# Losing a son



## JP12

We lost our son just over a year and a half ago, stillborn at 38 weeks. A year prior to that we had a miscarriage. On the eve of our son’s birthday the wife and I had a long talk, really about everything in our relationship. As I feel we have been on cruise control the last 7-8 years and our emotional and physical intimacy has really taken a back seat with raising our other 2 children. We do have a tough time communicating on any real issues and it can turn into a defensive battle; instead of a constructive conversation sometimes. Anyway, come to find out in the midst of that conversation my wife point blankly said that she didn’t need me for any emotional support or in her grief. I was taken aback and honestly hurt by that comment. My wife is a strong women, and when her father passed away about 6 years ago she really didn’t grieve much; at least in front of me. I understand that grieving is a private process and I respect that we all grieve differently, but in a marriage we should at least be able to come back to each other once in a while to lean on each other; especially in this situation since no one else really knows what we are going through. I personally don’t have anyone else to count on in terms of support. I have my mother and one other close friend, but they both offer limited help; as much as I appreciate it. I am currently in counseling and that has helped somewhat. I am curious, though if anyone has had any experience with their significant other being so emotionally withdrawn from them given the situation. I understand that bringing things up can be upsetting, but my wife pushes to be happy and has been trying to get life back to “normal” I understand the desire to get things back to “normal” but my thought is that things have changed and that our “normal” is now different. I assume she may be in denial. Please any advice to help hurdle this wall. I feel so distant, more than ever, from my wife and I feel like if we can’t weather this storm together, that it may cause a permanent rift in our relationship. The last thing I want is divorce or separation, mainly for our kids, but I feel like I am at my wits end here. Thanks for any and all who read this.


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## farsidejunky

I am terribly sorry for your loss.

This may sound harsh, but from my purview, you are the one in denial.

Your wife is checked out. You have a walk-away wife who has yet to walk away...but make no mistake...it is coming. Perhaps once the children are at or near an age to take care of themselves. 

The real question for you is if you are willing to try to reforge that connection. That said, often once lost, the connection simply can't be restored.

What if it can't be restored? Is it important enough for you to walk?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## JP12

Thank you for your comment. I assume that I may be in denial as to what my relationship with my wife is now? 

Her attitude has been one of 'to just move on' Any grieving that she did was private and rightly so, to some degree. But none of it included me; even when I asked questions as to how she feels or what I can do. She has never come to me for any support and when I try to offer she doesn't seem to want it or tells me she doesn't need me for that. When I asked that I needed someone to share in my misery, she said she just couldn't do that for or with me.

In terms of our 'grieving together' I feel it has just not happened between us. That connection emotionally has been non-existent. 

She's a good mother and fine wife. But on this subject we have really disconnected and has honestly changed my outlook as to what the depth of our relationship is and could potentially be for emotional support now and into the future. 

Re-forging an emotional connection that was never actually there after a tragedy such as this, seems like a daunting task we if aren't on the same page......

......and as to your statement if it can't be restored, do I walk? I guess I don't know what the straw would be for me to leave....if it's not in-fact already staring at me in the face....


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## farsidejunky

I had the impression that it hadn't always been that way. Has it?

Also, is your wife on the ASD spectrum?

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## gold5932

I don't find this at all odd. I don't need others to grieve. I'll definitely listen to others but I don't talk about my grief with anyone except my therapist. I think it's avoidance but that's the way I deal.


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## Openminded

gold5932 said:


> I don't find this at all odd. I don't need others to grieve. I'll definitely listen to others but I don't talk about my grief with anyone except my therapist. I think it's avoidance but that's the way I deal.


I agree. That’s the way I grieve as well.


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## frusdil

I am so very sorry for your heartbreaking losses OP, absolutely horrendous losses you have both experienced.

While your loss is the same as your wife's, your experience is very different to hers, no two people grieve the same way. I suspect your wife has shut herself off because she simply cannot bear to deal with the grief head on, and she can't help you because she simply has nothing left to give to anyone. I don't believe she is grieving, merely existing.

I'm glad you're seeing someone to talk things through, and I'm so sorry that your wife isn't able to give you what you need right now. My heart breaks for both of you.

Much love xx


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## JP12

I understood the private grief when her father died. I was somewhat similar when my father passed. But this is/was different, this was our son.....a shared experience. In conception (obviously), pregnancy, his birth.....but not his death? Maybe that's my struggle.

My wife is not on the spectrum. She has always 'struggled' with vulnerability. Intimacy (both physical & emotional) has always been an issue between us and communication has definitely broken down as of late.

I just struggle to find or make a connection with her after all this......maybe the issue is with myself.

Thanks for all your comments.


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