# Good Morning / Confused. A Brand New Poster



## Newadventure19 (Nov 2, 2017)

Good morning, 

I have read marriage threads but this is my first time posting (just joined this morning). I wanted to get some advice on my current marriage situation. I have been with my wife for just about 7 years. 

I found out accidentally (about 2 weeks after we were married) that my wife had an emotional affair. It did not turn physical from what I can see but obviously it had a negative impact on our relationship moving forward. We did work through it with counselling etc but it seems as though every year a major incident happens where trust is broken and I catch her in a lie. 

I have recently found out yet another lie just recently (racy communications with a man at work). Some lies are very minor and some tend to be more serious. My reactions when she tells the truth are very calm even if it is bad news. I really try just to stick to the facts and articulate how I feel without any dramatics. 

I am on marriage #2 and I have to the best of my ability treated her very well. There has been no infidelity on my part nor have I lied about anything since we have been together. I have done my best to ensure that I do not repeat any mistakes from my first marriage (I always strive to be better). I do not even ever raise my voice and I try to talk things out. 

I very much love my wife and I have tried to work through the trust issues but I am a mess. I feel constant anxiety and it feels like the lying is almost compulsive regardless if it is a major or minor situation. I was curious to see if anyone has dealt with this and the best way to proceed? I would be devastated if this did not work but I am trying to be as rational as possible. 

I feel very weak for staying in the relationship and I wish I could find the strength to move on. 

Thank you.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I don't think you are being as rational as you would believe yourself to be. If this is the second affair attempt you caught her in, and you say she seemingly does something to break your trust every year: why does she deserve your feelings?

I think the best way to proceed is to divorce if your finances allow, whether or not you think you have the strength to. If you need help, there's counseling or you can just blab about it on these forums.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What consequences has she faced for her cheating actions?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I am a two time divorcee, and let me tell you, your patience for this **** should be at almost zero. We all know divorce is hard, but it's better than living in constant anguish. If you can't trust her, gtfo.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

so if i understand this....you have been married for 7 years and each year thus far you catch her having an in appropriate discussion with men, you don't raise your voice, but you tell her how bad you feel......i get your trying to be a better husband but i don't see where she is trying to be a better wife....she clearly does not respect the marriage nor you because she keeps doing it...there are no repercussions on your part, so there is no incentive for her to stop...there is clearly no transparency on her part. Honestly how far do you want to take this to get addressed.

perhaps you can tell us a couple things if you can...is this the second marriage for her, and if so why did her first marriage fail....does she have a history of cheating while you were dating? what kind of communication is she saying, is there any indication that she wants to have sex with them?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your W is a serial cheater. Further, you may know of 2 EA. There is probably more.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You discovered her in an EA just two weeks after being married? And this type of behavior has been happening for all of your marriage? Lord help you if you have not figure it yet. Obviously you did not learn much from your first marriage, other than becoming a disrespected doormat. 

There's not much to gather about your wife from your post, but you need to start to wonder why she married you; Obviously it was not because she's in love with you. After only two weeks of marriage she was already not loving you. So OP what is she getting out of you? Money, security, position, or what, because it is not love. You on the other hand need to grow a pair and be a man. This marriage is way overdue for a divorce. Have some respect to yourself, get the balls back, and stop being afraid. Get back to be the man you once were before your first marriage (by this I only mean get back into alpha mode) not the ****ty behavior you had, and carry on. Just say NEXT and try one more time with a younger better looking hotty that would want you.


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## Newadventure19 (Nov 2, 2017)

Thank you for responding. This is her first marriage and in fact her first serious relationship (she was a serial dater). The correspondence is sexual flirting but to the best of my knowledge at this point it has not become sexual. I had not seen evidence previously of her emotionally or physically cheating but given that it occurred 2 weeks after we were married it is very evident it had started while we were engaged.


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## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

Emotional affair + geographic vicinity = she's banging these guys


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Newadventure19 said:


> Thank you for responding. This is her first marriage and in fact her first serious relationship (she was a serial dater). The correspondence is sexual flirting but to the best of my knowledge at this point it has not become sexual. I had not seen evidence previously of her emotionally or physically cheating but given that it occurred 2 weeks after we were married it is very evident it had started while we were engaged.



and every time you catch her what does she say? is there remorse or damn i'm just sorry you caught me?


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## Newadventure19 (Nov 2, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> and every time you catch her what does she say? is there remorse or damn i'm just sorry you caught me?


Most of the time, she will deny it existed and that I made it up in my head and that I am insecure etc... then when I show her evidence it flips usually to it being my fault. We have done some MC but the reality is that she does not take responsibility and typically will blame me for it.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I really don't think it matters how much you love her. It isn't going to work.

Maybe things will work out in your third marriage!


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Newadventure19 said:


> Good morning,
> 
> I have read marriage threads but this is my first time posting (just joined this morning). I wanted to get some advice on my current marriage situation. I have been with my wife for just about 7 years.
> 
> ...


Why do you want to EVEN look at this person let alone get in bed with them???


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## Newadventure19 (Nov 2, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> Why do you want to EVEN look at this person let alone get in bed with them???


I know...I have lost my confidence as this is very difficult on the self esteem.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Newadventure19 said:


> Most of the time, she will deny it existed and that I made it up in my head and that I am insecure etc... then when I show her evidence it flips usually to it being my fault. We have done some MC but the reality is that she does not take responsibility and typically will blame me for it.


So her response has been blame shifting you, no remorse, no responsibility, no repercussion from you....you don't have the strength to divorce her...honestly you don't have any cards at the table, i'm not sure what your asking....you truied MC, and she keeps blaming you for cheating.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Newadventure19 said:


> I know...I have lost my confidence as this is very difficult on the self esteem.


You said you are trying to be "rational"

Living with and loving someone who undermines you to your very core- your being- is not a "rational" action on your part for Newadventure.

Newadventure needs to take back your self esteem and your mind/body/soul- and at the very least respect yourself.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

It sounds like you have been too passive and she doesn?t respect you. She?s out of control buddy.
Women respond when their husband raises their voice to them, it?s nature. Don?t do it unless it?s serious, but she needs to know that she shouldn?t anger.
Leave before she destroys you. You already said you feel weak. She is doing that to you. She doesn?t deserve a nice husband like you. She needs the aggressive man who will put her in her place when she?s out of control and that?s not who you are. Let her go man. You deserve a faithful and loving wife who deserves your kindness.


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## Newadventure19 (Nov 2, 2017)

JayDee7 said:


> It sounds like you have been too passive and she doesn?t respect you. She?s out of control buddy.
> Women respond when their husband raises their voice to them, it?s nature. Don?t do it unless it?s serious, but she needs to know that she shouldn?t anger.
> Leave before she destroys you. You already said you feel weak. She is doing that to you. She doesn?t deserve a nice husband like you. She needs the aggressive man who will put her in her place when she?s out of control and that?s not who you are. Let her go man. You deserve a faithful and loving wife who deserves your kindness.


Thank you JayDee7.... I think you are absolutely correct. Being the nice guy has not helped and I don't want to change who I am so it is just about the courage to leave.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife lies all the time.

However, I have her on an electronic leash. I read all her emails and text messages. I control what color T-shirt she wears, and how long she walks the dog.

Sometimes when a person has an illness, you have to meet it head on. You cannot be naive and weak. You are being weak.

But I don't think your wife is committed to your marriage, so you have a different problem than her lying. Your wife is constantly making herself sexually available to other men, and even encouraging them. Certainly what you have seen is only the tip of the iceberg.

Get a phone which matches hers and set it up to receive all her text messages at the same time she gets hers. Do this as she watches you set it up. Then put an app on her phone to lock it down so she cannot use anything but the apps you authorize and place on it. In my case my wife has an iPhone and I set up an iPad to receive all her text messages. I inspect her phone regularly, as in more than once a day.

Make certain she has no money to pay for another phone!

I used to keep my wife on a very tight budget. Now I let her have as much as 20 dollars at a time. But she has to account to me for every penny spent.

But we do all this, and more, because my wife is sick. She has a mental illness and this is how we handle it. She is fully on board with these control measures.

Your wife isn't sick, though. She is just a ****.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Newadventure19 said:


> Thank you for responding. This is her first marriage and in fact her first serious relationship (she was a serial dater). The correspondence is sexual flirting but to the best of my knowledge at this point it has not become sexual. I had not seen evidence previously of her emotionally or physically cheating but given that *it occurred 2 weeks after we were married it is very evident it had started while we were engaged*.


It seems you were engaged, she was still the serial dater.

Maybe she didn't get the memo.

This won't end well.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Just do it.

Your not happy and shes a serial cheater.

Its ok to move on and you will be fine.!

Start a plan. Save up some cash and start getting your ducks lines up. Read up on divorce. 

Start exercising eating better. Do some of your hobbies and don't get her knocked up.

Sex...hmm be selfish sexually if you even want to hit it anymore. Ask for bj if she says no then say never mind and act pi$$ed . 


Then pull the trigger and file


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

This is very straightforward and to some degree, you are lucky that she has shown you who she really is.

You need to drop her immediately and start working on yourself.

She is a cheater - serial, parallel whatever! Get yourself out of there asap.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Newadventure19 said:


> Most of the time, she will deny it existed and that I made it up in my head and that I am insecure etc... then when I show her evidence it flips usually to it being my fault. We have done some MC but the reality is that she does not take responsibility and typically will blame me for it.


Straight out of the cheaters handbook. You noted your W was a serial cheater. Ummmm....it appears your W never quit the habit.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

I've known women like your wife, OP. They can be very, very loyal..........to multiple dudes at the same time. I mean, they won't reveal the identity of them, they'll deny they exist. Hell, they'll even let you go crazy trying to figure it all out. They're amongst the very worst type you can commit to. True POS. Bail ASAP.


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## Newadventure19 (Nov 2, 2017)

TAM2013 said:


> I've known women like your wife, OP. They can be very, very loyal..........to multiple dudes at the same time. I mean, they won't reveal the identity of them, they'll deny they exist. Hell, they'll even let you go crazy trying to figure it all out. They're amongst the very worst type you can commit to. True POS. Bail ASAP.


That is very true.... She even tried to convince our MC (and almost had the MC convinced) that I made it up until I produced the evidence. This is very unfortunate as I have given everything I had to try and make this marriage successful.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

What more could you have done? Been less nice? It would only have prolonged it. She'll be the same to the next dude.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Newadventure19 said:


> ... I have given everything I had to try and make this marriage successful.


Sadly, your wife has not reciprocated in giving it her all to make the marriage work. It takes two people to maintain such a relationship. It sounds like your wife is quite busy maintaining other on-the-side relationships. I also get the feeling you may be hesitant to cut your losses because you would have not one, but two failed marriages. Don't look at this as your failure as a husband. But it does sound like you may have made an unwise decision in picking this woman as spouse #2 from the get-go.

Your wife is lying to you because it works. Even after you give her the hard evidence, she turns it back around on you. There are NO real consequences for her actions/behaviors. And, as long as she knows that, she will continue like this.

After all you have uncovered about her, aren't you a little angry? Because it sounds like anger just may be the catalyst you need to set boundaries as to what you will and will not tolerate. I don't see what there is to be confused about here. She lies, she plays slap-and-tickle with other men, and you aren't kicking her to curb for her indiscretions. Thus far, she's had carte blanche to mess around without paying the price. At this point in the game, it would behoove you to get hot under the collar and inform her she either stops this nonsense or you'll be meeting with an attorney. JMO.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Newadventure19 said:


> Most of the time, she will deny it existed and that I made it up in my head and that I am insecure etc... *then when I show her evidence it flips usually to it being my fault*. We have done some MC but the reality is that she does not take responsibility and typically will blame me for it.


That's typical behaviour of someone like your wife. DV abusers do that too - "she drove me to it", "she made me do it", "if she hadn't done <insert imaginary offence> I wouldn't have to hit her".

Um. NO. Your wife CHOSE to do this. If you weren't meeting her needs she had the choice of either talking to you about it, or ending the marriage. She chose to cheat - an EA is still cheating.

Divorce her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ah, yes. Your lady picker is indeed broken.

It is stuck on New Adventure.

Flip your picker over.

Remove the edge screws. You will need a Torx Star bit, usually a T-10 size.

After all the screws are out, gently pry off the back.

Inside you will find a rotary selector switch. Set it for position #3.

Number three automatically eliminates the bad qualities that wives #1 and #2 had.

Now here comes the tricky part. You will need a magnifying glass and a sensitive Volt Meter for this adjustment. 

You will need to adjust pot #1. It is very small. You will need a very small jewelers flat blade screw driver. Careful that you do not short any circuit board items in doing this adjustment.

The women you have been picking likely have the hot tamale setting for their VJ.

I suspect you need to turn this down a tad.

Not too much, just a bit. With your Volt Meter probes placed on Test Point 2 and TP 6, turn the voltage down to 7.8 Volts DC.

The picker will now select women who are warm in bed but who will not overheat when you are not around.

This is a critical adjustment. If you get it wrong the results are so painful.

Too hot, they cheat, too cold they are frigid.

Here's the thing. Error on the side of warm. If she seems to heat up too much when you are away, make her go panty less. That will air-cool her tadpole until you can get her temperature under control with your cool swizzel stick.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Newadventure19 said:


> Thank you for responding. This is her first marriage and in fact her first serious relationship (she was a serial dater). The correspondence is sexual flirting but to the best of my knowledge at this point it has not become sexual. I had not seen evidence previously of her emotionally or physically cheating but given that it occurred 2 weeks after we were married it is very evident it had started while we were engaged.


There is NO PLACE in a marriage for sexual flirting outside the marriage. Those boundaries should be up to protect the marriage --- flirting shows a blatant disrespect for the partner, and shows it to everyone who sees the flirting. She hasn't faced any consequences of this, so she continues. She will be blaming YOU for the issue (typical cheater script).


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Everyone is right. Cut your losses your wife is defective. People like your wife are emotionally retarded and just not the type of people you should marry. They just don't have it in them to be good spouses.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Newadventure19 said:


> Thank you for responding. This is her first marriage and in fact her first serious relationship (she was a serial dater). The correspondence is sexual flirting but to the best of my knowledge at this point it has not become sexual. I had not seen evidence previously of her emotionally or physically cheating but given that it occurred 2 weeks after we were married it is very evident it had started while we were engaged.


She is still a serial dater/cheater. 

Not good marriage material. Sorry


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Having a hard time believing you stayed after catching her two weeks after the wedding.


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## Newadventure19 (Nov 2, 2017)

ABHale said:


> Having a hard time believing you stayed after catching her two weeks after the wedding.


I know. The saving grace at that time was that she turned down the physical affair at the time however now I know it was crazy to let this continue.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Newadventure19 said:


> I know. *The saving grace at that time was that she turned down the physical affair *at the time however now I know it was crazy to let this continue.


And to you a PA was worse than an EA. A lot of people feel the reverse is true.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

You know what needs to be done

So do it


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Newadventure19 said:


> I know. The saving grace at that time was that she turned down the physical affair at the time however now I know it was crazy to let this continue.


So that makes her a saint.....look cheat is cheat ....there is no gray area, you aren't a little pregnant....i will be honest with you, the problem is not with her anymore its with you...she is a known element....she will not stop doing it, and your just taking it and being blamed for it..take it or leave it, after all its your life, if you don't have enough respect for yourself that is your business and we both know that she obviously doesn't have enough respect fro you either....

But hey your not really going anywhere so can i make a recommendation...i would start playing with her mind...i would purposely go on to craiglist, match, you name it and leave them open for her to see that you going there, i know you don't feel comfortable actually doing anything but i would leave it purposely for her to find and watch the fireworks, here is the thing with cheaters...there is only one room in the family for cheaters for the most part...in her mind its okay for her to cheat but not you ,...your her property....so when she finds them you might want to let her know that if she can do it so can you and see what she says, tell her you blame her for you doing this. Just maybe she will get so mad so will file and then your off the hook because brother that is the only way you are leaving this marriage...that or a pine box.


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## Newadventure19 (Nov 2, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> So that makes her a saint.....look cheat is cheat ....there is no gray area, you aren't a little pregnant....i will be honest with you, the problem is not with her anymore its with you...she is a known element....she will not stop doing it, and your just taking it and being blamed for it..take it or leave it, after all its your life, if you don't have enough respect for yourself that is your business and we both know that she obviously doesn't have enough respect fro you either....
> 
> But hey your not really going anywhere so can i make a recommendation...i would start playing with her mind...i would purposely go on to craiglist, match, you name it and leave them open for her to see that you going there, i know you don't feel comfortable actually doing anything but i would leave it purposely for her to find and watch the fireworks, here is the thing with cheaters...there is only one room in the family for cheaters for the most part...in her mind its okay for her to cheat but not you ,...your her property....so when she finds them you might want to let her know that if she can do it so can you and see what she says, tell her you blame her for you doing this. Just maybe she will get so mad so will file and then your off the hook because brother that is the only way you are leaving this marriage...that or a pine box.


I am in Canada and it is basically no fault divorce so I am going to prepare myself emotionally (I have heard of the 180 and I will be doing that right away) and financially to take the next step.


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