# Remorse after D day: how long did it take?



## Anshaneta (Aug 22, 2017)

Hi
MY H did not show remorse yet. His EA was uncovered publcily at a staff party. 
That was March 2016. We are now separated bc I did not know how to cope and made it worse. He also took no ownership. ONly balmed me. Blmae blame blame

I noticed we disconnected after the arival of our 3rd child. MY H used to call me daily and write daily. IN my fog of the time I remember notcing how he stopped writing me. I checked on my emails form him. The last personal email sent to me was January 2013.

The OW seems to be totally in love with him. They had a chat on January on facetime and he said he wanted a divorce.

AM I toast?
Anshaneta


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Most cheaters have no remorse

Have you talked about wanting to save the marriage? Are you both in counseling.


----------



## Mrs. John Adams (Nov 23, 2013)

True remorse? 15 years?

Remorse is very different from regret or sorrow

Remorse s in understanding the pain they have caused...putting on that pain...and trying to alleviate it?

A long time


----------



## Anshaneta (Aug 22, 2017)

ok. I understand it
He said he wanted to work at it but bc we took on a project of moving away. The arguments escalated ...the whole thing went nova. I am trying to descalate. 

I am AT A loss. 

COunselling we did. . I saw a counsellor perosnally and he joined me. Other things happened that added stress,to what was already amstressful situation. The lack of communication made it worse and I pushed him away.


----------



## Anshaneta (Aug 22, 2017)

there are so many misunderstandings


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Anshaneta said:


> Hi
> MY H did not show remorse yet. His EA was uncovered publcily at a staff party.
> That was March 2016. We are now separated bc I did not know how to cope and made it worse. He also took no ownership. ONly balmed me. Blmae blame blame
> 
> ...


Too long. You can find better. F this guy he doesn't crap gold. Don't listen and settle for a life that is less. Wasting away for an ******* to some day feel sorry for who he is. Just move on to someone better. Seriously life is short you only get one. It's been years, you could have already fell in love with a good man and this lemon of a husband would be forgotten. There is a bright big wonderful world out there, get out of your prison.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> True remorse? 15 years?
> 
> Remorse is very different from regret or sorrow
> 
> ...


What exactly did you think for 15 years? You deserved it? Please explain what you though before you got to that point.


----------



## Anshaneta (Aug 22, 2017)

I think it became too long bc other things happened in btw. I feel he has no respect twds me. I feel I had no respect for him. I now see how he was trying to reach out to me but the stress made it hard for me to see.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Anshaneta said:


> I think it became too long bc other things happened in btw. I feel he has no respect twds me. I feel I had no respect for him. I now see how he was trying to reach out to me but the stress made it hard for me to see.


What exactly are you holding on to? What is the benefit besides your history?


----------



## Mrs. John Adams (Nov 23, 2013)

sokillme said:


> What exactly did you think for 15 years? You deserved it? Please explain what you though before you got to that point.


There is a huge difference in being sorry...being regretful....and having remorse


i was sorry immediately....i had tremendous regret for what i had done

but remorse?

remorse means completely understanding the pain you caused...taking on that pain within yourself and actively DOING something about it.

I am so sorry for what i have done.....remorse...what can i do to help you heal from the pain i have caused?

Why can't you get over this?...remorse...what can i do to help you move forward?

See the difference?

subtle things that mean so much to a betrayed spouse


----------



## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

It may happen when they receive the signed degree from the divorce or years after when they want to clear their head. Or never. Some love playing the victim in the movie of their life.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Anshaeta,

Looks like you are managing well enough without him. Taking care of three kids is no joke and he could have tried to talk to you insead of getting his ego kibbles in his office.

Start to focus on yourself and your kids only, do the 180 on him, to emotionally detach.
Does your family and friends all know (I guess they do) what do they tell you to do?
Join a support group and talk to a lawyer about your options.
If your WH really wanted to reconcile, he would have tried a lot harder. You said you did some things but did not clarify what they are.
Start getting your ducks in a row and out of this limbo.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> i was sorry immediately....i had tremendous regret for what i had done
> 
> *but remorse?*
> 
> remorse means completely understanding the pain you caused...taking on that pain within yourself and actively DOING something about it.


^^ Agree ^^

In my WW case, maybe a month or two. It's not like she didn't care and say the "right" things, but she was dealing with her own regret/guilt and the horrible consequence of betrayal. 

She had been cheating for years with multiple OMs. Basically living a selfish self-centered secret life for years. As long as it was her Secret there was no need or time for Pain?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

A big part of remorse is realizing you made a mistake that hurt others and caused harm and truly wishing you had not done it to begin with. 

Many if not most cheaters never reach that point. 

They may experience inconvenience and hardship if they are caught and experience consequences for their actions. 

Some may even regret ruining what they had or feel bad about hurting others. 

But many never truly reach a point where they realize they made a mistake, harmed other people and sincerely wish they had not done it. 

Many may not like that their BS now holds contempt for them and they may not like that they are getting divorce papers served to them so now they no longer have their gravy train at home. They may sincerely be disheartened by the consequences they face. But many will continue to justify it to themselves and think that their actions were warranted and feel that what they gained in cheating outweighs the cost. Those people will never have true remorse.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Many experience regret but not true remorse. That's why you divorce and develop a life without them.


----------

