# It hurts



## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

How can I get over the fact that it was me that pushed my husband to someone else, let me explain.
My husband works away from away, and less than a week ago I got an email from him saying he wants to seperate. We are Best friends, but the biggest problem, and according to him that is the reason, was the lack of sex. and he is right we have not had sex for a year and a half, I have a very low sex drive. I know I had this problem, and was going to work very hard at fixing it. We have just moved to another continent, and I thought a new life, a new me. But before I could try and make our marriage work, I got this email.
He has emotionally fallen for another lady, they have not been physical, but he does admit he loves her...
He thinks that because we had this problem for so long, this should not be a shock to me. 
I know he was not perfect in this marriage, but he was my life, my love, my friend, and the fact I am to blame is eating me up inside. I have asked how it can be so sudden, why not give me a ultimatum at some point in our marriage, I would of been forced to try earlier,,,NOW IT IS TOO LATE. I have not been given a chance to try.
We have 2 young kids, 6 and 4, I am a housewife, my life is a mess now. He says he still loves me, but it is not enough, and that he has feelings for someone else..
I dont blame him or anything, it is just sad. He is coming home in a week. I know I need to let him go to purue whatever, I do not want to be angry or anything, I am just so sad I have not been given a chance.
We still chat etc, and want to try be friends, financially he said nothing changes, I am still his concern, and he will help me in anyway. He is a good guy, which makes it so difficult to let him go, But I have to. Being a single mom now in a new country is going to be difficult for me.
Please tell me how I stop blaming myself, and how to get over him.
I wish I hated him, it would make things easier to let go.
Help, not eating, and walking around like a zombie, trying to keep busy with kids and exercise etc, but it is not enough, he is constantly on my mind.
Thanks For reading this, sorry it was so long, but have no-one else to chat to.
Nanook


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## Jane Smith (Nov 21, 2009)

NO, you dont want to hate him. That makes it so UGLY. It is really unfortunate that you BOTH let it get to this. But its not YOUR FAULT. It takes two to tango, and the both of you together were negligent to your marriage. However, you are very fortunate that you can remain friends, for your sake and for the kids. Just think about it this way. You never wanted to have sex with him abyway, so now you actually get the best of both worlds. You get to have your best friend forever (from a distance yes but thats better than nothing) and you also dont have to worry about the pressure of sex on your mind, cos that can be stressful alone enough to make no one want to ever want to have sex. You can call each other every now and then and chat about the kids. You can go to the kids sports games together as a family. You may at some stage need to talk to the new lady. And just keep a positive open mind. It would be in your best interest that the two of you get on ok so that there is no jelousy from her side. If you and your husband remain friends she might feel threatened and she might get nasty and that might affect your friendship with your ex. Dont be sad, there is a positive side to everything. I know its hard, but hang in there, time will heal the pain. And son enough someone will come and sweep you off your feet and he is gonna be the guy that you just CANNOT resist (sexually, of ourse  and you will still have your best friend.

Hang in there. It will get easier! And remember, it was NOT all your fault!


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

I just read your reply to my thread and we are going through similar situations. I understand what you said about not being angry, just sad. I've tried to hate my husband, but all I come up with is a sadness. I wish I could offer words of advice or encouragement to you, but I can't even find them for myself right now. Just know that you aren't alone. Please keep in touch, either through my thread or yours.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Jane Smith said:


> You never wanted to have sex with him abyway, so now you actually get the best of both worlds. You get to have your best friend forever... And son enough someone will come and sweep you off your feet and he is gonna be the guy that you just CANNOT resist (sexually, of ourse  and you will still have your best friend.


No. A divorce means she will not have her best friend. He will be gone. Men completely lose interest in wives who won't sleep with them.

Nanook - if you want to try and fight for your husband, what you need to do seems fairly obvious. Why haven't you been having sex with him? I'm sure you've know for some time that not having sex with a husband is just going to create a massive problem in the relationship.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

The fact is is that yes you played a role but no it was not all your fault. I repeat IT WAS NOT ALL YOUR FAULT. He played a role as well. And while yes I don't understand the whole no sex thing but at the same time if it bothered him or if he wanted you guys to start having sex than why didn't he say something? 

Another question why were you not having sex? I don't want to ask any personal information just you might want to use this time to work on you, any issues you may have.

Again the blame is not solely on your shoulders and you are going throu quite a bit right now, so take a step back and just try to catch your breathe and right a list of what you need to focus on. Get to the root of your issues. And who knows if you become a changed woman maybe your H will become a changed man.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ash and Jane,

I sometimes wonder if some women truly do not understand men at all. Many men will not threaten divorce in an attempt to fix their sex lives. They simply suck it up until one day - they are gone. The men who simply demand more sex to stay are rarely happy as a result. ONLY the men who demand an explanation for the lack of attraction - and then act on that information to make themselves attractive - actually fix these types of situations. And that last scenario is rare as it requires a man with good communication skills, a high level of commitment to his wife, and the ability to fix whatever the problems are. 

Nanook acknowledged the lack of sex was her very low drive. Actually that isn't even quite right. She simply flat out dislikes having sex with him. Wives know it is risky to completely shut off sexually. So they don't go to zero do to a low libido. They go to zero when they are sexually averse to their spouse. 

And she mentioned something about planning to fix it. You don't plan to fix a sex life that has been zero for 1.5 years unless you are sexually averse and procrastination is more enjoyable then actually improving the situation. 

Nanook I rarely disagree with Atholk - but this is one of those times. Do NOT pretend to like sex with your husband just to temporarily fix things. It is cruel to both of you to stay in a sexless marriage and unfair for you to have to grit your teeth in misery whenever he has sex with you. Just as it is totally cruel of you to deny him regular sex. Let him go and find someone you are attracted to. 









Ash22 said:


> The fact is is that yes you played a role but no it was not all your fault. I repeat IT WAS NOT ALL YOUR FAULT. He played a role as well. And while yes I don't understand the whole no sex thing but at the same time if it bothered him or if he wanted you guys to start having sex than why didn't he say something?
> 
> Another question why were you not having sex? I don't want to ask any personal information just you might want to use this time to work on you, any issues you may have.
> 
> Again the blame is not solely on your shoulders and you are going throu quite a bit right now, so take a step back and just try to catch your breathe and right a list of what you need to focus on. Get to the root of your issues. And who knows if you become a changed woman maybe your H will become a changed man.


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

Hi, thanks for all your replies, different views here, and I fully understand.
One thing is I did not dislike having sex with him, I did not grit my teeth, when we did have sex it was good. The big problem, I am very conservative, and could never get myself to initiate sex, I have no idea why that was, I would sometimes be looking at him, and think yes tonight I am, but to actually go and do something, I froze. Why, is a question I have no answers to. I dont know what I was afraid of, the more I would tell myself to get a grip,,but nothing worked, I could not for the life of my initiate sex.
That is how the no sex happened, he got tired of always being the one to initiate sex. He did not understand how I froze, he saw it as a sign of not wanting him, because I never initiated it, Which I fully understand from his part. I wish it was bad etc, then this would be much easier.
We have spoken loads, I know some people are under the impression that we will not remain friends, but I know we will be, we do not hate each other, I do not blame him for going to another woman. I do not want to try, not with someone else in the picture, he needs to go do this. My head has let him go, but emotionally it is a bit more difficult, everyday I blame myself.
Thanks again


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Nanook,
Your last post was completely me. There have been nights when I thought, tonight's the night and I can do this. But once we were in bed, something always came over me and I would kiss him goodnight and that was it. I know that he would never do anything cruel, but I always had this thought in my head that he would laugh at me or I wouldn't be able to satisfy him. This is definately part of my self esteem issues that I have to work on. Just being away for 2 days has really opened my eyes to what I lost.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Nanook and Zoecat,
We can only help if you are honest with us. The only reason a man stops initiating is because his wife has rejected him a LOT for a LONG TIME. So why did you reject him so much that he gave up and stopped initiating?

You don't have to be willing to initiate with most men, you simply have to say yes a fair amount of the time when they ask. Or as them if you can have a raincheck for a specific day - could be tomorrow - could be this coming Friday night. As long as they know you WANT to you are fine. 

There is no way you can fix this unless you acknowledge how you actually got to this point.



Nanook said:


> Hi, thanks for all your replies, different views here, and I fully understand.
> One thing is I did not dislike having sex with him, I did not grit my teeth, when we did have sex it was good. The big problem, I am very conservative, and could never get myself to initiate sex, I have no idea why that was, I would sometimes be looking at him, and think yes tonight I am, but to actually go and do something, I froze. Why, is a question I have no answers to. I dont know what I was afraid of, the more I would tell myself to get a grip,,but nothing worked, I could not for the life of my initiate sex.
> That is how the no sex happened, he got tired of always being the one to initiate sex. He did not understand how I froze, he saw it as a sign of not wanting him, because I never initiated it, Which I fully understand from his part. I wish it was bad etc, then this would be much easier.
> We have spoken loads, I know some people are under the impression that we will not remain friends, but I know we will be, we do not hate each other, I do not blame him for going to another woman. I do not want to try, not with someone else in the picture, he needs to go do this. My head has let him go, but emotionally it is a bit more difficult, everyday I blame myself.
> Thanks again


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Lingere. Just go buy some freaking lingere, put it on, stand in front of him and smile. If he doesn't understand that you're asking for sex, he's an idiot.

Men get all messed up emotionally over the initiating sex issue. They often think that their wife doesn't like sex or them or both because she "doesn't initiate sex". This is a one way trip to despair as the male is expected to be for the most part the active sexual approach partner and the female the passive accepting (or rejecting) partner.

So if he then tests her, and waits for her to initiate sex, she typically just reacts with confusion and wonders why he isn't trying to initiate sex with her. So he gets no sex, and she starts wondering why he doesn't want to sleep with her. After a while she feels unsexy and hurt, and unsexy and hurt women really blow at initiating sex, and can even start declining his actual approaches. It can be a vicious cycle.

The other reason men stop asking for sex is that their women repeatedly turn them down. After a while it just becomes too painful to expose themselves to further rejection.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Repeated rejection - been there - not pretty. I shut down and stop asking.

Pity sex - not pretty either. I'd rather not go there.

A woman who initiates sex - awesome. We will not laugh or demean. We will be grateful for the effort.

It's as simple as that.


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

Hi, I am being honest here, I did not say no to my husband, there is the odd day that you are exhausted, my husband could see, and not even ask. I am sure every woman feels like that every now and again.
He even joked and said to me on numerous occassions, that if he wanted sex, he just needed to touch me a certain way, and we would have sex, I got turned on very easily. 
He said to me by me not intitiating sex, he felt unloved, so hence he stopped, tit for tat kinda, and instead of us communicating, we ignored it, and hence pushing him into someone elses arms. again do not blame him. 
But I wish he just wanted to try solve this little problem, before just giving up, according to him we had a perfect marriage except for this fact, to me I see it as something that could of been fixed, if he told me, I am not going to initiate sex anymore, I feel unloved, we need to sort this out or say bye. If I had a fair share in trying to fix it, I would be okay with all this, but now I will never know, and wonder what if?
He is home in a week, I have made spare room up for him, we have a camping trip organised for 2 nights, still going to do that, still going to do loads of family outings.
He is in the illusion that nothing changes, he gets his woman and me as a friend, which is true, but he does not see the bigger picture, I will hopefully meet someone, and love someone again, when I am ready there will be someone there, and he needs to realise that I will be spending time with someone else and another man will be spending time with the kids. I am social, I get told I look good for my age, and people take 10 years sometimes, I am 38 by the way, but get told I look 30, I love outdoors, sports. It is not as if I will hide and be alone forever.
He also does not realize that this new love of his, will eventually not like being second to his kids, he works away from home, and he has said when the kids are young he still wants to be a factor in their life, ie, when he has time off it will be spent with the kids. yes he might bring her. Correct me if I am wrong here, but as nice as you are, when the honeymoon phase ends she will show she sometimes wants him for herself, and not always share him. 
he lives in this fairytale world, and thinks we will all be happy family, might be, but he needs to think that it might not be.

Any suggestions on how I can make him realise how much he is giving up. I do not want to seduce him etc, to me I am single, he is with someone, just want him to realise it will not all be glorious.
Am I being cruel here? I am not sitting here waiting for him to go figure out if he gave up too quickly, and he needs to know that.

He has said to me, that he has been thrown 2 woman that he loves, and that it is not easy for him. So he needs to go do what he has to, my opinion. I hope he is happy, but deep down inside I hope it does not work between the 2 of them, I feel terrible for thinking that. I am at Jealousy phase now. GREAT !!!!!
I appreciate all your advice,and comments, please keep them coming in.Thanks


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I am a man and I think what he's doing to you in ridiculous. If he was a real man he would have spoken up and told you how he felt. He is 100% responsible for making the decision to cheat on you. Do not make yourself feel guilty that you drove him away. Bull. He could've easily chosen to work on the situation but he took the easy way out. And now it conveniently works out that this decision makes it easier for him to walk out on you.

I'm speaking from experience here.....my wife is doing the same thing your husband is doing. She is in her own fantasy world that life will remain as it was with all of the benefits of old, and she will also get the new man too. I am right there with you Nanook. Be strong. Do not let him fool you into thinking it was your fault he did this. It just isn't.


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

Thank HELP239,
I was also just thinking, he aslo admitted that our living situation and his family played a big part in this, ie we moved back to inlaws, in a flatlet, for 4 years, tiny, it was so small, me and my husband landed up sleeping on high sleeper, so we could have more storage space, in laws would just walk in etc, so no privacy, over the last year things got bad with in law, any way now that we have moved into a new place, a new start, all looks positve, he wants out. That me makes the angriest, not the other woman, the fact he has not given our new life a try.
Anyway what must a person do.
This is the first time he will be home to his new house and new life. It is confusing, how quickly things change. And if he new things were not perfect in our old house etc, why say bye without trying...Really confused.
Another question, do you think I should write a letter to him to read at night,not to be discussed, just so he knows how I feel, eg, how I feel he has given up too quickly. He admits if it was not for this other woman, he would not have done it so quickly, and sudden. Or do you think I should just leave it, and let him be. Let him go be with this other one, because regardless of what I say or do he will still have those feelings for the someone else.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Again, right there with you. I am angry she went so quickly into the arms of another man. But I am as angry about her not giving our relationship another chance. She just gave up....on me, on our family, and in my opinion on giving the kids a happy life with both parents.

Her turning to someone else - her weakness, not mine. Her not wanting to give it another try - her weakness, not mine.

In my opinion, she almost acting like she's having a mid-life crisis. She's in her late 30s as well.


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

Have you written a story here about your problem, what is it titled, so i can read. This is for HELP239. 
I hope my husband just realises what he is doing, I hope this other woman is really something, and really worth it. He works away from home most of the time, she is in the same business, so will see him alot, but if it does not work between them. Then he will not find it easy. Like he has always said to me, I am unique, the amount of **** mens wives give them is ridiculous, I never use to. It will not be easy for him to find someone else to tolerate his kind of work, and the fact he needs to see his other kids. and in his line of work, even meeting woman will not be easy unless they work in the same line. So I hope he just realises what he is giving up. And that he is sure that the other lady is the one.
Again should I bring this up when he is home in a weeks time, or leave it....
He is 6 years my junior, so i do think me being his only love etc has played a part in this as well, we married when he was 18, yes cradle snatcher, I know. So does he now want to go and do what he did not do when he was young? Does he feel like he has missed out?
Questions is all I have, I wish I could stop. I want to switch my brain off for just half a day.
Thanks


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Yeah, mine is titled "Need advice and perspective" in this forum and I also have a thread in the women forum to get a woman's point of view.


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

Read yours, sad as well, Just like you we want to do things, in the friendliest possible way, no lawyers, nothing. Just between the 2 of us. I want to prevent it turning ugly.
Do you mind me asking HELP239 was it her choice to not be part of your family, and did she not like you being with them, hence the secret meetings.

I thought I wwas dealing with this quite well, but the yesterday and the start of today, I feel like I have gone to day 1. Emotionally I can not let him go, I can not forgive him for what he has done, and anger is the worse. I am so angry be betrayed me and emotionally connected with someone else before ending it with me, why did he allow himself to do that. He had the choice to stay away from OW, but he chose to meet up, as she is part of the social crowd he hangs with. 
How do I get rid of this anger towards them. he is home in a week, I need to sort myself out before he comes home, I do not want to discuss what ifs with him, I want us to beable to be in the same room, and go and do outings with kids, as kids have not been told yet. I have decided to wait till next year, because My oldest is starting school next year, we have just moved, think they need a bit of more time to seetle in new school etc.
Help me get rid of this anger please.
Nanook


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Yes, her choice. Although she imposes those restictions on me as well.

Anger? Go work out. Run, do sit ups, push ups, jumping jacks. Work that anger out of you. I did. It comes back, but not as strong as before. 

I just took a leap of faith and we spoke for about 2 hours. I told her where I was coming from and confided in her - no attorneys. She dropped a bomb on me that almost made me lose it but I held myself together. I pray to God she sees that my faith in us is unwaivering and that I can overcome her infidelity.


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

Feeling better today, took your advice, went for a run, went to beach with kids and dogs, and really just looked around, and suddenly something came over me, and I thought. No more Pity parties, it is me now, his loss.
I have also started guitar lessons, got myself a book and dvd, and doing that, and that takes up alot of concentration, so while doing that, not time to think.
Wrote down all my thoughts, anger, hurt, every emotion I felt on paper yesterday, and decided that was the last time I dwell on him, he does not deserve that, he is not going to know my emotions anymore, he is going to see happy me.
I had a good night sleep, feel good, went for a wrokout. 
Last 10 days, I have been obsessed in knowing if he has told me everything, what will that achieve. I have also been obsessed on seeing when he is online (messenger), so we can chat. I now sign out of messenger, and not interested, I was tempted a few times, But I think as small as it was, it was a big step for me.
Feeling good. It is me me me now.
I hope this feeling lasts.
take care everyone


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Awesome. I actually just committed to detaching tonight. Left for 4 hours and came back. Not going to talk about the divorce at all.

Glad you feel better.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Gonna do it again tonight and leave at 9p to go work out and maybe hang out with a friend from work. She is a good listener and I counseled her last year when she had issue with her own relationship. She just wants to return the favor now that her marriage is better for it. He will be there as well....fyi.

HANG IN THERE NANOOK!!!


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

Thanks HELP239, Just got in an issue with hubby, or ex, what do you actually call them now?
And he said something that hit me, but made me realise alot. he said " It is over, I am happy where I am now, with the decision I have made, I just want to look to the future, it is up to you what part I play in your life"
A small part of me wanted him to come home, and maybe reconcile. But for some strange reason, I do not want that now. 
And that is the honest truth, I am actually happy I feel like that now. 
We have decided to tell the kids together when he is home, my idea, so the kids can see that everything is okay, and they do not have to wonder their little heads off about things. We can do it on a camping trip.
Explain, has anyone, just suddenly realised, that quickly that IT IS OVER. and that you are actually fine.
If I have to be honest. I think I was angry at myself, for just being a mom and housewife, and I was more scared on being left alone in this big world, with nothing to show for myself. I liked my safety net of being married, and that has been taken away, and that scared me the most. But for some strange reason, I think I will be okay in this world.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Nanook said:


> Last 10 days, I have been obsessed in knowing if he has told me everything, what will that achieve. I have also been obsessed on seeing when he is online (messenger), so we can chat. I now sign out of messenger, and not interested, I was tempted a few times, But I think as small as it was, it was a big step for me.
> Feeling good. It is me me me now.
> I hope this feeling lasts.
> take care everyone


Small steps are steps none the less and while it may feel like a small thing in reality what you are doing by not going on is taking back some power. I used to go on my H's myspace ALL THE TIME. And for what? All I learned was that he is even more of a piece of **** who doesn't care about me or the kids, and I didn't need to go on there to know that. By not going on your moving your life forward bc you are then not constantly wondering who he is talking to while he is online...or when he is not online what he is doing...

Remember: small steps are still steps.


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

My husband is home in 3 days. First time I will see him since he dropped the bomb 2 weeks ago.
Honestly I do not want to try winning him back. But any advice on what to avoid etc so things are okay, and we do become friends like planned. Chatting on messenger and texting is one thing, but to actually see the person, and he is no longer yours. I have no idea how I will feel, what to talk about etc. I am a bit nervous to see him. The kids will be there when I pick him up, so at least we will not be alone or anything. 
We do have a few things to discuss, actually alot. Want everything clear, like what happens with the kids, financial, the OW, want to know when he plans on bringing OW here, so I can tell kids what to expect etc.
He needs to take over all his affairs, that I always did. simple things like card on birthdays, he needs to send from him now.
Planning on giving him a kids calander with all dates etc, so he can make sure he phones for the smallest things, like first day of school etc.
Am I missing anything that needs to be discussed to avoid future arguments.
I read how people are dealing with problems, when their partner is still around, To deal with this when he is not here is fine, just hope my anger does not come back when I suddenly see him. I have to control that. No doubt I will see him on phone with OW etc, just need to count to ten and walk away, and come to this site.
Only time will tell how it all pans out.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Best of luck. Will be praying for you.


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

Thanks.
I just read on HEL239 site, you told your friend.
Which got me thinking, How do people tell family. I dont want to get in big discussions with people.
Is it rude just to say, we are separating because ???????? I am lost, I can not say ,we both decided this was best for us, gave my line to my dad, and I can see he knows it is Husbands decision, because why would I say yes to separation just after we moved to a new place for a better life, I gain nothing from telling him to go, and people will know that.
I dont want to say I pushed my husband into OW arms. So what can I say to family that they dont think I am being too vague, and sound believable?
Can I say this is what X wants, and I respect his decision. Because that is the truth, and it is not too personal, just bare minimum that people need to know.
Thanks


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I would just say the truth or whatever part of the truth you are comfortable with. For me it was understanding that they would like to be there for you and therefore should know the basics. I was general in my description but very clear on where each party stood.


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

My husband just called to speak to the kids.
We chatted for about 20 minutes, and it was good. I did not feel hurt, angry or anything at him. It felt good. I am happy with where I am now, and I hope it stays like this.
He did say, if anything horrible arises between us while he is here, he will go stay in a hotel, because it will not be good for the kids, which is fair enough.
He respects who I tell, and how I tell people, and when. 
He asked how I was? which is what he has not asked since all this started, he said whatever happens chin up.
It was generally a good conversation. 
I feel we are the way we always were, except not the burden of our problems. We have always been good friends, even before we got together. Marriage just did not suit us, we both became people we did not want to be. 
I am feeling good about him coming home, we can be friends again, which is something we have not been for ages now.


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

I feel sad and lonely today. Spoke to my husband again all was fine. But I have felt empty inside all day. I think because it is only 2 days till he is home, and usually I am all excited, but this time I know he is here just for the kids, and I am no longer a factor when he is home. This will also be the last time I play a part with his time off, family outings etc. Next time he is home, the kids are his, and I will be the outsider, he might also bring OW next time he is home.

So alot changes after he leaves this time.
I feel empty inside.


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