# Bad enough to leave? So confused...



## SadTimes (Jun 30, 2009)

I’m a longtime lurker, posting for the first time… I’m at a loss and would like to hear others’ opinions. This is long…

My husband and I have been married for six years. There are many, many things that I love about him—his great sense of humor, his intelligence, his passion and his confidence. It was his confidence and his control over his life that first attracted me to him, and since he has been in my life, I have grown in many ways, largely due to his encouragement. He is my best friend. We are in our late 30s and have no children, by mutual agreement.

And yet, there are other things about him, and about how we relate to one another, that are making it increasingly difficult for me to have any sense of happiness or peace in the relationship.

The confidence and control that first attracted me has become, over the years, something else. He has emerged as a controlling person and it is becoming harder to deal with. For example, he feels it is his prerogative to have the final say over the money decisions in the relationship, even though I earn almost as much as he does. If I suggest a different way to spend some money, if he disagrees, he just says, “No, I don’t want to do that,” or “we’re not doing that,” and I can’t discuss it with him any more. If I try to continue the discussion, he becomes angry and frustrated. Usually he has no rational reason for his decision. It’s as if he just wants to be in control for the sake of being in control. I feel negated when this happens. He does this with other things besides money, but money is the best example.

It is a lot more than that, though. The bottom line is that everything is fine between us as long as I do not challenge him. However, I’ve discovered over the past few months that if I tell him something he is doing is hurting or troubling me, no matter how kindly and calmly I bring it up, he immediately switches into a very defensive mode; and not only that, he turns it back around on me, telling me why it’s MY fault for feeling that way. He tells me I am “ridiculous” for making a big deal out of “nothing.” He uses the word “ridiculous” very frequently to describe my feelings. He will admit no wrong. He almost never apologizes for anything. Any time I try to have a calm, loving discussion with him about something that is bothering me, if it relates to something he’s done, he turns it into a debate and he must WIN the debate.

For example… when he becomes frustrated, he will sometimes lash out at me verbally—yelling, acting very cold, then giving me the silent treatment. This doesn’t happen too often, maybe once a month. I told him this behavior greatly bothers me, and he said it only bothers me because I grew up in a non-confrontational household, that it is normal for married people to yell at each other, and that I need to deal with it. He then went into a ten-minute explication of why my upbringing was harmful to my ability to deal with conflict. He would not consider the possibility that it might be hurtful to yell at your wife. 

Sometimes he calls me a b****. When I object, he tells me I need to “lighten up” and “stop being so sensitive.” He recently told me that of all the times he called me a b****, he really only meant it maybe ten times, the other times he was joking. That didn’t make me feel so great. Recently, he called me a b**** in front of someone else, and it was so humiliating. I tried to tell him it is embarrassing to be called something like that in front of others. If there is one thing I know for sure about myself, it’s that I am not a b****. He is the only person who has ever called me that. Most people in my life call me a very kind and gentle person. He will call me a b**** if I do not speak to him in a way that is neutral or positive. If I speak with any frustration, or am short with him, he calls me a b****. It is as if he doesn’t want me to express any negative feelings.

He refuses to see a medical doctor for a checkup—he has never had a general physical since I’ve known him—and also refuses to take his prescribed medicine from a specialist for a serious, potentially life-threatening health condition. I have tried to talk to him about this, pleading with him to at least take his medicine. He refuses and tells me it is my “separation anxiety” that makes me fear he will die. Again, pushing the problem back onto me. He tells me I need to deal with it because his health is his issue.

He has become very negative in general, always focusing on the negative things in his life, and frequently lashing out at others. Frequent road rage, a lot of complaining about his job, etc. I do think he is depressed.

I have asked him twice in recent months to go with me to a counselor. I have framed it in a non-threatening way—telling him that I think we have difficulty communicating and a counselor could perhaps help us with that. I have told him that I am not happy and that seeing a counselor together could help. His response has been, “NO WAY will I see a counselor. That’s for people with serious problems, not us.” He also tells me I am “ridiculous” for feeling the way I do, and that I pick and choose a few bad things he does and focus on those instead of focusing on everything else that is good. When he said all of this to me the last time, I told him I am thinking of divorce, and he became furious, telling me I crossed a line for saying that. I told him I am thinking of divorce because he will not make an effort to tackle the issues that are making me unhappy—instead he tries to portray my feelings as my fault and something I need to just “deal with.” My opinion is that even if he thinks I’m being ridiculous, if it is that important to me, he should at least try. Anyway, he refuses, and instead, after one of these conversations, he will go out and buy me a gift. He has told me several times, “I will never change.” By the way, he is always very critical of his male friends who “give in” to their wives on things. He told me he hates people who are weak and let others push them around. I wonder if he hates me sometimes, because he certainly pushes me around when he feels like it.

I feel like I am faced with a choice: either leave, or spend the rest of my life modulating how I speak to him, making sure not to bring up topics that he will perceive as criticism, because then he will just verbally attack me and shut down the conversation. He grew up in an abusive environment and I know that a lot of his behavior probably stems from that. 

What do I do? I am so, so sad. Sad at the thought of losing my best friend, but also sad to know that he apparently really does not value me, or he would not treat me this way. A big part of me wants to leave and I feel guilty. I know some people would say our problems are not that bad and I should learn to live with it, but it is so hard. I am so depressed. I know others on here must have been through something similar. I would really like some perspective, mostly because he is telling me I’m blowing it all out of proportion.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

Sounds like he is going thru a mid-life crisis or is bipolor or something. But if he is not willing to change you need to change yourself and how you react to him. (or learn to deal with this)

maybe you should stop depending on him so much for your happiness. you said and admit that he is controling you and wonder if he hates you sometimes. so stand up for yourself. Hopeful there are things that make you happy that you can do without him. I hope you have friends and family close by, or start a hobby.

if you are fighting over money, take your paycheck from him and open your own acct (you are going to need to do this if you divorce him anyway so might as well start one now)

he doesnt like to be challanged, okay, find another way to get what you want. Instead of walking on eggshells, trying to figure how and what to say, write it down and walk out the door. go to lunch or a friends and let him think about. 

Although i dont have a problem with being loud, and yelling and screaming (we come a very loud family)to express your feelings, I do have a problem with the name calling and putting a person down and killing their self estemn. ON one hand he is saying you need to speak up for your self more and you dont like it when he yells because of your non-confrontational upbringing but then if you DO voice your opinion he calls you a b*tch and says you are ridicious. So either way, you cant win. 

No wonder you are depressed and dont feel valued by him. Maybe you need to figure out who you are and where he ends. There are 2 people in a relationship. I am assuming you both work 8-5 40 hours a week? Maybe you need to do things just for yourself. take an art or photo class, join a gym, or anything else that you are interested in. Hopefully by doing so you will find yourself and your inner strength.


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## SadTimes (Jun 30, 2009)

I have a pretty full and fulfilling life separate from him-- a good career, go to the gym, have hobbies and friends, etc. I don't rely on him for happiness, but at the same time, it is hard to be happy when he acts toward me in this way. I have tried every way I can think of to communicate with him and nothing seems to work.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

SadTimes said:


> IMY fault for feeling that way. He tells me I am “ridiculous” for making a big deal out of “nothing.” He uses the word “ridiculous” very frequently to describe my feelings. He will admit no wrong.


its not that he wont admit wrong, he is so incredibly scared to be vulnerable. when he tells you that you are being ridiculous what he's actually saying is, "im so afraid of being vulnerable to you that i will deny anything that provokes that feeling." its not about right and wrong. its about emotional preservation.



SadTimes said:


> Anyway, he refuses, and instead, after one of these conversations, he will go out and buy me a gift.


My H has done this too. but you know, he is trying. you mentioned early that he wasnt trying at all. this is very subtle and perhaps not in your language, but it shows that he recognized he did something wrong and was trying, in his own way, to make amends. you mention several times that he wont admit to being wrong. well, here he just did. He knows he's wrong. he knows what he's doing is wrong.



SadTimes said:


> He told me he hates people who are weak and let others push them around. I wonder if he hates me sometimes, because he certainly pushes me around when he feels like it.


He does hate you, but its not exactly what you think. He hates what you represent- vulnerability. He is weak. and he hates that about himself. Anything that he views as expressing a weakness he will hate. 



SadTimes said:


> What do I do? I am so, so sad. Sad at the thought of losing my best friend, but also sad to know that he apparently really does not value me, or he would not treat me this way.


I know what you mean. I came to this realization with my H about a year ago. The fact is your H does not value you. he's in self preservation mode. And im really sorry for what you are going through. when i had this realization, that my H didnt really love me, i was so crushed. im still recovering. 

Go to counseling on your own. work through your own needs in all this.


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## Nobody123 (Jun 23, 2009)

I am also in the same boat but I've been married for 28 years. My H was my best friend; he was handsome, kind and somewhat controlling. If I argue or disagree with him, he will get upset and dish out silent treatment. Even though I have similar income as him and handle all the household chores, I never felt I was appreciated. My opinion and my feelings matter very little to him. I lost my best friend long time ago. 

I couldn't leave before since we have kids and I don't want them to grow up in a broken family. I have put up with his attitude for a long time. When we were younger, he forbid me to cut my hair or alter my hair style; if I disobeyed, he would just move out to another bedroom. It was very hurtful and things haven't really improved. He always wants to have his way. I don't believe that he can ever change. As the years go by, I begin to resent him more and more. The kids have grown and I am seeing less and less reason for me to stay. I am thinking about leaving too; I just wish I did it earlier.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

There are three reasons to leave someone, abuse, adultery and addiction...you certainly have grounds to walk away from this and why you haven't already is beyond me.

Manipulative and verbally abusive...and you continue to put up with it to what end? If you have all the things you say you have to make your life complete, where is the strength you need to walk away from this?

Preacher


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

I've been learning and reading about emotional abuse, and everything you say fits the template exactly for emotional abuse. When I talked to the domestic violence hotline lady, she said emotional abusers don't change. It's really scary, I know.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

JDPreacher said:


> There are three reasons to leave someone, abuse, adultery and addiction...you certainly have grounds to walk away from this and why you haven't already is beyond me.
> 
> Manipulative and verbally abusive...and you continue to put up with it to what end? If you have all the things you say you have to make your life complete, where is the strength you need to walk away from this?
> 
> Preacher


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

If my dh called me b*tch once it would be the last time; I'd tell him to leave and not let the door hit him in the a$$ on the way out. You are not a child or a dog, you are a person.

Screw him. Let him find some other person to abuse.


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## SadTimes (Jun 30, 2009)

Thank you all for your insights. I really appreciate it. I guess you can see from the responses why I have been confused and struggling. Some people might say that I should change or make more of an effort to understand him; others would say to leave because he is emotionally abusive. I go back and forth, but I am really coming to believe that I should leave. If you have not been in a relationship like this, it is hard to describe how completely the other person can make you doubt your own feelings and perceptions, and that has made it tough to make a decision.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

"If you have not been in a relationship like this, it is hard to describe how completely the other person can make you doubt your own feelings and perceptions, and that has made it tough to make a decision. "

That's the manipulation and emotionally abusive part...you've seen it, you can recognize it...now do something.

Preacher


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## SadTimes (Jun 30, 2009)

I am going to talk to a lawyer next Monday for an initial consultation. If anyone has been through this I would appreciate any advice...


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

> If you have not been in a relationship like this, it is hard to describe how completely the other person can make you doubt your own feelings and perceptions, and that has made it tough to make a decision.


I have been in a relationship like that and do know how hard it is to hold on to yourself and to what you know to be true about you when you have someone treating you that way each day. Once I left, it was an amazing relief. Yes, lots of sadness. Yes, lots of pain. Yes, it took time to heal. But mostly it was one big huge sigh of relief.


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