# My pregnant wife had an "emotional" affair...



## eddiejov55

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. She is 4 months pregnant with our 1st child and recently returned from a trip to visit her family in California (we live on the east coast). Her flight was delayed and I looked in her email account for a confirmation number to check the status, and found evidence of an emotional affair with another man. This individual lives in Las Vegas and is a friend from her past.

The content: 
- sexual emails about what they would do to each other
- the other man sending her communication about wanting to be a good husband to her
- the other man sending her communication about co-parenting

I confronted her upon return and she confirmed the information that I read was accurate and that she had been talking to him for 3 months. As expected cried, she apologized, says that it was daydreaming, admitted to kissing him in LA, and asked to go to marriage counseling to save our marriage. She contacted him that evening to tell him that she will not be talking to him again, etc, etc, etc. 

For full disclosure, I have not had an affair. I am a level headed person. I love my wife and believe in the vows that we made to each other, but I cannot get past the fact that my pregnant wife would talk to another man about (1) being married to him and (2) raising my unborn child with him. Daydream or not, this feels worse than finding them together in my bed. 

Part of me wants to save my marriage, and part of me wants a divorce due to these actions. 

Has anyone out there found success in marriage counseling to reconcile these issues?


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## Hicks

You could have success but you have to recognize a few things.

1. There is a good likelyhood that she will try to take her affair underground. You need to go into a spying mode.

2. There is a high likleyhood that they had sex on that trip.

You should ask a moderator to move your post to coping with infidelity.

What you should do immediately:
1. Get aceess to her phone passwords, computer etc... FROM HER.
2. Make an appointment with a person who can do lie detector tests.
3. Make copies of your proof and put them in a safe place such as a safe place out of you house.


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## WorkingOnMe

Kissing is cheater speak for sex. Schedule a polygraph to get the truth.


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## michzz

You need to dig deeper before she deletes evidence.

And also MUST not reveal what you are doing to her.

It is almost a certainty that if she admitted to a kiss that she did more than that, despite being pregnant.

Hard to get your head around that.

Even harder to get your head around the possibility that this so-called emotional affair may have been going on for longer than you think.

Time to take a deep breath and get to working on finding out what transpired and with whom.

If that OM was talking about coparenting, what do you think that means?

Seriously, think about it.


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## BostonBruins32

Kisssed? 

Affairs bring out the porn version of wives. When I was in college, I hooked up with a woman who told me she was separated (I later think she may have been lying). She literally couldnt just kiss, instead she behaved literally like an actor from the "milf" category of p0rnhub.

Point is, she didnt just kiss him.


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## eddiejov55

The "affairs bring out the porn version of wives" puts things into perspective. Good comment. 

It sounds like broad consensus that "kiss" is simply a gate-way comment to what really happened...


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## hubbydude

I'm sure you don't want to jump to the conclusions that others are suggesting. But, if he lives in Las Vegas what was he doing in LA with her? Was she the reason he was in LA?


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## eddiejov55

hubbydude said:


> I'm sure you don't want to jump to the conclusions that others are suggesting. But, if he lives in Las Vegas what was he doing in LA with her? Was she the reason he was in LA?


Oh, the irony of the situation: I flew her out to LA (this happened this past weekend BTW) so that she could tell her grandfather that she is pregnant with his first great-grandchild. For a little more info: prior to me discovering the emails, my wife has mentioned this guy to me before. The conversation would be something like this: 

ME: "I could never work in the food service industry...I don't know how people do it."

WIFE: "Oh, it's not that bad...you have to have people there to make it fun! There was this one time that XXX (name of guy)..."

It has been in these kind of settings that I have heard his name before. To top things off, not only was she in LA to visit her grandfather, but she told me in advance of her trip that she was going to meet up with this guy for lunch. Feeling as though my marriage was secure, I didn't have any issues with her having lunch with an old friend...little did I know...


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## Hicks

Don't confront her without proof.

A VAR would be a good idea. Please PM the user weightlifter and ask him what VAR to use. Or search for posts by him, he has posted a long thing about VARS and spying that you should read before doning anything.


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## MSP

eddiejov55 said:


> Has anyone out there found success in marriage counseling to reconcile these issues?


Marriage counselling will do squat unless you first do the things suggested here so far. 

You are going to have to do further spying if you want to know the real truth, because now she will take everything underground, maybe with a secret phone, secret email accounts, etc. 

There is no way on Earth that a guy she's been talking to about raising children together flew from Vegas to L.A. and they only kissed. Seriously?


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## MSP

Hicks said:


> Don't confront her without proof.


He already did confront her, based on what was found in her emails.


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## Hicks

I meant dont confront her about having sex since she will just lie.
Don't act like you are still overly suspicous. 

Read this... 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/191082-woke-up-5.html#post8742786


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## ReidWright

Kiss, Lunch, ya right.

what was her travel schedule like around the probable conception dates? Any 'working lates' or 'girl's night outs' around then?


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## Zatol Ugot?

Get a paternity test.


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## mablenc

eddiejov55 said:


> Oh, the irony of the situation: I flew her out to LA (this happened this past weekend BTW) so that she could tell her grandfather that she is pregnant with his first great-grandchild. For a little more info: prior to me discovering the emails, my wife has mentioned this guy to me before. The conversation would be something like this:
> 
> ME: "I could never work in the food service industry...I don't know how people do it."
> 
> WIFE: "Oh, it's not that bad...you have to have people there to make it fun! There was this one time that XXX (name of guy)..."
> 
> It has been in these kind of settings that I have heard his name before. To top things off, not only was she in LA to visit her grandfather, but she told me in advance of her trip that she was going to meet up with this guy for lunch. Feeling as though my marriage was secure, I didn't have any issues with her having lunch with an old friend...little did I know...


Maybe it was not grandpa she was going to tell she was pregnate. Normally, you pick up the phone to tell gramps, not fly in to tell him in person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch

This can give you some insight and help moving forward. Browse the sites, download the books today...

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have.

Sorry about for the reason you're here. Do you really think you have the whole story? How long has she known him? Whats their background story? There was some connection between them to progress this fast...

Good luck.


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## bandit.45

She had sex with him. No way a guy flies from LV to LA for just to meet for a meal and talk. 

Would you fly to LA to meet a woman just to go out for dinner and nothing else?

Dig deeper. Call your phone service provider and see if you can get the texts going back three months recovered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad

bandit.45 said:


> She had sex with him. No way a guy flies from LV to LA for just to meet for a meal and talk.
> 
> Would you fly to LA to meet a woman just to go out for dinner and nothing else?
> 
> Dig deeper. Call your phone service provider and see if you can get the texts going back three months recovered.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Jesus. 

I'm going to be the **** who says it out loud: do what you can to ensure that the baby is yours.


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## eddiejov55

mablenc said:


> Maybe it was not grandpa she was going to tell she was pregnate. Normally, you pick up the phone to tell gramps, not fly in to tell him in person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, she was there to tell her grandfather. I was on "facetime" so that I could participate. So that part is true. I do believe that this has been facilitated through phone calls, emails, and text messages because we work for the same company, her job has zero travel, and we're together every night...so she hasn't snuck to Las Vegas without me knowing. This is really the only weekend that I have not been with her since we have been married, so she is batting 100% on cheating on me on weekends where she is away from me.


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## eddiejov55

anchorwatch said:


> This can give you some insight and help moving forward. Browse the sites, download the books today...
> 
> Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"
> 
> Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have.
> 
> Sorry about for the reason you're here. Do you really think you have the whole story? How long has she known him? Whats their background story? There was some connection between them to progress this fast...
> 
> Good luck.


Yes, there is a background. This guy is not random. They went to college together and worked at the same location during college. Like I said previously, this isn't the first time I've heard his name. She has openly told me stories about this guy from "back in the day" and I knew that he lived on the west coast. Before she went out there, she told me that she was going to have lunch with him...so no red flags until they were waving in my face


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## bandit.45

The one mistake you made was telling her it was okay to see her ex. 

You never , ever, ever, ever , ever do that. 

Ex-lovers have no place on a marriage. None. Already you and your wife failed to establish an enforceable boundary. Jesus you really stepped in it didn't you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## syhoybenden

Buy her a one-way ticket to Vegas. 

Hand it to her.

Tell her abortions are easy to get there.


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## happi_g_more2

syhoybenden said:


> Buy her a one-way ticket to Vegas.
> 
> Hand it to her.
> 
> Tell her abortions are easy to get there.


yeah, make the unborn kid suffer by killing it.


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## bandit.45

Let her family know what she did. Expose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

bandit.45 said:


> Let her family know what she did. Expose.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This^^^ Plus...
Whether she works or stays at home those two had plenty of chances for meeting up.
If she works she can leave early from work or just take the day off and meet him at his hotel and you would be none the wiser!
I suggest you get away for a few days and tell her the marriage is on hold as of now and leave it at that.
Those texts sounded more than just fantasy to me.
Get that baby DNA tested.
When the trust is gone what is left?


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## tom67

michzz said:


> You need to dig deeper before she deletes evidence.
> 
> And also MUST not reveal what you are doing to her.
> 
> It is almost a certainty that if she admitted to a kiss that she did more than that, despite being pregnant.
> 
> Hard to get your head around that.
> 
> Even harder to get your head around the possibility that this so-called emotional affair may have been going on for longer than you think.
> 
> Time to take a deep breath and get to working on finding out what transpired and with whom.
> 
> If that OM was talking about coparenting, what do you think that means?
> 
> Seriously, think about it.


It means he thinks he is the father.


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## MattMatt

michzz said:


> You need to dig deeper before she deletes evidence.
> 
> And also MUST not reveal what you are doing to her.
> 
> *It is almost a certainty that if she admitted to a kiss that she did more than that, despite being pregnant.*
> 
> Hard to get your head around that.
> 
> Even harder to get your head around the possibility that this so-called emotional affair may have been going on for longer than you think.
> 
> Time to take a deep breath and get to working on finding out what transpired and with whom.
> 
> If that OM was talking about coparenting, what do you think that means?
> 
> Seriously, think about it.


She could have cheated _especially_ because she was pregnant!

After all, it's a very effective form of birth control. Nobody gets pregnant whilst they are pregnant.

Your wife is a cheat, so please ask for this thread to be moved to Coping With Infidelity.

Have yourself and your deluded wife checked for STDs. They can harm the baby.

Also, is the baby yours?


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## MattMatt

tom67 said:


> It means he thinks he is the father.


Or is thinking "ready-made family" or is telling her whatever guff he thinks she wants to hear.


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## weightlifter

1). Gramps was likely a pretext to get near him. Iirc. LA to LV is four hours. Of course she actually followed thru the pretext.
2). Someone copy over my standard instruction post.
3). Steel yourself this is likely ugly.
4). Get all your evidence copied in two places. One cloud one usb stick.
5). Ask user sqeakr about "never had time for an affair". Guess again.
Literally within sight of you 24/7 for the last year? Uh huh.
First priority is get the existing evidence saved and safe.


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## GusPolinski

eddiejov55 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 4 years. *She is 4 months pregnant* with our 1st child and recently returned from a trip to visit her family in California (we live on the east coast). Her flight was delayed and I looked in her email account for a confirmation number to check the status, and found evidence of an emotional affair with another man. This individual lives in Las Vegas and is a friend from her past.
> 
> The content:
> - sexual emails about what they would do to each other
> - the other man sending her communication about wanting to be a good husband to her
> - the other man sending her communication about co-parenting
> 
> I confronted her upon return and she confirmed the information that I read was accurate and that *she had been talking to him for 3 months.* As expected cried, she apologized, says that it was daydreaming, *admitted to kissing him in LA*, and asked to go to marriage counseling to save our marriage. She contacted him that evening to tell him that she will not be talking to him again, etc, etc, etc.
> 
> For full disclosure, I have not had an affair. I am a level headed person. I love my wife and believe in the vows that we made to each other, but I cannot get past the fact that my pregnant wife would talk to another man about (1) being married to him and (2) raising my unborn child with him. Daydream or not, this feels worse than finding them together in my bed.
> 
> Part of me wants to save my marriage, and part of me wants a divorce due to these actions.
> 
> Has anyone out there found success in marriage counseling to reconcile these issues?


*cough* Bullsh*t! 

1. "Just kissing" means that they went all the way...
2. ...and probably around -- oh, I don't know -- FOUR MONTHS AGO!!!
3. Get ready to DNA the kid.

I mean, seriously... He's talking about co-parenting and you let her convince you that all she did was kiss him?!? 

Dude, wake up!!!

Sorry you're here, man.


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## nuclearnightmare

OP

Very sorry you are dealing with such a horrible situation. Do you have friends or relatives you can confide in, so you're not carrying all this on your own?

I suppose it would be good to get more info by going stealth etc. But IMO you already have sufficient evidence she had sexual contact with the guy........more than kissing. No matter how much she denies it don't believe her, and keep telling her you don't believe her. 
Prepare for the worst - I.e. get a consult with a lawyer on how child support and custody would work. You'll have fewer unknowns going forward and that will help you to keep calm.

And for god sakes, control your temper but DO NOT fail to tell her how angry and resentful you are at what she did. If the sight of her nauseates you tell her, if you think of her as a hore now, tell her. Don't hold all of that in. Let her cry a river if she has to. That's her problem not yours.


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## happi_g_more2

some of these posts seem so downright fantastical, i have a hard time even replying. However....
1) take all the comments here in stride. your wife could be just be fooked up in the head, affraid to have a kid and did a really really really stupid thing in starting this emotional affair that ended with them kissing.....or she fu*ked him.
2) It might cost you an arm and a leg, but get a DNA test now..before the baby comes and you get attached.
3) I agree with the poster that suggested to expose. you should do that to everyone. Include a no contact ultimatum. she so much as mentions his name are you are out the door.

Just my opinion


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## bandit.45

No....she is out the door....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Wow. This OP is a real clinger on. He hasn't posted in over 12 hours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pufferfish

Dear eddie,

It's about probabilities isn't it? The possibility that another man wants your wife so much that he is prepared to co-parent your child? Possible, but unlikely. More likely your wife cuckolded you big time and the other man thinks the child is his. Sorry man, that's the way it looks from here. Your wife has already deceived you. You believe her BS story? Get out & divorce while you are ahead. You don't want another man's child being born into your marriage. You may be liable. There isn't a lot worse than paying for a child conceived from your wife's affair. If the kid turns out to be yours, then you can consider reconciliation. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF

MSP said:


> Marriage counselling will do squat unless you first do the things suggested here so far.
> 
> You are going to have to do further spying if you want to know the real truth, because now she will take everything underground, maybe with a secret phone, secret email accounts, etc.
> 
> There is no way on Earth that a guy she's been talking to about raising children together flew from Vegas to L.A. and they only kissed. Seriously?


I agree

Forget about spying, above should be assumed. 

Kiss my ass....

I would collect as much evidence as possible and start getting ready for divorce.

I would also get a DNA test for the child. If she did this while pregnant, I would assume she might have done it before.

What kind of a woman cheats on their man while pregnant though? That is the lowest of the low, I'm sorry.


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## eddiejov55

Interesting mix of feedback. Geez, you guys don't hold anything back eh! A few follow up points: 

(1) I've got the VARS purchased and now need to figure out where to install (car?)

(2) I've got the passwords to accounts and have looked over all materials. 

(3) I've made copies of the emails between the two of them. 

(4) I've contacted an attorney and have scheduled a consultation for today. 

(5) There have been suggestions of a lie-detector test, this is on the "to do" list. But for those that have gone through with this, how does it operate? Do we go together? Do I give a list of questions to the proctor?

(6) The paternity test is the toughest part for me, but it is on the "to do" list as well...

Is there anything else that I'm missing?


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## Hicks

What is your wife's state right now?
Is she acting remorseful? Does she want to be married? Did she tell you why she did this? Is she upset with herself? Does she feel she did something wrong?


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## DoF

eddiejov55 said:


> Interesting mix of feedback. Geez, you guys don't hold anything back eh! A few follow up points:
> 
> (1) I've got the VARS purchased and now need to figure out where to install (car?)
> 
> (2) I've got the passwords to accounts and have looked over all materials.
> 
> (3) I've made copies of the emails between the two of them.
> 
> (4) I've contacted an attorney and have scheduled a consultation for today.
> 
> (5) There have been suggestions of a lie-detector test, this is on the "to do" list. But for those that have gone through with this, how does it operate? Do we go together? Do I give a list of questions to the proctor?
> 
> (6) The paternity test is the toughest part for me, but it is on the "to do" list as well...
> 
> Is there anything else that I'm missing?


Personally, I don't believe in lie detector tests.......I wouldn't recommend it.

I would add one more thing.

STD test for yourself!

I would also have a deep conversation with your wife and ask her what made her do this. Focus on anything that YOU might have done or did she simply just cheat.

Key here is to find out what you might have done wrong (without actually saying it to her)....this way you can correct it/learn lessons and not do it again in the future marriage.


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## eddiejov55

Hicks said:


> What is your wife's state right now?
> Is she acting remorseful? Does she want to be married? Did she tell you why she did this? Is she upset with herself? Does she feel she did something wrong?


The past 16 hours have been a roller coaster of emotion. She appears remorseful. She spent all night crying, begging for forgiveness, talking about how she ruined our marriage, talking the grief that she will feel for the rest of her life for what she caused, begging for me to stay with her, questioning her ability to be a mother, etc, etc, etc. I used this time to ask some probing questions and she was forthcoming with information. 

She called him the night I confronted her and told him not to contact her again. She called him yesterday and told him to stop texting her. I have all of this guy's contact information -- debating about whether to contact him, but not sure what that would solve. Anyone gone the route of confronting the other guy?

She has volunteered to change her cell phone number, cancel email accounts. I am the financial guru of the house, so I manage all finances and have access to her credit report. I have not seen any private accounts. I've reviewed the past 12 months of cell phone bills, have notes of every call that was made/received to this individual, and have a good record of when the calls started, etc. 

So this is where we stand. 

I'm hesitant on the "expose her" because it would have negative ramifications on my life if we stay together. Trust me, I really want her parents/friends to find out what she has done, but the negatives of this action outweigh the positives at this point. Like I said, I've got the VARS purchased and my recon is in full swing...so my opinion could change very quickly if I move away from reconciliation and towards divorce.


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## DoF

eddiejov55 said:


> The past 16 hours have been a roller coaster of emotion. She appears remorseful. She spent all night crying, begging for forgiveness, talking about how she ruined our marriage, talking the grief that she will feel for the rest of her life for what she caused, begging for me to stay with her, questioning her ability to be a mother, etc, etc, etc. I used this time to ask some probing questions and she was forthcoming with information.


This would drive MOST women away....begging and crying.

But funny how that doesn't apply to men. She is using it against you (I think). Trying to make you feel bad for her etc.



eddiejov55 said:


> She called him the night I confronted her and told him not to contact her again. She called him yesterday and told him to stop texting her. I have all of this guy's contact information -- debating about whether to contact him, but not sure what that would solve. Anyone gone the route of confronting the other guy?


Your beef is not with the guy, it's with your wife.

She called him the other day and told him to not contact her at all? To this kind of a guy, that means "contact more".

Proper step would've been to block everything from his end.......but that would completely cut cords to the guy (you should know this, she should too, or perhaps already did....thus phone call only?)



eddiejov55 said:


> She has volunteered to change her cell phone number, cancel email accounts. I am the financial guru of the house, so I manage all finances and have access to her credit report. I have not seen any private accounts. I've reviewed the past 12 months of cell phone bills, have notes of every call that was made/received to this individual, and have a good record of when the calls started, etc.
> 
> So this is where we stand.
> 
> I'm hesitant on the "expose her" because it would have negative ramifications on my life if we stay together. Trust me, I really want her parents/friends to find out what she has done, but the negatives of this action outweigh the positives at this point. Like I said, I've got the VARS purchased and my recon is in full swing...so my opinion could change very quickly if I move away from reconciliation and towards divorce.


Smart, don't go advertising.....

I think you need to clear your mind a bit and give it time. 

How does the saying go?

Don't ever make any major decisions during the great happiness or great sadness. 

Wait until things come down to earth, clear your head and THINK with your brain at that point. 

Although I have to give you credit, based on your current action plan etc it seems like you are already doing that (bravo).


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## eddiejov55

DoF said:


> She called him the other day and told him to not contact her at all? To this kind of a guy, that means "contact more". Proper step would've been to block everything from his end.......but that would completely cut cords to the guy (you should know this, she should too, or perhaps already did....thus phone call only?)


Well, the night that I confronted her, she said that she knew that she was wrong and volunteered to call him and tell him not to call again. I agreed with this and was in the room when she called him. His number has been blocked from her phone and that will suffice until her number is changed. She gave me access to her phone and he did send her a text message...so I agree that these type of people interpret "stop" to mean "go."


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## Hicks

There is only one reason to expose. And that is to KILL and affair. It's like chemotherapy. It can work but it has dangerous side effects. So regardless of what anyone tells you, you should not expose if your wife has ended the affair. 

It seems to me that you are getting the best case reaction from your wife. Regret and remorse. And she is acting like she is done with the affair. Therefore do not expose. However, as you are monitoring her, then you may find out that all her emotion is a lie. Rule of thumb is that cheaters lie. That's when a good exposure could work.

Is this man married? If so, you should inform his wife. That will likely cause him to stop contacting your wife. 

Regarding your contact with him, generally no good comes of that. But you could tell your wife that you are more than willing to handle him for her ( not I did not say ASK your wife if she wants you to... Tell her you are willing to. Her reaction will tell you alot).

Since she offered to change her numbers and cancel her email, I would tell her yes to that. She is telling you that she does not trust herself.

Regarding her fitness to be a mother, she is right. I know this may sound insane. Suggesting that the child be put up for adoption will show her how serious her actions were and how many other people were affected by her actions... A consequence.

Lie Detector Test..... First, do you want to know whether she had sex with him? You have to decide that first. The lie detector test is a tool to enable that information to be attained. You start by requiring her to come clean, and explain to her that you need the entire truth as a condition of remaining married. That she may think she's better off lying but you have to tell her that thought process is wrong. That you need the truth for your healing. And then you ask her to write a complete timeline of her affair. IF she refuses, that is futher information to you that she is lying. If she does write it down, and it does not admit having sex, this is what you do. Tell her you scheduled a lie detector test at the police station for tomorrow. If she refuses the test, she is lying. IF she accepts the test you drive her down there. In the car ask her if she has told you everything. If she makes it all the way to the police station parking lot and is willing to go inside without saying she had sex, then she is probably telling the truth. You then make a fake phone call and say you messed up the date, and you have to reschedule it. Ulitmately you may need an actual lie detector test, but mainly the threat of one is the tool (not the actual test).


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## C123

Eddie - I feel for you buddy. You've gotten a lot of great advice here and I don't have much to add other than I'm sorry you're in this situation and I'm very impressed with your response.

I echo that it's important to make sure the child is yours. It probably is 99% yours, but you are going to want to know. Otherwise it will eat at you forever. 

I also think it's likely they had sex. When my wife's infidelity was uncovered she also told me she only "kissed" him, but I'm sure they had sex. I didn't really want to know. It wouldn't help me heal to hear it from her so I made sure she was serious about repairing the damage (which we were both responsible for) and moving forward. Once I was sure of that, I let it go. I still think about it from time to time, but it doesn't bother me. It's just an unanswered question that I don't want to know the answer to. We now have 3 beautiful children and life has gone on...not always perfectly...but pretty damn good.

It can be a *****, but Eric Idle said it best, "always look on the bright side of life." We're just human after all. Totally imperfect beings.

Best of luck to you.


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## happi_g_more2

With the lie detector test, keep in mind, a cpuile of things

1) alot of times you'll get the parking lot confession. 
2) If she wont agree to take one, she f*cked him. 
3) If she does agree, but starts dragging her feet, she f*cked him. 
4) She may string you all the up to and through the test, so be prepared for the test to show that she is lying.


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## weightlifter

Complete VAR instructions. Plus lots of other stuff. Take the VARS back if they are not sony. Especially the RCA ones. RCA has a timeout feature. NO i have no financial interest in Sony but I KNOW WHAT WORKS!

Remember you NEVER ever tell about the VARS. NEVER EVER give them up or talk about them as sources. EVER!

VARs and evidence

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts with little evidence RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! 

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY a cheap VAR. SONY SONY SONY. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon here IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

IMPORTANT warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or activity... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!! 

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" They don't use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

If paternity is in doubt, (gredit graywolf2) SNP Microarray: Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother’s womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA — as little as found in a single cell. 

Credit john1068 
Is her internet browsers set up to use Google as the default search engine? And does she use a gmail account? If so, she can delete here browser history all she wants, that only deletes the history that is localbin the browser itself...

On ANY computer, navigate to https://google.com/history. Log in using her gmail credentials and you'll have all history right there. Cant be deleted unless your wife logs in this same way...she'd only be deleting Chrome, IE, or Firefox history, not the Google history when deleting within the browser itself. 

There does not appear to be a function within the Android OS that allows the recall of deleted info as is found on IOS. However, even on Android, When a text is deleted, the OS simply "loses" the address to where it is on the memory chip, but it's still there. 

Go to your computer and navigate to Dr. Fone for Android @ Dr.Fone for Android - Android Phone & Tablet Data Recovery SoftwareAndroid Phone Data Recovery.

You can download a trial version if you're operating system is XP/Vista/Win 7/Win 8 all on either 32 or 64 bit.

Download the program to your computer, open it, connect the Android phone to the computer via the micro USB cable and follow the instructions on the Dr. Fone program. You can recover deleted SMS, MMS, photos (yes, this includes SnapChats), vids, and documents.

Not everything is recoverable because the operating system continues to overwrite the data so if you don't recover this data on a regular basis, you may miss some pieces...

But there are also many Android apps that store deleted files and texts, even some that allow you to download and HID the app (ex. ). 

They are also in her Spotlight Search...don't even need to connect to a computer. All deleted texts are still held onto. Type in the contact TELEPHONE number and every text, even the deleted ones, will show up in the search.

IOS 7 from any home screen put your finger in the middle of the screen and swipe downward. Enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

IOS 6 from the first home screen, swipe left, enter the telephone number and start reading the hits. 

Credit rodphoto 01162014 
After researching the web for countless hours about software to find deleted messages on my wife's iphone I figured out this super easy method.

From the home screen swipe left to right until the spotlight page appears. Its a screen with the key board at bottom and a box at the top that says "search iphone" type your typical search words, anything sexual etc... All past messeges containing the search word will appear on a list, deleted or not. You'll only get the first line but that is usually enough. Just busted my wife again doing this a few days ago!

Rugs: swipe left on your first page of the main menu.

"spotlight search" under settings -> general -> spotlight search has to show "messages" as ticked. 

Right here, right now: Taking screenshots on iOS devices -> hold down home button and press sleep button. The screenshot will be placed under your photo album.

Also there is an app to "stitch" messages like a panoramic photo, but only for iPad. go to app store and search "stitch". Damn it's 4 am. i need to go to bed. 

Note that this applies only to Spotlight Search in IOS 6 and lower. For IOS 7 running on Iphone 4 and 5, put your finger in the middle of any of the home screens and swipe downward. 

Type in the search string you want (telephone number, contact name, keyword, etc) and it will search every instance in the iPhone where that appears. 

You may FIRST want to go into the Settings>General>Spotlight Search and then check or uncheck the areas that you want to search - make certain that "messages" and "mail" are CHECKED or else your search will not look into these areas. The same info is on the spot light on the ipad too ! If the settings isnt checked off, you can find all the same history! 

Credit tacoma 03072014

This Google search history page weightlifter mentioned here doesn't just record the search term it records everything spoken into Google Now by voice command. There is a text read out for everything spoken into the phone through Google Now and since Androids later versions have integrated Google Now right into the OS just about everything spoken into an Android phone is saved at https://google.com/history

Commands to call me, entire voice texts, everything said into the phone is right here. I don't even know how it could be deleted if you wanted to. Considering almost everyone has an Android phone and voice command is becoming more popular this is a nice tool for a BS. It even has every Google Maps/Navigator GPS search saved.


----------



## eddiejov55

Great responses from everyone. I appreciate the "truth hurts" comments as well as the ones from a place of compassion. Both are useful. But man, you guys are blunt!

Here is what puzzles me: I understand that people have affairs all of the time. I'm not the first person to be bamboozled by their wife. But I'm a guy. I think like a guy. If Sofia Vergara knocked on my door and wanted to sleep with me, I'm game. But if a pregnant Sofia Vergara knocked on my door and wanted to sleep with me, I'm not game. I find my pregnant wife to be attractive because she is carrying my child. But do other guys really want to have an affair with a woman who is pregnant? Who does that? I can't envision a scenario where having an affair with a pregnant woman entices me...


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## happi_g_more2

eddiejov55 said:


> Great responses from everyone. I appreciate the "truth hurts" comments as well as the ones from a place of compassion. Both are useful. But man, you guys are blunt!
> 
> Here is what puzzles me: I understand that people have affairs all of the time. I'm not the first person to be bamboozled by their wife. But I'm a guy. I think like a guy. If Sofia Vergara knocked on my door and wanted to sleep with me, I'm game. But if a pregnant Sofia Vergara knocked on my door and wanted to sleep with me, I'm not game. I find my pregnant wife to be attractive because she is carrying my child. But do other guys really want to have an affair with a woman who is pregnant? Who does that? I can't envision a scenario where having an affair with a pregnant woman entices me...


Think of it like this. Do you think Bill Gates still works for the money? If I had 1/10000 of the money he has, Id drink beer and fish all day. He does what he does for the power. some sick ****s like walking around thinking they can sleep with whomever they want. thats what gets them off. "I bagged a _____ chick". Put in any adjective you want:

Black
Asian
Deaf
Blind
Married
Pregnant
Old
Young

It doesnt matter. Its notch on his sick and twisted bedpost.

He could also really be in love with your wife and doesnt give a **** what condition she is in....and for most chicks, if a guy is handsome/successful and in love with them, its a HUGE turn on (husband or not)


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## C123

Alternatively, he thinks it's his kid, so it's not a power play. He's just continuing to sleep with the woman who is carrying his child.


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## bandit.45

Eddie I see where she has remorse and has been crying and begging.

But did she admit to actually having sex with him? Have you told her that the idea of him travelling all the way from LV to LA just for dinner and a stolen kiss makes no logical sense in the real world. Have you told her you weren't born yesterday? Have you told her you know she is lying through her cheating teeth?


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## Fozzy

Here's where I'd break ranks from many around here. Normally I'd say keep a lid on things while you're in spy mode, however the health of the baby takes precedence in this case. If she had sex with the guy, she needs to get tested for STD's. Some of them could affect the baby in utero. That may not be able to wait for you to gather proof.


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## eddiejov55

bandit.45 said:


> Eddie I see where she has remorse and has been crying and begging.
> 
> But did she admit to actually having sex with him? Have you told her that the idea of him travelling all the way from LV to LA just for dinner and a stolen kiss makes no logical sense in the real world. Have you told her you weren't born yesterday? Have you told her you know she is lying through her cheating teeth?


Yep. I've been down this road. 

She was literally sobbing at my feet insisting that the child is mine and that she did not have sex with him. It was a difficult scene to witness. After reviewing 12 months of cell phone records, I would lean towards the 99% the child is mine because the first call between the two of them was in February 2014 and I was informed about the baby in January 2014. I'm not making excuses. I'm still getting the paternity test. But this is why I think that the child is mine.


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## eddiejov55

Fozzy said:


> Here's where I'd break ranks from many around here. Normally I'd say keep a lid on things while you're in spy mode, however the health of the baby takes precedence in this case. If she had sex with the guy, she needs to get tested for STD's. Some of them could affect the baby in utero. That may not be able to wait for you to gather proof.


Very good advice. I think this really helps put a spotlight on the severity of the issue and will continue to hammer home, that there are life long consequences to the choices that are made.


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## tom67

The act is bad enough but it's the months of deception and lies that usually ends a marriage.
Ask yourself do you want to be like a prison warden constantly checking up and wondering where she is who she is with ect.

Take your time in whatever you decide.


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## happi_g_more2

eddiejov55 said:


> Yep. I've been down this road.
> 
> She was literally sobbing at my feet insisting that the child is mine and that she did not have sex with him. It was a difficult scene to witness. After reviewing 12 months of cell phone records, I would lean towards the 99% the child is mine because the first call between the two of them was in February 2014 and I was informed about the baby in January 2014. I'm not making excuses. I'm still getting the paternity test. But this is why I think that the child is mine.


If she is a good person and if this was an isolated incident spurred on by pregnancy hormones/emotions/confusion. Nothing will bring it all back to reality like requesting/going through a paternity test/ polygraph regarding sexual contact. If nothing else, it will be etched in her brain so as to discourage further indiscretions.


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## weightlifter

Your VARs are sony?

THe parking lot confession strategy:

"Wife lets get this over with. I am taking you to a polygraph. If your story checks out, I will do my damndest to get through this WITH you. You may change your story up to the front door of the polygraph place. Once inside your answers are locked. If you are lying, I will break the speed limit to the court house to file divorce. You see, your lies hurt as much as the affair itself." 

Don't be surprised if you dont get a different story on the way there or even in the parking lot itself. Yes just kissing is possible... Flip a coin. It might be a giant lie.


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## bandit.45

eddiejov55 said:


> Well, the night that I confronted her, she said that she knew that she was wrong and volunteered to call him and tell him not to call again. I agreed with this and was in the room when she called him. His number has been blocked from her phone and that will suffice until her number is changed. She gave me access to her phone and he did send her a text message...so I agree that these type of people interpret "stop" to mean "go."


All she has to do is take some cash, go down to WalMart and for $40-$50 buy herself a cheap burner phone with texting and a call card. You would never know she had it nor would you be able to trace it or get texts off of it. 

Nah,... I'm not buying her story. 

If I'm a red-blodded male, and I have been texting a woman for months.... lots of naughty sexting and "oh baby just wait until you see what I'm going to do to you" type e-mails... and then I agree to fly 500 miles to meet her in L.A. ......

....I'm expecting, and would probably recieve from her confirmation, that there is going to be some pokey-poke....


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## eddiejov55

bandit.45 said:


> All she has to do is take some cash, go down to WalMart and for $40-$50 buy herself a cheap burner phone with texting and a call card. You would never know she had it nor would you be able to trace it or get texts off of it.
> 
> Nah,... I'm not buying her story.
> 
> If I'm a red-blodded male, and I have been texting a woman for months.... lots of naughty sexting and "oh baby just wait until you see what I'm going to do to you" type e-mails... and then I agree to fly 500 miles to meet her in L.A. ......
> 
> ....I'm expecting, and would probably recieve from her confirmation, that there is going to be some pokey-poke....


While I don't disagree with your logic, I do not believe that she currently has a burner phone. I think the more likely scenario is that there is risk that she will NOW OBTAIN a burner phone. I've got all of her call logs and have counted 900 mins of phone calls over the past 4 months, so she has been very active on her current phone. I'm hoping that the VARS will be the link between me & the possibility of a new burner phone...


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## bandit.45

Well I'm glad to see you are not in a fog of your own and are thinking straight. 

Remember, observe her actions. Her words mean nothing. 

And always trust your gut.


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## hubbydude

She needs to know that you don't believe they just kissed, make sure she understands that. If she's telling the truth and thinks you don't believe her, well, she can hardly blame you. But if she's lying and thinks she's still getting away with deceiving you, that would be a much bigger problem.


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## harrybrown

When is her test for stds?

So she spent months planning to meet this guy and lied to you and she went thru with this to see him when you were not there.

She is sorry she got caught. You do need to expose the POSOM to his wife( or SO) now. Do not tell your wife that you are going to do this. 

So how is she going to pay back the money she spent on the trip? 

When is the DNA test? What did she say when you told her you want to give the child up for adoption? You are unsure of the marriage and want the child to have a good home. Will that wake her up about her decisions (plural) to go see the POSOM that she wants to replace you as the father of her child?

You can not trust anything she says. She lied to you for months. Sorry you are have a wife that is cheating on you.

Did you ask her if she wants her tubes tied so she can cheat without getting pregnant?


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## tom67

A couple of years ago there was a guy who flew to see his brother in texas they lived in atlanta.
His wife 7 months pregnant, had a guy fly from chicago and had sex with him they weren't even married a year.
He found out through emails. He was divorcing her and decided not to be part of the childs life even if it was his.
Really sad.


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## eddiejov55

harrybrown said:


> When is her test for stds?
> 
> So she spent months planning to meet this guy and lied to you and she went thru with this to see him when you were not there.
> 
> She is sorry she got caught. You do need to expose the POSOM to his wife( or SO) now. Do not tell your wife that you are going to do this.
> 
> So how is she going to pay back the money she spent on the trip?
> 
> When is the DNA test? What did she say when you told her you want to give the child up for adoption? You are unsure of the marriage and want the child to have a good home. Will that wake her up about her decisions (plural) to go see the POSOM that she wants to replace you as the father of her child?
> 
> You can not trust anything she says. She lied to you for months. Sorry you are have a wife that is cheating on you.
> 
> Did you ask her if she wants her tubes tied so she can cheat without getting pregnant?


I'm trying to keep a level head, so I'm probably not going to ask her to get her tubes tied so she can cheat again...maybe in a future conversation I'll ask her!


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## happi_g_more2

I would simply go in this order
1) Verify (var, full transparency on all accounts..email and such)
2) Set up the lie detector test. Ask her if she will take it. If she says yes, then make an appointment. 
3) If anything fails the lie detector (she wont take it, parking lot confession, failed on inconclusive test) then move onto:
4) STD
5) Paternity.

Thats just my opinion


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## tom67

I think Harry was being sarcastic
Take a few days off work if feel like it and go somewhere by yourself.
Treat yourself go to a hotel and golf or whatever.


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## harrybrown

Sorry I should be clearer with the sarcasm.


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## happi_g_more2

I think eddie was being sarcastic as well


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## tom67

happi_g_more2 said:


> I think eddie was being sarcastic as well



Thank God it's friday.


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## Pufferfish

eddiejov55 said:


> I think like a guy. If Sofia Vergara knocked on my door and wanted to sleep with me, I'm game. But if a pregnant Sofia Vergara knocked on my door and wanted to sleep with me, I'm not game.


I think that if you consider yourself to be a typical guy, there's the answer to your question right there. 

But's that's not really the crux of your issue. I've heard of a pregnancy fetish. I've heard of a cuckolding fetish, but I don't know the name of any fetish where a man fantasizes about bringing up another man's child. Sure, there are men who do it, but those are men in proper relationships - not affairs. The fact that your wife was participating in the discussion on co-parenting with the other man looks to me like she knows the score (Please correct me if I am wrong on this). There's nothing in your narrative convincing enough to dispel the grave doubt in paternity. 

I'd be surprised if your wife has given you the whole story. Besides, just because the phone records add up, it is not proof the other man wasn't around. Didn't you say she knew this guy from college?
Didn't you say that she talked about this guy before? 

I get that you desperately want to see the best case scenario. But what your wife has told you really stinks. 

Just sayin.


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## eddiejov55

Pufferfish said:


> I get that you desperately want to see the best case scenario. But what your wife has told you really stinks.
> 
> Just sayin.


I don't think that I desperately want to see the best case scenario. I've been as forthcoming as possible on this board and provided the details as I know them. I've filled in gaps to try and draw context to the situation. 

Ultimately, I want to understand what happened so that I can make the right decisions for my life. I'm taking all the steps I can to get to the truth: 
- Polygraph test
- STD Test
- Paternity Test
- VARS
- Copies of emails
- Copies of text messages
- Marriage counseling
- Pre-emptive talks with divorce attorney

Once the entire truth is out on the table, then I can decide whether to stay or go. But I can't make the decision to stay unless she is 100% honest...re-building trust can't start on a basis of lies.


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## DoF

I think you are doing the right thing. Above is smart.

Good luck and keep us posted.


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## tom67

eddiejov55 said:


> I don't think that I desperately want to see the best case scenario. I've been as forthcoming as possible on this board and provided the details as I know them. I've filled in gaps to try and draw context to the situation.
> 
> Ultimately, I want to understand what happened so that I can make the right decisions for my life. I'm taking all the steps I can to get to the truth:
> - Polygraph test
> - STD Test
> - Paternity Test
> - VARS
> - Copies of emails
> - Copies of text messages
> - Marriage counseling
> - Pre-emptive talks with divorce attorney
> 
> Once the entire truth is out on the table, then I can decide whether to stay or go. But I can't make the decision to stay unless she is 100% honest...re-building trust can't start on a basis of lies.


You are doing the best you can under the circumstances.
She is on your time table.


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## harrybrown

Be careful, you are expecting her to be honest.

She is not telling you the truth anytime her lips are moving. Look at her actions. Spent all that money, and planned her actions.

So what wonderful thing has she done for you? What wonderful plan has she come up with to surprise you? (in a nice way)


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## TRy

eddiejov55 said:


> Ultimately, I want to understand what happened so that I can make the right decisions for my life. I'm taking all the steps I can to get to the truth:
> - Polygraph test
> - STD Test
> - Paternity Test
> - VARS
> - Copies of emails
> - Copies of text messages
> - Marriage counseling
> - Pre-emptive talks with divorce attorney


 *Get the DNA test before the baby is born.* If the baby is not yours, and you do not want to get stuck paying many years of child support, you do not want to be listed on the birth certificate, and you will want to have already filed for a divorce. In many states, the child is presumed to be the child of the husband, which is why you want to act now. In a worse case scenario, there have been husbands force to pay child support for a child that was later proven by DNA not to be theirs, while the wife divorced and moved in with the real father. 

For best results there are 2 windows of opportunity during pregnancy to do this. Based on what you have said you may need to move quickly on this.


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## weightlifter

TRy said:


> *In many states, the child is presumed to be the child of the husband, which is why you want to act now. In a worse case scenario, there have been husbands force to pay child support for a child that was later proven by DNA not to be theirs, while the wife divorced and moved in with the real father.
> 
> For best results there are 2 windows of opportunity during pregnancy to do this. Based on what you have said you may need to move quickly on this.*


*

THere is a non invasive method of DNA testing now. Forget the name.

Most states have a window. Find out what your states window is.

Most of the horror stories (but not all) are after years of presumed fatherhood not days.*


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## CASE_Sensitive

I think the one item you're missing is having her provide a written timeline of the affair. You can then compare with your other evidence where there are holes, questions, etc. Let her know she has one chance to give you the whole truth.


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## DoF

This thread is a really great example of a person that's thinking with their head/brain.

Bravo OP

It should be a sticky!


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## Forest

On the topic of whether or not to confront POSOM, its a real double edged sword. I made two phone calls to OM calling him out. The first was a surprise, and he took it on speaker in front of workmates. So they got to hear me call him a coward, and plead with him to get the backbone to meet me. 

He backed down so hard he probably bruised his ovaries.

After a couple weeks I stopped in at his office in person. He actually barricaded himself in a conference room. So, I felt good about the humiliation I'd caused him.

Now, I realize that by publicly doing these things, I've limited myself some in other ways. I would be an obvious suspect, etc.

In my case, though, the affair was over years ago, only punishment remained. In your case, if you really want the guy to back off, and mad husband is a powerful deterrent.


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## WorkingOnMe

Mad husband could also get the OM to talk. For example if he thinks the baby is his he might declare it when confronted.


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## C3156

eddiejov55 said:


> Ultimately, I want to understand what happened so that I can make the right decisions for my life. I'm taking all the steps I can to get to the truth:
> - Polygraph test
> - STD Test
> - Paternity Test
> - VARS
> - Copies of emails
> - Copies of text messages
> - Marriage counseling
> - Pre-emptive talks with divorce attorney
> 
> Once the entire truth is out on the table, then I can decide whether to stay or go. But I can't make the decision to stay unless she is 100% honest...re-building trust can't start on a basis of lies.


I will give you my opinion as well as a little life experience of mine. Looking at your list, it is pretty good. My question to you is: what do you expect to gain from all of this information?

You have already discovered the affair, what additional information do you need? Most states are no-fault divorces anymore. Those that still have at fault divorce have a pretty high bar of evidence required. You have some email & texts, unless you hired a PI to follow them and shoot video, this stuff is pretty worthless in court.

A polygraph? What a waste of money. Your wife is an emotional/hormonal wreck right now, how do you expect an accurate reading?

For most guys, the question of sex in an affair is always a big issue. But for women, the emotional part of an affair is the worst thing. I can't tell you how many times a woman has told me they would not care as much if I had sex with someone than if I was emotionally involved. Sex is mostly physical but an emotional affair involves caring, feeling, and sharing of emotions. In other words, a deeper connection. This is what I would be worried about, not whether or how many times she slept with the guy.

Also, why did she have an affair? There must have been a reason she sought out an old flame and communicated with him. What does she percieve is wrong with your relationship that she was willing to be tempted by another man? These are the questions I think about.

At this point, I would be more interested to know if the child was mine and if I had an STD. If the child was not mine, I would be gone in an instant. 

I would also consult with the attorney to learn some of your rights. If you decide to pursue this route, use the internet to aid your search of your states divorce laws.

I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater, people can change. You have to ask yourself if this was a one time thing or if she has the potential to do it again. My ex also had an affair while pregnant with our first child. She told me and claimed it would never happen again. I believed her and things went well for about another 10 years. Then when she percieved things were not good, she ended up having another affair. That one ended the marriage. You need to asnwer the why's before you make your decision.


----------



## C123

C3156 said:


> I will give you my opinion as well as a little life experience of mine. Looking at your list, it is pretty good. My question to you is: what do you expect to gain from all of this information?
> 
> You have already discovered the affair, what additional information do you need? Most states are no-fault divorces anymore. Those that still have at fault divorce have a pretty high bar of evidence required. You have some email & texts, unless you hired a PI to follow them and shoot video, this stuff is pretty worthless in court.
> 
> A polygraph? What a waste of money. Your wife is an emotional/hormonal wreck right now, how do you expect an accurate reading?
> 
> For most guys, the question of sex in an affair is always a big issue. But for women, the emotional part of an affair is the worst thing. I can't tell you how many times a woman has told me they would not care as much if I had sex with someone than if I was emotionally involved. Sex is mostly physical but an emotional affair involves caring, feeling, and sharing of emotions. In other words, a deeper connection. This is what I would be worried about, not whether or how many times she slept with the guy.
> 
> Also, why did she have an affair? There must have been a reason she sought out an old flame and communicated with him. What does she percieve is wrong with your relationship that she was willing to be tempted by another man? These are the questions I think about.
> 
> At this point, I would be more interested to know if the child was mine and if I had an STD. If the child was not mine, I would be gone in an instant.
> 
> I would also consult with the attorney to learn some of your rights. If you decide to pursue this route, use the internet to aid your search of your states divorce laws.
> 
> I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater, people can change. You have to ask yourself if this was a one time thing or if she has the potential to do it again. My ex also had an affair while pregnant with our first child. She told me and claimed it would never happen again. I believed her and things went well for about another 10 years. Then when she percieved things were not good, she ended up having another affair. That one ended the marriage. You need to asnwer the why's before you make your decision.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## eddiejov55

TRy said:


> *Get the DNA test before the baby is born.* If the baby is not yours, and you do not want to get stuck paying many years of child support, you do not want to be listed on the birth certificate, and you will want to have already filed for a divorce. In many states, the child is presumed to be the child of the husband, which is why you want to act now. In a worse case scenario, there have been husbands force to pay child support for a child that was later proven by DNA not to be theirs, while the wife divorced and moved in with the real father.
> 
> For best results there are 2 windows of opportunity during pregnancy to do this. Based on what you have said you may need to move quickly on this.


Unfortunately, I live in a state where the husband is the assumed father throughout pregnancy. Regardless of divorce proceedings or offline DNA tests, then birth certificate will list me as the father -- even if I am not the father. Once born, then my lawyer can file a paternity challenge and get the ball rolling on amending for the purpose of child support, etc. But there is nothing that I can do in advance of the birth. Meetings with lawyers have been very insightful thus far...


----------



## eddiejov55

C3156 said:


> I will give you my opinion as well as a little life experience of mine. Looking at your list, it is pretty good. My question to you is: what do you expect to gain from all of this information?
> 
> You have already discovered the affair, what additional information do you need? Most states are no-fault divorces anymore. Those that still have at fault divorce have a pretty high bar of evidence required. You have some email & texts, unless you hired a PI to follow them and shoot video, this stuff is pretty worthless in court.
> 
> A polygraph? What a waste of money. Your wife is an emotional/hormonal wreck right now, how do you expect an accurate reading?
> 
> For most guys, the question of sex in an affair is always a big issue. But for women, the emotional part of an affair is the worst thing. I can't tell you how many times a woman has told me they would not care as much if I had sex with someone than if I was emotionally involved. Sex is mostly physical but an emotional affair involves caring, feeling, and sharing of emotions. In other words, a deeper connection. This is what I would be worried about, not whether or how many times she slept with the guy.
> 
> Also, why did she have an affair? There must have been a reason she sought out an old flame and communicated with him. What does she percieve is wrong with your relationship that she was willing to be tempted by another man? These are the questions I think about.
> 
> At this point, I would be more interested to know if the child was mine and if I had an STD. If the child was not mine, I would be gone in an instant.
> 
> I would also consult with the attorney to learn some of your rights. If you decide to pursue this route, use the internet to aid your search of your states divorce laws.
> 
> I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater, people can change. You have to ask yourself if this was a one time thing or if she has the potential to do it again. My ex also had an affair while pregnant with our first child. She told me and claimed it would never happen again. I believed her and things went well for about another 10 years. Then when she percieved things were not good, she ended up having another affair. That one ended the marriage. You need to asnwer the why's before you make your decision.


Great response, and I certainly appreciate the insight. 

(1) What do I expect to gain from all of this? 
--> A starting point for honesty and trust. If I am going to stay in this marriage, then the relationship has to be rebuilt. The rebuilding cannot start if she continues to lie. All of the actions that I have taken / am taking are designed to box her into the truth or box her into lies. If truth is the result, then we have a starting point. If continued lies are the result, then it makes it easier for me to file for divorce. 

(2) The "did they have sex" question galls at me because of the potential for STD's affecting me and my child. The "emotional affair" is without a doubt the hardest part. For 3+ months, my wife pretended to love me while loving someone else. That is tough for me to swallow and the truth is that I might not be able to swallow it...we'll see. 

(3) Why did she have an affair?
--> I don't have a very good answer to provide. I have asked the question on several occasions and I have not received an answer that is satisfactory. She has tried to explain, but the answer is rambling and doesn't lead to any conclusions that help draw clarity to the situation. 

(4) I've talked with several attorneys and have a pretty good basis of understanding of family law in my state. I live in a "no fault" state, but my biggest focus is on my child. I'm fairly confident that my wife would try to leave my current state if we were divorced, so my conversations with attorneys are mostly focused around custody of my unborn child, rather than financial issues.

Again, thank you for your post and the information you shared...much appreciated.


----------



## michzz

Forest said:


> He backed down so hard he probably bruised his ovaries.


:lol::lol::lol::rofl::rofl:


----------



## tom67

eddiejov55 said:


> Unfortunately, I live in a state where the husband is the assumed father throughout pregnancy. Regardless of divorce proceedings or offline DNA tests, then birth certificate will list me as the father -- even if I am not the father. Once born, then my lawyer can file a paternity challenge and get the ball rolling on amending for the purpose of child support, etc. But there is nothing that I can do in advance of the birth. Meetings with lawyers have been very insightful thus far...


Wow.
That totally sucks.


----------



## eddiejov55

weightlifter said:


> Your VARs are sony?
> 
> THe parking lot confession strategy:
> 
> "Wife lets get this over with. I am taking you to a polygraph. If your story checks out, I will do my damndest to get through this WITH you. You may change your story up to the front door of the polygraph place. Once inside your answers are locked. If you are lying, I will break the speed limit to the court house to file divorce. You see, your lies hurt as much as the affair itself."
> 
> Don't be surprised if you dont get a different story on the way there or even in the parking lot itself. Yes just kissing is possible... Flip a coin. It might be a giant lie.


WEIGHTLIFTER: 

The "hand book" you posted was a treasure-trove of information. I bought the Sony VARS as suggested and put it into action for the first time yesterday. Results were immediate...

The "spotlight search" information was also very helpful. I have general records of every text message. Honestly, I cannot thank you enough for walking me through those strategies. The lie detector test will take place at some point over the next few days...keep you posted on results.


----------



## GusPolinski

eddiejov55 said:


> WEIGHTLIFTER:
> 
> The "hand book" you posted was a treasure-trove of information. I bought the Sony VARS as suggested and put it into action for the first time yesterday. Results were immediate...
> 
> The "spotlight search" information was also very helpful. I have general records of every text message. Honestly, I cannot thank you enough for walking me through those strategies. The lie detector test will take place at some point over the next few days...keep you posted on results.


Oh no... What did you find? I hope it wasn't too bad. I really do.


----------



## eddiejov55

GusPolinski said:


> Oh no... What did you find? I hope it wasn't too bad. I really do.


Fortunately, no contact with the guy. I did hear a female co-worker enter the car and a 10-minute "girl talk" convo took place. Some info good to hear. Some info uncomfortable to hear. It was a lot of "oh no, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I hope marriage counseling works for you both b/c you have to do what makes you happy..." #realoriginal


----------



## C123

I will say that in most states, once the baby is born and you are the father listed on the birth certificate, she cannot leave with the baby without your permission. I don't know if that's the case in your state, but if it is, I'm sure the attorneys have shared that with you.

Your level head and thought processes during all of this have been beyond admirable. That child will be lucky to call you his/her father no matter what happens with the marriage.


----------



## LostViking

Be careful. If you prove the child is the OM's, you can sue him for child support. However, even though you are legally the child's father, he as the biological dad could counter sue for visitation rights. It's an ugly catch 22.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happi_g_more2

eddiejov55 said:


> Fortunately, no contact with the guy. I did hear a female co-worker enter the car and a 10-minute "girl talk" convo took place. Some info good to hear. Some info uncomfortable to hear. It was a lot of "oh no, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I hope marriage counseling works for you both b/c you have to do what makes you happy..." #realoriginal


and what was the not so good stuff.

also, you said she pretended to love you for 3 months while was in love with someone else.?? What makes you think that can be repaired. She's probably always been in love with this guy and you are just an easier train to ride. her focus on YOUR marriage could simply be aimed at re-establishing HER stability. As someone that touted the lie detector, I think I might take a step back. If she isnt IN love with you at this point in your marriage, you are fu*ked. This is suppose to the period of time when you are MOST attached. If thats not the case now, it sure as hell wont be 3 years from now.


----------



## GusPolinski

LostViking said:


> Be careful. If you prove the child is the OM's, you can sue him for child support. However, even though you are legally the child's father, he as the biological dad could counter sue for visitation rights. It's an ugly catch 22.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Better all around to divorce and contest paternity IMO.


----------



## eddiejov55

happi_g_more2 said:


> and what was the not so good stuff.
> 
> also, you said she pretended to love you for 3 months while was in love with someone else.?? What makes you think that can be repaired. She's probably always been in love with this guy and you are just an easier train to ride. her focus on YOUR marriage could simply be aimed at re-establishing HER stability. As someone that touted the lie detector, I think I might take a step back. If she isnt IN love with you at this point in your marriage, you are fu*ked. This is suppose to the period of time when you are MOST attached. If thats not the case now, it sure as hell wont be 3 years from now.


All good points. 

The not-so-good stuff was hearing her tell her female friend that she had feelings for this guy and let it come in the way of our marriage. That was tough to hear. I absolutely hated hearing her friend say "I'm sorry...hope it works out for you...but you need to do what makes you happy." 

During the time where she was outlining all that had transpired, she told me that they tossed "i love you" towards each other on several occasions. Here is the rough outline that I have thus far of the affair: 

January 26 = we find out that we're having a baby
February 15 = they talk on the phone for the first time
February 27 = first doctor appointment
February 27 = we fly to visit our parents and tell them they are going to be grand parents
March 20 = the first "i love you" is exchanged with OM
March 30 = "sexual text messages" exchanged
April 23 = OM sends wife an article about women pursuing their passions/lusts - says he is reading up on how to be a good husband
April 23 = OM sends wife an article about co-parentings
May 9 = she flies to LA to visit her grandfather
May 11 = she spends the day with him. sexual encounter occurs. 
May 13 = her flight is delayed and I login to her email account to find flight info...discover evidence, immediately begin making copies. 
May 13 = I confront her upon her return
May 13 = she calls him and tells him it is over
May 14 = he texts her
May 14 = she calls him and says "all contact stops"
May 16 = I have first consultation with attorney
May 16 = schedule marriage counseling
May 18 = I buy VARS and install
May 19 = Receive first hit on the VARS
May 21 = I have second consultation with attorney
May 21 = marriage counseling begins
May 21 = Polygraph scheduled

This is where I stand...

I still need the full written encounter. For those that have gone through marriage counseling, what should I expect? Do you have any advice for how to start conversations with the marriage counselor? Should I wait to be prompted by this individual? Should I lead the convo? Should I let my wife lead the convo? This will be new to me, so any advice would be appreciated.


----------



## tom67

happi_g_more2 said:


> and what was the not so good stuff.
> 
> also, you said she pretended to love you for 3 months while was in love with someone else.?? What makes you think that can be repaired. She's probably always been in love with this guy and you are just an easier train to ride. her focus on YOUR marriage could simply be aimed at re-establishing HER stability. As someone that touted the lie detector, I think I might take a step back. If she isnt IN love with you at this point in your marriage, you are fu*ked. This is suppose to the period of time when you are MOST attached. If thats not the case now, it sure as hell wont be 3 years from now.


:iagree:
It sounds like you are the backup plan.
I don't know if I would spend that money on a poly, your call.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Has she admitted to the sexual encounter yet?


----------



## Pufferfish

eddiejov55 said:


> The not-so-good stuff was hearing her tell her female friend that she had feelings for this guy and let it come in the way of our marriage. That was tough to hear. I absolutely hated hearing her friend say "I'm sorry...hope it works out for you...but you need to do what makes you happy."
> 
> During the time where she was outlining all that had transpired, she told me that they tossed "i love you" towards each other on several occasions.


From what you have written, it would seem that the deck is stacked against you. The decision whether to reconcile is no longer yours. Your wife's loyalty is no longer yours. She WILL do whatever she thinks will make her happy. Your feelings and wants are a distant second. Make no mistake about that. 

I would walk away.


----------



## LostViking

The OM has your wife's heart. Maybe filing for divorce will shake her up and make her reconsider. But what you heard on the VAR doesn't bode well. Keep the VAR on place and see what else you find out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

Pufferfish said:


> From what you have written, it would seem that the deck is stacked against you. The decision whether to reconcile is no longer yours. Your wife's loyalty is no longer yours. She WILL do whatever she thinks will make her happy. Your feelings and wants are a distant second. Make no mistake about that.
> 
> I would walk away.


:iagree:
You two should be all over each other now. Might be time to bail.


----------



## happi_g_more2

eddiejov55 said:


> All good points.
> 
> The not-so-good stuff was hearing her tell her female friend that she had feelings for this guy and let it come in the way of our marriage. That was tough to hear. I absolutely hated hearing her friend say "I'm sorry...hope it works out for you...but you need to do what makes you happy."
> 
> During the time where she was outlining all that had transpired, she told me that they tossed "i love you" towards each other on several occasions. Here is the rough outline that I have thus far of the affair:
> 
> January 26 = we find out that we're having a baby
> February 15 = they talk on the phone for the first time
> February 27 = first doctor appointment
> February 27 = we fly to visit our parents and tell them they are going to be grand parents
> March 20 = the first "i love you" is exchanged with OM
> March 30 = "sexual text messages" exchanged
> April 23 = OM sends wife an article about women pursuing their passions/lusts - says he is reading up on how to be a good husband
> April 23 = OM sends wife an article about co-parentings
> May 9 = she flies to LA to visit her grandfather
> May 11 = *she spends the day with him. sexual encounter occurs. *
> May 13 = her flight is delayed and I login to her email account to find flight info...discover evidence, immediately begin making copies.
> May 13 = I confront her upon her return
> May 13 = she calls him and tells him it is over
> May 14 = he texts her
> May 14 = she calls him and says "all contact stops"
> May 16 = I have first consultation with attorney
> May 16 = schedule marriage counseling
> May 18 = I buy VARS and install
> May 19 = Receive first hit on the VARS
> May 21 = I have second consultation with attorney
> May 21 = marriage counseling begins
> May 21 = Polygraph scheduled
> 
> This is where I stand...
> 
> I still need the full written encounter. For those that have gone through marriage counseling, what should I expect? Do you have any advice for how to start conversations with the marriage counselor? Should I wait to be prompted by this individual? Should I lead the convo? Should I let my wife lead the convo? This will be new to me, so any advice would be appreciated.


We are still talking "kissing" right? 

If it wasnt for the kid, the right thing here would be to 180. Maybe adapt to a modified "in house" 180.


----------



## weightlifter

Shake head. Er wait. May 11 they had sex? This has been in this thread before? Where did this come from?

Remember the var never happened!!!!

Glad you like my standard post.

Remember to never listen to your wife having sex with another man!

When where did she meet this clown? First text was?

Setting was text or pics? Did they leak out if pics?

These logistical questions help me see patterns.


----------



## tom67

weightlifter said:


> Shake head. Er wait. May 11 they had sex? This has been in this thread before? Where did this come from?
> 
> Remember the var never happened!!!!
> 
> Glad you like my standard post.
> 
> Remember to never listen to your wife having sex with another man!
> 
> When where did she meet this clown? First text was?
> 
> Setting was text or pics? Did they leak out if pics?
> 
> These logistical questions help me see patterns.


Eddie I just don't see remorse here and it makes me sad.
Just remember words are cheap watch her actions.
Strike that words from her car and what she says there are important.
We just don't want you going through a false r.
Wish you the best.


----------



## GusPolinski

eddiejov55 said:


> The not-so-good stuff was hearing her tell her female friend that she had feelings for this guy and let it come in the way of our marriage. That was tough to hear.


Had...? As in she _had_ feelings for him (past tense) or she still _has_ feelings for him?



eddiejov55 said:


> I absolutely hated hearing her friend say "I'm sorry...hope it works out for you...but you need to do what makes you happy."


It's understandable that hearing her friend say that would upset you. I'd think that what any BS would want to hear is something like "Look, you're being kind of stupid. You're going to throw away your marriage for this person that you don't even know?!?" (As an aside, my own BIL *really* went to bat for me in this regard when my wife exposed her EA to him a couple of years ago, and I didn't even know about it until fairly recently. /chestbump)

Having said that -- and in a very general sense -- I agree w/ the statement. The kicker is that, right now, it's tough for either of you to know what's going to make you happy long-term. Or hell, even a week from now.



eddiejov55 said:


> April 23 = OM sends wife an article about women pursuing their passions/lusts - says *he is reading up on how to be a good husband*


I just found my copy of the "How to Be a Good Husband" manual...

Step #1 - _Don't_ steal another man's wife.

Hmm... Maybe this wasn't in his copy?



eddiejov55 said:


> May 11 = she spends the day with him. sexual encounter occurs.


Several of us are now wondering... Are you now open to the notion that there was actually sexual contact beyond "just kissing" or do you have some evidence...?


----------



## harrybrown

on the sexual encounter, did she use protection?

She planned this trip way in advance just to see him.

When is the DNA test and the std test?

How would she feel if you had an affair?


----------



## tom67

Well good luck with MC tonight.
Get the rest of the story tonight nothing less.


----------



## C3156

eddiejov55 said:


> For those that have gone through marriage counseling, what should I expect? Do you have any advice for how to start conversations with the marriage counselor? Should I wait to be prompted by this individual? Should I lead the convo? Should I let my wife lead the convo? This will be new to me, so any advice would be appreciated.


Expect that the counselor will try to facilitate a conversation about what you want to talk about. They usually start with something along the lines of, "So tell me what is going on?"

I would give a little background and the reason why you are there. It doesn't matter who starts the conversation, you just want to get the ball rolling. If the couselor is decent, they will ask a lot of leading questions to get you all to talk. 

Keep in mind what is your goal from the counseling. For most, counseling is a way to try and save a marriage. If all you think you want to hear is the "truth", it may not be to benificial.


----------



## bandit.45

C3156 said:


> Expect that the counselor will try to facilitate a conversation about what you want to talk about. They usually start with something along the lines of, "So tell me what is going on?"
> 
> I would give a little background and the reason why you are there. It doesn't matter who starts the conversation, you just want to get the ball rolling. If the couselor is decent, they will ask a lot of leading questions to get you all to talk.
> 
> Keep in mind what is your goal from the counseling. For most, counseling is a way to try and save a marriage. If all you think you want to hear is the "truth", it may not be to benificial.


The truth is what he wants and needs more than anything. Without it MC is meaningless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## eddiejov55

weightlifter said:


> Shake head. Er wait. May 11 they had sex? This has been in this thread before? Where did this come from?
> 
> Remember the var never happened!!!!
> 
> Glad you like my standard post.
> 
> Remember to never listen to your wife having sex with another man!
> 
> When where did she meet this clown? First text was?
> 
> Setting was text or pics? Did they leak out if pics?
> 
> These logistical questions help me see patterns.


(1) Confirmed on the VARS strategy. Stays secret. 
(2) This guy was a friend of hers in college (10 years ago). He sent her a Facebook message in January, phone calls started in February. The text messages started soon after the phone calls in February. The texts / emails turned sexual in late March. 
(3) I don't have evidence of pics that were sent back / forth.
(4) As a follow up, "kissing" did not mean "kissing." Kissing meant most everything else. She holds firm that no sex took place, but I am of no illusion. Polygraph will help put an end to this. Paternity test will be completed post birth (because it doesn't matter in my state...as husband I am the assumed father until paternity is challenged after birth). However, timeline still suggests that I'm the father.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TRy

eddiejov55 said:


> The not-so-good stuff was hearing her tell her female friend that she had feelings for this guy and let it come in the way of our marriage. That was tough to hear. I absolutely hated hearing her friend say "I'm sorry...hope it works out for you...but you need to do what makes you happy."


 The fact she is currently telling her friends about her lover is very bad, as she is letting other people know that she is no longer firmly committed to you or the marriage. This means that she wants to be viewed by them on her own and not as part of a couple. The fact that her friend told her that in regards to your wife having a lover, she needs to do what makes her "happy", confirms that she is surrounding herself with friends that are not friends of the marraige. She is positioning herself to have a support network should she leave you for her lover. The fact that she said this to her friend just days ago, after she supposedly broke it off with her lover, means that the lover is still in the game. Marriage counseling is a waste of time and money as long as the other man is in your marraige.

BTW, this thread should be moved to the infidelity section.


----------



## TRy

eddiejov55 said:


> (4) As a follow up, "kissing" did not mean "kissing." Kissing meant most everything else. She holds firm that no sex took place, but I am of no illusion.


 Cheaters like to ignore the fact that there are other ways to have sex other than intercourse. For instance oral sex is sex without intercourse. Gays have sex without intercourse. Cheaters do this to try to minimize their cheating. If your wife did most everything else but intercourse with her lover, then she has had sex with him just not intercourse. Stop letting her dictate the terms of the discussion based on cheaters speak.

That of course begs the question. Since she is an adult and not some kid in high school, if she was willing to go out of town to meet her lover behind your back, if she was willing to cheat on you enough to do everything but intercourse sexually with her lover, why would she stop at not having intercourse? It amazes me how cheaters always expect you to beleive the unbelievable based on their word, when they are confirmed liars and cheats.


----------



## tom67

(because it doesn't matter in my state...as husband I am the assumed father until paternity is challenged after birth). However, timeline still suggests that I'm the father.

I would contact your congressman and ask him why such an old law is still in place.
Call your senator also.
Pretty sad in the day of DNA testing imo.


----------



## staarz21

Get the DNA test before signing the birth certificate. Even if you think the timeline matches up, get the test before signing the certificate. I'm sorry you're going through this.


----------



## happi_g_more2

eddiejov55 said:


> (1) Confirmed on the VARS strategy. Stays secret.
> (2) This guy was a friend of hers in college (10 years ago). He sent her a Facebook message in January, phone calls started in February. The text messages started soon after the phone calls in February. The texts / emails turned sexual in late March.
> (3) I don't have evidence of pics that were sent back / forth.
> (4) As a follow up, "kissing" did not mean "kissing." Kissing meant most everything else. She holds firm that no sex took place, but I am of no illusion. Polygraph will help put an end to this. Paternity test will be completed post birth (because it doesn't matter in my state...as husband I am the assumed father until paternity is challenged after birth). However, timeline still suggests that I'm the father.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whats "most everything else". I mean if he grouped her chest thats one thing. If his hands were down her pants its another and if she blew him...well...to me, thats as bad as sex.
One quick edit - This needs to be on the list of questions for the poly. Unless anyone disagrees, she should read these prior, if she knows you are gonna ask her in that detail about the encounter it might trigger a parking lot confession


----------



## happi_g_more2

TRy said:


> The fact she is currently telling her friends about her lover is very bad, as she is letting other people know that she is no longer firmly committed to you or the marriage. This means that she wants to be viewed by them on her own and not as part of a couple. The fact that her friend told her that in regards to your wife having a lover, she needs to do what makes her "happy", *confirms that she is surrounding herself with friends that are not friends of the marraige*. She is positioning herself to have a support network should she leave you for her lover. The fact that she said this to her friend just days ago, after she supposedly broke it off with her lover, means that the lover is still in the game. Marriage counseling is a waste of time and money as long as the other man is in your marraige.
> 
> BTW, this thread should be moved to the infidelity section.


I cant stress this enough. If you guys R, this chick should be excluded from your circle of trust. Not only do my wife and I agree that Oppo sex friends are not acceptable, but we really dont allow any friends that arent friends of both of us. Thats just me though


----------



## bandit.45

Question for the men:

Say you were single. You've been online chatting up your old high school girlfriend, texting, sexting and having naughty talk. She invites you to fly from your home in Las Vegas to Los Angeles to spend a weekend with her. Plane flight will be $350 if you have a discount. You're going to spend another $175 on a car. Then if you're lucky you might get away with $300 for meals and another $300 for a hotel. BUT! She tells you that you are only meeting to hang out and that she doesn't think the two of you should have sex because she's pregnant and her hubby might find out. 

Would any of you take her up on her offer and spend all that money on the travel and meals, knowing you are not going to score? 

Cast your votes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Not a man, but no. I'd expect to get 'paid.'


----------



## Jeffery

bump


----------



## happi_g_more2

bandit.45 said:


> Question for the men:
> 
> Say you were single. You've been online chatting up your old high school girlfriend, texting, sexting and having naughty talk. She invites you to fly from your home in Las Vegas to Los Angeles to spend a weekend with her. Plane flight will be $350 if you have a discount. You're going to spend another $175 on a car. Then if you're lucky you might get away with $300 for meals and another $300 for a hotel. BUT! She tells you that you are only meeting to hang out and that she doesn't think the two of you should have sex because she's pregnant and her hubby might find out.
> 
> Would any of you take her up on her offer and spend all that money on the travel and meals, knowing you are not going to score?
> 
> Cast your votes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not to cause drama, but this isnt helpful. If I was a guy that THOUGHT I was in love with a woman...then yes, Id drop a grand to go see here regardless of sex. Likewise, If i was a sick f*ck that, for whatever reason, wanted to bone eddies prego wife, and I had any kind of long game, and made more then 40k a year...yes, id drop a grand. 

I think Eddie is well aware of the possibilities here, I dont think he needs convincing. He is going about the process the right way.


----------



## bandit.45

Oh I think it's more than a possibility. And Eddie should not let up until she tells him the truth. In fact he should wag the D papers in front of her ....truth about what happened that weekend, or off the the races.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## weightlifter

Echoing above. "Most everything else" is what? Sorry little sleep and brain is not functioning on all cylinders. What is your source of this info? VAR or she admitted it? If VAR, exactly what level has she admitted to and approximately when did she admit seeing him and how as the admission level (of inappropriatenes) progressed?

A short list is fine. (IE: Mutual oral sex or she gave him a hand job) I do NOT need a play by play.

Glad on the pics. They have a bad habit of leaking.


----------



## GusPolinski

So "kissing" has now become "more than kissing"...? 

This is called trickle-truth. Get ready for more.


----------



## tom67

GusPolinski said:


> So "kissing" has now become "more than kissing"...?
> 
> This is called trickle-truth. Get ready for more.


Sigh
That sucks and her toxic friend saying do whatever makes you happy:banghead::banghead:
Hang in there and stay focused.


----------



## Pufferfish

eddiejov55 said:


> "kissing" did not mean "kissing." Kissing meant most everything else. She holds firm that no sex took place, but I am of no illusion. Polygraph will help put an end to this._Posted via Mobile Device_


No it won't. I hope you are not hedging all your bets on it. I'm quite surprised at the number of times "Polygraph" comes up on TAM. The scientific community can't agree on its accuracy. If you don't believe me, look it up on the internet. There is a reason why courts don't allow it without tight stipulations. 

Don't you think you are beyond the "Did they or didn't they" already? Your wife is deep in an affair. We are talking baby making deep. What makes you think she can dump him at the drop of a hat because you demand it? As some of the other posters have rightly pointed out, she is still talking to friends like the other man is still part of her life. That doesn't sound like its just going to blow over buddy. 

I know you believe the timeline says that the baby is yours. How can you be so sure? It's your perogative to wait for DNA until after birth. I hope you have the strength for that. 

I'm not trying to beat on you. It just looks your wife is treating you like a chump and you are letting her.


----------



## Pattiroxxi

Worse than finding them in your bed? i think that is way more serious but you are right. It's cheating so you have the right to feel upset.

What she did was very inappropriate but i would not leave my husband. If you can be sure that there was just a kiss then it's worth saving your marriage because she didn't give anyone what belongs to you yet. Since they didn't proceed onto the next stage, ( assuming they didn't) i think your marriage is well worth saving.

My opinion.


----------



## GusPolinski

Patti, read his latest posts. It appears to have progressed beyond kissing, though she now insists that there was no PIV.

What would your deal-breaker be? Based on your threads, I'd think that an HJ or oral would be grounds for divorce for you... Right?


----------



## tom67

GusPolinski said:


> Patti, read his latest posts. It appears to have progressed beyond kissing, though she now insists that there was no PIV.
> 
> What would your deal-breaker be? Based on your threads, I'd think that an HJ or oral would be grounds for divorce for you... Right?


:iagree:
STD test for sure. I mean there was some heavy sexting going on how he was going to coparent WTF.
And think as he kisses his w and she gave him a bj, gross.


----------



## barbados

Bottom line for me Eddie is this :

If a woman can't be faithful to you while having your baby in her belly, exactly when would you be able to trust her going forward ???


----------



## tom67

barbados said:


> Bottom line for me Eddie is this :
> 
> If a woman can't be faithful to you while having your baby in her belly, exactly when would you be able to trust her going forward ???


:iagree:k:iagree: Exactly


----------



## eddiejov55

Pufferfish said:


> No it won't. I hope you are not hedging all your bets on it. I'm quite surprised at the number of times "Polygraph" comes up on TAM. The scientific community can't agree on its accuracy. If you don't believe me, look it up on the internet. There is a reason why courts don't allow it without tight stipulations.
> 
> Don't you think you are beyond the "Did they or didn't they" already? Your wife is deep in an affair. We are talking baby making deep. What makes you think she can dump him at the drop of a hat because you demand it? As some of the other posters have rightly pointed out, she is still talking to friends like the other man is still part of her life. That doesn't sound like its just going to blow over buddy.
> 
> I know you believe the timeline says that the baby is yours. How can you be so sure? It's your perogative to wait for DNA until after birth. I hope you have the strength for that.
> 
> I'm not trying to beat on you. It just looks your wife is treating you like a chump and you are letting her.


I don't think it is a fair assessment that I am letting her treat me like a chump. I do not have blinders on. I have posted a consistent play-by-play to what is taking place in my life. I am not choosing the words that I use in these posts to sugar coat her actions or what is going on. I have chosen my words to try and be concise in my posts. 

When I say things like "wasn't just kissing, it was just about everything else" what I mean is: 
- his penis did not penetrate her vagina, but his fingers did
- no oral sex, but mutual masturbation until ejaculation
- heavy kissing and touching everywhere

Did I get this from VARS? No, this information I received from her. Can I be sure that this is everything? No. But the above is pretty explicit and involves almost "everything else." Also, I'm aware that "sex" means more than intercourse. But for the sake of posting on this board, I used the term "sex" to mean "intercourse." 

At this point, the polygraph is just an exercise in principle. I'm not going to learn anything through the polygraph that is vastly different from where we stand right now. The questions that I'm planning on using: 

(1) During the weekend of May 10, 2014 did you have sexual intercourse with XXX?
(2) From June 2010 to May 2014, did you have a sexual encounter with anyone other than your husband?
(3) Is your husband the father of your child?
(4) Since May 14, 2014 have you had any contact with XXX?

People keep posting about getting a paternity test prior to my name going on the birth certificate. Let me reiterate one more time: this doesn't matter in the state that I reside. I'm not hemming / hawing as to whether I should do this or not...I'm doing it. But it legally does not help me to do this now. Could I do the procedure now and have the knowledge? Sure. But I still have to jump through the same legal hoops once the child is born and get another test done...so I'm just choosing not to do the test 2x. No matter what my actions now, my name is going on that birth certificate whether rightly or wrongly. In the state that I reside, when a child is conceived in a legal marriage between a man / woman the husband is presumed to be the child's father. Why? The STATE is "looking after the best interest of the child" and is doing so by establishing "a financial custodian" of the child immediately after birth (ie: the husband). My name goes onto the birth certificate until THE STATE can prove that I am not financially responsible for the child. 

If the child ends up not being mine, then I can sue the real father for any financial assistance that I provided to the child from birth until his paternity is established.


----------



## GusPolinski

Keep on keeping on, Eddie. You're doing well.


----------



## happi_g_more2

eddiejov55 said:


> I don't think it is a fair assessment that I am letting her treat me like a chump. I do not have blinders on. I have posted a consistent play-by-play to what is taking place in my life. I am not choosing the words that I use in these posts to sugar coat her actions or what is going on. I have chosen my words to try and be concise in my posts.
> 
> When I say things like "wasn't just kissing, it was just about everything else" what I mean is:
> - his penis did not penetrate her vagina, but his fingers did
> - no oral sex, but mutual masturbation until ejaculation
> - heavy kissing and touching everywhere
> 
> Did I get this from VARS? No, this information I received from her. Can I be sure that this is everything? No. But the above is pretty explicit and involves almost "everything else." Also, I'm aware that "sex" means more than intercourse. But for the sake of posting on this board, I used the term "sex" to mean "intercourse."
> 
> At this point, the polygraph is just an exercise in principle. I'm not going to learn anything through the polygraph that is vastly different from where we stand right now. The questions that I'm planning on using:
> 
> (1) During the weekend of May 10, 2014 did you have sexual intercourse with XXX?
> (2) From June 2010 to May 2014, did you have a sexual encounter with anyone other than your husband?
> (3) Is your husband the father of your child?
> (4) Since May 14, 2014 have you had any contact with XXX?
> 
> People keep posting about getting a paternity test prior to my name going on the birth certificate. Let me reiterate one more time: this doesn't matter in the state that I reside. I'm not hemming / hawing as to whether I should do this or not...I'm doing it. But it legally does not help me to do this now. Could I do the procedure now and have the knowledge? Sure. But I still have to jump through the same legal hoops once the child is born and get another test done...so I'm just choosing not to do the test 2x. No matter what my actions now, my name is going on that birth certificate whether rightly or wrongly. In the state that I reside, when a child is conceived in a legal marriage between a man / woman the husband is presumed to be the child's father. Why? The STATE is "looking after the best interest of the child" and is doing so by establishing "a financial custodian" of the child immediately after birth (ie: the husband). My name goes onto the birth certificate until THE STATE can prove that I am not financially responsible for the child.
> 
> If the child ends up not being mine, then I can sue the real father for any financial assistance that I provided to the child from birth until his paternity is established.


Sorry bro. This sux BIG time. Did you know the extent of their interaction prior to posting this? Cause referring to that as "kissing" or "emotional affair" is really...well...not accurate. That's a full blown physical affair IMHO. How long till the baby is due? Continue with the planned Poly. I wasn't a big fan of paternity test in utero, but you may want to consider it and here is why. Child birth is extremely emotional. You don't want to go through all this only to find out that the kid isn't yours. Could be very hard for you.


----------



## MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut

eddiejov55 said:


> Also, I'm aware that "sex" means more than intercourse. But for the sake of posting on this board, I used the term "sex" to mean "intercourse."


Penis or not she had intercourse since she was penetrated. Intercourse specifically means there is penetration occuring.


----------



## weightlifter

(2) From June 2010 to May 2014, did you have a sexual encounter with anyone other than your husband?

Is likely insufficiently clear. Define sexual encounter closer. Dont be Clinton'ed here.

Sorry to hear that. When did she admit this? Last I heard it was EA (post 29 when I said it was likely a ploy to be near him). Trying to get down the logistics of the trickle truth part.

Did he come to her (let me guess hotel) or her to LV?


----------



## MrsStudMuffin

OP; I'm wishing you good thoughts here. You are a strong man and you don't deserve this. I can't imagine cheating on my man, and I am absolutely agog that she could while carrying your child. 

In the final analysis, you'll have to decide to stay or move on. The trust once broken cannot really be reestablished and this is truly awful behavior. 

There are many good women out there who would be honored to be your wife and who would honor you with fidelity and love.


----------



## aug

MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut said:


> Penis or not she had intercourse since she was penetrated. Intercourse specifically means there is penetration occuring.



And so said Mr. Small Peanut...


----------



## Forest

This is one of those situations where you just want to tell this woman that what she has done is simply disgusting, no matter what did or did not happen. How can a pregnant, married woman allow herself to behave in such a way?

Its mind boggling that a person can have such a lack of respect for the hallowed institutions of marriage and motherhood. There needs to be a stronger word than "selfish" for this. Maybe "self-focused-to-the-point-of-obliviousness-that-any-other-life-form-exists-or-has-feelings-or-importance".


----------



## turnera

eddiejov55 said:


> At this point, the polygraph is just an exercise in principle. I'm not going to learn anything through the polygraph that is vastly different from where we stand right now.


Please understand that the polygraph is MUCH MORE than just an exercise in principle. It is a lesson - and a study - in psychology. There is SO MUCH that goes on when a polygraph is introduced into the equation. SO much more.


----------



## TRy

eddiejov55 said:


> When I say things like "wasn't just kissing, it was just about everything else" what I mean is:
> - his penis did not penetrate her vagina, but his fingers did
> - no oral sex, but mutual masturbation until ejaculation
> - heavy kissing and touching everywhere


 (Sarcasm On) Wow, just like in high school. No wonder she likes being with him, he makes her feel young again. (Sarcasm Off)

Is there a reason that this has not been moved to the infidelity section?


----------



## davecarter

BostonBruins32 said:


> Kisssed?
> 
> Affairs bring out the porn version of wives. When I was in college, I hooked up with a woman who told me she was separated (I later think she may have been lying). She literally couldnt just kiss, instead she behaved literally like an actor from the "milf" category of p0rnhub.
> 
> Point is, she didnt just kiss him.


Affairs bring out the 'porn-version' of both men and women in general.

Things they want to do with their own wives, but can't/won't...so they target someone else's wife and it all becomes one big 'porn-go-round'.


----------



## Stevenj

I think there is one other thing you need to consider. Have her cut off contact with the toxic friend. "Whatever makes you happy". She must be on the OMs payroll.


----------



## eddiejov55

happi_g_more2 said:


> Sorry bro. This sux BIG time. Did you know the extent of their interaction prior to posting this? Cause referring to that as "kissing" or "emotional affair" is really...well...not accurate. That's a full blown physical affair IMHO. How long till the baby is due? Continue with the planned Poly. I wasn't a big fan of paternity test in utero, but you may want to consider it and here is why. Child birth is extremely emotional. You don't want to go through all this only to find out that the kid isn't yours. Could be very hard for you.


I have posted info on here as it has become available to me. I posted kissing when that is all that she would fess up to. I posted "everything else" when I found it out it was more. 

As for why I posted as emotional affair: I found out the affair 10 days ago. When I wrote my initial post, the thoughts going through my head were "...it doesn't sound like a full blown physical affair yet, so emotional affair seems appropriate...and an emotional affair should be easier for me to handle than a physical affair..." That was an incorrect assessment. In the 10 days since I found out, the depths is this emotional affair continue to astound me. Yes, it turned physical but the emotions exchanged between my wife and OM are going to make recovery from this very difficult. 

As for the paternity test being done prior to the child being born just to lessen the emotional impact - fair point. But I'm probably not going to go down that route. I have a plan in place and the paternity test is the conclusion of the 6-month plan...not the opening act.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

eddiejov55 said:


> I have posted info on here as it has become available to me. I posted kissing when that is all that she would fess up to. I posted "everything else" when I found it out it was more.
> 
> As for the paternity test being done prior to the child being born just to lessen the emotional impact - fair point. But I'm probably not going to go down that route. I have a plan in place and the paternity test is the conclusion of the 6-month plan...not the opening act.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Eddie I tested my 12 yr old d because of advice from friends before I found this forum.
I am almost crying remembering the betrayal.
I am 3 years out you are doing 10 times better than me.
Please stay here and vent if you read some things that don't apply to you eff it.
YOU get to decide the future.


----------



## tom67

I forgot to say yes she is mine.


----------



## terrence4159

and eddie TELL EVERYONE about the affair to protect you. i know you said it may hurt you two IF you stay together but i will tell you why you NEED to.

my wife works with a guy his wife went to vegas for a business trip and cheated on him. he didnt rat her out and then a few weeks later she tells her family he beats her so they hate him and now if she cheats and leaves her family will understand........ps she has cheated with a different guy since then.

please protect yourself in this way and tell the world and do it 3 days ago.


----------



## tom67

terrence4159 said:


> and eddie TELL EVERYONE about the affair to protect you. i know you said it may hurt you two IF you stay together but i will tell you why you NEED to.
> 
> my wife works with a guy his wife went to vegas for a business trip and cheated on him. he didnt rat her out and then a few weeks later she tells her family he beats her so they hate him and now if she cheats and leaves her family will understand........ps she has cheated with a different guy since then.
> 
> please protect yourself in this way and tell the world and do it 3 days ago.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
You did nothing wrong.
Don't forget that.


----------



## turnera

Yes, you should have exposed to everyone by now.


----------



## Chaparral

Exposure is geneally used to break up an affair. Since the affair is supposedly over, limited exposure should suffice. I would suggest her parents especially and possibly your parents if you think they could handle it if you decide to reconcile. 

Where did she stay while visiting her grandfather? How long was she there?

You can be as confident in the polygraph as anything else you can try. The FBI, CIA, local law enforcement, armed services, etc. all use them.

The best way to find a good operator is to contact local law enforcement and ask them who they use, then talk to him about your case.

Odds are you will get a parking lot confession but make sure you go through with it. Others have found they will reveal more but still hide some things. Here's hoping you have good luck and nothing else comes out.

Any more info from the vars?

Could she contact him from work? If you think she might, get a pen var.


----------



## Pufferfish

eddiejov55 said:


> In the 10 days since I found out, the depths is this emotional affair continue to astound me. Yes, it turned physical but the emotions exchanged between my wife and OM are going to make recovery from this very difficult. _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nice one eddie. 

From the stuff you was writing before, I was getting the impression that you were an ostrich with your head in the sand. Glad to see that you have a good understanding of the situation.


----------



## happi_g_more2

eddiejov55 said:


> I have posted info on here as it has become available to me. I posted kissing when that is all that she would fess up to. I posted "everything else" when I found it out it was more.
> 
> As for why I posted as emotional affair: I found out the affair 10 days ago. When I wrote my initial post, the thoughts going through my head were "...it doesn't sound like a full blown physical affair yet, so emotional affair seems appropriate...and an emotional affair should be easier for me to handle than a physical affair..." That was an incorrect assessment. In the 10 days since I found out, the depths is this emotional affair continue to astound me. Yes, it turned physical but the emotions exchanged between my wife and OM are going to make recovery from this very difficult.
> 
> As for the paternity test being done prior to the child being born just to lessen the emotional impact - fair point. But I'm probably not going to go down that route. I have a plan in place and the paternity test is the conclusion of the 6-month plan...not the opening act.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fair enough. Im real sorry and would hate to be in your shoes. Just keep posting with questions and I'm sure you will get great advice. Keep checking the vars. Your game plan sounds solid except for the paternity, but you have to do it the way you are most comfortable.
Now that you know the extent (at least you hope you know the extent) what are you feelings of R?


----------



## Nucking Futs

happi_g_more2 said:


> Fair enough. Im real sorry and would hate to be in your shoes. Just keep posting with questions and I'm sure you will get great advice. Keep checking the vars. * Your game plan sounds solid except for the paternity, *but you have to do it the way you are most comfortable.
> Now that you know the extent (at least you hope you know the extent) what are you feelings of R?


His game plan with regard to the paternity testing is solid too. He's going to test the paternity as soon as it will do him any good legally. Pre-birth testing is inadmissible in his state so if he does it now and finds he is not the father he has to do it again to avoid being saddled with the child support. Not everyone has the extra 2 or 3 grand you're insisting he spend.


----------



## happi_g_more2

Nucking Futs said:


> His game plan with regard to the paternity testing is solid too. He's going to test the paternity as soon as it will do him any good legally. Pre-birth testing is inadmissible in his state so if he does it now and finds he is not the father he has to do it again to avoid being saddled with the child support. Not everyone has the extra 2 or 3 grand you're insisting he spend.


Look, this all a matter of opinion. As someone that has been through child birth I can tell you that it is extremely emotional. Im a very emotional guy and am really attached to my family. The bond I formed with my children when they were born was immediate and overwhelming. It wasnt until that point that I truly realized that while in utero I didnt really have much of a connection. I thought I did with my first child. i didnt know any better. I wanted a bond, I walk around acting like and thinking that I had a bond, but the fact was that the bond wasnt there. It wasnt till the moment I held them it all came together. If I went through that experience only to find out days later that the child wasnt mine...Id give anything (even a couple of grand) to go back in time to obtain that knowledge before hand.

Again, just my opinion.

Oh, and If my pregnant wife came back from a trip and told me that she met an old friend, let him finger bang her while she jacked him off...yeah, id pretty much think I needed the test asap.


----------



## harrybrown

So is your wife acting remorseful?

Have you exposed like you should?

Has she gone NC with the OM?

When I found out that my ex-daughter-in-law went on a date with someone from her work, I was extremely upset. 

I had helped pay for her education. I helped my son get a divorce from her. Your cheating wife should still be so much in love with you. 

I hope you do expose. and soon.

the ex daughter in law tried to get pregnant, so my son would be saddled with child support. 

I am happy to say that she is someone else's problem now. My son has gone thru hell from her, but she is out of his life. He is getting over his depression and doing better. I think he will be in a much better place in a year. She left him with all the debts, but I have helped where I can. He has a much better future ahead of him.

I hope the same for you. You should have a VAR on you to protect you. (in case she accuses you of abuse).

I hope she has changed her ways. When is the baby due?

Have you exposed to everyone, so that the affair is not a wonderful secret anymore? You do need the help of those that care about you. 

Do not go thru this by yourself.


----------



## manfromlamancha

I have been reading and following your thread from the start and do think this is a particularly vile form of betrayal. I was wondering how you are doing and coping and if there have been any developments ? I really feel for you and wish you the best.

Take care.


----------



## GusPolinski

Hope you're faring well, Eddie.


----------



## tom67

GusPolinski said:


> Hope you're faring well, Eddie.


:iagree:
I hope so also


----------



## manfromlamancha

Eddiejov are you still around ? And are you OK ? Please update when you can.

Take care.


----------



## eddiejov55

Hello everyone. Thanks for the words of encouragement -- much appreciated. Here is a quick update on where we stand: 

(1) We've been through 6 sessions of marriage counseling. We're trying to go about 2x per week so that nothing gets left on the table. 

(2) No more hits on the VAR. Nothing shaking on the email account. No suspect phone activity. The "spotlight" function on iphone was immensely helpful in documenting history (thanks weightlifter for the tip). Sure, she could have secret emails and phones, but nothing has indicated that these exist yet. I'm going to let one more month go by and then I'll file a notarized letter with our cell provider asking for copy of 1 year of text messages activity on her phone. 

(3) She has received several forms of communication from OM (emails / physical letters & pictures), but has not contacted him. She has done a good job of letting me know when something arrives and handing things over to me for me to read w/o having to be asked. I have elected NOT to read the letter or see the pictures as it is a no-win situation for me. I have a good idea to what the content is of the communication, so no need reading it. However, she read it before letting me know about it and that hurts. It has been 3 weeks since I found about the affair, and we've made some progress in re: to her ability to communicate. But until she gets to the point that she just rips up the letter, or immediately deletes the email, then it is not really progress...this kind of stuff certainly sets us back. 

(4) I have not exposed the affair to anyone. I've read everyone's comments on this topic and know that opinions go both ways. I have not bridged this topic with our counselor, but I intend to at my next session. At this point, I am of the opinion that our parents should know. 

(5) I am not planning on having the paternity test done before birth. 

(6) We've taken 2 trips together in the past few weeks. Her best friend just got engaged and we traveled to visit her. We also attended a family funeral together. These trips have been difficult for her b/c of the secret she is keeping...

(7) We recently "celebrated" our 4th wedding anniversary. Yay. Oh, and father's day is right around the corner. Yay. If what happened on mother's day is any indication, then father's day should be a real humdinger  

- Eddie


----------



## Hicks

Sounds good what you have written. Here are a few things.

What is your wife's explanation for doing this to you? Without understanding her thought process of why she would do this (i.e. what did you do wrong, what emotional needs was he meeting that you were not meeting, or is she just defective in her thought process).... Without getting to this point there is no fixing the marriage because there is no path of things to fix. Read "His Needs, Her Needs".

Read about no contact letters. She should send one to him. There is a very specific method to the no contact letter. She writes it you approve it and send it. It is done in such a way to slam the door in OM's face and stop his correspondence. She should then be deleting / not looking at his contact to her.

Exposure. Exposure is done to kill affairs. You do not need to kill an affair. But, the other thing is you don't discuss exposure in marital counseling. You do it as a "surprise attack" type of move. The reason for this is it stops her from spinning that you are crazy and allows you to control the agenda of what is communicated.

What is your wife's attitude toward you and her marriage? Is she back to being loving, sexual and happy? I take it she is not, due to your comments above.


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## GusPolinski

eddiejov55 said:


> She has received several forms of communication from OM (emails / physical letters & pictures), but has not contacted him. She has done a good job of letting me know when something arrives and handing things over to me for me to read w/o having to be asked. I have elected NOT to read the letter or see the pictures as it is a no-win situation for me. I have a good idea to what the content is of the communication, so no need reading it. However, she read it before letting me know about it and that hurts. It has been 3 weeks since I found about the affair, and we've made some progress in re: to her ability to communicate. But until she gets to the point that she just rips up the letter, or immediately deletes the email, then it is not really progress...this kind of stuff certainly sets us back.


I realize that it may be uncomfortable (if not outright painful) for you to do so, but you really should at least scan through what's being sent in order to get an idea of the overall content. And, at some point, you're gonna have to call/confront this d*ckhead yourself. His repeated overtures of love and affection to your wife cannot go unanswered. Your wife needs to see you react to this in a somewhat forceful way.

If, after doing this, the attempts at contact continue, have your mail re-routed to a PO Box, and make sure that you have the only key to it. Has your wife changed her cell phone number, e-mail address, etc? Contact can also be avoided by blocking his numbers at the carrier level, as well as e-mail filtering.



eddiejov55 said:


> I have not exposed the affair to anyone. I've read everyone's comments on this topic and know that opinions go both ways. I have not bridged this topic with our counselor, but I intend to at my next session. At this point, *I am of the opinion that our parents should know.*


Agreed. Because hey, accountability. And the more, the better.



eddiejov55 said:


> I am not planning on having the paternity test done before birth.


I agree w/ this as well. Given the laws on the books in your state, as well as the extra expense involved, there's really no point in spending the extra money if you're comfortable w/ waiting.

Any further indication that there was PIV or that the affair went on longer or started earlier than initially indicated?

Overall I'd say that you're doing well. Stay strong!


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## turnera

eddiejov55 said:


> (4) I have not exposed the affair to anyone. I've read everyone's comments on this topic and know that opinions go both ways. I have not bridged this topic with our counselor, but I intend to at my next session. At this point, I am of the opinion that our parents should know.


I agree and would add one thing: If this idjit is still contacting her, YOU have to take action. I don't remember if he's married; if so, call his wife and tell her. If not, call his parents/siblings and tell them to call him off.


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## manfromlamancha

Hi Eddie - good to have you back. Here are my observations/comments/questions:

This is still far from over:


Why did the guy suddenly contact her? Were they more than friends before? The speed with which it went to "I love you" (from her) is truly worrying.

You still do not have a credible reason for why she did this which means that she is still not truly remorseful - just upset that she got caught! Else it would still continue.

This could have happened before/started some time ago. You just don't know.

As others have said, her discussing this with friends is never good and she still has feelings for him which means that you are her financial support and stability. This means it will happen again.

You need to get to the bottom of this.


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## anchorwatch

Get a "No Contact Letter" sent to him ASAP. Have him sign for it or have it served to him. It can act as a notice, if he ignores it, you'll take legal action against him.

Block all of his phone numbers and email addresses. Block him on fbook, twitter and other social media sites, or just shut them down. Change her phone number and emails too...You've waited too long to take this action. 

Get you courage up (you've done very well so far) and start to read what the eff he is telling her. Always listen to what your enemy is thinking.


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## tom67

anchorwatch said:


> Get a "No Contact Letter" sent to him ASAP. Have him sign for it or have it served to him. It can act as a notice if he ignores it, you'll take legal action against him.


This^^^
Put an end to him contacting her.


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## tom67

manfromlamancha said:


> Hi Eddie - good to have you back. Here are my observations/comments/questions:
> 
> This is still far from over:
> 
> 
> Why did the guy suddenly contact her? Were they more than friends before? The speed with which it went to "I love you" (from her) is truly worrying.
> 
> You still do not have a credible reason for why she did this which means that she is still not truly remorseful - just upset that she got caught! Else it would still continue.
> 
> This could have happened before/started some time ago. You just don't know.
> 
> As others have said, her discussing this with friends is never good and she still has feelings for him which means that you are her financial support and stability. This means it will happen again.
> 
> You need to get to the bottom of this.


:iagree:
This is important Eddie.


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## bandit.45

So Eddie. You are basically going to ignore all the advice given you and sweep it all under the rug?

Good luck to you. I'm out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eddiejov55

bandit.45 said:


> So Eddie. You are basically going to ignore all the advice given you and sweep it all under the rug?
> 
> Good luck to you. I'm out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sweep it under the rug? Ignore advice? Ok pal. That's precisely what I've done. 

Don't go. I'm sure others on this board can benefit greatly from your brilliant intuition and ability to really read into situations. As for me, posting on here is voluntary and it is not helpful to provide updates and then be ridiculed. 

All, thanks for taking the time to respond. Most of the support has been very helpful. I've been open and honest and followed through on most advice. I have not exposed and I have not sought a paternity test prior to birth because it just doesn't make a difference for legal reasons in my state of residence. I will do that post birth as I have said many times. Outside of that I have done everything and I am grateful for those that took the time to genuinely support me. 

Farewell!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Don't want to p!ss you off further, but you have missed the most important thing inreconcilling with a cheating wife. The contact she is still having with him, ie reading his love letters etc. Means she is still deep in the affair. Frankly, you not reading what he's sending is beyond incomprehensible. Your head IS firmly in the sand. 

Bandit was only trying to snap you out of your denial.

There are other forums that will pat you on the back and commiserate with you. This forum is really about dealing with infidelity. Two by fours are likely to fly at any time a poster is failing to take the time tested, actions necessary to save or jettison the marriage.

Btw, allowing him to communicate with your wife is worse than just rugsweeping, its giving your permission to carry on with the affair.


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## GusPolinski

Eddie, everyone here realizes that you're having a rough time with this somewhat unique situation and, for the most part, you're doing relatively well. Having said that, Chap -- and even Bandit, for all his "subtlety" (and, given the rather terse nature of his last post, this may very well not have come through) -- is right on the money with his above commentary. 

You have to *BREAK* this affair and not just hope that it will die a slow death from atrophy. Take more active steps to block communications from this guy. Call him yourself if you have to. EXPOSE. As long as your wife is receiving *anything* from him (and *especially* if she's reading letters, etc before giving them to you), _she's still in the affair_, even if only passively.

Stay the course and see things through.


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## WorkingOnMe

She's not having sex with you is she? Another sign she's still in the affair.


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## turnera

Women typically have sex with only one man at a time. If it's not you, then she's at least thinking of him. 

Get her to do the NC letter, and call the POSOM up yourself and tell him to back the fvck off. She will admire you for that, and be more likely to want to have sex with you.


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## AliceA

She's never going to get her head and heart out of this affair if she continues contact with him. Do you really want the soon to be mother of your child in love with another man? There have been no repercussions (exposure) for her actions and she's free to continue the contact (you haven't insisted on 'no contact'). This is on the path to her continuing the affair and eventual divorce.


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## Chaparral

Your best resource, especially when you do not like what you are hearing, is to read many of the other threads.

Cheaters follow the same script over and over. Betrayed spouses follow a few different scripts themselves. By checking out the other threads you can see which scripts work and which do not have a chance.


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## manfromlamancha

Eddie how are you doing? Just checking in on you - hope you are OK.


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## GusPolinski

How're you doing, Eddie?


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