# I dont know my marriage or husband anymore. I need help please, first post



## inrainbows (Aug 23, 2009)

Hello this is my first post here. Prepare for a long waffle I will try to be concise. 

My husband and I have been married 8 years. We started out mutually passionate, he has always been rather obsessive about me. He runs hot and cold though, he could go months and months without initiating sex (right from year 1 this is) and often seems to want me here all the time just so I am here, rather than interacting with him. We have been round and round in circles with me breaking down in tears after several months like this and him promising change. He always improves for a short while. He was certainly depressed a while ago but says he isnt now. I have finally got him to start seeing a counsellor but he seems remarkably unaware of his own actions so I doubt she can even help him. He probably cannot convey to her what he is really like as he seems totally ignorant of it. 

I do love him very much and there are many great things about him. He is loyal, caring, great around the house and usually very great with our child too. But after all these years of living with him like this I am so tired of it and him I just cant really summon any enthusiasm to try again. 

He is so gloomy and negative. If I suggest something his immediate response is a quick no or to point out why it isnt right or possible. But he does it as a knee jerk reaction, he hasnt actually thought it through, and usually when I continue to explain to him he realises I am right. It could be something very simple like we were building something together and I said "oh there is a hole here" and he jumped on that and said "no, no there isnt if you look you will see I fixed it" and I was saying "well yes but I am looking and there is a hole, please come look" and he will look then say "oh right that hole" but magnify that out to almost everything I say some days and I am so so so sick of it. I avoid confrontations now by doing everything I can alone because explaining everything to him makes me feel so weak and horrible. His default setting is that I dont know what I am talking about and I hate having to prove myself wrong all the time. 

And he always insists he is right about things he does not even know about! I have the flu and he was insisting I HAD been better a few days before and then got worse again. And several times I said to him "the sneezing etc got better, then worse but the rest remained the same" and he would not stop. Then 30 mins later we sat down to dinner and he brought it back up again "I know it was Wednesday you said you felt better because you said blah blah blah" then I pointed out to him the conversation actually happened Thursday BUT still would he PLEASE stop insisting he knew how my flu felt more than I did! He just badgers me so much and he is so negative. 

I am an enthusiastic person and I really want to be happy. He is so miserable. He spilled a drink on his side of the bed the other night and I was trying to make him see the lighter said and said giggling, "ah well it will help keep you cool as its so hot" and he had his head down and his arms braced on the bed and the look on his face, it was like someone just told him he had terminal cancer or something. 

I love him and do want to make things work but I just cant summon up the energy anymore. I wish he wouldnt be so pompous, badgering and negative. I wish he was fun to be around. I wish he would lighten up a bit. It just feels like he is gone most of the time or I have a version of him to live with that I go through the motions of running an adult life with but as a person, as a relationship I dont really enjoy him. He is very proud of me, and praises me a lot and supports my work but its almost like those are words, and in actions I am finding him so unpleasant when I really dont want to. 

I probably havent explained it very well but its such a big issue its hard to get it all in one post. I really really need some help. I am so lonely and upset and confused. Some people have said he is emotionally abusive to me but that doesnt quite seem to fit. He is a very loyal, loving, single minded man who I know loves me but I think there is something psychologically wrong with him and it is hurting me too much after 8 years.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

what do you mean he is a single minded man?

I've never heard that before.


http://www.thefreedictionary.com/single-mindedness

if this is the case... what is his mind fixed on?


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## inrainbows (Aug 23, 2009)

he just ultimately cares about our family. his needs are pretty simple.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

How easy is he to talk to? Does he get angry if you try to talk with him about his feelings? Also, are you approachable? What I mean, is, if he comes to you with a problem that he has with you, do you get upset or angered easily? Or, do you listen to his problem and try to understand why he feels that way? Basically, how is the communication? Is it one-sided as in you talk and he always just listens or is the conversation shared?


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## inrainbows (Aug 23, 2009)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> How easy is he to talk to? Does he get angry if you try to talk with him about his feelings? Also, are you approachable? What I mean, is, if he comes to you with a problem that he has with you, do you get upset or angered easily? Or, do you listen to his problem and try to understand why he feels that way? Basically, how is the communication? Is it one-sided as in you talk and he always just listens or is the conversation shared?


I think we both listen and talk but we just never get anywhere. And he insists on looking at each incident as a one off isolated incident rather than seeing the whole picture. It isnt like a huge blow its like a constant chipping away. He will often acknowledge being rude or hurtful or dismissive to me but say "well it was just then because..." then insert reason normally any stress he is experiencing. He always says he is like this (in a bad mood etc) because of stress in our lives but the thing is there is stress in everyone's life you cant just go through life being miserable.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

inrainbows said:


> I think we both listen and talk but we just never get anywhere. And he insists on looking at each incident as a one off isolated incident rather than seeing the whole picture. It isnt like a huge blow its like a constant chipping away. He will often acknowledge being rude or hurtful or dismissive to me but say "well it was just then because..." then insert reason normally any stress he is experiencing. He always says he is like this (in a bad mood etc) because of stress in our lives but the thing is there is stress in everyone's life you cant just go through life being miserable.


I agree, no one can go through life just being miserable. I have a problem with anger that gets the better of me in arguments between my wife and myself. But, it's anger out of frustration because I have explained the same thing to her 10 different ways and she still can't or doesn't want to understand. So, I usually pop-off at the mouth, which isn't good and I've gotten a lot better at it. It does seem to me that your husband needs counseling. He needs to meet with someone from the medical community to determine if he is suffering from clinical depression. If he is, then that explains almost everything he is doing and there is medication out there to help with that. Also, is there anything you can think of that you've done or he's said that you've done, or that you continue to do, that would cause him to act this way? If it's clinical depression then there really is no one to blame, not him or yourself.


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