# Dealing with time away from kids



## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Just wondering how the other BS's deal with the days/weekends when you don't have your kids? The feeling of being punished for someone else's actions and betrayal just pisses me off to no end. The whole freaking thing just isn't fair. Spending time with my son is worth more to me than all the gold at ft knox. When she has him I'm lost and so angry at her for making me a part time parent. I do my best to stay busy but looking forward instead of backwards is easier said than done when you have taken one to the jugular. I give kudos to the folks that can forgive and move on in life but after almost a year I feel only marginally better from DDAY and have to contain myself when dealing with her. More of a rant as I've had some bad days of late but please comment on how you handle time without your kiddos as that's when I really get down.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

theexpendable said:


> Just wondering how the other BS's deal with the days/weekends when you don't have your kids? The feeling of being punished for someone else's actions and betrayal just pisses me off to no end. The whole freaking thing just isn't fair. Spending time with my son is worth more to me than all the gold at ft knox. When she has him I'm lost and so angry at her for making me a part time parent. I do my best to stay busy but looking forward instead of backwards is easier said than done when you have taken one to the jugular. I give kudos to the folks that can forgive and move on in life but after almost a year I feel only marginally better from DDAY and have to contain myself when dealing with her. More of a rant as I've had some bad days of late but please comment on how you handle time without your kiddos as that's when I really get down.


I know exactly how you feel. X cheats and takes the kids. I want them full time because my heart and priority were my kids and her's were herself. Nope you only get 1/2. It does hurt and it isn't fair and what's worse is absolutely nothing can be done about it.

What has helped me is finding friends and hobbies to occupy my time when my girls are gone. It's a poor substitute but it's a distraction. In the beginning it hurt a lot more. Now I embrace my single guy time. I have enjoyed dating, and mini trips even if to a micro brewery. So that gets better

Holidays..... Well I don't think they ever will be so try and focus on the positive as best you can.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

All I can say, is that it gets better. I'm 2 years in, and it still sucks.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> Just wondering how the other BS's deal with the days/weekends when you don't have your kids? The feeling of being punished for someone else's actions and betrayal just pisses me off to no end. The whole freaking thing just isn't fair.


No its not fair. It is what it is. Not only that, we, as men for the majority of cases, have to pay handsomely for that privilege. But I digress there, it is "supposed to be" for the welfare of our kids. Its what we do.

How do I deal with time away from kids? Well, I get to delve into some hobbies, enjoy getting to go where I want, when I want. Don't get me wrong, NOTHING replaces being with my kids every day and losing the joy of tucking them in every night, getting them to school every day, and having them greet me at the door when I'm home.

But we deal with it. Fathers get a ****ty deal and yes, it adds insult to injury.

To me, the court system should take infidelity into consideration as one factor of many when considering which parent is the most fit to raise the child. I would think certainly someone with the morals of a snake is not a good role model. I know, there are other factors to consider, and that thinking would be correct.

Just saying, infidelity should be factored into the whole equation.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm a little over 2.5 years past Dday. It slowly gets less painful with time, but only because you get used to the situation. I feel like I have partially detached from my daughter, just as a survival mechanism. I will never forgive my ex for taking away half of my daughter. This is the primary reason why many feel that death of a spouse is easier to deal with than divorce.

Occupying your time without the kids with positive activities is about the only proactive thing you can do. 

All that being said, it's not all bad, either. When I don't have my daughter I do whatever the F I want, when I want. I also don't envy my ex having to get up at 545a 4 days a week to my 1.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I had to come to grips with only seeing my kids on the set weekends. I also remember living under the same roof with them and a hostile wife. 

A lot of times in order to keep peace, I would go on my own to cool down for a few hours and missed quite a few hours that could have been spent with the kids.

After the divorce, I found out that quality will beat quantity hands down. 

Fat lot of good trying to pretend that I'm have a great time playing with the kid when there's a woman in the house making my life miserable but that was my kids mother none the less you bite you tongue and hope it will go away.

Then after the divorce maybe the time was limited but I could give all my attention to my kid and enjoy her company without all the tension there was before.

I also believe that it doesn't matter what age the children are, they can see that Mom and Dad don't get along and being caught in the middle, they really don't want to take sides and that's got to be really tough and completely unfair.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

My husband's had his GF since March and just left on April 20 and I just had a five day span without my son. Basically I lay in bed for five days and binge watched Veronica Mars. It was awesome... /sarcasm


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## sandals (May 8, 2014)

I'm not there yet, but anticipate I will be at some point in the future. I plan on ploughing through as much work as I can so I will have more free time when I do have them. As hard as it is, I think it's important for kids to be attached to both parents. They'll figure out who the jerks are when they get older.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

theexpendable said:


> Just wondering how the other BS's deal with the days/weekends when you don't have your kids? The feeling of being punished for someone else's actions and betrayal just pisses me off to no end. The whole freaking thing just isn't fair. Spending time with my son is worth more to me than all the gold at ft knox. When she has him I'm lost and so angry at her for making me a part time parent. I do my best to stay busy but looking forward instead of backwards is easier said than done when you have taken one to the jugular. I give kudos to the folks that can forgive and move on in life but after almost a year I feel only marginally better from DDAY and have to contain myself when dealing with her. More of a rant as I've had some bad days of late but please comment on how you handle time without your kiddos as that's when I really get down.


The only one punishing you is you.

I understand how you feel. You feel cheated.

Cheated on the life you had planned. Cheated on the life you both promised one another.
Cheated for the time lost with your son.

So your tired of being that every other weekend guy.

I am going to make a radical suggestion.

Are you listening?

Talk to your exwife. Ask to meet with her to discuss your son.
Tell her you feel cheated out of time with your son. Tell her you are trying to move on but you are still angry with the way life has turned out.

Ask her for more time with your son. An extra day or night.

Then ask her how she copes when you have your son. Ask her how she feels when your boy is with you for that weekend.

You have to move on and do it in a way that lets you both coparent.

So communicate with her. In a mature fashion. Do not blow up on her or download on her.

Just make it a reasonable open discussion.

Who knows you might just be helping each other out.

And when you do have your free time use it to improve you. To make you feel better and find new friends.

Have you been dating anyone yet?

HM


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

vellocet said:


> No its not fair. It is what it is. Not only that, we, as men for the majority of cases, have to pay handsomely for that privilege. But I digress there, it is "supposed to be" for the welfare of our kids. Its what we do.
> 
> How do I deal with time away from kids? Well, I get to delve into some hobbies, enjoy getting to go where I want, when I want. Don't get me wrong, *NOTHING replaces being with my kids every day and losing the joy of tucking them in every night, getting them to school every day, and having them greet me at the door when I'm home.*
> 
> ...


Absolutely. Agreed on all facets. It's just heartbreaking to have to live this way. Borderline torture.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Pamvhv said:


> My husband's had his GF since March and just left on April 20 and I just had a five day span without my son. Basically I lay in bed for five days and binge watched Veronica Mars. It was awesome... /sarcasm


haha, me and netflix are very close these days.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> The only one punishing you is you.
> 
> I understand how you feel. You feel cheated.
> 
> ...


We have never discussed it. I have no clue what she does on her days without him. We're in a small town and all my close friends are married and it's difficult to meet new people cause you already know everybody lol.

I am doing some online training to improve my career, playing sports, and working out a lot these days. Even with all that I still get down all to often. Haven't even considered dating yet. Not sure I will ever feel like i'm fully ready so I'll probably have to just jump in and see what happens. I don't feel like my mind is right as of late.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> Absolutely. Agreed on all facets. It's just heartbreaking to have to live this way. Borderline torture.


Yes it is.

But on a better note, at least for me, is that my kids prefer to be at my place. They look forward to spending time with me and all the fun things we do.

Then they go home and get in an argument with their mother about how they would rather be with me and when something happens at their house they will tell her "I want to go to my dad's".

She asked me to talk to them. Being of the mindset that she cheated me out of my children on a daily basis because she liked too much variety in sexual partners, I told her that if they don't like what goes on in her home that's her problem. I'm neither going to brainwash them against their mother or help her with them. She brought this down on them, not me. Oh I could tell them they need to respect their mother(even though she doesn't deserver respect), but that doesn't solve the problem of the way she runs her home. If it weren't for child support, she'd give custody to me.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

I am dealing with that right now. A recent weekend, they were with neither her nor I. They stayed all weekend at their grandparent's house and I was literally left with nothing to do both Saturday and Sunday. As I posted on my thread, I called my buddies but they all had plans with their wives and families. The town I live in is sh*tty in terms of activities and I hate bars so it sucked BAD! 

I have yet to find the answer to the question that was posed in this thread.


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## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it does get a little more manageable. I hate when my son isn't with me, but I've learned to accept my circumstances and try to create a new normal for myself.

I also completely understand how you feel about forgiveness; however, it's hard to explain the freedom that I felt once I forgave my ex. I no longer have feelings of bitterness and anger toward him. And I can honestly say that a huge weight has been lifted. I finally feel like I'm in a place where I can confidently look toward the future instead of re-living the past on a daily basis.

Hang in there.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

vellocet said:


> But on a better note, at least for me, is that my kids prefer to be at my place. They look forward to spending time with me and all the fun things we do.


I'm sure my boy feels the same way. He's still really young but I make the most of our time. He asks me every morning before daycare 'who's going to pick me up' and when I tell him 'mommy' he gets really upset and says he doesn't want to go over there and asks when I'm picking him up again. Just kills me inside to see him going through this sh1tstorm with me.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> I'm sure my boy feels the same way. He's still really young but I make the most of our time. He asks me every morning before daycare 'who's going to pick me up' and when I tell him 'mommy' he gets really upset and says he doesn't want to go over there and asks when I'm picking him up again. Just kills me inside to see him going through this sh1tstorm with me.


What can we say?

Our x-wives cared more about spreading their legs for other men than the well being of their own children. (I'm assuming your wife cheated based on what you said earlier)


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I have to say this is the one aspect that really guts me right to the core.

Some would say I'm privileged . I have my kids for half , 50% of the time but actually in our marriage, I looked after our kids for 90% of the time. I was a SAHD who still worked part time, so that she could pursue her career (part time)

At first on dday, *in her agreement, her instigation*, I had 4 nights she 3. Now in a bizarre court decision we share 50/50 that the kids even don't agree with 

Ultimately I have to confess every night spent away from them is purgatory for me, even in the days when I reluctantly agreed she should have the three nights I felt completely empty, devoid of 'use'. Okay that has improved, I get on with my life - I'm 'full up' socially and with work on days when I'm without them but it still does not sit 'right' with me

I might add that now she is with OM, as boyfriend, (not living together) and has sought to ingratiate kids with him I fell more angry about that than ever

Having a cheating scumbag as some parent figure does really get to me ...........but there's fkall I can do about that atm


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

vellocet said:


> What can we say?
> 
> Our x-wives cared more about spreading their legs for other men than the well being of their own children. (I'm assuming your wife cheated based on what you said earlier)


Yup, she was a leg spreader. She gets to live with that and answer those questions when our son is old enough to inquire why Mommy and Daddy aren't together. Thanks for your insight brother.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

Headspin said:


> I might add that now she is with OM, as boyfriend, (not living together) and has sought to ingratiate kids with him I fell more angry about that than ever


Not looking forward to dealing with her dbag bf's around my son either. Not sure how I will handle that. Being handcuffed on that side of my son's life is crippling. Good luck my friend.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> Yup, she was a leg spreader. She gets to live with that and answer those questions when our son is old enough to inquire why Mommy and Daddy aren't together. Thanks for your insight brother.


She won't tell the truth when the time comes. If asked, she'll tell your son, "Mommy and daddy just weren't meant to be together". That is if she doesn't try to tell him that you neglected the marriage or something.

I'll never burden my sons by telling them the truth. But if they ask, I'll tell the truth, that their mom had affairs with other men and had a hard time staying faithful.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

vellocet said:


> What can we say?
> 
> *Our x-wives cared more about spreading their legs for other men than the well being of their own children.* (I'm assuming your wife cheated based on what you said earlier)


Do cheating spouses feel this way though? Mine doesn't. According to her, staying with me and being "miserable" and arguing is worse for the kids than her cheating and eventually moving out. She sees herself as a sh*tty wife but a great mother. I'l like to hit her on the head with a hammer to knock some sense into her.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

theexpendable said:


> Yup, she was a leg spreader. She gets to live with that and answer those questions when our son is old enough to inquire why Mommy and Daddy aren't together. Thanks for your insight brother.


If she's anything like my WW, your son will never get the truth from her. AND she said that if I ever told them the truth, I'd be a horrible father because it would hurt them mentally and emotionally and she'd tell them I am lying anyway. 

Even though she treats my SD like sh*t, my SD will always side with her mom. She already said her mom would NEVER talk to another guy while being with me.


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## theexpendable (May 9, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> If she's anything like my WW, your son will never get the truth from her. AND she said that if I ever told them the truth, I'd be a horrible father because it would hurt them mentally and emotionally and she'd tell them I am lying anyway.
> 
> Even though she treats my SD like sh*t, my SD will always side with her mom. She already said her mom would NEVER talk to another guy while being with me.


Oh I know. She wouldn't dare tell him that she stepped out on the marriage and took a dump on our family. Mine will do the same I'm sure. She will try to lie her way out of it since she's so good at that.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> Do cheating spouses feel this way though?


Oh of course they don't feel that way.

But who cares? The truth is the truth. They can deny they were getting their gratification at the expense of their children all they want.


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