# Man's Duty to Pull Trigger on Divorce?



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

This is a spinoff from a thread in the sex forum.

If you both kinda know the marriage is bad, do you think it's the male's duty, since we are the ones who take the initiative on asking women to marry us, to ask for/file for divorce?

I ask this because I know my wife for years would have said she didn't have the guts to do it. . .that she wanted it. . .but couldn't do it. . .so it was the final act of manhood I performed on the marriage (well, I guess continually paying child support is the final act but you catch my drift).

Is it a little bit, well, let's say chivalarous too, to do this, so the woman can be the victim? And just say, "The SOB left me with 3 kids!" to her family and friends? 

I would say, and I know this is controversial, women are conditioned (and supported by the courts) to be victims in society. They are also conditioned to be "pleasers" too, and also women are conditioned to value "family" a little more so I am not saying all conditioning is bad or good. 

Well, I'll stop there. . .and let the flaming begin. Usual disclaimer - I know I am generalizing, that's why I am asking for a general response.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I was raised to be strong and independent, so I cannot relate to the 'conditioning' comments. I was also the one to pull the trigger on my first marriage. 

I have never heard this question before, but would imagine in this day and age, it's pretty balanced as far as who files if it gets to that point.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I don’t know. I think we’re all so very different with this stuff.

I’m coming up to year separated and divorce has been mentioned just once. That was when my wife had created yet another delusion for herself based on something “a well meaning friend” had told her and thought I’d a new woman in my life and she’d imagined she was moving in with me. There simply is no other woman in my life but her delusion upset her and she demanded that I start divorce proceedings.

I’ve absolutely no wish to become emotionally entangled with my wife in divorce or in anything else for that matter. Our sons are well grown, in their mid 30s so no children to be concerned with from that perspective. I’ve been advised that after two years mutually agreed separation I can just file for divorce. I don’t even want to tell her that’s my plan. I think it crazy in England that divorce has to be “at fault”, that someone is to blame for the marriage breaking down. That’s a whole emotional minefield for me and my wife. Why on earth two people who’ve been married 38 years can’t just get a divorce without blame, no fault is way beyond me.

Bob


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## cbd2010 (Aug 19, 2010)

That's a really interesting question, particularly given the condition that 'both kinda know the marriage is bad.' I could make a number of arguments either way depending on how each partner felt about the marriage, but if they're both sort of ambivalent, or both unhappy, then... no, not necessarily. A woman 'not having the guts' to do it isn't a good enough excuse not to - but then, I've never been one to not have the guts to do something difficult. And playing the victim is BS.

I think you are right, that traditionally women have taken the role (not sure if conditioned is the right word, but I get your meaning) of the victim. I, for one, am a woman who absolutely won't allow myself to be a victim, nor would I ever claim to be (unless, due some unforeseen situation, I really WAS). But to place the burden - and the blame - of the final decision on the husband? Uh-uh.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

swedish said:


> I have never heard this question before, but would imagine in this day and age, it's pretty balanced as far as who files if it gets to that point.


For what is worth, women BY FAR file divorce as greater percentage than the man, at least in the U.S.

This is not maybe helping Scannerguards original question, but for my 2 cents, the woman tends to be the first in the relationship to feel as something is not right.

Otherwise I will step aside on this interesting topic.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

In my situation, my stb-xw filed most likely as a means to feel free to carry on with the OM. She had already cheated emotionally and most likely physically too. This was just her way to keep from feeling guity about it. Of course now she's playing the victim too.

I don't think it's the man's duty to file. I actually tried to save the marriage to no avail.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

BigBadWolf said:


> For what is worth, women BY FAR file divorce as greater percentage than the man, at least in the U.S.


Interesting. I would imagine this might have something to do with men, in general, have more to lose financially by divorcing? Not sure, other than that was not the case in my first marriage.


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