# Trust and Marriage (sorry this is long, I'm telling the whole story)



## Martini22887 (Aug 8, 2012)

I am just going to lay everything out on the line here. No sense in hiding anything, seeing as how I am seeking advice, and want to put out both sides of the story.

My husband and I have been married for a year and 3 months. We were together for 5 months before we got married. I found out after we got married, that the night before him and I met (we were set up by my best friend), he ran a background check on me. He played it off by saying that he just wanted to make sure I wasn't a serial killer. I just laughed it off and never thought of it again until last night (which we will get to in a short minute). 

Before our wedding, my husband was stationed in Texas. Our entire relationship was over the phone and Skype until we got married. I moved out to Texas a week after our wedding, and his parents followed along a day later, and stayed for 2 1/2 months. During that time, my husband and I went to a party. I had been drinking and all I thought I was doing was laughing and having a good time. My husband got angry and wanted to leave. I protested and said I was having a good time and that I wasn't ready to leave yet. He said that if I didn't get in the car that my clothes would be packed up, and a plane ticket would be waiting for me once I got home. So, I got in the car and left with him. As soon as we got home, he left and ran to his parents. I had no idea (at the time) where he had gone. His phone was off, and so were his parents phones. He finally came home at 7am the next morning. I was outside on the porch, as I couldn't sleep, when he came up and asked me if he had married a *****. Of course I got angry, and asked him if that is what he thought of me. Long story short, we made up. 

Recently, for the last few weeks, I have been having constant deja vu. Something bad has come shortly after. I had this strange dream about an ex boyfriend of mine, and so I contacted him on facebook, and I was right; something was wrong.

My husband was out in the field last week doing some training (he is deploying in December), and when he came back, we had a little argument. I had a bad week, he only got three hours of sleep each night he was in the field, so we were both on edge when he got home. I decided that I was going to go to the grocery store, and he stayed behind. While I was gone, he decided to take it upon himself and hack my facebook account. Of course, he found the messages to my ex (mind you, they were completely innocent). All that was talked about was the issues he was going through, he asked how my life and marriage was going, etc. There was a part in there that my ex had mentioned about our relationship (6 years ago), and I told him that everything happens for a reason, that it wasn't meant to be. 

I came home from the grocery store, and my husband was gone. I called him and he kept sending me to voice mail. At one point, his phone called me, and I heard him talking in the background out the emails to my ex, and our past issues (that I thought were in the past) from the party, and he still referred to me as a *****. When I finally got a hold of him, he told me that he didn't know if he was coming back that night and that he didn't want to talk to me. I told him that we needed to talk, and to come home. He wanted me to tell him over the phone what I needed to say. I didn't think that that conversation should have been had over the phone. He insisted, and I told him that I had an issue with him not coming to me to see what was wrong, and instead hacking my facebook, and snooping. He denied that he ever did such a thing (even though I heard him say on the phone that he did). So I got pissed and hung up.

He finally came home about an hour later, and told me to sit down. He had printed out the entire conversation between my ex and I. He said that something seemed off about me, and that he decided to log onto my facebook and see if I had told anyone about my apparent issues. He then proceeded to tell me that I had committed infidelity...We got into a huge fight. He told me that he didn't trust me, and that I was in the wrong AGAIN. Apparently he didn't see that him going behind my back instead of talking to me, wasn't wrong.

Now I am hearing from people that he works with, that he made extra copies of the email chain between my ex and I, having people outside of our marriage read it, and is trying to get everyone on his side. I also found out that a friend of his was telling him how to go about tapping my phone line, and is even going as far as doing background checks on people that I work with. Not only that, but he is making things up, saying that I am hooking up with people at clubs.

1. I don't go to clubs.
2. I am married, so even if I did go to clubs, it would be with him.
3. From what I hear FROM MY HUSBAND (who has gone to the clubs a few times), I wouldn't even want to set foot in any club around here, because it is a bunch of soldiers playing grab ass.

I am at that point where I have no idea what to do anymore. He tells me that if I walk out that door, I am not allowed back. When I ask him what he wants, he says that he doesn't know. I get the feeling that he wants me to leave him (because in his mind it would mean that I am guilty for something that I didn't even do). I will admit, maybe I should have never even contacted my ex. Guys think of it as betrayal. Something innocent in my eyes, is completely different in his. 

Any advice on this situation would help. I will even take constructive criticism. I am not afraid to admit when I am wrong, but, I don't think I am.

Thanks in advanced!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Martini,

While your husband is definitely acting like an azz, contacting and ex WAS a bad idea. It reinforced his ideas that you were up to something (right or wrong)

To be blunt, he sounds very immature and paranoid. Are you really sure you want to stay in this relationship?

Has this behavior just started or does it go all the way back to the beginning of the marriage?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

This is one of those situations that i feel we are getting only a small portion of the fundamental details... I see whitewashing all over your post!

Take this part right here:



> During that time, my husband and I went to a party. I had been drinking and all I thought I was doing was laughing and having a good time. My husband got angry and wanted to leave. I protested and said I was having a good time and that I wasn't ready to leave yet. He said that if I didn't get in the car that my clothes would be packed up, and a plane ticket would be waiting for me once I got home. So, I got in the car and left with him. As soon as we got home, he left and ran to his parents. I had no idea (at the time) where he had gone. His phone was off, and so were his parents phones. He finally came home at 7am the next morning. I was outside on the porch, as I couldn't sleep, when he came up and asked me if he had married a *****. Of course I got angry, and asked him if that is what he thought of me.


What exactly was going on for your husband to have this reaction? I'm sorry, but i'm assuming he is a normal person and not someone with a severe mental illness here. A "normal" guy doesn't act like this over his wife laughing and whatnot. Who were you talking to, what were you talking about and was there any sort of touching going on?



> Recently, for the last few weeks, I have been having constant deja vu. Something bad has come shortly after. I had this strange dream about an ex boyfriend of mine, and so I contacted him on facebook, and I was right; something was wrong.


Contacting an ex is an extremely bad choice in every sort and shapes, no matter how you want to paint it. No husband would be happy about it, make no mistake.



> Now I am hearing from people that he works with, that he made extra copies of the email chain between my ex and I, having people outside of our marriage read it, and is trying to get everyone on his side.


But, unless you live surrounded by idiots, if the conversation was perfectly innocent like you say you have nothing to worry about... right... He is just making a fool out of himself isn't he?

Although i find it difficult to believe a guy would print out a chain mail and have friends read it if there wasn't at least a lot of smoke there. 

Allow me to explain:



> All that was talked about was the issues he was going through, he asked how my life and marriage was going, etc.


When you talked about your marriage with this guy you probably crossed a line you shouldn't have. You're contacting an ex, which is bad enough, and you're giving out details of your level of marital satisfaction to this guy? What were you thinking? 

This other guy was just fishing for info to get a leg over your husband. And you gave it. That alone is worthy of a severe re-evaluation of the boundaries you must respect to protect your marriage. 



> To be blunt, he sounds very immature and paranoid.


I'm betting that if you found your partner having a nice chat about how your marriage with an ex you would not be pleased. Plus we really don't know what those talks really were. If he isn't a paranoid lunatic he saw something there that isn't being explained here.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

costa200 said:


> When you talked about your marriage with this guy you probably crossed a line you shouldn't have. You're contacting an ex, which is bad enough, and you're giving out details of your level of marital satisfaction to this guy? What were you thinking?
> 
> This other guy was just fishing for info to get a leg over your husband. And you gave it. That alone is worthy of a severe re-evaluation of the boundaries you must respect to protect your marriage.


personal discussions cross a line which would uncork me completely with my wife. 

She has one of her exes on Facebook friends list. I complained about it, and removed her ex from her news feed (not the same as removing him completely, but at least his posts aren't in her face every time she opens Facebook). We have each other's passwords and share computers. I've seen her mail from time to time if facebook is open when I turn on our computer. She's done nothing to encourage him and never discussed our marriage, and the exchanges are all short, infrequent (yearly or so), superficial, mostly coming from him, like "happy birthday". Her responses are stuff like "thank you, hope you are doing well." (BTW, I have an ex, and I hope she's doing well, but I don't feel a need to have her on Facebook and tell her. )

I did mention to her that personal discussions with her ex, such as about me or our marriage, would be a boundary that I would not tolerate crossing. She has NOT initiated any contact with him since I told her that (aside from her own Facebook wall posts which, since her ex is a Facebook friend, show up on his news feed even if she removed him from her newsfeed. I don't think she understands that he can continue to hang on her every word if he chooses. This is kind of a passive action, and she doesn't put up anything besides animal pictures. Nothing personal.)

However, a few of the infrequent notes from him shows me that the ex still seems interested. As costa200 says, his pole is erect and in the water, fishing, hoping for AMY nibble so he can sink the hook and reel her in. He is a sleazbag and liar. They met when he broke up her first marriage. I really can't stand the guy, and he hurt her deeply when she found out he was cheating on her during most of their short marriage. 

If I see ANYTHING of a personal nature mentioned or if the ex begins to contact her in any other way, I'll be all over it.

Niether my wife or my own past are perfect. I had a period of time 30+ years ago where I was not faithful to my girlfriends before I was engaged to my ex. I was 100% faithful during our 30 year marriage. I don't buy into the "once a cheater always a cheater" bit, but I can't say I was free of guilt myself.


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