# Handling each other's stress???



## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

How does your husband/wife cope when you're stressed? Are they supportive no matter what or are they sick of you?

During the summer, I was very, very stressed for approx. 3 months and although my husband was supportive then, at the end of those 3 months he said he's sick of my stress and that he wants his peace. I quit the thing that was making me so stressed but now each time I feel a bit stressed (nothing compared to the summer) or when we have an argument (it's not often) he keeps repeating that he's sick of all the stress and he wants his peace. 

He himself is stressed very often, moans every day and is not happy unless he has exactly what he wants - he can't appreciate those little things that are good. And I've been always very supportive, I literally trained myself how to handle his stress (with the help of Google...). Obviously, he doesn't want to do the same for me and instead wants me to be stress-free and happy all the time. But that's unrealistic and it feels horrible because I feel this pressure to be happy and I have stopped talking to him about anything that worries me/stresses me fearing that he will be sick of me again. But, being a woman, I need to talk those things through and not being able to do it makes me more stressed (in silence, of course)! Now I'm talking more to my mum and a bit to my friend but he is the person I live with so it's hard to literally bite my tongue each time I want to comment on something unpleasant or stressful. I just don't know what to do!!! 

It got me thinking - isn't it normal that there is some stress in life (a bit sarcastic, I know)? Shouldn't two people just get used to that fact and hug/talk to each other when such situation happens and not react with irritation ("Oh God, you're stressed again!")? Isn't saying "I just want peace" a bit insensitive? 

I'm working really hard on myself to be able to be supportive when he's stressed. I thought that's what you have to learn when you're married - but it doesn't seem to cross my husband's mind...

I'd really appreciate your comments...


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

There is a difference between someone having a stressful job and complaining about it everyday vs. having a stressful job and venting about it say once a week.... It sounds like your H got tired of the stress over the summer and has now just dismissed any stress you have. I would sit down with him and explain what you've explained here. If he continues to dismiss it, perhaps counseling to help get your point across?
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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

Probably this is what is happening now. I get the feeling that he's almost "allergic" to my stress...

I was thinking about giving him "time off" by not talking about my problems at all for some time and then trying to talk again and if he still dismisses my worries/stress - maybe then trying to talk to him seriously.

But on the other hand, he keeps complaining about his job every single day! So I feel that it's a bit unfair that he can complain every day and I then grind my teeth just to be supportive but I can't say what worries me?! I don't know how that can be right. I think this situation lacks balance.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Of course it does, and if my H did that, I would say to him just what you wrote. This seems to be a lack of communication in your M. If my H came home complaining everyday, I would basically point it out to him and let him know its hard to be supportive of your stress when you dismiss my stress.
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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

I told him that but he denies that he complains every day AND he says that his complaining is not comparable to mine, because mine is worse/more serious (that I complain about more serious things). I'm not sure how much sense it makes for anyone else, but for me - not much. 

Also, his situation is almost perfect compared to mine. Quick summary of the past 3.5 years: He:completed his training, got a good job and makes quite a lot of money; Me: moved to another country because of his training, worked 2 years in a crappy job where I was being verbally abused, did 1 year of training but had to quit because of an incompetent tutor, in the meantime was depressed, and now thinking what to do next and what the .... is going on with my life. So, from my point of view, I DO have more things to complain about but I try to "look on the bright side" anyway. 

I don't think he could even "survive" all those things I've been through in the past few years. But I had to and now I can't even talk about it. It's just not fair.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I do think I have a feeling of what your getting at, based really on your last paragraph. I personally have been through hell and back with what I've been through during our marriage.... Not just because of my marriage, but health issues primarily. I've not addressed two of the biggest health problems on an emotional level. I'm not ready. BUT I find myself trying to talk about the issues sporadically with my H... He doesn't shush me, but it does get quiet, and start talking about something else, when I call him out on doing it, he explains he doesn't know how to help me... I think it goes back to guys are not as emotional as us. They can't understand sometimes. I mean, he was there when I gave birth, so he knows what happened. But he doesn't know what it really did to me... He can listen to me, but what good does it do after 3 years? It's not affecting him like it does me to this day. Just telling you my side though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

P.s. I'm not saying to stop being stressed. What I'm suggesting is that if you are stressed over things that happened a while ago, it may be time to seek IC... Counciling on your own first. I plan on doing that if I cannot work through the emotions about something that only I can truly help, I.e the birth of my children.
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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

There's the point of having to listen to someone who endlessly complains that they are sick of this that or the other. I have listened to my wife carp and whine endlessly about any # of things that she and she alone has not only the power but the flexibility to change. But that's not how enablers think. They wrap themselves in martyrdom for the thrill being able to complain about 'what YOU made me do' later. 

In other words it's not 'stress' it's being an a-hole for the sake of being an a-hole. There comes a point where me listening to someone else's grumbling doesn't fix anything. They're grumbling because that's what they do. To them it's soothing like the OCD who checks the oven 14 times. Me telling them the oven's off isn't going to solve that.


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

I'm going through something similar, I guess. Before this summer he listened, talked to me, etc. Now he just gets annoyed when I even start talking - or he dismisses my worries. 

But, as in your case, I don't think he understands what those things I went through did to me, how terribly painful was watching him and others progress in their lives while I was going down or standing still in a foreign country where no one appreciated me. How horrible was not being able to answer a simple question of "how are you doing" from old friends that I met by accident just because I was ashamed of how my life was (and partly is...). How depressing was hearing everyone talk about his success during our family reunions while no one even mentioned me because there was nothing to mention. And all that having in mind that years back it was me to whom people would come for help and advice (personal and professional). This is when I felt I meant something, that I was someone. I lost that and it still hurts. I really don't think he could "survive" all this since he moans now, having such good situation. And I don't think he gets the seriousness of what I've been through. 

So how do you cope with your husband? Do you talk to him anyway or just shut up?


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

Runs_like_Dog: 
It's not about fixing. Like John Gray said ("Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"): women, when they complain, they don't want their partner to fix anything. They just want to be listened, understood, and have a chance to sort out what they feel exactly - by talking things through, as if "pouring" them out to be able to see them more clearly. 

So I just want that - and I told my husband that he doesn't have to do anything about it. We read Gray's books so he's aware of that difference between sexes. It's not that. I just feel that he doesn't "need" my stress because he already has his own. But that's not being married - that's being single! Before we were married his mother always protected him from "unpleasant" things or someone else's problems saying that "he doesn't need to know this" or "he doesn't need to be burdened with that". And he was happy with not knowing. I think it was just more comfortable. 

But one thing drills my mind: if he wasn't able to put up with me being stressed for 3 months, would he be able to cope in more serious situations? Or would he say "I just want my peace"? I guess once you have kids (we don't yet), peace is an exception.

I don't know how to "vaccinate" him against "not having peace"... any suggestions?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I talk about it sometimes. But I don't expect much conversation out of it. Other times I just meditate, just get in a quiet place until my stress level subsides. 

How can your husband help you with those feelings you have? What can he do to help you work through those feelings? Do you blame him for what happened? Or better yet, was it his fault? I think I did on some level... He got me pregnant! Silly, I know. But I had some family members even blaming my kids for me basically dying :-(
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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

I do the same thing or I just go to the bathroom and cry my eyes out and then put on some make-up so that he doesn't know that I've been crying. 

What could he do? Well, start listening to me again, in the first place, and then try to truly understand what I've been through and how much it hurt, instead of dismissing it by saying "these things just happen". Everything "happens" but it doesn't mean that by saying that it becomes any less painful! I'd like him to really put himself in my shoes and think how he would feel if he was in my situation - I think he's afraid of doing it. 

Do I blame him? Not exactly for what I've been through but I think that I'm bitter because he just enrolled for the training in a foreign country and never asked me whether I wanted to leave my country or not. So back then I felt that basically I had no choice - if I wanted to be with him. I don't think he would stay in our country just because of me. The training was more important - that's for sure. Basically, I don't think he would do what I did for him (move to another country and start over). And knowing that either frustrates me or makes me despair, depending on the day  

So that's why I think he should at least listen to me. Sometimes I can't help thinking that he "owes me" at least that. I don't know what would happen if we never left our country, but knowing that I had almost no choice but to move (because he wouldn't stay) and that it's not going well for me here (while he achieved what he wanted) makes me think that it's just unfair. I know that "life is unfair" ("...kill yourself or get over it...") but I don't think he understands how different his and my life have been for the past years. And that makes it more difficult...


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

After he says these things happen, can you say yes, they do and I would like to just talk it through right now, and suggest he just listen? Not make it sound like you're looking for a real resolution. Maybe suggest your just sharing how you're feeling and not blaming or wanting/expecting him to fix anything. If I'm thinking about something and its affecting that moment, I will mention it to my H. If he brushes it off and its still affecting me, I will tell him that I really need to get this off my chest, or the rest of the night will be ****ty.

But your situation sounds more like resentment, not stress per say. You have made sacrifices in your marriage, and it seems he's made none? Is that how your feeling? In fact, it appears his life has improved and yours has declined?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

Cherry said:


> In fact, it appears his life has improved and yours has declined?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is exactly what happened but he won't admit it. This is why I don't like talking about my life to anyone anymore. Because people might "do the math" and this one sentence summarizes it all. And I don't want those "ahhhh, I see" gasps... I think I'm tougher because of what happened to me but it hurts that he won't face the fact that his life really improved and I'm just trying not to drown completely. I think that I resent the fact that he's not able to admit it. I suspect that he's protecting himself because otherwise he'd need to admit that maybe he made a mistake by not asking me whether I wanted to move or not. Since he can't do it, if he's irritated when I'm stressed about something, he makes ME feel as if I was complaining "for the sake of it" or even worse, as if I was crazy (because everything's fine and I'm depressed for no reason). 

Will I be able to talk to him about my problems ever again?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

How long ago was the move, if you mentioned I can't seem to find it.
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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

I have a similar problem but with a twist. Many of my lifelong stresses were in part caused by my H's inability to truly listen and hear me in the past. I had tried all manners of communication, but to no avail. So now when I bring up my emotional need to vent my stress, he takes it literally to the other extreme. He thinks he is totally responsible and has to fix it... and being that he's depressed, and believes that he can't fix it, he's suicidal. We had a VERY challenging holiday with a severe threat and possible attempt and now with the advice of my councellor in an emergency call, has me to keep him happy and content at all cost until H can see his IC... this of course comes with the price of me keeping quiet and calm whilst my heart and spirit are getting eaten away with a million thoughts, feeling and questions which I must be patient and wait to talk to my IC about. I cannot talk to him about them because more than likely it will send him over the deep end again. This is extremely tough situation, as my IC is my only outlet at this point in time. MY H has sucessfully alienated and isolated me from my family and friends through his influence so that in his mind I am completely dependant on him on every level.

It is amazing difficult, but I must keep strong. Find an IC to help you through.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> Runs_like_Dog:
> It's not about fixing. Like John Gray said ("Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"): women, when they complain, they don't want their partner to fix anything. They just want to be listened, understood, and have a chance to sort out what they feel exactly - by talking things through, as if "pouring" them out to be able to see them more clearly.


You should set a time limit on that. After a few years of 'wanting to be heard' I can't hear anything and don't care. Sorry.


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

Runs_like_Dog: why you don't care? shouldn't you have learnt,over those years, how to just listen? Is it sooo difficult? And also: have you been "pouring your hart out" too or you're the quiet type? 

Cherry: The move was more than 3 years ago. I'm scared to even think that it's been so long... 

RoseRed: my husband had a moment when he would accept that I was where I was partly because of him (=because I moved for him). But he quickly said: "I don't want to blame myself for everything" and I guess that was it. I was so depressed back then and needed him so badly that I kept saying that it wasn't his fault at all. I couldn't handle such a massive confrontation at that time.
How did it happen that your husband went from one extreme to the other? How did you cope when he wasn't listening?

I might have quite a few challenges ahead of me in the new year and I'm really scared that I will be on my own in it if he isn't going to be supportive again (we are alone here, we have just a few friends from his work but no one close). I'm really sad about that because he's been so good at being supportive, at listening and talking to me, and that was something I absolutely loved about him. It made me feel so secure, that I could turn to him with everything. Now I feel that emotionally I'm on my own. And I'm just scared...
Also, as to my friends, I have always been a "giver/listener" so they are used to talking about themselves, asking me for advice, but they don't tend to ask about my feelings. Now, when I need them so much, it doesn't even cross their minds to ask me how I really am. 
I guess this is what you get for always being there for everybody without asking for something in return....


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I'm getting confused then. Are you asking how he can continue helping you through the stress related to the move, I.e. your continued stress, affecting your emotional state of mind? Or new every so often fly by night stress, the occasional problem, a pending problem? 

My H has done some stupid **** over the years... And shortly after we got married, our finances got out of wack because of that stupid **** he did. Our debt is worse than it ever was, and I've never hurt like this financially. BUT I was there, I saw it spiraling, I did not stop it. That means it became OUR problem, no one blaming each other. It is now what it pis, and we can't take any of it back. 

Another story, when I got pregnant with my twins, it had been over a year since my H pulled his first round of crap. I was constantly throwing his crap in his face. For what? I wanted reassurance that our little family would be okay... That he wouldn't relapse, I was scared. One day he looked at me during one of my fits, and just point blank said "what more do you want me to do? ". He was doing everything right, keeping his nose clean. I had to back off, the stress was overwhelming... The what ifs. I had to look at myself. He was okay, and 4 years later my biggest fear has not come true... Crack Cocaine. He's still an ass, but he didn't disappear into crackland and abandon his precious babies  This story may not pertain to your exact situation, but when my H asked me point blank what else he could do after a year of still doing everything right.. I was stumped. I didn't stop to think there wasn't any more he could do to solve my stress. I needed to start enjoying my new little family, not living in the past.

P.s. not saying you should never discuss your fears with your H. But it can get irritating to continue hearing about things you honestly have control over after a certain time. I think its healthier all the way around to try and find positives in what life throws at you... The old saying make lemonade out of the lemons thrown at you 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Being there for someone and not asking for anything in return isn't a bad thing... means you are a giver. 

Yes, you do need to find yourself a "support system". It might not be your husband. The good part about that is you are free to find good support, professional or otherwise, that can truly help you. Qualified for what you need. And it might even turn out way better in the end, because your husband maybe can't even help you.

Only advice I could give you would be to communicate that you are just wanting reassurances. Not complaining, or asking him to "do" anything, but just sharing your feelings that you are scared about the future. Playing what if can be a mind game, in the end though. 

What if you wrote down every morning what you are grateful for?
What if you made a point to say how much you appreciate your H every day? 
What if you got up each morning and decided to enjoy today instead of worrying about tomorrow?

It can work both ways.
I hope you are able to find some balance and support. Venting here sounds like it might help you as well.
Best wishes,


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> Runs_like_Dog: why you don't care? shouldn't you have learnt,over those years, how to just listen? Is it sooo difficult?


It doesn't lead anywhere. It's just neurotic noise for nothing. It's just listening to someone grumble and vent every minute of every hour of every day for 30 years. And any response, any, will be challenged and shouted down. 



> And also: have you been "pouring your hart out" too or you're the quiet type?


No of course not. My thoughts or feelings don't enter into this at all. There's no room for them. I can't remember the last time my wife even stayed in the same room until I got to the end of the sentence.


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

Runs_like_Dog: 
I really feel for you and now I understand your bitterness. I definitely agree that there must be some limits on venting. In my case though, the limit is now set so low that if I put more limit on what I've got right now, there would be virtually nothing left. Also, I have never ever not listened to my husband's complaining, moaning, whining, etc. and I have never shouted down what he was saying to me. I might have disagreed but I did appreciate all his suggestions or ideas. I've got too much respect for him (and for anyone else for that matter) to be even able to shout him down. It was the effort that mattered to me. So I do understand your pain, especially if you're the quiet type. There must have been a lot of imbalance in your relationship. 

Has something particular happened that caused that situation or was it the case that "life happened"? Sorry for asking if you've already explained it in another thread... I'm new here....


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I am not exactly sure of what is going on. He is working in a job he enjoys and is still stressed. You it seems are not working and also 'stressed'. What exactly are you both so stressed about.


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

Deejov: 
being THE giver sometimes is bad, believe me. I think that some balance should be maintained, otherwise you'll end up resentful. I know that but I have never known how to put it in practice. So here I am. 
As for the support system - I realise that I need one. I will need to think where to find it. I'd love to make new friends but for me it takes a lot of time to trust someone so I might look into some of my old friendships. Venting here feels really good because I know that the advice I get here is not biased by any feelings that someone might have towards me. I value objectivity very very much. 

Cherry:
I do exactly the same thing - I either worry about the future or think about the past. Lately I've been trying to learn how to enjoy the present moment but it's not easy, after being a worrier for such a long time. Have you managed to live in the present? If so, what helped you?
As for the control, I still don't feel that I have it when it comes to my life. This move and everything that has happened since then was so unexpectedly painful that I think I'm still in some kind of a shock. It's like going to a dentist expecting that you'll have one filling, at the most, and having instead four extractions, eight fillings and a dental surgery. Horrible and confusing at the same time. But I'd love to feel that I have regained that control... I used to have it so that's why it's so difficult to live without it. But thank you for reminding me about that aspect. You're right it is sometimes down to us and only us to feel better...
As for positives - I literally dig in my heart and mind looking for them because otherwise the situation would be unbearable. But I tend to forget about them or doubt in them completely when things get worse...
It is my husband who has difficulties with looking at the bright side.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

What's helped me live in the present? A lot of things. It started with treatment, I went to AA, alcoholics anonymous for a while, at first as support for my H, but it turned out I got way more insight for life in general. I can't really explain it, but the basic idea is to take life day by day, when you can. I can remember listening to the principles of AA, and thinking that everyone should go through this even if they don't need to. It's humbling, but its not for everyone... It became my support system for a good while . Good luck to you. I hope you can find peace within.
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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> Has something particular happened that caused that situation or was it the case that "life happened"? Sorry for asking if you've already explained it in another thread... I'm new here....


I think it's as simple as progressive mental illness, anger, unresolved childhood issues, getting banged around by life. The kind of thing most people have to suffer and shrug though but some people are spectacularly ill equipped to deal with. I fact I blame myself for not picking up on the problems earlier on. I was not clued in to her boiling anger and miserable behavior just beneath the surface. I chose to ignore it or gloss it over. I am thoroughly convinced my wife is a paranoid personality with some form of psychopathic tendencies. Someone with essentially two emotions: Anger, and fear.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> RoseRed: my husband had a moment when he would accept that I was where I was partly because of him (=because I moved for him). But he quickly said: "I don't want to blame myself for everything" and I guess that was it. I was so depressed back then and needed him so badly that I kept saying that it wasn't his fault at all. I couldn't handle such a massive confrontation at that time.
> How did it happen that your husband went from one extreme to the other? How did you cope when he wasn't listening?
> 
> I might have quite a few challenges ahead of me in the new year and I'm really scared that I will be on my own in it if he isn't going to be supportive again (we are alone here, we have just a few friends from his work but no one close). I'm really sad about that because he's been so good at being supportive, at listening and talking to me, and that was something I absolutely loved about him. It made me feel so secure, that I could turn to him with everything. Now I feel that emotionally I'm on my own. And I'm just scared...
> ...


Through 20+ years of trying my hardest to communicate my needs, wants and desires and being completely dismissed has finally come to light to him through MC and IC and a brief separation. I do take ownership in being overly patient and having faith that I heard over time and again... " yes dear... when things settle down... then you can work on a solid career". In essence he was blowing me off... admitted to me and our MC he thought my pursuit of my fulfilling career was a "hobby"... something to keep the wife busy but it is disposible. I take 50% responsibility that I should have stood up and be more assertive.. however I fell for each line he gave me, giving in to his plan as being the best plan. Now he sees... and now when I do become assertive, (something that is quite foreign to him) he clams up, thinks he can't fix it or make it work his way, and has threatened suicide many times... basically emotional blackmail.. and as he knows I love him dearly... it works. As for my support system, he has over the years, isolated me from my family and friends, he has subverted them to think me the cold heartless biotch since I grew a spine. So... in essence... I am alone going through my own issues, and our marriage issues. I have only my IC and my private doctor to truly confide in and look for guidance. Anytime I am stressed, or which just to feel his emotional support and love..anything I voice that can remotely be connected to a relationship issue...or he construes to be a relationship issue, he goes off the deep end. I am truly thankful that I have my personal doctor who is very supportive and my IC will squeeze me in at any available time if I need help. Right now, I am feeling the sword of damacles (sp) hanging over my head, and walking on egg shells... meanwhile terrified for the safety of my children and myself as I go through all this...

PM me if you wish..


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