# I lied, need to repair



## Drawblank (Mar 18, 2010)

My wife and I are both 34 we have been married almost a year and together for 4 years prior to that. First the facts about what I did: When we first started dating I had some nude pictures of an ex-girlfriend and I having sex, she asked me to destroy them, at the time I didn't know where our relationship was going so I just hid them. About 6 months later she found them and got very made about me lying to her stating I had gotten ride of them, they are gone now (this is all 3+ years a go). 

Prior to my relationship with my wife I had a past history with drugs (cocaine/ crack cocaine), but I had moved and wanted to start fresh which is when I met my wife. A year prior to our marriage she got me a surprise trip to Florida where I used to live to visit my friends, whom I had not seen since I moved. She also stated that she would leave me if I did drugs while I was down there. Well I got drunk with my friends and ended up doing some drugs, which was the first time I had "fallen off the wagon" since I moved. Afraid I would lose my, at the time girlfriend, I lied and said I didn't do any drugs. Well in a moment of weakness I buckled and told her the truth this passed weekend. There are a lot of extra piece to this that would take way to long to explain. Needless to say I have been on the couch since our marriage is on the verge of failing apart and I can't seem to find a way to make her happy or trust me. The trust I know will take time but if don't do something soon it will be to late. Although she is made about me slipping and doing the drugs she, I think, is more mad about me lying and all of the cover ups stories I made up to cover the truth. She currently feels as though our marriage is based on a lie and that the vows we said have no meaning any more since, she thought I would never hurt her, and that I would never lie to her, both of which I have now done. 

I am trying to get us in to a marriage councilor and I am just awaiting a return phone call. I know I screwed up big time but I would like try and save my marriage. Does anyone have any advise on what else I can do? what things I should be saying? My wife is a very emotional person and I am very unemotional person, so it is hard for me to know what she needs and what I should be doing, hence Drawblank. I am not cold hearted I am sorry for what I have done I just want to put it behind us and move forward, but thats not enough for her. Any advise would be wonderful thank you in advance.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Drawblank said:


> I just want to put it behind us and move forward, but thats not enough for her.


after my H lied to me he just wanted to put it in the past. it would really upset him if i brought it up. but to me, when he said he just wanted to put it behind us, i heard 'i dont really care about how you feel and i just want to pretend it didnt happen.' it was like a refusal to be accountable and validate my feelings. 

so i think you should negate the idea of putting it behind you. this will never be put behind you. she will feel the pain from what you did for a long time, so this will be your future and present for a long time. just accept that. by accepting that you are validating her feelings. 

one of the things my h would do that really made me feel like he cared was if i got upset (and sometimes it would be out of the blue) he would say he was sorry but he would also ask me how what he did made me feel. and then he'd listen. that helped me a lot.


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## Drawblank (Mar 18, 2010)

I only wanted to put behind us the fact that I screwed up and did drugs again. I know there is not a chance I will be able to just put everything else behind us. She is dam sure making sure of that and turns anything and everything I say or do against me. I know I screwed up but I am trying to mend things, it's very difficult when she starts fights over anything she can. I can't comfort her just gets made, I try to stay away and she gets pissed I am trying to tip toe around her. I have had about 3 hours peace since last Saturday and get about 4 good hours a of sleep on the couch a night, if thats possible. I have tried 8 marriage counselors so far and I either get an answering machine, aren't taking new patients, don't except our health insurance, and she just get pissed cause she thinks I am not trying. Do we stand a chance? will this get better over time or have I screwed up to badly?


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