# Newly married and father of my son is trying to get me back



## Pearlee (Sep 23, 2013)

I have been with my husband for two years. He is not the father to my three year old. He is a soldier so we have been apart alot even in the short time we have been together. The father of my child I was only with a very short time and the relationship ended badly just after I got pregnant, though we have stayed in relatively friendly contact over the years. He is not in my child's life at all, and has only seen him in person twice as a friend. 

My question is that my husband is deployed and my child's father has been talking to me and has told me how he regrets pushing me away and not taking responsibility of his child, that he really has only ever loved me and that he will always love me and he wants to be with us... I really believe him to be telling the truth. But how am I supposed to hurt my husband and possibly confuse my child with the switch. BTW my husband loves my child and I very much and I love him, but I can't help but love my child's father too. I feel like life would be so much simpler to be with my child's father and have a normal family, but my husband has done so much for me and my child. I was a working single mom when he married me and now I can stay home with my child...I just feel confused and like I am not thinking clearly. PLEASE Help me


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your child?


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## Pearlee (Sep 23, 2013)

Three years old.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you, your husband and your ex?

What was the problem that broke the two of you up back then?

You have a husband who has loved you and your son and taken care of the both of you. He is the only father your child knows.

You have an ex who broke up with you shortly after you got pregnant. So you went through the pregnancy with his child alone. He's ignored his own child and not helped to support him for over 3 years. How can you love someone who does this to you and his own child?

This is a huge test of your character. Do you stay with the man who has proven his that he’s a good man (you have not said anything bad about your husband) or do you go with a guy who is there but has not treated you and your child very well? 

But your ex is here and your husband is out of the country? So the most compelling thing about your ex is that he's a warm body who is around right now?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Please do not cheat on your husband ! You are already crossing the line big time with the conversations you are having with you ex.

Don't be the kind of woman who cheats on her husband as he is deployed.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

He's only seen your son twice?!?!???? Fair enough if the relationship finished with you, but what's his excuse for not seeing his child? 

He seems EXTREMELY immature and unreliable. I'd stay well away
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jntrs (Feb 13, 2013)

what are you feelings torwards your ex? besides all the hurt hes done to you, do you love him? i believe you should stop contact with him for now till you clear your feelings, and not only for the child, but for yourself.

is not fair that your current husband is out risking his life while you are over here talking to your ex, if you decide to go back to your ex for whatever reason, you should let your husband know as soon as hes back, do not tell him now.

good luck


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sorry, but you are a fool if you believe this.


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## Pearlee (Sep 23, 2013)

Okay so I am 23, as is my husband and my child's father. 

We were officially broken up, when we were taking a break in our relationship, hadn't ended it but were taking time apart to think. I heard from another friend he had hooked up with his ex during this time, so I went out with some friends, got very drunk and ended up hooking up with a friend. Word got back to him. He was furious with me and refused to talk to me. I was annoyed because I thought it was ridiculous of him and he wouldn't even talk it over. Then a week later, I found out I was pregnant and went to tell him. I told him and he was still very mad at me said it wasn't his(which there really was no way it was anyone elses). He told me he didn't care what I did with it, but he never wanted to see me again. I left in tears. Thought about abortion or adoption but chickened out of both. A few months later he called me up and apologized. He said he was wrong and wanted us both. He cried and begged me to come back. I was so angry and bitter, I told him never to talk to me again, reminded him of his words and said that he would never see his child. I didn't talk to him for months after that.
After the baby was born I did call to tell him that I forgave him and to thank him for my beautiful baby, but I still didn't want him back. A few months later I was in town and let him see him, but after that there was still little to no contact. I just couldn't forgive him deep down. I wasn't going to let him hurt me again.
Right before I got married we started talking again and he congratulated me and then he just stopped talking to me all of a sudden. I thought he had moved on and had heard he had a girl friend living with him now. I didn't really think about it again until I came home recently to stay with family while my husband deployed. Through a series of events, he heard I was in town and asked if we could get together, so he could see his child. We got together, it was really nice. They got along well which was really neat to see them together and all their similarities. 

After he said he wanted to see us again. Then sent me a very long message about how sorry he was for everything and how much he loved us both and would and could never love anyone else like us, how he understands we have moved on and maybe for the better but how he would give anything to have us all together. He apologized so many times. 

But now I am confused as I said before. I do believe I love them both but each for different reasons'. My husband for marrying me and my child and taking us and loving and protecting us as he has done. Whereas, my childs' father I love for the old good times we had, the fact he is the father, for all the little reasons' I fell for him in the first place, and I do have more chemistry with him than my husband, though that really makes no diffence to me in the end. My husband is a great man, while my childs' father has great potential and when he is with me, he has always been so much better...but that kinda scares me too.

So there is an answer to all the questions. Please give me more honest feedback


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is the thing. Your ex should have gone to court and established his paternity .He would have gotten 50% custody and helped to raise his own son. He did not care enough about his own child to do this.

Even today he could do that and get 50% custody. Depending on the laws in your state and both of your incomes, one of you might have to pay child support to the other.

How often are to seeing, talking to, txting, etc your ex?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You said your husband is a great man and the father of your baby (old BF) has the potential to be one. That means that he also has the potential not to be. 

Right now if you don't already know this, your slowly cutting you husbands throat by keeping in contact with the old BF. You already know what it feels like to be thrown out on your ear, so ask yourself if you want a repeat performance when you husband does the same thing to you. Honestly, grow the hell up and act like an adult. You have a good thing with your husband and for some selfish reason it's no good enough for you. How many men do you know that would take a woman and her baby and raise it like it was his own? Keep playing games and you going to find you a$$ out in the street. If it happens, then you have yourself to blame.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to realize that by continuing to talk like you are and seeng the kids father you are betraying your husband right? You are being disloyal, and you a cheating on him, he trusts you , and you are betraying that trust.

And it's showing up as you thinking about getting back with this guy, so don't lie and say it ps sell innocent when it isn't. You are basically giving the kids father the opportunity to create a relationship with you at a time your husband isn't able to be around to defend his family.

You may only be 23, but that's old enough to understand about loyalty and betrayal, and right now you are betraying your husband big time.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

First let me say I'm sorry, sorry that you are lonely at home while your husband is serving far away. Sorry that you are about to break the heart of a man that has stood by you and has provided for you. Sorry that your son is going to loose the man that is a real father to him, for someone that merely provided DNA. Sorry that you are going to throw away a solid relationship for the fantasy of a relationship that never was. Sorry that you will find yourself without either man in the future as you have rejected a good man for a good time Charlie. I am sorry that Charlie will keep you on a string for years as he drifts in and out of you and your son's life. I am sorry that in a moment of depression you will give into temptation. I am sorry that I can't find the words to make you see how wrong this decision would be.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want to find out what your ex is made of, ask him to start showing that he's serious by giving you child support every month... it's usually between 10%-20% of his income. Ask him to pay extra for things like baby sitting, any medical bills that exist, any classes you child takes.


Tell him to you to go in small steps. He has to prove that he's willing to be a father first.

Also... newsflash... if he wanted to be a father to your son he would have already started the paperwork and court case to be named his legal father.

How much effort and money has the ex put into this so far?


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

As a father I suggest you work to get your baby's father involved in his life. It's a horrible nightmare to me to think of my child being raised so completely divorced from my world. It will haunt him forever, and more then likely is what is haunting him now.

On that note, you betrayed him (in his mind, it's emotional not rational, I know you had "broken up"). I can not even begin to imagine how I would feel if the woman I loved and got pregnant slept with another man. It would throw me off balance for a long time and really hurt badly.

The right thing for you to do is remain loyal to your husband, let you baby's father go, for his own good, while at the same time let him participate in the life of his child.

You need to let him go. He was no doubt very hurt by what you did and now he's hurting because he has a child whose life he is not part of.

You can't fix the damage you did when you slept with another man, but you can focus on the good things you have and help your child's father by letting him go.

But he deserves to see his child once his emotions calm down.

Just my 2 cents.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Disenchanted said:


> As a father I suggest you work to get your baby's father involved in his life. It's a horrible nightmare to me to think of my child being raised so completely divorced from my world. It will haunt him forever, and more then likely is what is haunting him now.
> 
> On that note, you betrayed him (in his mind, it's emotional not rational, I know you had "broken up"). I can not even begin to imagine how I would feel if the woman I loved and got pregnant slept with another man. It would throw me off balance for a long time and really hurt badly.
> 
> ...


Two points here…. 

The ex is apparently not hurting from not being in his son’s life. He has had over 3 years to establish his paternity and do the right thing. But apparently it means little to him. 

The OP and ex were broken up. The ex was sleeping with another woman. It was only after the OP found out that he was sleeping around that she had what sounds like a ONS. 

What is the point of making this guy sound like a victim?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

It seems to me as if you married your husband for security and to have a father for your child. I don't really see where you are truly attracted to him, or in love with him for him. You seem to still emotionally belong to your ex, no matter how poorly he has treated you and your child. This all seems to be incredibly unfair to your husband. I have a feeling he is going to learn the nice guys finish last lesson very soon.


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