# Separation at 61 after 41 years married



## rcguy (9 mo ago)

I overheard my wife tell her friend 9 months ago that she wants to separate after our son graduates. 
Well now that he finished university, our daughter announced she is getting married this summer. 
Now my wife is stalling with the separation agreement because of the wedding. I was retired but went back to working full time after I found out about the separation coming up. 
Should we delay telling our family, 2 sons and a daughter, until after the wedding? Not sure how we will handle the stress of both these things at the same time. My wife works too and both of our jobs are stressful.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If the plan is to divorce - then just divorce.
There is no value in pretending. Reality should override any upcoming events.
Any couple can play nice for a one/two day event.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Why are you so passive? Do you let your wife control everything in your marriage?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

rcguy said:


> I overheard my wife tell her friend 9 months ago that she wants to separate after our son graduates.
> Well now that he finished university, our daughter announced she is getting married this summer.
> Now my wife is stalling with the separation agreement because of the wedding. I was retired but went back to working full time after I found out about the separation coming up.
> Should we delay telling our family, 2 sons and a daughter, until after the wedding? Not sure how we will handle the stress of both these things at the same time. My wife works too and both of our jobs are stressful.


Does she know that you know her plans?

It won't be stressful if you split amicably. It is pretty sad that she thinks it is okay to just string you along while she delays what she wants to do until it is convenient for her. Everyone is adults in this situation, so act like responsible adults.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Spankins all around I say.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Did she share why she wants to separate?  It sounds like it was connected to your retirement and now that you’re working again, she’s put it on hold. Just a wild guess based on what you’ve shared but probably a lot more to it.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> If the plan is to divorce - then just divorce.
> There is no value in pretending. Reality should override any upcoming events.
> Any couple can play nice for a one/two day event.


I agree. We are going to couples counseling at my request, so that I can move this forward. Now that I see she won't change her mind


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Why are you so passive? Do you let your wife control everything in your marriage?


Honestly, yes I did let her control our marriage until the last couple of years. When I started to push back with what I wanted she wants out of the marriage.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Does she know that you know her plans?
> 
> It won't be stressful if you split amicably. It is pretty sad that she thinks it is okay to just string you along while she delays what she wants to do until it is convenient for her. Everyone is adults in this situation, so act like responsible adults.


She is worried more about other peoples impressions than about me. That has been normal for many years. I'm sure she feels some guilt over this too.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Andy1001 said:


> Why are you so passive? Do you let your wife control everything in your marriage?


After spending 41 years of your life married to someone, I imagine that he is feeling pretty devastated and a mix of emotions.

I would suggest marriage counseling and try to figure out why she is feeling like this.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Did she share why she wants to separate?  It sounds like it was connected to your retirement and now that you’re working again, she’s put it on hold. Just a wild guess based on what you’ve shared but probably a lot more to it.


Mainly her complaint is that we don't socialize enough as a couple anymore. Plus when I was forced to retire early in 2019, I was depressed and moody for a while. Then of course Covid.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

rcguy said:


> I overheard my wife tell her friend 9 months ago that she wants to separate after our son graduates.
> Well now that he finished university, our daughter announced she is getting married this summer.
> Now my wife is stalling with the separation agreement because of the wedding. I was retired but went back to working full time after I found out about the separation coming up.
> Should we delay telling our family, 2 sons and a daughter, until after the wedding? Not sure how we will handle the stress of both these things at the same time. My wife works too and both of our jobs are stressful.


**** her. Just go ahead and pull the trigger. Give her what she wants.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> After spending 41 years of your life married to someone, I imagine that he is feeling pretty devastated and a mix of emotions.
> 
> I would suggest marriage counseling and try to figure out why she is feeling like this.


She refused counseling up until a couple of weeks ago. But at the session we went to she was absolutely certain that she wants to end the marriage. Just not yet.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> **** her. Just go ahead and pull the trigger. Give her what she wants.


I think that is the only option I have at this point. Just need to figure out how to get started.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@rcguy ,

My exH was like this too: absolutely certain he wanted to end the marriage...just not yet. That's because he wanted the "image" of the successful businessman with a happy family and the white picket fence...AND he wanted the freedom to screw around with whomever he pleased. Essentially, he wanted me to just sit around and wait for him while he decided whether to a) honor his vows to his wife, mother of his children and business partner or b) get all the strange tail he wanted. 

I chose to NOT sit around and wait for her to decide. I'm not some toy to put on a shelf while you ignore it and neglect it! So I chose FOR ME and for my kids to not sit around and wait for "when he wanted to end the marriage" and went ahead and did it. 

I understand it's been 41 years and you probably don't really want this. I sure didn't! I wanted my husband to choose to behave honorably--but he wouldn't. So I'm curious, why you would let her decide "when she's ready to end it." Why don't you look deep into your heart and decide if you are willing to be treated like an option...if she has no other choice?


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

She is clearly acting completely in her self interest. It is time you did the same. Given the situation, look after yourself first. If the best thing for you is to divorce right now, see a lawyer and start the process. You can only control yourself, so you can move ahead in an adult way and hope she does the same.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

rcguy said:


> She refused counseling up until a couple of weeks ago. But at the session we went to she was absolutely certain that she wants to end the marriage. Just not yet.


In that case I would proceed to end it right now. It's offensive and highly disrespectful that she is treating you like a piece of disposable property she is going to throw away once she feels like doing it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tell your kids. They are grown. They can handle it. Do not let your wife do all the talking and control the narrative. You have a whole new world opening up that might give you a wife that actually loves you. Ditch her with gusto.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Affaircare said:


> @rcguy ,
> 
> My exH was like this too: absolutely certain he wanted to end the marriage...just not yet. That's because he wanted the "image" of the successful businessman with a happy family and the white picket fence...AND he wanted the freedom to screw around with whomever he pleased. Essentially, he wanted me to just sit around and wait for him while he decided whether to a) honor his vows to his wife, mother of his children and business partner or b) get all the strange tail he wanted.
> 
> ...


That must have been hard to go through but a big relief after it's over, I'm sure. I have to work out some self-esteem issues so I started therapy on my own. I also need to accept that the marriage is over. Stop grieving over it.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Get out of the high stress job, too. Life is too short to tolerate that nonsense.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

rcguy said:


> She refused counseling up until a couple of weeks ago. But at the session we went to she was absolutely certain that she wants to end the marriage. Just not yet.


Because that is what is convenient for HER...not you.

Unfortunately in divorce, it is most often a zero sum game. In other words, what is good for her is likely the opposite for you.

Don't fall for it. Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Tell your kids. They are grown. They can handle it. Do not let your wife do all the talking and control the narrative. You have a whole new world opening up that might give you a wife that actually loves you. Ditch her with gusto.


I agree they can handle it, not sure why my wife wants to stall. Maybe the couples counseling will help me find out?


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> Get out of the high stress job, too. Life is too short to tolerate that nonsense.


Thanks for saying that. Your right. Thinking I took the job because it might change her mind. Of course if I want to get a mortgage and buy my own condo or house I'll need to have an income.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

rcguy said:


> I agree they can handle it, not sure why my wife wants to stall. Maybe the couples counseling will help me find out?


Who cares what she wants? Don't cover for her. Strike first so you can take control of the narrative.your kids deserve to know what's going on and who the one initiating it is.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

farsidejunky said:


> Because that is what is convenient for HER...not you.
> 
> Unfortunately in divorce, it is most often a zero sum game. In other words, what is good for her is likely the opposite for you.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply. I've tolerated a lot in the marriage. Need to change my thinking patterns. Or lack of thinking at all.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Move half your shared savings to your account 
Seriously. It sounds like she has someone else on the side. Why should he (or she) benefit from your hard-earned savings?


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Who cares what she wants? Don't cover for her. Strike first so you can take control of the narrative.your kids deserve to know what's going on and who the one initiating it is.


That's true, but why am I so afraid to do it? This feels like a nightmare.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Move half your shared savings to your account
> Seriously. It sounds like she has someone else on the side. Why should he (or she) benefit from your hard-earned savings?


I think she may have someone else too. I asked her where she was going to live after we sell the house and she said possibly with a friend. Plus a lot of midnight texts and calls that she is hiding.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

rcguy said:


> She refused counseling up until a couple of weeks ago. But at the session we went to she was absolutely certain that she wants to end the marriage. Just not yet.


I’m sure she wants everything on her timeline. She’s stalling for time at your expense. Why? 
If it were me I’d at least go online and check her phone bill.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

rcguy said:


> I think she may have someone else too. I asked her where she was going to live after we sell the house and she said possibly with a friend. Plus a lot of midnight texts and calls that she is hiding.


Hire a detective who will nail this down. Maybe even snap some photos. Could come in handy when she tries to get half your income.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

rcguy said:


> I think she may have someone else too. I asked her where she was going to live after we sell the house and she said possibly with a friend. Plus a lot of midnight texts and calls that she is hiding.


Oh boy. That statement contains more red flags than a Soviet Victory Day parade.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Captain Obvious said:


> Oh boy. That statement contains more red flags than a Soviet Victory Day parade.


Well-played and timely!


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Seriously, file for divorce now. You can control the narrative. Let everyone know she wants out of the marriage but is stringing you along. You decided to pull the trigger bc you want to get on with your life.

Just realized Tested by Stress already made this point.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Captain Obvious said:


> Seriously, file for divorce now. You can control the narrative. Let everyone know she wants out of the marriage but is stringing you along. You decided to pull the trigger bc you want to get on with your life.


First-strike. I like it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

From a financial perspective, should you retire again? Will your income from employment result in owing alimony? How does her income compare, and is there an age difference that may matter for duration of alimony?


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

rcguy said:


> I think she may have someone else too. I asked her where she was going to live after we sell the house and she said possibly with a friend. Plus a lot of midnight texts and calls that she is hiding.


Likely she has not obtained any firm commitment from your potential replacement otherwise she would not be looking to delay.

Leave on your timetable not hers. Do not take her back.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

rcguy said:


> She refused counseling up until a couple of weeks ago. But at the session we went to she was absolutely certain that she wants to end the marriage. Just not yet.


"Just not yet."

No.

She no longer gets that choice.

You do. 

If she won't sh*t, kick her off the pot.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> **** her. Just go ahead and pull the trigger. Give her what she wants.


Agree.
Except about one point.
DO NOT **** her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

rcguy said:


> I overheard my wife tell her friend 9 months ago that she wants to separate after our son graduates.
> Well now that he finished university, our daughter announced she is getting married this summer.
> Now my wife is stalling with the separation agreement because of the wedding. I was retired but went back to working full time after I found out about the separation coming up.
> Should we delay telling our family, 2 sons and a daughter, until after the wedding? Not sure how we will handle the stress of both these things at the same time. My wife works too and both of our jobs are stressful.


A wedding is a lot of work and stress, so yeah, don't try to do it while that is going on. Wait until everyone is settled. Sorry you're going through this.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

rcguy said:


> Maybe the couples counseling will help me find out?


What in earth, heaven or hell for?


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

syhoybenden said:


> "Just not yet."
> 
> No.
> 
> ...





ElOtro said:


> What in earth, heaven or hell for?


My counseling would be sit her down at the kitchen table and ask her who she's ****ing and how long it's been going on. Then tell her the moving van will be there in two days. Start packing. Yes, wait till after the wedding. Then the blade falls fast.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jesus dude, no wonder why your wife wants out. You come across as a SIMP, a dud. Do you have a will of your own? I mean, I'm not trying to dish it out on you, but to see if you can grab your balls and wake up to start looking after yourself. Time to put the big boys pants and start controlling the narrative. You were saying that you didn't how how to go about it for the divorce, well dude is simply very easy; you go to a lawyer, have him file and serve her with divorce papers. It's that easy, you actually don't have to do anything, your lawyer's office will do it for you. You just need to have the balls the stay the course when she gets served. Period. In the meantime are getting all your finances straighten out? Do you already consulted with a lawyer to see where you stand in the divorce, do you already know what's legally at stake for? It's been nine months since you find out, so if you haven't done anything at all then shame on you. Remember, rule number one in this planet is survival of the fittest. So far, you've shown that you are not fit. Time to remedy that, is not too late.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rcguy said:


> Thanks for saying that. Your right. Thinking I took the job because it might change her mind. Of course if I want to get a mortgage and buy my own condo or house I'll need to have an income.


Can you sell the joint home and afford a small place each?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rcguy said:


> I think she may have someone else too. I asked her where she was going to live after we sell the house and she said possibly with a friend. Plus a lot of midnight texts and calls that she is hiding.


Woops, yes sounds like another person is involved.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I had a different situation than you may (my husband was a serial cheater) but I divorced in my mid-60’s after 45 years of marriage. It was difficult to make that decision but I did it anyway. I created a new life and I’m very happy. You can be too.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

rcguy said:


> That must have been hard to go through but a big relief after it's over, I'm sure. I have to work out some self-esteem issues so I started therapy on my own. I also need to accept that the marriage is over. Stop grieving over it.


Grieving is a process, takes time and it doesn’t just go away. I’m glad you are in therapy and working on yourself. If your wife is sure she wants to end the marriage, so be it. Maybe there were years when the communication broke down and she didn’t feel heard. This has happened with several of my friends and by the time they got to counseling, it was too late. It’s hard to see long term marriages end. No matter what happens, you still have a lot of years in front of you.


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## Junebug86 (Mar 16, 2021)

rcguy said:


> That's true, but why am I so afraid to do it? This feels like a nightmare.


Because it’s normal to be afraid of change. You have been known each other for a long time and shared a long life. It’s difficult and painful. Nothing this complicated is easy no matter what people say.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> A wedding is a lot of work and stress, so yeah, don't try to do it while that is going on. Wait until everyone is settled. Sorry you're going through this.


Stress for HER. That's why she wants to wait and do this on her timeline and when it's convenient for her. 

Guys don't care about weddings and it's no skin off his back so the "stress" of a wedding is no factor to him. All he has to do is show up on time and appropriately dressed. He can do that if he has filed for divorce and whatever color the place mats are or how the napkins and center pieces are placed on the tables are of no concern to him so why should he care about what kind of "stress" his wife that is going to leave him is going through with the wedding???

Not his circus, not his monkey.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Stress for HER. That's why she wants to wait and do this on her timeline and when it's convenient for her.
> 
> Guys don't care about weddings and it's no skin off his back so the "stress" of a wedding is no factor to him. All he has to do is show up on time and appropriately dressed. He can do that if he has filed for divorce and whatever color the place mats are or how the napkins and center pieces are placed on the tables are of no concern to him so why should he care about what kind of "stress" his wife that is going to leave him is going through with the wedding???
> 
> Not his circus, not his monkey.


Because it will just cost more money with attorneys as things are put on hold from the delays.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Because it will just cost more money with attorneys as things are put on hold from the delays.


What delays??

It's all going to cost the same in the end regardless and the price of gas, groceries and lumber is just going to keep going up so there is no financial advantage to waiting until after the wedding. 

She just wants not mess with the divorce until after she is done with all her mother-of-the-bride pageantry. 

Screw that. 

Dump the papers in her lap right now and let her deal with it. Let her deal with lawyers and paperwork trying to get her other man to take her in sooner than they were planning now. 

It may even end up costing him LESS in the long run because now when she starts asking for stupid sht for the wedding he can stick his middle finger in her face say, "Fk you. YOU pay for the swans."


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> What delays??
> 
> It's all going to cost the same in the end regardless and the price of gas, groceries and lumber is just going to keep going up so there is no financial advantage to waiting until after the wedding.
> 
> ...


No. People can have legit reasons to delay hearings and such.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> No. People can have legit reasons to delay hearings and such.


Yeah, so?

Again, not his circus, not his monkey. 

She's the one that wants to divorce him at her convenience and in accordance to her plans and timelines and when it works out best for her. 

Why should he have to accommidate that when it's all going to cost him the same or more in the end anyway? 

All that wedding crap is her issue.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I guess what I am saying is if she is going to leave him and divorce him anyway, why should he bend over to make it easier on her and to accommidate her and her conveniences and timelines? 

If he takes the bull by horns and takes initiative, he can at least do some of it on his terms and his timelines.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Yeah, so?
> 
> Again, not his circus, not his monkey.
> 
> ...


It's not up to him if they are using attorneys and doing things legally. Parties' attorneys have to agree on the times for things, generally.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

rcguy said:


> I think she may have someone else too. I asked her where she was going to live after we sell the house and *she said possibly with a friend.* Plus a lot of midnight texts and calls that she is hiding.


Yes, I suspect that she being coached by this other person, it could be a _pistol packer_, or it could be a _holster_.

From the sound of it, I suspect that her OP has boobs.
I could be wrong.

The gender matters not, the two are not acting in* your* best interest.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

You posted:
"*I think that is the only option I have at this point. Just need to figure out how to get started."*

Holy Snarfblat! "figure out how" ???? Did you fall off a turnip truck when you were picking?

Find out who the best divorce lawyers are (with a bent towards protecting the menfolks) and avail yourself of their advices.

Pay them and do what they advise. In the meantime - starting yesterday - get all your finances in order. NOTHING you do
will change the perspective of EVRYONE affected (in the end) by moving away from your WW. I say WW as her reasons
smell of disonesty. 

Or just maybe, she really doesn't like you anymore and wants "out."


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's not up to him if they are using attorneys and doing things legally. Parties' attorneys have to agree on the times for things, generally.


OK but that has nothing to do with what I am talking about.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> OK but that has nothing to do with what I am talking about.


I got that way before you did.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

rcguy said:


> That must have been hard to go through but a big relief after it's over, I'm sure. I have to work out some self-esteem issues so I started therapy on my own. I also need to accept that the marriage is over. Stop grieving over it.


Don’t be in too big of a hurry. It takes a loooong time to truly get over it. Only wh egg. You go no contact and start heading another direction in life will it get better. This is a rough deal. She’s been detaching for a long time and you didn’t know about it. Might be a lot you don’t know about.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

ElOtro said:


> Agree.
> Except about one point.
> DO NOT **** her.


You are correct sir she does not deserve the honor


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I guess what I am saying is if she is going to leave him and divorce him anyway, why should he bend over to make it easier on her and to accommidate her and her conveniences and timelines?
> 
> If he takes the bull by horns and takes initiative, he can at least do some of it on his terms and his timelines.


Well IF he chose to wait til after the wedding, I assume it would be so much more about his daughter than his stbx wife.

His daughter has probably a bunch of stress if it’s a traditional wedding.

OP doesn’t divorce or not that’s up to you. Wait or not. It sounds like she’s either having an affair or a walk away wife or both. So chances are it’s done. So plan for a divorce.

Timing is up to you. As others have said you can get an attorney and start the ball rolling if you want. Or you can wait til after the wedding. I think you wants her to change her mind. If that’s the case you should figure out if she’s doing an affair or walk away. You might could effectively end an affair but would you want a cheater? Walk away wives you can’t normally stop. They’ve been unhappy and unheard for years and usually just biding their time til the children are done with school. They usually don’t love their husbands anymore and have years of resentment.

since you say that she’s had her way until the last few years then it’s probably an affair. Or you don’t understand her and what you consider to be her way wasn’t whatshe actually wanted.

bottom line it looks like you do need to plan for a divorce. Get an attorney.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I get so tired of hearing about “stress”.

thus woman is obviously with an affair partner, male or female, and us divorcing her husband of 41 years.

If given times to get HER ducks in a row, she is just going to screw the OP worse.

He needs to drop bring a doormat and take control of his life. If his daughter gets too “stressed” she can lay that blame at the feet of her mom where it belongs. If she’s any kind of daughter at all and not a spoiled, selfish child, she will be supportive of her dad finding his manhood and taking out the trash by filing for divorce. Every day he waits is another nail in his own coffin.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Married but Happy said:


> From a financial perspective, should you retire again? Will your income from employment result in owing alimony? How does her income compare, and is there an age difference that may matter for duration of alimony?


That is what I wonder as well. My income is double hers be cause I receive pension as well. As for age we are both born in the same year, she is older than me by 5 months.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Jesus dude, no wonder why your wife wants out. You come across as a SIMP, a dud. Do you have a will of your own? I mean, I'm not trying to dish it out on you, but to see if you can grab your balls and wake up to start looking after yourself. Time to put the big boys pants and start controlling the narrative. You were saying that you didn't how how to go about it for the divorce, well dude is simply very easy; you go to a lawyer, have him file and serve her with divorce papers. It's that easy, you actually don't have to do anything, your lawyer's office will do it for you. You just need to have the balls the stay the course when she gets served. Period. In the meantime are getting all your finances straighten out? Do you already consulted with a lawyer to see where you stand in the divorce, do you already know what's legally at stake for? It's been nine months since you find out, so if you haven't done anything at all then shame on you. Remember, rule number one in this planet is survival of the fittest. So far, you've shown that you are not fit. Time to remedy that, is not too late.


Thanks for the honest reply. Yes I've consulted a lawyer and in the last nine months read everything I can to prepare for the divorce. But reading and thinking is not doing. Time to take some action now. My finances are almost separated from hers mostly because she has had a spending problem for many years too.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I get so tired of hearing about “stress”.
> 
> thus woman is obviously with an affair partner, male or female, and us divorcing her husband of 41 years.
> 
> ...


Personally if the wedding is just a few weeks away I would put my child first and wait.
After 41 years what does a few more weeks matter?
Let her enjoy her wedding without her parents splitting up just before it.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well IF he chose to wait til after the wedding, I assume it would be so much more about his daughter than his stbx wife.
> 
> His daughter has probably a bunch of stress if it’s a traditional wedding.
> 
> ...


Thanks for this reply. Yes my daughter has some stress from the wedding, that's true, but I think she would be furious with her mom. Likely why she is avoiding telling her the truth. I doubt there is an affair going on, could be wrong though. 
My best guess would be a walk away wife. For the last 20 years I tried to get her to go to couples counseling but she wasn't interested. Possibly made up her mind long ago that the divorce was coming. So sad that we wasted all those years being unhappy.
Made some tough decisions the last few days, and soon both of our worlds are going to change big time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My exH had a friend, in his late 60’s at the time, who decided he wanted a divorce. His daughter was having a huge wedding with all the planning that involves so he decided to wait for awhile. He ended up waiting over a year in the hope that his daughter would be okay with the divorce. She wasn’t. You can’t plan these things.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Personally if the wedding is just a few weeks away I would put my child first and wait.
> After 41 years what does a few more weeks matter?
> Let her enjoy her wedding without her parents splitting up just before it.





Openminded said:


> My exH had a friend, in his late 60’s at the time, who decided he wanted a divorce. His daughter was having a huge wedding with all the planning that involves so he decided to wait for awhile. He ended up waiting over a year in the hope that his daughter would be okay with the divorce. She wasn’t. You can’t plan these things.


My thoughts are that the separation would be a big distraction during the wedding celebrations. Weather it makes my wife happy or not , doesn't matter to me. Still I can't decide if I should tell my daughter what's going on, or not.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Children, even adult children, don’t usually want their parents to divorce. My child was early 40’s and definitely not happy when I got a divorce. No point in telling your daughter before the wedding, IMO.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your daughter may take it better if it’s “only” a separation and not a divorce. She may think it’s temporary. Is that what your wife plans?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

rcguy said:


> My thoughts are that the separation would be a big distraction during the wedding celebrations. Weather it makes my wife happy or not , doesn't matter to me. Still I can't decide if I should tell my daughter what's going on, or not.


I’ll bet everyone in your family already has a pretty good idea that your marriage has been in name only for a while. Making it formal gives them one less thing to feel awkward about.

Is there any history of infidelity?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

rcguy said:


> She refused counseling up until a couple of weeks ago. But at the session we went to she was absolutely certain that she wants to end the marriage. Just not yet.


Dont let her call the shots.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

rcguy said:


> She refused counseling up until a couple of weeks ago.* But at the session we went to she was absolutely certain that she wants to end the marriage. Just not yet.*





rcguy said:


> I overheard my wife tell her friend 9 months ago that she wants to separate after our son graduates.
> Well now that he finished university, our daughter announced she is getting married this summer.
> Now my wife is stalling with the separation agreement because of the wedding. I was retired but went back to working full time after I found out about the separation coming up.
> Should we delay telling our family, 2 sons and a daughter, until after the wedding? Not sure how we will handle the stress of both these things at the same time. My wife works too and both of our jobs are stressful.





rcguy said:


> I agree. We are going to couples counseling at my request, so that I can move this forward. Now that I see she won't change her mind


My advice is to continue with her if possible the marriage counseling sessions. The three things I would ask the marriage counselor to focus on would be (1) Figure out where your relationship broke down and what if anything it would take to repair it. (2) What each of you feel you each want in a relationship in 10 years, 15 years, 20 years. (3) What you can agree to tell your children and friends that will be truthful and honest and can you part friends so it will not be impossible to attend family events and holidays with your children. Seriously try to save your marriage and if you can't learn from your mistakes so you don't repeat them in your next relationship.

I would also suggest MW Davis book Divorce Busting on some ideas on how to change the dynamic in your relationship that might keep the two of you from divorcing.

Good Luck


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

rcguy said:


> I agree they can handle it, not sure why my wife wants to stall. Maybe the couples counseling will help me find out?





rcguy said:


> I think she may have someone else too. I asked her where she was going to live after we sell the house and she said possibly with a friend. Plus a lot of midnight texts and calls that she is hiding.


She is cheating and wants to look like an angel. You need to focus on exposing her. Do you live in a fault state where adultery has an impact on the divorce? You need to blow up her world and let the family see that she is not what she appears to be, don't make this easy on her. Blow it all up after you find out who she is being unfaithful with. Get a PI to do the work for you then expose her before your daughter's wedding, give her something to grapple with. You have been too passive this far.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

As someone who was unceremoniously "dumped" after 35 years together (at that time), I can very much sympathise with you. It hurts. A lot. I have no advice... just look after yourself and make yourself the number one in your life. I guess this is some sort of advice...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rcguy said:


> My thoughts are that the separation would be a big distraction during the wedding celebrations. Weather it makes my wife happy or not , doesn't matter to me. Still I can't decide if I should tell my daughter what's going on, or not.


Tell her a little while after the wedding/honeymoon. It's just a few weeks away. Even adult children can be devastated at their parents marriage ending. You don't want her to forever associate her wedding with her parents marriage ending.
That's what I would do in your position anyway because my children always come first. You can get things ready now and then wait just a little while. It's not about your wife it's about your daughter and her fiance and other children if you have them.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I wouldn't say anything before the wedding. Remember, it's not all about you. Don't spoil it for others.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

rcguy said:


> I overheard my wife tell her friend 9 months ago that she wants to separate after our son graduates.
> Well now that he finished university, our daughter announced she is getting married this summer.
> Now my wife is stalling with the separation agreement because of the wedding. I was retired but went back to working full time after I found out about the separation coming up.
> Should we delay telling our family, 2 sons and a daughter, until after the wedding? Not sure how we will handle the stress of both these things at the same time. My wife works too and both of our jobs are stressful.


Separate now. There will never be "a better time". Now is the time. Do it first and surprise her. Like she was going to surprise you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

rcguy said:


> I agree they can handle it, not sure why my wife wants to stall. Maybe the couples counseling will help me find out?


No, she wants to do it when convenient to her.

Do it niw.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Woops, yes sounds like another person is involved.


Yep. Cats out of the bag.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's not up to him if they are using attorneys and doing things legally. Parties' attorneys have to agree on the times for things, generally.


He can split anytime he wants, or he can file and start proceedings. And stop funding her.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Separate now. There will never be "a better time". Now is the time. Do it first and surprise her. Like she was going to surprise you.


Never separate, that's just a technicality people who want to cheat on their spouses use to justify their cheating. Given what is transpiring, I'd file and have her served straight away. Not after the marriage, but right now.

You don't have to announce it to the family until after the wedding, but if your wife is so unfeeling and self-centered that she does just that, then on her head be it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Personally if the wedding is just a few weeks away I would put my child first and wait.
> After 41 years what does a few more weeks matter?
> Let her enjoy her wedding without her parents splitting up just before it.


Her daughter already knows it's coming.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Why do you think she is not cheating? In one post you imply that she is and has someone else that she might end up living with in addition to the secretive texts etc. In the other post you say that you doubt that she is having an affair. Which is it? This is pretty important in how you handle this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Her daughter already knows it's coming.


Maybe she does maybe she doesn't but her wedding is a very important time so wh ruin it for her for the sake of just a few weeks? It's selfish.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> He can split anytime he wants, or he can file and start proceedings. And stop funding her.


I believe she still works so how is he funding her?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I believe she still works so how is he funding her?


Housing, utilities, gas, food, insurance, cell phone plan if shared, anything and everything.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Maybe she does maybe she doesn't but her wedding is a very important time so wh ruin it for her for the sake of just a few weeks? It's selfish.


Not really. His daughter knows, others know, so no reason to extend his suffering.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

On one hand, as the father of a daughter, I wouldn't want to ruin her wedding. At the same time I wouldn't want to be doing my STBXW that has planned on leaving me a very long time any favors. I think you should tell your children what is coming, even if you don't make the official move yet to divorce. You are better off doing it sooner than later. That allows some time between telling your daughter and her wedding, so you aren't popping it too he right before she is getting married. I would make it clear who is ending the marriage.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

If it were me, I would have the papers drawn up and then, after the wedding ceremony and reception, after the rice throwing and the happy couple are in the car and driving away, I would have the wife served in front of everybody. But hey, that's just me.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diceplayer said:


> If it were me, I would have the papers drawn up and then, after the wedding ceremony and reception, after the rice throwing and the happy couple are in the car and driving away, I would have the wife served in front of everybody. But hey, that's just me.


After the way the W approached this, I wouldn't be against that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Diceplayer said:


> If it were me, I would have the papers drawn up and then, after the wedding ceremony and reception, after the rice throwing and the happy couple are in the car and driving away, I would have the wife served in front of everybody. But hey, that's just me.


That too will tarnish the memory of the wedding for everyone.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Not really. His daughter knows, others know, so no reason to extend his suffering.


To be fair you can't possibly know who knows. People are good at hiding things.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Housing, utilities, gas, food, insurance, cell phone plan if shared, anything and everything.


She works as well. I am sure they both pay bills.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There is never going to a perfect time and never going to be a bad time to take action - there is 24 hrs in each day and there will always be something else going on.

It’s all irrelevant in the end because what will be,will be whether there are weddings or honeymoons or utility bills or grandchildren or sick dog or whatever.

The best time for him to take action to preserve his best interests are whenever will benefit him most.

Life is going to go on either way whether he does it this morning or tomorrow or next week or next month. 

Dissolving a 40 year marriage will take many months if not a year or more before they are each living their own separate lives. 

I think people are overplaying the impact on the wedding and the daughter. I assume it’s not like the OP and his wife are going to ask her and her fiancée to put the wedding plans on hold so they can load the moving truck and pack up the family china. 

Will it be sad news for her? Yeah probably. But it’s not like their personal matters will actually impact any of the wedding plans as long as the OP and his wife are adults about it and manage their own affairs and don’t make the daughter do all the legal work and all the packing and loading. 

At the end of the day, the OP needs to determine what will be in HIS best interests and take action accordingly whether it’s before the wedding or after. 

The wedding is irrelevant and a red herring. 

What is relevant is whether the OP has initiative and is proactive in protecting his own best interests or whether he will remain passive and ineffective and allow her to railroad him and run all over him at her convenience and at times that work best for her.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

Weddings are a special bonding times for mothers and daughters. Makes you wonder what kind of sympathetic picture your wife is painting of herself as you gives your daughter “pre-marriage advice”…

…just sayin….


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> To be fair you can't possibly know who knows. People are good at hiding things.


Honestly, as the W was announcing to her friends behind Hs back, and who knows who spread it around.

H states he only heard it by overhearing it as W was telling her friends 9 months earlier.

After that level of betrayal and amount of time since it's guaranteed daughter knew.

After that level of betrayal by a trusted spouse, anything goes. Imagine yourself in his place.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> That too will tarnish the memory of the wedding for everyone.





oldshirt said:


> At the end of the day, the OP needs to determine what will be in HIS best interests and take action accordingly whether it’s before the wedding or after.
> 
> The wedding is irrelevant and a red herring.


^^^THIS^^^. People spend too much time and energy worrying about what everyone else will think. Who cares what people think? Other people care a lot less about your stuff than you think they do. They are too busy taking care of their own disfunctions. Do what's best for you and your own wellbeing.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> That too will tarnish the memory of the wedding for everyone.


Thanks to the W. Way to go dishonest woman!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diceplayer said:


> ^^^THIS^^^. People spend too much time and energy worrying about what everyone else will think. Who cares what people think? Other people care a lot less about your stuff than you think they do. They are too busy taking care of their own disfunctions. Do what's best for you and your own wellbeing.


Yes. 

Every single person at that wedding have their own problems and dramas. No one gives a rat’s azz what’s going on in the OP’s marriage. 

And no one cares what’s going on behind the scenes in the House Of OP. 

I’m not sure what some of you are envisioning in your heads. Are you thinking the OP is going to stop the ceremony in the middle of the vows to stand up and announce their divorce??? 

As long as the OP and his wife are adults and are courteous and polite at the wedding and don’t publicly air their dirty laundry in public and don’t make a scene, it will be a nonissue. 

Things are only an issue if you make it an issue.

If they mind their own business and smile and are gracious at the wedding and are mature adults about it, it simply won’t matter.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Honestly, as the W was announcing to her friends behind Hs back, and who knows who spread it around.
> 
> H states he only heard it by overhearing it as W was telling her friends 9 months earlier.
> 
> ...


If I was in his place I would wait a mere few weeks till the wedding is over. It wouldn't occur to me to risk upsetting my child just before their wedding. 
No way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Thanks to the W. Way to go dishonest woman!


It's not the daughter's fault so why hurt her?
He can still do the 
right thing and wait. It's not as if it's a year away, it's just a few weeks.
It's a time to put his daughter first.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

S


Diceplayer said:


> ^^^THIS^^^. People spend too much time and energy worrying about what everyone else will think. Who cares what people think? Other people care a lot less about your stuff than you think they do. They are too busy taking care of their own disfunctions. Do what's best for you and your own wellbeing.


So no one else matters not even your own child? Wow😲


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> It's not the daughter's fault so why hurt her?
> He can still do the
> right thing and wait. It's not as if it's a year away, it's just a few weeks.
> It's a time to put his daughter first.


The right thing is to expose traitors for what they are, not hide their actions because the timing is "off". Her daughter should remember well what her mother is putting her father through and who is breaking up a family for selfish reasons.

Hint, it's not OP.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> If I was in his place I would wait a mere few weeks till the wedding is over. It wouldn't occur to me to risk upsetting my child just before their wedding.
> No way.


And I can dig that too. It's up to the individual.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> If I was in his place I would wait a mere few weeks till the wedding is over. _It wouldn't occur to me to risk upsetting my child just before their wedding.
> No way._


Good call.

This would be putting your child's interests before your own.

What's a few more months, in the big scheme of things.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> It's not the daughter's fault so why hurt her?
> He can still do the
> right thing and wait. It's not as if it's a year away, it's just a few weeks.
> It's a time to put his daughter first.


It’s a good bet that putting the daughter/children first and him defering everything to the wife and children that lead to the break down in the marriage in the first place.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And just to clarify my opinion, I am not saying he should do it before or after the wedding. 

I’m saying he should do whatever is best for HIM and his best interests regardless of what his STBX wants and regardless of the wedding. 

The wedding is just background noise. 

As long as people are mature adults about it and mind their own business and don’t make an issue of it, it will not impact the wedding or be an issue.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> My advice is to continue with her if possible the marriage counseling sessions. The three things I would ask the marriage counselor to focus on would be (1) Figure out where your relationship broke down and what if anything it would take to repair it. (2) What each of you feel you each want in a relationship in 10 years, 15 years, 20 years. (3) What you can agree to tell your children and friends that will be truthful and honest and can you part friends so it will not be impossible to attend family events and holidays with your children. Seriously try to save your marriage and if you can't learn from your mistakes so you don't repeat them in your next relationship.
> 
> I would also suggest MW Davis book Divorce Busting on some ideas on how to change the dynamic in your relationship that might keep the two of you from divorcing.
> 
> Good Luck


Thanks for the reply/advice. 
(1)Been trying to figure out what went wrong for a long time but in my mind it's too late to repair the relationship.
(2)Neither of us have ever really been single ever in our lives. We got married so young at 20. Hard to even imagine life separately.
(3)My number 1 priority right now is to tell the family the truth. If she refuses to do that, that means I'm going to tell them on my own.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> Why do you think she is not cheating? In one post you imply that she is and has someone else that she might end up living with in addition to the secretive texts etc. In the other post you say that you doubt that she is having an affair. Which is it? This is pretty important in how you handle this.


From what I gather from bits and pieces of information, the calls and texts are to a female coworker. Now that could be an affair. Or the coworker is coaching her to divorce. I belive she is a man-hater after a bad breakup.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

rcguy said:


> Thanks for the reply/advice.
> (1)Been trying to figure out what went wrong for a long time but in my mind it's too late to repair the relationship.
> (2)Neither of us have ever really been single ever in our lives. We got married so young at 20. Hard to even imagine life separately.
> (3)My number 1 priority right now is to tell the family the truth. If she refuses to do that, that means I'm going to tell them on my own.


Count on she won't tell the truth. Somehow it will be all your fault, along with global warming.

She's been telling folks for 9 months or so. Who do you think she's painting as the cause of the breakup? 
You should get the truth out to those who will be impacted at the very least.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

rcguy said:


> From what I gather from bits and pieces of information, the calls and texts are to a female coworker. Now that could be an affair. Or the coworker is coaching her to divorce. I belive she is a man-hater after a bad breakup.


It wouldn't be the first time a toxic friend brought about the end of a marriage.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

RCguy, in Canada don't you have to be separated for a year for a divorce to occur?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> It’s a good bet that putting the daughter/children first and him defering everything to the wife and children that lead to the break down in the marriage in the first place.


I doubt it. 
There are times when it's right to put others first and this is one of them. As a parent we sometimes have to be unselfish.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rcguy said:


> From what I gather from bits and pieces of information, the calls and texts are to a female coworker. Now that could be an affair. Or the coworker is coaching her to divorce. I belive she is a man-hater after a bad breakup.


It may be this same friend who she will stay with when the house gets sold.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> It's not the daughter's fault so why hurt her?
> He can still do the
> right thing and wait. It's not as if it's a year away, it's just a few weeks.
> It's a time to put his daughter first.


I agree that this information can wait until after the wedding. What confuses me is that the couples counselor suggested that we tell the kids ASAP. And tell them together. That worries me because if she starts lying or attacking me in front of them, a fight is going to start. Then our family are going to pick sides and things will get super messy. Do I make sense? 

The wedding is in 3 months so that gives me time to prepare behind the scenes for a quick move after. Thinking more financial moves and making a separation agreement. The law here requires a separation for one year before filing for divorce but before moving out of the house I want her to sign a legal agreement.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

rcguy said:


> (3)My number 1 priority right now is to tell the family the truth. If she refuses to do that, that means I'm going to tell them on my own.


You’re still not effectively addressing your passivity and inaction. 

Why are you only going to do that if she refuses?? 

You need to change your whole way of thinking. You are leaving everything up to her. 

Start acting in your own best interests and taking initiative for your benefit and not wait to see what she does or does not do. 

Otherwise you’re just going to get stomped on and come up the loser at every step.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

rcguy said:


> I agree that this information can wait until after the wedding. What confuses me is that the couples counselor suggested that we tell the kids ASAP. And tell them together. That worries me because if she starts lying or attacking me in front of them, a fight is going to start. Then our family are going to pick sides and things will get super messy. Do I make sense?
> 
> The wedding is in 3 months so that gives me time to prepare behind the scenes for a quick move after. Thinking more financial moves and making a separation agreement. The law here requires a separation for one year before filing for divorce but before moving out of the house I want her to sign a legal agreement.


3 months out, I would tell them NOW. Don't waste any more time. Any shock and disappointment will subside in that much time to allow for the wedding to go okay.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> You’re still not effectively addressing your passivity and inaction.
> 
> Why are you only going to do that if she refuses??
> 
> ...


If you could only make OP see this.

OP what folks are sharing about protecting your own interests are spot on. 

Why do you not act?


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> You’re still not effectively addressing your passivity and inaction.
> 
> Why are you only going to do that if she refuses??
> 
> ...


To answer your question, I'm walking a fine line here with regards to keeping her away from a lawyer.

To explain, my STBX is not asking for alimony or half my pension just half of the money from the sale of our house. 

If I push too hard or look to eager to get this done she is going to lawyer-up. That could cost me a lot. I want to re-retire in a couple years, or sooner, and have a descent place to live. 
Getting to old to pay off big mortgages.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

rcguy said:


> I agree that this information can wait until after the wedding. What confuses me is that the couples counselor suggested that we tell the kids ASAP. And tell them together. That worries me because if she starts lying or attacking me in front of them, a fight is going to start. Then our family are going to pick sides and things will get super messy. Do I make sense?
> 
> The wedding is in 3 months so that gives me time to prepare behind the scenes for a quick move after. Thinking more financial moves and making a separation agreement. The law here requires a separation for one year before filing for divorce but before moving out of the house I want her to sign a legal agreement.


Dude, stop, stop being a Simp. Stop you passive behavior. Do what's in your best interest and forget about the well being of all others.

It just amazes me to see how ridiculously beta and submissive a lot of men are these days. Is like they were given estrogen shots since birth, while the women are getting more and more like testosterone laden bulls when it comes to divorce. These days, normally when the woman wants a divorce she's so far ahead of the poor Simp of a husband that when he tries to react he has already been roasted. When the dude tries to tell his side of the story he already has been tried and convicted in the court of public opinion.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

rcguy said:


> To answer your question, I'm walking a fine line here with regards to keeping her away from a lawyer.
> 
> To explain, my STBX is not asking for alimony or half my pension just half of the money from the sale of our house.
> 
> ...


Just get the papers drawn up and get her signature before she wakes up and realizes what she can get. It's not too eager, it's just sealing the inevitable in your favor.

I have to say, I've never heard of a wife who is not having an affair offering such good terms, it's unheard of. I'd do some snooping were I you.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If you could only make OP see this.
> 
> OP what folks are sharing about protecting your own interests are spot on.
> 
> Why do you not act?


Not sure if we are able to talk about finances on this thread?
I don't have the money to buy her out of the house assets, so that means a mortgage weather or not I keep the house. 
But if she goes to a lawyer she can go after alimony, pension, and retirement investments. So far she hasn't asked for anything other than half of the house value. 
So you see that I do want to protect myself, at least money wise.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I have to say, I've never heard of a wife who is not having an affair offering such good terms, it's unheard of. I'd do some snooping were I you.


I agree. 
She could be texting more than one person, but giving you the impression it's her work friend.
I understand that you are walking a fine line, but you can still get an attorney and have paperwork drawn up. That can take some time. If you do it now, you'll be ready when the time comes. She doesn't need to know this. Be wise, but quiet about it.
Definitely wait until after the wedding. I think it's okay to tell the kids now, so they can get used to it and won't associate the divorce and the wedding. Once the wedding is over, maybe even the Monday after, you can file. You are in counseling, you should be able to come to an agreement with your stbx on this during counseling. If your daughter is already aware of the divorce, it probably won't be as big of a deal for her as it would be if she didn't know beforehand. I think the sooner you tell her the better. Don't wait until just before or just after the wedding.
Are you planning to do this without an attorney?


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Just get the papers drawn up and get her signature before she wakes up and realizes what she can get. It's not too eager, it's just sealing the inevitable in your favor.
> 
> I have to say, I've never heard of a wife who is not having an affair offering such good terms, it's unheard of. I'd do some snooping were I you.





Cynthia said:


> I agree.
> She could be texting more than one person, but giving you the impression it's her work friend.
> I understand that you are walking a fine line, but you can still get an attorney and have paperwork drawn up. That can take some time. If you do it now, you'll be ready when the time comes. She doesn't need to know this. Be wise, but quiet about it.
> Definitely wait until after the wedding. I think it's okay to tell the kids now, so they can get used to it and won't associate the divorce and the wedding. Once the wedding is over, maybe even the Monday after, you can file. You are in counseling, you should be able to come to an agreement with your stbx on this during counseling. If your daughter is already aware of the divorce, it probably won't be as big of a deal for her as it would be if she didn't know beforehand. I think the sooner you tell her the better. Don't wait until just before or just after the wedding.
> Are you planning to do this without an attorney?


Thanks for the reply, good advice. 
I'm working on getting appointments set up for the separation agreement. But she has the right to refuse to sign and It's then up to me to prove in court that the agreement is fair. 
Or the preferred way to settle is with mediation. Much cheaper and faster. and no lawyers. 
If we agree to a settlement through mediation, the house sale and separation of assets can happen after the wedding. 
The thing is my SPBX has to be onboard with the mediation.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

rcguy said:


> Not sure if we are able to talk about finances on this thread?
> I don't have the money to buy her out of the house assets, so that means a mortgage weather or not I keep the house.
> But if she goes to a lawyer she can go after alimony, pension, and retirement investments. So far she hasn't asked for anything other than half of the house value.
> So you see that I do want to protect myself, at least money wise.


You’re not getting it.

You don’t protect yourself by appeasing her and tiptoeing around her so you don’t upset her. That kind of mentality is what got you into this position in the first place.

You protect yourself by lawyering up yourself and doing what the lawyer says.

She will get a lawyer and go after whatever she wants whether you try to appease her or not. 

You cannot “nice” her into being agreeable and pleasant and letting you have what you want like a good little boy. 

You’ve tried that for 40 years and you can see where that got you.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> You’re not getting it.
> 
> You don’t protect yourself by appeasing her and tiptoeing around her so you don’t upset her. That kind of mentality is what got you into this position in the first place.
> 
> ...


Good point. Got me a ruined future retirement. 
Do you know if mediation is a waste of time?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

rcguy said:


> She refused counseling up until a couple of weeks ago. But at the session we went to she was absolutely certain that she wants to end the marriage. Just not yet.


Too bad what SHE wants -- what do YOU want. I think you should tell your family/kids/etc. and make sure they understand that it is your wife who wants out and doesn't want to work on things. Don't let YOU be the bad guy here.
If YOU are done, I would just initiate the divorce instead of separation, since you know that is the way she wants to go...


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> I agree.
> She could be texting more than one person, but giving you the impression it's her work friend.
> I understand that you are walking a fine line, but you can still get an attorney and have paperwork drawn up. That can take some time. If you do it now, you'll be ready when the time comes. She doesn't need to know this. Be wise, but quiet about it.
> Definitely wait until after the wedding. I think it's okay to tell the kids now, so they can get used to it and won't associate the divorce and the wedding. Once the wedding is over, maybe even the Monday after, you can file. You are in counseling, you should be able to come to an agreement with your stbx on this during counseling. If your daughter is already aware of the divorce, it probably won't be as big of a deal for her as it would be if she didn't know beforehand. I think the sooner you tell her the better. Don't wait until just before or just after the wedding.
> Are you planning to do this without an attorney?


Forgot to mention that I told my oldest son today about what is going on. He needs to know so he can get prepared. He is living with us and looking for work. His graduation is next month.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

rcguy said:


> If I push too hard or look to eager to get this done she is going to lawyer-up. That could cost me a lot.


I want to address this line of thinking a little more.

The reason people are calling you weak and a simp and that you are being passive and not taking initiative, in this quote above you are trying to appease her so she doesn’t torment you more.

This is like the weak kid letting the school yard bully give him noogies and swirlies without protest in hopes that he won’t provoke him and have him give him Indian snake bites instead.

It’s like France letting the Nazis march unopposed into Paris for fear of upsetting Hitler and having him drop bombs instead. 

You never truly appease the bully or the tyrant. All you do is give them permission to torment and dominate you more. 

The way you deal with the bully is you call them out to meet you behind the schoolhouse after school and you duke it out with them in front of everyone and you get your licks on them and give them a black eye. 

Even if they end up stomping you, by fighting back, you show that if they mess with you, they pay a price and it will cost them.

Most don’t want to pay anything and they move on and leave you alone. 

Your attitude above is that of the pu$$y that tries to avoid upsetting the bully by appeasing them in hopes that the bully won’t do more to them.

But the irony is that by trying to appease them and not provoke them, what ends up happening is you give the bully PERMISSION to do to you whatever they want.

As I said above, your wife is going to get a lawyer and she will end up trying to take whatever she can anyway because you are unwittingly giving her carte Blanche to do so.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I believe she still works so how is he funding her?


He's also be liable for any big debts SHE runs up until he makes it a formal separation/divorce.
He already said she is awful at finance and spends. I would do this NOW so the crap she tries to run up due to the wedding is HER issue, not his.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If she doesn't have someone else, her retirement is also screwed up. This is another reason why I think there is someone else. It makes sense that she has someone waiting in the wings or perhaps this coworker is ready to share expenses with her. If she isn't going to be living alone, that would explain why she is willing to blow up her retirement years, because maybe she's not. Maybe she has a plan to mitigate expenses. If it's with another man, that is easy to understand, but it could also be with the bitter divorcee who needs someone to share expenses in order to be comfortable.
When my parents divorced, my mother always had at least one of us kids living with her. Eventually, my family moved in with my mother. We lived together for 25 years. It made her life much easier, as well as ours. People find ways to make it work. That may be what your wife is doing, whether it's with another man or a plutonic friend, you won't know until she makes the move.
She could also have an attorney and be lying to you about what she wants, then she'll hit you with all she's got. I think it would be wise for you to see one or two attorneys and talk to them about what going on. Get their perspectives.
You also said that you have been reading up on divorce in your province, do you understand what your rights are and what is likely to happen?
I'm glad you told your son. How is he taking it? You know he's going to talk to his sister, maybe already has. It's time to tell her too.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> Too bad what SHE wants -- what do YOU want. I think you should tell your family/kids/etc. and make sure they understand that it is your wife who wants out and doesn't want to work on things. Don't let YOU be the bad guy here.
> If YOU are done, I would just initiate the divorce instead of separation, since you know that is the way she wants to go...





oldshirt said:


> I want to address this line of thinking a little more.
> 
> The reason people are calling you weak and a simp and that you are being passive and not taking initiative, in this quote above you are trying to appease her so she doesn’t torment you more.
> 
> ...


I wish I could trade my two sisters in for a brother like you. This is what someone needed to say to me years ago. 
By the way you're showing your age with the Indian snake bites comment. 😂


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> If she doesn't have someone else, her retirement is also screwed up. This is another reason why I think there is someone else. It makes sense that she has someone waiting in the wings or perhaps this coworker is ready to share expenses with her. If she isn't going to be living alone, that would explain why she is willing to blow up her retirement years, because maybe she's not. Maybe she has a plan to mitigate expenses. If it's with another man, that is easy to understand, but it could also be with the bitter divorcee who needs someone to share expenses in order to be comfortable.
> When my parents divorced, my mother always had at least one of us kids living with her. Eventually, my family moved in with my mother. We lived together for 25 years. It made her life much easier, as well as ours. People find ways to make it work. That may be what your wife is doing, whether it's with another man or a plutonic friend, you won't know until she makes the move.
> She could also have an attorney and be lying to you about what she wants, then she'll hit you with all she's got. I think it would be wise for you to see one or two attorneys and talk to them about what going on. Get their perspectives.
> You also said that you have been reading up on divorce in your province, do you understand what your rights are and what is likely to happen?
> I'm glad you told your son. How is he taking it? You know he's going to talk to his sister, maybe already has. It's time to tell her too.


Wow, you do see the whole picture. Such good advice. Thanks.

The reason I posted here is mostly to get myself prepared for the hard decisions coming up. 

I don't care what she does after we split up. I don't want any contact with her at all either. Not interested in "being friends" as she says.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

rcguy said:


> Good point. Got me a ruined future retirement.
> Do you know if mediation is a waste of time?


I didn’t do mediation (U.S.) but I know someone who did. It seemed to be going very well until it was time to sign the agreement and then he refused so all the time, energy and money spent on mediation was wasted. However, for people who can agree I think mediation is the way to go.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

rcguy said:


> To answer your question, I'm walking a fine line here with regards to keeping her away from a lawyer.
> 
> To explain, my STBX is not asking for alimony or half my pension just half of the money from the sale of our house.
> 
> ...


One of the things I would suggest is to seriously (with the help of the marriage counselor) come up with what the two of you will honestly tell your children and family, as you will both be asked and if you have different explanations that will be known quickly.

My advice is that a friendly settlement as you are outlining will be best for the both of you, but if the two of you ever want to be invited to your children's holidays or say your son's wedding, then you should have a common story so everything can be civil. 

Good luck. It sounds like you are handling it well.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Best money I ever spent was on a very expensive lawyer when I got divorced. He saved me a house full of money in the long run.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rcguy said:


> I agree that this information can wait until after the wedding. What confuses me is that the couples counselor suggested that we tell the kids ASAP. And tell them together. That worries me because if she starts lying or attacking me in front of them, a fight is going to start. Then our family are going to pick sides and things will get super messy. Do I make sense?
> 
> The wedding is in 3 months so that gives me time to prepare behind the scenes for a quick move after. Thinking more financial moves and making a separation agreement. The law here requires a separation for one year before filing for divorce but before moving out of the house I want her to sign a legal agreement.


Hopefully being that she has said she is waiting till after the wedding she will want to keep things on an even keel till then.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude, stop, stop being a Simp. Stop you passive behavior. Do what's in your best interest and forget about the well being of all others.
> 
> It just amazes me to see how ridiculously beta and submissive a lot of men are these days. Is like they were given estrogen shots since birth, while the women are getting more and more like testosterone laden bulls when it comes to divorce. These days, normally when the woman wants a divorce she's so far ahead of the poor Simp of a husband that when he tries to react he has already been roasted. When the dude tries to tell his side of the story he already has been tried and convicted in the court of public opinion.


So you are telling him to stop thinking about the well being of his own child? That isn't being beta, that's being a good dad.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rcguy said:


> Not sure if we are able to talk about finances on this thread?
> I don't have the money to buy her out of the house assets, so that means a mortgage weather or not I keep the house.
> But if she goes to a lawyer she can go after alimony, pension, and retirement investments. So far she hasn't asked for anything other than half of the house value.
> So you see that I do want to protect myself, at least money wise.


Is the house worth much? If it is then can't you both each buy a smaller place?
That's what most couples seem to do. Sell a larger place and each get somewhere smaller. Maybe an appt.

Having said that, 61 is very young to retire anyway. In the UK most pensions aren't paid out till 65 or 66, and few can retire till then. 
Would they even give you a mortgage now?


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Is the house worth much? If it is then can't you both each buy a smaller place?
> That's what most couples seem to do. Sell a larger place and each get somewhere smaller. Maybe an appt.


We already downsized to a smaller home a few years ago. Because of my wife's credit card abuse, we have a small mortgage on it now. The money we got from downsizing was spent on renovations and her credit card debt.
With the price of homes now there is nothing affordable in the city. I would need to move about an hour away and commute to work. Not sure if that is a good, or practical option.
Even a condo or flat is expensive in town.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rcguy said:


> We already downsized to a smaller home a few years ago. Because of my wife's credit card abuse, we have a small mortgage on it now. The money we got from downsizing was spent on renovations and her credit card debt.
> With the price of homes now there is nothing affordable in the city. I would need to move about an hour away and commute to work. Not sure if that is a good, or practical option.
> Even a condo or flat is expensive in town.


Yes best to move out a bit if you can. When I divorced, my ex got his good pension and I got our small home. They were valued at the same amount and I had the three teens with me full time so couldn't do the half the house and half the pension thing. Once my oldest left home and I started divorce proceedings, I couldn't afford to stay there and had to free up some money for the solicitors fees so had to buy an even smaller place. Not easy I know.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

rcguy said:


> She refused counseling up until a couple of weeks ago. But at the session we went to she was absolutely certain that she wants to end the marriage. Just not yet.


Have you had a history of not putting this delusional, entitled loser in her place?

Nuke her ridiculous expectations and take up your life.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

An advantage to telling both the kids now is that you can move forward without worrying about the kids.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Have you had a history of not putting this delusional, entitled loser in her place?
> 
> Nuke her ridiculous expectations and take up your life.


I always believed that you should give your wife 100% support, no matter what. 
That said, yes I have been too easy going at times but I don't think I'm a perfect husband either. 
However that needs to change now. She is my STBX and needs to be treated like a former business partner that stole from the company.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> An advantage to telling both the kids now is that you can move forward without worrying about the kids.


I never thought of it that way.
Kind of a relief that I told my oldest son today. Was afraid I might get too emotional but It wasn't so difficult.
My daughter is much more sensitive like her father. This will hurt her a lot. 
The middle son is a very deep thinker. Very grounded. I'm thinking that he will help the other sibling work through it. 
But, of course I could be 100% wrong. 
Thanks for the reply.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

rcguy said:


> She refused counseling up until a couple of weeks ago. But at the session we went to she was absolutely certain that she wants to end the marriage. Just not yet.


so you know it’s going to end - but she wants to control the narrative/timing?

No way. File for divorce. There’s no reason to stay one more minute to someone who doesn’t want to be with you. She is using you at this point.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

rcguy said:


> Wow, you do see the whole picture. Such good advice. Thanks.
> 
> The reason I posted here is mostly to get myself prepared for the hard decisions coming up.
> 
> I don't care what she does after we split up. I don't want any contact with her at all either. Not interested in "being friends" as she says.


It isn't as if you have a choice in the matters to come.

The most important thing in life is your health, and the health and happiness of your family, your soon to be ex wife not included.

I suspect your wife will be in for a surprise if she ends up dumping her family for this (likely) other man. The odds are not in her favor for it to work out, long term.

It is not your problem, however.

You will come out of this with fewer baubles and a few missing tail feathers.
You will be fine, irregardless.

Keep your head high.

If she ends up with a new boyfriend, she will be soon disparaged by others.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Beach123 said:


> so you know it’s going to end - but she wants to control the narrative/timing?
> 
> No way. File for divorce. There’s no reason to stay one more minute to someone who doesn’t want to be with you. She is using you at this point.


She is thinking of her child, as we all should.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> She is thinking of her child, as we all should.


Or she already has a lawyer and she's biding for time to get all her legal and financial ducks in row in order to bleed OP as dry as she can, while he is here worrying about everyone's feelings.

Brains, not heart determines the outcome of a divorce. Divorce is not a game to pause because of feelzies, it's a war and the one willing to fight the hardest wins.

Mediation and amicable resolution is actually a genuinely rare gem.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Or she already has a lawyer and she's biding for time to get all her legal and financial ducks in row in order to bleed OP as dry as she can, while he is here worrying about everyone's feelings.
> 
> Brains, not heart determines the outcome of a divorce. Divorce is not a game to pause because of feelzies, it's a war and the one willing to fight the hardest wins.
> 
> Mediation and amicable resolution is actually a genuinely rare gem.


Pretty much this.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> She is thinking of her child, as we all should.


Just found out at couples counseling today that my STBX has already told our daughter that we are splitting up. 
That tells me this delay because of the wedding was for other reasons. Not to prevent a "distraction".
Also she has contacted a lawyer already too.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> It isn't as if you have a choice in the matters to come.
> 
> The most important thing in life is your health, and the health and happiness of your family, your soon to be ex wife not included.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the kind words of encouragement.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

rcguy said:


> Just found out at couples counseling today that my STBX has already told our daughter that we are splitting up.
> That tells me this delay because of the wedding was for other reasons. Not to prevent a "distraction".
> Also she has contacted a lawyer already too.


So stop playing by her rules and file for divorce ASAP.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

rcguy said:


> Just found out at couples counseling today that my STBX has already told our daughter that we are splitting up.
> That tells me this delay because of the wedding was for other reasons. Not to prevent a "distraction".
> Also she has contacted a lawyer already too.


She's manipulating the entire situation to catch you off guard and to get what she wants. I'm surprised she told you about the attorney. Time to prepare for a war you don't want. It's important to remember that she no longer cares about you, and that she is already attacking through lies, deceit, and manipulation. I'm sorry for your situation. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

rcguy said:


> Just found out at couples counseling today that my STBX has already told our daughter that we are splitting up.
> That tells me this delay because of the wedding was for other reasons. Not to prevent a "distraction".
> Also she has contacted a lawyer already too.


Your wife is a manipulative snake. I hope you can finally see that.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

For those slamming OP about being inconsiderate because of upcoming wedding, here's your sign. For those that forecast this good job.

OP, hang in there. You can weather this. Once you get closer to the other side things will get better.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rcguy said:


> Just found out at couples counseling today that my STBX has already told our daughter that we are splitting up.
> That tells me this delay because of the wedding was for other reasons. Not to prevent a "distraction".
> Also she has contacted a lawyer already too.


Fair enough so you dont have to worry unless your child has asked her mum to leave it till after the wedding?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> For those slamming OP about being inconsiderate because of upcoming wedding, here's your sign. For those that forecast this good job.
> 
> OP, hang in there. You can weather this. Once you get closer to the other side things will get better.


No one was slamming him, we just thought it was the best thing to do for the child. Its what some would do.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> For those slamming OP about being inconsiderate because of upcoming wedding, here's your sign.


Count me with the ones that advised him to wait till the wedding.
To make this a bit more clear, my advise was never about being considerated with his soon to become Ex.
It was all focused in his fatherly care for his daughter in a very significative time of her life.
In THOSE terms I still stand for what I´ve said.
What is IMO the lesson from the update?
That her mother finds less important her daughter´s wedding than her own timming.
Not sure why I´m not surprised.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ElOtro said:


> Count me with the ones that advised him to wait till the wedding.
> To make this a bit more clear, my advise was never about being considerated with his soon to become Ex.
> It was all focused in his fatherly care for his daughter in a very significative time of her life.
> In THOSE terms I still stand for what I´ve said.
> ...


The daughter already knew. What's different. Really.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Your wife is setting you up to take everything.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The daughter already knew. What's different. Really.


To a certain point, you are right.
Even so my own and other´s advice was given when not knowing that. Same as the opposite advice. 
Moreover HE, our OP, did not.
And that is really different.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

I have a feeling there is third party involvement in her decision. The question is, is it a coach or a love interest?


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Yes best to move out a bit if you can. When I divorced, my ex got his good pension and I got our small home. They were valued at the same amount and I had the three teens with me full time so couldn't do the half the house and half the pension thing. Once my oldest left home and I started divorce proceedings, I couldn't afford to stay there and had to free up some money for the solicitors fees so had to buy an even smaller place. Not easy I know.


I'm trying to do something similar. My wife keeps the house and I keep my pension and the retirement savings. I think that would be about equal value, only problem is the small mortgage on the house and my wife thinks she can't afford the bills. Got so used to me paying for everything.
Next week I go to a lawyer to see if I can make this happen ASAP. The longer this drags on, the more friction there will be between us. 
If I can manage to buy a tiny condo in town then work 2 or 3 years. Pay down the mortgage then retire sell and move away. Far away.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

rcguy said:


> Just found out at couples counseling today that my STBX has already told our daughter that we are splitting up.
> That tells me this delay because of the wedding was for *other* *reasons*. Not to prevent a "distraction".
> Also she has contacted a lawyer already too.


 Establishing a narrative for starters! Weddings brings mothers and brides closer together (not always)…. This time is often full of a lot of advice and raw emotion, making it much easier to manipulate…. 

…”don’t make the same mistake(s) I did…”
”I tried my best to hide it from you kids all these years…”

Hs the way your daughter looks at you lately seemed off or changed?


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

seadoug105 said:


> Establishing a narrative for starters! Weddings brings mothers and brides closer together (not always)…. This time is often full of a lot of advice and raw emotion, making it much easier to manipulate….
> 
> …”don’t make the same mistake(s) I did…”
> ”I tried my best to hide it from you kids all these years…”
> ...


Good question. I haven't heard a word from my daughter. That means a lot because she should be asking me questions.


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

rcguy said:


> Good question. I haven't heard a word from my daughter. That means a lot because she should be asking me questions.


People don’t ask questions about things they already “know”…. She is likely getting her information from other sources and is taking it as gospel.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

rcguy said:


> Good question. I haven't heard a word from my daughter. That means a lot because she should be asking me questions.


She's already been given your wife's story, which I sure places ALL of the blame on you. Which is why sitting on this is a foolish move. While you are sitting back doing nothing, your wife has been busy spreading her narrative making you out to been an even bigger fool.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

It sounds like your wife is like 5 moves ahead of you. You are always going to be reacting to her actions, trying to explain yourself based on your wife's narrative. Stop it!


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> It sounds like your wife is like 5 moves ahead of you. You are always going to be reacting to her actions, trying to explain yourself based on your wife's narrative. Stop it!


Had a conversation with my daughter this morning. We both got emotional, no surprise. At least now she has my side of the story.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She's already been given your wife's story, which I sure places ALL of the blame on you. Which is why sitting on this is a foolish move. While you are sitting back doing nothing, your wife has been busy spreading her narrative making you out to been an even bigger fool.


I don't believe she would take my wife's word as "gospel". My STBX is a drama queen that tends to exaggerate.
My daughter is well aware of it. In the end family is family.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

rcguy said:


> I don't believe she would take my wife's word as "gospel". My STBX is a drama queen that tends to exaggerate.
> My daughter is well aware of it. In the end family is family.


All I can say is that were I you I'd get the best meanest shark of a lawyer NOW and get my ducks in a row without delay.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dictum Veritas said:


> All I can say is that were I you I'd get the best meanest shark of a lawyer NOW and get my ducks in a row without delay.


You would think so, but I have serious doubts that that's what he'll do. He will be taken to the cleaners says my crystal ball. He thinks that he just can sit with the soon to be ex wife and all will be divided equally, and all will be honky dory. It seems that domestication made him forget that in a divorce, the woman (with some exceptions) is always quite a few steps ahead of the poor sucker of a dude. And they invariably get as nasty and vicious as it can be, while the sucker dude can't seem to fend from left, right, behind, or front.

If I were him, I would sort of hope for the best, while completely prepared for the worse.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

rcguy said:


> She refused counseling up until a couple of weeks ago. But at the session we went to she was absolutely certain that she wants to end the marriage. Just not yet.


She's playing games bro. Sorry to say. I know it's hard after so long, but if you have the financial resources, I would suggest getting your financial house in order immediately, if you have not done so already, get a shark of a lawyer, then file for divorce. Maybe it's some sort of things she's going through or she really wants out, but if you are the one to pull the plug, it may wake her up out of her whatever is going on, or, she will happily agree and you got your answer. If she goes along right away, as much as it sucks, you can then start focusing on you and carry on with your life.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Annonymous Joe said:


> She's playing games bro. Sorry to say. I know it's hard after so long, but if you have the financial resources, I would suggest getting your financial house in order immediately, if you have not done so already, get a shark of a lawyer, then file for divorce. Maybe it's some sort of things she's going through or she really wants out, but if you are the one to pull the plug, it may wake her up out of her whatever is going on, or, she will happily agree and you got your answer. If she goes along right away, as much as it sucks, you can then start focusing on you and carry on with your life.


I agree that it's time to take charge and make her an offer separate. If she won't except the offer to buy her out of the house, then the house will have to be sold. No more stalling. 
Thinking that I will tell her this at the couples counselor session next week. Hopefully I'll get an honest answer one way or another.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

rcguy said:


> I agree that it's time to take charge and make her an offer separate. If she won't except the offer to buy her out of the house, then the house will have to be sold. No more stalling.
> Thinking that I will tell her this at the couples counselor session next week. Hopefully I'll get an honest answer one way or another.


You can use the counselor session if that makes you feel safer and better about it, but take it from me, won't make a lick of difference if you're in session or just chatting in a quiet setting at home. The result may be the same. Honestly, doing it without the counselor may give you some freedom and peace of mind that you "manned" up so to speak and did it on your own. I know it's a difficult thing to experience, but you just got to keep a level head.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Annonymous Joe said:


> You can use the counselor session if that makes you feel safer and better about it, but take it from me, won't make a lick of difference if you're in session or just chatting in a quiet setting at home. The result may be the same. Honestly, doing it without the counselor may give you some freedom and peace of mind that you "manned" up so to speak and did it on your own. I know it's a difficult thing to experience, but you just got to keep a level head.


I tried to have a quiet conversation at home. Turned into a bad, emotional confrontation. Definitely did not "keep a level head". After that she seems to understand that waiting for months or years to move this along is a bad idea. 
Still puzzles me that she wants to separate, but is waiting for me to make plans or moves to make this happen. 
Possibly it will make her feel less guilty this way?
Next thing I need is some financial advice, then straight to the lawyer to get a separation agreement started. Hoping to do both this week.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

rcguy said:


> I tried to have a quiet conversation at home. Turned into a bad, emotional confrontation. Definitely did not "keep a level head". After that she seems to understand that waiting for months or years to move this along is a bad idea.
> Still puzzles me that she wants to separate, but is waiting for me to make plans or moves to make this happen.
> Possibly it will make her feel less guilty this way?
> Next thing I need is some financial advice, then straight to the lawyer to get a separation agreement started. Hoping to do both this week.


Why did your wife get emotional about something she's been seeking for some time? In what way did you try to make you look like the bad guy? Did you learn anything?

For what it's worth, there are some people who don't show their true colors, who are able to hide the truth, as long as they don't lose their cool. Once tempers flare, the truth finally comes out. Wishing that weren't so doesn't matter; sometimes only in angry confrontations do you get to the bottom of things. It's a variant of something one of our counselors once said- the crazy stuff your spouse (or someone else) says when they're drunk? Don't write it off as them being drunk. That's often when the truth finally comes out.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

rcguy said:


> I tried to have a quiet conversation at home. Turned into a bad, emotional confrontation. Definitely did not "keep a level head". After that she seems to understand that waiting for months or years to move this along is a bad idea.
> Still puzzles me that she wants to separate, but is waiting for me to make plans or moves to make this happen.
> Possibly it will make her feel less guilty this way?
> Next thing I need is some financial advice, then straight to the lawyer to get a separation agreement started. Hoping to do both this week.


I feel you on this, and when the emotions flare, that's when you stop being heard. Think of Bruce Lee, be like water. Next time you go to have this conversation, take some time to breath slowly before you have the conversation, or even do something relaxing like getting a massage earlier in the day so you can be chill. 
As for as the separation, that could be for a multitude of reasons; could be financial (if she leans on things like your pension, retirement, SS, insurance, etc. - sorry if I forgot to scroll back to original story and you explained this already), could be that she is dealing with a lot of internal turmoil and she is flying off the handle but also logically doesn't want out, could be fear of lost security, could be that she is having an affair and this would potentially come up in divorce proceedings, or like you said, could be she wants you to file first so that you look like the bad guy, which is hilarious in of itself, but yeah, that could be her thinking at the moment. The thing you got to think to yourself right now is do what's best for you. Your children are adults so you are not preserving your family anymore. Focus on you, your goals, and what you want out of this entire situation. Honestly, even if you want this to work out, still focusing on yourself will actually help. It stings now to think about, but use that hurt to focus on personal goals. She will either come back and respect you, or she will want out and you have control of your life. Either way, you do you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

rcguy said:


> I tried to have a quiet conversation at home. Turned into a bad, emotional confrontation. Definitely did not "keep a level head". After that she seems to understand that waiting for months or years to move this along is a bad idea.
> Still puzzles me that she wants to separate, but is waiting for me to make plans or moves to make this happen.
> Possibly it will make her feel less guilty this way?
> Next thing I need is some financial advice, then straight to the lawyer to get a separation agreement started. Hoping to do both this week.


Why wait for her to have YOU make the decision. Just tell her, YOU want the separation/divorce -- YOU move out. Put the onus on her to "get this going". She wants YOU to do this so you look like the bad guy "HE wanted to divorce me..... HE is at fault for this". She wants to spin the narrative her way...


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Annonymous Joe said:


> I feel you on this, and when the emotions flare, that's when you stop being heard. Think of Bruce Lee, be like water. Next time you go to have this conversation, take some time to breath slowly before you have the conversation, or even do something relaxing like getting a massage earlier in the day so you can be chill.
> As for as the separation, that could be for a multitude of reasons; could be financial (if she leans on things like your pension, retirement, SS, insurance, etc. - sorry if I forgot to scroll back to original story and you explained this already), could be that she is dealing with a lot of internal turmoil and she is flying off the handle but also logically doesn't want out, could be fear of lost security, could be that she is having an affair and this would potentially come up in divorce proceedings, or like you said, could be she wants you to file first so that you look like the bad guy, which is hilarious in of itself, but yeah, that could be her thinking at the moment. The thing you got to think to yourself right now is do what's best for you. Your children are adults so you are not preserving your family anymore. Focus on you, your goals, and what you want out of this entire situation. Honestly, even if you want this to work out, still focusing on yourself will actually help. It stings now to think about, but use that hurt to focus on personal goals. She will either come back and respect you, or she will want out and you have control of your life. Either way, you do you.


Got to be honest here. Her complaints about me are 2 things, 1 I don't like to socialize and party as much anymore and 2 She doesn't want me to drink at all. I see that as a contradiction. But that's just me. 
In our latest conversation, my wife agreed to call her lawyer this week and get started with a separation agreement.
At least I'll know what the cost is going to be. 

Thanks for the reply. You are right, need to focus on myself. But can't stop thinking this is a dream.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

rcguy said:


> Got to be honest here. Her complaints about me are 2 things, 1 I don't like to socialize and party as much anymore and 2 She doesn't want me to drink at all. I see that as a contradiction. But that's just me.
> In our latest conversation, my wife agreed to call her lawyer this week and get started with a separation agreement.
> At least I'll know what the cost is going to be.
> 
> Thanks for the reply. You are right, need to focus on myself. But can't stop thinking this is a dream.


He who files has the upper hand if not always legally then at the very least psychologically.

Stand up for yourself, beat her to the punch. Divorce never ends well for the passive man.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

rcguy said:


> Not sure if we are able to talk about finances on this thread?
> I don't have the money to buy her out of the house assets, so that means a mortgage weather or not I keep the house.
> But if she goes to a lawyer she can go after alimony, pension, and retirement investments. So far she hasn't asked for anything other than half of the house value.
> So you see that I do want to protect myself, at least money wise.


Got to be honest. There’s no way you could get that deal, I don’t think. The damn judge would likely not go along with it, but if you’re truly sure she would, go ahead. I still think she’d come after you after the original divorce and likely win, but it would be a little harder.
Be careful. Smell of rats present.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Abhale gave you good advice. Please listen to it. Your wife is no doubt going to rape you financially. You won’t even know her when you see what her lawyer dies to you with her approval. I’m very sorry. You need to treat your wife as your worst enemy. She now is.


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## Gfawkes (8 mo ago)

You need a mindset reset. Otherwise you'll get royally screwed by someone who's ready to rumble while you're trying to find your jockey shorts. Your golden years will just be years sans gold. 

At a minimum, and something that's really easy; YouTube "divorce settlement." 

Watch. Comprehend. Act.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

rcguy said:


> Got to be honest here. Her complaints about me are 2 things, 1 I don't like to socialize and party as much anymore and 2 She doesn't want me to drink at all. I see that as a contradiction. But that's just me.
> In our latest conversation, my wife agreed to call her lawyer this week and get started with a separation agreement.


It doesn't make sense, because it's not true. If something does add up, that's a clear indication that something is wrong.

I agree with others. It's important to protect yourself to have a fair settlement.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

rcguy said:


> Got to be honest here. Her complaints about me are 2 things, 1 I don't like to socialize and party as much anymore and 2 She doesn't want me to drink at all. I see that as a contradiction. But that's just me.
> In our latest conversation, my wife agreed to call her lawyer this week and get started with a separation agreement.
> At least I'll know what the cost is going to be.
> 
> Thanks for the reply. You are right, need to focus on myself. But can't stop thinking this is a dream.


Those are the reasons to obliterate a long marriage? Wow.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Those are the reasons to obliterate a long marriage? Wow.


I don't think so, I think that's just her lies to cover for the real dark secret of why she wants her freedom. My money is on another man as the real reason.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I don't think so, I think that's just her lies to cover for the real dark secret of why she wants her freedom. My money is on another man as the real reason.


Sadly, mine too.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Those are the reasons to obliterate a long marriage? Wow.


I made the mistake of threatening to divorce her last year when I found out about the $34K of credit card debt.
I said "if she didn't get help for a shopping addiction, we sell the house and split". I was thinking she would agree but, right after she says she wants to separate. Did I push her to that decision?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

rcguy said:


> I made the mistake of threatening to divorce her last year when I found out about the $34K of credit card debt.
> I said "if she didn't get help for a shopping addiction, we sell the house and split". I was thinking she would agree but, right after she says she wants to separate. Did I push her to that decision?


No, sounds like she was waiting for an excuse and you gave her one. It happens, sadly.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> No, sounds like she was waiting for an excuse and you gave her one. It happens, sadly.


You're right. Just wish she was honest with me and maybe we split up 5 or 10 years ago.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

rcguy said:


> You're right. Just wish she was honest with me and maybe we split up 5 or 10 years ago.


Unfortunately she didn't -- but make sure that YOU get a shark lawyer who will protect your assets. She will certainly try to get everything she can. DO NOT give in because you "feel bad for her" or "I love her", etc.. Start thinking strategically.
It really sucks that she is doing this to you -- don't let her do anything more.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

rcguy said:


> You're right. Just wish she was honest with me and maybe we split up 5 or 10 years ago.


We wish for many things, but now is not the time for wishes, now is the time to cover your finances and future.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Those are the reasons to obliterate a long marriage? Wow.


Those are not good reasons to end a good loving (in love) relationship.
Given my own (ended) experience long and good do not necessarily equate.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

rcguy said:


> You're right. Just wish she was honest with me and maybe we split up 5 or 10 years ago.


Honesty is not a straightforward thing, apparently.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

rcguy said:


> I made the mistake of threatening to divorce her last year when I found out about the $34K of credit card debt.
> I said "if she didn't get help for a shopping addiction, we sell the house and split". I was thinking she would agree but, right after she says she wants to separate. Did I push her to that decision?


We should never make ultimatums that we are unwilling to stand by. However, if many of us are correct, she is having an affair and that is the true issue here. You didn't push her to make a bad decision. She did that all by herself, affair or not.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

as part of the agreement of separation she should take the bulk of the credit card debt.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Try and act fairly and decently and with integrity in the divorce no matter what. Not all of us here think we should act in a greedy and grabbing way just out to fleece the spouse. The more you can agree between you, the less you will have to pay the lawyer. We managed to agree on the bulk of stuff in our divorce. It just takes a decision to act like mature adults. 
Also try and find a fair and decent lawyer if you can. I had a great solicitor, very fair and wise.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Try and act fairly and decently and with integrity in the divorce no matter what. Not all of here think we should act in a greedy and grabbing way out to fleece the spouse. The more you can agree between you, the less you will have to pay the lawyer. We managed to agree on the bulk of stuff.
> Also try and find a fair and decent lawyer if you can. I had a great solicitor, very fair and wise.


He’s not dealing with you, he’s dealing with her. He needs an attorney that can actually get him a fair deal


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Try and act fairly and decently and with integrity in the divorce no matter what. Not all of us here think we should act in a greedy and grabbing way just out to fleece the spouse. The more you can agree between you, the less you will have to pay the lawyer. We managed to agree on the bulk of stuff in our divorce. It just takes a decision to act like mature adults.
> Also try and find a fair and decent lawyer if you can. I had a great solicitor, very fair and wise.


She's blowing up his life in it's last quarter and it's quite likely due to feelings for another man. He needs to protect himself so he's not starting over from scratch in his sixties. He needs to hire a lawyer to protect him from ruin.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> He’s not dealing with you, he’s dealing with her. He needs an attorney that can actually get him a fair deal


Fair is good. Yes he needs a lawyer, a fair and wise one. They can also try and agree a lot themselves after both getting advise. It will save thousands.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tested_by_stress said:


> She's blowing up his life in it's last quarter and it's quite likely due to feelings for another man. He needs to protect himself so he's not starting over from scratch in his sixties. He needs to hire a lawyer to protect him from ruin.


Where did I say he shouldn't get a lawyer?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Where did I say he shouldn't get a lawyer?


You didn't but you said he should be fair and decent. Those are not the qualities someone in @rcguy's shoes needs. He needs someone who's primary focus is his client's well being.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Tested_by_stress said:


> You didn't but you said he should be fair and decent. Those are not the qualities someone in @rcguy's shoes needs. He needs someone who's primary focus is his client's well being.


He needs someone who will help him get a fair deal. That is focusing on his client's well being. Trying to get more than what is fair is only going to end up costing him more money. He needs to be able to protect himself, not go on the offense to try to fleece her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Fleece HER??????
She’s blowing up his life. She’s undoubtedly going to get cash and prizes as as reward for disloyalty. He will no doubt be fleeced, abd she knows it. It’s why they’re divorcing. I think another man is involved, but regardless she is going to ruin him and apparently has no real reason.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Try and act fairly and decently and with integrity in the divorce no matter what. Not all of us here think we should act in a greedy and grabbing way just out to fleece the spouse. The more you can agree between you, the less you will have to pay the lawyer. We managed to agree on the bulk of stuff in our divorce. It just takes a decision to act like mature adults.
> Also try and find a fair and decent lawyer if you can. I had a great solicitor, very fair and wise.


She's breaking a promise she has made before God and man. I don't agree that she should be rewarded for that, monetarily or otherwise. No fault divorce is designed to shatter families with ease and is worse than a pandemic in the way it's contributed to shatter our Western Civilization so far.

I cannot advise other than going after the one who breaks the covenant of marriage with every legal avenue still open to the one who is true to their oath.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tested_by_stress said:


> You didn't but you said he should be fair and decent. Those are not the qualities someone in @rcguy's shoes needs. He needs someone who's primary focus is his client's well being.


Fairness means he works on what is fair for all. So that everyone can have what they need for the future. After all they have been married for a very long time so it's probably that all assets are spit 50/50.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Fleece HER??????
> She’s blowing up his life. She’s undoubtedly going to get cash and prizes as as reward for disloyalty. He will no doubt be fleeced, abd she knows it. It’s why they’re divorcing. I think another man is involved, but regardless she is going to ruin him and apparently has no real reason.


Does that mean he can't act decently himself? Does he have to act badly just because she wants out? 
My solicitor said it's not about who did what when it comes to working out a divorce. I had a fantastic solicitor.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

No, it means that everything that he has worked for and planned for, for 41 years—- suddenly his wife (supposed to be his most trusted friend and ally), for unknown reasons, has chosen to screw all that up and is going to take at LEAST half of what he worked for all these years, leaving him with the scraps of his labor. 

Niw in the event she just “fell out of love” abd wants out……. Well, that’s fine. But it’s my personal opinion that the person wanting to break the contract without valid reasons should make concessions to actually make things fair.

In the case that either party has betrayed the other, I thing the disloyal spouse should get nothing. Although that’s irrelevant here, it’s never going to happen.

what I’m saying is that her busting yo the marriage of 41 years and ruining the man’s finances and retirement is unfair in this case, so he needs an attorney that can represent him in a way that might actually bring some fairness to the divorce. And I don’t think getting any of his retirement is fair.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Fairness means he works on what is fair for all. So that everyone can have what they need for the future. After all they have been married for a very long time so it's probably that all assets are spit 50/50.


She ran up $34,000 debt in shopping. I think the OP should be able to take at least the same amount extra in his share. That is only fair. Financial infidelity is no joke.

@rcguy, what did she buy and over how long of a time period?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Does that mean he can't act decently himself? Does he have to act badly just because she wants out?
> My solicitor said it's not about who did what when it comes to working out a divorce. I had a fantastic solicitor.


Why is it seen as decent to give away your stuff when someone rips your heart out and jumps on it? No, it's decent not to break your marriage vows and run off because you're bored or don't feel all tingly anymore. She's not being decent and expects her pound of flesh as a reward.

There's nothing decent in being a doormat to that kind of behavior. As a matter of fact that's just setting the example that people can take a crap all over their marriage and walk away with prizes. That's not decent. No the decent behavior is to show the world that if you crap on your marriage you walk away with as little as possible. That's an example worth setting. That is the decent thing to do, in being a cautionary tale to those who marry and think about running. Be the example that consequences is to be expected. Now that is the decent thing to do.

Your solicitor was right, but the legal system he is right in that has no fault divorce as part of it is a blemish on our civilization and in and of itself, not decent.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> He needs someone who will help him get a fair deal. That is focusing on his client's well being. Trying to get more than what is fair is only going to end up costing him more money. He needs to be able to protect himself, not go on the offense to try to fleece her.


What's fair? 50/50? He'll be lucky to get that even with the best of lawyers. Even at that, he'll be starting over with half the value of his home and assets at 61. Her stated reasons for divorce are rather lame. Depending on where they live up here in Canada, there is a good chance RCguy will become a permanent apartment dweller due to the cost of a house.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> She ran up $34,000 debt in shopping. I think the OP should be able to take at least the same amount extra in his share. That is only fair. Financial infidelity is no joke.
> 
> @rcguy, what did she buy and over how long of a time period?


This debt that she ran up last year was over 6 years. I know that because 6 years before we downsized our home and paid off all her credit. 
The pattern for her is every 5-6 years we have to re-mortgage the house to pay credit cards. This started over 20 years ago.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> What's fair? 50/50? He'll be lucky to get that even with the best of lawyers. Even at that, he'll be starting over with half the value of his home and assets at 61. Her stated reasons for divorce are rather lame. Depending on where they live up here in Canada, there is a good chance RCguy will become a permanent apartment dweller due to the cost of a house.


You're completely right. My only chance to buy a home is to make her an offer that will leave me enough income and cash to qualify for a mortgage on my own. If she fights for more than that, time to look for an apartment. 

by the way I live in the GTA (Outskirts of Toronto), rent and home prices are insane right now.😲


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

[QUOTE="rcguy, post: 20544285, member: 355035

by the way I live in the GTA (Outskirts of Toronto), rent and home prices are insane right now.😲
[/QUOTE]
I have an aunt in Weston. Her neighbour's house just sold for $1.4 million. A modest 3 bedroom bungalow style home. Insane!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> No, it means that everything that he has worked for and planned for, for 41 years—- suddenly his wife (supposed to be his most trusted friend and ally), for unknown reasons, has chosen to screw all that up and is going to take at LEAST half of what he worked for all these years, leaving him with the scraps of his labor.
> 
> Niw in the event she just “fell out of love” abd wants out……. Well, that’s fine. But it’s my personal opinion that the person wanting to break the contract without valid reasons should make concessions to actually make things fair.
> 
> ...


That they BOTH worked for. They have both been married for 41 years, not just him.
After such a long marriage the assets should be split 50/50. 
It's irrelevant why one wants to leave, it's about what is legal and what is best for both going forward. 
Trying to take someone to the cleaners is purely vengeance. 
Any lawyer or solicitor who suggests doing that is being very unprofessional.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> That they BOTH worked for. They have both been married for 41 years, not just him.
> After such a long marriage the assets should be split 50/50.
> It's irrelevant why one wants to leave, it's about what is legal and what is best for both going forward.
> Trying to take someone to the cleaners is purely vengeance.
> Any lawyer or solicitor who suggests doing that is being very unprofessional.


Thank you Diana7. The lawyer that I have spoken with said the same thing. The settlement has to be fair or it won't be considered a legal separation. That would create a possible challenge in court years later. 
Obviously that would be a costly mistake.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You didn't say what she buys and what happens to what she buys.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Personally, I would try and confirm wether there is someone else involved before settling any division of assets. A little bit of guilt or shame could go a long way in your favor.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

With 34k in credit card purchases and bailing her out of debt every 6-8 yrs by refinancing the house, it most definitely sounds like she’s been a teammate.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rcguy said:


> Thank you Diana7. The lawyer that I have spoken with said the same thing. The settlement has to be fair or it won't be considered a legal separation. That would create a possible challenge in court years later.
> Obviously that would be a costly mistake.


Hopefully you have been married long enough that you can agree to communicate on most matters to save loads of money. It's really not worth fighting if you can avoid it. Apart from anything else it will take twice as long and cost many thousands more. Plus it will cause pain for your children caught up in it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> With 34k in credit card purchases and bailing her out of debt every 6-8 yrs by refinancing the house, it most definitely sounds like she’s been a teammate.
> View attachment 87164


Those things will all be taken into account in the agreement I am sure.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I hope you’re right, but have huge doubts.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Fairness means he works on what is fair for all. So that everyone can have what they need for the future. After all they have been married for a very long time so it's probably that all assets are spit 50/50.


So let me get this straight. In most of the cases, because of nature, men work longer hours and contribute more to the household in terms of assets and income. But a 50/50 split of assets is fair if the woman has an affair or files for divorce just because.

Even if it were the other way around as sometimes happens, if the woman earns the lion's share, and the man wants to bail for no reason or an affair, he gets to walk away with what everything he contributed and the rest that adds up to 50% as prizes? How is that fair in either one of those scenarios?

There is virtually nothing like a no fault divorce. Real no-fault divorces are so rare that they can be can be seen as the unicorns of divorces.

I can understand that the person who contributed more than 50% to the household be penalized to loose 50 of assets is it is their fault that they broke the covenant of marriage, but if the other partner breaks the covenant, they get awarded the difference between what they contributed up to the 50% as prizes for breaking their sacred bond and the spirit of the marriage contract. Then that 50/50 split is not fair at all. Heap spousal support and child support on-top of that (where applicable)... Then ordinary people sit there and defends this as fair.

No wonder people who have a high earning potential are not willing to get married anymore. It's a bad deal for anybody who is ambitious at all.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I hope you’re right, but have huge doubts.


If they both have good fair lawyers and can both act like mature adults it may just be ok. I would have thought that all assets and debts will be combined and agreements made to split everything.
In the end though it will take both of them to agree to do this in a civil way.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> If they both have good fair lawyers and can both act like mature adults it may just be ok. I would have thought that all assets and debts will be combined and agreements made to split everything.


Why do you always have all these “ifs” and “mature adults” statements?????
If the majority of people acted that way, there would be little need for divorces. OP’s wife seems pretty shady and totally has hers and not his interest at heart.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Why do you always have all these “ifs” and “mature adults” statements?????
> If the majority of people acted that way, there would be little need for divorces. OP’s wife seems pretty shady and totally has hers and not his interest at heart.


Because how a divorce goes does depend on both acting in a mature and fair way. Not wanting revenge or pay backs or causing trouble and pain to each other. Divorces happen for all sorts of reasons but why make the divorce much harder than it needs to be? 
I have seen several divorces where both acted like grown ups, despite affairs etc. Its so much better for the children and so much cheaper and easier all round. I am a great believer in not making things harder than they need to be.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Because how a divorce goes does depend on both acting in a mature and fair way. Not wanting revenge or pay backs or causing trouble and pain to each other. Divorces happen for all sorts of reasons but why make the divorce much harder than it needs to be?
> I have seen several divorces where both acted like grown ups, despite affairs etc. Its so much better for the children and so much cheaper and easier all round. I am a great believer in not making things harder than they need to be.


Divorce should not be easy. It should be the most difficult thing in the world to shatter a family. These days families are shattered at any whim and the one responsible walks away scot-free and with prizes.

This is how civilizations fall.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Dictum Veritas said:


> So let me get this straight. In most of the cases, because of nature, men work longer hours and contribute more to the household in terms of assets and income. But a 50/50 split of assets is fair if the woman has an affair or files for divorce just because.


It all depends on your divorce laws...

Mine is a no-fault state, it would not matter an affair happened or 50.

What they do look at is individually incurred debt or an imbalance in disbursement, which the judge will most assuredly look for if it is too out of whack. My divorce was postponed because the court wanted to know "why" on some numbers that were even to her favor.

Our mediation attorney even made a mistake and forgot to list a cash asset which was caught by him and I, for $35k. I asked him what the impact was to introduce to the courts to be told they would throw out the entire proceedings and we would have to begin from the beginning.

Because my ex wanted as inexpensive divorce as possible and we had agreed to fairness in assets and my retirement was matched with cash from a life insurance policy ensuring she forego any claim to it, I had to make a decision if the money was worth it.

It was not... it was the best money I ever parted with and the divorce completed within the set timeframe.

Too many mistake kindness for weakness when it is anything but.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I would say just don’t get married if you don’t like the divorce laws. Simple.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> You didn't say what she buys and what happens to what she buys.


She buys clothes, shoes, decorations for the house (for example; artwork , collectables) also entertainment like movies and theatres and concerts
Plus she spends on takeout food and restaurants because she hates to cook.
I do 90% of the cooking.


Blondilocks said:


> You didn't say what she buys and what happens to what she buys.


She buys clothes, shoes, decorations for the house (for example; art work, collectables) also gifts for family and her friends. She also spends on take out food and restaurants because she hates to cook. I do 90% of the cooking and all of the grocery shopping. She goes to movies and theatrical events regularly. 
Not sure what else she buys but it sure adds up quickly. We mortgaged the house to pay her debts last summer and already she owes over $2000 on credit.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

rcguy said:


> She buys clothes, shoes, decorations for the house (for example; artwork , collectables) also entertainment like movies and theatres and concerts
> Plus she spends on takeout food and restaurants because she hates to cook.
> I do 90% of the cooking.
> 
> ...


I hope your not still cooking for her.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> I hope your not still cooking for her.


I'm embarrassed to say, yes. Why??


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

rcguy said:


> I'm embarrassed to say, yes. Why??


Why are you embarrassed, but yet you ask why?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Why haven’t you cancelled the credit cards? I hope the answer is that you have been advised by competent legal counsel that you are not responsible to pay them. I doubt that’s true. It looks like a lot of the expenses were for both of you. The court is very unlikely to let you pick and choose which debts are hers.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sfort said:


> Why haven’t you cancelled the credit cards? I hope the answer is that you have been advised by competent legal counsel that you are not responsible to pay them. I doubt that’s true. It looks like a lot of the expenses were for both of you. The court is very unlikely to let you pick and choose which debts are hers.


How are her clothes, shoes, concerts she attends, movies she attends, takeout she eats, HIS expenses? And art and decorations he didn't buy or want?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Livvie said:


> How are her clothes, shoes, concerts she attends, movies she attends, takeout she eats, HIS expenses? And art and decorations he didn't buy or want?


As unfair as it seems, most judges aren’t going to waste their time separating clothes (any for him?) from take-out dinners that they both ate. Who says he didn’t want the decorations? What proof does he have, not that it matters? I would have thought @Dictum Veritas, of all people, would know that.

We’ll see how it goes in front of the judge. It’s understandable that people want to argue fairness instead of legality.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

YeAh, op is gonna pay half that credit card bill whether it’s fair or not. He seems ok with being “fair” just as he’s been ok with all his wife’s overspending, etc, that she’s been doing the whole marriage.
Passive behavior is what has gotten him to this point. Being passive is absolutely one of the most self destructive things a man can do in a marriage.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The moral of the story is if you have a spouse who overspends to the point you are remortgaging your home every little bit (wtf) to pay the credit card bill and said spouse won't work with you on the issue, to cut their spending, divorce as soon as you can instead of staying with that person. 

Stories like this make me extremely glad I'm single right now.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

rcguy said:


> She buys clothes, shoes, decorations for the house (for example; artwork , collectables) also entertainment like movies and theatres and concerts
> Plus she spends on takeout food and restaurants because she hates to cook.
> I do 90% of the cooking.
> 
> ...


It doesn't sound like you'll be able to sell any of that nonsense to recoup any of the money. Unless, the collectables are really collectable you are sol. Get all of your paperwork together so your attorney can make a case for financial infidelity. 

Does your wife understand that she can not continue to live beyond her means indefinitely? Does she understand that it is not your job to continue to fund her Peter Pan lifestyle?


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> It doesn't sound like you'll be able to sell any of that nonsense to recoup any of the money. Unless, the collectables are really collectable you are sol. Get all of your paperwork together so your attorney can make a case for financial infidelity.
> 
> Does your wife understand that she can not continue to live beyond her means indefinitely? Does she understand that it is not your job to continue to fund her Peter Pan lifestyle?


This is what I'm thinking now. I want to cut all financial ties ASAP. The reckless spending is a type of betrayal to me.
The things she buys are at best collectibles and at worst just souvenirs and nick-naks.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> The moral of the story is if you have a spouse who overspends to the point you are remortgaging your home every little bit (wtf) to pay the credit card bill and said spouse won't work with you on the issue, to cut their spending, divorce as soon as you can instead of staying with that person.
> 
> Stories like this make me extremely glad I'm single right now.


Love makes people do stupid things, sorry to say. Was willing to turn a blind eye to her money moron behavior. 
But now that has to change.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

rcguy said:


> She is worried more about other peoples impressions than about me. That has been normal for many years. I'm sure she feels some guilt over this too.


I doubt it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

rcguy said:


> Thanks for saying that. Your right. Thinking I took the job because it might change her mind. Of course if I want to get a mortgage and buy my own condo or house I'll need to have an income.


But she will also get a cut of your work income also as well as retirement. I would not work sell the house and split it, then go back to work after divorce.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

rcguy said:


> My thoughts are that the separation would be a big distraction during the wedding celebrations. Weather it makes my wife happy or not , doesn't matter to me. Still I can't decide if I should tell my daughter what's going on, or not.


The way my mom treated our dad, sister and I wished dad would divorced mom and found someone who treated him right. Mom was a controlling jezebel of a woman and I rarely talk to her any more now dad has passed.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

rcguy said:


> Thanks for the reply, good advice.
> I'm working on getting appointments set up for the separation agreement. But she has the right to refuse to sign and It's then up to me to prove in court that the agreement is fair.
> Or the preferred way to settle is with mediation. Much cheaper and faster. and no lawyers.
> If we agree to a settlement through mediation, the house sale and separation of assets can happen after the wedding.
> The thing is my SPBX has to be onboard with the mediation.


You THINK the co-worker she is talking to is female. You do not know. You only know what this secretive jezebel woman is telling you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Is the house worth much? If it is then can't you both each buy a smaller place?
> That's what most couples seem to do. Sell a larger place and each get somewhere smaller. Maybe an appt.
> 
> Having said that, 61 is very young to retire anyway. In the UK most pensions aren't paid out till 65 or 66, and few can retire till then.
> Would they even give you a mortgage now?


I retired at 50. Went to work for another state government for pension #2.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> He's also be liable for any big debts SHE runs up until he makes it a formal separation/divorce.
> He already said she is awful at finance and spends. I would do this NOW so the crap she tries to run up due to the wedding is HER issue, not his.


This...my cousin's wife paid for her son's big elaborate wedding. He did not know anything about her taking out a credit card in his name and charging up $25k on it. He caught it and divorced her, the card was paid off with house buy out money paid by him. He made sure that was in decree.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

rcguy said:


> I never thought of it that way.
> Kind of a relief that I told my oldest son today. Was afraid I might get too emotional but It wasn't so difficult.
> My daughter is much more sensitive like her father. This will hurt her a lot.
> The middle son is a very deep thinker. Very grounded. I'm thinking that he will help the other sibling work through it.
> ...


A book I suggest you buy them for their marriage. Proper care and feeding of Husbands and PCAF of marriage. Both by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. And Not Just Friends to help protect the marriage from others.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> A book I suggest you buy them for their marriage. Proper care and feeding of Husbands and PCAF of marriage. Both by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. And Not Just Friends to help protect the marriage from others.


Thank you DF. That's a great suggestion. I've read books by Dr. Schlessinger before and I'm a fan.
To update on my situation, I made an offer to my STBX for the house and she turned it down. That means we have to sell and split the money. Likely we'll both be apartment dwellers for the rest of our lives. Unless of course she has a boyfriend with a house.
I go to see my lawyer this next week. Might have some other options. 
Cheers.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rcguy said:


> Thank you DF. That's a great suggestion. I've read books by Dr. Schlessinger before and I'm a fan.
> To update on my situation, I made an offer to my STBX for the house and she turned it down. That means we have to sell and split the money. Likely we'll both be apartment dwellers for the rest of our lives. Unless of course she has a boyfriend with a house.
> I go to see my lawyer this next week. Might have some other options.
> Cheers.


Apartment or v small house, but you can get some nice appartments. Some ground floor ones with gardens.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

rcguy said:


> Thank you DF. That's a great suggestion. I've read books by Dr. Schlessinger before and I'm a fan.
> To update on my situation, I made an offer to my STBX for the house and she turned it down. That means we have to sell and split the money. Likely we'll both be apartment dwellers for the rest of our lives. Unless of course she has a boyfriend with a house.
> I go to see my lawyer this next week. Might have some other options.
> Cheers.


I would let the kids in on it and fact she is having secretive midnight texting sessions with someone which may be another man. That way if she starts spinning it to make you look like the bad guy here. So when y'all split and all of a sudden there is a new guy everyone will have the gist of it.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Apartment or v small house, but you can get some nice appartments. Some ground floor ones with gardens.


Right now, bad timing, there is not much I can afford. Would love to stay in our house but, the money that she wants is more than I can borrow. I'm forced at this point to rent a place and so is she. I would love to see how she manages her budget because she has never managed a budget before.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m feeling for you brother. At least you are doing what it takes to stop getting your guts ripped out every day. I admire that.
Your wife is not someone you’ll get sny happiness from every again. Accept that like you’re doing and move on as best you can.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

rcguy said:


> Right now, bad timing, there is not much I can afford. Would love to stay in our house but, the money that she wants is more than I can borrow. I'm forced at this point to rent a place and so is she. I would love to see how she manages her budget because she has never managed a budget before.


Didn't she say she's got plans to live with someone?


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Didn't she say she's got plans to live with someone?


Yes and no. She said she may stay in a basement apartment at a couples home. I know this couple, the woman is a longtime coworker of my wife. Their son recently moved out of the apartment and bought his own home. 
The plan sounds fishy to me because she wants to keep our dog and cat. The couple didn't agree to pets and the dog has a fear of going into basements. 
My feeling is that she expects someone else to jump in and sort out her life for her. I've been that person in the past, sadly but not anymore.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> YeAh, op is gonna pay half that credit card bill whether it’s fair or not. He seems ok with being “fair” just as he’s been ok with all his wife’s overspending, etc, that she’s been doing the whole marriage.
> Passive behavior is what has gotten him to this point. Being passive is absolutely one of the most self destructive things a man can do in a marriage.


Absolutely agree. 
Just learned how "fair" my STBX wants to be, when I made an offer to buy her out of the house. I offered to pay her $200K plus take over the mortgage and pay her $1000/month for 3 years. She turned it down flat then suggested that I should just walk away and leave the house to her. 
So after 41 years of paying the bills, I get/ deserve nothing. That made me decide to sell the house and split our assets according to the law. If she won't agree then I can try arbitration. In Canada that's another option where a Family Law Professional is hired to act as a binding arbitrator. At least this way we stay out of court avoiding the cost and long delay.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If she comes back to the negotiating table, do not offer a higher amount for the house. Make every future offer less than the one before.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> If she comes back to the negotiating table, do not offer a higher amount for the house. Make every future offer less than the one before.


I think this is a good approach. Rather than her antics getting her more and wearing you down, you turn the tables on her. As you said, you've been there to pick her up every time before, but now you won't be doing that. You are in self-preservation mode now. She likely expects you to cave and take care of her again. She's in for a rude awakening.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rcguy said:


> Absolutely agree.
> Just learned how "fair" my STBX wants to be, when I made an offer to buy her out of the house. I offered to pay her $200K plus take over the mortgage and pay her $1000/month for 3 years. She turned it down flat then suggested that I should just walk away and leave the house to her.
> So after 41 years of paying the bills, I get/ deserve nothing. That made me decide to sell the house and split our assets according to the law. If she won't agree then I can try arbitration. In Canada that's another option where a Family Law Professional is hired to act as a binding arbitrator. At least this way we stay out of court avoiding the cost and long delay.


How much is the house worth? Mortgage?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

rcguy said:


> Absolutely agree.
> Just learned how "fair" my STBX wants to be, when I made an offer to buy her out of the house. I offered to pay her $200K plus take over the mortgage and pay her $1000/month for 3 years. She turned it down flat then suggested that I should just walk away and leave the house to her.
> So after 41 years of paying the bills, I get/ deserve nothing. That made me decide to sell the house and split our assets according to the law. If she won't agree then I can try arbitration. In Canada that's another option where a Family Law Professional is hired to act as a binding arbitrator. At least this way we stay out of court avoiding the cost and long delay.


No offence but, she sounds like a real prize. The only thing you're losing here is assets. Getting clear of her will be anything but a loss. Too bad you're not 20 years younger.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> How much is the house worth? Mortgage?


Not sure how much exactly. Prices are falling now from a ridiculous high in April, could be CDN $600K.
When we moved in 6 years ago it was worth $300K. The mortgage is about $32K.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> No offence but, she sounds like a real prize. The only thing you're losing here is assets. Getting clear of her will be anything but a loss. Too bad you're not 20 years younger.


No offense taken, cheers. I wish I was twenty years younger too. Who doesn't? lol 😉


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rcguy said:


> Not sure how much exactly. Prices are falling now from a ridiculous high in April, could be CDN $600K.
> When we moved in 6 years ago it was worth $300K. The mortgage is about $32K.


Probably best to get it valued and offer her half of the value taking the mortgage off if you can.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@rcguy, how are things going?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I hope he holds onto it and his ex gets as little as possible. As said, truly a horrid woman snd OP will hopefully be blessed with a good woman to spend many more years with who shows him what it actually feels like to be loved. A week with that person will be worth more than years with the beast who has been lurking in his home.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> @rcguy, how are things going?


 Things are quiet now as far as the separation. Focusing on the wedding this weekend has taken all of our attention. Thinking that soon after, the negotiations for a separation agreement will ramp up quickly. My wife has been quietly sending information to her lawyer for weeks. So have I.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

rcguy said:


> Things are quiet now as far as the separation. Focusing on the wedding this weekend has taken all of our attention. Thinking that soon after, the negotiations for a separation agreement will ramp up quickly. My wife has been quietly sending information to her lawyer for weeks. So have I.


Enjoy the wedding, don't let your STBXW ruin it for you in any way.

I hope you've stopped cooking for her by now....


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

re16 said:


> Enjoy the wedding, don't let your STBXW ruin it for you in any way.
> 
> I hope you've stopped cooking for her by now....


I hope he has stopped doing everything for her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its a very sad situation after so long.


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## rcguy (9 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> I hope he holds onto it and his ex gets as little as possible. As said, truly a horrid woman snd OP will hopefully be blessed with a good woman to spend many more years with who shows him what it actually feels like to be loved. A week with that person will be worth more than years with the beast who has been lurking in his home.


 Thanks for the kind words Evinrude. As for another "good woman", sorry to say but I don't trust any women at all. Not interested in any relationships.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rcguy said:


> Thanks for the kind words Evinrude. As for another "good woman", sorry to say but I don't trust any women at all. Not interested in any relationships.


Please don't colour all women the same just because of one. I have been very badly hurt by various men in my life but I understand that there are good men about just as there are good women. Hense I am 17 years into my second marriage.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think your wife is slowly realizing that the saying "becareful what you wish for" is going to impact her future. I have a funny feeling that your future ex wife will find herself in a whole world of hurt once you are gone. and frankly i for one think that is a good thing. you see without cooking and watching her spending you will be cleaned out in no time and she will be beggin you to help....and when you don't do that she will tell your kids how ruthless you are....that is her nature


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

rcguy said:


> Absolutely agree.
> Just learned how "fair" my STBX wants to be, when I made an offer to buy her out of the house. I offered to pay her $200K plus take over the mortgage and pay her $1000/month for 3 years. She turned it down flat then suggested that I should just walk away and leave the house to her.
> So after 41 years of paying the bills, I get/ deserve nothing. That made me decide to sell the house and split our assets according to the law. If she won't agree then I can try arbitration. In Canada that's another option where a Family Law Professional is hired to act as a binding arbitrator. At least this way we stay out of court avoiding the cost and long delay.


Uh, WRONG. You don't leave the house to her. Half of the equity in it is yours and a lawyer will tell you that, and no judge will award her the house while stealing your half of the equity.

You could negotiate that you could leave her the house, but then she will no longer be entitled to the amount of your 1/2 of equity in any retirement account.

Either way, you get your 1/2 one way or the other. If my X told me to just leave her the house, I'd have told her to go F herself. She wanted me to leave the house, so my attorney told them, "ok, but she will owe him half the equity in it", and since she couldn't afford to pay me, the house went to me, and I paid her half the equity by agreeing to take the marital debt(which wasn't much, and we had only been in the house a short number of years) which was roughly equal to the total equity. 

Also, pay her $1000/month for 3 years? LOL, she turned it down. She has a job, it's likely she won't get any alimony. She just screwed herself.

So here is what you do, just have your attorney draft 2 proposals as far as the house goes. 1) she leaves and you pay her half the equity and take over payments with NO alimony. If you can't pay outright, have it negotiated out of any retirement accounts and/or taking on any marital debt.

And 2) YOU leave the house and she has to now pay you half the equity. Do not under any circumstances agree to pay alimony. Have your attorney fight that tooth and nail. She works and she is the one that wants the divorce.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

rcguy said:


> Thanks for the kind words Evinrude. As for another "good woman", sorry to say but I don't trust any women at all. Not interested in any relationships.


You say that now, because your heart has been broken. It’s a normal way to feel. But I would ask you to keep an open mind after you do get over the pain. Don’t let your wife destroy the opportunity for you to meet a good woman who will show you what love actually looks like.
Yes, I opened myself up to another woman after I divorced after 18 yrs together and got my heart broken…… again. It happens. Gotta take the bad with the good. I am not letting those women ruin my chance at a good one.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> You say that now, because your heart has been broken. It’s a normal way to feel. But I would ask you to keep an open mind after you do get over the pain. Don’t let your wife destroy the opportunity for you to meet a good woman who will show you what love actually looks like.
> Yes, I opened myself up to another woman after I divorced after 18 yrs together and got my heart broken…… again. It happens. Gotta take the bad with the good. I am not letting those women ruin my chance at a good one.


I can understand that in his 60's he doesn't want to go through all the dating stuff again. I am in my 60s and if I were to be single again I wouldn't either. I would be happy to remain single. Not because I dont trust men but just because I wouldnt be interested.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

rcguy said:


> Love makes people do stupid things, sorry to say. Was willing to turn a blind eye to her money moron behavior.
> But now that has to change.


We all have a choice. You chose poorly now you get to pay for your choices.
Divorce is a business transaction. No room for emotions unless you want to end up on the short end of the stick.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It sounds like you need to read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ by glover. It’s a free pdf download and short.


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