# pregnant and abandoned. plz help!



## angelgal (Jul 25, 2011)

I have been a homemaker for the last five years with my husband as the sole bread-winner. I'm 9 weeks pregnant and have a four year son both by my husband. I ended up in the hospital for just about a month from April to late may, and when I got home he couldn’t get enough of me romantically!

About 3 weeks ago or so I discovered his PA through phone records I NEVER check. I had a dream about this the night before I found out, and must have been picking up on it, but I was shocked! I looked her up on his facebook at the same time as I was checking the phone records, and thought I MUST be wrong! She isn't exactly someone I had considered a threat...about almost 20 yrs older, and some months ago he had described her as an adoring older aunt(?). Kinky!

He admitted to an affair within 5 minutes of confrontation and told me that it became physical a week after I went into the hospital! He has been sleeping with her about 4-5 months now. He had been sleeping with me the whole time too. I was very outwardly calm through that first discovery process.

The day I found out, he told me he was done with the marriage. Ouch. Told "loves me but is not sure if he is in love" and has been unhappy for the last year or so. He was REALLY cold the night I found out, and outright angry and cruel the next day. i feel like he has re-written so much of our history. I just wasn't in the same marriage he's describing. He has yet to show any REAL remorse. I spoke to this 'woman' right after I found out and was very level headed and did not lash out. She said she was ashamed of herself and would not now, or in the future, be with him again. Yeah right. She seemed shocked that he was not truthful with HER (not telling her about the pregnancy, assuming we weren't having sex, and implying that I wanted out)!

I've made some typical mistakes, especially the first day or so. Initially I told him how much we need him, tried to reason with him telling him children are much better off in two parent households among other things, and told him that what he was doing was morally outrageous. I asked him to please understand how this affected me and our unborn child, how much we would need him during the pregnancy and in the months after, and that he meant everything to me and I would do ANYTHING to make things better. I could go on and on. Yuck again!

I have been following my own instinct for self protection, as well as picking up and implementing advice I've gotten online and elsewhere. For example agreeing with everything he says no matter how outrageous (takes the wind out of his sails, and keeps me safer from his anger!), speaking softly and kindly, being as nonchalant as possible (this one is hard sometimes), acting happy (and genuinely BEING happy more than I would have thought), spending time with positive friends, not asking/begging him to stay, not trying to reason with him, not using my son and unborn child against him, making sure I look, smell good, and feel good.

I’m genuinely doing everything I can to move on! His behavior has changed a bit, and his heart seems to be softening AT TIMES. The other night he told me that he really does love and care for me, and this was NOT an easy decision. He told me he is happy, but really sad too. He said that part of the reason he has to leave me is that he wasn’t able to appreciate all the wonderful things about me as I deserved, but now he could again. I just listened sweetly. Contrast that with the last few days of him taking out his anger on me SO coldly.

None-the-less, he left us a couple weeks ago and has been staying with the OW. Since he has left I have had a harder time being distant and light-hearted with him. I am so angry that he isn't being with our son as much as possible! He even took my car a week ago and refuses to give it back so I can get to ob appointment, etc. There have been a couple days where I haven't been able to hold my tongue, and of course, all I get is defensive anger and insults in return. The OW has even begun to get involved when we disagree, and started texting me REALLY inappropriate things. Cruel things. I got caught up and was a little snarky in return, but was NOT as MEAN! Communicating with her is a mistake that I WILL NOT repeat. She should be SOOO proud to have gotten a rise out of the pregnant and hormonal wife! My goodness. Although I DO have good days, my heart is broken for my sweet children and myself!

I love my husband so much and a sneaky part of me really wants to be with him, at the very least for our children. I at LEAST want the option to choose! It feels horrible to find myself pregnant and alone. I don't know this man who cares not a whit about our feelings! 

I have fallen “in” and “out” of love during our five year marriage but believe that love isn’t only a feeling. It is action and commitment as well! If you have any help to offer or specific instructions or tips regarding things that have worked for you or even encouraging words, I would be SO grateful!

I feel I have already grown SO MUCH in the last few weeks, but sometimes it's overwhelmingly hard to be the reasonable, bigger person. Especially being PREGNANT! Help!

Whew! I supposed I could have condensed that...

p.s. I have an IC, support groups, and a lawyer. I am filing next week...


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I am so terribly sorry he has done this to you.

The fact that he's not showing remorse is awful.

Consider even if he wanted to come back, how could you really forgive his behaviour towards you and your child? Is he the man you thought he was? could you ever really trust him again, knowing what cruelness and coldness he is capable of?

I wish you all the best.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Wow, he cheated on you while you were in the hospital and pregnant.

The trust is gone and you need to get divorced and lessen his hold on you completely as soon as possible.

At some point you may reconcile your marriage but I suggest you stand on your own two feet and keep him at arms length as much as possible. You are angry and deserve to be. He has wronged you. He also seems to be playing games, and wanting to have his cake and eat it too. 

Best of luck, you are in a terrible situation and need some strong friends and family to lean on. Be sure to not make decisions based on hormones!


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## BleepingFamily (Jul 30, 2011)

Get rid of this looser. Hes going tho make your life miserable.
Do you have any family around that might help?

Good Luck

Mike


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

You need to protect yourself financially. Get the attorney to make arrangements.
Whos name is the title of the car in? If yours take the car back, ask police for assistance. Make sure you have the title with your name on it. If car title is in his name, then the car is his.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

So sorry your going through this..it is totally outrageous what he did/is doing...you sound like a very sweet and good person,..but dont be worried about being so nice, you wrote how you werent as mean as she was...she is not anywhere on the level you are..you sound like a class act all the way around and she, well...she's not

I read about something called 'sudden wife abandonment syndrome'-- it sounds very much like your husband- google it and you will see a website with information and other help..when you said he shows no remorse, thats one of hte symptoms, also you said he is rewriting history of your relationship. It also describes 'gaslighting' where the husband will come up with some off the wall excuse for why he must leave you, in order to distract you away from the truth..it might be helpful for you to read about it and get some support


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## JenNoah419 (Jan 31, 2012)

I'm going through almost the same thing. However in my case, the other woman is his mother. She has convinced him that not being with me is the best thing. She is also trying to convince him that adoption is best for our baby since we are young. We are both adults, and have been together for a year and a half, and I'm 28 weeks pregnant. We were having some problems caused by financial stress before all of this, but they have literally cut him off from the world like he is a teenager again, and I'm the girlfriend he is not allowed to talk to. I have not heard from him, and have only received a nasty message from his grandmother about how I am abusive for pushing him to get a job. He is lazy like the rest of his family, and we have a baby on the way. Plus, I'm extremely hormonal, so YEAH I pushed him. Maybe I wasn't always as nice as I could have been, and I've apologized for what I truly feel I did wrong, but because we are so close to having this baby, he can't not talk to me. I'm already going to have to file for child support, but should I get my attorney to handle this? I'm not going to discuss this with his family because he isn't a big enough man to tell them to shove it. This baby and I are or at least we were his family. I'm really starting to hate men.


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

,


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

You deserve so much more i cant believe he would do something like that. I dont know your husband but reading that i really hope he gets whats coming to him. Be strong its a difficult time at the moment but you have a son and another child on the way that need you to be strong and brave. None of this is your fault so dont blame yourself for anything he had his chance and he blew it. I would advise you to show the evidence to your lawyer and make sure he pays for his children. If he doesnt spend time with his son then you need to point that out to your lawyer and see what your options are. Sorry you are going through this but this site offers alot of support so when you feel down and want to vent remember this site. Good luck


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

JenNoah419 said:


> I'm going through almost the same thing. However in my case, the other woman is his mother. She has convinced him that not being with me is the best thing. She is also trying to convince him that adoption is best for our baby since we are young. We are both adults, and have been together for a year and a half, and I'm 28 weeks pregnant. We were having some problems caused by financial stress before all of this, but they have literally cut him off from the world like he is a teenager again, and I'm the girlfriend he is not allowed to talk to. I have not heard from him, and have only received a nasty message from his grandmother about how I am abusive for pushing him to get a job. He is lazy like the rest of his family, and we have a baby on the way. Plus, I'm extremely hormonal, so YEAH I pushed him. Maybe I wasn't always as nice as I could have been, and I've apologized for what I truly feel I did wrong, but because we are so close to having this baby, he can't not talk to me. I'm already going to have to file for child support, but should I get my attorney to handle this? I'm not going to discuss this with his family because he isn't a big enough man to tell them to shove it. This baby and I are or at least we were his family. I'm really starting to hate men.


If his a mummys boy then maybe you are better off without he needs to take some resposibility. When he knew that he was going to be a dad then he should have looked for work. As for his mother seems like a childish person people be excited to have a grandchild some even get denied access she sounds like the mother from hell good job your not married to him. Same advice goes to you be strong and brave look after yourself and your child when he grows a pair he will come knocking at your door. Good luck anyway


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