# Feeling upset over this guy. Do you think I have a right to be upset?



## kol (Sep 24, 2016)

I have been single for a while now and went through a divorce about a year ago so I am pretty new to dating again. I was also pretty guarded as I have been hurt a lot and had severe trust issues. I got talking to a guy online who was from my home country. We only picked each other up because he had been to where I live on vacation, but by the time we had matched he was back in our home country (I live here in USA and he lives in England). 

He kept talking and talking and I love conversation with anyone so was talking back and then eventually we started doing phone calls, Skype one time, and were basically talking every day. He then booked a vacation to come back to the USA and was going to be in my town. I was so excited. We had basically said we knew we couldn't have anything because of distance but wanted to hang out, and he told me he wasn't pursuing anyone in England because he doesn't want to live there permanently, and he wasn't talking to any other girls like he was talking to me.

So he finally comes to town and we hang out a few times, we basically say we think we connect well and all but distance sucks and if we ever lived in the same town we would want to see how things go and spent the best part of 2 days together hanging out. We then in the heat of the moment ended up sleeping together and I spent the night with him.

We had said the next day which was Wednesday that we would at the very least get dinner together on Thursday, because he was leaving town today, and Friday night he had plans to see a band in town so there really wasn't any other time to hang out except Thursday evening as I work full time so I am busy all day.

So Thursday he said he would let me know by 4pm the plans etc and where he would be (I leave work at 4 and he was staying close to my work so it made sense to meet from there rather than later as I live a good 45 mins away from my work). So it gets to 4pm and I have heard nothing so I leave work and start heading home, and at 4:05pm I get a message saying "Sorry I forgot I was supposed to let you know, I have plans tonight now so can't hang." I got pretty upset and said I kinda figured that was going to happen, and honestly it just seems like he slept with me and now is blowing me off. He said he knows it looks that way but really isn't like that, and basically in the end told me he was hanging out with another girl he had been talking to also. 

So I got pretty upset and said you told me you weren't speaking to any other girls in this capacity, and now you're saying there is another girl you are seeing, and he said well it is just a friend, and I said yes but we were just friends and look what happened, and he said well that is life.

So I basically told him I felt totally used and If I knew he was talking to other girls here I would never have slept with him. Yes I made the decision to, and yes I knew we couldn't have a relationship, but I honestly thought we liked each other and distance was in-between us, but now I basically feel totally used and last minute canceled for some other girl.

So I ended up saying do you even care or want to talk anymore, and he said at this point he doesn't care if we talk anymore or not and to have a good night (that was Thursday night). I told him that I basically didn't want things to end this way etc, and he read that but didn't reply and hasn't said a word since.

I feel totally crushed and he just left town this morning. I know people will probably read this and say I shouldn't have slept with him and all of that, but I did and I chose to do that because I wanted to, but I guess I am just wanting some input from some people outside of the situation. Being single do you think I even have a right to be upset at this situation? I don't like how things were left, and I dunno if I should try and talk to him or just leave it alone.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Wow, this British guy in the band is certainly making his way with the ladies in the USA! 
We had a similar story here a while back. 

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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

He flaked in you. That sucks. But you did have a fling type relationship in which things could not reasonably progress due to distance. You decided to take it physical despite knowing that this would probably be it. Would you have done it had you known he would be going out with another girl during the same trip - no, it sounds like you wouldn't have. 

Which leads me to believe that you took this relationship more seriously than the situation called for. It wasn't exclusive. In fact, you acknowledge that he had other spinning plates, just none as serious as you. 

My perspective is that your perspective is slightly askew. You had a nice fling with a man that you knew was unavailable for a LTR. And now you're upset that it didn't pan out to be a LTR. 

Now, don't get me wrong - he definitely treated this relationship lightly. My question to you is why didn't you also? What was your goal? For him to be exclusive with you for the entire trip? You put too much weight and emotional energy in this. 

Two responses were appropriate:

1. Screw that other girl. Meet up with me and I'll remind you why we had plans. 

2. Oh, ok. Have fun. Catch you later (and you go out with plan B). 

You wanted the hookup. Enjoy the fact that it happened. If you want s more committed relationship, seek that out. This wasn't it. 


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

This is a very familiar story, it happens time and time again.

He just wanted the sex, you were an achievement, another notch in his belt.

You'll probably never hear from him again.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

caruso said:


> This is a very familiar story, it happens time and time again.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




IDK, some guys keep coming back. Right? :-/


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## kol (Sep 24, 2016)

I think it was more that he made it sound like it was just the distance that was standing in the way, and there were no other girls he was talking to or anything like that, so I didn't really feel like just one of many he was pursuing for a holiday hook up, but now I really feel like that is all it was.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

What I do not understand, and I mean no offense kol, but why did he go through all the time, trouble and expense (flying from England to the U.S. is not cheap) for a booty call? He could have done this in his native country much easier.


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## kol (Sep 24, 2016)

I agree Reckon. I don't understand why he wouldn't just try and get this in his home country rather than keeping this up with me for 3 months long distance chatting before coming here to visit.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Look at the silver lining...You made someone fly thousands of miles to see you. You must have something going on! And to top it all off you got laid but didn't spend a dime and you don't have jet lag.


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## kol (Sep 24, 2016)

Haha. Well he wasn't just coming to see me, but I guess wanted to meet me. So you think I am best to not bother contacting him again?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

There are better guys. And local. 

You are being selfish. You are high quality and lots of other guys would enjoy your company. 

Embrace the "Buy Local" trend.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

kol said:


> Haha. Well he wasn't just coming to see me, but I guess wanted to meet me. So you think I am best to not bother contacting him again?


You decide, but I'd say you should be you and let him be him. What's you're Skype number? 
Ha ha. Just kidding.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Haiku said:


> You decide, but I'd say you should be you and let him be him. What's you're Skype number?
> 
> Ha ha. Just kidding.




I was going to ask the same thing. 

Young lady, don't pursue him.  The distance wont work. You deserve better.


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## kol (Sep 24, 2016)

Thank you guys for putting a smile on my face, I needed that. I don't feel a spark often with people. I started thinking there is something wrong with me honestly, because I just don't feel I meet someone I like in all categories, so when I do and it doesn't work out it is a major bummer. I am just surprised after all that talking that it ended this way, and didn't want it to. He also told me the sex meant something, and I thought the whole not caring if we talk anymore was him just being annoyed in the moment.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Take him at his word. He said he did not care. You don't say that if you really want to continue a relationship. 

Please don't look for hidden meaning or excuses.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

kol said:


> Haha. Well he wasn't just coming to see me, but I guess wanted to meet me. So you think I am best to not bother contacting him again?


*Yes! There are far better guys out there for you! You will ultimately find some guy who is just as crazy about you as you are about them!

Please just chalk this guy up to "experience!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

For someone with supposed trust issues, you sure did trust him super fast.

my advice would be to be more cautious in the future.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A little over a month ago you posted about this guy under a different user name. Here is a link to that thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...0-long-distance-guy-i-like-being-distant.html

A person is allowed to have only one account on TAM. I'm going to ban your other account. Right now I'm assuming it's just a mistake.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Ughh. So this is the guy who you met on Tinder, who said he was too busy to date and who was unable to talk to you because no wifi at some dog's house? 

You were advised not to sleep with him on the first meeting. @MrsAldi

You ignored all the advice in your other thread. 

Will you follow the advice here?

BTW, i still think he is married.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

kol said:


> I think it was more that he made it sound like it was just the distance that was standing in the way, and there were no other girls he was talking to or anything like that, so I didn't really feel like just one of many he was pursuing for a holiday hook up, but now I really feel like that is all it was.


I'm sure Romeo made sure to have several women on his fishing line before he invested in a plane ticket to travel to the US in order to be able to hit them all in a week.

Unfortunately for you, you were just one of a several.

I wouldn't contact this assclown if you *paid* me. He's made it abundantly clear to you that he's not invested at all.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP you are making this way to complicated. I doubt the guy spent months playing the online game just so he could come lay you, honestly a guy doesn't want to put that much time an effort into it. I would guess he actually liked your online persona, but once he met you face to face things didn't click. The sex was probably just a "why not", he was horny, you were horny, you're both adults. 

You would be a fool to ever contact this guy again, and you would be foolish to ever try another LDR. The person you think you're talking with online usually ends up being very different face to face, that's probably a lesson you and he both learned.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Ughh. So this is the guy who you met on Tinder, who said he was too busy to date and who was unable to talk to you because no wifi at some dog's house?
> 
> You were advised not to sleep with him on the first meeting. @MrsAldi
> 
> ...


This guy is a charmer and a player. 
But he already stated to you in your previous thread that he was not interested in a relationship. When they say that it means "I just want sex". 

Word of advice for the future, if a guy hasn't got time to text you in reality, he's not really all that bothered about you. 
The minding the dogs thing was a ridiculous excuse but obvious player tactical display. 

If a man really likes you, he will want to be in communication, especially long distance, all the time. He will make time.

You're a nice lady, you will find a better man than this, move on and forget about him. 

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