# Sad for me, but especially her.



## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

My wife and I have been emailing back and forth all day and it was getting a little flirty. She happened to make mention of taking a bath with me with a glass of wine. To which I said I love. So she responded about how I'd like it warm and slippery in the bath.......so she got my senses up and I felt she was a little bit into some flirting and asking some sexual questions. 

So I asked her if she had any fantasies. To which her response was, "Honestly I don’t. I am boring in that way." 

So I asked one more question, "How about triggers? Like something during the day that makes you think about me and wanting to be with me? Both physically and mentally?" To which her response was, "I guess I don’t have that kind of makeup. There is nothing that really triggers thoughts about you. I just always have you in the back of my mind. What I am going to cook for you for dinner, fun things we can do together. $exually I am different in that way I guess." 

I don't know how I should feel about this, I'm sad for her and obvious for jealous reasons, somewhat sad for myself. 

Our sex life isn't horrible, actually it's been pretty decent for some time. It used to be horrible. I know we are all wired differently, but I just wish I could make her think of my physically through different triggers during the day.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

CalBanker said:


> My wife and I have been emailing back and forth all day and it was getting a little flirty. She happened to make mention of taking a bath with me with a glass of wine. To which I said I love. So she responded about how I'd like it warm and slippery in the bath.......so she got my senses up and I felt she was a little bit into some flirting and asking some sexual questions.
> 
> So I asked her if she had any fantasies. To which her response was, "Honestly I don’t. I am boring in that way."
> 
> ...


If this is the case, then why are you concerned about it? Is it usual that you would have these flirty conversations? I actually think its really nice that you are able to do that. I would love to be able to do this with hubby during the day.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Yep, I know where you are coming from. I think the partner with the lower expectations is often happy with the current state of sex. The partner with the higher expectations can see the potential and want to achieve the potential. So it is sad, yes, because you have an idea of how great it could be - and also have to face that it might never happen with your current partner.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> If this is the case, then why are you concerned about it? Is it usual that you would have these flirty conversations? I actually think its really nice that you are able to do that. I would love to be able to do this with hubby during the day.


Maybe I didn't get my disappointment across.....I'm disappointed that she has no fantasies and has nothing that triggers thoughts about me during the say sexually. I can see a pair of shoes on another woman and it makes me think of my wife, I can hear a song and think about my wife, I can remember a taste and think about my wife. And when I start thinking about her, it typically will go to how close I want to be with her and how I want to be with her sexually.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Trying to coax your wife into embracing her dirty mind?

Men have sexual thoughts a lot. I read a long time ago that men think of sex or sex related thoughts like every 7 minutes on average. It's because your penis is a feedback loop to your brain and as soon as baby boy finds his penis that feedback loop forms and grows and by adolescence it's already VERY strong. A mans sexuality is very overt!

A woman, OTOH, has a very subtle sexual feedback loop because our bodies are so different, our clitoris so hidden (not to mention very very unacceptable in all cultures for a girl or woman to be caught touching themselves) so our feedback is developed through intentionality. We have to teach ourselves to think about sex.

Here is an example.
Give your wife a statue that can innocuously sit on her desk. Maybe an Art Deco kind of statue with very feminine lines... Describe for her how this statue resembles her, how touching it represents touching her. Have your wife look at the statue as you two have sex. Now the statue can serve as a constant and subtle reminder of sex, particularly if each time she touched it, she remembered how it felt each time you touched her.

Call her on the phone and instruct her to very lightly run her fingernails up her arms, in a soft and sensuous way. Tell her you're thinking about touching her in other places as she lightly runs her fingers up and down her arm. Next day, send a text reminding her to do this again while you think of touching her.

These two examples are intentional feedback loops you two have created. You can think of other ways to do this also.

For those of us women who have embraced our dirty minds and have a higher sex drive it is because we, either on purpose or by accident, created sexual feedback loops that keep our minds on sexual thoughts.

Men learn this almost automatically just by growing up. Women don't. So try not to take it personally, though I'm sure it stings a bit.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Yep, I know where you are coming from. I think the partner with the lower expectations is often happy with the current state of sex. The partner with the higher expectations can see the potential and want to achieve the potential. So it is sad, yes, because you have an idea of how great it could be - and also have to face that it might never happen with your current partner.


But I too feel sad for her that she doesn't have certain things that she'd like to experience sexually with me. Granted....it is of no importance to her, so I guess their isn't anything to be sad about.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

CalBanker said:


> Maybe I didn't get my disappointment across.....I'm disappointed that she has no fantasies and has nothing that triggers thoughts about me during the say sexually. I can see a pair of shoes on another woman and it makes me think of my wife, I can hear a song and think about my wife, I can remember a taste and think about my wife. And when I start thinking about her, it typically will go to how close I want to be with her and how I want to be with her sexually.


You're a sensuous guy! Your wife is lucky!

She does have fantasies! She just can't be open about them yet. She has to embrace her dirty mind first.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Trying to coax your wife into embracing her dirty mind?
> 
> Men have sexual thoughts a lot. I read a long time ago that men think of sex or sex related thoughts like every 7 minutes on average. It's because your penis is a feedback loop to your brain and as soon as baby boy finds his penis that feedback loop forms and grows and by adolescence it's already VERY strong. A mans sexuality is very overt!
> 
> ...


Anon, I didn't use the exact example you gave me in regards to putting some of her perfume on a tissue, but in our flirty emails I talked to her about how I love the smell of her hair and how it was within my nose right now as I was imagining washing her hair and breathing her in. Her response....."you dork"

So yep, it does sting a little bit.

Like I said, I'm not mad or pissed about my sex life, but some days I do think about what it could be.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> You're a sensuous guy! Your wife is lucky!
> 
> She does have fantasies! She just can't be open about them yet. She has to embrace her dirty mind first.


I agree. Your wife is lucky and maybe she just needs some time. I would try talking to her face to face and maybe that would make it more comfortable. I know when H and I have conversations in bed, when its nice and dark, it just seems more sensual to me.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

CalBanker said:


> Anon, I didn't use the exact example you gave me in regards to putting some of her perfume on a tissue, but in our flirty emails I talked to her about how I love the smell of her hair and how it was within my nose right now as I was imagining washing her hair and breathing her in. Her response....."you dork"
> 
> So yep, it does sting a little bit.
> 
> Like I said, I'm not mad or pissed about my sex life, but some days I do think about what it could be.


Maybe your wife doesn't want to get turned on at work? I know I have done this before because it wasn't the place or time. Could this be the reason?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

CalBanker said:


> Anon, I didn't use the exact example you gave me in regards to putting some of her perfume on a tissue, but in our flirty emails I talked to her about how I love the smell of her hair and how it was within my nose right now as I was imagining washing her hair and breathing her in. Her response....."you dork".


I hope she got a spanking for being flip!:whip: 

Don't let those comments slow you down at all!

We women sometimes shoot ourselves in the foot. Eye rolling at a compliment, calling your husband a dork for being so damn sexy... It's all a cover up for how good those things make her feel. 

Be bold, be confident and insist she show appreciation for you loving her.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> I agree. Your wife is lucky and maybe she just needs some time. I would try talking to her face to face and maybe that would make it more comfortable. I know when H and I have conversations in bed, when its nice and dark, it just seems more sensual to me.


I will give this a try. But I know her and she is not one to talk about her sexuality. Unfortunately she is a very very beautiful 35 yr old woman that I can't get enough of, but she doesn't find it appropriate to talk about it. It makes her uncomfortable. To which I don't get.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Maybe your wife doesn't want to get turned on at work? I know I have done this before because it wasn't the place or time. Could this be the reason?


I don't know if that is the case at all, because I don't think it would matter if it was work or not.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I hope she got a spanking for being flip!:whip:
> 
> Don't let those comments slow you down at all!
> 
> ...


I don't let these things slow me down....I just keep pushing forward. Because when I do break through sometimes, she can't get enough. 

I know I might be way to open and comfortable in my sexuality, but to not have fantasies or triggers?


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Maybe just let her know what your fantasies are and see if she will take it from there. I wish my H would talk to me like this. It would be ON!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Anon Pink said:


> Trying to coax your wife into embracing her dirty mind?
> 
> Men have sexual thoughts a lot. I read a long time ago that men think of sex or sex related thoughts like every 7 minutes on average. It's because your penis is a feedback loop to your brain and as soon as baby boy finds his penis that feedback loop forms and grows and by adolescence it's already VERY strong. A mans sexuality is very overt!
> 
> ...


Thanks for this Anon Pink... it was really interesting... I've always wondered why I have such a dirty mind...


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

imhisbeautifuldisaster said:


> Maybe just let her know what your fantasies are and see if she will take it from there. I wish my H would talk to me like this. It would be ON!


But I don't want to push my fantasies on her. I want her to share her own. I just have a very hard time thinking that a man/woman would have no fantasies. 

If she would ask about my fantasies, I was would gladly share, but I want to know what might drive her up the wall! 

My wife and I have found such a good place these days and I just want to do best by her. I think about her all the time and want to know what might make her happy sexually.

I know what she likes around the house, I take care of the laundry, I vacuum, I clean the kitchen, I do homework with the kids, I get the kids bathed. I know she loves that and I know that can get her in the mood sometimes. But I'm searching for that selfish part in her, that part that says I want to be taken care of in the bedroom and I want him to do this to me.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It's a terrible thing to waste a dirty mind!


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

CalBanker said:


> But I don't want to push my fantasies on her. I want her to share her own. I just have a very hard time thinking that a man/woman would have no fantasies.
> 
> If she would ask about my fantasies, I was would gladly share, but I want to know what might drive her up the wall!
> 
> ...


Ah, I see. I understand what you mean. You know now that I think about it, I wouldn't really know what to say to my H if he asked me this, but I would damn well think of something if its going to get things going. Seems like you are very happy and she is too. I would just give her some time to think about it. Maybe she was caught of guard?


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> It's a terrible thing to waste a dirty mind!


Pretty sure your my new favorite person!:smthumbup:


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> It's a terrible thing to waste a dirty mind!


Yeah, but then if you could put two dirty minds together......holy moly, can you imagine! Some of you may already have this, but if my wife thought about her sexuality even about 10% as much as I do.......I'd be walking around with a perma-smile!!!


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

many woman have a hard time being sexual. It is why you have to gain their trust, make sure they are not overly stressed. It is also why so many have not even really explored their own bodies. Many have never found their own G spot. Many have had few to no orgasms etc... The ones that do not have these problems are sexual beings. She can snap out of this, but needs to want to. I recommend you become as much of an expert on sex as you can, learn all the types of orgasms and how to go about giving those to your W, and teach her to let her guard down with you, to a level she has not achieved as of yet. 
Getting some woman out of this "shell" is not necessarily easy, but can be fun for both of you and will certainly be rewarding in the long run. 
I guarantee if you can have her climbing the walls with an unbelievable orgasm anytime you want. She will start to think about it more often.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

dontbeused said:


> many woman have a hard time being sexual. It is why you have to gain their trust, make sure they are not overly stressed. It is also why so many have not even really explored their own bodies. Many have never found their own G spot. Many have had few to no orgasms etc... The ones that do not have these problems are sexual beings. She can snap out of this, but needs to want to. I recommend you become as much of an expert on sex as you can, learn all the types of orgasms and how to go about giving those to your W, and teach her to let her guard down with you, to a level she has not achieved as of yet.
> Getting some woman out of this "shell" is not necessarily easy, but can be fun for both of you and will certainly be rewarding in the long run.
> I guarantee if you can have her climbing the walls with an unbelievable orgasm anytime you want. She will start to think about it more often.


Most definitely working on the "climbing the wall" part!!!


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## dontbeused (Nov 15, 2013)

CalBanker said:


> Most definitely working on the "climbing the wall" part!!!


I used this method, and unleashed all the information I had gathered and learned all at once on my W. Now sex is daily, miss one day a week at most. She texts me, flirts, and in general has become a goddess in the sack. She is now comfortable with her body and 100% lets go of her insecurities with me. This creates quite a bond, and we were once every week at best prior, and the sex was vanilla. trust me when I tell you it works, but only if she appreciates the effort and is willing to try to let go of the insecurities that are holding her back.
You need to take stuff off of her plate to start this process. dishes, kids, laundry, draw a bath for her, massages, etc.. She needs to know how you feel through your actions.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

dontbeused said:


> I used this method, and unleashed all the information I had gathered and learned all at once on my W. Now sex is daily, miss one day a week at most. She texts me, flirts, and in general has become a goddess in the sack. She is now comfortable with her body and 100% lets go of her insecurities with me. This creates quite a bond, and we were once every week at best prior, and the sex was vanilla. trust me when I tell you it works, but only if she appreciates the effort and is willing to try to let go of the insecurities that are holding her back.
> You need to take stuff off of her plate to start this process. dishes, kids, laundry, draw a bath for her, massages, etc.. She needs to know how you feel through your actions.


Yep, already been taking that step. The only thing that I'm cautious about, is basically "buying" my sex. I'm already discussed it in a thread in regards to buying her bras and panties to make her feel sexy. I already do a lot of the laundry, vacuuming, and child rearing. I am going to basically make it that she can have a lot of time to herself, but in return, I do feel that their should be some reciprocation. Not going to say that and not going to lead onto that. But I feel that I'm going to make a huge effort, I'd just hope for a little effort from her. 

I still just don't get it, you have a hubby that wants to spoil you mentally and physically, and you just don't want to buy into it. Damn mind, why does it have to get in the way of others pleasure......


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

CalBanker said:


> Anon, I didn't use the exact example you gave me in regards to putting some of her perfume on a tissue, but in our flirty emails I talked to her about how I love the smell of her hair and how it was within my nose right now as I was imagining washing her hair and breathing her in. Her response....."you dork"
> 
> So yep, it does sting a little bit.
> 
> Like I said, I'm not mad or pissed about my sex life, but some days I do think about what it could be.


Yep, I was thinking about how my wife would laugh until passing out if I said any of that kind of stuff to her. She wants me to be more romantic, but can't take me seriously when I try.


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## A.non.y.mouse (Jul 26, 2013)

Firstly, I`m a pretty HD person. Granted I'm in my mid-20`s and newly engaged, but I have always wanted\had a pretty active sex life. That being said, if my fiance were to ask me to share my fantasies, I wouldn`t know what the heck to say! When I think of a fantasy, I think of the threesome, sex-in-the-elevator scenario.. And no thanks. I mean, elevator rides are a tad short for that.  

Still, I think of my fiance constantly. I think about us in sexual scenarios constantly. I`d be up for basically whatever he fantasized about (clearly barring my aversion to elevators  but I don't necessarily have "fantasies." Sure, there are things I would like to try more in bed, but I wouldn't consider it a fantasy. 

I`m basically just trying to say not to feel bad for your wife. Just because she doesn't have an active fantasy scenario doesn't mean she doesn't think about you sexually. Maybe she thinks about your current sex life. Next time you ask her, you should share some of yours first. I know for me, that would help me kind of understand what you meant by fantasy without putting me on the spot and helping me really think about some of my own. She probably has things that she doesn't really know are "fantasies" that you`d love to hear! 

Hopefully you got at least a little out of that


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> It's a terrible thing to waste a dirty mind!


Anon have I ever told you I really like you! You should be teaching a class on this stuff.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

CalBanker said:


> But I don't want to push my fantasies on her. I want her to share her own. I just have a very hard time thinking that a man/woman would have no fantasies.


I understand what you are saying. My wife also claims she has no fantasies. What I have found is that during sex, when she gets into it, she is much more forth coming about what she wants and what turns her on. By listening closely, I have been able to piece together some things that she loves and are very likely part of her fantasies. 

So see if you can get her to talk a bit about what she likes while you are into it, and see if you can't figure out what she wants.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

Well I think sending her emails and even asking her about fantasies and triggers got her juices flowing. She might say she doesn't have fantasies and triggers, but I don't think she realizes that she does. 

I was at gymnastics with my daughter and got a text from her saying, "pick up some wine, I want to play Yahtzee in bed" And we really do play Yahtzee in bed, but she has made it even better by putting wagers on it. When a Yahtzee is rolled, you get to pick where you want the spouse to kiss you, if you win the game, you get to pick the sexual act to be performed. So when I got that text, I knew it was on!

I get home and the kids are playing and I ask her about my email earlier in the day about fantasies and triggers. She seems a little uncomfortable but she thinks about it. She doesn't think she has anything. But then I mention about how we are going to Hawaii, and immediately she mentions how she would like to be with me on the beach!!!! Bingo honey!!!! You have a fantasy!!!!

So thank you imhisbeautifuldisaster for encouraging me to follow up in person. 

Oh and then this morning.....this feisty woman of mine wasn't satisfied with my O last night.....so I get woken up for another O!!! Man, get her going and things are good. Just gotta work to find the things that trigger her.

And Anon, I told her this morning that I wanted her panties from last night. They are in my pocket. She emailed me and asked if I seriously have them in my pocket at work. I think she likes that.

Also I sent her a picture of my ear, in the caption I said, "I know this is a little risqué……but I wanted you to see the body part of me that is just dying to be touched again and have the shivers go down my neck!!!! Arrrrr…….." She called me up laughing, but said it had her so turned on.

I love my sexy wife!!!


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