# Dealing with Hubby's depression and anger,



## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

Hi all- 

I am new to posting on here, although I have read a lot of the threads on many of the subjects on this site. I think the support here is wonderful- the way people seem to give an honest, true variety of opinions. There are a ton of issues involving my situation with my hubby stemming back to our first night together. One of these days I will get to posting the whole sordid tale because I ended up at this site looking for some help. We have been together 17 years and dealt with a huge number of issues others are dealing with here. One of them I am having a very tough time with (I will try to get in to this with some background, hopefully enough for you to understand but I don't want to start a novel yet, there is too much crap in our situation) is my husbands depression and anger. Since the beginning of our relationship I have had to walk on eggshells around him, waiting for the next mood swing, trying not to do anything to set him off. We have 3 kids together and this spring it all came to a head. I told him he needed to do some serious soul searching to see if he really wanted to continue to be part of our family. I told him I couldn't live like this with him anymore. He was so angry inside all the time and it just affected everyone in our house. It really came to a head when I realized that it was no longer affecting just me- that I was dealing with for years, no big deal, I thought. But when it finally hit me how much it was affecting our oldest daughter I just couldn't do it anymore. The mama bear came out and I realized it's up to me to protect the children from living like this. Please understand he has never been physical with any of us, and I know we are the world to him- he can be a very, very good father and a good husband. But everything in our lives has been clouded by "what mood Daddy is in" or if we are off somewhere having a wonderful time, the mood swings just hit. I told him he needed to go to his doctor and get on some medication or we were done. And I told him either way was fine with me but I would not live like this any longer. He went to the doctor, the doctor immediatly told him it's a lack of saratonin and it's fixable by medication. He started on the meds but for the first few months he was even angrier- and after he admitted it was because I was right, there was something wrong. Sometime in the summer it became unbearable to live with and I told him I think it was time to end things. We agreed to go to councelling because I will not just throw 17 years away, and it's so much about our family. I don't want to tear my family apart. Well since then we have done some very, very good talking, dealt with a lot of issues. We have a wonderful therapist who has really made us see how living with 17 years of this emotional crap has just made me dead inside. We have these huge walls between us that can not just crumble, they are far too strong. We have never learned to communicate properly with each other because our entire relationship has been him getting angry and both of us totally shutting down and putting up walls. While we are getting better it is not something we can just change over night. He is incredibly jealous and it is a major issue for us. I have a job that requires a lot of out of office hours networking, that type of thing. He gets so angry when I have to do, or want to do, anything without him. After sessions with our therapist she said to me it's almost like he has an 'obsessive possesiveness' with me. I have never given him any reason not to trust me, he is just so opposite from me in that he doesn't understand being a social person. He is very introverted while I am very extroverted. So after quite a few sessions I thought he was actually getting better. I found out he had been talking with one of my girlfriends, which her and I are both totally fine with, she didn't want me to find out and get the wrong idea, and we both understand he needs someone to talk to, to open up to. Well after talking with her, it seems like these positive changes I have seen in him are all just a front. He told her how angry he was the last time I was out for a work function... he was livid. He gets jealous of the most insane things like me checking my email instead of heading up to bed when I get home late. He doesn't understand in this day and age of technology my life evolves around email- everything I do with running the family- school, after school activities, the organizations I volunteer for, everything is done by email. He doesn't touch email and is always happy to let me organize the family. I have tried to explain to him a ton of times that our life evolves around communication by email and he just doesn't get it. I have no idea what he thinks I am doing on my email. So here I thought he was getting better- he appeared to be fine last time I got home from a function, then I find out he hasn't gotten any better, only better at hiding it from me. He even said to my gf "I know this isn't the way they (me and the therapist) say I am supposed to feel but it's the way I feel". I just don't know if I can live like this any longer. It's killing me inside. There are a ton more issues but I need some insight in to him... I don't know how to handle it. He is now slipping back in to some of the little habits he had prior to his wake up call and his decision to really make an effort in our relationship. He was better for awhile- little things like getting snarky and impatient with the kids when they are just being kids, snapping at little things that really don't matter. I really thought he was getting better but I don't think anyone can re-program themselves enough to make the changes required here. I just need help, I don't know what to do. There are a million more issues than just this, but this is a huge part of it for me. I don't know that I can live like this any longer. Any ideas? Thanks all... sorry this ended up being longer than I intended but it's a lot to explain!!! Any thoughts are helpful to me.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well, first i would suggest you two do boundary books. more for you then for him, though. His anger issues are pretty deep and i dont know that something so superficial as these books will really help him that much. but for you i think it will help a lot. I did _Relationship Rescue_ by Dr.Phil book and workbook. I also read Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

My H and I do _Boundaries in Marriage_ book and workbook together. Boundaries in Marriage - Google Book Search I would suggest you ask him if he wants to participate and if he says no, respect his boundaries and just do it on your own. 

My H also has depression and an anger problem. For you i would suggest you stop walking on eggshells around him. Anger is deliberately used to intimidate and control. He's getting his reward. I will admit when my H has gotten angry at me in the past, i would get angry back and shut down. i try not to do that anymore. the other day he got mad at me for something again, and i just sat down with him and hugged him. i told him i was sorry he was so angry, but i let him know i was not afraid of him nor would he intimidate me. I just sat there, right in his face and hugged him. Again, today, he got mad at me but instead of taking it personally I asked him what was wrong. It helps me to remember that anger is just hurt. If he is really angry, he must be really hurting.

Something i noticed while i was sitting there hugging him that day, after i told him i was not intimidated by his antics, was that he was truly miserable. And the misery came out in fits of frustration. I think that is his anger. 

I do not mean to imply that whenever your H gets angry that you should coddle him, or sooth him. People need to experience the consequences of their actions in order to be motivated to change. "An object in motion will remain in motion until acted on by another force." Let the natural consequences fall, but remember who you want to be. Remember that you are responsible for your own happiness. I can approach my H in a more gentle manner b/c i am in a better place. I know I dont have to help him, but sometimes it feels appropriate for me to sooth him. Not always. I do have to respect my own boundaries. Sometimes i walk away and let him pout and fume. I am not responsible for his happiness, nor he for mine. But if i feel i can do something to try and help, then i do it.


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## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

Thank you for your reply ljtseng- I followed your links and it's something I will look in to further. Our therapist keeps correcting me when I say "he makes me feel... xyz". She tells me not to give him the power to make me feel any particular way because that is one of the ways he is controlling my life. I had never thought of it that way. I am in control of my own feelings... I understand the concept but it's sure hard to put in to action. Thanks again for your reply!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Junebug said:


> Thank you for your reply ljtseng- I followed your links and it's something I will look in to further. Our therapist keeps correcting me when I say "he makes me feel... xyz". She tells me not to give him the power to make me feel any particular way because that is one of the ways he is controlling my life. I had never thought of it that way. I am in control of my own feelings... I understand the concept but it's sure hard to put in to action. Thanks again for your reply!


Ive had counselors talk to me about giving someone that much power, too. It is interesting when they put it that way. I try not to think that he makes me feel a certain way. the first time i heard that he cant make me feel anything, I didnt believe it. it seems counterintuitive. 

i think that if i get really depressed, then that is my issue. If i am unable to walk away from the situation, and i get so caught up in his emotions that i start to not be in control of my own, then there's a problem. but i do think a person can make you feel certain things. If i choose to love my H then he can make me feel hurt. if he does sweet things it makes me happy. but when the emotions start going to the extremes, that's when there's a problem.


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## inneedofmajorhelp74 (Sep 22, 2011)

Your situation seems so much like mine. While i am not in a place to give advice right now..It helped to read your story. I hope everything works out for you


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