# Looking for advice



## work-n-progess (Sep 13, 2013)

OK so first off I'm new here and I decided to ask a forum for advice since all of my friends are very negative on this topic so I do not even want to ask them.
My husband R and I have been together for 7 years and married for 6. We have three children 6(k), 4(D) and 2 (K2). When I was pregnant with (D) he had an affair. It last for 11 months, I did not know about it for the first two months. When I found out about the affair I took K and moved out. He then moved this woman into our home and they lived there til D was born in August. At this point R had gotten her pregnant too and she moved into her parents home. So I moved back into our home with K and D after getting released from the hospital. After a lot of fighting between R and his mistress he moved back home to 'help' me with the children while sleeping on the couch and still being involved with her. Now during the entirety of his affair R and I were still sleeping together (stupid I know but well I still Loved him).
On Christmas eve of 2009 we decided to try again and stop our divorce. Now the past 3 and a half years have been pretty good. We have our ups and downs but over all we seem to have worked through every thing. 
Now here is my problem that I need advice with. This week his mistress contacted him about the child they had together (N). N is now three and she is now married with another child by her husband. I do not think she is reaching out to cause issues but simply to make the connection for her son to his biological father, however I'm not sure as I have not been included in any conversation with her. I am unsure of how to handle R now texting and calling and messaging her on FB all the time. As well R adding her as a friend on FB. I want him to be able to know N but I feel like he doesn't need to be friends with this woman to due so. MY biggest problem is that when he told me that she had contacted him , R told me that any issues I had we my problem not his and I needed to figure it out and not start problems. I feel this is unfair to me because I am not the one who created this mess.
I guess my question here is how do I moved past this and become ok with R and her talking? I know they have to talk in order to work out things about N.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He absolutely should be giving you full transparency on his communications with her, and such comm should only be about the kid.

I suggest contacting her husband and let him know they are again in secret private contact.


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## work-n-progess (Sep 13, 2013)

The problem is her husband knows they are in contact and he does not care. He came into the situation after R and I had already decided to get back together and moved away.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should have full transparency.


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## work-n-progess (Sep 13, 2013)

I'm not sure how to get it from R without him becoming angry over the idea. He is very protective of his privacy even from me. He has always been this way and if I even walk past him when he is on his computer he will close down the windows so that can not see anything (not that I am trying, I am usually just going up to ask/tell him something).


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

work-n-progess said:


> I'm not sure how to get it from R without him becoming angry over the idea. He is very protective of his privacy even from me. He has always been this way and if I even walk past him when he is on his computer he will close down the windows so that can not see anything (not that I am trying, I am usually just going up to ask/tell him something).


And honestly therein lies the behavior that he used to have his affair, and it's or behavior that should have been ditched when you reconciled with him.

Ok, does he call her? Would a var in his car catch what they are saying? How about a key logger?


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## work-n-progess (Sep 13, 2013)

He has called her he did it from home while I was here, he spent most of the call outside, but when I went to smoke he did not move away but did go back to yes and no answers instead of actually talking. And as for anything to spy on him with no it will not work. It would be the end of our marriage. If I ever did anything like that and he found out there would be no recovery. 
I have asked for transparency in the past and he has given it, however he is not happy about it and makes it known. He resents the very idea of having to share everything with me and giving up on having privacy. The last time I asked was just before she contacted him and he said I could look at whatever I wanted but that it was BS that he had to give up his privacy. And I do know he should want to do this to reassure me that nothing is going on, I just can not seem to get him to understand why it is important to me or for our relationship.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I honestly think you need to be laying down strict boundaries, very strict.

Like transparency and honestly.

And yes it could mean the end of marriage - if he violates them!


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## work-n-progess (Sep 13, 2013)

I believe you are correct. I just need to figure out how I want to do it and what my boundaries will be. Thank you for the advice.


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## hartlvxmp (Sep 13, 2013)

He absolutely should be giving you full transparency on his communications with her


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

He broke your trust in the past. He doesn't get to tallk to his affair partner in private. You are on the phone with him for those conversations, all of them. You should be able to freely read his email.

The fact he hides things from you is a huge glowing neon flashing red flag.


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## adolfsonzp (Sep 14, 2013)

I suggest contacting her husband and let him know they are again in secret private contact.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The only contact he should have with her is about the child. There is no need for phone calls, etc. IT could all be done via email.

What's going on is that he's hanging on to his affair.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You are setting yourself up to get betrayed again. You can not control him, only yourself. As such, you can control what you will accept and what you won't. You can clearly state that his past behaviour does not put his character in a favourable light. If he insists on being secretive, in any way shape or form ( privacy is closing the door to the bathroom while you use it, not to make a call away from other's ears). Anything he does, he should have no problem doing it where you can see for yourself what is going on. Especially in regards to his affair partner. Draw your line, it's his choice to respect it or not, but listen and act on his choice. If he will not extend you the respect you need and deserve, then do yourself a favour and remove the cancer from your life as much as possible. Life's too short to waste on jack asses.


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