# My husband just admitted he cheated!!!



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

My husband just admitted to me tonihgt that he had an affiar. We have been legally seperated. We have been working on reconsilation and I have felt there was a reason he kept going back and forth and why he kept having so many doubts about our marriage when he said he loved me.

I cheated too before he did, but my person lives in another state although he did fly to see me nad we did have sex. I felt really guilty and dirty.

My husband feels so guilty, so guilty he feels he is not good enough for me.

I'm not sure what I should be feeling rihgt now. I have not made love to my husband in like 4 months and before I found out about his affiar I had an idea that he did something. Why do I feel the desire to make love with my husband even more now??


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

blueskies30 said:


> My husband just admitted to me tonihgt that he had an affiar. We have been legally seperated. We have been working on reconsilation and I have felt there was a reason he kept going back and forth and why he kept having so many doubts about our marriage when he said he loved me.
> 
> I cheated too before he did, but my person lives in another state although he did fly to see me nad we did have sex. I felt really guilty and dirty.
> 
> ...


You want things to be "right" again.

But making love will only be a temporary solution.

You guys have a lot of work to do...and a lot of decisions to make about what you can and can't forgive...good luck...


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

Hysterical bonding plays a role, too.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

OOE said:


> Hysterical bonding plays a role, too.


What do you mean by this??


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

> Hysterical Bonding – from the SI website: Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS's experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse. Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before. This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding.
> 
> There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are "rewarding" the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build.
> 
> The occurrence or absence of hysterical bonding does not appear to be an indicator of successful reconciliation. Many other factors, such as the WS's remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. In fact, it has been said it is the one positive in an otherwise long and miserable experience, so enjoy it while it lasts!


From this post.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

OOE:

WOW!! Thanks for that information. I did not know it was normal to feel this way. 

I was already thinking of telling my husband he needs to come over after he gets off work tomorrow. Actually before he left my house today and before he told me of the affair. He was loving touching me as he hugged me. I guess I was loving rubbing my hands along his chest wihtout thinking about it.

My husband called me as soon as he left my house and was asking if I was ok. This was before he told me, but he had told me that I was going to be really upset with him and want a divorce after our next MC session. While on the phone he just could not hold in his guilt any longer. He kept saying he had done somehting really really bad. I kept saying what, tell me now don't wait until counseling. Then he said he did something really bad. I said you slept with that girl didn't you?!! He said yes. He was very very remorseful. We continued to talk on the phone. he answered every question I asked. 

He says he feels so bad and doesn't feel he deserves me. I have kind of waited so long for those words. So many others have told me my husband does not deserve me. 

My husband and I decided as of tonihgt that we will continue with our marriage. For me his infedility does not change how much I love him. His infedility happened when he was mourning me and when he was imagining me with another. 

I too have felt a lot of guilt for the way I have acted over the course of my marriage, even though I loved him so much. My husband and I had grown far apart even though we were going to MC sessions. I had felt that he no longer loved me for years. We had very infrequent sex. I thought he did not desire me...he said tonight he has all along, but my constant nagging him making him feel like he was not doing a good job as a husband made him not able to perform.

Because I felt he didn't love me I actually had a EA over FB. It involoved long conversations where I never came to bed until 2-4am, sexting and video sex.

I'm not at all saying my husband is off the hook by me, but I don't want to give up on my marriage because I found out. 

I think we might need to act quickly on effection for eachother before I start really resenting him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*I cheated too before he did*

Have you told him that you cheated too?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to come fully clean to him about what you have done. There will never bea better time than now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I did tell him some of it. I told him I had phone sex and video sex


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I never saw my affair partner like he did his. She lives here and it feels like such betrayal.

We were supposed to be reconsiling while he was with her. Thats really what hurts.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

blueskies30 said:


> I did tell him some of it. I told him I had phone sex and video sex



But you never told him you actually had physical sex. If you truly want to R, then the truth has to come out.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I've already erased it from my mind and if he knew he would feel like we should really get a divorce. Hes already thinking about divorce because he says he does not deserve me and hes hurt me so much


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

^^ trickle truth. He needs to know about all of it.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm feeling like I need to see him, but he wants to kind of with draw emotionally now. He says he can't come over tonight because he doesn't want to get even more depressed


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> I did tell him *some of it*. I told him I had phone sex and video sex





blueskies30 said:


> *I've already erased it from my mind and if he knew he would feel like we should really get a divorce. *Hes already thinking about divorce because he says he does not deserve me and hes hurt me so much


Not fair. 
He's told you about waht he did and you're gaslighting him.

You need to be honest with him. This man came to you and told you something MAJOR and gaslighting him and hiding your own truth with him after you said this: 

*My husband feels so guilty, so guilty he feels he is not good enough for me.*

...is awful. I am calling you out cause it's wrong what you're doing. 

Come clean. Put all your cards on the table.

Then decide together whether to stay or go.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm really not sure how to come clean. I know what I told him last night probably is stinging today. 

Today he seems different than last night and I'm worried about it. He does not want to come over tonight. Says he needs to go home take zanax and go to bed.

I don't want him to shut the communication down.

He was over at our house last night and I felt passion from him. It seemed he was letting go a little. He told me on the phone right after he left our house.

He actually came over last nihgt to get paperwork that he said his lawyer needed. Our divorce expires on 12/25. Hes already saying we should get a divorce because of all of this because hes not sure he can forget what he did. I don't want to push him closer to that decision.

I want him to feel our passion again....


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> I cheated too before he did, but my person lives in another state although he did fly to see me nad we did have sex. I felt really guilty and dirty.


So while married you cheated by having sex with a guy who did fly to see you? 

You have to tell him the whole truth. 

I think you two are made for each other. I hope you two end up very happy.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

This is probably the main reason why I was so against separation during the reconciliation process in your other thread - separation just enables the cheating, and causes more pain, or when there is no infidelity it simply demonstrates that there is no real committment to making it work. In times of stress, if you need breathing space, take a weekend away or a short vacation, but affairs don't really give you the fresh air you need. I guess I'm in the camp of "All in or all out".


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

My husband does not want to talk about any of the details of his affiar, only what was already said last night.

He said he has done wrong and all he can say is sorry.

He said "U want to move on & reconnect but u bring up the past"


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

So I was telling my husband I was confused as to why he told me he wanted to repair our marriage but was with another and didn't break it off right away. Why he continued to see her for 2 months.

He replyed with "I gotta go ttyl


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

He did last night tell me he would wear his wedding ring. He has never worn it always claiming it hurt him and he doesn't wear rings. He works in a dangerous environment so he can't wear a ring at work.

Last night he was confessing his love for me and telling me he was so sorry, but today he does not want to talk about it.

Should I just not know any details much at all??

It seems he might want to work on reconnecting us and forgetting the past. Hes already saying it is past even though he just told me yesterday


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Are you okay on putting off talking about the details until later, and working on keeping the communication alive?

It seems that you both have a common ground now, cheating. You can use it against each other, or turn it into a "we both screwed up, so let's fix this" opportunity. Or at least try to fix it. 

Since you confessed your affair to him while he was already feeling like crap for what he did and thinking he no longer deserved you, he probably took your confession as affirmation that he doesn't deserve you and that you found that out long ago and therefore cheated on him (the depression thinking). So that probably drove him deeper into depression. 

Tell him point blank that he does deserve you, and you want him. And also ask him if he wants you. Start there. Take it slow. Don't talk about the details. Just talk about a plan to move forward. Hold each other closely, hold hands, and just talk about things not related to your marriage such as work, news, anything.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

:iagree:


HerToo said:


> Are you okay on putting off talking about the details until later, and working on keeping the communication alive?
> 
> It seems that you both have a common ground now, cheating. You can use it against each other, or turn it into a "we both screwed up, so let's fix this" opportunity. Or at least try to fix it.
> 
> ...


:iagree: THANKS!!!

I've been talking to a friend who also manages a forum on cheating and has been cheated on her self. She says the details won't help either one of us. So I guess I'm going to drop asking him questions. It seems that asking him questions is driving him further away. My friend said he probably does not want to hurt me anymore and the details would hurt me.

I know the very details of mine would really hurt him and I don't want to create sexual hangups in our family home for him. I do know the guilt that comes with the cheating cause I felt it and I could not even see my husband every day. My guilt and memories have faded and I don't want them to come back again so strong. 

Maybe the memories of his is also too hurtful for him too. Telling me about it would both hurt me and him.

I feel I have made mistakes today by asking him so many questions, but I didn't know questions were off the table already. I didn't know that he wanted me to talk about something else.

Last night I was talking about how much I still loved him and I still wanted him. Perhaps I need to continue that.

Hes already said that he is not going to come to our home tonight. I told him that our kids are asking about him and they want to see him. The kids do ask about him so often now, ever day, several times per day. They get so happy to see him except for our oldest daughter who is 10 and has always been a bit reserved with both of us. She has aspergers which is a form of Autism


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Then take the kids to go see him. Pick up a pizza, some snacks, drinks, and tell the kids you are going to surprise "Dad" with a fun family party. Have the kids rush in and yell "Surprise!!!" and hug him. Then you enter smiling. Say "Pizza delivery! Let's eat!".

Then just let things happen as a family.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

My husband works long hours in another town east of us. He has to pass our town going home to his parents house North of us. So we can't go meet him. I have to convince him to come here on his way back from work. 

So I played the daddy card with the kids and said they really were talking about him all day today which 2 of them were. So he agreed to come over tonight, but won't stay long and if he hears any nagging or complaining he is outta there. 

Then he also text that he can't stay long cause he didn't eat dinner last night and took xanax and has been dizzy all day today.

I suggested him bringing dinner, but he said he doesn't eat fast food anymore.

So anyway I hope tonight will go smoothly. He had said yesterday that he was not going to stay long, but ended up staying even after the kids went to bed and we were able to have some time without the kids. We were able to sit next to eachtoher and hugged eachotehr a lot. Hugging that actually had a bit of him touching. Where I could feel his desire for me. My desire and caresses were coming without thinking. 

I do hope he moves back in soon. I'm afraid he will continue his relationship with this woman who has his cell # . He eats out every night at restaurants and that is where he met her at. He also stopped paying me support money. he says he does not have to pay anymore because the orders that it was drawn on (restraining order) have been dismissed.

The divorce papers I had him served with expire on 12/25 and last night he needed various paperwork for his lawyer, but he says I won't need to sign anything.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Uh oh! Sounds a little like he's having his cake and eating it too. Be careful, protect your heart. If he's still having an affair, that could make him feel that he has the ability to set ground rules for his visit. And, he's not paying you support.

Something stinks. I'm sorry. I hope I'm wrong.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Me and my husband did get some things accomplished tonight I think. I did convince him to come for a visit, even though on the phone it was rocky. 

Our visit was good. We didn't talk about the affair, but did talk about it a small amount on the phone before he got here. he changed his story as to where he met her. I'm not sure if hes really telling me the truth here. He said he didn't meet her at a restaurant. That she messaged him through FB nad the relationship started pretty early on in our seperation. I pointed around for dates. So I said SEpt 10th and he said no it was a little after that, then I said Sept 14th...he said I don't know I don't write things down in a calendar. I do know he changed his FB status to divorced on Sept 10th. 

He said my talking about the affair so much through texys while he was on breaks at work was making him feel even worse because he already felt so bad. He wanted me to leave the past in the past. He pointed out that he did not ask me about my affair. 

So I guess we don't go over details because it just makes the hurt on both ends worse??


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

He is asking you to sweep it under the rug.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

MORE ABOUT VISIT##

Our visit went well. he sat in his spot on the couch making himself at home. I sat close to him, we talked a little. I asked some questions about how he was feeling since now this was first visit after Affair exposure. Its the nature of the affair that really has me upset. Also that he just told me tonight that when he first asked me on Oct 3rd if I really wanted the divorce it was for his attorneys info. His attorney wanted to be prepared for what kind of divorce this would be. I guess since I said no I didn't really want a divorce, the attorney knew it would be difficult,LOL (I avoided his papers being served on me nad instead had my husband served through private server, I didn't want to be the one dumped)

So after our talk about what he was really feeling att eh present moment about me and us.... We had a nice queit time snuggling together. He pulled me close and held me. I felt so safe and loved. 

Previuosly through text I had told him that we needed to put new memories of us over the affair, so we could both forget. Last night after he initially told me about affiar we talked about sex. I said I thought you didn't want me before our seperation, he never initiated much and turned me down almost every time. So at that moment it was kind of like it opened the door to talk about our previous sex life which we never talked before.

Today he did thank me for my first reaction that was much better than he thought. My reaction while he was at work was different though. The betrayal part and visions came up today.

Our cuddling was so nice that he initiated. Then he stood up to get ready to leave. He hugged me and it was a tight effectionate hug and very long. Some of it was spent with him looking in my eyes. He did kiss me. The kiss didn't lead to anything else, at least at this visit.He was hungry and tired and was leaving because of that.

When he got closer to our garage door he gave me anohter hug of the same type, but with no kiss this time.

He did text me as soon as he got to where he was eating and said "it was very nice sitting and relaxing & cuddling with me" 
He also text "if I was 100percent to give 110 billion million percent to try abd make us work, He was too"

He also text "the only thing different hes going to require from him and me is complete open communication!! & no matter how long it takes we will not go to bed angry"


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

HelloooNurse said:


> He is asking you to sweep it under the rug.


I'm not sure if it is sweep it under the rug or he has told me most of the extent of the affiar and does not want to go into too much detail. He wants to forget the memories and move on.

I'm sure it will be talked about in our MC sessions. 

He had agreed as of yesterday night when affair was brought out that he would wear a wedding ring. he has never worn his ring except for our wedding night.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

blueskies30 said:


> MORE ABOUT VISIT##
> 
> He did text me as soon as he got to where he was eating and said "it was very nice sitting and relaxing & cuddling with me"
> He also text "if I was 100percent to give 110 billion million percent to try abd make us work, He was too"
> ...


*******Since he was talking about the above****

I decided to ask him if he thought he would have any sexual hangups with me in our reconsiled marriage. He said he didn't think so. 

Sex was a huge concern for me in our marriage because well***
*****WE WERE NOT HAVING IT!!!****
even though I would ask for it, but I also relized I was pushing him away with his little flirts that lead up to the those feelings for me

I want to keep the sex communication going because that is one of my needs in the new marrriage as well as his need of 100% communication from here on out

He also had said "its gonna be a long hard road"
So I'm sure in counseling more may be revealed, although I don't want to know details really. I feel they are better left unsaid.


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