# Affair & Working on us



## strongmom (Oct 26, 2013)

The affair was emotional since the new year, became physical in Feb. Its his affair, I've know about it the entire time, he knows that i know. It got worse. Here were are 10 months later and still as miserable. We are in counseling but he wont delete her from facebook, he still secretive with his phone and texts, hes gone out of town right now and its suspicious. I believe they are together. We havent lived together for a month. Hes manipulative, lies, emotional abusive, has been physical, bc i didnt press charges the cops called CPS so I have an open case with them. I can find it in my heart to forgive him for the past but he cant keep getting a clean slate to hurt me day after day after day. I am strongly convicted about divorce. I also am so tired of being a door mat. i have filled divorce and we have temporary orders in place but when it comes to the next step he refuses to hire an attorney, half hearted attempt to work on us but just enough to string me along. i am no doubt controlled by him, i dont know how to get away. i am not physically afraid of him. i want to leave but i feel wrong bc i should fight harder for my marriage and pray for him to come back. hes a christian who islost making bad choices. he became very successful in his job, a lot of money, fame and attention very quickly. she wont be the last. he also uses steroids and he feels invincible and low self esteem and is never happy even the more he has. what is the last attempt i can do to save this and get us focused on god. he claims hes never been closer to god. im miserable. we have been married almost 10 year and have 2 sons. when i talk about divorce he scares me with what i will miss out on assuming he changes. he scares me with money and our shared business. i know i cant change people, but god can. when do i throw in the towel for good and just divorce or how do i let go so he can maybe fall and find God again?? also since i am being brainwashed so much how can i get help for the emotional abuse and manipulation?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Marriage is hard work. 

It takes 2 people working very hard to make it work. It does not work with 3 people, it does not work with only you trying.

If I were you, I would try to get him out of your life. He is not sorry for what he has done, he is not sorry for what he is doing.

Please respect yourself. Have your attorney proceed with the divorce. Sometimes the wayward spouse will come out of the affair fog when the divorce is filed. However, you can not count on this. 

You can not count on him to change, he is in the land of the unicorns and no one has to clean up after the unicorns. When fantasy land is over, someone has a huge mess to clean up. And it is a huge mess. I for one, do not like to be the pooper scooper. 

I do hope in the future that you will find happiness. Try the 180 and going NC. Have your attorney try to push the divorce along as fast as possible.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Read up on and institute the 180 immediately to help yourself:

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## strongmom (Oct 26, 2013)

how do i know when he is serious about working on marriage after my 180 gets his attention. of course i wont be doing it for him, im going it for me. i started this by myself, just failed at the lack of communication and i have been very bitter.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You will know he's serious when he stops cheating; you seriously need to put your foot down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strongmom (Oct 26, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Read up on and institute the 180 immediately to help yourself:
> 
> The Healing Heart: The 180


very helpful...i copied it to notes in my phone. thank you


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## strongmom (Oct 26, 2013)

shall i pursue divorce at this time or wait a little longer. the kicker for my situation is our lease in the home i live in is over jan 15 and someone has rented it. he has his own house now. my only logical short term solution is an expensive fully furnished apartment or house month to month, or id im dead set on moving on and a divorce a new lease.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would pursue the divorce, institute the 180 and follow to the letter. Find yourself a new place to stay. Get moving moving forward for yourself. Force yourself to stop second-guessing. You are his doormat. He's given himself permission to both cheat and feel godly. I would normally scream that you should call huge BS on that, but what's the point?

Divorce, 180, new digs for you to start your new life.


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## strongmom (Oct 26, 2013)

except for him taking money from people this is him!!! except he wasnt always this person. my friend said the steroids did this to him and the sudden success and ego, he cant handle it. but he doesnt think hes doing anything wrong.
i take my responsibility for losing him but it doesnt warrant the way ive been treated. communication would have been amazing!!!


Thanks I'll pursue that, truly letting go and not being a witch is hard LOL

I've tired this back in june, started dating a guy. i got his attention but once he had me back a little and put the fear of loss in me he went back to mistress.

“Psychopaths are social predators who charm, manipulate and ruthlessly plow their way through life, leaving a broad trail of broken hearts, shattered expectations and empty wallets. Completely lacking in conscience and feelings for others, they selfishly take what they want and do as they please, violating social norms and expectations without the slightest sense of guilt or regret.”*


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Strongmom... You need to be strong not just say you are...

A woman who would tolerate her husband having an affair and knowing about it is NOT worth having. You just aren't worth having. He knows you know about his affair and you didn't do anything... Just let him shag everyone and act like he gives a damn about you. Put your head in the sand and pretend you are happy!

Or you can realize that he chased after you because you are worth it. Is he? Doesn't sound like much... Pretty scummy if you ask me. Why on earth would you be afraid of losing someone who was supposed to love and adore you and then treats you like dog crap?

Look in your purse under your lipstick... Your self respect is under there. I know you lost it so I told you where it is. Your husband may be muscular and handsome and may look like a great catch but really? So what? I'm muscular and ugly and I can get a pretty girl. 

File for divorce! Do not show him emotions or he will play you like a drum! Start the process. You can always change it if you want. Be smart fiscally. Separate your finances and save for a rainy day!


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## strongmom (Oct 26, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> File for divorce! Do not show him emotions or he will play you like a drum! Start the process. You can always change it if you want. Be smart fiscally. Separate your finances and save for a rainy day!


I've already filed for divorce, we have temporary orders for the income. We share a substantial business but I have limited access to the bank account where all the money is but he also cant spend it. I just needed to hear someone tell me its okay to leave biblically. because God didnt intend for me to be treated this way. Thanks- I know I'm worth fighting for, I just fee he will wake up one day and turn back to God. I also know that can happen after a divorce and big deal if its genuine, just get re


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## strongmom (Oct 26, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> File for divorce! Do not show him emotions or he will play you like a drum! Start the process. You can always change it if you want. Be smart fiscally. Separate your finances and save for a rainy day!


I've already filed for divorce, we have temporary orders for the income. We share a substantial business but I have limited access to the bank account where all the money is but he also cant spend it. I just needed to hear someone tell me its okay to leave biblically. because God didnt intend for me to be treated this way. Thanks- I know I'm worth fighting for, I just fee he will wake up one day and turn back to God. I also know that can happen after a divorce and big deal if its genuine, just get remarried and if not then the process is complete. 

How do i deal with the back last from his family when i get his parental rights restricted? that will absolutely happen with my new attorney. we met last week for a consult


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## strongmom (Oct 26, 2013)

bump


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

strongmom said:


> I've already filed for divorce, we have temporary orders for the income. We share a substantial business but I have limited access to the bank account where all the money is but he also cant spend it. *I just needed to hear someone tell me its okay to leave biblically. because God didnt intend for me to be treated this way.* Thanks- I know I'm worth fighting for, I just fee he will wake up one day and turn back to God. I also know that can happen after a divorce and big deal if its genuine, just get remarried and if not then the process is complete.
> 
> How do i deal with the back last from his family when i get his parental rights restricted? that will absolutely happen with my new attorney. we met last week for a consult


You are on a good track, and it appears that you are solving your problems.

It is ok to leave him Biblicaly. Lol! I do believe adultery is the one thing that we can D and not feel too guilty about. Talk to God or your religious leaders. The God I believe in understands me, and is merciful.

Deal with the former in-laws with respect, and matter-of-factness. New word? They need to know you are not the bad party in this marriage. Did you expose the A to them?

If they black list you, it will be their loss. You can find new friends and possible future in-laws if you re-marry later.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

God does not change people.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Vanguard said:


> God does not change people.


. . . and God in this case has given your WH more chances than he deserves to repent and change. 



> We share a substantial business but I have limited access to the bank account where all the money is but he also cant spend it.


This is outrageous. Why would you as a wife have only 'limited access' to the family business you own with your WH. Did WH dictate that too?
Have your lawyer IMMEDIATELY get you FULL ACCESS to what is your own money! 

Keep strong. 
Do what you must to provide a safe and happy home for your children. They are your number one priority. WS is a grown man free to make his own choices. 

I could be wrong but I think a 180 means getting on with your life as if WH and his negative energy didn't exist.


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## strongmom (Oct 26, 2013)

********** said:


> This is outrageous. Why would you as a wife have only 'limited access' to the family business you own with your WH. Did WH dictate that too?
> Have your lawyer IMMEDIATELY get you FULL ACCESS to what is your own money!


He called the company and changed our direct deposit to his bank account. his account that i am not on and the bank wont do anything about it. the date he got served is when all of his expenses will be tallied and right now he has an order not to spend over x amount without my written permission. So i am protected just when we go to court I get my share. 

I've began the 180, I had already been on the right track before seeing this list. My only fault is when I think he's interested in R I believe him and I have been burned. So now Im just having to deal with his control issues and manipulation when he claims to be making and effort toward R and he still wont agree to mediation or get an attorney. Ive waiting until my lease is over in January to serve him with new temporary orders and he will have to respond with an attorney. The temp orders we have now i wrote and we made them legal with my attorney. The next orders will be towards D and he wont like it at all. and once again the control and manipulation will be awful. i started with a counselor who has experience with this emotional abuse


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I served as a pastor and a chaplain for quite a while. Now I am a counselor working with Veterans.

The Bible tells us to be gentle as doves but wise as a serpent. Do you have a pastor or a fellowship that is helping you through this difficult time?

God does permit D in these cases. 

Stop going to counseling with him if you have not stopped already. As you have seen he is not committed to you.

Be warned, steroid users can become unstable and violent. 

Don't worry about his family. At this point if they are Christians they should be on your side and if not, don't give them the time of day.


God through Christ will get you through this.
How much have you exposed this?


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## strongmom (Oct 26, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I served as a pastor and a chaplain for quite a while. Now I am a counselor working with Veterans.
> 
> The Bible tells us to be gentle as doves but wise as a serpent. Do you have a pastor or a fellowship that is helping you through this difficult time?
> 
> ...



I will not be attending counseling with him this week.
I have a pastors wife and women at the church who are helping me. I've discussed with my sis in law that the parents are just as irrational as he is. I did make some bad choices while living in "limbo" after we physically separated and I asked for a divorce and had no where but time to go, I dated a guy for 2 months off and on until I became convicted by it. I wasnt feeling bad for my husband. But guilty that I was not pouring into God. I have now began doing that and IC, I feel i am on the up and up but also feel it will get worse before it gets better because of his manipulative and controlling ways. Thank you very much for your reply


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