# Heading into Trial Separation



## Mr Mom

Hi all,

On my prior posts, I have asked for thoughts and opinions regarding my marriage of 14+ yrs which over the past 8 weeks has taken a sudden downturn. After many discussions in the last two months, this evening was basically the last one we will likely have before we enter into a 'trial separation'. She will be leaving as soon as it can be arranged for an appt. She and I are both in individual therapy. I have been about 7 times, she only once. Im on meds for anxiety and depression now....since beginning of Feb. 
During our discussion this evening, she feels that she cannot get herself better with me around. Her opinion of me is that I manipulate her thoughts and our conversations. Basically, it's all about me. 4 years ago, she took an executive position right around the time our youngest was born. I took over the majority of the household duties and have been the primary caregiver for the kids since then while she worked the longer hours with higher responsibilities. Guilt on her behalf set in silently and has eaten away at her for a long time. This turned into anger toward me and resentment for the flexibility that I had with my work and to take care of sick kids, appts, etc. 
Im going to support her need to 'find herself' during this trial separation as much as it kills me. We will be talking to the kids separately (9 and 4) as they will have different understandings of what will be happening. We both agreed that this was the best course and that we both would participate in the disucssion however, W would be doing most of the talking, I would be doing the supporting. 
She will be looking for a month/month rental agreement so that a 1 yr lease can be avoided depending on how things go. Has anyone ever entered a situation like this? What advice would you give me? us?
I love my wife....and Im in love with her - it breaks my heart to agree to this separation. She loves me but is not in love with me. She has lost herself ........ and it is because of me. Hence, my support of her decision. In therapy, Im learning to change my behaviors, not be codependant, be supportive, listen better and to be a better individual. 
I don't see this coming to a reconciliation at this point regardless of time away. I feel I have lost her and that I will be receiving my walking papers soon. She is going to see a lawyer on Friday of this week. I don't want a divorce and she states that she does not as well however, we do need to begin to think about the finances and making sure the kids are taken care of. I will be staying in the house for the time being. Market is still not very good and houses in our area have been on the market for months. Any words of advice would be helpful....should I see a lawyer as well to protect my interests or should I wait to see what her lawyer suggests first ?


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## marina72

If she states she does not want a divorce, then why is she going to see a lawyer? For separation? Sounds to me like she is planning a divorce, that is just what I gather. But I'm not there , so I can't say for certain. It's just that most people don't see a lawyer just to be separated. Although I spose some do.

Well, yes. to answer your question, I think you should see your own attorney, if she is seeing one as well. Just to protect your own interests, not to be vedictive in any way. 

I would try to work amicably with her, as I'm sure you probably intend to. And it can't hurt to have your own attorney. In fact, if she's having some sort of papers for separation drawn up, then you'll need an attorney on your side, that can protect your rights. It's only fair. 

It's a shame that it came to this. No hope for reconncilliation?


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## Mr Mom

Thank you for your reply Marina. IMO not all hope is lost, not sure about her thought process though. She is seeing a lawyer (consultation visit) because she is scared that I would take away her right to see the kids. Her work requires more hours than mine does and 1 weekend day. I have assured her that I would never take the kids away from their mother. She has always been a loving and caring mother to them....I could never do that to them or her. I know the lawyer will push the legal separation but she is strong enough to stand up for what she wants....and from what she has told me, it's a Trial Separation. She will be looking for an appt that does not require a 1 yr lease. My W received this advice from one of her friends that has recently been through a divorce...and her girlfriends are feeding her the 'get out' information at this point. 
I do appreciate the advice to consult a lawyer on my end. Never been through anything like this before and quite honestly, I don't want her to leave. But I must support her decision and respect that.


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## Tim

Get a lawyer and know your rights. Forget about what she thinks, its not important. It sounds to me like she has a lot of control over YOUR thoughts. 

What matters is action and end result. Get a lawyer, and know your rights. Pay attention to the dividing property aspect of it. You have the right to know all the bank accounts and assets she has acquired while married to you. I bet you'll get a few surprises. 

I know its kind of hard but also consider the fact that with her strong independent attitude she might have or still is having an affair. In the process of breaking up with me, my wife decided to tell me what she did, but thats a long story.


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## Tim

btw, im also 'mr. mom' so to speak. my wife is also the bread winner. She was the one pressuring me to give up work and do just school, and to transfer all my credit cards over to the one attached to her bank. Now im out of school and i'm the full time mom. she wont even come straight home after work, she goes and 'works out'. She doesnt get home until 6:30pm...and she leaves at 7am.

keep us updated. You are much further along than i am in the divorce department.


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## marina72

Sorry it's hard I know. Been there, done that one, it's hurtful, scary, unknown...
But, even if it does go to divorce, at least you're both on the same page in terms of the kids. that's the most important thing. And, who knows,, maybe you two aren't totally done yet. Anything is possible, and any marriage can be saved if both of the people want it. It does take two of course, but it can be done.

Update us when you can, we will be here to listen. Blessings..


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## Mr Mom

Tim - I appreciate your reply. I asked a few of my friends and they suggested the same thing. Get some advice from lawyer and know your rights. 
I have a good handle on what is in the savings and checking accts. I pay all the bills with the exception of her business phone which was just recently changed to be paid by her coprorate office so I can't see the mins spent, times called, received and test message amounts anymore. That has me a little concerned. I see her direct deposit information so I know what goes into where. I will keep you updated at the end of the week.

Thanks again for the advice and support.


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## sirch

Please listen to everyone here, get a good lawyer, do not move out of the house, thats abandonment. Let your wfe leave, you do have the upper hand here, so keep it! She will see soon enough what she is going to miss. Tough love my friend, be strong and keep us updated.


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## Mr Mom

Update - It's time to rephrase the title of my post. It should read, Heading into Legal Separation. This evening, W and I spoke about her visit to see a lawyer to see what options she had regarding a Trial separation. We both sat on the couch and reviewed our options. She wanted to move out and be on her own for a while as she feels that being in our home allows her no opportunity to 'find herself' and figure out what she wants. Well....we will be figuring out the finances on Sunday night and as soon as she can find an apartment, we will let the kids know what is going on. 
We both agreed that there would be NO negative talk about either of us to the kids. This is going to be hard enough on them and they both need to know that their Mom and Dad loves them. W asked me to take an equal role when speaking to the kids which I rebutted a few times. W is leaving, she needs to explain why she is taking this action to them (of course I will be there) but Im not asking her to leave and did not want to separate in the first place. This is on her and she needs to face the music when she and I talk to the kids. When W leaves, I will be there to have to handle the tears and questions. That is when I should be the active parent to assure them that I know how bad they are feeling and that they would be OK. W and I are still on good speaking terms and communicate pretty well. 

The one thing that gets me.....and makes me most upset is that after 14+ years of marriage, 2 wonderful kids, lots of great times and pretty good communication.....how a W would give up like she is. Says no to marriage counseling and when I told her that she gave up on me and exhibits no desire to want to work on our marriage.....I got no response. That makes me sad.


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## Tim

Listen, she is hiding something. She is filled with shame and thats why she refuses couples counseling (because it would come out there). I speak from first hand experience. Whatever it is she did she plans on taking it to her grave. I think you know this already....

P.S. Mr Mom, You better get child support. I bet she'd pay with no contest out of sheer guilt.


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## Ms.Anonymous

tim...:iagree:. i also think she's not being completely honest...and there is another man in her life. this guy she's messin' with is going to drop her like a hot potato as soon as she becomes legally available. man is she in for a big surprise.


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## Sensitive

I agree there is something fishy about this story. I suspect there may be another man in the picture, and she has just been hiding being unhappily married all these years. Have you met all her co-workers and friends? It seems very rare for a woman to walk away from her kids and choose longer hours at work. That's just my impression, after only reading two of your threads.


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## Mr Mom

Well.....let me give an update. W met with a lawyer to get some info and we talked that evening. She wanted a trial separation and I replied with "I don't want to waste another 3 months of my time and yours. Start the legal separation process now and let's get the clock ticking." We set last Sunday as the day we would document our finances, how much child support she would be paying me and visitation. 
She spent last Saturday with her sister and the kids shopping, came home around 2pm and walked up to me. She said she felt like crying. So I found us a quiet part of the house and let her talk. She didn't know how we had gotten to this point so fast and her mother found out that she was going to leave as soon as she found an apartment. Her mother was not happy at all and was quite mean to her on the phone that day. After she got all of that out with a lot of tears and me just sitting there listening.....I decided to offer her another week to think about things and we will discuss finances etc in a week. The next day she came to me and said that she didn't want to leave (didn't say anything about working on our relationship) but was not ready to sit the kids down to let them know what was going on. 
Im 95% sure there isn't another man....I have kept an eye on the facebook posts she has rec'd and with her text messaging. All have been clean so far. No late nights out, no mysterious phone calls so I have no concrete evidence to say there is another man. I have met all of her coworkers, she has worked for the same company for 15 yrs. 
Fast forward to 3 days ago, she had planned for a long time to go to NYC to see a broadway show with her sisters on Wed of this coming week. She has vacation days planned for Thu and Fri. The Wed trip will be via bus. She has asked me if it would be OK for her to take 2 days just to get away...locally....to a hotel to clear her head. With a straight face....I agreed to this arrangement. What can it hurt? If she's seeing someone else...Im enabling this but if she truly does need time away from the kids and me, this may allow her the alone time to sort out the mess in her head and figure out what she is missing.


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## Tim

you are so codependent its not even funny. Not once did you talk about your position in this, you talk about how she feels and what she needs. And you make excuses for her... 

What are your needs? What are your feelings? If you are doing what I suspect you are doing then you are repressing yourself and your emotions, your jealousies and your suspicions. You cater to her, you shower her, you give and give and give....and I'm going to bet besides sex, she doesnt give any of that to you. She shifts all responsibility on YOU. I'm seeing it in plain view. You suffer from the 'nice guy syndrome'. Your name should be Mr. Nice Guy instead.

I'm sorry Im being so harsh, but I feel like I'm talking to me from back in time. WAKE UP! SNAP OUT OF IT! 

All you are responsible for is you and your kids...not her. She can make her own decisions, dont let her put them on you...yes you are an enabler.

For your sake and your children's sake, you need to change yourself otherwise you will continue to attract these kind of people.

There's so much she has done and you are completely oblivious. 
Facebook and texts mean nothing. My wife habitually cheats and all those are clear. My wife fits the same profile of yours, successful in business, dumps the kids on me, always comes home, occasionally has a night out to herself. 

Well guess what? She cheated twice, 3 years ago on a 'girls night out' and last year when an old friend came into town. She would leave work early several times to go places...I'm even suspecting now she was banging one of her bosses at work (there are lunch breaks, there are minutes here and there they can escape) because of the way she talks about him....

ok I'll stop here...I wish I could get through to you.


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## Mr Mom

Tim - I respect your opinion and know you speak from experience. I was codependent at the beginning of February, that's a given. Today, after 10 therapy sessions, I have built a shell around my heart and have a clear mind to think with now. I no longer need her affection or reassurance to validate myself.

As you see in my above post, Im the one that said let's go straight to legal separation rather than trial so we would not be wasting anyone's time. 

If allowing a spouse of 14+ yrs a little time to breathe when she has stated this is what she needs to get her head straight....I owe that to her and to our family. If she returns this weekend and says, I spent the last two days looking for an apartment and you will be receiving the separation papers in the next few days.....Im ready for that. I hold all the cards... I will be the custodial parent so she will be paying me child support to the tune of $661 per pay period. I will not be leaving our residence, she would be. She hasn't talked divorce at all to this point. 

While I can painfully see that you know that she has either an EA or PA with someone else as all the signs that you have seen are waving......Trust is something that I firmly believe in. If she has or is betraying my trust, that will be on her and she will have to live with that. I believe I will have a concrete direction within the next month...one way or another. 

I do appreciate your responses and I have read them more than once so I am hearing your points. I will update soon.....and Thank you.


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## Tim

Hey Mr. Mom. Thanks for respecting my opinion and yes I respect you. Its nice to talk to an adult too, I dont feel like I have to walk on egg shells around you.

That said, can I give you some more advice?

On your next post, try to talk about your feelings. I'm not saying you have to do this always, but your post is incredibly void of any feelings from your part.

What are YOU going through? What do you need? What will make you happy?

When I was told this by my couple's counselor I thought it was so stupid I decided to try it to show myself how stupid it was. 

What came out...was life changing. So much anger. I was SO MAD!
I started to beat my computer up as I typed. 

Anyways...try it. Refrain from using 'her' and 'she' and 'my wife' or even her name. Its very hard to do for us codependents because thats not how we are wired. 

The fact that you are going through this whole divorce and are pushing through with it and demanding all the child support is good. On a side note, do you see that this is passive aggressive? Its not direct at all...it lacks assertiveness.

Ok I'll stop talking. You are still codependent my friend...I can spot it a mile away and the fact that your counselor told you the same just confirms it, after all, I dont know your counselor


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## Tim

oh and here....
No More Mr. Nice Guy
I think you are ripe for change...


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## Mr Mom

OK...here goes. I feel hurt, sad, angry and misled. Hurt because the one that I felt that was closest to me did not confide in me. Sad because of the collateral damage that this has and will create for more than just 2 ppl. Angry because I have sacrificed so much time and energy into this relationship and do not feel that this has been reciprocated. Misled because I trusted the words "I will tell you if anything is wrong". 

I feel a lot of loss right now. The impending loss of the marriage. The impending loss of not seeing my kids every day. I haven't said this in any of my other posts but my dad has inoperable cancer and the loss of him will be coming soon. Parents live in FL, I live in NY so while distance separates us, I still try to stay close. 

Im in the land of the great unknown right now. Feelings toward W are indifference right now. Im focusing my attention on the kids and continuing to improve myself daily. 

I have been doing a lot of things to make myself feel better. I have lost about 25 lbs in the last 2 months while still eating healthy, down to about 165 now. Do about 700 crunches a day to blow off some steam at night. Im feeling much better than I did 8 weeks ago. I appreciate your post Tim....and no more Mr. Nice Guy.


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