# I’m losing the spark, please help.



## Clear Blue Water (Sep 16, 2012)

I don’t know how it happened but I have been losing the passion in my relationship. We have been married for 10 years, 3 lovely children’s, and a healthy relationship. When I was getting closer to my 10 year mark, I was so excited about it, no one in my family circle last for that long before, I think is a great accomplishment. Now, for a reason that I can’t understand, I found that sometimes I don’t feel completely happy with my relationship. Can’t say that is my wife’s fault, she has done everything possible to make me happy and take care of the kids like a good mother. Sex is ok, I know she has gain a couple of extra pounds through the years and it makes it a little difficult to make some tricks on bed but still find a way to work it. Between the kids school, the work, the daily duties at home I found myself in a routine. I went to a trip recently and during the trip I was think about my relationship and how I’m starting to lose the interest. I haven’t been unfaithful to her, I haven’t contact any girls form the past (recently), I do watched porn once in a while to get me a little motivated before have intimacy with her when I'm at home, but this is something that she doesn't like at all. I know deeply I love her and if we end up divorcing it will hurt incredibly for all of us in the home. I don’t want to leave her but at the same time I don’t know why I’m losing the passion that once I had.

Please, advise.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It's normal to not always have a 'spark'. Passion doesn't just happen, you have to work at it. Of course it's not going to have that new relationship feel to it but it's a deeper connection. 
Take her on dates, text her during the day, surprise her with love notes or flowers. Treat her like you would a new partner.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

is there anyone else that is causing you to notice the difference?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Couples need to spend at least 10 to 15 hours together every week to keep that spark. That's away from the kids, chores, and work. Do you?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Spark in terms of a relationship is an artificial contruct.

It's not possible to have the same level of infatuation with the same person over a prolonged period of time.

What you're really saying here, is that you miss the "newness" of a relationship. Which to me either means you're looking for someone else, you've found someone else, or you weren't really ready for the comittment of marriage.

Not trying to be a jerk about it either. Just think you need to think about whether you really want this to work and the real motivations behind your feelings.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And fwiw, the 'spark' you talk about is really the PEA chemicals humans get in their body when they first meet a potential mate. It makes you feel 'in love' or giddy or just happy to see that person. It's in your body for procreational reasons, to further the species, and it usually only lasts about 4 or 5 years, and then the body stops producing it. After a year or two of no longer feeling that 'spark,' people mistakenly think they're no longer in love when, in reality, they just are seeing the other person without that chemical rush.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

If you are looking for problems, you will find them.

What exactly do you have an issues with in your relationship? 

That's#1

One area that MIGHT be an issue is "sex is ok". See if your wife can make this GREAT.

How much time do you guys spend together (none kids). 

Relationships need CONSTANT work on DAILY BASIS. What do YOU do every day for your relationship? What do you do together with your wife (again no kids).

Do you feel that you are working "hard" in your relationships?

Also how often have you initiated sex etc? 

PS. I would lay off porn if you "need" it for arousal. Your wife (or you) should be able to do that! Eat her out, finger her etc......


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## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

The sparks come and go through a long relationship, I am just curious as to what you meant by "RECENTLY" What has happened during your marriage? You cant get good advise with 1/2 truths. 





Clear Blue Water said:


> I haven’t contact any girls form the past (recently),.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

In all long term relationships that passion fades. You have to work at turning each other on. 

You could be suffering from low testosterone too.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

How many pounds is "a few pounds?" (Referring to her weight gain.) Are you still the same weight/physical condition?


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## Clear Blue Water (Sep 16, 2012)

Alright, I’m going to try to answer a best as I can all the questions by name:

Cliclopz, Brandy905, and Sinnister – I had conversations before with some of my ex’s to see how they were doing. I will admit that I had some deeper conversation with some of them of the past but not to the point of “Let’s meet to make it happen again”. Besides, many of them don’t look as desirable as they use to in the past. So, I don’t believe that they may have an effect on what I’m feeling currently, if anything could happened with me relationship, I don’t see myself running to them to satisfy any needs, I Know I will end up more guilty and empty than anything else. 

Turnera and DOF – With the school for the kids, my homework from online college, both working 8-9 hours daily, physical exercises, with all this on the plate we haven’t found time for us. I thought reducing my workout hours but my work requires me to be in shape its kind hard to limit that. To be honest, I can’t remember when was the last time we enjoyed doing something together. She is an amazing singer, I’m a terrible one. I like to play video games, she definitely not. I like to swim, bike, and run, due to her weight she can only walk. The good thing in this topic she always supports me when I need time to accomplish these workouts. 

Happy as a clam – yes, there is a significant weight difference. This is something that I knew since the beginning of the relationship. Back then she was 270 (5,6) and I was 190 (6,0) and we still work it out. At one point on 2011 she was able to lose about 50 pounds and looked amazing. Through the time, she lost the motivation and gained the pounds again. Today she is 300 and I 197, yes we still have intimacy but we are limited to certain positions, it’s kind hard to get a little creative on bed. We have talked about this topic and I have tried to help her to lose the weight again but I’m not sure how she lost the motivation. 

I know, I sound like a little b..ch complaining about situation. 

Still, I want to make this happen and see how I can work this relationship. 

Suggestions?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Don't kid yourself. You created distance between you and,your wife. She doesn't know you went out trolling exes, does she. 

You have guilt about this, do you not?

The first step back involves honesty. It is unfortunate that you were to some extent unfaithful because you have to climb that mountain with your wife now. But you did that to yourself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Clear Blue Water said:


> To be honest, I can’t remember when was the last time we enjoyed doing something together.


Well, then, how do you expect there to even BE a spark? 

You are not prioritizing your marriage. 

It CAN be done, but you have to WANT to do it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Clear Blue Water said:


> I will admit that I had some deeper conversation with some of them of the past but not to the point of “Let’s meet to make it happen again”.


Well, there you go then. Someone piqued your interest so you started wondering why you want your wife. Basic psychology.



Clear Blue Water said:


> Besides, many of them don’t look as desirable as they use to in the past.


No offense, but you are incredibly shallow. You repeatedly bring up looks and fitness. It's obvious part of your 'loss of spark' is her looks. That's fine, Attractiveness is usually one of men's top 5 Emotional Needs. But let's call this what it is, ok? Be honest about it. With yourself AND with her. 



Clear Blue Water said:


> So, I don’t believe that they may have an effect on what I’m feeling currently, if anything could happened with me relationship, I don’t see myself running to them to satisfy any needs, I Know I will end up more guilty and empty than anything else.


Doesn't matter. They got you thinking, it DID have an effect. Own it. You skirted around an Emotional Affair.



Clear Blue Water said:


> I thought about reducing my workout hours but my work requires me to be in shape its kind hard to limit that.


Just how many hours a week DO you exercise? If it's more than 5, you're doing it because you love to do it, not because you need it. Again, own it. YOU are prioritizing your workouts over time with your wife.



Clear Blue Water said:


> To be honest, I can’t remember when was the last time we enjoyed doing something together. She is an amazing singer, I’m a terrible one. I like to play video games, she definitely not.


Fine. There are about 1,345,978 OTHER things to do together that you two could be trying out to see if you BOTH like doing it, together. But you're not.



Clear Blue Water said:


> I like to swim, bike, and run, due to her weight she can only walk.


Great. Start walking with her. Great way to get in some of those 10-15 hours a week together. I bet she would LOVE to have an hour a day with you just walking around the neighborhood and talking to each other. Even if you have to take the kids; odds are, the kids could use some exercise, too, away from their electronics. You could even go to a park and let them play while you walk around it.



Clear Blue Water said:


> We have talked about this topic and I have tried to help her to lose the weight again but I’m not sure how she lost the motivation.


That's easy. She sees you soaring like an eagle and she hates herself for not measuring up. And given how obsessed you are about looks and fitness, it's a safe bet she KNOWS very well how poorly you think about her. That is what makes overweight women lose motivation.

There. There's your suggestions. You gonna have an excuse for each one of them?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP, I must say that I can't imagine there's that much of a difference between 270lbs and 300lbs.

Your wife is obese, and definitely needs to lose weight. Never mind looks and attraction, it's incredibly unhealthy to be that weight at 5'6".

Stop talking to your old girlfriends. That's a recipe for disaster. At some point you WILL reach the "Let's meet for old times' sake" point and there will be no going back.

You both need to prioritize your health and your marriage. Like others have mentioned, start spending more time together, take walks, buy healthy food, and get your relationship back on track.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Besides a modest weight gain (come on, she was a big girl when you married her), how else has SHE changed?


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