# Post Divorce - OM part of my kids life and not coping well



## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

I need some advice or at least a safe place to vent. I've been divorced nearly a year and have not been on the forum for a very long time. I've come a long way in my recovery except for one issue: My Ex is still with OM she had an EA with at the close of our marriage. Their relationship is becoming more serious and my Ex has brought him into the lives of our young children - we have 50/50 custody. The relationship is long distance, so to contact only happens via Skype and the occasional visit. 

I'm definitely over my Ex but very worried about this guy becoming part of my kids' life when odds are he's going to disappear some day. He used to be a drunk, has had several affairs, been divorced twice, and has very little custody of his own child - I simply don't see how he's going to be a positive role model. I'll also admit its hard that he will be part of my kids' life - I've wanted so much to move on yet this dark part of my past has been thrust into my life again. 

Any advice? How have any of you handled similar situations? I know I cannot control who my Ex dates or who she brings around the kids. Its just that we have one chance to raise the kids right and have a bad feeling about this. I've tried to talk to my ex about it (I admit my tone has been angry) but she is so defensive. Its like the affair fog all over again. 

I know that all I can do is be the best dad that I can and that's what I'll do. 

Okay - at least venting I feel better.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

There's not much you can do. I'm in the same position and have decided to bury my head in the sand. My ex has become a bad role model and is not an ideal parent but I'll never believe that she will willingly harm our kids. Therefore I have to believe that her AP won't harm our kids either. I choose just to not know about when they're around him. We have joint custody and I have very little say as to what she does when they're with her. Besides, she isn't too happy about who I have my kids around either.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

cantdecide said:


> There's not much you can do. I'm in the same position and have decided to bury my head in the sand. My ex has become a bad role model and is not an ideal parent but I'll never believe that she will willingly harm our kids. Therefore I have to believe that her AP won't harm our kids either. I choose just to not know about when they're around him. We have joint custody and I have very little say as to what she does when they're with her. Besides, she isn't too happy about who I have my kids around either.


thanks for the feedback. We were doing well in the last few weeks co-parenting but I blew up at her last night. I was so angry to find out OM was coming to town and staying while the kids were with her. You are correct that I need to back off and realize I have no control, yet things like this can have such an affect on the life of kids. My ex is one who will manipulate and rationalize so that she appears to be making the right choices. I feel like this is an issue where my opinion will never matter to her.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

This is one of my biggest fears too. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do about it except be the best Dad you can be and watch for any signs in your kids that something is wrong.

I have already been told by our mediator that one of the facts of divorce (even separation) is that I cannot control what my STBXW does when she has our kids. So this woman, who was a very detached, selfish mother for the past 5 - 6 years will now look after our kids 50% of the time (a recent change) in her one bedroom condo. 50% is far more time than she has ever spent with them in the past 5 - 6 years. And she has nothing but toxic girlfriends seeking equally toxic partners.

All I can do is watch and hope for the best and look for signs of parental alienation or worse. It's all anybody can do, unfortunately.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

DSSM9500 said:


> thanks for the feedback. We were doing well in the last few weeks co-parenting but I blew up at her last night. I was so angry to find out OM was coming to town and staying while the kids were with her. You are correct that I need to back off and realize I have no control, yet things like this can have such an affect on the life of kids. My ex is one who will manipulate and rationalize so that she appears to be making the right choices. I feel like this is an issue where my opinion will never matter to her.


Not sure how old your kids are but one day they'll look back and realize what was going on.

In my case, my ex lied to my kids about her having an affair. As soon as she moved out she started seeing her AP openly. They now know for a fact that she was seeing someone while married. It has tainted my sons view of her and it was none of my doing. My daughter continues to not accept what she sees and that's fine. I'm not out to ruin my ex's relationship with the kids. My ex does that very well by herself.

I know it's not easy (still isn't for me) but just be the best dad you can be. Don't worry about your ex. Karma will take care of things.


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## DSSM9500 (Sep 16, 2011)

cantdecide said:


> Not sure how old your kids are but one day they'll look back and realize what was going on.


My kids are very young so they don't have an idea of what's going on. I do worry about my ex's subtle manipulation. she used to always joke that to get her way, she just needed to convince people it was there idea. She's also very self centered and when talking to her about this issue its very easy to read between the lines: she is being the kids into this long distance relationship for her benefit and her happiness. And since she was a master of rationalizing her EA, I'm sure she still has the mindset of rationalizing her actions as being okay. 

I also worry about her neglecting the kids while she texts, talks on the phone, skypes, etc. This was a big issue when we were married - she would get so wrapped up online. I know she tries to be a good mother, yet I know the person she is and don't trust that she has changed much. 

I feel better today, but its so frustrating to have come so far, yet still have this ghost from the past in my life - and I didn't ask for it. At the very least, I know the anger protects me and keeps me on my toes.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

DSSM - you need to watch for the subtle signs of parental alienation when you are dealing with an ex like yours. My STBXW is similar. Very self-centered - wants to be viewed as a "victim" of the separation. She has on several occassions told my girls that "she didn't want to leave, but Daddy wouldn't let her stay in the house". i.e. trying to make ME look like the "bad guy".

I had to sit down with the girls and tell them that Mommy CHOSE to leave, without getting into details about her cheating. 

When we were together, for the last few years my wife was also less attentive to the kids (mainly because I was around). So even on family outings, she had her blackberry always in hand, answering texts from her toxic girlfriends. In hindsight, she was never really "with" the family for a few years. (Ironically, now that she is trying to look after them 50% of the time - I quickly realized how much I did and she is realizing how much time and effort is involved.) 


You DO have to watch for stuff too. Eg - once (when I my youngest had a swim meet, but my eldest didn't - so she was at my wife's) - my wife somehow managed to coordinate my daughter to be downtown to hang out with friends while my wife attended a toxic girlfriend's birthday party at a downtown club. I found out when I got a text from my daughter saying she was downtown with friends (friends I did not know). I thought this was irresponsible of my wife - as her clubbing seemed to be a higher priority than her daughter - or at least her decision to let my 14 year old daughter hang out aimlessly downtown on a Friday night was clouded by her own desire to go out herself. IRRESPONSIBLE PARENTING.

I guess since you are already divorced you may have to live with having not much say - you just have to keep a vigil and watch for any bad signs. I am keeping a daily journal, just so I have some sort of record or tally. This was recommended by boh my lawyer as well as our mediator.


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