# Tired of being the whipping post



## kris_fla (Oct 18, 2009)

I am 10 years older than my husband. His only wish after getting married was to have a child of his own. We agreed to try and get prego up to my 40th bday. Two weeks after my 39th, I found out I was prego. The day before Valentines Day, it was discovered that I was prego w/natural triplets. I spent 2 months on mand. bedrest in the hosp., they were two months premature, my uterus exploded in recovery and I woke up in ICU...a bunch of hot mess. W/in their first two years, we were told that they were all three neutropenic and all three on the autism spectrum. I quickly became a "kept" woman. My husband cannot take on enough "hats". He uses our situation as his excuse and that he is the sole provider...that would fly but three of his "hats" are more "hobbies" that he happens to get paid for...He readily agrees that he has no patience and that the trips quickly get on his nerves. He works very hard to maintain a certain public image. His co workers see him as the doting devoted father...my husband is 100% about his image. I am trying to understand and put my resentment towards him in perspective. I asked for marriage counseling, he went first and told the woman lies and insisted (afterward) that she backs him in stating that "we seemed to have it under control" and that there was no need for me or us to continue w/her. Half the time I despise him and half the time I make excuses for him and have learned to block it out and invent scenarios/reasoning to justify the continuance of our marriage and the fact that I simply cannot divorce him, me and the trips would never be able to survive. My children come first, I am a selfless person, he on the other hand is the exact opp. We are not intimate, maybe twice a year...b/c I resent him that much, which makes him totally unattractive to me. I feel guilty but I cannot pull off the "Ozzie and Harriet" 1920-1930's mentality, "for better or worse", if you don't feel it, fake it. I would not be so bitter, it he didn't use their issues to perpetuate his agenda/pity points...driving his "greatest father, ever"..."I'm the sole supporter", "I do this for my kids" into the ground. When he IS around?...he finds "projects" to keep him too busy to help and if I decide to "take a moment" for myself, and retreat?...it better be in the form of napping, b/c if I'm on the phone or internet...he gets furious and throws a tantrum. When these kids are sick, he is HIGH and DRY...can't pick up enough over time or get out of town fast enough. Trying to understand my feelings and if I'm being overzealous. Thanks for any input.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

"My husband cannot take on enough "hats". He uses our situation as his excuse and that he is the sole provider...that would fly but three of his "hats" are more "hobbies" that he happens to get paid for"

You mean he likes his job?

Have you given him a list of things he needs to do around the house when he is home or are you hoping he'll just see what needs to be done and do it? Guys tend to be lousy at that. They don't see the house the same way a woman might. They have to be trained.

Do you think that no sex is making him want to be home? Because I'm telling you now that having no sex makes him want to be away from you as much as he can. He has no comfort at home, only an unhappy wife and 3 children who have a lot of needs.

PS - I didn't address your feelings... I know that you gave him what he wanted (children) at great risk to your life and now he's got what you see as a projected image of family and you're waiting for your happiness... You're angry that he hasn't lived up to his end of the bargain.

Question - have either of you discussed how sad you are that your kids ended up having issues? Has he expressed to you that it didn't turn out the way he imagined? That he's disappointed too?

Have you felt guilt that the boys have problems? Do you feel it is your fault? Does he feel it is his fault? Does he feel it is his fault that you had so much trouble carrying his children and that it almost killed you?

Have either of you given therapy a chance? First deal with the family things and then deal with the marriage things. There is a lot of underlying hurt and anger and sadness and guilt that is probably causing him to run away and you to withdraw from him.

HOWEVER. My first suggestion is to return sex to its rightful place in the marriage. That is something that you can do that will cause a positive change in the dynamic at home.


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## kris_fla (Oct 18, 2009)

Then my response is leave. He gets angry when I ask him to fix things around the house, but if they need someone to oversee the dept's honor guard, or the local sheriff dept. is looking for another SWAT medic (more Rambo training than missions)..he's on it. I have told him to leave, I have told him that I'm not attracted to him...his response is "how am I suppose to survive, if I have to pay you child support?" He had to leave work b/c one of his children had to go to the ER and he told me it was my fault and that he just lost over $600. for having to leave work, (b/c why can't I take three autistic toddlers to the ER and spend 4 hours?)...but as soon as we all agreed (me and the doctors) that she would be more comfortable at home, he changed his story and told me his Captain said he could come back to work and finish his shift, he couldn't leave fast enough. He does what HE wants to do and resents helping out with HIS children.


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## kris_fla (Oct 18, 2009)

DOBO: Yes, I made him address it. His perception has been skewed by/because of his children's issues. I have done 100% of the leg work to bring attention to and apply/get early intervention for the trips. I believe he resents me and the trips. His feelings for me almost losing my life to give him what he most wanted in life was out of guilt. I am not bitter toward the kids. I love them, they are my peeps, we totally understand each other and we "mesh", my life is about getting them better and these kids get that. My husband feels that going to counseling makes him look fallible and that effects him more so than one of his children almost losing a toe b/c of a bacterial infection from walking around outside barefoot. He will tell anyone that he wouldn't be 3/4 the man he is today if it were not for me. I cannot let go of my resentment. My husband's motto is: "I'd rather beg for forgiveness than ask for permission", over and over and over and over. He only has one responsibility, make the money to pay the bills, and we are NOT frivolous spenders...I live by my budget, like it's the Bible. My husband lives by, I come first what ever is left, goes to the little people. That's why I control every thing and I think that's an issue as well. Am I to blame, def. 100% YES, are we best friends and am I 100% supportive, YES, he is where he's at professionally b/c of me... he'll hang that from a billboard. I can't let go, that after 5 years, he hasn't clued in and I resent that he has not learned/matured and that he keeps repeating. Once again...give em a rope and they'll claim to be cowboys...it's my fault. I can't let go and accept him for who he is. He works so much and the triplets are such a handful that intimacy has to be planned like a military recon mission...that I never initiate....maybe b/c I view him as more of yet another problem to handle than a husband...??

Guess what I'm trying to say is that his attitude is that: "This is not what I signed up for, you seem to have it under control, you take care of this and I'll continue to do my thing and live my life...I'll check back with you in a couple.....


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Then I don't see that you have a choice but to threaten to blow his cover --

News for him : He is fallable and he is human. This is probably what he gets out of his job that he doesn't get at home -- reenforcement of that image. I can see why you resent it so much. But try not to blame him too much on that. He's a scared little boy inside and he's clinging to the only thing he feels he has control over.

INSIST on counsling for HIMSELF first, to deal with the guilt, and for his lack of involvement at home. He isn't emotionally equipped and that's what he's telling you through his actions. He can't handle it so he's avoiding it. And of course that will cause you resentment. You don't get to run away the way he does.

This has to be his call to GROW UP. He's not a super hero. His job is a job and he can get hurt or killed at it, too. And then what? 

What if you left? What would he tell everyone about the perfect man/husband/father? That he screwed up beyond belief? He'd better face that this is exactly what people are not only going to think, they're going to know because no mother of special needs kids walks out of a provider like that unless there's something really wrong with the provider.

And he'd better face that he'll be broke if you leave, too.

This man needs a wakeup call. He needs to get his **** together or face that he's going to lose everything.

In therapy did you tell him it is NOT under control? Does his family know how bad things are for you?

I want you to understand something : You are not responsible for whether he survives in a divorce. Your only duty is to the kids and yourself. So don't use his well-being as a reason not to leave or not to put your foot down for the last time. You have to be willing to go that far if you want this guy to wake up and smell the coffee. 

If you aren't willing to do that, then you are choosing to stay in this situation. And if you are choosing it, you're going to have to learn to live without him. Act like he's already gone and get on with your life. Hire whomever you need to to get things done around the house (like he'll enjoy having a good-looking, young, built handyman around, NOT!) and find time to get a sitter and get friends and get a social life. (No other men. That wouldn't be cool.) But get out and distance yourself from him in a meaningful way. He has to see that you're not afraid to live life with him or without him.


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## kris_fla (Oct 18, 2009)

dobo, you are dead on w/your first point. I have told him the same. Also, ever since the trips were born, he started keeping all of his favorite clothes, shoes, items, etc. in his truck. His backseat and front passenger is packed to the roof and he gets anxiety ridden if I ask to take his truck and finds every excuse as to why I cannot. It's very odd. 

He used to complain that "he was working for nothing", b/c all of his pay went to bills or the triplet's needs. I explained to him that once you have children, your needs come last.

I also explained your second point to him as well. He gets that now...but when I joined Facebook and reconnected w/old HS/childhood chums, he became hysterically resentful and bitter. I put my foot down on that one, but I also limit my time on the computer when he's home. I offered to go back to work and suggested he quit his "extra" duties (hats), he wants nothing to do w/that. 

His dad and step mom have talked to him many times about growing up. His mother is in denial about the trips medical/autism situation and she thinks I am using it as an excuse not to work. LOL I suppose their doctor, teachers OT's and Speech therapists have Munchhausen by proxy, too. 

It took me giving him an ultimatum and time frame, to make his appt. w/a counselor. I have asked him 4 times to make my appt. (then we meet w/her together) and so on. He ignores me. He takes in what he wants and throws out what he doesn't want to hear. I asked him to leave, I asked for a temp. separation in the hopes that he would snap out of it. (he made his appt. w/the counselor that week and asked me to reconsider) It's so hard, b/c when I can get him to relax and spend quality time w/the trips, I know he loves them, and they adore him.

I have resolved myself to the notion that I may have to bide my time until the triplets get older and I can become self sufficient again.

Thanks for the input. I don't think I'm being selfish or unreasonable but at times I wonder if I'm expecting too much from him, that maybe some just can't give as much as others, it's just not in their mental makeup to do so. And you are right, I have started living my life like he's not in it as you suggested. It was a tough transition for him but I think he understands that the only other choice is for him to move out....so he has accepted my new attitude or shall I say...blocked it out.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Oh what luck, another mom on here that is dealing with a child that has autism!! Hi there!! My oldest son has mild autism, OCD and seperation anxiety, so I know the hoops you are jumping through to get them everything and everywhere that they need. It is a thankless job, but when you see them progress even a little, makes your heart burst with pride, doesn't it!!

I am sorry to hear that your husband is putting all of this on you. I am in the same boat ( hubby is military, so only partially his fault) lol. He is deployed a lot and in training and whatnot, so my oldest son and my younger son, who is developmentally delayed have ME. That's it. Just good ole mom. And it doesn't seem fair that we carry the burden while they get the praise. 

If you do find a way to solve this please do let me know! I am struggling with the same thing with my husband. And if you need anything, or just to vent about all the crap you have to do to get kids what they need let me know, I have been there too girl!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

KF,
I think your comment about all the professionals having munchausen by proxy says it all. The fact that you have retained your sense of humor in an incredibly difficult situation is awesome. I was about half as detached as your husband. Not any more. Now I am fully engaged as my wifes partner in child rearing. BUT our oldest went off the rails while I was solely preoccupied with my W2 - she was too much for one parent to handle. Very sad. 

I truly think your in-laws are just as bad as your husband. Three autistic spectrum children and they think you should work. That is astonishing. Do they not realize just how much difference early and intensive intervention makes? I am sorry - people can't claim ignorance anymore - the info is just one google query away. 

My son - our middle child - is just at the edge of aspergers - and he really benefited hugely from the combination of his full time mom, me - yes I was plugged in by then - a speech therapist for 3 years - an occupational therapist who was wonderful for 2 years. A STELLAR first grade teacher. He is 15 now gets great grades, is in the marching band, runs cross country....

Your man - and I am using that term loosely - needs to wake up before his wonderful wife is gone for good. 







DawnD said:


> Oh what luck, another mom on here that is dealing with a child that has autism!! Hi there!! My oldest son has mild autism, OCD and seperation anxiety, so I know the hoops you are jumping through to get them everything and everywhere that they need. It is a thankless job, but when you see them progress even a little, makes your heart burst with pride, doesn't it!!
> 
> I am sorry to hear that your husband is putting all of this on you. I am in the same boat ( hubby is military, so only partially his fault) lol. He is deployed a lot and in training and whatnot, so my oldest son and my younger son, who is developmentally delayed have ME. That's it. Just good ole mom. And it doesn't seem fair that we carry the burden while they get the praise.
> 
> If you do find a way to solve this please do let me know! I am struggling with the same thing with my husband. And if you need anything, or just to vent about all the crap you have to do to get kids what they need let me know, I have been there too girl!


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## kris_fla (Oct 18, 2009)

Thanks guys! xoxo, haven't been on for a day and a half, two w/roto virus. I will admit that my hubby does defend me to the fullest w/regards to why I do not work. A lot of that has to do w/his fear of me NOT being here and him having to be "tied" down. I hate to say this, but I think he has no issues w/the arrangement. I do my own thing, and he focuses on his career and blames it on his special needs kids and his wife being a stay at home mom. I've gotten to the point of, if that is what he wants to put out there, whatever. He is all of what dobo stated and I seriously think he's totally fine w/that, idk what to think at this point. lol

I got the state to pay for early intervention for a year, and now that they are 3, they are in the school's hands, but so far so good. They ea. have amazing teachers and the state pays for add'l OT and Speech via the school sys. The achilles heal is their neutropenia, they miss quite a bit of school. My son is the worst of the three and I worked adamantly and w/much resistance to teach him (hand over hand) how to use the mouse, b/c the ONLY thing that boy is interested in is music and the computer, specifically Zac's Browser (developed by a grandfather for his autistic grandson). I deal with my triplets like normal 3 year olds, no breaks, no special treatment, I stay aware but push them, with pos. reinforcement, music, dance and too many hugs and kisses. If anyone knows tricks on how to get them to sleep in beds...do tell!


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