# Weird feeling about DH's coworker



## lc89 (Oct 24, 2018)

I'll start this off by saying that my only other serious relationship prior to my husband, I was cheated on. SO I feel like I'm a bit paranoid about this sort of thing. Also from my previous post you can see my husband had a history of lying to me, mainly about finances. We have extensively worked on this issue since it unfolded and I feel like we are well on our way to overcoming it. Now, onto the subject...

My husband works with a lady that I am pretty sure has a crush on my husband, and I feel like my husband occasionally facilitates her behavior. The very first time I met her, was a couple years ago at a work Holiday party. I just immediately had a weird vibe about her -- couldn't put my finger on it. Didn't think much of it. About 8 or 9 months ago my husband starts mentioning her name a lot when talking about his work day. I start wondering why he sees her so much, they don't work in the same department. My husband works in employee services, and turns out any time she needs something, she only asks him even though there are others in my husband's department who could help her. 

We were at another work party this past fall and she is there. They were talking about how they get so many work emails that if someone really needs to get a hold of them, the best route is to text them. You know, normal office talk. This coworker in question randomly announces that my husband is the ONLY coworker who also has her personal number (vs work number). I'm thinking, Ok..why would she feel the need to announce that, especially with me sitting right next to her?

So I get a little suspicious. I know my husbands phone passwords and he always leaves them out and accessible and we use eachother's phones for random things all the time. I go through both his work & personal phone and read the text logs from her. Mostly it's all work related, but it's frequent. She is always hitting him up for help. Then there are a few things that make me raise an eyebrow.

They have work happy hours once a month, and if my husband isn't there she will text him and say something like, "Get here!"
They get free lunches a couple times a month served in one of the conference rooms and she always texts him to let him know & ask if he's coming.
They had a work field trip a couple months ago. There was alcohol involved. She texted him later that evening and said, "Thanks for today. Had fun!" and also a few minutes later with a photo of her that was taken at the work field trip saying, "OMG why didn't you tell me my boobs were hanging out of my top?!"

She texted him one morning and said, 
"I need you."
"I need your assistance, I mean. Hah, that sounded bad."
And on another occasion, 
"Hey I need help with computer. Can you come up to my desk or should I come to you?"
my husband responded, "Yeah pretty busy, just come down to the lab."
Her: "What's that, your secret room?"
Him: "No, just my regular office."

Separate occasion,
Her: "Can you come unlock door (at xyz location)". It's just me, I'm alone."

There are others but this is the summary. As far as my husband's responses, most of the time he will just respond with "lol" to her silly remarks or keep it strictly to a professional response. BUT the frequency of how often her name came up when he talked about work bothered me. He also let me know one day, when talking about work, that he saw her walking out to her car as he was driving off and he honked at her to get her attention and showed her the new car he just bought. I know my husband, he was definitely doing this to impress her/show off. 

I made a remark to him asking why he talks about her so much, and now he rarely brings her up. Hm. I also told him how I immediately got a weird vibe from her the first time I met her, and he seemed uneasy about my comment.

I don't think anything has actually happened between them, but I think my husband may like the attention. It makes me uncomfortable, but I also feel like I am probably sensitive and paranoid. 

Thoughts?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Ima just throw this out there.
Almost all of the time it turns out that your gut should be trusted.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

She needs to be told in no uncertain terms by your husband (and possibly you) that her flirtations are to be stopped immediately. She's gross.

And as for your husband, his answers do seem professional and on the up and up, but that's not good enough. He needs to tell her to keep it professional and to stop with her comments. He's not helping the situation by keeping quiet. He also needs to punt her to other coworkers when she incessantly comes to him for help.

This must be squashed immediately.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> She needs to be told in no uncertain terms by your husband (and possibly you) that her flirtations are to be stopped immediately. She's gross.
> 
> And as for your husband, his answers do seem professional and on the up and up, but that's not good enough. He needs to tell her to keep it professional and to stop with her comments. He's not helping the situation by keeping quiet. He also needs to punt her to other coworkers when she incessantly comes to him for help.
> 
> This must be squashed immediately.


Agreed.

Some people can be naive when it comes to this sort of thing.

"But he/she knows Im married. They arent interested in me." :banghead:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It doesnt sound to me like he is returning her flirty behavior, but he hasnt put a stop to it either. It sounds like an awkward situation. Let him know that you are not comfortable with her and their frequent exchanges. He needs to let her know that personal texts are not ok going forward, and you should be invited to the monthly happy hour, sounds like maybe you need to do a little mate guarding to me. She knows about you obviously, but seeing you looking amazing and maybe clinging onto your H some may help get the point across. Best to nip this in bud NOW before it becomes a bigger issue.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She's willing and fishing. From what you've posted it doesn't sound like anything YET but that's how it gets started.

Get the book "Not Just Friends" by Glass and both of you read it together.

This isn't just your gut talking. Remain cool calm and collected but get this discussion started. Explain it from a woman's point of view.

Be safe rather than sorry. Your H maybe kinda dumb and think it's harmless but it's not.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> It doesnt sound to me like he is returning her flirty behavior, but he hasnt put a stop to it either. It sounds like an awkward situation. Let him know that you are not comfortable with her and their frequent exchanges. He needs to let her know that personal texts are not ok going forward, and you should be invited to the monthly happy hour, sounds like maybe you need to do a little mate guarding to me. She knows about you obviously, but seeing you looking amazing and maybe clinging onto your H some may help get the point across. Best to nip this in bud NOW before it becomes a bigger issue.


What kind of affairs are the hardest to pin down?
What kind of affairs are almost always mis-diagnosed til it's too late?

Yup...Work affairs!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes she is very much flirting, and he needs to do what he can to ignore her and discourage her behaviour. If she send a flirty text then he shouldn't reply and only help her out when he absolutely HAS to and no one else can. NO communication unless its entirely work related and none outside work. No meeting alone ever. 
When she said that about having your husband's phone number she was trying to make you jealous. She is trouble with a capitol T. 
I assume she is single?


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## lc89 (Oct 24, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Yes she is very much flirting, and he needs to do what he can to ignore her and discourage her behaviour. If she send a flirty text then he shouldn't reply and only help her out when he absolutely HAS to and no one else can. NO communication unless its entirely work related and none outside work. No meeting alone ever.
> When she said that about having your husband's phone number she was trying to make you jealous. She is trouble with a capitol T.
> I assume she is single?



Nope, not single! She's married with 2 young kids. We're both Facebook friends with her and she's also always bragging on how wonderful her husband is. 

Thank you everyone for your replies so far. When I first brought all this up to my husband, he was surprised, didn't think anything of her actions. I was sitting right next to him when she sent the text talking about her boobs. He seemed a bit shocked at the text, but chalked it up to her being a bit tipsy since the work function they just came from had alcohol.
He doesn't have the greatest physical self esteem and told me he didn't think she was flirting because how could someone find HIM attractive. 

We did have a sit down talk and went over what she said, I asked him how he would feel if the roles were reversed and a guy at my workplace was sending me texts like that. He agreed he wouldn't like it, but said that he felt like it was different coming from men, and didn't think she meant it in any appropriate way because she is married and has children.

He has since limited his responses to her texts, and from what I can see has started to reply in a way that doesn't encourage any conversation. The other day she was texting him in the evening (about work stuff) and I asked what she was talking to him about, and he just immediately handed me his phone so I could read it myself.

The work happy hours that they have are on-campus, otherwise I'd definitely go. She has invited him out to bars after work hours with other coworkers and he has declined. 

It makes me uncomfortable that I can't see & hear how she acts/what they talk about in person at work. She is part of the same social circle of his other work friends, so even if he avoided her she'd still be in close proximity. I think this is me being paranoid.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

It's good you two sat down and had a serious discussion about it.

I do think it's still dangerous for three reasons: your reported low physical self esteem of your husband, his belief it's "different" when men flirt (it's not!), and he doesn't believe it's inappropriate because she's married.

I'm not saying he WILL cheat. So please don't mistake my thoughts about that. I think he is doing well, especially when he handed his phone to you when they were texting off hours.

I'm saying the ground is pretty damn ripe for it if he were to decide what the hell. Particularly damning is her blatant comment about her boobs. Gross. 

Keep communication open with your H. If she is still coming on strong after his changed tone of his texts, he needs have a stern conversation with her and tell her to step off-he's happily married and not interested.

FWIW I would unfriend, block or whatever it is you do on FB (your H too) this woman. She is certainly no friend of yours or your marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lc89 said:


> Nope, not single! She's married with 2 young kids. We're both Facebook friends with her and she's also always bragging on how wonderful her husband is.
> 
> Thank you everyone for your replies so far. When I first brought all this up to my husband, he was surprised, didn't think anything of her actions. I was sitting right next to him when she sent the text talking about her boobs. He seemed a bit shocked at the text, but chalked it up to her being a bit tipsy since the work function they just came from had alcohol.
> He doesn't have the greatest physical self esteem and told me he didn't think she was flirting because how could someone find HIM attractive.
> ...


Well of course its no different if its a man, and him thinking that she wouldn't try anything because she is married with children is incredibly naïve. 
Still he is making that effort, so that's positive.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I would download those text exhcanges and keep them in a safe place. You never know when she might accuse your husband of inappropriate behavior.

I would consider in my mind scnearios of wht could happen if you showed them (1) to her and (2) to her boss.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> Ima just throw this out there.
> Almost all of the time it turns out that your gut should be trusted.


Very, very true. NEVER ignore your gut.

Secondly, just because SHE'S stupid enough to text inappropriate things to your husband doesn't mean HE'S stupid enough to do it too. I've known many slippery cheating married men over the years who follow the golden rule of never putting anything in writing that can implicate you or bite you in the ass down the road. Your husband's responses seem almost too abrupt, like he's doing it on purpose to cover his ass. And his cold, abrupt replies sure don't match his 'enthusiasm' when it comes to talking about his special friend or hanging out with her, does it? Another point to be noted is that he works in Employee Services which kind of sounds like HR to me (or a close second to it), which means he's acutely aware of exactly how much damage he could do to himself if he were stupid enough to take the bait and text back with more flirty or risque answers. So I really believe his short text answers are due to "CYA."

What he says to her in PERSON, however, is likely a *whole different story*.



> He agreed he wouldn't like it, but said that he felt like it was different coming from men, and didn't think she meant it in any appropriate way because she is married and has children.


That's one of the best defenses these guys use when they're in the hot seat. They feign plain old ignorance with those big wide puppy dog eyes because _*gosh and golly gee*_, he's just an innocent guy doing his job and had no CLUE that anything untoward was going on! Oh the horror of it all! And to think this was all going on right under his blissfully ignorant nose! Let's just chalk this all up to him being a big, clueless dummy who was completely unaware of the black widow spider who was trying to entice him, because it had all gone right over his innocent and unknowing head! 

What a crock of crap.

I repeat, NEVER ignore your gut. It was screaming to you for a reason, and not because she's evil and he's a saint. Nope.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This is a bonafide do not ignore your gut circumstance. 

The more blunt, and focused but short and sweet conversation with H, the better.

Very blunt, but don't keep harping on it after you've been very, very clear to H it appears there's something going on and you're sure he's understood how his behavior is impacting your M. 

Then let his answers, body language, and following actions speak for him, and afterwards you'll have the answers needed.

It will be hard not to keep reacting to his verbal answers but try and hold off interrupting him or reacting with glares, looks, humphs, etc.

When he stops talking let his answers stand.

If you have to keep jabbing at this to get him to dribble and parse out answers and information, he likely won't be telling the whole truth at that point, maybe outright lying.

It's going to be hard. Easier said than done but not asking him the same thing over and over again will be better for your frame of mind and future marital interactions. 

Be prepared to accept he may choose actions furthering the divide between you two. Tragic, but is a real possibility. 

At some point you've got to take the first steps in planning what if scenarios. 

And that will include a what if you two came to impasse or emotional split. 

Are you prepared to support yourself financially and emotionally during a separation or D?

I'm pulling for H waking up and realizing you're the most important person in the world to him. 

If he doesn't, you have to realize you are important too, and deserve happiness.

The fact you have to spend so much time and so many brain cells to investigate H's ability to be truthful to you is very telling, and not good.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lc89 said:


> Nope, not single! She's married with 2 young kids. We're both Facebook friends with her and she's also always bragging on how wonderful her husband is.
> 
> Thank you everyone for your replies so far. When I first brought all this up to my husband, he was surprised, didn't think anything of her actions. I was sitting right next to him when she sent the text talking about her boobs. He seemed a bit shocked at the text, but chalked it up to her being a bit tipsy since the work function they just came from had alcohol.
> He doesn't have the greatest physical self esteem and told me he didn't think she was flirting because how could someone find HIM attractive.
> ...


Well, since YOU are the one who knows him, is his cluelessness genuine in your opinion? Sometimes people just dont pick up on these things because that is not where their mind goes. (which to me is positive) I get the feeling he just hasnt been sure how to handle her, based on this conversation and his text responses to her. 




lc89 said:


> He has since limited his responses to her texts, and from what I can see has started to reply in a way that doesn't encourage any conversation. The other day she was texting him in the evening (about work stuff) and I asked what she was talking to him about, and he just immediately handed me his phone so I could read it myself.


THIS is positive, he knows it bugs you, so he is being open. However he needs to do what he can to get her to stop texting him outside of work hours. Was she working evening hours when she was texting this time? If not then anything work related can wait until everyone is actually AT work. 



lc89 said:


> The work happy hours that they have are on-campus, otherwise I'd definitely go. *She has invited him out to bars after work hours with other coworkers and he has declined.*


This is good. 



lc89 said:


> It makes me uncomfortable that I can't see & hear how she acts/what they talk about in person at work. She is part of the same social circle of his other work friends, so even if he avoided her she'd still be in close proximity. I think this is me being paranoid.


I can imagine her being a bit over the top, and he probably isnt sure what to do with her in person either, just like when she gets going over text. 

Normally I am not one to side with or defend the accused spouse in these kinds of matters, but the vibe I get from what you have posted isnt negative towards him. For whatever MY opinion is worth LOL...


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## lc89 (Oct 24, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Well, since YOU are the one who knows him, is his cluelessness genuine in your opinion? Sometimes people just dont pick up on these things because that is not where their mind goes. (which to me is positive) I get the feeling he just hasnt been sure how to handle her, based on this conversation and his text responses to her.


Eh, yeah I think it's genuine. The first time I brought up to him that I thought she was flirting with him, he didn't see it at all. After the texts regarding her boobs, and the one saying "I need you. I mean, I need your assistance. Hah, that sounded bad". He agreed with me.






> THIS is positive, he knows it bugs you, so he is being open. However he needs to do what he can to get her to stop texting him outside of work hours. Was she working evening hours when she was texting this time? If not then anything work related can wait until everyone is actually AT work.


He had actually just gotten home and I was sitting next to him on our living room chair, so very close which is why I saw the convo. He brought out his phone and checked his messages to wrap up any last minute work things. He tends to get home around 4:30 PM and continues to help/talk to work people till 5 when most other people leave. 

There was an occasion probably a couple months ago where she texted him at 7PM and although he read it, he said "eh, she can wait". He DOES know it bothers me and I think he's making an effort to minimize interaction with her.





> I can imagine her being a bit over the top, and he probably isnt sure what to do with her in person either, just like when she gets going over text.
> 
> Normally I am not one to side with or defend the accused spouse in these kinds of matters, but the vibe I get from what you have posted isnt negative towards him. For whatever MY opinion is worth LOL...


I forgot to mention that at their last work happy hour that he attended (also a couple months ago, he didn't attend the last one), she personally messaged me on Facebook,while they were at the happy hour, to let me know about something funny my husband had just said in their social group during happy hour. Gave me a weird vibe. It was almost like she WANTED me to know they were talking.


Ragnar Ragnasson, I agree it isn't good that I've had to question his truthfulness in the past. I failed to mention that the past post I made about finding out about this financial lies and this situation all unfolded at the same time. We've thoroughly talked through everything and I feel positive about his current habits of transparency, etc. I just still think about the past quite frequently and kind of feel like I almost have PTSD. I'll go a few weeks and not stress about it, then I'll have a random dream or something else random will happen and I replay the past scenario/talks in my head again. I have made the mistake of continuing to bring it up, basically just having the same convo over and over. I know this isn't good for me, him, or our marriage and although I do feel like I'm getting better about it, I still bring things up every month or so and need to stop doing that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The two of them are the only ones who know for sure but always listen to your gut and stay vigilant. 

My experience was that I ignored a few subtle signs, and didn't listen to my gut, for many years. Why? Because I was absolutely positive that my ultra-upstanding husband couldn't possibly cheat. And I was really, really wrong.


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

I think this sounds really weird and that your husband ought to be on his guard because she sounds like a potential problem. 

I find the fact that she made the effort to message you on Facebook that she'd spoken to your husband very strange. 

Her messages are flirtatious and not appropriate. 

Personally I think your husband ought to take action at work, but what action depends on the culture of his workplace. I would consider going to HR to raise concerns that her conduct towards him isn't professional. That depends on whether or not he has a HR department and whether or not he thinks they would listen. 

I think he needs to be very careful here.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Woolyjumpers said:


> I think this sounds really weird and that your husband ought to be on his guard because she sounds like a potential problem.
> 
> I find the fact that she made the effort to message you on Facebook that she'd spoken to your husband very strange.
> 
> Her messages are flirtatious and not appropriate.


She def sounds like an attention hore. I wonder how many other male coworkers she does the same things with....


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> She def sounds like an attention hore. I wonder how many other male coworkers she does the same things with....


Your right!! 

I could think of a few other things also. She is
stroking his ego and I think in a way he likes it but knows 
it is wrong. If she doesn't work in his department then he 
should cut of as much contact with her as possible. If she 
is doing this type of thing at work, then office gossip and rumors
are running wild. He may find himself accused of something he 
didn't even do. Affair with a married coworker, or sexual harassment!!

She is up to something because she brags about him talking to her.
Her boobs, and drinks are not professional and just trouble.
Get her off of your FB and have him change his phone number.
Keep a copy of all of the text messages just in case she doesn't 
handle being rejected in a good way. He may not really see how
dangerous this thing ( I am trying to be nice ) really is for him. 

She has something in mind even if he doesn't. You are not wrong 
but 100 % right to be concerned. Keep talking to him about this 
and explain how office rumors and gossip could cause him problems.
He needs to stop this right now, if not maybe you should tell him you 
will. 

Tell her she is gross, nasty ( boobs really ) and disgusting. 
What about her own husband if he finds out or maybe he 
doesn't care or makes the same excuses for her ridiculous 
behavior!! 

Cut this person off quickly, she is trouble !!
Stay on top of this, and vigilant


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What would prevent anyone here from repsonding directly to this woman:

1. by your spouse's phone saying that you have access to his text messages so she needs to stop this behavior

or

2. contacting her through your channels, showing the text exchanges and telling her to stop.

Now that I am older and wiser and from the experiences with my exhusband, he may have balked initially but I think he preferred standing up for myself instead of always depending on him.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

OK, I haven't read all the responses, but I see red flags everywhere.

My ex husband left me for a co-worker (after having numerous other affairs). I never suspected, but he did bring her name up a lot, but still I never suspected. Part of the reason for my non suspicion is I thought she was gay. Guess I was wrong, she's just kind of a masculine energy straight woman. 

Looking back, if she had been a more feminine energy woman, I probably would have been suspicious, because looking back it was rather obvious. Also, I tend to be OVER trusting.

I would keep a very close eye on this. Sounds like a affair in progress or an affair waiting to happen.

Good luck to you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

RubyRing said:


> OK, I haven't read all the responses, but I see red flags everywhere.
> 
> My ex husband left me for a co-worker (after having numerous other affairs). I never suspected, but he did bring her name up a lot, but still I never suspected. Part of the reason for my non suspicion is I thought she was gay. Guess I was wrong, she's just kind of a masculine energy straight woman.
> 
> ...


This is why I don't trust any remarks like:

1. she's fat
2. she's ugly
3. she's a lesbian
4. she has a bf / husband
5. I don't like her all that much anyway.......

Judge the behavior not the words


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> What would prevent anyone here from repsonding directly to this woman:
> 
> 1. by your spouse's phone saying that you have access to his text messages so she needs to stop this behavior
> 
> ...




This. :iagree: 

Address it straight on, directly to the offender. 

Write her a note on FB (not on any of his work stuff).

“You are a friendly person. I know my hubby values you as part of the team at work. I want to let you know he shares your texts with me and they sometimes make me uncomfortable. I am not saying that is your intent, but this is how it affects me. I cherish my marriage and will always protect it. I respond to any concerns quickly. As a wife and mom, you most likely understand. Going forward, please only contact my husband, during work hours, and about work. I appreciate your respect of us and our family unit.”


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

So, I hope you know you have grounds for a lawsuit. Her constant communication, telling him she needs him, and the just the mention of boobs is sexual harassment if he wanted to make a work claim. Even though I know he doesn't want to do that, you surely could. You should copy those texts and send each and every one of them to yourself and take them to his HR department. If they won't do anything about it, then those texts are grounds for you to file an alienation of affection lawsuit because she is clearly pursuing vigorously and frequently by always making herself out to be a damsel in distress.

And if she needs help with her computer, why would she suggest going to him? Is she unplugging the computer to take to him? No she is not going to do that. Maybe they use laptops, but I still think it was entirely unnecessary for her to contact him regarding her computer. He works in employee services, not tech support.

It was code between the two of them. You could never prove they have been doing anything at work, but much of their conversations sounds like code to be in each other's company, yet make it appear that it's all work-related so that's all they would have to say and nobody could prove otherwise. You rely too heavily on his responses in that they seem innocent and not complicit, but they know what it all means. You are the one who doesn't know.

And get this: Any mention of her boob to him - just that she had the nerve to mention it - means she was comfortable in mentioning it, which means he is well familiar with her boobs and/or she was being suggestive.

You need to speak with an attorney familiar with alienation of affection. He might say none of it is proof that anything goes on between them, but it's worth the consultation because it is surely how these work affair things begin, and she is surely making it clear that she's trying to start one.

This part will be difficult for you to imagine doing because you wouldn't want to face the fallout from him, but you need to contact HR and tell them to make that woman stay away from your husband. If you ask your husband to tell her to stop, he will lie to you, he will defend her by saying she doesn't mean any harm or some other silliness, and he doesn't want her to stay away from him anyway. He very much enjoys her attention, and like I said, I am pretty sure they already have something going on anyway. Even if he did as you ask and tells her to leave him alone, he will miss her, and that will prompt them to WANT to be together and take their contact outside of the office. So, it has to be ugly in order to put a stop to it, so you have to go to HR. 

You might get lucky and they fire her for sexual harassment from the boob comment and from her talking about needing him and then laughing about it when all she had to do was erase it and send a much less suggestive and more appropriate text. But no, she sent it because needing him was the message she wanted to get across to him. Again, it was their code.

Both of those - the boob comment and the needing him comment - are inappropriate. They are both sexual harassment. You need HR to deal with her.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I'm reading the responses you received, and I see some people told you to contact her, but I hope you won't do that. I have no idea what they think contacting her will accomplish. What you will be doing is handing your husband over to her because no matter how nicely or how innocently you word it, she will take it as an accusation. Even if she and he are knocking boots at work every chance they can create, to themselves they are innocent since no one knows what they are up to, and nobody likes being accused of anything.

She already plays the damsel in distress. She will take your communication as an accusation and tell your husband "Look what your wife did to me!" He, in turn, will defend her. He'll yell and scream at you for contacting her and accusing her of doing wrong that she's innocent of. Again, even if they have been doing something, they will both be highly offended by you expressing your discomfort to HER.

If they have not done anything, the wife contacting the potential other woman is the type of thing that brings people together. They will couple with you as the common enemy.

Take logical routes and go to an attorney and to HR. She has sexually harassed your husband in several ways. Let them handle it. It's their job.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I'm still reading through the responses and have to say you are the only innocent one in this triangle. Your husband is not innocent. He is not naive like you think he is. They never are. Every single solitary thing he has said to you are textbook responses.

He deceived you before, and he is deceiving you now. That's all there is to it because deceptive is the kind of man he is. While you're still struggling and trying to get over the last one, here is this one. Something entirely different, but here it is nonetheless. Obviously, I can't prove they are doing anything so even if they haven't, he is very adept at deception, hiding his true self, and making you think he doesn't get what she is up to and making you think he doesn't consider himself worthy of any woman wanting him. What did that say about you? You married him after all. It was just a lie to throw you off and make you think he doesn't think much of himself so that's not what she's up to. He's not stupid. He can figure her out just like you did. You just have to learn to figure HIM out, and he's deceiving you once again.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Maybe you need to contact HER husband and show him the texts, and ask if HE thinks her texting YOUR husband about her boobs is appropriate work conversation?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

StarFires said:


> I'm reading the responses you received, and I see some people told you to contact her, but I hope you won't do that. I have no idea what they think contacting her will accomplish.


I couldn't agree more.

What are we, in high school here? I remember those silly dumb-ass drama queens acting like fools and telling each other to stay away from their boyfriends, like THAT was going to magically solve everything and turn their boyfriends into loyal lap dogs. 

OP, unless you're his MOTHER and he's 12 year old boy who *needs* to be protected from the big bad female predator, please don't make a fool of yourself and contact this woman. You'd look paranoid, desperate, and childish to everyone concerned. And MORE so, you'd make your husband look like a powerless little idiot who can't wipe his own butt and needs his 'mommy' wife to do it for him. And lastly, if your husband is THAT untrustworthy that you have to scare off a woman because HE won't do it, then what does *that *tell you? It tells you that he enjoys it and *that's* why he hasn't stopped it. His wide-eyed innocent look might work on you, but most of us can see right through it. 

You can't MAKE him stop desiring her by chasing her off. *She's *not your problem. HE is.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I couldn't agree more.
> 
> What are we, in high school here? I remember those silly dumb-ass drama queens acting like fools and telling each other to stay away from their boyfriends, like THAT was going to magically solve everything and turn their boyfriends into loyal lap dogs.
> 
> ...


My favorite story that I heard from one of salespeople at LargeCorp that I worked was about how the Director of Marketing was having an affair with one of the saleswomen. The husband of said saleswoman descended upon the parking lot of the said Marketing Director and had a word with him.......... _ if you know what I mean._


After that, he was demoted and my "informer" told me that really ignore each other t work events.

I think the OP needs to get these text messages to her husband's boss. I can think of 2 problems arising out of doing nothing: 1) the pursuing woman may decided to accuse her husband of pursuing him. Showing the text messages ex post facto are going to only raise questions as to why the husband did not do something sooner....... 2) the husband could be accused of favoring the pursuing woman and then this inappropriate relationship gets uncovered. Sexual harassment does cover third parties who feel as if they passed over for a coworker who was ****ing the boss. So even a man could make this complaint.

It would also be better to show these texts at a time when the husband is resisting the chase.

I don't think exposing this matter to the right third party is about being a drama queen in high school. If the husband doesn't like it, he can divorce her _"sorry"_ ass.

Let's see who blinks first.


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## lc89 (Oct 24, 2018)

Interestingly enough, the last time my H and I had a discussion about her and her flirty behavior, he suggested that I contact her and take it up with her, for lack of a better phrase. 
He feels that he has done his part by limiting contact with her, etc. 

I haven't done that because it just seems like unnecessary drama.


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

Spicy said:


> This. :iagree:
> 
> Address it straight on, directly to the offender.
> 
> ...


Excellent suggestion !


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I think you need to look at the overall picture of your relationship with your husband and not just these text messages. How does he act towards you? Has he been acting distant? Does he spend the same amount of time with you? Is your sex life different? Has he started "grooming" himself more or differently? If you've been cheated on before, you probably know the signs unfortunately.

I'd hate to condemn the man because he is the target of a woman who clearly needs lots of attention and has poor boundaries. You didn't post his responses other than his completely disinterested "no just my regular office" text which, to me, implies he really didn't get that she was flirting at all. What was his response about the boob picture? 

His willingness to hand the phone right over to you shows he has nothing to hide (from the phone at least.) And him telling you to take it up with her tells me that he's getting tired of defended himself, especially if he's done nothing wrong. It's not ok to make your current husband pay the price for your previous partner's misdeeds but I'd guess you know that. I'd say if you really need peace of mind, spend the cash on a PI and see what they dig up. If it's nothing, leave the poor man alone. If something turns up, well, you'll have your answer. But, don't be surprised if your husband gets very angry if he finds out. Might be better to have the PI follow this woman around.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

lc89 said:


> Interestingly enough, the last time my H and I had a discussion about her and her flirty behavior, he suggested that I contact her and take it up with her, for lack of a better phrase.
> He feels that he has done his part by limiting contact with her, etc.
> 
> I haven't done that because it just seems like unnecessary drama.


I just don't think your husband has done enough on his end to end her flirting. I'm not saying he likes it or eggs it on. I'm saying he needs to tell her to her face to STOP IT-he's happily married and he or you don't appreciate her flirtations. Clearly his other efforts aren't working and she's not getting the hint.

And I realize most men may balk at this suggestion because it isn't very macho or dude-like. So I told my husband about this thread and asked if he would do as I suggest and tell the coworker in no uncertain terms to tell her to stop. He didn't hesitate and said yes, of course he would because it made me feel uncomfortable and it wasn't cool.

Your husband should be mate guarding you.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

lc89 said:


> Interestingly enough, the last time my H and I had a discussion about her and her flirty behavior, he suggested that I contact her and take it up with her, for lack of a better phrase.
> He feels that he has done his part by limiting contact with her, etc.
> 
> I haven't done that because it just seems like unnecessary drama.


That's a cop out. 

If she's still pushing, he hasn't done enough. It's as simple as that. A wife deserves to know that her husband will do whatever it takes to protect the marriage. 

I just don't understand a man who asks his wife to resolve his situation for him.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> I think you need to look at the overall picture of your relationship with your husband and not just these text messages. How does he act towards you? Has he been acting distant? Does he spend the same amount of time with you? Is your sex life different? Has he started "grooming" himself more or differently? If you've been cheated on before, you probably know the signs unfortunately.
> 
> I'd hate to condemn the man because he is the target of a woman who clearly needs lots of attention and has poor boundaries. You didn't post his responses other than his completely disinterested "no just my regular office" text which, to me, implies he really didn't get that she was flirting at all. What was his response about the boob picture?
> 
> His willingness to hand the phone right over to you shows he has nothing to hide (from the phone at least.) And him telling you to take it up with her tells me that he's getting tired of defended himself, especially if he's done nothing wrong. It's not ok to make your current husband pay the price for your previous partner's misdeeds but I'd guess you know that. I'd say if you really need peace of mind, spend the cash on a PI and see what they dig up. If it's nothing, leave the poor man alone. If something turns up, well, you'll have your answer. But, don't be surprised if your husband gets very angry if he finds out. Might be better to have the PI follow this woman around.


I get the feeling that her H is very conflict avoidant so the idea of telling her directly to knock it off may make him feel panicky. He needs to do it anyway, because Ic is very uncomfortable with all of it and it is his responsibility to help protect the marriage.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

lc89 said:


> Interestingly enough, the last time my H and I had a discussion about her and her flirty behavior, he suggested that I contact her and take it up with her, for lack of a better phrase.
> He feels that he has done his part by limiting contact with her, etc.
> 
> I haven't done that because it just seems like unnecessary drama.


He seems to be, even if it is a little enjoying the attention.
If she works in another section why any contact at all?
I would not rule out contacting her, but he may think this 
will make you out to be the bad person and not him.

Does she still text him or call ?
If she does then that isn't limiting contact ?
Maybe tell him you think you should complain 
to HR. See how he reacts then. Keep checking 
his phone also.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

He clearly has not addressed the situation appropriately or it would have ceased. 

I would have a difficult time respecting a husband who is so weak and avoidant, or alternately soaking up the attention. Both are disgusting.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I would get involved because if my husband lost his job due to some female co-worker turning on him, well, that affects me. And these days, that's ****ing important since i have Stage 4 carcinoma and we need the health insurance.

No one cares if you held back because you felt you were taking the high ground.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Both of you need to stop this person.

Her stupidity will only cause you both
grieve and heartache.


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## lc89 (Oct 24, 2018)

notmyjamie said:


> I think you need to look at the overall picture of your relationship with your husband and not just these text messages. How does he act towards you? Has he been acting distant? Does he spend the same amount of time with you? Is your sex life different? Has he started "grooming" himself more or differently? If you've been cheated on before, you probably know the signs unfortunately.


No, no behavior change at all that I can see. He's affectionate and our sex life is consistent. I honestly wouldn't have thought anything was fishy at all if it weren't for the weird vibe I got from HER when I was in her presence. That's when I started investigating.


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## lc89 (Oct 24, 2018)

sa58 said:


> He seems to be, even if it is a little enjoying the attention.
> If she works in another section why any contact at all?
> I would not rule out contacting her, but he may think this
> will make you out to be the bad person and not him.
> ...


My husband provides support (technical and other) to all departments of the company. But, they don't directly work together on projects, etc. She hasn't ever called him that I am aware of. 
To be completely fair and give credit to my husband, he has started to 'assign' his other co-workers to help her, but she still goes directly to my husband first. I haven't seen any obvious flirty messages in a little other a month, but she is still overtly friendly in her correspondence IMO. The last time she contacted him about something non work-related was last week. She texted him a photo of an invitation design to her husband's birthday party. My husband used to work in graphic design so she wanted his opinion. He gave her a few suggestions. I asked my husband how this came about in the first place, since there weren't any previous corresponding texts. He said she mentioned it in person to him when she came to pick up her computer from his co-worker. Him and a few other co-workers in his department share a room as an office.

I know he's tired of me grilling him about this person. He is also extremely conflict avoidant like 3Xnocharm mentioned. He has gotten a LOT better, with me, on this issue --- especially since our big 'fall out' when I found out about his previous lies. For example, the other day he came home and could see I was upset. He immediately asked me what was wrong, something he never would have done before. After we talked (it wasn't anything big), I mentioned to him that I never thought he could tell when I was upset so was surprised he asked me what was wrong. He told me he always could tell, but usually was afraid to ask in case it'd lead to an argument. For the record, we don't fight much! Hah. He just hates the possibility of it.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

lc89 said:


> My husband provides support (technical and other) to all departments of the company. But, they don't directly work together on projects, etc. She hasn't ever called him that I am aware of.
> To be completely fair and give credit to my husband, he has started to 'assign' his other co-workers to help her, but she still goes directly to my husband first. I haven't seen any obvious flirty messages in a little other a month, but she is still overtly friendly in her correspondence IMO. The last time she contacted him about something non work-related was last week. She texted him a photo of an invitation design to her husband's birthday party. My husband used to work in graphic design so she wanted his opinion. He gave her a few suggestions. I asked my husband how this came about in the first place, since there weren't any previous corresponding texts. He said she mentioned it in person to him when she came to pick up her computer from his co-worker. Him and a few other co-workers in his department share a room as an office.
> 
> I know he's tired of me grilling him about this person. He is also extremely conflict avoidant like 3Xnocharm mentioned. He has gotten a LOT better, with me, on this issue --- especially since our big 'fall out' when I found out about his previous lies. For example, the other day he came home and could see I was upset. He immediately asked me what was wrong, something he never would have done before. After we talked (it wasn't anything big), I mentioned to him that I never thought he could tell when I was upset so was surprised he asked me what was wrong. He told me he always could tell, but usually was afraid to ask in case it'd lead to an argument. For the record, we don't fight much! Hah. He just hates the possibility of it.


Your husband is assigning coworkers to help her, but she goes to him
first. Still to friendly in correspondence, and texted a photo of an 
invitation. Either she doesn't get it, or doesn't want to. He needs to 
work on his conflict avoidance because this is headed that way. He 
is either going to have to tell her, to stop this, or go to HR about her.
She sounds like she isn't going to go away easily. She is trouble !! 

Be sure and copy as many of the flirting messages and keep them.
She may not handle rejection and start making up lies or try and 
start something else. She sounds like she may have some issues 
about being professional and maintaining proper boundaries 

Maybe she is just crazy.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

lc89 said:


> Interestingly enough, the last time my H and I had a discussion about her and her flirty behavior, he suggested that I contact her and take it up with her, for lack of a better phrase.
> He feels that he has done his part by limiting contact with her, etc.
> 
> I haven't done that because it just seems like unnecessary drama.


So he encouraged a cat fight.
???

No, don't contact her under any circumstances. For one, you can't make her that important. She will take advantage. Secondly, you can't handle it immaturely like that. But the main thing is that woman is nothing to you. She's not the one married to you, and, therefore, not the one who has any sense of obligation to you. She owes you nothing. Your husband is the one who owes you loyalty.

And besides, that he limits her contact is just something he told you he does. It's not something he has actually done. If he did, she would not contact for any reason that is not work-related and specifically pertaining to his own job description because he would have told her not to. He has formulated so many words and expressions to convince you of his innocence, but he hasn't actually done anything to show his sincerity. The only thing he has done is suggested you fight her for him. That is so funny....and ridiculous. He just as easily could tell her to stop calling and texting him. Stop listening to his words he uses to pull the wool over your eyes. Start looking at his actions. The words "limiting her contact" are only used for you, on you because he knows you will fall for them, but he could have stopped her by now if that is what he wanted to do. And, frankly, he could have gotten her in a lot of trouble over her sexual harassment if he wanted to stop her. There are lots of things he could have done. Instead, they speak in codes to be in each other's company.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

lc89 said:


> Interestingly enough, the last time my H and I had a discussion about her and her flirty behavior, *he suggested that I contact her and take it up with her, for lack of a better phrase. *
> He feels that he has done his part by limiting contact with her, etc.
> 
> I haven't done that because it just seems like unnecessary drama.


 Your response should have been "No, I'd just let your HR department take care of it."
I expect you would have his undivided attention after that.


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## jimeni (Aug 26, 2018)

I don't know you or your husband, but it sounds like your husband has either already cheated on you or has come very close/intends to.

1) He's lied to you before --> he has shown you that he does not mind deceiving you. Also, I don't know how you found out he lied to you before, but now that he has been caught in a lie, he will be much, much more careful to not be caught a second time. In other words, he will be a better, more cautious liar.
2) He knows that contact with this woman bothers you --> yet they are still in contact, despite not 'needing' to be
3) She is exhibiting possessive behavior of YOUR husband --> very big red flag for me. The bringing up that he is the only person at work that has her number in front of you? The messaging you on facebook to let you know the oh-so-funny thing he said? She is marking her territory.
4) Your gut tells you that something is not right --> trust your instincts. Your brain will want definite proof. Your heart knows better. When I've been cheated on in the past, I've always made this mistake, so I can hardly fault you for it. I think it is natural that for some reason we want PROOF - a smoking gun, like catching them in bed together or texted love confessions - which in reality most cheating partners are not stupid enough to let that type of thing slip. So everything is subtle. Which makes it so hard to pinpoint and so easy to convince yourself that it is all in your head and everything is fine. Your description of 'it would bother me for a few weeks, then subside, then come back' reminds me very much of when I was cheated on. We squash down these instincts and put it out of our mind, but they will come bubbling back to the surface again. 

Also, just to give another perspective, I have been on the flip side of this - having a boss that is married be inappropriately flirtatious with me (I'm married). True, at first I dismissed it as him 'just being friendly' (although he certainly wasn't texting me all the time... that's more than friendly) but he essentially transferred departments and then requested that I be transferred to his department (even though where I was working was more understaffed). It was approved, since he is higher up the food chain, but all of this and his general behavior made me worry he was feeling me out to see if I would have an affair with him. Red flags I noticed 1) he was overly touchy at work (touch my shoulder/arm while talking, touch the small of my back while talking or when he came up to me) 2) he would NEVER talk about his wife or children and had no pictures of them in his office 3) he would go out of his way to spend time with me when it was not needed professionally. What he didn't do: Put anything in writing. He was often very flirty and made many inappropriate comments, but all of his written communication was SUPER professional, almost overly so given how he behaved around me in person. Once I decided what was going on was weird, I shut it down by avoiding anything nonwork related and incessantly asking about his wife and kids anytime he started chatting about life outside work or made 'joking' inappropriate comments. If I couldn't bring them up, I brought up my husband. It obviously made him uncomfortable to discuss his family with me, especially his wife. He eventually stopped with his 'touchiness' and excessive flirtation. Takeaway: it's really not that difficult to discourage someone from flirting with you. 

Also, I imagine if I had been unhappy in my marriage and the type of person apt to cheat when I am unhappy, as he was probably hoping, and we did have an affair, then it wouldn't be so far fetched that I would grow at least somewhat attached to him and then subsequently develop aggressive feelings towards his wife, who I might resent for having to 'share' him with her. In other words... if I had an affair with him, I might become possessive of him and act towards his wife like this woman is acting towards you. She is much less subtle about her flirtations and perhaps less concerned about the possibility of getting 'caught' by her husband. Also note, her frequent claims about how amazing her husband is may very well be intended to make your husband jealous, whether or not it actually has that effect. I doubt it is because she has a true desire to reward her husband publicly for his behavior. 

Maybe this woman is just crazy and behaving erratically with no provocation whatsoever from your husband. However, that is usually not the case. Just some food for thought. If hard proof is what you need, then don't just 'put this out of your mind' - look for the proof. Fact check. Drop in at work unexpectedly to bring him a gift or lunch. Check up on his whereabouts. Best case, you find nothing. Worst case, you get the proof you need. Best of luck.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

lc89 said:


> Interestingly enough, the last time my H and I had a discussion about her and her flirty behavior, he suggested that I contact her and take it up with her, for lack of a better phrase.
> He feels that he has done his part by limiting contact with her, etc.
> 
> I haven't done that because it just seems like unnecessary drama.


Someone might've already said this but:

1) his inaction is an action in itself. Avoidance didn't work, he needs a better plan.

2) you are not his boss or the HR Department, therefore, you are not the person to which he should escalate this problem. If he feels he needs to escalate it to someone else, I think you should suggest them.

3) It is his problem. He has introduced it to the relationship. He needs to deal with it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

notmyjamie said:


> His willingness to hand the phone right over to you shows he has nothing to hide (from the phone at least.)


OMG it does NOT mean he has nothing to hide on his phone.

OP, you're smart for not acting like a fool and contacting this woman to tell her to leave your poor, innocent, child-like husband alone because he LACKS the ability to do it himself and needs his wife to _protect_ him. That's exactly what that would look like if you'd called her. I'm glad you're smart enough to see that.

I also still believe you don't have the full story. Not nearly.

But handing you the phone and telling you to call her does NOT mean he has nothing to hide. It was just a lame tactic he threw at you because he *knew* you wouldn't call her and make a fool of yourself.


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