# Affair after 7 years of marriage and 2 kids, how to move forward?



## LostInMichigan (Apr 6, 2012)

So here I am a month after finding out that my husband had an affair and am still feeling so lost.

We have been married for 7 years, together for 9 years total. First marriage for both. We have 2 children together, both under the age of 3. Our marriage has been far from perfect and we have had our share of issues and haven't always been that good at resolving them. I have never strayed though, and he hasn't before this, that I know of. Our marriage was in trouble and we both knew it. It became worse when our second child was born (not his fault of course!) along with all of the added stress, some job changes in there too and another legal incident. The affair began in December of last year and continued until early March of this year. I believe it ended when I found out. He denied it at first, saying it was just an emotional affair, but then the OW confessed to me a couple of weeks later vie email and phone that it was physical and emotional. He denied it at first, but then admitted to everything. She has been to our home 3 times, they were intimate in our basement and in the car at a couple of parks near his workplace, she has held our youngest child, they went to lunch together a few times a week, sent 5000+ text messages to each other over the course of the affair, chatted online, sent emails back and forth, they called each other on the way to work, on the way home, they said they loved each other, were each other soul maters,etc....they were pretty much in non-stop contact with each other for the entire 3 months. 

Where was I you might ask...I went back to work in November, and left at the end of January. Plus having the 2 kids and trying to balance all of life's other things...family, friends, etc. It wasn't until I left work that I suspected something was going on but couldn't put my finger on it. He is pretty much a homebody and a family guy, so he never worked late, never worked on the weekends, no business trips, no "guys night out" events, so I will admit I suspected something was going on but maybe didn't want to admit it? He managed to do all of the things he did right under my nose. 

He says he loves me and wants to work it out, and that the affair is over and that he was just infatuated with her and doesn't have feelings for her any longer. I am just feeling so lost and trying to figure out what to do. I feel like the issues that we had before the affair were manageable with a little time, effort and love. But since the affair, those issues seem so minor and all I can think about when I look at him is that he was with her. The deception and the trust are my biggest issues, and that fact that he brought her into our home. If we didn't have the kids together, I would probably leave him. But I do want to at least try to work it out. I know the grass isn't greener if I were to leave him. But I also know that I deserve better than to stay with a cheater. 

The question that I have is....am I reading too much into this affair or was she just filling an empty void in his life? We have signed up with Marriage Fitness with Mort Fertel and the question that I have yet to have Mort answer is how can I make him own the affair (not the issues that lead up to the affair, I know I had a part in those) and how can he apologize so that I know that he understands how he made me feel? He keeps saying that the affair "just happened" and that he didn't have any control over it. When he apologized, he apologized for hurting me, but I don't think he truly understands HOW much he hurt me and the different ways that he hurt me. 

I am so hurt by this and fear that I might not be able to get over this. At the same time, I want to try to work through it and am still emotionally and physically attracted to him. How do I move forward? How can I get past the hurt, anger and resentment and try to move forward with our relationship?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It take TIME. No matter where your marriage goes from here, it takes TIME to heal.


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## LostInMichigan (Apr 6, 2012)

HOW much time does it take? Weeks, months, years? My counselor says it takes time and all of the books say it takes time, but I guess I want to know, how long did it take those who were able to work through it and move past it? What steps did they take to mend the relationship and at what point were you able to move forward? Am I being naive to believe that I can get over this and that our relationship can get better?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It took my fWW a year before before I desided to keep her around.

I'm still here at TAM so it looks like my pain will take alot longer to go away...right.... like it will ever go away! 

My fWW completely gave her self back to me, she dropped everything, toxic friends, GNO, her life style if you will everything except for work. My wife was and still is transparent, submisive and is very tolorant of the many triggers I have.

One thing she is not tolorant is *my* past behaviors!

She has done the heavy lifting in IC and really took alook at what caused some very dangerous behaviors.

Now about me......well thats just as complicated as my wifes infidelity issues.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

It takes time, and you will never forget it, it will always be there, but you can get past the anger, resentment, etc., and it will be like a distant bad memory. That will happen sooner if he does what you need. You have to tell him what you need. He will not be able to read your mind or guess what you want him to do. You must be very explicit and direct, don't assume he will somehow know what you want from him.

I would suggest you make him take actions to make you feel safe and secure in your marriage to him. My suggestions are this: 

He should write a "no contact" letter to the other woman in his own handwriting, stating that he is horribly ashamed of his behavior, terribly sorry that he risked his wife and family that mean everything to him, and he does not ever want her to contact him again, then let him make whatever changes you want and give it to you to mail to her. He must maintain no contact with her. If she ever tries to contact him, he must not respond and tell you about it immediately. If you find out about it before he tells you, it will set back your healing and may end your marriage.

He should give you access and passwords to all communication devices and accounts and let you know where he is at all times. He should block her on all accounts and devices. Going forward, he should not delete anything. You should delete it.

He should tell you the complete truth, answer all of your questions now, both about the affair and about any contact he has had with the other woman after you found out about the affair. You can take the truth now, but if you find out later that he lied any more, it will set back your reconciliation and you may end the marriage.

STD testing? Consider getting a post-nup that puts you in a good position financially if he ever cheats again? Anything else you need from him to help you heal? Do you need him to be more attentive to you emotionally, more affectionate, sexually? He did not get and keep the other woman by not giving her what she needed. He put a tremendous amount of time and effort into the affair. He should be willing to do the same for you. Frequent texts during the day? Spending more time alone with you? More family time? Tell him what you need.

What will you do if he starts up the affair with this other woman or if he finds a new other woman? If you are not willing to file for divorce and he knows it, he will not be afraid to cheat again.

Having a plan as to what he must do and what will happen if he doesn't do the right things will help you feel in control. The more you feel you have some control over your own destiny and are not completely dependent on him, the better you will feel and the faster you will heal.

In the meantime, work on fixing what was wrong with your marriage before the affair. Work on fixing any flaws you have also.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*how can he apologize so that I know that he understands how he made me feel? He keeps saying that the affair "just happened" and that he didn't have any control over it. When he apologized, he apologized for hurting me, but I don't think he truly understands HOW much he hurt me and the different ways that he hurt me.*

Write his apology for him and have him read it to you. Include in it statements like "I know I hurt you in this way and that way, etc." Include things like, "I know it just didn't "happen," it was a terrible choice I made, etc.," and whatever else you feel about it. Then tell him this is what you need him to feel and understand. This should open the door to a discussion and true understanding and empathy on his part.

After he really does understand how he made you feel and how much he hurt you and the different ways that he hurt you, let him write his own apology to you.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry you are here. Not a welcome place!
It takes 2-5 years to recover.

First he should go no contact with OW.

Be vigilant. Say to him you are keeping D option as one of the way out.

If he is truly remorseful and loves you, and the recovery of marriage gets quicker and progressively getting better, you have a good chance.

1. First you should read the newbies link.
2. Consult your doctor.
3. You will get a lot of anger, feeling of distrust, depression. Avoid all of them. They do no good. Rather they harm you and any possible recovery.
4. As a suggestion, refer him here.


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