# Soon to be single dad. Married my best friend and she left me for an affair.



## bruin619

I would first like to thank everyone in advance for their time reading this and for their honest feedback. I have spent a few weeks reading everything I could get my hands onto online. I could probably guess what much of the feedback will be since many stories aren't that different. But I am interested in hearing from everyone. Those of you that have been betrayed and those of you that have betrayed your spouses. Please understand, while I know what I should do and what I might be doing for next steps may seem cut and dry I do love this person for so many different reasons. But I am also still dealing with the tremendous disappointment of what has been done to me and my son.

The best way I can summarize this:

5 years ago I met a friend. She was an incredible friend and we became best friends. We did everything together, and we dated separate people. She had just turned 21 and I had just turned 25. She had a 24 month old baby boy from a previous relationship with an individual who started using heroine and quickly disappeared from her life. We instantly hit it off, gave each other dating advice, had each others backs and were there for each other. Not before long, we realized what we were looking for was right in front of us. We fell and fell hard for each other, and one of the first words her son ever said was "dad" - to me. He is my son now, he always will be, I adopted him, I love him, and he is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. He turns 7 in July.

We had a very non-traditional relationship, as many are now days. With that said, we didn't get engaged until 2014 and we married in the summer of 2015. I never thought I would marry my best friend - whom I trusted with absolutely everything in my life. But I did and it was the greatest gift along with my son I have ever received.

We had a rocky post-marriage. We moved for work, my wife didn't get the job she was expecting, I was extremely focused on work, and I did not meet her emotional needs and the attention she deserved. I know the courtship never ends, and I let my best friend down. She believes she was communicating this to me the best way she knew how but she didn't get through to me. Like many of the stories, it was too late by the time she got through to me. I would like to say in advance of what I am telling you next, this is not an excuse for her actions, its an understanding and acceptance that I became complacent in my relationship.

We were married in June. In November my wife came home with her ring on her right hand. For the first time ever something was really off and I looked at her phone. I found what no one wants to find: photos of her and another man in her recently deleted photo folder. It turns out she met someone in September and what started as an affair quickly grew into a longer term affair. In November, when she said she was serious about making this relationship work and ending what she did, I took her word for it. But certain things I wanted to see her do she wasn't doing. And while I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, I was right. She continued the affair. I am a very forgiving person, especially for the person that I saw as the love of my life and I would do anything for. I read how difficult affairs could be to break from, so I tried to support her and work with her so we could reconcile. Unfortunately, the hold of her affair on her grew stronger and stronger by the day. Fast forward to the end of February this year - I caught my wife lying and cheating with the same affair partner again. This time, she said she no longer wanted to be married and she wanted to be with her affair partner. She said she can't explain what its like with him but that she doesn't want to look back wondering what might have been with him. I am 30, my wife is 25 and our son is turning 7. Her affair partner is around 41, approximately 16 years older than her. He is a doctor and your typical bachelor that lives in a one bedroom apartment, owns nice cars and wines and dines his women. He is known for this, but of course she is in the "we are meant to be together" phase. It would be easier to break through permafrost.

After processing everything, I spent a ton of time in shock, begging and pleading for her to come back which lasted a very long time. I know this is not my fault, she should have never done this and there were real options she could have taken if she were miserable. She is not the person that I know. She has had her fair of issues in our relationship, but they were all ones I understood made her who she was and embraced and loved. 

In recent days I hired a divorce attorney, put in for a lease on a new house and have done everything I can to clear my head of the usual things a betrayed spouse goes through. What she did was terrible. What she is doing is terrible. But with that said, it is a miserable thing to watch your best friend go through. (Yes, I know I need to be selfish, focus on myself and think about me, and so on.) But I married her for a reason and to see her in a place in her life I never have breaks my heart as much as what she did to me.

I am not looking for anything to be validated. I am not looking for anyone to tell me anything specific. I think I wanted to come on here because I respect what you all talk about, sharing my story is helping me through this process. And I just want to be part of a community that has dealt with what I am dealing with. I understand stuff happens in life which is why I welcome comments from any side of this situation you might have been on. Could I reconcile with her? Sure, if she showed me concrete changes and how we could use what happened to make our relationship stronger and affair proof in the future. But one of the real reasons I came on here today was because I am almost 24 hours into ending any contact with her - with the exception of anything that might come up with our son. I made clear he will not be used as a pawn for conversation and we have an initial plan until the separation is written and complete - so we should be able to avoid that. But I needed to start to get my integrity and self esteem back - and respect - which I through away during this process when I was the one that was betrayed.

One thing that has really hurt me through this process is that she has shown 0 emotion or remorse for her actions. She was basically in parallel relationships until she said she wanted the marriage to end. So I can see how someone might be keeping everything inside or not feeling anything at all since she is living this fantasy. But after I came in her life, became best friends, became the father to her child, adopted him, and supporter her through everything over the last 5 years - her lack of awareness/logic/respect and everything else I felt was deserved is gone. And I get it, that was gone the moment she cheated on me.

Sorry for the rambling. I am a great husband, a great dad, a really good hearted person. I am hurting but doing everything I can to make sure our son has an adult in his life right now and doesn't have an even more difficult life than he already has. Thanks, sincerely, for reading this.


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## becareful

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your mistake was in begging her to stay. She saw you as needy and pathetic. Women don't respect weak men. Is she leaving her child whom you adopted with you or will you both share custody?

Edit to add: What did you mean when you said you had a non-traditional relationship?


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## bruin619

Given the state we live in and the options there are for divorce given what she did she would have 50/50 custody at best. When it comes to him, that is the one area she seems to respect next steps. I am curious your thoughts on the begging and pleading piece. I know it was a mistake and since realized I should have shown her the door to figure things out and not gone down that road. Given our 5 year history, our child, and her mistakes, now that I have backed off to solely focus on me and my son, do you think she will come around? I know many people wouldn't want to reconcile after something like this. Under the right circumstances I would. But she is so far in this affair right now I am sure I pushed her far more into it with the begging and pleading, which I did out of my heart, not out of worrying I was going to lose an idea of something. I truly love this woman and hate the though of the games that are played when someone is trying to save someone. I did what my heart told me to do at the time. I should have probably used my head a little more.


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## Marc878

None of us are perfect but an affair this quick is probably bullsh!t. You sound kinda doormatish so read up on the attachment. Her affair is 100% on her. A marriage is 50/50.

Beging and pleading is the worst thing you could have done. You came across as weak and pathetic. They lose all respect when than happens.

You can never nice someone out of an affair. Too late now.

I suspect she is enthralled the the prospect that OM is a doctor and all that comes with it. He'll probably drop her after he gets bored. These kind usually do.

She is not your friend. If you're smart you'll do the 180 no contact except for the child. She will want to remain friends which will be bullsh!t. Look up the definition of friend.

You need to work on yourself for your future. Nice guys always finish last. I hope you realize that now.

Push that divorce through as fast as possible and try to come out financially the best you can. Take full advantage of her guilt, affair fog, etc. she dumped you so......

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=nSz5Z7GD.rSveJflLkq8lbXAYwE-


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## bruin619

Marc878 said:


> None of us are perfect but an affair this quick is probably bullsh!t. You sound kinda doormatish so read up on the attachment. Her affair is 100% on her. A marriage is 50/50.
> 
> http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=nSz5Z7GD.rSveJflLkq8lbXAYwE-


Candidly, I am sure you are right. This is not a reading I have found before and look forward to reading it tonight. Thank you for sharing this with me I will follow up with you after I have some time to go through it.


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## bruin619

Marc878 said:


> None of us are perfect but an affair this quick is probably bullsh!t. You sound kinda doormatish so read up on the attachment. Her affair is 100% on her. A marriage is 50/50.
> 
> Beging and pleading is the worst thing you could have done. You came across as weak and pathetic. They lose all respect when than happens.
> 
> You can never nice someone out of an affair. Too late now.
> 
> I suspect she is enthralled the the prospect that OM is a doctor and all that comes with it. He'll probably drop her after he gets bored. These kind usually do.
> 
> She is not your friend. If you're smart you'll do the 180 no contact except for the child. She will want to remain friends which will be bullsh!t. Look up the definition of friend.
> 
> You need to work on yourself for your future. Nice guys always finish last. I hope you realize that now.
> 
> http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=nSz5Z7GD.rSveJflLkq8lbXAYwE-


also curious what you mean by its probably BS ""


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## Hope1964

So very sorry this has happened. You sound like you're in the right place though. Good for you for putting an end to her hold on you and doing what you needed to do.

Do you have a plan for when her doctor dumps her? ie to stay strong and not take her back?


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## Marc878

Reconciliation is only an option if she has some remourse. Not just sorry she got caught.

You like the typical Nice Guy doormat would jump in immediately and probably fail.

Why? No respect, plus it takes two and she would have a lot of heavy lifting on her part and you've already set the tone to her of who you are. 

If she were to come around could you find your balls and be a man???????

That's the key. A reconciliation wich is on your terms and your time table.

Unless you suck it up rugsweep the affair and live your life as her doormat on her terms.

This is the thing. Can you live with the fact of her betrayal and dumping you for a full out sexual affair wit OM? All the lying hiding and denying behind your back on hat went with it???


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## Marc878

BS - betrayed spouse
WS- wayward spouse

OM- other man ....... POS piece of sh!t


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## Marc878

bruin619 said:


> also curious what you mean by its probably BS ""


Cheaterspeak. To justify an affair the cheater will rewrite history.

You were a bad husband, father, it was all 100% your fault that she went out and had sex with OM

Cheaterscript is always the same. Your problem is common. Not unique at all. Read a few and you'll see what I mean.

You will be blamed for etc. working on that gets you nowhere in an affair. Hence you can never nice them back

I bet you didn't do any exposure of the affair either did you?

Typical nice guy approach. Affairs thrive only in secret, hidden and in the dark. Exposure shows it for what it is. A lot live in fear of losing them but they are already gone. It's you're only weapon.


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## Marc878

Right now I'd bet know one knows what went on. If you weren't so affraid and weak.

I'd do full exposure to all of her friends, family, work if it applies unless you are trying for a favorable divorce but to be honest I've never seen where that helps much.

Usually the only way to stop an affair is with exposure but most are to weak and affraid.


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## Marc878

Here's the info. What do you have to lose. 

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums


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## Marc878

You had better wake up and start using your head. Your heart will betray you in this.


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## bruin619

By non traditional I mean she was a single mom never married with a 24 month old that I became the father of


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## Marc878

If you go the exposure route you do not warn or talk to her about it.

You get a full list of contacts for her and him and send it out all at once explaining what's going on.

Set back and wait for the fallout. This is on her and him let them deal with it.

Do you or did you keep any evidence etc?


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## SunCMars

Some of the replies you will get on this site, TAM, will be brutal. Read all of them. Most are from betrayed spouses BS, especially BH, betrayed husband,,,dats you dude!

You will come out of this just fine. You are young. You can start over. The doctor of shmuck will dump her promptly, very likely. If he does not, he will cheat on her, too, guaranteed.


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## 225985

OP, why did you sign a lease on a new house? Did YOU leave the house? You should have kicked her out.

As for exposure, it is not worth the added stress unless you want her back. If you are divorcing, exposure does little except for revenge. Let her stay in the fog while you get better divorce terms.


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## GusPolinski

Sorry man. 

Push the divorce through as quickly as possible. Get it done while she's still in her fog and before OM dumps her like a hot rock.

And, while it might sound heartless, it kind of sucks for you (from a purely financial perspective) that you adopted her kid, because you're going to wind up being forced to pay child support now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW

I think you need to take of the rose colored glasses and see this woman for who she truly is at heart. Yes you dated for an extended period, but you were only married for 3 months before she started cheating, 3 months. I believe that most relationships can be fixed if both parties work to resolve their issues. This has nothing to do with what you did one way or the other, she found herself a doctor and decided to trade up (in her mind). She only paid lip service to reconciliation to make sure that sugar daddy was on board with her plans. For someone to do this less than a year of marriage is very disturbing and the chances of the relationship working if very, very low. This was bound to happen sooner or later and would probably happen again, even if she did come back. Be happy that you have a son that loves you and concentrate your energies there and move on with life. There are many good women that would love to have a relationship with a hardworking, dedicated partner.


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## Maxo

Do you feel she has NPD?
MANY CHEATERS DO.


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## Marc878

You have to wonder as quick as this happened were you set up for this after the adoption of her child was complete?


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## 225985

GusPolinski said:


> Sorry man.
> 
> Push the divorce through as quickly as possible. Get it done while she's still in her fog and before OM dumps her like a hot rock.
> 
> And, while it might sound heartless, it kind of sucks for you (from a purely financial perspective) that you adopted her kid, because you're going to wind up being forced to pay child support now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True, but he will have a father that loves him and he never will forget that.


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## bruin619

Hope1964 said:


> So very sorry this has happened. You sound like you're in the right place though. Good for you for putting an end to her hold on you and doing what you needed to do.
> 
> Do you have a plan for when her doctor dumps her? ie to stay strong and not take her back?


Thank you. About an hour away from 24 hours of not talking for the first time. Just dropped our son off at her mothers house and thankfully she was not downstairs when I dropped him off (we are splitting up the time with him not until there is a signed agreement.) Knowing myself, with each passing day I will come to realize what many of you already know reading this from the outside of my relationship. In addition to the steps I am taking I just need a bit more time on my side. I am at the point now where I start to miss "us" I just think of what she did or the many lies that came with it to snap myself out of it. As anyone would be in my situation I am pissed off she is sleeping with someone else - but I think about what I doormat I did become and this guy let alone the next isn't going to put up with half of what I did for the better part of us. A week or two ago I would tell you I hope she regrets every last thing she did to me, to us and to our family. But given who she is today, I don't think that is likely and I am not going to rely on that to piece together my life and my sons life.


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## bruin619

Maxo said:


> Do you feel she has NPD?
> MANY CHEATERS DO.


what does this mean?


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## bruin619

thank you - he really is the best. Of the many things I think are my "calling" in life and what I want to leave behind, he is something I will give all I have to.


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## bruin619

Marc878 said:


> You have to wonder as quick as this happened were you set up for this after the adoption of her child was complete?


I don't think so. But it is very strange. Her mother told me through this process that when she was dating when he was 12-24 months she used to ask her mother what she thought of that man and if she thought they would make a good father because she didn't want someone around her son that wouldn't. I don't think she was on the search for a father, I sincerely know she loves her son and wanted the best for him. Our relationship was great for 5 years. She was devoted, committed, trustworthy and cared. But she our relationship was tested (by a move and struggle with her job) that is all it took. Thankfully that happened now, and not years down the road when someone is sick in the hospital or worse.


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## CH

She upgrades up...See the pattern.

She's a great friend but from what you say, she's looking for upward mobility to better her lifestyle.

She kept you around for plan B if Mr. perfect ditched her. Once it was a go, you were shown the door, hence zero remorse.

Did you adopt her child? If not, and if OM is looking to push you out of the picture completely, you might never get to see the kid again.

Get with a lawyer and explore all your options on custody.


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## Maxo

Narcissitic Personality Disorder. IMO, anyone dealing with a cheater would be well advised to become informed re the Cluster B personality disorders. Also,research Hypergamy and Briffault's Law.


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## Marc878

You are probably seeing who she really is versus who you thought she was.

No one changes that quick. Put this in perspective for your future.


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## GusPolinski

blueinbr said:


> True, but he will have a father that loves him and he never will forget that.


Ideally it would be the bio-dad (or, at the very least, the mother's next husband) that does that instead of some poor schmuck that got rope-a-doped into doing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bruin619

Marc878 said:


> Reconciliation is only an option if she has some remourse. Not just sorry she got caught.
> 
> You like the typical Nice Guy doormat would jump in immediately and probably fail.
> 
> Why? No respect, plus it takes two and she would have a lot of heavy lifting on her part and you've already set the tone to her of who you are.
> 
> If she were to come around could you find your balls and be a man???????
> 
> That's the key. A reconciliation wich is on your terms and your time table.
> 
> Unless you suck it up rugsweep the affair and live your life as her doormat on her terms.
> 
> This is the thing. Can you live with the fact of her betrayal and dumping you for a full out sexual affair wit OM? All the lying hiding and denying behind your back on hat went with it???


You are right. I know this is all true - and can I say based on my recent responses and actions towards her that I would have the balls to put in place what you are saying right now if she picked up the phone and wanted to make this work? Yesterday, I would have done it. Today, I know I can't. And this is the first 24 hours I haven't been hoping to hear from her via phone, text, etc. Something started to click over the past day where I know I wasted so much time letting her disrespect me and go back and forth while I was willing to accept, forgive and try to make this work. She walked all over me, she showed no respect to me or our son and now its time to get myself through this, stronger, better than before this happened and only at that time reevaluate life. In the meantime, who is sleeping on the pillow next to her when she is over at his house may have changed, but she hasn't. She spent no time looking at what she did and at the end of the day she was the one that had the serious problems. So that won't last long and if it does it doesn't mean she will truly be happy. She will realize at some point what she did, even if she continues to place her blame elsewhere to justify her actions. At that time, it will either be too late, or she's going to have to show me how things will be different for the rest of our life. Knowing myself, I will have found someone by that time that will be better for me. But for now, I am not jumping into anything. Just focused on me and my son and getting ready for our new home we move into on June 1.


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## 225985

Maxo said:


> Narcissitic Personality Disorder. IMO, anyone dealing with a cheater would be well advised to become informed re the Cluster B personality disorders. Also,research Hypergamy and Briffault's Law.


or, She is just a bad person. The above, which I do not understand or care to understand, implies that she has a disease/disorder and therefore is not at fault.


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## bruin619

Marc878 said:


> Cheaterspeak. To justify an affair the cheater will rewrite history.
> 
> You were a bad husband, father, it was all 100% your fault that she went out and had sex with OM
> 
> Cheaterscript is always the same. Your problem is common. Not unique at all. Read a few and you'll see what I mean.
> 
> You will be blamed for etc. working on that gets you nowhere in an affair. Hence you can never nice them back
> 
> I bet you didn't do any exposure of the affair either did you?
> 
> Typical nice guy approach. Affairs thrive only in secret, hidden and in the dark. Exposure shows it for what it is. A lot live in fear of losing them but they are already gone. It's you're only weapon.


The issue here is the people she "respects" on her side, friends wise, know she did this. Were telling her she shouldn't be doing this and needed to "pick one" and became so exhausted by what she did they don't talk to her about her personal relationships anymore. Her best friend, who was her bridesmaid has told her she doesn't want to be friends with her anymore and her behavior is very damaging. This is someone she has been very close to most of her life. She has no father, and her mother is an "enabler" if you will. She wants to avoid confrontation with her daughter at all costs, has tried to say things, but at the cost of losing her relationship with her only child has avoided the conversation. I am disappointed in her mother, however her daughter will not listen or welcome what she has to say. She would shut down immediately. I have started telling our friends, the majority of which are on my side. They are very disappointed in her, they accepted her because she was with me and have started shutting down on her (I don't want this to sound childish but they have started unfriending her on Facebook for instance) which my wife did notice and upset her. But for those that have started reaching out to my wife, my wife has not returned their calls or texts (including our good friend who married us who has not been able to reach her)


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## bruin619

blueinbr said:


> OP, why did you sign a lease on a new house? Did YOU leave the house? You should have kicked her out.
> 
> As for exposure, it is not worth the added stress unless you want her back. If you are divorcing, exposure does little except for revenge. Let her stay in the fog while you get better divorce terms.


Short version, we were in another state for a short period, she left with our son and returned to our home state without permission. I worked with my job to move back - since she is staying with her mother, not at a home we share I have started to ensure next steps are properly in place at the advice of my attorney. It isn't abandonment because of what she has done and where she went. A decision she didn't make with me which she should have.


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## Marc878

bruin619 said:


> You are right. I know this is all true - and can I say based on my recent responses and actions towards her that I would have the balls to put in place what you are saying right now if she picked up the phone and wanted to make this work? Yesterday, I would have done it. Today, I know I can't. And this is the first 24 hours I haven't been hoping to hear from her via phone, text, etc. Something started to click over the past day where I know I wasted so much time letting her disrespect me and go back and forth while I was willing to accept, forgive and try to make this work. She walked all over me, she showed no respect to me or our son and now its time to get myself through this, stronger, better than before this happened and only at that time reevaluate life. In the meantime, who is sleeping on the pillow next to her when she is over at his house may have changed, but she hasn't. She spent no time looking at what she did and at the end of the day she was the one that had the serious problems. So that won't last long and if it does it doesn't mean she will truly be happy. She will realize at some point what she did, even if she continues to place her blame elsewhere to justify her actions. At that time, it will either be too late, or she's going to have to show me how things will be different for the rest of our life. Knowing myself, I will have found someone by that time that will be better for me. But for now, I am not jumping into anything. Just focused on me and my son and getting ready for our new home we move into on June 1.


The truth is sometimes cold and harsh. You do understand now that her blaming you was used to justify her affair? This is common and easily recognized here. Sorry you didn't find TAM earlier. 

Once you've gotten your manhood back your life will change for the better and YOU can make your future what you want it to be. 

Wasting time on this probably has no value to you. Sorry


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## bruin619

CH said:


> She upgrades up...See the pattern.
> 
> She's a great friend but from what you say, she's looking for upward mobility to better her lifestyle.
> 
> She kept you around for plan B if Mr. perfect ditched her. Once it was a go, you were shown the door, hence zero remorse.
> 
> Did you adopt her child? If not, and if OM is looking to push you out of the picture completely, you might never get to see the kid again.
> 
> Get with a lawyer and explore all your options on custody.


Yes I adopted him. My attorney (who is one of the best in the state) says this is a clear cut case. At best she gets 50/50. There is no child support the way the separation agreement is being written. I will take his bills and pay directly to the vendors. Not something you typically see but given where she is at and how she has been handling finances the attorneys are going to put this into place.


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## Marduk

bruin619 said:


> I would first like to thank everyone in advance for their time reading this and for their honest feedback. I have spent a few weeks reading everything I could get my hands onto online. I could probably guess what much of the feedback will be since many stories aren't that different. But I am interested in hearing from everyone. Those of you that have been betrayed and those of you that have betrayed your spouses. Please understand, while I know what I should do and what I might be doing for next steps may seem cut and dry I do love this person for so many different reasons. But I am also still dealing with the tremendous disappointment of what has been done to me and my son.
> 
> The best way I can summarize this:
> 
> 5 years ago I met a friend. She was an incredible friend and we became best friends. We did everything together, and we dated separate people. She had just turned 21 and I had just turned 25. She had a 24 month old baby boy from a previous relationship with an individual who started using heroine and quickly disappeared from her life. We instantly hit it off, gave each other dating advice, had each others backs and were there for each other. Not before long, we realized what we were looking for was right in front of us. We fell and fell hard for each other, and one of the first words her son ever said was "dad" - to me. He is my son now, he always will be, I adopted him, I love him, and he is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. He turns 7 in July.
> 
> We had a very non-traditional relationship, as many are now days. With that said, we didn't get engaged until 2014 and we married in the summer of 2015. I never thought I would marry my best friend - whom I trusted with absolutely everything in my life. But I did and it was the greatest gift along with my son I have ever received.
> 
> We had a rocky post-marriage. We moved for work, my wife didn't get the job she was expecting, I was extremely focused on work, and I did not meet her emotional needs and the attention she deserved. I know the courtship never ends, and I let my best friend down. She believes she was communicating this to me the best way she knew how but she didn't get through to me. Like many of the stories, it was too late by the time she got through to me. I would like to say in advance of what I am telling you next, this is not an excuse for her actions, its an understanding and acceptance that I became complacent in my relationship.
> 
> We were married in June. In November my wife came home with her ring on her right hand. For the first time ever something was really off and I looked at her phone. I found what no one wants to find: photos of her and another man in her recently deleted photo folder. It turns out she met someone in September and what started as an affair quickly grew into a longer term affair. In November, when she said she was serious about making this relationship work and ending what she did, I took her word for it. But certain things I wanted to see her do she wasn't doing. And while I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, I was right. She continued the affair. I am a very forgiving person, especially for the person that I saw as the love of my life and I would do anything for. I read how difficult affairs could be to break from, so I tried to support her and work with her so we could reconcile. Unfortunately, the hold of her affair on her grew stronger and stronger by the day. Fast forward to the end of February this year - I caught my wife lying and cheating with the same affair partner again. This time, she said she no longer wanted to be married and she wanted to be with her affair partner. She said she can't explain what its like with him but that she doesn't want to look back wondering what might have been with him. I am 30, my wife is 25 and our son is turning 7. Her affair partner is around 41, approximately 16 years older than her. He is a doctor and your typical bachelor that lives in a one bedroom apartment, owns nice cars and wines and dines his women. He is known for this, but of course she is in the "we are meant to be together" phase. It would be easier to break through permafrost.
> 
> After processing everything, I spent a ton of time in shock, begging and pleading for her to come back which lasted a very long time. I know this is not my fault, she should have never done this and there were real options she could have taken if she were miserable. She is not the person that I know. She has had her fair of issues in our relationship, but they were all ones I understood made her who she was and embraced and loved.
> 
> In recent days I hired a divorce attorney, put in for a lease on a new house and have done everything I can to clear my head of the usual things a betrayed spouse goes through. What she did was terrible. What she is doing is terrible. But with that said, it is a miserable thing to watch your best friend go through. (Yes, I know I need to be selfish, focus on myself and think about me, and so on.) But I married her for a reason and to see her in a place in her life I never have breaks my heart as much as what she did to me.
> 
> I am not looking for anything to be validated. I am not looking for anyone to tell me anything specific. I think I wanted to come on here because I respect what you all talk about, sharing my story is helping me through this process. And I just want to be part of a community that has dealt with what I am dealing with. I understand stuff happens in life which is why I welcome comments from any side of this situation you might have been on. Could I reconcile with her? Sure, if she showed me concrete changes and how we could use what happened to make our relationship stronger and affair proof in the future. But one of the real reasons I came on here today was because I am almost 24 hours into ending any contact with her - with the exception of anything that might come up with our son. I made clear he will not be used as a pawn for conversation and we have an initial plan until the separation is written and complete - so we should be able to avoid that. But I needed to start to get my integrity and self esteem back - and respect - which I through away during this process when I was the one that was betrayed.
> 
> One thing that has really hurt me through this process is that she has shown 0 emotion or remorse for her actions. She was basically in parallel relationships until she said she wanted the marriage to end. So I can see how someone might be keeping everything inside or not feeling anything at all since she is living this fantasy. But after I came in her life, became best friends, became the father to her child, adopted him, and supporter her through everything over the last 5 years - her lack of awareness/logic/respect and everything else I felt was deserved is gone. And I get it, that was gone the moment she cheated on me.
> 
> Sorry for the rambling. I am a great husband, a great dad, a really good hearted person. I am hurting but doing everything I can to make sure our son has an adult in his life right now and doesn't have an even more difficult life than he already has. Thanks, sincerely, for reading this.


She'll pretend to show remorse. When dr fantastic moves on to Mrs. next and your son asks her why she's not living with daddy any more. 

And by then it will be too late and you'll be dating someone new. 

I hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

She is not your friend. Never was, really. But then again, she is no friend to herself or her son, either.

I would recommend counselling for you to help you get your head together.

By the way, how did she meet the doctor? If as a patient, the AMA/BMA or whomever will want to fry his hide.


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## Marc878

It almost sounds like she's a female player.

Damn


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## eastsouth2000

I say go fast with the divorce. 
While she is agreeing to 50/50 custody. As fast as you can while she is still in the fog.

If she ever speaks to an attorney or starts getting her senses in order she will be on the defensive and may cost you alto more.

In these early stages she is quick to end the your marriage. 
And she will most likely agree to any arrangements even if it is to your advantage.

Married Summer of 2015 that just recent, try Annulment instead of divorce.

Please continue to speak with an attorney. and dont tell her about you speaking to attorney.


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## Hardtohandle

I would toe the line and see if this new man will adopt the kid. Sorry but I am a d0uchebag like that.. 

He wants this then let him fvcking have it all.. Let see what balls he has on him.. 

He won't do it.. He will be a fvcking back peddling, stuttering pr!ck.

He will use the excuse of be a man and your duty. Of course you can just simply say I did and now its your turn.. Can you be that man ? 

But again look *Summer 2015* YOU WERE MARRIED ! That is 8 to 9 MONTHS AGO.. That is it ? 

9 months she gives up ? That it ???? 

Look bruin619, you are at ground zero so you cannot see the reality of this. In a few years you will, you will go up to the 20k foot mark above it all and survey it all again and realize how she really never loved you and she is really fvcked up and EVENTUALLY it will happen to this guy hopefully. Hopefully it will happen when she has a few kids with him.

I would do whatever you think you could to cut all ties from this woman and this kid.. Again I am sorry I know I sound evil.. But I am not.. 

You adopted this kid based on the belief you were going to be a family with her for the rest of your lives.. She broke that promise.. You did do the right thing.. Now she should let you undo it.. You have no allegiance or loyalty to her or this kid.. Let this "doctor" do that now.. Let him show his undying love for her..

Trust me having to deal with her and him over this kid will cause you nothing but more heartache. I am telling you no matter what is written in the paper it can be changed later on.. 

Again I know.. I have custody of my kids and my ex-wife pays me child support.. She pays me chump change, where as I would have been raked over the fvcking coals if it was the other way around..

Trust me you did your good deed.. There is no dishonor in undoing it now.. She broke her end of the deal..

Trust me this will not end well for you as long as that child is connected to you.. You will have years of her breaking your balls..


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## MattMatt

Hardtohandle said:


> I would toe the line and see if this new man will adopt the kid. Sorry but I am a d0uchebag like that..
> 
> He wants this then let him fvcking have it all.. Let see what balls he has on him..
> 
> He won't do it.. He will be a fvcking back peddling, stuttering pr!ck.
> 
> He will use the excuse of be a man and your duty. Of course you can just simply say I did and now its your turn.. Can you be that man ?
> 
> But again look *Summer 2015* YOU WERE MARRIED ! That is 8 to 9 MONTHS AGO.. That is it ?
> 
> 9 months she gives up ? That it ????
> 
> Look bruin619, you are at ground zero so you cannot see the reality of this. In a few years you will, you will go up to the 20k foot mark above it all and survey it all again and realize how she really never loved you and she is really fvcked up and EVENTUALLY it will happen to this guy hopefully. Hopefully it will happen when she has a few kids with him.
> 
> I would do whatever you think you could to cut all ties from this woman and this kid.. Again I am sorry I know I sound evil.. But I am not..
> 
> You adopted this kid based on the belief you were going to be a family with her for the rest of your lives.. She broke that promise.. You did do the right thing.. Now she should let you undo it.. You have no allegiance or loyalty to her or this kid.. Let this "doctor" do that now.. Let him show his undying love for her..
> 
> Trust me having to deal with her and him over this kid will cause you nothing but more heartache. I am telling you no matter what is written in the paper it can be changed later on..
> 
> Again I know.. I have custody of my kids and my ex-wife pays me child support.. She pays me chump change, where as I would have been raked over the fvcking coals if it was the other way around..
> 
> Trust me you did your good deed.. There is no dishonor in undoing it now.. She broke her end of the deal..
> 
> Trust me this will not end well for you as long as that child is connected to you.. You will have years of her breaking your balls..


If it feels like dishonour to Bruin, then it would be dishonour.

He ain't gonna throw his son away. And that is *exactly* how it would feel to him.


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## TX-SC

Sorry, but I really think she used you to adopt her kid. You say she truly loved you. I don't think so.


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## bruin619

SunCMars said:


> Some of the replies you will get on this site, TAM, will be brutal. Read all of them. Most are from betrayed spouses BS, especially BH, betrayed husband,,,dats you dude!
> 
> You will come out of this just fine. You are young. You can start over. The doctor of shmuck will dump her promptly, very likely. If he does not, he will cheat on her, too, guaranteed.


Apologies - what is TAM


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## bruin619

Thank you for this note. I really appreciate your kind and candid words.


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## jsmart

Do you really imagine that Dr Douche's family and friends will be ok with him marrying a woman like this? No, this guy is going to just milk it. He'll future fake her. Maybe even buy her a ring or other trinkets but he's not going to marry a cheating divorcee with another man's kid. Spending a few thousand dollars to bang a 25 year old woman, who's probably giving him porn star sex to get him to sign on the dotted line, is a bargain for a 41 year old Dr. 

After a few months, the high he's experiencing from the wanton acts he gets do with such a young thing will slowly be less impressive. Then the fog starts to dissipate and then he's left thinking LOGICALLY. Did I work and study so hard for so many years so I could end up marrying a cheating divorcee with another man's kid just so a few years later she can take half of my assets. Nope.


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## Evinrude58

Absolutely go for 50/50 custody and divorce her ASAP!!!!

Why??
1). While she still feels guilty and is not eager to screw you totally financially.
2). Before the doctor gets rid of her, which NO DOUBT he will eventually do.

How can I be so certain? Because her stupid self told him much of the truth about her whole life. So you think this guy is so stupid that he doesn't see what she is doing to you?
Lol, he knows what she is. She is just too stupid to see what HE is.
I promise you he will not marry your wife. If he does, he's no smarter than the first guy who married her and adopted her son.

You worked hard to get ahead and "neglected" your wife???? Omg, what do you feel were her obligations? Within a few months of marriage, she started cheating on you after allowing her to adopt her son and give her half your stuff.

You are wondering why she has no remorse? It's because she's a lousy person at heart and because she has not had love for you for a long time--- if ever. You were in shock because you loved her and was caught off guard.

She will return when her meal ticket with the doc dries up.

When you take her back; and yes, you WILL take her back, it will be the second dumbest mistake of your life. You're likely a good guy. Do yourself a favor and look at a person's history next time. Even then there's no sure thing.

I recommend keeping up the no contact and moving forward with your life in EVERY aspect of your life. Only then will you have the strength to do the right thing and ignore her when the doc dumps her and she comes back crying. Security will be the only reason she returns. 

Divorce as fast as possible and accept that your wife was not who you thought she was. Acceptance is the hardest part. Please, don't deal with this by being hopeful she will return. SHE won't. The person she really is will. And you don't want that person if you want a person of character.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bruin619

MattMatt said:


> She is not your friend. Never was, really. But then again, she is no friend to herself or her son, either.
> 
> I would recommend counselling for you to help you get your head together.
> 
> By the way, how did she meet the doctor? If as a patient, the AMA/BMA or whomever will want to fry his hide.


Thank you. I have been in counseling for 2 months and it has been very helpful. I wouldn't be at the point I am at today if it wasn't for this. She met the OM when she went out with her girlfriends one night. She is a 10 (looks) and obviously doesn't register on the integrity/emotional/personal side which is clear now. Her looks go to her head, she gets all the attention when she walks in a room, and has other issues she brings with her that makes the perfect storm. The 10 isn't from me (she is remarkably gorgeous... former cheerleader) and without getting into personal things here and given the moving pieces I would like to keep this a bit anonymous but she was a catch - until everything else became clear.


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## Marc878

bruin619 said:


> Apologies - what is TAM


Talk About Marriage - website


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## the guy

I'd be really curious about who was going to be around your kid when you are not.

I would spend the money to look into this and make sure your kid is around someone safe.

Face it your old lady betrayed you dont think for one second she is telling you the full truth about this guy.

You have every right to make sure.....hell you earned the right to make sure your kid is being cared for.


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## Evinrude58

Don't think you are incapable of finding another like her. You will find one that will be just as beautiful to YOU, AND she will likely have some character. One can't be a perfect ten for long without some character to go with it. Without the character, they will get uglier and uglier.

Perfect tens on appearance are rarely perfect tens all around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart

Oh, so this girl is smoking hot. That explains your hesitancy to D her already. It's a mistake to let her beauty blind you. 

Once this Dr tires of abusing her body, he'll move on. She may come back for a short time. Don't take her back because it won't be out of love but just a short resting stop until she can line up the next sucker. 

Once she does get a sucker, you have to prepare yourself for her to challenge the adoption. She'll do it so the new guy and her can live happily ever after without the adopted baby daddy drama.

You will eventually meet a woman that will love you for you. One that will want to have YOUR baby.


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## Maxo

blueinbr said:


> or, She is just a bad person. The above, which I do not understand or care to understand, implies that she has a disease/disorder and therefore is not at fault.


No,she is still responsible for her actions. These disorders do not affect them such that they lack mental capacity. Cluster B's know right from wrong but simply do not give a rat's ass.


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## farsidejunky

Brother, I wish you came here on better terms, but be glad you are here.

That said, the 180 is not for her to "come around", although that is sometimes the unintended consequence. 

That said, some do and some don't, but the intent is important. It is for you to distance yourself so you can heal.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars

Here's the thing. She is a 10, she will be a 9 in 10 years, an 8 in another 10 years. Her character will reduce her to a 6 quickly. 

People like her are Narcissists. They love their own image. It will take a
lot of work and effort to maintain that beauty. 

She did not earn that beauty. Her parents gave it too her. She will not have the "character" to hold onto it. I see lots of pound signs and wrinkles in her image and in her future.

When she looks in the mirror at 50 she will see "Dora Gray"!

Your character will keep your number rating the same. Women your own age will always see you in the higher valuation.


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## Maxo

My XW was quite beautiful( almost as good looking as me:grin2. I am so much happier away from that somatic narcissist.


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## TaDor

@bruin619 : you did a lot of things wrong - most of us *DO*.

But yeah, like others have said - get your list of info, your evidence (screen shots of her phone conversation with the POSOM and or you) discussing the affair, etc.

Then blow it up on Facebook... if you know her sleeping schedule - do it then. Tag her family, her friends. Explain why you are getting a divorce... you owe her nothing. Show the world what a POS she is.

PS: I did this with my WW (Wayward Wife) - it made her look bad, I didn't come out like roses either - but didn't care. But we're still working things out.

WS =Wayward Spouse (Wayward = the cheater)
WH = Wayward Husband.

What you talk about - not finding out you were not talking - it happens to a lot of us. She is in an Affair fog... but its up to you how to deal with it... she may be trading up too. You know, being a hole.


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## TaDor

Oh, here is the complete list of abbreviations-acronyms used here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forum-guidelines/464-common-message-board-abbreviations-acronyms.html


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## bandit.45

Hey Bruin.

I'm sorry you are here man. I just read through this and I have to say that I have little to say, other than follow the advice you have been given. I know it hurts terribly what she has done to you. 

She's a hustler bro. A sociopathic, opportunistic, hedonistic, narcissistic, predatory con artist who targeted you, exploited your good nature and took advantage of it. I personally, do not see where you did ANYTHING wrong in this situation other than love her blindly. She dazzled you with her physical beauty and charmed her way into your wallet. You are not the first man to be suckered by a beautiful predator and you will not be the last. 

You made lots mistakes. You didn't handle a lot of things right. Yes. Okay, so you look back on them objectively, learn from them, and take steps never to make those same mistakes again. Then you let them go. "I let myself get taken advantage of, but now that I know what manipulation looks like I can avoid it in the future." Then forgive yourself. Cut yourself some slack. 

But working hard to establish your career was not a mistake. I doubt very highly that you ignored her for the sake of your job. I think she wants you to think that, but I doubt that was the case. If she was that resentful, then why the hell did she go through with the wedding? Has she answered that question?

As you go forward, you need to get mean...even when you do not want to. The only way you are going to come out of this with as little damage to your personal well being as possible is to take advantage of her "guilt", move quickly through the D process, and get as many friends and family to circle the SUVs around you and muck through it. Do not be afraid to get ugly when you need to. You owe her nothing. In fact I rarely have encountered such a one-sided betrayal such as yours in a long time. 

She can throw out every lame ass excuse she can to try to lay as much of the blame on you as she can. Just deflect it. This isn't the normal case of a wife who has been in a long term marriage hitting a mid-life crisis and slowly detaching from a boring husband. You were targeted and played and manipulated from the very start of your relationship with her and all the way through. 

She was never your friend. Never. She stole all those years from you. Think of that. All those years of emotional and financial investment were for nothing. 

If I were you I would be outraged... to the point of near murderous intent. I would be out for her blood, figuratively. I would not stop until I smeared her reputation to the point where everyone from the mailman to her gynecologist knows what a nasty, conniving piece of work she is. If she is pretty and popular, she can make new friends quickly. 

Beautiful people like to make friends with other beautiful people, so don't feel bad if your actions result in her losing her current bevy of friends. To a narcissist like her, they are easily replaceable. As for her OM? Do not waste your time or energy comparing yourself to him. He's a moron with money. He's an idiot who is allowing himself to be played by her just like you did. I don't think he is as much the antagonist in this as she has made out. He may very well be just another pocketbook for her to roll around in until she has used him for what she wants. 

As for the boy? He is the most innocent victim in all this. If you love him, then fight for joint custody. Be the best dad to him you can be. He needs you now more than ever.


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## TRy

bruin619 said:


> We had a rocky post-marriage. We moved for work, my wife didn't get the job she was expecting, I was extremely focused on work, and I did not meet her emotional needs and the attention she deserved. I know the courtship never ends, and I let my best friend down. She believes she was communicating this to me the best way she knew how but she didn't get through to me. Like many of the stories, it was too late by the time she got through to me. I would like to say in advance of what I am telling you next, this is not an excuse for her actions, its an understanding and acceptance that I became complacent in my relationship.
> 
> We were married in June. In November my wife came home with her ring on her right hand. For the first time ever something was really off and I looked at her phone. I found what no one wants to find: photos of her and another man in her recently deleted photo folder. It turns out she met someone in September and what started as an affair quickly grew into a longer term affair. In November, when she said she was serious about making this relationship work and ending what she did, I took her word for it. But certain things I wanted to see her do she wasn't doing. And while I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, I was right. She continued the affair.


 So you "were married in June", only 3 months later she met a doctor "in September and what started as an affair quickly grew into a longer term affair", and you buy into her claim that the affair was your fault because you were "extremely focused on work, and I did not meet her emotional needs and the attention she deserved" for those 3 months? Are you kidding me?


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## Maxo

I seriously doubt this is her first affair. People like this do not remain faithful for long. Most affairs go undetected, forever. If you found one, there is a strong likliehood there were others.


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## Marduk

She's not a 10.

Take the wife goggles off, man. 

If you think she's a 10, she thinks she's a 10, well... You both are going to think you're the lucky one.

And every time I've heard someone say that -- husband or wife -- once the blinders come off... They're not a 10.


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## bruin619

Maxo said:


> No,she is still responsible for her actions. These disorders do not affect them such that they lack mental capacity. Cluster B's know right from wrong but simply do not give a rat's ass.


Very interesting you say that. Her bridesmaid who is one of her actual friends (real person, long term) is in medical school and recently reached out to her and said she thought she has Histrionic Personality Disorder. WW was devastated and couldn't believe her friend would say such a thing. Her and her friend are no longer talking however her friend summed up many of these issues in that one text to her.

I said bridesmaid I meant to say maid of honor. Her longtime and closest friend. Her maid of honor no longer talks to her.


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## Marduk

bruin619 said:


> Very interesting you say that. Her bridesmaid who is one of her actual friends (real person, long term) is in medical school and recently reached out to her and said she thought she has Histrionic Personality Disorder. WW was devastated and couldn't believe her friend would say such a thing. Her and her friend are no longer talking however her friend summed up many of these issues in that one text to her.
> 
> I said bridesmaid I meant to say maid of honor. Her longtime and closest friend. Her maid of honor no longer talks to her.


Such people can be very sexy and charming, which can also lead you to believe she's a 10.

But they can be very nasty characters without help.

Listen man. You're better off without her. You know that, right?


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## happyman64

> Individuals with Histrionic Personality Disorder may have difficulty achieving emotional intimacy in romantic or sexual relationships. Without being aware of it, they often act out a role (e.g., “victim” or “princess”) in their relationships to others. They may seek to control their partner through emotional manipulation or seductiveness on one level, whereas displaying a marked dependency on them at another level.
> 
> Individuals with this disorder often have impaired relationships with same-sex friends because their sexually provocative interpersonal style may seem a threat to their friends’ relationships. These individuals may also alienate friends with demands for constant attention. They often become depressed and upset when they are not the center of attention.


I think her Maid of Honor will be a great physician someday. 

She nailed your wife's issues in one shot......

Her and her current BF deserve each other.

Keep the kid and ditch her. You will be happier in the long run.

I ditched an Ex like your wife. The woman I married is cute, round and the most confident woman. She also turned out to be the best wife and mother a man could ask for.

Do not settle for a 10. They most often turn into zeros.....

HM


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## bruin619

marduk said:


> Such people can be very sexy and charming, which can also lead you to believe she's a 10.
> 
> But they can be very nasty characters without help.
> 
> Listen man. You're better off without her. You know that, right?


Thanks to many of you here I am beginning to see what is true. But when you get lied to and cheated on and you are the one who really cares it hurts like hell. I am better off today then I was yesterday. I was better off yesterday than the day before. Even though we coordinate on the kid this is the first 36 hours I haven't reached out to her and I feel like I have regained a little of my dignity and integrity. I don't expect this day to come, but it would feel great if she reached out trying to fix this and I had the opportunity to tell her we are done. That would be a gift.


----------



## bandit.45

bruin619 said:


> Thanks to many of you here I am beginning to see what is true. But when you get lied to and cheated on and you are the one who really cares it hurts like hell. I am better off today then I was yesterday. I was better off yesterday than the day before. Even though we coordinate on the kid this is the first 36 hours I haven't reached out to her and I feel like I have regained a little of my dignity and integrity. I don't expect this day to come, but it would feel great if she reached out trying to fix this and I had the opportunity to tell her we are done. That would be a gift.


Don't hold out hope. She is a user. Why the hell would you want someone like this back? 

Oh man you got it bad. She really did a number on you. That vagina of hers must be pure platinum. 

Well, if you were able to attract a looker like her, you will attract another one just a s pretty... and probably fifty times as moral and upstanding. 

But you have to kick this woman off her pedestal man. She doesn't belong there.


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## Marduk

bruin619 said:


> Thanks to many of you here I am beginning to see what is true. But when you get lied to and cheated on and you are the one who really cares it hurts like hell. I am better off today then I was yesterday. I was better off yesterday than the day before. Even though we coordinate on the kid this is the first 36 hours I haven't reached out to her and I feel like I have regained a little of my dignity and integrity. I don't expect this day to come, but it would feel great if she reached out trying to fix this and I had the opportunity to tell her we are done. That would be a gift.


I've been there. Not with kids though. 

It will get better. Let the pain come. Have a buddy to call. Post here. 

A year from now, you will be in a better place. I promise you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame

The kind of selfishness that is characterized by an ease with disposing of people who have suddenly become inconvenient is very common in young adulthood (basically the teenage years). It's standard fare for people this age to move in and out of relationships that were 'true love,' and do it in a cold, brutal way. One day the love and caring are there. The next day it's all shut off and the person is someone 'she used to know.'

When this happens when you are older, it's basically a pathology, in my experience. Her moving on the way she has is not an indicator of anything about you. This is all on her. She has flipped the switch and you are suddenly inconvenient and she wants you in her past.

So, please go full bore on the 180, get the divorce, and restart your life. It is painful, to be sure, but one thing you will find if you read more on places like this - you will get through it and will find yourself much better off in the end. It's part of the experience; get through each day; suffer through & it gets better.

Your WW is as selfish as a teenager. At her age she has no excuse. You've seen how heartless she can be, so this is actually a painful gift to you. You can cut your losses now. Best of luck.

Here's the 180 in case you don't have a copy:

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## bruin619

bandit.45 said:


> Don't hold out hope. She is a user. Why the hell would you want someone like this back?
> 
> Oh man you got it bad. She really did a number on you. That vagina of hers must be pure platinum.
> 
> Well, if you were able to attract a looker like her, you will attract another one just a s pretty... and probably fifty times as moral and upstanding.
> 
> But you have to kick this woman off her pedestal man. She doesn't belong there.


She did a number on me. Which is why I am here. I want to regain my self respect and be a better and different person after what she did to me. She ****ed me up and I have had enough of it.


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## Lostinthought61

Someone who does that to another person they love is ugly regardless of the packaging.


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## bruin619

alte Dame said:


> The kind of selfishness that is characterized by an ease with disposing of people who have suddenly become inconvenient is very common in young adulthood (basically the teenage years). It's standard fare for people this age to move in and out of relationships that were 'true love,' and do it in a cold, brutal way. One day the love and caring are there. The next day it's all shut off and the person is someone 'she used to know.'
> 
> When this happens when you are older, it's basically a pathology, in my experience. Her moving on the way she has is not an indicator of anything about you. This is all on her. She has flipped the switch and you are suddenly inconvenient and she wants you in her past.
> 
> So, please go full bore on the 180, get the divorce, and restart your life. It is painful, to be sure, but one thing you will find if you read more on places like this - you will get through it and will find yourself much better off in the end. It's part of the experience; get through each day; suffer through & it gets better.
> 
> Your WW is as selfish as a teenager. At her age she has no excuse. You've seen how heartless she can be, so this is actually a painful gift to you. You can cut your losses now. Best of luck.
> 
> Here's the 180 in case you don't have a copy:
> 
> The Healing Heart: The 180


Never seen this list. Incredibly helpful to focus on myself (not to sound ignorant) but seeing it all in one place helps.


----------



## bruin619

alte Dame said:


> The kind of selfishness that is characterized by an ease with disposing of people who have suddenly become inconvenient is very common in young adulthood (basically the teenage years). It's standard fare for people this age to move in and out of relationships that were 'true love,' and do it in a cold, brutal way. One day the love and caring are there. The next day it's all shut off and the person is someone 'she used to know.'
> 
> When this happens when you are older, it's basically a pathology, in my experience. Her moving on the way she has is not an indicator of anything about you. This is all on her. She has flipped the switch and you are suddenly inconvenient and she wants you in her past.
> 
> So, please go full bore on the 180, get the divorce, and restart your life. It is painful, to be sure, but one thing you will find if you read more on places like this - you will get through it and will find yourself much better off in the end. It's part of the experience; get through each day; suffer through & it gets better.
> 
> Your WW is as selfish as a teenager. At her age she has no excuse. You've seen how heartless she can be, so this is actually a painful gift to you. You can cut your losses now. Best of luck.
> 
> Here's the 180 in case you don't have a copy:
> 
> The Healing Heart: The 180


Funny you say that because the therapist I have been seeing who also saw her for many years separately said she is stunted emotionally and acts exactly this way unfortunately. Just wish I had started seeing him sooner to get out in front of this.


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## happyman64

Bruin

There is no winning when it comes to infidelity.

But there is healing and happiness if you consciously work at it.

The key is not to wait for her to show remorse or want to fix the marriage.

That rarely happens in a short time frame. Some times it never happens at all.

But the Battered Spouses that succeed and find happiness are the ones that decide to hop on the train with or without their wayward spouse.

They understand the need to focus on themselves and take the time to heal. They excise the wayward spouse of their daily lives. Especially if the wayward spouse is still involved in the affair or lying about it.


Sometimes a wayward spouse begins to come out of the fog. They realize that the battered spouse has had enough and has chosen to move forward in life without them in it.

That is what you need to do. And do it with the realization that your wayward wife might never be remorseful or come back to the marriage.

It will make you stronger than you ever believed to walk away from her infidelity.

Take your time. Make a plan. Set a time limit in your head to walk away from her infidelity.

Then put your plan into motion.

You deserve to be happy. With her or without her.

She just is too selfish to realize that.

So show her.

HM


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## Gooch78

Sorry to hear you are going through this very painful phase in your life. As you said, u need to get your respect and self esteem back. Move on, be Happy in your life, you will find the right person, ur still very young... alot ahead of u. All the best.


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## WasDecimated

bandit.45 said:


> Don't hold out hope. She is a user. Why the hell would you want someone like this back?
> 
> Oh man you got it bad. She really did a number on you. That vagina of hers must be pure platinum.
> 
> Well, if you were able to attract a looker like her, you will attract another one just a s pretty... and probably fifty times as moral and upstanding.
> 
> But you have to kick this woman off her pedestal man. She doesn't belong there.


Ya...what Bandit said! 

I was where you are now...I had it bad too. In retrospect, I thought my XWW was the hottest woman on earth and her V was super-extra-special. I will admit she was a stunner but she was also a cheating, lying, narcissistic B!tch and honestly, all V's are pretty much the same. I had her so high up on a up on a f**king pedestal that I couldn't see any of her faults. It's amazing how much different (worse) she looks to me now that my mind is clear and my thinking is straight. The same thing will happen to you when your eyes are truly open and you get all of this behind you. 

You are still young. You will meet another beautiful woman down the road with an extra-special V...and integrity. Get this sorry excuse for a woman out of your life ASAP. I would go for an annulment since it has only been a matter of months.


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## TAMAT

Decimated,

You wrote, *I was where you are now...I had it bad too. In retrospect, I thought my XWW was the hottest woman on earth and her V was super-extra-special.* 

That's ok, even healthy perhaps, it's how people who are romantically in love feel about their partners. It's not a defect, the defect is that your XWW did not feel the same about you. 

We should not give up our virtues to match the vices of our cheating spouses.

Tamat


----------



## bruin619

I agree with all you are saying. Your feedback (especially candid at that) and real life experiences are greatly appreciated. For those that were betrayed and wanted to move on with their life and get back into it (knowing that you were likely not emotionally ready to meet someone long term) how long before you met someone and started being sexually active again? I am sure this to some extent (though maybe I am wrong) helps in the process of moving forward. She was hot. Sex was amazing and yes so was her V. My biggest issue I seem to be facing heading on is my love was real, I cared more than her, and even though I was played I had so many dreams in life for US that have disappeared because of the terrible things she did. I know I can share that with someone better in the future but it doesn't help in the present. What she did to me was AWFUL. I am trying to use that to get myself even more stirred up and angry to be stronger. But I am still completely shocked. cc @bandit.45 @Decimated


----------



## TRy

bandit.45 said:


> As for the boy? He is the most innocent victim in all this. If you love him, then fight for joint custody. Be the best dad to him you can be. He needs you now more than ever.


 The boy is not biologically the OP's and the OP met the boy when he was 2 years old. I have seen with my friends the reality of what usually happens once there is a divorce in this situtaion. The OP will fight for shared custody and accept child support obligations in return. The OP's ex-wife will have a new man in her life that will play daily daddy to the boy, and even have the Mom require the boy to call the new man "Dad". The new man will have all of the advantages over the OP in winning the boy's heart long term. Over time the boy will be encouraged by Mom and Dad to think of the OP as just someone that lived with them for a few years, and encourage the boy to call the OP by the OP's first name instead of as "Dad" to prevent confusion with the new man. Living as a minor under the roof and control of the new man, the boy will have little real choice in choosing the new man over the OP. Add in that the new man is a smart doctor that makes more than the OP, and it tilts even more away from the OP. Long term, at the end of the day the OP will have little to no real father-son relationship with the boy, and the boy will become nothing more than a bill to pay that takes money away from the OP’s new wife and children (children that could be biologically his).

The cold hard facts are that the wife used the OP to help her raise her child until a better meal ticket showed up. It is time for the OP to move on. He needs to fight alimony and child support. From what I have read about the OP, he is a nice guy that will not take this advice, and be regretting it a few years from now when he cannot buy something that his wife or child need because he mailed the money off to his ex.


----------



## bandit.45

bruin619 said:


> I agree with all you are saying. Your feedback (especially candid at that) and real life experiences are greatly appreciated. For those that were betrayed and wanted to move on with their life and get back into it (knowing that you were likely not emotionally ready to meet someone long term) how long before you met someone and started being sexually active again? I am sure this to some extent (though maybe I am wrong) helps in the process of moving forward. She was hot. Sex was amazing and yes so was her V. My biggest issue I seem to be facing heading on is my love was real, I cared more than her, and even though I was played I had so many dreams in life for US that have disappeared because of the terrible things she did. I know I can share that with someone better in the future but it doesn't help in the present. What she did to me was AWFUL. I am trying to use that to get myself even more stirred up and angry to be stronger. But I am still completely shocked. cc @bandit.45 @Decimated


I don't date anymore. I did for a while, and even fell in love, but it did not work out and now I just don't have the energy or life left in me to invest myself that way again.


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## bruin619

that is really fascinating. I am still in the middle of all of this, but the one thing I don't want what she did to me is effect the way I look at marriage, relateonships, dating and so forth. I have been very successful in my field of work. Even prior to our engagement during my speaking engagements and travel she was constantly worrying that I was going to lie and cheat on her. She wanted everyone to know that I was "hers" and that we were married. I kept to my timeline the best I could and not rush things. We got engaged and there was 12 months between the engagement and marriage. What still amazes me (despite looking back at what I can see were some flags now) is that someone that was so head over heals for me for so many years and shared so many dreams with me could do this so quickly after our wedding ceremony. She truly believes now that her affair partner (who she didn't "set out to meet, it just happened") was the guy she was meant to be with all along. How someone could do this haunts me. With each passing day I care less about the fact that she is with someone else and more concerned with how badly I was played and how cruel someone I thought was my closest friend ended up being. I wake up daily as if it is the movie groundhog day wondering what the **** happened and how I am the one picking up the pieces of what she did. I also find it amazing after 5 years and a relationship built on a real friendship that she has truly convinced herself she is now in love with a new person where she spent zero time processing what she did. But I know I share this story with many others that have dealt with similar issues. But so much of what I have read this happens later in life. Not right after a marriage. Maybe they are meant to be together. And yes, I am spending too much time focused on her, what if, why, how, etc. But I have had to process this to help myself or I feel that I will be delaying my process of moving on.


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## bandit.45

She may be a love addict. 

As soon as the newness and "feel good" hormones of infatuation fall away, she goes out looking for her next fix. That is all you were and that is probably all this new guy is. 

Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor were love addicts. They plowed through men like scythes through wheat. Neither were ever able to stay with one man for long.


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## TRy

bandit.45 said:


> She may be a love addict.
> 
> As soon as the newness and "feel good" hormones of infatuation fall away, she goes out looking for her next fix. That is all you were and that is probably all this new guy is.


:smthumbup:
This is a very good point. Studies show that the "newness" brain drugs fade over time and are gone after approximate 7 years. This match up with the 7 year itch, and with the OP's situation where after 5 years it is mostly gone.


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## ArmyofJuan

This isn't going to end well for her, nothing kills an affair faster than making it a "real" relationship and when it finally occurs to them who they are with (she; someone that will cheat on a husband, him; someone who would sleep with a married woman) it starts to dispel the delusion that they are with their "soul mate". She'll end up regretting what she is doing once the dust settles.

It looks like you just got a bad apple but the good news is that they can always be replaced. There's a never ending supply of women out there and you'll find one that will make you wonder what you ever saw in your STBX.


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## Divinely Favored

Is the maid of honor hitched? She sounds like she has morals.


----------



## bankshot1993

TRy said:


> The boy is not biologically the OP's and the OP met the boy when he was 2 years old. I have seen with my friends the reality of what usually happens once there is a divorce in this situtaion. The OP will fight for shared custody and accept child support obligations in return. The OP's ex-wife will have a new man in her life that will play daily daddy to the boy, and even have the Mom require the boy to call the new man "Dad". The new man will have all of the advantages over the OP in winning the boy's heart long term. Over time the boy will be encouraged by Mom and Dad to think of the OP as just someone that lived with them for a few years, and encourage the boy to call the OP by the OP's first name instead of as "Dad" to prevent confusion with the new man. Living as a minor under the roof and control of the new man, the boy will have little real choice in choosing the new man over the OP. Add in that the new man is a smart doctor that makes more than the OP, and it tilts even more away from the OP. Long term, at the end of the day the OP will have little to no real father-son relationship with the boy, and the boy will become nothing more than a bill to pay that takes money away from the OP’s new wife and children (children that could be biologically his).
> 
> The cold hard facts are that the wife used the OP to help her raise her child until a better meal ticket showed up. It is time for the OP to move on. He needs to fight alimony and child support. From what I have read about the OP, he is a nice guy that will not take this advice, and be regretting it a few years from now when he cannot buy something that his wife or child need because he mailed the money off to his ex.


God knows it makes me sick to say it but I couldn't agree more. Doctors enjoy a celebrity status in our culture and all little girls are encouraged to grow up and marry a doctor. The OP's wife saw her chance to trade up and she jumped at it. 

Like you said, she found a better meal ticket.


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## Evinrude58

That this doctor is going to marry this **** with a two- year old is laughable.
If he does, she will be gone before the prenup runs out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk

Write "I have had enough" on a stickie note and stick it on your bathroom mirror. 

Let that be your mantra. Enough. 

Fuel your drive. Eat right, sleep, exercise. Be a good dad. Spend time with your buddies. Try to put a smile on your face. 

When I was going through it I pounded the weights and was in the dojo 5 times a week. 

Let yourself get angry. It's part of the process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58

Yes. Been right where you are. I write down on a piece of cardboard the awful things I found in twitter that my wife had written. I put it on my mirror to remember what a scumbag she was.

We all felt just like you. It felt like a nightmare waking up to just like you. You will get over it, and you will be astounded at how eager women are to date you.
If I had to suggest a time, I'd give it a year before I dated. Or you may go through a binge similar to what I did that you may be ashamed of. 
My ex told me things and I saw things she wrote that crushed my self esteem. The female attn helped with that, but that's no way to be. 
I wish I had waited a lot longer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sparrow555

Started reading the first post.



> Not before long, we realized what we were looking for was right in front of us


My mind immediately formed an opinion(on how this is going to end) after reading this writing style and the thread title ? Anyone else in the same boat ?


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## sparrow555

> Could I reconcile with her? Sure, if she showed me concrete changes and how we could use what happened to make our relationship stronger and affair proof in the future.



:slap::banghead::banghead::banghead:


Edit: You caught up pretty well by the end of the thread. keep up the good work.


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## Maxo

bankshot1993 said:


> God knows it makes me sick to say it but I couldn't agree more. Doctors enjoy a celebrity status in our culture and all little girls are encouraged to grow up and marry a doctor. The OP's wife saw her chance to trade up and she jumped at it.
> 
> Like you said, she found a better meal ticket.


Hypergamy. Men have it in some form,too,usually involving youth and looks vs power,status and money as the draw for women.


----------



## WasDecimated

bruin619 said:


> I agree with all you are saying. Your feedback (especially candid at that) and real life experiences are greatly appreciated. For those that were betrayed and wanted to move on with their life and get back into it (knowing that you were likely not emotionally ready to meet someone long term) how long before you met someone and started being sexually active again? I am sure this to some extent (though maybe I am wrong) helps in the process of moving forward. She was hot. Sex was amazing and yes so was her V. My biggest issue I seem to be facing heading on is my love was real, I cared more than her, and even though I was played I had so many dreams in life for US that have disappeared because of the terrible things she did. I know I can share that with someone better in the future but it doesn't help in the present. What she did to me was AWFUL. I am trying to use that to get myself even more stirred up and angry to be stronger. But I am still completely shocked. cc @bandit.45 @Decimated


It's been over 3 years since my divorce was final and I still don't have much interest in anything new and consequently, haven't indulged myself with any strange. I don't know if it's healthy or not but that's where I am. Do I miss sex...Hell yes I do. Everyone processes this kind of destruction at a different pace. Before I get involved with anyone new I need to make sure I don't have any emotional baggage. Damaged people attract damaged people just like healthy people attract healthy people. I would rather be one of the latter. Relationships take a lot of time and energy and I'm not sure if I want to invest in a new one yet. I'm too busy being selfish for the first time in many years, and i'm enjoying it.

My XWW was hot too, think Eva Longoria. Really, they could be sisters. I thought the sex was great with her as well but in thinking back without my love goggles on, she was one of the laziest lovers I ever had and incidentally, never returned a favor...if you KWIM. The passion was all in my mind. I think part of the way you feel about her is brought on and amplified by the cold rejection. In retrospect, I think this was part of my problem and it made letting her go more difficult. This type of rejection breeds major insecurity. You start to become more co-dependent and doubt yourself...not healthy. Your love for her may have been real but now you know what she was thinking. I was married for 16 years...talk about dreams destroyed. 

My XWW also had a two year old son when I met her. She asked me to adapt him when he was about 8 years old. Of course I agreed. I raised him like my own son and he considers me his father. He was 18 at the time we divorced. If she would have started cheating within a year of us being married, I probably would have dumped them both because the bond between me and her son was still immature. The fact that your wife started cheating so soon after you adapted her son would have be believing that it was just a sham.

Here's an exercise for you Bruin619. Make a list of everything nasty thing that she said to you while she was sneaking around behind your back, all of the blame shifting that she did. Write down every time she lied to you and deceived you. List where you were and what you were doing when she was with Dr. POS. Were you at home with your adapted son? Were you at work earning money to make a better life for her and her son? Right now you should be angry. I found that the anger made me strong and it made my balls grew back real fast. You need to get to this place. 

She has shown you who she really is...believe her.


----------



## bruin619

Divinely Favored said:


> Is the maid of honor hitched? She sounds like she has morals.


maid of honor is in a long term relationship. Not engaged, but has her head on straight and is focused on finishing nursing school before they take their relationship up a notch. significant other a stand up guy.


----------



## bruin619

Decimated said:


> It's been over 3 years since my divorce was final and I still don't have much interest in anything new and consequently, haven't indulged myself with any strange. I don't know if it's healthy or not but that's where I am. Do I miss sex...Hell yes I do. Everyone processes this kind of destruction at a different pace. Before I get involved with anyone new I need to make sure I don't have any emotional baggage. Damaged people attract damaged people just like healthy people attract healthy people. I would rather be one of the latter. Relationships take a lot of time and energy and I'm not sure if I want to invest in a new one yet. I'm too busy being selfish for the first time in many years, and i'm enjoying it.
> 
> My XWW was hot too, think Eva Longoria. Really, they could be sisters. I thought the sex was great with her as well but in thinking back without my love goggles on, she was one of the laziest lovers I ever had and incidentally, never returned a favor...if you KWIM. The passion was all in my mind. I think part of the way you feel about her is brought on and amplified by the cold rejection. In retrospect, I think this was part of my problem and it made letting her go more difficult. This type of rejection breeds major insecurity. You start to become more co-dependent and doubt yourself...not healthy. Your love for her may have been real but now you know what she was thinking. I was married for 16 years...talk about dreams destroyed.
> 
> My XWW also had a two year old son when I met her. She asked me to adapt him when he was about 8 years old. Of course I agreed. I raised him like my own son and he considers me his father. He was 18 at the time we divorced. If she would have started cheating within a year of us being married, I probably would have dumped them both because the bond between me and her son was still immature. The fact that your wife started cheating so soon after you adapted her son would have be believing that it was just a sham.
> 
> Here's an exercise for you Bruin619. Make a list of everything nasty thing that she said to you while she was sneaking around behind your back, all of the blame shifting that she did. Write down every time she lied to you and deceived you. List where you were and what you were doing when she was with Dr. POS. Were you at home with your adapted son? Were you at work earning money to make a better life for her and her son? Right now you should be angry. I found that the anger made me strong and it made my balls grew back real fast. You need to get to this place.
> 
> She has shown you who she really is...believe her.


Thank you for sharing this with me. I really appreciate it. One of my sons first words around 24 months was "dad" to me. He now has my middle and last name. He stole my heart 5 years ago and turns 7 in July. When it comes to him I won't be going anywhere. He already has had a difficult life and one of the many things I intend to see through is the commitment I made to him.


----------



## Maxo

Decimated said:


> It's been over 3 years since my divorce was final and I still don't have much interest in anything new and consequently, haven't indulged myself with any strange. I don't know if it's healthy or not but that's where I am. Do I miss sex...Hell yes I do. Everyone processes this kind of destruction at a different pace. Before I get involved with anyone new I need to make sure I don't have any emotional baggage. Damaged people attract damaged people just like healthy people attract healthy people. I would rather be one of the latter. Relationships take a lot of time and energy and I'm not sure if I want to invest in a new one yet. I'm too busy being selfish for the first time in many years, and i'm enjoying it.
> 
> My XWW was hot too, think Eva Longoria. Really, they could be sisters. I thought the sex was great with her as well but in thinking back without my love goggles on, she was one of the laziest lovers I ever had and incidentally, never returned a favor...if you KWIM. The passion was all in my mind. I think part of the way you feel about her is brought on and amplified by the cold rejection. In retrospect, I think this was part of my problem and it made letting her go more difficult. This type of rejection breeds major insecurity. You start to become more co-dependent and doubt yourself...not healthy. Your love for her may have been real but now you know what she was thinking. I was married for 16 years...talk about dreams destroyed.
> 
> My XWW also had a two year old son when I met her. She asked me to adapt him when he was about 8 years old. Of course I agreed. I raised him like my own son and he considers me his father. He was 18 at the time we divorced. If she would have started cheating within a year of us being married, I probably would have dumped them both because the bond between me and her son was still immature. The fact that your wife started cheating so soon after you adapted her son would have be believing that it was just a sham.
> 
> Here's an exercise for you Bruin619. Make a list of everything nasty thing that she said to you while she was sneaking around behind your back, all of the blame shifting that she did. Write down every time she lied to you and deceived you. List where you were and what you were doing when she was with Dr. POS. Were you at home with your adapted son? Were you at work earning money to make a better life for her and her son? Right now you should be angry. I found that the anger made me strong and it made my balls grew back real fast. You need to get to this place.
> 
> She has shown you who she really is...believe her.


I wish I could triple like this. It contains excellent analysis and advice. It mirrors my situation.


----------



## bruin619

Small win... when you are taking this day by day. I stopped being a needy little [email protected]#$% 48 hours ago. First 48 hours in 5 years I have not spoken with her. Minus what is already planned with me and my son this week which there should be nothing to talk about between now and then... I have slowly started to regain myself from this mess.


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## Maxo

:frown2:


bruin619 said:


> Thank you for sharing this with me. I really appreciate it. One of my sons first words around 24 months was "dad" to me. He now has my middle and last name. He stole my heart 5 years ago and turns 7 in July. When it comes to him I won't be going anywhere. He already has had a difficult life and one of the many things I intend to see through is the commitment I made to him.


Good. You are a quality human being. Never abandon your kids.
Your wife is disordered. You will provide a safe port for him to get relief from her.


----------



## Maxo

bruin619 said:


> Small win... when you are taking this day by day. I stopped being a needy little [email protected]#$% 48 hours ago. First 48 hours in 5 years I have not spoken with her. Minus what is already planned with me and my son this week which there should be nothing to talk about between now and then... I have slowly started to regain myself from this mess.


This may bug the crap out of her. Google "hoovering" as it relates to Clusre B' s.


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## bandit.45

bruin619 said:


> Small win... when you are taking this day by day. I stopped being a needy little [email protected]#$% 48 hours ago. First 48 hours in 5 years I have not spoken with her. Minus what is already planned with me and my son this week which there should be nothing to talk about between now and then... I have slowly started to regain myself from this mess.


Keep moving, keep breathing, keep believing in yourself. Every day. 

You will come out of this a wiser, stronger, more mature and better man.


----------



## Maxo

Cheerleader at one point? I would bet that the incidence of NPD is higher among them. No citations,sorry. Just intuition.


----------



## Imnobodynew

bruin619 said:


> Thank you for sharing this with me. I really appreciate it. One of my sons first words around 24 months was "dad" to me. He now has my middle and last name. He stole my heart 5 years ago and turns 7 in July. When it comes to him I won't be going anywhere. He already has had a difficult life and one of the many things I intend to see through is the commitment I made to him.


I am reading through your thread here on TAM. You have joined in IMHO the hall of positive BS HEROES. I will mark this thread and refer back to it in the future. While we cannot see you in real life, and you might be going through valleys and mountains. Remember your attitude here. Live it, breathe it, doesn't matter what anyone does really. In the end it just matters how you grow from all this. 

Someday your son will look at you and say thank you for being my dad, my adult ally, part of my hope. I came from a home where both my mom and dad were terrible and left us (my brother and I) in our teens. It wasn't pretty, but with the Lord's help, I was able to hold it together. My brother is happily married and doing well for himself with a beach condo on the frisco bay  I say this because this post is the right attitude. Props to you. 

When you are on the down swing. Know you can come here. Get good advice and a few jerks and bad advice all mixed in, but advice never the less. And much like the person your wife has/ is/ seems to be growing into ...like bad advice you can take or leave it.

Personally? Bad advice? Id leave it. Right? Wonder what that says about your wife


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## tech-novelist

Maxo said:


> Cheerleader at one point? I would bet that the incidence of NPD is higher among them. No citations,sorry. Just intuition.


Hot women can get away with a lot, so they don't have to grow up and often don't.

Until they are not that hot anymore, and then they don't know what to do...


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## bruin619

Maxo said:


> This may bug the crap out of her. Google "hoovering" as it relates to Clusre B' s.


It always amazes me as much as I have read, taken in and become a sponge for online through this process the new terms I still learn. I have never heard of this. I spent 4 months working with her (not really looking back on it) but believing things were going to be different and working through things with her. I will thank her - because it was HER this month that actually said "I can't be with you anymore. I don't want to look back wondering what might have been with my affair partner." Which of course stunned me. Why am I thanking her (not to her face of course) because I don't know how long I would have gone on if it wasn't for her finally making a choice. Something I had to accept when I was to weak to walk away to begin with. Which i know I should have done. But yes - we have ironed out that I failed miserable in my initial response to all of this. With that said, this is the first 48 hours I have no initiated any contact whatsoever. On easter, she asked me about someone I went out to dinner with. She demanded her last name - she told me it was ONLY FAIR that I tell her this persons last name because I know the last name of the man she was having an affair with. I refused to give her this womans last name and told her there is a difference between me going to dinner and her having an affair. What I found so interesting was that she completely lost her **** when she knew I went to dinner with someone. She said she wanted to look into her and it just wasn't fair. (Yes... I let a photo of this beautiful girl slip on my phone. I want her to see that she's not the only pretty girl out there)


----------



## Maxo

tech-novelist said:


> Hot women can get away with a lot, so they don't have to grow up and often don't.
> 
> 
> Until they are not that hot anymore, and then they don't know what to do...


I see this time and again.


----------



## bruin619

Imnobodynew said:


> I am reading through your thread here on TAM. You have joined in IMHO the hall of positive BS HEROES. I will mark this thread and refer back to it in the future. While we cannot see you in real life, and you might be going through valleys and mountains. Remember your attitude here. Live it, breathe it, doesn't matter what anyone does really. In the end it just matters how you grow from all this.
> 
> Someday your son will look at you and say thank you for being my dad, my adult ally, part of my hope. I came from a home where both my mom and dad were terrible and left us (my brother and I) in our teens. It wasn't pretty, but with the Lord's help, I was able to hold it together. My brother is happily married and doing well for himself with a beach condo on the frisco bay  I say this because this post is the right attitude. Props to you.
> 
> When you are on the down swing. Know you can come here. Get good advice and a few jerks and bad advice all mixed in, but advice never the less. And much like the person your wife has/ is/ seems to be growing into ...like bad advice you can take or leave it.
> 
> Personally? Bad advice? Id leave it. Right? Wonder what that says about your wife


This is an incredibly sweet post. Thank you. I looked from afar for a while on this forum and decided ultimately I wanted to be part of this community in hopes maybe just maybe in addition to my son I can help one other person down the line from this process. I don't think I really understood how much YOU ALL would end up helping me. I have really great friends and family, and I have started sharing the story with many of the closest ones I trust, however due to my work position I can't jump all in on this right now. I have to take it day by day and share with who I can and slowly but surely my friends will also begin to have a better understand of what is going on. With that said, my closest support network is now all aware and there for me. Thank you for sharing your story and words with me. It inspires and helps me. Before I learned I was being cheated on I had a colleague come up to me and say: Thank you for what you have done for your son and for being there in his life. I grew up without a dad and I didn't have a step dad like you. He might not be able to thank you right now, but I want to do that for him. - "" That moment also changed my life. You post is another one that moved me another inch.


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## bruin619

I want to share this with all of you - I love a ton of music, especially country. Tim McGraw has a new song out - the music video is also worth a watch. I heard it for the first time on Monday - and I listened and watched it over and over and promised myself I wouldn't live a bitter life and would be exactly what the song is called: Humble and Kind. I want to share this with you and hope at least one person out there finds it as touching and helpful as I did. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awzNHuGqoMc


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## Imnobodynew

bruin619 said:


> On easter, she asked me about someone I went out to dinner with. She demanded her last name - she told me it was ONLY FAIR that I tell her this persons last name because I know the last name of the man she was having an affair with. I refused to give her this womans last name and told her there is a difference between me going to dinner and her having an affair. What I found so interesting was that she completely lost her **** when she knew I went to dinner with someone. She said she wanted to look into her and it just wasn't fair. (Yes... I let a photo of this beautiful girl slip on my phone. I want her to see that she's not the only pretty girl out there)


ROFL ... 

"Smile and wave boys"  Feels good doesn't it? Just make sure you do not dissolve to her level. NO manipulation, coercion, emotional attacks etc.. Just let it go and heal. Your on track, don't let these things sabotage you. Every time you do it will sabotage your own growth. 
What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Not really, ever see kids playing on a playground and then they start hitting each other.. and you ask what happened.. and the kids say "i'm just hitting em back" don't let yourself fall into trap. Just my two cents...


----------



## bruin619

Imnobodynew said:


> ROFL ...
> 
> "Smile and wave boys"  Feels good doesn't it? Just make sure you do not dissolve to her level. NO manipulation, coercion, emotional attacks etc.. Just let it go and heal. Your on track, don't let these things sabotage you. Every time you do it will sabotage your own growth.
> What is good for the goose is good for the gander. Not really, ever see kids playing on a playground and then they start hitting each other.. and you ask what happened.. and the kids say "i'm just hitting em back" don't let yourself fall into trap. Just my two cents...


totally agree with you. just did it once. it felt good for my self esteem. and also proved what i figured was true. to her its all a game. had I walked away when I first learned she probably was still so new to the affair she may have cut it off and worked on the marriage (even if not for long) but I didn't respond the way I should and let her do what she did even more. Was a self esteem boost to know she didn't like the fact that I will be with new people when the seperation is finalized. Like I am her property or something. Not anymore.


----------



## Maxo

bruin619 said:


> It always amazes me as much as I have read, taken in and become a sponge for online through this process the new terms I still learn. I have never heard of this. I spent 4 months working with her (not really looking back on it) but believing things were going to be different and working through things with her. I will thank her - because it was HER this month that actually said "I can't be with you anymore. I don't want to look back wondering what might have been with my affair partner." Which of course stunned me. Why am I thanking her (not to her face of course) because I don't know how long I would have gone on if it wasn't for her finally making a choice. Something I had to accept when I was to weak to walk away to begin with. Which i know I should have done. But yes - we have ironed out that I failed miserable in my initial response to all of this. With that said, this is the first 48 hours I have no initiated any contact whatsoever. On easter, she asked me about someone I went out to dinner with. She demanded her last name - she told me it was ONLY FAIR that I tell her this persons last name because I know the last name of the man she was having an affair with. I refused to give her this womans last name and told her there is a difference between me going to dinner and her having an affair. What I found so interesting was that she completely lost her **** when she knew I went to dinner with someone. She said she wanted to look into her and it just wasn't fair. (Yes... I let a photo of this beautiful girl slip on my phone. I want her to see that she's not the only pretty girl out there)


Two things: First ,many of us felt an unconcious sense of relief upon discovering the cheating. This is due to a couple factors, IMHO. You realize you were not losing your mind and your suspicions were accurate and justified. Second, on some level,you were living with the ever present ambient abuse of a narcissist. This type of abuse is hard to define and even harder to explain to outsiders. It consists of small but consistent signs of disdain and contempt,which insidiously erode you confidence and self respect. 
These subtler forms of abuse may be accompanied by periodic raging or the " silent treatment ( the pssive form of raging.
But, you stay,walk on eggshells and tolerate it because you do not recognize it as abuse and you question if you are over sensitive or perceiving it accurately( despite the fact that you never felt this way in past relationships or cuurent friendhips with others.
So, now you have a brightline abusive behavior,one that most counselors consider to be among the most egregious forms of abuse: infidelity.
This is your chance to finally get out. Others will understand this vs trying to explain that you are exiting due to amorphous,ambient abuse.
So, on some level,you feel relief,along with pain and anger.
Your wife( and I do not mean to in any way dimi ish the trauma and pain) has bestowed a gift on you. This is going to get you out and away from abuse.
Second thing,her reaction to your diiner with the new woman is not unexpected. It is a narcissistic injury to her,such that,assuming she is halfway bright,she cannot even see the irony and hypocrisy of her response.
Maybe she is just too dumb to see it. But,it may be that the narcissistic injury,her ego having to deal with the fact that she is replaceable, has blinded her to the hypocrisy such that she is not embarrassed by it.
One final thing that another poster mentioned: almost invariably, the betrayed spouse has an inflated view of the cheater's physical attractiveness.
I mentioned this to another guy who was proclaimig his wife was supr hot. I read a book by a woman PI from Austrailia who specialized in investigating suspicion of infidelity.
As part of her initial interview with her client she would ask for a physical description of the cheater. Invariably the cheater would be described as very attractive.
Then,she would ask the client to bring in a photo of the cheater.she would be dumbfounded by what she saw and the difference in the description vs reality.
She hypothesized that betrayed spouse had been so traumatized that their confidence and self esteem was so low that it elevated their assessment re the cheater.
Absent wealth,high status or power in the man,it is highly unlikely that a man outkicks his coverage as regards marrying a more physically attractive wife. Generally,again abset the$$ and power etc.,the man is thepartner' s equal in the attractiveness realm.


----------



## tech-novelist

Maxo said:


> Absent wealth, high status or power in the man, it is highly unlikely that a man outkicks his coverage as regards marrying a more physically attractive wife. Generally, again absent the$$ and power etc.,the man is the partner' s equal in the attractiveness realm.


My wife is a lot more attractive than I am. But I was fortunate to have had a situational alpha frame when we met (without knowing anything about that), which explains a lot.

Note: she hasn't cheated on me, nor do I expect her to.


----------



## Maxo

tech-novelist said:


> My wife is a lot more attractive than I am. But I was fortunate to have had a situational alpha frame when we met (without knowing anything about that), which explains a lot.


I should have qualified that: not all women are hypergamous. But cheating ones,generally are.


----------



## tech-novelist

Maxo said:


> I should have qualified that: not all women are hypergamus. But cheating ones,generally are.


Actually I think that all women *are *hypergamous. But some of them know when they have a good thing going. >


----------



## bruin619

Maxo said:


> Two things: First ,many of us felt an unconcious sense of relief upon discovering the cheating. This is due to a couple factors, IMHO. You realize you were not losing your mind and your suspicions were accurate and justified. Second, on some level,you were living with the ever present ambient abuse of a narcissist. This type of abuse is hard to define and even harder to explain to outsiders. It consists of small but consistent signs of disdain and contempt,which insidiously erode you confidence and self respect.
> These subtler forms of abuse may be accompanied by periodic raging or the " silent treatment ( the pssive form of raging.
> But, you stay,walk on eggshells and tolerate it because you do not recognize it as abuse and you question if you are over sensitive or perceiving it accurately( despite the fact that you never felt this way in past relationships or cuurent friendhips with others.
> So, now you have a brightline abusive behavior,one that most counselors consider to be among the most egregious forms of abuse: infidelity.
> This is your chance to finally get out. Others will understand this vs trying to explain that you are exiting due to amorphous,ambient abuse.
> So, on some level,you feel relief,along with pain and anger.
> Your wife( and I do not mean to in any way dimi ish the trauma and pain) has bestowed a gift on you. This is going to get you out and away from abuse.
> Second thing,her reaction to your diiner with the new woman is not unexpected. It is a narcissistic injury to her,such that,assuming she is halfway bright,she cannot even see the irony and hypocrisy of her response.
> Maybe she is just too dumb to see it. But,it may be that the narcissistic injury,her ego having to deal with the fact that she is replaceable, has blinded her to the hypocrisy such that she is not embarrassed by it.
> One final thing that another poster mentioned: almost invariably, the betrayed spouse has an inflated view of the cheater's physical attractiveness.
> I mentioned this to another guy who was proclaimig his wife was supr hot. I read a book by a woman PI from Austrailia who specialized in investigating suspicion of infidelity.
> As part of her initial interview with her client she would ask for a physical description of the cheater. Invariably the cheater would be described as very attractive.
> Then,she would ask the client to bring in a photo of the cheater.she would be dumbfounded by what she saw and the difference in the description vs reality.
> She hypothesized that betrayed spouse had been so traumatized that their confidence and self esteem was so low that it elevated their assessment re the cheater.
> Absent wealth,high status or power in the man,it is highly unlikely that a man outkicks his coverage as regards marrying a more physically attractive wife. Generally,again abset the$$ and power etc.,the man is thepartner' s equal in the attractiveness realm.


Very helpful. I will say, in my field, i have hit close to a ceiling in regards to positions available. I am often told "my name precedes me." I was often asked what I did to catch such a gorgeous woman. In reality, I am been very successful in my life and hit milestones most people won't hit for another 10-20 years in my position. She was often on edge that so many young women were excited to meet me and that people would talk more about ME than HER in conversations with her. In regards to the AP/OM - while he might be a "doctor" and "high value" in her eyes, I am light years more successful and accomplished in my life. I think she continued to grow more and more frustrated with my continued success rather than seeing what it was: good for our family, good for our son, helpful to us as a whole. But given what we are looking at now, none of this is a surprise. I am not full of myself and I am one of the most humble individuals out there. Much of which comes from my family and rooted in my real world and life experiences. I only share this information as an example of the trading up versus trading down. My friends that I have shared the recent news with have greeted me with "she was way out of her league, in the sense that she shouldn't have had a chance with you" and "we liked her... for you. not because we liked her. we were happy that you were happy" I didn't realize how many of my friends and family didn't like her until this happened. Then the truth started to come out.


----------



## Imnobodynew

I agree. But everybody's definition of beauty is different. Shrug In my more youthful days I've been involved with women who people have described as models. My mother returned after 9 years of absence.... and she said " TO what happened?" I was like what do you mean? It was so out of the blue. She said " Your wife, I expected more from you, your girls were all so modeley looking, very pretty, she's not that pretty"... I almost smacked her. This women she called not pretty, helped me raise her son, Stood by me when I was in wheelchair for 5 years (my mom came 9 years latter), and three years after our marriage. Never cheated, never lied, always there. And she said she wasn't that pretty. WTH? No. I would choose her ( a woman) again, and again, and again, over a hot model who is a cheating, lying, nasty ethic, no moral, weak willed, lame brained, "girl" with pretty face.
Again just my two cents... We are still married, dated only 3 months. Not saying it was all roses. Not saying we didn't have our own ups and downs and r or almost divorces... Just saying we are still married because we both choose to be of substance. BTW I married up


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## joannacroc

So sorry you find yourself here. First of all, as someone whose son has a biological dad who barely shows up (literally or figuratively), know how wonderful it is that you are there for your son. He IS your son, whatever your wife's intentions may or may not have been, and is a blameless victim in all of this. I'm glad to hear you're planning on focusing on him. Believe it or not, having a kid makes some of this being-cheated-on-and-having-your-heart-and-trust-broken a little easier to focus through, because you have someone depending on you, and can't afford to go to pieces. 

Hang in there. It gets a little less painful every day. 1 year and 3-ish months after separation, I genuinely feel nothing for my ex-husband, except disappointed and sad on behalf of my son due to his half-assed parenting. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it DOES get better.

In a way, coping with this will be an exercise in memory. Every time your mind is tempted to make an excuse for her, stop yourself, and remember she torpoedoed your marriage and your son's childhood because she wanted to get some. That is the kind of person she is. Remember what you have noticed, remind yourself how she has shown NO remorse. 

180 is tremendously helpful, and something I believe the other posters here have sent you info on. Focus on exercise and try to eat a healthy meal, even when you don't feel like it. Your mind and body have been dealt a hell of a blow. If you're going to be there for your son, your body needs help to function properly. Exercise will help you sleep through the nights, when nothing else will. Don't be ashamed to reach out to friends, not just to dish on what happened, but to check in when you're down. They are your friends and I'm sure u would return the favor if the situation were reversed. Try something new with your son. Shape new memories for the two of you and spend as much time with him as possible, he's going to have questions. But most of all, he needs to know for certain and feel that no matter how scary this feels now to you both, that he has you to count on. You're a good Dad and a decent person, who deserves good things. Remind yourself of this every day if you need to.


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## Maxo

bruin619 said:


> Very helpful. I will say, in my field, i have hit close to a ceiling in regards to positions available. I am often told "my name precedes me." I was often asked what I did to catch such a gorgeous woman. In reality, I am been very successful in my life and hit milestones most people won't hit for another 10-20 years in my position. She was often on edge that so many young women were excited to meet me and that people would talk more about ME than HER in conversations with her. In regards to the AP/OM - while he might be a "doctor" and "high value" in her eyes, I am light years more successful and accomplished in my life. I think she continued to grow more and more frustrated with my continued success rather than seeing what it was: good for our family, good for our son, helpful to us as a whole. But given what we are looking at now, none of this is a surprise. I am not full of myself and I am one of the most humble individuals out there. Much of which comes from my family and rooted in my real world and life experiences. I only share this information as an example of the trading up versus trading down. My friends that I have shared the recent news with have greeted me with "she was way out of her league, in the sense that she shouldn't have had a chance with you" and "we liked her... for you. not because we liked her. we were happy that you were happy" I didn't realize how many of my friends and family didn't like her until this happened. Then the truth started to come out.


Same here.so,perhaps vs trading up,she was,in fact,projecting her own proclivities ont you,thinking that because she,herself,would act upon the opportunities,you were likely to do so.
Hence,the preemptive cheating on you.
After my XW's affair was disclosed,I too had many people coming forward with lo g held unfavorable impressions of her which they had resisted expressing out of respect for me.
Others see what they are like because they are not influenced by love and attachment.
Members of my XW's family ,actually,did this as well as mutual friends.


----------



## sparrow555

48 hours is nothing.. That it took you this much effort should also mean something.

Does she work?


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## sparrow555

bruin619 said:


> Very helpful. I will say, in my field, i have hit close to a ceiling in regards to positions available. I am often told "my name precedes me." I was often asked what I did to catch such a gorgeous woman. In reality, I am been very successful in my life and hit milestones most people won't hit for another 10-20 years in my position. She was often on edge that so many young women were excited to meet me and that people would talk more about ME than HER in conversations with her. In regards to the AP/OM - while he might be a "doctor" and "high value" in her eyes, I am light years more successful and accomplished in my life. I think she continued to grow more and more frustrated with my continued success rather than seeing what it was: good for our family, good for our son, helpful to us as a whole. But given what we are looking at now, none of this is a surprise. I am not full of myself and I am one of the most humble individuals out there. Much of which comes from my family and rooted in my real world and life experiences. I only share this information as an example of the trading up versus trading down. My friends that I have shared the recent news with have greeted me with "she was way out of her league, in the sense that she shouldn't have had a chance with you" and "we liked her... for you. not because we liked her. we were happy that you were happy" I didn't realize how many of my friends and family didn't like her until this happened. Then the truth started to come out.




So. you were blind to her faults when you were in love ? Or you did notice but thought she would never do the same things to you?

She cheated on you 3 months into the marriage?


----------



## sapientia

sparrow555 said:


> She cheated on you 3 months into the marriage?


This was my first thought as well. Then I read she was a single mom with a young child the OP accepted as his own.

Bruin - you are a standup guy. Hardworking, stable, loyal, loving.

Some people like your ex are just wired stupid and selfish. I'm sorry this happened to you. 180 works. You are better off without her. Life is too short for grubbing in the dirt when you should be flying in the bright sky.

Be prepared, however, to possibly lose that child at some point when she hooks up with someone else. This happened to my H before he met me. His ex cheated also except he found out before he married her. His relationship with the child dissolved and he was heartbroken for a long time. More about the kid than the woman, who is a hot mess to this day.

EDIT - I see you have adopted the child. Nevermind, my above comments, except you are a saint, IMO.

The doctor is a loser too, so no comparison there. Anyone who would cheat with a married person has no self-respect.

Find peace and be well. Life does get better from here.


----------



## sparrow555

sapientia said:


> This was my first thought as well. Then I read she was a single mom with a young child the OP accepted as his own.
> 
> Bruin - you are a standup guy. Hardworking, stable, loyal, loving.
> 
> Some people like your ex are just wired stupid and selfish. I'm sorry this happened to you. 180 works. You are better off without her. Life is too short for grubbing in the dirt when you should be flying in the bright sky.
> 
> Be prepared, however, to possibly lose that child at some point when she hooks up with someone else. This happened to my H before he met me. His ex cheated also except he found out before he married her. His relationship with the child dissolved and he was heartbroken for a long time. More about the kid than the woman, who is a hot mess to this day.
> 
> The doctor is a loser too, so no comparison there. Anyone who would cheat with a married person has no self-respect.
> 
> Find peace and be well. Life does get better from here.


he adopted the kid


----------



## Coloradotransplant

Maxo said:


> Narcissitic Personality Disorder. IMO, anyone dealing with a cheater would be well advised to become informed re the Cluster B personality disorders. Also,research Hypergamy and Briffault's Law.


I just read the wikipedia article for NPD. They could have been writing about my wife. It explains so much of the last 7 years.


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## sapientia

sparrow555 said:


> he adopted the kid


Ah, thanks for correcting. In this case, she can't take the child away as it's legally his as well.

What a stupid woman!


----------



## bruin619

sparrow555 said:


> 48 hours is nothing.. That it took you this much effort should also mean something.
> 
> Does she work?


she just started working again March 1.


----------



## bruin619

sparrow555 said:


> So. you were blind to her faults when you were in love ? Or you did notice but thought she would never do the same things to you?
> 
> She cheated on you 3 months into the marriage?


Everyone has faults. I accepted who she was because I loved her and the things that were faults were not flags at the time for bigger issues. She was madly in love with me. After the wedding she seemed numb and started to freak out. We were together 5 years before the marriage and everything was perfect. But once she got the day she wanted it changed her.


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## bruin619

sapientia said:


> This was my first thought as well. Then I read she was a single mom with a young child the OP accepted as his own.
> 
> Bruin - you are a standup guy. Hardworking, stable, loyal, loving.
> 
> Some people like your ex are just wired stupid and selfish. I'm sorry this happened to you. 180 works. You are better off without her. Life is too short for grubbing in the dirt when you should be flying in the bright sky.
> 
> Be prepared, however, to possibly lose that child at some point when she hooks up with someone else. This happened to my H before he met me. His ex cheated also except he found out before he married her. His relationship with the child dissolved and he was heartbroken for a long time. More about the kid than the woman, who is a hot mess to this day.
> 
> EDIT - I see you have adopted the child. Nevermind, my above comments, except you are a saint, IMO.
> 
> The doctor is a loser too, so no comparison there. Anyone who would cheat with a married person has no self-respect.
> 
> Find peace and be well. Life does get better from here.


Thank you - I really appreciate this. Your kind words like others on this forum help me move forward. Very sincere feedback.


----------



## Maxo

sparrow555 said:


> So. you were blind to her faults when you were in love ? Or you did notice but thought she would never do the same things to you?
> 
> She cheated on you 3 months into the marriage?


IMO, one need not be blind or need not ignore faults or red flags to become entangled. My experience , as well as the reading I have done on the disordered,has convinced me that the are masters at wearing masks and mirroring what they sense is of value to their victims.
The mask comes off after substantial entanglement. Adoption,marriage,mortgage etc. She started to let the mask slip as she sensed he had become bound.


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## farsidejunky

Disordered, Bruin.

Is she a CSA victim?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## klee314

bruin619 said:


> I would first like to thank everyone in advance for their time reading this and for their honest feedback. I have spent a few weeks reading everything I could get my hands onto online. I could probably guess what much of the feedback will be since many stories aren't that different. But I am interested in hearing from everyone. Those of you that have been betrayed and those of you that have betrayed your spouses. Please understand, while I know what I should do and what I might be doing for next steps may seem cut and dry I do love this person for so many different reasons. But I am also still dealing with the tremendous disappointment of what has been done to me and my son.
> 
> 
> 
> The best way I can summarize this:
> 
> 
> 
> 5 years ago I met a friend. She was an incredible friend and we became best friends. We did everything together, and we dated separate people. She had just turned 21 and I had just turned 25. She had a 24 month old baby boy from a previous relationship with an individual who started using heroine and quickly disappeared from her life. We instantly hit it off, gave each other dating advice, had each others backs and were there for each other. Not before long, we realized what we were looking for was right in front of us. We fell and fell hard for each other, and one of the first words her son ever said was "dad" - to me. He is my son now, he always will be, I adopted him, I love him, and he is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. He turns 7 in July.
> 
> 
> 
> We had a very non-traditional relationship, as many are now days. With that said, we didn't get engaged until 2014 and we married in the summer of 2015. I never thought I would marry my best friend - whom I trusted with absolutely everything in my life. But I did and it was the greatest gift along with my son I have ever received.
> 
> 
> 
> We had a rocky post-marriage. We moved for work, my wife didn't get the job she was expecting, I was extremely focused on work, and I did not meet her emotional needs and the attention she deserved. I know the courtship never ends, and I let my best friend down. She believes she was communicating this to me the best way she knew how but she didn't get through to me. Like many of the stories, it was too late by the time she got through to me. I would like to say in advance of what I am telling you next, this is not an excuse for her actions, its an understanding and acceptance that I became complacent in my relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> We were married in June. In November my wife came home with her ring on her right hand. For the first time ever something was really off and I looked at her phone. I found what no one wants to find: photos of her and another man in her recently deleted photo folder. It turns out she met someone in September and what started as an affair quickly grew into a longer term affair. In November, when she said she was serious about making this relationship work and ending what she did, I took her word for it. But certain things I wanted to see her do she wasn't doing. And while I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, I was right. She continued the affair. I am a very forgiving person, especially for the person that I saw as the love of my life and I would do anything for. I read how difficult affairs could be to break from, so I tried to support her and work with her so we could reconcile. Unfortunately, the hold of her affair on her grew stronger and stronger by the day. Fast forward to the end of February this year - I caught my wife lying and cheating with the same affair partner again. This time, she said she no longer wanted to be married and she wanted to be with her affair partner. She said she can't explain what its like with him but that she doesn't want to look back wondering what might have been with him. I am 30, my wife is 25 and our son is turning 7. Her affair partner is around 41, approximately 16 years older than her. He is a doctor and your typical bachelor that lives in a one bedroom apartment, owns nice cars and wines and dines his women. He is known for this, but of course she is in the "we are meant to be together" phase. It would be easier to break through permafrost.
> 
> 
> 
> After processing everything, I spent a ton of time in shock, begging and pleading for her to come back which lasted a very long time. I know this is not my fault, she should have never done this and there were real options she could have taken if she were miserable. She is not the person that I know. She has had her fair of issues in our relationship, but they were all ones I understood made her who she was and embraced and loved.
> 
> 
> 
> In recent days I hired a divorce attorney, put in for a lease on a new house and have done everything I can to clear my head of the usual things a betrayed spouse goes through. What she did was terrible. What she is doing is terrible. But with that said, it is a miserable thing to watch your best friend go through. (Yes, I know I need to be selfish, focus on myself and think about me, and so on.) But I married her for a reason and to see her in a place in her life I never have breaks my heart as much as what she did to me.
> 
> 
> 
> I am not looking for anything to be validated. I am not looking for anyone to tell me anything specific. I think I wanted to come on here because I respect what you all talk about, sharing my story is helping me through this process. And I just want to be part of a community that has dealt with what I am dealing with. I understand stuff happens in life which is why I welcome comments from any side of this situation you might have been on. Could I reconcile with her? Sure, if she showed me concrete changes and how we could use what happened to make our relationship stronger and affair proof in the future. But one of the real reasons I came on here today was because I am almost 24 hours into ending any contact with her - with the exception of anything that might come up with our son. I made clear he will not be used as a pawn for conversation and we have an initial plan until the separation is written and complete - so we should be able to avoid that. But I needed to start to get my integrity and self esteem back - and respect - which I through away during this process when I was the one that was betrayed.
> 
> 
> 
> One thing that has really hurt me through this process is that she has shown 0 emotion or remorse for her actions. She was basically in parallel relationships until she said she wanted the marriage to end. So I can see how someone might be keeping everything inside or not feeling anything at all since she is living this fantasy. But after I came in her life, became best friends, became the father to her child, adopted him, and supporter her through everything over the last 5 years - her lack of awareness/logic/respect and everything else I felt was deserved is gone. And I get it, that was gone the moment she cheated on me.
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry for the rambling. I am a great husband, a great dad, a really good hearted person. I am hurting but doing everything I can to make sure our son has an adult in his life right now and doesn't have an even more difficult life than he already has. Thanks, sincerely, for reading this.


----------



## klee314

bruin619 said:


> I would first like to thank everyone in advance for their time reading this and for their honest feedback. I have spent a few weeks reading everything I could get my hands onto online. I could probably guess what much of the feedback will be since many stories aren't that different. But I am interested in hearing from everyone. Those of you that have been betrayed and those of you that have betrayed your spouses. Please understand, while I know what I should do and what I might be doing for next steps may seem cut and dry I do love this person for so many different reasons. But I am also still dealing with the tremendous disappointment of what has been done to me and my son.
> 
> 
> 
> The best way I can summarize this:
> 
> 
> 
> 5 years ago I met a friend. She was an incredible friend and we became best friends. We did everything together, and we dated separate people. She had just turned 21 and I had just turned 25. She had a 24 month old baby boy from a previous relationship with an individual who started using heroine and quickly disappeared from her life. We instantly hit it off, gave each other dating advice, had each others backs and were there for each other. Not before long, we realized what we were looking for was right in front of us. We fell and fell hard for each other, and one of the first words her son ever said was "dad" - to me. He is my son now, he always will be, I adopted him, I love him, and he is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. He turns 7 in July.
> 
> 
> 
> We had a very non-traditional relationship, as many are now days. With that said, we didn't get engaged until 2014 and we married in the summer of 2015. I never thought I would marry my best friend - whom I trusted with absolutely everything in my life. But I did and it was the greatest gift along with my son I have ever received.
> 
> 
> 
> We had a rocky post-marriage. We moved for work, my wife didn't get the job she was expecting, I was extremely focused on work, and I did not meet her emotional needs and the attention she deserved. I know the courtship never ends, and I let my best friend down. She believes she was communicating this to me the best way she knew how but she didn't get through to me. Like many of the stories, it was too late by the time she got through to me. I would like to say in advance of what I am telling you next, this is not an excuse for her actions, its an understanding and acceptance that I became complacent in my relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> We were married in June. In November my wife came home with her ring on her right hand. For the first time ever something was really off and I looked at her phone. I found what no one wants to find: photos of her and another man in her recently deleted photo folder. It turns out she met someone in September and what started as an affair quickly grew into a longer term affair. In November, when she said she was serious about making this relationship work and ending what she did, I took her word for it. But certain things I wanted to see her do she wasn't doing. And while I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, I was right. She continued the affair. I am a very forgiving person, especially for the person that I saw as the love of my life and I would do anything for. I read how difficult affairs could be to break from, so I tried to support her and work with her so we could reconcile. Unfortunately, the hold of her affair on her grew stronger and stronger by the day. Fast forward to the end of February this year - I caught my wife lying and cheating with the same affair partner again. This time, she said she no longer wanted to be married and she wanted to be with her affair partner. She said she can't explain what its like with him but that she doesn't want to look back wondering what might have been with him. I am 30, my wife is 25 and our son is turning 7. Her affair partner is around 41, approximately 16 years older than her. He is a doctor and your typical bachelor that lives in a one bedroom apartment, owns nice cars and wines and dines his women. He is known for this, but of course she is in the "we are meant to be together" phase. It would be easier to break through permafrost.
> 
> 
> 
> After processing everything, I spent a ton of time in shock, begging and pleading for her to come back which lasted a very long time. I know this is not my fault, she should have never done this and there were real options she could have taken if she were miserable. She is not the person that I know. She has had her fair of issues in our relationship, but they were all ones I understood made her who she was and embraced and loved.
> 
> 
> 
> In recent days I hired a divorce attorney, put in for a lease on a new house and have done everything I can to clear my head of the usual things a betrayed spouse goes through. What she did was terrible. What she is doing is terrible. But with that said, it is a miserable thing to watch your best friend go through. (Yes, I know I need to be selfish, focus on myself and think about me, and so on.) But I married her for a reason and to see her in a place in her life I never have breaks my heart as much as what she did to me.
> 
> 
> 
> I am not looking for anything to be validated. I am not looking for anyone to tell me anything specific. I think I wanted to come on here because I respect what you all talk about, sharing my story is helping me through this process. And I just want to be part of a community that has dealt with what I am dealing with. I understand stuff happens in life which is why I welcome comments from any side of this situation you might have been on. Could I reconcile with her? Sure, if she showed me concrete changes and how we could use what happened to make our relationship stronger and affair proof in the future. But one of the real reasons I came on here today was because I am almost 24 hours into ending any contact with her - with the exception of anything that might come up with our son. I made clear he will not be used as a pawn for conversation and we have an initial plan until the separation is written and complete - so we should be able to avoid that. But I needed to start to get my integrity and self esteem back - and respect - which I through away during this process when I was the one that was betrayed.
> 
> 
> 
> One thing that has really hurt me through this process is that she has shown 0 emotion or remorse for her actions. She was basically in parallel relationships until she said she wanted the marriage to end. So I can see how someone might be keeping everything inside or not feeling anything at all since she is living this fantasy. But after I came in her life, became best friends, became the father to her child, adopted him, and supporter her through everything over the last 5 years - her lack of awareness/logic/respect and everything else I felt was deserved is gone. And I get it, that was gone the moment she cheated on me.
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry for the rambling. I am a great husband, a great dad, a really good hearted person. I am hurting but doing everything I can to make sure our son has an adult in his life right now and doesn't have an even more difficult life than he already has. Thanks, sincerely, for reading this.




Wow, I just read my life story here... 16 years ago I got married and I want a player back then, she said "if I ever catch you cheating on me, I will divorce you like my last husband...bty I stop my old ways, didn't cheat on her and told her that I want to do this right (marriage) one time only" And she's the one having an affair! The biggest thing that has stop me from divorcing is Hosea 1:2... Call me crazy but if I get divorced, she'll be the one doing it and she has filed, went to your court date and we postponed it... Now for the last three weeks she has moved out and still seeing him... I'm in the same boat as you, and I'm sinking out here... Read Love and Respect, this might help a lot and I found a great YouTube video and about understanding why marriages fell so often... I'd like to talk to you over the phone if you would like... Good luck friend


----------



## WasDecimated

tech-novelist said:


> Hot women can get away with a lot, so they don't have to grow up and often don't.
> 
> Until they are not that hot anymore, and then they don't know what to do...


This is absolutely true. Imagine if you were a hot woman (with some hidden issues). You couldn't go anywhere without being noticed and attracting attention...guys are always checking you out. All of your life, both men and women have been telling you how beautiful you are. Men are always especially nice to you and eager to bend over backwards and do what ever it takes to get you to notice them. You get preferential treatment on a regular basis and could have free dinners and drinks from coast to coast. You could probably have sex with anyone that you wanted. 

Your visual appearance has always given you many options in life that most people don't have. You would naturally become selfish because you've always gotten whatever and whoever you wanted without having to put in much real effort. You could become easily bored because something shiny and new is always right around the corner. All you have to do is bat your eyes or wiggle your a$$ and and you get your wish. There is no need to work on yourself and become an emotionally centered individual because you've never spend much time alone. Chances are you have never felt the pain of rejection let alone, infidelity or cheating. Attracting all that attention also increases the odds that sooner or later some smooth player is going to hit on the right combination that gets him in. It becomes a numbers game.

I just described my XWW


----------



## tech-novelist

Decimated said:


> This is absolutely true. Imagine if you were a hot woman (with some hidden issues). You couldn't go anywhere without being noticed and attracting attention...guys are always checking you out. All of your life, both men and women have been telling you how beautiful you are. Men are always especially nice to you and eager to bend over backwards and do what ever it takes to get you to notice them. You get preferential treatment on a regular basis and could have free dinners and drinks from coast to coast. You could probably have sex with anyone that you wanted.
> 
> Your visual appearance has always given you many options in life that most people don't have. You would naturally become selfish because you've always gotten whatever and whoever you wanted without having to put in much real effort. You could become easily bored because something shiny and new is always right around the corner. All you have to do is bat your eyes or wiggle your a$$ and and you get your wish. There is no need to work on yourself and become an emotionally centered individual because you've never spend much time alone. Chances are you have never felt the pain of rejection let alone, infidelity or cheating. Attracting all that attention also increases the odds that sooner or later some smooth player is going to hit on the right combination that gets him in. It becomes a numbers game.
> 
> I just described my XWW


You have also just described several women I've known. It generally doesn't work out very well for them in the long run.


----------



## just got it 55

bruin619 said:


> Small win... when you are taking this day by day. I stopped being a needy little [email protected]#$% 48 hours ago. First 48 hours in 5 years I have not spoken with her. Minus what is already planned with me and my son this week which there should be nothing to talk about between now and then... I have slowly started to regain myself from this mess.


BRUIN It's great that you are making progress and I agree that you are.........Just be ready for setbacks you will have them this is standard for BS.

Try not to let it get you too far down It will make you want to reach out to her as someone posted make that list of all the torment she put you through.

The Roller Coaster was not named for the ride.The ride is named from what you are experiencing .

Keep your chin up young man

55


----------



## WasDecimated

bruin619 said:


> On easter, she asked me about someone I went out to dinner with. She demanded her last name - she told me it was ONLY FAIR that I tell her this persons last name because I know the last name of the man she was having an affair with. I refused to give her this womans last name and told her there is a difference between me going to dinner and her having an affair. What I found so interesting was that she completely lost her **** when she knew I went to dinner with someone. She said she wanted to look into her and it just wasn't fair. (Yes... I let a photo of this beautiful girl slip on my phone. I want her to see that she's not the only pretty girl out there)


This is normal, my XWW did this too. I went to high school with a beautiful female celebrity that lives in LA. Many months after I filed for divorce (two years after D day), I met up with her at our class reunion. We had a great time and talked for hours. She gave me her number and we had dinner together the next time she was in town. We enjoyed each others company and there was an attraction but we never pursued anything more at that time because I was not divorced yet. Also, our lives are so different that it probably wouldn't have worked. She has since met someone and is engaged.

My XWW was snooping through my phone and found her number and deleted it. Keep in mind we were only a couple months from the D being final and XWW was still seeing POSOM. She *****ed at me and demanded to know everything. I told her it was none of her business. She yelled back that she was my wife and that made it her business. I laughed at her and said "not any more".

My point is, don't read too much into it other than she's extremely selfish with control issues. She expects you to play her game using her rules. You are supposed to sit around and be broken, devastated, and crying about losing her. You are supposed to stay in a perpetual orbit around her in case DR. POS doesn't work out. She is outraged because, in her mind, she is supposed to be the most beautiful women in the world to you and how dare you actually find someone else attractive.


----------



## bankshot1993

tech-novelist said:


> You have also just described several women I've known. It generally doesn't work out very well for them in the long run.


I don't know if I agree with it not working out in the long run. anything that doesn't work out is quickly remedied with a little wiggle of the hip and ten guys come running to make her life perfect again and hell be damned any poor sought that gets in the way.


----------



## tom67

tech-novelist said:


> Hot women can get away with a lot, so they don't have to grow up and often don't.
> 
> Until they are not that hot anymore, and then they don't know what to do...


:iagree:
Hitting the wall hurts...


----------



## bruin619

I am curious for them women on here that betrayed their husbands and did something similar to this... What was your state of mind at this point in where I am. When you finally made the move to "choose" the Affair over the Marriage and say you wanted to get divorced. 

And for the men - what happened in the immediate future with you when your wife made clear she was choosing the affair over your marriage? What happened in the immediate days and weeks after?


----------



## Marduk

bruin619 said:


> It always amazes me as much as I have read, taken in and become a sponge for online through this process the new terms I still learn. I have never heard of this. I spent 4 months working with her (not really looking back on it) but believing things were going to be different and working through things with her. I will thank her - because it was HER this month that actually said "I can't be with you anymore. I don't want to look back wondering what might have been with my affair partner." Which of course stunned me. Why am I thanking her (not to her face of course) because I don't know how long I would have gone on if it wasn't for her finally making a choice. Something I had to accept when I was to weak to walk away to begin with. Which i know I should have done. But yes - we have ironed out that I failed miserable in my initial response to all of this. With that said, this is the first 48 hours I have no initiated any contact whatsoever. On easter, she asked me about someone I went out to dinner with. She demanded her last name - she told me it was ONLY FAIR that I tell her this persons last name because I know the last name of the man she was having an affair with. I refused to give her this womans last name and told her there is a difference between me going to dinner and her having an affair. What I found so interesting was that she completely lost her **** when she knew I went to dinner with someone. She said she wanted to look into her and it just wasn't fair. (Yes... I let a photo of this beautiful girl slip on my phone. I want her to see that she's not the only pretty girl out there)


Ya, it's the way it works. 

My ex and I were separated, she was with her affair partner openly, and when I started dating and found out about it she called me up all indignant. 

Its the way it is. Often people having affairs think that since they can have two people chasing them, they're irreplaceable. 

But nobody's irreplaceable
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marduk

bruin619 said:


> I am curious for them women on here that betrayed their husbands and did something similar to this... What was your state of mind at this point in where I am. When you finally made the move to "choose" the Affair over the Marriage and say you wanted to get divorced.
> 
> And for the men - what happened in the immediate future with you when your wife made clear she was choosing the affair over your marriage? What happened in the immediate days and weeks after?


She acted like she was on top of the world. Super happy, super successful. To me she was like ice and just wanted me out of the way to have fun with her boyfriend. 

And pay the bills, of course. 

When that stopped, everything seemed to spiral downwards for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bruin619

Looking for a little moral support and advice today. I know what I need to do but I need reinforcement. I have made it 4 days now not contacting my wife and today is the first day I have my son after school for his sporting event. I will be dropping him off to her after that this evening. This is the first 4 days I have not been in touch with her, reached out or acted like a little needy ***** since I accepted she was choosing the affair over our marriage. I don't really care what she thinks, but she is probably shocked given all my stupid begging and pleading she hasn't heard from me in four days. While I know what is right, and what is wrong, that doesn't mean 4 days into this I am in a good place. But when I drop off my son, I don't want it to appear anything but I have picked up my life and am moving on without her. I am pissed what she did to me, I am angry I was played and I know its over. Given I am now waiting for the separation papers back from the attorney and have stopped my stupid ways of not being the real man I should have can anyone give me a little motivation and advice going into this evening so I continue to be strong and don't drop the ball and give her anything she is looking for when she sees me? I want her to see a confident guy that she threw away. And yes I am probably overthinking this but I don't want to give her any more control. I don't want her to think that I am her plan B because I am not. But at the same time I am not going to live a life full of bitterness because of her. I just want to be myself and not thrown off by her games.


----------



## tech-novelist

bruin619 said:


> Looking for a little moral support and advice today. I know what I need to do but I need reinforcement. I have made it 4 days now not contacting my wife and today is the first day I have my son after school for his sporting event. I will be dropping him off to her after that this evening. This is the first 4 days I have not been in touch with her, reached out or acted like a little needy ***** since I accepted she was choosing the affair over our marriage. I don't really care what she thinks, but she is probably shocked given all my stupid begging and pleading she hasn't heard from me in four days. While I know what is right, and what is wrong, that doesn't mean 4 days into this I am in a good place. But when I drop off my son, I don't want it to appear anything but I have picked up my life and am moving on without her. I am pissed what she did to me, I am angry I was played and I know its over. Given I am now waiting for the separation papers back from the attorney and have stopped my stupid ways of not being the real man I should have can anyone give me a little motivation and advice going into this evening so I continue to be strong and don't drop the ball and give her anything she is looking for when she sees me? I want her to see a confident guy that she threw away. And yes I am probably overthinking this but I don't want to give her any more control. I don't want her to think that I am her plan B because I am not. But at the same time I am not going to live a life full of bitterness because of her. I just want to be myself and not thrown off by her games.


It probably won't be easy, but just remember that she is a "pod person" who has taken over the body of the woman you loved.


----------



## Marc878

Read through the 180. Be civil nothing more. Do not initiate a discussion with her. If she does answer anything about the child with a short/brief answer. 

Anything else I would just say there is nothing more to talk about Ive decided to move on from this.

Anything she will give you at this point will be breadcrumbs or lies anyway. Don't waste anymore of your time on this. A short "I have to go" will suffice.

This will give you control over your situation. Take her meaningless babble out of the equation.

The thing you need to realize is you have no future with her.


----------



## just got it 55

Bruin Simple answer but hard to execute given your situation

Look in the Mirror and respect yourself

55


----------



## bankshot1993

Dress like you have a hot date after your done dropping off the son and keep a smile on your face.


----------



## Hope1964

I like the idea of dressing like you have a hot date 

Also SMILE. Smile at your son, at her, at anyone you see. Once you force it a couple times it will be more natural. Practice in the mirror.

When you first lay eyes on her you might get a jolt. Let it pass before you say anything. Imagine her in an embarrassing/compromising/criminal/whatever situation to remind you how much you do not want to engage her.

And you're not overthinking this at all. The best way to succeed with the 180 is to plan ahead for the crap like this.


----------



## Marc878

Remember this she is sleeping and having sex with her OM. You owe her nothing. Temper her good looks with her filthy soul.


----------



## Maxo

bruin619 said:


> I am curious for them women on here that betrayed their husbands and did something similar to this... What was your state of mind at this point in where I am. When you finally made the move to "choose" the Affair over the Marriage and say you wanted to get divorced.
> 
> And for the men - what happened in the immediate future with you when your wife made clear she was choosing the affair over your marriage? What happened in the immediate days and weeks after?


My wife's doing this caused me to lose 47 lbs. in two months, lose sleep, almost lose my job-in general, have PTSD.
Thing is, if she knew this, rather than being concerned about me or feeling any guilt, it would just inflate her NPD ego even further, as it would show her just how great I felt she was.
It was not until I got out for a long time, and started reading about Cluster B's etc. that I could look back and see how abusive and selfish she had been all along. I was just sucking it up, running on a treadmill trying to keep her happy and our home halfway peaceful, while trying to avoid her next explosion. I was like a shell of myself after years of insidious, ambient abuse.
Now, I have a girlfriend who is so different. I never knew there were women out there like my GF, kind, caring, generous etc. A total contrast to my physically beautiful XW.


----------



## eastsouth2000

Just remember you are not alone in this. many people have gone through similar situation and became stronger afterwards.

I would definitely suggest some individual counseling.
try to check if it is covered by your health insurance.

Life was never something you planned it out to be,a crisis will arrive in one form or another. Life is complex and it challenges us for the better.
these troubled days did not come stay, they came to pass.

In the end you will come out stronger and wiser.


----------



## Imnobodynew

bruin619 said:


> Looking for a little moral support and advice today. I know what I need to do but I need reinforcement. I have made it 4 days now not contacting my wife and today is the first day I have my son after school for his sporting event. I will be dropping him off to her after that this evening. This is the first 4 days I have not been in touch with her, reached out or acted like a little needy ***** since I accepted she was choosing the affair over our marriage. I don't really care what she thinks, but she is probably shocked given all my stupid begging and pleading she hasn't heard from me in four days. While I know what is right, and what is wrong, that doesn't mean 4 days into this I am in a good place. But when I drop off my son, I don't want it to appear anything but I have picked up my life and am moving on without her. I am pissed what she did to me, I am angry I was played and I know its over. Given I am now waiting for the separation papers back from the attorney and have stopped my stupid ways of not being the real man I should have can anyone give me a little motivation and advice going into this evening so I continue to be strong and don't drop the ball and give her anything she is looking for when she sees me? I want her to see a confident guy that she threw away. And yes I am probably overthinking this but I don't want to give her any more control. I don't want her to think that I am her plan B because I am not. But at the same time I am not going to live a life full of bitterness because of her. I just want to be myself and not thrown off by her games.


Remember She is not human right now. She is a alien species called "SelfishbeachgoerisI type 1" ... She has willing given herself to some past alien life form (for most of us) called Immaturity and has merged with UBERCRAZINESSINREGRESSION to form SelfishbeachisI type 1. Typically there is no hope for "SelfishbeachgoerisI type 1", falling short of a miracle that causes them to realize their mental take over and repent from their new being. 

Sometimes terrible things can cause a change. But most are so comfortable with their new life that they forget how to add and subtract. They compare apples and oranges and wonder why no wants their fruit salad. Some "SelfishbeachgoerisI type 1" recognize and realize this and change after years of torment from thier new state of being but will never admit to this new change. Other "SelfishbeachgoerisI type 1" never come to realize they have devolved into a a rather dull creature so they are just happy with their new self! Finally There is a rare class. They embrace this new state of being initially and then realize they are just degrading rapidly. They come back and and ask for forgiveness and Show true remorse. This last class has chance at life... a shinning ray of hope for their journey forward, but the scars they will have to bear, although someday will heal will never go away. 

Is how i would look at her when I see her.. and smile! Even a sad one.... cause you will grow, but most people who regress into this sad state end up emotionally stunted. At least your son has a chance. Did you know that genes can change according to environment? 

My suggestion is when you see her... walk up to your kid wrap him up in a hug bear hug love on him. Smile.. talk to him. Keep it shallow with "SelfishbeachgoerisI type 1" (they cant understand anyways in this state of mind) and head on out into the sunset. Shrug.. lifes good.. it hurts, its a pain in rear, but life's good. Glad you have your son


----------



## Ceegee

bruin619 said:


> Looking for a little moral support and advice today. I know what I need to do but I need reinforcement. I have made it 4 days now not contacting my wife and today is the first day I have my son after school for his sporting event. I will be dropping him off to her after that this evening. This is the first 4 days I have not been in touch with her, reached out or acted like a little needy ***** since I accepted she was choosing the affair over our marriage. I don't really care what she thinks, but she is probably shocked given all my stupid begging and pleading she hasn't heard from me in four days. While I know what is right, and what is wrong, that doesn't mean 4 days into this I am in a good place. But when I drop off my son, I don't want it to appear anything but I have picked up my life and am moving on without her. I am pissed what she did to me, I am angry I was played and I know its over. Given I am now waiting for the separation papers back from the attorney and have stopped my stupid ways of not being the real man I should have can anyone give me a little motivation and advice going into this evening so I continue to be strong and don't drop the ball and give her anything she is looking for when she sees me? I want her to see a confident guy that she threw away. And yes I am probably overthinking this but I don't want to give her any more control. I don't want her to think that I am her plan B because I am not. But at the same time I am not going to live a life full of bitterness because of her. I just want to be myself and not thrown off by her games.


The most important thing is to not give her anything to feed off of. 

Be ready for anything she may say or do to get a rise out of you.

I would go to the door with your son and see that he gets in then immediately turn and walk away. 

If she tries to engage you just say that you have somewhere to be and leave.

I also like the idea of being dressed up. 

Would be great if you did have plans after - with freinds. You could even tell your son that you are meeting someone for dinner.


----------



## badmemory

bruin619 said:


> can anyone give me a little motivation and advice going into this evening so I continue to be strong and don't drop the ball and give her anything she is looking for when she sees me?


----------



## Imnobodynew

LOL bad memory MINUS THE LIPSTICK!


----------



## bruin619

What drives me insane is typically she will try to give me a long hug followed by a kiss on the lips as if everything is completely normal. I'm sure this makes her think she's doing me some sort of favor or helping her cope with how terrible she is. What do I do when she tries to pull this **** tonight? First four days I have never spoken to her in the last 5 years.

The other thing (not that it matters) I find very odd is 2 weeks ago she was saying she was meant to be with this guy and on Sunday she was saying she barely talks to him and is enjoying being "single". What kind of crap message is that? She's clearly still seeing him.


----------



## just got it 55

bruin619 said:


> What drives me insane is typically she will try to give me a long hug followed by a kiss on the lips as if everything is completely normal. I'm sure this makes her think she's doing me some sort of favor or helping her cope with how terrible she is. What do I do when she tries to pull this **** tonight? First four days I have never spoken to her in the last 5 years.
> 
> The other thing (not that it matters) I find very odd is 2 weeks ago she was saying she was meant to be with this guy and on Sunday she was saying she barely talks to him and is enjoying being "single". What kind of crap message is that? She's clearly still seeing him.


She is just keeping you on the hook

Don't engage

Clear and Present Detachment young brother

55


----------



## 3putt

bruin619 said:


> What drives me insane is typically she will try to give me a long hug followed by a kiss on the lips as if everything is completely normal. I'm sure this makes her think she's doing me some sort of favor or helping her cope with how terrible she is. What do I do when she tries to pull this **** tonight? First four days I have never spoken to her in the last 5 years.
> 
> The other thing (not that it matters) I find very odd is 2 weeks ago she was saying she was meant to be with this guy and on Sunday she was saying she barely talks to him and is enjoying being "single". What kind of crap message is that? She's clearly still seeing him.


I know what I would say:

"I have no interest in another man's sloppy seconds." (or leftovers if you want to clean it up)


----------



## Marduk

bruin619 said:


> What drives me insane is typically she will try to give me a long hug followed by a kiss on the lips as if everything is completely normal. I'm sure this makes her think she's doing me some sort of favor or helping her cope with how terrible she is. What do I do when she tries to pull this **** tonight? First four days I have never spoken to her in the last 5 years.
> 
> The other thing (not that it matters) I find very odd is 2 weeks ago she was saying she was meant to be with this guy and on Sunday she was saying she barely talks to him and is enjoying being "single". What kind of crap message is that? She's clearly still seeing him.


Hold your hand up in front of you if she tries to hug you and brush her off. 

Ignore her mixed messages. They will be guilt mixed with rationalization mixed with protecting her ego mixed with just wanting you out of the way. With a side order of "please don't move on before me."

In short, ignore her to the extent you can possible. Do not seek any validation from her. 

Talk to a friend immediately before you do it and have some place to go after.

Do not answer any questions about your personal life. 

Anything you give her weakens you. Give her nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badmemory

bruin619 said:


> What drives me insane is typically she will try to give me a long hug followed by a kiss on the lips as if everything is completely normal. I'm sure this makes her think she's doing me some sort of favor or helping her cope with how terrible she is. *What do I do when she tries to pull this **** tonight? *


Seriously?

You don't give her the opportunity. 

She's only doing that to assuage her own guilt and to perhaps keep you in the plan B zone. Actually the fact that she tries to do this after what she's done should repulse you.

I didn't really attach the Spock picture as a joke. That's the mentality you have to channel when you're around her; with perhaps one exception. You should appear care free; as if she no longer has an effect on you. Will you feel that way? No, of course not. Not for a while.

So you fake it till you make it. 

That's what the 180 helps you do.


----------



## Tron

bruin619 said:


> What drives me insane is typically she will try to give me a long hug followed by a kiss on the lips as if everything is completely normal. I'm sure this makes her think she's doing me some sort of favor or helping her cope with how terrible she is. What do I do when she tries to pull this **** tonight? First four days I have never spoken to her in the last 5 years.


I'd spit in her face if she tried that, but then I have on occasion been contemptible. Is that a word? :scratchhead:

Probably better to do what Marduk suggested.


----------



## Imnobodynew

You know, sometimes when your in these hard situations.. you need to make an internal choice about what you want. The 180 is just that. It is a choice. You will not always make the proper ones in life, but who does? Just choose. Do you want to be on the hook? No. next choice: do you want to be treated like plan B? No.. ok choice made ---outcome. STAY AWAY. No hugs shes is not your wife anymore she is a crazy woman and you know this.. just step away and say no thanks.... lol TRUST ME IT WILL FEEL GOOOOD


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## Ceegee

She knows what a hug and kiss does to you. That's why she does it. 

It's to keep her narcissistic supply going. 

It's abusive. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## nirvana

I just read the first page and some more here and there, but I think this relationship is done.

It takes a lot for a woman to break off a relationship, but when she does, it is dead for good. You can beg and plead but beyond that point, she is just using you or you are some sort of Plan B to pay her bills.

Get rid of her and move on.


----------



## bandit.45

bruin619 said:


> What drives me insane is typically she will try to give me a long hug followed by a kiss on the lips as if everything is completely normal. I'm sure this makes her think she's doing me some sort of favor or helping her cope with how terrible she is. What do I do when she tries to pull this **** tonight? First four days I have never spoken to her in the last 5 years.
> 
> The other thing (not that it matters) I find very odd is 2 weeks ago she was saying she was meant to be with this guy and on Sunday she was saying she barely talks to him and is enjoying being "single". What kind of crap message is that? She's clearly still seeing him.


Just back away with your hand up in a "stop" signal.

"No thanks. I'm not your husband anymore. I don't give hugs."


----------



## bandit.45

She wants to see you this way:











But be this way:


----------



## Marc878

bruin619 said:


> What drives me insane is typically she will try to give me a long hug followed by a kiss on the lips as if everything is completely normal. I'm sure this makes her think she's doing me some sort of favor or helping her cope with how terrible she is. What do I do when she tries to pull this **** tonight? First four days I have never spoken to her in the last 5 years.
> 
> The other thing (not that it matters) I find very odd is 2 weeks ago she was saying she was meant to be with this guy and on Sunday she was saying she barely talks to him and is enjoying being "single". What kind of crap message is that? She's clearly still seeing him.


These are breadcrumbs to keep her plan B in place. Ask yourself this.

Are you that weak and pathetic???? C'mon man hug and kiss after she's giver her lover boy a BJ?????? Seriously? Please find your balls.


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## Marc878

I hate to tell you but she gives you a hug. She spreads her legs for the OM.

She gives you a kiss. She sucks OM's c0ck.

Get out of denial and see this lowlife POS for who she really is. I guarantee everyone else is.

Anyone that knows you/her is shaking their heads saying OMG!!!!!


----------



## Marc878

If it were me I'd tell her don't touch me anymore you are repulsive and disgusting.

If you read Lots to Learns post. He told his ex he couldn't stand to look at her.

Are you getting this?????


----------



## ThePheonix

Bruin my man, first and foremost, don't focus on her reaction to you and getting her goat showing her how tough you are and what she's going to be missing. (which when guys pull this is really an attempt to reel her back it) Focus on your reaction to her and the rest will fall in place. Treat it like you're an alcoholic, a few days on the wagon and in AA, and she the liquor store clerk trying to retain you as a customer. Once you take even a sip, you're lost and at the mercy and control of this vampire and you'll be eating out of her hand once again. It ain't a pretty picture Dawg.
(And if you really want to twist a pretty girls tail, ignore her)


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

bruin619 said:


> What drives me insane is typically she will try to give me a long hug followed by a kiss on the lips as if everything is completely normal. I'm sure this makes her think she's doing me some sort of favor or helping her cope with how terrible she is. What do I do when she tries to pull this **** tonight? First four days I have never spoken to her in the last 5 years.
> 
> The other thing (not that it matters) I find very odd is 2 weeks ago she was saying she was meant to be with this guy and on Sunday she was saying she barely talks to him and is enjoying being "single". What kind of crap message is that? She's clearly still seeing him.


Anything to keep you on the hook.
Two suckers in the hand is worth more than three in the bush.

She knows you are a spinless wimp, and that you enjoy her walking over you. That you'll simply give in.

Being that kind of gold digger, she'll actually use her son to get an inroad with you, knowing eventually that you're lonely and useless so you'll give in again because you've always been a gutless wimp when it comes to real confrontation.

She's strong, bold, got multiple men, found good men to be "father" and "provider" for her child, she is emotionally alpha in her world knowing you will give in eventually to whatever she wants, and she is successful enough that she came from "gutter"/drug world and SHE has built her way up to deal with doctors, nice presents, money, and nice home. [why *should* she actually give a damn about what your feelings are].


----------



## farsidejunky

marduk said:


> Ignore her mixed messages. They will be guilt mixed with rationalization mixed with protecting her ego mixed with just wanting you out of the way. With a side order of "please don't move on before me."


ROFL.

Love this description! 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Marc878

Bruin,

You can do this. Won't be easy. You know from the consensus were telling you the truth.

Use this to set the tone got the rest of your life and don't look back at her.

Looks fade over time but who you are can be kept intact. Remember who you are and what you want to be.


----------



## jsmart

Marc878 said:


> I hate to tell you but she gives you a hug. She spreads her legs for the OM.
> 
> She gives you a kiss. She sucks OM's c0ck.
> 
> Get out of denial and see this lowlife POS for who she really is. I guarantee everyone else is.
> 
> Anyone that knows you/her is shaking their heads saying OMG!!!!!


This is so true. She'll throw him a few crumbs, to keep him hoping they might have a chance. But it's just to keep him on the hook as a plan B. 

If Dr Douche is Beta enough to marry a cheating divorcee with another man's kid, then OP's hope of working things out will be dashed. But most people here know this POS is just going to string her along, maybe even buy her a ring, to keep the sex & BJs on tap but he ain't gonna marry her. But OP will have been long dumped by the time he's done abusing that body. 

That he adopted her kid, means absolutely NOTHING to her. If this pos, that she's known only a few months, said that he wanted to marry her but she must first undo the adoption so that he could adopt her kid. How fast do you think she would have a lawyer draw up papers to undo the adoption?


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## Marc878

bruin619 said:


> The other thing (not that it matters) I find very odd is 2 weeks ago she was saying she was meant to be with this guy and on Sunday she was saying she barely talks to him and is enjoying being "single". What kind of crap message is that? She's clearly still seeing him.


Cheaters lie a lot as you've discovered. As for the last part she thinks you're stupid.

Prove her wrong.


----------



## ABHale

bruin619 said:


> What drives me insane is typically she will try to give me a long hug followed by a kiss on the lips as if everything is completely normal. I'm sure this makes her think she's doing me some sort of favor or helping her cope with how terrible she is. What do I do when she tries to pull this **** tonight? First four days I have never spoken to her in the last 5 years.
> 
> The other thing (not that it matters) I find very odd is 2 weeks ago she was saying she was meant to be with this guy and on Sunday she was saying she barely talks to him and is enjoying being "single". What kind of crap message is that? She's clearly still seeing him.



Just step back from her if she moves to hug you......... Then give her a "Are you F**Kin kidding me look".


----------



## Maxo

bandit.45 said:


> Just back away with your hand up in a "stop" signal.
> 
> "No thanks. I'm not your husband anymore. I don't give hugs."


I have had to do this a couple times. Just back away with the arm extended.


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## Clay2013

The others are right. Do not allow her to touch you. Just be graceful and say no thanks. You don't have to be rude to get your point across. The more you 180 the better off you will be in the long run.

Just think of her as a stranger your doing business with. Talk to her as little as possible and leave right away. No need to send her any other kind of message than she doesn't matter anymore.

C


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## bruin619

This is going to probably be one of the most high school things I have ever posted on here. Her best friend (another cheerleader) just texted me asking if I am going to this big dinner at the end of April. Not easy tickets to get to but I'm fortunate to typically be invited. She said she did not tell my wife she was reaching out and didn't want to get in the middle of it and that she really wants to go and could she go with me. Given the existing legal movement, you all can imagine what a bland response she got.

However, I told her there is nothing to get in the middle of. I've moved on, I'm happy, I've filed for divorce and my only regret is not doing this in November. Talk soon "" 

This is probably the second time in my life this person has ever texted me. Seemed like a nice opportunity to say I didn't give a **** about my wife and I've moved on.

Could it be my wife has a friend that would do this behind her back? Absolutely. Could she have done this for my wife? Maybe. Almost seems the smarter one is going after what my life left behind.

What say you all? Not reading too much in... Just think it's classic either way. And of course... Cc @thepheonix


----------



## ABHale

I think I would go as friends. No need to stay at home and sulk. Go have fun and enjoy the evening. It is not anything sexual, it's not cheating. It also shows you are moving on with your life.


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## Maxo

I would stay clear of this other screwball. Do not try to figure out the crap that flows through an ex- cheerleader's brain. You could lose a dozen or so IQ points in no time.


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## Marc878

She may be put up to feeling you out. Beware here.

The next thing you'll get from your stbxw is "can't we be friends"????

Cheaterspeak to say "see we're friends he's ok with what I've done".

Tell her no and to look up the definition of friend. Someone who is loyal, trustworthy, faithful.

Contact only by email or text about the kid only.


----------



## Marc878

ABHale said:


> I think I would go as friends. No need to stay at home and sulk. Go have fun and enjoy the evening. It is not anything sexual, it's not cheating. It also shows you are moving on with your life.


You're call. Certainly not going to hurt anything.

IMO I would probably take her.


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## ABHale

If it is a set up, you treat her like a lady. If it is not a set up, you treat her like a lady. It's a win win. Have her meet you there so there is no miss taking what is going on. If you ex set this up she loses either way. But only take her if you want to, don't do it just to show your ex you have moved on.


----------



## Ceegee

Who knows her intentions. 

Safe bet is to steer clear. 

That's how you protect you. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## sparrow555

bruin619 said:


> Looking for a little moral support and advice today. I know what I need to do but I need reinforcement. I have made it 4 days now not contacting my wife and today is the first day I have my son after school for his sporting event. I will be dropping him off to her after that this evening. This is the first 4 days I have not been in touch with her, reached out or acted like a little needy ***** since I accepted she was choosing the affair over our marriage. I don't really care what she thinks, but she is probably shocked given all my stupid begging and pleading she hasn't heard from me in four days. While I know what is right, and what is wrong, that doesn't mean 4 days into this I am in a good place. But when I drop off my son, I don't want it to appear anything but I have picked up my life and am moving on without her. I am pissed what she did to me, I am angry I was played and I know its over. Given I am now waiting for the separation papers back from the attorney and have stopped my stupid ways of not being the real man I should have can anyone give me a little motivation and advice going into this evening so I continue to be strong and don't drop the ball and give her anything she is looking for when she sees me? I want her to see a confident guy that she threw away. And yes I am probably overthinking this but I don't want to give her any more control. I don't want her to think that I am her plan B because I am not. But at the same time I am not going to live a life full of bitterness because of her. I just want to be myself and not thrown off by her games.



Why do you need so much approval from her ? How you come across to her, how you should look or act ? That is what your post reads like.

You do realize the going No contact or following the 180 is not a way 
to make her come back to you, dont you ?

Maybe she will be shocked, maybe she won't be. Maybe she will be relieved.





> First four days I have never spoken to her in the last 5 years.



Big deal!!! No one cares. 



> What drives me insane is typically she will try to give me a long hug followed by a kiss on the lips as if everything is completely normal. I'm sure this makes her think she's doing me some sort of favor or helping her cope with how terrible she is. What do I do when she tries to pull this **** tonight?


How is this a question ?


----------



## ThePheonix

bruin619 said:


> What say you all? Not reading too much in... Just think it's classic either way. And of course... Cc @thepheonix


Watch you step Dawg. You may be dealing with a double agent. If this chick is really interested, she'll let you know. You stay in control and don't let another chick appoint herself as your handler and don't become another woman's "girlfriend". (ask yourself, "how would 007 handle it?" :wink2


----------



## Truthseeker1

ThePheonix said:


> Watch you step Dawg. You may be dealing with a double agent. If this chick is really interested, she'll let you know. You stay in control and don't let another chick appoint herself as your handler and don't become another woman's "girlfriend". (ask yourself, "how would 007 handle it?" :wink2


Yup your STBXW could have put her up to it...who knows...from this point on take what you need and will help you heal and throw the trash out...


----------



## bruin619

Update: son fell asleep in the car after dinner... We got home to the WW spouse house (kinda rhymes?) Luckily the mother in law was on the main floor and I put my son to sleep in his bed and got out without having to run into her. Day 5 of taking back my life.


----------



## tech-novelist

Marc878 said:


> You're call. Certainly not going to hurt anything.
> 
> IMO I would probably take her.


In what position? >


----------



## Maxo

sparrow555 said:


> Why do you need so much approval from her ? How you come across to her, how you should look or act ? That is what your post reads like.
> 
> You do realize the going No contact or following the 180 is not a way
> to make her come back to you, dont you ?
> 
> Maybe she will be shocked, maybe she won't be. Maybe she will be relieved.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Big deal!!! No one cares.
> 
> 
> 
> How is this a question ?


I do not think you can speak for everyone re the " no one cares" comment. How would you know?

You seem to have a problem with this newly minted BS. Why is that?


----------



## Marc878

bruin619 said:


> Update: son fell asleep in the car after dinner... We got home to the WW spouse house (kinda rhymes?) Luckily the mother in law was on the main floor and I put my son to sleep in his bed and got out without having to run into her. Day 5 of taking back my life.


It appears she is too busy with her new life to even notice you are in the 180. Stick with it hard you'll get to where you need to be faster that way.

Do not trust the MIL, blood is thicker than water and if the truths known she is probably extatic that her princess has traded up. That is until he dropped her when he gets bored. 

Get your life in order.


----------



## GusPolinski

bruin619 said:


> This is going to probably be one of the most high school things I have ever posted on here. Her best friend (another cheerleader) just texted me asking if I am going to this big dinner at the end of April. Not easy tickets to get to but I'm fortunate to typically be invited. She said she did not tell my wife she was reaching out and didn't want to get in the middle of it and that she really wants to go and could she go with me. Given the existing legal movement, you all can imagine what a bland response she got.
> 
> However, I told her there is nothing to get in the middle of. I've moved on, I'm happy, I've filed for divorce and my only regret is not doing this in November. Talk soon ""
> 
> This is probably the second time in my life this person has ever texted me. Seemed like a nice opportunity to say I didn't give a **** about my wife and I've moved on.
> 
> Could it be my wife has a friend that would do this behind her back? Absolutely. *Could she have done this for my wife?* Maybe. Almost seems the smarter one is going after what my life left behind.
> 
> What say you all? Not reading too much in... Just think it's classic either way. And of course... Cc @thepheonix


Yep.

But who cares? You gave the correct response either way.

Stay away from the cheerleaders.


----------



## jsmart

bruin619 said:


> Update: son fell asleep in the car after dinner... We got home to the WW spouse house (kinda rhymes?) Luckily the mother in law was on the main floor and I put my son to sleep in his bed and got out without having to run into her. Day 5 of taking back my life.


So WW was out with Dr Douche or was she to busy meet you at the door to go over how her son was doing? Either way, it shows that she really has moved on already. I don't get how you called her your best friend. 

To stab you in the back so soon after you've made her an honest woman, and you adopt her son. That is so fvcked up. She knows this POS for a few months and has left you without looking back. 
Any woman that would do that was NEVER your friend. This was simply a business transaction. You marry, support me and my kid, and you get to bang a cheer leader until I can get a better deal. 

For a 25 year old hottie to be with a 41 year old Dr is some straight up GOLD DIGGING. Seer that into your head. This woman is trash. How you let her kiss you on the lips knowing what she's doing to get him to want to marry her. Have some self respect.


----------



## MattMatt

bruin619 said:


> What drives me insane is typically she will try to give me a long hug followed by a kiss on the lips as if everything is completely normal. I'm sure this makes her think she's doing me some sort of favor or helping her cope with how terrible she is. What do I do when she tries to pull this **** tonight? First four days I have never spoken to her in the last 5 years.
> 
> The other thing (not that it matters) I find very odd is 2 weeks ago she was saying she was meant to be with this guy and on Sunday she was saying she barely talks to him and is enjoying being "single". What kind of crap message is that? She's clearly still seeing him.


You could place your fingers on her lips and say, thoughtfully, as if to yourself, "Now... I wonder where those lips might have been? Really? So, do I want to risk contact with them? No. I don't think so."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

bruin619 said:


> This is going to probably be one of the most high school things I have ever posted on here. Her best friend (another cheerleader) just texted me asking if I am going to this big dinner at the end of April. Not easy tickets to get to but I'm fortunate to typically be invited. She said she did not tell my wife she was reaching out and didn't want to get in the middle of it and that she really wants to go and could she go with me. Given the existing legal movement, you all can imagine what a bland response she got.
> 
> However, I told her there is nothing to get in the middle of. I've moved on, I'm happy, I've filed for divorce and my only regret is not doing this in November. Talk soon ""
> 
> This is probably the second time in my life this person has ever texted me. Seemed like a nice opportunity to say I didn't give a **** about my wife and I've moved on.
> 
> Could it be my wife has a friend that would do this behind her back? Absolutely. Could she have done this for my wife? Maybe. Almost seems the smarter one is going after what my life left behind.
> 
> What say you all? Not reading too much in... Just think it's classic either way. And of course... Cc @thepheonix


I have heard of this kind of thing happening before.

Word gets round thst idiot spouse has dropped hunk husband or babe wife and it's like folks are on starters orders "And they're off!" 

It's like blood in the water and sharks come out to play!

Well, why not? It is not their fault your ex to be is an idiot? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marc878

MattMatt said:


> I have heard of this kind of thing happening before.
> 
> Word gets round thst idiot spouse has dropped hunk husband or babe wife and it's like folks are on starters orders "And there off!"
> 
> It's like blood in the water and sharks come out to play!
> 
> Well, why not? It is not their fault your ex to be is an idiot?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The more I think about it. Yes, take her. Don't mention the stbxw name the whole time.


----------



## QuietSoul

Hi Bruin. Wow, so sorry mate  what a ****ed up situation. 

First question, are you saying you married in June 2015 and she cheated September 2015? 3 months into the marriage? 

If yes, then my second question (which only she couldd answer) is why the **** she married you? Why "commit" her life to you and you are doing the same with all sincerity bit her mind is elsewhere? For her to cheat so early on, I find it hard to believe that it appeared out of nowhere, 3 months after she stood at the altar with you. Have you asked her why she married yiu? Was it convenience? Comfortablity? A father figure for her son?

Question 3: Do yiurbfamilies and mutual friends know why you are now separated/divorcing? 

4: have you ever met (or confronted) the other man and do you know if he is or was attached?

Something that jumps out at me here is that you have been way too quick to forgive and forget. Did she see you raw in hour feelings and pain that she caused? Did you ever lash out emotionally or withdraw emotionally and physically (and sexually) to heal and protect yourself until she earned your trust back? 

I could be wrong but i think you have made this very easy for her. 

And when you are caring for her son, she will be on date and sex nights with her new man. 

If she is in the frame of mind that this new romance is meant to be then she is likely too far gone, until or unless she gets her wakeup call when the cracks start showing and then she may either come back for sloppy seconds or move onto someone else. 

I am so sorry ylh are going through this. Please protect yourself and heal and stick to your no contact boundary...


----------



## jsmart

Definitely go with the girl. She's either making her move because she was secretly into you or she's doing some recon for STBXW. Either way, no freaking whining about your situation. You need to be a smooth criminal trying to bust a move.

If you can hook up with her, it will be a great way to get your MoJo back and to stick it to STBX. If she's doing recon, it can be a great way to show that you've moved on. You're a man with options. 

But you have to bring your A game. Women are able to sniff out needy weak beta trying to fake it a mile away. Remember women are repulsed by weakness from men. You will never win a girl over with pity game. Not this one or your STBX.


----------



## ThePheonix

I'd have to accept the challenge from the cheerleader. But you have to be able to decipher the motives of this girl early on and adjust your strategy accordingly not to get out maneuvered. Women begin getting lessons in exploiting male weaknesses at an early age, taught to them by the males themselves.


----------



## bankshot1993

Bruin, one thing to keep in mind during all of this, she used you, took advantage of you, used you as a place holder until an opportunity to trade up as she saw it came along. Now its time for revenge.

The best revenge that any BS can get is this, make her regret the choice. Be the best father a mother could ever want for her son, be the best man a woman could ever want on her arm and be the best lover a wife could ever want in her bed. Live a life of happiness and contentment, never looking back or dwelling in the damage your WS has caused.

10 years from now when you are truely happy and on top of the world you will have your revenge. The revenge you will have is that you thwarted her plan to destroy you by not letting it change you for the worse.

Be the man that only a fool would ever want to lose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marc878

Adversity like this can make you a stronger better person than you were before. If you use the experience and grow from it. Look at it from that angle and get strong. Make yourself into what you want to be. Never be anyone's doormat.


----------



## nirvana

Just bang her!


----------



## bruin619

Had my son from 3-5 PM EST today. WW supposed to be home at 5 PM. It is now 7:30 PM. She said she was running late. Then she texted me saying that she wants to avoid confrontation and issues which is why she isn't home yet. Then she texted me saying its not fair that she spends more time with our son then I do (Remember, she moved her and my son back from another state without my permission after she didn't get a new job. She is staying at her mothers and I am staying at my parents until I move into my new place on June 1, not an issue for custody per attorney given facts that led us to get where we are today) Now she is saying she feels like going to a move because it just isn't fair. I told her I have plans. I committed 3-5 PM. And I need her to get home so I can head out. Of course there was the "who are the plans with" which I ignored.

Additionally, I told her today good luck with the 41 y/o doctor that is abusing her body until the girl 2 years younger comes around that doesn't have the baggage and the kid. She said she was talking to her attorney about the options for child custody under the separation. I told her enjoy it - I am not signing a sign form or document her attorney provides me. No separation deal. I am filling for adultery in our state and look forward to her "OM" being served as a witness. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Done with the games and I am all in. Told her I am looking forward to seeing her in court to work all this out there.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Dude stop the tit for tat. When you say things like this


> Additionally, I told her today good luck with the 41 y/o doctor that is abusing her body until the girl 2 years younger comes around that doesn't have the baggage and the kid. She said she was talking to her attorney about the options for child custody under the separation. I told her enjoy it - I am not signing a sign form or document her attorney provides me. No separation deal. I am filling for adultery in our state and look forward to her "OM" being served as a witness. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Done with the games and I am all in. Told her I am looking forward to seeing her in court to work all this out there.


 you are playing her game. 

Go read the 180 and learn how to work on you. Antagonism rarely benefits anyone during custody hearings. All I'll say is, this is the day and age of VARS, videos and secret recordings. Don't get caught losing your mind and saying petty crap which loses you 50/50 custody.


----------



## Ceegee

Liked the first part. 

Then it went down hill. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## bruin619

Well there goes that I guess. She did call me and say the meanest **** I have heard in a long time. To which I replied do you feel better now and I have to go. She just texted me and said she didn't mean what she said. I left it at that.


----------



## GusPolinski

Well, you've said your piece now.

From here on out, keep the _peace_ and don't say or do anything that doesn't grease the wheels on a divorce that's as advantageous as possible for you.

That said, I REALLY like the idea of filing for divorce citing adultery _as well as_ having OM served as a co-respondent.

In which state do you live, by the way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

GusPolinski said:


> Well, you've said your piece now.
> 
> From here on out, keep the _peace_ and don't say or do anything that doesn't grease the wheels on a divorce that's as advantageous as possible for you.
> 
> *That said, I REALLY like the idea of filing for divorce citing adultery as well as having OM served as a co-respondent.*
> 
> In which state do you live, by the way?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He should also send an exposure letter to the hospital administrators and their immediate bosses in addition to the summons of the OM. That would put an unbelievable amount of pressure on the two of them. That would speak louder than any words he can say.


----------



## jsmart

Dude, I feel your hurt. I know you wish this were not falling apart but it is. She's abusing your kindness to get you to babysit her kid to enable her wh0ring. 

That's how this type of woman does her work. They get the help of others to keep kid out of sight so that new sucker is thinking that being with her won't be so bad. During this stage, she is sexually rocking his world. Once she has the guy totally P whipped, she'll bring the kid into the picture. By that time, the guy will not mind, he'll be like you were, wanting to play captain save-a-hoe just to keep the sex on tap.

I know you've adopted her kid and feel like he's like your own kid, but I think you need to be prepared for her to challenge it when she no longer needs your babysitting services. Being a young hottie, she'll eventually snag an high earning Beta who'll do anything to keep the sex on tap.


----------



## Truthseeker1

jsmart said:


> Dude, I feel your hurt. I know you wish this were not falling apart but it is. She's abusing your kindness to get you to babysit her kid to enable her wh0ring.
> 
> That's how this type of woman does her work. They get the help of others to keep kid out of sight so that new sucker is thinking that being with her won't be so bad. During this stage, she is sexually rocking his world. Once she has the guy totally P whipped, she'll bring the kid into the picture. By that time, the guy will not mind, he'll be like you were, wanting to play captain save-a-hoe just to keep the sex on tap.
> 
> I know you've adopted her kid and feel like he's like your own kid, but I think you need to be prepared for her to challenge it when she no longer needs your babysitting services. Being a young hottie, she'll eventually snag an high earning Beta who'll do anything to keep the sex on tap.


This is a good life lesson for men never be a KISA - they only exist in fairytales...


----------



## GusPolinski

3putt said:


> He should also send an exposure letter to the hospital administrators and their immediate bosses in addition to the summons of the OM. That would put an unbelievable amount of pressure on the two of them. That would speak louder than any words he can say.


Honestly, I don't think it would matter. A lot of doctors are known for being entitled d**chebags. And, actually, given all that they do to not only recruit but retain doctors, many healthcare entities -- both large and small -- tend to contribute to this.

Years ago a buddy and co-worker of mine told me that there was once a trailer located behind one of the buildings at the hospital where we worked. The intended purpose of the building was for doctors that were on call or working long shifts to take breaks, naps, etc as needed. And, at pretty much any time of day, there would be certain nurses that just went "missing" for a while. Married or single, didn't matter. Hell... there was even a director-level position created to more or less oversee "recruitment" of willing nurses.

Granted, this was probably 30 or more years ago, but I don't think things have changed too terribly much, at least not under the surface.


----------



## Ceegee

GusPolinski said:


> That said, I REALLY like the idea of filing for divorce citing adultery _as well as_ having OM served as a co-respondent.
> 
> 
> 
> In which state do you live, by the way?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I agree. 

Just no need to fill her in on your game plan. 

Keep it to yourself.


----------



## Truthseeker1

GusPolinski said:


> Honestly, I don't think it would matter. A lot of doctors are known for being entitled d**chebags. And, actually, given all that they do to not only recruit but retain doctors, many healthcare entities -- both large and small -- tend to contribute to this.
> 
> Years ago a buddy and co-worker of mine told me that there was once a trailer located behind one of the buildings at the hospital where we worked. The intended purpose of the building was for doctors that were on call or working long shifts to take breaks, naps, etc as needed. And, at pretty much any time of day, there would be certain nurses that just went "missing" for a while. Married or single, didn't matter. Hell... there was even a director-level position created to more or less oversee "recruitment" of willing nurses.
> 
> Granted, this was probably 30 or more years ago, but I don't think things have changed too terribly much, at least not under the surface.


You are correct Gus - I knew someone very well who was a doctor during this period and you are correct...they would work overnight shifts and find nurses (since they were few female doctor s at the time) to fvck in between patients...these doctors werent just cheaters but serial cheaters...countless women...at least tha tis what i heard... over the course of decades...some of these guys were cheaters for 10, 20 30 years...they lived like they were single...one ore thing..they always cheated so this dr will cheat on your STBXW soon emough - there is always a hotter, younger and one with less baggage..


----------



## 3putt

GusPolinski said:


> Honestly, I don't think it would matter. A lot of doctors are known for being entitled d**chebags. And, actually, given all that they do to not only recruit but retain doctors, many healthcare entities -- both large and small -- tend to contribute to this.
> 
> Years ago a buddy and co-worker of mine told me that there was once a trailer located behind one of the buildings at the hospital where we worked. The intended purpose of the building was for doctors that were on call or working long shifts to take breaks, naps, etc as needed. And, at pretty much any time of day, there would be certain nurses that just went "missing" for a while. Married or single, didn't matter. Hell... there was even a director-level position created to more or less oversee "recruitment" of willing nurses.
> 
> Granted, this was probably 30 or more years ago, but I don't think things have changed too terribly much, at least not under the surface.


I agree. I'm well aware of the mindset of that particular field, but I would do it nonetheless. Not so much as to expect any results from an admin standpoint, but just to get it out there for the sake of exposure alone. Just them being aware that there eyes on them and opinions being formed is enough to warrant it.

Pressure.

That's the true point of exposure. Explode the fantasy with a massive dose of reality.


----------



## GusPolinski

3putt said:


> I agree. I'm well aware of the mindset of that particular field, but I would do it nonetheless. Not so much as to expect any results from an admin standpoint, but just to get it out there for the sake of exposure alone. Just them being aware that there eyes on them and opinions being formed is enough to warrant it.
> 
> Pressure.
> 
> That's the true point of exposure. Explode the fantasy with a massive dose of reality.


Yeah, but when reconciliation is off the table, there's no real point other than vindictiveness.

That said, I totally get the urge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3putt

GusPolinski said:


> Yeah, but when reconciliation is off the table, there's no real point other than vindictiveness.
> 
> That said, I totally get the urge.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You see, I don't see it as being vindictive. I see it as raining down consequences for piss poor behavior. People are seldom motivated to change their ways when they suffer no consequences for their bad choices. 

But that's just me.


----------



## Ceegee

3putt said:


> You see, I don't see it as being vindictive. I see it as raining down consequences for piss poor behavior. People are seldom motivated to change their ways when they suffer no consequences for their bad choices.
> 
> 
> 
> But that's just me.




What's it to him if she changes her ways?

Not his problem. 

I do however believe many BS have regrets without exposure. Myself included. 

I would do it if I had the chance again. 

GSG


----------



## 3putt

Ceegee said:


> What's it to him if she changes her ways?
> 
> Not his problem.
> 
> I do however believe many BS have regrets without exposure. Myself included.
> 
> I would do it if I had the chance again.
> 
> GSG


I was trying to be nice, but I do think it would benefit the WS to feel the consequences of exposure for future decision making. It's really a lesson to them if you think about it.

I'd do it just to make sure that the whole truth got out, and not just a history rewritten version of what most WSs tend to spew to justify what they are doing.

Just the truth.


----------



## GusPolinski

3putt said:


> I was trying to be nice, but I do think it would benefit the WS to feel the consequences of exposure for future decision making. It's really a lesson to them if you think about it.
> 
> I'd do it just to make sure that the whole truth got out, and not just a history rewritten version of what most WSs tend to spew to justify what they are doing.
> 
> Just the truth.


See, this is why I'm such a fan of filing citing infidelity --

_It's *public* record._


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marc878

GusPolinski said:


> Yeah, but when reconciliation is off the table, there's no real point other than vindictiveness.
> 
> That said, I totally get the urge.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just don't see anything wrong with consequences.

I don't see the truth being told as vindictive or revenge.

More like closure for the sole.


----------



## 3putt

GusPolinski said:


> See, this is why I'm such a fan of filing citing infidelity --
> 
> _It's *public* record._
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And exposure accomplishes that, and adds to it, on an even grander scale. It eliminates all the questions of why to family and friends, not to mention clearing the BS of all the bullsh!t lies that are being spewed about him/her to justify those choices. And we all know about that.

I just can't see a downside to it. The truth rarely does have a downside.


----------



## GusPolinski

I'm all for exposing to friends, family, the other BS, etc, but I just don't see the value in taking exposure behind that. Unless, of course, you're looking to blow up an affair so that reconciliation can begin.

I don't have any issues w/ letting that truth be known, but sharing it where it isn't really germane will accomplish little more than undermining the validity of the BS's grievances.

After all, yell loudly enough and long enough and _what_ you're yelling matters less and less... and eventually all that will matter to anyone is that you're yelling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## eastsouth2000

bruin619 said:


> Had my son from 3-5 PM EST today. WW supposed to be home at 5 PM. It is now 7:30 PM. She said she was running late. Then she texted me saying that she wants to avoid confrontation and issues which is why she isn't home yet. Then she texted me saying its not fair that she spends more time with our son then I do (Remember, she moved her and my son back from another state without my permission after she didn't get a new job. She is staying at her mothers and I am staying at my parents until I move into my new place on June 1, not an issue for custody per attorney given facts that led us to get where we are today) Now she is saying she feels like going to a move because it just isn't fair. I told her I have plans. I committed 3-5 PM. And I need her to get home so I can head out. Of course there was the "who are the plans with" which I ignored.
> 
> Additionally, I told her today good luck with the 41 y/o doctor that is abusing her body until the girl 2 years younger comes around that doesn't have the baggage and the kid. She said she was talking to her attorney about the options for child custody under the separation. I told her enjoy it - I am not signing a sign form or document her attorney provides me. No separation deal. I am filling for adultery in our state and look forward to her "OM" being served as a witness. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Done with the games and I am all in. Told her I am looking forward to seeing her in court to work all this out there.


I would definitely suggest some individual counseling for you.

Focus on moving forward.
Focus on your healing.

Go out meet people make some friends and talk.

Also,be careful with the message you send, don't send message that could be used against you in court.


----------



## 3putt

GusPolinski said:


> I'm all for exposing to friends, family, the other BS, etc, but I just don't see the value in taking exposure behind that. Unless, of course, you're looking to blow up an affair so that reconciliation can begin.
> 
> I don't have any issues w/ letting that truth be known, but sharing it where it isn't really germane will accomplish little more than undermining the validity of the BS's grievances.
> 
> After all, yell loudly enough and long enough and _what_ you're yelling matters less and less... and eventually all that will matter to anyone is that you're yelling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's why I have always said to do it all at once (1 day), like a tsunami of truth, and let the chips fall where they may. Trickling it out never does well in the end.

What happens then, happens. But at least the truth is out there.


----------



## Marc878

bruin619 said:


> I told her today good luck with the 41 y/o doctor that is abusing her body until the girl 2 years younger comes around that doesn't have the baggage and the kid. She said she was talking to her attorney about the options for child custody under the separation. I told her enjoy it - I am not signing a sign form or document her attorney provides me. No separation deal. I am filling for adultery in our state and look forward to her "OM" being served as a witness. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Done with the games and I am all in. Told her I am looking forward to seeing her in court to work all this out there.


You need to stop the rhetoric. It makes you weak/needy. She doesn't care what you think. She is in fantasy land. 

No More Mr Nice Guy wouldn't tell her what he's doing he just does it.

Do what you need let her deal with your actions. 180! 180! 180!

You are breaking NC unless it's kid related.


----------



## bandit.45

Marc878 said:


> You need to stop the rhetoric. It makes you weak/needy. She doesn't care what you think. She is in fantasy land.
> 
> No More Mr Nice Guy wouldn't tell her what he's doing he just does it.
> 
> Do what you need let her deal with your actions. 180! 180! 180!
> 
> You are breaking NC unless it's kid related.




Dang....he can't do anything right. 

I thought he did well. Oh well....


----------



## Marc878

bandit.45 said:


> Dang....he can't do anything right.
> 
> I thought he did well. Oh well....


He is!!!! Just needs some fine tuning.


----------



## sparrow555

> good luck with the 41 y/o doctor that is abusing her body until the girl 2 years younger comes around that doesn't have the baggage and the kid


She is not a victim...Stop believing the narrative


----------



## MattMatt

Make sure she doesn't fake child abuse stories against you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jsmart

Claims of abuse are so common during divorce, especially from WWs. In this case, it could be used to challenge the adoption. It won't be done until she's lined up the next knight in shine armor. She still needs his services because it seems like her mother has limited patience for playing mommy a 2nd time. 

OP needs to prepare himself mentally for when that day comes. The courts are stacked against biological fathers, I can only imagine it would even more so in a case like this.


----------



## Maxo

Marc878 said:


> I just don't see anything wrong with consequences.
> 
> I don't see the truth being told as vindictive or revenge.
> 
> More like closure for the sole.


Probably a waste of time, IMO. I doubt the hospital would care.


----------



## Maxo

sparrow555 said:


> She is not a victim...Stop believing the narrative


Exactly. Where on earth did this " abusing her body" idea come from? The woman is having consensual sex. What abuse?


----------



## GusPolinski

Maxo said:


> Exactly. Where on earth did this " abusing her body" idea come from? The woman is having consensual sex. What abuse?


Maybe "using" instead of "abusing".

Either way, the point that OP was trying to get across to his STBXW (might as well start using that term, OP) is that OM likely sees her as nothing more an object to be used for his own sexual gratification, and then cast aside once he decides that the juice is no longer worth the squeeze.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix

bruin619 said:


> Additionally, I told her today good luck with the 41 y/o doctor that is abusing her body until the girl 2 years younger comes around that doesn't have the baggage and the kid.


Bruin, Bruin, Bruin. I hate to keep up the harping on your, "misdemeanor" with the above outburst, but you need to stay in control. Your inexperience dealing with this thing will get the best of you if you ain't careful. 
When this chick told you she purposely avoid you because she wanted to avoid confrontation with you, she meant what she said. If it would have been Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp showing up at her place to return the kid, do you think she'd been late. I can see you want her and feel like a stooge being used, played and summarily replaced by Dr. Trophyhunter, but what you want doesn't matter to her. You've filled your purpose and now she wants you out of the way. (except she wants a little more freedom by pawning the kid off on you some more until she gets her ducks in a row.)
Numerous folks have recommended certain "user manuals" for operating in your environment. You need to study these before attempting to operate the machinery. Your work will be a lot less error pron and more professional.
Dawg, ain't nothing wrong with making a mistakes, as long as you learn from the experience.


----------



## Maxo

GusPolinski said:


> Maybe "using" instead of "abusing".
> 
> Either way, the point that OP was trying to get across to his STBXW (might as well start using that term, OP) is that OM likely sees her as nothing more an object to be used for his own sexual gratification, and then cast aside once he decides that the juice is no longer worth the squeeze.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well,we have no way of knowing he is using her. In fact,based on her history,it seems likely that she is using the OM. Status and wealth may be the draw.
Predatory,hypergamous women use guys all the time.


----------



## Maxo

ThePheonix said:


> Bruin, Bruin, Bruin. I hate to keep up the harping on you're, "misdemeanor" with the above outburst, but you need to stay in control. Your inexperience dealing with this thing will get the best of you if you ain't careful.
> When this chick told you she purposely avoid you because she wanted to avoid confrontation with you, she meant what she said. If it would have been Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp showing up at her place to return the kid, do you think she'd been late. I can see you want her and feel like a stooge being used, played and summarily replaced by Dr. Trophyhunter, but what you want doesn't matter to her. You've filled your purpose and now she wants you out of the way. (except she wants a little more freedom by pawning the kid off on you some more until she gets her ducks in a row.)
> Numerous folks have recommended certain "user manuals" for operating in your environment. You need to study these before attempting to operate the machinery. Your work will be a lot less error pron and more professional.
> Dawg, ain't nothing wrong with making a mistakes, as long as you learn from the experience.


Exactly. And all you are doing by criticizing her is stroking her huge,cheerleader ego by showing her how much this bothers you.
Bruin,you dodged a huge bullet with this happening so early on while you are young. And,maybe,you got a nice son out of the deal.
Many of us found out years in with multiple kids. I tell myself the abuse was worth it,as my kids mean everything to me.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

No, the abuse was never worth it. You got something full of worth from the abuse. Yes, semantics, but a huge difference.


----------



## bruin619

Happy to update you all - when she got home she apologized for losing her **** on me on the phone. I shrugged it off like I didn't know what she was talking about. As I was heading out the door my son asked me to stay and watch a movie. I said I can only stay a little longer because I have somewhere I need to be. I watched the film with him for a little bit and then headed out. Thanks to your notes I was reading online I quickly corrected myself. Today was the first day I woke up and didn't give her or anything she has done any thought. I went out to dinner with some friends and there was a really cute waitress I was making eye contact with we had. First thought was - wow she's really cute. Second thought was - I can totally get back into this dating thing. Third thought was - dating. Thats it - don't be the guy that starts looking at people thinking more than dating. Whats this girl all about - is she smart - caring - would love to take her out and get to know her. She totally messed up on the order and I told myself - you know I don't think I am going to ask this one for her number (yea she was probably some fun, but I will avoid asking someone on a date that seems remotely off moving forward. Last thing I want is another cluster B in my life). I didn't really pay any attention to my phone because I was around friends and don't have anyone in my personal life I need to respond to unless there is an emergency. I looked at my phone on the way to the car and there was a text from my soon to be ex wife tonight "re-confirming" our plan for the week with our son. She had texted me a few hours before. I wrote a simple "Confirmed - have a great night" back. I know different days will bring different things. But you all have been an amazing support group my first week on here. And I feel better today than I have ever before. And I was totally repulsed when I saw her name pop up in my phone because of everything she has done. So I deleted her from my contacts so in the future I just have to see the number at first glance. Thanks for all your continued support


----------



## GusPolinski

bruin619 said:


> Happy to update you all - when she got home she apologized for losing her **** on me on the phone. I shrugged it off like I didn't know what she was talking about. As I was heading out the door my son asked me to stay and watch a movie. I said I can only stay a little longer because I have somewhere I need to be. I watched the film with him for a little bit and then headed out. Thanks to your notes I was reading online I quickly corrected myself. Today was the first day I woke up and didn't give her or anything she has done any thought. I went out to dinner with some friends and there was a really cute waitress I was making eye contact with we had. First thought was - wow she's really cute. Second thought was - I can totally get back into this dating thing. Third thought was - dating. Thats it - don't be the guy that starts looking at people thinking more than dating. Whats this girl all about - is she smart - caring - would love to take her out and get to know her. She totally messed up on the order and I told myself - you know I don't think I am going to ask this one for her number. I didn't really pay any attention to my phone because I was around friends and don't have anyone in my personal life I need to respond to unless there is an emergency. I looked at my phone on the way to the car and there was a text from my soon to be ex wife tonight "re-confirming" our plan for the week with our son. She had texted me a few hours before. *I wrote a simple "Confirmed - have a great night" back.* I know different days will bring different things. But you all have been an amazing support group my first week on here. And I feel better today than I have ever before. And I was totally repulsed when I saw her name pop up in my phone because of everything she has done. So I deleted her from my contacts so in the future I just have to see the number at first glance. Thanks for all your continued support


Knock that off.

"Got it" would've been sufficient.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bruin619

GusPolinski said:


> Knock that off.
> 
> "Got it" would've been sufficient.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Got it, Gus. Kidding - love the feedback thank you


----------



## GusPolinski

GusPolinski said:


> Knock that off.
> 
> "Got it" would've been sufficient.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





bruin619 said:


> Got it, Gus. Kidding - love the feedback thank you


Ha! Guess I walked right into that one.

:lol: :rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bruin619

FYI @GusPolinski your avatar is my favorite actor of all time. My dad introduced me to his movies at a very young age and he is one of those guys on the TV I wish was still with us.


----------



## GusPolinski

bruin619 said:


> FYI your avatar is my favorite actor of all time. My dad introduced me to his movies at a very young age and he is one of those guys on the TV I wish was still with us.


Ditto.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maxo

GusPolinski said:


> Knock that off.
> 
> "Got it" would've been sufficient.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes,Gus is right. No gratuitous well wishing but,also no derogatory or shaming stuff. Not because she is undeserving of being lambasted,but,rather,because any attention, negative or positive is NPD supply to this type. You want this woman to be out of your life asap.


----------



## GusPolinski

Maxo said:


> Yes,Gus is right. No gratuitous well wishing but,also no derogatory or shaming stuff. Not because she is undeserving of being lambasted,but,rather,because any attention, negative or positive is NPD supply to this type. You want this woman to be out of your life asap.


Correct.

Print out a copy of the 180 onto two sheets of paper.

Tape it to your bathroom mirror and look at it every day as you prepare for work in the morning.

Make it your Bible.

Learn it, live it, love it.

(And, obviously, keep your STBXWW out of your bathroom. Hell, keep her out of your HOME.)


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## Marduk

Oh god, the texts and emails.

I remember those.

Anything that is logistical and isn't an emergency gets a one word binary response. "Yes," "No." 24 hours later.

Anything that is emotional gets ignored.

Eventually they taper off or stop coming altogether, and that's better.


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## ThePheonix

marduk said:


> Anything that is logistical and isn't an emergency gets a one word binary response. "Yes," "No." 24 hours later.


You took the words right out of my mouth my man.


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## VFW

bruin619 said:


> I saw her name pop up in my phone because of everything she has done. So I deleted her from my contacts so in the future I just have to see the number at first glance. Thanks for all your continued support


I had to laugh at this, I remember I got to the point of when she would call my office and the sound of her voice would make me say to myself "what the fudge does she want now" (or words to that affect). I promise it gets better.


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## Marc878

bruin619 said:


> She had texted me a few hours before. I wrote a simple "Confirmed - have a great night" back.


Confirmed would have been good enough. Cut the niceties.

No More Mr Nice Guy.

She threw your azz under the bus. Remember that.


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## TDSC60

So her OM is a Doctor.
How did she meet him?
Was/is she or your son a patient of his (if a Medical Doctor)? If so, report his sorry azz to the Medical Ethics board or whatever the Doctor oversight function is where you live. 

Gather all physical evidence you can. Pictures, emails, texts. If you live in an area where filing for infidelity is possible you might be able to sue OM for alienation of affection.

Have you talked to a lawyer about any of this?


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## RandomDude

Allowing the relationship to die off - that's the fault of both of you, including yourself.
Her cheating on you - that's HER fault, and none of your responsibility

Do not forgive her, she has not earned it
Cut her out of your life, she brings you nothing but pain now

It's very simple


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## Imnobodynew

Buin,

How are you holding freind. I am just checking in with you. I've adopted another kid here recently. lol. Its in my blood. It gets better... You know I had the runs and was vomiting last weekend till yesterday. Your story crossed my mind for some reason. Think of those ill feelings you have like a bad stomach flu, and your STBXW as a virus.... and those heart pains and such as stomach pains and those breadcrumbs as well the diarrhea lol How you cant wait till they stop ... j/k


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## GusPolinski

How are you doing, @bruin619?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bruin619

Thanks everyone - Holding up okay. Definitely still processing the fact that this happened and pissed and angry. Just seems like one big nightmare. Good news is she has realized she has no grounds for divorce, only I do, and made some recent comments that the other man won't make a commitment to her until she is officially separated. So I have the upper hand to ensure the separation agreement looks the way I want it to and she is going to be signing it so that she can go off and live her fantasy. Making sure the custody piece of all this is in order and where I want it to be.


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## Marc878

bruin619 said:


> Thanks everyone - Holding up okay. Definitely still processing the fact that this happened and pissed and angry. Just seems like one big nightmare. *Good news is she has realized she has no grounds for divorce, only I do, and made some recent comments that the other man won't make a commitment to her until she is officially separated. *So I have the upper hand to ensure the separation agreement looks the way I want it to and she is going to be signing it so that she can go off and live her fantasy. Making sure the custody piece of all this is in order and where I want it to be.


ahahahah. He's already stalling. She's in for a big surprise.

Don't be plan B again. Be prepared.


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## sparrow555

bruin619 said:


> Thanks everyone - Holding up okay. Definitely still processing the fact that this happened and pissed and angry. Just seems like one big nightmare. Good news is she has realized she has no grounds for divorce, only I do, and made some recent comments that the other man won't make a commitment to her until she is officially separated. So I have the upper hand to ensure the separation agreement looks the way I want it to and she is going to be signing it so that she can go off and live her fantasy. Making sure the custody piece of all this is in order and where I want it to be.


Lets say this guy OM see how much of a narcissist she is and dumps her and she runs back to you with a sob story on how sorry she is....


This scumbag had no problem starting with a married woman in the first place. So the official separation is just bullsh!t he is making up. I am guessing that he doing the "slow fade" stuff. Will be a little bit of time before your wife comes to the realization.


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## Evinrude58

Exactly, the doc suddenly has scruples.
Lol, that "commitment" she's wanting? She'll get to keep wanting it. What idiot would marry a woman who cheated? 
Commitment.... That just makes me want to puke. What would she know about the word?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart

Marc878 said:


> ahahahah. He's already stalling. She's in for a big surprise.
> 
> Don't be plan B again. Be prepared.


So predictable, isn't it? 

I said it before. I seriously doubt this guy will marry her. He's going to future fake, He'll even buy her a ring, and move her in to his place, and play like their planning a wedding but when it comes down to it, he's not going to marry her. 

Very few men in their right mind, would marry a woman that is cheating on her husband after a few short months, especially after he just adopted her bad boy spawn. Doesn't matter that he's the reason she's cheating. Even during the new relationship fog, logic always creeps back in for men. 

OP needs to steel his spine in case she comes crawling back to not to take her back. She's shown that she's not marriage material. I know he's badly hurt but there will be a good woman out there for him but he can't meet her if he continues to play Captain save-a-h0e.


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## MattMatt

bruin619 said:


> FYI @GusPolinski your avatar is my favorite actor of all time. My dad introduced me to his movies at a very young age and he is one of those guys on the TV I wish was still with us.


My avatar is because I like cats. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix

Evinrude58 said:


> What idiot would marry a woman who cheated?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


About half of um.


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## jsmart

Evinrude58 said:


> Exactly, the doc suddenly has scruples.
> Lol, that "commitment" she's wanting? She'll get to keep wanting it. What idiot would marry a woman who cheated?
> Commitment.... That just makes me want to puke. What would she know about the word?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There are so many thirsty betas that will try to turn a cheating wh0re into a wife. But the way most of these woman are able to get men to commit to them, is through deception. They're not telling these guys that their marriages and families imploded due to their cheating. The good ole meme of he was abusive or controlling is very popular. 

Once you're capable of doing the lying that's required to pull off the worst type of betrayal that is humanly possible, what's the big deal of snagging a guy by letting him assume you're an innocent victim.


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## Hope1964

jsmart said:


> OP needs to steel his spine in case she comes crawling back to not to take her back.


I mentioned this before. *bruin619*, do you have a plan in place for this? Because it's very likely that mr. dr. will drop your wife when it looks like she is actually going to split from you, and when he does she is going to come crawling back to you. She's going to promise you the moon and swear she's reformed and will never ever EVER cheat on you EVER again.

Are you prepared? What will you do?


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## bandit.45

Hope1964 said:


> I mentioned this before. *bruin619*, do you have a plan in place for this? Because it's very likely that mr. dr. will drop your wife when it looks like she is actually going to split from you, and when he does she is going to come crawling back to you. She's going to promise you the moon and swear she's reformed and will never ever EVER cheat on you EVER again.
> 
> Are you prepared? What will you do?


I don't think this will happen. She may get dumped by her AP, but she won't come crawling back. If she does return to him, she will come back conditionally, demanding that he take the blame for her bad choices.

He should lawyer up, and go after her with legal guns a blazin'.

Users like her only understand extreme measures. They use and use and exploit others until someone smacks them down hard, which is what he needs to do.


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## jsmart

bandit.45 said:


> I don't think this will happen. She may get dumped by her AP, but she won't come crawling back. *If she does return to him, she will come back conditionally, demanding that he take the blame for her bad choices.*
> 
> He should lawyer up, and go after her with legal guns a blazin'.
> 
> Users like her only understand extreme measures. They use and use and exploit others until someone smacks them down hard, which is what he needs to do.


I agree that IF, she comes back, it won't be in a remorseful way. It'll be more in the "alright, you win, I'll come back." But he shouldn't bite because it will just be a short term pit stop to buy time to line up her next Beta sucker. 

Her actions tell me, she's really done with OP. An outright gold digger. She got him to adopt her son, so she's got financing and a built in baby sitter. If Dr Douche wakes up from his fog, like most here think he will, she'll be back on the prowl but will need the soft place to crash for a while because her mom doesn't appear to want to give up her freedom.


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## Cynthia

Do you have an attorney yet?


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## Hope1964

I'd like to know if he has a plan in place for if she comes back, whether she be crawling or not.


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## turnera

What is it you're trying to get in custody? What arrangements?


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## Maxo

ThePheonix said:


> About half of um.


Maybe even more if she still looks good,and,as Evinrude points out,she will spin this to look like the victim.
White Knights eat that shiit up.


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## Truthseeker1

Maxo said:


> White Knights eat that shiit up.


White knights usually end up just eating sh!t...>


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## MattMatt

@bruin619 how's it going?


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## *Deidre*

jsmart said:


> There are so many thirsty betas that will try to turn a cheating wh0re into a wife. But the way most of these woman are able to get men to commit to them, is through deception. They're not telling these guys that their marriages and families imploded due to their cheating. The good ole meme of he was abusive or controlling is very popular.
> 
> Once you're capable of doing the lying that's required to pull off the worst type of betrayal that is humanly possible, what's the big deal of snagging a guy by letting him assume you're an innocent victim.


The doctor isn't a ''thirsty beta,'' he is a narcissist just like her. He is using her, and when she finds that out, she will go running back to the OP. Hopefully, he keeps that door shut, then. But, the doctor/OM is stalling, so he can keep using her, and then once she gets a legal separation, I could see him then saying ''well, when you're officially divorced, I'll make a commitment.'' Meanwhile, he's probably 
cheating on her, too.  A good guy wouldn't have slept with a married woman to begin with so...


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## MattMatt

*Deidre* said:


> The doctor isn't a ''thirsty beta,'' he is a narcissist just like her. He is using her, and when she finds that out, she will go running back to the OP. Hopefully, he keeps that door shut, then. But, the doctor/OM is stalling, so he can keep using her, and then once she gets a legal separation, I could see him then saying ''well, when you're officially divorced, I'll make a commitment.'' Meanwhile, he's probably
> cheating on her, too.  A good guy wouldn't have slept with a married woman to begin with so...


Even good guys can do bad stuff sometimes.

However, Doctor Evil? I think he is a player.

And she fell or it.


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## GusPolinski

*Deidre* said:


> *The doctor isn't a ''thirsty beta,''* he is a narcissist just like her. He is using her, and when she finds that out, she will go running back to the OP. Hopefully, he keeps that door shut, then. But, the doctor/OM is stalling, so he can keep using her, and then once she gets a legal separation, I could see him then saying ''well, when you're officially divorced, I'll make a commitment.'' Meanwhile, he's probably
> cheating on her, too.  A good guy wouldn't have slept with a married woman to begin with so...


To be fair, I don't think he was talking about the doc.


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## GusPolinski

MattMatt said:


> @bruin619 how's it going?


Been wondering about this guy myself. Hopefully he came to terms w/ that needed to happen here and -- if she wound up trying to come back to him -- kicked his WW to the curb for good.


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## GusPolinski

MattMatt said:


> Even good guys can do bad stuff sometimes.
> 
> However, Doctor Evil? I think he is a player.
> 
> And she fell or it.


Some of the worse people I've ever met are doctors.

I trust (most of) them to do their jobs in an accurate and professional manner, but that's mostly due to the fact that they can be held legally liable for failure to do so... and they know it.

They also know that we know it.


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## LucasJackson

GusPolinski said:


> Been wondering about this guy myself. Hopefully he came to terms w/ that needed to happen here and -- if she wound up trying to come back to him -- kicked his WW to the curb for good.


Solid advice.


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## SunCMars

You were always a "friend" to her...............not a soulmate.

You have sub-stance............she has some character measure below "sub"........maybe no-stance, no base goodness. No empathy for others. 

She is a surface dweller in this "pond" we live in.

One more brick has fallen from your Vaulted Castle. The one with the Great Views. 

Life can be cruel. This was meant to be. Learn from it. 

You get another road to travel down. A new adventure awaits you.

Enjoy your child.........


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## MattMatt

@bruin619 how are things?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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