# The Feeling Better Exercise



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

So, I've started reading a new book that was given to me. It's Mars and Venus Starting Over. One exercise that the author suggests is to write a letter about your feelings following a specific format, so I am going to try to do that and share it here. Everything in italics is the format provided for me in the book. The rest are my words. You can repeat any of the phrases as many times as you want and omit the ones you want, too. After this letter, you are supposed to write a letter back to yourself expressing the supportive response you wish you had. And then there is a completion letter. I'm going to continue with all of that in this thread, later. 

The book says you need to process all of your feelings and that you should experience anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow to grieve. I think I already went through anger, and some sadness. Right now, fear is creeping up. 

Please don't criticize. I just put my first thoughts that went with each sentence. I'm just sharing my journey because it is therapeutic for me, and maybe someone else is going through the same things I am. This is how I am feeling at this moment. I am processing my feelings and, believe me, they are going every which way. I could add to this letter all day long! Thank you.

_Dear H,

I am writing this letter to share my pain in order to find acceptance, forgiveness, and love.
Right now, I _ am scared about making my decision, but feel it is for the best for both of us. I am also sad that you are hurting, but realize after all this time that I can't help you to feel better.

_I feel angry that_ you put up walls between us and slept on the couch for 11 months after we got married.
_I feel angry that_ you haven't always been honest with me. You hid many financial issues from me.
_I feel angry that_ you won't talk to me about your kids. I wish you would share your hurt with me.
_I feel angry because_ we are not lovers. We haven't had sex for 18 months in our short marriage and I feel you haven't even tried.
_I feel angry when_ I try to talk to you about our relationship, or your relationship with your kids, or anything serious, and you get angry and shut me out.
_I don't like_ when you give me the silent treatment.
_I don't like_ living in the same house with my husband but living like roommates.
_I wish_ that our marriage could've been all that we dreamed it would be.
_I wish_ I would've seen the signs and listened to the signs before getting married.

_I feel sad that_ you are hurting so much.
_I feel sad because_ I have tried to help you, but I'm afraid that you won't be able to be helped until you decide to help yourself.
_I feel sad when_ I am all alone with my feelings and I don't feel that I can share them with you.
_I feel sad when_ you are not strong enough to be my rock.
_I feel sad when_ I turn away when you are crying
_I wanted_ you to be my husband, my partner. 
_I wanted_ to be a perfect wife and support your dreams.
_I wanted_ to have children and be a mother.
_I expect_ I will be able to move on with my life, and hope that you will too.

_I feel afraid that_ I am making a mistake.
_I feel afraid that_ people will judge me. That they will blame me for hurting you.
_I feel afraid that_ my family will be disappointed.
_I feel afraid because_ I don't want to be divorced and have to start over. 
_I feel afraid because_ I over think and over analyze everything and am always afraid to make a wrong decision.
_I feel afraid when_ I think about not ever becoming a mother.
_I feel afraid when_ I think of starting over.
_I do not want_ to be alone forever.
_I do not want_ to disappoint my parents.
_I need_ my family's unconditional support. (which I am glad to say they are giving me at this time.)
_I need_ to feel protected.

_I feel sorry that_ I can't love you like you deserve. 
_I feel sorry because_ I truly do care about you and wish you the best. I truly do want you to get some help from someone who can help you.
_I feel sorry because_ I can't help you to feel better.
_I feel sorry when_ I hurt you.
_I feel sorry when_ I can't tell you that I love you.
_I want_ us to be able to forgive each other in the future.
_I hope_ we both can learn from this experience.

_Thank you for listening.
Love, Me_


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## Bitter+Sweet (May 19, 2012)

OMG....You must be looking inside of me because you have written so many things down that I feel. I hope you don't mind if I take some of these and save for myself. It is amazing how some of these statements just echo what I want to say.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Ths is a great way to work through your feelings, KU! It helps so much to put it in writing.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Bitter+Sweet said:


> OMG....You must be looking inside of me because you have written so many things down that I feel. I hope you don't mind if I take some of these and save for myself. It is amazing how some of these statements just echo what I want to say.
> 
> Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!


Thank you! I would like to know your story, too. I'm going to add to this and do the next step when I feel I am ready for it. 

Maybe our stories are similar?


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## Bitter+Sweet (May 19, 2012)

ku1980rose said:


> Thank you! I would like to know your story, too. I'm going to add to this and do the next step when I feel I am ready for it.
> 
> Maybe our stories are similar?


*
I feel angry that you put up walls between us and slept on the couch for 11 months after we got married.*

My husband and I slept in separate bedrooms for most of a year and several months. He snored horribly and I couldn't sleep. Tried ear plugs, leaving tv on, etc. When we got married I added him to my insurance. He had just lost his job and I told him to make a dr. appt and see if he could get a sleep study done. I figured he had sleep apnea because he would fall asleep at the drop of a hat during the day. It took him 6 months to make an appt and then he found out it would cost $700 and that was too much according to him. 

So for another year and 2 months we slept separately most of the time b/c of this. He finally went for a sleep study and had to get a cpap machine (this was the first time he thought we should separate in June of last year-he changed his mind). Then we were able to sleep together. I could live with the sound of the cpap machine just not the snoring. During all of this time he would complain complain complain that we were more like roommates instead of a married couple b/c we slept in separate rooms. If it was so horrible for you then why didn't you get the sleep study done sooner! That makes no sense to me.

*I feel angry that you haven't always been honest with me. You hid many financial issues from me.*
We filed married but separate b/c he had some previous tax issues to clear up. One year he filed a different way, lied about some stuff on it, and got a big refund. Didn't tell me this until months later after I kept asking over and over again. But my taxes were an open book to him. I had no reason to hide anything.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Bitter+Sweet said:


> *
> I feel angry that you put up walls between us and slept on the couch for 11 months after we got married.*
> 
> My husband and I slept in separate bedrooms for most of a year and several months. He snored horribly and I couldn't sleep. Tried ear plugs, leaving tv on, etc. When we got married I added him to my insurance. He had just lost his job and I told him to make a dr. appt and see if he could get a sleep study done. I figured he had sleep apnea because he would fall asleep at the drop of a hat during the day. It took him 6 months to make an appt and then he found out it would cost $700 and that was too much according to him.
> ...


My h snores, but it's not that bad. That's not the reason he was sleeping on the couch. He says I pushed him out of the bedroom. I guess by turning him down for sex? But he never really asked for sex, so if I turned him down it wasn't on purpose. Walls started going up and I think he just convince himself that I didn't want him in there. Then, after time, it became uncomfortable to be together. There was a definite wall between us. Last Christmas, I finally put my foot down and told him he had to start sleeping in our bed and he finally did. But, anytime he gets upset, he ignores me for 2 days and sleeps on the couch instead of trying to talk to me about what is bothering him or what we fought about. Now, when he sleeps in our bed, I feel like I'm sleeping with a stranger. I've developed a lot of resentment toward him and don't feel I love him like I did when we married.

As for the money issues, I think a lot of his problem is he is afraid to disappoint me, so he just hides things. He got a garnishment order from something that happened quite a few years ago. I found the garnishment order and asked him about it. I still don't think he's been honest with me. He claims he talked to the attorney and they couldn't tell him what it was for. I feel maybe it was a bad check from years ago that has finally caught up with him. I just want him to be truthful with me. And I've talked to quite a few people about this who say that there's no way he can't find out what the garnishment was for. Also, I asked him why he didn't fight it if he didn't think it had anything to do with him. He said that it would cost more money to fight it than it would to just pay it (let them garnish his wages). 

So now I've seen that he's gone in the whole quite a few times in his checking since he had the garnishment. But, never told me. Never had me put money in his account. Just went in the hole and ignored it. 

This is definitely a lack of communication. If I'm his wife, he should share these things with me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Enlightenment is so uplifting.

I found that by starting my sentences with "I feel" really helped our communication when we were separated. Something so simple really helped.

You can't argue with feelings...you can only try to understand and see it from the other person's side.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Sounds similar to what my stbxw sent me in her last email. I guess she wasnt aware it was an exercise for yourself. Im glad she sent it, it has only reinforced what I alread knew.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/49871-how-do-you-know-its-time-move.html


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

hunter411 said:


> Sounds similar to what my stbxw sent me in her last email. I guess she wasnt aware it was an exercise for yourself. Im glad she sent it, it has only reinforced what I alread knew.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/49871-how-do-you-know-its-time-move.html


You can definitely share this exercise with your sig other.


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