# Stupid emotions



## keymaster (May 22, 2015)

Sex is a frequent topic of arguments with my husband and I. 

First off, let me say that our relationship has been an emotional rollercoaster. My husband can be a very negative emotional person and it's draining. I am more of the look on the bright side and easy going person. 

That being said, there are many times in our relationship where I do not feel emotionally safe with my husband. Our communication with each other is very lacking and this, coupled with his negativity, leaves me feeling very distant and cautious around him. 

Which brings us to our biggest issue. I do not feel comfortable around him sexually probably at least 85% of the time. Not feeling emotionally connected and safe with him makes me not able to be feel passionate with him. So although we have sex fairly frequently (3-4 times/week at least), it's most often just sex for the sake of having sex. 

The flip side of this is that my husband can't allow himself to emotionally connect to me, and therefore allow me to feel safe and close to him, unless we are having frequent passionate sex. He needs to feel that I want him in order to be open to communicating and making me feel safe. 

I'm stuck. The strange thing too is that I am actually an extremely sexual person.I fantasize and masturbate often, so it's not a lack of sex drive. Just a lack of connection. We have talked about this until we're both blue in the face and it gets us no where. For a few days I'll feel close again because we're actually talking about it, but then my husband goes back into his negative role, and I withdraw. And of course it's always my fault when it comes to a head. 

It is to the point where we are actually talking about splitting up (his initiation) and I'm pregnant with our second child currently. I'm lost. Has anyone else dealt with this and have advice to offer me on how to deal with it on either end.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

keymaster said:


> Sex is a frequent topic of arguments with my husband and I.
> 
> First off, let me say that our relationship has been an emotional rollercoaster. My husband can be a very negative emotional person and it's draining. I am more of the look on the bright side and easy going person.
> 
> ...


You have a double whammy. Your H is emotionally constipated and is a pessimist. The only emotions he lets out are negative. That's really hard to live with.

He is going to have to get some good therapy with a male therapist that he feels comfortable with. That is the key!

BTDT, my H is improving on all fronts!


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Was he always this way? If so, why did you marry him?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Can you write him a message? Just tell him something like "Honey, I'd really like to feel connected to you tonight. Can you just hug me and hold me for a little while tonight, and let me tell you how comforting it is to be wrapped in your arms"... Or..... "Please hold my hand when we watch tv tonight? It lets me feel like you care about touching me more than just a sexual way. I miss that in us"


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## len51 (May 22, 2015)

After leaving our shared girlfriend behind after 40 years my wife and I could not connect sexually anymore. We were not used to just two in bed. I was determine to fix this so I talked to my wife which revealed a lot of things I was not aware of. Sometimes wives expect you just to know what they are feeling by their actions. Men are dumb. Just tell us.

I had some issues too that we aired. I started out by scheduling two date nights a week. They were mandatory no matter what. There did not have to be sex but at least lay in bed together. At first we just kissed and fondled as we spoke about what we wanted out of sex.

Long story short, our sex life was restored due to communicating. My wife is now having the best orgasms of her life. You have to get your husband to listen and talk. Give him a chance to be the man you want him to be but you really need to tell him what you expect from him.

P.S. During sex your body releases Oxytocin, a hormone that emotionally bonds a couple together. It is the same one that makes you want to cuddle. Lasts longer in women than men. That is why sex is often referred to as making love. When you stop having sex you are not emotionally bonding which makes you not want to have sex but sex is the way to emotional bond and it is a vicious cycle. Try scheduling sex nights that are a combination of communicating and sex. Soon you will see a big improvement in your sex life assuming that your husband is willing to to work at it. Good Luck.


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