# When do I stop fighting for my marriage?



## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

We dated a year, got pregnant, got married, had another baby, bought a house. All within the first 3 years. Together for 5 years, married for 3.

My H and I have had problems since our second year of marriage. He struggles with depression, goes off and on his meds.. refuses therapy. I put up with it, read books and tried to support him best I could; but his depression got really bad at one point, and I told him to either stay on his meds, or I'd leave. He had become mean and cold and impatient with our baby children, not very nice at all.
He started taking his meds; things got better, than the meds stopped working (instead of getting his dosage checked, he stopped taking them)
things got to an all time low about 6 months ago. I came very very close to leaving him. In fact, I was making the plans to, and he begged me to give him one more shot. Because of our history, our children, and our beautiful home, I agreed to give him one more chance if he stayed on his meds and we both went to therapy. We both worked at the time, but still couldn't afford MC, so we used our benefits and received free individual therapy instead.
He went once, than stopped; I still go (and love it). He's still on his meds, but I can tell he's not taking them everyday and/or they are not working anymore (he never follows up with Drs, just takes the meds and expects miracles. there is not trial and error, he just doesn't follow up at all)
Anyway, he lost his job and has been out of work for 5/6 months; he wasn't looking for work and decided that he would stay home with the kids (only 3&2years) even though I told him that I can't support the whole house financially. Now he has government debt from his taxes and I just cannot afford the payment. I already work 45-50hours/week at a well paying job.

With the help from my therapist, I sat down and explained calmly and nicely that I needed him to find work, so we don't fall behind and get in debt (we've worked hard in the past to get and stay out of debt) he agreed and I felt optimistic.

A week later, I found out he hadn't sent a single resume, even though he told he'd sent out 4/5 a day! I was angry, he apologized and promised to CC me in all the resumes he sends out from now on.
I was angry. I told him that if his sh!t wasn't together by September, I'd be leaving. He said ok.

Since than, he's been applying regularly to work. He has a promising interview on Friday.. and he seems optimistic about it. Which, I KNOW is good.

But still... I just don't want to try anymore. I'm exhausted. All these years and I feel like I have to hold his hand through every little thing. Not to mention, the relationship is pretty much sexless; maybe we'll have sex once a month, but its mundane and boring. I think he does it just to say its been done. He seems to love me, and he always makes it sound like he's trying... but I just don't feel it. I don't feel loved. I don't feel connection.. I'm having a hard time respecting him this past year.
He's an AMAZING father, and I don't want to take my kids from him. They ADORE him.. especially since he's been home with them all day.

I want to call it quits and move on with my life. I'm only 27; I'm still young. he's 37. I have SO much guilt about wanting this. I feel terrible for even thinking it. But it's true, I just don't know if I have anything left to offer.

How do you know when enough is enough??
Sigh. Help?


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

I feel like I sound super *****y in my post. Haha. I didn't want it to be too long, so I tried to keep it short.

The reality of things here is that, he says all the right things to me, but never follows through. And if he DOES follow through, it's because I've caught him lying about it.. and confront him. I don't feel like he's my PARTNER. I feel like he's another child. I don't feel like he supports me (if he were here, he'd say, "I support you!! Whatever you want to do, let's do it!") But, when I ask for help, I don't get it. When I mention how lonely I feel, and request some connection and intimacy he replies, "What do you mean? we're connecting right now"

He just doesn't understand. He's lazy. He plays video games on his computer all the time. A date night, in his opinion, is watching tv and eating pizza. He doesn't like being around people, he doesn't like people coming over to our house. He has anxieties about any social event, phone calls, any unknown area. And he refuses therapy, he tells me, "Its not going to do anything"

He suggested MC again recently, but we simply cannot afford it. I'm barely getting by on the bills now.
And to be honest, I don't know how into MC I am. Maybe a year, or 6 months ago... but now I'm too resentful, sad, and hurt. I don't belive in him, I don't trust him.

I'm tired of trying to rebuild the relationship. I want to give up. That's easy way out.. but I'm feeling so done, and tired, and ... over it!


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

flyhigher said:


> I feel like I sound super *****y in my post. Haha. I didn't want it to be too long, so I tried to keep it short.
> 
> The reality of things here is that, he says all the right things to me, but never follows through. And if he DOES follow through, it's because I've caught him lying about it.. and confront him. I don't feel like he's my PARTNER. I feel like he's another child. I don't feel like he supports me (if he were here, he'd say, "I support you!! Whatever you want to do, let's do it!") But, when I ask for help, I don't get it. When I mention how lonely I feel, and request some connection and intimacy he replies, "What do you mean? we're connecting right now"
> 
> ...


If I didn't know that my ex is still single, I'd say you married him! 

Sadly, I've been in your shoes I know the feeling of busting butt just to survive. Heck, sometimes we weren't even surviving, I was robbing Peter to pay Paul. It's no way to live. 

If you have nothing left within you and have no desire to even try to salvage the marriage, then get out. I can promise that staying will only break you down until there is almost nothing/nothing left to you.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

The scariest part is bringing up the conversation.. and letting him know that I've 100% serious.. than making the plans to leave. 
He always seems so devastated and shocked. It's soo hard.. he's not a bad person, I just think we flew into this thing WAY too fast and before we really knew each other, we were having kids and getting married.

Therapy has really helped me organize my thoughts.
The other day, during one of our talks, I said, "We don't communicate very well. We need to improve on the communication" He said, "What can we do to fix that?" I said, "Well, I'm going to therapy to learn how to communicate better... I don't know what you're doing to fix it.." He didn't say anything.

I really feel like if he went to therapy, and took it seriously, he would see results in himself, and find happiness. He's afraid to dig into himself. He doesn't want to deal with any of his issues (self esteem, self talk, family issues, childhood traumas). Its so frustrating when the *possible* solution is available, yet he refuses to take it.

Thanks for your response. This position can feel so lonely, scary, and isolating.. its nice to see others have survived it. <3


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

The hardest part is giving up and actually leaving. I've been there. Took me 3x to actually leave, even while my kids watched. Hardest thing I've ever had to do in my 35 years. But now that I'm divorced, I feel free finally and can be happy again.

Just remember, life is short and only you can make yourself happy.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

flyhigher said:


> The scariest part is bringing up the conversation.. and letting him know that I've 100% serious.. than making the plans to leave.
> He always seems so devastated and shocked. It's soo hard.. he's not a bad person, I just think we flew into this thing WAY too fast and before we really knew each other, we were having kids and getting married.
> 
> Therapy has really helped me organize my thoughts.
> ...


The possibilities, are just that, possibilities. If your husband isn't willing to do anything to work on the marriage, it won't work. It takes two and with only you trying to make it right, is pointless. Your will to try will eventually fizzle out. 

Don't stay for the kids and the beautiful home, you have to do what feels right in your heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> The hardest part is giving up and actually leaving. I've been there. Took me 3x to actually leave, even while my kids watched. Hardest thing I've ever had to do in my 35 years. But now that I'm divorced, I feel free finally and can be happy again.
> 
> Just remember, life is short and only you can make yourself happy.


"But now that I'm divorced, I feel free finally and can be happy again."

This!!! I never felt more free and empowered as I did when I divorced. I was ME again! It was a wonderful feeling. One I've never regretted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

LadybugMomma said:


> "But now that I'm divorced, I feel free finally and can be happy again."
> 
> This!!! *I never felt more free and empowered as I did when I divorced. I was ME again! It was a wonderful feeling. One I've never regretted.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





LadybugMomma said:


> The possibilities, are just that, possibilities. If your husband isn't willing to do anything to work on the marriage, it won't work. It takes two and with only you trying to make it right, is pointless. Your will to try will eventually fizzle out.
> 
> *Don't stay for the kids and the beautiful home, you have to do what feels right in your heart.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: 100% Life is to short, and if someone is sucking the life out of you, you need to fix it... Trust your Gut!!!


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

Thank you so much!! I really agree with everything you guys are saying!

Now I just need to find the words... and the time to say it... ugh!! Haha. We haven't even kissed since our last big talk about the job. Not a peck, no hugs, no sitting close on the couch. I'm hoping he sees this coming and doesn't try to play victim.
We'll see.

I'm so scared! But... at the same time.. relieved to have come to a decision. And excited to start things fresh.

xo


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

I was not sleeping, my work was suffering, but i had to do what i had to do.. Once, i finally said my peace, i was so relieved, and my life started to change that very moment. even my kid could see it.. Only way to do it is, JUST RIP THE BAND AID OFF!!!!


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

flyhigher said:


> Thank you so much!! I really agree with everything you guys are saying!
> 
> Now I just need to find the words... and the time to say it... ugh!! Haha. We haven't even kissed since our last big talk about the job. Not a peck, no hugs, no sitting close on the couch. I'm hoping he sees this coming and doesn't try to play victim.
> We'll see.
> ...



My ex had an idea it was coming but I think he thought I'd chicken out. He had me pretty brainwashed into thinking I couldn't live without him. He also thought that I was influenced by the opinions of everyone else in my life and couldn't think for myself. No one knew what I was planning to divorce. I kept it to myself so my ex couldn't saying I listened to everyone else. 

After making an appointment and meeting w/my lawyer I felt a little 'safer', if that makes sense. Knowing I had someone to consult with and someone who would guide me, put my mind at ease a little. If my ex had any questions, I could say, talk to my lawyer or I need to consult with my lawyer. 

I was beyond terrified the day I walked into my lawyers office. Tons of things were running through my mind. My kids, my family, my friends, my life, how things were going to change etc. But I continued on and I felt SO good walking out of that office. When I got home, I told my ex that it was done. I paid the lawyer and there was no turning back. He was angry, started with his, "you listen to everyone" BS and that's when I told him that no one else even knew what I was doing. Shut him right down. 

Be strong, even when you're weak. Keep thinking of your life and what will make you happy. You've told you H what you need...him to work, communication etc and he's leaving it all on you to figure out and fix while he continues to do what he normally does. 

~Shudder~ can't believe how much he's like my ex. I was in it for 26 years.....You've got this! :smthumbup:


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Hun, you already know when enough is enough, you just need someone to give you permission.

Until you can give yourself that...by exhausting every possibility and avenue for repair, or thru your own individual work....you might need to stay in it.

Part of the issue here is that the problems you're having with him aren't the result of "Marital issues", but rather what seems to be his rather significant mental health issues....you seem to have feeling for him as a person and a partner, but it's the illness that interferes.

The task then is to make it clear to him what he needs to do and work on a plan with him to get and stay well. Maybe the work with the therapist is not only on knowing when it's enough but how to get him to the point so it doesn't get to that.

I'm also not sure why you can go to unlimited individual therapy but he cannot accompany you and do some work there, he clearly needs some place to hear you and then follow up regularly to monitor the plan and his compliance.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Unicus said:


> Hun, you already know when enough is enough, you just need someone to give you permission.
> 
> Until you can give yourself that...by exhausting every possibility and avenue for repair, or thru your own individual work....you might need to stay in it.
> 
> ...



Totally agree that SHE must be the one to know. No one else can make this decision for her.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

Unicus said:


> Hun, you already know when enough is enough, you just need someone to give you permission.
> 
> Until you can give yourself that...by exhausting every possibility and avenue for repair, or thru your own individual work....you might need to stay in it.
> 
> ...


I really appreciate this point of view. The past year has been this. I've been to his therapist with him once, to get him past the anxiety part of things.. I've helped him write lists of things that he wants to work on, lists of things that I need him to work on. The session went well, but the therapist asked me to stay away for the next few sessions, as the work needs to come from HIM, and not me. I agreed.. he went once more, and than never again.

I've spoken with my own therapist about having H come to my appointments; we could do that once, but because my therapist deals with ME, he is not allowed to take H on as a client full time; as in, he can't check in with him. He will only be allowed to mediate a conversation between H and I; as my therapist. I hope that made sense.
The issues is that H will not commit to therapy. He can *kind of* commit to his medication, but the medication won't magically cure his anxiety and depression; its supposed to take the edge off, so that he can do the therapy work to make those issues minimal.

I've done a lot of research on depression and anxiety, I've read books on how to be married to a depressive. I've spoken with friends, with his mother, with my own mother on how to help support him in a way that will ACTUALLY make a difference.

The two years of my life has been this; and I think what's making this all so real for me is that I'm starting to realize that there is nothing more I can do. Every time I give him another chance, or let things go, or don't say anything, I'm enabling him to not do the work. And in the end, I'm the one that gets hurt. Over and over.

That's why I say, he talks very well, he tells me everything I want to hear; but there's no follow through.

And I'm tired of waiting for something that will never happen.

I just found out he bailed on his interview.. he didn't even go.

I'm done.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

it takes two people to make a marriage work. One person cannot carry the burden of trying to fix it and the other just does nothing. It cannot work that way. It just builds resentment in the one trying.

You know when you are done, when you have had enough. There is no more room to make allowances and to forgive. 

Since, he broke his word again and did not follow thru with the interview, instead of telling him yet again that you are done. Go see a lawyer and get divorce proceedings underway. 

He is not taking you seriously, he thinks that you are just talking and nagging. You need to show him you are serious.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

flyhigher said:


> I feel like I sound super *****y in my post. Haha. I didn't want it to be too long, so I tried to keep it short.
> 
> The reality of things here is that, he says all the right things to me, but never follows through. And if he DOES follow through, it's because I've caught him lying about it.. and confront him. I don't feel like he's my PARTNER. I feel like he's another child. I don't feel like he supports me (if he were here, he'd say, "I support you!! Whatever you want to do, let's do it!") But, when I ask for help, I don't get it. When I mention how lonely I feel, and request some connection and intimacy he replies, "What do you mean? we're connecting right now"
> 
> ...


Have you told him this in these stark terms? You married him, you promise to be honest. He deserves the courtesy of knowing how you feel. I don't mean, "you need to get a job" but "I am almost at the end, I can't have another child again. Unless you get this and change for good, I am gone." 

The thing is it sound like you love him but you are done, so if he really changes maybe he can fix it, or maybe he is done too. Fear can be a big motivator. Then again he bailed on the interview so I think there is a better chance he is done. Get ready to pay alimony. 

Just don't cheat on him, leave before you start to allow yourself to have feeling for someone else.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

I'm glad you find my perspective helpful, I think I understand your situation.

I'm unclear why your therapist cannot see the two of you together..I understand the boundary issue..but not so much as he becoming a patient, but to see "the relationship" as the patient. Surely your therapist is aware that it's the relationship that is a primary cause of your seeking help. 

Aside from that clarification, I think it's important to discuss with your H the importance for you of him getting and staying well, and that means meds and (his) therapy. Although I'd steer clear of sounding like you're giving him an ultimatum, I also think its very important for him to realize how overwhelmed you are and also, how serious both his condition is..as well as your resolve. It's doubtful that he can appreciate that.

Ultimately, this is a hard pull b/c you're working against not so much resistance from marital issues, but mental illness. I'd start by clarifying with your therapist your desire to broaden the work to include the relationship, and also clarify your expectations with H concerning compliance with it, meds, and his own therapy.

His response to all that very good plan might make your choice that much easier, sadly.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I was going to encourage you to wait and see what happened with this job, then read that he bailed on the interview! Ugh. I would suggest you consult an attorney before you tell him you want to end things, because my concern is you being responsible for spousal support since he isn't working, and for the custody of your kids as well. I know many states don't do alimony any more, and he is perfectly capable of working, so it MAY not be an issue, but I would do the checking first so you know what you are up against.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Maybe I'm just a well-meaning coward and I really don't care what marriage counsellors, preachers, or even my well meaning cohorts here at TAM might say, but a marriage and all of it's many commitments is something that comes solely from the heart and should never be placed in the very dire position of ever being "fought for!"

Save yourself and your children! You have, in effect, been "abandoned" and deserve far, far better!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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