# Got a Fix?



## aa33 (Dec 9, 2010)

I've been married for 4 months. We knew each other 7 months before we got married but spent a lot of time together during those 7 months. We decided to get married because we were going to be moving to different places and wanted to start the next part of our lives together. I was a little wary of getting married so soon, but he assured me we would be fine. I knew going in we had different backgrounds. He had already been with several women and had a party lifestyle and was now back in school and slowing down. I had a few bfs but never had sex because of my upbringing and religion, but i didn't think too much of how different we were because we got along so well. When we got married and moved in together. I was packing some of his things up for storage and found a marriage certificate dated about 8 months before we met. I asked him if there was anything he had to tell me, and he said no. Then I showed him the certificate and he admitted he got married was married for a few months and had the marriage annulled. Around the same time after me asking the number of women he had been with changed from 5 which what he told me before we got married to btw 10-20. I also found pictures of him with many exs. Some were X-rated, and he actually left them in my parents house. He's a good guy, and he says he has changed, but part of me feels cheated. I feel like I was up front about everything about myself before he married me, but he hid alot of things from me and he pushed me to get married sooner than I wanted to. 

Ive read emails that he's written in the past when he's been with other women and he talks about what a sex addict he is and so on, but since we've married we don't have sex that often. Initially when I mentioned my feelings he was apologetic but now he just says "i don't care" It's like my insecurities irritate him, but I feel like I wouldn't have these insecurities if he had just been honest in the first place. 

I don't know what to do. I hate to admit this to myself, but I wonder if I had waited to get married and then found out all this and how he lied to me would I have gotten married at all. The worst is I don't trust him. I don't know for sure anymore if he'll be here forever or he'll lose interest and move on. The problem is I thought I knew him, and now I'm not sure.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

How has he cheated? Because he has pictures of exes? How is that cheating?

Okay, he downplayed the fact that he had been with more women than you thought. Maybe he thought you wouldn't date him if you knew. His past is exactly that - his past - we all have them. Why is that an issue?

Now the prior marriage - did you ask him if he had been married before and he said no? If so, then he shouldn't have done that but maybe he was embarrassed because it was annulled?

Maybe you should both sit down and find out why he downplayed the number of women he had seen and why he didn't say anything about the prior marriage.

But I see nowhere in your post where he has cheated at all. I don't think that's the issue - I think lying is the real issue here.


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## aa33 (Dec 9, 2010)

He's never cheated on me. When I said I feel cheated. What I meant was I feel like he was not being fair to me since I was upfront about myself and never hid anything from him. I've always believed when you marry someone you are accepting that person and that includes their past, but he took that away from me because he didn't tell me the truth about his past. Besides I think your past especially if it is repetitive tell you a lot about someone. He didn't say anything about the prior marriage because he said he knew I'd be upset about it.


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## CouplesGuy (Nov 23, 2010)

You've described the problem perfectly. "...I thought I knew him, and now I'm not sure." Seven months is not a lot of time to get to know someone, even if there is real disclosure. I'm sorry to be so blunt with what I am about to say, but your perception is clouded and you need a wake-up call.

You say he's a "good guy", but based on what? You're finding evidence that contradicts this. I'm not really talking about morality, I'm speaking more fundamentally than that. Let's take a look at what you know...and realize there's a LOT that you don't know.

Here are a few thoughts on marriage. First, marriage is about choosing who you will take this journey with, who will stand by you, and you by them, through all the stuff. This requires honesty, or you can't make an informed decision. Next, it's about growing as an individual, and together, over time. That requires intimacy. Intimacy requires transparency. Hiding does happen in marriage, but it can't continue and it's not healthy. He is FAR from showing any signs of transparency. He's a sexual addict, which simply means that it's his favorite drug of choice used to keep the dogs at bay. He's running form some serious demons and this is his distraction. Do you have any real understanding of the depth of this? Did you know what you were signing up for? Are you prepared for this? Are you healthy enough to ride the storm out without compromising your own safety?

I've been married 25 years. I know. It's a wonderful and sometimes messy journey. I think divorce is tragic when it happens because people don't know how to find the help they need. I firmly believe most of it is avoidable. But there are times...

I think you may have gotten conned. I think you need to consider that you married a stranger that doesn't want to face his own stuff, doesn't what to know himself, much less let you see beyond the defenses to who he really is. And who he really is is a BIG question mark right now. There are signs there that are very scary. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but you may want out...quickly. I don't go there often...but I'm just sayin'. 

Marriage is a legal state. This is important because you've legally bound yourself to this person, someone who has not given you full discloser, and has given you reason to believe that he may not be what he presented himself as. I'm not an expert in Family Law, but this raises questions about the legal grounds you may have for untangling yourself from him if there has been misrepresentation. Btw, it is possible that this is what the ex did too. Just something to consider.


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## CouplesGuy (Nov 23, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I don't think that's the issue - I think lying is the real issue here.


I agree...and disagree. There's more there. Lying in the way he did, together with the emails and the sexual addiction raises a question about why. True, he may be embarrassed, but the bottom line is he's hiding. He's hiding from you, hiding from himself, hiding from intimacy. It's not a lie. It's an indicator. It goes deeper than the lie.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

CouplesGuy said:


> You've described the problem perfectly. "...I thought I knew him, and now I'm not sure." Seven months is not a lot of time to get to know someone, even if there is real disclosure. I'm sorry to be so blunt with what I am about to say, but your perception is clouded and you need a wake-up call.
> 
> :iagree: I've been married 25 years and still learning new things about my husband. 7 months isn't long enough to learn anything except that he lied to you about his past.
> 
> You need to know why.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I'm thinking the fact that he had been married before was a need to know thing.

He's based the entire courtship on lies, so that's going to be his M.O. into the rest of the marriage.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Atholk said:


> I'm thinking the fact that he had been married before was a need to know thing.
> 
> He's based the entire courtship on lies, so that's going to be his M.O. into the rest of the marriage.


Can't disagree with that!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

While I can say some things are more of an ask-to-know kind of thing, a previous marriage is one of those things that should be disclosed without asking. While most people do tend to ask, even if you don't, it's something a person should tell you about. The fact that he didn't would make me wonder not only about his honesty, but about WHY he hid the first marriage. Is he just a pathological liar that failed to mention it, or is there something about his first marriage that would have made you run for the hills?


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