# Who's in the wrong here?



## TSizzle (Nov 2, 2014)

So my wife told me about this party she was to attend tonight some time ago, and even though I don't like her friend (and I wasn't invited), I decided to let her go and cut loose since it had been a while for her. We have two dogs, and that's essentially the present day premise of the situation.

Now the backstory as to why I adamantly dislike the friend, is that my wife has a drinking problem. She drinks often, and when she has one drink too many, she can get dangerously drunk (passing out, not remembering the night before, etc.), and I simply do not trust her or anyone when she is in that state. The friend is also an alcoholic, though since I've never even met her, I couldn't honestly tell you her rate of consumption. I do know that when these two get together though, regardless of the time of day, it's hard liquor no matter what. They can't get together on a random Sunday morning without first discussing whether they're going to stick to beer or vodka. As much as I struggle to encourage my wife to drink less, and to feel better about herself (which works from time to time), this friend will undo everything in one heavy sitting. 

Another reason I dislike the friend is that she's constantly single, and tends to bait my wife on outings to find herself a guy for the night (my wife is very attractive, the friend is ****ing WOOF). Not that my wife is the type to entertain another guy or anything, the friend makes absolutely no effort to chase a guy off because my wife is obviously married, and she's just using her for a gig on the guise that my wife "is a grown woman that can make her own decisions". Bull****, it's not getting a tattoo or disregarding drinking and driving, it's being a good friend that respects your friends relationship. That's just the way I see it. If I have a good, married friend, I'm not going to let him/her **** around or be put in a situation (especially for my gain) to where someone can get the wrong idea, because it's wrong. If we're not good friends, then who the **** am I? But otherwise, I'll stand up for what's right, and I just find this friend to be an inherently bad person. We've never met, she hated our relationship, she boycotted our engagement, she boycotted our marriage, and now she's back in the mix of things because I guess she's out of options when it comes to driving us apart.

So back to the party, of course I wasn't invited, and that was fine. Since I've never been to the friends house (or that area, for that matter), I can only take my wife's word that the path is long and treacherous. My wife is literally the worse driver of all time even when sober, so her driving with a few drinks is a no-go. Her solution? Spend the night. She was at her friends house a few weeks ago, where she met some new people, and my wife is the type of naive idiot that tends to believe in the good in people upon first meeting. I don't know them, she barely knows them, but somehow she's managed to put me in a position to blindly trust these strangers to not **** my wife as she's passed the **** out drunk on the couch (because she wouldn't have a room to herself). My compromise? I drop her off, go and hang out with some friends, come home and take care of the dogs, and await her call for me to pick her up whenever the party is over. But no, first she has to ask her friend for permission for me to do this, and that's when I knew this was going to get difficult. The friend agreed partially, and she proposed that I drop her off at the mall, and pick her up from the mall after the party.

So back to these "long and treacherous" roads, and the fact that these people drink to get ****ing WASTED, it's somehow a good idea to go and let someone I don't know drive my wife drunk back to me? And what the **** at keeping her residence a secret, like I couldn't find out where she lives anyway? Or like I'm going to hire some kill squad to come raid the place, or do it myself (when my wife knows I don't even have a gun)? I've never laid a finger on her, so this predicament is based on bull****, and not actual merit. So of course, my wife makes me out to be the *******, ignoring that I feel like her friend put me in an impossible situation, where my choices are A.) Let my wife stay passed out drunk among a bunch of people I don't know, with her pay no mind ass or B.) Let someone deliver my wife to me drunk, behind the wheel. So in turn, my wife starts throwing the biggest ***** fit in her life, and sees me as this controlling *******, when I feel like I was willing to compromise a visit with her ****ty friend in exchange for her safety. How many married people spend nights apart at parties when they live in the same city? How many people are completely oblivious to the whereabouts of their spouses overnight? I feel like as her husband, I'm entitled to these details at the very least, but I'm supposed to trust everyone on the planet because my wife sees the world through the same eyes as Forrest ****ing Gump.

I was willing to play ball for a while there, even made plans to keep me occupied, and let her cut loose for a little bit. But no, it's bull**** upon bull****, and I was expected to stay at home with the ****ing dogs while she may or may not be getting ****ed in her sleep by some ******* that I don't know, and she'd never know. **** that ****. I only wonder instead of having dogs, and we had kids instead, that I'd be in this same situation a few years from now.

I mean really, if I was being out of line, unfair, or if my compromise was ****ty, let me know. Because although I feel that I'm in the right, everyone's making me feel like I'm the biggest ******* on the planet.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

well, i can tell your quite pissed. 

and, it seems that you dont think very highly of your wife... 


but beyond that, if you have never met this friend, how do you know its a woman? 

and no, your expectations were fine. you actually were willing to compromise more than i would. but i have no idea how you delivered them. if you delivered them in the same tone as your post, she probably didnt even hear a single word you said. instead she would have heard:
****! that ******* is ****ing **** my ***** and you *****!!!! etc etc etc. 

but yea, toxic friend needs to go. and please tell me that you know for a fact that its a woman. because if it isnt, she is probably cheating on you.


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

^^^^^^ yep i agree...


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## TSizzle (Nov 2, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> well, i can tell your quite pissed.
> 
> and, it seems that you dont think very highly of your wife...
> 
> ...


It's not that I don't think highly of her, I just call things as I see them. The sad part is, with her drinking and the fact that she's the biggest pushover in the world, she has either date rape or missing white woman written all over her. I mean, to give you an idea on the drinking, I went to my parents tonight, and she stayed at home rage drinking because she didn't go to her friends after all. I came home at 11, she was passed out on the couch, the dogs were loose, and there was poop and multiple puddles of pee all over the place. By herself, and this happens often. It's a very nice apartment that we live in, and yet it's been destroyed by this behavior since she neglects the dogs of their walks because she's passed out drunk.

I'm practically anonymous here, so I'll be candid in one of my worst memories being one time when we were being intimate, she passed out on me during intercourse. It wasn't until a few minutes later when I suggested a change that I realized she was completely out of it, and I felt entirely disgusted with myself because though it started off consensual, I felt like I was doing something I shouldn't have because I underestimated the amount she had to drink. The next morning? While I can barely look at myself in the mirror feeling like a degenerate rapist, she had no recollection of the event whatsoever. I knew then that I could've been anyone, and that anyone else would not have stopped. 

Those are the reasons I have reservations about letting her stay the night with anyone that I can't trust, and the circle isn't very large. I had NO problem sending her to Vegas with her family, because her cousins _volunteered_ to take care of her no matter what, without me requesting so. The friend? She could walk in on some guy pounding away at my corpse bride, and she would be liable to simply let it happen.

That she's a real person and exists, I know that to be true. We've spoken on the phone once (before she hated me), and she's active on Facebook to confirm what it is that my wife claims inadvertently. But their friendship is extremely weird, alcoholism aside, in which they're eskimo sisters 3 times (at least), and all of my wife's exes are somehow connected to this friend (who in turn, has remained friends with them all). So it's strange, intertwined, and just overly... I don't know... gross. 

In terms of how I delivered the compromise, I was actually quite honest: "I'm uncomfortable with your drinking, I don't know these people, and neither do you. I'd be more comfortable dropping you off and picking you up at whatever time you want, and that will be that. We're married, you shouldn't be sharing a couch with a bunch of dogs (literally, the friend's dogs) when you have a home."

She then called her friend, and gave me their crackpot idea. When I said "**** that", she told me that it was for her own protection, so that she could have a safe haven. Except when we have it out, the friend's door is the first one to close (because there's no room for my wife and her 2 dogs since the friend has 4 of her own). Not that I've ever kicked her out or anything, but you know. Options, and this one isn't one of them. So safe haven my ass. 

The big byword here is "insecure", which is my wife's favorite word all of a sudden when insulting me. It's not so much that I'm some beta male threatened by Chad Thunder**** stealing my wife from my wimpy ass, but more like that I know my wife gets black out drunk, and I don't trust her, her friend, or the strangers in which she would've been with overnight. It's not an insecurity, it's me being the only person that gives a damn about her safety and whatever little integrity she has because she's a pushover. How big of a pushover? When your unemployed friends say they're buying beer and cigarettes as they pluck your debit card out of your purse in front of your face, and you don't say a word, you're a pushover.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Man, you are some guy to allow that. Man to man, I would never allow my girl to do anything like this whole situation that is upon you. It is easier said than done, but I would tell her to not come back home ever again if she chooses to get completely wasted around strangers without me around. 

There are girls nights out and having fun with your friends but there is not college frat/sorority party--wife style situations that should be allowed. There are tons of red flags. A lot of us have been passed out drunk around strangers before but by complete accident; never was it planned. She needs to drop this toxic friend and seek help for herself or leave. 

If potentially getting raped if she not already is having consensual sex with a guy there anyways is more important than hanging out with you and the dogs.. then that is just sad. Personally, I would have shown up at the party and if she flipped out and made me out to be a complete as*wad for doing so, I would file for divorce easily. ESPECIALLY WITH NO KIDS YET. Remember those words. NO KIDS YET.


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## TSizzle (Nov 2, 2014)

wise said:


> Man, you are some guy to allow that. Man to man, I would never allow my girl to do anything like this whole situation that is upon you. It is easier said than done, but I would tell her to not come back home ever again if she chooses to get completely wasted around strangers without me around.
> 
> There are girls nights out and having fun with your friends but there is not college frat/sorority party--wife style situations that should be allowed. There are tons of red flags. A lot of us have been passed out drunk around strangers before but by complete accident; never was it planned. She needs to drop this toxic friend and seek help for herself or leave.
> 
> If potentially getting raped if she not already is having consensual sex with a guy there anyways is more important than hanging out with you and the dogs.. then that is just sad. Personally, I would have shown up at the party and if she flipped out and made me out to be a complete as*wad for doing so, I would file for divorce easily. ESPECIALLY WITH NO KIDS YET. Remember those words. NO KIDS YET.


Believe me, I know. You'd think that we'd be in our early 20's, but we're in our 30's. My life itself has been evolving constantly, from my teenage tantrums, to partying and figuring myself out in college, to living the single bachelor life, and now being married. Things don't roll over for me, and I don't put us in any situations that I would be at liberty to do when I was single. I don't wingman, I don't do clubs or trendy bars, and guy's night involves playing video games, having a few drinks, and watching sports. There's no "exclusive poker night" that's code word for going to the strip club, it's always sports, video games, and hole in the wall dive bars, at most. There's no spending the night anywhere, I don't travel without the wife, and I don't put myself in situations where I'd make her uncomfortable (like being in the same place as an ex, or chatting it up with my could've/should've been girls). I've checked out, and I've been devoted ever since. I know women have a different dynamic, so that's to be expected, except she's not even the going out dancing/dive bar/spa day type. It's just always more like "making up for the youth we didn't have", since the friend was a young mom, and my wife only did college for a year.

The party life is way past me, and nowadays, I seldom drink. I'd be hard pressed to have a drink while the sun is out, since I hate being drunk for long hours, and even worse, sobering up in the same waking day. Being married to a legit alcoholic has been enough trouble, and now I have a hive mentality to deal with whenever she gets in a frenzy with her friend on some half assed plan.

She woke up a few minutes ago, and after being otherwise pleasant at first, she berated me for missing the party, called me insecure, creepy (because I felt I should know where she was at), and psycho. As far as the friend goes, she's literally willing to die for this friend. I know that I don't come first, and she's practically severed ties with my mom when my mom spoke negatively about the friend. My mom's involvement wasn't because I said anything, but rather because the friend made threatening posts about me on Facebook when my wife was pissed off at me one day. I just thoroughly dislike the friend, especially on the grounds that she'd re-open old wounds by giving my wife (girlfriend at the time) constant updates on her ex. It's been toxic as all hell, but my wife doesn't see the friend that way. She sees her as her rock, despite that I've been the one that's stuck through thick and thin trying to make this work. I'm just fresh out of ideas, I can't win in a compromise, and no matter what, I'm being a ****. It's really only a matter of time, and it sucks being in a marriage where I spend all my time waiting for the other shoe to drop.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I think you have your priorities backward. 

Why are you focusing like a laser beam on this toxic friend who you haven't even met? That's just a distraction. And you are trying to argue with an alcoholic, but that never works. You can't reason with them. 

*The real issue here is alcohol addiction*. Not only does she run a risk of being date-raped by some random guy, she runs an even more serious risk of drunk driving and killing someone, even herself. 

I grew up with an alcoholic mother and there's no way I would ever remain married to someone like that. I recommend you give her an ultimatum and insist she get treatment for alcohol addiction, or you walk out. Basically, she should make a choice between you or the alcohol. Then you will find out where her priorities lie.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Don't you think it is now time for her to either grow up or you to leave this relationship as fast as possible. Its not just the drinking, but also the siding with her toxic friend, and, worst of all, the blatant *disrespect* for you.

There is no way that she is in love with you while showing you this much disrespect. If you do not do anything about this, prepare for the ILYBNILWY speech followed by you finding that she has another guy lined up to replace you.

It might be time to end this relationship - how would that sit with you ?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe the problem is that your wife is a raging binge alcoholic and her toxic friend is her enabler.

Time for her to grow the f*ck up and take a look at who she really is.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

do you want to spend the rest of your life living with this nonsense? because unless she gets sober asap, you've got years of this sh1t to look forward to. 
like others have said, her drinking is the problem and sorry to say it but you enable it. have a serious talk with her about stopping before it destroys her and/or your marriage. 
and have her watch this
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00M5PAO7C/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1414933258&sr=1-1&pi=SY200_QL40

good luck.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

So much clusters of fvck in your situation OP.

Getting sloshed and neglecting the dogs so they urinate and defecate all over your house is bad enough. Be glad that those aren't instead a couple of your children being neglected in favour of alcohol.

The friend is definitely toxic to your marriage. My spouse had a friend, who no fault of their own, he turned toxic to our relationship. My spouse's years of lying and badmouthing about me had left that friend with a pretty low opinion and lack of respect for me and such was getting mirrored and parrotted back to my spouse. I could not blame the friend for that but at the same time, he could not constantly be in my spouse's ear anymore, saying negative things about me (someone he didn't even know outside of those lies my spouse fed him) all the time. When we got back together after a separation, I hated to do it but that friend had to go. It was him or me. It sounds like your wife badmouths you to this friend which only provides wife with further re-enforcement or justification to continue acting badly towards you. That's a dynamic that will have to end. Either wife sets the record straight with the friend and sets limits and boundaries around your marriage with that friend with you or they can't be friends... or wife can have her nasty friend but not her husband.

The boundary you asked for your wife to have with this party was more than reasonable. It's not creepy or controlling of you to not want her to be blacked out drunk in a house somewhere with strange men she doesn't know. Her friend and her "concession" about this boundary was just bizarre in my opinion. A true friend whether a friend only of your wifes or of yours should be friendly to the marriage. This woman is not. 

Finally, as others have said, the alcoholism is the biggest issue here. Whether she's regularly imbibing or just binge-drinking when she does, it's obvious that alcohol is causing a problem for her and not something she can use in moderation. Like I said before, that she neglected the dogs was bad enough. She needs to quit drinking and get into recovery full stop. This is not the kind of behaviour I would tolerate from a spouse and definitely not the kind of behaviour I would tolerate from someone that I planned on having children with. Time for wifey to grow up or get out.


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## TSizzle (Nov 2, 2014)

The problem that I'm having with the drinking, aside for the act and consequences of it, is that I find myself entirely alone in this battle. Her parents play a blind eye to it, when anyone in the world can see that she has a drinking problem. Like last year for New Years, she was already blacked out shortly after midnight, while everyone was simply having a good time. It's not so much a problem in mass consumption, it's just that she's by all definition a lightweight with a damning reaction once it takes hold. It's definitely not normal, and it's dangerous for her on many levels. In her defense, she does not drive, but she also leaves herself wide open for other things. Yes, she's my responsibility because she's my wife, but I find myself without support from everyone that pretends that there isn't a problem, when anyone else can see it in no time. I don't even bring my friends around anymore because it embarrasses me that she's always over the edge.

Her friend just has a bug up her ass about me, because I'm otherwise squeaky clean in comparison to the other guys my wife used to date. From Day 1 she had reservations about me, and would warn her of the perils of getting with a successful guy and such out of personal experience. The phrase that "misery loves company" applies here so much, because it's like the friend would much rather see her try and fail at relationships, so that they can bond over that ****, instead of being happy for her that she's found someone stable. Just that she would even bring up that her home is a safe haven is insulting, because if it's not a cheap excuse, it's probably based on some psycho that one of them used to date. Naturally my wife probably goes to her with some of our problems, but this woman made up her mind about me a long time ago because I wasn't "one of them" (alcoholic with a Peter Pan complex).

And that's where I sit. Today, she's been a little nicer to me, but she did express that her friend is extremely pissed off at her and such, I only wonder if my wife threw me under the bus on this one or not. Like I said, she didn't go because of her tantrum, not because I wouldn't allow her. I found the situation impossible, and her friend should realize that.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

We need more details as how your marriage end up this way:

1. Where did you meet your wife? Has she always been this wild?

2. You say that you are in your 30s. Do you have goals in your life, other than just existing with two dogs?

3. Does your wife work?

4. You seem to have a very straight and focused attitude. However, you elected to marry a wild woman. You mentioned that she is a good looking woman. Did you marry her simply for her looks? What were good qualities that attracted you to her to eventually married her?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I have two words for you: Alcoholic's Anonymous.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Are you better off with her or without her.

If with her, are you better off with her as is or fixed. 

Ok then. Time for action. Stop the F'N reactions.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> I have two words for you: Alcoholic's Anonymous.


What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

A drunk does not have to attend those meetings...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with the others. The problem is your wife's alcoholism, and until that's under control, expect the drama to continue. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happylightgirl (Nov 2, 2014)

I agree, it sounds like your wife has a problem. She needs help. When she gets help, the friend will have to go if she wants to stay sober. The biggest problem is that if she won't admit that she has a problem, then there isn't a lot you can do. It may be time to say, I love you, but I can't live like this. Get help, or I have to leave. I wish you the best.


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## TSizzle (Nov 2, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> We need more details as how your marriage end up this way:
> 
> 1. Where did you meet your wife? Has she always been this wild?
> 
> ...


1. I met her at a birthday party, and we both weren't drinking that night. We started dating later on, and while there were drinks involved, it never got to the point where she was wasted or anything. That didn't come up until we were official, and the friend turned in the Jets in regards to updates from her ex (who was getting very serious with the girl he left her for). My wife at the time had moved on, and was eager for a new relationship, but the friend really did a number in regards to digging for reasons to get my wife drunk and miserable with her.

2. Very much so, I'd like to start a family and such, but that's a personal goal that's not exclusive to this relationship, since it's giving me problems. I'm not an animal lover in the least, so existing with two dogs is my personal hell lmao. But even then, starting a family would be the next step in my growing up, and I don't want to be a MySpace parent that dumps the kids on my parents so that I can continue being a manchild. I very much expect to be dedicated to my family.

3. Yes.

4. No, I didn't marry her for her looks. She can be extremely sweet, creative, and caring. She's talented at work, comes from an otherwise decent family (minus that blind eye to the drinking thing), and can be just as spontaneous as I can be , which can be a lot of fun.

I could say without reservation, that she's a good person that otherwise got caught in the wrong crowd (if I were to describe her upbringing in detail in comparison to the people she surrounds herself with, it'd surprise a lot of people). That, along with the drinking are byproducts of a lack of belief in herself. She stresses over the smallest things, and her temper is equal for anything, be I spilt milk or if I were to kill her dogs.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Thank you for responding to my questions. I believe that you have many issues to address:

1. You & your wife needs to address her drinking problem. You need to discuss this issue with her when she is sober. Alcoholics Anonymous may be able to assist you.

2. As you both have financial resources, you need to see a marriage counselor; a marriage counselor with a Ph.D. in Marriage & Family Therapy from a reputable university and not a mail-order one. Check their background through the licensure board in your state. You'll need to address the issues of her bad company and your goals in life. She will be an unfit mother for your children at this stage in her life. She must dis-engage from this reckless life permanently for your marriage to survive.

3. You must be realistic with the marriage that you have. Can it be saved if your wife is willing to salvage herself? Can you walk away if she is unwilling to take the steps to maintain a healthy marriage?

4. You are in your 30s. Her ability to have healthy children is ticking away. She must clean her system up from alcohol before having children. Her chances of having disabled children whether physically or mentally is a reality, given her severe drinking problem. Does she want children?

5. You are not a pet person. Children want and love pets. Can you accommodate children with pets in your life as a parent?

6. I believe that you'll need to see a psychologist as well. Your marital problems are deep. You'll need to see yourself long term.

I wish you only the best in your search for solutions. Do keep us posted on your progress. There are many good people here who can suggest solutions logically.


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

My husband was like your wife. He had a toxic friend who would bad mouth me and my hubby would drink till he passed out and not come home. I found out he had been cheating when he was not coming home. And his friend new and encouraged it.

I kicked him out. He begged, cried and pleaded to come home for two weeks. I eventually told him if he came home, the friend had to go. It was me or him. He immediately picked me. That was over 4 years ago and he hasn't seen that friend since. He is a completely different person now.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

TsShizzle, a lot of posters here are doing pretty good for you. They are trying to focus you on your wife's alcoholism. That's good, because its only 1 person away from the true problem.

The problem is a guy.

He's a nice guy. He loves a woman, probably more than he should. His woman gets blackout drunk, where anything could happen to her. And he lets her go to parties with people he doesn't know, with a toxic friend whom he at least knows OF. He's basically giving his wife a green light to cuckold him.

He has really bad boundaries of acceptable behavior. His wife has NO boundaries of acceptable behavior. This is a recipe for disaster. Well, for serial infidelity, anyway.

He lets her berate and insult him. She likes to call him "insecure," but he's so secure that he.... doesn't actually argue the point......

He doesn't like pets, but takes care of the 2 dogs she has inflicted on him, cleaning up their messes because she knows he will and doesn't have to do it herself.

This guy, just by being himself, is participating in the destruction of your marriage. His permissiveness and lack of principles is toxic to your marriage. 

You need to move heaven and earth to get rid of this guy so you can focus on you and your wife progressing in life and becoming that stable family with kids that you envision.

If you want to get this guy out of the picture, Roselyn did a great job of listing out goals for you in therapy. I wouldn't worry too much about your wife's problems until you reach the point where you can consider "wife goes out with toxic friend and gets passing out drunk" to be a dealbreaker for your marriage.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

This situation is unacceptable.

It sounds like you are used to bending over backwards for her and not having much leverage in this relationship...especially when it comes to this friend and with booze. What's worse is that you are made out to be the controlling jerk and are just out there to spoil her good time.

It sounds like you fed up, but are you ready to do what it takes to change all of this? 

It will be the hardest thing you have done...but at this point, when will it get better? After your wife has a horrific experience while she was blacked-out OR when she gets in an accident while intoxicated?? Veterans will tell you that even these things won't keep a drunk dry.

Make your plans of what you must do to leave (or kick her out). Have it set up like a program to execute. Tell her calmly, clearly, and in love that you want things to work and have a happy life together, but right now _this_ isn't working and the marriage is unhappy. Let her know you love her and respect her enough to leave her to her own choices, but if she, from this point onward, continues to drink with this friend and is not willing to curb her own drinking and out-of-control party behavior, then you have your own choice to make.

Make no room for arguing or manipulation on her part. BE CLEAR first in your details to her about what is acceptable and what is not. Let her know what you plan to do if she choose her friends and the boozin' life. If she says she'll cooperate, great...get it set up IMMEDIATELY...no "last blast". If she raises hell and says no, then time to execute your program.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

The thing with an alcoholic is not if they think they have a problem, it's more that they think they can MANAGE the problem.

Right now, neither of you are facing that fact.

Check into Al Anon. It will open your eyes to what is really is happening. Not for her, but for YOU.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You are married to an alcoholic. She hangs with those of like mind; thus, this "friend" of hers is a drunk too.

Your. Wife. Is. An. ALCOHOLIC.

Get your focus off of her. Why? Get free or get dragged. And I guarantee you, an alcoholic will drag you down in the pits of hell if you allow it.

Al-Anon. It's not about the alcoholic. It's about YOU. YOU. YOU.

Alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer. You need to learn detachment. It isn't easy. It takes a great deal of work. And it's similar to the 180 talked about on TAM.

If you get better, your wife may get better. But you cannot pin your hopes and/or happiness on your wife's sobriety.

Work a 12-step program. You are every bit as sick as the alcoholic. You just don't realize it yet.

Trust me. I've walked the walk.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

And an added P.S. to the title of your thread ... It is not about assigning who is "wrong." You both are. 

At issue is owning what is yours to own. Get back on your side of the street. Set firm boundaries FOR YOURSELF. Learn what you can accept and what you cannot.

Do NOT make threats or state consequences for your wife's behavior unless you fully intend to follow through.

I hope you see that this situation is NOT an issue of assigning wrong.

Seriously.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

sigh......

Why are you trying to reason with an alcoholic? Do you realize that your behavior trying to "control" her addiction is actually ENABLING her to stay sick?

Please do not have children with her. She will probably drink while pregnant & your baby could end up being very sick.


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