# Trying to learn how to cope. Please help.



## Lady Betrayed (Aug 14, 2012)

I've been searching online for a place like this, wanting to find people in a similar situation and wanting to know I'm not alone. I just discovered that my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me, in kind of a unique way, I guess. From what I can see, he didn't have an emotional affair and while he was interested in having a physical affair, every time he tried to make that happen in person, he lost his nerve. So intermittently, for the last two years, he has been emailing people and talking to them on the phone about who knows what. 

I have been completely blindsided by this. Our marriage was in no way unhappy, and he will attest to that still. He has said and continues to say that I am his "dream girl" and that he feels like he may never be able to forgive himself for hurting me like this. This is so hard for me to understand now. He and I were always together, the best of friends, very much in love, very active sex life. I am the opposite of frigid (very adventurous! so in love with him!), so it's especially hard for me to understand why he would cheat. He has some inner demons, as we all do, and instead of feeling like he could confide in me, he tried to suppress everything. That didn't turn out very well. I have been completely open with him and never even considered cheating. I have been in situations where people have been interested in me but since I valued my marriage over a temporary distraction, I never did anything that could be construed as inappropriate or encouraged that kind of behavior (or even flirted!). One of my mottos in life is "never mistake temptation for opportunity"! If I found myself thinking someone was attractive, I did everything I could to avoid that person and tell my spouse what my thoughts were and how I could combat them. Now I know that he felt very insecure and unsure of his position in my heart, not because of anything I did, but because of his own fears and insecurities and because of the attention that I have received from others.  I can understand his feeling that way, but I can't understand him doing what he did. 

The worst part for me is that I have always feared being cheated on. The only thing I have ever wanted was openness and honesty in a marriage and now I'm not sure if he can ever offer me that. And I wonder if this doesn't work out, if I could ever trust another human being in this way again. I have seriously considered some kind of monastic life if this doesn't work out. I have also wondered (lately) what if would be like for me to cheat on him, and before I would have NEVER thought that. I want to be able to hold my head up and feel good about the person I am, so that thought is very confusing and hurtful for me to have.

Obviously, I'm not sure what to do now, but I want my marriage to work so I'm trying to figure out how to do that. At times, it seems completely hopeless. We're in counseling now, and I'm continuing to see a separate therapist that I've been seeing for issues unrelated to this. Has anyone here actually recovered? What do you think my chances could be? We don't have any children (though we were planning to) and I know I only have so many years left before that choice is taken from me. I'm just so lost and confused. Please help me feel less alone.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I know this is difficult, Lady. Can you elaborate on how he cheated exactly? I mean, if I'm reading this correctly, it was different women that he contacted by email and by phone but never actually had a physical relationship with any of them? Is that what he's saying?


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## Lady Betrayed (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks for reading my post and responding, SomedayDig. Sorry for not being more clear. I discovered his infidelity through a friend. My friend discovered him posting on Craigslist (married, looking for same to talk to people via phone and email with the possibility of meeting up). He claims that he actually met up with five people, and of those five, he attempted to have sex with one of them, with no success (performance anxiety). He is a pretty high strung guy with sexual anxieties, so while this seems unlikely, I don't think it's impossible. After his failed attempt, he was emailing with people and talking on the phone. I assume phone sex, but he says he only tried that once (with success). He says he did all this to work through his sexual anxiety.

Edit: I also understand that Occam's Razor would have me believe that he's a big liar, and I have to admit that this is part of my struggle. But I have complete access to financial and phone records, and what I have there seems to partially corroborate his story.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

_*Only did it to help his sexual anxiety?*_

Sorry -- that's a WEAK explanation....

What do you want out of this relationship? Do you have kids? What's the worst that would happen if you were to leave him or demand that he move out?

You should consider laying down some clear boundaries, asking him to get some counseling/ see a medical doctor to address "sexual anxiety" issues, and then waiting to see some real evidence of remorse.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Well, you've stated that you want your marriage to work. I can respect that. I felt the same after a while when I found my wife had a FIVE YEAR LONG affair. It is very difficult to deal with our spouse's betrayal, and that's what you're dealing with right now.

Do you have access to everything like email/facebook/craigslist passwords and whatnot. I saw you have cell and financial statements, however, don't forget some waywards use burner phones and cash.

You need to simply let him know that although you want the marriage to work/continue, that only with his full and complete disclosure can that happen.

That is truly the only way you can heal. Believe Occcam's Razor because it is very plausible. I'm not saying it's the only truth, but waywards have a funny way of trickle truthing in their attempt to "spare" your feelings.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Hello OP. I am going to jot down some very general points for you, that way I can gather my thoughts with something more personal. ( I am a BS by the way, my H cheated about 4.5 years ago, we have been reconciling for almost 3 years.)

--- His cheating is about HIM. HE needs to go to Individual counseling to address his issues.

--- You will need to sit down and lay out what you need from him in order to stay and work on the relationship. (This should include counseling, transparency, and any emotional support you need)

--- Get back to YOU. Do things that make you happy, and come up with a few goals for yourself, so his infidelity does not consume you.


I will be back later on, and I am sure a lot of people will have a lot of great advice.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Lady Betrayed said:


> I've been searching online for a place like this, wanting to find people in a similar situation and wanting to know I'm not alone. I just discovered that my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me, in kind of a unique way, I guess. From what I can see, he didn't have an emotional affair and while he was interested in having a physical affair, every time he tried to make that happen in person, he lost his nerve. So intermittently, for the last two years, he has been emailing people and talking to them on the phone about who knows what.
> 
> I have been completely blindsided by this. Our marriage was in no way unhappy, and he will attest to that still. He has said and continues to say that I am his "dream girl" and that he feels like he may never be able to forgive himself for hurting me like this. This is so hard for me to understand now. He and I were always together, the best of friends, very much in love, very active sex life. I am the opposite of frigid (very adventurous! so in love with him!), so it's especially hard for me to understand why he would cheat. He has some inner demons, as we all do, and instead of feeling like he could confide in me, he tried to suppress everything. That didn't turn out very well. I have been completely open with him and never even considered cheating. I have been in situations where people have been interested in me but since I valued my marriage over a temporary distraction, I never did anything that could be construed as inappropriate or encouraged that kind of behavior (or even flirted!). One of my mottos in life is "never mistake temptation for opportunity"! If I found myself thinking someone was attractive, I did everything I could to avoid that person and tell my spouse what my thoughts were and how I could combat them. *Now I know that he felt very insecure and unsure of his position in my heart, not because of anything I did, but because of his own fears and insecurities and because of the attention that I have received from others.  I can understand his feeling that way, but I can't understand him doing what he did. *
> 
> ...


 I have an amazing, beautiful wife who I'm incredibly lucky to have and men are always hitting on her. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve her and maybe she deserves someone better.... You know what?! I'll go on craigslist and proposition several other married women to alleviate my mental anguish and insecurities...

Sorry Lady Betrayed but that's one of the lamest excuses I've ever heard. When you have a trophy wife, you'd be VERY grateful to have her and your insecurities would be directed toward _her_ cheating. You wouldn't cheat to sooth your own insecurities... it doesn't even make sense.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

His explanation/stories are fishy. You totally bought his story hook line and sinker. Get tested for STDs. 

Anyway you can verify his stories? I think you are a bit naive (based on your posts) and believe him a little too much.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

I believe it when you say he's insecure. My insecurity was my reason for cheating in my first marriage. I hated being lied to and I was convinced I was being cheated on (even though I wasn't) this insecurity lead to me straying.
Insecurity is so powerful and goes so much deeper than just the basics of what you think. If you want to save your marriage, get him into individual counseling to see why he feels so badly about himself.

I mean it isn't like he fell in love behind your back. It seems like he's just trying to make himself feel better like a child would.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I did everything I could to avoid that person and tell my spouse what my thoughts were and how I could combat them.


Did you actually tell your husband that you were physically attracted to a particular person when this happened?

My wife will do this sometimes. She has no idea how hurtful this can be. I ignore it, but I could see how it might trigger some people who are, as you put it, beset by demons.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Yea I'm gonna call Bull on the couldn't have sex part. Probably damage control to try. I mean yea I tried to baby but I just couldn't. 
You need to get tested for STD's now. The craigslist ad's are basically where all the craigslist prostitutes went after craigslist shutdown the adult section of craigslist. 
Your WH was looking for hookers. That's exactly what he was doing. 

Get tested for STD's right now and don't believe another trickle truthing lie that comes out of that mans mouth. You need to have access to his craigslist account. You need to find out what email address he was using for is craigslist account. You need access to his phone and any and all forms of electronic communication he has.
I am sorry I know exactly what craigslist is used for (not personally) but hey I am a computer guy. 
Go look for yourself in the craigslist section see how many women say I am looking for a husband. Then look at how many say I am looking for some fun. I do sensual massage and we can have a good time. Translated I am a hooker and we'll talk prices in person.

If you wanna break into it the link in my signature is a link to an evidence gathering thread I started. It is a long thread but please read through it and ask questions. PM me if you have to.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Lady Betrayed said:


> I've been searching online for a place like this, wanting to find people in a similar situation and wanting to know I'm not alone. I just discovered that my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me, in kind of a unique way, I guess. From what I can see, he didn't have an emotional affair and while he was interested in having a physical affair, every time he tried to make that happen in person, he lost his nerve. So intermittently, for the last two years, he has been emailing people and talking to them on the phone about who knows what.
> 
> I have been completely blindsided by this. Our marriage was in no way unhappy, and he will attest to that still. He has said and continues to say that I am his "dream girl" and that he feels like he may never be able to forgive himself for hurting me like this. This is so hard for me to understand now. He and I were always together, the best of friends, very much in love, very active sex life. I am the opposite of frigid (very adventurous! so in love with him!), so it's especially hard for me to understand why he would cheat. He has some inner demons, as we all do, and instead of feeling like he could confide in me, he tried to suppress everything. That didn't turn out very well. I have been completely open with him and never even considered cheating. I have been in situations where people have been interested in me but since I valued my marriage over a temporary distraction, I never did anything that could be construed as inappropriate or encouraged that kind of behavior (or even flirted!). One of my mottos in life is "never mistake temptation for opportunity"! If I found myself thinking someone was attractive, I did everything I could to avoid that person and tell my spouse what my thoughts were and how I could combat them. Now I know that he felt very insecure and unsure of his position in my heart, not because of anything I did, but because of his own fears and insecurities and because of the attention that I have received from others.  I can understand his feeling that way, but I can't understand him doing what he did.
> 
> ...


So you always feared he would cheat on you and he cheated because he was insecure of guys hitting on you and that you eventually would cheat. Wow... you will get lots of advice here on TAM CWI forum, but both of your problems are beyond the amateurs that peruse this site. There is something hidden in both your backgrounds that requires some serious professional work. 

Hold off on kids, please. No sense dragging innocent victims into your tangled web of fears. 

I really don't know where to begin... I just recommend that you get some counseling (at least you say you are now, don't stop) and not from a paraprofessional but from someone with real credentials. The same goes for your WH. 

I wish you the best.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Lady Betrayed said:


> I've been searching online for a place like this, wanting to find people in a similar situation and wanting to know I'm not alone. I just discovered that my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me, in kind of a unique way, I guess. From what I can see, he didn't have an emotional affair and while he was interested in having a physical affair, every time he tried to make that happen in person, he lost his nerve. So intermittently, for the last two years, he has been emailing people and talking to them on the phone about who knows what.
> 
> I have been completely blindsided by this. Our marriage was in no way unhappy, and he will attest to that still. He has said and continues to say that I am his "dream girl" and that he feels like he may never be able to forgive himself for hurting me like this. This is so hard for me to understand now. He and I were always together, the best of friends, very much in love, very active sex life. I am the opposite of frigid (very adventurous! so in love with him!), so it's especially hard for me to understand why he would cheat. He has some inner demons, as we all do, and instead of feeling like he could confide in me, he tried to suppress everything. That didn't turn out very well. I have been completely open with him and never even considered cheating. I have been in situations where people have been interested in me but since I valued my marriage over a temporary distraction, I never did anything that could be construed as inappropriate or encouraged that kind of behavior (or even flirted!). One of my mottos in life is "never mistake temptation for opportunity"! If I found myself thinking someone was attractive, I did everything I could to avoid that person and tell my spouse what my thoughts were and how I could combat them. Now I know that he felt very insecure and unsure of his position in my heart, not because of anything I did, but because of his own fears and insecurities and because of the attention that I have received from others.  I can understand his feeling that way, but I can't understand him doing what he did.
> 
> ...



I have been through this plenty of times with my H. You are not alone. Don't worry. 

I can tell you are not at the stage that you are even remotely wanting to leave. Which is the stage that I am far passed. 
The question here is, are you willing to step up and tell him you are going to leave? and mean it?

My H loves me very much, has always expressed how perfect I am for him and as a person. He always tells me how compatible we are, etc. He is happy with what we have. We are very happy with our intimate life and in sync with each other. BUT.....he has a problem with sporadic cheating since we met. I never knew for a long time, but found out eventually, and then snowball cheating started. Because I stayed and didn't want to face the music and be strong, he continued to cheat. Denial is your worst enemy right now.

I wish I would have found this site 6 years ago. But unfortunately, I didn't think of it. and would I have truly listened? no probably not. I was very sure that he would see his wrongs and change on his own. Did he? no. So here I am.

If you don't want him to continue cheating, you MUST tell him that you are not standing for this. He must show what he's been doing, and come clean. If not, you are gone. Always tell him that. Over and over. He won't want to tell you anything. But remind him if he doesn't, you're done with him. If he says he's not showing you or telling you, then be on your way. 

You have to show how serious you are. If he is anything like my H (ultimately happy with you and your marriage) he won't want to lose you.


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## Lady Betrayed (Aug 14, 2012)

First, let me just thank everyone who read my post and responded. I really appreciate feeling less alone in this, and I'm glad to have your advice. Since there have been so many responses (a lot more than I would have thought!), I'll just try to respond in this.

I would like to say that my husband and our marriage is of paramount important to me, and *if* we can move past this, I want nothing more than that. Whatever has happened here, whether it is what he says, what (or more than) I fear or somewhere in between, I want to give him this one chance. Despite what he has done, I love him tremendously and know that we all can make terrible mistakes. He deserves this one chance and I will give him that.

I do have access to email accounts, Facebook, complete phone access, etc. I also have access to his pay stubs. His entire paycheck is directly deposited into my account, which he only has joint access. That has been the financial set up this whole time (his request from the beginning as he is not good with money). It would be nearly impossible for him to have a phone I don't know about. Not impossible, just nearly so. However, it's pretty obvious that he was using the phone I *do* know about. 

Unfortunately, immediately after I discovered this (about two weeks ago) he permanently deleted the email account associated with Craigslist before he made the decision to fully confess. I know it has been deleted because I saw the email address and messages sent to that address are bounced back undelivered. The Craigslist account is inaccessible to the best of my knowledge (he claims it was a random letters/numbers combination) and since he could only access it via his phone, he can no longer do that as I have set up controls that have completely removed access to his phone's internet browser and any ability to download apps of any kind.

I do think therapy is the best option for both of us. I have requested that he do that in the past and he always shut that idea down very quickly. Now he is quite enthusiastic about professional help (which tells me a LOT about how this is for him) and we have already met with a licensed therapist twice. I am continuing to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist on my own and he is very interested in seeing a professional on his own as well.

We are going to get tested for STDs on Monday together. I actually get tested every year, thanks to a doctor who has seen this kind if thing happen quite a lot, but I will still do this and want him to get tested as well.

Obviously, I have no intention of having children until this is resolved (if ever). We have been together for 7 years and purposely have not had a child yet (my wish, not his). I absolutely do not want to have a child under a situation like this and if that means I never have children (despite how sad that makes me), so be it.

We have been communicating very clearly throughout this ordeal. He has revealed a tremendous amount of detail (above and beyond what I knew from my friend), which I am not comfortable describing here. He came clean about 6 hours after me confronting him. At first, he tried to deny everything but the obvious. After I let him know that either he could tell me the truth and we would would *try* to work it out, with NO guarantee of success or he could leave and we would get a divorce... he decided to come clean. He has offered up his thoughts and feelings in ways he never has before. Before he feared being honest (and thus, vulnerable). Now he knows nothing else could suffice, and even now, it's not guaranteed to save him.

I know this is painful. It's likely that everyone here is here because of something terrible happening to them (being betrayed) or them doing something terrible (betraying). I am not comfortable demonizing anyone for anything. We are complex human beings, not cartoon characters. My husband wants to address the root cause of his infidelity. I believe it is a complex array of feelings and emotions and I believe him when he says it is anxiety-based. I also know it pains him terribly to have done this. He is a flawed human who loves me very much (despite what he has done) and he's isn't immune to the obvious pain I'm experiencing. I sincerely want to help him (along with myself), whether we stay together or not. I want his happiness as well as my own, and I'm not going to get that if I'm not trying to be compassionate and understanding, while still keeping my own needs in mind. As I stated above, he and I are terrific friends. If we weren't married and couldn't be together romantically, he and I both believe that we would be best friends. I couldn't have imagined the pain of this, but again, he deserves a chance to repair the damage that he has caused and our marriage deserves the chance to survive, and possibly thrive.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Listen to us please I hear you. Yes we are all human and we make mistakes. MY only fear from your last post is that your are rug sweeping this. There is a reason he deleted that email account. Before you could see it. This isn't the same humdrum PA he was looking for prostitutes. While he may have "come clean" without access to that old email which I think you can recover if you contact the email account provider within a certain time period. 

IMO I doubt you got the whole truth. I think you feel the same way but you are just trying to get past this. You seem like a very sweet woman. This isn't something to be sweet about. This is bad and I know you are hurting. I think there is a bigger secret here. I think that in pursuing R without knowing the full extent of the problem is a mistake. I think you are trying to railroad the process and that is dangerous. 
I only say this cause what you are saying about is echoed in the many stories about DDAY 2. I can't make this decision for you and I only hope you have made sure that this never happens again. 
Read the many stories of how long BS (you) were trickle truthed before everything finally came out. I am not trying to rain on your parade I am just looking out for your best interests.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Perhaps you already understand this, given that he's in couseling, etc.

But to make it painfully clear:

Trawling craigslist is the lowest of the low.

It is sex equivalent, in my opinion, of someone who shares needles.

I say this because even prostitutes have their standards, are better judges of character, and are more likely to use protection than the hapless posters on Craigslist.




Craigslist is his addiction, his drug. Just like any other addiction, you do not assume that someone 'gets over it' quickly or easily. A few counseling sessions and he may pronounce himself 'cured.' What that really means is, they were just starting to get deeply into the very hard stuff that therapy uncovers, it got way too unpleasant, and so he bailed.


I sincerely, sincerely hope his therapist is up to snuff. If it were me, he would be going to sex / porn addiction counselors, the very best out there. Nearly all porn addiction is now a point-and-click Internet addiction, so Craigslist stuff is quite similar. They are going to see through the excuses, lies and bullsh*t because that is what they are trained to do. Your average therapist is NOT equipped to handle this type of addiction. Even counselors trained in other addictions are not going to understand a technology-based addiction.


I wish you good luck.


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## Lady Betrayed (Aug 14, 2012)

Again, I really appreciate the advice, badbane. I believe you are trying to help me and I'm really thinking about what you're saying. If he was visiting prostitutes, we can recover from that, too, as long as it doesn't continue. Prostitutes are not my deal breaker, to be honest. We attempted to recover the email address but without any security features in place and without the password (random numbers/letters saved in a text file on the phone and deleted that same night), there was no way to do it. I know he covered his tracks well. And yes, that does look very bad. He has revealed something that he did that made him feel very ashamed, which might account for that level of secrecy, which is again, something I'm not discussing with anyone other than my husband, our marriage counselor or my therapist.

And if there is a second day of discovery, well, then I'm done. I have made that very clear and I mean it. I have family and friends that can help me through the difficult (but not impossible) process of divorce. When I say one chance, once chance is what I mean. I will certainly read through more of the threads on here and thanks again for the advice. I really do appreciate your honesty.


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## Lady Betrayed (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks, iheartlife. I appreciate what you're saying, and yes, Craigslist is the worst of the worst. I knew that before this point. The therapist we're seeing specializes in sexual addition, sex issues and couples counseling. I found her specifically because of these circumstances. We have signed up for 8 sessions and plan to do quite a few more than that. He already knows that for most people, therapy gets a lot harder, to the point where most people want to quit. He says he is committed. Either he stays committed to therapy or our marriage is over. I have already made that clear to him.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Lady Betrayed said:


> Again, I really appreciate the advice, badbane. I believe you are trying to help me and I'm really thinking about what you're saying. If he was visiting prostitutes, we can recover from that, too, as long as it doesn't continue. Prostitutes are not my deal breaker, to be honest. We attempted to recover the email address but without any security features in place and without the password (random numbers/letters saved in a text file on the phone and deleted that same night), there was no way to do it. I know he covered his tracks well. And yes, that does look very bad. He has revealed something that he did that made him feel very ashamed, which might account for that level of secrecy, which is again, something I'm not discussing with anyone other than my husband, our marriage counselor or my therapist.
> 
> And if there is a second day of discovery, well, then I'm done. I have made that very clear and I mean it. I have family and friends that can help me through the difficult (but not impossible) process of divorce.* When I say one chance, once chance is what I mean. *I will certainly read through more of the threads on here and thanks again for the advice. I really do appreciate your honesty.


You sound like although you are going through the wringer right now, that you still have your wits about you.

The part that I bolded is paramount. It is exactly what I told my wife, Regret214. She gets one shot. Period. It sounds like your husband, when confronted with what he did "came clean" with you. It's what badbane talked about when he described "trickle truth". If you read the first thread I started My Side of the Story, you will see what I'm talking about.

At this time, you need to educate yourself. Read the "newbie" thread in Almostrecovered's signature. It's a great place to start. This is going to be a long and difficult road. You have a right to ask as many questions as you want, and your husband must answer them all with full disclosure.

No less.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Can someone expand more on the craigslist issues....are you saying it's now mostly prostitutes? Years ago it was like a ebay of sorts..then I assumed mostly Nigerian scams?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> Can someone expand more on the craigslist issues....are you saying it's now mostly prostitutes? Years ago it was like a ebay of sorts..then I assumed mostly Nigerian scams?


I imagine, although obviously I have no direct experience (!!), that some prostitutes post on craigslist. But it's my understanding--which appears to be confirmed by numerous forum members who've posted about their partners' activities--that the personals section on Craigslist is for people seeking sex partners. Anyone with a computer can post for a particular city, give their description like they're selling a piece of meat (which I suppose they are). Then others can peruse the ads and then contact them.

Craigslist makes your email anonymous, so that interested parties click a link, their email software pops up a form, and then they can email the person who wrote the ad with that poster remaining anonymous. (However, based on my extensive experience selling gently used baby stuff on Craigslist rofl, the person responding to the ad does not get the same benefit, their email address is visible to the ad maker. Just thought I'd throw that out there in case someone got all excited and misunderstood how the craigslist anonymous emailing stuff works.)

The Nigerian scams come in various forms where money is requested upfront for merchandise. For example, a request will be made for shipping proof before money changes hands--which is obviously not the way transactions are supposed to work. I guess there might be some very gullible people out there who are paying upfront for "sex" on Craigslist. Not enough pity in the world for someone like that, unfortunately.


But, the reason I made that comment about lowest of the low, is that Craigslist is a conduit for people to get free sex by meeting the like-minded. So rather than taking up with a co-worker, or becoming too chummy with a neighbor, or even hiring a prostitute, people who trawl Craigslist are just taking a lucky stab in the dark that the other person is who they say they are and is actually interested in no-strings-attached sex rather than getting another notch in their serial-killer / rapist / sadist belt.

Someone who trawls Craigslist is also being OUTRAGEOUSLY selfish in that they are risking their own family with this type of contact with strangers. Again, a prostitute at flea-bag motel could give a rat's ass about your wife and children. Prostitutes are also far more in danger from their clients than TO their clients. Your average co-worker wants to do things like oh...keep their job and maintain their career status. Putting bullets in people's brains isn't in their economic self-interest. Same with many (although perhaps not ALL) of your neighbors, presumably.

Craigslist is someone waking up one day and throwing a dart at a board filled with names and saying, who will I have sex with today?


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I pray that that I sit across from my husband one day and he feels that the greatest gift he ever received was the one chance I gave him to rebuild our marriage together. I know I will feel like it was the greatest gift I could have ever given myself.

Good luck to you both. I hope it works out.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I imagine, although obviously I have no direct experience (!!), that some prostitutes post on craigslist. But it's my understanding--which appears to be confirmed by numerous forum members who've posted about their partners' activities--that the personals section on Craigslist is for people seeking sex partners. Anyone with a computer can post for a particular city, give their description like they're selling a piece of meat (which I suppose they are). Then others can peruse the ads and then contact them.
> 
> Craigslist makes your email anonymous, so that interested parties click a link, their email software pops up a form, and then they can email the person who wrote the ad with that poster remaining anonymous. (However, based on my extensive experience selling gently used baby stuff on Craigslist rofl, the person responding to the ad does not get the same benefit, their email address is visible to the ad maker. Just thought I'd throw that out there in case someone got all excited and misunderstood how the craigslist anonymous emailing stuff works.)
> 
> ...


Wow, I got an education. Sure I used CL, but only to sell and buy musical equipment. I don't even know where one would post these sorts of inquires (and I don't want to know). 

Off topic: so this is legal? wow. I know it is illegal to sell medical equipment and pets (adoptions with re-homing fees are common), got my beautiful Husky/Shepherd that way, but panning for sex with the "wink wink" that this is solicitation is legal? 

My final inputs are to continue support for the OP, I know there is some level of rug sweeping, but she is learning and appears to at least trying to put forth the effort she is able to at this point. I would say bond with loyal friends for both her and her husband (by loyal friends, I mean those that will hold you accountable). These friends need to know as much about the PA as both of you and they need to really have a concern for the long-term success of your marriage (if that is possible). In my situation, this has been the key to the success of my marriage. A couple that my wife and I are close with, but not BSers, they tell it like it is, and ask the hard questions in a loving way. We stay in contact at least once a week through Skype (we are in different states).


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Craigslist - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

the link takes you to the adult services controversy, which shut down prostitution being offered via CL. But obviously you can imagine a 'work-around.'


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## Lady Betrayed (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks, *SomedayDig* (and everyone else). I read your story. Five years is a long time. I wish you the best. Thanks for the other links, too. Today is a day where I don't know how you and everyone else trying to R is able to do it. It has just been a bad emotional day, I guess. I'd write more but I'm too heartbroken and exhausted today. I really don't know how to come back from this.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I imagine, although obviously I have no direct experience (!!), that some prostitutes post on craigslist. But it's my understanding--which appears to be confirmed by numerous forum members who've posted about their partners' activities--that the personals section on Craigslist is for people seeking sex partners. Anyone with a computer can post for a particular city, give their description like they're selling a piece of meat (which I suppose they are). Then others can peruse the ads and then contact them.
> 
> Craigslist makes your email anonymous, so that interested parties click a link, their email software pops up a form, and then they can email the person who wrote the ad with that poster remaining anonymous. (However, based on my extensive experience selling gently used baby stuff on Craigslist rofl, the person responding to the ad does not get the same benefit, their email address is visible to the ad maker. Just thought I'd throw that out there in case someone got all excited and misunderstood how the craigslist anonymous emailing stuff works.)
> 
> ...



Plenty of Fish is like this too


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## Lady Betrayed (Aug 14, 2012)

Reading these threads are utterly heartbreaking. It's enough to make a person want to just give up on having any kind of relationship at all. Human beings are messed up. I feel for each and every person here. What a terrible thing to bring people together.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Lady Betrayed said:


> Reading these threads are utterly heartbreaking. It's enough to make a person want to just give up on having any kind of relationship at all. Human beings are messed up. I feel for each and every person here. What a terrible thing to bring people together.


I don't know that that is the theme you should take away from the comments and advice given. To take from another famous saying, "it takes a village to keep a successful marriage". In other words, while many of us who are faceless individuals who have far less of a stake in your personal life, there must be some honest friends who you can call upon to help you through. 

Left to our own devices we are susceptible to our nefarious deeds, but the "tribe", folks who really care about us, are there to keep us as a tribe. 

Bring in others to the fold that will tell you and your H what you need to hear not what either of you want to hear. That would be a true friend. Don't give up on humanity just yet.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Lady Betrayed said:


> Thanks, *SomedayDig* (and everyone else). I read your story. Five years is a long time. I wish you the best. Thanks for the other links, too. Today is a day where I don't know how you and everyone else trying to R is able to do it. It has just been a bad emotional day, I guess. I'd write more but I'm too heartbroken and exhausted today. I really don't know how to come back from this.


It's an insane amount of time. It is a daunting prospect some days, too. You will have bad days, but you will soon have some good ones. 

It's kind of like my golf game. I'll stand there and hit a huge drive 260 yards. I'll hit a junk 2nd and 3rd shot, but then I'll chip the ball in the hole.

It makes me want to keep going back to the golf course.


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## Lady Betrayed (Aug 14, 2012)

I have talked to a couple of friends, but I don't know if I could say how much it has helped. WH is extremely jealous of my male friend (who has been helpful, but very... reserved. He's waiting to see what happens with the STD test) and I'm not completely sure that my female friend is even faithful to HER husband. Not good, I know. 

In addition to all that, my WH doesn't want to discuss this with anyone but me, our counselor, and if he gets an IC, that person, too. He's a secretive kind of guy (obviously!!) and I'm not sure if even the threat of divorce will get him talking to anyone else just yet. He doesn't have any real friends that he thinks he can talk to or trust. Just getting him to counseling was kind of an earth-shattering moment.  

Regardless, I'm trying to focus on me for now. I have some pretty solid short and long-term goals whether I stay married or not, but this crap is unbelievably hard. I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. Also, I feel like such a fool. But I guess everyone here knows how that feels already, huh?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Lady Betrayed said:


> I have talked to a couple of friends, but I don't know if I could say how much it has helped. WH is extremely jealous of my male friend (who has been helpful, but very... reserved. He's waiting to see what happens with the STD test) and I'm not completely sure that my female friend is even faithful to HER husband. Not good, I know.
> 
> In addition to all that, my WH doesn't want to discuss this with anyone but me, our counselor, and if he gets an IC, that person, too. He's a secretive kind of guy (obviously!!) and I'm not sure if even the threat of divorce will get him talking to anyone else just yet. He doesn't have any real friends that he thinks he can talk to or trust. Just getting him to counseling was kind of an earth-shattering moment.
> 
> Regardless, I'm trying to focus on me for now. I have some pretty solid short and long-term goals whether I stay married or not, but this crap is unbelievably hard. I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. Also, I feel like such a fool. But I guess everyone here knows how that feels already, huh?



The only fool right now is your H. But yes, sometimes we feel like such fools for wanting what we sometimes cannot have.. whether it's a stable marriage or whatever it may be. 

Hang in there, and know that we are all here if you need us.


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## Lady Betrayed (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks, *somethingelse*. I'll know more sometime soon. I'm trying to recover the email account (with his complete assistance) and now I'm just waiting. I don't know if we can ever move forward without knowing what's in that email account. STD test on Monday. I'm sure I'll post back here after that. Obviously, if they find anything in the test, he's gone.


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