# Husband has depression....when is enough enough??



## kacmac (Jan 12, 2012)

Hi there....I have been married for 16 years and we have two kids. We have been a couple for nearly 21 years. Over the last 6 to 7 years we have had financial,job,emotional issues like every couple but I just dont know when enough is enough?

I have supported him through many downs and have been the solide bread winner, housekeeper etc but I am now wondering when is it my turn to have someone love me back and do things for me? I feel like I am getting depressed like he has been over the last few years. I feel like I am sliding down a slope with no way of getting up.

there is little to no sex in my relationship and he always blames it on me even though he spends his days in bed or sleeping on the couch or complaining about how much he hates his life. This comment is sooo hard on me. He has been seeking help with doctors but as of right now things suck.

I feel like we are roommates. I dont want to say too much to him to make him feel worse and possible push him over the edge but I feel like i am at my breaking point. has anyone out there gotten to this point?

He is overall a very nice guy as I have know him since we were about 7 or 8 years old but I need the love and the passion. He has said hurtful things about my weight many years ago that I will never forget and even lost tons of weight only to gain it back....

I need suggestions pls and thanks....


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

1. Get some individual and/or marital counseling.

2. Depression is a serious illness for which your husband should be getting treatment. If not, encourage/insist upon it.

3. What would you think of a thread entitled: Wife has cancer ... When is enough enough?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> 3. What would you think of a thread entitled: Wife has cancer ... When is enough enough?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don`t think most folks would equate depression with cancer in such a manner Frank.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I don`t think most folks would equate depression with cancer in such a manner Frank.


No, perhaps not. Yet both are real sicknesses, not choices. Her husband doesn't choose to be afflicted with a mental illness. He can't just snap himself out of it.

Now, if he is refusing to address his illness or try to get better, then she has the right to take action to end the marriage. 
Otherwise, doesn't she have a duty to stick it out with him?

For better or worse? Sickness or health? Right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Now, if he is refusing to address his illness or try to get better, then she has the right to take action to end the marriage.
> Otherwise, doesn't she have a duty to stick it out with him?


No, I don`t think she does.

I don`t view depression as a disease nor do many people.
I know we`re in a minority nowdays but it doesn`t change the fact.

If I was struggling financially, emotionally, and my life was spent slaving away taking care of kids, jobs, house...everything with no support because my wife was rolling around in a depression for years I`d have a "calling a lawyer kinda problem".

I won`t live like that, I wouldn`t have a problem supporting my wife through cancer though.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

tacoma said:


> No, I don`t think she does.
> 
> I don`t view depression as a disease nor do many people.


Lots of people do consider depression an illness. They're called doctors.

I can't make you believe volumes of medical evidence and scientific research. I can only tell you it's there, and that it's undisputed by those with the credentials to have a valid opinion on the subject.

Apparently some marital vows are more important than others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Lots of people do consider depression an illness. They're called doctors.


Those the same doctors who not too long ago classified homosexuality as a disease based upon volumes of medical evidence?

Those doctors?

Or the ones who haven`t a clue what fibromialgia is but have no problem prescribing potent narcotics to treat it?
Or the doctors who misdiagnose ADHD on a monumental level and prescribe powerful amphetamines for children to take daily?

Could it have been the doctor that amputated the healthy right foot of a man at Tampa general instead of his unhealthy left foot?

I could go on, lets just say an appeal to authority isn`t persuasive especially medical authority..


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Those the same doctors who not too long ago classified homosexuality as a disease based upon volumes of medical evidence?
> 
> Those doctors?
> 
> ...


Yeah, stupid science.

Speaking of fallacies, your entire post was one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

tacoma said:


> ...I don`t view depression as a disease nor do many people.
> I know we`re in a minority nowdays but it doesn`t change the fact.


Yeah, you are in the vast minority because you are utterly, fantastically, stunningly, wrong... and the utility of your other 'facts' and anecdotes is nonexistant.

just sayin. :scratchhead:

kacmac - Franks first post is good advice. I would find a way, make a way... to pursue some formal help. It may not be easy.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Yeah, stupid science.
> 
> Speaking of fallacies, your entire post was one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ooo.. Touched a nerve!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

But if your spouse refused to treat their cancer effectively, do your vows mean you have to sit there and watch them die? 

I haven't had depression, and while I suspect my wife suffered from it to a small degree, I don't have much experience with it in my life. But my understanding is that in most cases, there are treatment options. But the person suffering from it has to put in the effort to make things better. It's hard to tell from the OP if he's done that seriously.

I guess that's another question... If your spouse is suffering from alcoholism, drug addictions, bi-polar disorders... I sure couldn't tell someone that they should feel bad about finally saying they couldn't take any more. At some point, you have to take care of yourself, as you'll become useless at taking care of them as you get burned out and worn down.

To the OP... Are there any support groups you could try? Individual counseling to help you deal with what you're going through? Do you have a good support network?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I agree that depression is an illness, and go ahead an equate it to cancer. Even that has its limits. I had a relative with lung cancer that caused leisions (sp) in the brain. The relative became angry and physically abusive to the point that his wife could no longer care for him and he went in a nursing home. A spouse should support a spouse during periods of illness, but never to the point of harming yourself-and that includes emotional harm. If he is not in therapy, insist that he go-do not negotiate. If he is in therapy and things are not improving, request a separation until things improve. The marital vows do not require that the primary caregiver join in the illness. Someone has to be responsible for the children. Best of luck to you. This entire situation just sucks. I'm going through the same thing myself.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I've had/have both. Everything exists on a spectrum from essentially healthy to nearly destroyed. Cancer is a name we give to thousands of different things that may or may not obviously look like 'cancer'. Similarly mental illness exists as a complex unrelated set of things some of which are 'quirky' some of which are less so. Some are dangerous some defy description. 

The key question is 'Compared to what?' 

Depression is what we call how it looks to an outsider. The internal experience can be quite different. This is why many people don't understand they have mental illness. They don't 'feel' depressed. That's not their frame of reference. Something else is. 

This is why you treat the illness not the patient.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Illness or not? If there is a potential for treatment then why wait?

Part of the role that you have played has enabled him to stay that way.

In my opinion, depression can be a very selfish disorder. You are constantly thinking of yourself. Why me? I wish I were dead. I can't do anything right. I don't feel well. Little thinking goes into the love ones that are picking up the peices.

This is not to offend those with depression. I've had it! I know how I was and how I felt. It took a wakeup call for me to get help!!


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Hi I seem to be in your husbands shoes. i'll tell you a little about my situation and hope it helps. My wife told me she needed space for two weeks. I moved to my dad's house and two days later she sent me an email saying she was filling for divorce (this happened in September and yes she filed in October). She is the bread winner and Ive been with her since I was 15 (we are both 36 now, no kids by choice). once I moved out I started noticing my faults. How misserable I had become, i gained weight, gambled, rarely told her I love her or touch her in anyway. So it is very hard but I see her point. She lost faith in me but this woke me up. Women hold resentment and she mail feel I took her for granted when in reality I took myself for granted.I always felt, "well I'm a good person" but now I see that it doesnt matter. she left me and I don't blame her. So I am changing my behavior because I didn't like myself and if she never comes back I'll still be stuck with myself. I traded gambling for school. I no longer take days of work. I'm becoming close to my family again (i keeped my feelings in for so long and just keeped to myself). I'm changing from lazy to motivated. I try and help who ever I can because it feels good to be. I stay positive and I'm honest with myself everyday. I often cry. I often text friends and family that I love them. I tried in the beggining to talk my wife out of divorce until I sat down and realized I was only hurting her more because she was hurting me. So I had to come to terms that she is leaving but I don't blame her, I have nothing to offer. you see, it is easy to love someone when you need them, it is true love when you give them what they need. Sge put up with me for to long and she deserves better. Now that doesnt mean I think it's someone else. I think it's me but I leave her alone so the hurt and pain will leave and if she meets someone else along the way I'll be hurt but I can respect that. In the meantime I just work on myself. I like myself but I wont be at my best till I love myself. All I know is that I'm on the right track and my journey has more stops before I get to that point. I believe in true love. I love her with all my heart. and I've realized that true partnership is not just loving her but also loving myself. but I can't do this journey by myself so I've done something that works for me. My wife wants me to leave her alone but I still miss her and want to tell her how much I love her. so everyday I write to her about my pain, my love, my feelings and my progress, i draw for her, write poems, songs, etc. yesterday I made 12 flowers from paper for Valentines Day. Today I made her a bookmark. On all of these things I put them in envelopes, put a stamp and go to the post office and mail them back to me. because I'm respecting her space, but showing my love and it gives me structure. at the end of my journey I will write her a letter telling her I love her and how much I miss her and I will be patient because she may want more time or she might say no. if she says no I will send them to her and thank her for all she has done for me and if she ever believes in our love to contact me. If she says yes, then I will slowly try and build the love through patience and understanding. the most important thing to have in a successful relationship is communication. so if your husband is like me, yes he loves you, he just doesnt love himself. he may be like me and not know how much he has hurt you and at what point you are in the relationship. the only way the relationship will be a happy one is if he admits his faults and begins dealing with them. Love him but also love yourself. Im thankful my wife did this I want to kiss her and hug her but it's my love that keeps me away. I want the best for both of us and now is not the time. hope this helps and you and yours are in my thoughts


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

As someone who has suffered from depression (I'm better now) my sincere advice is to take care of yourself. Obviously this guy has no interest in getting better and barring that nothing will ever change.

So you have a tough choice to make. Keep living like this for the rest of your life or dish up some tough love making plans to live your life with or without him.

Depression is a selfish illness and I also think it makes people toxic to be around. Had I not actively sought help my husband should have left me. I was that bad.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Your post sounds like you know MY life situation. Add to that major booze abuse and you and I could be sisters. My husband lays in bed all day and if I want to speak to him, I have to wait until commercials. I am very vocal about my feelings so he is fully aware of how I feel, yet the uses the depression as an excuse and shuts me down. Every night he goes into the kitchen to play on his computer with a 5th of rum. He knows I hate his drinking but does not care. Tonight I asked him to spend some time with me watching TV (he thinks QUALITY TIME is being in the same room together, I told him that is QUANTITY TIME but he ignores me).

After I asked him to spend time with me (a wife shouldn't have to beg for her husband's attention), he got angry. After that, I clammed up, didn't say a word. He asked what was wrong with me and I said I AM LONELY, and he just turned around and continue to drink and play. 

We haven't had sex in over a year, we are only in our 40's and used to have a great sex life. Yet, if he sees me chatting online with male friends, he gets jealous and forbids me from talking to certain men. Says they all want to get in my pants. First of all, I am a big girl and can say NO to someone who wants to screw me and TWO, he hasn't wanted in my pants for a year. So am I supposed to sit in a house with another human being and feel so lonely? We are just room mates. Zero intimacy. Yes, I have told him everything I feel, he just rolls his eyes in his head and refuses to listen. If I were to cheat on him, he would be shocked. Which is stupid because I have been begging for affection for years. I am so glad I found this site where I can vent. I cannot talk to my family because they will want to fix everything.

Yes, I went to therapy for 5 years, he refuses to even get a check up. I am not asking for help, I just need someone who understands.


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## Corgilover80 (Feb 9, 2012)

I am in the process of divorcing my husband of 8 years mainly due to his refusal to treat his depression. I love him dearly and have been trying for years to get him help and to "fix" him, but I've realized that you can only help a person so much. They have to want to help themselves. I was always scared to leave because I am his only friend. But we have to look after ourselves too. We've had a lot of ups and downs like most marriages, but I can no longer carry the heavy burden of the relationship. He wants to save our marriage and thinks it can be fixed but my heart isn't in it. I feel like a horrible person for leaving but I can't continue. He has been prescribed antidepressants but refused to take them because of the side effects. After hours of discussion on our relationship and now that I am leaving, he has suddenly acknowledged that maybe the doctors were right and maybe he actually is suffering from depression and is going to try and get help. That's all I could ask for. Sometimes it takes a major event for people to realize that they need help.


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