# Husband says things he doesn't mean



## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

I'm grappling with this because I honestly cannot tell if he really meant what he said at the time he said it or not. He swears he did not mean to say something 10 minutes after he said it. And it's not frequent, but what he says is divisive and painful. For example that I don't discipline my son and let him do whatever he wants, then that I never do anything around the house, then that he will never stop smoking pot every week (even though he told me when we got together romantically he was sober now and would only smoke weed "every once in a while"). He is very high anxiety and gets stressed and annoyed at the slightest thing. I feel like I am walking on eggshells.

So I want to ask in your experience, and I will repost this in the men's lounge to get their advice as well, but do you think men mean it when they say harsh things?


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

AvaTara539 said:


> I'm grappling with this because I honestly cannot tell if he really meant what he said at the time he said it or not. He swears he did not mean to say something 10 minutes after he said it. And it's not frequent, but what he says is divisive and painful. For example that I don't discipline my son and let him do whatever he wants, then that I never do anything around the house, then that he will never stop smoking pot every week (even though he told me when we got together romantically he was sober now and would only smoke weed "every once in a while"). He is very high anxiety and gets stressed and annoyed at the slightest thing. I feel like I am walking on eggshells.
> 
> Sometimes people say things that they don't mean. However, if this is a constant issue, there may actually be some truth to his words.
> 
> ...


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> AvaTara539 said:
> 
> 
> > I'm grappling with this because I honestly cannot tell if he really meant what he said at the time he said it or not. He swears he did not mean to say something 10 minutes after he said it. And it's not frequent, but what he says is divisive and painful. For example that I don't discipline my son and let him do whatever he wants, then that I never do anything around the house, then that he will never stop smoking pot every week (even though he told me when we got together romantically he was sober now and would only smoke weed "every once in a while"). He is very high anxiety and gets stressed and annoyed at the slightest thing. I feel like I am walking on eggshells.
> ...


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

AvaTara539 said:


> Mrs.G said:
> 
> 
> > I have a physical disability which is yet to be determined, I suffer from extreme fatigue and physical pain since late August of last year. I've been without health insurance the last few months but a hematologist I saw before we moved here suggested I may have internal bleeding exacerbating my generally mild anemia. I'm not going to lie either, I'm also a slob. But I do clean daily bc it is important to him. It's just I have so little energy and a son with ADHD, it gets crazy cluttered in a matter of an hour or two. But I do clean every day, much more than he knows.Have the doctors mentioned fibromyalgia? Your husband needs to be understanding of your condition!! He cannot expect you to be as clean as someone who isn't tired from being ill; at least you are making an effort!
> ...


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

AvaTara539 said:


> Mrs.G said:
> 
> 
> > I suffer from extreme fatigue and physical pain since late August of last year.
> ...


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> Thank you so much. It means a lot to me that people just understand how I feel. He talks to me like I am a prude about substances because I do not understand why people want to take them. I remind him of my family history and he just says "how is B (my son) going to know I do this if he's asleep when I do it?" or whatever... children are much smarter and more perceptive than adults give them credit for.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

MGirl said:


> AvaTara539 said:
> 
> 
> > I just wanted to send you big virtual (((HUG))) because I know how you feel. I've been dealing with chronic pain and fatigue since last October and have a little one at home as well. What happened to your insurance?
> ...


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

So my H and I had a discussion this morning. I realized he was saying harsh things or yelling because he emotionally cannot handle the disagreement occurring and wants to stop it, and he knows by offending me or being aggressive, I will become silent (as I am not the type to yell along with someone or lose control) and the confrontation will be over. I have to say ladies, I am totally calm when we disagree, but for him his stress level hits the roof in a matter of minutes, no matter how constructive or calm I am. He has agreed to see an MC about our communication, and he agrees that his approach is a problem.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Unless he suffers from a mental disorder or he's possessed by the devil, he chooses the words that come out of his mouth. Maybe he later regrets those words but when he said them, he meant them.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

AvaTara539 said:


> I'm grappling with this because I honestly cannot tell if he really meant what he said at the time he said it or not. He swears he did not mean to say something 10 minutes after he said it. And it's not frequent, but what he says is divisive and painful. For example that I don't discipline my son and let him do whatever he wants, then that I never do anything around the house, then that he will never stop smoking pot every week (even though he told me when we got together romantically he was sober now and would only smoke weed "every once in a while"). He is very high anxiety and gets stressed and annoyed at the slightest thing. I feel like I am walking on eggshells.
> 
> So I want to ask in your experience, and I will repost this in the men's lounge to get their advice as well, but do you think men mean it when they say harsh things?



So... wait a minute. You have a problem disciplining your son so that "he does whatever he wants" and your husband has a substance problem that he uses other things as an excuse to avoid fixing... and you think that he might not mean something when he says it is the problem?

The fact that you are walking on eggshells is the problem.


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## whynotme (May 18, 2010)

I'm sorry to hear about your physical situation, and I hope it gets better for you soon. Unfortunately, living with someone you have to walk on eggshells around is not going to help your stress level, or ultimately, your health.

I know of what I speak. My ex husband had 1)hair trigger temper 2)smoked weed before I met him and after I left him (told me he quit) 3)was emotionally abusive i.e., name calling, threatening, etc. 4) was an insomniac and a perfectionist at work and at home.

Now it may not be easy for you to just leave, as I would counsel you to do. You have a child and you are not in perfect health. But I encourage you to watch him closely, and ask yourself if you can live with what he is dishing out now for the rest of your life. I guarantee you _he will not change.

Think long and hard before you decide to stay in this situation, and remember the saying, "If somebody tells you who they are, believe them." Personally I would say get out as soon as you can.

Good luck.

-WNM_


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> So... wait a minute. You have a problem disciplining your son so that "he does whatever he wants" and your husband has a substance problem that he uses other things as an excuse to avoid fixing... and you think that he might not mean something when he says it is the problem?
> 
> The fact that you are walking on eggshells is the problem.


I'm having trouble deciphering what you're saying. NO I do not have a problem disciplining my son. My H is not used to being around children let alone step parenting, and my son has chronic ADHD and doesn't respond to consistent discipline the way a lot of children do (namely he still does the bad things and will not listen no matter how consistent and effective the discipline I am administering *should* be), So he said that to me out of frustration at not knowing what to do with my son because he doesn't IDK maybe 'absorb' the discipline the same way typical children do and because he's not used to raising children period. And yes I am absolutely 100% positive that I discipline my child! I don't believe in yelling and spanking but time outs, taking away privileges, early bed time, no juice or treats, etc, I use everything in the typical arsenal plus scheduling his day to be consistent as possible.

Yep my H uses substances sometimes and doesn't think it's a problem. Worse yet he doesn't think he is doing it to take his mind off of his anxiety.

The root of the problem is his anxiety and his expression of his anxiety, the saying things he doesn't mean was just something I posted bc I wanted to understand what might motivate someone to do that. He seems and I believe he is genuinely sorry for saying these things (which doesn't excuse it).


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Bottom line: HE DOESN'T HAVE GOOD SELF CONTROL OF HIS EMOTIONS, AND THAT IS HIS OWN PROBLEM. I cannot resolve that for him and I have made it clear I expect him to seek help for it because it is very destructive to our relationships. I am definitely, *definitely* not going to accept walking on eggshells any longer. After he got into it with me the other day and I told him to leave, I was just fed up, had it. We didn't talk again until this morning (when of course, he fully agreed with me and apologized vehemently, as usual), and I really don't think I'll know for sure until we do counseling if there's going to be any real change here.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

whynotme said:


> I'm sorry to hear about your physical situation, and I hope it gets better for you soon. Unfortunately, living with someone you have to walk on eggshells around is not going to help your stress level, or ultimately, your health.
> 
> I know of what I speak. My ex husband had 1)hair trigger temper 2)smoked weed before I met him and after I left him (told me he quit) 3)was emotionally abusive i.e., name calling, threatening, etc. 4) was an insomniac and a perfectionist at work and at home.
> 
> ...


_

I appreciate the advice, WNM!  All I want to do is to give him the opportunity to change. He said he does not even know why his stress level hits the roof so quickly and why he can't communicate well and he will go to counseling. To be honest I've been thinking about a plan B almost since the week after we married. But I want to do my best to abide by my commitment and give him the opportunity to seek help for himself, and I want us to talk to an MC to make sure I don't have any unreasonable expectations either. But don't fear that I will be a carpet for him  My son is the #1 guy in my life LOL, I know it is better he has no father figure than a crappy role model for one (I can speak personally on that matter, I love my dad but good lord the man should have never had kids). My son needs to learn how to respect women, not get dragged into the drugs and alcohol, and roll with the hard knock punches calmly ('cause life sure is full of punches ain't it! ). And if he's going to have a man in his life it needs to be a man who doesn't lose his patience with him every 5 seconds. 

Again, we'll see, with counseling. But his health insurance doesn't kick in for another 5 weeks or so. *fingers crossed*_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

AvaTara539 said:


> I'm having trouble deciphering what you're saying. NO I do not have a problem disciplining my son. My H is not used to being around children let alone step parenting, and my son has chronic ADHD and doesn't respond to consistent discipline the way a lot of children do (namely he still does the bad things and will not listen no matter how consistent and effective the discipline I am administering *should* be),


Gotcha. That is a challenge I am VERY familiar with. Big problem with ADHD boys is that they are often also very smart and can bust through anything but the best discipline. Couple of things that have helped me immensely:

- POSITIVE effective discipline. Traditional punishment / reward is good enough for many easy kids. Doesn't work as well with challenging kids. Book recommendations follow

- ROUTINES. Everything procedural. 

Amazon.com: discipline for life. getting it right with children

Amazon.com: Setting Limits: How to Raise Responsible, Independent Children by Providing Clear Boundaries (Revised and Expanded Second Edition) (0086874512122): Robert J. Mackenzie: Books

Amazon.com: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (9780380811960): Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish: Books





> So he said that to me out of frustration at not knowing what to do with my son because he doesn't IDK maybe 'absorb' the discipline the same way typical children do and because he's not used to raising children period. And yes I am absolutely 100% positive that I discipline my child! I don't believe in yelling and spanking but time outs, taking away privileges, early bed time, no juice or treats, etc, I use everything in the typical arsenal plus scheduling his day to be consistent as possible.


I am not sure what your typical arsenal is. Time out is a perfectly awesome technique for gaining emotional control. (Stupid as a means of punishment.) Taking away privileges that are related to the improper use of said privilege is very important. Have you accidentally mistaken positive with absence of consequence? 



> Yep my H uses substances sometimes and doesn't think it's a problem. Worse yet he doesn't think he is doing it to take his mind off of his anxiety.


But then will tell you he will stop to appease you?



> The root of the problem is his anxiety and his expression of his anxiety, the saying things he doesn't mean was just something I posted bc I wanted to understand what might motivate someone to do that.


I gotcha. I would bet my last dollar that he DOES mean the things he says when he says them then later says he does not in order to avoid recrimination. (Except in the case of telling you he will stop his drug use. He never means that. He is just trying to get you off his back.)




> He seems and I believe he is genuinely sorry for saying these things (which doesn't excuse it).


He probably is sorry for saying them. Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for getting "in trouble". But that does not mean he does not mean them.

From what I can read into your post (which does contain some inference that may be unfounded)

- You have a challenging situation with your son. Don't give up on that. I do feel your pain there. If you become a life long learner of effective parenting, you will do such a service to your son, to the peace in your family. I am in a constant state of looking for new information on child rearing. It helps! It really does. I wish you the best of luck with that as it is very challenging.

- Your husband's anxiety and perhaps other things causes difficulty for you. He says things that are hurtful to you. In this case, I would suggest 2 things

Your husband should look into more effective treatment for anxiety than weed. There are pharmaceutical and behavioral treatments that can help him A LOT. Then he can work on learning better communication skills. You don't have a great deal of control over his doing or not doing this. But some very non confrontational gee honey, I heard that they have made strides in helping people with anxiety disorders...

You could also, IF HE IS INTERESTED, make a fun together time out of learning about effective parenting. If he feels enabled to be a good parent, he is less likely to criticize you. Gee honey, I feel I am being an effective parent. He is such a challenging child. But why don't we take that class they are offering at the school? Maybe we will learn something useful. And if not, at least we had an evening out. I will ask Mom to watch Joey....

- But as it relates to his saying things to you that you don't like, there are 2 tools in your arsenal to develop.

Fire proof skin. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but the dumbass things he says can never hurt you. If you can learn that, then you have gone a long way to diffusing.

Read about, learn about effective limit setting in relationships. How to set and enforce your boundaries. When he says or does something that is untenable, what do YOU do to indicate that it is not ok with you? (Make sure you use this technique only on serious transgressions, not as a means to control his behavior overall.)

Hope matters improve for you!


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> Gotcha. That is a challenge I am VERY familiar with. Big problem with ADHD boys is that they are often also very smart and can bust through anything but the best discipline. Couple of things that have helped me immensely:
> 
> - POSITIVE effective discipline. Traditional punishment / reward is good enough for many easy kids. Doesn't work as well with challenging kids. Book recommendations follow
> 
> ...


I knew my son was ADHD from the time he was 2. He acted like a typical toddler but on speed  (the best description I ever heard of ADHD boys is "they are like a racecar without brakes"). His biological father is ADHD and I am ADD inattentive. I went through a rough few months but knowledge helped me overcome it. Truly the most effective method of "controlling" ADHD kids is lots of love and positivity, and praise. He is disciplined yes but the love far outweighs that. I know it would help my H so much if he could see how much worse my son's behavior was just a couple of years ago, he has come so far with all the hard work I've put into parenting.

I agree with the "sticks and stones and the dumbass things he says can never hurt you idea" and LOL'd at it, but he's a role model for my child, he's the one showing him how a man should treat a woman. I can't have him blatantly disrespecting me and yelling and losing control and my son thinking that's acceptable, because it's not. I won't tolerate it.

What is the "limit setting" stuff? Any time I so much as disagree with my H, no matter how constructively I do so, I am "lecturing" so I'm a little wary of the concept of introducing 'boundaries' with specific punishments or whatever. Last time he got into it with me I asked him to leave and that was a big punishment for him, he was very upset and mad at himself when he returned. So that kind of worked. Right now what I'm saying is I want an MC. That's the point it's gotten to for me. Just kind of hanging in marital limbo until his health insurance kicks in and we can get some professional advice. This board has helped me a lot though.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

AvaTara539 said:


> I knew my son was ADHD from the time he was 2. He acted like a typical toddler but on speed  (the best description I ever heard of ADHD boys is "they are like a racecar without brakes"). His biological father is ADHD and I am ADD inattentive. I went through a rough few months but knowledge helped me overcome it. Truly the most effective method of "controlling" ADHD kids is lots of love and positivity, and praise. He is disciplined yes but the love far outweighs that.


You act as if discipline and love are mutually exclusive. Good discipline IS love. And it is a tool that all kids need.

Sounds like you equate discipline with punishment. It isn't. Or shouldn't be. Seriously read the books.

My son is 10. He is every bit as ADHD as the next super ADHD kid. He is VERY well behaved. This has been achieved through a combination of GOOD discipline (avoiding barriers to cooperation, teaching and modelling solutions to problems, and allowing consequences... and more, read the books, really) as well as very good establishment of routines.

It SOUNDS like you are using ADHD as an excuse to not expect decent behavior from your child. It is not necessary. AND you will be helping him get along better in school and later in life if you do.

It WILL be harder than an easy kid. You WILL have to build in modifications to your expectations. 





> I know it would help my H so much if he could see how much worse my son's behavior was just a couple of years ago, he has come so far with all the hard work I've put into parenting.


Yay! Well my above paragraph may be full of horse crap then. Good to know.



> I agree with the "sticks and stones and the dumbass things he says can never hurt you idea" and LOL'd at it, but he's a role model for my child, he's the one showing him how a man should treat a woman. I can't have him blatantly disrespecting me and yelling and losing control and my son thinking that's acceptable, because it's not. I won't tolerate it.


Good. Not sure why anyone would get together with someone who did that in the first place... but that is another discussion.



> What is the "limit setting" stuff? Any time I so much as disagree with my H, no matter how constructively I do so, I am "lecturing" so I'm a little wary of the concept of introducing 'boundaries' with specific punishments or whatever.


I avoid the word punishment as it has heeps of baggage with it. Limit setting

If you cannot use your property properly, you cannot use your property (book, toy, whatever). It goes away until second chance time.

People who play, clean. No clean? If I have to clean it goes into the Saturday box not to come out again until Saturday.

You do not have the right to hurt another person. When you do, you must make remedy and amends. Apology as well as attempt to ease the hurt (whether mental or emotional).

Every member of the family shares in its resources. You are fed. You are clothed. You also contribute. You help with chores. (I confess I don't remember how I enforced the I really mean it when we first instituted that. Now it is just a given.)


These principles apply to us as well. If I don't eat the dinner I serve myself, I don't get dessert. If I forget my slippers in the living room, and DH or a kid has to clean it up, it goes in the Saturday box...


Seriously read the books. I am giving you a 50,000 foot overview.







> Last time he got into it with me I asked him to leave and that was a big punishment for him, he was very upset and mad at himself when he returned. So that kind of worked. Right now what I'm saying is I want an MC. That's the point it's gotten to for me. Just kind of hanging in marital limbo until his health insurance kicks in and we can get some professional advice. This board has helped me a lot though.


I am confused. I was talking about your son. I don't even remember the issues with yrou husband. There are books on enforcing personal boundaries in relationships. I had to do quite a lot of that with my husband (and he I) in the early days. I could write pages.

I will give a quickie

- Make sure you are only setting and enforcing limits on BIG things, important things. Let him have his pov/way whatever on little things. Don't get into the habit of right fighting over stupid stuff. You are trying to lighten up on any of the little naggy **** you think is important that probably isn't. The hope is to engender cooperation.

- Make sure you are making deposits to and not withdrawals from the love bank. 

- When you have to enforce a limit you tell him about it and the consequences. I feel angry when you are disrespectful to me (in front of so nor not). When you do, I will leave your presence. Do it. Rinse. Repeat.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> You act as if discipline and love are mutually exclusive. Good discipline IS love. And it is a tool that all kids need.
> 
> Sounds like you equate discipline with punishment. It isn't. Or shouldn't be. Seriously read the books.
> 
> ...


My question would be what would be the consequences? If you have any book recommendations for me about couples boundaries I would be happy to read them. To be honest with you I don't really need any parenting books. I kind of rock at that


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I did not know that there were any books when I did it. I was taking advice from folk on a group much like this one and winging it.

Our problmes in a nutshell were

- I resented him for not taking ANY responsibility for household or finances or ANYTHING. And I mean that! He never lifted a finger at home and spent like a mad person.

- He resented me because my nagging made him feel useless and I never wanted to have sex because I resented him.

I sat him down and using non confrontational language told him that things had to change or I was outta here. I used "I" phrases and the like. I did not blame or nag. I never once asked him to do anything. I told him what I was going to do.

- I was going to stop nagging him. I was going to give him the free time he wanted to do what he wanted. I had been told by the group that my not having sex with him probably felt like withholding. He said it did. So I said I would try and see if I could despite the resentment. (He was happy. But cautious since this did not seem like things have to change or I am outta here.)

- I told him that I was putting us on a budget, and since every time I had done that before in attempt to pay off out debt, he blew it off, I was putting him on an allowance. (Not happy here.) He had to cut up his card to the main checking account and get another. How much did he need for his needs and goof off money per month? I added about 10% to that to make sure his needs were met.

He tried to get me not to. He would just get better about it. I reminded him that we had already had this conversation at least 100 times, and that that ship had sailed.

- I am no longer cleaning up after him. If he leaves it out, and I want it gone, I will throw it in a bin in his room. When I do the laundry, I will throw his in a laundry basket in the laundry room....

Ok now he was PISSED. I was treating him like a child. I remained calm and told him that I did not know what else to do. I worked full time, as did he. I out earned him by an order of magnitude. It did not make sense to me that I also should be doing 100% of the housework, grocery shopping, bill paying. Did he have any other suggestions? I will just do more he said. We have tried that, you do for a day or two and stop. When you stop, I will move on to my plan of action. I offered to be a house wife. He did NOT like the idea of drop in income when we were trying to undo the damage caused by our immaturity.

I executed exactly as I said. I was cheerful. He had freedom from nagging. He had freedom to do what he wanted. (I had previously tried to control his time, feeling that any time he spent away from me was disrespectful. Madness.)

There were a bunch of minor things that helped ease. I learned about right fighting and how my point of view of what a husband was was different but no better than his. I lightened up about a lot of things, including his humor which i had thought again... disrespectful. He had not intended to be, so why did I need to interpret as such.

He felt that a lot of what I was doing was critical of him. And it was. Every time I tried to convince him I was RIGHT was a nag or a criticism. I just stopped.

Over time, the housekeeping thing he really got to SEE how much work went into running the house. He hated it at first. But he got on board.

And wonder of wonder, the debt finally went. He had learned how to spend a lot less. He got back on the bank account.

That was a process of a couple of years. But the friction went down pretty quickly. 

I did say that if I was doing for me, I was not going to make some arbitrary, punitive lack of doing for him. If I cooked dinner, I cooked for both. If I cleaned the bathroom, I washed the soap dish of the soap that he used and I didn't... I was not trying to be mean or spiteful, just reset the expectation that I was willing to do 100%.

He was not pleased. But he recognized


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