# How to rebuild trust?



## Madhatter99 (Oct 26, 2012)

My wife and I have been married 8 years and together 12. About 2 years ago she had an affair with a coworker. We went to marriage counseling and all that. All has been good for the past 2 years but I can't seem to find a way to trust her. I haven't said anything to her about it but I secretly check on her and spy on her phone and whatnot. I haven't brought it up to her because aside from this everything is great. I just don't know what to do. I know the obvious thing would be to tell her how I feel but before I open that can of worms is like to have some ideas in my head that we could try


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I cannot say I would ever trust again. I doubt I would have tried an R at all.

Since I believe in transparency I think I would forever check once in a while as you are doing. Blind trust is naive, lazy and ambivalent. But I get what you mean. Some folks never recover. But many take many years.

But that said, did she quit her job? Has she gone total NC with the guy? What has she done to earn your trust? Was this just swept under the rug?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

There is a fine line between blind trust and sensible "precautions".

Had I had an ounce of mistrust of my WW, her affair couldn't have happened as she left a trail a mile wide.

Having said that, I still can't bring myself to really check up on her - it's just not the type of man I am or the relationship I want.

It is, however, entirely natural and indeed sensible for you to check up on her. It is also the nature of the beast that, if your wife *knows* you are checking up, there is no point as she will just cover her tracks.

If everything else is good then I would think about carrying on in the same vein and reconciling yourself to the fact that what you are doing and feeling are part of the price that you have to pay to stay with her.

I am assuming that not checking up causes more distress than doing so?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I should say, if you go the "have all passwords, complete openness with each other" route, then that is as good as not doing it.

Burner phones, secret emails, excuses about going places. It is so easy to hide things from your spouse if they know you are checking. 

Trust but verify. That's the key.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I've seen the term "madhatter" used in other forums to describe a person who has been both WS/BS.Just for clarification,was that your intention? Thanks.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

What has SHE done to earn back your trust?
What has SHE done to earn back your love?
What has SHE done to show that she wants to fix the damage she done?
What has SHE done to show you that she still loves YOU?
What has she done to prove to you that you should stay in a broken marriage?
What has SHE done to show to you that this kind of thing will never happen again?
What have you done to show her that you will not tolerate this behavior again?
What has she done to to try and fix a broken family? 
How has she improved herself as a wife to you? 
How have you changed how you act treat her as a wife?


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Awesome post Broken.


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