# Am I crazy ?



## Redwingfan1966 (Feb 4, 2014)

I don't even know where to begin. Let me just start out by giving you some background info. I've been married for 18 years and have 3 great kids. I work a swing shift ( 12hrs a shift ) and my wife works 3 days a week. I make pretty decent money and my wife working part-time makes a lot less. I do a lot of stuff around the house , yard work, laundry, clean , dishes, cook , along with general maintenance that comes with owning a home. I'm in pretty good shape for any age. For the most part my marriage is pretty good, no drugs, abuse or money issues .The problem is ,you guessed it ,is with sex. Not enough and not very exciting ( doggy style and missionary ).This is where my wife thinks I'm crazy, I want sex every day I'm off that she isn't flowing. When I ask about different stuff like anal and oral it's a no, PERIOD!!! I also dislike when she says I'm a pervert for asking. It's very frustrating to me knowing all that I do for her and her family that she can't give me back that one or two simple pleasures I ask for. So my question is am I crazy for asking for a little variety and more often ? She just doesn't believe me when I tell her it hurts me when she turns me down, and that I NEED SEX from her. Very frustrating to say the least. Thanks for any input .


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Redwing - welcome to TAM!

No you are not crazy and neither are you alone. There are many people (generally men) who are either in sexless marriages but stay because of their children or who have a very 'vanilla' sex life.

I am sure you will get many responses - the fundemental reason is that men and women regard sex differently. For we men, it is our language of love...its how we bond with our spouses.
We dont want our spouses to bring us breakfast in bed etc as a sign of their love for us....we want them to have sex with us!

There are couples on TAM who have great sex 7/8/9 x a week and are happy with it...there are coupel who have great sex 2 x a month and are happy with it.

I would reckon that a couple of times a week is probably about the 'norm'. 
If your wife is happy and receptive to you telling her about your needs then atleast its a first step.

However if she is will not even listen to what you have to say and won't try to meet you have way etc then its a non starter.

A word of warning; my wife only ever did missionary and occasionally doggie....she has NEVER given me oral and anal??...yeah right. When I have mentioned oral I too have been calld a disgusting freak.

It has led to a sexless marriage, resentment (on my part) and absolutely zero interest in her.

Try talking to her...if she clams up and won't even listen...plan an exit strategy I'm afraid.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Has she changed from when you guys were first married? Has she ever struggled with weight or health issues.....can you think of any reason she might have resentment towards you...porn...IDK....I am just asking as a woman........Do you give her oral and she won't reciprocate?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I do not think that it is crazy to want anal sex but it is an unreasonable expectation. Oral is more iffy. I doubt lack of oral sex is formally considered grounds for divorce but it is fairly common.

I guess that is the dangers of porn, people see what is possible and want to experience it. 

A friend of mine divorced his wife of 20 years because he finally got fed up with vanilla sex. 

In the end it does not matter what is reasonable. It only matters what your spouse is willing to do for you and what you are willing to accept.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I must say I'm getting discouraged by all the people in sexless or mismatched libido marriages, or mismatched sexual repertoires and desires. From what I read here and elsewhere, 90% or more of these cases have no solution, and only a few of the rest find a good solution.

There are three ways to handle it (mind you, I'm getting cynical):
- live with it until you can't;
- work together to improve it (give it a year, then give up!);
- divorce.

IMO, the third option is the most successful, as it's the only one that provides a real opportunity to find and be with someone who is matched. Of course, most won't, and will go back to living with it in misery.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> I must say I'm getting discouraged by all the people in sexless or mismatched libido marriages, or mismatched sexual repertoires and desires. From what I read here and elsewhere, 90% or more of these cases have no solution, and only a few of the rest find a good solution.
> 
> There are three ways to handle it (mind you, I'm getting cynical):
> - live with it until you can't;
> ...


Grass is not always greener and usually the new sex addict match will have other issues to deal with you did not have with your existing spouse.

The other aspect is the newness of any relationship many second marriages divorce as the newness wears off.

There really is no good solution at all when it comes to sex and those that pull it off kudos to you and realize it can stop on a dime at any moment as it takes two to make it work.


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## blackeugene (Mar 21, 2013)

That's just selfish. I would probably get the anal thing, some people think anal has to hurt, but what I don't understand is the fact that she calls you a pervert. That's just mean... Explain a few simple facts to her: marriage falls apart most of the times because of things like this, so if she's not willing to at least discuss some of your needs, then you guys will have a big problem in the near future. At least this is what I'm sensing.

Be safe and take care!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Redwingfan1966 said:


> It's very frustrating to me knowing all that I do for her and her family that she can't give me back that one or two simple pleasures I ask for.


Think about this a bit. Because reading it, it sure sounds like you view sex as having been paid for. I think I am safe in saying that most women take a dim view of that position. I suspect it comes across in your interactions with her. So stop it. Do stuff because that is what a partner does in a marriage, not because she now owes you sex.



> So my question is am I crazy for asking for a little variety and more often ? She just doesn't believe me when I tell her it hurts me when she turns me down, and that I NEED SEX from her. Very frustrating to say the least. Thanks for any input .


What is your current frequency? What are you wanting (reasonably)? As far as oral, does that include her receiving? What about some other ideas to spice things up? Think different positions, outside, role play.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Grass is not always greener and usually the new sex addict match will have other issues to deal with you did not have with your existing spouse.
> 
> The other aspect is the newness of any relationship many second marriages divorce as the newness wears off.
> 
> There really is no good solution at all when it comes to sex and those that pull it off kudos to you and realize it can stop on a dime at any moment as it takes two to make it work.


That's all very true. However, there is one huge and tremendously beneficial difference in favor of divorce versus staying, and that is *HOPE!*

Even it things do not get better, you have more control over the possibilities, you have many more options available, new optimism that things can be different, and probably a much happier attitude - because you have *HOPE!*


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## Redwingfan1966 (Feb 4, 2014)

Thanks for all the responses, it doesn't seem like there is a clear cut answer for my problem or magic pill ,damnit.

askari- your response was dead on, that is why I'm here, because I want to find a solution and not be resentful. I have read numerous posts were the party getting denied is that way and I DO NOT want to be.

over20- yes she has changed, we dated for 7 years before we married. When we dated it seemed like she tried harder to please me, now it just seems like its all about her. I understand kids are a lot of work ,but that's also why I do so much around the house, plus our kids are getting older and more independent. As far as the resentment, I can't think of anything, as far as porn yea I check it out but its not like I'm addicted . As far as oral I love it ,her not so much.


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## secret10 (Feb 12, 2014)

I know that there are million people out there with different views and ideas, everyone speaks from their own knowledge probably based on their own experiences. I'm going to do the same, although different...

I've always tried things that my dh asked just because he asked, even if I didn't want to or didn't feel like it. I also trusted him to stop if it hurt or if it just wasn't working and he always stopped if it was bothering me. Just saying, trust is HUGE. But now... he has found new ways of pleasing me beyond what I could have ever imagined and I'm anxiously trying to keep up with him. I am wanting to do things that please him because at this point, I can't compete. 

Just saying, never stop pleasing her, it will benefit you in the long run. Even if it is one sided for a while, it likely won't stay that way.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If this is a real post, I will offer this advice. However, sounds like too much like stereotype of male sexuality and meant to provoke. No real mature man can be so clueless. Maybe but I doubt it. 

Your idea of marital sex seems to be that your wife is required to service you in exchange for monitory support and chores around the house. Where did you get that idea? 

Sometimes, watching porn changes the way a man or woman regards sex. It becomes a entitled service and not a mutually satisfying activity. That may have happened in your case. 

Stop watching porn for 3 months and see if you can reconnect emotionally with your wife and enjoy each other. 

If you keep on your current path, you may find yourself D and looking for a woman who will capitulate to your demands. I doubt if she will be flesh and blood.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Redwingfan1966 said:


> I do a lot of stuff around the house , yard work, laundry, clean , dishes, cook , along with general maintenance that comes with owning a home.





Redwingfan1966 said:


> It's very frustrating to me knowing all that I do for her and her family that she can't give me back that one or two simple pleasures I ask for.


The Covert Contracts That Exist In Relationships | Elite Daily

People Pleasers and the Bankrupt Game of Covert Contracts | Loving Boldly

These little snippets from your first post show that you are using covert contracts to get the kind of sex you want. This is a passive aggressive "nice guy" tactic and you need to stop it. Now.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

deloydan said:


> I have read numerous posts were the party getting denied is that way and I DO NOT want to be.


:scratchhead: Can you elaborate?


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## Redwingfan1966 (Feb 4, 2014)

usmarriedguy-I guess I disagree with you about the porn thing, yea I guess there may be people with problems with it , but for a good majority of people its an easy way to look at some hot sex ,without cheating and relieving themselves in the process.


I do agree whole heartedly with this statement tho __In the end it does not matter what is reasonable. It only matters what your spouse is willing to do for you and what you are willing to accept. 
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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Redwingfan1966 said:


> usmarriedguy-I guess I disagree with you about the porn thing, yea I guess there may be people with problems with it , but for a good majority of people its an easy way to look at some hot sex ,without cheating and relieving themselves in the process.
> 
> 
> I do agree whole heartedly with this statement tho __In the end it does not matter what is reasonable. It only matters what your spouse is willing to do for you and what you are willing to accept.
> ...


????:scratchhead: Why would you want to share your problems?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Redwingfan1966 said:


> usmarriedguy-I guess I disagree with you about the porn thing, yea I guess there may be people with problems with it , but for a good majority of people its an easy way to look at some hot sex ,without cheating and relieving themselves in the process.


My point is that we tend to see things in porn and then want to experience those things in real life.

Did Adam want anal sex from Eve? I think humans are the only species that does more than straight sex. It could be that our intelligence makes us naturally want more but it could also be something we learn to want from porn and society in general.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

over20 said:


> ????:scratchhead: Why would you want to share your problems?


He copied and pasted, probably accidentally, the choices in the SHARE option next to each post.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

ok...thanks


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

usmarriedguy said:


> My point is that we tend to see things in porn and then want to experience those things in real life.


:iagree: It's just like any movie, they are all acting. It's not like you think you can get in a high speed chase and then jump into a helicopter right before everything blows up. Most of the stuff in porn is unrealistic or exaggerated, it's all cut and edited.

OP- you called it hot sex, does that mean it is the kind of sex you wish you were having? 
I don't think she's right for not at least trying but I do think asking her for anal when she's not even at a place where she gives oral is probably not the best way to go about it. Neither is listing off all the chores you do for her, like others have said. That will only get her in the mindset of it being just another chore to do for you instead of an act you do together, for each other, that is fun and loving. 

Is there _anything _she wants to try that will get the ball rolling? Maybe a fun book with some new positions or sex games? Flavored lubes, small toys, etc? IMO I would try to focus more on the fun and doing this together aspect vs. give me oral and anal because I do chores for you KWIM?

If she won't budge at all then you'd have a serious choice to make.


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## Redwingfan1966 (Feb 4, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> If this is a real post, I will offer this advice. However, sounds like too much like stereotype of male sexuality and meant to provoke. No real mature man can be so clueless. Maybe but I doubt it.
> 
> Your idea of marital sex seems to be that your wife is required to service you in exchange for monitory support and chores around the house. Where did you get that idea?
> 
> ...


Hmm , I guess I'm confused on what marriage is. I guess I thought marriage was a team effort where two people share the same interests and make each others lives better and love being around each other. I guess I don't see an issue with spicing things up. To say I do chores for sex is crazy , those are things I do around the house to make it easier on her. I guess I'm also confused why people blame porn for all of peoples sexual problems ? Porn is porn not real life, and has no bearing on my situation.


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## Redwingfan1966 (Feb 4, 2014)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Think about this a bit. Because reading it, it sure sounds like you view sex as having been paid for. I think I am safe in saying that most women take a dim view of that position. I suspect it comes across in your interactions with her. So stop it. Do stuff because that is what a partner does in a marriage, not because she now owes you sex.
> 
> 
> 
> What is your current frequency? What are you wanting (reasonably)? As far as oral, does that include her receiving? What about some other ideas to spice things up? Think different positions, outside, role play.


No I don't think it's bought and paid for, but I do think, if all things being even and I'm treating her right, ( which I think I am) I should be able to make certain requests. It's not like I can go to 7-11 and get a 2 liter and a 69 . As far as sex goes it's 2 to 3 times a week, all I want is a little spice, no swinging ,no 3somes no crazy stuff, just spice. For ex. after kids go to school get in something sexy and meet me at the door after a 12 hr night shift. I guess I don't think that is to much to ask, after all we are married.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Redwingfan1966 said:


> No I don't think it's bought and paid for, but I do think, if all things being even and I'm treating her right, ( which I think I am) I should be able to make certain requests. It's not like I can go to 7-11 and get a 2 liter and a 69 . As far as sex goes it's 2 to 3 times a week, all I want is a little spice, no swinging ,no 3somes no crazy stuff, just spice. For ex. after kids go to school get in something sexy and meet me at the door after a 12 hr night shift. I guess I don't think that is to much to ask, after all we are married.


You guys need some counseling, period. Tell her you want to go to MC. If she refuses, tell her your happiness depends on it, if she still refuses, tell her that her happiness depends on it and if she still refuses, tell her your marriage will depend on it. Once you get MC, they'll tell ya if you need further help (ie, sex counseling.) Keep in mind though bro, you married what you married and some people just aren't equipped to do certain things. Try turning the tables a bit. What if she came home and said, for sex I want to try and shove a 12" dil-do up your azz. Eventually you might do it cause she wants you to and you are a good guy, but im betting you ain't gonna be stoked at the initial proposition.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You're not at all unreasonable to ask whatever you like of her, but just as you have the right to ask, she has the right to set her own boundaries around sex and what she is comfortable doing.

Anal sex is a boundary for me...my husband wouldn't ask me for it because I made it clear it's not something I would ever do. It doesn't mean I don't love him. He knows he can ask me anything.

It is not right though, for her to call you a pervert. That is just mean.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You don't have to look at being called a pervert as an insult. What if you changed the meaning of pervert from something bad to something good? And you know, anal/oral sex is pretty much a corruption of biological intent of what sex is supposed to be. And I'm good with that, how about you?

Just curious, when you say you ask from...anal sex and she calls you a pervert, how do you ask? What's happening between you two at that moment? Are you laying in bed and holding each other, talking about your relationship and or sex in general, or did you maybe say it in anger?

If you were to alter the way you two discuss sex, maybe get her used to talking about things she likes, things you like, things you might like to try some time....


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Funny thing is: if the same wives were to have affairs, they would, most likely, gladly partake in these and many more sexual acts with their paramours, and consider them (the OMs) ‘more exciting’ / more 'adventerous' than their husbands for the same acts they deny their husbands, asking for which they even brand them ‘perverts’.

*The OM is ‘naughty’ / ‘kinky’. But the husband is a ‘pervert’.*


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Redwingfan1966 said:


> No I don't think it's bought and paid for, but I do think, if all things being even and I'm treating her right, ( which I think I am) I should be able to make certain requests. It's not like I can go to 7-11 and get a 2 liter and a 69 . As far as sex goes it's 2 to 3 times a week, all I want is a little spice, no swinging ,no 3somes no crazy stuff, just spice. For ex. after kids go to school get in something sexy and meet me at the door after a 12 hr night shift. I guess I don't think that is to much to ask, after all we are married.


I don't know, this and part of your last post still makes me feel like you feel you are doing chores for _her _(not because you share the home and mess) and want her to do sex things for _you _(not because it's a shared, mutual act for both people)

For me personally, having the distinction of my things and his things just opened us up for resentment, tally keeping and arguments and really messed up our sex life. Having sex as a 'his thing' made me eventually not enjoy it at all. I much rather a system where you say - we need w,x,y, and z to keep this home and marriage functional so let's work together to make sure it's all done. 

I know every woman is different but I still think you might have better results if you sat down to come up with some ideas together, not just telling her what you want _her _to do for _you_.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Redwingfan1966 said:


> No I don't think it's bought and paid for, but I do think, if all things being even and I'm treating her right, ( which I think I am) I should be able to make certain requests.


But that is not what you wrote. So you at least need to rethink your communication skills, because your posts essentially characterize it as something you have paid for and are due. If that comes across here, you can bet she hears it as well.



> It's not like I can go to 7-11 and get a 2 liter and a 69 .


Wow. Analogizing your wife to a 7-11? And you wonder why she is not jumping to meet your every whim?



> As far as sex goes it's 2 to 3 times a week, all I want is a little spice, no swinging ,no 3somes no crazy stuff, just spice.


Well, you originally wrote you want to up the frequency. I get that, but will note that 2-3 times a week is pretty good. I say that because it shows you are in a good position to work on things. You also need to remember that she does not want sex every day, so you need to find a reasonable compromise.



> For ex. after kids go to school get in something sexy and meet me at the door after a 12 hr night shift. I guess I don't think that is to much to ask, after all we are married.


Sure, but she is working as well, plus taking care of the kids. Add to it that many (if not the majority of) women are responsive desire. Which means that while they are willing to have sex when a man initiates, they don't often think of it themselves. So her doing that will be tough as a starting point.

So try smaller steps first. Look for some different positions. I like cowgirl because it keeps my hands free to play with all her fun parts. Look up some others. You will likely need to lead, but jumping from 0 to 120 will be met with some resistance. Going from 0 to 20 to 40 to 60 etc. will likely bring you better luck.

As for the pervert comment, embrace it. Laugh the next time she says it, grab in her a hug and whisper "yeah, but I am your pervert" in her ear and then walk away chuckling. Show her that you are not ashamed about wanting her.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> But that is not what you wrote. So you at least need to rethink your communication skills, because your posts essentially characterize it as something you have paid for and are due. If that comes across here, you can bet she hears it as well.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yeah TAG! That was perfect!


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Redwingfan1966 said:


> Hmm , I guess I'm confused on what marriage is. I guess I thought marriage was a team effort where two people share the same interests and make each others lives better and love being around each other. I guess I don't see an issue with spicing things up. To say I do chores for sex is crazy , those are things I do around the house to make it easier on her. I guess I'm also confused why people blame porn for all of peoples sexual problems ? Porn is porn not real life, and has no bearing on my situation.


Porn is relevant because the things you consider "normal" and "spicy" are things that are often portrayed in porn.

Why on earth otherwise would you want her to meet you at the door in sexy underwear? Because you would like her to act like a porn girl.

Now I am not saying anything is wrong with that, we ALL want our wives to act like porn girls behind closed doors. I am just saying that you can't just expect your spouse to be that way because you want her to be that way.

I totally sympathies with you. I would also like my wife to take a more active role in sex and be more imaginative and uninhibited -but that is not the woman I married.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> Porn is relevant because the things you consider "normal" and "spicy" are things that are often portrayed in porn.
> 
> *Why on earth otherwise would you want her to meet you at the door in sexy underwear? Because you would like her to act like a porn girl.*
> 
> ...


I get your argument, and generally agree. However, bolded statement = not true. The fact that he thinks his wife should just take in the azz = wanting her to be a porn star. Asking for something sexy or suggestive?? Please. Women have been greeting their husbands at the door in sex cloths since...well...since their were DOORS!!!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> That's all very true. However, there is one huge and tremendously beneficial difference in favor of divorce versus staying, and that is *HOPE!*
> 
> Even it things do not get better, you have more control over the possibilities, you have many more options available, new optimism that things can be different, and probably a much happier attitude - because you have *HOPE!*


LOL I have HOPE now I will fully turn my marriage alone...there is nothing precluding me form recovering my sexless marriage...and my wife is better than anyone else I'd meet.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

frusdil said:


> You're not at all unreasonable to ask whatever you like of her, but just as you have the right to ask, she has the right to set her own boundaries around sex and what she is comfortable doing.
> 
> Anal sex is a boundary for me...my husband wouldn't ask me for it because I made it clear it's not something I would ever do. It doesn't mean I don't love him. He knows he can ask me anything.
> 
> It is not right though, for her to call you a pervert. That is just mean.


Even I had anal with my wife one night and she was not complaining at all. Its not as much of a boundary as you say and one night you may be into it.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

happi_g_more2 said:


> I get your argument, and generally agree. However, bolded statement = not true. The fact that he thinks his wife should just take in the azz = wanting her to be a porn star. Asking for something sexy or suggestive?? Please. Women have been greeting their husbands at the door in sex cloths since...well...since their were DOORS!!!


Yes and there has been porn since there where doors

Did Adam want Eve to dress in something sexy? Where is the line between nature and culture? I have never seen a monkey dress sexy.

Again I am not suggesting that wearing something sexy is an unreasonable expectation. I am simply saying the idea comes from a certain culture.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> Yes and there has been porn since there where doors
> 
> Did Adam want Eve to dress in something sexy? Where is the line between nature and culture? I have never seen a monkey dress sexy.
> 
> Again I am not suggesting that wearing something sexy is an unreasonable expectation. I am simply saying the idea comes from a certain culture.


****, I forgot from other threads. You're the guy with all the ridiculous, unreasonable arguments. Yes, lets base our sexual habits a millenniums old story from the bible and monkeys. Excuse me while pick the fleas off my wife and eat them during sex then wrap up in a fig leaf and go fling some poo other would be suitors.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

You do not seem to be able to understand intellectual concepts.

You do not understand what the reference to Adam and Eve means do you?


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> You do not seem to be able to understand intellectual concepts.
> 
> You do not understand what the reference to Adam and Eve means do you?


if you are talking about the garden of Eden, then i know exactly what you mean and just how irrelevant it is. Its my experience that a real intellect would never base any argument on the bible....of all pieces of literature. Now, if you are talking about the adult product website, then yes, your intellect has out witted me again.......And whats with you JA's and all the emoticons. As if one isnt enough to get your point across. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOO, IMHO,IMHO,
IMHO,IMHO,IMHO,IMHO,IMHO,IMHO,IMHO, Jk,Jk,Jk,Jk,Jk,Jk,Jk,Jk,Jk,Jk,Jk,Jk,Jk,Jk,


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Happy, you're missing the point USMG is trying to make. 

Back in ancient times, before there was art to eroticize sex thus spread ideas about what goes where and why, certain sex practices were pretty much unheard of. Dressing in costumes and role play were not part of the common vernacular of sex as they are today, thanks in large part to the widely available ideas expressed in porn. As a result, men who view porn need to understand that various sex practices taken for granted in every porn flick are not commonly seen as regular variations of sex, but outside the norm.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Happy, you're missing the point USMG is trying to make.
> 
> Back in ancient times, before there was art to eroticize sex thus spread ideas about what goes where and why, certain sex practices were pretty much unheard of. Dressing in costumes and role play were not part of the common vernacular of sex as they are today, thanks in large part to the widely available ideas expressed in porn. As a result, men who view porn need to understand that various sex practices taken for granted in every porn flick are not commonly seen as regular variations of sex, but outside the norm.


Im not missing his point. His point is not factual and is completely irrelevant. As is your disgusting regurgitation of it. Couple of points here.

If you want to talk about "eroticism in ancient times" (errr anthropology), You two are so wrong its not even funny. Have you heard of Sodom and Gomorrah. I mean, since you like biblical stories and such. If you would like more, how should I say, real examples. Look at Ars Amatoria by the poet Ovid. Then come and talk about eroticism in "ancient times". Ever heard of Cleopatra. Jesus, I learned this **** in my high school history class. The "ancient times" romans couldnt get enough eroticism. My point is that people should refrain from making off the cuff statements regarding **** they know nothing about. If its his/your OPINION that porn makes women want to seduce men or men want to be seduced by women, thats fine....but dont try substantiating it by using big words like "ancient times".


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Redwingfan1966 said:


> Hmm , I guess I'm confused on what marriage is. I guess I thought marriage was a team effort where two people share the same interests and make each others lives better and love being around each other. I guess I don't see an issue with spicing things up. To say I do chores for sex is crazy , those are things I do around the house to make it easier on her. I guess I'm also confused why people blame porn for all of peoples sexual problems ? Porn is porn not real life, and has no bearing on my situation.


I think you are confused. The spice has to be something you are both interested in. Your insistence that she should do it for you is wrong. 

You should do it for each other. You will never be able to force her to do what you want. You can show her that you care about her pleasure as much as your own. That would be far more successful than demands. 

Your present attitude will only bring you frustration and anger. It is very doubtful that your wife will feel safe enough to try anything with an angry apparently self-centered entitled man. Change the way you are thinking and fall back in love with your wife. 

You don't know how close you are to screwing up your sex life and marriage. When you lose both it will be too late to change. 

Change now and see if that works. You have nothing to lose. You can always go back to the way you are now.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Redwingfan1966 said:


> I don't even know where to begin. Let me just start out by giving you some background info. I've been married for 18 years and have 3 great kids. I work a swing shift ( 12hrs a shift ) and my wife works 3 days a week. I make pretty decent money and my wife working part-time makes a lot less. I do a lot of stuff around the house , yard work, laundry, clean , dishes, cook , along with general maintenance that comes with owning a home. I'm in pretty good shape for any age. For the most part my marriage is pretty good, no drugs, abuse or money issues .The problem is ,you guessed it ,is with sex. Not enough and not very exciting ( doggy style and missionary ).This is where my wife thinks I'm crazy, I want sex every day I'm off that she isn't flowing. When I ask about different stuff like anal and oral it's a no, PERIOD!!! I also dislike when she says I'm a pervert for asking. It's very frustrating to me knowing all that I do for her and her family that she can't give me back that one or two simple pleasures I ask for. So my question is am I crazy for asking for a little variety and more often ? She just doesn't believe me when I tell her it hurts me when she turns me down, and that I NEED SEX from her. Very frustrating to say the least. Thanks for any input .


Other than the anal or oral, everything you feel, you have every right to feel. If you do everything you said for your wife and family, and she can't understand your needs. Shame on her. As far as anal or oral, if you met her not wanting to do things like that, then you can't expect her to understand that being poked in the butt is intimate and her saying no makes you feel rejected. Get over it. It's not for everyone and your main issue should be sex/intimacy. 

I wrote letters, talked, and did everything everyone suggested I do, but the solutions were all temporary. You've got to be willing to show her that you meet her needs, whether it be to attention or to have the security of having a husband. She has to see the importance of intimacy and how good it feels knowing you do sacrfice just as much as she does (I'm sorry, having sex isn't a sacrifice and its the absolute easiest "gift" you can give the person you love --- and it's free). I hate to call it a gift, because it's the reason sex is withheld and used as punishment, but I can't think of another word.

Good luck.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

happi_g_more2 said:


> Im not missing his point. His point is not factual and is completely irrelevant. As is your disgusting regurgitation of it. Couple of points here.
> 
> If you want to talk about "eroticism in ancient times" (errr anthropology), You two are so wrong its not even funny. Have you heard of Sodom and Gomorrah. I mean, since you like biblical stories and such. If you would like more, how should I say, real examples. Look at Ars Amatoria by the poet Ovid. Then come and talk about eroticism in "ancient times". Ever heard of Cleopatra. Jesus, I learned this **** in my high school history class. The "ancient times" romans couldnt get enough eroticism. My point is that people should refrain from making off the cuff statements regarding **** they know nothing about. If its his/your OPINION that porn makes women want to seduce men or men want to be seduced by women, thats fine....but dont try substantiating it by using big words like "ancient times".


Once again. Totally missed the point. But I shan't bother you again trying to be understood. Have a nice day.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Once again. Totally missed the point. But I shan't bother you again trying to be understood. Have a nice day.


If there is a point that you think you can make, then make it man. Otherwise, admit what you said was rubbish and back away.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

happi_g_more2 you are totally clueless. 

But one more obscure reference -you are in the wrong pond.

(and no, it has nothing to do with the bible)


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

not even gonna response past this. uneducated halfwits. Texas!?!? figures.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

You crack me up dude.

"I'm not going to respond to this, I'll just say...."


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

There is a difference between the eroticism that has been around since humans were thinking, reasoning beings vs. the eroticism seen in porn. Maybe sexy clothes were not a factor during the dawn of human civilization as we understand it today, but the practice has evolved as a part of our culture from a very long time ago. But a woman dressing up in sexy clothes for a night of passion in the bedroom is very different from the view that the OP shared where he'd like to have his wife open up the door to him dressed in lacy thong, stilletto heels and putting his d!ck in her mouth the second the door closes. That "spiciness" is rare in real life but popular in porn. Now the real spiciness that can develop is more planned out and involves more "foreplay" prior to it happening - primarily through communicating with each other and reconnecting on an emotional level first before moving onto the physical, spicy acts.

I also hope that most of us on here understand that a variety of the sex positions used in porn are not ideally used in real life. They are more for visual display as opposed to practical applications. I understand that the kama sutra has a variety of gymnastic sex poses, but generally speaking they're not the norm when it comes to spicing up the sex life. Now variations on missionary, seated, standing and kneeling to have sex is spicing it up provided that both partners are COMFORTABLE and are both getting mutual pleasure.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

To say nothing of the fact that there are plenty of spices OTHER than anal or BJs. Tired of cloves and cinnamon? Try chilis or peppers or oregano or ginger or paprika. Have the imagination of a good chef.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> To say nothing of the fact that there are plenty of spices OTHER than anal or BJs. Tired of cloves and cinnamon? Try chilis or peppers or oregano or ginger or paprika. Have the imagination of a good chef.


Keep your chilis and peppers the hell away from my mucous membranes, thank you very much.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

happi_g_whatever....Do you realize you are going to end up getting banned?

Is that what you wanted?

Not that I care, I just wondered if you think this place is a free for all where we can toss around insults and name calling like children on a playground, because it isn't.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> happi_g_whatever....Do you realize you are going to end up getting banned?
> 
> Is that what you wanted?
> 
> Not that I care, I just wondered if you think this place is a free for all where we can toss around insults and name calling like children on a playground, because it isn't.


Too late.


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## Redwingfan1966 (Feb 4, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> I think you are confused. The spice has to be something you are both interested in. Your insistence that she should do it for you is wrong.
> 
> You should do it for each other. You will never be able to force her to do what you want. You can show her that you care about her pleasure as much as your own. That would be far more successful than demands.
> 
> ...


Apparently people are taking what I typed out of context. Asking for a BJ, Anal or spicing things up, is totally different then demanding them. To say I'm self centered is in my opinion a joke, because I want something other then the same ole ,same ole, I'm self centered and angry. I only pointed out the stuff I do is because if I didn't I would've gotten replies" Hey you lazy d***, maybe you should help her out more around the house". Fall back in love, serious, we never fell out of love, we hold hands, we cuddle while watching tv, we hug,we spend our days off TOGETHER .

As far as the other posts on about monkeys and Adam and Eve and stuff. We are humans, not animals ,we think and are rational, most of us look at consequences of our actions ,where animals use instincts. And to honest, I don't know if Adam wanted to do Eve anally,:rofl: just in case you thought I was serious.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

You are new, please forgive any of the above posts...sometimes people on here are not very open minded to men and their sexual needs.but..that is what TAM is all about . You are very wise and have every right to ask your DW to listen to what you want and of course what she want's as well...the beauty of a marriage...hang in there....always have hope....

Welcome to TAM.....please continue to share your insight ........


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I think that it was the tone of your original post that sent up a few red flags. 

I think that you never really got the point. I am saying that just because you want her to do certain things does not make them natural to all people. You act like they are nothing but to her obviously that is not the case.

No one denies spouses right to ask for anything but your attitude was that you should be entitled to them because of what you do for her. 

Unfortunately sex does not work that way. It is not an entitlement and you will never convince a woman with that reasoning.

"Adam and Eve" is nothing more than an idea of the base nature of humans without corruption by society. I thought it was appropriate for your primary question "Am I crazy (for wanting more than vanilla sex)" but perhaps it was to abstract. 

In other words what is reasonable to expect and what is an expectation based on what we see other people doing? 

I introduced that idea because I think that you are showing a lack of empathy for her side of the story.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Redwingfan1966 said:


> Apparently people are taking what I typed out of context. Asking for a BJ, Anal or spicing things up, is totally different then demanding them. To say I'm self centered is in my opinion a joke, because I want something other then the same ole ,same ole, I'm self centered and angry. I only pointed out the stuff I do is because if I didn't I would've gotten replies" Hey you lazy d***, maybe you should help her out more around the house". Fall back in love, serious, we never fell out of love, we hold hands, we cuddle while watching tv, we hug,we spend our days off TOGETHER .
> 
> As far as the other posts on about monkeys and Adam and Eve and stuff. We are humans, not animals ,we think and are rational, most of us look at consequences of our actions ,where animals use instincts. And to honest, I don't know if Adam wanted to do Eve anally,:rofl: just in case you thought I was serious.


You are both equally responsible for the upkeep of the house. You are not "helping" your wife. Being affectionate and spending time together is a basic part of marital intimacy. You are both responsible for keeping sex exciting and mutually satisfying. 

Don't be angry, be smart. You are not selfish but you are going in a direction that may adversely effect your marriage. Your posts seem to suggest that you are contributing more to the marriage than your wife. Your wife doesn't think that.

I really think it is porn that has effected your sex life. Think about it. You are rationalizing your lopsided expectations. You can't expect to get more than you give. You have not once mentioned your wife's sexual satisfaction and how she views the quality of sex with you. 

Give up porn completely for 3 months and see if that helps you to reconnect with your wife and increase your satisfaction with her.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Redwingfan1966 said:


> Apparently people are taking what I typed out of context. Asking for a BJ, Anal or spicing things up, is totally different then demanding them. To say I'm self centered is in my opinion a joke, because I want something other then the same ole ,same ole, I'm self centered and angry. I only pointed out the stuff I do is because if I didn't I would've gotten replies" Hey you lazy d***, maybe you should help her out more around the house". Fall back in love, serious, we never fell out of love, we hold hands, we cuddle while watching tv, we hug,we spend our days off TOGETHER .
> 
> As far as the other posts on about monkeys and Adam and Eve and stuff. We are humans, not animals ,we think and are rational, most of us look at consequences of our actions ,where animals use instincts. And to honest, I don't know if Adam wanted to do Eve anally,:rofl: just in case you thought I was serious.


It was not out of context. We took your posts and noted that issues you have in communication. If we are seeing them, you can be sure your wife is as well. I suspect you have joked about it, or implied in through words and deeds. So you can get defensive and ignore it, or take a look at your actions and see how you can avoid this.

I would also suggest you read up on responsive desire. Many women are like this - they don't actively think about sex, but are happy to get in the mood when led their. If that is your wife, then porn is leading you astray, because it is not in her nature to do the things that you want on her own initiative. In porn, women act like a stereo-typical man. Many women are not this way, and expecting them to do so while just cause hurt feelings.

My wife is similar in many respects to yours. She was never interested in that stuff and *never* initiated. So after I cleaned up my bad behavior, I started to work with her. We tried some new positions. I got a bit rougher and found she liked that a lot. As we moved on, I reassured her that this did not change my feelings toward her in any bad way. That included sneaking up behind her, giving her a hug and whispering how I loved being with my sex goddess last night, then heading off to work. I made it safe for her to let go.

She has responded wonderfully. She initiates in her way a lot more. She buys lingerie for the bedroom. She asks for rougher play. She has thanked me for taking control and expanding what we do. I get BJs on her initiation because she likes it. We are moving toward other things that before were very explicitly off the table.

My point is while this may take work, there are steps you can take to get the two of you in a great place where you get what you want and she gets what she wants. But you get it tomorrow.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm like TAG's wife. He is absolutely right and his advice is excellent. I was coaxed out of my conservative shell by a patient husband who is willing to go slow and stop if I am not having fun or feel uncomfortable. 

That built trust and I am willing to try many things more than once even what I didn't like at first. It's is a team effort and a process. I certainly don't think I owe him, we owe each other affection, variety and fun. 

Anal sex is a bad idea right out of the box. Maybe an oral sex session. You give first then she gives you. If she has never done oral before, start slowly. 

Ask her to lick for a short time while giving you a hj, increase time, then next keep in mouth for a short time and go from there. Never get angry or impatient. It becomes a power struggle and you will lose. 

You are going about this in a way that will not work. You asked for help and you got very good advice. Calm down and reconsider.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Redwingfan1966 said:


> As far as sex goes it's 2 to 3 times a week, all I want is a little spice, no swinging ,no 3somes no crazy stuff, just spice. For ex. after kids go to school get in something sexy and meet me at the door after a 12 hr night shift. I guess I don't think that is to much to ask, after all we are married.


2-3 times a WEEK? from your busy wife and mom to 3?

Dude, you need to get a grip! Try reading some of the "sexless" threads where it's once every three months.

You are consuming junk food and it is affecting your appreciation of healthy meat and potatoes. 

Read this advice and cut out the Porn! High Fructose Porn Syrup | Married Man Sex Life


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## netcruiser72 (Mar 4, 2014)

No you are NOT crazy but rather norm. Most guys want to put it in just about every hole..LOL....my wife is a latina and very sexual. With her, everything is a GO except Anal. She LOVES oral sex, receiving and giving. Anyway, don't feel bad about this. Most woman will shut the door in your face almost immediately when it has to deal with anal intercourse. Don't press the issue either. She will resent you. I asked my wife for anal until she asked me for anal! She basically said, "let me stick and eight inch dildo in your ass, if you like it then I'll do it too.".....Have not asked her since!


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## Redwingfan1966 (Feb 4, 2014)

Blonde said:


> 2-3 times a WEEK? from your busy wife and mom to 3?
> 
> Dude, you need to get a grip! Try reading some of the "sexless" threads where it's once every three months.
> 
> ...


Ummm I'm just as busy, probably more so and I'm a Dad of three. Anyway , I really haven't pressed either issue as of late and I did get a BJ to completion the other day,so I was pretty happy. As for porn, I guess I'm in the minority to think it has no bearing on how I see women or my wife. Plus , if I didn't watch porn I'd be after my wife 24/7 , and my wife knows this. Everyday I wake up I ask myself " What can I do to make my wife's life better ?". I actually don't think it's that hard to be married, as long as both people are giving 60% and taking 40%, it becomes hard when one person starts taking more then they are giving. Porn IMO has nothing to do with being a caring, compassionate person.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

happi_g_more2 said:


> not even gonna response past this. uneducated halfwits. Texas!?!? figures.


And thanks for coming and enlightening all of us. We are truly in your debt. Thanks for sharing this part of the cosmos with us (Me from California if you could not figure).


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Redwingfan1966 said:


> Ummm I'm just as busy, probably more so and I'm a Dad of three. Anyway , I really haven't pressed either issue as of late and I did get a BJ to completion the other day,so I was pretty happy. As for porn, I guess I'm in the minority to think it has no bearing on how I see women or my wife. Plus , if I didn't watch porn I'd be after my wife 24/7 , and my wife knows this. Everyday I wake up I ask myself " What can I do to make my wife's life better ?". I actually don't think it's that hard to be married, as long as both people are giving 60% and taking 40%, it becomes hard when one person starts taking more then they are giving. Porn IMO has nothing to do with being a caring, compassionate person.


I'm glad you are happy. But please read the posts over again. The tone may not have been to your liking but the intent is sincere and benign. You need this advice. 

Giving 100% effort is normally the way to be in a committed loving relationship. I don't know how you can have a successful relationship giving just 60%. what do you do, calculate 100% then subtract 40% effort?


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## Redwingfan1966 (Feb 4, 2014)

Posted by Catherine602 ______Giving 100% effort is normally the way to be in a committed loving relationship. I don't know how you can have a successful relationship giving just 60%. what do you do, calculate 100% then subtract 40% effort? 

No , I'm looking at marriage as 100 % combined, if each of us give 60% that is 120 %, and if each of us only take out 40% ,that's 80% total so we have a surplus of 40%. So ,I kind of think we mean the same thing but we are looking at it two different ways.


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