# Have a place and planning to leave today



## ZoominINTn (Jan 31, 2013)

Certified noob in this forum. Thanks for allowing me in.

I figured I would post a last ditch effort to get some additional thoughts on my planned exit. I have a place, my friend and business partner's house, and I plan to load everything up and head out tonight, possibly tomorrow.

My wife and I have been married 18 very long very difficult years. Wow, how do you possibly sum up 18 years effectively enough to give you all enough info that's not just one sided but truthful and thorough enough to describe what all has happened? I'll give it the ole college effort.

I will probably fall short of that, but what's new? I seem to fall short in my wife's eyes to everything I attempt. If she asks me to be a better example, I simply say how. I will comply and do. It is never good enough. She has no problem with my children believing the same way, daddy always falls short. The few times where my children have had a problem with their mother, I have sat them down to see what they're feeling, the true root of the problem. By the end of those conversations, they have had to see what all their mother does for them, they are forced to look at her positives while putting out of their minds the negatives about her until they can only say "wow dad, you're right. What was I thinking? She really is a great mom." I know this will be a sacrifice for me though because the second they have a problem with daddy, my wife is in the background nodding in agreement that they are right, daddy does fail in whatever they are referring to. Those children see their mommy as 1% at fault while daddy is almost always 99% at fault.

If mommy provokes daddy and daddy reacts, daddy was wrong for reacting and I will say something to that effect to them and apologize to her and them. If daddy provokes mommy and mommy reacts, daddy was wrong for provoking and same thing, will admit that I failed. I can't share the truth, how both of us were at fault because my children will think I'm being mean to mommy. It's quite the conundrum and it breaks my heart to watch, but I still believe it is the right thing to do to keep my side of the street clean.

Now that's the one sided part. Don't misunderstand, I have not been a saint in this marriage. There is a lot of hurt and pain from the past from my critical demanding ways. I am a perfectionist and have to control my desire to have others join me in making sure everything is dead on and ready for success. I have been overbearing and have done many things that definitely do not deserve any respect. But I've worked on that and am much more accepting of my own flaws and others also. But respect in my home is conditional and nowhere to be found these days. I've been waiting for many years now hoping to earn that respect but it never seems to materialize. It depresses me, makes it tough to continue to be productive anymore when you know that no matter how well you do, in your family's eyes you will no doubt fall short.

I just started a new business that is already taking off. I will be able to work from home and it will only demand 25-30 hours of my week. I can't seem to get anyone on board to enjoy the excitement of this. I do believe my past cannot be overlooked by these poor souls. I have had to learn to overlook my wife's past. I try to show unconditional love and do most of the time. She is the victim, always has been and loves to stay in that comfy cozy mentality where most on the outside pity what all she's had to put up with. She lives in a 3,000 sq. ft. home, owns a 2nd home, but due to financial problems of the last year doesn't feel "secure." So take away the constant unfailing security, and she is justified in again taking away the respect.

I try to exemplify contentment in our home. It's not good enough. I'm still told I'm a bad example and shown the ways I can be a better example. I then follow that and become that example, but there's more ways to be an even better example. I don't know really. I'm just tired. It wears me down. I know I've failed, I know I'm not everything they need in a husband and daddy, but I just get so worn down from it never being enough.

Many moons ago it was the same way for me though. No matter what my wife did, there was always some way she could do it better. That's what I mean by I am just as guilty and actually believe she learned this from me. But that was when I was young and immature and was taking the world by a storm. I was the consummate leader always pushing forward. Join me to go where I'm going or get out of my way. I learned to tone that down a lot but am now paying for my ways of the past.

Obviously there are many other issues. I begged her to go to counseling with me years ago. I ended up going by myself for 2 years to work on me. She did finally go for a few months but only after she saw my desperation of wanting to just be done with this stupid struggle that's been going on between us for 18 years.

I've hurt her badly many times. She's hurt me badly many times. I know this will and does happen in almost every marriage, but we can't seem to get past it. I'm the one that wants to connect emotionally while she would rather watch a football game than talk. I know. It really is bass ackwards. But I've learned to live with that. She hates communication. Any disagreement to her is an argument, black or white, no in-between.

If I ask her to join me in a couples devotional, she will not simply because I am the one that asked her. If I told her I didn't want to do a couples devotional, she would probably tell me I was a bad example for not wanting to and then she would all of a sudden want to. It's kind of sick to be honest all the games that get played around here. It reminds me of high school. :scratchhead:

I'm just tired, that's the only way to describe it. I'm tired, tired of waiting for the number one thing a man needs, respect, only to find out there's just one more thing I need to do to deserve it. For years I couldn't imagine living without her. Now I can't imagine continuing to live with her. I know divorce is awful, disgusting even, but I gotta admit that anywhere other than here looks like Eden from where I'm sitting. Everybody keeps saying think about the kids. I'm thinking that's all I've thought about for 18 years and the only reason we are still together living this miserable existence.

Well, that's it I guess. Any last thoughts before I make this plunge into the unknown would be greatly appreciated. Anything else I can do? Anything else I can try to be? Anything I can maybe try to do even better? Several months ago I started going through the bookshelf full of marriage books that I've already read and practicing anything I could get my hands on but it just doesn't work and I'm at that jumping off point ready to throw my hands in the air saying surely there is something, anything better than this.

Thanks for listening if you made it this far.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Zoom,

Judging from what you've written, it does seem you've taken ownership for the problems you've caused in the marraige. I truly hope that you'll continue to work on your controlling ways as you transition into your new life

If there's one piece of advice I could give you it's that you should apologize to your wife for your transgressions.

Apologize for being that controlling, be with me or move attitude. Apologize for your part in molding her into the type of person she is now. Don't expect anything in return from her. Take the high ground on this one. Let her tell the kids that you've again fallen short but use your time when you're with the kids to show them that they are what matters to you. Don't talk down about their mother!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

It sounds like your relationship is upside down. It can take time to right it, if you are at the place where you can walk away then you are at the place where emotionally you are ready to fix it too.

Consider getting and reading the books a married mans sex life, its not a sex manual but a book about relating to a spouse, also the book No more mister nice guy.

The coping with infidelity section here has a newbie thread which gives some info on what is called the 180.

these are good places to start.


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