# Confused and Heartbroken



## heartbroken husband (Aug 13, 2010)

For awhile now my wife and I have been having some problems in our marriage. It originally started out by her taking everything out on me because of her best friend passed away and she started to have medical issues. After awhile it started to take a toll on me and I would shut down and wasn't there as emotionally as I should of been. I then recently found out my wife has been having an affair for the past few months and it absolutely devastates me and she said she wants to end it but she cant because she keeps going back to him. She still hasn't said she was sorry or took any responsibility for what she's doing. She even says they're in "love." I tried to talk to her about us and everything but she says it pushes her away even more. Here sister even tried to talk to her and she pushed her sister away as well. My wife is very smart and typically thinks logically. However, she's been hanging around with people who abuse pills, drugs, and even had my wife cover up one of her friends affairs. She has done 3 stupid things in her life (this being one) and every time she's done something stupid is when she's been in a lot of stress because of work (Full Time), school (going for her MBA part time), and most important many medications. We talked about why I have been emotionally detached and I know this is why she's been seeing another guy. She's even confessed a few days ago she's been a pathological liar. We both are currently seeking counseling (for our previous stated issues) and she is moving out to think about where her life is going and what she wants in life. However, I know the moment she moves out she'll be back with him. This is not my wife's typical thinking pattern, I know this is not who she really is, and I know this isn't the person she wants to be. She's been really stressed out with work, school, and on many medication some of which cause depression. In the past we've said hurtful things to each other in which we both apologized for because we didn't mean them. She told me that now when she looks back she sees all the bad things that has happened in the past years and doesn't see the good. I realize now I've been emotionally detached and she realizes now she's been verbally abusive and that's why were seeking counseling. Even though we don't like the topics we have been talking about our conversations have been great. I truly feel like were reconnecting again. However, I'm scared, confused, and heartbroken and don't know what to do. Please give some good advice. Thank you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I was heart broken to, but I stayed strong and did not settle for her "I need time" and the "push me away" stuff. In my experience I figured she was gone when my w admitted the affair so out she went. BUT I started packing her stuff, she changed her tune and asked what she could do to make it work.
Keep in mind I has not sure this was going to work, she could of thanked me for helping her pack.
So my point is, commit to a plan and work the plan. It will hurt you if you try to do things her way and it will hurt if you try to do things your way.
good luck


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## maypearl (Aug 14, 2010)

i am more than confused in 2003 and 2004 my husband was seeing his ex from morning to night everyday, he told lies i.e i am going to church goto church leave and go to her home, i am to the emergency room leave there and go to her home. admits that he felted something when he saw her it rushed back in. when it come up it an half hearted iam sorry or forget it in the past. also admit they were making plans to be back together told her it would take time he could not walk out just like that. by the way this is not his first time did it in 1987 to apprx. 1996 with first wife. i do not know what to do when i ask about it, he acts as if i should just forget and i am being a nag. i am strong enought to let him walk away. he does not know where she is now she went to jail and he lost contact and the other one got married.


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## maypearl (Aug 14, 2010)

why does it have to be that drastic, i told him to just get out because he seemed to not be able to stops seeing her and i became the mean person. after all the lies. i am trying to stay strong but every once and a while a new issue comes up. by the way after seeing her for about 1 1/2 years for over 14 hours a day he claims he did not sleep with her, at first he said he did not hug her or kiss her, she said they did sleep together, what getting me is his constant lying. in my heart i know he slept with her, just as in my heart no one has to tell me or see it i knew he was seeing her and confront him with it. he was shock but not sorry, got angry and siad nothing was going on but the next day and every day after i confronted him he was right back over ther.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

I am very concerned you have no plan to follow; counselling is not going to help unless the affair stops.

So please throw your full weight in to a list of action steps to get the OM out of her life and yours. You need to ensure she know there is no win for her to go to the OM. 

Tell her family and friends she is having an affair and ask them to support you recover your marriage.

Let her co-workers know, exposing the affair takes away the fun. Take the fun away and it becomes obvious to all it is deceit. 

Track down the OM, is he married or single. – tell his wife / girlfriends and parents. If needs be let his work know or use a direct confrontation method, go to his place of work and let all he is committing adultery with his wife.

You need to get him away your wife so you can focus on your marriage.

If you are serious about saving your marriage and rebuilding the love with your wife then fight for it. 

Stop being nice about this she is not being nice to you. 

Suck your gut in, harden your heart. No action means you are going to loose your wife, action means if you do loose her you have done everything to save the love between you. 

If she does not see it now she will see this in the future. 

Below is a thread from cowman I have inserted the 7 steps , read them please and formulate a plan.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-relationship-driving-me-nuts.html#post174897


You can sit and ponder or you can fight for your marriage and the love of your wife. 


Only after the affair has stopped can you focus on the healing and rebuilding


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## heartbroken husband (Aug 13, 2010)

Wisp, I agree with you 100% when you say counseling will not help unless the affair stops. I told her last night that if I got another lie or if she at any point went back to this guy for any reason I would get a divorce. It's the absolute last thing I want to to, however, I will not be second best. I tried to let her know that there is no future with the other man. I did a lot of research on the subject for the past week, however she doesn't want to listen to me. I told her sister about the affair and she even said the my wife is making a big mistake but she didn't want to listen to her either. As far as the rest of her family is concerned she only said something to her mother. Also, the guys parents know what he's doing and is allowing it's obvious that they too have no morals or ethics. I don't understand how someone thinks there's a future with someone that was built on lies and deceit. It's like as the saying goes, "You can't build a house on a foundation with cracks."


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Let her co-workers and Boss know, she needs to loose the security that she has. Reality needs to set in.

Your plan is to isolate her from friends, family and co-workers. Lock her out of the finances i.e transfer all funds to a secure account, close the credit down etc.

Start taking steps that help you no matter what the outcome. You must keep the high ground.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Hi Heartbroken, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I just read through everyone's replies, and what Wisp said resonated with me. And elements of your story resonate with me as well. My husband and I went through a lot of stuff together that also resulted in each of us pulling away at times. And part of our mistake was not having an extended support system near (all close friends and family were either in another country or province). I have a few questions for you, but please don't feel you need to respond to them here. In reading your post, these are just some things that came to mind and I hope these questions might help you sort through these difficult emotions. 

First, through your counseling sessions, do you have a sense that you and your wife have done a good job at asking each other for support and giving each other support throughout the marriage? And what about during the counseling sessions? Second, you went through some tough times together, you both pulled away, you both likely feel hurt and angry - yet, unless she has a change of heart very soon and snaps out of this phase (if this is a phase and there is a behavioral pattern), you will be the one doing the heavy lifting. Are you prepared to do this? Do you want to do this for the two of you for now, with no guarantee that she will stop the affair? 

Please don't think I'm prejudging here as I know very little about you or your marriage. And I'm by no means a qualified counselor. I've been divorced once and I'm currently separated from my second husband. And I really messed up. To me as an outsider it sounds as though you really love your wife, but the reality is that this is going to be a tough situation to get through. But if you do your marriage might be all the stronger for it.


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## BlueEyedBeauty (Sep 27, 2010)

_
It takes a lot to make a marriage to work out- and it takes a lot to have your love to last forever; You, have been doing the right things on your side; on seeing someone to help the two of you, talking with her sister to have her see what is up with the wife; Also, you may not have been there all that much for your wife; but that really does not give her any right to go out and cheat on you... Yes, you said she has done three stuiped things throughout her life but still it does not give her any right to be having a lover on the side. You, also say that they think they are in love. Well, you cannot love two people at once. She, is either going to be giving her whole self to you- or nothing at all. She cannot love two people at once all it is, is strong affection she is having for the two of you; she is drawnly between two men- that is attached to very deeply; in her mind it may feel like love but it isn't...

You, two must of had something right going on if you married her. Go back to the good ole days, be that person she fell in love with- show her you will show more feelings; and to be that person she married and fell in love with; if nothing comes of it then most likely she thought she really was in love with you and had love for you. Love is a funny thing; it is very hard to understand and to show this I know... My husband he is one who was raised not to love anyone but his own mother- not to show any feelings or anything. So, I do know what you are saying about yourself here. It does hurt us females, when we are hurting and the males, just do not really know how to heal our broken heart or know the right words to say. 

I know back when we first got married back 17 years ago- everything was really good between us and after the first year of marriage things started to change; he was not making as much love me as he was, he stopped calling me sexy, stop showing his true feelings, stopped giving me any type of affection. People, would say "He is cheating on you" Which is not true and he never has- all that man did was work and come right home from work. Nothing more. Anyhow as the years went on- the love making and everything was getting worse- not that long ago he even stopped making love with me and all that for over a year and half (He was taking meds and it made him not want it) but these are meds that he wanted to take where he would be able to have something he has wanted...

I love him so much (I told him "you can do that") for one I never knew it would stop him all together on the love making. Now back four months ago he has just started making love with me once again for first three months he only made love with me five times. Now this month it has been six times already... He is getting there. I know though I hate this once a week, once a month, once every two months and so on- Since he has married me I have only had him a little over 1,200 times and yes I do keep track. I had someone time me "that cannot even be- seeing you have a kid" well, hello- you can get knocked up in one shot so yes, it can happen and it did....

Now with you, I would have to say- let her work her way on what it is she wants; because most likely she is going to keep going back to her lover- which she is doing still and will be doing when she moves out..._


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

hh its been awhile since your last post so I'll just throw my 2cents in;
marriage is about comprimise and if you are letting her do what she wants then you should get what you want and thats STOP SEEING THE OM AND TELL THE TRUTH period.
Any way give us an update


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