# Hard to figure out



## Confused&tired (Nov 5, 2012)

I'm new to this online thing. I've viewed a bunch of posts with some (and not some) similar views. I've been married for 14 years and we have two boys 9 and 11. I found out in 2009 (I know, 3 years ago) that she had two affairs with different cops. Then I found out about a couple of other possibilities that may have been affairs too. But she denied it. She did give me explicit details of the cops which almost pushed me to the edge. We went to counseling and things seemed just ok for a while. Now I'm getting depressed again because it still bothers me. I am devoted to my boys and nothing will change that. I won't cheat, though I considered it for the first year, because my word means a great deal to me. She said she cheated because she desired the attention. She doesn't work and I support the family. We spend most of our time together including lunches, breakfast, dinner, you name it. Now I work out at the gym 5 days a week and the physical exertion helps me deal with it. But now I'm having trouble sleeping at night. I feel like I was a fat slob then and now I'm in shape. I've been to counseling and I've tried to forgive her. I just don't think you can love someone and do these things. I know I still love her, but it won't stop hurting. And I'm tired of the whole thing. How do I resolve these feelings?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What is it that your WW is doing to affair proof the marriage?

Do you feel that the both of you just swept this under the rug?


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

The truth is that the feelings we have about something that has happened - good or bad - are not the result of what actually happened. The feelings are the result of the MEANING we give to what happened.
You cannot change what happened but, without minimizing the significance of it, if you can change what you think it meant it can make you feel a lot better.
Ask yourself some of the following:
- What could actually be GOOD about what happened?
- Are there other people who might have had the same thing happen to them as I did but who might think it means something different?
Also, accept that your wife is not perfect and she is simply doing her best to meet her needs, just like you and everyone else.
The pain you are feeling is caused by thoughts running around in your head. Change your thoughts by looking at things a different way and it is possible to feel differently - and better.
Hope this helps!


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## Confused&tired (Nov 5, 2012)

No guarantees to proof a marriage. No, it was not swept under the rug. Months of scrutiny with a fine tooth comb went into this thing.


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