# HELP I am destroying my marriage



## tileguy

I have been married for just about 11 years to a wounderful woman who has put up with an incredible amount of crap from me. I do love her and need to find a way to fix the problems i have caused. i have an 18 year old son from a previous relationship whom i enjoy hanging out with, the problem being we end up drinking which my wife hates. I always feel guilty the next day and say i won't do it again but I do. As i write this and read what i am saying i cannot help but think to myself just stop doing what you are doing and the problem will solve itself. however the reality of the situation is it is not that simple. I am not a full blown alcoholic but more of a binge drinker. i am able to go for awhile with out a drink but as soon as i have one i cannot seem to stop. i have tried AA but don't seem to feel like i fit in there. I am hoping that by trying to get some help and support here i can find away to give my wife the happiness she deserves. when i am "behaving" myself things between us are great but i always seem to sabbotage this. I am not too sure as to why i do this, i know i shouldn't but i do. i talk myself into having just one and that never works out for me as after i have 3 or 4 beer i end up telling myself " well i am already in for trouble so what difference will a few more make?" stupid i know but then i have never claimed to be the brightest bulb in the box. outside of not hanging out with my son and other friends what advice if any does anyone have for a guy who needs find a way to repair the damage he has done to his marriage and get his life back on track? thanks


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## Atholk

Don't meet your son/friends unless there is a planned activity that doesn't involve drinking.

Work on physical health - exercise, run, weights, whatever.


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## BigBadWolf

Atholk said:


> Don't meet your son/friends unless there is a planned activity that doesn't involve drinking.
> 
> Work on physical health - exercise, run, weights, whatever.


This.

Get anything that controls you, under control yourself.


But also, what is this I am seeing between the lines, that your woman is maybe having you running scared for drinking with your son, that she "deserves" someting else? :scratchhead:

What exactly are you implying she is deserving?

Are you abusive when you drink?

Are you destroying property?

Are you neglecting work or career?

If not, then be careful to view your woman as your wife, not your mother.


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## tileguy

to be honest when i drink she gets extreamly upset. she feels the need to talk about it when i am in no shape to do so and then when she won't stop i end up getting mad and wind up saying things that i always regrett. if i get upset enough i wind up throwing things across the house out of frustration, never at her and i am never physically abusive towards her, though she does accuse me of being verbally abusive which i suppose is accurate. i never neglect work, actually i get told i give work more attention than i do my wife. as for what i feel she deserves it is to be happy. i feel as though i have failed her in what i i think a husband should be. this causes me to feel poorly about myself and when i make her cry i feel like sh**. i don't know if any of this makes sence but then again maybe life isn't supposed to. thanks for the replies. will keep checking back and hope to be able to post that all is well one day


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## Atholk

Do something - anything - different to break the cycle of interaction.

If it's she yells -> you drink -> she's mad -> you snap and then back to she yells, then you do anything different to break the cycle of interaction.

If she yells.... then you go exercise. She then can't get mad about you drinking if you go exercise instead of drink.


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## BigBadWolf

Her feeling that she "needs to talk about it" while you are inebriated is not productive.

As well, to nag or scold you is what it is, that you respond by throwing a fit, this is also not productive.

Atholk is correct, this cycle needs to be broken.

There are ways to break it without you giving up entirely something enjoyable to you just to "make her happy". 

Believe me, over the long haul, niether you or your woman will be happy if you go down this road to resolve relationship issues.

Show your woman she is married to an adult, a man that will limit himself to a few drinks, but not let the drinking control him. 

Agreed, if you are unable to do this, then absolutely don't start drinking to begin with.

I cannot read your original post about you "behaving" being the only time things are great without seeing red. 

I strongly encourage you to break out of the cycle of relying on your woman to be your mother, this will only last for a short while and it will eventually grenade the relationship totally. 

Stand up for yourself (and to yourself regarding the drinking), be mature, and be a man yourself from your own leadership and direction, do not need to "behave" to appease your woman.

Show her from your own direction and control that she is married to a good man, and not a boy that needs her lecturing and nagging. 

She doesn't want to be this kind of woman any more than you want her to be this kind of woman!

Be the good man in control of himself and his environment. Self control and self direction in ALL things about yourself.

If you want to make your woman TRULY happy, this is the way.

Opposite this, giving in to this demand or that demand to "behave", especially because you are not your own leader and rely on your woman to mother you, this is the sure fire way to make both of you truly miserable!


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## tileguy

wow, i have recieved more productive advice in 24hrs by comming on this site than i have in the past few years through talking with friends. I will take this advice to heart and begin by breaking the cycle. I have never looked at my situation as my wife being my mother. this i found interesting and as i think back over the years that seems to fit. not that i am looking to be mothered but it does seem to be where we ended up. i have also never looked at this in that she doesn't want to be this type of woman either. i have always just figured it is who she is, not that i have contributed to her being this way.


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## MsLonely

tileguy said:


> wow, i have recieved more productive advice in 24hrs by comming on this site than i have in the past few years through talking with friends. I will take this advice to heart and begin by breaking the cycle. I have never looked at my situation as my wife being my mother. this i found interesting and as i think back over the years that seems to fit. not that i am looking to be mothered but it does seem to be where we ended up. i have also never looked at this in that she doesn't want to be this type of woman either. i have always just figured it is who she is, not that i have contributed to her being this way.


Your thread is quite unique. You admitted you're giving craps to your wife and of course, you would receive tons of sh*t back. You're kinda funny and actually, you know what you're doing, including the moment you decided to take more beer...

One thing I noticed, you chose to make yourself very happy first and later, you're aware that you MUST get ready to face the music when you reach home.

The problem was sometimes, the music was much louder and the talking time was much hell longer than what you expected and prepared, so you would go banana without keeping your mouth shut. The more you wanted to fight with a woman, the more she's gonna make you suffer, under any circumstance, you will be a loser. 

So next time, you want to make yourself and your woman happy, you would look for a balance of what you're doing: how many cans of beer you can purchase for making yourself happy without upsetting your woman...


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## MsLonely

I'd advice you understand your woman well so you can survive with her better. 

For my own example, when I'm venting, if my husband keeps his mouth shut, nodding his head to my every complaint, my nagging will end in 15 mins. 

If he talks back to me, my nagging will switch into anger and my talking time will automatically extend for another 15-30 mins. 

If he gets upset with my nagging, I will cry and my fighting time has no limits.  Now he knows in the end he's gonna lose and give in. So now he learnt to give in much earlier. 

So next time when you do something wrong to your wife, my sincere advice: keep your mouth shut, nod your head and act cute.


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## BigBadWolf

tileguy said:


> wow, i have recieved more productive advice in 24hrs by comming on this site than i have in the past few years through talking with friends. I will take this advice to heart and begin by breaking the cycle.


Good to hear!



> I have never looked at my situation as my wife being my mother. this i found interesting and as i think back over the years that seems to fit. not that i am looking to be mothered but it does seem to be where we ended up.


Our behaviors in relationships, the little things over time add up to each of us often becoming nothing like we intended.




> i have also never looked at this in that she doesn't want to be this type of woman either. i have always just figured it is who she is, not that i have contributed to her being this way.


Your woman, chances are you will not believe how much she will react to you becoming the good man that doesn't need her mothering.

As the nagging and perfectionism, is replaced by respect, admiration, emotional intimacy, and blazing sexual fire, as marriage between the good man and woman should be. 

Many men through the years in many marriages over time, they go their whole lives and miss noticing these very things you have just typed out.

I am trusting when you put this to action, that your marriage becomes far better than you even dreamed for you and your woman!


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## bunnicula

SMART recovery saved my life and my relationship.

I, too, tried AA and NA and felt intensely like they weren't the answer for me. Whatever the level of your alcohol use or abuse, it's obvious you are not comfortable with it, and neither is your wife. Check out smartrecovery.org, or go on the forum: smartrecoveryforum.org. I'm telling you it's amazing!

Best of luck to you. Keep us posted!


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