# Co-Parenting



## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

So in another thread several people have casually said that for a man who is unhappy staying in a relationship for the kid's/kids' sake is "wrong": "Just split up and co-parent!". No big deal, piece of cake, right... Are there any successful examples of this out there? Do you feel like you would have been a better parent had you stayed? If there is a stepfather in your child's life, did you end up an outsider to your child? Or did it turn out better for your child(ren) and for you, despite seeing less of him/her/them? Any other insights from _men with actual experience_ on this front are welcome.


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

I'm also interested in this. The thread I started and the other one by Beachguy have a lot of useful insight, but nothing from anyone who has tried cohabitation/coparenting. 

I've got the impression it's 1. Suck it up and get a Divorce, or 2. Beat your head against the wall trying to "win" your your spouse back. 

Don't get me wrong I've really appreciated all the thoughtful responses from everyone who has been through tough times.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I divorced my son’s father in 1996. Son was in 2nd grade. 
Divorce is never a piece of cake. But it was the right thing for me to do for all of us… my ex, my son and me.

The co-parenting was not all that hard at all. The ex was angry/bitter for while (don’t know why). But things settled down. At first our son did not like it. He suggest to me that we all live in one house my ex would get ½ of the house and I would get the other half… and of course our young mediator would have the run of the house. Lol

Then I remarried in 2000 to a man who had custody of his two children, D10 and S12. My son was 10 at the time as well. His wife had abandoned him and the kids for her alcoholic AP.

No I would not have been a better parent had I stayed. My ex was emotionally abusive and becoming physically abusive. He was had emotionally left me and the marriage years before I left. And he was a serial cheater the entire marriage. 

Even my son at his young age told me that I had to divorce his father. It was good for my son as he was with me about 60% of the time. So he was able to get long breaks from his angry father. He also learned the lesson that if you yell, insult and physically abuse your spouse, they will dump you eventually.

I would do it again in a heartbeat.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Thanks, guys (or guy & gal)!

I guess I need to clarify that I'm not questioning the wisdom of divorce in an abusive or just plain absent relationship. What really surprised in some other threads was the suggestion that if the home is entirely stable, exemplary even, with a caring relationship between partners--just partners who fizzled out to living as roommates--and between parents and children, it is still somehow bad for the child if the father chooses to continue on rather than seek a chance at a happy sexual relationship with another woman (and allow the mother to seek new relationships as well).


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

That is exactly what I noticed. Only black or white. No grey. 

I certainly wouldn't advocate anyone staying in an abusive/toxic situation. 

I know my boys love my wife and me immensely. They would be devastated if we divorced and they had to bounce between us. 

I really think if both parents could come to an amicable agreement with rules and boundaries, there's no reason coparenting/cohabitation couldn't work. 

I think kids need both of their parents
In their lives 24/7. Both parents made the choice to have children, it's on us to continue raising, loving and enjoying them every single day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

moco82 said:


> Thanks, guys (or guy & gal)!
> 
> I guess I need to clarify that I'm not questioning the wisdom of divorce in an abusive or just plain absent relationship. What really surprised in some other threads was the suggestion that if the home is entirely stable, exemplary even, with a caring relationship between partners--just partners who fizzled out to living as roommates--and between parents and children, it is still somehow bad for the child if the father chooses to continue on rather than seek a chance at a happy sexual relationship with another woman (and allow the mother to seek new relationships as well).


In the circumstance that you give here it's really up to the couple. If they are ok with their relationship and are really not suffering, then if they so choose by all means stay together for the children.

Very often the situation is that one or both of the couple are in some deep emotional pain over the decline in the marriage.

Personnally.... If the couple are such good, stable people they should work to rebuild their passion for each other. If they were 'in love' once they can get back to that. Why not if the household they have created is to good and strong for the children. It's a good, strong foundation for them as well.


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

Well said.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

To some extent, my ex is more involved in the kids' lives b/c I'm not there and he is forced to be. 

We were supposed to be "nesting" (kids stay at home, we have an apt that one of us goes to when the other one is with the kids, basically 3.5 days/week, then switch). The ex couldn't handle living alone (he was 51 when we divorced). So while the kids have been in the house the whole time, some of time both the ex and I are living there, and sometimes one of us (usually me) has a separate place. He has spent time away on "my days" when he has had a girlfriend to stay with, but each time he breaks up with one, he moves back into the house. 

I have told him that he needs to move out--he agreed to let me have the house when he was planning to marry one of his gfs, and I did a lot of work in the house under that agreement. He wasn't mentally stable enough to move out on his own in the past (after each break up, he'd slide back into several months of anxiety and depression), but now he seems to be willing to give it a go. 

I'm hoping we have separate households by the time school starts in Sept. 

We have been separated/divorced for 3 years now, and things have been really stable for the kids. B/c he was never the 'go to" type of parent, the kids didn't feel the impact of his mental health issues as much as they might have--and as far as I can tell, the kids are doing really well-grades are good, friendships are good, choices they make are good. They were 11 and 8 at the beginning, 14 and almost 11 now. 

The research has shown that what hurts kids about divorce isn't the divorce itself--it's being put in the middle and forced or encouraged to choose sides. Losing contact with a parent (b/c one parent has "won" the battle for sole custody and fights to keep the other parent from seeing the kids) is experienced by kids as parental abandonment. That is why it is so, so important to make sure your ex has time with the kids--in person, phone calls, whatever--no matter how screwed up the ex might be. Courts will order supervised visits to help kids maintain that contact. It's really hard to bear if the ex is *truly* ill-mentally ill, drug addicted, etc.--but the contact is supervised so that the ex cannot say/do things that would be damaging to the kids. 

Generally, though, kids who are primarily with one parent but see the other on a regular basis do really well--as well as kids whose parents do not divorce--as long as neither parent is trying to make the other one out to be the bad guy. 50/50 custody is great if both parents do their share well, but the "usual' arrangement with younger kids--most time with mom (who has typically been the primary caregiver), Wed. nights and every other weekend with dad--works fine too. 

I don't know if I answered your question, but I was trying to!


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Wow, thanks for the responses! I guess that if the parents have the stability, the work ethic, and the common sense to raise children well, whether they cohabit or not doesn't make or break the childhood experience. I can't help but wonder, though, how often the non-custodial (I'm making up words now) spouse ends up getting demonized even if things were amicable at the time of the split-up.

Eight years ago one of my friends had a son with a long-time girlfriend with whom things weren't going well (after 5+ years together). He stayed with her for the first year to help out (which was hell, according to him, with emotional abuse from her), and then they went their separate ways. The first several years were good. He saw his healthy wonderful boy often, and she went out and dated. In the recent couple of years, though, unable to find a partner to settle down with, her bitterness seeps through to the kid. Her message changed from "daddy left me" to "daddy left us", and the boy may be buying that.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

No words will offset your friend's behavior toward his son. Heck if the situation were reversed--he rarely showed up to spend time with the kid, but she told the kid, "your daddy loves you a lot," the kid wouldn't believe her very much. He will figure out what daddy is like on his own, by the time spent with dad. 

People seem to think that anything but a nuclear family is wrong for kids, and historically, that nuclear family is both recent and still not the norm in the world. Before the 20th century, kids often lost one or both parents due to early death and would be raised by a step parent, who remarried and brought in a new step parent! Kids left home at age 7 for apprenticeships, etc., etc. 

What is important for a child's sense of stability is that the adults in his life keep their commitments to HIM. They show up when they say they will; they do what they say they will do. They meet his needs when he asks for something (not the same as buying everything his little heart desires). They anticipate his needs by making themselves available. A kid feels safe when the primary caregive is close at hand; he will learn to feel safe when a the second parent takes on, and does well in, the role of primary caregive in a separate household. 

There are some excellent studies on the impact of divorce that you can find online or at the library. Good luck.


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