# Is it okay to let your adult children know what is going on?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Over two weeks ago when I had dd#2..I told our son who is still living with us, and is age 22, briefly what his dad had been up to. H was mad because he thought it wasn't my place to tell him...well since then son has hardly been talking to his dad. He is not a great communicator to begin with..but I have doubts about what I did and if I screwed up his relationship with his dad forever.

H and I have talked to him and told him that we are in MC and trying to work on our issues...H told him that nothing physical happened with this person and it was just emails and nothing more and that he is not interested in this other person and wants to stay married.

It is kind of uncomfortable still around the house because of this...there is a big part of me that wishes I said nothing but it is too late now.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Im torn here because I was sucked into my parent's infidelity drama

but the truth does need to be known, your husband needs to see the consequences of his actions


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

That is what I thought as well....I mean after the first dd#1 I said nothing to son but when I discovered that he was still in contact for 6 months after dd#1..I thought I have to reveal.

I think we are doing the best thing we can do right now and that is why I mentioned to son that we are in MC..this way at least he knows that we are working on our relationship. Not just brushing it under the cover....

I wanted H to state to son that nothing physical happened with this person, as uncomfortable as that was for H, because I think that is the first thing that goes thru someones mind.

I have no idea what a 22 year old male would be thinking on this subject though involving his parents.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

for me I went from adoring my father to despising him

you can read the 1st part of my story in my signature link


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Why does he need to know? I think if you are working on R, these conversations need to be with all parties W, H and son. Otherwise, it seems like it is manipulative, to get the son to your side. 

If you can foregive your H, your son can too. That is why it is best to keep them out of it until there is a resolution one way or the other. The son knowing can keep the H honest, but that is not a burden that should be on a child, even an adult child.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

That is my worst fear..that our son will continue to despise his dad and look at me like I am a victim and am putting up with this.

I do wish that I had not said anything however alot of people said he has a right to know....

I think we are good with keeping the drama away from him...if we argue, etc. it is always when son is at work. Unlike your parents who pulled you into it..I don't want to do that..I guess myself and H just have to keep a united front. Hopefully with time this will pass and maybe he will be able to let it go....

Compared to two weeks ago he is a little better toward his dad..for the first week he didn't even respond when H asked him something now at least he responds..so I am thinking that some of the anger has dissipated a little.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Highwood~

Bear something in mind--it is not you TELLING that did the damage. It is what your hubby DID that is causing the damage between him and his son. In an effort to keep the affair "under wraps" and a secret, many disloyal spouses try to pull this one, and it's just blameshifting and deflection. What you did was "Tell the Truth" and inform your son of facts. 

Now suppose that "the Truth" was that your hubby had been absolutely faithful, had blocked the OW's emails, and had rebuffed her attempts at pursuit by calling you on the phone while she was in the room. Suppose he had stood for you and your marriage and said, "Stop that stuff right now! I am dedicated to Highwood, and I intend to love her with my whole mind, body and soul"? Where would your son's relationship with his dad be? Would your son maybe respect and admire his dad? It would be different, wouldn't it? And that's because the thing that is harming their relationship is the fact that his dad not only did NOT rebuff the OW but also lied to you for 6 more months! 

So don't fall for that old trick. It's bologna.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My uncle disclosed to the family at the dinner table that he was leaving my aunt of 25 yrs for another woman. She was blindsided. Their youngest at the time was an 17 yr old male. He hated his father after that, severed all communications and contact. He could not respect his father for treating his mother that way and decided that dad was not the type of person he wanted in his life.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Highwood~
> 
> Bear something in mind--it is not you TELLING that did the damage. It is what your hubby DID that is causing the damage between him and his son.
> 
> ...


This. One Thousand times this.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Fantastic post Affaircare.

Tell the truth , it's not for you to hide or lie about your spouse's affair. He knew what he was doing each and every day he bertrayed you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Highwood~
> 
> Bear something in mind--it is not you TELLING that did the damage. It is what your hubby DID that is causing the damage between him and his son. In an effort to keep the affair "under wraps" and a secret, many disloyal spouses try to pull this one, and it's just blameshifting and deflection. What you did was "Tell the Truth" and inform your son of facts.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I feel better!

That is what I would think at times..if he hadn't chose the actions he did which were:

- recontacting his EA four days after DD#1
- going out and buying another laptop to hide in his truck while knowing I was checking his main laptop in the house knowing I would never find anything
- telling me for six months stuff such as..."he was over that **** as it wasn't worth it" and "looking me in my eyes and insisting that he was not in contact with her".
- even doing a fake name in his new secret email so if I happened to discover it I would think it was a guy named Ben emailing her

Frick I am getting pissed off again....

He chose the actions and now he has to live with the reprucussions...if he had it his way him and I would be the only ones that would be aware of his indescretion...no way..there is not enough shame in that for him.

As I am writing this I think I had to do what I did....


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

highwood said:


> Thank you! I feel better!
> 
> That is what I would think at times..if he hadn't chose the actions he did which were:
> 
> ...


Consequences. It's whats for dinner.

(well that and bologna over at AC's house :rofl

Also, your son's reaction to his father's A should be a crowning moment in your parenting life.

He is showing class, morals and character by denouncing your H's actions and standing up for the most important woman in his life.


You.

Your H could learn a thing or three.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> Consequences. It's whats for dinner.
> 
> (well that and bologna over at AC's house :rofl
> 
> ...


Love it...Thank you!!!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

They'd figure it out anyway. Our kids are 18, 20 and 22 (Dday#1 was 2 years ago) and all I told them was that he had left because we had a really bad fight. They knew things weren't great before that anyway, of course, since we didn't get along well at all. Months later oldest son said he'd seen emails between hubby and I discussing what hubby did (he probably looked in my email since I don't password protect it or anything) and knew, and he of course told other son. 

Daughter developed bulimia right around the time Dday#1 happened, which may or may not have resulted from all the tension and loss of her dad. She's better now since treatment but doesn't talk about it, and I don't bring it up. To this day I don't know what she knows - her counselor poo poo'd the idea of discussing it while she's in treatment.

Hubby still has to do some of his 12 steps and I am waiting to see if he brings it up with them, because I think it's his place more than mine now that we're back together.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Affaircare has it right. Again..

The decision to have an affair and to continue it was not yours. 
The decision to lie to his family was not yours.

Your kids will have seen you a mess for many months and wondered what the hell is wrong with mom. You are just telling them the truth. 
Cheaters hate the truth because it closes the gap between reality and their current reality which is built on lies.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

My ex told her two kids about our divorce before handing me the papers. Even told them I wasn't their father. I paid off both of their college tuitions and haven't even heard from them since.
Did get a message from the oldest, (boy) criticizing me for being too stupid to realize what was going on.
Never bothered to answer because he couldn't have been more right.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Adult children are adults, and you did the right thing by talking to them. At this age theyve got the right to be told the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

highwood said:


> Over two weeks ago when I had dd#2..I told our son who is still living with us, and is age 22, briefly what his dad had been up to. H was mad because he thought it wasn't my place to tell him...well since then son has hardly been talking to his dad. He is not a great communicator to begin with..but I have doubts about what I did and if I screwed up his relationship with his dad forever.
> 
> H and I have talked to him and told him that we are in MC and trying to work on our issues...H told him that nothing physical happened with this person and it was just emails and nothing more and that he is not interested in this other person and wants to stay married.
> 
> It is kind of uncomfortable still around the house because of this...there is a big part of me that wishes I said nothing but it is too late now.


My .02 is YES it should 99.99% of the time it should be kept between the spouses. I hate the exposure TACTIC and that is exactly what it is a TACTIC that can cause unrepairable harm. 

We are all adults I say deal with it everyone does not need to know because as they say there is always three sides to every story hers/his and the truth!

Marriage is between the man and woman..........if divorce happens then by all means share if you want too, but as long as you are married and there is a chance to reconcile I say NO don't say a thing with specifics.

Just vague "Yeah we are going through some things" no need for details.


I've seen first hand what this causes.......and it sucks!! Of course everyone will start saying "Well, what about the affair huh" he doesn't get off easy just keep it in the marriage.


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

I'm new around here, but this is something that's been running through my mind. Firstly, I've read your threads and my heart is with you. I didn't find out about my WH cheating until years after the fact, but it feels like it happened yesterday.

I have children, still young (all under 13) and I want to protect them from knowing the 'ugly truth' about their Dad. At the same time, it is so hard, when they would see me down and think that I was just not happy mommy and had no idea why. 

If they were older, I most likely would tell them what is going on, at least enough so they understand. I agree with what you did. Your son needs to know so he can build his relationship with his father based on truth.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

hookares said:


> My ex told her two kids about our divorce before handing me the papers. Even told them I wasn't their father. I paid off both of their college tuitions and haven't even heard from them since.
> Did get a message from the oldest, (boy) criticizing me for being too stupid to realize what was going on.
> Never bothered to answer because he couldn't have been more right.


Does he know you paid his college tuition or no?

I would have asked who's your daddy too? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

highwood said:


> That is my worst fear..that our son will continue to despise his dad and look at me like I am a victim and am putting up with this.


It's important to note that in my case my Dad continued his affair, lied, blameshifted, etc and my mom was not doing anything concrete about it other than begging and getting me involved with it.

If your son sees you putting down boundaries and his dad adhering to them he will learn a valuable lesson


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