# A female, single boss invited my husband for a dinner



## Camefromeurope (Apr 27, 2019)

My husband's boss is a young, single woman that has invited him for a dinner, just two of them. He told me about it, but also mentioned she wants to get to know him better and have an "out of office conversation" with him, which means they won't be talking about work. I know she is single and she is not even 30. My husband is new in that company as well as other two or three guys.
My husband already accepted her invitation and they should meet in three days, just my husband and this woman. Why does not she invite all the new members of the company, but only my husband?
We have been married for almost a year, no kids. 
Also - I am not from USA but from Europe where even an invitation for a dinner in two (male plus female) is taken as a date when this comes from a single person.

Is this a normal process in States having a dinner with your bosses (not just a work dinner, but a personal one) even though you are married? Is this just something what is different in my culture and is normal here? I am a little bit scared this lady wants to get closer to my husband through the dinner and I feel like she should not be so willing to meet my husband alone and invite him to go out with him. Seems very unprofessional to me. Thanks for any advice.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It is wrong.

She needs to be reported to her bosses.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Camefromeurope said:


> My husband's boss is a young, single woman that has invited him for a dinner, just two of them. He told me about it, but also mentioned she wants to get to know him better and have an "out of office conversation" with him, which means they won't be talking about work. I know she is single and she is not even 30. My husband is new in that company as well as other two or three guys.
> My husband already accepted her invitation and they should meet in three days, just my husband and this woman. Why does not she invite all the new members of the company, but only my husband?
> We have been married for almost a year, no kids.
> Also - I am not from USA but from Europe where even an invitation for a dinner in two (male plus female) is taken as a date when this comes from a single person.
> ...


I am British and its completely inappropriate. 
Its also concerning that your husband said yes. Had it been all of their work colleagues going that's different but one on one, no way. As you say why hasn't she asked the other new men as well. Or has she already taken them out one on one?
Why does she need to know more about him anyway? Why alone? 
How about you suggest you both go so that she can get to know you both together? 

Do you work? If you do ask him if would be ok if you went out to dinner with a man you work with. Maybe say oh that's nice, while you are out I can have a meal with this guy at work who keeps asking me out. 

I would never go out for a meal with another man. Its asking for trouble. He is either being very naïve or very stupid. He needs to set some sensible boundaries. 

He should have said. I would love to come, where shall my wife and I meet you? Her reaction would have been very telling. 

Have you told him that this isn't on?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Trouble coming. Not normal


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Play on, player.......Instant job promotion.......


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not only in Europe could that be considered a date.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I was asked by a boss of mine (Female) for a LUNCH to get to know me --- first week I was there.
But NOT phrased in the way his boss is doing it -- was just a thing she did for all new folks in the group. No issues, no flirting, etc. . Told my wife, no hiding or anything. He at least is telling you this, which is really good. HE needs to be on-guard and make sure he has his boundaries set for your marriage (I certainly did -- there was NO fuzzy around the fact I was very happily married).
Dinner is a bit much -- lunch i would understand more. Make sure if he DOES go that he needs to protect your marriage.

KEEP your eyes open and make sure HE does also.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

your husband should e-mail her and negotiate for lunch instead. He'll have a record of making that suggestion and she'll have to explain why lunch won't work.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I never heard such a thing.. And I wouldn't like it either. She can talk with him at work or even thru a business dinner with the other guys/girls.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

I wouldn't want to go if I were your husband unless I had a hidden recorder taping the entire interaction. 
Nope.
Nope. 
Nope.
Really? 

That's just me.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

He has a couple of options. One way is to tell her that his wife wasn't comfortable with the idea. He can also just say no thank you, and report to HR if she persists. 

I've never invited a single employee (male or female) to dinner except when we were out of town for work and then I was careful to word it in a way that would provide an easy way for them to say no. 

He can also go and talk about his family.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I would be just as angry with him for excepting the invitation in your shoes. If my wife came home and told me her new boss asked her out for dinner to get to know her better and they are going out Friday night so I need to be home to watch the kids. My response would be something to the tune of

"like hell you are going on a date with this scumbag! Who the **** do you think you are? Who do you think I am? What in the **** is going on right now? What's this guy's name? Give me your phone, I'm about to call this son-of-a-*****! I'll get back to you in a second..."

Talk about a good way to start a fight!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Even on Mars this is bull****.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

In no way, shape or form is this in any way appropriate. Just no.



NextTimeAround said:


> your husband should e-mail her and negotiate for lunch instead. He'll have a record of making that suggestion and she'll have to explain why lunch won't work.


This ^^


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> your husband should e-mail her and negotiate for lunch instead. He'll have a record of making that suggestion and she'll have to explain why lunch won't work.


NTA has a good suggestion.

This should be reported to human resources. I'm sure he would be afraid to do that and lose his job for something trivial. They would be watching him close.

I think he got himself into this because his boundaries aren't very good. He needs to prove he loves you and wants to be with you. It's time for him to decide how he wants to handle this. Watch close. This is a big red flag. What is he doing at work that shows her he would be open to this kind of thing? Maybe nothing, but it is sexual harassment. She can lose her job and maybe needs to lose it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> your husband should e-mail her and negotiate for lunch instead. He'll have a record of making that suggestion and she'll have to explain why lunch won't work.


I don't see how having lunch alone together is ok either. It may be slightly more acceptable but its still eating alone together.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

He could take you with him. She didn't say she wasn't bringing someone. That would be assumed, if she knows he is married. He is wrong to have accepted the invitation alone. I'd be checking with my attorney. He's invited this somehow.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Camefromeurope said:


> My husband's boss is a young, single woman that has invited him for a dinner, just two of them. He told me about it, but also mentioned she wants to get to know him better and have an "out of office conversation" with him, which means they won't be talking about work. I know she is single and she is not even 30. My husband is new in that company as well as other two or three guys.
> My husband already accepted her invitation and they should meet in three days, just my husband and this woman. Why does not she invite all the new members of the company, but only my husband?
> We have been married for almost a year, no kids.
> Also - I am not from USA but from Europe where even an invitation for a dinner in two (male plus female) is taken as a date when this comes from a single person.
> ...


In UK she cannot do that. Your husband is not an employee og his line manager, but of the company. There is no remit that allows her to be taking her subordinates out for dinners one by one. 
In any case, she is not a threat to you at all if your husband is clear where his loyalties lie. I am very happily married in Europe and I have never had any problems having lunch with male friends or my husband having lunch with female friends. Humans have friends. 

Your husband has told you where he is going. It is interesting to him as it is to you. There is no threat, so relax. He will come back and tell you how it all went. Show confidence in him and he will know you trust him enough to not fret about such a date. Whats the worst she can do? I honestly would not think it an issue.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Camefromeurope said:


> My husband's boss is a young, single woman that has invited him for a dinner, just two of them. He told me about it, but also mentioned she wants to get to know him better and have an "out of office conversation" with him, which means they won't be talking about work. I know she is single and she is not even 30. My husband is new in that company as well as other two or three guys.
> My husband already accepted her invitation and they should meet in three days, just my husband and this woman. Why does not she invite all the new members of the company, but only my husband?
> We have been married for almost a year, no kids.
> Also - I am not from USA but from Europe where even an invitation for a dinner in two (male plus female) is taken as a date when this comes from a single person.
> ...



Well, if he refuses, it might constitute as ‘sexual harassment’, given the world we live in today...

To be honest, if you trust your husband, then you shouldn’t worry. It takes two to tango and perhaps this is nothing to worry about and simply an excellent (b)job opportunity for him. (Joking). Would you also worry if the boss was a young male and gay?
It’s down to your husband whether he can keep it in his pants...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

It depends what kind of job. In my line of work, people take me out for dinner all the time, in groups, one on one, male, female, lesbian, gay....Nothing ever happened. But I do need to check out those weird-looking blisters...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Why does it matter whether it’s dinner, lunch or breakfast? I don’t get it. What’s so special about each meal? Sex should be less likely after dinner as men feel more tired and women tend to feel bloated after a heavy meal...(I was told).


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MaiChi said:


> In UK she cannot do that. Your husband is not an employee og his line manager, but of the company. There is no remit that allows her to be taking her subordinates out for dinners one by one.
> In any case, she is not a threat to you at all if your husband is clear where his loyalties lie. I am very happily married in Europe and I have never had any problems having lunch with male friends or my husband having lunch with female friends. Humans have friends.
> 
> Your husband has told you where he is going. It is interesting to him as it is to you. There is no threat, so relax. He will come back and tell you how it all went. Show confidence in him and he will know you trust him enough to not fret about such a date. Whats the worst she can do? I honestly would not think it an issue.


MaiChi, I like your confidence.

It will be interesting. He is a brand new employee, she likely would not have any ulterior aims on him so early. I would let it play out.
She is looking for team players (I presume). I think, she is treating him like a team member, not a male subordinate.

Welcome to this new world we live in.

_I admit, if I were the wife, I would be on pins and needles, too._

OP needs to thank her husband for his honesty. 

Calmly, remind him that he is a married man and that this is a very unusual request on her part. 
After the dinner, let him explain what transpired. Do not frantically pump him dry for answers on what was said.

If his lady boss was anyway out of line at the dinner, he needs to get a new job, elsewhere.

I bet it all comes out just fine.





[THM]- Nemesis


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

What position was he hired for? What type of work is it? Did she invite the other new hires out individually? I wonder if his bosses goal is to evaluate your husband's social skills and graces. Possibly she just wants to make sure your husband doesn't turn into an obnoxious drunk that will offend customers or clients.

I see nothing wrong with a test dinner if he is ever going to be entertaining clients. Other than that it's probably not the appropriate approach to get to know new hires.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talked to my husband about this today, his immediate reaction was that she has ulterior motives, and that in your husbands place he would say no.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cooper said:


> What position was he hired for? What type of work is it? Did she invite the other new hires out individually? I wonder if his bosses goal is to evaluate your husband's social skills and graces. Possibly she just wants to make sure your husband doesn't turn into an obnoxious drunk that will offend customers or clients.
> 
> I see nothing wrong with a test dinner if he is ever going to be entertaining clients. Other than that it's probably not the appropriate approach to get to know new hires.


If entertaining clients was so important, surely those hiring would have taken the prospective new employees our for a meal before they hired them?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I have gone to lunch/dinner with both male and female Bosses. A get to know you session. 

It doesn’t mean anything. 

Did she take the other new workers to dinner also?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I'd be more concerned about his exposure for being alone with a female. She could claim anything she wants for any reason at any time. I have customers who have removed doors from all rooms in their offices but the bathrooms just to eliminate certain scenarios.

This is just a bad idea all the way around. It's a real shame that things have come to this, but it's a fool who willingly puts himself in peril.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It would be the two of them, not just her. It isn't like going out with a bunch of male friends to watch some sports at a stadium. She is his superior. He spends many of his waking hours at work, probably around her, since she already knows him well enough that she thinks she can ask him out alone with her. If it is a simple innocent thing unrelated to work, why wasn't it suggested as a double date? 

Being it's a woman he works with, it could even turn out that she says he made a pass at her and he will lose his job. The movement will back her and so will human resources and the law.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

And if he declines the invitation, the job will go to someone who is more willing to accept it next time.
Your husband is screwed either way (not yet, but almost).
Why don’t you give her the benefit of the doubt? Maybe she’s just friendly and (frequently) quite hungry.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

InMyPrime said:


> And if he declines the invitation, the job will go to someone who is more willing to accept it next time.
> Your husband is screwed either way (not yet, but almost).
> Why don’t you give her the benefit of the doubt? Maybe she’s just friendly and (frequently) quite hungry.
> 
> ...


And, has a phobia about eating alone or with a colleague of the same level at the company. It's sexual harassment on her part. That's against the law in the US. She can figure him out by his work ethic. It's a better way to know what he is like when working. That's what's important. What he is like when off duty is important to his wife... only.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Double post.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I don’t know..I’ve eaten lunch and dinner with my colleagues and my superiors one on one and there was no other motives.
Quite possibly this is just dinner. He told you- so obviously he is honest and communicative with you.
I also don’t really understand why lunch is a better alternative? The issue isn’t the meal the issue is the motive behind it.
I would tell your husband that you’re uncomfortable with it but you trust him.



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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ABHale said:


> I have gone to lunch/dinner with both male and female Bosses. A get to know you session.
> 
> It doesn’t mean anything.
> 
> Did she take the other new workers to dinner also?


Why? My husband has worked in several different types of work/jobs for 40 years and has never had cause to eat out alone with his boss, male or female. He has had many female bosses.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> And, has a phobia about eating alone or with a colleague of the same level at the company. It's sexual harassment on her part. That's against the law in the US. She can figure him out by his work ethic. It's a better way to know what he is like when working. That's what's important. What he is like when off duty is important to his wife... only.


Exactly, they are work colleagues, not besties.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

zookeeper said:


> I'd be more concerned about his exposure for being alone with a female. She could claim anything she wants for any reason at any time. I have customers who have removed doors from all rooms in their offices but the bathrooms just to eliminate certain scenarios.
> 
> This is just a bad idea all the way around. It's a real shame that things have come to this, but it's a fool who willingly puts himself in peril.


I remember being told about a female boss who always made sure the door of her office was open if she was ever alone with a man. Very sensible advise and it avoids any misunderstanding.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Camefromeurope said:


> My husband's boss is a young, single woman that has invited him for a dinner, just two of them. He told me about it, but also mentioned she wants to get to know him better and have an "out of office conversation" with him, which means they won't be talking about work.


 Let’s switch this around. A male boss asks a single new employee out to a non business related dinner, just the two of them, so that he can get to know her better as a person. As a new employee, that directly reports to him, she knows that saying no would hurt her career at this company just as it was getting started. This would be a classic sexual harassment claim waiting to happen. Anyone that has ever watched HR required training video would know this

The real question is did your husband’s boss ask him out all on her own, or did your husband have something to do with it?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

This is simple, hubby tells boss, "Hey, I checked my calendar with my wife, we are free for dinner the night of ...........What restaurant should we meet you at?"

Boss, "Oh, I was planning on just you and I, no spouses."

Hubby, "Well that doesn't work for me, my wife and I agreed on keeping certain boundaries in place, having dinner out with a female co-worker, just her and I, is crossing one of those boundaries. So I won't be able to make it."


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> And, has a phobia about eating alone or with a colleague of the same level at the company. It's sexual harassment on her part. That's against the law in the US. She can figure him out by his work ethic. It's a better way to know what he is like when working. That's what's important. What he is like when off duty is important to his wife... only.


A few hours ago, I completed sexual harassment PREVENTION training required for everyone at our company. THIS EXACT scenario came up, with the exact same genders in the exact same positions,

Everything was either possible sexual harassment to straight up sexual harassment if the person felt uncomfortable. If the job was removed it was grounds for termination.


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## Camefromeurope (Apr 27, 2019)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> 2ntnuf said:
> 
> 
> > And, has a phobia about eating alone or with a colleague of the same level at the company. It's sexual harassment on her part. That's against the law in the US. She can figure him out by his work ethic. It's a better way to know what he is like when working. That's what's important. What he is like when off duty is important to his wife... only.
> ...


That's what makes me feel weird about the whole situation. Seems like everybody in this group shared the same opinion about it.. I am so nervous. I don't even know how to start this conversation with him. I just don't want to act like I am super jealous.


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## Camefromeurope (Apr 27, 2019)

FieryHairedLady said:


> This is simple, hubby tells boss, "Hey, I checked my calendar with my wife, we are free for dinner the night of ...........What restaurant should we meet you at?"
> 
> Boss, "Oh, I was planning on just you and I, no spouses."
> 
> Hubby, "Well that doesn't work for me, my wife and I agreed on keeping certain boundaries in place, having dinner out with a female co-worker, just her and I, is crossing one of those boundaries. So I won't be able to make it."


That is exactly why I am sad about it. He did not say anything like that to her. It would make me feel 100% better if he involved me in this as his wife.


Th


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## Camefromeurope (Apr 27, 2019)

TRy said:


> Camefromeurope said:
> 
> 
> > My husband's boss is a young, single woman that has invited him for a dinner, just two of them. He told me about it, but also mentioned she wants to get to know him better and have an "out of office conversation" with him, which means they won't be talking about work.
> ...


Something what I don't know about, yet. I truly believe he is just polite and was afraid to say "no" since she is his boss. Who knows


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Ask him--with authority! Set your boundaries. Do not let him gaslight or lie to you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Camefromeurope said:


> That's what makes me feel weird about the whole situation. Seems like everybody in this group shared the same opinion about it.. I am so nervous. I don't even know how to start this conversation with him. I just don't want to act like I am super jealous.


Just tell him flat out that him having dinner with her alone crosses one of YOUR boundaries.
EITHER YOU get to go to dinner with them, or he has to cancel.
He DOES need to understand that this is the basis of a sexual harassment situation in today's business environment.

I was told at one of our training sessions that even ASKING SOMEONE OUT on a date, even if they are NOT in your management structure, can be considered sexual harassment (I think that is WAY too far, but that is the how far the pendulum has swung). Thank GOD that wasn't years ago -- or I probably wouldn't be married to my wife (she was my departments admin, and she asked ME out!).


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Camefromeurope said:


> Something what I don't know about, yet. I truly believe he is just polite and was afraid to say "no" since she is his boss. Who knows


This is likely, and therefore, he needs to work on his boundaries. Otherwise, it would indicate he is actually interested in her. 

As someone said, he may not be familiar with the laws. He can get himself into big trouble. 

Don't be afraid. Do what you know you must. Talk with him.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Camefromeurope said:


> That's what makes me feel weird about the whole situation. Seems like everybody in this group shared the same opinion about it..



That’s because of how you framed it and also because almost everyone has had issues with infidelity on this forum.



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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

Wow. Well... another TAM post to remind me to stay single and how much better for me life is that way. This is like zero big deal - not even worth a second thought - or discussion. Guy got a new job and his boss wants to get to know him better. Why would that be a bad thing ? 

O-yea... insecurity, lack of trust, reading anything bad possible into a situation, making mountains out of mole hills, ... I just miss that sooo much ! LOL.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It would be wrong to jump to the conclusion that the purpose of the dinner is because she wants to have an affair with him. While that certainly can be one reason, it is not the only reason a manager might want to have dinner with an employee. And it would also be wrong to think that by stopping this dinner it will prevent an affair. If they are working together, then they will have ample opportunity to go there. But that's the truth about any woman he encounters in his life. There are women that are coworkers, at the gym, store, neighborhood, etc. If he has such poor boundaries and moral foundation that this dinner causes him to have an affair, then it could just as easily be some other woman at the gym. Presumably he has some control over his actions. If she starts trying to flirt, he should deflect to show he's not interested. It doesn't matter if it's at dinner or in the office. He's not powerless. If he has an affair with his boss or any other woman, it is his fault. 

I think you should tell him your concerns that the boss may have other intentions and ask him to keep things on a professional level. It would be better if he went to lunch instead of dinner. Like others have said, have him say that the evenings aren't available and that lunch would work better.

One thing to also tell him is that if she comes onto him sexually or punishes him for not going along, that's sexual harassment and he can sue. If there's any concern of that, he should keep notes of all his interactions with her. He should not feel that his job is on the line if she flirts and he doesn't flirt back.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

2&out said:


> Wow. Well... another TAM post to remind me to stay single and how much better for me life is that way. This is like zero big deal - not even worth a second thought - or discussion. Guy got a new job and his boss wants to get to know him better. Why would that be a bad thing ?
> 
> O-yea... insecurity, lack of trust, reading anything bad possible into a situation, making mountains out of mole hills, ... I just miss that sooo much ! LOL.


Sorry the invite would not concern you but it does concern the OP. I too would feel odd if my female boss invited me to a out of work dinner. So would my W. We are, after all, human.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

No No and No you don't do this.
She is young and not really a good supervisor.
You never ask your subordinates out to dinner
alone. Never !! A working lunch maybe but dinner
never. This gives a bad impression all around. 

Why just him ?
What are her intentions ?
If he goes and in the future gets 
great job reviews?
Office gossip running wild ?
Sexual harassment complaints possible 
from her and him. 
Other employees could complain also.

This is why you just don't do this.

OP 
How would your husband feel if you did this ?
How would he talk to you about it ?
Tell him to reconsider.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

zookeeper said:


> I'd be more concerned about his exposure for being alone with a female. She could claim anything she wants for any reason at any time. I have customers who have removed doors from all rooms in their offices but the bathrooms just to eliminate certain scenarios.
> 
> This is just a bad idea all the way around. It's a real shame that things have come to this, but it's a fool who willingly puts himself in peril.


This would by my real concern.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

2&out said:


> Wow. Well... another TAM post to remind me to stay single and how much better for me life is that way. This is like zero big deal - not even worth a second thought - or discussion. Guy got a new job and his boss wants to get to know him better. Why would that be a bad thing ?
> 
> O-yea... insecurity, lack of trust, reading anything bad possible into a situation, making mountains out of mole hills, ... I just miss that sooo much ! LOL.


You could say something like what you just said about any time a single person invites a married person of the opposite sex out to dinner, to get to know them better one on one. But married people are not supposed to date, and what was just described is no different than what would happen if someone asked another person of the opposite sex out on a date. 

A date is going out with someone of the opposite sex that has the qualities of a possible mate, in order to get to know them on a personal level, and that gives both the opportunity to potentially develop feeling for each other if they turn out to be compatible. Studies show that most first dates do not include sex, and that many do not even involve kissing.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

2&out said:


> Wow. Well... another TAM post to remind me to stay single and how much better for me life is that way. This is like zero big deal - not even worth a second thought - or discussion. Guy got a new job and his boss wants to get to know him better. Why would that be a bad thing ?
> 
> O-yea... insecurity, lack of trust, reading anything bad possible into a situation, making mountains out of mole hills, ... I just miss that sooo much ! LOL.


I'm in agreement. To many jaded posters. In my professional life I had throughout the years, many, breakfast, lunch,dinners, happy hours, etc., many in groups, and many one-on-one's including dinners. As far as I know, I never cheated on my wife.

OP if you have reservations, just tell them to your husband, but do not try to pressure him out of the event. Otherwise, you're sending a message to your husband that you do not trust him and that you are insecure. This can be detrimental to your relationship...eventually.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> He could take you with him. She didn't say she wasn't bringing someone. That would be assumed, if she knows he is married. He is wrong to have accepted the invitation alone. I'd be checking with my attorney. He's invited this somehow.


THIS. If she balks or questions, he can simply say that it is assumed an invitation for him is an invitation for both of you. Package deal.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> As far as I know, I never cheated on my wife.


Are there times you may not have known?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Are there times you may not have known?



“To the best of my recollection” is the best way to answer these types of...herpes-related questions...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Camefromeurope said:


> That's what makes me feel weird about the whole situation. Seems like everybody in this group shared the same opinion about it.. I am so nervous. I don't even know how to start this conversation with him. I just don't want to act like I am super jealous.


I will give you a scenario from my life in case it is of any interest. A person at my company had been made the tech lead for our scrum team. He took all the (male) developers out to lunch. As the new lead, he wanted to make sure he understood their personal development goals so he could help. He did NOT invite me lunch. I did not think much of it. I am not a developer. His wife gave him hell for not offering me the same opportunity, despite being QA, that he gave the other members of the team. That gave me a chuckle! He did take me to lunch. We did talk about my professional development goals. It worked out great since he had some pretty fabulous ideas for the work I do. 

If you mentioned where you live, I missed it. But in the northeast of the US, no one would think twice about a male and female going out together. 

The things I would wonder about your situation. Is it ONLY you husband that has this invitation extended to him? Why dinner and not lunch? The answers to those two questions would help me understand if this were a problem. In any event, the only bad actor here is her. Not sure why you are worried about your husband.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Are there times you may not have known?


You didn't get the sarcasm. That all it was.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

^^ Rethought the dinner question. I have been out to dinner with male colleagues a bazillion times. It never occurred to me to be worried about it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Unfortunately details matter. 

I often go to lunch with co-workers and employees, but they are generally group lunches, only individual when I know someone very well and its clear that there is not possibility of misunderstanding. 




NobodySpecial said:


> ^^ Rethought the dinner question. I have been out to dinner with male colleagues a bazillion times. It never occurred to me to be worried about it.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> He did take me to lunch. We did talk about my professional development goals. It worked out great since he had some pretty fabulous ideas for the work I do.





NobodySpecial said:


> The things I would wonder about your situation. Is it ONLY you husband that has this invitation extended to him? Why dinner and not lunch? The answers to those two questions would help me understand if this were a problem. In any event, the only bad actor here is her. Not sure why you are worried about your husband.


 Details matter. 1) The OP's situation is that it is dinner and not lunch; today, alcohol at is frowned upon at lunch, but not at dinner. 2) The invitation is not to talk about "professional development goals" or any other work related matters, but to talk about "out of office" topics. As you pointed out, it would also matter if the OP's spouse is the only one getting such a dinner invite.


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## Camefromeurope (Apr 27, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> I was asked by a boss of mine (Female) for a LUNCH to get to know me --- first week I was there.
> But NOT phrased in the way his boss is doing it -- was just a thing she did for all new folks in the group. No issues, no flirting, etc. . Told my wife, no hiding or anything. He at least is telling you this, which is really good. HE needs to be on-guard and make sure he has his boundaries set for your marriage (I certainly did -- there was NO fuzzy around the fact I was very happily married).
> Dinner is a bit much -- lunch i would understand more. Make sure if he DOES go that he needs to protect your marriage.
> 
> KEEP your eyes open and make sure HE does also.


Agree! I also think that dinner in two is too much. He haven't talked about it since he mentioned he is going to have dinner with her. I can't get rid of the feeling that there is something more from her side going on. I just need to talk to him about it, so I can see his point of view.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

TRy said:


> Details matter. 1) The OP's situation is that it is dinner and not lunch; today, alcohol at is frowned upon at lunch, but not at dinner. 2) The invitation is not to talk about "professional development goals" or any other work related matters, but to talk about "out of office" topics. As you pointed out, it would also matter if the OP's spouse is the only one getting such a dinner invite.


Oy! We drank at lunch at that office all the time. I certainly had wine at that lunch and he beer. I think it is more important to understand her husband's take on this. Personal development goals very much was an out of office topic. The venue worked out great. 

I wonder if this is normal, to be insanely aware of every interaction with a member of the opposite sex. I would rather be divorced than stress that much.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Camefromeurope said:


> Agree! I also think that dinner in two is too much. He haven't talked about it since he mentioned he is going to have dinner with her. I can't get rid of the feeling that there is something more from her side going on. I just need to talk to him about it, so I can see his point of view.



Are you asking for advice or just collecting like-minded opinions to reinforce your own?

I wouldn’t worry about dinner. However your instincts are telling you that she is a threat - perhaps rightly so, none of us can know - in which case dinner or no dinner, that’s irrelevant; *they will see each other every day at work* and if there is chemistry, you can’t prevent it. Only your husband can.

You have to play it carefully: a bit too much and you can appear controlling and it will not help the situation. And if you stick your head in the sand it’s no good either. I don’t know if it’s any consolation but these things (infidelity) more often than not sneak up on you out of nowhere: if it happens (and i hope it doesn’t) it is likely going to be completely unexpected.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> Oy! We drank at lunch at that office all the time. I certainly had wine at that lunch and he beer.


Drinking at lunch and then going back to work is not a norm in corporate America. If a boss or customer smelled alcohol on your breath during business hours, that will get you written up in many companies. Adding drinking to the OP's husband's situation makes it even more date like. 



NobodySpecial said:


> I wonder if this is normal, to be insanely aware of every interaction with a member of the opposite sex. I would rather be divorced than stress that much.


"Insanely aware" is a prejudicial statement. "Of every interaction with a member of the opposite sex" is a straw man argument because no one but you is discussing such a thing. Martial boundaries when followed by both parties is a stress reducer. 

When I first was introduced to my wife, we both felt an immediate strong connection and attraction for each other. We did not kiss at first or have sex for a long time. We quickly stopped seeing the other people that we each had know for years, and focused our attention on each other until later we got married. Had we not been introduced that day, we each would have likely fallen in love with and married someone else. Now years later, if I had first been introduced to her as her new boss, I believe that it would be very possible that we both would still feel an instant connection and attraction for each other. The difference being that our marital boundaries would kick into place to hinder us from developing these feelings. 

Martial boundaries are based on the belief that people can control what they do, but they have less control of what they feel. Lack of boundaries are often how emotional affairs ("EA") with no physical sex get started. Because of the lack of sex, the vast majority of people in EAs do not at first believe that they are cheating. Eventually EA's often lead to physical affairs ("PA") where by then the spouse in the affair is increasingly reinventing history so as to rationalize to themselves their actions.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

TRy said:


> Drinking at lunch and then going back to work is not a norm in corporate America. If a boss or customer smelled alcohol on your breath during business hours, that will get you written up in many companies. Adding drinking to the OP's husband's situation makes it even more date like.


The boss was with us, and we were not customer facing. It has always been common enough at places that I have worked at. With bosses. 



> "Insanely aware" is a prejudicial statement. "Of every interaction with a member of the opposite sex" is a straw man argument because no one but you is discussing such a thing. Martial boundaries when followed by both parties is a stress reducer.


If you say so! I would hate feeling like I wanted to watch his every move.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

I used to go to lunch with the girls in the IT department on Friday's - I had absolutely no ulterior motives, except I we had fun *****in' about work.
There weren't any guys interested in getting lunch and it built camaraderie in the office.

Friday night dinner is a little strange without consideration of the spouse, though.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> If you say so! I would hate feeling like I wanted to watch his every move.


Again with the straw man argument. Trusting that my spouse will follow our marital boundaries makes it such that I have no desire to watch her "every move". I have no idea what male coworkers my wife spoke to last week, when they spoke, or what they talked about.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

2&out said:


> Wow. Well... another TAM post to remind me to stay single and how much better for me life is that way. This is like zero big deal - not even worth a second thought - or discussion. Guy got a new job and his boss wants to get to know him better. Why would that be a bad thing ?
> 
> O-yea... insecurity, lack of trust, reading anything bad possible into a situation, making mountains out of mole hills, ... I just miss that sooo much ! LOL.


Nothing at all to do with insecurity or lack of trust. I have strong boundaries myself because I love and respect my husband and because I value my marriage. My husband hasn't got a jealous bone in his body, isn't insecure at all and trusts me 100%. However I know that going out on what is effectively a date with a man alone is more than unwise and there is NO reason for it to have to happen. They are merely work colleagues and should stay that way. 

Maybe you are fortunate in not knowing people who had affairs with people at work they got too close to, but I know many. That's why sensible boundaries are so important. 

The only guy I am going on a date with is the one I am married to.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TRy said:


> Again with the straw man argument. Trusting that my spouse will follow our marital boundaries makes it such that I have no desire to watch her "every move". I have no idea what male coworkers my wife spoke to last week, when they spoke, or what they talked about.


Absolutely, if you have a spouse who has sensible boundaries you do not need to know details. You know that they are not going to do something that isn't appropriate. 

Op, you really do need to ask him if the other new men are also being taken out. If its just him that makes it even more concerning. 
I think he is setting himself up for possible future problems if he goes. Its HIGHLY unprofessional what she is doing. If she genuinely wants to get to know the new men, how about she takes them all out with another of the bosses? 
My husband has worked in different places for 40 years, he has never had any need to have a meal out alone with another lady.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> Oy! We drank at lunch at that office all the time. I certainly had wine at that lunch and he beer. I think it is more important to understand her husband's take on this. Personal development goals very much was an out of office topic. The venue worked out great.
> 
> I wonder if this is normal, to be insanely aware of every interaction with a member of the opposite sex. I would rather be divorced than stress that much.


Really? That's very unprofessional. 

Being concerned about a date out with another lady isn't in anyway 'being insanely aware of every interaction with a member of the opposite sex' as you know.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> My husband has worked in different places for 40 years, he has never had any need to have a meal out with another lady.



Is that maybe because he never had a lady work ‘above’ him? Having these female bosses is kinda a more recent thing...




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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

InMyPrime said:


> Is that maybe because he never had a lady work ‘above’ him? Having these female bosses is kinda a more recent thing...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes he has had many. He has worked in the healthcare field for about 20 years, there are more female bosses than male in healthcare.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Yes he has had many. He has worked in the healthcare field for about 20 years, there are more female bosses than male in healthcare.




I don’t know what field OP’s husband works in but where I work, there’s nothing abnormal about having a meal with a work colleague or have the boss (from your own or another company) take you out. I have had 3 dinners last week alone. One of them with a female (30 years my senior though but still...).


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

InMyPrime said:


> I don’t know what field OP’s husband works in but where I work, there’s nothing abnormal about having a meal with a work colleague or have the boss (from your own or another company) take you out. I have had 3 dinners last week alone. One of them with a female (30 years my senior though but still...).
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


 He worked for the NHS for many years, it just didn't happen there. He has had his own heath-care consultancy business since then, never had any need to have a meal out alone with a lady. He wouldn't anyway.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Why? My husband has worked in several different types of work/jobs for 40 years and has never had cause to eat out alone with his boss, male or female. He has had many female bosses.


The companies I have work for are small in comparison to others. Groups 6 to 50 people. It might just be the size of the company. I have never thought it to be anything but a get to know you and the company. 

Keep in mind that this was a one time thing. I would see a problem if it was a monthly or more often occurrence. 

I don’t see a problem with this.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Camefromeurope said:


> That is exactly why I am sad about it. He did not say anything like that to her. It would make me feel 100% better if he involved me in this as his wife.
> 
> 
> Th


We aren't there and don't know the story. Has he been out of work? How's your financial situation? How's the home life? All of these situation could have a bearing on how he reacted. You can be disappointed, but make sure it is correctly placed. His boundaries may be fine, he told you, but he may think he could handle it and save his job.


TRy said:


> You could say something like what you just said about any time a single person invites a married person of the opposite sex out to dinner, to get to know them better one on one. But married people are not supposed to date, and what was just described is no different than what would happen if someone asked another person of the opposite sex out on a date.
> 
> A date is going out with someone of the opposite sex that has the qualities of a possible mate, in order to get to know them on a personal level, and that gives both the opportunity to potentially develop feeling for each other if they turn out to be compatible. Studies show that most first dates do not include sex, and that many do not even involve kissing.


Right.
Kind of funny how people keep removing context. I'd be saying "calm down" if it was an at work lunch. This is a an after hours dinner outside of work hours to get to know someone better.

You get to know me at work, not at dinner. You are my boss and all it takes is one wrong look or the wrong person to see us, which has nothing to do with being single or married, to put our jobs in Jeopardy. 

We couldn't go to a wedding because my wife's company has a rule barring management and their employees from fraternizing outside of work. All because of how it might look or be misconstrued.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> You didn't get the sarcasm. That all it was.


Yes I did. :grin2:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

InMyPrime said:


> “To the best of my recollection” is the best way to answer these types of...herpes-related questions...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


:laugh:


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