# My jealousy issues drove him to another woman. How do I fix my marriage now?



## Krystalfaerie (Dec 22, 2016)

My husband and I have been together for 13 years. 10 as boyfriend and girlfriend and 3 married. It took him a very long time to propose because we fought all the time. In the very beginning of our relationship I was a bit wild and rude. I was young. Only 15, he was already a man at 20, we had numerous fights about it. He used to be very protective of me back then too. He would yell at men who stared at me. He was a little jealous and I was too. When he started working he dropped that habit for the most part but I made it easy for him by not ever having male friends or talking to men when I didn't have to. No male doctors. I have lived my life this way since then. It's become second nature to me. Of course having changed myself so much for him, I expected the same from him...I did not get it.

We would have fights over that here and there. Back then the fights weren't so bad. They escalated over the years. 

I had bad jealousy issues. Back in 2006 he had had an emotional affair with a coworker of his. Things got a little physical but not in a sexual way. I believe I pushed him towards her because in the beginning he tried to avoid her. He always told me she would follow him around and he knew she liked him and I kept pushing for him to stay away from her. This, I think hurt him because I didn't trust him and he ended up opening a communication with her, found out he had things in common with her. Over the months I spied on him (I know I shouldn't have) and saw so many emails and text messages that hurt me. Mild flirtations and sometimes flat out talking about their feelings for one another...She told him she would leave her boyfriend for him. Eventually, after a year of hell for me, He ended this after we had a big fight when he admitted she and he had rubbed each others feet alone after work and it felt wrong and he felt guilt. Over the years after this, he would contact her when he and I fought to get back at me I think. Once he even contacted her when he came home and saw me helping our GAY (I might add) male neighbor put up Christmas lights. I was actually sucked into it because we lived in a 4 plex and I had to get something from my car. He was out there and asked me to hold the light against the tree for him for just a moment...I did so because what was I going to do?? Say no and walk inside my house? Be rude and make things awkward? So I helped and RIGHT then my husband comes home eyeballing me and our neighbor...We had a huge fight about him "coming home and catching me helping another man" So he still had jealousy issues as well. He just had a lot less fuel for it than I did. So yes he contacted her out of anger to get back at me and it hurt. 

I had been deeply affected by that betrayal even though I had caused it with the fights...But I worked hard to be more trusting even though I'd have slips. We got along for a long time and he proposed 3 years ago. We were married and everything was good. Until we started having little snips over small things like he would think I pulled a rude face over something or I would say something wrong and he would just blow up at me. We would fight probably once every couple of weeks. One little thing turned into a HUGE thing. Despite the fights, I had been doing a good job with my jealousy issues....Up until recently.

A few months ago a female co worker who I actually trusted and liked, was working from home on the same day my husband was working from home as well. Apparently she decided it would be a good idea to get a little tipsy and because of that, she admitted to having feelings for my husband and said some pretty vulgar things to him. In no nice terms she pretty much asked him to have sex with her. Since my husband and I were in a good place, he told me all this right away BUT he wouldn't let me see her messages or his responses. He assured me he put her in her place. He also told me he was very angry at her. Even hated her for making his work awkward. And he promised from then on he'd be more careful when talking to her. He wouldn't share music anymore or pictures or talk about personal things like his childhood anymore. I trusted him although I was worried because it reminded me so much of the past but I tried to look past it. I needed constant reassurance that he was going to stick to his word which he said over and over that he would. Not two weeks later he was talking to her again. He told me he had to because otherwise it would make his job awkward. I admit this hurt me a lot. I kept bringing it up, kept asking what she talked about that day. In the beginning before he began getting angry with me, he was open about it. He told me everything. Over the weeks of me asking he changed. Began getting irritable with me when I asked so I tried not to. He began getting mad at me for bringing my jealousy issues into his new home and would say that I tainted our new house and that everywhere he looked he got angry. I kept trying very hard not to make him mad but little things would set him off or even just being in one of the tainted areas.

Fights began to get so bad that he would break things and yell at me and say all these horrible things. Like how I was the biggest mistake he ever made, how I make his life miserable, how he wishes he never married me and how he could never imagine having children with me. etc. One night he told me these things and I sunk so low mentally that I took a bunch of benadryl. At the time I wished I was dead but was too scared to actually die...He caught me and called 911 and told me he was going to divorce me...That night was hell. The next day however, something changed...He became sweeter and we were better for awhile...However, he had started texting the coworker and talking to her while he was downstairs in his room. After a few weeks I found this out and asked him, crying, what was going on between them. He realized his fault in not telling me about it so he came upstairs and told me that he feels bad for her. That he cares about her and she had a rough childhood. He said she admitted that she likes him and he knows she still does but he said he didn't feel for her that way. That he wants to be with ME because I'm his wife and I mean something. He told me he knows he has anger issues and he needs to get help. He told me all these things and I trusted him...I figured as long as their relationship is strictly friends that I could deal with it. He told me he wished he knew how to take a step back and distance himself from her...This made me think he wanted my help, which lead to our next big fight. 

A few weeks later we were at his brother's house for thanksgiving and I saw he was texting her. When we got into the car I suggested that when he is out with me that he don't text her and that'd help her to have distance from him and he blew up at me. Telling me he didn't want me advice on the subject and that it's none of my business. 

Overtime their relationship has gotten even closer. He now goes down into his room and talks to her for hours before bed. Sometimes until 3am while I'm all alone up here and stressing out about it. He will hide the messages from me when I come downstairs for a hug and he does get irritable when he sees me look towards his computer. He texts her when he is out with me and will be rude to be if he sees me look over at his phone... This is my daily life now. I can't do anything to stop this or he will get angry with me. He keeps telling me he is miserable...And he NEEDS the alone time to talk to his friend...I do add that when he finally does come back to me he seems happier and is loving and sweet with me.

A week or so ago he was texting her in the car with me and he seemed agitated. I asked if everything was alright. I thought she had said something to set him off but he said it was fine. He seemed more and more agitated and I offered to drive back home so he could talk to her if she needed him for something. I was trying to be understanding...Trying to help...But he blew up at me and told me that he doesn't want me to ever try to be understanding or to try to help and to keep my mouth shut about it. 

I know I've messed up and made him this way. I need to know how to fix myself so I can fix my marriage. How do we heal from this? How do I win him back? Is he in love with her? I'm just a housewife. I have no skills. I'm not impressive...I can't make him laugh anymore. When he is down there talking to her I always hear him laugh...It hurts. I have to turn on music to drown out the sound. What do I do? I love him so much and can't imagine my life without him. I'm in so much pain right now and I KNOW he is too but he won't communicate with me at all. Just her. Please help me...What can I do? I know this post is a huge mess...It would take 13 years to explain everything completely so these things I have mentioned are the BIG things that have torn us apart. I am in no way blaming my husband for what he is doing now. I truly believe I pushed him to it. I just need to know how to win him back...It seems like nothing I ever do is right and the smallest thing makes him angry.

I NEED to add that my husband is such a good and generous man when I'm not making him angry...He DOES try so hard and I honestly am amazed that he hasn't left me yet...I think deep down he loves me but there is so much past and grudges holding him back from loving me completely now. Please don't speak ill about him, he is my world. I love him unconditionally.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like both you and your husband have serious issues that each of you needs to work on.

But, you do not make your husband be abusive. You did not make him cheat. If he was unhappy in your marriage, you could have just divorced you. Cheating is on him and him alone.

My suggestion is that you find a counselor at a place that helps victims of abuse. Search for a place near you. Get the help you need to fix yourself. Then and only then can you work on fixing your marriage, if it can even be fixed.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Krystalfaerie said:


> I know I've messed up and made him this way.


You didn't make him that way. Or any way. You've got enough of your own problems you don't need to take responsibility for his.

As far as the rest of it goes- some people just aren't a good match for each other. Or anyone else for that matter. 

Work on yourself. Then maybe one day meet someone who doesn't feed your negative personality attributes, at least those you haven't addressed in therapy with a licensed, trained, competent professional.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

No one can MAKE the other person cheat! Stop taking that responsibility on yourself for HIS bad decisions. You were within your right for wanting him to stay away from women who had an interest in him...he should have known to do that himself. He is an abuser and a cheater, and that is NOT your fault, so STOP taking the blame for this! What you ARE responsible for is that you stay with this ass. THAT is all on you.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

First - you are better then how he is treating you. You deserve better. That may be hard to comprehend but it is 100% true. 

Second? Kids? If not, DONT. 

You are young, follow the advice above. Especially seeking counseling to help you understand where YOU start and where YOU end... because to think you caused his abuse is not accurate. You need to change that thought process.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What you need most right now is to start seeing a therapist. They'll help you set healthy boundaries in your life.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

This is all very strange sounding. What country are you from/do you live in?


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## Krystalfaerie (Dec 22, 2016)

So you all think he is cheating? Even though he has told me he only cares for her as a friend? He isn't like other guys who would cheat. And I trust him when he says that...I just don't think he would ever cheat on me without having the respect to leave me first before he moves on. I mean in the past when I hear about someone cheating on someone else and call them a scum bag he would say things like "Maybe he wasn't happy in his relationship" : / When he is happy, he is sweet and cuddles with me. He holds me and tells me he isn't angry with me and he wants to be with me... The way he looks at me when he's happy makes me feel safe. Is it possible they are just friends and that talking to her is helping him to heal from our past problems in a way that I can't offer because I was the one who caused those problems?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Krystalfaerie said:


> So you all think he is cheating? Even though he has told me he only cares for her as a friend? He isn't like other guys who would cheat. And I trust him when he says that...I just don't think he would ever cheat on me without having the respect to leave me first before he moves on. I mean in the past when I hear about someone cheating on someone else and call them a scum bag he would say things like "Maybe he wasn't happy in his relationship" : / When he is happy, he is sweet and cuddles with me. He holds me and tells me he isn't angry with me and he wants to be with me... The way he looks at me when he's happy makes me feel safe. Is it possible they are just friends and that talking to her is helping him to heal from our past problems in a way that I can't offer because I was the one who caused those problems?


This is what cheaters do. You cannot believe a word he says. He is lying that she is only a friend, and he should not be turning to any other woman to "help him heal from your past problems".


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

CYCLES OF INTIMATE PARTNER ABUSE

•Abuse 
– Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent 
behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."

•Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but 
not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught 
and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.

•Excuses – Your 
abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a 
string of excuses or blame you for the abusive 
behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility. 

•"Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to 
regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing 
has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may 
give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.

•Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize 
about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done 
wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy 
of abuse into reality.

•Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in 
motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

*Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse 
can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only 
person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he 
truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real. 
*(provided By Helpguide.org)


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

oh dear...

You have been conditioned to believe your husband's happiness is your responsibility. You see nothing wrong with his behavior towards the other woman because you cannot imagine a life in which he cheats.

I would suggest little victories... Small victories will make you stronger. Start with yourself. Do you have a job? Do you have friends outside your marriage? What are you good at doing? Do you have hobbies? Work on making YOU happy without your husband

Reading what you wrote, he does not respect and never has. He has always been liberal with his actions. A marriage (or relationship) is about respect and love. He is treating you like a doormat... I am sorry to say this but it is true.
Leaving your husband will be a tremendous endeavor. You are not ready to do this yet, I feel so awful for you....

Work on yourself please. I hope one day you see the light. 

Trust me, leaving an abusive relationship is so difficult but oh so worth it!! I was where you are. I am still a mess. I am still trying to find ME because I lost myself during my 15 year marriage. I too wanted nothing but to make ex happy. WE CANNOT. I am so sorry


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I don't really read any further when I read an adult of 20 and a child of 15. Seriously. It's a shocker there was cheating and abusiveness and immaturity. Neither of you have fully developed yet and have stunted your own growth.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Herschel said:


> I don't really read any further when I read an adult of 20 and a child of 15. Seriously. It's a shocker there was cheating and abusiveness and immaturity. Neither of you have fully developed yet and have stunted your own growth.


This is the exact reason why I asked what country they're in. That's statutory rape if there was sex involved.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

You were 15 when this relationship started. You are scared and have no idea what its like out there on your own. i PROMIS its easier in your twenties. Don't let this guy manipulate and gaslight you into staying another year longer. Start getting strong, because the relationship you detailed out is A LITERAL NIGHTMARE for most people. 

YOU ARE NOT THIS HORRIBLE WIFE THAT DROVE HER HUSAND TO CHEAT! got that? You did not cause this. You were 15 when the relationship started. You were immature and jealous. Stop apologizing for youthful ignorance. You are now jealous because you have good reason to be. 

He is in an affair. And I'm sure it has been physical.... Im sorry, but your husband is not a pro at lying... You just want so much to believe him. (Its okay... In some respects we are the same. I married my high school sweet heart. Met at 16, married at 19.) I know what its like to be scared about what is out there if I were no longer with him...


YOU are young. You will be desirable, and you CAN have a healthy relationship... I just don't believe you can have one with your current husband.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

So they are 28 and 33 now give or take? 

Yes, a 20 yo dating a 15 yo says a lot about his character.

Guards you like a warden. Barks at any other male that happens to glance your way. "No male doctors!" Good grief 

He's cheated once - emotionally and a little bit physically. So yeah he probably is or has done much more. Love the double standard that you are expected to not even talk to 50% of the world but he can sample different women when he gets the itch.

Therapist; ASAP. Figure out why your self esteem is so low.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Krystalfaerie, if you are really from America like your profile says, then you need to get yourself into some kind of intervention or shelter or SOMEwhere that you can start to learn what a healthy relationship looks like. Because, honey, what you're in right now is most assuredly NOT. Your husband has you totally brainwashed.


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## Krystalfaerie (Dec 22, 2016)

Thank you for your replies...It's true that I have low self esteem. I feel like I've destroyed something that could have been so good. I feel so much guilt over it. Like I don't deserve to be happy and that I deserve to live this way. Yes I'm 27 now and he is 34. Our relationship til I was 18 was respectful. He was a gentleman. My parents loved him, his loved me. Our fights first started when his brother spread rumors about me, me having been wild before I met my husband made him kinda believe those rumors...So we fought until he knew the truth but he never quite got over it. He hadn't talked to his brother for years and years until just a few months ago when we all made up. So now He works out there in the real world and I'm just a simple housewife. I only go to the store or to the post office. I have no job and the only hobby I have is gaming. I'm so very scared of going out there into the real world. I'm not used to people. I'm very socially awkward. He takes care of me and I can't imagine what it would be like without him. I can't even sleep without him with me. I'm honestly terrified of losing him. I just want everything to be OK...I don't want this to be happening to us. I don't know how it got this bad...He and I had so many good times and every time we had a fight it was when I did or said something stupid. I try to think of examples but it's hard because I forget them. He gets so angry at me when I disagree with him on something or argue about something. Last night he said he might go to the movies with some co workers. I said I didn't want him to go. He got angry at me and said "Are you kidding me? You think this is a good time to bring this up right now? You think this is a good time to put this on me?". I shouldn't have said it...I knew that she would be there if he went and I didn't want him going to the movies with her knowing how she feels about him. Right now he might be there with his co workers...He told me hey may or may not go to the movies...He wouldn't tell me who all was there. I was afraid to ask because he might get angry at me. I can't leave him. I just can't. I HAVE to fix it. I don't think it's the same for other people who have gone through it...I think this is different...I think if I'm good and don't mess up that everything will be OK...The idea of it ending....I can't even think about it.

He's told me how depressed he's been feeling. He's been open with me about how he really wants us to work but he needs space sometimes...And in those times he needs me to leave him alone so he can feel better. I just need to know that this WILL get better over time...Is this my test? Is this how I redeem myself in his eyes? If I'm patient enough will my baby come back to me? If I lose him I would rather spend my life alone than ever be with someone else. I gave everything to him and that's special to me. It's not meant for anyone else. I'm sobbing while writing all this. I have no idea what to do. I'm really hurting too...


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

1. You are 1-thousand-million percent within your right to ask him not to go to the movies with this woman, and others.

2. You are home all day alone taking care of the house. He should come home and suggest that the two of you go to the movies. Or dinner. Or dancing.

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. It appears he has zero respect for you. I hate to put it this way but he views you as a possession certainly not an equal partner.

I hate to be forward, but you mentioned he and his brother didn't speak for years because brother was spreading rumors about how Wild you were before you met your future husband. Was his brother a classmate of yours? How would he know? You met him when you were 15 so I'm not sure how wild you could be but maybe I'm being naive.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

You are married to an abuser.

You need to leave and seek help from a woman's shelter.

You did not drive him to another woman and you need to not blame yourself for his actions.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Krystalfaerie (Dec 22, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> 1. You are 1-thousand-million percent within your right to ask him not to go to the movies with this woman, and others.
> 
> 2. You are home all day alone taking care of the house. He should come home and suggest that the two of you go to the movies. Or dinner. Or dancing.
> 
> ...


I didn't know his brother at all. His brother is older than him and was married. I was home schooled. My husband always believed his brother was jealous of our new relationship. By being wild I mean I was a rebel. I cursed a lot. My choice in clothes wasn't very lady like and because of that, I had a bad reputation even though I had never been involved with anyone before in any way. His brother told my husband that he saw me doing things with the man who lived in between our homes (we lived 3 houses down from eachother). I knew the man because I used to play with his cats. He was much older than me, about 40, but I had developed a (what I thought of since I was young and naive) friendship with him. However, he saw it differently I found out when he made advances towards me one night while I was talking to him. That was the last time I ever saw him. The most I had done was rub his neck which I had done when my husband was around before we were a couple. One time, also when my husband was there I had been standing behind the guy and put the end of my shirt over his head to cover his eyes, my husband thought it was inappropriate even though the guy didn't see anything but the front of the inside of my shirt. I didn't see it as wrong back then...I was a kid. He often brings those things up when we fight. Things from 13 years ago when we weren't even together..I see how inappropriate it was now of course. But anyways his brother spread rumors about witnessing me doing things of a bad nature with that man, which wasn't true at all. Since my husband had witnessed the neck rubbing and thanks to the reputation and rumors of others, he believed him. I had lied and come clean about OTHER things that I had told him to (what I stupidly thought) impress him, he didn't believe that I was being honest. He still to this day things I did things with that man...


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

why don't you work? Are you no table to or does he not allow it?

You are do nothing wrong, he by the way is very wrong. 

He will continue to treat you bad because you let him.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Marriage shouldn't be a prison. Your marriage sounds like one.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> Marriage shouldn't be a prison. Your marriage sounds like one.


Unfortunately this sums it up very succinctly. Only you can decide if you want to live the rest of your life this way.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Hooo boy.

Homeschooled. Thinks cursing and her clothes were not 'lady like' (whatever nonsense that is). Surely you were a wild child worthy of contempt!
*rolls eyes*

Ok so basically you got in a relationship with a controlling a-hole and you didn't know better because it was probably one or two of the only guys you'd ever met. The same guy who thought, as a 20 year old, that there's nothing wrong with being in a relationship with and boning a 15 year old.

Now the dude rags on you for wanting space after he's pretty much been the reason you've been cooped up and he's your only outlet for attention?

pffft.

Get out. Things are only going to get worse.

You need to do a lot of work on yourself as well. I think you'll find it very tough- but realize that once you do it will be the best decision you've made.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

From my opinion, you should go for couples therapy! Couples therapy provides opportunity for you to understand relationship differently. So you can improve your loving engagement, nagging issues, strengthen your communication skills through private exercises with your partner.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

With all due respect, couples therapy is not going to improve your marriage OP. There isn't any legitimate couples therapy you will find that would try to help you work through this marriage 

Individual therapy to see why you have zero self esteem and have a symbiotic relationship with a controlling, emotionally abusive man.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Just where the hell were your parents when you were 15?? No way in hell would my 15 year old be dating a 20 year old! Where are they now? Do they not care that you are being controlled like this?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Krystalfaerie said:


> Thank you for your replies...It's true that I have low self esteem. I feel like I've destroyed something that could have been so good.


Everything you wrote after this is nothing but crap that you are regurgitating. You need to not only read what we are writing but ACTUALLY HEAR it and INTERNALIZE it. YOU ARE BEING BRAINWASHED, CONTROLLED AND ABUSED.

I honestly have no idea what to tell you. You are so far gone I don't think anything we say here is going to make you see what you have to do.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

emmasmith said:


> From my opinion, you should go for couples therapy! Couples therapy provides opportunity for you to understand relationship differently. So you can improve your loving engagement, nagging issues, strengthen your communication skills through private exercises with your partner.


This is bullsh1t. Couples therapy?!?!?! That's like telling an Iranian hostage to just bend over for the nice terrorist and everything will be fine.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Yes, a 20 yo dating a 15 yo says a lot about his character.


This! 

What LOSER college aged guy is chasing around a freshmen/sophomore in high school?!?

The women his age wanted nothing to do with him so he sought out a naïve girl @Krystalfaerie

You fell for his crap and wasted a decade over it. Don't fall for this "soul mates" bullsh!t fantasy.

There's a WHOLE WORLD of decent men out there. STOP wasting your time pining over a POS!


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> This!
> 
> What LOSER college aged guy is chasing around a freshmen/sophomore in high school?!?


Well not for nothing but that could have been me 20 years ago.. some of those 15 year olds.. their figures and how they dressed.. it was hard not to.

I only wish I could run as fast as they did.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

browser said:


> Well not for nothing but that could have been me 20 years ago.. some of those 15 year olds.. their figures and how they dressed.. it was hard not to.
> 
> I only wish I could run as fast as they did.


I was in college 20 years ago too and there was plenty of 18+ eager poon to be had.

Plus, I really didn't want to get thrown in jail either so that was plenty enough deterrent for me.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

Jealousy doesn't make your partner cheat, but it will push them away.

So do you have a part in driving a divide in your relationship because of your jealousy? Yes.
Do you have a part in his decision to cheat on you? No.


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