# Seeking Advice on how to approach a man with Aspie and ADHD



## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Hi wise community,

One of my friends brought to my attention that there is a guy she knows, who might be compatible with me. I looked him up and started following him on social media for a couple months. I found many points in common and shared values between us. I'm 51, he is 47. I initiated contact a couple weeks ago and he responded positively. He lives around 75 miles away from me (this is not a huge deal if you live in California), so I drove to him and we spent the entire day together. Hiked, had lunch, went to a park, chatted, had a long walk in the park. We connected really well and clearly enjoyed each other's company. 

This guy is fairly open about his AS/autism. Later in our exchanges (we have been texting since we met), he said that he also has ADHD with a pretty high IQ. I had already noticed his intelligence, and I am highly attracted to a man's intelligence before anything else. Anyway, he warned me that he learned from previous relationships to take things slowly and not rush into a relationship, so that he doesn't do or say things that might offend me. I agreed to take things slowly and I started to read online about people with autism. 

During our meeting, he mentioned that he keeps in touch with all his exes, and later in our text exchanges, he said that he hates casual sex because trust and control are crucial for him in a sexual relationship, so he takes his time knowing the person before getting intimate with her. He also said he has been previously in poly relationships, and he believes that relationships should not be locked down. My reply was that this is a dealbreaker for me; I won't enter in a poly and will leave a relationship if my partner proposes polyamory. He then kind of backed and said that poly relationships make him uncomfortable and he tries to discourage them, but has no philosophical objections to them, so he ends up consenting to having them although reluctantly. So here I am confused a bit as to his position, and because he is not comfortable talking on the phone, I need to wait until I see him in person to clarify this point. He seems to get the point that this is a non-negotiable for me, but when I told him I will never engage in poly, he didn't confirm whether he will or not, and I didn't want to sound pushy, so I let it go and thought I'll discuss this when I see him in person. 

Another area of confusion: I initiated contact and proposed to meet, and I almost always initiate communication. He has always been very responsive, but he initiates communication less often than I do. I learned that Aspies don't initiate contact and don't usually make plans, so it is preferable that the partner takes charge of this. He made it clear that he is interested in me, but he said he resists the idea of dating; he likes to start a friendship and see where it goes. He also repeatedly said that he is blunt and honest, he never cheated and will never cheat on a partner (because I expressed skepticism regarding him keeping in touch with exes). 

For those familiar with Aspie + ADHD conditions, what kind of advice would you give me? How should I proceed with this guy? I really like him and I see a potential with him, but I don't want to keep pursuing and initiating everything if he is capable of doing it on his own. I know every person with this condition is different, but I thought they might share some traits in common that would help orient a potential partner. I have to add that he repeatedly said that it is hard for him to interpret people's facial expressions or body language.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It sounds like you’re not really compatible at all?

He has a lot of inconsistencies… I felt very frustrated reading that, and it doesn’t sound like you’re all that drawn to him?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Setting up for a disaster.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's hard to see how you are compatable, even if just that he sees nothing wrong with more than one sexual partner at a time and that he is still in contact with all of his exes. 
Red flags here.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

When my ex husband to be and I were having marriage counselling, our counsellor suggested my husband is an Aspie and this was the cause of much of the issues I was experiencing. He refused to agree with it but everything I subsequently read rang true.

In short, my experience was:
1. Always feeling low on his priority list, unless he had no other distractions. Then he expected me to be there and would become frustrated when I wasn't. I always felt I was waiting for him to be free for me.
2. Poor communication. Some of our issues were caused because he wouldn't communicate well with his ex over his son's needs (and her wants), but some were caused by the fact he rarely initiated communicating with me.
3. I had more of a parent/child relationship. I was the fixer of everything. He only proactively worked on things which interested him, or helped me when all other distractions were gone. This means he could have done some of the things I needed if they were important enough to him.
4. The above all left me feeling lonely the majority of the time, and as we lived away from any of my family and friends, I had no outlet for that.

The counsellor did advise me that an Aspie/neurodiverse marriage can work, but in our situation I would most likely need to accept I would need to be the one always pulling him along behind me. That was too exhausting when some of my basic care needs weren't met.

As you say, every Aspie/Autistic/ADHD person is different, there isn't a guiding rule. You need to decide for yourself whether the autistic traits this guy has can work for you or not. Unfortunately for me, my husband did not show them early in our relationship - not fully as he pursued me, and I was too overly accepting of some situations I should have stood up for more, so when, after 11 years total together, I was tired of it, my husband didn't understand. In his view I'd changed, not him.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Why would someone even entertain the notion of getting involved in something like this?


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Luckylucky said:


> It sounds like you’re not really compatible at all?
> 
> He has a lot of inconsistencies… I felt very frustrated reading that, and it doesn’t sound like you’re all that drawn to him?


I was drawn to him after we met in person. He has a magnetic personality and is humble at the same time. As we started discussing over texts, I noticed the inconsistencies, which had me take a step back and think about whether this is a trait Aspies share and a partner can address, or is it something I don't want to deal with by not starting a relationship at all with him. 

He mentioned that he was not readily accepted by other kids during his childhood, and this might (or might not) explain why he changed his statements when I said I won't be in a poly situation, so that I won't reject the idea of starting something with him. I still didn't get a clear statement from him that he won't start it in the future, which I intend to address next time I see him in person. He ruled out any sex before we really know each other, and also that is conditioned on whether we want to be with each other, which I understand considering that he needs more time than neurotypical people to feel comfortable with a person before deciding to be intimate with them.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> It's hard to see how you are compatable, even if just that he sees nothing wrong with more than one sexual partner at a time and that he is still in contact with all of his exes.
> Red flags here.


Yeah, for me it's a red flag, and I know with certainty that this is something that makes me uncomfortable and won't accept it in a relationship. What I'm trying to do by starting this thread is to ask for others who are/have experience with Aspies, and see if this is linked to the way his brain is wired. In other words, I'm trying to put myself in his shoes to understand why he stays in touch with all his exes (and they all do too). One explanation might be that they are familiar to him, and every new person stresses the heck out of him, because he has a hard time reading body language and facial expressions and even layered statements.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

It seems like this is just asking for pain and hard times for your future.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> Why would someone even entertain the notion of getting involved in something like this?


That's a great question, and this is why I started this thread. I see we can be great friends, but after I had to initiate communication during the last ten days or so, I feel that I can't do this for ever. Usually I let the man pursue me when I start dating, and after about ten days of initiating communication I start to feel that this is not something I want to engage in romantically. He does initiate communication sometimes, and the way he does it is not to say niceties or platitudes or just to say "good morning"; no, he sends an article that might be of interest to me, or a warning that the sunscreen I saw me using might contain benzene. Or he would share funny stuff related to any of our conversations. Or he would send me a post he creates before he shares it on his social media account, saying I get to see it first. So he does communicate, but not in a typical way a man would, and I find the way he communicates is actually charming because meaningful. He just doesn't do it frequently or even regularly. 

Once I send the first text, we have hour-long exchanges, and I see in him a lot of qualities that make him a great friend, but it could be exhausting at times to be a romantic partner to him, and he seems to be well aware of this. He is not trying to rush things or mask his condition. He also said that people coming to him expecting normal are disappointed and frustrated and this ends up being hurtful to both him and the partners. Some of his friends try to understand the way he functions and stuck by him, and he appreciates them the most. 

Starting the discussion here is for me 1) getting advice and input from people familiar with Aspies, 2) thinking aloud and trying to understand myself and him, and 3) seeing my interactions with him from a critical distance.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

MarmiteC said:


> When my ex husband to be and I were having marriage counselling, our counsellor suggested my husband is an Aspie and this was the cause of much of the issues I was experiencing. He refused to agree with it but everything I subsequently read rang true.
> 
> In short, my experience was:
> 1. Always feeling low on his priority list, unless he had no other distractions. Then he expected me to be there and would become frustrated when I wasn't. I always felt I was waiting for him to be free for me.
> ...


Thanks for your input. I did follow the discussion you had started on your situation, and you give a picture of how a relationship with an Aspie might end up. You stbxh seems to be selectively interested in things or people around him, and this is helpful to know. If I start a relationship with this guy, I might end up on the bottom of his list of priorities, who know?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

coquille said:


> This guy is fairly open about his AS/autism. Later in our exchanges (we have been texting since we met), he said that he also has ADHD with a pretty high IQ. I had already noticed his intelligence, and I am highly attracted to a man's intelligence before anything else.


Trust me when I say that the intelligence is amazing, but that can't be a reason to overlook other traits that can make a relationship very difficult. The reality is there are 8 billion of us on the planet and there are other eligible intelligent men out there with either less personal baggage or baggage that fits better in your baggage cart.



coquille said:


> He also said he has been previously in poly relationships, and he believes that relationships should not be locked down. My reply was that this is a dealbreaker for me; I won't enter in a poly and will leave a relationship if my partner proposes polyamory. He then kind of backed and said that poly relationships make him uncomfortable and he tries to discourage them, but has no philosophical objections to them, so he ends up consenting to having them although reluctantly.


Yeah, this is far too contradictory and I would hesitate to trust. Aspies can sometimes suppress their own wants in order to "fit in" and "be accepted". The question is, who is the real him? Is he poly, but claiming it was reluctant because he felt pressured to agree back then in order to fit in with his previous relationship partners or is he disavowing that choice now because he's feeling pressured to "fit in" with you?

My husband, after years of talks, realized that he did some things that were against his nature in previous relationships because he desperately wanted acceptance and to feel he "fit in" like a "normal person".



coquille said:


> I learned that Aspies don't initiate contact and don't usually make plans, so it is preferable that the partner takes charge of this


Not necessarily true. Mine initiates contact near constantly...because he has the need for it....unless he has a distraction.



coquille said:


> He also repeatedly said that he is blunt and honest, he never cheated and will never cheat on a partner (because I expressed skepticism regarding him keeping in touch with exes).


I've heard the same thing. I've also realized that these things need to be carefully defined or the agile mind of the Aspie may do some unique logic-ing. Aspies can be very legalistic and very..obscure at the same time to justify doing whatever it is they want to do.



MarmiteC said:


> 1. Always feeling low on his priority list, unless he had no other distractions. Then he expected me to be there and would become frustrated when I wasn't. I always felt I was waiting for him to be free for me.


God, yes! DH does try, because I've made it a point to bluntly tell him how I feel, but sometimes it's annoying AF!!! 

For example, he went on a painting spree and spent an entire day in the work area painting the miniatures I'd 3D printed for him. I mentioned I felt a bit lonely, bored after a few hours, a tad ignored and wanted him to spend a bit more time with me that day. I said I'd have been happy to do our respective related hobbies, me the printer and him the painter. I just wanted to stop working on projects in the evening, relax, and spend some time together before we run out of energy for each other. This is how he is with every new or revisited interest. It becomes all he focuses on outside of work and living thing obvious emergencies until he gets bored or another distraction appears.

Now, as far as me asking for time. Reasonable, right? Maybe next weekend day we do our hobby thing and call it quits later in the evening to have a drink, some conversation, listen to music, whatever.

In his mind this turned in to he's unable to paint, ever, or I'll be upset. Even when I explained to him, clearly, that I enjoy my hobby time and I enjoy him enjoying his half of the hobby and I just wanted a better balance between work, chores, hobbies, and couple time, he was STILL stuck on never ever paint again. It took multiple rephrasings to finally get through to him. 

And this is not isolated. This is how he sees it. If I say "Naw, I don't think I feel like Tai tonight. I love the noodles and spice, but I think I need something gentler." in his mind "MJ doesn't like Tai." and i have to spend hours over weeks explaining I love Tai, as I have for the over 20 years we've been together, I just did not want Tai _that particular day._



MarmiteC said:


> 2. Poor communication. Some of our issues were caused because he wouldn't communicate well


God, yes, here, too! It's taken me years to figure out how to get DH to communicate properly and there are still times when its all "WTF??"

This morning, for example. DH has a beard and moustache. It's sexy. However, DH cannot draw a straight line on his own face, so I groom his face fur. It was getting a bit shaggy and he said he wanted me to trim it, but he was getting ready for work and didn't have time. Then he sat on the bed and impatiently watched as I finished dressing. I asked what was up and he got all snarky because I didn't grab the trimmers. Uh, wot? 
"Didn't you just say you didn't have time?" 
"I showered last night, so I can guess I can skip the shower this morning." 
"So, you just got snippy with me because you said you were getting in the shower and didn't have time, changed your mind, didn't say a word, and I didn't Karnak the Mind Reader figure out what you wanted? Duuuude!"

Yes, he sure did. Because he thinks he's communicating clearly when it's about as clear as a good beef stew! He did apologize once I pointed it out. He usually does and quite sincerely. Doesn't matter. This kind of thing happens all the time. It's just how he's wired.



MarmiteC said:


> 3. I had more of a parent/child relationship. I was the fixer of everything. He only proactively worked on things which interested him, or helped me when all other distractions were gone.


Yup. I handle everything but his job. Everything. I can say that he will help with something if I bluntly ask, but will delay it with some excuse or other if he has a distraction he's into at the time.



MarmiteC said:


> 4. The above all left me feeling lonely the majority of the time


Sometimes I do feel lonely, too. But the quirks are worth the rest for me. I don't mind doing everything. I'd be doing that if I were alone, right? Well, I get to do it with the love of my life. The man drives me bonkers, but I can't imagine life without him. 

I think being married to someone who isn't neurotypical is a lot like being a military spouse. It is not for everyone. It is hard at times in ways that near break you.



MarmiteC said:


> The counsellor did advise me that an Aspie/neurodiverse marriage can work, but in our situation I would most likely need to accept I would need to be the one always pulling him along behind me.


Yes. And you can't become resentful, which is sometimes very hard.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

CountryMike said:


> It seems like this is just asking for pain and hard times for your future.


And for this reason I am getting informed about Aspies and seeking advice from people in this forum. Aspies experience the same emotions as neurotypical people; they just experience them and express them differently. Their brains are wired differently. I am trying to understand how to approach how he functions because that helps me also understand better the way I do.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

@MattMatt can probably fill you in better on the Aspie aspect.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> Trust me when I say that the intelligence is amazing, but that can't be a reason to overlook other traits that can make a relationship very difficult. The reality is there are 8 billion of us on the planet and there are other eligible intelligent men out there with either less personal baggage or baggage that fits better in your baggage cart.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Wow! Thank you for such a detailed and helpful post! Thank you also for sharing your experience. 
The reason why I am considering starting something with this guy is that we both are happy to live on our own, and if we start something, we will not live with each other full time. In my quest for love, I am trying to be realistic and I am fully aware that at my age I have to expect people with baggage, because I carry my own baggage as well, but I do my best to be the most caring partner to my man. I am caring and nurturing by nature, but I am no martyr, so I often feel fulfilled by fulfilling my partner's needs. On the other hand, I have my emotional needs and if my partner cannot fulfill them, 1) I say it clearly and ask him to do it, 2) give him several opportunities to do it, 3) leave the relationship if I realize he is not capable/willing to do it. I learned this from past relationships and I would like to see if I can have my emotional needs fulfilled with this guy by getting to understand the way he functions.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Luckylucky said:


> It sounds like you’re not really compatible at all?
> 
> He has a lot of inconsistencies… I felt very frustrated reading that, and it doesn’t sound like you’re all that drawn to him?


that's sometimes how aspie's roll.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> @MattMatt can probably fill you in better on the Aspie aspect.


My wife can't read expressions. Or tries and fails. "Why are you looking so angry at me?"

"I wasn't looking at you, nor was I angry. I was just thinking about if I wanted Chinese food or fish and chips!"


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> that's sometimes how aspie's roll.


Thank you for your input. Trying to find a logical explanation from a neurotypical point of view is not helpful, and your statement makes it clear that their brain functions differently. Rather than trying to explain things from the way I reason, I am trying to understand how he reasons to see if there is a potential with him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Why not date someone that isn’t disordered and shares common values with you?


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Why not date someone that isn’t disordered and shares common values with you?


This question requires a lot of introspection on my behalf, which I am doing right now through this thread. I am both intrigued and interested by not-so-normal people, but at the same time I don't want/can't compromise on my core values. I am trying to find a balance between quirky and acceptable to me. By negotiating this within myself, I am also trying to see how much I can stretch myself before I say no. It's in a way a work on myself: to step outside of myself and understand how others operate. This exercise helps me understand things I didn't know about myself in a way.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Why would someone even entertain the notion of getting involved in something like this?


This is also what I was thinking. Relationships are hard enough, communication is hard enough, but when you throw in the extra challenges, that compounds things immensely. I'm sure that he's a nice man, and I'm sure that you have some things in common, but for me, Aspergers/ADHD would be a dealbreaker. It's just not something that I would want to work around for the rest of my life.

@MarmiteC, your XH and former marriage sounds much like mine. I had suspicions that my XH is on the spectrum, and my therapist also suggested it; he's just never been tested.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Ursula said:


> This is also what I was thinking. Relationships are hard enough, communication is hard enough, but when you throw in the extra challenges, that compounds things immensely. I'm sure that he's a nice man, and I'm sure that you have some things in common, but for me, Aspergers/ADHD would be a dealbreaker. It's just not something that I would want to work around for the rest of my life.
> 
> @MarmiteC, your XH and former marriage sounds much like mine. I had suspicions that my XH is on the spectrum, and my therapist also suggested it; he's just never been tested.


In truth I am glad he suggested we start as friends and then see if this friendship can evolve into something romantic. We get the time to know each other without the expectations of a relationship and without going physical. I see him as a great friend, and we don't have to start a relationship if I see that it's not something that I want. So far, this is what I am envisioning for the near future. Thanks for your feedback!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

coquille said:


> Hi wise community,
> 
> One of my friends brought to my attention that there is a guy she knows, who might be compatible with me. I looked him up and started following him on social media for a couple months. I found many points in common and shared values between us. I'm 51, he is 47. I initiated contact a couple weeks ago and he responded positively. He lives around 75 miles away from me (this is not a huge deal if you live in California), so I drove to him and we spent the entire day together. Hiked, had lunch, went to a park, chatted, had a long walk in the park. We connected really well and clearly enjoyed each other's company.
> 
> ...


I'm seeing his admission control is important to him as a big red flag. He may be keeping in touch with exes simply because he won't leave them alone. For now, you know he's restraining himself, so it may take awhile to find out the real him warts and all. This is not the real him. This is him trying not to misstep and run off a woman. But you need to know what he's controlling about, at a bare minimum. Does he have to know where you and what you're doing 24/7? Sounds like it to me. He pretty much admits he has an issue with trusting, and then, as a result, is controlling. You don't want to be involved with someone like that. It's exhausting and you can't do anything right. Nothing you can do or not do will actually ever gain their trust because they are just distrustful themselves and insecure. You can't fix that by being perfect and you will suffer for trying.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm seeing his admission control is important to him as a big red flag. He may be keeping in touch with exes simply because he won't leave them alone. For now, you know he's restraining himself, so it may take awhile to find out the real him warts and all. This is not the real him. This is him trying not to misstep and run off a woman. But you need to know what he's controlling about, at a bare minimum. Does he have to know where you and what you're doing 24/7? Sounds like it to me. He pretty much admits he has an issue with trusting, and then, as a result, is controlling. You don't want to be involved with someone like that. It's exhausting and you can't do anything right. Nothing you can do or not do will actually ever gain their trust because they are just distrustful themselves and insecure. You can't fix that by being perfect and you will suffer for trying.


Thanks for your input. I tend to interpret these symptoms differently. He has never asked me where I am or what I am doing. He treats me just like a friend, not as a romantic partner. We joke and flirt of course, but he hasn't shown any controlling behavior. 

My interpretation of his need for trust and control is that throughout his life he has been hurt and singled out because of his difference. I have been getting informed about Aspies, and it sounds like they are bad at lying; they blurt what's on their mind, and he has been this way so far. He confessed first that he might come across as blunt and direct because this is the way he is. The need for control might stem from insecurity, I agree, and this insecurity might also be an outcome of previous bad experiences as Aspies can lose control of themselves and situations easily. Making sure that he has a partner that lets him know that he can be in control is understandable, I think. 

In any case, we are exploring friendship and I/we will see if it can evolve into a relationship. 
Many of the exes are in relationships, but still, I'm not comfortable being in a relationship with someone staying in touch with his exes. if you look at my first discussion, I was cheated on by a guy who got back with his ex (telling me all the time that she is just a long-time friend).


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

coquille said:


> Thanks for your input. I tend to interpret these symptoms differently. He has never asked me where I am or what I am doing. He treats me just like a friend, not as a romantic partner. We joke and flirt of course, but he hasn't shown any controlling behavior.
> 
> My interpretation of his need for trust and control is that throughout his life he has been hurt and singled out because of his difference. I have been getting informed about Aspies, and it sounds like they are bad at lying; they blurt what's on their mind, and he has been this way so far. He confessed first that he might come across as blunt and direct because this is the way he is. The need for control might stem from insecurity, I agree, and this insecurity might also be an outcome of previous bad experiences as Aspies can lose control of themselves and situations easily. Making sure that he has a partner that lets him know that he can be in control is understandable, I think.
> 
> ...


Yeah, but he also told you he's restraining himself not to run you off. It doesn't really matter why he's controlling if he's controlling. So you should just outright ask him if he has to keep tabs on women.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I tick a few boxes in the “other” category. Relationships with people like me aren’t easy and they require patience. I don’t recommend them. They can be a lot of work and, frankly, “normal”relationships are hard enough without adding in “other”. Since my divorce, I only date casually because whatever available time I have usually goes to my (adult) family. I enjoy being alone and don’t want another relationship so casual dating works well for me — when I remember to do it. I dislike talking on the phone and much prefer texting. I’m never the pursuer in even the smallest way so whoever I’m dating is stuck with initiating all the texts but I do remind myself to respond quickly. I don’t like a lot of eye contact — I can deal with some but I feel uncomfortable quickly if I think it’s too much. I rarely think about emotions or focus on them. I mostly live in my own world, totally involved in things I’m interested in, and I’m good with that. I do sometimes make room in my life for others outside my family but that just isn’t a priority. I would say that if you decide to try a relationship with him it’s very likely you’ll be doing the vast majority of the work.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I am going to root for him as a proxy for myself.

From my perspective, the unplanned or unexpected would probably be the biggest challenge for him. If you get to be a part of the "routine" then you'll be a part of every day for him. As integral and important as eating or sleeping. The "small talk" will probably always be a struggle but then you'll have the hour+ deep discussions that you mentioned.

As for "control" I'm not sure but I do know that if I'm not in a comfortable, secure state of mind (IE in control of my emotions) my plumbing probably won't work because it would be too stressful. I'm not sure if that's the control he was talking about though. He may have been talking about taking initiative with a willing partner. That is, he might not react well to you coming on to him. That would tend to make future relationships for him more secure because cheating would have to be a conscious decision and not just something that he went along with.

I'm in contact with my one ex (mother of my children and all that jazz). She is 0 threat to anyone I would meet romantically. Any relationship type interactions with her would certainly not be in the calm, secure state of mind (see previous paragraph) in addition to not ever crossing my mind at all. She's out of the relationship bin and into the co-parent bin.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Openminded said:


> I tick a few boxes in the “other” category. Relationships with people like me aren’t easy and they require patience. I don’t recommend them. They can be a lot of work and, frankly, “normal”relationships are hard enough without adding in “other”. Since my divorce, I only date casually because whatever available time I have usually goes to my (adult) family. I enjoy being alone and don’t want another relationship so casual dating works well for me — when I remember to do it. I dislike talking on the phone and much prefer texting. I’m never the pursuer in even the smallest way so whoever I’m dating is stuck with initiating all the texts but I do remind myself to respond quickly. I don’t like a lot of eye contact — I can deal with some but I feel uncomfortable quickly if I think it’s too much. I rarely think about emotions or focus on them. I mostly live in my own world, totally involved in things I’m interested in, and I’m good with that. I do sometimes make room in my life for others outside my family but that just isn’t a priority. I would say that if you decide to try a relationship with him it’s very likely you’ll be doing the vast majority of the work.


Thank you for sharing your experience. That's very helpful and his behavior makes a lot of sense in light of your post. When we started discussing the possibility of dating, he said that I need to patient with him. He is interested and even passionate about various things at once and seems invested in them. I don't know if I can do the majority of the work in the relationship without feeling drained. We'll see how the friendship progresses, but your post is very helpful.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My Aspie wife does not like surprises, nor does she like pre-planned events. Which can make things interesting to say the least.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Hiner112 said:


> I am going to root for him as a proxy for myself.
> 
> From my perspective, the unplanned or unexpected would probably be the biggest challenge for him. If you get to be a part of the "routine" then you'll be a part of every day for him. As integral and important as eating or sleeping. The "small talk" will probably always be a struggle but then you'll have the hour+ deep discussions that you mentioned.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your input! I am trying to integrate myself in his routine, but my sense is that it will take a while for him to think of me as a part of his daily routine. He maintained, with me reminding him once, the same routine with me for three days. The fourth it evaporated . Oh well, I'll try at another time later down the road. 

He mentioned trust and control in our discussion of sex. Without them he can't have or enjoy sex. It's frustrating to him and I understand that. Sex for me is very psychological, so I relate. He needs to dominate in bed to be comfortable, which works for me. 

Yeah, the exes need to be discussed further, I know. This is a dealbreaker for me. Once we have an in-person discussion, I'll bring this up and see where it goes.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> My Aspie wife does not like surprises, nor does she like pre-planned events. Which can make things interesting to say the least.


That's interesting. I wonder how you deal with this. I read that Aspies don't like surprises at all, so I tried to plan our second in-person meeting, but he canceled. It sounds like it's for reasons beyond his control (his elderly parents), but I'll wait and see if it's going to be a pattern in the future. Thanks for sharing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

coquille said:


> That's interesting. I wonder how you deal with this. I read that Aspies don't like surprises at all, so I tried to plan our second in-person meeting, but he canceled. It sounds like it's for reasons beyond his control (his elderly parents), but I'll wait and see if it's going to be a pattern in the future. Thanks for sharing.


32 years of interesting times!


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> 32 years of interesting times!


Sounds like you don't regret any of it. Right? What makes you stay with your wife?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

coquille said:


> Sounds like you don't regret any of it. Right? What makes you stay with your wife?


I love her. Plus I made a promise to look after her.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I am a parent of an Aspie and have an Aspie male coworker close friend that shares a lot about his dating relationships. He is 10 years younger than me so I feel like his therapist/mom. He is very funny, intelligent, caring, giving and I personally would not be able to sustain a relationship with him. He too continues a relationship with all of his exes and their families. Not just staying in contact but joining in on holidays, having dinners and inviting them to stay for weekends. He does not understand why anyone would invest in becoming close to an SO’s family if that just has to end when you find out they are not “the one”. He also doesn’t understand why the friendship aspect would need to end with the former SO either. He expects his current SO’s to not only be okay with his involvement with his Ex’s, but also be involved with them too. There were things about his Ex’s that he enjoyed (non sexual) and thinks his SO would benefit from those things as well. I have to admit I had to think about that one and why the concept bothered me so much - my ego would not allow that. I don’t know if that is helpful to you.

As an Aspie parent it breaks my heart to think my daughter’s issues will be considered more trouble than she is worth. Sigh. I get it, but it is hard to read.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Bluesclues said:


> I am a parent of an Aspie and have an Aspie male coworker close friend that shares a lot about his dating relationships. He is 10 years younger than me so I feel like his therapist/mom. He is very funny, intelligent, caring, giving and I personally would not be able to sustain a relationship with him. He too continues a relationship with all of his exes and their families. Not just staying in contact but joining in on holidays, having dinners and inviting them to stay for weekends. He does not understand why anyone would invest in becoming close to an SO’s family if that just has to end when you find out they are not “the one”. He also doesn’t understand why the friendship aspect would need to end with the former SO either. He expects his current SO’s to not only be okay with his involvement with his Ex’s, but also be involved with them too. There were things about his Ex’s that he enjoyed (non sexual) and thinks his SO would benefit from those things as well. I have to admit I had to think about that one and why the concept bothered me so much - my ego would not allow that. I don’t know if that is helpful to you.
> 
> As an Aspie parent it breaks my heart to think my daughter’s issues will be considered more trouble than she is worth. Sigh. I get it, but it is hard to read.


That's very helpful. Thank you for writing this post. Yes, the man I met has the same approach, i.e., his exes are good people (and this is why he fell in love with them), but a relationship didn't work; a friendship would. I saw pictures (on his social media) of his then fiancée with ex-wife together comfortably sitting next to each other and smiling 🤷‍♀️. His exes seem to be fine with this. Otherwise, they would have cut contact. In a way, this means that their breakup was amicable, and no wrongdoing took place on either side. From another perspective, this spells trouble, because they could get back together if something happens in their lives. I am not in touch with any of my exes; keeping them as friends is pointless because I don't need them as friends and didn't meet them as friends in the first place. I have very good friends. He acknowledges that him staying in touch with his exes has caused jealousy and problems in relationships. The next time we discuss this subject, I'll ask him how he managed it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband is mild Aspie, very intelligent, but when it comes to emotions, quite frankly, the man is an idiot 😂 We work so well together, not sure why, we just do. He tells me often that I "get" him like no one else ever has.

Our daughter (my stepdaughter but we raise her full time) is also Aspie, more severe than hubby. She is very bright also, she is MUCH harder work than him. Her meltdowns, while less frequent than they use to be, can still be epic and there are times when we walk on eggshells lest we trigger one. It's hard. There is so much more to her than just the aspergers, it's a part of her yes, but it's not all of her. It hurts my heart to hear others tell you to just write him off because he's aspie


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Bluesclues said:


> As an Aspie parent it breaks my heart to think my daughter’s issues will be considered more trouble than she is worth. Sigh. I get it, but it is hard to read.


I am sorry that you worry about your daughter. My son might be an Aspie. He is 27. When was little, I asked his doctor and his therapist whether they think that he might be on the spectrum. They said no. He is high-functioning, but he is definitely encountering problems in relationships. I am hoping that I can introduce the subject to him and convince him to get tested. I am also hoping that someone will love him strongly enough to accept him as he is. I wish the same for your daughter.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

frusdil said:


> My husband is mild Aspie, very intelligent, but when it comes to emotions, quite frankly, the man is an idiot 😂 We work so well together, not sure why, we just do. He tells me often that I "get" him like no one else ever has.
> 
> Our daughter (my stepdaughter but we raise her full time) is also Aspie, more severe than hubby. She is very bright also, she is MUCH harder work than him. Her meltdowns, while less frequent than they use to be, can still be epic and there are times when we walk on eggshells lest we trigger one. It's hard. There is so much more to her than just the aspergers, it's a part of her yes, but it's not all of her. It hurts my heart to hear others tell you to just write him off because he's aspie


Thank you so much for your post! I knew he is an Aspie before I went to meet him, but I also knew he is very intelligent and kind. After our meeting, he were texting in the evening and he told that he was off-balance the entire day because he wanted to tell me that he is an Aspie with ADHD. I told him I knew and still went to meet him, and that makes him who he is. He just replied with a heart. Yes, I agree that if we look at AS as a different way the brain works, we can work on getting to know how they are wired and act accordingly. This requires us to step outside of ourselves, and many people don't want to bother doing it. I don't mind doing it if the person is worth it, because in the process I get to understand myself on a deeper level and expand my mind.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

frusdil said:


> when it comes to emotions, quite frankly, the man is an idiot 😂


@frusdil can you give an example or elaborate on the way your husband expresses his emotions?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

coquille said:


> @frusdil can you give an example or elaborate on the way your husband expresses his emotions?


Sure 

Intense emotions overwhelm him, and he'll just shut down. He doesn't understand them or how to manage them. So if I'm really upset about something, he doesn't always know what to do, especially if he's the cause of my upset. It has its advantages though - he is able to have intense conversations without getting flustered or upset, which is a plus, especially if I'm very emotional. 

If we are having a convo about something, and he's trying to tell me something that he feels I've done wrong, or I could improve on, I tell him he needs to choose his words very carefully, because he can be very blunt and upset me - I know he doesn't intend to, but in the moment that doesn't always help lol.

In relation to many things, while he may not necessarily understand my feelings on something, he always respects them.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

frusdil said:


> Sure
> 
> Intense emotions overwhelm him, and he'll just shut down. He doesn't understand them or how to manage them. So if I'm really upset about something, he doesn't always know what to do, especially if he's the cause of my upset. It has its advantages though - he is able to have intense conversations without getting flustered or upset, which is a plus, especially if I'm very emotional.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

coquille said:


> My interpretation of his need for trust and control is that throughout his life he has been hurt and singled out because of his difference. I have been getting informed about Aspies, and it sounds like they are bad at lying; they blurt what's on their mind,


Be careful here. I have DH, a niece, and a few other Aspies I've picked up along the way. Don't generalize. Get to really know your particular Aspie.

I know a couple excellent Aspie liars. I also know some Aspies won't say what's on their mind for fear of upsetting the listener. Some have learned a bit about what upsets or _may_ upset the normies and become incredibly sensitive to causing upset because it highlights their difference and is very uncomfortable for them. So, they can and will lie by omission or commission to not cause upset.




DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah, but he also told you he's restraining himself not to run you off. It doesn't really matter why he's controlling if he's controlling. So you should just outright ask him if he has to keep tabs on women.


And then ask _why_.

DH could be considered controlling. He wants to know where I am, for example, because he's terrified he'll lose me. Not to another man, but to some preventable tragic health issue or accident. To him I am everything in a very real and literal sense. Due to his differences he matured mentally and emotionally later than most. Intellectually, a rock star. Emotionally? Yeah. Sigh. I am his only real adult relationship. He's effectively nonfunctional without me. He truly believes without me he would have no one and nothing because he's different and I've always handled everything, the real life adulting everything, he can't. The fear of losing me is very, very, real to him. It's like a matter of his own survival. It's primal. So, I make sure he knows when I'm leaving and where I'll be. I don't mind. And if he says he'd feel better if I took a certain route because X road has been chock full of idiots in cars then I'll take that route to make him feel better.



Hiner112 said:


> The "small talk" will probably always be a struggle but then you'll have the hour+ deep discussions that you mentioned.


So very true! 
DH is a truck driver so we talk for hours while he's at work thanks to headsets. Small talk is meh, but the long discussions and sharing of random thoughts are awesome.



MattMatt said:


> My Aspie wife does not like surprises, nor does she like pre-planned events. Which can make things interesting to say the least.


Same. I can get away with small surprises with only deer in headlights while he tries to process and react appropriately, but yeah. 





Bluesclues said:


> As an Aspie parent it breaks my heart to think my daughter’s issues will be considered more trouble than she is worth. Sigh. I get it, but it is hard to read.


The right guy will think she's worth every bit of the trouble. Everybody else can kick rocks.



coquille said:


> He acknowledges that him staying in touch with his exes has caused jealousy and problems in relationships. The next time we discuss this subject, I'll ask him how he managed it.


It's not about how he handled it. He doesn't think it's a problem. He knows the ex's have caused issues in previous relationships. He still keeps them around.



coquille said:


> Yeah, the exes need to be discussed further, I know. This is a dealbreaker for me. Once we have an in-person discussion, I'll bring this up and see where it goes.


Been there. Failed. It took some time. Basically, DH didn't understand why ex's are a dealbreaker and I was young and assumed he understood far more than he did about human relationships and feelings. This lead to frustration and arguments. 

I finally told him "Look, for me, once a person has become a lover they cannot be "just a friend". You can't unring that bell. You've crossed the touch barrier, making it easier to do so again, and you've shared an intimate bond. If you're staying in contact with former romantic partners that says to me that you're still bonded to them and that you haven't fully let go and moved on. I am territorial and possessive. I won't tolerate maintaining bonds with other women." 

At the end of the day it really boiled down to have a real committed relationship with me and jettison the past or not. 

Have this discussion sooner rather than later.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

Get the poly question resolved in a gentle way with him. Ask questions about things his previous partners pushed him to do that he was uncomfortable with. If poly was one of them, he could be generalizing that all women desire that, even though they don't.
Aspieness is a continuum, not a "have it or not" condition. The relatively recent trend of identifying, classifying, and diagnosing it has IMHO done more harm than good, because once diagnosed the person is then purposely treated differently and in a way separated from "normal" (hah!) people, guaranteeing they won't as easily develop integrative skills. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. As an example, think about 50-80 year old famous Aspies who were not treated differently and how well they do/did. Temple Grandin, Isaac Asimov, Dan Akroyd, Sir Anthony Hopkins, John Denver, James Taylor, etc.....

Yes, they are very different in a relationship. But that means they are less-skilled at some things, but better at others vs. people who are less-Aspie.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MJJEAN said:


> Be careful here. I have DH, a niece, and a few other Aspies I've picked up along the way. Don't generalize. Get to really know your particular Aspie.
> 
> I know a couple excellent Aspie liars. I also know some Aspies won't say what's on their mind for fear of upsetting the listener. Some have learned a bit about what upsets or _may_ upset the normies and become incredibly sensitive to causing upset because it highlights their difference and is very uncomfortable for them. So, they can and will lie by omission or commission to not cause upset.
> 
> ...


You can certainly ask why, but not too many people can stand the pressure of being under that kind of control no matter what the reason. It's a waste of life time.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> Be careful here. I have DH, a niece, and a few other Aspies I've picked up along the way. Don't generalize. Get to really know your particular Aspie.
> 
> I know a couple excellent Aspie liars. I also know some Aspies won't say what's on their mind for fear of upsetting the listener. Some have learned a bit about what upsets or _may_ upset the normies and become incredibly sensitive to causing upset because it highlights their difference and is very uncomfortable for them. So, they can and will lie by omission or commission to not cause upset.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your detailed input and great advice throughout. From your last point (about exes), I assume that your husband finally dropped the exes, right? I am possessive too, and I won't tolerate this either. I'll steal some of your explanations  when I bring up the subject again, which will be probably the next time we meet.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Jeffsmith35 said:


> Get the poly question resolved in a gentle way with him. Ask questions about things his previous partners pushed him to do that he was uncomfortable with. If poly was one of them, he could be generalizing that all women desire that, even though they don't.
> Aspieness is a continuum, not a "have it or not" condition. The relatively recent trend of identifying, classifying, and diagnosing it has IMHO done more harm than good, because once diagnosed the person is then purposely treated differently and in a way separated from "normal" (hah!) people, guaranteeing they won't as easily develop integrative skills. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. As an example, think about 50-80 year old famous Aspies who were not treated differently and how well they do/did. Temple Grandin, Isaac Asimov, Dan Akroyd, Sir Anthony Hopkins, John Denver, James Taylor, etc.....
> 
> Yes, they are very different in a relationship. But that means they are less-skilled at some things, but better at others vs. people who are less-Aspie.


Yes, I agree that AS is way more complex than the clear-cut classifications want it to be. I've been reading about it lately, and you confirm this complexity. Thank you for explaining this! 

Poly is the second dealbreaker for me. My sense is that we are going to be in the friendzone for a long time before deciding whether a relationship can work.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

coquille said:


> he said that he hates casual sex because trust and control are crucial for him in a sexual relationship, so he takes his time knowing the person before getting intimate with her. He also said he has been previously in poly relationships, and he believes that relationships should not be locked down. My reply was that this is a dealbreaker for me; I won't enter in a poly and will leave a relationship if my partner proposes polyamory. He then kind of backed and said that poly relationships make him uncomfortable and he tries to discourage them, but has no philosophical objections to them, so he ends up consenting to having them although reluctantly.


He seems normal enough to be able to detect when he has crossed the line with someone. I hate it when guys change their tune when they discover they're not in agreement with you. That's a dealbreaker for me.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You can certainly ask why, but not too many people can stand the pressure of being under that kind of control no matter what the reason. It's a waste of life time.


Starting with a friendship and getting to discuss the details of a potential relationship relieves the pressure and gives each of us time to explore and negotiate.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You can certainly ask why, but not too many people can stand the pressure of being under that kind of control no matter what the reason. It's a waste of life time.


I never felt controlled. I go where l please, when I please. I just do DH the courtesy of letting him know where I'm going, give a general idea of when I'll be back, and follow his advice on routes that aren't a hot mess that particular day.


coquille said:


> Thank you for your detailed input and great advice throughout. From your last point (about exes), I assume that your husband finally dropped the exes, right? I am possessive too, and I won't tolerate this either. I'll steal some of your explanations  when I bring up the subject again, which will be probably the next time we meet.


If he hadn't dropped the ex's I wouldn't be here talking about him. I was that serious.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@coquille , 

First, I just want to commend you for being open to the possibility of some sort of relationship with someone who is slightly different. You would be surprised how many very neat, but slightly different, people there are who are just passed by or not seen. I get it, we all have an idea of what we want in a partner, and we don't often think "I want someone who is differently abled so I can adapt and take care of someone for the rest of my life." LOL But just having that open heart to say "Wow, there could be a VERY cool person here, and I don't want to just pass on by" is commendable, in my mind. 

Second, I do not have first hand experience with an Aspie or Autistic partner, but I have ADHD myself, and my nephew is an Aspie, and my Beloved Buddhist is deaf, so I have a lot of people whom I love who are differently abled. What I found works for me (for myself and for the people I love) is: to accept them for WHO they are AS they are. By that I don't mean that people can never change, but rather, to just say to my own self "This is the way they are...can I just accept that?" Most of the time, I can and do find a way to adapt and overcome (that's an Army phrase). For example, Beloved Buddhist is deaf and he wears his hearing aids all day--by the time he comes home, he's a little brain tired from "trying to hear" all day, so he likes to take his ears off.  I adapt by using that as an opportunity to talk in his ear. I know I have to look right at him (so he can read lips a little), can't have my back turned to him, and honestly, if I want to say something, I to walk right up to him and talk in his ear. He adapts by bending down a little so I can reach his ear!  He is WHO he is and AS he is. Same for my Aspie nephew. Sometimes he just gets overwhelmed with all the adulting or overwhelmed with emotions, so I have learned to recognize "overwhelmed" and say "I want you to know I love you and am ready to help in any way you need, but for a little moment I'm going to give you a little space just to breathe." For some reason, to him, when I say that word "breathe" he hears that...otherwise he spirals. He's not being mean or abusive or controlling...he just is WHO he is AS he is. 

In the end, to me, I don't mind blunt, because even though it's a little rough around the social edges, you know where you stand. To me, I don't mind a little social awkwardness either because I'm an introvert and I like picking one person whom I love and being with them. To me, I don't mind setting clear boundaries and rules about OUR relationship, and that doesn't mean there has to be agreement on every, single thing. Nope, it's more like "We have put up this fence around our relationship--that's the rule--but whatever we grow inside the fence is okay with us."  

Final thought: I think the truly GREAT relationships do start off as friendships, so going this route is likely the very most healthy thing you can do, both for you and for him. Don't forget, whether you're friends or lovers, part of it is protecting him from your weaknesses too.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Affaircare said:


> @coquille ,
> 
> First, I just want to commend you for being open to the possibility of some sort of relationship with someone who is slightly different. You would be surprised how many very neat, but slightly different, people there are who are just passed by or not seen. I get it, we all have an idea of what we want in a partner, and we don't often think "I want someone who is differently abled so I can adapt and take care of someone for the rest of my life." LOL But just having that open heart to say "Wow, there could be a VERY cool person here, and I don't want to just pass on by" is commendable, in my mind.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your thoughtful post and for sharing your personal experience. I tried to date using OLD for three years, and was in two relationships that didn't work, but from which I learned a lot. After the last breakup I don't feel like going back to OLD because of several reasons, one of which is that this kind of dating creates an artificial and superficial environment where two people dress up and go out on dates where they show the best of themselves and each tries to read between the lines to spot red flags or to identify something that makes them want to go on a second date. I want to experience dating the way it was before OLD; I want to meet someone in real life, see them handle real life experiences, and go on daily activities in ordinary life, because I think this is how we can bond and how I can see the real them and they can see the real me. Going through friendship with this guy will allow us just this: real life experience. Plus, we have a bunch of friends in common, so we can plan group activities and we can see each other functioning as a part of a group without having to go through the dating rituals and steps. So yes, I am confirming what you said. I actually read an article about a research that has the same findings.

And you are absolutely right re: my weaknesses! YES, he has been hurt enough during his life. I don't want to add to his pain by failing to understand him.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Affaircare said:


> In the end, to me, I don't mind blunt, because even though it's a little rough around the social edges, you know where you stand. To me, I don't mind a little social awkwardness either because I'm an introvert and I like picking one person whom I love and being with them. To me, I don't mind setting clear boundaries and rules about OUR relationship, and that doesn't mean there has to be agreement on every, single thing. Nope, it's more like "We have put up this fence around our relationship--that's the rule--but whatever we grow inside the fence is okay with us."


Great advice! thanks!


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

UPDATE: Since we had our first meeting, we tried to schedule a second one, but they got cancelled because of unexpected change of plans that came up with this guy's parents. He is helping his hoarding parents get rid of some furniture and put together a garage sale. Anyway, I was also out of the country for two weeks, and we ended up meeting last week, finally. During that whole time we were texting, and he mentioned several times a female friend with whom he has become close because of similar life experiences (taking care of family members with disabilities). I asked every time if he wants to focus on this friend as a romantic interest or if he is dating this friend. Every time he denies it, but he also mentions that he has always felt disconnected from his feelings, and it is hard for him to figure out if he has feelings for someone or if someone is romantically interested in him. He practices meditation regularly and that helps him sometimes to sort out his feelings. 

During the time I was traveling, he went on a trip with a group of friends, and this particular friend was included in the trip at the last minute. He had promised me to share photos/videos from that trip, but instead he went completely silent during and after the trip. When I contacted him to ask how he was doing, he answered with a lengthy message that he is at a point in his life where he has no time/space to date, and he is only available for a friendship, which is not a huge change from what he had told me at the beginning. But he added that he has unresolved interest in a friend that he needs to sort out. I asked again if he wants us to stop communicating so that he can focus on that romantic interest. He, again, rejected wanting us to stop communication, and he said we could only if I wanted to, that would make him sad, but he would understand. We stayed in touch until we met in person last week after I returned home. 

Turned out he has feelings for this woman, and these feelings are reciprocated. They started a relationship, but he was waiting to see me to announce it to me in person before he made it public. 

I know this is a much detailed post, but I don't doubt his honesty, even though he kept denying that he is romantically involved with this woman. I believe that he had no clue about the level of their interest in each other until she made it clear to him that she is interested in him and that made him realize that he is too. They both met a year ago, so much earlier than he and I met. 

This entire experience made me discover and follow closely the struggles of someone with AS as they figure out their emotions and try to decipher others'. I can also see why he said several times that he can unintentionally hurt people in his circle and alienate them. If I didn't know that he is an Aspie, I could easily conclude that he was lying to me or he was keeping me on the back burner until he could figure out if this woman reciprocates his feelings, but I don't think it's the case at all. He had no idea about the situation until it was made clear to him (and I think she did the job for him). 

What's more important to me is that in the process I read A LOT about the autism spectrum and Asperger's and this made me realize that my son is actually on the spectrum. I am now trying to figure out a way to bring up the subject to him. He is 27, in a relationship and working (although mostly part-time jobs), so this news will not bring a huge change in his life, but it will explain a lot of things to him and help him understand himself and be easier on himself. I also think it would make things easier for his girlfriend if she becomes aware that a lot of his quirks can be explained by the fact that he is on the spectrum. 

I read the Aspie thread along with the articles shared in it. It's a great great thread! Thank you all those who contributed to it, especially @minimalME for all the helpful resources there!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

> I read the Aspie thread along with the articles shared in it. It's a great great thread! Thank you all those who contributed to it, especially @minimalME for all the helpful resources there!


I’m glad it was helpful! 🤗


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

@coquille,

Perhaps useful for your son: 









'Best Practices': Learning To Live With Asperger's


David Finch was 30-years-old when he discovered that he was on the autism spectrum. In Journal of Best Practices, he describes how he learned to manage the disorder — and become a better husband and father in the process.




www.npr.org


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

PieceOfSky said:


> @coquille,
> 
> Perhaps useful for your son:
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for sharing! This article is useful. I haven't approached my son yet and the way the wife approaches her husband about his autism might be something I want to do with my son. I was initially thinking of sharing a questionnaire with him, but asking the questions myself might be more effective in helping him realize that he is on the spectrum while also explaining his neurodiverse condition to himself.


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