# What is Going On?



## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Though I've been keeping up with posts and gleaning their wisdom and advice, it has been a while since I posted my own thread. A situation has occurred recently that has my head spinning and I could really use some outside input.

After a year of going through a heartbreaking and drama-filled separation, I'm finally beginning to feel somewhat at peace. I have made strides in my personal growth and development, all hard fought. While I do still have my moments of anger and despair, I can see that I am a long way from the crumbling mess I was a year ago. Or even a month ago, as I feel as if I have recently turned a corner. Shaky, but on my way. 

Just as all this is happening, who should come poking around again and throwing a wrench in things? Yep, my STBXH. Just as many on this forum have predicted before, once a loyal spouse stops focusing on their wayward spouse, he/she will start sniffing around again.

Apparently, my STBXH is having some new problems. He is broke and unable to find a job (don't worry- not enabling him with money). His relationship with the OW is hitting some snags and not as rosy as once thought. He feels as if he has made a mess of his life and has created destruction for himself and those around him with every choice he has made. This whole thing; the distress he was in before he left me, the separation, his suicide attempts/ scares, the complete life changes he's undertaken- all of it has been so out of character from the man I knew for fifteen years. Something big is happening with him (and he's only 38 years old, so it can't be a MLC) and I can't claim to understand it. 

He came by the other night and told me that he thinks he and OW are over (heard that one before as they have had a tumultuous on/off again relationship, all instigated by OW). He felt it was just getting too hard. He then expressed that it was never that hard with me and he realized my goodness and kindness and how he took me for granted. He misses me. 

During all this, he is receiving _and_ sending text messages to the OW. Due to curiosity and perhaps unwisely, I asked him if they got into fight and that was why he decided to come see me (as this was his pattern in the past). He claimed that no, there was no fight, he just wanted to see me. Around this time, the OW gives up texting and calls him on the phone. He steps outside to take it and upon his return tells me that she is afraid alone in the house and wants him to return (apparently, she is quite paranoid and always fears the worst). Feeling responsible for her (isn't that interesting- he feels responsible for _her_), he decides to return "home". He leaves asking if he can see me again. 

I know he still has deep feelings for her and I have no illusion that he will come running back to me. This is why his behavior is so confusing. Not long ago, he made it very clear that he is not interested in being with me any longer. All though he cared for me, he wanted a new life. Is he simply feeling vulnerable now and looking for comfort and familiarity? Is he testing the waters and looking for verification that I still want him in case things don't work out with OW? What could possibly be going on? I feel it should be obvious to me, but being in the thick of it, I find myself unable to make sense of his behavior and my feelings about it. 

Because I am feeling a little stronger now and have worked so hard to get to a better state of mind, I do not want to fall victim to his manipulations again. His visit the other night has caught me off guard and I am unable to process what it all means. Even if he did renounce his feelings for her and ask for me back, I don't believe I would. However, I am not so entirely sure of my conviction. My head says one thing, my heart another. After every thing he has put me through, you'd think I would be wiser for it but there it is- I still love and care for him. I am so confused!

He sent me a text yesterday saying that I looked good, and sound better, more upbeat & confident than he's heard in a long time. Is he in regret? Do you think he's realized the mistake he made giving up such a wonderful, loving, supportive wife and friend? Or is he fishing for something else?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Don't walk...run away from this guy. He's trying to weasel back in...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bronte,

Do not indulge this for a minute.

IF you are to see him to discuss any sort of future EVER again... posOW has GOT TO GO.

Him texting and taking calls from her while with you is completely disrespectful and unacceptable.

Just say NO to posOW.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Never go back to him. Don't let him in your life again. He will sabotage your progress.

He is in no way, shape or form proving to be a good man. He sounds disrespectful and insensitive. Let him have his OW...and move on with your life.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bronte,

*Around this time, the OW gives up texting and calls him on the phone. He steps outside to take it and upon his return tells me that she is afraid alone in the house and wants him to return (apparently, she is quite paranoid and always fears the worst)*

Sounds like he may be doubting the wisdom of a future filled with this type of drama 24/7


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

People like to have backup plans. We're all guilty of misguiding others to a certain degree at times to keep them emotionally/physically within reach in case our own endeavors fail.

You are your STBXH's backup. He feels the need to know that in case he ends up feeling lonely, you're there to be used as temporary relief.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

I have to agree you are his plan B.

Don't fool yourself. Don't consume his crumbs of love.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks to all. You are exactly right! I have been having difficulty admitting it to myself though, so it is something I need to hear and be reminded of. It's been so hard mourning the man he _was_ and coming to terms with the man is _now_. Why do I keep expecting things to be different? This whole thing has put me in a tailspin and I'm back to feeling worthless and unlovable. It's going to take more doing to get back to a good place. Since that last text on Monday, I haven't heard from him. So much for wanting to see me. I guess he got over what ever was troubling him.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

posOW is minding her manners.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

That's what I was thinking. How long will that last until I get another knock on my door...?


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Why does it always happen like this, the moment the loyal spouse has truly moved on from the cheating spouse, the cheater comes knocking??


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## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

It sounds basically as if nothing has changed with this man. 

If you still have strong feelings for him DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK unless he commits to a set amount of counseling or psychological treatment (mulitple months). Do not make the mistake that I made which is to believe that somehow he has seen the light and will change. 

He will not and he will only do the same thing to you again.

Let me reiterate, NOTHING HAS CHANGED with him. HE's still the SAME person only now he knows (if you reconcile) that he owns you.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Got a text from him tonight around 10:00. 

_I got a job in (insert major city nearby). Thought you'd want to know. It starts next Wednesday._

I don't hear from him in days after his plea to see me again, and I get this? And late in the evening on a Friday? I'm confused. You're right. Nothing has changed. Nothing will change. Should I even try to make sense of it? 

I do still have strong feelings for him which is why this is all so difficult and heartbreaking. I wish I didn't. I wish I could shut it off. He has no intention to reconcile. He just keeps me hanging on. I know he is going through some kind of personal crisis, but what game is he playing? Does he not see or even care for the pain he's causing?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

He doesn't see yet.

He hasn't hit bottom.

Stay dark and let him.

It's coming.

Trust me on this.

Think hard about what you want to do when he does.


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

BronteVillette said:


> Got a text from him tonight around 10:00.
> 
> _I got a job in (insert major city nearby). Thought you'd want to know. It starts next Wednesday._
> 
> ...


My STBXH does this too. I know that the best thing to do is just not respond at all. Make it clear that you are not and cannot be a plan B. Either he'll wise up and do the things that he needs to do in order to make you plan A again, or he'll eventually just leave you alone. Either way, you will get stronger as time goes by. 

But I know, when it's happening to you, it's just so hard to put the phone down and disengage completely. 

Hang in there!


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks. You guys are my rock. 

I can't imagine what bottom is going to be like. Very frightening! In absence of STBXH it is easier to be strong, but I am determined to keep this plan. If he calls looking for comfort again, I will be courteous, but withdrawn (wow, that's going to be hard) and remove myself from the situation as soon as possible. Should he come crawling back again wanting to be with me (fat chance, really, as I see it), I will demand no more contact with OW and a long trial where he must prove himself to me. Even then, there will be no guarantees. Sound good?

Honestly, the advice to just completely cut him out of my life is probably the best, but I am not sure if I am _willing_ to do that yet. Perhaps I am a glutton for punishment (good-girl syndrome) and still harbor the fear of the unknown. Going to new therapist on Tuesday for second time. This will be something good to bring up.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Much love Bronte... sorry your STBXH is acting like a wayward douch*ebag.

We will find our sexy soul mates, my friend...


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks, Soul. You're the best!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Easy with you, too difficult with her. Maybe she put her foot down. Sounds like you have learned to as well! A relationship isn't automatically supposed to be easy, or a guaranteed thing. That's an assumption people make, that a relationship that is easy is a good one. Sounds like you gave him more than the benefit of the doubt in the past, you should have told him, "well, easy is in the past, no doubt you would now find a relationship with me difficult as well, and I know I would with you, so perhaps you should stick with your current difficulties, Dear, especially since they keep calling you."


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BronteVillette said:


> Thanks. You guys are my rock.
> 
> I can't imagine what bottom is going to be like. Very frightening! In absence of STBXH it is easier to be strong, but I am determined to keep this plan. If he calls looking for comfort again, I will be courteous, but withdrawn (wow, that's going to be hard) and remove myself from the situation as soon as possible. Should he come crawling back again wanting to be with me (fat chance, really, as I see it), I will demand no more contact with OW and a long trial where he must prove himself to me. Even then, there will be no guarantees. Sound good?
> 
> Honestly, the advice to just completely cut him out of my life is probably the best, but I am not sure if I am _willing_ to do that yet. Perhaps I am a glutton for punishment (good-girl syndrome) and still harbor the fear of the unknown. Going to new therapist on Tuesday for second time. This will be something good to bring up.


You do not have to cut him out of your life.

BUT.. you have one condition for listening to him.

NO posOW.

Not even a consideration.

No friggin' way.

No posOW.... not today, not tomorrow, not EVER.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bronte,

You are "no one's" Plan B.

Live it.


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks, Conrad. Again, you are spot on! Your words always give me such courage.  Your last post is going on my bathroom mirror so I can see it everyday!


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## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Things must not be going well with posOW. I got another text tonight:

_I miss you._

It was difficult, but I didn't respond. I have never not responded to one of his calls or texts. A little while later, another text:

_Hope you are doing ok._ 

Again, no response. What's he doing? Putting out feelers to see if he still has a hold on me? Is he waiting for me to crumble at his feet and comfort him as I have so many times in the past? I keep repeating to myself, "You are no one's Plan B! You deserve better!". Yet, my heart is in my stomach. I wanted so much for him to reach out to me over the course of this past year- to show that he still cared and wanted me. I've been emotionally beaten and battered during this process. I can't trust him anymore. None of it's genuine, is it? 

Curious, though. He told me that continuing to talk to me hurts posOW, so when he did it was during the day when she was at work (dishonest with her, too). Now, he's coming over and texting me in the evening? 

I'm a wreck. What's that line from The Godfather? Just when you think you're out, they pull you back in.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BronteVillette said:


> Again, no response. What's he doing? Putting out feelers to see if he still has a hold on me? Is he waiting for me to crumble at his feet and comfort him as I have so many times in the past?
> Curious, though. He told me that continuing to talk to me hurts posOW, so when he did it was during the day when she was at work (dishonest with her, too). Now, he's coming over and texting me in the evening?
> 
> I'm a wreck. What's that line from The Godfather? Just when you think you're out, they pull you back in.


In your gut, you know exactly what is going on.

posOW is..well... she's a pos!

Don't indulge this.

If he gets desperate enough to ask "the" question, here's what you say.

"I'm not ok being friendly with you while you sleep with another woman"

And then go stone cold silent.

Bronte,

You do realize a decision point is coming - for you.

Should you ask that question, what will your response be if he says he will end it with her?


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

Way to stay strong! It must have been so hard not to respond. Keep it up!


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