# Three Years Later



## 00100 (Dec 16, 2012)

I've been lurking around the board for a while now trying to figure out whether I would be posting here or in the 'Considering Divorce' sub-forum.

I think for now this is where I belong.

Backstory: Back in 2009 I was incarcerated for 10 months for an assault charge. The actual incident happened when I was 18 but the court proceedings took near 5 years. 

About 5 months into my sentence my wife started having an EA with a man that was friends with my Father and with advice from my Sister started having a PA with him 2 months later. All of this was concealed from me for the entire duration of my incarceration by not only my wife but by my family as well. Many of them stopped seeing me while I was in jail and they refused to take my phone calls.

At the time my wife and I had already had three children (still only three) and had used them and her own twisted version of our lives as an excuse for her PA. 

The day I was released I was given all of this information from my wife and at the same time told that she was leaving me and taking the kids. Through the next couple of months I convinced her that I wanted her back and that I wanted to work through what had happened for both the kids and our sake. I didn't feel throwing away 7 years of a relationship was worth it because of an indiscretion. 

For the first 8 - 10 months of our 'new' relationship things were very rocky. Emotional roller-coaster for the whole time but things eventually mellowed out and we got back into a routine.

It has now been near three years since that all took place and I am feeling like things are becoming difficult for me. I always knew that there might be a possibility that I would never get over the incident, or that she might not get passed what had happened, but I feel like the whole relationship is slowing down more and more and that it will eventually stop and die.

We have both recently been going back to school for higher education, she is in her first year of University and I am in my second year of College. We both have plans to get Doctorates. Our children are growing and becoming more dynamic in their needs, two are in school now, and the third will be starting soon. I can see us moving in different directions with our needs and goals.

Sex has become a huge issue for us. When we first started dating we were a 3x a day kind of people, even after the honeymoon stage we were still very active, at least once a day. When the kids started coming it slowed a little, which I was prepared for and totally understand but eventually it came to be almost nothing. Once or twice a month or less. Which I know is still more than a lot of people here are having but it is very for two people under 25 years old even with kids in the house. 

After the affair it jumped back up again which I wrote off as being separated for 10 months, but always suspected it was more of her being with OM, which oddly only drove me to preform harder, to prove something. But over time it has dwindled again.

Initiating for her has always been difficult but that was fine because we had our own ways of getting around that. Whenever I felt like it was an appropriate time I would begin to initiate and then back off which would sort of giver her the "green light" (not really explaining this well I think) and she would take over, sometimes, but over the past year or so that has stopped entirely. 

It got so bad recently that any sex at all seemed like a chore for her. So I stopped trying altogether. I wanted to see how long she would go without sex. We've been intimate once in three months. And the only reason that happened was because on Christmas I was drinking.

I have been thinking more and more about the affair recently, it seems to be creeping up on me at almost every turn. Even when I am doing something that seems entirely unrelated to the issue. 

I don't know exactly how I feel about the situation as a whole I just know that I am feeling like I might not ever get over this thing in our relationship.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why did your family turn on you? Was there a reason? (Valid or bogus)

Have you had counselling, individual or couples?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you sure she isn't seeing someone else? Have you checked her phone records, texts and emails? Do you use her phone? Does it stick to her like glue? Does she go out with the girls while you babysit? Come in late? Stay away longer that she says.

Has she given you the I love you but am not in love with you speech?

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_s...&rh=i:aps,k:married+man+sex+life+primer&ajr=0

No matter what yo need to download/read Married Man Sex Life now. BTW it is not a sex manual.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry to find you here.

After reading your story, I think you should let her go.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I might suggest counseling for the both of you. Both of you have been through a lot and some professional help may be a good thing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you sure she has stopped cheating?

What kind of family actually sets a sons wife up to gave an affair on him? That's evil,


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## 00100 (Dec 16, 2012)

Thank you all for your replies.

@MattMatt: I was only ever given an explanation as to why I was not told of the affair until I was released. They all said that they did not want me to do something that might increase the amount of time that I was in jail. They did not want me to become upset in that setting and do something I might regret. 

Which seemed reasonable then but feels like an excuse now. 

We have gone to MC together and I tired some IC though the IC was not sustainable at the time financially and the MC never felt very productive over all. It did help with some minor issues but nothing important changed for the long run.

@chapparal: Yes I am sure she is not seeing anyone else. We both have complete access to each others email accounts, though we never check them anymore, and both cell phones are in my name so I get a report for both of them and the house phone keeps track of every call made on it because it is a VOIP system.

We don't go out anymore. Not together or separately, unless it is for school, and if she is skipping school to go cheat then I have no idea who with because she has no male friends and I would have no way to keep track because she's untraceable once there. 

No she has not given me the ILYBANILWY speech.

@Shaggy: I can tell you exactly what kind of family does that; Mine.

One thing that has never seemed to sink in for Her or my family is that when she cheated, they all cheated. I was not just emotionally distressed by her actions but by theirs as well. It feels like I was cheated on by all of them. 

Worse, I had no other means at the time so I actually had to turn to the people who betrayed me for emotional and financial support.

Now everyone thinks that everything is a-ok between us. I've never even received an apology from any of them and yet they expect me to just be happy with them.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

"@MattMatt: I was only ever given an explanation as to why I was not told of the affair until I was released. They all said that they did not want me to do something that might increase the amount of time that I was in jail. They did not want me to become upset in that setting and do something I might regret. "

Been there, done that ........... this is legit!!


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

OP,

Even though you are having difficulty dealing with the affair, it doesn't seem like you have checked out of the relationship. In fact, if she was intimate with you more often, you probably wouldn't be having these issues.

However, it definitely sounds like she has checked out. You need to find out why. Is it the stress of kids and school? Is she having another affair? Or is she just not into you anymore?

I suggest asking her why she feels disconnected, and then go from there.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If the two of you are not going out together, it means you are not dating one another. It means there is no romance there. It means you are just going through a few motions waithing for her to leave(one way or another). This is fertile ground for another affair. Is this your plan? Is this what you want?

What is your relationship to your family now?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I remember you from, another site. You guys had to endure rough times and the betrayal was massive. Your family participation was horrible.
Now it's seem your issues are let's call it; normal marriage stuff. Not minimizing the importance just adressing there's no infidelity anymore.
I don't think whether you comunicate properly. I think this new path to go back to school and the children take it's toll in the sex department. What does she say about it? How does she feel toward the marriage? Do you believe she'd agree to seek professional help? What about your part ? Are you doing your part?
There are tons of help and advice at your disposition, books, online resoirces, MCs...
I'm thinking marriagebuilders' material could help.


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## 00100 (Dec 16, 2012)

It's been a few days and I have been reading and re-reading several posts here and contemplating how it is I should proceed with responding. 

I think it is important that I first try and explain to you all that 'more sex' is not an answer that I am looking for. 

My wife hardly ever denies me sex, but it is mechanical, it has the least amount of effort from her as possible. I don't want or need that. If I wanted to masturbate I could do that without her. The fact that we are not having sex anymore comes from my choice to stop pursuing her. I do not want to have sex with someone who is not enjoying the experience. 

As for her sexual desires, she has none. She has expressed to me several times that she has no sexual desire at all. I doubt that she is even aware of how little sex we are having. It has been a matter of discussion before, and a focal point in some arguments as well. I've tried different things, we've gone to the doctor for help, she's taking different medications, and nothing is helping. 

I know it is difficult for me to convey all the subtle things of my situation properly to you through a medium like this so I want to make it clear. I am not angry, or upset, or disappointed with my wife, or with this situation. I am frustrated and I am empathetic.

Communication between us has become next to nil. I find it very difficult to explain, to anyone around me, anything that I feel or have issue with. Today was the first time in a long while that I talked to my wife about anything important. I explained to her that I disliked the way that she had been talking to me lately. It feels like everything is an accusation instead of a request. She will say "Are you doing *x*" instead of "Would you do *x*" or she will say to me "_I_ am doing *x*" instead of "Could you help me with *x*". I explained that I felt attacked and it did not make me want to help when I feel that way. 

I have no idea if she actually understood anything I said to her because she did it several times after that of which I had to remind her. 

I can feel that I am more emotionally distraught. At times I will be sitting around doing nothing in particular, watching a show, playing with the kids just some mundane thing and I will be suddenly overpowered by the desire to cry and laugh and hate all at the same time and of course my natural reaction to this is to subdue it immediately. It's very unsettling to know that I have so little control over something I can control so quickly. 

Tonight I was thinking about what I have allowed myself to become. Not just with this relationship but in general. I think about how sad it is that when I was in jail I was doing everything in my power to better myself. I would read daily, I would interact socially with a diverse group of people, I learned to play chess from a chess expert, and I learned how to calculate probability, I was doing math literally everyday, I learned how to play cards and how to read body language in a way I never knew possible. And not just that but I was physically active daily. I learned about anatomy and conversion rates of different protein strands and energy types. I learned what kids of workouts worked which muscle groups and applied that knowledge to myself and others. I taught another inmate how to read and write cursive, something he had never acquired his whole life, something I took for granted. I learned what real sorrow and humility looked like from a man who murdered six men and truly regretted it every day of his life. 

And now, I sit around on a computer, eating my way into an early grave and buying video games I don't even play because I'm too busy doing nothing. I rot in my own body, in this place, because I can. Because I am complacent to my own destruction and I am enabled by all of those around me. My family too afraid of their own self worth (or should I say lack of worth) to try and confront me about my destructive behaviour and my wife who...

I don't even know what to say. I am responsible for my own life and for my own actions, but I am human and I do what is easiest. I am as in control as I want to be but who really wants to take credit for their own destruction. I don't. 

I fear this thing I have become because I have become the worst of me and now I am showing my children how the worst of you is the easiest of you. 

I really wish I could convey to you what it means to be like this. 

I fear myself. And I hate that which allows me to be this.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Originally Posted by marduk 
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

00100 said:


> .....
> 
> I don't even know what to say. I am responsible for my own life and for my own actions, but I am human and I do what is easiest. I am as in control as I want to be but who really wants to take credit for their own destruction. I don't.
> 
> ...


This right here tells you what you need to do. It's not easy. I know as I'm guilty as well. The hard thing is pulling yourself out of this slump.

You need to take care of yourself first. It's a journey of 1000 miles.. that starts with one step.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

00100 said:


> It's been a few days and I have been reading and re-reading several posts here and contemplating how it is I should proceed with responding.
> 
> ...
> I can feel that I am more emotionally distraught. At times I will be sitting around doing nothing in particular, watching a show, playing with the kids just some mundane thing and I will be suddenly overpowered by the desire to cry and laugh and hate all at the same time and of course my natural reaction to this is to subdue it immediately. It's very unsettling to know that I have so little control over something I can control so quickly.
> ...


Well OP,

Sometimes I react on the OP with mercy, sometimes with analysis, sometimes with harshness, sometimes with love. 

It depends on the situation.What I feel is good for the person.

But you are a new kind, you are contemplative, and your post springs my hart with joy. Because I believe you are in a state of transition. Like a butterfly comes out of his cocon. You are now a total mess, like the mess the butterfly is in before he regenerates to a butterfly. But you are clearly becoming a beautiful mind. I can see it in your thinking, although you undoubtedly will not see this yourself. That is impossible seen your situation. But I would like to give this sign of hope that I think this process you have entered will turn you to grow to real valuable person.


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