# Sex seems to be getting more difficult...



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

The more time goes by from d-day the harder a time I'm having with sex. Seems I'm having more and more issues. Has anyone else had this problem? I have the sex drive, but the images and doubts destroy the mood and I end up crying after. I feel cheap for having sex with my WS. Like why would I even do this... 

Is it better to just stop and risk losing it or push through it in hopes it will bring back some kind of bond? I dunno... I thought we had a bond before and now that specialness is gone.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Are you on any type of mood meds? Have you talked to your IC about this?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Just Ativan as needed. It's more the mental images in my head while we're together, like did he do this or that with her...


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Work on spending more quality time together see if that helps
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

Hurtingbadly - I know this is difficult for you. I did go through something similar and it was definitely a struggle to get past it.

The way I dealt with it was sheer stubbornness on my part. I realized that our sex life was going to take some time to return and the sex life we were working to rebuild might end up being different than it was before the affair. Because the affair changed the marriage, it made sense that the sex would probably change, too.

I was patient with myself and had that discussion with my H. He had to agree that he had to give me some time and understanding because of what he had done. He did agree and he was very patient with me. If your spouse can't understand this, you may need to back track and do some remedial work on your R. 

But the biggest thing I did was to make a deal with myself that I wouldn't allow a low-life, gutter *****, attempted home-wrecker to take something as wonderful as sex with my H from me. I kept reminding myself every chance I got that my H was sincere and checked back in. 

If I found that I was playing scenes from his affair in my mind, I'd immediately replace it with some happy scene from our life. I focused on making new memories - similar to what In The Wind suggested.

It didn't happen overnight, but I just didn't allow myself to give in. Remember that someone else can't take something like a good and happy sex life from you if you won't allow it.

Don't give up!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

personally I had to push thru the first 4-5 times and then it started to get better. Now it still comes into my mind once in a while during but I just try to do something to take my mind off it and it usually works. Good luck. I know how you feel.


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> personally I had to push thru the first 4-5 times and then it started to get better. Now it still comes into my mind once in a while during but I just try to do something to take my mind off it and it usually works. Good luck. I know how you feel.


Me, too. It's a choice to try to make the marriage work and it's a choice to rebuild your sex life. None of it's easy, but it's still a conscious thing you have to figure out how to do it.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree with canttrustyou that you have to think of somethin else. However, I think what you are suffering from is a lack of forgiveness, too much hate/bitterness and that is strangling you. That is why I have always said that talking is the key. It is the key that unlocks all and brings you closer. You HAVE to understand why he had the affair to be able to move on. Talking is the only way through. Closer feelings brings the sex alive also. Talking and becoming closer strengthens the bond, and then the bond of sex follows. Talking, loving, sex, the mind movies will fade. Talking, UNDERSTANDING is the key. Your bitterness and anger are coming out sideways in your behaviour. Talk!


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_

He's patient with the sex. He hasn't been pushing it on me. I actually think I need him starting it first, though cause I feel cheap when I make the first move, like I'm degrading myself by having sex with him after he cheated on me. He now waits for me to make the move. I need to feel he wants me. He didn't take sex as something special between us. He was willing to be with a stranger. So I have this twisted view on sex now. It's not something secret between us. I worry he did this or that with her when we are doing things. I worry how I look - I was a 32 year old mom at the time that had two c-sections and nursed two babies, she was early 20s and a model they had used for the business trip. It's humiliating. I'm now 40 years old, all this time he had been with some young girl... We had the hysterical bonding thing at first, but I think I was in shock. Over time sex has become more difficult for me. It's hard to talk to him right now cause he's so depressed.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Lorazepam(Ativan) as many other benzodiazepines can mute your sex drive, as that type of medication primarily works by slowing down your neural activity. You mention you feel vulnerable and insecure, and that your H is depressed. Are you seeing a counselor? Is he? Are you guys in MC? Have you told the prescribing physician about this issue? Certain SSRIs, like sertraline (zoloft) can help when it comes to feeling confidant as well as letting go of things a bit quicker. 

Have you told your H that you need him to initiate sex so you feel wanted? You mention that he did not take sex as something special between you two, has he said this to you, or is this an assumption you made because he cheated?

Others have mentioned communication, are you openly talking to him about these issues? 

As far as comparing yourself to the OW goes, its a waste of time, she could have been an _ugly_ skank, the point is she was just a forbidden fruit skank, and thats all that really mattered to your H when he was having his A. 

If you really want to give the R a shot, break down the walls, let some light in, and talk till your lips are chapped. He cant read your mind, and wont be able to help you with problems you dont voice to him.

Oh, and tell him to go see a psychiatrist for his depression, especially because his mood is making things harder for you.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> My H's AP is younger than two of my daughters, and when she enters a room all eyes are on her, even the women's. It makes getting beyond H's A very difficult for me. It makes me feel that he cared more about sexiness and good looks than about our marriage; and that he was willing to risk a D to get it on with "that kind of woman"( he has a propensity for sticking his foot in his mouth too). We have gotten farther apart as the realization of what all this meant has dawned on me. He is a bit panicky about where this is going, I don't know that myself, but sometimes it is just the natural consequences of cake eating to lose it all. He hasn't told me a thing that makes me think that this relationship is something I should cherish as I once did. They always seem to think that they won't get caught and if they do they will be able to limit the damage.


I totally feel this way. That a stranger's looks and age were more important than our marriage and family. How do you cheat on your wife after so many years?!? I suddenly feel like he places more importance on sex than he does his own family. And I never saw him before in that way.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Paladin said:


> Lorazepam(Ativan) as many other benzodiazepines can mute your sex drive, as that type of medication primarily works by slowing down your neural activity. You mention you feel vulnerable and insecure, and that your H is depressed. Are you seeing a counselor? Is he? Are you guys in MC? Have you told the prescribing physician about this issue? Certain SSRIs, like sertraline (zoloft) can help when it comes to feeling confidant as well as letting go of things a bit quicker.
> 
> Have you told your H that you need him to initiate sex so you feel wanted? You mention that he did not take sex as something special between you two, has he said this to you, or is this an assumption you made because he cheated?
> 
> ...


I have the sex drive, the Ativan isn't messing with that. It's the mental images and doubts during sex that are making it very difficult for me. He's actually on Zoloft right now, but it is still very hard to talk to him. 

It is my assumption that sex is no longer special between us. He broke that bond and it is no longer unique in our marriage. He let another person enter into that equation, so our seventeen years together are no longer pure. He never said that to me, it's my feelings. I told him I felt cheap for initiating sex, like I was degrading myself since he hurt me so badly. He says the sex with her was cheap, not the sex we have together.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> ...It's the mental images and doubts during sex that are making it very difficult for me.


I know you mentioned that weight gain was a concern for you, but there are medications that can help with that side effect, and particular SSRIs that do not usually cause weight gain. Some of the advice above is good, replacing the mental images with positive ones. That is a technique from CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) you may find it useful to pick up a book on it, and do some of the exercises. Please talk to your doctor about how you feel.



hurtingbadly said:


> He's actually on Zoloft right now, but it is still very hard to talk to him.


It takes anywhere from 4-6 weeks for an SSRI to make an impact, and sometimes dosages need to be adjusted several times before a good one is found.



hurtingbadly said:


> It is my assumption that sex is no longer special between us. He broke that bond and it is no longer unique in our marriage. He let another person enter into that equation, so our seventeen years together are no longer pure. He never said that to me, it's my feelings.


Did you, or him have sexual partners prior to getting married? Or were you each others first?



hurtingbadly said:


> I told him I felt cheap for initiating sex, like I was degrading myself since he hurt me so badly. He says the sex with her was cheap, not the sex we have together.


Its good that you let him know how you feel, its important he understand that. However, telling him how you feel, is different from telling him what you want. So it may be useful to re-frame that statement into a request.

"I want you to initiate the sex more often, it makes me feel wanted."

Nothing negative in that statement, he may have an easier time hearing it put that way, and may actually be more able to do what you want and need him to do to make you feel better.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Paladin said:


> I know you mentioned that weight gain was a concern for you, but there are medications that can help with that side effect, and particular SSRIs that do not usually cause weight gain. Some of the advice above is good, replacing the mental images with positive ones. That is a technique from CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) you may find it useful to pick up a book on it, and do some of the exercises. Please talk to your doctor about how you feel.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks Paladin. You last comment makes alot of sense.


I had more partners than him prior to our marriage, this seems to cause him issues. We married young. I just considered our sex life as something special and just between us. It is no longer that way.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> Actions do speak louder than words. My H is having problems in the word dept too. The rationalizations continue, as the distance grows. I am now informed that I was too intimidating to talk to, but she was so nice that she made him feel comfortable while he whined to her about our marriage. We had been together nearly 20 years when he found the newer model. These things are very hard to mend, I wish you luck.


I don't know if they're mendable. At some point I guess I have to start over, with him or without. But, the marriage we had is dead and gone. He destroyed all my happy memories. 

Anyone else bothered by the secret service thing? I cringe every time it comes on the TV.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> I don't really think that they are in our case. I hope the outlook is better for you. My H started lying right out of the gate. I have had to pry information out of him and he still makes noises about how I drove him to it. He is not who I thought he was. He says he is still in love with me, and just doesn't understand how I can be so changed with regard to my feelings for him. The secret service thing bothers me too. It's another good ol boys club of those who see themselves as entitled. My H is in law enforcement, as was the bi**h.


My WS also gave me trickle truth. Matter of fact, I think that really hurt things the most for this attempt at reconciliation. It makes it almost impossible to believe anything out of his mouth now. He gets mad when I question things, saying he is now telling me the truth... But, what does he expect? He LIED to my face telling me made up stories to cover his a$$. He even said to me last night, the way you're questioning me implies you think I'm a liar. Like it was insulting to him. HELLO!!!

As for the secret service thing... I asked him yesterday if he thought that was gross. He said yes. I then reminded him about his ONS... According to him his coworker had sex with this girl first, then she offered him the BJ. She was a stranger to him! It's totally disgusting. I recently confronted his coworker about the night of the ONS. He wouldn't talk at first. WS later tells me of course he's not gonna talk, it's code. WTH?!? Code?!? So I was stolen a decade and now possibly more of my life cause of some guy code? I had the right to make a choice then if I wanted to say or leave, not this many years down the road.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Oh, and I also had to pry all the information I got out of him. It was like pulling teeth. Really, my suspicions started years ago and it took several years of begging. Actually, the threat of the poly is what finally got him to talk some. 

As for his reasoning for lying for so long he says what were my alternatives? Tell you and you divorce me?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> As for his reasoning for lying for so long he says what were my alternatives? Tell you and you divorce me?


Yes.

I was going to leave it a one word answer, but I thought this might be more helpful. He seems to have some difficulty owning what he did, and that could very well be because he had to construct an "alternate" reality for the last ten years to cope with not telling you. It will take time to dismantle all those "safeguards" and be totally open. 

His alternative was not to cheat. Telling you after the fact, leaving the decision to R or D in your hands without the extra 10 years of history, was simply a matter of respect and he was obviously too chicken sht to do it.

Give the zoloft some time, he should be in the 75-100mg range for it to have a decent effect on week 4-5.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Paladin said:


> Yes.
> 
> I was going to leave it a one word answer, but I thought this might be more helpful. He seems to have some difficulty owning what he did, and that could very well be because he had to construct an "alternate" reality for the last ten years to cope with not telling you. It will take time to dismantle all those "safeguards" and be totally open.
> 
> ...


Yep, I had the right to know ten years ago, not today.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

And it's totally messed up all my memories since then. Sad, cause it was my children's younger years.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> And it's totally messed up all my memories since then. Sad, cause it was my children's younger years.


I think that is a big problem when an A happens. It calls into question ALL of the time you spent with them while they were deceiving you. Every single day of it. My H used to say "Im a one woman kinda guy". As he was saying it he knew it wasnt so. It leaves me to question alot of things he has said to me over the past year or so. Now when he says "I love you" I sometimes think "do you now, just like youre a one woman kinda guy, right"?

So I know what youre saying when you say its messed up all your memories. Its tainted a certain time period and everything that happened in that time period you now question. Even the most basic of things. Right?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I think that is a big problem when an A happens. It calls into question ALL of the time you spent with them while they were deceiving you. Every single day of it. My H used to say "Im a one woman kinda guy". As he was saying it he knew it wasnt so. It leaves me to question alot of things he has said to me over the past year or so. Now when he says "I love you" I sometimes think "do you now, just like youre a one woman kinda guy, right"?
> 
> So I know what you're saying when you say its messed up all your memories. Its tainted a certain time period and everything that happened in that time period you now question. Even the most basic of things. Right?


I basically can't look at 95% of the pictures around the house. I look at them and I say to myself look, here he is the cheat and liar and I had no clue... The sad thing is most of those pictures have our kids in it. It makes me so sad...

He also used to talk badly of a couple coworkers for cheating. He really played me good.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Paladin said:


> Yes.
> 
> I was going to leave it a one word answer, but I thought this might be more helpful. He seems to have some difficulty owning what he did, and that could very well be because he had to construct an "alternate" reality for the last ten years to cope with not telling you. It will take time to dismantle all those "safeguards" and be totally open.
> 
> ...


So I said this to him yesterday. That when he told me he felt he had no alternative but to keep it from me that his alternative should have been not to cheat. He said he can't go back and change his mistake. I said well, your mistake has now tainted ten years of my memories. His response? If I had told you then you wouldn't have had any memories at all. He said he realizes all he did was just postpone the inevitable. He says he's sorry for lying to me for so long, but then he says stuff like this??? I guess he got to be with his kids when they were little at my expense.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I basically can't look at 95% of the pictures around the house. I look at them and I say to myself look, here he is the cheat and liar and I had no clue... The sad thing is most of those pictures have our kids in it. It makes me so sad...
> 
> He also used to talk badly of a couple coworkers for cheating. He really played me good.


sound alot like my H. He did the SAME thing. Used to speak poorly of a guy at work for making comments about the women around the office. Turns out so did my H. So now I know, right? And so do you. I was played as well. So now we Know better. Is your H behaving differently now? Sorry, I havent read the whole thread.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Is your H behaving differently now? Sorry, I havent read the whole thread.


You mean since the ONS and EA? I didn't know about the ONS. It happened in 2003. I was clueless. This makes me sick to my stomach. Around 2006 to 2008 I started worrying about a coworker. He acted distant and I knew he was friends with her. I kept asking and he kept denying. Then I discover I had HPV... Again, he denies anything with his coworker. She got mad at him around that time and quit talking to him. Months go by and he slowly becomes his old self again. Last few years had been going pretty well between us. But, I couldn't take it anymore and finally threatened him with a poly last September. He broke down and told me his friendship wasn't appropriate, but he never touched her. The only way I could have gotten HPV was from a drunken BJ he got on a business trip back in 2003. 

Since then it has been up and down. Just when I start to think he's completely owning up to everything, he says stupid things that makes me think otherwise. If I'd let it go and let him he'd probably be pretty happy and he's probably be pretty loving toward me. Thing is, I can't let it go. It was a deal breaker to me, but he waited ten years to finally confess so life is much more complicated. I feel trapped. Today we were having an OK day. We ran together, had lunch, then we come home and like a wave hit me. Like how can I pretend nothing happened and hang out with him? He cheated and lied to me for years. I went upstairs and laid on the bed, he walked up, looked at me and then he went to work.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> sound alot like my H. He did the SAME thing. Used to speak poorly of a guy at work for making comments about the women around the office. Turns out so did my H. So now I know, right? And so do you. I was played as well. So now we Know better. Is your H behaving differently now? Sorry, I havent read the whole thread.


Oh, and he used to talk about coworkers that cheated when they went out of town. That's what he did!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTH?!? :scratchhead:


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Its miserable and Im so sorry for you. I hate the word 'inappropriate'. My H used it in the beginning of his EA. Are you in counseling or anything? NC letter? ANYTHING?


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Do you want your relationship to continue?


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

hurtingbadly the sex thing is difficult. I too have all kinds of issues with this. And they are so random: one day I want it and can perform, the next day I am feeling dirty and wondering if he ever did anything to another woman or not? I can't seem to be consistent (really on anything).

We will have an amazing day or night and then I start to panic and he walks away. Like your running story. He can't deal with me and my emotions. He just lets me cry while he does something different.

He was my world. 21 years. My kids adore him. We tease they love him 100 times more than me because I'm the serious one who makes them do homework and the H sings songs and let them stay up late! CTU my H also made the comments about the other people who we knew that had affairs or EA (we didn't know the technical term, but would say they are too close then sure enough find out rumors of lines that were crossed). Now we are the gossip and the rumors. For my kids sake, my reputation, business, I have to put on a fake mask and pretend all is well and we are totally not rocked by my H's actions. But truth is, inside, I'm am feeling like a walking time bomb.

We went through the hysterical bonding in the beginning-actually it goes in waves. Right now it's been 2 weeks and can't seem to find the "want" for him to touch me. But he keeps saying "tonight we need our time" and then he sleeps. I'm sure it's because he can sense my fears.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Its miserable and Im so sorry for you. I hate the word 'inappropriate'. My H used it in the beginning of his EA. Are you in counseling or anything? NC letter? ANYTHING?


His EA ended almost four years ago. She quit talking to him back in 2008, they still worked together up until this past October when WS moved to another location. He's had zero contact with her since then. Really, it's been over for awhile, that is one of the only things I feel confident on. He can't stand her and hates what this has done to us. His ONS was a stranger on a business trip. He says he can't even remember what she looked like nor her name. He may be saying that to spare me. I dunno. So NC is occurring.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> As for his reasoning for lying for so long he says what were my alternatives? Tell you and you divorce me?


the response should be

"Well if I find out one more thing that you didn't tell me or what you told me is lie then I AM divorcing you"


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Why Not Be Happy? said:


> Do you want your relationship to continue?


I'm 50/50. Just when I think I can do this, I think I can't accept it. I'm in limbo and I also feel trapped. Do I let 17 years go down the drain for a drunken BJ with someone he never saw again and then a friendship that was teetering on a dangerous line? I don't know...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

This crap just SUCKS! Ingalls Im so sorry. Im sure you know the longer you go w/o sex the easier it is to just ignore it the next night. I totally understand. We didnt do ANYTHING for WEEKS. Im sure he thought he would explode but he never complained(guess that would have been brazen, huh?) Anyway, Hurting and Ingalls hang in there. Try to keep pushing thru. Sometimes, you gotta grin and bare it I think. Then it starts to get easier. The first few times we had sex after dday I hated it. Couldnt concentrate. Pushed his buttons so he would 'finish'. It slowly got better. Now it only hits me every 3rd or 4th time and only briefly so its improving and hopefully when he is away from HER it will get even better. What do you think you can do to improve the situation?


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> the response should be
> 
> "Well if I find out one more thing that you didn't tell me or what you told me is lie then I AM divorcing you"


I've told him that before. That if I go thru this hell and reconcile with him and I discover he wasn't being honest and I discover something else it will be the death blow. It has started getting out at work. So if he's not being honest with me about the coworker he is taking a serious gamble. It seems someone would have come forward by now??? 

I know his buddy will continue to cover for him with his ONS, so the BJ versus intercourse I will never really know for sure I guess.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Ingalls said:


> We will have an amazing day or night and then I start to panic and he walks away.


:iagree:

Do you think we're just scared? Like we feel like if we are enjoying ourselves something is wrong with us? :scratchhead:


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> This crap just SUCKS! Ingalls Im so sorry. Im sure you know the longer you go w/o sex the easier it is to just ignore it the next night. I totally understand. We didnt do ANYTHING for WEEKS. Im sure he thought he would explode but he never complained(guess that would have been brazen, huh?) Anyway, Hurting and Ingalls hang in there. Try to keep pushing thru. Sometimes, you gotta grin and bare it I think. Then it starts to get easier. The first few times we had sex after dday I hated it. Couldnt concentrate. Pushed his buttons so he would 'finish'. It slowly got better. Now it only hits me every 3rd or 4th time and only briefly so its improving and hopefully when he is away from HER it will get even better. What do you think you can do to improve the situation?


Well, I know he'll never receive a BJ from me again for starters...
How could I possibly do that and not think about that **** doing it for him?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> Well, I know he'll never receive a BJ from me again for starters...
> How could I possibly do that and not think about that **** doing it for him?


What is his response to that?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Do you think we're just scared? Like we feel like if we are enjoying ourselves something is wrong with us? :scratchhead:


WEll that and I think some of it is we fear taht letting them off the hook too easily, will allow for a repeat performance b/c there were no consequenses.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> What is his response to that?


He hasn't said, but he knows. I stopped giving them back in September. I think once I said to him I don't know how I'll ever be able to do that again without thinking about her doing it. And that's a true statement, it would be torture. Especially since that mind movie plays in my head all day long. He said something like but you give the best one I've ever had. He should have thought about that before he let a stranger do it for him.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> He hasn't said, but he knows. I stopped giving them back in September. I think once I said to him I don't know how I'll ever be able to do that again without thinking about her doing it. And that's a true statement, it would be torture. Especially since that mind movie plays in my head all day long. He said something like but you give the best one I've ever had. He should have thought about that before he let a stranger do it for him.


Sort of like when my H says" I loved you the whole time. I never stopped. It wasnt about you" I say "but not enough to stop you from getting involved w/her, right?" He just says " CTU, I dont have an answer for that, I really dont" So stupid. I know that I was once attracted to another guy. I recognized it and put the brakes on b/c there was NO way I was losing my H for some random guy. No Way in Hell. I told OM "It stops here, Im married, the end." So if I could do it b/c I loved him then if he 'loved me'......? So I totally understand what youre saying about "you should have thought of that before you let some stranger do it" I spent 15 years nurturing our relationship, it took her 4 mos. to ruin it. What a joke.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I'm 50/50. Just when I think I can do this, I think I can't accept it. I'm in limbo and I also feel trapped. Do I let 17 years go down the drain for a drunken BJ with someone he never saw again and then a friendship that was teetering on a dangerous line? I don't know...


i wanted to click "like" but then I thought NO I DON'T LIKE THIS I CAN "RELATE" TO THIS OR "DITTO". Can we add more buttons to these forums please.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

So....my husband just sent me flowers. Of course they are my FAVORITE white daisy's and lots of them. the card just said "I Love You." I texted him Thanks and Why...should I be worried??? He just said you are so distant from me and I don't know how to brighten your day and daisy's have always made you smile. 

Now I'm beyond confused. 

Sorry hurting...I just totally threadjacked...so no need to respond...just wanted to share! so maybe sex tonight - maybe I can put the fears and past behind me.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> Well, I know he'll never receive a BJ from me again for starters...
> How could I possibly do that and not think about that **** doing it for him?



I'll take a contrary position here


since oral was my wife and OM's "thing" as well I was very hesitant in receiving and giving oral at first

but eventually I realized that denying myself pleasure was stupid and I made it my mission to reclaim that part of our sex lives back, I just had to get in there and do it


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Ingalls said:


> So....my husband just sent me flowers. Of course they are my FAVORITE white daisy's and lots of them. the card just said "I Love You." I texted him Thanks and Why...should I be worried??? He just said you are so distant from me and I don't know how to brighten your day and daisy's have always made you smile.
> 
> Now I'm beyond confused.
> 
> Sorry hurting...I just totally threadjacked...so no need to respond...just wanted to share! so maybe sex tonight - maybe I can put the fears and past behind me.


That was nice. 
I got flowers this weekend, too.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'll take a contrary position here
> 
> 
> since oral was my wife and OM's "thing" as well I was very hesitant in receiving and giving oral at first
> ...


He's giving, he's just not receiving. I'm not denying myself pleasure, to give I think would be torture for me. That mind movie is still in my head and it replays often.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> He's giving, he's just not receiving. I'm not denying myself pleasure, to give I think would be torture for me. That mind movie is still in my head and it replays often.



well I think giving oral is pleasurable, so.....


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'll take a contrary position here
> 
> 
> since oral was my wife and OM's "thing" as well I was very hesitant in receiving and giving oral at first
> ...


In other words TAKE BACK WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS! It will be mind over matter for sure but like everything in this situation, its a decision. Do you think you could try? Could you tell him you want to try? It may take more than once to 'get thru it' but like I said earlier, the first few times after dday when we had sex I hated it. I had to concentrate on NOT crying. All I could think about was "is he thinking about her?" Now, Im 99% sure he is NOT. Your H didnt have a relationship w/her, right? IMO, you are letting her win. She had him but you are allowing her to KEEP him by not reclaiming him. Not giving him a bj keeps the last one he had fresh in his mind...


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> well I think giving oral is pleasurable, so.....


I used to enjoy making him happy in that regard, but I can't get that image out of my mind. Too painful. His fault, I won't lose any sleep over not performing that for him again. He brought that on himself. 

If anything out of this, I can say he hasn't pushed me or asked me to do it. At least he recognizes it as a major trigger for me and probably doesn't want to see me break down bawling during sex. I usually wait until after to cry. So in a weird way I guess I can say he's being sensitive in that regard?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if we were to look at the sex issue in a vacuum I would recommend that you reclaim BJ's for the reasons canttrustu stated above


however, it's not in a vacuum, there's so many other issues floating around that is essentially destroying the sex and the marriage

the biggest problem is you have a husband not willing to show remorse and do what it takes for you to heal, regain trust and re-establish intimacy. If he was doing that I think your attitude on sex would change drastically. Instead you're being defensive and rightfully so.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> In other words TAKE BACK WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS! It will be mind over matter for sure but like everything in this situation, its a decision. Do you think you could try? Could you tell him you want to try? It may take more than once to 'get thru it' but like I said earlier, the first few times after dday when we had sex I hated it. I had to concentrate on NOT crying. All I could think about was "is he thinking about her?" Now, Im 99% sure he is NOT. Your H didnt have a relationship w/her, right? IMO, you are letting her win. She had him but you are allowing her to KEEP him by not reclaiming him. Not giving him a bj keeps the last one he had fresh in his mind...


Oh, the ONS was ten years ago so he had plenty of BJs from me without me even knowing someone else had done it. It makes me sick, just ill. I just know I'll be thinking about her doing it if I did it for him. And I bet the thought will come across his mind that's what I'm thinking. I mean, I haven't done it since September. Just thinking about it makes me cry. Just thinking about it makes me want to quit everything. If I ever find out his EA was PA that will be it for me. I will not be able to be with him again.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> if we were to look at the sex issue in a vacuum I would recommend that you reclaim BJ's for the reasons canttrustu stated above
> 
> 
> however, it's not in a vacuum, there's so many other issues floating around that is essentially destroying the sex and the marriage
> ...


good point.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> if we were to look at the sex issue in a vacuum I would recommend that you reclaim BJ's for the reasons canttrustu stated above
> 
> 
> however, it's not in a vacuum, there's so many other issues floating around that is essentially destroying the sex and the marriage
> ...


How could I do that for him again? EVER?!? I can barely even get thru sex as it is. He's destroyed our bond by letting some **** come into the equation. I'm getting worked up. Ya, he's only doing three of the four signs of reconciliation. I've shown him what he needs to do, I've told him what he needs to do, but he still slips and becomes angry and defensive, walks away in the middle of my talking or worse blames shifts me. This weekend, just when I thought he was listening and answering my questions he flipped out of nowhere.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Long term if you're going to stay with him withholding bjs will breed resentment

But I'm sorry to say I don't think it's going to survive if it continues the way it has been and not because of bjs


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> How could I do that for him again? EVER?!? I can barely even get thru sex as it is. He's destroyed our bond by letting some **** come into the equation. I'm getting worked up. Ya, he's only doing three of the four signs of reconciliation. I've shown him what he needs to do, I've told him what he needs to do, but he still slips and becomes angry and defensive, walks away in the middle of my talking or worse blames shifts me. This weekend, just when I thought he was listening and answering my questions he flipped out of nowhere.


Ok, I take back what I said earlier. He doesnt deserve your efforts unless and until he stops rug sweeping and blameshifting. Sounds like you maybe need to do the 180 and see an attorney.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Ok, I take back what I said earlier. He doesnt deserve your efforts unless and until he stops rug sweeping and blameshifting. Sounds like you maybe need to do the 180 and see an attorney.



Ding! We have a winner!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

yes. Im so so sorry. I know its hard to hear. But sometimes its the only way. If my H shows ANY signs of these behaviors again I will immediately see an attorney as hard as that will be. He has one chance only. He is out of the fog and is moving forward. If your H refuses then you have NO option. Im so sorry.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Hi to all you beautiful women posters on this thread that feel bad about their H going for some young thing or trade-in......

And -10 points for thinking your years of devotion were for nothing because your H decided to be a lower-functioning buttface instead of honoring you faith and loyal commitment.

Its not your fault at all!! You should never feel sorry for giving your heart and believing in another person enough to honor your vows all those years. That is a gift that can never be taken from you. A gift that was not appreciated but was freely given in good faith. 

Also you are not throwing away 17 years or 20 years or whatever....your WSs are the ones doing that.

Being in your 40's and beyond does not mean you are ready to be traded in!!! Lord knows I was a big mess and didn't get it together as an adult until I was 26! Lots of women don't even mature to their full beauty till way past their 20s. When I was a baby worker at 21 in the mall, I modeled for free for my store. The woman who organized these events, I will NEVER forget.

She was late 40s/early 50's and easily the most beautiful and elegant woman I have ever met then or since. She taught me how to dress and how to walk. She exuded confidence and I can tell you, EVERY girl who worked on my floor dreamed of being her when they grew up enough to be able to pull off that kind of sophistication.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Not sure how I do that... I've been a SAHM for years and have been looking for a job, employment gap is too huge, have gotten no hits. I don't know how I can pay for the divorce or supporting the kids and I. How?!? Even my mom says I'm screwed and need to try to stay. He's making less this year, I'm not sure what I'd even get. He's made some stupid choices. I feel trapped. His mom is crazy, tells him I'm abusive for even bothering him with questions?!? It's my fault he's depressed. She'd make a divorce hell with no regard for her own grandchildren. They have money and would pay for his attorney, a good one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> Not sure how I do that... I've been a SAHM for years and have been looking for a job, employment gap is too huge, have gotten no hits. I don't know how I can pay for the divorce or supporting the kids and I. How?!? Even my mom says I'm screwed and need to try to stay. He's making less this year, I'm not sure what I'd even get. He's made some stupid choices. I feel trapped. His mom is crazy, tells him I'm abusive for even bothering him with questions?!? It's my fault he's depressed. She'd make a divorce hell with no regard for her own grandchildren. They have money and would pay for his attorney, a good one.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Being a SAHM for how long? You would be entitled to spousal support for a short readjustment time period no matter how good his lawyers are. Children under 18? You are entitled to support for them also, again, no matter if he has an army of lawyers.

Is there a law school in your area? If so, many have clinics and pro-bono requirements for graduates and you can get help there. Forget about the economy, you only need one job. 10% unemployment means 90% of people have jobs. The odds are actually in your favor!

You have to believe that things might not turn out as badly as you think.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

14 years at home, 2 of those years I worked part time as a preschool teacher. Kids are 14 and 11. Been married 17 years, only 2 years of college. How can he pay if money is already tight? I've also wondered if I'm better getting a job now or waiting in case we divorce. Like am I better going into court as a SAHM? I'm telling you, his mom will make this ugly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Women before you have survived divorce and they will survive after you

Don't look to reasons why you shouldn't leave him, look for answers instead


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> 14 years at home, 2 of those years I worked part time as a preschool teacher. Kids are 14 and 11. Been married 17 years, only 2 years of college. How can he pay if money is already tight? I've also wondered if I'm better getting a job now or waiting in case we divorce. Like am I better going into court as a SAHM? I'm telling you, his mom will make this ugly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, sweetheart, I am telling you, you got it all. Stop selling yourself short. 17 years?? Suborning your career to dedicate your life to raising a family with him??? 2 children in school? Over 10 years usually gets you something in the spousal support department under these conditions. Don't worry about how he's gonna pay it! Not your problem! Just worry about getting a court order if that's what you want.

If MIL is a problem, then keep all this quiet till you are really ready to do it. I know she can try but, so what, so can you. Give yourself time and don't do ANYTHING till you really make a decision. 

First step is a separation packet. That agreement comes with the divorce packet, at least in my state. Says if any maintenance payments will be made, who stays in the marital home, where the children will reside, child support (all temporary) till the divorce is final.

You have rights and resources. Again, get out of your own way. Just cool down and gather your thoughts. You have a lot more going for you than you think. I think you have internalized your H's level of respect for you. He may not have respected your years together and the children of the marriage, but the court will consider the needs of his dependent family, even if he does not.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

ParachuteOn said:


> Oh, sweetheart, I am telling you, you got it all. Stop selling yourself short. 17 years?? Suborning your career to dedicate your life to raising a family with him??? 2 children in school? Over 10 years usually gets you something in the spousal support department under these conditions. Don't worry about how he's gonna pay it! Not your problem! Just worry about getting a court order if that's what you want.
> 
> If MIL is a problem, then keep all this quiet till you are really ready to do it. I know she can try but, so what, so can you. Give yourself time and don't do ANYTHING till you really make a decision.
> 
> ...


OK, thanks. It's very scary.


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