# Husband's friends took him away from family time showing up at the door to party



## sherryberry (Feb 16, 2015)

Yesterday night DH and I went to his grandma's house to spend time with his family. We rode with his sister in 1 car to make it easier and agreed we wouldn't go anywhere else after. During yhe times, his friends kept texting and calling him to come over and drink. He kept telling them no and he can't anyways because he didn't have a car. They said they would pick him up and he said no. Next thing you know they shownup at the door all jolly. 

He asked if I wanted to go to the party and I said no. So when he told them he would go I asked if I could talk to him in private. I told him I am beyond angry and felt completely disrespected by his friends to even do that. He saw how upset I was and said "Fine I won't go" he seemed annoyed so I panicked and said i didn't care if he went. But he insisted he stayed...so he went to tell his friends and then later told me he was leaving because they begged him to go.

Later that night I found him home drunk and throwing up. Next morning after a few pukes he comes to me and looks at me and asks "are u mad at me?" And I responded "yes I'm very mad at you." I told him I've never felt so angry and disrespected in the years I've been with him. And how much it hurt me when he decided to go when he knew I was hurt. I asked why did he have to go. He said "idk...they just really wanted me to. It won't happen again". Tears are coming out and I tell him it showed that he didn't care as much how I felt and that all his friends do is get drunk and try to get him drunk. This is rare, he sees them maybe once or twice a month but they always try to get him drunk. We are 25-32 you would think they would've grown up!! He didn't seem annoyed and seemed sorry for what he did. We just hugged and I kissed him...but I can't help but feel angry inside but I'll move forward

The convo played over in my mind but didn't go how I wanted it to. What else could I have done? I can't let this happen again, did I get through to him? He seemed more understanding today than when it all happened yesterday and is paying for it with a hangover.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You couldn't have done anything about him going. I would say he's a grown man, but he isn't.

Is this the marriage you want? Do you want a husband who disrespects his grandmother, family and wife to appease a bunch of drunks?


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

sherryberry said:


> I told him I am beyond angry and felt completely disrespected by HIS FRIENDS to even do that.
> 
> and then later told me he was leaving because THEY begged him to go.
> 
> ...


The very first thing you need to do is stop putting this on his friends. Even the title of the thread puts it on them. Look at all the statements above and change the the words capitalized to him and he. 

You were not disrespected by his friends, you were disrespected by him. He wanted to go and did. They don't "get" him drunk, he gets drunk. You think he would have grown up by now. 

You aren't getting through to HIM as long as both of you put this on his friends. You can't fix a problem you don't own.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

coffee4me said:


> The very first thing you need to do is stop putting this on his friends.


Exactly that.

Don't be buying into that 'bad crowd' nonsense. It's a misguided excuse for wayward teens,, and no excuse at all for an adult.

Both 'join' because they're attracted to it. No 'compulsory membership' forces them to stay.

They are OF the crowd,, not an innocent, hapless satellite.

I understand the lure of go getting shítfaced with your mates but, if you're in a relationship, you forego random, ad-hoc partying. That's single guy stuff.

No reason to stop doing it altogether,, but arrange it around your other priorities and responsibilities,, like an adult.

If you want to act single,, BE single. If you want a happy, secure relationship you have to curb your excesses.

Strange kinda friends that don't respect him initially saying no. And a pretty weak guy who can't stand up to them. Nobody respects a flip-flopper.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

I would have handed my buddies $20 and said here is the first round on me. I appreciate your enthusiasm and friendship completely but you shouldn't have come. My family is important to me so I cant go. You all have fun. Sorry I cant make it. Please forgive me but I gotta stand firm on this one. Happy trails.

This is not your husbands friends that are the problem. It is your husband. If it happens again, you got problems. If it doesn't he was sincere. That is the test. 

Don't bring it up again. If there is a next time, don't panic. It is correct to stand up for your family and your own feelings. 

Hug


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## sherryberry (Feb 16, 2015)

@yupitsme, I agree. If it happens again I'll have more issues to deal with and would have to reflect on some things. 

Thanks.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is on your husband. He couldn't tell his friends he wasn't going and really mean it. Maybe he thought it wasn't a big deal. Now he knows how you feel about it. Hopefully, it won't happen again.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

The problem I have with this scenario is that H left you with HIS family. Sounds like you are close to his family which is wonderful but man I'd be hoppin mad if my H left me to entertain HIS family alone without him.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> The problem I have with this scenario is that H left you with HIS family. Sounds like you are close to his family which is wonderful but man I'd be hoppin mad if my H left me to entertain HIS family alone without him.


If that happened at either of my grandma's houses they would have told those friends to get lost and told him to get his a$$ back inside the house. Lol


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

""This is rare, he sees them maybe once or twice a month but they always try to get him drunk"". 

The above statement means the opposite of "rare". Maybe once or twice every few years would be considered rare, but twice monthly drunk binges is obviously something your husband enjoys and would be considered a regular event. 

He went a lot further than disrespecting you, he disrespected his entire family. How did granny and the rest of the family feel about him leaving? 

Here's my thoughts; your husband is acting like an immature frat boy. Can he grow into a good husband and father? Absolutely. Will he? Who knows. I would take a good hard look at how he conducts himself, if he is acting immature and inconsiderate to the people closest to him I would venture a guess he shows other signs of irresponsibility in his life. 

Bottom line is he showed very poor judgement, if it's routine for him to act that way and I was you sherryberry I would be asking myself some very hard questions right now.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

There's a time and a place, and that wasn't it. You are not telling him he can't have fun with his friends ever again, you would just like it if he was more assertive with them. He made a mistake by neglecting your feelings towards the situation. Now that you've both had the talk, see what comes out of it. Hopefully he learned his lesson.


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## sherryberry (Feb 16, 2015)

I completely agree. I can't believe some people on other forums think I'm out of line and that its ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think you married someone who is extremely immature and a follower, he clearly has placed you and the family in the back seat and his friends in the front seat....he needs to grow up or you need to find a man who is grown up.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

I concur with everyone else here. Sounds like he lets himself be subjected to peer pressure with these guys and it results in some bad consequences for him. What did his family have to say about him leaving?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds like a alcoholic to me.

when you put booze before your family them its a real problem!!!!!!

drinking till you puke????? that's what you do in high school.

start saving some money on the side. for emergency.

ask him if he can quit drinking for a month. If your not a raging drunk you should be able to no sweat!


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

sherryberry said:


> I completely agree. I can't believe some people on other forums think I'm out of line and that its ok.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ohhh, I see. We're forum shopping until we find somebody who agrees with us....Interesting.

I don't think we have enough details to support the chorus of support you've found here. Big difference between once a month and twice a month, for instance. The former implies infrequency, the latter indicates a more serious problem. Does he drink to sickness everytime he goes out with these guys - or was this the first time for it to go to these lengths? This is also relevant. 

Also need to evaluate against other behavior patterns. Do you have quality time regularly as a couple? Does he have outside hobbies? Does he spend time with friends other than these "party binges?" Are these nights out his only release outside work & family time, Or does he engage in other activites with outside friends beyond this drinking night. 

Let me paint an alternative scenario for you. Perhaps the pendulum has swung too far the other way. Maybe he has a wife / family who have high expectations of him and how he spends his time, cutting him off from his friends. When he does man up and decide "I'm going to have fun with my friends for a change," maybe he goes too far (to the point of getting sick from drinking) because he's under the wife/family thumb the overwhelming majority of time. 

In this narrative, it turns out he's not an unhealthy alcoholic. But instead is a healthy integrated male trying to follow the advice of MMSLP or NMMNG, maintaining a link to outside friendships that actually help him from going overboard and becoming the "under the thumb" husband that no longer thinks for himself but takes actions only to win the wife's approval. 


You've carefully constructed the narrative in your posts to cast husband in as negative a light as possible. The vomiting portion certainly is an indication of potentially larger troubles. If this is a regular outcome of friends' night out, then my comments above clearly should be disregarded.

But I'm curious....Are there details you included in your posts to the other forums that would make this situation look less black and white to a random group of Internet advisers? 

Perhaps things are as bad as you portray them. If so, I agree that it is bad and am sorry that you have to deal with this. My hunch is that we're not quite getting the full picture here, so I will politely refrain from joining this particular digital lynch mob.


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## sherryberry (Feb 16, 2015)

Cooper said:


> ""This is rare, he sees them maybe once or twice a month but they always try to get him drunk"".
> 
> The above statement means the opposite of "rare". Maybe once or twice every few years would be considered rare, but twice monthly drunk binges is obviously something your husband enjoys and would be considered a regular event.
> 
> ...


Just because he sees them once or twice a month doesn't mean he binge drinks...that is not what I meant. Most weekends they throw partis drinking and most time he declines which is why I think they were so adamant to get him to come because he avoids it. He does not have a drinking problem...


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## sherryberry (Feb 16, 2015)

MarriedTex said:


> Ohhh, I see. We're forum shopping until we find somebody who agrees with us....Interesting.
> 
> I don't think we have enough details to support the chorus of support you've found here. Big difference between once a month and twice a month, for instance. The former implies infrequency, the latter indicates a more serious problem. Does he drink to sickness everytime he goes out with these guys - or was this the first time for it to go to these lengths? This is also relevant.
> 
> ...


All I am saying is no matter what situation if plans are made you don't leave in the middle of it. You make those plans another time. I don't give a crap if you hang with the guys but make those plans on your own time not in the middle of an outing especially leaving mr and his sis with the in laws whom we haven't seen on a while which was by the way his idea.


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