# How concerned should I be



## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

Wondering if my wife wants to cheat on me. 

She has 2 kids with her ex. 
I have 2 kids with my ex.

Something felt "off" the past few months...hardly hacing any real conversations, less sex, more arguments..We got into an argument and I ended up checking phone records online and saw that she had been calling her ex while I was at work. Got a hold of her phone and saw texts back and forth between them asking how their day was and stuff. The last one he sent was talking about how he missed her or whatever. I blew up and asked her if she wanted a divorce... she said she refused to sign anything and said I was ridiculous for accusing her. Said she was talking to him about sports (that part really bothers me since it makes no sense).

Not the first time she went back to him..while we were dating, she left me to go back with him once then said it was a mistake and came back to me. Then when she moved in she visited him without me knowing , stating she was making sure she was doing the right thing for her babies... About a month ago she recommended we all have her sons bday party together (ex included) so that her son would know that everything was ok.
We have been married for 6 months and only dated about 4 months before we married. WOndering if she will continue to have doubts or whatever and continue to go back to him whether its througs secret texts and phone calls or physically. We have a baby on the way now... dont know if I should be more understanding because of hormones and stuff or what. Very confused


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How long ago was her divorce finalized?


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Prime, C'mon Man...

With as many EXs in your life you should know without any doubts...

Former persons that you or your wife have been intimate with, have no place in your current marriage. These pages are littered with affair after affair from formers. And BTW, a long time ago means very little in the affair equation. My own wife was FB by an old college BF from 30 YEARS ago. Yep, in less than 2 weeks she is having sex in motels no tell with him and back madly in love.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am sure she was talking about sports.......the sport of lovemaking no doubt.

Look she has gone back to her ex twice already. If you have a baby on the way then you most certainly need to have a paternity test done. Why in the world would you trust her with this ex. You have been married only 6 months and should be in the honeymoon stage. Try to get a paternity test done and if it is not yours then file for an annulment. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would put up with this humiliating and disrespecting behavior from you? If you do not respect yourself then who will?
No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.


----------



## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

she was never married to him...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

do any of you possibly think your advice is a bit over the top? I mean this is my marriage and even though it sounds conflicting under the xircumstance, I do believe she takes that seriously. She is only 21... and she is pregnant.. could any of that be at play here?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude we all have been here long enough to know that with certiainty that we are not over the top.
We here in this community see it time and again.

Listen and think!!!!!!!!


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

she is 21 and already have 2 kids with 3rd on the way?


----------



## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

yeah
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gemwas (Apr 26, 2012)

Personally I would take a step back from this and have a good think over the facts, having taken off the rose tinted glasses that falling in love with this girl had you wear.

21 with 2 children and one on the way is a LOT of pressure and responsibility for a 21 year old, who probably still has a lot of emotional growing up to do. Sounds like she doesn't have a clue what she wants, who she wants and what is best for her and the kids. Wether you like it or not her and the kids are all she deep down cares about and so it should be. I agree with the suggestion that after only 9 months of being together you should still be in the honeymoon stage, with not a fraction of doubt about anything.

This needs to be sorted one way or another before children end up getting confused and hurt. And remember by posting in here you are inviting in opinion, and they will all be different.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Sucks she`s pregnant.

Here`s my advice based on the fact that she`s only 21 with two kids already and a history of being stuck on her Ex and lying to you about it.

Divorce her before you get any deeper into this **** because that`s what this is....****.

When the child is born have a DNA paternity test run on it and hope her Ex is the father.

That way you`re off scott free.

Here`s what I`d advise if you foolishly wanted to invest the time, blood, tears, money, life, and heartbreak into attempting to fix it only to eventually fail anyway.

She is never to have contact with her Ex again beyond dropping off and picking up the kids.

You are to monitor these communications and she is to delete nothing.
Check her phone/e-mail contact with him against the cell logs and install a key logger on the computer if she contacts him that way.

If she balks at any of this divorce her.

When the child is born have a DNA paternity test run on it and hope her Ex is the father because that might be the only thing that will make you get yourself out of this ****.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

take control of your marriage a set the boundries and the consequences if those boundries are crossed. You cant control her but you can offer up the action in protecting the marriage, then it will be up to her to recieve this protection or not.

She is young and as you get labeled "controlling" you will submit to her manipulation, don't let this happen by being the alpha male in this marriage and stick to your boundries. Like many here we stop protecting our marriages and by avaoiding losing the ones we love we also loss control of our marriages.

You do not control your wife but you do have control over what you will tolorate and what you will do if boundries are crossed.

I'm afraid you are in for a life of "girls night outs" and "your not my dad" and "your to controling" and my favorite " I'm an adult and I can do what I want"........sorry brother, your chick has no boundries for her body much less for her marriage.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

It may be nothing. But the two things that bother me is her getting so defensive about it, and not telling you when she went to see him. For this type of thing to work, she has to be pretty transparent.

You may have to accept the fact that there is another man permanently in your life due to the children. This is a very gray area here. You'll have to learn to trust her, and just as importantly, not show jealousy when it starts to eat at you. Look for signs though, and don't get blindsided. When in doubt and you have justifiable suspicions, confirm if they are true or not. Then put it behind you.

IF nothing is going on, then I see nothing wrong with bringing the entire family together for special occassions or just a bbq or whatnot. Sometimes you have to put aside personal feelings for the kids.

This takes you being very secure in yourself and the relationship though. And it also takes understanding from her that this is a bit of a hard situation for you, and she should be a little understanding when you occassionally have questions or little doubts. 

I encouraged my W to maintain a relationship with her ex because of the kids, and also because the bitterness and battles were eating away at her happiness (and in return ours to some degree). And it was hard for her at first, because he was very bitter. She had to take a lot of crap from him and "turn the other cheek" before things settled down and he got tired of fighting someone who wouldn't fight back. Now all is seemingly good. They visit and do things as a family regularly. She's anxious for the day when enough time has passed that we can all visit together. And I'm confident I have not a worry in the world about any of this. Sure, I still get a nagging twinge of "what if" from time to time, but she's never done a single thing to make me doubt her. And believe me, I'm very in tune to possible "red flags".

They talk, they text, they visit. She'll always take his calls in front of me when I'm around. She keeps me in the loop. She knows to lie to me about anything involving another man would end our relationship, so she does not do it. I resist questions as much as possible, and don't pry too much, and never act jealous. If I have a question, I ask it, and I get an answer.

Could this backfire on me someday? I suppose. But I don't think that would change because of WHO the other guy is, but rather who she is. She will be pre-disposed to that type of thing or she won't be. I have zero cause to think she is that way, and I certainly won't push her towards it by being insecure, controlling or jealous. By being this way I feel I've done much more to maintain her loyalty than by not trusting for no substantive reason. 

If there are red flags, find out what is going on. If you find out it's nothing, you will HAVE to put it behind you. There is another man in your relationship, and because of the kids, he'll be there a while. The wrong thing to do is to try and create strife between them or tell her you won't accept this extended family type relationship (assuming he's not some evil child molestor or abuser). Being controlling will only speed up (or perhaps facilitate) an outcome that otherwise would not happen or would have happened no matter what you did.

Trust until she's proven she's unworthy. And if that's the case, "next" her sorry butt and move on.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Adding to what the others have said... yes, she is young and confused. However, the ex should ONLY be in the picture in regards to the children. Really, as long as she is married to you, she needs to keep the ex out except regarding the kids. Period. Reminiscing just keeps their relationship fresh in her mind, and makes her wonder why the relationship ended, etc. And you need to have THIS talk with her. Tell her how it makes you feel. While she could be feeling this because she is now expecting her third child, it still isn't fair to you.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Sucks she`s pregnant.
> 
> Here`s my advice based on the fact that she`s only 21 with two kids already and a history of being stuck on her Ex and lying to you about it.
> 
> ...


I'd also suggest watching to see if she adds yahoo messenger or msn or any other chat thing on her phone. She could very easily add them to avoid her texting to show conversations with him. If already on there, then any conversations MUST be saved in the history so you can see. 

Ultimately, this is up to you, but these are the things I would do in your place.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I missed the part about him texting her he missed her. There's no reason for that kind of text, and she should have squashed it immediately with a "I am married, and I'm sorry, but I have moved on and that is inappropriate....this is about the kids" type of thing. That goes above and beyond normal conversation about the kids, what each other is up to, etc. That is a red flag, along with the lying about seeing him and getting defensive. Three red flags. Check it out. If it's nothing, as others have said, you need boundaries. She must be transparent about this. 

You have red flags. Check them out. Nip it in the bud immediately. That is inappropriate communication with an ex.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

primebeatz said:


> WOndering if she will continue to have doubts or whatever and continue to go back to him whether its througs secret texts and phone calls or physically. We have a baby on the way now... dont know if I should be more understanding because of hormones and stuff or what. Very confused


No. You don't have to be more understanding.

No wonder why she still has doubts about the marriage with you.
Within a year you dated and got married. That is a short time to make a marriage happen.
Anyway, what's done is done. She shouldn't have married you unless she was sure about her feeling.

IMHO she's being very immature going back and forth to her boyfriend and sure, getting married at 21 is another factor for her unstable feelings.


----------



## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

She is 21. The age when people finally get to drink and take shots. Finally old enough to party! But she has two kids....and she's pregnant!....ugh.....She is closer to a high schooler, emotionally, than an adult.

I think you have something her EX doesn't- Which is why she is with you, but also with him. What do you have? Stability? Maturity? $?

She isn't over him, and he isn't over her- and now your caught up in the middle. I agree with the other posters that you need to set up boundaries asap and demand she respect them, but only if the baby is yours. If he/she isn't yours- GET OUT OF THIS NOW.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

She is 21

She has two children

You dated for four months

During those four months she went back to him for a time

Then you got married

You've been married for 6 mos.

She is pregnant

You feel like she is inappropriately in contact with her Ex.

You should be very, very, very concerned.

----------------------------

Here is my take on this. I don't care that they weren't married before. She has at least one child by that man (maybe 2? maybe 3?). Regardless--

the typical advice to prevent affairs with ex's is No Contact, as in zero, zip, nada, for the rest of their lives. However, that is beyond unreasonable where she is the mother of a young child via her Ex. The only way you can confirm she isn't stringing her ex along and planning to go back to him is monitor all their communications. That seems to be to be an outrageous solution for one adult vis-a-vis another.

I think you're going to have to learn to live with the fact that someday she may go back to him. Four months is nearly always too short a time to know someone enough to marry them. At the tender age of 20 or 21, it might as well be four seconds.

I wish you good luck, and I mean that very sincerely, because you need every bit you can get. You probably fully understand now why experts recommend knowing someone for at least a year or two before getting engaged, and then spending a number of months being engaged before getting married. It most certainly doesn't solve all problems, but there are quite a few that it does prevent.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Why did you marry her---or did you just think the good fairy, was gonna come in snap her fingers, and make your wife---forget her lover

She went back to him twice--before you even got married----she refuses to stop talking to him, and in all honesty he will be in your life till THEIR kid is 18, at least---so he ain't goin away any time soon

You got 2 choices here---live in MISERY, for the rest of the time you are with her---or get an annulment---if you can---and DO NOT EVER COME ON HERE, AND PUT THE PEOPLE WHO SPEND TIME HERE, DOWN---THEY HAVE FORGOTTEN MORE ABOUT THE SUBJECT OF INFIDELITY, THEN YOU WILL EVER LEARN IN YOUR WHOLE F'ING LIFETIME

They are telling you straight, you are getting your a*s whooped, by your wife, and she is gonna continue to cheat on you, your whole mge---and I AM WILLING TO BET ON THAT!!!!!!


----------



## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

jnj... when did I put anyone on here down?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

How about your post #6----You best listen to these people----THEY WILL, save you a whole lot of grief, ---just remember---you get one SHOT at life on this planet----and it spose to be a good, happy, enjoyable trip---here you are 6 months into a mge., that you KNEW---was gonna have problems, now you need help---try listening/following what you are told---THEY KNOW WHAT THE ARE TALKING ABOUT.


----------



## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

i appreciate the advice.. for the record jnj... that was not an attack or a put down towards anybody and i truly regret you feel that way. I didnt want advice from anybody who thought I was being hostile towards them. A way of thinking was presented to me and I was just wondering if there was a possible alternate way of thinking that didn't involve divorce or paternity tests OR a failed unhappy marriage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Prime, realize that we're looking at your situation from the outside and in black and white. You, however, see it from the inside, with all the emotions, pain, hope, crumbling dreams, and all that goes with your situation.

The people here have been through the whole range, so don't take it personally if someone dresses you down. Sometimes it's deserved (to give you a wake up call), and sometimes people are venting just as you are. 

Black and white - you're very young, you've been with this girl for less than a year and were married after just four months. There are 2, soon to be 3 kids in the picture (questionable as to whether #3 is yours, to be blunt), and you have reason to not trust her because of her feelings for her ex, and how she has acted on them in secrecy. She is keeping things from you. Big things. You should run for the hills. Man I wish she wasn't pregnant. You're signing up for a huge load here, and I know you love her but it's gonna be a very hard road, especially if you can't trust her (which you shouldn't).

See a counselor to vent your concerns, see if they can give you some perspective on the big picture. And yes, do listen to the people here. Won't find a more seasoned crew who want to help you avoid the mistakes that will be rolling at you like a Mack truck in the weeks/months to come. It's a mine field, and you won't get out unscatched, but you will still be standing.

Good luck...


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow. I think you darn well better check the babies DNA and you really really should be worried.

You've only been with her less than a year and she's already gone back to him once, possibly more. she's got 2 kids already at 21 to boot.

She doesn't really make very good life choices does she. she also rushes right into things it seems.

I think it is very highly likely she is still connecting with him, and will do so again. I really really recommend you get a DNA test done because that kid very well may be his.


----------



## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

we work the same job same schedule one car. all days off were together. been lile that since September. not sure when she would have chance to cheat
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

You're in denial. One thing I've learned from my ordeal is that cheaters will find a way to cheat.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Let's say you can be 100% sure that she has had no chance to physically cheat since September.

You are still posting here for a reason; that is, you believe she's communicating inappropriately with her Ex. You want her to stop it and you're asking for advice on how to accomplish that.

You have plenty of evidence, from her actions and words, that she is drawn to her Ex. Ordinarily, we would tell you that she is likely in an emotional affair, and it certainly qualifies as cheating. Many a person has betrayed their marriage in this way. It consists of an inappropriately close relationship with someone outside the marriage, keeping it secret from the spouse, discussing issues with that person privately that aren't discussed with the spouse, and forming a strong bond.

The problem with an Ex, however, is that the bond was created long before you met. So these aren't new feelings she is developing for this person; this is an ongoing struggle she periodically has, whether to return and live with the father of her child(ren) as a family. Again, it doesn't matter that they never married, her feelings for him were strong enough to have a bond.

If there were no children, you would have every right and expectation for her to permanently end communicating with her Ex. After all, she's married to you.

That is not an option here. She will always have a reason, a very legal and important reason, to talk to her Ex. 

If you want to stay married, you will need to explicitly discuss the boundaries with her in relation to talking to her Ex. But I don't see how you can monitor their communications and determine whether or not she is in love with him and whether or not she plans to go back. It's just a physical impossibility.

That is why I recommended, if you want to stay married to her, learning to live with that very real potential that she will leave. You can talk about boundaries, and she can make promises and nod her head. Just remember, she ALREADY vowed to be your wife for the rest of your life. If that is not enough, there is little you can do now to compel her to stay faithful, because you cannot stop them from interacting. You are truly over a barrel.


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

She has been texting w him inappropriately, maintaining their bonds and hiding it from you. That is cheating. You can't tell me she hasn't been elsewhere than you since September...though its good that you spend most of your time together. Your thread title asks how concerned you should be. The answer is very. If you want this woman then you need to enforce boundaries from the get go. No casual talk w ex, only kid stuff. No texting/communicating secretly w other men. If she loves you those should be pretty easy to enforce. Tell her you can't be in a three person marriage, and that you expect her to respect that. How would she react if you were keeping secret ties w your ex's (or anyone for that matter)?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Prime----we are here to help you---I know you don't like a lot of what your getting thrown at you---but it is the wisdom of many, talking to you

I wish, we could turn you inside out of yourself, and make you a fly on the wall of your home, looking at everything from an outside perspective---you would see this so much differently

I am answering you based solely on what you have written---so here goes---she had a lover, she had kids with him, she has married you, but has not STOPPED, heavy/major communication with him---so right here let's stop and ask you a question---Is this what a married woman does---keep up heavy communication with an X-Lover---you already know the answer don't you????

She is pregnant---you can only hope its yours,---- as to kids with him, your wife is the mother, the X-Lover is the father, he is gonna be in your life a long time, whether you like it or not

You are married only 6 mths---she is already running to him, and you are running to us, declaring you are already having problems, so your mge, which should be in the starry-eyed, wonderful stage, where you and your wife, see no other but each other, instead---you are already miserable, cuz she is in constant contact, with her X-Lover

Look at your future---can't see it---take the ave. mge---7 to 10 yrs in---things get boring same old, same old---spouses, want something more, something exciting---problems crop up---but in your mge---even long before that, I will tell you what will probably happen, you two will disagree/argue/fight---it happens in every mge that exists----and I will tell you right now---everytime you have a problem in your mge---she is gonna run to her X-Lover-----what happens when the 2 of them get together----who knows---but it will never be GOOD FOR YOUR MGE

Get out of this now---your mge., will give you nothing but misery----you may call me a pessimist---but based on your fact pattern, what I have written, is more than likely, what you are looking at for a future----is that really what you want for a future----It's your choice/decision, and no one else's---but it is your life, to live----I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide!!!!


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

primebeatz said:


> we work the same job same schedule one car. all days off were together. been lile that since September. not sure when she would have chance to cheat
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife could fit her quickie with the OM in 15 minutes on her way to her female friend.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You should be very concerned. How old are you? She is someone way too young for marriage and 3 kids. She hasn't matured emotionally yet and I wouldn;t be surprised if she cheats on you..


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Cheating doesn't always mean physical contact. It appears to me she is emotionally cheating you out of a healthy marriage by contacting her x......
You wife at the very least is doing just that cheating...emotionally cheating and with that the next step and with in a very short time comes the physical aspects. Like when she goes over to her babies daddy for a visit, but you wont know this b/c what she will tell you is she's going shopping, while you stay home and watch the kids.

I could go on but since you are here and asking if you should be concerned and everyone has told you YES, then you need to start asking what you can do next. Then we can retype our replies or you can reread your thread. You can keep this marriage but there are steps that where mentioned here that you need to follow.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

i have been married over 28 years and my wife hooked up with strangers on FB and the internet and while doing this was pursuing old friends on FB. I have most of the chats. One old HS friend did not remember her and she kept pursuing him. He finally said, I don't remember you but here is my phone number and please don't call me at such and such a time as I do not want to explain this to the misses (he was married) and oh by the way I will be in your town next week, call me and we can hook up. My wife's excuse when I exploded was, oh he is an old friend from HS and he was so funny and we were very close. Yet he kept saying over and over again, I don't remember you.

Your wife has a connection with the ex, children, sex, intimacy.

End it. Tell her she can talk about the children with him when you are there with her and that is the only time she can talk to him, when you are there. No texting. No other contact.


----------



## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

I appreciate all of the input from everybody. I laid out some guidelines and she has agreed. I contacted the ex about when and where we would meet to drop off the kids instead of her doing so. I really want to keep the marriage and while I do feel disrespected and cheated out of a GREAT relationship instead of an OK one, I think we can work past this. Any deviation feom the rules I laid out will not be tolerated. Im not a fool and I dont think I should give up just yet. I will keep you all posted and for sure will be back to let you know of my success in marriage. (keep your fingers crossed)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

primebeatz said:


> I appreciate all of the input from everybody. I laid out some guidelines and she has agreed. I contacted the ex about when and where we would meet to drop off the kids instead of her doing so. I really want to keep the marriage and while I do feel disrespected and cheated out of a GREAT relationship instead of an OK one, I think we can work past this. Any deviation feom the rules I laid out will not be tolerated. Im not a fool and I dont think I should give up just yet. I will keep you all posted and for sure will be back to let you know of my success in marriage. (keep your fingers crossed)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Once in awhile I've got to believe there is hope,so I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.Good luck.


----------

