# Hubby Threatens to Leave with EVERY Fight



## pickil65 (Oct 15, 2015)

Okay so recently we have been having some huge fights, mostly over money, it seems we fight MORE when we are broke. It drives me nuts. I handle the finances, well at least try too. But I can't when he is not bringing in a paycheck. He has a commission only job and I know it takes a bit sometimes to get the income coming in but it has been almost 2 months and still nothing. 

So let me start with the back story. We moved to the east coast almost 7 years ago now. When we moved here only I had a job and it took him 5 months to find a job, but I and my daughter were on Medicaid and Food Stamps cause I was pregnant with my middle child at the time, with 1 kid and 1 car we were doing okay with just my income.
After he found a job, he was there for about 4 months when he got injured in a work comp accident. This left him without the full use of his ankle and he can no longer perform well at retail jobs. He went almost a year without working, when he finally got a call center job sell insurance. Well that didn't last because once open enrollment came to a close he got laid off. 
After getting laid off he took a "commission only" job and NEVER made any money. A few months later the call center called him back up and had a different position opened for him and so he took it. 
He was there a few months and then he diabetes started acting up to the point that he could not see, he went to the doctors and eye doctors 10 times in a month. Finally, it got back to normal he went back to work for a week and then his diabetes started again acting up. 
So he decided to quit that job because he "didn't want to leave them hanging." 
He then went on for about another year or two thru different "commission only" jobs where he maybe made a total of $500 bucks. 
He worked again in a call center, quitting that one because his "boss was out to get him and a *****" then another commission only. 
Finally he had a job for about 8 months and back in June of this year he got Tendentious in his wrist and was taken out of work. 
Well after a few months of being out of work the doctor said he could go back part time but because of disability laws he had to get a bunch of paper work filled out, well instead of going back and forth like a normal person to do this he gave up and quit that job after being offered 2 different jobs by other companies. 

We the 1 job was great an 18 an hr full time work at home job, the 2nd was a commission only with the potential to make more, which was also work at home. So what do I do, I tell him to go with his gut and take the job that he thinks is best, you know hoping he would make the logical choice himself and go with the paid job. 

Nope he decides the commission only will allow him to be a better dad and take the kids to scouts and to their after school activities. What do I do, okay that's the one you choose. But now it has been almost 2 months and no monies coming in. Both of our car payments are over 30 days past due, and we had to float a check to get food. Then the disability payment that was supposed to come thru was canceled because the doctor released him to go back to work with no restrictions, so that check we floated is going to bounce tomorrow if we don't get money in the account. I don't get paid until Friday. 

So back to the issue at hand, I am sure if you have been keeping up with my posts we have had several arguments recently, and EVERYTIME we have an argument he goes into this sap story, oh you don't love me, I don't even know why we are still married, etc.... I am sick of it. I didn't stop love you because I got mad or I'm upset. 

Then a day or two goes by and we have amazing out of this world sex like 3 or 4 times a day, but as soon as I upset him again its a huge deal and I get this sap crap again. I am pretty sure he is bi-polar and I told him so on one of his good days. And I also told him that he needs to be on disability due to all his health issues and he was like okay but didn't do anything about it. 

So I was talking to OUR doctors office the other day regarding our annual appointments and said hey while I have you on the phone can I make an apt for my hubby to get diagnosed with bi-polar. I texted him the info luckily on a GOOD day but I just finished writing a 3 page note to the doctor that I am going to drop off on my way home today since I will be working when he goes to the appointment. 

I myself am bi-polar but I am diagnosed and on meds, I just wish that he would admit he has a problem, any advise on how to get him to stop going to the extreme for every little tiny argument we have?


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

pickil65 said:


> while I have you on the phone can I make an apt for my hubby to get diagnosed with bi-polar.


Typically the doctor makes that diagnosis, not the patients wife prior to even making a first appointment.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Stop telling him to go with his gut. He probably thinks his gut is his azz. This man makes poor decisions and lives off of you and pulls the 'poor me' card whenever he feels like it. He could use some counseling to get his life on track.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

My exwife used to threaten me with divorce at the end of every argument. Eventually she filed.

She knew when she filed I'd be supporting her for years to come.

Given your situation, I'll bet hubby knows you'll be supporting him as well.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

If I had a partner who was pulling this kind of crap, and threatening divorce with every fight, I would call his bluff.

I would beef up on all the divorce laws in my state and how to get a divorce pro se (since we clearly don't have the cash to pay lawyers), how to protect myself, what documents I would need, what the steps are, where to find the forms online, EVERYTHING, etc., and collect the values of any and all assets we own together. I would think about how we might fairly divide assets and custody and/or child support, and formulate a plan.

The next time he threatens divorce, I would say, "You're right. I'm tired of living under the constant threat of divorce, and I think we would be better off apart. Let's sit down on Rocket Lawyer and fill out the forms right now. I'm done waiting for you to drop the axe." And then I would proceed to pull up all the relevant documents, start filling them out, explaining what you're doing as you go along, showing him all the knowledge you've accumulated about how to divorce him.

It will FREAK HIM THE FVCK OUT that you've done so much research, and he realizes that now he's the one living under the axe, and that you could have dropped it on him at any given time. It takes away the power he thinks he has over you by threatening divorce at every turn, because you're not just threatening, your actually ready to DO IT.

Do the settlement agreement first, and get him to agree to no alimony (and show your good faith by also refusing alimony), and GET HIM TO SIGN IT. (Check to see if your state requires a notary for the signatures on these documents. Mine did not.) Protect yourself while he's confused.

He'll probably back off. And that's when you tell him that he had better clean up his act, or you're filing the paperwork, because you are done putting up with his sh!t. He needs to get a real job and start supporting his family, and he needs to stop the emotionally abusive behavior. And he needs to start seeing an IC or something.

He's acting like this because you let him get away with it. Don't let him get away with it. Show him there are consequences. And if he doesn't shape up, you file that paperwork, because you deserve better than what he's giving you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband's ex wife used to threaten divorce all the time. ALL the time. One day, he simply said "Ok". She said "What? You want me to leave?". He said "Yep". He's now very happily married to me, she's onto her second boyfriend after she ditched the first because he was a drunk.

OP's hubby wants to be careful what he wishes for, lol.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I'd call him on his bluff. He's dependant on you, what do you need him for?

This guy brings nothing to the table and is a professional victim. 

He sounds like he holds you back in life, you'd probably go farther without him.

Plenty of guys would be happy to give you amazing sex and aren't bipolar.

I'm struggling to see the appeal of staying with a man who is a lousy provider.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

He's learned that these threats of divorce shut you up effectively when he doesn't like what you are saying. It doesn't matter what the argument is about. You both need to find a better way to handle your disagreements.


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## pickil65 (Oct 15, 2015)

warshaw said:


> Typically the doctor makes that diagnosis, not the patients wife prior to even making a first appointment.


Duh! I'm not an idiot and I know the signs, but if I simply make an appointment for him he will go and say nope everything is A okay and its not and he will never get the help that is needed.


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## pickil65 (Oct 15, 2015)

Thanks guys for the responses, I don't know if going the route of okay if you want one here you go. I was reading another post on a different topic, but it gave me a new perspective of how he feels. And he has only had job problems since he was injured in the work comp accident so I think that took a blow to his ego. The first 4 years we were together he worked 2 jobs sometimes just to make ends meet, I think t he accident caused his mental issues to get worse. And blowing him off just because he has mental problems is not me. I married him for ALL of his faults. 

Anyways back to the post and conversation I had with my hubby last night. So I figured out that my hubby was doing what he was doing because he was not getting enough GOOD attention from me and I wasn't being supportive of him. I was pushing him and being an ASS. While he was not being nice to me either, I shouldn't be starting every conversation with an attitude. And when I didn't start with an attitude we actually got somewhere last night. Anyways, so I told him last night that I was all for him and that he can do this job during the day as long as he got an hourly job during the off hours to pay the bills. This is the best resolution because if he replaces this job completely with some crappy hourly job two things are going to happen. 1- he is not going to be happy, and 2- a 10 hr job, 40 minutes away from our house, plus babysitter costs for the kids, is going to put us in a worse financial situation then we are in now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ah, so it's all your fault, then? 

Or is that your codependency telling you to take the fall so he doesn't really leave you?


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## pickil65 (Oct 15, 2015)

No I didn't say it was all my fault but I am not totally innocent in the matter either, we both have to work to a better relationship not just one of us. But I am not going to cave into his depression and threats cause that will just make things worse.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

pickil65 said:


> No I didn't say it was all my fault but I am not totally innocent in the matter either, we both have to work to a better relationship not just one of us. But I am not going to cave into his depression and threats cause that will just make things worse.


Good job. I was going ask about these things but I'm glad you were introspective enough to own your own sh*t first. That's actually great and allows you to get a better dialogue going.

H has a lot of work to do in terms of getting his sh*t together too but you already know that.

Good luck - hope this solution gets you in a better track and hope he gets a good diagnosis. Glad you pursued that too


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## pickil65 (Oct 15, 2015)

Now yesterday, I wrote a letter to OUR doctor we see the same one, explaining why I think he is bi-polar because I know he will go to the doc and go I don't know why I am here and deny everything, and since I cant take off work to go with him. I was going to stop by the doctors office on my way home yesterday and I forgot because I was on the phone with him. Today I am debating if I should give her the note, it's 3 pages and explains everything he has ever done that I can remember that brings me to think he is bi-polar. Do you guys think I should give the doctor the note?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why not? The more knowledge the better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As far as fixing your marriage, I suggest reading the book His Needs Her Needs. It will show you what a good marriage looks like.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Agree with turners in both counts. You could ask H to record the meeting on his phone if you want and you and he can talk about it later. I've read (on the Internet?) we only really remember abou 10-20% of what our doctors tell us.. That's reason enough to record if the doctor is ok with that.


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