# I'm not doing well at all....



## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

The last couple days have been very bad for me. I have struggled with anxiety attacks at various times of high stress in my life, and right now I'm definately having the attacks.

There's just so much screwed up about my marriage/soon to be divorce right now. Firstly, my husband has totally gone off the sanity boat and is acting crazy. He's so enraged it scares me, angry at me, at the world, at everything. He is completely irrational, and doesn't recognize it in the slightest, insisting that he is being 100% rational and sane and patient, and it's just the rest of the world that's screwed up and screwing him over. He's still in contact with me through e-mail, but he claims he's somewhere secret that he won't tell me or my family. 

Then there's the issue of my lawyer. I have no money, but just a couple months ago one of my cousins married a lawyer who has practiced in my state for many years. He has volunteered to take on my divorce free of charge, to help out the family. This is all wonderful and a blessing...except now it looks like he might have been passing on some things he has dug up about my husband....to his wife and mother-in-law, instead of to me. I go to my grandparents' house yesterday to find my going-on-90-year-old grandparents in a panic over things they claim they were told by their daughter, who heard them from my cousin and cousin-in-law. WTF??? What the hell right does he have talking about things in my husband's past to my family??

I don't know for certain he's at fault, or if it did come from him, how it might have gotten misunderstood or blown up into drama due to the power of the family gossip mill, but I'm very dstraught by the possibility. I know I tend to immediately assume the worst possible scenerio about someone;s motives and actions, and that probably something just got out of hand or misunderstood or something. But it's stressful especially since my hands are basically tied due to finances. I have already tried to find cheap legal representation, or if there are any options in my area for low-income situations, and there simply don't seem to be. Which means if I want this divorce, I have to take my cousin's help, even though I now feel suspicious of his handling delicate information. 

But most troubling to me today is how frustrated I am with how my husband sees things. He wrote to me of how hurt he was that I was coldly going about getting a divorce, and how I don't care about our marriage at all, that at the first sign of rockiness, I bolted. He thinks I don't care about him or about our marriage and in reality, I'm pretty much coming apart at the seams due to it. He has no inkling of how scarred I am from his treatment of me. He has no idea how much I do and did love him, and how his taking me for granted and belittling me broke my heart. And then he thinks it was easy for me to just kick him out of my life, when in truth it is the hardest thing I have ever done, ever. I act cold because I have to be strong, I have to protect myself, but he sees it as me being heartless and that I didn't ever take our marriage seriously anyway. 

There's a part of me even now that's in panic because it simply cannot believe all my dreams, all my plans, have come to dust. Part of me feels like I just need to wake up from this nightmare and I'll have my life back. But the truth is, the life I had was the dream. I was living in a dream world, refusing to face the reality that my husband was making me utterly miserable, and that things were only going to get worse. I told myself every day that things would get better, and they could have, at one point, but my husband chose instead to become entirely selfish and cruel, for whatever reason, until things got so bad I woke up to what was going on. But just because I woke up and took action doesn't mean it's easy for me.

I'm free of the control and the abuse I took from my husband, but I'm not exactly throwing confetti. Because he is the only person I have ever felt even a fraction of that much love and affection for. He is the only person I ever felt absolutely certain I wanted a life with. He is the person I put all my trust into, and even when things were going south, for the sake of what I believed was a match meant to be, I turned a blind eye to all of it. I told myself it was going to be okay. That it wuld all work out. That I was the problem, because if I was the problem, I had the power to fix it. 

Trouble was, no matter how much I fixed, things were still broken.

I don't need people to tell me I did the right thing. Believe me, if I didn't think that, I would be with my husband now. I don't need people to tell me to be strong because I have overthrown the man and I am a liberated woman. I don't need to be told I will love again.

I realize it's not very nice of me to tell people what they can and can't tell me....I'm only saying, I hear those things every day, and they make no difference.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Have you been to a doctor about your panic attacks?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Remind your lawyer of the probability of being hauled up for an ethics sanction and possible temporary suspension of his licence.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Remind your lawyer of the probability of being hauled up for an ethics sanction and possible temporary suspension of his licence.


Maybe you could bring up the fact that your family found out so much about your ex and are really embarrassed by it. Don't accuse just mention it. Maybe even that you are uncomfortable w/ them knowing so much and have a hard time being around them (a little guilt trip for him if he said anything). 
Since he is a relative and doing it for free ... careful treading.


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

Mamatomany- I have been prescribed anti-anxiety meds in the past, but prescriptions ran out and I don't currently have health insurance. I don't think it's anything I can't handle, and some over the counter herbals do help, as well as things like yoga. It's just rough when I am having a panic attack.

And I agree with you, I am not going to abuse the fact that my cousin-in-law is helping me for free. I'm going to give it a little time, see if I can get a little more of the story, and if it does seem like it was him telling people things, then I might try to talk to him about it. 

My way of dealing with pain though is to *not* deal with it, and that's what I'm warring with now. My first reaction to something like my family drama is to just run away from the family, which I know isn't a viable solution, but honestly so often I just feel like I want to leave town and start a new life somewhere else. I know in practice it would not be easy or probably any better than life here, but it's tempting sometimes. I know I do have to figure out some changes to make in my life, I feel like I'm 26 and have achieved so little of what I wanted to in the past ten years, I have to change my life for the better.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It sounds as though you are having a difficult time. Is getting therapy for the stress and anxiety an option? Stress management with a therapist did wonders for me. However, I still ended up on medication because my health was continuing to deteriorate. It's very important for you to take care of your health because this situation will one day be behind you. Your health and well being is your future.

Although my divorce attorney is an unrelated, out-of-town attorney, I do also use a family relative for some things. I am truly blessed to have him assisting me with numerous legal issues and not charging me a dime. I honestly don't care what he tells other family members. All of our dirty laundry is out in the open anyway. I gave up keeping things a secret three years ago. It was much easier on me once I wasn't hiding anything. My family is always 100% behind me, so my cousin, the attorney, is free to discuss with them also. Keep in mind that a family member whose an attorney will fight harder for YOU than a paid attorney. I really don't know what you should do about the ethics issues there.

If you are a SAHM and your husband makes a decent income, some attorneys will take your case then ask for payment of the bill in the settlement. Perhaps that's an option.


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## phillybrokenheart (Mar 9, 2012)

I feel for you! I know exactly what you are going thru. I am in the SAME exact situation. My husband has been acting so crazy since the separation, its scary!

I dont have any advice for you, or I would have advice for myself, lol! Just know that you're not alone, there is someone out there going thru the same torment as you are.

I see a therapist, not sure if you have one. Honestly, it helps, but doesnt solve. 

I also went to have a physical at my family doctor since I started having panic attacks (never had them before)

I hope things calm for you soon. My thoughts are with you!


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

827Aug, I have no health insurance and my area doesn't seem to offer any sort of community mental health programs. I have contacted a few therapists, but none that I can afford. And I agree, someone in the family will most likely be more motivated to help me than a stranger, I just have trust issues. BIG ONES. I wonder why? Lol. But anyways, so when I started hearing he might be talking about what I would consider private things with random members of the family, that just got my defenses up. But I'm not actually considering getting another attourney. I'm not a SAHM but I work a very low income job, and my husband has almost no assets, is unemployed and probably in debt, so there's no money in this at all for an attorney, so I know my chances of finding one willing to take on my case and work on it seriously is pretty darned slim. Like I said, I have trust issues, and my family and I are def not as close as yours seems to be, and I am not okay with them knowing a lot of personal details about my life, because I know how they treat others in my family once they get dirt on them. It's pretty awful, really. I'm not saying this cousin-in-law is like that, I don't know him that well, but I just don't get on that well with my extended family.

phillybrokenheart- thanks for the encouragement! It is very good to know you're not alone going through rough times. This forum is definately a lifesaver in that sense. It is amazing to me how many people seem to have similiar stories. Why are so many relationships in the world SO messed up? Why are so many people so messed up? That I don't know, sadly, but at least we are none of us having to suffer alone.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I really hope things turn out well for you. I wish you could find a therapist though. Fortunately my therapist continued to see me even when I couldn't afford to pay her. People like her are a rare find. My minister and her husband also provided some counseling when things got really bad. They are also licensed therapists. Maybe you could turn to a church for some help.

Best wishes!


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

I have actually talked to a pastor and a priest (from two different Christian denominations), both of which have counseling training and experience. They have both provided some good insight.

I'm doing a little better now. Every week is a different story, and last week was REALLY bad, but then this week is starting out pretty positive.


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