# IVF, depression, and no sex- not good



## bbmedic413 (Jun 18, 2014)

I'll try to keep this brief and to the point. My wife and I were married a little over a year ago. We've been having trouble conceiving. It looks like something with her hormones are the problem. We've done several rounds of IUI, and two rounds of IVF, no success. She has been pretty depressed over this, and rightfully so. 

The problem is, since we started getting fertility help, her sex drive is virtually zero. It just doesn't happen anymore. She isn't even all that receptive to anything more than a hug. She makes no effort to be affectionate at all. She says she loves me, but that's about it. No sign of desire towards me whatsoever. If I didn't occasionally hug her or give her a peck, there would be no affection in our marriage, which is just over a year old. The only exception is that when she is leaving for work, she'll give me a quick peck. This has always been the routine. 

I know the conceiving thing hasn't been easy on either of us, but its like she isn't attracted to me at all anymore. Anybody else have this problem? She has even admitted that she isn't doing her "wifely duty" (her words), but hasn't made an effort to rectify the problem. She has even been able to perceive when I'm feeling blue about this, without me outwardly saying it, but again, does nothing to try to resolve this.

Any thoughts?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... Fix your marriage before your bring kids into it.

C


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

This is a deep problem. Inability to conceive has struck a real blow to her self esteem. She doesn't feel attractive. Hence, her libido has vanished. The evolutionary purpose of sex is to reproduce. You may see your wife as an individual whom you love for her qualities, but how solid is her personality if she cannot cope with infertility?

She needs IC. And you need MC.

How old are the two of you?

Is the IVF a significant economic strain?

How important is having children to you? To her?

Are you producing viable embryos? Personally I think surrogate motherhood is ethically questionable, but maybe it could be a solution for you? It's not cheap.

A sexless marriage is a dead end.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw... How old are you two? How long did you date before you got married? And how was the sex and intimacy before the IVF?

C


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Get your sperm back from the doctor..... 
Protect this beach head. You must insist no children so long as "wifely duty" and "kids are more important than marriage" are her though processes.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Your wife has several significant stressors going on here. 

1. The entire focus and purpose of IUI and IVF is to manipulate and surge the hormones in order to get your body to release eggs. Our son was conceived via IVF, thankfully it only took the one time. It is a difficult process physically and emotionally. I found the emotional aspect harder than the physical, personally.

If she has gone through four rounds of treatment- has it been in the last year since you were married?- she has experienced major hormonal fluctuations. It messes with you; it just does.

2. In addition to the hormones, she is experiencing deep, soul-tortuous defeat. If she is willing to undergo the fertility treatments, then she REALLY wants a baby. I wasn't sure I would try it again if our first treatment failed. She's done it FOUR times- this is something she wants, badly. 

And despite medical help, her body will not cooperate. This is the ultimate FAIL for a woman who yearns to be a mother.

3. In addition to whacked out hormones, and defeat- getting it on is probably a bad cyclic 'trigger' for her, regarding defeat/depression. 

A. Instead of being a loving act that can create children, for her it is a painful reminder that she is not capable. She might not be able to get herself up to the act.

B. Not only is she a failure at creating children, but she is also failing you at her 'wifely duties'. 

C. Not only is she failing you by being uninterested/unable at this point to do her wifely duties, but also, she has failed YOU at giving you children, giving you the gift of fatherhood. If you also deeply wanted children- and while it wasn't your body, it was your love, support, desire, money, etc that was put forth to undergo four difficult and expensive treatments- she might seriously also be wondering whether or not you are better off with a different woman- one who could give you children. 

So, from someone who has been in the trenches, your description of your wife sounds like she is having an understandable reaction. In a female way, it is logical.

I don't think "ditch the b1tch unless she bangs you" is going to be helpful to you. I have different advice:

1. Don't take it personally! Your feeling of her not being attracted to you is likely the "cart", the "horse" pulling everything is much more likely to be her feelings of uselessness and worthlessness- e.g. the depression. There is probably a lot of other unfortunate baggage in the cart right along with you.

2. Your main problem is probably the "horse" listed above- it is driving everything for your wife. You say she is understandably depressed BUT she has no sex drive. The thing is, people who are depressed often lose their sex drive. It's probably more like "She is understandably depressed, one of the effects of depression is, she has lost her sex drive."

So, target the depression. Consider her as having lost a child- the child or children she always imagined she would have. In a sense, she is in mourning. Get her some support:

A. Are you going to try IVF again? If so, give the practitioner a call and let him/her know that your wife is having a really hard time. It's not unusual- the office will probably have some suggestions.

B. If you are going to try IVF again, suggest that your wife participates on the IVF message boards/forums, if she isn't already. I can't remember the ones that I used, but they all had women just like your wife, deeply depressed, and often they had separate "rooms" to discuss multiple failures. 

If you are not going to try again, there are also infertility boards that might be helpful and supportive for her.

C. If you are not going to try again, I recommend getting her to a doctor- a therapist or a psychiatrist- to evaluate her. Talk therapy might be helpful, and/or she might benefit from a short course of meds to help her get through this time of grieving.

D. YOU. You are the best support for her. She married you, and you are the best mirror for her. Remind her of the things that you love about her. Tell her every day (I am serious! Every day!). Just like someone is not their cancer, she is not her infertility; she is Wife, Daughter, Sister (?), Family.She is a woman- she is YOUR woman, the one you vowed to cherish, with or without children. She is loved. 

Frame it for her- this is a horrible, dark, time, but there is life after it; a wonderful life, with a husband who loves her. It might not be the life she dreamed of or hoped for, but you two will create a beautiful life nonetheless. You two are going to grow old together. 

Give it time and support, but ultimately lead her back to helping her see herself as a woman, where sex is a loving act between a husband and wife and totally wonderful, even outside of procreation. 

One last thing- one of the really hard things about infertility is that there are children and pregnant women EVERYWHERE. Every freaking grocery store. Every department store- usually with big Registry signs. On every sidewalk, running park, in cars on the road. On most TV shows, even adults ones. Probably her friends, family, and coworkers are getting pregnant- probably effortlessly! Unless she works from home, chances are she is seeing pregnant women and children and mommies every day.

Can you afford to take her away for an Adults Only vacation? A Sandals or something, where there are NO children, where you two can reconnect? 

Best of luck, and hang in there!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

RoseAglow said:


> Your wife has several significant stressors going on here.
> 
> 1. The entire focus and purpose of IUI and IVF is to manipulate and surge the hormones in order to get your body to release eggs. Our son was conceived via IVF, thankfully it only took the one time. It is a difficult process physically and emotionally. I found the emotional aspect harder than the physical, personally.
> 
> ...


Wow. Very fine analysis. I suppose this is the best advice, although, at some point the sex has to come back or OP might be doomed to a life of no sex. But you did marry her and it might be time to tough it out for a while. for your wife's sake.

On the other hand, if this analysis is off, then having children will make it that much harder later on.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Rose's response is insightful and pure genius. I hope your marriage can accommodate what you both are going through and recover.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> Wow. Very fine analysis. I suppose this is the best advice, although, at some point the sex has to come back or OP might be doomed to a life of no sex. But you did marry her and it might be time to tough it out for a while. for your wife's sake.
> 
> On the other hand, if this analysis is off, then having children will make it that much harder later on.


The OP noted that the sex stopped as soon as they started treatment, which implies that they had a sex prior to it. Also he confirmed that she is depressed- you just don't hear of too many people (men or women) enthusiastic about getting some action when they are deeply depressed. Hopefully he returns and gives some feedback/more info.

Just to give a heads up on the hormonal affect- a woman normally ovulates with one egg. In IVF, the hormones are so incredibly manipulated that the goal is to "ovulate" 12-18 eggs or so (I can't remember the exact amount.) Over 10x the norm!

So if she is doing the IUI and IVF with only short times in between- holy smokes! That is a rough road.

Having been in her shoes somewhat, I find it hard to believe that it hasn't had a big, big effect on her. 

I do agree though that many women "turn off" after marriage and after kids, so even if the lack of sex is due to IVF/depression, it doesn't mean he is in the clear for the future. I'd try to resolve the current issue first, though, and go from there.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Rose's response is insightful and pure genius. I hope your marriage can accommodate what you both are going through and recover.


I don't know about "pure genius" (but I like it!!)- I am glad if my experiences can help someone, though.


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## HomeFrontDadAndMore (Sep 12, 2013)

bbmedic413 said:


> I'll try to keep this brief and to the point. My wife and I were married a little over a year ago. We've been having trouble conceiving. It looks like something with her hormones are the problem. We've done several rounds of IUI, and two rounds of IVF, no success. She has been pretty depressed over this, and rightfully so.
> 
> The problem is, since we started getting fertility help, her sex drive is virtually zero. It just doesn't happen anymore. She isn't even all that receptive to anything more than a hug. She makes no effort to be affectionate at all. She says she loves me, but that's about it. No sign of desire towards me whatsoever. If I didn't occasionally hug her or give her a peck, there would be no affection in our marriage, which is just over a year old. The only exception is that when she is leaving for work, she'll give me a quick peck. This has always been the routine.
> 
> ...


How was your marriage and sex life before the treatments? I'm assuming your W is very committed to becoming a mother with going through the treatment....

My W and I had the same stuff and it was a rough ride.... be patient it will improve AFTER a few years [my experience] of becoming a parent. I always figured it was just an extra test for parenthood.


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## HomeFrontDadAndMore (Sep 12, 2013)

Another question: Is your W a career woman and what are your plans for handling baby, child and kid care to come? I expect, like me, sex is/was important let alone real couple time. These things to come can rock a relationship to the core.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I've been in your shoes. 7 years of infertility treatments including clomid, IUIs, many IVFs, a miscarriage, and finally successful IVF with an egg donor. It's been 3.5 years since baby 1 was born and 1 year since her twin sisters were born.

The sex was great when we dated and good when we married. It disappeared almost completely during infertility treatments and ever since. She equated sex with child making and that turned her off. Now that we have 3 kids, sex is the furthest thing from her mind.

It won't get better. The longer the infertility treatments last, the worse it will get. Then, sex with kids is very tough, especially with someone who, at heart, isn't very sexual to begin with.

Make your choices with my experience in mind. I would kill for sex 1X per week. I'm lucky if I get it 1X per month. She knows it's a problem. Doesn't seem to care much.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP I really feel for both you and your wife. 

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over a year now, with no luck. Before we embarked on this journey, we agreed that we would not go down the IVF road...it wasn't for us. Neither of us were prepared to risk our marriage. My desire for my own child is incredibly strong, I've wanted children all my life...it's how I imagined my future...but not at any cost. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that it's probably not going to happen 

IVF is a long, hard slog, and a huge strain on a marriage. I don't envy the journey you're both on right now 

Could the treatments be put on hold for say 6 months? That would give you a much needed break, and give your marriage a bit more time to strengthen. You could also start counselling, so that if and when you decide to resume the treatment, you'll have a stronger foundation and support system.

I wish you both all the luck in the world...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Rule number 1: don't bring children into a sexless "marriage".


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RoseAglow.....she spoke it all.. to where your wife is coming from...

I can attest that 6 plus years of trying to conceive baby #2 (we had secondary infertility) with all manner of Doc visits/ tests, the roller coaster emotions, did the clomid...nothing...many tears on his shoulder...eventually I had an exploratory Laparoscopy (surgery) ....then it still took another 2 yrs....I have found that fertility makes little sense.... I have seen a # of women told they may never conceive to go on and have a baby yrs later, after they have adopted even.. But I so understand.. it takes a toll on a woman believing when month after month/ year after year ..nothing.. adding the financial cost of what you are dealing with. . I can't even imagine! 

Although I always loved sex.. what happened was.. I became so one tract minded.. I allowed so much of my energy to revolve around my basal body thermometer/ trying to conceive.... My attitude was "Just give me your sperm please"...there were times I told him to wait , I feared if he diminished his count, we'd never get pregnant...

This took a toll on my husband... he started to feel less desired by me...which translates to a man --less loved.... this WAS our Sex life's biggest Monkey Wrench..(the most difficult time for me as a wife -which also makes it hard on any husband) 

Infertility is a rough road for couples.. some don't survive it.. we at least had 1 child so I had much to be thankful for....

There was the most devastating story here on TAM yrs ago....where the husband couldn't take it any more, he wanted kids too, but his wife just shut off, she was so depressed...he was beside himself, drowning just like her...this dragged on for yrs.... he ended up reaching out to another , got this woman pregnant, then when the wife found out, she took her own life.. 

I actually felt sorry for him to...he was looked upon as a monster here...he had to live with this.... I mean.. the devastation all around ..... I just FEEL for your situation, by no means is this easy on the husband either...what has happened to HER happens to YOU..

I don't know that I can add anything more than Rose Aglow has done here.. your wife needs some sort of Hope..to hang on to.

I would ask what the sex life was BEFORE all of this.. if she was an orgasmic enthusiastic woman? From my own situation...I can't say I was ever low drive.... I loved pleasure and needed it at least once a week, nothing really interfered with stopping this.. He just wanted MORE during this time....when we were together, it was always emotionally connecting, I was There in spirit / enthusiasm needing it as much as he did.. I know this helped -that it didn't send my husband into a depression himself...But still I hurt him....he was in his PRIME sexually and he needed filled alot more than was going on ...pretty much he put his needs down for me.. we were in it together... looking back I have many regrets here.. I could have done so much more. 

The thirst for children is a very powerful force...

Whether one is a christian or not, thought I would mention this...Even scripture compares the barren womb to a desert thirsting for water, the grave & a consuming uncontrollable fire... 



> Proverbs 30:16 "The grave; and the barren womb; The earth that is not filled with water; And the fire that saith not, "It is enough."
> 
> The grave is never satisfied. No matter how many are buried today, cemeteries will take more tomorrow. Though death cuts men down by the thousands, there is room for more. The grave never says, "It is enough!" It has an insatiable desire for the bodies of men.
> 
> ...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Great posts in this thread. Much to learn. Not everyone who cheats is a horrble person.

I have friend who is school teacher. She loves children. Her husband didn't want them. Broke her heart. Is often works in other countries for 6 months at time. She cheated but she is not proud of it. She told me she desire for men other than her husband and it disturbed her. He is lucky she stays.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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