# A real crossroad in my life!!!!



## midwestshopgrl (Sep 24, 2010)

Hello to all! I am brand new to the online forums and would like to apologize in advance for any rambling nonsense that I will most certainly have in my text. My story is long and I will try to not jump around alot. I have been married to my college sweethart for 18 years now. We have 3 beautiful children, a successful business and overall a good life. I have always been a very emotional, affectionate person and my husband is quite the opposite. He is very to himself, private and claims that he really doesnt need to kiss, or have phyical contact (holding hands, hugs, snuggling- human touch) I think that in the 20 years that we have been together he has told me that he loves me a dozen times. He has other ways of showing his feelings which have been fine until now. Through all of our years together, we have had fairly emotionless relationship that has not been by my choice. I have always wanted more and by his admission always tried harder but have had to try to accept him and our marriage as it was.Because he has always been like this over the years i have just dealt with it and decided that maybe i was just wanting a "fairy tale" relationship that only existed in the movies-I was just being unrealistic. Two years ago my husband set up a new vendor for our business and the sales rep was a woman. The company that this woman works for is in SC so it wasnt local, but over the course of two years there professional relationship got quite unprofessional. I became very uncomfortable with the two of them early on and told my husband about it right away. He of course got defensive and said that they had nothing more than a business relationship. At that time I do believe that to be true. I just hated how much time he spent with her on the phone. It was during business hours but their conversations often morphed from business to joking about each other and just being casual. I was uncomfortable with this because he talked with her in a manor that he never talked to me. Eventually the during business hours contact turned into texting and phone calls after hours. To the best of my knowledge, january of 2010 was the romantic turning point. It was during a business trip to Las Vegas that things woke up. We were at a trade show in which the company that this woman works for attends and during this trip i found that while my husband and i were out enjoying our evening, he and her were exchanging texts and she sent him a drunken i love you text. Of course I lost it. When we got home i discovered an email in which he had addressed her by a stupid nick name-sweet baby girl- I have been with this man for 20 years and do you think I have a nick name?! When i discovered this i contacted her supervisor and demanded a new sales rep. for the 2 years prior to this i had asked my husband to get a new sales rep but he wouldnt do it. Me contacting the supervisor infuriated my husband which of course made things even worse. The contact between this woman and my husband increased and I did finally ask him to move out, which he finally did for about 2 weeks. During all of this, I was and still am devestated, heart-broken, destroyed!!! I became very irrational, checking his phone, emails etc. He felt that he needed his privacy with her so much that he went out and bought a new phone that only she new of. I only found out about it because while i was snooping into a cell phone record I saw that she had texted him so I texted her. Like some little child, she immediately texted my husband on his other phone telling on me. When he confronted me about it I couldnt figure out how he was in touch with her so I searched his truck and found the other phone. Again, another devestating blow to my heart. My husband needed this other woman so much in his life that he went out and bought a phone that not even our children had the number to! WOW! The phone company was supposed to send the bills of his new phone to a different address but they accidently sent one to the house so i was able to see the phone number. Through more snooping I discovered that the voicemail password was the same as his other phone so i started checking his voicemail and found several messages from her saying how much she loves him and on and on. This is a woman that my husband has only met in person one time! This entire "thing" has been over the phone! Since January my husband and I have gone at each over and over again. My husband is a good man. He is a hard worker and takes very good care of this family but emotionally he is void. He has told me that over the years things that i have said to him have made him not trust me. There have been times that during fights I have threatened divorce and so has he. He says that this has obviously effected him more than he realized. He has always set up our marriage for failure. Even now he says that he knows the kids and I would be better off without him-happier. He tells me that he just isnt the person that i want him to be-he is referring to the affection and emotion. What i dont get is why he was able to emotionally connect with a stranger over the phone who is 2000 miles away but not with me? What have i done that is so wrong that I didnt get the nick name or i love you? Why when i try to hold his hand is his first reaction to pull away? When we lay in bed i go to him-never does he grab me. Why her and not me! We really are trying to change things with our family. We take sundays off to spend with each other and our kids and mondays to spend with each other without the kids-they are all school age. We do try to talk about us sometimes but it is hard because my heart is destroyed! I cant seem to get these feelings of rejection out of my head. Like I said before, for 20 years I put my need for emotion and human touch, affection on the way back burner and now that he has shown he does have this emotional need, I am just beating myself up over why not with me?! We do spend almost all of our time together because we work together but I still desire his touch during and at the end of the day. he has told me that it is hard for him to think romanticly about me when he sees me, no joke, 24 hours a day 7 days a week. There must be something wrong with me right? I dont know if he just doesnt want to be married to me but because of his feeling of obligation to his family wont divorce me or what. What i do know is I cannot go another 20 years denying myself my needs. I know that marriage is not easy-it is a job but I just thought that he would grow closer to me and that over time the romance would come. We were 17 and 18 yrs old when we started dating so romance and emotion wasnt really expected. I know that he is trying to make changes in his life. neither of us is the same person that we were 20 years ago. He admits that he is changing. Taking days off of work is a change for him. We both have been trying to get into better shape and eat better and get the kids to eat better-little things but good things.I know that he has to work on himself before he can truely work on us but I dont know what to do to keep my sanity through all of this. I love this man dearly and have never been ashamed or afraid to express it but i dont know how much more i can keep giving without receiving back in a manner that I NEED and WANT! Is that wrong? I do not want to break up our family! My parents divorced when I was a teenager so I know how difficult divorce is. If we choose divorce it would be beyond difficult! We have soooo much to loose so I really do not know what to do. Is my happiness really worth the upheaval that I would cause four other people?


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm sorry, I can tell you are really hurting. Definitely don't give up yet. 

Both of you should take the five love languages assessment by Gary Chapman. (You can google it.) (I'm guessing that you are physical touch and he is words of affirmation.) Then start working on on meeting each others needs. Is your husband willing to do that? It seems like he's resigned to think that he is who he is and can't be bothered to change to meet your needs. But that's part of being a husband. Just as a wife should try to meet the needs of her husband. Needs are needs. Change isn't easy though, so try to be patient and keep your eyes open for even small steps.

Perhaps you could agree to be more physical with each other, but at certain times, or not at work....whatever would make him more comfortable/likely to be more affectionate?

Do you spend any time as a couple, enjoying each other's company? A date night would be a good way for you to maintain a connection. 

Since you spend 24/7 with each other, it might be a good idea to spend some time apart occasionally? You know, absence makes the heart grow fonder....and all that. You go to dinner with some girlfriends, and he can go play golf, or something.


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## midwestshopgrl (Sep 24, 2010)

Hello and thank you for the help! I will look up that information today. He really is convinced that I chose wrong when I chose him and that he is not the person/man that I want him to be, but he also recognizes that he along with the rest of us is changing and not the same person he was 20 yrs ago. I do agree that we need to spend some time apart which is very hard for me because I do not trust him at all right now. I know that this is something that I have to work on but this emotional connection that he thinks he made with this person has really shaken me to the core. We did have a date night about 3 weeks ago and it was great! We went out dancing with other couples. My husband doesnt dance so he sat at the table and chatted and i got up and let my hair down. I think we both really enjoyed the evening. He does admit that he has not been considerate of my needs and has pretty much taken me for grantid so I am hoping that he will be receptive to trying new things to help save us. I guess that is a good start! Thank you again for the words of encouragement-it means alot!


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

So, does your H still contact this other woman? Even for business?

If there are still issues with the affair, you might ask the people on the infidelity thread. There are some very knowledgeable people on the subject.


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## midwestshopgrl (Sep 24, 2010)

As far as I know he hasnt been in contact nor she with him since the end of June. I directly asked him and he said no. I have asked him many details about this affair and he has answered without reluctance. He really isnt known to be a liar so I tend to believe him. If he is in contact with her, it would have to be an email or cell phone that I am unaware of. As far as the business part of it, I got us a new rep back in Feb. I just couldnt take it anymore knowing that as a sales rep she was actually making money off of us while knowingly breaking up a family. I will get on the infidelity thread and ask for advice as well.
Thank You!


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## Trinity763 (Oct 11, 2010)

If he was willing to get another phone that only they knew about be careful!


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## midwestshopgrl (Sep 24, 2010)

Trinity763 said:


> If he was willing to get another phone that only they knew about be careful!


Is there any way to find that out? I am really trying to give things alot of thought and consideration and the last thing i want to find out is if i try to keep this marrige going it was in vain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## midwestshopgrl (Sep 24, 2010)

Well, I think I have finally gotten the last bit of brutal honesty that I apparantly needed in order to do something about my pathetic life. Last night my husband finally did something that he says he would have gone to his grave with and that is tell me that he doesnt want to be with me and that he never wanted to be with me. I know that I am not a perfect person but I honestly only wanted us to be closer and have a better marriage. I am an affectionate person and have only ever tried to show him love and affection. When he rejects me i get mad and of course have said things that i should not have but NEVER have I just woken up and said "hey I just dont want to be with you anymore and I want a divorce!" Yes, over an 18 year marriage i have asked him to leave during many of the heated fights that we have had and yes he has done the same to me, but somehow I am the villian here! Somehow I am the one who cant be trusted! He has the affairs and Im the one who is not trusted! How is that possible!!! Anyway, I think it is time for me to stop trying to be in and have a relationship with a man that for years has beaten around the bush about his real feelings or lack thereof for me and set him free! Most people would have gotten the hint after years of rejection and affairs, but I guess I just needed to hear those dreaded words so that my heart would finally be able to say enough is enough. I just dont understand how giving yourself so completely has backfired so badly! I cant believe that I have made this man so unhappy!


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm SO sorry! It is SO wrong for him to take vows and promise to share a life with you, then tell you after two decades that it's not what he wanted. Even worse that he is deflecting and making it out to be your fault. Don't fall for his nonsense for a second. For one thing, he probably did want to be with you at one time or he wouldn't have married, so don't believe that. He is probably telling himself and you these things because he knows he's to blame but he won't accept it. Don't let him shirk responsibility and blame you for things not working. He had a lot of years to tell you how he felt. Instead he had an affair and tried to escape culpability by trying to get you to think that you didn't want to be with him. 

Again, I am so sorry for how this is turning out. I can't tell you how angry it makes me when someone gives their commitment to another only to pull this B.S. Instead of wasting time with him you could have found a man that wants to be with you and give you the affection you crave. At least now you will be free to find that person.


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## midwestshopgrl (Sep 24, 2010)

I guess it really is time to move on. I am so hurt because as with so many of us, i love him so deeply! never in my life have i given myself so completely! it hurts so much! i will never understand!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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