# Husband Left, Now He Wants to Come Home



## sarahkj2009

Hi everyone. It's been a really rocky road for the last five months. After a lot of fighting, on 8/11/13, my husband left and took the kids to his parents' house. He then closed my credit cards and wiped out our savings. After I learned of this, I took drastic action. I cut my wrists. He claimed I was attempting suicide but I really wasn't. I required no stitches and I was conscious when he returned home. It was a cry for help on my part. When I was in a mental hospital for two days, he made me sign a consent order that removed my parental rights to our children. After I was cleared to leave the next day, I hired an attorney who successfully reversed the consent order. We're currently sharing custody. He now wants to come home. For the last four months, I have been focused on bettering myself. I went on an anti-depressant and see a therapist twice a week. I'm actually doing remarkably well. In many ways, I rebuilt myself from the inside out. I'm thriving personally and professionally. I always had issues with my in-laws, mainly dealing with lack of boundaries on their part. My husband was never able to make a break from his family. In many ways, he put his family's needs above the needs of his wife and children. I had access to his email and Verizon accounts so I read so many hurtful messages and emails between his mother and him. She was actually the person that got him the attorney and really guided him with regard to trying to remove my parental rights. Now he wants to come home and wants me to accept a new life where he and I are a family, but he is allowed to bring the kids to family parties and to his parents house without me. He left me when I needed him most. I pretty much learned how to live without him. My small children also learned and became somewhat comfortable with the shared custody. This past week we spent every day together with the kids, but many times I had to say good bye to them. They always became hysterical and cried about having to leave me, but the consent order states I have them during the day and they sleep with him at his parents' house. I just don't know what to do. On the one hand, I still love him, but I also am incredibly hurt that he left me. I'm also concerned how reuniting will affect my recovery. Thanks for any input.


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## PBear

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're in a state to be in a close relationship with him. What does your therapist say? He's much more familiar with your thoughts and feelings than any of us will be. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarahkj2009

PBear said:


> Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're in a state to be in a close relationship with him. What does your therapist say? He's much more familiar with your thoughts and feelings than any of us will be.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My therapist thinks getting back together is not a good idea. This is because my husband has said I have 90% of the changing to do. He does not view his marriage as a partnership. Rather, his comments have shown he believes I'm just a wife who needs fixing.


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## PBear

sarahkj2009 said:


> My therapist thinks getting back together is not a good idea. This is because my husband has said I have 90% of the changing to do. He does not view his marriage as a partnership. Rather, his comments have shown he believes I'm just a wife who needs fixing.


No offense, but why are apparently torn on following your therapist's advice? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarahkj2009

Maybe because I want my kids to enjoy an intact home.


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## PBear

sarahkj2009 said:


> Maybe because I want my kids to enjoy an intact home.


I understand that. But you're paying your therapist for advice. They've presumably spent a significant amount of time getting to know you and your situation. They're trained professionals. Yet you'd let anonymous people on the internet override that advice, just because it's what you want to do?

And frankly, being in an intact but dysfunctional family isn't any more ideal than two separate homes with emotionally healthy parents, in my opinion. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveLonely

sarahkj2009 said:


> I always had issues with my in-laws, mainly dealing with lack of boundaries on their part. My husband was never able to make a break from his family. In many ways, he put his family's needs above the needs of his wife and children. I had access to his email and Verizon accounts so I read so many hurtful messages and emails between his mother and him. She was actually the person that got him the attorney and really guided him with regard to trying to remove my parental rights. Now he wants to come home and wants me to accept a new life where he and I are a family, but he is allowed to bring the kids to family parties and to his parents house without me.



There is no way that I can give any meaningful advice without knowing all of the countless complexities of your situation. I CAN however speak to what has been quoted above.

No matter what the reasons, how good or bad they are, he probably feels justified in the above. I don't care if he is even 100% right and you are 100% wrong. Even THEN, what you stated above is not appropriate behavior on his part.

If this relationship is going to work, he is CERTAINLY going to have to follow by the following rules (and you too):

Never complain to your family members or friends about your relationship problems. Don't do it. Instead, you talk to your partner. By not following this rule, you are violating trust that is paramount. You are disrespecting your significant other. The only time someone else should be involved is when there has been REPEATED attempts at communication, the communication isn't working, and one is considering leaving the relationship. Even in that situation, there is a HUGE subjective area about what is appropriate and what is not. 

Even BEFORE you had problems, he has created problems by not following this rule. Now he has a mess to clean up. If he wants to be with you, then think about it: at a minimum, it means he loves you, has some sympathy and understanding for whatever problems you may be having, etc. I may not like everything my significant other does. But I know we love each other. She may even do something wrong. But I can talk to her and try to understand the reasoning behind the actions. But if I complain to a parent, a friend, a co-worker, another family member, I am only giving that person one side of the story. I am robbing the other person of their privacy, dignity, and respect. Also, although perhaps unintentional, by telling someone all the bad things that frustrate me, I am essentially telling LIES about my significant other, because the listener only hears the bad things and MY frustrations without considering that there is a human being on the other side of the coin. 

He may not fully realize it, but what he is doing is not being able to come to terms with the rift that HE created (even if he WAS 100% right in his complains, and I am not saying he was). He created this rift BEFORE there were problems by not respecting appropriate boundaries. Now, you have in-laws that have a very unfair view of you. You have been robbed of the right to be seen as a human being with another side to the story. 

If your relationship is going to work, he is going to have to fix this. After all, he is willing to come to you and spend the rest of his life with you. He has a moral obligation to now get his parents to understand exactly what he claims to understand, and undo all the damage he has done. Sure he is upset because you did, X, Y, and Z. But, whether he fully realizes it or not, by wanting to come back, he is saying that he can be sympathetic that you did X, Y, and Z, and that you are a good loving person whom he respects, admires, and understands. He is willing to work on all of these things because he knows there were no bad intentions. His parents need to be brought up to speed. He has to get his parents to feel the way he feels. He has a difficult job, because their feelings have been one sided for far too long.

He needs to read this.


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## sarahkj2009

PBear said:


> I understand that. But you're paying your therapist for advice. They've presumably spent a significant amount of time getting to know you and your situation. They're trained professionals. Yet you'd let anonymous people on the internet override that advice, just because it's what you want to do?
> 
> And frankly, being in an intact but dysfunctional family isn't any more ideal than two separate homes with emotionally healthy parents, in my opinion.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarahkj2009

Hi. I'm not looking to over ride my therapist, just looking for other opinions/advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarahkj2009

LoveLonely said:


> There is no way that I can give any meaningful advice without knowing all of the countless complexities of your situation. I CAN however speak to what has been quoted above.
> 
> No matter what the reasons, how good or bad they are, he probably feels justified in the above. I don't care if he is even 100% right and you are 100% wrong. Even THEN, what you stated above is not appropriate behavior on his part.
> 
> If this relationship is going to work, he is CERTAINLY going to have to follow by the following rules (and you too):
> 
> Never complain to your family members or friends about your relationship problems. Don't do it. Instead, you talk to your partner. By not following this rule, you are violating trust that is paramount. You are disrespecting your significant other. The only time someone else should be involved is when there has been REPEATED attempts at communication, the communication isn't working, and one is considering leaving the relationship. Even in that situation, there is a HUGE subjective area about what is appropriate and what is not.
> 
> Even BEFORE you had problems, he has created problems by not following this rule. Now he has a mess to clean up. If he wants to be with you, then think about it: at a minimum, it means he loves you, has some sympathy and understanding for whatever problems you may be having, etc. I may not like everything my significant other does. But I know we love each other. She may even do something wrong. But I can talk to her and try to understand the reasoning behind the actions. But if I complain to a parent, a friend, a co-worker, another family member, I am only giving that person one side of the story. I am robbing the other person of their privacy, dignity, and respect. Also, although perhaps unintentional, by telling someone all the bad things that frustrate me, I am essentially telling LIES about my significant other, because the listener only hears the bad things and MY frustrations without considering that there is a human being on the other side of the coin.
> 
> He may not fully realize it, but what he is doing is not being able to come to terms with the rift that HE created (even if he WAS 100% right in his complains, and I am not saying he was). He created this rift BEFORE there were problems by not respecting appropriate boundaries. Now, you have in-laws that have a very unfair view of you. You have been robbed of the right to be seen as a human being with another side to the story.
> 
> If your relationship is going to work, he is going to have to fix this. After all, he is willing to come to you and spend the rest of his life with you. He has a moral obligation to now get his parents to understand exactly what he claims to understand, and undo all the damage he has done. Sure he is upset because you did, X, Y, and Z. But, whether he fully realizes it or not, by wanting to come back, he is saying that he can be sympathetic that you did X, Y, and Z, and that you are a good loving person whom he respects, admires, and understands. He is willing to work on all of these things because he knows there were no bad intentions. His parents need to be brought up to speed. He has to get his parents to feel the way he feels. He has a difficult job, because their feelings have been one sided for far too long.
> 
> He needs to read this.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarahkj2009

LoveLonely said:


> There is no way that I can give any meaningful advice without knowing all of the countless complexities of your situation. I CAN however speak to what has been quoted above.
> 
> No matter what the reasons, how good or bad they are, he probably feels justified in the above. I don't care if he is even 100% right and you are 100% wrong. Even THEN, what you stated above is not appropriate behavior on his part.
> 
> If this relationship is going to work, he is CERTAINLY going to have to follow by the following rules (and you too):
> 
> Never complain to your family members or friends about your relationship problems. Don't do it. Instead, you talk to your partner. By not following this rule, you are violating trust that is paramount. You are disrespecting your significant other. The only time someone else should be involved is when there has been REPEATED attempts at communication, the communication isn't working, and one is considering leaving the relationship. Even in that situation, there is a HUGE subjective area about what is appropriate and what is not.
> 
> Even BEFORE you had problems, he has created problems by not following this rule. Now he has a mess to clean up. If he wants to be with you, then think about it: at a minimum, it means he loves you, has some sympathy and understanding for whatever problems you may be having, etc. I may not like everything my significant other does. But I know we love each other. She may even do something wrong. But I can talk to her and try to understand the reasoning behind the actions. But if I complain to a parent, a friend, a co-worker, another family member, I am only giving that person one side of the story. I am robbing the other person of their privacy, dignity, and respect. Also, although perhaps unintentional, by telling someone all the bad things that frustrate me, I am essentially telling LIES about my significant other, because the listener only hears the bad things and MY frustrations without considering that there is a human being on the other side of the coin.
> 
> He may not fully realize it, but what he is doing is not being able to come to terms with the rift that HE created (even if he WAS 100% right in his complains, and I am not saying he was). He created this rift BEFORE there were problems by not respecting appropriate boundaries. Now, you have in-laws that have a very unfair view of you. You have been robbed of the right to be seen as a human being with another side to the story.
> 
> If your relationship is going to work, he is going to have to fix this. After all, he is willing to come to you and spend the rest of his life with you. He has a moral obligation to now get his parents to understand exactly what he claims to understand, and undo all the damage he has done. Sure he is upset because you did, X, Y, and Z. But, whether he fully realizes it or not, by wanting to come back, he is saying that he can be sympathetic that you did X, Y, and Z, and that you are a good loving person whom he respects, admires, and understands. He is willing to work on all of these things because he knows there were no bad intentions. His parents need to be brought up to speed. He has to get his parents to feel the way he feels. He has a difficult job, because their feelings have been one sided for far too long.
> 
> He needs to read this.


Thanks. He is unwilling to discuss his role in this. All he says is that he pursued legal action to protect the kids. He admitted early on to my therapist (who testified under oath) that he never believed I was a danger to the kids. I've been a stay at home mom, I love my kids more than I could even describe here. According to emails and texts, he was very much influenced to act the way he did by his family. I could understand taking a break after what happened but to engage an attorney and have me sign a document while I was under duress and medicated, I cannot understand. It's complicated because my MIL has been unbelievably cruel to me and its as if she used my actions as an opportunity. In fact, she continues to make trouble by saying she will not support a reconciliation. My husband has an intensely close relationship with his mom. My parents have said they are skeptical. However, they will accept whatever decision I make. This is because I have healthy boundaries with them. I am grown and they accept this. My MIL has flat out said I am not welcome in her home. I have read texts where she talked about buttering his bread and making him lunch to take to work. And what does my husband say about this? He says it's my fault she feels this way. He continues to take the side of his family. For too long, I have felt his mother was part of my marriage. This was our only problem while married - his family and the way they treated me and our children. He views his family as perfect. For a man that practices Catholicism like I do, he was never able to understand "leave and cleave."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

So based on what you've said, why do you think it's a good idea to get back together with your husband? You be back to the same issues in no time. The kids will go through another trip on the emotional roller coaster of the family being back together and then being split up again. You'll have lost any leverage of trying to get him to change. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarahkj2009

PBear said:


> So based on what you've said, why do you think it's a good idea to get back together with your husband? You be back to the same issues in no time. The kids will go through another trip on the emotional roller coaster of the family being back together and then being split up again. You'll have lost any leverage of trying to get him to change.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I never said it was a good idea. It's an idea. In all honesty, there is a lot of love. He watched me give birth naturally to two boys. There is an intense connection. A life really. A lot of love. And a lot of good memories.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarahkj2009

PBear said:


> So based on what you've said, why do you think it's a good idea to get back together with your husband? You be back to the same issues in no time. The kids will go through another trip on the emotional roller coaster of the family being back together and then being split up again. You'll have lost any leverage of trying to get him to change.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Talk to me about the leverage I have to make him change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

sarahkj2009 said:


> Talk to me about the leverage I have to make him change.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You tell him that you'll consider getting back together when he's demonstrated that he's changed his ways. That may mean counselling, demonstrating different behavior to you, whatever you want it to mean. It does NOT mean promises of change. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarahkj2009

PBear said:


> You tell him that you'll consider getting back together when he's demonstrated that he's changed his ways. That may mean counselling, demonstrating different behavior to you, whatever you want it to mean. It does NOT mean promises of change.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I want him to choose me over his mother. That's all I've ever wanted. I remember my first Mother's Day in 2009. I wanted to spend the day with him and our first born. He insisted on going to his parents's house for the ENTIRE day, not just a visit. I let him take our son and I stayed home miserable while he spent the day with HIS mother. I want to be number 1, so how do I break his drive to be with his family? It seems impossible. He wants to move back in but he wants me to agree to my being an outcast, which I always felt I was anyway. My thinking is if your wife is not welcome, he shouldn't want to be there. We come as a unit. End of story. Thx.!


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## Alpha

You're husband says that 90% of the changing has to come from you and doesn't blame himself for anything. So why does he want to get back to you?

You say that you are in a better place personally and professionally without him. Good for you. You now control the relationship (if you want one) because you know you can survive and live a good life without him. 

The decision to have him back is yours, and if you decide to take him back, then lay down the law. Tell him you won't tolerate any of his crap and that if he ever places his mother over you, he will be shown the curb.


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## sarahkj2009

Alpha said:


> You're husband says that 90% of the changing has to come from you and doesn't blame himself for anything. So why does he want to get back to you?
> 
> You say that you are in a better place personally and professionally without him. Good for you. You now control the relationship (if you want one) because you know you can survive and live a good life without him. His leaving made me stronger. I feel free. I feel independent. I feel like my actions in a way got rid of someone that was bringing me down. But I also took away an intact home with a mother and father for my sons.
> 
> The decision to have him back is yours, and if you decide to take him back, then lay down the law. Tell him you won't tolerate any of his crap and that if he ever places his mother over you, he will be shown the curb.


He wants back me because he believes I've gotten better. Truth is, I became stronger without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

sarahkj2009 said:


> I want him to choose me over his mother. That's all I've ever wanted. I remember my first Mother's Day in 2009. I wanted to spend the day with him and our first born. He insisted on going to his parents's house for the ENTIRE day, not just a visit. I let him take our son and I stayed home miserable while he spent the day with HIS mother. I want to be number 1, so how do I break his drive to be with his family? It seems impossible. He wants to move back in but he wants me to agree to my being an outcast, which I always felt I was anyway. My thinking is if your wife is not welcome, he shouldn't want to be there. We come as a unit. End of story. Thx.!


Then don't go back (or allow him back) until he's proven through his actions that you're his priority. Good luck with that... I don't see that happening, from what you describe.

C


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## PBear

sarahkj2009 said:


> He wants back me because he believes I've gotten better. Truth is, I became stronger without him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just because YOU'VE gotten better doesn't mean he has... And if he thinks all the fault was yours, he won't even try to get better.

C


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## cdbaker

Sarah, I understand that you want your kids to enjoy an intact home. That's noble, but do you believe it is possible under the current circumstances? I definitely have the feeling that the odds are greater that you might do more damage than good if you try to restore the home too quickly here.

First, you should carefully consider your therapists advice, as it sounds like good advice to me. Has your husband indicated why he wants to come home now? Would he be having the court orders legally thrown out? I can understand that spouses can do pretty heartless things to each other when issues like divorce/separation appear on the table, and healing from those take a lot of time, trust, self and mutual respect, and forgiveness. I'm not sure if most of those things have taken place this quickly.

Next, are you in the right state of mind for this? Whether you wanted to commit suicide or not, the fact that you cut your wrists is a HUGE red flag. That's such incredibly selfish, weak behavior. I don't say that to be mean, but hopefully to wake you up that you can't ever, EVER do anything like that again. That puts the pressure of the world on your kids, and can scar them for life EASILY. How much personal growth could you have possibly experienced in such a short time?

Next, you said that your husband feels that the problems in the marriage are 90% yours. I'm not saying that this is impossible, lord knows there are troubled marriages out there where one spouse is predominantly responsible for the issues, but I don't think I've ever seen one spouse owning 90%. That tells me that whatever his issues are, he hasn't faced them, addressed them or even acknowledged them. Further, he has no intention to do so either. So how will giving in to him on coming back home make that any better? It won't, it'll make him worse.

Lastly, him choosing his mother over you. This can't be a negotiation. It's great that he loves his mom, he should love and support his mom, but he has to choose his wife over his mother every single time. The Bible says that a man will leave his family and be joined with his wife, clearly indicating that the separation is real and absolutely a necessity. I've had to face this issue with my mother who for many years now has not liked my wife at all. My rule with her is that we wont' attend any event that my wife isn't invited to as well, I won't allow her to speak negatively about my wife in my presence (I get up and leave any situation in which she does this, or if it is my home/event, I insist that she leave). 

So... yeah I don't think it's a good idea at all for him to move back yet. If he really wants to come home, then lay out a case for why that isn't acceptable yet, and what kinds of things you still need to do to be prepared for that, and what kind of expectations you would have for him as well.


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## sarahkj2009

cdbaker said:


> Sarah, I understand that you want your kids to enjoy an intact home. That's noble, but do you believe it is possible under the current circumstances? I definitely have the feeling that the odds are greater that you might do more damage than good if you try to restore the home too quickly here.
> 
> First, you should carefully consider your therapists advice, as it sounds like good advice to me. Has your husband indicated why he wants to come home now? Would he be having the court orders legally thrown out? I can understand that spouses can do pretty heartless things to each other when issues like divorce/separation appear on the table, and healing from those take a lot of time, trust, self and mutual respect, and forgiveness. I'm not sure if most of those things have taken place this quickly.
> 
> Next, are you in the right state of mind for this? Whether you wanted to commit suicide or not, the fact that you cut your wrists is a HUGE red flag. That's such incredibly selfish, weak behavior. I don't say that to be mean, but hopefully to wake you up that you can't ever, EVER do anything like that again. That puts the pressure of the world on your kids, and can scar them for life EASILY. How much personal growth could you have possibly experienced in such a short time?
> 
> Next, you said that your husband feels that the problems in the marriage are 90% yours. I'm not saying that this is impossible, lord knows there are troubled marriages out there where one spouse is predominantly responsible for the issues, but I don't think I've ever seen one spouse owning 90%. That tells me that whatever his issues are, he hasn't faced them, addressed them or even acknowledged them. Further, he has no intention to do so either. So how will giving in to him on coming back home make that any better? It won't, it'll make him worse.
> 
> Lastly, him choosing his mother over you. This can't be a negotiation. It's great that he loves his mom, he should love and support his mom, but he has to choose his wife over his mother every single time. The Bible says that a man will leave his family and be joined with his wife, clearly indicating that the separation is real and absolutely a necessity. I've had to face this issue with my mother who for many years now has not liked my wife at all. My rule with her is that we wont' attend any event that my wife isn't invited to as well, I won't allow her to speak negatively about my wife in my presence (I get up and leave any situation in which she does this, or if it is my home/event, I insist that she leave).
> 
> So... yeah I don't think it's a good idea at all for him to move back yet. If he really wants to come home, then lay out a case for why that isn't acceptable yet, and what kinds of things you still need to do to be prepared for that, and what kind of expectations you would have for him as well.


In so many ways, I did lay it out for him. I said if his wife is not welcome somewhere he shouldn't want to be there. He has a dear male cousin whose wife felt disrespected and unwelcome. What did his cousin do? He disappeared, never to be seen at a family function again. I referenced this situation and he said she was the problem, that she imagined the disrespect. This is what I'm dealing with - a man who will say and do anything to be with his family instead of his 'family' if you know what I mean.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sidney2718

sarahkj2009 said:


> Maybe because I want my kids to enjoy an intact home.


Children are experts at picking up on tensions between parents. You will do them no good by getting back together with your husband.

Worse, from what you write it seems that you are to be a piece of furniture in a house dominated by his parents. This is unhealthy both for you and for your children.

My advice is sad, but don't take your husband back.


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## Stretch

From 50,00 feet it looks to me like you are both using your kids as an excuse to not take your relationship problems head-on.

That whole mother's day story looks to me like he does not give a crap about you, at all.

I would be careful that he is not trying to drive you to another episode so he can keep you from your kids.

Sorry,
Stretch


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