# How do you cope?



## Vrig (Jul 13, 2012)

How do you cope with the hurt, anger, anxiety, flashbacks, and the overwhelming pain of your spouses affair? My wife of 27 years was in a 1 year long EA that turned into a PA over the last month, sometimes in my own home while I was at work. The man (i use the term loosely) in question moved here a month ago to be near her and i recently discovered the ugly truth about their activities. I have been fed nothing but a mountain of lies by my wife, even as we were seeing a marriage counselor over that time. I have had 2 face to face confrontations with this "man", and they both were very ugly. He is a manipulator and a user and has swooped in when my wife was emotionally vulnerable. I am not saying she is without blame, because she certainly is. But there are very emotional circumstances associated with 2 children with substance abuse issues over the last 10 years, years of deep depression and stress in our relationship, and my own neglect of her needs when she needed me most. She assures me it is over, but as long as he is in town I have my doubts. I want our marriage to survive, and am not willing to throw 26 good years away over 1 year of bad judgement. But how do you get past the pain? I have never felt as bad, and the images in my brain wont go away. It is just overwhelming!
By the way I have been 100% faithful to her since the day we met. I have no thoughts of getting even. I just wish it could somehow go away and never come back......


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

She has to become completely transparent to you. Cell phone, emails, bank accounts, credit card statements, etc. you must have unhindered access whenever you want. She must write a no contact letter and give to him with you there. She must account for her whereabouts 100% of the time. She must be truly remorseful - not just sorry she got caught. She should be willing to do anything for you right now. ANYTHING. to win you back.

She is on probation, until YOU decide if you will take her back.

If she does these things it will help you. Other than that, time.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Vrig, breathe deep, you're in for a long ride. Did your wife confess or did you find it out on your own or through some other means?
Don't confront the OM again. He's not worth it. 

Time to start doing the 180, check my signature. 

Sometimes you need to be prepared to walk away from something in order to save it.

First order of business: Get rid of the bed 

* I am not to blame for her affair* 
You need to repeat the above statement until it firmly gets lodged in your brain


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## Vrig (Jul 13, 2012)

She has given me control of email, cell phone, bank, and everything else. I was there when she broke it off with him too. I believe she is truly remorseful and working hard to save our marriage. 
Thanks for the advise...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would force those ugly thoughts out by telling my self "I diserve good things". When I first confronted my wife I would force those thought out every second of the day....repeating "I diserve good things".

Don't let this negitive crap define who you are...You diserve good things...don't let her unhealthy choice to take the easy way out by decieving you instead of leaving the marriage by letting her sh!t define who you are.

Its not what knocks us down that counts, it how we get back up that matters. Remember her behavior and her action are all on her she now owns that for ever, but today you diserve good things.

She had the moralless character to do those things, not you you are the better person and should hold your head high.

Talking to my formed wayward wife, sometimes it was passionate sometimes it was just clumbsy, by every time it was on the run and never fullfilling. The point here is you may need the painful details to understand what really went on. In my case the thoughts I had were nothing compared to what really went on. I have seen enough porno's to know what they did, but I needed to hear it from my wife. This being another consequence that she had to face for me to know what I was forgiving.

Some times thinking the OM (other man) is in a clown suit with a big red nose making fart sound can help.

Any way I personaly have to have the ego that tells me that the OM's had nothing over me and i was way better. A confindence in my self that would not allow those mind movies in. I will not let my wifes adultorous behavioe define me.

Stay positive and educate your self about infedelity there is alot out there you still need to read go get some post dramitic strees counseling and check your self for STD's.

It sounds like the OM is single so I doubt you can expose the affair to his GF/wife?


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## Vrig (Jul 13, 2012)

Thanks for the encouragement, I have asked her for the ugly details and she has been honest about it although I kind of wish I hadn't asked in hindsight. Our therapist didn't think it was a good idea but its water under the bridge now. I know I have the moral high ground but I am not beating her over the head with it. I want to try and salvage whats left of our marriage but i know it will be a difficult road. Earning my trust back will take years and she knows that. Can we survive this? i dont know but I am willing to make the initial effort. 
Right now I have to get through the shock in pain that consume my every thought.


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## Vrig (Jul 13, 2012)

Kitty i found the 180 interesting and gave me a different perspective. I fall into the "needy" category and I am going to pull myself out of it.i dont want to be that person. However i dont want to be negative in an effort to get a positive response from her. I could see that approach being helpful if divorce was a desired outcome. My wife knows she has no more chances with me and I made that very clear, i dont think i need to reinforce that further. i really want to work through it if we can, but it will be the hardest thing we have ever had to do. Thanks for giving me a different point of view to consider.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The mind movies are tough and so are the triggers, but I found that having that certian erogence about my self helps. This kind of confidence is not to beat her over the head with but to force those evil thoughts....not allowing that kind of evil to control your life.

Kind of like telling your self that you are better then this and don't need these thought in your head.

That what I'm talking about


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

OM no doubt about it is not going to vanish so easyly. He moved here for her. You wife maught cave in. Keylog the PC, watch the phone.
Be ready to draft a NC letter warning about potentia llegal consequences un case OM don't back off. He will fish.

I wonder what MC had to say about the waste of time and money. Nothing you tried to get from MC had any chance to go through your wife's mind. She was in a campaing of sabotage. A total waste.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

can't help with the mind movies, I move on and put things in lil compartment. As for a**wipe, have her get a RO if he fish, then file a stalking case if he persist.


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## Vrig (Jul 13, 2012)

i like the idea of stalking case. that would be a tiny bit of justice.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

all fair in love an war.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

you may find some exercises and techniques from CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) helpful in dealing with the mind movies, triggers, circular thinking, etc. Time will be the most helpful thing. The longer she stays faithful the easier it will get. Like the constant rolling waves of the ocean, eventually the waves of time will wear smooth the jagged edges of your pain. 

Go see a psychiatrist and see if sertraline (zoloft) will be beneficial. The mechanism by which sertraline raises serotonin levels in the brain, makes it easier to let go, and move on from painful and traumatic events. Sertraline has a direct impact on self esteem and confidence.

Nuking the bed is also a cathartic and good experience. Replace it with a tempurpedic, those are amazing beds. We've had one for 6 years, and I cant sleep on anything else now.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Vrig,

Sorry you are here and you are in shock, hurt, pain and disappointment. Most of us have gone through this.

My understanding is that she has shown remorse and has offered full transparency. And she wants to work on the marriage.

There is not much you can expect from her, more than the ones we said just now. You should now heal. Quickly.

Consult your doctor. Go for workouts.

Drive the anger away.

Take care,
AU


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## brojamout (Jul 14, 2012)

You cope by getting out. Why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone who is willing to violate your trust and relationship in such a despicable way. You could try and understand why, but unless its obvious that you were a horible spouse, get out! How could you be happy with someone who went for another and threw away what you had with them in such a way. Get out, don't look back, and know you will be happier for it. I you feal week because you are still with someone who did that to you, its because you are. Be strong and move on, and realize somebody else will treat you better, cuz they cant treat you much worse. You all deserve better than someone who has proven they dont deserve you. Its hard to sepereat, but that is the way to go. There are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part, move on.... and ask yourself, "Do I really want someone who is willing to throw around what I hold dear?" Why would you try hard with someone who clearly doesn't give a damn about you?


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## brojamout (Jul 14, 2012)

And just know that Im not 1 of these dr. phils in here with over a hundred, or even a thousand, posts. I read your post and had to tell you there's better out there for you. She will likely cheat again, and you will always question every wierd phone call she has. All her other man has to do is buy her a prepaid phone, and you would never know. And do you really want to be in a relationship based on doubt, instead of trust and love? Maybe you had years of happiness, and im sure thats true, but how much did she care about that when she started with this dude? And you know you will have doubts as long as your'e with her. Does that sound like what a marriage is about? I think not.


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## Vrig (Jul 13, 2012)

Brojamont, I am not sure if i am ready to go there but I get your point for sure. I do deserve better, but doesnt everyone that has had a cheating spouse? no on deserves this kind of pain, it is indescribable. But not all separate, some make it through. i know some feel that the cheating ends trust and is a fatal violation of sacred vows. Others feel the marriage is worth trying to salvage. that is where i stand at the moment but i dont know if i will keep that attitude for long. i have learned a lot just searching this website and it has given me a different perspective on the whole thing. i am a different person today than yesterday


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

True Reconciliation requires two willing participants, and a commitment to the level of work involved in recovering from such a devastating event. As you read through more of this subforum, you will notice a pattern in the stories that involve true R (reconciliation). If the R has two willing participants, and the DS (disloyal spouse) is doing his/her due diligence in terms of remorse, self discovery, and healing, the chances for success get exponentially better. A key component in true R is for both parties to acknowledge, and mourn, the death of the former relationship. The old life is gone, and will not ever return. A new life, new relationship, can be established using the history, and functional portions of the old relationship as a foundation. In most cases, R is much tougher than D (divorce), and really requires careful thought and deliberation. Best of luck to you, keep us posted.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Cheated On, Tortured by Images
Feeding the Affair-Image Beast
Erase Obsessive Affair Images (in 30 Minutes)


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

brojamout said:


> You cope by getting out. Why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone who is willing to violate your trust and relationship in such a despicable way. You could try and understand why, but unless its obvious that you were a horible spouse, get out! How could you be happy with someone who went for another and threw away what you had with them in such a way. Get out, don't look back, and know you will be happier for it. I you feal week because you are still with someone who did that to you, its because you are. Be strong and move on, and realize somebody else will treat you better, cuz they cant treat you much worse. You all deserve better than someone who has proven they dont deserve you. Its hard to sepereat, but that is the way to go. There are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part, move on.... and ask yourself, "Do I really want someone who is willing to throw around what I hold dear?" Why would you try hard with someone who clearly doesn't give a damn about you?


It's easy for others to tell you to just divorce your wife. Only you are in a position to make the decision that's right for you. For some, infidelity is a deal breaker. For others it's not. There are a few members here that have successfully recovered from infidelity.

You mentioned that you don't want to throw away 26 good years for 1 bad one. As long as your wife is willing to put in the effort and do the heavy lifting, then the two of you might make it. Good luck!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Bro, plz leave the name calling out of your post. I am far from a dr. phil. These ppl earned there opinions from pain not in a schoolroom. I don't have a CS anymore. I don't have pain from her A. What I have is a desire to help and help myself regain my soul. So welcome aboard and plz feel it.


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## Vrig (Jul 13, 2012)

Thanks Count i appreciate the wishes.


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## Vrig (Jul 13, 2012)

I wanted to throw a question out there and get some opinions. I gave my wife the ultimatum last week that we would divorce if she didnt end it. she wrote a letter to the OM breaking it off with no contact and I was there when she read it over the phone. At the time the OM said he didnt want the letter sent to him. His only response was F.U. My wife has been in full time therapy for depression and alcohol far away since then, and I know she has had no contact with the OM. I have the NC letter and I am thinking of sending it to the OM, because I think it would be a good slap in the face and there would be no doubt who wrote it. Is this something I should do? Or should I leave it alone at this point? I am torn but thought others might have some good thoughts.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Send it so who ever OM is worried about, finding it.

Hell even certify it....

You have a good chance of exposing the affair to OMW /GF which in turn will help strees the affair from starting up again.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

No matter how serious your wife appears you should start the "trust but verify" policy. One year long EA-PA doesn't get dropped so easily. While sordid it was a relationship, while fantasy grounded it was a relationship. She was deeply attached so the chances of breaking NC very soon are high, it happens very often as a matter of fact. Until your wife get past the withdrawal phase the odds are she will tempted to break NC wich migh let to resume the EA. OM will fish, she can cave in. Explain to your wife what you expect from her in case OM follow her or start comunicating from different phones, etc. Keylog the PC, check the phone bill. Monitor her whereabouts. 

Send OM the NC letter in a way he can't deny he received it.
Add to the NC letter the necesary words to enforce chargues of harassment in case he doesn't honor your request.

Welcome TAM CWI newbies


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

brojamout said:


> And just know that Im not 1 of these dr. phils in here with over a hundred, or even a thousand, posts.


Was that mean as a compliment or what?:scratchhead:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Vrig said:


> I wanted to throw a question out there and get some opinions. I gave my wife the ultimatum last week that we would divorce if she didnt end it. she wrote a letter to the OM breaking it off with no contact and I was there when she read it over the phone. At the time the OM said he didnt want the letter sent to him. His only response was F.U. My wife has been in full time therapy for depression and alcohol far away since then, and I know she has had no contact with the OM. I have the NC letter and I am thinking of sending it to the OM, because I think it would be a good slap in the face and there would be no doubt who wrote it. Is this something I should do? Or should I leave it alone at this point? I am torn but thought others might have some good thoughts.


Was he taking advantage of a sick woman? Nasty, POSOM!

I wish you and your wife well, no matter how you decide to handle this, R or D.


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## Vrig (Jul 13, 2012)

Thanks Matt he was taking advantage and manipulated her like a puppet since the beginning. Like I said before she has to take the blame for her choices. but with a long history of deep depression she was very vulnerable.He knew exactly how to push her buttons and is a real POS. I had the chance to knock him out but held back. I didnt want to go to jail for their actions...sometimes i wish i did


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Was that mean as a compliment or what?:scratchhead:


Me too!:scratchhead:


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