# Do not know how to cope anymore.



## Britthing (Jun 1, 2012)

My husband and I have reached rock bottom. I have become a mess I am tired of fighting with him. He has just retired from the Military after 20 years. 
Things started to go very wrong after his seven months in Iraq. I thought he was depressed he lost some of his brothers and sisters to a road side bomb.
He lost interest in me, He stopped paying our bills we got behind on everything. We both work and we had the money to pay them. I could not understand where all the money was going. He refused to let me see our bank accounts. 
I hurt my back at work and had to take a few days off. I was on meds and on bed rest. I got up around midnight to go get some water as I walked in to the living room he dropped the screen on the computer. This seemed strange to me he was always very open. This really sent up a red flag. 
Things got worse he would come home from work and go to bed. If I tried to kiss him he would just say he was tired. If I asked him to help around the house he would just get cranky and say I was starting in on him.
One weekend while he was on duty I got nosey and looked on the computer. Million to one shot he had left his facebook open. I never knew any of his pass words and never asked. I looked all throught his messages. There was one that stood out from a woman who served with him. Her husband also worked down the hall way from mine. She was sending him photos of herself naked and he was all over it. Asking for more and telling her how hot she was. I hit the roof. I Called him He was so shocked first he said he had done nothing wrong. He got so freaked out he told his command. Because he could not come home the following morning he called me and asked me to meet wit his Sgt I did. But before I went I asked him to see his email. He did give me the pass word it was clean. Apart from his chat he forgot to delete it. There was thousands. To woman in our town. I work night shift and he waited for me to leave and was up all night with them. Even told them where I worked. I felt sick, angrey and stupid. I thought he was tired from depression. Never thought he was up all night talking sex with all these woman. They wasn't even pretty woman. Most 20 years older than him. When I got to the office I confronted him with it. He was even using the goverment computer to do it in the day time. 
I asked him out right infront of his boss is there any thing else??? He said no. He lied
I went digging found a dating site where he would ask them to add on his face book. I am on his facebook. They saw our pics, my posts, family days everything. I asked him why he said he did not know.
He retired in Dec and got a job in PA we live in CA. The plan being he would go get us a place. We have horses, dogs, cats. and a goat. We planned on taking them with us. We get the keys to the new house tomorrow. I am still here in CA.
The last few days he was adding people like crazy to his new facebook. I asked him to look at it. He gave me the password. Seems he added the desk clerk at the hotel he has been staying at. They had a conversation on spanking and how wonderful she is. I was so mad. after all we have been through!!
Just today I once again asked him IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE? 
He said well a few texts here and there oh and he went to a strip club a few times with his buddies. 
I feel numb and sick I don't know what to think. I need some advice. I have become so hateful and I feel I will never change him. I am just making him unhappy and myself. I am slipping into depression. I am supposed to ship our horses here in a few months. I don't know what to do. The last two years has been hell and I stuck it out. I don't know if I can do this anymore.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I am so sorry about this. You are in a place you should not be in. Will the military fund counselling for you, as it is possible his bad behaviour might be linked to PTSD?


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## Britthing (Jun 1, 2012)

Yes Matt I have been so has he. He even went to group for sex addicts. We started going to see the chaplain on base. I just don't get it. There was hundreds of woman. One even did come to my job. I don't want to move 3000 miles and be worse off than I am now. I just feel stupid. I am 40 years old. I just don't even want to know anymore I feel gutted.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Britthing. I am so sorry you are here. It does sound like you husband may be a sex addict, as I understand the term. This is all very fresh for you. You will have ups and downs. Do you know whether he had any physical affairs? You probably should be check for STds. Take care ofyourself.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the poster hope1964 could be of great help here as she has a husband with SA, seek out her posts and find her story


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Britthing, your story is terrible and of course you feel beyond hurt and betrayed.

I agree, it does sound like a sex addiction (or sex compulsion) issue, and for that you will need the very, very best qualified therapist you can find that handles that issue that money can buy. Powerful compulsions--as I'm sure you know perfectly well--don't just turn off with a switch. Your husband is broken inside and only time will tell whether he can be fixed.

My thought is--while I have tremendous compassion for someone who has fought in combat--the therapist needs to get to the bottom of whether this predates his tours of duty, or not. I suspect not. This type of compulsion is done to relieve anxiety / self-medicate / fill a huge empty hole in his heart, but all of these issues may have pre-dated combat. Or not. That is one of the main issues I would sort out.

I hope you've had a full round of testing for STDs, and hope you can get into individual counseling and some sort of sex compulsion support group.


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## manvsmonster (May 22, 2012)

Hi, Britthing
I'm very sorry for what you are dealing with. I cannot imagine the loneliness you are feeling right now, the humiliation he has put on you and the helplessness. Is he open to counseling at all? Even if he's not, I would stronly urge you to get some with or without him....and not with through the military. Go outside somewhere to someone. I only say for you to get counseling because let someone help you along....to make wise decisions but yet bold decisions. He has to understand that you are not his doormat and that you do not deserve nor will you tolerate his behavior. I know it hurts but he has to see that side of you at some point.  You sound like a very strong woman. You WILL be okay.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

How long have you two been married? I ask because in a worse case situation if its been 10 years you would be entitled to half his retirement.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I have over 38 years in the military and work as a professional counselor mainly with combat Veterans with PTSD. The issues of PTSD is enough for a spouse to deal with then add to it the issues of cheating and online addiction adds an overwhelming amount of stress, in addition to moving to PA (welcome to my state by the way). 

The fact that you are here is very positive in that you will get help from folks like us who have been cheated on by our spouses. Your husband has a serious addiction. If you are near Philadelphia and are Christians I would recommend Harvest USA. Ignore the link if you are not.

Philadelphia, PA - Phone: (215) 482-0111

We know how you feel and being separated only adds to mistrust since he continues to do boneheaded things. The first thing he needs to do is get rid of his computer, cold turkey. You can come up with every excuse why he needs it but that will be my first action. Down the road he can get it back with monitoring software (be aware that most can be circumvented if you know what you are doing).

He can't be trusted. 

I would get tested for STD's. Seriously.

Don't do anything hasty. Any decision for D or R can wait. If you are unsure of what you want to do give yourself a week, say June 8th and see where you are at on that day.

I am not giving your husband a pass but PTSD and addictions are very common. Anything to medicate the pain of combat or trauma to include sex. 

I would try to understand as much about PTSD as possible if you want to understand your husband.

Also educate yourself on sexual addictions.

Sorry you are here. Hugs.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, Thorburn. You rock so very hard.


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