# Hoping to be forgiven, but not sure it's possible.



## gmp12 (9 mo ago)

Hi all,
I'm reaching out to those who I hope can help.
I have been with my partner for almost 4 years and we have had an extremely turbulent time (as most have these past couple of years!)
The turbulence has come in varied shapes and sizes.. my partner has 2 children, they're young as he has 50% custody. I do not have any. I have found "step-motherhood" extremely difficult at times, especially since buying in to his house last year and moving areas to accommodate them. Just before the move, whilst I was selling my place, my mum sadly passed away. We were extremely close and she's of course been my rock throughout this journey. 
During the past year I feel our relationship has been extremely out of balance- my partner has regained his life back, I bought in to the house that he bought with his ex, enabling him to move out of his parents and have the children independently- his friends live round the corner and so does his mum who is the children's wrap around care out of school. 
I have moved about an hour away from my friends, and obviously no longer have my mum. I have 2 siblings who both have families of their own- we're close and have become closer since our mum passed, however their partners have been grieving too so I have, and still fell, somewhat alone in my grief. 
I have lost count over the past year of how many time I have cried in front of my partner who hasn't even got up to console me. We have argued a lot as it is becoming clear to me that I am becoming resentful, however have never been brave enough to tell him that I need more empathy and compassion from him. I have been finishing a degree and am in the midst of a post grad so have very much "kept busy".
Things came to a head after an argument whilst we were away which ended with him saying "it's just the way I am (the lack of emotion and empathy)- you need to think about whether you want to be with me because I won't change". 
This obviously hit me like ton of bricks and made me angrier- How dare he when I've moved my life for him and his children?! All I want is to be loved and consoled when I'm crying because I miss my mum and finding things hard!
Anyway- during this time there was a guy at work that I thought was genuinely being friendly and supportive. Within the past few weeks, my stepmum has also passed and I was at work when I received the news- he was there and consoled me when I got off the call. Stupidly I allowed things to progress further, we started messaging each other most days and spent a couple of lunches together. We didn't ever meet outside of work, but on a couple of occasions the messages became heated and a few naked pictures were sent. 
My partner found out and is obviously feeling hurt. 
I feel complete remorse, not to mention embarrassed and stupid and can hand on heart say that there was no intention that it would lead to more. Although it has hurt him, I'm glad my partner found out and I do believe that with help we can get through it (we have contacted Resolve and had a consultation for couples therapy). 
I guess what I'm asking is if it's something that can be forgiven. One minute my partner is sure he wants to move forward- the next, (usually after he's spoken to this friends) he's not. 
Can the trust be rebuilt?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You don't need forgiveness as much as you need to figure out why you want it. This cheating episode is just the last in a long line of signs your relationship isn't working. Why are you fighting so hard to keep a relationship that isn't good for you?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You don't have any children together. You're not married. You're not happy. He's not happy. It seems like you have a lot of options available to you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP, out of that I got you had a romantic interest and a few lunches with a guy and sent him naked pictures of yourself. Pls comment if I'm misquoting your details.

But you're confused why your H is upset? What's up with that?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

gmp12 said:


> Hi all,
> I'm reaching out to those who I hope can help.
> I have been with my partner for almost 4 years and we have had an extremely turbulent time (as most have these past couple of years!)
> The turbulence has come in varied shapes and sizes.. my partner has 2 children, they're young as he has 50% custody. I do not have any. I have found "step-motherhood" extremely difficult at times, especially since buying in to his house last year and moving areas to accommodate them. Just before the move, whilst I was selling my place, my mum sadly passed away. We were extremely close and she's of course been my rock throughout this journey.
> ...


All I'm seeing is a bunch of excuses to justify cheating. If you aren't happy the answer is to leave, not permanently show your bits to your coworker. A coworker who I presume you still work with, yes? 

You weren't going to go further? Yet, you also didn't think it would ever happen so... nice try. You work with the guy, it absolutely would have ended up with you blowing him in the parking lot during your lunch break. 

You also said your BF found out. Meaning you were caught, yes? Another sign that this would not have stopped. 

So can trust be rebuilt? Allegedly. With you? Doubtful.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

All these details you provided re your life are merely excuses for cheating. All of us face similar challenges in life, yet do not resort to cheating. Nothing that was going on in your life contributed to your decision to cheat. 
Your boyfriend has faced divorce, has responsibility for children and, I am sure has areas where he is dissatwith you. Yet, he has remained faithful.
He would be wise to reconsider committing to you. You have shown him you are untrustworthy and unable to handle life's challenges in an honorable manner.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

what you're describing sucks, but what good does it do you to send nudes/sleep to someone else instead of breaking up with your husband?

When did your relationship start? Was the other man married? If he was married, did his wife know? Did he seek solace in you to escape the problems of his marriage? Didn't you have sexual situations with him?

Don't think that your husband trusts you, how will you trust yourself?

What would your reaction be if your spouse shared these with a woman?


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## Imnobodynew (Feb 11, 2016)

Hey OP. I cheated and changed. I did a 180 in my own life. So I know it's possible after cheating. What you wrote on the other hand is blame-shifting and minimizing. Let me explain:

My wife felt lonely and unable to communicate with me and had an EA. I contributed to that loneliness but I did not contribute to her EA. That's her own bad coping mechanism that she needed to get addressed. Those were her own moral and ethical issues that she need to work through. 

I had a revenge PA. I justified it from my anger about her EAs. The truth is I was acting out bad mechanisms and acting like a child. I needed to address my own coping mechanism and morals as well. It was my own selfish choice regarding how I handled my anger. The EAs did not make me have an affair. I have to deal with my own morals and ethics about why I did what I did. 

We had to understand that our affairs were because we were co-dependent on each other. The affairs in themselves had nothing to do with our partner's action but were our own. They were our own responsibility and added a new layer of crap we had to peel back. 

Here is what you wrote, at least what I heard and other posters pointed out. (I will write this out as telegraph so you might be able to see what we see.)
I had issues in my relationship(stop). I did not exit my relationship or seek out IC/MC to address those issues (stop). Instead, because of those issues, I decided to Cheat emotionally (stop). Now that I cheated, my partner is hurt (stop). I don't know how to deal with my partner's reaction to my action (stop).

So what are you asking here? As you asking for help to stop becoming a cheater? If you should stay with your partner? Is the relationship salvable? Trying to understand.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's possible that he will be able to forgive and move on but no one here can say that for sure.
With all the other things you have said, especially that you are struggling with being a step mum, do you think this relationship is going to last? The children are young, they will be around for many years, and after only 4 years you already seem to be struggling. 

Not all men are good at the whole 'comfort' thing, as he said its the way he is.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's possible that he will be able to forgive and move on but no one here can say that for sure.
> With all the other things you have said, especially that you are struggling with being a step mum, do you think this relationship is going to last? The children are young, they will be around for many years, and after only 4 years you already seem to be struggling.
> 
> Not all men are good at the whole 'comfort' thing, as he said its the way he is.


This is true re predicting his ability to forgive. There appears to be a continuum on the ability or willingness to forgive cheating. If you truly want to reconcile, you might try reading books and articles about what you need to do to improve your chances. Some folks get past this. For others it is an absolute dealbreaker.
I think it does taint the relationship forever and it seems is never really forgotten. This is because you have shown him with certainty that under the right set of circumstances, you are capable of betraying him. Once he has that knowledge, it will,stay with him.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

The thing about cheating, it can be forgiven but rarely forgotten. It’s the loss of trust that it often produces that leads marriages to break up after affairs, not that the betrayed spouse couldn’t forgive. Forgiveness doesn’t mean everything goes back to the way it was. 

If he doesn’t forgive, then I guess leaving is the only option but if he does, counseling would be a good thing for you both. The relationship seems dysfunctional in other ways.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

How many times have you had sex with the coworker? Don’t lie. If you sent nudes, you were having sex. You not admitting that is yet another lie to your husband or whatever he is. What can he believe if you don’t tell the whole truth? What can he forgive if he doesn’t know what to forgive? The whole bad truth needs to be told.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,
I understand you were/are hurt by your husband's lack of support, understanding and emotional support. You are right to want and expect that from him.

Him not doing that and being there for you the way you want, hope and need is no reason for you to cheat on him, have an affair. 

That does nothing to get what you want from your husband.

As you're finding out, it makes it exponentially more difficult to get that from your husband.

Right now he's back on his heels and in no position to support you.

He has children and now he knows his wife has/is cheating on him.

Is he going to want a lady around his kids who is a cheater?


If you wanted out of the relationship, you could have just left him. 


If you are wanting to stay in the relationship, counseling is a must. 

OP, what is it you want? I know you want to be felt, understood, heard etc. by your partner.

How long have you known him? I ask because it seems like this is something you should have known about him already, if you've known him for a decent amount of time.

Do you want to remain in a relationship with him?

If so, keep posting on this site as you'll get lots of good info.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

gmp12 said:


> ... a guy at work... we started messaging each other most days and spent a couple of lunches together... the messages became heated and a few naked pictures were sent.


I deleted all the extraneous crap that is basically meaningless. Bottom line is you dated a guy at work and sent him nude pics while in a committed relationship (you never actually said you were married). It is hard to believe you didn't sleep with this guy and I'm sure your partner is thinking the same thing.

How did he find out? This is relevant because it may shed some light on whether you are sorry you did it or sorry you got caught. Couple can sometimes recover from infidelity, but that recovery doesn't start with a whole laundry list of excuses.

ETA: Also, not really believing that, "hand on heart say that there was no intention that it would lead to more." You kept letting it escalated from consoling, to texting, to lunch dates, to sexting and nude pics. At which point you were caught. Had you not been caught you know darn well that it would have kept escalating until you were in the sack together.


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## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

Am I reading this right?

You didnt communicate your needs and then resented your partner for not understanding how to meet them. Picked a fight after you let your resentment build up. During which he communicated that he wont meet your needs. Instead of accepting his honesty and either working through it or moving on you punish him (I'm using that word intentionally) by cheating on him.

The best solution you offer his hand over your heart it wasn't going further? Why should anyone believe you when you say that? You've demonstrated honesty isnt important to you.

What work have you done to improve yourself to demonstrate you are a safe partner to him?

Did you quit your job?

Did you block this coworker on every form of communication you could have with him?

What have you done to show you are serious?

Please dont manipulate this poor guy with a couple's counselor into accepting blame for your bad behavior.

You should get into IC and gain some insight into why you behaved this way toward someone you claim to care about.

Grief is not an excuse to hurt other people this way.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your partner had already told you he‘s not wired for the emotional support you need and your solution to that was to cheat (hint: friendly, supportive guys often have an ulterior motive)? I would say, based on experience, that it’s not too likely he’ll be able to come back from this. He may try but it will be very difficult and probably take years to recover. As far as 100% trust being rebuilt — that’s unusual. If he stays he may in time trust you somewhat but few who are cheated on ever again trust completely. They know what can happen.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Cheating is something that the BS needs to make the decision about. You have no control over that except helping him heal.

My question is this. Why would you want to stay with a unloving cold hearted person?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

gmp12 said:


> Hi all,
> I'm reaching out to those who I hope can help.
> I have been with my partner for almost 4 years and we have had an extremely turbulent time (as most have these past couple of years!)
> The turbulence has come in varied shapes and sizes.. my partner has 2 children, they're young as he has 50% custody. I do not have any. I have found "step-motherhood" extremely difficult at times, especially since buying in to his house last year and moving areas to accommodate them. Just before the move, whilst I was selling my place, my mum sadly passed away. We were extremely close and she's of course been my rock throughout this journey.
> ...


So the only person you're sociopath of a husband feel sorry for is himself?

I'm being flip, but if he really doesn't have empathy, he really could be either a sociopath or a narcissist and I don't think you need to be hooked up with either one of those for life. 

And if you're not getting your needs met to the point where you're reaching outside of your marriage, that is just as bad. 

People don't get over cheating really. Unless you can both make some progress in marriage counseling, I don't think there's a whole lot of hope here. 

I'm afraid just maybe a case of not getting to know him well enough before going all in with him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You shared a sexual intimacy with another person while you had made a promise to be in a monogamous relationship. Yes you should ask for forgiveness.

That doesn't mean you need to stay in the relationship. You should think long and hard about this. You post basically just details all the reasons you are unhappy. Now you are hurting him because of it. Some people were not meant to be together.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Sorry to hear about your mom and stepmother. Grieving is tough.

That said, you sound like a little high school girl, when you're not getting the attention you want you're willing to cheat on your husband by going to lunches with another man and then sending him nudes???

Marriage is tough and yours has had a lot to deal with pretty much from the beginning (mom passing away, pandemic, and moving away from friends etc), but instead of doing what grown ups do in a committed relationship (communicate with one another and no matter how tough it is stay faithful) you did what cowards do and that's cheat!!

Can your husband forgive you? Yes.
Will he forget? No.

He's always going to be wondering if you're not getting your needs met or are unhappy about something that you'll go outside the marriage to get them met.

Also, I call total BS on you saying you had "no intention that it would lead to more". Your husband found out (you didn't confess on your own) and me thinks that if he never found out this affair would have gone physical. 

Your husband also has to live with some other dude having naked pictures of you and who knows who else this guy has shared them with.

I get it, you were hurting, and needing to be comforted, and your husband dropped the ball. If it's a deal breaker then divorce him but what you did was handle it like a coward and chicken $hit.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

There's no marriage and there's no commitment. You're just shacking up. You already know that the two of you don't mesh, so just leave and go back home.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're not married. Why did you feel the need to bail him out of his living situation and invest in his and his ex-wife's family home? It looks like he used you. Check into how you can extricate yourself from that mess and learn from it.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

*"I feel complete remorse, not to mention embarrassed and stupid and can hand on heart say that there was no intention that it would lead to more. Although it has hurt him, I'm glad my partner found out and I do believe that with help we can get through it (we have contacted Resolve and had a consultation for couples therapy)."*

Seems to me you bought into something a bit to quick and now have "buyers remorse."

The way to "fix" is to remove the "what you bought" from your life. 

"I'm not available emotionally" - not uncommon from a male but it is up to you to choose to or to not live with that kind of person. Reality speaking - males have just as much emotion as females but the environment in which a male grows to adulthood can stifle the showing of emotion. That situation doesn't mean you have to live with it. "We can learn" to relate better (us males) but it has to be a conscious decision and takes work and presence of mind. 

Regarding the *bolded* excerpt from your post: *YOU *need to fix your boundaries. 

OR, declare to your mate you regard your relationship as polyamorous. 

Regarding "couples therapy" - I think both of you need a bit if INDIVIDUAL therapy before diving into "couples" therapy.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

What does he do when one of his kids has a meltdown?

Does he stand there like an automaton? Or does he nurture them?

If he does, but won't comfort his partner in distress, that's a bad sign.

If he doesn't nurture his kids, that's a bad sign.

Either way, I think you should really think about whether you want to be with this guy before you exert any energy trying to fix things up.


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

Sending someone nudes is cheating and cheating is a choice. He has every right to be hurt.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Sent OM nudes but you’re not having sex on your lunch break in the back of his/your car in an isolated parking lot? Now now. Let’s be real here. We are strangers who want to help. 

I think you should just confess and divorce. Let him find out a way to buy you out of the house, so you can start over. He’s not right for you. I think you have given up too much for him. I could see if he was a loving guy who was grateful that you uprooted your life but I’m seeing a guy who doesn’t appreciate all that you’ve sacrificed so that HIS kids can be in a stable home.


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## Lovingwife71 (Mar 28, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> OP, out of that I got you had a romantic interest and a few lunches with a guy and sent him naked pictures of yourself. Pls comment if I'm misquoting your details.
> 
> But you're confused why your H is upset? What's up with that?





gmp12 said:


> My partner found out and is obviously feeling hurt.


I didn't get that she's confused about why her partner is upset. I got that She was asking if her behavior is something that can be forgiven.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

If you think you will be forgiven for cheating only a few weeks after it happened (not sure when he caught you), you likely don't understand the damage you've done.

It is unlikely you will ever be 'forgiven'... if it does happen, it will take a long time of you proving yourself and trying to rebuild trust.... as in years, not months and definitely not weeks.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

re16 said:


> If you think you will be forgiven for cheating only a few weeks after it happened (not sure when he caught you), you likely don't understand the damage you've done.
> 
> It is unlikely you will ever be 'forgiven'... if it does happen, it will take a long time of you proving yourself and trying to rebuild trust.... as in years, not months and definitely not weeks.


This. I don't know if cheaters understand the extent of the damage that they do to their partner. It is a horrible thing to do to someone and their are no words to describe the pain they cause. If you're unhappy then man/woman up and discuss with your partner and either fix or leave the relationship. This excuse and blameshifting is crap. 

Sorry but you will find a lot of betrayed spouses here that have little sympathy for you.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She wanted so much help that she hasn’t been back.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Hoping for an affirmation station and found none.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

gmp12 said:


> Hi all,
> I'm reaching out to those who I hope can help.
> I have been with my partner for almost 4 years and we have had an extremely turbulent time (as most have these past couple of years!)
> The turbulence has come in varied shapes and sizes.. my partner has 2 children, they're young as he has 50% custody. I do not have any. I have found "step-motherhood" extremely difficult at times, especially since buying in to his house last year and moving areas to accommodate them. Just before the move, whilst I was selling my place, my mum sadly passed away. We were extremely close and she's of course been my rock throughout this journey.
> ...


Trust will never be back 100% and shouldn’t.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jimmysgirl said:


> Sending someone nudes is cheating and cheating is a choice. He has every right to be hurt.


Not to mention once you send out nudes you have no control of them who gets them, where they end up., etc.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Not to mention once you send out nudes you have no control of them who gets them, where they end up., etc.


Seriously. Never send nudes. Such a bad idea. They will always get out.


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