# Expectations



## Nordic Queen (Jun 12, 2021)

I feel like my husband rarely meets expectations but I'm unsure if that's fair to him. 

He plays video games when he is supposed to be watching our son and obviously unwanted things happen like dumping full shampoo bottles all over the couch. 

He doesn't go to the store when he has time to and asks me to when I'm coming home from a long day of work or a late night out (very rare) with my coworkers or friends 

He doesn't do the laundry - this morning I had to wear yesterday's work clothes. Our agreement is he does the laundry and I fold we have 6 loads of dirty laundry sitting in our closet. 

He leaves the dinner table to answer work calls. 

He stays up late with his bros to play video games while I lay in bed alone but gets upset with me if I spend hours trying to get our son to bed while I lays in bed alone. 

I feel like I am drowning and struggling and I don't know what to do. I know I am unhappy but want so bad for everything to work well and successfully and stop thinking about how much of a dumbass he is. 

I genuinely just want my husband to think of me and do things for me that I have expressed will help but I have the opposite 😮‍💨

What would you do?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Nordic Queen said:


> I feel like my husband rarely meets expectations but I'm unsure if that's fair to him.
> 
> He plays video games when he is supposed to be watching our son and obviously unwanted things happen like dumping full shampoo bottles all over the couch.
> 
> ...



Welcome to TAM. 

A few questions. 

You mentioned all of the things you don't like about him. What are the things you do like about him?

Generally, how old are both of you? How many children? 

Was he always like this?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Do your own washing and ironing, when he runs out of clean clothes he will get the hint. Unless it’s something that you need yourself don’t go to the store for him. Under no circumstances should you clean up any mess that your child makes while your husband is supposed to be watching him. 
Or get a cleaner at your husbands expense.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Not a lady here, but just tell him straight up that he’s not cutting it and why. Tell him if he continues these behaviors it will cause serious problems in your relationship.


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## Nordic Queen (Jun 12, 2021)

Lila said:


> Welcome to TAM.
> 
> A few questions.
> 
> ...


He's kind, he is patient, he is slow to anger, he values health and fitness, he is an incredible father. 

He's 30 I am 28, we have one child. He was never this messy however he has never been the most thoughtful. Things have gotten worse since he met his friend (T). His friend T is pretty messy, he's nice when he wants to be but generally disrespects women - and my husband knows it. Really just not someone I like having around.. that's a separate issue tho.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Nordic Queen said:


> He's kind, he is patient, he is slow to anger, he values health and fitness, he is an incredible father.
> 
> He's 30 I am 28, we have one child. He was never this messy however he has never been the most thoughtful. Things have gotten worse since he met his friend (T). His friend T is pretty messy, he's nice when he wants to be but generally disrespects women - and my husband knows it. Really just not someone I like having around.. that's a separate issue tho.


Okay so it sounds like he has some good qualities but his bad habits are "love busters". 

My advice is that you sit him down and tell him all of the wonderful qualities you see in him but explain to him how his bad behaviors are starting to kill your love for him. Let him know that you fear that you are losing respect for him as a husband. If he doesn't take your concerns seriously after that conversation then nothing you say or do is going to change him. He has to want to change. 

If his friend is causing him to ignore his commitment to you, then he's not a friend of the family and has got to go. Don't be afraid of stating your boundaries. Let the truth be your guiding light. If he values the relationship with his bff more than he values your relationship with him, then it's best to let him go. My 2 cents.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Nordic Queen said:


> What would you do?


I would have already done it.

His worthless ass would be in my rearview mirror.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Nordic Queen said:


> *....he is an incredible father.*


I'm assuming that's a joke, right?

I'll never understand posters who are pretty thorough in describing the crap behaviors they're dealing with, then when people start replying to that, the poster suddenly paints said person as a saint.

Did you or did you *NOT* say that the man-child you married can't be bothered PARENTING his own child because he's too busy acting like a frat boy playing his video games???? Did you or did you NOT say that he acts like a damned baby laying his lazy ass in bed for hours while YOU'RE up tending to your son trying to get him to go to sleep?

He's worthless as a father, he's worthless as a husband, and he's worthless as a human being in general.

Keep making excuses for him, OP.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Nordic Queen said:


> He's kind, he is patient, he is slow to anger, he values health and fitness, *he is an incredible father*.
> 
> He's 30 I am 28, we have one child. He was never this messy however he has never been the most thoughtful. Things have gotten worse since he met his friend (T). His friend T is pretty messy, he's nice when he wants to be but generally disrespects women - and my husband knows it. Really just not someone I like having around.. that's a separate issue tho.



How incredible of a father can he be when he's playing video games instead of keeping his child from pouring a bottle of shampoo all over the couch, leaving the dinner table with his family to take calls, not doing his part to maintain the household he lives in and not staying up to help his wife settle his own restless child even though they both have to work the next day? How good a father can he be if he's modeling lazy, entitled, disrespectful behavior toward his child's mother? 

Is your marriage what you want your son to grow up thinking is the normal way of things, how he should behave in his own marriage and toward his own wife and child? If not, then he's _not_ an incredible father. 

Sit him down. Calmly and clearly explain that his behavior is eroding the love and respect you feel for him, it will eventually make you not want to have sex with him, and may eventually even mean the end of your marriage. Tell him you expect him to contribute equally to maintaining the home you two share and caring for the child you two created. 

Then stop doing more than your share to make up for his shortfalls. Do laundry for you and your son only, fix meals for you and your son only, go to the store for you and your son only. Don't be mean, sulky or snide. Just stop doing his share if he's not going to contribute. He'll either wake the hell up or you'll realize that you're already doing everything yourself and it would be easier and less lonely to actually _be_ by yourself without an extra adult to parent.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Did you communicate these issues to him? Expectations are useless unless they are communicated.


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## Nordic Queen (Jun 12, 2021)

Yes, I have. Many times.


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## Nordic Queen (Jun 12, 2021)

Benbutton said:


> Did you communicate these issues to him? Expectations are useless unless they are communicated.


Yes I have, many times.


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