# Is he or isn't he



## girlconfused (Feb 10, 2016)

I have been pondering this question for many months now.....while I was away on a business trip I found my husband in gay chatrooms and searching porn of all kinds. He had left the office for the afternoon to use my old laptop where his office could not find out. He was even looking up where 2 gentlemen lived within about 100 miles of our home.

I have to say that over the years we have both had some indiscretions. 

I confronted him of my knowledge when I got home from my trip. He was devastated and very apologetic. Said it was nothing that he is not gay and that doesn't interest him. He pushed aside with "i like to look at porn and look at all kinds...."

We have seen several MC. They all seem to think it is nothing but if that is true why does it still bother me?

I am not sure what to do? I love him but I honestly cannot get my mind wrapped around the fact that he was interested in gay porn and chatting online. We have had sex since then but I am having a very hard time with getting back into the oral sex.

What to do? Would like to hear your thoughts.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

There's another thread going on here about a woman who found out her husband was sucking other men's penises and even took it in the a$$ once from a guy and he insists he isn't gay either.

If that guy isn't gay then your husband isn't either.

He probably just peruses gay chatrooms, looks at gay porn and gets phone numbers of gay guys within driving distance just because he's got nothing better to do.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Girl, for your safety assume that he is cheating on you with other men. Part of the standard advice given to the betrayed spouse is to get tested for STDs. I know you do not want to hear that, but IMO your situation involves a high risk group and protecting yourself from STDs should be your very first concern. You may want to lay off the sex or insist on condom use until this is gotten under control, if it ever is. 

Of course he will say that he is not gay. 

I am so sorry for you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

girlconfused said:


> He pushed aside with "i like to look at porn and look at all kinds...."


Regarding porn and self exploration, if one is not inhibited by sexual disgust, them "all kinds of porn" actually do offer unique opportunities to learn something. 

Porn also induces in men a primary motivation to use "novelty" as way to drive desire beyond one's known limits. Scientific studies have proven that men overstimulated with heterosexual content will then turn to alternate forms of sexual orientation in pursuit of more "novelty."

So yes, heterosexual men occasionally find themselves viewing LGBT content, but it does not mean that they are have altered their orientation. Sexual orientation is considered to be an enduring state of being, which means the person always was and always will be that way.

If a counselor/therapist advises you one way or the other regarding this topic, listen to it.

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

girlconfused said:


> I have been pondering this question for many months now.....while I was away on a business trip I found my husband in gay chatrooms and searching porn of all kinds. He had left the office for the afternoon to use my old laptop where his office could not find out. He was even looking up where 2 gentlemen lived within about 100 miles of our home.
> 
> I have to say that over the years we have both had some indiscretions.
> 
> ...


Interesting this is the second thread today on this subject.

I'm just a regular open minded guy but searching / chatting on gay websites is a sign.

The fact that several MC didn't see any issues with this has me scratching my head ,,, maybe I'm just not seeing it ,,,, I just don't see what heterosexual men find interesting in gay porn if they're not getting any stimulation from it. 

Lastly how many heterosexual men would chat on a gay website? 

Now if he were chatting with women and said "I'm not gay",,, OK but chatting on a gay website and saying "i'm not gay or bisexual?" Im not buying that. 

You should not have unprotect sex with him !


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Am I the only one so far who is seeing past the apparent bisexual interests of OPs husband?

Who cares who he's screwing around with - he's screwing around, period.

That's the real concern.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

girlconfused said:


> I have to say that over the years *we have both had some indiscretions*.





alexm said:


> Am I the only one so far who is seeing past the apparent bisexual interests of OPs husband?
> 
> Who cares who he's screwing around with - he's screwing around, period.
> 
> That's the real concern.


The OP admits that *neither* of them are perfect in regards to "indiscretions" so I think she is willing to look past that. At least for the purpose of this thread. 

I think this is a case of, "I'm not perfect, neither are you, but I still love you, is it possible for you to still love me" type of scenario that is based on questioning his orientation. 

Badsanta


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I agree with @badsanta and @alexm. I think you are understandably threatened by your husbands interest in gay sex. If gay sex turns him on, you can't possibly hope to compete because you cannot give him gay sex. 

The real issue you should focus on is the infidelity on both of your parts. Both of you have been unfaithful to each other and unless that has been an agreed upon open marriage, it has to stop.

My personal belief is that spying on your spouse should only be done when you are prepared for an unhappy answer. You spied on his internet use and now you have to bear the confusion this has caused. Never ask a question unless you're ready for the answer. Checking to see what porn your husband watches is an invasion of his privacy. Unless porn use interferes with a couple's sex life it should be his or her choice to share what they like to watch. 

Prior to learning of his porn choices did you sense his sexuality wasn't tuned in to you? Did you sense that your sex life with him lacked emotional intimacy of sufficient passion? If you didn't, and you checked up on him because you suspected he was cheating, then the burden is on you to overcome the emotional backlash of learning that his sexuality is broadly fluid and includes gay sex.

And who know better about what makes a man a gay man than gay men?

Straight Men Are A Lot More Bisexual Than You Might Think / Queerty


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think that at this point he will say anything to both you any any marriage counselor you might use to get you to believe he's not really gay or bi. To someone who is not, looking at that kind of porn would be discusting. I think he's lying and it's propbably time for you to look into divorcing him.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

This type of issue is hard to get past as water under the bridge. It's probably best if you move on.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hopefully @girlconfused will add her thoughts to this post so that the next round of comments can be offered. Would be good to know what is her primary concern. Husband being gay/bi or the infidelity, or both? Or neither. Maybe this is not a problem for her.


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## girlconfused (Feb 10, 2016)

oh, I did forget to mention that I did not spy on him. I was out of the country and using my safari app on my phone....scrolled down to the bottom and noticed for the first time that it is linked to my other devices (mac book pro, iPad). I did not have the mac book pro with me but there was activity on it! I first saw silver daddies and thought to myself it might be a site for jewelry because my son was looking at an engagement ring for his girlfriend......I very quickly realized that there other sites coming online.....this was in the middle of the day! I was 7 hours away - went to dinner and came back to the room to see that he was still at it! So I did not spy on him.....the information literally fell into my lap. 

Also, about 15 years ago I was on my home computer and all of the sudden a naked man picture appeared out of nowhere....or so it seemed. Then I thought to myself - that doesn't just happen. So I confronted my husband he blamed his visiting sister. Very, very unlikely that it was his sister. It was a creepy picture of a man at his desk with his pants down and his pants down. I shut it off quickly with out really investigating to see if it might have been a picture of my husband that he was sending to someone. After much thought I think that is what it was....but since I shut it off and had not proof I had to just leave it at that.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear girlconfused;

You have gotten a lot of great advise. 

(1) Get yourself STD tested.
(2) sit down with you H and possibly a sex therapist.

You need to find out to "your" satisfaction that you are in a monogamous relationship if that is important to you (it would be to me). He needs to understand that you have fears based on what you saw. Yes, he is embarrassed and probably wants to gloss over the issues, but you do have a right to resolve what you saw in a non-humiliating way until you are satisfied as to knowing your situation. If he objects, tell him that you got STD tested and absolutely need to know what he is or will do in the future as it is your health and his.

I would say that as long as you have had sex with him in the past, he is not "gay." He may be bisexual or bi-curious, or just have a bi-sexual or gay fantasy. My perspective is that there are 3 hypothetical realities.

(a) He is bisexual and wants to have sex with both men and women. If so then what are your boundaries? 

(b) He is bi-curious and is just teasing, tempting himself with his chats and looking up local men.

(c) he has a sexual fantasy involving either him "doing" another man; being "done" by a man, or a mutual guy-guy thing. 

Would you be willing to do role playing with him? 

You should talk to him and get a script agreed to, if you do the role playing. Role playing may be enough for him and help you keep your relationship a monogamous one.

If so maybe you and he can play once a couple weeks or month or just once. You can blindfold him, tie him up or not, put a strap-on on yourself, talk to him in a deep voice and then have each other play with the real and fake guy-bits in whatever he desires and your boundaries allow you.

If you would like to take a smaller step in that direction, find out if there is a women's strip club in your area. That is one where there are male strippers. If so take your guy and get a lap dance for yourself and see how your guy likes that. If he can handle it ask a dancer if he would give both you and your guy dances? 

Good luck.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> Dear girlconfused;
> 
> You have gotten a lot of great advise.
> 
> ...


I think young at heart hits the nail on the head although not sure what the Gay strip thing will do... 

I would consider myself fairly open minded. That said, I would never surf for men in my area out of "curiosity". I find it particular suspect since he did it at a time when he would have opportunity to follow through with one of these men. Unless you catch him red-handed, you will never know the truth but should assume the worst I guess. 

I think you need to sort out if you can live with this. My guess he has been with other men and this urge to be with other men will not go away.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> And who know better about what makes a man a gay man than gay men?
> 
> Straight Men Are A Lot More Bisexual Than You Might Think / Queerty


I think there might be some bias there. Most of the straight men I know are revolted by gay sex, and there is research showing this as well.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

I have recently noticed a huge increase in married people coming out. It seems that the ever-increasing acceptance (thank God) has enabled Gay/bi people to stop the denial and do what they are inclined to do. 

I also have become much more aware of the "down-low" thing..that is guys who call themselves straight although they have sex with men....go figure. There are guys in my close circle of friends that I believe do things on the down low. The whole thing is consistent with the notion that there is a straight/gay continuum that where many of us fall in between.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Here is my thoughts: I like all sorts of porn even some gay porn although I lean more towards bisexual porn. That is not my main interest though. It is just something different and of interest to me. Does not turn me on though. I look at porn that shows 500 lb. women, ugly women, all types of fetishes, etc.. I am inquisitive and want to see all the various forms of sex. If you look at my web browser history you would see that I am all over the place form gay to straight and everything in-between. I am fascinated by anything I come across that I have not seen before. My wife is fine with me watching porn. I would not worry. At worst your husband would be considered as bisxual. 

My wife is bi and we found a way to incorporate that into our marriage without putting it at risk and benefiting all. I suspected that my wife was sexually interested in woman so I talked about how I wonder how a FFM threesome would be like. That let her know that I was open to it and she did the rest. I did not ask her if she was bi until 30 years after she got girlfriend. I waited for her to tell me the obvious.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

girlconfused said:


> I have been pondering this question for many months now.....while I was away on a business trip I found my husband in gay chatrooms and searching porn of all kinds. He had left the office for the afternoon to use my old laptop where his office could not find out. He was even looking up where 2 gentlemen lived within about 100 miles of our home.
> 
> I have to say that over the years we have both had some indiscretions.
> 
> ...



People do what they desire. If your hubby wants to have sex with men, its because he likes it and wants men. That means he is gay, or at least bi sexual, for now.

Saying he isn't gay when he checks out gay chat rooms and tries to hook up with gay men is a lie.


Do I look at gay porn and visit gay chat sites? No.

Why not? Because I'm married to Mrs.CuddleBug and I love her.

Do I occasionally check out women porn? Yes.

Why? Because I love everything about the ladies.

Do I then tell Mrs.CuddleBug I'm not straight? No.


Your hubby is more than likely gay and if you wouldn't of caught him early on, he would of met some gay men to have sex and you would be divorced.

I hope I'm wrong about this.


If Mrs.CuddleBug told me today, she also likes the ladies but has never told anyone before, I would say to her, fantasize about the ladies but we are married and no going out to have sex with ladies. If you can't do this, we divorce because we are married and I will not live with an adulterous wife.


I'd say almost every guys fantasy is to have a 3 some with two women. I know I would. But I also know someone always gets hurt and the marriages usually end up in divorce. Its like playing with fire and expecting not to be burned. Consequences people are trying to avoid.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

technovelist said:


> I think there might be some bias there. Most of the straight men I know are revolted by gay sex, and there is research showing this as well.


I can see why you may say this. Most of your friends have picked up on the notion that while a female is bisexual that it is somehow cool yet if a man is...yuk. Many of us men, make statements, jokes or more subtle body language that sends a message to other men that having any bi tendencies is strictly forbidden.

Shouldn't we all find it rather revealing, if not strange that men have sex with men (anal or oral) could consider themselves straight.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Having lesbian, gay and bi tendencies is nothing new or modern. That's been around since the roman empire times and since the beginning of time.

People do what they desire. Genetics don't make you do anything. We all have moral free will and some chose to discipline themselves, while others give into their carnal desires.

When married, you are to be faithful to each other. That means no sex with anyone else besides your spouse. Otherwise, you are purposefully committing adultery. You should of stayed single and had an open dating relationship.

Today, even marriage is under attack. People used to respect what marriage is really all about, but now having sex with other people because you desire it, while married, is okay. That's one reason of many why marriages don't last and its more of a farce today then in my great grandparents day.

Now all that aside, I too would love to have sex with two other women. I desire it. I occasionally view woman porn. Must be my genetics. No. I chose not to go out and have sex with other women. Moral free will and choice. Remember this: you are the master of your life. All choices are free will in the end and no one made you do what you chose to do.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

technovelist said:


> I think there might be some bias there. Most of the straight men I know are revolted by gay sex, and there is research showing this as well.


I don't doubt most straight men report being revolted by the thought of gay sex, but I do doubt the research backs this up. You can't remove socialization from bias.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I don't doubt most straight men report being revolted by the thought of gay sex, but I do doubt the research backs this up. You can't remove socialization from bias.


Totally anon! 

Recently have have been made aware of 2 women that have left their husbands to be with women. I have strong reasons to believe a male friend is on the "down-low". I have 3 cousins that are out of the closet gay or bi with another that is still in the closet, I should note he is the only male, supporting the notion that men may be less likely to admit that they are gay. It should be noted I have 14 cousins. So for my cousins, I have 21% admitted. If I were to take the not so giant leap of faith to include my male "in the closet one" I am at 28%. A good friend of my wife is bi. Let's not forget that there is a whole subculture of men that have sex with men but, claim to be straight. Google "men on the down low". We have come a long way but, the stigma against gay men is still alive and well and the numbers are probably inaccurate. 

The centers for disease control can profess the number of straight to be 96% but, my life experience tells me otherwise. "Studies" are only as accurate as the methodology and the honesty of the respondents.


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