# Getting custody of fiances kids and hating it



## luvee1969 (Nov 16, 2009)

My fiance and I have been together for almost 5 years. He moved in with me and my children when they were 16,12 and 9. He has been great with my kids, not real involved but they have always gotten along. Anyway he has 2 kids that are now 10 and 7 that he had almost no contact with ( because his ex would move and not let him know where they were) for our first 4 years together. Well last December we get a call from his ex's sister saying his kids were living in a drug house with there mom and that he needed to take them out, he talked her into calling CPS and they went to investigate and pulled the kids out of the home. There are also 2 younger kids that both have different dads. Anyway the younger kids are in a foster home together and he got custody of his children.This is where my problems began. Our relationship up to that point was absolutely awesome, we almost never argued because we felt comfortable being able to sit down and have a discussion about our feelings. We lived a laid back, quite very relaxing lifestyle. After his kids moved in our life has turned into constant drama and caos. I have always been a no drama kind of person and being around children that always need to have something going on to disrupt the peace is making me crazy. We have turned into a constant caos household with arguing and yelling. I am at the point now where I dont even want to look at his children much less talk to them because I am so resentful for them destroying what we had before they were here. I need help trying to figure out what to do. I know that the best thing to do is to leave so he can raise his kids without me but the thought of losing what we had before his kids came to live here hurts so much. I just want to here from people that have been in this situation and what you did and how it worked. Thank you!


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I'm sorry, but you MARRIED him knowing that he had children. He has welcomed YOUR children into the marriage,and you cannot find it within yourself to show some compassion and step up and provide an environment for HIS kids to be in that will help them to get over the crappy start they have had in life? If they are out of control, its not a big surprise, living with an addicted parent they likely saw HORRIBLE things, and were at the very least neglected by their mother, and at the very worst, could have suffered abuse from not only her, but the other addicts she paraded thru their life. You could be a REALLY big person here and figure out what the kids need, connect with the right resources (counselors, behavioral therapisits,etc) and provide a GREAT example to them for what a mother SHOULD be, not what they had in their dead beat mom, and now in a step mom who obviously does not want them around. Don't try to fool yourself either, thinking they don't realize your animosity toward them...they do, and it no doubt helps to shape their behavior since they have been with you. THEY did not destroy anything, THEY are children, and you need to step up and think about THEM, and not about how your peaceful existence has been infringed upon by a couple of kids who have not been given a fair break by an adult in their life so far.


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## jane. (Jul 10, 2009)

Sit down with your DH and set up rules (e.g. No tv after 8 pm, food allowed only in the kitchen, etc). Discuss the role you will be playing in his children's lives (e.g. An authority figure, friendly aunt-type, etc.).

These are your DH's kids. He needs to step up and parent them. He needs to make sure they are doing their chores and respecting everyone in the household. It should not fall on you (unless you two have agreed that you both have equal authority over his kids).

My situation is not as extreme as yours. We only have my step-daughter on the weekends. I used to bend over backwards for this kid. I would read to her, take her to the park, make sure she always had something to do. While DH did nothing! My resentment just grew and grew. And then one day, I just stepped back. This isn't my child. Why should I spend my time running around the park trying to get her to make friends while DH was off playing basketball? My disengaging forced DH to step up and pay attention to his child. If I didn't like how he was doing something, I just left the room, no skin off my nose.

Oh, wait. I just noticed that you guys aren't even married yet. In that case, run.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I agree with Mommybean...the kids are 10 & 7 and sounds like they've had a pretty messed up childhood up to this point. The best thing for them will be patience, love and structure...structure and discipline will not come easy for them as they seem to have lacked that with their bio mom but they are young kids...you could be a changing force in their lives if you stick with them and help them adjust to a happy, healthy home. The last thing they need is to be abandoned again.


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