# This is for YOU, who are in pain and suffering



## eyesopen (Mar 16, 2012)

This is a post I want to write. I want to write it for you, who are in pain, suffering, going through what ever it is your personal and particular situation had brought about. 
Firstly from this place of insecurity, vulnerability and pain, I want to tell you that I feel for you. My heart is filled with empathy for you, who ever you are. Please accept my virtual embrace. You are not alone.

I want you to know that everything will be OK. I want you to know that life has brought you to this juncture for a reason and there is a lesson to be learned. You may not know it now, you may not feel it now, and you may think this is a load of crap and you don't buy in to this way of thinking. Still, I want you to know that it is true. There is a reason and a purpose for everything.

I know that this is probably one of the most, if not the most, difficult and trying times of your life. I know because I am there also, and it is not over yet. But it has been several months now, and a remarkable thing seems to be happening - I am feeling and getting better. Not on all days. Some days are better and some much worse. But yes, generally better. I know that what ever the outcome, it will be fine. I will be fine. In fact, everyone will be fine. Trust in the grand plan of universe. Trust in life.

I want you to know that at the end of the day, the only person you can and should accept responsibility for is you. You are not able to change anyone else or influence them (and it is my personal view that you should not even try, for both your sake and theirs). You need to get up, dust yourself off, and get going again. Yes, with the pain. Yes, with the sorrow. And with so many other feelings which you have. Do not deny them. Do not suppress them. Feel them. Face them. But do not give in to them. Keep going.

You much look after your own well being. You must heal yourself. You must put a spotlight on yourself, see clearly where you have gone or done wrong, and set a course to correct this. Whether it is looking after your body (exercise, get in shape), re-evaluating your career and life choices, and also, getting support and help (and this is critical, please seek help). You must do it for YOU.

If, during this process, whether in months or years, your previous partner notices these changes in you and is again drawn to you, there may be the possibility of reconciliation. But it is only if you let go, with compassion, and do these things for YOURSELF and no one else.

You should try as much as possible to see your previous partner with compassion. Realize that they too are hurting. It does not matter who started it or who's "fault" it is. In fact, both of you share equal responsibility. One of you may have been the direct catalyst (as I have been), but you have both contributed to the situation. Assigning blame does not help, and neither does quantifying it. Accept that they are hurting, even if it does not show, and be compassionate. 

Once again, you must own and take responsibility for yourself. You must bring compassion to yourself also, and forgive yourself. You must hold yourself in loving-kindness and if possible, your previous partner also.

If you have children, look to their best interest. By far the most significant thing you can do for them is to provide them with two loving, stable and communicative parents. You may no longer be a couple, but you will always be parents. You are bound by destiny and in so many ways to and through your children, and they need you. Find the strength and courage to have a proper, honorable and amicable relationship with your previous partner, for the sake of your children.

Once again, I want you to know that through the turmoil you are in now, with all the anger, fear, doubt, confusion you feel, everything will be OK. You *will* get through this and you *will* be a better person for your ordeal.

Smile. Wipe your tears if you need to. But smile. Life will smile back at you.

I send you strength and love.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

eyesopen said:


> If, during this process, whether in months or years,* your previous partner notices these changes in you and is again drawn to you, there may be the possibility of reconciliation.** But it is only if you let go, with compassion*, and do these things for YOURSELF and no one else.
> 
> You should try as much as possible to see your previous partner with compassion. Realize that they too are hurting. *It does not matter who started it or who's "fault" it is. In fact, both of you share equal responsibility.* One of you may have been the direct catalyst (as I have been), but you have both contributed to the situation.* Assigning blame does not help,* and neither does quantifying it. Accept that they are hurting, even if it does not show, and be compassionate.
> 
> .


I don't necessarily agree with the bolded statements.... there are times the BS is innocent.... We should change ourselves to be more attractive for the cheater, so "they" will want to R with us? We should just "let it go" (with compassion)? 

Maybe I'm still in the "hurt" too much still, but don't find this very helpful.

Unless I'm misunderstanding those comments.....


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I don't necessarily agree with the bolded statements....
> Unless I'm misunderstanding those comments.....


You ARE misunderstanding them.

You will understand in time.


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## IrocTransam (Aug 29, 2012)

I agree and understand the post. I am new on here but separated for almost a year now. Ups and downs, some good days some days you just think wayyyy to much and get worse.
It will get better, you just gotta believe they will regardless if you and you spouse get back together. There is always hope but also reality must set in(for me I am still on the fence).
Don't change yourself but make yourself better for YOU not them. If they want you again, or if you want them again, then it will happen if it is in the plans. 
It's hard to remain positive but you must or you will be eaten up by it all. I am still having a hard time dealing with my separation from my wife but I gotta remain positive for life could be much worse. 
1st post...haha.


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## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

IrocTransam said:


> I agree and understand the post. I am new on here but separated for almost a year now. Ups and downs, some good days some days you just think wayyyy to much and get worse.
> It will get better, you just gotta believe they will regardless if you and you spouse get back together. There is always hope but also reality must set in(for me I am still on the fence).
> Don't change yourself but make yourself better for YOU not them. If they want you again, or if you want them again, then it will happen if it is in the plans.
> It's hard to remain positive but you must or you will be eaten up by it all. I am still having a hard time dealing with my separation from my wife but I gotta remain positive for life could be much worse.
> 1st post...haha.


Great post OP. I have to agree that time heals, not completely, but heals enough to move forward for yourself, and for your kids (if there is any). I am the BS, 18 months from d day and currently going through a divorce. The memories, hurtful memories/emotions sometimes creep back but keeping busy and staying positive is key.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

I have talked to several psychologists, and they agree that it is not true that, in every case, each partner contributed 50% to the difficulties in the marriage. In quite a number of cases, the balance is very tilted in toward one of the spouses.

This is not to say that one should place all blame on the other person and never take a clear look at him or herself.

But the 50:50 thing? Myth.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

And in those cases where it isn't 50/50, that person enabled the offending behavior and put up with too much. Hence you are back to 50/50. I know of no one who didn't let an offending spouse run over them even just a little or enable thier co-dependency. I think the psychologists are just telling you what you want to hear, because you won't listen to anything else.


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

I have to agree. i'm being blamed for our marraige melt down coz i treated her bad and shouted too much, the thing is - she never told me how she felt or i was doing anything wrong - if she had i would have sorted


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

36Separated said:


> I have to agree. i'm being blamed for our marraige melt down coz i treated her bad and shouted too much, the thing is - she never told me how she felt or i was doing anything wrong - if she had i would have sorted


You treated her bad and shouted and she is supposed to tell you that is not the way to treat someone? I am not trying to name call, but my elementary-age child knows that's not the way to treat other people. Sorry, but I don't see that as enabling.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Gearhead, you know nothing about me or what I am capable of listening to. Sheesh...


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

solitudeseeker said:


> Gearhead, you know nothing about me or what I am capable of listening to. Sheesh...


I guess none of those "several psychologists" you spoke to taught you to think twice about getting defensive for no reason ha?!

gearhead was stating the truth. Most counselors feed people what they want to hear because if they don't, people don't come back and the money supply shrinks.


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## cpworld (Jul 31, 2012)

Thanks for the post. I am trying to live it. 5 weeks since I learned about my wife's affair / desire to separate and I am already feeling better, most days. Talking to friends, Working the 180 list, reading, seeing a therapist and lots of exercise. Taking care of myself!


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