# How do I know if my marriage is done?



## Janey533 (May 27, 2016)

I just wanted some help and advise. 

I am 8 months married and have been with my husband for 11 years. We had a rocky start and I guess in essence I have always felt like I was 'lucky' when he moved in with me and eventually asked me to marry him. (In our first three years together he broke up with me twice and had a drunken one night stand) but I was besotted and it didn't matter what he did to me. However we had been together for the last 7 years and happy - or so I thought. 

After the wedding I realised that ... with no wedding to plan anymore that we had become 2 separate people. He was watching sports almost every night and all weekend, drinking a fair bit and I was falling asleep on the sofa (bored from sports) or going out the house because I was bored. We didn't go to bed at the same time very often...or we would but only when he woke me up from falling asleep. We had got into a rut and I guess I felt like I was taken for granted. 

I noticed when we spoke to each other we seemed bored, or would criticise. We didn't seem to have any passion for a physical relationship anymore. 

The thing is .... I only noticed this when my best friend who I worked with for years told me he had feelings for me. I tried to deny anything but we are very similar people. He made me feel wanted, like the most important person in the world and was very supportive through things going on in my life. I felt comfortable and open. This made me see things in my marriage I hadn't previously seen or chosen to bury my head and ignore. 

I told my husband that I had kissed and fallen in love with another person but still loved him. He took it well to be fair and saw many of the things that had led me down this path. We were away when I told him and had a lovely couple of weeks together but got back home and things have been harder. 

I saw how much I hurt him and honestly had thought he wouldn't be that bothered about me, just the lives we had created (house, dog etc.) I am now torn as it is a very rocky path and we are struggling to get back on track. Once these things are noticed they don't just become unnoticed. I have seen some signs of slipping back to old ways, and he feels like I never assure him or now has issues with how committed I am to my job etc. I have felt suffocated and really struggled since getting back to try and get back to normality. 

I guess what I am asking is how do you know when a relationship is done (my husband was my first love) or when it should be fought through and do you think people can really get over this sort of situation? I guess what scares me is I look at my mum and dad and don't want to end up like that. I have changed a lot since we got together as I was so young. I see some of my dad's characteristics in my husband (but not all obviously) so I have a fear over what it will turn out like again. 

The other guy is a close friend I have known for years so it wasn't an excitement only just know each other thing. We are just similar people and I honestly have never felt as able to communicate with someone so easily. I just didn't see it before - anything more than friendship and that I had issues in my relationship. I just had buried my head in the sand and ignored any issues as we had a nice comfortable life and I thought that was enough. 




Thanks


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hopefully your husband has divorce proceedings in the works already.


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## Janey533 (May 27, 2016)

Ok - I expected judgement as I am fully aware I am a terrible person for what I have done, and believe it or not am so against cheating. I fully deserve any judgement and I never expected myself to be in this situation. I can't control my feelings but I agree I should have controlled my actions! But I was hoping for advice also. I am able to punish myself enough for what I have done!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Kissed means sex, right? Be honest.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

If you don't have kids and don't have any religious issues with splitting then I would recommend that you first cut of all non work contact with your friend and give your marriage a month and see if anything gets better. Keep in mind you are 50% of the equation and you can't expect things to get better if you are preoccupied with someone else. Also you seem to put this all on your husband but it CLEAR that he is not happy with you either. A man doesn't just do the things that your husband does if he's happy with his wife. Men unfortunately often communicate with actions and not with words. Have you asked him what his issues are with you? Bottom line, it's not right to quit a marriage if you haven't put in the necessary work to fix it and from what you've written you have not. All you've done is put your head in the sand, blame your husband for the problems, and get your emotional needs met by somebody else. Does this sound like somebody who has really been serious about saving their marriage.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

The dude you kissed and have feelings for, what will become of that when you find he too sits and watches sports all day? It takes two to make a marriage work. Did you at the very least talk to your H and let him know there is more to a marriage than sports and the couch? What are you doing to make the marriage work? Keeping time with a coworker does exactly nothing in helping a marriage thrive.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Advice? Ok.

- NO CONTACT with the 'friend'. NONE. You must enlist your husband to check up on you about this too.
- Your husband gets full and unhindered access too every single method of communication you use, every bank statement and credit card, and your whereabouts at all times
- you seek out the help of a therapist who deals specifically with cheaters, and who will make you be accountable
- you tell your husband that if he wants you to chop off your left arm, you will. You do whatever he wants you to. For now and for the next two years at least, your husband calls the shots and you do as you're told. Period.
- You tell your husband to come to TAM and post about his feelings
- both of you read 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass
- you start the search for a marriage counselor who deals with infidelity and plan on starting that up in a few months once you've been in IC for a while and have a handle on why you did what you did.

That's just for starters.


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## Janey533 (May 27, 2016)

Ok thank you everyone.

Kissed does not mean sex no. 

I completely admit that I am not innocent in the faults in our marriage. I let my marriage get to where it did without realising. (I will point out that I never moaned about him watching sports and everything during our relationship because at the start I guess I thought he might leave me if he didn't ... that is stupid and my own fault for thinking that. I had insecurities I guess because of our rocky start and also it went from watching sport a few times a week to it being on almost all the time but again I let it get there.)

Also for everyone who has been straight on at me please note my husband did cheat on me once (full sex). It was a long time ago and I do not hold it against him nor do I use it as an excuse for what I have done or to justify it because I forgave him for it but I guess I am saying I am not the only one who messed up. But this was before we were married and it was a long time ago.

I am also responsible for not making our marriage work and no I didn't talk to him properly about it before. That is my fault. I guess we never really talked and he can have moods where it is difficult to speak to him but that is my fault as I don't like conflict or confrontation so avoid. I should have spoken to him and I realise I am wrong.

Thank you everyone


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## Janey533 (May 27, 2016)

I also no longer work with this other person for the record. Doesn't change anything I guess but not like I am in day to day working environments with him.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Advice? Ok.
> 
> - NO CONTACT with the 'friend'. NONE. You must enlist your husband to check up on you about this too.
> - Your husband gets full and unhindered access too every single method of communication you use, every bank statement and credit card, and your whereabouts at all times
> ...


I am not kidding here.

Can you do all of this?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Janey, you have to decide what you want.

You need to stop all contact with the OM or you will never fix your marriage.

If you won't stop contact then you have already made the decision and have not realized it yet.

It comes down to you talking with your husband like you talked with the OM and save your marriage or stay friends with the OM and end the marriage.

You can not fix what is broke when you turn to someone else, that is not your husband, for support. 

They other thing is that this friend wants to be more then friends, he will do what he has to to make this happen. So, everything that he has said to you in regard to your marriage is bias in his favor to end your marriage. 

Think about some of your conversations the two of you have had. Has there been anything positive from him about your marriage with out a "but" at the end of it? You do not need to answer this, just think on it. 

You gave the OM all the information he needed to undermine your marriage from his side. 

Good luck, you have a lot of hard work ahead of you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Your husband may have cheated, but you swept it under the carpet when you should have called it out, effectively telling him (and yourself) you were OK with it. You clearly weren't. When you choose to put your head in the sand over such an indiscretion, it doesn't automatically allow you to later use it as justification to this board (and again, yourself) for your own indiscretions. That kind of reasoning won't fly here. 

My advice, for what it's worth : you both sound incompatible for each other. I'd end the relationship before you consider another, and add on a healing period before you date again.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

To save your marriage you both need to tune in and take care of eachother. You sound like housemates with a dog.

Stay away from the other man and get excited about building a life with the man you really love which is your husband. You know this deep down. Find a new job if you have to. A kiss is not the end of the world if it's all that's happened. Don't waste another minute. As long as your husband still wants the marriage rebuild it.


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## Janey533 (May 27, 2016)

Thank you to the last 3 posts.

I know - I have contacted a couple of counsellors and I am going to go and see somebody to help me. I am so sad and confused and messed up all the time because I got myself (yes I am aware it is all my fault) into this situation and I feel so empty and sad all the time.

I don't use my husbands previous indiscretions as justification. They were years earlier, they were different and at a different time in our relationship and I forgave them. I merely put that in the first post to explain we had a rocky start and I had always felt like he had the upper hand in the relationship I guess and I only put it the second time to just say both me and my husband have made mistakes in the past because everyone was very quick to get on to me.

I am fully aware that I am to blame (the reason I probably just burst into tears whenever I am alone because I hate myself) but I am not 100% responsible for my relationship getting to where it got and I don't blame my husband 100%. We both let it get somewhere we were both clearly unhappy. I merely stated his indiscretion earlier in our relationship because everyone was very quick to just say I was a terrible person (which I already feel and know I am) and I guess I was hoping for advice and help and not just judgement. 

Maybe a professional can help me because I don't even know what I feel anymore except empty sometimes, sad most the time and angry. Like I want to hurt myself (not physically) rather than keep hurting people around me.

Thank you for your time.

I don't want to be a bad person forever ...I didn't use to be. I just got lost somewhere ...I developed feelings I never expected to have and I got very confused. Doesn't justify anything I know and I am not trying to. I am responsible for my actions and only have myself to blame!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Are you getting your needs met? Are you meeting his? If there is a no to any part of these questions, then your marriage is over; and it's only a matter of time before. It is official. 

I'm sorry, but reconciliation is hard work. You will have to do most of the heavy lifting and there is no guarantee your husband will forgive and forget.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You can ignore what I am saying if you like, but if you care to do some reading around the Coping with Infidelity section you'll see that what I am telling you is pretty much the only way you're going to have a hope of fixing anything here. And even then the chances are not good.


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