# Oh boy..Long separation story



## LMNS (Nov 7, 2016)

I just need some solid advice and i feel lost. I married a Canadian, i am a U.S. Citizen who has PR in Canada. He is 15 years younger than me. I wasn't looking for kind of relationship, but it happened.

Prior to the below happening, in May we went on vacation to Vegas - then to a hot springs for a long weekend. Had an awesome time, never knew anything was up. We had a bad June because he became friends with a female co-worker close to my age. He was enamoured by her, told me all about her, her past stories, her life etc. She would call late at night to talk to him, he would text a LOT, more than normal IMO, and was starting to tell me he wanted to hang out with her a few hours before work while she did her errands, going on hikes alone with her, riding to Vancouver so she could pick up a car etc. Of course i was old fashioned and just jealous. This caused a lot of grief for the last month before the below happened. 

We were married in 2011 - in July of 2016 he told me he wanted to be "26". That we grew apart, we wanted different things (news to me) and he was scared if we got back together we would fall back into the same "routine". He said we still had lots in common and being friends later would be easier over time.

I figured at that time, he just wanted to date, have fun, hang out with his "new" friends (up until March of this year, he didn't have friends) so that was the real reasoning behind wanting a divorce. He said he did not want me to internalize the guilt. He said he never regretted marrying me and he wouldn't be where he was, without me. (he had social anxiety, i was his first everything, supported him through his first real job, his first 2 years of college etc) 
I did apologize for the reasonings i thought i contributed to our issues, i really believed it was my fault and i still do.
I asked him when he fell out of love with me, he said he didn't know cause it would come and go? He said when we were getting along it was there, when we weren't, it was lost.

So in July i suggested a trial separation, he said yes. A few days later i found that he searched, "how to hit on your female friend. How to make your female friend, your friend". So being we did not discuss any rules/boundaries yet with regards to the trail separation, i was devastated finding this out. We had no intention of taking our rings off either. When i questioned him about it he couldn't deny it. He said, if i can't date, then i want a divorce. Then he just took his ring off and said, lets just make this a separation.
The next day i admitted myself into the hospital cause i had thoughts of harming myself for the first time in my life. It scared me. He went to the hospital of course, cried, felt like ****, said he thought of going back to me but knew he would resent me if he did. The next day i checked myself out.

I asked in Aug. if he wanted to work on our relationship, maybe see each other once a week, but not discuss "us". He said no.

A LOT happened between July and now - I lived in our apartment till mid September. He came and went (guess he was staying at his new friends places) It was difficult to see him come and go, but i had no other place to be. Again, long story, but i ended up having to stay with his mom. She and i got along for the first 2 weeks of the month i was there. She was upset this was happening, but of course, in a tight spot because, well, its her son.

I went through 2 jobs since July - I finally got a job after 9 interviews in Oct. I had a little bit of $$ from my previous employment, but that ran out. I had to wait 3 weeks until i got paid and when i did, it was a weeks worth and all spent for bills. I hinted i needed help etc, he said if i asked for support he would take my car and cell away. I would f*ck him over by doing that. In Canada, you sign a sponsorship agreement, he legally had 1 year to go to support my basic needs. Also, he could of been obligated for spousal support. I tried to get legal advice/lawyer but i made a bit too much. I felt stuck.

I had no one to turn to other than his family who had turned recently, more into supporting him. (again, i understand)
I came back home. I took two suitcases and thats it. I left what little stuff we split and i got, behind at his mothers.
There were a few things of "mine" that we split, at his place. 

I didn't tell him i was leaving, i couldn't bare seeing him. He did tell me in July, if i wanted to go home, he would help me. But of course at that time i did not and i was stubborn. 

I got in touch with him 2 days later, told him i was safe etc. He asked if i was coming back, i said, i'd like to....but i don't have a date yet.
He told me that my stuff was gone.

A week prior to me leaving i asked if he was dating someone because i had a suspicion. He told me they weren't together at that time, but it was a possibly one day. Neither wanted to rush into anything. See for me, any slight moving on didn't take place until Sept when i moved in with his mother. Even then it wasn't really "moving on".

We had a decent conversation last week, just normal stuff, talked more than we normally did in the last few months.
A few days later i see on Facebook his new relationship status. The girl i questioned him about.
I think i hurt more finding out that way, then from him. I know he didn't have an obligation to tell me, but...

Being back in my home state has helped, but man, i feel stuck now dwelling on this new relationship. I told him he would hear from my counsel - that i felt like he could of been a bit more district about this relationship so soon. He then blocked me and so did his roommate (who i hadn't talked to in months) His mom de-friended me as well. 
A friend of a friend told me that he would fight me with regards to the divorce. I don't even know what i'll be asking for at this time. I only want whats fair and i'm all the way here in the U.S. not sure what he expected me to do or ask for.

How do i stop being in love with him? I love him with all my soul and he is with another. How can i do this?

Thank you


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

LMNS said:


> How do i stop being in love with him? I love him with all my soul and he is with another. How can i do this?
> 
> Thank you


I can't speak to your other issues, but this might help with the part of your post I snipped out and quoted.

https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@LMNS


> How do i stop being in love with him? I love him with all my soul and he is with another. How can i do this?


First, you do not stop him. His is already dead in the water....the toilet water. That toilet water dissolved the hull of your love boat. The boat sank. You love the thought of him. Your perceived image of him. That person never existed. He used you for an ego boost. He used you for sex. He now has another notch carved on his sex pistol. For him it is all about conquest. He will soon dump his current squeeze. SumBytch he is. 

Second, you love him with all of your soul....he loves you with all of the sole of his boot. The unpolished boot bottom that he presses to your soft, feminine neck.

Third, he is with another? No, he is with an udder....the sucking part of a cow that has no qualms about stealing another women's husband. She is a skank. A un-lady-like skunk!

Fourth, how can I do this? THIS is war. Get a wartime Consigliere. A junk yard lawyer. One whose motto is "I will make him pay".


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, your first mistake was letting him date his coworker. 

Cut contact with him and get legal representation. What a jerk.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

The first step to moving on is to get that divorce started. 

After that, stop thinking about him. Every time you catch yourself thinking about him, distract yourself with something else. Eventually, you will think of him less and less.

Go out and get involved. Volunteer. Take up a hobby. Go to MeetUp and find local groups who share your interests. Keeping busy and the passage of time are your allies.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Seems he is an immature cake eater type. Wants you but also every other "friend" he makes along the way and to push you out of the way when this happens. Stop thinking about this guy and what he did to you and plan your future without him. Maybe join a dating service and take your picture with other guys and send to him.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

@LMNS

If I understand correctly, he was 21 when you married and you were 36. It doesn't help it hurt less, but you should come to an acceptance that you marriage had very little chance of surviving. I would not say that he used you. Instead, he was just way to young and immature to make a long-term decision.

Secondly, not having any savings at age 41 and consequently living with his mother during your separation is another indication that you have generally not been in control of your own life. Life is 1/2 over. Grieve the loss of your marriage, then begin making smart decisions.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sounds greatly like he's nothing more than an immature little jerk!

Do "the 180" and throw his a$$ outta the house! 

He can be "single" on his own damned nickel!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LMNS (Nov 7, 2016)

He never dated his co-worker, sorry if it sounded like that. He "liked" her. I opposed him being that close of friends with her. He did anyways.(that is not who he is with now)

He did move out as i did, he has his own place he shares with 2 others..
I didn't have too much independence while being with him; my own choices and mistakes. Guess i have a long learning curve, haha.  thank you

I understand the age argument, but he still made his own choices. As did i, i suppose.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

My goodness, he's treated you so badly. 
It's easy to blame the age, but I don't think he's mature enough to appreciate you. 
Hold your head up high and move on from this, you deserve better. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## LMNS (Nov 7, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> @LMNS
> 
> If I understand correctly, he was 21 when you married and you were 36. It doesn't help it hurt less, but you should come to an acceptance that you marriage had very little chance of surviving. I would not say that he used you. Instead, he was just way to young and immature to make a long-term decision.
> 
> Secondly, not having any savings at age 41 and consequently living with his mother during your separation is another indication that you have generally not been in control of your own life. Life is 1/2 over. Grieve the loss of your marriage, then begin making smart decisions.


You are right about the "savings" part. We had a joint account - we had savings but it was "ours". I didn't think that clearly or concern myself with it and i should of. Lesson learned and it wouldn't happen again.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

No you don't understand the age argument because you're holding him to the same standards as yourself, even though you have a lot of years on him. And the 20's are formative years, so if you'd met in 20 years the age would matter less.

I get the age difference.....I'm 19 years younger then my hb. Except that I was in my early 30's and had been married already, so I had some life behind me. 

He was 21 and made his choices from the perspective of a 21 year old. 

Look back at yourself at 21.....how much different were you?

His brain wasn't fully formed yet and he wasn't ready to be a hb, so he was in no position to make these choices.

He's a young guy and wants to be out screwing his "friends".

Do yourself a favor and file for divorce.....who cares if he fights it? He'd probably like to keep you around while he explores his "friends" to see if he can do better.

Find yourself a real man that's ready to be a husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LMNS (Nov 7, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> No you don't understand the age argument because you're holding him to the same standards as yourself, even though you have a lot of years on him. And the 20's are formative years, so if you'd met in 20 years the age would matter less.
> 
> I get the age difference.....I'm 19 years younger then my hb. Except that I was in my early 30's and had been married already, so I had some life behind me.
> 
> ...


I use to think that way too - just let him have his "fun" and get on with my life, but he is now in a relationship as of the other day. I am beginning to think the reasons behind him wanting a divorce might be different than what he said. Regardless, he wanted something different. Do i have myself for falling in love with a younger man? No - I remember one day we were fighting in July and he said, "remember when you asked me if i was sure this was what i wanted and you didn't want me to change my mind in 5 years?" I said, yes i do, he said, "Why did you marry me if you knew id do this?" I said, don't you blame me for this, you made your choices and so did it. 

YOU ARE RIGHT! He made his choice as a 21 year old. I would be inclined to fully agree with you, but i know many young couples who have been together a long, long time at a very young age....so everyone is different i suppose. Thanks for the advice


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

LMNS said:


> He never dated his co-worker, sorry if it sounded like that. He "liked" her. I opposed him being that close of friends with her. He did anyways.(that is not who he is with now)
> 
> He did move out as i did, he has his own place he shares with 2 others..
> I didn't have too much independence while being with him; my own choices and mistakes. Guess i have a long learning curve, haha.  thank you
> ...


Don't fool yourself, they were dating right under your nose....

*We had a bad June because he became friends with a female co-worker close to my age. He was enamoured by her, told me all about her, her past stories, her life etc. She would call late at night to talk to him, he would text a LOT, more than normal IMO, and was starting to tell me he wanted to hang out with her a few hours before work while she did her errands, going on hikes alone with her, riding to Vancouver so she could pick up a car etc.*

He chose HER over you and the marriage. I am pointing this out to you because you had ZERO boundaries on this, and you need to make sure you never make that mistake again in any future relationships. This type of "friendship" (NOT!!) is not acceptable in a marriage.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

LMNS said:


> I use to think that way too - just let him have his "fun" and get on with my life, but he is now in a relationship as of the other day. I am beginning to think the reasons behind him wanting a divorce might be different than what he said. Regardless, he wanted something different. Do i have myself for falling in love with a younger man? No - I remember one day we were fighting in July and he said, "remember when you asked me if i was sure this was what i wanted and you didn't want me to change my mind in 5 years?" I said, yes i do, he said, "Why did you marry me if you knew id do this?" I said, don't you blame me for this, you made your choices and so did it.
> 
> YOU ARE RIGHT! He made his choice as a 21 year old. I would be inclined to fully agree with you, but i know many young couples who have been together a long, long time at a very young age....so everyone is different i suppose. Thanks for the advice


The adult human brain is literally not fully developed until +/- age 25 when the prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for impulse control and future planning) finishes maturing. In addition, your H was very inexperienced. You said you were his first...everything. Usually, those who have reached 21 have more life and relationship experience than that. This outcome was fairly predictable.

He may be in a relationship now, but that's normal for 20-somethings. They do tend to try out different people and different scenarios before they know enough to understand themselves and what they want and do not want in a mate. He will likely have a few relationships or more before he finds someone and settles down permanently.

Sure, there are many young couples who have been together for a long time. However, looking at the stats, marriages under age 25 have very high divorce rates compared to the general population. Not to mention that young couples are generally going to be in the same phase of life and more compatible in terms of desired lifestyle. 

Nothing wrong with dating younger men, but make sure that any man you might be interested in the long term has had some life experience and is fully developed before you get serious.

And, btw, when you told him that he was 100% responsible for his decision to marry was absolutely correct. He may have been to immature and inexperienced to know what he would want in 5 years, but he is responsible for making the choices he made nonetheless.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

LMNS said:


> I use to think that way too - just let him have his "fun" and get on with my life, but he is now in a relationship as of the other day. I am beginning to think the reasons behind him wanting a divorce might be different than what he said. Regardless, he wanted something different. Do i have myself for falling in love with a younger man? No - I remember one day we were fighting in July and he said, "remember when you asked me if i was sure this was what i wanted and you didn't want me to change my mind in 5 years?" I said, yes i do, he said, "Why did you marry me if you knew id do this?" I said, don't you blame me for this, you made your choices and so did it.
> 
> YOU ARE RIGHT! He made his choice as a 21 year old. I would be inclined to fully agree with you, but i know many young couples who have been together a long, long time at a very young age....so everyone is different i suppose. Thanks for the advice



For sure, there are young couples that make it ....it's just poor odds. You have to understand the risk you're taking.....it seems like on some level you did but maybe didn't want to face it.

You can't be blamed for your feelings, they are what they are. Just try to make better choices in the future.

We're about the same age.....I'm 42. If I was single I'd never get involved with a guy younger then 40.....but preferably older.

He probably doesn't even know exactly what he wants.

I tear up guys here who get involved with teenagers as 30 year old men and then cry when she's unfaithful. Hvll, I even got banned once for telling a 30 year old man who'd knocked up an 18 year old and had her cheat on him that he made a poor choice. 

So I have to be even handed and do the same thing here, though I hope I'm not tearing you up.....that's not my intention at all. 

I know it hurts.....feel free to grieve and then move on and get your life together. Cut all contact with him....do not allow him to string you along. You'll be better off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LMNS (Nov 7, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Don't fool yourself, they were dating right under your nose....
> 
> *We had a bad June because he became friends with a female co-worker close to my age. He was enamoured by her, told me all about her, her past stories, her life etc. She would call late at night to talk to him, he would text a LOT, more than normal IMO, and was starting to tell me he wanted to hang out with her a few hours before work while she did her errands, going on hikes alone with her, riding to Vancouver so she could pick up a car etc.*
> 
> He chose HER over you and the marriage. I am pointing this out to you because you had ZERO boundaries on this, and you need to make sure you never make that mistake again in any future relationships. This type of "friendship" (NOT!!) is not acceptable in a marriage.


Again, you are right. I suppose i had no boundaries because i was scared of loosing him. I get the "why" now. Doesn't make it right. 
Sometimes i need people like you, to point these things out to me. Thank you so much - I have re read this a LOT.
It helps more than you know.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, he falls in line with the majority not the outliers. You are right, there are a few that make a relationship work from there youth, but statistically, they are more likely to fail. He seems all over the place, he moves on from one thing to another. So, during the honeymoon phase, everything was magical but once reality sets in, things need more work to maintain, it is easier to seek novelty and new and to fall in love all over again and gain those magical feelings. It is called the infatuation stage for a reason and that was why he needed you out of the way to seek that new infatuation.

He is likely to do this again and you have to learn that the him you fell in love with was a temporary him. Look at how he treated you, the little to no remorse and placing you in the background. That is also the real him. You have to look at it from a distance and see the why behind his actions, how he would be once things settled down and the real work of maintaining that loving feeling. instead, he kept seeing new toys and like his mental age, he discarded the old and chase after the new.

there is no point in maintaining a relationship with his friends and family as their bond to him is stronger than it is to you. Given a choice, of course they would choose him, even if he was in the wrong.

To fall out of love takes time and only experiencing life, making new bonds, and strengthening others would help. Also, perception is important. If you keep believing he is a soulmate or other such things, it only helps reinforce it and your mental energy keeps you stuck in limbo longer.

At first, he was nice about things but once he kept spending time with her, less with you, it was easier to be an ass towards you because that bond on his end was weaker. People tend to treat those that they love less worse. It is easier to leave an acquaintance over a friend. So, while he is hyper bonding with the new, his bond with you weakened, making it easier for his less desireable side to show up. You now know of his ugly side and that is what you should focus more on.

The more happy you are without him, the easier it is to break that bond he has over you.


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