# Question for Men that have cheated



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Why did you cheat on your wife?

If you think you stopped loving her and that's why you cheated, then did you think you never loved her to begin with....ever?

Would you justify your affair?

Would you continue your affair after your W found out and filed for divorce?

I'm asking these questions because I want some clarity from a man who has done it. I've been with my STBXH for 7yrs, married for 5.5yrs, and have an 8month old. He told me he wanted to separate and go to MC because he wasn't in love with me anymore and wasn't attracted to me. Then I found out about the affair. He said he hasn't loved me for years, if he ever even did. He said our marriage was fruitless but he never told me because he pitied me and didn't want to hurt me by divorcing. I asked why he said to separate and go to MC if he was having affair, he said he was confused and wanted to know if he was making wrong choice. I told him that I'm filing for divorce and he is justifying his affair by what I said above. He is not ending his affair because he doesn't see that it has any bearing on what problems him and I have. I'm continuing with the divorce...I'm not taking him back. I just want some clarity on what the hell is going on in his mid.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Why did you cheat on your wife?
> 
> If you think you stopped loving her and that's why you cheated, then did you think you never loved her to begin with....ever?
> 
> ...



This shows that there is nothing clear going on in his mind. You are right to continue with the D.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Why did you cheat on your wife?
> 
> If you think you stopped loving her and that's why you cheated, then did you think you never loved her to begin with....ever?
> 
> ...


Sorry, but your husband is terrible human being.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I'm not a cheater but I've been with one long enough to give you pretty reasonable answers.



heartbroken0426 said:


> Why did you cheat on your wife?


Because he's a scumbag and opportunity presented itself.



heartbroken0426 said:


> If you think you stopped loving her and that's why you cheated, then did you think you never loved her to begin with....ever?


Put it this way. He never loved you enough not to cheat on you. 



heartbroken0426 said:


> Would you justify your affair?


He knows there is no justification. He obviously thinks you're a fool.



heartbroken0426 said:


> Would you continue your affair after your W found out and filed for divorce?


Mine did because she sold me out a long time ago. Clearly yours has done the same if he's that shameless.



heartbroken0426 said:


> He is not ending his affair because he doesn't see that it has any bearing on what problems him and I have.


Either he is a complete moron or he thinks you are. 



heartbroken0426 said:


> I'm continuing with the divorce...I'm not taking him back.


If you took him back after that comment then you might a well just lay on the floor, put a doormat on top of you and let him stomp away. 



heartbroken0426 said:


> I just want some clarity on what the hell is going on in his mid.


1) He thinks your an idiot.
2) He lacks basic human decency.
3) He's utterly selfish and has no respect for you.
4) He does not love you anymore and I doubt ever will again.

Run for the hills and don't waste another second on this LOSER. You could throw a rock into a crowd and do better. Why your heart broken over a man like this is beyond me. You should be pissed and if you're not get pissed. Focus that anger into banishing this guy from your life ASAP.

If someone punched you in the ovary would you be heart broken or angry? Because what he is doing to you is the emotional equivalent. Hard 180 and never look back.....


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Lol...thanks Betrayed. My screenname Heartbroken started when he first told me that he wanted to separate and that he wasn't in love with me anymore. Only recently did I find out about the affair. I am, still hearthbroken though....very much so. This is tearing me up inside. I'm going through the rollercoaster of effects from pissed off to crying uncontrollably to pissed off again. I'm pissed off today because I found out that he is still carrying on the affair.

I'm definitely not taking him back. I just want some clarity or insight on what is going on. The OW lives in another state, so it's not like he can run off and have tons of sex with her. It's more of an emotional thing for him. He even admitted that some of the things she said to him (which I confronted him about) was all to boost him up and make him feel good. So if he knows this, they why believe it and continue?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Why did you cheat on your wife?
> 
> If you think you stopped loving her and that's why you cheated, then did you think you never loved her to begin with....ever?
> 
> ...


I don't think you'll find the clarity you seek in my answers, and keep in mind these are the rationalizations

1). I cheated on my wife because I felt like it was the only way I could get my emotional/intimacy needs met and stay in my marriage. I wanted to keep my marriage "intact" for a number of the usual reasons (kids, finances, didn't want to be the first in my family to get divorced), but my wife had made it clear that my needs were my issues, and she wasn't interested in working with me to "fix" our marriage. So it seemed like my options were to cheat and try to stay in the marriage till the kids were older, or divorce. I stupidly went with option 1. 

2). I did come to resent her and her unwillingness to work on us. But I'd say that yes, I did love her at one point. 

3). I'm not sure what you mean by "would I justify my affair". I made a selfish and very poor choice to have an affair. There's no excuse for having chosen that, as opposed to doing the honorable thing. Nobody forced me to drive out to meet anyone. However... Would I have made the same decisions in a healthy relationship? One where my partner was as actively interested in making things as I was? I'd like to think not. I was faithful for more than 15 years, through a number of valleys. 

4). My wife never found out about my affairs. They were nothing to me anyway. I ended them on my own prior to leaving the marriage, and didn't leave for an affair partner. However, I did start seeing someone weeks after I left my marriage, and that could be considered cheating. If my wife found out and confronted me on it, it wouldn't have stopped me. I was out of the marriage, it was over. Just the legal process to go through. But I wasn't interested in going back to the marriage in any way. 

Again, not sure this will help at all. Feel free to ask questions, either here or in PM. I'll try to answer honestly. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Was going to get laid, it was a given. So I did it. Wife was great

Cooked, cleaned, took care of me, loved my parents, gave me sex whenever and morning BJs to wake me up almost every day.

Young, about to get married, someone spread their legs and I went for it.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

PBear - My H never told me about that problems he was having with me. He never gave me a chance to fix it because I would've worked hard to fix it. Last night he apologized for not talking to me about the problems.

CH - The OW lives in another state, so it isn't about the sex


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

heartbroken0426 said:


> PBear - My H never told me about that problems he was having with me. He never gave me a chance to fix it because I would've worked hard to fix it. Last night he apologized for not talking to me about the problems.
> 
> CH - The OW lives in another state, so it isn't about the sex


Yeah, that's what I mean that the answers I give may not have any value to you. Sorry. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

PBear said:


> Yeah, that's what I mean that the answers I give may not have any value to you. Sorry.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 
Thank you for trying


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

gornzaochua said:


> I just want some clarity or insight on what is going on.


Read my thread on Going through divorce or separation called "cheater has been caught...time for divorce"


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I also gave brief description at the beginning of this thread.


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Lol...thanks Betrayed. My screenname Heartbroken started when he first told me that he wanted to separate and that he wasn't in love with me anymore. Only recently did I find out about the affair. I am, still hearthbroken though....very much so. This is tearing me up inside. I'm going through the rollercoaster of effects from pissed off to crying uncontrollably to pissed off again. I'm pissed off today because I found out that he is still carrying on the affair.
> 
> I'm definitely not taking him back. I just want some clarity or insight on what is going on. The OW lives in another state, so it's not like he can run off and have tons of sex with her. It's more of an emotional thing for him. He even admitted that some of the things she said to him (which I confronted him about) was all to boost him up and make him feel good. So if he knows this, they why believe it and continue?


Because it's an addictive drug.


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

CH said:


> Was going to get laid, it was a given. So I did it. Wife was great
> 
> Cooked, cleaned, took care of me, loved my parents, gave me sex whenever and morning BJs to wake me up almost every day.
> 
> Young, about to get married, someone spread their legs and I went for it.


Huh?


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> HB0426,
> 
> I don't know your your H, obviously, but he reminds me of someone I know quite well.
> 
> ...


A good point not mentioned enough. Liars will say whatever needs to be said to fit the situation. They do not occupy the same moral universe us 'normal' folk do.


----------



## Turner9 (Sep 7, 2011)

:scratchhead:

Perhaps this might help, ..I find it complying your line of questioning? So many factors prevented me from getting a divorce, thinking about the impact on our family, friends, relatives etc, besides of the continuing effects on my soul. 

I hated the fact that my wife did not meet my sexual needs and allowed other factors to prevent her from achieving it. This only increased my needs to get further out of balance and the 1st pretty girl that comes by winking at my low self esteem is able to give me a rise. 

I do not know if getting input from others will answer yours about your husband? That is a maze and a puzzle perhaps left alone! I once had a friend tell me that her husband thought she was ugly! BS!, if that was the case , why did he marry her? She was simply amazing to me , to me that is, its possible for various unethical reasons for me men to shift their emotions and sex drive towards another women. 1. Drugs, 2. **** Attraction! Meaning he can do with her all the things a decent women would never do! (*****) 3. Escape from reality! 4. Motive of wanting their cake and eating it too. Like they feel entitled because of how much money they make etc, power trip. 5. Mid-Life Crisis. 

Regardless of the reason, the only important one is his choice! he has an error in heart and chances are he will not correct it! Move on as fast as you can and don't waste your precious time and energy to find out why he went astray, its not a problem with you, but more internally with him and chances are he will repeat! Be glade your done with him and you can now get someone in your life that you deserve! You deserve BETTER!!

I have friends who spouses cheated on them, 1 turned out where they stayed together and made their marriage even stronger! The other separated and got remarried to what they felt they needed in their lives now. I ask one of them why on earth did they ever marry then to begin with? The answer was rather shocking!! "No they were not the best looking and they did not **** my socks off! like I would like, but they loved my fatherless! Child like their OWN!! and I decided why not?? That marriage lasted 16 years! until she could no longer stand him touching her anymore! There were other factors but I believe him not satisfying her was the straw that broke the camels back. 

All I am saying, in the beginning, he may have been what you needed and vice versa, but in the later days, no longer! I doubt he will have the depth of honesty to tell you, therefore don't stick around waiting for the answer, it will only steal more precious time from your life. I wish you the best and a more fore filling life with someone who will adore you! :smthumbup:


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I agree with CH lol.

When I cheated it had nothing to do with who I was with. I just wanted variety plain and simple. Variety, variety, variety nothing more nothing less!! It was always just he physical a new piece, new smells, new experiences, never emotional always meaningless.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Turner - I think in my case it's escape from reality because when I think he initially started the affair our baby was 6months old, wanting cake and eating it too because before I found out he wanted to separate and not divorce which would make me plan b, and mid-life crises because he just turned 38.

Ohgeesh - it's not about sex with him because the OW lives in another state. I think for him it's someone new to make him feel good and flirt with and exciting.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I agree heartbroken if it's just virtual, online, or cell phone. Like I've said in the past I know guys who do this all day at work on various phone apps and it's meaningless to them. They make up stories fictitious careers, ask for nudes, etc almost to just see how much they can get away with or how much they can make the woman on the other end of the computer do.

Not saying it was meaningless to your husband though or saying what the guys at work doing what they do is okay. It's just really common imo and for many meaningless like playing a video game.


----------



## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

Why I cheated...to feel in control. to feel aroused. to be wanted. to boost my ego. And while I was doing that, in order to feel justified, I made my wife into an evil witch in my own head. I think your husband is doing this now. 

My wife was crazy before a cheated. She wasn't nice before I cheated either. But instead of trying to get to a different place with her I got to a different place without her. At one point before my affair was out in the open, I thought I was the good guy doing what was right for me. Turns out I am a perpetual liar and coward. And while the concepts of how I was affecting my own reality existed in my brain, I actively ignored them to stay in my fog.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

thebadguy said:


> Why I cheated...to feel in control. to feel aroused. to be wanted. to boost my ego. And while I was doing that, in order to feel justified, I made my wife into an evil witch in my own head. I think your husband is doing this now.
> 
> My wife was crazy before a cheated. She wasn't nice before I cheated either. But instead of trying to get to a different place with her I got to a different place without her. At one point before my affair was out in the open, I thought I was the good guy doing what was right for me. Turns out I am a perpetual liar and coward. And while the concepts of how I was affecting my own reality existed in my brain, I actively ignored them to stay in my fog.


Thank you so much for your honesty. Do you regret now what you did? Do you think you could've changed your marriage with your wife if you did things the right way like talked to her about your feelings and go to MC?


----------



## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Thank you so much for your honesty. Do you regret now what you did? Do you think you could've changed your marriage with your wife if you did things the right way like talked to her about your feelings and go to MC?


I regret a lot of things. I regret the destruction and hurt I caused my wife and kids (and by my wife's assessment continue to cause). I know what I did was wrong. Like when you get in a car wreck, there are those thoughts of "if I had come to a full stop at that stop sign, I would not have been hit". The analogy ends there but I had many chances along the way to make a different decision that would have yielded a different outcome. I have made every decision to get me to this point.

I have lost a lot and those losses are lasting. My relationships with my kids are not what they were, though I love them deeply and will do anything for them. I thought what I was doing was only against my wife and I realize now I created a crisis for my whole family. 

Everyone in my life outside of work knows. I have found some humility through it. 

It will be 4 years in April since my wife found out. We are still married. Nobody is happy. I struggle to give her what she needs.

As for marriage counseling, we went to 2 counselors together. I went to individual counseling for a while too. My wife was asked by counselor 1 to go on antidepressants. Counselor 2 asked her to go into IC (which he later shared with me was for borderline personality disorder). She refused both courses of treatment and has struggled a great deal this whole time. 

In my opinion, it is hard to find a good counselor who will really address the affair properly. Though I recognize both counselors were trying to get her help she needed, she didn't see anyone asking me to do work to fix things (except her).


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Thebadguy - Thank you again for your honesty. My STBXH is seeing a new counselor next week but I don't think he's going to be honest with the counselor about his affair as he doesn't see it as being the problem, which to me is sad. I know, however, that I cannot fix him....only he can fix himself. He also got away with no one knowing about the affair that ended his last marriage. I have already begun to let his family know about his affair on me, so hopefully, that humility will help he realize his actions were bad. I guess time will tell.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

thebadguy said:


> I regret a lot of things. I regret the destruction and hurt I caused my wife and kids (and by my wife's assessment continue to cause). I know what I did was wrong. Like when you get in a car wreck, there are those thoughts of "if I had come to a full stop at that stop sign, I would not have been hit". The analogy ends there but I had many chances along the way to make a different decision that would have yielded a different outcome. I have made every decision to get me to this point.
> 
> I have lost a lot and those losses are lasting. My relationships with my kids are not what they were, though I love them deeply and will do anything for them. I thought what I was doing was only against my wife and I realize now I created a crisis for my whole family.
> 
> ...


It's just very interesting to me.

How you went in one direction, and HB0426's husband went in the complete opposite direction. Is there a "thebadguy" lurking inside her husband that he's just too fogged out and proud to face?

What you are speaking is truth, and you acknowledge your wrongs and misconceptions. What HB0426's husband tells himself he believes to be true, just as you once did. What makes one person "get it" and another not? I wonder in part it's how much other people let them get away with it in the beginning. People validating and supporting the WS's side of the story, the justifications, the fogged out excuses. It doesn't seem like many WS's can do it on their own without real consequences and people of influence holding them accountable. I think when friends and family members support cheaters, they aren't doing them any favors.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Thebadguy - Thank you again for your honesty. My STBXH is seeing a new counselor next week but I don't think he's going to be honest with the counselor about his affair as he doesn't see it as being the problem, which to me is sad. I know, however, that I cannot fix him....only he can fix himself. He also got away with no one knowing about the affair that ended his last marriage. I have already begun to let his family know about his affair on me, so hopefully, that humility will help he realize his actions were bad. I guess time will tell.


What were the family's reactions?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I had an EA near PA because my wife cheated on me and I tried to fix myself with self-medication (alcohol) and went about everything in the wrong way.

We had rugswept her affair and never really talked about it.

We talked after my EA and are still together.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

CH said:


> Was going to get laid, it was a given. So I did it. Wife was great
> 
> Cooked, cleaned, took care of me, loved my parents, gave me sex whenever and morning BJs to wake me up almost every day.
> 
> Young, about to get married, someone spread their legs and I went for it.


:slap:


----------



## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

staystrong said:


> It's just very interesting to me.
> 
> How you went in one direction, and HB0426's husband went in the complete opposite direction. Is there a "thebadguy" lurking inside her husband that he's just too fogged out and proud to face?


I am almost 4 years past discovery. I did not get it the first day or the first year. I get the words right now but she does not believe me. I think that part is up to her to work through, though I can help it in some ways.

My wife hates me. I am not fogged out or proud. I am PTSD at this point. One thing that really helped me is the book on how to help your betrayed heal. 



staystrong said:


> What you are speaking is truth, and you acknowledge your wrongs and misconceptions. What HB0426's husband tells himself he believes to be true, just as you once did. What makes one person "get it" and another not? I wonder in part it's how much other people let them get away with it in the beginning. People validating and supporting the WS's side of the story, the justifications, the fogged out excuses. It doesn't seem like many WS's can do it on their own without real consequences and people of influence holding them accountable. I think when friends and family members support cheaters, they aren't doing them any favors.


What has helped me get it is WANTING the relationship with my kids. There have also been very real consequences for me...seeing the harm to my wife and kids, yes. When your wife is still raging 4 years later, breaking things, and punching you...you get that this must have really killed her. When she pulls out her own hair and hits herself...that is enough to help you get it. When she thrusts a knife at you and says "here, put it into my chest"...that'll do it too. When your 6yo starts saying "I love you mommy" every time she starts yelling and escalates to running by and hitting you (when she's yelling). You get it. I wouldn't suggest HBO426 stay that long. If he doesn't get it after being exposed, he won't...and probably because he is still in the affair.


----------



## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

Here's the link I wanted to give you. I don't know if you feel like you can give this to your husband. Maybe you read it first. It is a very quick read.

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I don't think my STBXH is anywhere close to realizing what he has done is wrong because he is still actively in a relationship with the OW. He says they are "just friends" now but I don't believe it. 

When he cheated on his XW, she didn't expose him. So he got away with the cheating. Everyone thought he was the wonderful guy and his XW was the b**ch who left him, etc. I think because of this, he never learned the consequences. Plus...he didn't have children with his XW.

Now with me....we have a daughter, but he hasn't played an active role in her life thus far and has even recently admitted to not having a bond with her but that it is now starting to form. She's about 9 months old. I have begun to expose him to his family who say they are disheartened and disgusted by what he's doing but who knows what they are really saying to him face to face when I'm not there. 

My STBXH has a great reputation at his work and people love him and think he's just this wonderful great guy. I ran into one of his co-workers' wife this past weekend and told her about the divorce due to the affair. When I told him I ran into her, he said to me "I will talk to co-worker and elaborate and fix the situation. This will be the last time you speak to anyone from my work about our situation". The funny thing about that is his other co-worker told me that the guy already knows he's having an affair, so my STBXH going and elaborating and fixing the situation will make him look even more stupid. That guy has a wife and 5 kids and absolutely adores his family and believes in the sanctity of marriage. So my STBXH will look bad. I feel like once he's exposed and people are looking at him differently...treating him differently, etc it may be an eye opener. I hope that once we live in 2 separate homes and he doesn't see his daughter as often...he doesn't have me around, that maybe he'll start to realize but I don't even know.

He doesn't want to reconcile with me. He still says that he doesn't love me, isn't attracted to me, and we have fundamental differences between the two of us which make our marriage not work. He hasn't apologized or even think having a 3rd person is wrong.


----------



## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

Have you exposed the other woman in any way? Whether she is married herself or single, there is someone you can tell. Her husband, her mom and dad. 

He may just be stuck in the FOG and could come out one day. But it sounds like this is the 2nd marriage he has ended by being with someone else.

Your 9 mos old is finally mobile.  Kids become a lot more interesting when they are mobile. Whether he sicks around to be her in-house dad or not, your daughter should know him, for her benefit (as backward as that may sound). Not knowing him would leave a hole for her, I believe.

At the same time, as you proceed through divorce, you need to target a slew of things for her benefit.

Legal custody. You need to be in charge of making decisions.

Medical insurance...he needs to be legally required to provide insurance for her.

If you have educational preferences, (parochial vs public) for primary, get it into the parenting plan.

He should be required to start a college savings plan for her such that he can be responsible for half of her college education (room, board, tuition, books). I say this...because when she is 18, if he didn't pay, then you go to court...he says "i have no money". The court says "I can't get blood from a turnip". I would say work something out where you can both contribute equally every year. Make sure he can't withdraw w/o your signature.

If your daughter is nursing and he is not an involved father, the custody schedule should be graduated such that she is not required to spend nights away from you until she is weaned and potty trained. You may have to give on this depending on him. 

Decide whether you want to rotate holiday schedules (Christmas, Labor day, 4th of july on even years, Thanks Giving, New Year's, Easter, and Memorial Day on odd years). Obviously there are a lot more holidays than that...President's day, MLK, Cinco De Mayo, Flag Day, Veteran's day, Valentine's day...Sometimes it is just better to decide you will say...celebrate Valentine's day on February 15th every year instead of alternating years. We have a whole set of traditions around Christmas and we always open gifts on 12/24.

Minimize large blocks of time with one parent or the other. If you give him 6 weeks with her in the summer, you will hardly see your daughter. 1-2 weeks for 'vacation' is fine. A regular schedule is generally better unless you want something else.

Don't be bashful about getting child support and spousal support. What he pays in child support will be less than a mortgage payment....less than rent. You will be buying all the clothes for when she is at your house. He will try to tell you "my money pays for clothes too". Don't accept that. Make sure he buys child/baby advil and any other creams, ointments, special soaps, food, whatnot that she needs. His job. His cost. You don't provide the items. If he doesn't have something she needs, she doesn't go over until he does. 

Ok...I am getting a little crazy.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Thebadguy - lol....yes...you've covered a lot. We will be sitting with a mediator to go over the stuff you listed above.

Regarding my daughter having time with her dad, I have mixed feelings about that. 

Part of me knows that she will be better off knowing her dad because father/daughter bonds are very close and she has a better chance having a healthy relationship about men when she has a good relationship with her dad. So I get that importance.

The other part of me worries that my husband is too messed up emotionally from his childhood to be healthy for her. My H got divorced form his XW about 7yrs after the relationship began. Him and I are at the 7yr mark. He was even engaged prior to the XW and ended it with her as well. So there is a good chance that my H will do this again with the next woman he's with. That means, my daughter will get close to a new "stepmom" and then that will end. Then my daughter will be exposed to another woman after that and it will end.


----------



## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Thebadguy - lol....yes...you've covered a lot. We will be sitting with a mediator to go over the stuff you listed above.
> 
> Regarding my daughter having time with her dad, I have mixed feelings about that.
> 
> ...


If he wants to be involved, he has the legal right to be. If he doesn't want to be involved, you won't be able to force him to. 

You won't want to be resented by your daughter for inhibiting her relationship with him. And at the same time, you should put safeguards in place now to make sure he doesn't make raising her more difficult.

There may be multiple future step-moms. Put a morality clause on the table. Say he's not allowed to introduce her to another woman for 6 months after you are aware he wants to introduce them. Say (in the morality clause) that the present other woman is not allowed to be introduced to your daughter ever. Morality clauses aren't really enforceable but they are good for bargaining for other stuff.

My wife would like me to walk away from my kids. She thinks that gives them the best chance at not repeating my mistakes. I tend to think me showing them and telling them that what I did is not a healthy way to go is more likely to do that. As adults, my kids will understand how to handle marital problems in a healthy way and I hope they will talk to me about it when they need help.


----------



## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Part of me knows that she will be better off knowing her dad because father/daughter bonds are very close and she has a better chance having a healthy relationship about men when she has a good relationship with her dad. So I get that importance.


Alternately, my stepdaughter's father is teaching her to connect with boys who will treat her terribly. I haven't exactly been the best in showing her how men should treat their mate either...both by cheating and then by being a doormat.

My oldest biological daughter though is as healthy as young ladies get when it comes to men...in spite of my short comings, I did a lot of things right with her.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Ya...maybe I can put in a morality clause. My STBXH just isn't right in the head. Not that he's crazy day in and day out but I just don't feel like he'll be a healthy influence on her. But the other side of me thinks it's better for her and I just need to keep a close eye. You're right though....I don't want her to resent me later if I try to take her away from him.


----------



## TheCatfish (Jan 3, 2014)

I had many affairs but the last one I had was with my ex girlfriend and she was able to show me how it was damaging to the relationship. My own guilt was tearing us apart. We moved on anyway but I learned a good lesson. Hiding anything is a bad move so - he doesn't see the relevance so show him or tell him how it is making you feel and that will explain the relevance. When he comes to his senses and leaves the OW, slap him with the D.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Why did you cheat on your wife?
> 
> After married to an ice burg, who let me and everybody else know she married beneath her status. I put up with it for more than 12years with both individual and marriage counseling
> 
> ...


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

TheCatfish said:


> I had many affairs but the last one I had was with my ex girlfriend and she was able to show me how it was damaging to the relationship. My own guilt was tearing us apart. We moved on anyway but I learned a good lesson. Hiding anything is a bad move so - he doesn't see the relevance so show him or tell him how it is making you feel and that will explain the relevance. When he comes to his senses and leaves the OW, slap him with the D.


How do you show what hurt they have caused? He already told me that he didn't divorce me earlier because he pitied me and felt bad and thought that I'd be devastated if he divorced me. I think that's all a bunch of crap but I still don't want to show him that I'm weak and how hurt I am.

The Phoenix - Thank you for your honesty. My situation does not go along with yours but I have seen other say they cheated because of some of the problems you mentioned.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Well.....I signed the divorce papers today. My lawyer will file in court tomorrow and see what judge is assigned and then my STBXH will sign paperwork on Monday. *sigh* feeling a lot of mixed emotions today. I talked to my mom this morning and she asked me if my H was willing to work on the marriage or that maybe I should ask him if he was willing. I'm so confused.


----------



## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

Heartbroken, you and I sound like the same person and we both married the same narcissistic sociopath. They use us until they can't get anything more from us and then move on. It's hurtful and disgusting. 

I honestly don't know if my husband is a sociopath, but I found this blog very helpful. I believe he does suffer from some type of personality disorder. I married him very young and he was amazing then, but the more independent I became the more controlling and abusive he became. And now the affair and not showing any remorse and continuing it shows me what a monster he really is.

https://www.lovefraud.com/2013/08/07/marrying-a-sociopath-where-were-the-warning-signs/

Hugs to you....If we ever had a chance to meet in person I'm sure we would be able to talk for hours.


----------



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

BRB said:


> Heartbroken, you and I sound like the same person and we both married the same narcissistic sociopath. They use us until they can't get anything more from us and then move on. It's hurtful and disgusting.
> 
> I honestly don't know if my husband is a sociopath, but I found this blog very helpful. I believe he does suffer from some type of personality disorder. I married him very young and he was amazing then, but the more independent I became the more controlling and abusive he became. And now the affair and not showing any remorse and continuing it shows me what a monster he really is.
> 
> ...



I'm sorry you're going through what I am...not fun, huh? My H went to see a new therapist today who wants to explore Avoidant Personality Disorder with him. I have identified some of the characteristics that relate to him and some that don't. He has another apt with his therapist next week.


----------



## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Why did you cheat on your wife?
> 
> If you think you stopped loving her and that's why you cheated, then did you think you never loved her to begin with....ever?
> 
> ...


OP, I am so very sorry for what you are going through, you sound strong and keep going! I know you also have moments when you probably want to collapse, but keep posting on here, these folks are a great support system.

I don't know if this will help you but an acquaintance of mine went through much the same as your situation.

I want to share with you how it played out, its kind of one of this karma stories I love reading on here...

Acquaintance was married 30 years, 3 great kids, and to the world - a very happy close marriage. She and her H were even in business together and they were both great people. Her H was a fabulous man. We all liked him very much.

He came home one day and dropped the bombshell- 

- decided he never really loved her
- never enjoyed sex with her 
-was never really happy with her
- didn't know why he stayed in the marriage 
-etc. "the script"

Then, after agreeing to a few gratuitous mc sessions, he admits he met his soulmate through their job. (She was an outside sales associate, so at least my friend did not know her)

This man was so fogged out that he poured salt in the wound by saying meeting this OW was like a great awakening in his life!

He moved out, in with the OW and I watched my friend completely unravel for 2 years. 
What he didn't expect? His kids stopped talking to him, his parents and siblings were shocked and ashamed, they hovered around my 
Friend tho, and cared for her, he lost friends, respect. I really liked him but it was hard to look him in the eyes after that. etc...

In the third year she moved on, and shortly there after she received a letter from him- "I don't know what ive done, biggest mistake in my life," felt like he awoke and was in a nightmare, 
And asked her if there was anyway she would take him back.

Short answer? No.

To my friends credit, and a sign that she had completely healed, she did not even care enough to send that letter to the OW. 

I know this isn't directly answering your question, but I think some WS completely loose their rational thought, they blame shift to justify their actions, which to me is the cruelest thing, but at least some of them wake up from it. 

Your H may or may not, but you're clearly doing the right thing - all those folks who think he's such a great guy might re adjust their opinion when they see he abandoned his wife and newborn for a "soulmate"- so cowardly. 

OP I think you will have a fine life, hold your head up, and if he should send you a letter in a year or two, I hope you are completely healed to where you just feel indifference.
Best wishes to you, BH2


----------

