# Own it?



## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

I have read the statement in threads here many times. He/She does not own the affair ergo, there is no remorse.

What does it mean to own an affair? 

In a real world example, if I throw a glass to the floor and it breaks, "owning it" means I say "I was angry. I needed to break something to let go of the anger. I realize that was immature to do but I did it and I will clean it up." Then...to prove ownership, I clean it up. I dispose properly of the glass so nobody else can get hurt by the broken pieces. And then I can go buy or make a new one to replace the missing glass.

Someone can complain and be angry that I did it. They can voice this complaint many, many times in any arena or fashion they wish. Maybe it was their favorite glass. I will still say "I did it. It was all my fault. I am sorry so I cleaned it up and I replaced it." At that point I say I have done everything I can do to make it better. 

How does "owning it" look with an affair?

"I did it. I am sorry. It was a wreched thing to do. I knew it would break your heart and selfishly, I did it anyway. Please let me clean it up." And then I:

1. Open all doors. 
2. Show renewed affection and commitment.
3. Provide proof that the OP is out of my life, in as much as it is possible to prove.

Is that "owning it"?

That isn't what I did at first mind you (still struggling with parts).

I was reluctant to open doors or show renewed affection. I cheated. I admit what I did. I recognize it was wrong. 

I also recognize the rationalizations I used to make myself feel better about my lacking morality were based in real problems. Problems that still exist. Problems that can't be addressed at all while the affair is still the central issue (as if it can ever not be the central issue).


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

As you said, "owning" an affair means admitting it, admitting that it was wrong, not making excuses for it and trying to shift blame onto your spouse for pushing you toward the affair, and then doing the heavy lifting required to help your spouse recover and regain trust in you.

All of those steps are really required. Leaving one off just kills the overall effort.

Good luck.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

thebadguy said:


> What does it mean to own an affair?
> 
> In a real world example, if I throw a glass to the floor and it breaks, "owning it" means I say "I was angry. I needed to break something to let go of the anger. I realize that was immature to do but I did it and I will clean it up." Then...to prove ownership, I clean it up. I dispose properly of the glass so nobody else can get hurt by the broken pieces. And then I can go buy or make a new one to replace the missing glass.


I'd say that's a pretty good albeit simplistic analogy. 

Owning it is standing up and volunteering to be held accountable for your actions and accepting the consequences and prices gracefully.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Owning it is taking full responsibility for your own thoughts, emotions and actions. No one “made you” do or feel anything. You did it all to yourself. And, you recognize that there is wide spread damage in other areas. This was all your doing.

Owning is just a part of recovering. How to “fix this” becomes the real hurdle. Another hurdle is “why”. And it just cascades from there. Lots to tackle. 

btw; A broken glass is a bad analogy (and I’m sure you just did it for simplicity). A better one would be maiming someone. You can’t just replace it or get it back. You can’t “go back” and “undo” or restore what is lost. That’s why this is tough and the survival rate is low. So, shake out of your head that you can restore.... Instead; Put in there that you are building something new that will hopefully be cherished more than the past.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Racer said:


> btw; A broken glass is a bad analogy (and I’m sure you just did it for simplicity). A better one would be maiming someone. You can’t just replace it or get it back. You can’t “go back” and “undo” or restore what is lost. That’s why this is tough and the survival rate is low. So, shake out of your head that you can restore.... Instead; Put in there that you are building something new that will hopefully be cherished more than the past.


Excellent point!!!!


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Owning it means saying you were responsible for the A, not your marriage problems, not your spouse, not your kids, not God, not an alien from space, etc....

Then realizing if your spouse gives you another chance that they had every right to leave you and did not have to give you another chance. Then you work you behind off trying to prove to them that they didn't make a mistake.

BTW, working your behind off doesn't mean getting verbally/physically abused and taking it. It means the both of you working at the marriage again, not you only and the BS spouse sits back and punishes you for the rest of your life.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Yes, owning it does mean that YOU, and YOU alone, decided to have an affair. Do not ever blame the other person for that !


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

thebadguy said:


> I have read the statement in threads here many times. He/She does not own the affair ergo, there is no remorse.
> 
> What does it mean to own an affair?
> 
> ...


If you blame someone else for your actions of making you angry which lead to you breaking the glass you are not owning what you did.

So if you blame your spouse for the affair you are not owning it. Affairs are 100% on the WS. You thowing a glass in anger is 100% on you. No one made you do it.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Racer said:


> Owning it is taking full responsibility for your own thoughts, emotions and actions. No one “made you” do or feel anything. You did it all to yourself. And, you recognize that there is wide spread damage in other areas. This was all your doing.
> 
> Owning is just a part of recovering. How to “fix this” becomes the real hurdle. Another hurdle is “why”. And it just cascades from there. Lots to tackle.
> 
> btw; A broken glass is a bad analogy (and I’m sure you just did it for simplicity). A better one would be maiming someone. You can’t just replace it or get it back. You can’t “go back” and “undo” or restore what is lost. That’s why this is tough and the survival rate is low. So, shake out of your head that you can restore.... Instead; Put in there that you are building something new that will hopefully be cherished more than the past.


This is true. You break a glass ... you can buy another.

If you break your marriage, that marriage is gone forever. You have to create a new marriage out of the ashes.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Unlike the broken glass... when a person cheats the damage caused their spouse takes months, even years to recover from. 

Generally it takes a BS 2 to 5 years to recover from the emotional injuries of an affair. 

I do like the analogy of maiming someone as the damage caused is more on that level.. it's an emotional maiming.

How long has it been since your spouse found out about your affair?

When did you end all contact with the AP? Or have you?

What are you doing to prove that you can be trusted?


----------



## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

Recognizing the concept of several choices as options instead of believing the option you chose was the result of something that lead the Betrayer there or pushed the betrayer in that direction. The choice to cheat belongs to the betrayer. 
If you are getting verbally abused all the time by your spouse, they are not making you go out and have an affair. That is what you are doing as a choice. You could leave, get divorced. you could ask to start going to couples therapy. You could say "hey, by you doing this, it is making me consider doing things like divorcing you and cheat on you and hurting you.. etc.. do you think we can work on you so I can work on preventing these thoughts.." I don't know what the exact words would be for someone else. 

It took me about 3 weeks in counseling 3 days a week after I cheated to get this concept. Then the real healing started. Owning it is understanding that NOTHING makes you Cheat. You decide to cheat.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

nevergoback said:


> Owning it is understanding that NOTHING makes you Cheat. You decide to cheat.


:iagree:

Allow me to also add that simply _saying_ you understand this is not actually owning it. Owning it comes from understanding, _believing_, and accepting to your core, that your cheating was your own choice. 

Simply agreeing with your BS that the affair was all your fault in order to get him/her off your back is not, in fact, in any way taking ownership of your actions.


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

It means admitting that you're a bad person.

And then truly starting to become a good one.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

For me, "owning it" means that my wife would acknowledge that it was HER choice to lie and cheat and do things furtively. It means that SHE acknowledges the damage that her actions caused.

It does not mean blaming her for the entire breakdown of the marriage - that is a shared responsibility. But it DOES mean she takes ownership of secretly abandoning the marriage and breaking the sacred trust between two people who once shared their lives.

It means acknowledging the complete breakdown in her own character and credibility. It means apologizing for the hurt and the damage - not just to me, but to our daughters as well.

It means acknowledging the complete selfishness of her actions.


For a DS, I think taking ownership is an important step towards their own recovery. Even if the marriage is beyond repair, the DS should want to better themselves, unless they want to go through life as a lying cheat.

In my case, my wife is showing NO signs of taking full ownership. She has said "sorry" many times, but it is more "being sorry" for the situation she finds herself in. That is simply not good enough for me and it's sad to see what she has become. She wants to "heal herself", but she is ignoring the elephant in the room: i.e. her own selfish lies. By not taking "ownership", she is headed for a very unhappy future simply because she feels that her lies were a "special case" and that she can just ignore them because they won't happen again. They likely WILL happen again, and next time she will likely be the "victim".


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

WhiteMousse said:


> It means admitting that you're a bad person.
> 
> And then truly starting to become a good one.


I have to disagree with this. I believe it means admitting that you did a very bad thing, embracing what you did, and using it to improve yourself. I didn't and don't believe that I am a bad person, now if I cheat again.... Yeah then I'd have to admit that. 

To me owning something like cheating on your spouse mostly means ceasing to avoid or minimize what you did and instead being completely forthright and honest about it to help your spouse. IMO someone who owns their cheating is freely willing to discuss all aspects of it with their spouse. Not that they aren't still ashamed and embarrassed but they have come to realize that the only way to heal both their spouse and themselves is to be open and honest - with their spouse and themselves.


----------



## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

My wife consistantly will make the statement "I made a mistake, you can't hold it against me for the rest of my life, and what about all the things you did wrong?"

This is example of not owning it. It's not accepting responsibility, it's shifting the focus, its attempting to put blame elsewhere, it's not acknowledging the damage done, it's .... just not owning it.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Owning it to me means that you don't lie to yourself or the people in your life about what you've done and who you are.


----------



## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

I wish my ws would own it and more graciously accept her consequences. She complains its not fair. For example, I've told her that her male friends are pretty much out. But i have female friends! How is that fair? Because im not a cheater. I've proven that. I cam be drunk in a bar and have some hot young thing hitting on me and i can quite easily say no. I even had permission to cheat when this came out, and i didn't. I've proven myself. She's proven the opposite. 

She gets all pissy at how much i dig at it. Every now and then she'll catch me snooping and get all upset like she has no idea why id be going through her phone or Facebook. And every time i point out that on d-day, i told her to come out with everything. No more lying, no more stonewalling or misditecting or changing the subject or turning it around on me. I told her the only way to fix it was to sit there and tell me the whole truth. Instead, she decided to do the opposite. Well if you're going to ignore what i say then at the very lest u can graciously accept the consequences with no whining, resentment or pissiness. But no, she's still all shocked and dumbfounded at how i could possibly violate her privacy.

Same ad with people finding out. Oh no!!! If only there was some way to prevent people knowing she's a ****...oh wait there is. Its called "not being a ****". Since she's decided to ***** herself around town people re gonnA find out, and that is yet another consequence i wish she would just suck up and deal with. Instead she tries her best to turn it all back around on me, do the opposite of everthing i tell her to do to save our marriage, and gets all whiney when it blows up in her face. Wtf.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

