# This feels like a soap opera



## TheGoodFight

First post here. I've been reading quite a bit and have gotten a lot of good general advice just by reading the responses to others questions and comments. But each situation is a little different and I wanted some feedback from the forum on my own situation.

My wife and I are the same age - 36. We met in college and dated for 6 years before we were married. We have now been married 11 years. We have two children, one who is 4 and a new baby that is only 6 months old.

Back in mid September, I discovered my wife was cheating on me with a man she works with. She is a school teacher and so is he at the same school. I found this out after she came home late one night (3 or 4 AM) after a girls night out. I saw she had a new text on her phone so I looked to see what it was. 

I had become a little suspicious recently because she was guarding her phone and was sending and receiving quite a lot of texts from a fairly new friend she had made several months earlier. This "friend" (quotes added for a reason I will reveal in a moment) is a woman about 9 years older than my wife and also a coworker at the same school. 

The girls night out wasn't a total sham, in fact my wife was the DD for the evening. The hookup happened after she had dropped everyone else off. The text message was from the "friend" along the lines of "How did it go with him", and my wife had responded back with the details of what had happened. This was some pretty solid proof and I was completely in shock. It took me an hour of disbelief to wake her up and confront her with the cheating which she of course denied at first and then relented that it had happened 3 times, that it was only oral on him, and that it had been going on since the end of the school year. Basically over the summer.

Well, you all know how this goes. She promised that she would end it and I went digging for more evidence everywhere I could think to look and came back to her a week or so later with phone records showing that they had been calling each other for at least a year (this is as far as I can get records online). This got her to admit to five times it happened, not three. And she got mad. A few days later I found her checking her school email and noticed another email from the "friend." - Not the OM mind you, but I knew that she talked about her afair with this woman so I demanded to see it. She wouldn't show it to me out of "the principle of the thing." This is when I knew it was still going on.

She changed her work email password but I was able to figure it out and this time I decided to just monitor her conversations with the "friend" so I could determine what she was really thinking and doing. Well it turned out that not only was the affair still going, but the "friend" was having an affair as well with yet another man that works at the same school. The "friend" is married as well with two children. You can't make this stuff up.

Most of the conversations were about how they planned to entice their APs into the next encounter and talk about when they were successful and when they were not. Meanwhile, at home she was playing actress with me supposedly trying to work on the relationship. She even agreed to go to MC with me which we did last week. 

This past weekend, I couldn't stand it any longer and told her that I knew she wasn't being truthful with me but didn't let on exactly what I knew. I told her that she was to tell me everything and I would know when she was lying because I wasn't going to tell her what I knew and what I didn't know. All i would reveal it that I knew she had told me some lies. Finally, after some going back and forth with that, I got a "total confession: from her about the affair. 

She told me that this has actually been going on since Janurary. That it was/is kissing, manual stimulation on her, and oral pleasure by her on him. At first, it was every day at school, but that turned into once a week on the weekends to once every two weeks or so, to now where she is pursuing him all of the time and is frustrated that he only wants it every couple of weeks. She is depressed because she is in love and he doesn't seem as interested in her as he was in the beginning. She says she tried to get him to have sex with her but he wouldn't because he considered that cheating. While this sounds far fetched, I believe this narrative in general because it matches up with the secret email conversations she had with the "friend" when she didn't know I was reading them.

Here is where I made a typical mistake. I told her I loved her and didn't want to lose her, and tried to reason with her that we should work it out, blah blah. She promised to not see him anymore. She promised to work on the marriage instead. I told her I would be there for her if she was sad and give her the passion she was getting from him. I was thinking I could simply be a better choice for her.

Then early Monday morning, I called the OM on the phone before she could talk to him at school and threatened to expose the affair to everyone I could tell it to if he didn't end it with her immediately. I also questioned him on how long it had been going on and he at first said over the summer which I guess is the last thing that she had told him that she had told me. I told him I knew that was BS, and he then said that it had started "as the holidays were getting started". To me this would mean around December, but that is close enough for me to be pretty sure that it hasn't been going on for more than a year. I didn't really expect to get any new information but I made him promise that he would not be with her any more and to also promise that he would not tell her that we had talked. Otherwise, I would lower the boom and inform his wife and coworkers. He seemd sincere in his promise but I've learned not to believe a word. This may have been a mistake, We will see what happens.

As of yesterday, I have started to implement the 180 plan. I now realize that I really can't believe a word she says anymore and must be prepared for the worst. I do still love her for some crazy reason and I do have these two small children to worry about. 180 is HARD though.

For now, I am in sort of a holding pattern. We go see the MC again this Saturday. The first session was all about our communication problems, but I want to bring all of this other stuff up instead. I really don't see how we can work on us until I am convinced she really is comitted to giving him up and having NC with him. It's really a hard thing to prove one way or the other because they work together. When she goes to work, I really have no way of knowing what is going on, and she now knows that I was reading her eamils so that source of insight has been cut off.

I've also been thinking that not only is she having a EA and PA with this man, she is also haviung a serious EA with the "friend." I'm to the point where I think she needs to get away from the whole environment and quit her job. Of course this will be met with resistence in the middle of a school year.

And if you hadn't figured it out by now, all of this started right after she became pregnant with the baby. I'm 99% sure it is mine though because well it looks like me and it looks like our son. I also don't think they ever had intercourse either. About 90% on that one. I've ordered a home paternity test anyway though just for my own sanity.

Sorry this is so long. What do you guys think?


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## sigma1299

I think it sounds like you've got an excellent grip on the whole unfortunate situation. In your last 5 paragraphs I can find nothing that you're not doing right. The only thing I see is that some will tell you to go ahead and contact the OM's wife, and likely the friends husband to. Some here are big believers in that, others not so much. I will say that were I you and I had any indication that they had said so much as guzundteight (sic) to each other I'd tell his wife in a heart beat. It is the MOST EFFECTIVE way to shut down an affair. If it gets to this do not warn your wife in advance. 

Sorry you're here but it does sound like you've got a good plan and are now doing the right things.


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## TheGoodFight

Thanks for that. As of right now, my strategy is to use the threat of exposure as a weapon against him. If my intel is correct, he is not in love with her, just in love with the sexual favors. I can't be 100% on that one though. He does have problems in his own marriage obviously and I know one of the things he is getting out of this is that my wife will give him oral and his wife won't.

My biggest problem right now is that I have no way of really verifying that promises are being kept. Either they are being kept or they have gone further underground.

My ultimate goal is to have my wife agree to expose it herself. At least I would know she was serious at that point. That may be a fantasy though.


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## RadicallyAccepting

Look for posts on the "script". You'll see that your wife will say exactly the same things all WWs say. And you'll realize that a ssoap opera would reject it as just too crazy. 

We're all there.


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## HerToo

First, sorry you are in such a mess.

She needs to quit her job now. If she won't, tell her you will expose her affair to the school principal or the Superintendent at the main office and everyone involved will likely lose their jobs (you really need her to quit instead because this will taint her ability to get a new job elsewhere). Both of you should be tested for STD's.

Perhaps I'm wrong here, but in my opinion you should inform the the OM's wife now. Otherwise, you are an accessory to it. Expose the "friend's" affair as well for the same reason. 

Demand complete transparency from your wife. Get a NC letter from her. Install a keylogger on the computer. Get a VAR and put it in her car where she won't find it. Do everything you seen on these posts.

I say all these things as a cheater myself.


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## Shaggy

You can expose the friend to the friends husband should reduce her support network.

She has no remorse at this point. She even seems proud of herself. Typically that needs exposure to blow up the fun and begin clearing the fog.

Why haven't you gone the exposure route?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotLikeYou

If you don't have password access to your wife's phone and email, she is not serious about saving the marriage. She is still gaslighting you. And if you haven't informed the OM's wife, you are not making use of one of your biggest allies in ending the affair.

You're headed in the right direction, but you ain't there yet


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## TheGoodFight

RadicallyAccepting said:


> Look for posts on the "script". You'll see that your wife will say exactly the same things all WWs say. And you'll realize that a ssoap opera would reject it as just too crazy.
> 
> We're all there.


I read it last night. And it sounded very familiar. that's part of what made me realize I needed to start doing something different.



HerToo said:


> She needs to quit her job now. If she won't, tell her you will expose her affair to the school principal or the Superintendent at the main office and everyone involved will likely lose their jobs (you really need her to quit instead because this will taint her ability to get a new job elsewhere). Both of you should be tested for STD's.


I think this may be the only way but I'm not sure I should do much else before we see the MC Saturday. I'm hoping the MC will suggest this instead of me. Again, maybe fantasy.



HerToo said:


> Perhaps I'm wrong here, but in my opinion you should inform the the OM's wife now. Otherwise, you are an accessory to it. Expose the "friend's" affair as well for the same reason.


I am fighting with this myself. Right now that is my nuclear option. Still undecided.



HerToo said:


> Demand complete transparency from your wife. Get a NC letter from her. Install a keylogger on the computer. Get a VAR and put it in her car where she won't find it. Do everything you seen on these posts.
> 
> I say all these things as a cheater myself.


keylogger already done but she knows not to use the computer at home. VAR already in the car.


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## Eli-Zor

She leaves her job now, call the friends husband and expose the fact that his wife is having an affair as well.

Why are you negotiating with he OM? Where did you read anywhere you assume he will leave your wife alone . Do you really think after such a long intimate affair that they will suddenly stop, they are going to go underground and your wife is going to lead the way.

Is he married ? If not you get hold of his parents and friends and expose to them, if he is or has a significant other expose to them.

As your wife HAS to leave her job now , send a mail to the school headmaster copy the governers exposing the affair . 

The only reason you would decline to do the above is your fear and that you are willing to lose your marriage. Why are you even bothering to go to MC , here is no negotiating with a wayward , the only way forward is if you lead it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

I read again and see he has a wife, get on the phone and call her pronto.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheGoodFight

Shaggy said:


> You can expose the friend to the friends husband should reduce her support network.
> 
> She has no remorse at this point. She even seems proud of herself. Typically that needs exposure to blow up the fun and begin clearing the fog.
> 
> Why haven't you gone the exposure route?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I thought I was holding back some cards to play. Maybe I am foolish in thinking that?



NotLikeYou said:


> If you don't have password access to your wife's phone and email, she is not serious about saving the marriage. She is still gaslighting you. And if you haven't informed the OM's wife, you are not making use of one of your biggest allies in ending the affair.
> 
> You're headed in the right direction, but you ain't there yet


I have access to all of that but they know not to use those anymore. Her communication with the OM isn't via those things anyway. They can talk face to face at work. It's her communication with the "friend" that is through those means. I know that needs to end as well though.



Eli-Zor said:


> The only reason you would decline to do the above is your fear and that you are willing to lose your marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well I think you are right there. Deep down this is a problem for me but I am starting to see the light. I really want that little baby to have two parents at home though. This will be the toughest thing for me. That and we have been together since we were 18...


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## Almostrecovered

I thought threatening the om was the right move and it wasn't 

I still obsessed and worried, exposing him caused him to call my wife a crazy woman and it killed any feelings she had left for him.

Also MC is worthless if your wife won't be transparent and show remorse, it will only be used as a vehicle to blame you for the affair
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

The problem is that MC won't work unless she is working on the M. She's actually proud of her affair and it doesn't sound like she has any interest in ending it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheGoodFight

Almostrecovered said:


> I thought threatening the om was the right move and it wasn't
> 
> I still obsessed and worried, exposing him caused him to call my wife a crazy woman and it killed any feelings she had left for him.


I'm confused. That sounds like it worked? He would have a hard time denying that he was an active participant. Not only do I have other proof, I taped the conversation I had with him on the phone. 



Almostrecovered said:


> Also MC is worthless if your wife won't be transparent and show remorse, it will only be used as a vehicle to blame you for the affair
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I don't believe she is showing real remorse at this point. She is just a little scared if losing her kids I think. And feeling guilty about being caught. Nothing more.

As far as transparent, I can't really tell. :scratchhead: After all, I can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth and I can't go to work with her everyday.


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## RadicallyAccepting

TheGoodFight said:


> I'm confused. That sounds like it worked? He would have a hard time denying that he was an active participant. Not only do I have other proof, I taped the conversation I had with him on the phone.
> 
> 
> .


For AR, threatening didn't work. Exposure did.


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## aug

You'll need the evidence you have thus far of the affairs - both your wife's and her friend.

Print the emails, or save them to USB or whatever. Secure them in a safe place.

When these are secured, expose to OMW and her friend's husband.

Since these emails of affairs were on the employer's computer systems, report her friend to the employer. Do not report your wife's till after the divorce is finalized so that any spousal support can be to your financial advantage.

You expose to her friend's husband so that he can deal with his own STD checkup and his wife's adultery. This way your wife's friend will no longer be in cahoots with your wife. Similarily, expose to the OMW.

Do a paternity test on your 6-month old baby. The test is relatively inexpensive. I think you do not want to be legally or financially responsible for the child if not yours.


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## aug

Divorce is always an option right now. Unless your wife can land another job immediately, her quitting will hit you hard financially when you are divorcing.

Let the OM quit his job.


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## Eli-Zor

For recovery to have the slightest success she should leave her job now , if you are concerned about the financial consequence think of the lack of finance when you divorce , from hard experience the marriage never recovers if the waywards continue to work together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheGoodFight

For what its worth. The OM is actively seeking employment in another state for other reasons. (his wife wants to move closer to family) According to him he will be gone within 9 months.


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## Almostrecovered

That's 9 months of paranoia
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Tell his wife. Do this without warning him or ur wife. Granted you did kinda drop the ball by threatening it but...do it anyway. Soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Yes...get a paternity test. Do not tell her u want to take her back so easily. Tell her that u refuse to live in an open marriage n u will divorce her if she continues this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo

Tell the OM's wife now. Don't make her wait to hear what she is going to learn about anyways. As long as his wife doesn't know, he will try to contact your wife.


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## Almostrecovered

I know you think keeping it over his head is best instead of exposing but consider this-


what happens if you expose?

possibilities

1) exposure takes the excitement out of the affair and he realizes that he had it good with the wife, he blames your wife and calls he all sorts of things and your wife then comes out of the fog due to his rejection (more likely due to what you have written on how he has tried to slow it down)
2) he decides your wife is his true love and your wife agrees, they both file and try to have relationship but likely fail (3% chance, no lie) NOTE- this could happen and has happened- BUT know this- if it does happen then you didn't have a shot of repairing the marriage in the first place and only sped up the process and got your answer without being in the torture of limbo


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## Shaggy

There is also the chance that they'll just go deeper under ground since you wife will pursue him.

If they do set something up, maybe use that opportunity to contact the OMW , meet up with her at the rendezvous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm

Your wife is in an environment where she can't possibly succeed and you can't possibly trust her. She can't be going to work where the OM and this 'friend' are. 

I agree with exposing both to the OM wife and to the 'friend's husband. 

Like someone else said .... If you expose, you will end things sooner and force her out of the fog. If you end up losing her, because of exposing, you save yourself the months of heartache while they take things underground and you end up without her anyhow.


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## sadcalifornian

If you W is remorseful, maybe what you have done is sufficient while expecting some posters to disagree, but in this case, she is not. Then, you should take your actions to the next level. You must expose to everyone. Expose it to the school principle so that they cannot casually meet up on the school property as people will see. Expose it to OMW as this will provide another set of eyes to monitor any further contact, not to mention this being the minimal consequence for him to seduce a married woman. Expose her friend's A to her H as well, as she is an accomplice and her H is in the same sitch as you without knowing it. He deserves to know. 

If this set of exposure does not bring about remorse, then expose to your inlaws, your families, and your friends.

And, if you have doubt in her confession, just demand polygraph and see what she says.

Most importantly, do not fear D. It's your W who must apologize and seek forgiveness. And, if she refuse to do so, seriously what choice do you have? Accept the situation and be ready to go with the flow. Life goes on.


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## bryanp

I feel that you have made some major mistakes. Clearly there has be no consequences to her actions. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

You must inform the OM's wife. Look this man has at the least been fingering your wife and getting oral from her for a year. The wife has a right to know and it will end it immediately. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want the wife to tell you?

Her story sounds like bs. Cheating spouses never tell the whole story. I think there is a very good chance that they have been having intercourse. You need to get tested for STD's. In addition, you must have your baby checked for a paternity test even though you are convinced it is yours. You have nothing to lose and remember that cheaters are liars.

You have found out that they have been sexual for at least a year and you have a baby that is 6 months old. This means she has been having sex with all through her pregnancy and immediately after her pregnancy. This is simply outrageous and incredibly disrespect and humiliating to you. This should make you sick to your stomach that he was having sex with your pregnant wife. This shows your wife has nothing but contempt for you and your marriage.

She is remorseful because she got caught. Since you seem to have very little boundaries on her, I am guessing that she did this because she knew even if she got caught you would forgive her. Do you think if she knew that any cheating would have culminated in an immediate divorce, she still would have cheated? I doubt it.

Again the fact that she was cheating on you and having sex with the OM through her entire pregnancy with your child makes me think that you would be an absolute fool to stay with her. Her behavior is sickening. Seriously this is the ultimate in scorn and humiliation toward a husband. I strongly suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options. She is not worth of you and clearly has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
1. Get Tested for STD's
2. Contact the OM's wife and expose
3. See a lawyer for your options.
Nobody should have to go through what she has put you through.


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## Arnold

Bryan is right. I am sorry you have been put through this. But, you need to step up and do the right thing as regards the guy's wife, as well as your wife's frined's husband. It just is not right, even immoral, to sit back and leave thise folks in the dark. As others have pointed out, surely you would have wanted someone to tell you, right?

And, here is another little tidbit re affairs: the vast, vast majority of them go undetected, forever. So, you stumbleed upon this one. What do you think the odds are that this is her first foray inot this realm? You've been together for a while and have two kids. It is highly likely, statistically, that she has done this before and your kids may be, biologically, unrelated to you.

In studies among random couples in Canada, about 10% of all husbands are raising kids that are not theirs, biolgically, unbeknownst to them. When the sampling is confined to couples where the wife has cheated, the stats go up dramatically.
You should, IMO, consider paternity testing. And, STD testing is a must.
Your information re the extent of their activities comes solelyfrom your wife. I may be mistakes, but your wife may have just a small problem with being entirely truthful, at times.


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## TheGoodFight

Wow I hadn't even considered if she has no job then if there is a divorce I'll be paying out the you know what. I know that chances are good that the kids will go to the wife in this case since she is not abusing them or anything like that. Well, other than the affair itself but that doesn't matter in court.

Some good advice here. Everything from suggestions on how to get remorse all the way to dump the bit**h and move on.

I'll have to think about this for a bit. The only advice I have from someone close to me is to think of my children first. That's been the main thought behind my actions so far.


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## Arnold

Consult an attorney. I doubt it is as cut and dried as her recent loss of a job resulting in increased child support or spousal maintenance. A lawyer could show her earning capacity rather easily , using her job history. And, no court will allow her to voluntarily stay out of the labor force, as she historically has worked(although wit the state of the law as regaards men, maybe ).
In any case, a lawyer in your jurisdiction can advise you. But, what about your moral obligation to the other betrayed spouses?


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## bryanp

I have to ask you how you could possible get over the fact that she was engaged in sex with her lover during her entire pregnancy with your child? How could this not be psychologically damaging to you? This is so over the line that it is absolutely unforgivable.


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## Entropy3000

I would have insisted she quit her job IMMEDIATELY. I mean first thing in the morning. Call in for a subtitute. Wait for her in the car.

If not I would have gone to the school and exposed the affair. then I would have followed up exposing to the OMs wife.


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## morituri

TGF please educate yourself by going to *Dad's divorce* so that you can mitigate any impact from any possible divorce. Good luck.


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## lordmayhem

TheGoodFight, you've been given great advice so far. Ignore it at your own peril. 

Off Topic: Before I started going on infidelity support forums, I didn't realize just how many affairs happen among school teachers/employees. I didn't even think they had the time to interact enough to even start having affairs. Boy was I wrong.


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## vickyyy

start giving condoms to your wife every time she goes to school so that u will not get STD and u maybe happy
thegoodfight : have some self respect


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## TheGoodFight

OK so some of the things I've read here in this thread have made me get angry about the whole thing. Especially the posts by Bryanp. 

Thinking of the DS script, when I first posted yesterday I think I was just on the cusp of moving from wanting her back so bad to being just angry and totally upset about the whole thing. The more I think about the lack of respect from her and her total disregard for me and her family over the past year, the angrier I get.

This morning, I told her that I didn't think she fully realized yet what she had done and proceeded to tell her how humiliated and disrespected I felt and how she showed no real remorse for the situation at all. Yea, she says she feels guilty about it and wishes she hadn't done it, but her actions said otherwise. I told her she had no respect for me and nothing but contempt for our marriage. (thanks for some words bryanp)

I told her that she had risked our family, others people's families, and their and her own careers by what she did. She says that this week she has started to realize all of that and seemed to be ashamed about it.

The truth is it is kind of hard to tell with her. One of the problems in our marriage all along is that she holds things inside and is not very vocal at all about what she is feeling. We never fight. I mean never. I can't remember the last time we had raised voices at each other. It's been years. While this may seem like a good thing that we don't fight, what I've come to realize is that she just doesn't say anything about it if something is bothering her. If we get a chance to actually work on our marriage this is one of the things we will have to address.

I went on to tell her that she needed to write both the OM and the "friend" a letter telling them that she wanted no further contact with them. I also told her she had to be totally open and transparent with me even if they so much as said hi to her. I also told her that I shouldn't have to suffer through every day wondering what she is doing at work and that she needed to quit her job and remove herself from the situation. I also told her that she needed to be the one to tell the OMs wife about the affair and tell her "friends" husband about what had been going on with his wife.

I told her she needed to expose the affair to the OMs wife and expose the "friends" affair to her husband as well. I told her she was an accomplice in both of thier affairs. I told her she was either going to choose to protect them or choose to be with me. 

I told her that I didn't know why I would even want to be with someone that would treat me this way. I told her I didn't know if I could even live with what had happened and I had no idea how she was going to ever make it up to me.

Today is a teacher workday so no kids are at school. Its also not a required day so the OM isn't going to be there today. Or so I have been told. That may be a lie but how would I know? She says that she is going to write both of them an email this morning at work telling them not to contact her anymore and that it is over. She is going to tell them that they should tell their wife and husband what has been going on.

I will see this email because I have access to her email account. I'm sure some here will say that is not enough but I am hoping that this is a real wakeup call to her about the gravity of what she has done to me. If she follows through with removing herself from this environment and exposes the affairs herself then I will consider that a step in the right direction towards true remorse. And don't think I won't follow up if she tells me or even shows me she has done those things. After all if everyone knows, it won't hurt for me to talk to them as well now will it?

I can tell you this- she will either follow through and quit the job and remove all traces of these people from her lives and expose the situation to everyone involved or I will do it myself. I don't have to put up with this anymore and from this day forward I will not.


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## lordmayhem

TheGoodFight said:


> The truth is it is kind of hard to tell with her. One of the problems in our marriage all along is that she holds things inside and is not very vocal at all about what she is feeling. We never fight. I mean never. I can't remember the last time we had raised voices at each other. It's been years. While this may seem like a good thing that we don't fight, what I've come to realize is that she just doesn't say anything about it if something is bothering her. If we get a chance to actually work on our marriage this is one of the things we will have to address.


That probably means one of you is passive-aggressive or both of you are. This is a good guide by fighting2survive at SI, and is a good indicator of True Remorse vs Rug Sweeping. If she is truly remorseful about the affair and wants to save the marriage, she should be totally in the left column. Otherwise, she's rugsweeping and you're enabling it and it will happen again in the future.


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## Almostrecovered

having your wife expose isn't the best course, she will likely try to down play it


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## TheGoodFight

Almostrecovered said:


> having your wife expose isn't the best course, she will likely try to down play it


I don't really expect that she will anyway...At the most all I think she will do is tell them that they should tell their spouses. I fully expect that I will have to do this myself shortly. And even if she does, I then intend to follow up with the supporting evidence anyway. I think of it as catching your kid stealing from a store. You make them go back to the store with you and admit what they did and then you follow up yourself.

As for the passive agressive stuff. She is definately passive and not very agressive at least to my face. That's one of the big problems. She is passive with me and I guess I used to think she didn't ever let it out. Now I know she was just doing that part behind my back...


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## lordmayhem

TheGoodFight said:


> As for the passive agressive stuff. She is definately passive and not very agressive at least to my face. That's one of the big problems. She is passive with me and I guess I used to think she didn't ever let it out. Now I know she was just doing that part behind my back...


Don't be surprised if she made you out to be a monster behind your back.


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## TheGoodFight

Well from reading texts that she sent other people she made me out to be a jerk and an ass. And truthfully I probably wasn't the best husband I could be. But I know that's still no excuse and she shouldn't be telling other people about it anyway without trying to address it with me first. I've come to grips with being responsible for 50% of our relationship but I'm not going to take any blame for the affair.


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## Eli-Zor

It read like the next problem is you ......your inability to man up and contact the OM's wife and the friends husband. Take these next few words as motivation ; grow some balls and start doing what we asked you to do.

You contact the OM's wife
You contact the friends husband
You give her a no contact template to hand write , you ensure it is sent such that he signs for receipt of it.
No Contact Letter

You send a letter to the head master, school governors and the region head of schools , template below.


"""""

To Whom It May Concern:
*
This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.
*
WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims and any other future legal dilemmas that this situation may present, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers and the interoffice instant messaging service, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.
*
I have retained legal counsel to help guide me through this process and I expect that this will be handled with the upmost care and discretion.* If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.
*
*
*
-BS
*
cc:* [Director of Gen’l Counsel, Legal]
***** [VP Senior Manager of Security]
"""""


For goodness sake , your wife wants a husband who leads , who fights for her , your behaviours must change. 

Now please you start doing what we asked and do not tell her when you expose this to her work, or contact the friends husband , or the OM's wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

Almostrecovered said:


> having your wife expose isn't the best course, she will likely try to down play it


Reminds me of another poster from elsewhere he stood back and could understand why he should be doing this himself , the fear factor affecting a Betrayed Spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

Thegoodfight: your success in stopping this affair and recovering your marriage is of the upmost importance to most of us who post here . Please don't follow the "Thegoodfight" version on how to break this affair , we have seen this countless times and know and understand the wayward script , you even had former waywards posting the same advice to what I wrote and yet you changed the process . Please don't , the process of exposure and the NC letter works as it has been done before and learnt from countless other affairs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

Steps from a poster on another forum:-


1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD(?) WIFE!
2 – Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 – Put “Flexispy” on any cellphone that she might use.
4 – Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 – Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take “personal” calls
6 – Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and “on” whenever in her presence.
7 – Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her – parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 – Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 – Put together the electronic evidence for each AP. 
10 - Write a cover note for your wife’s contacts, to the tune of: “I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333”
11 – Write a similar note to POSOM’s contacts.
12 – Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 – Brace yourself.

My own...14 . Never believe a word that come out of a waywards mouth


In your case some can be skipped or modified as your wife 'may' have stopped the affair , the draw of the affair is going to be huge and her leaving her job now is key to you saving your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheGoodFight

Eli-Zor said:


> Thegoodfight: your success in stopping this affair and recovering your marriage is of the upmost importance to most of us who post here . Please don't follow the "Thegoodfight" version on how to break this affair , we have seen this countless times and know and understand the wayward script , you even had former waywards posting the same advice to what I wrote and yet you changed the process . Please don't , the process of exposure and the NC letter works as it has been done before and learnt from countless other affairs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok I'm going to drop the bomb. This will be VERY hard. Not sure I want to contact work yet if she is willing to give it up (the job). I do intend to drop a dime on the "friend" though. 

Here is another kicker about her work: My wife told one of the assistant principals about her affair and he advised her to get another phone and keep it at school "for communication on the DL". I can't believe the level of character from many at the school.


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## Almostrecovered

TheGoodFight said:


> Here is another kicker about her work: My wife told one of the assistant principals about her affair and he advised her to get another phone and keep it at school "for communication on the DL". I can't believe the level of character from many at the school.



wow, that smells like a lawsuit waiting to happen- probably too expensive to follow up but if you have to expose to work I would say to throw him under the bus too


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## aug

bryanp said:


> You have found out that they have been sexual for at least a year and you have a baby that is 6 months old. This means she has been having sex with all through her pregnancy and immediately after her pregnancy. This is simply outrageous and incredibly disrespect and humiliating to you. This should make you sick to your stomach that he was having sex with your pregnant wife. This shows your wife has nothing but contempt for you and your marriage.


It could be that the baby belongs to the OM.

Do that paternity test on the baby now. The test is fairly inexpensive. I've seen it advertised for $100. Google it.


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## aug

TheGoodFight said:


> Here is another kicker about her work: My wife told one of the assistant principals about her affair and he advised her to get another phone and keep it at school "for communication on the DL". I can't believe the level of character from many at the school.


Probably the assistant principal is trying to protect the wife from getting fired by advising her not to use school property for personal use?


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## sadcalifornian

If they work at the same place, NC letters, although still necessary, may not serve any effective purpose at all. How can you be in NC with someone you see everyday? 

She must change her job. I know this will take time, and in the meantime this limbo state will continue and it's no good for anybody. At this point, your exposure to OMW is essential as she should provide another set of eyes to make sure NC is maintained. 

Her friend is an accomplice in this, and it's even possible she encouraged your W down this path. Compared to WHs, WWs are strange creatures that they tend to encourage other Ws to follow the same path of A. You should consider this "friend" just as toxic as her OM. 

If and when you decide to expose this to the school principal, tell him that you are considering suing the school for condoning this behavior citing the assistant pricipal advising your W how to carry on A.


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## Eli-Zor

> How can you be in NC with someone you see everyday?


Yes this is the problem



> She must change her job.


Yes again 


> Her friend is an accomplice in this


tell her husband 




> tell him that you are considering suing the school for condoning this behavior citing the assistant pricipal advising your W how to carry on A.


Do your best to have him/her fired, this person worked actively to destroy your marriage


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## vickyyy

Please inform principal about everyone encouraging your wife in affair.they must be punished.What kind of school is this ?


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## Eli-Zor

The problem you have now is your wife has told the friend you know, you called the OM so both of them have time to spin a story with their spouses that a mad person is going to call and make accusations . I suggest when you make the calls have some evidence at hand to send them .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump

I disagree about exposing to the entire workplace.

First, you may get both of them fired. Or, if not fired, at least there's a black mark on their personnel records that may make it very difficult to find employment at another school. If your wife needs this job, and given OM is leaving at the end of the year anyway, you may want to try for a transfer to another school within the same district.

Second, I can't imagine that there is any liability on the school district for two consenting adults having sex. So just let that go.

But, I do agree with informing the other spouses of the affairs.


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## sadcalifornian

PHTlump said:


> I disagree about exposing to the entire workplace.
> 
> First, you may get both of them fired. Or, if not fired, at least there's a black mark on their personnel records that may make it very difficult to find employment at another school. If your wife needs this job, and given OM is leaving at the end of the year anyway, you may want to try for a transfer to another school within the same district.
> 
> Second, I can't imagine that there is any liability on the school district for two consenting adults having sex. So just let that go.
> 
> But, I do agree with informing the other spouses of the affairs.


I don't think the principal will do much other than expressing his displeasure with their behaviors and that most likely would be it. Threatening to sue the school is just to add heat on the principal to take the matter more seriously, not to mention giving some payback to the assistant principal.


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## PHTlump

sadcalifornian said:


> I don't think the principal will do much other than expressing his displeasure with their behaviors and that most likely would be it. Threatening to sue the school is just to add heat on the principal to take the matter more seriously, not to mention giving some payback to the assistant principal.


The school isn't liable. Therefore, a lawsuit will not succeed. A frivolous lawsuit isn't likely to bring heat or payback to anybody. It will just waste money.


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## tacoma

It sounds like she has to quit her job and you need a paternity test on the little one.

No intercourse?
Don' buy that bull****
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

PHTlump said:


> The school isn't liable. Therefore, a lawsuit will not succeed. A frivolous lawsuit isn't likely to bring heat or payback to anybody. It will just waste money.


That may be true but in these times of school budget cutbacks, do you seriously believe that this black mark these people will receive won't put them on the next list of people to lay off?


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## Eli-Zor

His wife should resign with immediate effect or take a leave of absence until the OM is gone , this will impact the family finances but he has no choice as the BS will not be aware of the interactions between his wife and the OM . The exposure at the workplace should still occur to break this cycle of affairs within this school.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump

morituri said:


> That may be true but in these times of school budget cutbacks, do you seriously believe that this black mark these people will receive won't put them on the next list of people to lay off?


Budgetary school layoffs, in 99% of the districts in this country, are seniority-based. The newest teacher on staff is the first one laid off. Unless there is some voluntary attrition or criminal activity leading to dismissal.

However, it's possible that, if word got out in the community that two teachers were banging in a classroom, political pressure would force them to be reassigned or pressured to resign. And it's certainly true that their behavior wouldn't win any favors with administrators.


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## ren

Whether or not the school can be sued, this is the kind of epic PR disaster the District Superintendent is going to pay complete attention to. You have two married teachers carrying on a sexual affair at school, one of whom was even pregnant at the time! The assistant principal gave one of them advise on how to continue the affair. I didn't catch whether her "friend" who is also having an affair works at the school too, but if she does it is just more ammunition for the firing squad. 
If you explain what is going on to the principal and they do not take action they will lose their job when this becomes public. It is that simple and if they don't see that they deserve to lose their job.
Really important: Do not let on that you are accessing your wife's school email account. That is potentially not legal and could be used against you. 

Whether you inform their employer, I think informing the OM's wife and the husband of the monstrous "friend" is a moral duty you need to fulfill. They need to know what their spouse is doing, it literally is putting lives at risk and that obligates you to act. 
I do think it could be helpful to go talk with the principal, they have the ability to keep your wife apart from the OM at school and you don't need to go into details about things to demand they take action. That may mean firing one or both of them, it may mean threatening them with firing if there is any contact between them during his remaining time working there. If nothing else, the principal should be aware of the coming disaster your wife, the OM, and the assistant principal have created for the school when word gets out.


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## lordmayhem

A moral misconduct is a serious accusation, one that the local school board would be obliged to look into. At the very least, the school principal and the named parties would have to defend themselves and explain their actions. 

Advise them you will take it up with the school board.


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## morituri

It's time to expose that nest of rats posing as teachers. Your wife, her fellow cheating wife 'friend' and POSOM need to be given a good tongue lashing by the school board for their sexcapade behavior. Otherwise, these individuals may then choose to target students for their 'fun and games' because they feel they can get away with it.


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## Chaparral

Here's the possible headline I would show the principle if push comes to shove:

SEX RING UNCOVERED AT LOCAL SCHOOL

TEACHERS ADMIT HAVING SEX IN SCHOOL

ASST. PRINCIPLE INVOlVED IN COVER UP


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## TheGoodFight

NC letter sent yesterday. Trying to figure out how to contact the OMW. All I know is where they live. his wife is a SAHM and I have no idea her phone number. I don't want to show up there and risk confrontation with the OM. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid, I just want to stay out of jail.

Still thinking about the workplace thing. I believe what happens in cases like this is that people will get reassigned or moved around. Schools like to keep things quiet if possible. Logistically, that may not happen quickly though.


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## Shaggy

If you know the address, have you tried the phone book?


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## sadcalifornian

It shouldn't be hard to find out OM's working hours from school office. You can just pretend to be a parent with bogus name asking when OM will be in. While OM is at school, you can just drive over to his house.


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## Eli-Zor

TheGoodFight said:


> NC letter sent yesterday. Trying to figure out how to contact the OMW. All I know is where they live. his wife is a SAHM and I have no idea her phone number. I don't want to show up there and risk confrontation with the OM. Don't get me wrong, I'm not afraid, I just want to stay out of jail.
> 
> Still thinking about the workplace thing. I believe what happens in cases like this is that people will get reassigned or moved around. Schools like to keep things quiet if possible. Logistically, that may not happen quickly though.


Good work , how did the NC letter go out and did you proof read it first?

If you cannot track his wife's number wait till he is a work and knock on his door , a short polite conversation introducing yourself , apologising for bearing the news you have, mention the affair , give her a letter with your name and more details of the affair mentioning the NC letter and then offer for her to call you if she chooses.

It should take no more than a few minutes and you should be out of there.

Btw if the OM phones you and threatens you remind him a court case will publicly advertise his adultery , he will have no where to hide his lies, then put down the phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

If you have a copy of NC letter hand it to the OMW
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sindo

Your wife has admitted that she's in love with OM. Have you discussed how she feels about you? Does she even love you at this point?

If she loves OM more than she loves you, is she just staying because she's afraid of a divorce without OM as an exit strategy? Something to consider when deciding how far you want to go.

Edit: Any progress on that paternity test?


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## morituri

Don't forget about the paternity tests on BOTH your children. It may be that this affair is not her first so it behooves you to put to rest the paternity of the children once and for all. 

The paternity laws are very biased against betrayed husbands and men in general. A man may be forced to financially support a child that is not biologically his if he doesn't appeal within a short period of time - 2 years in some cases - yet the woman can come back at anytime, decades later and sue for back child support payments even though the man wasn't aware that he fathered a child.

You must legally protect yourself.


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## TheGoodFight

Eli-Zor said:


> Good work , how did the NC letter go out and did you proof read it first?
> 
> If you cannot track his wife's number wait till he is a work and knock on his door , a short polite conversation introducing yourself , apologising for bearing the news you have, mention the affair , give her a letter with your name and more details of the affair mentioning the NC letter and then offer for her to call you if she chooses.
> 
> It should take no more than a few minutes and you should be out of there.
> 
> Btw if the OM phones you and threatens you remind him a court case will publicly advertise his adultery , he will have no where to hide his lies, then put down the phone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She hand wrote it from a template I found online. I read it and then drove with her to the post office where I went in myself and mailed it registered with return receipt.

She is upset about this but has accepted it as a way to prove that she is serious. She has also written an email to the "friend" telling her that they can't be friends anymore. I also got some real crying and begging me not to leave her.

We went to the MC today and I got some advice and insight there as well. I got the sense that the MC has seen far worse cases and thinks we would be fools not to try to work it out. I left thinking we have a good shot of getting through this together. We have a lot of history together (17 years and half of our lives) and are crystal clear on where we went wrong in our marriage. The tough part will be getting back what we had at one time.

There is going to be a lot of resentment if I make her quit her job. She is in a specalized field and quitting will mean she won't be able to just get another job at the drop of a hat. It's taken her years to finally get the position she has now.

I believe she is trully willing to quit though if I demand it. She is now begging me to let her stay till the end of the year (Late Dec or early Jan).

I'm starting to see some real commitment to wanting to work it out but I don't want to get false hope. I intend to push as hard as I can, but I also don't want to ruin an reconciliation by being unreasonable.


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## Shaggy

Here's an idea. 

If she wants to be able to stay, ask her to create a set of things she can do to prove that nothing is going to be going on. Make it her challenge to come up with a solution to your worry that by going back, she will just be continuing things, and that the environment is going to be conducive to cheating.

Make her figure out and propose a path.


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## TheGoodFight

Sindo said:


> Your wife has admitted that she's in love with OM. Have you discussed how she feels about you? Does she even love you at this point?
> 
> If she loves OM more than she loves you, is she just staying because she's afraid of a divorce without OM as an exit strategy? Something to consider when deciding how far you want to go.
> 
> Edit: Any progress on that paternity test?


Yea, that is the fundamental problem right now. She has fallen out of love with me and loves this guy. Although I can't really imagine why. He doesn't want to be with her that way and all she does is give him oral and then leave. He has even stopped kissing and fingering her. Seriously, this is why it is so hard to catch. It literally takes them 10 minutes after work and it's over. She is not even late getting home when it happens.

I think that is what she is actually scared of. She is afraid she won't be able to feel like that about me again and she is scared that I'll never trust her again no matter what she does. I don't intend on offering any guarantees.


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## Eli-Zor

I am sorry to say ; I have rarely if ever, seen a marriage recover or an affair stop when two waywards work together especialy since you have no way of being here or hearing what is said.

The choice is your marriage or she leaves the job or the OM does. If you intend for your wife to stay then you had best rock the OM's world so he leaves and don't kid yourself that he will leave in a few months time and all will be OK. He and your wife were intimate and women in affairs tend to fall in love with their affair men, your wife was crying over the letter , why do you think that was? She is infatuated with the OM and thinks she is in love with him , it's called the fog once it clears she will hate herself for those feelings. 

For now you have a real problem. Your wife will continue talking to the OM , she will pine over him, him being at her place of work and readily accessible for lots of one to one fantasy conversations. You wonder what is happening and questioning her every day and not trusting her answers .

How do you think this will go ? One word "divorce" 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheGoodFight

Shaggy said:


> Here's an idea.
> 
> If she wants to be able to stay, ask her to create a set of things she can do to prove that nothing is going to be going on. Make it her challenge to come up with a solution to your worry that by going back, she will just be continuing things, and that the environment is going to be conducive to cheating.
> 
> Make her figure out and propose a path.


We have discussed this but really there is no foolproof way. I mean really, if someone is going to cheat they are going to find a way. You can make it harder to happen but you can't prevent it. This I have learned.

Maybe you mean that if the effort seems to be sincere then it counts towards something?


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## Shaggy

If she's that deep then quitting the job maybe the only path, but give her the problem to solve: how to prove she's not cheating.


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## aug

I still say make the OM quit his job first.

Do you live in an alienation of affection state?

Another suggestion: if the OM is still talking to your wife, then have your wife file a harassment complaint with her employer. The NC letter is evidence that he has been asked to stop.


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## TheGoodFight

aug said:


> I still say make the OM quit his job first.
> 
> Do you live in an alienation of affection state?
> 
> Another suggestion: if the OM is still talking to your wife, then have your wife file a harassment complaint with her employer. The NC letter is evidence that he has been asked to stop.


I'm not sure how I could make that happen. Any action the school takes will be taken against my wife as well. His wife doesn't work either.

I do live in an alienation of affection state.


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## TheGoodFight

Eli-Zor said:


> He and your wife were intimate and women in affairs tend to fall in love with their affair men, your wife was crying over the letter , why do you think that was? She is infatuated with the OM and thinks she is in love with him , it's called the fog once it clears she will hate herself for those feelings.


I wish she could really see how stupid this all is. They have 0% chance of being together in a real relationship. Yet she is still willing to risk everything. that is very frustrating to me.



Eli-Zor said:


> For now you have a real problem. Your wife will continue talking to the OM , she will pine over him, him being at her place of work and readily accessible for lots of one to one fantasy conversations. You wonder what is happening and questioning her every day and not trusting her answers .
> 
> How do you think this will go ? One word "divorce"
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes this is a very tough problem. Of course now I am asking her not only to choose him or the marriage. I'm asking her to choose between her marriage and her career. Whole different thing.


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## Eli-Zor

It a choice between money or marriage , you won't have any money if you divorce due to the affair. It is a financially tough choice but the decision has to be taken.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

For now the marriage is broken. Can it be repaired in the future? Unknown.

So, it's money.


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## TheGoodFight

Yes. I think one of her fears is that she will give up her job and then the marriage won't work out anyway.


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## bryanp

Your wife takes 10 minutes after to work to just blow him because she is so in love with him and not with you. Sorry but I really do not understand (even with your history) after everything she has done that you are proud that she is your wife. You must love her very much. From what you described she is begging you not to leave her on economic grounds. You deserve to be with a woman who truly loves and respects you which your wife clearly does not.
You deserve happiness, love and respect. If your willing to accept less than that then I feel sorry for you but nevertheless I wish you the best of luck in trying to recover.


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## Chaparral

Since you are going to try an reconcile, I would take a different tack than is usually offered here.

Write the other man a letter, maybe with the help of a lawyer, that lets him know what you will do if there is contact between him and your wife. You will sue him under alienation of affection statutes, out him to every school board he might possibly apply to, out him on the internet (cheaterville.com etc.) out him to all local media and parent groups. Sex on school property with asst. princples help would make major news. 

I seriously don't think he is that invested in this relationship to take the risk. I would have the lawyer draw up papers to show how serious I was.


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## TheGoodFight

bryanp said:


> Your wife takes 10 minutes after to work to just blow him because she is so in love with him and not with you. Sorry but I really do not understand (even with your history) after everything she has done that you are proud that she is your wife. You must love her very much. From what you described she is begging you not to leave her on economic grounds. You deserve to be with a woman who truly loves and respects you which your wife clearly does not.
> You deserve happiness, love and respect. If your willing to accept less than that then I feel sorry for you but nevertheless I wish you the best of luck in trying to recover.


I am not the only member of my family that I am concerned about. It would be by definition selfish of me to not do everything I can to keep the ship called my family afloat even in the worst storm. And you're right, I shouldn't and won't live in a relationship like that, but as long as I think there is hope I can still have those things in this relationship I will continue to bail water. I will declare abandon ship when I deem all is lost.


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## Locard

If they stay working together I put the odds of this working even with a crack head getting clean in a crack house. Sorry.


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## Eli-Zor

Look at this as if you are an owner or a bar , you have a known alcoholic, would you put them behind the bar while you stay at home , common sense tells you not because you know he would help himself to a couple of drinks, that is the position your wife is in.

You have a slim hope the OM's wife may force him to leave his job , being a man it is unlikley he will give into this demand unless she has the fortitude to fight him and force the issue. As you have not exposed to his wife, have not given her evidence to back up your exposure then come Monday you will have an "alcoholic " behind the bar not only waiing for her fix but susceptible to taking this underground or making plans to "separate" to give her space to think - translated to her wanting space to continue the affair without you around.

The exposure at school
The exposure to his wife
The exposure to her parents and yours
Her leaving the school and working elsewhere

are all designed to give your marriage the best chance , not doing all of these gives the affair the best chance and will cause you more stress and hurt.

Carry on with the steps of exposure keep what you are doing to yourself.

Btw: don't despondent about the love for the OM , once free of him and hit with reality she will see it for what it was , a lie. Your marriage can recover , it won't have a chance if you dilute the terms . We have seen this play out before.

Have a clear conversation with your wife about finding a job elsewhere , she will oppose it but be direct with her , she chose the affair , she chooses the marriage , her answer will be to remain at work or negotiate the time frame. That answer or any answer other than she is leaving work immediately will tell you why you have to expose , if she says she will leave she writes the letter of resignation and leaves immediately , if the school asks why she tells them the truth.

If she blames you, be a record it is her affair that caused this no one else.

A rule you must follow ; you do not negotiate with a wayward

Be firm, be resolute, be consistent with your marriage boundaries, the requirements stated are to protect your marriage against an interloper.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

Can she take a leave of absence for the rest of the year, and move to a new school without the OM or cheating friend next year?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

What Are Plan A and Plan B?


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## vickyyy

Please expose this to OM's wife she deserve to know about this


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## TheGoodFight

They work in the same school but in different parts of the building. On a professional level, they have no reason to even talk to each other. It would be at least theoretically possible (if she was willing) for her to never talk to him again. I'm leaning towards letting her finish out the semester. Asking her to go in on Monday and clean out her classroom and never go back may seem like the best solution to some, but I think that is asking for too much. 

At this point, she has written a NC letter to the OM, I have called and threatened him over the phone, she has written a letter to the "friend" telling her that she no longer wishes to be friends with her and I have read the response from the "friend" who agrees not to talk anymore. She has also agreed to leave a job she loves and put in her notice that she will not be returning after winter break. She is taking steps for me in the right direction. I know allowing her to stay for any period of time is risky even if she thinks right now that she will be faithful, but IMO there are serious risks in the other direction if I am too unreasonable in my demands.

That's just 7 weeks and it will come with conditions for verifiable behavior. Like she has to leave school every day right when school lets out and come straight home. I also still have a few tricks up my sleeve to check in on her. I also have a pretty good feeling that the OM will never want to call her again after the hurt I put on him this weekend.

I may fail at this but I am busy being a better alternative to the affair man and their relationship is now in the open and comes with a lot of baggage and risk that it didn't have before. If I fail, I will feel good about what I have tried and will cut my losses at that time.


----------



## chattycathy

Nothing you could ask would be unreasonable right now.
She was unreasonable to herself to get into the situation.

Good luck with her continuing the semester.


----------



## TheGoodFight

chattycathy said:


> Nothing you could ask would be unreasonable right now.
> She was unreasonable to herself to get into the situation.
> 
> Good luck with her continuing the semester.


I understand the argument here and we agree on the point. I am trying to consider reality as well. 

She is in fact willing to quit immediately and I had her there this morning but I realized this will add even more problems for us ever getting back together. Everything is a risk. I have weighed this one and come to a conclusion as the person closest to the situation.


----------



## the guy

TGF,
I commend you on your resolve, there are a few guys here at TAM that have this kind of commitment. Even rarer is the fact we are the few that have WW that are willing to do the heavy lifting to show remorse, and for that fact have a WW that likes giving oral.LOL

Your sitch hits close to home with regard to your unselfish commitment to keeping your family together. As me and the missus work on our marriage, our intent is not to get back to what we once had, but to have a new relationship with healthier behaviors.

IMO the strongest thing you have going for you is the fact that your WW is willing to do what it takes for you to heal, besides the fact that you both understand what went wrong in the 1st place.

We are far and few between, so keep up the good work in being confident and alpha enough to protect and save your family. You are not alone. 

There is alot of good advise on TAM and I just wanted to throw you my support in your effort in *not* taking the easy way out and throwing her to the curb, your kids future will be your reward here.
Please....I hope the both of you keep an eye on the prize here.


----------



## Eli-Zor

TheGoodFight said:


> They work in the same school but in different parts of the building. On a professional level, they have no reason to even talk to each other. It would be at least theoretically possible (if she was willing) for her to never talk to him again. I'm leaning towards letting her finish out the semester. Asking her to go in on Monday and clean out her classroom and never go back may seem like the best solution to some, but I think that is asking for too much.
> 
> At this point, she has written a NC letter to the OM, I have called and threatened him over the phone, she has written a letter to the "friend" telling her that she no longer wishes to be friends with her and I have read the response from the "friend" who agrees not to talk anymore. She has also agreed to leave a job she loves and put in her notice that she will not be returning after winter break. She is taking steps for me in the right direction. I know allowing her to stay for any period of time is risky even if she thinks right now that she will be faithful, but IMO there are serious risks in the other direction if I am too unreasonable in my demands.
> 
> That's just 7 weeks and it will come with conditions for verifiable behavior. Like she has to leave school every day right when school lets out and come straight home. I also still have a few tricks up my sleeve to check in on her. I also have a pretty good feeling that the OM will never want to call her again after the hurt I put on him this weekend.
> 
> I may fail at this but I am busy being a better alternative to the affair man and their relationship is now in the open and comes with a lot of baggage and risk that it didn't have before. If I fail, I will feel good about what I have tried and will cut my losses at that time.


You've made good progress , your one of a small number of BS who has actualy listened and followed the majority of the advice given , many others have not and went though more pain than required and often lost the chance to recover.

The next weeks are going to be challenging, your wife will be at the same school as the OM , you will be going through phases of anger , despair, depression , the hurt will suddenly hit you. Do yourself a favour and go see a doctor as soon as , explain what has happened and discuss what help he can give you, it may be an exercise regime or medication. The rollercoaster is yet to begin.

Close the final tasks , including outing the OM's wife and the friends husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem

Very impressive indeed. TheGoodFight took decisive action to kill the affair and is firm with his requirements for R with his WW. And it helps to have a WS that appears to be remorseful and not so very deeply in the fog yet. Hopefully this will be one of the success stories.

With that said, like Eli-Zor advised, the emotional roller coaster is just beginning. One day you'll love her so deeply, then the next you might trigger and feel that you don't want to see her face ever again. 

Hopefully you get to experience the Hysterical Bonding. :smthumbup:


----------



## Chaparral

TheGoodFight said:


> They work in the same school but in different parts of the building. On a professional level, they have no reason to even talk to each other. It would be at least theoretically possible (if she was willing) for her to never talk to him again. I'm leaning towards letting her finish out the semester. Asking her to go in on Monday and clean out her classroom and never go back may seem like the best solution to some, but I think that is asking for too much.
> 
> At this point, she has written a NC letter to the OM, I have called and threatened him over the phone, she has written a letter to the "friend" telling her that she no longer wishes to be friends with her and I have read the response from the "friend" who agrees not to talk anymore. She has also agreed to leave a job she loves and put in her notice that she will not be returning after winter break. She is taking steps for me in the right direction. I know allowing her to stay for any period of time is risky even if she thinks right now that she will be faithful, but IMO there are serious risks in the other direction if I am too unreasonable in my demands.
> 
> That's just 7 weeks and it will come with conditions for verifiable behavior. Like she has to leave school every day right when school lets out and come straight home. I also still have a few tricks up my sleeve to check in on her. I also have a pretty good feeling that the OM will never want to call her again after the hurt I put on him this weekend.
> 
> I may fail at this but I am busy being a better alternative to the affair man and their relationship is now in the open and comes with a lot of baggage and risk that it didn't have before. If I fail, I will feel good about what I have tried and will cut my losses at that time.


:iagree::smthumbup::iagree::smthumbup:


----------



## TheGoodFight

Just some additional info on my progress. I have the paternity test kit in my hands. I'll be collecting samples shortly and mailing them off. BTW this can be done for less that $100 US. 

She went in Monday first thing and put a note in the OM's mailbox warning him that the NC letter was coming. She thinks this is how his wife will find out. At least she told me the truth about it and I have been able to verify myself that this is in fact the truth. The OM has not contacted her since I called him last Monday either. This I have been able to confirm. (I'll reveal my snooping methods after this is all over to help other people. You can know to some degree what your WW is doing at work)

Her primary concern now is that the OMW will find out and his W will leave him. It seems that she has moved on from any hope of continuing the affair and is now trying to prevent damage to his marriage. She is doing this because she believes the entire thing is her fault because she was the one that got caught. She told me last night that he would have never gotten caught and it was all her fault.

Unfortunately I know she hasn't arrived at a place where she needs to be yet for us to R. I also know that this won't happen until she leaves the school for good. So the advice for her to leave her job was right on target.

For one thing, she is still friends with the "friend". For another, she still refers to it as "just some BJs". For example, last night while she was telling me about her fear the the OMs wife was going to find out, she said "His wife is going to leave him and it's going to be all my fault. It was just for some stupid BJs". She also told me that she was sorry that she hurt me and she never meant for me to find out. This lets me know that she still thinks everything would have been ok had I never found out. And this is why she still lies to me about things that she thinks will hurt me. She still seems to think it is ok to lie if I won't like the truth but she is at least starting to tell me sometimes anyway. 

All of this proves that it is essential that she quit. I know that no matter what promises she makes to me about ending her friendship with the friend she won't be able to resist until they are separated. The addiction to that EA is too strong. The PA with the OM is probably over now but I expect that they will talk about how to deal with keeping it a secret from his wife which will of course violate the NC agreement. I haven't let on that I'll be exposing that anyway.

Oh and just an interesting tidbit about the "friend". Turns out she is not the only one having an affair. The "friend" hired a PI to follow her husband on a sudden "business trip" and discovered that he is having an affair with his secretary. How ironic.

It is very painful for me to stick it out but I have been doing a lot of reading and that at least helps me understand what is happening and what to expect. It's going to be 7 long weeks and some period of time after that for her to make it through withdrawal before we can begin to recover. It will be hard but I think I can make it till December. After that I will find out for sure if this is going to work or not. I'll consider myself in Plan A until then.


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## Eli-Zor

If she is worried about her FB ( work out what this means) then she is not remorseful for what she has done , the OM should never have been given a warning of the NC letter. Your wife is actively working to protect this guy . I suggest you get this straight with her , any show of loyalty to the OM is her saying she does not want the marriage. 


As for the friend , still expose I think there are a host of lies going on and a lot of covering up . Exposé to her husband and your wife's school. Do you know who the friend was having an affair with as that persons wife deserves to know as well.

Have you worked out how to expose to his wife? You need to close this down soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

If they are just bjs. Tell her to call the friend and have the frend drop by every day after work and just give you one since they mean so little.

Yep, she is very deep In denial.

Well that friendship has to end. I mean what with the friends refusal to pop by after work and have meaningless sex with you 

You should still blow this up for both the cheating friend and OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheGoodFight

Eli-Zor said:


> If she is worried about her FB ( work out what this means) then she is not remorseful for what she has done , the OM should never have been given a warning of the NC letter. Your wife is actively working to protect this guy . I suggest you get this straight with her , any show of loyalty to the OM is her saying she does not want the marriage.
> 
> 
> As for the friend , still expose I think there are a host of lies going on and a lot of covering up . Exposé to her husband and your wife's school. Do you know who the friend was having an affair with as that persons wife deserves to know as well.
> 
> Have you worked out how to expose to his wife? You need to close this down soon.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know that she is not remorseful yet. I've also accepted that that won't come until she has left the workplace (if ever).

I think the best way to expose to the OMW is going to be to drop by there during the day. I'll have to arrange a long lunch break from my work or take a day off. I'd idealy like to do it without anyone knowing it was me who exposed it, but all of the evidence I have will reveal the source. 

The guy that the friend is having an affair with is recently divorced so no W to tell there. He is a teacher at the school though so I can still go the work exposure route.


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## TheGoodFight

SadSamIAm said:


> Her attitude in regards to 'just a bj' and what you don't know doesn't hurt you speaks to her character. It shows that in the future, should some guy want a 'quickie' in a bathroom somewhere, she would have no problem. If the guys wife doesn't know and you don't know, then nobody is hurt. All just fun!!!
> 
> I am curious if she would feel the same way if you were the one having an affair. Based on her character, she might not care.
> 
> I just don't think she could ever be marriage material unless she can find someone that is OK with an open marriage.


Her is where I believe our marriage went wrong:

My wife has never been one to want much sex. EVER. I mean even back when we were dating she just wasn't in to it much. And it wasn't me either. She just honest to goodness wasn't intertested in sex with ANYBODY. This has always been a problem for us but we had so much that was great, that it made that part of it seem like less of a problem. It was probably the only thing we ever fought about.

This last time when she became pregnant, something in her hormones changed. Suddenly she changed from being not interested to being horny a lot. Unfortunately, by the time that happend in our relationship, she had already developed this emotional relationship with the OM. And as you probably know, a woman is sexually attracted to a man much less based on physical things as she is based on emotional attachment. This guy was in the right place to be her object of desire. 

She chose to cheat and that was wrong no matter what, but I believe this is an objective view of how it happened. To fix this, it will require that she first get over him and then we will both need to make a effort to build up our own emotional bond again. I think I know how to fix this marriage and make it affair proof in the future because I have a good handle on what went wrong in the first place. I just need a chance to work on it.


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## Entropy3000

Given this information you are right to test paternity as painful as that is.


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## aug

I like the idea of her friend coming over for the bj. Do a comparision test. 

Ask her if it's just bjs then will it be okay for you to go around getting bjs from, say, professionals.


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## Eli-Zor

You should not fear revealing who you are when you expose to the OM's wife. I can assure your wife and OM will find a way to talk and plot. You have a plan from us that works and causing him to have consequences and fear being in contact with your wife is part of that plan. 

As the toxic friends OM is divorced still expose to his ex wife , the affair may have been the reason for the break up of their marriage . Furthermore do you plan to expose this at the school ? Is your wife aware of the paternity test ? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheGoodFight

Eli-Zor said:


> You should not fear revealing who you are when you expose to the OM's wife. I can assure your wife and OM will find a way to talk and plot. You have a plan from us that works and causing him to have consequences and fear being in contact with your wife is part of that plan.
> 
> As the toxic friends OM is divorced still expose to his ex wife , the affair may have been the reason for the break up of their marriage . Furthermore do you plan to expose this at the school ? Is your wife aware of the paternity test ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok I will work the plan.

I really have no way of contacting the friend's OM's ex right now. I don't even know her name or if she even lives in the area. I think they were recently divorced though. I may be able to find this out through conversation with my wife. I'll work on it. 

I don't plan to expose at school yet. I will hold that one back for now. I want to do a few more days of snooping first to see what direction this is going in.

My wife is not aware of the paternity test. Do you think I should tell her?


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## TheGoodFight

aug said:


> I like the idea of her friend coming over for the bj. Do a comparision test.
> 
> Ask her if it's just bjs then will it be okay for you to go around getting bjs from, say, professionals.


Unfortunately her friend is not someone I would even want a BJ from. My wife always picks friends with a few more pounds than I consider healthy.

I'll suggest it anyway.


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## Shaggy

Do not tell her of the test yet. Always play your cards close to the chest, and only act on knowledge after you have a plan. Oh, and never reveal sources union you have too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor

TheGoodFight said:


> Ok I will work the plan.
> 
> I don't plan to expose at school yet. I will hold that one back for now. I want to do a few more days of snooping first to see what direction this is going in.
> 
> My wife is not aware of the paternity test. Do you think I should tell her?


I would normally suggest you tell your wife about the paternity test , you have to do the test as you have no way of verifying who the father is . The snooping and exposure to the OM's wife are not shared with your wife , being honest about the paternity test tells her you are verifying her words. If she makes negative comments your answer is I would never believe you would have an affair. Even if the result confirms you as the father do not doubt this is the correct course of action.

You should decide if you wish to tell her , do what is best for you , there is no harm done if you say nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheGoodFight

What about after I expose to the OMW? Should I tell my wife what I've done or let her find out on her own?


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## Shaggy

It would telling if she finds out and how she both lets you know she knows and how she reacts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

TheGoodFight said:


> What about after I expose to the OMW? Should I tell my wife what I've done or let her find out on her own?


I would tell her afterwards, her reaction will be interesting to see if she is willing to do the heavy lifting


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## Jellybeans

I wouldn't mention it to her. You WILL undoubtedly find out in time when she hears about it that the affair has been exposed. Sit and wait...


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## Eli-Zor

Never reveal to your wife you exposed , you wait and observe. If she finds out smile and offer her a cookie , you are protecting your marriage .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheGoodFight

Ok, one final concern. Part of the process when you have a baby at the hospital is that they test you for depression. My wife was a serious red flag for them. This is probably because she was depressed about the affair and her perceived bad marriage. She even indicated that she had thought of killing herself before. 

Last night, she was telling me that if his wife found out she believed that she was the one that ruined his life. She really doesn't see that he made a bad choice just as she did. She will blame herself for him losing his family. Should I really be worried that she might be suicidal? If so, what precautions should I take if any? I don't want to throw any red flags out there but it has crossed my mind that she might not be able to handle the stress.


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## Arnold

If she threatens suicide, call 911 and have her committed. That, usually, takes the starch out of any attention grabbing. And, it is the right thing to do if she really needs help.
First mention of the intention and you make the call to the cops.


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## Almostrecovered

except the cops won't commit her based on hearsay alone


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## Halien

TheGoodFight said:


> Ok, one final concern. Part of the process when you have a baby at the hospital is that they test you for depression. My wife was a serious red flag for them. This is probably because she was depressed about the affair and her perceived bad marriage. She even indicated that she had thought of killing herself before.
> 
> Last night, she was telling me that if his wife found out she believed that she was the one that ruined his life. She really doesn't see that he made a bad choice just as she did. She will blame herself for him losing his family. Should I really be worried that she might be suicidal? If so, what precautions should I take if any? I don't want to throw any red flags out there but it has crossed my mind that she might not be able to handle the stress.


Just curious, but I'm wondering if you are seeing the irony in this? It only seems that she is possibly leading you emotionally more than you realize.

When she refers to her actions, she said that it was just some BJs. No big deal. Now I'm wondering if she is just trying to lead you with her comments, because when she talks about her actions hurting the other man, she is suggesting that she could not live with the hurt that this would do to him.


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## Arnold

Nice catch, above. If the BJs were harmless, how could he and his family be harmed. Very good catch.


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## Eli-Zor

Your analysing to much , looking for what ifs, deal with the here and now. She is using words to dissuade you from contacting the OM 's wife , ignore her diversionary words . The more you tell us the more I think she is trying to hide something . Have that conversation with the OM's wife , over time and if you compare notes more will be revealed.

Stay on course and stick to the plan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

gee a wayward saying contradictory things?

shocking


just expose already


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## TheGoodFight

Halien said:


> Just curious, but I'm wondering if you are seeing the irony in this? It only seems that she is possibly leading you emotionally more than you realize.
> 
> When she refers to her actions, she said that it was just some BJs. No big deal. Now I'm wondering if she is just trying to lead you with her comments, because when she talks about her actions hurting the other man, she is suggesting that she could not live with the hurt that this would do to him.


Good point. Of course that hurts to hear.


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## Halien

TheGoodFight said:


> Good point. Of course that hurts to hear.


Sorry, my intention wasn't to hurt you. Only to point out a lesson that I'm learning in general: Sometimes, at the lowest times, a spouse's conscience also includes a thermometer. It measures just how much you will take before setting its boundaries. I don't mean this harshly. Only suggesting that she is sensing that this situation is workable to you. Maybe she's focused on managing the situation instead of just showing true remorse.


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## Chaparral

I thought Goodfight was holding exposure over the other mans head in order to make sure he stayed away from his wife.

Anyone think this could backfire or should be delayed awhile while Goodfight verifies what wife is doing?

Also suspect "friend" hiring PI is a red herring to keep GF from exposing her to her husband if he got this info from his wife.


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## TheGoodFight

chapparal said:


> I thought Goodfight was holding exposure over the other mans head in order to make sure he stayed away from his wife.


That was my original plan and as far as I can verify it has been working for almost two weeks now. I've been able to snoop some conversations she has had with the "friend" and the OM hasn't even come to her to talk about the warning note she left for him.



chapparal said:


> Anyone think this could backfire or should be delayed awhile while Goodfight verifies what wife is doing?


This is what I am most worried about. The purpose of exposure as I understand it is to end the affair. As of now it HAS ended and my intel says that the OM is scared ****less at this point in time. He would have to really be a glutten for punishment if he continues it.



chapparal said:


> Also suspect "friend" hiring PI is a red herring to keep GF from exposing her to her husband if he got this info from his wife.


I suspect this might be the case as well but then again I'm suspious about everything these days. Although her husband IS out of town during the week quite a bit. Like one or two days. And he does have a hot secretary. In any event, the "friendship" with the friend has not ended so exposure is happening there as a next step.


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## Eli-Zor

Expose to the OM's wife please don't try kid yourself this is over and he is scared , read the postings for BS who did not expose , the affair went so deep underground they were not even aware they were in a false recovery .

Plus he may be forced to leave his job , that gives you more latitude with your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustaJerk

> Her primary concern now is that the OMW will find out and his W will leave him. It seems that she has moved on from any hope of continuing the affair and is now trying to prevent damage to his marriage. She is doing this because she believes the entire thing is her fault because she was the one that got caught. She told me last night that he would have never gotten caught and it was all her fault.


Sounds to me like she's more worried about protecting _his_ marriage, than saving her own. This would piss me off to no end. She's truely still emotionally tied to this guy. She definetly needs to look for another job.

As to the exposure thing, even if the affair has ended, his wife deserves to know the truth about who she's married to. You're being pretty selfish in keepng this vital information to yourself. Furthermore, I feel it is your duty as a parent and a member of the communtiy to expose EVERYONE involved within the school of the atrocious behavior these _so-called _"educators" are exhibiting. Our tax dollars are supporting these illicit affairs- NOT COOL!


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## Chaparral

I would like to point out that if he exposes afte rhe told OM he would hold back if he stayed away from his wife he would be going back on his word. That means a lot to some people.


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## JustaJerk

He doesn't owe anything to this guy. I guess you're cool with OM's wife staying within the confines of her oblivion, then.


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## Chaparral

JustaJerk said:


> He doesn't owe anything to this guy. I guess you're cool with OM's wife staying within the confines of her oblivion, then.


Did your screen name used to be Arnold? This sounds like something an attorney would say. Just saying.


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## JustaJerk

Umm... no. Why? You think I'm this guy Arnold, or something?

Is my vernacular "too much" for you? I can dumb it down a bit.

Anyway, this guy violated the sanctity of your marriage... why you would promise to keep his cheating ways a secret is beyond me. 

Here you go *chapparal*: Dude, you really need to tell _his_ wife he's been getting BJ's from _your_ wife- He's no good. 

*Comprende* now?


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## JustaJerk

> Did your screen name used to be Arnold? This sounds like something an attorney would say. Just saying.


Oh... I see. Are you trying to get me banned by accusing me of being this guy Arnold, who _is_ banned. How low can you go? Just because you don't agree with what I'm saying, doesn't mean you should resort to these low-level tactics.


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## Chaparral

JustaJerk said:


> Oh... I see. Are you trying to get me banned by accusing me of being this guy Arnold, who _is_ banned. How low can you go? Just because you don't agree with what I'm saying, doesn't mean you should resort to these low-level tactics.


I see how you got your screen name. :rofl::rofl::rofl:

I apologize for the thread jack.


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## JustaJerk

> I see how you got your screen name.


Funny. You didn't think I was playin' when I came up with it... did ya? I _can_ be a jerk at times... well, most of the time. I just _call em how a see em_.

Look chapparal... no hard feelings. You sound pretty cool, and I get we're not gonna see eye to eye at times, but that's a good thing.


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## MrK

Just a couple of quick points.

1 - The "it's just a b-j thing". When given the option of visualizing where I want a strange man's erect penis to be in my wife, visualizing her savoring it in her mouth is not at the top of the list. "it's just a b-j" doesn't help. Make her stop saying it. It's degrading.

2 - No more GNO's. She's married.


----------



## Chaparral

MrK said:


> Just a couple of quick points.
> 
> 1 - The "it's just a b-j thing". When given the option of visualizing where I want a strange man's erect penis to be in my wife, visualizing her savoring it in her mouth is not at the top of the list. "it's just a b-j" doesn't help. Make her stop saying it. It's degrading.
> 
> 2 - No more GNO's. She's married.


I may be getting this wrong but it seems to be cruel to the fellow looking for help and support.


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## JustaJerk

> The "it's just a b-j thing". When given the option of visualizing where I want a strange man's erect penis to be in my wife, visualizing her savoring it in her mouth is not at the top of the list. "it's just a b-j" doesn't help. Make her stop saying it. It's degrading.


Yeah. IDK if the ladies see it this way, but us guys think- "How can you kiss me, or my kids for that matter while you had this guy's c*ck in your mouth?" I guess what I'm saying is... only _my_ c*ck is supposed to go there.:smthumbup:

Furthermore... imagine if she was not into BJ's with you(husband), but found out she was giving them to OM. I'd be pissed to no end.


----------



## golfergirl

JustaJerk said:


> Yeah. IDK if the ladies see it this way, but us guys think- "How can you kiss me, or my kids for that matter while you had this guy's c*ck in your mouth?" I guess what I'm saying is... only my c*ck is supposed to go there.:smthumbup:
> 
> Furthermore... imagine if she was not into BJ's with you(husband), but found out she was giving them to OM. I'd be pissed to no end.


As a woman, I find a bj as personal, if not more so than traditional intercourse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

golfergirl said:


> As a woman, I find a bj as personal, if not more so than traditional intercourse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's pretty much a wash.


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## JustaJerk

> As a woman, I find a bj as personal, if not more so than traditional intercourse.


I can see that. For me, kissing is a very intimate thing(I consider myself to be a great kisser... so I've been told), so its hard to get over if another man's "member" has been smearing her lipstick... if you know what I mean.

Its not like we make-out with our spouse's privates in public. Our lips start things off, _then_ its time to go down south. Wouldn't you agree?

I just had a mental image of people going down on their spouses in public, instead of a big wet one on the kisser.:rofl:


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## sadcalifornian

Keep them coming, guys. I am getting erection just listening to you guys.


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## MrK

chapparal said:


> I may be getting this wrong but it seems to be cruel to the fellow looking for help and support.


You are getting this wrong. She needs to stop talking about having another mans penis in her mouth. She obviously thinks it's not as bad as it is. She needs to know. He needs to tell her. I would have stopped that talk IMMEDIATELY. 

And the GNO's still have to go.


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## TheGoodFight

I realize this is a public forum and people are welcome to comment but this is also supposed to be a safe place for a BS to come for support. Sometimes people need to man up and start getting mad about the situation in order to push them into taking action, so it can be a good thing for people to comment on how bad a situation is, but I am well beyond that point.

Continuing to tell me how bad what she did was is not helping at this point and only serves to rub it in my face. I think about this stuff enough every day as it is.

I've made the decision to try to work things out for the sake of my family because that is something I want. Some people can't bring themselves to do that, others can, and still others are not sure if they can but are willing to try. I am in the third category right now.


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## MrK

Sorry if my comment hurt you. It was truly not my intent.


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## Almostrecovered

TheGoodFight said:


> I realize this is a public forum and people are welcome to comment but this is also supposed to be a safe place for a BS to come for support. Sometimes people need to man up and start getting mad about the situation in order to push them into taking action, so it can be a good thing for people to comment on how bad a situation is, but I am well beyond that point.
> 
> Continuing to tell me how bad what she did was is not helping at this point and only serves to rub it in my face. I think about this stuff enough every day as it is.
> 
> I've made the decision to try to work things out for the sake of my family because that is something I want. Some people can't bring themselves to do that, others can, and still others are not sure if they can but are willing to try. I am in the third category right now.



I agree with you, but do know the majority of posters don't want to see you in false R and wish to point out certain things to help prevent that or help you see certain things


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## TheGoodFight

Almostrecovered said:


> I agree with you, but do know the majority of posters don't want to see you in false R and wish to point out certain things to help prevent that or help you see certain things


And those posters are appreciated. I've received a lot of help here and would have probably made more mistakes had I not taken some of that advice.

As of now, she has cut of relations with him. My certainty of that is close to 100% now after some recent intel. Now I'm in a period of time where she thinks she loves him but is willing to stay away from him and try to work on things at home. 

I have no illusions that we will have true R any time soon. It will be a long painful process of waiting for her to get over this relationship that she got herself into and even longer after that to see if we can have something together again.

It sucks, but it is what it is.


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## Almostrecovered

it certainly does suck 

hope for the best but prepare for the worst


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## ArmyofJuan

TheGoodFight said:


> For one thing, she is still friends with the "friend". For another, she still refers to it as "just some BJs". For example, last night while she was telling me about her fear the the OMs wife was going to find out, she said "His wife is going to leave him and it's going to be all my fault. It was just for some stupid BJs".


You know if this ever came up again, I'd ask her WHY was she giving him BJs? What did she get out of it if they were so stupid?

She was doing it because she was trying to win his affection because she fell in "love" with him but I'd be curious if she would admit to that.

If my wife had said that I'd be tempted to slap her across the face. I wouldn't, but I probably tell her I was thinking about it.

Sorry, the fact she was trying to minimize it by hiding the fact it was more to her than "stupid BJs" just irks me.


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## TheGoodFight

ArmyofJuan said:


> You know if this ever came up again, I'd ask her WHY was she giving him BJs? What did she get out of it if they were so stupid?
> 
> She was doing it because she was trying to win his affection because she fell in "love" with him but I'd be curious if she would admit to that.


Yes she has admitted this. She thought if she did it good enough he would want her as more than a hookup. Then she said she was so stupid.

I probably rubbed it in when I reminded her she was just a mouth to cum in as far as he was concerned.

I don't think she is really "in love" with him as far as a deep close connection. I think she is just instantly highly attracted to him and since she has never experienced this before she has it confused with love. Imagine being 30-something years old and never having had the experience of instant sexual attraction to someone. Just my theory.

Unfortunately, understanding it doesn't make it feel any better.


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## Sindo

TheGoodFight said:


> I realize this is a public forum and people are welcome to comment but this is also supposed to be a safe place for a BS to come for support. Sometimes people need to man up and start getting mad about the situation in order to push them into taking action, so it can be a good thing for people to comment on how bad a situation is, but I am well beyond that point.
> 
> Continuing to tell me how bad what she did was is not helping at this point and only serves to rub it in my face. I think about this stuff enough every day as it is.
> 
> I've made the decision to try to work things out for the sake of my family because that is something I want. Some people can't bring themselves to do that, others can, and still others are not sure if they can but are willing to try. I am in the third category right now.


To be fair, it looks like it's only 1 user trying to rub it in your face, who resurrected a dead thread. As you've indicated in your later threads, the situation has since changed. Don't let these comments get to you.


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## TheGoodFight

Sindo said:


> To be fair, it looks like it's only 1 user trying to rub it in your face, who resurrected a dead thread. As you've indicated in your later threads, the situation has since changed. Don't let these comments get to you.


You're right. Most people here have good intentions. My comments were mostly directed at someone who was just a jerk. I just wanted to stop it as some others had come in as well and probably were reading things for the first time.


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## TheGoodFight

RWB said:


> My wife is a school teacher too. Her first affair was with her principle of that school. Her best friend at the time, another educator, had previously had an affair with the same man.
> 
> Dirty little secret... After I found out about what was going on, I was shocked to learn the number of married female teachers in the school system were involved in affairs with other teachers or administrators. 4 out of 5 of the 1st grade teachers at my wife's school admitted to her about having affairs.


Yea I'm not sure what it is about that environment. Maybe it's all the kids and the adults need someone to talk to. Or maybe it's just the informality of the work environment. Or maybe it's all the adolescent hormones flying around all over the place. I don't know. But I do know that all of this didn't start or end with just two teachers doing the wrong thing. It seems like it is going on all over the school.


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## JustaJerk

> To be fair, it looks like it's only 1 user trying to rub it in your face, who resurrected a dead thread.


I guess you're referring to me. I haven't made one disparaging remark that could be taken as "rubbing it in his face." All I said was- *EXPOSE* this to their superiors... that's all. They shouldn't be able to get away with covering it up. Again, he said the vice-principal knew and even _suggested_ a way to cover her tracks- WTF?!?!?!



> But I do know that all of this didn't start or end with just two teachers doing the wrong thing. *It seems like it is going on all over the school*.


This behavior needs to be stopped.

Remember... this is happening at the expense of community tax dollars.


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