# The Mutually Happier Parents Phase



## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

A year ago my wife divorced me after 37 years of marriage. It has been a long, hard grieving process.

My children are all adults. It seems to be common that women prepare for a divorce for about three years prior to the event. In retrospect, that definitely happened with my divorce. It seems that part of that preparation for many women is often a drawing the children closer to themselves to build a strong foundation of support for the divorce. As the divorce unfolded, I had to move away to where I could get family help in order to find housing because I had three dogs in tow and needed to rent. Moving away left my wife with the home and all of the children close by. They continue to gather for birthdays and holidays as they did in the past. The distance has meant fewer visits from the kids for me and some difficulty too. Some of my children do not want to be around a father who is grieving a divorce. It feels like they were prepared for the divorce by their mother and are happy for her opportunity to find greater happiness. My daughter in particular wants nothing to do with my perspective of loss. She wants our interaction to be free of the divorce. That would only be possible if we limited our interaction to a dinner at a restaurant or a planned day hike activity where she does not have to be within my divorce world. 

What is the best way to proceed? Should I just continue to text my kids with the message that I love them for now and let my daughter know that she may have to wait a long time if she wants me to see the divorce as a happy event or an event walled off in the past with a much happier present going on? It is difficult. I am sure that she just wants to be loved, but I cannot fit myself into her happiness box at the moment. Thoughts on this subject are welcome.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I might be sounding harsh, but I'm a no-nonsense dude. Reading between the lines it seems that you got too domesticated and became some sort of beta male, at least emotionally.

The fact that it's been a year and you're still like you were told yesterday reeks of a man that was pretty much either codependent, or just so oblivious, and took the relationship for granted, that you didn't realize what actually was going on in your relationship. And now you're stuck in your own self pity refusing to leave it behind.

You don't explain the reason (s) why your wife left you. So it's kind of hard to make a better assessment, but one thing that I know is that most men, regardless of how they were told, including myself, would for surely grieve the end of the relationship, but in no way shape or form, I would spend my life, moping around like a teen that just lost his first puppy love.

My dignity, and self respect wouldn't allow me to keep myself in a self pity merry-go-round. I find it discerning that you're still trying to draw your children into your pity drama, moping in front of them, like saying look at me, have some pity, be sad for me, take my side. That's pathetic dude.

You should be showing to everyone that you have sufficient self respect and balls to present yourself as man that took his wife's dumping with courage, fortitude, and acceptance, because that's the reality, whether you were emotionally prepare or not when you got dumped.

Dude, suck it up. Present a solid whole man front, even if it still killing you inside. Don't have conversations with your children that involves your ex. Just tell them that you've move on and are not interested to hear or have conversations related to her.
Don't try to guilt them into "you'll have to wait a long time if you want me to see the divorce as a happy event", just don't ever talk about the divorce with them. That's pathetic, like a said, just present yourself as a man that can take it, and is making a new better "happy" life.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

In other words, quit being a *****. 😉


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> I might be sounding harsh, but I'm a no-nonsense dude. Reading between the lines it seems that you got too domesticated and became some sort of beta male, at least emotionally.
> 
> The fact that it's been a year and you're still like you were told yesterday reeks of a man that was pretty much either codependent, or just so oblivious, and took the relationship for granted, that you didn't realize what actually was going on in your relationship. And now you're stuck in your own self pity refusing to leave it behind.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the inspiration, Rob. That kick in the backside was just what I needed. I now realize that it is time to make a break from the past, kick all of their asses out of my life and find me a new woman. It's all about me from now on. I'll show them. 

I am starting to feel like a real man already.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

OnwardNUpward said:


> Thank you for the inspiration, Rob. That kick in the backside was just what I needed. I now realize that it is time to make a break from the past, kick all of their asses out of my life and find me a new woman. It's all about me from now on. I'll show them.
> 
> I am starting to feel like a real man already.


Don't feel bad. I am in the same boat. Separated after 35 years. My wife obviously had a plan and detached, starting by withdrawing from our sex life and that was when the break happened. It was a bit of a shock to me, because I thought we were in a better place. I was wrong.

Regarding the kids, my youngest is 20. My wife has mental issues, so she didn't "prepare" our children because she is unable to communicate properly and express her feelings. I can tell my children don't like it when I talk about our failed marriage, so I tend not to. We have a good relationship, but I feel like I failed them because we failed in the marriage. I'm still in the house, because we have 2 adjoining properties, so I didn't move out (also for financial reason - and we have a dog, I can't leave right now). I'm still grieving too, but I would suggest you snap out of it now. Go to therapy and be active. Date again and your kids will be happy for you. I know it's easier said than done, but believe me... kids don't like misery.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OnwardNUpward said:


> Thank you for the inspiration, Rob. That kick in the backside was just what I needed. I now realize that it is time to make a break from the past, kick all of their asses out of my life and find me a new woman. It's all about me from now on. I'll show them.
> 
> I am starting to feel like a real man already.


Hopefully you'll get it over sooner than later.
The best approach in my opinion is to just be you, looking ahead and no backwards, or sideways. Just regain your navigation compass. 

Actually by becoming a man that had self respect, dignity, that is confident and secure in himself and life's taks ahead of him won't need to show anything to anyone, it will show itself. People will just see it without any show of displays.

Showing is bragging, bragging is a sign of insecurity, insecurity would only tell people that you're still in the same old path.

Good luck.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OnwardNUpward said:


> Thank you for the inspiration, Rob. That kick in the backside was just what I needed. I now realize that it is time to make a break from the past, kick all of their asses out of my life and find me a new woman. It's all about me from now on. I'll show them.
> 
> I am starting to feel like a real man already.


It would be sad if you had no contact with your children.


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Don't feel bad. I am in the same boat. Separated after 35 years. My wife obviously had a plan and detached, starting by withdrawing from our sex life and that was when the break happened. It was a bit of a shock to me, because I thought we were in a better place. I was wrong.
> 
> Regarding the kids, my youngest is 20. My wife has mental issues, so she didn't "prepare" our children because she is unable to communicate properly and express her feelings. I can tell my children don't like it when I talk about our failed marriage, so I tend not to. We have a good relationship, but I feel like I failed them because we failed in the marriage. I'm still in the house, because we have 2 adjoining properties, so I didn't move out (also for financial reason - and we have a dog, I can't leave right now). I'm still grieving too, but I would suggest you snap out of it now. Go to therapy and be active. Date again and your kids will be happy for you. I know it's easier said than done, but believe me... kids don't like misery.


All in due time. Grief is a process.


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## OnwardNUpward (Feb 17, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It would be sad if you had no contact with your children.


Don't worry, my reply to Rob was more than a bit sarcastic. 

I suppose I should not be so hard on him. He clearly has had no study of the grieving process.

So often, people think that there is a prescribed time to mourn and then one must pull themselves together and get on with life. This kind of talk is useless to the mourner. They must experience the process at their own pace. The other aspect of people suffering a loss is that it is not fun to be around. We want it to end and so we try to push people to move along.

I am a person of faith with a strong commitment to the seriousness of the marriage vows. The thought of moving on to a new relationship while my former wife has not sought a new partner or died, leaves me feeling uncomfortable. Her termination of the marriage was clearly final. She wants no contact and neither of us has sought the other out. In God's eyes I am probably free of the covenant, but it is safe to say that after 37 years it is not a simple matter to just leave my marriage behind.

My daughter will continue to hear that I love her. I suspect that she was a bit closer to the divorce than she lets on and in her young mind thought things would not be this messy. It is possible that we will never be real close again. Like her mother, she keeps a wall up to control interaction and feel guarded from any emotional harm. Now, I am the one really feeling harmed. She wants no part of that and so for now she will hear that she is loved from a distance.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

@OnwardNUpward do you know why the marriage came to an end? Part of the process should be a dissection of what happened. I know when I have an interaction that doesn't go well I usually try to figure out what happened. I'm fortunate in that I don't have a divorce but I'm wondering if you'd feel better with some knowledge of how or why it happened.

You say women prepare about 3 years in advance. That is usually only for like a walk away wife. Some one who has been unhappy and unheard for a while and they simply give up and bide their time.

Or has she been in a long term affair?

Mid-life crisis?

Different values? religion?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> @OnwardNUpward do you know why the marriage came to an end? Part of the process should be a dissection of what happened. I know when I have an interaction that doesn't go well I usually try to figure out what happened. I'm fortunate in that I don't have a divorce but I'm wondering if you'd feel better with some knowledge of how or why it happened.
> 
> You say women prepare about 3 years in advance. That is usually only for like a walk away wife. Some one who has been unhappy and unheard for a while and they simply give up and bide their time.
> 
> ...


I'd like to know too... it's important to try and understand what happened. In my case, I will never get a straight answer, so I can't really get proper closure, but maybe the OP can and that would help a lot.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> I'd like to know too... it's important to try and understand what happened. In my case, I will never get a straight answer, so I can't really get proper closure, but maybe the OP can and that would help a lot.


I thought you had kind of figured it out.

You pushed sex on a person who found that abusive combined that with mental illness and bam...

I have always found the advice that some find here about threaten the wife with divorce if she doesn't have all the sex the man wants the way he wants it to be the perfect setup for walk away wife. On one hand I don't think a sexless marriage is acceptable unless mutually agreed on.. On the other hand that approach doesn't lead to good feelings either.

ETA:
PS. I always thought your speaking out about your experience very refreshing from all the others.


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## OnwardNUpward2 (5 mo ago)

OnwardNUpward said:


> A year ago my wife divorced me after 37 years of marriage. It has been a long, hard grieving process. My children are all adults. It seems to be common that women prepare for a divorce for about three years prior to the event. In retrospect, that definitely happened with my divorce. It seems that part of that preparation for many women is often a drawing the children closer to themselves to build a strong foundation of support for the divorce. As the divorce unfolded, I had to move away to where I could get family help in order to find housing because I had three dogs in tow and needed to rent. Moving away left my wife with the home and all of the children close by. They continue to gather for birthdays and holidays as they did in the past. The distance has meant fewer visits from the kids for me and some difficulty too. Some of my children do not want to be around a father who is grieving a divorce. It feels like they were prepared for the divorce by their mother and are happy for her opportunity to find greater happiness. My daughter in particular wants nothing to do with my perspective of loss. She wants our interaction to be free of the divorce. That would only be possible if we limited our interaction to a dinner at a restaurant or a planned day hike activity where she does not have to be within my divorce world. What is the best way to proceed? Should I just continue to text my kids with the message that I love them for now and let my daughter know that she may have to wait a long time if she wants me to see the divorce as a happy event or an event walled off in the past with a much happier present going on? It is difficult. I am sure that she just wants to be loved, but I cannot fit myself into her happiness box at the moment. Thoughts on this subject are welcome.


 Just dropping in to provide an update. I continue to send texts to my kids reminding them that I love them and am hoping that they are doing well. My oldest has come to visit me and is planning to visit again at Christmas. The other three adult children are mostly unresponsive. I recently invited all of them to my brother's home for Thanksgiving. My brother has a long-standing tradition of hosting Thanksgiving which is a very inclusive event to the point of almost being an open house. I got one non-response and two that sound doubtful. The fourth has a commitment for Thanksgiving and will come at Christmas. I am disappointed in the three that have barely communicated. It hurt when they did not bother to contact me on Father's Day. I raised them to be better people than that. I am moving forward with life. I am dating someone. The grief has faded, but the losses of the divorce after 37 years of marriage and the way it went down will remain with me.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

I wish I could say it has been three years for me. My divorce is still fresh, and my kids are younger, but I can offer some advice.

I am in no way "over it", I still hurt, and I can find myself still blaming myself and have the occasional nightmare where my Ex finds Mr. Fantastic. You unfortunately seem to still be in a malaise that effects your outlook just generally and its that behavior you need to lose.

No matter my mood, I lose any feeling sorry for myself in front of my kids. I make sure I have good food in the house, and I plan some sort of activity, whether its a fishing trip, a movie, or hanging out in town. When I am home, my kids will play video games while I cook or we'll play board games, and I try to instill an atmosphere of family, even though my Ex isn't there. My hope, is in time, my Ex might want to participate, because I know sometimes she feels left out, and no matter what, we still are a family.

You have to lose the blues. Do things for yourself, learn new things, participate in activities you always wanted to do. Hanging out with Dad doesn't have to be a bummer. Work on being a happier person.. that might even include some therapy, In the long run, your kids will appreciate it and appreciate you. The side benefit is your Ex will see that change too and just might carry you those extra miles needed for your kids understanding.

I deal with my pain on my own terms, away from the family unit. My kids and my Ex see none of that pain or that process. They see me smiling, laughing, and having fun, and they see me participating in life. Make you a better you.. someone your kids want to hang out with and even the envy of your Ex.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Just read your recent post. You are much further along than I am, that helps for you. You're dating, thats good too. I'm somewhat fearful of the dating world, both because it just seems strange, but also I'm not sure of my reaction to my Ex dating. At times you feel like you're just over it, but then if I found out she was dating.. who knows.

I'll add that I text my kids every evening I am not with them. 

It sounds a little like your Ex has had their ear for such a long time that you were made out to be the bad guy. Don't give up on your kids...Keep at it. One day they might just come around.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Part of the process should be a dissection of what happened


Not sure when that happens in a divorce timeline... if it ever does. I'm sure at some point when the dust settles on my divorce there may very well be that dissection. I both welcome it and want to avoid it...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

OnwardNUpward said:


> A year ago my wife divorced me after 37 years of marriage. It has been a long, hard grieving process.
> 
> My children are all adults. It seems to be common that women prepare for a divorce for about three years prior to the event. In retrospect, that definitely happened with my divorce. It seems that part of that preparation for many women is often a drawing the children closer to themselves to build a strong foundation of support for the divorce. As the divorce unfolded, I had to move away to where I could get family help in order to find housing because I had three dogs in tow and needed to rent. Moving away left my wife with the home and all of the children close by. They continue to gather for birthdays and holidays as they did in the past. The distance has meant fewer visits from the kids for me and some difficulty too. Some of my children do not want to be around a father who is grieving a divorce. It feels like they were prepared for the divorce by their mother and are happy for her opportunity to find greater happiness. My daughter in particular wants nothing to do with my perspective of loss. She wants our interaction to be free of the divorce. That would only be possible if we limited our interaction to a dinner at a restaurant or a planned day hike activity where she does not have to be within my divorce world.
> 
> What is the best way to proceed? Should I just continue to text my kids with the message that I love them for now and let my daughter know that she may have to wait a long time if she wants me to see the divorce as a happy event or an event walled off in the past with a much happier present going on? It is difficult. I am sure that she just wants to be loved, but I cannot fit myself into her happiness box at the moment. Thoughts on this subject are welcome.


What you should do is leave them out of your divorce and ex-marital problems. No kids want to hear about that. No matter if they're adults or not. It used to really piss me off when my dad would start griping about my mother after their divorce. I just If you need to unload emotionally which is normal, you either need to do it with a close friend or a psychologist or maybe a pastor or something like that, not your offspring. 

He doesn't want to hear about their parents' business. I don't see why you would be talking about it when you're there to visit them. You should be focusing on being light-hearted around them and just having some quality time.


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## OnwardNUpward2 (5 mo ago)

HarryBosch said:


> Just read your recent post. You are much further along than I am, that helps for you. You're dating, thats good too. I'm somewhat fearful of the dating world, both because it just seems strange, but also I'm not sure of my reaction to my Ex dating. At times you feel like you're just over it, but then if I found out she was dating.. who knows.
> 
> I'll add that I text my kids every evening I am not with them.
> 
> It sounds a little like your Ex has had their ear for such a long time that you were made out to be the bad guy. Don't give up on your kids...Keep at it. One day they might just come around.


Thanks. After 37 years of marriage, the divorce came at a time that will have less impact on the kids because they are adults, but the timing and execution were devastating to me. My one-of-a-kind job came to an end due to COVID. With our senior years coming up, the plan was to remodel the house, sell and move out West. After putting three months of 12 hour days into the remodel, I was handed divorce papers. She had received a significant inheritance three years prior that she kept out of the marriage and was planning for the right time. With me unemployed, the house was hers for the taking. Recovery has not been a simple matter. I suffered a life-threatening depression and found myself trying to find a place to live with three dogs in tow. Finding a rental while depressed and unemployed with three dogs is not an easy task. I ended up leaving the state to go where my brother and his wife could assist me. I've taken a factory job for now while I seek a pathway back into my profession for what will be the last four years of full-time work.

I will continue to reach out to the kids, work on my professional development and nurture the rather challenging long-distance relationship that I am in now. Thanks again for your thoughts.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

OnwardNUpward2 said:


> found myself trying to find a place to live with three dogs in tow. Finding a rental while depressed and unemployed with three dogs is not an easy task.


I found myself in the same predicament. I was kicked out of the house on New Years Eve. No job, no where to go. I stayed in a hotel for three weeks. I have a job now but it barely pays the bills, and I have a home now. But it still is a struggle. My Ex is in a way better place.

I don't blame anyone but myself for the situation, but it still has its difficulties. My therapy as well as my attitude have played a key part in how I recover from this. I could easily have sunk into a depression and the embarrassment and shame that I put upon myself and my family might very well have walked me over the ledge so to speak, but I refused to let it beat me.

I lied to my wife. I had bad behaviors. To many, I don't qualify as a good person. I certainly don't deserve a loving wife like I had. All of that is easy to believe when you're down on yourself. Thing is, if you took those things away, I was very good to my wife and family. Easy to say, to some a rugsweep. But still the truth. 

Everyone changes. When you recognize your faulty behaviors and actually do the work, you find you don't have to hide your head in shame. I don't. I made mistakes, but I'll be damned if I'm going to let it define me or interfere in any way with loving and connecting with my children. Don't let this drag you down. Hold your head up and vow that you will do better... be better.


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## OnwardNUpward2 (5 mo ago)

HarryBosch said:


> I found myself in the same predicament. I was kicked out of the house on New Years Eve. No job, no where to go. I stayed in a hotel for three weeks. I have a job now but it barely pays the bills, and I have a home now. But it still is a struggle. My Ex is in a way better place.
> 
> I don't blame anyone but myself for the situation, but it still has its difficulties. My therapy as well as my attitude have played a key part in how I recover from this. I could easily have sunk into a depression and the embarrassment and shame that I put upon myself and my family might very well have walked me over the ledge so to speak, but I refused to let it beat me.
> 
> ...


I hear ya. That is where I am at. I was critical of my ex and probably my children too often too, but I also gave myself in love to the best of my ability. My marriage ended because we both failed, not just me. We can grow and improve. 

Grieving a loss that big is likely to be a lifelong endeavor, but it has not diminished my self worth. I am learning to embrace what life has to offer here and now.


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## jppaul5280 (5 mo ago)

HarryBosch said:


> I found myself in the same predicament. I was kicked out of the house on New Years Eve. No job, no where to go. I stayed in a hotel for three weeks. I have a job now but it barely pays the bills, and I have a home now. But it still is a struggle. My Ex is in a way better place.
> 
> I don't blame anyone but myself for the situation, but it still has its difficulties. My therapy as well as my attitude have played a key part in how I recover from this. I could easily have sunk into a depression and the embarrassment and shame that I put upon myself and my family might very well have walked me over the ledge so to speak, but I refused to let it beat me.
> 
> ...


thank you for your honesty. I'm in a similar place. I appreciate hearing stories like yours.


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