# Marrying a women over 30 with kids



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Statistics say that a divorced woman, over 30, with children, is unlikely to remarry. Her market value is near nil. I haven't really spent time researching it, but that's what I've gleaned from random internet articles, forums, etc.

I was that woman, mid 30s, divorced, kids. I met my husband, we fell madly in love (I really think it was love at first sight) and he married me. He said he knew he was lost during the first date. Really romantic. It really was that simple.

This is not to say we didn't have our share of problems adjusting to the blended family situation afterwards, but that's not my point in this thread. 

If you had "that" feeling about a woman, you know the one where you say "I don't want to let this one get away", would the fact that she had kids from a previous marriage stop you? Or, to take the idea even further, would you not even bother dating, let alone enter into a committed relationship with a woman who already had kids from a previous marriage?

In my entourage, I'm one of the few divorced and remarried people so I don't really know. Some of my H's colleagues have divorced and are now with younger women - max 30 years old and without children. I'd just be interested to read the reactions on here.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

sorry for the typo: I meant to write "woman" but can't figure out how to change the title...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

At 46 years old, I can't imagine dating someone younger than 30, with or without kids. Most of the women in my age bracket who are available have kids, so it's kind of a package deal.

But I lucked out, and my SO (who's a year younger than me) doesn't have any... 

C


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I work with data and statistics for a living and I would like to see these statistics. It's very easy to conduct a study to say anything you want, so I don't believe them in general. I met my hb as a divorced mother of two in my 30's and I know a number of women that have remarried older. The statement about these women seldom remarrying was undoubtedly put together by a manwith an inflated sense of entitlement and his own self worth. It's like anything else.....if you want to attract a good partner you need to bring things to the table.

Remember that there are lies, damn lies, and statistics.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

PBear said:


> At 46 years old, I can't imagine dating someone younger than 30, with or without kids.


Yup good point. My H and I are 5 years apart. He has often said the same thing.

A couple of his colleagues are in their 50s, girlfriends in their 30s.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I work with data and statistics for a living and I would like to see these statistics. It's very easy to conduct a study to say anything you want, so I don't believe them in general. I met my hb as a divorced mother of two in my 30's and I know a number of women that have remarried older. The statement about these women seldom remarrying was undoubtedly put together by a manwith an inflated sense of entitlement and his own self worth. It's like anything else.....if you want to attract a good partner you need to bring things to the table.
> 
> Remember that there are lies, damn lies, and statistics.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, I don't have real data about sources. You know, it's one of those "They say that... x. y, z" kind of things. But I'm interested in hearing what people think. Glad to know you also found a new relationship!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

not a guy but I can tell you I would never marry a man with children again...been there and done that nightmare. Age wouldn't even be a factor.I wouldn't marry him if he was 28 with a kid and I wouldn't marry him at 38 with a kid. 

DH had no problem marrying me knowing I have a child though.I think he would have married me even if I was in my mid-late 30's with a kid. 

My ex's ex is 50 w/a teenager and she has had 3 men propose to her within a span of 10 years.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

30+ yr old women with kids get married every day. 

What I don't understand is why anyone wants to get married.

Kidding.

(not really).


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> not a guy but I can tell you I would never marry a man with children again...been there and done that nightmare.


So as a single man with children I have to ask....isn't this a terrible generalization?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Market value? Pfft. I don't know where you got the idea that women over 30 with kids don't usually remarry, every divorcee (bar one) I have known is remarried. 

I'm in my 30's and have had two proposals since divorcing.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I'm not sure I'll ever be married again but as a single parent I'm thinking that only someone else who's had kids is going to really understand what that's all about. Thus I'm looking for someone who's had kids and doesn't want more... like me


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Shoto1984 said:


> So as a single man with children I have to ask....isn't this a terrible generalization?


It's my life so it's my choice.I'm sharing my experience and what I personally wouldn't do.How is that a generalization? A generalization would have been something like "Ladies NEVER marry a man with children! You'll regret it!!" 
Just because I found it to be a nightmare and would never do it again doesn't mean other women can't find it delightful and worth trying.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Lots of women remarry after 30, and lots of those have children. Here's a set of slides from the census bureau:

http://www.census.gov/hhes/socdemo/marriage/data/sipp/us-remarriage-poster.pdf

A couple of the graphs just over half-way through tell this tale well.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Market value? Pfft. I don't know where you got the idea that women over 30 with kids don't usually remarry, every divorcee (bar one) I have known is remarried.
> 
> I'm in my 30's and have had two proposals since divorcing.


Interesting to hear! Love it.

Anyway, don't shoot the messenger. I'm throwing the question out there based on what I've generally heard.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Lots of women remarry after 30, and lots of those have children. Here's a set of slides from the census bureau:
> 
> http://www.census.gov/hhes/socdemo/marriage/data/sipp/us-remarriage-poster.pdf
> 
> A couple of the graphs just over half-way through tell this tale well.


Interesting stats. Just skimmed through it. Noticed that 51% are households with no children.. Unless I read it wrong.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's funny that you said this



Shoto1984 said:


> So as a single man with children I have to ask....isn't this a terrible generalization?


Because you kind of made the point I think you were trying to ask here:




Shoto1984 said:


> as a single parent I'm thinking that only someone else who's had kids is going to really understand what that's all about. *Thus I'm looking for someone who's had kids* and doesn't want more... like me


:rofl:

It's different for everyone. Some folks want someone with kids, some don't. Some want kids that are old, some that are young kids. Some want someone who's never been married; some divorced people only want to date someone else who's been divorced; some folks want to be with someone who has been cheated on like they have since they can relate.

I am a woman without children and just noticed that the last couple of men I have been involved with were also childfree. It's not like I have made a conscious choice decision to only date men without children; it has just happened to be that way. And yes, we could relate on a common level because we don't have kids.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Shoto1984 said:


> I'm not sure I'll ever be married again but as a single parent I'm thinking that only someone else who's had kids is going to really understand what that's all about. Thus I'm looking for someone who's had kids and doesn't want more... like me


This is a good point. I was looking for a man who had kids as well. But I can see why others would not want to have to deal with this. Really I can!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Omego said:


> This is a good point. I was looking for a man who had kids as well. But I can see why others would not want to have to deal with this. Really I can!


It's not even about the person with kids.It's about dealing w/ remnants of their previous life constantly in my face.It's about dealing with the mother of the child.It's about dealing with all the things kids go through when their parents are no longer together and you're the new partner. I have limitations in what I can handle and what I'm willing to handle. 

There are many other women who are fully capable of handling this situation and do beautifully with it. I'm just not one of them


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Omego said:


> Interesting stats. Just skimmed through it. Noticed that 51% are households with no children.. Unless I read it wrong.


They may be grown.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I can only speak from my experience.

When I was around six yrs, my mother got divorced.
She finally got remarried after all her kids grew up and got married. I was the last one to get married.

During the thirty five odd years that she was divorced, there was a constant flow of suitors from all walks of life, that I was aware of.
Pastors, businessmen , men much younger than her ,and a couple of weirdos.
She finally got remarried in her mid forties to a man that was never married.

Today she's enjoying her retirement and is " jet set" all over the world doing what she loves best, travelling.
I think she sacrificed remarriage for so many years in order to give her kids all her full attention, and made sure we came out successful.

I don't know if my mom case was the exception or the rule , because she is a very beautiful woman who doesn't look her age.
However , in our country, very few people ever get remarried after divorce. They usually opt to live together with their significant other.
They are entitled to the same legal benefits of marriage after five years of cohabiting.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I don't see it as a problem. It does depend on how many kids and with how many men hehe. If it's just one, that's a good indicator of a committed woman, if it's few men........that's a red flag.

Regardless of my initial spark.......I would still take my time and get to know the person well. I also wouldn't jump into bed with them for at least 3-6 months (that seems to speed things up/put relationship into over drive and our perception gets screwed up).

2+ years and the spark is still there after the honeymoon there, sure, marriage it is. 

I see no problem


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Depends on options. I'll choose younger and no kids over older with kids if I have the option, all else being equal. Having kids wouldn't be an automatic deal breaker though. It depends on how much of herself she retains vs living just for the kids.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

I kind of see this from both sides actually. I personally don’t have a problem with it as I dated than married my wife already having a daughter. But I understand where Scarlet is coming from on her post. The parent of that child most likely will always be a presence in your relationship. It can cause tension. The father of my step daughter is real POS and would constantly use his daughter as a pawn just to get over on my wife. 

Growing up my mom dated a guy she would eventually marry that was flat out made it known to her that he would not accept her as a package deal. It was not an option. Hence she left to be with him and got married. At least he was upfront about it.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> not a guy but I can tell you I would never marry a man with children again...been there and done that nightmare. Age wouldn't even be a factor.I wouldn't marry him if he was 28 with a kid and I wouldn't marry him at 38 with a kid.
> 
> DH had no problem marrying me knowing I have a child though.I think he would have married me even if I was in my mid-late 30's with a kid.
> 
> My ex's ex is 50 w/a teenager and she has had 3 men propose to her within a span of 10 years.


I'm not criticizing here but I find it interesting that you wouldn't marry a man who had children from a previous marriage but your husband married you and you had a child from a previous marriage.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm not criticizing here but I find it interesting that you wouldn't marry a man who had children from a previous marriage but your husband married you and you had a child from a previous marriage.


We're different people,that's all I can say.My son doesn't live with me full time either so I'm sure that factored into DH's decision to accept my situation. I certainly wasn't expecting any man without a child to accept my situation it just happened that I got lucky.

ETA I married DH knowing that at any time his parents could become unable to care for his very young niece and she would become his responsibility. I'd gladly take on the responsibility of raising her with him bc there would be no baby mama drama,no former life issues,and I wouldn't have to deal with any of the unfairness that occasionally comes with step parenting.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> . I have limitations in what I can handle and what I'm willing to handle.


It is so healthy for all of us to know our limits and be upfront with them. The best thing we can do is be honest with ourselves.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I wouldn't have any problem at all marrying a woman with kids. As long as we got along. In fact when my divorce is final and IF I ever think about marrying again, I wouldn't marry a woman my age who's never been married before. Or probably any woman who never had kids. Just for compatibility reasons.

I had my kids at 36 and 39 so I'm in the minority now at 51 still raising kids. Most women my age are looking for someone who's kids are grown and gone. Kinda sucks.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

seems odd that this is statistical. The 'pool' of women and the divorce rate kind of implies that after 30, a D woman and a D man would end up marrying. just makes sense mathmatically.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> My daughter married for the first time when she was 19. She had a child 4 months old. 15 months later she had another child (same dad). 14 months later she moved back home and divorced and lived with us for 5 years.
> 
> She met a man on match.com (9 years her senior who had never been married...though he had lived with a woman for several years... and had no children) They married 3 months later. He was 36 she was 27...with two kids 7 and 6. One is bi polar and one is physically handicapped.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing. Very sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter's baby.


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## Luvmyjava (Feb 9, 2014)

If this helps... Recently separated with 2 girls 10, 15. My stbx wife had no problem at the age of 39 meeting someone.
I, myself am involved with a woman my age with 2 daughters 15, 20.

Never crossed my mind.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

BeachGuy said:


> I wouldn't have any problem at all marrying a woman with kids. As long as we got along. In fact when my divorce is final and IF I ever think about marrying again, I wouldn't marry a woman my age who's never been married before. Or probably any woman who never had kids. Just for compatibility reasons.
> 
> I had my kids at 36 and 39 so I'm in the minority now at 51 still raising kids. Most women my age are looking for someone who's kids are grown and gone. Kinda sucks.


Interesting take on it. I thought the same way. I didn't want to marry a man at that age who had never been married and never had kids. Didn't know men would think of it this way. 

Basically, this thread has so far defied the "stats" or fake stats if you will because I didn't have any to present!


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> The statement about these women seldom remarrying was undoubtedly put together by a manwith an inflated sense of entitlement and his own self worth.


Oh, undoubtedly. I'm sure there have been studies on it. 

Here:










Women remarry at lower rates than men. Remarriage rates are declining for both men and women. However, when divorced men remarry, they usually marry a woman much younger than their ex-wife. When divorced women remarry, they usually marry a man much older than their ex-husband.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Eagle3 said:


> Growing up my mom dated a guy she would eventually marry that was flat out made it known to her that he would not accept her as a package deal. It was not an option. Hence she left to be with him and got married. At least he was upfront about it.


That is heart breaking, I'm so sorry to hear.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

DoF said:


> That is heart breaking, I'm so sorry to hear.


Yes, it is. @ Eagle3: I'm sorry your mom had to make that choice. Very harsh.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Omego said:


> If you had "that" feeling about a woman, you know the one where you say "I don't want to let this one get away", would the fact that she had kids from a previous marriage stop you? Or, to take the idea even further, would you not even bother dating, let alone enter into a committed relationship with a woman who already had kids from a previous marriage?


I was 25 when I married a 36-yo with a 13-yo son. We've been together for just shy of 18 years, and in a few weeks, we'll hit 16 years married. My three previous girlfriends before Lady Convection were all in their 20s, never married, no kids. For what that's worth.

Even though my 3-yo granddaughter melts my heart, I am not much of a "kid person," and never regretted not having my own. I knew I wanted to be with my W, and accepted her kid came with her. If her kid has been massively dysfunctional or a criminal, it would have weight in my decision to legally bind with her, but only weight. It's just one facet of the decision.

It worked out okay. Our son and I are relatively close and I have always treated him as my blood but because he was older when we met and still has abandonment issues from his father, I've never received the 100% dad vibe from him. It is what it is.

YMMV.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MSP said:


> When divorced women remarry, they usually marry a man much older than their ex-husband.


Oh good. There's still hope for me to find an old man. :rofl:


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Convection said:


> I was 25 when I married a 36-yo with a 13-yo son. We've been together for just shy of 18 years, and in a few weeks, we'll hit 16 years married. My three previous girlfriends before Lady Convection were all in their 20s, never married, no kids. For what that's worth.
> 
> Even though my 3-yo granddaughter melts my heart, I am not much of a "kid person," and never regretted not having my own. I knew I wanted to be with my W, and accepted her kid came with her. If her kid has been massively dysfunctional or a criminal, it would have weight in my decision to legally bind with her, but only weight. It's just one facet of the decision.
> 
> ...



Wow. To me this seems to be the exception. Way back in the dark ages when I was 25, I can't remember any of the guys I knew being anywhere near mature enough to be married, let alone take on a ready-made family. Nice story.

I hear you on the step-kid issue. My step-son is polite and distant.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

In the reverse situation, if I found myself single, I am wouldn't even bother. A single male with two teenage sons and one who has a mental disability. It would be unfair to ask of any woman to deal with that scenario. So, I don't see this specific to women. I would date, but would make it clear about my situation.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

My limits come from how much time she spends with the kiddo and custody arrangement. Anything more than 50% custody and I need to know they family,sitters,friends, will be available to watch them so we can go out and enjoy our social life. For some women I have dated that works and others no. But just having a kid isn't an automatic deal breaker


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> It's my life so it's my choice.I'm sharing my experience and what I personally wouldn't do.How is that a generalization? A generalization would have been something like "Ladies NEVER marry a man with children! You'll regret it!!"
> Just because I found it to be a nightmare and would never do it again doesn't mean other women can't find it delightful and worth trying.


You did make a generalization in suggesting that marrying a man with kids is a nightmare. I now take it that you meant that it wasn't right for you or that you just ended up in a bad situation and that they surely aren't all that way.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> It's funny that you said this
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well not exactly. I know what I am generally looking for but that would not rule out something different if someone great came along. And I wouldn't paint a whole relationship category as being a bad combination. Not right for me or I made a bad choice or my needs changed or it was different once I got in it would all work better me thinks.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> not a guy but I can tell you *I *would never marry a man with children again...been there and done that nightmare. Age wouldn't even be a factor.*I* wouldn't marry him if he was 28 with a kid and *I* wouldn't marry him at 38 with a kid.
> 
> DH had no problem marrying me knowing I have a child though.I think he would have married me even if I was in my mid-late 30's with a kid.
> 
> My ex's ex is 50 w/a teenager and she has had 3 men propose to her within a span of 10 years.





Shoto1984 said:


> You did make a generalization in suggesting that marrying a man with kids is a nightmare. I now take it that you meant that it wasn't right for you or that you just ended up in a bad situation and that they surely aren't all that way.


My understanding of a generalization would be to take my bad situation and tell others not to repeat my mistake bc it'll happen to them too. 

I didn't do that here at all. See the part where I say *I* would never? Nowhere did I say *YOU* should never which would have been a definite generalization. 

You're looking for something that isn't there simply bc you feel offended at my choice to never marry a man with kids. My choice doesn't have anything to do with you personally so there's no need to get offended over it and seek to find things that aren't there.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

The generalization is that your word choice suggests that all marriages to men with children are nightmares. Regardless, we can agree to disagree


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

_I kind of see this from both sides actually. I personally don’t have a problem with it as I dated than married my wife already having a daughter*. But I understand where Scarlet is coming from on her post.* The parent of that child most likely will always be a presence in your relationship. It can cause tension. The father of my step daughter is real POS and would constantly use his daughter as a pawn just to get over on my wife. _

Scarlet, looking back on my post i feel i should not have assumed i knew where you were coming from and hope that is not what is causing some confusion with people on your posts on this thread. 

My apologies if this is the case.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Shoto1984 said:


> Regardless, we can agree to disagree


yes,lets do that.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Eagle3 said:


> _I kind of see this from both sides actually. I personally don’t have a problem with it as I dated than married my wife already having a daughter*. But I understand where Scarlet is coming from on her post.* The parent of that child most likely will always be a presence in your relationship. It can cause tension. The father of my step daughter is real POS and would constantly use his daughter as a pawn just to get over on my wife. _
> 
> Scarlet, looking back on my post i feel i should not have assumed i knew where you were coming from and hope that is not what is causing some confusion with people on your posts on this thread.
> 
> My apologies if this is the case.


You're fine,you did absolutely nothing wrong or offensive  No worries!


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

I'm almost 30 and have no kids and have never married.

My girlfriend is 26 with a 4 year old girl that was a result of birth control failure and whose sperm donor is absent from her life.

I would have never imagined myself with her a year ago and if you had told me that this would happen I would have laughed in your face. This was mostly because I had bought into disgusting stereotypes about what a 26 year old single mom is supposed to be like.

But she is the hottest, most interesting, funniest (most women aren't, sorry ladies ) and most caring woman I have ever met. She has her life together much more so than the childless 25-30 year old girls I know. She's learned from tough experience about life. It's amazing to be able to spend hours together before and after sex talking about everything there is to talk about. That's when you know you are opening up to a person.

The kid is cute as can be and isn't a problem. It's fun to be a kid sometimes. 

Women like her are not doomed. Certainly, there are single moms who are hot messes but there are just as many childless hot messes. Men need to learn to just evaluate women for who they are and to appreciate an amazing catch when they get one.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Last year when my wife was really ill and things were looking pretty bad she joked that my next wife was going to be a homely looking woman because nobody would want me because we have so many kids. I got a chuckle out of it. Even when things were bleak she still had a sense of humor. Really glad she recovered. I don't want a homely wife.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

ntamph said:


> Women like her are not doomed. Certainly, there are single moms who are hot messes but there are just as many childless hot messes. Men need to learn to just evaluate women for who they are and to appreciate an amazing catch when they get one.



Parental status is just one of about a million and twelve points where people are or are not compatible. Kids are definitely not for me, so I wouldn't date a guy with kids. I also wouldn't date a guy who worked a schedule opposite of mine. Or a guy not as goal oriented as I am. In the end there are a lot of things to consider that go far, far past reproductive status.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Omego said:


> Statistics say that a divorced woman, over 30, with children, is unlikely to remarry. Her market value is near nil. I haven't really spent time researching it, but that's what I've gleaned from random internet articles, forums, etc.
> 
> I was that woman, mid 30s, divorced, kids. I met my husband, we fell madly in love (I really think it was love at first sight) and he married me. He said he knew he was lost during the first date. Really romantic. It really was that simple.
> 
> ...


Boy, it seems like they followed a trend.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Omego said:


> Statistics say that a divorced woman, over 30, with children, is unlikely to remarry.
> 
> Her market value is near nil.


OR-- she doesn't EVER, EVER want to be married again. EVER did I say that?!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> OR-- she doesn't EVER, EVER want to be married again. EVER did I say that?!




Like NEVER EVER?


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

_I wish my (former) step-father could have had courage to say "I don't want to father your daughter anymore", to my mom when I was about 7 (the age I can remember him becoming very distant from me). Long story very short; my life would have been so much better if I had been raised by my grandparents.

As your mom left with the new guy; were you raised by grandparents_? 

No I lived in foster homes for about 4 years than my Aunt got custody and i lived with her till I went off to college.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> Like NEVER EVER?


That's right! 

Why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Four years is a long time, Eagle.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Since I consider my last experience in raising children to not be a rip roaring success, I would be reluctant to remarry in any event. But, I doubt that I would be any less so eager to do it if a lady did have children of her own.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

At my age, finding a single woman without kids who was age appropriate (within 10 years of my age) is very unlikely. It is most likely that she is sterile if that were the case.

So no, kids aren't a deal breaker. We established that in that locked threat of jld in General, didn't we?

HOWEVER, it is a package deal and working with the ex, the kids etc makes these relationships HARDER not easier. So I can see where the success rate is rather low.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

BeachGuy said:


> I wouldn't have any problem at all marrying a woman with kids. As long as we got along. In fact when my divorce is final and IF I ever think about marrying again, I wouldn't marry a woman my age who's never been married before. Or probably any woman who never had kids. Just for compatibility reasons.
> 
> I had my kids at 36 and 39 so I'm in the minority now at 51 still raising kids. Most women my age are looking for someone who's kids are grown and gone. Kinda sucks.


Me too. I had mine at 23, 26, 39 and 42.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I don't want kids. EVER! 
Working in a grocery store for close to 3 years has completely KILLED that desire. 
So no, I would never marry a woman over 30 with kids. Even when I reach my 30's, I wouldn't marry one with kids.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Omego said:


> Statistics say that a divorced woman, over 30, with children, is unlikely to remarry. Her market value is near nil. I haven't really spent time researching it, but that's what I've gleaned from random internet articles, forums, etc...If you had "that" feeling about a woman, you know the one where you say "I don't want to let this one get away", would the fact that she had kids from a previous marriage stop you? Or, to take the idea even further, would you not even bother dating, let alone enter into a committed relationship with a woman who already had kids from a previous marriage?


I married just before turning 28, which was about 3 years later than the male average at the time. In my single years, I had an absolute policy of not dating women with kids, since I had repeatedly seen what a disaster that is in the case of marriage. I was called "unfair" by some mothers. I did date divorced girls, but not with an eye to marriage. I'm sure some of those girls would have been great, but let's face it, second marriages are even less successful (statistically) than first marriages.

Now, that is IMHO a good policy for young never married man. However, for a guy in his early 50's, who has a young outlook, a good physique, and some modicum of success, a 30 year old woman with a couple of kids might be just the ticket. He's already raised his own kids, so his posterity is not an issue.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> I had an absolute policy of not dating women with kids, since I had repeatedly seen what a disaster that is in the case of marriage. I was called "unfair" by some mothers. I did date divorced girls, but not with an eye to marriage. I'm sure some of those girls would have been great, but let's face it, second marriages are even less successful (statistically) than first marriages.
> 
> Now, that is IMHO a good policy for young never married man. However, for a guy in his early 50's, who has a young outlook, a good physique, and some modicum of success, a 30 year old woman with a couple of kids might be just the ticket. He's already raised his own kids, so his posterity is not an issue.


It is definitely more difficult trying to navigate the new relationship with kids who are not one's own especially when upbringing is not the same. I've seen the stats about second marriages. There has to be a lot of love to manage, IMHO.

When I was in my mid 30s, I didn't want a guy who was 50! But yes, I see this scenario quite often.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Last year when my wife was really ill and things were looking pretty bad she joked that my next wife was going to be a homely looking woman because nobody would want me because we have so many kids. I got a chuckle out of it. Even when things were bleak she still had a sense of humor. Really glad she recovered. I don't want a homely wife.


LOL. I went on few dates before I met my handsome H. I remember one guy said that he had had date with a woman who had 6 children. It wasn't a complete deal breaker for him AND he wasn't homely either.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

intheory said:


> @scarlettbegonias
> 
> " . . .It's about dealing with the mother of the child. . . "
> ***********
> ...


This is my drama queen SIL. She's constantly fighting with him in court for more child support and always belittling any woman he gets involved with. Of course, everything is his fault and she's just an victim. He has to be wondering WTH he saw in her. Thankfully their kids are mostly well-adjusted (the one is very well-adjusted, the other has some issues but isn't a bad kid). I can't stand the mention of her name for a number of reasons, and most people that come in contact with her can't stand her.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

It's a long story but yeah, I married a woman 35 with a child and it was the best move I've ever made.

Been married 22 years and I'm still in love with her.

My attitude was, I'm not going to find a woman my age (35) that didn't have kids. I wanted kids and the way I figured it, a woman who made it to 35 without kids... well, kinda made me nervous.

Her having a child didn't slow me down at all. Because, I was head over heels in love.

However, in hind sight. Her daughter as 12 when we married. That's a rough age to jump into parenthood... with no experience.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I know a few men who have married women that already had kids. In nearly every case the man has become a fantastic father whom the kids love and respect, and things have worked out beautifully.

I have a special kind of respect for guys like that. Real champs.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Forest said:


> I know a few men who have married women that already had kids. In nearly every case the man has become a fantastic father whom the kids love and respect, and things have worked out beautifully.
> 
> I have a special kind of respect for guys like that. Real champs.


I would have been a fantastic step-father except my step-daughter's father wouldn't permit it.

He demanded joint custody. Got it. He had visitation every other weekend... He'd tell her on Thursday about all the big plans he had with her for the weekend... Then, I watched weekend after weekend... she'd get dressed up... her bag packed and she'd sit... and sit... and sit... and sit. and maybe 3 weekends in 3 years he actually picked her up.

At the same time, he convinced her that if she so much as smiled at me... it was a stab in his heart.. If she wanted a relationship with him.. she had to totally reject me.

At the same time, she was watching me doting on my children and she wanted that kind of relationship with her dad. 

It was very educational for me. I saw has desperate little girls are for their daddy's attention. 

I felt sorry for my step... I really did... but I was rejected at every opportunity...

Maybe if I had gotten in earlier, when she was smaller, things might have been different.

For along time, she wouldn't even speak to me at family gatherings. And, I did far more for her than her father ever did. I did and I did and I did for her and never got any credit from her. 


Today, 22 years later, she has finally recognized that her father is a total jerk. The ice sickles are begining to thaw.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm not criticizing here but I find it interesting that you wouldn't marry a man who had children from a previous marriage but your husband married you and you had a child from a previous marriage.


Different standards are not necessarily double standards.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

hambone said:


> I would have been a fantastic step-father except my step-daughter's father wouldn't permit it.
> 
> 
> For along time, she wouldn't even speak to me at family gatherings. And, I did far more for her than her father ever did. I did and I did and I did for her and never got any credit from her.


I admire your patience and ability to put your values into practice. It's really too bad about those kind of parents: using their children as pawns....


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Omego said:


> I admire your patience and ability to put your values into practice. It's really too bad about those kind of parents: using their children as pawns....


Her dad was much more concerned about causing her mother problems... than what was best for his child.


Just recently, last two weeks, he sent his daughter a letter saying he was disowning her... never wants to see or speak to her again.

My step did everything in her power to please her father growing up... and he always had an excuse... he always blamed her for his failures. He made it her fault that he wasn't a part of her life in reality, he didn't want to be a part of her life.

Her dad was her knight in shining armor. I could have understood that if he lived 1,000 miles away but, he lived about 1/2 mile away. Reality just kept slapping her in the face and she ignored it.

I felt so sorry for her. We'd go out to eat... invite her but, "My DADDDY is coming to take me to eat!!!!!" Yeah, well, we'd get back from eating and she'd still be sitting there... waiting. She'd be crushed for 3 or 4 days... then the weekend would come and she called her daddy and he's coming to pick her up Friday... She's all excited... and guess what? He wouldn't show up... She'd be angry and didn't care if she ever saw him again... That would last about 3 days until she spoke to him and "He's coming to pick me up!!!" She'd look forward to it... she'd be on cloud nine and guess what? He wouldn't show up.

He did that to her from the time I married her mother until Christmas of her Junior year in HS. He was a state trooper. He worked nights, weekends and holidays. He lured her to come live with him by promising a new red sports car convertible, a new bedroom suite and he'd pay for her to go to college. She bit! I think the real attraction was lack of supervision. She lived with him until she turned 18 where upon he turned on her I(he was no longer responsible for paying child support) .. calling her names you wouldn't call your worst enemy. He made it impossible for her to continue living there. I told her she could move back in with us.. under one condition... she had to publically apologize for all the nasty (and untrue) things she said about me.. She made me her whipping boy. She was mad at her dad but she took out her frustrations on me. She has never been able to say she was wrong and apologize about anything... she got that trait from her father. So she did something really stupid. She got married to a guy she'd known for almost a month. That's another story.

And those promises he made, the sports car, bedroom suite and college.... he bought her a 1972 Toyota truck..no air, no radio, and she had to carry radiator fluid everywhere she went. When she moved out, her clothes were still in cardboard boxes. And college... When step lived with us, she had like a 3.9 gpa on a 4pt scale. I have seen her start a term paper at 9pm the night before it was due and make an A. If she were motivated, she could have been valedictorian. My wife got a phone call about 2 weeks before graduation. Step's not going to graduate. She needs a D in senior English and she doesn't have it. She had all F's. After some negotiation, they gave her 2 weeks extra to get enough stuff turned in to make a D. She graduated but did get to participate in any of the graduation ceremonies.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

hambone said:


> Her dad was much more concerned about causing her mother prob I told her she could move back in with us.. under one condition... she had to publically apologize for all the nasty (and untrue) things she said about me.. She made me her whipping boy. She was mad at her dad but she took out her frustrations on me. She has never been able to say she was wrong and apologize about anything... she got that trait from her father.


Clearly a very troubled, traumatized child. BUT, the mother should have insisted that your conditions be met. I hope they will from now on. Seems like you've gone beyond the call of duty.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Omego said:


> Clearly a very troubled, traumatized child. BUT, the mother should have insisted that your conditions be met. I hope they will from now on. Seems like you've gone beyond the call of duty.


She backed me on apologizing. When she wouldn't apologize, she didn't move back in.


Me, having never been a parent, and having no female siblings or cousins (the only females in our family where married in), I had no idea about how to handle her. Therefore I let my wife handle all the discipline... after all, she was my wife's child.

But, one of my step's favorite things to say to me was, "You are NOT my father... " That was her mantra.

And, her chief complaint was that I didn't treat her like I did my own kids. Well duh!!! Trying to get close to her was like trying to hug a cactus.

I was the one at all her concerts, plays, awards day ceremonies etc. etc. etc. Her father never showed up for anything.

After we married, she was angry that it ended all hope that her mom and dad might get back together. Well, her dad left her mom for another woman and he married her way before her mom and I married. But, LOL I got the blame for that.

In a way, her mother contributed to the problem. She kept making excuses for her dad... trying to make him look good... when he didn't show up..."He probably got called in to work" etc. calling him and reminding him of her birthday etc. In hindsight, we should have let her see him in all his ugliness. Not make him look bad... just let her see the real him all the time.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I turned 30 this year. I have 3 kids. Currently, I am married but we have so many issues I'm not sure the marriage is going to make it. My H seems hellbent on not working anything out.

I was so depressed when I hit 30 because I felt like a washed up old hag...an overreaction I know. I still hate knowing that I am no longer attractive just because of my age. Bleh. 

If my H and I do end up in divorce, I am not sure I would want to marry again anyway. I would want my place, my things, my kids, my time...to myself. No more trying to impress someone on a daily basis. It's exhausting. This marriage has ruined me in feeling that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. I don't want to do that again. I would be doing the potential future man a favor.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Me too. I had mine at 23, 26, 39 and 42.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


<raises hand>

We have 8 kids, and the last one was born when I was 44.

We _have_ to keep our marriage together. Both of us are going to be in trouble in the dating world.


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## MysteryMan1 (Nov 4, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> My limits come from how much time she spends with the kiddo and custody arrangement. Anything more than 50% custody and I need to know they family,sitters,friends, will be available to watch them so we can go out and enjoy our social life. For some women I have dated that works and others no. But just having a kid isn't an automatic deal breaker


I agree with this 100%. I've dated a woman with kids and it was rough because more often then not she always had at least one of them. Makes it hard to do or plan anything.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> I turned 30 this year. I have 3 kids. Currently, I am married but we have so many issues I'm not sure the marriage is going to make it. My H seems hellbent on not working anything out.
> 
> I was so depressed when I hit 30 because I felt like a washed up old hag...an overreaction I know. I still hate knowing that I am no longer attractive just because of my age. Bleh.
> 
> If my H and I do end up in divorce, I am not sure I would want to marry again anyway. I would want my place, my things, my kids, my time...to myself. No more trying to impress someone on a daily basis. It's exhausting. This marriage has ruined me in feeling that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. I don't want to do that again. I would be doing the potential future man a favor.


If you find yourself single, just be yourself. If someone falls in love with you for who you genuinely are... you don't have to try to impress them daily. 

I am convinced that you can make someone like you.. but you can't make them love you. It just has to happen.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

It all depends on the mans situation.

if he is 30+ in age and divorced with kids of his own im sure he wont have a second thought about marrying a women with kids who is older.

But if he is younger doesnt have kids and has never been married chances are he will hold out for a women who is single without kids, or at least divorced without kids.


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