# Feeling lost and lonely.. will I ever forgive him for cheating on me and our kids?



## freshstart08 (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi I'm new to this... I just found out 2 weeks ago that my husband cheated on me 12 days after our 3rd child was born with a woman he met on facebook. I am wanting to give him a 2nd and final chance and I am really hoping that some time soon I will be able to forgive and that he can rebuild my trust in him. I love him with my entire heart and soul and right now my heart is broken into a million pieces. He told me that he felt neglected and the woman made him feel loved and special and she complemented him which is something I haven't done is a long time(complemented him), I tell him I love him all the time and show him alot more now that I'm allowed to have sex and I'm not feeling like a huge whale being pregnant and in a ton of pain everytime we had sex. He has told me he is so sorry for hurting me and our kids and that he will never hurt me and the kids again and that he will go to a relationship counselor with me to fix all our issues but right now all those words feel empty. I really want to get back to what we had before he felt neglected but I am having a hard time accepting his apology and don't trust him right now... will that ever come back in me?


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Freshstart is early days and you are in a lot of pain. Many people on here will tell you to run. Don't.

Your H is showing early signs of remorse so don't throw this away. Its gonna be a long and painful journey and your H is going to have to do a lot to prove to you that he can be trusted again. But a lot of marriages do overcome cheating.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Hi Freshstart. Im really sorry that you've had to come to TAM with an issue like this.

Betrayl (because that is what it is) by the one person who you expect to protect and help safeguard you is about as low as it gets. If friends and family betray you its nothing like the one your love doing it (IMO).

At this point its not thr first occasions but as you state its a situation that "I am wanting to give him a 2nd and final chance " tells me there have been some real issue before.

To betray a woman when she is pregnant is low, really low and to claim that its because he feels neglected is just a sorry way for saying "I wanted my cake and eat it". 
Its a time when oyu both should be standing shoulder to shoulder looking forward and then back at one of the most important events any relationship can give. For you its now a dark time and one which everytime your childs birthday comes around could act as a trigger to remember what went on.

When you are in this position and the ultimate trust is broken its hard to say but the trust never heals. I say this because unless you are able to completely wipe the event from your mind it will linger there. Its one bad trait that human being have. 
However, "time" as they say "is a great healer". And it will take time for you to firstly not have this event continually popping in and out of your mind. It sarts continually and does become leass frequent. There is a chance that you will re-run this issue and question many aspects of it, You'll want answers to some very difficult questions. These may be asked many times before the responses stop having that gut wrenching reaction. Be satisfied that it is your right to decide when and if trust is allocated and to what level that trust is given. No-one elses. 
Time and open and transparent discussion between you and your H will take time to build. It will need time for you to feel secure iin his replies and actions before any trust is allocated. He need to fully understand that when it comes down to it you do want to have that trust but its HIS JOB to build it not yours. You didnt break it in the first place. You will need boundries that can and cannot be stepped over and he needs to know in no uncertain terms what they are and that the walls of he!! will fall on him if he dares to breah them. He needs to knwo that you are committed to this and that what you say isnt a threat......... Its a promise. Then you need to be strong enough to deliver that promise. Its not about being controlling. It doesnt work like that. Its about being open and honest. There will be times when you feel "safe" and life in the relationship lifts somewhere near the happiness you feel you had. Then you will experiece something that triggers the "unsafe mode" and the trust level dips. These are frequent now but do diminish as time passes. 
You are vulnerable at this time. Youve a new born to care for and all that comes with postnatal events. 
Take time to allow yourself to "trust". Dont feel guilty about this or the feelings its brings.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

hibiscus said:


> Freshstart is early days and you are in a lot of pain. Many people on here will tell you to run. Don't.
> 
> Your H is showing early signs of remorse so don't throw this away. Its gonna be a long and painful journey and your H is going to have to do a lot to prove to you that he can be trusted again. But a lot of marriages do overcome cheating.


Hibiscus is correct. Many marriages can and do overcome cheating but they do take a lot of work, effort and commitment. 

You will have to be the strongest you have ever been to cope with the overwhelming emotions and fears that you will surely face.

He will have to give his all. His body, mind and soul, in convincing you of his deep sorrow, regret and future faithfulness.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

freshstart08 said:


> Hi I'm new to this... I just found out 2 weeks ago that my husband cheated on me 12 days after our 3rd child was born with a woman he met on facebook. I am wanting to give him a 2nd and final chance and I am really hoping that some time soon I will be able to forgive and that he can rebuild my trust in him. I love him with my entire heart and soul and right now my heart is broken into a million pieces. He told me that he felt neglected and the woman made him feel loved and special and she complemented him which is something I haven't done is a long time(complemented him), I tell him I love him all the time and show him alot more now that I'm allowed to have sex and I'm not feeling like a huge whale being pregnant and in a ton of pain everytime we had sex. He has told me he is so sorry for hurting me and our kids and that he will never hurt me and the kids again and that he will go to a relationship counselor with me to fix all our issues but right now all those words feel empty. I really want to get back to what we had before he felt neglected but I am having a hard time accepting his apology and don't trust him right now... will that ever come back in me?


Because that's not an apology, that's blame shifting.. 

He's saying the affair was your fault, becuase you neglected him.. that's a steaming pile of bull dung. You didn't neglect him, you were pregnant. You were not a whale, you were pregnant.. that's beautiful, not ugly.

He's trying to deflect, *his *choice to cheat onto you. Don't let him do it. He'll try to rewrite your marital history, turn you into a demon, all sorts of tactics to avoid admitting to himself that it was his stupid choice, and his alone. 

When he talks about the problems before the affair, remind him that they pale into comparison to the new problems he created with his affair. Ask him, if you feel neglected, if you can get a boyfriend to sleep with and not tell him about it.

Sorry you are here... trust me, it will get better with time. Time is a cure for the pain...

You might find this link helpful:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...se-define-term-heavy-lifting.html#post4247394


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I agree with Russell28, his "apology" was not an apology at all and should not stand for a show of remorse. Remorse is admitting what he did is wrong (not saying his infidelity was because of your action or inaction while *PREGNANT*). He might actually feel remorse. We have no way of knowing.
He must be completely, totally, and apologetically transparent. That means he must give you all passwords for FB, email, cellphones, everything. He must write a no contact letter to the OW, and show it to you. There are links on here for forms you can follow. When you are ready, he must tell you every detail you ask for. He should go to MC, and IC.
Be aware, the couples that have tried to reconcile after infidelity have admitted that it takes months to heal from this type of betrayal, so do not rush it. 
During recovery, don't accept excuses like "Aren't you over this yet." "I feel like your punishing me." Nothing like that at all. He broke trust and must do the heavy lifting to regain it.
I am so happy for you and your new baby. I really hope your recovery is smooth. You are extremely vulnerable right now, so do things on your timetable


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Hmm I read the post too fast. "2nd and final chance". So he cheated before? Not good...what exactly happened? Was there a huge fall out from it?

I do agree that he found ridiculous excuses to cheat. He cheated because it turned him on. Nothing more nothing less. A purely selfish indulgence on his part.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has he given the OW the NC message, with you involved? Has he given you his passwords? How is he showing you that he respects you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is not your fault. Your husband must man up and accept full responsibility for his actions.

Then you might have a chance of saving your relationship together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I feel so sad for you and like everyone here I know only too well the turmoil you are in. You are among friends. There is great support and advice here. Terrific that you found TAM so early in this horrible experience. I wish I had. I would have handled D-day much differently. I am doing so now. 

DO NOT LET HIM BLAME YOU

All WS try that one. Because we are vulnerable they can easily brainwash us into thinking we had some blame. Don't even get into that discussion. He will try to again. EVERY time he does, tell him in no uncertain terms that you will NOT accept any responsibility for him sleeping with another woman. 

Parents with a young family hardly have time to be worrying about whether they are being neglected themselves. He is a grown man and a father. Your little ones are those need the attention! For goodness sake, you have a newborn as well as 2 other children. 

Perhaps he can look at his precious baby as it sleeps in its crib and resolve to make your home the best it can be. The first step is to do everything he can for your healing process. TAM has great advice on what is necessary for that. 

I wish you well Freshstart.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

freshstart08 said:


> Hi I'm new to this... I just found out 2 weeks ago that my husband cheated on me 12 days after our 3rd child was born with a woman he met on facebook. I am wanting to give him a 2nd and final chance and I am really hoping that some time soon I will be able to forgive and that he can rebuild my trust in him. I love him with my entire heart and soul and right now my heart is broken into a million pieces. He told me that he felt neglected and the woman made him feel loved and special and she complemented him which is something I haven't done is a long time(complemented him), I tell him I love him all the time and show him alot more now that I'm allowed to have sex and I'm not feeling like a huge whale being pregnant and in a ton of pain everytime we had sex. He has told me he is so sorry for hurting me and our kids and that he will never hurt me and the kids again and that he will go to a relationship counselor with me to fix all our issues but right now all those words feel empty. I really want to get back to what we had before he felt neglected but I am having a hard time accepting his apology and don't trust him right now... will that ever come back in me?


You are having trouble accepting his apology because it was not one and is not sincere.

When he takes full, 100% blame for what he did and that you had nothing to do with him doing this, then and only then, and this is also a maybe, maybe you can accept his apology.

I dod believe your struggle here is that your gut is telling you that he really did not apologize.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I say get out now. I can't imagine ever getting over the betrayal at a time when he should have been putting his arms around you and your children. When he should have been a real man, protecting his wife from harm. Antone that betrays at a time when you need them the most is inherently selfish and immature.

And now, every time he demonstrates selfish or immature behavior you'll be pulled right back to the moment he cheated on you . 

not to mention he didn't just "meet" someone on facebook. he cultivated a relationship with that person. all this while you were carrying his baby .

please lean on your family and friends for support and don't be afraid 2 share exactly what you're going through . if you keep it a secret and protect him you'll only hurt yourself more .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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