# Transitioning



## Naturalbeauty (Nov 11, 2016)

Hello, I am new to the site. Just recently ( a few weeks ago) I told my soon to be X husband I am moving out. Hopefully I can do this within the next few months but so far we are only civil while still under the same roof. In other words only speaking when necessary. We have one daughter together she is 14. I don't want to write a book on this post but we married in 2004 and he is an alcoholic. A functioning alcoholic, so ever since 2004 I have suffered through his addiction along with mental verbal and physical abuse. Also I have a bit of proof that he has been unfaithful off and on throughout the marriage. Also, we have a non-existent sex life and have for years. I honestly made a mistake marrying him. I love him but not as a husband and we have basically been living like room mates for years. I am 42 he is 44. So in all actuality , we have been separated for a long time but living together. I feel like my entire life is screwed up. I have also suffered some physical abuse as well from him but most of the abuse has been mental, emotional, and verbal. When I cry and I mean cry real tears he laughs at me. He thinks it is funny to see his wife sit and cry. Also, he says he does not care about my daughter and I moving out. I honestly feel like it is because he has someone already (and probably has had her for a while) I feel like I married my father because he was a horrible alcoholic throughout my marriage! How did this happen to me as a child of an alcoholic.

Also, around Valentines Day he actually told me he "Hates me and wish I would just die" "He hates me and wish that I were dead" so my question is how do I get my strength. He has told me he hates me many times. Also during one physical fight where he was choking me, my 14 year old daughter walked in and screamed for him to let me go and he let me go. I don't want her to suffer any more so ............ I am very depressed not because I want him back but because my marriage has failed I wasted all of those years with an narcissic alcoholic. His drinking always comes before his family and ALSO I RAISED HIS DAUGHTER WHOM HE HAD WHEN WE MET! She was 6 when we met and now she is 22. That hurts even more........so to all the newly seperated how did you get through the initial phases? Thanks  I am not really worried financially because I have been on my job 20 years, have a nice car, but mentally I don't know how I will fare. Thanks (sorry so long)


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long ago was the last time he attacked you physically?


----------



## Naturalbeauty (Nov 11, 2016)

To be honest, I believe it was Valentines weekend , but for so many years now we have not even been a real couple. This entire marriage has been spent with me crying and emotionally hurting and also him drinking. No intimacy, no compliments, no sex, NOTHING. I am just tired and emotionally drained. I know that I love him (meaning father of my child and don't want to see nothing bad happen to him) but I am not INLOVE with him. I know there is a difference you know?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes I know the difference.

Why didn't you call the police when he attacked you? If he does that again you or your daughter need to call the police. He needs to have someone teach him that he cannot treat you like that. Plus you can have him permanently removed from the home.

Where is your extended family? Do they live near you?

What kind of support system do you have?


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Yep, Elegirl is correct. I grew up with an abusive alcoholic and tried committing suicide to escape it all. It was only a factor as I suffered abuse in school as well, but the home life was the main contributor. You need to protect yourself and your daughter against him as only you have the power and that responsibility falls on you to be a role model and take a stand.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Naturalbeauty said:


> so to all the newly seperated how did you get through the initial phases? Thanks  I am not really worried financially because I have been on my job 20 years, have a nice car, but mentally I don't know how I will fare. Thanks (sorry so long)


Frankly, it sounds like you'll find being on your own a breath of refreshing air! You are a strong woman to have endured this for so long. I think you have nothing to worry about.


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Is there a specific reason you are still under the same roof with him? 

Forgive me, but he sounds like rabid dog. He needs to be taken away in handcuffs.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Naturalbeauty said:


> Also, around Valentines Day he actually told me he "Hates me and wish I would just die" "He hates me and wish that I were dead" so my question is how do I get my strength. He has told me he hates me many times. Also during one physical fight where he was choking me, my 14 year old daughter walked in and screamed for him to let me go and he let me go. I don't want her to suffer any more so ............ I am very depressed not because I want him back but because my marriage has failed I wasted all of those years with an narcissic alcoholic. His drinking always comes before his family and ALSO I RAISED HIS DAUGHTER WHOM HE HAD WHEN WE MET! She was 6 when we met and now she is 22. That hurts even more........so to all the newly seperated how did you get through the initial phases? Thanks  I am not really worried financially because I have been on my job 20 years, have a nice car, *but mentally I don't know how I will fare*. Thanks (sorry so long)


You are going to fare a hell of a lot better than STAYING with this abuser! Don't beat yourself up, you cannot dwell on mistakes of the past. Focus on NOW. NOW you are getting out and changing your life and your daughter's life for the better. Your life is going to improve in ways you cannot even think of right now. You will be free. Good for you for getting out, you are setting a good example for your daughter by doing so.


----------



## Naturalbeauty (Nov 11, 2016)

Awww thanks  I will be on here for support. I do have bouts of severe depression. Some days I wake up depressed then some days I wake up feeling pretty good, but through all of those feelings I still have not had a change of heart. I am truly miserable and have lost myself believe me if your spouse tells you something like " I hate you and wish you were dead" ( AND NO HE WAS SOBER WHEN HE SAID THIS) then...................I hope I make it I feel awful and now he is trying to put a guilt trip on me but I am ignoring him and still telling him that I am moving. I have no extended family to move with so I am just saving my money and trying to relocate within the next few months hopefully by february.


----------



## Naturalbeauty (Nov 11, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Frankly, it sounds like you'll find being on your own a breath of refreshing air! You are a strong woman to have endured this for so long. I think you have nothing to worry about.


Thanks and I am just afraid mostly of the unknown. The first night in my new place I am probably going to wake up and cry really bad, I have not been by myself since 2004 so indeed it is going to take some adjusting and I am not sure how my 14 year old daughter will handle it. She keeps telling me that she is MORE THAN READY for us to move and that she does not want to stay here with him any longer. She says that she will adjust and she also says that she does NOT plan to cry.


----------



## Naturalbeauty (Nov 11, 2016)

To be honest I am not sure why I didn't call the police when he attacked me. One night I followed him outside to his car as we were arguing and he kicked me in my side and then he took my fingers and bent them back real far. I guess the reason I didn't call was out of fear? Emotionally I am ruined for any other relationship and I do not have plans to ever remarry. I think that while I am embarking on separation and going through the separation I am going to go to counseling  maybe it will help me? I have awesome insurance through my employer that will cover counseling sessions with any Psychologist, Counselor, or Psychiatrist or marriage therapist.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Counseling is an excellent idea for sure. It sounds like you have been through a lot. Its perfectly ok if you end up never wanting a relationship again, it would be understandable after what you've had to deal with. Its unlikely you will feel that way forever, but there is not a thing wrong with being on your own. 

I am glad that your daughter is on board with leaving. Whenever you think you are starting to waiver, just think about her and what this has been doing to her. But, I dont think that will be an issue, you sound strong in your decision.


----------

