# Do you feel like your husband's mother is the "other woman?"



## Enchanted

I tend to have major jealousy issues when it comes to my husbands mother. This started at the beginning of our relationship when his mother was pretty verbal about me "taking her son away."

Does anyone else feel like this?


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## SimplyAmorous

> This started at the beginning of our relationship when his mother was pretty verbal about me "taking her son away".


 Did she say this directly to you? WOW...if so. 

Is this her only son by chance? 

I've never felt like this... Now granted....My grandma used to tell me ..how a man treats his Mother is a good indicator to how he will treat his Wife... and he always gave her respect & honor....

But she always treated me wonderful- from day one -like part of the family. And he never put her before me. She let him live his own life, my Parents in law were helpers, give the shirt off their back type.....but never "interferers".


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## frustr8dhubby

I wouldn't think my wife does. I'm lucky if I talk to my mother more than once a month..


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## ScarletBegonias

These weird things tend to happen from time to time with SO's mom.He's definitely a mommas boy which is totally fine but it gets annoying occasionally.When he tells her all of our business I want to tell him to knock it off.It's irritating when she brings up things he has told her and catches me off guard.I dislike being put on the spot especially when I don't know what exactly she knows and what she doesn't.
You have my sympathy


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## Enchanted

SimplyAmorous said:


> Did she say this directly to you? WOW...if so.
> 
> Is this her only son by chance?
> 
> I've never felt like this... Now granted....My grandma used to tell me ..how a man treats his Mother is a good indicator to how he will treat his Wife... and he always gave her respect & honor....
> 
> But she always treated me wonderful- from day one -like part of the family. And he never put her before me. She let him live his own life, my Parents in law were helpers, give the shirt off their back type.....but never "interferers".


She said it verbatim and she wasn't joking. Plus, when we announced our engagement she said "why do you want to get married?" Then she pulled out a picture of herself in a wedding dress and complained how she didn't like her dress and thought she should have had something better. 

(I pretty much hated her since then.)

She has two other son's and a daughter but they all live out of state.


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## SimplyAmorous

Enchanted said:


> I tend to have major jealousy issues when it comes to my husbands mother. This started at the beginning of our relationship when his mother was pretty verbal about me "taking her son away."
> 
> Does anyone else feel like this?


Have you talked to him about IT....and how did he respond ?


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## ScarletBegonias

Enchanted said:


> She said it verbatim and she wasn't joking. Plus, when we announced our engagement she said "why do you want to get married?" Then she pulled out a picture of herself in a wedding dress and complained how she didn't like her dress and thought she should have had something better.
> 
> (I pretty much hated her since then.)
> 
> She has two other son's and a daughter but they all live out of state.


Has he witnessed her doing this kind of stuff?


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## Enchanted

ScarletBegonias said:


> These weird things tend to happen from time to time with SO's mom.He's definitely a mommas boy which is totally fine but it gets annoying occasionally.When he tells her all of our business I want to tell him to knock it off.It's irritating when she brings up things he has told her and catches me off guard.I dislike being put on the spot especially when I don't know what exactly she knows and what she doesn't.
> You have my sympathy


Thank you. I have to keep my distance from him mom in order to feel OK. She has mellowed over the years but every time he goes over there I get angry. I'm trying to work on this.


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## Enchanted

ScarletBegonias said:


> Has he witnessed her doing this kind of stuff?


He was sitting right there when she said it and got angry at me for being pissed off.


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## canttrustu

No. In fact,I felt like the other woman. He put her first for the first 14 yrs of our marriage. She treated me(and all the in laws) like crap and he let her. If anything was said I took the heat EVERY time. So I stopped saying anything and stopped having anything to do with her at all. Since then, she hasnt had access to me so she started upping her game with him and he finally saw her for how she really is and apologized to me for what I've put up with all of these years. So you have my sympathy as well. This is your H's issue to deal with. If he wont- youre pretty much screwed Im sorry to say.

Good luck.


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## Enchanted

SimplyAmorous said:


> Have you talked to him about IT....and how did he respond ?


He understands how I feel but his mom is old now and he has to help her. I know she is old. I know she needs help. I know he is the only son in the state and the one who needs to help her but I can't help wishing she'd move out of state into the home of her other son's which is an option.


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## Enchanted

canttrustu said:


> No. In fact,I felt like the other woman. He put her first for the first 14 yrs of our marriage. She treated me(and all the in laws) like crap and he let her. If anything was said I took the heat EVERY time. So I stopped saying anything and stopped having anything to do with her at all. Since then, she hasnt had access to me so she started upping her game with him and he finally saw her for how she really is and apologized to me for what I've put up with all of these years. So you have my sympathy as well. This is your H's issue to deal with. If he wont- youre pretty much screwed Im sorry to say.
> 
> Good luck.


She isn't upping her game which is good. But now she has the old card and I can't compete with the old card. Then we get into these major fights and he says "She's going to be dead soon" which isn't true since she's in perfect health. I really try not to think about her dying because I know he would feel bad. But sometimes I do think about it and well...OK. I know I shouldn't think about it.


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## canttrustu

Enchanted said:


> She isn't upping her game which is good. But now she has the old card and I can't compete with the old card. Then we get into these major fights and he says "She's going to be dead soon" which isn't true since she's in perfect health. I really try not to think about her dying because I know he would feel bad. But sometimes I do think about it and well...OK. I know I shouldn't think about it.


So is this all based on what she said before you got married???


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## Enchanted

canttrustu said:


> So is this all based on what she said before you got married???


No. In the first five years of our marriage I use to see her on holidays and I was *always* getting these types of digs. LOTS OF THEM. Slowly, I stopped going to functions and giving her access to me. If I'm not around her to say things she can't say them. Now, when she sees me which is maybe four times a year she's on her best behavior.


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## Enchanted

Also, because he was so enmeshed with his mother I never saw him as a sexual person. But sex isn't that important to me and he's an amazing man. So I'm trying to get over that too. I just wish his mom would move away.


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## SimplyAmorous

Where is his Dad ? Does she have friends ? Any sisters in her life? 

It doesn't sound you can cut her out of your life...but getting husband to understand how you are feeling...being on the reciving end of her cutting words, would help some.

Lots of people have Toxic Inlaws, certain boundaries need to be erected to save your sanity. 

5 Ways To Protect Your Marriage From Toxic In-Laws










I looked up some books - in case you might be interested>> 

Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage: Books

When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment: Books

From a Christian perspective >>

The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along?: Annie Chapman: Books

Other Woman in Your Marriage: Understanding a Mother's Impact on Her Son and How it Affects His Marriage: Books


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## Enchanted

SimplyAmorous said:


> Where is his Dad ? Does she have friends ? Any sisters in her life?
> 
> It doesn't sound you can cut her out of your life...but getting husband to understand how you are feeling...being on the reciving end of her cutting words, would help some.
> 
> Lots of people have Toxic Inlaws, certain boundaries need to be erected to save your sanity.
> 
> 5 Ways To Protect Your Marriage From Toxic In-Laws
> 
> I looked up some books - in case you might be interested>>
> 
> Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage: Books
> 
> When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment: Books
> 
> From a Christian perspective >>
> 
> The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along?: Annie Chapman: Books
> 
> Other Woman in Your Marriage: Understanding a Mother's Impact on Her Son and How it Affects His Marriage: Books


She has one friend who is moving away. Both of her sisters died (who she hated) and her husband (who she hated) died as well, years ago. She does have other family close by but she doesn't like them very much either. The only one she likes is my husband.


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## SimplyAmorous

Enchanted said:


> She has one friend who is moving away. Both of her sisters died (*who she hated*) and her husband (*who she hated)* died as well, years ago. She does have other family close by *but she doesn't like them very much either*. The only one she likes is my husband.










...this speaks volumes... the woman can NOT get along with ANYONE.

When I hear Mother in law stories, I never know whether it is truly the Daughter in law OR the Mother in Law who is really being the Ogre... it just isn't black & white... I've seen both sides...and I've also heard some tear jerking moments of these 2 coming together....even gave me a tear- just listening. 

Once I ran across a "Mother IN Law" HATING forum... at the time I only had sons... I thought to myself...SH** it this what I have to look forward too.... to be hated...despised & wanted dead !

It was very disheartening to read those stories. 

ONE thing is for sure... your Mother in Law is NOT a happy person, she is insecure, she is unfulfilled...she is going to die alone - because of her own behavior, her ungiving attitude, her cutting words, her hate, her pushing others away...

Her son... even if he won't admit it, he feels sorry for her... It's just sad really.  Not sure why she hates everyone in her life...in this way, you simply Can't take any of this personal !!! 

She obviously never learned many people skills, or how to overcome conflict with those in her life. 

It has to start with someone.


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## canttrustu

Enchanted said:


> Also, because he was so enmeshed with his mother I never saw him as a sexual person. But sex isn't that important to me and he's an amazing man. So I'm trying to get over that too. I just wish his mom would move away.


Ouch. Not good. Kind of the reverse of a madonna complex?? Never heard of that. My H wasnt like that. My biggest issue was that he'd let her say nasty stuff and if I was offened- he was pissed at ME. Like she twice(at least) incinuated that our child was not his bc of her eye color and bc she doesnt have a medical condition that he has(the odds of getting it were 50/50 since I dont have it). So she'd make snide comments about both of those things. He never said a thing. So basically she called me a ho and he let her. He sees that now- guess thats all that matters. We are both convinced she had her DNA tested-she is in the medical field and could easily do so. She suddenly stopped saying anything after having her second set of medical results(which Im convinced she paid to have DNA ran on since she knew the person at the lab)


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## canttrustu

SimplyAmorous said:


> ...this speaks volumes... the woman can NOT get along with ANYONE.
> 
> When I hear Mother in law stories, I never know whether it is truly the Daughter in law OR the Mother in Law who is really being the Ogre... it just isn't black & white... I've seen both sides...and I've also heard some tear jerking moments of these 2 coming together....even gave me a tear- just listening.
> 
> Once I ran across a "Mother IN Law" HATING forum... at the time I only had sons... I thought to myself...SH** it this what I have to look forward too.... to be hated...despised & wanted dead !
> 
> It was very disheartening to read those stories.
> 
> ONE thing is for sure... your Mother in Law is NOT a happy person, she is insecure, she is unfulfilled...she is going to die alone - because of her own behavior, her ungiving attitude, her cutting words, her hate, her pushing others away...
> 
> Her son... even if he won't admit it, he feels sorry for her... It's just sad really.  Not sure why she hates everyone in her life...in this way, you simply Can't take any of this personal !!!
> 
> She obviously never learned many people skills, or how to overcome conflict with those in her life.
> 
> It has to start with someone.


I agree SA! I have a son and have always adored his Gf's. He is a good judge of character and I look forward to getting 'another' daughter. And he's been taught that when he gets married his wife and children come FIRST. Above all. I dont expect to be top dog in my grown son's life. I think that is where so many mom's go wrong- they cant let go.


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## Enchanted

SimplyAmorous said:


> ...this speaks volumes... the woman can NOT get along with ANYONE.
> 
> When I hear Mother in law stories, I never know whether it is truly the Daughter in law OR the Mother in Law who is really being the Ogre... it just isn't black & white... I've seen both sides...and I've also heard some tear jerking moments of these 2 coming together....even gave me a tear- just listening.
> 
> Once I ran across a "Mother IN Law" HATING forum... at the time I only had sons... I thought to myself...SH** it this what I have to look forward too.... to be hated...despised & wanted dead !
> 
> It was very disheartening to read those stories.
> 
> ONE thing is for sure... your Mother in Law is NOT a happy person, she is insecure, she is unfulfilled...she is going to die alone - because of her own behavior, her ungiving attitude, her cutting words, her hate, her pushing others away...
> 
> Her son... even if he won't admit it, he feels sorry for her... It's just sad really.  Not sure why she hates everyone in her life...in this way, you simply Can't take any of this personal !!!
> 
> She obviously never learned many people skills, or how to overcome conflict with those in her life.
> 
> It has to start with someone.


She isn't the worst human being on the planet but she does seem to hate a lot of people. IDK. But thanks for the support the OMG is a riot!


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## Enchanted

canttrustu said:


> Ouch. Not good. Kind of the reverse of a madonna complex?? Never heard of that. My H wasnt like that. My biggest issue was that he'd let her say nasty stuff and if I was offened- he was pissed at ME. Like she twice(at least) incinuated that our child was not his bc of her eye color and bc she doesnt have a medical condition that he has(the odds of getting it were 50/50 since I dont have it). So she'd make snide comments about both of those things. He never said a thing. So basically she called me a ho and he let her. He sees that now- guess thats all that matters. We are both convinced she had her DNA tested-she is in the medical field and could easily do so. She suddenly stopped saying anything after having her second set of medical results(which Im convinced she paid to have DNA ran on since she knew the person at the lab)


Your MIL sounds horrible. The only way to deal with people like this is to avoid them. The more you see them the more you'll hate them.


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## canttrustu

Enchanted said:


> Your MIL sounds horrible. The only way to deal with people like this is to avoid them. The more you see them the more you'll hate them.


Good news. I will likely NEVER see her again. Sad for him as she is his mother.


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## SimplyAmorous

canttrustu said:


> I agree SA! I have a son and have always adored his Gf's. He is a good judge of character and I look forward to getting 'another' daughter. And he's been taught that when he gets married his wife and children come FIRST. Above all. I dont expect to be top dog in my grown son's life. I think that is where so many mom's go wrong- they cant let go.


I love my 15 yr old son's GF too, she is a sweetheart (so young & they've been together 15 months so far). She's told my son she loves me too ! 

But If there is 1 thing I believe in life...it's this (generally speaking anyway)...



> When you have a daughter - you have her for life, when you have a son, you have him till he takes a wife.


Mothers of sons have to let go more so...

It is just NOT the same with a daughter in law... you WILL need to walk on egg shells, be ever careful with the mouth, you will NOT have the same privileges when a grandbaby is born....you will probably get less visits.... less Holidays... so if you want to level your odds with a daughter in law...you need to treat her damn good... and if our sons are happy & thriving with her...this is what should be our greatest concern. 

I can tell you, I am not close with my Mother in Law, I could be better, but She loves me cause she knows I make her son the happiest guy around. This is how I will be with my daugther in Laws...and just pray my boys marry a worthy woman. 

But seriously...Our time has passed. We give over the reins....It is now HER time ....with her man. Their family... I know this IS the attitude we NEED to adopt...

But unfortunetely...for some Mom's ~ they get hung up... most especially those who don't have others in their life to fulfill that deep desire for "connection"....and they make their children suffer, putting them on a guilt trip. Not good.


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## Enchanted

canttrustu said:


> Good news. I will likely NEVER see her again. Sad for him as she is his mother.


It is sad for him but I'm really happy for you


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## Enchanted

SimplyAmorous said:


> I love my 15 yr old son's GF too, she is a sweetheart (so young & they've been together 15 months so far). She's told my son she loves me too !
> 
> But If there is 1 thing I believe in life...it's this (generally speaking anyway)...
> 
> 
> 
> Mothers of sons have to let go more so...
> 
> It is just NOT the same with a daughter in law... you WILL need to walk on egg shells, be ever careful with the mouth, you will NOT have the same privileges when a grandbaby is born....you will probably get less visits.... less Holidays... so if you want to level your odds with a daughter in law...you need to treat her damn good... and if our sons are happy & thriving with her...this is what should be our greatest concern.
> 
> I can tell you, I am not close with my Mother in Law, I could be better, but She loves me cause she knows I make her son the happiest guy around. This is how I will be with my daugther in Laws...and just pray my boys marry a worthy woman.
> 
> But seriously...Our time has passed. We give over the reins....It is now HER time ....with her man. Their family... I know this IS the attitude we NEED to adopt...
> 
> But unfortunetely...for some Mom's ~ they get hung up... most especially those who don't have others in their life to fulfill that deep desire for "connection"....and they make their children suffer, putting them on a guilt trip. Not good.


It took many years for his mother to realize that being mean, trying to give *me* the guilt trip, giving me digs and outright nastiness didn't work for her benefit. And some of the crap she said was so bad it took me a long, long, time to wash away the memories. 

I do want to put all this jealousy behind me and move forward. Living with anger or dark thoughts doesn't help. I'm trying my best.


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## canttrustu

SimplyAmorous said:


> I love my 15 yr old son's GF too, she is a sweetheart (so young & they've been together 15 months so far). She's told my son she loves me too !
> 
> But If there is 1 thing I believe in life...it's this (generally speaking anyway)...
> 
> 
> 
> Mothers of sons have to let go more so...
> 
> It is just NOT the same with a daughter in law... you WILL need to walk on egg shells, be ever careful with the mouth, you will NOT have the same privileges when a grandbaby is born....you will probably get less visits.... less Holidays... so if you want to level your odds with a daughter in law...you need to treat her damn good... and if our sons are happy & thriving with her...this is what should be our greatest concern.
> 
> I can tell you, I am not close with my Mother in Law, I could be better, but She loves me cause she knows I make her son the happiest guy around. This is how I will be with my daugther in Laws...and just pray my boys marry a worthy woman.
> 
> But seriously...Our time has passed. We give over the reins....It is now HER time ....with her man. Their family... I know this IS the attitude we NEED to adopt...
> 
> But unfortunetely...for some Mom's ~ they get hung up... most especially those who don't have others in their life to fulfill that deep desire for "connection"....and they make their children suffer, putting them on a guilt trip. Not good.


My son has a GF now(he is 24 in Feb) and I believe she is THE one. We all believe he will indeed marry her eventually. Im so happy with that. I LOVE her! She makes him grin ear to ear, she takes care of him, she keeps him on his toes, she is great with his sisters and encourages his 'family time'. We LOVE her! Im excited for him. He will make a great husband and father someday. She is a lucky girl and if he marrys her- he will be lucky too!


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## ChiGirl

Yes!!!

I have had a similar experience.. my stbx mother treated me terribly especially after we got engaged, she would say things like "you guys are too different to get married", "you are taking my son away", "my son should marry in his culture"...

H now admits his family and esp mother ruined a big part of our relationship.

They would still consider him single, even after we got engaged, and find other women for him at weddings!!! (i was "not allowed" to go to those)

She actually seemed happy that we are getting divorced, and found him a few girls already!

BUT in my case this may be a cultural thing, I had BF's in the past and their mothers loved me. 

I think in some cases parents simply can't let go, this may be compounded now since a lot of people stay with their parent longer.. it's almost like they have an input on everything! My bff's FIL would show up at open houses and help them choose their house!


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## Enchanted

ChiGirl said:


> Yes!!!
> 
> I have had a similar experience.. my stbx mother treated me terribly especially after we got engaged, she would say things like "you guys are too different to get married", "you are taking my son away", "my son should marry in his culture"...
> 
> H now admits his family and esp mother ruined a big part of our relationship.
> 
> They would still consider him single, even after we got engaged, and find other women for him at weddings!!! (i was "not allowed" to go to those)
> 
> She actually seemed happy that we are getting divorced, and found him a few girls already!
> 
> BUT in my case this may be a cultural thing, I had BF's in the past and their mothers loved me.
> 
> I think in some cases parents simply can't let go, this may be compounded now since a lot of people stay with their parent longer.. it's almost like they have an input on everything! My bff's FIL would show up at open houses and help them choose their house!


I'm sorry your MIL was so terrible to you. Nobody seeking love should be made to feel bad.

You're right about parents becoming more attached because kids stay at home longer. My husband lived with his parents till he was 32 and then we moved into an apartment into my mothers house (which wasn't a good idea.) 

He was just too enmeshed with his parents. Now, when he see's his mom on weekends and he takes her out to lunch, it feels to me like their "going on a date." Plus, money is tight, so me and him don't go out to eat which makes it feel even more horrible.


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## Omegaa

Hi

Well, it is a know thing. Mother's Sons are their emotional "little lovers" the day they were born and hence Mothers remain very close to their Sons throughout their life. So the concept of Mothers being OWs to their Wives makes perfect sense. Of course, Sons "Mums" are their extra special WOMAN.

I have suggested my h to cut his apron strings a few times. He is trying but fundamentally, they are close. If we are not getting along, he will run to his Mother. She phones him up quite often in the evening. (She has recently lost her Hubby)

Mothers provide their Sons comfort and care and this continues on. I do believe his mother really is definitely one of OWs. 

When your marriage gets troubled, this "woman" will always be there for him. You can guess I am not too fond of this Woman myself.

My sympathies,


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## Enchanted

Omegaa said:


> Hi
> 
> Well, it is a know thing. Mother's Sons are their emotional "little lovers" the day they were born and hence Mothers remain very close to their Sons throughout their life. So the concept of Mothers being OWs to their Wives makes perfect sense. Of course, Sons "Mums" are their extra special WOMAN.
> 
> I have suggested my h to cut his apron strings a few times. He is trying but fundamentally, they are close. If we are not getting along, he will run to his Mother. She phones him up quite often in the evening. (She has recently lost her Hubby)
> 
> Mothers provide their Sons comfort and care and this continues on. I do believe his mother really is definitely one of OWs.
> 
> When your marriage gets troubled, this "woman" will always be there for him. You can guess I am not too fond of this Woman myself.
> 
> My sympathies,


Thank you. I don't want to feel jealous when he's with her. I'm working on accepting that she sort of is the other woman because she's another woman that my husband cares about and spends a good amount of time helping. 

It is what it is.


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## stopandmakecoffee

Enchanted said:


> I tend to have major jealousy issues when it comes to my husbands mother. This started at the beginning of our relationship when his mother was pretty verbal about me "taking her son away."
> 
> Does anyone else feel like this?


oh yeah.
STBXMIL didn't exactly being verbal, but being distant and actually only talked to her son about me/stuff, and never, not ever, made eye contact with me.like i was a piece of furniture.
can't blame her.STBXH is her baby  yo mama, take your baby back. don't need a boy to be my husband


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## northernlights

Ugh, I feel for you. My MIL isn't the worst, but it's bad enough. Mostly it's just little things, like telling me to vacuum my welcome mat because it's "looking grubby" and telling me I missed a spot when I was cleaning. 

Sometimes, though, it's bigger stuff. This fall she relayed a comment one of her friends had made comparing my two girls' LOOKS. It was something like, "So Sue actually thinks that LITTLE GIRL is prettier than--" I cut her off there. THEY WERE SITTING RIGHT THERE! They're 4 and 7. I told her, "UNACCEPTABLE," but then I had to leave the room, or I was going to say things I couldn't take back.

I try to avoid her now. But H will do anything for her, at the drop of a hat. He works from home and has a lot of flexibility, but since our older girl was born, has refused to be flexible so that I could work too. He always had a reasonable excuse as to why he couldn't, and I believed him. Then we moved downstairs from his parents, and he's being flexible all day long to drive them places, do stuff, whatever. It's killing me. All those years, I believed his "can't" when it was really a "won't." And now his mother is benefiting from all that flexibility that he denied me. I'm sure this will be coming up in marriage counseling...


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## Enchanted

northernlights said:


> Ugh, I feel for you. My MIL isn't the worst, but it's bad enough. Mostly it's just little things, like telling me to vacuum my welcome mat because it's "looking grubby" and telling me I missed a spot when I was cleaning.
> 
> Sometimes, though, it's bigger stuff. This fall she relayed a comment one of her friends had made comparing my two girls' LOOKS. It was something like, "So Sue actually thinks that LITTLE GIRL is prettier than--" I cut her off there. THEY WERE SITTING RIGHT THERE! They're 4 and 7. I told her, "UNACCEPTABLE," but then I had to leave the room, or I was going to say things I couldn't take back.
> 
> I try to avoid her now. But H will do anything for her, at the drop of a hat. He works from home and has a lot of flexibility, but since our older girl was born, has refused to be flexible so that I could work too. He always had a reasonable excuse as to why he couldn't, and I believed him. Then we moved downstairs from his parents, and he's being flexible all day long to drive them places, do stuff, whatever. It's killing me. All those years, I believed his "can't" when it was really a "won't." And now his mother is benefiting from all that flexibility that he denied me. I'm sure this will be coming up in marriage counseling...


I'm so so sorry. Hugs.


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## northernlights

Enchanted said:


> I'm so so sorry. Hugs.


Thanks, I need a hug today! Non-stop crying from the bigger one and a nice hefty fine in the mail. At least the MIL is off at rehab (hip) for 3 weeks!


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## anotherguy

Enchanted said:


> I tend to have major jealousy issues when it comes to my husbands mother. This started at the beginning of our relationship when his mother was pretty verbal about me "taking her son away."
> 
> Does anyone else feel like this?


I hardly thnk you are the only one that feels that way.

I know tons of women.. including my wife - that feel a little threatened.. and I know tons of moms that have a strange (and a little creepy) over - attachment to their sons - including strange little comments like that.

Honest - I feel like the generation hat grew up in the 40s 50s is particularly screwed up in this area.

Shrug it off. He loves you, he makes love to you, he married you... not his mom. Dont play into it and dont drop little comments back or feel like you need to snuggle up to him when she is in the room. Ignore it or it will go on forever. You need to get past it and just let her live in her own little fantasy world. She has a psycological need to remind you that he will always be her little boy.

fine. 

In-laws in general are.. as all the jokes say.. an anoying pain-in-the-a$$.


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## anotherguy

Enchanted said:


> ... I just wish his mom would move away.


My mom lives 1,500 miles away and her Mom lives 2,000 miles away. It does make things easier. We see them once, twice a year.. and they can swoop into our house for a couple times... and for a couple weeks sometimes. NOT easy.. but easier than close up and frequent.

As we get older however - we all too soon realize that we will wish we were able to see them more often - so the grass isnt completely greener on the other side of the fence - careful what you wish for. 

When my mom lived just a few miles away from us - the tension between my wife and my mom was more challenging.


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## janefw

Enchanted said:


> I tend to have major jealousy issues when it comes to my husbands mother. This started at the beginning of our relationship when his mother was pretty verbal about me "taking her son away."
> 
> Does anyone else feel like this?


I could write a book about it. That said, I don't consider it to be 'jealousy', I consider it to be rightful irritation. 

Sadly, my husband compounds it by making his mom his main confidante, and by telling me recently that his parents are his 'home base'. What a gutting moment that was.

Enchanted, don't know if you are married and have kids, but one good thing that has come out of this, is that I will NOT cling to my boys (we have three) or treat their gf's like dirt, or assert my relationship with the boys above the relationships they will have with gf's and wives. I know what it feels like to have a mom vie with me for the love of her son/my husband, and it's pathetic and irritating, and these women usually have (for whatever reason) placed the love that should be spent on their husband, on their son instead.

But oh boy, yes. Years ago, when they still lived in this town, on my h's birthday, his mom had pulled out a bunch of photos of my h as a child, and teen, and she had included a photo of his HS sweetheart, and actually said in front of me "ah yes, [name]. She was such a sweet little thing. We thought he would marry her .." Really? Come on!! There have been many other insults and veiled (and open) passive/aggressive attacks, and I know now that my MIL is not, and never will be, my supporter or friend. 

Of course, my husband is wilfully blind to it all. 

OP - does your bf/husband (don't know if you are married) - aware of what is going on? 

This was a blind post, so I will now go back and read the rest of the thread ..

So


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## janefw

Omegaa said:


> Hi
> 
> Well, it is a know thing. Mother's Sons are their emotional "little lovers" the day they were born and hence Mothers remain very close to their Sons throughout their life. So the concept of Mothers being OWs to their Wives makes perfect sense. Of course, Sons "Mums" are their extra special WOMAN.


What you are describing is not the norm. I don't consider our boys to be my "little lovers" and in fact the idea is revolting. I look forward to our boys getting married and bringing in some daughters, for goodness sake! (And grandbabies!! ) What you are describing is a very unhealthy reaction between a mom and a child.


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## anotherguy

janefw said:


> ...Sadly, my husband compounds it by making his mom his main confidante, and by telling me recently that his parents are his 'home base'. What a gutting moment that was...


That is just wrong in so many ways. I mean.. really?


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## DangerousCurves

In the beginning of our marriage it was like this. He didn't dare do anything or make a decision without calling his mom first. After the first year of this nonsense I finally cut those apron strings once and for all


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## Enchanted

anotherguy said:


> My mom lives 1,500 miles away and her Mom lives 2,000 miles away. It does make things easier. We see them once, twice a year.. and they can swoop into our house for a couple times... and for a couple weeks sometimes. NOT easy.. but easier than close up and frequent.
> 
> As we get older however - we all too soon realize that we will wish we were able to see them more often - so the grass isnt completely greener on the other side of the fence - careful what you wish for.
> 
> When my mom lived just a few miles away from us - the tension between my wife and my mom was more challenging.


She's not going to move away. I do worry about her getting more frail, how this will effect my marriage. I just have to take it one day at a time.


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## Enchanted

janefw said:


> I could write a book about it. That said, I don't consider it to be 'jealousy', I consider it to be rightful irritation.
> 
> Sadly, my husband compounds it by making his mom his main confidante, and by telling me recently that his parents are his 'home base'. What a gutting moment that was.
> 
> Enchanted, don't know if you are married and have kids, but one good thing that has come out of this, is that I will NOT cling to my boys (we have three) or treat their gf's like dirt, or assert my relationship with the boys above the relationships they will have with gf's and wives. I know what it feels like to have a mom vie with me for the love of her son/my husband, and it's pathetic and irritating, and these women usually have (for whatever reason) placed the love that should be spent on their husband, on their son instead.
> 
> But oh boy, yes. Years ago, when they still lived in this town, on my h's birthday, his mom had pulled out a bunch of photos of my h as a child, and teen, and she had included a photo of his HS sweetheart, and actually said in front of me "ah yes, [name]. She was such a sweet little thing. We thought he would marry her .." Really? Come on!! There have been many other insults and veiled (and open) passive/aggressive attacks, and I know now that my MIL is not, and never will be, my supporter or friend.
> 
> Of course, my husband is wilfully blind to it all.
> 
> OP - does your bf/husband (don't know if you are married) - aware of what is going on?
> 
> This was a blind post, so I will now go back and read the rest of the thread ..
> 
> So


I'm married - 11 years. My husband never hears the passive/aggressive attacks either. At this point I don't have much contact with his mom; avoidance seems to be the only solution.


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## Sagidiva35

It is sad and wonderful to realise I'm not alone. This woman drives me crazy!!!!!

After 13 yrs of marriage, she still behaves as though he 'belongs" to her. I know I have to share, but I'm tired of sharing!

We live with her, so I am constantly under pressure.No privacy, no respect. We are planning on moving soon, but I worry that she will use her myriad illnesses as an excuse. We have no kids, and truly while I want kids, I'd prefer she be dead when I have them(I know that's harsh) but I really don't want her as part of their lives, she is a HORRIBLE influence. She lies, creates confusion and gossips, never minds her own business... the list is endless.:iagree:


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## FoodFrenzy

Enchanted said:


> I tend to have major jealousy issues when it comes to my husbands mother. This started at the beginning of our relationship when his mother was pretty verbal about me "taking her son away."
> 
> Does anyone else feel like this?


Jealous is not the word I would use to describe my feelings toward my Mother in Law. I find her incredibly odd as a person (both of my in-laws actually) but they are good people and even though I don't really "get" them, I respect them and find their quirkiness endearing... in small doses. If I saw them all the time, they would drive me batty.

I want my husband to have a good relationship with his parents, because I know they won't be here forever and moms and dads are important. HOWEVER, that said, I think my husband has an unhealthy attachment to them. He has essentially made it known that we can never move out of this area because he doesn't want to be apart from them. He also is terrified to have any sort of disagreement with them, even when they cross important boundaries. It's uncomfortable to see, but at the same time, they treat me well, so I have no reason to really be offended by it. If anything, it's my husband's actions that are more offputting.


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## Coffee Amore

Zombie thread..


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## FizzBomb

One of my pet hates .... ZOMBIE THREADS!!!


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