# Distance is not working, I think my marriage is over



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

This distance is not working and I feel like the marriage is now over.

It hurts so much to be a betrayed spouse and the husband has no remorse. I found an email that he sent when we were in the very beginning of reconilation. Yes it is in the past, but it was so easy for him to tell me he wanted our marriage while he was still looking.

Whats stopping him from looking right now if he was looking then?

Oh and I asked for the password on our cell account nd he said why do you need it, the bill is paid, so he will not give it to me


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your name on the cell account? If so you can call and get it reset.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Is your name on the cell account? If so you can call and get it reset.


No I think only one persons name can be on cell account at a time and its his name on it


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Start doing the 180 blue, and tell him you need to see the bill or he can come home to find the divorce papers on the table.
But for now do a hard 180.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is he still having an affair? If so, what other options are available to you? Do you know who his AP is?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do the 180 and see a lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> Oh and I asked for the password on our cell account nd he said why do you need it, the bill is paid, so he will not give it to me


Which equals no remorse. That should make your decision easier.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Does the bill come to your current address? Can you resent the password and have the new one sent to the billing address?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> Does the bill come to your current address? Can you resent the password and have the new one sent to the billing address?


The bill comes to my address, but I don't think I can reset the password. Hes the owner of the account. I can just see how much he texts nd how mnay minutes he uses by the bill. I need the passowrd to access numbers called, texts nad pics he receives/sends


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Wait until he falls asleep, then hide his cell behind a locked door or container.

Let him think he lost it.

Let it sit for a day... as to collect any extra messages.

While he's gone or sleeping, check his phone for missed calls, pics
or messages. Also check out his contacts.

Have a piece of paper and pen ready, to write down any
contact from a person or number that seems suspicious.

When you've gotten all the info you need, stuff the cell in
between the sofa cushions and wait until he finds it.

That's what I would do... aside from GPS and KeyLoggers... VARs.

Or if you've really come to the conclusion that he's not remorseful
for his actions and it can't be worked out, file for D.

This will give him a bit of time to try and win you back.
If he doesn't try, he's not worth your time nor love.

Which makes your decision the correct one.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

blue, is this a culmination of the distance and cancelled anniversary visit or solely on this new discovery?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

blue,
It is hard. You should stay strong.
Again, stay strong.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Complexity said:


> blue, is this a culmination of the distance and cancelled anniversary visit or solely on this new discovery?


Its the distance, majorly the cancelation of the anniversary that meant so much to me....The day the day went before the discovery.....

The way confrontation went. I started it with I didn't know you liked to play pool. Then I tried to end the conversation but he wanted to know more. 

I don't want to be a cheater, but I feel like joining the same dating site he met these girls on. I feel like putting myself out there. 

If he made me say what was on my mind, I wish that he would have said hes sorry. I told him that someone emailed me a copy of his email to a certain girl. He said he didn't remember that girl. 

I just feel even more like I'm not good enough, even though this email was in November. I didn't find anything else which felt good. But this one email was in November while he was working on getting back together with me. So from original crazy OW he has told me he backed off from her in November, but he didn't stop looking. Thats what is upsetting.

He is mad that I don't trust him, but he doesn't seem to want to do anything to gain my trust. he doesn't want to admit that he did anything wrong.

He wants to think that since all the coming out of OW happened in Dec and now I know everything there is to know about her that I should just trust. 

I asked a question when he was on a role of how the past is not left in the past and how I have major problems and I need to go get on medication to deal with my anxiety problem....My question was how many girls did you date? How do I compare to them?

So now I'm not only comparing myself to the image I have of one girl...Now I'm wondering what is his type?? He seemed to just freely ask women out on dates, even days before he said again to me that he wanted to work on our marriage


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> He is mad that I don't trust him, but he doesn't seem to want to do anything to gain my trust. he doesn't want to admit that he did anything wrong.


He should be doing whatever it takes. Kiss the ground you walk on. Sounds narcissistic to me.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> Its the distance, majorly the cancelation of the anniversary that meant so much to me....The day the day went before the discovery.....
> 
> The way confrontation went. I started it with I didn't know you liked to play pool. Then I tried to end the conversation but he wanted to know more.
> 
> ...


I sympathise with your resentment blue. I suggest looking at it in two ways. First, there can never be proper reconciliation until he owns up to his sh!t and expresses remorse for it. Expression of remorse is supposed to show that he can never stray again because he's realised the damage of his actions. Until then, you're rightly left unclear as to his intentions and his sincerity. I guess the motto of BSs are "trust but verify" which you should do from here onwards.

Alternatively, if he has been committed to you since that email and has remained true to his promises then I'd advise you to brush this off as a difficult day. Suppose you get answers that you don't want to hear, is that going to make reconciliation any better? I'm not advising you to rug sweep, but rehashing this stuff at a distance isn't going to work. You need to have closure for this part of your life and you should make sure to get it when the time is appropriate.

I know it's hard to be essentially a single mum with special needs kids and then have something you were so looking forward to be taken away, everyone deserves a break. I suggest you convey this him and make sure he understands his actions are very hurtful to you. You're simply not going to get over this.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Vegemite said:


> He should be doing whatever it takes. Kiss the ground you walk on. Sounds narcissistic to me.


I wish I was stronger. He feels like he is the betrayed spouse and he did nothing wrong


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I really really need a road trip too!!! I really really need to see my husband!!!


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> I wish I was stronger. He feels like he is the betrayed spouse and he did nothing wrong


That's called projection. He's selfish. Don't buy it for a second.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Complexity said:


> I sympathise with your resentment blue. I suggest looking at it in two ways. First, there can never be proper reconciliation until he owns up to his sh!t and expresses remorse for it. Expression of remorse is supposed to show that he can never stray again because he's realised the damage of his actions. Until then, you're rightly left unclear as to his intentions and his sincerity. I guess the motto of BSs are "trust but verify" which you should do from here onwards.
> 
> Alternatively, if he has been committed to you since that email and has remained true to his promises then I'd advise you to brush this off as a difficult day. Suppose you get answers that you don't want to hear, is that going to make reconciliation any better? I'm not advising you to rug sweep, but rehashing this stuff at a distance isn't going to work. You need to have closure for this part of your life and you should make sure to get it when the time is appropriate.
> 
> I know it's hard to be essentially a single mum with special needs kids and then have something you were so looking forward to be taken away, everyone deserves a break. I suggest you convey this him and make sure he understands his actions are very hurtful to you. You're simply not going to get over this.


I did try to see that it was good that I didn't see anything else nad I tried to think about what I did to make myself feel that what he did is not all that bad. I guess the most hurtful part is he offered to take anohter woman out to shoot pool during the time he was telling me he wanted our marriage to work.

The email rose questions about his true intentions now. I did not ask questions like did you kiss her, what color hair does she have. I did however ask how mnay women did he date? His answer he met many women. The question lurking in my mind, but never asked was how mnay woman did you have sex with?

Hes so unsexual with me. I feel like he is not attracted to me. I felt this before even though he calls me sexy, texts and calls me. He could just be with me because we have 3 kids.

I would love to forget all this, but I can't. Hes never gotten his sex drive back even after he moved back in. If he had gone after me pursuiing me sexually several times a week..it would have been different. It was about once a month though, sometimes every 2 weeks. Then with having to move to his parents house it just stopped. We lived at his parents for 2 weeks before he left to go work. Hews been gone since the middle of June and its been the hardest thing ever.

I was so disconnected emotionally from him on his other traveling trips...I still cried and still loved and missed him, but not like this.

The sex wasn't there, but the spending time together, being touchy and little love notes was all the time.

I just don't understand how come I have to be the one to be so remorseful. I know I did bad bad things. I've told him almost everything that hes allowed me to tell him. I do wish I had not confided in another man about the problems in my marriage that then lead to a strange attachment. I do feel like if I had not done that then he would not have gotten so angry cause I wasn't spendng any time with him at all. He got so angry that I got a restraining order on him. I did have it removed right during the time that he emailed that girl about a date.

He wants me to trust him and I want to trust him so much. I wish he would say something to me like how can I make you trust me?

Or that we could get a better marriage counselor that would not have let him sweep this all under the rug. He listens to counselors. Its kind of hard to have MC when hes 800 miles away


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Vegemite said:


> That's called projection. He's selfish. Don't buy it for a second.


Why do they do this?

Do they actually feel a lot of pain when any amount of what they did is brought up?

My husband has really really bad communication skills. I'm not making excuses for him, but he probabaly has aspergers. He has problems with relationships with everyone. He has a hard time working with people period. Hes in Construction field and every company or job hes on, there is something wrong. He has severe OCD.

I'm not saying I'm perfect either, but most of the time my OCD is more manageable.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

They never want to own responsibility for their poor decisions. They will happily blame anyone else. They've been doing it all of their lives, and it has become very easy for them. What he is saying to you is " get over it already". No remorse.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Vegemite said:


> They never want to own responsibility for their poor decisions. They will happily blame anyone else. They've been doing it all of their lives, and it has become very easy for them. What he is saying to you is " get over it already". No remorse.


I see that and looking back, yes he has said "get over it, its in the past I can't do anything about it now"

Now I'm just been waiting for the next shoe to drop. For the next affair to start, for him to start activly looking again. Then blame me again for why he did what he did when he actually gets caught. Then just become a serial cheater.

I feel like hes only making this work because it is the right thing to do for his family.


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