# Marriage and Masterbation



## Ttfmm (Dec 20, 2016)

How normal is it for married men to masterbate to a mental image of someone they know or are acquainted with?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I am a woman but from what I have read it is very much 'normal'. Just be aware it is also a fairly typical fantasy of a woman too. 

I like these books about male and female fantasies. They are a bit dated but basically investigates what is 'normal' - turns out we are all likely to be a bit 'deviant' when it comes to masturbation and fantasy. 

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Men-Love-N...8&qid=1482272204&sr=8-3&keywords=nancy+friday

https://www.amazon.co.uk/My-Secret-...8&qid=1482272246&sr=8-1&keywords=nancy+friday


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

No idea what normal is. I don't think I've ever done this. Probably the closest for me if maybe seeing someone on the street and later looking up similar porn (I.e. Blond milf after visiting the bank). But just imagining someone I know? Like a friend? No.


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## Ttfmm (Dec 20, 2016)

To make a long story short this topic is looking like it is going to end my Marriage of over 10 years. It's not a norm for me porn is the normal go to and even thinking of my wife. However this popped out a couple months ago during an argument and it has been downhill since. She cannot stand this and feels now like she's not number one anymore. I really don't know what to do she tried to get over it but now says she wants a divorce.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

All men masturbate. What they think about while they do it varies.

If a married guy is thinking about someone he interacts with regularly who isn't his wife, I'd say there's at least the beginnings of a problem. He should try to steer his thoughts towards someone less 'available', so that they don't spill over into non-masturbatory fantasies. Ideally, he should be thinking about his wife.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> No idea what normal is. I don't think I've ever done this. Probably the closest for me if maybe seeing someone on the street and later looking up similar porn *(I.e. Blond milf after visiting the bank)*. But just imagining someone I know? Like a friend? No.


lol you didn't have to give an example.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Honestly, any woman who tries to make her husband never masturbate deserves to end up alone. It simply isn't realistic. What she needs to do is learn how to help you along, not shame you into taking it into hiding.

Is she religiously oppressed from childhood or something?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

EunuchMonk said:


> lol you didn't have to give an example.




Too close to home? Haha


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## Ttfmm (Dec 20, 2016)

No it is the real people part that bothers her. She knew I did it to porn and even gave me some playful crap about it. It's that she now knows I got off thinking of someone she knows.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

well, that's why. she sees that you are attracted to someone else besides her who is also close at hand! how's she find out anyway?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo.../201411/why-we-fantasize-about-other-partners

Why not share these with your wife and talk to her about it. I don't think it is a divorce worthy problem tbh. A bit uncomfortable at worst for me.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So reassure her that it isn't something you're doing any more and that you know how badly you've hurt her.

If she can't get over it, and you're being honest with her about it and truly stopping, then there must be deeper issues at play.


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## Ttfmm (Dec 20, 2016)

I've tried to re assure and I have stopped doing this because it didn't really have any meaning to me. I told her I would never do it again and she seems ok then all the sudden not ok. I just want my wife back and she is drifting further and further away from me.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Ttfmm said:


> To make a long story short this topic is looking like it is going to end my Marriage of over 10 years. It's not a norm for me porn is the normal go to and even thinking of my wife. However this popped out a couple months ago during an argument and it has been downhill since. She cannot stand this and feels now like she's not number one anymore. I really don't know what to do she tried to get over it but now says she wants a divorce.


Who's the lady? A friend or a co-worker? 

Porn, celebrities, hot lady etc all fine but if it's someone you interact with and could potentially be with, yeah I would probably have the same feelings as your wife. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ttfmm said:


> I've tried to re assure and I have stopped doing this because it didn't really have any meaning to me. I told her I would never do it again and she seems ok then all the sudden not ok. I just want my wife back and she is drifting further and further away from me.


So find out what else is going on. Suggest marriage counseling. There's another reason she won't forgive you here.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Do I ever think about specific women I know when I masturbate: Yes

Do I say that to my wife: No. She would never ask. 

She doesn't tell me that I'm not as hot Richard Armitage. I would never ask.


As far as I'm concerned though, if my wife did let something like that slip out, I'd certainly let it go. She should do the same for you.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

MrsAldi said:


> Who's the lady? A friend or a co-worker?
> 
> Porn, celebrities, hot lady etc all fine but if it's someone you interact with and could potentially be with, yeah I would probably have the same feelings as your wife.
> 
> Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


I agree with this. Your wife's anger will be triggered every time she comes in contact with or sees the star of your spank bank out and about. That's probably why everything seems okay and then she's not. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This is the scientifically proven best way to masturbate.Sit on your hand for about thirty minutes or until it goes numb.Then do it.

And it feels like someone else.


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## Ttfmm (Dec 20, 2016)

I've tried talking about counseling but she said she just wants it to be done. We have kids too I just feel like our lives are being ripped apart for my meaningless stupidity.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Check your phone bill.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

^this



Andy1001 said:


> This is the scientifically proven best way to masturbate.Sit on your hand for about thirty minutes or until it goes numb.Then do it.
> 
> And it feels like someone else.


have you tried it?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ttfmm said:


> I've tried talking about counseling but she said she just wants it to be done. We have kids too I just feel like our lives are being ripped apart for my meaningless stupidity.


Well if she is really willing to end your marriage for something so trivial then head her off and do it yourself. Have papers drawn up and present them to her.

It would be nice to know the truth and for her to actually do something here to work things out but you can't force her to.

Maybe there's another guy in the picture and THAT is what's really going on.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Ttfmm said:


> How normal is it for married men to masterbate to a mental image of someone they know or are acquainted with?


Very normal.

It's abnormal for him to share those thoughts with his significant other unless he's got a death wish.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Ttfmm said:


> I've tried talking about counseling but she said she just wants it to be done. We have kids too I just feel like our lives are being ripped apart for my meaningless stupidity.


You've been asked several times. ...WHO is this woman you were masturbating to? Be truthful. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This seems an extreme over-reaction if you were just imagining the other woman

If there was some contact with the woman, sexting or similar, that would be different. 

Is there anything else to this story? If not then you are best off walking away from the crazy person.




Ttfmm said:


> I've tried talking about counseling but she said she just wants it to be done. We have kids too I just feel like our lives are being ripped apart for my meaningless stupidity.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*As long as I'm "getting it" from my marital partner on a fairly regular basis, I really have no real need to fantasize and/or masturbate in private! And I really feel that the very same thing could be implied about her!

That being said, these inherent problems tend to arise primarily when either partner, willingly or unknowingly, shuts the other spouses "sexual water" off! It is such neglect that makes one or both partners start fantasizing and either start looking for porn on the internet, or covertly looking for meet ups or old flames, leading to what they hope will lead to sexual activity with friends, old or new acquaintances, or even total strangers, as a needed replacement for their now jaded sexual routine!*


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It doesn't sound like she asked, it sounds like it came out in an argument? I don't see anything wrong with fantasies during sex or when we're alone, but if my fiance was getting off to thoughts of the bank teller up the road or one of my friends...um, that might be bad. lol 

I think that if your wife wants to end the marriage over this, there is probably more to the story that we don't know about. Or that you don't know about.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Lila said:


> You've been asked several times. ...WHO is this woman you were masturbating to? Be truthful.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk



^^^^ This. 

OP, exactly what was said, why, and who is very relevant and will influence the advice we give you. 

Let's hear the details. But let's hope it is not her sister or her BFF.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Or daughter.....



blueinbr said:


> ^^^^ This.
> 
> OP, exactly what was said, why, and who is very relevant and will influence the advice we give you.
> 
> Let's hear the details. But let's hope it is not her sister or her BFF.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Listen there are things in marriage that your not suppose to say, like I masterbate to someone else, or I think about ____ when we have sex. I thought this was a no brainer.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> Listen there are things in marriage that your not suppose to say, like I masterbate to someone else, or I think about ____ when we have sex. I thought this was a no brainer.


Or "Does this dress make me look fat?"


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Let's hear the details. But let's hope it is not her sister or her BFF.


Or her golden retriever.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Or her golden retriever.




Or her mother.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Or her mother.


:surprise:


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> This is the scientifically proven best way to masturbate.Sit on your hand for about thirty minutes or until it goes numb.Then do it.
> 
> And it feels like someone else.


Sure, if you like the feeling of having a strange man's hand on your d!ck...

Not judging, just pointing it out.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ttfmm said:


> No it is the real people part that bothers her. She knew I did it to porn and even gave me some playful crap about it. It's that she now knows I got off thinking of someone she knows.


Well I imagine that would be a problem for any wife, I know it would be a problem for me, it means you are fantasizing about another woman and getting your rocks off using her image and not your wife. 
How would you feel if your wife called out the name of a guy you know every time you made love and imagined he was the one doing her? Wouldn't make you feel great, right?

Hell, if my H did that I would dump him and tell him go find a life with her. You have crossed a line big time.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Or her golden retriever.


:grin2::grin2::grin2::grin2::grin2::grin2:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

aine said:


> Well I imagine that would be a problem for any wife, I know it would be a problem for me, it means you are fantasizing about another woman and getting your rocks off using her image and not your wife.
> 
> How would you feel if your wife called out the name of a guy you know every time you made love and imagined he was the one doing her? Wouldn't make you feel great, right?
> 
> ...




So fantasizing about someone alone is the same as calling out their name while having sex? Blow things out of proportion much?


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Honestly, any woman who tries to make her husband never masturbate deserves to end up alone. It simply isn't realistic. What she needs to do is learn how to help you along, not shame you into taking it into hiding.
> 
> 
> 
> Is she religiously oppressed from childhood or something?






If the spouse is a recovering porn:mb addict, then yes he should refrain from masturbation. This should be a bottom line behavior to avoid.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ttfmm said:


> I've tried talking about counseling but she said she just wants it to be done. We have kids too I just feel like our lives are being ripped apart for my meaningless stupidity.


Who is the person were there other issues with this person before this came up?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I had a girlfriend call out another guys name during sex once. I couldn't stop laughing at how beet red she turned. Then we continued what we were doing. Its not like she claimed to be a virgin when we started dating. 







WorkingOnMe said:


> So fantasizing about someone alone is the same as calling out their name while having sex? Blow things out of proportion much?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

This seems like a terrific overreaction to me. I don't think the specified behavior is particularly weird or rare, although I don't have data.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Ttfmm said:


> To make a long story short this topic is looking like it is going to end my Marriage of over 10 years. It's not a norm for me porn is the normal go to and even thinking of my wife. However this popped out a couple months ago during an argument and it has been downhill since. She cannot stand this and feels now like she's not number one anymore. I really don't know what to do she tried to get over it but now says she wants a divorce.


There is a sex therapy book that suggests that this topic is rather problematic for couples to accept that each other occasionally fantasizes sexually with other people. Odds are your wife is SO UPSET because she does the same herself and those thoughts may leave her feeling like you are no longer the one for her. So the reason she may want a divorce is that, "well if we BOTH fantasize about other people then WHY even bother trying to force ourselves to stay together!"

Now the "problem" that is actually going on here is one of self development in that one needs to be confident enough with their own self image to not be threatened by being completely honest about normal human behavior. So person 'A' fantasizes about other people because he/she knows they would never really want him/her. Person 'B' gets upset because person 'A' fantasizes about people because he/she no longer wants him/her. 

For those that are confident about themselves and their spouse it goes more like: he/she can think about whoever he/she wants because at the end of the day we always choose each other and that is what makes me love my spouse. 

Badsanta


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So fantasizing about someone alone is the same as calling out their name while having sex? Blow things out of proportion much?


Fantasizing about someone the wife knows is as bad. You are simply splitting hairs.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

aine said:


> Well I imagine that would be a problem for any wife, I know it would be a problem for me, it means you are fantasizing about another woman and getting your rocks off using her image and not your wife.
> How would you feel if your wife called out the name of a guy you know every time you made love and imagined he was the one doing her? Wouldn't make you feel great, right?
> 
> Hell, if my H did that I would dump him and tell him go find a life with her. You have crossed a line big time.


 @aine what if your husband was equally as disturbed by thinking of someone you actually know. Sometimes a fantasy that flashes into one's mind that is found to be very arousing is not something that can be easily controlled. So hypothetically what would you have your husband do if he was struggling with this and wanted your help?



Have the confidence to talk to you about it.
Ignore those thoughts and hope they fade away.
Turn instead to porn as a way to distract himself from having these thoughts.

The above are the ONLY solutions that I can think of, and I feel ignoring it or using porn are more problematic than openly talking about it as a way to let go of any shame and deal with it as a couple.

Hypothetically imagine this other woman simply has a nice smile and is genuinely nice to your husband. If you were aware of these things you could purposely help your husband find a way to shock himself back into reality to see how bad of an idea that those fantasies actually are in real life, of which using the threat of divorce seems rather childish. 

Badsanta

PS: This thread also leads me to think about @Faithful Wife's discussion on how we engage in "mate guarding" in that we instinctually know behaviors that are going to cause similar problems around other people and purposely avoid those. So if someone being nice to you causes you to have a fantasy about them, perhaps the best corse of action is to start actively doing something to prevent this from happening.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/353818-mate-guarding-yourself.html


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Lila said:


> You've been asked several times. ...WHO is this woman you were masturbating to? Be truthful.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


The abrupt silence in response to the posed question is deafening.

Makes me think the subject wasn't just some rando that he saw in the bank.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Ttfmm said:


> How normal is it for married men to masterbate to a mental image of someone they know or are acquainted with?


Completely normal, although appropriateness of doing so is debatable.

I've been asked before and explain it like this: I'd always given my ex-wife first dibs over my sexuality. If I have to MB to thoughts of other women (a sexy co-worker, lady I used to date, etc.) that was because she was not meeting the need. If she's not meeting the need besides being given first dibs then I am free to meet that need as I see fit.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Ttfmm said:


> To make a long story short this topic is looking like it is going to end my Marriage of over 10 years. It's not a norm for me porn is the normal go to and even thinking of my wife. However this popped out a couple months ago during an argument and it has been downhill since. She cannot stand this and feels now like she's not number one anymore. I really don't know what to do she tried to get over it but now says she wants a divorce.


Some questions:

To whom are you masturbating?

How is/was sex with your wife? Was she providing frequent, varied sex yet you MB anyways? Or is it that she provides poorly yet expects even your thought life to be faithful?

Are you attracted to your wife in general?

How did the subject of your masturbatory habits even come up?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Andy1001 said:


> This is the scientifically proven best way to masturbate.Sit on your hand for about thirty minutes or until it goes numb.Then do it.
> 
> And it feels like someone else.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

DTO said:


> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxwvByiQGbg


It was the Scottish comedian Billy Connolly who I heard tell that joke.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

It's completely normal. What is the other reason she's mad at you? 

I also personally handle things like this a little differently than you. If a woman asks a question about anything sexual that I do or fantasize about, I just look her in the eye and answer like everything I do is completely normal and carry on with my day. If she gets pissy I'd just playfully tease her about getting so worked up over nothing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

hifromme67 said:


> If the spouse is a recovering porn:mb addict, then yes he should refrain from masturbation. This should be a bottom line behavior to avoid.


Yes but there's no indication that's what's going on here. My husband IS a recovering sex addict, I do know about it 



aine said:


> Hell, if my H did that I would dump him and tell him go find a life with her. You have crossed a line big time.


Well, since you would do what the OP's wife apparently is, I think you are also having a huge over reaction.

Of course if the OP comes back and says it was his step daughter or someone then, ya, it's a whole nother can of worms.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Honestly, any woman who tries to make her husband never masturbate deserves to end up alone. It simply isn't realistic. What she needs to do is learn how to help you along, not shame you into taking it into hiding.
> 
> Is she religiously oppressed from childhood or something?




Help him along?

Ideally, idly, whatever, the he, should make the she, the prime target for his sexual needs.

A good warm wife beats out a good looking pixel. He should let his hips beat out the tune, not his hand.

But, I like your viewpoint, immensely. Very mature.


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## daisy2008 (Dec 21, 2016)

It is natural for a man and a woman to masturbate. I would be ok with it.. I do for myself and would not allow my man to tell I could not. Watching porn and fantasize about sex or something while playing is cool.. Its not ok if it is someone you know , co-worker or acquaintance... Of either person. I would not be ok with my man doing so. It would be a cause for concern for sure.. 

Sent from my LG-H812 using Tapatalk


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

I'll masturbate to thoughts of my wife, an ex-GF, and my wife's one best friend (who is strictly a fantasy, never done the deed with her). Don't do it when wife is home, and she doesn't know.


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## bilbag (Aug 3, 2016)

Ttfmm said:


> How normal is it for married men to masterbate to a mental image of someone they know or are acquainted with?


Yes I did. A redhead with blue eyes and a stunning blonde with green eyes (?). I didn't tell my wife of course. That would be hurtful. Just fantasizing and not intended to break up my marriage. Both are not in my workplace any more. Probably best that way. Hopefully your wife can forgive you. Next time don't tell.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

badsanta said:


> @aine what if your husband was equally as disturbed by thinking of someone you actually know. Sometimes a fantasy that flashes into one's mind that is found to be very arousing is not something that can be easily controlled. So hypothetically what would you have your husband do if he was struggling with this and wanted your help?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Bad Santa, I also like and appreciate your posts, maybe it is just me but if my H is having said problem I would suggest he do something about it. It is an established fact that thoughts often eventually lead to actions so I would expect my H to have some self control in his thought life - just the same way I expect myself to have said self control.

The OP is a grown man and the idea that one cannot exercise self control is ludicrous. The 'oh I can't help it' rationale is BS. A one off thought etc is fine, we all have them but to feast on them and allow them to get out of control, that is another matter altogether. To my mind, it's like alcohol, sex, etc. If a man wants to put his own self pleasure first in this regard, then I wouldn't want him.

Your solutions are fine, but how come it suddenly becomes his wife's problem, she cannot control his thought life. Having lived with a RAH all of my married life, I am fed up of men who are weak and do not take responsibility for their actions and blame all and sundry. 
Anyway as one poster said, sometimes thoughts are not to be shared. We all have sexual thoughts from time to time that may not involve our spouse, I wouldn't hurt my spouse by sharing them.
If OP is really struggling then maybe he needs professional help.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

aine said:


> Your solutions are fine, but how come it suddenly becomes his wife's problem, she cannot control his thought life. Having lived with a RAH all of my married life, I am fed up of men who are weak and do not take responsibility for their actions and blame all and sundry.


Imagine if you never knew you were living with a RAH. 

_Sure let's goto a party, sure let's grab some drinks. Honey why are you not drinking?_

Being vulnerable does not make a man weak, it simply helps those around him be aware of his vulnerabilities. Nothing more, nothing less. He still needs to be the one to clean up his act!

Badsanta


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Imagine if you never knew you were living with a RAH.
> 
> _Sure let's goto a party, sure let's grab some drinks. Honey why are you not drinking?_
> 
> ...


Badsanta, you are not comparing like with like at all. It is hard for a RAH to hide the fact, but to hide (or choose not to share) one's thought life is relatively easy. 

I think the problem in this case is the OP is fantasizing about someone the wife knows and then telling her about it as if in some way he wants to pass the burden to her. Something really wrong with that scenario.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

aine said:


> Badsanta, you are not comparing like with like at all. It is hard for a RAH to hide the fact, but to hide (or choose not to share) one's thought life is relatively easy.
> *
> I think the problem in this case is the OP is fantasizing about someone the wife knows and then telling her about it as if in some way he wants to pass the burden to her. Something really wrong with that scenario.*


In my opinion I guess it comes down to some women having a stereotypical need to feel "protected" in a relationship (I know that sounds bad). The OP likely misjudged his wife's need for trust and honesty did not outweigh her need to feel protected.

Meanwhile some women thrive on behaving risky around their best friends husbands. Likely because they feel a false sense of security that these husbands will NEVER try to make a move, so this gives her a "free pass" to enjoy being flirtatious and playful around married men!










_"I told you the view up here would be awesome! Hold me tight so I can schooch out some more would you?"_

Badsanta

PS: Thanks for letting me debate with you!


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## Macyyy (Dec 22, 2016)

I love when men master masturbate to me

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G925A using Tapatalk


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I read a long time ago that men masturbate to fantasies of women they know, while women masturbate to fantasies of strangers.

Now, that was a while ago and it may have been that women were not out in the workplace, etc... as much as they are now but I think guys, being as visual as they are, probably fantasize to something they "see", as in recalling what a certain woman looks like.

But to the point, this type of thing is probably best left to the imagination.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

What is an RAH please? Google was not helpful. (Robert Anson Heinlein, Reconnaissance Attack Helicopter, Random Access Humor, Rich A$$ Hole, ect..)

blank aggressive husband? Reactive Aggressive Husband?
`


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I was thinking raging alcoholic.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I was thinking raging alcoholic.


That makes a lot more sense than what I was thinking, when put in context.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

badsanta said:


> In my opinion I guess it comes down to some women having a stereotypical need to feel "protected" in a relationship (I know that sounds bad). The OP likely misjudged his wife's need for trust and honesty did not outweigh her need to feel protected.
> 
> Meanwhile some women thrive on behaving risky around their best friends husbands. Likely because they feel a false sense of security that these husbands will NEVER try to make a move, so this gives her a "free pass" to enjoy being flirtatious and playful around married men!
> 
> ...


Most women (like men) just don't like to share on any level, whether physically, emotionally or in this case mentally.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

aine said:


> Most women (like men) just don't like to share on any level, whether physically, emotionally or in this case mentally.


Thinking of someone is not AT ALL the same as doing someone! 

I think you're being highly unrealistic and rather unfair to others. We can't control our thoughts, to a large extent. We can learn to control racing thoughts, obsessive thoughts, neurotic thoughts...but we can't control those thoughts popping into our heads. And if those thoughts aren't obsessive, or neurotic, or racing...why would we bother trying to control them?

What mental images pop into our heads while masturbating or even having sex are thoughts we can't really control and unless those thoughts are repugnant to our non-aroused brain (thoughts of gore, children, animals, Tom Brady...etc) there is no reason to try.

Thoughts of another specific person, images of something we would never actually want to do in real life, or images of some celebrity are all completely harmless and perfectly normal.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Tom Brady...


:rofl: :lol: :smthumbup: :rofl: :lol: :smthumbup: OMG thanks for the laugh


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> :rofl: :lol: :smthumbup: :rofl: :lol: :smthumbup: OMG thanks for the laugh



Talk about Man-child. Ugh!


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

sixty-eight said:


> What is an RAH please? Google was not helpful. (Robert Anson Heinlein, Reconnaissance Attack Helicopter, Random Access Humor, Rich A$$ Hole, ect..)
> 
> blank aggressive husband? Reactive Aggressive Husband?
> `


In this case I think it means "recovering alcoholic".


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

...Tom Brady...



Hope1964 said:


> :rofl: :lol: :smthumbup: :rofl: :lol: :smthumbup: OMG thanks for the laugh


Hey been there done that


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

In my experience masturbation cums in handy


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> We can't control our thoughts, to a large extent. We can learn to control racing thoughts, obsessive thoughts, neurotic thoughts...but we can't control those thoughts popping into our heads. And if those thoughts aren't obsessive, or neurotic, or racing...why would we bother trying to control them?.


I totally agree about the thoughts that may pop into our heads during intimacy. That happens to me all the time.

But in the context of this post (even though I think the OP is gone now so we can't really find out for sure...) I assumed we were talking about the kind of fantasy and mental imagery that you DO control, that you conjure and relish on purpose, and that you bring forward because you are lusting after a certain person and want to get off to this whole scene you've got created about them in your head. This is deliberate, and not just thoughts popping into your head. This is a mental construct you create for sexual self satisfaction.

I think there's a huge difference and if someone was having sex with me while doing the full on conjured fantasy of someone other than me...that would not be ok with me as I would never do that to a lover, ever. I would not want to. I don't want to be eating a steak and fantasizing about a hamburger. Those random thoughts of people and sex stuff do pop into my head and I assume this happens to everyone and it of course is not a problem thinking my partner would have this happen, too. To me these two different things are not the same at all.

But on the other hand...if a partner is having a full fledged fantasy like that while masturbating, to me that's not really different than watching porn and masturbating. I assume that's normal and expect a partner would do this, and I do, too.

I just don't want to be in that type of space during sex. I want to be out in physical reality where our two actual real non-fantasized bodies are! Where we are touching and kissing and present with each other and turned on by each other. Yummm....there's nothing better. A fantasy is a weak substitute for real connected passionate sex.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

when I do it I always imagine someone specific, or someones specific if I am feeling freaky that day. My wife says when she does she more imagines the things being done, that often the face never comes to her. Though at times she admits she does use the mental image of certain guys to help her along. 


We don't see a problem with it at all. Though in our case we don't masturbate often as we have sex nearly daily so the "need" to do it is not strong.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Thinking of someone is not AT ALL the same as doing someone!
> 
> I think you're being highly unrealistic and rather unfair to others. We can't control our thoughts, to a large extent. We can learn to control racing thoughts, obsessive thoughts, neurotic thoughts...but we can't control those thoughts popping into our heads. And if those thoughts aren't obsessive, or neurotic, or racing...why would we bother trying to control them?
> 
> ...


Anon Pink,

I didn't say there was anything wrong with having fantasies, people are getting carried away from the original post by the OP. The problem arises that he himself thinks he has a problem and he shared it with his wife, that is the main problem. 
If a wife doesn't have a problem with it then that is between husband and her, every marriage is different, it is all a matter of degrees. No marriage relationship is absolute, what works in one may not work in another.

Therefore for me personally I would not want to know my H fantasises when he masturbates if it involves my friends, colleagues, etc. The thoughts themselves are not the problem it is how they affect the spouse they are shared with.
You may be very liberal in your marriage with many things but not everyone thinks or acts like you. This wife has a problem therefore for this couple, that is what the posters should be dealing with, not whether she has a right to think like that or not! (or anyone else has a right to think they way they do either, for that matter).


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