# It's inevitable



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I think it's time to get a divorce. I never thought I would say that, but I'm not living in a marriage. We've been married 11 months, had sex 3 times, and he hasn't slept in our bed since December. We tried counseling. Didn't go so well. Usually was just a fight, and he'd cry. He did individual counseling until he decided he was better, and then quit. We discussed in counseling his codependent ways and also his inability to share things with me. It's not always big things, but he just doesn't talk to me about anything important in his life. He has two kids from a previous marriage and doesn't see them at all since we married despite all my efforts to include them in our lives. He talked the talk for a while, but then never had them come to visit. Now they've stopped talking to him because he ignored them for so long. This is not the type of man I want to have children with. His daughter's birthday was the other day, but he never told me. He hasn't talked to his mother in months because they have a bad relationship. Through his counseling he sent her a letter about his feelings (he was abused as a child by her) and then she never responded. This week she sent him a text and he told me it said, "Just thinking of you and....." and then he trailed of. I said, "And what?" He said, "Nothing, that was all. Just thinking of you." He said, "It's probably about the letter I wrote months ago. She's finally gotten over it so she wants to pretend to be mom again." He didn't sound truthful and like he was hiding something. I later looked on his phone and it said, "Just thinking of you today. Your baby girl is a teenager today!" (And something else about him being her daddy, but I can't remember now). That's how I found out about his daughter's bday and that he sent his daughter a text and she didn't even know his number. I don't know why he can't just share these things with me. Sometimes I feel we got married and he just wants to forget his past life and start over with a new family. Out of sight, out of mind. Other times I feel he is ashamed of me and doesn't want me to be around his kids, but I don't think that's true. I just don't get it. And after we talked about him sharing in counseling, he said he wasn't ever going to keep things from me again. And he still does. I don't know how to approach him about it. It's eating me up completely. I'm tired of him hiding things, his feelings, etc. I'm tired of being a "roomate". I've lost all attraction to him through all of this. He's not attractive as a "doormat". He's not my protector. He's not who I thought he was. I feel like divorce is inevitable, but just don't know how to get there. Anytime I've talked about it or gotten to that point, he gets upset and says "You said you didn't believe in divorce, that you would work through things". But this is not a marriage. I want a family. I want children. But we don't even have sex!!! He's the one who backed off at first. Quit trying. Quit coming to bed. But, now I don't even want to be naked with him. My husband was never the most attractive man to me. But, our friendship, and our love, made him attracted to me. But, when you lost that......you lose the physical attraction too. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else. I loved him for who he was to me....who I believed he was. And now that he's not that person, it's hard to love what he is becoming.....or what he is now showing me. My husband is a "nice guy." But, sometimes that just isn't enough. 

What's the next step??? How do I go about getting out?? Getting a place of my own?? I have to find a house because this house comes with his job. I'll probably lose my pets, etc. And, I know that is just stupid stuff, but it does bother me. But I feel like we are just delaying the inevitable. It's going to happen at some point, so why not sooner than later. I've been feeling this way since almost 3 months into our marriage, and unfortunately nothing has changed, except the fact that I am now doing what he does and ignoring the problems. But, that may delay the fighting, but nothing gets fixed.

Thanks for listening to my rant. It helps me to get it all put into words whether anyone can make sense of my venting or not! Any advice and/or sharing of stories is appreciated, though.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Wish I could help! Do what you need to do for you. You can't fix everyone no matter how hard you try. Make things right for you and everything else will follow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You just need to do it and to make sure that things like finding a place that's affordable and will take pets, etc. do not become negative self-fulfilling prophesies. Take all the energy you would put into jumping through hoops for spouse and put it to use for yourself. Don't you think you are worth that effort?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Thanks! I agree and I know I can and will make it through this! It's just my anxiety talking! My excuses are little things in the overall bigger picture. But I'm not happy. We are not happy although he would never admit it. But if this is a happy marriage for him then I feel sorry for him that he doesn't want more. Out of sight out if mind just doesn't work for me. Ignoring the problems and issues doesn't make them go away. I just dong know how to approach it with him because he always shuts down or cries or both. Or he gets angry and then runs off. He won't talk and that's one thing that got us here in the first place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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