# Guilty Feelings...



## Archon (Jul 13, 2012)

New member to the site. I recently found it and have been reading similar stories and thought I should jump in, so here goes.

Been married for 7 years. I met my wife while in the Army and we got married 5 months before I deployed for a year. I was young and the marriage has been a school of hard knocks. I've had two EA's in the past.

Last year we fought so much we almost separated but we decided to work through it. A few months ago she had a minor PA with a guy she became friends with in virtual reality. She made out with him twice with some heavy petting but didn't have sex. She immediately told me about it when she got home and since then we've been working on rebuilding our marriage.

We've been seriously planning for children, etc. However, I have not had passionate feelings for her in a long time. I don't look forward to being intimate with her and don't find her attractive. 

Just the other day I did an emotional 180 and said I don't want to try having kids right now.

She's finally been hired for a good job and starts soon. I'm really thinking about having a divorce and moving on but she doesn't want one. I realize I have so much guilt for wanting out and having no close loving feelings for her anymore.

I picture in my mind how starting over would look like. I constantly stare at the online divorce forms. How can I end my marriage without sinking from the feelings like it's all my fault and how much hurt I'm causing her?

Any advice is really welcome.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Archon, is there anything specific that has caused your feelings to fade? i.e. Her affair, things you fought about?

Sometimes people build up resentment about an issue or something their spouse does and it buries the feelings, but those feelings can often be recovered if the resentment can be repaired.

If you are just simply out of love, you might consider that perhaps you guys weren't meant to be. You've had affairs, so has she, feelings are gone... if you leave, you would be freeing both of you up to find someone else that will love the both of you. It will be a very sad prison for her to stay in an unloving relationship.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Archon said:


> New member to the site. I recently found it and have been reading similar stories and thought I should jump in, so here goes.
> 
> Been married for 7 years. I met my wife while in the Army and we got married 5 months before I deployed for a year. I was young and the marriage has been a school of hard knocks. I've had two EA's in the past.
> 
> ...


What about the hurt she has caused you? Aren't you about even? Are you suggesting that you stay in the marriage without loving her so you won't hurt her? Do you actually believe that her being in a loveless marriage will not hurt her more?

Every break up hurts. But the pain does eventually go away given time apart. She is starting a new job. She can focus on that. You have no children, so once divorced, you will no longer be connected to her.

In all reality, fault doesn't much matter. It doesn't make any difference to your future. Would you be happier if it was she who wanted to end the marriage? Would that make you feel better?

You may as well end it as soon as possible. Have children with someone you want to be a partner to. It's the kindest way to end this.


----------



## Archon (Jul 13, 2012)

Thanks for the thoughtful insight. I wouldn't want to stay in a loveless marriage as that would not be fair to either of us. I think mainly my complete lact of loving feelings stems from what she did and what I've done in the past and the physical situation as well. I feel that I'm emotionally prepared to be single again and start a new chapter. I know she would eventually do the same. While I'm not in love with her anymore, I still care about her. 

She said I have a few weeks to think about my feelings but she won't wait to have a family any longer. She is almost 31 and been dealing with a reproductive medical problem.

I just have strong feelings of guilt that I'm the one ending the marriage (even though it takes two). I suppose I need to learn how to distance myself from those feelings and learn to be true to myself and in doing so make it easier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mmzgirl (Jul 13, 2012)

Archon said:


> Thanks for the thoughtful insight. I wouldn't want to stay in a loveless marriage as that would not be fair to either of us. I think mainly my complete lact of loving feelings stems from what she did and what I've done in the past and the physical situation as well. I feel that I'm emotionally prepared to be single again and start a new chapter. I know she would eventually do the same. While I'm not in love with her anymore, I still care about her.
> 
> She said I have a few weeks to think about my feelings but she won't wait to have a family any longer. She is almost 31 and been dealing with a reproductive medical problem.
> 
> ...


Hello,
I have been going through something except no PA or EA. The man that I love or had loved was emotionally abusive toward me. Something just clicked in me one day and I said enough. My feelings disapeared. I didn't recognize it unti 2 months ago, at which point I began have panick attacks on a minute by minute basis. I desperately tried to "change my mind" but to no avail. The pain I have runs very deep, like a slow death. We have been married 13 years. I have felt so guilty I haven't been able to get the feelings back. Finally I sought help from a therapist today who has helped me. I feel so sad when I think of how deep my love was for him. We have 2 children together and I am concerned about them but cannot continue putting myself through this. Anyway, I can relate to your story, it amazes me how many people cheat, it never even entered my mind to cheat or have someone else waiting, I don't understand that thinking. 
It is strange because I still care about him. I developed more self esteem since going after my dream which is to be a licensed counselor. I no longer wanted to tolerate emotional abuse, down deep inside, even though he is in counseling, I still believe he will do it again to me, I wish I could change my mind so I could keep the marriage and not have to put my kids through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Archon (Jul 13, 2012)

Mmz, you definitely deserve a happier life with someone you can be safe with and love without being hurt. In my line of work I see family violence on a day to day basis. It takes enormous courage to realize you have to leave to save yourself.

My situation is indeed way more petty in appearance compared to some. I see the good life I could have with her but it would be built upon a lie of love that left a long time ago. As far as cheating is concerned, I believe that good people do bad things. No one is raised to accept that we are not infallible and sometimes we wander into darkness. I'm not excusing my actions or hers in the slightest, however.

My problem is I feel so bad about wanting to leave, as if its my fault her potential idyllic life will be destroyed because of me. I have scheduled a IC on Monday so hopefully I can muster the courage to end it.


----------

