# How did you discover A or tell your LS?



## SurprisedinME (Jan 7, 2011)

I'm new to this "club", and I am curious. Most people, it seems, discover the A somehow. Then they confront their DS.

Does anyone come out to their LS with the truth? Have any of you DS outed yourself to your LS? Any of you LS have your DS just come and tell you about the A?

Mine told me, I didn't find out on my own, and I think that is making a difference in how I deal with this...is anyone in the same position?


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

You will find many people here whose disloyals revealed their affair, mostly to clear their conscience. I believe that it's way easier to deal & heal if the wife comes clean without the LS finding out. You are lucky in that regard.

My wife didn't come clean about her 11 month EA turned one time PA. I had a hunch, confronted her and after lots of prodding, she revealed it. She later revealed 2 additional physical "indescretions" by trickle truth. "We only kissed." Later to become "He also went up my shirt"! Who the F knows what really happened! The other one was "we only kissed", followed by "we tried to do it but it wouldn't go in", followed by "it went in but not in & out and we stopped immediately". I also still believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy!


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

I found out from a neighbor via text, while I work. Thankfully I work at a great place and they let me leave to deal with it. I guess everyone but myself in the building new about, hell......my 18 year old daughter kind of knew. It is a lot harder to find out my way then if should have told me.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> I believe that it's way easier to deal & heal if the wife comes clean without the LS finding out. You are lucky in that regard.


That's what I believe too. The denials, lies, and labeling the LS (weak, insecure, ...) is much worse than coming up clean and apologizing. At least that's what they show in the movies too ;->

M.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I pushed the subject matter one night of what is going on with you to my W. I said you are treating me like I had an affair. After a while of why are you acting so distant and so on and several versions of me stating the A comment that she was treating me that way like i did it.... she just blurted out I had an affair ......I was 100% blindsided. Then the Alien possessed her.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I found an e-mail from him to her on new years saying he was sorry for his mistake and hoped they could be friends. 

I confronted him 30 seconds later. I handled it in the worst way possible. I have never felt such rage in my life. 

A big part of our whole marital problems was that he hardly ever felt free to come to me with his problems. He was deployed, he got sick, I know he got depressed and he wanted to make a connection. We actually made huge strides at the end of the deployment and I really believed life was turning around for us and we were growing together. If he had come to me, trusted me with his pain and guilt I know with all my heart my response would of been different. There would of been anger and hurt in me of course but I would of felt like we were truly improving.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
It's tough any way you find out, I found out from my husband's OW's husband, he had been watching his wife and discovered she was having an affair with my husband.
It's hard to believe and understand and when the spouse isn't honest himself/herself it makes it much worse.........
I think it helps a little with future trust building.........I think if my husband was honest I could believe him a little more now, still have a lot of doubt, when you know they can made decisions that don't have your best interests at heart.........it's tough to trust them.........
You are one of the lucky ones..........


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Jessi -- looks like we do have some similarities. I found out from the OW's husband too. Granted, I didn't know him, so I showed my H the facebook message from him and my H denied it all. Told me she was covering for who she really DID cheat on him with. Uh huh. I actually believed him. For a few days.

Then about 30 minutes before his suprise bday party, he came clean and told me about it. ( It had ended 18 months before I found out, took the OW's h that long to find me poor guy). Ten minutes after I found out, people showed up for the party. It was Halloween too, so I still had to take my kids trick or treating. I think shock pulled me through the night, the last guest left at 3am. I lit the candles on his birthday cake that night. I made dinner, I bought him a keg full of his favorite beer, I spent weeks folding streamers that I had hung across the house. When the last guest left he startled BAWLING that I had to go through all that. He insists that I could have just told everyone not to come. How? They got there ten minutes after I found out! LOL. It was horrible, terribly hard to do. I went to bed a bawled and he slept on the couch and bawled. The next morning when I got up I sat down to make a list of what we needed to do so we could divorce and he cried some more. 

Luckily from this site, I learned that if I do give him another chance, it could be worth it. And I think the people here were right.....


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## SurprisedinME (Jan 7, 2011)

Wow, thank you all for sharing your stories. I will go back and comment...I just need to get this out.

I am a W, and it was my H who told me. Three months earlier he told me he wanted a D and moved out of our bedroom. I was devastated. We had a horrible year of struggling (major blow up, then MC which didn't work, now I know why) and after honestly considering divorce for a year, I had finally made the decision to stay married. We had a few turning points where I could see he still cared about me and was doing thoughtful things for me, and we had a conversation in which I was very open and honest and the true me, and shortly after that he told me he was done. So, all my worse fears confirmed. I trusted and was rejected, that's how it felt to me.

It took a few days, maybe a week, but I finally pulled myself together. I went back to church, I sought support from my friends, I asked people to pray for me. I found the Divorce Busters book, and started telephone coaching. I made a list of what I wanted from my marriage and life and what I knew he wanted me to change. I worked on those things. I did the 180 and focused on me and my issues. I set priorities, something I'd never truly done. I later found the Mort Fertel program and started that.

It was three months of hell. He agreed no papers until January, so I felt like I had time but a deadline. He had said he wanted transparency some months before, so I started printing out my cell records and leaving them, leaving him all my passwords to everything. I just did it. He'd accused me of having an EA and PA a year before and I couldn't understand why all the focus was on me. BUT I looked at every male interaction I'd had and reset all boundaries in my life. He'd also accused me of EA with my female friends...not that he thought I was gay but that I was overboard with my friends. I looked at all those friendships, too. I reset those boundaries. I had a lot of talks.

A few friends thought I was crazy but they supported me. I had times of peace and calm and times of panic and despair. but the entire time, in fact the entire year before, I KNEW something else was wrong. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I said it again and again, I asked him time and time again. Just tell me, I pleaded. It's not a deal breaker, just tell me the truth. He copped to a one night stand years before but nothing else. (We have been married 11, together 14, 1 child). 

Then one night he came into my room and woke me up. Said, I have to tell you something. And then the story started. 

That was almost 8 weeks ago.


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## SurprisedinME (Jan 7, 2011)

Workingitout said:


> You will find many people here whose disloyals revealed their affair, mostly to clear their conscience. I believe that it's way easier to deal & heal if the wife comes clean without the LS finding out. You are lucky in that regard.
> 
> My wife didn't come clean about her 11 month EA turned one time PA. I had a hunch, confronted her and after lots of prodding, she revealed it. She later revealed 2 additional physical "indescretions" by trickle truth. "We only kissed." Later to become "He also went up my shirt"! Who the F knows what really happened! The other one was "we only kissed", followed by "we tried to do it but it wouldn't go in", followed by "it went in but not in & out and we stopped immediately". I also still believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy!


I think maybe I am "lucky"...but I hate playing that game, you know? The who has it worse...I don't want to win! :lol:

As for your experience...oh my, I am so sorry. I know that trickle truth! I once said, "I also don't believe you are a pink unicorn, so stop the BS and just tell me the TRUTH." :rofl:

I look at the trickle truth like a child lying. That's the only way I can understand it. It's really made me think about what kind of people I want in my lives - adults who act like adults and tell the WHOLE truth. And who I want to be - I want to be less judgmental, so that the people in my life feel comfortable telling me their truth. I know that was a problem, and my H saw me like that. Part of that was him, part of that was me. 

At the same time, I have higher standards and boundaries now. There are things I will not accept in my life. I have a friend who is in an EA, for almost two years, and I had to cut off contact with her. I just couldn't be party to that anymore. I told her my opinion, and she refused to listen to me. Now she might have cut off the OM since we have spoken, but every time I see her FB posts on how awesome her H is, I want to post "then why are you fing around with an old BF?" 



Bigwayneo said:


> I found out from a neighbor via text, while I work. Thankfully I work at a great place and they let me leave to deal with it. I guess everyone but myself in the building new about, hell......my 18 year old daughter kind of knew. It is a lot harder to find out my way then if should have told me.


That's an awful way to find out. Although there is no "good" way, right? I'm so glad your work is so understanding. I love my office and my boss. I didn't tell her why I was in freak out mode, but she knew something was up and was very understanding. I did tell a coworker who covered for me, and I was very honest with my boss that there was a personal issue and that my coworker covered for me.



moeman said:


> That's what I believe too. The denials, lies, and labeling the LS (weak, insecure, ...) is much worse than coming up clean and apologizing. At least that's what they show in the movies too ;->
> M.


Ha! The movie part made me smile! 

He treated me badly for a year before, then awfully for three solid months, then he told me...so while it was a relief to know, I was really shocked by how he had treated me in that time, and why.



disbelief said:


> I pushed the subject matter one night of what is going on with you to my W. I said you are treating me like I had an affair. After a while of why are you acting so distant and so on and several versions of me stating the A comment that she was treating me that way like i did it.... she just blurted out I had an affair ......I was 100% blindsided. Then the Alien possessed her.


YES!!! Exactly, it was as if I'd done the wrong thing. Now, I did lots of wrong things, but it was very clear that he was snooping around on me, defaming me to my friends, oh I could go on. All women over 40 said, honey, he is cheating, that's why he's all over you, accusing you.

But just wow, she just blurted it out one day?


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## SurprisedinME (Jan 7, 2011)

RWB said:


> Suspected for years, even followed her a few times, finally just asked if it was true. Nothing, just hard cold lies. Stared my right in the face with no emotion and lied.
> 
> In retrospect, she really wasn't that sneaky. If I had checked the phone records or "monitored" her email once in a while. Damn was I trusting and dumb.
> 
> ...


Oh, I am so sorry for what you have been through. Are you working it out, or are you two done? Your daughter is indeed smart. How is she dealing with her mom now?

I agree, I saw signs but dismissed them all. I never pried into now obvious things. Trips alone! Never checked emails, phone records, nothing. The very first thing a good friend asked me was, how did you miss it? And I know, I didn't want to see it.



Idontknownow said:


> I found an e-mail from him to her on new years saying he was sorry for his mistake and hoped they could be friends.
> 
> I confronted him 30 seconds later. I handled it in the worst way possible. I have never felt such rage in my life.
> 
> A big part of our whole marital problems was that he hardly ever felt free to come to me with his problems. He was deployed, he got sick, I know he got depressed and he wanted to make a connection. We actually made huge strides at the end of the deployment and I really believed life was turning around for us and we were growing together. If he had come to me, trusted me with his pain and guilt I know with all my heart my response would of been different. There would of been anger and hurt in me of course but I would of felt like we were truly improving.


That was a big part of our problems, too. I totally understand that. I felt like things were turning around until I got the "I'm not in love with you" talk, which now I know was based on the OW leaving her H and wanting to be with mine, and his agreement to do the same. Crazy!

Did your DS understand that they couldn't be friends? How did you find the email?




jessi said:


> Hi there,
> It's tough any way you find out, I found out from my husband's OW's husband, he had been watching his wife and discovered she was having an affair with my husband.
> It's hard to believe and understand and when the spouse isn't honest himself/herself it makes it much worse.........
> I think it helps a little with future trust building.........I think if my husband was honest I could believe him a little more now, still have a lot of doubt, when you know they can made decisions that don't have your best interests at heart.........it's tough to trust them.........
> You are one of the lucky ones..........


It's definitely tough to trust. So you are working things out? How did the OW's H find you? The OW H knew in my situation, too, but didn't know me...we had no connection at all. 



DawnD said:


> Jessi -- looks like we do have some similarities. I found out from the OW's husband too. Granted, I didn't know him, so I showed my H the facebook message from him and my H denied it all. Told me she was covering for who she really DID cheat on him with. Uh huh. I actually believed him. For a few days.
> 
> Then about 30 minutes before his suprise bday party, he came clean and told me about it. ( It had ended 18 months before I found out, took the OW's h that long to find me poor guy). Ten minutes after I found out, people showed up for the party. It was Halloween too, so I still had to take my kids trick or treating. I think shock pulled me through the night, the last guest left at 3am. I lit the candles on his birthday cake that night. I made dinner, I bought him a keg full of his favorite beer, I spent weeks folding streamers that I had hung across the house. When the last guest left he startled BAWLING that I had to go through all that. He insists that I could have just told everyone not to come. How? They got there ten minutes after I found out! LOL. It was horrible, terribly hard to do. I went to bed a bawled and he slept on the couch and bawled. The next morning when I got up I sat down to make a list of what we needed to do so we could divorce and he cried some more.
> 
> Luckily from this site, I learned that if I do give him another chance, it could be worth it. And I think the people here were right.....


Oh my goodness. Just wow. First, 18 months to find you! Why did he try for that long? Interesting. Second, the party. Seriously, I would have done the same thing...but maybe not through the whole event! I might have outed him to his friends! I am amazed by you.

So you are moving forward, together? Also, in those 18 months of no contact, did he seem different? Like he was closer to you, or something? Just so many questions there.

Again, thank all of you for sharing. I appreciate it. I feel like I am the only one sometimes.


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

That was a big part of our problems, too. I totally understand that. I felt like things were turning around until I got the "I'm not in love with you" talk, which now I know was based on the OW leaving her H and wanting to be with mine, and his agreement to do the same. Crazy!

Did your DS understand that they couldn't be friends? How did you find the email?

Yes, he cut ties and wrote a no contact letter as soon as I found out. He got us booked for counseling the next day. He believed I was going to leave HIM. 

The situation was complicated by him being deployed for 7 months on a ship (where he met OW). The EA lasted 2 weeks right in the middle of the deployment during a time he was sick and I believe got depressed. 

He's a strong man, always trying to deal things on his own and I have never felt I was able to be there for him.

Honestly he came back from this deployment a completely 200% unproved person. More dedicated and open with our children, more openly loving toward them, more concerned with my needs and wanting to express his so I could meet them. I thought things were groovy.

We had a New Years Eve party at our house and after everyone had left I went to turn off all the lights and electronics. I saw his laptop sitting open. During the deployment there was a time he detached, an affair was always in the back of my mind. I just opened his e-mail account and there were a few e-mails that eluded to something more then a friend ship. He never hides his phone, I have always had all his passwords except his work password on the ship which I couldn't access anyway cuz obviously my civilian computer isn't on the network.


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## SurprisedinME (Jan 7, 2011)

RWB said:


> SinM,
> I hope his one-time admission is the beginning and end of the story. But, it seems that is rarely the case with cheaters. Don't be fooled like me. Until the truth is known, it makes it tough to overcome the damage of infidelity to a marriage.


Good point, RWB. Well, it was only the beginning, really. Who knows where the end is? There was the one night stand admission in July, the asking for a divorce in Sept, then the admission in early Dec. It's been almost 8 weeks since admitting the A, a lot has come out since then. It was a long A. Almost 2 years. Serious, too. And OW was very...um...attacking to me. Pissed that he told me. She'd been caught twice by her H. She was very upset that my H told me, and wanted to end the A. She saw no reason to do either, since chances are I'd never know. And if I did know, so much the better. Come out in the open! (Her H couldn't find me, for a variety of reasons, and she knew it.) 

It was a level of crazy I'd not seen before, the lot of them.

How do any of us really know if we really know it all?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

> Oh my goodness. Just wow. First, 18 months to find you! Why did he try for that long? Interesting. Second, the party. Seriously, I would have done the same thing...but maybe not through the whole event! I might have outed him to his friends! I am amazed by you.
> 
> So you are moving forward, together? Also, in those 18 months of no contact, did he seem different? Like he was closer to you, or something? Just so many questions there.
> 
> Again, thank all of you for sharing. I appreciate it. I feel like I am the only one sometimes.


 I would love to say it was out of caring, but it was more a revenge thing for him. After he found me and told me, he continually messaged my H to take out some anger on him. At first I said nothing, but then I responded by asking him if he would like me to message his wife with a barrage of names that I have thought up, and he stopped.

I didn't out him at the party, my children and my friends children were there. It wasn't the place or the time. Honestly, I didn't want to put our friends all in that awkward position. I did request that he tell his two closest friends, and I told my two closest friends as well. They were all actually quite helpful, and his friends spent the night of the party protecting ME. Drove him nuts LOL. 

We are working it out together. We have come a very long way, and I am glad that I stayed and gave him this chance. The 18 months that I didn't know about his affair, he was an absolute monster. He screamed about everything, he blamed me for everything, etc, etc. It was basically his guilt eating him alive. That is why I am a fan of DS telling the LS the truth. Because when you can't handle the weight of your lies, you take it out on the LS. 

His actual affair was about 3 months long, and it was already over for 18 months by the time I found out, so I didn't have to use Exposure and I didn't have to fight to get him back from the OW. They were both done with each other after 3 cheap lays and a whole lotta lies. 

The only thing that kinda took the pain of it all away at first, was when they both found out the truth about the other. How her H really was a great guy, but was planning on retiring and she didn't like the pay cut. She was hunting for someone who could support her lifestyle. My H was livid. But then I reminded him that she now knew all of his truth as well. And he was so embarrassed that he was found out to be this big a**hole. But nowadays, he is glad that I did that. I didn't want there being any misunderstandings about who was what. He found out quickly that I wasn't the "evil wife". He also found out he has PTSD. Thats actually our hardest thing right now.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I found out on my birthday. I went on his email account and found pics of a woman's private area.a few weeks before he had started making comments that it isn't one big thing that destroys a marraige but the little things add up. Between the comments and the pic which I knew came from an ex student of his,I got suspicious.

I looked at our phone bill and he called her all the time. The first time I had ever left our kids in his care because he never could ddeal with them,I went to training for my daughter's Brownie troop to become a leader. He was supposed to spend the day with his kids and he talked six out of eigght hours to her on the phone..I was devastated.

We were supposed to go out to dinner and had a babysitter coming over an our after he was to return from work. So I took the phone number and when he came home I put the kids in the playroom and calmly asked him if he knew the number. He denied it, so I said well, let's call it! Then he knew I knew. I also called the OW and asked her if she was having an affair with my hubby and had she slept with him. She did not answer right away, but called me later insisting that they were just friends.

I think it would have been easier had he told me. It was an EA headed to physical. For years and even to this day, I do not believe him. The film that runs in my head, is so much worse than probably what happened. He also lied and then would admit things. That made it worse than if he would have just confessed. I could have grieved and gotten over it. Now there are just years of resentment and doubt. Trusting is hard. I have worked through it because we have two kids,but if we had not, I know I would not have stayed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

tamara24 said:


> He also lied and then would admit things. That made it worse than if he would have just confessed. I could have grieved and gotten over it. Now there are just years of resentment and doubt. Trusting is hard. I have worked through it because we have two kids,but if we had not, I know I would not have stayed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I so completely agree with this.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I found out on my own. I had a gut feeling for a long time , and he showed signs of having an affair. He still won`t admit it was an A cause he says they never touched. I sometimes find that hard to believe since most of their calls were only 1 and 2 minutes. I think that they met up alot. He said they talked to support each other. Kind in mind the OW is H`s brothers wife. 


I hacked into her cell records and found them talking morning right when he left for work. lunch, after work before bed and in between times. He still says there is a connection there but he knew he could not act on it. 

****ty thing is last night OW daughters oded on something and she called me to go up there to the hospital and I couldn`t even look at her. H went to and he was always walking away with her to talk , it took everything in my power not to kick her BUTT


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

Jaded Heart said:


> ****ty thing is last night OW daughters oded on something and she called me to go up there to the hospital and I couldn`t even look at her. H went to and he was always walking away with her to talk , it took everything in my power not to kick her BUTT


Are you kidding me? He wasn't stuck to you like glue scared out of his mind to even look at her? WHAT the hell.....


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

Well, she got in touch with some former flame from years gone via FB. Even though I told her time and time again what it could potentially lead to, she kept insisting that there was nothing to worry about. Yeah right.

After noticing how she wouldn't leave her cell unattended and hearing it vibrate late into the night, I got suspicious that there was more to it than that. So one evening she had left it on the bed while she was taking a shower. I took a look at one of e-mails he sent to her and there was a picture of his johnson with her replying back with a picture of her VJ (she had the nerve to send me the same pic hours later). I was furious but fearing that I'd do and/or say something that would put me behind bars, I kept my cool.

The ish hit the fan when I got into her Yahoo and read all of the e-mails talking about how great a time they had a few weeks ago and wanting to hook up again the next time he's in town. I confronted her and even after having all the evidence in the world, she still found it in her mind to lie about it, saying that they were having phone sex instead. Hello, do I look like I'm stuck in 1994? Married folks don't have phone sex with other married folks. She promised that she would cut off contact with him, only to sleep with him again a few months later. Only this time, not only did I find out about it but discovered the OM's wife's contact info. One phone conversation later and let's just say that I won't be worrying about him for awhile.

The fact that she decided to have an affair after being warned about it, only to lie about the entire thing and accuse me of being insecure still makes my blood boil. She wanted to get the 'nice guy/husband' from me and the 'booty call/XXX-rated' stuff from him but after his wife intervened, she can't get that from him. And after I installed the 180 plan, she doesn't get much of the former from me, either.

I agree with everyone else. I'd rather have a person ask for a separation than string me along, sleep with another person, and leave me mingling with his sloppy seconds...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I knew all along or at least excepeted the possability. after so many years I just wanted a change and confronted her.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Trusted for 20 years of a 26 year marriage. Should have been vigilant. It would have been better if she outed herself. Still, we are working through it. Still not sure if I'm an idiot.


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## marleygirl (Feb 3, 2011)

OW husband alerted me that they were texting 100 times a day. I then started watching the phone bills and reading the messages on his phone. They both lied and said they were just friends them 3 weeks ago OW called me and told me the awful truth, that they had been haveing an off and on affair for the last 18 months.


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