# Shiny new miserable marriage.



## briton (Sep 22, 2012)

hey all,
I've been married for 2 months, and i am so depressed. I cannot explain how absolutely miserable I am. I've struggled with severe (near suicidal) depression for more than 6 years, and I am scared that my marriage has hurt it, not helped it. I feel like I just want to end my life.
the problems that occur in my marriage are these:
1. He doesn't want to do anything with me. He doesn't want to go out on dates EVER, and when he does, they don't feel special because I have to BEG him to go out with me... We fight whenever we do go on dates because he is so mad about having to go on one.
2. We both have full time jobs, but I feel like I am the only one who is doing anything. I clean the whole apartment, and do the shopping and paperwork and food making. Always me. My day starts at 4:00 am and ends whenever everything is done. Whenever he DOES do anything, he acts COMPLETELY incompetent and complains to the extent that I have to come fix it anyways.
3. He ignores me. He seriously will just let me cry when I am upset. I attempted hanging myself from the shower curtain rod shortly before we got married, and had a break down for 2 1/2 hours before he even acknowledged me. and that's how it always is. Me, being alone. I know it's hard to deal with me when am depressed, but I'd like to think somebody in this world, especially my husband, cares about me.
4. He constantly wants sex. I know he is looking at porn, KNOW, and he still says "Idon't want to tell you because it's awkward and Private!!!" yeah, that's the answer right there. So he will come to me, all the time, and just try and start having sex with me. There is no romance, no love, and it's not tender. He will tell me my breath stinks, or that I'm not doing it right, and act like it is a complete burden. if it's such a hassle for you, why do you constantly harass me for it????
5. i have no friends. I gave up college and moved here to be with him. My job is a dead end and I seriously have no future. I have no one to talk to, anytime i try to talk to my parents, they will say that it's my fault, and make him out to be a saint for marrying me, because no one else would want to be with me.
6. he keeps saying we have no money, but we do. He just spends it on his car, or video games. He buys video games ALL THE TIME. and that is the only thing he wants to do with me. Play video games... when we do play together, he yells at me because I am not very good, and i cant read his mind and do what he wants.
7. Whenever I bring an issue up to him he automatically interrupts me, says that I am attacking him, and says that I am yelling at him. Now I am not the yelling type, I don't EVER yell. and i understand that attacking someone in a conversation automatically puts it at a halt. I don't attack him. He just starts going defensive and saying that I am the bad person. He makes all these confusing statements that completely contradict each other just to get me to drop the issue.
8. I have been to the doctor to try and fix my meds. I am currently on wellbutrin and that helps greatly... I just dont think these meds can fix all of these problems.

I just want to kill myself. The only person I have in this world is my husband, and when i lay it all out like this, I can see just how much he really hates me. Divorce is not an option. he has been divorced once and i KNOW that he wont let me divorce him. I have asked him to please go to counseling and he wont.
I don't know what to do, and I feel like I am at my wit's end. I don't know how much longer I can take it before I end it.


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## FRANC (Mar 2, 2012)

I am so sorry for your situation, i cannot imagine how you must feel.

I must ask you....why did you marry this man? He sounds abusive, selfish, cruel even...i realize you have issues but did you really need to marry him?

If you really feel suicidal please call a help line just to talk to someone who will be gentle and patient with you.

You say divorce is not an option, but it really is...please value yourself and don't settle for such an awful life. Go see an attorney.

You need space and time to work on your own problems, without having to live with this selfish a$$.


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## briton (Sep 22, 2012)

Franc,
I married him because when we met he seemed like a really good guy. we'd laugh a lot and he made me feel smart. Now he just makes me feel stupid. when we met i was in a really dark place prior to him. I was hurting so bad, and praying that my life would end, and he came into my life and it felt like he was there to help me. We did laugh, and we did have a good time, but i kept justifying his problems because I thought maybe he was depressed too. I know that's not the case now. He is happy with himself and happy with his life. His friends and coworkers constantly congratulate him on how "hot" his wife is, and so it's important for him to make it seem like we are happy, and that he snagged me... he will treat me like I am some dumb stupid trophy when we are in social situations. When in reality no other guy will take me when they find out how messed up and miserable i am. i have been in soooooo many relationships, and many of them were abusive. And a lot of the others the guy would just leave me. My husband made it very clear that he would NEVER leave me. That made me feel comfortable, and secure, but now i see that I am more alone than I have ever been.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You got the same old, same old ... but he was just able to make it look more inticing. You grabbed the bait.

Ever heard the saying, "Starving people make poor shoppers"? It applies in your circumstance.

Getting better is an inside job. In order to quit making the same mistake, you need to get help for yourself; i.e., your "insides."

Trying to hang yourself was a scream for attention. This is not the way a husband and wife get one another's attention.

My heart goes out to you, because I know what it is to go through the black hole of depression. And it caused me to have a broken "man-picker."

Get into counseling with a psychiatrist. The right meds will help. Talking about the pain you experience will help.

Get yourself on a path to recovery first, then deal with the husband. 

From what you are saying, he sounds like a user/abuser. I don't know him, and I'm only hearing your side, so that is JMO.

Just because someone promises never to leave you does not make them a keeper. Yeah, he may never leave .... as long as he has a victim.

Please get into counseling. You need to learn to value yourself and then you can set boundaries. If you can't afford counseling, there are free alternatives available through your county or state social services agencies. 

You deserve so much more. Take it from someone who lived with the hell of depression for a long time.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Isnt it possible to get an annulment at only two months? Seems you would be better off alone, and could address your issues on your own terms.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What are you doing to help yourself? Are you getting counselling? Because as much of a jerk or ass your husband is, it sounds like your issues will follow you right out the door.

C


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

briton said:


> hey all,
> I've been married for 2 months, and i am so depressed. I cannot explain how absolutely miserable I am. I've struggled with severe (near suicidal) depression for more than 6 years, and I am scared that my marriage has hurt it, not helped it. I feel like I just want to end my life.
> the problems that occur in my marriage are these:
> 1. He doesn't want to do anything with me. He doesn't want to go out on dates EVER, and when he does, they don't feel special because I have to BEG him to go out with me... We fight whenever we do go on dates because he is so mad about having to go on one.
> ...


Im going to give you a hard time, not because i have anything against you but because i feel youre only looking at your husbands problems and missing yourself. I bet he can be a jerk but i bet youre not perfect either, so think how your actions can be causing issues as well.

1. Are you doing things he enjoys when you go out? Make sure you dont just go to a chick flick every time, do something he enjoys like a ball game. Try to find stuff you both enjoy. Also be sure to reward him, speaking from a guys point of view, nothings worse than having to go out on one of these "dates", pay for over priced food, sit through 2 hours of a insanely boring movie, you hold hands, open the car door, giver her your jacket, all of that romantic stuff, etc...finally get home and at the end of the night you get home and she goes that was fun, hops into bed and falls asleep...BORING! Lets all be honest here, guys do the boring date night stuff but they expect sexy time for compensation. 

2. Acting incompetent is a trick people use to get out fo doing something, i pretend i cant fold laundry, my wife pretends she cant start the lawn mower. I know youre busy, but make sure the stuff youre doing NEEDS to be done. Also dont interrupt him with chores every 20 min, do everything at once then be done for the night. My wife and i dont do chores during the week, we let the house become a mess and then clean on weekends, it works best with our busy work schedules.

3. My wife loves to have her breakdowns right as im climbing into bed at midnight when i have to be up at 6am, i love her but guess what, im not going to sit there and have a 2 hour long convo with you, im tired, shes tired, just go to bed and deal with it tomorrow.

4. Most guys want sex...a lot, and if they dont get it a reasonable amount they will find other methods & means. My wife hates it and wants me to stop looking at porn, i promised i would stop as long as she made and effort to have sex more often, it worked for awhile but it became to much of a hassle for her and she stopped so i went back to my other means. he is filling a need, if you want him to stop, fill that void.

5. I moved 3 hours from my family and friends, i was very lonely for awhile, but i joined a local sports team and have made a group of friends, once a month they even have a guys night and they invite me, its alot of fun. You should try and look for friends with common interests.

6. Money is a tough subject, my wife and i used to argue, finally i took over all control of the finances and its worked great. She can see the accounts if she wants but just gets stressed about money. At the end of the month i type a email, summarizing, savings, expenses, and most importantly how much we can spend that month. Remember that he works too and if he wants to "waste" money on his car or video games he can, as long as its not making you go bankrupt or something.

7. Even if you aren't "yelling" sometimes your attitude is just as bad. I know theres times when no matter what i do my wife will nag and comment in a negative way. Like last night i got "yelled" at, aka nagged for taking to long to carry in the groceries, i was carrying 1 bag per hand, she felt i needed to carry 2 per hand....wtf does it matter if i carry 1 or 2 bags in my hand. Comments like that are just pointless and cause unnecessary tension! Sure i would have saved a couple minutes in time but we spent that long upset with each other and i said fine you carry the darn bags and walked away. All because of how many bags i was carrying...

8. Not much to say on the meds, i know first hand dealing with doctors and medicine are stressful. Also, i would see a therapist, you do seem to be strugglign with depression and threatening to kill yourself means you are a long way from being mentally healthy. Its nothing to be ashamed of, alot of people struggle with it and everyone goes through dark times in their lives, luckly the day and age we live in we are able to treat the condition and better our lives. I wish you the best of luck!


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## ohlife (Oct 4, 2012)

Wow, we have a lot in common. I'm a newly wed as well, maybe I can give you a little help, or at least help you feel less alone. 

before I begin, I'd like to respond to Toshiba2020's sentence: "..BORING! Lets all be honest here, guys do the boring date night stuff but they expect sexy time for compensation." 
How is this helping at all? This woman is already riddled with the assumption that he doesn't care about her having a nice time, unless it's for sex. Confirming that he is indeed completely selfish won't help at all. 

That said, back to briton, it's hard to weigh up a situation without knowing about the positive reasons you're staying in this marriage, if for anything other than embarrassment at only being 2 months in. It's easy to lose sight of the reasons you're together when conflict arises. This conflict almost always arises because of how differently male and female brains think, and how hard it is to appreciate the other's perspective when you're both too busy being protective of your own person. It's highly likely that there are certain fears he has that are behind his behaviors, but he's a man and less fluent in understanding and communicating his own emotions, so finding out what that is may be a long road. We often say that and lose some respect for them, but focusing on where my husband flourishes in ways that I can't helps a lot (that's further down the track though).

My husband never wants to go out either, he only wants to play video games with me too (I oblige like none other, but I'm still my own person..), he has ignored me when I'm on the verge of suicide and howling hysterically for hours, he'll play games for every single moment he isn't eating or consuming some other form of media, mine actually never wants sex and rejects my advances but watches porn because it's less stressful, I gave up my whole family and moved to a country I don't prefer to be with him, he also gets immediately defensive about topics that don't even involve him and can fly into a rage over anything- especially me stammering about my feelings, everything stresses him out and his stress causes his whole body chronic pains that require me to massage them every night. Listing all that was so that you can see how I can relate to you, but I think making mental lists of all the ways in which a man isn't caring for us too often could also be our own short-coming. Bear with me. 

When you mentioned your unsupportive parents, I suspect that you may have grown up without adequate love. this leaves people very lacking in trust, harboring a subconscious belief that others are not capable of loving them properly. marriage requires a lot of intimacy, and when that intimacy is lacking, a mistrustful brain becomes hypervigilant about gathering evidence to make sure you protect yourself from danger- the danger being your husband. This is why, I think, so many women either nag or get depressed. But lots of men are very, very capable of loving wonderfully. We just haven't been educated about how they think. What we do directly affects their worsening behavior. The same is true for what they do toward us, but you can only educate yourself. Before I go much further though, some of the things you said about your husband could very well mean that he has no ability or desire to grow to accommodate you, and that's the difficult judgement you have to make. I decided to try being mother teresa before making that judgement. You also have to consider whether or not you are up to being infinitely patient for him. Maybe he's hurt you too much to bear anymore. Maybe you're not yet equipped to help him, and he's not equipped to help you. You need to be honest and look after yourself. Try writing to him about this and say you'd love to learn to understand him better, but you need to know that he'd like to do that for you too, at some point in the future. Stress that it's not urgent for him, or that'll make him angry. My husband gets upset at stuff like that because he is consumed by the need to avoid feeling like a failure. I can't breathe a word of something that could imply something negative about him (for example, I can't talk about how some women are competitive over men because it somehow implies that men are stupid and therefore I have said that he is stupid.) Like I said, men have issues just as complex as our own trust issues that dictate the way they behave. The more we get depressed, the more they feel like a failure, the less they want to try, hence never coming to help us when we're crying. They go numb and shut you out, they don't believe they are capable of fixing this gaping wound in us that they have caused. What we want seems so basic and simple, just a shoulder to cry on, an arm around us. To them, it's facing what they feel is inevitable rejection, since your depression is evidence of their failure. Unfortunately, the less you understand this about them, the more they start to resent you. It's just easier for them that way. Thinking through their emotions is very hard for some men who are used to evading them. Their brains are wired to treat emotion as a liability. That's an important point to remember when we assume that they can see the situation as we do. 

We were evolutionarily developed to desire intimacy most of all, and them respect. I find this to be less well known in society. Everyone knows that ladies like romance, but it's not as well propagated that men need a lot of respect in a relationship- just as desperately as we need warmth. 

I've seen unexpected glimpses of light when I've swallowed my own fears over small things. I usually need to have a thorough communication over the tiniest thing that makes me worried or upset about the future of our relationship, but when I've recognized my own irrational fears and chosen to praise him instead, he is immediately happy and more open to being intimate. Choosing battles is important, if you're worried about something serious, email him about it if face to face isn't yet constructive. You don't always have to be the first to apologize or overlook everything, but you'll have to do a lot of this, and that's just the price you'd pay for being more emotionally astute. Which is fine, there are plenty of things that my husband is better at than me. 

As many times as you'd like to know you are loved, let him know he is respected. I know how hard it is to respect someone who can't provide you with basic care, but men who lash out like this are usually already feeling this same way about us. 

A hugely important thing I've learned is that my husband can sense how much I rely on him for my own happiness, and since he is conditioned to believe that he'll fail in all things, it fills him with dread and he'll disconnect. It's important that you try your hardest to distract yourself with finding and doing things that make you happy. Finding good friends would be immensely helpful too. 

About the sex thing..... my husband used to be similar, but that was when we first met. It takes a long time for them to understand how differently we treat sex than the actresses in porn do. All I can offer is that my husband eventually came around and is working through it with me. It just requires a lot of patience and a willingness to look at how we are hampering their desires too. Figure out just what you need and present it to him in a brief, direct way. Women are often socialized to avoid requesting things especially of a sexual nature, and then we just get depressed because they don't somehow know what we need most. I know it feels like it means more if they intuitively know that we need loving, but it doesn't mean less if they have to learn about it first. Often they're just too scared to be vulnerable. What seems like offense is often very well disguised defense.

aaaanyway, what a goddamn ramble. I hope I've helped anyone who's read this far. Feel free to critique me if I'm wrong, I'm still a complete novice at this and would absolutely love to understand men better. 

for briton- please try to get him to go to couple's counselling with you. ask him in a way that makes him feel like you need it and you just need his help- he'll be less threatened and feel less weight of responsibility then. If all else fails, I hope you can find happiness elsewhere 
oh also, don't rely on the meds to fix you, they're just there to make the emotional journey more stable. You still have to know what you're doing.


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## mizery (Sep 25, 2012)

briton said:


> hey all,
> I've been married for 2 months, and i am so depressed. I cannot explain how absolutely miserable I am. I've struggled with severe (near suicidal) depression for more than 6 years, and I am scared that my marriage has hurt it, not helped it. I feel like I just want to end my life.
> the problems that occur in my marriage are these:
> 1. He doesn't want to do anything with me. He doesn't want to go out on dates EVER, and when he does, they don't feel special because I have to BEG him to go out with me... We fight whenever we do go on dates because he is so mad about having to go on one.
> ...


OH man, that sounds exactly like my marriage.
I feel you're a young girl maybe 21yrs old.
Please go back to school and don't let this guy ruin your life like my ex did to mine.
All that your husband doing to you now is what exactly my ex did to me, and look what happened, he left me.
You're only married for 2 months, go and find yourself a better man.

I know it's difficult to find a man, I don't know why I cannot either for the life of me forget about my ex and the other good part of him but don't destroy yourself.

My ex uses me and if you really want it to work with him and you love him, love yourself too.
Do this, get your college degree, then you can get a job to occupy your mind.
Don't ask him to date, if he don't then date discreetly, find some friends.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

It sounds like you're pretty unhappy.It also sounds like it isn't all him. When there are 2 people contributing to relationship failure, one approach that can work is for one person (you) to try clearing away your contributions and then looking at the remaining problems - a therapist might help. It is just less complicated that way. A lot of these problems seem like perfectly common problems in a marriage. (As in, my wife's repeatedly remarried acquaintances left their first husbands for similar crimes and now complain that their later marriages are worse.)

1. Pretty typical. It can help to agree on a date schedule, for you to share the planning burden, and for the person who wants dates (you) to provide lots of positive encouragement (generally speaking, a 10:1 ratio of positive to negative reinforcement works well.)

2. It helps to divide chores between things you each care about. For example, I leave my wife's laundry in the garage instead of hanging it and wash plates when I need them. Ideal? No. But I'm doing what I'm willing to do. Better than running myself ragged. Oh, and don't bother fixing things. Just let him finish. Part of this is compromising between his standards and your own. It also helps to have his friends over occasionally.

3. Dealing with depression is hard for the spouse. More spouses than not have difficulty with depressed people. Are you on medication? In therapy? Exercising? (exercise really, really helps.) Clinical depression is something where you should be quite _grateful_ if your spouse is willing to accommodate you. If I'd known about my wife's mental illness before we married, I'd have dumped her - quickly - and I'm a fairly easygoing guy. While you are reasonable in expecting a shoulder to cry on, it is probably more healthy than not to not encourage repeated suicide attempts. In the future, I'd recommend that he simply call 911 and have you admitted to psychiatric observation. Similarly, you are not entitled to repeated meltdowns and comforting during relationship talks - particularly at times when he has other priorities. Please work on this.

4. Human beings want sex. Men often want more than women. Sex isn't that unpleasant, wanting sex is - more marriages would work if both partners accepted a 'not saying no unless I'm actually physically ill' guideline. If he's expecting to get more than when you were dating, with less effort - then there's an issue. Otherwise, I can understand why he'd be upset. His complaints seem unwise. However, as you are depressed, please do a sanity check and figure out whether or not they are reasonable. My wife has periods of depression, and during one of them, I opted out of giving her oral sex due to a quite overpowering odor of 5 day rotten blood. (In her case, she was somewhat amused and somewhat mortified, as 'oh g*d, no!!! - can you smell that????' was not what she was expecting..until the stench arrived. In my defense, I was startled.) OTOH, in my book, you are at least entitled to a simple 'thank you and friendly cuddling'.

I'm not wild about porn - and it can cause issues. If he's a porn addict, that is something to work on later. If he's watching porn and masturbating after not getting any for a few weeks, be grateful.

5. Friends are important. Make some. Knitting is good. Meetup.com is golden. Go out and talk to people - this is vital. Really, really vital.

6. Finances are hard. Since you both work, it may work best to have separate accounts and agree on contributions to shared budget items. This can be hard. Mint.com is kind of useful to help people understand budgets without a ton of work. Splitting shared expenses based on a ratio of relative incomes and having a date budget may be reasonable. See whether or not you can come to something reasonable.

College may or may not be important. A college diploma does seem to help - but - unless you're in engineering, I suspect that the return on investment is fairly poor. (There is a lot of confusion - because people who study hard and finish college do tend to do better in life. OTOH, most of those people would probably do better if they chose a profession 4 years early...) Mostly, it gives people a chance to grow up a bit.

Tons of videogames and no other activities would be really irritating. Probably something to discuss after you're past the crippling depression - mostly because tons of videogames are a common way (been there) of dealing with the stress of being married to the mentally ill. Not that it helps, but...eh...

7. This is a problem. I would try practicing nonviolent communication. Try finding out whether or not 'Mastering the Mysteries of Love' (free couples workshop) is available in your area. (And honestly reflect on whether or not you are following those guidelines.) 

8. Meds don't solve everything.

Your husband probably doesn't hate you. He may well simply feel extremely frustrated and helpless. Or he might hate you. I wonder whether or not it is worth making some changes and seeing how he reacts. In the end, crippling depression is usually mostly about the depressed person.

Divorce is always an option. If you're worried about violence, there are a ton of steps you can take. Leaving immediately and then working on therapy before seeking another relationship is also a perfectly reasonable course of action. Leaving immediately and then expecting to date someone better probably isn't.

Suicide is usually not a good idea - but feeling better is something within your power - not his.

--Argyle


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## Pinkley933 (Oct 6, 2012)

I am more alone than I have ever been.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

briton said:


> 1. He doesn't want to do anything with me. He doesn't want to go out on dates EVER, and when he does, they don't feel special because I have to BEG him to go out with me... We fight whenever we do go on dates because he is so mad about having to go on one.


Of course he's going to be upset when he's forced to do something he doesn't want to do. Only wanting to play games makes it sound like he's the one who's depressed.



> I feel like I am the only one who is doing anything. I clean the whole apartment, and do the shopping and paperwork and food making. Always me. My day starts at 4:00 am and ends whenever everything is done. Whenever he DOES do anything, he acts COMPLETELY incompetent and complains to the extent that I have to come fix it anyways.


Sounds like depression - lack of desire to do or learn anything, even the really important things. Start to worry when he only showers once every 2 days.




> 3. He ignores me. He seriously will just let me cry when I am upset. I attempted hanging myself from the shower curtain rod shortly before we got married, and had a break down for 2 1/2 hours before he even acknowledged me. and that's how it always is. Me, being alone. I know it's hard to deal with me when am depressed, but I'd like to think somebody in this world, especially my husband, cares about me.


If he prefers to deal with things alone, then he'll assume you like to be alone as well. When I'm upset, the last thing I want is someone drawing attention to it and trying to make me feel better. Just leave me alone!




> 4. He constantly wants sex. I know he is looking at porn, KNOW, and he still says "Idon't want to tell you because it's awkward and Private!!!" yeah, that's the answer right there. So he will come to me, all the time, and just try and start having sex with me. There is no romance, no love, and it's not tender.


Maybe he has low serotonin. That would explain quite a bit, including the depression and extremely high sex drive.



> 5. i have no friends. I gave up college and moved here to be with him. My job is a dead end and I seriously have no future. I have no one to talk to, anytime i try to talk to my parents, they will say that it's my fault, and make him out to be a saint for marrying me, because no one else would want to be with me.


Your parents are *******s. Talking to them will only make your condition worse.




> 7. Whenever I bring an issue up to him he automatically interrupts me, says that I am attacking him, and says that I am yelling at him. Now I am not the yelling type, I don't EVER yell. and i understand that attacking someone in a conversation automatically puts it at a halt. I don't attack him. He just starts going defensive and saying that I am the bad person. He makes all these confusing statements that completely contradict each other just to get me to drop the issue.


Low serotonin is known to cause this kind of irrational anger and defensiveness.




> 8. I have been to the doctor to try and fix my meds. I am currently on wellbutrin and that helps greatly... I just dont think these meds can fix all of these problems.


Try mixing wellbutrin with a low dose of trazodone (both taken in the morning). Wellbutrin and its metabolites block dopamine and noradrenaline pumps. Dopamine and noradrenaline pumps are each capable of transporting _both_ dopamine and noradrenaline. Because of this, Wellbutrin is known to cause a lot of anxiety due to the elevated levels of noradrenaline. Earlier you mentioned that you have bad breath. Do you frequently have dry mouth as a result of taking Wellbutrin? If so, that's an indication that the adrenergic effects are too strong. Trazodone blocks adrenergic receptors, so you will feel the dopaminergic effects of Wellbutrin without feeling the adrenergic effects.




> I just want to kill myself. The only person I have in this world is my husband, and when i lay it all out like this, I can see just how much he really hates me. Divorce is not an option. he has been divorced once and i KNOW that he wont let me divorce him. I have asked him to please go to counseling and he wont.
> I don't know what to do, and I feel like I am at my wit's end. I don't know how much longer I can take it before I end it.


Sounds like a jerk. If you decide to bite the bullet, make sure you take him with you.




> I feel you're a young girl maybe 21yrs old.
> Please go back to school and don't let this guy ruin your life like my ex did to mine.


Lady Gaga had an interesting thing to say about love vs career. Pick career because your career will never roll over to tell you that it doesn't love you anymore.


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