# Multiple miscarriages- communication problems



## Ee2820

My husband and I had our first miscarriage in June 2021 at 7 weeks. He was very supportive, and was completely there for me. We got pregnant again in October 2021 and suffered another miscarriage at 7 weeks. This time around, he assumed everything would be fine based on a good checkup the week before, and chose to go workout, rather than come with me to the 7 week appointment. I was hurt he priorized the gym over accompanying me, whether the outcome was good or bad. I felt like he should want to come and found the whole thing upsetting. Suffering that news alone without him there was devastating. When I called him immediately after, he found it appropriate to go run errands after the gym rather than come home to be with me. I was hurt by his choices and when I voiced that, he came straight home. This time around, I don’t know if he was just more mentally prepared than I or it was his way of coping, but he seemed so insensitive and when I told him I was upset he wasn’t there with me, he told me to stop taking everything out on him. I didn’t think that was fair… He later expressed he was upset I told my Mom and best friend about the pregnancy early on when he didn’t want us to say anything to anyone until 12 weeks. I tried to explain that for me, it’s nice to have a support system amongst my mom and best friend that I can talk to. Prior to the loss, I had wanted to announce the pregnancy to my dad, brother and sister on thanksgiving since we would all be together and he was totally against it until 12 weeks and expressed he felt like he didn’t have a say. From my perspective, again whether the outcome was good or bad,not sharing the news with my family (who is also my greatest support system) felt isolating. He doesn’t seem to get this at all, yet I also don’t want to disrespect his feelings.When I try to open up and talk about the loss and how I feel - I just don’t find any comfort and it’s almost as if he doesn’t know how to communicate what he’s thinking or feeling. Naturally, it’s making me feel extremely isolated and scared and anxious to try again, in the event it’s the same outcome. All I want is for him to say it’s going to be ok, this isn’t your fault and we’ll keep trying. It seems so simple and common sense to me. Feeling so defeated and his behavior is making me feel like he doesn’t even want a family, making me question the man I married. I suppose it could be his coping mechanism but it’s very hard.


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## EleGirl

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I know this is hard to go through as I went through something similar years ago.

It sounds to me like what you describe is your husband's way of dealing with the loss. An issue men have with a miscarriage is that they feel the loss/pain there is nothing that he could have done to prevent the miscarriage. It can make a man feel very inadequate.

I can understand his desire to not tall anyone about a pregnancy for the first few weeks/months. About 20% of all pregnancies end with a miscarriage. A lot of couples wait until about the 4th month before they tell their friends and family.

Is there any way that you can get some counseling to help you deal with your loss and thereby wait until your husband agrees to announce the pregnancy?


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## GaLaxya

Really sorry for your loss. It must be really painfull.
A miscarriage is a painfull medical 'condition' and a psychological burden. It might help if you explain this to your partner.


I wouldn't focus too much on the 'I want a baby' thing. But you also have to understand. Your health comes first, getting a baby is secondary.
There is no baby yet and therefore nothing or no one to prioritise thinking about yet.
Healthy mother, healthy baby later. And this is what you should focus on.
Also, maybe give it a rest after having a miscarriage. Give your body and uterus some time to proper regenerate.

Here some questions you should ask yourself:
Is the pregnancy also a way for you to get attention from others?
Are you scared of being alone? Is this the purpose of the baby?
...
I am just wondering. You say 'We got pregnant' as if you and your husband are symbiontic in your 'fantasy'.
This 'we got pregnant' is in my opinion an indicator that there is some sort of error you make in the whole situation.

Look, you as woman are getting pregnant. Not him. You have to clearly segregate between your body and your emotions and his body and his emotion.

He is not experiencing the pregnancy. He is just seeing it you from the outside. Don't expect your husband to be a part of yourself.
Understand, that he is a man and that he is not your emotional extension. I say this, because some woman seem to do this.

The same for a baby. Don't get obsessive with the idea of a baby. A baby is not going to be your emotional extension. What ever you are expecting this baby is going to 'give' you for yozr oeace of mknd, it won't do it. Your baby is going to be an independend being some day and it will challenge you and stress you. The purpose of a child is not to fullfill his mother. Your project is going to fail, because a baby is not a project.

When I was younger I was told by my mother that at some point in live a woman simply wants a baby and there is nothing you can do about it and she will do anything. I disagree. If a woman has such strong disires for a baby there is an emotional craving for something they hope to get from a child.

You are obsessed with having a baby and you want to share it with every one. You can't even wait for a couple of month. You are in a pregnancy bubble, but your husband isn't. He is outside and he is watching you and he is not seeing the woman he once fell in love with.
You are not you. You turned into a birth machine instead of a partner.

Even I as woman can imagine how creepy it must be for a husband to see his wife so focused on getting pregnant.
In the otherside I know how it is to loose a baby. But as a woman one has to be realistic, that this is part of the circle of live.
When we are young no one prepared us for this we simply get told women get simply pregnant. But it is not that simple.
Approach your sutuation as a medical condition. Shift the focus away from 'having a baby' for now and focus on getting better first.

Stop telling people that early on when you get pregnant. Your husband is right. The first stages of pregnancy are not the mile stone that need attention from anyone except you and maybe your partner. But as you are pregnant it is mainly your burden kind of. It is your body and to the most extend you are carriying the wait of being responsible of it.
Even a partner can't take that away from you. You are the only person who at the end takes any physical demage from a pregnancy.
Therefore, it is only logic then no one is going to suffer as much as you do at the end.

Learn to be more independent. At this early state pregnancy are unlikely to be live threatening. Don't be dramatic and expect your husband to come with you all the time or at all at the beginning. You don't expect your partner to come with you if you see a doctor for other medical conditions.

Most women don't even tell their husband and family until 3 month into it their pregnancy and until it is more or less sure. I mean once there are compljcation or a miscarriage one should not keep it to oneself clearly.
I think you have a fantasy of what it is to be pregnant that now collides with the reallity. miscarriages included. But yeah, no one told us when we were girls and then we become women and everything is so different. But it is part of our live as women.

You mention it would be nice for you to share 'everything' from the beginning with your family to get emotional support.
Again, you make too much drama and stressing yourself kind of. You want to become a mother, but you yourself still seem to need a lot of emotional suppport from your family.
Emotional support is good, but there can be also too much as in your case as you seem dependend on the attention and affection of your family like a young girl.

Look, if you share it with more people you make it mentally an even bigger issue.

Yes, miscarriages are not to be made fun of or to be taking easy. I am just conserned on your ability to cope with stress on your own to some extend.

You should not expect your whole world to evolve around this.

I don't see anything wrong in what your husband did. Nothing. You don't talk about any physical complications from miscarriage. Then there is no need to be highly alerted everytime this happens. It is not en emergency if your health is not at immidiate risk. Your husband accepted it as part of the process of trying to have a baby and that live goes on but he still took care of you by running errands.

And I can understand if he might have used it as some sort of escape from you too in order to take a breath from the sorrow on his own. It is healthy. You can't do everything together all the time. You should also take time for yourself to deal with it on your own to some extend. It doesn't mean you are alone or should not talk at all.

I think you have to learn that you are not going to break, if you walk some parts of the road on your own sometimes and face or experience the world and the pain in it on your own.
Become more independend. From everything. Your family, your husband, your wish to get pregnant. You'll see you'll be getting stronger.

I wish you all the best on your way!


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## Diana7

GaLaxya said:


> Really sorry for your loss. It must be really painfull.
> A miscarriage is a painfull medical 'condition' and a psychological burden. It might help if you explain this to your partner.
> 
> 
> I wouldn't focus too much on the 'I want a baby' thing. But you also have to understand. Your health comes first, getting a baby is secondary.
> There is no baby yet and therefore nothing or no one to prioritise thinking about yet.
> Healthy mother, healthy baby later. And this is what you should focus on.
> Also, maybe give it a rest after having a miscarriage. Give your body and uterus some time to proper regenerate.
> 
> Here some questions you should ask yourself:
> Is the pregnancy also a way for you to get attention from others?
> Are you scared of being alone? Is this the purpose of the baby?
> ...
> I am just wondering. You say 'We got pregnant' as if you and your husband are symbiontic in your 'fantasy'.
> This 'we got pregnant' is in my opinion an indicator that there is some sort of error you make in the whole situation.
> 
> Look, you as woman are getting pregnant. Not him. You have to clearly segregate between your body and your emotions and his body and his emotion.
> 
> He is not experiencing the pregnancy. He is just seeing it you from the outside. Don't expect your husband to be a part of yourself.
> Understand, that he is a man and that he is not your emotional extension. I say this, because some woman seem to do this.
> 
> The same for a baby. Don't get obsessive with the idea of a baby. A baby is not going to be your emotional extension. What ever you are expecting this baby is going to 'give' you for yozr oeace of mknd, it won't do it. Your baby is going to be an independend being some day and it will challenge you and stress you. The purpose of a child is not to fullfill his mother. Your project is going to fail, because a baby is not a project.
> 
> When I was younger I was told by my mother that at some point in live a woman simply wants a baby and there is nothing you can do about it and she will do anything. I disagree. If a woman has such strong disires for a baby there is an emotional craving for something they hope to get from a child.
> 
> You are obsessed with having a baby and you want to share it with every one. You can't even wait for a couple of month. You are in a pregnancy bubble, but your husband isn't. He is outside and he is watching you and he is not seeing the woman he once fell in love with.
> You are not you. You turned into a birth machine instead of a partner.
> 
> Even I as woman can imagine how creepy it must be for a husband to see his wife so focused on getting pregnant.
> In the otherside I know how it is to loose a baby. But as a woman one has to be realistic, that this is part of the circle of live.
> When we are young no one prepared us for this we simply get told women get simply pregnant. But it is not that simple.
> Approach your sutuation as a medical condition. Shift the focus away from 'having a baby' for now and focus on getting better first.
> 
> Stop telling people that early on when you get pregnant. Your husband is right. The first stages of pregnancy are not the mile stone that need attention from anyone except you and maybe your partner. But as you are pregnant it is mainly your burden kind of. It is your body and to the most extend you are carriying the wait of being responsible of it.
> Even a partner can't take that away from you. You are the only person who at the end takes any physical demage from a pregnancy.
> Therefore, it is only logic then no one is going to suffer as much as you do at the end.
> 
> Learn to be more independent. At this early state pregnancy are unlikely to be live threatening. Don't be dramatic and expect your husband to come with you all the time or at all at the beginning. You don't expect your partner to come with you if you see a doctor for other medical conditions.
> 
> Most women don't even tell their husband and family until 3 month into it their pregnancy and until it is more or less sure. I mean once there are compljcation or a miscarriage one should not keep it to oneself clearly.
> I think you have a fantasy of what it is to be pregnant that now collides with the reallity. miscarriages included. But yeah, no one told us when we were girls and then we become women and everything is so different. But it is part of our live as women.
> 
> You mention it would be nice for you to share 'everything' from the beginning with your family to get emotional support.
> Again, you make too much drama and stressing yourself kind of. You want to become a mother, but you yourself still seem to need a lot of emotional suppport from your family.
> Emotional support is good, but there can be also too much as in your case as you seem dependend on the attention and affection of your family like a young girl.
> 
> Look, if you share it with more people you make it mentally an even bigger issue.
> 
> Yes, miscarriages are not to be made fun of or to be taking easy. I am just conserned on your ability to cope with stress on your own to some extend.
> 
> You should not expect your whole world to evolve around this.
> 
> I don't see anything wrong in what your husband did. Nothing. You don't talk about any physical complications from miscarriage. Then there is no need to be highly alerted everytime this happens. It is not en emergency if your health is not at immidiate risk. Your husband accepted it as part of the process of trying to have a baby and that live goes on but he still took care of you by running errands.
> 
> And I can understand if he might have used it as some sort of escape from you too in order to take a breath from the sorrow on his own. It is healthy. You can't do everything together all the time. You should also take time for yourself to deal with it on your own to some extend. It doesn't mean you are alone or should not talk at all.
> 
> I think you have to learn that you are not going to break, if you walk some parts of the road on your own sometimes and face or experience the world and the pain in it on your own.
> Become more independend. From everything. Your family, your husband, your wish to get pregnant. You'll see you'll be getting stronger.
> 
> I wish you all the best on your way!


It's natural for a woman to have a strong desire for a child. It's nothing to do with wanting to have a baby to meet an 'emotional need'. 

You say that most women don't tell their husbands for 12 weeks????? Thats just not so. 

Personally I told my close family soon after I found out. In those days you were 6 or 7 weeks pregnant before you could even have a pregnancy test. Not telling my parents or his just never occured to us. 

I agree with the not telling absolutely everyone you know for a few weeks though.


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## frusdil

I’m so sorry for your losses, I have been through that too and it’s absolutely devastating.

I do feel that if you knew your husband didn’t want anyone else to know that early on, or if you two agreed to not tell anyone until 12 weeks, you shouldn’t have told anyone, not even your family. This is something between you and your husband, no one else.

Both of you are grieving, albeit differently. You need to show each other grace and compassion.

Lots of love.


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## Enigmatic

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think you and your husband need to have a heart-to-heart about how you each feel about the miscarriages and how you want to move forward. His desire not to tell people about a pregnancy until after the end of the first trimester is quite sensible, but conflicts with your desire to tell your family as early as possible. I can't tell from what you wrote whether you had an agreement abut when to tell family and violated it, or if you were unable to come to an agreement at all. The time to come to work out this issue is before you attempt another pregnancy. 

There's no one right or wrong way to grieve, and it is just as much his loss as yours, so his way of grieving is just as valid as yours, even if you can't understand his approach (or he yours). I think you need to spend time together so you can each understand, without accusations and assumptions, how the other processes grief.

I've had miscarriages and it's important to know if these are just random events or if there is an underlying cause. For women, that is often a shortened luteal phase, which leads to not enough progesterone production to nourish the embryo/fetus until the placenta can take over. There can be other causes, too, of course. Has your doctor offered any advice?


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## Ee2820

Enigmatic said:


> I'm sorry for your loss.
> 
> I think you and your husband need to have a heart-to-heart about how you each feel about the miscarriages and how you want to move forward. His desire not to tell people about a pregnancy until after the end of the first trimester is quite sensible, but conflicts with your desire to tell your family as early as possible. I can't tell from what you wrote whether you had an agreement abut when to tell family and violated it, or if you were unable to come to an agreement at all. The time to come to work out this issue is before you attempt another pregnancy.
> 
> There's no one right or wrong way to grieve, and it is just as much his loss as yours, so his way of grieving is just as valid as yours, even if you can't understand his approach (or he yours). I think you need to spend time together so you can each understand, without accusations and assumptions, how the other processes grief.
> 
> I've had miscarriages and it's important to know if these are just random events or if there is an underlying cause. For women, that is often a shortened luteal phase, which leads to not enough progesterone production to nourish the embryo/fetus until the placenta can take over. There can be other causes, too, of course. Has your doctor offered any advice?


I’m going through genetic testing now. Im hoping this provides some answers. The doctor seems inclined that it is due to chromosonal abnormalities but I pushed her for the genetic testing so I’m glad we are having it done.

I was on progesterone suppositories from the time I found out I was pregnant this last go-around.

Since I’ve posted, it’s been an emotional
Time but we have talked a lot and grown closer as a result. Thank you ❤


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## Ee2820

frusdil said:


> I’m so sorry for your losses, I have been through that too and it’s absolutely devastating.
> 
> I do feel that if you knew your husband didn’t want anyone else to know that early on, or if you two agreed to not tell anyone until 12 weeks, you shouldn’t have told anyone, not even your family. This is something between you and your husband, no one else.
> 
> Both of you are grieving, albeit differently. You need to show each other grace and compassion.
> 
> Lots of love.


we had no previous agreements , for the prior 2 pregnancies. We did discuss and listen and agreed not to tell anyone until the 2nd trimester for the next. It’s not that I was opposed, I agree with him. My mom had similar fertility issues as I’m having, so I do like confiding in her and asking questions, naturally she asks me questions, it’s hard to hide from her. But I’ll respect my husbands wishes.


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## Ee2820

Diana7 said:


> It's natural for a woman to have a strong desire for a child. It's nothing to do with wanting to have a baby to meet an 'emotional need'.
> 
> You say that most women don't tell their husbands for 12 weeks????? Thats just not so.
> 
> Personally I told my close family soon after I found out. In those days you were 6 or 7 weeks pregnant before you could even have a pregnancy test. Not telling my parents or his just never occured to us.
> 
> I agree with the not telling absolutely everyone you know for a few weeks though.


I to agree with not telling everyone. Unfortunately, I was put in circumstances where I felt forced to say something. I had been in New York for a work trip and upon denying alcohol, both my boss and best friend who lived there asked if I was pregnant and I couldn’t lie to them. My mom also had many fertility issues and so I often confide in her and ask questions. She asks about my doctors appointments so again, it’s just hard to hide things from her.
I’ve since discussed with my husband and we are on the same page.


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