# please dont judge, I am confused and need help



## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

ok, to keep this post as simple as possible I will only type the basic info and my problem. Any questions are more than welcome, I only ask that no one judges me for this as I have not done anything intentionally wrong... 
ok here goes.. so about a year ago I finally got the guy that everyone warned me about that I was SO in love with to be exclusive. It lasted a month and he went back to his exwife. I didnt fight it. if someone choses someone else, fine. I moved on with my life. we were only officially together 1 month so I didnt realize the impact he had on me I guess (we had been "bed buddies" for 6 months prior to the month together) but here I am, 9 months into another relationship with someone i love, someone my kids love, someone good to me, good for me, all around AMAZING... things were great for a while. great enough for a move in, a proposal a yes and a set wedding date. but now i find myself thinking about the other guy. i dont want him. i dont. i want over him. i just dont know the steps to go about getting over him. the guy i am with now is who i want. but it is like i cant love him the way he needs to be loved bc of the feelings i have for the other guy. someone please help. like i said, questions welcome and I will answer any and all to the best of my ability. i have an appointment with a psych and a conselor in a week, I am willing to do ANYTHING to get this man out of my heart head and hormones! I want to make a life with my fiance and i am robbing him and my kids of happiness bc i cant find happiness. i just feel strange going to a psych or conselor to get over an ex. thanks for reading. i will be waiting!


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

There is nothing strange about counseling to get over a relationship
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

I am relieved to hear that. do you have any suggestions in the meantime? i feel I am harming our relationship more and more each day. i sleep on the couch, i dont want affection from him... all i want is x


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Write a letter to the ex of all the hurt he caused and burn it....let him go with the letter...just kind of symbolic, since you know you don't want the jerk back. Also sometimes it held o see things in black and white, write two lists one of the good things from that reltionship and one of the bad....burn them too, but the bad will be visually longer. Then write. List of all the things you love bout your current man, physical, emotional, good memories reasons you fell in love ect....keep that one 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

Ok those R both amazing ideas. However the problem is no closure. So the only bad thing i could ever say about ex (victor) is that he left. That is the only thing...


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Do not marry the guy if you're not over your ex. Call off the wedding until you get your head on straight. I suspect if the other guy walked into your life and suddenly professed his "love" to you, you'll dump your fiancée without a second thought or cheat on him. No one wants to be the back up choice. He deserves someone that wants to be with him and you visa versa. 

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I've seen this happen all too often and it always ends in broken hearts.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Look at it from this perspective. You are your ex's second choice. You are your fiancé's FIRST choice. There should be no confusion.
You have put your fiance in second place. I guess you can see how he must feel.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

jaclynnbaker said:


> Ok those R both amazing ideas. However the problem is no closure. So the only bad thing i could ever say about ex (victor) is that he left. That is the only thing...


How about : he cheated on you with his ex? 
He dumped you and went to another woman.
He doesn't care if you are over him or not. He moved on with his life, and chose not to have you in it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

This is the harshness i asked people to refrain from. I did not ask for these feelings or this siruation and i am trying alone to fix it. My fiance is not an innocent bistander. He does his part, or else i would have forgotten abt ex by now. Ex does care. Up until i blocked him from my phone he was begging me to take him back. And he did NOT cheat.


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

And i cant and wont call of the wedding. There are kids involved that love my finace. I do too. So no way there. I guess i will just wait till my appt and ask a professional. Thanks anyway.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

jaclynnbaker said:


> My fiance is not an innocent bistander. He does his part, or else i would have forgotten abt ex by now.


Don't understand this part.Are you back-tracking a bit on all the great things you said about fiance in your OP?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

so many lives going to be affected...


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

I guess i am backtracking or whatever you say. I am just sayin that he knows the ex and instead of lettibg him die with the relationahip abd thr move 3000 miles away. He has talked about him more than i have thought about him in the last 9 months... Doesnt mean he isnt great. And no ones affected, i am fixing this, just wish i wasnt having to do it alone.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

jaclynnbaker said:


> This is the harshness i asked people to refrain from.


JB, you asked us not to judge. I did not see any judgement in the replies. You did get some advice, some situational comparisons, some ideas, and some criticism that you may not have wanted.
People here are blatantly honest. We pride ourselves on that.

If you simply want someone to say what you want to hear, ask Oprah.
A lot of advice you get here is raw, honest, and unsympathetic. That does not mean that people don't care or think that you are a bad person.


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

Im not gonna ask Oprah. For 1 i cant obviously... And 2 i dont value her opinion. I guess i expected better advice. Sorry. No one is perfect and by calling my fiance amazing i did not mean perfect. And i honestly dont know that my x is the reason i am emotionally unavailable, but i am diving into that first. Bc imho regardless it needs addressed. This [email protected] does not deserve to have me (a great woman) hung up on him.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

It's clear you're in pain over this and it's good about the psych and counselor.Your fiance I'm sure is feeling the effects of this,but the fact he's still there shows he must be supportive to you.Have you thought about exactly what type of closure you're looking for...is it because you want to know why he left?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jaclynnbaker said:


> This is the harshness i asked people to refrain from. I did not ask for these feelings or this siruation and i am trying alone to fix it. My fiance is not an innocent bistander. He does his part, or else i would have forgotten abt ex by now. Ex does care. Up until i blocked him from my phone he was begging me to take him back. And he did NOT cheat.


No one is being harsh. They are pointing out things that you can wrap your head around to get you to see your ex in a different light. They are trying to help.


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

Not really. I know why he left. The reason makes it worse. And yes my fiance is supportive. Very supportive. I need help seeing the bad in the x and seeing the otherside but i think i just need to talk to the professional.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jaclynnbaker said:


> This is the harshness i asked people to refrain from. I did not ask for these feelings or this siruation and i am trying alone to fix it. My fiance is not an innocent bistander. He does his part, or else i would have forgotten abt ex by now. Ex does care. Up until i blocked him from my phone he was begging me to take him back. And he did NOT cheat.


How long ago did you block your ex's calls?

Have you been feeling like this about your ex the whole time you have been dating your fiance? Or did the feelings start up again? What do you think got them started up again?

I think people got the idea from a previous post that your ex cheated when he left you to go back to his ex. I know when I read that it made me think that he was not very fair to you at all. It's a reasonable response.

What's happened that after leaving you for his ex, he tried to get back with you?

One of the best ways I know to stop obsessing on someone is that everytime they come to your mind... first think about something painful they did to you and feel that pain. Then think of the good with your fiance and how me makes you feel good.

What does your fiance think you are doing when you sleep on the couch?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jaclynnbaker said:


> Not really. I know why he left. The reason makes it worse. And yes my fiance is supportive. Very supportive. I need help seeing the bad in the x and seeing the otherside but i think i just need to talk to the professional.


Why did he leave? Why does it make it worse?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

jaclynnbaker said:


> And i cant and wont call of the wedding. There are kids involved that love my finace. I do too. So no way there. I guess i will just wait till my appt and ask a professional. Thanks anyway.


You won't sleep in his bed or have sex with him! How can you say you love him if you are rejecting him like that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

well he admitted himself this morning. took me 7 hrs over the phone to keep him from killing himself. what do i do now???


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## SolitaryConfinement (Jun 20, 2012)

I hope he finds the help he needs. I am with someone who suffers severe depression, and working thru events like this are very difficult. Please understand, I am not trying to judge as i say the following: you mentioned that you were not going to cancel the wedding because there are kids involved (one of several reasons) - please understand if you are still being pulled in different emotional directions, you are not ready for marraige. In the end, you will regret your decision, and your kids will be more affected than they will be if you call off or delay your wedding plans. As long as you feel the way about your ex, you will never be able to give the love you should to a husband. If one cannot give themselves completely, and accept the other completely, there is no reason to marry. 

I think that if you continue with your plans to seek out a professional, you will find that they assist greatly in bringing clarity to a situation. in turn makes it easier to see what the right answer is, not the answer we want to be right.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

It sounds like your brain and heart are in two different places. 

Your heart loves your ex. The guy, that left you, for his ex-wife. And you asked me to withhold judgement, but I can't withhold this. You sound like a booty call for him. A month long relationship? That is the duration of high school relationships. 

But your brain tells you to love your fiance. The guy that has a future, and cares about you and your kids. 

I honestly doubt you'll be happy with your current fiance. You want the other man that left you. Well, make a choice. You can have what the heart wants, or what the brain wants. But not both. 
I would tell you, break it off. You said you won't, but are you happy now? Because it sounds like you are miserable. You won't be any happier 5 years down the line. You'll be miserable, with a husband that feels unloved, and you'll feel empty. 

Do a big favor for both of you, and stop the wedding, please. It is easier to hear it now, than 5 years down the line. 
Plus, the other guy you are with won't have put 5 years into a dead relationship.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

I had an ex girlfriend, who dumped me in college for her then fiance, call to invite me to her wedding 4 years later, and before she hung up, she said she had never gotten over me and still loved me. I remember feeling so badly for her soon to be husband. I had no idea what to say to that--I was flabbergasted and thinking how glad I wasn't the guy getting unknowingly stuck with that kind of crazy mess.

She ended up quasi-stalking me while married.

Don't you dare marry if you don't know FOR SURE what you want!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lily24 (Nov 19, 2011)

I think it is hard to get over someone you cared deeply for, even if the person isn't the greatest of people. It kind of is a grieving process in a way to let someone go. I know from experience that the old phrase "the heart grows fonder with distance" does have some truth to it. I think maybe you might be remembering good memories or things you like about the other guy but might be forgetting some of the bad times or qualities. I do not think there is an easy way to forget about someone. You do however, if you want to be with your fiance, which i believe you do, have to actively place your focus on that relationship. Try to focus more energy in the relationship with your fiance. If you find yourself thinking about the other guy, try to focus on something about your fiance instead or maybe take up a new hobby. Make sure you appreciate what you do have. There is a reason you have been with him this long after all... 


Good Luck


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## Lily24 (Nov 19, 2011)

Don't you dare marry if you don't know FOR SURE what you want!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

:iagree: I do agree with this. you owe it to yourself and your fiance to be honest. Do not get married if part of you is not sure.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

If you are attracted to men who treated you like crap and have something against a man who loves you, you can change that. If I were giving your new man advice, I'd tell him to leave and I was sad to see how poorly you treated the nice guy, "i feel I am harming our relationship more and more each day. i sleep on the couch, i dont want affection from him all i want is x."


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

I don't think you will like my question....


First this -



jaclynnbaker said:


> And i cant and wont call of the wedding. There are kids involved that love my finace. I do too. So no way there.


Then to remind you what you said earlier



jaclynnbaker said:


> i find myself thinking about the other guy [OM]................ i cant love him [fiance] the way he needs to be loved bc of the feelings i have for the other guy.



It is obvious that you are still hung up over your previous lover. Is it possible you only want your fiance as a stable financial provider for your kids and not as your husband? :scratchhead:

(If you want to be fair to your fiance don't marry him until you are really in love with him)


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## Molly777 (Jun 26, 2012)

jaclynnbaker said:


> Im not gonna ask Oprah. For 1 i cant obviously... And 2 i dont value her opinion. I guess i expected better advice. Sorry. No one is perfect and by calling my fiance amazing i did not mean perfect. And i honestly dont know that my x is the reason i am emotionally unavailable, but i am diving into that first. Bc imho regardless it needs addressed. This [email protected] does not deserve to have me (a great woman) hung up on him.


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## Molly777 (Jun 26, 2012)

Maybe--you could ask yourself some questions?

Am I totally in love with this man I'm going to marry?
Who do I see myself growing old with?

If your ex had these feelings for you--would he have left?

Really look--at your last statement--does he deserve a great woman?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jaclynnbaker said:


> well he admitted himself this morning. took me 7 hrs over the phone to keep him from killing himself. what do i do now???


Who admitted himself? 

What has been going on?

Are you still reading here?


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

While having sex/orgasm, the human brain releases” bonding chemicals” Oxytocin and dopamine. That’s why you are attached to the ex bf………. Oxytocin and dopamine are also released when a mother has a baby, again bonding chemicals


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Read up on relationship grief. You can google this for some good articles. It helps you focus on what did not work about the relationship (and what did, and can work just as well if not better in the new relationship) rather than the person. It's possible to be sort of addicted to a person, either for psychological or physical reasons. Either way, dealing with relationship grief rather than getting over a particular person is easier and puts things in a better perspective. The thing is, even if you were with this person that you miss, when you get together with him (theoretically) there is a relationship. Obviously it didn't work. Because you had to 'get' him to be exclusive, and then he obviously didn't really discuss it with you or even attempt to work with you to bring a mutually agreeable resolution to the relationship. It sounds like he just dropped you. So probably the communication in that relationship as well as the respect was lacking in some way. A keeper (for someone if not you, as not all relationships work out) would have DISCUSSED the issue with you before going back to his ex, and would have cared about your feelings and helped to bring about a resolution/end to the relationship that would not have left you hanging. If nothing else, that alone should show that this is not really a relationship worth grieving over. It sounds a bit like sour grapes to me, but I think instead you should be grateful he went back to his ex. And his ex, taking him back, that kind of person who just drops a lover on her butt and walks away? I bet she was kind of addicted to him too, and wanted him back for the same reason you do. He's likely some kind of player who presents a challenge to women and knows how to manipulate to get them to chase him, then they're too ashamed to admit that they were chasing some kind of illusion, like a giant trash bag filled with rotting garbage that was manifesting as though it were some perfect man (there is none...but there can be near-perfect relationships...and make sure you don't throw one out with the trash due to some bizarre addiction to bad personalities that you can't have anyway.)


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## kgirl (Sep 5, 2012)

Please, please, don't marry until all of this is resolved. You're unsure... thats why you're on here. I do know how you feel. After a 2 year relationship disolved with the man I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I thought I was ok, ready to conquer the world... Although inside I knew I was actually devestated like never before. Deeply. I moved on too quickly. Probably to help the hurting. To try to fill a void. I married a man who is wonderful to me. He'd do anything for me. But it was too soon, I didn't have time to heal. It IS like grief. Just running into the gentleman from before shatters my everything, even now, just a glimpse of him. I can relate to you, because, I did not have time to heal from it. And, I still long for him, and draw away from my husband because of it, just like you said you do. I have good days. I have bad days. You have received some wonderful advice on here. My marriage would be great - we've been married over a year, if I had waited. If it were not overshadowed by a memory of another... every time I see him around town. I want to physically move actually, I feel like thats the only way to move on and make my marriage work. I should have waited... I ask you to wait... Its not working out so well for me. Or my husband. You, too, need to time to heal, closure, and be able to totally devote to your husband and love him completely, before you marry. You have to get over your ex first. Completely. Take the time you need. Or, neither of you will be happy. I can tell you how it will really be... because I am living it.


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