# lost, broken, confused -- husband left a month ago



## ejames (Jan 18, 2015)

In December my husband left. We went to a marriage counselor because he wanted to "make us better." To him, that meant leaving. He told me in the appointment that he was leaving. I cried and cried and begged him to stay. I begged for a chance to make things better. I begged for him to go to counseling with me and work on us. He said no....

At the time it felt like it was out of nowhere but looking back, I knew that we were having problems. I remember sitting in the car the weekend before blasting a very sad song that I love screaming the words and crying my eyes out. My husband is in school (at 30, a late student) and he had a stressful semester. He was starting to have depression issues. He was drinking a lot and I was dealing with my own stuff -- I did not grow up with my father. He left when I was 5 and never looked back. 27 years later, he's back and trying to be a father again... and it's hard as hell to figure out how to act. Often my father will say or do things and I had no idea how to react to it. I was scared to tell him what I was thinking or feeling because I was scared that he would leave again. I would hold anger in and eventually, when it all boiled over, it was usually came out at my husband. 

All of those things were bad and probably contributed to the main problem.... we stopped talking to each other. We would say "have a good day" and I would ask what he wanted for dinner, stuff like that, but for months we didn't communicate at all. Honestly, I cannot remember the last time we had a real talk before he left.

So, he left. He's been gone 37 days. For the first few weeks we were talking (really communicating with each other!), hanging out, having fun, smiling, laughing, being intimate.... I thought that we were headed in the right direction to get back together but he pulled the break. He told me that he was not ready for it. He told me that we were moving too fast. He told me that he had all kinds of old feelings and all kinds of new feelings and all kinds of feelings coming from the intimacy and he couldn't sort them out while we were spending time together.

I asked him if we could date again. I asked him if we could try to start over, put all of the baggage away, stop using the past against each other, and get back to the happy relationship that we used to have.... not that long ago.... He agreed but told me that we had to get a separation agreement drafted and signed and we had to go a month with little to no contact. We have no kids, just an adorable fur baby, so no reason really for him to stop by, unless he needs something he didn't take with him. 

We've seen each other twice (once to see a lawyer and once to talk about our individual counseling) and texted once since the month started. I've got 15 more days before our "first" date. 

We've been together 9 years, 2 days after he left was our actually our "dating" anniversary. We've been married 4.5 years. Every day that I'm not allowed to talk to him is such a struggle.

I'm trying to stay strong but this is insanely hard. He keeps saying "I don't love you anymore" and asking me to make lists of the things that we have in common, because he thinks there's nothing.

We've agreed to date for 6 weeks but he's made it very clear that it is not his preference. He would much rather just go through with the divorce and get on with his life. He's told me that the only reason that he's agreed to date me is because he cares about me so much. 

I'm just so confused at how we got here. We are 2 people who loved each other so ridiculously much. He was so happy on our wedding day, he was almost crying. Neither of us believe in divorce. I'm lost....


----------

