# Leaving me is one thing, but deadbeat dad too?



## LookingForTheH20 (Jun 24, 2011)

We've been separated for 3 mos and have both decided on no reconciliation. It's for the best but now he's drifting away from my son (5) too and this puts me over the edge. I've dealt with an EA, him having sexual relations within the first couple months with someone (possibly weeks) of our split and am moving on. But him not being there for my son is tearing me up. 

He is supposed to have custody for 4 days every other week due to his 9 day on/6 day off work schedule in the field. He just informed me that he'll be going out of town for 22 days next month! My son already misses him when he's on shift and I can't imagine how he'll feel for this stretch. Makes me very angry and been crying for two days about it. He took off last month to go to the beach with friends and I covered 2 days. I work and don't have a lot of support/ money so this is really stressful.

I feel completely powerless and at his mercy and quite frankly I think he likes it. He felt so trapped being in our marriage/our family and I'm afraid he's going to be a deadbeat dad. I can't believe this is legal. Cheat on your wife, leave her, then not stick with the custody arrangement. Should I take him to court? 

Any words of encouragement or experiences are very welcomed.


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## LostJB (Aug 3, 2011)

I understand your anger as it sound smuch more for your son than for yourself. However, being in a slightly opposite situation, it might be what's best in the long run.

My STBXH wasn't around much before his A, always doing what HE wanted to do verses what was for the family. So my son (3) didn't miss him a ton when we moved out, he mostly missed his home. Now that we have a new stable place to live, he's doing much better. 

However, now that we are proceeding with divorce my H is pushing for more time with my son. I am very cautious about my son and his feelings, and I know that this reactions is a selfish one from my H. He is feeling like he's being punished and feels like he DESERVES more time. 

Something my counselor constantly tells me... You can't force people to make good decisions. You just have to be the one to exlain to your child that daddy isn't around, and that it has NOTHING to do with them. That yes daddy and mommy both love him very much, but daddy is having a hard time and can't be with him right now. 

Its a lot easier said then done. I know. and I'm dealing with this as well. Your son deserves better, and forcing your H to be with him isn't going to be good for either of them


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I suggest the book, "Helping your kids cope with divorce the sandcastle's way." It has different chapters for different ages. I read the chapter last night for my 8 year old son. He was crying Sunday night because he wouldn't see me for 3 days. That book is a very good resource in our situation. It has been very helpful for me.


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