# Help please



## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

I've read lots of posts here and I'm in same situation as many of you. 
I'm 35 and she's 36. We live together for 14years and married 9years ago. 

We fighted sometimes, but eventually things got fixed.
4 days ago my wife told me she doesn't love me anymore and she found someone who makes her happy again. I lost my mind completely, I begged, pleaded, cried, everything I could remember. She was even angrier.

I always said to her that betraial was the worst thing she could do to me and now she's done it. Not only that, after asking her eye-to-eye if had done anything serious with her EA she denied it. Last night I took an anti-depress and managed to talk to her calmly and I asked her. She denied it. But I'm a computer nerd and keylogged my laptop at home. 

I read her chat logs and found out that she did do "something" with him. After sleeping tonight with another anti-dpress I woke up at 4am and decided to come clean with her. I waited until 6am and went to talk to her in the bedroom (I slept in the living room). I confronted her and she cried and said she didn't want to hurt me more. She said she didn't looked for it on purpose and that it just happened.

I told her that that hurt me too much, but I do want to be the best husband I can be to her. But the knowledge that she's chatting with him while I'm in the house is too painfull to handle. So I asked her that I can only use the shred of hope I have to change I fe she ditched the other guy (a colleague at work) 

I'm so full of pain as I never have been in my life before. I suffer constantly. Yesterday I started taking anti-dpress to cope with this and it really is helping me. I don't have the urge to cry all the time. But the pounding in my heart doesn't stop.

I know that the reasons for this are always the same, poor communication, not listening to her, not doing all I could do to relieve her of shores at home... 


I took the kids to school today. She was in control of her emotions when she left, but still I could see she's hurting. She told me she's hasn't made up her mind about leaving, because of the kids.

What kills me it the treason and the fact that I never suspected this was going so wrong..

Please please help, I need experienced advice. I know life doesn't end here, but I have 2 small kids and I am a good father and I still have strong feelings for her.


I also found out were they meet at lunch. I am planning to go there today as I feel she's meeting him there. What should I do? Confront her? Wait for her tonight?

I am so lost right now I can't think straight


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

My wife called me at lunch to say she's feeling bad and that she's going home. I asked her if she needed me, but she bluntly shut me out.

About an hour later she called me again to say she's sorry about what she said previously and that if I want I can come home.

I told her that it's best that she has her space to think about this situation. After that she went on and on about the same things we've talked this morning. 

I told her that the pain she's caused me his huge but what's important to me is to repair our marriage, make it work doing things and not just talking. 

I tried to be positive throughout the conversation. She told me that she's feeling horrible, like a ****. 

I told her that I wasn't innocent in all of this. I saw the signs and choose to ignore them. I saw the change in interests all of a sudden. I saw the indifference she had and took it as one of "those" phases.

So right now she's at home thinking/suffering.

Any thoughts on how I should proceed?


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## Asking4Flowers (Mar 2, 2011)

I have not married yet but no one else has responded so I will give my two-cents. I believe she wants to leave because the guilt is overcoming her. She needs to be completely honest about her mistakes so she can take that weight off her back and start looking forward rather than running for the back door. The only way she will do this is if you give her a comfortable and safe space to open up in. Don't rush her but don't let her just walk away either. When a woman is not feeling loved/appreciated in a relationship, an EA can just pull her in and suddenly she is in over her head. I am sure she has many regrets and she is afraid to hurt you by being completely honest. Don't stalk her, question her endlessly, or accuse her because she will just start looking for that back door again. I believe that once you start communicating on this you can at least start to move forward. Maybe you were not the best husband but you seem to have the right attitude to improve. I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I hope you can work things out.


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## Jones (Sep 15, 2010)

I am sorry this is happening to you. Look in the Coping with Infedelity forum because there are good posts there on what you should be doing.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

Asking4Flowers: 
Thank you, I need some words of encouragement. Right now I want to give her space but I told her I'm not leaving the house. The children are my "anchor" to reality. Taking care of them is a big part of my life and I cannot leave them.

As I said before, I read some posts before and I was gratefull for this forum. I messed up things during the weekend because I freaked out completely. Thank god her parents were visiting us so I didn't had to think about everything else.

I hurts like hell to be betraied. I never ever thought it would happen to me. Now the reality has crashed on me so hard that I cannot stop thinking about this every minute I am awake.

I read posts about infidelity. I am not 100% sure she went to bed with this man. If she confirms it then I'll be in another world of hurt. As I said, right now the anti-dpress I'm taking is helping me cope with this without breaking up in tears. 

I'll work hard to be a good husband and a good father I really will. There's nothing I feel I can do besides that.

I told her that it would probably would take several months of work to get our marriage back up again. That pointing blame at another is not going to help but deeds, actions will. That's my objective. To prove to her that I have changed with this situation and that I will work very hard to not repeat the same mistakes. But my confidence, my trust will never be the same.

btw, I thought she would seek consolation from the a**hole she's met and I had a suspittion of the restaurant were they would meet. After 1 hour and 1/2 waiting for them to show up I got her call. I feld so relieved.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

I'm almost finishing up at work and I'm going to get my daughter from school. 

I am affraid of what I'm going to find at home. What am I going to say to my wife? 

Please, someone who has been there give some advice. Please!!!


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

hf2011 said:


> I'm almost finishing up at work and I'm going to get my daughter from school.
> 
> I am affraid of what I'm going to find at home. What am I going to say to my wife?
> 
> Please, someone who has been there give some advice. Please!!!


hf2011,

In my opinion,(and you can take this with a grain of salt) you have to calm down. First, realize that YOU are the victim here. YOU are the one that got cheated on. Even if she wasn't happy, she is the one that cheated. I don't know how much you two talked about whatever deficiencies you have but yes, you should have addressed them...and she should have been explicit about what she needed from you. I believe that you have played yourself into a weak position by begging and pleading for her to stay. And, I know that you want your marriage but you have to acknowledge the possibility that she is looking to move on. Most women that I know (in my limited experience) don't have EA's (and probably PA's) and come home telling their hubbies that they have found someone else unless they are really ready to leave the marriage. That is what your wife did. I feel like you should be a little more pissed about being betrayed and a little less concerned about what she is going to do and what you are going to say to her. You should keep yourself calm and let her bring up whatever topics she wants to talk about. Whatever you do, do not beg her to stay or anything like that. You should suggest marriage counseling if you feel that it will help. Keep in mind that I have not been cheated on and I have no children. I am just a guy who hates to see people get dumped on. Good luck.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

Orion:
I know I'm being weak here. My whole life was turned upsidown in a matter of a few days. When she told me she "met" someone I was crushed, literally. My mind was so overwelmed that I couldn't even think of my own self-respect.
On the other side are my kids. I love them and in my country (Portugal) the mothers get the kids even in these cases. 

I am willing to forgive her if she stops this. I am a son of a father who was never there, so I feel for my kids more than you can know.

I will be calm and wait for whatever she wants to throw, but I am not sure of my reaction. I can burst into rage and that will definitely kill any hope. What I don't know is if I can be passive, reassuring, whatever... it takes to get this back on track.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

hf2011 said:


> Orion:
> I know I'm being weak here. My whole life was turned upsidown in a matter of a few days. When she told me she "met" someone I was crushed, literally. My mind was so overwelmed that I couldn't even think of my own self-respect.
> On the other side are my kids. I love them and in my country (Portugal) the mothers get the kids even in these cases.
> 
> ...


There is nothing wrong with fighting for your marriage and being there for your children. I just hope that you can fight for your marriage by being the man that you are supposed to be and not by becoming something that you are not for the sake of a woman who might not appreciate it. Anyway, I hope that you can find peace and save your marriage. Just remember that saving and maintaining a marriage takes both people. Control what you can about yourself but recognize that your wife has to want it too.


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## samcom (Mar 21, 2011)

Dear brother, there is no new thing under heaven. Only I will advice you to pray and see what God can do with your situation. Nothing impossible for Him to do. If you go to where they meet you can behave stupid and worsen the matter. Stay calm and let her see you are in control of your life come what may.God bless you.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Just keep your head up and think rationally.

I just wished my husband loved me enough to be 'crushed' at anything I did.

She's lucky there - she just doesn't know it.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

From what you said, you are doing the right things. There is only so much you can do though.

It doesn't sound over, and you still have a chance. Don't blow that.

I can't tell from what you wrote, but anti-depressants usually take a few weeks to kick in. Its going to be extremely hard no matter what happens.

My MC story is in my profile if you haven't seen it. 

Its really good that she called you back and says she doesn't want to hurt you anymore. As bad as this all his, she still has feeling for you and cares or she would have walked away coldly.

Try to be strong and keep up hope.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Calm the f*ck down and get control of your ****!

When my wife told me I felt the same way but I had to hold in the emotions of anger and begging. I maintaianed a "matter of fake" attidude. 
I did this b/c i no how unattractive cring and begging can be< I know my wife is looking for a confident person who will get through this crap with her.

So no matter what do not do not show her these two emotions, especially around the kids. Having benn through this cheating BS I have to say your wife is not looking for weakness or some pissed offed H ....she looking for confidence in you. 
She is so confussed right now, you need to show her what you want and need. #1 no more contact with OM. F*ck given her space dude... be confident that you want this marraige but in a firm and calm way let her know you are hurt and you will not share her and the kids are to important to have her connected to anyone else other then her family, and that you will not tolorate this affair for the sake of the kids. 

So please take the control out of her hands. She also is not thinking straight. So for the sake of your kids you must stay calm and confident and by no means toloarate her behavior. Your kids are depending on you to take control of yourself and how you fight this a ffair.

You can't control her but you can control what you do and what you tolorate.

Do not show your kid a weak father or a weak husband, so think and clearly let her know what you want ,what you will tolorate , and you will not sit by and let her do as she pleases. That is not a good examble for your kids and how there future marraiges should be.

I have to teenager and they oldest has told me how impreesed and proud she was of me in how I handled her mothers shananagians.

See she didn't no her mom was sleeping around, but she did she her mom gone all day and night. So when I finally took control and gave my wife the ultimatudum, my wifr choose wisely and know my daughter has her mother back and I have my wife back.

Remember its not what knocks us down that counts, its how we get back up that matters.


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## everclear (Mar 23, 2011)

I was looking at this site tonite hoping to get some advice/support for my situation, but when I read your post, my heart went out to you. Like others on this site, my story is similar to yours. Married for 20 years, my wife dropped a bomb on me and asked for a separation a year ago. At first, she made it out to be my fault, but eventually I came to know that she had been having an affair with one man for two years and was now involved with another man. I was devastated, and reacted like a crazed lunatic. I shared our dirty laundry with anyone that would listen. I cried all the time, and played the victim role perfectly. In the process, I ruined any chance of reconciling in the short term. Through therapy, I was able to understand that the relationship was flawed, and that I had a lot to learn about myself. My ego couldn't handle the hit, and that lack of maturity also contributed to issues within the marraige. Now a year later, the fog has lifted. I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I truly love and while my ex has asked to come back on several occassions, I have the courage to speak up for myself and say no thanks. I have forgiven her and even thanked her for leaving me.
Have faith in the outcome you want. If you want to make it work, listen to "the Guy", be strong, set a good example for your kids, and stop driving yourself crazy snooping around on her. If on the other hand, you know that you can't be that person, perhaps being apart is better. If you speak with a counselor they can tell you from experience that most of these situations follow a prescribed path that will be detremined by your choices. You control your own destiny if you can control yourself.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

Last night was weird. I bought groceries, picked up my daughter from ballet, went home like any normal day.

When I came home, my wife was lying in the couch covered in blankets, while my 4yr old son was next to her watching cartoons.

I greeted her, unpacked, made dinner, gave the kids a shower, served them dinner... all this time my wife was still in the couch.

I even managed to eat something of what I cooked. We spoke only a few words between us. 

By the end of dinner I started to feel nervous. My hands started to shake. I felt like I was going to loose it and start crying so I went to the kitchen and took one anti-dpress (the 1st one in all day).

I managed to serve them fruit and then feel a sleep at the dinner table... when I woke up it was 10pm and my kids had eaten by themselfes.

I took them to bed and immediately went to sleep in my bed. She slept in the couch today.

This morning I woke early, dressed, cleared the dinner table and put the dishes in the washing machine.

We exchanged very few words this morning but my kids playfull atittude managed to make me smile, even she smiled.

I dressed up my boy, and left them both eating breakfast with her. I went to work.

I feel better. I know that I'm doing what I can to make this work. I don't know what else I can do. I saw that she was hurting last night.

She works next to this guy and that is one of the things that creeps in my mind.


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## spartan (Jun 8, 2010)

read up on MisterNiceGuy's thread as he went through a VERY similar situation. Lots of advice in that 50+ page thread. 

You need to man up at this moment and do the 180 on her.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

After reading MNG thread I feel I'm being manipulated. It makes me feel even more sick.

Today I changed our online bank account code so would be no surprises there. 

I checked her email several times in the meantime and nothing.

I am really suspicious now and I now know that I will never trust her again. I hope for my children that she has found some sense and realizes that whatever she's doing it's going to go very wrong for her.

I have copies of chat logs from her and the other guy exchanging nice things, teenager stuff like music lyrics, and brief comments about how nice it was the other night. I don't know what value that will have in a court of law but I almost ready to throw this marriage.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

I feel nothing for her right now. I've read more carefully the chat logs and it makes me sick. I'm going to end it today.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

hf2011 said:


> I feel nothing for her right now. I've read more carefully the chat logs and it makes me sick. I'm going to end it today.


I really for you. I can only imagine what you must be feeling. If her behavior and betrayal have caused you to feel nothing for her, then you should move on. My only advice is that you be sure and resolute in your decision. Someone on this site once said, "You don't drown by falling in water. You drown by staying there."
I really hope that you can find some peace. Good luck.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You are very hurt and not really thinking strait. You've had to take antidepressants to make it through the day. 

Be 100% this is what you want. It is possible to forgive over time. I would suggest an extended separation before you make the big D decision.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

At 4pm I called her and demanded that we meet. We drove from our jobs to an empty parking. I was so angry and furious that I didn't know what was going to happen. She sat in my car and I blew up, I told her everything I feel, all the pain, the hurt, the anguish in my chest. I called her by all the names.
I told her about the chat logs and how they made me sick. I threatened her that if she does not agree to a divorce were I get to live with the children I would publish them all over hers/his facebook pages. I found out that the creep is also married with 2 children and his wife doesn't know about it.
I was so angry I yelled and hit my car several times until my hand started to hurt. She was desperate after that. She pleaded with me not to disclose everything. She said she would sign anything.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Again, this is your story to write, but I still want to advocate for working it out. People do forgive affairs, but it takes time and a lot of hurt.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

She said she would not move out. That she would do anything for the children. I said I would never forbid her to see them and that I would never tell what she did to them, but I cannot live without them with me.
I told her that I don't believe anything she says anymore, nothing is real. I told her only actions will count. That even if she is truly commited I cannot believe her words, because she will betray me again. I told her the only way I would believe would be if the creep told his wife about the affair and the wife spoke to me in person and said to me that the affair is off.

I drove away and felt relief after that. I don't know how to explain it. I felt like a man again.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

Tonight she came home and asked if I was going to go forward on my threat. She said that I would destroy other lives and that I would be a monster... F***
I told her that I am what I am now because of what she made me suffer. I will not spare anything or anyone if I'm pushed over the edge.

These were really hard words because although I believe the other wife needs to know the truth I am not a monster and I know the pain I'll cause.

We talked for a very long time and said to her that there are two ways out of this and she has to make the decision. One is cut off all contact with this guy, even change jobs, whatever and work together to rebuild something of worth out of this marriage. The other is a straight divorce were we share the kids as much as possible but I want more time with them.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

How about you tell the creep's wife about the affair?

That will end it - for certain.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

So whats next happens next between you two? Do you try to work it out? Does she move out? Do you live as roommates?


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

She came to me after the kids went to bed and said that she felt shame, that it happened because she was needy, fragile... etc.

We talked more but it came to this: I am hurt, I'm taking the day off tomorrow to catch up on my final exams (great that she dropped a bomb like this when I'm 2 weeks away from finishing up a post-grad, isn't it?)

She said she is confused, ashamed. She went to the street for a few minutes and came back, I imagine to tell the creep something, I don't know.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

hf2011 said:


> She came to me after the kids went to bed and said that she felt shame, that it happened because she was needy, fragile... etc.
> 
> We talked more but it came to this: I am hurt, I'm taking the day off tomorrow to catch up on my final exams (great that she dropped a bomb like this when I'm 2 weeks away from finishing up a post-grad, isn't it?)
> 
> She said she is confused, ashamed. She went to the street for a few minutes and came back, I imagine to tell the creep something, I don't know.


Tell his wife.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

that's the thing. I don't know of the creep's wife is. She's not on his facebook friends listed as wife... The only way I could it would be to bombard all his FB friends with the transcripts of the chat logs.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

Right now there are no plans, she sleeps in the couch. I want to take it slow for now. The only thing that gives me hope that I can make something positive in the future out of this are the other threads I've read in this forum. If it wasn't for them I would still need pills to sleep at night.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

After 6 straight days of suffering I am holding on. I am not taking pills anymore. I can talk to her calmly (almost) and I feel my body responding better to this (I was shaking all over for the first 3 days)

The treason is something very very difficult for me to think about. But today my 4yr old son started crying for no reason and then peed himself. That was one of the main reasons I am holding my heart in a fist.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Try to tell your wife where you are at. 

Even if what you say is that you are not sure yet whether or not its possible to get past this.

If you are interested in exploring that, get in MC. Even if you don't reconnect with her, thats the best place to figure that out.

Stay strong. No matter what you do its going to hurt like hell.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

that's the thing. Last week I already knew that my marriage was going the wrong way so I asked her if she wanted us to go to mc to understand better what was going on. That's when the told that she has feelings for another guy. She told me today that she got scared because she knew she would spill it in the mc.

The suspition is something that have to deal with. Trust is not an option right now.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You don't have to trust someone to be in MC. It might take months of talking, waiting, and thinking before you chose anything.

MC is about the best place to talk about it though. You don't have to commit to anything.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

I had to take another pill to sleep today. I'm not sure of anything right now. The confidence I felt yesterday is very low right now.

I don't now if I will ever trust her again. I keep imagining them together.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I think right now making any decision will be in a fog of extreme hurt. It is possible to trust again.

Stay strong.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

I wish I could feel in control again like I felt yesterday after our talk in the parking.

Sometimes it just hurts more and my hands start to shake again. I so sad right now.

Last night she said that the feelings for that creep are still there and that it won't go away easy. 

I need to write down what we talk about because in my state of mind I think my head will block any memories of this.

I don't know how to proceed today


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I wrote down what I was going though, and it helped a lot. Reading back, you can barely understand why you would write something like that or how you could be that mad.

If I were you, I would proceed by telling your wife where you are at. Say that you don't know if you can ever forgive her or not.

Ask her what she plans on doing or if she is interested in reconnecting or if its over.

Again, no matter what you do from here it will hurt like hell. Wait a bit to make your final decision. Think it through with a clearer mind than you have now, but the hurt and anger won't really go away until you have D or reconnected.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

Last night I thought things would get better, that she will commit to making this work again with me. Now I'm not sure anymore. I had a bad night and I don't know what to say to her today.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

She came to the bedroom to talk. She told me just now that no matter what happens we must be positive and believe that things will get better. She says that she feels nothing for me and that the children are the only reason why she is still here. That she is divided. I told her how I feel, that I'm so hurt right now that I don't know when I will trust her again, but I am willing to try, to commit myself. I said that I would not treat her wrong and that even though I don't know how we can reconnect again I would try. 
It's very hard to talk to her and not cry, to be in control. I couldn't. She went to shower and said that she can't hear anything more.

She's going to work. I don't want to go to work today so I'm staying home with the kids. If I was alone my mind would suffer and I would be even worse.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

She left for work and I feel somewhat better. I have hope that we will overcome this, eventhough I still feel pain for all of this.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

I believe that she feels overwelmed by all this. I dont' even know if my threat was taken seriously by the other guy and he's told his wife about the affair. 
I want most of all to be in control of my life again. I realize that I could have been a better Husband, but I didn't deserve this. She should have talked before it happened. 
Now it's too painfull. I don't want to touch her at all. And at nights if feels even worse.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Get a MC book on affairs/forgiving. See if what the book talks about is possible for you. Often it puts words to what you are feeling. It gives you perspective on your pain and what to expect in the future and how to deal with it when it arises.

I don't think its uncommon for her to not feel anything for you right now. Thats part of the reason her and many other people cheat. Rebuilding connection and love isn't impossible.


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## hf2011 (Mar 21, 2011)

anx said:


> Get a MC book on affairs/forgiving. See if what the book talks about is possible for you. Often it puts words to what you are feeling. It gives you perspective on your pain and what to expect in the future and how to deal with it when it arises.
> 
> I don't think its uncommon for her to not feel anything for you right now. Thats part of the reason her and many other people cheat. Rebuilding connection and love isn't impossible.


anx:
thank you for your words and support. She left this morning to work and I still thought that that was possible. I have kept myself busy all day, and the facts now seem pretty clear: 
1) she cheated on me with someone from work
2) I may have not been the best husband I could be, but I never closed any doors on her face. If she felt this way she should have come to me clean and we would have separated without the betrayal
3) I want joint custody of our children, something like 50/50.

I'm not a material person, but now I really have to think about my near future if I'm to provide a stable home for my children.

Fortunately my jobs pays reasonably well so I'm not concerned about providing for them. I won't send the logs to his/hers FB friends. That's not the kind of person I am. I threatened that when I was full of anger.

Now that I see things, I believe I deserve better. Someone with principles maybe.

Thank you all who offered advice. This place is invaluable for lost people like I was.


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