# Need advice...what should i do?



## mel (Jul 12, 2010)

My husband and I have been married 6 months, but been together for over 2 years. on may 28th 2010 I gave birth to my daughter. On june second 2010 I was looking through my husband‘s cellhpone to find pictures he took of our daughter and i found text messages he sent to a number i didn‘t recognize...the texts read "what do the people at your house think of us?" and "when can i make you orgasm again?" so me being obviously curious i texted the number and found out he had been paying this chick for sex for the past 3 months.
the last time being may 26th, when i confronted him at first he denied it, then started lying about it so i got fed up and called the other woman and put her on speaker phone. Found out he lied to her about his name, that he told her he wasn‘t married and mentioned nothing about our daughter. that he was seeing her everytime he went to his base for his weekends (he‘s in the army reserves) found out it happened anywhere between 3 and 7 times. He also kept nude photos of her on his phone.
After i calmed down and tried to get his reasonings behind it. he gave me a bunch of different excuses.
1.that he was scared i was going to cheat on him when he went overseas

2. that he was scared about being married and having a baby

3.that he felt because he is 22 he should have waited to get married and have children, that people his age are out partying and fooling around.

4. that he wasn't getting enough sex.

He has been trying to prove to me that he wants to change, but because hes being deployed to kuwait on july 31st i feel like we're damned due to the fact he'll be gone 400 days . i still have so much anger and pain directed at him from all of this that on some days i feel like it would just be easier to just move on. especially after finding out that that hes basically never been faithful to me i'm just so overwhelmed. Has anyone else had to deal with this type of situation?


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## mel (Jul 12, 2010)

another factor is i'm thinking of my daughter. On one hand i don't want her to grow up having seeing her father treat her mom like this, and on the other i don't want her wondering what it would be like if her parents had stayed together.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Oh Boy! You are definitely in a spot. Those excuses were pure "horse hockey", and he is a big fat liar to boot. I've put up with a sorry liar (& cheater) for the past five years. Unfortunately, it doesn't get any better. I honestly think you and your daughter would be better off without this in your lives.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well if he'll pay for sex here, he'll pay for sex when he's deployed too. I don't think he can be trusted.


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## Neverwouldhave guessed (May 5, 2010)

I hate to be negative, but you have a lot of strikes against the marriage working: you are young, not much history to the marriage, reluctance to accept responsibility of being a spouse/father, and anticipation of a long separation. Personally, I would start formulating a plan for your future (including the real possibilty the marriage cannot be sustained, considering his cheating.) I wish you the best. You can survive this - you have many good years ahead of you. Sometimes we don't get what we want, but what we need....


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

"_Sometimes we don't get what we want, but what we need.... _"

And sometimes we get what we ask for. The consideration for your daughter is unrealistic given the circumstances and the fact that he knows what he wants, which is everything his way. And you know what you have, which is a cheater. So what is the point making your daughter the excuse for not having the nerve to do what you know you should? Especially when she is the excuse for THIS time. Will she also be the excuse for next time? And the time after that?

I know you're overwhelmed. When you're in the middle of this, it is extremely difficult to screw your head on straight. So pull yourself together and make some decisions for yourself, set some standards in your life and live up to them. Either you are going to stay married to a cheater or you are not. If you stay, you don't get to be angry and hurt the next time around because you know it is coming and you decided to accept that. Many people have successful open marriages. That is something for you to consider. 

Should you determine for your life and your daughter that you refuse to be married to a cheater, then tomorrow is the time to leave. Don't give yourself time to concoct any more excuses. That is the decision you made and you have to accept it.

Whatever decision you make, you have to stick to it. And you do have to make a decision. Otherwise, you go through your marriage constantly subjected to your husband's whims. And that's another thing: You call them excuses, but he answered you just fine. He gave you his reasons for cheating, so you are best to believe him. 

2. Being a husband and father is intimidating to him.

3. At his age, he got married too soon and prefers to be able to party and have fun.

4. He will cheat whenever you don't feel like having sex, and whenever you are pregnant.

What is unbelievable about any of that? You took his words - his answers - and turned them into whatever you wanted them to be. Yet, his most unbelievable words - that he will change - you want to believe. In other words, you are in denial that he is a cheater, and you are trying very hard to set yourself up for this same pain and anger.

Another consideration is to break up for now before he goes to Kuwait. Tell him you and he can re-evaluate the relationship/marriage when he gets back, but that you don't want to call yourself *with him* when you know he is in Kuwait cheating on you. Spare yourself that kind of heartache, worrying, and wondering if he's cheating on you while he is away. You already know he will be. Obviously, you won't be there to give him "enough sex" so don't even bother to put yourself through it. And again, if you make this decision, you have to stick to it. You don't get to serve him divorce papers while he's gone because you found yourself another man. You have to be committed to whatever decision you make and whatever you tell him.


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## mel (Jul 12, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> "_Sometimes we don't get what we want, but what we need.... _"
> 
> And sometimes we get what we ask for. The consideration for your daughter is unrealistic given the circumstances and the fact that he knows what he wants, which is everything his way. And you know what you have, which is a cheater. So what is the point making your daughter the excuse for not having the nerve to do what you know you should? Especially when she is the excuse for THIS time. Will she also be the excuse for next time? And the time after that?
> 
> ...


I appreciate your honesty, you've also replied to my husband's post. He is cosmoX. My daughter isn't my excuse to do anything. Regardless of what happens between her father and I, he will be in the picture. We've gone to counseling a few times, which he actually signed up for. But you are right on many things, He was eventually honest about everything he did and his reasons for doing it. In a sense I am in denial about him cheating, because in all reality who wants to admit to themselves that the person they loved the most could do this to them? The decision isn't all about me either, it's about all three of us. All i truly want for everyone is happiness. 

After everything went down and ALOT of heated arguements (obviously far away from my daughter) He is making an effort to change things. wherever he goes he lets me know where hes at, either with pictures or a phone call. there are no longer any passwords that i don't know. The other factor in this is that our entire families know what's going on.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I'm sorry, Mel. I don't recall a member named CosmoX and the search engine didn't return any results except your mention of the name here in this thread.


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## mel (Jul 12, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/14011-i-cheated-my-wife.html that is the link to his post.


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