# My stepson ran away. Help!



## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

My stepson came to live with us, after being incarcerated. He has a serious addiction problem. He also skipped school a lot and his bio parents dont do anything for him. Hence the 3 ears in juvenile detention.

My husband felt sorry for him, because no one seemed to be able to help and he convinced me that given the right condition, he would do much better. 

We went to visit him in JD and he seemed sincere to wanting to change his was. We also told him, this was a one time deal. If he messed up, there was no turning back. Fast forwarding some months, we picked him up, last week.

Things seemed to go very well. There was no animosity, no arguments. We seemed like the perfect family! Well, so I thought. Yesterday he skipped 2 classes and did not return home. We are all stunned!! And we cant stop asking ourselves what happened.

What can we do? Beside warning the J services, which we already did, I am clueless... I guess I am still in shock.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What he needs is tough love. If you ever find him, that is. If you find him (he's probably at some drug house, getting high), let him know that he will be returning to his other parent's house, as you and he agreed that one mess up and he was gone. Tell him that if he can give you a good enough reason and a good enough way to make up for what he did, you will consider letting him come back. But the rules will be revised upward and strictly enforced, for his own good.


----------



## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

turnera said:


> What he needs is tough love. If you ever find him, that is. If you find him (he's probably at some drug house, getting high), let him know that he will be returning to his other parent's house, as you and he agreed that one mess up and he was gone. Tell him that if he can give you a good enough reason and a good enough way to make up for what he did, you will consider letting him come back. But the rules will be revised upward and strictly enforced, for his own good.


He's going back to JD. He violated his parole. His bio parents are either homeless or in a precarious situation. That was one of the reasons he was locked up, he had no one to take care of him, most of the time. BUT, when his parents stepped up to the occasion, he run away as well. He has done this so many times... It is unreal!
I dont understand!!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Like I said, he needs tough love. He's one of the kids who would probably benefit from a boot camp, because he has no direction. Show consistent care for him in whatever way you can, but expect the world from him.


----------



## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

turnera said:


> Like I said, he needs tough love. He's one of the kids who would probably benefit from a boot camp, because he has no direction. Show consistent care for him in whatever way you can, but expect the world from him.


Honestly, I am ready to wash my hands. He knew that this was his last opportunity. Everyone tried so hard to make this easy on him. And this is what he chose!? Now, I am just mad!


----------



## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Memento said:


> He's going back to JD. He violated his parole. His bio parents are either homeless or in a precarious situation. *That was one of the reasons he was locked up, he had no one to take care of him, most of the time.* BUT, when his parents stepped up to the occasion, he run away as well. He has done this so many times... It is unreal!
> I dont understand!!


So part of this may be his feeling of abandonment, not being able to rely on his parents. Running away could be a defense mechanism when he starts feeling too dependent on someone. I don't know that tough love is the answer cause he hasn't had anyone prove to him that they love him enough to be responsible for him for any length of time.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When I say tough love, what I mean is setting goals and consequences. Like I said, show consistent care, but also expect him to meet high goals. If you are ever in a position again to do this.


----------



## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

turnera said:


> When I say tough love, what I mean is setting goals and consequences. Like I said, show consistent care, but also expect him to meet high goals. If you are ever in a position again to do this.


My husband and I did! We made it very clear, that we were giving him an opportunity to live with his bro, have a normal family live, in a excellent place, with good schools. If he screwed up, there would be no more opportunities.

We spent so much time and money investing on this. In making him feel welcomed and part of our life. We didnt argued at all, there was no pressure, no stress, nothing. We did our best for him to succeed. I just dont understand why this happened!

I also feel like I have failed the rest of our family by allowing him to comeback. I told them he changed. I gave them expectations... It's hard to make them go through this road once more.

All this makes me angry! Our best, was not enough...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Some people just have to take the hard road. I guess grieve it all and move on?


----------



## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

turnera said:


> Some people just have to take the hard road. I guess grieve it all and move on?


I do feel angry but, at the same time, I feel compassion as well. However, I need to protect my family from this. Enough is enough!


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How old is he?


----------



## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> How old is he?


17


----------



## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

turnera said:


> Some people just have to take the hard road. I guess grieve it all and move on?


You cant save someone who doesnt want to be saved, no matter how much you try. I am a very stubborn person, by nature, and I always think that this is what makes me persevere. But in this case, I have been defeated. I feel I have failed.


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Memento said:


> 17


I wouldn't worry too much. I've been on my own since I was 15. Sure, I did some stupid stuff along the way, but I turned out okay. Some kids just think they know it all and need to learn the hard way and I was one of them. I don't regret any of it. I learned a LOT from my experiences. 

You gave it your best shot. He's 17 years old. He's on his own now.


----------



## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

T&T said:


> I wouldn't worry too much. I've been on my own since I was 15. Sure, I did some stupid stuff along the way, but I turned out okay. Some kids just think they know it all and need to learn the hard way and I was one of them. I don't regret any of it. I learned a LOT from my experiences.
> 
> You gave it your best shot. He's 17 years old. He's on his own now.


The world is a very tough place to be in, especially when you are alone.


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Memento said:


> The world is a very tough place to be in, especially when you are alone.


Yes it is. If he really gets stuck, you'll hear from him. I did it on my own and never turned back. My parents were fantastic, but I had this driving urge to leave the nest and experience "life" I had a wild streak and I don't think it can be tamed at that age.


----------



## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Decorum said:


> memento,
> You have done nothing wrong, and you have not failed.
> His time with you however short may be the only example of a functioning home he will have to this point.
> 
> ...


Right now, I dont want to have any contact with him. I think he needs to know that his actions have consequences.

My husband already talked to his bio parents because he wishes to relinquish his custody.

This young man as already hit rock bottom, in the past. How many times more does he need to go through this!? I dont understand.

Yesterday, my stepson got 4 letter, from his friends that are in juvie. All those boys were counting on him to do good. My husband and I are thinking about sending them a letter saying what happen. My stepson did not learn his lesson, but perhaps these boys will.

I often think how many children would like to have just one opportunity and have none. And this one has had so many and wasted them all. This angers me. 

Deep inside, I knew this was going to happen. I just chose not to see it.


----------



## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

I have some update. My husband and I went through the mail he got, since my husband has his custody and he is a minor. My stepson had a homosexual relationship, while he was in juvie. It is also very clear that drugs never left his mind,nor he had plans to settle down.

Juvie doesnt rehabilitate anyone. Quite the contrary.

I have to turn my back on this to save my family. I need to concentrate on them and cut the ties with this young man.

I wish any of this had ever happened!


----------

