# I'm dating my cheating ex-husband



## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

Hi! I've been lurking this site for the past month or so and finally decided to jump in. I don't normally do forums or haven't in about 15 years since I was pregnant with my son so this is a little weird for me. I was Googling my situation and found a thread that brought me here. 

I need somebody to tell me if what I'm doing is completely crazy. To make a long story short, my new boyfriend is my former husband. I think I'm (secretly) dating my ex-husband, the father of my child, who I divorced 10 years ago. It started off with sleeping together a few times and is evolving into a full blown relationship again. I feel stupid and silly and giddy and like I want to slap myself while on the other hand I just want to say screw it and enjoy the happy feelings it's giving me. 

Has anyone here got back together with an ex-spouse? I don't mean just sex, because that's what I've read about a lot on line. Has anyone actually attempted a real relationship with a former spouse? If so, how did it turn out? I know in my gut that this is may blow up in my face but I'm enjoying it too much to stop. Every advice column online advises a big NO on this one. 

There is more to the story but I'm hesitant to overshare right now because again this is all a little weird for me talking about this but I have to start somewhere.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personally I wouldn't date a man who had cheated period. 
What has happened in both your lives since the divorce? Has he been actively in your child's life since the divorce? 
What was the story of his cheating?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

There are many on here that have reconciled their relationship with a cheating spouse. Just not really sure why you would want to. 

My guess is that you never stopped loving him, I hope it works out for you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ten years is a long time.

It sounds like you have healed and you have forgiven him.
Do not be in any hurry to get serious with him.

He may see you as an easy target.

Ten years is a long time.
We change, in appearance, and in our personality during this period.

He likely sees you as a new person.
He may see you as just another conquest.

Enjoy, but do not give him your heart again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ABHale said:


> There are many on here that have reconciled their relationship with a cheating spouse. Just not really sure why you would want to.
> 
> My guess is that you never stopped loving him, I hope it works out for you.


Not sure there are many who divorced and then got back together 10 years later. 


Op I wonder if the pain of that time has faded in your mind, but could you cope with it happening again?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Taking an ex back is like sticking a turd back up your butt. 

It's one thing if young lovers separate because one of their family moved away when they were in high school or they took a job across the country right out of college or something and then their paths cross again years later. 

But it's different when the split occurred due to actual bad behavior and bad character flaw. 

Why is this the best you feel you can do?


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

He's a bad boy and you like that.........


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

No one likes this statement, but it’s true. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If he cheated on you before, he will do it again. Are you sure he’s not cheating on someone else with you?


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Personally I wouldn't date a man who had cheated period.
> What has happened in both your lives since the divorce? Has he been actively in your child's life since the divorce?
> What was the story of his cheating?


He cheated on me. He had an affair with a younger woman, which is saying something since I'm already 6 years younger than him. I left him as soon as I found out about it and moved onto divorce proceedings soon after that. Back then, there wasn't going to be any changing my mind. It was the _only_ option and I really didn't think twice about it. Divorce hurt but I never saw myself as somebody who would consider staying with a cheating spouse. I gave him absolutely no chance to reconcile. He said he wanted us to stay together. I didn't give any of his begging or pleading the time of day. It hurt to divorce and the first year especially was very hard for me. I had been a stay at home mom to our 5 year old son and my whole world was turned upside down.

After the first year I just began to get over the cheating part. We started to get along again. I even got along with his new wife, the woman he cheated on me with. She got pregnant and he married her. We attended our son's school activities and birthday parties and got along amicably and didn't have to avoid each other on opposite sides of the room. He's always been very involved in our son's life. We share 50/50 custody and it is truly 50/50 in practice. Our involvement in each other's lives, I might even say bordering on actual friendship at some points, did annoy our second spouses from time to time.

I eventually started dating and married again. My second husband is a good man. He was fantastic with my son. He loved me, provided for us, and gave me everything I wanted. I loved him but not in a passionate, romantic way. I convinced myself that I did, but I don't think I ever felt that way about him. I made myself pick 100% with my head based on what seemed safe and secure and made sense. I spent a lot of time rationalizing that I loved him _enough, _that it was good _enough,_ even if I never felt that complete lust, want to tear your clothes off sort of passionate attraction to him. Relationships and marriages are based on so much more than that, but over the last year or so of our marriage I realized that I didn't want to be in a marriage, no matter how safe and secure, that didn't include an inkling of those sorts of feelings. It wasn't fair to him for me to pretend to have those feelings or to try to force them.

We've both been divorced from our second spouses for over a year.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sounds pretty crazy. But my suspicion is you don't need us to tell you, you need to find the determination to stop.


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

ABHale said:


> There are many on here that have reconciled their relationship with a cheating spouse. Just not really sure why you would want to.
> 
> My guess is that you never stopped loving him, I hope it works out for you.


I'm not sure that this really counts as reconciliation, at least not in the typical sense. That's not what it feels like to me. After 10 years and subsequent marriages on both sides, can it even be considered reconciliation? 

I can say that my feelings for him over the years have been complicated. I used to privately wonder if I made the right decision by immediately jumping to divorce. Each time I'd start to question it I'd do everything that I could to squish those feelings and questions and assure myself that yes I did the right thing. I have certain feelings for him that I've never felt for any other man and I had those feelings for him even when I was married to somebody else. I just burried them.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Why does he say he cheated on you? What kind of conversations do you have about the affair? Has he cheated before or after the affair that ended your marriage? I would say that if you’re going to try to date him again and possibly end up back together you owe it to your kids (how many other kids are in the mix now?) to go about this with your head screwed on tightly. Logically speaking, how do you know he won’t cheat on you again? What’s different about him now? What’s the same? How long have you been dating him?

I know this is a lot of questions but I would say you need to answer them to yourself before you figure out if it’s safe to move forward. Don’t act on hormones, act on logic and reason. At least wait until the hormones die down before you start making lasting decisions.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Do you believe he’ll remain faithful to you this time around? If so, why?


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Was there any cheating involved this time around before you left your respective spouses (either you, him, or both)?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I do know a couple that had a kid in their mid-20s, they were engaged to be married, but one was a serial flirt and eventually cheated. The betrayed was like you and immediately cut the cheater off. Both moved on a had a few relationships. Then in their early 40s, I heard they married and had another 2 kids together. I don’t know enough details, so who knows. They are in their 50s now and are still married.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

bdivita said:


> I need somebody to tell me if what I'm doing is completely crazy.


Unfortunately you won't find anyone else whose story is the same as yours. 



QuietRiot said:


> Why does he say he cheated on you? What kind of conversations do you have about the affair?


Yes, this is important. Are you able to actually talk to him? Apart from the "tear your clothes off" stuff? 
Can you tell if he's grown as a person?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why did his second marriage end? 

Personally I would have stayed with the decent husband who actually had integrity, and not dated the cheater liar and deceiver.
I think you will regret it if you carry on.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

You had a decent husband that did everything right and you dropped that guy to go back and be with your cheating ex because you're more physically attracted to him? This is depressing.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> You had a decent husband that did everything right and you dropped that guy to go back and be with your cheating ex because you're more physically attracted to him? This is depressing.


Women keep telling me that this is not true.
women love opportunistically (therationalmale.com)


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Enigma32 said:


> You had a decent husband that did everything right and you dropped that guy to go back and be with your cheating ex because you're more physically attracted to him? This is depressing.


When you put it like that it sounds kind of bad.

I was about ready to give this union my blessing.

You know what, if you’re both doing what makes you feel good at the moment then what’s the harm in getting together again especially if it won’t screw up your finances? How damaging would it be to you if you found out he was cheating again? If it’s an “oh well, I guess we tried” and it’s not too difficult to unravel then what do you have to lose?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> *When you put it like that it sounds kind of bad.*
> 
> I was about ready to give this union my blessing.
> 
> You know what, if you’re both doing what makes you feel good at the moment then what’s the harm in getting together again especially if it won’t screw up your finances? How damaging would it be to you if you found out he was cheating again? If it’s an “oh well, I guess we tried” and it’s not too difficult to unravel then what do you have to lose?


Because it is kinda bad. This is something I have spoken about many times when it comes to relationships, and that is priorities. In my experience, people tend to prioritize certain things and they can then find those things, but usually at the expense of others. In this instance, we have a woman who was married to a great guy she admits took care of her 100% and was good to her but that wasn't enough so she bailed on the guy just because she didn't want to rip his clothes off when she looked at him. Instead, she is choosing to prioritize looks and chemistry above finding a decent loyal partner, and her priorities lead her back to a guy with a proven track record of infidelity...towards her! 

She is picking the cheating guy over her 2nd husband that was good to her. No, it probably won't end well. I just feel bad for the 2nd husband that did everything right only to see the woman he likely loved go back to a cheater. What lesson does that teach him?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Enigma32 said:


> I just feel bad for the 2nd husband that did everything right only to see the woman he likely loved go back to a cheater.


Yeah. I dunno it’s hard to evaluate without having seen it.

I’d like to think I could tell if someone was “settling” for a pocketbook with little passion.

I think for some number of these guys they ignore the indicators because they’re happy to have the attention of a woman at all or she’s physically out of their league looks wise. 

As we read about here time and time again with few exceptions safe and boring is just that, boring.

The advice men are given here over and over is to grab manosphere reading that will hopefully propel them into the less safe and less boring space and also improve their overall looks.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

He cheated on you and then married that woman?

Strong pass, for me. 

Is he had been truly remorseful about his cheating that ruined his marriage he would have cut contact with the woman he was cheating with. Instead, he chose to marry her.

Nope.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

jonty30 said:


> Women keep telling me that this is not true.
> women love opportunistically (therationalmale.com)


I hate to burst your bubble, but it's NOT only women.

I offered myself ANY time and in ANY way sexually to my STBX, and he always rejected me. ALWAYS. I would listen to him about what he wanted, and then when I would try to offer that to him, he would change his mind and coldly laugh at my attempts to please him, and tell me he didn't want anything sexual from me unless HE thought of it and asked me for it.

He would LIE to me about masturbating to porn, and tell me that he couldn't get hard because I just wasn't turning him on, and he would WALK OUT during my attempts to be "perfect" for him sexually (by doing everything exactly the way he told me to), because he was bored or I "did something wrong" (which was terrifying). Then he would go sneak away and get off with his hand to porn again. 

When I would try to say, "but you are being mean", or "why don't you want ME"...he would get angry that I was questioning him, and he would yell at me and stomp away and then not speak to me for hours (even when I would apologize). Which was also very hurtful to me, because I just wanted to make him happy and have him care about me. But the only way for me to do that was to become invisible, so he didn't have to SEE me or consider me.

I did everything "right", and he still rejected me and took advantage of me and my feelings for him.

So pardon me if I think you trying to say that it's only WOMEN who treat their loving partners that way is absolute bull$hit.


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## suburbanmom (May 28, 2018)

What Lisa said. Some *people* (female or male) are drama-seeking/tail-chasing/etc. Other *people* are not. In this case, it sounds like maybe the OP and her ex are a good match.


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

Thanks for all the responses while I was asleep! I have to clarify the timeline. I didn't leave my 2nd husband in order to get back together with the 1st one. I've been divorced from my 2nd husband for over over 18 months now. This thing with my 1st husband has only been going on for a few months.

I divorced my 2nd husband because something major was missing and I couldn't ignore it any longer. There was no intention of returning to my 1st husband at the time, plus he was still married.

I loved my 2nd husband, but it wasn't a passionate, romantic love. It ended up being more of a familial sort of love or a good friendship. I wasn't trying to take advantage of him when I married him. He loved me, he treated my son well, I liked him and enjoyed spending time with him, he was a good person and it seemed to be a no-brainer at the time. I did feel excited and happy to have somebody who cared about me in that way and although it wasn't a head over heels feeling of being in love, I thought I was in love in a different way. He's not ugly, but I've never had a strong physical attraction to him. I tried to be attracted to him in that way. I didn't treat him cruely in the way that LisaDiane describes. That sounds really miserable, LisaDiane, and I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I think I was a good wife to him. I tried very hard. I spent a lot of time telling myself that I could become more attracted to him or that I could live without that sort of feeling or connection because of everything else that was good about him. We had sex 1-3 times a week and I wasn't berating him about not getting it right or not being able to please me. Unfortunately, the truth is that he couldn't please me sexually and he tried. It's not as if he had a sexual dysfunction or was bad at it. He just couldn't arouse me at all because that attraction wasn't there. I never felt any sexual desire for him. I thought I did sometimes, but I think it was just sexual desire/frustration in general and he just so happened to be the person who was there. I eventually came to accept that this wasn't something I could force and that I was never going to magically become sexually attracted to him. Sex is not my main concern in life, but I would like to be in a relationship with somebody I feel a romantic love for and do have sexual/physical chemistry with. I didn't think it was fair to either of us to continue to pretend any longer. Once I realized all of this, I knew it wasn't fair to him to continue the marriage. He offered to go to counseling, but I told him I didn't think this was anything we could work on. I don't want to be in a relationship where you have to force those things, if that's even possible. Personally, I think things like chemistry, sexual compatibility, and physical attraction cannot be learned through marriage counseling. It's either there or it's not.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why did his marriage end?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

bdivita said:


> Thanks for all the responses while I was asleep! I have to clarify the timeline. I didn't leave my 2nd husband in order to get back together with the 1st one. I've been divorced from my 2nd husband for over over 18 months now. This thing with my 1st husband has only been going on for a few months.
> 
> I divorced my 2nd husband because something major was missing and I couldn't ignore it any longer. There was no intention of returning to my 1st husband at the time, plus he was still married.
> 
> I loved my 2nd husband, but it wasn't a passionate, romantic love. It ended up being more of a familial sort of love or a good friendship. I wasn't trying to take advantage of him when I married him. He loved me, he treated my son well, I liked him and enjoyed spending time with him, he was a good person and it seemed to be a no-brainer at the time. I did feel excited and happy to have somebody who cared about me in that way and although it wasn't a head over heels feeling of being in love, I thought I was in love in a different way. He's not ugly, but I've never had a strong physical attraction to him. I tried to be attracted to him in that way. I didn't treat him cruely in the way that LisaDiane describes. That sounds really miserable, LisaDiane, and I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I think I was a good wife to him. I tried very hard. I spent a lot of time telling myself that I could become more attracted to him or that I could live without that sort of feeling or connection because of everything else that was good about him. We had sex 1-3 times a week and I wasn't berating him about not getting it right or not being able to please me. Unfortunately, the truth is that he couldn't please me sexually and he tried. It's not as if he had a sexual dysfunction or was bad at it. He just couldn't arouse me at all because that attraction wasn't there. I never felt any sexual desire for him. I thought I did sometimes, but I think it was just sexual desire/frustration in general and he just so happened to be the person who was there. I eventually came to accept that this wasn't something I could force and that I was never going to magically become sexually attracted to him. Sex is not my main concern in life, but I would like to be in a relationship with somebody I feel a romantic love for and do have sexual/physical chemistry with. I didn't think it was fair to either of us to continue to pretend any longer. Once I realized all of this, I knew it wasn't fair to him to continue the marriage. He offered to go to counseling, but I told him I didn't think this was anything we could work on. I don't want to be in a relationship where you have to force those things, if that's even possible. Personally, I think things like chemistry, sexual compatibility, and physical attraction cannot be learned through marriage counseling. It's either there or it's not.


Thank you, but I want to make sure you to know that I wasn't really saying YOU behaved that way!!

I was just trying to preempt a typical line of posts about "women's nature" that isn't true in my opinion, because I've always experienced the SAME thing FROM MEN.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I have known two couples that divorced then reconnected years later. I was shocked because both divorces were ugly, lots of hurt and financial hardship. 

I kind of felt they got back together because it was comfortable, like putting on an old coat. Their divorced lives didn't live up to expectations, so they fell back on what they knew. I didn't see fresh couples living a honeymoon, suddenly they were just back to being couples again. 

Our group of friends just kind of rolled with it but there was certainly a lot of raised eyebrows. lol


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Ten years is a long time.
> 
> It sounds like you have healed and you have forgiven him.
> Do not be in any hurry to get serious with him.
> ...


Yes, it's a long time and it amazes me how in one way we feel like completely different people now than when we were married but on the other hand it is still so familiar. 

Since we share a child, it's not as if we've been completely removed from each other's lives all this time. Quite the opposite, to the annoyance of our subsequent spouses. It was never anything inappropriate, but there were times that both of our spouses got upset and said things to the effect of "But _I'm_ your husband/wife!" Yet, I thought I'd moved on. He's always held a special place in my heart but I chalked it up to him being the father of my only child and my first true love. 

Healing and forgiveness are interesting concepts. Maybe they happened by default over time as I quickly tried to move on with my life since it was the only way I could cope with what happened. I did my best to get over it and move forward. I didn't make any intentional efforts to address what happened in order to heal or to forgive him. I never let myself process it, really. That part makes me pause sometimes.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Why did his marriage end?


I suspect when he saw her 2nd marriage go belly up, he followed suit.
He showed up, single minded, all smiles in his birthday suit!


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> I suspect when he saw her 2nd marriage go belly up, he followed suit.
> He showed up, single minded, all smiles in his birthday suit!


You aren't too far off, but I don't think it had to do with wanting to be with me.

His divorce was finalized about 5-6 months after mine. He said I inspired him to do it. He claims he never wanted to marry her, but felt obligated after blowing up our marriage with their relationship and eventually getting her pregnant after I left him. He felt like he had to make it into something legitimate. I wasn't shocked since I never could figure out what they had in common. I was more surprised that their marriage lasted as long as it did in the first place. I actually felt bad for her and I told him not to involve me in his reasoning for pulling the plug. He insisted it had nothing to do with me, other than helping him to realize that it was okay to divorce simply because you weren't happy with your spouse. He said it was as simple as realizing he didn't want to be married to her anymore and he rather divorce her then cheat on her, which he confessed to me that he had come close to doing but had sworn to himself that he would never do to a woman again.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

bdivita said:


> You aren't too far off, but I don't think it had to do with wanting to be with me.
> 
> His divorce was finalized about 5-6 months after mine. He said I inspired him to do it. He claims he never wanted to marry her, but felt obligated after blowing up our marriage with their relationship and eventually getting her pregnant after I left him. He felt like he had to make it into something legitimate. I wasn't shocked since I never could figure out what they had in common. I was more surprised that their marriage lasted as long as it did in the first place. I actually felt bad for her and I told him not to involve me in his reasoning for pulling the plug. He insisted it had nothing to do with me, other than helping him to realize that it was okay to divorce simply because you weren't happy with your spouse. He said it was as simple as realizing he didn't want to be married to her anymore and he rather divorce her then cheat on her, which he confessed to me that he had come close to doing but *(He) had sworn to himself that he would never do to a woman again.*


*(He) had sworn to himself that he would never do (that) to a woman again.*

Yeah, right.

He is a butterfly.


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> He is a butterfly.


What do you mean?


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

I guess to answer the questions about whether or not I believe he'd cheat again, I can't say for sure. I take his statement about never cheating on his 2nd wife along with his claims that he never cheated on me before he was with her with a grain of salt. It's easier to believe that he didn't cheat on her than it is to believe that she was the only woman he cheated on me with. I moved so quickly to divorce him that we didn't have those conversations. I use to wonder, naturally, but I wouldn't let myself wonder too long. Once we were divorced I didn't spend much time questioning if he was still cheating with other people because he wasn't my problem anymore. 

The part of me that refuses to be made to feel like a fool again is going into this with the idea that he can never be fully trusted, no matter what. I'm not naive like I was when we were married and I was in my 20s. I feel like I know him better now than I did back then and have a more accurate understanding of who I'm in a relationship with.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

bdivita said:


> What do you mean?


He's not content to stay in one place.


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Why does he say he cheated on you? What kind of conversations do you have about the affair? Has he cheated before or after the affair that ended your marriage? I would say that if you’re going to try to date him again and possibly end up back together you owe it to your kids (how many other kids are in the mix now?) to go about this with your head screwed on tightly. Logically speaking, how do you know he won’t cheat on you again? What’s different about him now? What’s the same? How long have you been dating him?
> 
> I know this is a lot of questions but I would say you need to answer them to yourself before you figure out if it’s safe to move forward. Don’t act on hormones, act on logic and reason. At least wait until the hormones die down before you start making lasting decisions.


I have to confess that I read some of your story and a more recent update when I was a lurker here. My heart goes out to you and your kids. 

Back when I first discovered his affair I didn't give him a chance to try to explain or give excuses. I wouldn't listen to him. I gave him the ultimate cold shoulder. I was as cold as I could be and I took him for everything that I could in the divorce too. I was a witch the first year. That was the only way I could find to do it. I knew if I let him talk to me that I would have probably let him convince me to give him another chance. It wasn't until years later, but well before current events, that we talked about it some. He basically said that he was cocky, arrogant, full of himself, stupid, and thought he could just enjoy the best of both worlds. I was at home in ultimate mommy mode at that point and here comes this hot young girl with big boobs and skimpy clothes and he thought with his penis. He said it was a horrible mistake that he regretted constantly, but he told me that when he was still married to her and I didn't think that was appropriate to be telling me so the conversation pretty much ended there. By that point this woman had become like this annoying younger sister that part of me actually cared about or maybe felt sorry for. 

There are 2 children involved. We share a 15 year old, my only child. He has an 8 year old with the 2nd wife. I know the younger one pretty well. He's even stayed over here at my house when they've gone on couples vacations alone for the week. It's not only my own son I'm concerned about. The kids are my biggest concern here. They don't know about anything going on right now, but it's getting harder to hide it since it's not like it's some stranger I'm with. I would love to be able to spend time together as a family during the holidays but we will probably have to do it covertly as if there is nothing going on between us. My son says he doesn't really remember much from before our divorce. He mainly only knows us being divorced but getting along well enough and that being his normal. I'm not sure how he'd feel about us being together again, probably grossed out. I'm scared that he might be happy about it and we'd give him false hope and have everything fall apart. This time he's old enough to remember anything that happens and to maybe be more affected by it.

I never thought I'd be calling my ex to tell him that our kid went over to a friend's house tonight so the coast is clear for him to come over. It feels like sneaking around from your parents as a teenager and I don't say that fondly. How would you tell your kids something like this? 

My ex, I don't really know what exactly to call him right now, is of the mindset that he's almost 50 years old and he can do what he wants and he doesn't care what any of our friends and family think about it. For reference, he's 47 and I'm 41. I'm not ready to announce it to the world yet. I don't even feel like I know exactly what we're doing or where this is going. He doesn't understand that I'm going to get more judgment than him. Everyone knows that he cheated on me because I made sure to tell everyone. They'll all think I'm a fool and possibly even judge me for what they may view as taking advantage of my second husband. Who is going to believe that we both just so happened to get divorced within 6 months of each other and are together now and nothing sneaky was going on before the divorces?


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> He's not content to stay in one place.


Ah, ok. Thank you. Yeah, maybe this is true. I think he's matured somewhat and learned a few lessons, but he's not completely changed his stripes.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

bdivita said:


> ... Who is going to believe that we both just so happened to get divorced within 6 months of each other and are together now and nothing sneaky was going on before the divorces? ...


Yes, who would believe that?

Do you even believe that?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Is it possible that he bruised your ego by cheating with a younger woman and now you’re getting some of your self esteem back by getting him back? This kind of sounds like you have a lot of unresolved feelings about him. I worry when all this is over you’re going to be more broken-hearted than you were the first time.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There can be any other explanation for your actions, there can't.

You still love the man, warts and all. You have always loved him.

He made a mess of his life and a mess of yours.

He broke apart your first marriage, and he had a strong part in the breakup of your second.
I know you have denied this.

Ex #1 broke your heart, and you broke your 2nd husbands heart.

I see two selfish people, ah, yes, he is a serial Cad.

Yes, you were initially confused, and yet ended up being cruel yourself to the 2nd man you married. 

And you brought another child into the world with man #2.

My answer?

Marry #1 again and do no more harm.
Say, twenty _"Hail Marys"_, and sin no more.
Amen.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Jonty is talking about something unrelated to your post. My four-word post was removed... S/t to do w/ evolutionary psychology/behavior. Regardless - no big deal.....



LisaDiane said:


> I offered myself ANY time and in ANY way sexually to my STBX, and he always rejected me. ALWAYS. I would listen to him about what he wanted, and then when I would try to offer that to him, he would change his mind and coldly laugh at my attempts to please him, and tell me he didn't want anything sexual from me unless HE thought of it and asked me for it.


 Looking back, I guess you wished you had walked 10/15 years earlier. Probably hung in there due to the old world beliefs. Honestly, I don't think you were the problem. I think your boy had some major hangups and he attempted to transfer his problems to you. Surprised you didn't cheat on him. It wouldn't have been hard at all. Bet he would have cried like a baby if he found out. Women in this modern world don't put up w/ this sh+t.



LisaDiane said:


> I was questioning him, and he would *yell at me and stomp away and then not speak to me for hours* (even when I would apologize). Which was also very hurtful to me, because I just wanted to make him happy and have him care about me. But the only way for me to do that was to become invisible, so he didn't have to SEE me or consider me.


This is a dude w/ serious hangups.... It's really common with guys in this (our) generation. You're not even aware of it so you blame yourself. I can't even begin to tell you how many guys are fked up in the head re sex.

What was it like dating him before marriage? What's he doing today?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

bdivita said:


> I have to confess that I read some of your story and a more recent update when I was a lurker here. My heart goes out to you and your kids.
> 
> Back when I first discovered his affair I didn't give him a chance to try to explain or give excuses. I wouldn't listen to him. I gave him the ultimate cold shoulder. I was as cold as I could be and I took him for everything that I could in the divorce too. I was a witch the first year. That was the only way I could find to do it. I knew if I let him talk to me that I would have probably let him convince me to give him another chance. It wasn't until years later, but well before current events, that we talked about it some. He basically said that he was ****y, arrogant, full of himself, stupid, and thought he could just enjoy the best of both worlds. I was at home in ultimate mommy mode at that point and here comes this hot young girl with big boobs and skimpy clothes and he thought with his penis. He said it was a horrible mistake that he regretted constantly, but he told me that when he was still married to her and I didn't think that was appropriate to be telling me so the conversation pretty much ended there. By that point this woman had become like this annoying younger sister that part of me actually cared about or maybe felt sorry for.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I appreciate your empathy, it’s definitely not an easy thing to navigate. Now if he had left me for the other person (though she wasn’t young, hot or unattached as in your case), I don’t know how I could have gotten through that quite honestly so kudos that you eventually made the best of it. I think you really were entitled to do everything you did in the first year, especially since he decided to marry the OW and have a kid with her. You ended up being friendly and even included their kid in your life, so that speaks highly of you in my opinion. 

You’re in a rough spot here. Most people say if you’re going to reconcile, do it after you’re divorced and you can go from there. Well… you have a divorce, 10 years and other kids (and marriages) now . There are some things here that I think really need attention though… have you both had enough time to live as single people? It seems he maybe more than you has gone from one thing to another with no time on his own. Another thing is, do you feel that he can be trusted if some other hot, young, big boobed gal starts sniffing around him a year, two years, 5 years from now? That’s what would give me nightmares. 

Regardless, I think you’re right. It would be unfair to your kids to even let them get a hint of this unless it gets really serious. As for the blowback from every person in your life that loves and cares for you, that will be something you’ll have to sacrifice to be with him if that’s what you want. I tried to reconcile for 3 months and I felt exactly what you’re describing. It’s not easy. Especially when it comes to family who also felt betrayal and had to witness the destruction and the aftermath. It’s definitely more complicated than just dating someone new. 

Would he be open to going to couples therapy to work through any of this?


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## GaLaxya (Sep 26, 2021)

bdivita said:


> My ex, I don't really know what exactly to call him right now, is of the mindset that he's almost 50 years old and he can do what he wants and he doesn't care what any of our friends and family think about it. For reference, he's 47 and I'm 41.


Wow... and that is not a red flag to you?

Don't you see the pattern? It is right in front of your nose!!!

When the thrill is over he will target his next victim...

He isn't a men that can settle with a woman. Once he has you for certain (again) he will put his **** into another newer and to him more exiting whole.

You dumped him. You showed this narcissist the cold shoulder. You dominated the situation. Je was just marrying the other women to regain some control over the situation. To make a fool of her and feel better about himself. he didn't care about her or felt obliged to marry her. He tried (and that is what he is actually diaclosing with his own words!) to regain control. 

He had no control over you anymore therefore he had to proof himself that he is at least in control of her. Marrying some one you don't love is manipulation.
He married her to boost his self esteem that you were demaging. Nothing else.

He was watching you like a pray during his marriage. He still had an unresolved bill with you.

Now that you got divorced he dump the other women as she wasn't a challenge to him. But you were because you showed him a cold shoulder.

Now it is time for him to get this peace of ego back that you took from him. He dominates you know by being intimate after he cheated on you.

It is also nice because you two have to sneak and hide your sex relationship. Hot! Isn't it. Lot's of adrenalin. That is the thrill a narcissist needs.

Ones you come out of the closet and everything becomes normal he will need another object to boost his ego and get his adrenalin rush.

You clearly make him feel like a king letting him back into your life.

Don't trust him.
But you seem to have traits that make it clear that you are attracted to him. It is a game of dominance that you to seem to be playing and that you to need...

As some one else already said, it seem like you are also trying to boost your bruised self esteem by taking him back. You are doing the mistake to believe that his interest in you is because you are special to him. That's why you might be prone to believe that he dis regret cheating on you.
No, he didn't. He just regreted that he got caught (he lost control.. you get it?...)...


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

bdivita said:


> His divorce was finalized about 5-6 months after mine. He said I inspired him to do it. He claims he never wanted to marry her, but felt obligated after blowing up our marriage with their relationship and eventually getting her pregnant after I left him. He felt like he had to make it into something legitimate. I wasn't shocked since I never could figure out what they had in common. I was more surprised that their marriage lasted as long as it did in the first place. I actually felt bad for her and I told him not to involve me in his reasoning for pulling the plug. He insisted it had nothing to do with me, other than helping him to realize that it was okay to divorce simply because you weren't happy with your spouse. He said it was as simple as realizing he didn't want to be married to her anymore and he rather divorce her then cheat on her, which he confessed to me that he had come close to doing but had sworn to himself that he would never do to a woman again.


I'm guessing to you this sounds like a wonderful little start to an old love story. All I'm seeing is a man who consistently thinks the grass is always greener on the other side. Not happy enough with you so he goes to her. Not happy enough with her so he goes back to you. Not enough self reflection to prevent himself from knocking up and marrying her. Not enough self reflection now to see how bad it looks to say that your exwife inspired your recent divorce to his former OW. I'm betting it's only a matter of time before he tires of you and looks for someone new.

He lacks enough insight to see where his agency is. He can say it his fault all he wants but his narrative is full of not-so-subtle finer pointing. He only made such a bad choice in marrying her because SHE got pregnant and YOU weren't around. He only divorced because YOU inspired him. He ALMOST cheated again because of how unhappy SHE made him. How convenient that he somehow had enough in common to make it work for nearly a decade and doesn't even try to bluff you about how miserable that was but as soon as you became single, suddenly he's so unhappy with her and can't bare it. Just like I'm sure he told her all about how terrible things were with you and how much better it was with her back then. Also cheating doesn't just magically happen. He didn't get one golden opportunity to fall inside of another woman when he "almost" cheated and chose not to. He likely laid some groundwork and did some emotional cheating up to the big event and backed out. Doesn't sound like he's aware of the hundreds of poor choices he would have needed to make to get to that point nor does he even attempt to own it outside of wanting credit for not completely messing up. IF he is to be believed.

When you have rose colored glasses on, all of the red flags just look like flags. Seriously, you can't find anyone else to fall in love with? You can't find any other man out there who doesn't have 2 affairs/attempted affairs under his belt who makes you giddy out of millions? The least you could do is slow the hell down and open your options back up before you decide he's the only one and get hurt again.


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Taking an ex back is like sticking a turd back up your butt.
> 
> It's one thing if young lovers separate because one of their family moved away when they were in high school or they took a job across the country right out of college or something and then their paths cross again years later.
> 
> ...


This made me laugh and I can see the truth in it.


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> When you put it like that it sounds kind of bad.
> 
> I was about ready to give this union my blessing.
> 
> You know what, if you’re both doing what makes you feel good at the moment then what’s the harm in getting together again especially if it won’t screw up your finances? How damaging would it be to you if you found out he was cheating again? If it’s an “oh well, I guess we tried” and it’s not too difficult to unravel then what do you have to lose?


This is largely how I felt at first until I really started thinking about it and our son and how he might be affected. We get along now. If it goes sour again will we still get along? If I can get along with him after what he did to me the first time around, how bad would it have to be the second time for me to not be able to move on and learn to get along with him again for our kid's sake? How much riskier is this than entering a serious relationship with another man who I don't know nearly as well? 

I can't really imagine how it would screw up my finances. He's paying child support for 2 kids and he pays alimony to his 2nd wife. He makes a good living and I assume he can afford everything that he has to pay since he determine that whatever he was going to have to pay his 2nd wife in a divorce was worth no longer being married to her. It's not like I'm rolling in cash and he's plotting to get back together with me to live off of me.


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> No one likes this statement, but it’s true. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If he cheated on you before, he will do it again. *Are you sure he’s not cheating on someone else with you?*


I don't think so.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

manowar said:


> Jonty is talking about something unrelated to your post. My four-word post was removed... S/t to do w/ evolutionary psychology/behavior. Regardless - no big deal.....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I would love to give you the opportunity to analyze him (which I've been doing for 15yrs! Lol!!), but I don't want to thread jack, and I didn't really mean to make anything about ME....I just kind of impulsively whipped off that post because it stings me sometimes to have the men on here assume that I would devalue a man because of my "female nature", when I am almost nothing like that at all...and when the two men I have loved have actually hurt ME that way.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

bdivita said:


> I don't think so.


I really worry for you. I don’t see any possibility for a happy ending for you. You’re a grownup and I’m a stranger on the internet, but I feel like you’re selling yourself short and setting yourself up for a lot of pain.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> I would love to give you the opportunity to analyze him (which I've been doing for 15yrs! Lol!!), but I don't want to thread jack, and I didn't really mean to make anything about ME....I just kind of impulsively whipped off that post because it stings me sometimes to have the men on here assume that I would devalue a man because of my "female nature", when I am almost nothing like that at all...and when the two men I have loved have actually hurt ME that way.


It’s pretty irritating to hear about “how we are” because it’s our “nature” to be pieces of crap. You and I know the truth. There is no shortage of assholes in the world and it doesn’t matter what’s between their legs.



bdivita said:


> This is largely how I felt at first until I really started thinking about it and our son and how he might be affected. We get along now. If it goes sour again will we still get along? If I can get along with him after what he did to me the first time around, how bad would it have to be the second time for me to not be able to move on and learn to get along with him again for our kid's sake? How much riskier is this than entering a serious relationship with another man who I don't know nearly as well?


Your son is 15 going on 16? How about dating the ex for a while as you have been and then when your son is closer to an adult then break the news. If it works out, good, if not… it doesn’t affect custody or co-parenting. These are things MC would be good for though…


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> It’s pretty irritating to hear about “how we are” because it’s our “nature” to be pieces of crap. You and I know the truth. There is no shortage of assholes in the world and it doesn’t matter what’s between their legs.


I wish I could like this post a million times.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> ..I just kind of impulsively whipped off




I know you did. But you were honest by letting it out. There was an energy in your post. 

You've alluded to your situation but finally came out w/ it. Maybe you should start your own thread. Up to you. Why did two guys hurt you? Perhaps you can avoid this going forward. You're entering the dating world right. There is such a thing as female nature. It's not about devaluing a man. There are very good reasons women do what they do. It is imperative that women have filters to guard against selecting a clunker. It has nothing to do w/ being nice or sweet or ladylike. It is what it is. Just like my male nature is what it is. I can't help it. It's what makes me a man. Why is this offensive to some people? I don't get it. We share a human nature that is larger than both. 

BTW your situation is not even that unusual. A couple of women have told me the exact same thing happened to them as you experienced. It's not so much female nature but rather male nature that is at issue in your situation.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> It’s pretty irritating to hear about “how we are” *because it’s our “nature” to be pieces of crap.*



No No No No...... You are reading something into it that isn't there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I just deleted a thread jack. A thread jack is a discussion between members that provide no help whatso ever to the member who started this thread. Stop the thread jacks.


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

I’m resurrecting my thread after a long time away. Truth be told I didn’t have a good response to the last several replies I received and decided to think on the constructive feedback before giving an honest response. Then things just got so hectic in my life that I forgot about posting here.

My ex husband and I are still in a relationship of sorts. I decided to slow things down and just keep it really casual. It’s not like I have a desire to find someone to settle down with and marry at this point. This will sound more negative than how I mean it, but he’s somebody to do stuff with. I don’t mean sex, although we do that too. It’s just none of that awkward, uncomfortable bs when you’re dating and meeting new people. I’m not interested in that right now. I still wasn’t comfortable announcing it to family and friends but we’ve been discovered by our son. No, he didn’t walk in on us having sex thankfully but enough to know there was something going on and I felt like we had to come clean then. So there’s not much sense in going out of our way to keep it quiet to family and friends now but I won’t be making any pointed public announcements anytime soon. It makes me feel a little sick to think about reactions from some people we know and then I think how ridiculous it is to be my age and be worried about telling me that I went out on a date with my ex husband. 

Things are being tested as far as how well we can get along when it’s not all about having fun. This was a downfall during our marriage. When things got tough we did not communicate well and my husband, especially, found his own way to deal with his problems (ie sleeping with somebody else). Our son who just turned 16 dropped a bomb on us. His girlfriend is pregnant. So now I just feel like I can add failure as a parent to my list and it’s bubbled over into some cutthroat comments back and forth between my ex husband and I. I just feel like a complete failure in every way right now. It’s actually what led me back here because I was thinking about how I wish I had an anonymous place to talk and then I remember I had posted here and never came back!


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Just take your time. Don't overthink things. Eventually, if things will work out or not let it be organically, not because of outside pressures.


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## CoastieDadz93 (11 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Taking an ex back is like sticking a turd back up your butt.
> 
> It's one thing if young lovers separate because one of their family moved away when they were in high school or they took a job across the country right out of college or something and then their paths cross again years later.
> 
> ...


This mad me laugh so hard, I cannot unseen this lol..


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## CoastieDadz93 (11 mo ago)

bdivita said:


> I’m resurrecting my thread after a long time away. Truth be told I didn’t have a good response to the last several replies I received and decided to think on the constructive feedback before giving an honest response. Then things just got so hectic in my life that I forgot about posting here.
> 
> My ex husband and I are still in a relationship of sorts. I decided to slow things down and just keep it really casual. It’s not like I have a desire to find someone to settle down with and marry at this point. This will sound more negative than how I mean it, but he’s somebody to do stuff with. I don’t mean sex, although we do that too. It’s just none of that awkward, uncomfortable bs when you’re dating and meeting new people. I’m not interested in that right now. I still wasn’t comfortable announcing it to family and friends but we’ve been discovered by our son. No, he didn’t walk in on us having sex thankfully but enough to know there was something going on and I felt like we had to come clean then. So there’s not much sense in going out of our way to keep it quiet to family and friends now but I won’t be making any pointed public announcements anytime soon. It makes me feel a little sick to think about reactions from some people we know and then I think how ridiculous it is to be my age and be worried about telling me that I went out on a date with my ex husband.
> 
> Things are being tested as far as how well we can get along when it’s not all about having fun. This was a downfall during our marriage. When things got tough we did not communicate well and my husband, especially, found his own way to deal with his problems (ie sleeping with somebody else). Our son who just turned 16 dropped a bomb on us. His girlfriend is pregnant. So now I just feel like I can add failure as a parent to my list and it’s bubbled over into some cutthroat comments back and forth between my ex husband and I. I just feel like a complete failure in every way right now. It’s actually what led me back here because I was thinking about how I wish I had an anonymous place to talk and then I remember I had posted here and never came back!


Try having a wife that cheated on you twice, first time I forgave, second time not so much and this was after 10+ years from the first and now as the song from: Kelly Clarkson "Already Gone" so be it...


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## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

bdivita said:


> Hi! I've been lurking this site for the past month or so and finally decided to jump in. I don't normally do forums or haven't in about 15 years since I was pregnant with my son so this is a little weird for me. I was Googling my situation and found a thread that brought me here.
> 
> I need somebody to tell me if what I'm doing is completely crazy. To make a long story short, my new boyfriend is my former husband. I think I'm (secretly) dating my ex-husband, the father of my child, who I divorced 10 years ago. It started off with sleeping together a few times and is evolving into a full blown relationship again. I feel stupid and silly and giddy and like I want to slap myself while on the other hand I just want to say screw it and enjoy the happy feelings it's giving me.
> 
> ...


It's terrible but if you do get back as it sounds you have then you probably should have never left. Regardless of cheating, you were wrong obviously.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Bull Frog Kisser said:


> It's terrible but if you do get back as it sounds you have then you probably should have never left. Regardless of cheating, you were wrong obviously.


WTF ????


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## CoastieDadz93 (11 mo ago)

suburbanmom said:


> What Lisa said. Some *people* (female or male) are drama-seeking/tail-chasing/etc. Other *people* are not. In this case, it sounds like maybe the OP and her ex are a good match.


So, so true 100%, that would fit my STBX bill right on, send that bill to her haha


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## CoastieDadz93 (11 mo ago)

bdivita said:


> Hi! I've been lurking this site for the past month or so and finally decided to jump in. I don't normally do forums or haven't in about 15 years since I was pregnant with my son so this is a little weird for me. I was Googling my situation and found a thread that brought me here.
> 
> I need somebody to tell me if what I'm doing is completely crazy. To make a long story short, my new boyfriend is my former husband. I think I'm (secretly) dating my ex-husband, the father of my child, who I divorced 10 years ago. It started off with sleeping together a few times and is evolving into a full blown relationship again. I feel stupid and silly and giddy and like I want to slap myself while on the other hand I just want to say screw it and enjoy the happy feelings it's giving me.
> 
> ...


Honestly, it took 10yrs and I am not sure which one of you started to want to date the other first, but you need to take a hard look in the mirror, no filter's lol and ask yourself can I live with this person for another 10-20 yrs from now with all the past problems which by that time will most likely resurface all over agian. It's why I would never despite I still have feelings for my STBX, but when I look in the mirror and ask those question's, the mirror never lies...


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## CoastieDadz93 (11 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Ten years is a long time.
> 
> It sounds like you have healed and you have forgiven him.
> Do not be in any hurry to get serious with him.
> ...


IDK it took 20+yrs for my wife to cheat on me three times and I forgave like an idiot, so 10yrs is nothing to heal on about.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

It is interesting the two camps that exist between those that would not ever take a cheater back vs those that would. Cheating is a very hot topic on TAM.

Ten years is a very long time. As a person who is in therapy, I would hope that after ten years, I would have made some serious progress. Many things change. Your life could be taking an entirely new direction, your outlook and behavior most certainly would have made adjustments.

I am in the camp that anyone can change. Yes, many don't do the work and continue the behaviors that made them divorce material. But I think a good many DO the work too. I've been seeing a therapist for over six months and I already see changes in myself. Ten years of those types of changes can't be minimized into "He or she is going to do the same thing".

She has changed too... maybe she's prepared herself mentally knowing he may have changed or maybe not, no skin in the game, so no harm should he still be the same old lout.

Go for it. That is my opinion. You have a spring in your step, you breathe a little faster, excitement like electricity is in your veins....If it's a dud, move on, but you'll never know if you don't try. Good luck.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Enigma32 said:


> She is picking the cheating guy over her 2nd husband that was good to her. No, it probably won't end well. I just feel bad for the 2nd husband that did everything right only to see the woman he likely loved go back to a cheater. What lesson does that teach him?


Agree, but if there is one thing I've learned it is that if there is zero spark, it won't go well. There is much more to being married than having everything taken care of for you. If you lack desire to have intimacy with the person or that intimacy is like milquetoast, eventually it is two people just going through the motions... and we all know what that can lead to.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

This sounds like a great idea. May want to go ahead and sign up for a lifetime subscription to TAM though.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Zombie cat is needed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"You called?"


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