# My wife hates my 10 yr old from previous marriage!



## Frostfield (Nov 22, 2015)

It's an awful situation. We have a 4 year old son together or I'd leave so fast she'd never know that I was ever there. Counseling isn't working. My wife is mean and cruel. What do?


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

What specifically makes you think she hates him? Does she say she hates him or does she act like she hates him? What does she say or do? What is your best guess as to why the counseling isn't working?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Why do you say your wife hates your child? Can you be more specific?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

How old are you and your wife? How long have you been married? Please give an example of your wife's actions that led you to believe that she hates your 10 year old from a previous marriage. Is your child a son or a daughter?


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## Frostfield (Nov 22, 2015)

It's my daughter. My wife has been mean to her off and on for the 5 years we've been married. My daughter doesn't like to be around her (I don't blame her) and now my wife, like a child, has doubled down on her actions. She won't initiate any conversation. Talks down to her and is very harsh. Once we were explaining the importance of dental hygiene and she told my 8 year old at the time she hoped her teeth rotted out. My wife said she is miserable when my daughter is here ?


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## Frostfield (Nov 22, 2015)

We are late 30s


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Frostfield said:


> . Counseling isn't working.


what does the counselor say? Is your wife truthful with the counselor?



Frostfield said:


> Once we were explaining the importance of dental hygiene and she told my 8 year old at the time she hoped her teeth rotted out.


sometimes kids are hateful to the stepmom on the sly. Is there any way your daughter could be pulling a parent trap and doing things to the stepmom that you don't see? It's common for children of divorce to sabotage relationships because they want their parents back together.

how is she with your 4 year old? would you describe her as a good mother in that case? The evil stepmother type tend to overly spoil their own natural children. Does she expect the same standards from both kids?

p.s. when my girls (7 and 3 1/2) refuse to obey and brush their teeth, i too say, "well then i hope your teeth rot out". I don't actually hope their teeth rot out. I hope that my dire warning will motivate them to brush without it being necessary to pin them down and do it for them. I love my kids, and i don't think anyone would describe me as mean to them. Even if they heard me say this.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Sorry your fault. The minuet you saw your wife acting in that kind of manner towards your daughter is when you should have stepped in and let her know that it's unacceptable and not to do it again.

Your current wife knew you had a daughter and she accepted it. There isn't any excuse for that kind of talking to your kid. Just remember friend that your blood courses through your daughters veins. She is your top priority. She didn't ask to be born but she's here and your her dad and she relies on you so you damn well better open your mouth and say something PDQ before it's too late. You should know as an adult that your kids come first.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

1. You're not listening to your wife.

2. You're making more out of what she says than it actually is. Read the last paragraph of sixty-eight's post.

3. You're allowing your daughter to be disrespectful.

4. Your daughter is a brat, and you don't bother to parent her to give her consequences.

5. Your therapist is an idiot and not familiar with step family dynamics. Many people have to go through 2 or 3 therapists to find a good one or to find a good fit. You need a counselor that specializes in step families.

6. This is on you. Stop blaming your wife.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CarlaRose said:


> 1. You're not listening to your wife.
> 
> 2. You're making more out of what she says than it actually is. Read the last paragraph of sixty-eight's post.
> 
> ...



A lot of bio parents parent out of guilt after a divorce, especially if they don't have primary custody. Their angel can run wild and act like a spoiled brat because "they've been through a lot".

That leaves step parent to be the bad guy, especially if the kid is nasty to them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

She knew you had your daughter before you got married, she should never say she is miserable when your daughter is there.She is jealous of her and resents the fact that she even exist. You need to tell her asap that her attitude will no longer be tolerated, if she does not accept your daughter then she no longer accepts you.

Pretty soon your daughter will not want to come over and visit anymore surprised she is not that way now, or has told her mom what is going on. You really need to step up for her and protect her from your wife, soon your son will treat her bad as well. She does not deserve that when she is there to spend time with her dad.

I wish you luck.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

If your daughter isn't being disrespectful towards your wife and your wife just hates your daughter for no reason you have to protect your daughter and if that means leaving your wife you might have to do that. Wives come and go (as you know because you are on your second) but your daughter will always be your daughter and if you don't protect her know you will forever have a strained relationship with her. She will blame you.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

i really think we need more information before we judge exactly what is going on. You need to care for both/all of them, that's what family is. Blaming your wife and siding with your daughter will alienate your wife and likely your other child. You have equal responsibility to the mother of your second child. Siding with your wife will cut off your relationship from your daughter. I assume you desire neither of these scenarios. I checked for other posts and this is the only one. The only example of the alleged meanness was the dental hygiene talk, so there could very well be a lot more to the story. The daughter and the wife are equally plausible as the instigator of all the aggression. I would expect more of an agent for change in your wife though, as the adult in this scenario.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

He did say his wife told him she is miserable when is daughter is there.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Lostme said:


> He did say his wife told him she is miserable when is daughter is there.


I would be miserable if i had an antagonistic step daughter who was hiding her poor behavior from her father and making me look like the bad guy. Tell me how you would feel with a step child who interferes in the marriage and tries to pit you and her parent against each other? It's why i asked if the girl could be tormenting step mom and/or little brother when OP is not around, or when she knows dad will be home soon to see step mom blow up after instigation all day, it's a classic scenario.

alternately, it's just as likely that she is an evil step mom, treating her kid nicely and step kid poorly. It happens. However, if step mom is doing this, it's usually on the sly, not right in front of dad. That's a tell that it could possibly be the daughter.


Trouble is, there are too many possible scenarios.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

sixty-eight said:


> i really think we need more information before we judge exactly what is going on. You need to care for both/all of them, that's what family is. Blaming your wife and siding with your daughter will alienate your wife and likely your other child. You have equal responsibility to the mother of your second child. Siding with your wife will cut off your relationship from your daughter. I assume you desire neither of these scenarios. I checked for other posts and this is the only one. The only example of the alleged meanness was the dental hygiene talk, so there could very well be a lot more to the story. The daughter and the wife are equally plausible as the instigator of all the aggression. I would expect more of an agent for change in your wife though, as the adult in this scenario.


This is really too bad. Based on your first post, I rather thought you knew what you were talking about. But I was sadly mistaken. This is not a situation to weigh both sides. And it definitely is not a situation to blame the wife "as the adult in this scenario." Everything you stated is the problem in step families and what has the OP completely torn. But he shouldn't be torn. He should be parenting his daughter, but he's too guilty and too fearful to do that. Too busy feeling sorry for the poor child of divorce and too afraid the kid won't want to visit him if he actually does any real parenting. 

That's the way it goes 90 percent of the time. Usually, stepmoms start out excited and happy to accept her stepchildren, but the dad/husband makes it impossible because he is afraid to take sides against his kids and make them behave. You said yourself in your first post that "sometimes kids are hateful to the stepmom on the sly." That is exactly what happens MOST of the time and is what has happened in THIS case. And the more they get away with from being so slick and sly, the worse they get as time goes on. This kid has gotten on his wife's very last nerve. 

What also happens is not only does the husband disrespect his wife by allowing his bratty kid(s) to disrespect her, but most stepmoms feel like non-entities when the step kids are there because suddenly she is not worthy of his attention or affection when his kids are around. He gives all his love and attention to his kids and ignores his wife if not totally mistreats her in front of his children. This is also a very common complaint among step moms.

The only thing this guy's wife is guilty of is blaming the child and disliking the child's presence in her home. For some strange reasons, stepmoms ALWAYS blame the kids. That's easy to do since it's the kids who are acting so horrible, but it is misplaced blame and aggression because it is ALL the husband's fault. If he parented his children and didn't treat his wife like a second class citizen in his children's presence, there wouldn't be any problems, or at least an extreme few by comparison. I don't know why stepmoms always blame the kids and end up disliking the kids. Any adult should realize that kids will do everything they can get away with. In most step families where the wife/girlfriend is the step parent, kids escalate and ramp up the disrespect and misbehavior because it's so easy to get away with everything knowing dad never does anything about it. But the women blame the kids for very normal and expected misbehavior, when the father/husband is the one they SHOULD blame. But that never happens for some strange and very stupid reason. Even after it is pointed out to them, they may understand their misplaced blame, but the aggression is never properly directed. They continue to dislike the kids, if not totally hate them, but they don't dislike their husband/boyfriend for disrespecting them and allowing his children to be disrespectful. It's the weirdest and most senseless thing I've ever seen, but, again, that's the way it normally goes.

All of these are the reasons the wife "is miserable" when his kids are there.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

CarlaRose said:


> This is really too bad. Based on your first post, I rather thought you knew what you were talking about. But I was sadly mistaken. This is not a situation to weigh both sides. And it definitely is not a situation to blame the wife "as the adult in this scenario." Everything you stated is the problem in step families and what has the OP completely torn. But he shouldn't be torn. He should be parenting his daughter, but he's too guilty and too fearful to do that. Too busy feeling sorry for the poor child of divorce and too afraid the kid won't want to visit him if he actually does any real parenting.
> 
> That's the way it goes 90 percent of the time. Usually, stepmoms start out excited and happy to accept her stepchildren, but the dad/husband makes it impossible because he is afraid to take sides against his kids and make them behave. You said yourself in your first post that "sometimes kids are hateful to the stepmom on the sly." That is exactly what happens MOST of the time and is what has happened in THIS case. And the more they get away with from being so slick and sly, the worse they get as time goes on. This kid has gotten on his wife's very last nerve.
> 
> ...


I don't think *any* of us can know what is going on in this scenario. Not until the OP gives us more information. What if the girl is mentally disabled or autistic? What if the little brother is spoiled to all heck? What if OP's ex is manipulating or abusive? Any of those will change everything, and completely change the advice i would give to OP.

But we do know that OP has a daughter, a baby mama or an ex of some sort, and a current wife with whom he has a son. That his wife has confided to the op that she is miserable when the stepdaughter is around, and that whatever the wife is doing, she's right out front with it. That some of them are in counseling, and that it isn't working.

From that i gather that this is a very beat down child with an outrageously evil step mom, or that the daughter is working covertly and the wife is being a little juvenile in retaliating. 

However, rarely is a 10 year old capable of the sabatoge level necessary to make a grown woman: "*mean to her off and on for the 5 years* we've been married. My daughter doesn't like to be around her *(I don't blame her) She won't initiate any conversation. Talks down to her and is very harsh*" 5 years means the girl was 5 years old initially. Either this woman is blatant and unapologetic about her mistreatment of an innocent kid, or the daughter is capable of adult level manipulation.

I didn't "blame the wife as the adult in this scenario." I said I expected the wife to be a grown up. I said she should be *an agent for change*. This means that if things are going to get better, it needs to start with both OP and wife working together to make things change. To expect a child to make the first step toward making thing better is not sensible.

The way you are filling in details makes me think you might have a similar personal experience that you are letting color your advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would like to chime in here, but until Frostfield returns and gives us more detail, there is very little to respond to beyond what has already been said.

We really need more examples of both what sort of disrespectful things the 10 year old does towards the step mother and more examples of mean things that the step mother does.

This is a situation where I really wish that Mrs. Frostfield would join TAM and give us her side of the story.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Frostfield said:


> It's my daughter. My wife has been mean to her off and on for the 5 years we've been married. My daughter doesn't like to be around her (I don't blame her) and now my wife, like a child, has doubled down on her actions. She won't initiate any conversation. Talks down to her and is very harsh. Once we were explaining the importance of dental hygiene and she told my 8 year old at the time she hoped her teeth rotted out. *My wife said she is miserable when my daughter is here *?


Does she say why she is miserable when she is there?

I had three step daughters in my first marriage that we had custody of. Two of them were wonderful, but the oldest? OMG she pushed my buttons and stabbed me in the back every chance she had. Her antics I could handle, she was a kid. But what I could not handle was how my husband favored her over her sisters and me. 

She did some big (IMO) things like physically hurting her sisters and stealing and lying. But as a step mother, what drove me over the edge was the relentless barrage of little things. I got the clear message that he may have married me but I would never come first.

Here are a few examples. They may sound like no big deal to the birth parent, but to the step parent who is already feels somewhat like an interloper, they really wear on you:

1. She got in trouble and HE grounded her when it was school shopping time. I took her two sisters shopping and spent a moderate amount of money on clothes for them. A couple days later I get a call at work from them - they came home to a note from daddy that he had taken their sister shopping and to do their homework. He spent more on her than I did the other two combined. So for getting in trouble, her reward was a special shopping trip alone with daddy and lavished with anything she wanted.

2. When we had adult friends over she would always join us and dominate the conversation (she was about 11 or 12 at the time) and I didn't like it because I wanted to hang out with adults, not children, and often the conversation was not appropriate for her. So we discussed, in advance of a get together, that it was an adult gathering, the kids were to get their food then make themselves scarce. But once company came she dominated the conversation again right in front of her father, who simply smiled like, isn't she adorable?

3. We had a fruit tree and the kids had picked all the fruit but one while they were too green to eat. I was talking with her and her dad about how I was so looking forward to some of the fruit from our tree and he said "OK, that last one is for you!" I said "Thanks! it's not ready yet, I will pick it in a couple days." She left the room and came back 5 minutes later with that piece of fruit and presented it to me with a smile and said "Here, I picked it for you." I know she did it on purpose to ruin it for me, but her dad just smiled and shrugged like "She must not have understood, look how nice she is to you, why are you so uptight..."

Those were the subtle things. Most were much more overt. But I'm curious what your wife would say because the point of view may be very different from where she sits.

I remember my ex when to counseling with me one time and the counselor said "Your wife is screaming because your daughter keeps sticking a knife in her. What are you going to do about it?"

He didn't do squat. We divorced (for that plus several other reasons)


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## Dusty72 (Sep 16, 2015)

I had a very similar problem,my stbxw told me she just 'tolerates' my 10 year old,my little one is quiet,my stbxw did nothing with her as if she was an inconvenience coming round,in the end I stopped bringing her round...my stbxw went out at weekends and did her own thing even though I did things with her kids....
Like an earlier poster said,wives come and go,but your daughter is for life
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I think there's a lot more going on here than meets the eye. We need more info, OP.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

My dad chose his second wife over me.

Leave the wife


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## Frostfield (Nov 22, 2015)

More info...my wife is a total volcano. She is on high alert when my daughter is around looking for mistakes. MY DAUGHTER IS VERY RESPECTFUL. It's over the top, if everything isn't perfect, my wife goes to defcon 10 anger level. Including, and mostly directed at me. She has zero tolerance or patience with my daughter. At her moms house, my daughter receives very little discipline then our house is boot camp (think full metal jacket). A 10 year old kid can't handle that. No one likes being around my wife when she is like that, including her sister (who has kids). Her sister has seen it first hand. She lived with us for a bit. She feels for us.

It's almost like my wife has OCD with extreme anger response when things aren't 100% perfect. When does perfect happen with children? Basically never.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yet no actual examples, which is what we really need. Only that your wife is mean and crazy, which is highly subjective. 

What exactly constitutes "boot camp"? This is your take on it, we need real examples.

Give us some examples of interactions between the two of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Yeah, just more bashing his wife and making his kid the slightly less than perfect angel, despite everyone asking for more information.

But he can't give us any anyway. His view totally subjective. Only his wife could tell us what we need to know and since that's not going to happen, my response remains to be based on the usual and most common scenarios and commentary.



sixty-eight said:


> But we do know that OP has a daughter, a baby mama or an ex of some sort, and a current wife with whom he has a son. That his wife has confided to the op that she is miserable when the stepdaughter is around, and that whatever the wife is doing, she's right out front with it. That some of them are in counseling, and that it isn't working.
> 
> From that i gather that this is a very beat down child with an outrageously evil step mom, or that the daughter is working covertly and the wife is being a little juvenile in retaliating.


You, the OP, and nearly everybody else keeps mistaking - if not reading too much into - the word "miserable." How exactly does that word translate to the "child is beat down" and the "step mom is evil"? The woman said she is miserable when the kid is there, meaning the child causes HER miserable, she is unhappy when the child is there, unhappy, sad, sorrowful, dejected, depressed, downcast, downhearted, down, despondent, disconsolate, wretched, glum, gloomy, dismal, melancholy, woebegone, doleful, forlorn, heartbroken.


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## Frostfield (Nov 22, 2015)

Oh Carla. So opinionated with so little information. Wouldn't want someone like that in my life. How can you call fact reporting bashing?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Are you going to provide actual examples so we can help you or not? 

Many of us are step parents or are married to the step parents of our children so we understand the dynamics of blended familied.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostfield (Nov 22, 2015)

The example is 24/7 when my daughter is here. Just mean, mad at everything and everyone. Just plain pissy. It's like a switch. Unprovoked. My wife is mean and stays mad at my daughter because it hurts her feelings.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Frostfield said:


> More info...*my wife is a total volcano*. She is on high alert when my daughter is around looking for mistakes. *MY DAUGHTER IS VERY RESPECTFUL.* It's over the top, if everything isn't perfect, my wife goes to *defcon 10 anger level*. Including, and mostly directed at me. She has zero tolerance or patience with my daughter. At her moms house, my daughter receives very little discipline then our house is boot camp (think full metal jacket). A 10 year old kid can't handle that. *No one likes being around my wife when she is like that*, including her sister (who has kids). Her sister has seen it first hand. She lived with us for a bit. She feels for us.
> 
> It's almost like my wife has OCD with extreme anger response when things aren't 100% perfect. When does perfect happen with children? Basically never.


Is there anything you like about this woman? How is she with the son you have together? 

I feel like i'm missing something. She's mean to the kid, mean to you. Is there a specific reason you stay together? It doesn't sound like you enjoy her company.


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## Frostfield (Nov 22, 2015)

Update: I wrote her a long message telling her everything I feel and that I couldn't take the meanness anymore. She said she will try her best and go see a Dr. She probably is suffering from depression. She's already being kind. I hope it sticks. She knows I will walk otherwise. Thanks to some of you.


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## Frostfield (Nov 22, 2015)

It's been very difficult. I just love my son so much. She can be very mean to him as well. She is a carbon copy of her crappy dad. Very mean mad and verbally abusive.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Frostfield said:


> Update: I wrote her a long message telling her everything I feel and that I couldn't take the meanness anymore. She said she will try her best and go see a Dr. She probably is suffering from depression. She's already being kind. I hope it sticks. She knows I will walk otherwise. Thanks to some of you.


Could you post the message?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Frostfield said:


> It's been very difficult. I just love my son so much. She can be very mean to him as well. She is a carbon copy of her crappy dad. Very mean mad and verbally abusive.


Are you afraid to leave him alone with her?


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## Frostfield (Nov 22, 2015)

jld said:


> Frostfield said:
> 
> 
> > Update: I wrote her a long message telling her everything I feel and that I couldn't take the meanness anymore. She said she will try her best and go see a Dr. She probably is suffering from depression. She's already being kind. I hope it sticks. She knows I will walk otherwise. Thanks to some of you.
> ...


Too much personal info to edit. Sorry.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I'm glad you let her know how you feel, great first step. I hope she can get the help she needs, and does indeed keep working toward a better relationship with both children and your marriage.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

Frostfield said:


> More info...my wife is a total volcano. She is on high alert when my daughter is around looking for mistakes. MY DAUGHTER IS VERY RESPECTFUL. It's over the top, if everything isn't perfect, my wife goes to defcon 10 anger level. Including, and mostly directed at me. She has zero tolerance or patience with my daughter. At her moms house, my daughter receives very little discipline then our house is boot camp (think full metal jacket). A 10 year old kid can't handle that. No one likes being around my wife when she is like that, including her sister (who has kids). Her sister has seen it first hand. She lived with us for a bit. She feels for us.
> 
> It's almost like my wife has OCD with extreme anger response when things aren't 100% perfect. When does perfect happen with children? Basically never.


Chances are she is on "high alert" when your daughter is around because she is, as you say, miserable when she is around. So the question is, why is she so miserable? What reasons has she given you? 

From my experience I can tell you what has made me miserable at times when my stepson is around - my husband doesn't pay attention to me & he ignores or makes excuses for stepson's rude behavior (he is a good kid for the most part but he deliberately ignores me & the few rules I ask for from him such as saying please/thank you). So yes I can feel miserable sometimes when he is around, but I understand that it's not my stepson making me miserable it's my hubby who is responsible for this. I don't hate my stepson or blame him in any way even though hubby & I both agree he is doing some of it deliberately because he behaves very well if others are around. It's my hubby's job to deal with it, not mine. He does just fine with my boys, so he's not incapable, so it frustrates me that he's defensive & resistant when it comes to his own son. I am a bundle of nerves when he's here & much more sensitive, so this may be what you're describing as your wife being on "high alert", not unusual. 

You need to ask yourself what your role in this dynamic is & what you can do to change it. YOU should be the one parenting your daughter & disciplining her, not your wife. She needs to step back & let you handle your daughter. That should alleviate some of your resentment towards your wife for how she treats your daughter because she won't be the one dealing with her. She may be harsh with you if you don't handle things but it won't be directed at your daughter which is important.

This was the Honey-Do List I gave my hubby:

1) Pay attention to your wife & her feelings. Always try to include/invite your wife in activities (plan things she'd enjoy too). If she chooses to isolate herself, let her. She may prefer not to for many reasons, including trying to give you time with your daughter. Don't force things. And don't ask her to do anything special for your daughter unless she volunteers it. 

2) Parent your child. Pay attention to their behavior at all times & correct things as you see them. Kids will understand better when you discuss things at the time they happen - they can associate it easier. It also opens up discussion of the feelings they are having at that moment that may have caused it & alternative solutions.

3) Make your spouse the priority. She's the one you chose to spend the rest of your life with, long after your kids are gone & you are retired. Support your wife. If she's stressed, ask what (if anything, sometimes women just want you to listen) you can do to help her. 

It's really as simple as that for me. Just the effort makes a difference.

I don't know your wife, but I do know that this is a common theme in stepfamilies. My hubby fears that his son won't want to visit anymore if he does anything to upset him. This prevents him from disciplining him even when he does notice he should. The truth is his son is also feeling the tension in the house so he's already not comfortable. It also doesn't help that his mom is using it to try to alienate him from his dad - where she failed before at turning him against his dad she has found an easier target in me. I feel like the Bad Guy on all sides when hubby doesn't support me. It's not easy, but it's not impossible either. 

It's important that you do your part to keep the peace. Come up with House Rules you both agree on & stick to it. Discuss age-appropriate punishment for both children ahead of time. You discipline your daughter whenever possible. In the event your wife must discipline because you aren't around, she will follow the method you agreed upon. Anything further you discuss together. Don't make your wife solely responsible for your daughter's care unless absolutely necessary or if she volunteers it. You be responsible as much as possible & limit the interaction between your wife & daughter to family activities. This will go a long way toward building positive experiences for everyone & reducing stress.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Frostfield said:


> More info...my wife is a total volcano. She is on high alert when my daughter is around looking for mistakes. MY DAUGHTER IS VERY RESPECTFUL. It's over the top, if everything isn't perfect, my wife goes to defcon 10 anger level. Including, and mostly directed at me. She has zero tolerance or patience with my daughter. At her moms house, my daughter receives very little discipline then our house is boot camp (think full metal jacket). A 10 year old kid can't handle that. No one likes being around my wife when she is like that, including her sister (who has kids). Her sister has seen it first hand. She lived with us for a bit. She feels for us.
> 
> It's almost like my wife has OCD with extreme anger response when things aren't 100% perfect. When does perfect happen with children? Basically never.


1. Can you give a couple actual example of you wife in defcon 10 anger mode? What exactly did your daughter do or say, and how exactly did your wife react? And what exactly did you do or say?

2. What reason does your wife give for not being able to stand it when your daughter is around?

3. What is an example of an unreasonable rule your wife expects followed that your daughter does not have to comply with at her mom's house?

4. How was your wife's relationship with your daughter before you married? And have you changed how you handle things between them?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Frostfield said:


> Update: I wrote her a long message telling her everything I feel and that I couldn't take the meanness anymore. She said she will try her best and go see a Dr. She probably is suffering from depression. She's already being kind. I hope it sticks. She knows I will walk otherwise. Thanks to some of you.


Please read this on blended families, it's really informative:
Blended Families #1

It sounds like your wife agrees she is being mean. 

If you learn about and follow the policy of joint agreement discussed in the linked article, your wife won't be able to make up and try to enforce her own rules for the daughter, or speak to her in a way you two don't both agree with. And you won't also be able to inadvertently favor your daughter in a way that may be triggering jealousy in your wife.

*I'd still love to hear an actual example of what is being said and done.*

If you wife is mean to her birth child too she may have emotional issues like you mentioned (depression, bi-polar, who knows) or she may just need a good parenting class (something you could do together as a couple and come to agreements on how you will handle things and express yourselves based on what "the experts" suggest rather than one of you telling the other they are wrong.)

Good luck!


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

sixty-eight said:


> what does the counselor say? Is your wife truthful with the counselor?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is terrible parenting technique. A child-like response to child-like behaviour.

@ OP - your daughter would have been 5 when you blended families, yes? It is highly unlikely your daughter was sophisticated enough at that age to deliberately antagonize your wife. 

Bluntly, both you and your wife have failed in being skillful in handling the situation.

I suggest you find a family counsellor for *you and your wife* to start learning alternative methods. Your kids are just being kids, and will take their cues from you both.

Good luck.

Stepparenting Advice for Blended Families | Empowering Parents


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Frostfield said:


> *More info...my wife is a total volcano. * She is on high alert when my daughter is around looking for mistakes. MY DAUGHTER IS VERY RESPECTFUL. It's over the top, if everything isn't perfect, my wife goes to defcon 10 anger level. Including, and mostly directed at me. She has zero tolerance or patience with my daughter. At her moms house, my daughter receives very little discipline then our house is boot camp (think full metal jacket). A 10 year old kid can't handle that. No one likes being around my wife when she is like that, including her sister (who has kids). Her sister has seen it first hand. She lived with us for a bit. She feels for us.
> 
> It's almost like my wife has OCD with extreme anger response when things aren't 100% perfect. When does perfect happen with children? Basically never.


This is completely unacceptable. Send her for counselling and, perhaps, get her on some medication for her BPD or anxiety, or whatever it is. She will view this as a weakness, unless you are SKILLFUL and NON THREATENING in how you suggest this. Ideally via your counsellor or family doctor.

What I will add is this: if my H ever treated my son, his stepson, this way, I would leave him in a heartbeat. Actually, I would leave my spouse *who treated anyone in the home this way*. It's an incredibly unstable environment for children, biological or otherwise.

A parent's first responsibility is to their children. Always.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

> Update: I wrote her a long message telling her everything I feel and that I couldn't take the meanness anymore. *She said she will try her best and go see a Dr.* She probably is suffering from depression. She's already being kind. I hope it sticks. She knows I will walk otherwise. Thanks to some of you.


No. Not TRY, she is just feeding you BS and not really dealing with her issues.

Insist she goes. Leave her, with the children if she doesn't. Speaking as an adult who grew up with an emotionally volatile parent with the other one escaping into work. Great provider, no emotional protection = damaged children.

You need to develop a backbone here for the sake of your children. Inaction on your part is damaging your children as much as her ranting is. You WILL have to answer to your adult children someday about "why didn't you help us?".


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

hotshotdot said:


> Chances are she is on "high alert" when your daughter is around because she is, as you say, miserable when she is around. So the question is, why is she so miserable? What reasons has she given you?
> 
> From my experience I can tell you what has made me miserable at times when my stepson is around - my husband doesn't pay attention to me & he ignores or makes excuses for stepson's rude behavior (he is a good kid for the most part but he deliberately ignores me & the few rules I ask for from him such as saying please/thank you). So yes I can feel miserable sometimes when he is around, but I understand that it's not my stepson making me miserable it's my hubby who is responsible for this. I don't hate my stepson or blame him in any way even though hubby & I both agree he is doing some of it deliberately because he behaves very well if others are around. It's my hubby's job to deal with it, not mine. He does just fine with my boys, so he's not incapable, so it frustrates me that he's defensive & resistant when it comes to his own son. I am a bundle of nerves when he's here & much more sensitive, so this may be what you're describing as your wife being on "high alert", not unusual.


Amen Sister. 

This was my experience too. It wasn't the kid that made me crazy as much as my xH's oblivion to her antics and treating me like I was the unreasonable one. 

I swear to God people tell me I am the most kind, laid back person (even my 3 step daughters including the problem one now that she's an adult.) My current H says I have the temperament of a Golden Retriever. But at some point I was definitely on constant *High Alert * in regards to her (and her mother who consciously tried to drive a wedge between us, with their father's complete complicity). 

I felt like an obsessed crazy person. 

With that said - I have seen step parents who do instinctively dislike the step-children and treat them like outsiders. Actually doing things for their birth kids when the step kid is there and not including them, or just being cold to the step child. So it can definitely go both ways. And the poor kids don't ask for divorce and remarriage. And they often feel an allegiance to their birth mother than makes them feel guilty if they like the step parent, so they do little things to make it very hard for the step parent to get close to them.

Step families are HARD. BTW, if you didn't see my link in another post, I suggest this as a great read for blended families - though it sounds like you're already doing most of it. Good luck with your family! Blended Families #1


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

sapientia said:


> This is completely unacceptable. Send her for counselling and, perhaps, get her on some medication for her BPD or anxiety, or whatever it is. She will view this as a weakness, unless you are SKILLFUL and NON THREATENING in how you suggest this. Ideally via your counsellor or family doctor.
> 
> What I will add is this: if my H ever treated my son, his stepson, this way, I would leave him in a heartbeat. Actually, I would leave my spouse *who treated anyone in the home this way*. It's an incredibly unstable environment for children, biological or otherwise.
> 
> *A parent's first responsibility is to their children. Always.*


I agree. But there is a difference between taking care of your child and ganging up on your new spouse with the child. The fact that his wife has said she'll try, and see a Dr., indicates she does believe she is the problem, or at least part of it, but he still has not given us one single example of "full metal jacket boot camp" behavior other than saying the wife said she hoped the kids teeth rot out. Something I don't think I would ever say to a child, but we don't know what the context was - was the daughter refusing to brush her teeth regularly? Or saying she did when she didn't?

Anyhow - I totally agree with you that the child's emotional and physical wellbeing come first. 

But as a former Step Parent, I am also painfully aware of what enablers birth parents can be - oblivious to the antics of their precious child and super defensive any time the step parent criticizes the child. And _if _that's going on, it is _not _in the best interest of the child at all.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

sapientia said:


> This is terrible parenting technique. A child-like response to child-like behaviour.



hahaha.

they have great teeth. 

you are entitled to your opinion. I'm a great mom.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> But as a former Step Parent, I am also painfully aware of what enablers birth parents can be - oblivious to the antics of their precious child and super defensive any time the step parent criticizes the child. And _if _that's going on, it is _not _in the best interest of the child at all.


Agreed. The OP is certainly part of the problem. Again, according to the math, his daughter would have been around 5 when they blended families. Plenty young enough to establish good relationships with the correct attitudes and boundaries. Particularly at that age, when all the little girl really wanted was reassurance of love and security after her world was turned upside down.

Now, unhealthy patterns have been established. It can be repaired, but it will be a lot more effort. The OP will have to decide to meet the challenge and not succumb to guilt and (my guess) conflict avoidance with his new wife, who does sound unstable.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Frostfield said:


> Oh Carla. So opinionated with so little information. Wouldn't want someone like that in my life. How can you call fact reporting bashing?


You have done absolutely nothing but bash your wife. That's why I called it bashing. As far as fact reporting? Nothing but YOUR opinionated view of your wife, who you clearly have zero respect for no matter what she does. Other than me and my opinion, several other stepmothers have offered you their own experience. How could I be so wrong when they virtually repeated what I stated to you. But it's awfully funny you didn't listen to anyone but the people who agreed with you and told you to leave your wife - people who obviously don't have any idea what they are talking about just like you.

So you made sure to win and be right and put your wife in her place by dishing out the ultimate ultimatum and threatening to leave her. Way to go, Mr. Wonderful.

Everything I said remains as I said it.....
1. You're not listening to your wife.

2. You're making more out of what she says than it actually is. Read the last paragraph of sixty-eight's post.

3. You're allowing your daughter to be disrespectful.

4. Your daughter is a brat, and you don't bother to parent her to give her consequences.

5. Your therapist is an idiot and not familiar with step family dynamics. Many people have to go through 2 or 3 therapists to find a good one or to find a good fit. You need a counselor that specializes in step families.

6. This is on you. Stop blaming your wife. 

Too bad it means nothing to you. I hope your wife gets smart and leaves you and your bratty kid.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

sixty-eight said:


> hahaha.
> 
> they have great teeth.
> 
> you are entitled to your opinion. I'm a great mom.


I'm sure they do and I'm sure you are a great mom. That is not what I was commenting on.

For interest. My philosophy on parenting was to give age-appropriate choices. By this, I mean that in your case, not brushing their teeth was not an acceptable outcome. I'm just thinking on the fly here, but what I likely would have said was something more like:

"Okay, if you really don't want to brush your teeth, that is your choice and I won't force you. However, I do have a responsibility to keep you healthy. If you won't brush your teeth before bed, then I won't serve the family pudding after dinner, since the sugar will still be on your teeth when you go to bed. It is up to you to choose what is more important to you."

I used to deliver these kinds of choices all the time, with increasing complexity as my son got older. Note this isn't punishment. The kids could have sweets at other times, but in this case it would not be after dinner time.

Anyway, my son is quite a rational young man now, and as we talked about his upbringing, one of the things he really appreciates now is how we let him understand choice and consequence, but in a safe environment. He felt we trusted him to make decisions. In my language, he found it empowering.

One important aspect to this method is to be prepared to accept whatever choice your child makes. So one must be intelligent in setting up the choices and not getting upset if the result isn't the desired one. Sometimes it takes a few tries for them to figure out the "right answer". Giving a choice that really isn't one will cause mistrust and confusion.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

sapientia said:


> I'm sure they do and I'm sure you are a great mom. That is not what I was commenting on.
> 
> For interest. My philosophy on parenting was to give age-appropriate choices. By this, I mean that in your case, not brushing their teeth was not an acceptable outcome. I'm just thinking on the fly here, but what I likely would have said was something more like:
> 
> ...


if you look back, it was only brought up originally because that was the only "mean" thing said by the step mom. I was simply saying that i don't consider that to be mean. When i say that to my kids, i know it's not taken literally. They know full well that i don't want their teeth to rot out. It's like saying that if they aren't good, then Santa will bring them coal. It's common, not malicious.

My 7 year old is capable of choices like that, but i don't have to hound her about brushing her teeth. She is old enough to understand natural consequences. With my stubborn 3 year old, she's not old enough for that, and I'm not willing to play the choices game. She will obey, period. I'm not bartering every day for obedience. I'm not having long talks with someone who has a 5 second attention span. It's counterproductive.

So i get what you are saying, but different things work with kids of different temperaments/ages. A different way of parenting than yours is not necessarily "terrible parenting technique. A child-like response to child-like behaviour.." 

All that said, it's really irrelevant to this post where it honestly seems that the majority of the problem lies with the step-mom. OP seems to enable her, but she is the root.


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## Frostfield (Nov 22, 2015)

CarlaRose said:


> Frostfield said:
> 
> 
> > Oh Carla. So opinionated with so little information. Wouldn't want someone like that in my life. How can you call fact reporting bashing?
> ...



Wow. It's amazing a person with this point of view exists. Oh well, lol.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

"Okay, if you really don't want to brush your teeth, that is your choice and I won't force you. However, I do have a responsibility to keep you healthy. If you won't brush your teeth before bed, then I won't serve the family pudding after dinner, since the sugar will still be on your teeth when you go to bed. It is up to you to choose what is more important to you."

In my opinion, that's way too many words to get your point across. After a while it just sounds like Charlie Brown's parents and teachers to a kid. Short and sweet, "If you don't want a cavity at your next dentist appt, then you need to brush your teeth." "If you don't want ugly, yellow teeth, then you need to brush your teeth." "If you don't want to wear dentures, then you need to brush your teeth."


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Frostfield said:


> Wow. It's amazing a person with this point of view exists. Oh well, lol.


if you look at her other posts, she is a step mom. There are several other factors there. Respectfully, I think she is having trouble giving you unbiased advise.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

sixty-eight said:


> All that said, it's really irrelevant to this post where it honestly seems that the majority of the problem lies with the step-mom. OP seems to enable her, but she is the root.


Point taken. However, the example might be a technique that the OP could adopt also. I suspect lack of consistency in parenting is part of his problem. Head-in-sand syndrome.

My ex is dealing with this kind of problem in his blended family. Fortunately, we've always agreed on parenting style with our son so at least that part of their life is stable.

His GFs ex sounds quite lax and there is a period of chaos for the kids when they come home to his GFs home. Who also still seems to suffer "divorce guilt", so the parenting isn't as calm and consistent as it could be. One thing that you don't often read emphasized here is that parenting with guilt is actually worse for kids. They are looking for structure and boundaries, especially after a divorce. Even more so if it was acrimonious.

My armchair nickel, at least.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> "Okay, if you really don't want to brush your teeth, that is your choice and I won't force you. However, I do have a responsibility to keep you healthy. If you won't brush your teeth before bed, then I won't serve the family pudding after dinner, since the sugar will still be on your teeth when you go to bed. It is up to you to choose what is more important to you."
> 
> In my opinion, that's way too many words to get your point across. After a while it just sounds like Charlie Brown's parents and teachers to a kid. Short and sweet, "If you don't want a cavity at your next dentist appt, then you need to brush your teeth." "If you don't want ugly, yellow teeth, then you need to brush your teeth." "If you don't want to wear dentures, then you need to brush your teeth."


I did say my post was illustrative of a technique and off the cuff, yes? Just like yours was. I doubt a 3 year old would know what dentures are. 

The only issue with your method is that young children don't understand long term consequences, like getting a cavity at some far-off dentists appointment. Think the Stanford marshmallow experiment.

It depends on the age of the children the words that are used. Too much for a 3 year old, agreed. For a 7 year old, fine, at least my 7 year old could handle this.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm a stepmum. Came into SD's life when she was 6. I love her as my own child and would do anything for her.

There have been times when I have been extremely frustrated when she's here, mainly in the past now - but my frustration was not with her, it was with my husband. Back in the early days he was the classic guilt parent disney daddy. He would make far too many allowances for bad behaviour because "she's been through a lot". His ex wife was the same. When they "go through a lot', THAT is the time when, more than ever, kids need structure, boundaries and discipline. It makes them feel safe. 

There was also something different about my SD, at the age of 7 she was still having massive all out tantrums, melt downs and biting, hitting and kicking her parents. Her behaviour at times was absolutely appalling and was getting worse. I told my then fiance that something was going on with her, and her behaviour was not normal for her age - he dismissed my concerns as "you don't have children". I pushed it and insisted he speak to his ex wife and they do something, for SD's sake. They finally did. Turns out, she is Autistic. My husband apologised to me after the diagnosis.

Is it possible that your daughter could be Autistic OP? Or is your wife just incredibly cruel? As many posters have said, you say she's been like this to your daughter for 5 years - making your daughter just 5 years old when your wife started being cruel to her. No matter the reason, there is no justification in the world for an adult being cruel to a child, especially a small child - that breaks my heart 

How does your wife treat her bio son?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

frusdil said:


> I'm a stepmum. Came into SD's life when she was 6. I love her as my own child and would do anything for her.
> 
> There have been times when I have been extremely frustrated when she's here, mainly in the past now - but my frustration was not with her, it was with my husband. Back in the early days he was the classic guilt parent disney daddy. He would make far too many allowances for bad behaviour because "she's been through a lot". His ex wife was the same. When they "go through a lot', THAT is the time when, more than ever, kids need structure, boundaries and discipline. It makes them feel safe.
> 
> ...


Yet he's still not provided actual examples of what wife is doing that is cruel, or examples of any interactions at all. All he's done is bash his mean wife. 

Real example of cruelty are easy to provide. Here's one example:

Daughter won't eat vegetables so wife screams at her and calls her stupid. That is cruel.

Daughter won't eat vegetables and wife tells her she can't have dessert: not cruel but maybe upsetting to a father with no rules who's parenting out of guilt and feels bad. 

Frankly until he provides actual interaction examples I'd assume he's not parenting and thus is making his wife bad guy. 

There's a whole lot of projecting going on here when OP hasn't offered any relevant details besides his wife being miserable when his daughter is over, and the could be a lot of reasons for that. 

If she's such a raving b!tch and always has been why did he marry her and knock out a kid with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Frostfield said:


> It's an awful situation. We have a 4 year old son together or I'd leave so fast she'd never know that I was ever there. Counseling isn't working. My wife is mean and cruel. What do?





Frostfield said:


> It's my daughter. My wife has been mean to her off and on for the 5 years we've been married. My daughter doesn't like to be around her (I don't blame her) and now my wife, like a child, has doubled down on her actions. She won't initiate any conversation. Talks down to her and is very harsh. Once we were explaining the importance of dental hygiene and she told my 8 year old at the time she hoped her teeth rotted out. My wife said she is miserable when my daughter is here ?


When I think of a 10 year old girl, I think of a kid who is impressionable and who's chances to succeed or fail in life are greatly influenced now and for the next 5-8 years. A kid getting ready to go through all of the trama that being a tween and teen is getting ready to bring. She doesn't need this.

From where I'm standing, you don't have a choice Frost. Your wife is harmful for your little girl's emotional development and that's a show stopper. Your wife should work through these types of issues with you and you guys determine what to do as a team. Instead she's acting like a kid and if you don't stop it then you daughter will suffer from it. I think you already know this and just wish you could fix it. Unfortunately we can't fix other people. We also can't expect our kids to understand when we let someone in our life treat them unfairly.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

Frostfield said:


> Update: I wrote her a long message telling her everything I feel and that I couldn't take the meanness anymore. She said she will try her best and go see a Dr. She probably is suffering from depression. She's already being kind. I hope it sticks. She knows I will walk otherwise. Thanks to some of you.


She should definitely seek some counseling, I suspect anxiety rather than depression because anxiety tends to make one irritable & edgy as you've described, although anxiety can lead to depression. 

In any case, you have not responded to the many questions posters have asked. Give us some details. What has she done that is considered boot camp? Is it only when your daughter is around? What is your role in discipline? What are her grievances? Specifically what is she saying to you is her problem? This can help us give you better answers. 

It would also be nice to get your feedback on some of the suggestions already made - are you doing them already, going to try them, don't think it applies, etc. There were several step moms who tried to give you some perspective of what your wife may be feeling. If you really want to fix this it is important for you to try to see things from her point of view. She may be the one who needs to stop acting out, but chances are you have more control over the situation than you think. In fact, you probably have more control than she does. 

How much responsibility does your wife have for the care of your daughter & how much is on you? Do you show her appreciation for the things she does to help care for your daughter? You do realize that it's not natural for someone to want to care for someone else's child, right? Just because she married you knowing you had a child already doesn't mean it's expected that she love her like her own. Biology alone makes that difficult & it takes time & effort to develop that bond. Outside influences such as the Biomom and yourself play a big role in how that bond develops. She should treat your daughter as she would her own, but you need to appreciate the amount of effort it takes her. Your support & appreciation makes a big difference. And when you see she's struggling or not handling things well, then step up & help. For one, if she's mean to your daughter then you should be taking full responsibility for her when she's there - both to protect your daughter from your wife's outbursts but also to take that pressure off your wife. 

This situation did not happen overnight, it has gotten to this point over time. When someone has an over-the-top, unreasonable reaction to something small it's generally because there are unresolved issues that are triggering that emotional response. That's why the background info is so important. It's not like she was this way when you married her, so you can't put it all on her. You need to be asking yourself what your role has been & what you can do to change it (besides leaving, or you may find your next wife having the same issues). Remember that you have no control over changing someone else, you can only control yourself. So the best advice is that which shows you what you can do yourself to be an instrument of change within the relationship.


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## SherryM (Jun 24, 2016)

CarlaRose said:


> 1. You're not listening to your wife.
> 
> 2. You're making more out of what she says than it actually is. Read the last paragraph of sixty-eight's post.
> 
> ...


Good!
The dad always has no clue. My stepdaughter was miserable to me but a sticky honey fake sweetie pie when her dad was in the room (GAG). He defended her always - his fault - blind as hell - little princess was a menace and was the reason I left - He allowed it therefore, I left him.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

SherryM said:


> Good!
> The dad always has no clue. My stepdaughter was miserable to me but a sticky honey fake sweetie pie when her dad was in the room (GAG). He defended her always - his fault - blind as hell - little princess was a menace and was the reason I left - He allowed it therefore, I left him.



Lucky for him !


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sammy64 said:


> Lucky for him !


Your reply is uncalled for.. attacking other users is not allowed on TAM.


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