# Bitter towards my cheating wife’s friend



## Abe_Fielding (Dec 26, 2020)

Merry Christmas all,

first time posting here and I intend to tell my story in another post, but there’s one little thing that has been bugging me and my wife says I’m silly to be bothered by it.

Found out my wife was cheating about a month ago (the affair was going on for 3 months) and her best friend and godmother to our child was essentially her alibi. I would be at work at night and my wife was telling me she was out with her bestie when she was actually with this other guy. Her bestie knew about the affair and was ready to lie about my wife’s whereabouts should I ever become suspicious. She never had to however, as I never went that far with my suspicions.

After learning about this information, I told my wife that the fact that her best friend (who I know very well too by now of course) was complicit in all this and was willing to help my wife cover her tracks has left a very bad taste in my mouth and I am left with very bad feelings about the friend along with my wife.

My wife thinks I’m silly for feeling strangely about her friend. Do you agree?


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Abe_Fielding said:


> Merry Christmas all,
> 
> first time posting here and I intend to tell my story in another post, but there’s one little thing that has been bugging me and my wife says I’m silly to be bothered by it.
> 
> ...


Yeah, eff her.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Abe_Fielding said:


> My wife thinks I’m silly for feeling strangely about her friend. Do you agree?


I do not agree. Her friend is poison to your marriage, IMO.

My feelings would be a few degrees higher than just ''strangely''.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Are you reconciling? If no, who cares, cut them both out. If yes, then she has a lot to learn about reconciliation and it does not bode well for that future.


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## Abe_Fielding (Dec 26, 2020)

Tasorundo said:


> Are you reconciling? If no, who cares, cut them both out. If yes, then she has a lot to learn about reconciliation and it does not bode well for that future.


Yes we are working on things


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

I think it’s to be expected to have some blame spill over to the friend though your wife is 100% at fault.

We cut off a friend because he was cheating on his wife but wanted us to cover. While I didn’t tell the wife (I do not Know her, but it did come out), we aren’t the type to cover up something like that.

The friend is classless and should at least apologize and express how uncomfortable she is/was.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Abe_Fielding said:


> Yes we are working on things


Then she doesn’t get to have that friend anymore.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Your wife is right. Your anger is misplaced. You should be angry at the wife not her friend. Oh, and your wife saying your anger is silly is a sign of disrespect. More cheating to follow.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm not sure I understand what "working on things" means in your case. And I agree with what others have already said - you are deflecting some of you righteous anger at you cheating wife onto her friend. Not that her friend is in any way in the right. Your wife used her friend. She crapped all over you and your marriage. I don't think I'd be able to start working on things this quickly, but that's me.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

I agree the friend shouldn’t be in the picture. If you are really “working on things”, the whole cancer has to be cut out. Friend included if your wife wants a chance of reconciliation.

Again, blame is on your wife but you shouldn’t have any reminder of the behavior. Can you imagine trusting her to go out with this friend again?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Abe_Fielding said:


> Merry Christmas all,
> 
> first time posting here and I intend to tell my story in another post, but there’s one little thing that has been bugging me and my wife says I’m silly to be bothered by it.
> 
> ...


I agree 100%.....but......aren't you getting rid of the no good wife?
You are keeping her in your life?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Her friend is your enemy and and should be 100% cut out permanently. It sounds like your wife is not reconciliation material. Which means you’ll go through this again. How’d you like it the first time? At least that you know of.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Your wife is the one who cheated, she must take 100% of the blame and any anger you have should be directed at her. Ok the friend shouldnt have done that, but she didnt cheat, maybe your wife begged her and she thought she was doing the right thing for her friend.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Both your cheating wife and her pos friend should be cut off.

If you and your wife do end up reconciling, the friend can't be a part of the future.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Abe_Fielding said:


> My wife thinks I’m silly for feeling strangely about her friend. Do you agree?


I really shouldn't say what I think of your wife. I will say that you would be better off not being married to such a low value person.

Divorce your wife, who is your problem not the friend. The divorce will solve the friend problem. Birds of a feather.

Also if she is married make sure her husband knows how she helped and how immoral his wife is. Birds of a feather.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Abe_Fielding said:


> Merry Christmas all,
> 
> first time posting here and I intend to tell my story in another post, but there’s one little thing that has been bugging me and my wife says I’m silly to be bothered by it.
> 
> ...


To reconcile, your wife needs to prioritize your fears, concerns and pain. Her friend knowingly conspired with your wife to betray you. Your pain is directly associated with her friend. Here’s the hard part. 

Something has to give. Either your wife accepts the loss of her friend as a lost privilege in her life if it’s to be lived with you or you cave and allow her to have it. 

Here’s what might be part of your problem. You’ve allowed reconciliation to start without your wife meeting your requirement to remove her friend. 

Reconciliation is a gift that’s earned. Her earning it is achieved by demonstrating and meeting terms you establish. If you’ve begun reconciliation without her meeting your terns, then she doesn’t have any motivation to meet them.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Remember that your partner's friends are your partner's friends first before they are your friend. If you suspect your partner is cheating don't expect their friends to be honest with you in fact don't be surprised if they are deliberately covering for them.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

It’s not really about the friend/s, it’s more about the type of person the spouse and the friend are. It’s absolutely true that MOST people ARE the company they keep. It’s common advice to keep the company of whom you want to be. So it shouldn’t be a surprise that unethical people keep the company of unethical friends.

This is actually one of many reasons I know reconciliation is a pipe dream... the shock and horror at my suggestion in counseling that I don’t care to have the certain friends (that supported my H cheating and hung around with the AP, and all are divorced because of their affairs) in my life ever again, or hanging around my H at all for that matter... “Wait you want me to give up my BEST FRIEND?!?” 
This is what we call a blazing red flag. 

So it’s either they give up the friend and resent you for it, or they keep the friend and keep the unethical behavior along with it. I take option C, no cheater, no sleazy friends. I could see an option D maybe...remove yourself from the cheater’s life and maybe they’ll “come to Jesus” and willingly get rid of all trash. It’s a slim chance I’m sure.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

You seem to be giving your wife the gift of reconciliation. It is a gift, because most men simply kick a cheating, low life wife to the curb as soon as they find out about it.

If your wife is spitting on your gift by not considering your feelings about the friend who conspired against you to aid in your wife's betrayal of you, she is not worth the gift you are giving her.

In fact your wife should be crawling on her hands and knees over broken glass to make up for the pain she has caused you and if she is unwilling to do this and be open and transparent to you including passwords to all her social media, email accounts and devices among other things, she is not worth the gift of reconciliation.

See a lawyer a good shark of a lawyer who specializes in men's rights in divorce, file for divorce, have her served. This will wake her up as to the reality of what she has wrought.

If after that, she realizes the error of her ways and is compliant to do the work to help you heal and finds true remorse for her actions and you still want to, you can always halt the divorce process.

If she doesn't understand the dire position she has placed herself in and the hurt she caused you and the people close to you, she needs to face dire consequences immediately in order to wake up and realize that the natural and reasonable consequences you demand because of her actions are indeed a small price to pay to not have her life blown up in her face.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Abe_Fielding said:


> Merry Christmas all,
> 
> first time posting here and I intend to tell my story in another post, but there’s one little thing that has been bugging me and my wife says I’m silly to be bothered by it.
> 
> ...


WTF. You should have blasted this ***** all to hell. Telling her exactly what type of person willingly helps destroy a marriage. If the POS friend is married you need to tell her husband what she was up to.

It doesn’t sound like your wife gives a damn about what she has done. More then likely with her attitude about her friend, she is remorseless about what she has done.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Abe_Fielding said:


> Yes we are working on things


You can’t fix this if your POS wife is not remorseful for f’ing another guy. She isn’t if she is defending her friend.

File for divorce and leave that so called wife of yours that doesn’t love you at all.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Abe_Fielding said:


> My wife thinks I’m silly for feeling strangely about her friend. Do you agree?


I'm sorry you are going through this, it must be a terrible time for you.

That said I agree with your wife. Since being bitter against your wife's friend is the height of futility.

On the other hand if you want to be bitter towards someone for a good reason, you would do well to be bitter towards your wife. Since your wife is the only person responsible for cheating on you, by deliberately wanting and choosing to let another man secretly **** her repeatedly for months.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

As others have said, reconciliation is something that you must make sure is on your terms. Your wife needs to do the heavy lifting and earn back your trust to rebuild the marriage. She deserves the bulk of your anger, but as you don't want to get rid of her you need to deal with the friend.

Her friend covered for her and enabled her to cheat once. There is no reason to believe she wouldn't do it again. She has to go, at the very least until you have sorted things out (which will likely be several years).

I wish you luck, but your wife's responses so far do not bode well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Abe_Fielding Does your wife know how you feel about her friend? 

How did you find out that they had agreed her friend would cover for her?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If your wife wants to earn your trust, she will need to cut off the friendship. How could you trust her hanging out with the friend, again. No trust = no marriage. How much of a fuss she puts up will tell you how she much she values you and your marriage. She may decide she wants her friend more than you.

Whatever you decide, I hope you make a rule that the friend never darkens your doorstep. She is no friend of yours.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You are not wrong. As others have said, your wife does not sound remorseful at all and I cannot imagine why you are "working things out" with her. If she was remorseful, she would see that her friend was no friend to the marriage and she would understand your feelings towards her. She would have no right to tell you otherwise. I would dump both of them. Are there any kids involved? 

How did your wife meet the POSOM? Is he married and if so, have you informed his betrayed wife? If you plan to do this (and you should do this regardless if you are splitting up or reconciling), do not inform your cheating wife first else she will warn him and concoct up a story. And for good measure, let the other half of your wife's friend know too, so that he knows what kind of woman he is with.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

"Friends" should respect the sanctity of marriage, and report adulteries to the betrayed spouse. Any who do not do this cannot be considered "friends", and are not worthy people to receive any of your time, nor any of the time of your wife.



Abe_Fielding said:


> my wife says I’m silly to be bothered by it.


What this statement proves is that your wife is not repentant. I suggest you offer no forgiveness until all of these self-centered, justify-my-own-actions are gone. Your wife's priority list, right now, needs to be your marriage in positions 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. She should be spending about ZERO time with "friends", and spending ALL her time seeking her Lord's forgiveness, and yours, through changed attitudes and actions. Not just words.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Anger can be a large blanket.
It can cover a whole bed of lies and liars.

Yes, include this lying women in your anger, even hate.
To say, not to blame her, is nonsense.

You must include your wife in the anger. 
Don't forget, she is the prime, under the bed cover, and thrashing-about traitor.



_Nemesis-_


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

I understand why you don’t like her friend but your problem is with your wife, not the friend. You don’t know what your wife told her about you to convince her to cover for her. She probably made you a really bad person.
Maybe her friend now feels bad for helping her out, especially after she sees you together like nothing happened. Now, she is the “bad”one.
It’s your wife’s fault for the cheating, not her friend’s. Tomorrow she will find another friend to lie for her.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

ABHale said:


> WTF. You should have blasted this *** all to hell. Telling her exactly what type of person willingly helps destroy a marriage. If the POS friend is married you need to tell her husband what she was up to.
> 
> It doesn’t sound like your wife gives a damn about what she has done. More then likely with her attitude about her friend, she is remorseless about what she has done.


Totally agree. You need to watch your WW’s actions not her words. During the affair, she replaced you with OM in her heart. It sounds like she is just giving lip service out of fear but that this OM still occupies space in her heart and mind. 

As for the friend, she was an active participant by not only covering for her but most likely encouraging it. If you want to try to R, she needs to be completely cut out of your lives. But I can already tell you that your wife will choose her friend over you. Your wife does not love you.

you need to be working on your exit plan pronto. Should talk to a lawyer to find out exactly what D will be like for you. Have you exposed to her family? If not, do so ASAP. Not in a “your daughter is a who..”, but in a help me fight for the marriage/family. Also start taking care of your health.

To help TAMers give you better advise, it will help to give more details. How did you find out? How has WW acted towards you since you found out? How long have you been married? Do you have children together? How intertwined are your finances. How was your marriage prior to this? Are you the main breadwinner or are you financial equals?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Abe_Fielding said:


> Merry Christmas all,
> 
> first time posting here and I intend to tell my story in another post, but there’s one little thing that has been bugging me and my wife says I’m silly to be bothered by it.
> 
> ...


Your wife thinks your silly? Brother, she is being cavalier towards you as well as your marriage. She is not reconciliation worthy. Focus on getting out of infidelity, and cut her out of your life.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

any "friend" that is not a friend of the marriage has to go.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I would CERTAINLY tell her friends husband about her being complicit in the affair -- actively working to make sure she could cover it up. Tell him you wanted him to know what sort of morals his wife has...

She is NO friend of the marriage, and because of that, should not be around it in any shape or form.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Abe_Fielding said:


> Merry Christmas all,
> 
> first time posting here and I intend to tell my story in another post, but there’s one little thing that has been bugging me and my wife says I’m silly to be bothered by it.
> 
> ...


Her friend probably thinks your wife should leave you and it's probably because of things your wife has told her and whether it's true or not I don't have any idea. But it is insulting to your wife to try to act like if it weren't for her best friend the idea never would have entered her feeble little brain. Your wife has a perfectly functioning brain. It's wasted energy deflecting your anger at somebody else. You have a cheating wife. Now decide what you want to do about it. Good luck.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Abe_Fielding said:


> Yes we are working on things


To reconcile she will have to cut this woman out of your lives. Otherwise she will always have someone in her ear telling her what she did was ok and you are unreasonable. I would make that a mandatory requirement if she wants reconcilliation. If she is not willing to cut her off no contact then you are not important to her, only what you provide.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Your wife is the one who cheated, she must take 100% of the blame and any anger you have should be directed at her. Ok the friend shouldnt have done that, but she didnt cheat, maybe your wife begged her and she thought she was doing the right thing for her friend.


Helping your friend hide her adultry could never be the right thing.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Trying to isolate your wife from her friends is considered abuse. And if she has a brain in her head, she'd leave you just for suggesting that, so stop blaming third parties for the problems between you and your wife.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> Her friend is your enemy and and should be 100% cut out permanently. It sounds like your wife is not reconciliation material. Which means you’ll go through this again. How’d you like it the first time? At least that you know of.


Not only is her friend complicit, but allowing her to keep the mechanisms that were to allow her cheating in place is similar to allowing someone to keep their Tindr account or whatever. It's a part of something that needs to be removed from her life. It's a consequence. Actions must have consequences or else nothing is learned from them.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Trying to isolate your wife from her friends is considered abuse. And if she has a brain in her head, she'd leave you just for suggesting that, so stop blaming third parties for the problems between you and your wife.


I would agree if it was just "I don't like your friend" -- BUT her friend was ACTIVELY willing to sabotage his marriage. That is just BS and if his wife actually wants to reconcile, SHE should be willing to understand that and stop contact.
If the W doesn't like that idea, then I guess she isn't willing to put her marriage first or put HIM above everyone else.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The best friend ALWAYS knows.... it’s almost a universal truth

edit: Generally EVERYONE knows before you do


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I would also make sure if anything happens to you and wife that this culpable woman does not get to raise your kids....godmother my azz! I would have a meeting with her and her hubby and tell her such. Tell him what she did for your wife and she is no longer welcome in your home...no longer a godmother to you kids.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

You guys are funny if you really think some woman is gonna cut her bestie out of her life because her husband that she just cheated on thinks she should do it. That will not happen. Also, IMO, the best friend is just kinda doing what best friends do and that is covering for their friend. I expect most people's best friend would do the same thing.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

marcy* said:


> Tomorrow she will find another friend to lie for her.


And, she will find another friend to lie with her.
Alongside, atop, at bottom, to lie inside of her.

Liars are not unique, they lie everywhere, as we speak!

_
The Typist-_


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Enigma32 said:


> You guys are funny if you really think some woman is gonna cut her bestie out of her life because her husband that she just cheated on thinks she should do it. That will not happen. Also, IMO, the best friend is just kinda doing what best friends do and that is covering for their friend. I expect most people's best friend would do the same thing.


True. We had a friend once who was engaged for years and she got a boyfriend. The way she talked to us about her fiance, made us feel sorry for her and we really thought it was OK she finally will move on with her life and we were hapoy for her that she found another man. That’s what best friend do. Support because most of the time they hear only one side of the story.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> Not only is her friend complicit, but allowing her to keep the mechanisms that were to allow her cheating in place is similar to allowing someone to keep their Tindr account or whatever. It's a part of something that needs to be removed from her life. It's a consequence. Actions must have consequences or else nothing is learned from them.


A wife with one foot out the door certainly isn't about to cut off her best friend. That's a dream borne out of a desperate need to control. It's ridiculous to blame the friend and to make this about that. Once the wife is gone, you won't have to see the best friend again with any luck.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> I would agree if it was just "I don't like your friend" -- BUT her friend was ACTIVELY willing to sabotage his marriage. That is just BS and if his wife actually wants to reconcile, SHE should be willing to understand that and stop contact.
> If the W doesn't like that idea, then I guess she isn't willing to put her marriage first or put HIM above everyone else.


No, her friend wasn't. The wife was. We don't even know if the friend approved or not or if she just got drug into it. The friend is a minor player. The wife is already cheating and probably going to leave one way or the other. She's not about to let a husband she's already trying to get away from dictate who she hangs with.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would be done with both of them. Your wife is faithless and her friend thought it funny to help her be a ho.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> The best friend ALWAYS knows.... it’s almost a universal truth
> 
> edit: Generally EVERYONE knows before you do


^ This. And the friend or relatives are only going on what they're told. They may not even secretly approve of what's going on. But it's not their decision to make. You men, don't tell me you haven't been out with guy friends while married or otherwise committed and had them try to goad you into going after women. Men friends are worse about that then women are. But they squawk the loudest about women have confidants.

It's always so much easier to deal with if you can blame someone else for it, but that is the ultimate disrespect for your partner's ability to make his/her own decisions. I will say that a lot of people automatically start blaming others so they can find some excuse not to leave after being cheated on. It's human, but it's a weak and ineffectual stab at regaining control.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> I would also make sure if anything happens to you and wife that this culpable woman does not get to raise your kids....godmother my azz! I would have a meeting with her and her hubby and tell her such. Tell him what she did for your wife and she is no longer welcome in your home...no longer a godmother to you kids.


You don't have any idea what this husband is like. He could be a tyrant or he could be an angel. But he'll have NO say over whether a friend of the wife's sees the kids or not once divorced.

Some of you guys scare me how dictatorial you'd like to get. I'd wager this is why the marriage is falling apart, at least partly.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> No, her friend wasn't. The wife was. We don't even know if the friend approved or not or if she just got drug into it. The friend is a minor player. The wife is already cheating and probably going to leave one way or the other. She's not about to let a husband she's already trying to get away from dictate who she hangs with.


Re-read what he said:
"I would be at work at night and my wife was telling me she was out with her bestie when she was actually with this other guy. Her bestie knew about the affair and was ready to lie about my wife’s whereabouts should I ever become suspicious. "
SHE knew about it AND WAS READY TO LIE ----- yes a minor player in the sense that is was his WIFE who is at fault, but to have this friend as a person who would help her cheat --- CERTAINLY no friend of the marriage.
If she doesn't decide HERSELF to stop with that friend, then that clearly tells me she isn't really IN to the marriage or reconciliation. She isn't remorseful AT ALL -- just sad she got caught.
The OP should take that into account for how HE wants to move forward.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Why should the best friend be a friend to the marriage? Just because you're best friends with someone doesn't mean you even LIKE their husband or have any allegiance to them. I don't know how long she's known this woman, but it may be decades and for all I know, she may be doing what's best. We don't know what he's like. Best friends know what they've been told and act accordingly.

See how now this whole thread is no longer about the cheating wife and is now all about the horrible best friend? That's called avoiding the real issue.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You men, don't tell me you haven't been out with guy friends while married or otherwise committed and had them try to goad you into going after women. Men friends are worse about that then women are. But they squawk the loudest about women have confidants.


Ugh.😋
Gotta get you past some stereotyping and broad brushing.

I've had three friends have their wives cheat on them and destroy their marriages, this year alone, where the faithless wive's friends knew what was up.

I do not stay friends with anyone who is engaged in infidelity and have actively destroyed at least one very close friend who I found out was cheating.

No one confides in me about the chick they are banging on the side because I don't hang out with lowlifes.

No one has ever been stupid enough to try and egg me on to score with other women and I certainly have never encouraged anyone to cheat by even keeping quiet about it.

Cheaters know to avoid me in social circles.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm not stereotyping, Conan, I'm going on what I've observed in 68 years. No need to get surly just because we don't always agree.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Enigma32 said:


> You guys are funny if you really think some woman is gonna cut her bestie out of her life because her husband that she just cheated on thinks she should do it. That will not happen. Also, IMO, the best friend is just kinda doing what best friends do and that is covering for their friend. I expect most people's best friend would do the same thing.


Enigma, you are always the voice of reason, and you have a gift for saying things in a way that doesn't make everyone mad.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why should the best friend be a friend to the marriage? Just because you're best friends with someone doesn't mean you even LIKE their husband or have any allegiance to them. I don't know how long she's known this woman, but it may be decades and for all I know, she may be doing what's best. We don't know what he's like. Best friends know what they've been told and act accordingly.
> 
> See how now this whole thread is no longer about the cheating wife and is now all about the horrible best friend? That's called avoiding the real issue.


Yes, this. 

OP is going to overlook the fact that his WIFE was ****ing another guy, stay in a marriage with _her_, but the friend is the one who has to go?????

Not.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Actually, this thread is about the OP being bitter over his wife's friend being complicit in the betrayal. He has enough triggers to deal with, why does he have to contend with a trigger that is so easy to forgo? Best friends come and go. They do not take precedence over a spouse. If he is such a monster, then the wife may very well choose her friend. Which would be another betrayal for him to deal with.

If he had wanted to discuss his wife cheating on him, he would have stated so.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Which still doesn't make what he's chosen to focus on anything more than an anger deflection.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Enigma, you are always the voice of reason, and you have a gift for saying things in a way that doesn't make everyone mad.


Really? I kinda figured I was making everyone mad. I just say it anyway.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm not stereotyping, Conan, I'm going on what I've observed in 68 years. No need to get surly just because we don't always agree.


😋 That emoji means I'm not surly.😉


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Abe,

Sorry what a horrible thing to deal with, this "friend" is an enemy of the marriage and is a constant reminder of the affair just by existing .

She can keep you or the friend I think the choice is that black and white.

Isn't a Godmother supposed to look out for the well being of a child, not aid in destroying the childs family.

Get busy exposing the OM to his Wife or SO and the world at large.

This is way too soon for you to be recovered if this is the only issue you have you are rugsweeping.

Is this friend aware that you know the part she played in the affair, or does she continue to think she has pulled the wool over your eyes?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Enigma32 said:


> You guys are funny if you really think some woman is gonna cut her bestie out of her life because her husband that she just cheated on thinks she should do it. That will not happen. Also, IMO, the best friend is just kinda doing what best friends do and that is covering for their friend. I expect most people's best friend would do the same thing.


I am extremely disappointed that people can even think that such low morals should be or is a norm. I actively cut people holding such beliefs out of my life and I can honestly say, my life is all the better for it.

OP, your wife has a choice to make, since it seems you want her in your life still and want to gift her with reconciliation (a mistake in my opinion): 
Enemies of the marriage get lost!... Or she does.

Personally, were it my wife, she would have already been moved in with the best friend awaiting the finalization of a divorce.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Which is probably exactly what will happen.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

I don’t get it why men always see their wife’s friends as a threat in their marriage. I stopped inviting friends over when my hubby was home. I stopped introducing him to my friends, because everytime he fought with me he will bring my friends into it. Like they were ruinning his “perfect “ marriage, and he never saw anything wrong with his behavior and addictions. My friends never talked bad about him, but he had to blame someone for his stupid behaviors.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Better be careful if you do manage to get her to pretend to run the best friend off, because then there won't be anyone else left to blame but your wife and yourself and you'll be forced to face reality instead of indulging in "enemy of the marriage" conspiracy theories.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

marcy* said:


> I don’t get it why men always see their wife’s friends as a threat in their marriage. I stopped inviting friends over when my hubby was home. I stopped introducing him to my friends, because everytime he fought with me he will bring my friends into it. Like they were ruinning his “perfect “ marriage, and he never saw anything wrong with his behavior and addictions. My friends never talked bad about him, but he had to blame someone for his stupid behaviors.


Yes, people will sometimes go to any lengths to find someone else to blame to avoid taking a hard look in the mirror.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yes, people will sometimes go to any lengths to find someone else to blame to avoid taking a hard look in the mirror.


You know what he says now? You don’t have friends because you push them away. 🤦‍♀️ 
Not worth unfriending anyone, just because your partner feels insecure.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yes, people will sometimes go to any lengths to find someone else to blame to avoid taking a hard look in the mirror.


In this case, the best friend WAS a co-conspirator in the infidelity and has to go. This is no hypothetical blame shifting. The best friend has real culpability. She has to go as both godmother and friend if there were to be any chance of reconciliation.

Again, I would rather advise a divorce. In that way the OP gets rid of all his enemies in one foul swoop.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you end up without friends, it will be because he made it too miserable to have them. I'd certainly be weighing all that -- uh-oh, now I'm an "enemy" of your marriage.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Your wife is smart to keep the friend in the picture. As long as you have her as a distraction, at least some of the ire your wife earned will be directed at the friend. That may be just enough to keep you from seeing what is right in front of you.

Try to stay focused here. The friend is a sideshow at best and can be dealt with at any time. This is the time for you to examine your own feelings to depths you may never have before. Reconciliation now is more about you than her. Consider living with the shattered trust, the constant uncertainty and fear whenever she is late or locks her phone when you walk into the room. Never knowing for sure if you know the whole story. Wondering where she really is the next time she says she is out with a friend.

Perhaps you will transform into a post-affair Columbo and furiously monitor her movements in a futile attempt to set your fears at ease. You didn't mention how you discovered the infidelity but I'm sure you will expect her to be more careful to hide such behavior in the future. Will you ever be able, to let your guard down? Will you constantly exhibit suspicion and undermine the future of your marriage?

Are you truly able to put this behind you? I know I couldn't and nearly all those I know who have tried have not been able to either. They have either divorced at a later date or live in a hell no one should endure. Either your wife is a selfish, thoughtless, morally-bankrupt cheater or there were already serious problems in your marriage that don't bode well for the long term. My money says both.

Don't fritter this crucial time away arranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Truly figure out what kind of life you want to live and if this woman can still have a place in it. Make this about you, because she has already proven that she is about her.

Good luck.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dictum Veritas said:


> In this case, the best friend WAS a co-conspirator in the infidelity and has to go. This is no hypothetical blame shifting. The best friend has real culpability. She has to go as both godmother and friend if there were to be any chance of reconciliation.
> 
> Again, I would rather advise a divorce. In that way the OP gets rid of all his enemies in one foul swoop.


Don't worry. It will end in divorce and she'll keep the friend. And once they divorce, he'll have no say in the godmother thing. He will pick his and she'll pick hers. That's how it works.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Don't worry. It will end in divorce and she'll keep the friend. And once they divorce, he'll have no say in the godmother thing. He will pick his and she'll pick hers. That's how it works.


That's the trouble with the sissy Western Laws we now have to put up with. Adultery should carry life obliterating consequences for the guilty.

Luckily pendulums swing and laws change, sooner rather than later, this will return with more consequences than ever though possible. The flow of the tide is already halting and would soon change.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Actually, this thread is about the OP being bitter over his wife's friend being complicit in the betrayal. He has enough triggers to deal with, why does he have to contend with a trigger that is so easy to forgo? Best friends come and go. They do not take precedence over a spouse. If he is such a monster, then the wife may very well choose her friend. Which would be another betrayal for him to deal with.
> 
> If he had wanted to discuss his wife cheating on him, he would have stated so.


That's not a truth, that "best friends come and go". 

I met mine when we were both 4. So, like almost half a century ago. She came, and didn't go. My husband of 16 years went, though.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Riiiight. I don't like cheaters and think there is always a better way to leave the marriage, but some women go seeking others to lean on because they are afraid to go for whatever reason, and that is why it's not going to change. Morals don't figure into court proceedings, and even criminal activity has a set of remedies to get your kids back. No judge is going to rule that a woman can't have a friend to turn to.

This seems like nothing but a desperate grab to gain control to me, and if I had to bet, I'd bet control is one reason she's fleeing the marriage, albeit the wrong way, unless she's in danger, that is.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Which is probably exactly what will happen.


And lets hope for the OP's sake, it does.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Livvie said:


> That's not a truth, that "best friends come and go".
> 
> I met mine when we were both 4. So, like almost half a century ago. She came, and didn't go. My husband of 16 years went, though.


Ah, but did your friend help YOU cheat on your H and was ready/willing/able to hid and cover for you?
If SO, do you think it's right to keep her around to trigger your husband (all hypothetical...).


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> This seems like nothing but a desperate grab to gain control to me, and if I had to bet, I'd bet control is one reason she's fleeing the marriage, albeit the wrong way, unless she's in danger, that is.


And your basis for this observation is? I see no indication of this to be true. I see a man wanting his marriage back, free of outside enemies, ill-aligned as this wish is with reality, there is nothing ignoble in his wants and nothing malicious in what he desires.

If we want to talk about what is malicious, we have to look at the adulterous wife that took everything sacred about the marriage including her husband's love filled heart and defecated all over it. That act is truly malicious and inexcusable no matter how many golden threads someone may want to spin in order to justify it, each of those golden threads is simply iron pyrite rich detritus.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

marcy* said:


> I don’t get it why men always see their wife’s friends as a threat in their marriage. I stopped inviting friends over when my hubby was home. I stopped introducing him to my friends, because everytime he fought with me he will bring my friends into it. Like they were ruinning his “perfect “ marriage, and he never saw anything wrong with his behavior and addictions. My friends never talked bad about him, but he had to blame someone for his stupid behaviors.


They dont always think that, your husband did. However in this case its different as she agreed to cover for her affair.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Enigma32 said:


> You guys are funny if you really think some woman is gonna cut her bestie out of her life because her husband that she just cheated on thinks she should do it. That will not happen. Also, IMO, the best friend is just kinda doing what best friends do and that is covering for their friend. I expect most people's best friend would do the same thing.


It deponds on what you put first I guess, your marriage or your girlfriend.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

That he is trying to get rid of her best friend. I mean, that is a controlling act. Trying to isolate someone from their friends is considered abuse. At a minimum, it is controlling. 

She's wrong for cheating instead of leaving honestly. He's wrong for deflecting blame in a desperate effort to get rid of her friend.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> ^ This. And the friend or relatives are only going on what they're told. They may not even secretly approve of what's going on. But it's not their decision to make. You men, don't tell me you haven't been out with guy friends while married or otherwise committed and had them try to goad you into going after women. Men friends are worse about that then women are. But they squawk the loudest about women have confidants.
> 
> It's always so much easier to deal with if you can blame someone else for it, but that is the ultimate disrespect for your partner's ability to make his/her own decisions. I will say that a lot of people automatically start blaming others so they can find some excuse not to leave after being cheated on. It's human, but it's a weak and ineffectual stab at regaining control.


Thats why you need to choose your friends carefully. If a friend of mine tried to goad me into going after other men, they would be gone. If a friend of mine asked me to cover for them cheating, they would be gone as well.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> It deponds on what you put first I guess, your marriage or your girlfriend.


If it is the girlfriend under circumstances like these, she has no business being married.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> It deponds on what you put first I guess, your marriage or your girlfriend.


Why should you have to ever choose? If the marriage is so unhealthy (whether from abuse, control or her cheating) that you can't have a husband and a friend at the same time, it's not a good marriage, so why would you prioritize it? There's no justification to have to choose to either have friends or just have a husband.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

marcy* said:


> You know what he says now? You don’t have friends because you push them away. 🤦‍♀️
> Not worth unfriending anyone, just because your partner feels insecure.


Correct but in YOUR case, your H is just being immature and manipulative. YOUR friends were not hiding and giving you an alibi so that you could cheat.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That he is trying to get rid of her best friend. I mean, that is a controlling act. Trying to isolate someone from their friends is considered abuse. At a minimum, it is controlling.
> 
> She's wrong for cheating instead of leaving honestly. He's wrong for deflecting blame in a desperate effort to get rid of her friend.


I don't think he is completely focusing on the GF -- he knows his wife is 100% at fault, but since he is going the R route, he wants a chance to "control" the boundaries of that R -- and having someone who was willing to help her cheat OUT of the equation, yeah he has every right to that.
SHE also has the right to tell him NO.
If that is the base, the OP needs to think about how realistic the R actually is and what he wants to do about her blowing of HIS boundaries.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

No one said she goaded her, though. And we're just hearing his version of the events.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That he is trying to get rid of her best friend. I mean, that is a controlling act. Trying to isolate someone from their friends is considered abuse. At a minimum, it is controlling.


Getting rid of someone who actively participated in the destruction of your marriage and abuse of the husband (in this case the OP) is in no way controlling. Anyone who would see this as controlling has no business wanting the gift of reconciliation and should take the best friend and just leave the abused man and move in to their abuser's clubhouse.

The only controlling act here is a wife being controlling by using everything including her best friend to take away her husband's agency by hiding the truth about her adultery with lies and deception in order to assert control over the marriage and her BS as to not have him kick her out.

The only controlling person here is the loose moraled adulterous wife and the golden thread you are spinning is a prime example of the iron pyrite rich detritus I was talking about earlier.

The wife here and not the husband is the amoral abuser, PERIOD!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Which is exactly what she will probably do. God forbid I should be an example of whatever gibberish you are obliquely referring to there, my friend. I'll be up night worrying about it. 

I think you grossly overestimate the influence a friend has over her friends. This is her decision. She has her own brain. Whatever her friend did, she asked her to do. He needs to stop deflecting blame. It's just wasting time. Her friend didn't cause her to cheat, but that is what he desperately wants to believe.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think you grossly overestimate the influence a friend has over her friends. This is her decision. She has her own brain. Whatever her friend did, she asked her to do. He needs to stop deflecting blame. It's just wasting time. Her friend didn't cause her to cheat, but that is what he desperately wants to believe.


On this we have accord under the caveat that if the wife seeks reconciliation, anyone who lent assistance to her efforts will have to go. OP however must be laser focused placing blame where it lies and that is with his wife.

If no reconciliation is in the cards, who cares who the cheating scum is friends with.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You men, don't tell me you haven't been out with guy friends while married or otherwise committed and had them try to goad you into going after women.


I can tell you definately not! I believe it is wrong to go out without your spouse. If my wife wanted to go bar hopping without me with her, dont bother coming home....we are done. I chose to not have a bachelor party because the woman i wanted was not at the club...why would i want to be.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Yes, I know Divinely. But most of the world likes having friends and a social life, and some of them can even be trusted while doing so, believe it or not!


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

jlg07 said:


> Correct but in YOUR case, your H is just being immature and manipulative. YOUR friends were not hiding and giving you an alibi so that you could cheat.


True but my point is men will find someone to blame, to justify their actions. In his case he forgave her, but can’t forgive her friend. Why? She helped her hide her cheating, she didn’t push his wife to cheat. If his wife is really sorry there is nothing to worry about. He should have a discussion with her friend actually. Sometimes it helps to know their side.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Something similar happened to one of my female cousins. Her partner was cheating and his friend was covering for him. This was a guy who I dated in high school and who I considered to be a good friend.

My cousin and I don't speak to him since she found out. But her partner kept in touch with him. My cousin gave her partner a second chance and they are still together.

The thing is, don't be surprised if your wife feels more loyalty to her friend. They have a special bond, they are partners in crime. 

Now, you have to decide if you are willing to reconcile with both, your wife and the friend. Your wife is already defending her friend and calling you "silly." If she doesn't see any problem with her friendship, then your wife lives in a different reality than yours. She's loyal to her friend, you are loyal to your wife. 

What are you going to do now?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Livvie said:


> That's not a truth, that "best friends come and go".
> 
> I met mine when we were both 4. So, like almost half a century ago. She came, and didn't go. My husband of 16 years went, though.


I've had the same best friend for 56 years. It isn't the norm, though.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

There is plenty of anger for both....deservedly so.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That he is trying to get rid of her best friend. I mean, that is a controlling act. Trying to isolate someone from their friends is considered abuse. At a minimum, it is controlling.
> 
> She's wrong for cheating instead of leaving honestly. He's wrong for deflecting blame in a desperate effort to get rid of her friend.


Nothing controlling at all...him or her. Choice is hers. It is not all her friends, only the one who aided in her adultrous behavior. There was no issue with friend prior to that.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why should you have to ever choose? If the marriage is so unhealthy (whether from abuse, control or her cheating) that you can't have a husband and a friend at the same time, it's not a good marriage, so why would you prioritize it? There's no justification to have to choose to either have friends or just have a husband.


Again it is only THIS sorry excuse for a friend partner in crime.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Why are you allowing your cheating wife to write the narrative to any reconciling of your marriage she should be doing everything to repairing the marriage


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

One of the NON-NEGOTIABLES is that she goes no contact with ANYONE that has not been a friend to your marriage... PERMANENTLY!!!!

This is not because of you. This is a result of your wife’s action!

Do what is best for you!

Good luck and stay strong!!!!


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You men, don't tell me you haven't been out with guy friends while married or otherwise committed and had them try to goad you into going after women.


I have never been out with guy friends while married or otherwise committed and had them try to goad me into going after women. Nor have I ever seen one of the gang do that to another. 

Oh wait, you didn't want me to tell you.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Quite interesting that there appear to be a good few women who are saying that any demand to ditch the best friend is unrealistic and controlling. Others perhaps suggesting that men goad each other into affairs all the time (they don't btw).

Okay, then if I were the OPs best friend and that was stated I would be telling them that reconciliation is a waste of time and they should file for divorce. That is my recommendation for the OP anyway.

If you are a wife who has cheated and your bff has conspired to cover it up and your husband knows that, you have a choice. Choosing your bff and expecting reconciliation with your husband is not a realistic choice. You may think it is controlling or whatever, but guess what? That attitude won't save your marriage and is just a continuation of the cake-eating attitude that makes you think you can go around ****ing other guys and still have a marriage to go back to.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Which is exactly what she will probably do. God forbid I should be an example of whatever gibberish you are obliquely referring to there, my friend. I'll be up night worrying about it.
> 
> I think you grossly overestimate the influence a friend has over her friends. This is her decision. She has her own brain. Whatever her friend did, she asked her to do. He needs to stop deflecting blame. It's just wasting time. Her friend didn't cause her to cheat, but that is what he desperately wants to believe.


That really isn't the point. No-one is really suggesting that the bff cooked up the whole thing. However as a human being you do not have to actively enable people to do bad things and if you do, you need to accept consequences for your actions.

The OP is perfectly justified in feeling how he does and setting the condition that the friend goes in order to attempt reconciliation. It is up to the wife to decide whether she can accept those terms or get served papers. How can you possibly be in a place to begin trusting again when your wayward spouse maintains such a close relationship with a key enabler to the destruction of your marriage? It is only one step better than asking to remain friends with the AP themselves and sadly there are plenty of women who have tried to pull that **** too.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I must have different expectations of friendships than a lot of people... I find lying and encouraging disgusting behavior unpalatable. If I’m going to lie for you it better be for a great reason, getting laid outside your marriage isn’t one of them. Back to the like attracts like... pigs like to keep pigs as company. The end.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

How are you holding up @Abe_Fielding?


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Yes, this.
> 
> OP is going to overlook the fact that his WIFE was ****ing another guy, stay in a marriage with _her_, but the friend is the one who has to go?????
> 
> Not.


I have stated this before:

1. the BS forgives the WS because if they cannot or do not they
cannot recover their marriage.

2. the BS never has to forgive the AP because this action is not
needed for them to recover their marriage.

and now I will add:

3. the BS does not need to forgive the BFF to recover their marriage.
and to forgive requires that the BFF repairs the trust that they also
broke as did the WS. There is no way that the BFF can repair that
broken trust.

imagine the BFF sharing all social media accounts, emails, passwords.
proving that when WS and BFF are together they are not conspiring
to enable more affairs.

that is not happening.

losing a BFF is one of the consequences of having and affair.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your WW is not R material. Her blowing of your concerns about her friend should tell you everything you need to know. Her friend, who played like she’s your friend too, actively helped your wife get banged by some dude for months. 

Please go see a lawyer so you can get your abusive wife out of your life. Pursuing R , is a long and difficult road with a remorseful spouse but going down that road with someone who belittles your concerns is a recipe for continued heartbreak. 

It may seem scary to start over but you will be surprised how good it feels to be with a new woman who values you and there’s one thing I’m sure of, a wife who gives herself to another man for months does not love or value you.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That he is trying to get rid of her best friend. I mean, that is a controlling act. Trying to isolate someone from their friends is considered abuse. At a minimum, it is controlling.
> 
> She's wrong for cheating instead of leaving honestly. He's wrong for deflecting blame in a desperate effort to get rid of her friend.


difference between having a say as to what "friends" a WW can have
after D day and those "friends" that supported and enabled her affair.

the WW brought those friends into her affair. she freely did so and the
same for those friends. people involved in affairs are not immune from
consequences. enabling a friend to do something as bad as an affair
is not a true or good friend.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> No one said she goaded her, though. And we're just hearing his version of the events.


goaded or not, she did not condemn, she enabled the PA,
she did not force her to confess to her BH.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't know any women friends who go their women friends into messing around. And I don't think that's what went on here either.

He doesn't want to face what's actually gone on and she is just the scapegoat. Women, don't stay with men who ask you to give up your friends or your pets. It's not a good trade.

But if you are wanting to see other men, do it right and leave the relationship first if you can. But by all means if there's some reason you need some help to get out, which I do not know that that is the case here at all, get it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yes, I know Divinely. But most of the world likes having friends and a social life, and some of them can even be trusted while doing so, believe it or not!


I'm with you on this but to successfully reconcile, which I don't really recommend in this guy's case, you have to restructure a lot of things to reinforce the integrity of a severely damaged marriage.

This includes, among other things, getting rid of enablers and those that helped in the damaging of the marriage.

I've counseled many and so many relationships are being damaged by allowing enemies of the relationship in the inner circle of friends.

Helping someone cheat is about as destructive to that relationship as you can be.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

All we've heard is his assessment of it. Bottom line, his wife is the only one with any obligation to him. All the blame should go squarely on her shoulders. She may just be blaming her friend to deflect some of it off of her or what I really believe is that he is.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> All we've heard is his assessment of it. Bottom line, his wife is the only one with any obligation to him. All the blame should go squarely on her shoulders. She may just be blaming her friend to deflect some of it off of her or what I really believe is that he is.


I actually don't think this is a good situation for reconciliation anyway.

She is not a good candidate and I don't think he has his head in a good enough place to attempt R either.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He needs to face the reality that even if they both agreed to reconcile, just getting rid of her friend isn't going to keep her from cheating again. That's just naive. There's no way her friend made her cheat. That was her decision. I think his thinking on this is not realistic, and that does make me wonder what other kind of skewed thinking he has. You can't hold on to someone by isolating them because that is abuse. If she wants to get out of the marriage, she can and should use all resources to do it. she may feel the only way she can ever leave is to replace him and LeapFrog over to someone. We just don't know if she's self-sufficient and could have just left of her own accord and gotten an attorney. We don't know if this was just her having a casual bit of fun or an attempt to leave the marriage. We don't know if she is miserable in the marriage or just wants a bit of fun. and we're probably not going to get an accurate picture of that from him so we're never going to hear her side of it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He needs to face the reality that even if they both agreed to reconcile, just getting rid of her friend isn't going to keep her from cheating again. That's just naive. There's no way her friend made her cheat. That was her decision. I think his thinking on this is not realistic, and that does make me wonder what other kind of skewed thinking he has. You can't hold on to someone by isolating them because that is abuse. If she wants to get out of the marriage, she can and should use all resources to do it. she may feel the only way she can ever leave is to replace him and LeapFrog over to someone. We just don't know if she's self-sufficient and could have just left of her own accord and gotten an attorney. We don't know if this was just her having a casual bit of fun or an attempt to leave the marriage. We don't know if she is miserable in the marriage or just wants a bit of fun. and we're probably not going to get an accurate picture of that from him so we're never going to hear her side of it.


I don't think you are able to understand.

If I was of a mind to reconcile if Mrs. C ever cheated, I'm not unless there were peculiar circumstances, I would require all other backstabbers to be out of my circle.

People who play with rabid dogs shouldn't be surprised when they get rabies.

People who surround themselves with backstabbers shouldn't be surprised when they find a knife through their ribs.

I don't give enemies my time or attention.

This "friend" is absolutely an enemy to him, his children and his family.

The biggest culprit is the faithless wife of course but in choosing to R with her, he has to work with her but that doesn't include any other enemy.

The friendship might be able to resume after some serious work by the wayward wife and some healthy reconciliation and if the previously backstabbing friend could show some real reform herself.

I would probably destroy her myself so she would be doing everything in her power to avoid me anyway.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He needs to face the reality that even if they both agreed to reconcile, just getting rid of her friend isn't going to keep her from cheating again. That's just naive. There's no way her friend made her cheat. That was her decision. I think his thinking on this is not realistic, and that does make me wonder what other kind of skewed thinking he has. You can't hold on to someone by isolating them because that is abuse. If she wants to get out of the marriage, she can and should use all resources to do it. she may feel the only way she can ever leave is to replace him and LeapFrog over to someone. We just don't know if she's self-sufficient and could have just left of her own accord and gotten an attorney. We don't know if this was just her having a casual bit of fun or an attempt to leave the marriage. We don't know if she is miserable in the marriage or just wants a bit of fun. and we're probably not going to get an accurate picture of that from him so we're never going to hear her side of it.


I missed the last part.

Regardless of her reasoning, she is a faithless wife and destroyed her marriage.

She is apparently wanting to keep her marriage after her shoddy treatment of it but she has serious work to do to accomplish it.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't know any women friends who go their women friends into messing around. And I don't think that's what went on here either.
> 
> He doesn't want to face what's actually gone on and she is just the scapegoat. Women, don't stay with men who ask you to give up your friends or your pets. It's not a good trade.
> 
> But if you are wanting to see other men, do it right and leave the relationship first if you can. But by all means if there's some reason you need some help to get out, which I do not know that that is the case here at all, get it.


I actually agree with one step further... never ask someone to get rid of friends, instead judge the person by the company they keep and make the only appropriate cut, the sig other.

I can think of a few females that have goaded and fully romanticized an affair, my WH’s AP had several. They joined in outings with my H and his cheater friend group, and had a great ol time drinking and partying while I was taking care of my kids and home, and the AP’s husband was doing the same for her.

So you and I agree actually, the friends aren’t the issue. More so, it’s the character of the person who chooses them and I sure have learned a whole lot on the subject.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Yep, the friend is ancillary. Pretending the wife didn't choose her and they aren't basically like minded is avoiding the issue and scapegoating to avoid that reality and is trying to give the wife an excuse to blame it on, the evil friend. There is a very good likelihood the wife just blamed it on her to begin with and we don't even know if that's even true, but just the first excuse she came up with on short notice.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yep, the friend is ancillary. Pretending the wife didn't choose her and they aren't basically like minded is avoiding the issue and scapegoating to avoid that reality and is trying to give the wife an excuse to blame it on, the evil friend. There is a very good likelihood the wife just blamed it on her to begin with and we don't even know if that's even true, but just the first excuse she came up with on short notice.


That’s true, and the real concern should be the wife, and her choices. The question should be “Why should I keep you and all your continued bad choices” NOT “I’ll keep you if you get rid of this friend.” The friends should be viewed as a magnifying glass to the innate desires and wants of the person themselves not as the catalyst for the behaviors. And if she is lying about the friend, again, that’s back on her and her character anyhow... same result, he needs to be done not manage her friend group.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There was someone on TAM years ago whose wife had a BF who encouraged her to have sex with her own husband, then dared her to go bareback with him. She fell pregnant. So toxic BFs are a danger.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> That’s true, and the real concern should be the wife, and her choices. The question should be “Why should I keep you and all your continued bad choices” NOT “I’ll keep you if you get rid of this friend.” The friends should be viewed as a magnifying glass to the innate desires and wants of the person themselves not as the catalyst for the behaviors. And if she is lying about the friend, again, that’s back on her and her character anyhow... same result, he needs to be done not manage her friend group.


Yep. That's controlling and avoiding the real issue. He thinks he can monitor her into submission, a classic mistake that often ends with a restraining order. 

And the couple of guys on here who say they'd "take care of" the friend need to remember it's their wife that lied, so the friend may just be a convenient excuse and will only land him jail.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> There was someone on TAM years ago whose wife had a BF who encouraged her to have sex with her own husband, then dared her to go bareback with him. She fell pregnant. So toxic BFs are a danger.


Yep, that's what I would call a "toxic friend," one who gives really bad advice!


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Abe_Fielding said:


> Yes we are working on things


I get the feeling that "working on things" entails little more than her telling you everything you've done wrong in her mind and how you can improve yourself to help prevent her cheating again. I.e., a lot of saying things like "yes, I am sorry for cheating but we can't ignore x, y and z on your end".


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

I should think that, at the minimum, the "friend" should at least be removed as the kids godmother. I mean, whether or not she is an important point of discussion and regardless of whether she was directly encouraging the affair or passively condoning it, being a godmother demands a level of trust between both parties, mother and father, that she is clearly no longer worthy of.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I must be missing something. In neither of his two posts is he trying to absolve the wife and shift the responsibility onto her best friend. He's simply saying he isn't comfortable with the bff still being in the picture.


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## Thirtyyearsmore (Aug 13, 2019)

123 post vast majority of it back and forth about nothing ...

Abe,
Reconciliation is hard. Very damn hard. It takes years. Not days. Not months. Is your WW worth it? Do you think she will put forth the effort? What has she done to fix this?

You are way too early to decide on reconciliation of really divorce for that matter. Unless cheating is a hard boundary for you. Forget the friend for right now. Forget your wife for right now. Clear your emotions and decide whether you have anything to save here.

Get tested. Make her get tested.

See a lawyer. Doesn't mean you have to divorce. Just a smart thing to do. Stop playing at anything resembling a pick me dance. Do not be her emotional tampon or support. She does not have that right any longer.

Expose to family. It does wonders for removing any remaining affair fog.

A written timeline. Maybe you want a polygraph.

If you choose reconciliation, then set your terms. Individual counseling no marriage counseling. No marriage right now. If the best friend being gone is what you need then set that boundary.

Any reasonable request she refuses to honor. Then decide if it's a deal breaker.

But again...it's way too soon to agree to reconciliation.

ANYBODY THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE AFFAIR AND HELPING YOUR WIFE LIE AND CHEAT IS NOT A FRIEND TO YOUR MARRIAGE.

And honestly, I'm disturbed by anyone on here that has been cheated on that think it's okay to completely dismiss your feelings on this. And question your integrity in this matter. We all have to give advice based on what we're given. And suggest stuff like you might be a control freak or abusive is ridiculous. We are hear to help the betrayed not bicker back and forth like two year olds and cast dispersions to fit our own narrative.

Good luck Abe


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Here is the thing -- those who say the BF isn't a problem.
This has NOTHING to do with the actual affair.
It has to do with the R -- when doing an R, you should be getting rid of enablers. YES the wife is at fault 100%, but in an R the common wisdom is to ALSO get rid of anyone who enabled the affair. Her BF is an enabler, SO she should NOT be involved with the wife during the R. Period, pretty simple.
Those who say that the BF is not big deal -- NOT true for the R -- again, if she helped with the affair, and was willing to cover it up, she has to go for the R to succeed.
That being said, I REALLY do not think this wife is any sort of candidate for R.

EDT: Of COURSE by BF I mean best friend!!


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Thirtyyearsmore said:


> 123 post vast majority of it back and forth about nothing ...
> 
> Abe,
> Reconciliation is hard. Very damn hard. It takes years. Not days. Not months. Is your WW worth it? Do you think she will put forth the effort? What has she done to fix this?
> ...


I think the main point of the dialogue was that the blame is on the cheater, and yes it is entirely reasonable to expect upstanding friendships that support a marriage but it should be willingly and voluntarily given by the cheater... the very fact that she is gaslighting him on the topic says all he needs to know.

You don’t truly know which way is up and down when this happens to you... so I think it’s important that he understand what happens when reconciliation is based in the cheater still trying to maintain their cake and lifestyle. It’s a recipe for reconciliation failure in my mind.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Abe_Fielding said:


> Merry Christmas all,
> 
> first time posting here and I intend to tell my story in another post, but there’s one little thing that has been bugging me and my wife says I’m silly to be bothered by it.
> 
> ...


You have every right to be angry about your wife's best friend, she is not a protector of your marriage. In fact most men in your position would insist your wife dumps this friend, who seems to be a bad influence. More to the point what are you doing about your wife's affair. There are many tips on here. You need to shock and awe your wife as it sounds like she has no respect for you at all. She needs to have a major 'come to Jesus' moment. Do you have kids? Your first point of call should be a lawyer. You sound very docile about all of this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

AGoodFlogging said:


> Quite interesting that there appear to be a good few women who are saying that any demand to ditch the best friend is unrealistic and controlling. Others perhaps suggesting that men goad each other into affairs all the time (they don't btw).
> 
> Okay, then if I were the OPs best friend and that was stated I would be telling them that reconciliation is a waste of time and they should file for divorce. That is my recommendation for the OP anyway.
> 
> If you are a wife who has cheated and your bff has conspired to cover it up and your husband knows that, you have a choice. Choosing your bff and expecting reconciliation with your husband is not a realistic choice. You may think it is controlling or whatever, but guess what? That attitude won't save your marriage and is just a continuation of the cake-eating attitude that makes you think you can go around ****ing other guys and still have a marriage to go back to.


I am a female and I do not agree, any friend who eggs on and covers for an affair is not a friend at all. Friends should give sage advice and protect their friends marriages, If there are problems in a marriage any idiot knows that having an affair is not a solution, just causes more problems. So if a friend really cares they would not encourage such as situation, (if they had any morals of their own of course!).


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I think you are right to treat the issue of the BF’s role so seriously and as a separate issue.and I would want to hit back at her hard. I think you are right that there are TWO people you should be angry at.

Is the BF married? If so, I would contact her husband to explain the role she had in your wife’s affair, I would then question him about whether, if she was capable of duplicity in infidelity, she was herself cheating (or had cheated) on him? Let her feel a bit of heat because you might actually be uncovering the truth.

Have you thought about approaching the BF for revenge sex? If she is willing to facilitate your wife’s affair then she may be willing to facilitate yours. At the very least, tell her she owes you one. Do it publicly as well so your wife and the BF’s husband see it. (This is a tongue in cheek suggestion before anyone jumps all over it, but, hey, it might just work)

There will probably be fall out from this but it will help show where your wife’s priorities lie.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

A truly repentant person would want to remove people who enabled them, and also do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. That is rarer then a unicorn however. 

OP if you stay with this women I think there is a good chance she will cheat again and you will be in for a very hard life. You have no idea the kind of vipers you are dealing with. Not good people at all.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Harold Demure said:


> Have you thought about approaching the BF for revenge sex? If she is willing to facilitate your wife’s affair then she may be willing to facilitate yours.


I honestly don't think this is a silly as it seems, though being so direct wouldn't work. Her BF may have been trying to brake up the marriage though. That kind of **** happens all the time with these kind of duplicitous people. It's a terrible idea though.


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## Abe_Fielding (Dec 26, 2020)

Personal said:


> How are you holding up @Abe_Fielding?


I’m hanging in there. I’m a little surprised at the comments stating I was a controlling husband. In no way was I suggesting that my wife drop her friend from our life. Honestly, that thought never crossed my mind until someone mentioned it here.

My wife was simply surprised that I harbored resentment towards the friend (along with my wife) after all this went down. I was just curious if maybe I was crazy for having ill will towards the friend too.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Abe_Fielding said:


> I’m hanging in there. I’m a little surprised at the comments stating I was a controlling husband. In no way was I suggesting that my wife drop her friend from our life. Honestly, that thought never crossed my mind until someone mentioned it here.
> 
> My wife was simply surprised that I harbored resentment towards the friend (along with my wife) after all this went down. I was just curious if maybe I was crazy for having ill will towards the friend too.


You are not crazy and your wife is the last person in the world whose word you should take on the subject. As for the friend, as I wrote before, eff her. She's not your friend. She plotted against you. She didn't have to do that. You know who she is, you know what she is. Don't waste any more time on her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Abe_Fielding said:


> I’m hanging in there. I’m a little surprised at the comments stating I was a controlling husband. In no way was I suggesting that my wife drop her friend from our life. Honestly, that thought never crossed my mind until someone mentioned it here.
> 
> My wife was simply surprised that I harbored resentment towards the friend (along with my wife) after all this went down. I was just curious if maybe I was crazy for having ill will towards the friend too.


You don't have to like the BF and she doesn't have to like you. It's perfectly normal, actually. Glad to hear you're not taking an extreme stance on it, truly relieved.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You don't have to like the BF and she doesn't have to like you. It's perfectly normal, actually. Glad to hear you're not taking an extreme stance on it, truly relieved.


It isn't normal at all. It is a toxic dynamic and it will damage any reconciliation.

But hey, he's going to have to find that out himself. After all "hanging on in there" is doing great, isn't it?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> I must be missing something. In neither of his two posts is he trying to absolve the wife and shift the responsibility onto her best friend. He's simply saying he isn't comfortable with the bff still being in the picture.


Not missing a thing oh blonde one.😉


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Abe_Fielding said:


> I’m hanging in there. I’m a little surprised at the comments stating I was a controlling husband. In no way was I suggesting that my wife drop her friend from our life. Honestly, that thought never crossed my mind until someone mentioned it here.
> 
> My wife was simply surprised that I harbored resentment towards the friend (along with my wife) after all this went down. I was just curious if maybe I was crazy for having ill will towards the friend too.


Not crazy at all. You're actually far more mild about it than I would be but I am a barbarian.😉


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Abe_Fielding said:


> I’m hanging in there. I’m a little surprised at the comments stating I was a controlling husband. In no way was I suggesting that my wife drop her friend from our life. Honestly, that thought never crossed my mind until someone mentioned it here.
> 
> My wife was simply surprised that I harbored resentment towards the friend (along with my wife) after all this went down. I was just curious if maybe I was crazy for having ill will towards the friend too.


Even if it had turned out you had been suggesting that, it wouldn't be the worst thing, by a longshot, you could do or ask for. Honestly, I think you probably question your feelings too much. Just what exactly is it your WW is doing for you?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Abe_Fielding said:


> I’m hanging in there. I’m a little surprised at the comments stating I was a controlling husband. In no way was I suggesting that my wife drop her friend from our life. Honestly, that thought never crossed my mind until someone mentioned it here.
> 
> My wife was simply surprised that I harbored resentment towards the friend (along with my wife) after all this went down. I was just curious if maybe I was crazy for having ill will towards the friend too.


Hanging in there? That sounds so passive. What consequences has you WW faced for months of betraying you? 
how has she been. It doesn’t sound like she to distraught for breaking your heart.

Wasn’t this friend also your friend? Did this friend also encourage your WW to pursue this affair?

BTW: it is NOT controlling to want this friend out of your lives and marriage. If you had a friend who was encouraging you to hook up with another woman, I’m sure you would cut him off if your wife found out and none of These man haters, who constantly play the controlling or abusive cards, would think your wife was wrong but since it’s a man wanting it, you’re accused of being controlling.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jsmart said:


> Hanging in there? That sounds so passive. What consequences has you WW faced for months of betraying you?
> how has she been. It doesn’t sound like she to distraught for breaking your heart.
> 
> Wasn’t this friend also your friend? Did this friend also encourage your WW to pursue this affair?
> ...


No. The friend was not encouraging the wife to have an affair. Read the OP. She was the wife's alibi, though.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You don't have to like the BF and she doesn't have to like you. It's perfectly normal, actually. Glad to hear you're not taking an extreme stance on it, truly relieved.


You would be.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> There was someone on TAM years ago whose wife had a BF who encouraged her to have sex with her own husband, then dared her to go bareback with him. She fell pregnant. So toxic BFs are a danger.


what was the end to that story?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Abe_Fielding said:


> I’m hanging in there. I’m a little surprised at the comments stating I was a controlling husband. In no way was I suggesting that my wife drop her friend from our life. Honestly, that thought never crossed my mind until someone mentioned it here.
> 
> My wife was simply surprised that I harbored resentment towards the friend (along with my wife) after all this went down. I was just curious if maybe I was crazy for having ill will towards the friend too.


No you aren’t crazy and controlling. You’re normal. Welcome to the ****-show of being cheated on.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

OddOne said:


> Even if it had turned out you had been suggesting that, it wouldn't be the worst thing, by a longshot, you could do or ask for. Honestly, I think you probably question your feelings too much. Just what exactly is it your WW is doing for you?


Is it a plague upon the spouse who gets betrayed that we question every emotion, every reaction, every action x100? A person who cheats does less than enough reflection on actions and reactions. That can’t be a coincidence.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

She is just toxic to your marriage. She goes NC as do you. 
one day at a time 
Buffer


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Abe_Fielding said:


> I’m hanging in there. I’m a little surprised at the comments stating I was a controlling husband. In no way was I suggesting that my wife drop her friend from our life. Honestly, that thought never crossed my mind until someone mentioned it here.
> 
> My wife was simply surprised that I harbored resentment towards the friend (along with my wife) after all this went down. I was just curious if maybe I was crazy for having ill will towards the friend too.


I feel bad for you OP. You have no idea type of person you are married to. When the cheating and immorality is built into a person's social group it's like a culture. It's a culture that normalizes abuse. You should get out now why you have the chance. These are not good people, that includes your wife. You are going to waste a lot of time. 

Again this is difficult to read I am sure, and I don't like writing it but this is not a case where she got caught up in something, knew it was wrong but desire over took her. Where she knew she was doing wrong and would hurt you and was ashamed. This was something she shared with her friends with no shame at all, decent people, moral people don't do that. Her group is immoral and will only reinforce that fact. There is no hope with people like that. None.

Get out now before you end up feeling more pain in the future.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He needs to face the reality that even if they both agreed to reconcile, just getting rid of her friend isn't going to keep her from cheating again. That's just naive. There's no way her friend made her cheat. That was her decision. I think his thinking on this is not realistic, and that does make me wonder what other kind of skewed thinking he has. You can't hold on to someone by isolating them because that is abuse. If she wants to get out of the marriage, she can and should use all resources to do it. she may feel the only way she can ever leave is to replace him and LeapFrog over to someone. We just don't know if she's self-sufficient and could have just left of her own accord and gotten an attorney. We don't know if this was just her having a casual bit of fun or an attempt to leave the marriage. We don't know if she is miserable in the marriage or just wants a bit of fun. and we're probably not going to get an accurate picture of that from him so we're never going to hear her side of it.


As aleays, men are satan and the woman is always the victim. Guy must be lying as his mouth is moving. My experience had been women are more deceitful and conniving than men ever thought about. But some people will always believe the woman is the victim.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Abe_Fielding you wife is not taking you seriously because you are not acting with strength and finality. Seriously, if you continue to act as if it is wrong for you to be angry about all of this and that she has basically destroyed your old marriage then you will limp along in false reconciliation with rug sweeping and trickle truthing and you will wake up 5 years from now wondering why the hell you stayed and put up with this. There are men on here who you should listen to and act accordingly. If you wife cared about you or the marriage she would be bending over backwards to undo all the damage she has caused. Instead because you have not acted with strength she has no respect for you.


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

Abe_Fielding said:


> Merry Christmas all,
> 
> first time posting here and I intend to tell my story in another post, but there’s one little thing that has been bugging me and my wife says I’m silly to be bothered by it.
> 
> ...


Does the friend know that you know? If not call them out. Also I would remove them as god parents and let them know why. Then finally ask yourself do you really want to be in this relationship. If your wife cannot see the the toxic relationship and she wants to keep the friend then remove yourself from the situation and be there for the kid. No one needs the drama. Life is too short. 

Blow up the other man's world


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Are you absolutely sure the affair is over? Are you absolutely sure your wife wants to reconcile? Or is she still playing you and lying?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

What a sad story. I’m not shocked by the actions of OP’s wife, she has already shown her true colors. For the women here that think OP wife’s BFF should still be in the picture, you have also shown your true colors. Ugh! Wife’s BFF should have been gone forever yesterday. No wiggle room on this one, Abe. I might add this is only step one of much, much more. In most cases, R is simply not worth it. Sounds like your wife’s continued actions make your case as simply not worth it.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

RebuildingMe said:


> What a sad story. I’m not shocked by the actions of OP’s wife, she has already shown her true colors. For the women here that think OP wife’s BFF should still be in the picture, you have also shown your true colors. Ugh! Wife’s BFF should have been gone forever yesterday. No wiggle room on this one, Abe. I might add this is only step one of much, much more. In most cases, R is simply not worth it. Sounds like your wife’s continued actions make your case as simply not worth it.


Le me tell you a story that happened in my country years ago. I had a co worker, let’s name her Mary, my age we were both 22 years olds. She had a boyfriend. Another coworker, Jess, knew her boyfriend. Used to live in same neighborhood when she was a child, but many years ago. She moved, got married. She hadn’t seem him since, and didn’t know they were together until she told her. Her family learned about her boyfriend and since her boyfriend denied they were together, not sure why, she wanted revenge and blamed the other coworker and him for trying to kidnap her and sell her as sex worker. I know it was a great script for a movie.😆 Mary’s sister came to talk to Jess. Not talk but accuse her. Screamed at her. Poor Jess. She was married and didn’t know why they were accusing her of such things. Her husband believed her and not them, or her marriage would have ended.
My point is don’t blame others for your actions. Our co worker and the man were falsely accused. All this because our idiot coworker was mad that her boyfriend left her. And not even 2 months later I saw her with her boyfriend again.🤦‍♀️Just pretended like I didn’t see them. We knew she lied, so...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Please do share your entire story in a new thread. It would be best to handle it all there while we know all the circumstances. 

It's very important to know what your wife told her BFF. I mean, if she was lying to her about you being abusive or dangerously irresponsible or something like that, then the Friend was covering for your Wife under false pretenses and shouldn't be blamed. If your Wife was simply out for some hot new guy, well, then, this "Friend" needs to be removed from your marriage as complicit in ruining it.

And make no mistake. Your wife ruined your marriage. Do not rugsweep this - it's a major offense, divorceable by most standards. You should in no way feel any obligation to "stick it out" if you don't want to.

From the very brief sounds of it, your wife doesn't seem remorseful about what happened. Somehow she got caught and she wants it all to go away, right? Well, share your story and we'll know a lot more and can help you much more thoroughly.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It's a problem when some people, like the wife here, believe that they should be able to enjoy a consequence free life.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

It is NOT controlling!

You can not hope to remain married while your wife continues to have any type of relationship with any person that plotted against you and lied to you. Would it be controlling if you told your cheating wife that she could have no further contact with her lover???? 

Of course not!!

Trust NEITHER of them!!!

Stay strong and do
What is best for you!!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Whether or not the BFF helped the cheater plan her trysts, it doesn't absolve her from being the cheater's point-woman. The BFF was complicit, end of story.

It's like saying, "Well Ernie didn't exactly participate in the bank robbery, he just provided the garage to stow the getaway van in." 

OP needs to set his boundaries with his wife. His boundary should be that he will not remain in a marriage where his wife is friends with people who are enabling her deceitfulness. This is not being controlling. This is saying, "If you continue to do THIS, I will not tell you to stop, but understand that I will do THIS in order to protect myself and my well-being."


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Abe, just wanted to check in and see how you are doing?

Hope all is going as well as can be expected. 
Hang in there, stay strong, and do what is best FOR YOU and your children


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

oldtruck said:


> what was the end to that story?


She became pregnant and I think there was a divorce but I'm not sure.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm not stereotyping, Conan, I'm going on what I've observed in 68 years. No need to get surly just because we don't always agree.


You're not only stereotyping, you are stating that every married man has been goaded into going after women by his friends. 

I have not. There are many like me.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

As others have mentioned. I don't think your wife is taking you seriously. 
She would rather be friends with that piece of garbage than fix her marriage ? 

That you are being silly ? 

To me you are coming across as if you don't want to loose her and if you are coming across here like that I am sure she see's this as well. 

You will hear people say I whispered in her/his right ear. Which means I said something to that person I do not want to repeat.. 

My Ex wife after 20 years dropped me like a hot potato. She broke my ballz and treated me like a piece of sh!t when she would run out of the house to fvck her BF when I got home from work. 

The only time this all stopped is when I sat her down and quietly whispered into her ear so I can get her full attention.. She knew clearly I wasn't joking and she clearly knew she needed to get the fvck out of the house ASAP.. 

You need to do the 180 ASAP..
She needs to know you are NOT 2nd choice to anyone.. 

I cut out dozens of family members on my Ex wife side including grandparents.. Fvck them all.. Mind you I have a family of 3 my mom and my brother along with my 2 boys.. That is it.. no aunts, uncles, cousins.. 

You will hear this a millions times here.. You need to show her you can walk away at any moment.. It is a power struggle. it is a fight and test of wills.. But if she see's that she can cheat on you and then impose her will you are fvcked.. I know you don't see this because you are out ground zero here with this.. We are at the 10,000 foot mark way up above we can survey the land much better.. Again also we WERE in your shoes..


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## Crillson (Sep 20, 2020)

Abe_Fielding said:


> Merry Christmas all,
> 
> first time posting here and I intend to tell my story in another post, but there’s one little thing that has been bugging me and my wife says I’m silly to be bothered by it.
> 
> ...


Ok, so your wife´s friend cover her tracs gives you a bad taste in your mouth, whar kind of taste gives your wife cheating on you?


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Crillson said:


> Ok, so your wife´s friend cover her tracs gives you a bad taste in your mouth, whar kind of taste gives your wife cheating on you?


this post ignores the most important fact getting past an affair. the BS
never has to forgive the AP and the WS's toxic friends that encouraged
and or enabled the affair.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

AbeFielding, you say that you and your wife "are working on things". What exactly does this mean? If it means that she is remorseful and trying her best to repair this, then she should be cutting all those that are not friends of your marriage out of her life completely - on her own without being prompted too. So no, you are not wrong about your feelings and furthermore, should be asking her to cut all such "friends" completely out of your lives. Anything less from her and you should not "be working on things" with her, but rather working on divorcing her real fast! The fact that she is even questioniing this means that you are a million miles away fro reconciliation and she is not remorseful in the slightest. How did you find out about your wife's infidelity? More details about what happened would help us to help you more.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The BFF was complicit and needs to go. Full stop. Period. 

It just continually amazes me how women (even the normally wise women here on TAM) go to war for one another when they know damn good and well a gal they are sticking up for is toxic. This man's marriage should be worth more than the WW's friendship with her wingwoman. If Abe's wife doesn't feel that way, then he needs to divorce her, because she is demonstrating where her real loyalties lie, and they aren't to him.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

bandit.45 said:


> The BFF was complicit and needs to go. Full stop. Period.
> 
> It just continually amazes me how women (even the normally wise women here on TAM) go to war for one another when they know damn good and well a gal they are sticking up for is toxic. This man's marriage should be worth more than the WW's friendship with her wingwoman. If Abe's wife doesn't feel that way, then he needs to divorce her, because she is demonstrating where her real loyalties lie, and they aren't to him.


Unbelievable that any one would support a WW to maintain contact
with those in her life that supported and or enabled her PA.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

oldtruck said:


> Unbelievable that any one would support a WW to maintain contact
> with those in her life that supported and or enabled her PA.


I support WW keeping her bestest friend, and him getting the both of them out of his life. If she dense enough to be confused about why he could be bothered by the friendship, then that’s a bad bad sign of worse things to come.


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