# Sexually shy at 40



## jumble (Oct 9, 2011)

I want to help my wife explore her sexuality and need some advice.

During our 15yr relationship her sexual needs are regular but basically only involves intercourse with little or no foreplay and her orgasm is way less important to her than satisfying me. I've explained that I want to help her achieve more(and better) orgasms for her benefit just as much as mine.

Possibly because she has never masturbated she also feels mentally uncomfortable with me manually stimulating her and without this I rarely can help her orgasm. She also feels her juices are a bit yucky(just another bodily fluid) which also holds her back. After finally bringing up the subject she is willing for us to try and work on this.

She assures me there is nothing in her past that is affecting this and I truly believe it is lack of sexual education/experience that is the cause of her mindset and potentially reducing her ability to really let go.

She has agreed to try and relax more and allow me to touch her more often, and I have agreed not to push her if she becomes too uncomfortable. And we have started the first steps over the past week or two.

I've read lots of posts here from women who have managed to explore and develop their sexuality for the first time in their 40s and even older when they have always been the "shy/good girl".

How can I encourage a sexually shy 40 year old woman to learn about this subject when she feels all she has now is enough because she has never experienced anything more?


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Let her know everybody is doing it


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## jumble (Oct 9, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> Let her know everybody is doing it


Initially I thought this was a flippant response possibly with some humor intended and not worth giving any recognition to.

Then I realised that this is exactly what I want my beautiful wife to understand, but just telling her so won't change a well ingrained mindset. Hopefully some of the enlightened females with similar backgrounds or experience here can suggest little steps that may have helped them.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

jumble said:


> Initially I thought this was a flippant response possibly with some humor intended and not worth giving any recognition to.
> 
> Then I realised that this is exactly what I want my beautiful wife to understand, but just telling her so won't change a well ingrained mindset. Hopefully some of the enlightened females with similar backgrounds or experience here can suggest little steps that may have helped them.


Sounds like a job for...

SimplyAmorous

Seriously, search out some of SA's threads on her "awakening" - you might find something there.:smthumbup:


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## jumble (Oct 9, 2011)

Thanks Sawney, it has been a lot of reading SA's posts and many other posts and articles(here and elsewhere) that have helped ME understand and accept that it is up to my wife to WANT to participate in the process.

Thankfully after an initially uncomfortable start to the discussion for both of us (we've both been brought up that you don't talk about sex), my wife unexpectedly agreed that we can try some extra touching. We both realise that change may take some time, weeks, months, maybe even years.

SimplyAmorous was some inspiration as I can parallel some of her thoughts to my wife, and to "SA" I offer my thanks for giving me the courage to finally approach the topic with my wife.

Obviously there are many women who have been in similar situations and all for different reasons. I'd love to know what helped their change so I can find a way to relate that to my wife.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

jumble ~

Every woman's journey to finding their sexuality is going to be different. Some of them, like SA, have a big hormonal push in their 30's or 40's that made that desire come to the forefront and they were able to see things in a different light and open up and explore at that point.

Many women never get a hormonal 'bounce'. I never ever have and am 47 now. But, what has really helped me, is my husband. It has been him being able to show me that being sexual in marriage is not a bad thing, but a good thing. It is also him accepting me and working with me - being persuasive, being encouraging, being persistent - that helped the shell start to crack.

Too often women are conditioned, even in this hyper-sexualized world, that they still need to keep themselves somehow 'pure' and that sex and being looked at as a sexual being (especially if that is the only way someone is looking at you) is bad. That conditioning doesn't just switch off when they get married. And it can be very difficult for many women to deal with that dichotomy.

If your wife is willing, you are really ahead in the game, because that is the biggest factor right there. Slow, steady progress forward - having a respectful, trusting environment - working on building up your relationship outside of the bedroom -- all of these will help. And, YOU being willing to help steer this area of your lives will also help immensely when you have a sexually shy wife.

Here's some good books she (and you) may want to look in to:

Amazon.com: Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (9780393334272): David Schnarch: Books

Amazon.com: Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship (9780825305672): David Schnarch: Books

Amazon.com: Sexually Shy: The Inhibited Woman's Guide To Good Sex (9780984057467): Bukod Books: Books

Amazon.com: Getting the Sex You Want: Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together (9781592333011): Tammy Nelson: Books

You keep encouraging her, praising her, loving her. You stay positive, enthusiastic, and patiently persistent (not pushy). Show her that she IS the woman you desire - not just sexually, but in all ways - above all others.

If you properly tend your garden, the flowers in them are sure to thrive and bloom. 

Best wishes.


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## jumble (Oct 9, 2011)

Thanks Enchantment for the advice. I feel like I am now being the type of supportive husband you describe. Until not so long ago I wasn't fully and purposefully worked at the few little things that I knew I was neglecting, something I had to do to finally start the discussion with my wife, and yes it is definitely paying off. Not much sexually yet but generally in the ways we interact daily she appears much more buoyant than she has for a long time.

The fact that she was willing to talk about the subject is a massive step forward and I am hopeful of more improvements in our relationship.

Way before we had our discussion I bought "Sexually Shy" intending to give it to my wife but never did. There are some things that may make her very uncomfortable being so shy and no doubt in most other books I considered too. Perhaps now we are on a slightly more open level I should ask her if its ok for me to get her a book and explain that she won't necessarily relate to everything in it.


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## jumble (Oct 9, 2011)

Early this morning before the kids woke up, we cuddled and kissed and were BOTH in the mood and after our recent discussion my BW allowed me to stroke her thighs and then her crotch for a short time before we had sex.

Although she allowed me to stroke her inner thighs etc for a bit, and moving onto a bit of clitoral stimulation for a minute or two she says "it's not comfortable" and just wants to get into intercourse.

Over our many years together I have asked her what that means and her constant response is "I dunno its just not comfortable". She has also said "its wasting time when we can be doing other stuff" (meaning intercourse) even though she doesn't mind orally or manually stimulating ME!

I understand and accept there may be many physical or emotional reasons why she doesn't feel "comfortable" and I am more than willing to listen, talk, discuss this with her, but the constant answer is "I dunno its just not comfortable".

Meanwhile she is sexually fulfilled by making me happy because she doesn't know anything different and I'm frustrated because I know the pleasure she is capable of but she is unwilling to discuss or explore.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Jumble:

When your wife says she is not comfortable with clitoral stimulation, make sure she is wet by using scented oil or your wet finger. Dry rubbing is irritating on a clitoris. Some women do not like direct clitoral stimulation initially, so try rubbing around the clit at first. Watch her reactions to see what she likes. Tell her it may feel strange at first, but ask her to be patient and see if she can start to enjoy it. Also, ask her if she has any fantasies. She has to receive the sexual pleasure for your efforts to work.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

jumble said:


> I understand and accept there may be many physical or emotional reasons why she doesn't feel "comfortable" and I am more than willing to listen, talk, discuss this with her, but the constant answer is "I dunno its just not comfortable".


Then simply believe her. If she cannot 'let go' for whatever reason, then manipulating her clitoris likely doesn't feel physically comfortable. So, go with baby steps. Don't concentrate and focus on clitoral stimulation, simply move on to other territory and periodically circle back. Consider expanding your perspective on what can be done to generate pleasure in other ways. How you can touch - soft/firm, where you can touch her - all over her body, things you can touch her with - hands, mouth, feathers, ice cubes, velvet. Sometimes by 'ignoring' that very spot and working all other areas around it, but never quite touching it, you may be able to generate additional 'heat' for her.

Amazon.com: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (9780060538262): Ian Kerner: Books

Mostly, don't overly concentrate on it. That puts pressure on her to 'perform' and can make it so much worse. Patience and persistence, jumble. Patience and persistence. She seems to be willing to learn that she's gotta learn how to take those baby steps before she can walk and then run. So help her take those baby steps first. 



jumble said:


> Meanwhile she is sexually fulfilled by making me happy because she doesn't know anything different and I'm frustrated because I know the pleasure she is capable of but she is unwilling to discuss or explore.


Have you two ever explored the 5 love languages together? Or read 'His Needs, Her Needs'? Perhaps she doesn't understand what sexual intimacy really means to you, and most especially she may not know what her body may be capable of (I say 'may' because I am not convinced that everyone has the same capacity for undo sexual pleasure, just like I am not convinced that everyone can be an Olympic athlete. I think some people are naturally more sensualists and while some of it is a learned response, there's also some of it that's just 'natural' or inherent to a person - kind of like dancing - everyone can presumably learn, but our individual body's capabilities may differ considerably.)

I am just a wee bit concerned about the frustration you express - claiming to know the pleasure she is capable of but unwilling to explore. The reason I am concerned is that when you truly care, love, respect your spouse, you learn of ways to work with them and their foibles to help them along, and you become accepting of them. Once there's that accepting environment, often the other spouse starts to open up more. Make sure you are not projecting your frustrations on to her. Make sure that in your own mind and heart you are not looking at her as if she is somehow defective because she is not able to achieve what YOU want her to. Make sure that in your own mind and heart you are truly wanting this for HER and not more selfishly just for you.

Best wishes.


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## DesperateHouseWife (Oct 24, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Jumble:
> 
> When your wife says she is not comfortable with clitoral stimulation, make sure she is wet by using scented oil or your wet finger.*I was just gonna say that:smthumbup:* Dry rubbing is irritating on a clitoris. Some women do not like direct clitoral stimulation initially, so try rubbing around the clit at first. Watch her reactions to see what she likes. Tell her it may feel strange at first, but ask her to be patient and see if she can start to enjoy it. Also, ask her if she has any fantasies. She has to receive the sexual pleasure for your efforts to work.


*Now with all this sexual talk yummy is putting me in the mood. Stop that lovesherman:rofl: I'm trying to read over here.*

P.S. try ky jelly intense


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Lol DHW! I don't understand these wives who are missing out on one of life's greatest joys--a man who desires you. They have not figured out how to get aroused, and they don't realize that men connect to their wives emotionally through sex.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

I don't know your wife, so maybe I'm way off base, but I think I might be able to give you some insight into what she's thinking. My H and I have been married for 20+ years, and our sex life has been good to great the vast majority of that time. We're pretty adventurous, willing to experiment, that kind of thing. I just recently found out though that his one greatest unrealized desire at this point was to bring me to O by combo oral/manual stimulation. The one thing I've never allowed. Just like your wife, I had a terrible time putting into words why I didn't like it, because I knew it wouldn't make any sense to him. Like your wife I just can't "let go", it's uncomfortable for me to have all the attention on me with him watching to see my reaction. Any position is fine with me. in that case we're both enjoying it and I can relax, but I can't relax when all of the focus is on me. I get too in my head and worry about everything from the obvious hygene worries to how I'll react and just every other crazy thing. I hate to be the focus. If your wife is not at the point where she will even admit that she likes sex for her own pleasure and enjoyment then she certainly isn't going to be comfortable with the focus being completely on her.
I don't really know what advice to give you since it sounds like your wife is a little more shy than I am. It helps me if the room isn't perfectly quiet, so maybe put on some music. If she is always more concerned that you're satisfied than if she is then make it obvious that it's turning you on and maybe that will help her relax. Just go slow. The one sure way for me to shut down completely is if I feel like H is disappointed in me.
My plan is much simpler. Because it's something we both want very much I'm going to get really drunk, which is the only time I totally & completely relax, and we're just going to go for it.


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## jumble (Oct 9, 2011)

As far as being "uncomfortable" I don't know whether its how or where I touch her as she never elaborates on "uncomfortable". I don't go straight for the C spot, I spend time all over her body and then around there before touching her clit. I suggested oil once before and she didn't want that. She does become very wet from me touching though so I'm assuming "physically" she is enjoying it but not "mentally".

I don't put pressure on her to enjoy the sensations and I stop when she asks and we move onto other things. I definitely have no problem with that and don't really get frustrated by it like I used to. I never got angry-frustrated but more disappointed-frustrated. I've also come to accept that perhaps she may never enjoy more than basic sex as we currently enjoy it and because I love her so much I can live with that. I certainly don't feel she is defective. There doesn't seem to be any physical reason for her not to enjoy the more focussed extra touch and I honestly want this for her as much as for me.

In my own mind I'm convinced there is something mentally blocking her, whether it is a strict upbringing, a bad experience, being the centre of attention(thanks AllIn that never occurred to me) or one of the many other reasons that are often discussed. If she flat out just hates it and doesn't want it then I'm fine leaving it there. But without the slightest insight into WHY it feels "uncomfortable" I'm at a loss how to respond or help her with any issue there may be.


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## jumble (Oct 9, 2011)

During our most recent intimate moment, my wife again allowed me to touch her a little before intercourse and this time I purposely avoided her clitoris focusing more on her upper thighs and around but not including her lips. Apart from a couple of unintended touches.

A couple of minutes were fine, she appeared reasonably relaxed but then I noticed she was tapping her fingers on my back, the way people tap their fingers on a desk if they are nervous/anxious/impatient. I gently asked if she was ok and enjoying my touch and she really didn't want to answer and judging by the finger tapping was becoming more anxious. This obviously was a sign she wanted to stop the touching and move to intercourse where she IS comfortable, which we did and everything from there was great.

When I asked her about me touching her, she said "it doesn't have to be all about me(meaning her)" and could sense her discomfort talking further so we changed the subject. The fact though its never all about her, its usually all about me!

Anyway I think I am handling the situation in a positive way without making her feel bad in any way. I stop when she asks or indicates. I change the discussion if she starts becoming uncomfortable. And I continue with all the positive things outside the bedroom that have got us this far.

Two questions though...

If there is some underlying issue that is making her anxious and she either doesn't realise it or refuses to mention, how can it be resolved?

If she continues to let me touch her (I'm not sure if its just for my benefit or if she IS trying to relax) and she is getting anxious, is it likely this anxiety will reduce over time or more likely to remain until any underlying issue is discussed?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi jumble ~

Is she generally an anxious or impatient person in other areas of her life?

Does she ever do foreplay on you or touch/caress you? Or is it mostly always you touching her?

Is she generally a reserved person who doesn't like attention focused solely on her?

If so, are there other things you could do to create a different, more comfortable ambiance for her? Do you have the lights on? Could you dim them or have candlelight? Can you move her hands to touch you or ask her to give you a massage so that some of the focus is deflected away from her?

Best wishes.


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## jumble (Oct 9, 2011)

She does get a little bit nervous socially sometimes and often I can see she is putting on a brave face and pulls it off amazingly. Everyone I know loves her company, but she plays it down like its no big deal. I suppose she probably gets a little embarrassed by compliments from friends and even from me. From all that, yes I would say she's not so confident being the centre of attention. And the suggestion of her massaging me to take the focus of her is great. Lighting is rarely bright, often dim and sometimes complete darkness. Touching her under the blankets or even with underwear on makes no difference to how she feels.

She regularly performs foreplay on me, including orally sometimes(but never to ejaculation ) and during her period she seems happy to play with me and squeezes her belly against me when I come. As you can tell she is comfortable sexually with me and my juices, but is only comfortable with her own during intercourse. As far as taking the focus off her, even when she performs oral on me she still doesn't let me touch. I'm not sure if you can take her mind much further from her own body than that.


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## marriedman2 (Oct 3, 2011)

This sounds just like my wife,I don,t think her problem is shyness though.she wont let me touch her area at all,she says she is afraid I wont do it right.She also does nothing to me.She refers to sexual juices as icky.Please help


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## jumble (Oct 9, 2011)

Well we just had another candid chat. This is a great step for us as neither of us was comfortable talking about sex over our 15yrs together until recently, and it is becoming a lot easier even though we don't always get the answers we hope for, and she still has the look of adoration as we hug warmly afterwards and I love her so much for that.

Our conversation was mostly about "uncomfortable" when I touch her and she assured me it wasn't anything in her past or upbringing etc. and its not a physical painful uncomfortable.

It seems that it just does nothing for her. She says even numb and just prefers other stuff(intercourse). Even though she loves doing the same to me, she doesn't feel any urge to have it done in return. Seriously I don't get it and I told her so and we both laughed about that. She simply has no interest and feels nothing special from me manually stimulating her, and just doesn't need it. (Before anyone asks its not about my technique either)

She is still more than happy though to allow me to touch until she wants me to stop, perhaps because she wants me to enjoy myself, and she said maybe in time she may become less uncomfortable and is willing to keep trying to relax and enjoy.

I guess I'll continue being patient and allow her to enjoy our relationship in her way and appreciate the fact she is willing to try anyway, just because it makes her happy satisfying me. Unless someone can suggest something that may work faster LOL. I did suggest finding some relevant books and she just pulled a face like I was talking about animal porn or something. so books are off the agenda. Thanks for all the advice so far and I'll keep working on my patience and appreciating my beautiful wife for how she is.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Your dilemma is so common - sexual maturity of each partner within a marital relationship can be very dynamic and each spouse's level of sexual maturity can be so different. One of the books that I suggested to you previously called "Intimacy and Desire" by Schnarch describes this.

I found a series of articles on this topic by Schnarch in _Psychology Today _that you might like to read. It may help you understand what your wife is going through a little bit more and give you something to contemplate when trying to move forward:

Sexual Relationships Always Consist of 'Leftovers' | Psychology Today

People Have Sex Within The Limits of Their Development | Psychology Today

Sex and Self-Development Between The Sheets | Psychology Today

Wishing you continued success.


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## jumble (Oct 9, 2011)

Thanks again Enchantment, your posts continue to be helpful and supportive and are constantly appreciated


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Here's the fourth blog in that series from my previous post.

Decoding The Logic of Sexual Relationships | Psychology Today


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

What was her childhood like religious wise? Did she have devout parents, go to church, go to a religious school?

I say this because I had issues with the Catholic religion and the idea that masturbation or manual stimulation was seen as dirty as a teen and young adult. Not that I didn't partake but more the guilt afterwards because of the Catholic upbringing.

Is it possible it stems from this type of uncomfortableness.

On another note, she may just be a giver kind of personality where her pleasure comes from giving to you rather than receiving. It's hard to find a balanced giver\receiver position in any person or ourselves.

I'm more a receiver but I've learned to balance it out with the giver part of my personality over the years. I've also learned to let go of both the Catholic upbringing and the guilt that I experienced during physical pleasure.

NOTE: I am not saying all Catholics or Christians teach what I was commenting on about masturbation and it being dirty. I'm also not saying that an atheist doesn't not teach that either. It's also a societal view without the variable of religion.


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## jumble (Oct 9, 2011)

No doubt being brought up in a Catholic family has contributed to her mindset, but SHE happily manually and orally stimulates ME and does not object to MY sexual juices on or in HER body. This seriously confuses me as reversing the roles is either uncomfortable or yuck in her mind. I dunno maybe the religious upbringing combined with a dominant father/submissive mother maybe subconsciously she feels HER satisfaction is secondary, possibly causing her to be a giver way more than receiver in most areas of her life, not just sexually.

The good news is that she is trying to relax when I touch her and allows it for a bit longer than she ever used to. We've only been working on this for a few weeks since we first discussed it, so the small improvement is definitely positive.

Obviously, being a typical male I would love to be able to just flick a switch and turn her into a wild nympho willing to try anything  but I know that won't happen. One of the biggest hurdles that slows her change is her reluctance to read/listen/watch things about sex including even relatively innocent stuff like this forum she wouldn't be comfortable with. That pretty much leaves everything up to me and how I discuss this with her as to how much and how quickly she changes. That means I have to research as much as possible and work out what snippets of information are appropriate to OUR sexuality as separate individuals AND as a couple and then deciding the best way to present that info to her. I guess I have to be a researcher, a psychologist, a salesman and lover all in one package.

Thanks to this forum and its members I have learnt a lot about myself, my wife and my marriage than ever before and I enjoy continually reading new comments that are relevant to my challenge.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You sound like a wonderful husband, jumble. It's hard to be patient, but it seems like your efforts are paying off. The only other thing I would suggest is to ask her about sexual fantasies. The brain is the most important sexual organ, and if she can conjure sexy thoughts, she will be able to relax and receive the sexual pleasure. I know it may seen strange to men, but women must be conscious of receiving sexual pleasure in order to enjoy the experience.


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## jumble (Oct 9, 2011)

Awww Shucks!

If I asked about fantasies no doubt her reply would be "thinking about cuddling you" or something similarly simple either because that is her honest fantasy or because she would be concerned I would be upset if she fantasized about someone/something else. It may even backfire if it bothers her that I might fantasize about someone/something else. I don't think she realises fantasizing is healthily normal, but if I could find a way to short-circuit that thinking then it's definitely something I would like to bring up.

Any suggestions??? Maybe some fun and sexy books, games, articles etc that might make it easier for her to feel comfortable considering she wouldn't normally talk about this? (It's her birthday in a couple of weeks maybe I can find her something naughty but nice)


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