# Anger



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

The doctor told me to write only about me and my feelings. Its very difficult to do that but I tried it, and what came out scares me.

I'm really really angry. I feel that the last 6 years I've been living in prison....I'm not mad right now, but as I wrote it I got so pissed I started banging on my keyboard. I was sweating and I felt like throwing the computer....

I feel like I've lost the last 6 years of my life.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im sorry tim. i feel like i lost the last three years of my life. i feel like it was all a stupid joke and i cant believe i was so naive. i just cant believe what a jerk my H was after everything I gave up for him. 

unfortunately my anger comes out towards him (verbal abuse) and i do break things. i can go from zero to sixty in no time flat. i realized i was getting out of control at one point so i went to counseling. i still get angry, but not as often, and i dont break things anymore nor become as verbally abusive. 

i think anger can be addicting. staying calm can get hard to do. so even though your anger comes, make sure you're not letting it take over. The one thing ive realized about anger is it needs a release. when it welds up inside it has to come out some how. if you can express how you are feeling more often, the anger can come out a little at a time and it wont be so overwhelming.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Hey,

Do you think it is time to cut bait and go on with life.

See my first post, I could/would not get over the hate etc.

Multiple sessions, heck even had drugs (made it worse).

Then the final day when wife literally fell down the entire flight of stairs like in the movies. There was no injury to her.

However in the moment of deeply laughing realized the demon in me had become me. That is when I let it free, by 
walking out the door.

You write about lost life time, well what are you doing now. The life debit card is getting larger by the day literally.


If its vengence you desire then that comes after you take the first step in recovering your life.

Decide what it shall be, you would not believe how simple it is.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

this is my suggestion. 
you have to be able to take on everyones perspective on anger.
read them carefully and from them ,take pieces of information and make your own plan on what can work for you.
so ok you have tried the doctors idea and it didnt work. but thats good because it doesnt suit your style of personality.

but i give advice, just because it doesnt the first time, doesnt mean it wont work on a second time.
so try writin your feelings again from a different point in time .
i promise i think you wont feel so angry. but you wil know if it doesnt work again at this point, then try something new.
i dont know about your circumstances or your anger.
but there are lots of avenues you can explore.
like i said it doesnt matter if something doesnt work for you, its the process of elimination thats important.
this wil help you find out who you are. your wants and needs and coping abilities and mechanisms.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Tim,

I am sorry that you're feeling so trapped an angry. It can be hard to feel that way, and not be able to get a handle on those feelings.
Justean is right, if your current style is not working, then try venting those feelings in a different way. 

anger is a natural human emotion, but it can totally take us over, if we don't keep it in check.

Also.... I know from your other posts, that your wife has done quite a bit of helping you to become this angry.

Tim... you will have to forgive her, to set the anger free, you'll have to totally forgive her. That doesn't mean excusing what she's done, or staying with her. But, to find true peace, we have to be willing to forgive. I know it sounds silly.... but that will release you, from your burden of anger, built up over the years.

Forgiving her, is not something you do for her... it's something you do for yourself. By forgiving her, you free your mind and heart, of all the internal turmoil.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Tim,

Like my post to another time for you to decide.

How long has it been, I do not beleive in instant decision making.

If it has been 6 months its time to decide.

Anger needs to vent, yes it can become vengence such as mine. I still smile in glee to hear of my ex downfalls. My demon strives on her suffering, and my life continuing.

By your decision you will find peace.

Stay, and realize its your decision. There can be no anger when yo are empowered.

Leave, you again are empowered and the world is literally yours.


So how long has it been.

If its been past 6 months time to decide.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

BUT think people make mistakes and they get lost and confused sometimes. I dont think that she didnt love you any less I just think that there are trials in life and test you need to survive.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Sunflower,

100% wrong, is the DUI person tonight that will kill somebody learning.

The spouse cheating tonight learning.

So to taking another's penetration is showing love.

Sorry but survive, a life is measured in days gone never recovered.

Need to survive why as he is the victim, tell that to a murder victim family.

Same effect its life long.

Sorry blunt is what is needed in today's mindset.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Well I think that you are 100% wrong I played strip poker and knew that was wrong not saying drinking is a excuse BUT you dont think logically when drinking and sometimes people fall off the wagon and learn lessons. IT ALL DEPENDS. what has happend I think that its stupid that they cheat for sure. Not making a excuse for that BUT sometimes people need a kick in the face and something bad to happen to see what was in front of them.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

So,

Based on your post, let the chips fall where they may.

That I can totally agree with, to push the ships under the table is not accpetable.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

huh NO no no I am not saying that I am saying if you love someone work it out but if you cant get over the hurt dont stay its only toxic for the both of you to deal with it and it will end just slowly.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Sun,

OK, that is my stance also.

Life is too short.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

so true I love my husband 100% love him NOW what he did was messed up MESSED up worth leaving him for no he was drunk no excuse but he wasnt thinking right we were fighting ALL THE TIME and I didnt even know if I wanted to stay he was obviously feeling the same way I played a dumb game prior to the whole thing so he was seeing what he wanted I dont think it had to do with her. I mean He know she knows I know EVERYONE knows that they wouldnt stand each other more then 5 minutes I think that her kissing him led him to believe he could do it back and he would figure us out in the process does that make sence?


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Sun,

So you have made your decision that is cool, some will make other decisions.

That is called humanity.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya you are right but I am also trying to say that people cant just easily toss there love aside.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

marina72 said:


> *Forgiving her, is not something you do for her... it's something you do for yourself. By forgiving her, you free your mind and heart, of all the internal turmoil.*


When I first read this, I thought how ridiculous!

Its been a few days and a lot has happened....this resonates so much with me right now. 

After I wrote this I had a breakdown during the counseling session. It was our second session with that doctor. It scared the doctor and she said "I dont trust either of you now".

The doctor said I was traumatized from my experiences in this relationship. She started giving me feedback "your hysterical...your doing it right now....are you even listening to me?" I started to be able to tell when my anger was taking over my perception when I would hear her saying these things....everytime I started up...she would say those same things. I think we did this for 30mins or something....but by the time I walked out of that office, I could sense when it would start....

my heart races, I get flushed, my head hurts, and all I can think about is my wife's actions. I become 'focused' says the doctor, on my wife's behavior. 

I need to take care of myself she says, I need to focus my attention on my well being. Whatever my wife does its on HER not ME! I'm not responsible for my wife.....
this is helping me tremendously. However, I have noticed that I've been living with these panic like attacks for many years now. 

I can be sitting and watching TV and something will just trigger it....


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Well Tim, you're right, the only person you can really be responsible for is yourself. If your wife chooses to do things that hurt both you and her, then that is on her. No matter what her motives. I am sorry that you've been having these panic attacks. Sometimes when life gets too hard to bear, we do things like this, it's the brains way of protecting itself, and is an outward manifestation I think, of that fear, of being hurt over and over again... 

We all are accountable to ourselves. And I am glad the forgiveness thing resonates with you now. I think a lot of times when the word forgiveness is mentioned, nowadays, many people start thinking , "great, another nutjob, crazy, zealot religious person"... not that you said that, but other people who don't get why someone would believe in God and have faith, trash it and insult religous people, because they can't understand it.

Well, really, forgiveness isn't about being religious, although it is part of the foundation of many religions. It is a totally freeing thing to do , for yourself. 

You know, like when you've heard people say "just let it go"...

Well, that is kind of what forgiveness does for you, it helps you to get on the path of letting it go. That does Not mean in any way,that you will forget, or that your life will be perfect from now on... but , coming to the realization that you can't control what your wife does, and that if she hurts you, it is something she is responsible for, but being able to forgive her... Well, it takes a Lot of the pressure off of you. Don't you think? 

True forgiveness is something many people never learned how to do. It's very hard to do, as it requires a total openness to pain, and to letting go of the anger and sometimes self hatred we feel as human beings. This is a scary thing to face. 

Everyone struggles with forgiveness, because they feel , "hey why should I forgive them, when they hurt me so badly?" and "why do they deserve a break, when I was the one who was doing right, and still got hurt"

well it's hard for me too... it's our natural human emotion to want to curl up in a ball, and protect ourselves, either that, or come out fighting, with gloves up. And by forgiving... We stand naked, ready to take whatever comes our way.. and that's a scary thing.

But, remember, forgiveness is not for your wife, it truly has not much at all to do with her, or her actions.... is it a way to acknowledge that she is human too, and that she has made many mistakes? sure it is... but that doesn't mean staying and putting up with it, or pretending she didn't hurt you, it's just a way of relieving your pain.

It's a way to set your heart and mind free. Try to do this. It will help, I promise. You've held on to the anger and hurt for so long, that all that negative energy, has no where else to go... so it plagues your heart and mind, and manifests itself in the form of panic attacks...

Try forgiveness.... please be totally open to the possiblities, and see what happens. 

Update if you can, Blessings...


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

I think forgiveness in my sense is not the correct word. Letting go is how I interpreted it. I am letting go, and like you said, trying to stand naked in the face of danger and using my mind not my instincts to take care of yourself. 

I see it like this...standing on railroad tracks watching a train barreling towards you. All you need to do is step out of the way.

-The train is many thousands times greater than you...
-It is a force you cannot reckon with.
-You need to just accept that it can and will clobber you.
-You need to understand that it has too much momentum to stop for you.
-It is pointless to fight it.

...its not the trains fault you are in its tracks...you know where its going, just step away. Let it go....


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think something that really helped me let go of my anger was realizing what my H was doing really had nothing to do with me. I had problems before i met him, and he just triggered them, but its me, not him. 

That and i had one counselor tell me, "that's a lot of power to give one person."


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

that's a good interpretation Tim. I think it might work for you if you try and think about it this way. It's a hard thing to do, and rightly so, nothing worth doing in life is ever very easy is it? hehe...

that is the paradox that is life. The right thing, for us emotionally, , is almost Always the hardest thing too..

I think you'll be okay in the end. ;-) update if you can.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Tim,

First bravo to your counselor.

6 years, as I posted perhaps its time to decide. The decison not to forgive has been entrenched into your spirit, otherwise all posts would be null and void. 

Via being an animal we have to 2 instincts on such matters its called fight/flight. 

If you fight, the pain is to be endured and lived with regardless of time. That however is not in our biological makeup, too much pain must be vented otherwise demons may overtake you. How are dealing's directly with your spouse by now demons must have appeared.

**Does she have nights out, and you wonder if it happening again.
**Every little mistake you take notice of and have you mentioned the past when they do in passing.
**At least 50% of the day dwell on the memories, what is yours, mine was the exact moment of consumation of the affair.
**Outragous thoughts. The worse of the demons "vengence".

There is no panic attacks but overwheming memories that cannot be forgiven nor forgotten. How do I know lived it for 2 years counselors and drugs. The counselors, let it go now, and drugs to mask the memories and and pain.

If this is the time it is now.

If you flight, the pain is not to be endured and its removed via leaving it behind and literally empowering you. The world and all its possibilites is yours both negative and positive. This however is your control, not hers no more. 

No doubt you have attempted to forgive and forget and have given it your best, the feely good people "its all good" is the usual stance. This is not possible, as again we are animals not robots which reprogramming can occur.

I attempted to forgive and forget, and after 2 yrs destiny stepped in to provide the moment. I took the moment. 

Yes those are the choices life is not a buffet.

Choose wisely.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

reidqa said:


> **Does she have nights out, and you wonder if it happening again.
> **Every little mistake you take notice of and have you mentioned the past when they do in passing.
> **At least 50% of the day dwell on the memories, what is yours, mine was the exact moment of consumation of the affair.
> **Outragous thoughts. The worse of the demons "vengence".


yes yes yes to all of the above.
I'm learning to let her go now, she is well on her way to destruction and its not my fault or my responsibility because she was well on her way long before I came along. I just need to make sure my son and I are not caught up in it.

...step off the tracks...the train is coming.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

well, I'm more aware of my panic/anxiety attacks now more than ever. I had one today that lasted somewhere between 30-40mins. It happens when my line of thinking stumbles on my wife. I can anticipate what she is going to say...hell I can even have an argument with her in my head without her even being there because I know exactly the things she says. She's an open book to me now after all this mess she caused. Basically I can't think of anything else and my heart just jumps and will beat so hard it makes my head move back and forth if I let it. 

Theres more I want to write about but I need to sleep now. I finally get the bed tonight...i should enjoy it.


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Tim,

You would not believe how your posts sound like me 28 yrs ago, you are on your way to freedom and empowerment.

I await you big day post.


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