# Advice or help would be greatly appreciated!



## String (Jul 30, 2009)

Hi folks, I'm new to this forum and thought maybe I could get some insight on an issue I've been dealing with. I have been married to a great woman for 3 years now and for some reason all the passion, willingness and interest seems to have disappeared from her entirely. I have no idea what is going on or what to do cause as a man I have needs which are no where near getting met. I have tried to talk to her on many occasions but things just keep rolling on the same track.

Now, and for those who have kids please shed some light... We have 2 boys ages 3 and 1 years old. I know that kids can take their toll on a couple but is that a reason for a relationship to be put on the back burner? Am I being selfish for making our relationship just as important as raising our kids?

I'm at a complete loss, I could go on and on about the things I have done to try to light that spark again but with no results. I'm worried about what might happen if my needs continue to be ignored. If you have any insight or advice I can really use it.

Thank you!


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

With children that little, it takes all the energy she has to take care of them. If you even get maintenance sex you should consider yourself lucky right now.

That being said, no, it isn't selfish of you to want to put the marriage first, it has to be. But you also have to realize that when the kids are this young, they will take precedence over anything else...when they are older then things should swing back to the relationship.

Make arrangements for a night out...have the kids stay at a relatives house for a night, wine her and dine her...go out on a real date, not a movie or something where you can't talk and reconnect. Get a hotel room if you can afford it...if not then bring her home to the most romantic setting you can put in front of her.

Preacher


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Little ones are a prime reason a relationship, and sex, suffer. (I have 4 btw...ages 12 down to 3)

GA posted this excellent article from CNN yesterday:
How to save your marriage from your kids - CNN.com

Show her the article. Maybe it will start the conversation in a new angle.

What it means is that you both need to try harder to keep your relationship strong, and still care for the little ones.


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## String (Jul 30, 2009)

Thank you Preacher, that is a good idea... But is also something I have done before but will keep on doing.

I sometimes wonder if she is having an affair cause there is very minimal attention and I'm not just talking sex I mean the whole affection thing. I really don't think she is, but it does cross my mind.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Sounds like she is so caught up in the mommy role, she has completely overlooked herself as a woman. It does NOT have to be like that...we have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. My H is the one home with them, while I work full time and go to school part time for my Master's Degree. We don't really have a sitter, or any family around here, so we rarely get out by ourselves, but we've made it a point that once the kids are in bed (about 8 to 8:30), its time for US! Not time for chores, or talking on the phone to others, but just US. We have gotten into an ongoing game of Rummy here lately, we play a few hands, I kick his butt usually, and we have a good time. Sexually, once again we make time for each other. Our kids always make their way into our bed at some point during the night, but we have a rule that they MUST start out in their own beds, because we need our alone time. When the youngest was first born, sex took a bit of a hit; little little ones demand a lot of attention. Now, we have sex at least 5 times a week, usually more. Take advantage of nap times on the weekend, make sure they have a consistent bedtime, and tell your wife its just as important that you BOTH make time for each other, as it is that you make sure the kids are well taken care of.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

String said:


> I have no idea what is going on or what to do cause as a man I have needs which are no where near getting met. I have tried to talk to her on many occasions but things just keep rolling on the same track.


When you have your “talks” with her do you spend time asking her what her needs and wants are? Many times when a spouse withdraws emotionally or physically it is because some needs aren’t being met. As the other responders have said, date time is important for you as a couple. And if she is a SAHM she may really be wanting some adult conversation. Look closely for what she may be wanting. If you fill those needs for her she will likely be more appreciative of yours.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well first of all, do you both work? full time jobs? what is your relationship like?

We have three kids, 11, 9, and 6 

there are stressful days and otherdays are bliss.

I see you only been married three years and your oldest is 3, is this your child? how long did you date before that?

Did you get married due to the pregancy? How did it influence it?


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## String (Jul 30, 2009)

GAsoccerman said:


> well first of all, do you both work? full time jobs? what is your relationship like?
> 
> We have three kids, 11, 9, and 6
> 
> ...


yes both kids are ours and we got married about 5 years in. We have been together for 8 years. She just went back to work about 2 weeks ago and i run my own business from my home office which offers a lot of stress and pressure. We had our first about a year before we got married, but it wasn't the reason we got married.


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## momof4 (Jul 29, 2009)

I have four children (10/6/3/2) work full time and my H and I volunteer numerous hours with the local soccer club, so I know how she must feel that sex is almost another chore. My H was begining to experience that I was no longer intersted in him which I can tell you is definitley not the case. We have talked about it and have found that sometimes cuddling which doesn't take much work is just as satisfying. We also began having sex in the am (we set our alarms earlier) and can also spend the time afterwards in the shower together. This is a guarantee that we will not be tired after a long and stressful day with the kids.

Just a thought. 

Good Luck =)


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

String, Do you try and "work" and try and take care of the children at home?

While your wife is at work?


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## String (Jul 30, 2009)

GAsoccerman said:


> String, Do you try and "work" and try and take care of the children at home?
> 
> While your wife is at work?


I do... In fact I'm proud to say that I'm one of those fathers that actively takes an interest. But I will also be the first to admit that I'm not perfect and I don't have the motherly instinct like she does.

I will always admit that there is more that I can do... But I do do my best.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

String give yourself a break, your wife went back to work 2 weeks ago, you will get the hang of it. Plus running a business out of your house while working is TOUGH.

Do you happen to have any relatives that live by?

On a side note, I worked the night shift which was 11PM to 7Am, When I got home my wife would go to work until 2-3PM during those hours I took care of our children, when she got home then I would go to bed and sleep a few hours, I was a walking zombie for 5 years.

I ahve some suggestions for you, so do any relatives live by?


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## String (Jul 30, 2009)

Yeah the grandparents live about 20 min from us. We like to use them as often as we need.... but it's not as often as we would like.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Yea I would set something up with the grandparents if possible, even if it means you dropping the kids off and picking them up.

I know alot of people are against daycare, but I have found with our youngest son who was in daycare, he is Socially stronger and way ahead of his classmates in school, because we had him in a pre-K program to other kids that were home with their parent watching TV all day.

I would even look into daycare that is near by and do it 2-3 days a week.

What you are doing is extremely tough, running a home business while trying to take care of a child, you will get angry and frustrated with them when you do not mean to. Happens to every parent, none of us are perfect.

If you are going to ahve your child home with you, Set yourself up, chucking a kid in front of the TV is not the best approach, while a few hors is OK, they need to be outside, learn things, go places. That is why I recommend Day care if possible or have your parents take them for walks or adventures.

Learn to bablance your work and tie your child into it.

I work with people at home and when the kid makes noise it doesn't bother me, it's cute and I understand since I am a parent myself, so if they are just talking, etc don't try and shhh them. Play with your kids while you work, be creative.

As for your marriage, set up date nights, she is stressed like you are, she is leaving her child, that is a HUGE burden on her maternal instincts, reassure her she is doing the right thing. 

Have date nights with just you and the wife, other date nights that include the children. Play family sports together, and always, every day Flirt with your wife. Tell her she looks sexy, grab her tush, squeeze her side, whisper naughty thoughts in her ear until she blushes. there is not a day that goes by where I do not do something like that to my wife, If I were to not grab my wife, she would ask if something is wrong, she has grown used to my advances over the years.

Only you can let the flame die out, send her flowers, chocolates, put little notes in her purse, pocket or bag. Show up take her to lunch with the kids...

Life is tough, but you can keep the romance alive but altering it a little bit.


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## String (Jul 30, 2009)

That's good advice soccerman... \our oldest will be starting school in Sept. and right now is at my mothers place 3 times a week and our youngest is at daycare everyday. Although I work from home, when I'm working I'm working behind closed doors cause a lot of times on the phone with clients.

I do still flirt with her and tell her how good she looks, but i do like the notes in the purse and such. Yesterday I sent her a rather hot message over her blackberry... Took me some time to build up courage for some reason but I got nothing in response, nothing close to a reply or anything which was quite deflating

I really appreciate all the suggestions and advice, but I have tried most of them. I am seeing a common theme however and that is date night. I don't think we do it enough and I'm sure she would agree with me.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I agree, kids definitely need to be out and exploring. We chose NOT to do daycare, because honestly, the state we live in seems to value horses above children and I have not seen a daycare here yet that I would trust. Our oldest, is starting pre-k this fall through our public school system. It's half days 4 days a week. I agree about the social aspects to a degree, but as long as you are getting them out, into new adventures and around various people, they should be fine. Our 4 year old (well, almost 4) is about THE most social kid i've ever seen; just naturally all out there. His little bro, is social, but not so wide open...he checks you out a bit before he decides if you're cool or not. 

If its been that little of time since your W has gone back to work, give you BOTH some time to adjust. I had SUCH a hard time when I came back to work. I was with Luke for the first 10 months of his life....I was only at home with Killian for the first 12 weeks. Coming back after 12 weeks, was MUCH harder for me...I feel like I miss so much, but we have a plan in place, and it involves me working...so, I do.

Make sure you carve out specific work time for you....take advantage of nap time to get things done that require more quiet then when your kids are up. Maybe set your oldest up his own little "office" in his room, so that he can "work" when Daddy works...my boys have a "studio" with desks and a stage that they pretend to be filming their own web-show in....which allows my H some "down time" when he needs a bit of peace. 

Remind yourself, both of you....it really WON'T be like this forever.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

String, did you take a gander at the article I linked earlier?

It could be a good ice-breaker for bringing up the subject again. It's source is Parenting.com so even better.

"Honey, check out this article at Parenting.com....." 

and go from there.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

String not sure what your wife is doing for work, But my wife doesn't answer me all the time due to her job. But she does read it and smile...So keep doing the texts...and it's your wife...you can send naughty things to her.  

But good advice Mommybean, yes day cares need to be scrutinized, I had a good one, don't get me wrong witht eh day care situation, some SAHP are fantastic, but String is working he can't be there as he should. So he seems to be dividing it up well.


String, seriously the date night is a big deal. Start to do it.


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## kozzy (Jul 2, 2009)

String,

We have a 21 month old who didn't sleep through the night for the first 13 months. It was a very difficult period for both of us, but particularly hard on my wife. And she in turn, was particularly hard on me. She's a wonderful, loving caring person, but during those 13 months, she could swing from happy to sad to angry to apathetic in 3.2 seconds. At the time I worried she was going to leave me, but looking back, she was just miserable due to the situation; she couldn't take it out on anyone else, so she took it out on me. 

My only advice is, put the affair thoughts out of your mind - she's not having one, and don't you even consider it. You're going through a period you just have to get through. I can't tell you how long it will take, but it will pass and you'll be able to rebuild your relationship.


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## blueberry (Jul 30, 2009)

As a mom of a little one I know that the best way for my husband to get me in the mood when I'm tired is to remind me that I'm not just a mom - I'm a woman. He does this by being flirty, playful, and complimentary. All the things GAsoccerman listed. The way you look at her makes a big difference. And a lot of these things need to be done continuously - even if they dont seem to be helping at first! She will feel it over time through your consistency. Good luck!


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## String (Jul 30, 2009)

I just wanted to take the time to thank all of you for your advice and support. It isn't easy but you have all given me a lot to think about and things to start implementing.

I have already scheduled the 2nd and 4th Saturday of every month as date night which she openly welcomed.

Thank you very much, I truly appreciate all of your comments.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

good luck string

it basically boils down to this, if you want it you have to work your butt off for it and hope she gets the hints. it doesn't sound like she is going to give in easily (i understand). there is a point where rejection just gets to be more overbearing than the sex is worth (now your in my league). that threshold is different for everybody.

alot of men (me included) need to know that their wife wants sex, they want them to initiate more, dress sexy, take control now and then. we dont understand that even though they like and enjoy sex when in occurs, they just wont take the steps to make it happen.


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