# Can someone please help me get over this, or tell me to knock it off



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

and move on?

I know dwelling on the past is NOT helping and doing nothing. Especially when no MAJOR betrayal actually happened, just stuff that made me upset and I feel like I keep triggering...

When I was pregnant with our first kid a few years ago, RIGHT after I gave birth, husband was always looking at one of his coworkers FB pages. They were friends then, but when this all went down it was TOO much for me to handle, I couldn't mentally deal with it, post partum blues, feeling betrayed...all of it was too much and it upset me. 

I feel like that time period is tainted with that dumb situation  Since then husband said they didn't talk period for almost a year, but then I found out that wasn't true...they did BUT it was restricted to work only but still, he had lied about it. I put my foot down, I was done, we went to MC and he decided he would NOT talk to her anymore unless it was absolutely necessary at work. This came from him and he decided it was an easier way to deal with it, he saw it hurting me and felt like he ruined any friendship he had with her and it was all not worth it before. Since then, this coworker (who I was partly friends with) defriended me on FB because it was awkward, but she also got married and has a kid...so things are different now...

Well now that I'm pregnant again, I feel like lots of those feelings are coming back again. I"m thinking of that time and getting resentful still. I feel anxious and jealous about other stuff with husband (smaller things that have bothered me before...some of it is JUST me though, and me being irrational). I see that he works with lots of attractive females and it gets under my skin. I'm acquaintances with several of them and I know they're nice too. And since I recently left work to be stay at home, I'm feeling anxious about NOT having adult interactions everyday and no group of girlfriends to see regularly, all of this together is bothering me so much. 


A lot of other positive things have happened though in the past few years, husband and I did some MC together and worked on improving ourselves. Read 5LL and worked on that a bit, going to read his needs/her needs soon. We've moved to a better area/bigger house, husband seems to be communicating better with me and learning about boundaries. Husband is/was a 'nice guy' and read part of the book--worked on it some, he speaks up more for himself or at least understands some of that mentality better now too (I'm still definitely the more dominant one in our relationship). 

I should feel happy, I should be confident, secure etc. But I keep having these bouts of feeling so anxious, jealous, insecure etc. I know looking how I look doesn't help, but even pre-baby I needed to work out/lose weight. 

Maybe its nothing wrong with husband and its ALL ME that is screwed up :scratchhead: It's like I can't get a hold over my feelings and I get in a 'stuck' mode. None of this will help my marriage, I hate how I keep telling husband I feel like this. He said he is going to try to do more to make me feel more secure BUT really that is NOT his job, that needs to come from me. Maybe the more I read TAM the more I complicate things...

Help


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Someone, anyone? Maybe I need to go for IC, I'm letting this become mentally too much for me, letting it take over and not be a good mom or good wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whiner (May 22, 2013)

Hormones can definitely mess with you at a time like this! What exactly has happened? From your post, he seems to be doing everything right through this pregnancy. If he really is, maybe some IC would be a good idea. On the other hand, if you really have a reason to worry, it would be best to face it. Don't assume it's just you being "crazy." Try to backtrack to serif anything solid has triggered these feelings.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

People who work together talk. Half the population on earth is female and your husband will occasionally have words with one or look at one. You're the one he picked and you're the one he keeps making babies with. Your suspicions don't seem to be justified. In any event, they aren't helpful to someone who's trying to build a stable, happy marriage and family.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Yellow, its probably the pregnancy hormones. I'm pregnant too, and every little thing hurts my feelings until I have time to think about. I'm not telling H any of this because after I give myself a chance to just think about it, I see how ridiculous it is.

Ex. He told me on Thursday that he and his close friends were watching tonight's basketball at the only single guy's apartment among them (the guy is getting married this month). So I said great, babe you've been traveling so much and haven't had a chance for any male bonding, have fun. But then when we were discussing visiting family tomorrow, he later decide we are going to have a bbq, invite both our families, and get to see everybody in one shot. Again, good idea, right? Well my thoughts immediately go to "he just doesn't want to spend ANY one on one time with me this weekend". Never mind that we just had a WONDERFUL 3 day getaway on Monday through Wednesday. I actually just went in the bathroom and cried about it, and after sitting in there alone, I came to myself and realized how ridiculous I was thinking. H never knew any of this (I don't think) so that's a good thing, but that's how fast hormone can take over with me these days.

The other day I burn his breakfast toast while we were rushing to get out the house and I just cried like a baby when i heard him coming I went in the powder room so he didn't see that meltdown either. I end up burning the toast again when I went in the powder room so he wouldn't see me cryin. But he just said don't worry about it babe I'll just stand here and watch and take money for a loaf bread out of YOUR allowance. I had to laugh.

So Yellow, don't be so hard on yourself or your husband just try to give yourself a moment to get over the rough spots.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Thanks guys...

So I talked to him, it went a lot deeper and brought up some issues that have been unresolved FOREVER! Mostly his lack of communication skills, this has been a problem for a long time but now that we have kids, now that he and I are MUCH closer and open with each other than ever before, we see where it's really causing problems.

SO tonight he realizes it has to come from within, he said he doesn't want to keep hurting me in so many ways because of his lack of communication. He knew from what I said that divorce is on my mind for the first time ever because I can't keep living like this. I did nothing in the past except follow my gut feeling, I have my own issues to work on but it doesn't excuse his lack of communication (he never communicated well with his family, my family, lack of friends, no relationship before me etc). 

He said he is going to do whatever it takes on his end (reading books, seek IC, etc) and I can decide in my own head when I want to see some changes by...I'm not going to tell him so he doesn't grow resentful of me like its a timeline or a mom he has to answer to.

So I'm going to email myself today's date, what we talked about and update over the next few months to see what REALLY happens.

Thank you so much for answering. The past few days have been HARD for me ray::slap:


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## Christina909 (May 2, 2013)

I used to be insecure with my husband too. He is handsome and women seem to like his personality. I finally prayed and let God handle him. I realized I don't have control over who he talks to at work but he knows what's acceptable and wants not. Also realize that your hubby married you and loves you and know one can come between your bond when is strong so keep that connection. I was separated for 52 days and realized my mistake was I was so busy I lost the connection I never even listened when my husband told me about his day, I realize it now and appreciate him more everyday. A great read is Ed Wheats love life for every married couple it changed how I felt about marriage ok hope that helps been married for 10years and feel like with everything I've been through I got a PHD in marriage


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Christina909 said:


> I used to be insecure with my husband too. He is handsome and women seem to like his personality. I finally prayed and let God handle him. I realized I don't have control over who he talks to at work but he knows what's acceptable and wants not. Also realize that your hubby married you and loves you and know one can come between your bond when is strong so keep that connection. I was separated for 52 days and realized my mistake was I was so busy I lost the connection I never even listened when my husband told me about his day, I realize it now and appreciate him more everyday. A great read is Ed Wheats love life for every married couple it changed how I felt about marriage ok hope that helps been married for 10years and feel like with everything I've been through I got a PHD in marriage



Thank you for sharing!


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