# Running out of options



## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

I've posted on this site multiple times before about the problem that my wife and I have been having about sex. All of our arguments stem from her ignoring the factor, never initiating or just acting plain cold to me.

She has on occasion during heated argruments in the past to tell me that she just never was sexually attracted to me. She would then break down to say it was our horrible life style and then she never is in the mood because of it. 

Well about 10 months ago we decided for her to quit her job that she could begin to get her life in order. Now my wife is not close to her family, my family nor does she have any friends except for the guy friends that she would have at the job she quit. After one month of quitting she looked lost in everything that she did. She sad she was sad, unhappy and lonely. This didn't sit well with me because I was willing to do what every it would take financially to make things work by her quitting her job if it made her happy, but it didn't. We ended up getting into a major agrument of course about sex that lead me to say lets get divorced and put the house up for sale.My patience ran out at the time and this was back in May 2010. We didn't go through with the divorce at I came forward to say I would try to do anything possible to try to make this work. She said she needed to find out what is going to make her happy in life.

Well a month passed and then we had a unspeakable crisis that happened in our house that involved a couple of our family members. My wife called my hysterically crying to rush home only to tell me what was transpiring in our own home. I don't want to get into details at all, but we immediately reached for help, needed to get dyfius involved and will live with this issue for ever in our family. My wife for the next few months said she never felt closure to me as we worked through our family issues. Now for the next 3 months we maybe argued about her constantly bringing this subject up and not trying to turn the page. I guess I needed to understand that she had no one to speak to about this and i was the only one.

Now since the crisis was about a sexual nature I knew it would be difficult and selfish of me to expect to wife to ever be in the mood. She took care of me sexually with either oral or quick sex every few weeks, but she was no were near in the mood her self. Beside we were getting along great for the 3 months...

Then we had some "negative thoughts" of one of my sons start back up again in the end of September. My wife completely went back to ground zero like it was June 7th. This time though she didn't partner with me she was just lashing out at everyone. For the next 5 weeks her moods would be up and then down. Finally in early November she came to me crying saying she needed to talk to someone that she felt like she was going insane. I called someone and set an appointment for her the next day. 

She came back with a different set of views and was actually happy. The pyscologist said she wasn't depressed, but just unhappy with the way her life was going. She told me most of the conversation had to do with her own insecurities and how she completely unsocial and has no one to speak to. I was relieved that she was finally back to "normal". The doctor even suggested that we both go away for a few days, but with our "crisis" at home she didn't want to even if it meant my mother coming to our house to watch the kids. My parents are the only outsiders to know what happened this past summer.

Now since that time we have had 3 major arguements about sex and her lack of initiating or even trying to get in the mood. The worst part about this is when we argue she completely looks right through me like I'm not even there. All she says is that she can't help being in the mood and I'm not in the mood. I told her didn't this past crisis put you closure to me? She said yea, but not in that way... She suggests that I see someone because I'm lacking something inside of me. I said the only thing lacking is a wife who finds me sexually attractive. I of course told her about the past agruements about her telling me this will never leave my mind. She never says she is sorry, things will get better or show any affection torwards. I asked her why and she said because she doesn't think they will. Any closeness that we had from the summer where she needed me is now gone. I told her how much pain she puts me through with this situation but she offers no response. Two weeks ago I just talked to her about how miserable I am in this relationship and that I would be willing to pay her any amount of money a month to get out of it. I live my life to angry, mad, sad to continue living this way. She did ask what do you really want from me and I told, but it does no good. 

Now Thursday I sent her a text with a sexy twist which I got a response, I have a headache and stomach ache. Friday she sent me a text in work saying she missed me laying in bed next to her and I responded with something saying I will make it up to her in bed tonight. I got no response. She claims to have never received the text and it started a huge arguement again. I asked her I guess my self worth to you is not as high as I think it is. I work, do the food shopping for you, make some dinners at home, wait on her and do little things for her every so often and that you are willing to let me walk away from you instead of having sex with me??? I don't get. She keeps telling me I'm not in the mood what do you want me to fake it? I almost said yes, but knew that would go nowhere I probable would still have a problem with that. She doesn't care if I go out and for that she doesn't know I could be with another woman, she says I'm not your mother go do what you have to do. She keeps saying she is sick of hearing about this... One of things we use to do in bed would be that she would masterbate and I would watch her before intercourse. It drove me nuts, but that hasn't happened in 10 months and my wife sais she is just not in the mood to do that anymore and that her body changes. By the way my wife has also decided that alcohol just doesn't agree with her anymore and she has stopped drinking for the last 10 months. Of course she would generally be more in the mood when drinking, but know that is even gone...

I feel complete resentment towards her. I need help!


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Lack of a social life can often be deadly to a marriage.

Many woman need friends and the all things that come with friendship like excitement, drama, gossip... oh wait, this is the Ladies Lounge forum, can I say that? hmmm 

Yea, a woman needs friends, does she have anti-social behavior traits that cause her friendships to end permanently in heated arguments or make it hard to pick up new friends quickly?

Or are you a hindrance to her friendships?

Friends can still be made pretty easily these days at church, school, book clubs, with neighbors, friends of family or through you by inviting married friends over for barbques or a game of cards or a Sunday football game etc.

I'm just saying, she sounds lonely and it's not the kind of lonely that a husband can fix by himself.


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## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

chefmaster said:


> Lack of a social life can often be deadly to a marriage.
> 
> Many woman need friends and the all things that come with friendship like excitement, drama, gossip... oh wait, this is the Ladies Lounge forum, can I say that? hmmm
> 
> ...


She had one friend when I first met her that ended marrying my friend that ended in a nasty divorce. She has kept in touch with her at all.

She has social antiexty that basically causes her not to say a word to nobody. She has lived in this house for 14 years and hasn't said boo to the neighbors.

No I haven't been a hindrance except when she worked at her past job she have friends that were all guys. She would get so mad at me that I say that they wanted to get down her pants. Funny thing is the psycologist that she went to see last month said basically the same thing to her. That the guys were talking and interested in her because of her looks.

I help her set up a facebook page when she quit her job so she could find her old friends and possible keep in touch. I want her to be happy and have relationships. So far that hasn't worked.

Im an average looking guy with a good personality that supports my wife. If never attempting to be in the mood to have sex with me is so bad especially since it is causing a major disturbance in this relationship I believe we just need to go are seperate ways then. She obviously doesn't care to make me happy...


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Ctn594 said:


> She had one friend when I first met her that ended marrying my friend that ended in a nasty divorce. She has kept in touch with her at all.
> 
> She has social antiexty that basically causes her not to say a word to nobody. She has lived in this house for 14 years and hasn't said boo to the neighbors.
> 
> ...


Gotcha. Alll I can say is if I were in your shoes what I would do is begin flooding her with people. You don't need to tell her or ask her, just start inviting people over and going out to places.

Imagine if you felt lonely and miserable and partially blamed her, would romantic lovemaking with her be at the top of your list of things to do? How much would it bother you every time she tried to be romantic?

Whether or not any of it is actually your fault does not decide where in her mind the blame belongs, fix her problem and you may just fix yours also.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I know that you have been trying, and you mention "do the food shopping for you, make some dinners at home, wait on her and do little things for her every so often", but obviously you aren't doing or giving her what she needs. but it's not from lack of trying.

You saw a difference in her when she went to the psychologist... is she still going? Are you going? Are you both going to counseling?

Seems to me that there was a glimmer of hope at that point and you should pounce on that and exploit it as much as you can. The answer seems to be there... try to get it back.


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## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

Chris Taylor said:


> I know that you have been trying, and you mention "do the food shopping for you, make some dinners at home, wait on her and do little things for her every so often", but obviously you aren't doing or giving her what she needs. but it's not from lack of trying.
> 
> You saw a difference in her when she went to the psychologist... is she still going? Are you going? Are you both going to counseling?
> 
> Seems to me that there was a glimmer of hope at that point and you should pounce on that and exploit it as much as you can. The answer seems to be there... try to get it back.


I saw a positive difference or her being "happy" which in return turned me on that my wife was smiling finally, which led to rejection of sex and finally my wife giving me oral a few days later basically to shut me up. She wasn't in the mood to any degree after speaking to the psychologist. This was the first time my wife has spoken to anyone about anything. I've suggested counseling for us over the years and she always told me she would never go.

Here is where my hang up is. Today we were discussing/argueing about this topic since Friday night. I know my wife loves to have a nice Christmas card of the kids for Christmas. Two weeks I initiated that we need to take a picture of the kids, suggested where we should take and planned on doing it this past weekend. Well since we have been fighting since Friday night I said screw that. Let her get it done herself. Obviously whats important to me and how I feel in the relationship is not important to her. Well during our discussion this afternoon the kids picture was brought by her that I never care about or even initiate getting it done. I called her out on it and said wrong I not initiated, but did the planning. I then sat down and felt bad for her because know we are not getting it done and how much it meant to her.

Why? Because I love her. I then told her how I felt about this and this is exactly why I want to leave her. There is absolutely no feeling of love from her to me when this topic is mentioned. Zero! She treats me like an outcast, which escalates the whole problem. She then told me she feels bad, but that doesn't change the feeling that she isn't in the mood. She keeps trying to portray women as never wanting sex and only doing it because of their husband wanting to. 

Does my wife do other things for me absolutely, but anytime sex is mentioned she backs away. She even has told me she tries to keep a distance from me so that I don't bring it up. This is no way to live. If I never got upset about not being intimate or nagged her we would live happy, but this destroys me inside and the worst part about it is that my wife turns me on like no other women.


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## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

The bottom line is that she only will have sex with or give me oral because of my initiation 2 to 3 times a month. There is no more of foreplay on my part towards her. If I go to touch her breasts she moves my hand quickly away. I get rejected for more then she gives me pitty sex. I ask to shower with her, take a Jacuzzi bath. Nothing always an excuse. 

We agrue, she shows no feelings torwards me and it makes me feel worst. This isn't how a relationship is suppose to work...


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I don't know what your wife's deal is. She's got some kind of issue going on, and even if she had a great network of wonderful friends, I doubt she'd change her mind about sex. There's something more to this. She should be seeing a counselor. 

That being said...you're a man, and sex is important to you. You've tried and tried to get through to her. Have you sought help yourself to see if you could try a different method that MIGHT get through? This is going to take the both of you working on the issue together. 

I would stop doing all the things you've been doing. She's going to have to put her big girl panties on and step up to the plate. It doesn't sound as though she appreciates anything that you're doing, so I'd simply stop doing it. Give her a taste of what she's going to lose. And she WILL lose you if she doesn't fix this issue. You're not going to be able to go through life being thoroughly miserable and celibate. I can only imagine how you must feel...wanting intimacy with your wife and being constantly denied. Talk about a kick in the cojones. 

I think the bottom line is she's really going to have to get some help, as well as you...and if not..then what happens, happens. It's not like you didn't try. I hate to see marriages break up, but I hate to see people miserable even more. Especially when they're TRYING to make things better, and the other person won't get on board.

You don't think she's got a lover, do you?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

If she is unhappy just because she has no friends, I don't think it is difficult to fix. I doubt that the problem is this simple. 

True friends can be up-building and heart warming, but how many true friends can you find in you life? Very often those so called friends in your real life cause you more pain because of our expectation. Very often I find conversation with people in my real world boring! That's my experience. I am jaded, maybe. 

People need to talk, it is important for us to interact with others. That's why I find forums so interesting. People on forums are more open about themselves, you don't need to try very hard to guess what's in their mind. My husband and I just live in our small world, two of us. My husband supports me going to good forums to talk to people. He sets boundaries for me, no private messages with men. TAM is great because most people here are loving and trying hard to help rather than trash, gentlemen here respect ladies, I haven't received any unpleasant messages.  And you don't have expectation for friends on forums, you just discuss things you are interested in!!!

Other issues, I think your wife has to find her peace herself. She can't sit there and feel sorry for herself, do something, instead of wasting time and energy feeling sad for her life. No one's life is perfect and great. We all have to accept that we are just normal human being, nobody special!!!


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