# Feeling indifferent... guess it's too late



## Anonny123

Hi All,

So my husband has been sitting w me at the dinner table until I am finished (usually gets up right ater eating - 10 mins max). He's made an appt to go see a therapist. Does things around the house that I normally do. I know he wants to change and it looks like he really wants to save our marriage but I feel indifferent. 

I've come to realize that my feelings for him have changed as a result of all his lies and taking advantage of me, our marriage and my trust. NOW he's willing to change b/c he knows there's a very good chance that I am going to leave him. All the other times I guess he never thought I was serious.

I really think my love and respect for him died out a while ago (probably 2-3yrs ago). I should be happy that he's seeking therapy but feel indifferent. I feel like it's just too late (for him). 

Is this my "epiphany"?


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## CLucas976

A while ago, my husband "decided" that since he quit going to school (litterally stopped showing up), and just spent the time he would have spent at school at the mall, at the beach, running my credit card up $300 he was going to right his wrong.

He was going to join the military, which will pay back student loans supposedly (we now have $40,000 worth of them for nothing) and quit getting stoned, get into shape, and he was going to be a marine he "wanted" it.

I was indifferent..do you know why? because out of the past 5 years I have seen him "want" so many things that were going to better our life, take care of something he needed to etc etc. all of which were great stories, but in reality, just lies.

I think that your feeling of indifference, is you certainty that its not going to last long. its that you know better already.

what you do with that, is completely up to you. My husband makes a real job out of making it look sincere and like he means it, he has great showmanship. He just never follows through..ever.

So, perhaps your husband will change, but your indifference is coming from your certainty that he won't. (I think anyhow, we seem to have similarities in our spouses)


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## Anonny123

Thanks for the reply CL. You make a good point - sounds like my mind is made up already. The other thing is that my feelings towards him have changed. I do not love him like I used to... that seems to have dimminished over time.

What would you suggest I do?


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## CLucas976

I would suggest you do what you feel is right, and take care of yourself.

My mom taught me one lesson in life (other than not to have children ) "In this world, all you have is yourself, and when everything falls apart around you, you have to make sure when the dust clears, you're standing on top of the rubble."

What have I done? The exact opposite, and I can tell you, it didn't get better. It's not better, and it won't be better. I told myself that if his last show was actually real, and not just to shut me up, I would stay, but if he screwed it up, I'd be done.

well, you can guess that he "whole heartedly" meant to go ahead and do it, but didn't. and here I am still. Miserable, and kicking myself.

I suggest you think about what you really want, and what you are really capable of in the situation. I know myself, I can never love my husband the way that I used to..I can't. I don't want to be here in this situation, I want to move on and forward. I wanted it to be with him, but at times, you have to go on alone.

So really, it's up to you, but whatever your move is, make it for you..and not for him, or for the relationship. Seeing as how Im much better at giving advice than taking my own, thats the best I can come up with. Don't do what I did/do, do whats actually right for you.


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## JustAGirl

Just remember::Life is short::

Do whatever you can to be happy!


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## Anonny123

CLucas976 said:


> I suggest you think about what you really want, and what you are really capable of in the situation. I know myself, I can never love my husband the way that I used to..I can't. I don't want to be here in this situation, I want to move on and forward. I wanted it to be with him, but at times, you have to go on alone.
> 
> So really, it's up to you, but whatever your move is, make it for you..and not for him, or for the relationship. Seeing as how Im much better at giving advice than taking my own, thats the best I can come up with. Don't do what I did/do, do whats actually right for you.


CL you offer such great perspective. I know my feelings towards my husband have changed. I feel like his companion, his roomate, even his mother/sister at times. I love him as a person but not as my partner in life, my soulmate, the only one for me. Guess I started feeling this way after realizing how can he love ME if he did all of those things? If he was in love with me, he wouldn't of involved himself in all of those situations throughtout the years, he wouldn't have kept thinsg hidden from me. I know that whatever I do will be for me not him, not our marriage, not for someone else - FOR ME only. 

Don't get down on yourself for feeling you only dish out the advice and never take your own. I was liek that for years. One day you will be able to take your own - trust me - that's where I'm at now.


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## CLucas976

Anonny123 said:


> CL you offer such great perspective. I know my feelings towards my husband have changed. I feel like his companion, his roomate, even his mother/sister at times. I love him as a person but not as my partner in life, my soulmate, the only one for me. Guess I started feeling this way after realizing *how can he love ME if he did all of those things?* If he was in love with me, he wouldn't of involved himself in all of those situations throughtout the years, he wouldn't have kept thinsg hidden from me. I know that whatever I do will be for me not him, not our marriage, not for someone else - FOR ME only.
> 
> Don't get down on yourself for feeling you only dish out the advice and never take your own. I was liek that for years. One day you will be able to take your own - trust me - that's where I'm at now.



Out of curiosity, have you ever asked your spouse this question? (the bolded one)

I have. I do often, everytime I hear something new he's said to our coworkers about me. He shrugs it off as Im blowing it out of proportion, taking it wrong, he didn't mean it that way etc.. I've also gotten "I don't know" "I wasn't thinking" or "I didn't think you'd find out" 

kind of curious to see if you've gotten similar responses..


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## Anonny123

CL, I've never really asked him that exactly but anytime I asked why he did something its always "I don't know why" or "I didn't think it was a big deal" or "I don't remember" - great answers, huh?

He recently told me he hopes therapy helps him figure out why he talks to girls...

This weekend I threw something else in his face (I forgot I found Viagra stashed w his sterioids) - his answer: "I got it for a friend" when asked who he told me and it's a young guy. I asked what he could possibly need that for he started getting mad and said "I don't know why don't you call him and ask him" - I asked where he got it he said his cousin so I accussed him of dealing drugs for his cousin he got all irrate and said I'm not going to believe him anyway. Well this Viagra magically disappeared over the summer (I found it late spring) he says he didnt remember he had it nor does he remember getting rid of it - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Did it magically disappear? I swear I feel I am married to a teenage boy or at times that I am interrogating an accused criminal!


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## CLucas976

ha, I know the feeling, believe me. At least it was only viagara. I've found worse to the same types of responses.

I totally feel like a mom most of the time, clean up, boost the ego, take care of everything, feed, etc. and I can't even get a ride home on time from work..when he lost both sets of the keys to my only car. (we work opposite shifts, so we have A car to share and have to give each other rides)


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## Anonny123

Oh I have found worse CL - ecstasy in the laundry, steriods in his car - steriods I know are his but there is so much of it yet he denies selling or being a middle man. Ecstasy - "I was holding it for a friend" ... give me a break!


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