# When is it time to call it a day?



## asteri (Mar 20, 2010)

Hi there,

Basically my question is "How do you know when a marriage is really over? How long do you give it before you call it a day?"
I'm so worried that I'm about to make a serious mistake.

Having read some of the posts here, and the problems some people are facing, I'm sure many people will think that I'm making something out of nothing but please read my story.

We got married very young and have been married for 20 years. My marriage has no serious problems (such as abuse etc.), just a feeling of something not being quite right, we don't fight and have an okay sex life. Things came to a climax in November and we had a serious talk where I aired all my grievances. DH did listen to me, and has made quite an effort to change, but I've been on a roller coaster of emotions since this all started in May 2009. 

It had never been the 'perfect' marriage (we all know that doesn't exist) and I wouldn't say I was unhappy as such, but I did always feel that I wanted more.(perhaps I'm looking for something that doesn't exist) Then my dad died suddenly in June 2009 and the shock of that has made me look at my life much more closely. I'm not happy. I spend every day telling myself to appreciate my DH and it seems to work for a while, but then I find myself feeling unsatisfied again. He's a good husband but I just feel like we've got nothing in common. I've done everything I can think of to shake myself out of it but nothing seems to work. And so it goes on - just like a roller coaster.

Anyway, to get to the point. I don't know what to do. It feels like I'm on the path to seperation and no matter how much I try to get myself off of it, I just keep coming back to the same path. I'm just afraid that if I lose my DH I will then realise my mistake, but it will be too late. Perhaps it's not my marriage that is at fault and I'll feel the same, or even worse, if I seperate. 

I'm so confused. Please help. Any comments would be appreciated.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

If your life was perfect, what would you do?

If you left your husband, and found a big pot of money somewhere, what would spend the next six months doing? Astronaut training? Sail the Atlantic alone? Star in porn films? What?

Figure out what it is you _want to be_, and then ask yourself if you can go ahead and be that while still married. If you can't, why not?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I agree with artieb. I think the issue is personal, not marital, but who knows for sure. 

Answer those questions artieb asked. Feed your spirit and pursue personal happiness while you are in your marriage. You may also want to get screened for depression or checked for hormonal imbalances - are you going into menopause, or through a mid-life crisis? Would counseling help you clarify your feelings better?

Don't make any decisions in regard to your marriage while you are feeling confused like this. There really are a lot of other options beyond walking away from a lifetime together. 

My guess is after that many years of sharing a life together, you have much more in common than what you are seeing, but are looking at your husband through old eyes. Try getting to know him all over again as if he were a stranger.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

We all have different situations and many of us relate other to our own to make sence of it all. You sound a lot like my wife just after she told me she had lost feeling for me because of some issues we had ( nothing big just stuff) she lost a dear friend to cancer and it seemed to send her down hill. She started looking for something to make her happy and 11 months later she has not found it. We have seen seperated for three months now and I still don't see her as happy. She will not talk to me because she says it is to emotional. That statement is a clue to me that if there is emotion there then there are feelings. Yes, I am afrais she will walk away from a 24 year marriage in search of something that is not there and never be happy. I miss her and wish she would let me help her but she will not let that happen. So I would do what you have to do to be sure. I am going to guess that you are nearing your midlife change which can cause all kinds of chemical changes in the female brain do some reasearch you will be surprised what you find. I know I was but getting my wife to read is impossible right now.
In a marriage of many years we all get comfortable with our situation and just go with the flow and somethings think the grass might be greener on the other side but from what I hear from other who went thru it it is just grass.

Good Luck


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## asteri (Mar 20, 2010)

Thanks for the replies. You've given me something to think about. This site has been a great help.
I'd just like to add that I'm from England, married to a Greek and living in Greece. When I met my husband I'd just been dumped by someone (so a bit vulnerable), and our attraction was purely physical - we didn't even speak each others languages well enough to really get to know each other. But we were "in love" and circumstances meant that we had to get engaged, then married, perhaps sooner than any other couple would have. 
The point is that I have no "think about why you got married in the first place" to help me stay on track. We got married out of love, but a love that was only based on appearances. That is why I'm having trouble with the "Did I marry the right person?" issue.
Also, can anyone recommend any good self help books that might be of use to me? I'd love to go to counselling, but it's not really an option here where I live.


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## Amiee (Mar 20, 2010)

Asteri - I relate you to you on so many levels. I too married my husband 20 years ago after dating him in high school for 9 years. That's 29 years total. Now that our one and only child is headed off to college this fall, I find myself wondering what the heck I am doing with this person and where do we go from here? Looking back on our courtship and then marriage, it has always been a "you do what you do and I do what I do" kind of relationship. We have never had any shared interests, nor have we ever discussed any hopes and dreams for the future. We have essentially drifted through day to day just peacefully co-existing. Never argue, never fight, never raise our voices at each other, etc. I really want out. I want to give myself permission to be on my own and see what life has to offer. Even if it means being alone for the rest of my life, I don't feel like I will be any more alone than I already am. My biggest holdup is that I don't think he is emotionally strong enough to be on his own...... stuck in a state of ambivalence...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he speaks English, you can do phone counseling with Dr Harley at marriagebuilders.com. They come up with concrete steps to take to see if your marriage is salvageable. While you're there, print out the Love Buster questionnaire and both of you fill them out. It will help you stop doing things that harm each other. Then, print out the Emotional Needs questionnaire and fill them out. If both of you make a conscious effort to make each other happy, I think the love will return.

And aside from that, the most important thing you can do (and you, too, Amiee) is to get out of your rut. Find things you both like to do - or discover NEW ones - and start spending at least 10-15 hours a week together doing 'fun' stuff, like you did when you were dating. 

I hope neither of you give up your marriage before doing this work.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Amiee said:


> Asteri - I relate you to you on so many levels. I too married my husband 20 years ago after dating him in high school for 9 years. That's 29 years total. Now that our one and only child is headed off to college this fall, I find myself wondering what the heck I am doing with this person and where do we go from here? Looking back on our courtship and then marriage, it has always been a "you do what you do and I do what I do" kind of relationship. We have never had any shared interests, nor have we ever discussed any hopes and dreams for the future. We have essentially drifted through day to day just peacefully co-existing. Never argue, never fight, never raise our voices at each other, etc. I really want out. I want to give myself permission to be on my own and see what life has to offer. Even if it means being alone for the rest of my life, I don't feel like I will be any more alone than I already am. My biggest holdup is that I don't think he is emotionally strong enough to be on his own...... stuck in a state of ambivalence...


Amiee may i ask u why did it take u 29 yrs to find that u have no shared interests & no hopes for future ? 


asteri I think what u should be thinking about right now is do u love ur husband ? once that is clear then u can take any step further .


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## asteri (Mar 20, 2010)

Thanks for the replies.
Amiee - Sorry to hear of your situation. The 'getting into a rut' problem does seem to affect some many people. It leads those involved to think that there *must *be sth seriously wrong with their marriages for them to be feeling this way. I know that's how I feel most of the time. You get some people saying "If you were really in love then you wouldn't be having such serious doubts" etc. I myself am a hopeless romantic, and have probably been influenced by this notion that many people have. But as many of the posts on these forums have made me realise, just because someone feels like giving up doesn't mean that their relationship is not worth saving. I'm going with that at the moment - leaving is definitely not something I really want to do. There are so many things that I love about my husband and our life together si I'm going to carry on working at getting over whatever it is that makes me want to 'self destruct'. I just hope I can do it.


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## asteri (Mar 20, 2010)

Thanks to everyone else for their advice. 
I continue in my quest for happiness.


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