# Inevitable Divorce? Wife's OCD fallout.



## patrick2121 (Oct 25, 2015)

I’ve been married to my wife for 10 years now. We have 2 young girls, ages 5 and 2. On paper, my wife is a real catch, she’s a DDS, beautiful and a kind person. Unfortunately, under that cover, there’s some real issues at work. She struggles with OCD and anxiety and will not get professional help to address her issues. She’s struggled to hold DDS jobs and hasn’t worked FT since we were first married. She’s been through 15-20 jobs over the last 10 years and she always has a new excuse for why it doesn’t work out. At home, she’s created irrational methods of doing things – such as always wearing gloves, double and triple bagging things, throwing things away because she thinks they’re contaminated because they touched something that touched something else that may or may not have been contaminated. Things like this occur multiple times/day. When she gets home from work, she comes in the house and will not let anybody get near her, gets 3 large garbage bags, paper towels and bleach wipes and spends the next 20 minutes scrubbing the inside of her car out. Every. Single. Time. I have to believe she uses these same irrational approaches where she works and it negatively affects her productivity, which is why she gets let go from all her jobs. Being a DDS is very costly between school loans, malpractice insurance, CE, supplies, etc. Her DDS puts a huge financial burden on our family, and when she’s only working an average of 2 days a week, her income doesn’t even cover her own expenses. This financial burden, along with her constant OCD-fueled acts around the home, have created a relationship that has gone toxic. I worry that our girls will be negatively affected by the tension around the house, or perhaps they will see how my wife handles herself in an irrational way over and over again, and grow up believing that these “methods” are acceptable. I simply want them to learn to do things the rational way. On top of all this, my wife has been applying extreme pressure on me to have a 3rd child. We can’t afford it. We can hardly afford the 2 we have and her job situation prevents us from saving for their future like I would like to do. She resents me for not wanting a 3rd child and I resent her for her inability to hold a job and bring home a respectable paycheck. It’s just a bad situation all around. We’ve done plenty of marriage counseling, but it always comes back to the root of the cause – which I believe to be her OCD and anxiety issues – which she will not address. 

I’m torn here. Unfortunately, I’m beginning to think that I would be happier without her. We’ve had far more bad days than good days over the last 10 years. I worry about the mental health of our children and am starting to believe that I can offer a more “normal” household if we’re not together. I’m to the point where I want to do what’s best for the kids, and sadly I’m beginning to believe that divorce might be the best for all parties in the long run.

Any thoughts or advice is appreciated.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Wow, tough one. I'd be really worried about the girls, too. You don't want them to think that behavior is normal or that they have to be perfect all the time, etc. Has she ever been formally diagnosed? Did she get treatment at any point during her life?


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She needs counseling. You may get her to agree to it if you also agree on marriage counseling as well. 

If she posted here, I bet we'd get a different perspective. If she's a good wife other wise, you have to try all avenues to make it work. You have 2 kids to think about.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

jsmart said:


> She needs counseling. You may get her to agree to it if you also agree on marriage counseling as well.
> 
> If she posted here, I bet we'd get a different perspective. If she's a good wife other wise, you have to try all avenues to make it work. You have 2 kids to think about.


He already said they've had plenty of marriage counseling.


----------



## patrick2121 (Oct 25, 2015)

She had a counselor we saw early in our marriage that recognized the OCD and anxiety issues, and saw her briefly 1 on 1, but she never took an formal steps to address it, refuses medication, etc. Her mother has well documented issues with the same, sees a professional and has been on medication. Her mother is a pretty extreme case, IMO, but my wife's issues seem to be intensifying with age and I worry she will end up just as bad as her mother.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

patrick2121 said:


> She had a counselor we saw early in our marriage that recognized the OCD and anxiety issues, and saw her briefly 1 on 1, but she never took an formal steps to address it, refuses medication, etc. Her mother has well documented issues with the same, sees a professional and has been on medication. Her mother is a pretty extreme case, IMO, but my wife's issues seem to be intensifying with age and I worry she will end up just as bad as her mother.


The getting home from work/cleaning the car routine is very odd. I mean, why the car and not the doorknobs inside the house? Does SHE thinks this kind of behavior is bizarre?


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Looks fade, crazy is forever! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I know in today's society people are quick to toss a spouse out because they're boring or are not willing to perform like a porn star but I'm a believer in for richer or poorer, sickness and in health. I'm not in your shoes but would advice you to exhaust all measures to save the marriage / family. This is a fight worth fighting.


----------



## patrick2121 (Oct 25, 2015)

I look at her parent's situation and liken it to ours (they had 2 girls too). Her mother struggles. Her father is a negative, bitter old man. In getting to know him, I can't help but to think that being married to her for all these years made him that way. She's constantly barking at him telling him to do this and that - and none of it makes any sense. He barks back at her but does it anyway. He's an enabler. I feel that my wife and her sister, having grown up in that environment, affected them profoundly. I just don't want that for my kids.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If she won't address the ocd by going to a professional, then you have a pretty clear decision to make. You can't make her get help, but you can change what actions you're going to take regarding her refusal to get help. 

This level of ocd is ridiculous and debilitating for her. Under no circumstances should you even talk of having another child until she gets therapy and sticks with it for at least a year. 

Sorry but you're going to have to put your foot down. Resentment or not, you have 2 children already to look out for. Your wife can't begin to be responsible for bringing a third in when she won't even take care of herself.


----------



## patrick2121 (Oct 25, 2015)

jsmart said:


> I know in today's society people are quick to toss a spouse out because they're boring or are not willing to perform like a porn star but I'm a believer in for richer or poorer, sickness and in health. I'm not in your shoes but would advice you to exhaust all measures to save the marriage / family. This is a fight worth fighting.


Yes. I agree with you, but the thing is I've been fighting for it for a decade now. When is enough enough? She won't address her issues. They cause financial strain and resentment. It's created a home environment with constant tension that my kids can see and feel.


----------



## patrick2121 (Oct 25, 2015)

Satya said:


> If she won't address the ocd by going to a professional, then you have a pretty clear decision to make. You can't make her get help, but you can change what actions you're going to take regarding her refusal to get help.
> 
> This level of ocd is ridiculous and debilitating for her. Under no circumstances should you even talk of having another child until she gets therapy and sticks with it for at least a year.
> 
> Sorry but you're going to have to put your foot down. Resentment or not, you have 2 children already to look out for. Your wife can't begin to be responsible for bringing a third in when she won't even take care of herself.


Thank you. This is the same advice I've been given by my close friends and family that know our situation. It's just not an easy decision.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

patrick2121 said:


> Thank you. This is the same advice I've been given by my close friends and family that know our situation. It's just not an easy decision.


Not having an easy way out is Life defined in a sentence for me.

Confidence in the future is what demonstrates to your wife and children that the hard choices don't mean that they are wrong, destructive, or that they will hinder what can still be a great life for you all. 

Children like stability because it's what they're typically accustomed to... It's what they've known. Change is an inevitable part of life. They will learn it at some point and they will learn it best when it's close to home. 

Being the confident instrument of change demonstrates to them that change is neither scary nor does it always lead to unhappiness. It simply is, and you either embrace it fully and carry on or you crumble and hold steadfast to your regret.


----------



## watch3r (Apr 28, 2020)

I am also married to an OCD woman with one child. Almost identical to your story. But she has a teaching degree and can not work, is on full disability and for years just ground on me to have another child. I refused. I am in a situation where I have bought a home and also a town house. She is getting the home and I the town house and she is on notice if she can not keep the house orderly and clean I will turn her into CPS. I have lost my love for her and she is turning me into an angry bitter old man. I am operating from the foundation of obligation.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

watch3r said:


> I am also married to an OCD woman with one child. Almost identical to your story. But she has a teaching degree and can not work, is on full disability and for years just ground on me to have another child. I refused. I am in a situation where I have bought a home and also a town house. She is getting the home and I the town house and she is on notice if she can not keep the house orderly and clean I will turn her into CPS. I have lost my love for her and she is turning me into an angry bitter old man. I am operating from the foundation of obligation.


 This thread is from 2015. The original poster has not been on TAM for years. 

I think you should have your own thread here so that you can get support. I would like to move the post you made here to your own thread. Let me know here if you are ok that.

This thread is what we call a zombie thread since the original poster (OP) is not here. So after I hear from you I will be closing this thread.


----------

