# can this be fixed?



## withaheavy<3 (Feb 13, 2013)

My wife told me she had slept with another man last summer. I was upset of course but i accepted the truth about until i found out that they became friends on facebook. We had been having problems leading up to this point and she had been having some issues. She left and got a place her own of her own in september. We have been together for 17 years and have three children together. She resumed her relationship with the man she had told me about in in the summer. I got temporary custody of our children and she received after school visitation with no overnights. In december i made an effort to reconcile and she told me she was pregnant and in love with this OM. I had a vasectomy after our last child and i am sure that it is not mine!!! I am not so sure that she wanted to get pregnant. In january she stated that she still loved me and wants to work this out and we have been to counseling twice.(she also was convicted of a dui in jan) She has had no contact with the OM for 2 weeks but i am sure he is wanting to be involved with this child. I love my wife and don't want our kids to have a broken home. How do we tell them that their mother is pregnant from another man? I am mainly contemplating this for our children. If OM gets courts involved will this child carry his name? A baby from this affair is enough but this OM being involved has me concerned for the long term. Should I try to make our marriage work or is it damaged beyond repair?


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

DO NOT TRY TO MAKE THIS WORK!!!

It cant... or at least shouldnt.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

*Re: can my marriage be fixed?*

I'm sorry you are here. I don't think I could ever reconcile with my wife if she left me and became pregnant with OM's baby. You have the kids. Let her live in the new life she created for herself. That's my take. I get that you don't want your children to live in a "broken" home, but you did not break up your family. 

Here's why I think that your wife's remorse is not real, or why I think you are her "plan B". She now wants to reconcile with you because 1) you have primary custody of the kids (no child support) and 2) real life isn't going so hot for her right now with her DUI...and my hunch is this OM really doesn't want to be saddled with a child. Why does she want to reconcile now after she became pregnant? Simple. She's about to become a single mom with a DUI on her license, and her OM is probably distancing himself from her as we speak.

Think very long and hard about this before you commit to an R with this woman. I think she is playing you, but only you will know for sure. Good luck with trying to figure it out. I gave my opinion for what it's worth.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

No you can't make it work.

You can post the OM on cheaterville.com

You need to get a lawyer ASAP to make sure you do not ever have to support this other guys child.


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## withaheavy<3 (Feb 13, 2013)

I am pretty sure the OM wants to be involved but she has NC with him for a few weeks.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

this is one of the worst i've ever heard.

i agree. as if the affair isn't bad enough, she went and got pregnant by this POS. you will never be free of this if you choose to reconcile. the child will ALWAYS be a constant reminder of her infidelity, as well as of the OM. are you sure you can handle that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry you are in this position. But your wife is grasping for you to ensure OM's child is well cared for. Apparently she's been hitting the booze while pregnant. That and her age raise the chances of defects for that poor defenseless baby.

Are you willing to introduce a child that may have special needs, while fending off the OM?

Additionally, your wife confessed in summer, but went back to him in autumn. In winter she professed love for the OM. But now says she loves you. What is she going to say in spring?

How much heartache, financial strain, and marital turmoil are you willing to endure. Chances are your wife has become an alcoholic or is heading that way. IMO her future is bleak. 

Your family will never be the same again. Could your family be strong if she comes back? What do you think the odds are? As a casual observer, I think the odds are not in your favor.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

I am a former wayward wife, and I am trying hard to reconcile with my husband. 

That being said, I cannot imagine trying to reconcile with this woman. After coming clean with the affair, she left you and your (her!) children, got her own place, continued her relationship, got pregnant, got a DUI, and NOW wants to R? She has supposedly had NC for 2 weeks. That's nothing. And she can't have NC when she's having his baby -he will be in contact with her at some point. 

You have very, very serious questions for yourself if you are truly considering attempting an R with this woman. Can you raise a child that is not yours, but is that of the man she left you for? Can you handle OM being a part of your lives for the rest of your marriage? Can you be ok with the thought that you are Plan B after she attempted life without you and it went to hell (knocked up, DUI, etc.)? 

I understand wanting to make it work for the kids you have, but this is really, really broken. And based on what you wrote, I don't see any real remorse on behalf of your wife. I see someone who effed up her life really bad and now is hoping to fall back on you to try to straighten it up again. 

I am so sorry. I know you are hurting. I've seen the pain I've put my husband through. I am also very pro-R if both partners are willing and the WS is willing to do whatever it takes to heal the marriage and change his/her ways. There is just so much that she would need to fix with this, and I honestly don't see how it's possible. 

Stick around on TAM. You will get help here. Listen to what people have to say. Being a betrayed spouse, the advice will be hard to hear, but these are people that have been in similar shoes. They will be supportive but blunt, and you need to hear it. 

Once again, I'm so sorry.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Not only do you need to divorce immediately, you need to make sure you are not stuck paying child support for the OM's bastard child. See an attorney yesterday.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

withaheavy<3 said:


> I am pretty sure the OM wants to be involved but she has NC with him for a few weeks.


Why do you think that, or is there a chance that you would know this to be true (aside from your wife telling you this)?

If he does want to be involved, it would probably be because he would not want to be labeled a deadbeat dad and carry the stigma plus financial strain of missing child support payments. JMHO, this guy is probably praying that you decide to take this woman back and also put your signature on the birth certificate. 

I hope you think this through objectively before you decide on what you want to do.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry for the situation you're in,but if you can reconcile what's happened considering the long haul of the year's ahead,then you're a far,far better man than me.The fact that the OM would be a permanent fixture in your lives,at least to some extent,would be too hard to put up with in my opinion.I wish you well.


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## withaheavy<3 (Feb 13, 2013)

If we do stay together then how do we tell our children? If i adopt it as my own that is one thing but if OM gets involved what then?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

withaheavy<3 said:


> If we do stay together then how do we tell our children? If i adopt it as my own that is one thing but if OM gets involved what then?


Your wife sees you as the backup plan. Don't be the backup plan. 

BTW, it's amazing how many times women convince the H to get a vasectomy and then get pregnant by the OM. Kind of like the ultimate FU.


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## withaheavy<3 (Feb 13, 2013)

The V was my choice


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

You need to have your head checked pronto if you are even considering R with this nut of a woman.

IT IS SICK. the whole situation is sick. I agree with another poster this is one of ther worst I've seen too.

Cut her loose fast, believe me you do not want to continue this marriage. You will NEVER live a normal or happy life again. Let the POS OM raise the child, not you. 

Yeah what will you tell your kids? Oh mommy got herslef pregant with some other guy, here's your new half-sister/brother. 

Once a cheater/liar always a liar. They can never be trusted again.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

withaheavy<3 said:


> If we do stay together then how do we tell our children? If i adopt it as my own that is one thing but if OM gets involved what then?


Like this: 

You: Kids, your dad is not the father of your baby brother/sister.

Kids: Then who is the father, and why isn't it you?

You: Wife, go ahead...tell them...

Wife: I slept with another man, got pregnant and I gave birth to his baby. Your dad decided to forgive me and work it out.

Kids: Dad, why would you ever agree to take care of some other guy's kid - especially since he had sex with mom?

Sorry man, there's no good way to break the news to them if you decide to reconcile with your wife. I can't help but think that your own kids would lose some respect for you if you did.


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## withaheavy<3 (Feb 13, 2013)

Are there any posts with encouragement on here? I do still love her and i am the one that told her to leave after I saw they became friends on FB. she still has her place but has been staying at home for the last few weeks and is trying to make this work. we are going to church together again and are in counseling.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

withaheavy<3 said:


> If we do stay together then how do we tell our children? If i adopt it as my own that is one thing but if OM gets involved what then?


r

Depends on your state. You do not have to adopt. In some states, if you are married you are assumed the father. 

That said, you really have to think this over. Ask your family and friends, Your family also needs to accept your wife and her child,

Go to IC and make sure what you are doing,


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

This is what I was talking about, heavy<3. You are going to get harsh responses, because yours is an exceptionally rough case. The odds aren't good -at all. And that means, the odds aren't good that she is going to change and remain faithful. R is beyond difficult, even when NC is maintained, and I just don't see how it can be in your situation. 

Yes, your wife is staying at home and going to church, but I have to agree that it seems like it might be because she is out of options and hoping you will be a safe bet to wager on her new child. I think it is very important to remind yourself though that THIS IS NOT YOUR CHILD. And just because you told her to leave does not mean it is your fault that she took back up (or never left touch) with OM and got pregnant by him. PLEASE do not think this is in any way your fault. 

People here promote the 180 for good reason - by you distancing yourself, it has 2 outcomes: your spouse freaks out and realizes what s/he he is about to lose or you gain the strength to learn you can do with her or him. By having her leave, you did basically the 180, and she didn't come running back. She went to the OM and got pregnant. That is a huge, HUGE sign as to where her heart is at. 

I'll be blunt about my story. My husband put a mic on my phone because he didn't trust me, and he recorded me having sex with a friend of ours. He came to my office immediately and confronted me. That afternoon, he made me leave our house and I went to my parents'. I never had any contact with xOM since that day. He made me live with my parents for 2 months before he allowed me back home. It's been nearly 8 months, and I still don't know if he will eventually leave me. I am disgusted and devastated by what I did, and I honestly don't recognize the person I was last year that was capable of hurting my husband this bad and jeopardizing the lives of our 3 and 5 year olds. As soon as he kicked me out, I realized what a huge mistake I made, and I got into counseling, cut off OM, and have attempted to do all I can to show my husband that I want only him and am beyond sorry for betraying him like I have. 

I am no saint. I hate myself most of the time. I have done terrible, awful things that I am ashamed of. I have broken my marriage vows, commandments (I'm a Christian), and hurt family, friends, and loved ones. I really am no better than your wife, but I do feel like I realized quickly what I had to lose, and when my husband gave me a glimmer of hope that our marriage might not be lost, I immediately jumped on it and worked like hell to try to fix and save it. 

Sadly, I don't see where your wife did any of this. 

Once again, I'm sorry you are here. 

One thing I will say though: you can get through this without her. You have been a wonderful dad to your kids despite what your wife has put all of you through over the past year. I completely understand the desire of wanting a 2 parent home for your kids. I do too. My husband does too, which is the only reason he hasn't divorced me. But you have to ask yourself what is really in the best interest of your children. Your wife didn't just leave you; she left her kids. I can't even fathom that. There were certainly times I didn't put my kids first when I was in my affair, but when my husband made me leave, I hated not having my kids with me. I had them whenever I could, and the one time that he tried to keep them from me was the only time that I looked into securing an attorney. She has not only screwed you over, but her children too. Don't ignore that. 

I know this is beyond hard. I know you want the life you had. I know it has to seem like all is possible now that she is back, but she is PREGNANT. With SOME OTHER MAN'S baby. Life will never be the same -for you or your children. Love your children. Care for them. Know that you -and them - will get through this, and will be healthier without her. 

And let me remind you -I'm a WAYWARD saying this! I know you want someone to say it's possible to come back from this, but I just don't see it. Take care of yourself and your kids. They need one healthy parent.


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## withaheavy<3 (Feb 13, 2013)

changingme
thanks for your thoughtful post. I just wanted to clear the air on one fact. I felt she was unstable at the time and i asked her to leave after i found she befriended OM on FB. She resented me for "taking her away from her children" and feels i was using the kids against her. I got temporary custody and she basically could watch them after school but could not stay overnight


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

OP, from what I've heard, it's probably better she not have visitation without supervision right now.

DUI charge, pregnant with OM's kid. She's in no shape to be a parent.

From the sounds of it, you're willing to take her back no matter what. If you want her back, take her back but I have a feeling you're not strong enough to set boundaries for her and I feel you never will have the backbone to do it at all.

Suck it up and hope she changes for the better. It has happened but those miracles are few and far between.

BTW, when you take her back (it's not even a question of if at this point IMO, you're taking her back and want people to say it's ok) get her HELP.

Good luck to you but if I was you, I wouldn't hold my breath too long hoping for the best.


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## withaheavy<3 (Feb 13, 2013)

i have at least committed to trying to make this work for now. But i do not see how we are going to deal with all of this as she becomes even more noticeable and the kids are going to find out sooner than later unless we tell them it is our child... What are my options with OM to keep him away?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

withaheavy<3 said:


> If we do stay together then how do we tell our children? If i adopt it as my own that is one thing but if OM gets involved what then?


Most likely if this child is born while you are still married to your wife, the child is legally your child. You will not need to adopt the child. Just put your name on the child's birth certificate if you are sure that you want to raise this child. Double check with an attorney, but this is the case in most states.

The OM would have to file a paternity challenge. The courts might not even allow it as long as the child has a legal father (you).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are your children? If they are very young just tell them that they are getting a new brother/sister. 

If I were you I'd talk to a counselor about the right way to tell them if they are young.

If they are teens. Tell them that mom is coming back and she's pregant. You intend to raise the baby as your child. Just be turthful.


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## withaheavy<3 (Feb 13, 2013)

my problem with that elegirl is how are they going to handle it if they know their brother/sister has another dad. It opens up a whole new can of worms. Our oldest is 10 youngest 6


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

You might not still be in love with your wife six months or a year down the road. Then what? It will be an even uglier mess to sort out and you could wind up being financially responsible for the OM's child. 

I think Machiavelli has the right advice: See a lawyer. Yesterday.

You can always reunite later with your wife but right now you are in the best position for custody etc. Don't let her back in. This is a most egregious betrayal and you'll be dealing with it for the rest of your life, but it should be on your terms.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

withaheavy<3 said:


> my problem with that elegirl is how are they going to handle it if they know their brother/sister has another dad. It opens up a whole new can of worms. Our oldest is 10 youngest 6


Your children are young. They will handle it in the manner you teach them to handle it.


Start out with just telling them that their mother is having a baby. 


Then get some counseling on what to say to them. The truth, that you are not the bio-father, will need to be told. You cannot keep that kind of secret from this child. And thus, you cannot keep it from the child's siblings


If you raise this child, you are his/her father. The OM is the bio-dad. 

I have an adopted son. We adopted him when he was 10 days old. We have always told him he was adopted. there was never a big secret to hide from him.


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## withaheavy<3 (Feb 13, 2013)

elegirl. Hard to adopt if OM wants in the picture though. How do you get OM out of picture? If he proves paternity then child gets his last name?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

withaheavy<3 said:


> Are there any posts with encouragement on here? I do still love her and i am the one that told her to leave after I saw they became friends on FB. she still has her place but has been staying at home for the last few weeks and is trying to make this work. we are going to church together again and are in counseling.


I'll give you encouragement. 

I know that her cheating will be hard but some people can get over that. A marriage can be repaired, even from a wife having a child from the OM. There have been women here whose husbands got their OW pregnant. The wife decides to stay with her husband and accept the child. Your situation is not all that different.

Too often here on TAM people are just encouraged to divorce, dump her, etc. 

If you can love this child as your own and you can forgive your wife, you two can go on to have a good life and raise all of your children.

There's talk on here about things like your children will not respect you. Oh come on poeple... teach your children to respect the fact that you have such a big heart that you can love this child as your own. 

I yoiu do raise this child and love him/her as your own, forgive your wife and make a good life with her from here on out.. I would have the utmost respect for you as a very strong man.... one who macho ego did not rule him, but instead who comes from strength and love.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

You need to contact a lawyer. You have a unique case.

I disagree with Elegirl, whom I have much respect for. She is seeing this from a woman's POV. I honestly don't know how long you are going to be so forgiving, OP. I think your primal male side will start to show up again and this will nag at you for a long time. I don't know your relationship with your wife - how deep is her remorse? From the outside, it seems more like she needs you than wants you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

withaheavy<3 said:


> elegirl. Hard to adopt if OM wants in the picture though. How do you get OM out of picture? If he proves paternity then child gets his last name?


See a lawyer. I don't think you need to adopt this child. Since you and your wife are married you will be the legal father of this child.

The OM has to go to court and fight you. Ask a lawyer what his chances are to win such a fight. He might not be able to. It could cost him a pretty penny as well. Do you think he'd be willing to foot the bill for this? He might be more than happy to just walk away.

If he did fight and win, he might have to pay your wife child support. might not be worth it to him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

staystrong said:


> You need to contact a lawyer. You have a unique case.
> 
> I disagree with Elegirl, whom I have much respect for. She is seeing this from a woman's POV. I honestly don't know how long you are going to be so forgiving, OP. I think your primal male side will start to show up again.


There is not right way to look at this. OP needs to look at it from all sides.

I do know that there are men who have knowingly raised their wife's 'love child'.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

withaheavy,

You might find this interesting...

Child born from affair - WebAnswers.com

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063b_qa.html


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## withaheavy<3 (Feb 13, 2013)

had the D papers written up in december after i found out about pregnancy. Thought we were at point of no return then. I am still not convinced that we are not. It really is going to depend on how she handles OM and how much trouble OM is going to be. I do not want him in our life in any way. I feel that his involvement will sink any reconciling we have started on regardless of the fact that he is bio-dad. How do i get him out of our lives?  I want the best for my children and i am trying to figure out which path that means i need to take...


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> There is not right way to look at this. OP needs to look at it from all sides.
> 
> I do know that there are men who have knowingly raised their wife's 'love child'.


I agree he needs to look at it from all sides. I'm just worried that he may find himself in a situation he really doesn't want to be in. Raising another man's child can be viewed as an act of real strength and love. I am not diminishing it, but I think it depends on what his wife's motivations are. Is she really going to return as HIS wife?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

staystrong said:


> I agree he needs to look at it from all sides. I'm just worried that he may find himself in a situation he really doesn't want to be in. Raising another man's child can be viewed as an act of real strength and love. I am not diminishing it, but I think it depends on what his wife's motivations are. Is she really going to return as HIS wife?


I agree with you that there are risks here.

No matter what happens he will be this child's legal father. It's doubtful he could get a divorce before the baby is born. A court might not even allow the divorce to go through until she has the baby. So it's most likely that he's going to be raising this child no matter if he stays with his wife or not.

If he does divorce her and does not want to raise the child, the only hope he has is to get the OM to agree to take over as the legal father and then get the court to allow it.

So, the issue remaining is if his wife will work on a true recovery. He will have to see how that goes. Hopefully she will.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

withaheavy<3 said:


> had the D papers written up in december after i found out about pregnancy. Thought we were at point of no return then. I am still not convinced that we are not. It really is going to depend on how she handles OM and how much trouble OM is going to be. I do not want him in our life in any way. I feel that his involvement will sink any reconciling we have started on regardless of the fact that he is bio-dad. How do i get him out of our lives? I want the best for my children and i am trying to figure out which path that means i need to take...


Did you read the two links I posted above? He most likely has no rights to this child. You get him out of your life and the child's life by talking to an attorney who handles paternity issues. I think you are in a strong position as the father of this child. Personally, I think that you will be this child's legal father if you want to be or not.

So just have your wife send a no contact letter to the OM if he bugs her. And you are done with him.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> can this be fixed?


Do you want people's opinion or do you just want people to agree with your choice to make you feel better?

What can she do to make you want to divorce her? Having another man's baby is certainly one of my boundaries. What are your boundaries?


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## withaheavy<3 (Feb 13, 2013)

opinion


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Ok. 

Whoever told you to call a lawyer has a point.

But look at it like this.
It is the OM's child.

Yes you can fight him in court and get him to go bankrupt for the right to HIS child. 

You can adopt the boy knowing you beat his dad up in court and did everything you could to prevent the biological from seeing HIS blood.

And when the child is old enough you can tell him the story.
And when he sees his dad at an older age (he will) his dad can tell him his story.

I cannot believe the advice on keeping the other man out of HIS child's life.

Regardless of what you and your wife are going thru, if the dude wants to be with his son.
If a father wants a relationship with his child.

Are we better off for preventing that?

No.
Tell your kids the truth. 
Treat him as your own regardless of his relation(ship) to his father and be the best stepdad you can be.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I think it's more the OP who is pushing to keep OM out. I think that's wrong as well, but to what extent is OM going to be a part of the child's life if OP's W and OM are not going to be together? It's a sticky wicket.

I'm not a judge, but I would rule that OM should pay for support.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are many issues here and withaheavy<3 needs to know how paternity issues are handled in his state. He may have no choice legally as he might be the legal father and the OM might not have any legal rights nor be able to get any legal rights. It’s important for withaheavy<3 to find out what the laws are in this case.

If the OM does end up in this child’s life, withaheavy<3 would be wise to think very hard about reconciliation with his wife as no contact with the OM would be impossible. So permanently ending the affair would be much harder, it not impossible. 

And then to add insult to injury, if withaheavy<3 divorces his wife, he may very well be court ordered to pay child support for this child. Potentially withaheavy<3’s wife and OM could get back together and withaheavy<3 would still have to pay child support. 

withaheavy<3 is looking at ways to save his family and keep it together for his children. I think that it’s a bit much to ask him to have concern for a man whose goal is to break up his family.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

The chances of that baby having special needs is increased because of your wife's poor choices - the DUI is proof of that.

What are you going to do when the child is 2 y/o and needs some biological help from the OM (bone marrow, kidney, etc)? 

What happens if medical special needs or a devastating disease drains your finances and robs your children's college fund?

Withaheavy<3, I am giving you scenarios that are not far-fetched. You need to consider that at some point you may need to be on your knees begging the OM to help that child. Or that your own children may need to sacrifice part or all of their college education.

AND that is IF (big if) all goes well with your wife. You need to think about these outcomes. Once you accept/forgive the wife (in my state) YOU are legally responsible regardless what happens in 4 months or 4 years.

So you best see a lawyer. Since you are now living together with the knowledge that the baby is probably not yours there is a strong chance that you cannot legally disavow that child. 

Be rational. Your best bet, if you're going to insist on keeping your wife, is to involve - at least from a distance - the OM. For both medical-emergency reasons and possible financial reasons. 

Again, this is with the understanding that your wife won't get sentimentaly drunk one afternoon and invite the OM to a bar "for old times sake" and give you another "SURPRISE!" in a few years. 

IMO you are seeking approval from others for acting hastily and recklessly.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Good post, Elegirl.

This discussion is moot until OP gets some legal advice. OP, please contact a lawyer. Even a simple phone call may shed some light. 

No, I don't expect him to take OM's wishes into account. I certainly would not. But the reality is that he must.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

withaheavy<3 said:


> opinion


Heavy here is my opinion ...

Hold your head high and take pride in the fact that you are not to the one who dropped the bomb on the marriage, she was. Rid yourself of this woman and take care of your kids and yourself. 

Stop this non-sense talk of a "broken home" for your kids. Kids are tough and who says it has to remain "broken" anyway. Find a new woman who actually respects you and the idea of marriage. Their "home" may end up better than ever.

I cannot even begin to fathom staying with a woman who betrayed me to get knocked up by some other dude. That's the kind of betrayal that can never be forgotten due to obvious reasons. Don't be a fool. Cut your losses.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

withaheavy<3,

If you and your wife can reconcile (BIG IF?), give the OM the child to raise. 

Let your wife give up her rights to the child and give the father full custodial rights.

End game: No OM in your lives and no physical reminder of the A.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

withaheavy<3 said:


> Are there any posts with encouragement on here? I do still love her and i am the one that told her to leave after I saw they became friends on FB. she still has her place but has been staying at home for the last few weeks and is trying to make this work. we are going to church together again and are in counseling.


You are not getting encouragement from anyone because in your particular case there is none to give. She is a toxic person who you need to divorce. You did the right thing by getting custody of your children and kicking her out. Now continue along this path. Be a role model for your children moving forward.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Do you know what you are choosing by repairing? Another man for rest off your marriage. A third person in your marriage with whom you have to share your wife and your life. Another man who is going to influence your children and they comparing him with you, What he did or what you didn't. Another man who is going to influence the vital decisions of your life. Do you want this for rest of your life? Do you want this third person in your marriage? If not then I think you know what to do,


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

withaheavy<3 said:


> Are there any posts with encouragement on here? I do still love her and i am the one that told her to leave after I saw they became friends on FB. she still has her place but has been staying at home for the last few weeks and is trying to make this work. we are going to church together again and are in counseling.



You seem upset that people are not telling you what you want to hear. The truth is that you are not seeing things clearly because you "love" her. Its like a chess game, when you're playing the game you cant see all the moves, when you're just watching from above you can see each move that should be made. Its all gray from where you are...black and white for us.

How will you be able to look at this child and know that its another mans? Will you love it the same as yours own? Probably not because in the back of your mind it will be a reminder of the past. You need to think of all these things and the long term effects on you, your children and this child before you decide what you need to do.

You really need to think long and hard on this before you make a decision, this is going to affect your life for the rest of your life and that child doesnt deserve to suffer the fall out because he/she didnt ask to be born.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

barbados said:


> You are not getting encouragement from anyone because in your particular case there is none to give. She is a toxic person who you need to divorce. You did the right thing by getting custody of your children and kicking her out. Now continue along this path. Be a role model for your children moving forward.


:iagree:

I'm seeing a whole lot of effort by the OP to justify a need in him to repair the marriage. What I'm not seeing is true repentance on the part of the WW - just damage control. Seems to me that she is giving "lip service" (attending church, going through the motions) in order to find someone (the OP) to help support herself and the OM's child.

This marriage will never be successful because the reason for the WW wanting back in are NOT because she loves the OP, but because of his ability to ignore her faults and to attempt to fix the marriage in spite of her lack of focus.

And yes, as others have pointed out, there is no getting around the fact that she is carrying another man's child and now is looking for the OP to support that child.

The OP is being used by the WW.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

withaheavy<3 said:


> Are there any posts with encouragement on here? I do still love her and i am the one that told her to leave after I saw they became friends on FB. she still has her place but has been staying at home for the last few weeks and is trying to make this work. we are going to church together again and are in counseling.


Going to church will not fix a thing nor will it excuse what she has done. No offence but I love how people run to church as soon as they've done some terrible thing to someone else. Like "I can do this to that person and if I go to church that will make it ok". 

I don't think so... some of the most evil, nasty, terrible people I know go to church on a regular basis.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

First see a lawyer then see what are your options and what you should do to protect yourself if you get D. Else you will have to pay child support for 18 yrs for someones seed. Dont think she kept NC with him for two weeks as she dumped OM or they broke it for ever. They will be in touch for rest of their life as they have to raise their child together. They will have to do things together for their child. She will be happy to R because she is going to get two men to take care of her needs. She will hope from one to another. You will have to compete with OM for ever to keep your wife with you.
R is easy to say, but really difficult when the situation is that WW is pregnant with OMs child and want to raise it. Why she didn't go for an abortion? Why she wanted to keep this child? was it for keeping a memory of their A alive for ever? 

If you dont want to end up paying child support for someones child then go see a lawyer. Think with your head not with your.......
Else you will regret for ever.........


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

See a lawyer.

Ask about suing the OM for child support and long term costs like college.

Ask about your options and responsibility if your wife leaves you again. Are you stuck paying for this kid even if you wife leaves you for the OM and takes hid kid with her. In many states you are still legally liable for his child and would be paying him and her child support for his kid.

Ask about adoption.

Ask about suing OM for medical expenses for a special needs child which is very likely if your wife has been drinking heavily.

As for your wife. What measures do you have in place to detect contact with OM? How will you know if they are hooking up?

She chose to cheat with him. Not because you kicked her out. She chose to cheat when she chose talking to him over being faithful to you.

How do you know this isn't going to go on again?


What about abortion?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

IF THE OM WANTS THE CHILD SO MUCH, GIVE IT TO HIM! 

HE'S THE FATHER, LET HIM HAVE THE CHILD!

GET THE OM AND THE CHILD OUT OF YOUR LIFE!

LET THE OM RAISE THE CHILD!

Then you can do what ever you want with your wife.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Another point to consider if you try to fix this.

The OM now has a (legal?) Right to remain in your wifes life because of the kid.

If you reconcile, he therefore will remain in your life.
I don't think the court systems will deny him some type of custody or at least
Visitation unless there is something seriously and legally wrong w him.

Do you trust your wife enough to allow that?
I mean, its not as if u met a divorced wife with a child and started a relationship.

This was your wife who chose to start one w him, regardless of who did the pursuing.

So sue for child support, have boundaries established and all that

Also, think about what this means for the rest of ur life.
Odds are OM will be in it someway/somehow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I suppose the fact that prenatal care, birth, and post natal is cover by YOUR insurance didn't factor in her sudden desire to reconcille right?

She woulndn't be devious enough to have planned this with the OM to cover medial expenses and wrap up child support. That would be soooo unlike her right?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

My pregnant "ex" has went back to her husband


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

withaheavy<3 said:


> The V was my choice


You changed the chemical makeup of your semen. What could possibly go wrong? In theory, nothing. In actually practice, empirical evidence says plenty. Since semen contains mood elevating chemicals to the extent that women who do not use condoms report lower levels of depression and anxiety, it's probably a major mistake to fool with that. That's also why affair sex is unprotected sex and often leads to pregnancy. See how all that works together?

Don't fool with mother nature.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> My pregnant "ex" has went back to her husband


You monitoring traffic for the NSA?


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

My wife is pregnant from affair

Notice the first replier who wrote



> If she intentionally got pregnant why would you want her back? an "accident" is bad enough...


to the thread is the one who opened this thread.

My pregnant "ex" has went back to her husband

I dunno about this...


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> My pregnant "ex" has went back to her husband


You're right, it's the same guy writing both sides, as he makes exactly the same grammatical mistakes.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

He's having us on.


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> Going to church will not fix a thing nor will it excuse what she has done. No offence but I love how people run to church as soon as they've done some terrible thing to someone else. Like "I can do this to that person and if I go to church that will make it ok".
> 
> I don't think so... some of the most evil, nasty, terrible people I know go to church on a regular basis.


 I don't think this is central to the discussion here nor how this helps. If she wants to go to church, let her. It will be her actions outside of church that will determine whether she has changed.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> My wife is pregnant from affair
> 
> Notice the first replier who wrote
> 
> ...



WTF, my head hurts! Really what does someone gain from doing this?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Was she pregnant when she got the DUI?

Never Mind! BS post


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Based on the loves shack thread, I suggest you get yourself a gf ASAP and knock her up too. That way you can give the OM a kid and keep on for yourself.


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