# Anyone Else in a Lonely Marriage?



## Crescendo (Apr 6, 2021)

Hello all, I am new to the forum and thought this would be a good place to vent and possibly get some insight or a new perspective. I'm not even sure where to begin. Me (33m) her (35f) have been together now for almost 15 years and married 10 years. We never used to have any intimacy issues but after our 5th year of being married, I noticed that she starting changing her attitude and emotional connection towards me. I would bring it up from time to time and she would say that it's not intentional and she will work on it because I believe she truly does love me (or at least I did back then). So for the next few months everything was fine but then the cycle continued and keeps continuing currently. Fast forward a few years, we had our first baby and like many couples, intimacy was almost non-esistant and I'm not just referring to sex. Hardly any physical contact, touching, kissing just nothing. I understand this is to be expected especially since this was our first baby and we were new parnts etc. But during the pregnancy we never had sex (which was fine because we discussed that we wouldn't) and after, it took maybe 4 months until I literally kept asking her.

Now, after our 2nd baby was born back in 2019, it's even worse. I don't even bring it up anymore. I never initiate and she is always too tired, or headahce or sick (insert excuse here). I thought, well maybe it's something I'm doing or not doing that's causing this issue. So I started to really up my Dad game and Husband game with going above and beyond with every day life. This includes, increasing my help around the house cleaning, getting things straightened up, organizing schedules, watching the kids more, along with other things. I know that her love languague is "acts of service" so I always try to do just that. However, again, nothing is changing. She says she loves me but surely doesn't show it. What's worse is she will usually not support me in any decisions that I make in terms of my career or life goals. We've had the talk before (multiple times) about things we both need to work on but yet, I believe as though I'm the only one working on it. I could go into more details but I believe this is a good enough summary. 

I believe if this continues, I will lose my affection and affinity towards her. In fact, I probably have already started. Which brings me to the title of this post... lonley marriage. I don't think I've ever felt this lonley before in my marriage but it sucks. I feel trapped and isolated. Anyone else in a similar situation or has any one had this situation happen but were able to resolve the issues? Thanks for reading.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Any big details you chose to leave out like:

1. she probably lost respect for me because
2. Past lover in the background 
3. Family issues 
4. Drug use
5. Abuse sexual/physical 
6. Did you gain a bunch of weight 
7. Do you have a BS low paying job
8. Are you a take charge person 
9. Are you scared of confrontation


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## Crescendo (Apr 6, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Any big details you chose to leave out like:
> 
> 1. she probably lost respect for me because
> 2. Past lover in the background
> ...


Thanks for the reply! Here are the answers to the questions below

1. I don't believe I did anything for her to lose respect. 
2. No past lover or infidelity
3. No family issues that I'm aware of
4. No Drug use
5. Definitely no abuse sexual, verbal or physical 
6. I have been the same weight since I was 18. Without meaning to sound cocky I believe I am somewhat attractive and athletic looking. 
7. I have a good job and I bring home more money
8. I used to be a take charge person. I've tried that with her and failed many times. 
9. It depends on the situation but there are times where I do not like confrontation.


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## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

So there are two ways to approach this.

The first way is to complain, which you are doing. Endlessly analyze the situation, look for clues, blame yourself, etc. Try to fix it through "acts of service", placating the wife, talking with her, etc.

None of that is going to work, and will only make matters much worse. That is the weak man's approach.

The second way is to take charge of your life and improve your situation. It starts with recognizing your value as a man. And it involves actively embarking on a strategy to fix the situation one way or another. Immediately begin to do the following:

1. Get in the best shape of your life. If you are already thin and athletic, great, now start hitting the gym 5 times a week. Take supplements, run, pump iron.
2. Set aside some money to get yourself an excellent wardrobe of clothes. Go to a designer store and ask one of the guys working there for help. No more wearing backwards baseball caps and old t-shirts: dress like you are actively looking for female companionship and you want to impress.
3. Go to the best hair salon in town.
4. STOP doing things around the house: no more "acts of service", cleaning up her shi*, catering to the kids.
5. Lock your phone and your social media--no wife snooping
6. Start going out at night with friends to events, clubs, bars, games, whatever. No "checking in" with wife, and stay out all night if you want.
7.No sex or affection with the wife--she is a roommate going forward. If she initiates (which she will do after a few weeks) shut her down without explanation.

Now a few things will happen after a few months of this:

a) she is going to complain about you not doing enough around the house. You respond with "I make enough money to support us both: why don't you quit your job and stay home"?
b) she will start initiating sex and affection when she sees you slipping away. This isn't real: she is trying to rope you back in, and if you fall for it, it will be right back to dead bedroom.
c) she will want to talk about it. You refuse until about 6 months in. THEN you sit down for the hardcore discussion.

and that will either lead to divorce or some kind of reconciliation.

Your wife feels she "missed out" by stating with you in her 20s and ultimately marrying. She resents her loss of freedom, and wished she could have slept around with bad boys when she was younger like many of her friends did. She's bored and restless.

so she will either realize what she is going to lose, or keep on with this game. You need to stop being afraid of the consequences and get in front of this


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

yeah take a woman with two small children and start acting selfish and buy your own nice expensive clothes while actively ignoring your family and refuse to communicate. Right out of the how to ruin the life you always wanted. 

She may even fall in line scared of being a single mom of 2. But it will eventually kill the marriage.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, have you suggested to her to do marriage counseling? I think that while you've talked with her about this over the years, it doesn't sound to me that she realizes what this is doing to you and how it is affecting YOUR feelings for her.
She may just be in "coast" mode -- all is fine, just keep on.....

What do you mean she doesn't support your work goals? IF it means you taking a job where you are traveling for 3 weeks out of 4, that's understandable. If it's "I just don't want you risking anything" -- then THAT needs to be discussed.

How is your general communication with her? Do you both talk about different things? Do you have "date nights" where you can both get away from the kids and just be the both of you?

Does your wife have the idea that the KIDS are now her primary relationships? MANY women think this but the reality is that the Husband and Wife HAVE to be the primary relationship between you. That does NOT mean you ignore the kids -- they certainly need care, teaching, etc., but H/W HAVE to be the primary and be worked on. If NOT, then what happens when the the kids leave? Yeah, you both have nothing left in common and it won't be fixed at that point.

Again, I think you need to sit her down, without the kids distracting her, and get across how serious this is for you.
Don't JUST talk -- LISTEN to her and ask HER questions as to WHY she acts like this. There may be some resentments that she is holding (ask about that specifically).


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> Right out of the how to ruin the life you always wanted.
> 
> She may even fall in line scared of being a single mom of 2. But it will eventually kill the marriage.


I agree with you. But the life he always wanted is already... ruined? IMO, there is no way out. Be patient and see if it improves. If it doesn't, well, you have 2 choices: suck it up or divorce your wife. BTW, why on earth did you have a second child?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> Does your wife have the idea that the KIDS are now her primary relationships? MANY women think this but the reality is that the Husband and Wife HAVE to be the primary relationship between you. That does NOT mean you ignore the kids -- they certainly need care, teaching, etc., but H/W HAVE to be the primary and be worked on. If NOT, then what happens when the the kids leave? Yeah, you both have nothing left in common and it won't be fixed at that point.


Well, it happens. Her life now revolves around the kids and she has no time for her husband. To me, this means only one thing: she doesn't really care about him, despite what she says.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I think what the OP describes is more normality than the exception. I still believe most married couples are mismatched sexually and only a few really enjoy a good sex life. And its not a male\female thing. Its just the right male\females are not connecting with the right partners.

Unfortunately leaving two options.
1. Live with it
2. Get divorced


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You can't change her you can only change your response to her. I will say this trying to nice your wife into sex doesn't work most of the time, and certainly not long term.

Do some reading about women's sexual nature, I get trying to do extra stuff around the house to give her free time, but if you are trying to get her turned on by doing the dishes that is not how it works. Would it work for you?

What you want to do is set up a dating dynamic, not the friend and roommates situation you have now. And don't make the mistake that many men make which is the most important thing you need to do is be nice. No you don't. I would give the romantic pursuit a try first but if that doesn't work, then basically what you wrote is your wife gives a lot of talk about loving you but the her actions says you are a comfortable friend. 

I would tell her point blank you can have that relationship with her and you don't have to be married. Figure out how you are going to do that.


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## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> yeah take a woman with two small children and start acting selfish and buy your own nice expensive clothes while actively ignoring your family and refuse to communicate. Right out of the how to ruin the life you always wanted.
> 
> She may even fall in line scared of being a single mom of 2. But it will eventually kill the marriage.


I didn't say ignore the whole family, I said ignore the wife

but I also contend that he needs to stop being a martyr. He is the breadwinner in this family and he is fulfilling his duties. The wife wants him also to be a maid and nurse to the kids while giving him nothing in return.

if she doesn't want love, affection and companionship, those things should simply be taken away. And when they are taken away, she will see how things will be going forward and decide if this is what she really wants.

Her prospects of finding another quality man at age 35, divorced, and with two young children are non-existent. She will end up with a jobless, abusive loser at best.


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## Girlonfire (Apr 7, 2021)

OP, could you specify a few more details:
1. How much sex did you have in the first 5 years when things were good?
2. How much sex are you having now? Or when was the last time you had sex? 
3.Your second baby is probably one and a half or two. Could it be post partum depression carried forward from the first pregnancy and birth? Any signs that she could be having PPD?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Manner1067 said:


> I didn't say ignore the whole family, I said ignore the wife
> 
> but I also contend that he needs to stop being a martyr. He is the breadwinner in this family and he is fulfilling his duties. The wife wants him also to be a maid and nurse to the kids while giving him nothing in return.
> 
> ...


Manner’s advice is directionally correct, and is likely to be the most effective course of action. That said, OP doesn’t need to take it quite as full throttle and Rambo as suggested.

OP,
1. If you’re already in shape, definitely step it up a bit more but I don’t think you need to go full on 5 days/week hardcore (not that that’s a bad thing) because you stated fitness, build and attractiveness is already there so it doesn’t sound like that’s a primary issue (this assumes your self assessment is accurate).

2. Yes, start dressing better and presenting yourself better in general. Unless you’ve been a total slob, you probably don’t need to go out and get yourself a new wardrobe. Just step it up a bit.

3. Sure, if you tend to let yourself get scruffy, go get a haircut. Keep up on your haircuts, etc. Maybe try out a new higher end/more fashionable stylist/barber if you’ve had the same haircut for 20 years (do as I say not as I do…). The point is, you’re upping your attractiveness (for you because this increases your options), you’re being more deliberate about your appearance. For some it needs to be a major overhaul, for others it may just be incremental. Just be honest and realistic about where you’re at, and don’t give yourself too much slack here.

4. The point here is that you need to take yourself out of platonic servant mode. You’re not her servant, coparent, business partner, etc. You are her husband, her lover, her passionate, intimate life partner. You’re an attractive, confident, fun, valuable man - that she needs to put effort into keeping around. You also happened to be the father of her children and a generally good dude.

The whole -do more chores, be a better servant, be more subservient and supplicating to her, don’t upset her thing- never ever works to increase a wife’s respect and desire for a man. Quite the opposite actually, it’s a disaster. Stop doing that. Now I’m not saying do nothing and be a useless lazy bum around the house while she does everything. You can be reasonable and helpful around the house, just don’t overdo it. You will never ignite her passion for you by being her little plow horse that takes on more and more tasks for her.

5. No comment. Can be useful in some cases, maybe not in others. The point is, right now she’s too comfortable with the fact that you’ll always be around and she doesn’t have to do anything to keep you. That mindset needs to change.

6. You don’t need to be irresponsible or disrespectful about it, but the point here is that you are your own man with your own things to do that don’t revolve around her and the family. Again, you don’t need to be out late every night drinking and partying, etc. while she’s home with the kids (that’s likely to backfire). But you have other things going on besides her (and work) and she needs to see that.

7. This one I completely disagree with. You don’t need to take it that adversarial yet. A better course of action here is to be more playful, flirty and fun and sexual. Flirt with her, slap her on the ass and don’t take her too seriously.
DO initiate sex, but DON’T wine or complain or pester or act butthurt when she turns you down. Don’t reward her for it either, just go to your own thing (that doesn’t mean rub one out in the bathroom, it means go to the gym, go out and work on some stuff in the garage, go do some work, go down in the pub and grab a beer, etc).
If/when she initiates sex, Go with it and make it good.

The point to all this is to be more attractive, and be less unattractive, physically, behaviorally, in general. Practice flirting, being fun to be around, operating in your own frame rather than hers. All of this does two things:
-it will likely increase her attraction, respect and desire for you and your situation improves, you stay with your wife and have a nice family.
- it also sets you up to be a more attractive, more socially calibrated man who will have more options and a much easier time replacing her in the event that she doesn’t come around. Give it six months and see where you’re at.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Manner1067 said:


> So there are two ways to approach this.
> 
> The first way is to complain, which you are doing. Endlessly analyze the situation, look for clues, blame yourself, etc. Try to fix it through "acts of service", placating the wife, talking with her, etc.
> 
> ...


Slow clap for classic dread game. The bonus is if you divorce, you'll be in a great position physically and mentally. You'll have self respect.

He's right though, choreplay doesn't work. If it did you'd be raw from all the sex. This is a classic case of how if you treat her like a star, she'll treat you like a fan.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Crescendo said:


> don't think I've ever felt this lonley before in my marriage but it sucks. I feel trapped and isolated. Anyone else in a similar situation or has any one had this situation happen but were able to resolve the issues? Thanks for reading.


One thing that is important is to try and do things that are fun and enjoyable as a couple and a family. Ideally this involves breaking up the routine a little, getting outdoors, and getting some sun and exercise. If attempting this creates stress, stop and ask yourself why and reflect on ways to make the quality of life simple and easier as a family. Can you be spontaneous about it, or do you need to plan ahead. Can you grab meals on the go, or do those need to be prepared in advance. 

I am someone that feels the need to plan everything, and my wife enjoys being spontaneous and adventurous. That takes me outside my comfort zone and I become a difficult person, so I have had to acknowledge this fault in myself and try to get better. I also find myself really enjoying new things if I can just relax and go with the flow to have fun. 

Marriage is about self development. Awkwardly having kids can become a phase that annihilates one's own self identity (probably happening to your wife), so as a couple you have to be a team and support each other's personal growth. That in turn improves the quality of the marriage and makes things better. 

Good luck, 
Badsanta


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

she could simply be having a depletion in her hormones. See if you could convince her to get a complete hormone-profiling done. If both of you are faithful to each other, then handle it together. Receiving as well as Giving love are both natural needs n no woman wants to live a loveless, sexless life. It’s her body’s chemistry that is letting her down.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In original post you state this is now 10 years happening.

What have you been doing living with this for ten years? It sounds like most of marriage has been strained, not just recently.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Manner1067 said:


> So there are two ways to approach this.
> 
> The first way is to complain, which you are doing. Endlessly analyze the situation, look for clues, blame yourself, etc. Try to fix it through "acts of service", placating the wife, talking with her, etc.
> 
> ...


No more 'catering to the kids???' . These are his own very small children. They need his time and attention. As for the gym, a man who works full time and is a good dad to his tiny children won't have time to go out 5 times a week.
Stay out all night? Terrible advise.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> No more 'catering to the kids???' . These are his own very small children. They need his time and attention. As for the gym, a man who works full time and is a good dad to his tiny children won't have time to go out 5 times a week.
> Stay out all night? Terrible advise.


Wait what? Why not? My dad ran 100 miles a week when I was a kid, he just got up and trained at 2 or 3am because he was a boss.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Crescendo said:


> I know that her love language is "acts of service" so I always try to do just that. However, again, nothing is changing. She says she loves me but surely doesn't show it.


Just interested, if 'acts of service' is important to her, can you think of 'acts of service' that she might be demonstrating towards you?

Unfortunately sometimes I think cues can be missed, despite intention. Hence, why I'm asking about this for the moment.

I'm not suggesting this will help to spark sexual chemistry, I am just curious if some aspects of how she interacts with you could be getting unintentionally overlooked?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Manner1067 said:


> So there are two ways to approach this.
> 
> The first way is to complain, which you are doing. Endlessly analyze the situation, look for clues, blame yourself, etc. Try to fix it through "acts of service", placating the wife, talking with her, etc.
> 
> ...


Do NOT do this ^^, very bad idea.

The reason that nicing your way to sex won't work, is because she knows you're not doing those extra things out of love for her, but to get something in return. It takes away any feeling of being grateful. 

What you need to do, is organise someone to care for the kids ideally overnight, but if you can't swing that then a few hours. You need to lay it all out on the table for her, how you're feeling, why you're feeling that way and what you need from her. Then, you ask her how she's feeling, why she's feeling that way and what she needs from you. Get it all out there from both sides, the good, the bad and the ugly. Then work together move forward.

I find it strange that you didn't have sex while she was pregnant. Unless it was a very high risk pregnancy, there's no reason for that - I wonder if your wife has some anxiety, and it's now coupled with PPD. That would explain a lot.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Crescendo said:


> we had our first baby and like many couples, intimacy was almost non-esistant and I'm not just referring to sex. Hardly any physical contact, touching, kissing just nothing. I understand this is to be expected especially since this was our first baby and we were new parnts etc. But during the pregnancy we never had sex (which was fine because we discussed that we wouldn't)


That is NOT to be expected.

And this is an important question that may give some insight into this - why did you discuss not having a sex life during pregnancy and what was the rational behind not having sex.

And this is also a very important question - was the second child planned and what were the parameters and conditions surrounding the second child’s conception?

In other words, did her libido and interest in intimacy and sex return and you were having enthusiastic sex - or did she announce that she wanted another child and she charged her ovulation and had intercourse when (and only when) she was ovulating? 

Those are important questions that may provide insight into what is taking place.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Check out my book: *The Dead Bedroom Fix*.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why does someone married have not one but two babies with their spouse when the connection is fading?

I want to know what the logic is in that decision.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> Wait what? Why not? My dad ran 100 miles a week when I was a kid, he just got up and trained at 2 or 3am because he was a boss.


Sounds like he was one of those people who needed little sleep. Few are like that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm not sure I want to get into another dysfunctional marriage/bedroom situation.

I will say it doesn't seem normal to me at all that pregnancy and children slow sexual intensity and attraction.

I took so much care of Mrs Conan when she was pregnant that she honestly wished she could have gotten pregnant again.

Our intimacy increased and she almost couldn't wait to have sex after she gave birth.

Loving and making love to my woman who gave birth to my children was incredibly strengthening for our intimacy and relationship.

I don't understand why so many seem to think it's normal for intimacy to decline during and after child birth?

My desire was off the scale and so was my woman's.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sounds like she is depressed to me.


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## Girlonfire (Apr 7, 2021)

Pregnancy and childbirth can trigger different reactions in different women. For instance, I was so in tune with my body and raring to go during my first pregnancy. But during the second one, I was so big and uncomfortable that even walking felt like a Herculean task. I’m guessing she might be struggling with some residual PostPartum depression. Sometimes if it is left undiagnosed during the first baby, then it becomes even worse with the second and consequent ones. It often goes unnoticed. 

How is her relationship with the kids? I know a lot of women who throw themselves into the “mother” role and cannot continue being in the “wife” role exclusively. It’s almost like it’s difficult for them see themselves as both mother and wife. Hence, a lot of sexuality starts to feel inappropriate to new mothers. 

Was she always LD? I know that for women who are or have been HD, it takes a lot of psychological or physical stress to disconnect from the sexual self. I’m HD and very rarely do i feel that I cannot bring myself into a sexual state. It takes something very distressing for me to reach that point. Could she be struggling with something else that she’s not telling you?


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> Just interested, if 'acts of service' is important to her, can you think of 'acts of service' that she might be demonstrating towards you?
> 
> Unfortunately sometimes I think cues can be missed, despite intention. Hence, why I'm asking about this for the moment.
> 
> I'm not suggesting this will help to spark sexual chemistry, I am just curious if some aspects of how she interacts with you could be getting unintentionally overlooked?


brilliant question to ask, and for OP to ponder...


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Manner1067 said:


> I didn't say ignore the whole family, I said ignore the wife
> 
> but I also contend that he needs to stop being a martyr. He is the breadwinner in this family and he is fulfilling his duties. The wife wants him also to be a maid and nurse to the kids while giving him nothing in return.
> 
> ...


As a woman, I totally agree with this dude.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

My advice is if communication channel is open, then talk about it. Have date night and stuff like that. Also counseling has not a bad idea.

but if communication route is not available, and you are “checked out”, be prepare that she would “check out” as well and that basically will end the marriage. Not necessarily in divorce, but there will be no turning back as roommate.

how I know? I did exactly that, because I know our communication was closed and her personality dictated that she has no intention to change. And I was too exhausted for more changes on my side. Any how, my situation is now be “forever roommates”, or until she finds someone and wants a divorce, or if I still care enough to file for a divorce after the kids graduated college and be on their own. LOL

So “if you bluff, you must be prepared to have your bluff called” 🤣


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

This Elvis has also left the building . . . 6 months ago.


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