# How much of a drop off did you experience?



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Most relationships have that 'honeymoon' phase to them, where the sex is frequent, good and often varied. Eventualy, that drops off in most relationships.

I was wondering two things about this. Firstly, how much of a drop did you notice from your partner? Second, how much of a drop off did you notice in yourself?

This question came to mind after a short conversation I had with my fiancee. We somehow got on the topic of sex and how I had been interested in some extra-curricular activities that morning (a few hours earlier). Long story short, it didn't happen, but our conversation turned to general sex talk and we talked about how I'm in the mood a lot. She said something about some women being in the mood a lot too and I replied that "I've never met a women that's interested in sex a lot."

My fiancee said that she was interested a lot when we first started seeing each other, so I clarrified my comment by saying "Almost all women I've been involved with are like that at first, I meant interested a lot after the first six months or one year."

Didn't get a comment back on that, and it wasn't meant as a dig or anything, just my observation on the matter, and something that has only been reenforced on these forums by countless posters (often men) complaining of having a great sex life that went downhill rapidly after a while.

For me, I've only had two serious, long-term relationships, so I don't have as much experience in this issue as others do maybe, but in both cases I noticed this drop off. 

With the first relationship, it was with my now ex-wife. The first six months were fantastic sexually. Basically, everyday, multiple times a day. Then it started to decline...and decline...and decline. Eventually it dropped to maybe once a week or once every two weeks prior to marriage and after marriage it eventually dropped well below that. Three weeks or more at a time without sex was the norm.

And yes I know, that's my fault too. I should have recognized the problem and got out if I didn't like it.

In my current relationship, it was hot at first too. I still fondly remember times when my now fiancee would tell me her 'mind was in the gutter' if it had been three days since we last had sex, she wanted me so bad. That saying was her way of saying she was horny for me, big time.

After a while, that dropped off and at one point dropped down to once every two to three weeks as well. While that frequency has improved to 1-2 times a week, it's still a far cry from where her desire level was before. Also, 'other' stuff, like oral sex for example, has dropped way off as well. There has been a bit more different things, such as dress up or use of a toy, but those are also pretty rare.

So I'm just wondering how much of a drop off has occurred for other posters in present or past relationships. I'm not looking for a critique of my sex life, just input from others on this topic.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

First year of marriage:

3-5 times a week.

After the first year:

2-4 times a week.

We have more two times a week than we use to, and the very rare week comes along where we've only done it once. The only times we go more than a week without sex is if there has been separation due to travel.

We use to have more sex, but now we have _better_ sex. I physiologically could have sex every day, but I don't want to have it daily. I like our ebb and flow now, and it's actually a good thing to have some build between sessions. I think if we were having sex five or six times a week, every week, things would threaten to grow boring.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

King,

Not to criticize you again but I still have a problem with you being engaged to this woman.

I know you love her for many other reasons (as all of us HD folks do) but YOU have a choice. Most of us do too but the choice involves breaking up a family (something you've already been through)

Why in God's name are you looking to put yourself back in the same scenario you were before?

Sex is an important to you as evidenced by your postings. Have you asked your finance to attend any type of counseling regarding her deminished sex drive? If not, you should or consider either ending the engagement or having a pre-nup should this issue continue after the marriage.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Once we got over the couple of months of seemingly 3 times day phase our frequency (3 to 5 a week) remained fairly constant for 5 or 6 years until the death of a parent and a few years later 9/11. We're now in a pretty good place now, it's 1 to 2 most weeks. We do say quality not quantity, and I think we now also realize how important it is to the relationship. Sure it was alway loving and fun but I think we now see the "glue" being applied.

We're fortunate that we've been pretty in synch.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

During our honeymoon phase and with a newborn daughter (we were blessed that she slept through the night early one), we had sex almost every day. 

Six years after we got married, we make love every other day. I think it averages out to about 4 times a week. Many times, it is more than 1 a day. We're both happy and satisfied with that.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> King,
> 
> Not to criticize you again but I still have a problem with you being engaged to this woman.
> 
> ...


A pre-nup has already been agreed to and will be drafted up prior to the wedding. 

While I'm not saying that the issue of sex isn't a big problem for me, I will say that it is one million times better than what I had before with my ex-wife. I can at least talk to my fiancee about the topic of sex without getting freaked on.

The real issue right now is those 'talks' are beginning to spark only short-term change (IE, things improve for a week or two, then go back to before) and the progress in other areas, such as being more open in the bedroom to other things, has been slow. 

As you have guessed, I am very much in love with this women and things are pretty much perfect outside the bedroom. We get along great, and have a wonderful relationship I feel, something I didn't come close to having in my marriage. So I am going to try and fix this sex issue if I can. That's why I'm here and I think it's been helping a bit so far. That said, I am prepared to make it a line in the sand so to speak as no, I do not want to go down that road again, constantly wanting sex, wondering what is wrong with me, what I can change, etc. (you know the drill) while locked into a marriage that leaves me happy in many areas, but unfulfilled in one big area.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Over 35 years, some ups and downs, but we're now at about 3 times a week and that's pretty close to the average over the entire relationship.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

We had ebbs and flows to for different reasons(his drive has been consistant and high) but for me personally my actual "drive" desire for sex(really WANTING to have sex LOL) has increased since my teens and 20's and 30's and is more consistant..its not just "frequency" though but the intensity of the cravings themselves..from mildish with an occassional cat in heat feeling..to its cat in heat or nothing at all..LOL!!!The only other time I felt this way was when I was pregnant..

So now you have met a woman..who dropped off ..picked up..dropped off ..and picked up to now a level of interested in sex a "lot' that exceeds anything in the past..and I've been with the same man since i was in my teens Im in my 40's...and married to him for 24 years..

I guess my main point is I enjoy sex more now than I ever did in the past..Not that I never enjoyed it at all..Just that I never DONT enjoy it a LOT every single time it happens with us ..BUT I still dont "feel that way" every single day..Like I think he does..

I think in the very beginning we did it more than now..but i didnt enjoy it the same as I do now..Back then i think it was "more" sex but I wasnt in it for me(at all) ..I was just doing "it" more than half the tiem at least because it was easier than fighting him off..Or beign treated like **** if I didnt..Which in the end (or in the process) caused resetnment because I completely resented that he wanted "more" than I wanted but then expected me to be in the throws of heated passsion when it just wasnt so ...He wanted genuine and "real" when genuine and real would have been me faking it..He would get MAD at me if I didnt orgasm as an example..

Anyway Im rambling..sex is BETTER for me anyway LOL>>>than it was 20 years ago...the only thing to I think he feels that way too..including in 'discussions" he has told me he can "be himself" with me and feels "comfortable' and "unihibited" ...

[QUOTEWe use to have more sex, but now we have better sex. ][/QUOTE]

BINGO! Just caught that..you said it easier than I did ...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> We do say quality not quantity, and I think we now also realize how important it is to the relationship.


Another BINGO!

I would rather make the porn stars jealous than have "more sex"..and in my "atmoshpere" that takes a little anticipation ..


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

First drop off came durng her first pregnancy. Then it picked back up when the baby was born. Big drop off during the second pregnancy and afterwards. Truthfully, things just started to 
Ick up for the better of late and it's been over 10 years of low points with a few spurts here and there.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> The real issue right now is those 'talks' are beginning to spark only short-term change (IE, things improve for a week or two, then go back to before)
> 
> *I hear you on this issue. It's the exact same dynamic I have with my wife*
> 
> As you have guessed, I am very much in love with this women and things are pretty much perfect outside the bedroom. We get along great, and have a wonderful relationship I feel, something I didn't come close to having in my marriage. So I am going to try and fix this sex issue if I can. That's why I'm here and I think it's been helping a bit so far. That said, I am prepared to make it a line in the sand so to speak as no, I do not want to go down that road again, constantly wanting sex, wondering what is wrong with me, what I can change, etc. (you know the drill) *Yes I Sure DO!* while locked into a marriage that leaves me happy in many areas, but unfulfilled in one big area.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

For the wife.. It was a slow drawn out drop off of the sex starting at the proposal and three month engagement. So dating was public sex, bj’s, and wild child stuff. Engaged limited it to our house. After marriage, it became only at night in the bedroom. After first year, ‘special menu’ was gone, missionary, lights off, under the covers. First child... not much; like twice a month. Second child; Felt used for the pregnancy.. Daily until positive, then maybe once a month. Third child; went without anything for almost a year. Then maybe 8-9 times a year after that for the next five years... Then, somewhere in there, her low libido was apparently associated with just me; Adulterous wife was having sex at least once a week, sexting, and had a high drive outside the marriage. At home.... nothing changed.

Me; It didn’t wain. High drive throughout the marriage. Until...about a year after my discovery of her affairs. Had the hyperbonding thing going on for awhile, then.... I just didn’t want sex with her all that much. Still do, then don’t. Weird... I’ll want and have sex a half dozen times over a few days, then want nothing for a month. Now I’m hung up on wanting something ‘special’ and normal sex I’ll just turn down. Frustrating and I am unsure if its related or not to the affairs or changes in me (porn also doesn’t turn me on like it used to for instance)... Its not a performance thing, it’s a not wanting sex and being fine with that thing. And it is getting progressively worse.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

kingsfan said:


> Most relationships have that 'honeymoon' phase to them, where the sex is frequent, good and often varied. Eventualy, that drops off in most relationships.
> 
> I was wondering two things about this. Firstly, how much of a drop did you notice from your partner? Second, how much of a drop off did you notice in yourself?
> 
> ...



While we were dating - once or twice a day

After marriage- dropped down to once or twice a week, shorty after I said I DO - Was like this for the first 10 years of marriage.

years 10-12 once a month

years 12-14- once every 2 months or less!

Now - about once a week or less.

I would also like to add. That i don't feel the same about my husband after the major drop off 5 years ago. I don't feel the connection with him anymore. I also do not get the butterflies when i think about him or when i see him after he comes home from work.. I guess you can say that i am emotionally disconnected from him.


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## sethbrawnl (Aug 22, 2012)

Six years after we got married, we make love every other day


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She left her sex drive at the wedding ceremony. It's been like trying to fish in the desert ever since.


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## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

After each kid (3) the sex dropped off pretty bad---now the youngest is three and we average about 5x's a week. We have been married 11.5 years and our marriage and sexlife get better every year. My wife has a lower sex drive the me but at the same time she realizes how important sex is to a happy marriage.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

We've been together 25 years, married 22.

We probably average 3-4 times a week... on weekends we can go several rounds in one of those sessions...if we're lucky and the kids are busy and the phones off the hook and all the planets are aligned.

I've always been HD and so is H and we also both enjoy being touchy feely and affectionate. We're a good match in this regard.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Everyone has sex like rabbits when young and dating, so we are all the same there. The difference is what happens down the road.

It ebbs and flows now anywhere from 1-2 times a week now, but we are unconventional as my wife works 2 nights a week.

We have 4 kids with violin, taekwondo, both work 50hrs/wk, gymnastics, soccer, so it's more about just being worn out and she is in school too!!!

When we take vacations together 1-2 times a year we will have sex everyday.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

this thread is making me depressed...


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Since she was pregnant when we got married at 16 & 17 so our story is a bit different. We had a baby right away. I had no clue how to treat a woman. To top it off my sex drive was on overdrive. I wanted it every day. Not so much with her. There was the quilt with the pregnancy, school to finish, a new baby...you get the picture. I can't recall how many times but I remember being very frustrated. 

But we kept at it. I slowly learned what she needed to feel loved. I learned that, although she seemed disinterested in sex, she really got into it once we started (responsive desire). There is more, but after 40 years of marriage we average 3 times a week and every day when we are away on a romantic trip. 

For those of you who find this thread depressing, mant times lack of sex is a symptom of a deeper problem. Work on that and the sex will often improve. It also helps that both people meet the others needs in an unselfish way.

Today the sex is awesome, but it took a lot of work to get here.


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