# CWI and Affair Obsession



## radrobe (Jun 17, 2013)

So for the past month, ever since about a month after my DDay2, I've been coming to TAM CWI religiously getting advice and generally obsessing over Affair stuff. I'm sure many of you have read the thread about my dysfunctional marriage. I credit CWI with helping grow a pair again and pointing me in the right direction that has paved the way for a potential healthy 'R' between my and FWW. 

That being said, there has to be a point when looking at CWI all the time becomes unhealthy and counterproductive. I find myself looking daily for new threads by BSs. Reading affair threads has literally become my hobby. I find myself telling every man I know and work with every affair warning sign and telling them exactly what to do if they ever encounter it. 

Does CWI help fuel affair obsession? Is it holding back my recovery in some ways?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I think this board is a great resource for folks who suspect a cheating spouse and those that are at or near d-day. I do think this board is harmful for betrayed spouses that are having a hard time moving on. Its not a bad thing to vent on here, but it can be problematic if its keeping you from moving forward.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Agreed it can be counter productive. However, this is only true if you've made up your mind on what you want to do. 

If you are set on divorce, to be honest it's not going to change your outlook much on life, marriage or potential future love. As for most that's already shakey at best and many just kind of have to make peace with those demons.

For those set on R, it can definitely be more difficurlt. This isn't to say I'm blaming TAM or CWI but more that it gives a skewed perception of marriage and fidelity. There is plenty of infidelity going on, but it can seem 100x more frequent by frequenting a forum dedicated to it. I've been leary of spending too much time here, other than to offer as helpful advice as possible, when possible. 

I wouldn't say that it's going to hurt your chances of R, but keep in perspective that we are all in this section for a similar reason.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Consider it a phase, eventually you will just come to check up on your favorite TAM'ers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StandingInQuicksand (Jun 4, 2012)

Like LanieB - this helped me lot initially but then made me crazy. I seem to visit on my DD anniversary every year, post a little, read a lot, and then sign off for another year. I think it helps remind us of where we don't want to ever find ourselves again, but we shouldn't dwell on it either. The stories are just so heartbreaking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Same here... I came here out of desperation, and found a lot of help. I learned a LOT, and read other peoples' sad stories, anger, guilt, fear, all the things I have been going through. I felt like I was part of something good here, despite the gloom and black clouds. 

It's almost voyeuristic, I think at times, to read about other peoples' very personal and inner pain. But it's necessary as well. For the people IN the effed up situation and those who are trying to help. 

I've thought several times, driving home after work, "man, I gotta stop going there, it just keeps it all right in front of me." But there's a positive, too. I have learned how to affair proof our M (as best we can) and about red flags that I should have seen before, and about my own misbehavior tendencies. It's been very cleansing in that regard. But it comes to be too much at times, because it keeps me remembering....


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

read, read; read more. then again. become obsessed. ingrain it into your brain. 

then perhaps maybe (probably), when temptation confronts you (in any form whatsoever), and it eventually will if you are married long enough, you will remember these stories and recoil in horror at the thought............


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

As a BS in R, I have to admit that CWI has effected me in some negative ways. It probably does prolong the emotional upheaval and getting past her A. But for me, for now, I believe the positives of posting on this site outweigh the negatives.

For one thing, I don't won't to forget what she did. Coming here prevents me from rug sweeping it in the past. It keeps it real.

For another, there is some cathartic relief in helping other BS's avoid the mistakes that I made, and others often make.

And finally, and I'll admit it; there is some intrinsic satisfaction in seeing a CS get caught and ultimately receiving deserved consequences for their actions. That said, I'm not pro D or pro R, but pro best solution.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Posts 8 & 9 there are really good points. I started a thread because I feel guilt about being here, because after DDay we agreed no social presence online. Well, I am thinking this is a social presence, eeven though anonymous and certainly not a place to pick up affair partners! Geez... 

But knowing more about what others have gone through and how they've dealt with it, and how their Sos have dealt with it does just what jorgene said about recoiling in horror at the thought of infidelity. My W has no idea how affair proof I am... I pray she is too.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

jorgegene said:


> read, read; read more. then again. become obsessed. ingrain it into your brain.
> 
> then perhaps maybe (probably), when temptation confronts you (in any form whatsoever), and it eventually will if you are married long enough, you will remember these stories and recoil in horror at the thought............


While I agree that CWI can become _"warm fuzzy blanket of pain"_ to wrap your misery up in sometimes, it does show the dark, ugly side of affairs that are more often, rug swept and dismissed by popular culture.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Yeah it seems out there in Hollyweird land that affairs are the thing to do... WTF is that about? Just showing that you can be a bigger wolf than the next person? Why not make spiritual development popular, or something GOOD?

No actor could show the pain felt by a BS.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

I think CWI is very helpful to people dealing with a cheating spouse, or especially suspicions of....

I do think though that the internet is not sufficient in terms of the moral/emotional support the BS needs. Talking to someone in person or in real time - being able to confide in someone regarding what's going on - is very important. A friend, a relative, someone who has the best interests of the BS in mind, above all other considerations. otherwise I think the person would still be too isolated...feel too lonely in their shock, stress and sadness.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I know this will sound odd maybe, but one of the reasons I read CWI threads (and on other boards, similar stories) is that deep within each couple's story is usually a very compelling love story. The pain and anguish the BS goes through (and sometimes the WS when they become repentant) is so difficult to read, but between the lines are love and emotion at their raw-est, most strongly felt moments. These stories always put a lump in my throat because of the enormous efforts many BS's are willing to put in toward their marriages, even after such a tragedy and painful event has slammed them in the face.

Many people just turn and run when they find out their spouse was unfaithful. We won't hear their stories here very much, and they are of course entitled to ditch out and run. But the ones who come here bewildered and needing help and wanting to reconcile, are some of the most (painfully) romantic stories. Even if no R is possible, I always hold up a candle in my heart for the BS who really did try to salvage the marriage. In the end, many of those BS's end up better off personally after learning so much about 180's and painful life lessons and all of this...that the end story is sometimes a romance with themselves as individuals.

I read here because I read about all aspects of relationships. Dating, sex, marriage, divorce, cheating, alternative lifestyles, etc. But the infidelity and "walk away" stories show the MOST love and feeling of all of them. It takes a heck of a lot of love and devotion to stand for your marriage in these circumstances, and there is a romantic quality to this that is observable to me only because I am outside looking in. But I still feel pain reading these stories because I clutch my heart and pray that it won't happen to us.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

The board is not innately good or bad, instead it is a tool in your toolbox. If you don't need your hammer today, what do you do? Leave it in the toolbox. However, I may need it tomorrow, so it is there in case it is needed.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

This place is fantastic apart rom a few nutters, but you get those anywhere.

I regret deeply never having got here many many years ago I would got out of my marriage and suffered so much less than actually happened.

But still...... for those who are in trouble maybe for the first time I think a place like this can save marriages, can really make a difference. 

Long may it be so


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

CWI has taught me a huge amount about the way that men think and has made me much more sensitive regarding my H. I feel that I understand him much better and we've been married for over 30 yrs.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

radrobe said:


> So for the past month, ever since about a month after my DDay2, I've been coming to TAM CWI religiously getting advice and generally obsessing over Affair stuff. I'm sure many of you have read the thread about my dysfunctional marriage. I credit CWI with helping grow a pair again and pointing me in the right direction that has paved the way for a potential healthy 'R' between my and FWW.
> 
> That being said, there has to be a point when looking at CWI all the time becomes unhealthy and counterproductive. I find myself looking daily for new threads by BSs. Reading affair threads has literally become my hobby. I find myself telling every man I know and work with every affair warning sign and telling them exactly what to do if they ever encounter it.
> 
> Does CWI help fuel affair obsession? Is it holding back my recovery in some ways?


I think you should take a break from TAM. It can be unhealthy reading the same (generally) depressing stuff over and over and can make you feel worse. Maybe start a new hobby, start working out or go to a gym, go out for a walk into the fresh air. Anything other than sitting in front of the computer or fiddling with your phone.


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## radrobe (Jun 17, 2013)

Suspecting said:


> I think you should take a break from TAM. It can be unhealthy reading the same (generally) depressing stuff over and over and can make you feel worse. Maybe start a new hobby, start working out or go to a gym, go out for a walk into the fresh air. Anything other than sitting in front of the computer or fiddling with your phone.


I can quit anytime I want to.....



Yeah, that's probably good advice. TAM has been such a rock for me to lean on. I bought my FWW's bulls*it hook, line, and sinker and was burned so many times after DDay before finding TAM. TAM allowed me to start to think objectively and stand up for myself. I still have some issues with rose colored glasses and FWW, and I feel like I still need TAM to keep me straight.

Eventually tho, whether R works or not, I need to stop thinking about affairs.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

radrobe said:


> I can quit anytime I want to...
> 
> Eventually tho, whether R works or not, I need to stop thinking about affairs.


Hmmm... stop thinking about affairs. Seriously, good luck.

About a year after DD, I came to the conclusion that regardless of R or D with my fWW... her cheating, the years of lying, the blame-shifting, the words she wrote about me and our marriage to her AP... the collective of years of Affairs...

*Had innately changed me at the Core. *

Affairs were just as much a part of me as birth parents. I could deny they ever existed or happened, but it did, just as a bell can't be un-rung, a spouse can't un-cheat. 

Now here's the hard medicine... I'm 4 years out and have excepted that the thoughts of my wife's betrayal will be visited on a daily basis... remember the change. However, this is a private conversation of the mind. No-one wants to listen to your "issues" on a daily basis. Ever reason why you have to pay MC so much money to listen to your problems?


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## radrobe (Jun 17, 2013)

RWB said:


> Hmmm... stop thinking about affairs. Seriously, good luck.
> 
> About a year after DD, I came to the conclusion that regardless of R or D with my fWW... her cheating, the years of lying, the blame-shifting, the words she wrote about me and our marriage to her AP... the collective of years of Affairs...
> 
> ...


RWB- That is a harsh reality. Let me ask you people who choose not R, do you have the same reality 4 years later?

Also, is your marriage in a relatively good place now? Do you regret your R? I can't help but feeling at this point that R is ONLY worth it if she is willing to go to the ends of the earth to make it work. Anything less and it will be a waste of time. Thoughts?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I am coming up on 2 years since d day in Sept. My wife decided 2 days ago to come clean to our 3 kids, and tell them we were going to split. She made that choice alone. This was just before bed. She asked if maybe we could do a trial separation, and I'm all **** that. Either you're in or you're out. Next day I went in to work for a couple of hours to collect my thoughts, then went home to protect myself as much as possible. She suggested we'd have the kids live at our house, and we could alternate staying. Again, **** that, I worked damn hard for that house, it wasn't my choice to blow things up. I won't leave. We both took a couple hours apart, getting things in order for ourselves. She came back in the afternoon. By then I was all over the place. 

Now I have spent almost 2 years getting a crash course in things that a) I wish I never had to learn about, b) wish I had learned about years ago, c) needed to know about myself, and the way I relate to the world. I have been tearing myself apart, reassembling myself in better healthier ways. It is daunting, it is hard, it is sometimes overwhelming. I'm making great strides, but can also revert under pressure. It feels right to me to fight to stay married. Logically, it doesn't make sense. I'm primarily a thinker, so to doggedly hang on to the feeling has been very hard, but I've done it, and I continue to do so. 

We started talking again. We covered old ground we've been over before, but we also gained insight into one another that we have missed in each other. We are going to continue to R after all. I know either way I need to just finally let go of the betrayal, let go of the anger, let go of the fundamental unfairness, and just go in the direction I want to live like. I'll get there, my life can be splendid, my marriage can be awesome. I believe the best way to get there in the meantime is to live as if I were already there. To act in the ways I have learned are healthy and productive.

To come back to the point of the thread, I came to TAM almost a year ago, to figure out how to get past the anger. It actually didn't take long to start uncovering the keys to that. This forum has been amazing for that. That said, constantly reading the same story, played over and over can keep you focussed on the worst parts of your own story, can make you question what you think you know, can keep you trapped in hell in some respects. But if you are making strides nonetheless, you just have to keep going, and like I said, there are ways out to be found in the collected wisdom here.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Thankfully, I have no experience with infidelity in my current relationship. And for all on my part, I'll make sure to never have. But this forum represents a strange fascination, like a hobby. It's like watching doomsday flicks - you surely wouldn't like to experience a catastrophe, but you can't stop watching these movies, they pull you in. The same with CWI and TAM in general.
Not at the least, I learnt about very useful relationship books that I now enjoy reading.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It can get a little bit of an obsession but it has been a great help to me.

I hope my experiences can help others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

radrobe said:


> Does CWI help fuel affair obsession? Is it holding back my recovery in some ways?


That's a good question. I think it can and if you find yourself being triggered too often and projecting your baggage on every post then it's not as helpful to the OP either.

My thoughts are that moderation is the cure-all for most everything life throws at us.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

I am glad I found this board. I can relate to so many that post here. My heart is shattered, my emotions are all over the place. If we try to R, I will limit what I read here. I have gotten so much help and insight from folks here and I truly appreciate that.

I am not sure if I want to R and I certainly do not want a D, that being said I will not live my life with another person in my marriage, I just will not.


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## masterclicker (May 16, 2013)

I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 47 years. My story is truly one for a romance novel. I started reading on some of the forums here to make my wonderful marriage even better than it is already. I eventually wandered into the coping with infidelity forum. I agree with Faithful Wife's thoughts about the heart wrenching stories of betrayal, and love. I have learned a lot reading through these posts. I have never strayed, and neither has my beautiful wife, but I now know what the signs are. I can honestly say that I have never seen any of these red flags in my marriage, and I love my wife all the more for never putting me through that kind of heartbreak. It has also greatly added to my resolve to never bring this kind of tragedy to my marriage.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

In my experience, this site can be a phenomenal resource, however it can also be counter-intuitive to your recovery depending where you are. I have just recently come back to TAM after a few months hiatus which started in February or March of this year. Those months were very helpful in helping me to get my depression (a result of this betrayal etc.) under control. I got outside, did things, spent time with my kids, made friends, lost weight, went shopping etc. during that time and it helped me a lot more than reliving the betrayal vicariously through reading this site all day every day as I had been doing. Obviously, I still think about it every day but back then it was way more intense and not helpful as I was obsessing.

I like the tool-box/hammer anology up above.

Now I'm back because my ex is hoovering me and I need to keep things in perspective. I won't be sucked into rugsweeping the issues in order to have a false reconciliation.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

It's good to come to TAM from time-to-time, if for no other purpose, to remind yourself of the depravity that lurks just beyond the paper-thin facade of civility we project.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I get depressed if I'm cruising CWI too much, but balance it out with the sex in marriage section


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I lurked and obsessed for a couple years trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. Most of that time was in the General Discussion and Men's Clubhouse. Ended up realizing that she was cheating and blaming me. Jumped to CWI on a more permanent basis.

I waited to make my first post several months after my D was final. I really have benefitted from the posts and similar stories.

It can be an obsession. I have seen old regulars fade, and new ones come. Changing of the guard.

Now that I am re-married and re-adjusted, it is good to help others. It feels good to know that others appreciate a new insight, or empathy when they hurt the most.

There is a feeling of letting go. The pain is mostly gone, and I think rechallenging myself with it has caused it to diminish.

Triggers are almost non-existent. When they happen it is just a reminder of things that once were so.

It seems that this is a wonderful, weird, sometimes horrible place. We see the ugliest that marriage has to offer. It makes us appreciate the good in others even when it seems the ugly is everywhere. It makes me appreciate the honest, the humble, and the dedicated.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I lurked for almost two years but only joined more than two years after DDay, when I was fully reconciling. I believed I could pay a part of what I got here. I will always be grateful to TAM.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I just hang around to keep guys from apoligizing to their cheating wifes.
That, and I hope my spelling will improve! LOL

Seriously, I think more about my own crap when I'm not on here.

I just learned alot in my anger management group (back in the day) that fixed me, so this group seems to help me w/ the infidelity that dropped on my butt 3 years ago.

Any one think more about their own betrayal when they stay away from TAM?

I mean once a day several times a day got me through, but now three years down the road and coming here once a week I seem to trigger more.

Its weired, instead of thinking about shamwow, eric, ozy, or anyone else, for that matter, I seem to think about my own crap.

Granted me and my old lady faced this sh1t head on back in the day, and opened this infidelity crap wide open, however, I seem to trigger more when I'm *not* here helping others.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

the guy said:


> I just hang around to keep guys from apoligizing to their cheating wifes.
> That, and I hope my spelling will improve! LOL
> 
> Seriously, I think more about my own crap when I'm not on here.
> ...


Maybe paying it forward is helping you to keep moving forward (?).


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya thats so true.

I may not be able to spell worth a damn, but I sure as hell want to do my best to prevent other guys from phucking up when it comes to all this crap we all went through.

I'l keep moving forward if you keep moving forward? LOL

Besides, maybe I'm just trying to aggitate the masses, here at TAM


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

Like many things in life, I think it comes down to intent. CWI is not inherently bad or damaging, it depends on how we are using it. Like alcohol, guns and many other things in life - it isn't a bad thing in and of itself, but it can become a bad thing if used in the wrong way.

If used as a source of learning, understanding and support, it's great. If used as a way to keep immersed and obsessed in pain and anger it's not. 

When I first came here, it was to seek advice, tools and support in dealing with my wife's betrayal. And this site, and many people on it, were instumenal in my personal recovery and our reconciliation. 

Now, I come here mostly in the hopes of helping others. Hoping that some of what I have learned can benefit others in the early stages of discovery and healing. It's a pay it forward kind of thing.

I think it comes down to intent.


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