# When to stop paying child support?



## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

a little background. I have a daughter from my first marriage...he has two sons. Hubby adopted my daughter..Sons call me mom, and even their birth mom refers to me as the other mother. Anyway..long story short. Youngest lives with birth mom. He is turning legal age, and she refuses to push him for school. At this point he is in part time alternative ed. Basically two hours of school a day, and she has not provided us proof that he is actually attending (kicked out of normal highschool for repeated habitual truancy)

Anyway. He also has never held a job. Other son and daughter have worked since they were 14 yrs old part time, and finished highschool and boy works full time at a not great job..but its a job right! 

Eldest son is 22. And he moved home with us this past weekend as he cannot afford to live on his own and his roommate lost job and is moving home to parents too. 

So. We will not be charging him to live here as we feel if he can save up some money maybe he can better support himself in future..maybe return to school and get a trade. 

So we have been paying support for years for youngest son, but there is no order of support..we just agreed on a sum...and have paid it faithfully, even in advance sometimes if she needed it. 

In our province the law clearly states that child support can be ended at 18 yrs old if the child is not in full time school. Our wish would be that he would return to school and we would certainly resume child support, but given his track record and the fact his mother is a drop out and doesn't seem to care...well...not likely to happen.

I guess my question is. Should we just keep paying, or should we end it? The way I am looking at it right now, Is that we have one adult child living with us,, and she has one drop out about to become adult living with her. I know she will say that he is not working so cannot even buy his own clothes..whereas other son has his own car..pays his own gas insurance clothes wants ect.

My thought is that it is not our issue that she has let him live the lazy life. Buys him online time for his xbox...lets him play games all night then fiegn sick for school all the time. The two that have lived with us thru the teens knew that as a teen, the basics would be provided..but if they wanted all the newest toys..most expensive jeans,, money for the movies ect..well. they had to get a part time job. Which they did..and I believe that it builds character and teaches them the value of money and a job done well.

I know this is long winded..just needing to put it out there and get opinions before We do something that will piss off birthmom and maybe cause some grief.

thanks


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

donewithit said:


> a little background. I have a daughter from my first marriage...he has two sons. Hubby adopted my daughter..Sons call me mom, and even their birth mom refers to me as the other mother. Anyway..long story short. Youngest lives with birth mom. He is turning legal age, and she refuses to push him for school. At this point he is in part time alternative ed. Basically two hours of school a day, and she has not provided us proof that he is actually attending (kicked out of normal highschool for repeated habitual truancy)
> 
> Anyway. He also has never held a job. Other son and daughter have worked since they were 14 yrs old part time, and finished highschool and boy works full time at a not great job..but its a job right!
> 
> ...



Follow the law. I tend to allow more generous rules when kids show initiative but if he's not going to school then I guess it's time for big boy world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

thanks golfergirl. It just feels pretty crappy to say..ok enough..I am not paying for you anymore. We love him sooo much, but I am hoping if we do withdraw child support, it may get her to lean on him more about getting back to school as I know she NEEDS the money. Kinda feels like financial blackmail though.

I (we) would pay till he is alot older if it meant him staying in school..I just feel that we are already supporting the eldest (this week my grocery bills doubled..oooy!!..) so if younger one is reconized as an adult and we are not OBLIGATED to pay..why should we ...IF he is not honouring the ONLY request we have..for him TO BE IN SCHOOL. sigh. blended families can surely have their joys but the dynamics can become screwed in an instant.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

donewithit said:


> thanks golfergirl. It just feels pretty crappy to say..ok enough..I am not paying for you anymore. We love him sooo much, but I am hoping if we do withdraw child support, it may get her to lean on him more about getting back to school as I know she NEEDS the money. Kinda feels like financial blackmail though.
> 
> I (we) would pay till he is alot older if it meant him staying in school..I just feel that we are already supporting the eldest (this week my grocery bills doubled..oooy!!..) so if younger one is reconized as an adult and we are not OBLIGATED to pay..why should we ...IF he is not honouring the ONLY request we have..for him TO BE IN SCHOOL. sigh. blended families can surely have their joys but the dynamics can become screwed in an instant.


I'm the support receiving parent to a child in school (she's 19). My Ex has done everything in his power to quit paying even quit his job! I've been waiting 4 weeks for judge's decision. I don't want the money - she lives away from home - she needs it. It's refreshing to see people looking out for the best interest of the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

We have seven children--his, mine and ours LOL--and we have the same rule for all seven: as long as you're in school and passing we will provide you a room and food if you are under 18yo. If you are over 18yo and in college it's the same but you pay your own clothes, car, ins., cell bill. And if you're over 18yo and not in college--you're on your own man and you owe us RENT and get your own foodstamps! 

They learn quickly that way.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> We have seven children--his, mine and ours LOL--and we have the same rule for all seven: as long as you're in school and passing we will provide you a room and food if you are under 18yo. If you are over 18yo and in college it's the same but you pay your own clothes, car, ins., cell bill. And if you're over 18yo and not in college--you're on your own man and you owe us RENT and get your own foodstamps!
> 
> They learn quickly that way.


It makes sense. My daughter is moving home for summer and can stay for free if she works full time and contributes to chores.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Its so important to teach children at a youg age about money.

my children are 8 & 12 and from the day they were born half of everything Gifts etc went into savings.and we explain the costs of things and how much income is left after paying bills. that way there eye are opened to how the world works.

no mon no fun....... its that simple 

now its automatic they save and are responsible with the money they can spend on themselve.


I feel this is one of the most important things you can teach your children and so many are keep in the dark until colledge and then they have no clue.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

What if instead of just handing the money over to them, you put it in an account and give him access to it once he shows initiative...initiative being school or getting his own place? he can use the money for school or he can use it to buy the things one needs for a first apartment or home.

I don't think you should continue giving it to him or his mother directly. It's obviously doing no good. time to start stashing it away for him for future use when he grows up a bit and starts appreciating the value of hardwork and money.

My mother did this with my brother...it wasn't child support but she started charging him rent. He didn't know it but she put it in an account for him and when he finally got a decent job and moved out, she gave him his money back for furniture,dishes,etc...
lol he hated her for a long time though bc he thought she was just taking his money and heaven forbid a mother should charge her adult son rent!


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

thanks everyone for all the opinions. I was worried that we would be coming across as people who were trying to avoid child support responsibility. 

While I like whiterabbits response of putting it away in an account and giving it to him later when he shows some initiative,, I could only do that to pay for schooling, not to let him use for setting himself up in apartment. It would not be fair to the other ones (esp our daughter, who has successfully started her life) As we did not pay for any of her apartment stuff, and our other son, well yes he is home again, but I think it would be a kick in the face to him, to save this money then hand it over to the only one of the kids who has been lazy and iresponsible KWIM. I could however use it towards any kind of schooling. Which we would be paying for ANYWAY..as we have promised to pay any schooling costs for any of the kids as long as they complete and pass.

Well, looks like next month may be turbulent once I tell birthmom. I think I will give her a few months grace.. I can stop it in June, but maybe I will tell her I will continue it until september and if he is in school and I get monthly proof of attendance I will continue it.

By the way...I just realized I am saying "I" alot, and as I am technically the stepmother, some may feel this is not up to me. I can promise that my husband is the one who brought up discontinuing support if he is not in school....I just say "I" as I am the one who does all our banking,, including an email transfer every month to birth mom..and if she needs advance she calls me not hubby.. cause I am a sucker lol


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Just had to add my "Kudos!" for the support you've given your step child. He may need the kick in the pants to get going! If he wants to get a career track job fast, look into CNA programs (certified nursing assistant). Some schools offer intensive programs in several weeks that allow one to start working pretty soon. Once in nursing, it is relatively easy to get support for additional training and there is always a high demand and lots of cool options. It's very hard work, but for someone who likes time and money, it can be a good fit--I know people who work their butts off 6 mo/year so they can travel 6 mo. too. Anyway, just a thought! He wouldn't make a lot at first, but it is a job!


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

thanks sisters..but no kicking in the pants seems to work as long as he has his birth mom babying him..and allowing him to do as he pleases. We have had the talk with her. She freaked. basically I am paying the child support tonight for the month of june..I will pay for july 1st too...but unless school report cards and or confirmation of attendance for the last year is provided..we are done. she freaked. called my husband a deadbeat dad..said it was always about money (wtf?? we have ALWAYS paid with NO issues..and even LENT her money when she needs extra!!)

anyway..we will see what July 1st brings...sigh.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I tend to agree those who think the kid needs a jumpstart with cold reality.

However, have you had his situation assessed?

Is he on drugs? Does he have some learning disability? Is he depressed? etc.?

What exactly is going on in his life?

If there is something you can do to point him in the right direction that you have not done so yet, I feel as a parent you need to do that.

Somebody obviously dropped the ball in his raising.

My other thought is that 18 is a world of different from 22. A lot of growing up occurs in those years. So a 22-year-old who is mostly independent is more normal than an 18-year-old still absorbed in failing high school as far as independence goes.


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

you raise a point..but YES we have had him assessed. As much as we can. In our province it is really hard for a non custodial parent to challenge the custodial parent.

He is NOT on drugs that I am sure of. He is a good kid. He is just really LAZY. we have not dropped the ball. As step mom I was at EVERY parent teacher conference..volunteered for every field trip...was active on his pta..took him out and had him doing other things such as bike riding, hiking, paintballing. The change came when he went to live with his mother. She is a drop out and is lazy too (although she does work) but she doesnt think an education is important. WE DO. that is why we are cutting off the child support. OUR HOPE is that it motivates her to get on his butt to get him back to school God knows we try..but we are shut out. She actually told me to "mind my own business" when I simply asked the name of this "alternative" school he is going to.

I don't mean to be defensive, but saying we dropped the ball is really harsh. The other two who have lived with us..finished school..had jobs..had rules and followed them. I am proud of the young adults they have become. Please explain how we can enforce rules when his principle residence is with his birth mom...and she does not support education ect?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

donewithit said:


> you raise a point..but YES we have had him assessed. As much as we can. In our province it is really hard for a non custodial parent to challenge the custodial parent.
> 
> He is NOT on drugs that I am sure of. He is a good kid. He is just really LAZY. we have not dropped the ball. As step mom I was at EVERY parent teacher conference..volunteered for every field trip...was active on his pta..took him out and had him doing other things such as bike riding, hiking, paintballing. The change came when he went to live with his mother. She is a drop out and is lazy too (although she does work) but she doesnt think an education is important. WE DO. that is why we are cutting off the child support. OUR HOPE is that it motivates her to get on his butt to get him back to school God knows we try..but we are shut out. She actually told me to "mind my own business" when I simply asked the name of this "alternative" school he is going to.
> 
> I don't mean to be defensive, but saying we dropped the ball is really harsh. The other two who have lived with us..finished school..had jobs..had rules and followed them. I am proud of the young adults they have become. Please explain how we can enforce rules when his principle residence is with his birth mom...and she does not support education ect?


I did not accuse you personally of dropping the ball. But his birth parents definitely have done so with varying degrees of culpability.

If he is 18, is there any way you can entice him to a "do over" at your house instead of vegging at hers?

This kid needs a fire lit under him somehow.


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

michzz said:


> I did not accuse you personally of dropping the ball. But his birth parents definitely have done so with varying degrees of culpability.
> 
> If he is 18, is there any way you can entice him to a "do over" at your house instead of vegging at hers?
> 
> This kid needs a fire lit under him somehow.


you are right. he needs a fire lit under him. We have tried to talk him into coming home. He says no. he says it is because mom is alone (going thru another divorce) and would be really upset. I can see her drumming this into him. But you know what? You are right so I will bring it up again. maybe time to get lawyer involved and a letter to her?


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

as I already stated..to us the most important thing is his future..and preparing him for it. He needs to have a part time job at least (It builds character and teaches about the value of a dollar earned) AND NON NEGOTIABLE...School. god. i feel like such a *****. I am so torn over this. it is not the money..we have been paying it with no issue for years. it is the PRINCIPLE. I would pay her till he is 30 if he is in school and she was supporting him. but I gotta say..the selfish part of me is looking forward to not having to deal with her weekly.But MORE important I want him to grow up..get a job..do well in life. Because I LOVE him.


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

actually michzz...this has hit home with me. I was at every school function....every dentist..doctor apt..every soccer game. come to think of it, my husband wasnt. neither was bio mom. so maybe you are right. they dropped the ball. so how do I deal with this. I got offended at the dropped the ball comment..but I think I KNEW that THEY did. While I will not defend HER..I love my husband and I know he loves our kids. I think he has avoided alot because he hates confrontation..and didnt want to deal with her. thinking about it in retrospect..it is not right that he has me deal with it all is it?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

donewithit said:


> actually michzz...this has hit home with me. I was at every school function....every dentist..doctor apt..every soccer game. come to think of it, my husband wasnt. neither was bio mom. so maybe you are right. they dropped the ball. so how do I deal with this. I got offended at the dropped the ball comment..but I think I KNEW that THEY did. While I will not defend HER..I love my husband and I know he loves our kids. I think he has avoided alot because he hates confrontation..and didnt want to deal with her. thinking about it in retrospect..it is not right that he has me deal with it all is it?


It is not wrong that you are taking a huge interest in his success. You get major props for that.

However, your husband, the boy's father and you must be a united front for the kid.

His birth mother sounds really inadequate and is using him for her own selfish reasons. She can still be his mom and allow him to move freely.

The boy does not really grok what his situation is--bleak. 

I have personal experience as a non-parent being the only thing standing in the way of a relative's kid spiral into an awful existence.

Having a part time job is a totally reasonable insistence on your part (as in you and your husband). But his best chance is with you, not with his biomom.

Tossing cash after failure would result in more failure.


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

ok. you are right. I am going to have our lawyer draft a letter...stating that we intend to have him in school. our monetary supply will stop..however we will offer him a home if she cannot afford it..and we will deal with the fall out. I do love my son ( i say mine because I married his father..he was part of the deal) So..I am going to do this..I want him to grow up. not for our sake (according to canadian law..child support ends at 18 if not in FULL time school) I will take him home here...OR he can go to school in her town..but I want proof..we have had NO proof of schooling for the last two years...so we will see...thanks for the support


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

well the **** will really hit the fan in a few weeks..she has been warned. we asked for ANY proof of schooling just two weeks ago...if we do not get it...then in two weeks..july first..we will pay our last child support. Let her take us to court..I am anxious to see what a judge says about her behaviour and her enabling him to stay home and play xbox all day and night. Anyway my number one choice would be proof of registration in full time school for sept..then we will continue on a month to month basis..based on full time attendance. wish me luck. wife against xwife sucks. esp when hubby (god love him) hates any kind of conflict.
Lynn


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> Its so important to teach children at a youg age about money.
> 
> my children are 8 & 12 and from the day they were born half of everything Gifts etc went into savings.and we explain the costs of things and how much income is left after paying bills. that way there eye are opened to how the world works.


We just got our Financial Peace Junior. 



> no mon no fun....... its that simple
> 
> now its automatic they save and are responsible with the money they can spend on themselve.
> 
> ...


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

My sister and I were both supported through college--- our parents paid for most of our schooling (whatever school loans would not cover) and let us stay home for free during breaks (I would do a lot of cooking, cleaning, and running errands for them in repayment). They even provided spending cash for us, though my sister and I still worked on campus too.

My sister got a full-time job right away after graduating, but she still lived at home for two years until I graduated from college. I graduated in January, I had landed a job by April that would start in September, and in July my sister and I had moved to our own apartment. Since then we have paid for everything ourselves-- our rent, car insurance, my sister bought her own car, cell phones, etc. 

What was tough is that my sister did not find a full-time job for almost a year after we moved out of our parents' house. Instead of relying on our parents, I paid for her stuff-- rent, food, gas/electricity, etc. It was tough but it wouldn't be right to rely on our parents for that.

I appreciated that my parents extended their support until we both could live on our own and had full-time jobs, but I've always been motivated to support myself-- my sister needed a little help (me getting a job that required me to move away) but she's getting better at it.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

If you love your kids enough, you realize that keeping them financially dependent on you is not in their best interests. When you pay for your kids who are over 18 and not attending college, you give them NO INCENTIVE to do anything but mooch off of you. Making them accountable for their own financial support is a VITAL life skill you are depriving them of developing by continuing to pay for his lazy lifestyle.

Stop the payments. If he goes to college, help pay for that.


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

thanks Laurae.

the last child support payment was paid yesterday. We finally bullied the alternative ed school that exwife said he HAS been attending well (2 hrs a day??!!) enough that they gave us his attendance from feb 8th to last day of school June 23rd..the results?? out of 87 TWO hour classes scheduled for him...he attended NINETEEN. yup . thats right. 19 bloody two hour days since FEB to end June. 

So the letter accompanied the last child support. We will not pay anymore unless there is PROOF positive that he is attending school..and we will only pay at the END of the month based on his attendance. 

Keep in mind. We are NOT talking about College here.....we are talking HIGHSCHOOL and in our opinion it is not OPTIONAL. grr..sigh.

Anyway,, $hit has hit the fan big time...Hubby and I are really stressed as she is texting him non stop,,calling him names ect. Hopefully this blows over soon before it affects OUR relationship. Hubby is a head in the sand sort of guy, hates confrontation. I prefer to deal with things head on.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Dependent children are now covered on a corporate health plan through age 26.


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

runs I am not sure where you are from, but our health insurance and dental ect will cover him until he is 21 as long as he lives in either our home or his birth mothers home, and is a student. If he is not a full time student then it ends at 19. So he has a year left to get his butt in gear and be back in school or working with his own coverage.


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## chaddyboy (Nov 17, 2011)

donewithit said:


> thanks Laurae.
> 
> the last child support payment was paid yesterday. We finally bullied the alternative ed school that exwife said he HAS been attending well (2 hrs a day??!!) enough that they gave us his attendance from feb 8th to last day of school June 23rd..the results?? out of 87 TWO hour classes scheduled for him...he attended NINETEEN. yup . thats right. 19 bloody two hour days since FEB to end June.
> 
> ...


how old was this child at the time i realize this is an old post.


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

hi chaddyboy I just responded to your thread..

go check.

btw. Collin is 18


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Child support stops when the child is 18 or no longer in school. Atleast that is how it is here in Washington.

My husband has 3 other children (which i love like they were my own)
He is only paying child support for only one now. She is 16.


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## oldfashioned1 (Oct 26, 2011)

Can you quit paying the support to her? and instead, offer to "help" him out occasionally when he needs it, since he will be an adult? Seems like doing anything else may support his and her laziness.


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