# Off & On For Years - Time to pack it in?



## canadian34 (Oct 12, 2014)

My wife and I have two young children - toddlers. We've been married 10 years and dated for many before that.

The intimacy has been off and on the entire time. Sometimes we would go months without sex. Sometimes as many or five, six or more.

Then we would talk about it, and things would go good for a month or two. This has gone one for as long as we've known each other.

It's always the same story.

Too tired.
Hurry up and get it done.
Not interested.
Not in the mood.
Don't feel like it.

There has always been zero public affection. She has NEVER instigated even private affection.

Then, a few months things got crazy for about two weeks. My wife claimed her sex drive "was back" stronger than ever. Multiple orgasms, sex multiple times, tons of intimacy & affection. We were very happy for about two weeks.

Then, it just stopped and we're back at the same for the past three months. She just shut off again.

Now me.

I truly loved her for years and couldn't imagine life without her. She's an amazing mother, but I'm not sure I'm prepared to stay her husband anymore.

I have A LOT of anger built up. I'm sick of it, really. Because it's the same thing again and again, and again.

I'm finding the more this has happened, the more I've become less attracted to her emotionally and physically. I don't feel like talking to her. TO be perfectly honest, I don't even want to look at her anymore.

I'm also at the point where I'm hesitant "things can change" with counselling. 

Quite frankly, this has always been an issue since the first year we dated.

Now we have two young kids, but I think I am getting ready to pull the plug. 

I adore my children and I'm certainly not sure I'm ready to put this on them and their lives, but I'm not sure I want to stay married.

Thoughts?


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

canadian34 said:


> My wife and I have two young children - toddlers. We've been married 10 years and dated for many before that.
> 
> The intimacy has been off and on the entire time. Sometimes we would go months without sex. Sometimes as many or five, six or more.
> 
> ...


It's a bitter pill to swallow, and I know you think you side of the street is clean, but change you. Read No More Mister Nice Guy, the Married Mans Sex Life Primer, maybe even Hold On to Your Nuts and then look at your marriage again. If you read and understand the thinking in these books and have applied them to no avail, it's time to make other decisions.

But for now, change you. You'll be amazed at how others react. 

I wish you all the best.
Cheers,
V(13)


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Thoughts? First thought - 'did I write this?'. So similar - within the last few months I've entirely lost interest in sex with her - totally gone. It's weird feeling that even the thought of it is sort of nauseating. I think I've finally accepted that she's simply been enduring it all these years and never wanted it - to then imagine intimacy is kind of icky. I also feel like pulling the plug would be better or all involved .


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## OnAnIsland (Oct 3, 2014)

canadian34 said:


> My wife and I have two young children - toddlers. We've been married 10 years and dated for many before that.
> 
> The intimacy has been off and on the entire time. Sometimes we would go months without sex. Sometimes as many or five, six or more.
> 
> ...



Unfortunately, you're going to get a lot of 'this sounds familiar' but not a lot of advice on how to magically fix this. There isn't any. You've come to the crossroads. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

This off-and-on situation rings true for me. For years, being in the 'off' part of the cycle made me frustrated, confused, hurt and even angry. But I still desired my wife. I kept trying everything I could think of because I missed her attention and wanted to have a normal sexual relationship. The 'off' periods got longer. The excuses mounted. She communicated less, she gained weight, she started avoiding contact and even conversation. She has walled off her mind, body and soul and consistently treated me like a roommate she's decided to raise a kid with. Going on six months now myself...

Like you, I have now realized that I'm not attracted to her. At all. I don't treat her poorly, put her down or complain. She's a good mother and a decent person otherwise, but she's not a woman that I want to make love with. Or open up to. Or really even spend much time with. For all the cliches and literature out there about understanding women's feelings and stress, I wish more women truly understood what it does to a man to cut off intimacy, affection and communication. I adored my wife. I thought she was the most attractive woman I'd ever been with, inside and out. I wanted to be the best man, husband and father I could be. She took it for granted. It's devastating to realize you don't love your wife.

Her career has involved some travel lately. Before having a child, I used to travel extensively all over the world for weeks at a time. I'd send her flowers, write her, call her and burst through the door upon returning home thrilled to see her. She recently went away for three weeks, and I was shocked to find I didn't miss her at all. In fact , taking care of our child by myself actually got me thinking that divorce wasn't so unthinkable. I agree it's not something to take lightly and not what I want for my child. But I also realized that I felt good for the first time in a while and enjoyed her not being around.

This is a difficult spot to be in. You'll see a lot of advice about 'doing a 180' and reading MMSLP. Do it. Improve yourself, get in great shape, find some hobbies and be a better father. Everything you can control should be done as well as you can. She may or may not respond the way you want. In my case, its other women who are suddenly showing interest. That's not what I want right now - I'd still love to have my wife return to who she was, who she can be, and say 'sorry, let's fix this.' I'd be open to that. Sounds like you would too.

It's largely out of your control. Don't let her destroy your soul. Be the best man you can be and see what happens. At worst, you'll be ready to face life without her. Don't be mean to her, don't do anything to get the children 'on your side'. Don't engage in tit-for-tat BS. Talk with her honestly and respectfully. Be the best you can be for a year and give her opportunity to change and work with you if she reaches out. But if she doesn't want you at your best... she not worth it. Damn scary position to be in, but it is what it is.


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## GrannyMildew (Aug 15, 2013)

I am sorry that I have no advice for the OP and the few who replied after, but I agree with Voltaire that you have more than done your part.

Your wife/wives/ are the ones I envy more than almost anyone else. They have lovng, giving, supportive husbands, and do not realize the GIFT they are throwing away. A healthy, interested, sexually desiring (at least at one time) husband whose "plumbing" all still works well and could be used to connect deeper with one another and provide pleasures and a bond that is second to none, and it's just thrown away. 

My hubby had a MAJOR heart attack at age 45, and we last were able to make love, the night before. His blockages don't even allow for the shots to work. A implant is not an option, as he was also diagnosed with prostate cancer about 5 years ago. So, the last time my hubby and I were able to make love with PIV was 15 years ago. I SO nvy your wife/ wives and surely don't understand WHY they cannot see what they are so lucky to have, yet throw away, is beyond me. 

You have my greatest sympathies. I hope you can find happiness again with a woman who WILL appreciate you and the love you have to offer someday.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The problem is you tolerated it for so many years, and then you decided to produce children. It's not fair to get buyer's remorse at this point.

The best thing you can do is stop thinking about your wife's sex drive as the issue. Think of all the things you are doing that are causing her to not be attracted to you sexually and stop doing them.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

I dated a man in a similar situation (I did not know he was married).
She made up the same excuses as your wife did, and after years of rejection, he stopped asking for sex. He then went six years without sex. We then met, had a very passionate affair and were very happy, but when everything came to light, he chose his house and car over having a fulfilling relationship.

You need to make a decision. Do you want to stay in a relationship where you are constantly being rejected or do you want to find a fulfilling one that makes you happy.

I will pretty much guarantee that if you stay and the sex continues to be the way it is, you will find yourself cheating in a few years, which will hurt your family more than packing it in now for irreconcilable differences.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I am in a similar situation so I greatly sympathize. What I have found is that you are tempted to focus on everything wrong with your wife. She is blatantly deficient, so that is easy.

What is hard is taking a really honest look at yourself. Consider the following:

1. If you were single today, what would you want to improve about yourself to make yourself as attractive as possible? 

2. Do you operate from a baseline assumption that your relationship should be balanced? Do you continue to try to please her even when she has demonstrated that she could care less about your needs?

3. While maintaining boundaries of self-respect, do you do what a husband/father should do on a consistent basis? This does not mean sucking up to your wife or being a doormat.

The key feature to all of the above is that every action you take should come from a place of respect you have for yourself and motivation to be the kind of man you admire. 

If you find you are doing anything to get a reaction from her, you should take a step back and reconsider. This is very difficult, but the more the practice it, the more you will develop an independent sense of self determination and self worth. Her lack of interest and investment in your relationship will diminish in importance.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

As a wife, I am in a similar situation. The sex practically stopped on our wedding day - no sex on our wedding night or on our honeymoon - that was two years ago. We now have a practically non-existent sex life - regularly going 6 weeks between sex and sometimes 3 months. The only thing that will make my husband have sex with me is when I am so frustrated that I practically explode. This takes weeks and weeks to build up with me resenting him, totally dissatisfied with life all the way until I can bear it no longer. We then have sex and things carry on along the same lines until the next time I blow up. Having to go to such lengths to get my husband to have sex with me is destroying our marriage and my love for him. Yes, I'm still desperate for sex but I no longer even fancy my husband and would rather have sex with somebody else. I now look forward to meeting new men as I'm on the lookout for a sex partner and feel totally justified in doing this. I really wasn't expecting marriage to mean a celibate lifestyle - I had more sex than this when I was single.


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## canadian34 (Oct 12, 2014)

Hicks said:


> The problem is you tolerated it for so many years, and then you decided to produce children. It's not fair to get buyer's remorse at this point.
> 
> The best thing you can do is stop thinking about your wife's sex drive as the issue. Think of all the things you are doing that are causing her to not be attracted to you sexually and stop doing them.


I don't think it has anything to do with tolerating or buyer's remorse.

In fact I think your comments are pretty stupid.

Are you saying that nobody with children is allowed to consider divorce.

And finally - I don't believe it's an attraction issue either (externally or internally). I believe there's more to it than that, but I don't know what those are yet.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Hicks said:


> The problem is you tolerated it for so many years, and then you decided to produce children. It's not fair to get buyer's remorse at this point.
> 
> The best thing you can do is stop thinking about your wife's sex drive as the issue. Think of all the things you are doing that are causing her to not be attracted to you sexually and stop doing them.


I somewhat agree with the first paragraph and couldn't disagree more with the second. You will never stop doing those things that are "causing her to not be attracted to you sexually". Unless she is motivated to see this as a serious problem and to take some responsibility for it, those "things" will always be a moving target.

I'm in a similar situation. I have stayed for my kids. But it is not easy and I sometimes I wonder if it is healthy. 

Ultimately only you know the entire situation and will have to make an imperfect decision in a bad situation. When deciding if it is time to move on, I trust you understand that the grass is not likely to be greener. All long term relationships take work and often you will be forced to deal with unresovlable issues


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Hang on a moment here..... When we stood infront of the altar (or whatever) and said 'I do' we all (I hope!) meant it at the time. No one in their right frame of mind gets married KNOWING she (or he) is the wrong one.

Once children arrive on the scene many women feel that they have now done their part; they have reproduced themselves. Looking after and bringing up the children is paramount so their relationship with their husband - including sex - goes on a back burner. 

The husband does what he can to help round the house; help with washing, cooking, shopping etc but because its all about the children he feels unimportant...all he is is a 'facilitator'.

I fully empathise with the OP. We men will do anything to help round the house and family....we'll take our wife out for dinner, buy her flowers, do the ironing, empty the dishwasher, bring breakfast in bed on a Sunday....all we want in return is to be loved PHYSICALLY. Don't buy us tickets for 'the game', just make love to us.

We will tolerate lots hoping that things will get better...but once we reach the end of our tether thats it, we close down, clam up and make exit plans.

We might be stupid but we're not THAT stupid!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

OnAnIsland said:


> She recently went away for three weeks, and I was shocked to find I didn't miss her at all. In fact , taking care of our child by myself actually got me thinking that divorce wasn't so unthinkable.



three weeks gone is a VERY LONG time to be away from each other. ANYONE might have weird feelings during that....do not take that as some sort of "sign from God" that your marriage is over! You were probably just lonely.

During her long trip...how did you keep in contact? My wife travels a lot, and i find video chatting with her (i use skype because it is easy to do any where there is an internet connection) to be FAR SUPERIOR to a phone call. The phone calls were not cutting it....kind of boring. But to see her face, her expressions, as she tells me about her day....that really makes a difference. Try skyping her every day she is on a business trip...see if it keeps your interest for her up high


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I'm going away next week for four days with the children (wife has to work) and I am really looking forward to it. Just them and me..no 'her'.

We get on so much better when she isn't around. In the car we have a laugh...doing things we have a laugh...its fun.
She is just emotionally dead.

Its not often you see a helicopter on the road in the distance. 'Wow! Look at that! I wonder whats happened'.....'What? Where?......why didnt you point to the helicopter?'....as if a helicopter landed on the road is a normal every day occurence?

The lights are on but there's no one in.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I recently spent 7 weeks apart from my husband while I took care of some issues with my children and grandchildren. We'd only been married for 18 months at the time but I didn't miss him at all. It was great to sleep in a clean bed with no smelly man and I got to masturbate in bed as much as I wanted so I actually had a much better sex life while we were apart.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

doobie said:


> As a wife, I am in a similar situation. The sex practically stopped on our wedding day - no sex on our wedding night or on our honeymoon - that was two years ago. We now have a practically non-existent sex life - regularly going 6 weeks between sex and sometimes 3 months. The only thing that will make my husband have sex with me is when I am so frustrated that I practically explode. This takes weeks and weeks to build up with me resenting him, totally dissatisfied with life all the way until I can bear it no longer. We then have sex and things carry on along the same lines until the next time I blow up. Having to go to such lengths to get my husband to have sex with me is destroying our marriage and my love for him. Yes, I'm still desperate for sex but I no longer even fancy my husband and would rather have sex with somebody else. I now look forward to meeting new men as *I'm on the lookout for a sex partner and feel totally justified in doing this.* I really wasn't expecting marriage to mean a celibate lifestyle - I had more sex than this when I was single.


Doobie, you're 2 years in...Why not just divorce? I bet you still feel horrible if you go outside the marriage, justified or not...


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Can't afford a divorce at the moment - the paperwork alone is £500 and I just don't have that right now. I need to save a few thousand (which is difficult as my husband barely has any income at present so I'm paying most of the bills) so that when I do divorce it's not in crisis mode. I need to have enough spare cash behind me to find somewhere to live, etc and make the move.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

canadian34 said:


> I truly loved her for years and couldn't imagine life without her. She's an amazing mother, but I'm not sure I'm prepared to stay her husband anymore.
> 
> I have A LOT of anger built up. I'm sick of it, really. Because it's the same thing again and again, and again.
> 
> ...


When you try to look at this objectively, is there a chance that your wife feels the same? or rather have been feeling like this for years? That there were issues in your marriage that made her detached from you the way sex thing detached you from her?

For me this is interesting post - parts of it could be written by me - about detachment, not missing my husband while away, enjoying time with kids alone. The other part feels like it could be written by my husband about me, how he would see it - lack of affection from my side, detachment. He would tell you how he tried be supportive, affectionate, etc (and it would be true), but wouldn;t mention (or didn't realize) things that were slowly moving me away from him.


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## canadian34 (Oct 12, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> When you try to look at this objectively, is there a chance that your wife feels the same? or rather have been feeling like this for years? That there were issues in your marriage that made her detached from you the way sex thing detached you from her?
> 
> For me this is interesting post - parts of it could be written by me - about detachment, not missing my husband while away, enjoying time with kids alone. The other part feels like it could be written by my husband about me, how he would see it - lack of affection from my side, detachment. He would tell you how he tried be supportive, affectionate, etc (and it would be true), but wouldn;t mention (or didn't realize) things that were slowly moving me away from him.



Great response. I will give this some thought and report back. I need to think about it.

Thanks for this.


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