# Getting married in 2 months, but feel very confused!



## Gwen (Nov 15, 2008)

Hi all,

This is my first time here and I'd really appreciate some help.
I know this is quite long but I am very grateful to anyone who manages to get through and has a bit of advice!

First of all, this is not just a case of cold feet. I love my fiancee very much and the thing I want the most right now is for us to to be happy together.

We're both 26 and have been together for almost two years. Since the day we met we knew we wanted to be together and have been in each other's pockets since. But our relationship has never been easy. We have had our ups and downs, but have resolved the issues and feel like we have come out stronger. I don't think it is necessary to discuss the issues we have been through, to make this post shorter, but do please feel free to ask if you so wish!

We are generally a good, solid couple, but we are both stubborn and when we argue, we tend to argue big. 

Let's discuss the issue that has led me to start this thread, (though I may go off on a tangent at times):

It was his birthday last week, so we had friends over to celebrate (around 8 people). Guests started arriving at midday. I generally find his behaviour when he's around friends very immature, which is weird, because he's normally a very mature guy - has been at the same job for a few years, gets paid well, has a mortgage and watches his spending to get the mortgage paid faster, takes care of the house, etc. I guess it gests worst because they're normally drinking.

Tonight, him and a friend whom I've known for a while started making jokes, telling a friend whom I've met today that I'm like a sponge, living off his money whilst he's bringing in income because I'm unemployed. This makes no sense, as I have only been unemployed for 1 week because I really was hating my job, and I already have an interview lined up. Besides, we have separate joint accounts, I use my own money for everything, and contribute accordingly towards bills, etc.

I feel like he doesn't respect me, and this is only one example. Whenever I mention respect to him, he says it's not about respect. He doesn't really get the meaning of respect in a relationship...

After that I told him in private that I was unhappy and that we would talk tomorrow, and continued the evening (we were playing poker by this point), being pleasant with our friends like if nothing happened. He, however, keeps coming to kiss me and hold me all the time, asking what he did wrong, and starts apologizing, though making it clear he doesn't know what he did wrong. How can you apologize if you don't know what you did wrong??? I feel like he says 'I'm sorry' just so we can move on, but he doesn't really care about my feelings.

When he tried to kiss me I just tried to stop him, but making sure our friends wouldn't notice as I don't like making a scene, but I think this made him annoyed.

Then him and his friend proceeded to shut me and his friend's girlfriend outside in the backyard - again being immature - and I asked (properly) for him to open it and he didn't. They made us stay out in the cold for a while.

When we came back in him and his 2 friends were playing computer games, alienating me and his friend's girlfriend. By this point it was already 2am and I was tired and wanted to go to sleep, at the end of the day these people had been around since midday. I asked him how long they'd be and he said he didn't know. The girlfriend and I went to the bedroom to watch a movie, and he kept closing the door which I didn't like as I didn't want to be completely shut out. I insisted on the door being opened and although he did he told me to **** off in front of his friend, which is something I absolutely cannot cope with. It has happened in the past, and it is getting better, but still happens...

He just came to bed, at 5:30am.

I'm just so confused. I don't know how to deal with the issues. I feel like the comment he made about me being unemployed was disrespectful, shutting me out was immature, I don't want to ever ever be told to **** Off, especially not in front of friends, and I don't want guests to be here until 5:30am when I'm completely shut out in the bedroom and not participating.

I just feel like crying and I don't know whether this is something that we can work on, that is similar to the things all couples go through, or whether it's a sign that we shouldn't be together.

This will be my second marriage (got married very young before and was extremely naive - it lasted 3 years but we had to give up in the end) and I really want this to be forever, I guess I'm over sensitive to 'warning' signs.

He's got a friend who's been traveling coming back at the end of the year and I had agreed to rent the spare room to him for a while, because my fiancee really wants this, but I was already worried about how it may turn out and today made me doubt it even more. I really don't think he'd react well if I said I don't agree to it anymore, and this thought has made me want to do it, just to test if he will include me in decisions like this in the future (the house is his).

I could go on forever, but it's time to try to get to sleep.

I have no friends or family here I could talk to, so would be very grateful for any help you guys can give me.
Thanks for reading!!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

dude still kinda hanging on to being "single?" he's a man. we're stupid.

like the song says,"we're wrong, and we're sorry, but it's prob'ly gonna happen again."

he'll grow up. give him some boundaries. this is what YOU want, for US. he'll get that, i think.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

POSTPONE the wedding (for at least a year). Do it now, before people start to show up. 

Then tell your fiancee that he needs to grow before you will marry him. 

That means (insert your list here, make it thorough)...

And that you do NOT want a renter (who happens to be his friend and will likely cause him to revert to his "single" attitude).


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

voivod said:


> he'll grow up. give him some boundaries.


:iagree:

There has to be some consequences for when he tells you to F-off. but you already mentioned its getting better.

It sounds like these are things that you two can work through if you learn some good boundary skills, and some communication skills.


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## hockey_mom (Oct 23, 2008)

I agree with Dcrim I see some red flags that need to be adressed before you get married they will only get worse after marriage


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## Gwen (Nov 15, 2008)

Thanks all - managed to sleep for 3 hours only...

The thing is, I moved to his country to be with him and we can't postpone the wedding more than a couple of months because I will need to renew my visa, unless he wants to move back to my country, which I don't think he'd like to do.

Should I suggest that we postpone it and move back to my country?

I really worry that once we get married he will stop making an effort and these things will get worst.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Gwen said:


> I really worry that once we get married he will stop making an effort and these things will get worst.


He probably will get complacent, and really if you marry him knowing he is like this, then really you dont have much to say. 

Something Drac suggests on here is to write up an agreement that he and you sign. So you could postpone the wedding, write down the things you both need to work on, and if he wont sign it, or he doesnt follow through with it, then you have your answer.

for example my H had to agree to go to counseling and do boundary books with me or i leave.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

dcrim said:


> POSTPONE the wedding (for at least a year). Do it now, before people start to show up.
> 
> Then tell your fiancee that he needs to grow before you will marry him.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

draconis


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## Patty Newbold (Nov 16, 2008)

Gwen, by the time it gets to name-calling, your very best strategy is to put some space, or even a bedroom door, between you until emotions are cooler. Nothing good happens while the two of you are at that boiling point.

But you can repair things before they get to this point. Go back to this point in your unhappy day, Gwen:
_Tonight, him and a friend whom I've known for a while started making jokes, telling a friend whom I've met today that I'm like a sponge, living off his money whilst he's bringing in income because I'm unemployed._

You may have let your fears take over from your conscious thinking at this point. Fear is biologically designed to focus your attention on dealing with a threat, and it tends to block out a lot of other things you know that matter.

To get back in control, assume love for a moment. Try on the idea that he respects and loves you as much as ever, and he's the man you described: reliable, sensible, financially responsible, and fun to be around. I'm not asking you to pretend nothing happened, but to just accept this as a given for a moment while you think this through. 

Test the idea that he loves you and will care for you, instead of the scary possibility that he doesn't and won't.

Why might a good man, utterly in love with you, say something like this to a friend, after a few beers, while you can hear him? When you ask yourself this, you will likely recall some things that had escaped your mind. 

Any reason he would want to _brag_ about taking care of a "sponge" to this particular friend? We make stupid miscalculations when our mind is on making ourselves look good. Everything that follows is usually an attempt to recover and look good again. Often, we do this by convincing ourselves someone else is to blame for our faux pas.

Any reason why he might be frightened or angry about your unemployment? After a few drinks, many people will joke about things that are secretly bothering them. 

For example, is he your sponsor for immigration, which would make your separate accounts irrelevant in the responsibility department? Did you accept unemployment without consulting him first, or against his wishes? Or could he be looking for more gratitude or respect for handling this risk and possible expense for his woman?

As an outsider, I cannot know the answers, but you do. 

If you decide there's no way a loving man would behave like this, given what you know about his strengths, his fears, and your past history together, you might want to think about heading home, with or without him.

However, if you think about it and decide he could love you and respect you and just be talking out of fear or anger, you might want to approach the issues more directly, so you two can get back to loving each other.

_I feel like he doesn't respect me, and this is only one example. Whenever I mention respect to him, he says it's not about respect. He doesn't really get the meaning of respect in a relationship..._

He doesn't get _your_ meaning. If he loves you, and he doesn't intend to harm you, of course he's going to reject this label. The label is doing you no good, just getting in the way of you feeling loved. Without labeling him or his motives, ask him for what you want. If he doesn't speak your language on this issue, he'll never guess what you want. Tell him, and start with "I." 

For example, "I want your friends to like me, so I would like them to hear what's good about me, not what upsets you. If anything upsets you, please tell me first, not them." If he loves you, as I suspect he does, this tells him exactly what he can do to please you. It doesn't guarantee he'll do it, as we all must make our own decisions and face our own fears, but there's a much better chance you'll get what you want this way.


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## Gwen (Nov 15, 2008)

Hi Patty Newbold, your post makes a lot of sense.

I don't think there's any reason for him to be unhappy about my unemployment. I did consult him first, in fact he told me to leave way before I actually did. He's not my sponsor for immigration purposes as I'm currently on a working holiday visa. But also I think that if he was, it would be because he proposed to me and asked me to move to his country, so he shouldn't feel unhappy about it, should he? Dunno.

I have money saved and don't need him to provide for me at all. When we were in my country I used to get paid more than him and paid for most bills for that reason. Now he gets paid more but I still earn reasonably well and am able to support myself. I have only been unemployed for 1 week anyway!

Your advice about dealing with things more directly is great and I do try to keep that in mind, but it's hard sometimes. Also, whenever I say anything he makes it out that I'm too hard work, close minded, etc, so we don't tend to get anywhere. He tends to want me to get over things (and actually uses those words) rather than talk about an compromise.

You've given me a lot of food for thought, I really appreciate it!


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## Patty Newbold (Nov 16, 2008)

Glad to help, Gwen.

His "get over it" definitely won't help for most disagreements, but neither will compromise. What is compromise but the agreement to accept less while insuring the person you love most in the world also suffers?

I'm a very big fan of finding third alternatives, the answers we find that give us BOTH what we liked about our initial ideas and none of what we fear about each other's proposal. 

To find them, you have to jump the net, get on the same side, ask what your partner likes and doesn't like about the two options, so you can find a way to offer him everything he wants without denying yourself. Lots of issues that look like either-or choices turn out not to be, once we look more closely at what different aspects of the options we're paying attention to.

As for what he should or shouldn't feel, feelings don't follow any logic. We can all feel unhappy (or worried) about the consequences of our choices, even when we know for certain we wouldn't choose any differently if we could get a do-over.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

dcrim said:


> POSTPONE the wedding (for at least a year). Do it now, before people start to show up.
> 
> Then tell your fiancee that he needs to grow before you will marry him.
> 
> ...


:iagree: 
my thoughts take the place back for yourself. to see what you really want. he cant call you a sponger then.
but in your life as you know and with this man, you wil always have some issues. he or you wil have childish moments. being stupid with friends, we all do it.
you just have to look at if you can put up with this man for the rest of your life.


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