# Just not sure what's next



## SpecialK2 (May 15, 2021)

We've been together 20 years and have been through marriage counseling and all that. I've left him for a few months. I've asked him to leave for a few months. We have been back together since fall 2019. He is obese and getting to grossly obese (4-5x shirts and 46 pants) and the last 10 years when I'm with him I gain weight and now have diabetes. I'm weak when it comes to food pushers. 

I've stayed and returned because he is stable. I can trust that I don't have to worry for most things. I can just hand over money for bills and things are taken care of. When we do enjoy things together we have fun. Since covid there's been no fun and the exercise we were getting is gone. I gave the deposit for a house we bought last fall and hoped that finally he has the job, car, house, everything he picked out, and he would be happy. Instead he is rude like he's better than others and constantly talks about how much better we are than other people. 

I'm tired of the lack of fun, Lack of sex, lack of good sex. Tired of being overweight. I miss doing things I want to do that we don't do because either he doesn't want to or doesn't feel that we should. It's always about what he wants or doesn't want. 

The problem I have when we separate is my adult child ends up taking advantage of my enabling and I end up making bad choices that help them, and hurt me financially. Then the dating market is so scary. I'm clueless. I just am me and expect others to be them. But they lie or mislead or pretend to be someone they aren't. I don't need anyone but I don't enjoy being alone. And I really miss good sex. 

I guess I'm afraid to screw up and end up ruining my stability if I leave, but staying all I want to do is cheat (I haven't) or leave.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Why do you think he's not into sex? What does he say when you bring it up? Did you have sex with anyone else when you were separated? How old are you both?

If he continues to gain weight, he will not be a problem for you much longer. A good friend who appears to have been about his weight dropped dead of a heart attack at age 32. 

The stable things that you like about him can be provided by a hired personal assistant. You don't need a husband for that.


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## SpecialK2 (May 15, 2021)

Sfort said:


> Why do you think he's not into sex? What does he say when you bring it up? Did you have sex with anyone else when you were separated? How old are you both?
> 
> If he continues to gain weight, he will not be a problem for you much longer. A good friend who appears to have been about his weight dropped dead of a heart attack at age 32.
> 
> The stable things that you like about him can be provided by a hired personal assistant. You don't need a husband for that.


He enjoys sex greatly, and realizes that he's very fast when it does happen and will try to make up for it with oral. But it's only when he wants it, feels good, hasn't eaten a meal in a few hours, etc. Everything has to be perfect for him and no discomfort. It's also only in one position (missionary at the edge of the bed) because anything else is uncomfortable for him. And it is once every 3-4 weeks. 

I'm 46 and he is 40. When we were married (10 years ago) is when everything changed. He said I have you now I don't have to try anymore. That's also when I was no longer allowed on top because it was too uncomfortable for him. But we still enjoyed different positions. About 6 years ago is when it became all about when he wanted it, only his way, etc and he began verbally abusive. That's the first time I left, 2015 for a month. I was with someone else briefly, just a few times and in a different state on purpose. We got back together using marriage therapy we both lost weight. Once he stopped therapy he gained weight and became disrespectful again so I moved out in 2016 and served divorce papers. Three months later he agreed to go back to therapy and things got better so we moved back in together. Then in 2019 he started acting horrible again so I asked him to either treat me with respect or leave. He tried dating people this time and idk if he was with anyone else. We did not discuss it. I assume he either was or was trying to. 

He has no problem being intimate on his terms once every 3-4 weeks for a half hour, and same exact routine. He thinks everything is great in our relationship. Even when I have to tell him, stop, I am not going to discuss this with you, you are being rude and disrespectful. I can disagree with your opinion or view it feel differently. Often he will nag on for a bit then stop when I leave the room or he realizes I've disengaged. 

It's just so much work not allowing him to control me and everything. I'm feeling more confident and able to stand up for myself. I just don't think I should have to do this constantly. I think I should be with someone who has basic respect and doesn't see me as an extension of themselves or feel that I should agree to everything they think it feel. It was so bad he got mad because I shouldn't like mustard because he hates it and kept saying I didn't like it too. Idk just crazy. I do love him. No longer in love and at times I lost all desire to be with him but try to focus on the good..


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

He doesn't sound like a prize catch to me. You now have to look in the mirror and decide what you want and what you're willing to accept. If you want to make it work with him, you have a LOT of work ahead of you. He's at the age where he may not change.

I'm not suggesting that you divorce, but you need to seriously consider it. You and he don't seem like a good match.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

What's the chance of you finding a NSA somebody on the side, while staying with him? The worse you'll have to do is service your old man once a month. If he catches you, so what. Chances are he ain't going anywhere anyway. You can have apples without upsetting the apple cart. There are plenty of guys out there that like a gal with a little meat on her bones.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

SpecialK2 said:


> The problem I have when we separate is my adult child ends up taking advantage of my enabling and I end up making bad choices that help them, and hurt me financially. Then the dating market is so scary. I'm clueless. I just am me and expect others to be them. But they lie or mislead or pretend to be someone they aren't. I don't need anyone but I don't enjoy being alone. And I really miss good sex.
> 
> I guess I'm afraid to screw up and end up ruining my stability if I leave, but staying all I want to do is cheat (I haven't) or leave.


Is it possible for you to get counseling? Just for yourself? This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all, but the things I just quoted also sound like maybe you need help with your confidence and your handling of your relationships.


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## SpecialK2 (May 15, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> What's the chance of you finding a NSA somebody on the side, while staying with him? The worse you'll have to do is service your old man once a month. If he catches you, so what. Chances are he ain't going anywhere anyway. You can have apples without upsetting the apple cart. There are plenty of guys out there that like a gal with a little meat on her bones.


I've considered this. It seems my options from online apps are 20-something-year-olds, creepy older men, men I worry have STDs, or others in a similar situation that start asking if I'll ever leave (which I don't want to mess with emotions of them or me). I even thought of being with other females.

I really love to laugh, have fun, and live plus I have a great career and attitude, and I love being physical. I'd want a physical connection and trust. It often will blurs lines. 

I'm up front from the beginning that I'm married and not going anywhere. And they still want to talk of the what if we, maybe we should, or would you leave him and (marry/ start a family with me, etc) and when that doesn't happen they want to be mean and vulgar. I don't want to be treated like a wh0re but I don't need romance either, just basic respect and fun). I am not very good at this.

I also try to figure out when? He's home night and weekend so that only leaves during work hours. So then it must be quicker and not too far from home and work, and fit in the guys schedule too.

lol yeah I've thought and even virtually met others but the logistics never add up.


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## SpecialK2 (May 15, 2021)

Chaotic said:


> Is it possible for you to get counseling? Just for yourself? This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all, but the things I just quoted also sound like maybe you need help with your confidence and your handling of your relationships.


I'm in therapy alone, with our first/former marriage counselor. He first determined this first marriage counselor was on my "side" when he asked the tough questions to both of us.

He found another therapist he picked out, met with in advance to set the tone. I went open minded and followed her advice, worked hard on the things he wanted, and asked for help with items for him to address. Once she started asking him on his items he became argumentative. He said everything was perfect, we were happy now and he didn't need to change anything. In fact, his thoughts, views, behaviors were justified by his logic. 

Both therapists agreed that he will never change on matters that involve money, and is up to me to decide if it's worth staying or not. So I have clear boundaries if he passes I will leave. It's this murky part I feel stuck in the mud trying to figure out which direction is best for me to go.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

SpecialK, its going to take a certain amount of patients. You've put up with his nonsense a while now so you don't have to find someone right away. You've going to have to do some shopping. You probably need to look for someone in the same position as you. Do you have girlfriends or co-workers that have empathy with your situation and may know a gentleman or two in the same shoes. Generally the single guys are more prone to STDs and more likely the type that not only just comes and goes but more likely to cause trouble if and when they're ditched. A married guy is less likely to want to move beyond the FWB, et cetera. 
Is there any chance of you taking a night class or training that will get you out of the house where maybe you could not only meet someone, but skip a few classes. Don't discount extended lunch hours and take time off for appointment. Additionally you'll need to break up the routine you've established so not to draw attention to any nuances when the opportunity presents itself. 
BTW, be careful with the apps. They are notorious for attracting weirdos as you already know. Have you looked for a local area sites or topics that tend to attract men? Whatju think about a gym membership?


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