursuing him.

he and she hang out a lot - i'm suspecting getting high, and having fun. Clearly sex is being had in the car, and she's having to change clothes.

rinse repeat.

why are you still letting someone who would choose an 18 yr old boy over you, still live with you? 

don't say "I love her..." because that's not dealing with the facts: she after only 2 weeks was throwing herself at the guy, and ditched you after Dday-1 to go spend the night with him.


btw - ProTip: If you catch your wife cheating, then she says she wants to hang out for night someplace - do not agree, unless you intend to use the nighttime to pack her clothes and dump them in front of the locked door.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Zanzibar said:


> Well the guys were getting high at my apartment with marijuana, yes. To clarify, there was no sex going on when I found men in the apartment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That you know of. Dollars to donuts says that had been sex there some time earlier.

Also, brining drugs into you apartment could be a real problem for you. They get caught, you could have your stuff impounded, even though it was not yours. Civil forfeiture laws can be pretty draconian.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Get the both of you tested for STD's
2. Her actions show that she has no respect for you whatsoever. She wants you to take care of her while she screws around with high school boys which will get her thrown into jail.
3. She brings other men to your apartment while you are at work for them to get high.
4. She will absolutely destroy you and is totally toxic to you.
5. See a lawyer about an annulment. She screws another man during your honeymoon period.
6. SEE A LAWYER NOW!
7 She has played you for a total fool and she will be right if you stay with her. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
8. You clearly picked the wrong person to marry. Don't waste your life with somebody like this. Good luck.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Zanzibar said:


> Well the guys were getting high at my apartment with marijuana, yes. To clarify, *there was no sex *going on when I found men in the apartment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yet?

Anway, all i can say is RUN ...FOREST... RUN!!! Sometimes, you just can't play Captain Save-Em. Sure she has childhood trauma, but are you going to allow that to be the exscuse for all her mistakes??? At some point she has to take accountability of her own actions. She choose to say, "I do" ... which means I Do...
...Not have sex with other guys.
...Not have emotional affairs with other people.
...Not disrespect my husband.
... and so on and so on. 

One of my favorite phrases i use on here is pretty simple. When a person shows you what they are... believe them!!! She is showing after 8 mos what she cares about this marriage. Can you imagine what life will be after 8 years and you have kids, and you find out the first kid isn't even yours...


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## Betrayed24 (Dec 9, 2011)

zan, I feel your pain, I am in a somewhat similar situation but mine is a little more complicated I am 24 and my STBXH is 27 and less than 2 MONTHS after our wedding he cheated on me (I mean why even get married?!?!), I didnt find out until about 4 months after we were married( I found emails) Our situation is more complicated because we have a 2 and a half year old. We were together almost 4years before we got married. But unlike you I am filled with anger. I agree with everyone else, you need to get out, it is poision and it will eat you alive. the trust is gone, it was not a mistake it was a choice and mostlikely not the last time. You sound like a good guy and deserve better than to live in a toxic relationship esp if you want kids one day, do you want to bring them into it? It kills me that he did this to our family but I cannot stay and live in hell for the rest of my life, you shouldnt either. Good Luck


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You're 27 years old and only a few months into the marriage, she's cheating on you already. Was there even a honeymoon stage in your short marriage?

Your wife has also shown herself to be very immature and unethical.

Unless you want a lifetime of heartache and turmoil, I would suggest you divorce now quickly.

It would seem overwhelmingly the responses in this thread are to divorce her.

You're still very young and there are better women out there for you. There must be -- not every women is like your wife.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

So if I have this right, you are newlywed to a woman who has mental health issues, she cheated on you, with and snot nosed 18 year old dweeb who is off to jail, she was in your house with him, a buddy of his and drugs a week after she led you to believe her A was over. 

Now lets fast forward to a few years later after a kid or two, and the daily grind gets even more unbearable to her. Do you really think if she is capable of such betrayal so early on that she will be remain faithful in the harder times? She shows no remorse for her actions. Do you really want to act as her guardian, monitoring her every move, who she is with, where she is, etc, etc? If you do have children with this woman later on, will you question their paternity, given her history? I mean two weeks to start up and A after only 8 months of M, that's just cold. You are still young enough to get out and find someone who will give you the love you deserve. 

However, if you decide to stay with her, you must know that this will be a very difficult road for you, she will have to get IC to deal with her issues and you both should look into MC. Personally she sounds toxic to me, my advice is to get STD testing for both of you and give her a pregnancy test.


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## applicable (Dec 16, 2011)

If you are serious about staying together she has to agree to some type of therapy. If not then she is not serious. I am betting she may do it again.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

8 months? Its annulment time


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

COguy said:


> Sweet Jesus for the love of God please wear a rubber and get her on the pill. The last thing this world needs is another kid from a crazy chick in an f'd up marriage.


Pill? Get an implant.. so she cannot 'forget' to take it.


Better yet, he needs to just get a divorce and have nothing to do with her.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If you stay with her, see you back on here in a year or so. BTW, you're the fall back guy, #2 or #3, wait maybe #4 on her totem pole. You provide the money, place to stay, food for her at this point. She's not gonna throw that away and all she has to do is give a little hug, kiss, suck this, do this, do that and since you're so young it's gonna be easy getting you back.

A couple more I love you, miss you, need you thrown here and there and it's back to normal.

If that happens, we'll most likely wait to hear back from you again.

Divorce her, move on and work on you. Let her get her head out of her ass and find herself on her own time and money. Once she has finally found herself, tell her to look you up to see if you're still available for her. In finding herself, I mean getting the I missed out on life and other guys out of her system along with growing up.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

OP you still visiting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zanzibar (Dec 16, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> OP you still visiting?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I'm still checking back to read any new replies. I'm a bit taken back by the overwhelming responses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Zanzibar said:


> Yes, I'm still checking back to read any new replies. I'm a bit taken back by the overwhelming responses.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How so? Did you expect us a pro marriage group to advise you to suck it up and accept her back?

Come on, we are pro marriage but not stupid. 

So how are things?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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