# Husband Always Late



## Emmalyne (Dec 30, 2020)

My husband is late getting out of the house about 90% of the time whenever we go anywhere. This has become a huge problem when we go on vacation and have to catch a flight. We will set a designated time by which we have to leave, and he is usually late getting out of the house because he will still be packing. He gets really mad when I rush him and we always start off our vacation in a huge fight. I have known him for 20+ years and he has always been like this.

Part of the problem is he puts off packing until the last minute or he thinks he doesn't have that much to pack and then realizes too late that he still has a lot to pack. He has severe ADD and is a very disorganized person. I have tried to help him with packing, but he wants to do everything his way. He also has a bad temper and doesn't like me giving him suggestions nor rushing him. I have tried to tell him an extra early timeline to leave the house knowing that he will be late and will realistically leave at the "real" time that I had in mind. However, this is not always feasible if our flight is already very early in the morning.

He is also a very picky packer. He only packs certain types of clothes that he can wash in the hotel room, and he even packs "gadgets" for washing clothes. He likes gadgets and can't just throw something in the suitcase without also packing the "gadgets" that go with it. Due to his picky personality and ADD, he overpacks and just makes everything so much more complicated, in my opinion. Therefore, he forgets or doesn't realize that if he packs clothes, he also has to pack the foldable hangers, foldable tub, and laundry detergent to go with washing the clothes. I, on the other hand, just pack my clothes and if I really need to wash them, I will just use the hotel soap and wash it then find a place to hang to dry.

We both love to travel and go on vacation a few times a year (before Covid), but his lateness causes me so much anxiety every time, especially when we have to catch a flight. He's usually about 30 minutes late getting out of the house. He says he has never caused us to miss a flight, which is true, but I don't like to rush to the airport. I like to make time for traffic, finding parking, riding the shuttle, getting through security, grabbing a bite to eat, etc. He says I need to relax, and I do relax once we get out of the house on time!

I have had a couple of serious conversations with him about this and he told me I am welcome to go on vacation on my own. He completely does not realize how much stress and anxiety his constant tardiness causes me. Furthermore, he blames me for starting off every vacation with a fight when he's the one who's late and I'm on time! He doesn't realize that his tardiness is the reason for the fight. If he can just get out of the house on time, then there wouldn't be a fight. I want to take so many trips when Covid is over, but the thought of waiting on him just gives me so much anxiety.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

He's right, if it bothers you so much, go separately. 

You've/he's never missed a flight. 

You can't control him. He's been like this for decades. He isn't going to change.

I know people who do miss flights.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I used to be totally guilty of this. Learned over a few years to become more organized and since having a kid I have developed the planning a bit more because it feels stressful to be rushed. This may be a bit controversial as it is a white lie, but I would tell him the flight leaves 30 minutes before it actually leaves, then you have padded in time (a trick my parents used to play on me because I was a chronically late teen). As to what he packs? Let that be his business, but you won't be stressed out because you have a cushion, and he won't feel haranged by you so you can start your vacation off right. Let him bring his doodads if it makes him happy. He is a grown man, so how he washes is clothes is his business. You could also just stick to what the airline says - be there to check in the 2 hours before the flight or whatever so you don't feel rushed? 

Side note: Does he take medication for his ADD or seek behavioral therapy? Some adults with ADD no longer need it but my ex took a long time to graduate from college because he was persuaded by his family that as an adult, he no longer "needed" meds. He couldn't focus, was constantly distracted and despite intelligence had a hard time functioning. Some adults will just continue to need it. My son has ADHD and his meds are a mixed bag but they did help a LOT to help him focus and develop better organizational habits - some of it is meds, and some is behavioral therapy and LOTS of practice. Adults tend to be more set in their ways.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My wife is often 5-20 minutes late to pretty much everything. It bothers me a lot but I learned to live with it.

She loves travel so much that she’s normally not late for that. However if she is visiting family she has almost missed flights home before. She packs last minute and will not let me pack. She doesn’t even like my expensive suitcases even though they’re superior to her expensive suitcases.

If you’re based in the US and fly out of airports with Clear get that, you skip one of the security lines. Should also get TSA PreCheck and global entry.

For cruises get to the port area the day/night before and stay at a hotel there. Stay an extra night when it disembarks that will give you plenty of time to get to the airport.

One area I bargained with my wife is I like to get home at least half a day before I need to go back to work.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Emmalyne said:


> My husband is late getting out of the house about 90% of the time whenever we go anywhere. This has become a huge problem when we go on vacation and have to catch a flight. We will set a designated time by which we have to leave, and he is usually late getting out of the house because he will still be packing. He gets really mad when I rush him and we always start off our vacation in a huge fight. I have known him for 20+ years and he has always been like this.
> 
> Part of the problem is he puts off packing until the last minute or he thinks he doesn't have that much to pack and then realizes too late that he still has a lot to pack. He has severe ADD and is a very disorganized person. I have tried to help him with packing, but he wants to do everything his way. He also has a bad temper and doesn't like me giving him suggestions nor rushing him. I have tried to tell him an extra early timeline to leave the house knowing that he will be late and will realistically leave at the "real" time that I had in mind. However, this is not always feasible if our flight is already very early in the morning.
> 
> ...


My husband is late all the time. His family knows about it and it's become a big joke. So, every time there is an event, or party, they tell him a different time than what it actually is, and it helps most of the time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tell him the flight or whatever it is is an hour earlier than it is. Or go seperately. If he misses his flight then he will maybe learn for the next time. As a punctual person this would annoy me too.Its selfish and unnessessary.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

To me someone that is late is one of the most self centered people there is. No one else's time matters to them. Either go on vacation by yourself or drive separately. Leave when you want to. He either makes it or he doesn't. You go enjoy yourself.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I have a son with ADHD and as I was reading your first few sentences I was asking myself, does he have ADHD?? Then I saw you confirm it. 

Particularly the neuroticism of having things a very specific way. 

Has he ever treated his ADHD? Tried medication for it? Therapy? I can tell you it has made a HUGE difference in my sons life and it has a trickle down effect to everything, including perhaps this lateness issue (which is really an executive function deficit, classic hallmark of ADHD). 

I feel your pain. Mine is a little easier because it's my son, not my husband, so I can pull the "mom" card when needed and do things like make him pack his stuff in a timely manner. 

I would try to get him help for the ADHD and see if that helps in other areas. 

You aren't going to win this battle, unfortunately, so you have to figure out how to work around it so that you can be comfortable too and so that you can deescalate the arguing that will occur. Have you ever just left and driven yourself to the airport and let him meet you there on his own? I'm chronically early by at least 15mins everywhere I go. I usually end up sitting in my car for a good 10-15 mins when I have appts because I show up so early, but it just stresses me out so much to be late so I feel you! 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OP says she wants to get to the airport, HAVE A BITE TO EAT....I think this expectation is too much and needs to go.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Is he late when it's something that is important to him?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Coconut cake is awesome!


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Emmalyne said:


> My husband is late getting out of the house about 90% of the time whenever we go anywhere. This has become a huge problem when we go on vacation and have to catch a flight. We will set a designated time by which we have to leave, and he is usually late getting out of the house because he will still be packing. He gets really mad when I rush him and we always start off our vacation in a huge fight. I have known him for 20+ years and he has always been like this.
> 
> Part of the problem is he puts off packing until the last minute or he thinks he doesn't have that much to pack and then realizes too late that he still has a lot to pack. He has severe ADD and is a very disorganized person. I have tried to help him with packing, but he wants to do everything his way. He also has a bad temper and doesn't like me giving him suggestions nor rushing him. I have tried to tell him an extra early timeline to leave the house knowing that he will be late and will realistically leave at the "real" time that I had in mind. However, this is not always feasible if our flight is already very early in the morning.
> 
> ...


People who are constantly late drive me absolutely nuts, it's one of my biggest pet peeves. But I would like to point something out here. At least as far as flights go, you've never missed a flight so in reality he's never actually been late. Just some food for thought.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> Coconut cake is awesome!



Apparently, someone doesn't think so.....


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, the reason this is causing such friction is that both you and your husband are entirely sure you're right and the other is wrong. The truth is, neither of you is wrong, you just have very different ways of doing things and those ways happen to be diametrically opposed. You want him to learn to be properly early, like you. He wants you to be properly relaxed about the timing, like he is. You two are both trying to _fix_ what you see as a flaw in one another. And it's setting up a parent-child dynamic that's unhealthy for your marriage. 

I highly recommend that you simply drive separately to the airport. One of you can take a cab or Uber or whatever, if you don't like the thought of having to leave two vehicles in parking. This would enable you to arrive at a time that you're comfortable with, let your husband do things his own way, and cut down on stress and arguments. 

Simply tell him, calmly and politely, that it stresses you out to wait for him because you prefer to be early, so you're going to leave for the airport at X time. If he's ready and wants to go with you, great. If not, you'll meet him at Y spot at the airport when he arrives. Keep the conversation about this friendly and upbeat. You aren't trying to punish him, make him feel bad, show him the "correct" way to do anything, and you aren't angry. You're just doing what you need to do for yourself and allowing him the freedom to do the same, while also eliminating stress and arguments for both of you.

And then, when X time arrives, kiss him, say 'bye and _leave and go to the airport_. Spend the time waiting for him doing something you enjoy and greet him happily when he arrives. If he misses the flight, call and tell him you're sorry he wasn't able to join you and _go anyway_. Again, keep the interactions surrounding this topic friendly and upbeat. Stop trying to scold him into doing it your way and let him do it his. He may eventually get some help for his raging ADHD and learn better time management, or he might not. Either way, he's a grown ass man and you're not his mom.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

If this were a work environment where one encounters this problem regularly... My boss was the world's worst about leaving late and also boarding flights just as they were trying to close the cabin door...

Hire a car to take you to the airport and agree on what the pickup time will be. No worries about parking, shuttles or what time to leave. Doing this makes air travel incredibly more efficient as well as you can check your bags with a skycap before entering the airport. 

...when I traveled this way, I always enjoyed boarding early and relaxing. Meanwhile my boss would be in line at some cafe trying to get a bagel and water for the flight during final call. I worried about me and I let him worry about him.


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## Emmalyne (Dec 30, 2020)

Thanks for all your replies! I wanted to answer your questions and give you some updates. My husband only takes ADD meds when he needs to for work. He doesn't like the way it makes him feel so he only takes it if he absolutely has to. We had a long talk a couple of weeks ago about his chronic lateness and his temper. He said that he is comfortable with leaving the house later than planned and he has never missed a flight so he doesn't understand what the big deal is. He did agree that he should not have yelled at me when I would ask him when he'll be ready to go. A few days ago, we were supposed to leave to our son's ball game, and again, he wasn't able to leave on time. I actually drove off without him and told him he'll have to drive himself to the game. THAT FELT SO GOOD! He wasn't mad or anything so that was good too. Tonight, I asked him how he feels about going on a long cruise once Covid is done, and he said that I should just go by myself because according to him, I would get mad at him like I usually do when we go on vacation. I HATE how he always makes himself the victim here instead of just admitting that he has trouble getting anywhere on time! His statement bothered me a lot, but then I thought about it and he is probably right. A long cruise would have many ports of call and he would be late getting off the ship to every one of them and I would have to wait for him while wasting precious time. So now I am looking to travel solo. Any other solo female travelers out there that have advice for me??


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Emmalyne said:


> Thanks for all your replies! I wanted to answer your questions and give you some updates. My husband only takes ADD meds when he needs to for work. He doesn't like the way it makes him feel so he only takes it if he absolutely has to. We had a long talk a couple of weeks ago about his chronic lateness and his temper. He said that he is comfortable with leaving the house later than planned and he has never missed a flight so he doesn't understand what the big deal is. He did agree that he should not have yelled at me when I would ask him when he'll be ready to go. A few days ago, we were supposed to leave to our son's ball game, and again, he wasn't able to leave on time. I actually drove off without him and told him he'll have to drive himself to the game. THAT FELT SO GOOD! He wasn't mad or anything so that was good too. Tonight, I asked him how he feels about going on a long cruise once Covid is done, and he said that I should just go by myself because according to him, I would get mad at him like I usually do when we go on vacation. I HATE how he always makes himself the victim here instead of just admitting that he has trouble getting anywhere on time! His statement bothered me a lot, but then I thought about it and he is probably right. A long cruise would have many ports of call and he would be late getting off the ship to every one of them and I would have to wait for him while wasting precious time. So now I am looking to travel solo. Any other solo female travelers out there that have advice for me??


He wasn't making himself out to be a victim. He was stating a boundary: no, he's not interested in going because you yell at him when you go on vacation together and he doesn't want to go on vacation with someone who continually yells at him during it.

So instead of trying to work on that in yourself, you label him a victim, to yourself, label him as a time waster, and will go by yourself.

I guess it's a win win, he doesn't go on a trip with someone who is angry and yelling at him throughout the trip, and you don't go on a trip with someone who isn't the exact same as you with brisk time management and standards that you can't control your anger over.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, are you in the habit of yelling at your husband over his tardiness? That's not healthy, and it's certainly not conducive to a close and loving relationship. I wouldn't want to go on a vacation with someone who is perpetually yelling at me - or even just acting all naggy and huffy and exasperated with me - the whole trip, either. 

Look, I get it. He ought to do time management the right way, like you do. 

The problem with that, of course, is that your way is NOT the right way. It's your way, it's the way you prefer it, it's what makes you comfortable. But it is no more _right_ than his way. 

This sort of thing is a love killer in relationships. At this point, you are both contributing to your interactions being unpleasant for everyone. He's perpetually late and you are perpetually angry and fussing at him about it - like an angry mother. So, maybe stop treating your husband like he's a naughty child in need of educating and correcting. You are not his mom! 

Buy and read the book "Lovebusters" by Willard Harley. Look_ not _for what your husband is doing to lovebust you, but at what _you_ might be doing to lovebust _him_. I'm not saying he doesn't have some work to do, too. However, you're here and he is not and you can only change/control yourself, so start with cleaning up your own side of the street. 

You are doing a lot to contribute to the unhappiness in your marriage.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Im the same - hate lateness. I just don't understand it.

Wife is ALWAYS late. If it affects here- deal with it but like other posters the kids have suffered by missing out. I work 9-5 and she works shifts so any activities that start before 5 she takes them BUT they miss so many that I try to book things for 530pm now so I can take them.

The other day, she wasn't working. Sat around watching TV for 2 hours, did nothing for 2 hours, washed her hair for 2 hours then said she was going to the gym. I pointed out that daughter had been in school for 6 hours, she'd be home in 30 mins and now shes going? And yep, activity was 430pm, wife got back from gym at gone 5pm. Its infuriating.

Other days, like I said I work. OK 8 year old is home at 330pm. If wife is in work, or got something then fair enough I have to deal with daughter and work but sometimes its not ideal if I'm busy. So I was busy, wife did her usual, sat around most of the day, then went to the gym at 3pm. I was on conf calls, trying to cook food for an 8 year old and get her changed for her activity.

I tried to explain, yes fair enough, sometimes its unavoidable but on days where shes got the whole day it'd be nice if she go to the gym early then be around at 330pm. Nope - apparently, I'm "trying to stop her going to the gym". I just don't get how you can plan to go to the gym then sit around for 6-7 hours


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bob1471 said:


> Im the same - hate lateness. I just don't understand it.
> 
> Wife is ALWAYS late. If it affects here- deal with it but like other posters the kids have suffered by missing out. I work 9-5 and she works shifts so any activities that start before 5 she takes them BUT they miss so many that I try to book things for 530pm now so I can take them.
> 
> ...


Sounds as if she is planning it so you have to deal with the children.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This is a year old zombie thread.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Livvie said:


> This is a year old zombie thread.


Maybe it showed up late?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"Ah, yes! What is it that Zombie Cat can detect? A zombie thread."

"Goodbye, Zombie thread." (What she _actually_ said was "Meow, meow, prttt!" But I'm sure you get the general drift.)


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