# Recently Truthful about Infidelity



## toabetterfuture (Oct 26, 2015)

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We grew up together and were best friends most of our lives before getting married. I love him very much. 
We recently moved to a new, big city. I am a very social person and when I was having a hard time making friends in our new city I got really lonely. He also was adjusting to our new life and was having difficulties of his own. I was feeling alone and I met someone at the job I was working. We were just friends at the start, but he started to pursue me. I enjoyed the attention and started to allow his attentions. Before too long I found myself in over my head. I had sex with him. I quickly realized what a horrible thing I was doing and how I love my husband and this was wrong for us. I broke everything off with my affair partner and I decided to be honest with my husband in the hopes of repairing our relationship. 
It was almost a month ago that I told my husband about my affair. He has decided not to leave me and we are trying to work through this. My husband is a very private person and the idea of sharing his thoughts with a therapist (someone he doesn't know) is out of the question. But he doesn't really want to talk about the issue to me either. He wants to move on. He says he's still angry about it. I understand and I know that I shouldn't expect him not to be angry. I don't know how to move forward. Can we move forward without professional help? I want to think so. Things have gotten a lot better over the past 4 weeks. But I can still tell that he thinks about it and that of course there's something still between us. I'm trying to be there for him and let him know that it was an absolute mistake and I will have to live with my guilt my whole life. I feel like I don't get to share how this is hurting me too. 
My loneliness drove me to make decisions that I never thought I would make, and now I'm more lonely than ever. Our friends have obviously sided with my husband. Friends don't always give helpful advice either. 
Anyways, any help/advice/comfort/encouragement anyone could send my way would be great for me. 
Like I said I am feeling very lonely and especially with the distance between me and my husband I feel even more so. Thanks for reading this whoever you are.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

I think you need to go speak to someone. It takes around 2 years for someone to fully move past infidelity, so it's going to be a long hard road for the both of you. My XH didn't want to speak to someone either but then after we got a divorce he realized he needed to. Maybe you should start with IC first, and then move forward from that.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Are you still working with the OM? Seeing him every day?


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## toabetterfuture (Oct 26, 2015)

No. I don't work there anymore and I have had no contact since.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

toabetterfuture said:


> My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We grew up together and were best friends most of our lives before getting married. I love him very much.
> We recently moved to a new, big city. I am a very social person and when I was having a hard time making friends in our new city I got really lonely. He also was adjusting to our new life and was having difficulties of his own. I was feeling alone and I met someone at the job I was working. We were just friends at the start, but he started to pursue me. I enjoyed the attention and started to allow his attentions. Before too long I found myself in over my head. I had sex with him. I quickly realized what a horrible thing I was doing and how I love my husband and this was wrong for us. I broke everything off with my affair partner and I decided to be honest with my husband in the hopes of repairing our relationship.
> It was almost a month ago that I told my husband about my affair. He has decided not to leave me and we are trying to work through this. My husband is a very private person and the idea of sharing his thoughts with a therapist (someone he doesn't know) is out of the question. But he doesn't really want to talk about the issue to me either. He wants to move on. He says he's still angry about it. I understand and I know that I shouldn't expect him not to be angry. I don't know how to move forward. Can we move forward without professional help? I want to think so. Things have gotten a lot better over the past 4 weeks. But I can still tell that he thinks about it and that of course there's something still between us. I'm trying to be there for him and let him know that it was an absolute mistake and I will have to live with my guilt my whole life. I feel like I don't get to share how this is hurting me too.
> My loneliness drove me to make decisions that I never thought I would make, and now I'm more lonely than ever. Our friends have obviously sided with my husband. Friends don't always give helpful advice either.
> ...


Even if your husband won't go to counseling you should. You need to get to the bottom of why you cheated and what you can do to prevent it in the future. You need to peel back the layers and understand exactly what happened and why. As for your husband - he needs to heal on his own timeline - perhaps he will come around on therapy eventually - but you can not force him to. The only person you can work on right now is yourself and you should begin that immediately. Keep being there for him and starting working on being a better you - that is the best way for you to start to move forward. There ar eno guarantees but you need to control what you can control and that is yourself. One more thing - dont share your feelings with him about how you are hurting too right now - it does not matter as much as his feelings right now - that is why you need a therapist. It smacks of selfishness and making your affair and his devastation all about you again- dont do that. Good luck.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Google "things that every wayward spouse needs to know". It's the top one that comes up. As a betrayed wife I found it something very useful to discuss with my husband. I think you need to share books & articles if he won't consider therapy. Resentment builds if he keeps things bottled-up. 

You need to "Affair Proof your Marriage" (book). If my H told me he cheated because (anything really!) "He was lonely" I'd be thinking 'Well that means he's going to cheat every single time he get lonely. 

I'm sorry you guys are going through this. I know what it feels like to wish for a time machine...


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

toabetterfuture said:


> My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We grew up together and were best friends most of our lives before getting married. I love him very much.
> We recently moved to a new, big city. I am a very social person and when I was having a hard time making friends in our new city I got really lonely. He also was adjusting to our new life and was having difficulties of his own. I was feeling alone and I met someone at the job I was working. We were just friends at the start, but he started to pursue me. I enjoyed the attention and started to allow his attentions. Before too long I found myself in over my head. I had sex with him. I quickly realized what a horrible thing I was doing and how I love my husband and this was wrong for us. I broke everything off with my affair partner and I decided to be honest with my husband in the hopes of repairing our relationship.
> It was almost a month ago that I told my husband about my affair. He has decided not to leave me and we are trying to work through this. My husband is a very private person and the idea of sharing his thoughts with a therapist (someone he doesn't know) is out of the question. But he doesn't really want to talk about the issue to me either. He wants to move on. He says he's still angry about it. I understand and I know that I shouldn't expect him not to be angry. I don't know how to move forward. Can we move forward without professional help? I want to think so. Things have gotten a lot better over the past 4 weeks. But I can still tell that he thinks about it and that of course there's something still between us. I'm trying to be there for him and let him know that it was an absolute mistake and I will have to live with my guilt my whole life. I feel like I don't get to share how this is hurting me too.
> My loneliness drove me to make decisions that I never thought I would make, and now I'm more lonely than ever. Our friends have obviously sided with my husband. Friends don't always give helpful advice either.
> ...


I just don't get situations like this. Your Husband is your best friend, you've known him a long time, and you love him -- all per your own words. You moved to a new city with your best friend and husband and we're lonely??? If he's your best friend, you should have used the move to get closer and explore new things! Instead, you used it as an excuse to have sex with another dude, because you didn't have a few more friends? Does not compute.

Like someone else said earlier, what is the real reason you cheated? Being lonely, while living with your best friend no less, is not a legit reason, imo. Very naive of you to think some guy you just met, and knows your married, is going to want anything other than sex. How long were you (lonely) in your new place before cheating on your H? 

I know your asking for comfort and encouragement, but you have to deal with your problems with a counselor first. I will say it took stones to tell your husband, and the fact you feel/felt guilt almost immediately leads me to believe you do love your H..... And make no mistake, you are lucky your husband was so understanding. If my best friend-wife did that to me, I'm sure I'd be as receptive. Your friends are right to side with your husband. What is this advice your friends are giving, that you don't think is good/ Is it stuff you just don't agree with, is that why it's bad advice?

This whole situation just goes back to what I wrote in my first paragraph. Loneliness, especially after a move, just seems like an ultra lame excuse to do what you did.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Buy two copies of this book...

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

One is for you, the other is for your husband. Read it together.

It's around 90 or so pages long, so it's a quick read. Super helpful, though.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

toabetterfuture said:


> My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We grew up together and were best friends most of our lives before getting married. I love him very much.
> We recently moved to a new, big city. I am a very social person and when I was having a hard time making friends in our new city I got really lonely. He also was adjusting to our new life and was having difficulties of his own. I was feeling alone and I met someone at the job I was working. We were just friends at the start, but he started to pursue me. I enjoyed the attention and started to allow his attentions. Before too long I found myself in over my head. I had sex with him. I quickly realized what a horrible thing I was doing and how I love my husband and this was wrong for us. I broke everything off with my affair partner and I decided to be honest with my husband in the hopes of repairing our relationship.
> It was almost a month ago that I told my husband about my affair. He has decided not to leave me and we are trying to work through this. My husband is a very private person and the idea of sharing his thoughts with a therapist (someone he doesn't know) is out of the question. But he doesn't really want to talk about the issue to me either. He wants to move on. He says he's still angry about it. I understand and I know that I shouldn't expect him not to be angry. I don't know how to move forward. Can we move forward without professional help? I want to think so. Things have gotten a lot better over the past 4 weeks. But I can still tell that he thinks about it and that of course there's something still between us. I'm trying to be there for him and let him know that it was an absolute mistake and I will have to live with my guilt my whole life. I feel like I don't get to share how this is hurting me too.
> My loneliness drove me to make decisions that I never thought I would make, and now I'm more lonely than ever. Our friends have obviously sided with my husband. Friends don't always give helpful advice either.
> ...


You broke your marriage. You get to fix it. 

You need counselling to help you fix the part of you that was so broken that the only thing you could hear was "me! me! me!"

The path you chose (and you *did* choose it) is a hard one for you. 

But it is much harder for your husband.

He will think that he drove you to cheat on him because he wasn't there for you, that he wasn't good enough for you. That the reason you chose the other man was because your other man was a better lover than he was.

And yes, that's pretty much what all betrayed spouses feel.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

First of all you said this was a mistake. A mistake is something you didn't mean to do. An affair is something you willingly participated in.

Be truthful. Talk with him. I'm not enthused with counselers either. There are many morons out there who can make matters worse. 

He does need to know what you need/want out of a marriage. We men are sometimes dumb about these things. Listen to his views and make sure he understands yours.

The one thing bend over backwards to try and help him through this. This is devastating. He may not want to talk about it but you can bank on a huge problem here. Get it out in the open!!!!

Be completely transparent with him. There probably isn't much trust left but at least you did the right thing and confessed so he didn't find out on his own. Big plus here!!!! 

You have a long hard road ahead of you to get through this. Give him space when he needs it but be there for him. 

Does he know how lonely you are? Have you told him you need his time attention. I mean really told him. 

Nothing excuses an affair but it takes two to make a marriage. Must do is at least a date night once a week. It doesn't have to be complicated. Just time together and have fun.

Good luck to you both, sincerely


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Establish boundaries. You can never be friends with another man. Period. You should understand this now.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You have been given very good advice, I hope you choose to heed it. I might only add, do not allow your H to let this incident pass without dealing with it and healing. It sounded like he indicated that he just wanted to drop it and move on. It is highly unlikely that is truly the case. He is questioning everything he is as a man or, better stated, is not and it could prove fatal to the marriage months or even years down the road if he rugsweeps this and does not find truth and healing. He is devastated and it will take a great deal of time and convincing from you that he is all you need and want. Be patient and steadfast in your resolve and never waiver.

Your job is to see that he understands it was through no fault of his that you did this. He must be made to know this and although he will most likely never understand he can at least accept. I wish you strength and good fortune, you will need it as this path you have chosen is not for the faint of heart.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

toabetterfuture said:


> *I feel like I don't get to share how this is hurting me too.
> 
> Like I said I am feeling very lonely and especially with the distance between me and my husband I feel even more so*.


TABF,

ME, ME, ME.

Hear this... Not trying to be Hostile... But, 

If you want any chance for your Marriage to Survive. Stop the ME. 

You had the affair. 100% on you. NOT A MISTAKE, you planned your affair. PERIOD. If you continue with ME your H will bail and your marriage is doomed. PERIOD.

BTW, your ME, I'm Lonely Attitude... has you primed for another affair.


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

RWB said:


> TABF,
> 
> ME, ME, ME.
> 
> ...


This^^^^ so much.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

You have made a grave mistake; no doubt about that. But you have also shown strength of character in owning it. Had my stbx shown such integrity we might still be together. You need to see a therapist with experience with couples trying to recover from infidelity. Read the books that others have recommended. Do all that you can to help your husband heal. But realize also that not all of us are able to do so. I wish for you the best.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Above all, do not allow this to be rugswept. Read my last thread. It is a guide to letting your marriage die.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

So how many times did it take you to find out you were 'doing this horrible thing'............

Oh and exactley how long did you keep 'doing these horrible things'

Last question...was he married


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

You did the right thing by disclosing your affair so quickly to your H. It was very brave. It took me 23 years to tell my H of mine (after much forceful encouragement …by TAM posters) I wish I had had the strength of character you have exhibited. You did this without being caught first and denying denying denying.

Keep reading here. The blunt comments from BS (although hard to take sometimes) will serve to help you understand just how devastating an A is to the BS. Unless you have been in their shoes I think it is almost impossible to feel the depth of despair it causes. 

Definitely start IC and MC. There is a small hole in your soul that allowed you to make the jump into an A. Find out how to fill it.
Read HNHN and discuss it together at MC. Put your knowledge into action. 

Good luck!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The fact that you came clean is a HUGE plus but for you to so quickly give yourself to another man leads me to believe that you must not love your husband. Could be you're just used to being with him or the lifestyle afforded by staying together. 

Are there any kids? if so, how many and how old?
Stop calling your affair a mistake. It takes a lot of effort to cheat and may times it could have been stopped but it sounds like you did several times I bet each time more wanton than the next.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP-

Definitely see a counselor, even if you go by yourself.
Hopefully you got yourself checked for STDs. It would really suck for your husband if you infected him with something because of your affair.
Your H is in tremendous pain right now, even if he will not show it.
DO not rug sweep this. Address it. Get the books that Gus suggested.
Be transparent with your H in all things you do right now. Where you are going, what you are doing, passwords to your social media accounts, etc.
Be consistent with your approach towards him and your marriage. Do not waiver or waffle in what you want as that sends mixed and confusing signals. Expect that he will be upset, some days more than others.

Get help for yourself. You were lonely? This affair will likely make that feeling worse for a while as your husband struggles to cope. Expect this, get some help for yourself.

Best luck!
WD


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> You have been given very good advice, I hope you choose to heed it. I might only add, do not allow your H to let this incident pass without dealing with it and healing. It sounded like he indicated that he just wanted to drop it and move on. It is highly unlikely that is truly the case. He is questioning everything he is as a man or, better stated, is not and it could prove fatal to the marriage months or even years down the road if he rugsweeps this and does not find truth and healing. He is devastated and it will take a great deal of time and convincing from you that he is all you need and want. Be patient and steadfast in your resolve and never waiver.
> 
> Your job is to see that he understands it was through no fault of his that you did this. He must be made to know this and although he will most likely never understand he can at least accept. I wish you strength and good fortune, you will need it as this path you have chosen is not for the faint of heart.


OP listen to Spock. Your husband is likely protecting himself from the pain by avoiding the issue altogether. It's a common practice but it's not good. If you want your marriage to survive you will need to provide a climate in which he will feel safe enough to process what has happened. 

Above all learn from this. Learn the value of choice, and the reality of consequence. It is very, very important. I'm sorry you're in this situation.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

toabetterfuture said:


> My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We grew up together and were best friends most of our lives before getting married. I love him very much.
> We recently moved to a new, big city. I am a very social person and when I was having a hard time making friends in our new city I got really lonely. He also was adjusting to our new life and was having difficulties of his own. I was feeling alone and I met someone at the job I was working. We were just friends at the start, but he started to pursue me. I enjoyed the attention and started to allow his attentions. Before too long I found myself in over my head. I had sex with him. I quickly realized what a horrible thing I was doing and how I love my husband and this was wrong for us. I broke everything off with my affair partner and I decided to be honest with my husband in the hopes of repairing our relationship.
> It was almost a month ago that I told my husband about my affair. He has decided not to leave me and we are trying to work through this. My husband is a very private person and the idea of sharing his thoughts with a therapist (someone he doesn't know) is out of the question. But he doesn't really want to talk about the issue to me either. He wants to move on. He says he's still angry about it. I understand and I know that I shouldn't expect him not to be angry. I don't know how to move forward. Can we move forward without professional help? I want to think so. Things have gotten a lot better over the past 4 weeks. But I can still tell that he thinks about it and that of course there's something still between us. I'm trying to be there for him and let him know that it was an absolute mistake and I will have to live with my guilt my whole life. I feel like I don't get to share how this is hurting me too.
> My loneliness drove me to make decisions that I never thought I would make, and now I'm more lonely than ever. Our friends have obviously sided with my husband. Friends don't always give helpful advice either.
> ...


They say it takes 2 to 5 years to recover from infidelity with BOTH spouse working on it. So be patient.

It sounds like your husband is trying to rug sweep for his own protection.
He needs a little space now for the short term (and I don't mean a separation) just some mental space.

has he asked for any details?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

river rat said:


> Above all, do not allow this to be rugswept. Read my last thread. It is a guide to letting your marriage die.


READ RR's THREAD - it is a warning for WS and BSs alike - rug sweeping does not work!!!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

toabetterfuture said:


> My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We grew up together and were best friends most of our lives before getting married. I love him very much.
> We recently moved to a new, big city. I am a very social person and when I was having a hard time making friends in our new city I got really lonely. He also was adjusting to our new life and was having difficulties of his own. I was feeling alone and I met someone at the job I was working. We were just friends at the start, but he started to pursue me. I enjoyed the attention and started to allow his attentions. Before too long I found myself in over my head. I had sex with him. I quickly realized what a horrible thing I was doing and how I love my husband and this was wrong for us. I broke everything off with my affair partner and I decided to be honest with my husband in the hopes of repairing our relationship.


I hear a lot of excuses:



I was lonely

He pursued me

I found myself over my head

That's not taking ownership of the affair. You're trying to play victim when you're the perpetrator. You fvcked him cause you were horny and you wanted too. Period. Your husband is your best friend? I'd hate to see what you do to your enemies.

All this other stuff you're rambling on about are just rationalizations you've created to justify your behavior and if you want a successful reconciliation you need to start taking ownership and drop the "poor me" routine. 

You both need to go to counseling immediately. I see a lot of unresolved issues and old behavior patterns just waiting to resurface.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

toabetterfuture

I'm a BS, my wife had a six month long affair with her coworker. My pain in the beginning was unbearable. I will take a very nice approach to you, hopefully this helps you. Please understand one thing, because I am being nice does not mean you take this lightly. 

You have had an affair, you wrote about it here, and its all about you still. You are concerned for your husband as you said, then ask about your pain. Your pain? Where was your concern for your husband when you started letting this guy in? You knew the relationship was wrong but said it felt good, where was your love for your husband? Suddenly, you had sex with OM, where was your husband at all with you? Did you try to stop the OM? Did you think as you were groping each other to say no? Did you try to protect your marriage or husband by kicking OM off you? Most likely not. So the pain you feel is more appropriately called guilt. I said I would be nice, and believe me I am, but the truth hurts and you need to see this.

You have been married for three years, a relatively short time. What happens in 7, 10, 15 years? What if your marriage feels stale? You cheated because you we're lonely, what about if your marriage becomes complacent? You didn't cheat because you we're lonely, you cheated because something is broken inside you. For whatever reason you needed validation from a male other then your husband. You need therapy to find that brokenness and to correct it. You need to fix yourself before the marriage. You need to answer your husbands questions truthfully. 

Your husband is devastated, his marriage dead, and his wife still very much concerned about herself. How long did you work with this coworker after having sex with him? I ask because your husband will think the affair continued until you left. Your husband will have mind movies, you and the OM over and over in his head. Your husband will have triggers that will bring a sudden onslaught of pure pain. This is debilitating at best, he will see you as dirty, used, but still love you. Your husband will want to know why, how, when, and where. He will wonder if OM is bigger and better. Your husband may feel emasculated, less of a man, and destroyed. If he was like me he may become suicidal and severely depressed. 

Your husband is in pain that you can't even fathom, you may never understand his pain. You have killed your marriage, it ended the night you had sex with OM. Reconciliation is very difficult work, you need to be committed, as well as your husband. You reconcile, others have done it with worse situations. You did admit your affair to your husband, and that is commendable, but remember what you are admitting, a full betrayal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

*This manual has been given to a lot of cheating spouses in R over the years. I hope it helps:*


Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernible pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counseling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cheating because you're lonely is like drinking salt water because you're thirsty.


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## itbeme (May 2, 2015)

:wink2:Well said badmemory !
Do believe my husband read up on that. It felt like it took forever but he held up.(then afterwards had to put up with menopause).poor man,:wink2:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

convert said:


> They say it takes 2 to 5 years to recover from infidelity with BOTH spouse working on it. So be patient.
> 
> It sounds like your husband is trying to rug sweep for his own protection.
> He needs a little space now for the short term (and I don't mean a separation) just some mental space.
> ...


Not every BS wants any details. I know I certainly didn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

toabetterfuture said:


> My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We grew up together and were best friends most of our lives before getting married. I love him very much.
> We recently moved to a new, big city. I am a very social person and when I was having a hard time making friends in our new city I got really lonely. He also was adjusting to our new life and was having difficulties of his own. I was feeling alone and I met someone at the job I was working. We were just friends at the start, but he started to pursue me. I enjoyed the attention and started to allow his attentions. Before too long I found myself in over my head. I had sex with him. I quickly realized what a horrible thing I was doing and how I love my husband and this was wrong for us. I broke everything off with my affair partner and I decided to be honest with my husband in the hopes of repairing our relationship.
> It was almost a month ago that I told my husband about my affair. He has decided not to leave me and we are trying to work through this. My husband is a very private person and the idea of sharing his thoughts with a therapist (someone he doesn't know) is out of the question. But he doesn't really want to talk about the issue to me either. He wants to move on. He says he's still angry about it. I understand and I know that I shouldn't expect him not to be angry. I don't know how to move forward. Can we move forward without professional help? I want to think so. Things have gotten a lot better over the past 4 weeks. But I can still tell that he thinks about it and that of course there's something still between us. I'm trying to be there for him and let him know that it was an absolute mistake and I will have to live with my guilt my whole life. I feel like I don't get to share how this is hurting me too.
> My loneliness drove me to make decisions that I never thought I would make, and now I'm more lonely than ever. Our friends have obviously sided with my husband. Friends don't always give helpful advice either.
> ...


Is there any chance of moving back to where you used to live?

If you had a support system in place there before, they probably helped fill your social needs. Your husband did not have to. Now that you have moved away, you are seeing how limited your husband may be in this regard.

Also, did you date much besides your husband? 

Sometimes, when a young woman has pretty much been with the same young man her whole life, she does not realize how many other types of men there are out there. Some of them may be more satisfying than the one the young woman is used to. It can obviously pose a problem if the woman realizes this _after_ she is married.

OP, I am going to level with you: I think you need to seriously consider leaving your husband. Unless you go back home, to your built in support system, I think you may always find your husband lacking at being able to meet your needs. And there are likely to be many more men you will meet that could do a fine job of it.

For your loneliness to be diminished, your husband would need to study your needs, and then start meeting them. If he is unwilling to do so, this issue will not go away. You will either have to learn to accept the loneliness, and fight off the constant temptation to have it relieved by another man, or leave him.

At this stage of life, before children, I think leaving him is the wise choice.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> Is there any chance of moving back to where you used to live?
> 
> If you had a support system in place there before, they probably helped fill your social needs. Your husband did not have to. Now that you have moved away, you are seeing how limited your husband may be in this regard.
> 
> ...


I think most folks would agree w/ the part in bold, though for vastly different reasons than those cited above.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I think most folks would agree w/ the part in bold, though for vastly different reasons than those cited above.


Holy Christ yes!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Holy Christ yes!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't end up like Frank Roseboro's former girlfriend testifies | News | lancasteronline.com

TV tale of 'other woman' in Roseboro case | News | lancasteronline.com


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Has the OP left the building?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Don't end up like Frank Roseboro's former girlfriend testifies | News | lancasteronline.com
> 
> TV tale of 'other woman' in Roseboro case | News | lancasteronline.com


I still find it hard to believe that scum like that Funk woman and her murderous fvck buddy exist.

She should be sterilized!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I still find it hard to believe that scum like that Funk woman and her murderous fvck buddy exist.
> 
> She should be sterilized!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know.


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Has the OP left the building?


It would appear so...

She mentioned that all the friends sided with her husband, and sometimes friends give bad advice. I'm guessing she didn't like what was said to her by her friends and came here looking for sympathy. To me, her OP reads very selfishly. It's all about her. It's good that she feels bad about cheating, but then turns around and is complaining about being lonely again. Hello! You just let some other guy get inside you, and you are questioning your husbands time table for getting over it, for the most part. She wrecked it, she needs to deal with the consequences and not complain that her feelings.

I feel bad for the H in this case, the first time his wife gets lonely in a new city (where your probably going to be lonely for awhile), she goes out and jumps in bed with a coworker. I hope her H really thinks out why it happened and doesn't buy the lame azz "lonely" excuse and decides to move on, or at the very least, really looks hard at his options. She's perfectly set up to cheat again, with all her talk about being more "lonely" than before.

I will say, she came right out and told him, which is admirable. She just needs to recognize that it will be a long time before it's normal again, if he ultimately decides that is the way he is going. He may not have truly made that decision yet. Maybe he is still thinking on his options. Maybe, he is talking to a lawyer. You never know.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

Tito Santana said:


> To me, her OP reads very selfishly. It's all about her.


Aren't all cheaters incredibly selfish?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Tito Santana said:


> It would appear so...
> 
> She mentioned that all the friends sided with her husband, and sometimes friends give bad advice. I'm guessing she didn't like what was said to her by her friends and came here looking for sympathy. To me, her OP reads very selfishly. It's all about her. It's good that she feels bad about cheating, but then turns around and is complaining about being lonely again. Hello! You just let some other guy get inside you, and you are questioning your husbands time table for getting over it, for the most part. She wrecked it, she needs to deal with the consequences and not complain that her feelings.
> 
> ...


She can't claim to have been "driven off" by a mob of angry BSs...now can she?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Her friends didn't say what she wanted to hear. TAM didn't say what she wanted to hear. She moved on.

I akin it to if you don't like the music, you change the radio station.

The problem is that there's a reason that this "song" is on so many stations...

The fact that she felt bad enough about her cheating, she decided to tell her BH makes me think that there's some hope for her.

She may not be able to save the marriage, but there's a chance that she will live and learn from all of this.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> I think most folks would agree w/ the part in bold, though for vastly different reasons than those cited above.


When you come at things with a persepective that women aren't accountible for their own actions, and their mistakes and guilt are always their husband's fault, this logic is quite reasonable.

The problem is, of course, that wishing doesn't make it so.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marduk said:


> When you come at things with a persepective that women aren't accountible for their own actions, and their mistakes and guilt are always their husband's fault, this logic is quite reasonable.
> 
> The problem is, of course, that wishing doesn't make it so.


Agreed.

Just happens to be one of those odd circumstances where flawed input leads to acceptable output.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> Agreed.
> 
> Just happens to be one of those odd circumstances where flawed input leads to acceptable output.


A broken watch is also right twice a day.

I just wouldn't use it to plan out my day or make any major decisions.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Every time someone claims to be "lonely," I wonder what that actually means. 

I feel like saying, "get a dog or a cat."

I'm glad you cut off the OM, but your first post sounds awfully like the kind of wishy washy stuff I read here often, to the tune of:

"one thing led to another... "
"he pursued me..." 
"next thing I knew, we were having sex... 

What I really read is:

"I decided not to exert boundaries."
"I decided not to exert boundaries."
"I decided not to exert boundaries."

What I'd love for you to do is get some boundaries. Discuss this in IC, for you. 

Imagine yourself writing the following (if this situation ever happens again in the future):

"he tried to flirt with me but I told him I was happily married and that his behavior was inappropriate and unprofessional."
"he tried to pursue me and I reiterated to him it was totally inappropriate, then I notified HR."
"he made a pass at me and security escorted him from the building. He won't be coming back to work."


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

I hope she comes back. It will be a sign that she really is serious about reconciliation. 

But for her husband who doesn't like to talk about his feelings, that anger could stew, brew, and simmer for many a years.

Good luck to you. Maybe it best you just leave him.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Satya said:


> *Every time someone claims to be "lonely," I wonder what that actually means. *
> 
> I feel like saying, "get a dog or a cat."
> 
> ...


could it be an nice way of saying i had the time to kill so i cheated? it is just another way to blame shift the affair on the BS...know the song "50 ways to leave your lover" - there should be one written by waywards "50 ways to blame your lover" -


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Satya said:


> Every time someone claims to be "lonely," I wonder what that actually means.
> 
> I feel like saying, "get a dog or a cat."
> 
> ...


Had to like this twice. LIKE!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTR (Oct 28, 2015)

JLD said,

"OP, I am going to level with you: I think you need to seriously consider leaving your husband. Unless you go back home, to your built in support system, I think you may always find your husband lacking at being able to meet your needs. And there are likely to be many more men you will meet that could do a fine job of it.

For your loneliness to be diminished, your husband would need to study your needs, and then start meeting them. If he is unwilling to do so, this issue will not go away. You will either have to learn to accept the loneliness, and fight off the constant temptation to have it relieved by another man, or leave him." 


With all due respect - when we get married it's no longer about just one of us. It's about both of us 100% of the time. I look at the above comment and see selfishness all over in it. I don't want to imply the person who stated this is bad, but the advise is horrible! There is no easy answer here. It starts with repentance and asking for forgiveness. Along the way, it's about learning how to really draw close again, if possible. The marriage has been put on life support at this point but it is salvageable if both parties are willing to move forward.

Many years ago as a teenager I was talking to my dad about marriage. He said "there is only 1 reason for divorce". I could easily think of about 30 and so I challenged him. He said " It's because either one - or - both in the marriage became selfish somewhere along the way." He said you cannot give a scenario for divorce where "selfishness" was not at the root of the problem. 
That said - I'm not saying there a not times that a divorce is not justified. I am saying it can ALWAYS be reduced to that core. 

Great marriages don't just happen - they are created, one act at a time - one day at a time, year after year. I believe the most healthy marriage is the one where both realize the need to say "I'm sorry" on a regular basis. Kind of like kicking down the stones of a tiny wall , so that a large one can never be made between you.

A marriage is only as strong as the weakest link, and yes they can both be strong, even this one.

God bless you both - you need it, and it is possible.


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## toabetterfuture (Oct 26, 2015)

I stopped reading replies for a while because instead of giving me courage to keep trying and fighting I felt defeated and hopeless. There's no way I can address all of the things that have been said to me, but I would like to say that you don't know me. I re-read what I wrote and I see how I came across selfish, but that was not my intent. I know even by saying this I'm going to get blasted again. But know I realize I was wrong. I've fully admitted I was wrong. To my husband I admitted this and to the forum I admitted it as well. I am more repentant than any of you know because again I would like to repeat that you don't know me. I want reconciliation. I want to repair my relationship with my husband. He is important to me and I fully understand that I didn't behave that way. I am ashamed for what I did. Yes, he is the only man I have dated and up until my affair he was the only person I had been with sexually. I hate that I did this and I hate that I broke my relationship and my husband's heart. Please don't judge me. I already am judging myself harshly. Believe me when I say I just want someone to give me hope. Right now days feel dark. I'm doing absolutely everything I know how to repair my relationship with my husband. I have absolutely no contact with ex-affair partner, I have read books, I've posted on this forum, I've talked to professionals. I am seeking restoration with everything in me. If you don't have something positive to say then please don't say it. Because again you don't know me and you don't know my husband so there's no possible way you could know our motivations. Please, success or positive statements only.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

toabetterfuture said:


> I stopped reading replies for a while because instead of giving me courage to keep trying and fighting I felt defeated and hopeless. There's no way I can address all of the things that have been said to me, but I would like to say that you don't know me. I re-read what I wrote and I see how I came across selfish, but that was not my intent. I know even by saying this I'm going to get blasted again. But know I realize I was wrong. I've fully admitted I was wrong. To my husband I admitted this and to the forum I admitted it as well. I am more repentant than any of you know because again I would like to repeat that you don't know me. I want reconciliation. I want to repair my relationship with my husband. He is important to me and I fully understand that I didn't behave that way. I am ashamed for what I did. Yes, he is the only man I have dated and up until my affair he was the only person I had been with sexually. I hate that I did this and I hate that I broke my relationship and my husband's heart. Please don't judge me. I already am judging myself harshly. Believe me when I say I just want someone to give me hope. Right now days feel dark. I'm doing absolutely everything I know how to repair my relationship with my husband. I have absolutely no contact with ex-affair partner, I have read books, I've posted on this forum, I've talked to professionals. I am seeking restoration with everything in me. If you don't have something positive to say then please don't say it. Because again you don't know me and you don't know my husband so there's no possible way you could know our motivations. Please, success or positive statements only.


First, did you happen to see this...?



GusPolinski said:


> Buy two copies of this book...
> 
> http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X
> 
> ...


Please pick up this book. It was of great help to my wife and I.

Second, it's important to note that your husband has a role to play in the reconciliation of your marriage. While it's true that you should be doing the majority of the heavy lifting in terms of making things right, he has to be willing to receive it. That means talking through things, and perhaps even getting professional counseling. Your description of his behavior has me thinking that he's internalizing his anger, and may even be headed toward an affair of his own (commonly called a "revenge affair").

Third, read through these threads...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/52532-i-cheated-my-husband-left.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-can-someone-help-i-need-more-than-ever.html

I'd recommend reading ONLY the posts by the OP (original poster) in each thread; that should allow you to skip over any negativity contained within.

Fourth...

I'm just going to be honest here --

You came to a forum called "Coping With Infidelity", which is largely populated by people who are, in fact, _coping w/ infidelity_. You CAN'T have expected that every reply that you'd receive would be dripping w/ cotton candy waffle batter.

Does that excuse unnecessarily negative comments? No.

But infidelity isn't a noble thing, and it is rightfully viewed w/ derision. And if your chief concern here is any negative comments that you may receive, then you're focused on the wrong thing.

If you read something that you find unnecessarily negative, harassing, or insulting, click the report button. Otherwise I'd advise you to simply ignore it.

Buck up. You've got a tough road ahead if you're going to reconcile your marriage.

At least if you do it properly.

Fifth, please get the book. It's a good (and quick) read.


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## toabetterfuture (Oct 26, 2015)

Thank you. I will read that book.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

toabetterfuture,

As it's so soon after your husband finding out,you should expect his emotions to be up and down for quite awhile. He may not choose to reconcile in the end,but if he does then you can probably glean some insight from this thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52974-reconciliation.html

Don't let the size of the thread put you off. It morphed into a very supportive and reflective place for many wayward and betrayed spouses attempting reconciliation.

Answer your husband's questions honestly with the whole truth. Even if you think that you will just hurt him more,continued lying is the real killer to any hope of recovery.

I wish you both well. Take care.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Satya said:


> Every time someone claims to be "lonely," I wonder what that actually means.
> 
> I feel like saying, "get a dog or a cat."
> 
> ...


Bravo.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

This is yet another tale of woe boiled down to the common denominator: attention.

What is it about attention that is worth this? 

For the POS OM in this situation sex was worth attention. Attention is something that can be faked, costs nothing, and is often offered in lieu of something more beneficial or meaningful. 

You seem to be getting a grasp of this, which is good. Sadly, there are other things you must also grasp, and be willing to accept your responsibility. 

Your husband did NOT deserve this, had no chance to prevent it, and no choice. You unilaterally made a decision, and he will have to live with the consequences the rest of his life. He never wanted this, never had a voice, but now he must live with it forever. Does that sound dramatic? Well, it is. For you, dramatic. For your husband? Devastating, humiliating, emasculating. I'll stop, but I could ladle in on all night.

The summation is that you need to figure out what it is about something so trivial as "attention" that can push you to possibly ruin a marriage, and a man's life.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Do not get pregnant until your H has reconciled with you.

He hasn't started yet and even though you are ready to do what it takes, he apparently isn't.

Even with you doing the "heavy lifting" and the majority of the work to repair the damage you did, it won't help if he doesn't engage.

He may want to avoid further pain but that is impossible if he wants to save this marriage.

Unfortunately you both have buckets of pain to deal with to work through this and arrive at a healthy marriage.

Revenge affairs are common as well as slowly dying marriages and marriages that erupt and end even after 20 or more years because the affair was rug swept.

If he won't engage you can't make him but understand that the damage you inflicted is not being dealt with.

If he won't work through this then I would advise you to call it quits.

You are apparently remorseful and willing to do what it takes but infidelity simply kills marriages and your marriage might not be able to recover.

It takes two people to make a marriage work, one to destroy it and two to repair it.

I hope for both of your healing. If that includes saving your marriage then so much the better for you but it might not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

I just carnt get my head past 3 years married..............


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

TABF, 

You're going to get all manner of replies here, and as Gus said, this forum isn't going to have the most sympathetic ear on the whole when it comes to your position. You're going to have to eat some humble pie here. Many are not lenient to WS. You aren't in an automatic no judging zone just because you request it. We are not new age parents here. 

You say you want reconciliation, but what does your husband want? Has it really been long enough for him to even come to that decision fully? I do not believe so, given the time frame you described. This has got to be fresh for him. He sounds a bit in denial actually. 

I still believe that you personally could benefit from IC, with a focus on asserting boundaries. If you don't learn more about the how and why of your first affair, then you may be doomed to repeat it, whether you believe you will or not.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Satya said:


> TABF,
> 
> You're going to get all manner of replies here, and as Gus said, this forum isn't going to have the most sympathetic ear on the whole when it comes to your position. You're going to have to eat some humble pie here. Many are not lenient to WS. You aren't in an automatic no judging zone just because you request it. We are not new age parents here.
> 
> ...


That's well said.

Also, @toabetterfuture, I just have to ask... has sexual intimacy resumed between you and your husband?

Please know that I've asked that for a very specific reason; a return to sexual intimacy is an absolutely critical component of post-affair marital reconciliation.

Google the term "hysterical bonding" to see what I'm talking about.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

G.J. said:


> I just carnt get my head past 3 years married..............


and an A fo rno real reason...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

TABF, how was the sex with the OM? In general? And compared to your husband? You have no reason to lie on this forum.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I do hope you and your husband have been tested for STD's.


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that this forum tends to hit hardest on those who deny what is really going on. I am a betrayed spouse and believe me I was not spared.

But there is help here.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Satya said:


> TABF,
> 
> You're going to get all manner of replies here, and as Gus said, this forum isn't going to have the most sympathetic ear on the whole when it comes to your position. You're going to have to eat some humble pie here. Many are not lenient to WS. You aren't in an automatic no judging zone just because you request it. We are not new age parents here.
> 
> ...


Dear tabf,

Please take Satya's advice above to heart. You should not expect your BH to agree to attempt reconciliation so soon after learning of your affair. In fact, if he were to express his willingness to do so, it would almost certainly mean that the two of you were rug-sweeping your affair, and the result would likely be that your reconciliation would fail.

Fixing a relationship that has been damaged by infidelity is a very long term project and often does not succeed. I don't say this to discourage you, but rather to open your eyes to the nature of the task you have set for yourself.

Forewarned is forearmed.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You stated that none here should judge you because we do not know you. When comments are made here they are generally predicated on the circumstances presented. You wish to avoid the negative comments and their associated pain offered by people who do not know you. So then, if we knew you better then we would temper our remarks and treat you with the kindness you deserve? How well do you know your H? And yet your familiarity with him was insufficient to prevent you from inflicting intense, searing pain. It is true that we do not know you and your H personally but I would posit that you apparently do not know him very well either.

What most here are offering is helpful advice based on personal experiences. Your desire to be told that what you did was not so bad and now you can simply make it all better is unrealistic and would be erroneous advice. Simply put, you have caused devastation and part of your journey towards improvement is to recognize that fact and face it. I can assure you this, that no matter how "badly" you are made to feel by some here, it pales in comparison to what your H is living every minute of every day. He may feign acceptance and/or understanding and may actually be trying to make your journey easier, which is what love does, but in truth he is crushed inside.

So, as I said in my first post, this path you have chosen is very difficult and fraught with heartache but if you are sincere and your desire to save your M is strong enough, then you will accept the criticism, the scorn and the negativity in hopes of finding that morsel of truth that can help you attain your goal. You asked only for positive, constructive advice so I offer this, it is time you shifted your focus from how you feel to how your H is feeling. Time to stop being concerned with your comfort and more concerned for his. Time to put him first and you second. Time to grow up and accept accountability for what you have done. Time to change your entire thought process from "me" to "we". That is the morsel of which I speak.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Forest said:


> This is yet another tale of woe boiled down to the common denominator: attention.
> 
> What is it about attention that is worth this?
> 
> ...


"Ladle it on"? You certainly did. But, from her posts I think that the OP is aware of all that you have mentioned. And, just in case you didn't realize it, she didn't only ruin her husband's marriage and his life, but her own as well. If she was a denying, evasive WS , you post might have some point, but she has owned her sh*t and is looking for help, not a rehashing of her faults. Perhaps you can give her some positive advice?


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> I think most folks would agree w/ the part in bold, though for vastly different reasons than those cited above.


I think JLD's points about a support network and friends are well taken. But since the Op has stated that she wants to reconcile, I think we need to proceed from that framework.
This type of thing is all too common in the military. Young people marry, join the service and move far away from friends and family to a place where they know nobody. Get involved with the wrong type of "friends" and lose sight of what is important. I've seen it happen many times. This OP , at least , had the courage to work her way out of it.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

toabetterfuture said:


> My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We grew up together and were best friends most of our lives before getting married. I love him very much.
> We recently moved to a new, big city. I am a very social person and when I was having a hard time making friends in our new city I got really lonely. He also was adjusting to our new life and was having difficulties of his own. I was feeling alone and I met someone at the job I was working. We were just friends at the start, but he started to pursue me. I enjoyed the attention and started to allow his attentions. Before too long I found myself in over my head. I had sex with him.


Any woman who feels lonely and then gets loads of attention from a man they're attracted to is at risk of having an affair. The attention from the new guy makes your brain go crazy and you feel like you're falling "in love." So you go from feeling lonely, bored and unfulfilled to feeling sexy, excited and alive. The road ahead will be difficult. I hope you have some good girlfriends to talk about this with.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Heatherknows said:


> Any woman who feels lonely and then gets loads of attention from a man they're attracted to is at risk of having an affair. The attention from the new guy makes your brain go crazy and you feel like you're falling "in love." So you go from feeling lonely, bored and unfulfilled to feeling sexy, excited and alive. The road ahead will be difficult. I hope you have some good girlfriends to talk about this with.


I think that is a large part of the problem, she is in a new place, and hasn't made proper friends , yet.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Rookie4 said:


> I think that is a large part of the problem, she is in a new place, and hasn't made proper friends , yet.


Well yes but no.

She's lonely
She's probably depressed because she's lonely
She's isolated from her support system

AND

She gets massive pleasure from the attention of a new male.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Heatherknows said:


> Well yes but no.
> 
> She's lonely
> She's probably depressed because she's lonely
> ...


Married too young without enough "shopping" beforehand, imho.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

jld said:


> Married too young without enough "shopping" beforehand, imho.


Yep, I know how that is. That's why I think the age of consent should be around 40.:grin2:,


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> Yep, I know how that is. That's why I think the age of consent should be around 40.:grin2:,



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Two major red flags I'd be very, very cognizant of:

1. "My loneliness drove me to make decisions that I never thought I would make, and now I'm more lonely than ever." Nothing "drove you" to cheat - you made that choice because you wanted sex with another man. You are "more lonely than ever" right now. That perception by you sounds dangerous to me, and you very well may make the decision to cheat on him again. You need to address this. And remember it's not your husband's responsibility to quell your loneliness - that's on you. Married or not, we are responsible for our own happiness.

2. "I feel like I don't get to share how this is hurting me too." This is dangerous ground too. You shouldn't be thinking about yourself right now. And even if you can't stop that thinking, for the love of God, don't tell him this. It's likely to make him extremely angry. My exww took this line of thinking when we were first attempting R. It enraged me, and helped me make the decision to divorce.

Also be aware your husband may very well get a hell of a lot more angry than you've seen thus far. He's still in shock - this hasn't fully sunk in yet. There are stages to what he'll feel. At the point he's at right now, I still wanted to save my marriage. That gave way to extreme anger, which played a huge role in me eventually filing for divorce.

Your journey (and especially his), whatever the outcome, is only just getting started.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

My advice, OP is to work on YOUR issues, UNTIL your husband is ready. BTW, By working on your issues, I do NOT mean that you should feel sorry for yourself. Self improvement is important regardless of whether you reconcile or divorce.
UNless your husband is a complete introvert, he will eventually want to discus the affair. Part of your self improvement should be to have all the info he will want, ready for him. Along with the necessary proofs that you are a changed person. Good Luck to you.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

toabetterfuture said:


> I stopped reading replies for a while because instead of giving me courage to keep trying and fighting I felt defeated and hopeless. There's no way I can address all of the things that have been said to me, but I would like to say that you don't know me. I re-read what I wrote and I see how I came across selfish, but that was not my intent. I know even by saying this I'm going to get blasted again. But know I realize I was wrong. I've fully admitted I was wrong. To my husband I admitted this and to the forum I admitted it as well. I am more repentant than any of you know because again I would like to repeat that you don't know me. I want reconciliation. I want to repair my relationship with my husband. He is important to me and I fully understand that I didn't behave that way. I am ashamed for what I did. *Yes, he is the only man I have dated and up until my affair he was the only person I had been with sexually.* I hate that I did this and I hate that I broke my relationship and my husband's heart. Please don't judge me. I already am judging myself harshly. Believe me when I say I just want someone to give me hope. Right now days feel dark. I'm doing absolutely everything I know how to repair my relationship with my husband. I have absolutely no contact with ex-affair partner, I have read books, I've posted on this forum, I've talked to professionals. I am seeking restoration with everything in me. If you don't have something positive to say then please don't say it. Because again you don't know me and you don't know my husband so there's no possible way you could know our motivations. Please, success or positive statements only.


Were you his one and only sexual partner as well?


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> Were you his one and only sexual partner as well?


Interested to know this as well. If she was, I could see a big impetus for an affair/ONS on his part. If they were each other's first, she has now experienced someone else, while he is left wondering what it's like with another. If she was his first, I could essentially see it being more devastating to him, imo...


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

OP, WHY did you tell you H?

It's your crime - you should have been suffering from its burden. Instead you dumped it on your H. Why? 

This has nothing to do with honesty. Honest people don't cheat and don't lie where they go or who texted when they are having an affair. You wanted to be forgiven and that would relieve your burden. You were selfish twice. 

IMHO 

I don't know how to fix it. I happen to forgive it but it took me about... 5-6 years.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

First I know that it must be tough to confess your transgressions to your husband. You did not have to do it and he would have never known. There are some who think that you should have taken this information to the grave. Personally, I think you did the right thing in confessing. He may or may not be able to handle the information, but at least you respected him enough to tell the truth. It is unfortunate that he will not attend counseling as it appears that he is repressing anger that could well be the destructive to the relationship. 

To you I recommend individual counseling, regardless of what your husband does. Part of this counseling I would see what the counselor recommends for things your husband or even the both of you could read to work through these problems. You are going to need lots of patience and understand of your husband. He may have questions later, answer all questions, but don’t give him too much detail unless he ask for the information. This is going to be a long hard ride. I think you need to give this a year and see where you two are before doing anything else. Best of luck to you and your family.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rubymoon said:


> OP, WHY did you tell you H?
> 
> *It's your crime - you should have been suffering from its burden. Instead you dumped it on your H. Why? *
> 
> ...


Because telling him was the right thing to do; having broken her wedding vows, her husband had (and still _has_, by the way) the right to determine for himself whether or not he wanted to stay in their marriage.

Confessing also signals that she is willing to be held _accountable_ for her transgression, as well as making it much less likely that she'll repeat it.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Because telling him was the right thing to do


Sounds like we are in 3rd grade. 

If my H makes this mistake and deeply and sincerely regrets about it, then I don't want to know. No need to break my heart if he knows it was a mistake that he will not make again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rubymoon said:


> Sounds like we are in 3rd grade.
> 
> If my H makes this mistake and deeply and sincerely regrets about it, then I don't want to know. *No need to break my heart if he knows it was a mistake that he will not make again.*


Except that many do.

Either way, I agree -- yours is definitely reminiscent of a 3rd grade mentality.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Except that many .


Admitting to it doesn't change what happens or doesn't happen again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rubymoon said:


> Admitting to it doesn't change what happens or doesn't happen again.


It doesn't change that it happened or even ensure that it won't happen again, but it DOES give the betrayed spouse the option to re-evaluate his or her desire to stay in the marriage AND make it less likely that the wayward spouse will choose to do it again.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> make it less likely that the wayward spouse will choose to do it again.


Really? Any statistics to support this formula?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

rubymoon said:


> Sounds like we are in 3rd grade.
> 
> If my H makes this mistake and deeply and sincerely regrets about it, then I don't want to know. No need to break my heart if he knows it was a mistake that he will not make again.


And what if you were part of the dynamic that led to him cheating?

What if he needed help staying on the straight and narrow?

What if he swore up and down to himself that it wouldn't happen again, and like many cheaters in that spot... It actually does happen again?

I'm not saying you're wrong. I just think you have a right to know who you're hitching your life to, and why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

My father always told us when you know your at fault, the mature and responsible thing to do is stand up and own up to the mistake

Always tried to follow that and always after some thought apologised 

Hey that's just me though..........


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rubymoon said:


> Really? Any statistics to support this formula?


Well, there's common damn sense.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Well, there's common damn sense.


I like Gus! :grin2:


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

marduk said:


> And what if you were part of the dynamic that led to him cheating?
> 
> What if he needed help staying on the straight and narrow?
> 
> ...


If I were part of the dynamic that led him to cheat then I'd want to know about that dynamic and my part in it before it happens. 

If he needs help staying monogamous then he shouldn't be married. No hard feelings, but marriage is not for everyone. 

It does happen again, but telling sig other won't change it. 

I know I have the right. But I don't want to exercise it unless he makes me worried/suspicious/miserable. 

Just me.


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## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Well, there's common damn sense.


Linear thinking.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

rubymoon said:


> Sounds like we are in 3rd grade.
> 
> If my H makes this mistake and deeply and sincerely regrets about it, then I don't want to know. No need to break my heart if he knows it was a mistake that he will not make again.


I get your POV but don't agree with it.

It's ok if you or your spouse fvcks around as long as you don't get caught.

With your mentality there is really no reason not to have multiple long term affairs as long as you aren't caught.

So have fun with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

rubymoon said:


> Really? Any statistics to support this formula?


Where have you been living?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

rubymoon said:


> Linear thinking.


Please tell me that you don't have children.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

rubymoon said:


> Sounds like we are in 3rd grade.
> 
> If my H makes this mistake and deeply and sincerely regrets about it, then I don't want to know. No need to break my heart if he knows it was a mistake that he will not make again.




First it's not a mistake, it's a choice to have sex with another. Second if your husband gives you an STD and you will now die I hope you remember he didn't tell you to spare your heart and has never done it again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Sounds like we are in 3rd grade. 

If my H makes this mistake and deeply and sincerely regrets about it, then I don't want to know. No need to break my heart if he knows it was a mistake that he will not make again.[/QUOTE]
I don't know if many people sincerely regret it until they see the pain and turmoil it has caused. After all the STD tests, the crying, the explaining to family and friends, counseling, the look of disappointment from everyone do they start to understand what their actions have caused. 
All of the stories I have read, without this revaluation the coward keeps doing until they are caught or they fall so in love they just leave their family behind. The only honest shot is to come clean and hope for the best.


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## Stang197 (Aug 31, 2015)

Stang197 said:


> I don't know if many people sincerely regret it until they see the pain and turmoil it has caused. After all the STD tests, the crying, the explaining to family and friends, counseling, the look of disappointment from everyone do they start to understand what their actions have caused.
> All of the stories I have read, without this revaluation the coward keeps doing until they are caught or they fall so in love they just leave their family behind. The only honest shot is to come clean and hope for the best.


Half of this was supposed to be quoting another post but didn't turn out right. I tried editing but it wouldn't for some reason ?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Looks like you may have inadvertently deleted the leading quote tag.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi, in many ways the harshes comments are the most valuable to saving your marriage. Ypur husband is currently shut down, but these thoughts and more are going on in his head.

Read these comments as warm up pitches for when he dies open up.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

rubymoon said:


> Sounds like we are in 3rd grade.
> 
> If my H makes this mistake and deeply and sincerely regrets about it, then I don't want to know. No need to break my heart if he knows it was a mistake that he will not make again.


P,
I have an inquiry. If H made said "mistake" initially how can he know he will not make it again? Especially in light of no consequences? You would want your trust placed blindly in someone who betrayed you?

Why did you include the statement "if he knows it was a mistake that he will not make again"? If you do not want to know, how would it matter if he repeated the mistake as long as you were not privy to it?

I understand the term "ignorance is bliss" but I fail to see how it applies here.


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## sungazer (Nov 3, 2015)

Stang197 said:


> I don't know if many people sincerely regret it until they see the pain and turmoil it has caused. After all the STD tests, the crying, the explaining to family and friends, counseling, the look of disappointment from everyone do they start to understand what their actions have caused.
> All of the stories I have read, without this revaluation the coward keeps doing until they are caught or they fall so in love they just leave their family behind. The only honest shot is to come clean and hope for the best.


This is rubymoon - sorry, complete mess up with passwords and emails. 

I see where the misunderstanding comes from. Let me try to explain. 

I believe that I married a man with brains, intelligence, and integrity. Therefore, I believe that if such MISTAKE happens, he will be torturing himself much more than I am capable of. I believe that because I know that's what I'd be going through myslef if said MISTAKE occurred on my part. That's why I added "if he knows..." 

If I am mistaken, and I married an imbicil who needs tears, shame, embarrassment, and possibly physical execution to stop doing me wrong for all good that I've done for him, then I shall divorce, because if he has no remorse and keeps doing it over and over again, then he will get caught eventually.

Also, if such a mistake happens, then I promise you that NO ONE (friends, family, etc.) will ever find out. Why would I bring them in? I don't get it... 

I am not trying to raise my husband in to a good man. I assume that he already is.

This is just my own humble opinion. I am not trying to convert anyone.


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## sungazer (Nov 3, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> P,
> I have an inquiry. If H made said "mistake" initially how can he know he will not make it again? Especially in light of no consequences? You would want your trust placed blindly in someone who betrayed you?


I think I already did place my trust blindly in him. Trust is a choice. Otherwise, it's not trust, it's a conclusion based on facts, etc. I chose to trust my husband when I married him. I may be wrong - time will tell and show. But I do trust him. I trust him to the point that I believe that even if something like that happens, he will regret about it deeply enough to never do it again.

It's just how I see the world. 

BTW, I've been cheated on before. I know how painful it is. It's just been a long time since it happened, and my POV is pain free by now. It's not emotional. It's just a lesson learned so to speak.


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## sungazer (Nov 3, 2015)

nevermind


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

sungazer said:


> I think I already did place my trust blindly in him. Trust is a choice. Otherwise, it's not trust, it's a conclusion based on facts, etc. I chose to trust my husband when I married him. I may be wrong - time will tell and show. But I do trust him. I trust him to the point that I believe that even if something like that happens, he will regret about it deeply enough to never do it again.
> 
> It's just how I see the world.
> 
> BTW, I've been cheated on before. I know how painful it is. It's just been a long time since it happened, and my POV is pain free by now. It's not emotional. It's just a lesson learned so to speak.


I respect your position although I am unable to understand it. I do not mean to be argumentative but I would make one last inquiry if I may. I understand that in many cases we do blindly put trust into another with little factual and/or historical evidence to enforce our "choice". My question is merely for my own curiosity.

If you trust your H implicitly, to the point of knowing that he would be deeply hurt by his betrayal of you and therefore unable to repeat his offense, would not his betrayal be a breach of that trust? And also, how would a man of such high integrity and trustworthiness be able to keep such a serious betrayal from you? How could such a man live with that on his conscience? Would it not go a long way toward proving his strength of character for him to openly confess his transgression and show deep, heartfelt remorse and a sincere desire to make amends? I find your position on this genuinely confusing.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

NoChoice said:


> I respect your position although I am unable to understand it. I do not mean to be argumentative but I would make one last inquiry if I may. I understand that in many cases we do blindly put trust into another with little factual and/or historical evidence to enforce our "choice". My question is merely for my own curiosity.
> 
> If you trust your H implicitly, to the point of knowing that he would be deeply hurt by his betrayal of you and therefore unable to repeat his offense, would not his betrayal be a breach of that trust? And also, how would a man of such high integrity and trustworthiness be able to keep such a serious betrayal from you? How could such a man live with that on his conscience? Would it not go a long way toward proving his strength of character for him to openly confess his transgression and show deep, heartfelt remorse and a sincere desire to make amends? I find your position on this genuinely confusing.


The "don't tell me the truth to spare my feelings" argument is logically inconsistent, spock.

Don't try to understand it. It doesn't make sense, with one exception: "I don't want to know the truth because I don't want to get hurt."

It's basically the personal version of the Greek financial crisis.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Comes across to me like this...

"Do whatever you want, just so long as you can live with it and I never find out about it."

Sounds like the Jada Pinkett Smith approach to marriage.

Either way, if my wife were to say anything even remotely resembling that to me, I'd find myself wondering precisely what it was that she _wasn't_ telling me.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

sungazer said:


> This is rubymoon - sorry, complete mess up with passwords and emails.
> 
> I see where the misunderstanding comes from. Let me try to explain.
> 
> ...


Your opinion has a lot to be humble about.


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## Stressed Eric (Apr 5, 2010)

He needs to leave you. 'I was lonely'.......errrr no, you had a loving husband who you decided didn't deserve any respect so .let another man hop into your panties.

I hope he ups and walks right out your life. I have zero respect for 'I was lonely boo boo so I dropped my.panties..' He deserves way better. I just hope he realises it sooner rather than later.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Stressed Eric said:


> He needs to leave you. 'I was lonely'.......errrr no, you had a loving husband who you decided didn't deserve any respect so .let another man hop into your panties.
> 
> I hope he ups and walks right out your life. I have zero respect for 'I was lonely boo boo so I dropped my.panties..' He deserves way better. I just hope he realises it sooner rather than later.


 :iagree:

This! No need to discuss it further.


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## sungazer (Nov 3, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> I respect your position although I am unable to understand it. I do not mean to be argumentative but I would make one last inquiry if I may. I understand that in many cases we do blindly put trust into another with little factual and/or historical evidence to enforce our "choice". My question is merely for my own curiosity.
> 
> If you trust your H implicitly, to the point of knowing that he would be deeply hurt by his betrayal of you and therefore unable to repeat his offense, would not his betrayal be a breach of that trust? And also, how would a man of such high integrity and trustworthiness be able to keep such a serious betrayal from you? How could such a man live with that on his conscience? Would it not go a long way toward proving his strength of character for him to openly confess his transgression and show deep, heartfelt remorse and a sincere desire to make amends? I find your position on this genuinely confusing.


No, I don't mind you asking, because you do it with respect. We are talking, not fighting. I appreciate interesting conversations and debates. 

I believe that confession doesn't always indicate honesty, trustworthiness, integrity, etc. I believe that confession (particularly, when the other party had no clue and was living in happily-ever-after-land up until the truth was disclosed) for the most part is not a sign of good intentions or remorse, rather it comes from the desire to eliminate inner pain by being forgiven. As in 18-th century Catholic Indulgence principal, where a piece of paper sold by monks granted full forgiveness of all sins. Confession is a way to obtain forgiveness. And if one gets forgiven then a huge burden of guilt and regret is lifted off one's soul. I believe that is the main mechanism that triggers off confessions. And when I say "no, thank you, keep it to yourself", I am actually being extra cruel to the betrayer with remorse because I take away any chance for him to get my forgiveness. Carry that baggage yourself and know that it is fully on your conscience, and that you will never be granted forgiveness, or ever know what I would have done had I known. It's an emotional torture on its own for those with conscience!!! Those without such trait... well, I wouldn't want to be married to such a man anyway, even if his betrayal was not of sexual nature. Eventually, he’d get caught 

So, I guess my trust is based on the hope for personal integrity of my H, which would drive all his actions and thoughts. It may be idealistic, but I think it is even more idealistic to hope for a change out of confession. After all, we read here every day how he/she cheated, then got caught, admitted/confessed, promissed the world to only get caught 2/5/6 months later again. This is not to say that if one doesn't confess then the one won't cheat. This is to say that if one confesses, it doesn't guarantee much either.


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## sungazer (Nov 3, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Comes across to me like this...
> 
> "Do whatever you want, just so long as you can live with it and I never find out about it."
> 
> ...


No, it's actually not that. I explained it up above. 

Both my H and I wouldn't want to know for the same reason as I described above. Interestingly enough, when we talked about it (long time ago), it didn't cross my and his minds that it was an indication of something being hidden.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Mistake: something that is not correct : a wrong action, statement, or judgment.

Sungazer and/or rubymoon consider cheating a mistake. The definition of mistake I posted above is from Webster's dictionary. To tell someone you made repeated mistakes to the point of physical sex is absurd. So many chances to stop what is occurring, yet you don't. Yes, the definition has the word judgement, but to not correct any of the mistakes to the point of sex, that is a choice. We will have to agree to disagree here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Trust is earned and not a choice, a person earns your trust and loses your trust by their actions. To say it is only a choice is wrong. You choose based on what they have earned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sungazer (Nov 3, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Mistake: something that is not correct : a wrong action, statement, or judgment.
> 
> Sungazer and/or rubymoon consider cheating a mistake. The definition of mistake I posted above is from Webster's dictionary. To tell someone you made repeated mistakes to the point of physical sex is absurd. So many chances to stop what is occurring, yet you don't. Yes, the definition has the word judgement, but to not correct any of the mistakes to the point of sex, that is a choice. We will have to agree to disagree here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree to disagree.

The reason I see it as a mistake is because quite often people hope that it will not hurt anyone. That's where the mistake is, not in the actual action. Just like the OP - she was lonely, she didn't think it will take her anywhere other than getting some attention, etc... That is a mistake to think that having an inappropriate relationship on a side will not hurt anyone. But some people learn only on their own mistakes. Next time when she does it, it will NOT be a mistake, because she knows better. But the first time, she could have had or made up some silly reasons and excuses why to not stop it there. 

In my posts, I am really not talking about long term affairs or serial encounters. I am talking about a SINGLE time occurrence. Supposedly, one must learn from that time. And if one truly regrets what happened, then there is no way it will happen again. That's why I view it as a mistake.


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## sungazer (Nov 3, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Trust is earned and not a choice, a person earns your trust and loses your trust by their actions. To say it is only a choice is wrong. You choose based on what they have earned.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know this expression but I disagree with it. People know too little about themselves, more over about their spouses. Knowing someone after 1-2-3 years of dating is not enough for full trust, yet people get married, combine their incomes, have kids together - all of it would have been impossible without trust. In many instances, one spouse cheats after years and years of marriage. So, there was all the trust one can potentially *earn*. I believe or view trust to be closer to "hope for the best", rather than a cognitive conclusion calculated based on facts.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

sungazer said:


> Agree to disagree.
> 
> The reason I see it as a mistake is because quite often people hope that it will not hurt anyone. That's where the mistake is, not in the actual action. Just like the OP - she was lonely, she didn't think it will take her anywhere other than getting some attention, etc... That is a mistake to think that having an inappropriate relationship on a side will not hurt anyone. But some people learn only on their own mistakes. Next time when she does it, it will NOT be a mistake, because she knows better. But the first time, she could have had or made up some silly reasons and excuses why to not stop it there.
> 
> In my posts, I am really not talking about long term affairs or serial encounters. I am talking about a SINGLE time occurrence. Supposedly, one must learn from that time. And if one truly regrets what happened, then there is no way it will happen again. That's why I view it as a mistake.




You are correct to agree to disagree. You can't possibly think that having sex is a mistake. Suppose you went all the way to the point of insertion and then said no, but the OM continued. You say repeatedly no from start to finish. It's not rape, it's a mistake on the OM's part. By your definition rape does not exist in your world. So by your definition it doesn't hurt your spouse to stay quiet as it does the rapist and stay quiet. That is bull, there is pain in infidelity and rape. There is consequences to infidelity and rape. The OM chose to continue just as the cheater chose to have a ONS or affair.


ETA: relying on hope that you don't hurt anyone with infidelity is quite foolish.


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## sungazer (Nov 3, 2015)

I think I've done enough damage to the OP, as we are no longer talking about her. LOL. So, I am done.

To the OP though. I don't belive that your confession indicates that you would never do it again. I believe that you are a bit too selfish to truely regret what you did. It may go away with age, when life teaches you enough lessons to truly cherish what you have. Your H may see it the same way and that is why he is torn: he still loves you, but he doesn't see any future. I do not think there is anything you can do to fix it. He either heals on his own and lets go of it, or he doesn't. In any case, he will always have this memory up his sleave, and it will be a very convenient excuse for him down the road when your marriage hits a rocky road, and you get older. Sorry. I don't mean to be harsh. Let it be a very valuable lesson.


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## sungazer (Nov 3, 2015)

drifting on said:


> You are correct to agree to disagree. You can't possibly think that having sex is a mistake. Suppose you went all the way to the point of insertion and then said no, but the OM continued. You say repeatedly no from start to finish. It's not rape, it's a mistake on the OM's part. By your definition rape does not exist in your world. So by your definition it doesn't hurt your spouse to stay quiet as it does the rapist and stay quiet. That is bull, there is pain in infidelity and rape. There is consequences to infidelity and rape. The OM chose to continue just as the cheater chose to have a ONS or affair.
> 
> 
> ETA: relying on hope that you don't hurt anyone with infidelity is quite foolish.


For Heaven sakes! Now we are talking about rape with all graphical details? What's next? My opinion will be equated to the one Hitler had? 

I know people on here are hurting. I was there. I know how it feels. I wish everyone a speedy recovery. If you WANT to get out of this funk, you will. But if you are still there a year later, then seek professional help - it's no longer them, it's YOU who enjoys to be miserable.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

I have got to say that I love it when a wayward comes here tries to tell her story or justification of her b***sh*t... You don't understand my stories different, he's my best friend, I love him but I couldn't wait to to have some other man make love to me. You guys don't understand he's the only one I've been with so you know I had to go out and test the waters. 
She asked for sympathy please don't be mean and you guys just kept it up I love that it was funny..! Way to go TAM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

sungazer said:


> Agree to disagree.
> 
> The reason I see it as a mistake is because quite often people hope that it will not hurt anyone. That's where the mistake is, not in the actual action. Just like the OP - she was lonely, she didn't think it will take her anywhere other than getting some attention, etc... That is a mistake to think that having an inappropriate relationship on a side will not hurt anyone. But some people learn only on their own mistakes. Next time when she does it, it will NOT be a mistake, because she knows better. But the first time, she could have had or made up some silly reasons and excuses why to not stop it there.
> 
> In my posts, I am really not talking about long term affairs or serial encounters. I am talking about a SINGLE time occurrence. Supposedly, one must learn from that time. And if one truly regrets what happened, then there is no way it will happen again. That's why I view it as a mistake.


I agree that I've heard this exact same thing from others that have cheated -- that they didn't think their spouse would ever find out, so they would never get hurt by it, and that was their mistake.

But can you go into this more -- why did you think that they would never find out, and why did you think there was no risk in them getting hurt?

Or is it what I think is more likely -- that it really just wasn't part of the equation in the rush of sexy hormones?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Sparta said:


> I have got to say that I love it when a wayward comes here tries to tell her story or justification of her b***sh*t... You don't understand my stories different, he's my best friend, I love him but I couldn't wait to to have some other man make love to me. You guys don't understand he's the only one I've been with so you know I had to go out and test the waters.
> She asked for sympathy please don't be mean and you guys just kept it up I love that it was funny..! Way to go TAM
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The folks who bring their infidelity issues to TAM are a self-selected group. Most folks with infidelity issues do NOT come to TAM. They deal with their issues in other ways---some reconcile, some divorce, and some live on in marital hell.

TAM lives in its own selected universe. Few here actually understand how infidelity comes about and how both partners in a marriage often contribute to it. Folks who come here (especially women) and confess their affairs are often attacked and beaten down until (as many do) they leave. Many in TAM do not want to hear anything other than the Official TAM View on Infidelity.

Any human in pain deserves some sympathy. That's what most of the world's religions tell us. They do not deserve to have a bunch of strangers come down on them like a load of bricks. That does not mean that the sinner is not responsible for the sin, they ARE responsible. But it does mean that some compassion and help for them can be given.

I'll give one scenario here for how our OP could have gotten into this situation. She and her husband move to a new town where they have jobs but no friends. This is OK for the husband, they are more used to being alone.

Many (not all) women need to have close friends that they can talk to about the trivia of the day. They don't talk about the New England Patriots or the Chicago Cubs. Without a support group many women are a bit lost.

In this case the OP fell in with a bunch of fellow workers, one of whom took a liking to her. He listened to her. (Many men don't really listen to women.) They talked. She became less stressed because she had a friend. The conversations became more intimate because he understood her, or so she thought.

Her husband was still hard at work. He was somewhat remote because he had his own problems. The only place his wife, the OP, felt comfortable was when she was with her new friend.

And with him one thing led to another. Her defenses were down. She was somewhat resentful of her husband for dragging her to this awful place and so, one day, it happened. She didn't have to do it, but she did. The emotions overwhelmed her. His touch. His kisses. The hormone levels in her body skyrocketed. They touched more. She was in flame and knew that her friend was also. It pleased her to give him some pleasure because of what he'd done for her.

And so they had sex.

And when she did, it shocked her. WHAT HAD SHE DONE? That was not her. It was some other loose woman with no morals. It was like a bombshell going off. Her life was ruined by her actions.

What could she do. The only thing she could think of was to run to her husband and tell him everything. 

She did. He was shocked. She cried. She promised that he was the only man she'd actually loved. He forgave her and retreated into himself.

She saw the pain she'd given him. She hated that. She wanted to put all that behind them. She wanted to help her husband, but he didn't want to talk about it. So she came here and asked for help.

And got dumped on.

And no, I wasn't there. I invented the scene. But it is plausible as are dozens of other similar ones.

We could have told her that she created this mess and so she had to do the major share of fixing it. She had to show her dedication to her husband every way she could. She had to make him the most special part of her life because he was the most special part of her life.

More: she needed to answer any questions he had. And she's doubtless told him that already. And if he doesn't want to ask any questions, that's OK too. She still had to work hard at getting him to understand that he was the most special person in the world to her.

And if it worked, that's wonderful. And if it didn't, she'd at least know that she'd done her best to fix things.

There's more, a lot more, but if you are still with me, you get it. This is a place where we help alleviate pain, not a place to impose even more pain. It is not our job to punish sinners. It is our job to help them.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Thank goodness that was cleared up.

The one girl for 3 months and then the other 4-6 ONS (too many drunk nights to remember the correct count) during that period was just a mistake on my part...

Cheating is not a mistake. It's a choice someone makes to do it. No matter what their circumstances are, it is clearly a choice and not a mistake.

It's a bad choice but it's not a mistake. Oops I got too drunk and had a ONS.

You had a choice not to drink to the point of saying it was the alcohol

You had a choice to stay home that night with your SO instead of going out to party with friends

You had a choice to say no, even that drunk (unless you were passed out then there is no consent and that's rape)

Before cheating, the WS had ALOT OF CHOICES to make before the deed actually happens. ALOT, SO IT'S NOT A DAMN MISTAKE AT ALL.

That's like saying I shot at this person but hit another person my mistake.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Here are some of the choices I made

I didn't have to go out with my cousin to those hostess bars to meet girls.

I didn't have to talk to that one girl when my cousin introduced her to me.

I didn't have to get to know her better.

I didn't have to take her key when she gave it to me so I can visit her when I want.

I didn't have to goto her place one day and spend time with her.

I didn't have to take her to Vegas with me on a business trip.

I didn't have to go back to her place when I knew I was going to get laid for sure (would have happened in Vegas but my cousin ****-blocked me)

I didn't have to keep visiting her at work and her place for those 3 months.

I didn't have to go out to bars and meet girls and end up with ONS when I wasn't seeing the OW.

BTW, this is just the short list, want me to keep going on how many more mistakes I could have made.


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