# Husband says he is emotionally detached



## tryingtohard (Aug 3, 2011)

So my husband and I have been married for just over 9 years. I am an extremely emotional person, kind caring, give the shirt off my back type of person. I always want to help everyone. My husband on the other hand always questions why I care so much about everyone else. I have felt that there were problems in our marriage for awhile, such as he is always moody with our kids and yells at them over every little thing, he puts his job first (I am guilt of this as well at times), we don't really talk at all, we don't really socialize with our families, he always says ignorant things that he thinks that I should be ok with.

Example:

Last Sunday I was telling him about the neighbors cat that is about 2 years old and it has an enlarged heart. I felt bad for my neighbor, as she has to have the cat put down. He didn't feel sorry about the cat. Instead he said what is the big deal. It is just an animal. That if it was our cat, Fizz, that he wouldn't care either. Then, he just out of the blue says that he wouldn't be bothered if we ever got divorced.

I was shocked and told him that he was ignorant. He says well you know I am emotionally detached. (He has never been diagnosed with anything.) So I said, well would it bother you if I was killed in a car accident? Would you cry at my funeral? He said No.

So of course, to me, if you are that emotionally attached from me, then how can you say you love me?

He says he loves only to an extent. What the heck? 

He says I am blowing it out of proportion. Do you think I am? What is he thinking? How should I handle this? I am just completely thrown by this.

Thanks for any advice in advance.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

This sounds somewhat like my husband but my husband's detachment comes from severe childhood abuse from his parents....I mean SEVERE. So he never bonded at a young age.

I don't know who your husband is, but has he gone through some things as a child?


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## tryingtohard (Aug 3, 2011)

Yes, he did. His father was an alcoholic and was never around and his mother drank as well. I know he went through a lot of the same things that I did, (beatings and such), but I didn't have alcoholic parents. 

He admits he has a problem, but he is the type that will not get help for it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, my husband's parents were drunks and beat him badly and his mother was schitzophrenic and into voodoo.  He faced TONS of emotional and physical abuse and has issues now. He wants to get help but he's not "there" yet in his journey.

If your husband doesn't want help, i don't know how he can heal


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

That is emotional abuse.

I am thinking that if you left him he would suddenly feel very attached. if not why would you want to spend your life with someone so heartless? How awful for you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

tryingtohard said:


> Yes, he did. His father was an alcoholic and was never around and his mother drank as well. I know he went through a lot of the same things that I did, (beatings and such), but I didn't have alcoholic parents.


I know many people who are ACOA's (Adult Children of Alcoholics) through my involvement with Al-Anon. I realize your husband comes across as callous and unfeeling, but given what he lived with ... Alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer, taking down everyone in its path. Your husband was a victim of the insanity and chaotic environment in which he lived as a child. 

People who grow up in such environments either are rabidly codependent and glom onto other addicts, or they shut down and become hyper-critical and come across as unfeeling.

I'm sorry your husband won't seek help. Under that defensive shell is a person who has a lot of pain. He loves you only to an extent because he probably got the love he had to give stomped on as a kid.

I wish there was some way you could convince him to get into Al-Anon, therapy, or both. Since he sounds like he isn't ready for that, perhaps you should consider therapy for yourself. You have the right to be as emotional as you desire, as long as you aren't harming anyone else. You can't change him, but you can change yourself, your perspective, and how you handle his lack of emotion.

I'm sorry I can't offer you more helpful advice. Work on yourself, and see if he responds to the changes in you.


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## tryingtohard (Aug 3, 2011)

Thanks everyone for the advice and opinions. All of this helps. When I talk to anyone I talk to on a normal basis all I get is told to leave him with no advice. So I truly appreciate the help.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

There is a deeper issue causing this passive-aggressive behavior. 

What he said, he said to hurt you. The question is why?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Cross said:


> There is a deeper issue causing this passive-aggressive behavior.
> 
> What he said, he said to hurt you. The question is why?


:iagree:

If he was really as emotionally removed as he claims to be he would never have said that in the first place. He wanted to make a point. More then likely he feels extremely attached to you. 

But you have every right to be really upset by it. I would be devastated. It was a really cruel thing to say.


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## tryingtohard (Aug 3, 2011)

Everytime I try to talk to him about it, I get the whole, "You are blowing this out of proportion." and "I don't worry about anything like you do, because there is no reason to worry about what will happen because you can not control it." 

I just think all of that is bs that he is telling me. Everyone worries about stuff, women just tend to wear their emotions on their sleeves. He said that if we do get to a divorce, that he can not stop it. It all just doesn't make sense to me.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

tryingtohard said:


> Everytime I try to talk to him about it, I get the whole, "You are blowing this out of proportion." and "I don't worry about anything like you do, because there is no reason to worry about what will happen because you can not control it."
> 
> I just think all of that is bs that he is telling me. Everyone worries about stuff, women just tend to wear their emotions on their sleeves. He said that if we do get to a divorce, that he can not stop it. It all just doesn't make sense to me.


hes using all of that as an excuse not to do the right thing by you and to behave badly.

people get divorced all the time, because they don't care enough and they do nothing to stop it.

happy marriages and lives don't just occur, you have to put the effort in.

You either need to call him out on it or put up with it and continue to live that way.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

tryingtohard said:


> Everytime I try to talk to him about it, I get the whole, "You are blowing this out of proportion." and "I don't worry about anything like you do, because there is no reason to worry about what will happen because you can not control it."
> 
> I just think all of that is bs that he is telling me. Everyone worries about stuff, women just tend to wear their emotions on their sleeves. He said that if we do get to a divorce, that he can not stop it. It all just doesn't make sense to me.


Oh, he worries about stuff, but his passive aggressive displays are due to issues with you.

Really, it sounds like there is little respect and an issue with friendship. Do you do things together? Does he take you out? Does he like you? 

If he's used to you giving him sex on demand, stop it and see what happens. If he complains tell him he's blowing it out of proportion....


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## Justfedup (Jun 12, 2011)

Good one, Cross! Hit the nail on the head!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*Everytime I try to talk to him about it, I get the whole, "You are blowing this out of proportion." and "I don't worry about anything like you do, because there is no reason to worry about what will happen because you can not control it." *

Maybe he is speaking HIS truth. Not everyone worries over other people's (or their pets) problems.... And alot of people refuse to worry over things that are beyond your control. Some of us find this healthy. 

Ya, sure he could use some counseling.... but if you are "a worrier" then I bet he thinks the same about you. 

And the comments about divorce.... maybe he just doesn't think all mushy, and has no reason to think it would ever happen.


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## msdisenchanted (Feb 10, 2016)

SunnyT said:


> *Everytime I try to talk to him about it, I get the whole, "You are blowing this out of proportion." and "I don't worry about anything like you do, because there is no reason to worry about what will happen because you can not control it." *
> 
> Maybe he is speaking HIS truth. Not everyone worries over other people's (or their pets) problems.... And alot of people refuse to worry over things that are beyond your control. Some of us find this healthy.
> 
> ...


He's abusive and pretty much trying to chip away at your self esteem with these sorts of comments. 
with no self esteem you are isolated and easier to abuse.

his mean spirited comment is also disrespectful and demonstrates a lack of caring on his part. what positve beneficial influence does he add to your life, if any? if none then you might consider why you want to be with someone so damaging to your mental health.

he's a grown man, not some child you are obligated to endure regardless of bad behavior.

you deserve better☆
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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