# Need a different perspective



## SeeMoore (Sep 11, 2021)

When my husband hurts me and refuses to deal with the problem or try to find a resolution, I go quiet. While the issue remains unresolved, he gets angry with me when I won't do things with him that he wants to do, like go out to dinner with friends or take a day trip or do some of the outdoor activities we like to do together. What I am looking for is a different perspective because when he wants me to do things with him, to set aside how I'm feeling so he can still do the things he enjoys or we enjoyed together, he makes me feel like he doesn't care that we're having a problem, he makes me feel like he just cares that I don't stop his fun. (Which he has said to me in the past) How do I go to dinner with friends and pretend that everything's fine? How do I go on a day trip with him just the two of us and pretend like I'm having a good time? I don't understand, am I seeing this all wrong?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

You don't. He wants you to forget his treatment of you and therefore he suffers no consequences of his behavior towards you. That is totally ridiculous. 

This is not your problem, it's HIS. I don't know anybody who would want to put aside a serious problem and anger with someone and pretend everything is all okay for a day so the other person can have an enjoyable day. F that. Resolve the issues and then celebrate by having a nice day together.


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

How is he hurting you and in what context? Need to know more of what it is he’s doing specifically to understand. What are these arguments about?


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## SeeMoore (Sep 11, 2021)

notmyjamie said:


> You don't. He wants you to forget his treatment of you and therefore he suffers no consequences of his behavior towards you. That is totally ridiculous.
> 
> This is not your problem, it's HIS. I don't know anybody who would want to put aside a serious problem and anger with someone and pretend everything is all okay for a day so the other person can have an enjoyable day. F that. Resolve the issues and then celebrate by having a nice day together.


Thanks. I needed that. He makes me feel like I'm the one that's being unreasonable. I want to resolve the issue so that, like you said, we can go on and celebrate dinner or a day out but I can't when I'm hurting. Thank you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SeeMoore said:


> When my husband hurts me and refuses to deal with the problem or try to find a resolution, I go quiet. While the issue remains unresolved, he gets angry with me when I won't do things with him that he wants to do, like go out to dinner with friends or take a day trip or do some of the outdoor activities we like to do together. What I am looking for is a different perspective because when he wants me to do things with him, to set aside how I'm feeling so he can still do the things he enjoys or we enjoyed together, he makes me feel like he doesn't care that we're having a problem, he makes me feel like he just cares that I don't stop his fun. (Which he has said to me in the past) How do I go to dinner with friends and pretend that everything's fine? How do I go on a day trip with him just the two of us and pretend like I'm having a good time? I don't understand, am I seeing this all wrong?


He just wants you to pretend nothing is wrong and get over it because he doesn't care whether you like it or not. With a person like that all you can do is decide how much you want to put up with and for how long. If you don't ever truly get resolution then resentments just going to keep building. Have you suggested marriage counseling as a last ditch effort?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In what ways does he hurt you?


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## SeeMoore (Sep 11, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He just wants you to pretend nothing is wrong and get over it because he doesn't care whether you like it or not. With a person like that all you can do is decide how much you want to put up with and for how long. If you don't ever truly get resolution then resentments just going to keep building. Have you suggested marriage counseling as a last ditch effort?


Yes we have actually gone to marriage counseling...doesnt help because he wont do the work. Thanks for your reply.


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## SeeMoore (Sep 11, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> In what ways does he hurt you?


It has been many things over the years. We are currently having an issue and last night he threw in my face that I wont do things with him when I'm upset. Says I stop his whole life. My friends say he is wrong to expect that without FIRST resolving the issue...but well... they love me LOL so I wanted an impartial opinion. Thanks!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SeeMoore said:


> Yes we have actually gone to marriage counseling...doesnt help because he wont do the work. Thanks for your reply.


Well then you know he's not going to change ever. Doesn't sound like very much fun.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SeeMoore said:


> It has been many things over the years. We are currently having an issue and last night he threw in my face that I wont do things with him when I'm upset. Says I stop his whole life. My friends say he is wrong to expect that without FIRST resolving the issue...but well... they love me LOL so I wanted an impartial opinion. Thanks!


Of course your friends are right. He knows that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How long does it take typically for the two of you to resolve an issue? My ex-husband was incapable of having a social life without me (except for cheating — that he could do on his own) so if we had an unresolved issue and I didn’t want to pretend all was well that moment, so we could go out with friends or whatever, he was very annoyed. But our issues tended to be resolved quickly (not necessarily resolved well, just quickly).


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Nice to have great friends. 

One thing you might try doing. 

If it is with mutual friends, go and have fun with those friends. It really doesn’t matter if your husband is there or not. If it is just the two of you and you don’t feel like spending time with him one on one, don’t. Call a girlfriend and see if she wants to hang out. 

Tell him if he doesn’t want to resolve anything that it is his choice. That you won’t spend time with him when it is obvious that he doesn’t care about you. 

Do you two have kids? If not, it is time to rethink your marriage.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

SeeMoore said:


> It has been many things over the years. We are currently having an issue and last night he threw in my face that I wont do things with him when I'm upset. Says I stop his whole life. My friends say he is wrong to expect that without FIRST resolving the issue...but well... they love me LOL so I wanted an impartial opinion. Thanks!


You are not getting an impartial opinion. You are getting opinions on a partial explanation. This usually reeks of something large being left out. People are asking what you are fighting about for a reason.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

How long are you going silent though and not joining him??? Why do you go silent when there’s an issue?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Also, he didn’t throw in your face that you won’t do thing with him when you’re upset. He’s telling you something that he’s not happy about that’s affecting him. And you’re not resolving the issue because you’re not talking about it. And not putting the work in that the counsellor suggested. What does she/he say about this dynamic?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is his treatment of you abusive, either physically or mentally?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Without knowing what the issues are, it's pretty impossible to judge the situation. Maybe he is putting ketchup on his seafood? Is is growing a moustache? My wife used to give me the silent treatment, sometimes for very silly things. We have different personalities. I tend to forget everything after 5 minutes, my wife bears a grudge for days (or I should say "used to").


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

SeeMoore said:


> When my husband hurts me and refuses to deal with the problem or try to find a resolution, I go quiet.


Are we talking a punch in the mouth hurts you? ....... or doesn't buy you flowers on your birthday hurts you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Are we talking a punch in the mouth hurts you? ....... or doesn't buy you flowers on your birthday hurts you?


Or long term mental abuse, belittling, constant verbal abuse, etc?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Shortly after I first started on these boards, there was a man who showed up in the sex in marriage forums. He had a quick story about his sexless marriage. Of course the LD Lynch Mob immediately pounced with the usual "its abusive" "it's wrong" "do the 180" "think of divorce" blah blah blah. A couple of hours later his wife saw his account and decided to read. Then she posted from his account. It turns out the OP was abusive, had a HUGE member and wasn't gentle at all, and not too long ago got caught in an affair.
Some people come on here with a short story and leave out large portions of the story just so they can get validation for how they feel. I have a feeling


SeeMoore said:


> We are currently having an issue


Is just as if not more important as 


SeeMoore said:


> last night he threw in my face


I would doubt op posts again. I hope I am wrong.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just a thought, but if I’d done something to “hurt” my wife, spending time together doing something that we both enjoy might be one of the things I’d propose doing to make it up to her.

That said, it would be helpful to know more about the specific ways in which he’s hurt you.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> Or long term mental abuse, belittling, constant verbal abuse, etc?


We don't know, the initial answer was vague. No wonder he ignores the issues.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Of course *your* friends are right. He knows that.


is that a joke?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SeeMoore said:


> *When my husband hurts me and refuses to deal with the problem or try to find a resolution, I go quiet.* While the issue remains unresolved, he gets angry with me when I won't do things with him that he wants to do, like go out to dinner with friends or take a day trip or do some of the outdoor activities we like to do together. What I am looking for is a different perspective because when he wants me to do things with him, to set aside how I'm feeling so he can still do the things he enjoys or we enjoyed together, he makes me feel like he doesn't care that we're having a problem, he makes me feel like he just cares that I don't stop his fun. (Which he has said to me in the past) How do I go to dinner with friends and pretend that everything's fine? How do I go on a day trip with him just the two of us and pretend like I'm having a good time? I don't understand, am I seeing this all wrong?


admittedly triggering here.... are you saying he gets the major silent treatment over nearly anything?

you have been really vague about what your arguments are about, and this causes some speculation. Could you clear that up?

Are you arguing about which restaurant to eat at, or something of significance like which buzz bait catches more bass?


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