# I'm at a hotel tonight



## Zapp Rowsdower (Feb 20, 2012)

I could use some words of encouragement, because I'm worried for what happens now: dealing with my wife and her family, arranging for access to (and hopefully shared custody of) my kids, and all the financial issues.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's found himself in this situation. Please tell me things get better.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

I'm not too familiar, have you posted your story already??? Where are you in the D process???


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

Why are u in a hotel? Did she throw u out or was it a mutual decision?
I would like to know a little more information as well. Did one of you cheat? 
Are you both unwilling to work things out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zapp Rowsdower (Feb 20, 2012)

Cogo123 said:


> Why are u in a hotel? Did she throw u out or was it a mutual decision?
> I would like to know a little more information as well. Did one of you cheat?
> Are you both unwilling to work things out?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My story is posted here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/40368-no-respect.html

She asked me earlier this week to go to a hotel for a few days. I refused - I did not want to leave my house and my children.

But tonight, our nightly argument resulted in me telling her I hated her. Years of bullying, micromanagement of every aspect of my life, and interference from her family finally put me to the boiling point.

After we put our son to bed I had cooled down and said I would just stay in the spare bedroom. She replied that she would prefer I leave after what I said.

This is not a case where anyone cheated, or anything like that. We just differ greatly on raising children, division of housework and other chores, the role of in-laws and other family members, and...pretty much everything else, really.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

So she isn't treating you like a spouse but like a child.
It sounds like if you both agreed to get counseling you could save your marriage.
Your families should not be a part of how you are together as a married couple. If they truly loved you both they would be there to support you but not to run your life.
Do you love her still?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

That's a tough one, because unless you guys can sit down and compromise or go to MC to work it out, it will be a pretty miserable existence if you 2 stay together.....


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## Zapp Rowsdower (Feb 20, 2012)

Cogo123 said:


> So she isn't treating you like a spouse but like a child.
> It sounds like if you both agreed to get counseling you could save your marriage.
> Your families should not be a part of how you are together as a married couple. If they truly loved you both they would be there to support you but not to run your life.
> Do you love her still?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To be honest, my love for her is pretty much gone. And she told me tonight that, counseling or no, she is not going to take a step back from her family.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

So she sounds like she is very stubborn. How can you work together on something when the other person doesn't see that they could be causing the problem. I guess you have done all you can if she will not agree to get the help you both need to save your marriage. 
I would start by telling her how you feel whether its in a text message or a letter so she knows your feelings. If it cannot be worked out between you then its time to move on to a better life where you loved and accepted for who you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Have you tried the 180? Read No More Mister Nice Guy or Married Man Sex Life? Need links to those?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Wow who does she think she is? Sounds like she's been running you life. Why are you just doing everything she says? I would have refused to leave. If she's not happy she should of left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Your situation sounds like mine. 
Stand your ground, but unfortunately-unless you go home and demand to stay there-you will most likely be forced to get your own place. Sometimes...for your own sanity and peace of mind, separation is better.


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Zapp, you are going at this wrong.

Your wife is telling you what to do, and you let her. She tells you where to sleep, etc, etc. Now you are letting her "give" you access to your kids. And you are "hoping" for shared custody of your kids.

Go to dadsdivorce.com, and take a look at "the list" in their forums, for clear concrete direct steps that you need to follow to take control of your life.

If you want to have meaningful time and influence in the upbringing of your kids, you must move back into your house. Read "the list", and prepare. Moving out of your house is the biggest mistake you can make. If you stay out of your house, you are at your wife's mercy as far as custody.

Don't let your wife decide what's best for you. Take control.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Go back home, file for divorce.

Leaving the house puts you in a bad position for divorce and custody.

Pack up right now and return to your house.

Then divorce the entitled ***** you married.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Zapp Rowsdower said:


> I could use some words of encouragement, because I'm worried for what happens now: dealing with my wife and her family, arranging for access to (and hopefully shared custody of) my kids, and all the financial issues.
> 
> I'm sure I'm not the only one who's found himself in this situation. Please tell me things get better.


Zapp,

Do you know anything of her childhood?

If you do, please share.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You have one of those drill instructor wives, my poor friend has one of those. I don't think you should've left, it just reasserted her dominance over you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, you need to move back into your home. Tell her that you will sleep in the extra room. It's your home, she cannot throw you out of it.


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## Zapp Rowsdower (Feb 20, 2012)

An update: I returned to our home the day after going to the hotel. The wife and I agreed that, for financial reasons if nothing else, it doesn't make sense for me to live elsewhere.

We have reconciled for now, and our counselling appointment is this evening. But I'm keeping the suitcase packed and ready to go just in case.


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

Zapp Rowsdower said:


> An update: I returned to our home the day after going to the hotel. The wife and I agreed that, for financial reasons if nothing else, it doesn't make sense for me to live elsewhere.
> 
> We have reconciled for now, and our counselling appointment is this evening. But I'm keeping the suitcase packed and ready to go just in case.



People have posted already to try and guide you in the direction you NEED to go.

You are LETTING HER RUN THE SHOW. You are LETTING her be your Mother.

If you are ready to leave, why not just stand up to her? You leaving is not going to change anything. If you don’t face this, you mine as well start planning a divorce the right way.

Good luck.


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## Zapp Rowsdower (Feb 20, 2012)

Thanks to everyone for their advice on this case.

Here's the situation now: I am back in the house indefinitely. For a while it looked like we might be able to make it work, but as of last night we're back in separate bedrooms. (In fact, the wife demanded that I move all my clothes from the master bedroom closet. Fine with me - it's too crowded with her junk anyway.)

I've made it clear that I am staying in the house until we get all of this figured out. I was worried about how all of this will affect the kids, but at least they're too young to understand - and, frankly, I look forward to raising them without their overbearing, high-maintenance mother around. (I'm not settling for anything less than shared custody.)


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Zapp, the behaviors you describe in your 14 posts -- i.e., the blame-shifting, easily triggered anger, verbal abuse, controlling efforts, sense of entitlement, and double standard -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. 

This doesn't mean much if it is happening only occasionally because every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is emotionally healthy. These traits become a problem only when they are strong enough to distort the person's perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations, thereby undermining her ability to sustain close LTRs.

At issue, then, is whether your W's BPD traits are at a moderate to strong level. If so, it would help explain why she is so controlling, abusive, and overbearing -- just like her mother. I therefore suggest you read about the BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar. 

An easy place to start reading, Zapp, is my description of these traits in Maybe's thread about his controlling, abusive W. It starts at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be happy to discuss it with you and point you to excellent online resources about BPD. Take care, Zapp.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

You say in your other post that she's extremely controlling and she doesn't respect you and it's not an equal partnership and she calls all the shots.

Then you say here in this post that she told you to leave the house after you offered to stay in the spare bedroom. 

And you left as per her orders.

Break the cycle. 

Before it breaks you.

I've spent a week in a hotel but only after I refused to leave the home and she hit me with a bogus Order of Protection which she subsequently retracted. 

But at least I didn't walk out of the house with my tail between my legs because she pointed to the door and said "Go!".


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