# Wife refuses to communicate with me about depression



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I've been pretty depressed for quite a long time now and have been on AD's for about the last 6 months. One thing I've noticed about my relationship with my wife since being diagnosed is that she completely refuses to discuss it with me or even acknowledge it. I've tried several times to bring it up in discussion and she completely shuts down. Like zero-words-coming-out-of-her-mouth shuts down. I'd really like to talk with her about it, because sometimes it's just nice to have the person you love listen to your problems. I'm not expecting solutions from her, I just want an ear for a while.

I told her at one point that I know she's uncomfortable talking about it and she said that she knows she's not being supportive and that if I wanted to make an appointment to talk to someone else she'd be ok with that. Wow, thanks for being there.

I can't figure out what's up. I don't know if I freak her out now, or if she just can't be bothered. I'm not really sure where to go from this point. It's really hurtful that she won't talk to me when it seems like she's the one person I should be able to turn to. Am I really barking up the wrong tree here? Am I being selfish to want to discuss this with her? Should I just pretend this thing doesn't exist when I'm around her and deal with it on my own as best I can?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I'm not going to lie, your wife's actions are a bit cold. It would hurt my feelings too if my husband would shut me down like that. I mean, you are suppoed to be able to talk to your spouse about everything. So I get why you are frustrated.

Could marriage counseling work? Maybe she truly has no idea how to be there for you.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Yeah, sorry, that's pretty cold of her. Is there some sort of family of origin issue that might explain why she's so withdrawn about your depression? I can't imagine being that unsupportive with my spouse. Is she emotionally supportive of you regarding other issues?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Fozzy,

I am sorry to hear this. Caring for a spouse with any longer term health issue raises some complex feelings (speaking from experience here).

She was honest with you and objective about herself that's a good thing. I hope you two can connect in other ways and she is showing you her love in other ways (maybe in her own way). Not trying to make excuses for her but just suggesting some possibilities.

I hope you find some support as you walk through this.

Take care!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Rowan said:


> Yeah, sorry, that's pretty cold of her. Is there some sort of family of origin issue that might explain why she's so withdrawn about your depression? I can't imagine being that unsupportive with my spouse. Is she emotionally supportive of you regarding other issues?


Not really any family history on her part that might explain it. My family has a long history of depression hitting just about every generation. As to whether she's emotionally supportive regarding other issues---she used to be to an extent. She was pretty open to listening and talking about some CSA issues that I had, but that was early in our relationship. The only other real issue I've tried having heart-to-hearts with her about is our sex life--and that's been a mixed bag.

What really worries me is the thought that I might be freaking her out. Some people get a little kooky about mental health issues. I just don't want her to view me like I grew a 2nd head or something.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Unfortunately, not everyone can deal effectively with depression -- whether it's their own or someone they love. Sometimes that comes from how it was dealt with in their family growing up. That was true in my own family. That meant I was unable to discuss my own and I don't think I could have discussed anyone else's either. 

Maybe do baby step discussions -- a tiny bit at a time? But it's possible she is not ever going to be able to support you as she should so talking to your family or a therapist might be the solution.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I don't have anything against talking about it with family or a therapist. It's not even a matter of looking for solutions to the depression. I know that's probably going to require a therapists intervention anyway. I'm just aggravated that she doesn't want to hear me, and a little frightened by the implications of that.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

IMO family support is crucial when it comes to ANY sickness. It's part of our life/marriage and relationships I thought.

Force her into it. Baby steps OP. Talk a little even if she gives you a cold shoulder.

I would not like that kind of treatment, that's really unsupported does the opposite of what you look for during these hard times.

It would even turn me off from my partner completely.....seriously.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

A brief, intense burst of honesty, often goes a long way. 

In this case:
It's NOT ok that you're being totally unsupportive of my depression. And you won't like it if I respond in kind if you get sick. 

And then shut up. Don't say anything else. Balls in her court. 




Fozzy said:


> I don't have anything against talking about it with family or a therapist. It's not even a matter of looking for solutions to the depression. I know that's probably going to require a therapists intervention anyway. I'm just aggravated that she doesn't want to hear me, and a little frightened by the implications of that.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> I don't have anything against talking about it with family or a therapist. It's not even a matter of looking for solutions to the depression. I know that's probably going to require a therapists intervention anyway. I'm just aggravated that she doesn't want to hear me, and a little frightened by the implications of that.


I know this is kind of easy to say...from my end of the pond, but hopefully it will help.

Do not let anyone/anything frighten you or effect your mental state. Practice mental control, positive/optimistic state constantly.

Even without depression, I've noticed that (and recently learned) that one has to control their thoughts and manage them vs allow them to control me or put me in certain moods.

I always thought that you feel the way you feel and whatever come up/you react/deal with it. It is what it is....boy was I wrong.

Now, I have a more proactive approach. When negative/bad feeling come up I deflect them and think about other/positive things/smile and remain optimistic.

My depression feelings simply disappear and my state of mind is reflective of what I inject into my mind.

It seems to do wonders and no, it won't be 100%......and it does take practice.

I was reading somebody's post about emotions (maybe not even on this forum) and what they said is so true. I'm a very emotional person, and I now recognize that it's a weakness. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with being emotional, but emotional is a state in which one person can't contain themselves. 

I tried practicing this while watching Parenthood hehe, let's face is, that show is designed by the masters of inflicting emotion.....I made a goal to not cry and recognize my emotion as it creeps up. When it did, I just thought about things I liked/ deflected it (in a way). 

It worked wonders.

The older I get, the more I realize that mind control/practice and exercise is one of those strengths we all have and can trick/practice. 

I also realize that more you "go along with it" and allow your brain/thoughts to control you, the more of a victim you become.

:scratchhead:

PS. I know it's not that easy for those with depression and I have no clue what you might be dealing with. Food for thought/hope it helps.

:smthumbup:


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

DoF said:


> It would even turn me off from my partner completely.....seriously.


I've experienced dealing with a partner who isn't willing to even engage with me about an illness. That unwillingness does breed resentment and erode trust and respect. It's hard to keep believing that you can rely on your spouse for anything, when it's clear you _can't_ rely on them when dealing with a major issue.

If you haven't tried it already, it may be time for marriage counseling. I think it likely that this is a real threat to your marriage.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

DoF said:


> I know this is kind of easy to say...from my end of the pond, but hopefully it will help.
> 
> Do not let anyone/anything frighten you or effect your mental state. Practice mental control, positive/optimistic state constantly.
> 
> ...


I do try to practice mental control as much as possible. Before I went on meds, it was the only thing that got me through the day. I chose the meds when treading water more and more often turned to slowly sinking despite my efforts.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Maybe she's afraid, doesn't understand depression, or is worried you would blame her for "causing" it. Maybe she's worried she might say the wrong thing and make things worse for you and/or your marriage. That could explain her completely shutting down when you bring it up. Maybe she's afraid that you would use her as a therapist and she doesn't feel she can or should play that role for you.

I don't know. It would really bother me if my partner didn't want to talk about something that I'm actually taking medication for. But I'd want to understand WHY - I would NEED to understand why so I don't end up thinking of him as an uncaring assh*le.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think you are probably right that she is nervous about your depression. Does she have her own issues with this sort of thing?

I ask because I can easily get discouraged and I often feel insecure. I rely on my husband to buoy me up and provide emotional stability. If he had the same struggles I do, I am not sure how our marriage would have gone.

I, too, strongly encourage you to go for marriage counseling. And honestly, Fozzy, a change of partner might be a big help. There seem to be plenty of women who enjoy nurturing and caring for men. They would not be "freaked out" by depression, or any other health issue.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> I told her at one point that I know she's uncomfortable talking about it and she said that she knows she's not being supportive and that if I wanted to make an appointment to talk to someone else she'd be ok with that. Wow, thanks for being there.


She is being honest. It may not be what you want to hear, but there it is. To her, "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" means "you are on your own."

So now you have decide if , combined with everything else, that is enough for you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> To her, "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" means "you are on your own."
> 
> So now you have decide if , combined with everything else, that is enough for you.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

My husband would not, or could not, deal with much of anything life threw our way. He ran. He avoided. He refused to the point that one night he walked out of our home and spent the night in our R.V. Just because I wanted to discuss an issue with him. It wasn't about an affair; nothing that heavy. But apparently too heavy for him.

I got a cancer diagnosis alone. I went through chemo alone. I dealt with my life living with a hardcore alcoholic for six long, lonely years.

I left.

There are people who simply shut down and refuse to deal with life on life's terms. Period.

You either suck it up and tough it out or you get out.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> She is being honest. It may not be what you want to hear, but there it is. To her, "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" means "you are on your own."
> 
> So now you have decide if , combined with everything else, that is enough for you.


I think unfortunately this might be correct. I still hope NoraJane and others are correct that it's just nerves and we can talk past it, but honestly I have a hard time understanding how you'd need to prod someone into talking about something that affects both of you unless you just plain don't care. It's definitely eroded my trust in her, and my ability to be open with her is taking a hit. I'd love to get to the bottom of it when she refuses to discuss. I'll probably take MEM's advice just to lay down the gauntlet and walk away, and then take it from there.

Thanks everyone


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> ... but honestly I have a hard time understanding how you'd need to prod someone into talking about something that affects both of you unless you just plain don't care. It's definitely eroded my trust in her, and my ability to be open with her is taking a hit. I'd love to get to the bottom of it when she refuses to discuss.


Honestly, Fozzy, I feel your pain. It's lonely and frustrating, to say the least.

There is the possibility that she does care, but doesn't know HOW to care. My husband came from a family that kept a tight lid on emotional issues. He was taught that anger is bad and wrong.

Guess what? He ended up being passive-aggressive, an alcoholic, and someone who lacked the tools to handle life.

Perhaps your wife simply is scared sh!tless to discuss emotionally-laden issues. 

But you can't teach her how to face this problem. My take on it? Tell her exactly how you feel. Lay it on the line. But if you set a boundary and lay down the consequences of her actions, you have to follow through.

Let us know how it goes. Only you can decide what you can live with. I got to the point that I couldn't live with the insanity of denial that was beyond any denial I had ever seen.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Oh Fozzy  It pained me to read this and I'm sorry for the pain that you are feeling. You're one that I consider a colorful and interesting person here. 

The reason it pained me, aside from the obvious that you are suffering, is that my husband has also felt some of what you are feeling. He went through a funk a few years back. Mild depression. No medications needed and he was carrying on with work and such but he came to me and shared that he was going through this. 

At the time, I was selfish. My walls went up and I was somewhat dismissive. It makes me feel like a complete d!ck-head that I hurt him. I'd experienced my mother's depression up close and personal as a teenager and my dad had his spell with it too. All of that came to the surface and I couldn't offer him what he needed at the time. The thought of going through that again, and with my husband who's always been my rock, well, I was too selfish to get over my own sh*t for his benefit. Friends and colleagues who had depression, I'd always felt quite protective and empathic towards, but my husband? That was too close to home. Too close to what I'd already been through.

The whole thing started him on a journey that delved into his childhood; he journalled, learned a lot about himself (which he did share with me) and looking back now, that actually was the start of him making changes well before I was aware of making changes for myself and our marriage. He later told me that he felt a lack of support from me when he initially brought it up - the mention of depression - and I actually needed to hear it in those words to give me a frickn clue of how I'd impacted him. I shared that it took me back to those times and.... had the opportunity to sincerely apologize. It was never my intention to be unsupportive. Unfortunately I had gone into self-protection mode instead of being loving and compassionate. I couldn't see it at the time but that sh*t most certainly was affecting our marriage. Turned out that I had to own, face and get over, my own crap to be able to be more loving to him. 

I agree with MEM that you need to be clear and honest in how you feel. I hope that she wises up soon.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> I do try to practice mental control as much as possible. Before I went on meds, it was the only thing that got me through the day. I chose the meds when treading water more and more often turned to slowly sinking despite my efforts.


I understand, sorry to hear.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> I think you are probably right that she is nervous about your depression. Does she have her own issues with this sort of thing?
> 
> I ask because I can easily get discouraged and I often feel insecure. I rely on my husband to buoy me up and provide emotional stability. If he had the same struggles I do, I am not sure how our marriage would have gone.
> 
> I, too, strongly encourage you to go for marriage counseling. And honestly, Fozzy, a change of partner might be a big help. There seem to be plenty of women who enjoy nurturing and caring for men. They would not be "freaked out" by depression, or any other health issue.



Agreed

But she can also be scared because we all know being around ANYONE for extended periods of time, by default, makes you like that person.

Understandable as well. She doesn't want his depression to spill onto her....


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy I want to offer my experience in support.

I went through a major depression in my mid 30's. My husband was abysmal in terms of support. Just abysmal! I'm still angry about it though it's getting less and less each time I remember those years.

He recently admitted that he felt my depression was his fault and he couldn't deal with it.

Another example of people who simply can't deal with the emotional needs of others: playing tennis, 4 women talking while warming up. I was relating the circumstance of a young boy I was working with who had been terribly abused. One of the women on the other side of the net dropper her racquet and burst into tears talking about her husband's experience with CSA and how that affected their marriage. Her partner looked aghast. I went over to her side of the net and comforted her until she calmed. When we finished playing her partner thanked me for dealing with the crying woman saying she has no idea how to do "that comfort thing you did" and was glad she wasn't left holding the bag.

Some people just really really suck at giving comfort.

But, going back to my depression, not knowing how to comfort is no excuse! When your spouse is in pain you respond!

I think your wife is cold for turning her back on you and I hope you follow MEM's advice.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't think we all have the same capabilities.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DoF said:


> Agreed
> 
> But she can also be scared because we all know being around ANYONE for extended periods of time, by default, makes you like that person.
> 
> Understandable as well. She doesn't want his depression to spill onto her....


Depression isn't 'catching'. It can be hard to know how to be there for someone with depression though. From my own experience, it was feeling helpless for those I loved and in many ways, feeling alone. I made suggestions, listened, loved, comforted, felt frustrated and confused... depression isn't something that someone can snap out of. The memories for me including coming home to find my mother still being in bed, curtains drawn, closing out the world, and other times talking about wanting to end her life.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> Depression isn't 'catching'. It can be hard to know how to be there for someone with depression though. From my own experience, it was feeling helpless for those I loved and in many ways, feeling alone. I made suggestions, listened, loved, comforted, felt frustrated and confused... depression isn't something that someone can snap out of. The memories for me including coming home to find my mother still being in bed, curtains drawn, closing out the world, and other times talking about wanting to end her life.


Had the same experiences with my mother. I remember when I was around 8 she spent the better part of a year pretty much holed up in her bedroom.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> Depression isn't 'catching'. It can be hard to know how to be there for someone with depression though. From my own experience, it was feeling helpless for those I loved and in many ways, feeling alone. I made suggestions, listened, loved, comforted, felt frustrated and confused... depression isn't something that someone can snap out of. The memories for me including coming home to find my mother still being in bed, curtains drawn, closing out the world, and other times talking about wanting to end her life.


I didn't say it was "catching"

I said, whenever ANYONE is exposed to ANY environment long enough, they become PART of that environment.

Basic human nature


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

DoF said:


> I didn't say it was "catching"
> 
> I said, whenever ANYONE is exposed to ANY environment long enough, they become PART of that environment.
> 
> Basic human nature


You said that ...and I disagree.

There are people in scenarios who strive to be the opposite or different to what they're exposed to.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

DoF said:


> I didn't say it was "catching"
> 
> I said, whenever ANYONE is exposed to ANY environment long enough, they become PART of that environment.
> 
> Basic human nature


I think there is a difference between depression as a mental illness and situational depression. Depression the illness in one family member can cause situational depression in loved ones, especially those in the same household. Depression resists change. It will bend new situations to fit it's old mental pathways. It takes intensive therapy or medication to alleviate the symptoms of depression and forge new pathways. I do feel, however, that many people suffer from situational depression and confuse it with mental illness. I do believe this accounts for why depression medications tend not to work for them, and why, once removed from a bad situation, they tend to bounce back, and dump the meds. I also am of the belief that anxiety plus stress is often confused for depression.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> My husband would not, or could not, deal with much of anything life threw our way. He ran. He avoided. He refused to the point that one night he walked out of our home and spent the night in our R.V. Just because I wanted to discuss an issue with him. It wasn't about an affair; nothing that heavy. But apparently too heavy for him.
> 
> I got a cancer diagnosis alone. I went through chemo alone. I dealt with my life living with a hardcore alcoholic for six long, lonely years.


Man, this is how I feel with my relationship to my STBXW...she has always been checked out when it came to dealing with deep stuff. And throughout my own cancer treatment and recovery, she just wasn't there.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think Lila's post is very good and could be helpful.

I don't have any words of wisdom, just empathizing with you. I'm currently living with being completely shut out and it is a very, very sad and lonely place to be . I'm in IC, he's in IC, we're taking a break from MC, but it's so hard when the person you want most to confide in (and be confided in by) knowingly and purposefully shuts you out .


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> You said that ...and I disagree.
> 
> There are people in scenarios who strive to be the opposite or different to what they're exposed to.


Yes , EVERYONE has that too.

But time plays a big role, and in time (especially long periods of time) you can be the best leader in the world, it doesn't matter, you WILL become part of the environment you are in.


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