# My wife's figure doesn't turn me on



## PGP

Hi All,

New poster here. Here's my story, thanks for reading. I've been married 6 months now and whereas I love my wife and would never dream of cheating on her, her figure doesn't turn me on like it used to. For the record she's not fat (5'3" 114 lbs) but she's not toned either. She has a bit of a belly, small love handles and a soft, flabby butt which a much as I try, I simply can't find attractive. For the record I'm slim and in good shape, gym 3-4x a week to stay that way. Also she's never been pregnant.

I'm finding it really difficult to raise this issue. I did once in the past (before we got married) and she flipped out, then calmed down and realized I had a point. The only thing changed is that she now says she's happy with her weight and figure. 

Now she thinks her body looks great, or at least she doesn't really acknowledge its changed. She's obsessed with having T&A. When I once pointed out that a soft jiggly ass, no matter how small or large wasn't much of a turn on, her rebuttal was that all guys love a big butt, and I'm the weird one for not liking it. It wasn't worth kicking off a debate by going into the merits of what makes a good ass. When we see attractive girls on TV, if they are not curvy she calls these girls "disgustingly thin." I'm not talking anorexic, just normal, toned and in shape. She says that she's a curvy girl with T&A and she'll never be skinny. I don't expect that but is it too much to expect her to be toned?

She knows she has a bit of a belly, and knows I find a flat stomach attractive. She points to it at times and complains that certain dresses make her look pregnant, especially without wearing spanx. I can't bring it to myself to bring up that it's not the dress and that she's not permanently bloated (another reason she gives). Once when I referenced her belly in passing she got mad at me. 

For her health (primarily and also and body tone), I finally got her to go to the gym. It's not hard, we have one in our building. She's just started for half an hour 2x a week, I'm hopeful she keeps it up. She needs it not just for her body/weight but also for her health. She knows it's essential for her health and that she needs to go. I pretty much broke down crying to her one day about how she need to exercise regularly for her own health. I was sick of her lethargy and general being out of shape and idleness as a result. In her own words "I feel like a 40 year old" (she's 25). I can't sit by and watch her not look after herself. She realizes this and the other day broke down feeling bad that her health problems (recent stomach issues and previous lethargy) would make me feel like I had married someone "defective" and not what I expected.

It took me a lot of pressure to get her to go to the gym, then she stopped and now recently she re-started. It appears that she won't go of her own accord, I have to push her to go constantly and this stresses our relationship as well and makes me feel like she's my child and I'm making her do what's best for her. 

I went once with her and she was walking on a treadmill and I suggested she run. She got mad and now refuses to go to the gym with me ever. Maybe I didn't say the smartest thing in the world but it was hardly an insult. Yesterday after she went to the gym she piled on the carbs (rice) because working out gives her cravings for them, then shot me a nasty look when I said it probably wasn't the best idea, and said she's working out for health not to lose weight. Worth pointing out at this stage that if we're lying in bed and I put my hand on her 'belly' she tends to move it. 

Her thoughts are "I have a belly but you're not allowed to say anything, it's my body and I can do what I want."

It's reached the stage where I really don't know what to do. I know to some of you reading this I sound like a judgmental *******, and I know I've made mistakes in how to approach this. But I can't control my feelings and impulses, and this isn't an issue I'm exactly experienced in discussing. I try my best to look good for my wife, isn't it fair to expect the same from her? 

The wife has noticed I don't look at her like I used to and I'm not as interested in sex as before. I've been blaming my appearing distant on work stresses. She's had stomach issues recently and some bloating (but not enough to explain the issue at hand here), so I feel this would be an exceptionally bad time to raise it, but is there ever a good time? Or should I continue by task of getting her to workout more and eat better for her own health, and hope that the body tone will follow.

Thanks for reading.


----------



## Married but Happy

Her body, her choice. Ask for change, or divorce - your choice.


----------



## A Bit Much

Did you make it clear to her before marriage that a requirement of hers would be to stay toned to your expectations? Was she into working out when you dated?


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Since she looked the same 6 months ago when you married her so I think you are being too harsh. She is at a healthy weight for her height. You knew this was her figure and you knew she wasn't the type to spend all her time in the gym so why are you trying to change her now?


----------



## yeah_right

I think you need to post a pic of your abs on TAM so we can determine if you are qualified to have these concerns.


----------



## Blonde

Are you using porn? She can never live up to that!

High Fructose Porn Syrup | Married Man Sex Life


----------



## Ms. GP

Some people just don't like the gym. Mabye she would like to take a class instead. Yoga, pilates, or mabye you guys could take a dance class together. Something fun. I wouldn't mention anything about her body. mabye just a, " hey honey, I've always wanted to try this. Wanna go with me?"


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

So, here's the money question: If you were never attracted to her body when you were dating, why did you stay with her and get married?


----------



## married tech

I for one can relate. My wife has a similar attitude about her general health. 

BTW feeling 40 if done right is not bad at all! I'm 39 and in good shape and generally feel great! 

When we first met around 4 years ago she was a well built attractive woman. At the time she was a fit toned sexy 6'1" 190- 200# amazon build of a woman who looked and acted about 5 - 10 years younger than she was. On top of that she had a wonderful personality that fit with mine very well. 

Now she is in the 240 - 250 #'s has at best 1/2 her former stamina plus little muscular tone or strength and is convinced that she is as with your wife "an old woman" and has made it very clear that now that she is married she does not have to take care of herself because just as your wife said "it's her body" and to be honest more days than not her personality/attitude rather stinks. 

I however in these last 4 years have went from size 40 pants being a bit tight to now being able to wear 38's over heavy long underwear comfortably. Without the long underwear I am now down to the fourth notch on my belt that used to be on notch one four years ago. 

I keep myself up and try and use that as a positive encouragement but so far all it does is cause more problems than help.

Sound familiar?  

BTW my wife has hypothyroidism, high blood pressure and likely one or more secondary psychological issues I am trying to get her to get help for. 
The hypothyroidism and high blood pressure is likely her primary trigger for the attitude and loss of interest in staying in shape. 

Has your wife been properly tested for either?


----------



## catfan

*Re: Re: My wife's figure doesn't turn me on*



Plan 9 from OS said:


> So, here's the money question: If you were never attracted to her body when you were dating, why did you stay with her and get married?


Seriously, if you think she is so unattractive, you shouldn't have married her. And I think she doesn't have to change a thing about herself, you went into the marriage without the right feelings for her.


----------



## PGP

A Bit Much said:


> Did you make it clear to her before marriage that a requirement of hers would be to stay toned to your expectations?


Good question. We went to pre-marital counseling not because there was anything wrong but to strengthen our relationship. This is one of the issues that came up and she knows what turns me on. She knows I like slim (or toned) girls and that a flat stomach turns me on. Her working our turns me on as well (it's just the thought that she's taking care of herself).

I know things come up in life (pregnancy/illness/stress) etc. that affect you physically. I'm not expecting her to be in perfect shape all the time, not even now.



> Was she into working out when you dated?


She worked out in the past and when we first started dating then it all slowed down and stopped until it re-started recently. She knows that she has to work out for her health and one side of her wants to do it. The other side would prefer to watch reality TV and sit on the couch. It's a constant battle for her to do what she knows is the right thing for her health and just sit and watch TV. 

Working out isn't a way of life for her. She see's it as a necessity she will do but would prefer to avoid. I'm the same (but not as bad). That being said, we recently went on a hike and she liked it and wants to go again.


----------



## PBear

What do you mean, "used to"? You've only been married for 6 months! Why did you marry her?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## yeah_right

Do the math...

Calculate Your BMI - Standard BMI Calculator


----------



## Bridge

I'm confused like everyone else, what even attracted you to her in the first place and why is it gone? I'm trying to understand, is it more her attitude towards health and hygiene or is she lazy? I can see how that would be frustrating if you're active and she's a couch potato. 

But I keep asking myself how could you have not known?


----------



## learning to love myself

PGP said:


> Hi All,
> 
> New poster here. Here's my story, thanks for reading. I've been married 6 months now and whereas I love my wife and would never dream of cheating on her, her figure doesn't turn me on like it used to. For the record she's not fat (5'3" 114 lbs) but she's not toned either. She has a bit of a belly, small love handles and a soft, flabby butt which a much as I try, I simply can't find attractive. For the record I'm slim and in good shape, gym 3-4x a week to stay that way. Also she's never been pregnant.
> 
> I'm finding it really difficult to raise this issue. I did once in the past (before we got married) and she flipped out, then calmed down and realized I had a point. The only thing changed is that she now says she's happy with her weight and figure.
> 
> Now she thinks her body looks great, or at least she doesn't really acknowledge its changed. She's obsessed with having T&A. When I once pointed out that a soft jiggly ass, no matter how small or large wasn't much of a turn on, her rebuttal was that all guys love a big butt, and I'm the weird one for not liking it. It wasn't worth kicking off a debate by going into the merits of what makes a good ass. When we see attractive girls on TV, if they are not curvy she calls these girls "disgustingly thin." I'm not talking anorexic, just normal, toned and in shape. She says that she's a curvy girl with T&A and she'll never be skinny. I don't expect that but is it too much to expect her to be toned?
> 
> She knows she has a bit of a belly, and knows I find a flat stomach attractive. She points to it at times and complains that certain dresses make her look pregnant, especially without wearing spanx. I can't bring it to myself to bring up that it's not the dress and that she's not permanently bloated (another reason she gives). Once when I referenced her belly in passing she got mad at me.
> 
> For her health (primarily and also and body tone), I finally got her to go to the gym. It's not hard, we have one in our building. She's just started for half an hour 2x a week, I'm hopeful she keeps it up. She needs it not just for her body/weight but also for her health. She knows it's essential for her health and that she needs to go. I pretty much broke down crying to her one day about how she need to exercise regularly for her own health. I was sick of her lethargy and general being out of shape and idleness as a result. In her own words "I feel like a 40 year old" (she's 25). I can't sit by and watch her not look after herself. She realizes this and the other day broke down feeling bad that her health problems (recent stomach issues and previous lethargy) would make me feel like I had married someone "defective" and not what I expected.
> 
> It took me a lot of pressure to get her to go to the gym, then she stopped and now recently she re-started. It appears that she won't go of her own accord, I have to push her to go constantly and this stresses our relationship as well and makes me feel like she's my child and I'm making her do what's best for her.
> 
> I went once with her and she was walking on a treadmill and I suggested she run. She got mad and now refuses to go to the gym with me ever. Maybe I didn't say the smartest thing in the world but it was hardly an insult. Yesterday after she went to the gym she piled on the carbs (rice) because working out gives her cravings for them, then shot me a nasty look when I said it probably wasn't the best idea, and said she's working out for health not to lose weight. Worth pointing out at this stage that if we're lying in bed and I put my hand on her 'belly' she tends to move it.
> 
> Her thoughts are "I have a belly but you're not allowed to say anything, it's my body and I can do what I want."
> 
> It's reached the stage where I really don't know what to do. I know to some of you reading this I sound like a judgmental *******, and I know I've made mistakes in how to approach this. But I can't control my feelings and impulses, and this isn't an issue I'm exactly experienced in discussing. I try my best to look good for my wife, isn't it fair to expect the same from her?
> 
> The wife has noticed I don't look at her like I used to and I'm not as interested in sex as before. I've been blaming my appearing distant on work stresses. She's had stomach issues recently and some bloating (but not enough to explain the issue at hand here), so I feel this would be an exceptionally bad time to raise it, but is there ever a good time? Or should I continue by task of getting her to workout more and eat better for her own health, and hope that the body tone will follow.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


There is no way for me to say this without being mean.

You are a jerk, why did you marry her? You have only been married 6 months and you feel this way? 
You are worried about her health? take her to a doctor and see what he says. She is HWP....

What are you going to do if she does have a baby? She will never look the same and if you don't find her figure attractive now, you will get a rude awaking after that baby arrives.

There is a very small percentage of women who look amazing after having a baby and those woman usually are rolling in money and can afford to hire a personal trainer or have surgery.

If you want to keep this relationship you need to be careful, she will start to resent you for making her feel unattractive. 

This is coming from someone who had that happen and guess what, I had no problem finding 100's of men that found me attractive the way I am. 

I'm not trying to be nasty to you, I cheated on my husband after many years of marriage, I put up with him not wanting sex with me for years as he felt I could use to lose some weight and tone up. Believe me I tried to look better for him.

I felt fat and unattractive and it caused me a lot of pain. Then one day a man told me I was beautiful and sexy and it was all down hill from there. I smiled more and it was the oddest thing I was being hit on all of the time. 

I regret cheating on my husband, I just want you to realize she is 25 and only 6 months vested in this marriage she may not wait years before saying good bye.


----------



## treyvion

PGP said:


> Hi All,
> 
> New poster here. Here's my story, thanks for reading. I've been married 6 months now and whereas I love my wife and would never dream of cheating on her, her figure doesn't turn me on like it used to. For the record she's not fat (5'3" 114 lbs) but she's not toned either. She has a bit of a belly, small love handles and a soft, flabby butt which a much as I try, I simply can't find attractive. For the record I'm slim and in good shape, gym 3-4x a week to stay that way. Also she's never been pregnant.
> 
> I'm finding it really difficult to raise this issue. I did once in the past (before we got married) and she flipped out, then calmed down and realized I had a point. The only thing changed is that she now says she's happy with her weight and figure.
> 
> Now she thinks her body looks great, or at least she doesn't really acknowledge its changed. She's obsessed with having T&A. When I once pointed out that a soft jiggly ass, no matter how small or large wasn't much of a turn on, her rebuttal was that all guys love a big butt, and I'm the weird one for not liking it. It wasn't worth kicking off a debate by going into the merits of what makes a good ass. When we see attractive girls on TV, if they are not curvy she calls these girls "disgustingly thin." I'm not talking anorexic, just normal, toned and in shape. She says that she's a curvy girl with T&A and she'll never be skinny. I don't expect that but is it too much to expect her to be toned?
> 
> She knows she has a bit of a belly, and knows I find a flat stomach attractive. She points to it at times and complains that certain dresses make her look pregnant, especially without wearing spanx. I can't bring it to myself to bring up that it's not the dress and that she's not permanently bloated (another reason she gives). Once when I referenced her belly in passing she got mad at me.


You can't say anything really. I think you could say that your normal preference is atheletic build like on a sprinter or volleyball player. Give a point of reference. If she needs to add 10 lbs of muscle and some fat in strategic places give an idea.



PGP said:


> For her health (primarily and also and body tone), I finally got her to go to the gym. It's not hard, we have one in our building. She's just started for half an hour 2x a week, I'm hopeful she keeps it up. She needs it not just for her body/weight but also for her health. She knows it's essential for her health and that she needs to go. I pretty much broke down crying to her one day about how she need to exercise regularly for her own health. I was sick of her lethargy and general being out of shape and idleness as a result. In her own words "I feel like a 40 year old" (she's 25). I can't sit by and watch her not look after herself. She realizes this and the other day broke down feeling bad that her health problems (recent stomach issues and previous lethargy) would make me feel like I had married someone "defective" and not what I expected.


She's gotta eat good too. Like I said, if she's going to do it serious and improve her body image get an idea of where the muscle and fat would be added. If she needs more thighs and a$$ muscle, then she would do squats and lunges for example, and eat a caloric surplus so muscle is built.



PGP said:


> It took me a lot of pressure to get her to go to the gym, then she stopped and now recently she re-started. It appears that she won't go of her own accord, I have to push her to go constantly and this stresses our relationship as well and makes me feel like she's my child and I'm making her do what's best for her.
> 
> I went once with her and she was walking on a treadmill and I suggested she run. She got mad and now refuses to go to the gym with me ever. Maybe I didn't say the smartest thing in the world but it was hardly an insult. Yesterday after she went to the gym she piled on the carbs (rice) because working out gives her cravings for them, then shot me a nasty look when I said it probably wasn't the best idea, and said she's working out for health not to lose weight. Worth pointing out at this stage that if we're lying in bed and I put my hand on her 'belly' she tends to move it.


Her mind and energy is going to feel better being in the gym.



PGP said:


> Her thoughts are "I have a belly but you're not allowed to say anything, it's my body and I can do what I want."
> 
> It's reached the stage where I really don't know what to do. I know to some of you reading this I sound like a judgmental *******, and I know I've made mistakes in how to approach this. But I can't control my feelings and impulses, and this isn't an issue I'm exactly experienced in discussing. I try my best to look good for my wife, isn't it fair to expect the same from her?
> 
> The wife has noticed I don't look at her like I used to and I'm not as interested in sex as before. I've been blaming my appearing distant on work stresses. She's had stomach issues recently and some bloating (but not enough to explain the issue at hand here), so I feel this would be an exceptionally bad time to raise it, but is there ever a good time? Or should I continue by task of getting her to workout more and eat better for her own health, and hope that the body tone will follow.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


Lead by example and get her into it with you. If she takes off on her own tangent let her. Give her an idea be constructive about it and learn to appreciate the effort.


----------



## PGP

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Since she looked the same 6 months ago when you married her so I think you are being too harsh. She is at a healthy weight for her height. You knew this was her figure and you knew she wasn't the type to spend all her time in the gym so why are you trying to change her now?


Before we got married she put on some weight that she put down to the stress of the wedding (it was very stressful), and said she would lose it after. Then we went on our honeymoon (all inclusive) and understandably she ate a lot and said she'd get in shape afterwards. But that didn't happen.

For the record I don't think she's put on much weight since we got married, but she does look different. It's as though any muscle tone she had has turned to fat. I know that sounds really harsh, I just don't know a better way of saying it.


----------



## Coffee Amore

PGP said:


> Hi All,
> 
> For the record she's not fat (5'3" 114 lbs) but she's not toned either. She has a bit of a belly, small love handles and a soft, flabby butt which a much as I try, I simply can't find attractive. For the record I'm slim and in good shape, gym 3-4x a week to stay that way. Also she's never been pregnant.


Her weight is perfectly fine for her height. A lot of women at her height would kill to be at 114 pounds!

It sounds to me like you're saying she's "skinny fat". Her weight is perfectly fine, but you think she feels squishy and looks jiggly. Weight training will help, but it's up to her to do it. It sounds like you're pressuring her and she's rebelling against it. The dynamic you have going now is counterproductive to her self-esteem and your marriage. If I were you, I'd drop any talk about going go the gym. At least for a while. Making this a battle, isn't going to help you. Focus on things she enjoys like the hike. Take brisk walks together in the evening. Go to the beach/lake. Even sex done right can tone up muscles.


----------



## married tech

> Do the math...


That BMI calculator is terrible. It has no allowances for skeletal or muscle build. 

It says I am obese but according to my last major physical where the fact that I am of German and scandinavian descent was taken into account I have a nice healthy BMI for a guy who is of a large frame dense muscle mass type build. 

If I was obese I would have no trouble floating in the pool. I do have trouble. I sink like a stone. Obesely fat people don't have a body density greater than water. 

That said I will admit I could lose 10 -15 #'s but it's not critical for my health to do it.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

PGP said:


> The wife has noticed I don't look at her like I used to and I'm not as interested in sex as before. I've been blaming my appearing distant on work stresses. She's had stomach issues recently and some bloating (but not enough to explain the issue at hand here), so I feel this would be an exceptionally bad time to raise it, but is there ever a good time? Or should I continue by task of getting her to workout more and eat better for her own health, and hope that the body tone will follow.


Also- This could really come back to bite you. IME once a girl feels like their spouse thinks they are too unattractive to want to sleep with you, it's very hard to come back from that. You're looking at a lot of resentment, hurt feelings, insecurity, potential body image issues, sexual issues, lack of trust, etc. Is that all worth it to you when she is at a healthy weight and happy about herself now? 
It's not the same as a woman who was fit when you married but let herself go, this is who she is and you chose her, now you're saying she's not good enough.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

PGP said:


> Before we got married she put on some weight that she put down to the stress of the wedding (it was very stressful), and said she would lose it after. Then we went on our honeymoon (all inclusive) and understandably she ate a lot and said she'd get in shape afterwards. But that didn't happen.
> 
> For the record I don't think she's put on much weight since we got married, but she does look different. It's as though any muscle tone she had has turned to fat. I know that sounds really harsh, I just don't know a better way of saying it.



Here is a point of reference for you. I just weighed my 7 yo daughter. She's tall for her age, but only around 4'6" give or take. She weighs 71 lbs. That's 42 lbs less than your wife. My daughter is very active and doesn't have a lot of fat on her, so she has a very athletic build. This confirms for me that you must not have really been attracted to your wife - ever - based on your preferences for what a woman should look like. Given what you wrote, she didn't put on much weight so I highly doubt her body changed much at all. I'm not trying to shame you or to make you feel bad. You like what you like and it's good to know yourself. So it begs the question as to why did you marry someone you did not find attractive physically?


----------



## PGP

married tech said:


> I for one can relate. My wife has a similar attitude about her general health.
> 
> BTW feeling 40 if done right is not bad at all! I'm 39 and in good shape and generally feel great!
> 
> When we first met around 4 years ago she was a well built attractive woman. At the time she was a fit toned sexy 6'1" 190- 200# amazon build of a woman who looked and acted about 5 - 10 years younger than she was. On top of that she had a wonderful personality that fit with mine very well.
> 
> Now she is in the 240 - 250 #'s has at best 1/2 her former stamina plus little muscular tone or strength and is convinced that she is as with your wife "an old woman" and has made it very clear that now that she is married she does not have to take care of herself because just as your wife said "it's her body" and to be honest more days than not her personality/attitude rather stinks.
> 
> I however in these last 4 years have went from size 40 pants being a bit tight to now being able to wear 38's over heavy long underwear comfortably. Without the long underwear I am now down to the fourth notch on my belt that used to be on notch one four years ago.
> 
> I keep myself up and try and use that as a positive encouragement but so far all it does is cause more problems than help.
> 
> Sound familiar?
> 
> BTW my wife has hypothyroidism, high blood pressure and likely one or more secondary psychological issues I am trying to get her to get help for.
> The hypothyroidism and high blood pressure is likely her primary trigger for the attitude and loss of interest in staying in shape.
> 
> Has your wife been properly tested for either?


Thank you. She had recent blood tests that came out OK.


----------



## PGP

Coffee Amore said:


> Her weight is perfectly fine for her height. A lot of women at her height would kill to be at 114 pounds!
> 
> It sounds to me like you're saying she's "skinny fat". Her weight is perfectly fine, but you think she feels squishy and looks jiggly. Weight training will help, but it's up to her to do it. It sounds like you're pressuring her and she's rebelling against it. The dynamic you have going now is counterproductive to her self-esteem and your marriage. If I were you, I'd drop any talk about going go the gym. At least for a while. Making this a battle, isn't going to help you. Focus on things she enjoys like the hike. Take brisk walks together in the evening. Go to the beach/lake. Even sex done right can tone up muscles.


Thank you. I think you're right. As hard as it is, I'm going to drop it for now. I'm not here to beat up my wife and force her to confirm to my expectations, I'm here to support her, and I really do love our walks as we have no phones, no TV and all we do is have great conversation.


----------



## A Bit Much

PGP said:


> Good question. We went to pre-marital counseling not because there was anything wrong but to strengthen our relationship. This is one of the issues that came up and she knows what turns me on. She knows I like slim (or toned) girls and that a flat stomach turns me on. Her working our turns me on as well (it's just the thought that she's taking care of herself).
> 
> I know things come up in life (pregnancy/illness/stress) etc. that affect you physically. I'm not expecting her to be in perfect shape all the time, not even now.
> 
> 
> 
> She worked out in the past and when we first started dating then it all slowed down and stopped until it re-started recently. She knows that she has to work out for her health and one side of her wants to do it. The other side would prefer to watch reality TV and sit on the couch. It's a constant battle for her to do what she knows is the right thing for her health and just sit and watch TV.
> 
> Working out isn't a way of life for her. She see's it as a necessity she will do but would prefer to avoid. I'm the same (but not as bad). That being said, we recently went on a hike and she liked it and wants to go again.



OK. That clears things up a lot.

My H and I just had this same conversation. We've been married for over 11 years now, and we both have gained weight. He has always been a bit of a gym rat, being a former athlete, and so during the course of our relationship he's been in and out of these workout phases. I wasn't ever keen on working out. I was always small framed and slim, even after 2 kids. I will say that as I've aged, my metabolism has dropped along with my energy, and I also happen to have a sedentary job which doesn't help my weight.

That said, he would like me to work out and slim down as well. At first his approach and request hurt my feelings because it seemed unreasonable for him to expect me to look like I did when we met. Especially knowing I wasn't in the gym and haven't ever really been a 'workout' type of girl. He cleared it up by saying essentially what you just did... you can accept the changes in her body as you get older and have kids and so forth, but you would really like it if she TRIED. Just by saying she's making an effort to look fit makes all the difference. You aren't saying you're rejecting her for the sake of superficiality, but you also care that she doesn't allow herself to just 'let it go'. 

Physical attraction is important to you, as it is to my own husband. Communicating this need can be VERY difficult for many women to accept or understand, and like you my husband has tried over the years to do small things... personal trainers, gym memberships. It's not the results per se that he wants from me, but the efforts. If I show him I care about myself physically, it is attractive to him. 

I'm not going to lie, when he first brought this up, it pissed me off. My first thought was to tell him it's my body and if I want to go all Jillian Michaels it would be because I wanted it, not because HE requests it. But you know what? After thinking about it, I find that line of thinking to be selfish. It's not going to HURT me to work out and if I'm honest with myself, I know I need to tune it up a bit. 

Maybe your wife will come around to this line of thinking on this and not see you as a superficial ass in the process... but this will take some patience on your part. I happen to be a reflective person, and if she is as well, she may get it sooner than later.


----------



## yeah_right

What are you going to do after she has a baby, turns 40, goes through menopause, gets gray hair and wrinkles? What if she gets a health problem? If this is causing you so much grief after only six months, I sincerely worry for your marriage...to any woman.

I know we must all seem mean to you, but you need to grow up. You married a human and guess what, she's not a perfect doll. She's not photoshopped.

I wonder if she's the kind of girl who will be upset when you get older and grow moobs, lose your hair and get ED.


----------



## PGP

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Also- This could really come back to bite you. IME once a girl feels like their spouse thinks they are too unattractive to want to sleep with you, it's very hard to come back from that. You're looking at a lot of resentment, hurt feelings, insecurity, potential body image issues, sexual issues, lack of trust, etc. Is that all worth it to you when she is at a healthy weight and happy about herself now?
> It's not the same as a woman who was fit when you married but let herself go, this is who she is and you chose her, now you're saying she's not good enough.


I'm half way there and you're right it's not a good thing. Tonight is date night, I'm going to treat her extra well to make up for being distant. I withdrew partially and it's up to me to overcome it and go back in fully. Once I withdraw then it's hard to appreciate everything about her because I'm fixated on one thing, and I just realized that. Time to fix that.


----------



## LongWalk

Get rid of the TV all together.

Keep walking together. An hour so brisk walking makes a difference.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

PGP said:


> Thank you. I think you're right. As hard as it is, I'm going to drop it for now. I'm not here to beat up my wife and force her to confirm to my expectations, I'm here to support her, and I really do love our walks as we have no phones, no TV and all we do is have great conversation.


But are you going to be able to look at her like you used to and be interested in sex? If she's not wanting to go to the gym now, it's not likely 5 years down the road with kids to take care of that she'll suddenly be that girl who loves going to work out instead of sitting home watching TV. 

Just dropping it for now but not rebuilding your attraction to her as she is now AND expecting that someday she will change is a disaster waiting to happen. It's only been 6 months, no kids. Are you sure you both wouldn't be happier with someone they were more compatible with?

ETA- just saw your latest post. I hope your date night goes well and I think it's a good idea to treat her well and work on your withdrawing.


----------



## Bridge

I'm getting the sense this is more than just her body, it's also the sedentary habits that led to it. If she's tired, stomach hurts, and all she's doing is watching junk tv, that's fair to call it unattractive. You guys talk about when she's 40 and after kids but she's 25 and sounds like she has the free time to better herself. It's a turn off to see someone being lazy.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Bridge said:


> It's a turn off to see someone being lazy.


It works for some couples to be lazy, watch tv together, go to movies, have a fire inside vs. hiking. It's just about finding someone who you are compatible with. It would be turn off for me to be with a gym/fitness person because it's not a lifestyle that fits with mine but that doesn't make it or them wrong.


----------



## IrishGirlVA

Oooh boy, another weight thread! Yippee! 

I'm going to enjoy the show from waaayyyyy over here while munching on my diet popcorn.


----------



## Bridge

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> It works for some couples to be lazy, watch tv together, go to movies, have a fire inside vs. hiking. It's just about finding someone who you are compatible with. It would be turn off for me to be with a gym/fitness person because it's not a lifestyle that fits with mine but that doesn't make it or them wrong.


That's true, I was speaking very generally. I guess from my observations the most compelling people who are active in their passions and I didn't necessarily mean the gym. Maybe even something like cooking or photography. And if you're not doing anything... Is it that hard to work out a little for your husband when you're pretty much already there? She doesn't have to do some huge body overhaul. She's admitted she feels like a 40 year old in a 25 year olds body. 

Maybe it's not a turn off but who wants to watch an adult play video games half the day, or disengage in front of the tv for hours in a way where you are not exploring together? If that makes sense. I'm wondering if this is what's going on. I do question why they got married, they seem to have different interests and now the physical chemistry is gone too. I do feel for her but this looks like a request that would benefit them both.


----------



## PGP

A Bit Much said:


> Physical attraction is important to you, as it is to my own husband. Communicating this need can be VERY difficult for many women to accept or understand, and like you my husband has tried over the years to do small things... personal trainers, gym memberships. * It's not the results per se that he wants from me, but the efforts. If I show him I care about myself physically, it is attractive to him. *


Bingo! What really turns me off is coming home and seeing her in front of the TV when she's not exercised all week, then complain about having no energy. I've offered to cook, clean, whatever she wants, if it gives her the time to go to the gym or exercise. And she is making the effort, I just need to stay supportive and patient. I've told her before she takes care of me or the household, or anyone else, she has to take care of herself first, and she gets it. I want her to be healthy more than anything else (including how she looks).

To clarify one thing, we never lived together until the day after our wedding. So there were a few things I didn't really know about her, until we lived together, and I'm sure there's a lot she didn't know about me. 



> I'm getting the sense this is more than just her body, it's also the sedentary habits that led to it. If she's tired, stomach hurts, and all she's doing is watching junk tv, that's fair to call it unattractive. You guys talk about when she's 40 and after kids but she's 25 and sounds like she has the free time to better herself. It's a turn off to see someone being lazy.


That's exactly what it is. On reflection she wants to make changes and knows it's for her best, but they take time, and I need be patient and supportive.

I'm going to take a break from here guys and get back to work. Thanks all for your responses.


----------



## Cletus

PGP said:


> Thank you. I think you're right. As hard as it is, I'm going to drop it for now. I'm not here to beat up my wife and force her to confirm to my expectations, I'm here to support her, and I really do love our walks as we have no phones, no TV and all we do is have great conversation.


But you're not going to drop it, really, are you? 

You say you're not attracted to your wife's body. That's not the same thing as saying she could stand to lose a couple of pounds. You're going to start looking at the gym rats and comparing them to your wife. She's not going to measure up. You're going to get resentful that you married a "fatty". If she doesn't stay in tip top shape, and none of us can who aren't truly dedicated to it, you're going to be dissastisfied.

You're going to have to figure out how to change your thinking about the matter, especially given that your wife has a perfectly reasonable weight for her height.


----------



## Sennik

A Bit Much said:


> OK. That clears things up a lot.
> 
> My H and I just had this same conversation. We've been married for over 11 years now, and we both have gained weight. He has always been a bit of a gym rat, being a former athlete, and so during the course of our relationship he's been in and out of these workout phases. I wasn't ever keen on working out. I was always small framed and slim, even after 2 kids. I will say that as I've aged, my metabolism has dropped along with my energy, and I also happen to have a sedentary job which doesn't help my weight.
> 
> That said, he would like me to work out and slim down as well. At first his approach and request hurt my feelings because it seemed unreasonable for him to expect me to look like I did when we met. Especially knowing I wasn't in the gym and haven't ever really been a 'workout' type of girl. He cleared it up by saying essentially what you just did... you can accept the changes in her body as you get older and have kids and so forth, but you would really like it if she TRIED. Just by saying she's making an effort to look fit makes all the difference. You aren't saying you're rejecting her for the sake of superficiality, but you also care that she doesn't allow herself to just 'let it go'.
> 
> Physical attraction is important to you, as it is to my own husband. Communicating this need can be VERY difficult for many women to accept or understand, and like you my husband has tried over the years to do small things... personal trainers, gym memberships. It's not the results per se that he wants from me, but the efforts. If I show him I care about myself physically, it is attractive to him.
> 
> I'm not going to lie, when he first brought this up, it pissed me off. My first thought was to tell him it's my body and if I want to go all Jillian Michaels it would be because I wanted it, not because HE requests it. But you know what? After thinking about it, I find that line of thinking to be selfish. It's not going to HURT me to work out and if I'm honest with myself, I know I need to tune it up a bit.
> 
> Maybe your wife will come around to this line of thinking on this and not see you as a superficial ass in the process... but this will take some patience on your part. I happen to be a reflective person, and if she is as well, she may get it sooner than later.


:smthumbup:

Great post! 

This is exactly the way my wife and I look at this particular subject. It is high on my list (#2) but not on hers. It was NOT easy in the beginning much like you described but now after finding a gym that we both enjoy and sticking with it for a while she is leaps and bounds in a better place both physically and mentally.

Over time talks about this have switched from me suggesting things to *her* actively making changes and asking for input.

The fact that she is trying so hard to meet my need trumps not being at her goal yet, and she gets immense appreciation and reciprocation from me because of it.


----------



## Sennik

Cletus said:


> You say you're not attracted to your wife's body. That's not the same thing as saying she could stand to lose a couple of pounds. You're going to start looking at the gym rats and comparing them to your wife. She's not going to measure up. You're going to get resentful that you married a "fatty". If she doesn't stay in tip top shape, and none of us can who aren't truly dedicated to it, you're going to be dissastisfied.


I'm not so sure about that. The OP articulated almost verbatim my outlook on this subject. I DO NOT compare my wife to others at the gym, and one of the female members is on the NPC bikini circuit. She is absolutely stunning. But no way I can ask my wife to even come close to that level. 

I resented my wife for not TRYING to meet my needs, as it sounds like the OP does. I have NEVER resented her efforts or not meeting mine (and now her) goals.


----------



## Cletus

Sennik said:


> I'm not so sure about that. The OP articulated almost verbatim my outlook on this subject. I DO NOT compare my wife to others at the gym, and one of the female members is on the NPC bikini circuit. She is absolutely stunning. But no way I can ask my wife to even come close to that level.
> 
> I resented my wife for not TRYING to meet my needs, as it sounds like the OP does. I have NEVER resented her efforts or not meeting mine (and now her) goals.


Does your wife's body turn you on? If she could maintain it with no effort whatsoever, would it be good enough? Or does she slide by on bonus points for effort? 

What would happen if the effort waned, for any one of a number of reasons, good and bad?

My wife has never been physically inclined to work on her body. I knew that going in. I still find her attractive, even overweight. Which doesn't make me superior, it just means I don't have to worry about this particular problem. But I wonder what it would be like to come home to a body I don't find attractive for 30 years. Sounds like a passion killer.


----------



## yeah_right

Sennik said:


> I resented my wife for not TRYING to meet *my* needs, as it sounds like the OP does. I have NEVER resented her efforts or not meeting *mine* (and now her) goals.


Just bolding words that stood out to me.


----------



## Sennik

Cletus said:


> But you're not going to drop it, really, are you?
> 
> 
> You're going to have to figure out how to change your thinking about the matter, especially given that your wife has a perfectly reasonable weight for her height.


For now. A sedentary lifestyle will not improve this.

Body structures can also vary wildly and BMI on its own is a terrible indicator of potential attractiveness.

Fat percent, and more specifically fat percent by region is a much better measure, although the machinery to measure that way can be difficult to find at your local gyms.

I know women who are on the low normal side of BMI whose fat is concentrated heavily in the abdomen and do not look terribly attractive. Conversely I know women on the high side of normal or overweight who are proportioned very nicely and are quite attractive.

Of course I qualify that with everyone's idea of attractive is different. I prefer the athletic build, but also wouldn't turn down say a Christina Hendricks type of build, which is closer to wifey at the moment either


----------



## A Bit Much

I get it.

It isn't just for HIM. It's for me too and that's the truth. If I want to be healthier and live a long active lifestyle I have to make the efforts. This means eating right, drinking in moderation and being ACTIVE. I'm into laying around on the sofa watching movies and drinking wine, but I can't do that and expect to run around with my grandkids and travel all over the world. Not without needing a walker or scooter, or oxygen tank because I just let it go and developed all kinds of health issues.

Life is about balance. I can do all the things I really like to do, AND please my husband which then he in return pleases me. If we both meet each other's needs, then it's a win win. Right?


----------



## Sennik

Cletus said:


> But you're not going to drop it, really, are you?
> 
> You say you're not attracted to your wife's body. That's not the same thing as saying she could stand to lose a couple of pounds. You're going to start looking at the gym rats and comparing them to your wife. She's not going to measure up. You're going to get resentful that you married a "fatty". If she doesn't stay in tip top shape, and none of us can who aren't truly dedicated to it, you're going to be dissastisfied.
> 
> You're going to have to figure out how to change your thinking about the matter, especially given that your wife has a perfectly reasonable weight for her height.





Cletus said:


> Does your wife's body turn you on? If she could maintain it with no effort whatsoever, would it be good enough? Or does she slide by on bonus points for effort?
> 
> What would happen if the effort waned, for any one of a number of reasons, good and bad?
> 
> My wife has never been physically inclined to work on her body. I knew that going in. I still find her attractive, even overweight. Which doesn't make me superior, it just means I don't have to worry about this particular problem. But I wonder what it would be like to come home to a body I don't find attractive for 30 years. Sounds like a passion killer.


Yes it does Cletus. She is still overweight at this point but I still find her very attractive, even after 19 years and three kids worth of wear on the body and even though she mght not be considered attractive to others.

Why? 

For me it is not just about the physical aspect of it. It is about the fact that she is now making a huge effort to meet my needs and is no longer minimizing them.

If the effort waned? Barring any devastating physical or mental incapacitation or illness, I don't see that happening. And if something like that does happen, of course my expectations would change. I would love her and support her however she needed. I am not some jerk who would cast her aside or cheat on her because of a disability. 

It has taken some time to get to this point in our marriage but we are both actively, and happily striving to meet each other's needs. We reevaluate regularly and adjust as necessary.

After almost twenty years, the last 5-6 have been the best in our marriage because of this.


----------



## Sennik

yeah_right said:


> Just bolding words that stood out to me.


Please make no mistake. Her efforts are reciprocated. I work as hard on her needs as she does on mine. In our earlier years it was very much a one way street on the path to meet her needs. And even earlier than that neither one of us had a clue as to each other's needs.

Also, upon further reflection of my verbiage I understand why you bolded those. Allow me to rephrase.

I have an _*expectation*_ that she will continue to meet my needs as best she can (while I continue to meet hers). _*She*_ is the one actually setting her fitness goals, with guidance from a trainer.


----------



## PBear

PGP said:


> Bingo! What really turns me off is coming home and seeing her in front of the TV when she's not exercised all week, then complain about having no energy. I've offered to cook, clean, whatever she wants, if it gives her the time to go to the gym or exercise. And she is making the effort, I just need to stay supportive and patient. I've told her before she takes care of me or the household, or anyone else, she has to take care of herself first, and she gets it. I want her to be healthy more than anything else (including how she looks).
> 
> To clarify one thing, we never lived together until the day after our wedding. So there were a few things I didn't really know about her, until we lived together, and I'm sure there's a lot she didn't know about me.
> 
> 
> 
> That's exactly what it is. On reflection she wants to make changes and knows it's for her best, but they take time, and I need be patient and supportive.
> 
> I'm going to take a break from here guys and get back to work. Thanks all for your responses.


You may not have lived together, but didn't you date? How long did you date?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sennik

A Bit Much said:


> I get it.
> 
> It isn't just for HIM. It's for me too and that's the truth. If I want to be healthier and live a long active lifestyle I have to make the efforts. This means eating right, drinking in moderation and being ACTIVE. I'm into laying around on the sofa watching movies and drinking wine, but I can't do that and expect to run around with my grandkids and travel all over the world. Not without needing a walker or scooter, or oxygen tank because I just let it go and developed all kinds of health issues.
> 
> Life is about balance. I can do all the things I really like to do, AND please my husband which then he in return pleases me. If we both meet each other's needs, then it's a win win. Right?


Yep  

Marriage can indeed be a beautiful thing when both partners understand, want to, commit, and actually follow through with meeting each other's needs.


----------



## somethingelse

OP,

It's not hard to look at a woman's figure when you meet and have an idea of where she stores excess fat, or what kind of hips and butt she has. And since you say your wife weighs 114 lbs to this day, I would say that you may not have the ability to recognize what a good proportioned body is? Or..maybe you're just being too critical of your wife? 

May I ask what drove you to marry your wife if you are not attracted to her body? Didn't you say it's only been 6 months since you married?


----------



## PinkSalmon13

Oh man, and then there are some of us that want so badly just to be loved in all that love entails by a woman, period. The inside trumps the outside (within reason, of course), especially as you get older.


----------



## 6301

Tell you what friend. You keep it up with the comments about her body, don't be surprised if someday you come home and there's some guy slamming away at that soft flabby butt and when you ask why, well three guesses and the first two don't count.

There's always some one out there that will accept her with her faults, flaws and soft flabby butt and the only thing your going to have is a soft flabby wallet when the divorce is over.

How about giving her a break. You can help her by not putting her down and if you think your going to be slim and trim your whole life, well $h!t in one hand and wish in the other. I was once slim and trim and age has a habit of kicking you ego around like a soccer ball no matter how hard you try.


----------



## Miss Metta

married tech said:


> BTW my wife has hypothyroidism, high blood pressure and likely one or more secondary psychological issues I am trying to get her to get help for.
> The hypothyroidism and high blood pressure is likely her primary trigger for the attitude and loss of interest in staying in shape.
> 
> Has your wife been properly tested for either?


The hypothyroidism isn't a trigger for an attitude, as you say, hypothyroidism causes weight gain. It's one of the symptoms. It also causes depression; perhaps one of those other 'issues' you refer to? Is she perimenopausal or menopausal? Jokes aside, these are real medical issues that may cause major changes in a woman's body, and her outlook.


----------



## married tech

> The hypothyroidism isn't a trigger for an attitude, as you say, hypothyroidism causes weight gain. It's one of the symptoms. It also causes depression; perhaps one of those other 'issues' you refer to? Is she perimenopausal or menopausal? Jokes aside, these are real medical issues that may cause major changes in a woman's body, and her outlook.


My wife is 37 so I have doubts on menopause. Lack of taking care of herself over the last year or more has far more to do with everything. 

So far all research I have read and every person I have talked to that have had any first hand dealing with hypothyroidism seem to have very strong beliefs that it does cause considerable mood and personality problems in women on top of the weight gain and lack of motivation.

The only ones who seem to be saying otherwise are the ones being affected by it. In their opinions it's something/someone else causing their mood and personality problems. 

That said depression and high blood pressure are her other problems that need attention.


----------



## FormerSelf

A young woman...maybe gained a little wedding weight...at 114 lbs still thinks SHE HERSELF is hot? The problem ISN'T with her.

I can appreciate the OP's honesty...so that deserves credit. On the other hand, one must be very careful about the messages one transmits to their spouse with such criticisms...as these can be taken very hard.. I have to say that the OP's attempts to confront his wife with his concerns are shaming and is an intimacy killer. Her responses to his proddings such as skipping gym and not changing her eating show that she may very well be getting resentful over his obsession with her body.

OP, how are you inspiring her? How are you unconditionally showing her love? How are you proving yourself as a someone who is safe for her? I think now is the time to quickly change your approach...let go of your obsession over her weight and body...yet ask yourself what this means to you. We, you, everyone knows that it's not about her "health", as your title says that you lost attraction. I mean, it is what it is...if you lose attraction, you lose attraction...but to dump the blame on her is misappropriated. To make her responsible for your love and attraction is going to send her on a path to shame, unworthiness, and possibly anger, resentment, and seething contempt for a husband who is pulling away from her physically and emotionally over a bit of weight gain. What does that say about her confidence, in not only herself, but in the commitment of her husband? Of course, to you, this may be a dealbreaker...her biology...as she may be one that gains her weight in the middle...and this may be completely may not be what you expected to experience...that she was always gonna have this:

But this is the reality of marriage. If you want to inspire her, then you have to lead...and you don't do that by being her parent.


----------



## Phenix70

So...tell us about the other woman you've recently met and how your wife doesn't compare to her.


----------



## Tripper

This thread is hilarious and sad at the same time.

My wife is 5'3" and 116lbs...works her a$$ off nearly every morning in our basement gym...Is she ripped, perfectly toned and looking like one of those fitness models?...No! But she is the love of my life and sexy as hell!!!! Oh...and she's 50!










Kinda blurry....



Maybe your time in the gym or interent has given you a little fitness girl fantasy going on....Here's a girl that's 5'6" 120lbs....Is this what you want her to look like? 











Hope those pics worked?? I"ll ad one of the wife in a bit....


----------



## FormerSelf

Tripper, I know what costume to get for my wife now!!!! Arrr!!!:smthumbup:


----------



## pink_lady

How much 'flab' could a 25 year old 114 lb. woman really have? 

If OP is only attracted to a buns of steel, 7% body fat type figure it seems evident his wife is not ever going to be interested in putting a bunch of time and effort into achieving that.

Yes, we all need to move for health but we don't need to work out in a gym like it's a job for health. Either that's something a person finds very important or not.

Agree that once she has a baby, OP will lose the rest of his attraction to her. 

There are a ton of guys who will be thrilled with her how she is- and maybe OP can find someone very into body sculpting to go out with. But I hope his body is also very sculpted...


----------



## PBear

There's nothing really wrong with being attracted to a particular body type. But there is something wrong with being attracted to a particular body type but marrying someone who doesn't meet that "mold", and then trying to force them into that mold after you're married...

If you wanted a hard-body who worked out in the gym every day, you should have married a hardbody who works out in the gym all day.

C


----------



## krismimo

When he met her she did workout and she took better care of herself... then after everything had happened she let go, working out and taking care of yourself is a way of life and it takes awhile for anyone to get accosted to.


----------



## Miss Metta

When I was 30, my then BF made some comments about my body.
It cut so deeply that it triggered an eating disorder which then took 5 years to recover from. He - and a number of other people - were terrified for my life. Men need to be careful what they say to women regarding her body. Well done to her for not sucumbing to your judgements.
Metta


----------



## treyvion

Tripper said:


> This thread is hilarious and sad at the same time.
> 
> My wife is 5'3" and 116lbs...works her a$$ off nearly every morning in our basement gym...Is she ripped, perfectly toned and looking like one of those fitness models?...No! But she is the love of my life and sexy as hell!!!! Oh...and she's 50!


The wife looks very good even if she was 20 years younger!


----------



## Mr The Other

There are serious problems in marriages, such as lying about wanting kids, infidelity, one partner refusing to work or help with the housework, or being abusive. Most people on here will have a few on that list. That your wife did not take the chance of marriage as a reason to slim down would be an odd one to add. 

The options are two fold;
1.	Stay firm up or we divorce. This sounds like being a bad person and it is. This may be why you feel conflicted.
2.	Learn to appreciate her body and hope she takes care of herself. The option you would like to think you are trying to follow, but not really.
3.	Get the message of 1., while having it sound like. As I said there are two options and this is not possible.

I stay fit too, my wife is fairly indifferent, so I am not doing it for her sake. I imagine Tripper's wife is not doing it for his sake either. For the sake of the other person is a secondary motivation.

Be grateful, if this is your biggest complaint.


----------



## Mr The Other

A Bit Much said:


> OK. That clears things up a lot.
> 
> My H and I just had this same conversation. We've been married for over 11 years now, and we both have gained weight. ....


That is very thoughtful, but very rare. It seems to me that women are pushing themselves to make the most of their bodies when single. For some, that means a strict diet, with exercise. For many, that means watching eateing one fewer donuts for breakfast and having a diet coke with their burger, but that really is pushing themselves. When they get married, many relax.


----------



## youkiddingme

Seriously???? Seriously????? 114 pounds and you have a problem with that? I think you should probably talk to a counselor...and please do not beat your wife up with something that is clearly YOUR issue. She has a weight that most men and women would say is amazing. You are messed up. Especially since it is essentially the same body she had when you married her. Get YOUR issues fixed and love the woman that takes such good care of herself. And please never have kids....because I am just certain you would never be able to love her then.


----------



## Bobby5000

Got to agree not the most pleasant guy around. What have you been reading, How to get your wife to have an affair in 10 easy lessons, 1. tell her you don't find her attractive ..7. Go on a business trip so she can meet someone who will compliment and appreciate her.


----------



## weightlifter

My wife is 5' and 175 pounds.
Cry me a river.

Im 6'0" and 188 pounds. I weigh LESS than when we got married by seven pounds. I did it for me though. Not her.
I love my ability during rain to run from the employee lot all the way into work and barely work up a sweat.
I love looking in the mirror and not seeing a spare tire.
Slight bit of front gut but its very small.
I like it when people have not seen me for over a year are like DAMN dude you lost a sh!t load of weight.

Not bad for mid 40s.


----------



## AVR1962

Are you looking for a Playboy bunny? They are hard to find in the every day world!! 114 lbs at 5"3" is thin....little belly can't be too big. Odd up until recent she was fine. Something tells me the "love hormones" have faded away.

I understand wanting to have a trim spouse, that is important to me as well. be lucky, she is. My husband has gained 50 lbs after he retired 8 years ago. Talk about feeling unattractive but who is attracted to a man's belly when he looks 7 months pg? Consider yourself lucky!


----------



## jorgegene

My wife has gained about about 25-30 lbs in the last year.
I think she's still gaining. I have trouble with this. But I don't say anything. she's very beautiful on the inside and attractive on the outside.

The thing is, she works till 7-8 at night almost every day. I know she makes excuses on not going down to the gym or pool. But it's tough coming home at 6:30 -7:00 and then doing another hour of work on the computer. Shes unhappy with her weight but just not motivated enough to get on a regular exersize program. So I let it go. She was never really slim, but I sure miss the days she was 30 lbs lighter.

oh well. life ain't perfect and I certainly ain't either!


----------



## melw74

As a woman who has struggled with her weight, I find this post a little hurtful, and i am not even your wife.

When i met my hubby i was a size 12-14. I was happy at this point with my weight, and obviously so was my hubby as he found me attractive, and our relationship blossomed. (been with hubby 10 years married for 5).

Well speed through a few more years and i had two more children put weight on, and just plodded along, I knew i had put on weight and so did my hubby, Although it was not a problem for him, as everything was the same as we first met, and i was still the woman he fell in love with, and weight was not going to change that..... Sex life never dwindled.

Anyway, my hubby married me in 2008 at size 18.... again nothing changed.

Well, for me it was ME who decided i hated the way i looked, had enough, and wanted to change it so i did...... Its taken me just over 2 years i am now a size 10-12.

I cringe when i look at my wedding photos, but my husband wants some of them proudly on show.....

I think what i am trying to say is why did you really marry her???.

Have you always felt this way.???. Did you ever have a chat with her, tell her how you felt about this problem you have??.

I really feel for your wife, Maybe she has fallen into a rut, and is finding it hard to keep her weight in check, just like me.

I cant tell you how unhappy, and sad i was while i was at my heaviest, even going as far as saying i used to even get tearful, I wanted to lose it, but just couldn't.......... Its bloody hard, takes a LOT of willpower.

I can honestly say tho, In all the years I have been with my husband he never once mentioned my weight, even tho at my biggest i would always chat to my hubby, and ask him if he had a problem with me, and the way i looked, but he always told me he loved me the way i was, I was me and he loved me for me, I mean who knows if deep deep down he really did have a problem.... Well that is something i will never know. 

All i know is if he did have a problem it never showed, and he never stopped loving me, showing me love, affection, closeness, I never felt lonely etc.

It never ceases to amaze me tho how many men i see have a issue with their woman's weight, and yet they can be as out of shape as they want. but their woman has to be this perfect figure.

I am not saying how it is all the time, but the majority i see it.

The fact of it is.... You either live with them the way they want to be or divorce, and be with someone who will let you control what they eat, and how they look.

Also to add, I still have a bit of sag..... Like my dad says, I will never be twiggy..... Not built that way.


----------



## Mr The Other

If things go well, we will eventually be in bed with a seventy-five year old and find them sexy.


----------



## sinnister

You've written a great guide how to get a man to post on the Coping with Infidelity forums.

Without even knowing it, it seems you've systematically destroyed her self image. Don't be surprise when some interloper comes around and says all the right things to get to the honey pot.

And if you've made her feel low enough she WILL give up the honey pot.

Be very carefull what you wish for. She may start to train hard, get some nice abs and curvy butt like you want and then decide she wants a guy with huge broad shoulders and a physique that you will NEVER be able to accomplish.

Either way I think you've created a lose-lose situation for yourself.


----------



## weightlifter

sinnister said:


> You've written a great guide how to get a man to post on the Coping with Infidelity forums.
> 
> Without even knowing it, it seems you've systematically destroyed her self image. Don't be surprise when some interloper comes around and says all the right things to get to the honey pot.
> 
> And if you've made her feel low enough she WILL give up the honey pot.
> 
> Be very carefull what you wish for. She may start to train hard, get some nice abs and curvy butt like you want and then decide she wants a guy with huge broad shoulders and a physique that you will NEVER be able to accomplish.
> 
> Either way I think you've created a lose-lose situation for yourself.


Consider me quoting as me liking this twice.

OP
Look up "how to seduce a married woman."

The friending player uses compliments to befriend a woman first. Congratulations you made it 9999 times easier for him to use compliments to get stage one accomplished!

He will happily inseminate you oh-so-fat wife for you.


----------



## phoenix_

PGP said:


> Hi All,
> 
> New poster here. Here's my story, thanks for reading. I've been married 6 months now and whereas I love my wife and would never dream of cheating on her, her figure doesn't turn me on like it used to. For the record she's not fat (5'3" 114 lbs) but she's not toned either. She has a bit of a belly, small love handles and a soft, flabby butt which a much as I try, I simply can't find attractive. For the record I'm slim and in good shape, gym 3-4x a week to stay that way. Also she's never been pregnant.
> 
> I'm finding it really difficult to raise this issue. I did once in the past (before we got married) and she flipped out, then calmed down and realized I had a point. The only thing changed is that she now says she's happy with her weight and figure.
> 
> Now she thinks her body looks great, or at least she doesn't really acknowledge its changed. She's obsessed with having T&A. When I once pointed out that a soft jiggly ass, no matter how small or large wasn't much of a turn on, her rebuttal was that all guys love a big butt, and I'm the weird one for not liking it. It wasn't worth kicking off a debate by going into the merits of what makes a good ass. When we see attractive girls on TV, if they are not curvy she calls these girls "disgustingly thin." I'm not talking anorexic, just normal, toned and in shape. She says that she's a curvy girl with T&A and she'll never be skinny. I don't expect that but is it too much to expect her to be toned?
> 
> She knows she has a bit of a belly, and knows I find a flat stomach attractive. She points to it at times and complains that certain dresses make her look pregnant, especially without wearing spanx. I can't bring it to myself to bring up that it's not the dress and that she's not permanently bloated (another reason she gives). Once when I referenced her belly in passing she got mad at me.
> 
> For her health (primarily and also and body tone), I finally got her to go to the gym. It's not hard, we have one in our building. She's just started for half an hour 2x a week, I'm hopeful she keeps it up. She needs it not just for her body/weight but also for her health. She knows it's essential for her health and that she needs to go. I pretty much broke down crying to her one day about how she need to exercise regularly for her own health. I was sick of her lethargy and general being out of shape and idleness as a result. In her own words "I feel like a 40 year old" (she's 25). I can't sit by and watch her not look after herself. She realizes this and the other day broke down feeling bad that her health problems (recent stomach issues and previous lethargy) would make me feel like I had married someone "defective" and not what I expected.
> 
> It took me a lot of pressure to get her to go to the gym, then she stopped and now recently she re-started. It appears that she won't go of her own accord, I have to push her to go constantly and this stresses our relationship as well and makes me feel like she's my child and I'm making her do what's best for her.
> 
> I went once with her and she was walking on a treadmill and I suggested she run. She got mad and now refuses to go to the gym with me ever. Maybe I didn't say the smartest thing in the world but it was hardly an insult. Yesterday after she went to the gym she piled on the carbs (rice) because working out gives her cravings for them, then shot me a nasty look when I said it probably wasn't the best idea, and said she's working out for health not to lose weight. Worth pointing out at this stage that if we're lying in bed and I put my hand on her 'belly' she tends to move it.
> 
> Her thoughts are "I have a belly but you're not allowed to say anything, it's my body and I can do what I want."
> 
> It's reached the stage where I really don't know what to do. I know to some of you reading this I sound like a judgmental *******, and I know I've made mistakes in how to approach this. But I can't control my feelings and impulses, and this isn't an issue I'm exactly experienced in discussing. I try my best to look good for my wife, isn't it fair to expect the same from her?
> 
> The wife has noticed I don't look at her like I used to and I'm not as interested in sex as before. I've been blaming my appearing distant on work stresses. She's had stomach issues recently and some bloating (but not enough to explain the issue at hand here), so I feel this would be an exceptionally bad time to raise it, but is there ever a good time? Or should I continue by task of getting her to workout more and eat better for her own health, and hope that the body tone will follow.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


Youre getting a lot of hate on here but I dont think you deserve it. Physical attraction is important, and more important to men.

I have been having some health issues and because of that Ive gained around 25lbs and its obviously not muscle. I feel bad for being like this without having the ability to lose it, and not just for myself but for my wife as well. If my wife was fat she would also try to lose it to make herself more attractive to me and she wouldnt be offended by it.

I do not understand how everybody is calling you an ass. When you are married your life is about more than just yourself. So letting yourself go and being happy about it with your spouse being upset is actually pretty selfish in my opinion.

Still, I dont know what your wife looks like so there is a chance you are being too harsh, but your concerns sound reasonable to me.


----------



## Coffee Amore

phoenix_ said:


> Youre getting a lot of hate on here but I dont think you deserve it. Physical attraction is important, and more important to men.
> 
> I have been having some health issues and because of that Ive gained around 25lbs and its obviously not muscle. I feel bad for being like this without having the ability to lose it, and not just for myself but for my wife as well. If my wife was fat she would also try to lose it to make herself more attractive to me and she wouldnt be offended by it.
> 
> I do not understand how everybody is calling you an ass. When you are married your life is about more than just yourself. *So letting yourself go and being happy about it with your spouse being upset is actually pretty selfish in my opinion.*
> 
> Still, I dont know what your wife looks like so there is a chance you are being too harsh, but your concerns sound reasonable to me.


Being 5'3" and 114 pounds like the OP's wife is hardly letting oneself go. She's not fat. She's not even overweight. The OP has unreasonable expectations and I say that as someone who loves to exercise.


----------



## TopsyTurvy5

So OP, do you want your wife thinner or more toned? If you want her thinner, I think you should really re-think this desire. 114lbs is not big by any stretch of the imagination. 

Now wanting her to be toned would be a different story. Some people love a little extra heft on their partner and some like their partner to be athletic and svelte. If you would like her to be a bit more toned then I think you need to apologize to her and start over with an adult, honest conversation. She may say no, so be ready for however she answers.


----------



## sinnister

phoenix_ said:


> Youre getting a lot of hate on here but I dont think you deserve it. *Physical attraction is important, and more important to men.*
> I do not understand how everybody is calling you an ass. When you are married your life is about more than just yourself. So letting yourself go and being happy about it with your spouse being upset is actually pretty selfish in my opinion.
> 
> Still, I dont know what your wife looks like so there is a chance you are being too harsh, but your concerns sound reasonable to me.


Fair enough, but 5'3" 114 lbs is very thin. It's not possible to be as "droopy" as is being portrayed. There just isn't enough meat on the bones.

I think OP wants a fitness model. Hopefully his wife doesn't wake up one day and want a 10" baton. After all, attraction is important to women as well.


----------



## jld

jorgegene said:


> My wife has gained about about 25-30 lbs in the last year.
> I think she's still gaining. I have trouble with this. But I don't say anything. she's very beautiful on the inside and attractive on the outside.
> 
> The thing is, she works till 7-8 at night almost every day. I know she makes excuses on not going down to the gym or pool. But it's tough coming home at 6:30 -7:00 and then doing another hour of work on the computer. Shes unhappy with her weight but just not motivated enough to get on a regular exersize program. So I let it go. She was never really slim, but I sure miss the days she was 30 lbs lighter.
> 
> oh well. life ain't perfect and I certainly ain't either!


I am 5'4". When dh and I met, I was 121 lbs. After a few kids, I was 165. I was that for nearly a decade.

A few health scares later, I am around 130. Sometimes I get up to 135 or so.

When I was overweight, dh would comment sometimes on how we should get back to our vegan diet (when I was overweight, we were eating dairy and eggs). I knew he was right, but I didn't want to hear it. I was coping with the pressures and frustrations of being with little kids 24/7 by eating rich food.

But when health trouble came, I knew what to do, and I, and we, did it.

I wish I had never gotten off the vegan diet. I am really glad to be on it again. That decade I was overweight really was a shame. But we just need to move forward in life.

And I am so glad dh was always very loving and affirming of me, and that his attraction to me did not waver even when I was heavier. They say love is not unconditional, but from him, it sure has always felt that way.


----------



## Jellybeans

Did the OP actually explain WHY he married her if he wasn't attracted to her?

This seems so ludicrous to me. 

Wth?


----------



## Jellybeans

Also, I wonder how in shape the OP is. 



PBear said:


> If you wanted a hard-body who worked out in the gym every day, you should have married a hardbody who works out in the gym all day.


Spoken like a champ. 

:iagree:


----------



## alexm

This is such an obvious response, but it should be said anyway.

This is such a generational thing, the size and shape of a woman. It changes every 20 years or so, and every woman who does not have the "body du jour" of that generation is made to feel like crap as a result.

I have only recently noticed an increase in the toned and muscular style of women's bodies being "in vogue", but I am close to 40, so it's already different than when I was in my 20's, or a teenager.

My earliest memories of what a woman "should" look like are huge fake boobs, flat stomach, ala Pam Anderson, etc. In my parents days, it was slim (ie. Twiggy. Look her up for all you folks under 40). My grandparents generation? Voluptuos, "zaftig".

And so it changes, generation after generation. Whatever media feeds us, we eat up and we men start to believe that women "should" look this way, or that way, and that they're not attractive enough because they're not "a" "b" or "c".

My ex wife was 5', 95lbs. and a size zero. My current wife, when I met her, was 5'7", 230lbs, size 20. But she carried it VERY well. Very curvy, swinging hips, all that. She's since lost 75lbs (due to HER, not at ALL anything to do with me). My personal preference for a woman's body type is right about where she is now, but at the end of the day, I don't care. I understand why some people do, honestly. But you can't go around splitting hairs when you're talking about extremely minimal differences between your ideal and your partners actual body type/frame.

It is somewhat understandable if the woman you married was 114lbs, then over a period of a few years put on another 50, but even then, it's rather debatable as to whether one should be demeaning and shaming about it.

The OP is the type of husband who, when his wife hits her 40's and things start to sag and fall and sit differently, he'll be outta there, looking for the 28 year old fitness instructor.

And it's sad. Marry the person because you love them, not because they have a "perfect" body. That body won't be like that forever. Even if they do have your ideal body type IT WILL CHANGE. So will yours. When you're 65 and your nuts are down to your knees, will she look past that? I hope so.


----------



## Jellybeans

alexm said:


> The OP is the type of husband who, when his wife hits her 40's and things start to sag and fall and sit differently, he'll be outta there, looking for the 28 year old fitness instructor.


IF they make it that long. Dude is only six months in and already talking this way. From the way he posts, I imagine ( or at least hope) he looks like Conan the Barbarian, all cut and fit and washboard abs because if not, the HORROR (and hypocrisy). Hehehe.



alexm said:


> Even if they do have your ideal body type IT WILL CHANGE. So will yours.* When you're 65 and your nuts are down to your knees, will she look past that? I hope so*.


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I seriously almost spit out my coffee reading that from laughter! HAHAHAHAHA


----------



## tryingtobebetter

OP

Your wife is a healthy weight. Be grateful she is neither overweight nor underweight.


----------



## phoenix_

Coffee Amore said:


> Being 5'3" and 114 pounds like the OP's wife is hardly letting oneself go. She's not fat. She's not even overweight. The OP has unreasonable expectations and I say that as someone who loves to exercise.


Ok, that's true. I shouldn't say overweight, but you can look unhealthy even if you are not very heavy.

I'm giving the OP the benefit of the doubt because I wouldn't think he would be so upset, and losing attraction to his wife, if it was a small issue.


----------



## Theseus

alexm said:


> It is somewhat understandable if the woman you married was 114lbs, then over a period of a few years put on another 50, but even then, it's rather debatable as to whether one should be demeaning and shaming about it.


No it's not debatable. No one should ever be "demeaning and shaming about it".

And neither was the OP. He simply said he wasn't attracted to his wife this way. That isn't something that is really under your control. You can't turn off your attraction like a lightswitch. And neither is it "demeaning and shaming" to not be attracted to someone. Are you saying the OP should lie and pretend otherwise? 




> _The OP is the type of husband who, when his wife hits her 40's and things start to sag and fall and sit differently, he'll be outta there, looking for the 28 year old fitness instructor._


Maybe you know the OP in real life and have some inside information we don't, but nothing in his post suggested anything like that.


----------



## Omego

People sometimes marry for the wrong reasons. I firmly believe that if the intense attraction is not there, the marriage is not sustainable. The OPs expectations are just a way to say that he's not attracted. She's not his "dream girl".


----------



## Emerald

I got this one 

OP - I suspect you love your wife for her personality but her body was never your ideal.....however, you thought you could CHANGE her. Get her to work out & tone up her flabby parts then she would have THAT body that turns you on.

How's that working for you?

I was your wife at age 25. 5'6", 125 pounds but not perfectly toned. Married, then husband who is a fitness freak slowly groomed me into running races with him "as a fun activity to do together." Only that was a lie.....he wanted a hard body with NO flab or jiggles.

However, I was happy with my body & did NOT like running but did enjoy light working out that would never produce the kind of body HE wanted. He made comments & had issues with my body until I finally left him (for other reasons also).

I am personally biased here but I think you married a woman that you think you can change which is a huge mistake on your part.


----------



## Sanity

Omego said:


> People sometimes marry for the wrong reasons. I firmly believe that if the intense attraction is not there, the marriage is not sustainable. The OPs expectations are just a way to say that he's not attracted. She's not his "dream girl".


T&A will get you to the alter but personality keeps you away from divorce court. 

Boobs and balls eventually sag and we all look ugly as we get older. As somebody who picked boobs and butt and ignored serious character flaws I can attest that its better to marry a 6 on the "pretty" scale and a 9.5 on the personality scale. If you can get both that's great but statistically the odds are not in your favor.


----------



## ChelseaBlue

PGP said:


> Hi All,
> 
> .....
> 
> It's reached the stage where I really don't know what to do. I know to some of you reading this I sound like a judgmental *******, and I know I've made mistakes in how to approach this.* But I can't control my feelings and impulses*, and this isn't an issue I'm exactly experienced in discussing. I try my best to look good for my wife, isn't it fair to expect the same from her?
> 
> .....


You are upset with your wife because she doesn't have the body you wish she did.

You blow off you inability to to control your impulses and feelings.

Do you see any hypocrisy here?


----------



## Cletus

ChelseaBlue said:


> You are upset with your wife because she doesn't have the body you wish she did.
> 
> You blow off you inability to to control your impulses and feelings.
> 
> Do you see any hypocrisy here?


So when did you make a conscious effort the change what you found sexy and succeeded?

I don't remember the day I decided I liked brunettes over blondes. I can't imagine how I would change that preference today. In fact, I'm sure I couldn't.

What the OP likes is what it is. What he does about it is what is under his control.


----------



## Outofluck

Tell her you are worried about her health, start eating healthier with her, and start working out together.


----------



## alexm

Cletus said:


> What the OP likes is what it is.
> 
> *No arguments there. But did this change in the 6 months they've been married? Did she have the "perfect body" when they walked down the aisle? and if she did, and in the intervening 6 months, her body went in a direction he didn't like, isn't he jumping the gun a little?*
> 
> What he does about it is what is under his control.
> 
> *None of this is under his control, nor should it be. It's her body, not his. Just because they are married does not grant him governance over her body.
> 
> The only control he has over this "situation" is to accept her, or not.
> 
> Besides, this is literally a physical thing - her butt. She hasn't put on 200lbs over a period of a few years. Nor has her butt changed that dramatically in 6 months.
> 
> There are deeper issues here with the OP, and it's being dealt with by his nitpicking - which is exactly what this is.
> 
> If he had such a serious attraction to butts before he married, then he would have married someone with a butt he liked.
> 
> I don't know about the rest of you married folks, but before I popped the question, I made sure my girlfriend was the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life, body, personality, and everything else, and that I wouldn't "regret" it for one reason or another later on.
> 
> Now if my 100lb girlfriend and I got married, and 5 years later she's 350lbs, I can buy into that. This dude is *****ing because his wife's butt isn't as firm as he'd like. *


----------



## WorkingOnMe

What does her mother look like?


----------



## spanz

have you tried kinky lingerie? There are a lot of outfits that can either hide or accentuate her body in positive ways.


----------



## teahead

If after 6 months, you aren't turned on, get out NOW!

She will only get fatter with age/kids. 

Do not bring any kids into this relationship. That will be not fair to the kids, yourself, and your wife.

Seriously man, get out NOW! 

Find yourself a fit woman who eats right and works out, and she can find a man who can appreciate her body and won't mind if she packs on more pounds (which sounds like she very well will).


----------

