# Why is he telling me?



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Please men, Why might he be telling his wife? 
He work away and comes home for three days each week. Stays in company accommodation when away. so she says he came home two weeks back and started telling her that there is a neighbour at work who is pestering him to let her show him the town he is working in. This week he came and told her again that she told him to loosen up and let her show him around town and he said he was busy with work projects in the evenings. 

The wife said to me "why is he telling me?" 
So I asked her if she was doing her job as his wife? 
What is my job as his wife? she asked? 
What do you think you job as his wife is ? I asked back
Well I don't know what you mean. she says All I want to know is why is he telling me about this woman at work. 
Perhaps you need to ask him if he mentions it again then if you are curious. 

So that was that. the conversation did not lead to what I was insinuating, which was that he wanted her to become jealousy and maybe pull up her scks or maybe take them off.

Why would he tell her is a good question. Lets hear it. Why? 

He is in his late 40s and her in her mid 40s. one child 17 . Well to do family.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

MaiChi said:


> Please men, Why might he be telling his wife?
> He work away and comes home for three days each week. Stays in company accommodation when away. so she says he came home two weeks back and started telling her that there is a neighbour at work who is pestering him to let her show him the town he is working in. This week he came and told her again that she told him to loosen up and let her show him around town and he said he was busy with work projects in the evenings.
> 
> The wife said to me "why is he telling me?"
> ...


We don't know enough about anything to know why he's telling his wife about the woman who may or may not be hitting on him, but my assumption would be that he wants to get his wife's attention. He wants his wife to know that someone else might find him desirable, and perhaps rekindle the fire at home. Or confirm that she's checked out in an emotional way.

I wouldn't ask his wife questions regarding her duties as a wife. I'd instead just ask how things are at home. Does she still find him attractive? Would she marry him all over again? Does she think he finds her attractive? What might there life be like once the kid is no longer at home? This assumes, of course, you have the sort of relationship with her that such questions are appropriate. I think they'd be more helpful than a vague question about her duties as a wife.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I think my "take" on it would say that he feels tempted and he's seeking to "borrow" some strength from his wife. 



MaiChi said:


> What is my job as his wife? she asked?


This is a rhetorical reply. She knows very well that her job, as his wife, is to provide companionship and intimacy to her husband. Pretending to "not understand" shows that she is anxious and wants to avoid the question.
@Casual Observer has good suggestions.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

TJW said:


> I think my "take" on it would say that he feels tempted and he's seeking to "borrow" some strength from his wife.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Should she get interested in the case enough to try to show that she really disapproves of the idea of him talking to the other woman? Would he benefit from such advice. He is honest enough to tell her. He is not secretive.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> We don't know enough about anything to know why he's telling his wife about the woman who may or may not be hitting on him, but my assumption would be that he wants to get his wife's attention. He wants his wife to know that someone else might find him desirable, and perhaps rekindle the fire at home. Or confirm that she's checked out in an emotional way.
> 
> I wouldn't ask his wife questions regarding her duties as a wife. I'd instead just ask how things are at home. Does she still find him attractive? Would she marry him all over again? Does she think he finds her attractive? What might there life be like once the kid is no longer at home? This assumes, of course, you have the sort of relationship with her that such questions are appropriate. I think they'd be more helpful than a vague question about her duties as a wife.


Thanks. Good diplomatic way. Makes for deeper conversation.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Every time I have said something like this it is to keep my wife informed. Honey, There is a wolf prowling around the barn and I think he likes to eat sheep. I've fired a few shots at him. I think you should be cautious around the barn and I want you to understand Why I'm keeping the rifle by the back door. 
Pretty much that.

I don't play mind games or try to start jealousy.


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## WorldsApart (May 5, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> Every time I have said something like this it is to keep my wife informed. Honey, There is a wolf prowling around the barn and I think he likes to eat sheep. I've fired a few shots at him. I think you should be cautious around the barn and I want you to understand Why I'm keeping the rifle by the back door.
> Pretty much that.
> 
> I don't play mind games or try to start jealousy.


Exactly. God forbid he's trying to avoid a problem down the road by communicating now.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Every time I have said something like this it is to keep my wife informed. Honey, There is a wolf prowling around the barn and I think he likes to eat sheep. I've fired a few shots at him. I think you should be cautious around the barn and I want you to understand Why I'm keeping the rifle by the back door.
> Pretty much that.
> 
> I don't play mind games or try to start jealousy.


Once she knows what is going on, what contribution to any of it could she make? Or is it simply a "Thank you for telling me." type of response and leaving it at that. If your dear wife came home and said there was a man seemingly interested in her, and she told you several times about different types of evidence, what response would you say was appropriate for such information. 

Could a discussion about the matter take place? If so, what would be its gist and conclusion, or to do action? 

By asking why he is telling her, she does not see what she should do or contribute.

Also as friends of the family, what positive role do we have? We went out with them Saturday evening, but the topic did not come up. I don't even know if he knows that I know anything about it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> Please men, Why might he be telling his wife?
> He work away and comes home for three days each week. Stays in company accommodation when away. so she says he came home two weeks back and started telling her that there is a neighbour at work who is pestering him to let her show him the town he is working in. This week he came and told her again that she told him to loosen up and let her show him around town and he said he was busy with work projects in the evenings.
> 
> The wife said to me "why is he telling me?"
> ...


I think it’s a final plea to her to show some interest in him as a man. He’s more than likely wondering if his marriage is anything other than shared living arrangements and may be considering separation. 
Her response to your question is either naive in the extreme or she’s being obtuse. 
What she should have asked him was what he was doing to dissuade this woman, her seemingly not caring speaks volumes.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> I think it’s a final plea to her to show some interest in him as a man. He’s more than likely wondering if his marriage is anything other than shared living arrangements and may be considering separation.
> Her response to your question is either naive in the extreme or she’s being obtuse.
> What she should have asked him was what he was doing to dissuade this woman, her seemingly not caring speaks volumes.


I perceived that he was appealing and I asked her if she was being a fully functional wife to him. I got the impression that forumists thought perhaps I was a little too crude and stopped a possible conversation developing between me and her, when I could have helped her to see that angle more clearly. Another opportunity has not arisen yet.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> Every time I have said something like this it is to keep my wife informed. Honey, There is a wolf prowling around the barn and I think he likes to eat sheep. I've fired a few shots at him. I think you should be cautious around the barn and I want you to understand Why I'm keeping the rifle by the back door.
> Pretty much that.
> 
> I don't play mind games or try to start jealousy.


Exactly. He may be telling her to keep things in the open.
I would suggest to the man that instead of making excuses that he has work in the evenings, he says that he doesn't go out alone with other women.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

MaiChi said:


> I perceived that he was appealing and I asked her if she was being a fully functional wife to him. I got the impression that forumists thought perhaps I was a little too crude and stopped a possible conversation developing between me and her, when I could have helped her to see that angle more clearly. Another opportunity has not arisen yet.


Asking if she was being a "fully functional wife" sounds a little bit like something out of the Stepford Wives. https://www.yourdictionary.com/stepford

There may be a cultural issue here, in terms of your use of language, that might be preventing any of the subtle nuances of normal conversation. To be blunt, your use of language is a bit... blunt. Not intentionally, I'm sure. No disrepect intended.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> I perceived that he was appealing and I asked her if she was being a fully functional wife to him. I got the impression that forumists thought perhaps I was a little too crude and stopped a possible conversation developing between me and her, when I could have helped her to see that angle more clearly. Another opportunity has not arisen yet.


She asked you for your opinion. You were trying to be diplomatic by asking her if she was doing her job as a wife and she either didn’t understand or didn’t want to understand. 
I don’t think you can do anything either unless she asks you again. I would like to know just how long they have been in this situation regarding him being away from home for four nights each week. A strong marriage can survive this but she seems indifferent and that’s going to lead to problems. If it hasn’t already.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

MaiChi said:


> Once she knows what is going on, what contribution to any of it could she make? Or is it simply a "Thank you for telling me." type of response and leaving it at that. If your dear wife came home and said there was a man seemingly interested in her, and she told you several times about different types of evidence, what response would you say was appropriate for such information.
> 
> Could a discussion about the matter take place? If so, what would be its gist and conclusion, or to do action?
> 
> ...


I have to admit that When I did have this kind of discussion (usually internet predators, not romantic interests) She often brushed it off with a "Thanks for telling me". And I really wasn't looking for more. If I was in a work or social situation, I would expect regular follow up as nasty accusations can get made and you want everyone aware all the time.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Mentioning it once is just him saying “hey, look at this lady sniffing around”. Mentioning it twice is him saying, “I have options”.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Nope, it's guilt driven once his better half know and said well let her show him. Opened his doors regardless of his work projects. Now he is free to work on a new ((( work project))). What a weak man, asking for the go ahead knowing where it will lead. Loser!!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MaiChi said:


> Once she knows what is going on, what contribution to any of it could she make? Or is it simply a "Thank you for telling me." type of response and leaving it at that. If your dear wife came home and said there was a man seemingly interested in her, and she told you several times about different types of evidence, what response would you say was appropriate for such information.
> 
> Could a discussion about the matter take place? If so, what would be its gist and conclusion, or to do action?
> 
> ...


I would ask him what his concerns were. Is he attracted to her. I don’t like the familiarity and would prefer he tell her to back off. It is highly unlikely he wants to pursue a relationship with thee woman but is holding himself accountable to his wife. He may also want her to show some concern and create a plan together.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Tilted 1 said:


> Nope, it's guilt driven once his better half know and said well let her show him. Opened his doors regardless of his work projects. Now he is free to work on a new ((( work project))). What a weak man, asking for the go ahead knowing where it will lead. Loser!!


Then why tell her at all? Better to hide it?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Well just read " Husband to close to female co-workers" it is the way some men think with the exception of some ask and tell their wife and some don't. It's not all men but some do think this way. You sometimes have to be a male to understand trophies in the open are it's own power that all.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

I think she's asking you what to do in her case with her husband. I dont know if she works or not, but maybe, if she does not work, she can go and stay with him at his workplace's home away from home with him. Then she can get a better understanding . 

It could be 1 of 2 things. Either husband wants her to do something about it and help him or she's afraid that an opportunity has presented itself for another woman who is pursuing him while at work and that woman wants to start dating her husband thinking that he is single hermit that only focuses on work. 

I think it's a communication issue that can be approached directly between your friend and her husband. I think husband is asking his wife for her help in this case.


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