# Partner's lack of openness for kink/fetish ideas



## whobbb (Oct 30, 2017)

Hey all, we are in our mid 30s been married for 7 and "together" for 17. We have a great marriage in general but when it comes to the bedroom we seem to differ greatly. Half of our time together was somewhat of a LDR, and while I've been with 5 others, she has only been with 1 other. 

I am just a more sexually inquisitive person and have grown over the years by exploring and trying new things (solo) and it just seems that my lovely wife, is not really on the same page. She can most recently be quoted as saying "she is more than satisfied with our sexual arrangement"... Yes, while the sex is good and everyone gets to orgasm, our sex is what might be regarded as "vanilla" (as much as I don't want to stigmatize it with that word).

We have 2 young children and so that is always a challenge and had family staying with us for a long while, so these are things that obviously hamper spontaneity and sexy moods... but even when we were younger and childless and had a place all to ourselves, sex wasn't a priority and neither was experimentation. I am including myself in this bucket as I was less adventurous and did not do my part in asserting thoughts on a robust sexual menagerie .

But as years have gone on, sexual frequency is down and it is something that i seemingly think about more than she does. As she was most recently quotes that "she isn't a mind reader and can be forgetful and absent minded" (when it comes to sex). 

It is but isn't surprising is that while we've been together all this time, we are not great communicators when it comes to sex. I personally am not a "go-getter" type and her being absent minded makes for a bad combination. 

BUT digressing from some back story / context, with regards to the issue at hand, I have tried to introduce some things that turn me on and have gauge her openness and willingness to experiment with me, specifically PEGGING, which i guess can be a bit of a shock if one party thinks it comes completely out of left field and if the unsuspecting person wasn't even really aware it was a "thing". This is something I've wanted to delve further into for a long time and even had purchased the necessary toys and items to accommodate if could talk it out... I even considered getting the the double ended (feeldoe) type stuff in hopes that understanding it might bring her some actual physical pleasure w/ one end in her, as well as the panties with a hole instead of the role reversal looking overt style harnesses... thinking that her pleasure and more effeminate holder would help the initial discussion and education.

her initial reaction was pretty strongly against and really hasn't wavered. 

after multiple discussions, the end result is that its a non-starter and the specific reasoning behind it is this --> per her hemorrhoid / skin tag issues she has some issues w/ her own anus and so derives no pleasure in that area (we have never done anal, even pre-kids, when hemorrhoids weren't as big an issue) and so in that regard does not find the idea of pegging me appealing or a turn on in any way.......

I have not really mounted much of a response, due to my lack of being able to communicate a non-angry response. I was actually taken aback in how this whole thing played out and was hoping maybe people who have worked through similar instances have gotten through, worked out or comprimised etc...

I am just having a tough time dealing with the reasoning / response. 

1) For starters, just because you married someone who didn't know about pegging back then, but does now and is interested in it is just kind of silly. things change, people grow, they explore (or so i thought) and find new ways to enhance pleasure that they didn't know about before. 
2) And the fact that you don't associate the ass with feeling good it means that its not something you are into is understandable, but not knowing that it has nerve endings and can bring pleasure to a guy or that the Pspot is in there just seems naive at best. 
3) Lastly, dismissing it and not thinking about a way to compromise and/or at least try something once to find out how it is in real life or if it turns out you might see its not the worse thing in the world is just being close minded.


I don't know how to really get the feelings across with out sounding self righteous, but for my significant other I personally don't think there should be some sexual line that you wouldn't cross or try once or whatever with them to help fulfill their needs sexually or try to grow as a couple and experience new things... Also, the fact this is just between the 2 of us and is not asking for additional members or other things that can put a strain on a marriage in other ways is a struggle for me.

while i don't want to seem like an *******, the typical rebuttal of "if you think should be open to anything for SO than should also respect their wishes not to do something" is not kind of helpful response I'm looking for. Can we do that, yes, will it possibly cause resentment, yes. There are all sorts of books and philosophies of reasons to say "YES" to not saying no, being more open and receptive etc... I mean think about a book we read our kids, simplistically - Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham... He doesn't like them until he tries them. Same thing in these kind of scenarios. 

If there is a way to compromise, that people have done which has worked I'd be all ears.

we are supposed to spend eternity together, and i don't want to throw away a marriage because my wife isn't open to experimenting sexually and growing in that regard from where we were when we were 18.

but my problem is being able to calmly and assuredly communicate with her and be rationale with out being snippy and for her to actually listen and understand and not be stubborn.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

whobbb said:


> but my problem is being able to calmly and assuredly communicate with her and be rationale with out being snippy and for her to actually listen and understand and not be stubborn.


No. Your problem is that you knowingly married a woman, after dating her for _10 years_, who was not into your particular kink. There's nothing wrong with your kink. It's just not her kink. She's told you it does not appeal to her. What she might not have said is that it may also be actively repulsive to her. 

It won't do you any good to be snippy with her about this. But wanting her to "not be stubborn" sounds a lot like what you're actually looking for is a way to talk your wife into doing something she's already said she has no interest at all in doing. That she is not interested shouldn't be a surprise to you, since you must have known who she was, sexually, during the decade you two were together before you were married. So, is she just "being stubborn" or has she stated a sexual boundary that you don't like and want to talk her out of? What you see as irrational stubbornness is likely simply an indication that you two are sexually incompatible. And, again, how did you not know this after 10 years of dating?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yep, she doesn't have to do this stuff is she doesn't want to. You are the one changing the dynamic. Maybe try to find some kink she might like.


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## whobbb (Oct 30, 2017)

eh... thought i had made it more clear in my initial post.

but essentially neither of us ever discussed what we did or didn't like in the bedroom... nor did we every attempt to try anything / everything to see what we did or didn't like. we just did what we knew... It was just something we never discussed... so, now later on in our relationship it has come up as something i would like to try and come to find is not something she necessarily wants to try. We didn't go into the marriage 7 years ago knowing this particular kink and was agreed upon like hey u know i like this, i know you don't, lets just forget about it for some amount of time.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Green eggs and ham is about food, not sex. Are you suggesting if your wife wanted to do something sexual with you that just sounded horrible, you would be all for it? "Hey babe, I've always wanted 5 guys to bang me in front of you and then watch them drop their load on your face. Green eggs and ham right babe?" You would be like "well I guess I won't know if I like it if I don't try it, sure honey, lets find these men and make it happen"


If she says no, she says no. Trying to make your point using a children's book about getting your kids to eat their dinner isn't going to work here buddy.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Where do these Outliers come from?

You, Sir, are an odd man out.

You are going to push this good wife out of her shell.

And out of your' life. 

Keep it up.

She will turn her cheek and then her ass on you, if you keep pushing this crap.


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## bmorehappy (Oct 18, 2017)

1. You can't force someone to enjoy a sexual activity just because you like it. If she was into bestiality, scatophilia or mfm 3somes, would you appreciate her pressuring you to partake in these acts and getting upset because you refused?

2. One of my exes pressured me into trying pegging. I lost so much respect for him after that. Dominating him in that way subconsciously shifted the balance in our relationship, in my head. The images of him in that submissive state plus his "nagging" to do it really did a number on me mentally. I think we women see submissiveness as a feminine trait, is that the association you want your wife to make with you and this kink? Can you imagine how a woman perceives a man who throws a hissy fit because she doesn't want to **** him in the ass?


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

In my case I slowly over time developed a curiosity for something outside the norm, I sat m6 wife down and explained that I just wanted to try, maybe I wouldn’t like it and she just looked at me and said....sometimes you are really weird. But she didn’t say NO......so I kept after her and i5 has caused problems in our marriage.
I think what Iwanted was quiet tame as compared to what the Green eggs and Ham guy laid out. Fact is this isn’t something that had even crossed my mind when we were dating but and not even in the first 15 yrs of marriage......I am not going to push her and sometimes fantasies are better off staying fantasies.....but still I think we should all try to do whatever our partner wants as long as it is just us and doesn’t involve a midget or donkey


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

OP there are hundreds if not thousands of sexual kinks out there. Stop focusing on THE ONE your wife doesn't want to consider. Instead, try to find something both of you might actually enjoy. 

Take the mojo upgrade survey and then have your wife take it. http://mojoupgrade.com. The survey summarizes the results to those kinks you're both open to trying. 

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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

whobbb said:


> eh... thought i had made it more clear in my initial post.
> 
> but essentially neither of us ever discussed what we did or didn't like in the bedroom... nor did we every attempt to try anything / everything to see what we did or didn't like. we just did what we knew... It was just something we never discussed... so, now later on in our relationship it has come up as something i would like to try and come to find is not something she necessarily wants to try. We didn't go into the marriage 7 years ago knowing this particular kink and was agreed upon like hey u know i like this, i know you don't, lets just forget about it for some amount of time.


This doesn't change anything. You asked she said no. What do you want us to say here? Divorce her? I guess you could but it seems like a very poor reason to break up your family. Cheat on her? Look you are an adult, you should know by now you don't get everything you want in life. Seems like if you stay with this women this is one of those things. Again it's not like she isn't having sex with you, she doesn't want to peg you. I am sure there are ways to do it to yourself if you need to. Mick Jagger said it well, "You can't always get what you want."


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

David51 said:


> In my case I slowly over time developed a curiosity for something outside the norm, I sat m6 wife down and explained that I just wanted to try, maybe I wouldn’t like it and she just looked at me and said....sometimes you are really weird. But she didn’t say NO......so I kept after her and i5 has caused problems in our marriage.
> I think what Iwanted was quiet tame as compared to what the Green eggs and Ham guy laid out. Fact is this isn’t something that had even crossed my mind when we were dating but and not even in the first 15 yrs of marriage......I am not going to push her and sometimes fantasies are better off staying fantasies.....but still I think we should all try to do whatever our partner wants as long as it is just us and doesn’t involve a midget or donkey
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


You should be able to ask to try whatever you want, but they are called partners, not slaves. If they don't want to do it, they have a right to say no. This goes for even sex, then you have a right to decide if that is a deal breaker for you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

whobbb said:


> her initial reaction was pretty strongly against and really hasn't wavered.
> 
> after multiple discussions, the end result is that its a non-starter and the specific reasoning behind it is this --> per her hemorrhoid / skin tag issues she has some issues w/ her own anus and so derives no pleasure in that area (we have never done anal, even pre-kids, when hemorrhoids weren't as big an issue) and so in that regard does not find the idea of pegging me appealing or a turn on in any way.......
> 
> ...


The red bold lines are where your problem is. The problem is not with your wife. It is with your attitude of entitlement. 
She is not interested and you don't think she has given you a good enough reason to say no. 

Let me explain this to you. She doesn't want to and she is even willing to explain to you why not, but you will not take no for an answer. Somehow you consider it your right to get this activity from her and think she is being unreasonable in withholding what you see as your due. The fact that you cannot even have a calm conversation with her about this, but you get angry shows that you really do not care about what your wife thinks or feels about this. You want it and it's all about you. The reason you want her answers as to why she doesn't want this is so you can find counter arguments to show her that she is wrong and she should do what she finds uncomfortable at best and disgusting at worst.

If you are dissatisfied with your wife, then decided what you are going to do about. Hopefully you will get a hold of your anger and deal with her honorably, which includes not trying to coerce her into doing things your way.

The way you have described this situation says a lot about why you are not satisfied with your marriage. You see your wife as a dispenser of what you want and she is feeling used. She may not be able to articulate that, since you probably don't come right out and demand that she fulfill your desires, but you do make her feel bad about not doing what you want. This is not honoring to your wife and it shows that you do not have her back. That is the bottom line problem in your marriage. I don't know what your wife's part is, but you have clearly shown through your post what you are doing to create an atmosphere of distrust rather than an atmosphere is mutually loving relationship.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

David51 said:


> but still I think we should all try to do whatever our partner wants as long as it is just us and doesn?t involve a midget or donkey


Alright, no midgets or donkeys. So five guys with your wife and their load on your face is still on the table. 

Seriously, you are helping me make my point. If there is something you don't want to do, she can't make you do it. She also shouldn't try and manipulate you by saying BS like "I think we should all try to do what our partner wants..." Um, NO! You can discuss it, but in no way is someone required to be your sex slave. It's a sinister thought to expect that of someone, and then when you don't get your way to put the blame on them for not trying it at least once. What you are attempting to do is manipulate your spouse with a statement like that. 

Attempting to manipulate your wife into doing something sexual they don't want to do for only your own pleasure is pretty disgusting behavior.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Unfortunately not everyone enjoys the same kinks, they don't even enjoy the same amount of kink. Neither of you is wrong, but this is something where you are not compatible. 

My wife is not kinky - she really just doesn't understand kink at all, so I have to live without that. 

Honestly all you can do is accept or leave.

I know it sucks. It seems such a simple thing for her to do to make you happy, but to her it is a step too far.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I think practicing acceptance that your wife does't want to peg you is whats needed here.

I don't think most people can enjoy a sex act if their partner is disgusted when the begrudgingly do it to you. At least I know I can't.

Its hard to wrap you mind around it but its just the way it is. She might never become the sexual freak you would like her to be.

Do you love her other atributes? If so compromise and show her you love her . Try to get back to the point where she feels safe with you . Right now shes probably wondering if your gay or in the closet. 

Not that pegging means your gay but to someone who is not a freaky sex type of person could view it that way.

And that could then turn her off even more.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

For the other TAMers here who have said, "Why did you marry someone you weren't compatible with?" and "You should have known she wouldn't be into this!" and other similar statements, I would like to say in the OP's defense:

People don't always know what their kinks are when they are young. Some people are lucky, and they know early. Some people figure it out later, sometimes because they've never been exposed to it before. Our society teaches us that any sexual needs outside the vanilla norm is shameful, and it takes a lot of courage and personal strength to overcome that and be honest with oneself about kinky sexual needs. It's even harder to be honest with a partner and to ask to have those needs met. It took a lot of courage for him to ask his wife about this, and he was risking a lot, only to be shot down by her in response. Have a little compassion, people.

That being said, @whobbb, I have been in your shoes. I had always been curious about kink, and I knew that my then-fiance had experience in this area. I had a desire to try this, and even when out and bought some beginner BDSM equipment (handcuffs, flogger, blindfold), and he was the first partner with whom I felt safe enough to express my desire. He flat out turned me down, said that he had done it before, and had no interest in doing it again. At the time, our sex life was pretty good, so I figured, OK, I love this man, I guess this is something I will have to do without, and I still married him. But I was absolutely crushed by his refusal, and things were never quite the same after that. We did ultimately divorce, for other reasons, and that's another story for another day. After our divorce, I was free to date other men and explore the sexual kink I had kept suppressed for such a long time, and now I'm a member of the kink community, which is awesome.

My point in telling you this story, is a) to let you know where I'm coming from, and b) to share that everyone hope their partner will be GGG when it comes to our particular kinks. We all hope that our partner loves us enough to be open and willing to try whatever it is that we need sexually. (Even Bree did it for Rex in _Desperate Housewives_!) But, sadly, this isn't always the case. It wasn't the case in my marriage, and it isn't the case for you.

Unfortunately, there isn't a whole lot that you can do about this. Your wife has made it clear that she will never indulge you on this, which, frankly, I think is a huge failing on her part. But you can't force her to do anything that she doesn't want, and trying to do so, or to coerce her into doing it for you, will only serve to drive a wedge between the two of you and further destabilize your marriage.

You have a few options. 

1) You can accept that fact that you won't have this kink met by your partner, and know that you will only have this need met through self-play.
2) Ask your wife for permission to play outside the marriage so that you can have your needs met, but also continue to maintain a loving marriage with her. You might be surprised at the number of people in the kink community who are married to vanilla spouses, who have given their consent for the kinky spouse to have these needs met elsewhere. Please keep in mind that dominant women in the scene are a high-value, rare commodity. You may need to seek out a professional dominatrix, and even then, those willing to engage in sexual play are harder to find. This is the burden of the long-suffering submissive man.
3) Go outside the marriage without your wife's permission. (Not recommended.)
4) End the marriage based on irreconcilable differences, and begin searching for a partner who is more compatible with you sexually.

I'm pretty sure that none of these are appealing to you, but you have to accept that fact that you're not going to get what you want (your wife gleefully pegging away!). The thing you have to ask yourself is this: how important is this kink to you? Can you live without it?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Lila said:


> OP there are hundreds if not thousands of sexual kinks out there. Stop focusing on THE ONE your wife doesn't want to consider. Instead, try to find something both of you might actually enjoy.
> 
> Take the mojo upgrade survey and then have your wife take it. Interactive Sex Questionnaire for Couples | Mojo Upgrade. The survey summarizes the results to those kinks you're both open to trying.



^this^
try to find something you BOTH get into.
If she is submissive, it just will not be in her nature to peg you, no matter how hard you plead.


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## almost (Apr 14, 2015)

I am personally repulsed by the idea of pegging a man, had any of my ex's requested that, I would have to end the relationship. I imagine many women feel the way I do, perhaps your wife does as well? I think for many women, they want to be the only feminine party in the relationship... and they want their mate be the masculine one. Your wife seeing her husband bent over with his legs spread ready for her to **** him may be too much for her to handle visually.. and not at all in a good way. I don't imagine many women find a man who pouts and whines (not that you're whining...) because she won't put a dildo in his butt very sexually appealing.

If I were you, I'd stop pushing this. Why not peg yourself with a toy when you're masturbating alone?


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

You guys are a lot of fun! Pegging? lol I am old fart , had to google pegging. Seemed to me that a during oral set I find 1 finger massaging the prostrate gland to bring about climax quicker than anything....Pegging doesn’t sound like something I would enjoy, however if my honey wanted to try it I would oblige her.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

David51 said:


> You guys are a lot of fun! Pegging? lol I am old fart , had to google pegging. Seemed to me that a during oral set I find 1 finger massaging the prostrate gland to bring about climax quicker than anything....Pegging doesn’t sound like something I would enjoy, however if my honey wanted to try it I would oblige her.


 @David51, you crack me up! LOL 

Pegging applies more pressure and stimulation to the prostate, plus it also stimulates other nerve endings around the anus. It's not for everyone, but men that like it... REALLY like it.

Honestly, for a man to ask this if his partner... it puts him in the most vulnerable of all positions, physically speaking; asking his partner to do this and risking rejection puts him in the most vulnerable of all positions, emotionally speaking. If a man asks his [female] partner to do this, it says a lot about the level of trust he has in her, and their relationship.

It's one of the reasons that I'm so sad for the OP, because his wife said no. That's really hard to take.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How about you enjoy and be grateful for your wife and the life and sex you have. The way you describe her refusal to do this is appalling. Stubborn, closed minded etc. You being so angry about it is telling also. 

I wouldn't never ever expect a partner to do something they were clearly so unhappy about. If they said no I would leave it there and move on. If you carry on pressuring her, it will harm the marriage and damage her respect for you. 

Oh and if you watch porn, then stop. So many people get these ideas from porn and then wonder why their partners aren't interested.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> @David51, you crack me up! LOL
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I can see after thinking it over that he did put himself in a very vulnerable position. I find it sad when one prtner flat refuses to do something the OP wants. There are lines I wouldn’t cross one would be bring someone else (woman or man) in the mix. Maybe if he explained to her that her saying no to his fantasy is akin ro him saying I am not going to go down on you because I don’t like the way you taste, or smell......in my case I wanted to be spanked and she sid no so is kinda similar to his desire.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

As someone just explained to me, pegging stimulates the prostate so the wife refusing to use a strapon on her husband. Would be like him refusing to give her oral sex and by-the-way I do no men that will not eat their woman. So as a woman if your man says no to oral because he finds it unmanly.....I everyone here would think that he is a lousy lover, inexperienced. Well in my mind his wife is the same just a dud in the bedroom. 


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If she won't peg you, but you want the stimulation, then try a suction cup dildo. Affix it to the wall and use it as part of foreplay and sex. You get the sensation you want, you get to feel that sensation with your partner, and she doesn't have to do anything.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

David51 said:


> As someone just explained to me, pegging stimulates the prostate so the wife refusing to use a strapon on her husband. Would be like him refusing to give her oral sex and by-the-way I do no men that will not eat their woman. So as a woman if your man says no to oral because he finds it unmanly.....I everyone here would think that he is a lousy lover, inexperienced. Well in my mind his wife is the same just a dud in the bedroom.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


A guy going down on a woman is a heterosexual activity. A guy being fvcked by his wife with a strap on is a simulation of gay sex. Just because his wife doesn't want to strap on a penis and give her husband the fantasy of being banged by another man doesn't mean she is dud in the bedroom.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> @David51, you crack me up! LOL
> 
> Pegging applies more pressure and stimulation to the prostate, plus it also stimulates other nerve endings around the anus. It's not for everyone, but men that like it... REALLY like it.
> 
> ...



Based on what you wrote above, and having experienced it first hand in your marriage, it seems like the relationship is permanently damaged if one person brings up a kink in which the other person does not want to engage. Do you think there is a good way to reject a hard boundary request without hurting the feelings of the person doing the requesting?

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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I think honest and open communication about sexual kinks and fantasies is healthy in a relationship. I also think sharing those kinks and fantasies does not automatically mean one is required to participate in them. We do still have autonomy over our minds and bodies. 

OP, your wife does not want to participate in pegging you. Decide if this is the hill you want to die on.

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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

David51 said:


> As someone just explained to me, pegging stimulates the prostate so the wife refusing to use a strapon on her husband. Would be like him refusing to give her oral sex and by-the-way I do no men that will not eat their woman. So as a woman if your man says no to oral because he finds it unmanly.....I everyone here would think that he is a lousy lover, inexperienced. Well in my mind his wife is the same just a dud in the bedroom.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Wrong. You're comparing apples to oranges.

A woman refusing to **** her male partner's ass is like a man refusing to **** his female partner's ass. 

A man refusing to go down on his female partner is like a woman refusing to go down are her male partner. 

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

David51 said:


> I can see after thinking it over that he did put himself in a very vulnerable position. I find it sad when one prtner flat refuses to do something the OP wants. There are lines I wouldn’t cross one would be bring someone else (woman or man) in the mix. Maybe if he explained to her that her saying no to his fantasy is akin ro him saying I am not going to go down on you because I don’t like the way you taste, or smell......in my case I wanted to be spanked and she sid no so is kinda similar to his desire.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


 We all have different lines don't we, and this is clearly one of hers, and I am sure that many would agree with her. Making the other partner feel guilty for saying no isn't the way forward. He needs to respect his wife and her decisions as to what, for her, is too far. 
He needs to be thankful for what he has and move on. Getting all angry and resentful is very immature and will wreck the marriage. Its like a toddler who cant get his own way.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Lila said:


> A woman refusing to **** her male partner's ass is like a man refusing to **** his female partner's ass.


Even that isn't the same thing because... Wait for it.... Women don't have a penis! You are still comparing homosexual sex to heterosexual sex. A guy wanting someone to pound his ass is at least bisexual. I dont care how you want to try and rationalize it or slice it. That is gay sex! Nothing wrong with it, but gay sex can't be compared to straight sex. Its still apples and oranges. A guy who is up for that would be very likely to want a man to do it to them too. Oh sure, maybe they want a feminine looking transsexual, but that is still a man. Because again, only men have a penis. 

To expect every strictly straight spouse to be comfortable with homosexual sex is absurd. "Just try it once, green eggs and ham" and "if my wife doesn't want to top me, she is a dud in the sack" is some of the most ridiculous crap I've ever heard. 

David and OP want to manipulate their spouses into doing something they don't want to do sexually. That is disgusting behavior. If my wife had a fantasy that I found disgusting and didn't want to do, and then she tried to use manipulative tactics to get me to do it, that is grounds for divorce as far as I'm concerned.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't think it works that way. 

I believe the most sexual activity among lesbians is oral - but women who enjoy receiving oral are not considered gay. I believe the most common sexual activity among gay men is oral, but men who enjoy receiving oral are not considered gay. 

Actually I think people make the entire "gay" thing much more complicated than it really is. IMHO, the definitions are simple:

If you engage in sexual activity only with people of the same gender, you are gay / lesbian. 

If you engage in sexual activity with people of both genders, you are bisexual. 

If you engage in sexual activity only with people of the opposite gender, you are straight. 


There is nothing wrong with any of the above. There is nothing wrong with changing from one of these categories to the other - as long as the change doesn't involve violating agreed-upon exclusivity in a relationship.


Its sex. Its supposed to be fun. Enjoy 



I have not problem with anyone wanting any consensual sexual activity. While I don't expect everyone to always agree to their partners kinks - I think that if you love someone you should really try. It is such a wonderful thing to have your partner accept your kink and so hurtful (however unintentionally) when it is turned down.













TheDudeLebowski said:


> A guy going down on a woman is a heterosexual activity. A guy being fvcked by his wife with a strap on is a simulation of gay sex. Just because his wife doesn't want to strap on a penis and give her husband the fantasy of being banged by another man doesn't mean she is dud in the bedroom.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Masturbation really isn't the same as sex with a partner. 

You are of course free to feel as you wish, but I'd suggest thinking about it a little differently. Sometimes men enjoy being submissive in bed (which pegging usually involves) because they are tired of always being in charge, always responsible. 

There does seem a huge split on this. There are some women who find male submissives to be disgusting, and some who like the idea of sometimes being the one in charge. 








almost said:


> I am personally repulsed by the idea of pegging a man, had any of my ex's requested that, I would have to end the relationship. I imagine many women feel the way I do, perhaps your wife does as well? I think for many women, they want to be the only feminine party in the relationship... and they want their mate be the masculine one. Your wife seeing her husband bent over with his legs spread ready for her to **** him may be too much for her to handle visually.. and not at all in a good way. I don't imagine many women find a man who pouts and whines (not that you're whining...) because she won't put a dildo in his butt very sexually appealing.
> 
> If I were you, I'd stop pushing this. Why not peg yourself with a toy when you're masturbating alone?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

uhtred said:


> I don't think it works that way.
> 
> I believe the most sexual activity among lesbians is oral - but women who enjoy receiving oral are not considered gay. I believe the most common sexual activity among gay men is oral, but men who enjoy receiving oral are not considered gay.


Except like the little kid in kindergarten cop said "boys have penises girls have vaginas" a woman can't lick her husbands clam. Because he doesnt have one. Lesbians going down on each other isn't the same thing. Just like a husband can't blow his wife's meat rod, because she doesn't have one. Men going down on each other isnt the same thing.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you are blindfolded you can tell which gender is going down on you. 



TheDudeLebowski said:


> Except like the little kid in kindergarten cop said "boys have penises girls have vaginas" a woman can't lick her husbands clam. Because he doesnt have one. Lesbians going down on each other isn't the same thing. Just like a husband can't blow his wife's meat rod, because she doesn't have one. Men going down on each other isnt the same thing.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Masturbation really isn't the same as sex with a partner.
> 
> You are of course free to feel as you wish, but I'd suggest thinking about it a little differently. Sometimes men enjoy being submissive in bed (which pegging usually involves) because they are tired of always being in charge, always responsible.
> 
> There does seem a huge split on this. There are some women who find male submissives to be disgusting, and some who like the idea of sometimes being the one in charge.


Well, there's submissive and then there's _submissive_. Moreover, there's what's in it for her. 

To someone like me, just letting her be on top for intercourse is submissive. 

And on the very rare occasion she wants to do that, it's still intercourse--meaning mutual stimulation, relatively symmetrical. 

But if a woman's just manipulating something up a guys butt, that's not something different entirely. Most women are not going to get something pleasurable out of this. Sure, some women may enjoy asymmetrical activities like giving a HJ or BJ, but that's significantly different in two ways: 1. she is in direct contact with her lover rather than by proxy of some sort of dildo and 2. she is in contact with genitalia rather than an anus, one of which most will associate as a sexual organ and the other not.

Not judging pegging here, just pointing out the mental approach and feelings most will have regarding this topic.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Hey guys I think everyone straight up glossed over the fact that he started thinking more and more about getting into kinks once the sex life started declining:



whobbb said:


> But as years have gone on, sexual frequency is down and it is something that i seemingly think about more than she does.


I think if he was getting some more often, his mind would have less time to dwell on this stuff.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

I tend to think that anything a couple of does between themselves is their business. Most things are pretty run of the mill normal sex acts most couples do together. When someone says their spouse won?t do oral, anal, doggystyle, or something that?s pretty common I think to my self ?what a prude?. 
Pegging, seems out there buddy. It?s not a common sex act between hetero couples at all. I can totally understand if your wife draws a line on something?s like fisting, bdsm, etc because it hurts her physically. But, pegging you doesn?t hurt her. She ought to do it for you. You don?t want to end up cheating on her because you?re kinks aren?t being met.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Lila said:


> Based on what you wrote above, and having experienced it first hand in your marriage, it seems like the relationship is permanently damaged if one person brings up a kink in which the other person does not want to engage. Do you think there is a good way to reject a hard boundary request without hurting the feelings of the person doing the requesting?


Honestly? It's a really difficult thing to do without hurting the other person's feelings... a partner capable of saying "no" with empathy and not hurting the other's feelings, well that's usually the kind of partner who wouldn't say no in the first place.

But the relationship doesn't have to be permanently damaged. The kink thing isn't the reason my marriage failed, but it definitely hurt me at the time. I think it depends on how much the person needs the kink. If it's just thrown out there on a whim, like "Hey, let's try this" then it's probably not going to be a big deal. If it's a kink the person has pursued with multiple previous partners, and really NEEDS it to be satisfied sexually, then it's going to be a big problem.

I'm not sure where the OP falls on this spectrum, so I couldn't guess how it would affect their relationship.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> A guy going down on a woman is a heterosexual activity. A guy being fvcked by his wife with a strap on is a simulation of gay sex. Just because his wife doesn't want to strap on a penis and give her husband the fantasy of being banged by another man doesn't mean she is dud in the bedroom.





TheDudeLebowski said:


> Even that isn't the same thing because... Wait for it.... Women don't have a penis! You are still comparing homosexual sex to heterosexual sex. A guy wanting someone to pound his ass is at least bisexual. I dont care how you want to try and rationalize it or slice it. That is gay sex! Nothing wrong with it, but gay sex can't be compared to straight sex. Its still apples and oranges. A guy who is up for that would be very likely to want a man to do it to them too. Oh sure, maybe they want a feminine looking transsexual, but that is still a man. Because again, only men have a penis.
> 
> To expect every strictly straight spouse to be comfortable with homosexual sex is absurd. "Just try it once, green eggs and ham" and "if my wife doesn't want to top me, she is a dud in the sack" is some of the most ridiculous crap I've ever heard.
> 
> David and OP want to manipulate their spouses into doing something they don't want to do sexually. That is disgusting behavior. If my wife had a fantasy that I found disgusting and didn't want to do, and then she tried to use manipulative tactics to get me to do it, that is grounds for divorce as far as I'm concerned.


NO. JUST NO.

An interest in pegging in no way makes a man gay, or bisexual. It is stimulation of a particular set of nerve endings from which one derives pleasure, and that has no bearing whatsoever on a person's sexuality. A person's sexuality is determined by who they are attracted to, and whether they want a man or woman doing the stimulating.

There are lots of straight-as-an-arrow men who like pegging. But they want a woman to do it. They don't want another man anywhere near their butt.

And... surprise!!! There are a lot of gay men who don't enjoy anal sex. A LOT.

Yes, the OP is trying to manipulate his wife into doing this, and I certainly don't agree with the manipulation. But that doesn't make him gay.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

toblerone said:


> Hey guys I think everyone straight up glossed over the fact that he started thinking more and more about getting into kinks once the sex life started declining:
> 
> 
> 
> I think if he was getting some more often, his mind would have less time to dwell on this stuff.


Good point. I know my thoughts reach further afield in direct proportion to how long it's been since the last event.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Well, there's submissive and then there's _submissive_. Moreover, there's what's in it for her.
> 
> To someone like me, just letting her be on top for intercourse is submissive.
> 
> ...


True. This is a very one-side sexual act. It's all about the male partner and his pleasure; most women won't get anything out of it for themselves.

And that in and of itself makes the female partner's willingness to engage a very loving and selfless act. It's kind of beautiful, in a way.


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## whobbb (Oct 30, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> For the other TAMers here who have said, "Why did you marry someone you weren't compatible with?" and "You should have known she wouldn't be into this!" and other similar statements, I would like to say in the OP's defense:
> 
> People don't always know what their kinks are when they are young. Some people are lucky, and they know early. Some people figure it out later, sometimes because they've never been exposed to it before. Our society teaches us that any sexual needs outside the vanilla norm is shameful, and it takes a lot of courage and personal strength to overcome that and be honest with oneself about kinky sexual needs. It's even harder to be honest with a partner and to ask to have those needs met. It took a lot of courage for him to ask his wife about this, and he was risking a lot, only to be shot down by her in response. Have a little compassion, people.
> 
> ...



while there are a few other positive/neutral though short replies, I appreciate this post the most. An obviously informed and obviously non-judgmental attempt to provide actual advice, help and context for it.

I'm actually surprised, though should actually be not surprised by a whole lot of the posts here, that weren't able to comprehend the basis of the initial post and just lash out for their own inexplicable reasons... 

Either way @FeministInPink, thank you... I think it is pretty difficult to explain an entire relationship with context in a matter of a few paragraphs. But while one of the main points was that my partner made a decision without any education on the subject, because it wasn't anything she thought about or read about or acquired knowledge about (is that fair?) I came here looking for ideas on how to communicate because as I tried to explain neither of us really developed that ability to TALK... we just "did sex" we never communicated about sex and fantasies or anything else. we have never laughed in the bedroom etc... its just been something we do and never go further or really tried anything or asked this that or the other thing.

Bottom line, I am disappointed in the majority of posts here, and will continue to live my life with this kink and others, unfulfilled, while keeping any others hidden (because it isn't worth it) due to the fact she has no fantasies or kinks to speak of (and yes we somewhat recently both took the mojo upgrade quiz - 0 kink/fantasy from spouse end). And my marriage and our kids and everything we have built is more important, but that's a pretty crappy feeling.

Thanks for the undeniably harsh and overwhelmingly critical, uncalled for sorry ass judgement, I mean advice.......... thought this would be more productive than a place like reddit.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

whobbb said:


> while there are a few other positive/neutral though short replies, I appreciate this post the most. An obviously informed and obviously non-judgmental attempt to provide actual advice, help and context for it.
> 
> I'm actually surprised, though should actually be not surprised by a whole lot of the posts here, that weren't able to comprehend the basis of the initial post and just lash out for their own inexplicable reasons...
> 
> ...


 @whobbb You're welcome. I'm glad I can be helpful. 

Unfortunately, the greater populace isn't well-educated on kink and how it functions in a relationship. And it is something that people have sometimes have a gut reaction to, like anything else they don't understand. As with any other forum, you're going to get a wide variety of responses, and it's up to you to separate the wheat from the chaff.

The way you describe your sexual relationship with your wife reminds me of mine with my XH. He wouldn't talk about it, was too embarrassed and kept using euphemisms that made it difficult to have a real conversation about it. I asked my XH about his fantasies once, and he stammered something about me wearing a red bustier or corset that emphasized my feminine beauty, and he blushed and wouldn't continue. Whenever I tried to talk about sex, he pretty much shut me down.

Your conclusion and ultimate decision makes me a little sad, but if you want to keep the marriage intact, there's not much else for you to do. I wish you the best of luck.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> TheDudeLebowski said:
> 
> 
> > A guy going down on a woman is a heterosexual activity. A guy being fvcked by his wife with a strap on is a simulation of gay sex. Just because his wife doesn't want to strap on a penis and give her husband the fantasy of being banged by another man doesn't mean she is dud in the bedroom.
> ...


Agree to disagree. Any man who wants to bend over and let someone pound his hole is at least bisexual in my book.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

David51 said:


> In my case I slowly over time developed a curiosity for something outside the norm, I sat m6 wife down and explained that I just wanted to try, maybe I wouldn’t like it and she just looked at me and said....sometimes you are really weird. But she didn’t say NO......so I kept after her and i5 has caused problems in our marriage.
> I think what Iwanted was quiet tame as compared to what the Green eggs and Ham guy laid out. Fact is this isn’t something that had even crossed my mind when we were dating but and not even in the first 15 yrs of marriage......*I am not going to push her *and sometimes fantasies are better off staying fantasies.....*but still I think we should all try to do whatever our partner wants as long as it is just us and doesn’t involve a midget or donkey*
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Yes and no. First, a person has the right to set their own boundaries in regards to sex. Glad we agree on that.

I am a fan of David Schnarch and he feels that in marriage everything is negotiated and that those things agreed upon change as one or both of the couple evolve and mature. It is also critical that each partner is able to self-sooth when trying to stretch their emotional boundaries. 

Similarly, the Gottmans view certain areas as grid lock issues where one partner needs to do something and the other refuses. Their advice to negotiating gridlock issues is to really listen to your partner and their reasons to the point that you understand their "reality" and are able to articulate it better than they can. Once you have reached that point you can suggest things along the edges of what they object to, that they may be willing to try.

Back to Schnarch. Just because your spouse doesn't want to try different things or be exploratory doesn't mean she is broken and needs fixing. It just means that the two of your are at different places emotionally. As such you need to figure out either a compromise or something else that can provide both of you with pleasure and meet your emotional needs.

As to pegging. You have your answer. While you may think you like it, but find out you don/t. 

If you really would like to try that, tell your wife you would really like to try it, but that you respect her position. Ask he if you purchased say an Aneros Prostate Massager, if she would hold you in her arms while you try the self stimulation or if she might be up to stimulating your prostate as part of sex. If she is as vanilla as you say, she will probably say no, but at least you will have asked and she might say yes.

If she doesn't try something else. The famous yes, no, maybe lists is a good way of opening up the topics of exploration.

Good luck.

Be grateful for what you have, a vanilla marriage is probably better than either a sex starved marriage or an unfaithful wife.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Well, there's submissive and then there's _submissive_. Moreover, there's what's in it for her.
> 
> To someone like me, just letting her be on top for intercourse is submissive.
> 
> ...


I've been fairly open about being a "switch", meaning I sometimes want to be the sub and sometimes want to be the Dom. I have been the pegger and can report multiple orgasms from pegging. So, other than the delicious role reversal and sub/Dom play, doing something your partner finds hot, the "what's in it for her" is orgasms.

How? The bump and grind, basically. With the harness adjusted to set the base of the dildo over the clit, the motions cause the base to stimulate the clit, and there ya go.

Also, there isn't a lack of genital or other contact during pegging. If in the doggie style position, the woman can reach and touch his genitals and most of his body. Same if its done in a slightly modified missionary position. Other positions make reaching parts a bit more tricky due to height and reach differences. 

That said, if the woman doesn't want to give it a try because she's not into it at all, then there's nothing OP can do.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sorry but not getting to have a sex act in marriage is a pretty typical situation in most marriages. Lots of men would like a threesome for instance, most women aern't going to go for it. Being an adult means you learn to live with not always getting everything you want. If your marriage and your sex life is good in most respects call yourself lucky and deal. There are probably plenty of other things you can do as well. 

You can always get a suction cup dd if you want.

Here is a question OP, if you never had this done before why are you SO sure that it is basically a hill to make a stand on? How do you know you will even like it? How much of this is driven by porn use? Meaning are you feeding the idea by hyper focusing on it? If so maybe hyper focus on some other kink you wife would like. I really don't have a problem with wanting it but why do you want it enough to allow problems in your marriage, especially if you haven't even experienced it yet?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Agree to disagree. Any man who wants to bend over and let someone pound his hole is at least bisexual in my book.


Except that you don't get to decide how someone else wants to identify himself. You don't get to decide who is straight, bi, or gay.

To put it another way, imagine that I say Bob is a jerk. Is he a jerk just because I say he's a jerk? Maybe he's actually a great guy. Bob says that he is a great guy, Bob's wife and friends all say that he is a great guy. Just because I say he's a jerk, doesn't make it true.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> TheDudeLebowski said:
> 
> 
> > Agree to disagree. Any man who wants to bend over and let someone pound his hole is at least bisexual in my book.
> ...


Its true for you if someone is a jerk.  That is your perception of them. My perception is a man who engages in being banged in the butthole is they are gay or bisexual. You don't have to agree with me, but your opinion isnt any more valid than mine. Same with your opinion of bob being a jerk when others think he's not. Bob is a douche in your world. Guys who take it up the bum are gay in my world.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

The pegging does not hurt her, does not interfere with her pleasure, does nothing for her good or bad, she would just be plunging a toy in you like a man might use a vibrator or other toy on his wife, so I don?t get all the hate here or the denial from your wife, OP.

It?s unusual, you know that, it?s a kink after all so it?s out of the norm. Maybe you suggest she do it for you once every other month. 

It falls under my ?what a couple does with each other is their business? rule. Still in the confines of marriage and exclusivity. While I would never want this, I see no reason why you should be denied pleasure from the only woman in the world you?ve allowed yourself to have sex with.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Two consenting adults.

Getting all wrapped up in what type of play it is is misguided. As long as it's fun for you both, go for it.

Focus on the issue of consent.

Even that may change over time, of course. Life changes.

This kink happens to be one I wouldn't like, and I am sure my crazy wife wouldn't like it at all. But my wife is into all kinds of kink and I think trying to bin it into this or that and label it because of this or that is very negative. So I won't pass judgement at all. My wife and I would be judged pretty harshly, I am sure.

It's unfortunate your wife doesn't like what you want to try, but as mentioned, there are lots of things you should consider then that she might be interested in trying. You are fixated. Maybe because she is being disobedient and you don't like that? Have you discussed that concept with her?

Personally I do agree with those who think this particular kink does make a man seem less masculine, and from my own experience the opposite is what women want. Being highly self assured and very masculine has turned many female heads and hearts for me.

Good luck in understanding why you are so obsessed with making your wife do this for you, rather than just finding a way to do it for yourself.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

JayDee7 said:


> The pegging does not hurt her, does not interfere with her pleasure, does nothing for her good or bad, she would just be plunging a toy in you like a man might use a vibrator or other toy on his wife, so I don?t get all the hate here or the denial from your wife, OP.
> 
> It?s unusual, you know that, it?s a kink after all so it?s out of the norm. Maybe you suggest she do it for you once every other month.
> 
> It falls under my ?what a couple does with each other is their business? rule. Still in the confines of marriage and exclusivity. While I would never want this, I see no reason why you should be denied pleasure from the only woman in the world you?ve allowed yourself to have sex with.


You see no reason he should be denied? So by marriage you are required to give in to everything your partner asks of you? By your logic I should just demand my wife find another hot Asian girl and they both blow me. After all, that is my fantasy. But your argument is going to be against another person in the bedroom... So between me and my wife alone I can demand she takes a steaming dump on my chest and then lick it off of me while she jerks me off and she has to comply because I made the commitment to only have sex with her and that is what turns me on sexually? 

You CAN'T force an adult to do something they don't want to do. I dont care who they are and what other commitments you have made to that person. Trying to manipulate another person to do something they don't want to do is sick, dare I say evil. 

You can boohoo and throw a fit like a child all you want. If the person says no, tough chit. So you instead take the manipulative approach eh? Try and manipulate someone to conforming to your own ideas on how life should work. That is reprehensible behaviour. Grounds for divorce as far as I'm concerned.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Agree to disagree. Any man who wants to bend over and let someone pound his hole is at least bisexual in my book.


Even if that man is not attracted to other men and is repulsed at the idea of being with another man?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> Except that you don't get to decide how someone else wants to identify himself. You don't get to decide who is straight, bi, or gay.
> 
> To put it another way, imagine that I say Bob is a jerk. Is he a jerk just because I say he's a jerk? Maybe he's actually a great guy. Bob says that he is a great guy, Bob's wife and friends all say that he is a great guy. Just because I say he's a jerk, doesn't make it true.


Your example is on the generous side because whether someone is a jerk is more subjective. Being bisexual or gay has an established universal requirement of same-sex attraction.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> Honestly? It's a really difficult thing to do without hurting the other person's feelings... a partner capable of saying "no" with empathy and not hurting the other's feelings, well that's usually the kind of partner who wouldn't say no in the first place.
> 
> But the relationship doesn't have to be permanently damaged. The kink thing isn't the reason my marriage failed, but it definitely hurt me at the time. I think it depends on how much the person needs the kink. If it's just thrown out there on a whim, like "Hey, let's try this" then it's probably not going to be a big deal. If it's a kink the person has pursued with multiple previous partners, and really NEEDS it to be satisfied sexually, then it's going to be a big problem.
> 
> I'm not sure where the OP falls on this spectrum, so I couldn't guess how it would affect their relationship.


Thanks for answering FIP. I do agree this is such a catch 22 for both partners. If both partners are not in agreement then someone is going to either get their feelings hurt (the rejected partner) or feel resentment (the partner with the hard boundary). 

My husband and I haven't run into serious kinks or fetishes but there have been things my husband has asked for sexually that are hard boundaries for me. I handled it by countering with something I'm open to and willing to try or do again. 

I do think that it's super important to communicate kinks and fetishes with a wife/ partner as soon as they come up. No sense continuing with a relationship where no one is happy. Sadly, I think that's what eventually happens in situations with big sexual incompatibilities. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Steve1000 said:


> Your example is on the generous side because whether someone is a jerk is more subjective. Being bisexual or gay has an established universal requirement of same-sex attraction.


I know. I was trying to dumb-down my argument


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> Even if that man is not attracted to other men and is repulsed at the idea of being with another man?


I definitely see both sides here. To most guys, taking a rod up the rear seems gay. 

But if that's some kind of plastic implement, that's completely different than an actual live penis attached to a living, breathing man. Just because I can't see the appeal of the former, doesn't mean I have to lump it in with the latter. 

Two men can kiss or give hand jobs or have oral sex... doesn't mean that those activities are inherently gay. Really, the only inherently _heterosexual _activities are those which require both a penis _and _a vagina (or maybe a penis and breasts). Just because something isn't inherently heterosexual doesn't make it inherently homosexual. 

The one problem that remains undeniable is that, for many (most?) women, this would seem gay, or at least a turn off. I know if I was to suggest such a thing to my wife, it would irreversibly diminish me in her eyes. She wouldn't be wrong... her feelings are as legitimate as anyone else's on this matter. Fortunately, it's not something that appeals to me, so there's no disconnect there. Since this is not something we discussed prior to getting married, we may merely be fortunate that we have the same feelings about this topic ... or maybe the fact that our inherent feelings are similar in this area, even unspoken, are reflected in our personalities/vibe/aura or whatever, and that facilitated our being drawn together for the long term rather than just a few dates.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> You see no reason he should be denied? So by marriage you are required to give in to everything your partner asks of you? By your logic I should just demand my wife find another hot Asian girl and they both blow me. After all, that is my fantasy. But your argument is going to be against another person in the bedroom... So between me and my wife alone I can demand she takes a steaming dump on my chest and then lick it off of me while she jerks me off and she has to comply because I made the commitment to only have sex with her and that is what turns me on sexually?
> 
> You CAN'T force an adult to do something they don't want to do. I dont care who they are and what other commitments you have made to that person. Trying to manipulate another person to do something they don't want to do is sick, dare I say evil.
> 
> You can boohoo and throw a fit like a child all you want. If the person says no, tough chit. So you instead take the manipulative approach eh? Try and manipulate someone to conforming to your own ideas on how life should work. That is reprehensible behaviour. Grounds for divorce as far as I'm concerned.


Agreed. And I'll take it a step further. If she acquiesces and performs as requested despite her misgivings, while some may see that as a sign of love, I see it as sad that someone would take pleasure in someone he supposedly loves doing something she despises.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

FeministInPink did not make herself look dumb. Her effort was well applied.

My wife *is* bisexual, and she was caned for her feelings when she was twelve years old. She was abused and broken, and one of the things they taught her during Conversion Therapy was that any oral sex was a sign of homosexuality.

Labeling is dumb. If someone wants to be labeled, fine, but for someone to say some activity which has no bearing on sexual orientation at all means something about someone's sexual orientation is just... dumb.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Two men can kiss or give hand jobs or have oral sex... doesn't mean that those activities are inherently gay. Really, the only inherently _heterosexual _activities are those which require both a penis _and _a vagina (or maybe a penis and breasts). Just because something isn't inherently heterosexual doesn't make it inherently homosexual.


Some men find a prostrate massage to be pleasurable and they say that they are not attracted to other men. I have no reason to not take them at their word. Therefore I conclude that enjoying this type of stimulation is enjoyable for what it is and is not connected with being gay or an 'abhorrent sinner in the eyes of the Lord!'. 

I do think though that you example of two men kissing or engaged in a sexual activity is a strong indicator that they are gay unless they are being forced to do so.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> I do think though that you example of two men kissing or engaged in a sexual activity is a strong indicator that they are gay unless they are being forced to do so.


Right: it's not _what _they are doing, but rather _with whom_.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Steve1000 said:
> 
> 
> > Even if that man is not attracted to other men and is repulsed at the idea of being with another man?
> ...


Qft! The fact that people are pretending their idea of what sexuality should look like should be facts for everyone else is beyond me. I see a lot of people rationalizing their own preferences and trying to make an argument that everyone else should feel the same way that they do. Thus I keep making extreme examples to prove nobody is allowed to dictate their own feelings on a subject to another person. That is deplorable behaviour and a sick mindset. Just because I think its gay for a man to take a dildo up the ass, and you dont doesn't really matter. We can agree to disagree, because to me it is indeed gay. If you think its fine, ok. I can still think less of you for it, just as you can think less of me for my opinion and I dont really care what your opinion is of me. The fact remains the same regarless, you cant force someone or manipulate someone with false rationalizations as to what is right and wrong when you are speaking about personal opinions.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Lila said:


> Thanks for answering FIP. I do agree this is such a catch 22 for both partners. If both partners are not in agreement then someone is going to either get their feelings hurt (the rejected partner) or feel resentment (the partner with the hard boundary).
> 
> My husband and I haven't run into serious kinks or fetishes but there have been things my husband has asked for sexually that are hard boundaries for me. I handled it by countering with something I'm open to and willing to try or do again.
> 
> I do think that it's super important to communicate kinks and fetishes with a wife/ partner as soon as they come up. No sense continuing with a relationship where no one is happy. Sadly, I think that's what eventually happens in situations with big sexual incompatibilities.


Well, and here's the other thing... boundaries have a tendency to change over time. Not because of coercion, but because we grow and evolve over time.

In reality, there are only a few hard boundaries, and the rest of it is various shades of grey (horrible pun/movie reference NOT intended, but there it is) that are negotiable over time. What you (or I!) say is a hard boundary now may be open to negotiation 5 years down the line. Sometimes the boundaries change when you have a new partner, because you trust the new partner more or less than previous partners.

My guess is that the OP is hoping this will happen with his wife. It does sometimes happen. He could ask her to indulge in some very light kink, to see if she likes it... if she does, incorporate it until it feels vanilla to her, and then maybe you could try something else.

The problem I see for the OP is that a lot of women tend to fall on the submissive side... if there's a dominant in her, that dynamic would probably already be playing out in their bedroom. And when you have two people who want to be the submissive, they have to agree to switch, or no one ever gets what they want.
@Lila, without having the full detail, it sounded like you handled the request with your hubby pretty well. I give you a gold star for negotiating 

Regarding your last statement, I've encountered a lot of divorced people in the kink community. Real Estate and I are both divorced, and we both had a lot of sexual incompatibility with our former spouses. There tend to be two types of divorcees you meet in the kink community: 1) Those who divorced due to sexual incompatibilities, and who want to find kink in their next relationship (or non-relationship), who want to be active in the kink community, and who tend to stay in the community long-term; and 2) Those who are checking it out because they might be into it, or they've heard that it's easy to get sex in the kink community, and they're willing to try the kink to get the sex, and when they find out it's not really like that, they tend to drift away. The second group usually don't cite sexual incompatibility as a reason for divorce.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Only men have a penis. Women dont have the ability to **** you in the ass... But another man does.


You didn't really answer my question so I will assume that you think that men can be bisexual or gay if they do not want to be with other men, but do want to have anal stimulation by their girlfriend or wife. I don't think that this is a gay/straight issue. 

I do agree with you that the OP should completely accept that his wife does not want to do this.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Its true for you if someone is a jerk. That is your perception of them. My perception is a man who engages in being banged in the butthole is they are gay or bisexual. You don't have to agree with me, but your opinion isnt any more valid than mine. Same with your opinion of bob being a jerk when others think he's not. Bob is a douche in your world. Guys who take it up the bum are gay in my world.


Except there is such a thing as objective truth. Not everything someone believes is simply an opinion. Some things are facts whether you agree with them or not. 

Homosexuality is about whether not someone wants to have sex with someone of their same gender or not. If a man is not attracted to men, he is not a homosexual. It's as simple as that. And that's a fact.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

WilliamM said:


> FeministInPink did not make herself look dumb. Her effort was well applied.
> 
> My wife *is* bisexual, and she was caned for her feelings when she was twelve years old. She was abused and broken, and one of the things they taught her during Conversion Therapy was that any oral sex was a sign of homosexuality.
> 
> Labeling is dumb. If someone wants to be labeled, fine, but for someone to say some activity which has no bearing on sexual orientation at all means something about someone's sexual orientation is just... dumb.


Thank you, sir. You are a scholar and a gentleman.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Effectivily making you look dumb in the process. Just saying


My, my. You are just the epitome of polite discourse, aren't you?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Qft! The fact that people are pretending their idea of what sexuality should look like should be facts for everyone else is beyond me. I see a lot of people rationalizing their own preferences and trying to make an argument that everyone else should feel the same way that they do. Thus I keep making extreme examples to prove nobody is allowed to dictate their own feelings on a subject to another person. That is deplorable behaviour and a sick mindset. Just because I think its gay for a man to take a dildo up the ass, and you dont doesn't really matter. We can agree to disagree, because to me it is indeed gay. If you think its fine, ok. I can still think less of you for it, just as you can think less of me for my opinion and I dont really care what your opinion is of me. The fact remains the same regarless, you cant force someone or manipulate someone with false rationalizations as to what is right and wrong when you are speaking about personal opinions.


No one has said that you can't have your personal opinions. You have the right to have your own definition of what being gay means. I can also say that wanting to be pegged means that that person is a Lutheran. However, I would then accept that I would probably be challenged for stating that is what a Lutheran is.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

CynthiaDe said:


> TheDudeLebowski said:
> 
> 
> > Its true for you if someone is a jerk. That is your perception of them. My perception is a man who engages in being banged in the butthole is they are gay or bisexual. You don't have to agree with me, but your opinion isnt any more valid than mine. Same with your opinion of bob being a jerk when others think he's not. Bob is a douche in your world. Guys who take it up the bum are gay in my world.
> ...


Not true. Biologically sexual intercourse is piv in order to produce offspring. That is really the only reason for it scientifically. Need I go onto the specifics of how our horomones and the chemicals in our body work? Because I can if that is what it takes. 

I can relate this to drug use. Why do I want to eat psilocybin mushrooms? Buecause it causes a chemical reaction in my body that I find pleasurable. But don't believe my preferences to pleasure should align with everyone else's. 

So the objective truth is sex is designed to be PIV. Anyone pretending their kink is something other than a kink is blinded by their own feelings and preferences for sexual pleasure. If piv sex is the only objective truth, a man taking it up the butt can be considered something else. Which in my world is defined as gay. Weather or not it is a man sticking objects up another man's ass.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

A few thoughts.

I don't see the point of the gay / not gay discussion. What is gained by trying to apply a small number of labels to the wide range of human sexual behavior. 


For the "she gets nothing out of it" comments: For me, and I think a lot of people, pleasing your partner is FUN!. There are lots of things that I enjoy doing for my wife because SHE enjoys it. I also want her to do things for me, but watching your partner go wild with pleasure is a great thing. Also, as others have mentioned, women can get something out of pegging.

Lots of people watch porn and get aroused by watching strangers have sex. Isn't watching your partner get off a lot better?

As far as pegging specifically? I see it as kinky, but not really out there. I see it as much the same sort of thing as handcuffs, leather, whips, stiletto heels, etc. All good fun IMHO as long as its not the only thing someone wants to do. Seems like a perfectly reasonable way to add some variety. 

I view sex as play. Something a couple does together, and in general more variety is good. Both don't need to love doing everything, but pleasing your partner is so much fun, why not play to their kinks.

Now if someone finds their partner's kink really disturbing, then of course its OK to turn them down. I recommend though that if possible to give it a try. You may discover that you actually enjoy it. OR - it not at all unusual to discover that your kink isn't nearly as much fun in reality as in fantasy and that after trying it once or twice, its not something you want to repeat. 

When a kink is painful to the other partner, things are different. But stuff like pegging isn't uncomfortable to the person doing it, so why not give it a try?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

uhtred said:


> A few thoughts.
> 
> I don't see the point of the gay / not gay discussion. What is gained by trying to apply a small number of labels to the wide range of human sexual behavior.
> 
> ...


The point in defining something one thing or another is to define your own boundaries. You are doing the same thing I'm accusing everyone else of doing, trying to rationalize why you think your sexual preferences or kinks should be universally accepted by everyone else. You trying to somehow manipulate the conversation in a way to get whatever it is you want. And when someone sets a hard boundary, you trying to apply manipulative tactics to get another person to change their mind, to cross their boundaries. You are trying to get someone to be ok with doing something they dont want to do with something as intimate and personal as sex. You are trying to pull one over on someone else for your own personal gain where the other person feels only disgust and contempt.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> A few thoughts.
> 
> I don't see the point of the gay / not gay discussion. What is gained by trying to apply a small number of labels to the wide range of human sexual behavior.


Because it may be relevant. Some people are open to wide-ranging and even bisexual partners; some are not. For many straight people, gay things (or things that appear gay) are a sexual turnoff. Many (most?) women want their men to be classic, old school, straight up straight with nary a hint of gayness. For my wife, just talking with a lisp, throwing my hip to the side, or dropping my wrist in an impression, is disturbing--even though she knows its just a lark. If I was to ask for it up the butt, that'd be the end (so to speak). It seems a few women on this thread feel the same way. 

So whether or not something is gay, or even seems gay, is relevant to the discussion. And we can acknowledge that without judging homosexuality or homosexual tendencies in a negative light--it just is what it is. If what it is, is a disconnect within a couple, it needs to be faced head on, not shied away from.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I know what you are saying - but I really don't think its that easy to apply some of these labels.

Is at least on partner in a 3-some gay? Is being pegged gay? If so is any prostate simulation gay? Is watching BJ porn gay because a lot of what you are looking at is a penis? Or watching HJ porn where you can't see the person attached to the hands to know their gender?

Your wife doesn't want you "throwing your hip to the side" or "talking with a lisp", or "dropping your wrist". That's fine, but you know that a lot of gay men are not effeminate, but instead hyper-masculine: Work out to get huge muscles, extremely macho. Wear cowboy boots and drive pickups. 

I don't know where the idea of effeminate gay men came from - there are a lot of gay men who go completely the opposite direction. (either is fine BTW). 

Rock Hudson, one of the classic old school manly actors and considered highly attractive to women was ...... gay. 


Similarly not all lesbians have tattoos and ride motorcycles - some do and thats fine too.









Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Because it may be relevant. Some people are open to wide-ranging and even bisexual partners; some are not. For many straight people, gay things (or things that appear gay) are a sexual turnoff. Many (most?) women want their men to be classic, old school, straight up straight with nary a hint of gayness. For my wife, just talking with a lisp, throwing my hip to the side, or dropping my wrist in an impression, is disturbing--even though she knows its just a lark. If I was to ask for it up the butt, that'd be the end (so to speak). It seems a few women on this thread feel the same way.
> 
> So whether or not something is gay, or even seems gay, is relevant to the discussion. And we can acknowledge that without judging homosexuality or homosexual tendencies in a negative light--it just is what it is. If what it is, is a disconnect within a couple, it needs to be faced head on, not shied away from.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I suppose speaking to the unreasonable prejudices of ignorant people may be applicable. After all, people are, unfortunately, everywhere. And highly prejudiced. Especially in regards to anything which may be associated with homosexuality.

As I mentioned, back in 1967 oral sex was considered by many to be a homosexual act, and a man asking a wife to give head was considered by her church to be a definite sign of a man having homosexual tendencies. A woman wanting to receive oral sex was proof to her church that woman was a lesbian.

This is just more of the same irrational prejudice.

People are full of such things.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

David51 said:


> but still I think we should all try to do whatever our partner wants as long as it is just us and doesn’t involve a midget or donkey
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Even if the thought of a particular act turns my stomach I should try it just because my husband wants it? And vice versa?? REALLY??? Um. NO.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

frusdil said:


> Even if the thought of a particular act turns my stomach I should try it just because my husband wants it? And vice versa?? REALLY??? Um. NO.




It might be interesting to examine why something as tame as prostate stimulation is so offensive to you.
Let’s face it there comes a point in time if you are together with the same person long enough, sex is going to get boring. People need to be open to different stuff....imo


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

frusdil said:


> David51 said:
> 
> 
> > but still I think we should all try to do whatever our partner wants as long as it is just us and doesn?t involve a midget or donkey
> ...


Yeah I guess you should be made to try it. Evidently your sexual preference to not want to bang your husband in the ass with a strap on means you are ignorant and irrationally prejudice against all things homosexual. It has nothing to do with your personal boundaries, you are just a bad person apparently. The sexually "enlightened" have spoken. You must conform to their way of thinking or be called irrational and a bigot.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

I personally don’t see why his wife would give a flat out No to him wanting to be pegged. If she thinks it isn’t manly, that is just stupid as IMO it takes a man who is extremely secure in his masculinity to ask to receive anal sex from, pegging. 
We are not talking about having an orgy or what some of you think about W to H anal. We are suppose to be giving constructive advise.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

David51 said:


> I personally don?t see why his wife would give a flat out No to him wanting to be pegged. If she thinks it isn?t manly, that is just stupid as IMO it takes a man who is extremely secure in his masculinity to ask to receive anal sex from, pegging.
> We are not talking about having an orgy or what some of you think about W to H anal. We are suppose to be giving constructive advise.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Constructive advice was given. She said no. Now he is trying to manipulate the situation. The constructive advice I gave was tough chit, stop trying to manipulate your wife. If she doesn't want to do it, figure out how you can satisfy your own need in that area. Once it turned into other people giving him ammo for his manipulation tactics, I fought back against it, including your own manipulation tactics and attempts to rationalize the OPs manipulation of his wife into doing something she doesn't want to do. 

People are allowed to have boundaries and opinions. Trying to say their opinion or boundary is somehow invalid because you don't agree with it is horse chit


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Ill give another example. I smoke pot. Some people are adamantly against drug use and it is a deal breaker or would make them think less of me at the least or not want to have anything to do with me at all. So be it. My life, my choice. Their life, their choice. They absolutely have the right to judge me as a pot smoking good for nothing hippy or whatever label they wish to stamp me with. I really dont care what you, or my wife, or anyone else thinks of me. My choice. But I'm not about to try and manipulate others to conform to my way of thinking. 

Conversly, if I suddenly and unexpectedly announced to my wife I want to smoke pot and I've never expressed that to her before in our long marriage, she absolutely has the right to judge me for it and if her judgement of pot smoking is something only degenerates do, she is justified in losing respect for me and thinking differently of me for it, even divorcing me. 

Now that example is really only involving me in my own decisions to do with my body as I please for my own pleasure. Compare that to asking your wife to peg you. You are asking another person to be involved with your own pleasure. Maybe they will be for it. Or just maybe, they will think that is about as gay sounding as it gets without actual physical contact with another man. They lose respect and think differently of you. Who is right? Is she not allowed to have her own feelings on the subject? What kind of husband flips the narrative like this after years of being straight and narrow, then bashes and tries to manipulate his own wife into giving in to his new way of thinking and expressing himself? A POS, that is who. Is she not allowed to say no? Are you trying to control your wife's instincts and thoughts by manipulation? Yes, you are doing just that. She is understanding enough to listen, give a polite no, and not drop you right then and there. Can you really expect more than that if you cross a deal breaker boundary with your spouse? That is being as forgiving and excepting as I can think of. Perhaps she will even buy you your own dildo to take care of that need yourself. To expect more than that out of someone not in tune with your way of thinking is incredibly selfish.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> I know what you are saying - but I really don't think its that easy to apply some of these labels.
> 
> Is at least on partner in a 3-some gay? Is being pegged gay? If so is any prostate simulation gay? Is watching BJ porn gay because a lot of what you are looking at is a penis? Or watching HJ porn where you can't see the person attached to the hands to know their gender?
> 
> ...


I agree labels can be misleading. And they may be in this case as well. My point was that if something appears gay, it will be a sexual turnoff for many women. 

Of course there are very masculine gay men including ruggedly handsome actors and even professional athletes. And there are even a few effeminate but straight men. But while few gay men are effeminate, most truly effeminate men are gay, so that’s where the stereotype comes from. That doesn’t change the perception or how a straight woman may react to an effeminate man.

As for the threesome, it depends on the interaction. If two men are completely focusing on the woman with no contact either each other, they may both be perfectly straight. But if they directly engage in sexual contact with each other, they are at least bi.

The porn question is silly. The guy watching a (heterosexual) bj isn’t “watching a penis,” he’s watching what the 👄 is doing to the penis.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OT, but I wonder if most effeminate men are gay. I haven't seen many and didn't know their orientation. 

The gay men I know are either just typical guys or the more macho sort.

Funny story - when my (future) wife and I were first dating, here parents had met me and some of her other friends. They were not very impressed with me, but they very much thought she should date "Greg". 

This was in the 80s. Greg was a fairly well known gay activist.....





Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> snip
> But while few gay men are effeminate, most truly effeminate men are gay, so that’s where the stereotype comes from.
> snip


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

David51 said:


> It might be interesting to examine why something as tame as prostate stimulation is so offensive to you.
> Let’s face it there comes a point in time if you are together with the same person long enough, sex is going to get boring. People need to be open to different stuff....imo
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Whether or not this is “tame” is quite in the eye of the beholder. Inserting something in a rectum is anything but “tame” for many people. Many feel that particular orifice should have an “exit only” sign. For some, serious bondage or a threesome would be more “tame” than pegging. This is all quite individualized. You judging OPs wife in this way is as bad as anybody judging OP for wanting to be pegged.

Which brings us back to the central theme of this discussion. OP and his wife don’t see eye to eye on pegging. It doesn’t mean either one is either right or wrong, only that they have a disconnect on this topic. It may be negotiated... or not. That is up to them. But trying to badger one into thinking like the other will not fix anything.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

uhtred said:


> OT, but I wonder if most effeminate men are gay. I haven't seen many and didn't know their orientation.
> 
> The gay men I know are either just typical guys or the more macho sort.
> 
> ...


I know a lot of gay men, and they come in all manner of types of presentations.

The one thing I've noticed, because I've known a number of these guys before they came out... it's not unusual for a guy to come out and go full on flaming gay. I think because they're just super excited to finally be out. After a while, they settle into their new identity as an out gay men, and they generally reach some middle ground, once they've figured out for them what it means to them to be living out and once they are more comfortable in this new reality. The more effeminate gay men, from my experience, tend to be younger (they're known as "twinks")... I think it's a little bit of a sign of insecurity on some level, and wanting to prove they belong. Maybe they think they need to act that way, because of the gay stereotype perpetuated by popular culture. Eventually, they figure out they don't have to change themselves to fit a particular model, they can just be themselves.

I could be way off, but that's the way as I see it as an outsider... who has a lot of gay friends and has spent a lot of time in gay clubs.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Ok, I feel bad for the OP. We really need to get this thread back on topic. I have a feeling that a mod is going to come in at any minute and scrub the last four pages.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> uhtred said:
> 
> 
> > OT, but I wonder if most effeminate men are gay. I haven't seen many and didn't know their orientation.
> ...


As an outsider and straight man who too has a lot of gay friends and incidently has only ever been to a gay club and no other club, I can tell you I think its about 50/50. 

One thing I find interesting is that "twinks" are attracted to masculine gay men and vise versa. And feminine lesbians are attracted to butch wolverine steel toe boots wearing lesbians and vise versa. Just the same as straight couples tend to be mostly attracted to their opposites. 

I'm a big yin and yang guy myself in every aspect of my life. I think this is fairly universal for the vast majority of people.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its off topic, but maybe not way off topic. What the OP wants is clearly perceived by some people as "gay". His wife may well see it that way as well. 

I think its interesting -I've never thought of pegging as anything other than yet another random kink. It wouldn't have occurred to me that some people would find it so disturbing. This may be new information to the OP as well. 



FeministInPink said:


> Ok, I feel bad for the OP. We really need to get this thread back on topic. I have a feeling that a mod is going to come in at any minute and scrub the last four pages.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frusdil said:


> Even if the thought of a particular act turns my stomach I should try it just because my husband wants it? And vice versa?? REALLY??? Um. NO.


Agreed, part of loving our spouse is surely not pressuring them or manipulating them to do something which to them is just not right. I would never do that. If he did it to me I would lose respect for him as well. Marriage is supposed to be putting the other first especially if they have already said several times that they are really uncomfortable with something. 
To imply all sort of things about them just because they have certain boundaries is very wrong. 
Being resentful and angry is self defeating. She may just stop wanting to have sex with you at all if you carry on with this attitude. 

Stop the porn and think of your wife for a change.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

David51 said:


> It might be interesting to examine why something as tame as prostate stimulation is so offensive to you.
> Let’s face it there comes a point in time if you are together with the same person long enough, sex is going to get boring. People need to be open to different stuff....imo
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


For all people what that 'stuff' is, is different. I thankfully have a husband who is no more interested in anal sex that I am. For both of us its a real turn off. 
BTW we still really enjoy sex after 12 years and its not boring at all, even without such 'kinks'.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

At least he brought the proposal to his wife before he takes it elsewhere if that is his decision. I imagine there are women that find this exciting and be happy to oblige. I just find it sad when a man or a woman has to satisfy theirsexual needs outside of their marriage (if this is what he decides to do)


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

David51 said:


> At least he brought the proposal to his wife before he takes it elsewhere if that is his decision. I imagine there are women that find this exciting and be happy to oblige. I just find it sad when a man or a woman has to satisfy theirsexual needs outside of their marriage (if this is what he decides to do)
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Why can't he shove a dildo up his rear and be happy with that? 

If you are the type to not only try and manipulate your spouse, but also the type to step outside of your marriage, you simply aren't marriage material anyway. What is worse is your post has an air of justification for the man or woman who cheats on their spouse. 

I just find it sad when a TAMer is so self centered they can justify an affair.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

David51 said:


> At least he brought the proposal to his wife before he takes it elsewhere if that is his decision. I imagine there are women that find this exciting and be happy to oblige. I just find it sad when a man or a woman has to satisfy theirsexual needs outside of their marriage (if this is what he decides to do)
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


They don't have to, they choose to.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Why can't he shove a dildo up his rear and be happy with that?
> 
> If you are the type to not only try and manipulate your spouse, but also the type to step outside of your marriage, you simply aren't marriage material anyway. What is worse is your post has an air of justification for the man or woman who cheats on their spouse.
> 
> I just find it sad when a TAMer is so self centered they can justify an affair.


Yes, completely selfish. Marriage is about being unselfish and thinking of the other spouses feelings. Its not all about me, me, me and what 'I' want. 
Of course people will always try and justify cheating, or manipulating their husband or wife. 
Honestly if I suggested something to my husband and he felt really uncomfortable about it, it just wouldn't bother me. I love and respect him far too much to let it make me angry or try and pour on the guilt trip or make out that he is not open minded or selfish( because he isn't). 

My advise, stop the porn.What you dont see you wont get in a state over. 

This thread makes me even more grateful for such an easy going, patient and laid back husband who hasn't got a manipulative bone in his body.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Your wife did NOT sign up for your new "pegging" obsession.

You asked , she said no.

What if she suddenly developed a kink known as "poultry"

She saw this online and gazillions of people are a fan.

She also is curious about "bovine"

And last but not least- she is kinking over horses. Plenty of websites for that fun and sexy kink.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think that if you don't happen to have any non-traditional (eg kinky) sexual interests, its difficult to understand. Its also difficult for kinky people to really understand those who are happy with only doing a limited set of traditional activities. 

Nothing wrong with either, but the incompatibility is really difficult.

If you enjoy receiving oral, imagine if your husband said he never wanted to do that again, thought using his mouth was gross. Maybe the same about using fingers. Imagine if he though that sex should consist of hugs and kisses, then penetration because that is what is "natural". 








Diana7 said:


> For all people what that 'stuff' is, is different. I thankfully have a husband who is no more interested in anal sex that I am. For both of us its a real turn off.
> BTW we still really enjoy sex after 12 years and its not boring at all, even without such 'kinks'.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Oh! Forgot the My Little Pony kink site.

Maybe instead of "pegging" you can suggest that kink.

Totally normal for the MLP kink.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

This could have been written by many of us. Thanks for letting us know, that we aren't the only ones with thi issue.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

leon2100 said:


> This could have been written by many of us. Thanks for letting us know, that we aren't the only ones with thi issue.


No one is judging your kink.

Go kink away to your hearts content with your particular members that enjoy your kink.

It is not difficult.

Totally and completely unfair, abusive and nasty to guilt your partner into submitting to your kink when They Want Nothing To do With It.

I love broccoli , I just developed that love, and I'm going to make you eat it and if you don't - I'm going to post away about how unloving you are cause you won't eat it. If you really LOVED ME you would eat broccoli.and love Broccoli.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

But where is the boarder. 

I have a wife who thinks giving BJs is not normal. Is wanting a BJ an unreasonable kink? 






sandcastle said:


> No one is judging your kink.
> 
> Go kink away to your hearts content with your particular members that enjoy your kink.
> 
> ...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> I think that if you don't happen to have any non-traditional (eg kinky) sexual interests, its difficult to understand. Its also difficult for kinky people to really understand those who are happy with only doing a limited set of traditional activities.
> 
> Nothing wrong with either, but the incompatibility is really difficult.
> 
> If you enjoy receiving oral, imagine if your husband said he never wanted to do that again, thought using his mouth was gross. Maybe the same about using fingers. Imagine if he though that sex should consist of hugs and kisses, then penetration because that is what is "natural".


Honestly, he and my marriage are far more important to me than if he will or wont do one thing that I asked for. I would just let it go and be very thankful for such a good man and the good sex we do have. 

If you want to do things that would be to many 'kinky,' or for many others a complete no no, then you need to make that known when you marry. People say, well you change, but most people today have been living together for several years before they marry, so to me that doesn't wash. 

I have never heard good healthy and varied sex described as 'traditional,' but there is so much you can do without some of the weirder desires/kinks that some here have.

I have to wonder what sort of porn they are watching to get these ideas, of course you can watch all sort of skewed/violent/offensive/sick/bizarre/crazy/dangerous things on line these days sadly.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

uhtred said:


> But where is the boarder.
> 
> I have a wife who thinks giving BJs is not normal. Is wanting a BJ an unreasonable kink?


My wife also didn't want to do that up until a three-month period earlier this year in which she was given a daily dose of testosterone. During that period, it was no longer something unpleasant and she surprised me with it most weeks. Unfortunately, the treatment period finished and it's back to being an unpleasant kink. We are a product of our chemical makeup.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

uhtred said:


> But where is the boarder.
> 
> I have a wife who thinks giving BJs is not normal. Is wanting a BJ an unreasonable kink?


It's unreasonable to your wife. You don't have to like it and you don't have to stay in the relationship but you also can't manipulate her into breaking her boundaries because you think a particular sex act is so common as to be required. That's not how sexual relationships work. You know that. It's about finding a compatible partner to mutually share enjoyable sex. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Fair enough, but often people don't really know their partner's sexual interests all that well before they get married.

There is also a fuzzy line between finding a particular sexual act so repulsive that you don't want to do it, and being sexually selfish where you only want to engage in activities that you particularly enjoy. 

The second can be OK if there is enough overlap in things that both actively enjoy, but it rules out a lot of thing for many people - not just oral, but massages, simulation with fingers etc. If the couple disagrees on their favorite position, it may even eliminate intercourse. 


I've never pressured my spouse much, and have stopped completely. Our sex acts are not down the set of things that she personally enjoys - most of which I do to please her. If I decide not to let things be unbalanced / unfair, we would never have any form of intimacy beyond kissing.


In the other direction of course things can go too far and someone can be pressured into doing something that they really don't want. 





Lila said:


> It's unreasonable to your wife. You don't have to like it and you don't have to stay in the relationship but you also can't manipulate her into breaking her boundaries because you think a particular sex act is so common as to be required. That's not how sexual relationships work. You know that. It's about finding a compatible partner to mutually share enjoyable sex.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

uhtred said:


> But where is the boarder.
> 
> I have a wife who thinks giving BJs is not normal. Is wanting a BJ an unreasonable kink?


Did you not figure out that BJ aversion BEFORE you put a ring on it?

This whole topic is confusing.

Guy meets girl, they get married and he suddenly decides he wants to get pegged and the wife is hell No I'm not strapping on and doing you in the ass and this OP is Whining and sad and feeling unloved, not listened to, sexual needs unmet and I deserve to be happy bull****.

Go get pegged by a pegger, OP- just have the decency to tell the mother of your children you want to live as a pegger and let her divorce your pegged ass.

Gross.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> My wife also didn't want to do that up until a three-month period earlier this year in which she was given a daily dose of testosterone. During that period, it was no longer something unpleasant and she surprised me with it most weeks. Unfortunately, the treatment period finished and it's back to being an unpleasant kink. We are a product of our chemical makeup.


I am not sure that is the case with most people, we all have things that to us are not right. We all have boundaries of things that we just wouldn't do, that make us feel so uncomfortable. I am not sure that is often down to chemicals. 

Thankfully my husband and I seem to agree on the things that are ok and not ok for us, and we didn't have sex before marriage. 
Forcing someone to do something will damage the marriage and their respect for their partners.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

sandcastle said:


> Did you not figure out that BJ aversion BEFORE you put a ring on it?
> 
> This whole topic is confusing.
> 
> ...


Agreed. Strapping on a penis shaped contraption and taking the mans role in the sex act in his anus is way too far for most women I suspect. 
To think that anyone would even think of ending a marriage over this is crazy, and just goes to show his little we think of marriage today and how selfish we have become. Also how porn is distorting the sex act and skewing peoples desires. Its very sad.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

whobbb said:


> while there are a few other positive/neutral though short replies, I appreciate this post the most. An obviously informed and obviously non-judgmental attempt to provide actual advice, help and context for it.
> 
> I'm actually surprised, though should actually be not surprised by a whole lot of the posts here, that weren't able to comprehend the basis of the initial post and just lash out for their own inexplicable reasons...
> 
> ...


I think the reason you're so bitter is because you know no one, not here and not on reddit, will give you the answer you want to hear to the question you are asking - how do you manipulate your wife into agreeing to your kink?. Most people who post on Reddit' s sex and sexover30 forums are incredibly sex positive and open to kinks however they are also the first to tell you that everyone has a right to do what they want or do not want with their bodies. No one is entitled to have their kinks fulfilled by an unwilling partner, not by threat, not by guilt, and definitely not by manipulation. 

Had you just said you were venting, you would have received a wholly different set of responses. Instead you chose to justify your righteousness in having your kinks fulfilled at the expense of your wife's objection. That's unacceptable to most people

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

[/url]via Imgflip Meme Generator[/IMG]


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Like many couples, we had very little sex before marriage. I assumed it would change. I expect many people get married thinking (but really hoping based on no information) that their partners interests will change.


I have no problem with pegging if thats what he wants, but I do agree with others that there are clearly a lot of people who are deeply disturbed by it. 







sandcastle said:


> Did you not figure out that BJ aversion BEFORE you put a ring on it?
> 
> This whole topic is confusing.
> 
> ...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

David51 said:


> It might be interesting to examine why something as tame as prostate stimulation is so offensive to you. Let’s face it there comes a point in time if you are together with the same person long enough, sex is going to get boring. People need to be open to different stuff....imo
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I wasn't actually thinking of that pegging when I wrote my comment...but yeah, I wouldn't do that either. 

I would consider something that I didn't particularly like, if my husband wanted me to, as long as it didn't cause me pain or turn my stomach. I will NOT do something that turns my stomach or hurts me. Absolutely not. I would never expect my husband to do that either.




uhtred said:


> But where is the boarder.
> 
> I have a wife who thinks giving BJs is not normal. Is wanting a BJ an unreasonable kink?


To your wife, yes it is. It doesn't mean that you wanting BJ's is unreasonable though. Everyone is different. But it does mean that you can't bully her into doing it (not saying you are).


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Okay, OP, if you are still lurking?

FIP was right, a lot of people don't discover kink until later in life. And, as you have seen, the majority of non-kinksters are going to jump on your ass and tell you that you are wrong. Put them on "Ignore". It is the single most helpful tool on the internet.

With that out of the way, I will tell you that I am a lesbian who was introduced to kink later in life...but, now that I'm here, I can never go back to the vanilla hum-drum lifestyle.

Last weekend, I attended a kinkster Halloween party...and there was a couple present where the wife enthusiastically pegs her husband regularly with a dildo. The guy is totally hot, straight, in a traditionally straight male profession....and they love each other like crazy. They have adult kids and grandkids. I really admired the connection they had, it was totally hot.

With that said, I agree with the others who say your wife will not be on board with this

I encourage you to decide if this is a serious fetish. If it is, you need to say goodbye to your relationship...but trust me, the kinkiness that follows is way awesome.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Lila said:


> Based on what you wrote above, and having experienced it first hand in your marriage, it seems like the relationship is permanently damaged if one person brings up a kink in which the other person does not want to engage. Do you think there is a good way to reject a hard boundary request without hurting the feelings of the person doing the requesting?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


this is precisely why kinky sex is such a communications problem. You might fantasize about something, day in and day out, but for your entire life be afraid to ask for it.

About the only solution i have seen, there is an online kink quiz you BOTH take, and it reports back ONLY the kinky areas you overlap. i.e. a safe way to say "hey, i did not know you also wanted to be smothered in pepto bismol and wear an orange wig while having sex"

Interactive Sex Questionnaire for Couples | Mojo Upgrade


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

In case you are still around @whobbb I will throw in some of my thoughts and experiences.

At the end of the day I think your approach is a bit backwards and is not helped by poor communication. With you also not being assertive and not being a go getter, hence the "she isn't a mind reader" remark.

When I mention being backwards, I am referring to you purchasing some pegging related ephemera and exploring new things without her. Instead of taking her on that journey with you and purchasing such things, only if she has said she is willing.

Unless your wife is dominant and is wanting to be the driver of non-vanilla pursuits, the best way for you to potentially get there. Is for you to be very direct, assertive, confident, willing to lead and communicate effectively, without dismissing your wife's boundaries. While also not being whiney and passive aggressive about it when faced with limits, boundaries and rejection.

Going from zero to one hundred too fast does you no favours. To expect your wife to be up for what you want, when sexual communication has been lacking, while your activities have always been vanilla with frequency that isn't that high, is at best naive or at worst deliberate self sabotage.

Perhaps you might ask your wife to start walking with you before you ask her to start running with you when neither of you have run before.

For example before bringing out the strap on dildo and saying I would like you to peg me, when all anal activity has been off the table. You might have first asked her to consider giving you a prostate massage first, then if she is okay with that, after some practice then move onto other things like using phalli, and then get to pegging. All in stages, all after a level of comfort, familiarity and experience have been gained and shared.

Plus when you bring up such things, don't flog her with it, give her time to think about it, offer her information as well, yet down obsess over it either. Likewise don't shame her for not wanting to go there and don't let her shame you for wanting to go there.

The thing is though and this concerns me, you are also dismissive of her desire not to leave her comfort zone, while you also seem to not respect her limits and boundaries.

Plus this idea that one ought to try anything sexually for their partner is ridiculous. Your wife is an autonomous being with her own wants, desires, likes and dislikes. She is not your property and should not feel obliged to cater to any of your whims if they go against her wants, desires and limits.

No one and that includes your wife and mine, should feel compelled to do anything they are unwilling to do even under the guise of you don't know if you will like it unless you try it.

For example I will not do scat or piercing play for anyone no matter who they are and no matter how much they feel they need to do that and I know it's not my thing without trying it.

You would also do well to appreciate that like you, your wife has grown sexually. Just because that growth doesn't coincide with your desires or proclivities. Does not mean that she is any lesser than you, in what she wants and doesn't want sexually.

If your limits and desires aren't coincident with your wife, you should accept that and let it go, or you can offer her an out from being in a relationship with you if you do not accept letting it go.

That said I understand the fear associated with wanting to do things out of left field, and bringing up such things in conversation. From experience it is a big deal to lay oneself and ones desires bare, in the hopes that ones sexual partner will explore such things with you.

From that experience I recommend you establish great sexual communication first, you behave assertively and initiate sex more frequently (since your wife is not a mind reader) and you do things that generate sexual desire from your wife.

Then only when the above mentioned things have been established, you try to bring your wife with you in stages as her sexual comfort level expands. All while respecting her limits, so if she says no after you have explained yourself, respect that and do not try to coerce or cajole her.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> Well, and here's the other thing... boundaries have a tendency to change over time. Not because of coercion, but because we grow and evolve over time.


With my wife and I, it has evolved over time so we share more things now than we have done before.

When my wife and I first started having sex, she had never given a blow job and had only recently lost her virginity with a previous partner. Yet shortly afterwards, she was practiced at it and would swallow and take facials. Then I introduced fisting to her, then not long before we got married we started having anal sex with me penetrating her.

Then after we were married and after we had kids together, following affordable digital imaging, we started taking very explicit photos during sex and afterwards and sometimes capturing movies of the same as well.

Then my wife started prostate massage and anal play with rimming for me. Then we started using butt plugs and toys for both of us and got into (vagina and anal) double penetration for her as well.

Then in more recent years I started giving my wife golden showers (which also includes peeing in her mouth without her swallowing). Plus my wife now flashes me when we go out. Plus she will sometimes go out without knickers on, while wearing a dress to flash me and have sex outdoors in public places while we are out and about.

There are plenty of other things along the way as well, yet I figure you get the picture.

So much of what my wife and I share sexually, has been discussed and introduced through our marriage rather than before. While this will continue, since we have recently agreed to introduce some more new things through the coming months as well.

Yet this proclivity to introduce new things throughout our long lasting rich sex life, comes down to compatibility in that we both desire and trust one another while being very game.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> this is precisely why kinky sex is such a communications problem. You might fantasize about something, day in and day out, but for your entire life be afraid to ask for it.
> 
> About the only solution i have seen, there is an online kink quiz you BOTH take, and it reports back ONLY the kinky areas you overlap. i.e. a safe way to say "hey, i did not know you also wanted to be smothered in pepto bismol and wear an orange wig while having sex"
> 
> Interactive Sex Questionnaire for Couples | Mojo Upgrade


I think the best solution is to be confident and assertive, while owning your kinks without being afraid to share them with your sexual partners along the way.

If one is reticent to share their sexual proclivities whatever they are out of fear of rejection. They're hardly likely to inspire confidence in their partners, when wanting them to participate in such things.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Personal said:


> With my wife and I, it has evolved over time so we share more things now than we have done before.
> 
> When my wife and I first started having sex, she had never given a blow job and had only recently lost her virginity with a previous partner. Yet shortly afterwards, she was practiced at it and would swallow and take facials. Then I introduced fisting to her, then not long before we got married we started having anal sex with me penetrating her.
> 
> ...


This is a PERFECT example of boundaries changing and evolving over time.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

The thing about having a hole in your ass is that EVERYONE has one. And as far as I can tell, (which is also recorded across all history and in all cultures), lots and lots and LOTS of people like having something shoved in their ass. Orientation literally has nothing to do with it.

It is the one part of us that is genderless, and in some of us it also likes to get poked. Not everyone likes having it poked, but everyone does have one. Those who don't like it poked, no problem, but that doesn't have anything to do with orientation or gender, either. It is simply something LOTS of people enjoy and some don't.

How does liking having your ass poked make you gay when everyone has one and lots of people of all genders enjoy having it poked by any number of various means, body parts, objects, and playthings, whether solo or partnerned?

People need to get over the ass thing.

- - - - - 

Having said that, to the OP...sorry but you still can't make your wife enjoy the act of pegging you or even the thought of it. Your wanting to have it poked doesn't turn her on or make her want to be a part of it in that way.

Can you scale it back a bit and just ask her to finger it a little? I mean, zero talk about sex in your whole relationship and then straight to pegging is quite a leap for her.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> I am not sure that is the case with most people, we all have things that to us are not right. We all have boundaries of things that we just wouldn't do, that make us feel so uncomfortable. I am not sure that is often down to chemicals.
> 
> Thankfully my husband and I seem to agree on the things that are ok and not ok for us, and we didn't have sex before marriage.
> Forcing someone to do something will damage the marriage and their respect for their partners.


I agree about not forcing (or pressuring) our spouses to do something, especially regarding sex. I also wouldn't want my spouse to do something that crossed her boundaries or made her uncomfortable. 

Regarding chemical makeup, chemicals or not, I'm happy for you that you have a spouse that you're quite compatible with.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

She may feel any sort of anal sex play with men is wrong. My wife greatly enjoys anal play on her, but when I brought it up, was clearly unhappy about doing anything like that to me. 




Faithful Wife said:


> snip
> 
> 
> Can you scale it back a bit and just ask her to finger it a little? I mean, zero talk about sex in your whole relationship and then straight to pegging is quite a leap for her.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

ay when's the last time the OP has been around?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

toblerone said:


> ay when's the last time the OP has been around?


We seem to be carrying on perfectly well without him.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

toblerone said:


> ay when's the last time the OP has been around?


I'm guessing he left because he didn't get:

1. the magic words that would make his wife suddenly want to peg him 

or

2. universal, unmitigated sympathy for him and reinforcement of his belief that his wife is wrong.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personal said:


> With my wife and I, it has evolved over time so we share more things now than we have done before.
> 
> When my wife and I first started having sex, she had never given a blow job and had only recently lost her virginity with a previous partner. Yet shortly afterwards, she was practiced at it and would swallow and take facials. Then I introduced fisting to her, then not long before we got married we started having anal sex with me penetrating her.
> 
> ...


Some of those things you mention are illegal, for good reason. Do you not care about others around you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> I agree about not forcing (or pressuring) our spouses to do something, especially regarding sex. I also wouldn't want my spouse to do something that crossed her boundaries or made her uncomfortable.
> 
> Regarding chemical makeup, chemicals or not, I'm happy for you that you have a spouse that you're quite compatible with.


Yes putting pressure on our spouse who we are supposed to love is very wrong.

Fortunately we are both easy gong and easy to please people, especially him. He is a typical Aussie in that way. Also we don't do porn so are happy with normal healthy sex. From time to time I say to him, is there anything else that you want me to do or something different you want me to wear, and he says no I love what we do. Boy am I grateful for him especially since I came to this forum. 
I had no idea that people were so demanding and selfish when it came to sex.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

uhtred said:


> But where is the boarder.
> 
> I have a wife who thinks giving BJs is not normal. Is wanting a BJ an unreasonable kink?


My wife feels that my wanting a BJ is an unreasonable kink. 

Even though we discussed it prior to marriage, she thought it too intimate prior to marriage, but told me that after we were married she expected that our intimacy would grow and she would do it would become part of our sex life. 

She told me that the nuns had told her that while there were many things a woman should not do prior to marriage, after marriage, everything a husband and wife would do would be proper. Later, while is sex therapy to try to save our marriage she told me that the nuns had no idea how sick and perverted men/husbands could be.

Having asked for BJ's off and on over the course of my 46+ year marriage to this woman I really love, I have come to the conclusion that it is a hard boundary for her and I just don't press her on the issue. Yes, she promised, but she just can't do it. I really think at one time she thought she could change herself to do a BJ, but was never actually able (or wanted to enough) to try it.

As a fan of David Schnarch (Passonate Marriage) I see it as a failure on her part to be able to self sooth enough to do this fairly common sex act she has said she would do. 

Even though I used the world failure, it is her mind, her body and her hard boundary. It would not be right for me to try to force her to do something she doesn't want, any more than it would appropriate to have me sign up for some hypnosis sessions to make me disgusted of the idea of receiving a BJ.

While I am not going to waste any effort in pushing her to give me a BJ, If she asks, I will not deny that it is something I would like to experience with her and always have.

You can have a satisfying marriage if your partner does not want to do a specific kink you do, as long as the two of you have enough stuff you can do together.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Thanks, @Personal for some helpful posts that suggest a constructive way forward without coercing anyone...lots of projection and judgmental jerkiness on this thread.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Some of those things you mention are illegal, for good reason. Do you not care about others around you?


Of course we care about others, which is why nothing is ever revealed, without ensuring my wife won't be visible to anyone at all.

As to sex in public places, heaven forbid you ever dare to have sex while no one can see you when camping in a national park.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Cheers @Phil Anders, that said wowsers can't help but be wowsers. :wink2:


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Personal said:


> As to sex in public places, heaven forbid you ever dare to have sex while no one can see you when camping in a national park.


I don't think that's what people normally think of when someone says "sex in public places." That definitely threw me off as well. I was confused on how that made sense for someone who is normally reasonable and concerned for others. I'm glad you clarified.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Personal said:


> As to sex in public places, heaven forbid you ever dare to have sex while no one can see you when camping in a national park.


There should be a special stamp you can get on your National Parks Passport for that. 

Set a goal of filling the entire passport with the special stamp. :grin2:


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> There should be a special stamp you can get on your National Parks Passport for that.
> 
> Set a goal of filling the entire passport with the special stamp. :grin2:


Take Only Pictures

Leave Only Semen


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Pegged on Half Dome .


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Personal said:


> Then in more recent years I started giving my wife golden showers (which also includes peeing in her mouth without her swallowing).


I'm pretty open minded, but I'm a bit startled that some people actually enjoy this.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Steve1000 said:


> I'm pretty open minded, but I'm a bit startled that some people actually enjoy this.


Huge market for "portapotties"

People pay big bucks for a participant in this "kink"

Which means their SO is not up to the task for whatever reason.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

sounds like the perfect kink for someone with an enlarged prostate.

you don't have to get out of bed to get to the bathroom!


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

sandcastle said:


> Huge market for "portapotties"
> 
> People pay big bucks for a participant in this "kink"
> 
> Which means their SO is not up to the task for whatever reason.


I guess my wife is right: I really don't know everything.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Steve1000 said:


> I guess my wife is right: I really don't know everything.


Portapotties are kinda vanilla kink wise.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

YKIOKBINMK certainly applies to some of these. 




Steve1000 said:


> I'm pretty open minded, but I'm a bit startled that some people actually enjoy this.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

uhtred said:


> YKIOKBINMK certainly applies to some of these.


That's a long acronym. Why does everyone here seem to know all this stuff except me?!?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

your kink is OK but its not my kink. 




Steve1000 said:


> That's a long acronym. Why does everyone here seem to know all this stuff except me?!?


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

uhtred said:


> your kink is ok but its not my kink.


skajfot


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

sandcastle said:


> skajfot


Some kinks are just ¥£€>#%out there.

Can we not get started with the
I'm in love with my Goat and My Goat loves me kink?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> I don't think that's what people normally think of when someone says "sex in public places." That definitely threw me off as well. I was confused on how that made sense for someone who is normally reasonable and concerned for others. I'm glad you clarified.


Well thus far my wife and I have only done it in our car once at night while parked in a deserted parking spot in a bush area. Then while out and about we have done it away from a road and some tracks with a tremendous vista in mountains. Plus while living on the edge of the outback for 4 years, we could drive in some directions and never see another human being at all through half a day or even a few days sometimes, until we returned to our home so having sex in public places was and is fine.

My wife still talks about us spontaneously stopping while driving on some fire trails, parking the car and heading off track to sex outdoors with a spectacular view. The nice thing is we have this awesome sexual tension when we walk around or drive around looking for somewhere to have at it, even if it turns out there are people around or potentially people around and we take it home instead.

That said doing this with my wife has only been through the last few years.

When I was 16-18 it was very different with it being not uncommon for my friends and I to get with our fellow 16-18 year olds. So absent places of our own, rooms or tents at parties were fair game even if some friends were in that tent or room as well regardless of whether they were at it themselves or not. Likewise if one wanted a bit of privacy during a party, a walk to a nearby park or down the back garden in the dark was de rigueur.

I remember at one party when I was 16, I wandered off with this 16 year old girl and I finger banged her in a park while she gave me a hand job.

Later when I was 17 I met my then 16 year old beautiful ex-wife at a party, who was born and raised in London, England and had been in Australia for a few months. She wanted to talk to me, then told me I was beautiful and asked me to kiss her. Heavy petting ensued, until a few hours later she initiated having sex with me (which saw us lose our virginity). In the dark under a blanket in a room filled with friends. Afterwards our friends made light of what we did and we all laughed about it.

So then we started dating as boyfriend and girlfriend, yet there was no way we could easily have sex at hers all the time. Yet with both of us having insatiable sexual lust, the yearning to procreate was overwhelming for both our us. So unlike my wife of today, where we are more measured in our sexual pursuits, my ex-wife and I had at it wherever we could.

Which meant on the grass hill up the road from her place in the park 10 minutes walk from hers, on some stairs in a random block of flats near my work at lunchtime. In parks behind some trees, in rooms at parties, at the beach when no one was around and even in a monorail carriage while it circled the Sydney CBD late at night because we couldn't restrain ourselves.

Her and I were so sexy, lustful and were high on exploring each other and experimenting in ways that would shock some people, yet we were both driven by this overwhelming desire to go at it all the time. She was the one who brought up golden showers as a thing without asking my consent first, because she wanted to try it before we had even heard it was a thing people did. So despite the fact she went to school and lived at home with her parents and sibling while I worked, we still managed to have sex 2-3x a day most days of any week and sometimes every day of some weeks.

At the time though when we did it anywhere, neither of us cared that much about others, since we just craved one another so much. Which by the time I started dating my now wife, I was not inclined to just do it anywhere, so we never had sex anywhere out in public until recent years.

As an aside and as a general tip for parents, if your say 16-17 year old child is dating someone and they are driven by a desire to mate. You will not stop them having sex by requiring them to have their door open while their boyfriend or girlfriend is around. For example my ex-wife would put on a skirt or dress and would sit on my lap while I was inside her while she was studying at her desk with the door open. We even once went at it quiet as church mouses, in a back corner of a dark lounge room while her mother slept having fallen asleep watching the tele.

Back then I can't imagine doing anything different having an extremely insatiable desire to have sex, with a partner who had an even more extremely insatiable desire to have sex. This lasted for about 18 months before we broke up and then played friends with benefits with each other (before we knew that term) because we were brilliant at sex together. until she got pregnant and I thought we should try and see if we could work it out being married instead of her having the abortion she wanted. In the end though it didn't work out, so I moved onto other sexual partners.

Then when I was 21 I had sex with some other women who I met at parties, usually in rooms alone. Yet that wasn't always the case so sometimes there were other couples there or for example one of my female friends. Later when I was around 22 I had sex with one woman in a nightclub with other people around, about 10-15 minutes after we met. It seemed there was often plenty of women who were willing and offering me sex in the heat of the moment or asking me out and then offering sex. Some of them being willing just about anywhere, although I turned many of them down I certainly didn't turn all of them down. I didn't need to do anything and certainly didn't try to convince anyone, some women (certainly not all) just seemed to be drawn to me and wanted to get with me.

Then my next long term relationship when I was 23 saw me with a woman who took me up to these old coastal bunkers near Manly to have sex with me in a public place. She wasn't shy about sex or doing many things off the beaten path except for anal sex.

Then I met my wife when I was close to 25 who then asked me out on a date and on our third date she asked me to have sex with her and was a bit clumsy about it. It turned out she had only recently lost her virginity to an experienced guy who couldn't ever get her to orgasm, Even though he was convinced she was having them despite her protestation.

If she stayed in a relationship with a guy like that she is convinced she would be in a sexless relationship because she wouldn't want to have sex anymore. The thing up until she was almost 26, she was saving herself for marriage being the good Catholic girl she was. Which she hung onto even after she realised she didn't believe all that god stuff was true.

So despite having different boyfriends and even marriage proposals she still saved herself until her father died when she thought "**** it, I'm done being a virgin". So she started with this other guy for a few weeks then asked me out went on a date, then dumped him after our first two dates (on the same day) and had sex with me on our third date for lustful reasons and 21+ years later we're still at it.

One thing my wife relates from her former boyfriends is they never measured up for her. They did fine on looks and height and work etc. Yet they all seemed to turn her off sexually since they were too nice, too generous, too needy and too willing. The more they tried to please her and worship her, the more she was turned off and the more she thought they were too weak and needy.

Anyway with my now wife, we were both older and we simply didn't do sex outdoors or in any public places until more recently in order to spice things up along the way, which is what we have done through the years we have been together to keep our sex life fresh and fun.

So today I wouldn't do the same more risqué sex I shared when I was young, yet I don't regret my past and have fond memories of my sexual adventures from back then through to today.

Yet my wife and I see nothing wrong with, getting ourselves excited at the potential chance to have sex in public places and occasionally doing exactly that if no one will ever possibly glimpse sight of us having at it.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Steve1000 said:


> I'm pretty open minded, but I'm a bit startled that some people actually enjoy this.


I like it, that said I only do this after I have drunk lots of water for a while, and don't do this first thing in the morning (though some people are into that).

As a consequence of the amount of water I consume before we play, my wife says it tastes just like water. Of which my wife relates that taking semen in her mouth (which she is happy to do) is a lot more icky than taking some pee.

As to liking it I can't explain it except to say, I really like the visual of covering my wife with my own stream as it splashes on her and also forms rivulets down and around her, that catches the light as it follows her form. I also like how it flows out of her mouth and the path it follows. While I also like seeing her pee when standing up, which she sometimes shows me for my visual pleasure.

Then there is the fact that she is willing to let me do that to her in order to please me, and that she is submits to me when I have my way with her and I like marking the women I am with in some way, which is why I like giving cum facials and peeing on them. It's quite a kick being with a sexual partner who lets you pee on them and or in their mouth.

That said there are plenty of women who have such things as hard limits. Yet in my personal experience thus far one woman (my ex-wife) initiated such things, while a fair number of other women have been happy to try such things and plenty of those were (I don't know what they do now) and are (in my wife's case) happy to continue to do such things having tried them.

Yet the fact that I get such things has a lot to do with how I am with my sexual partners, which makes then feel desired in such a way that it encourages a willingness to share such activities.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> I'm pretty open minded, but I'm a bit startled that some people actually enjoy this.


Me too. Its usually an act that someone does to another if they want to degrade them. Not one of love and respect.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personal said:


> Well thus far my wife and I have only done it in our car once at night while parked in a deserted parking spot in a bush area. Then while out and about we have done it away from a road and some tracks with a tremendous vista in mountains. Plus while living on the edge of the outback for 4 years, we could drive in some directions and never see another human being at all through half a day or even a few days sometimes, until we returned to our home so having sex in public places was and is fine.
> 
> My wife still talks about us spontaneously stopping while driving on some fire trails, parking the car and heading off track to sex outdoors with a spectacular view. The nice thing is we have this awesome sexual tension when we walk around or drive around looking for somewhere to have at it, even if it turns out there are people around or potentially people around and we take it home instead.
> 
> ...


If your wife flashes you when you are out and goes out without underwear, then you can't be sure that no one else will see. Nor can you be sure that having sex in public isn't seen. That's why we have laws in place to prevent this.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> If your wife flashes you when you are out and goes out without underwear, then you can't be sure that no one else will see.


It must be tough having one's knickers in a knot. :wink2:


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Personal said:


> I like it, that said I only do this after I have drunk lots of water for a while, and don't do this first thing in the morning (though some people are into that).
> 
> As a consequence of the amount of water I consume before we play, my wife says it tastes just like water. Of which my wife relates that taking semen in her mouth (which she is happy to do) is a lot more icky than taking some pee.
> 
> ...


Thanks for taking the time to give some insight into why you enjoy this.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Some people enjoy play-degradation. Its fine if both enjoy, but not something I'm into. 






Diana7 said:


> Me too. Its usually an act that someone does to another if they want to degrade them. Not one of love and respect.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

uhtred said:


> Some people enjoy play-degradation. Its fine if both enjoy, but not something I'm into.


I'm not into that either.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personal said:


> It must be tough having one's knickers in a knot. :wink2:


 Don't know, is it?:surprise:


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## hailey_2009 (Nov 3, 2017)

Personal said:


> I'm not into that either.


The idea of feeling degraded has kinky appeal ... but again, everyone has distinct tastes. Mine would not include being "marked" by him urinating on me. 

Mind is racing a bit as to other possible degradations though ... *sheepish grin*


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Personal said:


> I had sex with some other women who I met at parties, usually in rooms alone. Yet that wasn't always the case so sometimes there were other couples there or for example one of my female friends.


OH MY GOD this brings of memories of a time in college where a female friend of mine, and her friend, were disappointed that I didn't bust the cherry of the younger sister of my roommate while they slept in another part of the room.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Personal said:


> I think the best solution is to be confident and assertive, while owning your kinks without being afraid to share them with your sexual partners along the way.
> 
> If one is reticent to share their sexual proclivities whatever they are out of fear of rejection. They're hardly likely to inspire confidence in their partners, when wanting them to participate in such things.


That works fine if you are a dom or domme.
not so easy if you are a sub, sissy, coming out bi, and on and on.
So i agree with your advice...for the 30 % who are dominant out there. the others need some other way though


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Some of those things you mention are illegal, for good reason. Do you not care about others around you?


I think you wandered into the wrong thread. Might want to...


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

It's natural for kinks and sexual preferences to develop as a marriage evolves. I'm only 40 but have been peeing every night at 4:00 AM so I got a prostate exam and I can say definitively I would not enjoy pegging even a little, it was an all around horrifying experience for me.

I get she doesn't "have" to do it, but I don't see the big deal, strap one on and give your hubby a good pegging if that's what he wants every now and again.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

I don't think that applies to sex. We should always respond when there is a need for sex. Kinks of course need to be discussed but I don't think it would be healthy to have a sex refuser for a spouse as it could lead to serious problems.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

hailey_2009 said:


> The idea of feeling degraded has kinky appeal ... but again, everyone has distinct tastes. Mine would not include being "marked" by him urinating on me.
> 
> Mind is racing a bit as to other possible degradations though ... *sheepish grin*


It is a dangerous area to want to be degraded in marriage by your spouse. Whilst we have plenty of kink I feel I am getting into dangerous waters the few times I have wanted her to degrade me. I am glad it didn't happen and I never said anything.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

My wife had a chat with me and I could tell she was quite serious. She explained that she was not comfortable with oral sex. I knew that was it and that I shouldn't push it. I don't really miss it which shows that it wasn't a need only a want.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

whobbb said:


> eh... thought i had made it more clear in my initial post.
> 
> but essentially neither of us ever discussed what we did or didn't like in the bedroom... nor did we every attempt to try anything / everything to see what we did or didn't like. we just did what we knew... It was just something we never discussed... so, now later on in our relationship it has come up as something i would like to try and come to find is not something she necessarily wants to try. We didn't go into the marriage 7 years ago knowing this particular kink and was agreed upon like hey u know i like this, i know you don't, lets just forget about it for some amount of time.


I would retreat from someone who did not look at MY supposed shell out of which I should be breaking whether or not I felt I was constrained by said shell.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

whobbb said:


> Hey all, we are in our mid 30s been married for 7 and "together" for 17. We have a great marriage in general but when it comes to the bedroom we seem to differ greatly. Half of our time together was somewhat of a LDR, and while I've been with 5 others, she has only been with 1 other.
> 
> I am just a more sexually inquisitive person and have grown over the years by exploring and trying new things (solo) and it just seems that my lovely wife, is not really on the same page. She can most recently be quoted as saying "she is more than satisfied with our sexual arrangement"... Yes, while the sex is good and everyone gets to orgasm, our sex is what might be regarded as "vanilla" (as much as I don't want to stigmatize it with that word).
> 
> ...


It really does not sound like you have listened to her without stubbornness. I was definitely not as ggg as I am now. My husband engendered my increased giving by being PATIENT. Listening to ME. Developing newness slowly in non-kinky ways that were not scary and threatening to ME. NEVER snippy. Never lacking in that degree of caring which would render me feeling like a sex whole, toy, object whose feelings were unimportant.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> It really does not sound like you have listened to her without stubbornness. I was definitely not as ggg as I am now. My husband engendered my increased giving by being PATIENT. Listening to ME. Developing newness slowly in non-kinky ways that were not scary and threatening to ME. NEVER snippy. Never lacking in that degree of caring which would render me feeling like a sex whole, toy, object whose feelings were unimportant.


This is VERY important, I think. When one partner is into kink and the other is unfamiliar, it's crucial to engage slowly and with patience, and to work up. Think baby steps. As someone who was interested in kink but with no experience, I still felt the need to progress slowly and pace myself, despite my enthusiasm. This is even more true for a partner who isn't sure or super enthusiastic.

And be reserved with how often you talk about it/bring it up in conversation. Sometimes, after going to a party or an event, my partner wants to talk about it and revisit it constantly for a week or two, because he's super enthusiastic. It drives me up a wall sometimes, because there are more dimensions to our relationship, not just the kink.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

I don't know how pegging would feel but I know instinctively that I could never ask my wife to do this. She is just not that type and I don't really need it. I do ask her to spank me though but I am not submissive. It's just when I ask. I generally lead in the marriage and in the bedroom. I have tried to spank her but it doesn't switch her on and is pointless. I don't agree in a husband wanting to spank the wife because he likes it when she is the one getting it. It would be different if it switches her on.


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