# Lost & Confused



## UnluckyOne (May 2, 2017)

Hello everyone,



My first day here and already a little relived that I found a place to vent and perhaps get some answers. A little about my marriage. We had a long distant relationship for over a year prior to getting married. We met on a dating site online and hit it off perfectly. Both of us were just getting over another past relationship and we both found comfort in talking to each other daily. I'd take few weeks off every other month or so to visit and she would do the same. It was love at first sight and she was to be the wife I always wanted. We could talk about anything, laugh about anything, sex was magical, and she was the perfect girl for me. This was to be the perfect marriage, I mean there is nothing more I could ever ask for. Even her family and mine loved each other and I felt like home when I was at her parents house as she did with mine. It was a done deal this was the perfect ending of a love book that I always wanted to be a part of. 

But, unlike most books I was mislead by the cover and description paragraph from the back. This one perfect girl for me is now someone who I do not know how to talk to. Forget the conversations we had for hours and days I'm lucky if I can talk to her for few minutes. This once sensual steamy bedroom girl is now a wife who wishes to have sex once every 6 months (sometimes more). Eight long years we been married and things instead of getting better keep getting worse and worse. It seems no matter what I do for her nothing changes as we continue to fight and have arguments. 

We have a 3 year old son, I renovated the house of her dreams, bought her the car she always wanted, showered her with gifts and all but still nothing has changed. I'm in a very difficult situation because now it's not just about me and her but about my son too. I love him so much and hate to hurt him if we are to get a divorce. If things dont work out then I know she can't afford that house without my income. So she will lose it all and my son will be heart broken. Again I'm so lost and confused of what to do. 

The marriage counseling thing lasted only 3 sessions after which she agreed to find a new counselor as one we had wasn't all that great. I keep asking her when are we going again but no answer. Sad part of all this is the outside world thinks we live the perfect life. The house, the family, the lifestyle I mean on paper we are the happiest family. The truth of the matter is I'm miserable and keep getting worse year after year. Things get better and I get some hope but then few months pass and I'm back to the same miserable place again.

Talking to her is just about impossible. From day one of our marriage after the honey moon stage was over she has had a very difficult time communicating. Her way of resolving something is walking away from the situation, ignoring me, talking under her breath, isolating herself in the guest bedroom or master bedroom and that's it. The next day she will say hello and i'm sorry and poof just like that I'm suppose to carry on with my day. I keep telling her lets go see another MC and she keep putting it in the back burner. I mean if it wasn't for me we wouldn't even have went to the first one. I had to practically grab her hand and go.

I dont know I'm so lost and this story is probably all over the place. I just don't know what to do. I've been though a lot in life and think of myself as someone that can hurdle over any challenge but this marriage is slowly killing me inside. I'm the only one that can feel it and see it but it's truly ruining me. Sure we have some good days together too it's not all bad every single day. But, to look back of how I use to be 8 years ago and how I am now.... ya I have changed for the worst. I'm starting to be like her and I can feel it. That someone who wore his heart on his sleeve is now becoming cold, carless, and someone with no feelings. When I tell my wife I'm not happy and I'm going to leave her if she doesn't change it doesn't even phase her. That's how I'm becoming right now. Someone with no life. Someone that just wakes up goes to work 8-5 comes home eats dinner says hello to her with some small talk and same thing next day. We dont even sleep in same rooms no more as she claims her leg hurts and its not comfortable to sleep on a real bed. I get it she had bad sciatic nerve injury but 4 months already? Ya I dont know? I'm just lost and of ideas. I been trying and trying for 8 years and it seems I'm now running out of steam. I dont know if divorce is the best thing or not. I mean I'm hitting 40 I'm not young anymore. Just the thought of all this effort, emotion, and work to do over makes me sick to my stomach. I dont even know what's right or wrong anymore. I'm simply lost and confused. 



PS> Sorry for this roller-coaster, run on sentence, grammar disaster of a story. Hopefully I laid it all out there and maybe just maybe someone will suggest something that has yet crossed my mind to do or try. Maybe some of you had the same experience and fixed it maybe even moved on. 


Thank you in advance.


Alex


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I will never date long distance again. My story is very similar to yours and looking back, seeing each other on weekends and holidays just doesn't give you a full picture of what daily life (and how they handle it) will be like. 

When you are apart, you daydream of what it will be like when you're together. It's easy to fall in love with a daydream. The reality of it is rarely the same. 

My situation turned into a drawn out bad and lonely marriage until we could afford financially to divorce. And probably the prime years of my life down the toilet. 

After 10+ years, I am finally in the final phase of my divorce. Depositions on the 18th. Now starting over at 48 :/


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Unluckyone, 

Look to D since your W hoodwinked you. Concerning your son, living in a home with miserable parents he will be able to sense. This could potentially be worse on your son than divorcing for a better life.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I don't know if she intentionally hoodwinked you, but look up Borderline Personality Disorder and see if you come across traits in her. She put on an act for you to start. Not cause she wanted to, but because that is what she does for everyone. It's her advocate, her representative as my BPD stbx used to say. Eventually it wears down as you live together and everything starts to read it's ugly head. Maybe it's not this, but check it out.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Your story is similar to mine. She knew how to get the guy she wanted so she did everything she know that you would want...just enough to hook you in. After the wedding everything changes. My wife's lies started to become more apparent and your wife's personality began to change. I feel like she waited until she was pregnant to start all the lying. Things just got worse and worse. I don't know what to do either.


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## UnluckyOne (May 2, 2017)

Wasn't expecting such great responses so fast. Thank you all.


Elizabeth that sounds scary and sounds like the replicate of my life. I have come to conclusion that I was her rebound guy and maybe she was for me too. I was to blinded by her looks and so called promises. In reality she's not a horrific person we're just complete opposites. She lied to me and lied to me bad there is no denying that. I don't get how someone can promise you the star and the moon just to get your attention but when you give your life to them years later it means nothing. Did you try counseling? Did it work? I don't consider my 3 sessions anything at all. I know we need weeks and weeks if not years of counseling to get to the bottom of things. Like you mentioned I'm afraid to start over though. Part of me keeps saying hang in there and see if it will get better.


Herschel I agree with you this marriage is really wearing me down. I don't ever recall being so blah in life. I'm was a energetic, athletic, Mr do it all, fun guy. Now I'm this lazy, careless, with no drive or motivation character. I try to stay positive and think things will get better and keep fighting. I hate giving up after all these years.


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## UnluckyOne (May 2, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> Your story is similar to mine. She knew how to get the guy she wanted so she did everything she know that you would want...just enough to hook you in. After the wedding everything changes. My wife's lies started to become more apparent and your wife's personality began to change. I feel like she waited until she was pregnant to start all the lying. Things just got worse and worse. I don't know what to do either.


Wow seriously? Okay so this is a trend? This is the 2nd reply on my post with same ordeal? Argh man this make me mad. I use to lie to myself and say no she can't be that cruel of hooking me like that. Did you ever confront her? I have many times. I've asked her why have you lied to me of whom you really are? Her answer....nothing. She doesn't even respond. My wife has no form or way to communicate. Just last night she was talking about how her sister in law is using her husband like a bank. I couldn't help to laugh. I swear some people are just to blind. Or maybe they are smarter then we give the credit for. Maybe we are the blind ones who fell in their trap. The ONLY reason I'm still in this marriage is for my son. I'm still fighting to keep this family together. Had he not been int he picture I was long gone.

These replies are starting to worry me though. I feel like there are bunch of guys and gals like myself who were used for bait. Baits that keep trying to find answers but when we stop and look back years are gone and now its harder to walk away.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You've given her no consequences. It's time to man up and become the alpha. Regain control of your life and start calling the shots.

You tell her things will change and get better, or you'll break up her little world and split all of your "crap" 50/50 and go find someone that desires you. The first requirement is that she must get evaluated from a physician and a physiologist. Not a therapist. She most likely needs a real doctor that can prescribe meds. 

Good luck. Posting here is a great first step. I suggest you read No More Mr. Nice Guy. It's a free read, just google it. I read it in a couple hours because it was so eye awakening. I separated from my wife 2 weeks later after I read it and she kept calling it a "cult" book that tells guys to divorce their wives. lol lol.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If you are WANTING a divorce, that pretty much says it all. 
Nobody WANTS a divorce unless they're seeing another person. If your woman gets us do bad that you want a divorce, it's gotta be bad. Sexless marriage?
You don't even sleep in the same bed and snuggle?
Yeah---- dump her. It will be costly, but you know they say divorces are so expensive because they're worth it. Sounds like yours will be.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Can you find another MC? Make some appointments?


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## UnluckyOne (May 2, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Can you find another MC? Make some appointments?




That's my goal right now. Divorce is a option but 8 years is a long time with a poor little guy in the middle. I'm willing to fight and try a little more. I simply dont have any answer but still a tiny bit of hope left. If everyone divorced with no effort then well we woldn't all be here looking for answers. Aside the cost which I can care less for she can have everything I dont want a penny. I just want to be in my sons life and I want to be there for him at all times. I know my wife will get custody and I wont fight for that. He's closer to her "for now". Maybe when he grows old he will perhaps see why all this happened. Or maybe he will grow up to hate me who knows. All I know is I tried for 8 years and it's worth trying a little more. 

One reply suggested I put my fut down and be the alpha. That is a great response I have to man up. She in no way controls me or tells me what to do. But, at the same time I can never have her listen to communicate. She's the kind of person that can have a big fight and lock her door and go to sleep without a issue. I will be up all night pissed off. 

First step was coming here and owning up to the truth. I'm glad I did. I know I'm not alone and many have very similar if not identical stories like mine. Scary and definitely a eye opener.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

There are four known stages of a butterfly. I believe there is one more for certain types.

Stages:

Egg.
Caterpillar.
Chrysalis.
Butterfly

When you met your wife she was in the butterfly stage.
Sometime after your honeymoon she transformed into a Carpet beetle.

When you started noticing the changes in her you swept her and her ways under the carpet.

The problem is, she is happy being under the carpet and out of sight, out of touch. 
You need the butterfly back. You want the butterfly back. 

Listen to the other posters advice about taking control of your relationship.
The advice, whereby, you insist she quickly seek medical and psychological help for her unreasonable behavior. You go with her to her appointments.

Give her a timeline. Give her an ultimatum. Do so with quiet but firm words. Tell her that if she does not undo her present behavior....you are doing....done.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

UnluckyOne said:


> Wasn't expecting such great responses so fast. Thank you all.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Counseling? That and everything else. Counseling only helps if people are willing to apply it in life, which my stbx did not. I felt like it was a huge waste of time but at least I can leave saying I tried everything. 

I got the old bait n switch too. As soon as we were socked into a 30 year mortgage, bring on the grumpy "old" man who sits in a chair 24/7. 50, going on 80. I couldn't spend another day of watching him watch tv. 

I reached a point in the first few years when I got tired of being the only one who initiated sex so I stopped initiating. So the sex stopped. I'm not sure if we ever had real intimacy because I think he was putting on a charade early on. I was so enamored with him that I didn't pay attention. In the end I believe he is probably asexual and in denial. It doesn't matter...the end result is the same. 

Now...when we visited his family on holidays, the "good old George" came out. The minute we were back in the car to drive home, the switch got flipped. 

So yeah...some people are great at putting up fronts. They usually don't like who they really are and pretend to be different. Which is an easy accomplishment on weekends and holidays, huh?

Just some things to chew on. Good luck!


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I will also add that he had zero communication skills as well. I always felt like if we could communicate about it and talk it out that any problem could be conquered. But one-sided communication does not work and is also often seen as nagging. One cannot row the boat alone but for so long.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I have no idea what you should do. I feel sorry for people who find themselves in situations like this.

One thing. Once you said you will leave if this or that does or doesn't happen, and then you didn't leave when your criteria wasn't met, that threat is worthless ever again. She will never believe that one. She knows you're not serious, so it's as if you never said a thing.

I don't know why my wife has tried to please me throughout our marriage. I hate to think she may have gone bad on me if I hadn't done something a certain way. She says I always displayed just the right mix of compassion and overwhelming power to put stars in her eyes and make her want to do anything for me.

Just luck, is all.

The question is when do you decide to give up and move on if you weren't so lucky.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She knows how to communicate. She knows how to make love. She knows how to be sweet. She just doesn't want to. Hasn't since the wedding ring went on, according to you. Youve tried for eight years. Now you want to try before divorcing. 

No.

You want to vent and complain and do nothing.

No problem with that. But let's not pull each other's skirt......


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

UnluckyOne said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Alex, many find themselves in this position particularly around the 7 year mark (7 yr itch point), if things are not resolved at this juncture, this is what the marriage may look like going into the future.

I would suggest you go and get IC for yourself, to work through what issues you may be bringing to the marriage, to learn new ways to handle your new normal. You tell your wife what you are doing and suggest she do the same thing otherwise, if you see no progress you will ultimately file for divorce. IN a marriage the only person you can change is yourself, sometimes when one partner changes, the other follows suit, you will be leading by example. If is doesn't work at least you have worked on yourself.
It could be that you are not meeting her needs for affection, conversation, etc so she has shut down and the sex has gone with it. Communication seems to be a huge issue here.
Her past/family scenario may contribute to the way she handles open conversations, she runs away from them.
You should write down the things you want to say and then sit her down and outline them, do it in a gentle, non defensive way, explaining you want to have a fulfilling marriage and intimacy for you both for the future. I am sure she wants the same things but does not know how to open up and talk to you about it, counselling in this regard would help her.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

UnluckyOne said:


> Wow seriously? Okay so this is a trend? This is the 2nd reply on my post with same ordeal? Argh man this make me mad. I use to lie to myself and say no she can't be that cruel of hooking me like that. Did you ever confront her? I have many times. I've asked her why have you lied to me of whom you really are? Her answer....nothing.
> 
> Think about it, the way you are talking is as if your bad marriage is all on her,
> she sold you a 'pig in a poke' you have even openly said this to her.
> ...


You have not shown what exactly you have brought to the marriage, why you did not like the MC, my H didn't like the MC either because it showed him exactly who he was, and that was not a nice picture, do you have the same problem? You will find many here who assume you are the poor unassuming spouse, baited into a marriage, I am not convinced and nothing you have said says otherwise. Remember it takes two hands to clap, have you thought about what you have or haven't done in this marriage?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Counseling? That and everything else. Counseling only helps if people are willing to apply it in life, which my stbx did not. I felt like it was a huge waste of time but at least I can leave saying I tried everything.
> 
> I got the old bait n switch too. As soon as we were socked into a 30 year mortgage, bring on the grumpy "old" man who sits in a chair 24/7. 50, going on 80. I couldn't spend another day of watching him watch tv.
> 
> ...


 @Elizabeth001
Good post...sad post. 

"Bait and Switch" became "Wait and Twitch" for you....waiting for him to become intimate with you...waiting for him to step up.....in the up position.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

aine said:


> You have not shown what exactly you have brought to the marriage, why you did not like the MC, my H didn't like the MC either because it showed him exactly who he was, and that was not a nice picture, do you have the same problem? You will find many here who assume you are the poor unassuming spouse, baited into a marriage, I am not convinced and nothing you have said says otherwise. Remember it takes two hands to clap, have you thought about what you have or haven't done in this marriage?





aine said:


> You have not shown what exactly you have brought to the marriage, why you did not like the MC, my H didn't like the MC either because it showed him exactly who he was, and that was not a nice picture, do you have the same problem? You will find many here who assume you are the poor unassuming spouse, baited into a marriage, I am not convinced and nothing you have said says otherwise. Remember it takes two hands to clap, have you thought about what you have or haven't done in this marriage?


You got no "likes" on this post...I fixed that.

This was a well thought out post...it really was. You brought your own feelings and experiences into this post and conversation. Good. That is how we share our problems and maybe come up with a solution.

You really poured your heart out in this...thank you.

You got no likes on this line of thinking because your line leads to the same dead end. If you are correct in your assessment of how this happened, it is still very likely "too late" to change things. 

His wife literally collapsed very soon after marriage. As if the air was let out of her. Like you I find that odd. Is OP a gaslighter? Is he telling us a rewritten version of what happened in his marriage. He does sound like a boy scout and that is how/why I wrote my responses to his plight. 

On the stated facts. This others did this also. We do not have her side of the equation.

You may be correct? Or not. 

If nothing else, you planted the seed of doubt. Hopefully OP sees this, and takes it to heart. That is called introspection....from his post he seems to possess a fair share.
Dunno...am not a fly on their marriage wall. My x-ray vision is faulty on this one. It only goes to the surface of this post.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> @Elizabeth001
> Good post...sad post.
> 
> "Bait and Switch" became "Wait and Twitch" for you....waiting for him to become intimate with you...waiting for him to step up.....in the up position.




Yeah & I would love to have just a small portion of the money back that we spent on Cialis & Viagra that never got used. Ugh...so glad I'm out of the whole situation!

Sorry for the t/j. 


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## UnluckyOne (May 2, 2017)

aine said:


> You have not shown what exactly you have brought to the marriage, why you did not like the MC, my H didn't like the MC either because it showed him exactly who he was, and that was not a nice picture, do you have the same problem? You will find many here who assume you are the poor unassuming spouse, baited into a marriage, I am not convinced and nothing you have said says otherwise. Remember it takes two hands to clap, have you thought about what you have or haven't done in this marriage?


Aside from Aine most replies I agree with. How exactly have I not shown that I have brought anything to my marriage exactly? Perhaps you can hep me better understand.... I gave up my family and friends to move cross country to be with her so she doesn't have to, I gave up a great paying respected job and started from the bottom of the barrel to climb up the ladder. I'm no where near wealthy or rich but I busted my ass for 8 years to be where I am today. If it wasn't for my income there would be no expensive cars or a house. My salary single handley holds my family together. Sure my wife works too and makes money but if I leave she will lose it all. Aside from the materialist things which can be irrelevant at this moment One thing I brought and continue to bring is patience. I live with a wife who think communicating requires isolation and walking away from someone. I put up with a wife who I haven't slept with for months. A wife who pretty much does what she wants and goes on her day any way she pleases. If I say something she doesn't want to hear then I get the silent treatment followed by her isolating herself. But, after all these years I finally cracked the impossible code. She's a replica of her dad. He does the same thing and acts the same way. The nicest guy around and works like a robot to provide for his family but say something he doesn't want to hear he walk to his room and locks the door. I tried not to laugh when I witnessed this few months ago but it all made sense to me at that point. It still doesn't change the fact that I live in with a wife who treats me like a roommate. But, I know for a fact that I give it all for this marriage and continue to fight to keep it together. I am certain anyone else in my shoes would have walked away long time ago. But, perhaps due to this being my 2nd marriage (first wife and I got married to early and jointly called it quits) and my age (almost 40) I feel like I invested to much to just walk away to easily. 

The biggest thing holding me back from walking away at this point is my son. I dont want him to lose the house or lose his lifestyle. My income will not be enough to pay all those bills and also pay for my own separate life. So in reality he will be the one effected by this. It's obvious my wife mind living like this. It doesn't even phase her that she's been sleeping in the guest room for over 3 months now. To her its no big deal that we dont have serious conversations and just put on a fake act around others. My poor parents who are both close to retirement think we have a happy life. My few friends that I made in this new state think I got it all. There is not a single person in my life that knows what I feel. I've told my wife many times that I'm not happy and this marriage is joke and roommates treat each other with more respect but she doesn't care. Her excuse continues to be that her leg hurts from nerve injury she has and that she has serious sleep issues. She's not lying about either she does have both and insomnia runs in her family. Again though she doesn't care to treat either. When I ask when she's going to acupuncture or therapy for her leg she says she's "still waiting for referral" When I say why dont you see a dr for insomnia medication she says "its fine she can deal with it" 

My problem is communication. I'm always ready to talk always ready to communicate and reason but it all goes back to step one. The few talks we'll have she'll promise to change and promise to do this or that and not even a week later back to square one. I honestly dont even know if a MC can help us anymore. I've read so many posts here of guys feeling like robots and living a life as if they have no heart beat. That's me right there ! I have such a stale and boring life overall. I look at married couples around me and say I wish that was me. I want to love and love back i want to go home knowing I have a wife to lay next to at night a hand to hold on the couch. I at times feel like the woman in the relationship with feelings. 

I'm just lost and confused dont know where to turn and how to do it. I wish I could just hit the lottery and give my wife a lump sum tell her to take care of my son and move on.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

UnluckyOne said:


> Aside from Aine most replies I agree with. How exactly have I not shown that I have brought anything to my marriage exactly? Perhaps you can hep me better understand.... I gave up my family and friends to move cross country to be with her so she doesn't have to, I gave up a great paying respected job and started from the bottom of the barrel to climb up the ladder. I'm no where near wealthy or rich but I busted my ass for 8 years to be where I am today. If it wasn't for my income there would be no expensive cars or a house. My salary single handley holds my family together. Sure my wife works too and makes money but if I leave she will lose it all. Aside from the materialist things which can be irrelevant at this moment One thing I brought and continue to bring is patience. I live with a wife who think communicating requires isolation and walking away from someone. I put up with a wife who I haven't slept with for months. A wife who pretty much does what she wants and goes on her day any way she pleases. If I say something she doesn't want to hear then I get the silent treatment followed by her isolating herself. But, after all these years I finally cracked the impossible code. She's a replica of her dad. He does the same thing and acts the same way. The nicest guy around and works like a robot to provide for his family but say something he doesn't want to hear he walk to his room and locks the door. I tried not to laugh when I witnessed this few months ago but it all made sense to me at that point. It still doesn't change the fact that I live in with a wife who treats me like a roommate. But, I know for a fact that I give it all for this marriage and continue to fight to keep it together. I am certain anyone else in my shoes would have walked away long time ago. But, perhaps due to this being my 2nd marriage (first wife and I got married to early and jointly called it quits) and my age (almost 40) I feel like I invested to much to just walk away to easily.
> 
> The biggest thing holding me back from walking away at this point is my son. I dont want him to lose the house or lose his lifestyle. My income will not be enough to pay all those bills and also pay for my own separate life. So in reality he will be the one effected by this. It's obvious my wife mind living like this. It doesn't even phase her that she's been sleeping in the guest room for over 3 months now. To her its no big deal that we dont have serious conversations and just put on a fake act around others. My poor parents who are both close to retirement think we have a happy life. My few friends that I made in this new state think I got it all. There is not a single person in my life that knows what I feel. I've told my wife many times that I'm not happy and this marriage is joke and roommates treat each other with more respect but she doesn't care. Her excuse continues to be that her leg hurts from nerve injury she has and that she has serious sleep issues. She's not lying about either she does have both and insomnia runs in her family. Again though she doesn't care to treat either. When I ask when she's going to acupuncture or therapy for her leg she says she's "still waiting for referral" When I say why dont you see a dr for insomnia medication she says "its fine she can deal with it"
> 
> ...






So sorry you're in this situation. Thank GOD we did not have children in the mix. 


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