# Lost hope



## Serenity76 (Apr 11, 2013)

I have been married for 16 years and I'm not sure how much more I can handle. My marriage has seen more bad times than good but I took my vows seriously and I have continued to try to make it work. I just don't feel like I have any fight left in me anymore. In the beginning we had a great relationship, as most couples do. We were close and connected on so many levels. It feels like everything changed suddenly one day out of the blue. Or at least for me it felt that way.

Our problems started when my husband propositioned a woman we know for sex. She said no and told me about it. I had no warning signs, everything in the marriage at the time seemed good. He denied the incident for 2 years claiming she was a liar until one day he finally confessed when I asked about it. When I asked why he did it he said it was because I wasn't giving him enough oral sex. It took me awhile but I finally forgave him and decided to move on and work it out.

Things were back to normal (or so I thought) until the second incident where this time he picked up a girl while he was supposed to be working and once again tried to get sex. He had to tell me about this situation because he got into trouble. We separated and he moved in with his parents. I felt like something was wrong with me and I couldn't make my husband happy. When I asked him this time why he did it his excuse was he didn't know. Then he said because he wanted to. He also said a fellow coworker was telling him stories of a weekend affair he had while working away. 
We went for counseling for 3 months until we couldn't afford it any longer and had no choice but to stop. My husband was very open and talked to me daily about his feelings and issues and I thought he was genuinely interested in working on his issues and our marriage. He cried saying he didn't want to lose me. I believed his promises and thought we possibly had a shot of a happy marriage. I let him come back home and I thought I made the right decision. I really wanted to make my marriage work. 

Slowly things started to progress from good to bad. He stopped communicating with me and became distant. I wasn't getting any attention or intimacy. There is no romance at all. We were having sex but it was just that. There was no emotion it was just the act. Most times without me getting any satisfaction from it. I felt horrible about myself and became depressed. The only time he would show me attention was when he wanted sex and that "attention" was a grope or sexual comment. Some days he would be a little too pushy in getting what he wanted. I felt used and alone. I felt like what I wanted didn't matter.

When he isn't trying to get sex he is either completely absorbed in work, tv, video games or anything else that he is interested in. There always seems to be something more important to him than me or family time. His relationship with his kids has become non existent as well. He makes comments about how they are closer to me but does not try to improve his relationship with them either. This upsets me greatly. 

I tried several times to talk with him about this and other issues in our marriage. It was usually one sided. He would sit and stare at me while I talked and he would only answer with no, uh huh, nope, I don't know. Sometimes he wouldn't even look at me while I talked to him and would stare at the tv or anywhere else. I wrote him letters, cried, begged, screamed, and bought marriage books. He would promise to work on us and he would try for maybe a week or two but it never lasts. He has used many excuses for his behavior saying he is selfish, he doesn't know how to fix us, I nag too much, I don't give him enough sex, even going as far as telling me he likes pissing me off. Then he will buy me something and think that makes up for what he has done and he is a good husband. Seriously? Like love can be bought... He claims he loves me, he claims he cares about me, and he claims he wants to be with me. I don't feel it. I don't feel loved. I don't feel cared for. I don't trust him. I don't understand how someone can say they love you and then treat you like you don't matter.

I have given this man everything I could. We have two wonderful children that will be crushed if this marriage ends. I love his family and they have been good to me. His mother talks with me often and she knows of our struggles. She tries to help but there isn't much she can do. I told him I can't continue to live like this. Something has to change. He says he doesn't want to lose me but doesn't know how to fix it. I have lost hope. Does anyone see any hope?


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Serenity, you are in a very difficult situation as are so many of us here. I always feel bad when I see yet another new member arrive with a story like yours. 

The only thing to understand here is that you have zero control over him, no matter what you say to him or do for him. Release yourself from feeling like there's more you should have done or could do. From what you've written, this is all on him and it seems like he is checking out. It also seems like, even if things were to look and feel better for a time, it would be surface stuff....the realization that he has sexual need and loyalty issues will always be a burner. It's a very tough spot for sure.

I very recently read a great book that helped me see through the muddy waters; TOO GOOD TO LEAVE, TOO BAD TO STAY. Another excellent book to try would be CODEPENDENT NO MORE.

Sorry you're here


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## Serenity76 (Apr 11, 2013)

Thank you PinkSalmon. You are right, I don't have any control over him. I am realizing this more each day. It just hurts that I tried so hard and it feels like I wasted the effort. I appreciate the book suggestion and I will check it out.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Sadly.....love is often bought, and sold....

he needs IC in a major way..... his priorities are totally f'ed up

if you feel you gave all you could....have no regrets

obviously he is not taking you seriously, when you express your

feelings. Question-how was his childhood?


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## Serenity76 (Apr 11, 2013)

The beginning of his childhood was fine. His family did a lot together and were involved in many things. 
When he was in his teen years his father became an alcoholic and his parents fought a lot.They separated twice. When I met my husband his father was in jail for a dui and he was basically the man of the house, taking care of his mom. 
Since then his father has not touched alcohol and has made amends with everyone in the family.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

childhood trauma can stunt someone's growth, emotionally

may be he is regressing to the time period he lost

by no means is that an excuse. is there any sliding scale MCs

or church who could offer assistance? Something is eating at him,

and IMO, can very well be the root or one of the branches of his

behavior. It may come down to saying, "You either need to get help

and I will support you if you do or.....we need to separate."

No reason you should have to live the way you described


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