# Wife calls me financially abusive



## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Hello! I have been labeled financially abusive by my wife who moved into her own home a couple of months, leaving my 2 daughters (13 & 15) and I behind. We have a lot of credit card and loan debt, so we were spending the next 2 years paying it off to get back to enjoying life. Our bills were almost what we brought in each month and we split what was left to use as entertainment funds. However, after my wife agreed with the plan, she says months later she is not happy and should be able to spend more.

I explained and showed her that the money is not there to spend and that's why it was important to pay our debt off, especially with our oldest going to college in 2 years. She told me that since she's a nurse there is no reason she can't spend more than she does. Remember, I showed her there is no extra money. She now labels me as financially abusive, which caused her to move out and now she is behind on her car payment, 3 months into her independent venture. 

The reason we have so much credit card and loan debt ($65k) is because of her years of over spending and having to pay bills with the cards, which lead to a build up of interest over the last 6 years. My plan was working as we were paying smallest to largest and we would be all clear in 2 years, but her patience ran out. Now I am stuck paying everything on my own...because she refuses to pay...if it's not in her name. Of course, she still shops for herself, but when it comes to our daughters it's always she can't afford to buy them things they need or want because she doesn't have money for that, as she says. Anyone else experience this?


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

You need a lawyer immediately. Any debt she continues to wreck up will be at least half your responsibility. You need to take steps right away to mitigate the damage she can do to your finances in the event this marriage doesn't survive. Besides, she already fired you from the role of husband by moving out and sticking you with the bill. What's to stop her by going another 60k in the hole and expecting you to pay half in a future divorce?


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

I've already separated finances. I am curious if anyone else has experienced this and how they handled it?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Have you talked to a lawyer? Separated finances (by you) may be the least of your worries.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> Have you talked to a lawyer? Separated finances (by you) may be the least of your worries.


Absolutely


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Have you filed for divorce? Obviously, she’s financially irresponsible and that’s not likely to change.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

It's funny that she never wanted to follow a budget while home but now that's all she speaks of other than when it comes to herself


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Have you filed for divorce? Obviously, she’s financially irresponsible and that’s not likely to change.


No, not as of yet


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

FamilyMan216 said:


> No, not as of yet


The longer you wait the more irresponsible she’ll get.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Your wife clearly has issues with spending. Even putting her own selfish wants before her kids, who she is also 50% responsible for.

Have you talked to a lawyer about getting the debts properly divided? It most likely won't matter that she doesn't want to pay. The debt was racked up during the marriage so she's responsible for it too. Make sure you keep very good records of the debts and payments. Ask about child support to...

Nurses aren't even rolling in dough so she has entitlement issues.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

bobert said:


> Your wife clearly has issues with spending. Even putting her own selfish wants before her kids, who she is also 50% responsible for.
> 
> Have you talked to a lawyer about getting the debts properly divided? It most likely won't matter that she doesn't want to pay. The debt was racked up during the marriage so she's responsible for it too. Make sure you keep very good records of the debts and payments. Ask about child support to...
> 
> Nurses aren't even rolling in dough so she has entitlement issues.


Agree 100% with you. She has extreme entitlement issues. I've been trying to give her the benefit of doubt as she claims to be seeking counseling, but from I see and hear she is getting worse. I have all financial docs printed and offered to show her to prove there is no financial abuse, which I shouldn't have to do because she always had access to all banking. Therapist said her spending could be part of her depression coping, and she exhibits BPD behavior.

I told her as long as we owe debt, we have no extra money. All I've done is try to build financial security and stability for my family. Regardless of our tight budget, I always made sure my wife and daughters had what they wanted and needed before doing anything for myself.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

They "handle" it by filing for divorce. Which if I am not wrong is something that people have been telling you to do from about the first time you posted. 

Unless you want to be almost homeless, just file for divorce. 

At some point, you kind of have to realize that 1) Your wife has issue, and 2) she really has zero love or respect for you. 

Financially abusive, give me a break... 

BTW - does she have a new BF yet since she moved out???


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Yes, as a financial counselor I have worked with couples that have been in your exact same scenario. The plan that you are working on works and most of the time, couples are encouraged by the smaller debts being paid off and it motivates them to keep pushing ahead. That's important because as you see, the process takes time. You are not dealing with a money issue, you are dealing with a behavior issue.

In my opinion, you are doing the right thing. Stay the course with the separated finances. At some point, she will start to drown in her own debt and perhaps it will help change her behavior; or maybe not. Whatever you do, do not throw her a life line and give her money. She is the one who moved out and she will need to pay the consequences of her behavior. Besides, you need every dollar to take care of your daughters and to pay your own bills and debts.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I was called stingy and greedy because I didn't want to buy things we didn't "need" when we had credit card debt. I was blamed for a lot of it because I would use the credit card to buy gas to get to work after the checking account got too low. It definitely wasn't going out to eat 2-3 times a week or putting in a bathroom downstairs or getting a patio put in or steps added to the back deck or the $500 car payment or any of the other things she wanted. 

One of the (many) reasons that she gave for wanting to split was so she wouldn't have to discuss how to handle money with anyone. 

There is a near 100% chance that she won't own up to any financial responsibilities for the kids because "she can't afford it". She didn't want to have to deal with the budget or money problems when you were together but now it will be the only thing she talks or thinks about most of the time. 

Long term, since you're aware of the problems and have a plan, you'll probably be surprised at how much money ends up being leftover paycheck to paycheck. Getting divorced is going to suck a lot for a couple years though until you get yourself out of the hole she put you in. 

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> They "handle" it by filing for divorce. Which if I am not wrong is something that people have been telling you to do from about the first time you posted.
> 
> Unless you want to be almost homeless, just file for divorce.
> 
> ...


Not that I know of. She literally only moved 5 minutes driving distance from me and still doesn't visit our daughters often


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re the one who should be very loudly complaining about finances and not her. Hoping she’s magically wake up one day won’t work in your favor. Divorce will.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Hiner112 said:


> I was called stingy and greedy because I didn't want to buy things we didn't "need" when we had credit card debt. I was blamed for a lot of it because I would use the credit card to buy gas to get to work after the checking account got too low. It definitely wasn't going out to eat 2-3 times a week or putting in a bathroom downstairs or getting a patio put in or steps added to the back deck or the $500 car payment or any of the other things she wanted.
> 
> One of the (many) reasons that she gave for wanting to split was so she wouldn't have to discuss how to handle money with anyone.
> 
> ...


Yes, and it doesn't help when her friends are involved with influencing her that she needs to enjoy her own money. I understand everyone advising divorce, but I'm in a moral battle to do it or not. I don't believe in divorce, which makes it hard.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

One question I forgot to ask. When you did your budget each month, did your wife get a vote and a chance to change it?


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Diceplayer said:


> One question I forgot to ask. When you did your budget each month, did your wife get a vote and a chance to change it?


Absolutely, she agreed with it until she blew through her portion of what was left. I even started giving her most of my portion and told her that she could keep any extra money she made, it would just mean longer to pay the debt. She then told me she needed access to withdraw money when needed because she forgot the pin to the ATM, which is crazy because you can use the debit card as a credit card


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If she knows you won’t divorce her then you have zero leverage. She doesn’t change because she doesn’t want to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FamilyMan216 said:


> I've already separated finances. I am curious if anyone else has experienced this and how they handled it?


If you have not filed for divorce, how have you legally separated finances?


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> If you have not filed for divorce, how have you legally separated finances?


Because she stopped her direct deposit and opened her own account


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Absolutely, she agreed with it until she blew through her portion of what was left. I even started giving her most of my portion and told her that she could keep any extra money she made, it would just mean longer to pay the debt. She then told me she needed access to withdraw money when needed because she forgot the pin to the ATM, which is crazy because you can use the debit card as a credit card


Well then, you went further to appease her than I would. When both parties agree to the budget and to the debt reduction plan, they spit-swear and pinky shake and the deal is a lock. What she is doing by backing out of an agreement is disrespectful. I'm not one to recommend anything about whether you divorce over this issue, but the marriage will not be able to heal until this issue is settled.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Diceplayer said:


> Well then, you went further to appease her than I would. When both parties agree to the budget and to the debt reduction plan, they spit-swear and pinky shake and the deal is a lock. What she is doing by backing out of an agreement is disrespectful. I'm not one to recommend anything about whether you divorce over this issue, but the marriage will not be able to heal until this issue is settled.


Definitely, I am trying to hold on to whatever ounce of optimism there is, not for me, but for my daughters as well. I promised to hang in there through sickness and health, and she is no doubt mentally sick. With it all being so fresh, I just hoping reality hits her sooner than later


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

My wife is too focused on validation from her friends rather than stability for our family. This all just started with finances within the last 3-4 years I should add. She views budgeting as me giving her an allowance, which is a bunch of you know what. I have been teaching my daughters about the importance of credit, saving, and investing the last couple of years. I told my wife that we needed to set the example through action, but she can't seem to move off of self


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I, too, did not believe in divorce--saw marriage as a commitment to God. Until I didn't. Stayed too long. Kids suffered--multiple abuse. I should have protected them more--left just in the nick of time. They begged me to leave. He was likely mentally unstable and it progressed over the YEARS. I am at peace with my God, my actions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Because she stopped her direct deposit and opened her own account


You know that you are most likely still responsible for any debt that she makes, right?

Have you discussed with your attorney how to protect yourself from her running up bills?


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> I, too, did not believe in divorce--saw marriage as a commitment to God. Until I didn't. Stayed too long. Kids suffered--multiple abuse. I should have protected them more--left just in the nick of time. They begged me to leave. He was likely mentally unstable and it progressed over the YEARS. I am at peace with my God, my actions.


I completely understand and may get to that point. How long did it take you to file?


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> You know that you are most likely still responsible for any debt that she makes, right?
> 
> Have you discussed with your attorney how to protect yourself from her running up bills?


I have a consultation next week


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

FamilyMan216 said:


> she is no doubt mentally sick.


No sir, she is not "mentally sick". What she is doing is not a "sickness", it is a SIN. She is doing what she chooses, out of a sense of entitlement, and, "entitlement" is a euphemism for selfishness.

I sure wouldn't worry about moral implications of divorce. Morally, your wife has already divorced you, and her own children, by her wanton and WICKED lifestyle. All you are doing with legal action now is protecting yourself and your children from financial ruin. If allowed, she will do it.

"financially abusive" ???? Horse$hit. Get a lawyer, and cut her off, financially, from you, TOTALLY. Keep it that way forever.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Not that I know of. She literally only moved 5 minutes driving distance from me and still doesn't visit our daughters often


That is a huge problem! There is way more going on here than just overspending. Your daughters must be feeling abandoned.

Like it or not, she's moved out, so you're separated. You may not proceed to divorce for a while, but you need to get legally separated, which means sorting things out like division of assets and debts, and working out what amount of child support she owes you. If she wants to be financially independent, that's among her financial responsibilities.

And no, it is not being financially abusive to prevent your wife from running the family finances into the ground. You made a fair budget with some spending money for each of you. She wrecked it. You should expect partnership from your partner.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> That is a huge problem! There is way more going on here than just overspending. Your daughters must be feeling abandoned.
> 
> Like it or not, she's moved out, so you're separated. You may not proceed to divorce for a while, but you need to get legally separated, which means sorting things out like division of assets and debts, and working out what amount of child support she owes you. If she wants to be financially independent, that's among her financial responsibilities.
> 
> And no, it is not being financially abusive to prevent your wife from running the family finances into the ground. You made a fair budget with some spending money for each of you. She wrecked it. You should expect partnership from your partner.


They do feel abandoned, but she just tells them ”how is it abandonment when I call you” typical manipulation. They are being mentally destroyed and I see it daily. I have them both in counseling


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

FamilyMan216 said:


> I completely understand and may get to that point. How long did it take you to file?


Your question wasn’t addressed to me but my answer would be it took me decades to get out. My child and I were both badly damaged. Why did I wait? Because I believed in keeping my family together at any cost just as my mother did.

My child eventually repeated the same marriage patterns that I did (just as I had repeated my mother’s) with the same result down the road. Nothing says guilt quite like knowing your actions (or inactions) have damaged your child.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Your question wasn’t addressed to me but my answer would be it took me decades to get out. My child and I were both badly damaged. Why did I wait? Because I believed in keeping my family together at any cost just as my mother did.
> 
> My child eventually repeated the same marriage patterns that I did (just as I had repeated my mother’s) with the same result down the road. Nothing says guilt quite like knowing your actions (or inactions) have damaged your child.


So your marriage never got better?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

FamilyMan216 said:


> I completely understand and may get to that point. How long did it take you to file?


Ditto @Openminded ---- Way too long. (BTW: he was trying to drive me to divorce and I was too obtuse to see it--got worse, not better). Takes a great deal of courage. Divorce itself took two years. Best decision of my life.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> Ditto @Openminded Way too long. (BTW: he was trying to drive me to divorce and I was too obtuse to see it--got worse, not better). Takes a great deal of courage. Divorce itself took two years. Best decision of my life.


Sounds scary but you weathered the storm.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

FamilyMan216 said:


> So your marriage never got better?


No, unfortunately, it didn’t. Change is hard and most people don’t want to put in the time and effort necessary. 

You’re hoping she’ll wake up one day but that’s unlikely. She has no reason to.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Hiner112 said:


> I was called stingy and greedy because I didn't want to buy things we didn't "need" when we had credit card debt. I was blamed for a lot of it because I would use the credit card to buy gas to get to work after the checking account got too low. It definitely wasn't going out to eat 2-3 times a week or putting in a bathroom downstairs or getting a patio put in or steps added to the back deck or the $500 car payment or any of the other things she wanted.
> 
> One of the (many) reasons that she gave for wanting to split was so she wouldn't have to discuss how to handle money with anyone.
> 
> ...


This is pretty spot-on; I had this happen to me. "Financial abuse" is code for "you're not providing financially in the manner I deserve. Money is your problem and I resent you coming up short". Being a nurse is a good job, but not that good. Curious, does she make more than you? The attitude of "I'm a nurse..." might indicate resentment over your contribution to the household, like she feels she is the primary provider and shouldn't have to sacrifice.

Unfortunately, you can expect she will do the minimum necessary for the kids. If she walked out on you and the kids, you should seek to be deemed the primary caregiver for the kids, and file for support. The kids will have needs and you know she's not going to do anything for them regarding college, etc. You may as well get everything you can for them, since she'll piss it all away anyways.

Agree that you'll likely feel not too much of a financial hit since you won't have to subsidize her habits.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Because she stopped her direct deposit and opened her own account


Not sure in the OP's state, but here in CA once you move out you are legally separated (including financially).


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

DTO said:


> This is pretty spot-on; I had this happen to me. "Financial abuse" is code for "you're not providing financially in the manner I deserve. Money is your problem and I resent you coming up short". Being a nurse is a good job, but not that good. Curious, does she make more than you? The attitude of "I'm a nurse..." might indicate resentment over your contribution to the household, like she feels she is the primary provider and shouldn't have to sacrifice.
> 
> Unfortunately, you can expect she will do the minimum necessary for the kids. If she walked out on you and the kids, you should seek to be deemed the primary caregiver for the kids, and file for support. The kids will have needs and you know she's not going to do anything for them regarding college, etc. You may as well get everything you can for them, since she'll piss it all away anyways.
> 
> Agree that you'll likely feel not too much of a financial hit since you won't have to subsidize her habits.


No, I make more than her. She did start a college fund for our daughters through her job. Never was I coming up short financially because she always got what she wanted. My goal was paying off debt as fast as possible to become financially secure as a family, and begin creating our own retirement funds


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

FamilyMan216 said:


> No, I make more than her. She did start a college fund for our daughters through her job. Never was I coming up short financially because she always got what she wanted. My goal was paying off debt as fast as possible to become financially secure as a family, and begin creating our own retirement funds


Not to mention I'm working towards getting a promotion at work within the next 2 yrs. that will pay me $35k more annually


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Should you be planning to leave, do it before promotion?

This has been on my mind: Folks have widely varying definitions of 'financial abuse.' Hope you realize this. 

In my case over the years my EX closed checking accounts and/or cancelled all credit cards (even when in my name alone) when he wanted to 'punish' or 'surprise' me--never mind that it affected the kids, eating, our reputation (like check to church that was refused), etc. 

This happened on my vacation with kids--I'd paid for it all with my income--no discussion from him. It's embarrassing to have credit card at dinner refused and not know why. It's embarrassing/frustrating to be called early in a.m. by desk clerk and told that someone called him and told him to call me with news that checks and credit cards had been cancelled. Desk clerk was as upset as I was. BTW: This was the straw that broke.......... That is, did not happen another time.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> Should you be planning to leave, do it before promotion?
> 
> This has been on my mind: Folks have widely varying definitions of 'financial abuse.' Hope you realize this.
> 
> ...


All I did was help my wife. I built her first card from $500 to $15k...never abused...always tried to show her how to maintain and establish credit, and the importance


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, your efforts didn’t work — unfortunately— and they very likely won’t ever work. Financially irresponsible people generally remain that way because they have a very strong sense of entitlement. I was married to a man who made a great deal of money but he also spent a great deal of money on whatever he wanted to. That was the way he was brought up. I was brought up much differently but nothing I did during the decades we were married made the slightest difference in his spending habits. He always did as he pleased. Just as your wife very likely always will.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Well, your efforts didn’t work — unfortunately— and they very likely won’t ever work. Financially irresponsible people generally remain that way because they have a very strong sense of entitlement. I was married to a man who made a great deal of money but he also spent a great deal of money on whatever he wanted to. That was the way he was brought up. I was brought up much differently but nothing I did during the decades we were married made the slightest difference in his spending habits. He always did as he pleased. Just as your wife very likely always will.


I just don't know why I can't let go


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

FamilyMan216 said:


> No, I make more than her. She did start a college fund for our daughters through her job. Never was I coming up short financially because she always got what she wanted. My goal was paying off debt as fast as possible to become financially secure as a family, and begin creating our own retirement funds


Dude, you're being financially responsible, not abusive. Don't even BEGIN to accept that label she is trying to stick on you. It's all BS.

But here's the danger. 1) Until you enter into some sort of LEGAL separation, you will be responsible for any further debts she may rack up. Your attorney will tell you what you need to do to avoid or at least minimize that, and you need to do it IMMEDIATELY. And by immediately, I mean the minute you walk out of the law office.
2) Your wife has an entitled attitude which is a major danger for you in view of #1 above. I have experienced this myself with the ex-Mrs Wolfman. Once she detects that her profligate ways are going to end, she will have NO moral compunction against racking up huge debt and trying to stick you will the bill. Once I told the ex-Mrs. Wolfman that I wanted a divorce, she emptied our joint bank account and immediately went to the mall and racked up HUGE bills for her own personal use (clothes, shoes, etc.). She felt no guilt in doing so, because she felt she was ENTITLED to it. 

You face the same danger. *You must move immediately to prevent this.* Learn from my experience.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sounds as if you wife needs to go for debt management help. She does not know how to manage finances. 
Draw up a spreadsheet and show her. Show where the money comes from and where the money goes to.
Show how her debts have built up and how much interest has accumulated as a result.
Show her how you will be both working into your 70's at the rate she is going at spending.
People like this need to see hard cold figures in front of them. Gather your arsenal. If you kids are old enough (they sound as if they are), they too should be taught money management, share it with them too.
Sometimes people (esp those not earning or not carrying the main financial burden) find it easy to criticize and complain but no little about money management and the fact you cannot spend what you do not earn, if you do, you have to pay the piper at some time.
Ensure you protect yourself and your daughters and make sure a lawyer insists she pays her share for her kids.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

aine said:


> Sounds as if you wife needs to go for debt management help. She does not know how to manage finances.
> Draw up a spreadsheet and show her. Show where the money comes from and where the money goes to.
> Show how her debts have built up and how much interest has accumulated as a result.
> Show her how you will be both working into your 70's at the rate she is going at spending.
> ...


Hmm... 
I think there are (at least) two kinds of people who get into trouble with debt. 

One kind is the sort that just underestimates the effect of debt, and have a lack of knowledge about budgeting, planning for the future, etc.
The other kind is deeply entitled and refuse to deny themselves, especially when someone else has to carry the load. 

Education may help the first kind.
I think education (in the traditional manner) won't help the second as much. I think they have to actually experience hardship to change their ways, and even then some won't change. 

I think OP's wife is the second sort. Unfortunately, for her to suffer hardship as the result of her actions means that her husband and family suffer too. 

I don't think talking is going to work for her.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Hmm...
> I think there are (at least) two kinds of people who get into trouble with debt.
> 
> One kind is the sort that just underestimates the effect of debt, and have a lack of knowledge about budgeting, planning for the future, etc.
> ...



@Wolfman1968 Agreed to a certain extent, but she ought to see the figures, then OP will be very clear as to what he is dealing with and then should proceed to protect himself and kids with a good lawyer.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

aine said:


> Sounds as if you wife needs to go for debt management help. She does not know how to manage finances.
> Draw up a spreadsheet and show her. Show where the money comes from and where the money goes to.
> Show how her debts have built up and how much interest has accumulated as a result.
> Show her how you will be both working into your 70's at the rate she is going at spending.
> ...


I have provided her with written figures several times, shown interest rate accumulation, explained how minimum payments do nothing, and printed out copies of bills. She has convinced herself I'm hiding money even though evidence shows all money coming in and going out monthly.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I've seen this before and she will not listen to reason. Face it FM, you have married a princess who feels entitled to whatever she wants. You won't change that by showing her the numbers and trying to reason with her. Hopefully, with her on her own, she will start to see it when she can't pay her own bills and you are not bailing her out.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Diceplayer said:


> I've seen this before and she will not listen to reason. Face it FM, you have married a princess who feels entitled to whatever she wants. You won't change that by showing her the numbers and trying to reason with her. Hopefully, with her on her own, she will start to see it when she can't pay her own bills and you are not bailing her out.


It's sad looking at it with logic and knowing there is no reasoning with her


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You look at it logically. She looks at it emotionally. There isn’t a common ground for the two of you. All you can do is protect yourself and your children.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Diceplayer said:


> you have married a princess who feels entitled to whatever she wants.


Yes, she has her mind made up, and is not going to be confused by the facts. It's reprehensible. Make her "box" damned small. Just like offenders get. I left our joint account active, but had my paychecks deposited into another account in my name only. Every month, I put her allowance into the joint one. 

This is a situation where you have more power married than divorced. Use it. Don't be ashamed. Marriage is better when there is discussion, logical agreement, and cooperation. You don't have that. Therefore, YOU are the man in the can. It is biblical. Cooperation, equality, but you are the HEAD of the family.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Yes, and it doesn't help when her friends are involved with influencing her that she needs to enjoy her own money. I understand everyone advising divorce, but I'm in a moral battle to do it or not. I don't believe in divorce, which makes it hard.


Does she want a divorce? It’s insane that she moved out and is now paying more money instead of just finding a way to work through it with you. 

Also she just feel so controlled that she felt like she had to leave. Is there any room for compromising? I mean she needs to feel like she has say in her own marriage.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Diceplayer said:


> I've seen this before and she will not listen to reason. Face it FM, you have married a princess who feels entitled to whatever she wants. You won't change that by showing her the numbers and trying to reason with her. Hopefully, with her on her own, she will start to see it when she can't pay her own bills and you are not bailing her out.


Entitled seems to be an understatement. It's funny that everything she says about others is exactly what she does/is herself. I can't begin to count how many times she has said to my daughters that they think they are entitled for the simplest of things


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

FamilyMan216 said:


> No, I make more than her. She did start a college fund for our daughters through her job. Never was I coming up short financially because she always got what she wanted. My goal was paying off debt as fast as possible to become financially secure as a family, and begin creating our own retirement funds


And what as her goal? Because clearly you weren’t on the same page.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Honestly it sounds like if you two want to remain married, having your own separate bank accounts and splitting all the bills is the only way you aren’t perceived as controlling, and she has some financial freedom. 

But what is the deal with her living separate? I don’t understand what she is doing and what her plan is? It sounds like she wants to live the single life while having a cushy safety net. 

I think she needs a dose of reality. She can’t have her cake and eat it too. It’s not fair your being a good husband and father while she just takes takes takes. I personally think you should at least threaten divorce, make her think that you are serious and this is unacceptable. Do not let her give you the sense that she has the upper hand and therefore you need to negotiate with her.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> And what as her goal? Because clearly you weren’t on the same page.


She claimed to have wanted the same to secure our future. But periodically during a given month she would complain about money even though she got what she wanted


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Does she want a divorce? It’s insane that she moved out and is now paying more money instead of just finding a way to work through it with you.
> 
> Also she just feel so controlled that she felt like she had to leave. Is there any room for compromising? I mean she needs to feel like she has say in her own marriage.


She's never mentioned divorce, but says she doesn't want to work on the marriage because of financial and emotional abuse. The truth is, her mother destroyed her during her upbringing. I have offered several times throughout the years to split accounts and bills. I have tried many options, but it's hard when she says she's okay with the plan to budget and pay the debt off...yet she's not. She just says she wants to be financially independent and she gets from her friends influence


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

FamilyMan216 said:


> She's never mentioned divorce, but says she doesn't want to work on the marriage because of financial and emotional abuse. The truth is, her mother destroyed her during her upbringing. I have offered several times throughout the years to split accounts and bills. I have tried many options, but it's hard when she says she's okay with the plan to budget and pay the debt off...yet she's not. She just says she wants to be financially independent and she gets from her friends influence


So she is giving you an ultimatum? It’s her way or the highway. 

What will it take for her to come back home? What does financial freedom mean to her? Isn’t the obvious solution for you to separate accounts and split bills? And be accountable for any new debt. The only problem would be how you agree to pay off current debts.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Honestly it sounds like if you two want to remain married, having your own separate bank accounts and splitting all the bills is the only way you aren’t perceived as controlling, and she has some financial freedom.
> 
> But what is the deal with her living separate? I don’t understand what she is doing and what her plan is? It sounds like she wants to live the single life while having a cushy safety net.
> 
> I think she needs a dose of reality. She can’t have her cake and eat it too. It’s not fair your being a good husband and father while she just takes takes takes. I personally think you should at least threaten divorce, make her think that you are serious and this is unacceptable. Do not let her give you the sense that she has the upper hand and therefore you need to negotiate with her.


I've done a good job of making sure she and my daughters had their wants and needs plus taking annual family trips all while budgeting and paying the debt. I was doing very little for myself to make that happen and never asked for praise or acknowledgement


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

File for legal separation and ask for child support.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> So she is giving you an ultimatum? It’s her way or the highway.
> 
> What will it take for her to come back home? What does financial freedom mean to her? Isn’t the obvious solution for you to separate accounts and split bills? And be accountable for any new debt. The only problem would be how you agree to pay off current debts.


Wish I knew what it would take to get her back home because my daughters are suffering. I agreed to split accounts and bills back in February. I even told her if it was that much of an issue she could've stopped her direct deposit a long time ago and split bills. Her definition of financial freedom is full control of the money she makes and where it goes and when. I've been prepared to compromise to get things back on track. Her friends influenced her to get her own place to achieve financial freedom. She lacks understanding of the importance of her family vs friends


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

IMO: Sadly, I do not see this as about financial issues, but about control and independence--from what most would think reasonable in marriage. Right now she sees herself as 'essential' in every way. There seems to be a bit of mental instability regarding spending. Does she have a mental health diagnosis?

Money is said to be the cause of many divorces--although infidelity is a close second these days. How cruel that your daughters are suffering. Is she a warm, loving mom when in residence? Or is she going through the motions, self-absorbed, superficial.

Sounds like she has toxic friends--do they know the truth? Actually, maybe, because of the way she was raised, family is not as important as friends to her. Family devotion requires more sacrifice than friends.

I've already told you my story about 'in sickness and in health.' Sir, talking to a lawyer as has been suggested, can be a wise preventative move as opposed to a death-knell.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm so sorry to hear this...your girls must be suffering as well as you. I think it's time to give her what she wants. She wants financial freedom than either file for divorce and have a lawyer help you with a settlement that gives her her half of the debt or at the very least file a separation agreement that does the same. 

I'm a nurse and yes, I work my ass off most days. That doesn't mean I "deserve" to treat my family like crap, abandon my daughters and husband, and leave all the debt to him to pay off. She's living in a fantasy land if she thinks you own all that debt alone. I'm willing to bet if she weren't in your life you wouldn't have all that debt. My ex and I split up all our debt evenly, didn't matter whose name was on the card.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I agree with the other poster that says this isn’t about money. She can have financial freedom, you told her she can and she still moved out. 

You need to start to demand an explanation. Something doesn’t add up. Maybe it’s time for a legal separation, where she gets the kids half the time and you get some freedom.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> IMO: Sadly, I do not see this as about financial issues, but about control and independence--from what most would think reasonable in marriage. Right now she sees herself as 'essential' in every way. There seems to be a bit of mental instability regarding spending. Does she have a mental health diagnosis?
> 
> Money is said to be the cause of many divorces--although infidelity is a close second these days. How cruel that your daughters are suffering. Is she a warm, loving mom when in residence? Or is she going through the motions, self-absorbed, superficial.
> 
> ...


She was diagnosed with depression and I believe she has ADHD. She does text and call my daughters daily, but like I said she is literally 5 minutes driving distance from us. When my oldest asked why she doesn't make an effort to see them more often than once per week, her response was ”I need to go home shower and sleep, so I don't have time.” 

Her friends are definitely toxic. She tells no one the truth, only rewrites the truth to make herself feel like the victim. Always leaving out the major details of what she's doing or done.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

FamilyMan216 said:


> She was diagnosed with depression and I believe she has ADHD. She does text and call my daughters daily, but like I said she is literally 5 minutes driving distance from us. When my oldest asked why she doesn't make an effort to see them more often than once per week, her response was ”I need to go home shower and sleep, so I don't have time.”
> 
> Her friends are definitely toxic. She tells no one the truth, only rewrites the truth to make herself feel like the victim. Always leaving out the major details of what she's doing or done.


It sounds like your wife is toxic. She is a grown women.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> I'm so sorry to hear this...your girls must be suffering as well as you. I think it's time to give her what she wants. She wants financial freedom than either file for divorce and have a lawyer help you with a settlement that gives her her half of the debt or at the very least file a separation agreement that does the same.
> 
> I'm a nurse and yes, I work my ass off most days. That doesn't mean I "deserve" to treat my family like crap, abandon my daughters and husband, and leave all the debt to him to pay off. She's living in a fantasy land if she thinks you own all that debt alone. I'm willing to bet if she weren't in your life you wouldn't have all that debt. My ex and I split up all our debt evenly, didn't matter whose name was on the card.


I don't understand it at all and it doesn't add up. Based on her behavior I would say something mental because her mother also has mental issues. I may go the legal separation route if she doesn't respond to my next communication to get it together and start to repair our family. I know it's not about me personally as she claims because she doesn't treat our daughters as such. She hasn't seen them for an entire week and makes no true effort until they get upset.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

FamilyMan216 said:


> She's never mentioned divorce, but says she doesn't want to work on the marriage because of financial and emotional abuse. The truth is, her mother destroyed her during her upbringing. I have offered several times throughout the years to split accounts and bills. I have tried many options, but it's hard when she says she's okay with the plan to budget and pay the debt off...yet she's not. She just says she wants to be financially independent and she gets from her friends influence


So, she wants to Live APART, but still stay married? Does that mean SHE isn't going to date/see other men while she "lives elsewhere"? I BET she isn't thinking that way. 
I would make sure you get a FORMAL separation agreement to protect yourself and your kids, and also start the proceedings toward REALLY separating (i.e. Divorce). She wants what she wants, well tell her you love her enough to give that to her -- her freedom from you and your "abusive" ways.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> It sounds like your wife is toxic. She is a grown women.


Well she told my 15 year old daughter that ”nobody is going to kiss your a$$” when asked why she doesn't consider our feelings as result of her actions


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

FamilyMan216 said:


> She was diagnosed with depression and I believe she has ADHD.


So, STOP making excuses for her -- if she has depression, she should be under a Dr's care and being treated with meds. IF you think the MEDS are affecting her thinking (and they CERTAINLY can do that), then it needs to be brought up with her and her medical team.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> So, STOP making excuses for her -- if she has depression, she should be under a Dr's care and being treated with meds. IF you think the MEDS are affecting her thinking (and they CERTAINLY can do that), then it needs to be brought up with her and her medical team.


She refused medication when she was diagnosed back in October. Her reason was she doesn't want to feel like she's crazy


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

FamilyMan216 said:


> She refused medication when she was diagnosed back in October. Her reason was she doesn't want to feel like she's crazy


Oh my...and she's a nurse...not a good attitude at all. I think you really need to protect yourself here. If her mental illness includes manic episodes she could charge up thousands of dollars in just one day. Please, please...stop all the joint accounts and get it in writing NOW that you are separated so you won't be responsible for her new purchases. This is to protect you and your daughters. I'd get your daughters into some counseling as well. They need to understand that her behavior has nothing to do with them and everything to do with HER.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to accept that she doesn’t care about you or your marriage. And apparently she cares very little for her daughters. Maybe that was always true or maybe that’s new. Only she knows the answer. What she does care a great deal about is living separately. Now what she does with her all new freedom is unknown but it’s certainly not focused on being with you and her daughters. And don’t think she’s spending her time by herself trying to figure out how to make this work. She’s living like she’s single. Think about that for a moment. Of course, once she gets all of “this” out of her system she may decide to return. My guess is that you’ll take her back if that happens. That’s not really in your best interest but people go against their best interest all the time so there’s that. Good luck.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

FamilyMan216 said:


> She refused medication when she was diagnosed back in October. Her reason was she doesn't want to feel like she's crazy


Not to be callous, but too late -- she is already acting well out of her norm according to you. Depression meds, if the correct ones, don't "make you crazy" -- quite the opposite.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I would tell your kids to respectfully but bluntly express to her how she is making them feel. If a women’s kids can’t get through to her no one can.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I would tell your kids to respectfully but bluntly express to her how she is making them feel. If a women’s kids can’t get through to her no one can.


They do and she tells them it's disrespectful and to stay in a child's place. I thought she would listen to them, but she just turns it around and makes it about what she feels. Once they tell her to listen to their feelings she says she doesn't want to talk anymore and that's why I have them in counseling


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Not to be callous, but too late -- she is already acting well out of her norm according to you. Depression meds, if the correct ones, don't "make you crazy" -- quite the opposite.


Agreed, but she says the fact she would have to take meds would make her feel labeled crazy


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

FM, why do you believe you can make this work if she comes home? She doesn't care about going to debt. She's combative when challenged. She isn't going to go to therapy or take her meds. What solution are you expecting to reach if she comes home?


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

nekonamida said:


> FM, why do you believe you can make this work if she comes home? She doesn't care about going to debt. She's combative when challenged. She isn't going to go to therapy or take her meds. What solution are you expecting to reach if she comes home?


Good question! I guess I'm just being foolish in trying to honor my vows and thinking it's a temporary phase that she'll snap out of. My daughters have hope, so I'm trying to hope with them


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Good question! I guess I'm just being foolish in trying to honor my vows and thinking it's a temporary phase that she'll snap out of. My daughters have hope, so I'm trying to hope with them


I hear ya. But don’t let her take advantage of you too much. And you need to establish strong boundaries of what you will not accept.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I hear ya. But don’t let her take advantage of you too much. And you need to establish strong boundaries of what you will not accept.


Thinking about sending her one more text since I haven't initiated any contact with her in over a month


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

So, what are you going to say in the text that she does not already know? You have shown her the facts relative to finances.

Has she ever been sexually abused as far as you know? How have other parts of your marriage been? You want to take the moral high road and keep your vows, but that is mostly legalistic. You only express emotions when your children are involved.

This became worse 3-4 years ago. Did something happen at that time? We have sort of ignored the BPD possibilities. Do you ever feel that no matter what you do, you are always wrong? Hoping you have done a lot of research on BPD. Our BPD guru might be of some help. @Uptown.

You have an appointment with a lawyer this week. Listen to her/him and hasten to do as suggested.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> So, what are you going to say in the text that she does not already know? You have shown her the facts relative to finances.
> 
> Has she ever been sexually abused as far as you know? How have other parts of your marriage been? You want to take the moral high road and keep your vows, but that is mostly legalistic. You only express emotions when your children are involved.
> 
> ...


Not sure what I can say in the text. Her grandmother whom she was very close to died 5 years ago. The money issues started about 4 years ago and yes, no matter what I do she's never satisfied...always wants more. She pulled the ”you’re not affectionate enough” card on me, but I put extreme thought into everything we did. My therapist also said it sounds like BPD. She always takes feedback as yelling or attacking, which is frustrating. I do assume there is something from her childhood that she hasn't told me about. In previous conversations over the years, she would always say there were things she needs to deal with from her childhood, but never elaborated.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Entitled seems to be an understatement. It's funny that everything she says about others is exactly what she does/is herself. I can't begin to count how many times she has said to my daughters that they think they are entitled for the simplest of things


From what you write, it looks like it is not just entitlement. It is outright defiance. It's almost like a teenager rebelling against authority. You represent a persona of responsibility and limitations. That's why, as you say, even when she gets what she wants, she is not happy. It's not the issue of wanting this item of clothing or this piece of jewelry, etc. It's the issue of being RESTRICTED and LIMITED, even in the face of reality and responsible behavior. That's what she is rebelling against. That's why she calls you "financially abusive" instead of just being a "worrier" or "tightwad" or "miser". Because you represent limitations. 

Honestly, she actually needs counseling to work through this self-destructive rebellion, in my opinion.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Not sure what I can say in the text. Her grandmother whom she was very close to died 5 years ago. The money issues started about 4 years ago and yes, no matter what I do she's never satisfied...always wants more. She pulled the ”you’re not affectionate enough” card on me, but I put extreme thought into everything we did. My therapist also said it sounds like BPD. She always takes feedback as yelling or attacking, which is frustrating. I do assume there is something from her childhood that she hasn't told me about. In previous conversations over the years, she would always say there were things she needs to deal with from her childhood, but never elaborated.


Most women do not truly appreciate the effort given by their spouse as affection. Have you asked what she means when she says you are not affectionate enough--as in examples? What is her Love Language?
Find out about her childhood and you will discover many answers to your questions! Read about Dialectical Behavior Therapy. There is a DBT Clinical Resource Directory maintained by an organization founded by Dr. Marsha Linehan (Behavioral Tech).


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

FamilyMan216 said:


> She refused medication when she was diagnosed back in October. Her reason was she doesn't want to feel like she's crazy


Run, run far away. Your wife is just worried about getting her way as much as possible with as little challenge or effort as possible. Everything is about her. What is the advantage to her getting her behavior under control? In her view, she's going to be doing hard work (therapy and medication) to learn to accept that she needs to lower her expectations.

To her, that's a loss all around. A normal person would worry about getting their behavior under control to not hurt their loved ones. But, your wife is not there. She wants to know that she's okay and that's it; that's why she doesn't even want to talk to your kids.

Why would you want to subject yourself (and, perhaps more importantly, your kids) to that sort of behavior? You all are better off without her.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Wolfman1968 said:


> From what you write, it looks like it is not just entitlement. It is outright defiance. It's almost like a teenager rebelling against authority. You represent a persona of responsibility and limitations. That's why, as you say, even when she gets what she wants, she is not happy. It's not the issue of wanting this item of clothing or this piece of jewelry, etc. It's the issue of being RESTRICTED and LIMITED, even in the face of reality and responsible behavior. That's what she is rebelling against. That's why she calls you "financially abusive" instead of just being a "worrier" or "tightwad" or "miser". Because you represent limitations.
> 
> Honestly, she actually needs counseling to work through this self-destructive rebellion, in my opinion.


Ironic that you say that. She has said countless times that she doesn't know why she shuts down to me, and that she needed counseling to work through the issue. 

My therapist wants to get all 4 of us in counseling together, not just my daughters and I, to really get to the issue because something isn't adding up. 

You're absolutely right that she does not like restrictions and does rebel as she has admitted. Most of our disagreements have been triggered by money. She claims she has never felt equal, but I have letters and text messages she wrote me saying how great of a husband and example for our daughters I am. 

Also, she has mentioned to our daughters that she is jealous of them having a close relationship with me, even telling my 15 year old daughter ”I’m his wife not you.” It's almost as if she felt she was in competition with my daughters for my attention


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> Most women do not truly appreciate the effort given by their spouse as affection. Have you asked what she means when she says you are not affectionate enough--as in examples? What is her Love Language?
> Find out about her childhood and you will discover many answers to your questions! Read about Dialectical Behavior Therapy. There is a DBT Clinical Resource Directory maintained by an organization founded by Dr. Marsha Linehan (Behavioral Tech).


I have asked and she said compliments and physical affection. However, I did compliment her, it was just not all day each day. I was more of the show my love through action. I was sexually abused as a child and never spoke of until this past January after an argument we had. I realized it caused me to be uncomfortable the affection at certain times, not just with my wife, but family and friends in general. I brought it to my wife's attention because I knew I began to see I was subconsciously blocking it out, but it was affecting me showing love through physical touch. I'm even uncomfortable with kissing or hugging my daughters. 

I promised my wife that I would make adjustments because I do love her and think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Just that one conversation was a huge weight off my shoulders as I carried that around over 30 years.

It became easier to show more affection to my wife and compliment her verbally more often, but she said it seemed forced. However, it was genuine from my end because it's something I always wanted to do and I was proud of my breakthrough.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Plenty of parents are jealous of their children and the attention they get — especially when it involves same-sex children — so it’s entirely possible she’s jealous of your daughters. And competing with them. But you’ve got much bigger issues to deal with. She‘s a very self-absorbed person and people like her see no reason they should change (although they want everyone else to).


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Plenty of parents are jealous of their children and the attention they get — especially when it involves same-sex children — so it’s entirely possible she’s jealous of your daughters. But you’ve got much bigger issues to deal with. She‘s a very self-absorbed person and people like her see no reason they should change (although they want everyone else to).


You hit the bullseye with that because she only request changes from others, but when we request changes from her, it's either attacking or she says ”I guess I can't do anything right”


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people have more narcissistic tendencies than others. My guess is she has a few.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Thinking about sending her one more text since I haven't initiated any contact with her in over a month


So what has your wife been doing off by herself for the past month? Do you have ANY idea? Sounds like the irresponsibility can go off in many directions, not just financial.
Be wary that if she goes SO deep in debt that she will want to come back and "nice" you to take her back, because she's broke.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> So what has your wife been doing off by herself for the past month? Do you have ANY idea? Sounds like the irresponsibility can go off in many directions, not just financial.
> Be wary that if she goes SO deep in debt that she will want to come back and "nice" you to take her back, because she's broke.


Not sure as to what exactly she's been doing to be honest


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Not sure as to what exactly she's been doing to be honest


Don't worry about it. Get a good attorney and file.
She abandoned you and your children.
She has been financially irresponsible. Then she thought having the overhead of a second household would be helpful.
She is mentally unstable. I hope you have documented her actions.
You have had to place your kids in counseling because of her abandonment. You have noted times that she has been cruel and disrespectful to them.
On top of it all, her friends seem to have more agency in your marriage than you do.
She is absolutely toxic. She should bear the brunt of that.
Go for sole custody. She moved out. The only time she is near her children is when they call. They have to be sick of it.
Free yourself, and allow her to go do her own thing (whatever that is.) Under no circumstances, should you take her back.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> Don't worry about it. Get a good attorney and file.
> She abandoned you and your children.
> She has been financially irresponsible. Then she thought having the overhead of a second household would be helpful.
> She is mentally unstable. I hope you have documented her actions.
> ...


My situation hurts like hell and it sucks bad!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

are you sure she is not cheating?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

FamilyMan216 said:


> My situation hurts like hell and it sucks bad!


That is clear.
I feel for you and your children.
It's painful to read. I can't even imagine having to live it.
It takes two to make a marriage work. Evidently, your wife is unwilling or unable to step up and do her part.
In the interim, you and your kids are suffering.
I know it is easy for me to say, and harder for you to do but the only viable option is for you to move on.
Your filing might jolt her to action, but deep down you know it would be long term pain for a short term gain.
Pull the bandaid off once, and get it done.
She can only hurt you and your kids with your permission.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> are you sure she is not cheating?


Doubt it, but can't say for sure


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> That is clear.
> I feel for you and your children.
> It's painful to read. I can't even imagine having to live it.
> It takes two to make a marriage work. Evidently, your wife is unwilling or unable to step up and do her part.
> ...


I understand and all that is what makes it tough. I'm going to give it one more go through text or call before making the serious choice


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> That is clear.
> I feel for you and your children.
> It's painful to read. I can't even imagine having to live it.
> It takes two to make a marriage work. Evidently, your wife is unwilling or unable to step up and do her part.
> ...


I think I'm carrying a lot of hurt from her not being here to support me and our daughters when my mother passed away from cancer a couple of months ago. Also, in January when I revealed my childhood sexual abuse to her, she said she would be here to always support me...by my side, and then 3 days later she said ”I can't do this anymore.” Then at the beginning of this month my youngest daughter had back surgery and spent the first 3 weeks on bed rest. Oddly she didn't come visit my daughter once, just phone calls and text. Don't forget she only lives 5 minutes driving distance away. I wouldn't wish this on anyone


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

FamilyMan216 said:


> I think I'm carrying a lot of hurt from her not being here to support me and our daughters when my mother passed away from cancer a couple of months ago. Also, in January when I revealed my childhood sexual abuse to her, she said she would be here to always support me...by my side, and then 3 days later she said ”I can't do this anymore.” Then at the beginning of this month my youngest daughter had back surgery and spent the first 3 weeks on bed rest. Oddly she didn't come visit my daughter once, just phone calls and text. Don't forget she only lives 5 minutes driving distance away. I wouldn't wish this on anyone


So, in other words, you need to suck it up and cover her wants and needs consistently. But she feels she should be free to meet or not meet her commitments to you just depending on how she happens to feel in the moment.

See a pattern here?


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

DTO said:


> So, in other words, you need to suck it up and cover her wants and needs consistently. But she feels she should be free to meet or not meet her commitments to you just depending on how she happens to feel in the moment.
> 
> See a pattern here?


I definitely feel foolish at times


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## vincent3 (May 31, 2018)

Has she always been this way with money? 

Have there been any other things that she initially agreed to, then resisted following through?


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

vincent3 said:


> Has she always been this way with money?
> 
> Have there been any other things that she initially agreed to, then resisted following through?


She got this way with money in the last 4-5 years. As far as I remember, she has only agreed to paying off debt and not staying out until 2a-3a when she's out with her friends but not followed through. My daughters were with her yesterday and says she replaced them as her screen saver on her phone with a pictures her friend's and herself on both the home and lock screen


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## vincent3 (May 31, 2018)

It sounds like she decided she wants to live for herself.

As others have said, follow your lawyer's advice to protect yourself from any debt she's accumulating. Regardless of separate accounts and living arrangements, you might still be on the hook until you get legally separated.


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