# 4 years, no full-time job for husband



## sparkling (Feb 20, 2011)

My husband hasn't ever had a full-time, non-temp job. He is college educated and had a near 4.0 GPA. We married right after he graduated 4 years ago. He has never managed to get full-time steady employment, while I have been working full-time almost constantly. First, he was unemployed for 1 1/2 years. Then my dad gave him a paid internship in his field. While he was doing that, I got laid off, so he telecommuted to finish up the internship, while we moved abroad for a job I got teaching English. After that, he was unemployed for about 1 1/2 more years while I was working full-time. He did the dishes and laundry, ran errands, and sometimes cooked dinner. An aquaintence of ours gave him part-time work doing English lessons, so now he is working about 5 hours a week, which is the equivalent to a few hundred dollars a month. Meanwhile, I support us making approximately $43k a year.

I told him I found my dead-end job unsatisfying and maybe we should move back to the States so that he can look for work in an English-speaking country. He said he thinks there are more job opportunities where we are now (which I'm inclined to doubt, but I know the economy's bad). So I agreed to stay another year, but only on the condition that he try his very hardest on looking for work, developing work-related skills, or at least keeping the house clean enough to have guests over. He agreed.

Well, the week after I got everything settled to stay, on that Monday when I got home, he said he was depressed because he had wasted the day. I admitted I was disappointed, but hey, everybody makes mistakes. Just work harder tomorrow. He did send his resume to a company the next day, which I was glad of. In the weeks since, I wonder what he is doing. I think he should be looking for work or taking care of the house with more dedication.

I wonder if the economy is really so horrible he can't get a full-time job in 4 years, or if I'm enabling him to slack off. I know he wants a job, and he does scan the want ads. I try to be supportive, but sometimes I think to myself, "What is wrong with you? Why can't you get a job? You were a star student, so what happened??" In my bad moments I think, "How can I find you sexy when your lack of motivation is straining my respect for you?"

Should I quit my job and move, figuring MAYBE he would have better job prospects? Should I tell him to quit his part-time job, go back to the US without me for awhile, and look for work? Or should I give up on his career and start a family, and let him take care of the kids? I'll be thirty this year and really want a child, but we both hoped he would have full-time work before having kids.

I don't know what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I don't know. 

I don't know which country you are in, but you have a very good job and make very good salary. 

My husband and I are English teachers too, he is from Canada, I am from China, we are in Taiwan, we are happy here since the job doesn't require 40 hours a week( we each teach about 20 hours a week) and we make good wage compare to other local workers. 

Leaving where you work and quit what you have is not what I will do, because what you make is enough for two and enough for a family. If you go back to the country where you come from, you have to start all over again, and right now the job market is not that optimistic, you have to think more about doing that! 

But it is difficult for you to have respect for him since he is not doing what a husband should do. And he might have this attitude: My wife makes enough, I can just live off her! 

If you love him, and he loves you, he is not doing anything to be unfaithful, and you are OK with him being a stay at home dad, I don't see why not!


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

His full time job should be looking for a full time job. He should be spending (ideally) 8 hours a day working on it.

I highly recommend the book _48 Days to the Work You Love_ by Dan Miller. The workbook version is my favorite.

It will only continue to eat at both of you until he gets a FT job.


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## sparkling (Feb 20, 2011)

Thanks for the replies.

He is a great husband in other respects, and hardworking once he starts on something. He just has a big problem with procrastinating when something doesn't HAVE to be done that second. It makes things feel uneven, because I'm a very driven person. I think he's dispirited about jobs, and because he's so smart, he's never had to work really hard for something, like looking for work in a bad economy. I don't know how to encourage him without sounding like I'm nagging.

I'm worried if he has too long a gap in his resume that he won't be able to catch up, and I don't want to be the sole decent paycheck winner forever. :-/ I think he needs to stay sharp on his skills at least while at home. He's also interested in returning to school, but I'm not sure whether or not it would pay off, and we might go into debt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I do think he has issues with having jobs below his expectation. 

When we enter the job market the first time, we have to take whatever we can get, cultivate job skills, then move to better jobs. If you don't accept low income jobs, then you never get to have the opportunity to have yourself trained. 

He has to come to this conclusion. Being a professional student is not good for a person, he will never grow up. I don't think it is fair for you to be the sole bread winner either. He is the man, he should provide. 

But how can you help you that, I really don't know. It is his thinking hinders him getting a job. 

Never think that we are important, those little jobs are below us to take. Being more humble and more practical are what wise people do!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just start moving. He'll either get on board or he'll be left behind, and then he'll HAVE to get a job.

fwiw, come to Houston. There are literally tens of thousands of job openings here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, and he'll never 'grow up' if you keep acting like his mom.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

I'm sensing a lot of anger and blaming the guy for not working.

I think there is a lot more to it than just him not working. What are your goals together? Have you asked him, "If I lose my job or quit because I can't take it anymore at my job, what will we do? Do we have enough savings to live off for 6 months or a year? Where would we go? How will we pay the bills?" 

Ask realistic questions to make him think about your future and then work on building the goal together. Think of worse case scenarios and what you two would do if they should happen. Let him have input. That might drive him to see things differently and maybe even from your perspective.


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