# my story



## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

I am a man who has been married to my wife for 9 years. She is a doctor. I have bipolar but it has been under control, although in the past i had been depressed a lot. We had been doing pretty well the first 5 years of our marriage but medical residency along with kids was very hard on us during the last 4 years. She was co-chief resident with the man she has been cheating on me with for 3 years. It is tough in residency and with kids because she naturally spends more time with people like that. She is in love with him and has been checked out of our relationship for 3 years she says. 

after residency we moved to where she practiced and he is halfway across the united states. She flies to see him and I thought it was ok because she told me she suspected he was gay. She has a lot of gay friends and I thought nothing of it. she told me a couple of weeks ago. She says she will keep seeing him. and that she did cheat because she was unhappy with me for the past 4 years. That is understandable that i was making her unhappy. Kids were so hard on me that I couldn't focus on her. Things are better now because the kids are 4 and 1 and a half and we are spending more time together.

But we have talked about what i do that makes her unhappy and I have totally started to work on that. I am committed to making us work because I feel we can still work and because of my kids. Either way we will still live together because of her income and our debt and my not having an ability to easily finance things on my own. I am preparing though by taking school just in case.

but she says she doesn't think she will end up with him and that she still loves me but she is not in love with me. But that she wants to be happy. And that we can start over and be friends because she feels we don't do much together and don't even feel like friends only companions. but she says she does want to end up with me again, only that she doesn't think we can because she has seen me make her unhappy for a while.

She says she will take a break from him for a month and 3/4. but its a really long distance relationship and I think we can still work. She thinks we may if things change but she says she has been unhappy for so long that she isn't going to drop him until she knows i can make her happy. She says him and her likely won't work out for a number of reasons, such as he wants 3 more kids and she wants no more and other things, but she said he is making her happy like I wasn't and treating her better in certain ways such aslistening and caring what she has to say and so forth

So i don't excuse what she did but I am making changes I think she likes and I think we can end up together..

I have been guilty of playing videogames too much and not making love to her in bed just treating it as sex and not much else. as well as plenty of other things. I was inattentive to her. But now i am ready to be because I feel like knowing this was a near death experience and I am so much happier in the sense of not being addicted to things like videogames and having so much fun with her. just like the first 5 years of our marriage.

She said it is making her happier but she wants to see it over a period of time and it may take a lot of time because she was checked out for 3 years.

She will probably go see him for a week on jan 25 but she rarely sees him although she did skype once a week.

But i feel like I like our chances of getting completely back together. she says if it happens she won't cheat again. I believe her because I don't see her as a serial cheater. I am ready to listen to hear and treat her better. My therapist says things like this happen in a relationship that has been around for this long if people get too comfortable and don't keep on top of working on the relationship. And she apparently told me numerous times she was unhappy and I didn't listen. but now i am and I hope things work out.

she has not let me touch her or have sex with her since one time since she told me. but she says she will if she is ready too. I think she will but it is hard and knowing it will take time is hard.

Anybody have any advice on this story? Has anyone been through a similar situation that has worked out? I really feel it will if i do what i need to do but I would like some advice on how to do what I'm going to do. because I do want to do this but I want to make sure I go about it the right way.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

STOP, you are handling this 100% wrong.

You're being played by her. She is the one who chose to cheat - she is wanting to cake eat (have him as her lover, while you take care of the house and her kids.), and she has twisted her reasons to cheat around to where you actually think:

1. It is your fault she cheated; that you should change or she is entitled to do it again;

2. that she can continue in contact with him; 

3.that you should be competing with him to win her back.

Wow. Let's try this another way:

1. She decides right no - end her cheating - or she leaves and you will file for divorce. 

2. You will not compete with another man to win her affections. she is either in the marriage to make it work, or she is gone. btw - you cannot compete with him. He has no kids, he has no day-day responsibilities etc with her. He is free to be Mr.Fantasy guy, while you're stuck being the husband and father. You cannot compete.

3. She WILL have no contact with him. None. No skype, text, email and certainly not going to see him.

4. You will not be threatened or blackmailed into giving her permission to cheat. That makes you a cuckold. Are you a cuckold?

Look at this point, she is already gone. she's cut you off from sex - because that belongs to him now. She won't even let you touch her, that belongs to him too. 

You've already completely lost her respect by the way you've accepted her terms and demands. 

Seriously - she has told you she has a lover and she's going to keep seeing him,and you'd better just accept it! 

Consider her reaction if you said that to her.

You need to play hardball here and stand up to her. You've already lost her. Being a push over like you have, has gotten you to where you are at now. If you keep being a doormat it will only keep getting you more of the same.

Draw the line, and if she refuses then get to a lawyer and file.

Expose to her family and friends that she is cheating.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

this guy will get burned


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

I was under the impression doctors were healers, not the causes of pain and anguish... go figure???


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Until you realize that you had nothing to do with her choice to cheat and that you are not at all responsible for "making her happY'. you will not be able to combat this affair.
Your wife has a huge sense of entitlement. She expects you to make her happy and she sees nothing wrong ioth breaking her vows to pursue what she wants.
As long as you lay down ad allow her to plce this all on you, you will do everything wrong. She needs to be exposed. The OM needs to be exposed. You need to stop groveling.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

I do feel like i cannot compete with him. I feel like since she is taking a break from him maybe i can try and work on this. If at the end she is going to go to him i may tell her I am going to expose her if she does.

She did say she wouldn't blame me if I divorced her she said I'm free to if I want. She didn't say it was my fault for this she just said that is why she was unhappy.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if divorce doesn't scare her then you've lost her

see a lawyer


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Dude, you're a push-over, and she's pushing you until you fall off the marriage cliff.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Choice A... Be a "kept" man. Of course thats temporary. She will eventually lose what tiny sliver of respect she has left for you and her disgust for you will soon outweight your usefullness. She will "trade up" to a "real man"... She deserves better than you, just ask her. This will be a disaster. Good news is, you will likely get generous alimony

Choice B... Lay down the hammer, swiftly and mercilessly. Listen closely to what advice you will get here. Ask to borrow your W's balls... and see if you can rent or lease a spine and some self respect.... Get ready for a long tough journey, the good news is this is the path to recovering your marriage and your manhood. The bad news is... This is the path to recovering your marraige. It will not be easy.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Make sure you go for as much as possible in the divorce-cutody, maintenance, child support.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

GO talk to a lawyer ASAP and set things in motion.

she's already gone. She's just too much of a coward to be the one to file. BTW, since she's a coward - exposure will hit her, and make her deal with the cruel way she's handling this whole thing.

File for divorce, and ask for both primary custody, child, and spousal support. A good divorce lawyer should love going after a doctor's earnings, especially since you've been there through her going to school. 

She sounds like an incredibly selfish and entitled *****. Why would you want her to even come back.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

I would leave her immediately if I knew for sure she was never coming back. But I feel like we are still possible. Very possible. It feels more complex than I would imagine most cheating. If I figure out we aren't I'm probably done. Maybe my thinking down the road will change. But I just think he is temporary until I can figure out if we can be good together. She has basically said that in certain ways. If that makes me a pushover, I guess so. But staying here with my kids is better for right now. Plus the fact that the lawyer says I should go back to school if I can just stay with this situation for the kids so if I finally divorce a while from now I will have more to support myself when it finally happens. When she takes a break we will find out for sure if we can work out. I think. If not I will probably go back to the lawyer to start things.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Everyone thinks their case is special. This is a routine case where a high wage earner is looking for what she percieves to be an upgrade. While she looks/shops, you man the homefront.
You are better than that. Place some value on yourself.

And, what you may be failing to appreciate is that outside of this tragedy that is happening to you, you are in a much stronger position than the vast majority of men who are victims of this.
Presumably, you are the primary caregiver. You have subsidized your wif's entry into a relatively lucrative profession. You are financially dependent on her.
You have a lot of things going for you in terms of getting some $$ and custody WHEN she decides to jettison you.
Start planning for divorce. Consult an attorney.
And, I might add, I am really sorry that you have had to go through this. it is very traumatic and sucks. We understand that and sympathize.
See your doc. Take care of you for a change.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

looking for help said:


> the lawyer says I should go back to school if I can just stay with this situation for the kids so if I finally divorce a while from now I will have more to support myself when it finally happens.


I hate to say this but I agree. 

If you can "switch off" and you set out on a mission to maximize the financial gains you (and your children) would enjoy from her behavior.... Do it. 

As long as you can keep your head outta la-la-land, document EVERYTHING and stay the course... That's the ticket.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

looking for help said:


> I would leave her immediately if I knew for sure she was never coming back. But I feel like we are still possible. Very possible. It feels more complex than I would imagine most cheating. If I figure out we aren't I'm probably done. Maybe my thinking down the road will change. But I just think he is temporary until I can figure out if we can be good together. She has basically said that in certain ways. If that makes me a pushover, I guess so. But staying here with my kids is better for right now. Plus the fact that the lawyer says I should go back to school if I can just stay with this situation for the kids so if I finally divorce a while from now I will have more to support myself when it finally happens. When she takes a break we will find out for sure if we can work out. I think. If not I will probably go back to the lawyer to start things.



wow! 

You really really need to stop talking yourself into things like this - you keep rationalizing her cheating, rationalizing you doing nothing about etc, except hoping she'll decide to stop.

I'm not saying this to be mean but.... do you still have any spine or self pride left inside? 

Have you thought that she finds him more attractive than you because he's not the push over you are?

Look - she is a doctor. You have been married to her for years,and helped build her career. Unless you have a pre-nup, then if you get divorced you are entitled to share in the asset which is her degree and practice. 

Think of it like this - the two of you have a family business which you've both been part of building. It's her, and it's a valued asset which lawyers can put a price on. If the marriage ends, you are entitled to take your share of business.

Go after that.

If there is a disparity in your incomes, she will owe you spousal support - the amount and duration varies with where you live.

You are not the one to move out or leave. She is the one who has already broken the marriage contract AND to your face told you she is going to again at will.

You really think someone who could look you in the eye and tell you that they're continuing on with their lover and that's that - has any respect or any love left for you? 

Please find your spine. Please find your anger and use it motivate you.

Read up on the 180 here on this site, as well as No More Mr.Nice guy - cause you really really need to change your approach and stop being a door mat.

Maybe if she sees you being man enough to stand up to her, she might someday respect you again. But until she does you haven't got a chance.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

You're rugsweeping.

Its almost as if you're in awe of her, and the prestige her profession holds.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

this just sucks because I still have so much fun with her and I feel like we can be together. I don't feel like she feels he is an upgrade just someone who can make her happy for now. I really do feel like if I can make her happy she will ditch him and stay with me and never cheat again. I have had a lot of problems with things and I am doing them like never before easily because I don't care about things like videogames as much. I don't feel addicted to them and stupid things like that. So even if I don't get her back I feel like I will be a better person for someone else. And I feel like right now I can't do that if I'm not here. Because I would just miss her so much. I really do think given some time and me paying more attention to her she will fall back in love with me because that is what I was like before we got too comfortable. She told me if I can make her happy she would immediately ditch him because she really wants to be with me but she has just not been convinced for the past few years that I can. I would just hate to give up until I'm sure.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

blameshifting

it's when a cheater blames you or what you do in the marriage for their cheating instead of the plain truth that they are being extremely selfish and hurtful

she is doing that

you did NOTHING to make her cheat or choose him

UNDERSTAND THAT before doing anything else

She is in what is called a fog, she will do anything and everything to protect her affair


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

I don't feel like I'm rationalizing her cheating. It was wrong and I'm not happy about it. But it doesn't change the fact that I wasn't making her happy. And if thats all she needs to stay with me then I can stop being so caught up in videogames and all that other stuff. If not at least I will be a better man that doesn't do all that stuff all the time when I'm ready to divorce. Because I'm making the rest of my life better by bettering myself. I feel being in this situation and knowing I will need to do better with this stuff if I divorce for my next relationship I feel like I want to stay status quo so I can be sure I'm better with these changes and getting my 4 year degree.

She did say this is not about him to her. She said she is in love with him but she said she would dump him immediately if she determines she can be happy with me. I still have so much fun with her since then and we are doing better with that stuff because we are getting to spend more time together, and I would hate to divorce without finding out for sure if we could work out.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

looking for help said:


> I don't feel like I'm rationalizing her cheating. It was wrong and I'm not happy about it. But it doesn't change the fact that I wasn't making her happy. *And if thats all she needs to stay with me* then I can stop being so caught up in videogames and all that other stuff. If not at least I will be a better man that doesn't do all that stuff all the time when I'm ready to divorce. Because I'm making the rest of my life better by bettering myself. I feel being in this situation and knowing I will need to do better with this stuff if I divorce for my next relationship I feel like I want to stay status quo so I can be sure I'm better with these changes and getting my 4 year degree.
> 
> *She did say this is not about him to her. She said she is in love with him but she said she would dump him immediately if she determines she can be happy with me. * I still have so much fun with her since then and we are doing better with that stuff because we are getting to spend more time together, and I would hate to divorce without finding out for sure if we could work out.


but it won't be enough for her to stay with you

you can be the best hubby in the world and she won't stay with you 

trust me when I say this

her statement is complete and utter BS and a perfect example of cake eating

unless she agrees to ending the affair first, have no contact whatsoever, and start showing remorse and transparency then you will never save the marriage


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BS. This is entirely about him to her. It is that she has chosen and is choosing to pursue a romantic emotional and physical relationship with him.

If she put that same energy into the marriage - it wouldn't be like it is today.

And stop accepting her gas lighting. Repeat after me: There is never an acceptable reason or situation to choose to cheat. Never.

Look, I guarantee that her current attitude and your current reaction WILL lead to divorce, or to you continuing to be a cuckold. 

If you don't like either of those outcomes then change your game plan today. 

In every case of infidelity - there can be no hope of reconciliation until the affair: Emotional and Physical ends. 

So long as she is continuing to invest in the affair - your marriage is done.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I think your reluctance to file for D is from your fear of losing her income and the comfortable living you have come to enjoy. For this, she lost her respect for you and you want to hang on to this lifestyle no matter what. 

Like your lawyer suggested, why don't you either get a job or go back to school? If you had been the main caregiver for the children, the chances are high that you will get more favorable custody and therefore CS from your W in the event of D. And, even some alimony. 

Her saying thaf if you make her happy she will come back to you is an utter nonsense. She says she doesn't see any realistic future with OM, but this is not unusual. Many WW feels the same way too, especially when the OM is married. She just wants to keep her status quo with children by keeping you on the side, while having him as her "man" in her heart. 

Have some respect for yourself and try finding some anger in you. From outside looking in, you do know how pathetic you look right now, don't you?


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

I'm not worried about losing her income, because I talked to the lawyer and I should be fine without her financially. I just really feel like we can be happy together in the end. She is taking a break from him. at the end I may threaten to expose both of them if she does decide to go see him rather than stay with me and I may be ready to divorce. I would just hate to wonder what could have been if I make the decision to end it forever without knowing.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> You're rugsweeping.
> 
> Its almost as if you're in awe of her, and the prestige her profession holds.


I'm not in awe of her profession. I am just still madly in love with her and enjoy our time together greatly. Our time together has improved since I have become a better person by doing things I've always wanted to do like ditch videogames 5 nights a week and so forth. So I will be a better person if this does not work out. I just hate that it took this to make me such. But that is why I am staying because if I leave now I will be miserable if I couldn't find out for sure if we would have worked.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Your approach is what is called Plan A. Well, if you can stomach it, you can try this approach. My advice is to not drag it too long. This approach if taken too far will seriously mess you up. 

Also, you should know there are numerous cases of BHs out there who hoped WW would end A voluntarily if he treats her nicely enough and got burned badly in the end. Although there are exceptions, most WWs just cannot pull themselves out of their fog and sever the relationship by themselves, even though they may convince themselves they can.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

I can stomach it for now. I don't think I will let it drag on too long.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

looking for help said:


> I'm not worried about losing her income, because I talked to the lawyer and I should be fine without her financially. I just really feel like we can be happy together in the end. She is taking a break from him. at the end I may threaten to expose both of them if she does decide to go see him rather than stay with me and I may be ready to divorce. I would just hate to wonder what could have been if I make the decision to end it forever without knowing.


If they are still in contact via text, email. and skype - then they aren't taking a break. They just aren't physically meeting up.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

they are not in contact at all during this period


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

looking for help said:


> they are not in contact at all during this period


Be honest...

Why? at least the "why" that she's telling you.... 
Then tell us the "why" you want to believe, and then the _other_ "why" the one that might scare you ? What's your gut tell you?

and please tell us how you know thay are not in contact?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

"She will probably go see him for a week on jan 25 but she rarely sees him although she did skype once a week."

She's been cheating with him for 3 YEARS

She keeps in contact with him, and has recently flown to see him and have sex with him.

Now she's giving you "1 and 3/4 months" to change her mind.

and you think she's not in contact with him? really?

Even if she isn't - you've got a that clock ticking. Do you want to put a calendar up in the kitchen or over the bed with the count down?

Look - she's cheated for 3 years, that means your youngest could easily be his. 

I smell a lot of bad faith here on her part. This sounds entirely like her final "well I tried, so I'm not a bad person for cheating and ending my marriage, cause I tried." final act after which he and she execute their existing plan to be together. 

She'll take the kids and move across the country with them ?

You'll keep the kids and she'll go live her happy fun life with him?


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## Christopher (Dec 9, 2011)

I think you are screwed. I do not understand how on earth you can post your story, hopefully proof-read it and think you aren't bat**** crazy. She is a Dr. and you cannot compose a paragraph correctly. I am not trying to be harsh but I don't see it working out. Ask your wife to hire you a good attorney.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

I'm not proof reading because its a forum and I'm trying to do it in between taking care of two kids.

I will paternity test the youngest child. My gut tells me this is not about her being in love with him. I really feel that we can work out if we both just spend some time together having fun. We really haven't done that much in the past 3 years because she was so busy with work and both of us with kids. 

I know she won't skype him because I know when she is doing that. I know when he texts her as well. If you knew her as well as I do I do believe she wants to stop with him and stay with me but she hasn't believed it would work in the past.


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## jenis (Feb 9, 2011)

I'm so sorry. I can only describe that she has done to you is so cruel, dumping responsibility for this long term affair (3 years? really?) on you, undoubtedly destroying your sense of self worth over this long period. Boxing you in to the point where you are enabling with no real barriers/consequences for her cheating.

The only thing that comes to mind if you do nothing else:

1) Do not feel responsible for her unhappiness or the affair.
2) Do take pride and draw a sense of fullfilment for being the primary caregiver for your children. You may want more in terms of a career, but it's highly likely that nothing will be as rewarding as the time you are spending with your children. You are very lucky to be able to do this.
3) Work on yourself. Whether it's school, working out, volunteering, heck even going out for a walk is a start.
4) Do not let her make you feel bad about something as trivial as playing video games. You are entitled to your likes and what you do on your free time. Yes, moderation and keeping it away for the kids if it's violent or not appropriate is in order.
5) Do strive to be the person you are, not the person your wife would like to define you as or what you believe your wife would like you to be. It's damaging your self worth.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I can't imagine any WW can go cold turkey after 3 yr EA/PA. OP seems way too optimistic for his own good.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

I do take a pride and sense of fulfillment with taking care of the kids. That is another reason why I am trying to make this work. Because I feel like even if the chance is only 50/50 I will take it because I'm holding up ok. 

The thought of even if I get my kids she may take them half of the time does not sit well in my mind. So as long as I feel like we can work and after we work things get back to normal with no more cheating that's one of the main reasons I am doing it.

I am not letting her make me feel bad about videogames. A lot of these things she said made her unhappy also made me unhappy. I was addicted to videogames. I did not like that. I like it now that I only play for small sittings. 

A lot of these things that made her unhappy also mad me unhappy. And it feels a lot easier to change these things right now. So that's part of it as well.

So far I have not done anything I haven't wanted to do, it actually feels good to have more free time after the kids go to bed because I'm not playing video games and trying some of the things we never did together because I have that extra time. Things like that.

I have committed myself to changing these things because I know it makes her unhappy as well as me as well as any woman in a future relationship. So no matter what I feel like I will come out better.

I do not feel responsible for the affair or her unhappiness because she never flat out told me - "you are making me unhappy, make some changes or we are done." So I do not feel guilty, only know that she will have to be happy in order for us to work.


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## Christopher (Dec 9, 2011)

Hey, these are the facts. 

1. She is not happy with you. "Fun stuff/things" is not what she is expecting. I am sure she is smart enough to realize that life isn't a carnival. 

2. She is not going to stop seeing other people. She will locate what she is seeking, trust me. Right now she is waiting on her boyfriend to make a decision. Regardless of that decision , you are not going to win her back. She is either going to be his "prize" or someone else's down the road. 

The other folks on here that are telling you to run are right. Run dude.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

what do some of these abbreviations mean scandinavian? By the way I am optimistic not because I feel we are for sure going to be together, but I feel I have been unhappy for years for not being who I really wanted to be which is what I feel she really wanted in the first place. So I feel I have nothing to lose because I will come out better.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

looking for help said:


> this just sucks because I still have so much fun with her and I feel like we can be together.


What you feel is irrelevant. It’s what she feels that counts and you acting all beta is turning her off. She probably just feels sorry for you and puts up a front to keep you in line. Don’t believe anything she says.


> I don't feel like she feels he is an upgrade just someone who can make her happy for now.


Typical narcissist. Too bad she doesn’t care about you, huh? 


> I really do feel like if I can make her happy she will ditch him and stay with me and never cheat again.


This is a bit delusional.
YOU CAN NOT COMPETE WITH THE AFFAIR.
The third time my W left, we were in MC and she said I was the perfect husband and she was crying the entire time. She couldn’t say one bad thing about me or the M. One week later she was telling the OM she couldn’t wait to be Mrs. OM. Affairs are irrational and addictions and there no possible way you are going to “nice” her back. It just doesn’t work that way. All you’ve done is enable her A to continue. 


> And I feel like right now I can't do that if I'm not here. Because I would just miss her so much.


You are not doing it for her, you are doing it for yourself.


> I really do think given some time and me paying more attention to her she will fall back in love with me because that is what I was like before we got too comfortable.


Sorry, you’re wrong. I thought this too as many others on her have and we paid for our mistakes. Human nature says we want what we can’t have and we don’t appreciate what comes easy. I know you really, really, want this to work but only the “Tough Love” approach seems to be most effective method in getting them to come around. 


> She told me if I can make her happy she would immediately ditch him because she really wants to be with me but she has just not been convinced for the past few years that I can. I would just hate to give up until I'm sure.


She’s setting you up for failure.

What about making YOU happy. Ask yourself this, she cheats on you then requires you to be a better husband to make her stop, does that seem fair?

Why are you REWARDING her for cheating on you?
She gets to screw another guy on the side and her punishment is her husband kissing her ass for it? 

And what do you get? Why you get to stay with an unfaithful wife until she gets bored again!

Look at this from an outside point of view. You are getting screwed in this deal. It’s win-win for her and you lose. 

The only real method to get her to dump the OM and want you back is for you to dump HER. Remember about wanting what we can’t have? If she can have the OM but not you she will be more attracted to you again. She will want to be with the person she fears she will lose the most.

You need to stand up for yourself to earn her respect back. You are not benefiting from this arrangement so you need to move forward to end it and see if she tries to stop you. You will not have a real M until she is back 100% and she won't do that until you force her hand and try to leave her.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

You seem to put too much stock in your part in this with video game addition and what not, as if once you change those aspects she would just magically come back. The hard truth is even though those may have contributed to her A, once she is in it, she cannot get out of it so easily. Do not underestimate the emotional connection woman cherishes in relationship. The pure addictiveness of it.

From this point on, you can be the most perfect H in the world, but that may well not be enough. EA is a powerful addiction especially to women. I just want you to know.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

click the newbie link in my signature for terms and abbreviations


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If I were your wife I' d probably cheat on you too.
At the very least I'd leave you.

No, on second thought I'd exactly what she's doing.
Nannies are expensive and you fill the position nicely.

Women are attracted to men.
Men don't allow their women another man on the side while letting her treat them like the help.

Grow some balls, leave your "wife", stop being a cuckold.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I need the answers to the questions I asked about what she told you was the reason for the 7 week hiatus (and why that specific amount of time) ?

The reason is I'd (we'd) like prepare you for what your about to see.

You are about to get flattened by a mack truck. Closing your eyes is not going to make that truck stop. 

I know exactly what your thinking... because EVERYONE thinks it. I thought it, everyone does. "this is different" "my wife is different" "you guys just dont understand" 

maybe even... "If I only would have/wouldn't have done __________ this wouldnt be happening".... "our problems are mostly my fault, I understand/can't really blame her" "we can fix this, _I can_ fix this."


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

By the way I may agree that if I force her to make a decision it may help me in the end. But she only told me two weeks ago and I am still trying to figure out the scenarios that might happen if we divorce. I don't know for sure if 1 3/4 months away from him and only with me will fix things, but I feel a lot better that she won't be in contact. And if I feel she is just stringing me along I may be prepared to make a decision to force her to either dump him or stay with me right before she is done with the break. But this time with just us I think will give me a good feeling as to whether we can work out in my opinion even if we don't get there by the end.

And I am wondering if I will expose her to the community or just her family or what. Because I do kind of feel that if she is forced out of her house and loses her kids which the attorney said is likely as long as I could pay for the house which I think I can.

I think she will think a lot harder if it is worth it to do what she is doing at that point.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Exposure is a double-edged sword. The more you expose, the more difficult for W to come back. 

The positive side is it definitely helps end the A. The negative is she may become reluctant to come back to the marriage out of embarassment.

Exposure to OMW is a must, no matter what the circumstance is. Exposure to family and inlaws at this juncture is a tough call.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

I suppose you are right about it being a double edged sword. 

The bad part of the other man is that he is not married. If he was I guarantee I would have immediately exposed him there if that was the case. It would probably be a lot simpler if he was married for that reason.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Christopher said:


> I think you are screwed. I do not understand how on earth you can post your story, hopefully proof-read it and think you aren't bat**** crazy. She is a Dr. and you cannot compose a paragraph correctly. I am not trying to be harsh but I don't see it working out. Ask your wife to hire you a good attorney.


Lots of docs are illiterate.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

looking for help said:


> By the way I may agree that if I force her to make a decision it may help me in the end. But she only told me two weeks ago and I am still trying to figure out the scenarios that might happen if we divorce. I don't know for sure if 1 3/4 months away from him and only with me will fix things, but I feel a lot better that she won't be in contact. And if I feel she is just stringing me along I may be prepared to make a decision to force her to either dump him or stay with me right before she is done with the break. But this time with just us I think will give me a good feeling as to whether we can work out in my opinion even if we don't get there by the end.
> 
> And I am wondering if I will expose her to the community or just her family or what. Because I do kind of feel that if she is forced out of her house and loses her kids which the attorney said is likely as long as I could pay for the house which I think I can.
> 
> I think she will think a lot harder if it is worth it to do what she is doing at that point.


You are taking a beating here and I want you to know that I understand how confusing this is in the initial stages. Fokks understand your pain, but want you to stop allowing this crap.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Lots of docs are illiterate.


And, Med school does not offer class on marriage and infidelities.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

It does feel like a beating. And it is very confusing. Which is why I came here. And I appreciate the support and advice.

I just want to figure out how to stop the affair without taking drastic measures. I will go to those if I have to, but I would like to not do that yet because I feel like my uncertainty of the future if I threaten divorce if she does not stop cheating are more troubling at this moment than status quo. At least for now.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Go hardass drastic asap. Expose, do the 180, the whole deal, then. I have never heard of niceness saving the marriage when there is cheating.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

As for exposure, you can try exposing selectively. Maybe MIL first?


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

And too add on to my last comment. Not because of the financial reasons. But because I want us to work out so bad and make it stop because I have been with her since I've been 16. No other serious girlfriends.

The thought of being alone relationship for an unknown period of time is very scary at the moment. Right now it feels like being close to her is not as scary as being completely alone relationship wise.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

MIL just died. Her father is not exactly in the picture. He was absent for the first 21 years of her life and now he is here but not a big force.

Her uncle and grandma would be very important people to threaten telling I believe. I think they would be very disappointed and make it very hard for her to do what she is doing and not try and work it out. So maybe that's all I need to tell after this break period.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

look at this way

your marriage is over anyways

you can beg and plead and be mr nice guy and just end up living in limbo for a while until she goes back to her OM

or

you can make a stand and hope for the best

note, making a stand does not guarantee she will stay in the marriage
but it's the best shot you have and if she does agree to R then you will have the tools to prevent a false R


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Her uncle and grandma sound good. 

Not to add any more discouragement, but you should brace yourself that the odds are very low that after this NC period, she could keep herself from re-initiating the contact. EA is like that. They just cannot break it off without some hard outside influence that would snap them out of it.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I dont think you've answered... why the 7 week break?


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## jenis (Feb 9, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I dont think you've answered... why the 7 week break?


I'm wondering about that too.... It's just seems like odd number to work with, and if she's coming around, why give it any kind of deadline? Is this OM out of town or in a situation where he'll be otherwise occupied till the end of January?

It also seems like a convenient way to string somebody along and in this situation (trusting H) easy to say NC than to mean it.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Yeah, why 7? There might be some incidental inconvenience to remain in contact on his part and she is just accomodating it making it look like her true gesture of attemping R?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

looking for help said:


> It does feel like a beating. And it is very confusing. Which is why I came here. And I appreciate the support and advice.
> 
> I just want to figure out how to stop the affair without taking drastic measures. I will go to those if I have to, but I would like to not do that yet because I feel like my uncertainty of the future if I threaten divorce if she does not stop cheating are more troubling at this moment than status quo. At least for now.


LOOK! you are a FOOL! This woman has no respect for you. (And I know of what I speak, I have been in the EXACT same situation). If you truly want this to change, you HAVE to take drastic action. Quite frankly, I don't see how you could live your life with this woman; but, no matter which direction you want to take, DRASTIC ACTION is REQUIRED. 

FILE FOR DIVORCE - You can always stop the process if thing s change.

Stop being a spineless worm.

I'm sorry for the tough love; but, you need it.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

at the end of that time she had planned a trip to go see him for a week by air. Thats basically one of the only ways they see each other unless he flies near here and they meet up close but far enough away from here that I do not know. But at the end if she still decides to go through with seeing him I will probably have a big decision to make. She will take a break because basically she won't see him until then anyway. I am only taking away her skype and texting. And we will try us out during that time. Just me and her.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

hmm you have been in the same situation? Do you have a link to your story? I'm afraid drastic action may be necessary but this timeframe will give me time to plan out what I'm going to do and see if we have any thread of workability in the future so I have piece of mind knowing we may never be together for sure.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

KanDo said:


> LOOK! you are a FOOL! This woman has no respect for you. (And I know of what I speak, I have been in the EXACT same situation). If you truly want this to change, you HAVE to take drastic action. Quite frankly, I don't see how you could live your life with this woman; but, no matter which direction you want to take, DRASTIC ACTION is REQUIRED.
> 
> FILE FOR DIVORCE - You can always stop the process if thing s change.
> 
> ...


by the way what do you mean you can stop the process if things change? I don't know the process. Maybe you can elaborate what you mean. So you may be saying if I start a process and she decides she will stop we can stop the process if we reconcile or something?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

looking for help said:


> hmm you have been in the same situation? Do you have a link to your story? I'm afraid drastic action may be necessary but this timeframe will give me time to plan out what I'm going to do and see if we have any thread of workability in the future so I have piece of mind knowing we may never be together for sure.


Read his thread, he does know of what he speaks in spades.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jenis (Feb 9, 2011)

Look, I know you've got kids and it's an extra hard time with the holiday's coming up..... But, if you fully intend to do nothing for this 7 week period, prepare yourself physically (find an attorney) and emotionally to absolutely to drop the hammer in 7 weeks. File for D, reveal, do the 180, everything. If there is any chance for R, it's 100% on your terms.

Honestly though, I don't think I'd be able to sweep things for 7 weeks if I were in your shoes. It would be overwhelming.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

The more I hear, the more pessimistic I feel with your chance of amicable R. Maybe your M is indeed already over and you are just refusing to see the reality. Maybe you should just expose to everyone and seek lawyer.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

looking for help said:


> I do feel like i cannot compete with him. I feel like since she is taking a break from him maybe i can try and work on this. If at the end she is going to go to him i may tell her I am going to expose her if she does.
> 
> She did say she wouldn't blame me if I divorced her she said I'm free to if I want. She didn't say it was my fault for this she just said that is why she was unhappy.


Why would you want her back after she cheated for 3 YEARS! She doesn't love you dude. She probably knows you lack the determination to leave. You are a convenient baby sitter at this point. Do you know for sure that the babies are yours? You said yourself she was cheating on you for 3 years and you have a 1 year old.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

it wasn't exactly 3 years the whole time. It started about 3 years ago for about 6 months I think then started again this july. They had been talking during those in between times, but she said it was over until her mom got really sick. She had lung cancer and was terminal for a year until she died. His mom is in the same situation. So there's a connection there.

Plus they talk about medical cases each other has encountered. 

So thats why I feel a little confident because it seems like she never would have done it the second time if it wouldn't have been for the trauma of her mom's cancer. I just feel that will pass and she will not need him for that type of stuff because she is starting to get over her mom's death..


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

but maybe I am wrong that's why I came here to hear a little more from people who are not biased such as my family who don't understand at all what I am going through.

As far as being a convenient baby sitter. I don't think of it that way as much because she does help out more than you might think. Also I know I would get the kids so I would be doing all of this child rearing if not more if I split with her. 

And maybe I seem to not know what I am talking about shaggy, but I am still shell shocked from this situation so my thoughts on what I'm thinking and what I am going to do seem to vary so much. Cut me some slack. I'm pretty messed up right now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm sorry if we and I come off as harsh, however while your story is fresh and unique to you, it's been scene here many times before. Go back and read the older threads, often from guys saying their wife has just left them out of the blue, etc.

A pattern emerges- either they are a guy who stands up, won't accept being in an open marriage, won't be an option, wont compete with the OM

Or they are indenisl. They insist there is no OM, or they think it's a phase, or they think if they are just more of a nice guy she will see his value and come back.

The first group has a chance at happiness, either by moving the drama to its cnclusion quickly, or by waking their SO up that this man won't be walked on. If their spouses do come back, they return willingly to a marriage and man for whom they have renewed respect.

The other group, drags on for years either with a fence sitting wife, or with a wife that has actually left them, and they are pining away in depression everyday hoping today she will return.

Let me ask this- if you were out of work and needed a job, which would be better- staying home, working on dressing nice, polishing your answers to questions, reading books on interviewing skills, OR writing a resume and sending it out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

This dude is a total Cuckold. I can't understand why he just doesn't let them **** in their marriage bed. It would save a lot of money on hotel bills. Then he can dutifully wash the sheets. What a submissive little beta male he is.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> This dude is a total Cuckold. I can't understand why he just doesn't let them **** in their marriage bed. It would save a lot of money on hotel bills. Then he can dutifully wash the sheets. What a submissive little beta male he is.


That's a bit harsh.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Forum regulars, pls link him up to similar threads. I think he could read them. I am not sure which one it is.


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## Haz (Aug 24, 2011)

Folks:

I think you are all to caught up with the mantra of everyone thinks their situation is different but they are all the same. Looking's situation is different.

Looking suffers from chronic mental illness. He is diagnosed bipolar, and suffers from depression. Given his responses here, his depression is still present, but he indicates not as serious as it has been. His wife does not suffer from mental illness. OM is her colleague. They are hot shot doctors. They go out and save lives all day. They are chief residents--they are the best of their class. 

Looking has been home taking care of the kids and vegging out on the computer, much like I am right now. In short, she has been carrying him for years. And she is tired of it. She doesn't want to be the woman who dumped a spouse for being mentally ill. She also doesn't want to devote her life to a spouse who is and always will be mentally ill. So yes, she is a cake eater. She is saying to Looking, "I will continue to carry you, for your sake and the sake of our children, but here is my price: you will allow me to love another man, and to go off and have sex with him when I want to. And then I will come home to you and we can have fun and life will continue on that basis."

The problem is, in a cruel and up against the wall way, it makes perfect sense.

Looking:

She sees you as a dependent. And you have been a dependent. And you may come out of the fog for a time, but even then, you will not be her peer (at least nothing you have told us indicates this is so). You will sink back into the fog periodically too. It is the nature of your illness. 

So you need to decide if you want the deal she is offering. And you need to understand that this deal has an expiration date. She will, when the kids are older, cut you loose, and find a man who, in her eyes, is her peer. And she will marry him. Maybe that will be her current paramour, maybe someone else.

Exposing the affair to a relative you trust who can mediate with both of you might help, but it will not change anything that I have just said. She is not going to be guilted into staying with a mentally ill, dependent man. And few people will even try.

She should not have done this. She should have treated you with enough respect to tell you it was over before taking up with her colleague.

You can take her deal or you can divorce her. If you take the deal, I suspect that you will find that your depression deepens again. And in the end, you will still divorce.

I am very sorry. Life has handed you a hard row to hoe, and your wife has, in a moment of unhappiness, piled on in a way that is ugly indeed.

Haz


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Denial... Denial... Denial.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

I'm back with updates. We are getting divorced. The sooner the better. I still have to live here unfortunately until its over but I feel like I'm going to be miserable until it happens. I gave up trying 2 weeks ago. She seems to have no remorse about her actions, she seems to think it is ok because I wasn't making her happy.

She says things like I want to be happy and it was nobodys fault. I told her its all her fault she should have spoke up and not let it get to this point! 

She still wants to be friends. I'm torn on this. She has hurt me so bad, but I do really like hanging out with her. I can't decide what to do on this. She doesn't deserve somebody like me as a friend. We have kids so that makes me even more torn. If we didn't I would probably be more likely to be able to not be friends. I feel like not being friends would spite me as well.

She is getting ready to head for 8 days to go see this jerk while I watch the kids. I can't believe a person would do this to me. So soon after she told me no less. At least wait until we are divorced, which unfortunately will take another month and a half I assume.

She says things like "you liked him when you saw him in such and such place" as if I would actually want to be buddy buddy with him. What kind of screwed up thinking is that? I will never like him he is a bad person for what he did.

This is so rough. I want to be in my own apartment away from her for now. Taking care of a big house that I won't live in is frustrating, ready to take care of a small 3 bedroom apartment instead if that is what it is going to be.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

looking for help said:


> She still wants to be friends. I'm torn on this. She has hurt me so bad, but I do really like hanging out with her. I can't decide what to do on this. She doesn't deserve somebody like me as a friend.


Talk about the kids, finances & the divorce. After that, it's about the kids and that's it. She's moved on without you but wants you around just in case. don't be the 2nd place fallback guy.

Who's getting the kids?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you hired a shark for a lawyer? She is a low down lying cheater who is running off while still married, leaving you watch the kids while she sleeps with her lover.

Seriously, thats beyond humiliating.

I hope you've got the sense and balls to hire the nastiest shark of a lawyer so she'll be paying you for years and years to come.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

i have a good lawyer. but i'm in a no fault state! the best i can get is alimony of my base expenses for 4 years while i get a bachelor degree plus child support which can last until the kids are 18 though I guess. I will be broke until I get out of college, and basically any extra expenses I will have to ask for help for my parents and pay them back when I get out of school. 

My lawyer says not to get a job until I'm out of school because I will still be broke it will just reduce alimony it won't matter unless i get a job that will pay more than that which I probably can't, at least not one that is much more which isn't worth it.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Your soon to be ex-wife is a real piece of work. I hope the Karma bus gets her soon.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

looking for help said:


> i have a good lawyer. but i'm in a no fault state! the best i can get is alimony of my base expenses for 4 years while i get a bachelor degree plus child support which can last until the kids are 18 though I guess. I will be broke until I get out of college, and basically any extra expenses I will have to ask for help for my parents and pay them back when I get out of school.
> 
> My lawyer says not to get a job until I'm out of school because I will still be broke it will just reduce alimony it won't matter unless i get a job that will pay more than that which I probably can't, at least not one that is much more which isn't worth it.


Go after her for the support you have given her for her medical work - you should try for part of her pension, etc.

You're going to suffer a significant loss of income. Demand she provide for you.

Can you sue the POSOM for allienation of affection?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You past posts have made your sound like too much of a nice guy - are you sure you've explained to the lawyer that you want her to bleed? 

Offer him a nice % of anything above base that he gets out of her.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

She has no pension! We haven't been able to contribute to it because we just built a nice dream house that I can't live in 4 months afterwords because I can't pay for it obviously. so she gets it. We have debt from the house to so I will end up with not a dime maybe in return for her taking the debt. 

whats POSON?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

looking for help said:


> She has no pension! We haven't been able to contribute to it because we just built a nice dream house that I can't live in 4 months afterwords because I can't pay for it obviously. so she gets it. We have debt from the house to so I will end up with not a dime maybe in return for her taking the debt.
> 
> whats POSON?


Piece S other man


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

you can sue the other guy for something like that?


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

only 7 states though? Yeah I'm not in those states, but even if I was what would it do? Its just a reason for divorce isn't it?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You can also sue him for intentional infliction of emotional distress. He's a rich doctor tell your lawyer to take him to the cleaners.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have your lawyers contact him immediately to give him something to think (worry) about.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

Wow. I will definitely talk to them about it if thats possible. Is there a term for this so I can look it up?


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

can you really do this though? I do believe he is causing emotional distress because I have to be in the same house when they skype and he texts here all the time. so painful. I hope so because he is distressing me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It would be a good idea to talk to your lawyer right away. You might have to contact the other man in order to let him know you are not alright with what he is doing and it is causing harm to your family. Then when he does not stop the affair, he is intentional harming you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Try this link. I haven't looked at it but you can google....intentional infliction of emotional distress. This can supposedly be used in any state.

Intentional infliction of emotional distress - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Try this link. I haven't looked at it but you can google....intentional infliction of emotional distress. This can supposedly be used in any state.
> 
> Intentional infliction of emotional distress - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


Going to have to look at that tomorrow.
The Wiki is closed today.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The tort of intentional infliction of emotional distress has four elements: (1) the defendant must act intentionally or recklessly; (2) the defendant's conduct must be extreme and outrageous; and (3) the conduct must be the cause (4) of severe emotional distress.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I think there's more to this story than we're assuming. I don't think his wife is this cold heartless *****, I sincerely believe the OP made some serious errors in the marriage that led to her being emotionally detached. 

The video game thing, the stay at home dad (not flaming other stay at home dads but from experience, irrelevant of what women tell you, they don't like it) and not making her feel like a woman all went along way to detach her from you. She's essentially lost respect for you as a man. That being said NO ONE deserves to be cheated on and please don't take this the wrong way but you seriously have to stop this needy desperate mentality who's essentially been reduced to a cuckold by his wife. 

You definitely need to man up and find work. You need to show her that you can be independent and restore her respect for you.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Stay at home dads never get the respect from women, They usually says otherwise, because they know that they wont get any better babysitter than her husband. They will simply say he is the best dad blah blah blah.....

Your wife: Horrible one; keeping husband at home babysitting and she is ****ing around with her guy. Ask her to bring him home as she is not allowing you to touch her at least you can see what they are doing for free.
This is not to hurt you, its due to the disgust i have for you for your earlier cuckold behavior. Run picking up whatever you have run as fast as you can from her. Live the life like a man with dignity and self respect. She is not the last lady on earth, she will be the last ***** in you life. Get a girl who respect you and love you unconditionally, not like make me happy i will try to stay with you. Your wife is a rare genus.

She may have asked you to remain friend because she always see a cuckload, doormat she can come back at any time when she get bored with her ****buddy. Never allow this to happen in your life.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

I'm going back to school to be a teacher so I can have summers off when they do because I care about the kids, and I think I can be a good teacher.

I am moving out when we get divorced and she is going to have to see what it's like to clean a big house all of the time and take care of everything around here while I have a small apartment to clean. I can't wait for that. Maybe she will see how much I do around here.


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## looking for help (Dec 9, 2011)

I think her high income and job has corrupted her into having a giant ego and thinking she deserves someone in her life that works as hard as she does, which I guess she thinks I don't. No matter the fact that I work 12 hours a day 7 days a week minimum. I guess she can't see that. 

Maybe I play video games because so many nights she goes to bed as soon as the kids get home, and because she was on call basically every night so I couldn't get out and we could never go out together because we didn't have babysitters. Maybe she was holding me back in that area. And I bet she wouldn't have said anything if I read books instead of playing videogames, she just doesn't respect that hobby possibly. I didn't play as much as she said. Plus so often she would just sit on the couch and read or watch tv, maybe I didn't want to do that as often. She didn't make too much of an effort to go out and get babysitters. I


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> She is not the last *lady* on earth, she will be the last ***** in you life.


How sad the title 'lady' has been so devalued that it is now applied to women who are far from being worthy of it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Mori, I think my exH has started posting on this site. LOL. :rofl:


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