# Former Lovers at the Wedding...



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Heard a discussion on the radio this morning where it was stated that at the "average" (whatever *that* is) wedding, there are, on average, 2 attendees who have slept with either the bride or groom (not including the happy couple with each other).

Some thought this was AWFUL.
Some thought this was GREAT.
Some thought it was okay as long as each spouse was honest (during the planning stage) about any guest with whom they'd had a sexual relationship (whether ONS or long-term).

Guess I'd like to see what TAM folks think of this. 

1) What is YOUR take on this (good/bad/indifferent)?
2) What is YOUR age/gender?
3) IF (and only if) you feel so inclined, were there any such guests at your wedding(s)?

Thanks in advance! TAM people always have such an interesting and diverse set of views!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Heard a discussion on the radio this morning where it was stated that at the "average" (whatever *that* is) wedding, there are, on average, 2 attendees who have slept with either the bride or groom (not including the happy couple with each other).
> 
> Some thought this was AWFUL.
> Some thought this was GREAT.
> ...


1. Maturity and understanding is needed for this to be good. That is as stated, if it is understood that the past was the past then all good otherwise not so much.

2. Male 53 (married nearly 20 years)

3. Yes there was - both were women that I had slept with. One of them came with her current H (at the time). The other one came with her bf (at that time, now her H). My wife was in full knowledge and had no problem. Neither of those women were ever my gf, just fwb


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

1) totally couldn't care less
2) female age 49
3) There were no such guests at either of my weddings, unless my ex slept with my sister or one of my cousins, which is entirely possible I suppose.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

1)I wouldn't do it. When I'm done with someone, I'm done. I don't do the "Hey, let's stay friends" thing. The only way I would have been ok with my husband inviting some lover of his is if he told me ahead of time. Still, I can't see him doing that. He's very much like me. He doesn't maintain any communication with former partners.

2) Female, early 40s

3) We didn't have former lovers at our wedding. It was mostly family and close platonic friends. 

I would be ok with an ex-spouse being there (mine or his had we had them) if there were children from that marriage attending the wedding. My mother-in-law remarried and she invited my husband's father along with the children she had with him. Their divorce was amicable. He attended both the wedding and reception. It didn't feel odd at all.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

1] Totally bad and tasteless. It is a bad omen at the start of any important venture to have negative people, with negative vibrations.

2]Male 44

3]No. There were no former lovers at our wedding. A wedding is supposed to be a celebration of the joining of two lives. Man & Wife and FAMILIES.
Well wishers and supporters of this venture are invited.

Wannabes and past lovers are NOT invited because they are neither well wishers nor supporters.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

1) No, no and no.
2) Female, early 40's
3) Nope.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

1) What is YOUR take on this (good/bad/indifferent)?
2) What is YOUR age/gender?
3) IF (and only if) you feel so inclined, were there any such guests at your wedding(s)?

1. I think it is fine if they are there as long as both people getting married know it and have been told about the past relationship. Honesty and truthfulness is the issue here. There are serious issues however if one person is hiding past relationships from the other person it is a very bad deal.
2. 50's
3. Beats me. My wife is one of those that hid these things from me.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

1. Bad.

2. M, older than you.

3. Nope. There might have been one guy who sort of had to be invited--he was once my roommate, is a good friend of mine, and had been intimate with my wife before I ever had anything to do with her (and before he and I were roommates)--but he's a smart guy and had the good taste not to attend.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

1. No way in hell.
2. 48/male
3. No, no and no.

IMO, anyone that keeps old lovers as friends is carrying around baggage that will at some point become a problem.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I had a "Cuckold" Wedding.

My wife's lover was there although I thought they were just friends.

She decided to spring that on me after the wedding. Wrong, just plain wrong.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I didn't sleep with anyone else ...but we did invite the guy I broke up with my husband over for a short time -me giving his ring back....my having a moment of "OMG I never dated anyone else, I need to do this!"... 

We invited him to our Wedding....my husband was fine with it....Because I *didn't* sleep with him...I can tell you that would have changed the situation entirely ...I just asked his feelings....It would have been a No -go for sure...

Really...that short experience is what made me realize I wanted my best friend BACK and he was the only one for me..

And I also went to HIS wedding and wished him & his wife well....she too, knew all about me...he broke it off with her for our short fling (all we did was kiss)...

Upping things to the sexual can really add another flavor to all of this...

There is just something about Sex! When you cross that line..things get emotionally heated.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

1) Totally unacceptable to me.
2) 57, Male, Married 34 years
3) none for me and none that I'm aware of for her.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

1) Bad
2) Late 30's/Female
3) No, but I invited 2 male friends who (prior to dating my husband) told me point blank they were in love with me (completely separate incidents). I never dated either one. I figured it was 1) ancient history, 2) I wanted to make it clear I was declaring my love for my husband. One attended, other did not. Both moved out of state. I've lost touch with both of them.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

1. I wouldn't like it. 
2. 51, Male, Divorced
3. No former lover of mine and I don't believe there were any of her's there. 

How's them Tigers doin', SGW? Oh, sorry. Never mind. - Roseanne Rosannadanna(sp?)


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

In 5 years we plan to renew our vows (25 years). Probably will not invite those two people. But, mostly because I lost contact with them long ago and I am a very different person.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> How's them Tigers doin', SGW?


We're 2-0 and tied for 1st in the Grapefruit League with Toronto and some clowns from PA.... 


BTW: Gilda Radner (Roseanne Roseannadanna) is a hometown-girl from Detroit!!!


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

1. It would be fine for some couples. For others, there could be troubles. If I were marrying again, as long as I was not mislead and was comfortable with the present state of my wife-to-be's disinterest in the other, I like to think it would be no big deal to me. (But perhaps it would be, hard to say.). I would never want to put "her" in that position.



2. 47 male, married 15 years



3. Yes. She insisted he be invited over significant protest by me. What really bothered me was that early in our relationship, she had characterized him as a good friend "only". The truth came out eventually they had had sex once, but it was "awkward.". That revelation led to unraveling a similar lie about her sleeping with an "official LTR ex" (and best friend of his) about two months after we started dating. THAT was what really disturbed me, and what I got to think about as we all had brunch the morning after our very small wedding.



Having had no previous lover myself, I consciously tried to "not sweat" the fact she had; I have no idea if someone more experienced would have had less trouble with it than I. But I believe it was her indifference to my feelings about the lies I mentioned that really hurt then, and even now.



I should have payed attention, for she has not been much of a thoughtful caring partner since.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I got to experience a twist on this at my wedding and it didn't involve anyone who had sex with my wife or I.

A good friend of my dad had two daughters, and he always wanted a son. He took a strong liking to me, and we keep in touch to this day. He was married to a Hawaiian gal, and his daughters were beautiful. Pretty much drop dead gorgeous bombshells. His oldest was the same age as my brother. My brother and the oldest ended up being each others firsts. She broke it off with him. I don't know the details of why, I suspect mainly the young formative years and not knowing what they want. For my brother she really was "one that got away." 

My mom suggested I invite dad's friend and wife since he did like me. We get the RSVP back that both daughters are coming. Hmmm OK. Could be awkward, but I wasn't going to un-invite them.

What I didn't realize until later was that my SIL is one of those ladies that like to know every bit of history because it is "part of forming who you are." So she knew every bit of their history together. She knew that she was my bother's first, that they broke up because of her and not him, that he was totally heartbroken by her. And 10 years later she was still remarkably beautiful. I can't imagine what was going through her mind, looking at this woman and knowing that she had my brother first, and probably could have still had him if she wanted him.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

1. No way 
2. Age 55/Female
3. No guests attended, family only


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> We're 2-0 and tied for 1st in the Grapefruit League with Toronto and *some clowns from PA*....
> 
> 
> BTW: Gilda Radner (Roseanne Roseannadanna) is a hometown-girl from Detroit!!!


Hey! I resemble that remark!  I mean resent, resent.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> I got to experience a twist on this at my wedding and it didn't involve anyone who had sex with my wife or I.
> 
> A good friend of my dad had two daughters, and he always wanted a son. He took a strong liking to me, and we keep in touch to this day. He was married to a Hawaiian gal, and his daughters were beautiful. Pretty much drop dead gorgeous bombshells. His oldest was the same age as my brother. My brother and the oldest ended up being each others firsts. She broke it off with him. I don't know the details of why, I suspect mainly the young formative years and not knowing what they want. For my brother she really was "one that got away."
> 
> ...


That's a bit sad. I hope he's at least happy with the woman he ended up marrying (your SIL). How did he treat the first girlfriend when they met up at the wedding?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> That's a bit sad. I hope he's at least happy with the woman he ended up marrying (your SIL). How did he treat the first girlfriend when they met up at the wedding?


Well it got rocky a year later and they divorced another six months after that. I don't know the details of the breakdown on their marriage, my brother was and still is very secretive about it. Wifey and I really liked his first wife. She was a very sincere nice gal. But at the same time, it could all be a front.

Now he's doing OK. He's now a BH, so it is what it is. He acts happy, and he's 4 years out from the affair. His new wife is judgmental and nasty towards my wife so we don't interact much.



Coffee Amore said:


> How did he treat the first girlfriend when they met up at the wedding?


He was civil. Mainly around the fact that her parents and my parents are friends, so he talked to both of them (the parents) for quite a while. Little with the GF, I think out of respect for his wife. I know the parents wish she'd stayed with my brother.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

1. don't think it's a good idea unless the EX is married and your friends with their spouse

2. 44 and married 21 years

3. Not on my side as my wife was my first. But my wife had quite a few sexual partners and there were plenty of guys there I didn't really know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

1. HELL NO!!!
2. Age 43, male, relationship 22 years, married 18.
3. Absolutely not!

I am the green eyed monster. I am very possessive of my wifes intimacy 
We were once approached by one of her exes on the street. He made straight for her to engage in conversation without acknowledging me and ignoring me.

I stepped directly in his way, put my arm around my wife and kept walking. He thought I was rude, but I just saved his life. My exes have all been kept at a distance as well. Mrs Conan is possessive as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

No. Neither one of us had exes at our wedding and they have no place there.
Female/39
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

1. good/indifferent
2. male, late 50s
3. we only had the officiant, one witness, and a photographer present

We considered inviting our closest friends and family, but decided to keep it private and low key. One of her best friends (and a friend of mine as well) was an ex of hers. Two of my best friends (and also friends of her) were exes of mine. We were in a poly relationship with them for a long time, and it would have been completely natural and desirable to have them present.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

1) What is YOUR take on this (good/bad/indifferent)?

Personally, I am not into it. But I know others who have done it and it was fine with both partners (and in some cases, one partner may not have even KNOWN about a guest having been a former flame--eek!)

2) What is YOUR age/gender?
Female

3) IF (and only if) you feel so inclined, were there any such guests at your wedding(s)?

Nope. In fact, I had one former flame (of whom's family I am still close with) tell me he never wanted to be at my wedding should I one day marry. So I did not invite him. Plus, Mr. Ex Jelly would not have been ok with that anyway and understandably so (cause I woulda felt the same way about him having a former flame there).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> 3. we only had the officiant, one witness, and a photographer present


That sounds perfect.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Guess I'd like to see what TAM folks think of this.
> 
> 1) What is YOUR take on this (good/bad/indifferent)?
> 2) What is YOUR age/gender?
> ...


1.If a past sexual partner of his was a guest at our wedding I'd be ok with it as long as I looked DAMN FABULOUS and she brought a date w/her. If she came alone it would be way too weird for me. Speaking for DH,he would absolutely NOT be ok with either one of us having a past lover in our guest list.

2. 31/F. DH 32/M

3.We didn't have a wedding. We put the money toward our new house.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> That sounds perfect.


It was ideal. I forgot to add the woman who owned the B&B where we had the ceremony, and she took us out on her yacht the following weekend. What a treat!


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

1) Indifferent

2) 49/M

3) At my wedding no, but I did attend my ex’s (long term relationship/fiancé) wedding. 

It was nice. He’s a good guy and I liked him. They were divorced w/in 5-years. 

Neither of them were invited to my and Ms. Spin’s wedding (no real reason there). Now Ms. Spin and I have been together 20-years and going on 14 as husband and wife (FWIW).


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> 1. Bad.
> 
> 2. M, older than you.
> 
> 3. Nope. There might have been one guy who sort of had to be invited--he was once my roommate, is a good friend of mine, and had been intimate with my wife before I ever had anything to do with her (and before he and I were roommates)--but he's a smart guy and had the good taste not to attend.


He had good judgment.

You did not exercise good judgment. Knowing what you knew you did not have to invite him.

Where is the biff to the side of the head icon when you need one bad?


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

theroad said:


> He had good judgment.
> 
> You did not exercise good judgment. Knowing what you knew you did not have to invite him.
> 
> Where is the biff to the side of the head icon when you need one bad?


I left out one detail, although I'm not sure it makes a difference. He got married while my wife and I were together but not yet married. We were both invited to his wedding. Only I attended--my not-yet wife was too "busy" that week to fly across the country. Given that background, it was a bit hard not to extend the similar courtesy at our marriage.

On the other hand, even though we live on opposite coasts, we have been to his house several times for dinners and he and his wife have been to ours. Both he and his wife are great people for whom I have respect. I've known him since my freshman year in college, long before I knew my wife, and he was a good friend long before I met my wife. 

Truthfully, that part of my wife's history doesn't faze me. Theirs was not a long relationship but it was not casual sex. I'm much more bothered by the ONS history. I could understand that for some it would be the other way around.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

1) What is YOUR take on this (good/bad/indifferent)?

indifferent

2) What is YOUR age/gender?

40's / male

3) IF (and only if) you feel so inclined, were there any such guests at your wedding(s)?

I am not sure on her end. I don't recall if any of mine were..it wouldn't matter to either of us.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

1) What is so important about the ex that you want them invited to the wedding?

2) Mid forties

3) Very few people there. I hope she hadn't slept with any of them since it was my best friend and his girlfriend.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's not a problem to invite them to the wedding. It IS a problem to invite them on the honeymoon!


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