# so many lies!! help me



## pjsmith (Feb 3, 2014)

so I been married for almost 2 years now, I am in the military, and my wife moved up here when we got married. at first everything was great.

to begin with, I was on her facebook the one day and noticed a message from her ex.they were having a very intimate conversation on it. saying how they missed eachother and how they think about each other all the time, etc. they were talking to each other on the phone also

I confronted her about it and we got into a fight and she said she would block him andnot talk to him every again and she promised that.

I went through her phone again a couple days later and of course she was back to talking to him and disrespected my request.

then later on she said shell stop, and she is sorry, blah blah, blah, I forgave her. 

then she moved back home to go to school. 

a couple months later, this happened again! and she had pics of him on here phone! and she said it was by accident and that she must of "saved them byaccident" for facebook! I lost it and told her I don't trust her at all. she said sorry, and all that crap again. 

I asked her to move back and she said no, she is happy back home and that I should be happy for her bc she is happy, but I told her that I hate being apart from her.
she blocked me from facebook, and all of my family. she told me originally that she deleted but I found out she didn't, she just blocked me and everyone I know!

our relationship aint the same I feel like we grew apart and we just talk to each other bc we have to.

And now I came to find out by my own investigation that she was married previously before andgot a divorce and never told me about it! I am furious!!!!

all I am asking is some advice of what I should do! I need help desperately!


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Do you have children with her?


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Your wife is flying more red flags than a May Day parade in Moscow. I can't remember, but did you say you two have kids? If not, what's keeping you together, habit?  For your own peace of mind, permanent separation might work wonders. Let your wife go on and live her life, and you find happiness with someone who'll love and respect you. You deserve *much* better!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Didn't see any mention of kids in the picture; if there aren't any then GTFO. Run, don't walk, RUN. She is absolutely (physically) cheating on you.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

This is a start, (quoted: http://www.network54.com/Forum/233195/thread/1302875291/last-1302891381/The+180) 

"""""""" So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing."""""""




There was a good thread which covered 'no contact' letters and a whole bunch of other useful stuff, but this is a stopgap till another poster can come in and point the way.

She's definitely not going to change her behaviour if you carry on with how things are though, that's the first thing to realise.


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## DiamondsandRust (Jan 21, 2014)

If no children, I say run fast and run quick. liquidate your stuff and put the money somewhere safe.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

One thing jumped out at me: she said that you SHOULD be happy FOR HER because SHE is happy...

FOR HER
FOR HER
FOR HER...

In other words, SHE comes first and to hell with you!

She is way too selfish and entitled to be a wife. 

She moved back home? I know it's the military, but did her family tell her that her place is with her H, or did she TELL MORE LIES so that home became her refuge?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

File for D. She is playing you big time. You know it.

Go see an attorney.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Tell her that she either moves back in with you and goes to school near you or you divorce her.

She'll choose the divorce option most likely.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Your marriage is based on a lie. She should have told you that she was married once before and now this thing with the old BF and blocking you and your family on FB should tell you that this is not a trustworthy woman. 

She has disrespected your from the get go and will continue to do so because she's a selfish, self centered woman.

Do yourself a favor and file for divorce and secure your money because you might find yourself broke real soon.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I think a divorce is in order.

She isn't capable of fidelity.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

She lied
she is cheating
she is fooling you
she has no respect
she is happy without you

why the f. Are you waiting to file?????????????


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

This early in the marriage you should be in a honeymoon period; but instead, your wife had revealed to you who she is. A liar, a deceiver, and a cheater. In that regard, she's done you a favor.

There's a reason she doesn't want to move back with you and has blocked you on FB; and that reason is so that she can cheat all she wants without you looking over her shoulder. In the mean time; to her, you're her plan B back-up.

I hope you don't have children. But even if you do, you can't divorce her fast enough.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

pjsmith said:


> our relationship aint the same I feel like we grew apart and we just talk to each other bc we have to.


Aw, no joke. PJ, by all accounts your marriage is history. The 180 to help you is fine. The 180 to save your marriage well, why would you even want that. The chick has hooked back up with her ex. The gal has apparently decided after 2 years, married to you is not what she's cut out for. Believe me Dawg, if you file for divorce, she ain't gonna be that brokenhearted. If you don't file, ultimately she will.
You don't really want to be saddled to someone who doesn't want to be with you my man. At least I hope not. It would be a crappy way to live.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

pjsmith,
you have control of your own actions but not that of others. She's in marital default so to speak. Not living up to her promises. While you can't force her to be better, you can choose not to accept it.

You have to set the expectations and then let her choose to step up or step out. You put your life at risk for others so don't give anyone the power to act like you don't matter.


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