# doubting myself, and all that today



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

It really sux how this cycle keeps repeating. Going from the terror of finding out the most important thing in your life is not safe, is not secure, or protected from the emotional and physical hell that is a cheating spouse. The one you trusted so highly above all others, the one you gladly placed the life of your child in their hands, because of that level of trust, who could suddenly become what they did, and destroy it all.
I'm at "that" place today. Im fighting to maintain and dammit I havent the energy. I cant fking stand the thought of how utterly wrong shes done me, and our daughter, and continues to do us, all the while living carefree and thoughtlessly.

Of course you cant make sense of the nonsense, you cant think rationally from the irrational. But it certainly drains a person of their faith in just about everything trying to overcome this.

Now, it is as if I were placed in a small canoe and shoved off the shore, to drift. Here's your reward! for being the faithful spouse, for being the stronger point of stability and wisdom, for all your efforts and all your years, for all the love you gave away with nothing equitable in return, you get, to not only be dismissed from your marriage, but watch another man step in, and become that which youve set the groundwork for, that which youve earned with sweat and blood and tears and years of suffering gladly, thinking it was all worth it.
Someone might as well have come and basically burnt my house down, and built their own on top of it. 
Will my daughter come to love the man my wife cheated and destroyed our family with? And will "I" just be remembered as the part time dad that left her?? 
OH, but all the current psychological wellness consensus dare you never attempt to involve your child in the truth, such that i might hinder their relationship with their cheating, family destroying mother. 
And you cant even fight for it. Having been raised to fight for what you want, and to be wary of those who cheat others, it was all just given away right out from under me. 
There is no real "value" placed on a family, such that someone who were to either steal it away or were to willingly cause its demise could be held accountable for it. Yet a cheap radio once stolen can involve prosecution in court, heavy fines, jail time.

How little value they obviously place on it, to randomly give it away to some other man, to just usher him in with gleaming toothy smile, saying welcome honey, this is your new family.
Now you get to see "our" child run down the steps on Christmas to open presents, now you get to enjoy her tender little arms wrapped around your neck. This I give you, through the most honorable of means... And my labor, and my soul, and my entire life, is reduced to a thing that I find I must suddenly try to force out of my thoughts, and out of my mind, and keep on-keeping on.... It is a sentence to a living death. 
And I understand, the men who placed the very value of their own lives and the worth of their breath, into their families, who cannot allow this to happen, or who cannot bare to live with it. 
I understand, now.

I cannot bare to try to look at things through my daughters eyes. She is nine years old.
If it were me in her shoes attempting to make sense out of all of this going on. How horrible, how unbelievably horrible. It was "I" whom she relied upon, not her facebook 24/7, cellphone glued to the face, inconsequential mother. It was "I" whom she came to for hugs knowing it would ALWAYS be given, as opposed to being told to wait because her mom was too busy fking around with some other man on the phone. Smiling into it, as he promised her her youth again.

And theres nothing that "I" being my child's superman can do. I am to hang a sign around my neck saying "I Left You", no matter what the circumstances were, and theres nothing I can do about it. I will be in her eyes guilty of the one thing I swore by the blood flowing through my veins would never happen for as long as I lived, must go away from her. The gravity is much too much for me to bare. 

How diminishing that must be in the eyes of a child to see the one parent that gave them love, and affection, and attention that was so lacking in the other, to see them walk away, and be powerless to change that. She thinks of me as able to do it all, and will not understand why I cannot, this time. 

Meanwhile, my exwife and her mother pick through catalogues of furniture and make plans for decorating the house, and proceed with their happy-life-plans.. Thank god, they must be thinking, that the old-shoe is gone. They laugh and giggle and it would appear that I must have been a real burden on them, to see them so elated, to see them so relieved at my departure.
And obviously, the concern over our childs loss, is no where to be found, much less considered, much less there being any capacity to think on those terms.

One of my ex-wife's friends, who knowing my wife was becoming involved with another man, encouraged her to go meet him in a bar, to "see if anything was there", posted on FB last night, " I am so glad to have my hubby in my life, Thank you so much dear"...
after having encouraged the destruction of my family, being so close to my wife, being there in our wedding, having children the same age growing up together for the last ten years.
God what is this world coming to? 
Must it be filled with such things??? Must I endure the cackle of my exwife's hope in her life, of which I have been granted none at all? 
When my wife at the time, ran upstairs in secret, after one of our arguments regarding how much money she would get from me after divorce, and told my daughter that this divorce was something "we" wanted, including "me" in the whole purpose of what was going to effect her little life so badly, I reached a point in my mind of near-insanity. There was very little keeping me from taking her throat in my hands, except for the fact that it would remove all access to my child, and keep me from moving in a positive direction towards getting a house, and providing a place for when my daughter does come and stay with me for my periods of custody. I couldnt give that up too.

How much more do they get to take away, Lord? How much more of what I value so deeply can I stand to lose? I could care less about my exwife now, she is no friend of mine, she is the antithesis of friendship to me, and yet I am expected to smile, and promote a healthy relationship between them??? 
Just as healthy as she will be promoting between her new man and my daughter?

I am on the very low swing of the cycle today. I feel hopeless, and powerless, and so viciously betrayed by so many.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Shoo:
The grieving process is very, very difficult. I think you know a little of my story. My ex did not hide his affair from me, spoke on cell in front of me and deliberately hurt me in every way he could think of. Why? Who knows? I certainly didn't deserve it, trust me. But he did.

Your daughter will continue to love you in spite of this new person in your ex's life. Who knows if that will even last? You are her daddy and nothing, nothing will change that nor will she love you differently or any less.

Anger is perfectly natural. I have only gotten angry recently, before it was grieving and sadness. Now I am pissed and for the same reason: betrayal, having to start a new life, new career alone after I thought and believed this was it for me. Well, it wasn't.

Go through the process, dump your anger and dismay and sadness. This will all pass and you will settle into a comfortable routine with your daughter. When you are ready to move on, you will but it takes time.

I thought I was almost through and I was clicking my heels but this last 5 or 6 days have brought anger. It's a process and one I would rather do without but I am positive I will grow as you will from all of this.

I am sure there are still a lot of good people out there for both of us, for all of us. 

Time.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> How much more do they get to take away, Lord? How much more of what I value so deeply can I stand to lose? I could care less about my exwife now, she is no friend of mine, she is the antithesis of friendship to me, and yet I am expected to smile, and promote a healthy relationship between them???
> Just as healthy as she will be promoting between her new man and my daughter?
> 
> I am on the very low swing of the cycle today. I feel hopeless, and powerless, and so viciously betrayed by so many.
> Maybe tomorrow will be better.


I was not so nice. I believed my kids had a right to know that mom had _*fallen in love with someone else*_ and it was so damned important to her that she would break their hearts too. 
It was not something "we" did. It is not something "we" chose to do. It was all her choice and it has disastrous consequences for all concerned

Ironically this is the thing she is most annoyed about. he is too. My kids are a bit older but do you think that your daughter does not see the pain in your eyes? Do you think she does not see the insanity?. Your wife just walks away.. **** that. You make a decision and you wear the consequences.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Shoo, you will always be that little girl's Dad. No one, not your ex, not her BF, no one can take that from you.
If you continue to be the best Dad that you can, you will always have a little girl who loves you.

Keep your chin up and your head high. You did nothing wrong.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

DANF.
Your signature cracked me up.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_When my wife at the time, ran upstairs in secret, after one of our arguments regarding how much money she would get from me after divorce, and told my daughter that this divorce was something "we" wanted, including "me" in the whole purpose of what was going to effect her little life so badly,_

Don't own this for your wife. Be honest with your children. Tell them that you did not want the divorce if it's brought up again. Tell them she decided this and she has a boyfriend. Don't demonize her, just be honest. They have a right to know the truth.

Re: your ex wife's friends--stop looking at their Facebook pages. You will never move on as long as you keep looking up what she/they are doing/saying. 

When do you move?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I think i jinxed it all by sharing the happy news that I finally found a house I liked about a month ago, then it was the big leak, and it was maybe the seller will fix it, maybe not, then "yes" they will, then "will you accept credit in lieu of repairs", and now its back to them fixing it at their cost. Its a foreclosure that I am buying from a bank, and none of that was originally listed in the area realtor's website listings. I am afraid to get excited about it again, lest the hope be dashed again tomorrow with some other b.s. 
As of yesterday, the bank is willing to make the repairs again, just asking for a letter from my lender requesting the repairs be made, and maybe "that" will finally be sufficient to get their contractors in there to do the work?? 
So I am not sure when I will be able to move. They have to make the repairs, and then another inspection im sure, and hopefully I can establish a closing date.
Still hoping it is as soon as possible...........


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Believe me, children are very smart. I never wanted to share the heartache my ex-husband put me through with our son. I couldn’t bring myself to break my sons little heart and destroy the hero his father still was in his own eyes. I chose to suck it all up and left vengeance in the hands of my attorney.

There were many days I struggled with how it appeared that what my ex-husband did was ok with everyone, even more so as he and her began to plan their new life together. It was so hard to bite my tongue as my son would share the news of his father’s wedding which came very shortly after our divorce was final. 

The irony is, facts began unfolding on their own in my son’s brain. At 9 yrs old he started asking questions which seemed somewhat simplistic, however the answers were helping him to paint his own pictures of what happened. “How did you meet Mr. X (the only man my son has met whom I dated post-divorce and we are still friends)?” “How long have we known Mr. X?” Then later followed by a question of, “Do you know Dad and Mrs. X met at ......?” “Dad and Mrs. X have known each other # yrs.” Another day or so later the question of, “Mom when did Dad move out?”

You see, the wheels are turning in their little heads. If children are capable of being taught Algebra and Geometry in 4th and 5th grades, they are more than capable of figuring out why their parents are no longer married.

Your daughter will respect you for not unveiling the negatives about her mother until she is ready and wants to know. After all, that is her mother. There is no reason to pass the burden of our own hurt and resentment for the other parent into the young little hearts of children There will come a time when they question everything we did as parents all on their own. I think that time is called Adolescence. LOL!!!!

I’m not going to lie that the feeling you got gypped by “Happily Forever After” magically disappears when your divorce is final. It lingers on and off. Especially if you were the spouse who worked so hard to make things work and continued to eat your fair share of sh*t sandwiches the other served up to you. You find yourself putting up with some pretty demeaning stuff when you want to save your marriage. It’s not that you are looking to be the martyr when all is said and done either. You will often find yourself asking, why does he/she get to be happy and I don’t? Sometimes that question is not even about your ex-spouse. It could possibly be about other couples who struggled in their marriages where they "both" worked hard and were able to turn it around.

Friends will tell you how much better off you are. How you’re such a nice, beautiful/handsome, thoughtful, honest person and you deserve someone better. Even if that's true, it is difficult to put yourself out there again. Add having a child to all that and you must be even more selective of whom you let into your life. There are many of us who did not willing choose this life of divorce. Oh ya, sure we signed those divorce papers. However I do recall how terribly my hand was shaking when I signed the initial set of separation/divorce papers. Wasn’t even certain I would be able to hold on to the pen in my hand.

Moving out from under the same roof as your ex-spouse will help your healing process a lot. I cannot imagine how crazy I would have gone if I had to continue residing with my ex. E.g., I will proudly state that I am a good driver. I can drive most vehicles, regardless of standard transmission, 4WD etc… I can pull a trailer whether it contains horses, motorcycles, travel trailer or boat. Yes, I can back them up as well. However, when D-day came, I was so numb that when I backed up my Super Crew Cab 4x4 out of the garage and started down the driveway ….. CRUNCH …. Right into the ex’s car which I hadn’t even noticed was parked somewhat behind my truck. Ooopsie!!! Swear it was a complete accident. Guess he figured he’d better move out before it was him I was running over instead of his car.


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