# How can this be fixed



## aj2015 (Dec 5, 2015)

New here, need some advice. Background i was a victim of sexual abuse when i was a little girl, just forced to do oral things by a relative close in age. Was guilted into it by comments such as "i wont play with you" etc. 

Fast forward to before i met my husband i was very sexual, would sleep with just about anyone. I didnt see my body as anything other then a tool to use to get some attention from guys for awhile. I was always very open and honest about what i did. When i met my husband i told him all this from day one, he has only had three sexual partners in his life. 

He is a larger man, not the typical "hottie" i used to date, but i had never had any luck with that type and was just looking for a loving, stable, caring man who would enjoy the things in life that i do etc.

sex life started great, in all the men ive slept with ive only "got off" during sex with three of them. my husband being one of them. We got pregnant, had a baby got married. our son is nearing three and since he was born its been awful in the bedroom.

It started with him asking for sex and me being tired, not in the mood and he would get ****ty, and pout for days before he finally blew up about how hes horny etc. He will sometimes say things such as "if you loved me you would just let me do it" and other comments. If i say no not tonight he will make me pick a day within the next week that i will have sex with him, so that day comes and i know no matter what i have to have sex bc i told him i would, that brings up issues from my childhood and being FORCED and talked into doing something i dont want to do! He cant understand why i react the way i do to that kind of thing, its never been an issue before bc i always WANTED to have sex. 

Im at the point where i just dont know what to do,i dont enjoy kissing him and get annoyed pretty easy. and then when we do have sex, he lasts about thirty seconds.......i try to make sure we do it at least once a week but when i get caught up with life and get migraines and am just not in the mood he gets so pouty and it annoys me to no end. I know i am stubborn and digging my feet in, but i honestly feel like if something were to happen and i couldnt have sex ever again he would leave me, ive told him that and he tells me im crazy thats not true, but his actions make me believe otherwise. 

its hard for him to know i used to be very very sexual with everyone else but now hate having sex with my husband and i can understand why he feels that way, but when he trys to guilt me into it i feel like that little girl again only now i have the power to say no, bc its my body. 

ugh i dunno what to do


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Sorry to hear about your issue. If it helps you sound normal because even women without a history of abuse will not want to be forced to provide sexual services to their husbands as they do not want to feel used.

Odds are your husbands needs intimacy to feel connected to you, so you need to learn how to cool him down and build his self confidence. Tell him you have always had a fantasy to watch him masturbate, and hold him while he does it. Or just give him a back rub and tell him that he needs to do what ever it takes to make you feel loved and that sex will happen naturally but he can't expect or force it. 

It is a messy problem, do not expect it to get better right away...

You can always joke and tell him he is REALLY BAD at playing hard to get, and that is what you want! 

Cheers,
Badsanta


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Here is a blog you may find of interest.

New to this blog? Start here. - The Forgiven Wife

Edited in - Actually start with this link - http://forgivenwife.com/?s=unbearable+lessons&submit=Search

The author writes about how she viewed her husband thru the tainted view created by previous men in her life.

Also, you may find this book of interest - Official Site for Shannon Ethridge Ministries The Sexually Confident Wife - Official Site for Shannon Ethridge Ministries

The author dealt with past abuse issues.

Have your husband come to TAM, there are a number of suggestions that may be better received coming from someone other than his wife.

Intimacy is extremely important for many men, he just hasnt learned how to handle the extreme frustration he is feeling.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Note that this is just speculation on my part, not knowing your husband. But I have seen a lot of these situations and believe I have some understanding of what is going on.

Many men, possibly including your husband, consider sex as the main way that they feel connected to their wives. Thus, when you tell him that you won't have sex with him, he feels cut off from his connection with you.

I certainly understand that you have been the object of horrible abuse in the form of sex, but that wasn't done by your husband. So when he knows that you have been highly sexual with others but don't want to be with him, even though he was not the cause of your pain in the past, he feels terribly rejected and abandoned.

If you can't change your attitude toward sex, then I'm afraid that your marriage is going to be severely impacted if not ended entirely.

Have you had counseling for your sexual abuse history?


----------



## aj2015 (Dec 5, 2015)

Thanks everyone. Those were good articles and I downloaded that book. Thank you. 

I have never went to any kind of therapist. I always dealt with it quite well until recently. I feel like I have a hard time relating sex to love. Bc sex was always a "tool" and all the sex in the world never made any of my relationships last or they were only with me for that. I know this is more of a me problem then a him problem. It's not fair that I was so sexually active with all the other men but not my husband. I understand that but there's like a wall there now. Thanks for the advice everyone.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Very normal for things to go downhill after baby.
Many reasons for it have been proposed.

First up, him doing things to appease you WILL NOT WORK.
Do not go there.

Second, you just doing things so he won't be upset; or so you can keep your "child's father, protector and provider" won't work (in fact the latter works so poorly it should be a criminal act along side grand theft or fraud)

I would ask you, to start with try to appreciate that for a human being with significant testosterone and working genitals that need for sex is as important to your husband as it is for you to talk to other human beings - how would you feel if you limited yourself to only communicating (via typing or voice or picture) with other humans for only the same amount of time you spent in physical sex (foreplay included but talking excluded).

This *IS* is best thing of the day, his reason for getting up in the morning. His "shopping trip" (and with a good partner, like a competition win "no limit, no repayments, credit card"), a lot of effort, a lot of laughs and exploring, lots of touch sensation (release of endorphins and oxytocin), and the actual sexual act... like finding that perfect match or present at the end of it. Dealing with a grumpy wife or picky spouse, is more like "specials day" efforts, or getting that present for the in-law you don't really like because they already have everything and know everything... And the "routine sex".... like grocery shopping when you're tired.

Now, IMO, and only IMO!, you need to work out what you're doing with yourself. And IMO, and only IMO!, that's going to be really hard because your "Mum hormones" are busy overwhelming your brain and turning your thoughts into a level 4 hurricane (and that's the good days). Your conscious mind constantly hammered by the needs your unconscious mind is throwing at you about what you should be doing for the kid, for yourself, for your (shrinking!!) social contact, dealing with the social "mum battles" with other parents, lack of support emotionally yourself and lack of quality time with your friends..... where are "you" in this mess?
Sound familiar? When else have you been so torn and out of control? When else have you been the no-one and doing what everyone else demands of you so you can keep up with everyone?? Ring a bell?

IMO, and only IMO, you are the only one who can solve the problem - not because its your responsibility - but simply because you have the most influence over _your_ actions and decisions. To do that to your best advantage you _need_ information. Who do you want to be? be reasonable - we're talking about socially here. Do you want to be "SAHM" or does that make you want to scream and run? Do you want a career? WRITE IT DOWN. Then write down how you see things now. This forum is as good a place as any (at least for the stuff you are willing to make public). Do you still respect your husband? What would your husband have to do to be more impressive in your eyes? Not what you _want_, or what the magazines tell you what is the "correct" thing to want, but what would you look up to. What real time and resources to you need to "be yourself". Look at your husband, who is he to you apart from a baby daddy? What is it that makes him, him. Has he the room to be someone he wants to be? Have you ever asked him who he wants to be?

His sexual need is currently biologically driven, not just from desire or caring for you.
I'm betting that at the moment, you really just want him to "turn it off". So you can coast along without worrying about just where things are going, so it's not a nuisance in your day/life. Does that really sound like a partnership or a together thing to you? Do you actually -want- that guy, or for this marriage to be forever? What do you hope to get from a life long marriage commitment?

I look forward to your reply.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

technovelist said:


> Note that this is just speculation on my part, not knowing your husband. But I have seen a lot of these situations and believe I have some understanding of what is going on.
> 
> *Many men, possibly including your husband, consider sex as the main way that they feel connected to their wives. Thus, when you tell him that you won't have sex with him, he feels cut off from his connection with you.*
> 
> ...


My wife was abused in prior relationship. It took me a while to convince her that I was not the type of man that was using her just to get off & then I would cast her aside. There seems to be two types of men, those that use,abuse & cast aside, where sex does not mean anything other than a release. Then there are men like me that view sex as the MOST INTIMATE BONDING EXPERIENCE THEY HAVE EVER FELT!!!

I told my wife that I felt like I was married to the Heisman trophy. She was the running back, the football was intimacy, and I was the poor schmuck on the end of the stiff arm.

Granted, your husband is not handling rejection well, and could do things differently, BOTH of you need to work on this issue.

PLEASE seek counseling for your abuse. My wife did not until I talked to a divorce attorney. I told her I could not live in a marriage without intimacy. I told her "I have always treated you with respect & kindness, stop punishing me for the actions of some POS.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Men who pout and throw tantrums when they don't get sex are very unattractive. Nobody gets aroused by a bratty toddler.

Just saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Men who pout and throw tantrums when they don't get sex are very unattractive. Nobody gets aroused by a bratty toddler.
> 
> Just saying.


Women who reject their husbands sexually because of something that someone else did aren't that great either.

Just saying.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

technovelist said:


> Women who reject their husbands sexually because of something that someone else did aren't that great either.
> 
> Just saying.


Yet he still wants sex with her, so how bad can she be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yet he still wants sex with her, so how bad can she be?


Many women have trouble understanding the strength of the average male's sex drive. There have been women who had to take testosterone for medical reasons and a common response from those women was "Dear God, how do I make it stop?"


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yet he still wants sex with her, so how bad can she be?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Husband only has two options - suck it up and live a sexless life & try spend time with kids until they are old enough to know that Dad does love them before divorcing, or get a divorce right now.

OP stated that the abuse is affecting her, there's not a DAMN THING husband can do to change her feelings. She has to want to do it HERSELF. 

BEEN THERE, TRIED THAT, DIDN'T F------ WORK!!!

Here is a section of a article from the forgiven wife blog - There are experiences that genuinely can make sexual intimacy difficult for a woman—CSA, growing up with men who demean or hurt women, and sexual assault come to mind. A husband should learn to support his wife in her healing—but not in her complacency. Healing from these things is hard, and it hurts. It isn’t a surprise if a woman tries to avoid that experience—but once we marry, we are part of something bigger than ourselves. If I have a past that interferes with marital intimacy (and I did), it is my job to work on addressing that until it no longer hurts my marriage.
A husband should learn to support his wife in her healing–but not in her complacency.
That sentence is worth the price of admission to the whole series. (You realize that that line is going to become a staple of this blog, don’t you?)


All I could do was support my wife once she started to work on healing and not be complacent.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Husband only has two options - suck it up and live a sexless life & try spend time with kids until they are old enough to know that Dad does love them before divorcing, or get a divorce right now.
> 
> OP stated that the abuse is affecting her, there's not a DAMN THING husband can do to change her feelings. She has to want to do it HERSELF.
> 
> ...


Let me give you the perspective of a csa survivor, also at the hands of a relative, whose mother and grandmother knew about it and looked the other way. It is extremely important that a csa survivor feels safe and protected by her hb. A hb who throws tantrums and pouts when he doesn't get the sex he wants becomes an adversary who is not safe, and he becomes unattractive. 

Survivors need a partner to make them feel safe, yet she can't go to someone else to feel safe. So they're both trapped.

MC might help, simply demanding she suck it up because hubby needs sex will only lead to more resentment on her part until she finally leaves and he's shocked because he was getting sex so he thought things were fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

You need to get trauma therapy, pronto. You both could use some marriage therapy. 

If not eventually he will leave, maybe he'll fight the greatest disappointment of his life for quite a while but eventually your poor treatment of him will drive him away. 

I have lot's of compassion for you and your situation IF you work on your problems through therapy. If not, not so much...


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Men who pout and throw tantrums when they don't get sex are very unattractive. Nobody gets aroused by a bratty toddler.
> 
> Just saying.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WHAT?????

Tantrums and pouting are my favorite goto routines!!!!

Badsanta ripping up his playbook....

Sigh,
Badsanta


----------



## aj2015 (Dec 5, 2015)

I am reading all these comments and following up on posted articles. I've thought about MC but with a toddler two full time jobs and life in general it's finding time for that that seems to be hard. I have understood for awhile that my abuse as a child is coming back to haunt me twenty some years of dealing with it fine now all of a sudden it's a problem is sinking in.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

technovelist said:


> Many women have trouble understanding the strength of the average male's sex drive. There have been women who had to take testosterone for medical reasons and a common response from those women was "Dear God, how do I make it stop?"


There was a documentary of this woman that underwent a sex change to become a man. She said that once he changed over to male hormones she finally understood, "I mean holy crap there is just nothing to even try to compare this to for an average woman in a way that they would ever understand what it is to have a male sex drive!" 

In another documentary there was a female scientist that had to have some kind of surgery related to her pituitary gland which required her to take all kinds of hormones for the rest of her life. She claimed to have once taken a regimen of hormones that matched a 21-year-old male. She said that experience changed her life and that she finally understood men. She was like OMG, it changed my whole perception of everything. The experience left her extremely empathetic towards how women treat men and she was filled with extreme sorrow to finally understand what we go through dealing with women. After that experience she finally understood how to really communicate with men really well!!!


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So we have a guy who knows his wife had sex w lots if men. He marries her, has great sex for a while, they have a baby and she then decides she doesn't like sex with him EVER. He is stuck in a sexless marriage and she blames it on past sexual abuse? 

I know how I would feel. I know what I would do. I am sorry for your past abuse. 

He is not a temper tantrum throwing baby. He has every right to expect his wife who supposedly loves him to WANT him sexually, just like she once did. How can anyone think poorly of him? If they were in his shoes, they'd be doing the same thing. 

OP, you had better figure out if your hormones are messed up or your mind is, and try to fix the problem. Go see a doctor.

You don't want sex anymore... What changed? Do you just want sex with other men now? Be honest with yourself and then be honest with your husband so he can move on if you are no longer attracted to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yet he still wants sex with her, so how bad can she be?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I personally, don't have an off switch on my sex drive. Some do, the couple has a fight, and with it comes a sex moratorium. It's not right or wrong, just the way we are. I know there are others like me (although, maybe it's less common for a woman to feel this way). Just because OP's husband still wants sex, doesn't mean he's happy with the current situation. Wanting/having sex doesn't necessarily signify capitulation to all other marital issues.



aj2015 said:


> I am reading all these comments and following up on posted articles. I've thought about MC but with a toddler two full time jobs and life in general it's finding time for that that seems to be hard. I have understood for awhile that my abuse as a child is coming back to haunt me twenty some years of dealing with it fine now all of a sudden it's a problem is sinking in.


OP, i think if you want your marriage to work, you're going to have to make time for MC or IC. This is not something that's just going to go away. Eventually, someone's going to get to the end of their rope, whether it will be you or him. It's either now, or later, or it's too late. Your husband may want MC later, but for now maybe IC for you is your best bet. Your husband has issues too, but yours are much deeper rooted in your personal history, before you even met him.



Evinrude58 said:


> So we have a guy who knows his wife had sex w lots if men. He marries her, has great sex for a while, they have a baby and she then decides she doesn't like sex with him EVER. He is stuck in a sexless marriage and she blames it on past sexual abuse?
> 
> I know how I would feel. I know what I would do. I am sorry for your past abuse.
> 
> ...


^
This is not your TAM stock character: wife has a baby, no more sex. She wants help. Looking for help is a step in the right direction.

But, yeah. Evinrude IMO, is a little harsh, but exactly correct.


----------



## aj2015 (Dec 5, 2015)

How you got that I want sex with other men is beyond me. Yeah having a baby will change things alot. So what changed was I saw his reactions to me not being in the mood. Bein exhausted at night and worrying about so much I can't focus on sex. I lay there an think did I let the dogs out? Did I wash my son's undies for tmrw (has to wear hypo allergenic ones so we have to do laundry every few days bc they are $15 bucks a pair and he's potty training) did I pack his lunch for daycare. What am I gonna wear tmrw. Did I start the dish washer. I had way more energy and less responsibility when me and him met. So yeah sex was never an issue. But when it became and issue I saw a side of him I'd never seen before. 

And mind you he still gets sex usually at least once a week. ....


----------



## aj2015 (Dec 5, 2015)

Please don't misunderstand we have a great marriage and the only thing we ever fight over is the sex. Which is why I came here asking for others opinion. Neither one of us is anywhere near close to calling it a quits and we both know that it's something requiring work...

Money is also an issue for holding off on the therapy. Which is why I have been going the Internet route looking for groups and places to talk with others without having to pay. 

We also have horses chickens and other things beside both working full time and raising a toddler that make our life pretty busy. Finding spare time is an issue. We have Sundays when we are both off but try to make it a family day with our son and just relaxing. 

I can still love my husband and say he throws tantrums lol


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

AJ, I think he was alluding to your past, not your present regarding men.

As for you...you desperately need IC. And your hubby needs to grow up. No woman likes to have sex with a pouty little boy...but no man likes to be in a marriage without sex. That is frequently when they turn to porn, or worse, seek sex elsewhere.

Honestly, AJ, if you want to see what is important to someone, you look at two things: where they spend their money, and where they spend their time. If your hubby is important to you, you will find the time for counseling. You need it.

And I would suggest a book for your hubby. It is called Hold On To Your N.U.T's. It is about living a principle centered life, and the first lesson he teaches men to do is to silence the little boy, which is that insecure voice in the back of his mind that causes him to whine when you reject him.

Get it for him. Ask him to read it. And you get into IC.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> You don't want sex anymore... What changed? Do you just want sex with other men now? Be honest with yourself and then be honest with your husband so he can move on if you are no longer attracted to him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





aj2015 said:


> How you got that I want sex with other men is beyond me. Yeah having a baby will change things alot. So what changed was I saw his reactions to me not being in the mood. Bein exhausted at night and worrying about so much I can't focus on sex. I lay there an think did I let the dogs out? Did I wash my son's undies for tmrw (has to wear hypo allergenic ones so we have to do laundry every few days bc they are $15 bucks a pair and he's potty training) did I pack his lunch for daycare. What am I gonna wear tmrw. Did I start the dish washer. I had way more energy and less responsibility when me and him met. So yeah sex was never an issue. But when it became and issue I saw a side of him I'd never seen before.
> 
> And mind you he still gets sex usually at least once a week. ....


OP, i totally get that. I have 2 kids, it's really hard to shut off the constant feed of stuff to do scrolling through my head, especially at night.

Many men whose wives don't want sex, don't respond to that issue with a "what would change that back to the way it was" mentality. Sometimes it's, "why doesn't she want to do me?". 

And sometimes that's exacerbated if you aren't really into the sex, even if it's still regular. And then the whining/pleading makes more sense as a response. Even though it's still not a good or helpful response.

Communication. Does he know that you are struggling? Maybe you could show him this thread. Effort makes a big difference in what many people are willing to put up with, vs. an unlikely to change new order.

And if your husband has come here or to friends looking for advice, it's extremely likely that he's been advised that many women just don't want sex after baby, and that he may just have to get used to the new status quo.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> OP, i totally get that. I have 2 kids, it's really hard to shut off the constant feed of stuff to do scrolling through my head, especially at night.


Also you're at _lot_ more engaged in the realisation that there are not just two of you in the relationship anymore. To him you are no longer the pregnant woman or the mum with breastfed baby tied to her, so he wants to know when his relationship with you is "getting back on track" because he hasn't chemically or physically changed, so such a response is normal. But for her, she _has_ changed in so many different ways, and taken an entirely different life gnosis path.

the relationship has to be rebuilt on different terms, and sadly many women are already in another relationship, that of mother-child, and he gets pushed aside so his priorities no longer matter to her like they did before.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

aj2015 - Sorry if my last post sounded ranty. Please let me offer a list for consideration.

1. Have your husband read the unbearable lessons blog post. 
Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife

2. Let him know that you regret VIEWING him the same as your abuser. When my wife actually acknowledged this fact, and said she would work on changing, it softened my heart to work with her.

3. Give him this link - For Husbands - The Forgiven Wife and ask him to read it. I have found that reading many of her articles give me a perspective of what my wife was feeling and helped me to be more understanding. 

4. Ask him to back away from pushing for sex for a little while, even just a month. Let him know you need to clear your head for a bit. Let him know that you won't be over the abuse in just a month, but you need to "reset" yourself. Then, initiate once in awhile, let him know that you still want to be with him. Find something that doesn't trigger you too bad. Reach in the shower & give a HJ. Do something to let him feel the intimate connection he wants from you.

5. Get the book "The 5 Love Languages". Both of you read it and take the quiz to find out what each others top 3 are. If he starts to speak your top 3 regularly, it will help the overall marriage. And even if intimacy is his top 1, speaking his other 2 let him know you are working on relationship.

6. Does you husband's workplace have any type of employee benefit package that includes a couple of free counseling sessions with a therapist?

7. Is there a local Rape & Abuse center that could offer free or low rate services?

Final note - being married to a abused person is very frustrating. You love & want to have an intimate relationship with your spouse. Yet the most intimate relationship pushes them away. If I were to sit down & talk to your husband, I would tell him that the journey will not be easy, but the end result will be a much better marriage.

Prayers for your success.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Let me give you the perspective of a csa survivor, also at the hands of a relative, whose mother and grandmother knew about it and looked the other way. It is extremely important that a csa survivor feels safe and protected by her hb. A hb who throws tantrums and pouts when he doesn't get the sex he wants becomes an adversary who is not safe, and he becomes unattractive.
> 
> Survivors need a partner to make them feel safe, yet she can't go to someone else to feel safe. So they're both trapped.
> 
> ...


I agree the wife needs to feel safe. The reason I quoted the blog post about being complacent was for years I provided a safe environment. My wife told me so, many times. Which in a way was frustrating for me. If I am providing a safe, loving place to be, why didn't she want to be intimate with me? It wasn't until I pushed her into a corner that she was willing to face her demons of the past.

It's not an issue that only one of them can deal with. It has to be worked on together.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> I agree the wife needs to feel safe. The reason I quoted the blog post about being complacent was for years I provided a safe environment. My wife told me so, many times. Which in a way was frustrating for me. If I am providing a safe, loving place to be, why didn't she want to be intimate with me? It wasn't until I pushed her into a corner that she was willing to face her demons of the past.
> 
> It's not an issue that only one of them can deal with. It has to be worked on together.


For sure they need to work together, but to compare himself to other men before him is just plain ridiculous. All of them existed to her prior to life handing her responsibilities. ....drop any one of them into a marriage with toddlers, full time jobs, and a home/horses/chickens and you'd get the same outcome.

Don't know if it's been asked but is he carrying his load around the house?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Don't listen to most advice given here. You are a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse.
Educate yourself about this.
The adult manifestations are - sexually acting out with STRANGERS.
Your Husband WAS a stranger, but now you view him as FAMILY - and family is who abused you... so now your husband has become your abuser. Its what happens when a CSA survivor cracks (begins remembering).
Your husband loves you, craves to be close to you and have sex with you.
You feel his touch makes your skin burn, him on you feels claustrophobic and trapped.

This is ALL YOUR PROBLEM. Not his.
Get into IC with a specialist in CSA. Send your husband to IC as a Partner of CSA.

If you do not do this, your marriage WILL implode. And your husband will not know why.

Your childhood abuse is the core of the problem in your marriage.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> For sure they need to work together, but to *compare himself to other men before him is just plain ridiculous*. All of them existed to her prior to life handing her responsibilities. ....drop any one of them into a marriage with toddlers, full time jobs, and a home/horses/chickens and you'd get the same outcome.
> 
> Don't know if it's been asked but is he carrying his load around the house?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not saying he is comparing himself to the prior men, SHE is. The point of the blog post link is that the author was viewing her husband with the history of the past in mind. He hasn't done any abusing, but she has the mindset of all men are alike.

Funny you should mention "carrying his load". That's one tool I used to bring the issue to a head with my wife. I asked her what I could do to help her feel more in the mood. I knew issue was past abuse, but at that time she refused to acknowledge it. She said "More housework" So I started small, but within about 2 months I was doing all the laundry, mopping floors, cooking as many meals as possible using crockpots, etc, so even when I had to be gone for work, a meal was there. This while I was working full time and she was part time. 

After a year, and only have intimacy 5.5 times, I stopped. Didn't lift a finger. Within a week she asked why I wasn't doing any housework. I asked "Why aren't we having sex? (I also took kids to activities so she had alone time, along with taking her on dates) I spoke her love languages at full volume.

Her response was "What does sex have to do with anything?" I mentioned all the things I had been doing for a year. She said "You did all that JUST for Sex??" I said "There is the problem, it is NOT JUST sex, it is a intense bonding for me"

lifeistoshort - in my opinion, which I am entitled to have, you are like a cornered bear with her cubs behind her. No one is getting near them. In this case, the cub is the original poster. In your mind, all responsibility to fix the problem rests on the husband.

In reality, all he can do is try to be supportive as his wife works thru her issues.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be supportive of the poster. She has a hard time ahead of her working thru the past abuse issues. I am in no way making light of that.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> I'm not saying he is comparing himself to the prior men, SHE is. The point of the blog post link is that the author was viewing her husband with the history of the past in mind. He hasn't done any abusing, but she has the mindset of all men are alike.
> 
> Funny you should mention "carrying his load". That's one tool I used to bring the issue to a head with my wife. I asked her what I could do to help her feel more in the mood. I knew issue was past abuse, but at that time she refused to acknowledge it. She said "More housework" So I started small, but within about 2 months I was doing all the laundry, mopping floors, cooking as many meals as possible using crockpots, etc, so even when I had to be gone for work, a meal was there. This while I was working full time and she was part time.
> 
> ...


You can have any opinion you want, doesn't mean it's based on anything. I could postulate that your wife didn't want sex because you're a selfish lover, but that doesn't mean its based on anythung. So based on your logic you too are like a cornered bear with her poor, abused sexless hb as the cub.

And guess what? I am a csa survivor but I also have quite a nice sex life hb so maybe it's possible I know what I'm talking about. 

There is a power dynamic here in which life piles on crap and op, like many others, ebbs and flows in her desires. Hubby responds by throwing a tantrum, which is unattractive to everyone, but to her represents all the times when sexual acts were forced on her.

I don't understand your resistance here, our past shapes all of us.
Women with hb's who are insecure because they were cheated on in the past are expected to understand and reassure all the time even though they didn't cheat. 
Would you demand a hb with ED issues thanks to past abuse suck it up because his wife wants sex and will throw a tantrum if she doesn't get it?

Or are mens sex lives just subject to special rules?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

sixty-eight said:


> OP, i totally get that. I have 2 kids, it's really hard to shut off the constant feed of stuff to do scrolling through my head, especially at night.
> 
> Many men whose wives don't want sex, don't respond to that issue with a "what would change that back to the way it was" mentality. Sometimes it's, "why doesn't she want to do me?".
> 
> ...


quoted for truth!!!! OP - let him know your not happy with situation either and are willing to work on it. Ignoring issue would be the worst thing you could do.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> You can have any opinion you want, doesn't mean it's based on anything. I could postulate that your wife didn't want sex because you're a selfish lover, but that doesn't mean its based on anythung. So based on your logic you too are like a cornered bear with her poor, abused sexless hb as the cub.
> 
> And guess what? I am a csa survivor but I also have quite a nice sex life hb so maybe it's possible I know what I'm talking about.
> 
> ...


I think everyone on TAM views the issues thru their experiences.

As to your question regarding the hb with ED from past abuse, I wouldn't use the term "suck it up", which I also haven't used in the current thread in regards to OP.

I would however, tell the hb with ED to get in IC and MC, as his wife deserves a intimate relationship without baggage.

And as a parting shot "Or are mens sex lives just subject to special rules?", this kinda reinforces my point of the mama bear reference.:surprise:

The best part of TAM is OP gets multiple viewpoints, and she can hopefully pick out ideas from all of us that will help her and her husband move forward to a better life.


----------



## aj2015 (Dec 5, 2015)

Thanks guys. Ive been following up with those blogs and links and have found a lot of useful information. I do get that the best thing for me would be therapy and i understand you spend time and money on things that matter, but right now, its just not something we have to spare. I will look into support groups and other free sessions. Maybe try and find a CSA survivor forums like this one. 

Thanks again for all the responses


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I'm sorry about what happened to you.

However a man should be very upset if his wife gave alot of causal sex to alot of men, and yet he has pledged his entire life to her and she does not even do him the same courtesy.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

aj2015 said:


> Thanks guys. Ive been following up with those blogs and links and have found a lot of useful information. I do get that the best thing for me would be therapy and i understand you spend time and money on things that matter, but right now, its just not something we have to spare. I will look into support groups and other free sessions. Maybe try and find a CSA survivor forums like this one.
> 
> Thanks again for all the responses


Let him know you are working on this, can only help...


----------



## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

aj2015 said:


> How you got that I want sex with other men is beyond me. Yeah having a baby will change things alot. So what changed was I saw his reactions to me not being in the mood. Bein exhausted at night and worrying about so much I can't focus on sex. I lay there an think did I let the dogs out? Did I wash my son's undies for tmrw (has to wear hypo allergenic ones so we have to do laundry every few days bc they are $15 bucks a pair and he's potty training) did I pack his lunch for daycare. What am I gonna wear tmrw. Did I start the dish washer. I had way more energy and less responsibility when me and him met. So yeah sex was never an issue. But when it became and issue I saw a side of him I'd never seen before.
> 
> And mind you he still gets sex usually at least once a week. ....


How many of these tasks does he help out with?


----------



## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

It's a "we" problem.


----------



## aj2015 (Dec 5, 2015)

Lol how many tasks does he help with. Well if I give him a list to do he will sometimes do those things. He Def. Slacks on helping with stuff.around the house. My favorite is on his day off with our kid and I come home and I get "I couldnot clean I was watching him all day" haha yeah thats an issue we have but it's something we are getting better at. I by no means keep a tidy house. But I try to make sure the dishes are done and laundry done. He is getting better at that. But he still needs work ;-)


----------



## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

aj2015 said:


> Lol how many tasks does he help with. Well if I give him a list to do he will sometimes do those things. He Def. Slacks on helping with stuff.around the house. My favorite is on his day off with our kid and I come home and I get "I couldnot clean I was watching him all day" haha yeah thats an issue we have but it's something we are getting better at. I by no means keep a tidy house. But I try to make sure the dishes are done and laundry done. He is getting better at that. But he still needs work ;-)


There must be something in there that gives a clue to how he could help improve the situation. I just can't seem to put my finger on what it might be though. :scratchhead:


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you should definitely be seeing a therapist to work through your CSA trauma. 

However, that said, no marriage - even between two emotionally healthy folks with no major past trauma issues - survives long-term unless it is nurtured. 

That means the two of you need to figure out how to meet one another's needs. His top need is likely sex, which you're struggling to meet right now. But you should also figure out what your top need is and ask him to meet it. A good relationship is going to involve give and take from both sides. You both need to be willing to give to one another, and be able to trust that your partner will give to you in return. 

It also means the two of you need to figure out how to spend a good amount of pleasant quality time alone together doing things you both enjoy - dating one another. Saying you don't have time to continue dating your spouse after marriage is the same as saying that other things you do have time for are more important than your marriage, your partner, and your child's family. You actually do make time for things that are important to you. If your marriage is important, the two of you will need to scale back other things until you are able to spend the 15 or so hours a week alone together that it takes to maintain love. 

I highly recommend you get the newer edition of Willard Harley's book _His Needs, Her Needs_.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
This isn't anyone's fault, but it is a really big problem. 

She is suffering the aftereffects of abuse, so she has every right to not want sex. She should not have to put up with sex that she now finds in any way unpleasant.

He married a woman who appeared to enjoy frequent sex, he has every right to expect that to continues as long has his behavior hasn't significantly changed. He should not have to live with an (unintentional) bait / switch. Sex is vitally important to the happiness of some people. 


I really don't have a good suggestion beyond therapy / counseling. 

Is there any compromise? Are there sex acts that he enjoys and the OP doesn't mind doing, even if she is not particularly in the mood?


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

aj2015 said:


> New here, need some advice. Background i was a victim of sexual abuse when i was a little girl, just forced to do oral things by a relative close in age. Was guilted into it by comments such as "i wont play with you" etc.
> 
> Fast forward to before i met my husband i was very sexual, would sleep with just about anyone. I didnt see my body as anything other then a tool to use to get some attention from guys for awhile. I was always very open and honest about what i did. When i met my husband i told him all this from day one, he has only had three sexual partners in his life.
> 
> ...


Well, 
Your husband needs to stop whining and start learning how to please you in bed. He needs to stop pushing and when you do want to have sex he had better hit the mark and hit it well.
He needs to lose weight and work out. Dress well and take care of you and his family. If you don't want sex he needs to find something interesting to do on his own. He needs to be independent. He needs to be a man with a plan and take no prisoners. 

Am I right or am I wrong?


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

UMP said:


> Well,
> Your husband needs to stop whining and start learning how to please you in bed. He needs to stop pushing and when you do want to have sex he had better hit the mark and hit it well.
> He needs to lose weight and work out. Dress well and take care of you and his family. If you don't want sex he needs to find something interesting to do on his own. He needs to be independent. He needs to be a man with a plan and take no prisoners.
> 
> Am I right or am I wrong?


Mostly, I would say wrong


----------



## aj2015 (Dec 5, 2015)

things are going a bit better. Ive been asking him to hold me and cuddle me more at night when we are sleeping, turns out it helps get the juices flowing for me and i ended up waking him up in the middle of the night and i dunno if it was the thrill of being a random act, or that it wasnt expected, planned or even his idea but i found myself enjoying my husband.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Fantastic! :smthumbup:


----------

