# he didn't cheat, but still feel betrayed. How to get over it?



## Nacoma (Jan 25, 2011)

Hello,
I'm new here, and looking for some advice. Please feel free to tell me if I am over reacting, as I could probably use a different perspective....I'm completely open to someone (gently) telling me if I am blowing this out of the water.

The backround info is this: my husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, together for almost 8. I have never been a fan of pornography in relationships - I know that is a debate topic, but thats not my intention for this thread. It's my belief that in a marriage, porn is either a) accepted by both partners or b) accepted by one but not by the other. In most situations, I fall into category B. 

About 5-6 years ago, porn was a big problem in our relationship. It got to the point that it was replacing our sex life and that my hubby had even registered on a personals site that specialized in "discreet sex". As far as I know, he never met or even talked to any of the women on that site, but the fact that he had even registered on it cause ALOT of conflict between us and ultimately broke all of my trust in him. Not only was the personals site a really big blow to my esteem and trust, it had hurt SO much to know that while he knew my feelings about porn and how much he hurt me, he continued to do it. However, we worked through it and eventually the issue "disappeared". I forgave him and started to rebuild my trust in him. 

Fast forward to present - Things were going FANTASTIC between us. I consider us to be very happlily married and things just feel/felt so right between us. Most of any trust issues I had had been rebuilt. I say most, because sometimes I still felt the need to go through the internet history to see if I could "find anything". 

His job requires him to be gone from home for extended periods of time, so he's on his own, I'm on my own, and so trust has becoming a much more important requirement in our marriage. I completely trust him while he's away from home.

Yesterday I found a movie that he had watched that was more soft core porn in nature. Now this didn't even bug me THAT much - I felt a *little* stung, but not nearly as much as I would've in the past. Because of his job, I've even become okay with him watching it because we can't be together at that time, and it doesn't effect our marriage or our sex life.
So anyway, I was ready to laugh it off, and when I talked to him on the phone, I even said it with a big smile "so how was (movie name)?" 
He began to lie about it: saying he put that on by accident, he clicked the wrong movie title, etc.... That's when I started to feel really upset and betrayed: he started, and kept on lieing about it! He took steps to erase things from the computer so that I wouldn't find out, he tried to cover his tracks, and THAT is where I've lost the trust. 

I know it sounds really simple; and even a little stupid how worked up I am over this, but the bottom line is that he lied to me. 

I'm trying not to bring up our past issues into this situation, but I feel the exact same way. It started out the same way. I would go to bed and he would stay up on the computer all night. All of the emotions I had back then are back now, and this is just a reminder of what we went through years ago. I WANT to be past this point. I don't want to be angry and suspicious all of the time, but a big part of me feels like if he can lie about something so small as this, what else is he lieing about? 

Hypothetically, if he was to go on the personals sites again, he would be taking the same steps to cover his tracks so that I wouldn't find out, as he did now. (deleting history, cookies, cache, etc....) 

I asked him why he lied to me about it, he said because he knew I would freak out if I found out he watched it.... Well IMO, then why do it in the first place? He accused me of always thinking the worst scenario "about people", and so he didn't want me to see that.... well, like I said, I was ready to laugh it off, but he continued to lie and thats what hurts to most. I feel betrayed and hurt by this, and I can't help but think about how much I trusted him after "the incident" years ago, and I let my guard down only to be hurt by the same type of thing again years later..... 

It's not that he doesn't love me. In his defence, I understand why men like porn and that for my husband, it's purely a visual thing. I don't feel like he's unsatisifed with me/us, I know it was just a simple thing to "help him along".... my view on porn *has* relaxed a little, however I can't stand being lied to.... 

Any thoughts... how can I just get over this and move on? Instead, I'm stuck in feeling angry and betrayed


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow this is almost identical to what i went through a few months ago. my H also had a porn problem that replaced our sex life and we both worked hard to overcome the issues that surfaced because of it. I was starting to rebuild my trust in him and then i found video's of porn. Like you, i was just going to ask and it wasnt that big of a deal. but he LIED about it!! i couldnt believe it. i wasnt even upset about the porn, i was so upset that he was willing to throw everything we had worked for over some stupid video. it was horrible. i realized that he was the same exact person and i lost all trust in him again. that night i just cried and cried. i was crushed all over again. 

i was thinking about this incident today. i realized im completely over it. i guess because i have many other things in my life that im really interested in and because well, i guess i realize my H is human and maybe my emotional dependence on him telling the truth is a little unhealthy. should my whole world really fall apart because a guy likes porn and is too immature to be a man about it? It hurts, dont get me wrong, and i still dont trust him, but its not the end of the world. There are a lot of other things about him that i appreciate, and also because i know he's trying. still, i dont trust him and it affects my level of intimacy with him. 

one thing you can do is ask him if he'd be willing to put a program called K9 web protection on his computer. its a completely free program that will log every site he goes to. you have a password and he cant alter the contents of what he's viewed. if he is willing to do that then you can be assured he is sorry for lying and is willing to help rebuild your trust. If he wont do it, saying its a breech of his privacy, or citing any other lame excuse, you can be sure he's hiding something else and you should back off emotional.


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## Socal Mommy (Jan 25, 2011)

I found that I was hurt about the deception, not my H looking at porn. The porn itself doesn't bother me. What I encountered was that is just wasn't porn. That lead to social websites, personals, chatting, texting, phone calls, secret email accounts...... If your H is lying to you about this what else is he hiding?


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## SurprisedinME (Jan 7, 2011)

I don't think it's stupid. 

Listen, we all have deal breakers. Maybe porn is yours. For many people, they won't even consider reconciling after an affair, but many on this site have. So the issue is not is your deal breaker is valid or not, but what your deal breaker is. 

I am not comfortable with any porn. I used to be, but I am no longer. I have good valid reasons for this. On the other hand, I am working to reconcile with a WH who had a PA.

I am no relationship expert, but there are some on here who can probably offer you solid advice. My advice is to be honest with yourself about your deal breakers. Write down what it is that bothers you and why. And be open and honest with your spouse about what they are. Ask him to be open and honest, too, about his. 

Don't blame or accuse, just be true about your feelings. When you've hurt someone you can feel backed into a corner, and you don't want him to feel that way. His defensiveness is understandable but of course hurtful to you. You need your feelings validated. He needs to understand this, in a supportive and loving environment.

Again, no expert, just my opinion. You have every right to your feelings!


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## bamboo (Jul 20, 2012)

I have had a similiar experience. It is a big deal or he wouldn't have to lie about it. I have been doing research and 56% of divorces are because of porn issues without "infedelity". 500,000 people divorce a year because of porn. If it wasn't harmful, that would not happen. Basically he is lusting after other women who are all under 25 and it makes me feel that I am not enough. I think it is a problem and it ruins my self esteem. It has completely ruined my sex life! I used to feel sexy... now I don't. I just found him watching bikinis online and it is disgusting. He is 44 and these girls are late teens. Anyway, I am tired of being on this merry go round(i find it, he's sorry and will stop). I am over it. Last night I told him that I am leaving with our two kids if he doesn't change.


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## bamboo (Jul 20, 2012)

I agree with socal mommy. It starts at soft porn and goes from there. It will lead to adultry because it is an addiction. It is like telling a heroin addict that they can have the needle, just don't use it.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Your best bet is a key logger. Now! He is hiding things. Just porn? You're not going to know by trusting him because he has already proven he will lie and hide. You decide what you tolerate but you can't do something about someone crossing your line if you aren't looking at the line.


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## bamboo (Jul 20, 2012)

what is a key logger?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Nacoma said:


> It's not that he doesn't love me. In his defence, *I understand why men like porn and that for my husband, it's purely a visual thing*. I don't feel like he's unsatisifed with me/us, I know it was just a simple thing to "help him along".... my view on porn *has* relaxed a little, however I can't stand being lied to....
> 
> Any thoughts... how can I just get over this and move on? Instead, I'm stuck in feeling angry and betrayed


Then tell him that it's ok for him to watch porn so he doesn't have to lie to you.

Edit: I don't mean to belittle your situation but I think you should read some of the threads here to get a feeling for some of the problems that others are having in their marriages. I would love if my ex wife only had a porn problem instead of screwing around on me with multiple affair partners.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

why do you think he felt the need to lie about it? He wasn't very intelligent about it. He could have just tell you that (specially if it was softcore) he found the situation of the film erotic and he would love to enact some of that stuff with you or something. Instead he lied and made an ass out of himself. 

I think many people are mistaking cause and consequence regarding porn. Porn 9/10 times isn't the problem. It's a way to satisfy a need that isn't being met. The real problem is the reason that the husband needs porn. Just like it drives women to read those corny romantic novels.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Then tell him that it's ok for him to watch porn so he doesn't have to lie to you.
> 
> Edit: I don't mean to belittle your situation but I think you should read some of the threads here to get a feeling for some of the problems that others are having in their marriages. I would love if my ex wife only had a porn problem instead of screwing around on me with multiple affair partners.


Yeah, and my fWW didn't view porn, yet she cheated. 54%? Yeah, right.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

May I ask... do you ever get freaky with your H in bed?
Try new and exciting things? Ask him what he would like to do to you? Tell him your desires?

Some people have a problem with porn. I'm not one of them.

He's obviously missing something he needs from YOU.

You two need to get to the bottom of that.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Nacoma, your husband is a grown man and you should stop treating him as as child or else he'll one day grow to resent you -- and porn will be the least of your problems.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

What the heck? Who revived this zombie thread?


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

A dark necromancer who goes by the name of bamboo


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Am running away!


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