# Why does not getting sexual needs met right before my Husband leaves makes me see OW?



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm feeling the full hurt of my husbands betrayal even though I know he's not thinking of her or hasn't seen or talked to her since he moved back in with me new years. 
He's leaving tomorrow morning for out of state work to takes call for work on Monday. Tonight he got his needs met which are rather weird. He wanted me to make sure he didn't have any skin imperfection on his back and arms. He likes me to rub his back and arms too. I didn't really give him a massage, but just lightly rubbed here and there. I had at first told him no because I won't get my needs and I don't have my toy anymore. ( I do like him more than the toy though) I wanted him so badly and he didn't do a thing. 

To him time spent with me and me touching him in a non sexual way is what he needs. I want to touch him in a totally sexual way. I love to touch his prnis and he denies me that. I do tell him what I need and tell him what I want. He seems to view sex as bad. If I tell him too much of what I need or talk for too long about it then he will get mad. 

I feel like I need to go to out MC by myself while he's gone and talk to her about why I'm do hurt snd how he reacts to me telling him about what I need. 

Now tonight I'm also hurt because I feel the betrayal full on like it just happened. As far as I know his affair was full sexual. OW told me it was almost all sex. My Husbsnd first told me that it was just 1 time, but then he admitted that it wasn't 1 time that it was several times. He also admitted that he didn't use protection, but says it was her idea. OW says that he used protection once. I don't know who is telling the truth here, but I don't trust the OW at all because she lied several times to me. I caught her in several lies. 

I'm hurt because he gave her what I needed. I do know that avioisly he didn't have a emotional connection with that sex. He seems to view sex as bad. There are times that he's very forward though like 2 weeks ago. He just doesn't seem to want me to ever iniate. He seems to get angry if I initiate.
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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

I suspect that, like most of us, it may not necessarily be the sexual connection you miss but the validation that he finds you sexually desirable.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I know he finds me sexually desirable. He always has his hands on me, always spanking my ass, always kissing me. We had great sex 2 wks ago where he totally took me by suprise. 

I just think he can't perform when he has anxiety. Tonight he begged me to let him wait a couple days before leaving to travel or even to wait for 2 weeks. He also wanted me to go with him and then fly back home in a couple weeks. We found out yesterday that it's not possible for me to go with him because we can't afford it. He never told me why he wanted me to go besides that he wanted me there to help him get settled. When we found out that I can't go, he was bummed beyond believe. 

We are living at his parents house now and I suspect that he can't perform while living here even though I asked if he could which he said he could, but he hasn't. Even though a week ago while we were in the car he said he wanted me, but by the time it was night time, kids asleep and us in our bedroom...he showed no interest even with me prompting
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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

You're hurt because you are feeling rejected again and this will stir up all the feelings from the A. 
Does he know how this rejection makes you feel? 
I know know it's difficult but you really need to tell him how his rejection makes you feel.
It must be very hurtful for you knowing. That his A was so sexual when he isn't giving to you. This Definately needs to be addressed in MC.
I feel for you hon. I take rejection very personally and it hurts to be turned down in this way.
Hugs to you
X
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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

There seems to be quite a bit going on here. Maybe he was desperate to have you go with him because he thought you would revenge cheat on him while he was gone. Did you ever settle things with the MIL? I remember you had issues with the unhealthy food, and the general spoiling of your kids by her.

Sex is a major part of any healthy adult relationship. You two need to address this issue in MC as soon as you are able. He should be going out of his way to make sure your needs are fulfilled. He was the one that stepped out on your marriage, right? He certainly should have no problems with you initiating, or with you using toys by yourself, or asking him to use toys on you. Toys are not a replacement for a partner, and any man that is threatened by a toy in the bedroom has deeper issues with insecurity to deal with. I posted in your other thread about toys, feel free to PM if you have any other questions on that topic.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> You're hurt because you are feeling rejected again and this will stir up all the feelings from the A.
> Does he know how this rejection makes you feel?
> I know know it's difficult but you really need to tell him how his rejection makes you feel.
> It must be very hurtful for you knowing. That his A was so sexual when he isn't giving to you. This Definately needs to be addressed in MC.
> ...


My Husband just left to drive out of state. He wanted to know why I didn't sleep and night and why I cried all night. I told him he got what he needed last night and I shouldn't have worn the sexy underwear I'm wearing. I said we didn't get to do what I needed last night or before he left and now he's going to be gone for months. He said he had too much anxiety cause he didn't want to go or else we would have. 

I'm so sad this time that he's leaving like no other time. Part of it is probably that I want to be with him in the car for the drive to the place I love. Before our seperation we didn't really do any traveling in the car just me and him, now it's a special time.

I'm so unbelievable sad that I may not even do what I had planned today. I was going to take the kids swimming for a really good part of the day, bringing lunch and snacks for them
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