# Living in limbo-land....how does one know when it is time to move on?



## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

Here are my details..long story made short.

Married/together total 9 yrs.
3 children (2 together, one from previous relationship)

During our time together our relationship has always been quite unhealthy, rocky and dysfunctional. My HB was very emotionally/financially/verbally abusive, and controlling to me up until the last few months, when he realized how serious our MG was in trouble. I had an emotional affair, and that woke him up to see how serious it really was, now he is doing everything I ever wanted, and being the dream husband I have always wanted. This change has gone on for 3 months now, but I still feel nothing. I have had periods of time when I thought this might be salvageable, with glimmers of hope here and there, but I always come back to feeling thins sense that it is too late and feel that my feelings have changed completely. I no longer have the will to work on things, and feel tapped and drained right out from being the one all these years trying to 'fix' the MG.I don;t even want to talk to or be around him anymore.

We are reading books on marriage, and self improvement, going to individual/marital councelling and my HB wants to keep trying. Sadly my heart is no longer in this, and all I can think about is getting out. It is like nothing he says, or does resonates with me, and nothing makes a difference. I still want out. 
I have a huge fear of breaking up my family, as well as what I will do financially as many wives do that stay at home with the kids with little income or resources. I feel trapped, like I have no option but to stay and be halfway out the door so to speak. I don't even know if it is possible to feel like fixing this anymore. I have so much anger, and resentment for the way he treated me in the past and I feel I can not get passed it.I look at him, and see a stranger, and feel nothing. Is there hope? Any advice would be helpful.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

The only way I know out of anger and resentment is through forgiveness. Reckon you should try forgiving him. I wrote down every "abuse" and went off to a church to go through my forgiveness process.

Doesn't mean to continue to open up to continued abuse. To not be abused is why we establish personal boundaries. Doesn't mean to continue with your marriage either.

Anger and resentment are there for a reason and the reasons usually mean "change". Change in either who you are and staying in your marriage or change in that you'll leave your marriage and start over again.

Anger and resentment are motivators for change, but both are very negative. I took the path to be rid of the anger and resentment so I could see the past and future clearly and then make my life changing decisions.

Bob


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## Bigsigh (Oct 26, 2009)

My words of advice would be this.....pick up the book "how to improve your marriage without talking about it". Councelling often brings out even more blame and shame, this book lets you know very clearly what is going on and what can be done about it. Wish I had read this book years ago......


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

I know how you feel flowergirl. My W is the same way, she has woken up but it's too much too late. I say that because she really has done EVERYTHING I have asked for. So I feel guilty about not even caring about the change. I am just scarred and tired.

Sometimes the relationship is just over and there's nothing you can do.


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## flowergirl77 (Jun 8, 2010)

What I am struggling with is how can I walk away when my HB is doing all that he can do to save the MG? If he was still being abusive to me, it would make the decision a lot easier.

We are giving each other space, plan to keep reading and giving it more time-but I just can't picture going back to where I still cared.

So much hurt has happened-and if I could wave a magic wand to make all the memories of the hurt disappear so I could forgive and move on, I would.When I look at him, I see the man that has hurt me so deeply, despite all the changes he has made, it isn't shifting my feelings. I feel so emotionally drained and want peace, and am not sure if I can get that if we stay married.

How do you get passed 8 years of hurt and abuse? He never put a hand on me, but has crushed my soul, and spirit.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You're feeling the same way I did about my wife. But it was so much easier for me to separate because I don't have dependent children.

Sometimes a good question to ask yourself is if this had happened to your best friend, what advice would you give her?

It's a good question to ask because when you think about the answer you kind of detach from the situation as a 1st person and look back into your marriage as a third person looking in.

I draw two people, I'm no artist so they're stick people, one's me, the other's my wife. You may want to include you're children in the picture. I write key words and phrases around each person in the picture, the words and phrases just seem to come. It's a visualisation technique of you're current circumstances. It helps you indentify the key issues and from there maybe the best solution for you and your children.

Bob


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## aawin (Sep 7, 2010)

flowergirl ~ when I read your post I thought I wrote it! I am also emotionally drained and can't get over how my dh has treated me, up until 2 weeks ago when he did his 180 and has become mr super dad/husband. In my heart I know it's over but my mind is telling me to stay for our 3 children, never mind the fact when I look at him I want to puke.

Unfortunately, I have no advice to give as I am struggling with the very same issue myself. It is very comforting to know Im not the only one. I wish you the best of luck!


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

aawin said:


> flowergirl ~ when I read your post I thought I wrote it! I am also emotionally drained and can't get over how my dh has treated me, up until 2 weeks ago when he did his 180 and has become mr super dad/husband. In my heart I know it's over but my mind is telling me to stay for our 3 children, never mind the fact when I look at him I want to puke.
> 
> Unfortunately, I have no advice to give as I am struggling with the very same issue myself. It is very comforting to know Im not the only one. I wish you the best of luck!


OMG I could be you. Both of you.


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## JHELP (Aug 29, 2010)

Flowergirl- I am a man and am experiencing what you are feeling from my wife. She refuses any marriage therapy so I applaud you for giving it a shot. From my point of view I can tell you that your husbunds turn around sounds like it may very well be real. I had the same wake up call when my wife told me she wanted a divorce . Unfortunetly are communication was really bad especially from her when it came to voicing her anger or hurt to things I was doing. If she would have ever sat me down and said this needs to change or we can't be with each other I would done it right away.

Do you think you may be afraid to open your heart and mind to him again becuase you are afraid of being hurt again? Also maybe feeling nothing for him in your mind is better then feeling hurt again? I am not trying to tell you how you feel or even to forgive but it sounds like you will have to forgive in your heat and mind to mover forward. It took years for you to feel the way you do so 3 months of the super Dad/husband may not be enough time for your healing. Some sent a article called Walk Away women? You may be this person and I would suggest you read it. It is on marriagebuilders.com.One of the things it say is that men who have this wake up call are are real about and want to change usually make great 2nd husbands from what they have learned and because they are real about change. So the question becomes can you forgive and live happily with him or maybe he will be that great 2nd husband if you leave him. 

I also have two kids and am trying to do everything to save my 19 year family and marriage. Best of luck to you as you try to figure this all out. Really amazing that everyones story are so similar if not the same. What a shame we are all on this website.


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## Numbinside (Sep 11, 2010)

Wow I could have written this! My husband completely changed after I told him I wanted a separation. He's doing all the things I wish he would have done all along. Now I feel it is too late too.


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

Numbinside said:


> Wow I could have written this! My husband completely changed after I told him I wanted a separation.  He's doing all the things I wish he would have done all along. Now I feel it is too late too.


It's amazing how many of us are experiencing this. My wife is doing the same. I sat her down and told her it was over and I had rented an apartment. After days of talks she decided that she was ready to recommit and change everything. She has for the most part, but some of her previous behaviors are back. (she said she would work on her weight due to her obesity but has quit eating right and going to the gym already)

Things seem to be going better but I can't be intimate with her. She gets pecks on the lips at the most and I just can't have sex with her. I don't have a reason I just don't want to. I don't feel anything sexually towards her anymore.

I feel like I was disconnected too much last time and I was actually done and she just talked me into staying and I agreed because of fear, guilt and obligation. I don't know if it will get better or worse at this point.

I am TRYING but there's only so much I can do. I was wonderhusband for 4 years and she was horrible. So maybe I just got too burned out. We will see.

There's nothing I can say to make your situation better flowergirl77, all I can say is there are many of us in the same situation and we feel for you. I hope you find what you are looking for and find the strength to do whatever you need to in order to be happy.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Flower: I've said this before give it time, but if u are done just leave, make sure though that u have exhausted every effort with your hb that u will not have regrets, good luck, u know where to find me.


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## Holly (Sep 13, 2010)

I am a married woman for 16 years with 2 children. This is totally my life. My husband has bent over backwards for me ever since I told him I was done. Now I feel guilty that I would be letting my family down if I decide to leave and ruin my childrens spirit. My marriage has never been all that great. We have not been intimate for about 5 years- probably both of our faults. I have been so bitter and angry about the lack of love in our marriage life, it got to the point where I had an affair about 6 months ago and thought if it got to that it should really be over. I've been seeing a counsler-don't know if that is really helping or not, because I'm so undecided what I want to do about my marriage. Sometimes I feel I'm just staying because of the kids and the thought of losing my house. At what point does one person decide to think about themselves for once?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Holly, do you need permission? Okay, you have it.


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## the last straw (Sep 13, 2010)

i've done the same as you women. my life was in limbo for about 5 years coz i wasn't sure i knew or trusted my feelings.
limbo is a hard place to be. it meant for me that i was totally obsessed with the need to leave. yet i waited and tried and tried. therapy and daily determination. which all got me back to the same point. but no one else can tell you when you are ready.
so how do you know? when the fears are dwarfed by your need to leave now, they don't matter anymore. you'll make it work in your new independence and you're willing to pay the price. any price for your freedom and to be calm and serene. that ou took care of yourself. that you deserve better. that you tried your best and it didn't work so it's time to move on.


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