# Asking for what you need in sex



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I would say one of the biggest breakdowns in the marriage bed today is that both husband and wife assume that the other knows what they want and need sexually. To compound the problem, rarely do we bother to instruct our partner when they aren't pushing our buttons just right. My wife and I lost years mired in an unsatisfying sex life because neither of us bothered to help the other please is better. 

I listen to a weekly pod cast called sexy marriage radio. They discuss (often in great detail) any and all topics to do with healthly sex in marriage. Below is a link to this weeks episode dealing with "asking for what you need". Happy listening. It was pretty good. 

http://sexymarriageradio.com/
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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

We talk about it all the time, and don't assume things. We are also not rigid in our expectations. Since sometimes what works before doesn't later. So we let the other know when to stop or to try something different etc.

Although I am not familiar with the podcast you mention we do sometimes listen/subscribe to a few sex podcasts.

Communication in all areas is so important for any relationship.

Thanks for the link, I shall check it out later.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I've listened to many of those other podcasts on the topic of sex, and honestly most of them turn my stomach. Probably because I'm a bit conservative with old fashion values. While sexy marriage radio is amazing in that they talk openly about just about anything. They stay strictly with in the bounds of healthy sex IN marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

This is an area I could work on, or at least keep in mind for the future.
Although we don't have any apparent problems now and my wife says she loves our love making and seems thoroughly satisfied, she is a bit more adventurous than me and will suggest something new every now and then.

Got to keep this in mind and not be selfish. Cause right now I like it just the way it is. Very Vanilla.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I would say one of the biggest breakdowns in the marriage bed today is that both husband and wife assume that the other knows what they want and need sexually. To compound the problem, rarely do we bother to instruct our partner when they aren't pushing our buttons just right. My wife and I lost years mired in an unsatisfying sex life because neither of us bothered to help the other please is better.
> 
> I listen to a weekly pod cast called sexy marriage radio. They discuss (often in great detail) any and all topics to do with healthly sex in marriage. Below is a link to this weeks episode dealing with "asking for what you need". Happy listening. It was pretty good.
> 
> ...



This is so true!

I think a woman has difficulty communicating what she wants in the beginning because she doesn't really know what it is that pushed her buttons, then she might figure it out but hesitates to share.

How do you like to have your back scratched? Where exactly is that itch and exactly how much pressure! Do you want it zeroed in on that one spot or do you want it to cover a wider area! Everyone is different in what they like best.

That being said, however, your partner might want to focus a bit on your responses and adjust accordingly. Which means you have to give clear responses when the touch is working.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We have always talked about what we want and like (or want to try, especially so when it's something new), but I am much more reticent than my wife. Partly, that's because she has always seemed to know intuitively just what I wanted when I wanted it, so I seldom had a need to ask!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon all
One key to communication is to try to never react negatively to anything your partner asks for. Its fine to say "I'm sorry but, I don't think I'd like that', but try to avoid anything along the lines of "what sort of pervert are you to want that...".

Now if the request is really horrible (say it involves children, or something), then you have an entirely different problem.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I have tried in the past to ask her what she likes, what are some fantasies, what she would like to try. I always got " I dont know". She told be a couple of months ago that sex never was important to her. Could have fooled me when we were dating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Thound said:


> I have tried in the past to ask her what she likes, what are some fantasies, what she would like to try. I always got " I dont know". She told be a couple of months ago that sex never was important to her. Could have fooled me when we were dating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife used to say the same thing. Turned out that my treatment of her had a serious negative effect on her desire for me. Now that I have my head out of my ass and I treat her like she deserves to be treated I can breath on her right and her clothes just seem to fall off. It's friggen awesome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Thound said:


> I have tried in the past to ask her what she likes, what are some fantasies, what she would like to try. I always got " I dont know". She told be a couple of months ago that sex never was important to her. Could have fooled me when we were dating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perhaps try getting her to talk when you two are in the moment? If she has "good girls don't" syndrome, the idea of admitting sex desire and fantasies may be beyond what she can do in the light of day. But when she is aroused, the lights are down and she is in the mood, her inhibitions may be down and she may give you some ideas.

If she is this way, she also may welcome you "telling" her what to do. This can take away the guilt of wanting it, as she can "blame" it on you. If you do this, make her aware that you are going to take more control, but that she does have ultimate veto power (even going so far as to give her a safe word).


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## Hacker (Jul 14, 2014)

I get the I dont know all the time. But there is no question she enjoys it.

Most of the time when I ask what she wants, I get well what do you want. And then I go for it.

no complaints from her, unless a shoot it too quickly and she doesn't get hers. Sometimes though that works to my advantage and ill get it multiple times that day.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Yes communication IS very important.
But both of you have to have an open mind and not be judgemental.

My wife has NEVER told me what she likes, has never said 'ummm...that feels good'....

I have told her how much it would mean to me for her to give me a BJ. She never has. She refuses point blank saying that its disgusting, I'M disgusting for asking.

I would have thought that a 'normal' loving wife would have compromised because of what it means to him....maybe do it with a condom...do it but not let him cum in her mouth etc.

So asking for what you need in sex is good, but it ONLY works if both are prepared to listen, take on board and act.

Otherwise, forget it.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

One also has to own and improve upon their sexuality. That is the first step to becoming a better lover to your spouse.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

askari said:


> Yes communication IS very important.
> But both of you have to have an open mind and not be judgemental.
> 
> My wife has NEVER told me what she likes, has never said 'ummm...that feels good'....
> ...


Askari, I can't imagine living like this, not over something as important as sex. It's like living with someone who is polite and nice but refuses to meet your gaze, you feel invisible and completely insignificant. When will you deliver the speech about outsourcing?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would caution that most sex problems have nothing to do with lack of communication about proper techniques.


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