# Should I divorce over this? Please help.



## pleasehelpme (Feb 14, 2010)

Hello, 

I really don't know who to turn to for help now, so strangers seemed like the way to go.. most objective. I told my mom about this and she wants me to stay with him for her own reasons. So here is the story. I have only been married to my husband for a couple years.. We have a 1 year old child. He came home shaking and upset yesterday and said we needed to talk. He confessed that before he met me he had been having an affair with a married woman for ten years. And not only that, it was with an older almost "mother" figure. You see he was an exchange student here in high school and lived with a host family. Well when he was 17 his host mother took a likeing too him and seduced him apparantly.. and then this went on and off for 10 years.. until abotu the time he met me. I knew about this women only because when we got together she started sending me weird letters saying that she was glad he finally met the "one"... THen she kept harassing him (this was the beginning of our relationship several years ago) and calling him.. and was jealous that she was spending so much time with me. I stupidly at the time never even thought he was capable of sleeping with this lady! I jsut assumed (and he told me at the time) that she probably looked at him as the son she could never have.... well when this was all going on several years ago he failed to mention that they were having an affair! ANd after marrying him and having a child with him, years later she apparantly left him a voicemail saying that she was going to tell me about the affair because her husband found out and is divorcing her.. and she wants to break my marriage up because my hsuband "broke hers up"... UGH!!! and the only reason he is telling me this now is because she threatened to tell me.. SO YES I do realize this all happened before he met me and he hasn't cheated on me.. YES I do realize this is in the past.. HOWEVER I am now thinking my whole marriage has been a lie because the person that I thought my husband was is a lie now.. SO I feel like I was duped these past 3 years into thinking I had married a moralistic wonderful man.. YES he does seem remorseful and has cried and has even threatened to kill himself if I leave him.. But right now I am so angry, hurt and frustrated... Please help. I want to do what is best for our young child. My mom said that it isn't just about me and I have to forgive my husband for not coming forward with this info when she was harassing him and me at the beginning of our relationship.. because if he did I surely wouldn't have married him or conceived a child with him!!!! But now here is where I am.. the seemingly perfect man I married isn't so much in light of this knowledge and I don't know what to do


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

OK, So if i read this all correctly, you say you thought he was the perfect man. Also "seems" you don't believe that he was seeing you at the the same time as her, and if it was, it was a small overlap at the beginning of your relationship.
I'm positive that there are details missing here but based on what you said, you should definately get divorced asap. Not because your husband did someting in his past which you find not moral but becaue YOU "seem" unable to accept him and love him as a less than perfect person, which i can only assume you are. Please tell me i'm missing something here.

To me looks like you love an idea... NOT a person.


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## pleasehelpme (Feb 14, 2010)

Gotcha.. no I am not perfect.. but I have certain moral beliefs.. and looking back at conversations we had over the past 3 years about infedility and things like that.. I thought we were on the same page.. knowing he has this past now makes me feel sick, and fooled. I can accept a not perfect human being.. and he claims this ended a year before we met.. but thinking about the deceit it takes someone to sneak behind a husbands mans back to sleep with his wife multiple times over 10 years disgusts me.. and makes me wonder what else he is capable of.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Sorry. dont mean to seem like this is contentious, or anything...honestly.
I still contest you don't love your husband.

It's possible and apparent that the "thing" he did was "disgusting" to you and if it crosses the line so much for you that he cannot be forgiven, then again there is no question you should get divorced.

I understand what you're saying. I just think you should be digging deeper, to see if your "idea" of him is correct or incorrect.
It's very possible that he loathed himself for doing it, but was weak, lured by her... you seem to be giving him NO benefit of the doubt.. Thats a pretty scary thing to me and could not imagine my soul being treated that hard and cold.

Do you love him or not? and that's not a rhetorical question.


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## pleasehelpme (Feb 14, 2010)

Yes.. but I am extremely shocked by this... and blindsighted... I didn't expect this.... I can't just forgive and forget.. there is a process to this.. forgiveness.. isn't there.. ? Although he didn't cheat on me, I still feel cheated...


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

I guess you could say there is a process. You think about it.. Decide you love him and you say. Well maybe not something I would have done. It is his past. I love him. He's been a good husband. YAY Forgiven!!... process complete.

Im worried about the stress of this for him. You probably have NO idea how bad this makes him feel emotionally speaking. As I said before, you probably have NO idea how bad he felt about it (if he did) and certainly you have NO idea or dont care what hell he is going through knowing that something he did in the past and cannot change has come back like the devil to ruin his present with you.. his wife, who now turns her head away from him... WOW ... You're not going to like this... but in a way he should now be forgiving you.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

I want to add... thinking about the implication of this.

Someone does "something" which is deemed imoral. That person is then therefore, obligated to divulge this to every person he/she meets AT the beginning of relationship mind you, afterwhich, being rejected and bannished for life to the lot of the unloveable ... how horrendously sad!


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## pleasehelpme (Feb 14, 2010)

Point taken. THanks for the help.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You are missing a big part of the equation here: he was a minor when the relationship began. He was the younger, more vulnerable person. What happens when young makes a big impact that is hard to "undo" but it sounds like he finally figured out how to stop himself from involvement with this woman and moved on from that past.

His past made him who he is today, warts and all. Absent any evidence of immoral behavior now, why blame him for having such a painful learning experience? 

One more thing: each of us is capable of behaviors we cannot even imagine, given the right circumstances. To sit in judgment is to assume you would "never" do anything immoral. Until you have lived in the shoes of others, you cannot know that. He was wrong not to have told you, when your relationship became serious, that he had been seduced by this woman, perhaps, if it was the sort of thing he knew would be important to you. But maybe you seemed very self-righteous. Learn about yourself from this and at least try to forgive--yes, it can take time, but try not to punish him in the meanwhile. Good luck.


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## pleasehelpme (Feb 14, 2010)

Ok so I tried to forgive him.. I told him that I love him and that this is in the past.. he was so incredibly appreciative.. but the terrible thing (which makes this whole thing WORSE) is that the woman who seduced him and lured him for 10 years and kept the affair from her husband is now getting a divorce and coming after my husband.. threatening him.. And today her husband wrote to my husband.. turns out the husband still doesn't know about this!!! He wanted to let my husband know that he was thinking of him and he was getting a divorce and he hoped they could be friendly again... (they used to be very friendly but my husband stopped being his buddy and kept his distance once he met me... probably out of guilt). My new question is this.. so I can forgive my husband because this happened before I met him.. BUT should my husband tell this man that he slept with his wife for 10 years?? I am struggling with that as they are already getting a divorce.. my husband has moved on from his past mistakes... and now the husband wants to rekindle a friendship with him.. I never thought in falling in love with this man would have me feeling like I am in the middle of a made for tv movie with this drama!!! I can't handle it.. I didn't ask for this.. This woman is crazy and I fear she will do anything to break up my marriage.. she has a background in psychology and she used her knowledge to brainwash my husband for 10 years.. he has moved on but she won't go away.. I don't know if I should stick with my husband.. get a lawyer and try to get this woman in jail for harassing him, (his parents also)... and seducing him when he was a minor... I don't know.. I am just venting.. that is why part of me thinks it would be easier to just walk away from this marriage.. which is hard because I do love him and we do have a 1 year old child.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Start documenting the woman's threats--record phone calls and keep emails, for example. Is she contacting him through work-related phones/emails? He should talk to his security people and explain he is being harassed by a former partner. He does not need to give other details. They will want to protect him and their work place from someone potentially unstable (and she may well be). Whichever accounts are involved (home and/or work) doesn't matter for this one: he needs to send her a final email indicating she must stop all contact immediately, he has notified authorities, and he will not respond to any further contact. Let her threaten: you know about it, so "the worst" has happened. 

She's using his fear of exposure of something unknown or of lies she'll make up to keep him in contact. Quit playing her game. Remember that if push came to shove, all her contacts with him--that she's initiated--can be traced electronically; how often she called or texted him, emails she sent, etc. 

Contact the police about advice for how to respond/protect yourselves at home. If they recommend having a lawyer contact her, do it--worth the cost. Once you get your ducks in a row with a wall of support, she'll have to be totally whacked to move forward. As for that, don't be fearful but don't be stupid, either. Chances are good she'll just disappear if you take the measures you are advised to take (security dept. at work, cops). 

all of the above is assuming he has come clean with everything. If he refuses to take these measures, he is hiding something. Tell him the only way out is to divulge it b/c that's all she can do: divulge something he doesn't want others to know, and he can and should start with you. Make sure his actions follow his words. If he says there is nothing more, then he needs to talk to security at work ASAP and the two of you need to meet with a cop. 

I went through this when still with my ex, but the woman was just a former colleague and my ex had never had a relationship with her. She already had a record of some disruptive behavior with the cops in her town, so the mere threat from us to contact the police if she contacted him again was all it took. We got our advice from his work's security people, and it was all very professional. People get harassed by someone unstable sometimes-everyone knows that. His reputation will not be tarnished. If anything, people tend to feel bad that b/c he was a nice person to someone, that person targeted him, and few people will know about it, anyway. They will not ask for details; they will trust that if she had anything more than threats, she'd have acted legally a long time ago. 

Good luck.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Ok - similar situation but from the opposite side.

i cheated on my ex. I told my current husband after almost a year of being engaged. I was met with acceptance and love. He knew my past marriage had been rough (not giving me a pass) and said he didn't know what my life was really like at that point and wasn't going to judge me based on my past - as I was truly remorseful and had learned valuable lessons about myself. I didn't have to tell him - no one else knows.

Do you really want to judge him based on his past before you. I mean he broke it off with her for YOU. That should mean something. 

As for telling the other man - I don't know. I would never tell the wife of the other person in my case - as it is not my place to tear that family apart. It is between the husband and wife - not me as I no longer want to play a part in their life.

As for the wife - get a restraining order for harassment. That way she will have to leave you alone.


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## pleasehelpme (Feb 14, 2010)

thank you...


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