# Newlywed in trouble



## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

A little background. She is 21. I am 35. Got married October of this year. Started dating around April of this year. She just got out of a 6 year relationship with the father of her 2 children a couple of months before we started dating. He was a cheater, abusive, controlling, etc. She has admitted that she does certain things based off of how her relationship was with him such as not ask me to help with her kids since he never helped, admitted that her kids come before her husband (me) because she had to put the kids first in her relationship because he was focused on himself only. I cant talk to her about anything because she immediately gets defensive and nothing comes out of it except an argument. When I tell her how i feel she says I am attacking her and that i shouldnt do that because I know how she will act when i do that. I have no idea how to talk to her or get through to her when stuff bothers me and it is pushing me further away as far as intimacy because I no longer feel like i can talk to her. What do I do?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have the money to take her to a marriage encounter? It's like 5 days on intense counseling? IT's also a vacation in California. 

You could tell her that you want to learn to be a better husband and this way she could help guide you. Do not tell her anything about what she might be doing wrong in your eyes.


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## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

I doubt I have the money for that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you think you could get her to read some books with you about improving your marriage? Again saying you want to do it to improve youself?


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## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Do you think you could get her to read some books with you about improving your marriage? Again saying you want to do it to improve youself?


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## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Do you think you could get her to read some books with you about improving your marriage? Again saying you want to do it to improve youself?


Yes
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

primebeatz said:


> Yes
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Take a look at the books in my signature block.. the ones about building a passionate marriage. If she will read those with you and work through them it would benefit the both of you a lot.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but you got married after dating her for 6 months, and she was only a couple months out of 6 year relationship. Plus you're almost twice her age. Does that sum up the situation? 

My thoughts... You guys need to start with some basic relationship help. See if some of your friends have a counsellor that they'd recommend. If you're religious, use your church leaders. But really, you guys should still be in the "getting to know you" phase, not the "getting to know you, know your kids, learning to live with each other, recovering from abusive relationship, rebound" phase.

C
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## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Do you think you could get her to read some books with you about improving your marriage? Again saying you want to do it to improve youself?


Yes we would both do it
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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

How is the relationship at the moment between the 'father' and his kids. I think this may have to do with it. Was he also a lot older than her. How does a six year one if she is only 21. It started at 15.
Looks like she never had a 'youth'. This can be detrimental.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I agree with accept. She hasn't had time to mature as a person. She has TWO children by the age of 21 and was with an abusive partner to whom she will be linked for the next 18 years, from age 15. In some ways, she may still be at mental age 15. You on the other hand are 35, more than twice that. Marrying someone after knowing them for 6 months is risky. My husband and I got married after being together for only 6 months also. However, we are very close or same in age, education, background, interests, communication style, love language, personal preferences, daily life, and on and on. Even so, we still knew it was a little crazy!

Your wife brought two children into the marriage. Unfortunately for you, yes they will be and remain her priority. If you had them together, you would be the first priority. That's how these things work... but part of being a stepfather is understanding and accepting this situation. Do the children live with you?

She obviously needs to learn to listen and to communicate. Individual and marriage counseling can help with this. I wish you luck.


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## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

thanks for all of the advice. I honestly never thought of the age thing the way Omega put it. kinda scary. so while she matures, more than likely we grow apart, right?
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## primebeatz (Dec 23, 2011)

her ex is a year older than her. he seems to want the kids when it's convenient for him. doesn't help financially.
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