# Is it normal for me to be frightened?



## sunray (May 12, 2013)

Hello all,

I'm looking for some encouragement and advice from other women who have been where I am currently. 

My H and I are getting a divorce. Long story and I'm not going into why, however it's something we've both agreed where our marriage is headed. If you're curious you may read the other thread I started. 

The divorce process is on hold due to the fact that I'm a SAHM that works part time, but trying to reenter the full time work force. 

We have both agreed that our children need both parents in their lives so we will have 50/50 residential and financial custody. Now, he will always make at least 3x the money as myself as he never left the workforce, so he will have some child support to pay and agreed to it but I plan on being able to support my children just as much as he. Also, as I will not be able to pay the mortgage on the house, he will be keeping the house, and me being the one to move out. I want him to keep the house so the children may claim residence there and continue to attend their school. Because of this, I will not receive spousal support, which is fine with me, I don't want anything from him. 

I've been applying for jobs for weeks and got my first call back. I'm excited but also VERY frightened. My future is unset and I have no money. Is it normal to feel this way? I know my family would never let me or my kids live on the streets and will always be there for me, however this call back is the 1st step in this process. 

Did anyone else feel this way? 

Thank you,
Sunray


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Any gigantic change in your life can be frightening. This would scare me too, I know. You're used to having a partner and someone to count on, and now it's all you going back out into the world again. Do you have a support system, or family you can lean on? Good luck finding a good job, and just remember to put one foot in front of the other!


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

hopelessromantic1 said:


> Any gigantic change in your life can be frightening. This would scare me too, I know. You're used to having a partner and someone to count on, and now it's all you going back out into the world again. Do you have a support system, or family you can lean on? Good luck finding a good job, and just remember to put one foot in front of the other!


Thanks, I was just about to post that I never have luck on this forum. LOL

I do have a supportive family. I need to move on as things will turn back to normal with him. 

I guess I'm afraid to make the first steps and leave because he gets so angry and have dealt with so much of it. Once the proceedings start it's the beginning of the end, which I couldn't welcome more, but also is going to open up to more verbal threats and screaming and freak-out sessions. 

I'm probably more afraid of leaving him then starting a new job.


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

You're welcome. It bothers me when I post and sixty thousand people read but don't give any support, that's why I answered you. Sometimes we just need people to confirm that we're not crazy LOL

As far as the screaming, etc...don't tolerate it. Period. If it starts, leave. If he can't act like a grown-up, then cut him off right there. It's harder to just walk away, I agree.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Sunray,

To be honest I read a post like yours and know I have no experience with this kind of thing. I would just feel extreme sorrow for what you are going through. So the only thing I could post would be so sorry you are going through this. You are already doing the most important thing which is leaving.

I often wonder do that really help in a case like yours or is it even more frustrating to read reply and get no advice, just sympathy or empathy? Any way I do hope you will be strengthen by God to carry out your plan for a better life for you and your little girls.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Baby steps. Do the things that you can... the things that are possible. And it sounds like you ARE. Good for you. 

If he gets angry, or ignorant, or whatever.... try to let it go, if possible remind him that "we need to be calm about this FOR the children". Don't let yourself get sucked into negativity.... it's over, you don't have to fight with him any more. While divorcing my ex-jerk, I just mentally activated my "sh*t shield" every time he was around, because even when it wasn't ugly it was always stupid at best! 

You have plans. That is great. Now focus on those. Focus on getting the job, finding a place and getting it together. You are going to feel kind of scared and waaaaaaaaaaaay relieved once you are out! 

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I'm wondering why you don't think you will get support?

The whole point of alimony is that you took time off from a career to raise the children while he worked. Raising children and keeping a house is work too.
If the house is a mutual asset he should have to buy you out (giving you money to find new place) Why would he just automatically get the house? Do you have any equity in it?

I would discuss these financial matters with your lawyer. Sadly things can change in a divorce, and you need money to live.

I am filing for order of protection and emergency support tomorrow and YES I am scared.

But once you face your fears you will wonder what you were so scared about


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I'm just going to add something I read today.

Don't settle for less during your divorce proceedings, your children are well taken care of because of the sacrifices you made.

Remember- divorce isn't about being nice, it's about survival.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married. How old are your children?

Have you talked to a lawyer? Whose idea was this settlement idea?

If you have not had a job in a long time, you are very right to be scared in today's economy. It might take you a long time to find work.

As someone else stated, the equity in the house is 50% yours. There are other solutions to you just signing over half of the equity to him. I dont' know how much it is but it could be a large sum.

He could buy out your 50%.

He could live in the house but then it's sold either when he moves or when the children each age 18. At that time he has to give you 50% of the equity.

What are the alimony laws in your state? It seems that you think your are noble turning down alimony... you are not. Do you really think it's a good thing for him to suddenly have nothing? Do you think this is something that your children would want?

When you file for divorce, your attorney can file for interim spousal and child support. That's in place until the divorce is final. Then you can probably get rehabilitative alimony and child support. 

The reason for rehabilitative alimony is to help you get the training or education you need and to get a good job. This makes up for you being out of the work force for years.

It sounds like you need an attorney who will help you here. Your decisions make no sense at all.


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## happynlucky (Jan 30, 2012)

Its perfectly normal to be frightened. I would have gone nuts if my support system goes off. I am also a SAHM and looking for a job (my husband doesn't want me to work at all). I am not getting one as in India, it becomes very difficult after a gap of 5 years. You are lucky , u got one. Avail this opportunity. Go ahead, have faith in yourself. All the best. U will soon be out of every bad in your life.


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

I'm on my phone so hopefully you can understand this. 

Thanks for replying

1. I have my upper level college degrees so that should help me but the job search and applying is slow. 
2. With the state I live in, I could rake him over the coals but won't. 
3 I have an attorney. I have spoken to her about my wishes. She didn't dispute them. I'm just being real, I will never be able to afford this house even with support. Lets put it this way, I'm not allowed to use CC but he's managed to put over 10,000 on them. I don't what it is on there, car repair or gifts or stuff got the house?? He cashed my IRA which was were we put my 4o1k after leavening work to pay off CC two years ago and now their back up. I'm fighting not to have a single dime of that. I paid the first round off with my retirement. I plan on asking for a settlement by taking his IRA that is his 4o1k form a previous job. He doesn't have the $$ to pay spousal support and child support. 
4. I will live with my parents until I'm on my feet, they have a huge house. 
5. My kids love their dad. He can care for them, cook and so forth. 

6. I HAVE TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. Does matter what the cost is to me. My kids will be cared for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Yes, it's very normal to feel this way. I re-entered the work force after being a SAHM for several years, and ended being responsible for the lion's share of child support for our son even though my ex-H earned a lot more than I did. Shared custody was rare back then, and my ex only exercised access when it suited him and his new W. It was an enormous struggle juggling caring for our son and holding down (at one time) 3 jobs in order to support us, and I didn't have a life of my own for many, many years...

With 50/50 custody, I think you'll find that you will get your life sorted out pretty quickly, OP.


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## sunray (May 12, 2013)

This is still so frightening to me because I know this is going to be so painful for my children. 

The older one is effected by the way the H treats me, I've seen it. However, I still can sense that she's not going to understand what's going on. She's 8 yr old BTW. My other daughter is 4. I'm waiting for the "why can't you just say you're sorry to each other and make up?" 

I know it's the correct decision as he has made no effort to attend any MC sessions or IC for himself. I attend IC weekly to gain some self confidence, I am pretty hard on my self and feel like a total failure, and help prepare myself for re-entering the full time work force and be the best parent I can be to my kids. He just continually blames me for the problems in the marriage, which at this point, I could give a sh*t. 

I also fear that through this job searching process he feels that things are just heading back to normal, as it takes time to find a job. I'm going to get out of my "funk" and go back to normal. He has said that if I just listen to him everything would be fine, ummm yeah for him! We've had issues for years, and now I guess you can say " I've grown a set," and I'm not putting up with it. 

Too much damage has been done and nothing to repair it. One person can not repair a marriage, so my fear is that I'm going to relive the craziness of his violent out bursts all over again when he finds out I have a job and am filing for the Divorce.


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