# Save her, save me



## Roderic (Apr 18, 2010)

My wife is disabled & I am her carer. She has fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis and osteoporosis, all of which are very painful. She also has chronic urinary infection and suffered kidney failure in 2006. She has taken many drugs for over 12 years including morphine. She now has some liver damage. She is normally bright & outgoing, but she has some minor history of depression, low self-esteem and two episodes of self harm. She was bullied from age 11 and has ongoing issues about her weight & looks. In 2009, she became heavily involved in an online game – up to 8 or more hours a day – at the same time that new illnesses became noticed. The game represented independence and she was treated as an equal. I tried to limit her involvement, particularly in the chat rooms. It backfired, she became secretive & I came over as a control freak. She became friendly with another player – ‘just a friend’ – who lives 5000 miles away. After nineteen wonderful years together, never an argument – ever – a very close & loving relationship, she decided her feelings for me had gone. She still has all the core feelings of care, concern, respect etc and we have still been very close, holding hands, kissing etc. However, she decided she was going to leave to ‘save herself’ – it was save her or save me – she couldn’t do both. I am devastated. In panic, she booked a flight to South Africa to stay for an unspecified time with the mother of the internet friend. She wants to find her love for me, but she is too far out of reach & I fear she may never return. I have tried to support her wishes, but I believe that her physical & emotional health have caused her to lose her feelings and I need to know more about chemical imbalance, serotonin, self-love and anything that might explain the unexplainable. More than anything, I want her back. Can anyone help?


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## del88 (Mar 24, 2010)

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. Have you confronted your wife to determine if she has feeling for someone else? I think you need to find this out as well as the true reason she is going to South Africa. It's kind of hard to try and work things out if she doesn't want to.


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

OK ,just because my mind tends to look in weird places...

Is there a possibility she is doing this for you? I mean maybe she feels guilty about you having to care for her and feels if she leaves it may give you the chance to have a better life.

I'm not implying you would have a better life, simply throwing up a possibility that may be in her head - obviously I've NO idea


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## Roderic (Apr 18, 2010)

OneMarriedGuy said:


> OK ,just because my mind tends to look in weird places...
> 
> Is there a possibility she is doing this for you? I mean maybe she feels guilty about you having to care for her and feels if she leaves it may give you the chance to have a better life.
> 
> I'm not implying you would have a better life, simply throwing up a possibility that may be in her head - obviously I've NO idea


That's a good point that I need to consider. My first reaction is to say no, but .... I really don't know if she has feelings for the other guy, but she has assured me she has not and desires to love only me. My concern is that clearly, she has some emotional connection and he has been 'kind' enough to find her somehwere to retreat to. Now we have the issue of gratitude also - and total dependence in a country where everyone is locked into their homes. Also, it seems that, over time, men want more than just a platonic relationship even though women might prefer to be just good friends. With a deadline of a three month stay looming, he might feel the need to make a move. It has also been suggested today by a friend, that leaving me, with all I do to help my wife with life, medical and mobility issues, might be another form of self-harm. Another consideration. Yesterday I wrote a long and loving letter to her outling the options that we have to take pressure off her and get our marriage back on track. I quoted some of the things she has said to me over the last few months - beautiful things that, to me, mean that her love for me has been mislaid rather than lost. How she will receive them, I cannot guess. She is away, she says, to find her feelings, but I do not believe she can think her way out of this. With every day that goes by, we each slip in to new routines and I don't want to lose forever the rhythm of our lives together. I need to get her back to be able to make a difference.


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

Roderic said:


> My wife is disabled & I am her carer. She has fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis and osteoporosis, all of which are very painful. She also has chronic urinary infection and suffered kidney failure in 2006. She has taken many drugs for over 12 years including morphine. She now has some liver damage. She is normally bright & outgoing, but she has some minor history of depression, low self-esteem and two episodes of self harm. She was bullied from age 11 and has ongoing issues about her weight & looks. In 2009, she became heavily involved in an online game – up to 8 or more hours a day – at the same time that new illnesses became noticed. The game represented independence and she was treated as an equal. I tried to limit her involvement, particularly in the chat rooms. It backfired, she became secretive & I came over as a control freak. She became friendly with another player – ‘just a friend’ – who lives 5000 miles away. After nineteen wonderful years together, never an argument – ever – a very close & loving relationship, she decided her feelings for me had gone. She still has all the core feelings of care, concern, respect etc and we have still been very close, holding hands, kissing etc. However, she decided she was going to leave to ‘save herself’ – it was save her or save me – she couldn’t do both. I am devastated. In panic, she booked a flight to South Africa to stay for an unspecified time with the mother of the internet friend. She wants to find her love for me, but she is too far out of reach & I fear she may never return. I have tried to support her wishes, but I believe that her physical & emotional health have caused her to lose her feelings and I need to know more about chemical imbalance, serotonin, self-love and anything that might explain the unexplainable. More than anything, I want her back. Can anyone help?


Man, very tough. Whatever's going on, it must be extremely difficult to be BOTH her caregiver and her husband, romantically speaking.

Perhaps she has a lot of guilt about how you're always there for her, taking care of her, etc. and to see you romantically, as a loving spouse, may be hard for her to separate out or to fathom. I dunno.


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## Roderic (Apr 18, 2010)

created4success said:


> Man, very tough. Whatever's going on, it must be extremely difficult to be BOTH her caregiver and her husband, romantically speaking.
> 
> Perhaps she has a lot of guilt about how you're always there for her, taking care of her, etc. and to see you romantically, as a loving spouse, may be hard for her to separate out or to fathom. I dunno.


It's never been a problem in 14 years, so why should she feel guilty now? I wish I knew. There are so many things at play here and when I talk to her on skype every day, there is little warmth. I say I miss her, she responds, 'me too'. She never volunteers anything that might weaken her position - it's driving me mad. All I need is a small ***** of light, something to hang on to. We are still dealing with people we have done work for - most of them are friends because that is how it is in Greece. But if they say anything slightly wrong - she gets angry about them. She told me she always had a temper as a child, even though I never saw it in 19 years but it doesn't take much at the moment. Wish I could think what to do next.


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

Roderic said:


> It's never been a problem in 14 years, so why should she feel guilty now? I wish I knew. There are so many things at play here and when I talk to her on skype every day, there is little warmth. I say I miss her, she responds, 'me too'. She never volunteers anything that might weaken her position - it's driving me mad. All I need is a small ***** of light, something to hang on to. We are still dealing with people we have done work for - most of them are friends because that is how it is in Greece. But if they say anything slightly wrong - she gets angry about them. She told me she always had a temper as a child, even though I never saw it in 19 years but it doesn't take much at the moment. Wish I could think what to do next.


Gosh, I really feel for you. Don't recall if I mentioned this earlier or not, but I had something similar happen in my 1st marriage after only 3 months of being together. She called me up out of the blue and said she wanted a divorce. I was, like, speechless, like what's going on with you.

Despite what happens with your marriage in the future, it would be wise for you to start focusing on you for a change. Stop calling, emailing, texting, whatever. Allow her to initiate contact and give her some space.

As strange as it sounds (if you can), let go of her in your heart and move on, while still keeping it open if she changes, communicates or whatnot. It can't be easy for you to cling to a relationship that she's now somehow relegated to limbo: that's not fair to you--you deserve better than that.


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## Roderic (Apr 18, 2010)

I know that I deserve more consideration at this time, but that would require a level of rationality that my wife is incapable of at the moment. On the basis that there is an ebb & flow of love and support in any marriage, I am 'hoping' (difficult word that) that the tide will start to turn one day soon. The prospect of not supporting her now, is horrific to me.


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

Roderic said:


> I know that I deserve more consideration at this time, but that would require a level of rationality that my wife is incapable of at the moment. On the basis that there is an ebb & flow of love and support in any marriage, I am 'hoping' (difficult word that) that the tide will start to turn one day soon. The prospect of not supporting her now, is horrific to me.


You're right in your assessment, R, and wise to realize that there's ups and downs in every marriage, and have the attitude that you do in dealing with it. And hope is a good thing and sometimes mysterious: sometimes what we hope for hits right where we need it and when we need it!


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## Roderic (Apr 18, 2010)

created4success said:


> You're right in your assessment, R, and wise to realize that there's ups and downs in every marriage, and have the attitude that you do in dealing with it. And hope is a good thing and sometimes mysterious: sometimes what we hope for hits right where we need it and when we need it!


I wish the hope would kick in soon, I am so desperate. When I met my wife and it became clear that we would become a couple, I openly declared that I would not enter into any arrangement that caused grief. I had enough of that with my first wife who became a bully & an alcholic. There was no way that I would go down that road again because of what it did to me.

For almost 20 years, this philosophy worked perfectly - effortless, and not a single argument! Now, I feel as angry as I have ever been and that makes me feel guilty. I am angry at my wife for putting us in this impossible position - but then she is ill & that makes me feel angry at myself. I am angry about the effects of online computer games and their ability to exploit the vulnerable, I am angry at our friends for supporting me and deserting my wife at a time when we both need their help - there are so many conflicting issues here.

All of this anger is grinding me down and today I feel really ill - and I don't care! Even my blood-pressure monitor refuses to work!

I am trying to be more distant, play hard to get if you like, but it is killing me. I adore my wife and I know she loves me - how on earth do I influence her when she has run so far away? She has retreated from the real world in response to her health issues, and only her new-found friends and a fantasy computer game seem to sustain her. I wonder if they will come to her rescue when she needs them most?


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