# More drivel from the mainstream media.......



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

You Could Snoop. But Should You? - Forbes

*You Could Snoop. But Should You?*

Apple’s newest iPhone features a fingerprint sensor that can recognize up to five prints. Will your partner’s be one of them? It’s a very modern quandary to be sure, but the cellphone has become an undeniable symbol of trust in relationships—or the lack of it.

Many people struggle with how much information they should share—or want to share—with their partner. Letting a boyfriend or girlfriend scroll through your phone or have access to your key passwords has become something of a relationship milestone. It implies trust and may symbolize intimacy and connection as well. Handing over control of your phone to allow your partner to look through your photos, text messages, and call history may show him or her that you have nothing to hide, that there are no secrets between you.


At the same time, though, if partners truly trust one another, is there any reason to want to look through each other’s personal correspondence?

Such smartphone and email privacy issues have given rise to wildly debated “do you or don’t you snoop?” questions on relationship websites. Many partners who haven’t given each free access to each other’s phones or email accounts apparently do snoop: A new study from the UK found that 34 percent of women in relationships, and 62 percent of men, admitted to snooping through a partner’s phone. Among those who snooped, 89 percent admitted that they did it to determine whether a partner was cheating—and in nearly half of those cases, their suspicions were correct.

The takeaway isn’t that joint smartphone access signifies a healthy, monogamous relationship. Nor is it that any partner without something to hide should be willing to hand over his or her phone. There is a place for privacy in loving, trusting relationships, and it’s important to remember that a person’s request for privacy doesn’t mean he’s up to no good. Similarly, putting your significant other on your shortlist of those with access to your info does not necessarily mean you have intimacy or connection. It can be an extension of trust in a relationship, but it doesn’t create trust or connection when it’s not really there.

In the end, the phone is just a symbol of something much larger.


The key is in not sacrificing openness for privacy. If your partner wants the password to your e-mail account, she should be able to have it, and vice versa. At the same time, you might have a conversation about why there’s no need to go poking around. One policy may be to decide to live your lives together offline—and vow never to exchange passwords, or fingerprints, or otherwise access one another’s emails, texts, or photos. In cases where either partner feels they need to have that access, agree to talk about the underlying issue instead. Feelings of jealousy are normal; so is feeling left out of the other person’s life. But reading through messages—authorized or not—won’t make you feel any more connected, just as having access won’t prevent infidelity.

What could? Trust and respect.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

...."should you snoop"? Hmm?

....I would have never thought about the concept of "snooping" prior to my wife's betrayal. There was that 100% blind trust that many possess towards their spouse ....which I have found out since then ...is a bad thing ...regardless of how faithful your spouse may be.

....my e-mail account is always open on my computer ( which I currently share with the wife ) ......only because I cannot remember my passwords. The same is true on my phone. If she wants to snoop on me ...she can have a fun time reading messages about sewer, water main, and roadway construction.

....of course 20 yrs ago ....we (wife + me) had no cell phones .....no computer, and hence ...no internet. So I don't know if snooping was even possible in the modern sense of the concept?


....in a perfect world ....none of this would even enter the thought's of those in relationships. But ...perfect doesn't exist .....


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

That woman is a bane to healthy relationships. She has made a career out of encouraging women to leave men and cut off the connection of children with their fathers. She cherry picks her data and sometimes even states that she has significant research when in fact her "research" is simply her personal opinion, without any backing data at all. She writes entirely from her feelings and frequently contradicts herself, without any regard for her inconsistency. 

People like her drive a wedge in marriage as much as places like AM.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

If you talk about the underlying issues, before you snoop.. you may send the affair deeper underground and have a more difficult time finding out that you're the only one being trustworthy and respectful.

I felt dirty going to find out where my wife was going. The entire time, I was thinking how it's my jealousy, my being controlling, what a jerk I am.. When I find my wife and she's alone, what will I tell her? I'll look like such a fool.... Then I saw her sitting in the window of the donut shop with her boyfriend.

So I checked the phone records, and stuff I would never have checked before.. because I trusted and respected her, and thought she did the same for me.

If you see any red flags... snoop.. especially in this day of Facebook and the Internet, where people can search for old flames and chat over cell phones.

We talked about our issues.. the only problem with that was, she was cheating and full of lies.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Of the many things that annoy me about that article:



> But reading through messages—authorized or not—won’t make you feel any more connected, just as having access won’t prevent infidelity.
> 
> What could? Trust and respect.


Why do people think that trusting someone is the elixir to a good relationship? Finding someone who is trustworthy is what should be emphasized.

If I had trusted my fiance that she "was just a friend" I think over time he would have lost respect for me.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

> Among those who snooped, 89 percent admitted that they did it to determine whether a partner was cheating—and in nearly half of those cases, their suspicions were correct.


Those are some ****ty odds.

Also decent justification for access to each others communications.

Trust and respect aren't a given, they are earned.

This is how you earn them


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My perspective is, "Trust, but verify." So, if there are reasonable grounds for suspicion, check to see if they are valid.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_having access won’t prevent infidelity.

What could? Trust and respect. _

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Why is this such a foreign concept.

One caveat- I'm speaking of a healthy relationship...

I trust my wife 100% BECAUSE she's an open book to me. I don't snoop BECAUSE her phone, email, facebook, even her journal etc is always open to me if I desired to look.

IF my wife decided she "needed her privacy" and wasn't going to be an open book, THAT'S when I would feel the need to snoop. 

These arguments miss that key fundamental aspect of this issue. If you're an open book, you're partner isn't going to feel the need to search for the hidden items. If you're mysterious with hidden parts of who you are, your partner is going to always be curious. It's human nature.

To me, the bigger question isn't whether or not you should snoop, but my question goes to the other person....why do you feel the need to hide things? The question should be "Should you hide things from your spouse?" and then recognize that if you do, your spouse will feel the urge to snoop because it's HUMAN NATURE!!


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

......after going thru what I have ( in my opinion ) ....marital / relationship privacy ....should only extend to closing the bathroom door when you go to "drop some friends off at the pool".


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Why is this such a foreign concept.
> 
> One caveat- I'm speaking of a healthy relationship...
> 
> ...


The issue is when the open book only extends to what you know. I thought i had a good and healthy relationship and my WW was an open book, or so I thought, with nothing being password protected or hidden to include email accounts, school accounts, computer accounts, and phone, except that she had started several email accounts, Skype accounts, and several social media accounts that I had no idea existed and she wasn't telling me about them. She would even go as far as to download the apps on her way to work and then delete them before coming into the house at the end of the day, so even if I was checking it would show and reveal nothing.

Sometimes being an open book means nothing more than they are open to what they want to reveal to you.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> The issue is when the open book only extends to what you know. I thought i had a good and healthy relationship and my WW was an open book, or so I thought, with nothing being password protected or hidden to include email accounts, school accounts, computer accounts, and phone, except that she had started several email accounts, Skype accounts, and several social media accounts that I had no idea existed and she wasn't telling me about them. She would even go as far as to download the apps on her way to work and then delete them before coming into the house at the end of the day, so even if I was checking it would show and reveal nothing.
> 
> Sometimes being an open book means nothing more than they are open to what they want to reveal to you.


Again, I said in a healthy relationship. You obviously weren't in a healthy relationship, you just didn't know.

You truly only know what the other person wants to let you know or what they make mistakes with in terms of their deceit. I totally agree with you on it. 

I'm not saying "don't snoop". I actually believe in snooping if there's ANY indicators at all of any possible impropriety. I'm simply saying that the question being asked is not accurate.

You're asking about reactionary behavior, when the focus needs to be on the initial catalyst. Snooping...USUALLY...comes from one partner getting a gut feeling (or more) that something is wrong. These gut feelings (or actual real issues) are usually brought on by noticing behavioral changes of the "snoopee" first. So the REAL question needs to be "what are you doing that would make your spouse want to snoop on you?"


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> The issue is when the open book only extends to what you know. I thought i had a good and healthy relationship and my WW was an open book, or so I thought, with nothing being password protected or hidden to include email accounts, school accounts, computer accounts, and phone, except that she had started several email accounts, Skype accounts, and several social media accounts that I had no idea existed and she wasn't telling me about them. She would even go as far as to download the apps on her way to work and then delete them before coming into the house at the end of the day, so even if I was checking it would show and reveal nothing.
> 
> Sometimes being an open book means nothing more than they are open to what they want to reveal to you.


How did you find out that she was leading a double life?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Being in IT and the responsible party for updating all the network in my house, I had logged into her computer to update and research an item we were wanting to buy (while the computer was updating). I found some chats that were not acceptable. I then found other stuff (being in IT and managing the network I have ways). I then found some other nefarious activities. 

Started paying attention to the iTunes account for app activity and noticed suspicious downloads/ re-downloads. When I asked her about certain apps, she blew it off as a way to get extra points in Farmville (which was true for some things, but I didn't believe this with these social media apps). She had it on her phone and then I found reference to it in her Facebook messages (which she gladly gave me rights to as she thought everything was gone, but I found it hidden as well). Needless to say she acted like I was making things up, but I knew the apps and when I asked her about the account she was using to sign into it, she got nervous. Stated there was no account, but everyone else had one and it requires one to do so. She gladly handed over her phone as everything was gone, or so she thought. I got the email address from the account settings and had her sign into it for me. The smoking gun was all there and she was caught red handed (no way to blow this off as just a thing and me being overly cautious and controlling).

From that point it was just a matter of connecting the dots as she had left a breadcrumb trail a mile long and one thing pointing to the next. To this day, I don't believe I have it all as she was so easy to just open another account and I believe that she may have started doing it again. Now just working on getting myself covered correctly and getting out with the least damage to my kids.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: More drivel from the mainstream media.......*



Squeakr said:


> Being in IT and the responsible party for updating all the network in my house, I had logged into her computer to update and research an item we were wanting to buy (while the computer was updating). I found some chats that were not acceptable. I then found other stuff (being in IT and managing the network I have ways). I then found some other nefarious activities.
> 
> Started paying attention to the iTunes account for app activity and noticed suspicious downloads/ re-downloads. When I asked her about certain apps, she blew it off as a way to get extra points in Farmville (which was true for some things, but I didn't believe this with these social media apps). She had it on her phone and then I found reference to it in her Facebook messages (which she gladly gave me rights to as she thought everything was gone, but I found it hidden as well). Needless to say she acted like I was making things up, but I knew the apps and when I asked her about the account she was using to sign into it, she got nervous. Stated there was no account, but everyone else had one and it requires one to do so. She gladly handed over her phone as everything was gone, or so she thought. I got the email address from the account settings and had her sign into it for me. The smoking gun was all there and she was caught red handed (no way to blow this off as just a thing and me being overly cautious and controlling).
> 
> From that point it was just a matter of connecting the dots as she had left a breadcrumb trail a mile long and one thing pointing to the next. To this day, I don't believe I have it all as she was so easy to just open another account and I believe that she may have started doing it again. Now just working on getting myself covered correctly and getting out with the least damage to my kids.


 ....don't know how I'd have dealt with having the "trail of breadcrumbs" to reveal bits and pieces over a period of time? It would be even more tortuous than the immediate slap in the head.....


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Why is this such a foreign concept.
> 
> One caveat- I'm speaking of a healthy relationship...
> 
> ...


I couldn't have said this any better. You articulated my thoughts exactly and summed it up with what I have conceptualized but never was able to put into words. It is human nature. Now all you need is some scientific proof of it. I am so glad you said this. Thanks.


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