# Wife Wants Space - Married less than a year



## husband02314 (Mar 24, 2014)

I've been reading a lot of posts on here and I felt compelled to post my situation. It seems like a pretty common issue. My Wife and I have been married less than a year, I'm 27 she's 28. We were together for 3 years before that and lived together for 2 years prior to marriage. We both have well paying jobs (she makes a little more than I do, which I'm fine with).

Without giving our whole lifetime story, we've basically been living separate lives for the past month or two. We were in the talks of starting to 'try' for a child when we got married, and started trying. About two weeks ago, she told me she wanted to get back on the pill and changed her mind about having a child. This was confusing, but I wasn't going to pressure her into having a child. If she wasn't ready, I wasn't ready. 

I sensed something was wrong, but never brought it up (bad communication from both of us, since I'm not a mind reader, and I didn't ask her about it). She started to get more distant, and we talked less. I then brought something up last week, and then we had the talk. Things were not good in her eyes. We were 'Best Friends living together' and not Husband and Wife. We were going in separate directions. 

A few things she said that stuck out in my head, were that when she wanted to do something, she didn't care that I wasn't there with her or if she went out with friends, it didn't matter one way or the other that I was there. I felt the same thing when I went out with my friends, she didn't want to come along (mostly sports related once a week). 

I was a bad communicator (I do not like talking on the phone, but she does). When I traveled for work, once or twice a month, I wouldn't call my wife, but I would text her. This was definitely an error on my part, and I've accepted that, and added that to the list of things I need to work on. I love her to death and I want to make this work, I just don't know if it's the same way on the other side.

I asked if we could seek out a counselor, and she said she didn't even know if she wanted to at this point (meaning she didn't want to put forth the effort to save something that wasn't there). 

I asked her if she had feelings for someone else, she came back with simply "No", however that is still in the back of my mind after reading a lot of posts on here. 

We're living separately right now, I'm on my friends couch. She said she wanted space, so I'm respecting that (it's very, very hard to do). We do text every once in a while to check on each other, make sure we're both doing all right. 

I want to say so much to her, but also respect her requested space at the same time. There was no definitive time frame she said she needed. Deep down I feel like if I stay away and not talk to her, she's just going to want to get a divorce and stay away. I want to show her how much I love her, since I did a terrible job of that the last few months. 

As of now, the time being apart from my Wife, I've written down a list of things I either want to say, or work on. It's the little things I miss from seeing her every day. The trial separation at this point has definitely opened my eyes and I don't necessarily want or need more space. It's very sad on both of our parts that it had to come to this prior to us trying to correct it in the first place.

Since I wasn't told a definitive timeframe, how long should I wait before I try and initiate either on the phone or face to face interaction? Should the first time we talk on the phone or in person be about just normal conversation, or should we talk about what's going on in our relationship?

I appreciate any help you all can provide from your experiences or opinions.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

First off... If she's not happy, why are YOU on a friend's couch? Second, find out who the other man is. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saywhen (Mar 24, 2014)

You sound like you really, really love her and want it to work. She on the other hand, sounds like she's given up. I'm sorry.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Move back in if she wants space have her go find it and yes like Pbear said find out who the other man is.
Put a voice activated recorder in the house and one in her car you should have your answer within a week and transfer this thread to CWI you will get alot of help there.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Married less than a year and she is distant?
You guys should be in the honeymoon phase if there isn't another man she will be trolling for one.
Do you have access to her phone records check those.
But move back in now.


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## husband02314 (Mar 24, 2014)

@tom67 I don't think the voice recorder would do much good, since i believe they do all their talking via text. I dont have access to her phone nor do I want to do that. I want to ask her and have her tell me straight up if this is going on or not.


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## husband02314 (Mar 24, 2014)

I'm going to move back in tonight. She's going to stay with her mom. Hopefully it will be good for her to spend some time around her mom and get her advice.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

husband02314 said:


> @tom67 I don't think the voice recorder would do much good, since i believe they do all their talking via text. I dont have access to her phone nor do I want to do that. I want to ask her and have her tell me straight up if this is going on or not.


Unfortunately husband cheaters lie and will deny,deny,deny without proof in their face.
You have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it.


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## husband02314 (Mar 24, 2014)

I did a poor job of communication, I'll admit that. I was being distant as well. But being apart from her for the last 5 days, has really made me think things over, and everything I overlooked. I think it's a coin flip if she is cheating or not. She may have thought about cheating, which caused this whole situation, but I could be just be ignorant.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

:iagree:
Tom is right. Check cell phone asap.

Move home. Get into your own bed. Read MMSLP and other self help stuff on the dynamics of desire.

Read Bagdon's thread.

Read Gut Punch.

Even if infidelity has not yet occurred, you must realise that separation is a license to have sex with new partners. Or POSOM whom you did not know about.

Are you overweight? Smoke? Cut out all of that stuff. Avoid drinking. Drink less than you usually do.

Does your wife's family have issues? How may times was her mother married?

Can you go home in the morning after she goes to work and see if OM's underwear and tooth brush exist?

She has checked out and you are right that waiting will not help.


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## husband02314 (Mar 24, 2014)

Her mother and father got divorced about 3 years after they had her. I do not smoke, and rarely drink. I am not in shape by any means but I'm not overweight. 6'3 215. I can't check her cell phone if I don't ever see her.


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## husband02314 (Mar 24, 2014)

I'll be home today before she gets home from work.


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## husband02314 (Mar 24, 2014)

One stipulation about the 'home' thing... she owned the home prior to me moving in it, and we never put my name on the deed or mortgage. However I did pay half every month out of my own personal account. My name is on all the bills we pay together. Not sure about all the legality of it all, if I tell her I'm not moving out.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

husband02314 said:


> One stipulation about the 'home' thing... she owned the home prior to me moving in it, and we never put my name on the deed or mortgage. However I did pay half every month out of my own personal account. My name is on all the bills we pay together. Not sure about all the legality of it all, if I tell her I'm not moving out.


It's your home.

Do you think she was anxious to marry because her biological clock is ticking? Did she settle for you, believing that she could have done better is only she had accept some other guy who asked her earlier?

Her personal history is not positive. She lacked a good family from an early age. Not having the intact family is normal for her.


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## husband02314 (Mar 24, 2014)

Yeah I'm the complete opposite. My parents are still together, going on 40 years. they of course had their tough times, but they worked on it together and made it through. I'll be going home and talking with her on the phone tonight. I'm going to ask her to be honest with me and ask if she is cheating, or thought about cheating, and if that's what is causing this.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

husband02314 said:


> Yeah I'm the complete opposite. My parents are still together, going on 40 years. they of course had their tough times, but they worked on it together and made it through. I'll be going home and talking with her on the phone tonight. I'm going to ask her to be honest with me and ask if she is cheating, or thought about cheating, and if that's what is causing this.


She has no reason to be honest with you about cheating on you. The odds of her coming clean about something like that without you having any kind of proof is very very slim. So using that as a basis for what you decide to do is not your best choice, IMHO. You'd be better off going on the assumption that she IS seeing someone else, until you find a different/more logical reason for her wanting out of the marriage. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Well you don't want to be in limbo forever.
Figure out what YOU want because this is not normal behavior 7 months into a marriage.
Give yourself a set time in separation.
PIs are expensive can you or a friend of yours track her for a night or two.
Unless you are done with her then forget it but you have to find out what you are up against in my opinion.
Forget about confronting her until you have proof or if you want to take her or at least request she get a polygraph then see her reaction.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why would she tell you?

VAR your home.

Actually if there is an OM, it at least means there is someone to fight off instead just a WAW.

Your best bet is to file for divorce. Beat her to the punch. That will an impression on her.

On the financial side you can easily calculated a fair settlement. Whatever you paid in rent for your apartment can be counted as something you gained so do some calculation on what equity you may or may not have and offer to write her a check or visa versa. If you got gifts, bought appliances or furniture, you ought be able split them.

Once you have filed and come to an agreement say good luck and goodbye. If she misses you enough, she'll put out feelers. Doesn't sound like it. When you are on Fakebook with photo that show you socializing with mixed company, she may become jealous. In her mind no other attractive woman wants you.


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## husband02314 (Mar 24, 2014)

I must admit, this is not what I was expecting at all. But unfortunately now is all I can think about.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

husband02314 said:


> I must admit, this is not what I was expecting at all. But unfortunately now is all I can think about.


Just remember you can't "nice" her back to you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read some other threads. Shamwow is good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

husband02314 said:


> I must admit, this is not what I was expecting at all. But unfortunately now is all I can think about.


What were you expecting?

There is a possibility that she doesn't have another guy in the works. But the odds of that being the case are low, given the length of your marriage. That's more often the case with a "walk away wife", where the wife has tried for years to get her needs met in the marriage to no avail, and suddenly decides she's had enough. You haven't been together long enough that this is a strong likelihood. And even then, it would be smart to eliminate the "more likely" option (that there's another man). 

I wish you well. I hope you can find the root cause of the divide, and it's fixable. But you first need to find what the problem is. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## husband02314 (Mar 24, 2014)

I appreciate all your feedback and suggestions. I'm back in the house now, and was able to get access to her messages via the computer. Here is what I found:
There is no evidence of cheating. However she was texting this guy (guy that she works with) about a lot of work stuff and a few other things. She was also texting him things about things she should have been talking with me about (it wasn't very often, maybe 1 or 2 days a week. 

Here are my thoughts:
She was getting the communication from this other guy that she wasn't getting from me. She realized this and then had second thoughts about our marriage and what she wasn't getting. 

I looked through all her other messages to see if there was anything, and I found nothing in relation. She does have a lady friend that she talked to about this situation (friend from her work), but it was via a phone call and had her come over so they could talk about it. 

I saw her face to face and we talked about it. She still doesn't know how she feels. I do however, feel as though she does want to talk with me. I said she could call me and she said I could call her. 

It will take time to rebuild that communication part of the relationship, but I do believe that I can get that back eventually. What are all your thoughts on this situation now?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

> There is no evidence of cheating. However she was texting this guy (guy that she works with) about a lot of work stuff and a few other things. She was also texting him things about things she should have been talking with me about (it wasn't very often, maybe 1 or 2 days a week.


What things? Please explain.

Don't approach these discussions in a defensive frame of mind. What if anything does she wonder about you?


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## jj-page (Sep 23, 2012)

> She was also texting him things about things she should have been talking with me about (it wasn't very often, maybe 1 or 2 days a week.


I don't know about you but isn't this a start of an EA? With my Ex-wife it started off with 1 or 2 weeks talking to her old boyfriend from 30 years ago and then got increasingly frequent within the next few months. Then she had a PA with the dude and now we are divorced. 

She moved out and I still have the house.

When my wife started to be very private (locking doors), "need my space", wanted to separate and even though I asked if there was another man, she denied it every time. But my cheater detector was red lining!! I confirmed she was having an affair, hired a PI when she went on her "business trip" and then downloaded all her emails from her computer including the video she made for the OM. 

Be careful. If you are going to spy.. whatever you do.. do not get caught!!! And check any laws in your State.

I also recorded our conversations as we discussed separation (which is legal in my State). It certainly came in handy when she said, "You never asked me if I was having an affair, you lie". Then I played her the recording... and her mouth dropped. 

Mine went through a midlife crisis and they will lie, manipulate, control and become really selfish. You seem younger so may not be applicable. Just be careful and keep those cheater detector skills attuned.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

"I need space" is womanese for "I've met someone..."


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