# Does 'Revenge Cheating' Work? (a 2008 article)



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Here is an article on a much discussed topic on these boards:

Does 'Revenge Cheating' Work?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

And a great article on revenge from the now famous Chumplady!

How to Get Revenge on a Cheater

She needs a TV show..can't we cancel the View and give her their spot?!!!!


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Nope. It doesn't. It just offers you a brief satisfaction.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Hortensia said:


> Nope. It doesn't. It just offers you a brief satisfaction.


I really like the second article..did you read that one as well?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Nope. It doesn't. It just offers you a brief satisfaction.


Not even brief satisfaction. I hurt my wife and actually my stupid revenge affair hurt me more than my wife's affair hurt me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Not even brief satisfaction. I hurt my wife and actually my stupid revenge affair hurt me more than my wife's affair hurt me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How did it hurt you more?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

If you value your integrity you will feel you have betrayed yourself lowering your standards. It's in the though, confusing times when it's tested the most.
Getting even, restoring the balance, blantant punishment/revenge, building back your self steem, feeling unloved or rejected, __ insert here ANY "reason" to cheat... all of them are excuses, no different from the usual ones the original cheater pulls to justifie themselves.
The betrayed face the same choices as any cheater always had: 1) deal with the marriage (including the cheating), b) divorce and c) cheat. No differents from what the original wayward faced.
Everyone is accountable in front of the mirror, against our own conscience and beliefs. We can decide to sh!t on them too and it's what it is.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

The first article made some interesting points but the second one was really well done in my opinion.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

2 wrongs don't make a right..


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I've thought about it; had a pretty good opportunity this time last year with a wonderful woman.

My (now ex) wife's cheating didn't change my morals, though, so why would I?

I can hurt her really easily without having an affair and, if I started a relationship with someone I would want it to have the possibility of going further and be built on honesty.

I just can't see what the point would be of a revenge affair - you end up with 3 people hurt instead of 1.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Some folks that I have talked with that have done it have had a sense of equaling that hurt. Typically though, I have seen the majority of folks that have done it (and in my experience it was not many) feel worse at having done it. Afterward I have heard phrases such as, I can't believe I lowered myself to his/her level and I feel worse at doing so. 

Though I would never recommend a revenge A, I do understand why. I came close in that I went out looking. I have gone out looking a few times, then went home. I still feel dirty for even going out looking.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Some folks that I have talked with that have done it have had a sense of equaling that hurt.


But people cheat many times with this exact mindset. They do it in order to equaling any kind of hurts (choose your poison), they do it on their/our backs, in a passive aggressive way so they still have the control of the outcome (unless it's a blatant exit affair).


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> I've thought about it; had a pretty good opportunity this time last year with a wonderful woman.
> 
> My (now ex) wife's cheating didn't change my morals, though, so why would I?
> *
> ...


Good point....revenge does not have to equal sex


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Some folks that I have talked with that have done it have had a sense of equaling that hurt. Typically though, I have seen the majority of folks that have done it (and in my experience it was not many) feel worse at having done it. Afterward I have heard phrases such as, I can't believe I lowered myself to his/her level and I feel worse at doing so.
> 
> Though I would never recommend a revenge A, I do understand why. I came close in that I went out looking. I have gone out looking a few times, then went home. I still feel dirty for even going out looking.


Do you think the ability to have an RA is personality driven??


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Not even brief satisfaction. I hurt my wife and actually my stupid revenge affair hurt me more than my wife's affair hurt me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hear ya. But after reading a lot of your stuff MM, I have to ask - do you really think you had a true revenge affair? I mean, you hit on a girl and tried to set things up but it never really materialized so you didn't "go through with it". 

I've wondered over the past year if you say you had a revenge affair more to forgive your wife and to lay blame at your feet.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Here is an article on a much discussed topic on these boards:
> 
> Does 'Revenge Cheating' Work?


I don't care what the article states- 2 wrongs never make a right.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I don't care what the article states- 2 wrongs never make a right.


I hear you but I do think some people get satisfaction from a RA - I'm not saying it's right.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I understand the point of the revenge affair. 
But I do feel it causes more problems than it fixes.

It is a way of hurting someone who hurt you. It allows you to say "You hurt me in a way I can't describe. So instead, I am going to hurt you back in the exact same way, and let you experience it first hand."
And it may help you feel more satisfied. Like knowing that you are still valued and wanted by members of the opposite sex just like your WS. 
And perhaps if your WS is deep in the fog, maybe a revenge affair will wake them up, and show them that you are not above using their own dirty tactics against them. 

But there are too many complications and other costs that come along with it. 
You no longer hold any moral high ground in anyone's eyes. I could've cheated on my XWW, but I didn't. I seriously considered it, but I didn't. And it gives me some satisfaction to know that I didn't cheat on her, even when she couldn't do the same for me. 
Plus, what about the person you are having the revenge affair with? They may fall in love with you, and want you. Or maybe they want to stick it to your WS for some reason. Or would you even tell them what and why you are doing this?
And what about you? What happens if your WS was sorry from the get-go, and you fall in love with your AP? 
Or what if your WS tries to up the ante? Having multiple AP's, or doing in the marital home, or other horrible things. Or even try to clean you out while you aren't home, or get you arrested. It can end horribly. 
And you may fall into your own fog. 
And what happens when you do hurt your WS? Will it make you feel superior? Will it make you feel like you had the last laugh? Or will it hurt when you see the pain in their eyes? Knowing you caused that pain. Or will you be so removed from the pain, that you don't care. 
And how will it look to your kids? If they see mommy and daddy doing this?

The problems that come with a revenge affair turn a bad situation into a worse situation. 

I can understand why you would want to have one. I can't ever fault someone for having one. 
But I would advise against it. 
It's like fighting fire with fire. And even if you put one fire out, you got a second one to deal with.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I hear you but I do think some people get satisfaction from a RA - I'm not saying it's right.


I come back to original answer.

What satisfaction can one get from betraying?

But I do see your point.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Juicer said:


> I understand the point of the revenge affair.
> But I do feel it causes more problems than it fixes.
> 
> It is a way of hurting someone who hurt you. It allows you to say "You hurt me in a way I can't describe. So instead, I am going to hurt you back in the exact same way, and let you experience it first hand."
> ...


Agreed on the point in bold...I know someone who did and it did not help him heal....but I didn't fault him for doing it...


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I can fault someone for having one. It tells me they have no dignity and just as bad as their spouse.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I can fault someone for having one. It tells me they have no dignity and just as bad as their spouse.


Out of curiosity, have you ever been cheated on?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I can fault someone for having one. It tells me they have no dignity and just as bad as their spouse.


I have to disagree there..its not a wise course of action but I don't judge them for it.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Out of curiosity, have you ever been cheated on?


How'd you guess? :scratchhead:


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Truthseeker,

I believe that living without regret for an RA is ENTIRELY a personality driven thing.

Some people should never do it. Their own guilt will destroy them or make them feel worse. I think MattMatt is a great example of this. It would never work for him or be a good idea.

But other people are decidedly different. When unjustly injured, their response is to pay a person back in kind. If they don't, they can actually feel worse about themselves for accepting such crappy actions towards themselves. They feel weaker for not fighting back.

I don't think either type of person is morally right or wrong. The only correct action is one that is true to who a person is.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> Truthseeker,
> 
> I believe that living without regret for an RA is ENTIRELY a personality driven thing.
> 
> ...


Agree 100%! This quote from the article jumped out at me:

_"I think that the advantage — if you could put it this way — of retaliatory infidelity is that it has the potential to help the initially unfaithful person gain some empathy for the pain created by the sense of betrayal, and helps put some perspective on what might be lost otherwise," said Dave Greenfield, assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of Connecticut School of Medicine. _

I can understand why a WS would be fearful of this perspective (they don;'t want the mind movies, the feeling of inadequacy, etc) but it does make sense to me. I know someone who had a RA and he did it to strike back and was not guilty about it at all. Did it help him heal? I don't think anything will heal a person completely after infidelity- but did it help him move forward - yeah for him it did. I know this is not a popular opinion.....


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Dyokemm said:


> Truthseeker,
> 
> I believe that living without regret for an RA is ENTIRELY a personality driven thing.
> 
> ...


I for one do see it as morally wrong but I do understand why some choose to have an RA. During the aftermath of discovery folks typically are not in a good state and in that state of mind normal responces go out the door. It is like the person who while drinking does things that they would not perhaps even consider doing had they had no alcohol affecting their mental abilities and normal restraints. I read an article on another thread where a religiously oriented man had a RA. He stated that it soothed him but he states that he wished he had not done it. He said his M is good now but he said had he not done it he thinks his M would be great and that he traded good for great. His view in having a RA is just that his view, but it is another example of where some folks react while in pain and don't consider the consequences.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Do you think the ability to have an RA is personality driven??


I do believe it can be but I believe even more strongly that it is a reaction during a time of weakness and hurt. How many folks who are the BS have a RA a year or two or more out if they are in a good R? I suspect not many due to the fact that they are in R and are feeling stronger and more secure in their M (if it is a true R and not a false one). IMO


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I do believe it can be but I believe even more strongly that it is a reaction during a time of weakness and hurt. How many folks who are the BS have a RA a year or two or more out if they are in a good R? I suspect not many due to the fact that they are in R and are feeling stronger and more secure in their M (if it is a true R and not a false one). IMO


Good points but I agree with Dyokemm there are a lot of people who do it because they will feel worse for not striking back.I do not morally judge those who have a RA at all. I understand why they did it.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Random thoughts...

Dunno if the 'revenge' makes people feel better exactly... People cheat because they want to, perhaps 'revenge' is a built in pass, or 'self defense alibi'... innocent by means of justifiable cheaticide. lol. The guilt associated with the action of cheating is easier to rationalize and justify therefore why not?

Let's be honest... Getting 'strange' is awesome. Attention, affection and the affirmation from a stranger you find attractive is smoking hot and very exciting. The only two things that keep people from doing it are 1. Guilt & 2. Consequences. Remove both of them... and yeah I'd feel better about cheating too... but really the cheating is what felt great, the "better" is really more like they don't fell bad about doing it.

Maybe it's like... All you can eat Prime Rib, Lobster, Cheesecake and Beer for one day.. FREE today only!!! NO calories, NO fat, NO guilt. PLUS as an added bonus, the person who keyed your car has to pay for it!!!! WOOT WOOT!!! Yaaaa!!! LMAO.

:-D


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Here's a question, based off of this idea:

What if a WS encourages their BS to cheat? I have a friend currently whose wife cheated on him, and has actually told him that she wishes he would cheat on her because she'd deserve it. What is the general consensus on this?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Very convenient, she wouldn't had to deal with it anymore right? All got leveled. No high horses. No more discussions. No more guilt, need to face his hurt.

The easy path, ONCE AGAIN.

To me it's no more than waywards thinking process si full force at work.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> Here's a question, based off of this idea:
> 
> What if a WS encourages their BS to cheat? I have a friend currently whose wife cheated on him, and has actually told him that she wishes he would cheat on her because she'd deserve it. What is the general consensus on this?


Hmmm...if his cheating is the proceeded by rug sweeping the whole affair then no way. It needs to be dealt with since the emotional impact will not go away. It sounds like she wants him to cheat so she can avoid any consequences for her actions. Once again she is acting out of selfishness. :nono:

How long was her affair? What was her reasons for cheating?


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I don't know the full story - they're both active duty, he was sent back to the States for medical treatment, and found out after the fact that she had fallen with another man. I believe it was only a couple months? She claimed loneliness since she was still overseas and he was gone. 

But the story is familiar enough I figured it might fit most BS/WS stories here. My opinion matches yours, Acabado - if he cheats on her, it absolves her of guilt, it makes it so "you can't be mad at me". It's the easy way out.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> I don't know the full story - they're both active duty, he was sent back to the States for medical treatment, and found out after the fact that she had fallen with another man. I believe it was only a couple months? She claimed loneliness since she was still overseas and he was gone.
> 
> But the story is familiar enough I figured it might fit most BS/WS stories here. My opinion matches yours, Acabado - if he cheats on her, it absolves her of guilt, it makes it so "you can't be mad at me". It's the easy way out.


She sounds selfish and unremorseful to be honest. She's not worried about him healing just her getting away with it....which is what most WS want anyway - to get away with it.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Thorburn,

I can accept that you personally believe revenge is morally wrong. Most of my family would undoubtedly agree with you as they are very religious.

While I was still religious, I would have agreed too. But when I had my mental awakening (I guess this is the term I would use) and gave up my religious faith after logically thinking through my beliefs, it had a profound effect on how I saw morality in the world.

I came to realize that things I had believed to be immoral were really a matter of a difference of personality or view.

Even before losing my faith, I always had a vengeful streak, and I felt extremely guilty for being that way. But I don't feel that way anymore. I don't see getting payback as morally wrong anymore.

The prohibitions against revenge that I was raised with are entirely a creation of religious faith. When I no longer believed in what I had decided was a myth, the moral code attached to those beliefs went as well. I retained only those moral beliefs that made sense to me from the perspective of living in a decent human community and respecting others natural rights.

Things like don't cheat, steal, injure, insult, or lie to fellow community members I retained because they truly are necessary for any social unit to survive.

Things like the immorality of premarital sex I gave up as having no rational basis. 

The sinfulness and immorality of revenge is one of those things I abandoned. The desire for revenge is natural and instinctual. There is nothing wrong with it in any sense.

I still think the only right or wrong to it at all lies in the personality of the person injured. Some people would hurt themselves even more if they took revenge. Their own sense of guilt would eat them up.

Others, such as myself, can pay back those that injure us for no cause or reason and then go sleep like a baby. I have absolutely no remorse for striking back at those who injure me when I have done nothing to them.

If that makes me immoral in some people's eyes, such as my family members, so be it.

I can live with that too.

But one thing I could never forgive myself for would be laying there like a doormat taking other people's crappy actions. 

In the end, I have to be true to myself.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> Thorburn,
> 
> I can accept that you personally believe revenge is morally wrong. Most of my family would undoubtedly agree with you as they are very religious.
> 
> ...


Ultimately it boils down to personality Just like the WS can cheat on you and still love you - the BS can seek revenge but still love their WS. For some people some sort of revenge helps them to move forward. In addition is does not have to be a revenge affair but something to make the WS aware of the gravity of what they have done.


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