# Feelings of Betrayal roller coaster



## Jwizi (Apr 6, 2020)

I found out about the EA about 2 weeks ago. But for a whole month she has been distant and hiding her phone from me when I would get close and quickly close Facebook messenger. The night I found out about the EA she didn’t want to let it go. I found it a little weird that she suddenly had jewelry I have never seen before when I asked about it she said it belonged to her passed nana. At the same time she suddenly got into art and started it with making romantic pieces. She would pause quite often to respond to someone on her phone.

At the time we were going through a hard time in our marriage and had a big fight before they have been texting.

One night we were cuddling on the couch watching Game of Thrones when her phone went off. She distances herself from me and I leaned in and saw that he sent a picture of himself to her. After that night he becamethe reason for our arguments for three weeks. Every time her demising that I saw what I saw. Now I know his name and who he is connected too. He is apparently a dance instructor at a school call (REDACTED BY MODERATOR) and a coworker to my sister who is also a dance instructor there.

when I figured out about the EA she still refused it for days. Until finally I took her phone and read what ever messages that weren’t already deleted and confirmed it for myself. I called him with her phone and told him to stop and screenshot what ever evidence I could and sent it to my sister.

My wife has since then apologized but I can’t get over the betrayal and I don’t even get the comfort of proof because she deleted everything and she refuses to tie up the loose end when I ask her how do I know it’s over?

There was no letter or text of NC. She let me dispose of the various gifts he gave her. I know his address and I am very temped to send a thug his way or even show up on his door step to show him the error of his ways.

As for how I’m feeling, I don’t think I have ever been more frustrated, angry, depressed, betrayed, or disrespected in my life.

She is trying to say things will work out and that she will do everything she can to make things better but I find myself wondering: How? I ask for proof and you can’t give me any? If I can’t be trusted with proof then how can I trust you?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

EA? Maybe but cheaters lie a lot. If they had contact it’s probably a Sexual affair. Most are in denial upfront.

If he’s married your first step should be to inform his wife. Without warning your wife. Just because you found out doesn’t mean it’ll end. Often they just go underground and hide it better.

You are correct. Her words are meaningless. She’s a proven liar.

Her OM is not your main problem. Your wayward wife let him in. Talking to him will be a waste of time.


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## Jwizi (Apr 6, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> EA? Maybe but cheaters lie a lot. If they had contact it’s probably a Sexual affair. Most are in denial upfront.
> 
> If he’s married your first step should be to inform his wife. Without warning your wife. Just because you found out doesn’t mean it’ll end. Often they just go underground and hide it better.
> 
> ...


He is not married and thank you for the in-site


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

> At the time we were going through a hard time in our marriage and had a big fight before they have been texting.


Please do not use that as an excuse or justification. Your wife could have made several other choices, none of which include allowing another man into your marriage. It doesn't matter how rough things were or what you did, your wife chose to have an affair and that is 100% on her. 

Personally, I also wouldn't trust that the affair started after your fight. Something had to of been brewing beforehand for her to jump to him like that and be bold enough to text him with cuddling with you. These things don't just start out of the blue, and I'm not convinced that an OM was sending jewelry to a woman he was only in an EA with. Maybe it was "just" an EA, but be prepared to find out that it wasn't. Maybe it lasted as long as she claims, but be prepared to find out that it didn't. Typically, cheaters only admit to as much as they have to or trickle the truth out. Your wife didn't admit to anything until you had proof. So, what else is she hiding that you don't have proof of?



> My wife has since then apologized but I can’t get over the betrayal and I don’t even get the comfort of proof because she deleted everything and she refuses to tie up the loose end when I ask her how do I know it’s over?


Honestly, you don't. Your wife has proven that she is a liar and someone who cannot be trusted. Over time your wife will have to prove that she is trustworthy, and you will have to learn to trust her again. That does NOT happen in two weeks! Not even close.



> There was no letter or text of NC. She let me dispose of the various gifts he gave her. I know his address and I am very temped to send a thug his way or even show up on his door step to show him the error of his ways.


What is the point of confronting the OM? He isn't the one who betrayed your marriage, your wife is. He owns you nothing, never has. If you want to be angry at someone, be angry at your wife. Hold HER accountable, not the OM.



> As for how I’m feeling, I don’t think I have ever been more frustrated, angry, depressed, betrayed, or disrespected in my life.


ALL of your feelings are normal and to be expected. The feelings suck, but they are normal and it will take time to process them.



> She is trying to say things will work out and that she will do everything she can to make things better but I find myself wondering: How? I ask for proof and you can’t give me any? If I can’t be trusted with proof then how can I trust you?


She says she will do everything to work it out, yet she ISN'T. You said she refuses to tie up the loose ends, so how is that "doing everything she can"? It's not. She hasn't sent a NC letter - she needs to. She also needs to give you a full, written timeline of the affair. She needs to answer every single question you ask, no exceptions. Does she?


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

What is needed to stay married is for the cheater to "make amends." You will have your own idea of what "making amends" means, but I was raised that it meant doing what's reasonable, maybe even above and beyond, to make things right the wrongful actions I took. My parents demanded I make amends.

In your situation, my opinion of making amends would be telling the whole truth, no lies, no omissions, and perform any requests you feel is reasonable. Maybe giving up social media, blocking him and showing you she did it, writing a letter of no contact to him, helping you recover the deleted messages, getting tested for STDs and giving you the results (assuming it was physical, which seems it was). Also she has to tell you why she cheated. Not the dopey reasons like you didn't do enough chores or you didn't tell her often enough how hot her butt looks - because those things might be true - but why cheating rather than communicate with you? That kind of why.

I suggest trying to take her temperature. See where her head is at. Ask her to handwrite a letter to him saying she made a terrible mistake and she wants you and she wants to never hear or see him again ever, and if he contacts her, she'll consider it harassment and do what she can legally. Ask her if she'd get an attorney to write the letter to him to cease and desist him trying to contact her. See how much your wife cares about you vs. how much she cares about him. I already know who your wife cares about more. But it might be an eye-opener for you. Your wife lived her whole life without this guy except about starting 6 months ago, and to stay married and help you feel better all she has to do is tell him she never wants him contacting her. Don't you think that's a no-brainer to stay with the husband and lifestyle you love so much?

I also suggest asking her to give you the phone to bring to a computer forensic specialist to recover the deleted messages. If your wife is telling the truth, it shouldn't matter, because she told you the truth. And if the specialist can recover the messages, and it matches up to your wife's claims, then you get to increase your trust of her that she is starting to be honest to you again after all the recent lies upon lies. So it would seem like a win-win to stay married, no? Just ask her and see if she agrees. Ask her if it's important for you to know the truth. Can you forgive if you don't know what you are forgiving for? Because she lied so many times and only admitted when you caught evidence, should you all of a sudden just take her word for it now?

When people who stay together, this is the stuff that has to happen first. Otherwise it lingers forever, like sweeping the dirt under the rug rather than cleaning it up and putting it in the trash. You keep bumping over that lumpy rug. 

The problem is, your wife fell in love with this guy. Why would she do what she did if she didn't fall in love with him, lie to you, risk her husband, marriage, lifestyle? And iif that is true, that she was in love with him, how can she just stop being in love with him in a few days or a week or two? Aren't you feeling this way now about you and your marriage - how did this happen? It took months and months of her distancing herself from you and committing to him. Your wife gave all of her life to him, meaning she told the truth to him, he knows about you, but your wife hid it from you. Very realistically, other man knew more about your wife than you did for the past 6-12 months. She won't be able to just stop contacting him, anyway. She may stop, but not cold turkey. She'll have urges, like an addiction.

Mostly all of us have been there. Some reconciled, many not. YOU are not the person who reconciles, the cheater is needed for that. Most cheaters either won't or can't do what's needed - making amends. I think almost all betrayed spouses originally want to save their marriages. So much so that they post to anonymous internet forums trying to figure it out. Notice your wife is NOT doing that? Or probably anything else, like buying books on how to recover after an affair? Weird, right? She cheated, now you are the only one trying to fix it. But this is common. She's about 6-12 months ahead of you mentally as far as detaching from the marriage.

If she doesn't accept your requests? Then start getting ready for divorce. You can stop the process if she changes her mind. But right now she is just giving you lip service to stabilize the situation. She was not ready to leave yet, as evidence, she did not leave. She could have left you whenever she wanted, even without the infidelity. But she didn't. She needs time.


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## Jwizi (Apr 6, 2020)

bobert said:


> Please do not use that as an excuse or justification. Your wife could have made several other choices, none of which include allowing another man into your marriage. It doesn't matter how rough things were or what you did, your wife chose to have an affair and that is 100% on her.
> 
> Personally, I also wouldn't trust that the affair started after your fight. Something had to of been brewing beforehand for her to jump to him like that and be bold enough to text him with cuddling with you. These things don't just start out of the blue, and I'm not convinced that an OM was sending jewelry to a woman he was only in an EA with. Maybe it was "just" an EA, but be prepared to find out that it wasn't. Maybe it lasted as long as she claims, but be prepared to find out that it didn't. Typically, cheaters only admit to as much as they have to or trickle the truth out. Your wife didn't admit to anything until you had proof. So, what else is she hiding that you don't have proof of?
> 
> ...


No she doesn’t, thank you for your in-site


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## Jwizi (Apr 6, 2020)

OutofRetirement said:


> What is needed to stay married is for the cheater to "make amends." You will have your own idea of what "making amends" means, but I was raised that it meant doing what's reasonable, maybe even above and beyond, to make things right the wrongful actions I took. My parents demanded I make amends.
> 
> In your situation, my opinion of making amends would be telling the whole truth, no lies, no omissions, and perform any requests you feel is reasonable. Maybe giving up social media, blocking him and showing you she did it, writing a letter of no contact to him, helping you recover the deleted messages, getting tested for STDs and giving you the results (assuming it was physical, which seems it was). Also she has to tell you why she cheated. Not the dopey reasons like you didn't do enough chores or you didn't tell her often enough how hot her butt looks - because those things might be true - but why cheating rather than communicate with you? That kind of why.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your in-site it has given me more to think about.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Jwizi:
A few actions to take -

1.) *Lawyer up.* Find out your rights and expectations. One possibility is to have her served. You can call it off if she gets her head out of her nether regions. Consider having a Post-Nup agreement set up.

2.) *STD test.* You have no assurance that there was no sex involved. She could have been gambling with your health.

3.) *180 Technique is your new religion.* Here's a link. The 180 for Hurt Spouses - Healing Infidelityhealinginfidelity.blogspot.com › 2014/03 › the-180-for-hurt-spouses

4.) *Demand a Timeline of the affair to be checked against a polygraph exam.* Amazing confessions often come out in the parking lot before the exam.

5.) *Demand a NO Contact Letter.* Period. End of story or end of marriage!

6.) *Access to All Electronics, all media, everything.* There is no privacy in a marriage.

7.) *Expose to everyone.* E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E.

8.) *Start separating finances, credit cards, insurance, life insurance beneficiaries, & will.*

9.) *As Maximus said: "Strength & Honor".* You have to be willing to lose a marriage to save it.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

She's not done.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

She is still in this fog.....and frankly it does not sound like she is active at all in this marriage, what heavy lifting is she doing to save this marriage.....frankly I would tell her if you are not 100% invested in this marriage than leave there is the door while I love you, I have enough self respec to be no one plan b.....so go but understand there is no coming back at all.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

She is just going to take this further underground. Bet.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Sorry you are going through this. First and most important thing you must do is take care of yourself. Take some time to really think about what you want, make a plan and follow it through.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> Sorry you are going through this. First and most important thing you must do is take care of yourself. Take some time to really think about what you want, make a plan and follow it through.


Listen to Numb26, he knows and took it on straight forward as any spouse should.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jwizi said:


> I found out about the EA about 2 weeks ago. But for a whole month she has been distant and hiding her phone from me when I would get close and quickly close Facebook messenger. The night I found out about the EA she didn’t want to let it go. I found it a little weird that she suddenly had jewelry I have never seen before when I asked about it she said it belonged to her passed nana. At the same time she suddenly got into art and started it with making romantic pieces. She would pause quite often to respond to someone on her phone.
> 
> At the time we were going through a hard time in our marriage and had a big fight before they have been texting.
> 
> ...


@Jwizi I removed identifying details in your post. For your security more than anything else. Also, though it might make a good fantasy, sending a thug round or even visiting him yourself never ends well or in the way you might expect.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Brother, sorry you are here. I feel she has taken this underground. She did make the conscious decision to cheat even emotionally on you and family. It wasn’t a mistake but a choice they both made. To remain in the marriage she has to be a safe partner. This is up to her to prove, not leaving it up to you. Don’t send thugs around to discuss the AP short comings towards your marriage. Revenge will lead to Gaol or Jail There aren’t worth it. 
Get tested STDs and STIs as well as her regardless of what she says. Her words have little to no trust. She also has to show you her results. Talk to her and find out who knew and assisted in the A, even if it was her sister as they are not friends to the marriage. 
Get her to write a time line for the A, all meetings, kisses, her thoughts and how she justified the betrayal to you and children (if any). Ask what her ideas were when she was going to be caught and how it would unfold if the roles were reversed and why. 
Accept no blame for her actions. 
one day at a time
Buffer


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If she is REALLY sorry -- have her give you her phone. You can run recovery software to try and get back everything she's deleted.
If she was being honest, she wouldn't have deleted ANYTHING. She is trying to control how much you really know -- and that's just a tip of the iceberg. I would doubt that it was just an EA esp. since he was giving her jewelry.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lostinthought61 said:


> She is still in this fog.....


She's not in any magical "fog."

She knows *exactly* what she's doing. And one of those things she's doing is manipulating the OP three ways to Sunday. She's SUCH a freakin' liar.

OP - do you actully know for a *fact* that her boyfriend ISN'T married, or are you stating this because your wife told you that? Why reason would she have to lie to you about it, you ask? Because she'd like to protect her boyfriend if she can by telling YOU that he's not married so that you won't go looking for his wife and tell her the what's going on. * THAT'S *why she'd lie to you and tell you Don Juan isn't married.

She's a manipulator and you seem to be very naive and far too forgiving. This romance of hers ain't over. Not by a long shot.


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## Jwizi (Apr 6, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> She's not in any magical "fog."
> 
> She knows *exactly* what she's doing. And one of those things she's doing is manipulating the OP three ways to Sunday. She's SUCH a freakin' liar.
> 
> ...


I know he is not married. My sister works with him at the dance academy.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Jwizi said:


> I know he is not married. My sister works with him at the dance academy.


Well SSGI is right about one thing. She is lying to you about all of it. 

It is not an emotional affair, they are screwing. It is not over, it is still going on. 

What else do you need to know. 

It is time to file for divorce and move on...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jwizi said:


> I know he is not married. My sister works with him at the dance academy.


Good, then that just means there's one less devastated woman out there and you don't have to worry about being the messenger.

It appears you've been working very hard to stay in denial. Just about every post in this thread has told you her affair is very likely physical or they've told you to get STD testing - which means they think it's physical. But you're still desperately holding onto the notion that it's an 'emotional' affair and that these two just have a crush on each other. Men don't tend to spend their money on jewelry for women they just hang out at the malt shop with, sharing a milkshake. But they WILL buy jewelry for women they feel they have an intimate connection to and with whom they feel emotionally connected.

You *SERIOUSLY* need to pull your head out of the sand.


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