# Steamingly angry!!



## FlutterbyWishes (Nov 17, 2010)

Hi there; I am fuming and need to vent. 

My husband has his own business and I work full time but we are still under a lot of financial pressure, which he tends to take out on me, by not including me in the issues, becoming cold and withdrawn and (maybe even unintentionally but doesn't change the fact that it makes you feel lik [email protected]) getting verbally abusive. This morning I get a call from one of his clients asking when he will be completing the treatment of their lawn and he's not answering his phone. When I phoned him to let him know, he screamed at me, told me he knows what he's doing with his clients and if he doesn't answer his phone, it's because he is busy and then the punchline "Just leave me alone!!" and slams the phone down! 

_I_ pay for the car every month (which HE uses), _I_ pay for a portion of HIS bills out of MY salary (he says I am helping him) but he can barely afford to pay me back so instead of saying 'you owe me money" every month, I burn holes in my stomach lining instead. 

I am not some piece of sh!t that he can talk to me like that and if he wants to apologise to me later I am just going to brush him off -LEAVE ME ALONE. Yes, I know, hardly constructive but I am full of green bile and hatred right now. His apologies are as shallow as his forehead and I will not be treated like sh!t by someone who is not even entirely responsible for the bills. He makes me sick. It is at times like this that I want to scream I DIVORCE YOU I DIVORCE YOU I DIVORCE YOU. What makes us stick around and try to make things work with selfish, immature, cruel, verbally abusive excuses for men? Because we love them? Oh please, I am so over this [email protected] Any ideas how to handle this? He is NOT the sort for a mature discussion on anything. His opinion is the one that counts and when I don't feel listened to (most of the time) I get angry. A little bit stuck right now. Thanks for reading.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

You want to be with this guy, why, exactly?


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## FlutterbyWishes (Nov 17, 2010)

I used to know why. I dont any more.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

FlutterbyWishes said:


> H
> My husband has his own business and I work full time but we are still under a lot of financial pressure, which he tends to take out on me, by not including me in the issues, becoming cold and withdrawn and (maybe even unintentionally but doesn't change the fact that it makes you feel lik [email protected]) getting verbally abusive. This morning I get a call from one of his clients asking when he will be completing the treatment of their lawn and he's not answering his phone. When I phoned him to let him know, he screamed at me, told me he knows what he's doing with his clients and if he doesn't answer his phone, it's because he is busy and then the punchline "Just leave me alone!!" and slams the phone down!


I am not justifying your husbands behaviour, but I have some understanding of where he is coming from. You need to view his anger with you as defence (British spelling) rather than an attack. 

Men are conditioned to believe that they should be the breadwinners. No matter how modern we think we are we still have this need to be the provider. When that is not working, that is when we feel like we are failing, we take it out on our spouse. We percieve attempts to help as criticism. 

Hard as it might be your best way forward with your husband would be to stroke his ego, in a credible way. Don't rub his nose in the fact that he is financially dependent on you as this will make things worse and could destroy your marriage. In short make him feel like a man.


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## FlutterbyWishes (Nov 17, 2010)

@ Jamesa

Thanks for your response. It does make sense when you put it like that. However, it DOES NOT justify his behaviour and this week, I have been subjected to the following:

- being told ‘it’s not you, so don’t take it personally or else you’ll make it worse’, (WTF is that?) 
- giving me the silent treatment again (for god knows what – it solves NOTHING – he has made it worse)
- telling me to ‘leave him alone’ and not to contact him during the day anymore (HUGE red flag imo, is he seeing someone else? - would make sense, if he is not able to look after me financially it would be much easier to look after another woman between her legs - AND get him away from thinking about his money situation) 
- shutting me out completely, etc.

I am closing down emotionally. Everything we have been through, this is too much for me to handle. And I find myself 'mirroring' his behaviour to protect myself. Doesnt he see the damage he's causing?


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

FlutterbyWishes said:


> @ Jamesa
> 
> Thanks for your response. It does make sense when you put it like that. However, it DOES NOT justify his behaviour and this week, I have been subjected to the following:
> 
> ...


Okay, so you weren't kidding when you said you were angry. He needs to deal with his self-esteem issues or he _is_ going to destroy the marriage. Sounds like some counselling might be in order. Are you in the UK? If so you could try Relate. Their books are excellent.


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## FlutterbyWishes (Nov 17, 2010)

LOL, did it come across that intensely? Sorry, didnt mean to burn your page! No, not joking and yes, he does have self esteem issues, but he is so good at hiding them its scary. And he will NEVER admit to it. If there WAS the slightest chance that he would admit to a problem, I would **** it up in my approach. Like I said, after a week of the silent treatment, I am liable to explode if given the slightest opportunity to do so. Any suggestions?


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Walk around naked until he asked you WTF you are doing, then ignore him.


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## FlutterbyWishes (Nov 17, 2010)

I would, but we have a house guest at the moment. LOL, I can just imagine his face. He is the shyest most self effacing man I have ever met. He might die of shock if he caught a glimpse of me in the altogether. And next thing I have my husband accusing me of adultery (again). 

sigh... next suggestion?


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

After you calm down, make a list pros vs. cons on your husband. What are you getting out of the marriage vs. what you are giving. Then decide if you want to be with this man.


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