# Need help!



## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

hello
( this is kind of a "repost" for me- I do apologize for doing so, but I ma feeling kind of desperate and unhappy right now, so please forgive me for doing so)
I am wondering if any guys out there can help me.
My husband of 13 years told me about 3 weeks ago that he wasn't happy anymore and hadn't been in a long time. he told me that he "didn't feel the same way about me anymore" nut that he still really cares about me. He wanted a separation. he started staying at a friends house ( a female) and he said it was just platonic- sleeping on her couch. He had to come home every morning to work on the computer for work, but would leave at the end of the day. I found out that he had started a relationship that was not platonic with this woman ( he is her boss) a few days after we separated. When I found this out, I freaked, and told him that he could either stay and try to work things out ( no guarantees) or go and be with her and risk that his employers would find out what he was doing . The choice was his. He is in the army, and they don't look to kindly on things like that, and if he was caught, it could me that he would be demoted, fined, etc., and that really frightened me, as he is the "breadwinner" in our family. I told him that I would go to the base or unit padre myself if he didn't stop seeing this girl, and try and put the best spin on it that I could- end it now before it got even more out of hand.
He told me he wanted to try and work on things, but he doesn't have "those kind of feelings for me" but he did for her ( he was telling her he loved her, etc. in an email I found).
He has told me that this other girl wasn't the real issue, but that he thought I didn't trust him, never had, and that I tried to use money to control him ( we never seem to have any). We have three kids, two of whom are autistic, and they can sometimes be a handful. He says that part of his problem is that the house isn't clean enough, things we buy get trashed or broken etc., that I don't have the kids on a "schedule' ( or myself , for that matter). He said that he used to try and help out around the house, but gave up, and that he's too tired a lot of the time to help out ( he doesn't even mow the lawn- our neighbor does or I pay a neighborhood boy to do it). He's angry that there is not more money for "spending money" ( but our children's therapy costs $150.00/hr ( before our insurance, which covers up to 80%, up to a max. of $1000.00 a year)) , and that I spend too much time volunteering at the local family resource centre, which is , in his view, non-productive.
He has made a room for himself in the basement, and I am trying to talk with him and give due consideration to the points he is trying to make and act on them as much as I can. But our 6 year old son knocked a small lamp over which melted the corner of my husbands portable dvd player which he noticed today ( I tried to tell him about it the other day, but I don't think he heard me), which led to another round of "how everything is always messy' and " everything we have gets broken, etc." and that " I am using the kids autism as an excuse for their behavior".
I still do love the guy and want things to work out, but I don't know what else to do. I have been making an extra effort to keep the house as clean as I can but it still doesn't seem to make a difference. He keeps telling me that i don't understand what he is trying to get at, but I really am trying to. He's also told me that he does have a lot of fun when we are together, but it's not the same, and that he could have gone on the way he was, but that would have been "living a lie".
Can anyone maybe give some input into what may be going on here?
Two other points of note: he is due to be deployed in November to Afghanistan, and he has also said that all of a sudden food that he used to hate now tastes good, and he can , all of a sudden, smell things he was never able to before ( that's kind of weird) . He has also started smoking a lot, which he didn't do before very much.

New Part:

It's been another long night- he slept in the basement room he made up for himself ( he's been down there about 13 hours), although he did come upstairs long enough to check his email and he did apologize for being so angry last night ( but he still seems angry). I am wondering if anyone could give some advice on what I can do next to help try and work on our relationship. My mom and dad keep telling me it's going to take time, but this waiting is , quite frankly, agony. I don't know what to do to try and reach him, and I don't want to seem like I am "invading his space". I don't know what to think anymore. He is in barracks for a course, but he has either come home or called every night so far ( which he didn't have to do), and he came home this weekend. I do try and talk to him when he is home, but I don't want everything to be so tense all the time, and when we do talk, sometimes it's really good, but other times he just seems so angry and kind of mean ( so far, he told me that my hair looks bad, my clothes are bad ( I have lost 20lbs since this whole thing started, so they are kind of "hanging off" me right now) I need to have a schedule, our kids need a schedule, etc. ( as outlined in the first part of this post) . I try and let him get all his issues out without being hurt by what he says, but it does hurt ( he says that why he let these feelings build up for so long- he didn't want to hurt me by telling me about them). He does seem to enjoy having sex ( that's nothing new) , and when I told him that right now, I feel ind of bad afterwords, as I view it as a way to have a loving "connection' with someone, he said he understood. He keeps telling me that he is afraid that we won't be able to fix things, and maybe I am being stubborn, but I think we can, if we both try. Maybe he is trying in ways I don't see, I don't know. When we were talking the other day, I told him that sometimes it seems as if I am the only one trying, and he told me I was being manipulative when I said that, which I don't think is a fair thing to say. He also asked me if he had to tell people at work we are separated- I told him no.
I am sorry for this post being so long and kind of whiny sounding, but I really do feel very lost and alone right now, and am hoping maybe someone out there can understand where I am comming from and offer some good advice on what to do. Any advice would be welcomed, and I thank you for taking the time to read all this.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

his female friend is a plantonic friend ???

oh yeah right.
I really hope you don't believe that.

If it were me, no way I'd be having sex with him after he tells me he wants a seperation. Seperation means seperate.


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

We have stopped. It just felt so wrong .
We have an appointment next week to go and see a counselor- I hope it goes well. He has been staying in his room in the basement, but we did all go to the beach yesterday, and things are a lot less tense than they were. We have talked a lot, and hopefully that is a good sign. He still doesn't understand that his friendship with that girl was a type of " emotional affair", and that he was taking our problems to her to talk about, instead of talking to me about them. He has said that he sees her at work, and that he still thinks that they can be just "good friends"- I hope that he is right, but I don't know.


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

Another odd development-
we talked some more, and he told me how he still loved me but wasn't ' in love with me", and that I felt more like his best friend than anything else. He said he was really afraid that wouldn't change, so it made for a sad day for me yesterday. He left his alrm clock in barracks, but wanted to stay at the house last night, so he asked if I'd rather him use my alrm clock downstairs in "his" room, or have him sleep upstairs with me. i told him that whatever he felt like was fine with me. He decided to sleep upstairs with me, and when we whent to bed, he said how "weird" it felt, and I kind of sighed. He asked me if I wanted a hug, and I said yes. We ended up falling asleep cuddled up together, and when he woke up once or twice during the night, he stayed cuddled up. I tried to be careful and let him initiate things, and I don't know if this meant anything or not. I know I shouldn't read too much into it, but it's kind of hard not to be hopeful. He left really early this morning while I was still asleep ( he had to be at work for 5:30) . He is supposed to either call tonight or try and come home, but I'll have to wait and see. I guess it's better to wait and see if he brings up last night or not, as I don't want to ask him a question he isn't ready to answer- I figure if he wants to talk about it, he will.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

frozensprouts said:


> Another odd development-
> we talked some more, and he told me how he still loved me but wasn't ' in love with me".


OHHHH NO ! thats bad.
so sorry


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

HE is HER boss?

Good Lord. *Your DH is going to get himself demoted (busted) and then his pay will be lowered*.

Tell him to get a brain.


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

I have tried to get it through to him that he could get into so much trouble, but he doesn't seem to get it. He told her that she had to stop emailing, sending him private messages on Facebook, etc., but she is still doing it ( one started with "I have a confession to make"). He thinks that she is just some nice person who got caught up in something, and doesn't see how dangerous she is. He isn't ready to see that yet.


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## Questioning (Aug 5, 2009)

At least you're going to councelling next week. It sounds like both of you have kept a lot of feelings bottled up over the years and now they're all pouring out at once. It sounds like he feels like a stranger in his own home.
My husband and I have been together 14 years. We started episodes like this after about seven years of marriage - nothing this dramatic but almost. Ours have been in smaller doses over time.

Communication is the solution. Making an appointment with a professional is the best thing you can do right now. Be patient, and try to stay conscious of how YOU are feeling and what is motivating YOU right now. He obviously has a lot of issues he will need to work through and you can only be so strong. Hang in there.


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

this is just so hard. He called about two hours ago to say that he would be home for the night tonight, but he showed up about an hour after that, telling me that he had just long enough to eat and take a shower before he had to go back to the barracks. So I made him something to eat ( which he said he appreciated), but was here and gone in less than half an hour. He said he won't be back tonight, as he has too much work to do, but should be back tomorrow night. 
I am trying to be patient, but this is just killing me. Anyone I have talked to about this ( he doesn't like me to talk to my parents, friends, etc. about it) says that marriages go through times like this, and it just takes patience and work to make things right. But I feel like I am the only one doing anything, and part of me thinks that he views giving up the "relationship" that he had with that other woman as part of the "work" that he has done ( or is doing). I don't know. 
One thing that a friend advised me was to have just the two of us do something together. I think that would be nice, but when I asked him about it, all he keeps saying is " I don't know how that will change anything" or " it's not like I don't have fun when we do things together, but it just doesn't feel like it should". 
I am starting to feel like I am really going nuts here. It seems like no matter what I do, how much I try and talk with him, or how much I try to " make things right", he shoots me down. Hearing things like " I know you are trying, but it isn't going to change anything" are really starting to get to me. I know I have to be pateint, and it has only been about two weeks since we both agreed to work on things, but I still feel so lost. I have no family here, but I have been on the phone with them a lot. 
Has anyone ever heard of a situation like this working out, or am I just wasting my time?


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

When he went to leave tonight to go back to barracks, I joking asked him" do I at least get a hug?", and he gave me one, but it was as if he had been asked to do something he hated, it seemed that hard for him.
I have to wonder if I am totaly wasting my time.


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

one more post from me before I totally dissolve into a wailing pool of self pity ( my kids are all outside , so I can afford the luxury of a good sob or two). Part of me really wishes that he could see and know and feel the pain he is causing me right now. I feel like I am in agony, and he seems to not care. How is it that one person can do this to someone else, especially when they say that they really care about the other person and don't want to see them hurt.
Sorry for dumping on you all, a bunch of strangers, but I feel so horrible right now I can't stand it. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am, how I am handling this all so well, how I am doing great holding things together for my kids, but if the only knew how weak and sad I feel right now, they wouldn't be saying that at all.


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