# Need help what should I do?



## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

I have been married for 20 years now. it has been mostly good. I have trouble expressing feelings, which I am much better at now. 
Well in 2001 my wife and I grew apart. I did my thing and she hers. We really did not spend much time together except at home. She found a couple friends on the computer and went to meet them. I believe they were EAs. I found out and confronted her. We talked and even went to joint councelling. She said all was well and we stopped going. I found out she was still seeing one man 6 months later and let her know it better stop now. Since then we seem to spend time together and show more affection toward each other.I thought all was well and I was happy. She seemed to be also.
Fast forward to october of 2009. I was sucspicious about a few things. She was on Facebook a lot more. She spent most of the time playing Farm games that I knew of. I do work days and she is a SAHM. So she has plenty of time to mess around. I found a text to someone saying "good morning hun" at 5.30am. I mean she rolls out of bed and first thing she thinks of is someone else. She also texted that man at 10.30 saying " come snuggle with me". So the next day I texted "After all of these years why"
She knew she was busted but didn't know what I knew. I slepped in the spare bed for 25 days trying to decide what to do. I finaly slept in our bed with her when she finaly broke down crying one night saying she didn' want to sleep in that bed without me and was going to the couch. We talked and talked. I asked her a few questions and she told me some answers. She said she met 2 guys and slept with one 3-4 times and the other 2-3 times. I felt she was not telling the whole story. I found she had many more contacts than that. She admitted to finding these friends on Adult Friend Finder which her friend told her about. She no longer talks with this Friend of hers and seems to be doing good. I told her that I made the promise to myself that if anything ever happened again I woul leave and never come back. She was so scared she would loose me and did seem remorseful. She said she even thought of suiccide.
Well all seems fine but i still wonder how many more guys there were. I check on her old email account that she doesn't use and have found more friends. One guy said they met and had sex alot. This bothers me that she never came totally clean and told me everything. I still have questions but am not sure If I should bring it up again. We have not talked about the affairs scince the night I asked her how many guys and if she really loved me and many more questions.
Should I bring it up again? Should I asker to come clean and se if she tells me about this new guy I found out about to see if she is still lying? Should I just try to forget?
There has only been one day, last saturday, since oct 7th 2009 that I havent thought about the cheeting. I have cried so many tears and it still hurts so much. I feel we have not talked enough about it and that if we cant figure out why it happened it might happen again.
What should I do?

Thanks for any input.................


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

boy this is a tough one, 
I feel for you as I know what it feels like after 20 some odd years to find out your spouse was unfaithful.....It sounds like your wife isn't being totally honest with you.
I would keep checking on her, comp, phone, gps in her car. If she isn't telling you the truth than I think you know you can't trust her and you need to make the decisions that are best for you....
It will take a lot to trust her again but not impossible if she is being honest...
There are a lot of great people here with a lot of good advice, they will be around to help you.......
Hang in there........Good Luck
one day at a time now.......


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

jessi said:


> boy this is a tough one,
> I feel for you as I know what it feels like after 20 some odd years to find out your spouse was unfaithful.....It sounds like your wife isn't being totally honest with you.
> I would keep checking on her, comp, phone, gps in her car. If she isn't telling you the truth than I think you know you can't trust her and you need to make the decisions that are best for you....
> It will take a lot to trust her again but not impossible if she is being honest...
> ...


It has been one day at a time scince October 7 2009. She knows how much I really do love her. I don't think she knew untill she saw how bad it hurt me. Things are better now but I keep remembering the past almost every day. Time will tell. I told her my heart will heal but it will be scared forever.....


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

my therapist said when something like this happens that we are not emotionally equipped to make any real decisions.
The news is like learning about a death and there is a grieving process that goes with that......go through the stages and then make whatever decision you need to for you and your marriage....
long term actions by your spouse will be the only way you will know if they are serious about being committed to your relationship.
anyone can do the right thing for a couple of months, but a life change is what you are looking for.
Forgiveness is a gift for yourself.....our spouses are broken and in need of understanding........it always takes one to be stronger and carry the other at times of weakness......


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

jessi said:


> my therapist said when something like this happens that we are not emotionally equipped to make any real decisions.
> The news is like learning about a death and there is a grieving process that goes with that......go through the stages and then make whatever decision you need to for you and your marriage....
> long term actions by your spouse will be the only way you will know if they are serious about being committed to your relationship.
> anyone can do the right thing for a couple of months, but a life change is what you are looking for.
> Forgiveness is a gift for yourself.....our spouses are broken and in need of understanding........it always takes one to be stronger and carry the other at times of weakness......


 Thanks for the reply jessi. It is good to hear input from someone else. I have decided to make a last effort to recover what info I can from her contacts and then when I know all that I think I can I will find a time to talk with her. Your therapist is right in waiting till after a trama to react. I wish I would have gathered more info before I confronted my wife and she had the opportunity to delet stuff. I have learned to think before I react. She has been good for the last 7 months. I just fear another couple years or so and I will be hurt again. I guess that is a normal feeling after such an event. Sometimes in my rambleing thoughts I wonder who this person really is that I have agreed to spend my life with. I wonder if I really know her. I hope I made the right decision to give her a second chance and don't regret it.....


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Read "Not Just Friends" and any other books you can on infidelity. You can't go forward without knowing the truth, and that step for her is important if you are to ever reestablish any sort of a relationship. She may be a sex addict. But betrayed spouses generally need full disclosure, access to all emails/phones/etc, truth, and details of what has happened. She sounds pretty foggy to me, and nowhere near the state of mind to be anything like a wife to you. Hopefully she can get it together.

If you choose to overlook all of this, you can be sure she'll cheat again. Sorry bud.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Well I wish you luck with your wife and being able to trust her again. I know how tough that place is to get to. 
I think you have to think about it this way. Our marriage will never be like it was before or how we thought it was....it just can't be after something like this....
Build a new life and new memories with her. Try to get your marriage into a place where she doesn't even think about anyone else.....
I often think why am I doing this and I'm sure you do to but then I think of my life without my husband and that to me is worse, I think what we had at one point in our marriage was good and I'm working to get back to that.
Life is a long time to live without any bumps in the road....
Forgiveness is for you and is a situation like this it takes a special person to be the strong one......


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> Read "Not Just Friends" and any other books you can on infidelity. She may be a sex addict. But betrayed spouses generally need full disclosure, access to all emails/phones/etc, truth, and details of what has happened. She sounds pretty foggy to me, and nowhere near the state of mind to be anything like a wife to you. Hopefully she can get it together.
> 
> If you choose to overlook all of this, you can be sure she'll cheat again. Sorry bud.


"You can't go forward without knowing the truth, and that step for her is important if you are to ever reestablish any sort of a relationship."

That is what I think. I have questions on what really happened and WHY. I feel I need to know to go forward. I don,t want to keep bringing it up though. I am not sure if that is helpful but I want to know to get it over with. Should I ask - or let it go and just keep a close eye on her?


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