# Desperate situation - Need Help



## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Hi:

I am married soon to be divorced to a woman with whom I have had and on and off again relationship for 14 years. We have 3 children.

My wife has cheated on me 3 times. 

She is totally incapable of telling the truth to anyone about anything. 

She cannot stand to have a simple discussion regarding any form of financial, emotional or other responsibility at all. 

She consistently runs our finances into the ground.

She avoids any personal responsibility for anything and blames me for getting mad about this stuff. She sees no part in her behavior.

She pretends like everything is perfect in her life even though they are shutting off the electricity, water and phone services to our house. This is after having had the money to pay for all of this stuff.

She has no plans whatsoever as if nothing matters at all. 

She behaves as if there are no consequences and refuses to be held accountable for anything.

She is very attractive and uses romantic intrigue with other men to manipulate me. Her only real focus is on how she looks and her ability to garner interest from men at bars.

I feel like I am in a hopeless situation as I am headed into divorce with her. I cannot get her to respond, acknowledge any of my requests for her to help me figure out the financial concerns, housing, schooling, visitation with the kids.

I am deeply saddened by this.

I feel completely ripped off for having provided and contributed to this person for many years.

I know I have should never of considered getting back together with her. I know my decisions to reconcile for the children's benefit have really been harmful. I fell like I can move on from this marriage.

How do cope with the never ending uncertainty and lack of cooperation from her? I am always left worrying, stressing about and fixing the problems after they have broken into pieces on the floor.

Please help.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Have you guys gone to marriage counselling?

I'm not saying this will change the situation for you, but I do know that this is something that helped by stbxh see what his issues were. It's one thing YOU saying something.. but when you have someone else.. it may sink in.

But I say MC doesn't always work, because even when things "sink in" that person still has to act in order to change.


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

She is totally unwilling to go to counseling. She simply turned her back and walked away on everything I mentioned. Nothing seems to matter to her. All of our affairs are being destroyed as if they mean nothing.


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## feeling useless (Sep 10, 2013)

So sorry for your situation, have you considered getting full custody of the kids?


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Ha! I think I married her twin. Im divorcing mine as well. If she wont put any effort into the divorce, im sorry to say, you will have to do it all. If you havent already done so, consult with attorney, retain one. work on filing for divorce. Who knows, maybe once she is served, it might wake her up. But, if she is like my AxW, any change in her will be temporary just to get you to back off. It is high time you protect yourself and your children.


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

toonaive said:


> Ha! I think I married her twin. Im divorcing mine as well. If she wont put any effort into the divorce, im sorry to say, you will have to do it all. If you havent already done so, consult with attorney, retain one. work on filing for divorce. Who knows, maybe once she is served, it might wake her up. But, if she is like my AxW, any change in her will be temporary just to get you to back off. It is high time you protect yourself and your children.


No I haven't considered custody yet. Not sure how I would be able to prove alot of this in court.

Hey Tooniave: how long did you struggle with this? I am in week 3. It hurts like hell to feel like I have lost everything to this behavior? Hard letting go for lots of reasons. 

Thanks for the replies here
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

All you can do is detach. As painful as it may be, you have to. You have to take the reins and just do what needs doing and don't rely on her for anything. 

I had to do that from my first husband. He was a serial cheater and totally irresponsible with money. So when I was pregnant, I bought cloth diapers, knowing I wouldn't have the money for disposables most of the time. That's just one example. When I finally left I took the kids and never looked back. It was FAR easier being a single mom with 3 little ones than it was being married to him.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Why have you tolerated this relationship for so long?

Its the same question I had to answer. My ex is eerily similar to yours. She's BPD with a healthy does of histrionic PD mixed in (dxed by yours truly). Same goes for Ceegee, Pbartender, and some others here.

Your ex is broken/disordered. She is not LTR material. You've more than likely developed co-dependent behavior during this toxic relationship.

Here's an article, for starts. You are in for quite a journey.

Obsessing Over an Abusive Ex: Thoughts on Being Stuck | Shrink4Men

Consult with a lawyer. Learn the D laws in your state. Go for 50/50 co-parenting.

Stop funding her party-girl lifestyle. Separate your finances now.

Get STD tested.

Relationships with disordered people are like addictions. It's hard to give them up. You don't love her. You are *attached* to her, and your* image* of a happy family.

Does she badmouth you to friends and family? Has she isolated you from your family/friends?

I gotta run, but stick around. You will get tons of good advice here.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

_I totally get it_. You feel like you've invested years of your life on this woman....only to be lied to and get your heart broken time after time. You are having a hard time wanting to throw that away. *It sucks*. I'm there myself at the moment. *Your heart* wants everything to be fine and you want your family back to the way it once was. *Your head* says this can't be fixed. *Your head is right*. No matter what happens, you will never _EVER_ be able to trust her again. 

Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? You don't deserve that. Nobody does. Your wife is not a good person. She is a narcissist. She will continue to put herself first for the rest of her life. That is who she is as a person. As for coping? It's going to be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. There is no way to accelerate the process. Time is the only thing that will truly heal. There are certainly ways to delay the healing process, but don't expect to be happy anytime soon. 

Do your best to take care of yourself in the meantime. You are in for a rough ride. I'm almost 4 months in and I still feel like complete sh!t. Continue to post and read the forums daily for support because you will need it. Try to stick to the 180 plan for your sanity. I feel for you my friend...I really do. Take care.


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

Sorry hon but it sounds like you are going to have to do it all yourself. Get a lawyer and start getting all the paperwork in order. I probably shouldn't say this and it may prove unpopular, but if she is spending all the money and being really irresponsible with your assets you should look into moving things so she doesn't have access to dispose of them? Speak to the lawyer about this though! Also, just to clarify I am NOT saying hide assets or money, just move it where she can't just nip away at it until it is gone. Do what's best for you and your kids ... also look into custody of the kids too ... again unfortunately at the expense of a lawyer. Good luck! x


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Brokenman85 said:


> I totally get it. You feel like you've invested years of your life to this woman....only to be lied to and get your heart broken time after time. You are having a hard time wanting to throw that away. It sucks. I'm there myself at the moment. Your heart wants everything to be fine and you want your family back to the way it once was. Your head says this can't be fixed. Your head is right. No matter what happens, you will never EVER be able to trust her again.
> 
> Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? You don't deserve that. Nobody does. Your wife is not a good person. She is a narcissist. She will continue to put herself first for the rest of her life. That is who she is as a person. As for coping? It's going to be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. There is no way to accelerate the process. Time is the only thing that will truly heal. There are certainly ways to delay the healing process, but don't expect to be happy anytime soon.
> 
> Do your best to take care of yourself in the meantime. You are in for a rough ride. I'm almost 4 months in and I still feel like complete sh!t. Continue to post and read the forums daily for support because you will need it. Try to stick to the 180 plan for your sanity. I feel for you my friend...I really do. Take care.


Wow brokenman, this was so very well thought out and written. I really appreciate you taking the time to benefit me in writing this. You have shown me more love and respect than my wife showed me in the last 3 years. God bless you and thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

MissFroggie said:


> Sorry hon but it sounds like you are going to have to do it all yourself. Get a lawyer and start getting all the paperwork in order. I probably shouldn't say this and it may prove unpopular, but if she is spending all the money and being really irresponsible with your assets you should look into moving things so she doesn't have access to dispose of them? Speak to the lawyer about this though! Also, just to clarify I am NOT saying hide assets or money, just move it where she can't just nip away at it until it is gone. Do what's best for you and your kids ... also look into custody of the kids too ... again unfortunately at the expense of a lawyer. Good luck! x


Thank you ms froggie. My discussion about finances was simply to illustrate her inability to be responsible for anything. I can assure you she has no access to any lathing of real value besides my children of course
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

diresituation said:


> She is totally unwilling to go to counseling. She simply turned her back and walked away on everything I mentioned. Nothing seems to matter to her. All of our affairs are being destroyed as if they mean nothing.


What was her childhood like?


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

She was abandoned by her father at an early age - he was a fall down drunk. I have identical background but with my Mom. I am recovering alcoholic for 10 years. She and I met and we drank similarly. She got pregnant and breast fed so was on the wagon for 6 of last ten years. She is very beautiful and likes to frequent bars and stay out late. I think there is a chance she is and alcoholic but at lesser codependent for sure.

Thanks Conrad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

diresituation said:


> She was abandoned by her father at an early age - he was a fall down drunk. I have identical background but with my Mom. I am recovering alcoholic for 10 years. She and I met and we drank similarly. She got pregnant and breast fed so was on the wagon for 6 of last ten years. She is very beautiful and likes to frequent bars and stay out late. I think there is a chance she is and alcoholic but at lesser codependent for sure.
> 
> Thanks Conrad
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You do realize what you're up against, don't you?


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Conrad said:


> You do realize what you're up against, don't you?


No I dont
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

diresituation said:


> No I dont
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Someone with her background doesn't get angry.

They ARE angry.

The people that were supposed to love her didn't. You are now the stand-in for her anger.

All her problems are your fault.

Once you reach this stage, it's like you're dealing with a 5 year old who is screaming "look what you made me do"

Read this link. I'll bet you see yourself - and her:

http://www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Someone with her background doesn't get angry.
> 
> They ARE angry.
> 
> ...


Hold on a sec, not everyone with a bad childhood is angry, nor are they necessarily childish, some have got over that and moved on. I'd hate for it to be assumed my current issues in life were connected to my childhood. If he was considering staying with her then I'd understand concern, but getting out is entirely different and you just have to face what happens head on. There is no need to start delving into things and pointing the finger. Muttering about how toxic she is and what a nightmare it is going to be is counter-productive and toxic in itself. Let's stop blaming and start looking for strategic solutions and the best way to get the best outcome for the OP and his children ... and also his ex, once they are catered for. There is no need for bitterness and blame  All the best to the OP, please focus on advice that moves you forward with as little pain to anyone as possible and best possible outcomes for you and your children xx


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MissFroggie said:


> Hold on a sec, not everyone with a bad childhood is angry, nor are they necessarily childish, some have got over that and moved on. I'd hate for it to be assumed my current issues in life were connected to my childhood. If he was considering staying with her then I'd understand concern, but getting out is entirely different and you just have to face what happens head on. There is no need to start delving into things and pointing the finger. Muttering about how toxic she is and what a nightmare it is going to be is counter-productive and toxic in itself. Let's stop blaming and start looking for strategic solutions and the best way to get the best outcome for the OP and his children ... and also his ex, once they are catered for. There is no need for bitterness and blame  All the best to the OP, please focus on advice that moves you forward with as little pain to anyone as possible and best possible outcomes for you and your children xx


Did I say "everyone"?

He described what she's doing.

I'm telling him why it seems she has no conscience.

Getting out without learning anything likely gives him a life sentence with this type of person.


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Did I say "everyone"?
> 
> He described what she's doing.
> 
> ...


Conrad is spot on. He is talking a out my wife. Reading article now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Hey Conrad. So what you are saying is, if Inremove myself from the victim triangle then the whole thing will end?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Why have you tolerated this relationship for so long?
> 
> Its the same question I had to answer. My ex is eerily similar to yours. She's BPD with a healthy does of histrionic PD mixed in (dxed by yours truly). Same goes for Ceegee, Pbartender, and some others here.
> 
> ...


Hi no the only thing she hasn't done is isolate me from anyone. I tried isolating her from all of her drunken and drug using friends and was balked as being the bad guy. Will read article now thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

She is emotional absent, what she does is to create the mess and other people have to clean up. she does not have any remorse, you are not important in her life, she happened to marry you as she was trying to continue her trip of dreams, fantasies , cheating with out responsibility. The truth is that N people do not love. I know it is hard to end the relationship but it is easy to try healing the wound than to stay with N who will always takes your love and never love you back. Be strong


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Fleur de Cactus said:


> She is emotional absent, what she does is to create the mess and other people have to clean up. she does not have any remorse, you are not important in her life, she happened to marry you as she was trying to continue her trip of dreams, fantasies , cheating with out responsibility. The truth is that N people do not love. I know it is hard to end the relationship but it is easy to try healing the wound than to stay with N who will always takes your love and never love you back. Be strong


Thanks Fleur - what does N person mean?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

diresituation said:


> Hey Conrad. So what you are saying is, if Inremove myself from the victim triangle then the whole thing will end?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you move yourself to the center of the Victim Triangle, it will begin the process of forcing her to own her behavior.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

diresituation said:


> Thanks Fleur - what does N person mean?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


N= Narcissist , people who do not love , they become quickly involved in relationship but do not have deep love. It is a personalty disorder.


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Got it thanks Fleur and Conrad. Thisbisnall very good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

I really think the Narcissist title is the right one. This is great advice from everyone. 

Hey Conrad - how do I get " inside" the triangle?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

diresituation said:


> I really think the Narcissist title is the right one. This is great advice from everyone.
> 
> Hey Conrad - how do I get " inside" the triangle?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Stop explaining.

Stop reaching out to gain her approval.

Remember this... you are seeking to reason and gain agreement/approval from a totally unreasonable person.

State your boundaries and stop right there.

Let her react to them.

Give her the room to do so.


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Stop explaining.
> 
> Stop reaching out to gain her approval.
> 
> ...


Nice thanks Conrad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

diresituation said:


> Nice thanks Conrad
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Think of yourself @50,000 feet.

Observe her emotional reactions and note them.

Better yet, observe your own.


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Think of yourself @50,000 feet.
> 
> Observe her emotional reactions and note them.
> 
> Better yet, observe your own.


I have been doing the power of now stuff but it definitely is hard to pull off. She is so brutal I can't get a simple answer out of her about our electricity bill. She freezes up. Pisses me off be wise she makes mess after mess after mess and I have to be responsible for everything while she runs around having a blast. We have 3 kids so this is gonna be a very rough ride.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

diresituation said:


> I have been doing the power of now stuff but it definitely is hard to pull off. She is so brutal I can't get a simple answer out of her about our electricity bill. She freezes up. Pisses me off be wise she makes mess after mess after mess and I have to be responsible for everything while she runs around having a blast. We have 3 kids so this is gonna be a very rough ride.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell her what you're not ok with.

Make it stick.


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Tell her what you're not ok with.
> 
> Make it stick.


Ok, just reused after your post about explainin myself. I do an awful lot of talking, explaining and reasoning with her. Yuck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

diresituation said:


> She was abandoned by her father at an early age - he was a fall down drunk. I have identical background but with my Mom. I am recovering alcoholic for 10 years. She and I met and we drank similarly. She got pregnant and breast fed so was on the wagon for 6 of last ten years. She is very beautiful and likes to frequent bars and stay out late. I think there is a chance she is and alcoholic but* at lesser codependent *for sure.


With her behavior and drinking, it's most likely that you are the one who is the co-dependent in the relationship. You have been the enabler trying find the magic thing that will get her to change.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

diresituation said:


> Ok, just reused after your post about explainin myself. I do an awful lot of talking, explaining and reasoning with her. Yuck


See the link in my signature block below for the 180. That is how you need to interact with her from here on out.

Do not tell her what you are thinking, feeling, planning, etc. Only talk with her about things that are absolutely necessary.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

diresituation said:


> Ok, just reused after your post about explainin myself. I do an awful lot of talking, explaining and reasoning with her. Yuck
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just sit there a bit with that whole concept.

What are you hoping to gain by explaining?


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Just sit there a bit with that whole concept.
> 
> What are you hoping to gain by explaining?


It's a wierd situation. For the last year, I would ask her a out things like her cell phone, finances, whereabouts and various things. She would literally not reply of lie directly to me. So I kinda went nuts and my mind shifted into this very active thinking mode. So I would accumulate all of these thoughts and would go on a monologue. All facts and details etc....
I was in tons of fear of losing it all. She played me like a fiddle. She wanted to have her cake and eat it too. So I tried reasoning with her to not destroy our lives and the ongoing conversations etc..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> See the link in my signature block below for the 180. That is how you need to interact with her from here on out.
> 
> Do not tell her what you are thinking, feeling, planning, etc. Only talk with her about things that are absolutely necessary.


Ok will do thanks elegirl
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Looks like she has been doing a 180 on me. WTF?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

diresituation said:


> Looks like she has been doing a 180 on me. WTF?


It's been working, hasn't it?


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> It's been working, hasn't it?


I feel like an idiot now. Nice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

diresituation said:


> I feel like an idiot now. Nice
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How far have I set myself back? How long does it take for this stuff to kick in?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

diresituation said:


> I feel like an idiot now. Nice


I doubt that she read "the 180" as posted below and decided to follow it.

She instinctively knows that interacting with you the way she has been (similar to 180) is illicit a certain type of reaction out of you.. .where you beg, plead, try to explain, and eventually put up with her doing whatever she wants to do. The reason I say she knows this instinctively is because she is a child of an alcoholic and understands the addict/co-dependent cycle. She needs your co-dependency to carry on as she is.

Co-dependency is when a person (you) spend large amounts of your time/energy to trying to figure out how to get the other person (her) to do some reasonable things.. like stay sober, stop partying, stop hurting you and herself, etc. Co-dependency is a natural reaction to a very bad situation.. you are trying to fix a broken person and situation. It never works. It turns into a game for the addict.

But this is going to go very differently when you do the 180 because you are not going to expect her to play the co-dependent role. Instead you will should use the 180 to separate yourself emotionally from her and start moving to your new life.


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I doubt that she read "the 180" as posted below and decided to follow it.
> 
> She instinctively knows that interacting with you the way she has been (similar to 180) is illicit a certain type of reaction out of you.. .where you beg, plead, try to explain, and eventually put up with her doing whatever she wants to do. The reason I say she knows this instinctively is because she is a child of an alcoholic and understands the addict/co-dependent cycle. She needs your co-dependency to carry on as she is.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_

I am going to do it. She definitely didn't read it but was doing some of it. I need to move on with my life for sure. I think I am getting the strength to let go of this one day at a time. Thank you very much


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

diresituation said:


> How far have I set myself back? How long does it take for this stuff to kick in?


What are you expecting it to do?

I don't think you are trying to get her to end her affair and fix your marriage, right? I doubt that will happen as she's too far gone.

So the goal is for you to gain the emotional strength to get control of your life, take care of your child, leave your marriage and heal.

So... you start it NOW. It will be hard at first and fake it until you make it.

You will start to feel better in a very few days.

She will probably start to try to figure out what's going on with you. But keep up the 180. Do not let her bait you. Do not tell her about the 180. If you do, she will think you are playing a game and she will go after you in a very nasty way.

You do this until you leave her. And after you leave you do it every time you see her.. forever. This is for you, to make you stronger. it's not to get her to change or be different.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

diresituation said:


> I am going to do it. She definitely didn't read it but was doing some of it. I need to move on with my life for sure. I think I am getting the strength to let go of this one day at a time. Thank you very much


Good, stick by it. Keep coming here for support.

It's my bed time but I'll check back tomorrow.


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What are you expecting it to do?
> 
> I don't think you are trying to get her to end her affair and fix your marriage, right? I doubt that will happen as she's too far gone.
> 
> ...


Ok this is great thank you very much
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Elegirl is right. It's time to focus 100% on you, and your children.

This woman has cheated on you three times (that you know of). She is a barfly. She is not your partner.

Up until now, you've tolerated and enabled this behavior. It stops now. Find your self-respect. Find your dignity.

First rule of overcoming co-dependent tendencies:

*Stop saying 'yes' when you want to say 'no'.*

There is no timeline for this. It took me a good 6-9 months to get over my ex. She had 3 affairs as well. There are other guys here who are taking longer, and some have moved on quicker.

I will point out that I had to get away from her first, which meant I moved out (separation agreement 1st, with custody addressed). Physical separation will help break your attachment to her. When you see and engage her every day, it is nearly impossible. It's like an alcoholic trying to kick the habit, but has a fridge full of beer.

The focus needs to be on you now. You're going to learn a lot about you 

Start exercising.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Dire,

There are a couple of other threads here that might be helpful to you, if you have the time to get through them. Start with this one.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/63357-time-regroup-move.html

Chumplady has a really good site:

http://chumplady.com/2012/07/five-things-that-keep-you-stuck-with-a-cheater/

And also Shrink4men.com, which I've already referenced.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dire,

One of your guiding principles needs to be "talk less, do more"

I would imagine you've told her many times about the issues you have with her spending.

Stop talking.

Separate your finances.

Stop her from doing this.

Cancel her credit cards.

Open a bank account with only your name on it.

Direct deposit your check to that account.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

Thank you Dire for your thoughts on my most recent post to you. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to speak in private. 

From reading the rest of your responses on the thread...one thing is *completely clear*. Once you get past the emotional attachment (easier said than done) to your wife, *your life has nowhere to go but up*. 

You are currently living in emotional torment because you don't want to throw away what you once had and perhaps are scared of the future. _That is completely normal_. You need to understand this person is incapable of real love. It is natural to place blame upon yourself but make sure you realize *YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM*. She is. 

She is guaranteed to spend the rest of her life in misery chasing fantasies that will never be able to sustain themselves. YOU on the other hand WILL find somebody else. Someone capable of the same love you have to give. Imagine how great that could be in contrast to what you currently have. Stay strong.


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Brokenman85 said:


> Thank you Dire for your thoughts on my most recent post to you. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to speak in private.
> 
> From reading the rest of your responses on the thread...one thing is *completely clear*. Once you get past the emotional attachment (easier said than done) to your wife, *your life has nowhere to go but up*.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

These are all great posts. I think the reason why she is so out of it is she is withdrawing from the emotions of her affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

diresituation said:


> These are all great posts. I think the reason why she is so out of it is she is withdrawing from the emotions of her affair.


I'm not sure what you are saying. Do you mean that she is no longer in an affair?

Or do you mean that she withdraws from you to have the affairs.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

diresituation said:


> These are all great posts. I think the reason why she is so out of it is she is withdrawing from the emotions of her affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Remove your focus from her.

You didn't get involved with her because you were "issue free"

That's what you need to fix.

You

********

Have you begun separating finances?


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Remove your focus from her.
> 
> You didn't get involved with her because you were "issue free"
> 
> ...


I hear ya loud and clear. I am finding a whole new strength from this board. It's almost a month now and I am feeling very good for a change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Remove your focus from her.
> 
> You didn't get involved with her because you were "issue free"
> 
> ...


Yes finances are separated. I am in 180 mode my man and feel much more freedom today than I have in years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

diresituation said:


> Yes finances are separated. I am in 180 mode my man and feel much more freedom today than I have in years.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Conrad - how does one "fix" themselves?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Dire,
> 
> There are a couple of other threads here that might be helpful to you, if you have the time to get through them. Start with this one.
> 
> ...


Thanks three. I am much stronger now, hope it lasts
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

diresituation said:


> Conrad - how does one "fix" themselves?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Individual counseling helps quite a bit with codependence.

Posting here helps just as much.


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Individual counseling helps quite a bit with codependence.
> 
> Posting here helps just as much.


Thanks Conrad - i am getting more and more power every day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

diresituation said:


> Thanks Conrad - i am getting more and more power every day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It will ebb and flow until you are right with you.

This is to be expected.

So, celebrate the good days and hold still on the bad days - they'll pass soon enough.


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## diresituation (Sep 11, 2013)

Conrad said:


> It will ebb and flow until you are right with you.
> 
> This is to be expected.
> 
> So, celebrate the good days and hold still on the bad days - they'll pass soon enough.


Thanks for your help here Conrad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

diresituation said:


> Thanks for your help here Conrad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/tonyawareness.pdf

If you get a few hours and you're focused and ready for some meaty-type of subjects about yourself, dig into this link.


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