# I want him back! Please help!



## karmac (Mar 3, 2015)

I've been with my husband for 10yrs, 4 married. We have 2 dogs and no kids. I was being told our relationship was over all of a sudden 3 months ago. And we've been separated for 2 months. I made mistakes like begging, promising, yelling etc. I moved to my parents while he and the dogs stay. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, cried a lot no matter where am I. I feel devastated. I couldn't accept the painful reality. I know I am fooling myself. I just couldn't move on. I couldn't live without him. We went to counselling before but had stopped now. His goal was to have the counsellor to persuade me to agree with divorce. We talked about our issues 3 times within the 2 months. The conclusions were same, that he was not in love with me anymore and that he won't be happy with me. I terribly miss my dogs, my home and our relationship. I am determined to have him back! What should I do? Please help.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

karmac said:


> I've been with my husband for 10yrs, 4 married. We have 2 dogs and no kids. I was being told our relationship was over all of a sudden 3 months ago. And we've been separated for 2 months. I made mistakes like begging, promising, yelling etc. I moved to my parents while he and the dogs stay. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, cried a lot no matter where am I. I feel devastated. I couldn't accept the painful reality. I know I am fooling myself. I just couldn't move on. I couldn't live without him. We went to counselling before but had stopped now. His goal was to have the counsellor to persuade me to agree with divorce. We talked about our issues 3 times within the 2 months. The conclusions were same, that he was not in love with me anymore and that he won't be happy with me. I terribly miss my dogs, my home and our relationship. I am determined to have him back! What should I do? Please help.


karmac, first rule: don't panic. Okay, maybe not panicking is not realistic, but whatever you do, don't not act from your panic in how you react toward you husband.

Yes, you probably have encountered your worst fear. I was in your place five years ago, with my wife dropping the bomb that she wanted a divorce...I freaked out and begged and bargained...but all of my promises and my willingness to change and "try harder" was pretty much frowned upon. 

And if your situation was anything like mine, all you probably got was: "I love you, but not _in_ love with you."

But before we get into do's and don't's we need to know your husband's reasons for calling it quits. Has he made it clear as to why he wants this? If yes or no, what did he exactly say to you that had killed the marriage. This is important.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Go through cell phone call log to see if he is having an affair.

Why did you move out?

Has your sex life been dead a long time? Why?

Why didn't you have children?

Go to the gym and work out hard. This will get you in shape and help you sleep.


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## karmac (Mar 3, 2015)

FormerSelf, thanks very much for your message. Yes, my husband told me he loves and cares about me, but not in love with me anymore. He said he didn't feel the love and care from me for many years. He has the sense of lost of self. I admit that sometimes I were too dramatic, disrespectful and critical. I was a fool, I didn't know the importance of showing appreciation. He also said he doesn't think we can go back and be happy together as a couple. To him, the only thing left in our marriage is responsibility.


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## karmac (Mar 3, 2015)

LongWalk, he insisted he is not having an affair and I trust him. I wanted to give us some space so I moved out. However, we didn't set any rules and guidelines before separation. So now it became a way of life instead of looking into our problems and solve them. He is only giving me time to adapt to being single. I believe he is having a war in his head, because he also cries in front of me and the counsellor. 
Our sex life has been dead for a couple of months. We were too busy and the time was just not fit, an excuse maybe. We both agreed not to have child. But now I want a child...
I couldn't eat nor sleep, too weak to go to gym, an excuse again maybe.
Feeling rubbish and sad.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

karmac said:


> FormerSelf, thanks very much for your message. Yes, my husband told me he loves and cares about me, but not in love with me anymore. He said he didn't feel the love and care from me for many years. He has the sense of lost of self. I admit that sometimes I were too dramatic, disrespectful and critical. I was a fool, I didn't know the importance of showing appreciation. He also said he doesn't think we can go back and be happy together as a couple. To him, the only thing left in our marriage is responsibility.


Now, I am not saying that these reasons are entirely invalid and can chip away at someone's love...but this setup is also a familiar setup in situations where an affair might be in play.

Prior to the bomb, had your husband been losing weight, paying more attention to his appearance, guarding his phone and computer, buying new underwear (major red flag), odd and random reasons for going out or staying out late at work?

This is important to rule in/out...and will be helpful in determining you next course of action. Of course odd behavior, doesn't always equate an affair, but we have seen this pattern pretty regularly.

My wife was unhappy in the marriage, but stuck it out for various reasons...but an affair usually brings things to a crisis point where the unhappy spouse uses it to make the break. This is what my wife did, covering up her real reasons by peppering me with lots of vague things that had me say "You want me out of the house for THAT?" Often the excuses are vague and usually dumps a lot of petty blame on you.

Again, do not panic...we are just trying to get a baseline.

By the way...cheaters almost NEVER admit to an affair. Don't want to go against your conviction that he is telling the truth, but if he is truly honest...then we need to break through to what exactly pushed him over the edge...because right now, the punishment doesn't fit the crime, ya know?


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## karmac (Mar 3, 2015)

FormerSelf said:


> Now, I am not saying that these reasons are entirely invalid and can chip away at someone's love...but this setup is also a familiar setup in situations where an affair might be in play.
> 
> Prior to the bomb, had your husband been losing weight, paying more attention to his appearance, guarding his phone and computer, buying new underwear (major red flag), odd and random reasons for going out or staying out late at work?
> 
> ...


FormerSelf, he insisted he is not having an affair and I trust him on this. However, immediately before the bomb, I found out he was texting a lot with a random girl online. He said they never met and would stop contacting her. I lost my temper the night I discovered this. I have the sense that he has stopped contact with the girl. If I were not acting so dramatically, maybe he would not have brought up this terrible idea. I ruined my marriage.

He was a very nice guy, a perfect guy in many people's eyes. We were perfect couple. I couldn't face this. I just couldn't. Feeling so weak and vulnerable. 

I miss all the happy days, my dogs, my house, my neighbourhood, everything.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

karmac said:


> FormerSelf, he insisted he is not having an affair and I trust him on this. However, immediately before the bomb, I found out he was texting a lot with a random girl online. He said they never met and would stop contacting her. I lost my temper the night I discovered this. I have the sense that he has stopped contact with the girl. If I were not acting so dramatically, maybe he would not have brought up this terrible idea. I ruined my marriage.


Oh man...big hugs to you...but you have to listen to me:

*Your husband is having an emotional affair*. His behavior is very much in line with it. 

YOU CAUGHT HIM...and instead of fessing up, he expertly backed you off by blameshifting and threatening you with divorce. He was not ready to be caught, but once he was in a position to choose you or her, he chose to separate, so he doesn't have to give her up yet also not risk losing his time with the kids.

Listen, I understand if this is a line of thinking that you may not believe. But this may very well be the reason that the counseling is not going anywhere...and why you are wracking your brain with, "What did I DO WRONG?!"

karmac, I DID THE SAME THING!!! My wife gave the ILYBNILWY speech and I bought it, hook, line, and sinker...crying, blubbering, bargaining, begging, pleading for her to change her mind. I apologized for everything she indicted me for, begging for a second chance. Yet, she would not relent...and, I, believing everything she said about me...retreated in desperate hope that I could win her back!!! BUt she wanted none of it.

It wasn't until a couple months later that I discovered she was having an emotional affair with a potential suitor on the internet.

You may not be at a place to accept that...as it is easy to be in denial over an extremely painful reality. But, people caught in the act (as your husband was on his phone) rarely tell the whole truth. On eof the biggest shocks to me was to learn that my wife had been dishonest...it never crossed my mind that she would have been so deceptive...but no, she was an expert at it.

Okay, I'll allow you to let that sink in...just know we all mean well when we won't let the woman on the phone detail slip our minds.

Just know, YOU DID NOT KILL THE MARRIAGE...you showed self-respect by confronting husband on his unacceptable behavior...and HE CHOSE a coward's path by deception and deflection...expertly BLAMING YOU.

It is understandable that you are afraid, unexpectedly looking at life alone...thinking this separation would be a time of reflection, healing, and a step toward reconciliation and the reunion of the family. The reason husband is crying in these sessions: guilt.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Having said all of that. There may still be hope for your marriage. Either there is another woman in the picture or not, cling behavior is repulsive behavior to a spouse with one foot out of the door.

No more texting..no more trying to corner him about marriage...and no more trying to elicit out of him a commitment. In fact, in either case...the best thing you can do is stop and start certain behaviors that MAY result in ending your husband's repulsion and restore your self-respect, thus reinforce your perceived value. The 180:

_Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of your relationship. She suggested that any new betrayed partner implement these behaviors immediately. They aren’t designed to make you look good or your partner bad. They are, however, a means of protection for the betrayed. They also empower the betrayed to face their new world with dignity and bravery. A betrayed spouse who uses these steps will appear stronger to the wayward partner, and that is exactly what you want to portray.

This list is titled “The 180″ and it won’t take you long to figure out why. What you are actually doing is a complete 180 degree rotation in your actions and attitude. You no longer are a weeping sack of sorrow. Suddenly, you appear strong, happy, independent, and quite capable of making it on your own.

I remember when I first heard about the concept of the 180. I actually thought it was a really stupid idea. I was so codependent and wrapped up in him that it felt like the completely wrong thing to do. I thought I would be pushing him away, putting on a façade when I was asking for more honesty and openness, and making myself seem cold-hearted. Now I understand that the 180 is not about that. It’s about protecting yourself. It’s about finding yourself. It’s about enjoying who you are without the other person. It’s about not getting sucked into unnecessary drama. These are all healthy steps no matter if you ultimately stay together or go your own ways.

So here, it is without further ado:

The 180

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner._

If you see things behaviors making positive results...STILL, DO NOT STOP THEM!! If you start to win him back and return to self-deprecating behaviors that kill his respect...it will be unlikely this will work a second time.

I also highly recommend Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson...as he gets into the psychology of those who are leaving the marriage...and what you can do to end repulsive behavior, much like the 180. It helped me in getting my wife's attention, but longterm-wise, those deeper issues still need to be addressed. The reasons underneath the symptomatic behavior.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> He was not ready to be caught, but once he was in a position to choose you or her, he chose to separate, so he doesn't have to give her up yet also not risk losing his *time with the kids.*


Whoops...realized i wrote this when you already said you don't have kids. Many wayward spouses don't like to drop the hammer of an affair for fear of losing whatever benefit may exist by not revealing truth. We call it "cake eating"...wanting best of both worlds AND keeping you as Plan B if Plan A doesn't pan out.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Sometimes...there is nothing one can do, if the other partner truly wants out. Promises to change, etc. won't do it. If he is determined to end the marriage, you can't stop him, only delay the inevitable.

I hate to harp on it but he likely is or did have some sort of affair, whether it became physical or not. Whatever he admitted to...was likely minimizing facts. And he would not have told you anything at all if you had not discovered it. In any case, even if it is behind me, he may have seen other "opportunities" out there and no longer want to be tied down to a marriage.

You deserve to be with a person who IS in love with you. Once you get the "love you but not in love speech"...it is pretty much curtains for the relationship unless you can live as "roommates" not lovers...and convince him to do even that. But his eyes and heart will be roaming.

Continue joint counseling if possible, but if he has no intention of reconciling, it will not help. In which case, individual counseling is vital.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

karmac said:


> FormerSelf, he insisted he is not having an affair and I trust him on this. However, immediately before the bomb, I found out he was texting a lot with a random girl online. He said they never met and would stop contacting her. I lost my temper the night I discovered this. I have the sense that he has stopped contact with the girl. If I were not acting so dramatically, maybe he would not have brought up this terrible idea. I ruined my marriage.
> 
> He was a very nice guy, a perfect guy in many people's eyes. We were perfect couple. I couldn't face this. I just couldn't. Feeling so weak and vulnerable.
> 
> I miss all the happy days, my dogs, my house, my neighbourhood, everything.


You lost your temper (as any sane person would - do not beat yourself up - it's NOT your fault) and he decided to divorce? Sounds to me like he's having an affair. YOU did not ruin your marriage - he is trying to make you think that you ruined your marriage.

It takes two people to make or break a marriage. Don't let him OR you shoulder all the blame!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> You lost your temper (as any sane person would - do not beat yourself up - it's NOT your fault) and he decided to divorce? Sounds to me like he's having an affair. YOU did not ruin your marriage - he is trying to make you think that you ruined your marriage.
> 
> It takes two people to make or break a marriage. Don't let him OR you shoulder all the blame!


Correction... it takes two to make -- _but *only ONE* to break_ -- a marriage.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

karmac said:


> FormerSelf, he insisted he is not having an affair and I trust him on this. However, immediately before the bomb, I found out he was texting a lot with a random girl online. He said they never met and would stop contacting her. I lost my temper the night I discovered this. I have the sense that he has stopped contact with the girl. If I were not acting so dramatically, maybe he would not have brought up this terrible idea. I ruined my marriage.
> 
> He was a very nice guy, a perfect guy in many people's eyes. We were perfect couple. I couldn't face this. I just couldn't. Feeling so weak and vulnerable.
> 
> I miss all the happy days, my dogs, my house, my neighbourhood, everything.


OP, I agree w/ FS and Orange -- your husband is having an emotional affair.

Or, rather, he WAS having an emotional affair; given that he's more or less cut you out of his life over the past 2-3 months, it's likely gone physical by now.

Sorry.


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## legaleagle (Dec 29, 2014)

I am sorry that you are going through this. If he is chatting with another woman that is not acceptable behavior for a married person. 
I am going through a similar situation as you are going through. Try to hang in there. Why did you move out? Did you feel unsafe? If I had to do it all over again, I probably would have stayed in the house. I think the cheaters should go through the hassle and stress of moving. 
Try to reach out to some friends to talk. It helps. Also, don't beg or call. You don't want to be his plan B.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It seems like we scared her off.

An affair sometimes is too painful of a reality for some people who are desperate to keep the marriage in one piece. Which is why so many spouses of waywards do not appreciate exposure calls.


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## karmac (Mar 3, 2015)

legaleagle said:


> I am sorry that you are going through this. If he is chatting with another woman that is not acceptable behavior for a married person.
> I am going through a similar situation as you are going through. Try to hang in there. Why did you move out? Did you feel unsafe? If I had to do it all over again, I probably would have stayed in the house. I think the cheaters should go through the hassle and stress of moving.
> Try to reach out to some friends to talk. It helps. Also, don't beg or call. You don't want to be his plan B.


I am sorry to hear that you are going through similar situation. This is the most stressful event I've ever had in my life. I am struggling a lot, whether or not I should move back to my house? Should I quit my job and get a new one? Should I give up and move on with my life? Or should I try harder to reconcile?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You need to detach to come to a reasonable decision. Start by concentrating on your own life and ignore him as best as you can. Do what you can for your job prospect, work out to get mentally healthy as well as physically healthy. Surround yourself with people that care about you. Do activities that make you happy, read a book that brings you joy, surround yourself with positivity. Take control of your life in where you can, and let go of the things you cannot control. It will only bring on anxiety. Since he is an unknown quantity if he remains in your future or not, make plans and goals without him as a part of it. It will help you start the motions of moving forward. With a direction to go, you will worry less.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

karmac said:


> This is the most stressful event I've ever had in my life. I am struggling a lot, whether or not I should move back to my house? Should I quit my job and get a new one? Should I give up and move on with my life? Or should I try harder to reconcile?


Karmac, I am so glad that you popped back in here!

Let's look to Maslowe's hierarchy of needs with this one:








Let's at least make sure that you are getting your basic needs met. 
1)Are you in a safe environment and have a means of provision to secure your basic shelter needs?

2)Safety is going to be HUGE to you...thus the overwhelming inclination to reconcile w/husband in spite of existing red flags. This is normal, but also know that is a survival mechanism which can often ignore the more healthy choice for you.

Right now, your level 2 tier has taken a HUGE HIT...and you are completely destabilized. In my case I tried to reconcile with my wayward wife too soon, and still, there was no stability there...as I was still dealing with the trauma/mistrust and she was still not at a point to dig through the deep stuff with me. When you are shocked/destabilized, you let a lot of stuff slide. I suggest maintaining separation and distance so you can maintain your clarity.

But if financially this is hurting you, then I suppose one could do an in-home separation (which I am doing right now) but then again, who wants to move in only to move out again if things don't go well?

As for work and moving on, I guess this is going to depend on where you want to go. But where you go and what you do are really contingent upon if the separation has served its purpose: 

To ascertain the commitment of a marriage by creating emotional and physical distance along with regular and intentional mediated sessions with the purpose of discerning chances for reconciliation. A trial separation must have a clear defined goal for reconciliation OR dissolution and set limits/boundaries for certain behaviors that do not make reconciliation possible. A separation should move into reconciliation ONLY if specific and CLEAR needs are being met by both parties to give their assent to coming back together...and even then, this should be a slow process. A timeline is preferable.

Basically...if separation is showing no change in husband and you are waiting to see things get better, safer...then you decide how long you want to wait. Have some very clear ideas what you are NEEDING...write them down. These are promises to yourself to uphold THESE VALUES THAT ARE YOUR OWN. Communicate them to him. Take all the time you need or are willing to take. Also, determine his needs for reconciliation. Having no needs or playing blame-game is unacceptable for reconciliation! You both must have stuff to work on.

Your best indicator is your measure of peace. If you get to a place where you feel at peace about reconciling...meaning no red flags, sense of safety and trust is restoring...then great. But if you reach a place where marriage is still a mess and you start to feel a peace about moving on great. But if you don't feel peace about either, maybe it isn't time to make a choice...but don't get stuck in limbo like the Dr. Seuss book, "Oh, The Places You'll Go" Even if marriage part isn't budging WE MUST keep attaining our needs of friendship, belonging, self-esteem, and self-actualization. In fact, if you pursue them, they may help you define your choices and values...thus granting you guidance at these crossroads.









3)Find support. This is the largest area that helped me get through all of my drama. Genuine friends, supportive family, supportive church family, etc. If it is possible, a counselor or therapist that you feel safe with is also another lifeline. You need lifelines!!!

Keep on climbing! This journey is going to be the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU!


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## karmac (Mar 3, 2015)

FormerSelf, thanks so much for all your support. I was too depressed last week, I could hardly function at all. I talked with my husband last Sat. He insisted to divorce. He said many hurtful words to me. I couldn't eat nor sleep. He is not the one I used to love. He became very selfish, disrespectful and cruel. How come he could treat his wife in this way? I am totally heartbroken. I guess I need to think seriously if I really want to have this man back. Right now, he just doesn't deserve my love. But I miss all the old good days, I am trapped in the past. My head is filled with all the super negative thoughts and emotions. It sucks...

My friends and family encourage me to move back to my house (50% owned by me). They said my husband doesn't care about my feeling so I don't need to care his. My husband said clearly that he will move to his parents if I move back. For my two dogs, my friends said let my husband take care of them, he needs to learn what "responsibility" means. But I miss my dogs!

At the same time, I don't know if I can survive moving back to our house. I believe I would cry all the time. Waking up in blue every morning finding I am alone on bed. Seeing all the furniture, all the stuff we bought together, all the dreams we had, but now it's all gone! 

As for my job, I really want to quit it. All my colleagues know my husband and my current situation. I am under great stress explaining everything to them. In their eyes, my husband is a nice and perfect guy. They don't believe he will ever treat me this way. They even said I must have done something wrong leading to this situation. However, I know I couldn't stay at home alone. This is a real dilemma. 

I miss my husband. I hate myself for not being a better wife. I should have shown more love and care to him... However, everything's too late...I am devastated.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I know how you feel... I have been in your very spot...just feeling HURT and CRUSHED, longing for things to go back the way it was, or at least, what I thought it was. One can barely function...I can barely see how I even got up out of bed or got to work. I also have experienced, and still am experiencing the surreal displays of my soon-to-be-ex-wife, being someone I barely recognize...but now after being through the crucible, I am functioning, happy, clear-headed, and moving on.

I also had to mourn the good parts of our relationship...when we supported each other and just had our daily interactions. ALL GONE. It creates such a lonely vacuum, it really does. It is a wistful mirage to look back upon, like watching an old soundless 8mm family reel. It's okay to grieve that...and it will take a while. Lots of things will serve as reminders, such as the home. 

So, I can understand the temptation to go back and fight for the marriage...especially when it means so many decisions and doors you have to go through. But it also sounds like he is committed to the divorce.

I know it feels like the power of a choice for your marriage had been taken from you...and that you are kicking yourself for not paying better attention. Yes, it is always good to see how you may have contributed to things...but going outside the lines and getting familiar with another woman is all ON HIM. That was his choice and his character flaw. Nothing you did deserved it.

Right now, just keep processing your feelings. They are real and let them be real. Don't make panicked choices. Find ways to calm yourself when the panic attacks come. I used to breathe slow, and imagine all my fear, pain, anxiety, worry, stress, anger going into a ball which I imagined pulling out of my core with my hands, breathing out and releasing it away into the sky.

Hold your head up at work. Ignore the people that aren't supportive...have nothing to do with them.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Why is it that people at work know your personal situation? Did you tell them? Or did he? Either way, you should not be allowing people who do not support you to influence you or say "you must have done something".

It is painful to see your life and dreams go up in smoke. But this man is making it clear he is not who you thought he was. He is selfish and only taking care of his own needs and desires...not the things he promised when you married him. 

I would not go back to the house unless it is the house that you want-don't go back thinking it will be easier to reconcile. As he said, he will likely leave if you do. If you divorce, the house will likely be sold anyway. And as you said, it will be more painful for you.

But talk to a lawyer ASAP if you have not already. Make sure you know the laws where you live.

It takes two to reconcile, even if only one breaks the vows...if he is not willing to do a lot of hard work to get there, it won't happen.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Move back so you can take care of your dogs. He can then move in with his parents as he's threatened to. Leaving the dogs with him won't necessarily teach him responsibility. If you're there then you'll know for sure they're being taken care of. 

As for him, he obviously has to choose his own path. I know it's difficult but you'll get through it. Take it a day at a time or even an hour at a time (sometimes on really bad days I had to take it literally a minute at a time).


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## karmac (Mar 3, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Move back so you can take care of your dogs. He can then move in with his parents as he's threatened to. Leaving the dogs with him won't necessarily teach him responsibility. If you're there then you'll know for sure they're being taken care of.
> 
> As for him, he obviously has to choose his own path. I know it's difficult but you'll get through it. Take it a day at a time or even an hour at a time (sometimes on really bad days I had to take it literally a minute at a time).


I am empty. I am scared. He asked me out to talk this coming Sat. I don't wanna face it. I know what he is going to tell me. Should I go? Or we could just talk on phone?

Openminded, I am also living one day at a time. However this is easier said than done. I always travel to the past and feeling devastated. I also worry about the future all the time, lots of fear in my head. Feeling super lonely, living like a corpse. 

Suddenly, I lost the meaning of life. What's the purpose of living like rubbish and so sad?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry to hear you are going through this. There is more to this than meets the eye.

1. he could be having an affair as some have pointed out
2. you said that you have been critical and disrespectful but didn't say if that might have pushed him over the edge (sometimes it does)

I think Formerself has got it spot on, there is no point in begging and pleading. Use the 180 to get control of your own emotions and over the situation and see what happens.


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## legaleagle (Dec 29, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Move back so you can take care of your dogs. He can then move in with his parents as he's threatened to. Leaving the dogs with him won't necessarily teach him responsibility. If you're there then you'll know for sure they're being taken care of.
> 
> As for him, he obviously has to choose his own path. I know it's difficult but you'll get through it. Take it a day at a time or even an hour at a time (sometimes on really bad days I had to take it literally a minute at a time).


I agree with Openminded. As long as it is safe, move back to the house. *NOW.* In my situation, I left the house and had to suffer the trauma of the marriage breakdown and being displaced as well. I was able to stay in my house for a few days recently while my stbxw was out of town. I was very comfortable there and did not miss her. So as long as it is safe, move back. He has indicated, that he will leave if you do that. And if he does, don't beg him to stay one bit. Let him go. He wants the divorce, let him leave. The dogs will keep you company. 

Everybody processes this different, but for me the displacement was hardest for me. It may help you deal with the situation better if you are in a familiar environment. (In your own home, with your pets) 

Further, if there is any chance at all of saving the marriage a separation won't help. Separation pretty much guarantees a divorce will go forward, because your spouse will not see what they are losing if you are living in separate places. Especially if you do the 180.

And if for some reason he does stay, when you move back I would do the following:

1. Try to get ahold of your anxiety and emotions. (don't cry in front of him)
2. Start the 180
3. DO NOT BEG for a chance to work on the marriage
4. Don't say "I love you" anymore to him
5. Work on yourself
6. Get out and do things for yourself with friends
7. Be Patient
8. Consult a competent local attorney so you know your rights

If he does not come around, and stop his foolishness, then you can file for divorce. Your friends and family will want the best for you and want you to stop hurting and will probably push you in the direction of divorce. That is your decision. Be Safe.


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## karmac (Mar 3, 2015)

legaleagle, I was reading your story in the other thread. I hope your back on track and keep moving on. For me, I know I am still trying to escape from the reality. I also know I have to face it before I could heal and truly move on. 

Same as yours, my house is comfortable and newly furnished. The location is also very convenient and close to my workplace. But as everyone here would understand there are lots of good memories in the house. I've never lived alone. I am not sure if I could take care of myself, I admit I am a dependent person. Won't you feel lonely in the house?


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Do you have any idea if you will keep the house, if a divorce happens? I know you don't want to think about that, but wondering if it would be worse to go back, only to have to leave again. 

I left the house when my husband said he wanted a separation. I found an apartment very quickly and getting moved and settled kept me occupied for weeks. I wasn't lonely, as we had been so far apart, we barely communicated anyway. Plus, I felt "in charge" of my life. He is supposed to be getting the house ready to sell, but in three months, has done nothing.

You should do what is best for you. Not what he wants, or thinks he wants. If you would feel better in the house, tell him you will be moving back and when, and that he should go ahead and be out by that date.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

karmac said:


> As for my job, I really want to quit it. All my colleagues know my husband and my current situation. *I am under great stress explaining everything to them*.


Why do you need to "explain everything to them?" It may do you a world of good to keep your private life private and your professional life separate. You do not need to tell your colleagues the most intimate details of your life. Also, quitting your job right now I think would be a detriment to you. Unless you have another job lined up. You said you've never lived alone. Do not give up your source of income during this time. It may help keep you sane to, having something to do, you work. 

I am not sure why you moved out if he is the one who wants the divorce. You should have told him to be the one to move out since he's the one who wants the divorce. Idk what the laws are where you live but in some places this could be considered "abandonment" legally. With that said, if you want to move back to the home that is half yours, then do so an dif he says he's moving out to his parents if you come back then I say GOOD RIDDANCE.

I am not sure what events led to this point in your relationship but it does sound like he was carrying on with other women. You said he was messaging other women online a lot and told you he stopped (of course he did, what else would he say?) but my bet is there is more than you know. You say you were critical and unappreciative toward him/mean and this could have also played a part in him feeling far from you. Work on that moving forward. 

With that said, if he wants a divorce no matter what, there's really nothing you can do but accept it. The fact is, most divorces aren't mutual. In the end though, you will see that it's better to be single than in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you and/or who doesn't want to be married to you. 

He is acting like a jerk right now which tells me he is done. He is behaving this way because he is either so done or there is someone else on the horizon. Neither are conducive to you guys working it out. On the offchance he does want to work it out, it is going to take efforts on both parts. The desire for the marriage to work/reconcile has to be mutual. Otherwise, no dice. 

It hurts now but one day you will be thankful that this happened. Nothing worse than being with someone who doesn't want to be with you.


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## karmac (Mar 3, 2015)

I was in emotional turmoil over the weekend. So depressed that I wanted to end my life. I felt my life was ruined by that selfish bastard. However, I still love him. He was so sweet and cared about me.

He asked me out to talk on Sat. I don't know why he looked so angry. Anyway, we came to an agreement that I will move back this coming Sun while he will move to his parents. Each of us will keep one dog. 

I broke the 180. I begged again... and of course he rejected. He listed out all my shortcomings. I knew he tried to make me to be the one who is blameable. I didn't argue with him on this. Although I know he deliberately accused me of having broken our marriage, I did blame myself and was angry at myself. This feeling sucks.

I still couldn't believe my loveable husband is acting like this. I felt like having a physical heart attack. I couldn't eat, sleep, work, talk and even cry. How long will it take to heal? 

As said, I will move back to the house a few days later. I am so scared. Do you folks have any advice? I've never lived alone. How could I rebuild my routine? How could I rebuild my life?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Karmac,
Your husband sounds like a real A-hole.
You do realise he is simply blame shifting and re-writing history now to make himself feel better? In fact he is doing this so aggressively that it is severely affecting your mental health.
You need to get away from this man. Break contact completely. No texting, do not respond to texts and calls until you have settled down some.

For goodness sake - don't beg.

Get yourself a therapist immediately. It will be the best money you ever spent right now. Forget everything else and work on why you don't respect yourself. Learn to forgive yourself.

Make contact with your friends and family. Spend time with them. You need their support. Tell them what your husband has done. Making it public will not hurt your situation, that I can assure you that.

In your spare time make sure you exercise and do something you enjoy doing. 

Stay away from drugs an alcohol. They won't help at all.

Until you have got past these steps do nothing else. Do not even consider your husband, do not worry about anyone else.. 

Look after yourself. Good luck.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Living alone while going through a life changing event does not have to be a bad thing. Be a little selfish, buy foods you like (espeically if he hated them) sleep on whichever side of the bed you want or take up the whole thing, take long baths, treat yourself well, do what you like to do, or just be lazy. Cuddle with your dog. Order take-out food. Whatever...just take care of yourself and work to rebuild your self-esteem. You know what he is doing, in try to make you feel bad...don't let him. He is the one who wants to end your marriage. He does not want to work on it. You are not the bad guy.


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## legaleagle (Dec 29, 2014)

I'm glad you get your place back and one of the dogs. Which dog do you get? That is a hard one. I would take both of them. Anyway, going back may help you deal with the displacement aspect of your grief. You have been and are going through a lot. And being away from your comfort zone does not help either. 

When you get settled back in follow what Jane wrote about. That sounds like a nice thing to do for yourself. 

Remember, don't let how he is treating you dictate how you feel. I know that the title of your original post was that you want him back. Trust me, let him go and start focusing on your life. I don't like divorce and hate to see it happen, but he is in a state of mind where he thinks his life will be better without you. So maybe you should stop any and all necessary contact with him and focus on healing yourself. 

Stay strong!


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> Living alone while going through a life changing event does not have to be a bad thing. Be a little selfish, buy foods you like (espeically if he hated them) sleep on whichever side of the bed you want or take up the whole thing, take long baths, treat yourself well, do what you like to do, or just be lazy. Cuddle with your dog. Order take-out food. Whatever...just take care of yourself and work to rebuild your self-esteem. You know what he is doing, in try to make you feel bad...don't let him. He is the one who wants to end your marriage. He does not want to work on it. You are not the bad guy.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


I just really can't emphasize how much I agree with Jane on this. I'll be honest, at first it didn't make me feel better. I did certain things just because I could...almost out of spite. But gradually I feel like I'm reclaiming myself. The person I was before my ex came along. I am healthier and happier. It's weird, because I'm angry at him. But my anger is targeted. Before we broke up, I was so depressed. It was this horrible and I didn't really deal with what was making me unhappy. 

But everything is in my control.

Also...the toilet isn't as gross. I love that.


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## karmac (Mar 3, 2015)

Little update, this morning he told me his parents won't allow him to bring the dog. He asked me to keep both dogs and he will come to feed them whenever I couldn't. Alright, he's done! He thinks taking care of dogs means equally feeding them (so they won't die). 

Ok, it's even better now I could keep both dogs. And I finally realised that this person's done. Thank him for forcing me to move on. I don't depressed now, but anger intruded......


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm in the same mind as the others. All the signs are there. He's been cheating on you. It shouldn't be hard to prove it with a little sleuthing.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm in the same mind as the others. All the signs are there. He's been cheating on you. It shouldn't be hard to prove it with a little sleuthing.


BINGO!

You should take him to court for Puppy Support...


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