# Dating a single mom



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

I just had my second date with a woman who has a 3 year old girl.

We were kind of introduced to each other through a mutual friend but she asked me out.

I'm 29 and she's 28. I'm really developing something for her at this early stage. I think she can also feel the chemistry we have.

She's very attractive, intelligent and generally has her **** together. She is definitely the best I've been able to do for a long time. But, she has a kid.

I asked about what happened and she said she was with the same boyfriend from freshman year of college to 24/25 when their birth control failed. He seemed to be OK with it until the baby was born then he started pulling away. Basically, she said he said and did things around this time that he can never take back. He wants nothing to do with the girl and moved away. She's thankful he's just out of their lives and doesn't bother him for child support because she wants to be done with him.

She hasn't dated in over 3 years. She has a great family and group of friends for support. She said that she was crazy nervous about asking me out and that she is rusty in the dating department but very glad that "you gave me a chance."

I really like her. She doesn't seem like the kind of girl with a wild past but was just unlucky that she was with a Dr. Jekyll who turned when the pregnancy happened. 

How should I continue with this? We both want to spend time together. I think this could be a good thing. I've never dated a woman with kids so I need some advice.


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

Everyone has baggage to some degree, and you'll find that the baggage only gets worse as you get older. That said, while I usually would not advocate dating a single mother, she seems like she's got her things together and just had a few bumps happen to her during the road of life. If she had an army of kids, that would be another thing. Given your situation and general apprehension to dating, I'd take it in stride and see where things go. Worst case, you gain confidence and experience from her. Don't fall too hard, too fast...


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Ask my husband: I showed up with a bunch of kids. (He has one.)

I don't have an army; I have a high-top full.

What went a long way with me: dates who offered to chip in for baby sitters. That showed me they value my time.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

TikiKeen said:


> What went a long way with me: dates who offered to chip in for baby sitters. That showed me they value my time.


She has actually specifically asked me NOT to do this. She thinks it would be inappropriate. I'm only the second person she has ever dated (her ex being the other).

She wants to just focus on what we two can be for now. She wants to keep this between us for the time being.

I like that she realizes this is a lot for me to take in.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I do too, but her statement baffles me: helping pay for a sitter doesn't obligate her to introduce you to her kiddo. To each her own, lol.

My H didn't meet my big kids for almost 2 months, and the littlest he met on accident prior to dating. H was oddly enough the only person who was available to drive me to get my car out of the shop.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

TikiKeen said:


> I do too, but her statement baffles me: helping pay for a sitter doesn't obligate her to introduce you to her kiddo. To each her own, lol.
> 
> My H didn't meet my big kids for almost 2 months, and the littlest he met on accident prior to dating. H was oddly enough the only person who was available to drive me to get my car out of the shop.


I don't think she thinks that. She wants to just focus on us. The girl will come into the picture if something serious develops between us. She doesn't think that paying a sitter means I have some kind of right to meet her daughter.

Like I said, I appreciate that she is taking things slowly. She has her stuff together and I like that a lot about her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

When hubby and I met, I had three kids ages 2 to 6. He decided to take it slow because of that, which was good, because I didn't want him to meet the kids unless it got pretty serious. But as far as sex went, he took it TOO slow. I finally had to 'insist' 

He made some assumptions that he shouldn't have when we were first dating. I remember one date he took me to a baseball game which started at 7 pm. By the time I got home and fed the kids and met with the sitter and got ready, it was time for him to pick me up. We got to the ball park and he proceeded to buy himself a hot dog. Never offered to buy me anything!! I guess I shouldn't have assumed he would buy me supper either, but geez, it would have been nice if he hadn't assumed I'd eaten already.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Well I won't offer advice as I feel it would be coloured by my own experience.

I was you I married a woman with a child, she had been hurt and deserted by an arsehole of a man.

25 years anniversary coming up!

So it can work.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> He made some assumptions that he shouldn't have when we were first dating. I remember one date he took me to a baseball game which started at 7 pm. By the time I got home and fed the kids and met with the sitter and got ready, it was time for him to pick me up. We got to the ball park and he proceeded to buy himself a hot dog. Never offered to buy me anything!! I guess I shouldn't have assumed he would buy me supper either, but geez, it would have been nice if he hadn't assumed I'd eaten already.


This is true whether or not one's date is a single mom.

I think the need for advice here is not about "dating a single mom," it's about "dating." OP, Try to look at it as such.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Take it slow and be open-minded. Really get to know her if you can. People often turn out to be not what they seem at first, so any extra time you take will be well spent.

Just try to enjoy for now.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

If I remember well, I have dated at least three women in the past with kids.
They were all older than I.
I think I understand what you're getting at..
Dating a woman with a kid is no different really from dating a woman without.
The women I dated never expected me to do anything for their kids. But kids are generally , naturally drawn to me. I felt awkward when the kid asked me who I was.
My answer was usually , I'm just one of your mummy's friends.
That usually worked for little kids.[ I remember one little fellow asking me immediately after if I could be his friend too..]

It was also sometimes awkward when we wanted to do the dirty deed at her place and the kid is sleeping in their room, with the door opened , or we were on the couch making out after a date , babysitter gone ,and she had to be extra cautious because kiddo might suddenly appear.

I think ,the difference comes in when things get serious.
And I have never been serious with a woman with a kid. it was always just dating and fooling around.
But I suppose you've just met this woman, and you like her a lot so scenarios are running through your head.
She sound like a nice person with her sh!t together and no fake stuff.
My advice is that this is new stuff,take it one step at a time like any other relationship.
Let your expectations be moderate


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

My big goal was to try to make it through a date only mentioning my kids once, unless asked. It was good practice in breaking the 'mom mold'.

lol...I do remember one guy I went out with twice; he was dating around, and so was I. I wasn't having sex, but going on dates. After I didn't sleep with him on the second date, we were talking (he called me) a few days later. Out of nowhere he said the worst excuse I've ever heard for breaking up with someone who wouldn't put out: "I'm not ready to be a dad."

I said "Well that's good, because I never considered you as father material, much less third date material."

What a dweeb.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Personally I think you should hold off on getting to involved with the kids unless it's serious. Kids tend to bond with father figures and it really messes them up. My friend from work dated this girl months after her baby was born. The father was a loser and wanted nothing to do with the kid so it worked out with my friend. He dated her for almost five years basically helping her raise the child and the child would call him daddy.

They just broke up because she wanted some "space" and now poor kid just lost another "dad". Sad.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ntamph said:


> She has actually specifically asked me NOT to do this. She thinks it would be inappropriate. *I'm only the second person she has ever dated (her ex being the other).*
> 
> She wants to just focus on what we two can be for now. She wants to keep this between us for the time being.
> 
> I like that she realizes this is a lot for me to take in.


The part I bolded would be the bigger red flag to me than the child, or atleast if I were the one in your shoes.

Funny story, the woman I'm seeing right now I first met long ago, I always really liked her, felt drawn to her personality, looks sense of humor... I was single but back then I had only ever dated one girl in a LTR and was completely lousy at flirting or expressing interest, I wanted to pursue and I used the fact that she had a young daughter as an excuse not to.

Now her daughter is in her 20's (holy cow I can't really figure out how that much time has passed between then and now) but anyway we both happened to be single and so I pulled the trigger, finally  And the crazy bit is she's about to become a grandma :/ I don't mind though because she will be the hottest grannie there ever was or will be.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Lon said:


> The part I bolded would be the bigger red flag to me than the child, or atleast if I were the one in your shoes.
> 
> Funny story, the woman I'm seeing right now I first met long ago, I always really liked her, felt drawn to her personality, looks sense of humor... I was single but back then I had only ever dated one girl in a LTR and was completely lousy at flirting or expressing interest, I wanted to pursue and I used the fact that she had a young daughter as an excuse not to.
> 
> Now her daughter is in her 20's (holy cow I can't really figure out how that much time has passed between then and now) but anyway we both happened to be single and so I pulled the trigger, finally  And the crazy bit is she's about to become a grandma :/ I don't mind though because she will be the hottest grannie there ever was or will be.


I'm sorry - she might have to share that title. My kids say I'm the hottest grandma!

OP just take your time and get to know her. When time come to involve little girl, don't get involved in the parenting part. And by God don't judge harshly the antics of a 3 year old. They are lovely one second - demons the next. They outgrow that (as I snuggle my demon - 'mommy I cold')
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Dating a single mom*



golfergirl said:


> I'm sorry - she might have to share that title. My kids say I'm the hottest grandma!
> 
> OP just take your time and get to know her. When time come to involve little girl, don't get involved in the parenting part. And by God don't judge harshly the antics of a 3 year old. They are lovely one second - demons the next. They outgrow that (as I snuggle my demon - 'mommy I cold')
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree here, as a single parent (half time) myself, my biggest concern about dating is feeling secure knowing that I won't be able to give all my attention to a romantic relationship, if my partner expressed feelings of neglect or resentment because I couldn't plan enough time with her I would feel it just wouldn't work and would be prone to letting go.

If you begin feeling resentment or jealousy that you dont get enough alone time with her, don't expect that to improve for the foreseeable future.

As for stepping into a parenting role, dont even go there unless you become a permanent fixture, help her in any way you can, listen to her and support her, be kind to her child but there is no onus on you, and if she is putting one on you then be wary. But she likely just wants a nice interesting attractive man to call up and enjoy time with.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

Everything is going quite well. She texted me thanking me for the coffee and wants to return the favor. She called me a hunk in the text. We chatted back and forth some, all's good. :smthumbup:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Just go really slow....plan on spending months getting to know her and dating her before you start thining about anything in the future.

Dating and getting to know each other is the fun part anyway!


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

She sounds pretty level headed to me. Like others have already said avoid getting involved with the child until you know the relationship will be permanent. Kids can bond pretty quickly. It would be a shame to put them through another seperation should the relationship not work out. If she was pushing you to meet her kids then I would recommend running for the hills. 

The other key thing you need to understand is you will always be number two priority with her. Even if you have plans, if the kids need her...and it will happen a lot...then the kids will come first.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

My wife had a 5 year old when we started dating. By the time we married, the child was about 11 or so.

That is NOT a good age to become a parent for the first time.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

Ntamph, I think it's great that you are being open to new experiences. As others have said, just take it slow and see how things unfold. Get to know her for who she is. Try not to judge her or her intentions based on the fact that she has a child.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MrsDavey said:


> Ntamph, I think it's great that you are being open to new experiences. As others have said, just take it slow and see how things unfold. Get to know her for who she is. Try not to judge her or her intentions based on the fact that she has a child.


She might want male companionship from someone she really likes.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

MrsDavey said:


> Ntamph, I think it's great that you are being open to new experiences. As others have said, just take it slow and see how things unfold. Get to know her for who she is. Try not to judge her or her intentions based on the fact that she has a child.


I won't. She just seems.........different and cool. I'm glad I've opened my mind a little and I'm much happier now because of it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I had a child and an ex h when I met my husband. He had no children. I never used anyone other then family to babysit with any of my children. We went on dates with and without my child.

My husband took in my daughter as his own once we married and raised her very well into adulthood. I couldn't of asked for a better father or role model for my daughter. We did have 2 more of our own.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ntamph said:


> I won't. She just seems.........different and cool. I'm glad I've opened my mind a little and I'm much happier now because of it.


Many times a mother can be a better relationship partner than one who is "untarnished" because they have to learn to take care of someone other than themself.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Ah, this thread gives me hope. 

I have gone through a year from hell with a cheating x...I am pleased to say I've met someone and am excited and trying to take it slow but geez...it's hard! In fact, I'm going to start a thread about it cause I need advice!

Good luck ntamph -- your new lady is lucky to have someone who would look for advice on a site like this!


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