# My 16 year old son's girlfriend 16, has been cheating for 5 months ?



## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

I learned from her mom said that she admitted this to her 5 months ago almost crying. Her mom brought it up yesterday and she says she is still doing it and hasn't told him about.
She says if he doesn't find then it's not a problem. She told her mom 5 months ago, but she's been cheating with a boy in her P.E class for longer I guess.
She told me that shes tried yalking to her telling her these kinds of things aren't right, telling her she needs to come forward and tell him the truth, or just break up with him. She refuses and downplays what's she's doing.
I'm thinking of just telling him, maybe through text or something, I was even thinking of anonymously dming him on Instagram or Twitter from a throwaway account.
Should I get involved in anyway


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You should tell your son, but you should probably have proof of it if possible. You also need to teach him how to properly handle it though. The last thing you need is him deciding to beat up the PE kid or his girlfriend or something. Tell him what's going on and teach him how to handle it in a mature and respectful way.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Text the girlfriend and tell her she has 24 hours to tell him or you will.


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Text the girlfriend and tell her she has 24 hours to tell him or you will.


I could try to get her number


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Text the girlfriend and tell her she has 24 hours to tell him or you will.


^^This. You do realise that your son is at risk of an STD?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

My issue with telling the GF to come clean "or else"... You would be giving her time to cover things up, delete texts and pictures, and come up with a cover story.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I think since the mom has been somewhat transparent, it might be good to give her a heads up or even sort of "ask"... Sort of like abusing privileged information. The mother really didn't have an obligation to share. maybe her get her in the loop, then hit the girlfriend and probably be ready to coach your kid on an appropriate reaction, which is actually to get away from both of them.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

bobert said:


> My issue with telling the GF to come clean "or else"... You would be giving her time to cover things up, delete texts and pictures, and come up with a cover story.


They are 16yo. This doesn't need to be a life ending event. Usually people of this age just admit things once they know that people know. Her mom knows, boys mom knows, there is not much she can really say.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

bobsmith said:


> They are 16yo. This doesn't need to be a life ending event. Usually people of this age just admit things once they know that people know. Her mom knows, boys mom knows, there is not much she can really say.


I've known cheating 16 year olds who 20 years later still lie about it when everyone knows the truth and saw it with their own eyes. I've also been a borderline cheating 16 year old and I know how I acted when questioned. I stand by my opinion.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Momma101 said:


> I learned from her mom said that she admitted this to her 5 months ago almost crying. Her mom brought it up yesterday and she says she is still doing it and hasn't told him about.
> She says if he doesn't find then it's not a problem. She told her mom 5 months ago, but she's been cheating with a boy in her P.E class for longer I guess.
> She told me that shes tried yalking to her telling her these kinds of things aren't right, telling her she needs to come forward and tell him the truth, or just break up with him. She refuses and downplays what's she's doing.
> I'm thinking of just telling him, maybe through text or something, I was even thinking of anonymously dming him on Instagram or Twitter from a throwaway account.
> Should I get involved in anyway


So what's your own perspective on this? You're a self-described single mom. Is there anything your son's going through that you can relate to? What is the definition of "cheating" for a 16 year old? 

I'm torn as to how your son should learn about this. On the one hand, he's 16, he's supposedly resilient and will bounce back. On the other, this is a really tough lesson to learn. If the two of them are sexually active (or the three of them I should say) there's all sorts of responsibility regarding pregnancy and STDs. If the other guy knows about the situation, that she's also seeing your son, there are issues there as well. Trust and attachments are a really big thing and how things play out could affect him for a long time.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

This kind of post pisses me off. It's bad enough when you see a story of some kid that wants to protect the cheating parent because he or she is afraid of breaking the family apart. I can at least understand and sympathize with the indecisiveness. But you aren't going to lose your son for telling him the truth. Would you not tell him about the cheating if she got pregnant, only for him to find out maybe years down the line his kid isn't his but gym guy's? This is crap. Stop being a damn coward and let your son make an informed choice. Tell him or you've failed your son.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

The first thing you need to teach your son is how when being disrespected this way has consequences. You need to make sure he understands what self respect, self worth, and dignity as a man and as an individual is.

You must make sure that he will not act like a little weak boy that will think that is OK to accept this type of behavior from a partner. If you don't, you are setting him up for a life of failure by accepting disrespect from women.

Don't wait for anything or anybody. You have the info. TELL YOUR SON what you know, and how you know it. Don't beat around the bushes. Just explain to him what he must do as a man and as an individual, regardless of his sex, which is: dump the little cheating girlfriend and no matter how he is feeling inside, he must erase her from his life. Let this be a teaching lesson for how to act later on in life when real relationships go sour.
Please, do not hesitate on this. You instinctively know what would you expect from a man to behave in this type of situations. Teach him to be a strong man that will take no **** from anybody. Do it now.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Text the girlfriend and tell her she has 24 hours to tell him or you will.


Possibly too much time. She already knew she should admit to the cheating or at least end it with OP's son months ago. She should be sent a text arranging a specific time for her to come to as neutral of a place as possible to meet with OP's son, with both mother's present, not to interfere but to make sure everyone is kept calm, with the son being warned that something important is going to go down. If that is at 1 in the afternoon or 4 in the morning, it doesn't matter. Just as long as everyone is available to talk.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

And yes, you are a grown woman that is acting so cowardly, as to be thinking if you should tell your son. WTF. You are his mother. Arm him with courage to do what he must do.
I think That I'm upset for him.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> The first thing you need to teach your son is how when being disrespected this way has consequences. You need to make sure he understands what self respect, self worth, and dignity as a man and as an individual is.
> 
> You must make sure that he will not act like a little weak boy that will think that is OK to accept this type of behavior from a partner. If you don't, you are setting him up for a life of failure by accepting disrespect from women.
> 
> ...


Don't necessarily disagree, but I suspect her son may resist the claims of his mother. The GF's own mother may deny everything. Another risk is that the son directs his anger at gym guy. While I sympathize with telling the son without notice to his cheating, hopefully soon to be ex GF, I think it's prudent to make sure everyone remains calm and OP is there to help her son process everything.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OddOne said:


> Don't necessarily disagree, but I suspect her son may resist the claims of his mother. The GF's own mother may deny everything. Another risk is that the son directs his anger at gym guy. While I sympathize with telling the son without notice to his cheating, hopefully soon to ex GF, I think it's prudent to make sure everyone remains calm and OP is there to help her son process everything.


Please, that's how pathetic weak behavior is taught to young children this days.
It has become so pathetic that today's children even late teen, are put a blind to their eyes, to their ears, to their mouth, so they can see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Enough with the ultra protection of kids, we are making then useless for later on in life. 

If this kid's mother the OP, can't teach her son how to control himself in this type of situations now, when will this kid learn? 

Enough already. Teach them to be self reliant, confident, and in control of themselves to be able to tackle anything coming their way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs to know. And sooner rather than later.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

bobert said:


> I've known cheating 16 year olds who 20 years later still lie about it when everyone knows the truth and saw it with their own eyes. I've also been a borderline cheating 16 year old and I know how I acted when questioned. I stand by my opinion.


What I am saying is you don't handle matters the same with a 16yo as you would a 36yo. I am NOT saying the girl need lenience but her little secret is likely already out and it doesn't need worked like a divorce case! 

However, I a firmly affixed on the mother of the girl right now. She sounds like your typical push over single mom, with no dad to enforce things. This girl is sexually active at 16?????????? HELLO!!!! And her mom is just telling her she "should not cheat"..... OMG, if my kid did that, I would own their car, their phone, and their privacy. Teaching that girl it is wrong right NOW is her mother's job, and she has so far failed as a parent IMO. 

Pretty certain this little 16yo will be right over to TAM in 3-4 short yrs telling us all about her relationship drama.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

bobsmith said:


> What I am saying is you don't handle matters the same with a 16yo as you would a 36yo. I am NOT saying the girl need lenience but her little secret is likely already out and it doesn't need worked like a divorce case!
> 
> However, I a firmly affixed on the mother of the girl right now. She sounds like your typical push over single mom, with no dad to enforce things. This girl is sexually active at 16?????????? HELLO!!!! And her mom is just telling her she "should not cheat"..... OMG, if my kid did that, I would own their car, their phone, and their privacy. Teaching that girl it is wrong right NOW is her mother's job, and she has so far failed as a parent IMO.
> 
> Pretty certain this little 16yo will be right over to TAM in 3-4 short yrs telling us all about her relationship drama.


Telling her son without warning the GF isn't "treating this like a divorce case". The OP doesn't owe the GF a damn thing. She should be looking out for her son, not setting him up for a worse situation or protecting the GF. Also, she's not the parent of the GF... she really shouldn't be giving her ultimatums like that. 

Yes, the other mother sounds like she sucks but we're not getting her side of the story. That being said, someone isn't a "bad parent" because their teenager is sexually active. It's a normal part of life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Momma101 said:


> I learned from her mom said that she admitted this to her 5 months ago almost crying. Her mom brought it up yesterday and she says she is still doing it and hasn't told him about.
> She says if he doesn't find then it's not a problem. She told her mom 5 months ago, but she's been cheating with a boy in her P.E class for longer I guess.
> She told me that shes tried yalking to her telling her these kinds of things aren't right, telling her she needs to come forward and tell him the truth, or just break up with him. She refuses and downplays what's she's doing.
> I'm thinking of just telling him, maybe through text or something, I was even thinking of anonymously dming him on Instagram or Twitter from a throwaway account.
> Should I get involved in anyway


Tell your son NOW. Why would you think you have any allegiance to that asshole girlfriend. If he finds out you knew and didn't protect him it will do great damage to your relationship. The Mom told you so you would tell anyway.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OddOne said:


> This kind of post pisses me off. It's bad enough when you see a story of some kid that wants to protect the cheating parent because he or she is afraid of breaking the family apart. I can at least understand and sympathize with the indecisiveness. But you aren't going to lose your son for telling him the truth. Would you not tell him about the cheating if she got pregnant, only for him to find out maybe years down the line his kid isn't his but gym guy's? This is crap. Stop being a damn coward and let your son make an informed choice. Tell him or you've failed your son.


Amen. Where is the mother's instinct to protect her baby? I can't even imagine. Imagine the hurt of finding out at that young age but then learning your Mom knew about it and didn't help you?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OP have you cheated before?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Oh teenagers. With those pesky underdeveloped prefrontal cortex’s. Mixed with raging hormones and a good dose of an invincibility complex, what could possibly go wrong?

Does he have a good father to sit him down and have this conversation? I think coming from a man it might be better, for advice and guidance on what to do. Obviously it might be good if his dad could defer to you for the confirmation. “Son, your girlfriend is a skank. Your dear mom here heard it straight from the girl’s mom.”

Maybe he won’t beleive you, but he will eventually find out you were right. You’ll have a clear conscience regardless. 
Secondly, the reason you MUST tell him; if there is even one tiny chance he found out you knew... well that’s worse than a cheating high school girlfriend. That mom betrayal. How long might it take for him to trust you again?? 
P.S. mature and well developed people don’t need their mom to manage their feelings. It’s insulting. At this point honesty and your ears (if he chooses to confide in you) are what he needs. 
P.P.S. Even if he isn’t mature and well developed, it’s never too late to treat him that way... and have the expectation that he act it.


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> So what's your own perspective on this? You're a self-described single mom. Is there anything your son's going through that you can relate to? What is the definition of "cheating" for a 16 year old?
> 
> I'm torn as to how your son should learn about this. On the one hand, he's 16, he's supposedly resilient and will bounce back. On the other, this is a really tough lesson to learn. If the two of them are sexually active (or the three of them I should say) there's all sorts of responsibility regarding pregnancy and STDs. If the other guy knows about the situation, that she's also seeing your son, there are issues there as well. Trust and attachments are a really big thing and how things play out could affect him for a long time.


My point exactly


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> He needs to know. And sooner rather than later.


Yes


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

sokillme said:


> OP have you cheated before?


No. Why?


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> Oh teenagers. With those pesky underdeveloped prefrontal cortex’s. Mixed with raging hormones and a good dose of an invincibility complex, what could possibly go wrong?
> 
> Does he have a good father to sit him down and have this conversation? I think coming from a man it might be better, for advice and guidance on what to do. Obviously it might be good if his dad could defer to you for the confirmation. “Son, your girlfriend is a skank. Your dear mom here heard it straight from the girl’s mom.”
> 
> ...


Yes Imma have to tslk to him


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Text the girlfriend and tell her she has 24 hours to tell him or you will.


Does this strategy work?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Momma101 said:


> Does this strategy work?


Personally, I don't think it will work.
You don't know what she will do or what story she will create to blindside you son.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

He needs to know no matter how he is told so he can stop wasting his time and money on a cheater.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would thank the other momma and give her a heads up that you are going to inform your son. Would she be willing to substantiate the cheating that her daughter is doing?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It wouldn't hurt to also have a talk about how to handle this like bobert mentioned.

He needs to know that it isn't he that has a problem but his girlfriend. She has some pretty messed up issues that she needs to sort and he needs to walk away and make sure his next lady is more classy.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Momma101 said:


> Does this strategy work?


What do you have to lose? People generally prefer to get news first hand rather than third hand. If she hasn't told him by your deadline, then you tell your son that you've heard some distressing news that involves him and his girlfriend. Ask him how he wants this handled - you can tell him straight out or he can get his girlfriend on the phone and ask her if she has anything to tell him. If she doesn't, then tell him.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Momma101 said:


> Yes Imma have to tslk to him


When you do, you need to explain to him that a 16-24+ year old girl/women are fickle, too young to know what they are looking, as likely to be in love with a Justin Beaver type as the teenage hood down the block. She's granenteed to be a temporary GF whether either like it or not, any idea of a serious relationship is going to end badly where one or the other gets ditched, he should view it as a stepping stone to the next temporary relationship with less than 25 year olds, the female holds the rejection cards, don’t take the apparent teenage female fickleness and hypocrisy personally. It’s just part of their social programming and the way that the game is set up. That's the reality and when you argue with reality you always lose. 
In case I haven’t totally been totally clear, don't give your son well meaning relationship advice such as the classic, "tell her how you feel, what you're afraid of, how much she's hurting you." As a woman, you know what a woman really thinks of a man that does that. I don't think you want you son, trained by you, to think women respect such whining and groveling.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Teaching your son to be strong about it is a very fortunate opportunity here. I'd sit him down, tell him what the other mom told you, and guide him on how mature adults should react in this situation, which is, to calmly but firmly exit the relationship.

My daughter is a few years older, but back in HS, she would tell me all kinds of tales of her acquaintances cheating. Jumping to the next lily pad before breaking up with their boyfriends. It's pretty common in HS. These are likely people who will do this in their more serious relationships too. Better off cutting the cord now.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Momma101 said:


> No. Why?


Because from your reaction I would think that maybe you don't understand the devastation your son is going to go through which would make sense from someone who has done this kind of thing to others in their life and takes it for granted, or is forced to deal with their own behavior in the context of their child. 

It will be much worse if he knows you knew about it and didn't help him, this is a double betrayal.

I don't understand why you do you not want to kill (figuratively) this girl for doing this to your son? You are posting on a message board about it. To me and I think some of the other posters this seems like a serious under-reaction.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

teenage kids "cheating"?

LOL.

I will alert the media.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Momma101 said:


> I learned from her mom said that she admitted this to her 5 months ago almost crying. Her mom brought it up yesterday and she says she is still doing it and hasn't told him about.
> She says if he doesn't find then it's not a problem. She told her mom 5 months ago, but she's been cheating with a boy in her P.E class for longer I guess.
> She told me that shes tried yalking to her telling her these kinds of things aren't right, telling her she needs to come forward and tell him the truth, or just break up with him. She refuses and downplays what's she's doing.
> I'm thinking of just telling him, maybe through text or something, I was even thinking of anonymously dming him on Instagram or Twitter from a throwaway account.
> Should I get involved in anyway


 No brainer. You tell your son. Your son's GF has failed the dating game. This in turn fails at the marriage game. Tell your son in person.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Momma101 said:


> Does this strategy work?


I don't like this strategy at all.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

All I know is that when I tried to get involved with my 16 year old son's romantic relationship, it didn't go too well. When you haven't been a teen for 16 years, you kind of get out of touch. 
I wouldn't even post on this thread except. I'm not seeing much advice that focuses on priorities. The first priority is the physical safety of the children. Yes the cheating child, the betrayed child, and the complicit other man child. Handle this wrong and any one of them could be injured. A sensible public safety officer would forcibly separate them. Of course that would mean 6 weeks out of school, minimum.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It is really a no brainer. Tell your son at the soonest opportunity. 

He's young, he needs to practice these things now while he can get out from under problems quickly and move on.

But, have him tested for STDs, just to be sure on his health.

Getting tested and used to talking with Drs about his health will be good experience for him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

After five months, it's surprising that the whole school doesn't know. Maybe her son already knows.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> After five months, it's surprising that the whole school doesn't know. Maybe her son already knows.


Yep


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> I would thank the other momma and give her a heads up that you are going to inform your son. Would she be willing to substantiate the cheating that her daughter is doing?


What does that mean ?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Momma101 said:


> I learned from her mom said that she admitted this to her 5 months ago almost crying. Her mom brought it up yesterday and she says she is still doing it and hasn't told him about.
> She says if he doesn't find then it's not a problem. She told her mom 5 months ago, but she's been cheating with a boy in her P.E class for longer I guess.
> She told me that shes tried yalking to her telling her these kinds of things aren't right, telling her she needs to come forward and tell him the truth, or just break up with him. She refuses and downplays what's she's doing.
> I'm thinking of just telling him, maybe through text or something, I was even thinking of anonymously dming him on Instagram or Twitter from a throwaway account.
> Should I get involved in anyway


OK, I have a much different perspective on this.

First, by "cheating" I assume that you either know or feel that they are suppose to be at the age of 16 minus 5 months years of age in a sexually monogamous relationship? And you seem to be OK with that? I wouldn't be. I think that your son has or is about to learn some harsh life lessons that will help prepare him for adulthood.

You should first sit your son down and talk with him about sex, safe sex, contraception and waiting to have sex with someone until he is sure that he will not become emotionally vulnerable to be hurt by her.

Next you really need to think about why this other mother told you what she did? Was she trying to manipulate you, manipulate your son, or manipulate her daughter? Is she trying to use you?

As you contemplate the reason for her telling you, you need to contemplate why you would or would not tell you son what you heard and what questions might run through his mind about why you are telling him. If your son is and has been engaged in underage sexual activity with a very young girl, there is probably little that will cause him to restrict his promiscuity. If he and this girl are really in a close intimate relationship he probably already suspects or knows what is going on after 5 months. If not he may deserve to learn a rather harsh life lesson. He may feel you are trying to ruin his relationship, your interfering may burn bridges with his taking advice or seeking future advice from you.

After all is said and done, in addition to talking to your son about sex, safe sex, contraception and waiting until you expose your emotional vulnerability to another, I would tell him that you have heard something that you find troubling because you don't want him to be hurt and you will not say where you heard it from. Tell him that you have been told that he probably should be tested for STD's as he may not be in a monogamous relationship. Tell him that you are there to answer any questions he may have about sex, love and relationships, but you are not going to share anything you have heard and you are not going to force him to do anything, but expect him to act responsibly.

Good luck.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Dear @Momma101 ,
You have brought your question to a group of adults who have mostly been through adult infidelity and divorce. A lot of what we know and how we handle a cheating situation is too adult for your situation. For example we would advise a quick and unexpected exposure of the affair. This will work on adults who are secure in their emotions. It will quickly bring a wayward spouse to a decision point. The same revelation could easily convince a 16 year old girl that her life is over. I'm looking at a group of three teenagers who are about to go through an emotional wringer like they have never seen. They may bounce lightly and get on with their life, but they might shatter. Which is Why I think that they need to be able to go through a day without seeing the person who betrayed them. 
The goal here is not to repair a relationship. The goal here is not to save a marriage. The goal is that three kids get through this a little smarter than they were going in. Hopefully with no injuries, arrests or pregnancies. Don't take any action that doesn't firmly point all of you to that resolution. You have been made aware that a storm is coming. Make sure you and yours are ready for it.
OH and if you own guns, lock them up.
MN


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

if your son finds out later that you knew and did not tell him it 
will hurt worse because he will be faced with a double betrayal,
the GF then the mom.

waiting to tell him will not lessen the pain or help this boy.

tell this boy tonight.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

gold5932 said:


> I don't like this strategy at all.


What is your suggestion for the OP?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Momma101 said:


> What does that mean ?


See if the other momma will tell your son about her daughter cheating.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> What is your suggestion for the OP?


You have a frank talk with your son about how to deal with this and you tell him immediately. You know the whole school knows.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> See if the other momma will tell your son about her daughter cheating.


Why? To avoid being the bearer of bad news? I'd much rather be in control of that conversation and be there for my son, than have someone other parent handling such a sensitive topic and lord knows how they'd handle it, if they'd blame my son, etc.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

bobert said:


> Why? To avoid being the bearer of bad news? I'd much rather be in control of that conversation and be there for my son, than have someone other parent handling such a sensitive topic and lord knows how they'd handle it, if they'd blame my son, etc.


I was explaining the definition of the word "substantiate" to her.


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> See if the other momma will tell your son about her daughter cheating.


That might work. Good thing we get along. But tonight's gonna have to be the night


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

I really don't understand why this is even a question? I've not raised a boy but I come on. Isn't this teaching them the wrong thing?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jesus, I can see in this tread the pussifycation of society as a whole. We can not even open our mouths anymore without shaking in fear first.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Momma101 , 

Here's the thing: your son was dating his GF, and may have even thought they were exclusive or whatever kids now call "going steady"  But dating is actually a time when one person gets to know another person to see if they are reasonable as a spouse. He has learned very clearly that this current GF is NOT someone to consider as a spouse. 

Now I realize that as young adults, it feels like more or like they have always been close and felt "in love"...but in real life what happened is that he found out she does not now have the tools to know how to love in the way that you love for a marriage. She may have feelings--he may have feelings--but she didn't (and maybe couldn't) act in a loving way by being faithful so check her off the list! She's not a catch. 

Tell him. He will be sad, and he will move on to another girl who may have the tools necessary to love him well.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Why is this so hard. Go into your sons room, sit on the bed - "Son sit here I need to talk to you, I am sorry to be the one to tell you but blah blah has been cheating on you, her Mom told me, I am not sure why, I guess she didn't think I would tell you. I'm sorry I know it hurts, but I love you and no one does that to my baby. She is a jerk and you deserve better. Unfortunately there are snakes like this in this world, but even though it doesn't fell like this now, it's better you learn this young in life. I promise, you will get over this. But don't stay with that asshole, because you are better then her and you are a higher quality of person. You deserve much better. I love you."

Done. I could see my Mom doing that when I was a kid. Seriously it's not that hard. Tell him, he will be better for it, so will your relationship.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Look, we have to be realistic. This isn't 1962 anymore. She just didn't go to the sock hop with another guy instead of her "steady". 16 year olds now are sexually active, which means there's a risk of pregnancy, STDs, etc. 

Do you want your sone to be bound to this girl for the rest of his life because of a teen pregnancy? Do you want him to get an incurable herpes or HPV infection?

Time to stop it now. Tell him. I think the ultimatum to the girlfriend, ("tell him in 24 hours or I will") may not work. She may try to scheme a way out. it's best be frank with him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This is a teenage romance, there is a bigger benefit to learn about the nature of some people and to always watch your back, to not put up wit crap then there is if his highschool relationship breaks up. He will get over it and quickly and his Mom sticking up for him will not be forgotten. In the end this will make him stronger and wiser.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> See if the other momma will tell your son about her daughter cheating.


I think both mothers should tell him. With the daughter present, also.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I think both mothers should tell him. With the daughter present, also.


This is a good point, if I was the daughters Mother I would be very worried about her future, and my future Grand Children. I would also feel like a failure.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I think both mothers should tell him. With the daughter present, also.


To each their own. It would feel too much like making little kids get along to me.

I'm for informing and giving some advice on how to handle it and then letting the young man make some decisions and see the course he chooses while being supportive.

They are on the cusp of adulthood and the girl needs to experience repercussions for her behavior and hopefully change direction.

The boy needs to learn how to handle himself in the world and dealing with a fickle woman is part and parcel of walking the earth as a man.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If it was she was my kid I would make her tell him in person we me present. Better to learn the lesson now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> To each their own. It would feel too much like making little kids get along to me.
> 
> I'm for informing and giving some advice on how to handle it and then letting the young man make some decisions and see the course he chooses while being supportive.
> 
> ...


Oh, no. I was thinking more like an intervention for the daughter with the mothers taking the son's side.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Are we adults and parents here or are teenagers ourselves?

This is a parenting and reachable moment. This is a life lesson in the making.

What would you do if you found out from another parent your child was drinking and driving or taking drugs?

What would you do if you found out your child was cheating on schoolwork?

What would you do if you found out your child and his/her group of friends were shoplifting and stealing from a local store? 

What would you do if this was your 16 year old daughter who was dating the star quarterback and he was banging every chick in school behind her back? 

Parenthood was never meant to clean and easy or painless. 

Our first job as parents is to feed and nurture and protect them when they are unable to take care of themselves.

Our second job is to raise them into adults that can take care of themselves.

This is a just another challenge and part of of the minefield that is teenage life and what and how they learn to deal with it now will be something then carry forward with them into adulthood.

This is what parents and grandparents back in my day used to call facts of life and you were sat down and told how it it is and how you deal with it going forward and that life is not always fair, fun or comfortable.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And I urge people to not poo poo teen love and teen relationships or to try to dismiss their significance.

We as adults may know that teens are fickle and what is a great love today may be all but forgotten in a matter of weeks. 

But to the teens themselves, it can have profound significance in the moment. It is very serious to them. 

16 year old males can lash out violently and can have the physical strength and ability to do great harm to themselves and others. 

16 year females can also react violently but often either turn that inward in self harm. And while girls don’t attack others physically as much as boys, they will target and attack other people’s relationships and try to destroy people’s connections to others. 

These things need to be taken seriously and addressed as significant events and situations. 

Don’t blow things off or poo poo them because they are 16. 

Take them seriously and address them because the kids take them very seriously at the time.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I don't think the big problem is the teenager cheating. 

The big problem to me is the mom coming here unsure of what to do. 

As a mom of a boy and a girl, there's no doubt in my mind about my actions to protect my children.

I would have told my son as soon as I found out. Why? I'm doing my son a favor. I'm protecting him from girls who are not ready to be loyal to him. That's my job. I remember being 16. I remember wanting loyalty from my boyfriend and I remember leaving someone because he wasn't ready to have an exclusive relationship with me. It hurt like crazy but I survived and I'm glad I wasn't blind to his intentions.

Children are resilient, I'm sure the kid will be fine. He will learn a lesson to keep his eyes open and hopefully he'll find someone loyal to love. 

Mom, you need to find your courage and be ready to defend and protect your son even if the conversation is uncomfortable or painful. You have to see the big picture in every situation.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

pastasauce79 said:


> I don't think the big problem is the teenager cheating.
> 
> The big problem to me is the mom coming here unsure of what to do.
> 
> ...


But this isn't always the case.

I remember one young man of 17 who found his girlfriend was cheating on him and he took his own life.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> But this isn't always the case.
> 
> I remember one young man of 17 who found his girlfriend was cheating on him and he took his own life.


Yes these things have to be taken seriously. Teenagers by nature are self-centered, impulsive and can only see things in the moment. That is why they are not considered legal adults until 18 and do not have full adult rights and priveledges until 21 and some businesses will not do business with them until 25. 

Both boys and girls in their teen can do great acts of violence and harm to both themselves and others.

They may later realize it was wrong and regret it, but the harm may already be done.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> Yes these things have to be taken seriously. Teenagers by nature are self-centered, impulsive and can only see things in the moment. That is why they are not considered legal adults until 18 and do not have full adult rights and priveledges until 21 and some businesses will not do business with them until 25.
> 
> Both boys and girls in their teen can do great acts of violence and harm to both themselves and others.
> 
> They may later realize it was wrong and regret it, but the harm may already be done.


You are absolutely right. What you have left out is how much long-term damage can be done during those years, if there's no centering influence in their lives. Especially if you have a kid without many same-sex friends. Their whole world can become unhinged in a way that they might become reactive to and affect their relationships down the road. I have no experience in such things. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada. I wish.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> I think both mothers should tell him. With the daughter present, also.





MattMatt said:


> Oh, no. I was thinking more like an intervention for the daughter with the mothers taking the son's side.


I respectfully disagree. Use common sense and just tell him privately or, better, have the boy's father tell him if he's in the picture. I think planning an "intervention" to talk it through with his mother and another woman doesn't make any sense at all in my humble opinion. Of course all kids are different but if we assume learning this news will be very hurtful for him, that scenario very likely could add to the trauma of it all. It's likely to be a much more humiliating experience for a young man than just simply being told privately and sensitively by his mother or, better, his father. And as far as taking the son's side, the mother might be sympathetic to the boy's situation and feel bad for what her daughter did as she goes into that conversation/"intervention", but at the end of the day, her number one priority is her daughter (as it should be), not her daughter's boyfriend and there's no telling where that conversation will go and how the girl's mother would react. This would be a recipe for disaster for many different reasons.

Why would an "intervention" including his girlfriend's mother present be better for the boy than just telling him privately? I struggle to see any potential upside to this and a lot of potential downside.


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

Thank you everyone for the advice and imput.
I went on and sat him down and explained what was happening. 
Hes upset now but at least he knows the truth.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Momma101 said:


> Thank you everyone for the advice and imput.
> I went on and sat him down and explained what was happening.
> Hes upset now but at least he knows the truth.


Good. I commend you. Hopefully she will apologize to him and not try and push him into reconciling with her if he doesn't want to. The best thing will be if she leaves him alone.


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

OddOne said:


> Good. I commend you. Hopefully she will apologize to him and not try and push him into reconciling with her if he doesn't want to. The best thing will be if she leaves him alone.


Yes


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yep


I just informed him


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

frusdil said:


> ^^This. You do realise that your son is at risk of an STD?


Yes O told hom thnx


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> But this isn't always the case.
> 
> I remember one young man of 17 who found his girlfriend was cheating on him and he took his own life.


I pray this doesn't happen. I hope he can bounce back and find a good girl to fall in love with.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Momma101 said:


> Thank you everyone for the advice and imput.
> I went on and sat him down and explained what was happening.
> Hes upset now but at least he knows the truth.


Good to see that common sense prevailed and you just kept it simple and told him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hope he will be OK.


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

JustTheWife said:


> Good to see that common sense prevailed and you just kept it simple and told him.


Yeah knowing for that long sucked


MattMatt said:


> Hope he will be OK.


He should


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Momma101 said:


> Thank you everyone for the advice and imput.
> I went on and sat him down and explained what was happening.
> Hes upset now but at least he knows the truth.


So is there a father (bio or otherwise) in the picture for your son? Whether there is or is not, and why, could have an effect on your son's potential feelings of loss, abandonment & trust issues. Not suggesting a single parent can't do a great job raising a kid!!! But there are going to be differences in how the world is seen based on such things.


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> So is there a father (bio or otherwise) in the picture for your son? Whether there is or is not, and why, could have an effect on your son's potential feelings of loss, abandonment & trust issues. Not suggesting a single parent can't do a great job raising a kid!!! But there are going to be differences in how the world is seen based on such things.


Nope. Dad passed in 2008


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

One quick thing @Momma101 --- did you make sure that your son realizes that NOTHING he did caused the cheating?
It's just that this girl has her own set of issues which caused this? Make sure you do that so that this doesn't tank his self-esteem. He needs to know that SHE is the one at fault, not him.


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> One quick thing @Momma101 --- did you make sure that your son realizes that NOTHING he did caused the cheating?
> It's just that this girl has her own set of issues which caused this? Make sure you do that so that this doesn't tank his self-esteem. He needs to know that SHE is the one at fault, not him.


Yes I did. Thanks for the tips


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Has he spoken with/broken up with his gf yet?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Momma101 said:


> Nope. Dad passed in 2008


Sorry to hear that, for both of you.


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

OddOne said:


> Has he spoken with/broken up with his gf yet?


Not sure


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> Sorry to hear that, for both of you.


Ty


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Whilst the young man might intellectually understand that it was not his fault that his girl friend cheated on him for five months, his heart might tell him a different thing. There will probably be moments of self-doubt when he will question his manliness, his value as a person, etc.

Has she met him to explain herself to him?


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## Momma101 (Sep 30, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> Whilst the young man might intellectually understand that it was not his fault that his girl friend cheated on him for five months, his heart might tell him a different thing. There will probably be moments of self-doubt when he will question his manliness, his value as a person, etc.
> 
> Has she met him to explain herself to him?


Im not sure. How can she justify 5+ straight months of cheating??
I told him about it then left iit up to him on what to do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Momma101 said:


> Im not sure. How can she justify 5+ straight months of cheating??
> I told him about it then left iit up to him on what to do.


She can't. Unless she didn't see it as cheating which means she isn't relationship material until she matures some?


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Momma101 said:


> Im not sure. How can she justify 5+ straight months of cheating??
> I told him about it then left iit up to him on what to do.


There is no justification for cheating. I was about the same age as your son when I caught my GF with the OM. Wish she would have simply said the relationship was not working/would like to see other people instead of going silent which spurned me to investigate. It is a punch to the gut. Your sons GF failed the dating game and possible marriage down the road. Mostly the XGF failed at being human game and being forthcoming with her poor choice in cheating. I hope your son completely ghosts his XGF. NC is the best way. It will be a while before your son looks to trust another potential GF. It took me a better part of 3 years. Assure your son there young ladies out there who are on the up and up, will love and respect him. I'm living proof of it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

At 16 yrs old, for there to be any expectations of characteristics of an older, mature, ltr is just not logical. 

Just let it happen like it's going to, no real or serious worries. Those times are just for practice. Easy in easy out.

I know I and my friends would have 4 or 5 gfs a year plus dates, from 13yrs old to 17.

No blood no foul.


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