# Discovered evidence today - what to do next



## tryingtonderstand (Aug 18, 2012)

I posted several days ago that I found a draft email in my husbands account that he wrote to his massage therapist, proposing a relationship. He asked her to reply to his work email and I didn't have the password for that account so I couldn't tell if he actually sent it or not. Thanks to all of you who wrote advice. I installed a keystroke tracker as suggested and tonight I was able to get the password and get into his work account. He did indeed give the letter to her, and she responded back in a completely classy and professional way by saying that a relationship with him would not be "appropriate or sustainable". In looking thru his work emails I found several emails to a nurse who works with him. He referred to me in one as "the ball and chain". In another, from 2008, I was out of town and he emailed her and asked if she and another nurse wanted to meet him and his single friend for drinks on a night when I was out of town. 
I've already seen a lawyer and have been waiting to see if he really did give the letter to the massage therapist or if he just perhaps wrote it up in a drunken stupor or something. Now that I know, I need to confront him and need advice. I'm pretty shaken up, as even though I knew this was a possibility I was holding out hope that he hadn't actually sent the letter. I don't know if the marriage is worth saving, or if it can be saved, and what his actions/response should be for me to even consider giving him another chance. We have two kids that I need to think of. As far as I can tell, nothing physical happened with any of these incidents but had the massage therapist answered differently it sounds like he would have eagerly entered into a relationship with her. He is a very defensive person with a narcissistic personality, and he has blamed "ALL" problems in our relationship on me. I suspect when I confront him he will turn things around to say that I drove him to this behavior, etc. Please help with how I should confront him and what would be appropriate recourse for him to take to stay married to me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is it possible he left those emails for you to find?

One option to consider is couple's counselling. 

The fact that he sees you as a "ball and chain" is a red flag not necessarily to any infidelity but a red flag to problems in your marriage that he might be causing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would not confront him yet and keep monitoring for a few more days. And while doing that see an attorny about your options.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

First thing I`d do is find out if his massage therapist is really a "Massage Therapist".


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

It sounds to me like he is someone who constantly fishes for a relationship on the side. And as he is blameless in all he does, has a narcissistic personality, you will be on a hiding to nowhere. If you stay with him you would have to accept that this behaviour will be ever present. Can you live with someone like this?

If you confront him, and he is willing to change, all would need to come from him if he's genuine. Offers of transparency, dedication, to go to counselling, to keep in contact when not with you, access to all his email, phone, computer etc. I can't see this being a scenario that someone like him would be happy with though. Sounds like he is probably a skilled manipulator too. Don't underestimate those skills. I was with one for 11 years, I am intelligent and a good judge of character, I don't take sh*t lying down, but the full extent of me being manipulated wasn't realised til about 2 years after our split. And he has given me abuse for the last 5 years. Unfortunately we have 2 children together so it is difficult to remove myself completely from his behaviour.


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