# Wifes Stays Out late Twice a Week and Lies



## ConfusedHusband101 (Jun 19, 2011)

I need some advice on how to approach my wife, I do not want to come off emotional and start a fight, I want it to be a healthy conversation and results.

My wife has been staying out late with friend twice per week either dinner and drinking at their house or at a bar. She usually does not come home until 12am-3am. She always says she will be home early but every time she stays out late. It is building a lot of mistrust.

She stays out on Tues or Wed nights and Fri or Sat. I normally do not go with since during the week I have business to attend and get up early. Staying out late at the bar on the weekend has zero interest, we are in our 30s, I did that when I was in my 20s and I have zero interest in that activity.

I am less concerned with her cheating, I am concern what goes on at bar that late, she has in the past had very bad experiences from guys people pills in her drink and pushing sex on her (years ago when she was single). 

So I am very worried from that stand point, plus I feel that she does not respect the marriage or me by staying out that late that often. Its not like a once a month thing, it is now a regular part of the week which causes lots of stress, sleepless nights and mistrust.

I feel like her and I are going in two different directions, I am focused on growing a person and I feel like she is going backwards staying out late drinking like a 21 year old. It is tough to watch and I do not want us to get divided anymore.

Am I over reacting? To me this does not seem like healthy or normal behavior of a 31 year old wife and mother. How do I approach her? I do not mind her going out once a week, but twice is too much plus if she can come home at a decent hour that would show me that she respects me and our marriage.

Thanks for reading this I know it is a long one.


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

No you are not over reacting, this is not normal behaviour of a 31 year old mother, if she has a kid or kids, or a job that she need to get up for in the morning then this is just being irresponsible, if this happened one time here or there then no problem, but on a regular basis it is just being irresponsible
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## ConfusedHusband101 (Jun 19, 2011)

Thanks Mikey, 

I agree, but she does meet all her work needs and is never late so it is not affecting her work or motherhood yet but its affecting our marriage. 

I just feel like things are not adding up, I guess we all go through some state of crisis if its a mid life one or not, but it is just not sitting well with me. I really do not know how to approach her since she gets very defensive ( I do too) and would start a fight if not done properly.

Any tips on how to bring this up? As I write this she is still sleeping from getting home at 3am last night after saying she would be home early and assured me of this, but once again she fails me she does it every time. Right now I am frustrated, she knows I am pissed already since my reaction to her creeping into bed last night was not a friendly one.

Thanks,


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

Wether you want to admit it or not, it is addecting her motherhood and work, when one is tired they do not perform well at work, and you are saying she is still sleeping while I'm sure your kid or kids have been up for some time now
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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

* affecting
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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I think there is something with women turning 30. Some panic thinking they are aging and quickly retreat back to behaving like a 21 year old. Then others panic thinking they are aging and begin working out, eating better, etc. I've seen women go both ways.


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## ConfusedHusband101 (Jun 19, 2011)

That makes sense as she had a child at a young age. The question is what do I do? Its affecting us and I cannot sit and watch it divid us anymore.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What do YOU like to do to have fun? Can't be a stick in the mud all the time, can you?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Truthfully it's just twice a week and your best bet is to let it ride. Anything you do to try to stop it will likely be met with extreme resistance.


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

I think this may be a good opportunity for you. I don't see any reason your wife shouldn't go out a couple of nights a week drinking, dancing, or whatever, BUT a married woman has no business doing any of these things by herself or with friends and without her husband. At this point, though, it doesn't sound as if she's excluding you; it's just that you don't feel up to going. If you care about her and your marriage, though, you should go. Yes, she's putting herself at risk and you should be worried. But your job is to protect her, in this case by going along and making sure she has a good but safe time. (And learn to dance, if that's her thing, even if it makes you feel like a dork!) If you're worried about feeling tired the next day, just grab an energy drink in the morning or plan on a twenty-minute nap on your lunch hour. It's only a couple of days a week.

Thirty-one isn't old. I wish my wife and I had gone out more for couples stuff when we were in our thirties. We hardly ever went anywhere together without the kids, and the majority of grown-up stuff we did mostly involved one of us going out while the other stayed home. We never had trouble getting sitters for school conferences and the like, and my in-laws never minded watching the kids, so we could have gone out more; we just didn't.

One thing you don't say is who's watching the kids while your wife goes out. I hope it's not you, but I'm afraid it might be. If so, this is the one area in which I would recommend that you be firm. Make it an absolute: Don't watch the kids, ever, while your wife goes out drinking and so forth. That's not your job, unless you want to turn into a Mrs. Doubtfire or something. You shouldn't expect your wife to stay home with the kids while you're out carousing, either, but I don't think that's an issue for you guys.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Confused,

I would advise YOU to get a hobby, or go out with friends, or do anything that also gets you out of the house twice a week, one night at the minimum. YOU need to also have your own time. Thi is important. One, it's healthy for you. Two, it keeps you interesting in your marriage, as you demonstrate you do not only rely upon your wife and being with your wife to define your happiness.

If you stay home all the time by default, your wife gets the impression that "you don't do anything important, anyways.", and then HER time becomes more valuable in her mind than your time.
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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

In fact, schedule something at least once on one of her "away" nights. Ask her she needs to stay home that night because YOUR busy, and you would really appreciate it if she could watch the kids that evening.

Or, better yet, plan a date with her. Get a sitter. Pick an activity. Then, that day TELL her you two are going out for some couple time that night. Surprise her with what you planned.
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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

I'm surprised no one is suspicious of her activities.

Here's a married woman, going out to bars twice a week. Personally, I don't like it one bit.

Do you know where she goes?
Is she open about the location?

What would happen if you disrupt her plans one night? Make her think she's going, then spring a surprise on her, that requires that she be with you. Watch her actions, see if she goes into a state of panic. Or if she simply calls her girlfriend (in front of you), and changed her plans.
I;m sure a twice a week party could lose an unexpected date once in while

What would she do, if you popped in on her? (just happen to pass by)
Do you know the "friends"? Are there any "guy friends" with her?

Hey, I don't want to come off as overly suspicious... but I am 

Her actions, are not consistent with a happily married woman. I'm OK with girl's night, but twice a week, is something I'd look forward to, if I were meeting someone.

Are all her friends single?


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> I'm surprised no one is suspicious of her activities.
> 
> What would she do, if you popped in on her? (just happen to pass by)
> Do you know the "friends"? Are there any "guy friends" with her?


I was assuming there were guy friends involved, too, but I didn't want to rub it in. There's probably still time to nip this in the bud, though, if it's a new thing for the wife. There's no reason to assume she wouldn't rather be out with her husband, if he weren't being such a stick-in-the-mud.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Better regain some control. At very least go with her once a week. Get the sitter lined up and then call her and let her know you're on your way. 

You should also get out of the house and do stuff. I'm not saying go drinking or bar hopping but maybe hit the gym or bowling leave or something. 

You should be suspicious of her activities - married women got no reason to be single life-ing it up while you're stuck home 2-3 times a week. Once a month I could see, but every week? Yeah something ain't right. Get it figured out before it's too late!
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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

This is not acceptable wife or even husband behavior. Sit her down and discuss the consequences of her actions. 

A friend of mine went through this. His wife got a job where there was alot of young men and she started going to "after work" happy hours. Sometimes she would come home drunk at 2am. They have two great kids together so he sat her down and told her this was not going to fly. She balked and accused him of being controlling. He said I'm not controlling you at all but my whomever is my wife is not going to be doing this ****. They divorced and he married later to a wonderful woman that doesn't think she's a teenager in her 40's.
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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You don't mind that men are all over your wife twice a week and she LOVES it? What do you think she does when she goes out? Sits and chats with her gal pals? Horny men are all over her like white on rice when she's out.

Please. Please please please please. Hire a PI. Have him follow her and see what her actions are when she's out playing with the boys. I can GUARANTEE her actions won't match what she says she does when she's out.

God I wish I did when my wife went through this stage. My wife stopped after some guy she hooked up with called her a few days later to set up a date and I answered her phone.

Why do you think they call these places meat markets? They exist for people to hook-up. And your wife s.l.u.t.s around at them TWICE A WEEK? 

Men.. WOMEN GO TO CLUBS TO PARTY WITH THE BOYS!!!!! I cannot BELIEVE so few husbands understand this.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If the activities you are describing are inconsistent with marriage, motherhood and life as you know it, then you have to tell her to make the choice, continue going out vs continued living in your marriage.

You should not be OK with her doing this once per week either.


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## Wishful Thinking1 (Jun 20, 2011)

I am sorry to say that she is probably up to no good doing what she is doing. I've been there and done that. You need to tell her one time you want to come with her on a Friday or Saturday night and do it. If she gives you an excuse and doesn't want you to come, you know your marriage is in trouble. Sorry to say it happens every day.
People get bored of the marriages and need something more.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MrK said:


> You don't mind that men are all over your wife twice a week and she LOVES it? What do you think she does when she goes out? Sits and chats with her gal pals? Horny men are all over her like white on rice when she's out.
> 
> Please. Please please please please. Hire a PI. Have him follow her and see what her actions are when she's out playing with the boys. I can GUARANTEE her actions won't match what she says she does when she's out.
> 
> ...


I totally agree. I don't get it either. Their wives seem to pull the Jedi mind trick on them and they can't see it. The husbands are usually barraged by wife's friends, relatives, other husbands and so on that they are being controlling and jealous. They feel bad about thier own instinctive feelings that are dead on. This is just a huge living in denial and just hoping.
After all their wife would never do anything to hurt the marriage. She told him so.


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