# Am I expecting too much?



## StStephen65 (Dec 13, 2011)

Have been married 15-plus years and lately has seemed stale for a number of reasons, one of which is that it often feels like I am second class citizen and beyond financial provider (wife does not work) my role is very limited. Over last couple weeks, wife has researched and chosen a new car. I ran the numbers, and OK'd the purchase. Last nite I closed the deal (wife couldnt sign documents because she doesnt have enough income to get the loan) and brought home the new car.

Was it too much for me to expect her to say thank you?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

StStephen65 said:


> Was it too much for me to expect her to say thank you?


Did she say anything? Did she have any kind of reaction?


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## StStephen65 (Dec 13, 2011)

Yeah, she was happy to see it. I explained some of the bells and whistles and then she went out for a short drive and came back home. We had dinner--us and kids together--and then she went to bed.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I'm a little confused...

She did all of the heavy lifting in researching out a car for your famiy. Shopped for the best deal, test drove them, made a decision.

You just OK'd it and she owes you a thank you? Did you thank her for all of the work she put into this process? I'm sure you are not asking for a thank you for providing the money for the purchase. It was her money.

What are you lookin for exactly? Maybe this was just a bad example of where the disconnect is? Maybe I misread it?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

StStephen65 said:


> Was it too much for me to expect her to say thank you?


If you mean was it too much to expect without your asking then yes. The concept that "I shouldn't have to ask" is too close to entitlement and and or expectation of mind reading. There is no loss of face in asking nicely for what you want. Myself, if I had to ask (and believe me I have to ask a lot) I would ask for a small gift at the same time, something like "You know I did a lot with this and I was thinking maybe I could get some thanks for helping out so if it's not too much trouble it would be really cool if you could buy me ..."


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## StStephen65 (Dec 13, 2011)

MrK said:


> I'm a little confused...
> 
> She did all of the heavy lifting in researching out a car for your famiy. Shopped for the best deal, test drove them, made a decision.
> 
> ...


Maybe some clarity in order.
Heavy lifting: She had two cars in mind at start of process and didn not expand potential list. We both did test drives, I wanted her to like the car since she will drive it 90% of time. Its a second car for family. The 2 cars were essentially identical price and featurewise, just different MFRs so the decision was which will she like better, she made final choice.

I negotiated deal with dealer. I negotiated trade in. Loan documents, etc., are all in my name--was not her money, I am sole breadwinner. I will make payments on it.

I did thank her for getting rid of her old car, it was killing us in gas cost.

I guess my point was I already feel like my role is little more than $$$$ and this feels like just another example of it. If your wife wanted a new car and you said OK and went out and bought it for her, would you expect her to say thank you?


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## StStephen65 (Dec 13, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> If you mean was it too much to expect without your asking then yes. The concept that "I shouldn't have to ask" is too close to entitlement and and or expectation of mind reading. There is no loss of face in asking nicely for what you want. Myself, if I had to ask (and believe me I have to ask a lot) I would ask for a small gift at the same time, something like "You know I did a lot with this and I was thinking maybe I could get some thanks for helping out so if it's not too much trouble it would be really cool if you could buy me ..."


Maybe thats my problem. I dont think I should have to ask her to say "thanks" when I buy her a new car. I may be 100% wrong and thats why I raise the question here.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

StStephen65 said:


> Maybe thats my problem. I dont think I should have to ask her to say "thanks" when I buy her a new car. I may be 100% wrong and thats why I raise the question here.


It's up to you. If you want to be thanked, ask. If you want to engage in a power struggle, do what you're doing. If you decide to ask, don't forget to ask her to drive you around some.


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## StStephen65 (Dec 13, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> It's up to you. If you want to be thanked, ask. If you want to engage in a power struggle, do what you're doing. If you decide to ask, don't forget to ask her to drive you around some.


How is it a power struggle? I am not looking for any quid-pro-quo.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

StStephen65 said:


> How is it a power struggle? I am not looking for any quid-pro-quo.


Thinking that one should not have to ask for something reflects an underlying sense of entitlement, however minor. Any action taken to gain entitlement is an attempt to assert power. Otherwise one would be expecting clairvoyance


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## StStephen65 (Dec 13, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Thinking that one should not have to ask for something reflects an underlying sense of entitlement, however minor. Any action taken to gain entitlement is an attempt to assert power. Otherwise one would be expecting clairvoyance


Ok, I can see that, in the strictest sense. Power struggle to me implies some measure of intent--I will do X in order to get Y. I was not viewing this in that context and I certainly had no ulterior motive in buying the car except maybe to save some money on gas. I never brought up the idea of the new car, she did, so it wasnt like pushing or forcing. We teach the kids to say thank you when they receive something from someone, its a common courtesy, and there was none of that in this instance. I already feel underappreciated as it is, and then to bring home new car and not get a thank you--a common courtesy--just sort of hammered that point a bit harder. Then, now, based on your entitlement idea, I am looking at this and thinking now "who felt entitled to what??" Me to a thank you or her to a new car?


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

But the car is for both of you. 
You are married, therefore your money is her money. This is what you are agreeing to by being with her. 
So it would be a thanks from both of you for the gift of a new car to the family, no? 
The only reason why I'm arguing your point is because you came onto a forum to ask if she should have said thank you. That to me says you aren't looking for anything but to feel right. 

With all that being said, I would feel compelled to say thanks if my fiance used "his" $$ to buy a car. I would also hope he said thanks to me for doing all the work of picking one out, but I know he is thankful for what I do no matter what his words are, so I would never expect it


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## StStephen65 (Dec 13, 2011)

OliveAdventure said:


> But the car is for both of you.
> You are married, therefore your money is her money. This is what you are agreeing to by being with her.
> So it would be a thanks from both of you for the gift of a new car to the family, no?
> The only reason why I'm arguing your point is because you came onto a forum to ask if she should have said thank you. That to me says you aren't looking for anything but to feel right.
> ...


Maybe that is it...I wanted to feel right. Or appreciated. Either way, apparently the whole thing is not near as big a deal as I thought it was.


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## Silly Husband (Aug 30, 2010)

I've been there. Feeling like a paycheck sucks. I think what you may be looking for are words of affirmation. I don't know how to do the cool link thingy yet, but check out the post in the mens clubhouse titled "Thanks Mens Clubhouse". My wife would probably be disapointed if she worked hard all day doing my laundry, taking care of my kids, and making my dinner and I didn't show appreciation by at least saying thank you.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

StStephen65 said:


> We teach the kids to say thank you when they receive something from someone, its a common courtesy, and there was none of that in this instance. I already feel underappreciated as it is, and then to bring home new car and not get a thank you--a common courtesy--just sort of hammered that point a bit harder. Then, now, based on your entitlement idea, I am looking at this and thinking now "who felt entitled to what??" Me to a thank you or her to a new car?


Believe me, I know how you feel, I am very familiar with the feeling of not being appreciated and I share this regularly with my wife. I have also come to understand quite well how I make myself feel even worse through faulty thinking. Asking for what one want is a positive act. It invites personal connection and creates a win/win situation. Of course one gets thanks when they ask for it. And if you ask enough times maybe you won't have to after a while. But expecting and not getting only leads one to live in gloom and limits one's outcome to breaking even at best.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

The car and thank you seem like distractions. You want to feel appreciated because you feel like you are pulling all the financial weight. Which, it seems, you are. How did you arrive in this situation?


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

just adding my 2cents worth on this....to me it seems like the same case as what it was like in my marriage, we both used to take each other for granted and never show appreciation for anything we do for each other.

I never bother saying thank you to my hubby when he does things around the house for me because i just thought he was supposed to do that anyway...

over time this has caused a rift between us and we get disconnected because none of us feel appreciated in our relationship.

it seems like your love language is the same as my husband, which is word of affirmation.

my husband likes it when i say thank you for doing things around the house or to do with the kids (even if its just out of courtesy) he likes it when i complimented him about his achievements or how he looks or even just a simple thing like telling him thank you for working so hard to provide for our family. He feels appreciated when i do that and it goes along way towards his sense of worth and value in his eyes.

whereas for me those words of affirmation is not a big deal as my love language is physical touch....to me when he shows his appreciation by giving me affections its much more meaningful and it makes me want to do more for him and i tend to be more generous with my compliments and noticing his efforts to say thank you etc....so it goes both ways.

If i may suggest something, i would recommend having a heart to heart talk to your wife and re-evaluate your relationship....dont take each other for granted, simple things like saying thank you and showing appreciation to each other is what makes your relationship grow.

Like what they say its the little foxes that spoils the vine....its not the big things in life that destroy relationships, its the little things in everyday life that makes or breaks your relationship.

to answer your question, no you are not expecting too much by expecting a thank you from your wife however It takes an effort to notice these things and these are the kind of things that people usually overlook when you are in a long term relationship, you get comfortable and complacent and you take each other for granted and miss out on these simple things.

Hope that helps somewhat....for what its worth that was just my 2 cents


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

If you are married, your money is also her money. She may not think of it as a gift, but moreso as a family purchase that you *both* made. She went through picking it out and researching it - you went to buy it. Fair trade, perhaps in her eyes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StStephen65,

Based on what you have described there are some bigger problems in your marriage besides your wife not thanking you for the car.

Your attitude that you are the paycheck and thus she should thank you for the buying the car shows a basic misunderstanding of marriage. 

What does your wife do? Does she take care of your children? Does she clean house? If she does all the traditional things that a wife and mother does then she works her tail off. 

The marriage certificate that you signed when you married was a contract… the contract says that anything either of you earns belongs to both of you. Your wife works, she just does not get paid directly for her work. If you had to do all of what she does and work, you would not be able to have much of a career. 

The bigger problem I mentioned I in the first sentence is that there’s a good chance that neither you nor your wife appreciates each other’s contributions. If I were you I’d start looking at ways to improve your marriage before you do become nothing more than a paycheck to her… that’s what happens with a divorce.


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## jbag (Dec 14, 2011)

No... I would love for my husband would just buy me a piece of candy at this point.... sometime the ones we love seem not to appreciate us but what do you do?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I am quite sure this is not the problem just an example of it. You write lately that sounds like it was once different. Something must have happened. Do you say thank you to your wife or dont you think its necessary. Does she say please when asking you something. Or sorry when something is wrong. I understand the feeling but unlike previous posters you dont want to tell her. You want her to do it on her own. Do you jobs around the house that she cant do like DIY. Does she take other people for granted as well or would she say thank you to them. So how do you make her realise that she really needs you. Have you ever been away from her for some time. I dont mean separated. This can take time but it can be done.


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## DeadlyNightshade (Dec 5, 2011)

It sounds to me like she takes you for granted


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

My wife and I thank each other regularly for the little things the other does. Its a sign of respect that pays of in the subconscious. It works for us and makes us closer. We don't do it because we think we should per se but because we want to.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Keep in mind that if you posted a completely different type of question here, you would likely get replies from all of those who will tell you that this "your money is her money" stuff is a load of crock. I've literally seen dozens of posts like that. 

No, it is not too much to think that it would justify a thanks. Truth is, when you start feeling like you are just a paycheck, there is probably some truth to it. But I think the key question before going further is, do you thank her for the things she does? If you do this regulary, and would think that she understands you to be thankful for her, then you should have a deeper discussion about the relationship.

My opinion is that both should see the relationship as a partnership where the other's input is highly valued. My wife works part time now, making well above the national average. When she was a stay at home wife, we struggled with some of the same issues, but we talked about it and were able to improve the way we communicated that we valued each other. She did take my input for granted to a degree, and I was a little too sensitive about thanks primarily because it was my love language, and I go overboard. We resolved it. So, when I bought the car, it was a huge deal, celebrated almost. I mean, most people only get a handful of cars in their lifetime - we're not talking about buying groceries.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Personally, I say thank you when my GF brings supper over to my place. So no, I don't think it was too much to expect a thank you. And I was taught that you shouldn't have to ask for a thank you. It's simply a polite thing to do. 

However, sitting there stewing about it isn't going to help. Have you talked to her about how her lack of response made you feel?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

PBear said:


> I was taught that you shouldn't have to ask for a thank you. It's simply a polite thing to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Me too, but I was taught a lot of things that nobody does anymore. I think this is may be an example of the different value systems my wife and I bring into our marriage. These differences could be due to differing ages, differing regional influences growing up, differences between men and women, different parenting styles in our families of origin or a lot of other stuff.

Every day I tell my wife "thank you" for all the things she's done for me and for being with me and staying with me. I truly mean it and I say this because I am grateful and I feel good about it and I want to share. But she would never say "thanks" for anything without my asking her. So I ask and she thanks and we're both good with this.

Interestingly, she shows gratitude to certain friends and authority figures but never to her husband. I might guess that this has to do with the relationship between her mom and her dad while she was growing up, but I'm getting a little deep here.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I can't imagine "asking" someone to say thank you... Well, anyone older than my kids, that is. What's the point? It's an empty statement on their side.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StStephen65 (Dec 13, 2011)

PBear said:


> I can't imagine "asking" someone to say thank you... Well, anyone older than my kids, that is. What's the point? It's an empty statement on their side.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Precisely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StStephen65 said:


> Precisely.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Several people has asked you if you thank her for all the things she does for you? Do you? How often and in what ways?


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## StStephen65 (Dec 13, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Several people has asked you if you thank her for all the things she does for you? Do you? How often and in what ways?


Yes I do. I try to make it a point to thank her for all she does. For what she does for the kids, for the house, etc. I make it a point to tell others about her and what she does: "you have such great kids.." "Couldnt have them without all my wife has done...." "your house looks great..." "dont tell me, tell my wife, she is the decorator, I could never do this alone...'

I try to compliment things she has done "the garden looks great, youve done a lot of work and it shows" "I like this color you picked out for this room..." "what a great dinner....." I routinely tell her "our kids are incredible, and its all your fault." A joke, but also compliment.

When we have parties or family type things at the house, not only do I bend over backwards to help prepare but always tell her how great a party came off, how wonderful a hostess she is, how nice the house looked, etc. and how I appreciate it.

She does not work. I do however make it a point to thank her at times just for all she does. I used to bring home a dozen roses for her every Friday "just because youre so great and you do so much" until she told me about 5 years ago "you can knock off the flowers....."

Theres definitely a disconnect, but I don't think its me taking her for granted. I am human, I miss things, but I am not a thankless ogre.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

StStephen65 said:


> Yes I do. I try to make it a point to thank her for all she does. For what she does for the kids, for the house, etc. I make it a point to tell others about her and what she does: "you have such great kids.." "Couldnt have them without all my wife has done...." "your house looks great..." "dont tell me, tell my wife, she is the decorator, I could never do this alone...'
> 
> I try to compliment things she has done "the garden looks great, youve done a lot of work and it shows" "I like this color you picked out for this room..." "what a great dinner....." I routinely tell her "our kids are incredible, and its all your fault." A joke, but also compliment.
> 
> ...


I think that your feelings are about much much more than no thank you for the car. You seem to be feeling unappreciated, period. You need to have a talk with her about it. 

I would advise taking a look at the book mentioned in my signature below... "His Needs, Her Needs".

Have you ever told her that you just feel like a paycheck lately?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> I think herein lies that discord. You still feel that after 15 years it is "your money"... and that none of your pay is for "household money" , therefore both of your monies?
> 
> And maybe it is the length of time that she has not worked. Do you feel more & more resentful that she does not work/have income coming to the household?
> 
> Just sayin' if she gets the constant vibe from you that it is all "your money", and she doesn't ever get a lick of it without begging, or explaining all purchases -- then she just might feel resentful that she should be expected to say thank you for the vehicle purchase.


On one level it does sound like the OP thinks that its his money. On another level I think the issue is that he feels he's been reduced to being a paycheck.. the 'my money' really means 'she does no appreciate all the hard work I do'.


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## Sky22 (Dec 15, 2011)

Honestly, she should have thanked you. I'm thrilled if I can even get my husband to stay awake with me past 9:30- she should be thrilled that you bought her a car. It's totally not wrong to want some appreciation, and as a wife I'm a bit appalled at Olive's comments. 

Yes, it's true that by being married you agreed that your money is also her money but it takes no effort at all for her to say Thank You and show some appreciation. (A second car is not a NEED, it is a LUXURY and should be appreciated as such. My husband and I make do with one car and we don't mind it one bit.)


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

I agree, a thank you was very much in line in this situation. For years, my H worked while I stayed home with our children before the youngest went to school. His income was our money and I didn't have to ask to spend money, but when we decided that it was time for me to get a new car he had the financial power and stronger credit than I did at the time. I researched vehicles because it was going to be my vehicle and I would be driving it most of the time. He went with me to multiple test drives and I picked out the make and model that I wanted, but he picked out quite a bit of safety features, the larger engine, and 4x4 (he's a mechanic). These were all things that I hadn't considered but since I was driving around our children these things were important to him and helped him to feel like the vehicle was a little safer for us. He was the one that put his credit on the line so that I could have something I wanted and I greatly appreciated that. He could have very easily told me no, and yes I would have been mad, but he worked very hard to have strong credit before we got together and I would have respected the no if he didn't want to put himself on the line. With that being said, we have a very strong marriage and no trust issues so he wasn't worried that I was going to cheat on him or do something to hurt him and happily agreed because he wants me happy. He definitely got a yes, because that's what you do in a marriage you thank your partner for all that they do to improve your life.

No, I don't thank him every day because he goes to work, nor does he thank me that I go to work, but we do let each other know that we appreciate the sacrifices that the other one is making for us and our family. I think often couples just expect a certain behavior from their partner and don't feel like they should have to say thank you because you feel like it's their responsibility. Everyone likes to hear thank you and I appreciate what you do for me, it's a positive reinforcement for a good behavior, in my opinion. Yes, she absolutely should have said thank you in this situation. He could have easily told her no, but instead he chose to do something to make his wife happy.


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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

Hi, StStephen65
No, it is not ok for her to walk away like that.

She needs to thank you.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Thinking that one should not have to ask for something reflects an underlying sense of entitlement, however minor. Any action taken to gain entitlement is an attempt to assert power. Otherwise one would be expecting clairvoyance


Hmmm how is expecting a thank you deemed entitlement?!?!? Didn't your mother teach you, Please and Thank you are the magic words. You would say them to a complete stranger, why wouldn't you expect it from your spouse?


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Chelle D said:


> I think herein lies that discord. You still feel that after 15 years it is "your money"... and that none of your pay is for "household money" , therefore both of your monies?
> 
> And maybe it is the length of time that she has not worked. Do you feel more & more resentful that she does not work/have income coming to the household?
> 
> Just sayin' if she gets the constant vibe from you that it is all "your money", and she doesn't ever get a lick of it without begging, or explaining all purchases -- then she just might feel resentful that she should be expected to say thank you for the vehicle purchase.


That's a very good question regarding resentment about not working!!! That could explain the lack of thank you...otherwise just on gp a thank you would be nice.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

StStephen65 said:


> Have been married 15-plus years and lately has seemed stale for a number of reasons, one of which is that it often feels like I am second class citizen and beyond financial provider (wife does not work) my role is very limited. Over last couple weeks, wife has researched and chosen a new car. I ran the numbers, and OK'd the purchase. Last nite I closed the deal (wife couldnt sign documents because she doesnt have enough income to get the loan) and brought home the new car.
> 
> Was it too much for me to expect her to say thank you?


after 15 years, yes... you need to get past your petty little needs regarding money and the expectation of 'payback' or thanks. Are thanks in order..maybe.. but the situation I see here puts her in a place where she has no control and thanks would be pretty hard to put up, honestly.

I would address your feelling like a '2nd class citizen' and the obvious resentment here for having to 'provide' for someone 'does not work'. That line of thinking and those feelings are poison. You are supposed to be a team, yes? I bet you both, for different reasons - feel similar in many ways.

Easy for me to say, I know. You feel like she is getting the better end of the deal and you are left holding the thankless, $#!tty end of the stick, am I correct?


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## StStephen65 (Dec 13, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> after 15 years, yes... you need to get past your petty little needs regarding money and the expectation of 'payback' or thanks. Are thanks in order..maybe.. but the situation I see here puts her in a place where she has no control and thanks would be pretty hard to put up, honestly.
> 
> I would address your feelling like a '2nd class citizen' and the obvious resentment here for having to 'provide' for someone 'does not work'. That line of thinking and those feelings are poison. You are supposed to be a team, yes? I bet you both, for different reasons - feel similar in many ways.
> 
> Easy for me to say, I know. You feel like she is getting the better end of the deal and you are left holding the thankless, $#!tty end of the stick, am I correct?


I already said I was not expecting a payback or a quid pro quo. I dont think expectation of "thank you" as it is tought as a common courtesy is too much and evidently neither do a number of people who commented here. I dont feel like, nor do I have resentment over, "providing for someone who doesnt work" Rather, I provide for a family. I know that. Sure more money coming in would be nice (who would not agree with that at least in theory) but I have never pushed, prodded, *****ed, moaned or commented on her not working. I know she does a tremendous job as is at home.

We are supposed to be a team, sure. I know that. Theres no rule that says "we are on a team together, we no longer need to be courteous." Hi fives in sports. Handshakes in the office, Team mates thank each other, dont they? And if you read above you'll see that I do thank my wife for the things she does.

How is the husband/wife team different? You even allude "are thanks in order, maybe...." On what set of facts would they be in order and why is this situation not one of them? Doing laundry and driving kids to soccer practice calls for thanks? Why doesnt bringing home a new car?

I dont feel I have the crappy end of the stick. Not at all. This isnt "she has a new car and all i got was this loan" or "damn I wish she would work for a living" or anything like that. Youre right, probably both of us have somewhat similar feelings of underappreciation by the other. This is just the most recent example on my end.


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