# My husband is bisexual... Not sure How to handle that



## midnightlibra (Jan 20, 2015)

Hey guys, not sure if that is a proper place to post, if not please tell me where should I be posting this. I hope none of you guys will find anything that I wrote offensive, I am very emotional right now. I need help to save my marriage. I have spent entire day in bed crying, not eating, not drinking, barely breathing.

A little bit about me: I am 25, I was born and raised in Europe in Catholic family, school was always my priority, since I spent the entire life in school I get easily frustrated whenever I can't get all the answers right now. I have a health issue, but managed to live with it easily. My husband of course knows about it for a long time. I am a bit of a control freak and I like to have a ful control of everything that is around me, about 3 years ago I have decided to take a gap year in school and have some new experience so I left to North America for a year where I met my husband. I stayed with him for a year and went back to Europe for a year to finish my Masters Degree and came back here to be with him, we are married for....a week.

A little bit about him: He is 28, never really school oriented person, passionate about his own business, he was brought up without any religion, in loving family, he lives in one of the most LGB cities. When I first came to his city I was shocked with how sexually open people are here, in Europe people are just different and the culture difference hit pretty hard. It is important to mention that I have always been very emotional about sex, I find it hard to separate sex from emotions, as I dont have sex with people I have no feelings for, probably thats why my husband has been my only partner. He was never like that, he has had sex with long time girlfriends, one night stands, friends with benefits. He had respect for my religion, it didnt really bother me he didnt believe in the same thing as long as he was not in a way of me being catholic. I chose to be a virgin for so long... I never expected the same of anybody else so it never bothered me that he has had women before me. He was very gentle and made sure I was ready and did everything on my tearms.

A little bit about us: Together for 2,5 year, married for a week.

He hates my controling tendecies and bad taste in movies, I hate his smoking and his short temper.

Other than that he is loving, carrying, funny, protective, supporting, friendly, responsible person, who also happened to be bisexual... and that's what's so hard for me. Becuase of a stict upbringing I have a very black and white view of the World, men figures in my life were always there for me, my uncles, father, brothers, cousins were always there for me, typical men, strong, reliable, manly, interested in sports and all of those things that men do... Almost a little bit redneckish. What I loved about my husband was that he was different than men in my family, my husband could appreaciate culture, loved music, good music... had an opinion about art, wanted to see museums while travelling. I know he loves me more than anything and I know i love him even more.

He told me about his bisexuality when we were boyfriend/girlfriend... i started crying so he kind of "took it back"... that he thought that maybe he was, but then he thought about it and he said no ( that's what he told me)... ever since then, this topic has been like an elephant in the room... Before I left my home, family and friends I had an online Skype conversation with him, it took everything out of me to do it, I didnt want to upset him but I chose to be selfish cause I just needed to know. He told me that he is not sure, maybe, but he doesnt want to act on anything, that those "thoughts" has been turned off long time ago, he has not been thinking about it for years, it's more being bicurious... maybe not even that. Basically, he doesnt know cause he has not bisexual thoughts ever since he met me. I belived him, packed my stuff and left everything and everyone behind to be with him.

One night he fell asleep with his phone next to his head, as he always does, i hate it when he does it cause my mom always yelled at me whenever i had my phone next to my head ( she is a mom, she is a bit crazy  ) so i wanted to put it away, for some reason I have felt this urge to go through it... We always trusted each other with phones, we never look through each other stuff, i dont know any passwords to his ac****s, mails etc. He doesnt know mine. I just had that feeling I need to do it. I felt terrible but took the phone and run to bathroom, didnt want him to see me. I found messages from his exgirlfriend, they have been seeing each other behind my back, he lied to my face about it many times, We have had some intense conversation about it, woke him up in the middle of the night demending explanation, he promissed me nothing happened, just a friendly meeting, he thought I would be mad, so he didnt tell me. A lie is a lie is a lie. period. Eventually, after long coversation we were able to forget about it. But I was just always on edge with this phone... Because I found her message first and got so mad, i didnt have a chance to fully investigate it ( oh my god, i know it sounds so bad of me).... But didnt want to go through it again, as my husband promised he didnt do anything else for the time when I was away. Last night, he fell asleep with the phone next to his head ( he does it almost every night and almost every night i put it on the floor next to the bed), and I felt this need to go thrught it again, i dont know where do these needs come from, sometimes i dont care if the phone would be in front of me but on those two occasions it was just like 6th sense. So i took it... again... went into messages, saw a message from craigslist that his login or password or whatever is such and such... I had to see... i logged into that account. I couldn't believe my eyes, the sudden images of what he wanted to be done to him, or to do to those men made me puke, literally. I remember staring at it but just thinking that this is not true. For some reason i was calm, woke him up ( had to....), asked him, he tried to snap, i told him I want to hear it from him. He snapped. I left the appartment in the middle of the night. Came in the morning ( thank godness for 24 hour Denny's & Starbucks), came back in the morning... he begged for one conversation, i told him that only if he is honest... He sweared to me that he didnt do anything, he was just acting out fantasy by posting those ads and having men email him with sexy stuff... I believed him. I still felt so betrayed.... almost cheated on, not only did he go behind my back, he lied to me AGAIN. I saw that all of those ads were reposted a few times... I just closed up in our bedroom, told him to sleep on a couch for now. He wants to talk, i am not ready. I have million questions, I am so scared of the answers. I know that the most important is to answer to myself if i can be with him still.... he said he wants this marriage, he wants to explore this with me, he wants the support, he wants the comfort from me, i feel so selfish but i am so broken right now that i cant be there for him. I just dont know if i can still look at him the same way, I am from a family where men are super manly like and those are the kinds of men I have been attracted to, and I just don't know how to cope with this... I love my gay friends, but the thought of my husband with another man seems too much. He was always this MAN of mine, and now I just can't look at him the same way, not afer what I read in his ads. I dont want my marriage to be over after a week, but the thought of being with him in a restaurant and having him check out the waiter or whatever makes me so sick!

I love little kinky things in bedroom, but I will never be okay with having somebody in bed with us, or him having a man on a side. How am i supposed to be there, help him discover if i cant allow for him to go out an try stuff? I feel like I am dealing with two issues at once, the feeling of cheating on me and my husbands bisexualism. I am just trying to remember who he is to me, i am trying so hard but it's just so hard. I dont even know where to start with this whole proccess. I want to give it my all, if its not gonna work, its not gonna work but at least i tried. Because I shouldnt be exposed to stress right now my entire body is just aching... i am drained. I feel like my marriage is over, I am so embarressed. He has always told me that a woman can make you twice a man or half a man, I feel like half a woman, thats what he has made me. I know how hard it is for him, and i am happy he is honest, finally, but everything i want to say to him is so hateful, mean and just bad that i decided to not speak right now. I just dont even know where to begin.... I just told him that i am gonna need some counselling... I am concern that he is going to tell me anything that I want to hear so that I will not divorce him, I just dont know if it's even possible for him to be faithful to me in our marriage? is it possible for him to be satisfied in our marriage with me if I dont have a penis?

So sorry for any gram or spelling mistakes- English is not my native language


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

midnightlibra said:


> Hey guys, not sure if that is a proper place to post, if not please tell me where should I be posting this. I hope none of you guys will find anything that I wrote offensive, I am very emotional right now. I need help to save my marriage. I have spent entire day in bed crying, not eating, not drinking, barely breathing.
> 
> A little bit about me: I am 25, I was born and raised in Europe in Catholic family, school was always my priority, since I spent the entire life in school I get easily frustrated whenever I can't get all the answers right now. I have a health issue, but managed to live with it easily. My husband of course knows about it for a long time. I am a bit of a control freak and I like to have a ful control of everything that is around me, about 3 years ago I have decided to take a gap year in school and have some new experience so I left to North America for a year where I met my husband. I stayed with him for a year and went back to Europe for a year to finish my Masters Degree and came back here to be with him, we are married for....a week.
> 
> ...


I'm not a big believer in Bi-sexuality, I think either you are gay or you are not. Bi-sex is just sexual gratification. Annulment may be best option since you clearly prefer a different type of man, in spite of you trying to convince yourself he is your type. The other option would be to role play in the bedroom and you fill the role of the man occasionally. That may be enough to sedate his sex impulses.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* You've been married for a week or less, you say? Get to an attorney immediately and find out what the laws in your particular jurisdiction/state are for filing for an annulment of the marriage. 

Then you can either choose to confront him, or immediately have the attorney proceed with the filing. But with heretofore information like that coming to the forefront, it's plainly clear that you were blatently deceived by omission.

The second stop that you need to make is to a doctors office to have yourself tested for the presence of STD's.

I'm sorry that you're here at TAM, but you have come to the right place! I wish you well, my dear!*


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

You have different core beliefs and values.
Even though you love each other, the differences will haunt your relationship. 

This will eventually rip your relationship apart unless you change your beliefs, because it is highly unlikely he will change his sexuality. If anything, he will suppress it and then cheat and lie about it, as he already has. 

Your best choice would be to get an annulment and part amicably while you still can.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yikes, sooo sorry for your situation.

I'll echo some of the others here in suggesting that you should at the very least look into the process of getting an annulment. I'm guessing it likely takes a very long time, so you could even get started on that process while giving you both time to process everything and figure out what will work for both of you, before needing to make a final decision one way or the other.

Next, from what I read of your post, I really really think he might be trickle truthing you. That means basically only "confessing" to the things you pretty much already know, and even then trying to minimize the possible damage of what you already know. For instance, you know that he went to a great deal of effort over a long period of time trying to meet men for sex, repeatedly. That's pretty damning stuff. He can try to minimize the damage however by saying it was all just fantasy and he didn't actually meet up with anyone, that way he isn't seen as a "cheater" but rather just someone who is struggling with some sexual interests. Him being caught more than once, and each time giving you the most ideal, best case scenario explanation, just leads me to believe that he is still hiding a lot more.

In any case, regardless of what you do I would suggest getting into MC right away. It's imperative that you know the whole truth.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but the problem isn't that he's bisexual. He's cheating on you (or trying to) with random strangers on the Internet. That's all you need to know. No quibbling about whether it's a dude or a girl, he's cheating.

So end the marriage. Put a fork in it. It's over. Get an annulment, get a divorce, whatever you need to do. Or just move back home, or out, or whatever, and deal with the legalities later.

IMHO.

C


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

He is a liar and a cheat. He lives in a big gay area? He has a craigslist account looking for male sex? He has not only had sex with men, he's had A LOT. He is gay and he knows it. You are his beard (look it up).

The greatest thing that ever has happened to you in your young life was discovering this while you can still do something about it. Annulment and go home. Sorry. That's it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

One word: Annullment.

Get it now before any more time passes.

Then figure out whether or not you want him in your life in any capacity. Personally, I would get the h*ll away from him.


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## linsa26 (Aug 30, 2016)

I can understand that, there are 2 issues you should solve firstly. 1. Do you accept the bisexual identify of your husband? 2. Can you help your husband to explore his sexuality? I think that is not a problem for your marriage. Search the bisexual relevant keywords online to find your needs


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Old thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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