# Thoughts from a cheater.



## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

Hello. I have lurked on this forum for the past few months. I do not ask for your advice. I simply have a genuine interest in your thoughts and wish to share my own.

I have been married for 11 years now. Within the first year of marriage, I cheated on my wife. For these past 11 years, I have had 14 mistresses. These trysts have lasted anywhere between 4 months to a year. My wife knows nothing. I feel no guilt or regret.

I have also been diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder. Sociopathy. Upon further introspection, I theorise that I have narcissistic personality disorder as well. I do not intend to see a therapist about this theory. The stigma that comes with one personality disorder is quite enough. Although, as I have learned, these labels are in fact becoming outdated as the DSM moves on.

If one were to ask about my tragic backstory, my reply would be this: I was heavily bullied during my formative years. I remember one particular day when I returned home from school. After a cruel psychological beating, that feeling of inner-warmth within me faded away. I was dead on the inside. With that, my ability to care for others was lost. It is a most melodramatic story, isn't it?

I do not consider my mistresses to be people. Though I cannot deny that I enjoy their company. I enjoy socialising with them. I also enjoy having sex with them, but that is merely one aspect of my relationships.

Of these 14 mistresses, 6 of them were in relationships of their own. Curiously, it was the single mistresses that felt the most guilty about what they were engaging in. Only 1 of these single mistresses did not require my reassurance to assuage their guilt. Of the 6 married mistresses that I have known, only 2 showed any outward signs of distress. Such unlucky husbands.

I will say whatever I need to, in order to foster relationships with them. It might be as simple as some playful flirting. It might be as complicated as constructing a web of lies. A second, fictitious life. 
_
I am in an unhappy marriage. My wife doesn't love me. I'm only staying for the kids. I think that I have grown feelings for you. If circumstances were more convenient, we would be together right now. _

After I feel satisfied with these extramarital trysts, I cut off all contact. These women know nothing about me, except for what I look like. I make sure to use an alias. I do not give them any personally identifiable information.

However, I glean no enjoyment from manipulating these women. I am not a sadist. 

I am unsure of why I am so attractive to these women. To be honest, the shine of my wedding ring should chase them away. I am fairly average in appearance, so I don't believe it to be that. Perhaps it is my charisma.

There are some individuals that I consider to be people. My parents for instance. Close friends. My daughter, my dear princess. And my loving wife.

What are my wife's flaws that have caused me to cheat? When I massage her feet, they smell like corn chips. Sometimes, she gets the names of our 2 dogs mixed up. We have sex twice a week instead of four times a week. She forgets to pack up her socks. 

Superficially, we have a happy marriage, so there should be no reason for me to cheat on her. This goes against my pattern of behaviour.

That is why I find my cheating confusing. In the past, I have never hurt people. Quite the opposite, I spoil people. I give them gifts. I go out of my way to help them. To please them. There is no rational reason to hurt people. The world would be a better place if we did not hurt others. 

For me, it is as simple as eating a chocolate bar. I either do it or I don't.

Why do I cheat?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your post betrays your user name. You must tell your betrayed wife of your serial infidelities because she has every right to know the kind of person she is married to and also because you are stealing years from her life, years that she could be using to make a new and better life for herself. Tell her the truth NOW.


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## susan71 (Dec 17, 2011)

Your childhood was one of powerlessness and marginalisation, so you want to build up your self-image by showing you have power. And power to attract many women is something that you know is very enviable, so you can use it to prove to yourself that you are no longer marginalised.

How does that sound?

Unfortunately, I don't know how you would truly cure your deficit, only that more women isn't the answer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You cheat because you can and it fills a need in you.

Your wife has no fault for your cheating. She's just one more of your victims. I hope she has not contact any kind of STD from you.

Please tell her about her infidelities. She has the right to know that she is married to a cruel man who actually cares nothing for her.

You care only for what you can get out of people.

How would you feel about a man treating your daughter in the way you have treated your wife.. her mother.


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

morituri said:


> Your post betrays your user name. You must tell your betrayed wife of your serial infidelities because she has every right to know the kind of person she is married to and also because you are stealing years from her life, years that she could be using to make a new and better life for herself. Tell her the truth NOW.


I do not wish to tell her.

I do not believe that individuals have rights. We only have what others are willing to give. We are all influenced by our circumstances.



susan71 said:


> Your childhood was one of powerlessness and marginalisation, so you want to build up your self-image by showing you have power. And power to attract many women is something that you know is very enviable, so you can use it to prove to yourself that you are no longer marginalised.
> 
> How does that sound?
> 
> Unfortunately, I don't know how you would truly cure your deficit, only that more women isn't the answer.


You might be correct with your theory. 

I believe that I am irredeemable. Were I a more noble man, I would exile myself.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Why do you cheat?

Because you choose to. Because somewhere along the way you decided that your desires were more important than everyone elses including your wife and children if you have any. You are selfish.

I also got bullied an awful lot at school, however that hasn't turned me into someone who has decided to ditch their morals along the way. 

You have sex only twice a week instead of 4 times? Poor you. Who decided it should be 4 times, I suppose that was you?

Life is all about choice, although relating your situation to either eating a bar of chocolate or not is no comparison.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You sound like my ex husband to a T. He, too, has the same mental illnesses including bipolar. 

You owe the truth to your wife of your unfaithfulness. Perhaps, she can go and find her own men to have relations with no strings attached if she chooses, it's only fair. Hopefully you are being protected and not spreading STD's to your wife. How would you feel if you gave her AIDS, herpes, HPV or cervical cancer. My ex husband's unfaithfulness caused me cervical cancer through a form of HPV. Also he gave me crabs as well(disgusting). I was faithful to the end, even though I knew he wasn't. I thank God he did not give me herpes or Aids.

I was smart, I have a backbone and did not put up with my exes abuse towards me. I'm now in a fabulous relationship and my husband thinks the world of me. He puts his needs before mine. We live a happy life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Perhaps a compulsion?

If you left the other women alone and focused on your marriage you could have a more satisfying marriage. The fact that you have no conscience bothers me. Professional counseling needs to be considered. I had rather have a mental health label than be labeled as a liar and a cheater.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> I do not wish to tell her.
> 
> I do not believe that individuals have rights. We only have what others are willing to give. We are all influenced by our circumstances.


Are you using circumstances as your excuse? You wife will find out one day. She will kick you to the curb. Maybe then you will grow a heart, though I doubt it. What a very unlucky woman she is.



Humble Married Man said:


> You might be correct with your theory.
> 
> I believe that I am irredeemable. Were I a more noble man, I would exile myself.


I think you are irredeemable. Sorry but you seem to have a lack of those things that make a lot of people actually care for others. I don't know if you were born that way or if you lost them along the way but they do not seem to be there.


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You cheat because you can and it fills a need in you.
> 
> Your wife has no fault for your cheating. She's just one more of your victims. I hope she has not contact any kind of STD from you.
> 
> ...


I care about my wife, as much as one such as myself is capable of caring. I would, without hesitation, end my own life if it meant my wife's survival.

I would think of a way to punish the man that treated my daughter poorly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> I care about my wife, as much as one such as myself is capable of caring. I would, without hesitation, end my own life if it meant my wife's survival.
> 
> I would think of a way to punish the man that treated my daughter poorly.


But you mistreat your own wife. So obviously you do not care as much for her as you say you do.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Humble Married Man said:


> Hello. I have lurked on this forum for the past few months. I do not ask for your advice. I simply have a genuine interest in your thoughts and wish to share my own.
> 
> I have been married for 11 years now. Within the first year of marriage, I cheated on my wife. For these past 11 years, I have had 14 mistresses. These trysts have lasted anywhere between 4 months to a year. My wife knows nothing. I feel no guilt or regret.
> 
> ...


holy cow, 

you cheat because you don't value other people.
you cheat because you think you were wronged by bullies as a child.

you are remorsful because you came here looking for answers.

start respecting your self and quit acting like a high school kid.

I would not tell your wife any of this as she would surly be gone. 

turn the page in your life and learn from your experiance you sould hollow and like you want to feel fullfilled and its right there in front of you. your family.

go see a therapist and try to turn your life around.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

A troll is such a waste of electrons. Back to the shadows under your bridge.

You've stated that you want no advice. And you describe yourself as the kind who never cares nor seeks out the opinions of others. Come up with a screen name that is sure to raise ire, and add the mood of your replies, and you have someone who is here to fill some sort of entertainment void. Did mommy leave you alone for the weekend?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

And change your user name, it offends humble husbands. You are neither humble nor a husband.


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> But you mistreat your own wife. So obviously you do not care as much for her as you say you do.


This is true.



Halien said:


> A troll is such a waste of electrons. Back to the shadows under your bridge.


I am a troll because my mentality is pathological?

My way of thinking is different from more psychologically healthy individuals, but this does not make me a troll.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How would you feel and react if you found out that your wife was doing the same thing behind your back?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> This is true.
> 
> 
> My way of thinking is different from more psychologically healthy individuals, but this does not make me a troll.


But the confident self-awareness, along with the orchestrated approach to this post makes you a fictional character, nevertheless.


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> How would you feel and react if you found out that your wife was doing the same thing behind your back?


I would not be happy.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> Hello. I have lurked on this forum for the past few months. I do not ask for your advice. I simply have a genuine interest in your thoughts and wish to share my own.
> 
> I have been married for 11 years now. Within the first year of marriage, I cheated on my wife. For these past 11 years, I have had 14 mistresses. These trysts have lasted anywhere between 4 months to a year. My wife knows nothing. I feel no guilt or regret.
> 
> ...


Hmmmmm...why did Jeffrey Dahmer just pop into my head?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why do you cheat? Because you want/choose to. It's not rocket science. Smells of a troll.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

14 different mistresses in 11 years. The shortest lasting four months, the longest a year. All the result of your cultivating relationships with them, as opposed to random pickups, Internet hookups or one-night stands.
And not one of these women knows anything about you other than what you look like and an alias? Never seen your car? A credit card? No idea what you do for a living? What town you live in? No phone numbers?

Excuse me while I go turn down that blaring noise from my BS detector.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't get what you want from people here. Your behavior is dispicable, but you don't care. You are hurting your wife, but you don't care. You are hurting your daughter, but you don't care.

Some day our wife and your daughter will find out. Your daughter will hate you for what you have done to her mother. You will lose both of them. But you deserve this.

But you don't care.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much financial support did you give these 14 women?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Halien said:


> A troll is such a waste of electrons.


Lol. Love this. Quote of the day!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

Mrs. T said:


> Hmmmmm...why did Jeffrey Dahmer just pop into my head?


I have no interest in taking lives.



FrankKissel said:


> 14 different mistresses in 11 years. The shortest lasting four months, the longest a year. All the result of your cultivating relationships with them, as opposed to random pickups, Internet hookups or one-night stands.
> And not one of these women knows anything about you other than what you look like and an alias? Never seen your car? A credit card? No idea what you do for a living? What town you live in? No phone numbers?
> 
> Excuse me while I go turn down that blaring noise from my BS detector.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I take public transport. I use paper money. I lie about my job. I live in the city so they only have a rough idea of where I live. I use a secondary email address to contact them.

It is not difficult.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I hope your daughter doesn't end up in a relationship with someone like you. Children tend to repeat their parents' patterns.

If not for you or your wife, why not try to find out who you are for your daughter's sake? She deserves to know the real you. (By that I don't mean your unfaithful side, I mean the side of you that isn't lying and manipulating others around you).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> I have no interest in taking lives.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


So, you're an average looking guy, take your mistresses around town on the city bus, and contact women you've been having sex with for months exclusively over gmail.

Can't believe I ever doubted you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

What's up with the bogus postings lately? This guy and a dream wife. Best to ignore them; they only want attention, not advice.


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I don't get what you want from people here. Your behavior is dispicable, but you don't care. You are hurting your wife, but you don't care. You are hurting your daughter, but you don't care.
> 
> Some day our wife and your daughter will find out. Your daughter will hate you for what you have done to her mother. You will lose both of them. But you deserve this.
> 
> But you don't care.


I am interested in your thoughts. Genuinely interested in what you think of me. It is in the opening line of my first post.

As I have said, I am not a sadist. I derive no pleasure from angering or manipulating anyone here. It is not my intention to "troll" any individuals on this site.

I will say this: I do care. Not enough to stop. Yet. 

I care enough to look within myself and question my motivations. If I did not care, than I would not bother to post this in the first place. 

Remember that I consider my wife to be a person as much as I consider my daughter to be a person. I do not hurt people. This is not in my pattern of behaviour. I have explained this in my first post.

Perhaps it is the last vestiges of my conscience. Or perhaps I simply wish to keep these people in my life. Either way, I do not like my behaviour.


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

I think you're posting on the wrong forum. If you can't figure out your ****ed up life, why should any of us help you? I'm amazed you haven't been banned and blocked.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> So, you're an average looking guy, take your mistresses around town on the city bus, and contact women you've been having sex with for months exclusively over gmail.
> 
> Can't believe I ever doubted you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unfortunately there are women stupid enough to do along with this sort of nonsense.

If this is all true, these women are not mistresses. Mistress implies that he actually supports the women. They are short term flings or one night stands.

My father-in-law did what his guy claims to do. This guy sounds just like the creep. My husband and siblings hate their father. He had children with 4 women... his first wife (1 son), his second wife (my mother-in-law, 4 children), an affair partner (1 daughter) and a daughter with a woman who he had a bigamous marriage with. All of the children have learned to hate him for what he has done. 

OP, your daughter will hate you. She will hate you for what you are doing to her mother, for what you have done to her and for the legacy that will become her own disfunctional behavior.


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> So, you're an average looking guy, take your mistresses around town on the city bus, and contact women you've been having sex with for months exclusively over gmail.
> 
> Can't believe I ever doubted you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I lie and say that I cannot drive or that I don't own a car.

I take public transport to where they live or to where we are going to meet up. 

The women that I get involved with are either so apathetic that they don't ask questions, or so codependent that they will go along with my suggestions. There are plenty of women that are emotionally vulnerable.



EleGirl said:


> Unfortunately there are women stupid enough to do along with this sort of nonsense.
> 
> If this is all true, these women are not mistresses. Mistress implies that he actually supports the women. They are short term flings or one night stands.
> 
> ...


I'm glad that you believe me. Situations like this are not unheard of.

I wish to prevent my daughter from hating me. I also wish to prevent my wife from hating me.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> If this is all true, these women are not mistresses. Mistress implies that he actually supports the women. They are short term flings or one night stands.


Except, according to his tale, they're not flings or one-night stands. According to him, these relationships lasted a minimum of four months and in at least one case for a year.
I'm sure one could find a woman who'd engage in a months-long sexual relationship with a man she knows nothing about other than an email address. Maybe even a couple. But 14?

No doubt you mean well with your advice, but methinks you're getting played.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Except, according to his tale, they're not flings or one-night stands. According to him, these relationships lasted a minimum of four months and in at least one case for a year.
> I'm sure one could find a woman who'd engage in a months-long sexual relationship with a man she knows nothing about other than an email address. Maybe even a couple. But 14?
> 
> No doubt you mean well with your advice, but methinks you're getting played.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In a big city it's easy to find a lot of people, male and female, who have low enough self esteme to take advantage of.

I don't care if this particular poster is trying to play people here or not. On a site like this one, for every person who posts there are hundreds if not thousands of poeple who read the posts. There just might be someone out there who recognizes their spouse in this. And thus it makes them take a closer look, they discover the truth of their marriage and the throw the bum out.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

What you describe seems like an incredible emotional numbing, but I see the cheating as a way to prove out the sociopath diagnosis in a way. If you can feel nothing, then it proves you are a sociopath.

The thing I question is whether a true sociopath would "love" his daughter and feel like he would take a bullet for his wife? That would suggest you haven't gotten an accurate diagnosis to me.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> I care about my wife, as much as one such as myself is capable of caring. *I would, without hesitation, end my own life if it meant my wife's survival.*


Well, this doesn't sync with antisocial personality disorder.

I doubt this statement to be true.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why are you people wasting tIme on this guy. He doesn't want help he just wants to brag about how proud he is to be lying cheating user and abuser.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I believe you already know why you are cheating but it is hard for you to see through the huge web of lies you have constructed over the years. Not only have you been lying to your family and the women you cheat with - you have been lying to yourself.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I agree with Halien. I smell Troll.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

Have you read the book "Malignant Self Love" by Sam Vaknin? It's written by a diagnosed psychopath and might be helpful in answering you question.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Why do you cheat? 

Intrinsically selfish in nature...
An abusive character..
Use women for own gain
A perverted sense of trophy gathering (multiple women) 
Dead to others feelings but not your own.

Character flaws:
Dishonesty
Harmful behaviour - 14 times risk of STDs for your wife 
Untrustworthy
A liar
Sneaky
Secretive


Fallout from your behaviour:
Insulting your wife and family 
Destructive
Trust - non existent
Care-giving - non existent
Violated everything, including yourself 
Devalued everything 
Distress inflicted upon those you claim to "love" 
Disruption to the family's financial stabilty 
Destablising emotional effect on the family unit
Deceiving everyone around you
Double crossing
Betrayal 
Sense of entitlement.

Still you cheat!

Why?

Amoral. 

Even trolls cheat!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Humble strange screen name for yourself but it does have the desired effect does it not. 

You know what your recompense for your pride will be? Your daughter meetung a man just like you and being used and suffering for it the rest of her life. You will not be able to protect her from preditory men like you. In fact she is probably more vulnerable because she does not have the full attention of her father. 

Girls like that make targets for preditors because she is looking for the male approval that they miss from an attentive father. You can't possibly be giving her or your family the attention they need. You won't feel anything though so no worries. The emptiness in you may show up in stark relief to her pain but, no more .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> I do not believe that individuals have rights. We only have what others are willing to give. We are all influenced by our circumstances.


Are you for real? This is a joke, right?:scratchhead:

Well... if you are for real, this is a clear case of sociopathic behavior. Read up on it.


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> In a big city it's easy to find a lot of people, male and female, who have low enough self esteme to take advantage of.
> 
> I don't care if this particular poster is trying to play people here or not. On a site like this one, for every person who posts there are hundreds if not thousands of poeple who read the posts. There just might be someone out there who recognizes their spouse in this. And thus it makes them take a closer look, they discover the truth of their marriage and the throw the bum out.


That is correct. There are a large number of codependent individuals living in the world today. Women that have few emotional boundaries, most likely because of a history of abuse in their own lives. Please approach a forum for Other Women with an open mind. Read up on stories from women that feel lied to and manipulated by men such as myself. 

Curiously, it is the thought process of sceptics that allows me to get away with what I have done. Refuge in audacity.

I will say that I appeciate your thoughtfulness, EleGirl. Thank you.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> This is true.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think you should go on doing just what you are doing. 

You are quiet right the mistresses are barely people at all. In fact barely worthy of your attention. They look for the beauty of your clear soul. 

Do anything you like. Your wife must enjoy your expert love making. She must enjoy the thrill of never knowing if she will catch AIDS. You make her otherwise dull life interesting.

Your daughter will be proud of you. She will model herself on you and expect nothing less than from her husband than you teach her.

I wish you all the happiness you deserve. 
I wish you the love and care you lavish on so many. 

Happy now?


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> The thing I question is whether a true sociopath would "love" his daughter and feel like he would take a bullet for his wife? That would suggest you haven't gotten an accurate diagnosis to me.


Why not? This behaviour is unusual, but not unheard of.

I care about their lives, simply because I see no reason not to care about them. 



52flower said:


> Have you read the book "Malignant Self Love" by Sam Vaknin? It's written by a diagnosed psychopath and might be helpful in answering you question.


Thank you for the suggestion. I will have a look.


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

ing said:


> Happy now?


No. I have not felt sustainable happiness since I was a child.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> No. I have not felt sustainable happiness since I was a child.


Well Duh.. I wonder why.

You are of no more interest to me than an insect in a web. Interesting to watch.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> Why do I cheat?


Because you can.


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

ing said:


> You are of no more interest to me than an insect in a web. Interesting to watch.


You are interested in watching a creature in its death throes?

That is quite sadistic behaviour.



tacoma said:


> Because you can.


Perhaps.

But, for instance, all individuals are capable of taking the life of another human being. Whether it be a crime of passion, or cold blooded murder.

Why is it that only a minority of individuals end up taking the life of another?

Because they can?


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## TallE (Dec 12, 2011)

So in 11 years you have managed to have over a dozen relationships sometimes lasting up to a year and have never developed any kind of emotional attachment with these women? So your family and friends are people and everyone else is just scenery to pass the time? Why do you do this? I mean if you don't care, then why go through all this trouble to lead a double life? What do you get out of it?


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

Ok. I have tried to not reply to this post but find myself strangely compelled to do so. First I see no humility in your overall demeanor so I wonder why you choose the word "humble" as part of your name. I'm also troubled by your desire to know the opinions of others when you seem to care little about those around you. I as a husband who has cheated and am fighting to regain what I have lost, I who have done things that have hurt my wife beyond imagination, I who should not judge for I am definitely not beyond sin find myself disgusted by what you say. I am a firm believer that people make choices by free will. I believe that many hide behind the notion of mental instability in order to avoid taking ownership and responsibility of their actions. Trust me I was wrong when I made the choice to engage in inappropriate behavior/actions and I take responsibility for those choices. I am now suffering the consequences of those choices. I am having to deal with the pain I have caused my wife and the pain of hearing her tell me that I killed the love that she had for me. I may be totally wrong here but I think that you get a twisted sense of power from bragging of your exploits and this is your way of bragging without suffering the consequences of having your wife find out. Otherwise I believe that if she found out you would truly develop a fear of losing her and your stance would definitely change. I would suggest that you reconsider who you are and what you are doing. Trust me you don't want to experience the pain that comes from the affair. And your wife will find out. Your belief that she won't find out is a fantasy just like the fantasies that you create in order to seduce women. I would suggest counseling but I get the impression that you wouldn't be interested in something like that. I pray that you and those around you be blessed and not have to suffer the pain of your actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> You are interested in watching a creature in its death throes?
> 
> That is quite sadistic behaviour.


Oh wait.. Look. Empathy for another creature, a fly no less.:scratchhead:


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

ing said:


> Oh wait.. Look. Empathy for another creature, a fly no less.:scratchhead:


LOL! Good catch. I think it's much an act. I can't accept that he would have married his wife if he was so indifferent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

I think you cheat because it gives you a sense of control and power, makes you feel special that you can get away with it or have a secret life that is yours alone. You felt powerless somewhere inside yourself because of what you experienced as a young person and it taught you that the only way to find true power is to steal it, to take it subversively and not get caught. That's my assessment of your situation. 

Because your wife doesn't see or know about your cheating, you think it doesn't hurt her. If she caught you on it, you'd probably tell her that she was the real thing and the others were just fantasy lives, made up stories. If she caught you out, you'd probably try to make her believe she was somehow wrong about her perception of what has happened or that if you knew she would find out you'd never have done it. If she suspected and you knew this, if you felt that she knew and wasn't objecting, you'd probably start to see her as less of a person too because all you'd see is her weakness for allowing you to do this. 

Being a sociopath may well be a condition you have, but it is your choice to cheat or not cheat. Narcissistic sociopaths cheat, some steal, some kill, some beat people up, some actually just excel in business or some other profession in which they can manipulate and maintain control, hunt and win. Given that cheating is a choice, you could stop doing it any time you like. I suspect that you might not be terribly pleased with this outlet and maybe that's why you're posting about it? If so, then choose a more productive and less hurtful hobby -- that's all this cheating really is to you.

What motivated you to write this post? Something did and that's what will give you the answer to why you are cheating and maybe give you an idea of how to stop, if you so desire.

There's no point in trying to tell you to come clean to your wife; you'd sully yourself in her eyes and if she accepted you afterwards, you wouldn't be able to respect her or treat her with dignity either. I'd suggest, in fact, that you NOT tell her, but stop doing this activity and find a different outlet for your darkness and be very very sure not to do anything again that will hurt her. I know others will object to that statement, but I speak from my own POV. I'd probably have accepted anything my WH (probably also NPD, sociopathic, and with a violent background) did on the secret sly as long as it wasn't cheating on me with women to whom he was expressing love while he was treating me like crap and not making me feel foremost in importance while also harming those I love (all of which he did because he felt I was weak for not calling him out on what I suspected). If she has the kind of personality makeup to have gotten this far with a sociopath (not stupid at all, but probably suffering from irreparable emotional dysfunction as a result of repressed abuse and trauma), as long as you keep her insanely happy and make her feel like she is top priority (which isn't the case if you're exposing her to STDs), I doubt she'd object or look beyond the surface; but....the cheating is really awful, so please stop it. You are definitely a jerk to do this to her. Oh, and please don't choose killing or beating people up as your hobby because eventually someone will find out and threaten your family and that will not be a happy situation for anyone, a you will have traumatized them yet again.

Let me ask you a question -- if your daughter grew up and got married and her husband was doing what you were doing, what would you do to him? What would you advise her to do? Would you want her to be in the same position as your wife? I hate to say it, but your daughter will probably fall for a predator like you. So, can't you be a predator in business or something, instead of in promiscuity?

For you, this cheating is just a hobby. For her, it will probably be heartbreaking, devastating, and soul-crushing. Chances are, once she breaks from finding out, you'll reject her for her "weakness" at not being able to endure your behavior which you kept secret for so long (another factor that will break her). You claim to value her as a person but not these others, so put her first and put these other flings out of your life. And, if you can't stop cheating and don't intend to leave her or tell her, at least be certain to use protection, get tested very often, and spoil your wife absolutely rotten so she feels like the queen of the universe; if you're one of those idiots who is a narcissistic sociopath who also abuses his wife, then you're not just irredeemable, you're a waste of space (unless you stop it).

You might be a troll, but this is an interesting thread.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

aug said:


> Well, this doesn't sync with antisocial personality disorder.
> 
> I doubt this statement to be true.


I doubt he really would, if it came down to it, but probably tells himself that so that he can feel like he's a noble (or some acceptable) guy.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> I care about [the life of my daughter], simply because I see no reason not to care about [it].


(Paraphrased for clarity.)
Dang, I wish I had a father like you! 

Your daughter would probably be much better off without you around, because it is absolutely true that a person's childhood affects the rest of their life. Don't you think so? Didn't your childhood have some affect on your personality, at least in some small way? Why should it be different for your daughter?

She will end up married to someone just like you, getting STDs, eventually discovering when she is too old to start over that her entire life has been a game played by someone who was supposed to love her. Except in her case, it will be twice as bad, because her father is to blame.

Congratulations... father of the year candidate.


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## sinkingfeeling (May 20, 2011)

You have achieved something coming on here. Made me hate my WH more than I already do. 

Praying for karma on him and you, you hateful slugs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

TallE said:


> So in 11 years you have managed to have over a dozen relationships sometimes lasting up to a year and have never developed any kind of emotional attachment with these women? So your family and friends are people and everyone else is just scenery to pass the time? Why do you do this? I mean if you don't care, then why go through all this trouble to lead a double life? What do you get out of it?


I don't know. It makes no sense. This is what I want to find out.



miscommunication said:


> Ok. I have tried to not reply to this post but find myself strangely compelled to do so. First I see no humility in your overall demeanor so I wonder why you choose the word "humble" as part of your name. I'm also troubled by your desire to know the opinions of others when you seem to care little about those around you. I as a husband who has cheated and am fighting to regain what I have lost, I who have done things that have hurt my wife beyond imagination, I who should not judge for I am definitely not beyond sin find myself disgusted by what you say. I am a firm believer that people make choices by free will. I believe that many hide behind the notion of mental instability in order to avoid taking ownership and responsibility of their actions. Trust me I was wrong when I made the choice to engage in inappropriate behavior/actions and I take responsibility for those choices. I am now suffering the consequences of those choices. I am having to deal with the pain I have caused my wife and the pain of hearing her tell me that I killed the love that she had for me. I may be totally wrong here but I think that you get a twisted sense of power from bragging of your exploits and this is your way of bragging without suffering the consequences of having your wife find out. Otherwise I believe that if she found out you would truly develop a fear of losing her and your stance would definitely change. I would suggest that you reconsider who you are and what you are doing. Trust me you don't want to experience the pain that comes from the affair. And your wife will find out. Your belief that she won't find out is a fantasy just like the fantasies that you create in order to seduce women. I would suggest counseling but I get the impression that you wouldn't be interested in something like that. I pray that you and those around you be blessed and not have to suffer the pain of your actions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Most sociopaths are not insane or unstable. I am not insane or unstable. I have a relatively firm grip on reality.

I do not brag. I simply explain my actions. 

I fully expect my wife to find out eventually. Although, I would prefer it if she didn't. 



miscommunication said:


> LOL! Good catch. I think it's much an act. I can't accept that he would have married his wife if he was so indifferent.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not indifferent to people. I have said multiple times that it is not in my nature to hurt people. This is why I find my cheating confusing.



desert-rose said:


> I think you cheat because it gives you a sense of control and power, makes you feel special that you can get away with it or have a secret life that is yours alone. You felt powerless somewhere inside yourself because of what you experienced as a young person and it taught you that the only way to find true power is to steal it, to take it subversively and not get caught. That's my assessment of your situation.


This is a very thoughtful post and I thank you.


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

desert-rose said:


> I doubt he really would, if it came down to it, but probably tells himself that so that he can feel like he's a noble (or some acceptable) guy.


I am a realist.

I know exactly what kind of person that I am. I am not noble, nor would I ever expect society to accept people like me on a moral level. Although, when one observes some of the behaviour of politicians, businessmen, soldiers, law enforcers, bankers and other individuals with power, they will see how prevalent sociopathic behaviour really is.



omega said:


> (Paraphrased for clarity.)
> Dang, I wish I had a father like you!
> 
> Your daughter would probably be much better off without you around, because it is absolutely true that a person's childhood affects the rest of their life. Don't you think so? Didn't your childhood have some affect on your personality, at least in some small way? Why should it be different for your daughter?
> ...


I agree. This is why I intend on hiding this side of myself from my daughter. 



sinkingfeeling said:


> You have achieved something coming on here. Made me hate my WH more than I already do.
> 
> Praying for karma on him and you, you hateful slugs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do not believe in karma. But I fully expect to face the consequences of my actions one day.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Do you recognize an escalation in your behaviors?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My ex husband was like you. He had over 10 mistresses in our 15 years together (and I would bet you there were more) I divorced him in June 2011. 3 of his 4 children no longer speak to him. 
I wish their were laws on the book that would give victims like me and your poor wife the chance to sue lying, cheating asses like yourself because the mental anguish we go through should come with some sort of restitution.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Are you having fun "Humble Married Man" with all the responses you've been getting? If you are, then I'm glad that we were able to be of some entertainment value for you inbetween mistresses.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Boring, self-important (troll) thread


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## sinkingfeeling (May 20, 2011)

The irony is, his wife is probably on some other thread somewhere (maybe even on TAM) seeking help as to how to get her husband to connect with her. No-one's that good at covering their tracks that there's no trace at all. She knows, I'm sure and hopefully is banging your best friend. You think you're so untouchable but you're not and I hope she serves it to you ice cold! Ha ha!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I’m not actually convinced that this is a troll thread. It’s not outside the realm of possibility that a person like this does indeed exist. There are plenty that seem to exist in politics, for example. 

The OP seems to have a high degree of intelligence. The kind of intelligence that can find people who are weaker and prey upon their insecurities rather easily. 

Something in him is broken, and being a genuine loyal husband to his wife is beyond his capacity. Whatever that event was as a child, or if it’s something lacking in his physical chemistry who knows. 

But whatever it is, it enables him to drift from one relationship to another without any guilt about any harm he is doing to the women involved with him. He carries a detachment in all of these relationships. 

He may on some level indeed care about his daughter and wife. But not enough to actually modify his behavior. His adoration of himself is too strong for that. He may not “intentionally” hurt anybody, but he is unable to see the wreckage he is leaving behind from his actions. Or unable to care.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> I do not consider my mistresses to be people.


If they knew you were married and didn't care, then neither would I.

Otherwise, how utterly despicable of you to dehumanize your victims.




> I am in an unhappy marriage.


Then get out. Set your wife free.



> My wife doesn't love me.


And that wouldn't have anything to do with the fact you are always out catting could it?




> I'm only staying for the kids.


Does your wife know this? If not, then this adds another level of abuse, in addition to the cheating, you are bestowing upon your wife.




> After I feel satisfied with these extramarital trysts, I cut off all contact. These women know nothing about me, except for what I look like. I make sure to use an alias. I do not give them any personally identifiable information.


So in addition to being a cheater, you are a manipulator and abuser.




> However, I glean no enjoyment from manipulating these women. I am not a sadist.


Oh please:lol:




> I am unsure of why I am so attractive to these women. To be honest, the shine of my wedding ring should chase them away.


Ok, I'm starting to smell bulls***. You said earlier that you create a 2nd life, full of lies and deceit. This would obviously include making them think you are not married. And now you say you wear your ring when looking for these hookups? Sorry, not buying it.





> There are some individuals that I consider to be people. My parents for instance. Close friends. My daughter, my dear princess. And my loving wife.


Loving wife? You said she didn't love you earlier.

Yup, you are telling a story. You need to work on your writing. Bulls*** detector just went off the charts.




> What are my wife's flaws that have caused me to cheat?


Even if you were telling the truth in this "story", there is nothing about your wife that caused you to cheat. Its YOUR character that caused you to cheat.




> For me, it is as simple as eating a chocolate bar. I either do it or I don't.
> 
> Why do I cheat?


Because you have lousy character.

You can get back under that bridge now.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> I am a troll because my mentality is pathological?


No, you are a troll because your story is full of holes and contradictions, which I have put forth in my previous post.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Boring, self-important (troll) thread


No, far from boring. If this is indeed a person, and for whatever reason this person is being genuine then its fairly interesting. Im a bit twisted in that regard. I find people's individual psychology or pathology as it were... very intriguing.

People like this do exist, and I think you would be surprised how many people are wired similiar to the person who authored this thread. I think that most people who share these behaviors, supress some of the thoughts and realizations he has actualized in this thread. Most people don't bring them to a conscious level because of an inabilty to deal with them. Cognitive dissonance triggers defense mechinisms which repress deep reflection. 

Ironically, the very needs that are satisfied by these behaviors would also be the reason this person would be compelled to offer his story and ask for insight. A person like this would not care about what anyone else thinks or feels about them, any insite or opinion offered would be instantly disregarded unless it served this person's real motivation for the solicitation. Which has nothing to do with seeking to be a better person.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm not discounting people like this 'do exist,' Pit.' I am saying this thread is very boring to me and OP comes across as self-important.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I'm not discounting people like this 'do exist,' Pit.' I am saying this thread is very boring to me and OP comes across as self-important.


Oh no!, I'm sorry.... I didnt mean to imply that you didnt know people like this existed. Actually, I meant to quote just the "very boring" part to mention I thought it was interesting. Then my post got longer as thoughts spilled out... they were really just random thoughts not directed at anyone really. My bad.

Along my random line of thoughts into the wind...

The answer to both questions... Why he does what he does, and why he authored this thread are exactly the same. It's already been mentioned and it's very simple. Power & Control. If this persons story is genuine, I would speculate that his cheating exercises a power and control over others, while the motivation for posting this thread would be in an attempt to gain power & control over himself and these behaviors. Which is the reason I asked if his behaviors are escalating. That would make sense if my line of reasoning was sound.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

I imagine you get as much enjoyment from the "getting away with it" as from the actual relationships/cheating.

But someday things will come crashing down.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> No, far from boring. If this is indeed a person, and for whatever reason this person is being genuine then its fairly interesting. Im a bit twisted in that regard. I find people's individual psychology or pathology as it were... very intriguing.
> 
> People like this do exist, and I think you would be surprised how many people are wired similiar to the person who authored this thread. I think that most people who share these behaviors, supress some of the thoughts and realizations he has actualized in this thread. Most people don't bring them to a conscious level because of an inabilty to deal with them. Cognitive dissonance triggers defense mechinisms which repress deep reflection.
> 
> Ironically, the very needs that are satisfied by these behaviors would also be the reason this person would be compelled to offer his story and ask for insight. A person like this would not care about what anyone else thinks or feels about them, any insite or opinion offered would be instantly disregarded unless it served this person's real motivation for the solicitation. Which has nothing to do with seeking to be a better person.


I agree. It is interesting. It is why I tested the "agree with all" technique that seems to work so well with people deep in the FOG. 
Argument gives the person validation for the position they hold. By agreeing with them they are left with nothing but the thoughts and feelings that they can't resolve. Cognitive Dissonance [head up ass] is a powerful defense mechanism. Agreeing is like mental jujitsu. It reflects the hurt ,which they would like you to take on, back to them where it smacks them in the eyes like a 4 x 2. The harder they hit. The harder it hurts them.
Yes.. I am theorizing


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

You cheat because you can and have gotten away with it.


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

If what you are saying is true then the answer is quite simple. You are an addict the affairs make you feel good just like an addiction and just like an addiction you place these "wants" of yours well above your wife's emotional and possibly physical well being. You are no different from millions of other serial cheaters to be honest. And the non chalant way in which you do it is a common trait among serial cheaters a sociopathic tendency so to speak. You cheat because you like the way it makes you feel and you are either too immature as a man or too selfish to see the potential ramifications and devastating effect that this might have on your marriage. Eventually you will be caught the more you do it the higher the chances of that happening and hopefully she will be wise enough to leave you then you will be left with this questions and by then you will have your answer but it will be too late. (i know because i have been there)


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Given that you have no emotional or moral reason not to cheat since you lack the capacity to empathize (sociopath), I'd suggest you are simply following your biologically programming. Think of it this way: People are at various times tempted to get with others and it's usually our moral compass, or compassion that prevents us from acting on it. 

Since you lack that wiring, there is no reason not to cheat, in essense. 

As for why you continue to do it? Probably because you haven't experienced the nasty consequences of cheating - Financial difficulty, messy emotions from your spouse, and damage to your reputation. 

My understanding of sociopaths is that they can experience their OWN feelings, just can't connect with others. You won't feel guilty in all likelyhood, but you will feel uncomfortable.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

I would say it makes perfect sense. Due to your personality disorders, you lack empathy and are simply not interested in anything intimate with another person (ie emotionally intimate). I'm sure sex is a "wham bam thankyou maam" kind of affair with your wife. You are simply getting your needs met.

However not being intimate emotionally with anyone probably leaves you feeling pretty hollow and lonely (however due to your disorders you probably do not have the capacity to understand this) and I'm guessing you go out to fill this big gaping hole with company outside the marriage. 

But for you the bonus is double - you don't have to share anything about yourself with these women, and you don't have to pretend to care about their emotions or needs or likes or dislikes, etc. You can just be yourself and it works like a charm. You can go out, have some fun, not feel lonely, have sex, and have that hole somewhat filled - if only for one night.Then at the end you can just get rid of them and that is that. They have served their purpose.

I would say they keep coming to you because they perceive you as a challenge. Humans are weird like that. The less interested you look, the more they flock to you. But the thing is, even if you keep going out all the time, you will find over the years that that big hole in your chest is just as big as it always was. These temporary fixes are very temporary - and when they are over, the hole in your chest goes back to its original large size. That is when you get the urge to go out and find another woman and the cycle repeats itself.

Ofcourse this could be completely wrong. I'm just going from what you wrote, so it is more of a guess than anything.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Apparently you know you need help, so why don't you get some? Professional that is. I think it is very selfish of you to cheat your wife of true happiness..the time that she is wasting in that sham of a marriage, she could be using to find someone that will love her completely....Think about it for a minute, some years down the road and she finds out what you have been doing, you should love her enough to not want to put her through that helplessness and horrible sadness and depression that she is inevitably going to go through when she finds out, they always find out, it's only a matter of time. Imagine, too, when she finds out your daughter, your princess, will know as well, and you have to think what would you do to a man that treated your "princess" in this manner? I am not trying to be mean, just real. I was bullied with the best of them all throughout middle/high school, yet I am a fully functioning, faithful wife so you can't really use that excuse....


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

morituri said:


> Are you having fun "Humble Married Man" with all the responses you've been getting?


"Fun" is not the most accurate word. I am interested in the thoughts of the posters here. I suppose my intellectual curiosity has been fulfilled.



Soccerfan73 said:


> He may on some level indeed care about his daughter and wife. But not enough to actually modify his behavior. His adoration of himself is too strong for that. He may not “intentionally” hurt anybody, but he is unable to see the wreckage he is leaving behind from his actions. Or unable to care.


That is semi-correct. If you have an interest in psychology, I recommend reading up on "semi-sociopaths" and "secondary sociopaths" (there is a bit of debate on whether or not individuals with such labels would classify for ASPD.). 

I actually raise the question of whether or not a fullblown sociopath would be able to take into consideration, his child, wife, family and friends. If only I had a therapist. 



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> No, far from boring. If this is indeed a person, and for whatever reason this person is being genuine then its fairly interesting. Im a bit twisted in that regard. I find people's individual psychology or pathology as it were... very intriguing.


A sort of bile fascination?

To answer your question, I don't believe that my behaviour will escalate. At the moment, I am questioning my motives. If I find out why I cheat, I can stop if I wish.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> That is correct. There are a large number of codependent individuals living in the world today. Women that have few emotional boundaries, most likely because of a history of abuse in their own lives. Please approach a forum for Other Women with an open mind. Read up on stories from women that feel lied to and manipulated by men such as myself.
> 
> Curiously, it is the thought process of sceptics that allows me to get away with what I have done. Refuge in audacity.
> 
> I will say that I appeciate your thoughtfulness, EleGirl. Thank you.


I've visited some of those forums before. They are very strange places. There are by the way similar forums for men to are habitual cheaters and a good number of them are very much like you.

I could not spend much time on those forums as they caused me too much distressed to see the gross level of disfuntion on all sides.


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

ing said:


> I agree. It is interesting. It is why I tested the "agree with all" technique that seems to work so well with people deep in the FOG.
> Argument gives the person validation for the position they hold. By agreeing with them they are left with nothing but the thoughts and feelings that they can't resolve. Cognitive Dissonance [head up ass] is a powerful defense mechanism. Agreeing is like mental jujitsu. It reflects the hurt ,which they would like you to take on, back to them where it smacks them in the eyes like a 4 x 2. The harder they hit. The harder it hurts them.
> Yes.. I am theorizing


Ah, so you are trying to manipulate a manipulator? That is very sneaky of you.



seeking sanity said:


> Given that you have no emotional or moral reason not to cheat since you lack the capacity to empathize (sociopath), I'd suggest you are simply following your biologically programming. Think of it this way: People are at various times tempted to get with others and it's usually our moral compass, or compassion that prevents us from acting on it.
> 
> Since you lack that wiring, there is no reason not to cheat, in essense.


I agree. On the other hand, I am self-aware. Many others are not. This self-awareness allows me greater alacrity to change my pattern of behaviour. Or at the very least, minimise the emotional damage that I could potentially cause. 

Just as there is no reason not to cheat, there is no reason to cheat. One thing that frustrates me, is my inability to truly understand my own actions.



GreenEyes said:


> Apparently you know you need help, so why don't you get some? Professional that is. I was bullied with the best of them all throughout middle/high school, yet I am a fully functioning, faithful wife so you can't really use that excuse....


I am genuinely unsure. If one is in need of help, the logical response would be to ask for it. Yet, I am compelled not to. In the same way that one is compelled to eat or drink if they feel unsated, I am compelled not to ask for help.

No, I don't use bullying as an excuse. That would be as trite as using a clichéd villian backstory as an excuse for my misdeeds. It may be a contributing factor however.


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I've visited some of those forums before. They are very strange places. There are by the way similar forums for men to are habitual cheaters and a good number of them are very much like you.
> 
> I could not spend much time on those forums as they caused me too much distressed to see the gross level of disfuntion on all sides.


Why do you visit those forums?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> "Fun" is not the most accurate word. I am interested in the thoughts of the posters here. I suppose my intellectual curiosity has been fulfilled.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I absolutely believe that a full-blown sociopath would be able to consider the wellbeing of his/her family and friends… as long as they fill HIS needs. It does not mean that the sociopath sees them as anymore ‘people’ then those the sociopath preys on… but instead sees them as objects that fill his needs.
It’s like the furniture in your home. Your favorite chair serves you so you don’t smash it to bits for the fun of it. But if one day you found an better chair… that chair will go out with the next day’s trash… so it will be with family and friends.
How many people in your life, family and friends, have you held on to despite their inability to serve our needs.. few I would bet.



Humble Married Man said:


> A sort of bile fascination?
> 
> To answer your question, I don't believe that my behaviour will escalate. At the moment, I am questioning my motives. If I find out why I cheat, I can stop if I wish.


I you are indeed a sociopath of any level, I would agree that your behavior will escalate. The problem is that ‘things’, even humans who you treat at ‘things’ cannot fill the void. So you will need to use more and more… and this is where the damage to your wife, your daughter and others around you will come in.

In what ways do you think you will escalate?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> Why do you visit those forums?


My father was a habitual cheater. My ex-husband was also a habitual cheater. After my divorce I was engaged to a man who cheated with many women during our engagement. 

I seemed to always be the 'cherished one', the ‘good wife’, the ‘sweet daughter’. I have never had an affair with a married man nor cheated on my spouse. Unlike my mother who remained married until my father's death. I seem to be healthy enough to kick the cheater to the curb when I find out and they do not change their behavior.

After the ordeal with my engagement, I was in counseling and frequented/participated in sites like Marriage Builders and then visited the cheaters, and OW/OM forums. Morbid curiosity? I wanted to see what made the cheaters and the OW/OM click.

I have always been fascinated with observing human behavior… Love the Criminal Minds series.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> Ah, so you are trying to manipulate a manipulator? That is very sneaky of you.


The thing with manipulators is that to a person who understands manipulation finds them easy to peg. They tend to mistakenly think that they are much cleverer than they are. Eventually, with each success of manipulating the unwary, a manipulator’s ego gets to the point that they trip over themselves.

But a person who can peg a manipulator and who knows how the game works can out do a manipulator because their ego is not as over inflated.

Manipulators and liars have a lot in common.



Humble Married Man said:


> I agree. On the other hand, I am self-aware. Many others are not. This self-awareness allows me greater alacrity to change my pattern of behaviour. Or at the very least, minimise the emotional damage that I could potentially cause.


There is the ego I was talking about. You are no more self-aware than most manipulators/liars and sociopath’s. You just think you are. And this will be your undoing.



Humble Married Man said:


> Just as there is no reason not to cheat, there is no reason to cheat. One thing that frustrates me, is my inability to truly understand my own actions.


Oh there is a reason that you cheat. It’s your brain chemistry. Cheating is your addiction. Like cocaine it gives you the rush you need. While you might not feel empathy, you probably do not feel most emotions most humans feel, you see people as things.. this is very unfulfilling, unsatisfying. Most of us get hour emotional lows and highs through love, attachment to those we love, achievements at work.. like accomplishing things with an outstanding team. A sociopath only gets their brain chemistry highs from their own self-love and from putting themselves in situations that are dangerous, abusive of others, etc. And like cocaine, over time you need more of this behavior to get a greater high.

IF you want to see what is going on in your brain, go visit Dr. Amen. You can find him on the internet and make an appointment. He can show you in brain scans why you do what you do.




Humble Married Man said:


> I am genuinely unsure. If one is in need of help, the logical response would be to ask for it. Yet, I am compelled not to. In the same way that one is compelled to eat or drink if they feel unsated, I am compelled not to ask for help.


This is typical of the mentally ill. My nephew who is a paranoid schizophrenic is also not compelled to get help. He likes being a god. Before we got him locked up last summer he was planning to make some live/death choices for those who sinned against him. Thank goodness he called me and told me about his ascension into god-hood and his plans.. I was on his list. But he said that was ok because I would not suffer long ( I took care of him for some time so obviously I had sinned.)

My step children, both of them who suffer from bi-polar are also compelled to not get help. They LIKE the mania. They find the mania a good place to be, even if the downs are a bit rough.. and street drugs help them through the downs. 



Humble Married Man said:


> No, I don't use bullying as an excuse. That would be as trite as using a clichéd villian backstory as an excuse for my misdeeds. It may be a contributing factor however.


LOL.. there’s that ego again.. it will bit you in the arse one of these days… and good that does.


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> In what ways do you think you will escalate?


I don't believe that I will.

I don't like unnecessary complications. This is why I find my cheating fascinating. All of this premeditation for so little gain.



EleGirl said:


> My father was a habitual cheater. My ex-husband was also a habitual cheater. After my divorce I was engaged to a man who cheated with many women during our engagement.
> 
> I seemed to always be the 'cherished one', the ‘good wife’, the ‘sweet daughter’. I have never had an affair with a married man nor cheated on my spouse. Unlike my mother who remained married until my father's death. I seem to be healthy enough to kick the cheater to the curb when I find out and they do not change their behavior.
> 
> ...


Interesting. Like myself, you wish to learn.

So you used to be a very poor people picker..influenced by a sort of elektra complex perhaps?


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## Humble Married Man (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> LOL.. there’s that ego again.. it will bit you in the arse one of these days… and good that does.


I wouldn't be surprised if it did.


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## miscommunication (Oct 1, 2011)

H Married Man- I would normally not express sentiment like this and would instead just move about my business. But I want you to know that I dislike you. I don't know you but the attitude that comes across in your communication is that of being superior and self centered. You write as though you are highly educated and the general tone is one of exaggerated self worth. 

If I was to guess I would say that you do have higher education and I'm willing to wager that it is of a higher level than that of your wife. I would also bet that you hold this over her head as to constantly remind her of how superior you are to her. 

I may be totally wrong (it won't be the first or last time) but for me that character trait (some would call it a flaw) is a very negative thing to accentuate. If you are truly interested in learning more about what makes you cheat I would recommend that you do seek out professional counseling as what we see and say may in fact not be of any help to you.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

> The thing with manipulators is that to a person who understands manipulation finds them easy to peg. They tend to mistakenly think that they are much cleverer than they are. Eventually, with each success of manipulating the unwary, a manipulator’s ego gets to the point that they trip over themselves.
> 
> But a person who can peg a manipulator and who knows how the game works can out do a manipulator because their ego is not as over inflated.
> 
> Manipulators and liars have a lot in common.


I lived with a manipulator for 25 years. She used to hold lyng as the worst crime in the world and now lies habitually while at the same time trying to manipulate me and everyone around her. I now have zero tolerance for it. Of course I revealed what I was doing here, which I would not to a person who had any intention of change. Agreeing with a narcissist is intensely annoying to them!

All people in affairs display narcissistic tendencies. The OP has just jumped the shark. That's all. 

I am on this thread not for the OP but for the discussion in this area with you other good people. of course if out Humble_married_Man wants a read. Cool


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

miscommunication said:


> H Married Man- I would normally not express sentiment like this and would instead just move about my business. But I want you to know that I dislike you. I don't know you but the attitude that comes across in your communication is that of being superior and self centered. You write as though you are highly educated and the general tone is one of exaggerated self worth.
> 
> If I was to guess I would say that you do have higher education and I'm willing to wager that it is of a higher level than that of your wife. I would also bet that you hold this over her head as to constantly remind her of how superior you are to her.
> 
> I may be totally wrong (it won't be the first or last time) but for me that character trait (some would call it a flaw) is a very negative thing to accentuate. If you are truly interested in learning more about what makes you cheat I would recommend that you do seek out professional counseling as what we see and say may in fact not be of any help to you.


That superiority complex hides a massive and deep inferiority complex. Go see a Psych OP . Better make it a smart one too..


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Jesus Claus, where are the moderators?

:banhim:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Humble Married Man said:


> I don't believe that I will.
> 
> I don't like unnecessary complications. This is why I find my cheating fascinating. All of this premeditation for so little gain.
> Interesting. Like myself, you wish to learn.
> ...


No, not an Electra complex… so very Freudian. Lol. Freud was wrong often on the motivations he ascribed to women. But they were typical for his day.

As I said earlier by father was a habitual cheater. He was also absent a good part of the time. He was a liar by profession actually.. a spy. 

He spoke 10 languages fluently. Put him into a community, within minutes his entire demeanor would be that of someone who had grown up there, down to the accent, voice intonations, the way he carried himself… we called him the “Chameleon”.

My mother was an opera singer and concert pianist with a degree in music who gave up a successful, budding career at the NY Met. She gave it all up for marriage and raised 8 children mostly on her own. (Women in those days did that.) She was very abusive to all of us; out of complete frustration and depression I am convinced. We mostly lived in places around the world where we as a family were very isolated, living among the indigenous community.

My father knew that she was abusive but told us that our mother was not well and we had to just put up with it. 

My issue was that I had a lack of boundaries. A therapist explained it to me once. People who cheat habitually, abuse, etc look for partners who have no boundaries. When they are looking for a partner they will do little things that are not ‘quite right’. Most women would walk away. But in the end, the one with no boundaries; the one who is oh-so-understanding and makes excuses for bad behavior; the one who had been taught by her father that she had to put up with her mother’s abuse was still there.

It’s an elimination process and the last one standing is the one that the victimizer hooks up with. He now has his victim… a willing victim at that. Hopefully she will wake up sooner than later. (I use ‘he’, ‘she’ here for the rolls for ease of writing. A woman can be the victimizer such as easily as a man can be the victim.)

Once the therapist told me that, it all clicked. I’m a different person now. I draw strong boundaries. My nephew is in a mental ward. My step-children are no allowed in my home even though I raised them and love them. An so forth..

This is, I am sure the same type of behavior you use to hone in on your ‘mistresses’, as you call them. It’s the same one you used to pick your poor wife. Are you aware of yourself doing this?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

There's no doubt in my mind that this is a troll thread.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

If this isn't a troll.... I don't think the question is "why do I cheat" I think the question is *why are you married?*

You just said you have the inability to care about other people.... So, why are you married? And why did you decide to have children?


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

I am genuinely unsure. If one is in need of help, the logical response would be to ask for it. Yet, I am compelled not to. In the same way that one is compelled to eat or drink if they feel unsated, I am compelled not to ask for help.

No, I don't use bullying as an excuse. That would be as trite as using a clichéd villian backstory as an excuse for my misdeeds. It may be a contributing factor however.[/QUOTE]

Then do your wife a favor and let her go, geez...or at least tell her this whole twisted thing and let her decide for herself....you are robbing this woman of a happy, fully functional marriage. The only reason she's happy and thinks it's a happy marriage is because you are a good liar....


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

miscommunication said:


> H Married Man- I would normally not express sentiment like this and would instead just move about my business. But I want you to know that I dislike you. I don't know you but the attitude that comes across in your communication is that of being superior and self centered. You write as though you are highly educated and the general tone is one of exaggerated self worth.
> 
> If I was to guess I would say that you do have higher education and I'm willing to wager that it is of a higher level than that of your wife. I would also bet that you hold this over her head as to constantly remind her of how superior you are to her.
> 
> I may be totally wrong (it won't be the first or last time) but for me that character trait (some would call it a flaw) is a very negative thing to accentuate. If you are truly interested in learning more about what makes you cheat I would recommend that you do seek out professional counseling as what we see and say may in fact not be of any help to you.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: With EVERYTHING you just said....


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Enough said.


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