# How do I ask my spouse to use a condom



## Logicalmom (May 1, 2011)

I have been married less than a year to a man I have been living with for five years. He has cheated on my twice with his ex wife and each time didn't use protection. All before we got married.

I have drilled it into his head, that maybe I can forgive a mistake but I can't forgive putting my life at risk. I have children for pete's sake.

Evidently the man is an idiot. In this day and age who has unprotected sex with someone they haven't seen in years???? I've never heard of such stupidity!!

Anyway, my instincts are never wrong and I think he could do it again...I can deal with the issues in my marriage, divorce is not an option, but how do I deal with his irresponsible behavior(if it happens). Am I being unfair? Should I wait until it happens, but then it could be too late. Confrontations without proof just leads to arguments. So will just refusing sex. How do I ask him to wear a condom? I just don't know what to do here and leaving him is not an option.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Did you know about his past before you married? If so, when did you start having unprotected sex with him, and why? Why did you marry him if you have such little trust in him?

I think you need to deal with the reasons why you want him to wear a condom... I would think especially with a married couple, the effective usage factor for preventing STD's goes way down. Unless you get him to wrap it up every time he looks at you... Oral sex, herpes, not putting one on early enough... Check out the infection rates for couples where one partner KNOWS they have HIV and the other one is clean. That's a best case scenario for what you're worried about (in terms of how diligent the couple would be in safe sex), and the infection rate is still very significant.

Otherwise, what method of birth control are you using now? You may just have to suck it up. And explain your concerns. Of course at that point, he may figure he's already being punished for cheating, so he might as well do it...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Logicalmom (May 1, 2011)

Thank you. That actually helped me a lot. You're right. It's highly unlikely that he would willingly use condoms in our marriage and he'll be angry at the suggestion, also where does it end? I can't do it all my life with him. I think I need to do a through search for evidence, if I find none then this man I said I would love forever should get the benefit of the doubt and I should figure out how to trust him again. You're right, I married him knowing this was out there and I've said before that I was over it. I keep punishing him, unfairly I think. I'm glad I asked this before I said or did anything. This is something I should work through, its no longer his problem --its mine. I think I am just tripping out. Thanks again for the good advice.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Logicalmom said:


> I can deal with the issues in my marriage,* divorce is not an option*, but how do I deal with his irresponsible behavior(if it happens). Am I being unfair? Should I wait until it happens, but then it could be too late. Confrontations without proof just leads to arguments. *So will just refusing sex. How do I ask him to wear a condom?* I just don't know what to do here and *leaving him is not an option.*


Since divorce is not an option for you, cutting of the sex will only push him to find other women to satisfy himself sexually.

Have you considered using a female condom?


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Why not suggest that based on his history, you'd both like to get tested? If it comes out clean, it should give you piece of mind.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Workingitout said:


> Why not suggest that based on his history, you'd both like to get tested? If it comes out clean, it should give you piece of mind.


:iagree: but remember that how the message is delivered is as important - if not more so - than the message itself.

Good luck.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"HOW"? You say "I don't entirely trust you so if you want to have sex with me at all it must be with a condom. This is non negotiable."


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Logicalmom said:


> Evidently the man is an idiot... I've never heard of such stupidity!!


When I got to feeling like this, the marriage was already over.



Logicalmom said:


> I can deal with the issues in my marriage, divorce is not an option, but how do I deal with his irresponsible behavior(if it happens).


I guess I'm confused. You do not have respect or trust in your marriage. Begin working on those issues and you shouldn't need a condom discussion. The peace of mind you seek will not come from him wearing a condom. Certainly a condom will help protect you against some dreaded diseases, but it will not protect you from the mental agony from his behavior.

Good luck.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

definitely get tested and for the moment wear condoms. if he does not, a female condom, perhaps? and after the labwork comes out clear, then have the expected type of marital sex. also, i would suggest couple's counseling to build on the subject of 'trust'. it's understandable that if he's cheated before, he could do it again. i mean, twice already, and prior your marriage. but if you feel that he can do it again, like an innate instinct, then your inner gut may not be too far off. it's important for you to protect yourself and especially because you have young children.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You said "the man is an idiot" no he is not , he knows you won't divorce him , he has few consequences for his cheating ways and has no incentive to change. Put the divorce option on the table send him for fortnightly STD tests. Set very high boundaries if he fails ensure the woman he cheats with know he is an STD risk and show him the door. Stop inhibiting yourself as to what you can and must do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> You said "the man is an idiot" no he is not, he knows you won't divorce him, *he has few consequences for his cheating ways and has no incentive to change.*[/i][/size]


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

You remove the 'nuclear option' and what is left as far as consequences? withholding sex? This is not the 1950's when women were more inhibited to have sex with married men. There are millions of women who don't care if a man is married or not, in fact for many them it is an ego boost to 'steal' a man from another woman.

Of course he's an idiot for putting his life and yours at risk of STDs but so are you if you are steadfast against the possibility of divorcing him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So have you continued to ahve sex w/ him w/o condoms the entire 5 yrs post-cheating and only now awnt to use condoms? 

I'm confused.

Both of you should get tested for STDs. Go together.
Was he divorced from her when you started seeing him?


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

"I'm sorry honey, but unless you get tested (and this takes TWO tests for HIV), you will have to wear a condom if you want to have sex with me. After the results are in, and there is no evidence that you are cheating on me, we can omit the condom, but for now, you will have to understand that I can only have sex with you using a condom."


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

And oh, if you gave me anything? Yeah. I'll stab you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

what does divorce is NOT an option mean? Why?

Please explain what he is bringing to the table that is valuable enough in your eyes that you would willfully condone him cheating on you. Not love, honor, or respect obviously. 

Is it money? support for your children? nice house? stability? a green card?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I guess if it were me I would say something like if you bring that lying, cheating piece of meat within a city block of me, be prepared to have it chopped off.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Tell him that is he doesn't use a condom he is not getting sex from you.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> And oh, if you gave me anything? Yeah. I'll stab you.


Where is the "like" button? :smthumbup:


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