# Attmpting to save marriage - Need advice



## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Hi. New here. Probably see that alot.

Background: I'm turning 40 next year, my wife is 12yr younger, been married 4+ and have two toddlers.

The relationship had been difficult over the last few as the boys along with our work and her schooling had caused a stale. In a last ditch effort (she lied and said that she had filed for divorce and I just hadn't received the papers yet...) she awoke me from a very long life funk. In the short period since this discussion, I have done a lot of things to better myself and the environment for the house. She says she sees it too and we have had some really great days and nights of reconnecting since.

My problem is that I know that there is someone else. I really don't think it has gotten physical beyond kissing once or twice that she had gone out the the bar as I stayed with the kids. I have seen an unrecognized, uncontacted number with texts and calls a few times during this that were deleted the next time I looked. The most recent one was a night where she was very intoxicated and upset at me, she slept it off as I got up with the kids and saw texts of "I'm at the bar" and "Why won't you talk to me?"

Well, I jotted down the number and did some of the internet things I am good at and found out that it is a guy. I have access to her phone records and text in/outs and there have been WAY too many, including disturbing times, late night, as soon as she had a free moment and more.

She seems to be very excited about my change and our change in relationship. The kissing, hugging, playfullness, everything seems on the way up. Since I have instant access to what she does on the phone, this guy is still texting, she is responding and I have seen some calls. Honestly, it looks like it decreasing but it hasn't stopped yet. How long do I let this go on before I confront the communications in a very "Looked at the statement, ton of calls to this person at weird hours, who is it?" way?


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Don't mention anything until you have plenty of evidence to back things up. You might want to install something on her phone and computer in order to look over her texts and emails. A tracking device on her car and a voice activated recorder taped under the drivers seat would be a good ideas as well. What you want is as much evidence as possible so there's no room for denial on her part. From experience I can tell you that if you jump too soon you will be trapped in denial and then possibly just drive the affair further underground.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Rereading my post again, another reason I don't think that it has gotten beyond kissing (which breaks my heart still) is she has no time to. The beginning of her communications with this guy started about a month ago and I believe in my soul that she thought about me and our family even if he made-out in the parking lot.

As I said, I have phone and text records between the two numbers from beginning to current and can use that if needed. I am praying that she ends whatever relationship she has with this person. I understand that this fella is going to continue to peruse her for a bit and because of the secretive nature, she won't want to involve me as she fends if off, if she does.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

voice said:


> Rereading my post again, another reason I don't think that it has gotten beyond kissing (which breaks my heart still) is she has no time to. The beginning of her communications with this guy started about a month ago and I believe in my soul that she thought about me and our family even if he made-out in the parking lot.
> 
> As I said, I have phone and text records between the two numbers from beginning to current and can use that if needed. I am praying that she ends whatever relationship she has with this person. I understand that this fella is going to continue to peruse her for a bit and because of the secretive nature, she won't want to involve me as she fends if off, if she does.


You're going to be making a huge mistake. The way to end things is to take care of matters yourself. I bet you never thought your wife would do something like that correct? Now you're going to just hope that she has seen the light and cut things off? If you do nothing you will just enable this affair to continue. Take the advice I and other here will give you because we have been down this road before.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't sit back and wait for it to get worse. Confront her and tell her that it stop now. No more contact, or the marriage ends. This is your wife don't play games at this point.

Also she no longer goes out to bars without you. Shell call you controlling, too bad. Kissing is cheating and is a deal breaker, so she has lots the opporutuniy to go drinking alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Yea, the going out alone stops. Very tempted to call out her friend that has gone out with her too, letting this happen.

I'm currently monitoring the phone and it looks like there were a bunch of incoming texts from the number without reply until much later. It also looks like he is blocking his number now. Signs of good, will continue to watch and be very aware.

Jeesus, hopefully, years from now while we have discussion about life and what we've been through it can be looked back at as a good thing, not the emotional cheating but the changes it brought out in me and where our family went from there.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

The problem is if you continue to sit back and do nothing about this I can almost guarantee there will be no chance of discussing anything years from now. If it happened once it can and will happen again unless action is taken.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your plan is to ride it out and rug sweep. Sounds painless,but it's creating a rotting spot at the heart of you marriage. Sure it seems easier than dealing with it, but understand that she consciously, or unconsciously will loose respect and attraction for you from this. Why? It's because you the man failed to keep his woman or fight off the other male. Even if you never knew about it. 

By confronting her, demanding it ends immediately, or their are big consequences you are showing her you are a stong male with strong self esteem. You are desirable and will defend against other men taking your woman.

Ignore it and rug sweep and it WIlL happen again, perhss with another guy and perhaps go farther.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Voice,

I would give you the same advice I gave makingsenseofit.

" 1) You can drop this other relationship (immediately) and we can work together on creating a mutually happy marriage.

2) You can choose to wreck your home, marriage, and family. You can move forward on your own.

I will help you in achieving your choice. We can get busy saving our marriage, or we can get busy packing your stuff and moving you down the road. If your choice is to leave this marriage, we can let our lawyers determine how things will be split up later, for now, you need to remove yourself from this home.Again, the choice is yours. I will support your decision and help you move forward. What’s it going to be?"


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> The problem is if you continue to sit back and do nothing about this I can almost guarantee there will be no chance of discussing anything years from now. If it happened once it can and will happen again unless action is taken.


Agree which comes back to my original question of when? I think I allready know the answer though. It's not going to be now. I've been through enough fighting and crying the last couple and I don't need it today, as long as I can monitor it. If it stops cold, I'll give it a bit (wait on a phone statement for hard evidence instead of showing my snooping). If it doesn't stop soon, I'm gonna address it by weeks end.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

voice said:


> Agree which comes back to my original question of when? I think I allready know the answer though. It's not going to be now. I've been through enough fighting and crying the last couple and I don't need it today, as long as I can monitor it. If it stops cold, I'll give it a bit (wait on a phone statement for hard evidence instead of showing my snooping). If it doesn't stop soon, I'm gonna address it by weeks end.


You still need to gather more evidence anyway so no it doesn't have to be today. It also helps not to be in such a highly emotional state when you do decide to hit her with it.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> You still need to gather more evidence anyway so no it doesn't have to be today. It also helps not to be in such a highly emotional state when you do decide to hit her with it.


Its gonna be the only physical evidence I will have. As said, I know its a guy from working with the phone number. Heck, I got a picture of him, his address and his resume too.

With the phone records, I can mention the extra charges from the directory calls that I looked at and saw a large amount of calls to the number at very awkward times and it's one that's not recognized. "Who is it?"

Personally I like that idea as it leaves the window open for her to be honest with me or to lie with me knowing the truth. It will be a test of where she and we are.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

voice said:


> Its gonna be the only physical evidence I will have. As said, I know its a guy from working with the phone number. Heck, I got a picture of him, his address and his resume too.
> 
> With the phone records, I can mention the extra charges from the directory calls that I looked at and saw a large amount of calls to the number at very awkward times and it's one that's not recognized. "Who is it?"
> 
> Personally I like that idea as it leaves the window open for her to be honest with me or to lie with me knowing the truth. It will be a test of where she and we are.


Do you know anything about the guy? Is he married?


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Your plan is to ride it out and rug sweep. Sounds painless,but it's creating a rotting spot at the heart of you marriage. Sure it seems easier than dealing with it, but understand that she consciously, or unconsciously will loose respect and attraction for you from this. Why? It's because you the man failed to keep his woman or fight off the other male. Even if you never knew about it.
> 
> By confronting her, demanding it ends immediately, or their are big consequences you are showing her you are a stong male with strong self esteem. You are desirable and will defend against other men taking your woman.
> 
> ...


Agree completely. As stated, this will not go left undiscussed. It's just a matter of when I have to show my cards when she probably doesn't think I know...


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> Do you know anything about the guy? Is he married?


Do not know anything that isn't on his recent resume. Crazily funny thing about that is that it's online, includes how he was laid off and his prior employments. One common theme of my wife's angers is I didn't do as much with my career as I could have...


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

It's a hard thing to do but you almost want her to feel comfortable as possible and slip up. Since you're on the look out for things now you should be able to scoop up the evidence.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Agree. And if a "I need to go out for a bit" night comes up in the very near future, I have allready arranged for an oncall babysitter to pursue.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

You're doing the smart thing. I did it the wrong way because I didn't know any better and didn't come to a place like this to seek advice first. I blew up and confronted too soon before gathering enough evidence. I allowed for the typical denial, excuses, and only getting as much as she figured I knew out of her. Actually, I feel I did have a lot of evidence but I approached things for too angry and upset. If I could do it again I would of sat her down calmly and presented everything I knew.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Well a great night at home. As mentioned before, the energy between us and in the house has grown considerably from where it was a bit back. Playfulness, kissing, talking and stuff like that. We decorated for Halloween and did some craft stuff. "You never used to do stuff like this with me before..." Honestly, I was enjoying myself and I am trying my best to keep my energy up.

I see what she does now with this other guy, as far as the phone goes. As soon as she's out of the house, she texts him, I guess letting him know that it's ok to communicate. The way yesterday looked on her phone, where she was trying to end it and he was trying to hold on, that there would of been calls or texts past when she got home and I could of called her out then, but it didn't happen. Good thing is that she does not contact him during this time either which she had been doing prior. 

Watching the phone today there was the OK text followed by numerous texts by him and an occasional reply. Seeing this, I have also been overly aggressive with my calls and texts. Keeping me in her mind, maybe increasing the chance of a goof-up. 

Quietly watching and still keeping hopes up, we have a date night Friday where if I don't see things stop on the phone I will be asking her about it.

thanks for the replies. I don't have a lot of people that I can talk to between people that wouldn't understand or gossipers.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you know when she is texting him, have you tried sending your own during the same window? Basically c*** block him!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

You should also keep something in mind. There are two behaviors towards you that can happen during an affair. A decrease in your sexual activity and sometimes non at all. Second, an increase in your normal sexual activity. Don't be fooled by what's going on. From the sounds of things this affair is still going on strong. If there's contact then it's not over. You cannot feel good about what's going on inside of your home while you know what's going on.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> If you know when she is texting him, have you tried sending your own during the same window? Basically c*** block him!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yea, basically what I'm trying to do.



MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> You should also keep something in mind. There are two behaviors towards you that can happen during an affair. A decrease in your sexual activity and sometimes non at all. Second, an increase in your normal sexual activity. Don't be fooled by what's going on. From the sounds of things this affair is still going on strong. If there's contact then it's not over. You cannot feel good about what's going on inside of your home while you know what's going on.


I am well aware of that the two feelings and it is eating me up inside that there is still communication. The only thing keeping me alive is hope and cigarettes. Everything is leading up to this weekend. She's just getting done with her time of the month. As just stated, we have a date night on Fri. That is my D day if communication has not completely halted by that point.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> If you know when she is texting him, have you tried sending your own during the same window? Basically c*** block him!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was just thinking also. Since you have the guys number either text him or call him yourself. I would go the text route since a call would most likely result in you getting hung up on. A text will get him the message and you don't even care if he responds or not. I must stress though that I would do this in conjunction with informing your wife of everything. This contact with him would be part of the exposure. You basically tell him you're aware of the contact between him and your wife and it's going to stop immediately. This then gets followed up with a no contact letter from your wife. You let it be known it's time for this guy to go away.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I recommend against contacting him,esspecially from your own phone. Now if you did want to play games, get a pay as you go phone, hide it, and text him, but not as you, as Tiffany a girl who just wants to talk to someone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I recommend against contacting him,esspecially from your own phone. Now if you did want to play games, get a pay as you go phone, hide it, and text him, but not as you, as Tiffany a girl who just wants to talk to someone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand but I don't see it as playing games. I see it as being a man and letting this person know that she's your wife.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He doesn't care. She has Lilly told him you are a crazy evil bad person,or that she is leaving you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

I see a contact with him right this second as something that would halt any progress my wife and I had made. It would let her know, and him know to use against me that I have been snooping or whatever.

Friday I have ample non-snooping reason to bring it up and will. I really want to see if she lies and tells me something other than what I know. The rest will depend on that.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Sigh, she's loving this now. The loving husband and the exciting OM fighting for her attention and affection. All you're doing is feeding her ego right now, I have 2 men who want me badly and the more you wait to fix it the worse it can get.

At the beginning of my A, I was extremely nice to the wife again, loving, caring, lovey/dovey and all. Always taking care of her, making sure she was ok, keeping her happy. Why, because if she was happy she wouldn't think twice that I might be having an affair.

Only after I started having feelings for the OW did I not give a *bleep* anymore about how my wife felt.

Not saying this is happening but if she's still texting the OM you're in deep **** if you let this go on like this.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Well F-bomb. Hadn't thought about it like that. Thanks on the new perspective.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Well, update on the days phone so far. The OM and her have not talked once. There have been a some texts from him and one or two text replies a good time after. Pray for me!

Since we've had a few good days since my revelations and I feel that there has been a decrease in communication, I sent her flowers at work today. Something I hadn't done in a very long time . In the card I used "your biggest admirer" and "your husband" and the reason was to wish her to have a great day. She called back like a little school girl saying her office mates called her spoiled and she was blushing.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Good to hear that things are looking up. Don't let your guard down though, but don't push too hard either in your diligence.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> Good to hear that things are looking up. Don't let your guard down though, but don't push too hard either in your diligence.


Thanks. I am not counting any chickens before they hatch though, and my guard is up for the foreseeable future. If by some incredible blessing from above this is what I'm hoping it is, the biggest challenge is going to be the first time she goes out without me. Mind you, its NEVER going to be solo again, but with her friend that has allowed this to happen.

My wife and I have done so much for her friend with our finances, home and so forth. We have been her support through some very bad relationships including a bad marriage of her own, I can't believe that she wouldn't be the mind of reason to my wife and allow her to make such poor decisions. It is something I am going to have to address with her.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Being blunt the bottom line is that you cannot be hopeful about your relationship while your wife is carrying on an affair. She's not into your relationship if she's carrying on with some other guy. When this is exposed there's going to be a lot of healing that will have to take place as well.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

voice said:


> Thanks. I am not counting any chickens before they hatch though, and my guard is up for the foreseeable future. If by some incredible blessing from above this is what I'm hoping it is, the biggest challenge is going to be the first time she goes out without me. Mind you, its NEVER going to be solo again, but with her friend that has allowed this to happen.
> 
> My wife and I have done so much for her friend with our finances, home and so forth. We have been her support through some very bad relationships including a bad marriage of her own, I can't believe that she wouldn't be the mind of reason to my wife and allow her to make such poor decisions. It is something I am going to have to address with her.


The problem I see here is that you don't have conclusive evidence regarding the exact level of your wife's involvement, either now or in the past. If you confront her directly, you run a lot of risk of being too heavy, letting anger get through and causing additional collateral damage. But her friend is another story. You can confront the friend directly, and if she finds your exchange a little unpleasant, what is she going to do? You could demand that the friend give up the OG and visit him too. A serious expression of your loyalty to your wife to these other individuals could go a long way in cooling things down. I am always impressed with the amount of respect people give a man with regards to his feelings about his wife's faithfulness


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Just an update on my situation for anyone following...

Yesterday was the first day since the phone communication between my wife and the OM began that they did not communicate once over the phone, much less the numerous times prior. She did not call him, he did not call her. THERE IS HOPE!!! 

There was texting. As mentioned before, yesterday, she texted him as soon as she left the house, the it's clear. It was considerably less than was, especially on her part. Another part of wishful thinking here is that the texting stopped earlier than usual.

We'll see how today goes. She's already texted me twice, so she's active. Our date night is tomorrow. Gonna be interesting...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you do realize that in some case you can retrieve the deleted texts, what kind of phone is she using?


(I wish this was in the CWI section because they would have been suggesting this for a while now)


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> you do realize that in some case you can retrieve the deleted texts, what kind of phone is she using?
> 
> 
> (I wish this was in the CWI section because they would have been suggesting this for a while now)


Verizon service - Samsung intensity sch-u460 slide. If this works, WOW! I will at least become a forum supporter if not more.

Thanks


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Oh, and the text did go out this AM, he didn't reply so she called after a bit, short call, probably left a message. Since there have been one or two texts....


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

You need to take care of this situation instead of just sitting and hoping. Your wife is having an affair and you have received plenty of advice on how you should handle this situation.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well that phone doesn't run on an OS like android and sync with the computer to create a backup from what I can tell, thus you'll have to do the sim card reader route
google sim card readers and you can get a decent one for $20
you will need some time to access the phone, take out the sim card, and insert it into the reader while it's hooked up to your computer (do it while she's asleep?)
now sim card readers will retrieve some deleted texts as texts don't get permanently deleted until they are written over


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Im on it. This weekend is coming up and it's on. I'm petrified but it has to be done. I'm carrying the evidence home with me and will be ready.

Two things will happen. One, she will want to go out, with her accomplice friend or worse solo. If she says this it's full out disclosure of what I know. Two, she is complacent enough that she doesn't have to go out but the communication continues. I will then go to the original plan of finding the crazy amount of calls and texts to the unrecognized number at awkward times and when I had the chance to check the phone all records were deleted though others in that span weren't and what's going on?


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> well that phone doesn't run on an OS like android and sync with the computer to create a backup from what I can tell, thus you'll have to do the sim card reader route
> google sim card readers and you can get a decent one for $20
> you will need some time to access the phone, take out the sim card, and insert it into the reader while it's hooked up to your computer (do it while she's asleep?)
> now sim card readers will retrieve some deleted texts as texts don't get permanently deleted until they are written over


You are a GOD! I will p/u one today and test it first on mine as I have the same type. Man I really wanna know whats being said. I have goosebumps thinking about it.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

voice said:


> I will p/u one today and test it first on mine as I have the same type.


"Regarding your concern your Samsung Intensity does not have any simcard, if you wanna activate the phone please try to coordinate with your service provider for further assistance."

There is a jack where the sim card looks like it would be though. The label says micro SD and on the metal covering it says ho4P. I'm assuming this is for a memory card which I have a micro SD for our camera. If I put the card in there for a day and take it out the next do you think I would be able to see anything?


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Or what about the recharge cord that has the usb connection?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

voice said:


> "Regarding your concern your Samsung Intensity does not have any simcard, if you wanna activate the phone please try to coordinate with your service provider for further assistance."
> 
> There is a jack where the sim card looks like it would be though. The label says micro SD and on the metal covering it says ho4P. I'm assuming this is for a memory card which I have a micro SD for our camera. If I put the card in there for a day and take it out the next do you think I would be able to see anything?


so no sim card exists in the phone? ouch- do you know if she hooks up the phone to the computer for updates or anything like that?


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> so no sim card exists in the phone? ouch- do you know if she hooks up the phone to the computer for updates or anything like that?


Never hooked up. Its a crappy phone.

On a bright note, I haven't seen a call or text to or from the guy and there has been a slue of texts and calls to the accomplice GF. My work in proving that I haven't died yet might of paid off.

I will continuously watch and am ready to address this at any moment. Depending on what transpires, I may hold off a bit as to not make her regret her decision and let a small window go by before bringing up my information.

I am still so scared on how I am going to react the first time her and her "friend" want to go out, even if there hasn't been any contact with the OM.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Maybe she'll forget to delete the texts to the friend and I can get a scratch insight into whats going on later...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

is it just texts or does she call too?

I ask because you can get a $30 VAR (voice activated recorder) and place it where she's making her calls (like the car, tape it under the seat)


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I also looked into mobile spy ware for that phone and there is no program to get for that phone, geeze if I ever need a phone for keeping secrets I know which one to get now....


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Thanks so much for trying.

Here's the latest. After the calls and texts to the acomplice, she sends an outgoing text to the OM and he calls (hidden number but duh) and they talk for 9 minutes. I'm shaking right now.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> is it just texts or does she call too?
> 
> I ask because you can get a $30 VAR (voice activated recorder) and place it where she's making her calls (like the car, tape it under the seat)


Yes to calls, not as frequent as were. Most are done from work. A smoker, I'm sure she steps outside and I wouldn't be able to secure such a device.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well based on that info, I'm 99.8% certain she's engaged in an inappropriate relationship

the problem with confronting without proof is that she will gaslight you (make you seem crazy or overly jealous) and claim it's "just a friendship"


thus you have the following options-

1) wait until she goes out as you indicated and follow her and catch her in the act
2) hire a PI (gets expensive)
3) next time she gets a text just run up and snatch the damn phone (risky)
4) check the phone while she's sleeping to see if she's dumb enough to not delete the texts
5) Contact a coworker that you know she doesn't like and see if he/she knows anything or can help (risky)

or....(and this one takes a strong ability to pull it off)

6) you bluff and tell her you already know a lot (dont tell her how you "know") and if she doesn't confess everything now that you will file for divorce (you could even hold a stack of printer paper that has non-sense that you don't let see, so she thinks you have printouts of her texts)


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

voice said:


> Thanks so much for trying.
> 
> Here's the latest. After the calls and texts to the acomplice, she sends an outgoing text to the OM and he calls (hidden number but duh) and they talk for 9 minutes. I'm shaking right now.


I'm so sorry you're going through this and believe me many of us here know how you feel. You most certainly need to address this with her but like has been discussed you have to make sure to have as much evidence as possible as to not allow denial to take over.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> well based on that info, I'm 99.8% certain she's engaged in an inappropriate relationship
> 
> the problem with confronting without proof is that she will gaslight you (make you seem crazy or overly jealous) and claim it's "just a friendship"
> 
> ...


I have printed phone and text records, have a picture, address and resume of the OM from the internets. I have seen one or two of the texts, nothing which indicates anything going on but can reference them if needed.

Again, right now, very, very close monitoring is in call with me HAVING to bring it up once our relationship is a scratch more stable. Again, she had threatened to leave and divorce but never mentioned the OM. I have no intentions to give her a reason to go back, especially in this state if what I hope has just happen has in fact occurred.

The only time it's going to get brought up immediately is if the conversations continue to the weekend or at the first time she, with or without her friend, has the need to go out without me.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> I'm so sorry you're going through this and believe me many of us here know how you feel. You most certainly need to address this with her but like has been discussed you have to make sure to have as much evidence as possible as to not allow denial to take over.


I really believe it was a conversation telling him it's over. I really, really do...

**** me if it's not.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well the relationship will not improve while she's engaged in an affair

read my CWI newbie link in my signature

you are in a super bad spot and that calls for drastic action that will seem counter intuitive for you to do

you need to do something or else it will get worse, if you dont think you get proof right away then I do suggest confrontation if youre strong enough to weather the BS that she will throw at you and the strength to say you are leaving her if she doesn't tell the truth.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

voice said:


> I really believe it was a conversation telling him it's over. I really, really do...
> 
> **** me if it's not.



it matters not- she still had the affair and you cant just hope it goes away and you need to address it


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> it matters not- she still had the affair and you cant just hope it goes away and you need to address it


Agree 100% and will. I just gotta pick my time. At the latest, the communication stops and I bring it up next week. At earliest, this weekend when the communication continues or she wants to go out.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I often wonder in these cases why the BS doesn't go out and buy nice new phones complete with preinstsll spyware and make it a gift to the WS. That way you pick the perfect gotcha phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I often wonder in these cases why the BS doesn't go out and buy nice new phones complete with preinstsll spyware and make it a gift to the WS. That way you pick the perfect gotcha phone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's close. I have her on the company account, thus I have the access to what she's been doing. I have only learned the extent of what has/had been going on for about a week now. I wouldn't of hesitated going in that direction if I had found out earlier.

The recent story of how the cheater had been found out using the iphone caught my attention during suspicions and it would of been another here...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

funny how that one story made the news, we've been helping catch cheaters on iphones for a while now


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

How about buying her an Iphone 4s, so you can get all the incoming and outgoing messages. And you can use the program "Find My Friends" to track where she is, at all time.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

LOFL. OM calls her 630ish after dinner. She scoops it up and says "Hey ~accomplice~ I was just gonna call you..."

She takes it outside...

Brings it back in and I overhear "You never know what someone will do..."

I assumed it was the accomplice but I just checked and it was him.



Lookin more like tomorrow is gonna be the day that I call it out unless something crazy happens.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Well, I don't feel bad jumping to conclusions considering whats going on, but verizon filled in the missing phone number and it was the accomplice. 

Other than that last night, things went pretty well. Had a few drinks, worked on the boys costumes, watched a seasonal favorite movie of hers.

Cleaning the pearlys before bed, when I got in she was nekkid and wanted some lovin.

I so want to see that she doesn't text the guy giving the ok to talk this am...


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

And tonight is the night were we are going to talk about it. Ohhh the drama. My face is burning and I'm shaking uncontrollably.

The AM text went out followed by a 19 minute call and a few texts afterward.

I am not going to be able to function again until I know and this is resolved.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

voice said:


> Well, I don't feel bad jumping to conclusions considering whats going on, but verizon filled in the missing phone number and it was the accomplice.
> 
> Other than that last night, things went pretty well. Had a few drinks, worked on the boys costumes, watched a seasonal favorite movie of hers.
> 
> ...


Honestly, until you do something about this you need to just stop. I'm not trying to be mean but your starting to come off as pathetic with your wishing. Your wife is having an affair with this guy and then is using you in bed after this guy gets her all worked up. It's time to confront and put an end to the nonsense.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

I feel pathetic right now. And it's going down tonight.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

voice said:


> I feel pathetic right now. And it's going down tonight.


I wasn't trying to be mean believe me. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart I feel for you. I'm very angry for you because nobody deserves to be treated this way. I and everyone else will be here for you every step of the way. Just make sure you are ready to be strong and stand up for your dignity. Make the choices for you wife very clear. It's either this marriage 100% or divorce and you can continue whatever nonsense it is you have going on with this guy. If here choice is the marriage than full disclosure is necessary as well as all the steps to implement no contact with this other man.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

If you would like layout all the evidence you have to present to her and I'm sure myself and others here can offer some advice on the best ways to approach things.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Right now the plan is to sit her down and grab her hand tight.
I am going to ask her how much she loves me.
I am going to tell her that a new cellular phone company came in this week to give a proposal. When the bookkeeper and he were going over last months invoice, she brought to my attention some information calls that were on her phone and we are charged for. When I looked to verify the charges I noticed an incredible amount of calls and texts to a local number that occurred at strange times and for unusual lengths. Since then, I have had the opportunity to go through your phone to see who this person is, only to find no record of any of these conversations or texts and no contact info. I need to know who it is and what is your relationship with this person.

I will then give her the opportunity to talk. I know its a guy, I know his name, I know where he lives, I know what he does, I know where they meet. I hope she would come clean and I can tell her to end it.

If she lies, I am going to say that "I am not going to tell you how I know this, but I know his name is ... Would you like to go again?"

I am going to be the one driving tonight so she won't be able to drive off. If I back her into a corner she is probably going to run though. I have the ability online to deactivate her phone before we go out or even better, my friend who is watching our kids when we go out tonight, I leave the log-in info with him and send him a message to deactivate it before we talk. I don't want her running or calling the OM to come and get her. We have to talk this out.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

voice said:


> Right now the plan is to sit her down and grab her hand tight.
> I am going to ask her how much she loves me.
> I am going to tell her that a new cellular phone company came in this week to give a proposal. When the bookkeeper and he were going over last months invoice, she brought to my attention some information calls that were on her phone and we are charged for. When I looked to verify the charges I noticed an incredible amount of calls and texts to a local number that occurred at strange times and for unusual lengths. Since then, I have had the opportunity to go through your phone to see who this person is, only to find no record of any of these conversations or texts and no contact info. I need to know who it is and what is your relationship with this person.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

Wow! Nice plan! I hope your execution goes as planned!


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

What do you think about deactivating the phone?


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## Brian Jones (Oct 28, 2011)

Hey man,

Sorry to hear things have gone the way they have in your marriage. However, it seems all the focus is on your wife...as if she's to blame and the one who's made the mistakes in your marriage. If I recall correctly, this all came about because you had decided to "check out" of your marriage.

No blame, marriage is tough. However, you've BOTH contributed to this problem.

You want your wife back?

Take ownership of your part. Don't confront her because she'll get defensive and probally ask, "What?! Are you checking up on me?!" She'll get very angry and it won't go well. She'll feel like you're treating her like a little kid and as such will rebel and I bet you the texts and phone calls will increase. It will destroy any trust there is between you.

Your best bet is to sit her down, not randomly, but tell her there's something that's been on your heart for awhile you'd like to share with her. And ask her when would be a good time to talk w/o interruptions.

Then be honest. Take ownership of your mistakes. Tell her you know you let her down, you weren't there for her emotionally, and you recongnize your actions and choices really hurt her. Empathize with her.

Tell her you wouldn't have blamed her for divorcing you because you had already emotionally left. Not physically, but you weren't available to her. Then tell her you wouldn't even blame her if she had started talking to other guys and seeing someone because you recognize how lonely she probally felt and wanted to feel important and valued - and you weren't doing it. (This is how you confront her without coming out and telling her you've been snooping around her phone records - because she'll get pissed if she finds out, so don't tell her; and you can't control her or make her do anything, so to ease your own suffering and demonstrate trust, just stop)

Then tell her your hopes for the future. Trust, intimacy, whatever - and what that looks like for you. ASK HER WHAT HER HOPES FOR YOUR FUTURE TOGETHER ARE. What does she want/need from you? What can you do to start to regain her trust - because I guarantee you, she doesn't trust you (that's why she's still talking to this other guy, she doesn't know if you're going to be there for her; she feels insecure).

Do what you want, but I really hope you don't "confront" her the way everyone here is telling you to. She'll feel like a little kid and as if you're trying to control her. It'll backfire on you because she's not going to apologize, she's going to defend herself, probably deny it in someway, and things between the both of you will get worse.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Brian Jones said:


> Hey man,
> 
> Sorry to hear things have gone the way they have in your marriage. However, it seems all the focus is on your wife...as if she's to blame and the one who's made the mistakes in your marriage. If I recall correctly, this all came about because you had decided to "check out" of your marriage.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry but I don't agree with your advice at all. Never under any circumstance is cheating acceptable. What you're basically telling him to do is not only take ownership for all the problems in the marriage but also accept the cheating as something that he caused. The marriage will never be aided while an affair is taking place plain and simple.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

voice - I think the phone deactivation - temporarily will be a good thing - so you have the ability to have her full attention, but don't keep it deactivated, unless it is a company resource and she is definitely abusing it.

Brian Jones: Interesting advice, might work - but then again, I would be very wary of this approach.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Hey, thanks for the reply. Yea, I wasn't gonna do the whole "confront her now and it's this or else!"

You are 100% right in your assumptions that a lot of it was my fault and we actually had that talk a week ago. All her problems were thinking about the future and how I had basically laid back and died. She was right. That night removed a huge cloud overhanging me and I have since then upped my game 10 fold in areas that I had been neglecting and she has commented more than once how great it feels to have me back again.

In our conversations, I tell her that I know it's only been a week but its real and its going to be consistent for rest of our lives, which I am not lying about. In this whirlwind week, I have taken numerous steps to improve myself long term for myself, us and our family.

Though I had seen texts that she forgot to delete twice since their thing started, it was only Monday that I found the frequency of their contact in what can only be taken in some sort of relationship based on the times that the calls and texts were made. Aware that my lack of actions had probably pushed her into this, all week I allowed her to make her own decisions and was hopeful that she would chose what we have and have made versus some unemployed bar jockey who isn't that much younger or lively than I and isn't anywhere near the life path that we discussed to make me change.

Though the frequency has decreased which has had me hopeful all week that she was ending the communication with the guy, it hasn't. I can tell you what else has decreased during this time. My work productivity. I check in on her phone activity hourly to see if they've communicated. Also my trust in her has decreased. I watch her use the phone, step outside for a cigarette with it, and it drives me paranoid. My appetite has almost decreased to nothing. The only thing increasing is my smoking which is now up to two packs a day where I had just quit for a month + a few back.

The only thing I am questioning myself about right now is my level of affection towards her has been crazy high this week. I have called it being reborn but I know a lot of it is because I am in competition with this man. When I committed to the change I didn't know about it but now I do. The thing is, I am so head over heals in love with this woman that if she wants my affection level there, which she has seemed to enjoy this week, I will keep it there with every bit of my life if we can work through this.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

I'm going to give you some advice as a wife, and you can take it or leave it.

My advice it FIGHT LIKE HELL AND FIGHT NOW! Make a scene, make a big deal of what has already gone on because it's clear that it was enough to hurt you. Don't wait, because at any moment it could go from something that hurt you but you can get over to something that you just can't get past. It might be very un-manly to make it clear that you love her and don't want to lose her and won't stand for that bull****, but if it's a choice between that or divorce and losing your family I think the choice is clear.

If she is responding to you in a positive way since you awoke from your "funk" she most likely wants you to fight for her.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I'mAllIn said:


> I'm going to give you some advice as a wife, and you can take it or leave it.
> 
> My advice it FIGHT LIKE HELL AND FIGHT NOW! Make a scene, make a big deal of what has already gone on because it's clear that it was enough to hurt you. Don't wait, because at any moment it could go from something that hurt you but you can get over to something that you just can't get past. It might be very un-manly to make it clear that you love her and don't want to lose her and won't stand for that bull****, but if it's a choice between that or divorce and losing your family I think the choice is clear.
> 
> If she is responding to you in a positive way since you awoke from your "funk" she most likely wants you to fight for her.


:iagree:

I'd buy that! (for a dollar!)


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Exactly, fight like mad and don't ever for a minute accept the blame for your wife having an affair.


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## Brian Jones (Oct 28, 2011)

You must be right...it's all her fault. He didn't have any part or role in it. His choices were totally irrelevant. She must just be a horrible, insensitive person.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Brian Jones said:


> Hey man,
> 
> Sorry to hear things have gone the way they have in your marriage. However, it seems all the focus is on your wife...as if she's to blame and the one who's made the mistakes in your marriage. If I recall correctly, this all came about because you had decided to "check out" of your marriage.
> 
> ...



sorry but this horrible advice and very weak when you need to be firm and stalwart in dealing with infidelity- it's him or me time- the affair is 100% all hers


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Brian Jones said:


> You must be right...it's all her fault. He didn't have any part or role in it. His choices were totally irrelevant. She must just be a horrible, insensitive person.


Nobody has said he hasn't played a role. This site is to help people that are hurting and honestly if this is the sarcastic tone you're going to take when people don't agree with you then you should leave. You're helping nobody. That being said the point is you simply cannot work on a marriage while an affair is going on. His wife's interest is another man right now. He can talk to her until he's blue in the face and it will not do any good. When the affair is gone and out of the picture then they can get back to healing the marriage.


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## Brian Jones (Oct 28, 2011)

So it sounds like you did take responsibility for your part (again, not that you are to blame for her choices). Did you share your hope for your future together and ask her for what she hopes for and wants/needs from you (and if so, was she specific)? 

Beyond not wanting her to talk to this guy anymore, what DO you want from her? What do you want to be different? I really haven't heard this yet from you - just what you don't want. I ask because unless you're clear on what you want, you're not going to be able to get it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

voice a few things to add


don't beg, make it clear it's him or you
you must show her consequences if she continues to have an affair, tell her you refuse to live in an open marriage and if she does not agree to no contact, being completely transparent and showing true remorse then you will file for divorce

dont let her gaslight you, never say how you know
pretend to know more than what she is telling you


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Brian Jones said:


> You must be right...it's all her fault. He didn't have any part or role in it. His choices were totally irrelevant. She must just be a horrible, insensitive person.


he is responsible for 50% of the marital problems


BUT THERE IS NO MARITAL PROBLEM THAT GIVES SOMEONE THE RIGHT TO CHEAT


the choice for her to have an affair is 100% all hers


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Brian Jones said:


> So it sounds like you did take responsibility for your part (again, not that you are to blame for her choices). Did you share your hope for your future together and ask her for what she hopes for and wants/needs from you (and if so, was she specific)?
> 
> Beyond not wanting her to talk to this guy anymore, what DO you want from her? What do you want to be different? I really haven't heard this yet from you - just what you don't want. I ask because unless you're clear on what you want, you're not going to be able to get it.



Affairs are like triage

you address the affair first and foremost, it is like a heart attack or gushing wound
if you she agrees to stop the affair and work on the marriage you then can proceed to work on the marital discourse prior to the affair- those are serious maladies that can't be treated until the critical issue is addressed

what good it is to work on his own end of problems while she continues to go behind his back and cheat? It does nothing but create more pain and frustration and put him stuck in limbo


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> he is responsible for 50% of the marital problems
> 
> 
> BUT THERE IS NO MARITAL PROBLEM THAT GIVES SOMEONE THE RIGHT TO CHEAT
> ...


Bingo!!!! and working on a marriage is useless during an affair. Your voice will never be heard and your actions will never be recognized.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

voice please consider starting a new thread in the CWI section (and link to this thread), there will be 30+ posters who wnet thru similar situations there who can give better advice


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Please don't beat up on BJ. His opinion as all are welcome. It feels like he was sent here on her behalf and maybe the OM's. I doubt that's the case as cheating is wrong, period, but it's good insight to what the other side is thinking.

At the bottom, as all of want, I want to be happy. I want us to be there laughing and smiling as we teach our kids to ride bikes. I want to take wonderful vacations with her to places neither of us have been before. I want her to go to a NFL game with me and let me try to tell her what is going on. I want snowball fights and making love beside the fireplace. I want a nicer house in a nicer neighborhood and for us to come home after work and have family time.

What do I want from her? Maybe to give in a little more. I've never felt as she's given me herself. Never submitted and given 100% to me. There are still places with her (metaphorically) that we cant go together, things she doesn't want to try though I swear on my life they will be great.


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