# Am i being selfish??



## DiamondGirl (Feb 1, 2009)

Hey everyone...Well heres my story,

I have been married for 5 years, with 2 kids, 4D and 1S. Ive been secretly thinking over the years about separating or worst case scenerio divorce. Reasons being, I feel like my husband and I are two completely opposite people who are not compatible, we barely have anything in common with different beliefs and values. My problem is that hes just so unmotivated! We got married at 20 yrs old, so its been tough, especially for our finances. Were both working, I go to school, we make about the same income, but its not enough. On his days off he sits there like a loser and plays video games most the day. Weve talked several times about his laziness and hes always says he will do something about it, and he just keeps procrastinating, and never gets anything done. Also he has a problem of always lying to me. Hes just always has to lie, even about little things, which is slowly taking away my trust. As for the kids, hes not that great of a father either. He does what he has to do. 
As for intimacy, Its almost gone for me. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable when he touches me, and I just have sex with him just so he would leave me alone already.

I have had many heart to heart talks with him about all the issues of why I was unhappy and he says he will try harder to be a man blah blah blah, and it will be great for the next couple of days, and my hope for our marriage will be restored then everything will go out the window again. I told him I wanted to go to a counselor, but he doesnt want to, he thinks we have great marriage and plus we cant really afford it right now.

Sometimes I feel like he wasnt ready to be a husband, a father, or to have a family to take care of, like we both just kinda rushed into it because we were having a child togther.
I just feel like I am just staying with him because of the kids, I dont want to break up the family. Honestly speaking I would have broken up with him years ago if we didnt have our children. I want to make this work but I dont want to be miserable and unhappy for the rest of my life. 

Am I just being selfish??

Any advice? 

Thank you for reading.


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## bestofluck (Jun 7, 2010)

I loved your courage as a mother. You have said it all........because of the kids you dont want to separate. You need a counsellor at this cruacial time. Go on your knees and ask God to change situation because of your kids. Prayer changes situation. I believe in Prayer and I know what Prayer can do. Please check this article out.peace in our marriage: Marriage Problem - is Divorce the Best Option?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get him this book:
Relationship Book, Self Help Relationship Book For a Man, Best Manual for Men

Tell him that if he doesn't change, you will be considering divorce, and he'll have to be splitting what he does make in half because he'll be paying child support. Give him the book, and ask him to read it. Tell him that if he doesn't read it, you will consider it his acknowledgment that he wants to split up.

The main issue I see right off is that you complain, and he expects it; that's what girls do, so he ignores you; that's what guys do. That's his world. So you have to do something different. 

Aside from the book, I would look him in the eyes and say 'give me a number of hours each day you will be on the computer.' MAKE him give you a definite answer. You're not being specific enough. He just ignores you because there are no consequences except for nagging, and he can tune that out. 

Get a specific number from him and let him know that YOU will turn off or unplug the game if he goes over it, if he can't do it himself. Make sure he acknowledges you saying this. Then do it. You're half owner of that home; you have half of the decision-making rights, so YOUR half says it will only be turned on for X hours.


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## DiamondGirl (Feb 1, 2009)

Thank u guys I really appreciate ur advice.

Bestofluck: Thanks for that link and I am seriously considering counseling. Do u have experience with counseling in ur marriage??


Turnera:
Actually my H and I talked before and he told me that his pet peeve was complaining wives, so I never complain or nag. I always use positive encouragement, and I never repeat myself more than once. Im more of an introvert and I tend to keep my feelings bottled up and Ive been doing so over the years and I cant do it anymore. As for the game, I understand thats what guys do, I used to play video games too, and all that I ask from him is to let me know when hes gonna be on the ps3 so that way we can do what needs to be done first as far as our repsonsiblilities to the kids, and the house is done. I think I have been very specific with him. Weve even sat down togther and wrote out a game plan.
Thanks for ur advice, I willl get that book. My H is so stubborn and doesnt believe in reading. I dont even know how he graduated high school but he refuses to read. He will only read if we read together as a couple and weve read "The five love languages" together before, and like I said everything will be perfect for a little while, then he would lose his motivation and jsut forget about everything.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, it's a VERY easy book to read; I'm talking 8th grade level. He could probably read it in an hour. In fact, I recommend you turn the tv off and read it together.

What you are doing is not working. He abuses the fact that he 'warned' you not to nag, so you don't. So now he gets to keep being a kid while you're his new mom.

Time to stop being his mom.

Give him a list of what YOU think his responsibilities should be. Ask him to tell you which ones he is willing to take on. Ask him to WRITE on the list which days he will be doing each one.

It's time to stop being the 'nice' guy and become the equal partner, ok?

He loses motivation because you LET him. BTDT. This is one thing you are going to have to put your foot down about.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please tell him you are beginning to dislike his touch, and that you are having thoughts of divorce. He has no idea that you are reaching this point unless you actually tell him. If you are already feeling some revulsion at his touch, then things are pretty bad. Do it; you have nothing to lose. 

It sounds like you are really "alone" in the marriage, more of his mom than his wife! You do so much, and he does so little. That's such a common complaint. I'm sure it works both ways, so I'm not trying to imply that only one sex or the other ends up doing all the work. I'm just commenting on how so many people have trouble balancing the realities of family life.


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