# Husband being mean - what to do?



## hilaryb (Jul 30, 2012)

Hi all
Im new here. Was looking to e-chat someplace as I am pacing the floor here.
My Dh and I had a horrible series of fights and Im very upset and angry. He has been distant, aloof with me for some time and yesterday it came to a head when I asked him what was up, and he had also decided not to celebrate my birthday the way I wanted to, so I was upset about that too. In reaction to my query he said he didnt want to do 'foreplay' anymore as he finds it boring and turn-off and he wants to do it 'his way'. I dont know what that is but I know he has had times where he likes to grab and dive in when I am not ready. Of course I was / am furious as I feel he is taking away what we had established and wants me to compromise too much. It seems selfish to me. Also, he hasnt approached me at any point to discuss this or brainstorm ideas, but just threw that out in reaction to me being upset. I still have no details (I dread them I think) and felt immediately very rejected, unloved and unattractive, which Ive not felt in this relationship before.

Today we are both sore and distant. I am still hoping for flowers or dinner for my birthday and a big "Sorry' hug and also some clarification. But not he is sulking as though the aggrieved party. We end up having a shout and he tells me that he treats me very well as he pays the bills and I "do nothing' and am basically spoilt. This seems to be his argument for the birthday issue and not making any effort in the bedroom. He pays - thats enough effort from him.

We are moving to a new country in 2 months time and I started IVF today which is why Im not working. I had terrible time because of stress in the past where endocrine system was a mess and so didnt want to risk it this time. We share a car and Im using it this week to get the daily injections and scans. So these accusations of his really have been a blow. I had no idea how resentful he is of me not working. 

With all of this I am seriously questioning the whole marriage. He is cold and mean right now and I dont like him at all right now. I am feeling very stuck - I now dont want a single cent from him and in order to get out and working again, Ill need to give up the IVF but we have invested so much and Im already 40. 

What to do?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You want to bring a baby into all of this? 



> My Dh and I had a horrible series of fights and Im very upset and angry. He has been distant, aloof with me for some time





> he said he didnt want to do 'foreplay' anymore as he finds it boring and turn-off and he wants to do it 'his way'. I dont know what that is but I know he has had times where he likes to grab and dive in when I am not ready.





> he pays the bills and I "do nothing' and am basically spoilt.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry to read what you are going through.

This is not a good environment to bring a baby into.

Nor is it wise to follow him to a different country if this is his attitude.

Have you checked to see if he is having an affair?


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Sorry to read what you are going through.
> 
> This is not a good environment to bring a baby into.
> 
> ...


come on ele. We already discussed this in the other thread. 


it's all about the TRADE OFF. Guys dont think like girls. come on now.....
he threw it on a scale and decided he came up short. It is that simple. he wants the scale to balance.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Not for everyone bri.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hilaryb (Jul 30, 2012)

bribrius said:


> come on ele. We already discussed this in the other thread.
> 
> 
> it's all about the TRADE OFF. Guys dont think like girls. come on now.....
> he threw it on a scale and decided he came up short. It is that simple. he wants the scale to balance.


I havent read any other threads yet and find this interesting. Him and I are certainly very different. 
I dont think he balanced anything up until I said I was feeling upset. Instead of fixing it quickly with a hug and chat, he went on the offensive / defensive and equated it with the cash factor.


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## hilaryb (Jul 30, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> You want to bring a baby into all of this?


No, not really. But until a few weeks I was really happy and had no idea he wanted to wham-bam in the bedroom and that he was so resentful of my not working. The coldness and 'meanness' that I am picking up in the way he is communicating with me has really shaken me and I am very hurt and quite angry now.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

hilaryb said:


> I havent read any other threads yet and find this interesting. Him and I are certainly very different.
> I dont think he balanced anything up until I said I was feeling upset. Instead of fixing it quickly with a hug and chat, he went on the offensive / defensive and equated it with the cash factor.


i have this theory, mostly derived from my own personal man experience as well as the men i know who i sit around with and discuss our wives from time to time drinking a beer (and you thought we just talked sports) that us men are always reviewing the trade off. what they are getting, vs. what they are giving up in the relationship. 
Normal for both genders but much more common and black and white with men. They see everything as a trade off. A business arrangment of sorts. what they give up vs. what they get. And they weigh it on a mental scale. To extremes the guy will separate and weigh it. They weight it while still together too sometimes.
he weighed and came up short.
could be because he really is not getting enough back, or what he needs back. he thinks he puts more in.
or it could be he is just upset about something, relationship, you too grew apart. he isnt getting the fulfillment. The fulfillment might have balanced that scale. Isnt about the money. he wants something though on that scale.

you really have to ask him. doesnt mean he dont love you.
you can put anything on the scale.
sex
attention 
money
cooked meals
a little catering
a night out doing something he likes.

there are many things that will help balance that scale. thing is you might have to find out exactly what he is looking for. i dont think it is money. That is a cop out. he wants something more significant. Men dont support and not care, to suddenly caring about where the money went or whatever. It is what he is getting in return he cares about. they just dont do this unless they didnt think they were getting what they paid for and the scale dont balance. 
We see assets and liabilities i think, even in a loving relationship. we cant help it.


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## hilaryb (Jul 30, 2012)

Interesting ......
When I brought up how much I felt a cooling and an aloofness (id be much more in tune than him in terms of the emotional harmony in our relationship) he is adamant that nothing has changed and that everything is in my head, and that he is still as loving as before. So in terms of that he seems fulfilled. 
But I think he really hates any 'criticism' or unhappiness on my part and somehow when I show distress he adds that to the scales. 
If I remove the financial input altogether and draw up new balances its definitely in my favour as I am the 'fixer' and caretaker and do much of the 'work' 
We are going to talk this afternoon. To be honest I am so angry right now that I think I actually hate him a little and want to be far away


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

hilaryb said:


> Interesting ......
> When I brought up how much I felt a cooling and an aloofness (id be much more in tune than him in terms of the emotional harmony in our relationship) he is adamant that nothing has changed and that everything is in my head, and that he is still as loving as before. So in terms of that he seems fulfilled.
> But I think he really hates any 'criticism' or unhappiness on my part and somehow when I show distress he adds that to the scales.
> If I remove the financial input altogether and draw up new balances its definitely in my favour as I am the 'fixer' and caretaker and do much of the 'work'
> We are going to talk this afternoon. To be honest I am so angry right now that I think I actually hate him a little and want to be far away


try curling up to him. make a simple statement like "what do you think is going on with us?".
Do it from a affectionate standpoint. Like curling up. Something non confrontational and loving. just a idea.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

A possible theory (in addition to bribus's excellent analysis) ~



hilaryb said:


> ...he said he didnt want to do 'foreplay' anymore as he finds it boring and turn-off and he wants to do it 'his way'. I dont know what that is but I know he has had times where he likes to grab and dive in when I am not ready. Of course I was / am furious as I feel he is taking away what we had established and wants me to compromise too much. It seems selfish to me. Also, he hasnt approached me at any point to discuss this or brainstorm ideas, but just threw that out in reaction to me being upset. I still have no details (I dread them I think)
> 
> ..... he tells me that he treats me very well as he pays the bills and I "do nothing' and am basically spoilt. This seems to be his argument for the birthday issue and not making any effort in the bedroom. He pays - thats enough effort from him.


He isn't resentful of you not working. Like bribus said thats a cop out. Its his way of saying 'i'm providing for you and i'm not getting what i need in return'. If you decided to work tomorrow it wouldn't solve the problem. He will still resent you because he isn't getting what he wants in the bedroom.

Reading from the former part of your post (quoted above) he has "needs" in the form of dominating you sexually in the bedroom (some guys like to do that). I get the feeling that what you have "established" is just what you want to do and he has been doing it for a while being unsatisfied most of the time. He has reached breaking point and just lashed out at you. (Happens when you hold things in for a very long time.)

If you try to discuss this with him with the words 'compromise' or 'lets discuss it' he will probably be a little agitated because all he is hearing is a possibility that it won't happen. Instead start the conversation in a more positive way (for him) by discussing the details of his desires. The next part is tricky. If it is something that you can do for his sake i say do it. We all do things we don't want to so our partners can be happy. If you just can't i'm lost. 




hilaryb said:


> ... felt immediately very rejected, unloved and unattractive, which Ive not felt in this relationship before.


~ His source of frustration is not having his kind of sex with you so there is no need to hold on to these feelings ~


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

hilaryb said:


> Interesting ......
> When I brought up how much I felt a cooling and an aloofness (id be much more in tune than him in terms of the emotional harmony in our relationship) he is adamant that nothing has changed and that everything is in my head, and that he is still as loving as before. So in terms of that he seems fulfilled.
> But I think he really hates any 'criticism' or unhappiness on my part and somehow when I show distress he adds that to the scales.
> If I remove the financial input altogether and draw up new balances its definitely in my favour as I am the 'fixer' and caretaker and do much of the 'work'
> We are going to talk this afternoon. To be honest I am so angry right now that I think I actually hate him a little and want to be far away


I think the "nothing has changed" answer means he can't necessarily put his unhappiness into words. But you say he hates feeling criticized. That's a big clue about what's going on. 

His comment about not wanting foreplay may have been his way of jabbing at you with something that hurts you the way he experiences criticism, but if he truly thinks his attitude on that is acceptable, then I hope you'll see it for the red flag that it is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bribrius said:


> come on ele. We already discussed this in the other thread.
> 
> 
> it's all about the TRADE OFF. Guys dont think like girls. come on now.....
> he threw it on a scale and decided he came up short. It is that simple. he wants the scale to balance.


Don't yell at me.

Women see it as trade offs on some level as well. These trade offs are a two way street. They both have to give the other what he/she wants. 

Sure he thinks he's coming up short. 
She things she's coming up short.

But he's not telling her what he needs. And when she tells him what she needs he's ignoring her and even becoming mean about it.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I think the "nothing has changed" answer means he can't necessarily put his unhappiness into words. But you say he hates feeling criticized. That's a big clue about what's going on.
> 
> His comment about not wanting foreplay may have been his way of jabbing at you with something that hurts you the way he experiences criticism, but if he truly thinks his attitude on that is acceptable, then I hope you'll see it for the red flag that it is.


i dont even understand the foreplay and sex problem here. Im kind of high strung and trying to settle down to sleep my wife will often just get on me and ride me to give me the release. She is very loving about it. For me, late at night and i am having trouble slowing my mind down the release is like a valium. i calm down and sleep better. I have always been high strung to a extent. she knows this so does this frequently.
i dont think she is getting much foreplay out of that.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Don't yell at me. i wasnt being serious ele.
> 
> Women see it as trade offs on some level as well. These trade offs are a two way street. They both have to give the other what he/she wants.
> 
> ...


uggh.
some women are too complicated.... :lol:


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## hilaryb (Jul 30, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> But he's not telling her what he needs. And when she tells him what she needs he's ignoring her and even becoming mean about it.


Ele..... this is the key. Our problem is really one of communication and he witholds and sulks, and I talk and try and find out whats going on. I am also always careful to keep my experience with me by saying "I feel rejected" rather than YOU are ... etc. But he fights dirty and attacks me instead of saying what is going on with him. I am very sensitive to communication and take words seriously as they press my buttons, good and bad, and he is blunt and sharp and his words really stick like a knife.


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## hilaryb (Jul 30, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I think the "nothing has changed" answer means he can't necessarily put his unhappiness into words. But you say he hates feeling criticized. That's a big clue about what's going on.
> 
> His comment about not wanting foreplay may have been his way of jabbing at you with something that hurts you the way he experiences criticism, but if he truly thinks his attitude on that is acceptable, then I hope you'll see it for the red flag that it is.


Unfortunately i think my husband is actually just very lazy - he likes to make the least amount of effort in all other areas of his life and lies around on the sofa whenever he can. He has said he gets bored by "all the touching stuff". I like to have my body stroked a bit before we get into it and if that doesnt happen, I am not getting any satisfaction at all. I think 90% of people need tactile preamble, no?
What makes me so angry is that he doesnt take ownership of how lazy he is but rather tells me that "other women" (ie his exes) didnt need all this work... and makes this something into me being in the wrong. That is me who is causing this. 
Yes red flags all round 

and dont forget he didnt want to do anything for my birthday which I still feel is the height of laziness / selfishness


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> i think my husband is actually just very lazy - he likes to make the least amount of effort in all other areas of his life and lies around on the sofa whenever he can.


Being lazy and making the least amount of effort in life are great qualities in a father... said no one ever.


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