# Married to a high functioning alcoholic



## winstonwillie

I'm married to an alcoholic. Have been for 10 years. I'm done with this. It's over for me. I don't love him anymore. I am going to leave him. I have no money of my own at all. He has drank up most of our savings. We live on Social Security. 

My question is this: My family live completely across the country. I want to move closer to them.

We have joint credit cards. I want to use one of these credit cards to rent a UHaul and drive it cross country. I know we have about $4,000 in a safety deposit box and I want to take enough of that to pay for my gas and motel while I travel cross country.

Could I get into trouble with the law or someone if I do this?????

I know I risk causing my husband to possibly do physical harm to me, but he has never hit me before or anything like that.


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## winstonwillie

Let me add, that we did seek counseling, however all my husband did is lie to the couselor. So, that didn't work.

I have some experience with alcoholics in my family and I do know that an alcoholic won't get better until "they" are ready, and "they" realize that they have a problem.

I'm done, I'm extremely tired, I'm 64 years old and I will not live out the rest of my life with an alcoholic, and all of the problems that come with alcoholism.

He will not move out. We are renting and we are in the first year of a three year lease. If anyone leaves the home it has to be me. And as I said I have no money of my own. I do not even have my own car. My husband has kept me at his mercy since we've been married....10 years. Before we married I was a very independent woman who had been single for 20 years, and I became insane I think and fell for his line of bull and married him. I have not worked since we married. 

My family live on the West coast and I live on the East coast. I have an elderly mother who needs me. I'm an only child. I have no one here, so it would be best if I moved closer to my mother.

Yes, our credit will be whacked when I leave, because my husband won't stay in this home for the duration of the lease.

If I were to file for divorce here in this state, then one of has to immediately leave the home. That person would have to me be because he won't leave. In this state a divorce IS NOT final for one year. Honestly, I would stay here in this city, because I do like it here, but given my mother is elderly and could use my help I think I need to go back home. I was married once before and my ex husband is deceased, so I would be able to collect $1,400.00 Social Security on him, but not until my divorce is final. I now collect $1,100.00 in Social Security. If I file for divorce in my home state, it only takes 6 weeks for the divorce to be final, then I could collect more Social Security.

I just thought that since the money we have is community money, and we have credit cards in both of our names, why can't I just get a moving truck and charge the move on one of our credit cards. Also, we have about $4,000 in a safety deposit box, so why couldn't I take "enough" of that to pay for the gas and motel while I'm traveling. I do deposit my Social Security check into our joint checking account, so I would be using some of my own money. I do think the move would cost me around $6,000.00.

I need some advice on all of this.


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## PieceOfSky

You need legal advice. Offhand, fleeing sounds like a great idea, but details of how you go about it probably matter.



I worry there might be complications in getting a divorce so quickly from a state in which he does not reside.



Are you certain you do not qualify for some of your deceased ex-husbands social security even now (I have no reason to think you do, just wondering and hoping for you.)



I am not a lawyer but if the credit account is in your name too, then I don't know how there could be a problem charging to it.



But understand it goes both ways, too. He can charge what he wants at any time.



Filing for divorce, or even separation, protects you from debts he might take on (charge) from that point forward -- I think.



How much stuff do you have to transport? Do you have an automobile you would be driving or towing behind, too?



If you filed now, and he chooses to stay in the home, it does not mean he gets to stay. When there are disputes, judges decide. In my area, it takes three weeks to get a hearing for such things.



Lawyers will discuss your situation to some extent for free...sort of an initial consultation. There may also be free legal advice available to you in your area.



I really think it is important to talk to a lawyer to make sure you know all your options before deciding.


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## PBear

Well... Ideally you'd talk to a lawyer. You need to confirm if there's a residency requirement in your destination state, meaning do you have to live there for a period of time before you can file?

Legally, you're entitled to half your assets. And you're also entitled to half your debt, including the lease you're both on the hook for). So when your divorce is finalized, all that will need to be taken into account. Perhaps if you try to be "reasonable" in your spending as you exit, a judge (if it comes to that ) will take that all into account.

I do question some of your plan, though... Why will it take $6000 to drive across the country? Do you have family on the other end that you can stay with? Is there that much stuff to take that you need a van? 

Again, your best bet is to get legal advice from an actual lawyer...

C


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## winstonwillie

I'm the original poster.

Let me answer some of the questions you have.

First of all where I live here there is no such thing as a "Free Consulatation" with an attorney. I called several months ago and it was going to cost me about $225.00 per hour to see an attorney. I called Legal Aid and there was an extremely long "wait" list before I could see an attorney there.

Two: I have no car.

Three: The $6,000 was a quote I received about a year ago to rent the truck, have someone pack up most of the furniture, boxes, etc. Have someone load the truck, unload the truck, pay for the men's labor to do the loading, unloading  pay for my gas on the truck, and motels/food, and this was also to cover the cost of the Storage Unit at the destination.
I have since taken another look at this cost and have just today decided that I don't need to take as much as I had originally wanted to take. So, that cost could go down to say 1/2 of that which would be $3,000. I still think that the cost could be more than $3,000 but I'm not sure.

Bear in mind that my husband would be here watching everything I do, meaning if I do all of the packing of the boxes myself, then I will need to go purchase the boxes, etc. How do I get them into our car?????? Since we only have one car, what if my husband sabotaged my efforts and when I needed to use the car to go get the boxes, he drives off for a while. This wouldn't surprise me. Hence, my thought of just having guys come over and pack up what I wanted to take. They would bring the boxes, etc. It would get done much quicker and I could get out of here faster, causing less stress and strain.

We have no debt. We pay our credit cards off each month. We have no auto payments. Our income is about $4,500.00 per month. Trust me it is gone at the end of each month due to drinking. 

I've thought about seeing an attorney, but I didn't want to pay one for a consultation. Yes, I understand about the rent debt, but what else can I do? I have no family who will give me money to make this move????

Yes, I could sit here, take my Social Security money I have deposited in our joint account, and open up another checking account, deposit my $1,100.00 each month to a seperate account and just wait until I have enough money saved, THEN USE THAT MONEY to leave on. The problem with that is all kinds of hell will break loose when my husband finds out I've stopped putting my social security check into our joint account.

As far as receiving the $1,400.00 social security money from my dead ex husband. I've called the Social Security office and I was told that I must be divorced before I can get that money.

In the state of my destination I need to be a resident of that state for 6 weeks before I can file for divorce. I've looked into this and I have found that I CAN FILE in that state on my husband who lives in another state. 

Ok, now the issue with staying here, filing for divorce here. Say my divorce attorney says that my husband leaves the rented home. Ok, he pays the rent, so he stops paying the rent, utilities, etc. Now, where do I go when I get evicted?????????? Yes, I could ask in my divorce if I file here, that my husband give me enough money to move away, also ask for my husband to pay for my $289.00 per month medical insurance until the divorce is final (1 year). Then I could get on Medicaid. HOWEVER, this doesn't mean that a judge would give me any of this. So, then what would I do??????

My mother has told me I could come and stay with her till I find a low income place to live. I will need to seek employment somewhere and get a job.

I hope I have answered all of your questions. I HATE THIS, AND I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO????


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## PBear

Your situation is complicated enough that you really should invest in legal advice. Even if you have to delay your exit to pay for it. Your plan is full of holes and risk. What makes you think your husband is just going to sit there and watch your movers pick up half your/his stuff? What makes you think he's not going to report your credit cards as stolen or just cancel them as soon as he knows what you're up to? Why do the two of you have money sitting in a safety deposit box instead of a bank account, and are you sure it's still there?

C


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## PBear

Oh... And since your question isn't at all about your husband's alcoholism, you'll likely get more responses in one of the less specific areas, like the "General Relationship" or "Considering Divorce" ones. 

C


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## winstonwillie

Well, that is a good point, I will ponder on paying the 225.00 for an attorney and see what he says. What I would ask for is this: Enough furniture to furnish a one bedroom apartment because I would have to stay here until the divorce was final. Some money to support myself until I found a job, as $1100.00 wouldn't be enough, say $500.00 per month until I secure a job. I would want him to pay for my medical insurance $289.00 UNTIL the divorce was final. I don't think that is too much to ask for 10 years of hell.

As far as the money in a safety depost box............my husband demanded that be put there............there was to be no discussion about it whatsoever.

One thing is I have changed my mind as to what I would like to take. I only want to take the spare bedroom furniture, and my personal items such as clothes, etc. I do want to take my sewing machine and my quilting tools. That's about it, no other stuff. My husband has always wanted us to live in a studio apartment, have a minimalistic homelife. So, trust me, he wouldn't want anything we have, so he wouldn't stop me from taking it all.

Well, I didn't know which forum to post this in, so I will consider posting in another forum.


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## PBear

No problem on the forum. The other ones just get more traffic. You can message one of the people listed as a "Moderator" to move this one over, if you like.

Why not find a job first, THEN tell him you want out? If you are considering staying in the area...

Do you have access to the safety deposit box? When's the last time you actually saw the money in there? What makes you think he hasn't spent it already?

And finally, unless your furniture is really nice, wouldn't it be about as cheap to just buy new stuff wherever you end up? Much less hassle, too. 

C


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## winstonwillie

Ok, I will try that regarding moving this to another forum.

About two weeks ago my husband was in the Safety Deposit Box. Because he did pull $2,000 out then to pay a bill. I do have access to the key. As soon as I can have access to the car, I will then go and see if the money is still there, then I will take enough money out and go see an attorney.

As far as the bedroom furniture is concerned. It consists of a Antique Repoduction Iron Bed that I could never replace. This bed cost $2,000, so I just don't want to leave. The only other piece of bedroom furniture I wanted to take is an antique oak dresswer with mirror. I guess I could leave that; it cost $800.00.

Ok, as far as the job goes. About a year ago when I started really thinking of getting out of the marriage, I told my husband I wanted to go look for a job. I told him I would be willing to ride the public bus system. I also then told him I planned on buying my own car with the money I made. He almost went balistic on me. Told me I WAS NOT TO SEEK EMPLOYMENT, that he'd have to pay more taxes, and there was no way he was willing to do that!! End of discussion !!! I can make up to $700.00 per month working before the Social Security would start taking part of my income.

Thanks for listening.


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## PBear

winstonwillie said:


> Ok, I will try that regarding moving this to another forum.
> 
> About two weeks ago my husband was in the Safety Deposit Box. Because he did pull $2,000 out then to pay a bill. I do have access to the key. As soon as I can have access to the car, I will then go and see if the money is still there, then I will take enough money out and go see an attorney.
> 
> As far as the bedroom furniture is concerned. It consists of a Antique Repoduction Iron Bed that I could never replace. This bed cost $2,000, so I just don't want to leave. The only other piece of bedroom furniture I wanted to take is an antique oak dresswer with mirror. I guess I could leave that; it cost $800.00.
> 
> Ok, as far as the job goes. About a year ago when I started really thinking of getting out of the marriage, I told my husband I wanted to go look for a job. I told him I would be willing to ride the public bus system. I also then told him I planned on buying my own car with the money I made. He almost went balistic on me. Told me I WAS NOT TO SEEK EMPLOYMENT, that he'd have to pay more taxes, and there was no way he was willing to do that!! End of discussion !!! I can make up to $700.00 per month working before the Social Security would start taking part of my income.
> 
> Thanks for listening.


Why do you listen to him when he goes on a rant? You're a grown woman, and you can do what you like.

C


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## winstonwillie

I understand what you are saying.

To be blunt honest with you, he is not only a raging alcoholic, he is a control freak !! I am a little afraid of him. If I don't abide by what he says or does, trust me I pay dearly. Not in the physical sense as he hasn't hit me, but he has come close. He punishes me in other ways when I don't do as he says.


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## PieceOfSky

The moderators are the ones with the green plus side by their names on the front page of this site. If you are not waffling on whether to divorce but how, I suggest having the thread moved to Going Through Divorce and Separation forum.



The way I have asked for thread moves before is by just sending one a Private Message.


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## PieceOfSky

Considering he could cause trouble when you pack up and leave, I wonder if there is someone in law enforcement you could seek advice from beforehand, explaining he drinks and any worries you might have about his potential for behaving badly.



Do you live in a city, town, or somewhere rural?



Do you have anyone there that can help you pack up or run interference while you do?



The reason I asked about the amount of stuff to haul etc., is it is a very long drive, and perhaps it would be cheaper and less stress to just fly, and ship the important stuff UPS or even more cheaply.



Has he ever threatened to harm you? Has he ever been violent towards you?


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## winstonwillie

Thanks, will do !


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