# losing the spark?



## ageironynot (Aug 14, 2009)

marrried almost 10 years. 3 wonderful little girls. 

my wife and i have always said how opposite we are. first note, i love my wife dearly. we are on different emotinal levels.

she is the social butterfly and i am the guy standing in the corner. 

lately, and i just cant put my finger on it, i just dont have the spark. its there, it once was, but there are times when i just dont care. she has all of these new friends who she shares a passion with, and when she tries to tell me about it, i just think in my head, "i could care less about this crap".

the other night while having sex, i helped her with a massager and helped her reach orgasm, which was the 3rd one i believe.

then 5, then 7...... as she continued, i was almost embarassed or disgusted... i cant tell... so i left her to finish... i thought "hell she doesnt need me here for this, im out" so i proceeded downstairs.

im missing something. she has always said im so emotionally void, and i guess i am...

im not a religious guy, but there is something missing inside me and i cant find it... 

help?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Are you depressed?

There's nothing wrong with being social opposites so long as there are things that you share. Is there nothing that you share? Don't you have shared interests or passions?

Do you have any passions? Hobbies? 

I also wonder why you were either embarrassed or disgusted. Because it wasnt' you, it was a machine? Or because she was just going at it and not thinking of you?

Are you emotionally void? You guess, but you don't know.

Does anything excite you? Not sexually but in life in general.

Or did things that excited you get away from you and you no longer either put time into them or want to put time into them?


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## ageironynot (Aug 14, 2009)

I may be depressed, how would i know? I mean, i dont want to kill myself, but im just not mentally who i used to be.

wow... we struggle to find the same interests.... she is really spiritual, and i am factual... i am very logical (nerd) and she is a floating butterfly.... 

passions? our children
hobbies? i love sports, she doesnt. she like yoga and art, i dont.

i was embarassed, well for both reasons i guess... i mean, i can bring her to orgasm with my "tools", but maybe it was for both reasons you mention.

what excites me? i dont know... i dont want to say sports, becaus i just love to watch sports... i cant think of anything that REALLY excites me... im a fu-king dud i guess.

i really enjoyed practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, but my wife is so f-ing co-dependent that everytime i went it was like the end of the world for her... 

sometimes i just go to the store for, whatever, and she gives me the fatlip like im never coming home... what the hell is up with that?



dobo said:


> Are you depressed?
> 
> There's nothing wrong with being social opposites so long as there are things that you share. Is there nothing that you share? Don't you have shared interests or passions?
> 
> ...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Your wife is co-dependent but she's the one who is the social butterfly. This makes no sense. 

I say get back into Jiu Jitsu. Get into a doctor and talk and maybe see a shrink. Figure out what's wrong.

Also, yoga is not exactly a sport but you'd be surprised at how good it feels and how demanding it can be. Plus, you could be in a class with a bunch of young women. ;-) Consider it?

I think whatever her problem is with you going out you're going to have to face it and deal with it and knock it out. It could be part of what is making you depressed (or void or empty). You're not free to be who you really are because her needs/desires/neuroses are given priority over yours.

Neither partner should lose themself for the other. It isn't healthy. And since the person fell in love with you (allegedly) for who you were at that time, this gradual killing off of that person makes no sense but is guaranteed to kill the relationship.


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## ageironynot (Aug 14, 2009)

It makes perfect sense (not to sound mean).

when we go out, its he wanting to talk to every freaking person in the room... who she can get to like her. and who she can end up being friends with.

with me, her co-dependency, can be almost scary.
for YEEEEARS... every day i came home from work, it was "which girls were flirting with you today"...

she used to say she misses me, when im sitting right next to her...





dobo said:


> Your wife is co-dependent but she's the
> 
> one who is the social butterfly. This makes no sense.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She sounds immature.

Regardless, you have to have your own life and interests regardless of her problems. She needs to address them or they'll make her impossible to live with. Tell her!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

"she used to say she misses me, when im sitting right next to her..."

That's code for "I know we're not connecting."

It really is possible to miss someone emotionally even though they're next to you physically.

Also, I'm wondering if you understand what codependency really is. Because I don't see codependency in your description.

I see a girl who doesn't know how to connect to you and who appears to have a very limited capacity to branch out into something of greater depth. Shallow? Not very bright? I don't know.

Why did you marry her? What did you see in her? Just looks?


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## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

You should continue going out to Jiu Jitsu... ignore her wounded lower lip and tell her (don't ask... I HATE it when grown men ask their wives for permission. I'm not your mom!) Tell her you need one night a week to go practice Jiu Jitsu... what night works better for her, Tue or Thur? (Since you have kids together you do have to work out childcare)

If it's the only thing that brings you any joy or excitement... you have to continue that. You'll be surprised how much easier the other problems look like when you're getting time to do something you enjoy.

As far as the vibrator... i don't know. Now I'm worried about that with my husband. Sometimes he uses it on me, sometimes not. I never thought that he would feel embarrassed or disgusted by it. I've never kept count of how many are from his "tools" and how many are not. I'll think about that.


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

A suggestion--read the book "Bridges of Madison County"

Why? Because you don't want to be Richard Johnson in that book--a nice but boring and emotionally unattached husband. And the wife has an affair to fulfill that need. The book is much more nuanced than the movie (with Clint Eastwood and Merryl Streep).

Say that book is rubbish? Fifty million copies sold!!! I bet most of them are to women. It strucks a chord in that demographics base. If it didn't, it wouldn't have been such an smashing success and sold 50 mil copies.

You'd get more out of that book than what can be reasonably discussed here.

You did say you are logical.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

ageironynot said:


> It makes perfect sense (not to sound mean).
> 
> when we go out, its he wanting to talk to every freaking person in the room... who she can get to like her. and who she can end up being friends with.
> 
> ...


Uhm, does it perhaps bother you that she's not such a social butterfly with you? You get to see her smile at people, talk to them and find them exciting. Maybe you are bothered because she doesn't act like she finds you exciting and new anymore? That even for sex she can replace you with a toy if she needs to?

Yes, 'I miss you' when she is next to you means she doesn't feel all fuzzy inside and close to you emotionally. She probably sees you as too dis-interested in her. 


> I see a girl who doesn't know how to connect to you and who appears to have a very limited capacity to branch out into something of greater depth. Shallow? Not very bright? I don't know.


Said it better than i ever could.
Also, since she's such a social butterfly, she obviously makes people laugh and feel good about themselves. When she fails to do that with you, she doesn't understand why (could jump to the conclusion that you don't like her anymore...and that can lead to her being insecure).
Just the way i see it.


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