# Signs you didn't see then but make sense now!



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I was reading some stories in the Infidelity section, and I wondered this, has anyone found out their spouse was cheating, but you found out years later and it had been going on for quite awhile, and you never even knew it was going on at the time? If so, what were the signs you didn't see then for so long, but now looking back, you saw it all along but just didn't really realize it at the time? 

BTW, I posted this in the general discussion forum the other day and got 2 responses out of 267 views, thought maybe it fit better here, thanks!


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Yes. Almost everyone here will see the red flags after the fact. The problem is that like the WS I believe that the BS also tends to rewrite the marriage history a little so we will see things more evident than we may have possibly seen them before and accustom them to the red flags of an A. I know in my case I noticed increased time online and in social networking arenas and lots of late nights doing school planning at home (she was up late planning and not time away from the family and home) but never suspected cheating so wrote it off as a new and interesting hobby/ interest for my wife and a way to reconnect to old friends, as she wasn't always talking to the AP. For me that would have been the only red flag (yes a big one looking back) but all of the rest was done outside of the home and my watchful eye. Whether it was a flag or I see it as one now is all in the eye of the beholder I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I replied in the other forum but will here too. This was a long term relationship I was in not married, but still looking back, I feel so dumb I didn't see things then. 

*Shaving his beard/mustache after years of not wanting to do that. He would tell me he just wanted to see what he looked like without it. Found out he did it because some gal at his job
wanted him to.
*Moods shifting from being more loving one day, to not giving me the time of day the next. He blamed it on stress at his job.
*He suddenly spent right much time texting his "new buddy" at work, named Vic, who I later on found out was short for "Vickie"

How I ended up finding out for sure was, I found a text message exchanged between him and this "Vic" person saying how he couldn't wait to see them, I knew then he was either gay, or it was a woman and "Vic" was just the shorter version of the real name. 

One thing that stuck out in my mind was how a lot of excuses he had he blamed on work. Well his woman was where he worked! Gee!


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

He sure was on the phone with "his boss" a lot.

5 weeks of vacation that seemed to magically disappear.

Yep, there was a lot of stuff. My husband was an a$$.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Wanting to cancel a week's vacation with the family. Saying that he had forgotten to do some 'essential' work and trying to force us to go home early from the vacation. 

Working on turning our son against me, and trying to get our daughter to attend a new church with him. It happened to be 'her' church. 

Taking our dd camping, it turns out OW just happened to be camping there with her boys at the same campground. 

A lot of tricky ****.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Didn't see it for two decades. Once she revealed her cheating with the papers, then everything concerning our relationship became an obvious lie.
I no longer consider myself to be a long term relationship candidate, so I have no reason to be worried about fidelity.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

trey69 said:


> I was reading some stories in the Infidelity section, and I wondered this, has anyone found out their spouse was cheating, but you found out years later and it had been going on for quite awhile, and you never even knew it was going on at the time? If so, what were the signs you didn't see then for so long, but now looking back, you saw it all along but just didn't really realize it at the time?
> 
> BTW, I posted this in the general discussion forum the other day and got 2 responses out of 267 views, thought maybe it fit better here, thanks!


Trey

Your story is not unique. I am sure some posters will send you links to quite a few stories of "I just found out but it happened years ago".

Share your details. You will get more responses.

HM


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

After the fact, hindsight is 20/20. Looking back I feel really stupid and blind - the signs were everywhere, I just chose to ignore them, make excuses for them, etc. I honestly didn't think my husband would ever cheat on me. I thought we had too much love between us (even though admittedly we were having problems at the time). I didn't think he was that kind of person. I thought it would be impossible for him to lie so convincingly. I was wrong. 

But anyway, I would have to say the biggest sign is the cell phone. It was literally attached to his hip - he even took it into the bathroom when he showered (to listen to music). Password protected of course.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

happyman64 said:


> Trey
> 
> Your story is not unique. I am sure some posters will send you links to quite a few stories of "I just found out but it happened years ago".
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Looking back I saw all the red flags. It was more of a lack of interpretation than not seeing all of them. I didn't believe she would do something like that so I just ignored them or attributed to something else. It's a lot WW II. All the signs of an attack by the Japanese on Pearl Harbor were there. It was even predicted 5 years earlier, but they were all just ignored or attributed to something else. We knew something was up, but just assumed it would be sabotage, so we put all our ships in the harbor, and all our planes in the middle of the airstrip so we could keep an eye on them. And so the Japanese could bomb the crap out of them. Looking back all the signs were there, were even warned but it didn't seem so obvious at the time. That's what d-day felt like to me, just like Pearl Harbor.


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## American Arrogance (Sep 5, 2008)

I saw the signs but chose to ignore or misinterpret them. I was blinded by the notion we could work it out. But here are a few that didnt make sense to me back then:

1. Bleeding anus (yes you read that right) and going to 3 different doctors who couldnt figure what was wrong. Eventually his excuse was anal fissures (turns out he was MSM sex)

2. When I went out for girls night out he demanded I drop the kids off at my parents home. But on his night with the boys, I stayed home with kids. Found out he was out all night with the other person.

3. Password protected his iphone and changed all passwords after of years of me having access (well he changed everything after I read and email he told another woman he loved her).

4. Spent hours talking on the phone out on the deck. he claimed he went to take a smoke. Mind you he wasnt a smoker. I dont tolerate smoking and he had quit 10 years ago. Now he is a smoker. 

5. Encouraged me to go out often.

6. not wanting to have lunch with me at work. claimed married couples dont have lunch together. this is the time he had with his partner.

7.after work events such as happy hours, golf time with fellas. Events where he never invited me.

8. Starting arguments just to leave the house


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I think I posted this before on another post but here it goes...
1) She was ALWAYS flirtatious I dismissed it as her being a free spirit...nope!
2) She was paying extra special attention to her looks. Primping and prepping in the morning before work. Tanning and all of a sudden started exercising.
3) Phone ALWAYS with her.
4) Phone messages and logs always erased.
5) early and late to work.
6) drinking after work.
7) Friday night parties.
Should I go on?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Somewhat off topic but since so many affairs happen in the workplace maybe companies should post the below in their coffee rooms and make it a condition of employment. It could be part of the "family friendly workplace" that companies advertise.

*This company does NOT tolerate workplace affairs.
Please remember that it is a condition of your employment and instant dismissal will follow. 
*

It wouldn't stop affairs but it would make people think twice and there would be a consequence - their job!!!

In these politically correct days there would probably be an outcry about civil liberties. Personally I would gladly work for a company on such a condition.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Calling all the time when I was away from the house taking care of my mom. I thought he just missed me. Turns out he was just figuring out how much time he had till I got home.

Doesn't call me at all now when I am gone.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Calling all the time when I was away from the house taking care of my mom. I thought he just missed me. Turns out he was just figuring out how much time he had till I got home.
> 
> Doesn't call me at all now when I am gone.


Mine was opposite...stopped calling me when she used to call me all the time before and after work. Other signs that were there that I didn't connect the dots...was just an increase in irritability, decrease in shared time together and during sex and often would sabotage together time to be left alone, passwords changed, and staying up much later. 

So I would submit that the MAJOR sign of infidelity is an unusual change in normal behavior.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Yep, huge changes in usual behavior. Suddenly it was important for him to have private passwords. He got hysterical when my laptop died and had to borrow his. 

I worked evenings and noticed his shoes were wet every night I got home, yet when questioned, said he didn't leave the house all night. On a landline, the phone had strange codes entered. Figured out he was allowing blocked calls through when I was gone and resetting code to not allow them when I was home. Too many red flags to list. Those were the first small hints and I wish I had TAM back then because I always confronted too soon on everything.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I was in total denial, and still not sure for how long. Some signs I either didn't get, or didn't want to get until too late:

1. Buying secret phone and refusing to give me the number.
2. Going out of town to see his family for the holidays, and forgetting all their presents.
3. Hours on the computer (he was telling me he was looking for work, but was looking for women)
4. Refusing to spend anytime with me or the children


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I shared this before on my thread.

Dressing for work in the morning as if she was going out at night. Bright red lippy and all - "I was going to see a client as well!" she protested later. I guess the client came before the c**k. 

Answering her iphone in our bedroom one Saturday late morning. I heard her say "Oh go away!" I later discovered this was part of their thing (more him than her though) where he would suddenly call and say something like "I want to suck your t*ts". I heard an undeleted voicemail later which was much the same sort of thing.

I ignored these things at the time but eventually asked her if she was seeing someone. Her classic response was - "Sure!When would I get time for that?". 

Like many I saw the signs but didn't see them if you know what I mean.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

So many signs for what was around an 8 month affair - my head was buried in the sand. The ones that stick out most in my mind:

1) Constantly checking his Facebook and emails nonstop 24/7

2) Refusing to cuddle, touch, kiss, or be intimate - he blamed the fact he was having bad anxiety. 

3) Totally disconnected from our day to day life. Sent me an ecard for Valentine's day 

4) Putting up pictures of mutual female friends on Facebook (he liked the picture itself, not the girl he insisted) and putting up a picture of an engraved trophy that said "I fell in love with you at first sight." I asked him about it and he said it was for me. (Turns out - it wasn't) 

5) Going out to nightclubs with his assistant (strip clubs and such, totally inappropriate)

6) Become very judgmental of anything I liked or enjoyed (I "wasn't cool" compared his OW you see) He would even try to dictate what kind of food I ordered in restaurants :wtf:

7) Planning a solo "business" trip to an odd out of the way country he had no reason to visit. Turns out the OW lived there - she was around 18 years old living in a third world city. Of course he insisted she had no interest in a green card :rofl:


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

taking way too long to do anything.. run to the store, long errands... turns out every errand can lead to lunch, coffee, sex...

lock on phone...

distant, cold, mean, hurtful behavior for no reason.. .

grooming, dressing up to run errands...

the gym, loss of weight, sudden care about hair and nails...

new friends at work...

change of personality, new interests...

no more 'i love you', and 'i love you too' seems to take effort...

any affection starts to seem forced, or not really sincere...


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Horizon said:


> I ignored these things at the time but eventually asked her if she was seeing someone. Her classic response was - "Sure!When would I get time for that?".


Mine said the same - she was in charge of her own hours - so she would stay extra long at work - I knew something was going on because she never loved work that much. Finally when I confronted her at the end she said "I do nothing wrong other than work 50-60 hours a week."


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

I have a list of betrayal that I re-read when I start to miss him or feel sad. It helps me re-focus on WHY we are at the stage of divorce.

Always disappearing at night to run to CVS or home depot. 
Working late but never seeing any new clients or money to justify the extra hours.
Calling OW on family vacations.
Needed a sedative after finally getting wise and checked the cell phone bills. SHOCKING!
Practically breaking his phone on the plane when I asked to borrow it to call my sister when we came home from Italy.
Locking himself in bathroom for hours
Staying up very late
Always having his phone near 
Never spending any time with me or child
losing weight
Always finding fault in what I wore, my appearance, what I ate, watched on TV
Screamed at me for nagging when I would ask a question or wanted to sit and talk about finances.
Completely having a breakdown in Italy for our 50 B-days and finding out our cell phones did not work. I was told how stupid I was, yelled at and told he had "work" to check on. 
Never showing for my 50th Birthday dinner.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

russell28 said:


> taking way too long to do anything.. run to the store, long errands... turns out every errand can lead to lunch, coffee, sex...
> 
> lock on phone...
> 
> ...


Russell... 

I was reading through this thread and thought I wrote your response it was that similar.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

bravenewworld said:


> Going out to nightclubs with his assistant (strip clubs and such, totally inappropriate)
> 
> Become very judgmental of anything I liked or enjoyed


Mine starting going to see male revues with coworkers whenever they were in town.

She never, since the time I knew her, criticized my physical appearance. Then one day I was driving her to work and she was staring at me and said "I see you are happy with your physical appearance being the way it is. That is incredible."

I thought to myself "wow her ego really has gotten out of hand".
I did not know she was donking someone else.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

During the initial weeks (19 years ago) she asked enquired about my friends especially more about my female friends. I did not notice that she carefully avoided talking about her friends. She had an A prior to marriage, which was a deal breaker for me.

Now that I know about her A, it makes sense.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

FrustratedFL said:


> I have a list of betrayal that I re-read when I start to miss him or feel sad. It helps me re-focus on WHY we are at the stage of divorce.
> 
> Always disappearing at night to run to CVS or home depot.
> Working late but never seeing any new clients or money to justify the extra hours.
> ...


charming fellow - good luck for the future


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I was totally blindsided...part of it was that I trusted him implicitely and by that point we were together for 23 years. 

He had his own laptop and cell phone yet I never once checked those...if I had I would have realized that he had both his phone and computer password protected. I kind of wonder though if I would have even thought that was suspicious..now I would no doubt but then not sure.

Sometimes i admit I still cannot believe that it happened...I guess the sad part is it does change how you look at the person after that.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Of coarse. Thousands of redflags and signs. Liars have a massive advantage; You, by default because you care and believe in them, will believe some pretty outlandish stuff as long as there’s some possible explanation for it even if you know it crossed boundaries that aren’t appropriate. It’s amazing how much you’ll look for excuses to justify the stuff in your head so you won’t think ill of them.

It’s rather sickening looking back how much I tried to rationalize all of that behavior.


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

Well Ive had my first & second wife do this.
But they did totally different things:

1st wife:
- she worked for the state, so she had a gov't cell phone - which was locked all the time. (this was 2003, so no smartphones)
- I know she got texts on the gov't phone that were not work related
- She told me once that she got reprimanded for using that phone too much
She took a night class in law enforcement & that's when I noticed a lot of things.
- change in type of music she liked..from Beatles to Hank Williams Jr
- change in clothing types...more younger kinds of clothing
- she would change from her work clothes to her school clothes & really take her time to fix her hair & makeup....and she would change from regular underwear to thongs..."so a panty line wouldnt show". This was all for this class.
- She expressed a new interest in hunting deer & truck mudding. 
- she talked about how funny these new friends at her class were esp this one guy
- she said that these new friends were what she was waiting for in life...that she would take a bullet for them
She only knew them for less than 10 months....I on the other hand, knew her for 6 years at that point.

- I did find some proof, if you want to call it that....I found notes in the back of her car talking about her thongs, etc....like notes passed around in HS. She was passing notes in class with another guy. After I confronted, she said he didnt go to the class anymore (?). 

- All during this time, less sex....once or twice every two months maybe.

- I guess the bad thing was that we were going to marriage counselling the entire time these things were happening.
To me, the counselor just kind of took her explanation & seemed to side with her...saying that she needs friends & needs to be sociable, etc...blah, blah. It was such a waste of money.

So, I never really found hard proof. No texts, no emails, no physically catching her with another guy, etc.

But, she is married now to the guy whom I thought she was being inappropriate with. She started hanging out with him openly after she gave me the ILYBNILWY speech.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Farmer_J said:


> Well Ive had my first & second wife do this.
> But they did totally different things:
> 
> 1st wife:
> ...


Not worthy of you, not in the same league. She'll do it again to him. You are much better off.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Racer said:


> Of coarse. Thousands of redflags and signs. Liars have a massive advantage; You, by default because you care and believe in them, will believe some pretty outlandish stuff as long as there’s some possible explanation for it even if you know it crossed boundaries that aren’t appropriate. It’s amazing how much you’ll look for excuses to justify the stuff in your head so you won’t think ill of them.
> 
> It’s rather sickening looking back how much I tried to rationalize all of that behavior.


Right, but it does bug me that I had stopped caring. I still believed I suppose. That's what she liked to throw at me - "Now you care!?". I got over blaming myself but it does grate a little; my responsibility. Stupid huh?


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

I own a tiny company and twice a week, on Mondays and Wednesdays, I stay at work until 8 PM. My husband, after the initial hook up with a married co-worker on business trip, was using that days to meet her for their after work bedroom gymnastics at her sister's condo.

I remember that at the beginning of their affair, it was on Wednesday, he called me at work and we were having a nice conversation. At one point he asked me if I was going to stay late at work. I wanted to surprise him and I offered to come home earlier so we could do something together. But, he didn't seem to be particularly thrilled with the idea claiming that he didn't want to ruin my schedule and he would go to work out after work. I was a bit puzzled but playfully replayed: Fine, just don't forget there are a lot of dudes out there who would absolutely love to have this opportunity. He said: Yes, I know that. We both laughed and terminated the call shortly after.

At that time I didn't think much about it, but now I know that they both got quite intense workout that evening. I still feel like a fool but it was the first time that despite a complete lack of any typical affair red flags I started getting the feeling that something was off.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

It's funny that a lot of the signs I showed during my affair are the opposite of what has been posted here.

We were having a lot of arguments. A lot of tension between us. No sex. Distance.

During the affair, when I had someone to talk to and had my sexual needs met, things became a lot calmer at home. We became a little more civil, had dinners waiting for her (she worked until 10pm), sometimes flowers for the table. She even commented during marriage counseling that she felt since I wasn't pestering her for sex that the atmosphere in the house seemed a lot better.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

adriana said:


> I own a tiny company and twice a week, on Mondays and Wednesdays, I stay at work until 8 PM. My husband, after the initial hook up with a married co-worker on business trip, was using that days to meet her for their after work bedroom gymnastics at her sister's condo.
> 
> I remember that at the beginning of their affair, it was on Wednesday, he called me at work and we were having a nice conversation. At one point he asked me if I was going to stay late at work. I wanted to surprise him and I offered to come home earlier so we could do something together. But, he didn't seem to be particularly thrilled with the idea claiming that he didn't want to ruin my schedule and he would go to work out after work. I was a bit puzzled but playfully replayed: Fine, just don't forget there are a lot of dudes out there who would absolutely love to have this opportunity. He said: Yes, I know that. We both laughed and terminated the call shortly after.
> 
> At that time I didn't think much about it, but now I know that they both got quite intense workout that evening. I still feel like a fool but it was the first time that despite a complete lack of any typical affair red flags I started getting the feeling that something was off.


My wife had a sister that provided a weekend love nest.. isn't that always so special, what a wonderful sibling. I bet your red flags went up, what red blooded male wouldn't jump at that offer.. wife wants you, you usually are ready and willing and able... either he's gay, or cheating.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> It's funny that a lot of the signs I showed during my affair are the opposite of what has been posted here.
> 
> We were having a lot of arguments. A lot of tension between us. No sex. Distance.
> 
> During the affair, when I had someone to talk to and had my sexual needs met, things became a lot calmer at home. We became a little more civil, had dinners waiting for her (she worked until 10pm), sometimes flowers for the table. She even commented during marriage counseling that she felt since I wasn't pestering her for sex that the atmosphere in the house seemed a lot better.


Perhaps if during your marriage, you talked to your wife, and things became calmer at home, you'd be more civil, and your sex life would have been met....

You were pestering her for sex, sounds romantic.. Did you pester the OW for sex, or did you treat her nice, all talking to her and stuff... 

Did the OW make you dinners, clean your house...


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> It's funny that a lot of the signs I showed during my affair are the opposite of what has been posted here.
> 
> We were having a lot of arguments. A lot of tension between us. No sex. Distance.
> 
> During the affair, when I had someone to talk to and had my sexual needs met, things became a lot calmer at home. We became a little more civil, had dinners waiting for her (she worked until 10pm), sometimes flowers for the table. She even commented during marriage counseling that she felt since I wasn't pestering her for sex that the atmosphere in the house seemed a lot better.


So basically there were no signs for her to notice because you had her fooled so good? You must be proud!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

trey69 said:


> So basically there were no signs for her to notice because you had her fooled so good? You must be proud!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Easy tiger, it's not easy for WS to share their stories here for fear of being jumped on!!

It was the opposite of everyone here, her EA lead to a much increased desire for sex and greater variety too, it was due to him actually not being there or even on the same continent to actually do anything that it never went PA, so it was her sexual desire increase that was my red flag and hence bingo we have a winner, cue 2yrs of life turning upside down in the washing machine.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

wranglerman said:


> Easy tiger, it's not easy for WS to share their stories here for fear of being jumped on!!


I thought it was a thread about ppl who had been cheated on and how they didn't know the signs at the time, not about people who did the cheating
and how they brought their wives flowers and cooked them dinner so the arguments would decrease while they were still having the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

russell28 said:


> My wife had a sister that provided a weekend love nest.. isn't that always so special, what a wonderful sibling. I bet your red flags went up, what red blooded male wouldn't jump at that offer.. wife wants you, you usually are ready and willing and able... either he's gay, or cheating.



Rusell28, I'm sorry I didn't notice your post earlier. 

Do you maintain any kind of relationship with your SIL after her involvement in your wife's affair? I'd imagine it's rather unlikely unless absolutely necessary or unavoidable. After all, it was completely repulsive behavior on her part.

In my case OW's sister didn't know anything about the affair or what was going on at her place. It was OW's husband who told me that they were meeting at her condo. She works as a saleswoman and travels nationwide almost every week usually leaving on Monday morning and returning sometime on Thursday or Friday. She has two large parrots and OW has been going to her place for years, to make sure that the birds were OK and had everything they needed, when she was traveling. According to OW's husband she was completely devastated when she learnt what happened and absolutely furious when she learnt where it happened.

I discovered the affair and contacted OW's husband but I learnt most details of it from him after she finally confessed.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

adriana said:


> Rusell28, I'm sorry I didn't notice your post earlier.
> 
> Do you maintain any kind of relationship with your SIL after her involvement in your wife's affair? I'd imagine it's rather unlikely unless absolutely necessary or unavoidable. After all, it was completely repulsive behavior on her part.
> 
> ...


In my case, the sister got suspicious, asked, and the wife continued, without the sister saying 'knock it off, give me the key'... basically... enabled it, but didn't set it up.. and no, I haven't spoken with her beyond telling her she's no longer welcome in my home, and I don't appreciate her turning a blind eye to her sisters self destructive behavior etc.. etc.. She turned it around so I'm the bad guy for talking mean to her.. real immature type.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> It's funny that a lot of the signs I showed during my affair are the opposite of what has been posted here.
> 
> 
> 
> ...






Maybe there is commonality: something significant in the marriage changed noticeably. Sometimes things change for the better, sometimes for the worst, but the reason is not apparent, or the apparent reason doesn't make sense.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> Easy tiger, it's not easy for WS to share their stories here for fear of being jumped on!!
> 
> 
> 
> ...







Similar here. She started to show a willingness for sex, when there had been none at all.



He was only a few hours away, but would have been fairly close those many times she took the kids to visit the in-laws. I've not truly considered or investigated the likelihood of PA.





A little display tag/marketing brochure from her burner phone was the first clue, found on the floor of her car. Her denying she was looking at or bought a new phone was the second. Each lie unravelling should have been sufficient proof for me. But I kept clinging to the possibility there was another explanation.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

CallaLily said:


> I thought it was a thread about ppl who had been cheated on and how they didn't know the signs at the time, not about people who did the cheating
> and how they brought their wives flowers and cooked them dinner so the arguments would decrease while they were still having the affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL :lol::lol::lol:

I have seen it posted a few times now on here that the tensions at home were often greatly eased by an affair, not that the guilt made them buy chocolates and flowers but because there was an outside release for the frustrations, meaning that there was less at home to bother the WS as they were pre-occupied.

It is about seeking out the give away clues, but those clues are only there to be seen if you are suspicious of your partner and do not trust their word, for a great many of us we noticed things often a little too late but sometimes like I, it was right on time, I had my suspicions before but never acted on them, lesson learned, trust your gut feeling, it aint never wrong 

There are a lot of signs that show up as red flags, but it is not until you come here that you get to find out what they are or how to interpret the code of the cheater script, bit like the Enigma machine of WW2 and all that, you have to decipher the code to find the truth, then decide if it warrants further investigations or if it is pure coincidence.

In my book "there is no such thing as coincedence as far as infidelity goes" now as you would be frightened to learn how far they will go to satisfy their hunger for the affair.


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## Lefacade (Jan 10, 2014)

I'll indulge you:

She became a phone junkie when smart phones came out. Before she was never really into things like that.

New job with new friends

Started being more concerned with her looks and taking selfies

not as active in the family unit

became a facebook junkie, putting up photos all the time yet none of me or us

Really neglected her role in the household ... children, cooking, cleaning, spending time. (not that these were her's only, just ones where I took over if they were going to get done at all.)

and the Coup de gras....................

Ask me to help build the OM's website for him. CAN YOU ****ING BELIEVE THAT! I mean how out of your head do you have to be to ask your husband to help out with your AP website? It still makes my blood boil and made me really see that she only saw me as someone she could use.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Lefacade said:


> I'll indulge you:
> 
> She became a phone junkie when smart phones came out. Before she was never really into things like that.
> 
> ...


So how long did you spend on website development???


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## Lefacade (Jan 10, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> So how long did you spend on website development???


None. Things were bad with us anyway so I wasn't doing something that A) took away my time from doing what I wanted. B) Surely wasn't giving up my free time for someone I didn't know
C) What it was for and promoting I thought was stupid and not worth my time


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

After getting back from a long trip.
Acting very weird. Very distant. Didn't like me touching her.
Told me the next day she didn't like me kissing her on the face
(I used to gently kiss her on the face barely 
touching her with my lips). 

Telling me all of a sudden that she feels like shes becoming frigid and that "i don't know why people think sex is a big deal".

Like a dummy I didn't want to believe anything was going on.
I attributed it to her 'moodiness' (which she was).


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

There were all kinds of signs...I just didn't care to look.

Her 1st affair I knew something was up, told her I want all her crap to stop, didn't want to know what was up but I didn't like it.

She stopped and we hung out for a few years but by this time I stop giving a damn and we just drifted apart again and she found another POS will I did my own thing.

This went on for 13 years...we both just stopped putting in an effort to have a healthy marriage after we rug swept her 1st PA in the biggest way possible.

Looking back all the signs were right in front of my face but in the end they just got so blatant as she continued to self destruct I decided it was time to step in and step in hard I did.

Its been 3 years 11 months and 19 days since we put an end to all the bull crap we were doing to each other.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Lefacade said:


> I'll indulge you:
> and the Coup de gras....................
> 
> Ask me to help build the OM's website for him. CAN YOU ****ING BELIEVE THAT! I mean how out of your head do you have to be to ask your husband to help out with your AP website? It still makes my blood boil and made me really see that she only saw me as someone she could use.



I spent a fair bit of time investigating in-patient treatment programs for his alcoholism during the period I thought he was "just" an old boyfriend that was down on his luck. Makes my blood boil that I was such an idiot!




jorgegene said:


> After getting back from a long trip.
> Acting very weird. Very distant. Didn't like me touching her.
> Told me the next day she didn't like me kissing her on the face
> (I used to gently kiss her on the face barely
> ...



Sex increased and was much more relaxed during her EA. Felt pretty foolish to find it didn't have anything to do with me or a turn in our relationship for the better.

Her EA was 4-5 years ago. Yet in the last year, she started turning her head away and resisting kisses on the lips, and that went on until only recently. I've heard of that as a "sign" before. Though it has seemed "very unlikely" anything has been going on since 4 years or so ago, the resistance to kissing -- and the absolute denial of sex for months on end -- has haunted me.

ETA: Her mentioning that she didn't think webcam sex is cheating was surprising, too. And, out-of-character, or the character I thought I knew.


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## Visionknower (Oct 14, 2013)

My gut told me, from the first day that my STBX was cheating. I intuitively knew that something was up and that whatever it was felt like it involved my husband being deceptive and committing adultery. I had strong instinctual hits from the first day that his behaviors actually started.

I also had dreams that consistently spelled out the exact dynamics of what was going on in my marriage. 

My STBXH is an excellent fraud and I am not the only person he has fooled. He has this “respectable honorable man” persona that made it difficult to believe that he was capable of what my gut instinct kept telling me he was doing. 

The mistake I made was each time I had an intuitive hit I would to go to him and ask him about it. Then he would lie, deny, gas light, blame shift and intentionally confuse me in any way he could. This only made it close to impossible to confirm or prove what my gut knew and what my instincts were telling me. 

However I HAVE LEARNED A GREAT LESSON FROM THIS. I now know that during this long drawn out fraudulent marriage that my instincts were never wrong. Not one time.

I look back at what has really gone down and realize that if I had simply trusted and accepted my gut instinct as being 100% accurate from day one, even if I did not have the details and facts of “what” and “why” to back it up, I would of saved myself and my daughters much unnecessary suffering. 
If I had simply trusted my inner knowing and acted without flinching to what my instinct was telling me then my fraudulent marriage, with a sexually out of control husband, would have been a one month ordeal at the most, instead of 20 long drawn out confusing years.

As for now in my daily life I never flinch or hesitate to trust my intuition. If my gut tells me something’s up or something’s not right I listen to it, honor it and I follow this inner knowing without pause. I do not waist time trying to figure out what or why, I just follow it. This approach is consistently proving to work out very well for me. I see it as a way of not betraying myself. I do this by never second guessing or doubting that I know what I know.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Trey: Please read my rather extensive link! You'll learn far more about deception and covert cheating than you'll ever care to know. The link is in blue at the bottom of my posts!

Signs?(1) Extensive FB activity usually up until the wee hours of the morning(usually 2:30-4:00AM), allegedly to her out-of-state and international girlfriends and business contacts. (2) More than frequent out-of-town business trips to other Texas, out-of-state, and international locales, all supposedly business related. (3) Cell phone activity started being carried on more so in private. (4) Sex became more irregular while she was home. However, when she did finally return home, she willingly banged my bones so as not to arouse any suspicion ~ later found out after separation that I was likely getting "sloppy seconds" the very same day that she boinked her lardass BF before leaving him on any of her many trips to his particular area of Texas! 

That's really enough for now! This is just way too painful! *


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

• Being aggressive towards me for no good reason (lashing out)
• Texting constantly (lying about who she was talking to)
• Attempting to plan our schedules around her "play time" with the OM
• Her vagina was looser than normal when we'd have sex
• She went missing multiple times during house-related projects
• Waking up in the middle of the night, stressed out (told me it was work related)
• Telling me that people were looking her up and down like a piece of meat
• Yelling at me for not spending enough time with her

That's a few of them...


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I was at a picnic at my ex in laws house and my ex wife was there. 

We were sitting across from each other and she asked me to play truth or dare. I said I didn't know how to play and she just said "just answer a question I have honestly" so I said OK.

She asked if I ever cheated on her and this took place about 8 years after we divorced and I said no and she kept asking and I finally told her that I never cheated on her.

Then she said, well I cheated on you with A---- and boy was he hung. Now A----was a married and he and his wife were our friends. 

At this point I didn't care if she screwed a bus load of guy and and I said, "well if he was so damn good then why the hell did you come back? She started to say something and I told her that I don't care to play any longer and I know that I can look in the mirror and not feel awkward. 

My second wife cheated and I found out a year after we separated from my 6 year old daughter. I said nothing at the time because it was over anyhow.

When it came time when she wanted a divorce, I told her I wouldn't contest it so we only need one lawyer. She agreed to that and then I told her if she wants a divorce then find a lawyer and pay him because as far as I was concerned, I was never getting married again and it wouldn't bother me to go to my grave still married to her and then I told her that you cheated on me on my dime and now I'll get the divorce on yours so if you want it, hold a bake sale or a car wash and earn the money for it. Plain and simple. She did, well not the car wash or bake sale but she paid for the divorce. I used the money that I saved for a down payment on a new truck. Thank you N_________.


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