# Internally Divided



## karilynn (Feb 17, 2010)

Hi everyone - So I'm still here - pondering my life and going back and forth, up and down. The title says it all "internally divided". 

I have decided to completely own my feelings as I have been told on this site before and not place blame. Everyone has their own "stuff" and their own faults. I understand this. My H and I have only been married 2.5 years and have been together about 5.5. I was on the verge of completely ending it a few years back and I ended up pregnant at the age of 40. Completely surprised, shocked but still happy as I always wanted to have another (I also have a daughter who is soon 20, youngest - the surprise - now 3). 
The truth of the matter is that I do not want to be married to this man. I do not want to be anymore. I just want to be by myself and be able to be myself and live my own life and raise my daughters in my own way. I am completely able, emotionally and financially, to do this. 

I have gone back and forth, back and forth. I simply do not want to be married anymore. My first marriage lasted 18 years and I was raised a strict Catholic so I do understand about the vows. I believe that this marriage was a mistake and that I did it because I felt it was the right thing to do. 

My H tells me how happy he is that I "love" him and how much he loves coming home to our home and loves the wife that I am but inside I am SCREAMING. I am not crying anymore because quite frankly, I cannot cry anymore. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I am scared to death to tell him what I truly feel on the inside. My trust for him is pretty much gone (not in a sexual way but in more of a - I just don't trust him to have my back so to speak) and I don't tell him anything anymore because I don't want to hear what he has to say about it. I simply DONT CARE what he has to say about it. 
His birthday was yesterday and I cooked him all his favorite things and his favorite cake because he has worked hard this week and I believe people should feel special on their birthdays. 

I am so torn inside that I feel as though I am being ripped apart!!!!! I am SERIOUSLY concerned about my physical health if I let this continue anymore. I just don't know what to do!!! I am stuck between doing what I think I should and doing what I think I need to for myself. Any suggestions?


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## readyforchange (Oct 22, 2010)

I am sorry karilynn. I do not have any advice for you, but you are not alone! I feel the exact same way, and I have been going through the motions for 14 years now. I guess all I can say is, follow your heart. Things have to work out for the best if you do that.
Good luck.


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