# Wife of 25 years in affair with other woman



## fpm100 (Jul 26, 2012)

Sorry Long Post. My first...

My wife and I had an amazing 25 years of 28 years of marriage with a robust sexual life and a mutual love and respect. We had been very close and I adore her parents and my extended family. We were married at 24 years old and she was always the true love of my life. But like most marriages, time had taken a toll and we were beginning to have some issues. 

My wife was best friends with a woman for five years. The woman was unhappy in her marriage and she claimed that she was going to work with my wife in helping to strengthen their respective marriages. After 3 kids and lots of issues, my wife and I were growing farther apart. This woman and my wife were very involved in our church. They spent lots of time together, but I felt my wife really liked her and that I was not going to impact their relationship. In fact I began to support it. They would go to concerts, I would drive, they went on mission trips, I would pay, they went to dinner I would provide the credit card. The woman and I began to become friends. We played tennis doubles (without my wife) often and I helped tutor her children in math. I became friends with her mother and father because she would invite my wife and I over her house for functions. I really supported the friendship and considered her a supporter of our marriage. 

Finally, a year ago, my sister in law told me that their was a rumor that my wife and this woman were having an affair. I told my sister in law to please stop starting rumors because after 28 years there was no way that my wife was sexually involved with another woman. Well you know how this story ends. I later found out that this woman had lesbian relationships in the past (significantly impacting her marriage) and was in the process of coming out as a lesbian. Not only were they sexually involved, they had shared rings (removing my wedding ring in the process) and had discussed getting married. I had been paying my wife’s tuition to go back to school for a career change and they were planning to run off together when the time was right. 

The biggest issue however was we had teenage and college aged children. She did not want to devastate the children and have my son scarred for life. I went through my house and found countless, cards and letters, I went through emails and saw all of these explicit sexual and intimate messages. When I confronted my wife she lied and told me that this woman had tried to kiss her and that she was unsure how she felt about this. The truth was that they had been in a sexual relationship at that point for over a year. I knew we were rarely having sex and I was going through a depression after both of my parents died. However, I must admit that I did not see this coming. My wife told me that she wanted to stay in our marriage until my 15 year old son entered college. I was devastated 

When we went to counseling, I told the counselor that I wanted to save our marriage and she told the counselor that she just wanted peace. I could not believe her goal in counseling was not to save our marriage. When I told her a condition of us trying for a year was she end her relationship with this woman, she refused. She said that she would end the sexual nature, but this woman was her best friend and she could not devastate her. This woman from the correspondence was still madly in love with my wife and would send her notes saying how much she missed her and loved her. I was obsessed with going through the house to find notes and text messages. Each message made me sicker and sicker. 

My counselor told me that if I wanted to save our marriage, that I would have to do the heavy lifting. And I did. Walks in the park, family cruises, poems, love letters, surprises. Slowly the sexuality returned to our marriage but not like before. One of the ways that she was caught was that she was caught kissing this woman in public. My wife is germ phobic and she had stopped kissing me over 10 years ago. So the thought of her kissing this woman and wearing rings from this woman sickened me. Now over a year has passed. I have just allowed my wife to go abroad for a week with a girl friend for a writers workshop. The relationship with this woman that she had the affair has dramatically changed. But she still text her, sees her at church, goes out to the occasional lunch and frequently telephones her. I had forgiven and was willing to accept that type of relationship until I learned that this woman was still telling my wife how much she misses and loves her. I have now asked my wife to end all contact with this woman. She is not sure she can do it. She thinks I am being unreasonable because they are “just best friends”. I know there is no longer a sexual relationship. My wife claims that she is not lesbian. She felt very close to this woman and somehow the relationship crossed the line. She wished that it hadn’t because her friendship with this woman is way more important that any sexual relationship they may have had . 

I have to see this woman every Sunday at my church. When I see her all I see is her with my wife. All I see is how she deceived me into thinking she was my friend when actually she was trying to take my wife from me. She claimed to be a strong christian. When I went to her and asked her to back down, she refused. I know my wife loves me but she clearly wants to stay friends with this woman. I am so confused because at 52 years old, I deserve someone that is really into me. But most of all, I do not want my 16 year old son to be emotionally scarred. I feel sick. Sorry for the length of this post but thank you for the vent.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

start by reading the newbie link in my signature

so sorry you are here


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

fpm100 said:


> My counselor told me that if I wanted to save our marriage, that I would have to do the heavy lifting.



and get a new counselor, this one is terrible


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

You don't even need a counselor untill your wife stops all contact with her lover. If she can't do that, you have no chance of saving anything - you feel it yourself already, you think about what they are up to whenever they text or chat, don't you? this will continue.

So, no contact with "friend" is first step. If she refuses, just serve her with divorce papers and ask her to pursue happyness whith her new significant other.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

yeah I missed that part, until you get NC the affair isn't over


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

So sorry you are here. First off, they must stop seeing each other, and your wife needs to do the heavy lifting. I think you are a bit confused just because the other person is a woman. so just pretend that instead of another woman it is another man. Does that change your perspective? I learned the hard way that you cannot control another person. You want to save the marriage, but she obviously does not. She wants you to support her until SHE is ready to move on. Remember, your kids will some day (if not already) know the truth, what will they think of their dad? That he was some dufus who didnt even have the ba**s to say enough?! Dont pay for her crap, dont support her habit....and finally NO trips with another woman! OMG! If she had had an affair with another man, would you have sent her on a trip with ANOTHER man. Stay on this site, listen and ACT on the advice given, those on here know about what they say!


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I don't know if there is much you can do at this stage, if she remains 
" friends " with this *woman*.
I fully understand your angst,because of what this woman professes to be in your church.
But if you want t o have a fighting chance,
*EXPOSE THE ENTIRE AFFAIR !*
She has your wife FULLY UNDER HER CONTROL.She is a seducer.

Yes your son and family life will be disrupted, but your wife is under the emotional fog this woman has wrapped her head in.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> My counselor told me that if I wanted to save our marriage, that I would have to do the heavy lifting.


This idiot got his credentials in a cereal card-box... 

This woman has checked out of your marriage. Emotionally and physically. You need to start doing the 180 thing.


----------



## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

With regard to exposure, use this church you were talking about.

Since you said that mission work was one of the things that brought these two together, the church should have a role in ending the affair.

I was thinking of the pastor taking the pulpit and promising hellfire, but perhaps the pastor can speak to your wife and the OW privately.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I have someone very close to me that went down the same road. First the A is not over. Maybe not a PA but it is still an EA. Your wife is in a fog and will continue to be in the fog until something shakes her up

I get wanting to R. My wife had an affair after 28 years of marriage. we are trying to R right now and we seem to be moving forward.

Your wife has to go no contact. Tell her it is you and you only or hit the pavement. I would switch churches but at the least you need to tell your minister everything

Your kids are old enough tell them what Mom has done and is doing. Yes it will hurt but I bet they will find out anyway. Expose this to the rest of your family and friends.

You know it has been sexual did you get checked out for STD's? I bet not. Also since she has been allowed contact with that POS are you really sure that it still is not sexual?

Also do the 180 and do it now. Also dump the MC and get a new one.

Good Luck


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You wife has already shown you the #1 tool that would help in ending her affair: Exposure. 

she dreads it, she fears it, because she knows it will cost her the affair. 

She doesn't want to loose your family or your children. She doesn't want the AP exposed not because she's lesbian, but because the OW is someone who goes after other people's spouses. She a cheater and from the story has cheated for years and years in her own marriage.

So exposure of the affair to the church and to the close friends/family would be very very effective at shocking your wife and to call her out for cheating like she did, and is continuing through her EA.

BTW - how do you actually know if they haven't met up during the past year? How do you know they didn't meet up in Europe? From the poor position the horrible advice from the counselor, I bet your wife has given you zero transparency, has she? So you have only her "word" that no physical affair is going on still.

- Has she taken off the affair ring and put your marriage ring back on ?

- Has she given you all her passwords and access to her phone texts?

From what I can figure out, the counselor essentially instructed you to: 1) not bring up the affair to your wife 2) ask no questions 3) demand no transparency 4) impose no consequences 5) Just rug sweep it

In other words the counselor told you to nearly just let it keep going - with the one compromise that your wife would be asked not to see the OW for sex.

Is that about it? Because that is truly foolish advice you were given, and you've seen the results haven't you. Your wife is still in the affair, she still won't stop contact, she hasn't returned to your marriage, and she won't even kiss you! 

You need a significant change of plan. The fact the your wife is cheating with another woman doesn't change the way to tackle the affair at all. It's still your wife choosing another person to cheat with.


1. You expose the affair
2. You demand that she returns to the marriage and commits to you or you file D.
3. You monitor her for when she breaks NC. You monitor her phone/mail etc. You monitor where she's at and who she is with.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

All above are good advice.

You should expose her female lover (and her) to all. Dont feel embarrassed about your wife's affair. Other people already know about it. You were told about it, so it's not a secret anymore. It's better if you control the message of what is being told. 

Finance. You need to prepare yourself. Especially since you are now in your fifties? Recovery from such an impact would be harder -- goes without saying, right?

Start isolating your finances from your wife. Move the money into your own account. Dont create any joint debts. Remove yourself from any joint accounts, loans, etc.

Stop supporting her now.

Change the beneficiary on your life insurance, terms, etc...

As you mentioned, she's has been preparing to leave you for her lover for quite a while. I wouldnt be surprised if she has already been socking away money in a separate account.

Prepare yourself now. In the event you need to divorce and move on, the finance and assets should be of less concern.

Learn to detach -- it'll help.


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

fpm you came her for advice. It has been excellent. You can mamby pamby around here and whine or take action. If you do not take action prepare yourself to settle into the status quo and pretend all is well and that you are doing yourself and your kids a favor.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you really want your wife back, you need to go further, than others here have suggested----you need to give her reality

She is 52, and unless she makes a great living on her own---if she has her bankroll cut off---she is gonna suffer

I doubt if her lover can really care for her, and as I said unless your wife already works, at 52, she probably can't even get a job, in today's economy

You need to be harsh, but if you want this mge to stay, then harsh it must be

Cut her off financially completely, money, credit cards, and anything else that would help her to live in the lifestyle you have given her

Tell her she is now responsible for half of each and every bill, and and all insurance payments---car and mortgage payments, and the necessaries for everyday living.

Let her see what life is really like when you have to be responsible to pay bills, and make it in the real world

Your wife faces none of that, does she---she comes and goes as she pleases, and has a great lifestyle, that includes you doing everything, vacations, family gatherings, events, she has a great life---and she loves another woman, during the "all" of it.

Move her out of the marital bedroom, put her in a small room, somewhere in your house, and throw her clothes into that room also----let her live as if she was in a small apartment---let her see what it will be like

Look, you both are 52, you are less than 10 years from basically starting your golden years, where most, if not all of your time will be spent together---you cannot go into that period with a wife, who wants someone else in her life, and she wants that someone else as a lover-----YOU WILL LIVE THRU THE REST OF YOUR DAYS IN MISERY

You HAVE to put a stop to this now---unfortunately, you have few weapons to fight with----2 of them are harshness/reality, and D/threat of D.-------now is the time these things have to be implemented

What you are doing now IS NOT WORKING---she just goes merrily along enjoying her lifestyle, while you live in misery----------IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO DRAW YOUR LINE IN THE SAND


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Well two options one do the 180 and try to save your marriage. If your wife refuses to stop talkling to the OW kick her out. Why are you letting this cheater live with you. She is still cheating and fully admits to continuing the EA. Why are you letting her dictate how your marriage is going to go when she has already checked out. You are making this easy for her to leave you. Do you really now want to be married to this woman. From your actions you don't you just want to play nice until she walks right out that door. 

Your other option is to divorce her. This OW is a homewrecker and will likely move on once the fun wears off with your wife.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw there have been other posters here in similar situations , one exposed big time and took a hard line with his wife and she woke up and dropped the affair like a hot potato. I do not recall the posters name but it was within the last year here on TAM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Yes, there was another forum member in your situation, he was successful in ending the A. The OW tried to make it a contest of wills. He deleted his thread when he was successful, which is too bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

FPM,

The recent research into the subject indicates that the vast majority of women are somewhere on a bisexual continuum. Unfortunately, at various times in their lives, they don't stay put, but move up and down the bi scale. This means a "totally straight" woman can turn into a rug muncher overnight.

Bottomline: you have to treat this affair exactly the same way as you would approach your wife's affair with a man. Start to detach, Expose, take up bodybuilding, buy a Harley, start looking good for the women. In short, start moving away from her in a clear and deliberate manner while exposing the affair. As for your church, see Jesus' instructions in Matthew 18. If your church is unwilling to do this, it's time to change churches.

Check out the book "Married Man Sex Life," which is about projecting an attitude that maintains attraction over the long haul.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

First, drop the current MC. The MC clearly does not understand how to deal with infidelity.

Second, your wife told you her plan. She wants to use you as a meal ticket for a few more years and then she will leave you for the other woman (OW). You saw this in written and she told you this to your face. Right now she is cake eating and leading you on with crumbs of sex as she continues down this path. She is at the very least maintaining an emotional affair (EA) with this other woman (OW) until the time is right to leave you. You need to get on with your life, you are not getting any younger. You have a right to know who you will be growing old with as your wife already knows who she is growing old with and it is not you. 

If you want any chance at saving your marraige you must be willing to end it. Time is not on your side and the odds are not in your favor. Being willing to leave her is not your best chance at saving your marraige, it is your only chance. Tell her that she must decide on either you and your marraige or the OW and divorce. Tell her that she must decide right now and agree to total no contact (NC) with the OW and full transparency (passwords on all accounts etc.). No more thinking about it. You need to hear from her a firm commitment to you and your marraige. Tell her that if she does not give you an an answer that this will be treated the same as a no to committing to you and your marraige, and you will file. You must say it and mean it. She will probably call your bluff and not treat this as real until she is served and the reality hits her. I am sorry that you are here.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Look, you are in the BS fog. Come out of the denial and get the D started. 1. stop paying for her schooling. 2. Drop the MC. If you have been here and read some threads you know what you are doing is wasting money that could go toward rebuilding your life. In writing an face to face you now she only wants to stay for finance and son, not you. You know EXPOSURE was your most effective weapon, but used your son as a reason to waste money and stay.

Well if you are still going to rug sweep, at least make her get school loans , stipulating in writing this is not a marrital debt.
In fact, you should have separated finance by now. She has told you she WON'T be there once your son is gone. So are you making her pay her way toward household bills and things??

In 3 yrs. you WILL be alone and poorer money wise bc you stayed in denial, thinking things will change, without actively doing anything to end the affair.
She just wants peace until she is ready to go, then she will come after every dime you have. This after you payed for her schooling.
Everyone in that church should be told how his woman is a home wrecker and your wife a cheater. 

REPEAT: FIRE MC !!


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

FPM,

You really have gotten great advice. You see how your relationship is lacking. 

So follow everyone's advice and expose, expose, espose.

And thank your SIL. She was not crazy and had you really listened to her and not your wife's BS you could have stopped her crap earlier.

Your wife will accuse of seeking revenge. Tell her you are trying to save your marriage.

It is disrespectful to you, the family and your marriage that your wife wants to keep the relationship with the BFF. She is keeping the A.

And the OW is no christian. She is an adulterer.

No go scorch some earth and take back your marriage.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I’d like to take a different point of view here. I want to say that your wife’s affair with this woman is NOT like an affair with a man. I’m also going to go out on a limb here and say that your marriage cannot be saved. I say this from personal experience as I have a cousin who was in the same position as your wife and I know how that situation played out.

I’d like to propose that your wife in fact could have been gay all along and that she was doing everything she was supposed to do, according to society, without question, for 25 years … until she met this “Friend”. Through this Friend she now found her true sexuality. I can see this by your posting when you said: “they had shared rings (removing my wedding ring in the process) and had discussed getting married.” This isn’t a FOG my friend; this is something a little more “primal”. Consider the possibility that she had found her true self and her future doesn’t have you in it. She is only interested in completing her obligations with you as evidenced by her telling you “she wanted to stay in our marriage until my 15 year old son entered college” (and maybe take you for some cash for her college), but you have out lived your usefulness.

I’m not saying what she did was right or what she did was not hurtful. When my cousin did it, it devastated her husband and children and ultimately she broke contact with the whole family for 20 years (things were different with gay couples 20 years ago). All I’m saying is that, if I’m right about your wife, your marriage is not salvageable and any heavy lifting you do will be in vain. If I were in your shoes, I would start steps to protect your children and your assets. I agree with the others about exposing the affair to anyone who will listen; you shouldn’t make it easy for her. If you live in an area like the “Bible Belt” this will cause her serious grief (if you live in New York, they’ll pin a medal on your wife and cast you out). Anyway, continue to gather evidence to strengthen your position and see a lawyer to start divorce proceedings.

I do hope I’m wrong here and your wife is just going through a difficult time … but somehow, I doubt it. You can compete with another Penis but not with a Vagina.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> You can compete with another Penis but not with a Vagina.


The problem with this idea is:



Stolen from the Internets said:


> Diamond(2000b)found that a significant number of lesbian-identified college women change their self-labeling to bisexual or heterosexual over a five year period. Moreover, these women do not 'disavow' their former lesbian identity and are open to the possibility of sexual change in their futures.
> 
> The IPG internet study reveals an even more complex picture. 75% of the 231 self-identified lesbians had had one or more male sex partners, and 63% report sexual attractions to men; three of them were in relationships with men at the time they completed the survey.
> But 52% of the 132 self-identified heterosexual women reported sexual attractions to women, 22% had at least one female sexual partner, and one was currently in a relationship with a woman. If one were to define sexual orientation in terms of capacity for sexual attraction, the majority of these self-labeled lesbian and heterosexual
> women would technically be bisexual.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am so sorry that you are here. I think your situation is more dire than you suspect given your wife's previous actions/words. If you do nothing else:

1) Fire your MC He/She doesn't know the first thing about infidelity and certainly is il-equiped to help you.

2) Read *Not "just Friends"* by Dr. Shirely Glass, arguably the definitive work on affairs. You wife is still in an affair with this woman , whether you recognize it or not.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> The problem with this idea is:


I read what you posted earlier and for the OP's sake, I hope I'm wrong, but I'm not buying a Bisexual experimentation or fling in this case; not a woman in her 50's. We are just going to have to agree to disagree.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I read what you posted earlier and for the OP's sake, I hope I'm wrong, but I'm not buying a Bisexual experimentation or fling in this case; not a woman in her 50's. We are just going to have to agree to disagree.


It would not surprise me if you were right. Perhaps she feels she has too much to lose by definitively leaving her family and choosing her lover. So she thinks she can have both. 

Cake-eating: wouldn't be the first time.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I read what you posted earlier and for the OP's sake, I hope I'm wrong, but I'm not buying a Bisexual experimentation or fling in this case; not a woman in her 50's. We are just going to have to agree to disagree.


Nothing in either of those is about a fling. What the research says is that women appear to be on a moving continuum and respond to the individual more than that individual's sex.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

OldWolf57 said:


> REPEAT: FIRE MC !!


:iagree:

Yet another POS MC doing more damage for a marriage. Its like they get their degrees/licenses out of a cereal box or something.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

costa200 said:


> This idiot got his credentials in a cereal card-box...
> 
> This woman has checked out of your marriage. Emotionally and physically. You need to start doing the 180 thing.


The MC made, in my opinion, a bad decision. However, he probably based his decision on his judgement on the wife, that she was a weak person who would do nothing to save the marriage.

After all she equated sexual relations with a woman, taking off her husband's wedding ring, replacing it with a ring from the OW (in her mind, a divorce?) wanting to leave her husband for this woman and marrying this woman and living with her in a lesbian relationship to, somehow, *not* being a lesbian.

The MC knew that only the husband was committed enough to the marriage to do any lifting at all, heavy or otherwise.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I’d like to take a different point of view here. I want to say that your wife’s affair with this woman is NOT like an affair with a man. I’m also going to go out on a limb here and say that your marriage cannot be saved. I say this from personal experience as I have a cousin who was in the same position as your wife and I know how that situation played out.
> 
> I’d like to propose that your wife in fact could have been gay all along and that she was doing everything she was supposed to do, according to society, without question, for 25 years … until she met this “Friend”. Through this Friend she now found her true sexuality. I can see this by your posting when you said: “they had shared rings (removing my wedding ring in the process) and had discussed getting married.” This isn’t a FOG my friend; this is something a little more “primal”. Consider the possibility that she had found her true self and her future doesn’t have you in it. She is only interested in completing her obligations with you as evidenced by her telling you “she wanted to stay in our marriage until my 15 year old son entered college” (and maybe take you for some cash for her college), but you have out lived your usefulness.
> 
> ...


When I was in my 20s, my then girl friend left me for a woman. I knew there was nothing I could do. So, though it was painful, let her go.


----------

