# OK, short story long



## Are You Serious? Dad (Oct 30, 2009)

We've been happily(?) married for 10 years. Problems started about january this year. She had been a part time working Mom, with stints of stay home during pregnancy (4 kids, all under 12). I always worked full time, some jobs required a lot of hours (50-60/wk). But we seemed happy. She got an opportunity this year to move up in her company to management, which would put us in a bind for childcare. We calculated that it would cost just about as much to pay childcare as the positional difference. We jointly decided that I would leave my job of 3 years and become a stay home dad. This would allow me to see some of what I had missed with my first 3 kids, as mu little one was just 2. 
We have never been well off- sometimes paychecks coming just in time to pay the bills, but we still owned our home, unlike many unlucky souls in today's economic climate. 
Problems started to arise around Jan-Feb. She started telling me that she didn't know if she was as happy as she should be..(I thought- how does one know "how happy" one should be?). I mean, we've got kids, bills stress fom work, the usual, but, where was this coming from?? She was spending ALOT of time at work, being a manager, sometimes very late at night (think bar closing time). I got suspicious and started checking her phone log usage. We had a particularly heated (never violent, just loud) argument before she went to work one day. I checked the log a bit later and found that when she left she was on the phone with a number I didn't recognize. Found out that it was a 'bartender' from work, whom she called " a godd friend". Well she claimed and claimed nothing was happening, but our relationship got continually worse (her pulling away). no matter how hard I tried, she found a way to blame me for something in the past that "she just couldn't get past". note that the excuses changed everytime I HAD A GOOD ARGUMENT IN MY FAVOR. I resorted to some "P.I." work that led me to find her after work one Friday evening around 9:30pm, in a nearby WalMart parking lot sucking face with Mr. close friend bartender (who is separated too). I confronted her when she got home, she cried, and said it was amoment of weakness. everthing got back to normal (good, happy, sexual relations, no arguing) for about a month, thenabout a week ago BAM! Here we go again. She tells me she just doesn't have feelings for me anymore, although she still "loves" me- I AM the kids' dad after all. She had worked with him the night all this unravelled again. She now says she tired offighting with me (which consists of me pleading with her to try to help me fix our marriage, and her refusing and crying), and that she can't see us staying married. She's just "had enough". She now refuses to let me touch her physically, even as we share a bed.
I feel screwed. I have no job, and there are no good ones now. She is the sole bread winner. She says she wants to get out- to be "by herself", but we have a mortgage and 2 car payments, along with utilities and 6 mouths to feed.
I feel like panic time...I have been dealing out resumes likes I was playing Texas holdem, but so far nothing. I just feel like I need to get on my feet, before she deals me a death blow. She saysif we break up, I can have the house, but with no income, I don't know how I could refinance into just my name.
She told me today she in no way wants to give me another chance to make her happy. Then she goes to work and, after 5 hours on her shift, calls me at home to "small talk"..."Hi!, what's goin on? how're the kids? Whatcha doin?"

REALLY? Gimme a break.

Anybody got some wisdom? I'm all ears.


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## Are You Serious? Dad (Oct 30, 2009)

*Re: OK, short story long, more info*

More info to consider: My wife told me when we started having problems that she felt like I didn't love_her. I admit that my jobs and stress and kids and HOUSEWORK (more on that in a second), may have led me not to show her how special she was too me--- I never ignored her, our sex life never waned, but I never brought her flowers or told her she was particularly beautiful that day to me( which she was- I'm dumb, I know, but I thought she KNEW that!). Mind you, when I got home, I had housework and hungry kids...during our 10 years, she never demonstrated any desire to want to cook or clean--so that fell to me, along with laundry, grocery shopping- you know, the stuff that makes a house run.
As soon as she told me of my shortcomings to her, I did a 360. I began to compliment her on little things, I tried to be more apt to snuggle and hold her at night. Problem is, when I compliment her, she says it sounds phony coming from me- since I never did that before. She tells me now that I want to be too close- that I feel smothering ( I do not feel this, this is just another wall in my opinion).
I cook, I clean, I do home upgrades ( adding bedrooms in basement), I bathe the kids, I grocery shop, I do lthe laundry, I wash the car....she works, comes home, and sleeps.
Please comment, I keep checking back._


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

dont have any words of wisdom but im sorry your going through that sounds similar to my situation. just makes you angry that your the only one willing to work on your marriage and the life you have created together
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sad (Oct 30, 2009)

Hey Serious, 

I'm sorry to hear of your situation and I suppose I can feel both sides. (I'm a woman, my username is not gender clear for which I apologize). 

I met my first husband when I was 17... but the time I hit 30 I had become a much different woman with different wants and desires. My X and I had become a very boring, taking each other for granted couple. In my house, I did everything, my X never even paid a bill. I was in charge of making all the doc appointments, even for him. 

In the end, the MC said we had a mother/son relationship... which I can't tell you how badly affected our physical side. 

Anyway, My advice for you is to take a deep breath, go about your job search as you are doing. Hug your kids. Make em something they love to eat for dinner and enjoy their youth and energy. Realize that you can not force anyone to change, nor should you. A good and permanent change only happens when an individual does it for themself first, and their loved ones second. 

Your wife has made her change and it did not go your way. I applaud you for making changes to show her your love and respect and care. I'm sorry that she did not give it value and respond in kind. 

It sounds like you need an honest, faithful and considerate partner, and I think a partner is what you have been missing. It's sad, it's painful, it has a slew of problems, but it's probably best that you try to move on. 

I wish you the best of luck!


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## Thruhellandback (Jan 8, 2012)

Are you serious,
You're doing a lot of things right. Yes at first when you guys try new things that we ask it feels and sounds phony. Be patient and tell her you're new at this. Also, if she doesn't like how her body looks after four kids she might have trouble accepting compliments. (I know that's how I am.....when I'm overweight NO amount of compliments will make me find myself attractive.)

Kuddos to you for being such a good domestic and financial provider. I would have killed for my husband to have done even one of the domestic things you do. She is so lucky. Tell her to ask around with her girlfriends....How many husbands do what you do?

BTW sex not waning is NOT an indicator to women that you still love us. Just so you know


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## Thruhellandback (Jan 8, 2012)

Oh and last but not least. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

No one deserves this. I'm shocked at how cavalier she is treating you.

I'm afraid if she refuses to want to work on your marriage you have an extreme uphill battle.

Good luck with your job hunt. Will send you all the positive vibes and good intentions I can muster. 
Take care.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

She's in the fog, and blame-shifting to justify her affair to herself, and to you. She will continue, and will re-write your marital history... sad but true.

Forget the 360. Read here about the 180, and enact it while you make plans to be on your own. STOP begging her to be with you; this is not attractive to her. Offer her the opportunity to work at it, with you -- but realizwe it takes two to succeed; you can't 'fix it' alone, and definitely not while she is in her affair... Brace yourself for needing to decide whether you will be able to fight for her to come out of the fog... consider her just like a drug addict who is on her stuff and has it readily available... and begin making plans on exactly how you will go about being on your own, including making the difficult choices... Plan to sell the house if you must; take the cash out... if she is primary breadwinner, then SHE will need to pay YOU for child support... time for her to see her fantasyland future isn't so rosy; she doesn't get to absolve herself of her family obligations. She is either "in" the marriage, or she goes out.
This is the time to make it all about yourself and your kids... remember to eat; remember to breathe; remember your kids need you now more than ever. because she has put you all far behind her own "needs" and desires. Shameful, but it IS what those in the fog of affair-land do... Read & learn, sir -- this knowledge is your only power in this hell. I am sorry you're in the club we all do not want to belong to. Good luck to you; it's a hard road ahead. Stay positive,


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The thread stopped 2 years ago. Offering advice and prayers is likely too late...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

oh my goodness I didn't even notice original date! oops....


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## hawaiigirl36 (Jan 11, 2012)

I hope you continue to improve your life for the better.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

GGrrrrrrr.... edited post, stop doing this whoever keeps digging these old posts up lol.


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