# Ladies Opinion on Jealousy



## unhappy74 (Mar 30, 2015)

Hi Ladies, I am a married man that finds himself asking a question. What does it mean when your spouse does not or has never shown jealous feelings? I feel that I am a good looking man & I know others check me out, but my wife never acts like she cares or gives me an inclination that she would care if I was taken by another. When I ask the question she says "yes, I would care" but that's about as far as she gets. Am I wrong thinking that a little jealousy goes along way? or I am just way wrong?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Some people just aren't jealous. Your wife isn't.

Are you?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Do you want your wife to be jealous? That seems to run into the insecurity theme that isn't really popular with men. 

She sounds like she is secure in your relationship. Why would you want her to be jealous of other women that find you attractive? 

If my H wanted me to be jealous of all the women that are attracted to him, I would be exhausted and not have time for anything else. 

Have you done something inappropriate with a female that would warrant her being jealous and she wasn't?


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

It's possible that she is jealous and just keeps it to her self. I have been jealous in my marriage (23 years) but thought it better to keep it to myself. I felt it was a issue with me not with my H. But, maybe she is not because she is self-assured and secure in her relationship with you.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

We are all genetically different. Some people are more genetically inclined towards anger, and some are not aggressive at all.

You want her to be jealous to boost your own ego, and pride. A bit vain, but I am not judging, it is who you are. We all have a certain level of narcissism. We use it to gauge ourselves and potential mates. I am going to guess that your wife is not a very agressive person either.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> If he can be "taken", he's not worth having.


QFT


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I am not jealous. My wife is not jealous. We are both very happy about this.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Funny, Wife & i had this very conversation today.
We work together in the entertainment industry. We are surrounded by mostly famale dancers. She is not jealous in the least however did mention to me that she noticed one particular girl talking with me. I didn't even know who she was talking about. I am surprised that she is not at all protective.. or even noticed before. 

On my end, I can be in a room full of beautiful women and just enjoy the view and smell (sorry but i love it). It never occurs to me to consider anyone a possible mate of any sort. I am a faithful husband.

She on the other hand had a brief affair 25 years ago that we dealt with and a rather long ea with her gay writing partner that I dealt with. I AM jealous. It makes me uncomfortable with all the men she friends on FB - done for business. I do check her activity and she told me its ok for me to check everything she does... no secrets. I do every now and then feel i have to slap down a guy who starts sniffing about. I usually friend them, engage them in a conversation and in the end they back off on their own, only once did i have to advise one of checking to see if the woman he is sniffing is married. She has never responded to any fishing... but she doesnt slap them down either which sometimes pisses me off but then i realize that she has no interest at all so her non response is enough for her.

Do I want her to be more jealous and protective of the relationship? Do I think sometimes she just doesn't care enough about me to be jealous? Am I jealous because of my insecurities or her history of lose boundaries? Should i be concerned that she is not jealous? Does she see me as less of a man who cannot attract other women? or that I'm less of a man so i wouldnt go after one of those cute dancers? Should my ego be bruised from her lack of jealousy?

Interesting questions. I know she loves me and sees us spending the rest of our lives together. She fiercely loves and defends my family. 

I think many of my questions stem from the problems in our sex life. I am HD, she LD. She says women over 55 dont have a sex drive. I am convinced they do if a new lover comes along. She tries... we have sex once a week, sometimes 2... she initiates as its too problematic for her if I initiate... so I wait and let her... but she knows I want/need more. Its an interesting and fluid situation but seems to be working.

TAM is great. I've upped my game. Building muscle and confidence and its beginning to show. Maybe she is starting to notice hence her mentioning that dancer who was talking to me. 

I'd like a female perspective too..... Whats going on here?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I am not jealous at all. I feel very much like French Fry stated. It really wouldn't even cross my mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My H and I both exhibit cute, reasonable amounts of jealousy in an erotic game we play. We both have the position of something like "you're so damn hot that every guy/girl in the room wants you, so I have to stand here and mate guard you to keep the wolves at bay".

He is far more possessive than I am, but I like it the way he does it. He has never, ever accused me of anything. He just makes it known that he will never, ever share me in anyway (even being sniffed would be off limits). 

We are both really good at knowing who is just chatting and who is moving toward flirtation, and we avoid those people.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I should add that my SO is much more "jealous" than me, although I hesitate to use that term because I'm not sure it's the right one. Maybe "protective" is better. Like FW said about her hubs, my guy definitely keeps his eyes open and notices anyone that might be paying me a bit too much attention. 

But it's all in a good way. Nothing obnoxious. I feel safe and very loved. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Many in the CWI section would have a field day with this question. Many would say they were never jealous nor had reason to be.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DoneWithHurting said:


> Many in the CWI section would have a field day with this question. Many would say they were never jealous nor had reason to be.


Being jealous would not have helped save their marriage from infidelity. It's a complete waste of time and energy.

As FF said:



FrenchFry said:


> If he can be "taken", he's not worth having. So for me jealousy is kind of an unproductive emotion.


:iagree:


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Being jealous would not have helped save their marriage from infidelity. It's a complete waste of time and energy.
> 
> As FF said:
> 
> ...


I don't believe that. We are all capable of cheating given the right mix of circumstance. It is our job as a spouse to protect the marriage from predators, your spouse's and your own human failings. Sure there are incompatible people, selfish people and just plain horrible toxic and broken people, but in a healthy relationship you have to watch each others backs or the ground upon which those relationships rest could crumble if heavy rain & winds should come. 

Am I proud telling my wife to unfriend an old boyfriend who hit on her? YES! Am I proud I went behind her bck to slap down a player aiming his sights on her? YES! Its my job. Can it be perceived as controlling? YES but i don't care. If she wants to go, she knows where the door is, but if it's on my radar and in my power, I will wield that power to save what's mine.

There's a reason humans feel jealousy. Its to protect whats ours and preserve the species.


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## unhappy74 (Mar 30, 2015)

I don't believe in the notion of I have to protect "my own". I'm not living in caveman times. My wife is a person not a piece of property. She is very capable of saying to someone "hey, I'm taken or sorry, he's taken". I would speak my piece if someone was "sniffing" around my wife (to her & the other party). I don't think that it's too much to ask if my wife did the same, or showed any kind of emotion (in her own way, besides silence). It's nice for a person to feel like the person you're with gives a crap if you were no longer there. It's nice to know that a person is not replaceable by any means. That's all I am saying. Thanks for comments


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There is a huge gap between being indifferent to keeping you or wanting you, and not being jealous.

My wife values me and our relationship greatly, would not want to lose me and would make every effort to keep me, yet has almost no jealousy regardless of the scenario. She has no fear of losing me, and she is completely right in that assessment.

We're of the opinion that jealousy is usually counterproductive and dysfunctional, even knowing that it evolved to help protect the resources - needed to survive in a harsh environment - from being taken by someone else. Survival is rarely an issue any more.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am generally not an inherently jealous person. This bothered my ex husband a lot, and he said he felt I needed to be "more jealous." It's just cause I trusted him and felt secure in our relationship. Now there was one time I saw someone getting handsy with him and didn't like that. 

Other things happened and then I did have a jealousy gene, but it's usually because of circumstances. 

Some folks just aren't. You may feel it's odd that she isn't because you are/can be.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband has never shown jealousy in a controlling way or a way to cause me to look at him as insecure.. as in me lingering talking a little too long at a party type situation or something I shared or did...(I'm pretty open with it ALL.. play by play).. another reason he's never been too worried about me... 

BUT....

And this is a BIG BUT... I've never given him reason to suspect or feel Jealous in a demeaning hurtful way -as if another was *more important* or *special *to me.. .

This is HUGE and It doesn't seem to be something addressed yet in this thread.. 

There is healthy jealousy ...and a destructive unhealthy jealousy-that can HURT otherwise good relationships...... 

I asked him once if he was ever jealous... he said only when we were dating.. a couple other guys liked me that I was still friends with & would see them at my GF's house.. and I did break up with him once for a short time.. which hurt him deeply.... 

If my Husband didn't care about any of that, like I could just walk away .. and he'd feel nothing. I wouldn't think we had much to begin with... NO..I'd much prefer some healthy Jealousy in a relationship.....over NOTHING.. if one was to compare .. When I hear of a man who has some fantasy to see his wife boned by another man.. and says "it's ALL GOOD...I'm not the jealous type" ! Yeah.. something is seriously wrong with that picture.. 

There is a balance in all of this.. I use this article many times to try & explain it...

Healthy and unhealthy jealousy



> *Two types of jealousy*
> 
> Jealousy can be either healthy or unhealthy. Healthy jealousy is a means to guard your territory and comes from a sincere care and commitment to a relationship. On the other hand, unhealthy jealousy manifests itself through lies, threats, self-pity, and feelings of inadequacy, inferiority and insecurity.
> 
> ...


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

The situation with my x-wife was just the opposite. She never questioned what i was doing when not with her, nor she never checked up on me, but it was in-person encounters that bothered her.

If she and I were out, and i ran into a female from work and exchanged a few courteous words, it was clear that it made her uncomfortable. She would get quiet and distant for a while. The more happy and jolly the woman acted, the worse it was. It made me really dread going out in public and seeing another woman that I knew.

Let me add that I never did anything or had any suspicious behaviors that made her be this way; I'm about as conservative as they come. On the other hand, I was never a jealous person.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

DoneWithHurting said:


> I don't believe that. We are all capable of cheating given the right mix of circumstance. It is our job as a spouse to protect the marriage from predators, your spouse's and your own human failings.


I don't buy this and would not choose to be in a marriage like that. I am a person of character and, thus, would not cheat because being a person of character is important to me. It doesn't hurt that I have no desire to cheat. Character and happiness.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> I don't buy this and would not choose to be in a marriage like that. I am a person of character and, thus, would not cheat because being a person of character is important to me. It doesn't hurt that I have no desire to cheat. Character and happiness.


:iagree:

Whether or not someone will cheat is dictated by that individual's character, not outside influences. 

Some people will never, EVER cheat because that is their personality. They have enough self-control and enough self-respect to decline if the opportunity arises, or make sure not to get in that position in the first place. They make it clear to the larger world that they are taken, and committed to their relationship. 

Some people will ALWAYS cheat, not matter how well their partner guards the relationship, because that is their personality. They're pretty much the opposite of the above.

I suppose there may be people who fall in between, who given the perfect storm of an unhappy relationship coupled with an attractive option who is pursuing them, might fall into cheating.

For me, I would be very offended by a partner who felt that he had to make demands on my behavior because of his jealousy, because that indicates that a) he doesn't trust me to be faithful, and b) he thinks he has the right to tell me what to do because of his own insecurities. That all sounds very controlling and unhealthy.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yeah like FF said...jealous or not...cheating can still happen.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

DoneWithHurting said:


> I don't believe that. We are all capable of cheating given the right mix of circumstance. It is our job as a spouse to protect the marriage from predators, your spouse's and your own human failings. Sure there are incompatible people, selfish people and just plain horrible toxic and broken people, but in a healthy relationship you have to watch each others backs or the ground upon which those relationships rest could crumble if heavy rain & winds should come.


I don't agree. Cheating is just not part of some people's personality. I can assure you it's not part of mine; however, if that has always been a person's philosophy either way, I'm sure it makes it easier.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I want to watch my spouses back, and know that she has mine. To me that is the exact opposite of worrying that she might stab me in the back.

Trust is good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DoneWithHurting said:


> I don't believe that. We are all capable of cheating given the right mix of circumstance. It is our job as a spouse to protect the marriage from predators, your spouse's and your own human failings. Sure there are incompatible people, selfish people and just plain horrible toxic and broken people, but in a healthy relationship you have to watch each others backs or the ground upon which those relationships rest could crumble if heavy rain & winds should come.
> 
> Am I proud telling my wife to unfriend an old boyfriend who hit on her? YES! Am I proud I went behind her bck to slap down a player aiming his sights on her? YES! Its my job. Can it be perceived as controlling? YES but i don't care. If she wants to go, she knows where the door is, but if it's on my radar and in my power, I will wield that power to save what's mine.
> 
> There's a reason humans feel jealousy. Its to protect whats ours and preserve the species.


I've felt jealousy before. It's a very uncomfortable feeling.

To me it's a different feeling than they kind of thing you are describing... protecting yourself and your marriage. A person an recognize the kind of things that you are talking about here without feeling jealousy.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Jealousy will consume you. My friend is really really Jealous and it really does get her down. Because she worries so much, she does not have time for anything else. Shes always asking me advice about her husband, She hates the fact that he will notice a pretty woman walking down the street. Her husband ( A friend of my husband) Would never cheat on her, but no matter what he does its not good enough.

My husband and I have both tried to help her, but to know avail its sad really.

I do not get jealous, but it does not mean i think any less of my hubby, I just know how much he loves me, and the same goes for me to, so he notices a good looking woman on occasion hes married to me, not any of them.

I agree with what the other posters have said, about cheaters, being Jealous will not change whats inside of them.... Anyone can cheat if they want to.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

melw74 said:


> Jealousy will consume you. *My friend is really really Jealous and it really does get her down. Because she worries so much, she does not have time for anything else. Shes always asking me advice about her husband, She hates the fact that he will notice a pretty woman walking down the street. Her husband ( A friend of my husband) Would never cheat on her, but no matter what he does its not good enough.
> 
> My husband and I have both tried to help her, but to know avail its sad really*.


 What has happened in her past?? Was she lied to and betrayed by a former Boyfriend ?? cheated on by anyone...was her Father a cheater & she watched her mother suffer ... so often one's ability to trust is slashed after such experiences..even if the next man / woman in their lives is NOT like those before...



> *I do not get jealous, but it does not mean i think any less of my hubby, I just know how much he loves me, and the same goes for me to, so he notices a good looking woman on occasion hes married to me, not any of them*.


 I think it goes deeper than "he's married to me"...There are many people married where another is looking over the fence... it's in how our spouses treat us.. I've never felt even a pang of jealousy towards my Husband because of his actions, love towards me.. .. the 1st time I did was 6 yrs ago.. 

-after being married nearly 20 yrs.... when we went to a Strip club (a little Mid Life WILDNESS - but we did it together!)...

I was sitting back from him with a GF...allowing him to enjoy himself.... watching this stripper talking to him....his face lit up.. he was very talkative back...(he is on the quieter side naturally)....then he comes over to me & asks me if he can get a "Lap Dance"... He wouldn't do it if I wasn't comfortable ... ... I was like "







... he wants to see another woman naked!"..... these feelings washed over me.... my heart was beating like ..."how could he do that - that's not like him"... I recognized this as *JEALOUSY *on my part.... but at the same time.. something else happened... It made me want to CLAIM HIM AS MY OWN...like later that night .... I kinda liked it!!...and I did just that! 

I recognized the situation for what it was.. why shouldn't he get one... that's what the night was about.. Not that other women will understand me here.. but hey.. he was 45 yrs old & never been to a place like that ..it was a higher class place & I liked it.. . I wanted him to have a good time!... I KNOW what I mean to him. 

However, if I was married to a man who was secretive, had an EA, flirted with many women on a regular basis....those things would have an "effect"....of course they would. 

I think *we* have a part to play in our spouses security - using the love languages as an example...with our touch, spending time with them, words of affirmation going forth- showing them they are our #1... 

This will go a long long way... *or should*...to help alleviate even those who have been deeply hurt in the past by another.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

There's all kinds of jealousy. As I say, jealousy comes in all forms. The worst kind is the green kind... "envy".


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I've redefined jealousy. When I am in an exclusive relationship, it is impossible for me to be jealous. I may get concerned about inappropriate behavior related to my husband. But I would not call it jealousy.

If I experienced heightened emotions because the hot guy in math class is flirting with my friend, that could be the emotion of jealousy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

intheory said:


> *I'm jealous of my husband's attention and affection.
> 
> I know we're supposed to be all advanced and act like we don't get jealous; but I'm sick of pretending stuff like that.
> 
> ...


I find what you say .. . Just *HONEST*...and downright *HUMAN*.. I agree it works JUST LIKE THAT.... I'd be the same.. 

Many yrs ago when trying to be a christian, I'd find folders on my H's computer of Playboy bunnies.. he would get up early in the am to look at them before work sometimes..... but here is the thing..... he wanted more sex but stupid me wasn't on to it or satisfying him enough.. (he could have tried more)... 

I cried over this one time feeling I am not enough... then I'd get pi$$ed & delete them all when he was at work...he never tried to hide them....he never got mad at me either ...it made him feel bad though..... we both were missing it in some ways..

But yeah.. it's all a human reaction.. if we didn't feel this way.. I'd think someone was made out of "stone".. I wouldn't want a partner like that either...

There is always a "balance" in these things..


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My husband has never shown jealousy in a controlling way or a way to cause me to look at him as insecure.. as in me lingering talking a little too long at a party type situation or something I shared or did...(I'm pretty open with it ALL.. play by play).. another reason he's never been too worried about me...
> 
> BUT....
> 
> And this is a BIG BUT... I've never given him reason to suspect or feel Jealous in a demeaning hurtful way -as if another was *more important* or *special *to me.. .


Makes sense. So, what do you make of someone, like my x wife, who was jealous regardless. I didn't look at porn, stare at other women, act flirty around women, and I didn't do things when she wasn't around that got back to her, but if I acted friendly in any way toward another woman, she would do her pout thing.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

southbound said:


> Makes sense. So, what do you make of someone, like my x wife, who was jealous regardless. I didn't look at porn, stare at other women, act flirty around women, and I didn't do things when she wasn't around that got back to her, but if I acted friendly in any way toward another woman, she would do her pout thing.


Just speculating but...if you didn't look at other women or ever act flirty ever, then when you WERE friendly toward some woman, the contrast may have made it seem like you were interested in the woman. Why else would you ignore all other women but be friendly to this one? Just a thought.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Faithful Wife said:


> Just speculating but...if you didn't look at other women or ever act flirty ever, then when you WERE friendly toward some woman, the contrast may have made it seem like you were interested in the woman. Why else would you ignore all other women but be friendly to this one? Just a thought.


I meant that in general terms. If we ran into a woman from my workplace and she just spoke and exchanged a few words with me with a happy face on and i did the same; I didn't mean there was one specific woman.

If I just spoke and acted like I had lost my best friend, I might get by, but if I acted the least bit normal around them or like I wasn't mad at the world and had on a smile, I got the pout treatment.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Then there's really no explaining it since it was something deep within her psyche.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> Makes sense. * So, what do you make of someone, like my x wife, who was jealous regardless. I didn't look at porn, stare at other women, act flirty around women, and I didn't do things when she wasn't around that got back to her, but if I acted friendly in any way toward another woman, she would do her pout thing*.


From all you've shared about yourself / your character... the ever so straight / conservative / could never fall into even an EA - even in the face of a sexless marriage...how does it make sense?? Did she not really KNOW you? or was it some underlying THING that none of us could understand...(had to be very frustrating!)

It's not like she had a history of being cheated on... or betrayed to struggle with trusting...that you've ever mentioned. 

A personality thing.. "over sensitivity" ....did she grow up with behaviors that stirred this sort of OVER REACTION in her..were her sisters/ Mother like this also ?? 

If she didn't feel she was getting enough attention, a little flirting, being treated special at home with you..(*???*)..... knowing you are a man who Keeps to himself near always... then sees you being friendly around a select few women...(if that was the case)....she obviously made more out of it (a mountain!) than was reasonable.... 

If you were careful to fill her* Love Languages *...well.. makes no *logical */ even *EMOTIONAL* sense to me....as I feel this alleviates this sort of thing..


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> From all you've shared about yourself / your character... the ever so straight / conservative / could never fall into even an EA - even in the face of a sexless marriage...how does it make sense?? Did she not really KNOW you? or was it some underlying THING that none of us could understand...(had to be very frustrating!)
> 
> It's not like she had a history of being cheated on... or betrayed to struggle with trusting...that you've ever mentioned.
> 
> ...


She knew me. that's what puzzled me even more. She new my character; she knew I wasn't going to run off with some other woman.

Her sister and mother were like this I'm told, but of course I never experienced it first hand. My daughter says she has witnessed things like this with the newbie too. She said they had a business transaction with a woman once, and when they got back in the car, she told him, "I think she was trying to flirt with you." My daughter said she didn't notice anything out of the ordinary.

I don't see how people live like that. If I were that jealous, I'd feel like my own behavior was driving me crazy.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

DoneWithHurting said:


> Many in the CWI section would have a field day with this question. Many would say they were never jealous nor had reason to be.


This is true--and hence the sense of betrayal. In CWI, people trusted their spouse and despite ups and downs in the relationship, never would have suspected the spouse would stray.

Of course, I'm sure there are lots of very jealous people who also get betrayed--and as someone else said, jealousy is a waste of emotion b/c it isn't going to change the fact that an unhappy spouse will cheat if s/he wants to.

"Protecting" what is "yours" by chasing away potential players is, IMO, a fairly ineffective way to safe guard a marriage. You cannot play defense all the time and win. Working to keep the marriage happy would be a better use of energy. 

I also would end any relationship where I felt jealousy. It's just not "me," and if I cannot trust someone, I'd rather move on. I cannot imagine living with distrust. It takes time to figure out if someone is trustworthy, but if they prove dependable, a major relationship hurdle would have been crossed. If that person then betrayed me, I would feel I'd made a mistake in judging their character, and in how I nurtured the relationship. But I'd never let myself become jealous--too exhausting, from what I can tell having been on these boards forever!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

DoneWithHurting said:


> There's all kinds of jealousy. As I say, jealousy comes in all forms. The worst kind is the green kind... "envy".


Envy and jealousy aren't the same thing.

Jealousy = I'm afraid something I have is going to be taken away from me.

Envy = Someone else has something I wish I had.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> She knew me. that's what puzzled me even more. She new my character; she knew I wasn't going to run off with some other woman.
> 
> *Her sister and mother were like this I'm told, but of course I never experienced it first hand. My daughter says she has witnessed things like this with the newbie too. She said they had a business transaction with a woman once, and when they got back in the car, she told him, "I think she was trying to flirt with you." My daughter said she didn't notice anything out of the ordinary.
> *
> I don't see how people live like that. If I were that jealous, I'd feel like my own behavior was driving me crazy.


Well you got confirmation RIGHT THERE - that's just how SHE IS.. ..so it wouldn't matter who she was with...I bet the new men is not enjoying all the accusations either...Sounds it's a trait in her family.. she grew up with it.. 

I mean, logically speaking, what does she expect, you to ignore every female who stops to say Hello....You've probably asked her this in the aftermath.. 

I'm sure male co-workers / old school friends have stopped to talk to her - in your presence... if * you* reacted LIKE THIS... she'd * not* appreciate it at all..& tell you - you are over reacting... 



> *sisters359 said*: "*Protecting" what is "yours" by chasing away potential players is, IMO, a fairly ineffective way to safe guard a marriage. You cannot play defense all the time and win. Working to keep the marriage happy would be a better use of energy.
> 
> I also would end any relationship where I felt jealousy. It's just not "me," and if I cannot trust someone, I'd rather move on. I cannot imagine living with distrust. It takes time to figure out if someone is trustworthy, but if they prove dependable, a major relationship hurdle would have been crossed. If that person then betrayed me, I would feel I'd made a mistake in judging their character.*..










Trust is the foundation ....









if this is faulty/ shaky, questionable...there is a revolving feeling of struggle, anxiousness, doubt... there is nothing to build upon.... it would be like sand... waiting for the waters to come & crash it down...


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> What has happened in her past?? Was she lied to and betrayed by a former Boyfriend ?? cheated on by anyone...was her Father a cheater & she watched her mother suffer ... so often one's ability to trust is slashed after such experiences..even if the next man / woman in their lives is NOT like those before...
> 
> I think it goes deeper than "he's married to me"...There are many people married where another is looking over the fence... it's in how our spouses treat us.. I've never felt even a pang of jealousy towards my Husband because of his actions, love towards me.. .. the 1st time I did was 6 yrs ago..
> 
> ...


Hi simplyAmorous Hope your Ok. Nothing has happened in her past she just does not like the thought of her man noticing someone else, but unfortunately unless he walks around with a blindfold i do not think its possible as i do believe the majority of the men do this, and some do not do it to be hurtful they just do it....?.. Its is natural... Looking, but not touching, I know it can be hurtful to some, but I would rather a quick look than acting upon their feelings. My friends parents are still together and no he never cheated.

Well, My husband is married to me, He chose to marry me, Only me, and he chose to be faithful, and he chose to be with just one woman (me Yay) for the rest of his life... Just like i chose to be just with him, before me married we spoke in depth and we both wanted to make sure it was both what we truly wanted.

Strip clubs Grrrr... I really do not like them, and i am pleased that my husband does not like them too, we both made it clear when we had out hen and stag night NO STRIPPERS.... my husband was not happy about the idea of one, for me, nor one for him... Our nights were probably what people would call boring just drinks with friends, but it was good for us.

I have no problem at all with porn never have, but things like strip dances or private dancers NO WAY, I would not like the thought of some other woman flaunting her bits all over him... Hes mine and mine alone.. If he wants a lap dance, I will be happy to give him one, or anything else that he wants... ( I know that sounds corny)... Hes mine, nobody touches him but me lol.

My husband is a very respectful person tho, he would never intentionally hurt me, Its not like he sees a woman and gawps, he notices, and looks away, I have been with him on occasion and i have noticed, but i just know him, I know he would never go any further than noticing someone pretty and looking and then looking away.... Hes never flirted with someone else, its not something he would do... Its not because he knows how i would feel about it, he would not do it because he loves me, and i am the only one for him.

We have been out tho in the past and some geezer has over stepped the mark with me, and hes made himself very clear to the person... what a bad idea it is that hes doing that.... Guy was drinking with us at a bar and he kept laughing and putting his arm round me... I noticed the look on my husbands face.. Not that i just stood there, I never i moved away, but on the third time that was it.... my husband just stood there raised voice and said " would you get your hands off my wife"... It went quiet and the guy was full of apologies.......

Takes a lot to piss of my husband, but he thought he was overstepping the boundaries.... I would not say he did it because he was jealous, he did it because I am his wife, and to him it was something he did not think was acceptable, he did not like it and he told him so... I respect that.

If i am doing something he does not want me doing or does not like he tells me, I respect that so i do not do it, If i am unhappy with something hes doing, I tell him, and he respects my wishes, but regarding taking a quick look at another woman, I just do not see this as a big deal, but if he was flirting, and doing something i deemed uncomfortable, I would tell him and he would respect my feelings... We talk about everything, and anything.. we never keep things that are bothering us inside. I think that things are better when you air your problems, if you keep them inside they consume, and make you miserable.

Sorry for my essay lol.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Jealousy is a horrible emotion because it conjures fear and insecurity in one self. It's such wasted energy and it can be destructive because the person who is feeling jealous feels lacking somehow to their partner. Why would you want your wife to feel like that? Feeling jealous that some other person might want you doesn't affirm her love for you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

melw74 said:


> *Strip clubs Grrrr... I really do not like them, and i am pleased that my husband does not like them too, we both made it clear when we had out hen and stag night NO STRIPPERS.... my husband was not happy about the idea of one, for me, nor one for him... Our nights were probably what people would call boring just drinks with friends, but it was good for us*.


 I do not expect ANYONE to understand this.. and that's OK.. we were both UP for it.. ... A little info.. during that time.. My sex drive was 3 times HIGHER over his.. (mid life surge)... I was worried about his TEST LEVELS even...I went to see the Chippendales shortly before that with friends..








so when a GF asked US to come with her one night.. she won a "Party"...over the radio.... free Pizza/ fries.... I thought "WHY NOT!- I had my fun.. now it's his turn...and I get to go too!!!









He was thinking it would be "skanky" (his words) but the place was higher class... Bouncers /no touching or you'd be thrown out. ...after that 1st night, I asked him how he felt.. if he wanted to go back... NOT to try to spare my feelings.. I could handle it...I am happy we can be that honest with each other, it means everything to me. 

I was Miss Good girl in our past.. he was Mr Good Guy.. we never did anything LIKE THIS... this was the craziest.. and in my view.. anything to get MORE SEX OUT OF HIM was helping me out!!!.. I was even a bit frustrated with him...(why I landed here)...

Again.. I don't expect any women here to understand me.. .so if that stripper turned him on.. and I got the goods afterwards.. I was in my glory!.. I said to him that night.. "If this is what that place does to you, we can go back every week !"... natural for a new novelty to be a HUGE turn on... not going to beat him up over it.. I was thrilled [email protected]#

but ya know.. the allure wore off after like 2 times going..(bummer!).... we knew it was a phase.... it ran it's course.. .we've always been a couple who did Everything together...this was no different...we talked about our feelings openly through that .. in regards to how I felt.. he wouldn't do anything to hurt me.. if we felt it was wrong.... I guess our feelings were "Naughty".. we were upping everything Erotic at home too...it just seemed to fit right in there.. 

Someday in our rocking chairs, we'll be laughing about it. ...like "can you believe we did that !$%^"...meanwhile I was dragging him to Rock concerts in the Mosh pit! 

We are generally laid back Homebodies.. I've never drank a beer in my life ...watching a lifetime movie all cuddled up is our excitement. 

I must admit some of the things we seen in that place... I won't go into all that.. . coming from where I do.. it was peering into another world.... a darker side of life...from the dancers/ their stories - to the men themselves.. many are broken... This did trouble me ... 



> *I have no problem at all with porn never have, but things like strip dances or private dancers NO WAY, I would not like the thought of some other woman flaunting her bits all over him... Hes mine and mine alone.. If he wants a lap dance, I will be happy to give him one, or anything else that he wants... ( I know that sounds corny)... Hes mine, nobody touches him but me lol.*


 You're normal.. I'm the weird one here.. I'm with you on the NO touching... When I want to see the Chippendales, my GF grabbed my hand and made me touch one of their chests, I wanted to crawl under a rock.. Not [email protected]# but boy were those women WILD there.. another of my friends went up on stage ! MY H laughed about my friend grabbing my hand like that.. he knows her well (same one that got us going to the Gentleman's club-what they called it)... we like some Erotic entertainment ...sure beats SPORTS -we'd both say this. 
I loved watching them dance (the strippers).. the lights, the music, the outfits.. the Bachelor parties were so funny!!..I've given him dances too. but yeah.. I can't do it like them....I guess I was just never worried He'd get a fascination with one of those women over me.. 



> *My husband is a very respectful person tho, he would never intentionally hurt me, Its not like he sees a woman and gawps, he notices, and looks away, I have been with him on occasion and i have noticed, but i just know him, I know he would never go any further than noticing someone pretty and looking and then looking away.... Hes never flirted with someone else, its not something he would do... Its not because he knows how i would feel about it, he would not do it because he loves me, and i am the only one for him.*


 As it should be.. time , tested , faithful and true.. it's something written on the







.. Even if this wouldn't make sense given all I said so far.....I've always felt all you spoke here too. 



> *If i am doing something he does not want me doing or does not like he tells me, I respect that so i do not do it, If i am unhappy with something hes doing, I tell him, and he respects my wishes, but regarding taking a quick look at another woman, I just do not see this as a big deal, but if he was flirting, and doing something i deemed uncomfortable, I would tell him and he would respect my feelings... We talk about everything, and anything.. we never keep things that are bothering us inside. I think that things are better when you air your problems, if you keep them inside they consume, and make you miserable*.


 I've read many of your posts.. I always resonate with them... we are much alike -outside of that little wild spell we had.. which I am sure many look at cross eyed if/when I have shared it.. 

We told one of our guy friends we were going there.. he got MAD at us...especially me.. for being Open to it.. asking me what is wrong with me.. and quit talking to us for like 4 months!.. but then he came around... got over it.. and listened to our experience... .then he wanted to go too !


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> :iagree:
> 
> *Whether or not someone will cheat is dictated by that individual's character, not outside influences. *
> Some people will never, EVER cheat because that is their personality. They have enough self-control and enough self-respect to decline if the opportunity arises, or make sure not to get in that position in the first place. They make it clear to the larger world that they are taken, and committed to their relationship.
> ...


:iagree:

(bold)
studies might say that outside influences are a factor. nonetheless I think one's spouse needs to know that whether or not they are 100% reponsible for their fidelity is not so much the issue. what they need to understand is that you will *hold* them 100% responsible.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> :iagree:
> 
> (bold)
> studies might say that outside influences are a factor. nonetheless I think one's spouse needs to know that whether or not they are 100% reponsible for their fidelity is not so much the issue. what they need to understand is that you will *hold* them 100% responsible.


I would say that outside influences are a factor only if the individual's character is corruptible initially. Ultimately, it still comes down to character.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Very interesting post!

In my marriage, I am the one who does the mate-guarding (and not a whole lot of it, really. Normal amounts, I guess?). While my wife generally doesn't at all. And TBH, it's always bothered me that she doesn't. I've never said that to her, nor would I. We just come from different pov's, I suppose.

But what's interesting to me is that we've both been cheated on in the past, by people we loved and trusted.

In her case, a long-ago ex boyfriend (first man she lived with) cheated repeatedly. He was always going out with friends, and she didn't mind (or at least didn't tell him so). Basically, she let him be him, with no "rules", etc. because that's not in her nature. She trusted him, and he broke that trust. But, the thing that gets me, is that she didn't change her MO because of that. She allows me the freedom to do what I want without playing 20 questions, and I kind of wish she did.

In my case, I was that way with my ex wife, and she took advantage (like my wife's ex took advantage of her). I "learned", and now I mate-guard. Obviously my wife is free to do what she wants with who she wants (within reason, but never been an issue).

She has crossed boundaries, imo, and I've told her so, and we've got through it. Never anything to do with trust on my part - I trust HER - just that her boundary lines are farther away from mine. We've moved more towards the middle, though, which is good.

The thing that I've found I'm VERY prone to in relationships is that I'm very easily made to feel like I'm the bad guy, or that I'm the one with the problem, and I'm getting better at that. With my current wife, she viewed my VERY normal mate-guarding behaviour initially as jealous and controlling. And this is what I felt until I stopped myself and realized I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary.

I mean, I even had a thread here about this last year, in which several posters thought I was jealous and controlling, while many did not. And it took me a while to get over a few of those posters responses as they created a lot of self-doubt for me. Long story short, my wife went away with 2 girlfriends on a weekend shopping trip (which I have no problem with!). She didn't check in at all, even just to say she arrived (was a long drive and they were staying in a cheap motel). Before she left, I only asked two things of her - let me know you arrived safely, and let me know if you're running late on the day you return, as we had plans for that evening (that SHE made). She did neither. And was very late returning, and plans had to be cancelled.

Several posters here made me feel like I was a jealous and controlling husband for even asking her to check in with me. And both of her friends made me feel the same. However, huge irony, she did not. We had a discussion about it, and she realized she based her actions (or non-actions) on those of the two friends she was with. THEY didn't check in with their spouses, so she didn't either. They made it clear amongst themselves that this was a weekend away from the husbands and kids and just for them, and my wife followed suit. She realized, on her own, that her decision to not contact me was based on what her friends were doing, and not her own views on the subject. We had a (then) 8 year old at home who asked mom to call that night so he could say goodnight to her, to which I followed up with "and I'd like to make sure you arrived safely, too, please", to which she agreed. So when she did not call, that left two of us slightly worried, and me having to reassure the 8 year old that all was okay.

Yet here, on TAM, as well as by her two friends, I was made out to be some sort of green monster in all of this. I even had one or two posters here strongly suggest that my wife might be up to no good. Sheesh.

Jealousy is not a good quality to have, but it's not a bad one, either. There are healthy amounts, and there are unhealthy amounts. AND, there are healthy responses to it and unhealthy responses to it. There are some people who take great offense to even the slightest hint of mate-guarding or jealousy on the part of their spouse, which is just as bad as being overly jealous, imo.

My wife and I have struck a healthy balance, I think. I don't (nor have I ever) needed to know her exact schedule day in and day out. But she's also recognized that it's not a slap in her face or a breach of her trust for her to check in, either. And it's very scenario-dependant. That weekend last year - she effed up, and she knows it. That wasn't me wanting or needing to know her exact schedule, there was a reason for it. Yet her friends made her feel otherwise. She's still pissed off at one of them about the whole situation - not that she "made" her feel that way, but how she handled it and what she said to me afterwards. This woman actually brought it up in front of my wife and I and her husband (and all of our kids) that "they don't feel the need to contact each other while one is away", while looking directly at me. My wife does not have a cell phone, and her two friends did, which was how she was supposed to call in the evening she arrived. So she would have had to borrow one of their cell phones to call us, which she was uncomfortable doing, as the other two had made it clear they were not expected, or going to, see or talk to their husbands until they were home. So she didn't. She chose her friends feelings over mine and our 8 year olds, to which she feels guilty about to this day.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Alex, it sounds to me like your wife decided that she wasn't going to let her ex's sh*tty behavior change who she was. 

I am, at my core, a very un-jealous person. For me, if I start to feel jealousy, it makes me very uncomfortable, and it's a sign to me that something is very wrong. So I'm not going to cultivate that emotion in myself in response to a previous bad situation, because 1) I don't LIKE feeling that way, because it's not ME, and 2) that feeling of jealousy serves a purpose, as a sort of alarm, and I'd rather not mess with a warning system that seems to work quite well.

So, maybe your wife is like me in that regard. Maybe not. Just a thought.

I remember reading your other thread, about the shopping trip, but I never commented on it. FWIW, I don't think you were being controlling or whatever. In fact, from this story, I think you NEED to engage in a little mate-guarding, if only because she is a little clueless. I mean, if she's not checking in with you based on her friends' behavior, she's using their relationship "rules" and applying it to her own, which makes no sense whatever. It's like that whole, "If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?" scenario. I get the sense that she has difficulty deciding for herself what's appropriate or not, and tends to rely on cues from others on that front. Which also means that she's probably not good at establishing boundaries, or maintaining them... put all this together, and she might inadvertently find herself in a compromising position of some sort, all the while never intending to, and not knowing how she got there. So I think, in your case, mate-guarding is probably a good idea.

I don't really see mate-guarding as jealousy, though... I see it more of a "we've got each other's back" sort of thing, I guess. Though if a partner really strongly mate-guarded me, I would start to chafe under that, I think. I would feel like he didn't trust me. Of course, I'm the type of woman with really strong personal boundaries. If I'm in a relationship, no other man will stand a chance of getting close enough to me to try anything, and I'm going to be checking in with my partner, and I expect the same. Even when I was in Italy for two+ weeks without my (now ex) husband, I made a point to call him to check in every day. (He almost never picked up when I called, even though he knew when I was going to call... there's a reason we're no longer together.) When you're in a relationship, you have a certain level of responsibility to that person. When you're married, and you have kids, you have an even higher level of responsibility. That doesn't mean that you can't have a weekend with the girls, or whatever, but it's not the end of the world to check in once or twice. If it was me, I'd be looking forward to that check in, no matter how much fun I was having. I was having an AMAZING time in Italy, but I wanted to check in with my partner, to tell him about it, to see how he was doing, and all that; the check in didn't take away from my experience. (The fact that he had no interest in talking to me when I called is what put a damper on things.)


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

I think the most valuable type of 'confidence' a person can have is not confidence or trust in one's spouse...
but to know that, if betrayal or other trauma occurrs, you will be OK single again. Life will still work out just fine for you - of course often including another chance to try marriage again, with someone else.


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