# Dates, and finding fun things to do



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Whose job is it to make plans, and find fun things to do together? And does this change when your dating vs when your married.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

This is an argument my wife and I often have. She says we rarely do anything together. Mentions how some friends went to see some Christmas Light thing. I told her that I would love to go with her. She just needs to ask. I am pretty sure it was her friend that suggested it to her husband.

When I think of the last 10 things we did together, 9 were initiated by me. She rarely puts in the effort and then complains about my effort.

It is tough to come up with new and exciting things to do in a marriage. It takes both the husband and wife to put in the effort.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Yea I think it’s hard bc we are kind of raised or brainwashed as a society to expect men to “make the moves”. To ask us out, to plan dates, to propose marriage, to initiate the first kiss, to initiate sex. To lead or make decisions.

I am not going to plan a romantic date for my boyfriend. I think we are still expected to be woed. For the man to be the do-er.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In my experience of marriages, its nearly always the wives who plan things like this.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Girl_power said:


> Whose job is it to make plans, and find fun things to do together? And does this change when your dating vs when your married.




My opinion is BOTH. This was a major issue in my marriage. I had to plan EVERYTHING. It made me feel like he never thought of us. I think I was right  


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

And it shouldn’t be a JOB. More like an initiative. Something you want to experience with them.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> Whose job is it to make plans, and find fun things to do together? And does this change when your dating vs when your married.


The moment you make it only one person's job, unless that is also what the other wants, you have poisoned the well, so to speak. You may be able to salvage the relationship from there, but a relationship is about working together. Expecting that only one makes the plans for the fun activities together can very quickly burn that one out, or cause resentment because they don't get to do it at all.

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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Girl_power said:


> Whose job is it to make plans, and find fun things to do together? And does this change when your dating vs when your married.


LOL :grin2: That's not a JOB...it's a pleasure. 

Sometimes, he drags me kicking and screaming to have fun...sometimes I kidnap him against his will and make him have fun. >

Okay, in real life we like each other and have a lot of fun together. I believe it's about even as to "who does what" planning for dates, and we actually date as much married as we did when we were dating. The main difference I can observe is that when we were dating, we weren't together in between the dates--and while we're married, we ARE together in between! 

We also don't really look at dating like "going out and doing something" so much as "having fun with each other." Sometimes we date by sitting in front of the fireplace and drinking a glass of wine. Sometimes we date by going off to a secret cabin in the woods and going skiing for the weekend. So...day-by-day we just have fun with each other, every day.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Elizabeth001 said:


> And it shouldn’t be a JOB. More like an initiative. Something you want to experience with them.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk




I agree. The problem can be that sometimes people are just happy to do nothing. I work all week and I just want to relax type of thing, except that’s every week.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> I agree. The problem can be that sometimes people are just happy to do nothing. I work all week and I just want to relax type of thing, except that’s every week.


So are you saying that little to nothing is what recharges you instead of doing things, outside of your comfort zone? In my marriage with kids and living the grind. I tried alot of things before my wife would participate in what pleased her. And sometimes I just get tired of trying to entertain her, so when l wasn't working l would find things to keep me happy. In my generation and culture the home was her domain, and l repaired and did the outside task. And l was comfortable doing this. 

But when she felt neglected, l didn't ask for her permission to help out l just did it. I woke the 2 kids dressed then until they could do by themselves and fed them and l learned how to do my daughter's hair everyday, and was better at this than my wife. My daughter hair was to her calf's and l fixed her hair ( french braided) and many other styles until she said she wanted to get it cut at 13. 

I wasn't overwhelmed nor expose to feel unappreciated, but knew it was a have to help. And l was ok with that. So the whole family enjoyed camping and fishing, while it really wasn't for me l, did this to keep the family rolling in pleasure, in return l received pleasure myself.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I'd say its' the man's job. 
If he does not keep the woman interested, that's on him.
A bored woman is a gone woman.
And nothing is as gone, as a woman gone.

A man that doesn't plan doesn't know his value.
Stimulating a woman’s imaginings is the single most potent talent you can develop in any context of a relationship.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Both people need to put effort into dating and having fun.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Tilted 1 said:


> So are you saying that little to nothing is what recharges you instead of doing things, outside of your comfort zone? In my marriage with kids and living the grind. I tried alot of things before my wife would participate in what pleased her. And sometimes I just get tired of trying to entertain her, so when l wasn't working l would find things to keep me happy. In my generation and culture the home was her domain, and l repaired and did the outside task. And l was comfortable doing this.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




What I’m talking about is doing things as a couple. I think it’s really important to have time with your significant other. And although I think relaxing in front of the tv is fine, I think couples need more to keep a connection. 

I don’t know what it’s like for others but for me spending quality time together is important. And that invokes dates and adventures.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> What I’m talking about is doing things as a couple. I think it’s really important to have time with your significant other. And although I think relaxing in front of the tv is fine, I think couples need more to keep a connection.
> 
> I don’t know what it’s like for others but for me spending quality time together is important. And that invokes dates and adventures.


I agree spending time is great. I and she both worked and what little time there was left we made the best if it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Girl_power said:


> Whose job is it to make plans, and find fun things to do together? And does this change when your dating vs when your married.



There you go again! Taking something fun and making a chore out of it.
But to answer the question, Mrs Nail was born with a missing fun bone and is incapable of planning:
- a vacation.
- a date.
- a meal.
- sex.
And I've got to tell you after 30 years it's starting to feel like a chore.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> This is an argument my wife and I often have. She says we rarely do anything together. * Mentions how some friends went to see some Christmas Light thing*. I told her that I would love to go with her. She just needs to ask. I am pretty sure it was her friend that suggested it to her husband.
> 
> When I think of the last 10 things we did together, 9 were initiated by me. She rarely puts in the effort and then complains about my effort.
> 
> It is tough to come up with new and exciting things to do in a marriage. It takes both the husband and wife to put in the effort.


I suggested this about 3 years ago. I said lets go see the christmas lights in the park in Tallahassee. Got objections. Suggested she plan a weekend for my birthday the next year. Planned it myself. Told her where I was going. She decided not to be left home alone. Could have been Florida, but noooooooo


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Thanks for the reminder. Just booked a date night at my favorite speakeasy. Cool place with a secret entrance and a password. Booked burlesque night!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Marduk said:


> Thanks for the reminder. Just booked a date night at my favorite speakeasy. Cool place with a secret entrance and a password. Booked burlesque night!




Tell you wife I said your welcome


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I know the thread is dead and gone but I just don't want to start my own threads any more.

I did it again. I agreed to plan the vacation. I found a destination, a date, things to do, places to stay. all of it. All she has to do is get the days off approved. Until that is done I can't reserve anything. She put the paperwork in but can't check on the approval because she can't figure out how to log into the company at home. there is not a week that goes by that she doesn't have 2 days at home when all she would have to do is call HR and get someone to walk her through it. or drive down to the office and ask. or stop in before or after work. Crickets. Nothing. in about 30 days we won't be able to get reservations. in 2 weeks the prices will go up. If I say anything, I'm a nag. 

Then yesterday she falls on the ice in the company parking lot. Spends 45 minutes in HR filling out reports. Does she ask? Never. What should I do?

Honestly I think I should just file the plans away for another year. I don't know why I started.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Mr. Nail said:


> I know the thread is dead and gone but I just don't want to start my own threads any more.
> 
> I did it again. I agreed to plan the vacation. I found a destination, a date, things to do, places to stay. all of it. All she has to do is get the days off approved. Until that is done I can't reserve anything. She put the paperwork in but can't check on the approval because she can't figure out how to log into the company at home. there is not a week that goes by that she doesn't have 2 days at home when all she would have to do is call HR and get someone to walk her through it. or drive down to the office and ask. or stop in before or after work. Crickets. Nothing. in about 30 days we won't be able to get reservations. in 2 weeks the prices will go up. If I say anything, I'm a nag.
> 
> ...


Go without her.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Mr. Nail said:


> I know the thread is dead and gone but I just don't want to start my own threads any more.
> 
> I did it again. I agreed to plan the vacation. I found a destination, a date, things to do, places to stay. all of it. All she has to do is get the days off approved. Until that is done I can't reserve anything. She put the paperwork in but can't check on the approval because she can't figure out how to log into the company at home. there is not a week that goes by that she doesn't have 2 days at home when all she would have to do is call HR and get someone to walk her through it. or drive down to the office and ask. or stop in before or after work. Crickets. Nothing. in about 30 days we won't be able to get reservations. in 2 weeks the prices will go up. If I say anything, I'm a nag.
> 
> ...


The frustration, starts the new year rolling in.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

It's a two way street for any relationship to work, so both.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Marduk said:


> Mr. Nail said:
> 
> 
> > I know the thread is dead and gone but I just don't want to start my own threads any more.
> ...


You beat me to it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@Mr. Nail, I recommend you plan for dates that you think your wife is likely to be able to get the time off. Tell you wife that you will be buying the tickets by a certain date. If she hasn't found out whether or not she can go, you will only book tickets for yourself. If she knows she can go, you will also buy tickets for her. End of story. The important part is to follow through and do exactly what you said you were going to do no matter what.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Cynthia said:


> @Mr. Nail, I recommend you plan for dates that you think your wife is likely to be able to get the time off. Tell you wife that you will be buying the tickets by a certain date. If she hasn't found out whether or not she can go, you will only book tickets for yourself. If she knows she can go, you will also buy tickets for her. End of story. The important part is to follow through and do exactly what you said you were going to do no matter what.


Thanks everyone ( @Marduk , @Tilted 1 , @The Outlaw , @Andy1001 ) for looking at this and taking it seriously. I know that my situation is hard to understand. I do think that I do need to start going alone again. You know going for a hike alone is a bit scary, but I did it. I know I'm supposed to leave plans behind so I can be found if I don't return. I've gotten used to going to movies alone. Makes me feel a bit like an alcoholic that drinks alone. Flying out for a 4 day holiday, Wow I'm just not sure I can do that. I don't mind throwing away the money, but actually going, Alone. Staying, Alone. That sounds a bit big for me. What if I can't get a last minute ticket for her? 

I'm going to what if myself to death. This is a man up moment isn't it?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Yes,


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> Thanks everyone ( @Marduk , @Tilted 1 , @The Outlaw , @Andy1001 ) for looking at this and taking it seriously. I know that my situation is hard to understand. I do think that I do need to start going alone again. You know going for a hike alone is a bit scary, but I did it. I know I'm supposed to leave plans behind so I can be found if I don't return. I've gotten used to going to movies alone. Makes me feel a bit like an alcoholic that drinks alone. Flying out for a 4 day holiday, Wow I'm just not sure I can do that. I don't mind throwing away the money, but actually going, Alone. Staying, Alone. That sounds a bit big for me. What if I can't get a last minute ticket for her?
> 
> I'm going to what if myself to death. This is a man up moment isn't it?


There’s a few ways to look at this. 
If you book the vacation and carry through with going on your own your wife will more than likely get mad but she will finally understand that you aren’t putting up with her crap anymore. A lesson learned, maybe.....
On the other hand if she doesn’t seem too bothered about it at least you will know where you stand. And frankly I think that’s what holds people back in these situations, they are scared to find out that their wife/husband actually doesn’t care what they do. 
Again a lesson learned. For you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> What if I can't get a last minute ticket for her?
> 
> I'm going to what if myself to death. This is a man up moment isn't it?


It may seem frightening to go on vacation alone, but planning can help alleviate that. Take books and movies with you that you can do in the evening. Go to a place that has shows, like maybe take a cruise, so there is plenty of entertainment and activity to keep you busy.

The reason why I said to tell her she has to know by a certain date is to avoid having to get a last minute ticket for her. If she isn't prepared to make plans when you need the information, that's on her. If she doesn't know, you don't buy her a ticket. If she then decides she wants to go, she'll have to work that out, not you. 

You don't have to "what if yourself to death." Yes, it is time to man up and be satisfied with the decisions that you make. You aren't making a wild decisions that you have put no thought or effort into. You aren't doing this with malice. You are working to make decisions that are healthy for both you and your wife.

Also - You are not perfect. We all have faults and all make mistakes. If you make a mistake, after having thought it through reasonably (which you are doing), then you have to give yourself some grace and recognize that you are going to make some mistakes along the way. You don't have to be perfect to be good or even great. There are many examples of greatness in people who had obvious flaws and difficulties, still they managed to do great things. I think of Harriett Tubman who had a brain injury from being abused, yet she persevered and did amazing things. She was like a true life superhero. Maybe it would help you to read some biographies of people who did great things despite horrible odds. That always gives me courage.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

If she doesn't really want to do anything with you, her call. But going to the movies or on a vacation alone isn't really outside the norm today. I'd dig it. But if you don't want to hike alone and just don't feel you can do it by yourself, hit up a buddy. Totally up to you.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

OK so it looks like this.
In order to take this vacation I need to buy it on about Feb 10th. You need to have your work schedule confirmed by then.
Is that too harsh?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> OK so it looks like this.
> In order to take this vacation I need to buy it on about Feb 10th. You need to have your work schedule confirmed by then.
> Is that too harsh?


You could add that you really want her to come but if she doesn’t want to come you understand and will travel alone. This lowers the aggressive tone of your comment without lessening you’re intention.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> OK so it looks like this.
> In order to take this vacation I need to buy it on about Feb 10th. You need to have your work schedule confirmed by then.
> Is that too harsh?


It does sound a bit harsh. Maybe start with and endearment, like Honey or whatever you call her. Tell her you've been looking at vacations and are really excited and want her to go with you. You have to book by February 10th, so please make sure by that date so you don't have to go alone.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Cynthia said:


> Mr. Nail said:
> 
> 
> > OK so it looks like this.
> ...


I don't think it sounds harsh. I think it isn't harsh enough. She already showed you she spends time in HR when SHE wants to. She doesn't give a **** about going on vacation with you. Until the 10th??? Why would she need that much time? Someone who wants to book a vacation asks for the time off like-- the very next morning.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Livvie said:


> I don't think it sounds harsh. I think it isn't harsh enough. She already showed you she spends time in HR when SHE wants to. She doesn't give a **** about going on vacation with you. Until the 10th??? Why would she need that much time? Someone who wants to book a vacation asks for the time off like-- the very next morning.


I find a gentle approach is more likely to get a positive response. Being firm and being harsh are not the same thing. It can be said kindly, yet clearly. He wants her to go with him.

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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Thanks everyone ( @Marduk , @Tilted 1 , @The Outlaw , @Andy1001 ) for looking at this and taking it seriously. I know that my situation is hard to understand. I do think that I do need to start going alone again. You know going for a hike alone is a bit scary, but I did it. I know I'm supposed to leave plans behind so I can be found if I don't return. I've gotten used to going to movies alone. Makes me feel a bit like an alcoholic that drinks alone. Flying out for a 4 day holiday, Wow I'm just not sure I can do that. I don't mind throwing away the money, but actually going, Alone. Staying, Alone. That sounds a bit big for me. What if I can't get a last minute ticket for her?
> 
> 
> 
> I'm going to what if myself to death. This is a man up moment isn't it?




I work hard and I deserve a vacation, with or without someone. And so do you. I’ve vacationed plenty of times by myself. You need to make yourself a priority because you are important too. And you need to know that and so does your wife.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Cynthia said:


> I find a gentle approach is more likely to get a positive response. Being firm and being harsh are not the same thing. It can be said kindly, yet clearly. He wants her to go with him.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk




I agree. Babe I miss spending quality time together and we both work so hard we are due for a vacation! I just booked this trip, I really hope you can get off work because I really need this vacation.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I agree. Babe I miss spending quality time together and we both work so hard we are due for a vacation! I just booked this trip, I really hope you can get off work because I want you to come with me .


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't think his statement is harsh or aggressive. The only thing I would suggest is saying "we" need to book it by...

Some people are _really _sensitive.:circle:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

As for who plans dates, both. It's a team effort if you're a couple. Making one person take on the responsibility of entertainment director gets old really fast.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Mr. Nail said:


> OK so it looks like this.
> In order to take this vacation I need to buy it on about Feb 10th. You need to have your work schedule confirmed by then.
> Is that too harsh?


All these years have taken a toll on you, Mr N, so much so you have forgotten to be your own person. And l say this as you already dread a lone trip. Why do you give her this type of control? You are just as important as she, but she thinks she's move valuable to your relationship and she proving this.

Why the reason for kid gloves. Plan set the date, don't go in circles anymore. Plan this as a holiday not a death sentence. Or you are nothing but are a shell of what was once you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> Whose job is it to make plans, and find fun things to do together? And does this change when your dating vs when your married.


*No! Premarital, as well as post marital, both partners have the inherent duty take the time to plan their extracurricular outings, both individually and jointly!

Keeping in mind that their main goal in this endeavor is to basically please their partner as well as each other!*


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> Yea I think it’s hard bc we are kind of raised or brainwashed as a society to expect men to “make the moves”. To ask us out, to plan dates, to propose marriage, to initiate the first kiss, to initiate sex. To lead or make decisions.
> 
> I am not going to plan a romantic date for my boyfriend. I think we are still expected to be woed. For the man to be the do-er.


(

Actually, sticking to the societal "brainwashing" has always worked well for me in the very, very, beginning of the getting to know each other phase. However, once it has been firmly established that you guys are a couple, either one can suggest things to do. The reason why I stuck with the pattern that we have been "brainwashed" by, is that men have also been brainwashed to view women who "chase" men as being desperate, undesirable, aggressive and/or masculine. Of course there are men who are exceptions, but not enough for me to break that pattern. 

With my husband and I, (married nearly 3 years, not a first marriage for either one of us), we both like to do so much of the same stuff, that often we can't remember who's idea it was first. I'll go online to my FB page and see that he marked "Interested" in an event, so I'll mark "interested" as well, then share the event with him via messenger and add a note saying something like "Would you like to be my date for this concert ? " with a smiley face. Later on, he might say that this was a good idea I had, and I'll say, that I saw that he marked "interested" and he won't remember. (We are both senior citizens, not remembering stuff is a regular feature of our life  ) Very often we both spontaneously come up with an idea. We were at a "2nd Saturday" in our neighborhood, went inside the performing arts center, and were both looking at the posters for upcoming stage productions. We both pointed out the upcoming productions we would like to see. So who should be considered the "initiator" of those outings ? 

If you are still in the courtship phase, and this guy is initiating dates frequently, I think it's OK to stick with that. Once coupledom has been established, the by all means make suggestions. The longer you are together, the better feel you will have for what kind of outings you would both enjoy together. With my hubby, I know if I suggest live music, live stage play or a local dive bar to hang out at, he will enthusiastically agree to go and we will have a blast. Any road trip to any where, he will be on board with. However, if I want to go to an art museum or the ballet, then I know that is a girl's night out . . . If he wants to go on a river trip with his buddies then I know I have a week or two of doing girls night out with girlfriends. At this point, we both share the planning of our activities and dates.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Follow up:
So She fixed the problem so she can access her schedules Today (first work day since we talked). And she called from work to let me know, That's a first. Dates are approved.


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