# Is this Betrayed Husband being Unreasonable?



## redleaves (Jul 27, 2010)

A short (I hope) summary.

*I’ve been together with my wife for 17 years*, and we have one son, just starting senior school. Due to a lack of investment in the marriage by both of us, it had deteriorated to a position where we lived almost separate lives & we tolerated each other rather than thrived in each other’s company. There was never any hostility between us, but not much of anything I guess. My W met another MM & continued an occasional PA for a period of seven months. During this time she saw him roughly fortnightly, often just for lunch, as he lives some distance away, but I’ve seen that they were texting or phoning each other many, many times a day. She’s admitted to thinking about him all the time & being infatuated, as is the usual case with affairs. 

*She told me about the affair* because the guilt was consuming her, but continued to be in contact with the MM (though not sexually) as she struggled to work out what she wanted. We continued to live in the same house. I didn’t ‘throw her out’, physically or emotionally, as I came to terms with the shock & devastation newly arrived in my life. Eventually after about six weeks she said that she wanted to rebuild our marriage, if I was willing & able to work with her. There’s been NC with the MM for a month now, and she says that she is getting over him. She was honest enough to say initially that she was still thinking about him a lot, and knew it would take some time to get over losing him. She’s realistic enough to know that it was infatuation, and now knows it wasn’t real love.

*She didn’t paint a false picture *of newly re-found undying love for me, but expressed her thoughts that we needed to rebuild the closeness & intimacy that had been lost for many years. The things we hadn’t worked on all that time. The missing things that set up the situation for the affair to occur. We share the blame for the marriage deterioration, but I do blame (a bad word in reconciliations, I know) her entirely for having the affair. A counsellor that we saw explained that we needed to start down a road whereby we rebuild a friendship & enjoy each other’s company again, go out together, laugh together & have some fun. And then hope that maybe the loving affection materialises again. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t, but with so much invested in the marriage already, we should give it a try. Now I’m on board with this too, and I want to be able to get over what has happened. 

*I have some reservations* about how my wife takes a negative view on life generally, the opposite of myself, but maybe a lot of her depression & black thinking has sprung from her loneliness & unhappiness in the marriage. And she did feel lonely, caused partly by my actions & behaviour. If we both can change the aspects of our relationship that were stale & boring, then I believe that I still have a love that I can give to her, and we could be really happy. Much happier than before the affair started. She says she loves me, but isn’t_ in love _with me, but wants to see if she can be again, as we were many years ago.

*The thing that’s holding back progress is my anger.* My wife has obviously told me how sorry she is that she hurt me, and expressed regret for her actions & what may now happen in terms of breaking up the parents of our son. There were so many tears in the first weeks after she told me what she’d done. But in the last month her attitude is one of trying to get on with life & not acknowledging how I may be feeling & the hurt that I’m still suffering. Occasionally she’ll refer to her regret at what happened, but mostly it’s “come on husband, let’s get on with repairing the problems we had with our marriage before the affair”, or an attitude to that effect. She says she can’t start every sentence with ..... “I’m sorry I hurt you ........ do you want a cup of tea?”.

*Put simply, I don’t feel she’s putting me & my feelings first.* She says she can’t imagine what I’m feeling because she hasn’t gone through it herself. I try explaining that there are so many triggers that set me off. Every other TV drama has an affair as a plot line, road signs to the places they met together, a song on the radio that they loved together. I can easily get upset, and *I don’t want to take it out on my wife*. But because she’s got something of the attitude ..... “it happened, I’m sorry, now get over it & move on with rebuilding our relationship” kind of thing, I feel that I’m not getting the support or understanding that I need to move forward. Then I vent my anger on her, how she makes me feel, the hurt & the bad images that flash through my mind. And that knocks her rebuilding efforts back two steps for the one step we might have taken forward. I’m driving her round the bend with my angry outbursts. This cycle is happening repeatedly, and every few days my outbursts have her in tears for a day. If we carry on like this, I’m going to make her ill with depression. That won’t help anyone.

She asks how she’s supposed to show that she’s putting me first, and how she can be understanding of what’s happened to me. I can only say that if she gets her mind around it, the innumerable little things to support me will flow spontaneously, and I’ll be able to see understanding, starting in her eyes if nothing else.

*So we’re at an impasse. *I can’t work on rebuilding the marriage until she works a little harder on rebuilding me. She can’t work on supporting me until she feels that we have a better relationship & we’re closer to each other. Am I being unreasonable in expecting her to be moving heaven & earth to repair what she did to me? To continue to show some regret & contrition? Often. The lies & deceit are so hard to get over. 

I think I’ve tried to express the situation fairly. We’re close to separating because of this inability to get over my anger. My wife wants to move forward, but only in the way that she thinks appropriate. And that doesn’t account for my turbulent feelings & emotions. Plus, she really doesn’t want to be made ill by absorbing my anger every three days. I’ve edited this post after showing it to my wife to reflect her take on things too. She says that all I’ll get on this forum is an outpouring of sympathy for me as the BS. She says no one knows our personal histories & lives, and can judge us. So I’m looking for constructive help please, if anyone has any, not just _“She’s at fault and must make amends”. _ We have got specialist MC booked in a week's time.

*Thanks for your advice. Am I being unfair to her, and do I need to shape up & get on with things, getting rid of anger in another way? Maybe the dog had better look out.*


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> She asks how she’s supposed to show that she’s putting me first, and how she can be understanding of what’s happened to me. I can only say that if she gets he mind around it, the innumerable little things to support me will flow spontaneously, and I’ll be able to see understanding, starting in her eyes if nothing else.


My advice is that this is a mistake. It is always a mistake to simply assume that what you are doing for you spouse (the things _you_ believe are the ways they want you to love them) are actually the things that they are looking for.

Have you ever taken the 'love languages' test? That particular test comes up with 5 different ways that people communicate love. You may use (or want) one means of expression, and your wife another entirely. Its one way to find out some differences in your views of love.

Here's an example: suppose that you believe that showing your wife love is done through all the little things you do in the background: mowing the lawn, changing the oil in the car, running to the store, etc.

On the other hand, your wife thinks that a hug, a kiss, a back rub, and a great conversation are how you show her you love her. And so, you stay busy doing all those little things, and she sits and thinks, "it's certainly nice that he does all that stuff...but I wonder why he doesn't love me!"

The solution would be simple: she tells you what she finds loving. But instead of taking that step, she sits and thinks 'if he really loved me, he'd start doing all the things I like - "...the innumerable little things to support me will flow spontaneously..." (are they really 'innumerable, or is that hyperbole?) And without intention, love does not build.

And you sit at an impasse, deliberately! 



> So we’re at an impasse. I can’t work on rebuilding the marriage until she works a little harder on rebuilding me.


Actually, may I point out that she CANNOT rebuild you? Who you are, what you think and do, are entirely your responsibility. All she can do is to act in ways that show you that she is working on the marriage. And it is your choice to accept this or not. But her work is entirely on HER actions, and your work is entirely on yours. What needs to be rebuilt, in my mind, in the MARRIAGE, not you. A lot of damage was done to it, to the point that an affair interrupted it. 

If you simply sit and wait for her to somehow manage your emotions for you, to get into your mind and rearrange your thoughts, you will still be waiting years from now. 



> She can’t work on supporting me until she feels that we have a better relationship & we’re closer to each other.


Again, this is an unrealistic expectation: when you two first met, did you wait until you had a better relationship before you began doing things for one another that built up that relationship? Or did you start doing nice things as that relationship grew? Her work on 'supporting' you (whatever THAT means!) can only be done AS the relationship grows. Otherwise, you simply have hired a butler/maid. 



> Am I being unreasonable in expecting her to be moving heaven & earth to repair what she did to me? To continue to show some regret & contrition? Often. The lies & deceit are so hard to get over.


Give her some earth to move and she will. You can see that from how she has returned to the marriage after the affair. My impression is that this is a classic case of a person who will not forgive their spouse. As long as you do not forgive her, there will never be growth in your marriage. You will only receive servitude until resentment gets too large for one or both of you to handle. 

Forgiving is NOT the same as forgetting - nor is it in any way a cure for your pain. Forgiving her for the past means that you are willing instead to work on the present - the relationship - and to do what is necessary to make it better that it was before. 



> I think I’ve tried to express the situation fairly. We’re close to separating because of this inability to get over my anger. My wife wants to move forward, but only in the way that she thinks appropriate. And that doesn’t account for my turbulent feelings & emotions. Plus, she really doesn’t want to be made ill by absorbing my anger every three days.


And your anger is a response to your pain - so I'd advise that you look for ways to work through it. If necessary (and highly advised) find a course in anger management and stick with it to the end. You will be glad you did. Angry outbursts are one of the largest means of destroying love in a marriage - easily as big as deceit. And the old adage: two wrongs do not make a right fits here - just because she lied does not give you the right to explode in anger at her. That is highly counter productive.

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Now playing: Nine Inch Nails - Memorabilia
via FoxyTunes


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

My gut feel is that her attitude is probably appropriate... for A FEW MONTHS FROM NOW.

Eventually, you will have to get to a point where you have digested this, grieved for the marriage that once was and are ready to move forward. 

Continuing to see a marriage counselor is important. However, sooner or later your wife will be spot on. You will need to move forward.

What was important after my affair was that in order to move forward, the discussions my wife and I had were always about the future, not what I had done. When she started slipping back to discuss blame for the affair, or any of the other several things wrong in our marriage, her anger would build and there would be no discussion... just a ***** session where she vented for hours.

Finally, we agreed that the discussions we would have would be about how we would rebuild the marriage and if past issues were to be discussed, the discussion would stop. Those types of discussions were done in front of the marriage counselor, who could guide the conversation and keep it from being arguments.


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## redleaves (Jul 27, 2010)

*Yes, I was unreasonable*

Thanks for your replies, especially Tanelornpete. You are indeed a wise person, with clear insight into a briefly outlined relationship. You exactly described the way that I showed my wife love ..... doing the housework, cleaning her car or happily agreeing to her holidays away with girlfriends .... but it wasn't what she wanted. She wanted me to show love by holding her, telling her I loved her & showing an interest in what she's feeling & thinking. Difficult to do that when our conversations had almost ground to a halt.

Your reply, Pete, together with some other comments from friends, have allowed me to pull the plugs out of my ears and hopefully I'll be able to LISTEN to my wife when she speaks in the future. When she says it's over with the OM & she's committing work on our marriage, I will believe her. The rollercoaster of emotions has given many highs & lows. I can't say that we're over all of the lows, but I certainly feel more positive, and I feel an acceptance of what's happened, knowing that it's in the PAST. Yes, it happened, we'll never be able to forget it entirely, but I hope that I'm starting to come round to a real understanding of why it happened, following which I hope that genuine forgiveness can follow.

Your comments supported my wife's view on how we should be moving forward, and I thank you for that. I can see now that I was being unreasonable in what I expected from her. It really is a case of acceptance that it happened, and move on with the present & the future. We can none of us change the past.

I've read many of the posts that you've made for other people in difficult circumstances. I thank you again for your interest, your concern, and for your eloquent words of wisdom.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Redleaves - there is a lot of hope for your marriage - your wife is there, willing to work, you are open to consider information provided - and you are doing this together. This is really good! My thoughts are with you both.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

wow.. So good to hear happy ending story. However the angry outburst need to be controlled. Slowly you will be able to let go and move forward. You might not need to hug her at first. Start with simple thing like sitting together or touching of hand or body during activities. Keep up the good work. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## redleaves (Jul 27, 2010)

*It's not all smooth sailing*

I do seem to have turned a corner in terms of accepting what went on as "The Past", and I want to build a happy future, whether that be with my wife or apart. 

As I'd been quite negative about our future together until I read Tanelornpete's comments & spoke to a couple of friends last week, my wife was emotionally shutting down her commitment to rebuilding the marriage. She now seems to be irritated that I'm able to say that the past is behind us, lets move forward. Also that I'm more inclined to listen to a stranger's advice than the same advice that she has been giving me for more than a month now.

She says that just because I've changed my mind, and have put the past behind us (for now at least), it doesn't mean that she can instantly switch back into "marriage rebuilding mode", and that she's uncomfortable with me a) checking up on her phone records and b) having any say in where she goes & what she does. For example, I'd previously said that I didn't think it would be appropriate for her to go away to Spain in September / October for a 4-day weekend with her girlfriends. The affair started in September 09 on one such weekend. She says she doesn't want to go anyway, whether we're together or not. She doesn't acknowledge that if she had wanted to go, that it would be appropriate to consider my feelings, and to not go if I wasn't happy. "So I can never have a night away from you then?" is her emotional reply. Well, of course that's not true, but not right now, not until you can see that we're on the way to rebuilding our marriage, not until I feel I can trust you again.

When she revealed the affair, she told me that the lies were over, and yet they continued during the 5 - 6 week period when she was deciding what she wanted to do. She continued to meet the OM & lied about it (to save hurting my feelings), she gave him the number of the new iphone that I bought for her (two days later) & continued to promise that she'd keep it confidential, and after she'd seen him one day she told me "I feel quite different about him now", yet I saw a text she sent to him the same day saying "I feel just the same way". So the trust is not there yet, and it is going to take some time to recover it.

She doesn't seem to appreciate that my behaviour is reasonably normal for a betrayed husband. That it's taken me three months to come to terms with the affair. She's now had ten months to process the information. There's a big difference.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

"She gave him the number of the new iphone that I bought for her (two days later) & continued to promise that she'd keep it confidential, and after she'd seen him one day she told me "I feel quite different now", *yet I saw a text she sent to him the same day* saying "I feel just the same way".

How long ago was this?

It reads like she is stil lin the affair if so you need to harden up write down the steps to break this and then rebuild the marriage. 

She appears to have one foot in your camp and the other in his

What you wrote may just be referring to past history if so then start rebuilding..


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## redleaves (Jul 27, 2010)

Wisp,

The untruths that I exampled above were told to me during the five or six weeks that she took to decide which way to jump, i.e. with me in a new marriage, with the OM or on her own. Five weeks ago she committed to have NC with the OM, and as far as I can see she's been true to that promise. But the trust doesn't just come back instantly. It's got to be worked on. For a long time, I imagine. My point was that she told me about the affair and said there's be no more lies, and yet the lies continued. Have they stopped now - apparently, but who knows?

She says that I can't expect her to be able to snuff out all feelings for him instantly, and that they will disappear over time. She knows she was living in fog. The trouble is that while we have conflict between us over what's reasonable & what level of transparency she needs to show me over her phone calls & movements, all it does is to make our relationahip (and me) seem less attractive, and probably make her remember the simplicity of the time with OM as more appealing.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

You are correct to check up on her as history on many other cases shows they do lapse. 5 weeks is nothing when it comes to NC, there is a long way to go.

I guess it is the dialog that you and her have and her understanding of why she needs to be completely transparent. It protects her from the temptation to make contact. She should be open to the check and these will drop away as the duration of the NC gets greater and she get stronger.

Please read the posts from RWB, he is ahead of the curve. 

Talk About Marriage - View Profile: RWB

I personally am with RWB when it comes to outing the OM – if he is single he must be under no illusion that the relationship with him is over. 

Go to affaircare's site and print out the items needed to move on. Share the plan together. Access the site together. There is nothing wrong in letting her know by the actions that you are working on yourself and the marriage. 

Articles

If you and your wife can do this together with her working with you perhaps she will understand more what is happening with you.

Another tactic is to print out the articles for yourself and leave them where she can see them. You are doing research on how to move on and save your marriage and be a better person.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

redleaves,
my wife and I are also working things out, its been 6 months since I confronted her and she's been tranperant with her feeling on why she cheated. So I'v used this info to play the part of the OM,
We meet in pubs after work and I'll walk up to her and start flirting like a stranger. I send her text messages simular to the one I saw by the OM, I'v gone as far as to call her late late at nite from the next room and remind her on what a great time we had the other nite. I know it sounds corny but it's neat to see the smile on her face. It's wierd but you should see her face when her cell phone goes off in the middle of the nite, and then she sees it's me.


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