# Fed Up - Want out, but she is asking me to give our marriage a chance



## TiredSpouse (Feb 10, 2010)

Okay - sorry for the long post, and I am sure some of you will be surprised by how this goes... So here goes:

I just registered so this is my first post and boy am I fed up with my marriage. I am 48 and my W is 40 (first marriage for her, second for me). We have been married for 5 1/2 years, but together for 10. I feel that my marriage is over and I want out! For the last 3 years, my W has seemed intent on being angry for the rest of her life and who wants to come home to an angry spouse? 

In December of 2008, I informed her that I wanted a separation and started to remove myself emotionally from any connection with her. She pulled at my heart so much during that time that I asked her to come home after work, but I did not say what need to change other than she needed to lose weight. She was a knockout when we first meet. Those we great times. I am not saying that I was with her because she was a knockout (the memories just made me think of that), but she was kind, strong, gentle, loving, and was persistent in her achievements.

People should tell you before marriage, that people change. All she has seemed to do over the last 3 years is complain and nag about what I am not doing around the house and appears to have issues with her family and work upon which she takes her frustration out on me (i.e. not talking to me when she arrives home). I know why she has been so angry which seems like the world. She was sexually abused as a child and discovered that her younger sister also experienced the same abuse about 3 years ago. 

My wife never told me she said, because she believed it was 'buried" and that she was ashamed. In addition, I have also contributed by not expressing how I feel other than I want out. She is to blame for all of or issues! She knows it and has admitted what she considers her part, but that we both contaminated our relationship. I am not sure what I did other than love her. She even through the internet porn up in my face...ooh and that fact that she thinks I was and still having an affair. I have a friend, so what who I can speak to. She is like a guy. 

Okay..I should come clean. I spent my anniversary evening with this OW. My wife kept calling me on my cell phone the entire night until I arrived home and that ended in an arguement. I wish she also knew this OW; she is a good friend with a good ear. My W thinks that I should be talking to her and not seeking solace from the OW.

So last summer I felt as though my relationship was over and continued spending Happy Hour with the OW. it was not until my W returned home early from a trip to find my car in the garage without me in the house. When I arrived home the next morning, I was surpirsed by my W as I was being dropped off by the OW. Boy, was my W upset. Well, I had lost weight earlier in the year, started going to the tanning salon, got Alase surgery to remove all of the hair from my chest, I even shopped at Abercrombie. 

This lead to a huge arguement, but I didn't feel guilty. My W sought individual counseling to help deal with her personal abuse issues and anger and it seems to be working. In October of last year I agreed to go to MC, but it didn't work because I was not receptive. She has always been the emotional one, having confessed her "sins" to our marriage and herself to me, the MC, her counselor and she has even asked God for giveness. My W continued to profess her love for me and indicated that she was ready to renew her commitment to our marriage and that had gained more clarity about how "she" believes we go to this mess.

Well, after another long year or this, I left our house on Christmas Eve and I have not returned. I called her at work on Xmas Eve to tell my W that I left. She said I was insensitive.

I won't give her an inch. She keeps calling me on my cell and wants to discuss of spending some "time" together. I do not want to do that. I think it is over and I told her that I wanted a divorce. I am being deployed to Afghanistan in April and I just want to draw up the Property Disposition so I don't have to worry about this when I get back. 

I know this sounds extremely harsh, but am I wrong to just want out? She seeams to think she is dealing with her crisis, but indicated that I may be going through a mid-life crisis. I doubt that. Could she right about life throwing us a hardball and that this is a major "wake-up" call? I love her and care for her, but I don't "feel" that I want to be with her. Or am I possibly missing out a great future with my W?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

How can you say that it is all her fault when you openly admit running to another woman to talk and seek comfort in?? You spent your anniversary night with her?? Uh, yeah that is insensitive. My H is in the military also, so I understand the additional stress that comes with all that, but you came off quite a bit selfish to me. Either I didn't understand, or well......


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## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

When you first told your wife you wanted to separate you wouldn't even give her the decency to explain the depth of how you were feeling, and you didn't seem to hear what she was saying either... 
You got yourself a friend to talk to instead of communicating with your spouse.
You spent your wedding anniversary with another woman.
You gave a half bait attempt at marriage counseling.
You moved out on Christmas Eve.

She doesn't see it, but she's lucky you're gone...
Sounds selfish and immature on your part.

Sorry to be harsh... but REALLY?!? You think it's all her fault?!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is this a joke?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

you've been married twice, presumably divorced the first time, and you need people to tell you people change?

if you want out, then get out for both your sakes

thank you for your service to our great country


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## mis (Jan 19, 2010)

:iagree:

I understand wanting to get out of a bad situation so bad that you don't want to take any more of your time explaining why, but you never gave this girl a chance. She seems like she's having a really difficult time and you don't seem to care about anything but yourself. If you don't care about her leave for her sake and yours. Relationships are work. Talk to your wife APOLOGIZE for being so selfish, and work things out if you think you can. For how many years you both put in why not try everything you can? Everyone gets caught up in themselves at some point, sometimes it just takes someone else to point out what we're doing wrong.


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## TiredSpouse (Feb 10, 2010)

All 

I didn't feel that I wanted to try to save my marriage. Sometime my W does not get the point. So yes, I spent our anniversay with someone else, I walked out Xmas Eve. It's the only way to show her I was serious about wanting a separation. 

Okay, it sounds like I am a jerk, but I love and care for my wife. I just need something more than she can give.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TiredSpouse said:


> All
> 
> I didn't feel that I wanted to try to save my marriage. Sometime my W does not get the point. So yes, I spent our anniversay with someone else, I walked out Xmas Eve. It's the only way to show her I was serious about wanting a separation.
> 
> Okay, it sounds like I am a jerk, but I love and care for my wife. I just need something more than she can give.


 Well, at least you're doing ONE thing right - leaving your wife so she can find a decent husband.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

It may just be the way you're writing it but you do come off a little selfish.

When my marriage got rocky I had a conversation with my wife about how we would separate if either of us made that final decision, you really need to be careful about how you do these things or you can completely destroy the other persons soul.

If you can fight in a war, surely you can be man enough to leave the woman compassionately and at least slightly soften her pain.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Not only do you come across as selfish and insensitive, you won't really take responsibility for your role in your marriage problems and you aren't willing to work on them. Maybe your wife verbally abuses you in response to your emotional abuse of her? IDK. Regardless, it sounds like you would do her a favor to call it a day on this marriage.


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## TiredSpouse (Feb 10, 2010)

I just don't know how to deal with her nagging! I just want some peace and sleep. She has been calling and asking for just a brief conversation discuss all options.

Well I want to talk divorce because there are larger decisions to make now that I will be deployed soon. I have ask her to help me help us. She continues to indicate that maybe I should seek help. Why?

If she hadn't taken this separation so badly, I may have been more interested in discussing reconcilation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sorry, but...What an a$$. I hope she takes you to the cleaners.


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## tony (Feb 12, 2010)

hi tiredspouse,
I just read that your from MC? IS the muscle creation site right? are taking steroids too? cos my husband are really addictive in those kind of stuff thats why he's messed up with he's decision. He's taken testosterone propionate to gain muscle but he needs to take another pills to counteract the side effects of the steroid. plus taking that stuff make you feel irritated all the time thats why H cannot talk properly to W. He lied so much things, he talks to diff woman and i guess he cheated on me too. anyways, my H started going to tanning salon, strated going to lazer clinic to removed his chest hair, he's started going to whiten his teeth and also shops a lot of expensive clothes. You feel macho ha!? We'll is that what you want? You will not gain real happiness and peacefulness in your marriage life cos your shallow. Please be wise now that you're in your 40's. Only few W can handle like H like you. No offense just think and pray!


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## TiredSpouse (Feb 10, 2010)

I am very confused about what I want to do regarding my marriage.


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## TiredSpouse (Feb 10, 2010)

My wife appears very caring toward me. I am now in Afghanistan after being deployed in early May 2010. I was very upset with her before leaving because I really wanted to have a separation agreement in place before leaving, but she told me that if I wanted a D, then I would have to do the work alone because she didn't feel that she should have to spend money on hiring a lawyer for a divorce she did not want.

My wife, from time to time send me messages that just inquire about how I am doing. I feel indifferent most times because I know she wants to reconcile. But I still have those months of arguements in my mind and don't believe I will ever get over it. Because for years, I didn't think I wanted to be with her. 

But she is only person ever in my life that has treated me with kindness. Still confused about what to do, but I will have a lost of time to think because I am here for 1 year. Anyone willing to give me their thoughts?


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## AmorousWarrior (Jul 6, 2010)

I'm going to be honest here and say that you need to really think about why you married her. It sounds to me like you have already decided that you do not want to be married and you're looking for someone here to validate your position. 

If you don't want to be married (and it sounds like that's the case) then get a divorce. You've made mistakes, haven't been the most honest and open guy, and now have so much of a disconnect that created a huge chasm in your feelings for her. I don't think that you can get back to where you need to be in order to be a loving husband. 
If she wants you to pay for the divorce that you want but she doesn't, then I think that is not an unreasonable request. 

These things: 
You got yourself a friend to talk to instead of communicating with your spouse.
You spent your wedding anniversary with another woman.
You gave a half bait attempt at marriage counseling.
You moved out on Christmas Eve.
(thanks TempTime)

tell me that you did them on purpose and were intentionally trying to hurt her. Regardless of how you feel that she is treating you, your obligation as her husband is to protect her. You've failed to do that. These actions show immaturity and a lack of love in my opinion. 

So go ahead and get a divorce. You'll probably be doing the both of you a favor. You won't have to worry about the nagging and will have a chance to work on you. And she will be able to move on to a loving relationship. 

Normally I'm not an advocate of divorce but it seems in your case that there are some deep seeded issues that the two of you cannot work together on. 

Whatever you decide to do, best of luck to you.


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## TiredSpouse (Feb 10, 2010)

I love my wife. She is amazing. I just didn't think that she could change anough for me to want the marriage. Now I am confused, because she seems to have calmed her anger, which was due to repressed sexual abuse from her teen years.

The thought of reconciliation is appealing, but I am just not sure...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

You might want to consider the fact that in a year she might have sorted herself out, saw what YOU did and she may decide she wants nothing to do with you. Say it how you want, you acted inappropriately A LOT and I doubt you even apologized for any of it to your wife. You refuse to take any responsibility for anything and she's gonna come to that conclusion here shortly.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I'm sorry, I don't see how this is "all" her fault. I can see where maybe "some" of it is, but not all. I can see her being angry could eventually wear on you and make you want out, but the majority of what you say, I see it as really being your fault: you failed to communicate to her how you felt and what you saw, you failed to explain to her what you were thinking and feeling when she gave you an opportunity, you failed to give marriage counselling a fair shot, you failed to show your wife she could trust you by not only befriending another woman in such a way that it looked shady but by then spending your WEDDING ANNIVERSARY of all days with that woman. I'm sorry, my honest opinion is that your wife is better off without you. 

With that said, you can't blame her for wanting you to talk to her. Your failure to communicate with her has left her completely blindsided by your wish to divorce, and she just wants some answers. Rightfully so. If you really want out, then the least you can do for her is answer her questions. Tell her why you want out. No, it may not change anything. But at least she'll know why and that will give her some closure and eventually some peace at night. 

In the meantime, instead of blaming her anger and whatever other issues she may have, I suggest you look closely at yourself and determine what issues you have that need to be dealt with. I assure you, you have them. We ALL do.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

TiredSpouse said:


> All
> 
> I didn't feel that I wanted to try to save my marriage. Sometime my W does not get the point. So yes, I spent our anniversay with someone else, I walked out Xmas Eve. It's the only way to show her I was serious about wanting a separation.


She would not take you seriously on any given Tuesday? 


> Okay, it sounds like I am a jerk, but I love and care for my wife. I just need something more than she can give.


Like complete perfection and no bad days even when her husband is an insensitive prick?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Let me put that more nicely. If you don't learn something about YOURSELF and your contributions to your 2 failed marriages, you are destined to repeat it in your 3rd, 4th and so on.


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## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

Wow. Are you serious? Do her a favor and leave. She will come out of her fog within a couple of weeks and realize that she can do better. She'll be much happier soon and you will be the farthest thing from her mind. Jerk.


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## MyDog8em (Apr 5, 2010)

It's no wonder your W nags you so much. If I treated my W like you do yours, I would expect nothing less than non stop nagging. You need to re-read your first post and dwell on it. If this is for real, then you have some serious issues that are far beyond my expertise. It sounds more to me that she is really trying to make something of your marriage but with your attitude, that is likely impossible. The damage is done and like everyone else has said, get a divorce. You both will be much happier. Not only with each other, but with yourselves. Best of luck to HER.



turnera said:


> I'm sorry, but...What an a$$. I hope she takes you to the cleaners.


:lol: Turnera, You're awesome!


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## gypsysouls (Jul 30, 2010)

if her constant calling is annoying you, then take the time out to talk to her, thats all she is asking for.

ask her and yourself the hard questions. what do you want, need and expect from each other, from the future. what steps you are willing to take, before calling it a day. what do you feel you arent getting from her that you say you need and work out whether those needs are realistic or not. 

its also really dangerous for the longevity of a relationship for the person you confide in, not to be your wife. that in my opinion is one thing that really needs to change asap.

you are in a very hard job with pressures like no other job i know of, but as you say she is the only person who has ever treated you with kindness. doesnt that warrent trying to work out these issues? 

and even after all the times you have left, spent time with another woman (even if she is just a mate) and the hurt that would have made her feel, she is still there, still loving you, still wanting you to be her husband, her friend and lover. that sounds like a pretty special woman to me.

ive seen that in the world we live in now it is much easier to leave a relationship than to fight for it and keep making it work.

there are so many things you can do to try and get the marriage back on track - marriage counselling for example. i really hope that you can find the answers you need and you and your wife work out what track in life you will be on, whether it is together or seperate.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Agree with the majority for once!! You would hate to be married to me...besides that I'm a guy....my wife and I talk about every 2hrs. We call each other at work, we hang out at night, we go on dates, we go on walks, my whole day sucks if for some reason we can't communicate!!

My suggestion is YOU change while helping her to change. Work together on life goals, dreams, passions, wants, needs, finances, kids, etc and then see where ya'll are at. 

This sounds like high school!!


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

First thank you for your service.

If she is the only person that has been kind to you in your life, why on earth would you treat her like that? Marraige is really tough, we all have bumps in the road and times where we think REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Regardless, she did not deserve to be left on Christmas Eve. Do you know what the suicide rate is during that season? Your wife has had serious abuse done to her and it can leave a person with a lot of angry feelings. She had no control over that situation. but it could explain the anry moods.

You spent your Anniversary with OW. You did not show your wife any respect. There are other ways to show her you were serious than to stab her in the heart.

If you can't find a way to work on this marraige, then you should proceed with the divorce even if it is on your own. Just remember you stated she is the only person to ever be kind to you, be careful for what you wish for.

Counseling may have enlightened to her to many things. Some of which were beneficial to your marraige but if you want to just keeping hurting her, let her go so she can be kind to someone else.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Well, as has been said here recently, you are deployed for a year. If by some extreme miracle during that year's period of time, your wife does not sort herself out completely and decide she is better off without you, then you may have a chance, but only if your willing to set aside your ego and your selfishness. 

You are seriously flawed in this relationship and only by realizing that can you hope to recover your marriage and keep your wife. Being in the military, you have a vast amount of help available to you. the military can help from combat and military related emotional and behavioral issues to marital, substance abuse, anger or depression issues and they WOULD LOVE TO HELP! The problem is that egos, machismo, pride and selfishness often keep people from asking for the help. You have a year of excellent help at your fingertips if you are courageous enough to grab it and hold on with both hands. 

i served and I asked for help and they saved my sanity. Man up and take the bull by the horns. If nothing else, maybe you will avoid the same mistakes in your next relationship.

Q~


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Just in the off chance this isn't Flanders, Russ or any other troll on this board......
You wrote that she is the only person who has ever treated you with kindness, works so hard to try and help you and yet in return you call her a nag, want to get rid of her as quickly as possible and basically blame her for her sexual abuse.
I know many many people in the military and there is one common denomintor among all of them: Honor. A code of honor. Not only honoring their country but also their committments, their family and others. You sir, are not. 
Do the right thing and let her find happiness with somebody else. Somebody who will appreciate and love her for the person and survivor that she is. She deserves nothing less.


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## TiredSpouse (Feb 10, 2010)

Hello

I know I have a$$ to my W and our marriage. I returned from Afghanistan in August. I have been wanting to login and respond to all of the responses to my post. I cannot remember who said it, but I DID re-read my initial post from February 2010. I was angry, pissed, and just plain arrogant towards my W. 

We had significant issues. Being deployed gave me a lot of time to think. The whole time I was deployed, my former girlfriend (OW) NEVER sent me anything. We only talked through email a few times after I arrived in Afghanistan. I realize now that she was more of a user than anything. However, my W emailed me and sent care packages not only for me, but the other soldiers also deployed every other week for over a year! 

I didn't know what to make of it. My W emailed me for a long time after I deployed, but I was still mad and still involved with OW so I never responded. It wasn't until she stop emailing and my former girlfriend stopped emailing that I had time to think. Really think about my life. Even though my W stopped emailing, she continued to send care packages. 

After talking with the Chaplin and truly thinking about every part of relationship, I began to realize MY failures in our marriage and discover that I really wanted my W. I began to reach out to her through email and Skype, but never returned my messages or acknowledged my calls through Skype. I thought about her every day. I couldn't sleep. I thought I had lost her. I emailed her one last time and ask if I had lost her and if we could talk. She didn't respond, so I called her - she answered!!! 

I am so thankful for her. We talked, and talked for the next few weeks and months. I came home on a 2 week leave and we talked more. We continued to talk for over 7 months about our marriage, our relationship, my affair, our anger. When I finally returned home in August 2011, we started counseling together. 

We are now back together in the house we built in 2000. I am very grateful and blessed to have have my wife. I know that now. She is the one person who loves me unconditionally.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

It seems we really are bombarded by so many distractions in modern life it pulls us all apart. It wasn't until you were off on your own without any input from OW or Spouse that you gained the clarity you needed to find. My best wishes to you and your wife, I only wish my wife could find the clarity you have.


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## TiredSpouse (Feb 10, 2010)

Yes, we are distracted, but I will not use that as an excuse. I was verry very unhappy with myself but I blamed it on my marriage - I had an affair; I left home; I treated my W horribly. I am surprised and humbled that she could have ever forgiven me. 

I was angry with my W because she pointed out things about me (during our the really bad and low points of our M) that I could not and truthfully did not want want to admit. The OW was my attempt to make myself happy through dating someone younger, someone who I "thought" cared about me and who I was. Man, was I ever wrong, and in the past, I would never admit that I was wrong. 

My W has been the constant friend I ignored and took for granted. WE both learned a lot while we were apart - and I think that time apart was what we both needed to understand who we were as individuals. The fact that she did not give up is a blessing I do not deserved. But I am making up each day by being a good friend and H. Good Night...:smthumbup:


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

You are a very, very, fortunate man. We should all be so lucky.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I officially would rather be in MY marriage the way it is, then in one with this guy! At least my current husband has somewhat learned shame in his own bad treatment of his wife... 

OP, I dont see you listening to anyone here who is suggesting that YOU have problems to work on. Plus the fact that you contradict yourself when you treat your wife the way you describe and leave her and then say you love and care for her?? 

Please divorce her, you want it, you pay for it, and then really look at yourself. I understand you may not feel a need to do that bc we easily and often fail to be able to see our own true selves... even when you have a spouse (or 2) telling you to your face. Please listen and by all means do not get remarried...it will be the only way you wont hear "nagging".... although I venture to say that what you hear as nagging is probably just regular requests for you to behave nicer and bc you dont believe it, you hear it as nagging.... my ex husband did that (so did I to him). You can get over yourself enough to treat others the way they deserve! You can do it!

addendum:
I just saw your wife took you back and you wanted to go back. Did she lose weight?


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

WOW!! I am so glad that you did not give up on each other. Are you still getting MC? I would also recommend the book "The Couple Checkup."


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Marriage is a commitent for better or worst. So when the bad stuff starts happen you want to bail? I am not sure what branch of military you are in but what happen to your honor? 
Now if wife refuse to get help or MC and commited a affair then I would say that would give you every right to leave. 
But man really were is your honor. Respect you wife and God if you believe work this out. She tried to honor you by getting help for her problems.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i think the guy has come clean on recognizing his shortcomings and issues in his marriage, and he is addressing them with his wife and she is receptive to work things out. i wish you the best


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