# Want to hear from Men who PREFER dominant women IN BED...



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband IS one of these men, and I find little information about this in books, the net. Because I personally love the idea of being Dominated in bed myself, I have explored, sought answers to how to change/mold him into this Alpha Dominant male as others may have graced my posts & struggle. He may not be my total fantasy, but He IS enough & we are GOOD together. Thankfully I am naturally 
aggressive & dominate in & out of the bedroom, but I can stand to learn alot more. And be more comfortable in these shoes to make it better for both of us. 

I now want to concentrate on exploring how to TAP into what some of HIS Fantasies might be or other men LIKE THIS, he is not much of a talker, but is up for anything, so here I am asking. I just want to better 
understand THE MIND of a male who WANTS/DESIRES this. This will also help me be more *secure* in going these places with him. 

I have come to the conclusion this has MORE to do with fantasies & sexual preferences than any discussion about WEAK men, men who need more aggression to get by in life successfully or what you may find in such books as "No more Mr. Nice Guy" , "Hold on to your Nuts" , Alpha Male books. 

I have went to amazon & read reviews of such books, some feel it is too black & white on it's theology of feeling ALL men are like these stero-types. Even though I have NOT read them, I do not feel it would help me or him to read anything that will make him feel LESS than normal, or wrong for the way he thinks, acts or desires.  I have felt a sinking feeling sometimes reading such posts (sorry Big Bad Wolf) feeling I am DOOMED as a wife because I can NOT change my man into this Fiery Aggressor who will grab me, throw me down on the bed, rip my clothes off in passion & talk dirty to me all night. (I am exaggerating of coarse). 

Not sure IF these books even mention Sexual Fantasies and what turns some men on ??---this is what I am seeking here with this thread. I would guess that these books DO NOT mention such men, since their emphasis is on BEING in charge, the persuer of all things. My husband IS a responsible man who is mentally stable , financially well off , a good father, has friends, close family and we have a satisfying sex life. 

About him , he has always been attracted to "mean" women, I have always laughed at this-he is the complete opposite of this, sweetness incarnate, quiet, compliant, patient. 

In bed He wants ME on top , He LOVES it when I initiate, He loves when I do anything -putting whatever in his face, He is just more in his glory if I take the lead. Once I was fighting with him, had his hands pinned, I was ontop , mad look on my face & he tells me "you're not going to like this but you are turning me on". 

He is strange sometimes. Just trying to figure him out. He is outside the box. 

If you know of any books touching on this subject , please do share (again, not about being an Alpha Male but about prefering a dominant women IN BED/fantasies). The only thing I have read in a book so far is 'Sheet music" , it compares 2 men ---
"Ted wants his wife to be the sexual aggressor. He loves it wen she pushes him over & jumps on top; it's the most thrilling thing he's ever known to watch his wife actively take part in the sexual act and actually work to find the postion where she receives the most stimulation. And when she's expressive about how good shes feeling , Ted can barely contain his excitement". THIS IS MY HUSBAND 100%

*Anyone else on here -do you fit this description?*


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

HI SA,

I certainly understand the "wanting to be dominated" part. I like it both ways.
I didnt get what you're trying to get to... If im right you want your turn also?
I'll wait for your answer... before I make any assumptions and blab on


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Maybe I just relay TOO much information in my posts. Of coarse I want this also (my turn), but no, that is not what I am asking here. 

I am just trying to better understand MEN who THINK like my husband, so I can better equip myself to meeting HIS desires. I have felt somewhat intimidated by being the Aggressor, since it is normally the Man who does this in most sexual situations, I have gotten hung up on this stero-type. 

He knows I want him to be more Dominant , he is working on it, but in the mean time, I want to focus on full-filling HIS deep desires since This obvioulsy turns HIM ON --and isn't that the ultimate goal ? Does it really matter who starts something If it all is amazingly enjoyable & ends in estatic ecstasy? 

I have spent too much time trying to change him instead of trying to better what *IS* working for us. I am more than happy to accomondate him & be this Sensual Seductress. 

*I just want to know if there are other men who WANT this MORE than being the Initiator & what you personally want from your wife?? Or women who are totally comfortable being in this role as well*.


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

Although I'm usually the initiator, and most often the 'dominant' in bed, I LOVE it when my wife takes the lead. More than anything for me it's knowing she's interested and doing the things SHE wants to do, I'll experiment with different things from time to time but can make the mistake of getting 'to routine', and it really wakes me up when she tries something new herself or simply takes the lead. 

Hope that's kind of what you're looking for, it sounds like your husband may be even more laid back than me (didn't know that existed!). Is he comfortable talking to you openly about this subject in general? If so make sure he knows how happy it makes you for him to show that aggression, and if he's anything at all like me that'll do the trick.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cowboy: My husband does not back away from talking, he just doesn't say much. We talk about EVERYTHING, I share every post I put on here with him, I read him replies. We talk about stuff I read in sex books. No lack of openness here. He is fully aware of what I want /desire. He is more laid back than most men -- Definetly. 

Sounds like you have the perfect balance in your sex life.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Nice777Guy: I just asked my husband if he has secret "fantasies" of taking control --NOPE, no such fantasies, it is always the woman coming on to him! 

I do know that since I was not that into sex in the past, he felt the "rejection" feelings you mention. But those days are sooo far long gone, he knows he will never be rejected again. 

He also used to feel if he said certain things in the bedroom, they might come off disrespectful , vulgar, but he says he can no longer use that excuse cause he knows I like that now. He has surprised me on a few occasions -which I loved. 

I would imagine it would be easier for YOU to carry out those dominant fantasies than my husband since you accually have them. 

Thank you for sharing.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Don't underestimate the power of rejection - no matter how long ago it was.

Don't all of us harbor some secret fantasies? I bet he's got something up there - but just asking him won't bring it out.

Somewhere around here is a thread that suggests making him give you a good old fashioned spanking could provide a spark.

And I have to admit that before reading this forum, I had no idea how many women want their men to be more aggressive in bed. 

Like I said, we were raised to be "nice."


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NG,
You can gradually push the envelope in terms of dominance. Step one is pure verbal - you start giving commands with a voice has a little edge to it. NOT angry, NOT hostile just a dominant edge. 

Step 2 is just raw physical control. You grab her wrists and pin her down and say "I am going to do xyz" 

Step 3 is you have taken physical control and now while holding her down demand acknowledgement on her part by saying to her "tell me you will do whatever I say" 

Step 4 Depends on what SHE does
- when my wife says "I will do whatever you want" - then I tell her what to do. 
- If she says "no" in a petulant voice - then I spank her - and repeat "tell me you will do whatever I say" 

To avoid a threadjack - you can reverse polarity here - give this to your wife and tell her to take the aggressor role. If my wife wanted to be the aggressor - that would be ok once in a while. 

I do think many guys are afraid to be alpha in bed - and if they just followed the gradual escalation above they would find out how much this makes their wives CRAZILY turned on. 





nice777guy said:


> I can relate to your husband - but I'm not sure I can really explain it or claim to understand why we feel this way.
> 
> I don't like to be "dominated" exactly. But I am afraid of crossing a line - being too crude. So - anything a little kinky or out of the ordinary is almost always suggested or initiated by my wife.
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I know what you mean about the power of rejection BUT I rarely rejected him in reality, he just didn't persue -he suffered in silence WAY WAY more. In 20 yrs, I might have rejected him (too tired, busy) less than I can count on 1 hand. He just says he was always in the mood but didnt' want to bother me, HE wanted ME to come on to him EVEN THEN, when he had a HIGHER DRIVE. He often scratched my back hoping for more, but if I did not give him some sign/touch I wanted more, he rolled over. He is baffling. We only had sex once a week cause he still usually waited for me to come to him, or a touch from a back scratch started things. He could handle the wait I guess. 

Now it is ALOT cause he knows/has that assurance I want it.
He is much happier & satisfied now. He used to be grouchy & mean but he still never sat me down & talked to me about it. 

I have had alot of converstations with Big Bad Wolf about the "Spanking", husband has tried this a few times, it was good, it was all done in FUN. Not really any real dominant role he was playing. 

I really don't think my husband has such Fantases. It is not like I just asked him this, we TALK & talk & talk , I pick his brain-daily, I share all of MY fantasies, others fantasies, I mean, few are AS OPEN as we are, and never --has he ever hinted ,even when I ask time & time again, nothing remotely aggressive in his fantasy life. I know this is hard to believe, he is just different. I trust he is telling me the truth, as he knows I WISH he had those kinds of fantasies! I suppose they could be repressed or something (??) But serioulsy, he would be foolish to hold those back from me , if indeed he had them. 

So lets assume that he does not have those kind, this is why I am calling these kinds of men here, are there any others who do not have MALE dominate fantasies??


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Maybe I just relay TOO much information in my posts. Of coarse I want this also (my turn), but no, that is not what I am asking here.
> 
> I am just trying to better understand MEN who THINK like my husband, so I can better equip myself to meeting HIS desires. I have felt somewhat intimidated by being the Aggressor, since it is normally the Man who does this in most sexual situations, I have gotten hung up on this stero-type.
> 
> ...


I think I fit to what your hubby enjoys. I can say that most of what I like when she is dominant and aggressive is taking what she wants when she wants it. This goes beyond her being on top. I love when she tells me that she needs a good pounding and will tell me to go harder, faster or deeper. It's very mental for me when she acts in this manner. Outside the bedroom and even sometimes in the bedroom I am very alpha. It can be so much fun to be on the other end.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I FEAR this thread is going to turn into trying to change my husband again, I do not want this. Entertaining this idea only led to frustration- for me, then pressuring him. Please hear me, it was *not* healthy for me to compare him with all these ALPHA males running around. 

I read to him what Mem11361 suggests . He laughed, told me to print it out and he will try it. My guess is - he will not be able to get through that with a straight face. It is SO not him. I can not even imagine him acting in that way. But yeah, it would be FUN in bed. 

I know he loves me dearly, He LOVES sex, all is good. My take on this is : I believe God creates men & women with different *temperments*, different personalities and some just dont fit the normal stero-typical mold. And this is still OK. He is timid, I am aggressive. For us, the differences help us make up for the others lack. 

If there R any men who feel GOOD about themselves , not looking to change who they are or their fantasies to appease societys norms, and still prefer a Woman coming on to them, this is who I want to hear from.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm just a tad confused now.

When I read MEM's script before, I took it and changed it a bit in my head to something I would be more comfortable with. Basically "safe" words - like "yellow" for "wait a minute" and "red" for NO.

IF your husband is like me, then he wants to do things, but is afraid of crossing a line somewhere.

But if you truly think he doesn't have these inclinations, I'm not sure what you are looking for? What if there is nothing to TAP into?

I think it sounds like you actually understand him just fine. And you say you don't want to change him. Are you just wanting confirmation that he's "normal" or "OK"?

He sounds comfortable with who he is - so I'd say he's perfectly normal. And I get the impression that he's happy with your sex life the way it is. In which case - he's doing a lot better than most of the people who visit this site!


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

_The Mistress Manual_ by Mistress Lorelei discusses male fantasies regarding dominant women, not all of them of the chain & whips variety.

Most people have multiple things that they like; it may be that if he gets this itch scratched really well, his attention will shift to other things he likes too. You might think about other things he'd like, and tell him that you'd like to incorporate those things into a "grab you and throw you on the bed" type scene.

What else does he like? Maybe the various perverts on this board can help you think of scnenarios. ;-)


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thank you Artieb! I looked that up on Amazon & see a bunch of similar books dealing with the kind of subject I need to explore more. 

Nice777Guy: I understand what you mean about crossing lines, but there is NO lines to cross WITH ME - he knows this. This is *not* his fear. I believe he is totally comfortable being WHAT HE IS, and he is totally HAPPY with our sex life in every way. I am more the one who wants to explore MORE & see if I can possibly tap into more WITH HIM , as Artieb said 
" if he gets his Itch stratched really well, his attention might shift to other things he likes too". Some might call him "Vanilla" but he is more Adventerous than that in his favorite things to do with me. 

Yes, I guess you could say I AM trying to find others on here -like him, cause he is not the norm, I understand this. And I just thought it would be INTERESTING to hear from other men. (or other Aggressive women who love them). Since my husband is not much of a Talker, he can not really explain why this kind of stuff turns him on *MORE* than him being the aggressive force.


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## Rob2380 (Dec 21, 2009)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Yes, I guess you could say I AM trying to find others on here -like him, cause he is not the norm, I understand this. And I just thought it would be INTERESTING to hear from other men. (or other Aggressive women who love them). Since my husband is not much of a Talker, he can not really explain why this kind of stuff turns him on *MORE* than him being the aggressive force.


It may be something as simple as the fact that during the day, he's the one in charge and making all the decisions. When he's with you in the bedroom, he wants to give up that role. I've tried to explain this to my spouse a few times. I'm accustomed to being in charge all the time, especially in my work setting, but love it when she takes charge in the bedroom.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Rob2380: 

Yes, what you just described is common, I have heard this before from a number of people. I remember talking with a man on the net who had this woman email him regularly (very strange situation) where this womas was a high powered Boss, ALOT of responsibity every day at work and she had this wild craving to be totally submissive in the bedroom , to the point of being treated like a slave or ****, and her husband was too nice of a man to BE this for her, so she found this guy who talked down to her online. (I doubt the husband knew about this but I did not ask!) 
I found the whole converstation of him explaining this to me VERY BIZARRE. The 1st time I ever heard of such a thing. 

And from doing alot of reading on sex boards, I have heard similar things-though not to that extreme, how people like to change roles in the bedroom, maybe some kind of escape from the stresses of Real life. So all these HIGH Powered Aggressive men you see might secretly love a dominant women in the bedroom, who knows! There IS something to that. 

My husband is not the Boss though, though his job does hold alot of responsibity without that title. Others lives depend on how he does his job, if he screws up, it could make News headlines. And he is the sole breadwinner for our large family, so he does have alot on his plate.


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## Magdalen (Feb 9, 2010)

I am definitely the aggressor in the bedroom. My husband almost never initiates sex- if I don't want to do it, we don't. It has bored me- I have always been with dominant men, not always by choice- it just wound up that way. Now, I am married to the most passive man I ever met. It is a challenge for me.
The role reversal for me occurred after losing over 200 pounds. When I lost all that weight, I felt strong, determined, in control. I wanted to redefine myself, and I went through a phase of shedding the submissiveness in myself- and taking control sexually felt good.
When I met my husband, I got the impression I was too aggressive, so I held back and now we have a very plain sex life. I thought that is what he wanted, but I still have to initiate all our sex. Don't get me wrong, we love eachother so sex is always good- but it could definitely be allot better. I wish I knew why my husband did not pursue sex-my thoughts are that he is afraid I will say no- BUT I never say No. Who knows?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Magdalen: That sounds REALLY passive. At least my husband would get mean & grouchy if we was not having regular sex, so I guess that is a good sign. He obviously cared -even if he still wanted ME to come after him the majority of the time. 

Just curious, have you ever asked/talked to him about why he never persues you, let him know you would DESIRE this? 

Just a thought, but maybe he is a bit like my husband, has a "Phlegmatic" temperment , maybe some low testosterone levels on top of that would explain alot.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Star said:


> Oh yeah!!! It's all good, I personally quite like being the hunter, I don't wait for him to come onto me, If I get the urge then I am going to go after him and give him a "seeing" too as it were.


Love this attitude, I wholeheartily agree!


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## RAYMOND (Feb 5, 2010)

I am a husband that very much takes the lead. I've tried spanking my wife but it doesn't switch her on which rather takes the fun and point out of it. I don't really want to dominate her in the wrong way. She always leaves it to me to say what happens in the bedroom. My fantasy is the other way but there you go. I do regularly ask to be spanked though so you can see this thing is very complicated. She doesn't dominate but does it how I say I want it. It seems to work great and since the children moved out we have been a lot freer in it. I always fantasised as a youth in being punished by a female but the reality is different and I can see how that it would make our marriage lopsided so there is a certain amount of adjustment made to balance out the priorities of what a marriage should be.

Yes I would love her to be the hunter but am wise enough to see that there is little chance of that happening.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I think the key about being passive for a guy and why it turns him on is that men want sex a lot and often feel guilty for it.

So when you have a woman who actually wants it. . .and wants it bad, it's like all that guilt you have pent up from when your mother told you sex was dirty gets abated.

Remember we are constantly called pigs for wanting sex, for hooting and howling at women, and oh, don't forget the looming possibility of "date rape" always hangs over us (you took advantage of me because I was drunk). . .or the looming possibility of "sexual harrassment" becuase you hit on a helpless female co-worker or employee. . .because women CAN always play that card and play it well (I am not downplaying sexual harrassment or date rape - but it just can be confusing with a guy, especially young, when and how to be the sexual aggressor). . .so when the woman wants it. . .and is confident about it and there's no guilt, it enhances the sexual experience.

Understand the psyche a little bit better?

Guys are really quite allowed to be guys and the dominatrix says it's okay to want sex.


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## Eraz2010 (Apr 1, 2010)

Found this thread really, really interesting... might have realised some stuff about myself through it.

I orginally came on here (this forum) after my wife resolved a conflict between us (a long protracted argument that had degenerated to nasty point scoring) by making me pull my pants down and taking my belt to my butt (NOT in a playful way, I can assure you). I was very confused by it, and got further in a muddle by seeking info on the net, which led to me viewing bdsm sites that either made me laugh outloud at the sillyness, or weep out of sheer disgust.

Since then I grew up and realised I had been behaving like an a**hole and frankly deserved the butt whoppin'. My wife refuses(d) to apologise and just tells me to take it like a man.

This I guess makes her "dominant" although previously I had not thought of her/it that way. I still don't feel "submissive" either, it's just that there's this spanking thing hanging over my head if I am an a**hole... so I try hard not to be one. (She's spanked me once more since the first time and bought herself a wooden paddle for the purpose that she keeps in her bedside table).

This new dynamic has defo led to fantastic sex (not after a spanking, no) in general and we've assumed it is because the arguments are settled and she says she found it very cathartic dishing it out... so there were no more "issues" at all and our intimacy has been unbelievably good since.

However...

I have defo been one of those guys who prefered the woman to be "dominant" in the bedroom during sex. Not to a kinky level, no, rather just to take the lead. I hadn't really been conscious of it before.

Many years ago, back when the Demi Moore film was out where she accused Michael Douglas of sexual harrassment I had my own mini-nightmare and was accussed by a co-worker I had slept with (grimaces... after the Xmas party) of sexual harrasment and to say it was a terrible ordeal would be an understatement. What was very very chilling about the episode was that I am pretty sure I would have LOST the case and risked my employers involving the Police (and god knows what from there on) had it not been for an email I still had on my computer at home from her specifically talking about that sexual episode. My blood still runs cold when I think about it, and how the outcome could have been so tragic if I had hit the delete button on that one email.

I mention this as it effected my behaviour towards women instantly. I stopped having casual flings, and persued only relationships I felt had a very good chance of lasting or becoming "something"... and this defo led to me prefering a female-led sexlife. I cannot tell you how degrading and humiliating being questioned by attorneys about something as intimate and private as "sex" is. It's horrible beyond compare.

Now, since my wife has spanked me properly twice, I am actually finding intimacy etc much easier and more fulfilling with her. Infact, I regularly congratulate myself these days on how HOT she is (and she really is) and have several times sms'd her on leaving the office to put something naughty on, I am going to ravege her on my arrival home. Phew! May have to do so tonight, thinking about it! LOL!

So, to answer the original question... dominate him good and he may well get to a place where he wants to ravege you!

I don't know if I am the kind of guy you were looking for, but if so I am happy to answer any questions you might have.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Eraz,

Yeah, I think you kind of hit on it and I am glad you shared the sexual harrassment close-call.

This is something part and parcel to my profession, a chiropractor. We have high rates of sexual harrassment charges compared to other health care professionals.

Is it because we attract a higher percentage of creeps? Perhaps.
Is it because we are an easy target that has money (or thinks we do)? Perhaps.
Is it because when doing treatments it's easy to accidently grope a boob or a butt cheek? Perhaps that too. There's definitey a couple of high risk maneuvers.
Is it because we see patients over and over and we are human and it's possible, when you touch someone over and over, all of the sudden feelings start to well up in you? I think that's a very likely explanation.

I have had that happen 2-3x over the years, esp. with a bad marriage but luckily I caught it within 2 minutes, self-analyzed and squashed the feelings. The point is I can see how it could happen when you just read the funny papers saying, "Local physician charged with sexual harrassment." and you wonder how these things happen.

It's now a mandatory in-service at chiro. schools because it's so common. Risk factors are male, 40-50 years old and in a bad marriage or recently divorced.

Who knows whether we hit on something here. . .but lemme say, I take painstakingly care to remain asexual in all my interactions with women throughout the day. I keep the door open so my staff can walk by at any moment. I am lucky my staff is actually "contractor" and not an employee and that probably exempts me from a employer sexual harrassment charge. So that being said, I do relax around them and make an occasional sexual joke (in front of all 3 of them so it's not one-on-one).

I am not sure what happened but somewhere along the way guys weren't allowed to be guys.

So regarding the dominating desire, there's nothing like a woman who wants to f**k, not make love with honorable intentions and rose pedals on the bed.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Eraz,

This discussion would make for an interesting side discussion - what to tell my teenage boy and the younger boys of mine when they reach this age about this.

I mean, they will all know the mechanics of sex and consequences. . .but what about the finer points of sex like who's being the sexual aggressor or initiator?

It's not as simple as "No means no", is it? Of course no means no. . .but it's more than that, isn't it?

Here you have a woman starting this thread, a "future wife" of one of my boys complaining her husband is too passive (but probably horny) for her taste, that she would like a little more domination for her own satisfaction.

So. . .pursue your woman in the bedroom, be aggressive and strong. . .but be careful of sexual harrassment and date rape because if things go sour, you could be on the hook for those things, boys.

Damn, this talk is conjuring up memories of being lectured from the captain when I was on a beach patrol about "jail bait" and be careful of your conquests. . .the girl in front of your chair, who looks 18 years old, is acting 18 years old, is saying she is 18 years old is probably lying about her age by 3 years.

18 y.o = 15 y.o., that was the formula and God knows a 15 y.o. female could never make a consensual decision about sex. They are helpless, innocent virgins not ever, EVER interested in sex. . .the complete opposite of the Dominatrix.

Sticking your penis in a woman is risky behavior. That's why we all want to fly out of the room after the act is over, LOL.

Starting to get our psychology a little more? TMI? LOL.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Scannerguard said:


> I think the key about being passive for a guy and why it turns him on is that men want sex a lot and often feel guilty for it.


 I started this thread awhile ago, I see it was revived. I think it is true, our experiences can influence how we act -like Eraz's example of feeling degraded & humiliated- with feeling she wanted it -and then sexual harrassement charges !! That's awful. 

I can honestly (& shamefully) say I know I contributed to my husbands passivity cause he felt like the above quote for much of our marraige. I wasn't the easiest women to "turn on" back in the day, even fell asleep on him once to wake up hrs later & he was still touching me & I sometimes would rather read books than be with him. I rarely said "NO" but he needed more than me just "going along for the ride". 

He felt this "unspoken rejection" deeply, and eventually he decided, "Ok, I'm just going to wait for her to come to me!!" - then he at least was assured I wanted him & NOW. Which meant the world to him cause he is a "Pleaser" at heart so taking for himself -was just never satisfying. 

If I had the enthusiam I have NOW in the bedroom, he might have been more dominant than he has been -over the years. So I can honestly say I have lived & learned !! Lots of advice for my daughter someday. 


Things are wonderful for us now, I think we are on a even plane in this department. He may not push me up against the wall or throw me down on the bed with force, but he no longer worries his touches will incite "Oh no, where is my latest novel ". I make sure he is constantly assured I LOVE his hands on me, it makes all the difference in the world in how he re-acts. He feels desired, I feel desired, nothing sweeter in life.


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## RAYMOND (Feb 5, 2010)

Well done Amorous. That is very important in marriage. Most of us dream of a woman who wants it. I think it is possible for most women to waken themselves in marriage, if they aren't already, although it might take a bit of work.


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## afelix (Sep 16, 2010)

Hi SimplyAmorous,
I'm new here.Actually I was searching in the internet looking for women who have similar sexual needs like mine.
I just want to say that your husband is NORMAL! And.. you're just SO lucky to have him, I hope I find a man like him one day
Ok.. I'm a 32 yrs old woman, and I'm dominant in sex. I don't love to be submissive in sex except rarely, just for a change.
Of course this is not the norm, but I'm so normal, I'm just different. I was engaged before, had some relationships, and what made my relationship came to an end was the gradual lack in sexual harmony! I mean.. it was always great in the begining. I'm attractive woman, athletic, smart, elegant...etc., so.. I attract men, we fall in love, start having sex, I force myself to be submissive for my man's sake at the begining, then I start showing my real me, to fullfil my deep sexual desire, they like the way I do it, but they don't want me to keep on doing it this way. I thought it would lead to a kind of a balance, but it led to a kind of ...what? fighting for who should be in charge? I still can enjoy sex, when you need it you'll probaply like it, but it's not the kind of joy I really want, I miss being me.
We've been raised to beleive that the norm is right, and whatever else is worng, and then.. we search for reasons, excuses, explanations!
I really beleive that for everyone out there, there's another partner who fits his/her needs, and that includes sexual needs of course.
I've heard lots of that 'change' rubbish. You know.. when people tell you that men like you to be softer, quieter, and.. submissive, otherwise you're not ok! Not really feminine!
Well, I beleive I'm SO feminine becuase I dore the man's body, love every inch of it, admire it, and yeah.. I love sex more than any other joy in this life. 
generally, we assume that men are all the same, and women are all the same too, and that what cause 'different' poeple like me to 'suffer' from all of those 'change' projects.
I'm so happy the way I am. I feel so happy when being myself in sex. I like being aggressive in sex and taking the lead. I know how to make my man happy if only he understands my needs, which means.. he has to be submissive in bed. 
I don't know why do people think this is weird or so! I love responsible men, strong men, who can be good fathers and successful in their work and relationships. This is got nothing to do with thier sexual needs. I mean.. do you think that what makes a man 'man' is that he's aggressive in bed? and, therefor, I'm not a 'woman' unless I'm submissive?
I don't believe in 'fixed' roles in sex. Nothing is right or wrong, normal or abnormal, just follow your desire, fullfil it to an ultimate joy, doesn't matter who's who as long as everybody is happy.
It's in our brains, built in it, no need to change it, it what makes us who we are! 
Well SimplyAmorous, that's what I can say about it here, and yeah.. enjoy your husband to the most!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

afelix said:


> I mean.. do you think that what makes a man 'man' is that he's aggressive in bed? and, therefor, I'm not a 'woman' unless I'm submissive?
> I don't believe in 'fixed' roles in sex. Nothing is right or wrong, normal or abnormal, just follow your desire, fullfil it to an ultimate joy, doesn't matter who's who as long as everybody is happy.
> It's in our brains, built in it, no need to change it, it what makes us who we are!
> Well SimplyAmorous, that's what I can say about it here, and yeah.. enjoy your husband to the most!


 Thank you Afelix, that was a very interesting reply. I think me & you speak the same language and it is SO nice to hear from another women who has a FIRM perspective on this.

You have "experienced" both sides of this- with the Dominant & the more passive man in bed, so this speaks something of value to me. I have never been with another, so for me, it is all speculation , what I think or envision he was more like, much of this is probably from movies in reality. 

If those types accually get tired or worn down of the women being who she IS (at her core), saying what she wants and going for it, I too feel that might put me in some kind of box sexually that I would not want to stay in- for long anyway. 

Not that I need anything new to make me feel good about my husband being what he is , the passive patient calm sensual lover he is, all has been beautiful for some time now for us, I was just getting a feel of others experiences- in all these areas I ask about. 

I do feel the majority of the time, we are an excellent match in bed and out. Because of our differences. I probably just have more endless sexual fantasies than him, so therefore I am a little harder to please. 

Us Erotics can be so demanding at times.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> NG,
> You can gradually push the envelope in terms of dominance. Step one is pure verbal - you start giving commands with a voice has a little edge to it. NOT angry, NOT hostile just a dominant edge.
> 
> Step 2 is just raw physical control. You grab her wrists and pin her down and say "I am going to do xyz"
> ...


 Phew
Old thread I know but this post was very good. I would love my SO to do those things.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

SA,
Not sure of how much help I can be, since my wife is very afraid of any sort of dominant attitude, but I know what worked for me before.

If you've seen the movie The Tourist with Johnny Depp, I had a girlfriend like in the train scene. She had no patience with indecision, although she never expressed anger.

Thing is, it can also be just as important what you do outside the bedroom. My best friend growing up, and later girlfriend, used to know me really well. Maybe better than I knew myself. Occasionally, she would take my face in her hands and be a real woman, telling me that I was going to do this, or that, because I knew it was the right thing to do. Its more about confidence, without even considering that he would argue or decline. And, its about body language, but I'll get to that in a second. Still, it can't push the boundary of selfishness by telling him to do something that he hates.

For instance (I'm blushing), you tell him that you're going upstairs to shower. Tell him that you don't like washing ____, knowing that it feels much better when he does it. Tell him to come up in five minutes to do it. He'll be watching the clock. It would be a lot different if you told him to draw a bath for you, and then expect him to leave.

What I'm getting at is that you probably already know what he likes. Sometimes, just let him know that you expect it. You expect to be pampered.

Also, you mentioned that he likes things where you are on top, or things in his face. Do you use body language, and your hands to control the situation? Expressive gestures, like a pointed finger, making him wait until you are ready, punctuate the control. I assume that since it works for my wife, it should work with him to heighten the anticipation and enforce the dominance.

Ultimately, the body language is about controlling the experience, the timing and progression. You own the encounter, and he's going crazy just following your plan.

Food for thought if you haven't considered them.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The missus and I love to "wrestle" with our dominance over each other heh

Sometimes she's on top, other times I am (correction... most times  heh), sometimes we both fight over it, but it's what I love.

Unfortunately, it has led her to some strange fantasies, which I'm actually 'partly' scared of her over... NO STRAP-ONS OR LEATHER TORTURE STRAPS ON MY WILLY! Hence no metal-cuffs in my house as a rule!


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Phew
> Old thread I know but this post was very good. I would love my SO to do those things.


Good Lord, me too, Syrum


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Halien said:


> For instance (I'm blushing), you tell him that you're going upstairs to shower. Tell him that you don't like washing ____, knowing that it feels much better when he does it. Tell him to come up in five minutes to do it. He'll be watching the clock.


 Ha ha - No need to blush! No, I have never seen "the Tourist" before, might have to rent that from Netflix.

How interesting, so you are NOT able to act out your DOminance with your wife (as she would not like it) but have learned these subtle skills to ALLOW YOU to bring a little dominance to your sex life. How cunning is that ! Love it ! 

I appreicate your examples here, I LOVE details. I've never had trouble telling him what I want, but I have not done it "like this" - minutes before in a firm expecting command sort of way. 



Halien said:


> What I'm getting at is that you probably already know what he likes. Sometimes, just let him know that you expect it. You expect to be pampered.


 I would say he already knows I expect to be pampered, but generally in the same affectionate sensuous ways, so Yes, your ideas of "just a little before" using my creative sexual mind, this could be very helpful to get him to try new things. 



Halien said:


> Also, you mentioned that he likes things where you are on top, or things in his face. Do you use body language, and your hands to control the situation? Expressive gestures, like a pointed finger, making him wait until you are ready, punctuate the control. I assume that since it works for my wife, it should work with him to heighten the anticipation and enforce the dominance.
> 
> Ultimately, the body language is about controlling the experience, the timing and progression. You own the encounter, and he's going crazy just following your plan.
> 
> Food for thought if you haven't considered them.


Love Food for thought! NO, I haven't really went out on a limb in any of these ways you bring up. I have been very expressive but using a pointed finger to STOP , making him wait for something - this makes me think of a lesser "tame" version of some S & M. Which is surely not up our ally after reading some pages from a book on it, much too extreme for our tastes. But yet interesting. I appreciate your posting !


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Try a little playful tying up. I always enjoyed this when my wife would do it. You don't have to engage in anything too off the wall once he is tied, just do the usual. It could be fun for him, though, knowing you are in full control.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ha ha - No need to blush! How interesting, so you are NOT able to act out your DOminance with your wife (as she would not like it) but have learned these subtle skills to ALLOW YOU to bring a little dominance to your sex life. How cunning is that ! Love it !


Sorry, I wasn't clear - I am so dominant that she has become the complete opposite over time. My way of intimacy is pretty alpha, but I'm a people reader, so alot of our intimacy is directed through body language. Through this, for instance, it's important to invade her space, without touching, until she signals appropriately. Of couse, never if this is in any way threatening. That won't work for a guy, but my post was about the controlling part of being dominant though nonverbal cues.

She comes from a family of feminists, and knew right away that I was seriously alpha, so she was terrified to have me meet her aunts and her mother. But she was just the opposite as them. I'm the only guy in the family they like, though. Just have to put up with their embarrassing greeting of, "Oh, smell the testosterone"

Incidentally, my grown daughter is also very alpha. Sometimes, I feel sorry for her future husband.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

MGirl said:


> Good Lord, me too, Syrum


I find this thread interesting because I could never be dominant with him the way some suggest on here. I guess when he's dominant with me that turns me on and leads me to want to be more forward in the moment in my lust for him at times. But I all ready have to feel like he really wants me in the first place to feel comfortable enough to do that. 
So I have at times just randomly put my hand down his pants and I do initiate at times, I just prefer if he does most of the initiating and dominating. It is fun for me to just go for it at times too, because he is very sexy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Syrum said:


> I guess when he's dominant with me that turns me on and leads me to want to be more forward in the moment in my lust for him at times. But I all ready have to feel like he really wants me in the first place to feel comfortable enough to do that.


And this makes absolute perfect sense. His passion drives your passion. Also women are swimming in estrogen -- it is what gives them the "receptive" sex drive. Some of us just have a little bit extra Test in our systems. 



Syrum said:


> So I have at times just randomly put my hand down his pants and I do initiate at times, I just prefer if he does most of the initiating and dominating. It is fun for me to just go for it at times too, because he is very sexy.


Believe me, I love it when my husband does this too, and he does, I do not give him enough credit sometimes. I started this thread over a year ago when my sex drive was raging. Since it has come down from the clouds, I think we are = in our showing each other who wants who. 

I am sure your husbands LOVES when you do this though! If you haven't noticed >> it is one of the biggest complaints besides lack of sex on this entire forum, lack of an initiating wife , having that lusty enthusiasm to "take her man". Go for it girl !


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> And this makes absolute perfect sense. His passion drives your passion. Also women are swimming in estrogen -- it is what gives them the "receptive" sex drive. Some of us just have a little bit extra Test in our systems.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That makes perfect sense. And I can be a bit shy sometimes, but I do really try and let that go and make it fun and exciting for him too, and let him know I really want him as well.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Don't underestimate the power of rejection - no matter how long ago it was.
> 
> Don't all of us harbor some secret fantasies? I bet he's got something up there - but just asking him won't bring it out.
> 
> ...


I like to take charge but YES YES AND YES I adore a man that can and will take control of me in bed. I have to have such control in my day until it's sexy as heck to be controlled. In bed that is.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

No, not preferring to even use the words dominant and submission in regards to sex. That is a complete turn off to me.

And even if I initiate sex most of the time, I do want a woman who expresses their interest and actually initiates things periodically.

And it really bothers me to be with someone who seems only interested in response to rejecting over a period of time them doling out what seems like mercy sex from time to time.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

michzz said:


> No, not preferring to even use the words dominant and submission in regards to sex. That is a complete turn off to me.


I like this ^^^^^ you are absolutely right Michzz. :iagree: When I 1st came here, I wanted my husband to be more "dominant" with me, I made an issue out of this for a time (my fantasies getting a little carried away), and I really had nothing to complain about at all. So long as our partners are there with us in these moments, and we FEEL that. Having them show desire & some enthusiasm, that's all we REALLY need from each other . 

I was reading TOO much into the 'labels" myself.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I like this ^^^^^ you are absolutely right Michzz. :iagree: When I 1st came here, I wanted my husband to be more "dominant" with me, I made an issue out of this for a time (my fantasies getting a little carried away), and I really had nothing to complain about at all. So long as our partners are there with us in these moments, and we FEEL that. Having them show desire & some enthusiasm, that's all we REALLY need from each other .
> 
> I was reading TOO much into the 'labels" myself.


I think it has its place as a part of reaching a happy equilibrium in a marriage relationship. Too many times, we hear of our friends talking about how some sort of switch was triggered when they married, and both partners settled into comfortable roles. Over time, too many people forget that sex can be worked on in a way that keeps it refreshing. My male friends tend to think the key to this is through new positions, toys and leather, but as you know, there are other ways to make it a deeper experience (no pun intended).

This is probably something a small part of the reason I found this site, just wondering why so many of my friends seem miserable. A close friend abruptly told me recently that he hadn't had sex more than once or twice a week in years. I avoid this guy nowadays. Did a little research and ended up here. 

In my marriage counseling, our counselor thinks that in our case, we should cut back a little and help me unwind my alpha tendencies to force my wife to acitively participate in the emotional side of the relationship. Not saying I dominate her as much as she has always been insecure. Doesn't like to pay bills, pump gas, or anything out of her comfort zone. So, this is entertwined with our sex life.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Yeah my husband fits that description basically. I'm not like that, so its too bad for him really. We have a little joke between us where I say "if you want a hoe then there is one down the street on the corner, discount price". He always laughs (as do I) but what he doesn't realise is that I am serious. lol!


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

I didn't read any of the other posts (don't really feel like reading right now). I am usually dominant in bed out of necessity, but I like a dominant woman also. I like it because it shows me that she wants me as much as I want her. It takes away the guilt I am having for initiating sex. It allows me to know that I am not imposing myself on my spouse and doing something that repulses her. If my mate is dominant or initiatng sex then I know that I am loved, and not just being tolerated. Even if she is dominant only occasionally it gives me enough encouragement to be dominant for quite a while. If my wife goes for months and months without initiating or being dominant it starts to weigh heavy on my mind and makes me start to wonder. I have tried to express this to my wife, but she either doesn't care or doesn't get it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"Prefer" is a loaded word. It's more situational. I "Prefer" competence.


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## KDFREE (Apr 7, 2011)

SA,

I am encouraged by your openness in your relationship with your husband and by the feedback posted to this thread over time. 

I am a woman, married to my wonderful husband for 20 years now, and I really relate to your post. My husband also likes for me to be sexually aggressive or dominant with him in the bedroom. His role outside of the bedroom is that of being a leader and responsible for others in a context that sounds similar to your husband's job. Thus, when he is home he desires to have the roles reversed, especially in the bedroom. For him, sex is very much about the mental aspect of the experience, which builds up the intensity of the physical experience. He is motivated out of love for me and desire for me to feel free and uninhibited to explore and enjoy myself sexually. He is attracted to the confidence I exhibit when I am in control and responds by a greater desire to love and please me. He loves for me to initiate and also plan fun for us so that he has the pleasure of anticipation as well as the experience itself, whether it is simple or more drawn out. 

While I have a strong, aggressive side to me naturally, I also have submissive tendencies and strong desires to be the one receiving in this way. I love to "be on top" and tell him what to do and am very verbal about what I want. I feel a surge of excitement from being in control and having him receive from me and respond to my desires. I also have a strong need at times to just let go and receive sexually, just feeling and enjoying the experience, letting go of any thoughts that could distract me from the pleasure. I respond to receiving aggressive, passionate, intense physical sex and crave more the more I get.

So, sometimes our personalities and desires complement each other and we are both satisfied, while other times one or the other of us receive less than what we crave sexually, even though we enjoy the experience. We have both struggled over many years to know one another, seeking to understand each others desires, as well as our own. We looked for advice on the internet and books and found a lot out there. Some of it was helpful and some didn't quite match up with who we are, but we gained insight to accept ourselves and each other as we are (normal is what works for the two of you) and find ways to explore meeting each others needs and receiving the intense pleasure we desire at the same time. 

Some sites that helped in the process: 

elisesutton.homestead.com/main.html

wifeworship.tripod.com/home.htm

There's another I can't recall right now but will ask my husband.

The two sites I mentioned really helped us to understand each other better:

Why he desires for me to initiate and take charge in the bedroom and that this is a good thing.

That his response to me as I do take charge sexually is a desire to please me both in and out of the bedroom.

Why I desire to be in control in the bedroom and that this is a good thing.

That as I initiate sexually, it will look different based on my different moods. Sometimes I'm in the mood to take on a more dominant role (not meaning role play necessarily) and other times I desire to receive more from him. In both cases I'm in control and leading and he is responding to my desires with a desire to please me. It is about loving one another and meets both of our needs when we "get it."

Of course, we are far from perfect, so we still struggle with loving and understanding each other, especially in this area, but it has gotten better as we grow in knowing and accepting each other fully as we are.

Writing this post is actually helping me to process when our sexual relationship works best and why. It is when I take the time and energy to initiate with him sexually that he is most sexually satisfied, as well as responsive to not only my sexual needs, but all of my needs. He becomes the man who pursued me as we were dating and went above and beyond to serve me in anyway he could. I become the confident woman he was attracted to in the first place. It does wonders to ignite passion between us and fuel the love that has always been there. Makes me wonder why I let life distract me from taking action to love him in this way when life is so much better when I do!

I hope this is helpful to you as it has been for me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

KDFree: I appreciate your taking the time to give me your 1st ever post on TAM.  I hope you will stick around. After reading your post, I was feeling we are alot alike, then I clicked on that 1st link & thought whoaaaaaa. I'm not that DOMINANT! . 

I am assuming from this link Elise Sutton's Female Superiority Page you are at least a little "Dominatrix" ? - with all the women in command, with leather & whips, men bowing at their feet ! That is another world for me. 

Your post doesn't sound like you & your husband are into S & M though or even so much role playing, so you must just be picking up small bits & peices from this site. 

We haven't gotten into S & M either, husband has absolutely no interest. Out of pure curosity (I love books), I bought this Amazon.com: Sm 101: A Realistic Introduction (9780963976383): Jay Wiseman: Books 

The 1st thing I looked up was "Erotically Dominating a Submissive man", I started reading the steps to him one night ... 

1. Order him to strip & kneel at your feet 
2. Order him to call you Mistress or My Lady & he must remain silent unless he is asked a question or we give him permission to speak
3. Order him to keep his eyes down, he is not allowed to look at your face unless given permission
4. Collar Him. This is your ownership. Ha ha At this point myhusband told me HE is not that Submissive! And we started roaring. I can't imagine playing this out with a straight face. 
5. Tie him up
6.Bind his genitals
7. Spank him
8. His mouth is yours
9. This is where you bring on some pain, mentioning mild clamps
10.Penetrate him (my husband would NEVER allow such a thing !)
11.Reward him for Good Behavior, let him touch your breats with his mouth ,etc 
12.Delay his orgasm- frustrate him to make the experience more intense. -before she alllows him his orgasm. 

Oh my. It was interesting to read, but I dont think I am a Dominatrix by any means. Ha Ha, and he has no desire for this intense form of submissiveness.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You left out orgasm ruin/denial.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Runs like Dog said:


> You left out orgasm ruin/denial.


I think the Constitution outlawed that - falls under "cruel and unusual punishment."


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's like the joke; "What did the sadist do to the masochist?"

"Nothing".


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> "Prefer" is a loaded word. It's more situational. I "Prefer" competence.


Damn Dog - you're rough!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> KDFree: I appreciate your taking the time to give me your 1st ever post on TAM.  I hope you will stick around. After reading your post, I was feeling we are alot alike, then I clicked on that 1st link & thought whoaaaaaa. I'm not that DOMINANT! .
> 
> I am assuming from this link Elise Sutton's Female Superiority Page you are at least a little "Dominatrix" ? - with all the women in command, with leather & whips, men bowing at their feet ! That is another world for me.
> 
> ...


Been there, done that (I told you guys I'll try anything and I'm very adventurous).

Problem is hubby loves it while we're doing it but doesn't come back often for a repeat performance.

Now I know why - his sex drive has dropped!

But, I'll keep plugging along and trying anyway...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Damn Dog - you're rough!


Hey, school's out. I don't demand a lot. Simply blind unquestioning lay your life down love. I will take a bullet for you. I will give you a kidney. I will eat glass for you. It's the least you could do.


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## conf_hrt (Apr 12, 2011)

I love this thread and is the most describing from anything in the net. 

I do have some questions my self. I've never been the dominant in bed and I know my guy would like that because he asked for it. 

The thing is that he doesn't want it only in bed, he also wants me to text him while we are at work to show him how dominant I am and make him submissive. 
In the bedroom I'm sure I can handle things (I guess) but what can I say to him during the day? He said he wants rules, to say to him what he has to do me, but I have no idea how to start the whole conversation and make him feel that I have the upper hand.

As far as he told me he wants this to feel powerless. Mainly because men have the upper hand elsewhere outside in the world, he wants in bed to be the one that needs to be told what to do.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Have you considered a bit of light bondage?


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## conf_hrt (Apr 12, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Have you considered a bit of light bondage?


I've considered that in bed. How about before that? During the day. It's that I don't know how to initiate and make him feel submissive.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Oh that I don't know. I'm sure there's loads of stuff online about how to be a dominatrix though. I mean I assume this is about friendly role playing, yes? Other than that, I can't suggest how a leopard change her spots. You can be more demanding, more direct but I don't know how to fake that if it's not in you.


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## PeteK (Jun 15, 2011)

I am a man who prefers dominant women in bed. I always have. My fantasies usually evolve around the woman being dominant. 

I can also relate well to the description of your husband's personality. My wife also describes me as kind, patient etc. 

I can also understand that the dominant role does not come naturally to you because it is the same for my wife. And the funny thing is that my wife appears very decisive and dominant outside the bedroom, which is part of what attracted me to her. I would not say that my wife is submissive in bed in general but she occasionally likes it if I take charge.

Your husband is certainly normal because the dominatrix is one of the most common male fantasies around. I wouldn't be surprised if at least a third of the male gender is attracted to women who are domineering in bed.

I agree that you can't change your husband's personality and fantasies. But maybe what we do in bed can have a bit of role play, kind of like acting, but not really because it involves real feelings.

I prefer dominant women in bed but I also enjoy doing things that turn my wife on. For example, she likes it sometimes when I hold her by the neck and give it to her rough. And I wish she would tell me more about her fantasies like that. I like the idea of trying out fantasies. 

The reason why I am telling you this is because maybe you will also enjoy doing things that turn him on, just because they do. And that's the fun of it. And possibly vice versa. It does not mean it has to be his/your fantasy. If he knows how to stand his ground outside bed, I am sure he can do a bit of role play to give you what you like in bed. It does not have to be his fantasy but it can still be a turn-on for him.

I agree that it would be nice if couples were all 100% fantasy compatible. But how often does that happen?

The most important thing is to love each other, to overcome obstacles, and that you can work with each other to give and receive sexual pleasure.

If you need more advice on what would turn him on, I can probably give you some ideas, also some ideas outside the woman with a whip cliché.

Thanks for this very interesting thread. 
All the best!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

PeteK said:


> I am a man who prefers dominant women in bed. I always have. My fantasies usually evolve around the woman being dominant.
> 
> I can also relate well to the description of your husband's personality. My wife also describes me as kind, patient etc.


 Thank you so much for posting. I like to hear from these types of men as it is less common- at least we are led to believe. Nothing wrong with this! 



> I agree that it would be nice if couples were all 100% fantasy compatible. But how often does that happen?


 I think you are right about this. MY fantasies were higher & more intense when I did this thread, now they are back to earth. But it is good to have something to work towards, to strive for, it keeps us learning and experiencing. Fantasies cause creativity, so I see them as healthy & wonderful for our sex lives. 



> The most important thing is to love each other, to overcome obstacles, and that you can work with each other to give and receive sexual pleasure.


 Absolutely :smthumbup:



> If you need more advice on what would turn him on, I can probably give you some ideas, also some ideas outside the woman with a whip cliché.


 Give 'em, do share if you are willing. Might be trying something new tonight.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Dominant or high-control? Dominant means you do what you want because you want it. High-control is something else. It could be restraining him and teasing him orally, bringing him to the edge over and over. Dominant could be you put an virbrator in him w.o. asking. High control is you leave in it stimulate his prostate but don't let him climax until he begs you. 

It's not only not being in charge, it's not being in control at all. Being utterly exposed and vulnerable to your partner. But if it includes humiliation, shame, power and pain, that's something different and you probably want to have a discussion and some safe words beforehand.


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## PeteK (Jun 15, 2011)

Give 'em, do share if you are willing. Might be trying something new tonight. [/QUOTE]

I will try to give you some ideas from the perspective from a man who enjoys a dominant woman in bed (although I must admit that I can't claim to have it all figured out in my own sex life because I am myself struggeling at times with my wife's reluctance to be a bit domineering).

I think being dominant or being controlled or agressive, or whatever you want to call it, is always about the relationship between two people. I believe that it is essentially this relationship and interaction that is the turn on. It is not so much about what you do. 

I am also trying to say that it depends very much on his particular ideas of you being dominant. There are millions of ways this can happen and, as you stated, many of those might not be enjoyable for either of you.

I don't know your husbands particular fantasies but a good starting point seems the fact that he enjoyed being wrestled. This is a huge male fantasy involving female domination (Andy Kaufman seems to have been crazy about it). Maybe this is something you could explore. He might actually be physically stronger than you but he could 'let' you win. The turn-on is that you pin him down, restrain him, sit on him, etc.

I can think of many other fantasies and other components to this fantasy but this all depends on him and you, and your interaction. You would need to give me some ideas. If you take the step to try to fulfil his fantasies, I think that you should also get your turn with your own fantasies. So you would get a more passive role for a change. Maybe your husband can understand your feelings of wanting him to be more agressive, if he puts himself in your shoes. 

I just wanted to say that I feel attracted to women who are dominant in bed because I experience it as a sign of strength. I find that very attractive and a turn-on. This does not mean that I am weak myself. In real life, I see myself as a high achiever and I do not like to be dominated in any way. I am used to taking responsibility and to being in control. It is just that I also enjoy the opposite role in the bedroom.

I hope this helps! Please do let me know what you think.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I want a lover in the kitchen and a chef in the bedroom.


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## RAYMOND (Feb 5, 2010)

I prefer a chef in the kitchen, a lady in the living room and a tart in the bedroom.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I do like her to be aggressive but not dominate. If it gets her off I'll play that role for her gladly but its not my main thing.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous,

Try teasing him, but give him nothing. Won't usually take long before his own hormones overwhelm him. The challenge is to say no - no matter how much you yourself want it. Say it 'weakly' - don't say no seriously, like if he tries to lift up a skirt or shirt, push it down, take his hand away, 'fight' him, don't make it easy for him, etc etc.

I'm sure you can remember one of the missus' best teases that made me into an animal that one night - which must have been one of her best because she now seems to struggle to do something new nowadays. (The glass table one  )

BTW just to make note that I wouldn't call myself submissive, I like it dominant/dominant (like when we fight and makeup, I love it), or if she wants me to be dominant, she better knows how turn on the predator in me. But as you know, unfortunately it's not like that most of the time, having found myself married to miss nympho!


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## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I want a lover in the kitchen and a chef in the bedroom.


I've done the lover in the kitchen thing, but no knives are allowed in the bedroom.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Try teasing him, but give him nothing. Won't usually take long before his own hormones overwhelm him. The challenge is to say no - no matter how much you yourself want it. Say it 'weakly' - don't say no seriously, like if he tries to lift up a skirt or shirt, push it down, take his hand away, 'fight' him, don't make it easy for him, etc etc.
> 
> I'm sure you can remember one of the missus' best teases that made me into an animal that one night - which must have been one of her best because she now seems to struggle to do something new nowadays. (The glass table one  )
> 
> BTW just to make note that I wouldn't call myself submissive, I like it dominant/dominant (like when we fight and makeup, I love it), or if she wants me to be dominant, she better knows how turn on the predator in me. But as you know, unfortunately it's not like that most of the time, having found myself married to miss nympho!



Love & apprecaite what you say Random Dude . I do tease in smaller ways I suppose, have alot of fun with that, but my husbad is not as Hormonally Revved as you young dominant bucks - He is also not into the whole fighting & making up thing, I might get him going afterwards pretty near every time, but he still says he does not like to fight, there is no "love" there- like us aggressives might enjoy from time to time. It takes the wind out of his sails and I have to built him up again. 

We have a glass table too, he is too safety conscious to use that, seriously. He'd make a crack about ending up on an 
episode of "1,000 Ways to Die" if the table broke on top of him. :rofl:

I would have to starve him for a whole week or beyond to get him to BEG me- at least the kinda begging I would want to witness that turns him into a furoius hungry "animal". Would LOVE to see it -but I think I missed his "animal" days. Makes me think of the Dep Leppard song,always loved that one, We are gonna have to settle for me being the "animal". 

When he was starving in the desert in the past, he still was patient & not climbing the walls. Kinda sucks but I know the reality of this. Plus I ain't waiting that long. Ha ha 

I took this *LOVER STYLE TEST *which pretty much settles it : 

******* | Take The Lover Style Profile Test


I wonder what you & your wife are ?? 

1. the Classic Lover
2. the Exotic Lover 
3. the Suave Lover 
4. the Carnal Lover 
5. the Devoted Lover 
6. the Surprising Lover 
7. the Romantic Lover 
8. the Liberated Lover 


*I am the Suave Lover *



> You prefer your romance and love to be traditional rather than daring or out-of-the-ordinary, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, you concentrate more on enjoying the experience rather than worrying about your performance.
> 
> This places you in the Lover Style of: The Suave Lover.
> 
> ...


*And my husband is the "Devoted Lover*". 

It is interesting, as the Suave is compared to a male Don Juan, Casanova type and taken from this link http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/28430-ladies-what-your-sex-personality.html, a # of "Devoted" results were women, the more submissive. 

So I am truly the dominant in our relationship. But I already knew that. It's all good. It works for us. Even my fantasies take on a more aggressive role than I origianlly realized, someone pointed that out to me. 

Very telling.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

That was an interest test btw, just got the missus on it for fun. I got "Suave Lover" just like you, haha, a 'player' apparently... Name's Dude... Random Dude haha! Now I would have thought the missus got something like carnal lover or something, but she got "Liberated lover", a shocker!

One thing I laughed to myself about was that one of the qualities mentioned was that she gets satisfied providing a good time to her lover which I was like LOL... considering half the time I'm annoyed with sex lol. Then again, she does seem to enjoy emptying me out, even if against my will... =/

Ne ways, on topic; as for withdrawals, it can work too, that's if you can, I know the missus can't lol that would be impossible! Still reminds me of during fights how she comes in, takes me aggressively, then buggers off back to her hidey hole. 

As for the glass table, all she did was wear nothing but a t-shirt, so all I kept seeing were her sexy legs under the see-through table and every minute or so she gave me a short peek crossing her legs over before it's covered up again. Drove me nuts, but don't worry we didn't do it there, I just grabbed her and threw her upstairs leaving our dinner cold lol. Try it! 

I'm curious about what triggers other men however actually, maybe I should make a thread...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Iron Chef Octopus challenge in the garage, Deadliest Catch in the bedroom.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> I just grabbed her and threw her upstairs leaving our dinner cold lol. Try it!
> 
> I'm curious about what triggers other men however actually, maybe I should make a thread...


 Would be an entertaining thread. 

See my husband won't do this *grabbing* and *throwing me down *business, he is simply too damn gentle! I am not going to change the man, believe me, I have explored this.  

But he DOES get aroused by MY acting this way - so it is not all that bad. 

I probably have this on here already (I started this thread so long ago, I forget!) But once I was on top of him MAD, fighting with him about wanting him to be more dominate with me, take me down, throw me on the bed /up against the wall type talk, I was probably even glaring at him a little (how rediculous this is), we were naked (highly recommend) , I had his arms pinned down & everything telling him what I wanted, he pauses & says to me ...."you're not going to like this - but you are turning me on". How true it was, I got a big smile on my face & well that was the end of that fight!    

This type or thing happens alot with us, it is really pretty sweeeeeeeet, in the bedroom and outside of it.  and often quite funny :rofl:

*His desire *is really more important than *his dominance *with me. I can live without the one, but truly I do NEED the other, this is what I have come to learn about myself, us. 

So we have some UNIQUE dymanics I guess. My predatory nature fuels his arousal. 

Another time I was getting carried away in my wants (again) letting him know I would love MORE verbal flirting during love making, just shaking it up, kinda being a pain in the butt about it & he says ...... “My touch should have been worth a 1,000 words”. 

I paused, he was right, I told him GOOD ANSWER & I kissed him !  He knows how to shut me up too! 

We talked about my feistyness that day, how I sometimes get a little angry, demanding, he told me this does NOT bother him, he even enjoys it, he said again it turns him on –so long as it only reaches a certain "threshold" , not too fierce, and NOT putting him down. He wants this! I guess I am just the ticket.  

He makes me feel that way anyhow. And this is Heaven.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If she were truly dominant in bed we'd never make it TO the bed.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh it seems he handles you quite well SA, even if he ain't dominant.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Heh it seems he handles you quite well SA, even if he ain't dominant.


Yeah, it is rather interesting, not that we go around and talk about our sex lives to people in real life (although we do with our very close friends), I haven't yet met any couples quite "like us". But I am sure they are out there! 

Love forums for this reason. 

I used to be an inhibited "vanilla", now I would say I am a feisty "erotic", he has always remained a quiet "sensual", very consistent on his part. We are having alot more FUN now than we used too, cause I am pushing the envelop, cracking the whip a little, if he didn't like it, we would have issues. But he loves it , so all is goooooood.


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## AB1 (Oct 25, 2011)

This is a very interesting post.

For me, the idea of my wife being the dominant one in the bedroom has no appeal. In fact, the idea, or even when things have gone in that direction on some level, causes me to lose interest.

I don't know why, but I just cant/couldn't do this--it just doesn't work for me. 

I have the strongest performance and experience when I am in control. 

My wife is a fairly dominate woman in her regular life. When this had carried over into the bedroom on some level it has caused the greatest negative impact on our relationship, more than any other thing in our marriage.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AB1 said:


> This is a very interesting post.
> 
> For me, the idea of my wife being the dominant one in the bedroom has no appeal. In fact, the idea, or even when things have gone in that direction on some level, causes me to lose interest.
> 
> ...



And I would bet a million dallors YOU are a very strong ALPHA male, correct ? 

I have read other posts where men speak as you ....and it has *comforted *me a great deal in a time where I kinda needed it -because although I would have given near anything for my own husband to BE more aggressive with me ..... I have learned .....if he was this type of male -there is the possibility for someone such as myself to be that "TURN off" -..... which would leave me feeling "boxed" , solely dependent on his wants, having to suppress what might be raging inside of me -squashing my freedom to express my sexuality, it would have devestated me personally. 

So I thank you for posting, it is another reminder I married the Perfect type of man -for who I am. 


Though I am very curious - you mention your wife trying this & saying it has had the GREATEST NEGATIVE IMPACT on your marriage - a BIG WOW there ! So when your wife comes on to you sexually -pursuing / feistily (I would use those terms -more than "dominate" -at least in my case)... and you loose interest, do you outright PUSH her away?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I have been dominant through much of our marriage in the bedroom, but I have no problem whatsoever with my wife initiating and jumping on to ride cowgirl. She can rip my clothes off anytime.


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## AB1 (Oct 25, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Though I am very curious - you mention your wife trying this & saying it has had the GREATEST NEGATIVE IMPACT on your marriage - a BIG WOW there ! So when your wife comes on to you sexually -pursuing / feistily (I would use those terms -more than "dominate" -at least in my case)... and you loose interest, do you outright PUSH her away?


No, my wife pursuing is great. No, I don't push her away for coming on to me. However, there was a time when she was the more aggressive one, as she seemed to like, at least then, earlier in our relationship, and my lesser ability to finish the deed caused some problems. I think my wife was concerned that I lacked interest. 

I am not a physically passive sex partner on any level. A friend told me one time he liked to have her do the work. I asked how that worked for him, somewhat puzzled by the idea. 

Some time passed in our marriage before my wife and I actually talked about this on any level. She brought a couple of examples. I said try as you might things just don't happen for me in a passive role. I am sure on some level I was not as interested and it likely showed. 

As an example, for a while she liked being on top. I don't like this, but will do it for her. She thought I lacked interest as I didn't seem to get there, similar to a situation in the car years back when she may have thought I was not turned on or interested by her efforts.

I sometimes get concerned that she worries she may cross a line and appear too dominant. But overall things have been good in this respect. I just know that in my mind things are how they are and this will not change. 

She made a comment about tying me down and I completely lost all interest, physically lost interest, completely. 

I read a "take me" posting by a woman, other women agreed they liked this when their husbands did it. I say I am all on board with this one!

Even going back to my first experience. She was doing great, but still, I said "hey, let me stand up and do the work." 

I am just not passive at all in this regard.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AB1 said:


> A friend told me one time he liked to have her do the work. I asked how that worked for him, somewhat puzzled by the idea.


 I am not sure how a man can be totally passive, and she do all the work, our bedroom adventures are not like that, he surely takes some charge, BUT he has always preferred me on top, his favorite position. I also read the more Beta males love to eat the woman out -another bingo! And my husband has no interest in Doggie. I bet that is very popular with the Alphas? 

.... And he seriously gets the MOST turned on when I am showing him how MUCH & how bad I want him, he eats that up like candy. Never repulsed. 

I did however cause him performance pressure for a short time, I was really pushing it though, trying to get sex out of him twice a day when he was 45. That was TOO, especially when he was used to once a week before that epidosde. He never grew mad and still wanted me to bother him- I am not sure many men would have this attitude! I learned how to get his mind off of it very nicely & we got over that hurdle. All I need to do is show my incessant desire & it works like a charm. 


> I said try as you might things just don't happen for me in a passive role. I am sure on some level I was not as interested and it likely showed. .....
> 
> As an example, for a while she liked being on top. I don't like this, but will do it for her. She thought I lacked interest as I didn't seem to get there, similar to a situation in the car years back when she may have thought I was not turned on or interested by her efforts.


 Interesting. These things would never happen with us ! I have been seriously amused at how a little aggression TURNS my husband on, some of our :rofl: moments in the bedroom! 

And heavens*, when I was passive *and NOT showing interest, he freaking felt rejected -it was the craziest thing! This has been our saving grace -me opening up & chasing him.  



> She made a comment about tying me down and I completely lost all interest, physically lost interest, completely.


 Since you say this, I think we should try it now ! Still never did, it is likely something he would like then. ha ha 



> I read a "take me" posting by a woman, other women agreed they liked this when their husbands did it. I say I am all on board with this one!


 YOU will find plenty more women in this world that are the submissives, ALL their fantasies are being taken... me among them of coarse. But I would say - 50 % of my fantasies are creating the arousal & coming on to the man. Maybe even more than half !! 

And amazingly, in accordence with nature - I have always gravitated towards the shyer guys, probably cause I instinctively knew I could have my way with them. ha ha 

I don't think we can change our natures- as you so described AB1 - so best to be matched with what works for us. Seems you and yours had to work a little harder since she really wanted to get more aggressive than you cared for .

INteresting stuff!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

More importantly. Who gets the wet spot?


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## AB1 (Oct 25, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am not sure how a man can be totally passive, and she do all the work, our bedroom adventures are not like that, he surely takes some charge, BUT he has always preferred me on top, his favorite position. I also read the more Beta males love to eat the woman out -another bingo! And my husband has no interest in Doggie. I bet that is very popular with the Alphas?


I am sure you are correct...a man is not completely passive. As for myself, I love to eat the woman out. But admit, my favorite positions are doggie and her on her side, one leg between my legs, while I hold the other up or out in front of her. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> .... And he seriously gets the MOST turned on when I am showing him how MUCH & how bad I want him, he eats that up like candy. Never repulsed.


Yes, I think this is a great thing for most all men. 




SimplyAmorous said:


> I did however cause him performance pressure for a short time, I was really pushing it though, trying to get sex out of him twice a day when he was 45. That was TOO, especially when he was used to once a week before that epidosde. He never grew mad and still wanted me to bother him- I am not sure many men would have this attitude!


Interesting how similar people can be yet different in other ways. I'd say bother me all you want WOMAN!  




SimplyAmorous said:


> YOU will find plenty more women in this world that are the submissives, ALL their fantasies are being taken... me among them of coarse. But I would say - 50 % of my fantasies are creating the arousal & coming on to the man. Maybe even more than half !!


Very nice. You seem like you have a good fit. I think my wife has been surprised by my level of dominant desire, given my somewhat hiding this for a while, not sure what she would think, mainly because she had some bad experiences before we were married. Not that there is any disrespect in our relationship because this is not the case, but rather buffered somewhat based upon what she told me. 

I bet you can have both on some level. We actually progressed by talking about what we needed after a long period not having what we needed. Now I would say "hey woman...you got a cowboy coming for lunch... so let me know if you can get the afternoon off." Big changes that work for us. 

I agree with the nature part and not being able to change. But in our situation we did not address issues to the extent we should have addressed them. I think my wife was confused, seeing what she defined as a nice guy, thinking on some level this dictated all actions as passive in some way.


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## Erom (Jan 24, 2012)

I think I would enjoy if my wife became more aggressive, not so much to be dominated (although, there's a chance i could go for that too) but more so that I know she was (by trying to control, instruct?) getting everything she could out of sex between us

with rare exception (after over thirty years...) it seems that when we have sex its going through the motions, and as soon as she's tired or a little uncomfortable, it's time to call it a night.

I tried bringing a little lite bondage into it, but even after we/tried to go along with the idea.. it just didn't really do much for either of us (at least together) but, it interests me more than ever, I guess to the point of being a fetish.... (mine, not hers, so I don't push it, just leaving the gear out every now and then to see if she will take advantage or it/me again some time.... not holding my breath, but not giving up either...


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## anna garret 01 (Jan 22, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> More importantly. Who gets the wet spot?


 talk to us.....what do you like ...why are always so negative.....talk to me babe.........


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## Erom (Jan 24, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> More importantly. Who gets the wet spot?


If it meant I got to help make the wet spot more often.... I'ld glad to take it.....


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

hmmmm i am *The Liberated Lover
55% partner focus, 76% aggressiveness, 90% adventurousness*



> Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that:
> 
> You prefer your romance and love to wild and daring rather than typical or boring, you would rather pursue than be pursued and, when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction comes more from providing a wonderful time to your partner than simply seeking your own.
> 
> ...


but i want to be taken in hand though.

I already know i am a high dominance female.

husband was..

*The Carnal Lover
32% partner focus, 76% aggressiveness, 60% adventurousness*


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## Erom (Jan 24, 2012)

I would love to be dominated in the bedroom by my wife, but she isn't in to it (yet) 

Some tinkering with self bondage on my part, and "allowing" her to catch me have allowed a little fun from time to time, but she hasn't taken the initiative to push it any farther than just taking advantage of my predicament at the time, sitting on my face and making me orally get her off and then, quickly releasing me to go one with her vanilla sex interests... (better than no interest, but looking for more when I restrained myself, which I enjoy in and of itself)

I've told her that she can ask/tell me to do "anything" and I would most likely do it to make her happy, but little has changed

I wanted her take it to the next level, maybe one weekend I might have to mail the keys to my cuffs and collar on Thursday so that Saturday afternoon the keys should arrive (a spare set hidden, just in case) and leave a note in the kitchen that she has me too herself until the mailman shows up with the keys

I can only hope she comes home alone, ray: (although if she happens to bring home a friend, it could be another fantasy come true) 

Since no one else has a key to our house, including the kids, who no longer live at home, I won't need to be worried about being discovered by anyone else


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

SA,

I haven't read through the entire thread but has anyone mentioned Fetlife to you? It is a website devoted to fetishes primarily but if I recall they do have a couple of sections on dominant women and mistresses. I'm sure there are many on there who could offer you insight into this particular relationship dynamic. And before you ask it is not a sight for perverts. Unless that is the particular fetish you are into and in that case they probably have a section on there for that as well.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Beowulf said:


> SA,
> 
> I haven't read through the entire thread but has anyone mentioned Fetlife to you? It is a website devoted to fetishes primarily but if I recall they do have a couple of sections on dominant women and mistresses. I'm sure there are many on there who could offer you insight into this particular relationship dynamic. And before you ask it is not a sight for perverts. Unless that is the particular fetish you are into and in that case they probably have a section on there for that as well.


I just googled that ....hmmmm very interesting, sounds like a KINKY /bondage / Fetish facebook or something, a social networking site...

I know my husband doesn't want me to treat him like a slave or anything, I did buy a book on introductory BDSM & had a lively conversation with him one night -reading the steps to "Erotically Dominating a Submissive man"....... (my 2nd post on this page ...  click HERE )...that , for him, is going too far. 

He is simply a Sensual lover. It's all good. 

Neat site though, thank you for the mention.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just googled that ....hmmmm very interesting, sounds like a KINKY /bondage / Fetish facebook or something, a social networking site...
> 
> I know my husband doesn't want me to treat him like a slave or anything, I did buy a book on introductory BDSM & had a lively conversation with him one night -reading the steps to "Erotically Dominating a Submissive man"....... (my 2nd post on this page ...  click HERE )...that , for him, is going too far.
> 
> ...


My wife and I go there occasionally to get ideas on new things for date night. 


If you really want a good book on BDSM (for educational purposes only of course) get _Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns_.


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## Erom (Jan 24, 2012)

thanks, have seen it mentioned a few times as well as a couple other sites that primarily deal with fetishes and bondage, but seems more like a swinger scene with bondage thrown in.

Not what I'm looking for (at least not even thinking that way at this point) just wanting my wife to be more aggressive, to tell me more often what she wants, and before anyone says it, yes I've asked.... "tell me what you want me to do, tell me to do anything, and I'll try it at least once and if either of us like it, we'll do it some more..."

Dominated, might be too strong a word for what I'm looking for, not into pain or humiliation per say, just trying to stretch our bounderies farther in the bedroom, especially since our kids our out of our house and we have more privacy than we have had for a lot of years....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Erom said:


> thanks, have seen it mentioned a few times as well as a couple other sites that primarily deal with fetishes and bondage, but seems more like a swinger scene with bondage thrown in.
> 
> Not what I'm looking for (at least not even thinking that way at this point) just wanting my wife to be more aggressive, to tell me more often what she wants, and before anyone says it, yes I've asked.... "tell me what you want me to do, tell me to do anything, and I'll try it at least once and if either of us like it, we'll do it some more..."
> 
> Dominated, might be too strong a word for what I'm looking for, not into pain or humiliation per say, just trying to stretch our bounderies farther in the bedroom, especially since our kids our out of our house and we have more privacy than we have had for a lot of years....


Yeah, ha ha, I just took the time to sign up to that site, just to see what it was all about.....Whooaaaa, lots of nudes & videos popped up ...it is a social sexual networking site...I think I'll comfortably kick back and stay here at TAM , ha ha

What you are saying Erom is pretty much what I was trying to express too -in this thread, nothing over the top or getting into fetishes, maybe the word *dominant *was "too strong" for my meaning ...as well.

I would venture to say... some women will struggle with this..., some struggle for years even initiating ! I really feel these things are near dependent on our "inborn" temperments to some degree.......to live & breath & carry these things out naturally...with purpose. 

I have a extroverted personality / Choleric temperment ....this is the confident outgoing "take charge" geared towards Alpha...so it is kinda "easy" free flowing for me to BE more aggressive towards my husband. (where he is the laid back introverted Phlegmatic)...it all makes sense really .... If I had a man who didn't want this, we would not get along at all.... I would feel "caged' with such a man....not able to be who I am at my core. 

I tend to go on & on about temperments to this forum...so please forgive me... but have you & the wife ever looked into yours... I did a thread on it ..... with 2 different kinds of tests within this link... if you are interested...have you & the wife take the tests .... Click HERE  Would be ever so curious to hear what you both are, so I can offer some insight. 

If she is a phlegmatic like my husband, it may be like pulling teeth to get her to be more aggressive...as I have trouble with my own husband playing such a role.


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## Erom (Jan 24, 2012)

will try, but she doesn't really like to talk about sex and stuff, so I haven't even shown her this site... but maybe... thanks


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Erom said:


> will try, but she doesn't really like to talk about sex and stuff, so I haven't even shown her this site... but maybe... thanks


I understand, that's got to be tough if she won't even talk about this stuff -- click on this link...scroll down half way through the page.. and read the lists to describe the 4 tempements, which does she sound like the most...

The 4 Temperaments ...Choleric / Melancholic / Phlegmatic / Sanguine

This should give you some idea -without a test.

Ignore me if I am asking you too many questions !!


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## Erom (Jan 24, 2012)

not a problem, that's what we're supposedly here for, more information...:bringiton:


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

I haven't read this whole thread but I"ll chime in and say I'd love my wife to be more aggressive. It's not so much because I want to be 'dominated,' but more about the enthusiasm. Plus 'cowgirl' is my absolute favorite. You can't half-ass it when you are dominating and taking charge. It is the sexiest thing in the world when my wife gets into this mode, and doesn't happen _nearly_ as often as I'd like..


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

nader said:


> I haven't read this whole thread but I"ll chime in and say I'd love my wife to be more aggressive. It's not so much because I want to be 'dominated,' but more about the enthusiasm. Plus 'cowgirl' is my absolute favorite. You can't half-ass it when you are dominating and taking charge. It is the sexiest thing in the world when my wife gets into this mode, and doesn't happen _nearly_ as often as I'd like..










....that is exactly what it is all about. Even in my inhibited days, it was near always Cowgirl , forever his favorite. I just wanted the lights out back then..but I always had the passion... 

Last time we were Christmas shopping, he bought me a little "cowgirl" ornament, but it doesn't hang on the tree -it hangs on the Big mirror by our bed, no more lights out either.


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## ChuckOlder (Dec 15, 2011)

I just love this thread. I can so relate to your husband and it sounds like you are a lot like my wife!!!

It can make for an interesting dynamic and very interesting sex.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ChuckOlder said:


> I just love this thread. I can so relate to your husband and it sounds like you are a lot like my wife!!!
> 
> It can make for an interesting dynamic and very interesting sex.


Wow, your 1st post - nice. Question.....how long did it take you to realize you had this unique dynamic....in your marraige ? From the get go ...or as the years rolled past? 

As for us.... we squandered alot of years not realizing the potential of what it could have been.... . But we're here now, thankfully.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Head games. Sorta.

Its interesting how my tastes have changed a little as I get older. I have pretty much always been the aggressor in bed.. seems to work for us. Over the past few years (gads this is embarassing to express even to a bunch of freaking strangers).. I do find the idea of a woman who would pretty much 'take control of the operation from soup to nuts', pretty stimulating. That sort of includes some kind of direction, verbal or otherwise. My wife does sometimes (very rarely) take charge and...without getting into needless details... it is fantastically, uhm.. exciting.. and different for us. 

I think part of it is simply change of pace. Lets fall back on the old 'bologna sandwich for lunch' analogy shall we? 25 years of bologna sandwiches (ok... some have lettuce, some have ketchup, some on a rollup, some drippy, some spicy, some on plain old white bread, with pickles or without?) bottom line is... its still bologna.

Tuna can seem like a pretty radical change for your tastebuds after all that bologna. (OK.. maybe PB&J is a better choice here.)

Dominant can mean a pretty wide array of things to different people. 'cowgirl' isnt a change in psychosexual dynamics for me... its just another position, and that is probably 4th or so on our list. Other little changes can make a big difference however. My wife has never talked dirty in bed, that would be one thing. She has however sort of 'held me down' (kind of funny) to get a little something she wants and is unusually stimulating. Seeing her cave into carnal delights and desires, almost using me, just makes me crazy.

On the flip side - I found out a few years ago that she like to have her hair pulled from behind a little. (clarification.. pulled a 'little', likes a "LOT".. really get her fired up). I have a sneaky suspicion that there is no shortage of women that like their hair pulled.

Neither one of us are into ANY form of humilition or abuse, or even role playing really. Total turn off. Humiliation though, if you think about it carefully.. is many shades of gray.. as is role playing I suppose. Injecting a little unpredictability into the event has its own rewards.

Anyway - interesting topic. For me, I think the take away is that it can be easy to simply waltz into a routine... even if you dont think its a routine. Having the courage to step out of your sexual comfort zone, I think... can yield some very nice things if done with care - you need to be able to get wherever you are going together as a couple.


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## ChuckOlder (Dec 15, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Wow, your 1st post - nice. Question.....how long did it take you to realize you had this unique dynamic....in your marraige ? From the get go ...or as the years rolled past?
> 
> As for us.... we squandered alot of years not realizing the potential of what it could have been.... . But we're here now, thankfully.



I would say it was there from the get go, but it took us a many years to realize exactly what it was and how to handle it. We still struggle with it at times, but it is more us still learning to communicate with each other in our relationship than anything else.

Looking back I could see it was there from the beginning, with two moments being stuck in my mind where she took charge to get what made her feel good or to get what she wanted. I loved it and learned that I loved seeing her needs and desires met and the pleasure it gave her. I thought she loved it too since she is naturally a strong woman, but in the naivety of our young relationship, I failed to see that she wanted the same from me on ocassion. And since I failed to give it, she pulled back a bit.

She had expectations, sounding similar to your fantasies, about what her man should be and do in the bedroom. I guess I could say that I was too nice of a guy and tried to concern myself with her feelings and emotions when she just wanted me to take charge and do it. For example, I may have thought she was too tired or too upset or too something to be interested, so I wouldn't pursue things. In reality she wanted the assurance that sex brought to her and wanted me to push things along. I still struggle with that some still.

So I guess in short, yes, we squandered quite a few years too, but we are now settling into more comfort with what each other can do and brings to the bedroom.

Hope that makes sense, in rereading it I'm not sure it does


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ChuckOlder said:


> She had expectations, sounding similar to your fantasies, about what her man should be and do in the bedroom. *I guess I could say that I was too nice of a guy and tried to concern myself with her feelings and emotions when she just wanted me to take charge and do it**. For example, I may have thought she was too tired or too upset or too something to be interested, so I wouldn't pursue things. *In reality she wanted the assurance that sex brought to her and wanted me to push things along. I still struggle with that some still.
> 
> So I guess in short, yes, we squandered quite a few years too, but we are now settling into more comfort with what each other can do and brings to the bedroom.
> 
> Hope that makes sense, in rereading it I'm not sure it does


Makes all the sense in the world TO ME. Are you my husband!?? . You know this made me tear up. I often feel misunderstood on this forum, and feel like I was a bad neglectful wife not knowing how her husband was feeling.... but you just spoke it here...this was ALLLLLL him....he felt the same (all that is bolded) ...just reading about another couple like us, I don't know... I very much appreciate your words, a little of your struggle in the early years. 

I sometimes feel out of the box here at this forum. We weren't communicating what we wanted either. One thing I never was ...was too tired. Just too much into our little ones...and my books. It was like he needed some sign, some invitation I "wanted" him -to pursue... half the time anyway. 

So happy for where you have come in this ! :smthumbup: . 



> Looking back I could see it was there from the beginning, with two moments being stuck in my mind where she took charge to get what made her feel good or to get what she wanted. I loved it and learned that I loved seeing her needs and desires met and the pleasure it gave her. I thought she loved it too since she is naturally a strong woman, but in the naivety of our young relationship, I failed to see that she wanted the same from me on ocassion. And since I failed to give it, she pulled back a bit.


 This is likely true of us too... I wanted MY orgasms, oh yeah, and I would get on him to make sure I got them, even from the beginning. I always felt satisfied though, I can't really say I WANTED MORE from him back then, I don't ever remember thinking that....I used to say to him...how did he get to be such a good lover not knowing anything...that is about all I ever said about sex...

I was shy about waking him up in the middle of the night - wondering if he would rather sleep... so I guess in a way, I subconsciencely wanted more also, knowing he would have jumped to be woke up would have threw my shyness out the window. 

If only we knew then...what we know now. Isn't that how it always is.


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

Have u tried watching porn together where the male is dominating? The amatur porn might be less intimidating for him and give him some ideas.....just a thought.....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MeetVirginia said:


> Have u tried watching porn together where the male is dominating? The amatur porn might be less intimidating for him and give him some ideas.....just a thought.....


My husband has 0 desire to see a man's willy doing anything... he doesn't care for it...we've had this talk.. his flavor of porn is very tame...playboy bunnies or women solo. We watch the other together too on occasion... but he spends more time laying beside me ...watching me watch it- while his hands are busy on my body...he told me seeing me get excited over that -is a turn on. 

We've also watched a nice variety of Sex therapist Dvd's for spicing up our sex life, role playing, etc... ..... He just is NOT the dominating type, you either are or you are not, ya know. If I kept carrying a torch for this change, it would have destructed many beautiful things.. 

I have accepted him for the SENSUAL LOVER that he is....(the slow hand with the easy touch man).....it's all good.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I know what you mean about the power of rejection BUT I rarely rejected him in reality, he just didn't persue -he suffered in silence WAY WAY more. In 20 yrs, I might have rejected him (too tired, busy) less than I can count on 1 hand. He just says he was always in the mood but didnt' want to bother me, HE wanted ME to come on to him EVEN THEN, when he had a HIGHER DRIVE. He often scratched my back hoping for more, but if I did not give him some sign/touch I wanted more, he rolled over. He is baffling. We only had sex once a week cause he still usually waited for me to come to him, or a touch from a back scratch started things. He could handle the wait I guess.
> 
> Now it is ALOT cause he knows/has that assurance I want it.
> He is much happier & satisfied now. He used to be grouchy & mean but he still never sat me down & talked to me about it.
> ...


OMG that sounds exactly like me! The Wife and I were talking yesterday about how I can't help feeling like I was bothering her for sex if you will. I know better in my head but I think the era I was raised in (you know, men want sex but women tolerate it kind of thought) plays a big part and the nice guy thing plays right into it.

That being said I like her to take the lead a lot but do have fantasies about me being dominant and aggressive but haven't quite figured out how she feels about it. We talk about everything but on somethings like this she gets a little vague. That makes it difficult to figure out. 

Any advice SA?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i dont prefer dominant women in bed myself, but it would be nice to be with someone who who could show a little effort if she is feeling in the mood rather than someone who is either not interested at all or thinks that it is 100% men do this and women do that and the lines never cross.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Stonewall said:


> OMG that sounds exactly like me! The Wife and I were talking yesterday about how I can't help feeling like I was bothering her for sex if you will. I know better in my head but I think the era I was raised in (you know, men want sex but women tolerate it kind of thought) plays a big part and the nice guy thing plays right into it.


 I am sure the era had much to do with it, he was raised in a house where he never saw any outright affection/kisses, his mom would shew him out of the room if any bedroom scene was showing on TV, but he could watch the most vile Fright fest television could offer. He admits to feeling "sex" had to be hidden away, it wasn't something talked about. He was repressed, he didn't hang with Bad boys talking up a storm about their libidos & jumping girls. 

Well we have established Stonewall, you have the same temperment (1 out of 16) as my husband so I guess if a woman marries a "Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging" man (I know you have a little bit of thinking in there too).....women, take initiative and show them they are wanted cause....these men are very very very sensitve to how we act, react and do not want to do anything to "push" -that goes against their nature, the aggressiveness is not something that comes naturally. 

Interesting- as it may be. If they had a better sexual education, that might help, being raised in a diffenrent era ! 



> That being said I like her to take the lead a lot but do have fantasies about me being dominant and aggressive but haven't quite figured out how she feels about it. We talk about everything but on somethings like this she gets a little vague. That makes it difficult to figure out.


 kinda surprised your wife is "vague" - not giving you ideas/direction. I know you always say I am just like her. I've been alot of things in my time, but "'vague" was never one of them. 

Advice - does she want that - I assume all women want that once in a while, the fact you have the fantasies is good. I have a question though... did these fantasies start AFTER you started the Test therapy ...or you always had them?

5 Moves Women Love In Bed, But Can Be Too Afraid To Ask For - The Frisky


Why some women love men to dominate them sexually  .... I really like this article -it is true... this is how women feel.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am sure the era had much to do with it, he was raised in a house where he never saw any outright affection/kisses, his mom would shew him out of the room if any bedroom scene was showing on TV, but he could watch the most vile Fright fest television could offer. He admits to feeling "sex" had to be hidden away, it wasn't something talked about. He was repressed, he didn't hang with Bad boys talking up a storm about their libidos & jumping girls.
> 
> Well we have established Stonewall, you have the same temperment (1 out of 16) as my husband so I guess if a woman marries a "Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging" man (I know you have a little bit of thinking in there too).....women, take initiative and show them they are wanted cause....these men are very very very sensitve to how we act, react and do not want to do anything to "push" -that goes against their nature, the aggressiveness is not something that comes naturally.
> 
> ...


definitely after therapy. Its not an aggressive thing that's weird or anything like that. Just normal male kinda stuff. Although when I think about it I guess it sounds strange that a fantasy is what would be considered normal to most guys.

As far as the vague goes; she is almost never vague about what she wants unless she isn't sure in a given situation what she wants. I am the only man she has ever been with and since I am natured like your hubs is then she has never had a chance to experience the other side so I think she is vague because she just has no experience with a guy like that and as a result doesn't know whether she wants it or not.

She also knows how sensitive I can be sometimes so I think she holds back sometimes trying to spare my feelings in such intimate things. What little bit of ego I have (very little) is fragile in that area. But might just be me being overly analytical. I don't know. 

Did I make that sound convoluted or does it make sense?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Stonewall said:


> definitely after therapy. Its not an aggressive thing that's weird or anything like that. Just normal male kinda stuff. Although when I think about it I guess it sounds strange that a fantasy is what would be considered normal to most guys.


I kinda thought this might be the case.....so if and until my husband gets some Test Therapy... chances are his fantasies will remain on the receptive. Oh well, what can you do! It is all TESTOSTERONE related for the most part. Even in his youth though, he never had a thrill for the chase- like most men. If I would have turned him down when he asked me to go with him, I would have sealed my fate ....or had to go after him, he only asks once, he doesn't push. 



> I am the only man she has ever been with and since I am natured like your hubs is then she has never had a chance to experience the other side so I think she is vague because she just has no experience with a guy like that and as a result doesn't know whether she wants it or not.


 My imagination is enough to know it would be pretty sweet, but funny... how I never cared either --till I had a Hormonal boost. Our hormones seem to have us by the throat, what we want. 



> She also knows how sensitive I can be sometimes so I think she holds back sometimes trying to spare my feelings in such intimate things. What little bit of ego I have (very little) is fragile in that area. But might just be me being overly analytical. I don't know.


 No, my husband is just like you again. Though your wife has been much kinder than me in this area, I have outrightly shown frustration with him in the past, what I called my meltdowns .... ....we always made up quickly though, with me very sorry for going off on him....I go out of my way to make him feel better though, he knows I mean it.. it is not just words.

Neither of us can stand to be mad at each other... like the world has lost it's meaning, all color turns to grey.... we can hardly function. An hour or 2 later, we are all over each other again. What can I say.... I am not perfect. 

Even that frustration, a symptom of high test...just like us women have our time of pms, I had mine last week, I was feeling "down", extra sensitive somehow, I was even deleting posts I put on here left & right. Then the cloud passed. How do we shake these things, I don't know, it is a part of us. 


So to appreciate and forgive what we are , if we are doing our best, even if we loose it once in a while or miss it, but keep jumping back in the wagon .

We can't let this happen to us...


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

In the past she could be brutal in a meltdown but sex was the one place she spared me. I think she knew it would devastate me. For this I am extremely thankful. That might have been the straw that broke the camels back.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

In our better days my wife made a transition from being relatively passive despite having a HD to enjoy taking complete control just as often as giving it. 

Many women seem to think men are threatened by woman taking charge in the bedroom. I think that is true for a minority but for most us love it. However most women seem to want the man to be in charge in the bedroom most of the time.

It didn't threaten me. We did occasionally role play but nothing too "out there".

I will never forget one time she came home and I was kind of sleeping of couch. She was wearing a skirt and then just pulled off her underwear and jumped on my chest. With barely so much as a "hello" she said "I'm going to need you to go down on my right now". After we both stopped laughing that is exactly what happened.

I think if both of you are secure and not fighting over control in the relationship at large, then why should there be any problem with changing roles in the bedroom. Then shes gets exactly what she wants when she wants it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Stonewall said *: In the past she could be brutal in a meltdown but sex was the one place she spared me. I think she knew it would devastate me. For this I am extremely thankful. That might have been the straw that broke the camels back


 She must know that then.

When I say "the past"...I just meant my 8 months of high drive (3 yrs ago), those were my only meltdowns really...it was also the greatest time for us at the same time, which really just heightened everything, the emotional and the physical. 

I was grouchy & moody about infertility many yrs ago -but he knew that had nothing to do with being upset with him, I was more upset at the situation... unfortunetly this took a hit on my sex drive & normally bubbly attitude....which brought him "down" as well. Had we not experiecend that , it could have avoided his slow hurt over not getting enough. 

My husband always tells me the Good far outweighs the bad...... Which I am sure it is in your marraige also Stonewall... even in those early yrs. 

Just a few days ago, lying together after making love, I brought up the past again (I need to stop doing this!!)...about how I would get frustrated with him & hurting him like that....He says “There is not another woman on this earth that could match up to you”.. I said.... “but I’m b***hy” he said “don’t matter…..the good far outweighs the bad”. I asked him (seriously) looking in his eyes ..”What would you change about me if you could”…..he says “I wouldn’t change anything about you, I love you just the way you are”…....I start balling asking him how he can say that ! He said “get a grip!” and we both start :rofl:.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Very familiar sounding conversation. It is so true. The good is so good now a days that the bad just seems like a dream. As if I saw it on a movie 3rd person. I've told her no woman could reach her standard in my mind. If something ever happened to her I would never remarry. It would be terrible to the other woman because I would always judge her by the standard my wife set.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Stonewall said:


> If something ever happened to her I would never remarry. It would be terrible to the other woman because I would always judge her by the standard my wife set.


You know this is coming Stonewall....my husband always says he would never marry again too. He never added the part you did here in those words but that likely encompasses why. Me, on the other hand, I would marry again, I just don't like to be alone. He says the kids would be enough for him. I would get extremely bored and want a man around. And my Girlfriends simply could not fill that void. 

Yep, you 2 are our "Twins" in the couple department it appears.... amazing how much you THINK like my husband . 

I found this forum on the net the other day... haven't posted there yet but I think I might highly enjoy this place, it is a *Temperment forum*...

PersonalityCafe


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I think most of you are confusing 'dominant' with 'competent'.


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## ChuckOlder (Dec 15, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Makes all the sense in the world TO ME. Are you my husband!?? . You know this made me tear up. I often feel misunderstood on this forum, and feel like I was a bad neglectful wife not knowing how her husband was feeling.... but you just spoke it here...this was ALLLLLL him....he felt the same (all that is bolded) ...just reading about another couple like us, I don't know... I very much appreciate your words, a little of your struggle in the early years..


You are TOOOOO sweet and very welcome! It is easy to feel alone on this topic or any that is of an intimate nature. When it comes to dealing with how we see parts of our world, especially those with emotional or passionate tents to their colors, it can be difficult for anyone to see just what shades we see. They don't get how just saying something is red doesn't actually makes it red it everyone else's eyes. It may have more orange shades to it and while that may not matter to everyone else, it matters to you and until someone else comes along that it matters to, you can feel alone and misunderstood.

I know what you mean when you talk about feeling like the bad, neglectful wife. I made my wife feel the same way and strangely enough, it pains me to read those words knowing that is how I made her feel. At no time was that in my mind, if anything I felt I was doing everything to tend to her comfort.




SimplyAmorous said:


> If only we knew then...what we know now. Isn't that how it always is.


YEP!!!!!! Reading the back and forth with you and Stonewall, I could easily have said those words for myself and been part of that conversation. It sounds like I could very easily fit the description of your husband, with the exception that I do have some male dominant fantasies (even some where I'm not the male dominating her, I know I know I'm a sick puppy but that requires a whole new therapy session to deal with ).

So in short, rest assured that you are not alone in the world and there are those of us who understand what you deal with. 

Glad to hear that you have found your happy place in who you two are!!!!! If you have any other questions feel free to ask and I will do my best to answer.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My question to you Chuck Older is this... I would love to hear what your temperment is ....have you ever taken such tests before ? I wonder IF you are an ISFJ as well (just like Stonewall & my husband)...... I wouldn't be surprised ,if so. (Stonewall has a little more THINKING mixed in with his FEELING though over my husband)

You are surely an Introvert for one, and likely a primary Phlegmatic... those are my guesses for sure. 

If you get a moment, would love to hear what you are - and your wife, if she knows you are on here. She has got to be the Extrovert . 

I did a thread on all the temperments ....2 different types of tests --all explained here >>> 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html



> I made my wife feel the same way and strangely enough, it pains me to read those words knowing that is how I made her feel. At no time was that in my mind, if anything I felt I was doing everything to tend to her comfort


 I also would like to know ...did you , like my husband, have some silent resentment going on - over your wife not giving you as much sex as you wanted back in those yrs that were squandered? ....since you said your wife also felt the bad neglectful wife as well.

Thank you ChuckOlder...so nice you stumbled upon my thread here !


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## kc8 (Mar 12, 2012)

I am reading ur posts and my opinion is that I think your husband would enjoy u to stimulate him with anal, try rubbing the outside & slipping a wet finger in when ur giving him a bj and see his enjoyment
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kc8 said:


> I am reading ur posts and my opinion is that I think your husband would enjoy u to stimulate him with anal, try rubbing the outside & slipping a wet finger in when ur giving him a bj and see his enjoyment


He would smack me for sure ....that is one place I am not allowed to venture, had that conversation a # of times with him.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I think most of you are confusing 'dominant' with 'competent'.


:iagree: :rofl:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Runs like Dog said:


> I think most of you are confusing 'dominant' with 'competent'.


Ok....why I used the word Dominant... (this thread is over 2 yrs old)..... when I 1st came here.... I was seeking answers to some questions I had, I wasn't the most sexually educated broad around by any means...... and I started getting very bent out of shape by some posts by "Big Bad Wolf", basically saying things like this (one of my 1st threads  HERE  ..."....1. A woman WILL RESENT a weak man. 2. A man strives to *dominate*, a woman strives to be *dominated*. A women that does not feel *dominated* will feel insecure and "provoke" the man in attempt to test his mettle. "

ALOT of "domination" language was going on , and well I started to use it myself --cause truly I was more of the initiator and more dominate than my own husband at that time! 

The wrong word... probably !! As we are in no way , shape or form into S & M. I am not a Biker woman with whips & chains or anything like that, I am not putting him on a leash. Ha ha


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ok....why I used the word Dominant... (this thread is over 2 yrs old)..... when I 1st came here.... I was seeking answers to some questions I had, I wasn't the most sexually educated broad around by any means...... and I started getting very bent out of shape by some posts by "Big Bad Wolf", basically saying things like this (one of my 1st threads  HERE  ..."....1. A woman WILL RESENT a weak man. 2. A man strives to *dominate*, a woman strives to be *dominated*. A women that does not feel *dominated* will feel insecure and "provoke" the man in attempt to test his mettle. "
> 
> ALOT of "domination" language was going on , and well I started to use it myself --cause truly I was more of the initiator and more dominate than my own husband at that time!
> 
> The wrong word... probably !! As we are in no way , shape or form into S & M. I am not a Biker woman with whips & chains or anything like that, I am not putting him on a leash. Ha ha


I just got a mental picture that I am finding it hard to shake. I'm going to go hug my wife now.


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## ChuckOlder (Dec 15, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My question to you Chuck Older is this... I would love to hear what your temperment is ....have you ever taken such tests before ?


Sorry for the delay in responding, life gets in the way sometimes .

According to the test my wife and I are exact opposites .

Comparing the totals of the first two columns with the totals from the third and fourth columns were....

For columns 1 and 2

Wife 28 (1 = 22, 2 = 6) Me 12 (1 = 6 2 = 6)

For columns 3 and 4

Wife 12 (3 = 12, 4 = 0) Me 28 (3 = 11, 4 = 15)

So she is the extrovert and I'm the introvert.




SimplyAmorous said:


> I also would like to know ...did you , like my husband, have some silent resentment going on - over your wife not giving you as much sex as you wanted back in those yrs that were squandered? ....since you said your wife also felt the bad neglectful wife as well.
> 
> Thank you ChuckOlder...so nice you stumbled upon my thread here !


No silent resentment over the lack of sex, but more resentment about how she interepreted my lack of persistence. She took it more of a sign of lack of love or desire for her and other things just piled on top of that to increase doubt in her mind. It didn't matter how I tried to explain myself or my reasons for doing things, she was set in her interpretations of my actions (or inaction in this case).


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I was told there would be no math.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ChuckOlder said:


> According to the test my wife and I are exact opposites .
> 
> Comparing the totals of the first two columns with the totals from the third and fourth columns were....
> 
> ...


 I figured this out for you..... You are exactly the same thing as my husband is...... which is no surprise to me at all -you are a Phlegmatic Melancholy! (both of those temperments are generally introverted so you have a double dose).... and your wife is a little different than me... She is very very strong in the 
Sanguine (at 28 -wow!) / with Menancholy as her secondary temperment .... at least you 2 should understand each other in the Melancholy part. She has zero Phleg in her, I had near Zero in me also. (I think I might have had 2 when I took the test)



> No silent resentment over the lack of sex, but more resentment about how she interepreted my lack of persistence. She took it more of a sign of lack of love or desire for her and other things just piled on top of that to increase doubt in her mind. It didn't matter how I tried to explain myself or my reasons for doing things, she was set in her interpretations of my actions (or inaction in this case).


 That is interesting to me, I have said the closest thing I have EVER came to resenting my husband .... was over his lack of tooting his own horn & making more of a FUSS- when he wanted more & not getting more creative with me to get what he wanted (in hindsite of course..cause I really was happy back then, no complaints). 

I have had to lay aside the lenghts I have went to (in comparison) or I can get downright angry if I play this up in my mind ....but ....I never felt it was cause he didn't love me. And I never doubted his desire back then either, even though I was not thinking about it too much. 

To be honest, I have a hard time grasping it too- just cause I don't THINK like a phlegmatic at all, and neither does your wife. ...her score shows that- that should give you a little comfort anyway. *Is all resolved now ChuckOlder?* 

Again ....it is good to hear from another Phleg/Melancholy on this issue.... funny how often you get matched with us more extroverted women....it helps when we can pull these things out of you ... know & understand your very sensitive natures. I've learned so very much! 

Stonewall said this in a different thread.... when he gets around alot of people he is looking for the exit. Just yesterday, I mentioned us going out somewhere with friends... my husband moaned a little and joked he'll be looking for the exit... that is his new line now.


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## ChuckOlder (Dec 15, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> *Is all resolved now ChuckOlder?*.


I would say this is still the biggest communication hurdle in our marriage, but we know each other better and are better able to deal with it.




SimplyAmorous said:


> Stonewall said this in a different thread.... when he gets around alot of people he is looking for the exit. Just yesterday, I mentioned us going out somewhere with friends... my husband moaned a little and joked he'll be looking for the exit... that is his new line now.



Funny thing is I used to be this way. Now I enjoy gatherings. Can't say I go out looking for them, but when they happen I enjoy them. Some of it is more me able to relax, but more of it is I enjoy seeing my wife enjoy herself. I have learned to feed off of that.


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## jambo5 (May 29, 2012)

I definitely prefer dominant women, and I always have. My wife is dominant. Not in a whips and chains sense, but we both prefer her in control of what we do sexually. Outside of the bedroom we are pretty much equal, although she enjoys occasionally hinting at her dominance by making a veiled comment or two in front of friends. It just is a good fit for us as a couple. 

I think that when we met she "pretended" not to be dominant for fear of my judging her by societal norms, and I "pretended" to be dominant for the same reason. But through bedroom experience, we both discovered that our natural inclinations "clicked" with each other. I am sometimes "on top" or doing other things to please her which turn her on, but we both know who is in control at all times. It has changed a bit in that she has asked me to reshape my body somewhat based on her preferences (slim and fit through running and cycling), while she has enjoyed doing strength training so that she is a bit physically stronger than I am (we are both 5'7", 140lbs). Again, we both seem to like this. I couldn't be happier than I am now.


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## Dado (Aug 4, 2012)

Hi SimplyAmorous, 
Great topic... I am among those guys who are aroused by dominant women who constantly take initiative in bed. I grew up in a quite conservative environment so it took me a while to understand that I really get turned on only when the woman takes the lead and the fact that there are not too many women like that made my sexual life much less gratifying than expected. This does not mean that I am not masculine. At the same time I am not into extreme fetish or any sort of pain; in my view sex is about loving pleasure for both partners. I would just like to be in a "normal" (I am not sure normality really exists) sexual relationship where the roles are exactly the opposite as historically been the case.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Dado said:


> Hi SimplyAmorous,
> Great topic... I am among those guys who are aroused by dominant women who constantly take initiative in bed. I grew up in a quite conservative environment so it took me a while to understand that I really get turned on only when the woman takes the lead and the fact that there are not too many women like that made my sexual life much less gratifying than expected.


My husband also grew up in that quiet "never dare talk about sex" with shooing the kids out of the room if God forbid some heavy kissing was on the tube ... that type of environment, I don't think he ever saw his parents kiss. 

My husband also never had no big allure for Chasing women-like a Testosterone RUSH many men seem to have ....though he would put himself out there if he was interested.... He told me once with a big  he'd rather have them chase him! I just :rofl: 



> This does not mean that I am not masculine. At the same time I am not into extreme fetish or any sort of pain; in my view sex is about loving pleasure for both partners. I would just like to be in a "normal" (I am not sure normality really exists) sexual relationship where the roles are exactly the opposite as historically been the case.


 All your words mirror my husband as well. No pain or Fetish's interest him at all....just mutual pleasure...wrapped in the emotional. 

He appears to FEED off of my excitement, I know from many talks...and just how it IS with us... how utterly important MY DESIRE is to him in sex.. so yeah..when a woman is a bit aggressive....well I guess that just kinda JUMPS out..written all over that ! 

When we got together decades ago, we didn't realize what an awesome match we were...bummer... my being sexually Repressed ...and his being on the passive side - probably even desiring my LEAD then -wasn't doing us too many favors...and we didn't talk about sex or our fantasies at all. Took us a while, but we got it all figured out now!

Thank you for sharing Dado !


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'd be happy if she took charge of HER OWN desires.


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## Dado (Aug 4, 2012)

Thanks SimplyAmourous. 
I believe the problem arises because a "traditional woman" feels that if the man is not chasing her he is not interested enough / at all. 
On top of this generally women who are prettier tend to be even more passive (doll like) and expect the man to court them and take the lead in bed. It depends on where you live but I do not think that things have improved so much in the last 20-30 years (from the 70s I mean). From my experience only certain places are more balanced like NYC and some nordic countries, where women are more emancipated I mean.
In my case, having grown up in a conservative environment I often felt ashamed because I did not like taking initiative. I felt there was something wrong with me... 
Your situation with your husband resemble my situation with my wife. In my case I am not sure things can ever be great but they have improved.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Dado said:


> Thanks SimplyAmourous.
> I believe the problem arises because a "traditional woman" feels that if the man is not chasing her he is not interested enough / at all.


 I don't know if "chase" is the word I would prefer...kinda like a cat & a mouse game....Many DO get a RISE out of that though. But being more traditional myself...I feel the women should take a step back in the beginnings of a budding relationship....not throwing herself at the man.....it comes off as too desperate, too easy, and this generally turns men off... 

I feel a man should be able to initiate his interest , putting himself out there - taking a risk in asking his chosen woman out, to be his girl, etc.... This is how my husband was... even in his introvertedness.... but if she wasn't interested, he was DONE, he wouldn't ask again. No chasing the mouse. He doesn't care for rejection & if she has spoken...well the woman has spoken! 

I didn't play any games ....he didn't need to chase...I gave him a chance. And our journey began. 



> On top of this generally women who are prettier tend to be even more passive (doll like) and expect the man to court them and take the lead in bed.


 Probably because they have been so pampered with attention, they have their pick of the men falling all over them...plus in the earlier years anyway.....young women generally have some inhibitions to wade through ....and with men being in their PRIME... they are natuarlly more "creative" in bed...as women come into their "Prime" in later life, some find that lead is pretty exciting, they are also feeling more confident in this. 



> Your situation with your husband resemble my situation with my wife. In my case I am not sure things can ever be great but they have improved.


 Well, you never know, all good things start with better communication .... present your story on here, start a thread, talk about what you hope to acheive... doesn't hurt... just writing things out -often gives us clarity ....plus getting some feedback is always Fun, and helpful too!


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## Dado (Aug 4, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> But being more traditional myself...I feel the women should take a step back in the beginnings of a budding relationship....not throwing herself at the man.....it comes off as too desperate, too easy, and this generally turns men off...


...exactly this is the point that shows why I am different from most men: those behaviors you mentioned would not turn me off at all (as long as she is not doing them with every man). I would REALLY like if a woman stared at me, touched my body without asking (especially shoulders and waist in public) and take initiave almost constantly in bed (as if this was the natural state of things...). I get VERY turned on when she is genuinely deriving pleasure from "using" my body....
I did not choose to be like this, it is the just way I am wired and that is why it is almost impossible to change...
When I realized that this is what I really like I tried to connect with stronger women; however it is really difficult to predict the sexual behaviour of a person. After all knowing me you would not think these are my sexual preferences; I am a very determinate and competitive person, may have some more aggressive behaviours at work, like to play many sports etc...

I hope this provides you with another confirmation that your husband is absolutely fine. I think you know it already!
Very best to you


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Dado said:


> ...exactly this is the point that shows why I am different from most men: those behaviors you mentioned would not turn me off at all (as long as she is not doing them with every man). I would REALLY like if a woman stared at me, touched my body without asking (especially shoulders and waist in public) and take initiave almost constantly in bed (as if this was the natural state of things...). I get VERY turned on when she is genuinely deriving pleasure from "using" my body....


I am sure it would make a difference if you weren't attracted to her ! Ha ha Then you'd be in the position of trying to get away... YIKES! To get her hands off of you & stop staring. You might even feel stalked if she came on THAT strong... That would surely be a LOOSE woman --ha ha 

But I am sure you are meaning .....AFTER you've established your feelings for each other ....why you said "so long as she is not doing that with other men". 

In my last post, I was just referring to the beginning stages...I am older fashioned like that ...feeling it is BEST to wait for the MAN to show his intentions... I wouldn't want to be a Pest or barking up the wrong tree, seen as TOO EASY, plus I wouldn't want to take that away from myself -his showing his heart ...*this is Romance*!! 

.....But yeah...once he's taken initiative to show he is INTO me, only me...and I felt "secure" in the relationship.... yeah.........LOOK OUT....and hang on for the ride. :rofl: I'd have ALOT of  with that !

But yeah, this is probably not the norm, I don't know... even too much of THIS is a turn off to many ALPHAs..... they still want to be the king initiators -even within marriage..I've heard some talk like this...I've paid close attention to their words....in it's way, it was comforting to me -another confirmation I married the PERFECT type FOR ME.... Some men even find they struggle to perform if the woman is too aggressive. 

I can be aggressive ! Sometimes he says "Rape"- just kidding though, he's saying it with big  on his face.. I've attacked him coming through the door after work -pulled him upstairs & had my way with him. I think he likes playing helpless. 

I've joked many times how I want to "USE" HIm, and really, not sure I am joking, I meant it too ! He doesn't care if I objectify him. I am using the term loosely of course, there is a ton of love there. But we openly JOKE like that with each other anyway. 

Out & about, I will tease him with my feet under the table, touch him while driving, I am like an octopus .....no shame -He loves the hands on attention. 

I once had someone curiously ask me about my fantasies (we all have some outside of our marriages I assume)... and as I thought about it... the truth was... I often think of taking a SHY man down. And funny, I have always & forever been more attracted to those types, seems nature knows what she is doing, I fell in alignment with what works for me. Even though it took us many years to Open that up ...and live it fully. 



> I did not choose to be like this, it is the just way I am wired and that is why it is almost impossible to change...


 I really don't know it can be changed, tweaked a little, but our fantasies DO tell a story about us & our inborn Lover Styles I believe.... I've heard a zillion women on this site say... they would love to initiate but they just CAN'T do it, they are clearly "RECEPTIVE" lovers, what can you do. They can work on it a little, but they'll never be the Temptress type..

For me...that is a living peice of cake....so long as I have 2 ingredients...in the man.... #1 - I am SECURE in his love.. and #2 - HE DESIRES ME THAT WAY. I really believe if the guy didn't appreciate it, It would depress me somehow, like I had to stuff a vibrant part of who I am . 



> After all knowing me you would not think these are my sexual preferences; I am a very determinate and competitive person, may have some more aggressive behaviours at work, like to play many sports etc...


 A little surprised by that...see nothing can be "boxed".... My husband is not these things, for instance, he wouldn't ever care to be a BOSS, he is content in the background...he also never cared for sports. Not his thing. More of a Beta Romantic soul. 



> I hope this provides you with another confirmation that your husband is absolutely fine. I think you know it already!
> Very best to you


Ha ha --Yes, I know, and even IF he was just plain WEIRD, I guess I don't care anymore -caues It works for US, and that is all that matters.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Why do I want it? A thought..... Its weird, I feel ashamed about stuff I initiate... I don’t feel any shame at all for what others do to me. So, I’ll feel guilt and shame for doing something ‘wrong’ or outside my comfort zone. I don’t feel it when someone does it to me or ask me and I will obediently comply if it doesn’t cross my boundaries (which are quite lax sexually); Closet pervert here. So, add a bunch of toxic bible belt shame towards sex and ‘demeaning women’, and I’m uncomfortable initiating much more than normal sex without having anxiety and fear. But if she has no issues crossing that line and demeaning me sexually as her personal toy.... I’m all game and willing for about anything. I sort of need a dominating woman to really enjoy sex.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Racer said:


> Why do I want it? A thought..... Its weird, I feel ashamed about stuff I initiate... I don’t feel any shame at all for what others do to me. So, I’ll feel guilt and shame for doing something ‘wrong’ or outside my comfort zone. I don’t feel it when someone does it to me or ask me and I will obediently comply if it doesn’t cross my boundaries (which are quite lax sexually); Closet pervert here. So, add a bunch of toxic bible belt shame towards sex and ‘demeaning women’, and I’m uncomfortable initiating much more than normal sex without having anxiety and fear. But if she has no issues crossing that line and demeaning me sexually as her personal toy.... I’m all game and willing for about anything. I sort of need a dominating woman to really enjoy sex.


I KNOW all too well what you are talking about here RACER... oh yeah... good ol'd purity Biblebelt messed me up too...even my husband says it did him a little...not as bad -cause he really never cared for religion too much to begin with...but me... I overtaxed my brain on it. 

I had my share of hang ups feeling God was only pleased with the "good girl" in our past...feeling so many things were "dirty"... hamster wheel of shame & guilt for the things we pleasurably enjoyed...before we were married (even though we waited for intercourse).... kinda followed me right into our marriage.... what a shame! I couldn't just turn a switch, the indoctrination was too heavy I guess. 

Shame & religion..... Been there, done that ...glad it is laid to rest. You need a new mindset - to overcome these things. 

I think once you fully come to know your partner, fall in love, not just casual sex encounters... you can grow in these things , at least in overcoming the anxiety & fear.... it all starts with sexual commuication. Once she expresses she WANTS you to do this, that & the other, and you feel it -believe it -have seen it receptively received with JOY, I would think -this would slowly dissipate... but it takes learning of your partner & her desires.


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

One thing some people keep doing is blaming religion for sexual trbls or inhibitions..They have their wrong notions till date for their Wrong Learnings from Wrong Teachers.!!



Let Me make it Clear...

Whether it is Bible, Vedic Literature etc...none of them condemns Sex...

Infact , they contain best examples of Erotic Realms and Glorify Love, Companionship,Passion and Sex.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

You're gonna have to talk to him about this, and maybe a sex counselor. 

Also the woman being on top isn't necessarily a submissive position for the man. I prefer a cowgirl position over missionary(well I prefer most any position over boring missionary) since I can get in much deeper to both my own and my gfs pleasure. Also theres the kissing, breast grabbing, nipple twisting(on her part) that spices it up.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Dan Carruthers said:


> One thing some people keep doing is blaming religion for sexual trbls or inhibitions..They have their wrong notions till date for their Wrong Learnings from Wrong Teachers.!!
> 
> Let Me make it Clear...
> 
> ...


Of course not. God is not religion. But MAN and his interpretations has screwed with SEX...Wrong teachings -absolutely....... But really....I can see where man gets this stuff from Scripture and runs with it like a Bull injuring the minds of those struggling with their budding sexuality...it's still going on to some degree....it almost sets one up for inhibitions.. so long as we take these Literal interpretations seriously. 

Man has surely twisted the enjoyments of fleshly pleasure & created SHAME for feeling a rising stirring in the loins...always in need of repentance....it begs the question if even FANTASING is permissable....when we are taught it is better to pluck our eyes out (Matt 5:27) a little LUST...heaven forbid ! At least there had to be action behind it in the old Testament, not the NEW! Young people are swimming in it...while dating... so everything surrounding the word appears DIRTY and tainted... years before we marry - condemned even in the absense of taking our pants down! .....how does one just flip the switch -once we walk down the aisle?? 

St Augustine so entangled SEX with SIN...he even suggested "the act" be used solely for procreation in marriage (in his "Confessions")... From HIS interpretations....the Church erected it's "Original Sin Doctrine"...winning the debate over other great minds attempting to interpret the fall of Adam & Eve & it's ramifications....which led directly to the Church's fundamental beliefs of today. 










Do you agree with what they teach at these "Silver Ring Thing" programs ? http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family...r-silver-ring-thing-purity-ring-movement.html

Balanced Sexual mentors are not exactly swarming in the Church pew. These subjects are more often handled with strict unbendable rules that are impossible to live up too -for our young who are marrying yrs & yrs later these days (causing the guilt & shame before their Creator).... or they are just ignored, sweeped under the rug while people live as loose as they want to live shunning what the Bible really is teaching, yet calling themselves believers. 

I often wonder the "wiser" approach to it all.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Oh, don’t get me wrong about my bible belt upbringing. That’s just a portion of the toxic shame. Add a lot of other ‘theology and sociology’ to it... “When two people love each other...” “Spirituality in sex”... “Porn is bad” ... “You don’t treat a woman as an object.”, “OMG boobies!”, “lol at a Dirty Sanchez”, etc., etc. The reality is there is a massive amount of mixed messages and experiences mucking it all up. So... its not shocking that there are a lot of ‘fence sitters’ out there stuck between the ‘chaste virgin ideal’ and the ‘wh0re I want to be’.

Compound it with a spouse that is also just as confused and fearful of being ‘used’. Honestly, I think its harder for a woman to find that balance considering the ‘role models’ presented are so vastly conflicted. With us guys, its just sort of assumed we’ll think with our man bits so we can be shameless without fear of being labeled. 

My wife just simplified her stance so she doesn’t have to worry about the label. She’s just the gatekeeper, I’m the invader. She makes me decide, ask, and control the sex life. I hold all the risk of rejection and judgement. That’s why I’d love for her to dominate me... It’d be nice to know she was sexually courageous instead of hiding behind her castle wall defending her ‘virtue’.


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## Dado (Aug 4, 2012)

Hi SimplyAmourous and Racer, I believe there is a line of truth in all the various reasons you brought up; religion, puritanism and so forth... however everyone of us is different and it is impossible to generalize without making simplistic assumptions. 

I cannot speak for other people , I believe in my case the relationship with my mother well before I was conscious of it, and the fact she has never been a very loving and nurturing soul, has played a significant role in my sexual needs. After all what we are is a combination of nature and nurture... 



Racer said:


> My wife just simplified her stance so she doesn’t have to worry about the label. She’s just the gatekeeper, I’m the invader. She makes me decide, ask, and control the sex life. I hold all the risk of rejection and judgement. That’s why I’d love for her to dominate me... It’d be nice to know she was sexually courageous instead of hiding behind her castle wall defending her ‘virtue’.


It is an interesting thought and I know what you mean. However I cannot really relate this to my experience (of course other people might be able to do that with theirs...). In other words I have a risky and challenging job, I battle with rejection and judgement day by day, I used to do extreme sports, etc... I wouldn't mind take more risks of failure and rejection in other parts of my life but when we talk sex/love all of a sudden I am a different person and certainly not because I care much about religion or the social norms in general. 

In any case right now who cares about finding explanations, reasons or excuses? It is just a question of living freely our own sexuality without being judgemental. Chances are we've got just 1 life...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Racer said:


> Oh, don’t get me wrong about my bible belt upbringing. That’s just a portion of the toxic shame. Add a lot of other ‘theology and sociology’ to it... “When two people love each other...” “Spirituality in sex”... “Porn is bad” ... “You don’t treat a woman as an object.”, “OMG boobies!”, “lol at a Dirty Sanchez”, etc., etc. The reality is there is a massive amount of mixed messages and experiences mucking it all up. So... its not shocking that there are a lot of ‘fence sitters’ out there stuck between the ‘chaste virgin ideal’ and the ‘wh0re I want to be’.


 I am so with you ! I did a thread on this subject cause I feel it robbed me/us of a part of who I am & was meant to be -for too many yrs of our marriage - One of my biggest regrets.... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...sets-collide-sexually-repressed-awakened.html

That was ME ....trying to be the chaste Virgin but deep within -there was something wanting loosed....like those bad girls...but I couldn't in good conscience, I even envied them a little! 

All in all I would have to call myself "tainted" the way we handled our sexuality before marriage. I read once when repressed, we don't really KNOW we are Repressed....after all, that is all we KNOW...so how do we change what IS... It is our mental belief, our state of mind... our mindset. Needed an overhaul a long time ago. 



> My wife just simplified her stance so she doesn’t have to worry about the label. She’s just the gatekeeper, I’m the invader. She makes me decide, ask, and control the sex life. I hold all the risk of rejection and judgement. That’s why I’d love for her to dominate me... It’d be nice to know she was sexually courageous instead of hiding behind her castle wall defending her ‘virtue’.


 I believe in Gatekeeping ONLY Before marraige... 

I feel a woman needs to guard her heart and TEST a man's motives , his TRUE intentions ....if she wants the whole package of marraige, children & a life together anyway....

But after those Vows... the Gate needs blown up!

I leave you with a quote from ThreeTimesALady (I think I already have this on this thread somewhere, but that's Ok)...bares repeating....the ending speaks of those 2 sides of EVE.... she has captured the "spirit" -that delicate balance of what it is meant to be in all it's glory -within marraige...or so I feel. 



> *Sex is *desiring him every time you look at him. Needing him to fill that wonderful yearning deep inside you that needs filling & to die for. *Sex is *having breasts that ached to be touched & loved & you can not live without it. *Sex is *waking him up in the middle of the night as you need him & want him & then you find that he wants you just as much & you make love for an hour & get up & have coffee & wonder where the years have gone. *Sex is *finding the thrill after years of a man that can still make you scream & turn you to mush. *Sex is* turning him into a crazy man who wants you more than his own life.
> 
> Now. *Love is *being able to see some fault in your lover but shutting your mouth for the good of a marriage.* Love is *having to give & take in a marriage. Learning where to stop an argument when it is not important to win. Winning sometimes can be losing. *Love is *being able to find in that precious other the boy in the man that you fell in love when you 1st married. Love is being able to go to the sexiest side of you & turn that man into mush after all these years. *Love is *being able to hear from your lover that if you die first he will follow you as he cannot live without you . *Love is *the sunshine in the morning when it is cloudy out but seeing him next to you makes your world. *Love is *being able to say screwing & not being embarrassed plus any other really dirty word in the bedroom as he loves it. The dirtier the better as we all know that ladies do not talk dirty with those wonderful words but we also know as ladies that when we enter our bedroom to our precious that we leave the lady at the door. We then turn into his sex siren. As hot & as sensual as can be. And then we all know that when we leave that bedroom we again pick up the lady. All us ladies must have the two faces of Eve. This makes for a very very fullfilling marriage, full of intimacy and Love. A man would never stray if he had this.


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## Otis C (Jun 14, 2013)

Those who suggested a list of what he wants, or is acceptable are right one. What I think many guys want, and D/S or S&M don't provide is the difference between Humiliation (degrading) and embarrassment (a situational moment). i.e. you catch him raiding your panty drawer. Humiliation is like, "Get out of my panty drawer you ****** sissy boy", Embarrassment is more like, "Oooh...so you like my Panties? Let me help you try some on, and I'll let you know when its o.k to take them off!' I'm o.k. with embarrassment, but not humiliation


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## Otis C (Jun 14, 2013)

He probably does now know where the feeling comes from but enjoys the control as a stress relief. I would suggest that you approach it with some fun, ask him for boundaries, and get clear on how far he is interested in experimenting. Personally, I'll allow myself to be embarrassed, but draw the line at humiliation (degrading words or actions). Embarrassment is just situational, where you tease him a little, and command him to do your "will". i.e. if you like my stockings so much I'm going to make you wear them to see how it feels."


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Otis C said:


> He probably does now know where the feeling comes from but enjoys the control as a stress relief. I would suggest that you approach it with some fun, ask him for boundaries, and get clear on how far he is interested in experimenting. Personally, I'll allow myself to be embarrassed, but draw the line at humiliation (degrading words or actions). Embarrassment is just situational, where you tease him a little, and command him to do your "will". i.e. if you like my stockings so much I'm going to make you wear them to see how it feels."


This thread is like 3 yrs old now... and honestly the way I penned it likely makes him sound like he MIGHT be into S & M or something a little off the beaten path...

Since then...we've read, talked, explored, experienced many new things....and No, he is not into any form of humiliation... We had a time where I cracked the S&M book & we talked about this... I posted HIS thoughts on that .... HERE -Post 47 

I was just Hyper sexed up when I wrote this ....and He was just in his usual "Sensual lover mode"... with the added interest of enjoying the woman coming on to him..... so I guess I blew it a bit out of proportion...in my trying to figure it all out, but looking too deeply I guess. 

I've calmed my jets since then....and we're good.... in sync .....I'd even say we're equal in initiation / his leading/ my leading these days ....it's a very wonderful place to be.


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## Otis C (Jun 14, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This thread is like 3 yrs old now... and honestly the way I penned it likely makes him sound like he MIGHT be into S & M or something a little off the beaten path...
> 
> Since then...we've read, talked, explored, experienced many new things....and No, he is not into any form of humiliation... We had a time where I cracked the S&M book & we talked about this... I posted HIS thoughts on that .... HERE -Post 47
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply...I'm new to this site, so I'm not sure I'm responding correctly, but it sounds like you guys have worked it out, and like you, my wife and I explore each others ideas and desires, but we are pretty modest about it by most standards, and definately not into S & M. We both enjoy taking charge and being on the receiving end too...


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## Otis C (Jun 14, 2013)

This thread seems kind of old, but I'm new to the site, and so I thought I would toss in my two cents worth...

My wife and I have a great marriage and sex life. Lately, I finally decided to reveal sexual fantasies I've had for as long as I can remember. Not that I dote on them, but they have recurred over time. 

This was a huge risk in my mind of how she might react and what she might think of me because I was craving having her dominate me and command me in a sexual way. Even to the point of embarrassment, but short of humiliation.

It takes a woman who is confident with her sexuality to do that. It freaked her out a little with my ideas at first, (we are not talking BDSM type things...just role play), and having her "make" me wear certain clothes and submit to her every wish.

Once I was trying to convince her to wear pantyhose more often. She told me, "If you like them so much I should make you wear them so you can see how they feel!". I told her that kind of talk made me weak in the knees and I wanted her to "make" me to do that.

So I tried them on under my regular jeans and she said I had to take her to dinner at a local restaurant while wearing them. I sat next to her in the booth, and she teased me about it during dinner. It was our little secret. When we got home we were both pretty ramped up, and had a wonderful time exploring each other. The mutual pleasure was outstanding. 

I gained a new level of trust and intimacy, not to mention a respect for what women go through to look nice ALL the time!

I also realized when I want to do more role play it helps her get "into" it, she should do a couple things first. 

If she can do at least one thing to make her feel sexy and powerful. It could be take a shower, wear something sexy, do her hair, make-up or whatever gives her a sense that she is "hot".

Then she could take a minute to give herself a pep talk about just how good she is and to bolster that sense of power.

I see her getting ready like this and I start getting excited too...

I've tried to understand why it turns me on to role play the submissive and do a little mild cross dressing but I don't. I do know I like it from time to time, and we definately role play where I take charge as well. My biggest turn on is to see her desire for me to come out...all I want to do then is please her.

I do think I understand a little about why it feels good for her to "Make" me wear her panties or hose. There is a tactile sensation with women's silk panties or nylons. I like it. I'm also trained by society that I'm weird if I want to wear women's clothes, so if she commands me to do it and I'm just obeying, then I don't have any shame or guilt for doing it.

And on that topic, Mens underwear is boring! Why is it in our culture that only women get to wear the sexy, silky, soft things? I don't want to be a women, I really enjoy my manhood, but I do like a little role play and to wear some of her things...

OK...enough rambling for one long post.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

Adding to this long post and a good one too, at age 55 me and my wife I think seem to be coming alive, I never was the dominant one in the bedroom earlier in life now I have started doing that and I have to admit so far my wife seems to like it. Sometimes I am afraid to do something new as I am afraid she will not like it but what the hell, she can always say no, anymore I just go for it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

edbopc said:


> Adding to this long post and a good one too, at age 55 me and my wife I think seem to be coming alive, *I never was the dominant one in the bedroom earlier in life now I have started doing that and I have to admit so far my wife seems to like it. *Sometimes I am afraid to do something new as I am afraid she will not like it but what the hell, she can always say no, anymore I just go for it.


Any chance at age 55, you recently started Testosterone therapy...the thought always crosses my mind having read a # of stories where the man wasn't geared this way so much ....but it suddenly UPPED that behavior in him..it becoming easier to pull off somehow. 

But that's great !


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Any chance at age 55, you recently started Testosterone therapy...the thought always crosses my mind having read a # of stories where the man wasn't geared this way so much ....but it suddenly UPPED that behavior in him..it becoming easier to pull off somehow.
> 
> But that's great !


That's funny, I have had my prostate removed due to cancer, I am just wide open since, cancer free and loving life I guess. my wife is seeming to open up with me sexually at 49


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

edbopc said:


> That's funny, I have had my prostate removed due to cancer, I am just wide open since, cancer free and loving life I guess.


 That's very scary Edbopc...congratulations on being cancer free ! and this going so smoothly.... I know from a little reading, the 2nd worry with this diagnosis...is about the sex life...sounds you have done amazingly well then ....and just taking it all in- loving life...kinda like the words in this song *>>* Live Like You Were Dying - Tim McGraw - YouTube


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

yep I know that song, glad to be here too


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

No woman can tame me in bed. 

Many have tried. They underestimated me and then found themselves succumbing to their master! 

BWA HA HA HA


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

I believe totally in my wifes actions and some things she has said she wants dominated, we will see.


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## pinotnoir (Jul 13, 2013)

Yep, that's me.


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## Denis57 (Aug 6, 2014)

My girlfriend of the past twelve years is very athletic and has always been the dominant one in bed. Even if I happen to be on top she is still in control.
Having her in charge in bed relieves all my stress.

Once, out of curiosity, I challenged her to a boxing match. I managed to land one jab and was unable to touch her for the rest of the match. She handed me my head, but the sex afterwards was glorious.


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