# Help Me Sort Out This Craziness



## heartbroken_in_germany (Jan 4, 2011)

I feel betrayed, broken, obsessed, and unable to move on. I've dealt with normal infidelity. But this time, it seems so unreal, I can't stop thinking about what happened. I need help to sort through this mess and craziness and to get some perspective. I am so sorry for my long story...

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His name was Martin K. We met online through a travel website/forum at a time when we were both coming out of our relationships in early December 2007. We chatted a lot and New Year's Eve, he begged me to meet him in person, but I resisted because I thought it was too soon and I felt like he only wanted to spend time with me because he couldn't spend time with his ex.

We chatted a lot for several more months and mainly I asked him about his relationships and his most recent ex. Her name was Ana-Maria da Silva. And she told him that she is the daughter of the now former President of Brazil, Lula da Silva. He told me how he met her while they were both living in Munich in a club surrounded by her guards. But because of her trench fever (which he told me was contracted from some animal that was given to her and stayed in her hotel room), she decided to move back to Brazil. Apparently that was the only time they saw each other even though they made arrangements to see each other several times. He traveled all over the world for her in the five years that they were together and each time, she had excuses for why they couldn't meet. These crazy excuses were things like how she has anxiety about flying and demanded to be off the plane at the last minute where she became banned from flying certain airlines to how she used an alias in the hotel she was staying and he couldn't get to her, etc. In December 2007, after another failed meeting, he broke it off with her.

Back to my relationship with Martin. I finally agreed to meet him in March of 2008. Our second date was during Easter where we flew to Seville. I resisted having a relationship with him for so long because of my apprehension about getting serious with a German. I always intended to go back to the U.S., buy a home, raise children. And I didn't want to be "stuck" in Germany. Another reason for resisting was because I lived near Frankfurt and Martin lived in Berlin. I believe that starting a relationship long distance is always a bad idea when you are still trying to establish trust. But he convinced me by saying all the right things (like how he'd love to move to America with me) and tried everything to get me to fall in love with him. Since our Easter trip, we have spent nearly every weekend together and I was convinced that the distance was not a problem anymore. I fell in love with him quickly. Finally, I thought, I met someone kind, generous, loving, and has his life put together. Around May I thought that he was the one. 

Then our arguments started. Most of our problems dealt with his unreliability and lack of feeling any obligations. We would plan trips together and at the very last moment, he would try to cancel out of them. Canceling plans for vacation was very hard for me because I have a dog and need to make arrangements for a dogsitter, I have a job with very little vacation time benefits, and I am generally a reliable person and feel obligations when I commit to doing something, going somewhere with my friends. He never understood this.

Other problems dealt with him lying for the littlest things. I demanded absolute honesty. He would lie to me about his ex-girlfriends but he insisted on maintaining a friendship with all of them. His best friend is an ex-girlfriend from 20 years ago and I always felt uneasy about this. But once I met her, my distrust for her seemed to ease although I still felt uncomfortable because I would uncover little lies here and there.

Fast-forward to summer of 2009. He asks me to have his baby and I agreed. I went off my birth control for about 2 months and it caused more stress in our relationship because he expected us to get pregnant right away. I thought I was a modern woman and didn't feel the need to get married before having children, but somehow I was uneasy about the fact that he wanted a baby so badly. It seemed like he could commit to a baby more than he could commit to me. And then the marriage talk begins. He doesn't believe in marriage and I worry that he would feel no obligations for me if I give up my career to raise a baby. My job allows me to stay in Germany since I am an American citizen.

August 2009, we went to his nephew's wedding one weekend and the day after the wedding, he picks a fight about the most trivial thing and then breaks up with me. He tells me that he does not love me anymore. It didn't make sense because we were so in love, trying to start a family, and then all of a sudden, he tells me that his feelings disappear.

Early in 2010, he tells me that he misses me and he made a mistake and we started seeing each other again. And we go back to our old schedule of spending time with each other on weekends, and taking trips together when we could. I refrained from telling my friends and family because I wanted a commitment and for him to decide for me before I tell anyone. Meanwhile, Ana comes back into the picture to cause us more problems. He tells me that her daughter ran away and took a flight to Germany to try to meet him. Why would she do this? What is he to Ana's children? More questions and more fight and I discover more lies. The summary is:
- he never met Ana face to face (meeting in the club story was a lie)
- the children has never met him, but they had regular contact with him by phone and email (Why? It never occurred to me to ask)
- he doesn't have her address or phone number or know anything concrete about her except what she tells him. 
- in order for him to talk to her, he emails her to ask her to call if she is in Brazil. If she is in Germany, they have regular contact using the friend's phone.

He continues to receive anonymous calls where the other end of the line is silent. He breaks down thinking that Ana's going through her fevers and is dying. I couldn't stand all this drama so I asked him to cut contact with her. He reluctantly agrees.

August 2010 he finally tells me that he has decided for me. October 2010, he proposed, but I didn't take it seriously because it seemed like he proposed on a whim. This same weekend, I became pregnant and I was determined not to tell him until I knew if his proposal was serious. In November, he formally proposed, got down on his knees and although he didn't have a ring, he made promises to me about how he would be reliable for me and how he would love me forever. And the week later, I tell him about our baby. And we were so happy about the news!

Before Thanksgiving I have a miscarriage and but I repressed my sadness by concentrating on the wedding plans. He wanted no part in the wedding plans and I felt like he was not into the wedding. And we argued mostly because getting married in Germany for non-Germans is very complicated and time-consuming.

December while talking to him about how I would not like any of his ex-girlfriends to be at our wedding, we have a huge fight about this. And finally I asked him about why he is not insisting that his Brazilian ex, Ana, not be there. He finally admits that she is special to him and she would be hurt. Why would she be hurt? More lies are uncovered and finally comes clean with everything:
- he never cut off contact since he promised me.
- back in August 2009, he broke up with me to "be" with her as much as you can be with someone without being physically present.
- after another failed meeting, he gets depressed and regrets his decision
- he never told her about our relationship until 2009.
- apparently when we first met online in December 2007, he was broken up with her, but quickly started the emotional affair in 2008.
- he tells me that she has been in Germany since December 2010 where they continued the intense online/phone/email contact.
- he tells me that since August 2010, he told her that he was with me but she continued contact because she tells him that she was shown photos of Martin and I together in 2010 when he told her that he wasn't seeing me.

I feel like my 3 years with him were lies built on top of lies. The fact that Martin and Ana never met in person in 8 years has made her into his fantasy girl where he built her up in his mind. I can't compete with a fantasy. He refuses to cut her out of his life so I am left broken and alone. We never really had a real chance and it seems like all his wishy-washiness about his feelings and his inability to commit, his unreliability is because he is always thinking about her. I've spent many nights googling about her and I can't find anything about whether this girl is real. And this makes me crazier. 

How do I move past this?


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

You're still in Germany, right ?!?!

Does your job keep you there ???

Are you still with him ???


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

They've known each other online and they have NEVER met in person, even when this Ana visits Germany? She lives a total fantasy, her online persona is a fabrication, a compete lie she gets high on. That's why she's been refusing meeting him. He is so engrossed with that "ideal" this Ana presents to him that he doesn't acknowledge the truth. Plain and simple, he is an idiot (sorry), not only leading you along but also believing this Ana bullsh*t for EIGHT YEARS!

If you can, pack up and leave Germany. Go back home. There is no future with him.

And there is no Ana, daughter of da Silva!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

This was a joke in your life. Enough! Dump him! Change your phone number! Cut off all the contacts!


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## heartbroken_in_germany (Jan 4, 2011)

Thank you so much to those who have replied. I know it was such a long story so I doubted that anyone would reply.

Isn't it crazy that they have never met face to face? I don't understand this type of relationship. The fact that I can't prove who she is makes me crazy. If I could only prove that she is a fraud. I asked him if he has any proof. And he says "no". He doesn't believe that someone could lie for 8 years and also have her kids corroborate her story. He believes her because he doesn't understand how anyone could keep up this story for this long and he doesn't understand her motives for fabricating this story. He also believes that her father hates him and was investigating him and crank calling him regularly on his home phone and cell phone.

But he has given up on us and says that he does not love me anymore...he said this last August and I feel so stupid for allowing him to do this to me again. I thought we progressed in our relationship since last August and now I find out that we haven't.

I still love him and I keep thinking about how happy we were when I was pregnant and planning our future. It is much harder to let go after this than last summer when the possibility of a baby was just theoretical. 

I am looking for a job back in the states as soon as possible. I feel like this is the only way to get away from this craziness. Is it ever possible to move past this when there's no way to find out the whole truth?


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Seriously, he is a retard.

As far as proving who she is not, simple wiki search will tell you there is no Ana, daughter of former president da Silva.


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## heartbroken_in_germany (Jan 4, 2011)

Yes, I've also asked him why she can not be found on the Internet. Her explanation to him was that she and her sister are protected because her mother is/was a mistress.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Yeah, and Ana is a D cup, has a teenie tiny waist, is an ex top model.. NOT! She's been doing all this for so long because it makes her feel good about herself and because he is a sucker to believe it for so long.

Oh, and all those pictures she has sent him are probably of her cousin's (without that cousin's knowledge). Not unheard of.


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## heartbroken_in_germany (Jan 4, 2011)

He's upset that I wrote about our "private" story.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Good! Let him. Maybe he will start to think.


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