# having problems getting over an affair..



## misslizzy89 (Mar 14, 2011)

My husband cheated on me prior to us getting married.. about 2 years ago. I know that most think I was stupid for marrying him anyway, but what can I say? I'm in love with him. He has not slept with any more women since however, he did have a sexting relationship with one of his exes after we got married. He still doesn't understand that it made me trust him less because he doesn't consider that cheating. 

It probably would not have hurt me as bad had I not just found him saying on his Facebook messages (we both have each other's passwords to all online sites) that he was giving me 5 years to "straighten up" and if I didn't meet his standards, he would leave me for her. Now they no longer talk because she does not want to be the reason for our divorce and after I found the messages, he promptly corrected the situation and told her he loves me and will not leave me no matter if I "straighten up" or not. This also happened right after I started trusting him again also. 

My husband is really aggrivated because I keep brining both of these up so maybe we can talk them through and I can get over them faster. I love him and since these two incidents, I have not heard of nor found anymore evidence of him doing any of these things. It has now been a year since the last breach of trust. 

I don't want him to leave because I can't get over these. It has turned me into a jealous person, which I am not usually. I have now started letting him go hang out with friends (male and female) and so far he has not been alone with any more women. I know he is making a really big effort now to be loyal to our marriage but the past is still hurting me. Every time he leaves I still have that small voice in the back of my head telling me I can't trust him. I try to shut it off, but it keeps persisting. His female friends found out about this and most are now insisting they meet me so I know who they are and that they will not sleep with him. 

What can I do to get over this and/or shut that voice off? I think part of the reason why I can't get over this is because I am too afraid that he will hurt me again and I know, mentally, I can not go through that pain again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are going to have to have a big talk with him.

The thing that is troublesome here is that he doesn't consider what he did "cheating." Until he owns that, you face an uphill battle. He had inappropriate relationships. 

Good for you for calling him out on it. You need to decide what you want to do.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

What you could do that might either piss him off or make him happy is to become friends with his friends. Does he invite you to go hang out with them? 

You should probably see an individual councelor for a while and maybe ask him one day to come into a session, or even ask him start marriage counseling after working with an IC for a while. There are definately some problems in your marriage, and if they aren't addressed and you guys don't communicate then things will only get worse. Communication is key and he needs to realize this.

If you start IC go for a while by yourself and let your C know that you would like to invite your H in sometime. Offer your H to join you occassionally and if he turns you down just go by yourself. Explain to him that you would really appreciate if he would go and always try to stay in a good mood because you want him to join you because it will be unpleasant if he feels forced to go.

Like I said go for a while by yourself and then invite him. Also let him know that you would really like to go to IC and see if he would like to see an IC of his own. He probably will decline and say he doesnt need to see a C and just tell him that its fine and that your going to go see one.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I cheated on my wife and had to endure her mistrust and questioning.

We went to marriage counseling and it was all laid out. I understood that I needed to regain her trust, but she also understood that going back and rehashing the details of the affair were counterproductive to getting the marriage back on track.

So without the guidance of a marriage counselor to allow a final "review" of what went on, you will probably keep annoying him with questions and continue to distrust him.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

The hurt has to be removed from your heart by yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

MsLonely said:


> The hurt has to be removed from your heart by yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't concur with this statement/opinion.

People can help you through this. If its something you had to do completely by yourself, would being on this site be kind of futile? That is unless I took that the wrong way and you meant something like; The hurt is not going to go away unless you really want it to?


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## airplane (Mar 15, 2011)

So how do you get your spouse to get over an affair from 11 years ago. Sometimes I feel held hostage from my past no matter how hard I try to be the husband I wasn't. I think at some point she needs to forgive me and let it go.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

airplane said:


> So how do you get your spouse to get over an affair from 11 years ago. Sometimes I feel held hostage from my past no matter how hard I try to be the husband I wasn't. I think at some point she needs to forgive me and let it go.


I suppose it all depends on the person, remember that everyone is different so there isn't really a basic guide to human beings and if there was it would only apply to the general population.

11 years ago when it all went down, did you guys talk about it or was it kind of stuffed in the closet? Did you and your wife go to counseling or anything?

This is all really situation pending so it's hard to give an opinion/advice with no information.


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## Gongo88 (Mar 15, 2011)

That's the problem with relationships - too many people feel so "attached" that they can't imagine living without the person they're with.

For those people I recommend watching Cast Away starring Tom Hanks. It'll help you reverse-engineer your relationship.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

messed up thing is with my messy situation...my husbands latest EA, she actually suggested we meet for a drink, didn't know if it would be weird LOL...while she was telling my husband behind my back otherwise that she loved him. She actually asked me for daycare advice!!!!! Just be careful girl. She actually encouraged me to txt and talk with her F*$*$ that.

BTW I have seen the movie with Tom Hanks....it made me more in love with the hubby than ever....quote.....tomorrow the sun will rise..FAVE quote from that movie.


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## justsam (Mar 14, 2011)

How can you live with that doubt always permeating in you head?


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## lpycb42 (Feb 19, 2011)

There is love and then there is being stupid. You my dear are stupid and you are being played. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it's the truth. You have landed quite the catch there... he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Wants to have a good woman by his side who will tend to him, cook for him, fold his clothes, etc etc. while having fun with others. HA! Who does he think he is? 

This isn't a marriage worth fighting for. That individual was never invested in it. He doesn't love you. If you have an ounce of self-respect, file for divorce and kiss his sorry ass goodbye.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

ok, I get the being in love, I question all the time if I am being stupid. I suggest going into IC for both of you and doing some MC, somewhere along the way. At least you will find your way, and maybe he will figure himself out. I know you don't have kids, and haven't been married long, but if you feel you truly want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, fight for it. You are much younger than me, we had kids and got married young, IMO people CAN change for the better, but it's up to them, so maybe give it some time? You are the only one that knows you, get some IC to find yourself first, that is what I am doing.


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## lpycb42 (Feb 19, 2011)

paramore said:


> ok, I get the being in love, I question all the time if I am being stupid. I suggest going into IC for both of you and doing some MC, somewhere along the way. At least you will find your way, and maybe he will figure himself out. I know you don't have kids, and haven't been married long, but if you feel you truly want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, fight for it. You are much younger than me, we had kids and got married young, IMO people CAN change for the better, but it's up to them, so maybe give it some time? You are the only one that knows you, get some IC to find yourself first, that is what I am doing.


Usually, I'd say fight for it. Try to make the effort. In this case it's pointless, at least based on what she posted. He cheated on her before they got married, he continued to cheat on her soon after they got married, and will continue to do so until his little friend falls off. In this case, it wasn't years of routine or a strained loveless marriage what made him cheat. He did it because he's apparently extremely egocentric and delusional, and thinks of himself as the king of... something. He doesn't respect her one bit. To humiliate and demean his WIFE by posting such a vile status on his FB page KNOWING that she can access it at any time, is not only extremely manipulative (wants to make her feel like she needs to do everything he wants her to do, so he doesn't leave her), but also unforgivable to me. That alone would be reason enough for me to dump his dumb ass.


Anyway, you don't need to live like this. You don't deserve to not go to bed happy and knowing that your man loves you and no one else. You deserve to be loved and respected and cherished.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

this is true Lpy...she should NOT have to live like this...I was simply giving my opinion, I am NOT a person that can judge others, since I have made really crappy decisions. I am unfortunately one that has been a person that has made sh*tty stupid decisions, quite unlike I would being in my normal state...(NORMAL I SAY!!! LOL) It just amazes me how my situation has knocked me back so far to where I feel I truly am, and just giving my two cents.

I am an emotional person by fault, I just wanna help others, regardless if my marriage works or not.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

lpycb42 said:


> Usually, I'd say fight for it. Try to make the effort. In this case it's pointless, at least based on what she posted. He cheated on her before they got married, he continued to cheat on her soon after they got married, and will continue to do so until his little friend falls off. In this case, it wasn't years of routine or a strained loveless marriage what made him cheat. He did it because he's apparently extremely egocentric and delusional, and thinks of himself as the king of... something. He doesn't respect her one bit. To humiliate and demean his WIFE by posting such a vile status on his FB page KNOWING that she can access it at any time, is not only extremely manipulative (wants to make her feel like she needs to do everything he wants her to do, so he doesn't leave her), but also unforgivable to me. That alone would be reason enough for me to dump his dumb ass.
> 
> 
> Anyway, you don't need to live like this. You don't deserve to not go to bed happy and knowing that your man loves you and no one else. You deserve to be loved and respected and cherished.


Dear God if ever there was a post that nailed it so hard, this is it!!!
His crap should be in garbage bags on the front lawn. He is a cheater, a liar, a bully, a manipulator and a coward. Get rid of the bum.


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