# Resentful



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I've moved in to my new place with my 2 year old daughter, it's only been a few days. Was living for my parents for 7 months prior, ever since my separation from my husband.

It is liberating. It is wonderful having my own place. I can respect myself knowing I pay my own bills and provide for my little one. I thank God every day for the opportunities that are available to me and for finding this kind of strength. And also for the fact that my parents/siblings/extended family are supportive and help me.

But it is lonely. It's a transition, because I am going from a house full of people, to a condo with just my daughter and I. I work late, pick her up from my mom's, then give her dinner and cook something. She gets bored, starts complaining, cries. I haven't gotten internet yet, so she has nothing to preoccupy her while I'm doing chores. I improvise, ask her to get things out of the fridge for me, basically "put her to work" lol in an attempt to curb her boredom. I do my chores as fast as possible so that I can spend time entertaining her. 

I've also had a fever the past 2 nights, barely get any sleep, and do not have the option of calling in sick to work (have a very big project that's already fallen behind). Combined with the exhaustion of moving...it's a lot to handle. But I'm doing it.

Up until December, my husband and I had been trying to reconcile. But by end of December, I had asked my husband to move in to an apartment with me, and he said "no, not now". He owns a house with his brother, and said that he owes a responsibility to his brother/mom and can't abandon them. (His brother makes more money, has his own wife and child, and is fully capable of supporting himself). We had already been separated 5 months - he wanted me to wait several more months until he sold his house and was "ready" to move in with me. Basically, he chose his biological family over the family he created with me. Up until then, I had not asked him for child support, so I finally spoke up and told him he needed to pay for our daughter's food and clothing. I also told him that if he wouldn't move in to an apartment with me, I'd do it by myself. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "go ahead".

He was also VERY upset that I asked him to pay $300 a month for our daughter's food, clothing and education savings. He didn't refuse at all, but his mannerisms were very unpleasant. He basically shot 3 emails at me saying, "I'm going to give you such-and-such (thousands) amount of money to cover everything you spent on me during our marriage, and then we can divorce". I felt very hurt and insulted by this. I never replied. That was the last time we ever properly communicated. Ever since then, we talk ONLY about our daughter, via text, when necessary. Very rarely do we ever talk on the phone, and always only about our daughter.

So why am I writing all this? Because I harbour so much resentment against him, for shirking his responsibility toward my daughter and I. He blames me for leaving our marital home (it was an emotionally toxic environment, we lived with his family and I was unhappy, we'd argue about it, he would scream at me and threaten me, and tried to kick me out of the house - so I eventually just left). In his mind, I'm the bad one. The bad wife who didn't stick it out. The bad woman who is so sensitive and won't let go of what happened. 

I haven't extended him the courtesy of saying that I've moved. I will tell him this weekend when he picks up our daughter.

When I have my fever, and there's nobody there to take care of me, I resent him.
When my daughter complains because she's bored, and there's nobody to entertain her, I resent him.
When I feel stressed about paying my rent and all the bills, I resent him.
When I remember that he's in his 2000 square foot home, living with his Mommy, his brother, his brother's wife and child, instead of with me and our daughter, I resent him.

My resentment grows. My anger has faded, but my resentment has grown. I am so disappointed in him. I married this man truly believing he'd be a wonderful husband and father...and this is what has become of us? 

Sometimes I want to call him and say, "I'm so disappointed in you. We need you, and you're not there for us. You've failed as a husband and father. How could you do this to us?" But I don't want to guilt-trip a man in to being with me. He either wants to be with me, or not...and he clearly has made his decision.

I'm glad that I moved in to my condo and am living alone. This has been an eye opener for me. I always told my family and friends that life is hard and I'm strong and I'll prove to everyone that I can make it. I could have continued living with my parents but I chose to move out, to prove to MYSELF that I can do it! And I have and can! But...there's always a but...it is lonely, and I better get used to this, because this is what life will be like after divorce.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

It is okay to resent him, but don't let it take over every little thing in your life. Splitting up for any reason is difficult. It should be easier when the other person has behaved like a jerk, but isn't always the case. Try to think more about how great it is, what a relief, to be out that house with his mommy and brother. That alone would put me over the moon. And talk to a lawyer. There is no reason for you to wait around for him to leave his mommy-he won't. There will always be an excuse and eventually, he would bring her along to live with you, if he ever did. A divorce and fresh start is probably your best bet. If a man won't leave mommy/family for wife and child, he is useless to you.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> It is okay to resent him, but don't let it take over every little thing in your life. Splitting up for any reason is difficult. It should be easier when the other person has behaved like a jerk, but isn't always the case. Try to think more about how great it is, what a relief, to be out that house with his mommy and brother. That alone would put me over the moon. And talk to a lawyer. There is no reason for you to wait around for him to leave his mommy-he won't. There will always be an excuse and eventually, he would bring her along to live with you, if he ever did. A divorce and fresh start is probably your best bet. If a man won't leave mommy/family for wife and child, he is useless to you.


Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it.

His mom and family deserve a thread all of their own - I resent them so much that I have refused to see them ever since I separated from my husband. 

I am soooooooo relieved to be out of that house! Not a day has gone by where I have regretted my decision to walk out of that environment. I am sad about being separated from my husband, but ECSTATIC that I don't live with his family any more! He had made himself a packaged deal with them...unfortunately.  

In my own place, I can walk around wearing whatever I please, the kitchen is all my own, I have privacy and freedom and independance. Living with my husband, I never considered it "my house", it was always "their house". (Weird, isn't it? When you get married it should be "OUR house"!) 

I just miss being married. I miss the closeness with my husband, we had good times too, that's why it makes it harder to let go. If it was all bad, 100% of the time, then it would be easier for me, but our first year was really good. On a physical level we were always compatible. But he did and said things that he can't reverse, and I can't just "forget". Unacceptable things that forced me to finally leave. If I hadn't left, I might as well have written "door mat" on my forehead and let him and his family rub their shoes over my face whenever they pleased. 

It's just sooooooooo painful to even think about signing divorce papers, that's why I keep putting it off. But you are right, he has made his choice, he chose his biological family. I deserve better than that. And I don't want my daughter growing up in a toxic environment. I wish I could just stay separated forever and not get a divorce...but that's just stupid of course...delaying the inevitable.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It sounds like your H is dealing with enmeshed family situation...which can be toxic to your marriage. That can certainly account for your wanting to claw yourself out of there. But yes, it must feel really disappointing that you H didn't want to join you.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I might as well write about why I resent his family (venting always helps...)

When I first moved in with my husband, he was living with his mother, sister (who is my age and was my friend before my husband and I were ever involved with each other) and his older brother. He owned the home with his brother. He had told me that his only condition was that his mother always live with us. He said his sister will get married eventually and move out, and his brother would marry and have his own life as well. But his one condition was his mom.

I accepted. His mom is a widow and there's really nobody except her kids to take care of her. 

After I moved in, of course, problems started. His mom would ALWAYS bother me in the kitchen, boss me around, tell me what utensils to use, what pots to cook in, how to cook, how to wash my dishes, she would even re-wash my dishes in front of me! It got to the point where my hands would shake when I'd be cooking because I was nervous she'd comment again! I'd try to get as much done while she was away from the kitchen, just so that she wouldn't have the chance to make her stupid comments. My sister in law did the same thing. I told my husband eventually, to talk to his mom and sister and tell them not to bother me while I'm cooking because it upsets me very much. So he did. His mom brought it up one day, basically got very choked up and cried, saying "I am looking out for your own best interests in the kitchen, it's not from a bad place, just friendly suggestions" and me being the stupid idiot that I am, fell for it and said to her "it's ok, I understand, yes I know it's from a good place". I should have seen she was manipulating me. I didn't nip it in the bud, and so I just paved the road for many arguments down the road.

His sister was a super-sensitive person who loves my husband VERY much. My hubby is her best friend. So when I moved in, his attention shifted from her to me - he'd hug me, kiss me, talk to me a lot in front of her and she got jealous. She also was not a considerate person AT ALL. Example: she woke up at 5am every morning to take a shower, using my bathroom (which had an entrance both in my room and in the hallway). The noise sounded like it was coming from right beside my ear. At 5am!!! Unceasingly loud noise from water in the tub, for half an hour, at 5am! It drove me insane! Caused soooooo many arguments with my husband bc he just took her side and said she's getting ready for work! Be considerate, turn on the shower instead of the tub, or use one of the other 2 washrooms in the house, why bother me at 5am? I was very conflict-avoidant and didn't like to tell her to stop doing that, but eventually I had to. Anyway - long story short - problems such as these eventually led her to just stop talking to me. She outright gave me the cold shoulder and would NOT look at me, talk to me, hang out with me, nothing. It was horrible. Created a super toxic atmosphere. Now that I look back, I also realize my MIL would talk to my SIL about me and they were a kind of "team", each punishing me for what the other confided about. 

My BIL was the only one I didn't really have problems with. Very quiet guy. Until he got married and instead of getting a separate home, his wife moved in with us too. I was pregnant, married 1 year by then. She made my life HELL. And I blame myself for not speaking up before she moved in, I could have told my husband and his family that I don't accept the living arrangement, but honestly I was just afraid of speaking up, afraid that they'd think badly of me. So I stayed quiet and just went along with it. The woman moved in. A new adventure began! 

BIL's wife and my SIL became best friends - went everywhere together, and completely excluded me. I felt like an outcast and disliked. When I'd complain to my husband he'd say "why do you even want to go??" They also did stupid things like redecorate and reorganize the entire kitchen on a weekend when I was not home. Never bothered to mention it...I literally came home to a reorganized/decorated kitchen. I felt like that was a big slap across my face. My MIL didn't let anything get by her in the kitchen, but she didn't have the decency of telling the girls to maybe ask me or include me or involve me in the kitchen redecorating? Didn't the girls have that common decency themselves?! Wow. I won't forget that feeling. And me, being the conflict-avoider I was, didn't say anything except to my husband. 

Fast forward. There are now 2 kids in the house (my daughter and my BIL's daughter). We were all still living together. I had tried MANY times to make everyone understand that living together was just a bad idea and caused too much stress. My relationship with hubby suffered a lot bc I resented him for ignoring my concerns. My BIL's wife felt the same way I did. I tell you that woman was a two faced snake...nice to me when I was there but stabbed me in the back when I wasn't looking. To the point where even my MIL told me, "why are you so nice to her? she hates you!" and I told her, "I have to be nice to her because we live together and I want everyone to get along, I don't want us all to be fighting every day, what kind of life is that?" 

My arguments with hubby escalated to the point where he wouldn't keep his voice down, his entire family would get involved, he'd tell me to leave if I wasn't happy. I'd take my daughter and try to leave, but his brother and brother's wife stopped me. I finally told his brother, "you have a sister, if she was unhappy living with her in laws wouldn't you want them to respect her wishes?!" So finally he "said" that they would sell the house and we'd get separate homes. This was just the beginning of a year-long struggle to get them to sell their house which never actually happened. They always had some excuse - oh it's winter let's wait for the warm season, oh our sister is getting engaged, now she's getting married, let's paint first, oh this, oh that. I finally realized they DO NOT want to sell the house, they want to drag it out as long as they can, and want to "trick" us in to thinking they're selling it. They did not want to lose their together-ness.

I also found out that my MIL told her older son (and probably my husband as well) behind my back, that we (the two brides) were "making it up" that we were unhappy. She said that we were getting along fine at home and just using an excuse to stop living together. Unbelievable.

During the winter I went through 2 weeks of depression. I didn't leave my bedroom unless it was to warm up milk for my daughter. It was a very dark time in my life that still gives me shudders when I think about it. Nobody cared. I could hear my MIL and SIL laughing downstairs...the only person who asked me how I was, was my BIL's wife. She said that I had to "snap out of it" because sitting in my room was just making everything worse instead of better. My useless husband was also sad to see me depressed but didn't know what to do to make it better. Well, he did - he could have given me the good news that we'd move out and get an apartment - but of course that wasn't even in his mind as a possibility to consider, so he just sulked around the house until I made up with him. 

One night I was brushing my teeth, my BIL came out of his bedroom and demanded we all congregate in the hallway (haha, seriously it's like some horrible drama playing out) and said, "My wife says you told her that my mom doesn't like her? Did you say that?" And I said yes. I didn't lie. His mom and come to me crying, and complained a lot about her, a few months prior...then when I went through my depression and my BIL's wife came to my room and talked to me, I had vented EVERYTHING to her - told her nobody likes me, they don't like you either, this is what they think of us, why are they forcing us all to live together like this when we're not happy? etc. The stupid woman went and told her husband everything I'd said in confidence to her. So anyway, when I admitted that yes I said that to her, my BIL went ballistic and started hitting the walls and screaming. I defended myself of course, to no avail. He threatened his wife too, told her to leave. By the way, this is his SECOND marriage, his first marriage of 7 years failed because his first wife was unhappy living with everyone!!
My husband did not defend me during this time, in fact, they all just looked at me accusingly, like I was the worst person alive. They were all yelling at my BIL's wife while I tried to defend her...actually I was kind of worried for her safety too...even though it's never gotten physically violent with either of our husbands...hitting the walls is still violent isn't it?!? And I said to my BIL: Your mom DID say that to me. Ask her! And when he asked her: She lied, shook her head, and said "No I didn't." Making ME out to be the liar. 

After that episode, everything was downhill.

My SIL got married, the first month of preparations for the wedding we weren't talking to each other, but the other two I helped her a lot with the wedding. Drove her a million places to get her shopping done. She never said thank you. Even threw her a surprise bridal shower which I never got a "thank you" for. 

This was 3 years since I've been married. 

All this time, my MIL would say things like, "what's your problem, why don't you want to live together? I lived for years with my in laws, you have no patience." Other times she'd say "you can do whatever you want, I don't interfere in your lives." (BIG LIE.)

A month after my SIL got married, my hubby and I had another big fight. My SIL's in laws had invited everyone to their house, but my husband and MIL didn't ask me to go...I felt excluded and hurt and when I told him that, he blew up. Outside in our neighbourhood street, he yelled at me in front of neighbours. I told him to calm down, tried to walk away, he grabbed my hand and pulled me back to him. When I told him he's acting out of control, he said that I MAKE him lose control. It was horrible! He stormed away while I sat in the park for a few hours trying to figure out why my life had become such a mess. That night, he apologized. I told him, "You always say sorry but do the same thing again." That night instead of sleeping beside him, I slept on the floor. When he woke up, I told him, you were really rude and hurtful to me last night and I'm sick of it. He started yelling again and by then I had just had enough...I did NOT back down...I yelled back at him. He called his brother home from work and demanded that I be thrown out of the house. He cried and begged, it was absolutely pathetic. And humiliating to me! He said he didn't want to be married any more to me. He screamed for 3 hours about the whole thing. Is this verbal and emotional abuse? If it isn't...what is? His brother tried to calm us down and told us to sleep in separate rooms for a week.

My MIL wouldn't speak to me. My BIL also stopped speaking to me the next day (I'm guessing bc of something my MIL said to him). My husband didn't show me his face at all. I decided, "enough with this BS". 2 days later, I packed up my entire belongings, took my baby, drove to my parents house. That's when my separation began.

So yes, I resent them. I hate them. My in laws. They did not respect my wishes for my own home separate and apart from my BIL and his wife. I had promised my husband that his mom could live with us, but when his brother got married, why didn't we get our own separate home? Why did we all live together as a pack? SO STUPID! And instead of owning up to the fact that it's a stupid arrangement that causes stress, they blamed me and my BIL's wife! Always needing a scapegoat! And by the way - if by miracle my husband and I somehow do end up reconciling - I will NO LONGER accept for his mother to live with us. Never. No way.

I've tried reconciling with my husband but he says he will not move in to an apartment with me until he sells his house and completes his responsibility to his brother.

So I was living with my parents, and have very recently moved in to a condo and am living alone with my daughter.

Am I wrong to hate my in laws? Or at the very least, resent them very deeply?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Two words: emotional incest.

Yes, this is a situation that you needed to get very, very far away from. You have been residing with a family that has not been weaned from their mother's breast and just stew in a drama-laden exchange of codependency.

I bet now that you are out, you feel a little less crazy...to have all of those people feed off of each other and to make you their scapegoat because you tried to speak up and question their sick family situation. Again, emotional incest.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Oh my gosh, what a horrible situation! I'm so glad you got out. I can imagine the transition to just you and your daughter feels very quiet and lonely sometimes, but gosh it's MUCH better than where you were before! She'll be entertaining herself before you know it. Letting her be your kitchen helper is a great idea anyway, I still cook with my girls and they're 9 and 6.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

FormerSelf said:


> Two words: emotional incest.
> 
> Yes, this is a situation that you needed to get very, very far away from. You have been residing with a family that has not been weaned from their mother's breast and just stew in a drama-laden exchange of codependency.
> 
> I bet now that you are out, you feel a little less crazy...to have all of those people feed off of each other and to make you their scapegoat because you tried to speak up and question their sick family situation. Again, emotional incest.


I've been searching and searching for a way to describe their relationship with each other and their mother, and that's perfect right there. Emotional incest.

My husband simply cannot fathom that he has to make decisions that do not involve his biological family. Oh sure, we've gone on 2 trips for a few days without them, but that was the extent of it. EVERYTHING else we did, they were involved.

I was going crazy. Literally, I felt myself losing it near the end of our marriage. I remember one day, I was talking on the phone with my SIL's friend trying to organize her bridal shower, and heard my husband calling me from downstairs. Then his mother starts! She started yelling my name like an insane person, telling me to come downstairs...I remember thinking "I deserve more respect than this." I outright ignored it. After I hung up the phone, I went downstairs, and asked my hubby what was so urgent? He sarcastically said, "nothing, I won't ever ask you to come downstairs again, you can go back." I kind of laughed and told him he was acting a bit retarded, and walked up to my bedroom. And he completely blew up, right there, screamed to his mom and said, "Who does she think she is? That IDIOT!" I ran down the stairs, and exploded. (This was a month before our separation). I told him, we live in a madhouse, I can't take this anymore! And guess what I did? I actually hit myself. Right there, in front of them, I hit myself on my face and head. It was probably the lowest point of my marriage (other than when he tried to kick me out of the house.) I completely lost it, and had a severe emotional/mental breakdown, right there. Ended up in a heap on the floor, sobbing and asking why everyone ignored my intense unhappiness.

All he did was try to stop me from hitting myself. Later on that night he apologized again - but by that point I had realized that I was literally at a breaking point, mentally/emotionally/physically. Our living situation had broken me. There was no recovering. I had lost so much of myself.

I will never forget that day. I think of it sometimes, to remind myself of how unhappy I was, and that this "loneliness" is worth it. It also reminds me of my own shortcomings...that if I'm pushed to an extreme, I will lash out and act crazy. And so it's better not to be, because I DO NOT want my daughter seeing that kind of thing, ever.

What did his mom do when this episode occurred? She blamed me. Said to me, "You over-reacted, so what if I yelled at you to come downstairs? You should control yourself."


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

northernlights said:


> Oh my gosh, what a horrible situation! I'm so glad you got out. I can imagine the transition to just you and your daughter feels very quiet and lonely sometimes, but gosh it's MUCH better than where you were before! She'll be entertaining herself before you know it. Letting her be your kitchen helper is a great idea anyway, I still cook with my girls and they're 9 and 6.


Thank you! It sure is a million times better than my lifestyle while I was married! I love living alone, but wish my husband would have joined me. He is too attached to his mother and brother to even consider leaving them. In fact, when we were trying to reconcile, he told me that even if we do move in together, his mom is coming with him...and that if I don't accept it, he's not the one for me. Didn't know what to say to that one...I felt like screaming NOOOOOOOOO but I also knew that would literally be throwing my marriage away?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

My H resembles yours in that they share a lack of empathy. When my now 6-year-old was small, she didn't sleep. She'd nurse all night, wake up crying, wake up to throw a tantrum (after 20-30 over the course of the day), and not really settle into a deep, unbroken sleep until usually 4 am. By the time she turned 3, I was a mess. Still nursing (she would have tantrums if I said no, and I was just too tired to hold out. Plus H wouldn't do night duty, so I'd have to comfort her myself. AND, if she wasn't appeased within 2 or 3 minutes, she'd start throwing up. Yes, I saw a behavioral specialist!). Anyway, I begged and begged him for help. I got to the point where I thought he wanted me to die, became convinced he was going to stab me and the girls in our sleep, and started sleeping with them in my bedroom (H in their bedroom), door locked. And he just ignored it. Just like the way your H ignored your depression and breakdown.

It's a really bad red flag. A husband is supposed to love you. I think one who lacks basic empathy has such a long way to go that it's nearly impossible to overcome. I am certain that if you take him back, there's going to be more and more of this kind of thing. I have so, so many examples. And I think like your H, my H came from a messed up family (plus he's a European only male child, so totally indulged). You can give him 10 more years like I did, but my guess is that he'll just keep treating you like this, family in the house or no. Be strong.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, I am sure you did not know that you married the mother also. Caution here is advised if he ever comes around. He has been hard wired to be this person, and he is unlikely to change much. Plus, I believe he is really conceited, where he expects you to come running back to him instead. He is uncompromising, and if he lets go of any power, he is weaker than you. Just a guess anyways. If he sees you as his inferior, the more control he relinquishes, the more he would loathe himself and you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Are you from the same culture he is or a different one?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

northernlights said:


> My H resembles yours in that they share a lack of empathy. When my now 6-year-old was small, she didn't sleep. She'd nurse all night, wake up crying, wake up to throw a tantrum (after 20-30 over the course of the day), and not really settle into a deep, unbroken sleep until usually 4 am. By the time she turned 3, I was a mess. Still nursing (she would have tantrums if I said no, and I was just too tired to hold out. Plus H wouldn't do night duty, so I'd have to comfort her myself. AND, if she wasn't appeased within 2 or 3 minutes, she'd start throwing up. Yes, I saw a behavioral specialist!). Anyway, I begged and begged him for help. I got to the point where I thought he wanted me to die, became convinced he was going to stab me and the girls in our sleep, and started sleeping with them in my bedroom (H in their bedroom), door locked. And he just ignored it. Just like the way your H ignored your depression and breakdown.
> 
> It's a really bad red flag. A husband is supposed to love you. I think one who lacks basic empathy has such a long way to go that it's nearly impossible to overcome. I am certain that if you take him back, there's going to be more and more of this kind of thing. I have so, so many examples. And I think like your H, my H came from a messed up family (plus he's a European only male child, so totally indulged). You can give him 10 more years like I did, but my guess is that he'll just keep treating you like this, family in the house or no. Be strong.


Oh my gosh, that's horrible! How did you sleep, thinking your husband would hurt you and your daughters? I'm so sorry you went through that.

I'm really sad and confused, because for the most part (I'm talking on a regular day to day basis) my husband didn't lack empathy. He cared about me. A lot, and loved me too. And I loved him so much, it hurts to think about it.  I used to have pain in my hands from too much typing, and wake up in the night due to the pain...he'd massage my hands and bring me a warm compress and just try to comfort me. When I cooked he was always appreciative and said "thank you, tastes delicious". Helped me with housework. Never said "no" when I wanted to go out on a "date" with him. Showed affection to me. Generally, paid a lot of attention to me and tried to make me happy. I don't think he lacked empathy, I think he had too much - he wanted to make EVERYONE happy, and he couldn't. He couldn't make his mom and brother happy, AND me. And that made him suffer, so he had to eventually choose, and he chose them. 

While we were reconciling, I told him that if his family loves him, they will be happy to see us happy. If his brother loves him, he will see that our marriage is at a breaking point, and tell my husband to do everything he can to save the marriage. You know what my husband's response was? "No, our marriage is not at a breaking point". So much denial, I was absolutely shocked. Here I am talking about divorce. we don't live together anymore, and there he is saying we're not a crisis point. Wow.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Well, I am sure you did not know that you married the mother also. Caution here is advised if he ever comes around. He has been hard wired to be this person, and he is unlikely to change much. Plus, I believe he is really conceited, where he expects you to come running back to him instead. He is uncompromising, and if he lets go of any power, he is weaker than you. Just a guess anyways. If he sees you as his inferior, the more control he relinquishes, the more he would loathe himself and you.


I have a nagging feeling that you are absolutely right.  And something tells me that his mom/brother are not helping...I think they say things like, "Don't give in to her demands, it will pave the road for her to walk all over you in future." 

I texted him yesterday to inform him that my address has changed, and he did not reply. And all night I had dreams where he was upset and not talking to me, and we're arguing over our separation and his family. It's exhausting.

If he wanted us to be together, then 7 months ago when I left his house and told him I wouldn't live together with his family anymore, he could have moved in to an apartment with me. Or he could have sold his house fast (in a month or two). He hasn't even put it on the market yet...I don't understand these people. I'm sooooooo freaking HURT. But why? I knew that if I walked out, he would not come for me...so why does it hurt so much?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Are you from the same culture he is or a different one?


Same culture, same nationality. 
He's just been brainwashed in to thinking that he absolutely cannot and should not survive without his Mommy and brother.

Look at him, he's living with his brother, brother's wife, brother's child. Babysitting their child, while he doesn't even see his own daughter? What kind of messed up BS is that?! It makes me think that he must absolutely hate my GUTS - but he doesn't, because back in November, we were trying to reconcile. He wanted to be intimate, he kept saying "this kind of thing happens between every couple, we will get through it", and he promised to get an apartment with me but that I'd have to wait for him to sell his house. If he hated me, we wouldn't have gotten to that stage. Everything completely changed when I told him that I wouldn't wait any longer to look for an apartment, I told him that NOW was the time. We were a couple and we should live together, else there's no reason to be married. Even our religious counsellor told him: "You see your wife is safe at her parents' and think you have all the time in the world to work through things, but the reality is different." When I asked him for child support, he just lost it. 

I don't understand this man.
I want to cut myself free but I'm upset that I lost him. I still love him. Is it my fault? Was I a bad person, should I have stuck it out? There was no way to do so without losing my mind.


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