# My wife just can't lose weight. Plenty of motivation



## Vortex (Jul 4, 2013)

Hi all, 

Hoping one of you may be able to offer a bit of advice. Here is ours situation - been with wife for six years, married for two, no kids. She has always been overweight, and I always wanted her to lose it for any number of reasons - she did too but never really did anything about it except for a few pounds here and there which swiftly went back on again. 

As with many couples, we both gained weight after getting together and then again after marrying. I've always managed to control my weight with healthy eating and exercise. My wife never used to eat healthily but is much better these days. If I'm around she eats what I prepare, but if I'm not then its take aways, ready meals, snacking etc. Exercise has always been an issue and usually this amounts to very little or one at all in a typical week. A 200m walk needs the car etc. 

Just lately it has become more urgent that something be done about it. 

A while back she was suffering with sciatica. The doctor advised her to lose weight. A few months later she was diagnosed with a fatty liver caused by obesity. Again she was told she must lose weight. Just lately, she has been having fertility investigations (We've been trying for quite a while without success and she is not the ideal age for having children). The doctor has said that in order to be eligible to receive treatment, she needs to reduce her BMI to at least 35, maybe 30. It currently stands at about 40. This means a weight loss of 35 to 70 lbs. That was 2 months ago and since then 7 lbs came off, we went on holiday and it went back on again. We did agree that he diet would be paused for our holiday, which lasted 2 weeks and finished 3 weeks ago. The diet didn't resume though and in 1 month, were seeing the doctor again. Unfortunately it looks like she won't have lost anywhere near enough to get this treatment - if indeed she does need it - and the doctor will probably not take her seriously. We've talked about this kind of thing many times and she knows being overweight does reduce your chances of conception and is especially bad if you're the wrong side of 40. It also increases the chance of pregnancy complications. She understands all this but still can't do anything about it. Her major problem seems to be confidence, and I really don't know what to do. At times it seems like she would rather do anything to avoid dealing with her weight issue even if it means us not having a child and her suffering all kinds of health problems as she heads towards middle age. She will quite happily sit behind the computer/tv all weekend without so much as stepping foot outside the door. House work is hard exercise and very tiring! Hmmm. But not for 3 days....... I could go on and on about all the different things we've tried (home exercise equipment, gym memberships, going for walks, weight watchers, calorie counting etc) but it would only make this post much longer. Does anyone have any insight or experience with this kind of thing? 

Also, what hasn't helped is that in the last few months she's been really down about other people having babies - friends, family, work colleagues. It only serves to highlight the fact that she has not been able to and makes her feel under more pressure to 'produce' for me, my mum, her mum etc She feels like a total failure and I have tried many times to explain that isn't the case at all, and that no one will judge her otherwise. She's constantly expecting me to walk out, even though I keep saying that will never happen. One problem is that I'm much younger, very tall and lots of girls flirt with me. She has zero confidence. We're married and I've never had any intention of changing that but since day 1 she has been convinced I'll leave her. Even in the first few weeks of dating. She is also convinced all my family hate her (they don't). After 6 years and hearing this regularly, I'm a bit stumped. Maybe eventually her total lack of confidence will drive me away, but I hope not. She just can't seem to get past this chronic confidence issue so she can press on with losing weight, sorting her health issues out and perhaps get this treatment so we have a better chance of having a child. Time is running out and she knows this, but still can't empower herself enough to deal with her problems - or challenges, as I like to phrase it. If I so much as mention exercise, dieting or weight loss, its instantly seen as a personal attack, so I can't say anything at all any more. Even then, when I say nothing I'm accused of 'creating an atmosphere'. I just can't help the way I feel, and its hard to keep quiet when so much is at stake. Beyond all of this, I don't want her suffering with all the usual ailments that tend afflict obese people more - diabetes, high blood pressure, heart problems, cancer, stroke etc. 

I guess its clear that her confidence is holding her back, but what can I do? She doesn't believe most of what I say anyway. 

Any advice appreciated. Thanks!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Stop talking.

When she's ready to change she will.

Right now she wants the food more than she wants a baby or anything else.

Your job is to come to peace with this and let it go.

She can't stop over eating she's like an alcoholic.

It's her drug of choice it's how she self soothes.

Her best option is therapy but she must want it for herself.

You can't want it for her.

Sorry it sucks to watch someone you love self destruct.


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## Vortex (Jul 4, 2013)

Some good points. However I've long ago gone past the 'say nothing' strategy......and nothing changed. Sounds like you've been there before? 

She's not that bad an over eater, she just hates exercise in any form and is addicted to digital entertainment.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Have you asked her if she might want to seek counseling?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Vortex said:


> Some good points. However I've long ago gone past the 'say nothing' strategy......and nothing changed. Sounds like you've been there before?
> 
> She's not that bad an over eater, she just hates exercise in any form and is addicted to digital entertainment.


My mother is obese. I watched her struggle with emotional eating. I'm thin and love to exercise. I REFUSE to turn into my mother.

You can lose weight without exercising. That's an excuse. 

Does your wife eat while engaging in her hobby?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I think she needs to deal with her emotional issues first, sounds like she's eating to numb her emotions. 

Would she be open to therapy?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Vortex said:


> Some good points. However I've long ago gone past the 'say nothing' strategy......and nothing changed. Sounds like you've been there before?
> 
> She's not that bad an over eater, she just hates exercise in any form and is addicted to digital entertainment.


I'm married to an alcoholic. Addiction is addiction, no matter what form it takes. I've seen people smoke themselves to lung cancer. I watched my father eat himself to obesity, high blood pressure, and a stroke that cost him his life.

Nothing changes. You can threaten, beg, plead, cajole, argue, whatever. 

If a doctor's warnings are not heeded, why do you think she is going to lose weight for you?

You married a woman with a weight problem.

She still has a weight problem.

IT IS HER PROBLEM. 

You don't own it; she does.

Addictions of any sort are not rational. Why? Because addictions are not grounded in logical, rational thinking. Denial of the problem is the fuel that keeps an addiction chugging along.

Until your wife is ready to face the facts, and at this point she apparently is not, there is nothing whatsoever you can do to make her lose weight.


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## Vortex (Jul 4, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> My mother is obese. I watched her struggle with emotional eating. I'm thin and love to exercise. I REFUSE to turn into my mother.
> 
> You can lose weight without exercising. That's an excuse.
> 
> Does your wife eat while engaging in her hobby?


Not really. I'd say about 2000 calories a day. The weight never comes off unless she cuts it down to about 1200 or less because she's so inactive. Perhaps her metabolism is slower than average.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She may be eating more than you think. Buy preparing foods or eating out of sight, in front of the refrigerator or having extra snacks.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Vortex said:


> Not really. I'd say about 2000 calories a day. The weight never comes off unless she cuts it down to about 1200 or less because she's so inactive. Perhaps her metabolism is slower than average.


Or maybe she has a health problem that causes her metabolism to slow like a thyroid issue.

Are you sure she isn't hiding how much she eats?

My mother hid her eating.


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## Vortex (Jul 4, 2013)

As I said, I dont think eating is that major a problem. Its just she can't manage to go that one step further to actually lose any weight. Plus, when it does eventually come off, it doesn't stay off because her changes are never long term. Exercise has always been the issue. But, like you're all saying, the underlying issue is her emotional state. She has other emotional problems too (relating to an abusive ex) which she never got over. Makes our sex life hard.....but that's another story.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sometimes logging everything you eat is a big eye opener. It can help her see where the damage is coming from. Eating too little can halt your weight lose too.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

Thinking of your new eating plan as a diet doesn't work because it's not life long. Then you go off it for holidays, etc. and gain back weight. It's better to make changes you can stick with forever, even if they are small such as giving up all soda. Same with exercise. If she walked down the block and back every day at least it would be a start. Bottom line, though, is she has to want it enough to change and that might not happen until there are even more health consequences. I'm sorry for you, it's hard to watch someone hurt themselves and she is.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

She sounds miserable, I'm so sorry. Her confidence will not improve until she loses weight, imo. Does she work? Do you have enough money to send her somewhere where she can learn to exercise and eat better? It sounds like you are not in the U.S., but the program by John McDougall is excellent for health and weight loss.


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## Vortex (Jul 4, 2013)

firefly789 said:


> Thinking of your new eating plan as a diet doesn't work because it's not life long. Then you go off it for holidays, etc. and gain back weight. It's better to make changes you can stick with forever, even if they are small such as giving up all soda. Same with exercise. If she walked down the block and back every day at least it would be a start. Bottom line, though, is she has to want it enough to change and that might not happen until there are even more health consequences. I'm sorry for you, it's hard to watch someone hurt themselves and she is.




Indeed. We've discussed that also - life long changes - and she understands. She does know what she has to do and knows changes have to happen but it's just making them happen that's difficult. For example, it's a nice evening here (in the UK) and we've had a cold wet summer so far, so I'm going for a walk while the sun sets. She won't come with me. Too tired after work etc. Which is another thing...she does have a demanding job, but the work always takes top priority, and it always has.


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## Vortex (Jul 4, 2013)

Btw she did go on a proper weight loss/lifestyle change course, which included education about food, calories, carbs etc and exercise plans. She was very enthusiastic to begin with, but it tailed off quickly and didn't follow the food or exercise plan she was given by a dietician/personal trainer. Eventually she quit the class. This was run by our national healthcare system (NHS).


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

Has she ever tried working out with a personal trainer when he/she watched her every move? This has been very successful for me. I have lost overall 10lb and 8% body fat since January. My trainer measures my body composition every week, and it has been a great motivator. My body fat went up once by as much as 3% just by sharing a cake with my husband over the course of that week.
She has to find a form of exercise that she would enjoy. Has she ever tried martial arts? It can discipline her significantly. I have a green belt in kickboxing, and I started it when I was 30 and absolutely loved it as it has a mental component to it as well.
I also don't agree that it is all about exercising. Eating right is a tricky thing. If she used to eat a lot, and she all of a sudden starts eating too little, her body can go into starvation mode and start storing everything. I am sure she knows all that though if she went to classes.
I am convinced that anyone can loose weight IF they really put their mind to it, but that is excluding people with medical conditions. I have personally witnessed it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Vortex said:


> Btw she did go on a proper weight loss/lifestyle change course, which included education about food, calories, carbs etc and exercise plans. She was very enthusiastic to begin with, but it tailed off quickly and didn't follow the food or exercise plan she was given by a dietician/personal trainer. Eventually she quit the class. This was run by our national healthcare system (NHS).


She is not posting here. You are. She doesn't want to lose the weight. 

I'm trying to figure out why her problem is taking up so much space in your head.:scratchhead:

It IS her life. At this point in time, from what you are posting, she is not interested in maintaining a long-term lifestyle to keep off weight.

And the title of your post says she "just can't" lose weight although she has "plenty of motivation."

Obviously she doesn't feel sufficiently motivated, does she?

So what do you want to do? Get her motivated? How?


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## majohnson (Jul 4, 2013)

Vortex said:


> She's not that bad an over eater, she just hates exercise in any form and is addicted to digital entertainment.


 I think you are uncovering another problem that is a contribution to the eating problem and it could be another form of addiction. Over computer consumption is something I deal with myself, but I made the conscious effort to eat healthier and set time for exercises. Eating + sitting at the computer/tv screen goes hand in hand, especially if its facebook or mmorpg, if this is an issue I think it needed to be tackled first. She would have to find another activity she likes to do outside of the screen.



Prodigal said:


> I'm trying to figure out why her problem is taking up so much space in your head.:scratchhead:


 How about the fact that one wants to have a partner who is healthy and therefor more attractive?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

majohnson said:


> How about the fact that *one wants* to have a partner who is healthy and therefor more attractive?


Bingo! He WANTS his wife to lose weight.

But guess what????

His wife DOES NOT want to lose weight. He cannot force her to do so.

Heck, I want the world to be a place of peace, where people can coexist. Who doesn't? 

That doesn't mean what I want, you want, or the OP wants, is going to make it come true.

Heck, I want a sober husband. 

BUT IT ISN'T MY RIGHT TO IMPOSE WHAT I WANT ON ANOTHER PERSON. Get real. Seriously.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

She needs therapy. All the evening walks in the world won't do anything if whe doesn't address her underlying issues.

But she doesn't want to. So you accept her as she is or you leave.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

She sounds clinically depressed. I think you have gone above and beyond to make this work, but as the others have pointed out, there's only so much YOU can do, and you've pretty much covered all that can be done.

There's a poster here who goes by the name of JustSomeGuyWho. His wife is 330 pounds and he's not obese. You might want to read some of his posts. He's had the same problem of getting his wife to lose weight. She wouldn't. She also has a lot of emotional problems.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Prodigal said:


> She is not posting here. You are. She doesn't want to lose the weight.
> 
> I'm trying to figure out why her problem is taking up so much space in your head.:scratchhead:
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I've been a PT for many years and have worked with morbidly obese people such as your wife. The most important thing needed is not a new diet plan or exercise programme it's the *decision* made by the person concerned that THEY want something to change.

Nothing else matters until that mental change is made.

Must add... your wife is not overweight. She is morbidly obese. For her BMI to be 40 she is approx double the weight recommended as ideal. 

Personally I believe there is most likely a mental/emotional aspect that needs to made investigated. It is very self destructive to be so obese and it is stopping her/you both from doing the things you want in life such as having a child, which is very sad and I am sorry for the feelings of loss you both must feel over that. Has she seen a proper counselor regarding her weight? 

But regardless..... as much as this affects you everyday YOU can't fix this for her.


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## wife1981 (Jul 5, 2013)

I have been overweight most of my life. Not by much but always had a little to lose. After two children I finally decided I was going to get serious. Well, I failed a bunch of times and was down about it. My husband and family are very supportive people. It took me going to the dr and he put me on medication. I know this might not sound good. But the last two months I;ve been on meds to help me with my weight loss and focus. I lost almost 30 lbs in 2.5 months. I should be about 130-135 lbs and was 184lbs after giving birth. I'm down to 154 and it has just motivated me to eat healthier. Honestly, my dr said to me. You now have pie cheeks and not one but to tummy roles. Yea it was time. That is how I was motivated. I also tried weight watchers, it worked. I stopped going bc I didn't have time to attend the meetings once a week. My husband is deployed and I'm alone with 2 kids under the age of 2. But bc I had to go to the meeting and weight in, it helped me stay on track.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I just wanted to point something out: 



> How about the fact that one wants to have a partner who is healthy and therefor more attractive?


From the OP: 



> She has always been overweight, and I always wanted her to lose it for any number of reasons


So when you mean "always" do you mean - from the time you met her? IE - she was heavy when you met her, heavy for the four years you dated/were engaged -before- you married her, and has been heavy for the two years you've been married?
And this has been an ongoing source of frustration as you "always wanted her to lose it."

I think that's the key issue here. You want her to lose the weight, you've always wanted her to lose the weight. She has to want this for herself or for the chance of a baby. To truly gain the motivation, to truly have the self-drive to lose the weight, it has to come from within, not from an external source exerting pressure. And if your description of the situation is accurate, that this has been an issue from the beginning of your relationship - and you wonder why she has an issue with confidence. She's heard about it for six years, she's aware there is a problem. 

A pound a week is a reasonable amount of weight loss, so the fact that in two months she had lost 7 lbs is commendable. Neither you nor the doctor can really expect that in 3 months from the time of the first to the second visit she will have lost 35 lbs, unless she's on an extreme "crash" diet. Which I really doubt would be wise to set up someone for a proper pregnancy. 



> makes her feel under more pressure to 'produce' for me, my mum, her mum etc She feels like a total failure and I have tried many times to explain that isn't the case at all, and that no one will judge her otherwise.


"We can accomplish this together, what can I do to be your partner in this journey as we work towards being parents?" And then mean it. Not "no one will judge you." She already feels judged and if "you've always wanted her to lose the weight" - she's felt judged for quite some time. 

Also ...



> As with many couples, we both gained weight after getting together and then again after marrying. I've always managed to control my weight with healthy eating and exercise.


This is contradictory, just saying - either, you both gained weight, or you -always- managed to control your weight with healthy eating and exercise. Obviously both can't be true at the same time. But if somehow you believe they are both true - that you've -always- been a healthy eater (and she hasn't) and you've -always- exercised (but she hasn't) that's setting up thoughts in your head too.


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## kokonatsu (Feb 22, 2013)

It's most important that your wife makes the decision to choose. But you definitely should have some say, I want my husband to tell me when maybe i'm taking things too far, it's good to be accountable. 

I've always been overweight (my version is skewed, so I don't want to say obese, even though I always felt that way. but definitely fat), but recently discovered some exercise that I LOVE and can't get enough of. I'm starting to do it every day, and making the decision to eat right (maybe not even for just yourself, but for the environment.. oh man, i'm a hippie...) is also important. 

But the key for me, I think, was finding something that I LOVED to do more than I loved to eat food, more than I loved to sit on my butt and watch a movie and "relax". 

Also, it's important to realize why she's eating so much. I stress eat, for sure. and i'm just at the stage now where I am bringing only healthy foods into my apartment, so I don't have the option to eat it late at night when I'm feeling snacky. 

those are my two cents: find out why, find something that she LOVES to do (with you, perhaps?) more than she loves to eat and veg at her computer. And be creative about it, there are so many more options than the gym!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

staarz21 said:


> Um it's your right to do something about it. Tell him it is a problem and you aren't going to put up with it. He will make a choice. Will you?


Far be it from me to keep someone from posting a response that has no relevance to what I said.

Or who CLEARLY has no clue whatsoever about my background.

I have told my story numerous times on TAM.

So, here it is for this individual who decided to stick Foot A in Mouth B:

I left my husband on September 25, 2009. I told him I was leaving because I could no longer live with, or tolerate, his alcoholism. 

AND I TOLD HIM I WOULD RESPECT HIS RIGHT TO DRINK AND WOULD NOT IMPOSE MY EXPECTATIONS *ON HIM* TO QUIT DRINKING.

His life. His choice.

Before you go dishing out advice, I would suggest it may be helpful to know a bit about someone else's background.

As always, and sincerely yours ... JMO.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

I was going to suggest thyroid as someone else did above. I have always been thin, but all of a sudden started packing on pounds. I got tested and sure enough thyroid was out. I took meds for 2 years and no weight came off. I finally found a doc that specializes in thyroid, he changed my meds and BAM I have lost a tad over 20 pounds since May 17th. It just takes a doc that is willing to listen. My numbers are level for the first time in over two years.

Has your wife had her thyroid tested? If not, she needs to.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You can't force or talk her into dieting. She's got to do this on her own will and for herself. You need to back off and support her when she is ready.

If her back hurts its even harder to exercise. I have a major neck injury and I can only walk very short distances. If I walk too far, it sends me in unbearable pain for weeks. Your wife might have to start slow and work her way up in exercising when she's ready. It can be overwhelming if you push your body too hard too fast. Biking is a easy exercise and you can start slow. I have my bike on a trainer(bike stand) since I didn't want to buy a stationary bike.

You did meet her while she was overweight. You were accepting of her weight. 

The best thing you can do is support your wife. If she wants to lose weight, she will.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Why not try joining a structured program together, like Weight Watchers? Go work out together, make it something you do together?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Vortex said:


> As I said, I dont think eating is that major a problem. Its just she can't manage to go that one step further to actually lose any weight. Plus, when it does eventually come off, it doesn't stay off because her changes are never long term. Exercise has always been the issue. But, like you're all saying....


Has she had her thyroid checked? If not get her to an endocrinologist. 

Do some reading on this topic... Good gut bacteria could provide new treatment for obesity and diabetes | Mail Online


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> Why not try joining a structured program together, like Weight Watchers? Go work out together, make it something you do together?


They've tried both Weight Watchers and working out together. It really seems like he tried a lot of things...



Vortex said:


> I could go on and on about all the different things we've tried (home exercise equipment, gym memberships, going for walks, weight watchers, calorie counting etc) but it would only make this post much longer. Does anyone have any insight or experience with this kind of thing?


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## Vortex (Jul 4, 2013)

Hi all, 

Thanks for your useful insights/critiques. 

In response to prodigal, 
_
She is not posting here. You are. She doesn't want to lose the weight. 

I'm trying to figure out why her problem is taking up so much space in your head.

It IS her life. At this point in time, from what you are posting, she is not interested in maintaining a long-term lifestyle to keep off weight.

And the title of your post says she "just can't" lose weight although she has "plenty of motivation."

Obviously she doesn't feel sufficiently motivated, does she?

So what do you want to do? Get her motivated? How?_


I think she really does want to lose it, but struggles badly and can never manage to stay on track for long enough for it to make a real difference.

This is important to me because the implications for us both at the moment are huge. We want to have a family. To begin with, she was only a little overweight. Then the pounds crept on, and she struggled to lose them. The first real reason to do something about it was her total lack of confidence. She would walk around her favourite shops looking at clothes she was always just one size too big to wear, as the shop only went up to a size 18 (US 16) and she was nearer a 20. Don't ask me about womens clothes sizes, but she always said they were unrealistically sized. 
Next I would notice how she was always tired and couldn't walk very far without having to stop for breath. Now she does take medication which she says makes her tired, but there's nothing we can do about that. Her doctor did say she would consider reducing her dosage, if she lost weight. Obviously that never happened and as her weight increases, so will the dosage.....its a vicious circle. She's also been very stressed and tired out by her demanding job for as long as I've known her. Work has always taken the bulk of her energy during the week, so I can understand how this hasn't helped. However, its been difficult to understand how she never did make any time for exercise when she has fri sat sun off every other week and sometimes has nothing to do on those days except housework/paperwork and maybe a bit of food shopping. All our friends and all her family live 200 miles away so the social scene doesn't come into it. 
Third was the sciatica, which she suffered with for months after waking up one morning with it. It eventually calmed down but would then flare whenever she tried to walk more than a few hundred meters. We found out later that if she walked regularly for short distances, it wouldn't come back and gradually she was able to increase this walking distance. However, every time she went through a phase of not exercising at all - say several weeks - the sciatica would return. The doctor said losing weight would help as it was putting a strain on her back. 

Fourth - she was diagnosed with a fatty liver, which as I previously explained is something that although not serious right now, needs to be dealt with before it escalates. It can also lead to other health problems including cardiovascular disease. That was maybe six months ago and she is due to return in another six months for a scan. 

The latest thing has been this request from the fertility doctor. 

If you put them all together, there's a lot of reasons why it would be good if she lost the weight. Right now, every time she has some minor health hiccup, she's convinced its going to be something very serious like cancer. She is well aware the risk of almost every major disease rises considerably with BMI. At least she doesn't drink or smoke (I have friends who like to drink a lot who are probably also setting themselves up for future health problems, but that's none of my concern). 


Majohnson, 

_I think you are uncovering another problem that is a contribution to the eating problem and it could be another form of addiction. Over computer consumption is something I deal with myself, but I made the conscious effort to eat healthier and set time for exercises. Eating + sitting at the computer/tv screen goes hand in hand, especially if its facebook or mmorpg, if this is an issue I think it needed to be tackled first. She would have to find another activity she likes to do outside of the screen. _ 

This is definitely part of the problem. Its just breaking the addiction (habits?) that's not easy. Like another poster said, she has to want to change and right now getting home, slouching in front of the tv and going online for the rest of the night is just so easy. 

_How about the fact that one wants to have a partner who is healthy and therefor more attractive?_

I can't deny that all the extra fat is not attractive, but I could never tell her this. It would destroy what little remaining confidence she has left. I'm sure she knows it anyway. Regardless I love her and wouldn't swap her for all the supermodels in the world. 

Lyris, 

_She needs therapy. All the evening walks in the world won't do anything if whe doesn't address her underlying issues.

But she doesn't want to. So you accept her as she is or you leave._

It would be easier to accept if her weight wasn't causing so many issues. I love her for who she is whole heartedly, but it is difficult to watch her health deteriorate like this when something can be done about it. We do also want children and that probably won't happen unless things change, soon. Even if we get lucky, the chances of complications are elevated because of her weight and age. 


Coffee Amore, 

_She sounds clinically depressed. I think you have gone above and beyond to make this work, but as the others have pointed out, there's only so much YOU can do, and you've pretty much covered all that can be done.

There's a poster here who goes by the name of JustSomeGuyWho. His wife is 330 pounds and he's not obese. You might want to read some of his posts. He's had the same problem of getting his wife to lose weight. She wouldn't. She also has a lot of emotional problems.
_

She does have emotional problems, and food is often the answer on the occasions they surface. She doesn't stress eat very often though. Maybe - like another poster said - it all happens without me knowing. Maybe during working hours? She does work near a number of bakeries. 

Waiwera,

_I've been a PT for many years and have worked with morbidly obese people such as your wife. The most important thing needed is not a new diet plan or exercise programme it's the decision made by the person concerned that THEY want something to change.

Nothing else matters until that mental change is made.

Must add... your wife is not overweight. She is morbidly obese. For her BMI to be 40 she is approx double the weight recommended as ideal. 

Personally I believe there is most likely a mental/emotional aspect that needs to made investigated. It is very self destructive to be so obese and it is stopping her/you both from doing the things you want in life such as having a child, which is very sad and I am sorry for the feelings of loss you both must feel over that. Has she seen a proper counselor regarding her weight? 

But regardless..... as much as this affects you everyday YOU can't fix this for her._

This is a great point. I've been making the mistake of trying to get her to do things when she doesn't like being told what to do. Now even suggestions are seen as an aggressive move. What I think is the right thing to do - no matter how 'scientifically correct' it may be, isn't necessarily what she would choose to do and it seems she needs to come to her own conclusions. She's already found weight watchers doesn't work in the long term, and home exercise isn't much fun. Maybe a sport? We have dancing games (wii and kinect and a dance mat) and she likes dancing but never actually uses them. 

Btw she's never had any counselling and I'm sure she'd be offended if I even mentioned it. She just doesn't take criticisms or suggestions well.

You are right though that her mental state must change first. 


Starfish, 
_
if your description of the situation is accurate, that this has been an issue from the beginning of your relationship - and you wonder why she has an issue with confidence. She's heard about it for six years, she's aware there is a problem. _ 

Yep....... 



In response to the thyroid comments, its not impossible. Her medication makes any 'internet diagnosis' impossible and I'm not sure she'd actually entertain the idea. It would be interpreted as another criticism.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Vortex said:


> Some good points. However I've long ago gone past the 'say nothing' strategy......and nothing changed. Sounds like you've been there before?
> 
> *She's not that bad an over eater, she just* hates exercise in any form and is addicted to digital entertainment.


BMI 40 is *morbidly obese*

So it seems you don't see things right here.

It is unresponsible to have kids.

If she wants a change, she needs to feel what is wrong, and to feel what is right.

Morf a baby picture of her and yourself to one. That's how your baby might look like.

Make her eat processed food.
Have her tear apart a copy of the picture.

After every soda,
Have her tear apart a copy of the picture.

After every snack
Have her tear apart a copy of the picture.

Every daily 30 min exercise not performed,
Have her tear apart a copy of the picture.

You can find rewards for eathing an amount of organic food, natural drink, doing 30 min exercise.

Repeat over until BMI under 30.
Continue the good lifestyle,
Continue the pain when erring on the good foods.

Never eat any fastfood anymore. Learn her to love self cooked organic food.

I think you have to give the example. Save her.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

What medication is she on that's giving her these problems, and what is this medication for? Is this medication going to be safe to take if/when she does get pregnant?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm really not sure the psychological abuse of making someone destroy their baby is the way to go about this. And that plan would still put the OP in the seat of -making her- do this.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

A great app/website to track all your calories is Myfitnesspal.com. 

I've struggled my entire life to become and stay thin. I was teased by my family as a child how heavy I was and it made an impact. My metabolism is slower and if I eat 1200 calories or more I'll gain weight. I took up running at age 25(because my husband is a runner) and built myself up to 36 miles a week. Unfortunately I had to quit running 5 years ago due to a major neck injury that left me disabled and in a part time wheelchair. Naturally I gained weight since I need to rest most of the day. I want to stay thin for myself. It's becoming more and more difficult lately and I'm 40 years old. I have a goal to return back to my running size. It's probably an unrealistic goal, but I'm trying.

I count all my calories through Myfitnesspal. I eat around 700-900 calories of all unprocessed healthy foods and I eat chia seeds as an appetite suppressant and superfood the last 3-4 weeks and I've lost a bit of weight. I cut out meat for the time being. I replaced my meat with a serving of quinoa. My husband does all the shopping and I asked him not to buy pre made snacks. I will eat them if available. My will power is not that strong. I do bike, but not enough to make a difference. I haven't touched fast food in over 13 years. We don't feed it to the kids either.

My husband also keeps me motivated unknowingly. He's extremely athletic and loves participating in triathlons and running races. We started off walking 4-5 miles and hiking during our dating period. Not once has he mentioned any weight gain which really has helped me stay on track.(I gained 100lbs twice with each child and I worked my butt of losing it)

My husband knows how I feel about my weight since I tell him. He's only been supportive. When I do gain weight, I don't want to hear anything from my husband. I'd probably stop trying to lose weight if he was on my case. I do not like being told what to do at any time. My husband always has been very supportive of me in everything.

Weight normally does not come off fast. It takes at least 3-4 months before results begin to show. Then there's the dreaded plateau. You have to slightly change your habits to get through the plateau. I have a HS overweight friend that always gives up after about 1-2 months since she doesn't see the results and changing your lifestyle is difficult.

Your wife knows that she needs to lose weight. I hear that weight watchers is a fantastic start of changing your lifestyle. A lot of people have success with curves as well. She will most likely gain more weight during pregnancy and that weight does not easily come off.

Maybe you can get her to start exercising by asking her to go on a daily walk with you without telling her she needs to lose weight or exercise. You could turn these into power walks when she is ready. Have her get a good pair of shoes first if she's willing to participate. I love brooks GTS and so do a lot of people I know. She needs to start small and take baby steps. Jumping in a full workout regimen will overwhelm her and her body.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I agree with Prodigal that she may have a food addiction. You do not really know how much she eats. All the signs are there - extremely defensive about her weight, excuses, etc.

You are co-dependent. You worry constantly about her & because you are too scared to even bring it up for fear of "hurting her feelings" you are an enabler.

I'm sorry. I get it. You love her & want her to be healthy. You want to have children. I feel very badly for you but you cannot "fix" her & the sooner you realize this, the sooner you can reach a place of peace & serenity of either accepting the situation or leaving.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

We can't make others do what they should no matter how much we wish we could. We either live with their choices or we don't.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You seem to have tried everything, so I don't know if these suggestions would help, but perhaps one of these may suit her personality.

Set a weight loss goal with her, and offer an incentive of something she really wants: a dream vacation, expensive jewelry, a whole new wardrobe, or whatever you think may motivate her. 

Have her join someone else in weight loss goals so she has someone she can call when the urge to overeat hits. 

Pay for a weight loss camp, some program where she is gone for 2-4 weeks with monitored meals and exercise. This may show her that she can indeed lose weight.

If practical, have her change jobs. She is self-soothing from the job stress with food.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> I'm really not sure the psychological abuse of making someone destroy their baby is the way to go about this. And that plan would still put the OP in the seat of -making her- do this.


It is the pain and pleasure principle applied to fastfood and soda's.

The 'abuse' is the creating of a psychological barrier to these and other processed food.

The justification is the gravity of the situation. She won't be able to have kids is she is very obese, but she also is dying, she needs to be shocked into reality.

If she really wants kids she will be motivated to go on a new road. Further there are many ways to do it, but at this BMI I would suggest something like NLP.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

> Not really. I'd say about 2000 calories a day. The weight never comes off unless she cuts it down to about 1200 or less because she's so inactive. Perhaps her metabolism is slower than average.


This is total BS. In order to maintain a BMI of that level, she is eating more than 2000 calories. It probably takes 4000+ calories a day to maintain that level of mass. You guys need to log EVERYTHING that goes in your mouth. My guess is you both are severely underestimating caloric intake. It seems like she has gone through lots of testing and a metabolic disorder would have been detected.

Honestly, many people are content in their unhappiness (obesity, addictions, etc...). They don't really want to change because they know what their world is like currently and are afraid to experience a new world.

Your wife is not going to change until she is ready. I have coached more people than I can count on fitness/nutrition/lifestyle changes/etc.. to bring about a healthy lifestyle. It is has gotten to where I can tell in the first 10 minutes if the person will be successful or not. Based on your descriptions, you wife has a lot of issues to deal with before she is ready to deal with her weight.

So, you can encourage her, but nothing will change until she sees a need to do so. She may be telling you one thing, but her actions dictate another.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Any possibility of weight loss surgery ? 

My neighbor is actually going to do this a couple weeks, and she's 46 and has 3 kids, two of which are adults. And by your description of your wife, she is not as heavy, but has simply come to the the conclusion that she has tried for years, and now she is worrying about health issues going forward.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

bbdad said:


> This is total BS. In order to maintain a BMI of that level, she is eating more than 2000 calories. It probably takes 4000+ calories a day to maintain that level of mass. You guys need to log EVERYTHING that goes in your mouth. My guess is you both are severely underestimating caloric intake. It seems like she has gone through lots of testing and a metabolic disorder would have been detected.
> 
> Honestly, many people are content in their unhappiness (obesity, addictions, etc...). They don't really want to change because they know what their world is like currently and are afraid to experience a new world.
> 
> ...


Agree. Agree. Agree.

You're wife does not want to lose the weight. It's as simple as that. She's talking a good game to satisfy both of you, but she isn't willing to put in the effort.

She has to decide to do this for her... and to be honest, if the health scares aren't doing it, I'm unsure as to what would really trigger a complete lifestyle change.

ETA- Two and a half years ago I weighed 315 (ish) on a 6'1 frame. I now weigh 215. It can be done, but it is up to her.


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## pinktrees11 (Jun 8, 2013)

I think she will never lose any weight until she addresses her emotional issues. From your post, she strikes me as an unhappy person. Unhappy within. It looks like she really doesn't love herself or even like herself and has a hard time accepting your love. I would suggest therapy, even if she gets offended by it. I'd emphasize that it's not even about her losing weight, but her becoming a happy person. 
p.s you seem like a really nice guy. It does seem like you are very codependent but I feel you truly love and care about your wife, therefore I do understand your concerns.


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

Maybe you need to see a therapist as a couple. You are clearly concerned for her health and if you do have children I am sure she would want to be around to play and be there for her kids and not parenting from the couch. The therapist can help you talk to her. 

Also if you want kids, and she isn't willing to make some lifestyle changes, then know if that is a reason to stay.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I completely understand your concern for her weight.

Weight is often hard to get off. Exercise alone is often not enough, especially walking alone 

From my experience, it can be difficult. I play tennis several days a week. I also have started a boot camp workout. I've been watching what i eat and have cut sweets almost entirely. I have not lost even one pound in a month of doing this. Very frustrating! I have continued to gain weight over the last year, even while playing tennis, walking etc. I am now 40 lbs over my target weight and am very upset by it. 

So I just want to say that it can be difficult, even when doing the right thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

The one recommendation I never see to the men who are lamenting about their wives weight is "take over the cooking and grocery shopping." One of your responders said one of the reasons she is successful is because her husband does the grocery shopping and doesn't buy junk food.

I don't buy that she doesn't want to lose weight. She wants to, she feels like a failure at it. I've been successful at losing weight before but it's hard for me to STICK to changes if they are drastic and I think that is simply human. 

It is a lot of work to change the way you eat because it means changing the way you plan menus, grocery shop AND cook. It's more complicated if you do those things on behalf of more than yourself. 

Take over the cooking and shopping. Make healthy meals and snacks for her. Start by reducing her daily calorie intake by 100 the first week, another 100 the second week, etc. (And notice how much work that is.) When you "suggest" to a woman that she lose weight she will 1) feel crappy about herself and want to eat more 2) doubt herself because of all the times she's failed before and 3) feel overwhelmed by the amount of work it is on top of everything else she does. If you take over the meals, THEN you can say you've done everything you can.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

It's my experience (and recommendation from the bodybuilder community, they really know what they do) you can have 500 kcal reduction at most, do more and you will fail.

It is easier then you might expect, because if you would count what you have each day, it will be much, very much higher than you should have.

A second thing: If you start eating more healthy you will find out that healthier foods will keep you filled longer. Very beneficial to the whole effort.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

In case it's not mentioned yet enough:

The Key is cutting the sugar content of all your food choices....


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> It's my experience (and recommendation from the bodybuilder community, they really know what they do) you can have 500 kcal reduction at most, do more and you will fail.
> 
> It is easier then you might expect, because if you would count what you have each day, it will be much, very much higher than you should have.
> 
> A second thing: If you start eating more healthy you will find out that healthier foods will keep you filled longer. Very beneficial to the whole effort.


My experience is that even a 500 calorie reduction overnight can be drastic - especially if you eat a lot of carbs - which is why I know for me, I have to wean myself off of sugar and bread before I can think about calorie reduction. And I do think a food journal is helpful - I'm sure you know there are lots of studies out there that show how successful these can be. However, I would say they stop being successful if they become a way to beat yourself up.

My point is that its not the method by which she loses weight that is at issue here - it is how does the husband get the wife to do something the wife isn't doing? Women do a lot and they get to feeling overwhelmed by it. Counting calories in and of itself is not a lot of work, but doing it on top of all the other things you do can be overwhelming. If the husband really feels motivated to help her, then lighten her load by doing the work for her. When you see a job that needs to be done, it's yours.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

Vortex said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Hoping one of you may be able to offer a bit of advice. Here is ours situation - been with wife for six years, married for two, no kids. She has always been overweight, and I always wanted her to lose it for any number of reasons - she did too but never really did anything about it except for a few pounds here and there which swiftly went back on again.
> 
> ...


Quoting from what you said ^ here, "..if I so much as mention exercise, dieting or weight loss, its seen as a personal attack". 

Maybe an approach that does focus more on health and less on weight/dieting is the way to go. I had the time to do the research, not sure if you do. But I did (and continue to do) exhaustive research on health and wellness. With the goal of restoring excellent health and preventing illness going forward, we made some lifestyle changes. The weight loss just naturally followed. But it was never discussed as part of the overall goal, just a happy by-product. 

Going with a whole foods approach, organic to the degree your wallet affords you and as non-GMO as possible and somewhat ketogenic...health will make a big leap forward and weight will naturally take a dive. So its a win-win.

If you're interested in any resources about that kind of lifestyle, feel free to ask. Best wishes to you both.


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