# Finally Here...



## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

*Moved Out Family Forced Me To Take Him Back, Plz HELP!*

Hi everyone,
I had posted here before in two different sections. You can read it here and here.

Long story short, he had cheated again for the third time. This time the proofs I got are horrifyingly real as it shows him flying with the girl and cuddling in what I presumed to be her place. Plus other pictures of her on her bed. The first time he cheated I have no physical evidence, the second time was online (I never know if he did went to see these girls he chat with or not while he was still working in China) and I had his profile page and the messages saved. 

I had moved out yesterday from out place right after I saw these pictures then I emailed him to not bother to pick my son and I up from my parents'. He was furious creating lies after lies after lies but I know for sure the pictures speaks thousands of words. 

He's now threatening to come take our 3 years old son from me. He's American and I'm Asian but our boy have dual citizenships. I had consulted a lawyer and will get my marriage certificate translated tomorrow so I can register the marriage that took place in the US to the civil registry in my country before I could start preparing to file for divorce.

I really want to do this as civil as I can but he's just scaring the living hell out of me saying he will bring cops to come get my son. 

I'm still in a numbing state of mind but I know for sure after what I had to go through with the first two affairs that I cannot live in fears of what more am I going to find about him with other girls in the future. It's just too painful.

I guess I just need to let this all out of my chest. The procedures to get divorce from him will probably be lengthy and costly and because the case is so different I'm not sure anyone here have the same experience but any advices are welcome. For the sake of my son I just don't want it to get ugly but because of his constant threats I am too scared to let him see my son alone and he was furious when I told him he can meet his son under supervision and started giving me threats again on how he would take him forcefully if he have to and how he will get full custody of him. 

Thanks for reading.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Deep breaths. He can't take his son, but you may want to preempt him by calling the police and say he's threatening you. So it will be on record. There is no way he will get custody, unless you've done something criminal. Make sure you keep copies of the proof somewhere that he can't get to.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

That's a good idea to call the police beforehand, Turnera. Thank you! I really didn't think about it. My lawyer said he can't do that and the police here are not suppose to get involved in marital cases like back in the US but knowing how people can pay police to do just about anything here, I can't say for sure that he wouldn't try to make his threats real. I have all copies of his emails threatening me with this and had printed some out. My mom wants me to stay with my aunt for awhile but I refused thinking why am I the one that have to hide...I'm not the one cheating


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you have emails of him threatening you, definitely take them to the police station.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

I will do that tomorrow. Thank you so much Turnera!


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

A quick update, I had reported this to the police and they gave me a letter that basically said I did it and if he should make his threats real they can use this evidence against him and I was advised to immediately file for divorce.

I'm still numb and it's only day 2 after I moved out but I feel so empty, still mad as hell and lost...is this normal? I had took off my wedding ring and engagement ring but find my self stroking the now empty finger like I used to do and when I realized my bare finger and saw the mark of where they used to be my soul cried again. 

I went out with a friend tonight who had been in a divorced many years ago and have a son. She was a great comfort and gave me a lot of insights. She said it took her almost 8 years to completely let it all go and make peace with herself.


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

Not sure if in which country you are from. You said you are Asian,. I have read somewhere that if you are from Japan, you can take your child there without any threat from your non-Japanese husband as they do not have a treaty with the US for husbands to file custody in Japan.

My son also has a dual citizenship and if I catch my husband cheating on me again, in a flash I will be back in my home country so that it will be more difficult for him to fight for custody.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

dantanph said:


> Not sure if in which country you are from. You said you are Asian,. I have read somewhere that if you are from Japan, you can take your child there without any threat from your non-Japanese husband as they do not have a treaty with the US for husbands to file custody in Japan.
> 
> My son also has a dual citizenship and if I catch my husband cheating on me again, in a flash I will be back in my home country so that it will be more difficult for him to fight for custody.


I'm in Indonesia, Dantanph...there I said I don't care now if people 'find' me here. The lawyer I talked with said he can't do that since the new dual citizenship law will back me up. Right now I'm waiting for the translator to finish my marriage certificate translation into Indonesian language then I have to go to civil registry office and get the marriage register here (I didn't know there was a time limit to do this) before I can file for divorce. I'm going to call an organization that helps women dealing with law since I obviously could never afford the price tags those lawyers gave me.

Sometimes I wish I would've walk out when he was still working in China but a wish is just a wish...

I am now facing a lot of pressure from my mother to take him back saying I need to forgive him that all marriage have problems, that my son is too young, that no one in our big family ever get a divorce before...you know for some people in Asia divorce is still considered a taboo thing but I know I just can't do this any longer.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Do not give in to the family pressure--they are likely to get over it, once the immediate crisis has passed, and even if they don't, what on earth would make them want their daughter live with a man who treats her so poorly? Tell your mom she raised you better than that, well enough to know that YOU DESERVE BETTER! 

I think it is great that you have access to a woman's organization that offers support to women in your situation. Get as much advice and support as you can. How wonderful that you have police support in the form of their letter, too--whatever makes it more difficult for him to frighten you is great. That's what his threats are intended to do, to frighten you into compliance. Stay strong and good luck.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Sisters thank you for your reply. 

Unfortunately things has gotten so ugly at my parents' house. My dad is the one who is more reasonable and all of my life, I've always connect better with him and he understands me better than my mom but he's not here, he's out of town for work and probably won't be back until Thursday or Friday. She just said to me that painful sentences again this afternoon "If you would've taken care of your body..." kinda speech and I just completely lost it. I mean how could she blame me? I told her "Look at the movie stars, they're skinny but some of their husbands cheats on them too! It doesn't matter what size you are if your husband is a chronic liar and cheater nothing will stop them!" She got mad and I just started yelling at her that my brother yelled I better stop or he's gonna slap me. 

I am so broken right now I just want to kill myself and get it over with. You know there's only so much I can take as a person.

My mother's first comment when I showed her the pics were exactly that "If only you would've taken care of yourself..." I mean I know I'm not as skinny as I used to before I had my son, I actually gained more in the past few months because food was my comforts, I have no sex life, months of rejections took a toll on me and I eat my loneliness. Beauty salon are cheap here but I have no time to go there, we doesn't have any maid like most families have here that can watch over my son for a couple of hours, my parents' house is about 1-1.30hr drive from the company's apartment. Her words just felt like a knife in my stomach. 

God knows I am carrying so much quilts as it is now. You know I played that 'if only's I did this, if only I wasn't so emotional maybe he wouldn't cheat on me. But to hear my own mother lashed me out on how I look it really really makes me want to die. 

She have no idea that for months I hide this from the family of how the cheater and I has been living like roommates, how he never touch me let alone have sex with me. Although he and I did had sex the night before my birthday, now I feel so disgusted, because I know he's already seeing her and chances are sleeping with her too. This thoughts makes me go crazy inside, feeling filthy but I couldn't say this to my mother and let her get away with always criticizing me. God only knows how many girls he had slept with all of these times.

She keeps pushing her way to make me take him back and when I exploded today and told her I'd rather die than take him back as a husband she said "This is why you will never have a good husband if you can't control your temper!" All of my life, I have always try to bottled things up inside me because I hate confrontations, I hate arguments, I hate fights and I know it's wrong because by the time it overflows and I just exploded I can yell and screamed because I couldn't hold it back any longer. 

I just don't know what to do right now...if I have money I'd probably take my boy and move somewhere far from my mom but I have no job, no savings, nothing. 

I really feel like I had just been stabbed right now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How are things going?


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## blahblahblah (Mar 2, 2010)

morningdew said:


> Sisters thank you for your reply.
> 
> Unfortunately things has gotten so ugly at my parents' house. My dad is the one who is more reasonable and all of my life, I've always connect better with him and he understands me better than my mom but he's not here, he's out of town for work and probably won't be back until Thursday or Friday. She just said to me that painful sentences again this afternoon "If you would've taken care of your body..." kinda speech and I just completely lost it. I mean how could she blame me? I told her "Look at the movie stars, they're skinny but some of their husbands cheats on them too! It doesn't matter what size you are if your husband is a chronic liar and cheater nothing will stop them!" She got mad and I just started yelling at her that my brother yelled I better stop or he's gonna slap me.
> 
> ...


This seriously broke my heart. I am so sorry. I don't know what to say besides I am so sorry.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

turnera said:


> How are things going?


Hi Turnera & blahblahblah

I finally met him tonight, we had been emailing one another for the past few days and there were no more hostility so I asked if he wants to see me in a public place so we can discuss about what we're going to do next. 

So, I went to the airport (he works there) and we met at one of the many small restaurants. Although I've been telling myself to toughen up and pull it together the moment I saw him tears just started rolling down. Luckily, I managed to quickly wiped it away, took a deep breath and greeted him. 

He apologized and said yes he made mistakes but nothing really had happened between him and that girl. He said the pictures of them in a plane together was just that a coincidence that she was also on the same flight, that he was just goofing around. They're friends, but he said the girl told him they should end their friendship because she started to have feelings for him. 

I don't really know if I can fully believe him or not but I know deep in my heart that I still do love him. 

Asked him what he wants and said he wants us to fix our marriage. I've been reading a lot at marriage builder website and I realized now how he and I has been living together on an overdrawn love banks and haven't been meeting each others emotional needs for years. 

Before I went to see him I had made a note with 2 possibilities if he wants to fix this then he needs to cut all contacts with that girl, marriage counseling and there will be a lot of work up ahead. The other option was for divorce. He said he love me and doesn't want to lose me and our son. He said "I'm sorry I haven't been the best husband you deserve lately." 

We also agree that I can't just move back in right away and that we're going to this slowly. First, I will try to schedule for our first marriage counseling this weekend (he used to refused the slightest idea of counseling) and he will pick up our son tomorrow or Thursday to spend a night with him at the apartment. 

I know it will be a long road to recovery but I am willing to give him a third chance to fix this marriage no matter how much pain I had felt before. Maybe this is not the wisest choice but I just feel like I need to fight for this one last time. 

Thank you for checking up on me Turnera, I really really appreciate it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I hate to see people just throw away a marriage, so I'm glad you're working on it. That said, PLEASE make sure you keep tabs on him. You have a 50% chance he just totally lies to you all the time and you can't trust a thing he says. So always keep your eyes open. And always put what YOU need at the front of things. If you find yourself slipping, and giving in a lot, and feeling uncomfortable, he's probably manipulating you. 

Good luck!


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

turnera said:


> I hate to see people just throw away a marriage, so I'm glad you're working on it. That said, PLEASE make sure you keep tabs on him. You have a 50% chance he just totally lies to you all the time and you can't trust a thing he says. So always keep your eyes open. And always put what YOU need at the front of things. If you find yourself slipping, and giving in a lot, and feeling uncomfortable, he's probably manipulating you.
> 
> Good luck!


Thank you so much Turnera, you are right I did told him that with his work schedule it would be so hard for me to trust him 100% again and I did asked him if he's not 150% sure he wants to work on this then he better bail out now. I told him that from now on for every out of town (domestic) business trips he'll make I will come with him and I will be checking up on him a lot. I do hope and pray that this time it will be different. Thank you again!


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## blahblahblah (Mar 2, 2010)

Yes. This is good. I will never ever have anything bad to say to someone who wants to try to make their marriage work.

That said... Be careful, be strong.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Blahblahblah, thank you! 
I know right now the chance is still 50:50 but at least he's willing to acknowledge the pains he had caused and we are trying to take it one step at a time.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Update:

Went to our first counseling last week but two days prior to the session I found out more evidences of the on going affair with that OW (plus: some love emails to a Chinese girl he called my wife, and some emails inquiring escort service when he was out of the country). Talked with the OW on messenger (she thought I was him) and she confirmed they had a fantastic time last weekend together. I didn't expect him to show up for the counseling since I already confronted him with the 'new' findings. He did showed up. 

I honestly doesn't even know if this marriage can be save or not. He still denies everything, not even one apologize and still tries to make me feel guilty because he accused me of hiring someone to spy on him and digging to find more evidence.

Then today I got a reply from his ex-wife. She and I never met before, we spoke briefly on the phone when she called to talked with her sons (when they lived with us). I message her on facebook asking her side of the story of why they got divorced since I only heard from his side and when the counselor asked him about this he said they got married too young that she haven't get a chance to 'explore' the world. To me, he said she cheated on him repeatedly and do drugs. Well, surprise surprise...she said he is a liar and so deceitful...When their marriage was on its 7th years, she found out he's cheating with a 17 years old girl that worked with them (he was 30 at the time). She said he still lied when she caught her leaving a hotel in the girl's car. He told her later the affair had ended but it didn't fully come to an end until she called the girl's mother. He did the same thing to her as far as threatening to take the children away (they have 2 boys), but she said when they were in court he never once brought the subject up. He also confessed to her that he had cheated several times during their marriage. 

See the patterns? I'm going to call her tonight and talk more. She seems genuinely sadden by this. 

On a lighter note...I got an email requesting to an interview for an English magazine about my blog here, which is kind of sad in a way because my blog talks about being in a mix marriage and living back in my home country. I haven't updated my blog since February (I moved out March 4th) so I have no idea what this magazine will ask.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> He told her later the affair had ended but it didn't fully come to an end until she called the girl's mother.


This is exactly why you expose the affair. Even if you don't want him back. He is ruining other people's lives.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

So true Turnera!

Well, I spoke to the his ex wife tonight...WOW I sure am glad I called her as it clear things up a lot. She too were subjected to the 'guilty' cards many times in their marriage. What an eye opening talk. We talked for almost 2 hours! 

I guess I will have to prepare for the worst. 

One sad thing tho'...I was on the phone with her when her son (my step son) came home from school. I wished she didn't tell him who she's talking with. The boy wanted to talk to me and it was so awkward...I love his kids and this one is the sweetest. He asked me "Is everything okay?" Lying to him made me feel so terrible! He asked about his Dad naturally and I told him he's just been busy working and I called his mom to talk about child support stuffs.  

Asked his ex not to tell the kids yet because I feel like it's the father's responsibility to tell his kids what's going on.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

So I went to see the counselor this morning for my first one on one session. She and I basically agreed that H might have a tendency of being a sex addicts based on the confirmations of numerous girls he cheated his first wife with and then with me. She said she will need to get more when she see him on Monday for his session. 

I almost broke down when I told her how the guilt and the what if still haunts me deep inside. She said even if I contributed to some extend to creating the environment that allows him to seek something from other women I can't control what he's doing, he is solely need to take responsibilities of his actions that had clearly hurt everyone in our lives. She also said he might be in denial of his 'double life' or was just too embarrassed to admit it in front of her during our first session together. 

We will be working on my temper for the next session, she strongly encourage me to get STD & HIV test done as soon as I can just to protect myself whether it is true or not that he's sleeping around with bunch of different women behind my back all of these years. 

I feel much better today but still not sure where this will go from here. I guess I am trying to take it one day at a time. Will have my first job interview next Tuesday after over 8 years and after being out of work for over 5 years. The counselor thinks this is a good step that I am trying to 'put my self out there' in a working world even if its just to establish my self and regain my confidence again. Wish me luck guys.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Awesome! Getting a job will turn your life around.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Thank you Turnera, I really hope I can get this job or another job soon. I am thinking about how wonderful life would be if I can be 'free' from all his chains and shackles of guilt.

Again, this morning we had a fight through text messages because I had another weird gut feeling that the OW was there while he had our son over the weekend. He said "if u think I'm still seeing her then show me ur proof because I know for a fact she has not been here, it was just me and A, which for now is how I want it until u want to make this better or not...I have told u I'm not seeing her so how can I prove that, like I said if u r so certain I'm still seeing her tell me how u know because I would like to know how I'm seeing someone that's not around.." He even said that I will regret this but by then it would be too late and I honestly just started laughing LOL. How weird is this?


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

A little update on the job front: Had my interview this morning and this company is so interested in me but I'm having doubts because if i do take the job it will involves a lot of domestic (or even international) travel and I will have to work on the weekends too if there's any event. This is a rare and great opportunity but I'm worry about leaving my son if I have to work on the weekends too. I haven't tell H but will do so tonight as I will be going to the apt and pick up my stuffs.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can you affaord a really good nanny?


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

My mom has a domestic helper that works part time and I've been 'borrowing' her at times before and she loves my son so I'm thinking to ask her to work full time to help my mom watch over the super active little boy. 
I will let them know tomorrow that I'm up for the challenge, will have to meet the 'big boss' first but the first two (General Manager & HR Manager) seems to really like me. 
Fingers crossed.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

So I went to the apt to pick up the rest of my stuffs last night. Lo and behold all the anger came back and the fight went on for about an hour. He's still saying nothing ever happened, at least not sexually. When I confronted why did he lied and told me he have to go out of town he said because he doesn't want me to get mad and he took that day Sunday (a day before our first counseling) to met the OW and break it up to her. If that's true then WTH is the OW still calls him "Honey" when I pretended to be him on Monday? That doesn't sounds like someone who you just broke up with. 

I demanded to see his cell phone, laptop and all his emails right there and then but he said "No, because you have that attitude again!" That only made me got even more upset because if he really have nothing to hide why can't he let me see them?

Then as I put some stuffs in a suitcase, he grabbed me, pulled me into his arms and he cried. He said "Please let me fix this..." and I cried too. I told him that I can't trust him, there's no more trust left and it hurts too damn much. 

Turned out he didn't show up for his one-on-one counseling session and he said the counselor is biased because she's a women. WTH? 

I am torn again inside....

Told him about my job interview, I didn't ask for his permission just letting him know that I want to take the offer. He asked who will watch our son. 

Gave him back my engagement ring but he didn't want to take it and put it back in my purse before I left. He said he understands that I can't wear it but he meant it when he gave it to me and that he still love me no matter if I believe it or not. 

That was the first time I ever saw him crying even after all of his As before. It pained me so much because I saw that love in his eyes that I haven't seen in 2 years but I just can't trust him and believe his words. 

Sorry for venting out


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You did great. He's used to getting what he wants by appealing to your emotions. Now he knows if he ever wants you back, he has a high set of standards to live by. It will be good for him, if he decides to do so (but I doubt he will).

Great work getting a great job so fast! Wish my husband could do that!


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Thank you Turnera, I know I have to work on my angry outburst but it's just so hard when he's still in denial. He wasn't too happy about me being back on my two feet and get a job again but I don't think he have no rights to say anything about it since he had stopped acting like a husband since the A first started. 

I will have my second interview on Monday with the creative director before I know their final answer, so far it looks like 85% I'll get the job.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We'll say some prayers for you!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

MD, good luck on your next interview. Listen to Turnera's advice, a wise sage. You are doing great. Keep the focus on you and the kids first and foremost.

Peace.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Thank you Turnera & FA,

My second interview has been cancel, the creative director is out of town so I'll just have to wait to hear from them. 

My boy has been so sick with a stomach flu and I think I'm catching it too and being sick makes me feel so down again and wishing things are different.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Update:

Well, I'm still waiting for that second interview, the creative director is apparently out of the country at the moment. So, I guess I'll just wait while I keep sending out my resumes out like crazy.

I did told H that his picture (well our family picture) will be in a magazine suppose to come out late this month. He didn't even show any interest or ask any question what that article was for, he only said "I'll get a copy" The only reason I told him is because the magazine asked for a family picture as they are spotlighting on my blog and I thought I need to let him know that his face will be showin up in public soon. Hmmmfff...that shows you right there probably while everyone else in my life is so excited about my 'first' break in a magazine here he didn't even care. 

Oh well...


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

I haven't been on much...

H and I are still being 'civil' my son has been regularly spending weekend with his father. 

H asked to meet me last Friday and I said I will see him if only it will be a productive one not just some lame empty talks like we had before. On my way to see him my son blurted out "At the apartment with Daddy and Daddy's Auntie" he knows we were going to the apartment. This felt like a jab and of course set my mood sour. My son had actually been saying about this 'auntie' for some days since he got back last weekend. When I asked about this on Tuesday H said oh she's the sales girl at a bookstore that my son got so 'hooked up with' and they spent some time there playing. Mind you, I never ever ask my son "Is there anyone at the apartment?" that would just be too sick. When I asked my little boy if he had fun with Daddy that's when the word 'auntie' came about.

We met, H said he had broken all contacts with the OW and she suppose to be transfer to another building or something. I told him again that I can't just trust him and I need to see proofs that they're 'over' like he claimed. He reluctantly said "Well, I guess I should give you my email password then..." I was hoping he would tell me everything as in what caused him to do this in the first place...but I guess that's not going to happen. Without thinking I told him if he and I moved back to the US then it would probably be easier to fix this marriage. He said he had tried looking for a job back in the US but he find nothing. 

He told me that he understands it will be impossible for me to trust him again. He said he's taking our times apart so he can 'compensate' all these times our son spent without him (from him working a year in China and all his long working hours/travels, etc here) so maybe if we do get back our boy won't be all over him every time he walks into the door. That used to be our evenings...H came home and our boy will be all over him and craved his attentions, leaving me with nothing. 

To me, the longer I've been separated the less and less love I feel towards him especially since I didn't see any real efforts from him. Yes, he said he still loves me and wants to work on our marriage but I told him I need more than that. I'm not going to move back in and fell into the old living-like-roommate again. Also with how busy he is at work I don't know how that will help rebuilding if that's what will happen. He told me to be patience with myself and allowing myself to trust him again in time.

In the meantime, I am working hard on myself. Will have another job interview tomorrow. Had bought 3 books that were suggested by other posters here: "How to Survive the Loss of a Love How to Survive the Loss of a Love", "The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment" and "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond)" Currently reading the Rebuilding book and I quickly identified my 'blocks'. 

I have not file for divorce although our marriage has been legally registered here. All the lawyers I talked with gave me a crazy price tags that I will never afford so for now I think I'm better off this way, working to 'fix myself' by getting a job and being independent again. 

Part of me still wants this marriage to be salvageable but part of me knows the trust is long gone and knowing his crazy work schedule is I don't know if I can bear wondering if he really is working or spending times with the OW if he have to go out of town or work late. I told him about this and he said he understands.

Thank you all for reading this. Wishing you all the best.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow. You sound remarkably well rounded. You are doing great, given the circumstances. You are very smart to be telling him that you have to see more, and you have to see proof. One such proof that other sites recommend is for him to write a No Contact letter to OW saying due to his love for his wife and son, he can never contact her again. He is to give YOU the letter, which you get him to redo until it says the above, and then YOU mail it to her. It's kind of a lesson in humility. If he's not willing to write that letter, knowing the OW will read it, he's not ready to come home.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Thank you so much Turnera, it's still hard but I'm starting to accept that divorce might be the only way out. Yes I have read about the No Contact letter and I will ask him to make one and like you said if he's unwilling then I'll just go on with my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

I had asked him to make that No Contact letter for the OW last night, surprise surprise he never answer, ignoring my message even though I know he had read it. Not a word "Yes" or "No".

This made me email him my own No Contact letter (Plan B). The one you had edited, Turnera. Had found a neutral friend who's not too close to me or H that is willing to be the one H must contact if he wants anything to say to me. I had set up a filter on all my email address so his emails will be forwarded to my friend instead. 

He dropped our son tonight and I asked my mother's domestic helper to go meet him and my son outside because H had never set foot in my parents house ever since I moved out. 

Had deleted him from my blackberry messenger too...

Part of me is so ready if I will never hear from him ever again and felt like I am doing the right thing, added in the letter that I will be working on myself from now on instead of waiting for him to snapped out of whatever it is he's into right now. If he comes back that's good, if not then I know I tried everything I could to save this dying marriage. Yet part of me is sad again tonight...

Thanks for reading my vent.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

MD,

You are proceeding well. I hope he will have an epiphany to realize what he is doing to you, your son, and himself. 

Like you said work on yourself. Right now that is the most important thing along with being there for your son. There are always sad moments. Just allow them to happen and move on with some positive thought for the future.

Peace.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

FA, thank you for your encouraging words.

I guess I just miss him, the old him that I fell in love with not this cold distant person he had become in the past 2 years. Hate myself for crying for him again tonight after I had successfully pushed him out of my mind and focus on finding myself again (at least for awhile). 

My job interview today went remarkably well, I can't believe how comfortable and confidence I was, will have a computer test this Thursday (mostly for powerpoint & excel) but the HR manager gave me a good vibes about this and everything seems great, just have to pass that test. Fingers crossed.

Thanks again FA!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

MD,

I imagine my w would say I became cold and distant to her as well. I withdrew emotionally and then physically from her in a depressive state. As I've learned a good marriage is based on many things but you need that emtional and physical connection to thrive. You need a man to be strong. 

That is where my sadness comes from when it hits from the realization of the pain I caused her. It is why I'm happy with myself for being there for her in her time of loss - being strong, being compassionate, being giving.

Keep moving forward. Good luck on your test.

Peace.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

FA, I salute you for being able to acknowlege your part in your marriage just like I know how my undiagnosed post-partum depression and my unhappiness of living in a small town of AL had made my H unhappy too. When I finally realized my mistakes he was already gone, maybe not phsycally but the man I love wasn't there anymore.

You are right about that emotional and physical bond in a marriage. Was just an hour or so ago I realized that I can't even remember the last time he and I hugged and right now I miss that the most. He used to be able to hugged my sadness away. But now I know I need to hug myself at least for now.

That is truly remarkable that you are being very supportive of your W thru her sadness. It takes a strong men to do so and I can see from your words that you are one.

Thank you and God bless you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Been 3 days since No Contact took place...First day was really rough I cried a lot. 

Today I had my second part of that job interview which is a computer test. Went pretty good but still waiting to hear from them which is hopefully soon. I so need this job to at least keep me occupied from my thoughts. 

After my test, I agreed to meet with this guy I just met through a friend for what he called a 'friendly lunch'. I was nervous, probably even more nervous than my test simply because I haven't been out on a 'date' for nearly 8 years. It went well, he was funny, friendly nothing more. I came home and suddenly I just felt empty again I mean really really empty inside and I don't know why. When I look at my 'friend date' eyes why did I wish it was my H's eyes...

Funny was how this new friend message me last night before I go to bed just to check up on me, asking if I'm ready for my test and actually gave me so many pointers to calm my nerves, even message me again in the morning just before I went in for the actual test. In the back of my mind I can't help but wishing if only my H can be that caring...

Maybe I'm not ready to meet others just yet. This friend knows about my situation and I told him flat out that he and I will just be friends for now, nothing more. 

What do you think guys?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

morningdew, PLEASE don't go on any dates, or even spend time with any men right now. You are too vulnerable. And half the men out there who WOULD spend time with you KNOW that, and only want to spend time with you because they assume you're easy to get into bed.

Go out and do something new. Sign up for a knitting class or a painting class or something. Make some female friends. Do things you always wanted to do but never did.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Turnera, you are right it was foolish to go meet someone else this soon. I realized the Rebuilding book I'm currently reading is right, I need to finish climbing my mountain first and work on myself along the way.

The guy called and ask for another meet up, a dinner but told him no. I have too much on my plate now. He took it qiute well when I asked him to just stop contacting me for now.

Thank you for your never ending support Turnera, really I appreciate your words so much!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

So it's been over a week that No Contact was given to him. I have not hear anything from the intermediary friend. 

But my father just sent me an email (he's working in Africa) asking what's going on and he basically asked if there's any way to bridge us together and work on our marriage. He said it's not good to keep a marriage hanging by a thread like this. I do am starting to get antsy living with my mom since I am so used to live on my own since high school. 

This makes me even more frustrated. If only H would just face it and tell me if he wants out or fix this already deep in a coma marriage it would be easier. But no...the last time I met him when I asked about him making that letter for the OW there was no answer yet he managed to say he wants to fix the marriage? :scratchhead:

Or should I just go ahead and file for divorce? I feel so stuck...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your husband doesn't do 'hard.' It's just who he is. If he has to work at something that involves looking at himself in a negative way, he is ready to just walk away from it altogether, rather than be the 'bad' guy.

You can't change who he is. Tell your dad that.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

I am still at lost to what to tell my dad, Turnera. He must have known that we had hit a brick or else I would be back at the apartment with my husband. He's the only person in my family that I know will fully come to an understanding but I just haven't explain to him everything. I know he's very disappointment...you see it is an Asian custom before engagement that the future husband asked for the parents' blessings (esp from the dad). My husband did that before we got engaged, and he had made a promise to my dad that he will 'return' me to my family in good manners if the marriage didn't work out. My Dad also had asked him to come and have a talk, just between the two of them to be completely fair...but he never show up. 

Granted my whole family are bitter at him but they still wants us to try and sort things out. 

I know I can't change him, Turnera. How long do you think I should go with this No Contact plans? A couple more months? A year? I still have so much work to do on myself but in the past two days I found myself back into this bitterness pit and feeling rotten all the time. 

Thank you Turnera


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to marriagebuilders.com and read their 'plan.' No Contact is one of the steps, but it's important to understand the concept of why you do it.

You don't do it to get your spouse to 'do' something. You do it to protect YOURSELF from his actions; if you don't know what he's doing, you can begin to unwind from the stress, and your true self will start to come back. Then you can move forward with your life without him.

If No Contact causes him to realize his mistakes, great, but it's unlikely. This is for you. So you can start your new life without him. No Contact should last as long as he continues to be able to hurt you.

And please go talk to your father. He is hurting, too. He wants to protect his baby. Let him.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Turnera, I went to read the thread of Plan B is so Hard last night and I can relate to all the post of how hard it is to be 'in the dark'...and how hard it is to not try to think about him or what he's up to. I'm trying to push him out of my head but it's just so hard, there are days where I feel much stronger but it's usually at night time that I started crying again. 

I just really hope I'll get that job or any job at this point because I think if I get a job I'll force myself not to think of him and concentrate on something else. 

My Mother in law has also asked me how things are going...she's such a wonderful women and I love her like my own mother. She has been praying so hard that we will reconcile and I know my family does that too. So I feel like part of me is letting them all down. 

I will write my dad an email today, thank you so much Turnera.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

MD,

You aren't letting your family down. He is doing that. It is hard to remove our spouses from our heads during these times, but that is what is needed. Cry when you need to and don't be ashamed about it. It is your emotion at that moment -- just don't let it consume you.

You can get through this.

Peace.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. And just be totally honest with your mother in law. She will understand.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

FA & Turnera thank you so much. My dad suppose to come home for his leave next month and my mom is still furious that H didn't do anything real to show what he wants. She even said "Don't let your dad get involved! He's been so patience and it hurts him so much to see his daughter being treated like this." I guess they just wants closure even if it have to end then so be it but to see me hanging in a limbo like this hurts them more than the divorce itself I think. 

My anger has resurfaced in the last few days...I feel like he needs to grow a pair and face this problem once and for all instead of 'hiding' behind his work (who knows if it's all true or just a cover up for his affairs). 

Thank you so much for all your supports!


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

I haven't been here in ages.

Update on me: I'm still separated. For awhile I'm doing ok, my husband (or should I call STBX from now on) has been civil with one another. He said he still love me but he won't let me come home saying he still have to work on 'some things'. 

Turned out his affair is still going strong, the other woman is now actually living in our apartment. He funded her an online travel business while refusing me money to put our son to preschool. He bought her brand new laptop, new cell phones, etc. These latest 'findings' really put me back into square one all over again. For awhile I thought he had stopped seeing her and he really love me and our son. 

Now he's getting angry because I won't let him pick up our son today. He haven't seen our boy for 2 months, never calls him, nothing! His way of support is less than $300 a month which is in a big city like where I live is barely enough. Our boy always cries and doesn't want to go there to the apartment with him but I do know he misses his Daddy. He still cries asking me to come home saying "Mommy go with me to apartment with Daddy" so he's still hoping our family would be intact again. 

How can I let him go now knowing that the other woman is playing mistress now? She acts like she's the wife now. That would only hurt my son even more and I can't put him through more pain. 

How do you handle this? I really think this is the end now. I had asked him what does he wants but he's been ignoring me for weeks now. Not a word from him so I really think I'm through with this. I deserve better than the treatments he's been giving me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you expose the affair?


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Turnera I did. I had emailed his pictures with the other woman to owner of the airline he works for with cc to HR Manager and another guy who is like his boss. Not one of them reply. I tried calling the boss but he wouldn't take my call. I guess internal affairs are no biggy for a local company like them. 

I had exposed the affairs to his whole family too but there's really nothing that they can do since they're all in the States. His son (from his first marriage) just sent me a message today and said: "He has always been this way and we haven't been very close at all most of my life." when I apologized for the bad news. I just told his son a couple of days ago.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sorry. All I can think then is that you're better off without him if he has always been this way. You deserve someone who will treat you like royalty.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

MD-

It breaks my heart to come back and see that you are still dealing with all of this. I'm truly sorry. And I have to agree with Turnera, if you've come this far, and still nothing has really given...is it worth it? No one ever really wants to give up, especially when it comes to matters of the heart...but you deserve a life that is so much better than what's being thrown at you.

I'm sure you've thought about it...but it might be time to entertain the idea of ending the madness and start rebuilding your life the way YOU want it...

Hang in there!


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Cgreene21, thank you for your words. 

I haven't log in or post in ages...so here's an update and a twist.

I've been working full time since October last year, the job is great and I am settling fine. I am moving on and has been trying to rebuild my life.

Since March 2011, I came back in contact with Mr. Ex. He and I agreed to get divorce and he said he will pay for the lawyers. I let our son spend every other weekend with him. It's like he and I are co-parenting. But I know he's still living together with the girlfriend, he's still giving less than $300 a month.

Fast forward to end of June 2011, he was out of job again. He didn't pay 'child support' and although I barely managed, my salary was enough to cover it. Then I found out he had actually gotten married to the girlfriend. They had a church ceremony in her hometown. I was shocked. He told me he had an interview in Singapore. 

When I asked he denied it - as expected! I didn't bother pushing it, I was calm and collected. Then a day after I confronted him, he messaged me saying "Hey, the divorce is finalized." Then he dropped the bomb...the divorce decree was issued in Mexico. 

To make the story short, because my marriage with him was never registered in Indonesia - the lawyer that he 'claimed' to have paid (he refused to tell me who they are saying if I pay have of the legal fee he'd let me know) told him there's an alternative way to get a quickie divorce...yep online, done in Mexico.

He emailed me scanned copies and translation in English. I have a feeling it is fake plus the research I did online says that now you can't get a quickie divorce in Mexico without one of the party residing there minimum 6 months. 

Today, I met him...amazing how the sight of him and his attitude still manage to makes me boiling inside. Tried so hard to stay cool but he can sense that I am beyond pissed at him. I told him all I want is my rights...to have a legal divorce. He insisted these papers issued by a courthouse in Tijuana, Mexico as legal. I dared him to proof it and he said he will. 

All of these times I've been so patience...he's been calling all the shots and I had enough. Either he's doing bigamy or these papers are real. I'm still trying to verify the authenticity for it. I emailed some lawyers in Mexico who said the papers looks suspicious but they can send one of their lawyers to the Tijuana courthouse to check on it but with a $400 price tag. I will make an appointment to come to Mexican embassy here.

I really am tired of this mess and I do try to move on but sitting there today trying so hard not to loose my temper and not taking his baits - I am exhausted. Both mentally and emotionally. 

Thanks for all your supports.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So sorry he continues to be a jerk. But aren't you glad you aren't the current victim of his jerktitude?


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Oh yes...actually part of me feel a little sorry for the new wife because he really is a piece of work and eventually will do the same thing all over again but she's not exactly a saint either because she knew he was still married to me when she and him got into the relationship. Oh well...thanks Turnera! Love that word: jerktitude!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think you're going to be so much happier, now that you've learned what life can throw at you, and can expect better.


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