# His behavoir is getting hard to deal with...Help



## girl82 (Feb 17, 2014)

I have two things I need advice on in regards to my husbands behavior. We have been married about a year and a half. He is very smothering to me. I am really struggling with it. He wants to do everything together, even if I am going out with girl friends. But when he goes out with me and friends he withdraws and mostly stays on his phone.
When I get up from the couch he asks me what I am doing. When I am on the computer he comes over and kisses me and asks me what I am looking at. He says I love you about a million times a day and when I don't say it back he is bothered by it. He kisses me constantly. Like if we are sitting watching a movie he will every few min kiss me on the cheek or head. I can't go for a walk by myself, I can't go to the store by myself. What do I do?. I like attention but I feel this is too much attention. I feel I have no alone time and I have to ask permission to do anything. What do I do? I have talked to him a little about it but nothing changes.
Another thing that has been happening is when I get upset about something or we have an argument he always says, "you are overreacting" or "you are too sensitive" I have never been called these things before. I feel there may be signs of verbal abuse and manipulation but not sure how to tell if him saying these things is due to the fact that he just thinks i am too sensitive or if he is trying to put me down and disregard my feelings to control or manipulate??


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Marriage counseling pronto! You're his teddy bear, security blanket, and entertainment center all rolled into one. This guy needs to get a life.

As to being dismissive of your feelings (overreacting and too sensitive), it's a control tactic. 

Good luck with this one.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow, does this bring back memories. This was the first 5 years of my marriage. The only reason I'm still married is I was too chicken to leave. Unfortunately, I created a monster by allowing it to continue, and ruined most of my other relationships, including family, because I gave in to his insecurity. Don't make my mistakes. Sit him down and say I love you but I can't be the sole focus of your life. I WILL have a life outside you and if you continue to harass me about it, we may not stay married for long. I want you to have a life outside our marriage, too, so I expect you to have friends and see them occasionally, just like I'm going to do. If you throw a fit every time I'm not glued to you, I'm going to have to start leaving the room or the house. It's your choice.

As for the 'you're too sensitive,' yes, those are controlling tactics, and you are best served to nip that in the bud quick. The next time he says something like that, say 'I am who I am and if you say that to me again, I'll leave the room.' And then do it. You CAN train him to stop trying to manipulate you by refusing to participate.


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## girl82 (Feb 17, 2014)

We had known each other for 10 yrs, although we did not live close to each other. We dated for 8 months then got married. He did not show any of these behaviors before, although we did not live in the same town so visiting someone is a lot different than dating in the same town. He changed a lot after we got married.

Turnera- that is great advice on how to handle the sensitive comments thank you


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did he live with his mom when you guys were dating?


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## girl82 (Feb 17, 2014)

For part of the time we were dating he did, he was in between jobs, so he moved in with his parents to save money. His mom is very controlling/manipulative/passive agressive and he is the only child


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## 312cpl (Jan 27, 2014)

I find myself smothering at times.
Sometimes I am just so happy to be with her, I kiss her too often, hug her too often, compliment her too often etc. 
I just can't help it at times. 
But, I have learned to identify those behaviors. I make conscious decisions every day to withhold from too much affection. And when I do, within a few days I feel her more attentive to me! I think some people just don't know they the other person needs more space. Whether at home, or shopping or with friends.


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

Maybe I am strange, but I like that kind of attention from a husband.


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## girl82 (Feb 17, 2014)

MissFroggie, I have talked to him about counseling and he tells me how stupid and pointless it is and how counselors are stupid(he went to counseling when he was a kid) He then tells me if I really need it for me then he guess he can go and then tells me more how he doesn't like it. What I have been trying to figure out is if his behavoirs are early signs of abuse or if I am reading too much into it. His father physically and emotionally abused him growing up. His father was controlling of his mother and what she did, she still can't do anything without him. She however is not very independent and I am. I wonder how much of this is just him growing up in that situation and so he thinks that's how relationships work. I talked to him about this but he says he is not like his father. He can get really angry at times but usually he it is more of a sutle anger, the kind where he seems angry but when I ask him he says he is not. I don't want to jump to conclusions and label him an abuser but I also don't want to downplay it and end up getting hurt.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

What is your husband's situation socially? Does he have close friends nearby, does he hang out with "the guys" somewhat regularly? On the surface it would seem like no, and that is why all his attention is focused on you, and why he needs affirmations from you constantly. I was a lot like that in the beginning of my marriage as well because I moved to a new state with my husband and I didn't have any friends and felt that he was all I had for a long time! I was very clingy with him, and hated him going out without me in any way, shape or form. This subsided when I at least had somewhat of my own life. It sounds like your husband needs friends, badly. And if he does already, then I would find his behavior even more troubling and perplexing. But he needs something separate from you so he isn't so dependent.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Have him look up the word "moderation" in the dictionary. He should remember to show you love and affection in moderation, but not to drown you constantly in the little gestures. Tell him you appreciate his loving gestures more when they are special. They mean more when they are sincere.

Everyone needs space...emotional and physical space. It seems to me like he is not respecting your space. He lacks self confidence in my opinion and is trying to overcompensate for it.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

girl82 said:


> MissFroggie, I have talked to him about counseling and he tells me how stupid and pointless it is and how counselors are stupid(he went to counseling when he was a kid) He then tells me if I really need it for me then he guess he can go and then tells me more how he doesn't like it. What I have been trying to figure out is if his behavoirs are early signs of abuse or if I am reading too much into it. His father physically and emotionally abused him growing up. His father was controlling of his mother and what she did, she still can't do anything without him. She however is not very independent and I am. I wonder how much of this is just him growing up in that situation and so he thinks that's how relationships work. I talked to him about this but he says he is not like his father. He can get really angry at times but usually he it is more of a sutle anger, the kind where he seems angry but when I ask him he says he is not. I don't want to jump to conclusions and label him an abuser but I also don't want to downplay it and end up getting hurt.



First off, let me say, unbroken people don't come from broken homes. So with that in mind, understand that your hubby may have structural issues that he just doesn't know about. 

I don't agree with MsFroggie, I've met plenty of people from abusive pasts who didn't abuse themselves. They had problems, but they didn't repeat the sins of the father so to speak. 

You missed a great opportunity. When a man grumbles that's his way of accepting something he's uncomfortable with. When he said "I guess I'll go" and continued to complain don't read into the complaining. He said he'd go!

So first rule is, don't talk to him like he's a woman. Be clear. Be concise. State a need, and how he can fix it. "I love you honey. I don't need to be smothered all the time. If you don't do this I will become distant."

If he becomes broody, let him stew. Men need this. If he runs away and you chase him, you'll reinforce what you don't want. 

Finally, there's never one broken person in a relationship. So ask yourself what's your hang up? Is there something in your past that led you to a man who could be like this? Bod you have behaviors that reinforce this?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

girl82 said:


> For part of the time we were dating he did, he was in between jobs, so he moved in with his parents to save money. His mom is very controlling/manipulative/passive agressive and he is the only child


I'm sorry, but that's really bad news for your marriage.

IIWY, I would find a really really good therapist, and demand he start going with you. He's going to need a LOT of training from that therapist on what is acceptable in a marriage, including separating oneself from your controlling parents. Please trust me on this.


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## Fae (Feb 18, 2014)

I agree with the other posters, this is an extremely worrying situation and it sounds as if it has already become abusive. I know it can be difficult to leave a marriage however, you have to ask yourself if this is the type of behavior you want? If not then you need to seek help such as counseling and if your husband is not willing to go down such a path then you need to seriously consider if this is the life you want. If it isn't then it may be time to get out!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I Notice The Details said:


> Have him look up the word "moderation" in the dictionary.


:rofl:

So true.

You need to sit down and have a conversation with him about how this makes you feel. Does he have any outside interests/hobbies/friends? Spending all of the time together is not good or healthy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

More importantly, you need to STOP allowing the bad behavior. I dragged my H to therapy for nearly a year, and nothing happened. Frustrated, I started getting upset with our MC and she finally just flat out said, "Turnera, this is YOUR problem. YOU accept the behavior so he keeps doing it. Until YOU no longer accept it and YOU change what YOU do, nothing will change."


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Have you checked out emotionally?

It's a mixed message to want to contantly be with you than not be engaged when you actually get to the event. To show tons of affection and then refuse counseling.

It doesn't (TO ME) sound like insecurity in a vaccum. Is there a reason why he's so up and down?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Everyone here has nailed it...INSECURE AND CONTROLLING. You need to find a way to nip this in the ass NOW! My second husband is EX because of a lot of this same crap, it only escalates.


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## girl82 (Feb 17, 2014)

Thank you all for the honesty. I wanted to answer a few questions from your posts,

My husband and I are in transition with jobs and housing so we are not living near friends at the time,only family, however when we were living near friends he was the same way. He would not go out with friends unless i came. He would call me after work and say he was wanting to get a beer with co-workers and wanted me to come, he would stay home if I did not come. He has occasionally hung out with friends alone but this is rare.

In regards to hobbies and activities, he is not doing anything other than video games, when I first moved in he quit bike riding. I asked him why and he said because it took away from our time together and he didn't want me to be lonely. I encouraged him to go but he stopped.

Is there a reason he is so up and down? He suffers from depression always has- he has never healed and dealt with his past abuse. Since we have been together he is always up and down

I have worked a lot on myself in the past years before dating him, so I am confused as to why if he is an abuser, why I was stupid enough to fall for him, I had spent so much time getting healthy and now i feel unhealthy again

One thought. I am confused because most things I read about abuse say that the guy is very dominate and uses name calling. My husband is very passive and a people pleaser for the most part, till he gets mad. The only time he has insulted me has been in a passive way which I still don't know if it was intentional or if I just got my feelings hurt when I shouldn't have. Is it possible for a passive/people pleaser to be an abuser? He apologizes a lot too, saying it is his fault but then at the same times gets mad at me and tells me that I make everything his fault and he is the one who always has to apologize. I am going to take things slow at this point and be careful with things. I still am not sure that it is abuse, I think it could lead there. Part of me thinks it is more of him not being a healthy individual and needed some therapy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's not abusive, he's controlling. Out of fear. He has no self worth so he doesn't believe you could possibly love him. So, to keep you from realizing this 'truth,' he feels the only thing he can do is be with you 24/7. Otherwise, if you are out without him, you'll discover the truth and ditch him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IIWY, I would insist that he go to therapy with you, and then try to segue that therapy into therapy for him to learn to love himself.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Girl82,

If your husband was himself but a "toned down version". Loved being with you without being "needy". Took some time for himself and gave you time for yourself, and you two figured out how to communicate your issues without it becoming emotional, what would you think of him?

I think the term "abuse" gets thrown around a little too much sometimes. I'm not saying what he's doing is or is not abuse, we're hearing your version of the situation posted on a public forum (about the only way to get understand a situation less is to do it through text). PS that's not a knock on your communication or how "real" the situation might be for you, but some people might be misinterpreting you so they may be formulating a decision on only 25% comprehension.

I will say your husbands behavior is annoying and smothering (in the least) so you have a valid issue. I definitely think counseling is the way to go and don't worry about what he says about it, but what he DOES about it. 

Your husband definitely needs to mature. But don't throw the baby out with the bath water. I'm not so sure the relationship is beyond repair with you ending up with a caring and attentive husband.....(OH NO!!)


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

girl82 said:


> One thought. I am confused because most things I read about abuse say that the guy is very dominate and uses name calling. M*y husband is very passive and a people pleaser for the most part, till he gets mad. The only time he has insulted me has been in a passive way which I still don't know if it was intentional or if I just got my feelings hurt when I shouldn't have. Is it possible for a passive/people pleaser to be an abuser? * He apologizes a lot too, saying it is his fault but then at the same times gets mad at me and tells me that I make everything his fault and he is the one who always has to apologize. I am going to take things slow at this point and be careful with things. I still am not sure that it is abuse, I think it could lead there. Part of me thinks it is more of him not being a healthy individual and needed some therapy.


Many passive people are controlling. Its done in a very low key, covert way, exactly as your husband is doing. You dont even realize that its happening. I dont think your situation is hopeless, you just need to take the lead on things before it gets out of hand. Personally I would like all the kissing, but doing things like asking what you are doing if you stand up, and not going out without you are just too much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mine would do things like sabotage work he was doing while I was away so that he could say 'See? While you were out galivanting around and I was at home having to do all the work, the beam fell on me. Your selfishness caused this!'

Or he would do low-key things like 'So you really want to go see your mom again after she said that?'

Or he would go into the passive-aggressive stuff like 'fine, I get it, I'm just the worker bee, I'm just the paycheck, you go out shopping and spend my money' (forgetting that I, too, worked full time).

Not to mention all the things you've described.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And no, I didn't realize it was happening, until years later, and I had given up my friends to stop his being upset, given up visiting my family to stop and angry whining, given up my hobbies cos they were 'selfish.'


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

So, your husband wants you to spend all your free time together and he gives you constant affection.









Seriously. At the risk of being labelled a controlling, abusive man, I'll say you're overreacting. I'm not saying you should enjoy your husband following you around like a puppy dog. I'm just saying it's not abuse.

Now, some people on these boards will disagree. Their definition of abuse includes anything that causes one spouse to be anything less than blissful. Those people will encourage you to break your vows of a lifetime of commitment to your husband. Since they have nothing invested in your relationship, it's no skin off their noses.

I encourage you to try to work through your problems. You should buy your husband the Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. That book isn't just about sex. It covers how husbands can be more attractive to their wives by doing things like giving them space and having independent interests. Don't read the book. Just give it to him and encourage him to read it. If he does, you should see new behaviors immediately.

Good luck.


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## Dave_nz (Apr 22, 2013)

wow, he is very insecure, verging on a total control freak. Take action now before he drags you down. he needs help. Unless he agrees to help you have some serious problems. good luck


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## EuphoricConfessions (Dec 20, 2012)

* Is it possible for a passive/people pleaser to be an abuser?*

He sounds like he may be a Nice Guy. Many Nice Guys are passive/people pleasers but they expect something in return, unbeknownst to the person receiving all of the affection.

He may have unspoken contracts you are not aware of.

I think you both need to schedule time out each week where you both do your own thing. Since it will be on the calender he will be forced to leave you alone next Wednesday from 6-9pm so you can read or do whatever you enjoy doing as a hobby.


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## JohnnyMyst (Feb 13, 2014)

girl82:

I've seen this behavior before. It is indicative of serious emotional and mental illness. There is serious danger here. At best he will make your life miserable. At worst this will escalate to violence. 

The longer you stay, the more he will fixate on you and the likeyhood of serious abuse will will increase. It can escalate to an "if I can't have her, no one can" situation.

If you live to be 150 years old, this is the best advice you will ever get:

*GET OUT. GET OUT NOW.*


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

hmmmm you say you moved and are both away from your friends, and your husband has said he doesn't do certain things because he doesn't want to take time away from you or make you lonely... I think maybe that your husband is possibly trying to comfort you for a reason that doesn't actually exist for you (or maybe it does) that he realizes you moved away from friends and wants to make sure that you are happy and not lonely and sad and are adjusting well? Maybe he thinks it has been harder for you than it actually has, or he's trying to prevent you from feeling too isolated? It doesn't sound like you are struggling with this (correct me if I'm wrong) so maybe let him know that you are in fact happy and making friends (since you say you go out with people) and that he doesn't have to worry about you. Maybe suggest that you both have nights with your friends separately on the exact same days, like a simultaneous boys night and girls night, and both make separate plans with your friends. Then nobody has to worry about anybody feeling left out, and you can get time away from him and he can learn that he can be with his friends without including you. It's definitely a start to see if it can curb his behavior.


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