# I gained weight and lost my husband's interest



## Bulletpr00f

This is really difficult to talk about. I can't confide in my family or friends b/c they will judge my husband. We have been married 12 yrs. I have gained 50 lbs since having our child. I am working on getting it off. I am about 30lbs overweight. My husband, after much prodding, confessed that he's significantly less attracted to me. This was about four years ago. I've since lost and kept off 20lbs. He has said really hurtful things that I know he hated saying, but they stuck with me. Things like how I look nothing like the person he married. 

He's told me that he's confused by my confidence based upon my appearance. I have a healthy self-esteem, but I struggle after our conversations. Honestly, I never have trouble receiving male attention...probably b/c I don't have low self-esteem. 

I'm angry at him...truthfully, I'm furious with him. I've financially supported the family up until a few years ago. I was devastated having to go back to work while my child was so young. I built up a lot of resentment. I worked through it. He's feeling the same about me with my issue. My obesity. He tells me he loves me and that he'll wait forever for me to lose the weight, but he also blames me for not losing it. I totally get that. I guess we are both so frustrated with my weight. He tells me that he wishes it were different, but he can't help feeling this way. We have sex maybe once a month. I've given up trying to initiate b/c of the constant rejection. We only have sex due to his "nocturnal impulses"...in other words, when he gropes me in his sleep and then wakes up to finish the deed. It's always good...then doesn't happen again for a few weeks. 

I've mentioned to him that I understand what he's feeling, but I find it difficult to believe that he'll stick around forever being sexually underwhelmed. He looks great and has kept in shape. I'm emotionally destroyed because I know he feels this way about me. He no longer kisses me or holds my hand. He seems uncomfortable with any kind of touching. We're more like great friends or roommates. I want more. I've told him that my weight issue is a huge flaw in our marriage, but he's also not giving me what I need. I deserve better too!

I don't want to break up. I do love him. I do believe he loves me. I'm always working on my weight but hate feeling embarrassed in my own home. 

I guess I'm just venting. I need an outlet for these feelings and feel trapped not being able to discuss it with anyone I know.


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## Gaia

You need to set yourself some boundaries. Do not keep letting him insult you and bring your self esteem down. You deserve respect and praise as well... especially for losing weight. You may never be as thin as you once were but that's normal and he is really being unrealistic by seemingly expecting you to have the same body you did before having a child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bulletpr00f

I think you're right. It's just so painful. I've gotten used to not having sex regularly (which is sad), but I can't get used to his emotional detachment. It's the little things, like him not saying "goodnight" unless I say it first. He'll just climb into bed and go to sleep. 

When he comes home, no kiss, no touching at all. Unless I make a plan to see a movie or something, he never initiates spending time with me. He doesn't initiate anything having to do with me. I sometimes feel like he thinks he's doing me a favor by staying with a "fat girl."

I don't know how to make boundaries. I feel soooo needy b/c I'm starved for attention and affection from him. How do you think I can establish boundaries?


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## Hopefull363

Of course he's kept himself in shape. Pregnancy takes a toll on a woman's body. He should be loving and encouraging to help you lose the weight. How does he keep in shape. Does he go to the gym? Maybe he can offer to keep the baby while you go to the gym? Constant rejection will make you feel depressed. I know for me when I get depressed I eat. 

There might be more going on then just your weight if he's not showing you affection. See if he'll go to marriage counseling with you. He should be encouraging you not blaming you. You won't be able to take the weight off for him. You'll need to do it for yourself.


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## Gaia

I agree with hopeful. Get into marriage counseling... and if he won't.. at least individual counseling for yourself. You could also try getting the... "his needs/ her needs" book if you can. I believe it has information on how to set boundaries as well. Not sure though as I haven't had a chance to read it. I do plan on getting it when I can though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bkaydezz

Bulletpr00f said:


> This is really difficult to talk about. I can't confide in my family or friends b/c they will judge my husband. We have been married 12 yrs. I have gained 50 lbs since having our child. I am working on getting it off. I am about 30lbs overweight. My husband, after much prodding, confessed that he's significantly less attracted to me. This was about four years ago. I've since lost and kept off 20lbs. He has said really hurtful things that I know he hated saying, but they stuck with me. Things like how I look nothing like the person he married.
> 
> He's told me that he's confused by my confidence based upon my appearance. I have a healthy self-esteem, but I struggle after our conversations. Honestly, I never have trouble receiving male attention...probably b/c I don't have low self-esteem.
> 
> I'm angry at him...truthfully, I'm furious with him. I've financially supported the family up until a few years ago. I was devastated having to go back to work while my child was so young. I built up a lot of resentment. I worked through it. He's feeling the same about me with my issue. My obesity. He tells me he loves me and that he'll wait forever for me to lose the weight, but he also blames me for not losing it. I totally get that. I guess we are both so frustrated with my weight. He tells me that he wishes it were different, but he can't help feeling this way. We have sex maybe once a month. I've given up trying to initiate b/c of the constant rejection. We only have sex due to his "nocturnal impulses"...in other words, when he gropes me in his sleep and then wakes up to finish the deed. It's always good...then doesn't happen again for a few weeks.
> 
> I've mentioned to him that I understand what he's feeling, but I find it difficult to believe that he'll stick around forever being sexually underwhelmed. He looks great and has kept in shape. I'm emotionally destroyed because I know he feels this way about me. He no longer kisses me or holds my hand. He seems uncomfortable with any kind of touching. We're more like great friends or roommates. I want more. I've told him that my weight issue is a huge flaw in our marriage, but he's also not giving me what I need. I deserve better too!
> 
> I don't want to break up. I do love him. I do believe he loves me. I'm always working on my weight but hate feeling embarrassed in my own home.
> 
> I guess I'm just venting. I need an outlet for these feelings and feel trapped not being able to discuss it with anyone I know.


Oh honey!!!!
:/

I just now lost all of my weight and am back down to my pre pregnancy weight.
I have to say i am disappointed in him for thinking you are less attractive after giving you something your body molds for so long, is the most beautiful gift anyone in this world can recieve and is in the body of the woman who he is most attracted too.
Pregnancy is so beautiful.
The body you recieve after childbirth is just as beautiful.
With the understanding that your body is completely out of wack for at least 2 years after birth means nothing to some men. Its all about appearance and everything needs to be sexualized. 
Women are beautiful in all shapes and sizes. there isnt one id prefer over the other if i was a man and even not being a man.
i will say though. its very hard to have good self esteem if you remind youself of how you used to look.
it will take some time to regain that confidence and sex appeal.
jsut be feminine and let your body work the look you have currently.
Other men will notice you and he will start to pay attention to that.
Im not saying burn him over this.
But let him know that you are sexy even if you dont feel it 100%and flont it right in front of him. he will see that you are enjoying your body and your appearance and maybe also start to enjoy it.
if it makes you feel any better i just now got back to my pre pregnancy weight. and she just turned 9 months a couple days ago.
i only gained 30 pounds even but still it took me until a little over a month ago to loose the last 25 pounds of it.
Dont let this get you too down.
You are still inside that body and you will make it beautiful


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## Hopefull363

Gaia, You're right about the His Needs, Her Needs book. That book is what helped my marriage.


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## WorkingOnMe

I suspect this isn't really about weight. 30 lbs is not that much.


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## bkaydezz

WorkingOnMe said:


> I suspect this isn't really about weight. 30 lbs is not that much.


that much..like you said.

for her hubby it seems like the end of the world! 

to a woman its a million pounds really!


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## RDL

It's not just about the weight. There are other underlying issues he is not telling you. The weight is a pretext, a cover.

Check if he is cheating.


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## Jeapordy

I agree that there is more to it. He may not be cheating, but he does feel unfulfilled in other ways.
The weight is the issue that he can tell you about which doesn't involve him having to make changes or be brutally honest about himself.

He feels that you didn't hold up your end of the bargain in your marriage, both with the weight and other stuff that he hasn't told you about. I'm not saying it's true, I'm just giving the male view of it. He may also have self-esteem issues of his own. He liked to show off his sexy thin wife to get attention from others, but now he might think that others will judge him if he doesn't have the hottest wife in the room. Again, that's his issue, not yours.

My wife put on about as much weight as you did in the last few years and it had nothing to do with pregnancy, but rather the stress of a new job. She is a stress eater. I'm still trying to come to terms with how she looks and that she may never look like the person I married. In my case, we resolved some of the other issues we had so that the weight was not the tip of a bigger iceberg. I don't look at her the same as I used to, but I know I need to evolve my feelings. I do find her a lot more attractive when I see her trying to lose weight because that means that she is actively trying to keep up her end of the bargain.


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## alphaomega

All women are beautiful!


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## ScaredandUnsure

His attitude alone would make me uninterested in him at all. 

But there is probably something else going on.


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## credamdóchasgra

I think the men commenting are offering you some helpful insight to how he might be thinking and what (else) could be underlying what he says. 

Is he willing or able to actively encourage you or participate in your weight loss efforts?

He's making a request of you: "Please lose weight, dear." 
Fair enough. 
You also can make a request of him and set a boundary at the same time:

"Yes, I agree and want to lose weight. Will you join me in this effort by working out with me, walking/biking with me and adjusting our diet together? If not, then I request that you refrain from further comments and let me start this effort on my own."

Take charge. Your body, your health, your feelings. He's made his point. Now he can either root for you and take action to help you, or keep his mouth shut and let you take care of yourself.


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## credamdóchasgra

Bulletpr00f said:


> I have a healthy self-esteem, but I struggle after our conversations. Honestly, I never have trouble receiving male attention...probably b/c I don't have low self-esteem.


This is the part that makes me wonder if his "you've gained too much weight" is a smokescreen for some other issue he has that he's not telling you.

You're confident, have high self-esteem and other men notice you. Sounds like he's the only one complaining.


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## Acorn

Out of curiosity, were there any other issues or conflicts that popped up after the kids were born and you gained weight?

I am wondering, like others, if he is equating the weight gain with some other issue that is much deeper.


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## Bulletpr00f

I guess something else must be going on. I don't know. 

I've already done the whole "paranoid wife" act. Checking texts, voicemails, emails, internet history, etc. There is no evidence of an affair. I talked with him this morning, and said how I really want him to try and just give me little affections throughout the day. Like kissing me when he gets home from work. He said that he's not good at that stuff, but he'll try.

He also said he feels like I nag him about it, and it makes him want to do it less. That's really frustrating to me. I don't play games. If there is a problem, I let him know. He's SUPER passive-aggressive so he doesn't discuss any problems he has with me...unless he's pushed. That's how I found out his feelings around my weight. I had to push him to let me know why we weren't having sex regularly. I'm telling him exactly what I need, and he's reacting like a teenager.

I started keeping a log. A bit of a home social experiment. So far two days with no touching. I'm being pleasant and not at all naggy. I'll let it play out for the week and see. If I don't receive any attention from him, I will approach him about counselling. Oh wow, I guess that is sort of a game, huh? But I never do stuff like that. Really, this is the first time.

I should also clarify, I didn't just have the baby. I can't blame this as baby weight. I need to lose the remaining 30lbs for health reasons. My husband is right about that. He's also really supportive in terms of eating healthy foods and letting me go to the gym. This battle with my weight is mine but it's impacting his views of me and I just feel awful about the whole thing.


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## Bulletpr00f

Acorn said:


> Out of curiosity, were there any other issues or conflicts that popped up after the kids were born and you gained weight?
> 
> I am wondering, like others, if he is equating the weight gain with some other issue that is much deeper.


I don't think so. If there are other issues, I'm not aware of them.


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## Bulletpr00f

credamdóchasgra said:


> I think the men commenting are offering you some helpful insight to how he might be thinking and what (else) could be underlying what he says.
> 
> Is he willing or able to actively encourage you or participate in your weight loss efforts?
> 
> He's making a request of you: "Please lose weight, dear."
> Fair enough.
> You also can make a request of him and set a boundary at the same time:
> 
> "Yes, I agree and want to lose weight. Will you join me in this effort by working out with me, walking/biking with me and adjusting our diet together? If not, then I request that you refrain from further comments and let me start this effort on my own."
> 
> Take charge. Your body, your health, your feelings. He's made his point. Now he can either root for you and take action to help you, or keep his mouth shut and let you take care of yourself.


This is excellent advice. I will work on this.

He is supportive in terms of allowing me time to exercise and eating healthy foods. He's not very supportive emotionally, however. Here is where we get into these conversations of my appearance (and you're right, he is the only one complaining). He doesn't understand why I just don't lose the weight already. I can appreciate that. I don't understand it either. But his response is seething and full of disgust. He's never had a weight problem so he can't relate.


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## Bulletpr00f

Jeapordy said:


> I agree that there is more to it. He may not be cheating, but he does feel unfulfilled in other ways.
> The weight is the issue that he can tell you about which doesn't involve him having to make changes or be brutally honest about himself.
> 
> He feels that you didn't hold up your end of the bargain in your marriage, both with the weight and other stuff that he hasn't told you about. I'm not saying it's true, I'm just giving the male view of it. He may also have self-esteem issues of his own. He liked to show off his sexy thin wife to get attention from others, but now he might think that others will judge him if he doesn't have the hottest wife in the room. Again, that's his issue, not yours.
> 
> My wife put on about as much weight as you did in the last few years and it had nothing to do with pregnancy, but rather the stress of a new job. She is a stress eater. I'm still trying to come to terms with how she looks and that she may never look like the person I married. In my case, we resolved some of the other issues we had so that the weight was not the tip of a bigger iceberg. I don't look at her the same as I used to, but I know I need to evolve my feelings. I do find her a lot more attractive when I see her trying to lose weight because that means that she is actively trying to keep up her end of the bargain.


Wow! Some of the points you've made are so true. He's always kinder to me when I'm obviously attempting to lose weight (i.e. getting to the gym, eating salads, etc). He has already told me that he feels that I didn't hold up my end of the bargain in marriage by allowing myself to get so heavy. I even kind of get that, although I think it's lousy. He admits that he took so long to get his career going and I stuck by him, and that my weight is kind of the same thing. It's just all so difficult. 

He swears that it's my weight alone that is the problem in the marriage. Nothing else. Can that really be true?


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## Bulletpr00f

Hopefull363 said:


> Gaia, You're right about the His Needs, Her Needs book. That book is what helped my marriage.


I will def check out that book.


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## WorkingOnMe

Ok, I don't think losing weight will fix the problems, but I respect that you do and anyway you need to lose it for yourself and your health anyway. So I'm going to give you some ideas. 

First, what is your height and weight?

Are you a gym rat type or an outdoorsy type?

Do you have a smartphone?

What country/state do you live in?

You need a goal and a plan. If your serious then you can do this. Do you have any skills? I. E. can you bike? Swim? How far can you currently jog?

Answer these and I'll pm you.


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## Jeapordy

Maybe he is acting this way because he doesn't know how to handle the situation. He can't keep lying to you about what is really wrong, so it is best not to say anything at all.

He also knows that the world thinks he is shallow for making a big deal about the weight. Most people will say he is a pig. So he feels trapped. He can't tell anyone how he feels because most won't be empathetic to him. Maybe he just needs someone to confide in that won't judge him, and it can't be you because he wants to talk through his feels about you.


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## Bulletpr00f

You know, I know it can't just be about the weight. Deep down, I know that. But what can I do to get him to talk to me? He looks me in the eye and swears to me that it's just the weight, and everything else is great. When I point out that it's not, he sort of retreats into himself and gets annoyed. He tells me that he is shallow in this respect, and that he is a very visual person. He also tells me that if I lose the weight, things will be good again. 

Realistically, I know it must be more than the weight, but why would he not be honest with me?


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## Jeapordy

One way to test the theory about it being "just about the weight" is to offer to go to the lingerie store with him. Lingerie is a great way to hide the weight. Let him pick out the things he likes. See if that gets his motor running.
If he is very visual, he will focus on what you are wearing and forget about where the extra weight is.
I also had a hard time accepting how my wife looked. I started watching amateur porn that involved chubby women that were about the same age as my W. I found that I still found them attractive, especially when they spiced it up, like lingerie, heels, dirty talk, etc. So I figured, if I liked to watch chubby women in amateur porn, it must not be the weight, as much as the attitude and effort. In fact, I'll take sexy chubby girl porn over vanilla skinny girl porn any day.
Now when my W agrees to spice it up a little (which isn't often enough), I don't even notice the weight. 
Maybe if you are daring enough, and trust him enough you can let him video tape your encounter while wearing the lingerie and watch it together later to see if that gets him aroused. Again, if the porn turns him on, and that porn is you, then that's a good thing.


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## Bulletpr00f

Jeapordy said:


> One way to test the theory about it being "just about the weight" is to offer to go to the lingerie store with him. Lingerie is a great way to hide the weight. Let him pick out the things he likes. See if that gets his motor running.
> If he is very visual, he will focus on what you are wearing and forget about where the extra weight is.
> I also had a hard time accepting how my wife looked. I started watching amateur porn that involved chubby women that were about the same age as my W. I found that I still found them attractive, especially when they spiced it up, like lingerie, heels, dirty talk, etc. So I figured, if I liked to watch chubby women in amateur porn, it must not be the weight, as much as the attitude and effort. In fact, I'll take sexy chubby girl porn over vanilla skinny girl porn any day.
> Now when my W agrees to spice it up a little (which isn't often enough), I don't even notice the weight.
> Maybe if you are daring enough, and trust him enough you can let him video tape your encounter while wearing the lingerie and watch it together later to see if that gets him aroused. Again, if the porn turns him on, and that porn is you, then that's a good thing.


Whoa, I feel like you are in my marriage. You must really relate to my husband. When I do find porn on his computer , it's as you described. Chubbier girls, nothing fake. I wouldn't be into videotaping ourselves, and he's never brought that up. I am going to try and look sexier even though I know he's not attracted to me. Maybe it will make a difference.


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## Acorn

I wonder if perhaps he views the weight gain not so much as literal weight, but as a sort of figurative wall between you. (I have read that sometimes a person's weight gain is a subconscious attempt to put a barrier up to intimacy in some situations, so it's not outrageous to think people might incorrectly look at it like that too.) 

If that is the case, I wonder if it is less of a weight thing and more of just him wondering why the walls went up and have stayed up. Maybe the loss of attraction is more emotional based on this, and not so much physical.

Just talking out loud here, I could be way off.


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## credamdóchasgra

Bulletpr00f said:


> I guess something else must be going on. I don't know.
> 
> I've already done the whole "paranoid wife" act. Checking texts, voicemails, emails, internet history, etc. There is no evidence of an affair. I talked with him this morning, and said how I really want him to try and just give me little affections throughout the day. Like kissing me when he gets home from work. He said that he's not good at that stuff, but he'll try.
> 
> He also said he feels like I nag him about it, and it makes him want to do it less. That's really frustrating to me. I don't play games. If there is a problem, I let him know. He's SUPER passive-aggressive so he doesn't discuss any problems he has with me...unless he's pushed. That's how I found out his feelings around my weight. I had to push him to let me know why we weren't having sex regularly. I'm telling him exactly what I need, and he's reacting like a teenager.
> 
> I started keeping a log. A bit of a home social experiment. So far two days with no touching. I'm being pleasant and not at all naggy. I'll let it play out for the week and see. If I don't receive any attention from him, I will approach him about counselling. Oh wow, I guess that is sort of a game, huh? But I never do stuff like that. Really, this is the first time.
> 
> This battle with my weight is mine but it's impacting his views of me and I just feel awful about the whole thing.


First of all, you are doing great with taking responsibility for what you can change and affect.

Yes, it sucks when someone isn't direct and you have to pry his feelings from him. And it sucks that some people, if you directly ask for something, won't do it precisely BECAUSE you asked. And yes, it's passive aggressive and infuriating.

But on some level it's also unconscious; I don't think it's out of a desire to be nasty or punish you or something. It's just a, yes, immature way that some people protect themselves from feeling like they're controlled or being "had." Frustrating as it is, with people like that, sometimes you are more likely to get what you need from them when you stop asking for it. They have to come to it on their own.

My best advice to you is to keep up the good work you're dong for yourself--including being conscious of not being needy or naggy toward him. And honestly, the more you work out and get physically stronger, the better you'll feel about yourself physiologically and emotionally, and you NATURALLY won't be as inclined to ask for affection from him. And it's possible that when he sees a strong, confident person in you, he'll come to you on his own. Get those endorphins UP!!!!!

Take a deep breath, harness all your frustrated/angry/sad energy and focus it into physical activity. Have fun with it, look at it as a challenge to use your body and physical health as a conduit to drive improvement in your emotional life. 

And try to be patient. I know you want to approach him about counseling after a certain timeline. But start by committing yourself to the fitness, give it some time, and see if things improve and open up. Just my two cents.


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## Jeapordy

Maybe suggest that you watch porn together. You can let him decide what kind, or you can tell him that you'd prefer something that isn't fake and has "real people" in it. If he finds the chubby porn girls attractive, then the weight thing shouldn't be the big issue. Maybe he sees the girls in the movie doing things that he wishes you would do, but he wants you to figure it out. He might be embarrassed to tell you or maybe he has tried to give you hints in the past. Sometimes men get angry because we drop hints that are not picked up. I think my wife expects me to be a mind reader, but doesn't do the same in return. 
The lingerie definitely will help. You just need to find something that you can both agree upon is an aphrodesiac. 
I'd love it if my wife would ask me to put on porn so we can see if we could enhance our own sex life, by watching real people doing real things.


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## Enginerd

My wife is +40lbs. She always talks about losing it but doesn't like exercise or health food. I'm not allowed to say anything one way or another. I absolutely can't stand to see her making bad food choices day after day. Its like she's saying "I don't care about you" . She's been educated on what to eat and how to prepare it. I've tried the positive approach and provide funds and opportunties to lose the weight. It doesn't matter and I have lost a ton of respect for her over the years . I am fit and watch what I eat. Its hard but I do it for many reasons. 

Would you lose the weight if you were suddenly single?


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## Plan 9 from OS

So how was your marriage before you became pregnant and gained the baby fat? Did the two of you do a lot of activities that involved getting the body moving - like biking, hiking, running, etc? Were you guys able to run off to do anything at the drop of a hat without having to worry about child? Probably yes. So trying to give the benefit of the doubt to the hubby, my best guess is that your husband feels left out and he also feels like his "ideal" life is gone. He probably is not used to "sharing" his wife with someone else...even though being a mom is special. He may also be hurt by the fact that you have a lot more "mom" things to do and can't be the "on call" wife like you used to be. You can't pick up and do the activities that he is interested in at the drop of a hat like before. So he may be feeling "left out".

Alternatively, he may have never connected with you on a deep enough level and he married you because he liked the way you looked. Again, you may have to recall how married life was like before your pregnancy and reflect on whether your husband ever actually shared himself with you or was he always superficial? If he is actually superficial, then the best part of the marriage, in his eyes, is ruined. IDK, just throwing out ideas for you to think about.


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## Mavash.

Plan 9 from OS said:


> So how was your marriage before you became pregnant and gained the baby fat?
> 
> Alternatively, he may have never connected with you on a deep enough level and he married you because he liked the way you looked. Again, you may have to recall how married life was like before your pregnancy and reflect on whether your husband ever actually shared himself with you or was he always superficial? If he is actually superficial, then the best part of the marriage, in his eyes, is ruined. IDK, just throwing out ideas for you to think about.


This is a good post. I'm wondering the same thing. What was it like before the weight?


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## La Rose Noire

It sounds like you are not dedicated to losing weight if you've only lost 20lbs out of 50 in 4 years. I'm assuming you cheat a lot, which might be fueling his resentment. 

A healthy rate of weight loss is 1 lb per week. That would mean you would have lost 50lbs in 50 weeks if you were serious about it. 20 in 4 years means you aren't putting enough effort and deep down that's probably what's really bothering your husband. 

He is not a bad person for wanting his wife to keep her figure. He is human. Love and attraction are not the same thing. If he was attracted to bigger girls, he would have married one. You have let yourself go and you blame him for being upset. Let go of your resentment to him and break the cycle. Dedicate yourself fully to losing weight. Not just for him but for yourself as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS

La Rose Noire said:


> It sounds like you are not dedicated to losing weight if you've only lost 20lbs out of 50 in 4 years. I'm assuming you cheat a lot, which might be fueling his resentment.
> 
> A healthy rate of weight loss is 1 lb per week. That would mean you would have lost 50lbs in 50 weeks if you were serious about it. 20 in 4 years means you aren't putting enough effort and deep down that's probably what's really bothering your husband.
> 
> He is not a bad person for wanting his wife to keep her figure. He is human. Love and attraction are not the same thing. If he was attracted to bigger girls, he would have married one. You have let yourself go and you blame him for being upset. Let go of your resentment to him and break the cycle. Dedicate yourself fully to losing weight. Not just for him but for yourself as well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Losing weight is not universally easy for everyone. Depending on circumstances, there can be a variety of factors that can make weight loss difficult. Regarding the OP's circumstances, negative reinforcement is far from an ideal motivational tactic to help her lose the weight. Reread the posts from the OP, and you can see that the husband clearly disconnected from her on a very fundamental level and had been insulting to her about her weight. 

If her husband truly loved her and at the same time wants her to regain her figure, he would not emotionally cut her off and say insulting things to her. He could easily offer to exercise with her and other things to motivate her with positive reinforcement to lose weight in a healthy way. I realize that we only have one side of the story, but based on what we know it's clear that her husband is an ass hat.


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## Mavash.

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I realize that we only have one side of the story, but based on what we know it's clear that her husband is an ass hat.


:iagree:

No kidding. Sure he has needs but he must have missed the lesson on how to ask NICELY for them. Geesh.


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## La Rose Noire

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Losing weight is not universally easy for everyone. Depending on circumstances, there can be a variety of factors that can make weight loss difficult. Regarding the OP's circumstances, negative reinforcement is far from an ideal motivational tactic to help her lose the weight. Reread the posts from the OP, and you can see that the husband clearly disconnected from her on a very fundamental level and had been insulting to her about her weight.
> 
> If her husband truly loved her and at the same time wants her to regain her figure, he would not emotionally cut her off and say insulting things to her. He could easily offer to exercise with her and other things to motivate her with positive reinforcement to lose weight in a healthy way. I realize that we only have one side of the story, but based on what we know it's clear that her husband is an ass hat.


No one said losing weight was easy. Some people are just more lazy than others. I have read the OP several times and maybe I've missed it but I don't see him insulting her anywhere. He is not an ass hat for being upset that his wife gained 50lbs. She has mentioned that he is nicer to her when she is making an effort to lose weight. So there's your positive reinforcement. 

I think it's important to keep up your appearance for your SO. I would be upset if my SO gained 50lbs and took more than 4 years to lose it, and I am a woman. It is obvious that after all this time, OP's husband is resentful of her lack of effort.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS

La Rose Noire said:


> No one said losing weight was easy. Some people are just more lazy than others. I have read the OP several times and maybe I've missed it but I don't see him insulting her anywhere. He is not an ass hat for being upset that his wife gained 50lbs. She has mentioned that he is nicer to her when she is making an effort to lose weight. So there's your positive reinforcement.
> 
> I think it's important to keep up your appearance for your SO. I would be upset if my SO gained 50lbs and took more than 4 years to lose it, and I am a woman. It is obvious that after all this time, OP's husband is resentful of her lack of effort.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Read all of the posts made by the one who started this thread. Here's a few that I think show him to be shallow and rather mean about the weight issue.



> He is supportive in terms of allowing me time to exercise and eating healthy foods. He's not very supportive emotionally, however. Here is where we get into these conversations of my appearance (and you're right, he is the only one complaining). He doesn't understand why I just don't lose the weight already. I can appreciate that. I don't understand it either. But *his response is seething and full of disgust. *He's never had a weight problem so he can't relate.


Here's another gem from "Mr. Sensitivity"...



> *He's told me that he's confused by my confidence based upon my appearance. I have a healthy self-esteem, but I struggle after our conversations. *Honestly, I never have trouble receiving male attention...probably b/c I don't have low self-esteem.


And if you pick through a few more of her posts, you'll see that he is only supportive when she talks about going to the gym or trying to eat healthy. Otherwise, he has cut off all emotional attachment to her. I can understand if the husband is upset that his wife let herself go. But at the same time, it shouldn't give him a license to emotionally starve his wife just because of some weight gain. It's neither loving nor supporting at all.


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## curlysue321

You lose the weight and then you start getting older and less attractive then what. Can't work on getting younger. I would suggest some counseling and if that doesn't work there is someone out there who will love you as you are.


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## samyeagar

Too many people discount and try to seperate the emotional relationship and physical relationship. They are completely intertwined and can not be seperated.


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## Enginerd

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Read all of the posts made by the one who started this thread. Here's a few that I think show him to be shallow and rather mean about the weight issue.
> 
> 
> 
> Here's another gem from "Mr. Sensitivity"...
> 
> 
> 
> And if you pick through a few more of her posts, you'll see that he is only supportive when she talks about going to the gym or trying to eat healthy. Otherwise, he has cut off all emotional attachment to her. I can understand if the husband is upset that his wife let herself go. But at the same time, it shouldn't give him a license to emotionally starve his wife just because of some weight gain. It's neither loving nor supporting at all.


Calling him an asshat is totally unjustified. She admitted that it wasn't baby fat. She admitted that it was her eating habits. No health issues mentioned. She's expecting unconditional love which is a total fallacy in a marriage. She knows how to fix it but can't seem to find the discipline to eat less and excersize more. I don't see how this is the husbands responsibility at all. Your expecting perfection from the husband but willing to excuse the wifes lack of discipline. How long should the husband wait for the wife to lose weight? I find it very naive to expect a husband to connect with a wife purely on a spiritual level. Its a physical relationship by nature. Anyone who says it isn't doesn't understand men at all.


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## Mr steal your girl

Best way to lose weight, is to throw out all the snacks in your house..Have your husband make a list of what you buy and eat from now on....Have him go over every detail of your spending habits to see if you're not cheating i.e. such as going to rallys/checkers and buying two big bufords....

Get rid of your television, and your car (for now) Only take a bike to work, and toss out your computer....This is the only way you can effectively lose the weight and keep it off. If you can't get rid of your car, then you should only take it to places where you need to go. If you need your computer for work/financial purposes than only use it for those times. Stay off the social networking sites.

Start a garden, everyday walk for an hour, Do not get a gym membership (waste of money)...Purchase workout tapes and work on these daily, ONLY drink water, Make sure breakfast is your biggest meal of the day, Do NOT eat after 7pm.

Follow these steps and you will be good to go.


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## Plan 9 from OS

Enginerd said:


> Calling him an asshat is totally unjustified. She admitted that it wasn't baby fat. She admitted that it was her eating habits. No health issues mentioned. She's expecting unconditional love which is a total fallacy in a marriage. She knows how to fix it but can't seem to find the discipline to eat less and excersize more. I don't see how this is the husbands responsibility at all. Your expecting perfection from the husband but willing to excuse the wifes lack of discipline. How long should the husband wait for the wife to lose weight? I find it very naive to expect a husband to connect with a wife purely on a spiritual level. Its a physical relationship by nature. Anyone who says it isn't doesn't understand men at all.


No, I don't think she is expecting unconditional love as a parent has for their child; however, the majority of us have exchanged marital vows where the we are supposed to love one another in good times or in bad. This is a bad time for the two of them right now. However, it depends on how each reacts to make muscle through these times. The woman has been trying to lose weight and she has made some progress. Not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but she is on her way even if detours show up along the way. Who said anything that the husband must connect with his wife on a purely spiritual level only? What do you actually mean by this? Are you saying that the husband is 100% justified in throwing caustic statements to the OP and withholding ALL forms of affection? Surely you have to admit that the husband is not treating his wife with any respect at a bare minimum. 

Define what you mean by a physical relationship? Men definitely need a physical component to the relationship. But as you have read, this man's wife is more than willing to make love to him and she would initiate all the time. Does her being overweight automatically allow him to cut her off completely except for the crumbs he throws towards her when he's "half awake" fondling her in bed? If you are a man, you should surely be able to see the flip side of this argument where men are complaining about sexless marriages with their wives. IMO, neither spouse should be cutting their partners off unless their partner is either 1) is or has been unfaithful, 2) developed very poor hygiene and/or 3) is abusive. 

Besides if you are a man, how picky are you really when it comes to making love to the woman that you supposedly love enough to want to spend the rest of your life with? C'mon, are you going to tell me that you will love your wife less if she gained weight? You may not feel the same physical attraction that you felt when she was thinner; however, physical attraction is more than just looks alone. It's also based on your spouses personality and the life experiences you've shared. People age, people inevitably gain weight and people lose the fight to gravity. If you think your wife is always going to look like Aphrodite for your entire marriage, then perhaps you are the one that is being naive...


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## WorkingOnMe

When we married my wife was about 135. Now she's 145, 20 years later. Wears a size 6 jeans. I think she has a very hot body. Post kids she got over 175. I never stopped wanting to have her. Now, had she gone up to 250 or something like that, then maybe I would have felt differently. 100 lbs gained, big deal. 30 lbs gained, not a big deal.

IMHO.


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## Sennik

Gaia said:


> I agree with hopeful. Get into marriage counseling... and if he won't.. at least individual counseling for yourself. You could also try getting the... "his needs/ her needs" book if you can. I believe it has information on how to set boundaries as well. Not sure though as I haven't had a chance to read it. I do plan on getting it when I can though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Agreed on the His Needs/Her Needs book would be a good book to apply to the situation. I bet if the OP and her husband honestly filled out the Emotional Needs Questionaire he would have an 'attractive spouse' and 'sexual fulfillment' both at the top of his emotional needs list and she would have 'financial support' at or near the top of hers.

Ignoring, minimizing or demeaning each other's primary emotional needs either out of ignorance or on purpose is a recipe for disaster, regardless of how you perceive his needs or how he perceives yours. Or for that matter, how _anyone_ external to the relationship thinks of either of your needs.

When you both can get past the mental hump of giving what you *think* the other spouse needs in a marriage to doing your utmost in meeting what they *actually* need you'll be on the right path.


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## Sennik

Plan 9 from OS said:


> The woman has been trying to lose weight and she has made some progress.


It's not always about the raw numbers. If her husband's #1 emotional need is an attractive spouse and he perceives she is not going 'all in' on meeting this need resentment can and probably will foster in him.

The OP could very well be a mirror of my early marriage before we knew what each other's needs were. Neither my wife nor I are in perfect shape by any means, but you know what is a HUGE turn on for me? The fact that she knows it is my #1 need and she does everything in her power to maintain herself after birthing three beautiful children.


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## Mephisto

OP could be my wife.... but she has a different username on here.

It IS about the weight. 

It ISN'T about him having issues or an affair.

Enginerd nailed it with his comment above (#40) 

Why is it different when a man takes away affection for a wife who is not fulfilling her side of the bargain in the marriage, to when a woman takes away the sex in marriage because of the husband not fulfilling his side?

She knows how to get him back, but doesn't care enough to put the effort required and the self discipline to attain the desired goal, which is 100% benficial for her physically and healthwise, and she gets an added bonus in a happy and attentive husband.

When the situations are reversed as I described above the man is expected to make conscious everyday actions and decisions to make the wife feel better, by continuously giving her signs of affection which makes her feel better about life in general and then he may get some action..... but the only one who benefits from this scenario is the woman, UNTIL she decides to reward his behaviour with the sex that he desires.

And you women think that we men are shallow because we want you to be trim and healthy? NOTE: not stick skinny, not waif-like.... HEALTHY weight.


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## Emerald

OP,

I feel very bad for you. My exH is like yours. He wanted me to stay at "wedding day" weight. Period. No excuses. Some men are just like that. Your H is being honest & sounds like a good man.

I think you want to lose the weight right?


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## sharkeey

Enginerd said:


> She admitted that it was her eating habits. No health issues mentioned. She's expecting unconditional love which is a total fallacy in a marriage. She knows how to fix it but can't seem to find the discipline to eat less and excersize more.
> 
> Anyone who says it isn't doesn't understand men at all.


Agreed.

Men are very visual creatures. 

It very well may be, and probably is just about the weight.

Cmon Op, you have a problem, and you know what you need to do to fix it, so rather than sitting at your computer typing away asking for help, get up, get over to the treadmill or your exercise of choice and start shedding those pounds.

Stay away from the junk foods, start drink more water, less soda, no more desserts, etc.. and watch those pounds fly off.

You'll be healthier, happier, and hubby won't be able to keep his hands off of you.


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## Plan 9 from OS

I must have a reading comprehension issue then, because I don't get a lot of the thoughts that are being expressed in this thread. First off, I realize that there tends to be a double standard when it comes to withholding sex from a spouse. Normally, people will understand it more when the wife withholds it (surely the H is doing something wrong) vs when the husband does it (he is a shallow jerk). So yes, the double standard is there when people make assumptions. My point on this is that I think it is a terrible idea to use sex as a means to manipulation, period. Sex is sacred to the marriage because it is one of the most effective ways to maintain a loving connection within the marriage. So to me, withholding sex is a no no regardless of which spouse is doing it. 

OK, although I may not agree with this, I can understand if the husband wants to show his wife that there are consequences to being 30 lbs overweight. Since he's already using sex as a weapon in this marriage, wouldn't you think that is taking enough of a toll on her as it is? Don't you think he is going overboard with all of the "punishment" he is doling out to her? Let's review the list shall we? 1) Asking her how she has good self esteem because of her weight? 2) saying caustic and demeaning things to the OP about her weight 3) Withholding ALL type of affection including sex, cuddling, even the closeness of just talking and 4) basically demeaning the OP and treating her with disrespect just because he thinks she needs to lose some weight. 

I'm sorry, but if you guys think this husband is a "good guy" considering he's demeaning her and punishing her in such a way to make their marriage an absolute joke. Yeah...real class act that douche canoe is... If I was in her situation, I'd tell the guy to F off and if he refuses to treat me with respect and dignity as his wife, then he can walk out that F'n door and never come back. NFW will I ever let my spouse demean me and treat me the same way he is treating her. I have zero respect for a POS man who doesn't know how to treat a lady with respect.


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## Adex

I've always been attracted to skinny girls. The skinnier the better for me. My wife is tall, and before our child,weighed 110lb. She went up to 160lb during pregnancy, but returned to 110lb in 3 to 4 months. 

When she weighed that much, I got turned off during sex because of the extra fat around her stomach and hips. I'm just lucky she's naturally skinny and was able to lose it fast. Even now when she gets to 115lb I tease her that she's getting fat so she'll stay around 110lb. That may sound superficial, but I know many guys are like this and just don't say it. Your husband sounds similar.


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## Mephisto

Plan 9, you write like a woman, yet your profile says you are male.

Which is it?


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## credamdóchasgra

But I'm confused by the fact that the OP said her husband likes "chubbier girls" when he looks at porn. :scratchhead:


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## Plan 9 from OS

Mephisto said:


> Plan 9, you write like a woman, yet your profile says you are male.
> 
> Which is it?


No, I am not a woman. But I have no problems calling a spade a spade. If I see someone acting like an ass, I'm going to say it whether it's popular or not. It would be one thing if the the OP's husband wanted her to lose weight but still treated her like a human being. In that case, I would sympathize with him. However, when the husband is treating her like garbage just because she is overweight, then he's being a jackass. I'm very much a red blooded male because one thing I cannot stand in any relationship is someone playing games. I think he's playing games and using a lot of negative reinforcement in order to motivate her to lose weight. 

I'm not perfect and I have my own share of faults. But I demand that my wife treats me with respect, and I do my best to do the same for her. We also have great communication, so we don't have to become mind readers. Also, we don't play games by withholding those things that we should have by rights within the marriage. Bottom line is we don't play games to try to manipulate each other in order to "win" something. We talk through our issues using logic and reason. That doesn't mean we don't have heated arguments from time to time, but we both do what we need to do to keep our marriage on track.


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## Template

Bulletpr00f-
I have been through exactly the same things as you. Resentment for being forced to return to work while the kids were small because he did not take the steps to keep a job that would support us nor would he budget so we could live on his salary. Self esteem destroyed by unkind words and name calling. Being uncomfortable in my own home, knowing he looked at me as almost an eyesore.

I did lose the weight, but not for him, for me. Even when I was overweight, I had good self esteem. He ripped that away in one conversation where he called me a tub of lard. I figured out I had to regain my self esteem and if I based it on what he thought of me, he could just as easily rip it away if I failed to meet his standards of attractiveness at some point in the future. 


It was very hard to lose the weight. I had a demanding career, long commute, kids, elderly parents, a house and yard to take care of. I literally got up by 4:30am and ran nonstop until I got home by 6:30pm when I started all the household chores. It took putting myself first (after the needs of the kids) to carve out the time to work out and make foods that I could eat on my food plan. Since I was so unattractive, I did not spend much time with H. Didn't want to offend his sensibilities. 


Make you a priority. Just lose the weight for yourself. You will have plenty of time to think about life and what you really want out of it while you are trudging away those endless hours on the treadmill. You will have the opportunity to consider whether you want to remain with someone who places more value on your appearance than your character, someone whose actions failed to meet your need for financial security at a time when you needed to be home with your baby, someone who would withhold public acknowledgement of you by refusing to hold your hand, someone who withholds affection from you because you do not meet his standard of attractiveness. You will have plenty of time to think about all of it.


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## La Rose Noire

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Read all of the posts made by the one who started this thread. Here's a few that I think show him to be shallow and rather mean about the weight issue.
> 
> 
> 
> Here's another gem from "Mr. Sensitivity"...
> 
> 
> 
> And if you pick through a few more of her posts, you'll see that he is only supportive when she talks about going to the gym or trying to eat healthy. Otherwise, he has cut off all emotional attachment to her. I can understand if the husband is upset that his wife let herself go. But at the same time, it shouldn't give him a license to emotionally starve his wife just because of some weight gain. It's neither loving nor supporting at all.


I'm not seeing insulting in those excerpts. In the first, he's simply angry and resentful, once again because of her lack of effort. In the second, I don't think that's a terrible thing to wonder. I ask myself the same thing when I see very overweight people. Can they truly be happy with themselves? Don't they want to look and feel better about themselves? Be healthier? I've never had a weight problem, so maybe I'm like the OP's husband and I cannot understand. But I don't think it's insulting to wonder. Sounds like the OP is just being hyper sensitive, which I don't blame her for being, after all nothing hurts a woman more than knowing her man is not attracted to her. 

As for lack of affection, he's told her that he's simply bad at it. I don't think he withholds as punishment. Some men are just like that, even when they have beautiful wives. I've written here that my SO never compliments me. And I'm in great shape. He is just not good at it. 

Finally, as for the lack of sex, you can't blame him. He's not attracted. I wouldn't want to sleep with a very overweight man. I don't care if that sounds terrible. I love my SO with all my heart but if he gained 50 lbs, I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him. And for men I imagine it's worse because they need to get aroused. How can they do that when they're not attracted? It's not like their tool has an on/off switch.

There's a circle of resentment going on. And you can understand both sides. But someone needs to break the circle. And that person in this case should be the instigator, meaning the OP.


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## Template

Rose Noire-
Different people have different needs. You do not seem to need affection, which makes you a good match for someone who "is just not good at that stuff". You do have the need for a thin spouse and if that need is not met, feel justified in cutting him off from sex.
O/P had a need for financial security, which her spouse failed to meet. She bucked up, returned to work while her child was small and worked through the resentment his failure caused. O/P has a need for affection. If her H is honest and is really not good at being affectionate and is unwilling to take steps to fix that, she needs to rethink being with him. If he is being dishonest, and is withholding affection to get her to lose weight (which I think might be the case as she does not say he never met her need for affection, only now that she is overweight), she needs to rethink being with him. And if her only value in his life is being thin and attractive, she needs to rethink being with him.


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## Bulletpr00f

I wanted to thank everyone for all the feedback and insight. It has been really valuable to me and has given me a place to finally talk about this issue. Even though some of it is hard to hear, it is good for me to get realistic opinions on our situation.

A few things: I do not blame my husband for feeling less attracted to me. I am 30lbs heavier. That is a lot of weight. It has altered my appearance. I am very sad he feels this way, but I understand it. I went from a size 8 to a 14.

For those of you who don't have a weight problem, I would like to say that losing this amount of weight isn't simply about being lazy or having self-control. If it were, I would have lost the weight years ago. I have so much motivation to lose the weight, yet I still struggle. It is very much a mental block. I continuously self sabotage my weight loss efforts. I don't know why I do that. I want to lose this weight. I need to be healthier. I have a child that I want to set a good example for. I have a husband who is not interested in me because of it. Yes, I want to lose this weight! Being suddenly single wouldn't change a thing for me in terms of motivation. I have so much riding on losing weight already. Sometimes I feel like I crumble under the pressure or that I give up because so much is riding on the weight loss. I realize that these are excuses, but I am being honest.

Because of the wonderful support from those who were/are in a similar situation, I realize that I have to get myself together and lose the weight for me. All the rest will fall into place...whatever that place is going to be.

Once, I asked my husband, what will happen when I lose all the weight? What will change? His head is so wrapped up in my appearance, I wanted to know how our marriage will be different once it's all gone. He really didn't have an answer for me. I guess we'd have more sex, but what about the rest of it? Am I still going to have to initiate all aspects of our relationship? Dates? Affection? Attention?

Last night I asked him to watch a movie with me. We did. He sat on the floor! I asked him to sit on the couch with me, and he said he's more comfortable on the floor. Um, got it. His message is loud and clear. So I made this decision right then....I will get myself together out of necessity. It is the right thing to do for me, and my child, and even if I'm currently annoyed with my husband, it's the right thing to do for him too. 

I will avoid future conversations that could potentially derail my efforts. Again, he mentioned how he thought I was confusing healthy self-esteem with being deluded as to who I really am/what I really look like. I reminded him that I still get attention from men, so he's the one with delusions.


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## Gaia

I am about 40 lbs over weight myself. What motivates me is the workout thread in the social spot and having a supportive spouse. Of course I hadn't had time to do any workouts lately buut I'm hoping I can make time here soon. If you need some extra support.. feel free to join the workout thread in the social spot!. Btw... I think your spouse should be more supportive... him calling you basically delusional is a good way to squash motivation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

Bulletpr00f said:


> It is very much a mental block. I continuously self sabotage my weight loss efforts. I don't know why I do that.


Have you considered counseling to find out why you self sabotage?


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## credamdóchasgra

Bulletpr00f said:


> I have so much motivation to lose the weight, yet I still struggle. It is very much a mental block. I continuously self sabotage my weight loss efforts.
> 
> Sometimes I feel like I crumble under the pressure or that I give up because so much is riding on the weight loss. I realize that these are excuses, but I am being honest.
> 
> I will avoid future conversations that could potentially derail my efforts.


The less you discuss it with your husband right now, the better. He's really just being silly about sitting on the floor, and overstepping a boundary by calling you deluded because you have high self-esteem. YOU are entitled to any view of yourself you want. Just because he disagrees with your view of yourself, does not make you "deluded." It makes you "disagreeing." Any other comments, I'd treat with an eyeroll, a hand up and say "ENOUGH already," and/or walking away. Period. It's up to you to draw a boundary on his remarks and show him you won't take it, especially when you start taking action to get in shape.

I am sure with your motivation and the support you're getting, you'll find a way to go for it that is tailored to your needs. For some people, losing weight is more about overcoming emotional and mental obstacles; for others, it's physical and metabolism-related. 

Whatever your specifics are, I recommend committing yourself to it wholeheartedly, exploring your options and using whatever resources are available to you.

YOU CAN DO IT! :smthumbup:


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## cloudwithleggs

I have a thyroid condition, hashi's and when my thyroid goes out it always puts weight on me, normally 14lbs and nothing i do would change the weight till my levels are correct, but there are worse symptoms than weight gain, hair loss, dry skin, upset tummy, serve muscle weakness and balance issues, so even if you wanted to workout it is very difficult as you can end up over doing and then be bed ridden till recovery.

Now my estranged husband said i was fat, i'm 5' 6" and 125lbs he is 5' 7" and 325lbs because he has lost some weight because he was nearly 400lbs he never keeps it up though.

Of course he is only attracted to slender women and he told me so if i ever got fatter he would not be attracted to me, but didn't understand why i was not attracted to him. :scratchhead:

I had been brainwashed, never will i sleep with a sweat hog again it is disgusting.

You OP are only 30lbs overweight it is nothing and i am certain you will lose it, your husband is being slightly cruel and i think there is more to it than just weight.


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## Template

Perhaps the answer to your question about why you sabotage your weight loss effort lies in the quote below:

"Once, I asked my husband, what will happen when I lose all the weight? What will change? His head is so wrapped up in my appearance, I wanted to know how our marriage will be different once it's all gone. He really didn't have an answer for me. I guess we'd have more sex, but what about the rest of it? Am I still going to have to initiate all aspects of our relationship? Dates? Affection? Attention?"

Do you think that subconsciously you are afraid to face the state of your marriage when you do lose the weight? If you never lose the weight, you never have to face the fact that your H may never meet your need for affection or that he is just manipulative and in some ways, mean. When you do lose the weight, that problem is behind you and you will need to face all the other things that are below the surface. Also, are you sure you have adequately dealt with your resentment at having to return to work when your child was small because he could not financially support your family? You may also have to deal with that.

Still, lose the weight for your well being. Go see a counselor and get some direction on your marital issues. You will have plenty of time to think about them as you lose the weight. Once thin, you will be empowered to deal with your husband and face whatever comes your way. 

FYI, I decided to end my marriage. After I finished losing the weight, I treated myself to a cruise, alone. I formulated an exit plan and executed it. I decided I did not need to live with an emotionally selfish person whose needs were infinitely more important than mine. I restored my self esteem, I took charge of myself and the kids and ended it. He could not believe I could do that to him.


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## La Rose Noire

Template said:


> Rose Noire-
> Different people have different needs. You do not seem to need affection, which makes you a good match for someone who "is just not good at that stuff". You do have the need for a thin spouse and if that need is not met, feel justified in cutting him off from sex.
> O/P had a need for financial security, which her spouse failed to meet. She bucked up, returned to work while her child was small and worked through the resentment his failure caused. O/P has a need for affection. If her H is honest and is really not good at being affectionate and is unwilling to take steps to fix that, she needs to rethink being with him. If he is being dishonest, and is withholding affection to get her to lose weight (which I think might be the case as she does not say he never met her need for affection, only now that she is overweight), she needs to rethink being with him. And if her only value in his life is being thin and attractive, she needs to rethink being with him.


My point obviously flew over your head if you concluded that I do not need affection. I'm extremely affectionate. I crave it. In all it's forms, including sex.

I am only saying that I do not believe the lack of affection in the relationship is solely based on her appearance. Her husband said he is just not good at it. So why not just take him at face value? Sometimes people get comfortable and lazy in relationships and don't do the things they used to as much. Kind of how the OP gained the weight. As for what she wants to do about it, that's up to her. But I do not think the husband is saying her only purpose is staying thin. In a sense, she is not the same woman he married and it's his right to get peeved at it. Just as she has the right to get peeved that he is not the same man (isn't as affectionate as he used to be). 

They have both changed in a way. But to to paint the husband and the sole "bad guy" is unjust.


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## PolkaDottedJams

Enginerd said:


> Would you lose the weight if you were suddenly single?


^^^Wow, powerful question.

Bulletproof, I say many things in this post, and please don't take me personally and infer all my "yous" as being addressed to _you _personally. I am speaking to a host of people reading this post. And it seems you are genuinely concerned with your weight and with wanting to lose it. You also seem just as concerned with your husband's kissing and hand-holding count, which I would encourage you to drop instantly. You don't want him counting your crumbs; don't count his sweet nothings.  Fair's fair.

I also bring attention to the fact that you all but squeezed the info out of him; therefore, try not to hold his HONESTY against him so strongly. Would you have him lie? Simply walk out one day? Cheat? He's done you a favor by simply being honest, though . . . infidelity _did _hit my mind. Now on with my post:

I think it's a shame that, in issues such as these--when a woman gains and retains an excessive amount of weight, that her husband is categorically labeled as shallow, insensitive, crude, a jerk, uncaring, that he's only concerned with the physical, is probably at fault for her weight gain to start with, etc. I am no fitness guru, and when I gained nearly 30 lbs. with childbirth, I was appreciative of my ex's understanding. (I mean, after all, I was carrying his child!) But it took me only *one year* to be fully restored to my pre-pregnancy size and weight (a size 5), and I would have STARVED myself before keeping it, let alone adding to it through the years and forcing him to reconcile with a formless blimp that he did not marry. I think by and large, save a medical condition that is beyond one's control, those who are obese or overweight have only themselves to blame, as it is typically caused by diet and lifestyle habits (not to mention emotional issues). Obesity is not attractive and how do you marry at a smaller size, up the ante by 40 or 50 lbs. or so, and then expect Jack or Jill to still find you sexy, handsome/beautiful, and an object of desire just because they took vows with you? Jack or Jill did not marry you in that condition and probably would NOT have, esp. if he/she is fit or trim. So it’s just as selfish, uncaring, and insensitive of Person A to sit around and carelessly gain weight and sabotage the marital integrity as they are accusing Person B of being by expressing resentment or dismay over the weight gain. 

IMO, it is downright abusive to gain excessive weight once married with no concern as to its effect on one’s SO--especially if they have voiced their dismay. (_Neglect _is a form of abuse.) It is further irresponsible and childish to expect that this person should never approach you with the truth as to the effect your weight is having on him/her and their sexual desire for you (or the lack of it). What happened to honesty in marriage? Would you not expect to tell him how his criticism affected you? How his alcoholism was destroying your marriage? How his immaturity or financial indiscretion impacted your feelings for him? How his workaholism was leaving you lonely enough to pine for affection elsewhere? Then how is he held in such contempt for informing you of the effect your weight gain is having on his desire factor? Yes, we vow “for better or for worse.” But that promise carries with it the innuendo of something beyond one’s control. If an earthquake takes everything we have, if you lose your job, if our child dies, if you become disfigured, etc . . . I will still love you. NOT if you “disfigure” yourself through gluttony, laziness, selfishness, or otherwise alter your appearance of your own mechanisms until you resemble nothing that I fell in love with. That is the height of inconsideration and selfishness . . . but one's SO is accused of these very behaviors for merely bringing this to one's attention? If you decide to Mohawk your hair, have forehead implants, file a few teeth down, tack on 20 facial piercings, and turn your skin green . . . does your spouse have any right to rescind the wedding vows and walk out? What’s the difference if you decidedly become an inactive, lethargic, irresponsible blimp (with health problems to boot) that he/she didn’t sign up for?

My ex (emphasis on _ex_) gained a good deal of weight after we married and became unkempt in his appearance. The flab and unkemptness combined to almost completely cost me my sexual desire for him and produced an incredible amount of frustration for me personally, including a basic contempt and disrespect for him. (More so because of his apathetic attitude.) Meanwhile, he couldn’t get enough of my size 5 frame. We have no right to “rob” our spouses of the attractive person we offered them at the altar and then demand their undying allegiance to our unattractive replacement. Ask yourself this: if you looked on your wedding day like you do now/at 50 lbs heavier, would there have BEEN a wedding day?! I trow not! Don’t punish your spouse—who fell in love with you as much physically (in part) as they did emotionally—by gaining unseemly weight and then accuse them for their shallowness or "lack of love" for you because their desire for you has waned. Wanting your husband to unequivocally desire you through a 50+-lb weight gain that you refuse to lose is merely your way of ignoring your own issues and not holding yourself responsible for letting yourself go. It’s simply not fair to either one of you or to the marriage itself. 

That said, again Bulletproof, the above is in response to your subject--not a personal assault of your character or virtues whatsoever, and I'm not implying that it all applies to you.  Food for thought, if nothing else. Thirty pounds _isn_'t the end of the world. Fifty is another matter and more than that is inexcusable--certainly not in "youthful" years. (55 and below!) Grant your husband the gift of a desirable you again. Enlist his participation and invite his encouragement. If the flame doesn't rekindle, he's hidin' something.


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## PolkaDottedJams

cloudwithleggs said:


> . . . your husband is being slightly cruel and i think there is more to it than just weight.


How is he being *cruel *if he only answered truthfully what she pressed and squeezed out of him--which he reportedly "hated" telling her? This man keeps getting more and more grotesque with each post, when he himself apparently didn't bring the issue up; he merely responded to her prodding. :scratchhead:


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## Enginerd

There seems to a basic premise here that a man should be attracted to his wife regardless of her physical appearance. As if he can control that attraction and he should just power through everything she chooses to do (Not talking about accidents or medical issues). I find this type of thinking to be delusional. My wife has never been a "skinny mini" type of gal. She has soft curves and I love them. I've always been attracted to slighty plump girls. I've never expected perfection and I think most men don't. I'm certainly not perfect. That said when she gained another 40 pounds on top of the +20 she already had it did affect my attraction and respect. She wasn't the same person. Everything changes when your 60 pounds overweight. You sweat more. You smell more. You can't move well. You may not be able to have sex in the same way. You are more unhealty. You have less energy. You have less clothing options. You might have lower self esteem. Your feet and knees get sore easily. The list goes on and on. I will never accept that an otherwise healthy person refuses to be accountable for their actions with regards to food and excersize. It's a bunch of PC crap that allows people to make excuses for their own bad behavior. America has completely lost perspective on this issue. In other countries people call a spade a spade. They say " Hey why are you so fat?".


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## Viseral

Enginerd said:


> There seems to a basic premise here that a man should be attracted to his wife regardless of her physical appearance. As if he can control that attraction and he should just power through everything she chooses to do (Not talking about accidents or medical issues). I find this type of thinking to be delusional. My wife has never been a "skinny mini" type of gal. She has soft curves and I love them. I've always been attracted to slighty plump girls. I've never expected perfection and I think most men don't. I'm certainly not perfect. That said when she gained another 40 pounds on top of the +20 she already had it did affect my attraction and respect. See wasn't the same person. Everything changes when your 60 pounds overweight. You sweat more. You smell more. You can't move well. You may not be able to have sex in the same way. You are more unhealty. You have less energy. You have less clothing options. You might have lower self esteem. Your feet and knees get sore easily. The list goes on and on. I will never accept that an otherwise healthy person refuses to be accountable for their actions with regards to food and excersize. It's a bunch of PC crap that allows people to make excuses for their own bad behavior. America has completely lost perspective on this issue. In other countries people call a spade a spade. They say " Hey why are you so fat?".


Well said!


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## PolkaDottedJamz

I second that motion! The man has spoken! Women, listen up!
:iagree:


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## brokenbythis

cloudwithleggs said:


> I have a thyroid condition, hashi's and when my thyroid goes out it always puts weight on me, normally 14lbs and nothing i do would change the weight till my levels are correct, but there are worse symptoms than weight gain, hair loss, dry skin, upset tummy, serve muscle weakness and balance issues, so even if you wanted to workout it is very difficult as you can end up over doing and then be bed ridden till recovery.
> 
> Now my estranged husband said i was fat, i'm 5' 6" and 125lbs he is 5' 7" and 325lbs because he has lost some weight because he was nearly 400lbs he never keeps it up though.
> 
> Of course he is only attracted to slender women and he told me so if i ever got fatter he would not be attracted to me, but didn't understand why i was not attracted to him. :scratchhead:
> 
> I had been brainwashed, never will i sleep with a sweat hog again it is disgusting.
> 
> You OP are only 30lbs overweight it is nothing and i am certain you will lose it, your husband is being slightly cruel and i think there is more to it than just weight.


I gained 60 lbs when I was pregnant at 36 yo. I have lost 30 lbs of it, I have tried so hard. I exercise, watch watch I eat, cook healthy meals, don't drink alcohol, etc. I'm in my mid-40s now and I still try. I'm still attractive and dress well. I wear make up and do my hair. I take care of myself I just struggle to lose these last 30 lbs.

My estranged husband told me I was too fat and my weight gain affected his feelings towards me. Am I just a piece of meat? 

Over the same 12 yrs of marriage and dating, he's ballooned to 285 lbs and yo-yo'd back and forth. Right now he's about 260. I've caught him placing personal ads on the internet looking for a "slim woman". Is he serious?

So if all that matters is how you look, what happens when you get old and wrinkled? Is that another excuse to leave you?

Like yours, my STBXH snores, sweats and farts non stop. Dresses like a slob. But I'm so unattractive????

Looks don't last forever....


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## ladybird

I personally think that your weight is an excuse for something else going on. Some one who is supposed to love you, should not ever make you feel bad about yourself


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## tiredwife&sahm

PolkaDottedJamz said:


> I second that motion! The man has spoken! Women, listen up!
> :iagree:


Whatever! Men listen up women don't want your beer bellies poking out about 10 feet either. 

This is ridiculous. If she slimmed down today he would find her unattractive for some other reason. Honey, do yourself a favor start ignoring him completely. Stop including him and live your life even if that means being okay with no affection. My dh is passive aggressive. I know first hand about their abusive ways and nothing is ever enough. You'll never get him to meet your needs as long as you live. Passive aggressive people don't change and not because they can't, it's because they won't.


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## Serong

this world is so strange
I am a husband with 2 children. after having 2 kids, my wife is still as skinny as before we were married ..... and I hate it.
I expect my wife to be fat after giving birth because I love obese women, but she did not! and she never wanted to be obese even though I begged her so many times.
:slap:


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## SomeDamagedGoods

> My husband, after much prodding, confessed that he's significantly less attracted to me. This was about four years ago. I've since lost and kept off 20lbs. He has said really hurtful things that I know he hated saying, but they stuck with me. Things like how I look nothing like the person he married.


Your husband probably feels pretty bad about not being attracted to you due to the weight issue. After all, what kind of shallow person stops loving someone when they gain weight? You mentioned it took prodding before he "confessed" about weight being an issue. At least he was honest about the matter - maybe he didn't say anything before because he didn't want to hurt you and he cares how you feel. Once it was out in the open, maybe a bit "too much" was said and that hurt.

This is causing conflict in his own mind and eventually triggers resentment toward you. You mentioned that he keeps in good shape - so weight loss and "looking good" he may view as easy things to do - and so the weight is viewed as you not caring much to look good for him. His workouts may even be his passive-aggressive way of dealing with this - "I'm holding up my end of the deal here."

I really feel for you - but I think you have a good attitude toward the situation. Ultimately you may lose the weight and discovered things about your husband you may not have known before, both good and bad.

This thread has a hint of husband bashing. Sure - maybe he deserves some blame here, but if you are trying to fix things up, then building bridges and getting things out the open is better than withdrawing.


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## Open up now let it all go

brokenbythis said:


> So if all that matters is how you look, what happens when you get old and wrinkled? Is that another excuse to leave you?


I don't think the natural aging process is unattractive, it happens to all of us. But excessive weight gain is a huge turn-off for me. My gf gained a lot of weight in a short amount of time as a result of emotional eating, bad eating habits and complete lack of excersize. I can't help but get some stomach turn when I look at old pictures of us back then. Were halfway our twenties and it should be the easiest to keep track of our weight now. I know there's people on TAM that consider smoking a turn-off and I can't imagine them getting grilled if they complained here that their partner all of a sudden became a full-time smoker. So why is weight management such a sensitive issue?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fledgling

It is one thing to do something for your spouse when you don't have alot riding on it emotionally. I don't care what my hair looks like but my husband likes it medium length, just brushing my shoulders. So that's how I keep it because I am not emotionally invested in my hair and he is. He could care less about having a beard or not. I like a beard on him so he keeps it. He does that for me because he is not emotionally invested in the beard and it makes me happy. If he got razor rash how shallow would I be to expect him to go through that pain just so I could like looking at him? But people are emotionally invested in their weight in one way or another. How they choose to deal with it is intensely personal (have you seen a vegan gag at the mere mention of a pork chop?). To have anyone state an opinion on something so personal breeds alot of counterproductive efforts. Just as overweight people resist losing weight, so an anorexic person can not force themselves to gain weight without becoming violently ill. No matter how much you love someone when you are intensely emotionally invested in something they will not hold any permanent influence over your actions. To expect a wife to lose weight for her family is okay as long as one knows that she is in charge and control and also that you can not punish said wife if she doesn't lose the weight quickly enough or doesn't lose as much weight as you think she should. The thing that I see with spouses who rag on their husband and wives weight is that somehow they will magically know when the spouse has lost "enough". Like magically they will somehow become instantly more attracted to their partner when they lose fifty pounds. And that they act superior that they can "tough it out" with the fat spouse while the overweight partner actually has to work very hard to lose the weight. IMHO, as I've said elsewhere, you lose weight easier when you become happier as a whole person, not as a person who focuses on their weight to make them happy.


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