# Competition with the AP even in R



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

How many BS are in some sort of competition with the AP when they are in R? Honestly….I know all of the CWI speak about creating a new marriage and standard answers but I’m interested in how many of us REALLY try to be better than the AP.

Example, you didn’t do certain sexual things, now you go all out. You lose weight because you were motivated by how the other person looked (but say it’s about being healthy). You pay more attention to things your WS shared they liked about the AP. Before you could care less about some of their interests, now you are totally interested in everything. Do you find yourself trying to be “better” than AP in always?

I know we all say the AP is nothing (rightfully so) and we are above them but does the competitive part kick in, even when they (the AP) may have moved on to someone else or just away from our WS? My husband broke up with his AP and I still wonder months later does he regret it, did he stay for our daughter when he says he is here for me. I was not happy at all way before he got involved with her but as soon as I began to suspect he was cheating, I kind of forgot I was unhappy too and focused on making him happy when he was out having an affair. Now I am trying to be my best self and wife for us to have a chance but still feel like there are things about her I can never be.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I think its human nature, advertisers do it all the time copy or mimic sucessful ad campaigns. No cheating is not sucessful but we all do (well maybe just me) wonder what the OP had that drew interest and want to copy that a little.
No matter what anyone says it seems like the BS is the one who must change the most to make the WS happy or do what we think will make them happy, the WS well the main thing they must do is keep their fu*king clothes on. 
Heavy lifting or whatever you call it happens and the WS should be responsible for most of it. I wasn't that unhappy with my spouse before all this maybe it was apathy but I thought over all we got along fairly well so her making lots of changes in our relationship weren't really needed. She has stopped going out with work people (didn't cheat with anyone from work) except on sponsored company function and then I can go most of the time and she checks in whenever she goes anywhere.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Asia,

This is part of the double-edged sword for the WS. They had the affair, inflicted the damage on the BS, and then they get to enjoy a "better" partner due to your self-improvement.

It becomes a source of resentment. It certainly is not fair.

I think it can become the time bomb for the relationship. It is reflected in the idea that there needs to be "heavy lifting" to restore the relationship.

Sounds like you are similar to me, and probably most BSs. We look deeply into our souls to analyze our faults and wonder why we failed to keep our WS from straying.

The WS may blame us, tell us what we did wrong, or let us know that they were not attracted to us anymore.

Truth is that they are the broken party. They failed. They broke vows. They lied. They cheated.

I think that this realization is what eventually causes the BS to detach and D after a time of trying to R.

The irony is that the WS usually thinks things are getting better when it does happen.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm a perfect examble of competing with my FWW old AP's.

I started sobering up, dressing up, wearing cologen, and lifting weights.

And when it came to sex I even upped my game in that department. I switched around the kissing, sometimes short, sometimes long drawn out kisses. Put my MO is usually rough and hard with little kissing, so I did change my game plan. a lot less spanking/hair pulling and more kissing and suduction.



Sure I was told I was rewarding my wife, but after years of slapping her around and her sleeping around, we both figured it was now or never and it was time to start behaving like we were married and cared about each other.


So with regards to competing......damb straight I was competing, it was my ego that had to prove to my self that I was way better then any of those swinging penis'.

Keep in mind we never really acted like we had a marriage, a decade went by were we never cared about each other....it wasn't until later that we worked on our selves as individuals, and that we saw what the other had to offer and desided it was time to behave as a healthy married couple.

Even in the worst of times we where always sexually compatable to some degree in the end it was the emotional competetion that I would need to compete with. And when you set your mind to something and the other person is hugely responsive, then we both reap the rewards for the changes we make as individuals and not so much competing anymore.

Hystercial bonding after d-day was what I think was the glue that keep us together, having witness her submission that I hadn't seen in a decade, was back.
And now that it continues and we have the tools to have a healthy marriage, its no longer is about competition but meeting each other needs and staying emotionally healthy as individuals.

As long as we keep working on our selves, there is no need to compete, its rewarding to share our lives. We had a wedding 23 years ago. This March will be our 3rd anni of actually behaving like we are married!

3 years after d-day we are both at a point were we know each others capicities, [her] "if I want to hit women then go find another women to slapp around". [me] "if you want to phuck other guys then go find another guy".....we are both done competing for each other love. WE RESPECT OUR SELVES AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN MOVE ON!!!!!!!!

Again as individual we are much better off then we were 20 years ago. and if there is any compitition its with our selves to be better then we were in the past.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

you didn’t do certain sexual things, now you go all out. You lose weight because you were motivated by how the other person looked (but say it’s about being healthy). You pay more attention to things your WS shared they liked about the AP. Before you could care less about some of their interests, now you are totally interested in everything. QUOTE]

Thats why I always say one should do these things BEFORE, in order to prevent an affair and keep yor spouse attracted and connected to you. Sometimes we take our vows for granted and expect them to be enough to keep the flame alive. They won't. It's good that you are now paying more attention to your shape, spicying up your sex life and sharing things together. It should not be about competing with the AP, but because you understood that staying in love takes WORK. 

On the other hand, doing all of the above AFTER they had an affair, is like giving them a medal for "good" behavior. It teaches them that they can "educate" you into being a better spouse by scaring you with an affair. I'm not saying you should not do these things, for you should...but so should HE. Is he making any efforts to win you back? coz after an affair he should be begging forgiveness and spoil you...not the other way around.
Make sure he doesn't take you for granted and tell him openly what you expect of him, and how can he help you overcome this painful episode.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> you didn’t do certain sexual things, now you go all out. You lose weight because you were motivated by how the other person looked (but say it’s about being healthy). You pay more attention to things your WS shared they liked about the AP. Before you could care less about some of their interests, now you are totally interested in everything. QUOTE]
> 
> Thats why I always say one should do these things BEFORE, in order to prevent an affair and keep yor spouse attracted and connected to you. Sometimes we take our vows for granted and expect them to be enough to keep the flame alive. They won't. It's good that you are now paying more attention to your shape, spicying up your sex life and sharing things together. It should not be about competing with the AP, but because you understood that staying in love takes WORK.
> 
> ...


I did some of these macho things during my hysterical bonding period, which lasted a couple of months; but not so much now.

I understand the sex rank and affair proofing stuff and intellectually I know it's valid. But I know what you're saying about it seeming as though you're "rewarding" their bad behavior. I've simply lost the motivation to be something other than myself as the affair finally sunk in my thick skull.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not tying to be an a-hole, but honestly I feel she should be the one in competition. Competition to prove to me that she is worthy of deserving R after what she did.

Don't expect I'll feel like that forever, at least I hope not.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Badmemory, I hope you won't feel like this forever too. It's an agony. I fully understand the pain a BS feels and that it takes time to heal. But if the WS is repentant and you really want to keep the marriage, staying too long in the "I'm hurt and I'm punishing you " mode seems like drama-making to me. Like, you forgive me or not ? I wouldn't stay to be castigated for years and be reminded how badly I screwed up at every step. I'm talking about REAL R, where NC is being kept and the WS is truly remorseful and recommited to the marriage. Holding up the grudge for years, denying them sex and affection as a method of long time punishment , I don't see the point in this. You wanna move forward or you don't.

The delicate issue is : if you act lovingly, and become a better spouse to the WS after an affair, risks making it feel like a reward for them. They ate their cake and got a loving, more attentive spouse, who learnt the "lesson". Behaving cold and "punishing" , is as damaging because it denies reconnection. 

So, I guess the line should be in the middle, a mix of hot and cold...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Lovemytruck said:


> Asia,
> 
> and probably most BSs. We look deeply into our souls to analyze our faults and wonder why we failed to keep our WS from straying.
> 
> .


:iagree:
probably most spouse have not the same perspective as I have. If thing were different in my case, the deciet my wife showed would have been a deal breaker, but I can't get over the deciet I showed my FWW by letting her go in a manner that I did.

In short is was easier for me to stay married by not giving a crap about my wife straying, it just gave me more ammunition to treat her the way that I did. 

Her boytoy's were my only way to not be married even though we were married.

In the end of the day the both of you should be competing for this marriage to work....

Her with her own submission you need to regain trust. You, in having an ego that will help build your self esteem.

The end game here is if your old lady is still in contact with OM then no way in hell can you compete, but if this is a true R your instinct to compete will serve you well. I think it rebuilds the connections chicks dig.

*I think when it comes to compitition in general it shows a sense of confidence that tells you and others that you are better.*


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Holding up the grudge fo years, *denying them sex* and affection as a method of long punishment , I don't see the point in this. You wanna move forward or you don't.
> 
> The delicate issue is : if you act lovingly, and become a better spouse to the WS after an affair, risks making it feel like a reward for them. They ate their cake and got a loving, more attentive spouse, who learnt the "lesson". Behaving cold and "punishing" , is as damaging because it denies reconnection.
> 
> So, I guess the line should be in the middle, a mix of hot and cold...


Oh not to worry, I'm definitely not denying her sex. The affection is harder though. I'd say I am somewhere on that line in the middle you mention - for now.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Becoming a better spouse........in some cases is a punishment for a wayward.
Becoming a better spouse means becoming a emotionally healthier individual.
Then its up to the wayward to deal with a mentally stronger/healthier spouse and either reap the rewards or bail and look for another victom to decieve.

If a wayward is truelly remorseful, then the punishment is a reward.

In some cases of infidelity the wayward is disgusted with them selves and are guilt ridden. taking the wayward to the basement for some punishment might help all the way around!

I think the emotional punishment is there for a truely remorseful wayward, but at the end of the day with out consequences bad behavior continues. So with that said be it an unremorseful wayward spouse who faces divorce or a remorseful wayward spouse that faces a spanking...... the punishment is in the eye of the beholder, get the punishment over with ASAP and the move on.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

No. I'm not going to play that game. I'm not going to compete with anyone for my sanity. If the AP is something that's still on the table...well that table can go out the door with her.


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## StarGazer101 (Jan 26, 2013)

Sometimes it helps to just stand back and laugh at complete patheticness (is that even a word?) of them :smthumbup:


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

StarGazer101 said:


> Sometimes it helps to just stand back and laugh at complete patheticness (is that even a word?) of them :smthumbup:


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Which one are you referring to as pathetic? The WS or AP?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StarGazer101 (Jan 26, 2013)

Both

I am a BS ...for a while it bothered me. But I've come to realise that it's not a competition with a fantasy. They had their thing, sneaking around in the shadows. I'm not the one with the problem


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

StarGazer101 said:


> Both
> 
> I am a BS ...for a while it bothered me. But I've come to realise that it's not a competition with a fantasy. They had their thing, sneaking around in the shadows. * I'm not the one with the problem*


Perfect attitude!

With marriage come both perks and responsibilities. Competition with others is not in this mix. 

Not needing to compete is a perk. 
Avoiding the need for competition is a responsibilityl


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