# What has been your Experience with 180/No Contact?



## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Has anyone had success they can share or had it backfire? I would be interested in hearing some stories. I'm trying to decide if this is the best route to take.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

What are you hoping to get out of it?


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

bobert said:


> What are you hoping to get out of it?


Two fold really. First and foremost, so I can begin healing and moving on. Second, to give my DW space and time to think.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

My experience with the 180...
I tried it,
My ex-wife moved out,
We got divorced.

It worked perfectly.

I haven't read your story, but don't go into it with the expectation that it will change her behavior. Go into it with the expectation that it will help you to survive.

It's _possible_ that it will wake your wife up, but don't focus on that.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Do not do it to give her space. If she's wanting space, its to see other people. The 180 has NOTHING to do with her.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Dadto2 said:


> Two fold really. First and foremost, so I can begin healing and moving on. Second, to give my DW space and time to think.


What does she need time and space to think about? 

The 180 has one purpose, to allow you to detach from the person, and be better able to move on with your life. That is it, that is all that it does and that is what it is for. 

Anything else that happens, because or around the 180, is just a result of you doing what you should be doing in the first place. 

It sounds like you are "hoping" that your wife will want to be with you again? If so, just stop it. 

If she is done with you she is done, have the self respect to move on and start a new life. If you are pining for her, stop it, move on with your life.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Our situation is a little unusual. I don't want to go into detail since my DW may also be on the site. I was just curious about other people's experience with the 180.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Dadto2 said:


> Our situation is a little unusual. I don't want to go into detail since my DW may also be on the site. I was just curious about other people's experience with the 180.


First, Ok, but just know that EVERYONE thinks their situation is special, unique, or some other adverb. 

While they are your individual marriage, they are seldom unique. 

If you understand what the 180 is for, and you do it, it works great. Every single time...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The less you say to someone, the less regret you'll have in terms of disclosing stuff you didn't have to and doesn't do you any favors. Just watch the movie Kramer vs Kramer from 1980.

so that's one advantage.

Also be careful of friends, yours, hers, both of yours. they may be playing informer for her.

Flying monkeys, they are called.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It works well — as long as you use it just to help you and not to get your wife to change her mind.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Dadto2

Here's my experience: what I was doing before was not working. It lead to a broken marriage and cheating. So why would I continue doing "what I was doing before" and expect a different outcome? If "what I was doing" was not working, then maybe trying the exact opposite WOULD work. Making a 180 degree turn and doing the opposite of what felt comfortable or natural was "the 180" (linked in my signature), and doing it for my own good rather than for the good of marriage was even moreso the opposite of what I was doing before.

So before I started the 180, the two of us were dysfunctional, co-dependent, and he cheated and would not stop. I tried the unsuccessful begging and guilting, but none of that worked. I'd cry and beg for love, he'd make hollow promises and never follow through, I'd be heartbroken...and that pattern repeated over and over and over. When I found the 180 and began reading about co-dependency, something clicked in that I came to realize that the two of us were WAY too entangled and attached to each other. It was as if I not only "leaned" on him, but everything about Me was tangled up and kind of strangled by Him. So I started the 180--doing a complete U-turn--doing the OPPOSITE of what I had done in the past, what felt comfortable, or what felt natural.

What I began to learn as I did "the opposite" is that I felt comfortable with abuse (because I had grown up with abuse as a child). I began to learn that treating someone critically felt natural because I had been so criticized. I began to learn that I was a people pleaser and got my esteem in an unhealthy way by "making people love me." So as you can see, I began to mature and grow as a person just by letting myself step outside my comfort zone and stretch beyond what felt "natural."

Let's review just the first 10 items of the 180:

*1.* Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.--I came to learn that I was pleading with someone to give me crumbs of love...the leftovers. And I began to think, instead, that I deserve the whole feast, not just the crumbs. I am worth someone who will present me, of their own accord, their entire feast of Love.

*2.* No frequent phone calls.--I came to learn that all that constant contact was my way of soothing myself looking for reassurance I was loveable. Unfortunately, I was looking for love in all the wrong places! I was going "to the enemy" (or if you prefer, to someone who did not have MY best interests in mind), and asking the person who was hurting me to help me heal! Silly. I needed to learn to soothe myself.

*3*. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.--I came to learn that I was wearing rose colored glasses and that gave me an unrealistic view of the marriage and the family. I'm not saying there weren't good points--there were! But I was so busy focusing on those good points, that I did not allow myself to also see the bad points that legitimately and rightly should have been unacceptable to me. I had an illusion and I didn't want anything that didn't support that illusion.

*4*. Don’t follow her/him around the house.--I came to learn, I'm not a puppy! I don't need to follow someone around begging for crumbs of Love (see #1 above). I am actually a completely unique, priceless treasure exactly as I am--even with all my flaws--and if someone doesn't see my value and worth, chasing them around won't change that view! Pushing yourself on someone does not result in them valuing you.

*5.* Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.--I came to learn that my discomfort did not mean that he was uncomfortable. In fact, since he wanted to continue his cheating ways, he was actually a lot more comfortable being apart and leaving the marriage because he as free to do what he wanted to do! I was the one who wanted the hurting to end and wanted things to "get back to the way they were" and guess what? It will never be the way it was. So I had to accept that and begin to decide for myself, on my own, what MY future would look like.

*6.* Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.--Oh this is a hard one. I had hoped that by telling his family, they would say to him something like: "Are you crazy? You're married! Get back to your wife and family and work on your marriage! Cheating is not cool! Stop it!" Right? But no. They didn't want to get into the middle of it, or if they did, their opinion was that he was their brother/son and they'd love him no matter how he acted.

*7.* Don’t ask for reassurances.--I came to realize I was asking the person who was hurting me to help me heal! Silly. I needed to learn to soothe myself. (See #2 above) I came to learn that I had to reassure myself and that in order to do that, I needed to value myself and see myself as a person of worth.

*8.* Don’t buy or give gifts.--It's not a pretty truth but some people do try to "buy" their way back into a person's heart. I personally don't usually do that, but I do often "do special things" for someone or "craft/make something" for someone, make a favorite meal, etc. But again that ties into trying to buy their love. To be blunt, it's kind of like an unspoken equation: IF I do these special things-->THEN you like it and are happy-->And THEN you love me! I had to learn to stop trying to EARN love and realize that Real Love is recognizing someone's worth. I didn't have to buy someone off--I had to be me.

*9.* Don’t schedule dates together.--See #8 above! I came to learn that if you spent the last X number of years ignoring someone and being a jerk, that suddenly doing a few dates now is just "too little, too late." Right now the truth is that person is hurt and angry and DOES NOT want to "date" someone who has hurt them. So for me, part of the detachment was learning to be a person who someone would want to date. I had to learn to be funny, interesting, sexy, kind, etc. -and- have that be ingrained in "the person I am" rather than being a fake person just to get love.

*10.* Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.--This is kind of self explanatory. If someone is treating you in an unlovely way, it is much more reasonable to say "Well honestly you aren't being very loving toward me nor acting in a loveable way. So actually, no, at the moment I don't feel all 'in-love' with you." I came to realize here that it is okay and even reasonable to expect someone to honor their promise and to expect someone to treat me in a loving way (not like "entitled expectation" but more like "the standard to which I hold both of us is to honor our commitments"). Conversely, it is unreasonable to tell someone who is treating you in an unloving way "Oh I love you" It shows much more self-respect to say "No you aren't treating me with respect AT ALL so at the moment, I am not loving this."


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Works if you do it to detach, not sure what you hope to achieve though. 

For me once I was firm it allowed me to think clearer and more focused on MY Life without her, the mental relief you get once you can detach is huge.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

MovingForward said:


> Works if you do it to detach, not sure what you hope to achieve though.
> 
> For me once I was firm it allowed me to think clearer and more focused on MY Life without her, the mental relief you get once you can detach is huge.


Your second paragraph is exactly what I want. I have officially detached and am focusing on me and my kids (by first marriage).


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Affaircare said:


> What I began to learn as I did "the opposite" is that I felt comfortable with abuse (because I had grown up with abuse as a child). I began to learn that treating someone critically felt natural because I had been so criticized. I began to learn that I was a people-pleaser and got my esteem in an unhealthy way by "making people love me." So as you can see, I began to mature and grow as a person just by letting myself step outside my comfort zone and stretch beyond what felt "natural."


@Affaircare, in your case, you had a legitimate complaint - he was cheating - and yet you were also able to see your part in the picture - as in the quote above. Even in different cases, when neither party is clearly "at fault", that close "entanglement" and "strangulation" that you describe is disastrous. 



Affaircare said:


> *3*. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.


Yes, this is one of the key signs. I'll ask a couple to describe a recent argument, and the codependent type will keep trying to escape from that, saying "_...but we got over it pretty quickly, the next day we were fine_" and so on, they constantly want to avoid looking at the problem. They want to keep "_positive", _ which just makes their partner think they don't get it and there's no hope. I often compare it to: you're boarding a plane, and you see some fluid dripping out of one of the engines, and the pilot says "_dont worry, I'm sure it's fine_". That's not reassuring. Acknowledge the problems. 



Affaircare said:


> *6.* Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.--Oh this is a hard one. I had hoped that by telling his family, they would say to him something like: "Are you crazy? You're married! Get back to your wife and family and work on your marriage! Cheating is not cool! Stop it!" Right? But no.


Yeah, another bad sign, trying to get someone else to do your difficult talking for you.


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