# 45 Minute Chat



## Honeymooner (Mar 18, 2014)

My husband and I were recently on a boat excursion in Australia with 9 other couples. I struck up a conversation with a gentleman (Jim). My husband is hard of hearing, so could not contribute as he was on my right side and Jim was on my left. Not that this has any judgemental feelings, but Jim was gay. I suspected he was, and when chatting he confirmed he was. For the record, my husband did not know Jim was gay. Anyway, I learned that Jim was an author and I was quite interested in his novels, so our conversation ended up taking about 45 minutes. My husband felt disrespected, so he went to the upper deck of the boat. I followed him about 1/2 hour later. He was, and still is, very upset with me. I understand how I hurt him and I don't excuse my actions, but would like to hear from others of whether or not I was totally off the wall and/or if my husband is bang on. I do feel bad as once he explained how it made him feel, it hit home. For the record, I am a socializing-type of individual. Thanks for any advice in advance.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Your H is a bit needy, but who am I to call him on it. I would be more upset if my wife had talked to some man behind my back.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP why did you not explain that your husband is hard of hearing and rearrange the seating so that he could have participated in the conversation (or just do so if he does not like people to know).

If I had planned such a lovely sounding excursion for my wife and myself I would have been upset if she had excluded me from a large part of it.

IMHO the age, gender and orientation of the person you spent so much of the trip talking to at the expense of our shared experience is not relevant.

Still what’s done is done apologies and get on with life.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Honeymooner said:


> My husband and I were recently on a boat excursion in Australia with 9 other couples. I struck up a conversation with a gentleman (Jim). My husband is hard of hearing, so could not contribute as he was on my right side and Jim was on my left. Not that this has any judgemental feelings, but Jim was gay. I suspected he was, and when chatting he confirmed he was. For the record, my husband did not know Jim was gay. Anyway, I learned that Jim was an author and I was quite interested in his novels, so our conversation ended up taking about 45 minutes. My husband felt disrespected, so he went to the upper deck of the boat. I followed him about 1/2 hour later. He was, and still is, very upset with me. I understand how I hurt him and I don't excuse my actions, but would like to hear from others of whether or not I was totally off the wall and/or if my husband is bang on. I do feel bad as once he explained how it made him feel, it hit home. For the record, I am a socializing-type of individual. Thanks for any advice in advance.


You didn't get the feeling something was wrong when he left? He left after fifteen minutes or forty five minutes?
You really disrespected him. Talking to another man on your honeymoon for that length of time is wrong. Btw gay has nothing to do with it.

I expect he now has doubts about the marriage being the right thing to have done.

Reverse the situation. If he turned his back on you and ignored you with a good looking, so called lesbian, how would you feel about him being so fascinated with her "books"?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Consider that if he is that hard of hearing, he likely feels very isolated, particularly in social settings. So while I think your husband could have handled things better, you could have as well. 

You describe yourself as a socializing type individual. What about your husband?


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## Honeymooner (Mar 18, 2014)

All very good pieces of advice. Thank you for taking the time to respond - sometimes I can't see the trees for the forest. In response to Tall Average Guy, my husband is not that much of a socializer. Rather, he tends to do most things with me or alone. Also, in response to Chapparal, we aren't on our honeymoon, that is merely my user name - we've been married 26 years. I do realize that 'gay' has nothing to do with it other than initially my husband thought I was being too friendly to a man "of competition" so to speak and was jealous. That all said, you all make very good points and something for me to think about, a lot.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Lol, what would have been worse is if he didn't care at all and just left you there to talk to as many men as possible.

Btw, the fact the two of you didn't work it out to include your husband in your facinating conversation was impolite and rude.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If we can't rely on our spouse to care about whether we are feeling excluded, who can we rely on? That said, it would probably be a bit easier if he tried to involve himself in the conversation rather than walk off and sulk about it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

breeze said:


> If we can't rely on our spouse to care about whether we are feeling excluded, who can we rely on? That said, it would probably be a bit easier if he tried to involve himself in the conversation rather than walk off and sulk about it.


People pretty much know when they're being dissed. I expect the gay dude enjoyed disrespecting him immensely, assuming being gay wasn't just another player's play.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Lol, what would have been worse is if he didn't care at all and just left you there to talk to as many men as possible.
> 
> Btw, the fact the two of you didn't work it out to include your husband in your fascinating conversation was impolite and rude.


I remember my stbxw was locked in a trance conversing with this Paramedic wanker "I, like, save lives, you know" and when I'd try to join the conversation, she and he acted like no one said anything.

I sat there like a stunned mullet for a few minutes, then thought "fcuk this" slowly got up and made my way out the front (we were at bbbq at her sisters house) and called a cab.

20 minutes it took to get there. My stbxw didn't come to see where I was in that time at all. 

Her sister saw the taxi's lights out the front, and quickly figured out that I was just leaving, and told my stbxw, so she came running out the front, and jumped in the cab with me.

Being the beta I was, I didn't know how to state how upset I was, and she just sexed her way out of trouble.

A massive red flag early on I wish I had have not ignored.

edit: This really happened. This was my life. It seems surrreal reading my own post. And she did many things like that. My god I was blinded by love.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Guys, OP is just asking for a second opinion on whether what she did was rude or not. Let's not bring "red flags" and cheating and all that into this.

She mentioned that this man was gay, and it's completely relevant, especially when posting this question HERE. The idea is that it was a conversation with an interesting person, and not OP flirting with somebody while the "poor husband" is right there. My god, imagine if she didn't mention that he was gay in the initial post? Some of you would have ripped her a new one!

Anyway...

IMO, they're both sort of in the wrong. I see absolutely nothing wrong with meeting an interesting person and having a conversation with them. Her husband was right there. It's not like she went to the bar (or washroom) and bumped into some dude, struck up a conversation, and left hubby sitting there for 45 minutes.

I have a good friend who has tinnitus in one ear, and whenever she's on the "wrong side" of somebody, she moves. It's as simple as that. But she's social. If hubby wanted to be part of the conversation, he could have.

However... OP could have included him in the convo, too. That WAS rude. It's not difficult to introduce her husband, mention to the guy that he's hard of hearing on that side, etc. then leave it up to hubby to either move to a better spot to be included in the conversation, or, as most non-social people do, go back to whatever they are doing and not include themselves in the conversation. Simple.

Also, as OP says, hubby is not all that social to begin with. So why should that prevent her from making a friend? Does she have to operate on his level whenever they're in public? Or should he sometimes go on hers?

So what I see here is a little bit of hypocrisy. Most people here will tell all of us guys to "man up" and "stop being a beta", but here we have a perfect example of hubby being a beta. Instead of including himself in the conversation, marking his territory, whatever, he gets up and wanders away, leaving OP with this man.

My wife is much more likely to strike up conversations with strangers than I am, and she has a bad habit of not introducing the people she's with (it's not just me). So when this has happened in the past, say at a party, I've either introduced myself, or I've given her a peck on the cheek and let her know I'm going to go chat with so-and-so. I don't just walk away, sulking, and I've also (by kissing her on the cheek for example) "marked my territory". Even if she's talking with a woman, or a couple.

The irony is that if this was hubby posting here with this same story, most of you guys would be all over him for doing that and not "mate guarding", and he'd be shamed mercilessly for being all beta male, and told to read countless books on the subject, and do the "180".

But OMG, it's the wife who posts this story, seeking opinions on what happened. So she gets jumped on.

It's sad to say, but I've been here long enough to figure out that there are an unsettlingly high number of men who have been the victims of cheating spouses (myself included), among other things, and harbor a resentment towards women in general - in that much of the replies to threads tend to put the blame on the woman, pretty much regardless of the situation. The tone of voice in some of the above replies is indicative of this. I have no doubt that if it was hubby posting his sad story of how his wife had a 45 minute convo with some dude (gay or not), she would have been raked over the coals AS WELL AS he being branded a beta male sucker. But he'd be told he didn't do anything wrong, it was all the wife's fault, he just needs to man up, and problem solved.

In other words, he'd be told that his wife should NEVER strike up conversations with other people, especially men, and especially when he's right there. He'd be told that he is responsible for her behavior, by way of his own behavior, and that any alpha male will not stand for this happening. And if she's talking to someone else, especially another man, it's a total red flag. Meanwhile, his wife is simply being social.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There is no excuse for rude behavior...........or overreacting.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

alexm said:


> Guys, OP is just asking for a second opinion on whether what she did was rude or not. Let's not bring "red flags" and cheating and all that into this.
> 
> She mentioned that this man was gay, and it's completely relevant, especially when posting this question HERE. The idea is that it was a conversation with an interesting person, and not OP flirting with somebody while the "poor husband" is right there. My god, imagine if she didn't mention that he was gay in the initial post? Some of you would have ripped her a new one!
> 
> ...


If I was engaged in a conversation with another woman (even a beautiful lesbian) I sure as shtt would not be so inconsiderate as to leave my wife just sitting here on her own excluded, so caught up in this other person that I just became oblivious to her. Just thinking about it, NO WAY in hell. I mean, what kind of sick in the head human does that?

OP didn't even care about her husband while wrapped up in this 'gay" guy (pathetic excuse, because it is irrelevant) and such actions betray ones inner framework, her husband got a taste of where he really stood, deep down, on her totem pole, and surprise surprise he was none too pleased.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

If I'm on a cruise with my W, lounging on deck chairs next to one another, and she randomly struck up a conversation with some guy sitting next to her on the other side, I'd think WTF?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Philat said:


> If I'm on a cruise with my W, lounging on deck chairs next to one another, and she randomly struck up a conversation with some guy sitting next to her on the other side, I'd think WTF?


I can't say I would want to be married to a person that would do that. I understand that might be extreme but after being cheated on a few times it really changes how you look at things. 

Clay


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

alexm said:


> But OMG, it's the wife who posts this story, seeking opinions on what happened. So she gets jumped on.


Well, she is the one here, not him. As you note, her behavior was a bit rude. So the advice is how she can deal with that.

If he ever shows up, we can give him advice on what to do better. She can't change him, so telling her what he should do differently is not particularly useful.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I read this thread and find it highly probable he got pushed out of the convo and that set him off. Being an introvert, he won't butt back in. This is all on her, imo.

If you have an introverted spouse, this is part of life.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

Honeymooner said:


> All very good pieces of advice. Thank you for taking the time to respond - sometimes I can't see the trees for the forest. In response to Tall Average Guy, my husband is not that much of a socializer. Rather, he tends to do most things with me or alone. Also, in response to Chapparal, we aren't on our honeymoon, that is merely my user name - we've been married 26 years. I do realize that 'gay' has nothing to do with it other than initially my husband thought I was being too friendly to a man "of competition" so to speak and was jealous. That all said, you all make very good points and something for me to think about, a lot.


perhaps some of you missed where OP came back and posted this. Was she insensitive..sure, but not one of us can say that we haven't been insensitive. She is a social person and got caught up in conversation with this person who she admired for his writing. As far as offensive things that can be done to a spouse, I think this ranks really low. Unless she is a repeat offender...which I don't suspect she will be.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Philat said:


> If I'm on a cruise with my W, lounging on deck chairs next to one another, and she randomly struck up a conversation with some guy sitting next to her on the other side, I'd think WTF?


And if most other people were on a cruise with their wife, lounging on deck chairs, and she randomly struck up a conversation with some guy sitting next to her, they'd think, hey, why don't I introduce myself? or ask my wife to introduce us. Or just go back to the book I was reading, because TALKING TO PEOPLE IS PART OF LIFE AND WE DON'T LIVE IN IRAN.

Good lord, especially on cruise ships. I don't know if many of you have been on cruises, but it's a really social atmosphere where everybody is having fun and meeting people from different States, or even countries. You're on vacation. Meet people!

This isn't a bar on a Friday night, or a swingers convention. And her husband was right next to her.

What she did wrong was not talking to this guy, but not introducing her husband and/or including him in the conversation. That WAS rude. On the other side of the coin, the husband getting all pissy and taking off was the wrong move. 

a) he really shouldn't care, because, duh, he's right there. It's not like his wife and this guy were going to exchange room keys or something. and b) she should be able to strike up conversations with whomever she wants, whenever she wants. She's not property, and she's allowed to be social. Maybe hubby was engrossed in a book, or taking a nap. That means she can't speak to the person next to her? And if she does, that means she has to interrupt hubby's book or nap to include him in the conversation? That's also up to HIM, should he be interested in doing so.

Some of the responses to this are so hypocritical, it's insane. Like I said, if the guy was the one coming on here saying his wife struck up a conversation with the guy next to BOTH of them, he'd be told to man up and stop being a beta, and that it's his fault he doesn't speak up. And it wouldn't be a case of his wife being rude, it would be "red flags!", she's trolling! She's not interested in you! She doesn't love you!


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Simmer down, Bucko. That horse is high, you're liable to fall and hurt yourself.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I actually disagree. I do think it was a big issue. Sure she maybe outgoing person and be social able. There is nothing wrong with that but once she realized her husband was upset she could have excused herself to go deal with him. Waiting 45 minutes to deal with that shows she was really not all that caring of his feelings. She should have dealt with his issues just as he should be caring of hers. Her priority should have been her husband. 

I am not directly just giving him a pass either. He should have tried to engage in there talk but I am sure this is not something new to her. Hes probably been this way through out there marriage. 

I am not saying anyone should get a divorce or anything but its something I think they both should discuss seriously. 

Clay


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Clay2013 said:


> Waiting 45 minutes to deal with that shows she was really not all that caring of his feelings. She should have dealt with his issues just as he should be caring of hers. Her priority should have been her husband.


I don't completely disagree with that. Really, I don't. I totally think OP has some degree of fault with this, for sure.

But... they're on a boat. He's not getting in the car and going home. He's not hopping in a cab and leaving her there, know what I mean? They're both sitting there, relaxing (and we're not even sure what he was doing when she started the conversation. Or the conversation was started with her.)

My point is, they're both adults, and from the sounds of it (given how long OP said they've been married) likely around their 50's. When she starts talking to someone, and he gets up without saying a word, does she really need to run after him? Does she need to ask him where he's going? Does he need to tell her where he's going? She may have thought he was going to the bar to get a drink, or to the restroom.

She's had 20+ years of marriage to a man who is not social - and that's okay. She IS social. She's likely very used to being in conversations where hubby either excuses himself, or contributes little, if at all.

I GET where hubby would be coming from in all of this, I really do. OP is not squeaky clean in this. But if he's that upset about it, he really shouldn't be. They both should know how each other is in social situations (as she appears to).

As I said earlier, my wife has a bad habit (I think it's rude) of not always introducing people, including me, in social situations. Rather than whine about it to her later, or sulk away, or create a scene, I take part in the conversation, stick out my hand and say "Hi, I'm Mike, ____'s husband, nice to meet you".

I'm thinking OP likely would have included her hubby in the convo when she had a chance, or if he perked up and showed some interest. The subject they were talking about could have been something hubby had zero interest or knowledge of. Instead, he got up and walked away, like a 5 year old who was feeling left out at playgroup.

Lastly, one of my good (female) friends was dating this guy for 10 years. She is HIGHLY social and not at all shy, whereas he is, big time. I saw the guy maybe a few times a year, tops, whereas I see her a couple of times a month. He allegedly has social anxiety. Hell of a nice guy, but quiet doesn't begin to describe him. Anyway, she was my wife's maid of honor at our wedding last year, and he pulled pretty much the same thing OP's hubby did. She was incredibly busy with the wedding and the stag and doe, and he selected that time to disappear for over an hour because she wasn't introducing him to everybody, she was getting up and taking care of party stuff, etc. She dumped his ass the next day. 10 years of that was enough, apparently. OP has spent over 20 with her hubby, and is still there, but I can imagine what a drain it can be, periodically, when you have to make sure your partner is comfortable all the time and can't do things by himself (or you, by yourself).

Philat - no high horse, but thank you. Just a grounded opinion that is not based solely on past traumatic experiences in my life. Some of that is good here, as is yours (and others) experiences. I do it as well. However I very rarely, if ever, paint anything as black and white. It's all valuable information to those who come here, who can see differing perspectives. There's also nothing wrong with disagreement, however snide remarks have no place here. We're adults, discussing adult topics, and if you disagree, that's fine with me. Just don't feel the need to insult or denigrate those who have opposing viewpoints. I'm sorry if you took my comments that way, and it's very likely you did. I apologize.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Philat said:


> Simmer down, Bucko. That horse is high, you're liable to fall and hurt yourself.


No, actually the people saying "OMG how could she do that? I could never imagine that!! That's practically cheating, etc" are the ones on high horses. 

The OP is just being herself, and asking if we think she was rude. That's all. 
Couples strike up conversations with strangers in social settings. *That's what social settings are for!!* If a couple only wanted to speak to each other only, they would just stay home. I assume the OP isn't from Iran or Saudi Arabia where it's practically illegal to speak to a woman you are not related to. 

Truth is, neither her nor her husband are necessarily in the wrong. Both her and her husband have to find a compromise that they can live with, because an extrovert married to an introvert are going to come across this type of situation often.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I simply see what happened as a momentary Lapse of judgement on your part.....you could have included your husband in on this conversation ..using a little creativity...but sometimes we get caught up in the moment!....It happens....it's life...you didn't do it "intentional"... 

Sounds you listened to his feelings, they hit home, and you feel remorse for how it played down...it's good you talked...and you came to an understanding...

So you both learn from it... for the next time..

I am more the social animal over my husband ...it's always been this way...he is fine laying low in the background...he allows me my freedom, he has never been one prone to showing any jealousy.. or bad feelings ...yet he knows I love having him right there beside me too...I can't even recall a time where he felt "dissed" due to my talking up a storm with someone... love him for that.. but really.. I always try to engage HIM in the conversation too, I try to pull whomever is around into what ever is going on... 



> *Theseus said:* *The OP is just being herself, and asking if we think she was rude. That's all.
> Couples strike up conversations with strangers in social settings. That's what social settings are for!! If a couple only wanted to speak to each other only, they would just stay home. I assume the OP isn't from Iran or Saudi Arabia where it's practically illegal to speak to a woman you are not related to.
> 
> Truth is, neither her nor her husband are necessarily in the wrong. Both her and her husband have to find a compromise that they can live with, because an extrovert married to an introvert are going to come across this type of situation often*.


 I like your post...


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