# sexual attraction



## Lowrider (Jul 8, 2010)

I have been married for 4 months now. I have always had anxiety around sex. In my past i have struggled with watching pornography, and have also struggled with depression and anxiety. I still view pornography occaisionally, maybe once or twice a week. I recently decided to start journally my thoughts because I was feeling not myself and needed to do some self reflection. for the past week I had been feeling disconnected sexually from my wife, and decided to write about it. I had mentioned in my writing that i was feeling sexually unattracted to my wife, and was feeling frustrated that she was alittle overweight and didnt do any exersise. She accidently came across my journal and read that. She confontonted it with me. I felt so baddly that I wanted to die. I love my wife so very much and dont want to lose her. sometimes i do find her excess weight unhealthy and unattractive but not always. I also know I have a problem seeing sex in terms of how things are portrayed in media and porn. I have suffered from sexual dysfunction and require cialis to counteract the effect of the antidepressants I take. This bothers me a great deal. And it also takes away some of my sex drive. I think sometimes I am reflecting that onto her. I really just hate to think that from now on she will have in the back of her mind that I find her ugly, or unattractive. Unfortunately there have been a few other times in our relationship when she has felt ive been judging her becuase of her wieght. And sometimes I think she is right. I sometimes do feel judgy. I feel like the worst human being right now and just feel like crawling in a hole and dying. I want to make things right, but dont know how. wondering if anyone had any advice?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

How overweight is your wife?

I think you need to come clean that you are not attracted to your wife. I am very honest and upfront about that with my H. i told him if he puts on even 20 lbs im not going to be attracted to him. if he doesnt exercise and becomes lazy i wont be attracted to him. im very blunt about it. i do tell him i still love him, but wont be attracted to him. I wish he would be honest with me about his attraction to me. But actions speak louder then words. 

the porn complicates things for your wife- dont i know it. But you need to recognize what you can control and what you cannot. i struggle with low self-esteem from my H's porn use. but that is my issue. there are some things my H can do to help me want to stay with him- like quit porn and go to counseling- but the damage to my self-esteem is something only I can fix. Your wife will have her own battle that you cannot fix for her. 

Focus on your issues. You're not attracted to her and you need to be honest about that. That is your issue. is it going to hurt her- of course. But that is her issue. it is already hurting her in more deprecating ways with all the deception. Just be honest.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

The porn addiction is obviously a problem, not only because of the guilt you'll carry, but because you'll divert all remaining sexual attention away from your wife. Part of your depression may have to do with this. Undoubtedly the lack of sexual connection is catapulting you back into the addiction, which is easier to feed than expending the effort required to repair the relationship. 

As for the weight, I don't know what a "little overweight" means. But if it's a significant amount of weight for her height/build and she makes no concerted effort to stay fit, then quite obviously this is extremely unattractive! She simply must accept that the vast majority of men are this way. Waging a small war over it now is still easier than pretending. Otherwise, you double your resentment and wind up dealing with it later anyhow. At that point, she will be at least 10 times madder than she is now.

Good luck!


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## Lowrider (Jul 8, 2010)

I felt reallly really bad when she read that. I reacted by trying to explain with more detail some of the things I was going through at the time and explained that I dont always feel that way. I explained that i was trying to sort out my thoughts and that I was feeling disconnected sexually from her, but that myu feelings for her have not changed. I explained that I sometimes get stuck in thinking that sex should be a certain way, and that I often get caught up in the "superficial aspects" of sex, and how woman should look. I also explained that I do desire to see her more active, and that I thought she would feel better, have more energy ect... if she was more active. 

I think pornography has warped my sense of how women should look and what enjoyable sex should look like. I never talked to her about that becuase I feel shameful and dont want to hurt her more. I do feel better in my use of pornagraphy though. Before I began a relationship with her I was looking at it more than 3-4 times a week. I now have cut that down to 1-2 times per week. My goal is to stop using it alltogether.

I feel that I actually am very attracted to my wife. There are many aspects of her that I find very physically attractive.I think she is about 15-20 pounds overweight. I dont desire to see her super skinny. I just think she would look/feel so much better if she were to lose a few pounds. And I guess that sometimes i do get frustrated that she desires to be more physically active, says she is going to work out, or go to the gym, but doesnt.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Lots of good advice from everyone so you don't need mine other than I have to say why are you writing such highly personal and private stuff on a computer that isn't locked with a password?


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## Lowrider (Jul 8, 2010)

it wasnt on a computer it was just in a journal style note book, which i had in my car


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You have been married for only 4 months and now all of a sudden her weight bothers you?


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