# Moving to hate mode



## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

Not sure this is normal but I feel like I've moved on the hate mode. I want my cheating wife to pay. Starting to wonder why this thing bothered me so bad to begin with...she doesn't deserve marriage and I don't want her now. I'm just playing the game now but actively looking for revenge. This has made me a very bad guy right now. I just hate her. That normal or have I lost it?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

anger stage

it needs to be controlled and tempered not run amok or else you'll end up in jail or have problems. Channel it correctly and wisely


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> anger stage
> 
> it needs to be controlled and tempered not run amok or else you'll end up in jail or have problems. Channel it correctly and wisely


Where are these "steps"? Do you have the list of these?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Shocker said:


> Not sure this is normal but I feel like I've moved on the hate mode. I want my cheating wife to pay. Starting to wonder why this thing bothered me so bad to begin with...she doesn't deserve marriage and I don't want her now. I'm just playing the game now but actively looking for revenge. This has made me a very bad guy right now. I just hate her. That normal or have I lost it?


I think this is a normal phase for anyone who has been cheated out of anything in life. 

If you are trying to reconcile, I think it will pass if your Cheating spouse does the heavy lifting require, along with the required groveling. 

IMO, a lot of cheaters refuse to grovel. They don't realize that they have humiliated the spouse so badly that a fair amount of groveling on their part is a definitive requirement to R.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Shocker said:


> Not sure this is normal but I feel like I've moved on the hate mode. I want my cheating wife to pay. Starting to wonder why this thing bothered me so bad to begin with...she doesn't deserve marriage and I don't want her now. I'm just playing the game now but actively looking for revenge. This has made me a very bad guy right now. I just hate her. That normal or have I lost it?


Love and hate are both strong emotional responses which can impair your judgment. You will probably be better off working through these emotions until you can reach a point of "indifference" to your WS. Once you are "indifferent" to her, you have dismissed her importance in your life and will be able to let it go and move on.

Yes, we all have been there. My WS is no longer worthy of my hatred. I can function without him and I no longer care what he does. It took a while to get there, and yes I still have my moments, but for now I have peace in my life. 

I hope you can work this out and find peace as well.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Shocker said:


> Where are these "steps"? Do you have the list of these?



same stages as grief really (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance)- you often cycle through them and even repeat them with infidelity. Everyone is different and time going through each stage or skipping a stage, etc can vary person to person



Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> anger stage
> 
> it needs to be controlled and tempered not run amok or else you'll end up in jail or have problems. Channel it correctly and wisely


I know hate is considered a negative emotion. Try to channel it to motivation or something positive.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Do your very best to control your tongue. Easy to say, very, very hard to do.

Remember, it is true 2 wrongs don't make a right. Yes, she disrespected you and herself, this is not a license to disrespect her or treat her with contempt. It isn't.

Wear yourself out physically with exercise, every day if need be, channel the anger and frustration productively if possible.

Try to stop connecting your anger to the story, try to avoid building it up on top of itself. When you feel angry, take a second to just feel it, accept it, and then let it go without dwelling on it. Google for ways to let go of the anger, some of the meditation and Buddhist techniques worked for me. It won't get rid of the source, but it can help get through the day, or minute as the case may be.

Eventually I just reached a point, went well past it I guess where I was tired of the anger, and was able to let it go. It took a long time though, and I put our r in danger a few times by letting myself just verbally cut loose. It's a dangerous game to play, and you hurt yourself more than you'll ever hurt her.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Shocker sorry you are here and welcome to the club no one should have to be in I think you should first decide if you want to stayed married or not. Start working on yourself ie exercise helps tremendously during this time do not make any rash decisions while you are feeling this way if you decide to stay married their are things you can do to work through the anger if you decide to divorce their are things you can do to work through that anger only you get to decide what is best for you no one else what works for one person may not work for another etc 

Good Luck


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here. I think the anger is really part of the grief cycle for BS. Remeber as already said two wrongs do not make things right. Just digs you deeper into the crap.

You need to talk with someone and soon. I wanted to start swinging. Exercise helps as well. I went running or hiking until I was ready to drop.

You also need to decide D or R. Also keep the your hands in your pockets. No hitting, no throwing.......


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

As a member of this team , i’m 18 months out of hubs affair. All this talk of stages, and directions , controlled , tempered ,working on ourselves, etc...doesnt really make sense until one allows time, to put, what these things mean, in place. What we bs go through, is an incredible journey of growth...but only as time and distance comes into play , can one really start a “moving-on” mindset, (whichever way it will be) and the understanding what we have been experiencing. 

So theres no "real steps” there’s just experience . 

imho,

~sammy


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Do your very best to control your tongue. Easy to say, very, very hard to do.
> 
> Remember, it is true 2 wrongs don't make a right. Yes, she disrespected you and herself, this is not a license to disrespect her or treat her with contempt. It isn't.
> 
> ...


I wish I would've had this advice right after D-Day. I unleashed the anger and hatred (which I didn't realize are temporary feelings)...I turned into someone I didn't even recognize, and I am still trying to pick myself up - not only from the after effects of the A, but from my own behavior and what that has done to myself as well as our already battered marriage.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

So Sad Lady said:


> I wish I would've had this advice right after D-Day. I unleashed the anger and hatred (which I didn't realize are temporary feelings)...I turned into someone I didn't even recognize, and I am still trying to pick myself up - not only from the after effects of the A, but from my own behavior and what that has done to myself as well as our already battered marriage.



Sosadlady:

Don't beat yourself up about this. 

IMO, repressing the anger is dangerous and the wayward spouse needs to suck it up and take it. They know they caused it, and it's normal. 

If it pushed them further away, then the Cheater was not really remorseful. 

So, it wasn't your anger that hurt the marriage if R failed, it was the lack of remorse and ability of the cheater to take responsibility for the pain and anger they caused in you. 

Repressing anger is never a healthy thing.


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Sosadlady:
> 
> Don't beat yourself up about this.
> 
> ...


I am being really mean...including telling her I had a 2 affairs that never happenned. I know its sick but she is extremely scared that I am going to leave her. Its like a mirror of me. She is VERY upset about the "other woman" and I have a great story for her too. This is bad I know but it is helping. She is SUPER remorseful now. 

I'm turning into a sick person but I'm making sure she cares. She seems to care A TON about this. She is terrified of this other woman. I think my wife really loves me.

Its mean as hell but fair play IMO. I HAVE to know if this other guy is still here. Doesn't seem so, but still a tad of doubt. Very little now though.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well this is the stupid stuff I was talking about

lying about having your own affairs to hurt her is just plain detrimental to anything you wish to accomplish, whether D or R


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> well this is the stupid stuff I was talking about
> 
> lying about having your own affairs to hurt her is just plain detrimental to anything you wish to accomplish, whether D or R


It seems this will help force the outcome...its the waiting I can't stand. Don't know...maybe I don't love her that much anymore. Confusing.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

The trouble is the difference between repressing anger, and unleashing contempt, hated, disgust, etc.. Yes I believe you need to let the **** out, or you'll pay dearly for trying to repress it, but you don't have to unload it directly on the WS. That's part of the excercise thing, talking to a counsellor, crying yourself to sleep, whatever. Like I said, you don't have a license to disrespect your WS, even if it feels like they deserve it, like it is fair, like they asked for it. You cannot live like that. You die like that, killing yourself a little bit at a time. R or D, you're going to need to let the anger and negativity go at some point, for yourself and no one else.

On a related and even harder note, would be trying to avoid expressing the negativity in your expressions, looks, tone of voice and body language. I think try as hard ad you might, it will still escape, your point will come across clear as a bell to the WS anyway, so there's no need to amplify it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

there are much better ways to get your outcome than manipulation and lying


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Shocker said:


> I am being really mean...including telling her I had a 2 affairs that never happenned. I know its sick but she is extremely scared that I am going to leave her. Its like a mirror of me. She is VERY upset about the "other woman" and I have a great story for her too. This is bad I know but it is helping. She is SUPER remorseful now.
> 
> I'm turning into a sick person but I'm making sure she cares. She seems to care A TON about this. She is terrified of this other woman. I think my wife really loves me.
> 
> Its mean as hell but fair play IMO. I HAVE to know if this other guy is still here. Doesn't seem so, but still a tad of doubt. Very little now though.


I threatened a revenge affair, but really had no desire to have one.

Still, I don't agree about fibbing about an affair.

I understand your motive. You don't really want to have an affair because it is not in your nature, but you need to know that she knows that someone else will want you. 

Please tell her the truth. It's better not to lie. 

I know you can find an affair partner and so does she. 

tell her your motive and that it was based on a need to see that she would care. 

Now, if she said, "good, I don't care if you have an affair" that will also tell you something about her. 

But she didn't. 

I do think there are some cheaters who can be remorseful. 

It's not an excuse, but there are people who cheat once, learn their lesson and NEVER DO IT AGAIN.

If you still love her, please don't keep secrets and lies in the marriage.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Shocker said:


> It seems this will help force the outcome...its the waiting I can't stand. Don't know...maybe I don't love her that much anymore. Confusing.


It's normal to feel contempt and disgust for what she did. Please don't apologize for that.

I think when these feelings come out, it will help to tell her you feel disgust and contempt for her actions and not for her. 

Even if that is not true, it gives her hope. 

If she is remorseful, she also needs hope.

I can understand falling out of love with a cheater, though.


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> It's normal to feel contempt and disgust for what she did. Please don't apologize for that.
> 
> I think when these feelings come out, it will help to tell her you feel disgust and contempt for her actions and not for her.
> 
> ...


Hmm..I don't know about that. She said she lost respect for me for the affairs but then again she is treating me with upmost respect and taking me VERY seriously now. Interesting.

She doesn't want to lose this marriage that is obvious. Also, she loves me quite a bit that too is obvious. Maybe we both got a wake up call? Again, I spend ALL my time with her now and she hates to let me out of her sight. As long as she isn't seeing someone (HIGHLY DOUBTFUL as I check everything) this marriage is actually pretty damn good. Like...we hold hands everywhere we go? Talk all the time? Nobody I know does that.

We are down to this...if she is seeing someone else she is doing it over lunch at work (30 min lunch every day) or leaving work on the clock risking her career because she clocks and I have every time sheet from her. There is NO other time unaccounted for...NONE. Is that possible to keep that going? Hmm.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

K, it's understandable, the things you are doing, some are ok, some are ok but unsustainable or unhealthy in the long term, some are not ok, and some are pretty ****ty. Some you're going to wind up paying for, probably more than the results are worth. The lying and manipulation, you need to stop. You need to tell the truth. You must know that deep down. You need to work on your insecurity, it'll bring you down if you don't. You'll drive yourself crazy.Sounds like you're going through a period of hysterical bonding, that's ok, it helps you reconnect, but it won't last forever. The hate phase might kill it. You'll need to learn to trust at some point, give her some space, but that comes in time. In the mean time stay vigilant, it'll afford you some reassurance. I think you'd better come clean on the affair lies, you've really shot yourself with that. You'll need to prove it was a lie, good luck with that. Very destructive, utterly uncalled for. Wow.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Shocker said:


> Hmm..I don't know about that. She said she lost respect for me for the affairs but then again she is treating me with upmost respect and taking me VERY seriously now. Interesting.


I don't doubt it is getting a result, but it is a result that stems from manipulation and falsehood.

You could get the same result by expressing your anger and pain or by filing for D or by separating money or by packing up her things, or all of the above.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I don't doubt it is getting a result, but it is a result that stems from manipulation and falsehood.
> 
> You could get the same result by expressing your anger and pain or by filing for D or by separating money or by packing up her things, or all of the above.


:iagree:

I think every BS here can understand the contempt and anger you're feeling but what you're doing with it is manipulation and dare I say, it's abusive. Not good. 

Don't stoop to that level - you're better than that! Go workout or something, get a punching bag and kick the sh!t out of it... anything else but not that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I truly "hate" what STBXW did, with her affairs, her betrayal, her lying, and her fast and loose manipulation of the truth, more especially with her family.

But as a Christian, I cannot choose to "hate" her~ I can only hate her actions!

And I have found peace in my heart and have forgiven her, but I will never, ever let myself come to totally forget!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your "affairs" will only make her justify the affair she had(atleast in her mind)


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

Shocker said:


> Not sure this is normal but I feel like I've moved on the hate mode. I want my cheating wife to pay. Starting to wonder why this thing bothered me so bad to begin with...she doesn't deserve marriage and I don't want her now. I'm just playing the game now but actively looking for revenge. This has made me a very bad guy right now. I just hate her. That normal or have I lost it?


Right there with you. It comes and goes. I've been in this stage for 2 months. I shut my mouth and am very careful with my words around her. Epic fail on body language sometimes though. As AlmostRecovered noted... channel it correctly. Anger can give you great focus. I would suggest that rather than looking at revenge, consider the consequences to You of revenge. Jail etc has already been noted. I'd add in there that "revenge affairs" are going to be worse than Jail. You lose the moral high ground and turn yourself into exactly what you're most angry about! Talk about sacrificing your personal integrity if you do that. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one holding her accountable. It doesn't "feel" like she is self-accountable. Friends and family who know what she did, love her unconditionally, and by extension I feel like I'm under a microscope. Our church has decided to forego anything other than what I would consider mild discipline. For just once, I would like someone, anyone, to stand up to her and say all the things I sometimes I want to say to her face. I want rubbed in her smug face until she understands. I want her to hurt like I do when I see her with our daughters and at the same time see how she was with them last year, when I recall the words she wrote about what she intended to do with them, with me. 

...and were all that to happen, I realize there is still no foundation of Trust. Revenge will be needlessly hurtful to someone I once loved. Revenge will not advance reconciliation or divorce. Revenge will not rebuild Trust. And IF it is my hand that inflicts Revenge, then I have lost the only thing that remains to me, my own integrity.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Shocker said:


> Hmm..I don't know about that. She said she lost respect for me for the affairs but then again she is treating me with upmost respect and taking me VERY seriously now. Interesting.
> 
> She doesn't want to lose this marriage that is obvious. Also, she loves me quite a bit that too is obvious. Maybe we both got a wake up call? Again, I spend ALL my time with her now and she hates to let me out of her sight. As long as she isn't seeing someone (HIGHLY DOUBTFUL as I check everything) this marriage is actually pretty damn good. Like...we hold hands everywhere we go? Talk all the time? Nobody I know does that.
> 
> We are down to this...if she is seeing someone else she is doing it over lunch at work (30 min lunch every day) or leaving work on the clock risking her career because she clocks and I have every time sheet from her. There is NO other time unaccounted for...NONE. Is that possible to keep that going? Hmm.


I am not big on D, but you don't seem you want to remain married and have R (I may be wrong and have read too much into it)... I don't have any answers other than the just coming up with rhetorical question you need to ask yourself. 
*
Do you even want to be married to your WW?*

I may have missed how long this has been since D day. In saying that I usually don't buy that crap of time heals all wounds. The initial sting of the wound may subside, but sometimes painful scar tissue remains. You may have to consider how much you want to allow to heal and how much pain you are willing to endure over the long term. If this goes on and on and on, I don't know that it is healthy. At some point your anger will not only causing a continuance of lashing out at her, but will begin to degrade your own physical health. That is you are likely doing destructive behavior to yourself as well. You would need to assess that... if you are sitting around stewing about when she should be home rather than going out an getting exercise these factors will add up in time. 

You may want to consider what is the healthy strategy, by assessing your life together or apart over the next five to 10 years.


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## Stephs (Aug 8, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I think every BS here can understand the contempt and anger you're feeling but what you're doing with it is manipulation and dare I say, it's abusive. Not good.
> 
> Don't stoop to that level - you're better than that! Go workout or something, get a punching bag and kick the sh!t out of it... anything else but not that.


I agree with this b/c the lies will catch up with you and make you feel worse. Feel good about yourself, know you're the better person, and feel comfort knowing you're honest.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I actually had a revenge affair. It made me feel bad. In fact, it made me feel worse than my wife's affair did.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

You made your point....don't give up the high road or you become no better than the cheater...then where are you really?

I would ask her how it feels then tell her it was just to give her a taste of what you felt but you would never stoop to being no better than the OM in her affair/affairs.


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

I told her the truth yesterday. Today...its like crystal clear to me that this marriage is over. I will miss my family but I cannot live with her anymore. Sucks.

I feel like I loved the "idea" of her as a person and that is dead now. She is the most beautiful girl ever. I will miss her but I have to move on.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You found more about her affair?


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

You know I really don't have any more "concrete" evidence at all but I feel it. She says its depression and she wants to kill herself for hurting me like this. She took a knife and started cutting her arm last night. It was heartbreaking. I really feel she is wrapped up in something but can't prove it. Can't afford a PI or I would. She still balls over and over how she loves me and wants me and only me. I just don't believe her anymore and feel like I'm dying basically.

She is still trying but something is really wrong...I just feel it. Or I am completely paranoid. One or the other.

She got a haircut (almost 3 hrs) last night and came home with fresh make up. She said she wanted to look pretty with her new haircut for me because she changed the color. I got totally mean and she shut down as usual. I just don't buy the stories although she has almost no time outside of working to see this guy. She would have to do it over lunch or on the clock. I have everything exposed. Still no relief and don't believe her.

IF she is telling me the truth it should be me killing myself. I'm horrible if she isn't doing anything. She is incredibly sweet and does EVERYTHING to show me she cares. I still think she is cake eating though.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

I'm in a similar position right now as well....

I wouldn't call it hate, but it is a new wave of anger that
I can physically feel wash over me when we attempt to talk about her A to any extent.

I was warned that it would be coming and it did.

I don't and won't apologize for my feelings.

She's still trying to get me to go to family events with her and the kids, but I refuse. 
Her friend hit me up on the facebook chat, asking me if I'd
be coming with to their housewarming party and I just
told her that things aren't okay with me and that I can't pretend to be
happy when I'm not. 

So I declined.

Then her pal runs and tells my wife, who tries to lay into
me for sharing my thoughts with her pal... even though she already
knew of what we were going through.

I don't owe my wife sh!t. I'm all about me right now.
She should understand that. If she doesn't, I don't care.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Seems to me you have allowed your pain and anger to warp you into a cruel sob.

If you don't want to be with her how about you man up and leave? You seem to be getting some type of sick enjoyment out of this and no matter what she did to you that isn't right at all.

You would be better off without her as she no longer brings out the good in you. She certainly would be better off without a husband that took enjoyment in making her suffer.


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

Falene said:


> Seems to me you have allowed your pain and anger to warp you into a cruel sob.
> 
> If you don't want to be with her how about you man up and leave? You seem to be getting some type of sick enjoyment out of this and no matter what she did to you that isn't right at all.
> 
> You would be better off without her as she no longer brings out the good in you. She certainly would be better off without a husband that took enjoyment in making her suffer.


You are probably right. I do however sometimes really take care of her too. Still, I know you are right and I feel like a monster. This pain is acute for sure, but that is no excuse!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

As Sara said in your previous thread, you're just looking for excuses to divorce her. 

Even though she had the PA, she's spent the last 9 months absolutely grovelling for your forgiveness as if the truth had come out from day one. But clearly that isn't enough. I agree with Falene, there's so much a person can and this is bordering on cruelty imo. You said that you were an alcoholic and completely neglected her prior to the affair. Coupled with her severe esteem issues, you can't really say this was the shock of the century. It doesn't excuse what she did but we can't pretend this happened purely out of callousness and selfishness. It's best that you divorce so you could end your paranoia and for her to move on from this terrible episode in her life.


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

Complexity said:


> As Sara said in your previous thread, you're just looking for excuses to divorce her.
> 
> Even though she had the PA, she's spent the last 9 months absolutely grovelling for your forgiveness as if the truth had come out from day one. But clearly that isn't enough. I agree with Falene, there's so much a person can and this is bordering on cruelty imo. You said that you were an alcoholic and completely neglected her prior to the affair. Coupled with her severe esteem issues, you can't really say this was the shock of the century. It doesn't excuse what she did but we can't pretend this happened purely out of callousness and selfishness. It's best that you divorce so you could end your paranoia and for her to move on from this terrible episode in her life.


So there is no chance this passes. Nice outlook. Maybe I'm just hurt and need time. I love her and treat her like freaking gold most of the time when I'm not realing from this affair. I've told her I'm not good for her right now but she tells me I'm her soul mate and she cannot live without me. Dunno, doesn't SOUND like she is still having an affair but I'm just SO PARANOID. Maybe its the meds?

If I do trust her and she's cheating I'm done for...that I'm pretty sure of...no way I'd come back from that. I love her like oxygen.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi.

New to the forum. Been scouring the web looking for a place like this. My wife told me she wanted a divorce back in June, after having an emotional affair with my neighbor for a few months, then jumped into bed with him and in August told me she wanted to work it our with me. Then I found out the extent (or at least very partial extent) of the PA.

I have been crying every day since sometime in April. We have two children, 8 and 10, and I have devoted my entire life to my wife and children. I am at a total loss as to how this could have gone so far and I am devastated. We are seeing a marriage counselor, who I met alone yesterday. He says he is worried that I am not feeling my anger and that I need to get in touch with it. I do feel anger for that son of a ***** who came to my house and looked me in the eye and shook my hand while he was sleeping with my wife, but not at her. I am having the hardest time being mad at her, she is so beautiful to me and has been such a wonderful mother to my children. 

So I am wondering, how long after you found out did this "hatred" surface? I have been stuck in self pity and confusion for so long that I am nearly incapable of rational thought. I have managed to keep my composure around my children but I can not even begin to fathom my life without them in it every day. I have spoken with a lawyer who has informed me that because I have let her be a stay at home mama that she will get custody and I will get alternating weekends with my kids. I think I would rather kill myself then suffer that fate, my kids are my meaning and everything to me. 

When will I start feeling this "hatred"? My wife says she is committed to recovery but I do not feel real remorse from her and she is only slowly becoming open and honest. It took a lot of work to get her to remove him from her cell phone directory and take his phone number out of our family address book. She tells me she is trying her best but I just don't know how committed she really is. I feel confident that the affair is over, but as I move out of the horrible visual images in my head I am becoming less sure that I can ever recover from such a devasting loss.

When will I feel anger?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Shocker said:


> So there is no chance this passes. Nice outlook.


Not with the way you keep treating her. Your main issue isn't even the betrayal any more. You need to deal with your paranoia. You're still concerned she's seeing the OM? get her to take a poly, check her communications, anything.


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

Disenchanted said:


> Hi.
> 
> New to the forum. Been scouring the web looking for a place like this. My wife told me she wanted a divorce back in June, after having an emotional affair with my neighbor for a few months, then jumped into bed with him and in August told me she wanted to work it our with me. Then I found out the extent (or at least very partial extent) of the PA.
> 
> ...


I am 9 months out from dday. But I found out just recently it was physical. Still, my wife has been trying EVERYTHING that I can think of (although I'm paranoid she is seeing him cause I'm a douche sometimes) to make me happy. I'm probably going to lose her but am reserved to the fact it isn't working.


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Not with the way you keep treating her. Your main issue isn't even the betrayal any more. You need to deal with your paranoia. You're still concerned she's seeing the OM? get her to take a poly, check her communications, anything.


Yeah, the counselor thinks its me that has problems now. He thinks my wife is "the most remorseful wife I have ever seen in 10 yrs of doing this". 

 WTF am I doing here.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Of course your anger may pass or fade but only one person can make that determination and that person is currently busy ripping his WS into shreds.

You could have shared with your wife that you were developing this out of control anger and that you needed her support and understanding to get past it but you are more interesting in revenge.

You could have seen a therapist or gone into counseling but you would have been told you were wrong for behaving like that.

You could also recognize that you have a history of being unkind to your wife with your alcoholism and neglect and that you are just continuing past behavior by justifying it with her affair.

Your situation is the very example of why I feel spouses in abusive relationships should just bail and not try to cope with it in any way. I DO NOT excuse your wife's affair but I am starting to gain a much better idea of why she did what she did.

Be good to yourself and leave her be. It may be the best thing you could do for either of you. She will get over it and so will you.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

What is dday, please?

9 months, looks like I am in for a whole lot more hell.

ugh


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Shocker said:


> Yeah, the counselor thinks its me that has problems now. He thinks my wife is "the most remorseful wife I have ever seen in 10 yrs of doing this".
> 
> WTF am I doing here.


Maybe she really is. Even you admit she is doing everything she can.

Damn shame you aren't.


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

Falene said:


> Maybe she really is. Even you admit she is doing everything she can.
> 
> Damn shame you aren't.


You are right...I know you are. I feel like a toad. This sucks so bad.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Listen, I know how you feel. It will be nine months for me in just a few days. I am so angry sometimes I feel like I could kill him (slowly, with a spoon).

We have already been through the wringer and the worse thing we can do to ourselves is make ourselves feel worse through horrible behavior. In addition, we cannot use our WS's poor behavior to justify our own.

Are you sober or are you still drinking? Just getting sober, aside from being cheated on, is so HUGE and difficult. What have you been doing to help with your every day coping skills? What tools are you developing to help you from returning to the bottle? These are things you needed to do regardless of the affair and especially now because of it.

Where are you in your sobriety. Be honest please.


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

Falene said:


> Listen, I know how you feel. It will be nine months for me in just a few days. I am so angry sometimes I feel like I could kill him (slowly, with a spoon).
> 
> We have already been through the wringer and the worse thing we can do to ourselves is make ourselves feel worse through horrible behavior. In addition, we cannot use our WS's poor behavior to justify our own.
> 
> ...


Oh I have pretty much gave up drinking...I have done it here and there but less than 5 times in 9+ months. I gave it up mostly after this. Also, we talk all night every night - like 5-6 hrs a night and are intertwided (doc says thats bad as we are getting too close) - like we cannot be away from each other. Its strange. I know she loves me. I know she wants the marriage. I think I'm done with these meds...they mess with my brain too much. I need to work on being nice all the time no matter what I think is going on. I wish I was better at it.

I have lost like 40 pds and run and walk with her like all the time now. She is good for me in that regard - I must admit.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

You don't have to be nice all the time! Who in the hell can be nice all the time?

What you must stop is the intentional cruelty. You must talk to her about your feelings instead of letting your emotions control you.

You must also decide, once and for all, if you are going to give R a fair shot. You cannot go back and forth on this. Maybe if you give yourself a time frame? In so much time I will re-examine where I stand on the R but for right now I am going to do what I can?

The very idea you came here and said what most people wouldn't dare say out loud tells me there is something in you that knows what you are doing is wrong. You gave us the opportunity to smack ya down about it. That says oodles about your true self imo.

Go to her. Share your feelings. Be angry. Be confused.

Don't be cruel.

*hugs*


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Disenchanted said:


> What is dday, please?
> 
> 9 months, looks like I am in for a whole lot more hell.
> 
> ugh


Read the newbie link in my signature


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Complexity said:


> As Sara said in your previous thread, you're just looking for excuses to divorce her.
> 
> Even though she had the PA, she's spent the last 9 months absolutely grovelling for your forgiveness as if the truth had come out from day one. But clearly that isn't enough. I agree with Falene, there's so much a person can and this is bordering on cruelty imo. You said that you were an alcoholic and completely neglected her prior to the affair. Coupled with her severe esteem issues, you can't really say this was the shock of the century. It doesn't excuse what she did but we can't pretend this happened purely out of callousness and selfishness. It's best that you divorce so you could end your paranoia and for her to move on from this terrible episode in her life.




What the hell? What you are seeing is the after affects of a traumatic event. To blame him of cruelty after this is uncalled for and dangerous.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> What the hell? What you are seeing is the after affects of a traumatic event. To blame him of cruelty after this is uncalled for and dangerous.


I frankly disagree. And I think that's a bit hyperbolic. He isn't "traumatized". He's deeply hurt and upset. Most importantly he's paranoid, rightly or wrongly.

His reactions to her outpouring of remorse does border cruelty in my opinion and I think he agrees. Hence why I said he should either properly reconcile or let the both of them move on.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Disenchanted said:


> When will I start feeling this "hatred"? My wife says she is committed to recovery but I do not feel real remorse from her and she is only slowly becoming open and honest. It took a lot of work to get her to remove him from her cell phone directory and take his phone number out of our family address book. She tells me she is trying her best but I just don't know how committed she really is. I feel confident that the affair is over, but as I move out of the horrible visual images in my head I am becoming less sure that I can ever recover from such a devasting loss.
> 
> 
> When will I feel anger?


For me it’s when I realized it wasn’t my fault and my FWW choose to have the A. You are in denial about what your W has done and blaming the OM when it was your W that allowed it. Women are the gatekeepers in a relationship, men are always pursuing women but the women are the ones that give the “ok”. The OM is irrelevant; she is a married woman and should have said no. The A is her fault and her fault alone and she disrespected you and the family by doing it.

Once you stop blaming yourself and stop falsely idealizing your W then you’ll start to see that all the bad things and feelings you are going through now are her fault because of the A. Then the anger phrase hits.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> What the hell? What you are seeing is the after affects of a traumatic event. To blame him of cruelty after this is uncalled for and dangerous.


His feelings are the result of the traumatic event. His intentional cruelty is the result of his inability to control those emotions.

We aren't talking about someone who says something off the cuff that is cruel. We are talking about someone is trying to be cruel. Big difference.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Welcome disenchanted, sorry you're here, but glad you've found a valuable resource. You might want to start your own thread to get advice more specific to you.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> What the hell? What you are seeing is the after affects of a traumatic event. To blame him of cruelty after this is uncalled for and dangerous.


I'm sorry but I disagree.

Nobody is blaming him for being angry, hurt, paranoid etc. but what he was doing about those feelings was cruel. He was saying/doing nasty things because he's hurting, acting out of vengeance and got pleasure out of seeing her squirm. It's very understandable as to why he'd do those things but that doesn't make it okay or healthy for him to do. 

I certainly wasn't here to pick on Shocker, just those specific behaviors. I know I don't sympathize with cheating and am willing to bet everyone is all on Shocker's side when it comes to that but to continue replying to this post without calling him out on how bad those things are is what would be _"uncalled for and dangerous"_ IMO.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Thanks for the welcome folks. I've read the newbie stuff now, thanks for that link too.

I will most certainly be starting my own thread here soon, my story is fairly unique. I've spent most of my work day today reading other threads here (especially NotThinkingStraight's) and found myself in a myriad of hurt and sadness as I see all the similarities. It's a lot to digest but there are obviously a lot of people here who have been through this hell so I guess I'll have to prepare to spill my guts. Maybe tomorrow. Tonight I am going to a friend's house to avoid my wife.

It's so weird how those two words sound to me..........

MY WIFE

WTF does it mean?


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