# How do I get my wife to help out?



## hankthetank81 (Apr 9, 2016)

My wife and I are married 4 years now. I love her to death but I am getting frustrated with her lack of pride in our home. She is a hard worker, she has a heart of gold. When it comes to cooking, cleaning, organization... well she is lacking. I am beginning to feel burned out. I don't know how to tell her, for I have had many subtle talks with her on the issue. I've dropped hints such as taking the 14 pairs of shoes littered through the house and leaving them on the bedroom floor or taking her bags she drops inside the door every day and putting them in the closet. I would think after a couple years of showing her where to put them so company isn't tripping over them she would get a hint but she hasn't yet. Dishes, oh dishes. So I get home first, naturally I cook. She doesn't care for cooking, every once in a blue moon she surprises me. Even when it's not good I compliment her to try and give her some confidence. After we eat, who does the dishes? I do, for if I don't the sink will remain full until I do, even when I have asked her to do them to help me out. House cleaning... we have 2 small dogs, one is a shedder. The house has to constantly be dusted, vacuumed, and organized for our dogs leave toys all over and knock all the cushions off the couch. If I don't do it, it does not get done. Now we are going in to spring, the yard needs to be mowed. The weeding has to be done, bushes trimmed, all on my plate. Thank goodness for more daylight, it's tough to do all these things every day along with a full time job. So here's what I'm getting at. I feel like I am alone in this relationship at times. I want to take pride in our home and not feel embarrassed when people stop by. I want to be able to take vacation and do something relaxing instead of playing catchup on the things that have been lacking. And while I'm doing projects for her friends that she signs me up for, I would hope she would relieve me from the homework I have been doing. I just don't know how to get through to her. I've let it go to the point I wouldn't let people in the door out of pure embarrassment and it never clicked to her that she needs to put the iPad down, turn off the TV and give me a hand. Take pride in our home. I guess ultimately it's my fault for spoiling her, allowing it to go this far. But rather than be a jerk, or fight, I just sick it up and do everything myself. I was in a long term relationship prior to my wife that I learned a lot from, maybe some things I think are for the better are not so great after all. Does anyone else feel they are taken for granted and what have you done to remedy the situation? Any suggestions on ways I can get my wife to realize I can't do it all by myself?


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## primavera (Sep 4, 2014)

You don't have to 'be a jerk or fight', but being subtle or making hints and expecting her to read between the lines are not going to cut it either! You need to have a serious talk with your wife about doing her share. Not to 'help you out' but because marriage is a partnership and she needs to contribute.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You will need to be straightforward about it, if I want my H to help I just tell him straight out that I could use his help today and he ask what do you want me to do to help.

Just tell her that since you both work, you need her to start helping out with the house chores and tell her what you want help with. If the talking doe snot work then she is lazy and I would just take all her crap and shove it in a closet and let her sort it out. 

If nothing else if you can afford it have a housekeeper come in a couple of times a week, and tell her that she needs to pay for it since she is not willing to help keep the house clean.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Stop doing the jobs for other people that she volunteers you for. Tell her you need that time to do the jobs you feel need doing around your own place.

Can you live with her lack of tidiness, or is this going to make you leave the relationship?

Also, you should not be "dropping hints." You should be clear and direct. Also be open to her honest response.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

If you are both working full time, honestly the best solution is to hire someone to clean the house weekly or however often you need to. It's really not that expensive and will give you time to enjoy more of life.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OliviaG said:


> If you are both working full time, honestly the best solution is to hire someone to clean the house weekly or however often you need to. It's really not that expensive and will give you time to enjoy more of life.


Do cleaners pick up clutter, though? I thought they just cleaned.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

How about hiring out the yard work?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Take all the shoes put them in a garbage bag. Tell her to put them away or they go out in the trash next week. Passive aggressive...sure but the point will be made.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I completely disagree with this. A grown woman can't do dishes, vacuum, or pick up her crap from around the house? My teenage boys do this.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

jld said:


> Do cleaners pick up clutter, though? I thought they just cleaned.


Cleaners will do one of two things with clutter:
1) Pile it in a bin or a corner.
2) Clean around it.

The best thing about hiring a cleaner is that it will give her a deadline for picking up the clutter or else she'll have a stranger unceremoniously throwing the crap in a bin and leaving her to try to find what she needs later. My prediction is she won't like this happening and will pick up after herself before the deadline next time.

The other good thing is that it's not her husband having to "teach her a lesson" by throwing her stuff in a pile - it's the cleaners.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

When I went back to work full time after being a SAHM the housework became a bone of contention in our household. Hiring a cleaner was a good thing for our marriage.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I need more info. What is the working situation? Are you. It's full time? What is her parents situation like? Does the dad do everything, is their house messy?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> When I went back to work full time after being a SAHM the housework became a bone of contention in our household. Hiring a cleaner was a good thing for our marriage.


They don't have kids. He does the cooking and then ALSO the dishes while she watches TV and is on her iPad. She won't clean up her clutter. It's not the same situation, at all. Why does a grown-up feel she does not need to do anything ?? Hiring a cleaner tells her that's okay. Imagine if they DID have kids!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Livvie said:


> They don't have kids. He does the cooking and then ALSO the dishes while she watches TV and is on her iPad. She won't clean up her clutter. It's not the same situation, at all. Why does a grown-up feel she does not need to do anything ?? Hiring a cleaner tells her that's okay. Imagine if they DID have kids!


He can't force her. He can try to persuade her, or accept her as she is, or leave.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

Livvie said:


> They don't have kids. He does the cooking and then ALSO the dishes while she watches TV and is on her iPad. She won't clean up her clutter. It's not the same situation, at all. Why does a grown-up feel she does not need to do anything ?? Hiring a cleaner tells her that's okay. Imagine if they DID have kids!


I'm sure you're right; she should be doing more.

The question is, what's worth fighting about? Even without kids, working full time and keeping up with housecleaning and yard work is too much work, IMO. I'd like to have some downtime once in a while. I have high standards for keeping my home clean and organized and it's not worth fighting about.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

IMO this is something to go to the mats over. Cause if you continue to enable this bad behavior your life will be hell with this woman. If kids come along you'll never keep up, your resentment will go through the roof and this M will go downhill fast.

I would stop doing anything and tell her it's her turn to carry the load for a while. When she continues to sit around and do nothing and the place gets filthy I'd make the comment that you won't continue to live in filth and that a clean house is one of your 'basic needs'. If that doesn't get her motivated then move out.

The thing is, by going through this process you will find out pretty quick if she is a woman worth having or just a lazy selfish user. If the latter you don't want her long term anyway.


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## SandyY2K (Apr 1, 2016)

You sit down with her and tell her she needs to assist around the house as you are feeling it all falls on you.

If she doesn't take heed resentment will build up and cause a lot more problems.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think if a couple can afford a housekeeper.. it's well worth it.... someone to come in once a week for a few hours.. but if money is an issue.. this just isn't a viable option....a couple needs to buckle down and hold their responsibilities... to keep the household running smoothly.. 

Both of you should sit down & haggle out what responsibilities each will commit to (use a calendar if you have to).. without resentment growing.. that's the main thing.. because once this starts.. it's a downward spiral.. and you'll both find the intimacy slipping...

My father in law came from a family where one could literally eat off the floor.. husband's Mom came from a family that collected junk.. literally.. what opposites they were [email protected]# it did cause a lot of contention between them.. he was embarrassed to bring his family to their house.. he worked full time.. she didn't work.. I had to hold my mouth shut when she complained about him.. I took his side !

She'd leave the house. he'd be out there burning stuff.. She was difficult to deal with on this.. she'd roll her eyes.. give him grief.. he was a good man.. so his retreat was not to be home much.. he hung with the guys alot.. 

I think they would have had a much closer marriage had she kept the house clean.. kind of a shame.. it was their biggest contention.. but they stayed together till the end..


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## lilbitoluv (Aug 14, 2015)

hankthetank81 said:


> My wife and I are married 4 years now. I love her to death but I am getting frustrated with her lack of pride in our home. She is a hard worker, she has a heart of gold. When it comes to cooking, cleaning, organization... well she is lacking. I am beginning to feel burned out. I don't know how to tell her, for I have had many subtle talks with her on the issue. I've dropped hints such as taking the 14 pairs of shoes littered through the house and leaving them on the bedroom floor or taking her bags she drops inside the door every day and putting them in the closet. I would think after a couple years of showing her where to put them so company isn't tripping over them she would get a hint but she hasn't yet. Dishes, oh dishes. So I get home first, naturally I cook. She doesn't care for cooking, every once in a blue moon she surprises me. Even when it's not good I compliment her to try and give her some confidence. After we eat, who does the dishes? I do, for if I don't the sink will remain full until I do, even when I have asked her to do them to help me out. House cleaning... we have 2 small dogs, one is a shedder. The house has to constantly be dusted, vacuumed, and organized for our dogs leave toys all over and knock all the cushions off the couch. If I don't do it, it does not get done. Now we are going in to spring, the yard needs to be mowed. The weeding has to be done, bushes trimmed, all on my plate. Thank goodness for more daylight, it's tough to do all these things every day along with a full time job. So here's what I'm getting at. I feel like I am alone in this relationship at times. I want to take pride in our home and not feel embarrassed when people stop by. I want to be able to take vacation and do something relaxing instead of playing catchup on the things that have been lacking. And while I'm doing projects for her friends that she signs me up for, I would hope she would relieve me from the homework I have been doing. I just don't know how to get through to her. I've let it go to the point I wouldn't let people in the door out of pure embarrassment and it never clicked to her that she needs to put the iPad down, turn off the TV and give me a hand. Take pride in our home. I guess ultimately it's my fault for spoiling her, allowing it to go this far. But rather than be a jerk, or fight, I just sick it up and do everything myself. I was in a long term relationship prior to my wife that I learned a lot from, maybe some things I think are for the better are not so great after all. Does anyone else feel they are taken for granted and what have you done to remedy the situation? Any suggestions on ways I can get my wife to realize I can't do it all by myself?



The problem is that you have let this go on too long and do she expects you to do things as you have been. Was she messy before you married? If so then you should have seen this coming. 

If you want to get help from her, tell her straight out. Be cool about it but be serious too. Both of you should be helping out and not feeling that the other is taking advantage. She's a grown woman and she should know better, but if she doesn't, you should tell her.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

So after you cook and the dishes need to be cleaned, have you even said to her "Please help me with the dishes"? What does she say, or have you never asked?

Do that EVERY TIME. Then eventually move to have her start the dishes, but you stop and ask her to finish. Eventually train her to do the dishes if you cook. That is most fair.

A more direct approach would be to tell her that cooking and cleaning up come together. If she is not going to help, do not cook for her. Make just enough for yourself.

I have a seriously ill wife who has little energy for household duties. I do it all and do not complain  But if I ask her to help with dishes she will do them. (I rarely if ever ask.) If my wife can do dishes, so can yours. Your wife has NO EXCUSE.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's simple. Go on strike. Tell her that from now on when you get home from work you're going to surf the web or read or watch tv. Dinner is on her, dishes on her, dogs on her, cleaning the house on her. And, you're not going to make her feel better about herself by doing jobs she has signed you up for - your time is your time. 

Don't yell, don't be mean but just explain that you're burned out and it's her turn to pick up the slack. You might suggest that she take a cooking class or two.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, be direct with her without emotion involved. Odds are she will get defensive.

Well, after that, next comes action. First, only cook and clean after yourself. You want a partner, not a child. If she wants the relationship, she will hold up on her own end, it is simple as that.

Well, when one thinks of the term partner, it means supporting and sharing the good, the bad, the responsibilities and all that wonderful stuff that comes along with the term.

With some, they need reminders constantly to take care of their own end when it comes to the home. Either way, it is their own job to make sure that they do. I would also be ashamed if guest came over and saw the state of my own home. People would think that I lack cleanliness and well, people would avoid coming over. Not to mention cleanliness promotes health and a better mental state.

Btw, the more you put up with it and do not say anything, the more she will find it acceptable. Even then, odds are, she will try for a short period of time before reverting. If you want to make it part of her behavior to be responsible, you need to see it maintain for at least six months to a year.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

hankthetank81 said:


> My wife and I are married 4 years now. I love her to death but I am getting frustrated with her lack of pride in our home. She is a hard worker, she has a heart of gold. When it comes to cooking, cleaning, organization... well she is lacking. I am beginning to feel burned out. I don't know how to tell her, for I have had many subtle talks with her on the issue. I've dropped hints such as taking the 14 pairs of shoes littered through the house and leaving them on the bedroom floor or taking her bags she drops inside the door every day and putting them in the closet. I would think after a couple years of showing her where to put them so company isn't tripping over them she would get a hint but she hasn't yet. Dishes, oh dishes. So I get home first, naturally I cook. She doesn't care for cooking, every once in a blue moon she surprises me. Even when it's not good I compliment her to try and give her some confidence. After we eat, who does the dishes? I do, for if I don't the sink will remain full until I do, even when I have asked her to do them to help me out. House cleaning... we have 2 small dogs, one is a shedder. The house has to constantly be dusted, vacuumed, and organized for our dogs leave toys all over and knock all the cushions off the couch. If I don't do it, it does not get done. Now we are going in to spring, the yard needs to be mowed. The weeding has to be done, bushes trimmed, all on my plate. Thank goodness for more daylight, it's tough to do all these things every day along with a full time job. So here's what I'm getting at. I feel like I am alone in this relationship at times. I want to take pride in our home and not feel embarrassed when people stop by. I want to be able to take vacation and do something relaxing instead of playing catchup on the things that have been lacking. And while I'm doing projects for her friends that she signs me up for, I would hope she would relieve me from the homework I have been doing. I just don't know how to get through to her. I've let it go to the point I wouldn't let people in the door out of pure embarrassment and it never clicked to her that she needs to put the iPad down, turn off the TV and give me a hand. Take pride in our home. I guess ultimately it's my fault for spoiling her, allowing it to go this far. But rather than be a jerk, or fight, I just sick it up and do everything myself. I was in a long term relationship prior to my wife that I learned a lot from, maybe some things I think are for the better are not so great after all. Does anyone else feel they are taken for granted and what have you done to remedy the situation? Any suggestions on ways I can get my wife to realize I can't do it all by myself?


I am answering you from a different perspective than most on here. I am your wife. I have a million wonderful qualities but I have been messy, oblivious, and disorganized from the word go.

I was adopted and my parents were normal - not neat freaks but vacuumed, dusted, did the dishes every night, made me clean my room, etc. I was in the military, for God's sake, where you get inspected. Yet my locker/desk/room/car/house - any horizontal surface I pass by - has been a mess all my life. 

I met my biological father as an adult and it was like me, on steroids. You literally could not walk through his home.

My point - I am wired this way and for me to be tidy is for me to fight my very nature. Other people think - How hard is it to pick up after yourself? But the reality is, I'm not even aware I set something down most of the time.

I am not at all lazy though and I'm more than happy to help. In fact, I do most of the dishes now because my husband's not healthy.

Your wife sounds like she may be like me. So Three things I would recommend:

1. Stop HINTING. My husband will clean the whole house and I don't even notice usually. You need to KINDLY and NON JUDGMENTALLY sit her down and EXPLICITLY TELL her. "I am frustrated and embarrassed by our house and I want your help with keeping it up."

2. Give her specific jobs to do (with her agreement). If she's as naturally disorganized and oblivious as me "clean the house more" is overwhelming and she won't know where to begin. But "Do dishes after dinner before bed" should work. Or "help me with the dishes right now."

3. Don't take it personally. You say she works hard and has a heart of gold. She is probably not lazy. She just doesn't notice clutter. It doesn't bother her. She's not thinking "Oh, he'll pick this up for me." She's just not thinking, period. If you didn't exist, those bags would still be by the door six months from now and she wouldn't have a problem with that.

4. If you can afford it, I would get a house keeper to do a lot of stuff, and then just NICELY ask her to pick her stuff up everytime you see she dropped it. Or pick it up yourself and just remind yourself of how loving she is and that this is not a sign of her lack of love/respect for you. 

Good luck.


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

What was her upbringing like? My husband is useless around the house but I've always pretty much accepted it because his mother did almost everything for him and his dad while he was growing up. And what she didn't do, his dad did. He never had chores, they always happily handed him his allowance without him having to do anything for it.

I'm just starting to realize after almost 16 years of marriage to this man that maybe letting him continue this pattern wasn't a great idea. He takes me for granted and finds fault with most of what I do just like his mother.

4 years of marriage? I'm guessing you must be pretty young. Fix this now, before kids come along. I suggest you point her to Flylady's web site. She might be overwhelmed by the housework and Flylady is good for helping you overcome that feeling. She gives you "housework homework" assignments every day and encourages the idea of doing 15 minutes of deep cleaning each day in one room that needs it most, until the entire house is done. It's actually kind of fun. And it's really helped me to not resent the fact that H never helps out around the house.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> I am answering you from a different perspective than most on here. I am your wife. I have a million wonderful qualities but I have been messy, oblivious, and disorganized from the word go.
> 
> I was adopted and my parents were normal - not neat freaks but vacuumed, dusted, did the dishes every night, made me clean my room, etc. I was in the military, for God's sake, where you get inspected. Yet my locker/desk/room/car/house - any horizontal surface I pass by - has been a mess all my life.
> 
> ...


I think this is really good advice. You have to evaluate the reasons for your wife doing what she's doing: is she perfectly aware and capable and taking advantage of you or is she the kind of person who just doesn't see it and doesn't know what to do about it? There are people like that.

Housework is so easily outsourced that, to me, it's not worth making a huge ruckus over. If your wife is generally lazy, selfish and disrespectful then you should tackle that. But if she's not, and you have a good marriage but she has much lower standards than you do in terms of keeping house, then just outsource it and save yourself the aggravation. Housework in and of itself is just not worth fighting over in the grand scheme of things, unless the problem with it is a symptom of a much larger problem in your relationship.

BTW, I have the same philosophy with typical "male" jobs in the house. My husband can build or fix anything and everything but there are certain jobs that are not his favourite that tend not to get done very quickly. I used to get on his case about them; now I just call a plumber or an electrician or hire a kid down the street to do some heavy lifting or whatever it is. H is busy enough earning a good living; he doesn't need to do every little job around the house any more than he needs to do housework. And why fight about it? If he worked less he'd get this stuff done but we'd have less money. You can't expect people to want to do nothing but work day and night.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I agree with the above...if you are both working full time get a cleaner, and a cook, have both of you pay for it and then after awhile she will see how much money goes out the door when you have others doing things you shoudl be doing...BTW it should come as no surprise that you should not be having kids with this woman, unless your ready to take up breastfeeding.


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## hankthetank81 (Apr 9, 2016)

Wow, thank you all. Sorry, I was out helping my wife's friend. To answer some questions you all have posted, my wife doesn't do this stuff to spite me. She comes from a larger family, parents still married, very clean and tidy home. I came from a clean and tidy home. My wife's apartment was messy, but I didn't go there often. Long unimportant story behind that. I have talked to her mother about it at one time. My guess is that her brother and sisters did a lot of the chores growing up because she just doesn't see things the way others do. She doesn't notice when I dust, vacuum, clean windows, clean bathrooms, cut grass, etc. She does notice when I put little messages on her oil change stickers after servicing the car. She notices when I shave or get a hair cut. Also notices when I get a package from Amazon. 

Now I have sat her down on many occasions telling her I need more help around the house. She and I have ADD, it's easy for us to get distracted and off task. I have to work very hard to stay focused and routine helps me stay on my game. I've even cut off the cable/Internet and act like I'm calling the company to get it fixed just to break her trance from Facebook, pinterest and hgtv. Unfortunately in the 2.5 years we have been home owners she just can't get in a rythm. I've even put up a calendar to help us. Monday vacuum, Tuesday dust, Wednesday bathrooms and laundry, Thursday vacuum, Friday off, Saturday yard, bedrooms, and Sunday kitchen and organize. I ended up just following it to break up the overwhelming load of stuff to do in a 2800 Sq ft house. 

The joke is I am the "everything service." Automotive, electrical, plumbing, painting, carpentry, masonry, if it can be made, repaired or replaced I do it. I just did our kitchen... a $25,000 kitchen for $8000 and the only people who helped were my brother to get cabinets on the wall and the granite guys who made and set the stone counters. We couldn't afford the home we have if I didn't do all the things I'm capable of, we would never afford repair men, mechanics, and contractors. 

As for leaving my wife, I won't be doing that. We're strong in our faith and our love. I don't believe in divorce for I took my wife for better or worse. I just want to find a way to get her to realize I'm not the only one who should care about what needs to be done and keep the house up. 

Kids... no we don't have human kids, we have 2 fur babies. (Dogs) Part of me is glad that we don't have kids. The other part of me wants to be a father, and could use a couple recruits to help me with the chores. Kids create more problems and stress. I could see them being yet another responsibility on my overflowing plate. My wife is really pushing for kids, we're having issues there, not getting into that now either. 

As for me hinting and being subtle, it's because my wife doesn't deal well with being singled out. She doesn't take criticism well. She is delicate. We rarely fight. Our last argument was a few months ago over excessive packages being delivered to me. When I pointed out what I spent and what it was on (parts to repair our cars, formula for the rug shampoo machine, clothes... ) she realized that I wasn't just spending money on myself buying stuff I didn't need, I was shopping for us and necessities, argument over. I guess I'm just afraid that at some point I'm going to have a meltdown. I want to try something new to get her to pay more attention to detail. I have a list of to dos growing by the minute and lucky to cross off 1 a week with all the upkeep. Sometimes I just need to get away and forget about everything to clear my head and recenter. Maybe I need to just find a way to accept that this is what it is, deal with it. 

So in all, I can't afford house cleaners. I probably shouldn't have kids. I need to find a way to be more direct yet not condescending towards her about it. I need to accept this is who she is.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hank, I am going to ask the obligatory guy question. How is your sex life? Don't need details but has it changed versus a few years ago. Maybe what you tolerated a couple years ago is not longer tolerable if the sex has dropped off.

And did you not mention your uneasiness with be signed up to help your wife's friends, and here you are "out helping my wife's friend"? Sounds like you have a set of skills which makes you popular and in demand. Do you feel used by your wife's friends?

Too bad you are not my neighbor. I could use a new kitchen. 

BTW, Fur babies are awesome.


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## hankthetank81 (Apr 9, 2016)

I actually don't mind helping my wife's family and friends. The one I am helping now just got her first place. She lost her dad a few years ago. I lost my dad 13 yes ago. Her dad was a contractor so he would be helping her had he been here today. I was actually bouncing some things off her today. She knows my wife's strengths and weaknesses. She agrees taking it easy on her is better because she does not react well to blunt force. As for my wife and my love life, it's still active. I'd say it's healthy.


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## pineapple (Apr 9, 2016)

Stop hinting and start talking! Have a conversation with her. You have no right being upset that she isn't a mind reader. You sound like my PA husband. Never asks for things. He just makes comments and drops hints. Then he silently stews on it that I don't pick up on it. I do now, but I no longer engage him anymore. Unless he asks, I ignore his hints. 

Anyway... 

Yes, she should know better. But, you're enabling her but not having an adult conversation about it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, you could always leave this thread open on your computer and get your wife to walk by it. But, odds are that she wouldn't even notice it unless you put an Amazon bag on it.

So, your wife notices money spent, does she? Ok, calculate how much a house cleaner and a cook will cost you for the next 30 - 40 years and tell her how much longer she'll have to work to make up for it.

I just don't believe that a person can be blind to crap and clutter all over the house. It seems like they're blind to the personal responsibility part of it.


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## pineapple (Apr 9, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> I just don't believe that a person can be blind to crap and clutter all over the house. It seems like they're blind to the personal responsibility part of it.


:iagree:


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Try having a weekly cleaning party. For one hour on Saturday, you and your wife will clean the house. That morning you make a list of what needs to be done and split it up. Put on some music. Every 15 minutes meet her where she is and dance or make out for five minutes. You seem like a fun loving couple with little other problems. When you are done cleaning, take a shower together then make love in the kitchen on that granite counter top, assuming it is not covered with dishes. Good luck.


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## hankthetank81 (Apr 9, 2016)

We have had conversation on it many times, I gave up on that because it's a constant dead end. I went away the other weekend and told her to please handle the housework while I was gone. I came home to things worse than I left it. I asked her to do the dishes. I end up doing them because I need what's in the sink. Then I get the "I was going to do them" statement. My other favorite is when she leaves the pots and pans for me because they are too hard to scrub. She also would get discouraged because I would rearrange the stuff she puts in the dishwasher. I'd have to show her why.. for example the bowls not angled to be cleaned and drain. She sat them so they would fill with water and not get clean. To me it's common sense.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

hankthetank81 said:


> And while I'm doing projects for her friends that she signs me up for, I would hope she would relieve me from the homework I have been doing.


It's lovely that you help out, but you can use this. Instead of just agreeing to the project, ask for something in return from these friends of hers. Ask them to help you clean your house because your wife won't help you. Either that, or just say, "real sorry, but I have a full plate dealing with our household. Maybe my wife can help you, she's free."

Stop enabling her. Shoes left out? Chuck them straight in the bin. "Oh, I thought they were garbage as you left them lying around instead of putting them away."

You think it's easier to just keep going the way you are going. You don't want to do the hard yards to make things better in your relationship because you're afraid of the arguments. Sometimes arguments are necessary for change. 

When you have kids you will understand. You either take the time to teach them how to do it for themselves, give them consequences when they don't, and follow through, or you end up with monsters, and it's not their fault, it's yours. People are just taller children. Let them act like irresponsible brats, and they absolutely will.

Start investing more time in your relationship and less time cleaning the damn floor.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your plan is to appeal to your wife's sense of fairness (that is, if she can pick up on the various hints & sighs). What you don't understand is that to your wife the present arrangement is fair and works just fine. Why, you have so much time and so enjoy being the donkey, that she sees no reason not to loan you out to her friends. The problem, is that you actually do enjoy helping her friends so rather than say 'no, I've got to clean the gd kitchen because you're too stupid to know how' you merrily go along.

The fact that your wife doesn't respond to blunt force is a manipulation tactic to make sure you always speak to her in soft and pleading whispers so that she can claim that she didn't know you were bothered so she just shined it on.

Make sure to stock up on kitchen gloves and moisturizer because you're going to need them in the years to come.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

hankthetank81 said:


> We have had conversation on it many times, I gave up on that because it's a constant dead end. I went away the other weekend and told her to please handle the housework while I was gone. I came home to things worse than I left it. I asked her to do the dishes. I end up doing them because I need what's in the sink. Then I get the "I was going to do them" statement. My other favorite is when she leaves the pots and pans for me because they are too hard to scrub. She also would get discouraged because I would rearrange the stuff she puts in the dishwasher. I'd have to show her why.. for example the bowls not angled to be cleaned and drain. She sat them so they would fill with water and not get clean. To me it's common sense.


WRONG! Let the dishes come out dirty. Let her figure it out for herself when she goes to empty the dishwasher and the bowls are full of dirty water. Leave the pots and pans and ask her to figure it out. Or if you're the one cooking and the pots and pans have food baked on them so they're hard to clean, start learning how to clean them immediately rather than leaving them to become a nightmare later.

Don't correct her when she doesn't do it your way. People learn through their own mistakes. Let her learn.

Don't make it optional for her to help you clean up after dinner. Hound her until she gets her arse out to the kitchen. If you're getting frustrated and peeved off because she refuses to budge, then let her know. Ask her if she thinks it's fair. Does she think you are her housemaid and WTF does she get off acting like a spoilt brat expecting other people to do everything for her.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

BTW, I know how you feel and I now make sure DH helps me clean the kitchen. I don't care how narky he gets at being asked to do it; not my problem.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I always thought it was standard practice that if one person cooks the other automatically has cleanup duty. Never had a problem with my husband. If he finished eating before me, he'd tell me to take my time and he was in the kitchen cleaning.

It's a partnership.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> I always thought it was standard practice that if one person cooks the other automatically has cleanup duty. Never had a problem with my husband. If he finished eating before me, he'd tell me to take my time and he was in the kitchen cleaning.
> 
> It's a partnership.


That's awesome Blondi, but I think for some people it has to be forced until it becomes a habit. First forced upon them, until they learn it's easier to just force themselves to avoid the consequences of not doing it.

My DH didn't have to clean dishes when he was a kid. I was expected to always help out. It has been an uphill battle for him to develop these habits as an adult.


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## pineapple (Apr 9, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> I always thought it was standard practice that if one person cooks the other automatically has cleanup duty. Never had a problem with my husband. If he finished eating before me, he'd tell me to take my time and he was in the kitchen cleaning.
> 
> It's a partnership.


It definitely should be teamwork and a partnership. My H only helps when we have guests or he knows he's in the dog house. Otherwise, he feels it's my job to cook and clean up and to also clean up after him if he cooks (usually just breakfast).


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

She sounds like a princess. She does what you allow her to do, especially if there are no consequences. 

Does she use ADD as an excuse to not do things she doesn't want to do? Does she take any medication for her ADD?

You have only been in this marriage for a few short years and you are complaining and resentful about her attitude. If she is unwilling to change I don't hold out a lot of hope for you. You will wind up old and bitter. 

You also have a lot of "nice guy" traits and seem to take too much onto your plate.

Read No More Mister Nice Guy and learn to say no. Free read at https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## hankthetank81 (Apr 9, 2016)

Watching my grandparents that's how it was. They did things together. One would wash and the other would dry. Grand mom dusted while grandpa ran the vacuum. My parents, my mother did a lot. She had the big job, she cooked, cleaned, dad handled the maintenance, outside, dishes. I never realized how much she did until I moved out my first time. The relationship I was in that time was totally wrong on so many levels... I swore after that I would never cook, clean, and fall victim of the sucker again. But also I set some other boundaries that were more important. Finding someone who believes in love. Finding someone who would make a great mother. Someone strong in faith. Someone who doesn't spite me. Someone who is loyal and trustworthy. So my wife may not be perfect, in many ways I'm not either. I just don't want to get 10 years in and look back thinking I should have handled the situation sooner. I don't want to regret having kids... if we are ever able to have them. I guess I just want to find a way to communicate with her and share the responsibility before it gets too late


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hank you are right to be trying to resolve this issue now, before resentment builds. I'm also happy to read that you won't divorce your wife over this. I think that ending a marriage over this would be insane.

I could also be your wife. My husband has high standards and I sometimes just don't see things the way he does. I kick off my shoes at the bottom of the stairs before going up to bed each night, or I'll come in with some bags of shopping and pop them by the front door to take upstairs later. Sometimes I forget and they stay there for a couple of days. Big deal. Hubby does things too that to me are a big deal, but not to him. I really don't think either of us do it to deliberately irritate the other, it's just our nature. 

On the flip side, I am a loving, devoted wife and stepmum, and he and our girl are everything to me. I will always be there for both of them, no matter what and love them with all my heart.

Swings and roundabouts my friend, that's what life is all about.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hankthetank81 said:


> We have had conversation on it many times, I gave up on that because it's a constant dead end. I went away the other weekend and told her to please handle the housework while I was gone. I came home to things worse than I left it. I asked her to do the dishes. I end up doing them because I need what's in the sink. Then I get the "I was going to do them" statement. My other favorite is when she leaves the pots and pans for me because they are too hard to scrub. She also would get discouraged because I would rearrange the stuff she puts in the dishwasher. I'd have to show her why.. for example the bowls not angled to be cleaned and drain. She sat them so they would fill with water and not get clean. To me it's common sense.


BTDT. The only way to deal with this is to ensure that HER stuff, HER mess, doesn't obstruct your life and your happiness. For instance, when my H refused to help me with the chores, I just decided to stop washing his clothes. I did everything else, just not his clothes. Up to him to take care of that.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

hankthetank81 said:


> ...My guess is that her brother and sisters did a lot of the chores growing up because she just doesn't see things the way others do. She doesn't notice when I dust, vacuum, clean windows, clean bathrooms, cut grass, etc. ...


I was raised in a neat house doing chores (dishes, vacuuming, etc.) all the time, nobody did anything for me and I was directed to "clean up" all the time. Yet I don't see things the way others do. My husband will clean the entire house and then be all hurt when I don't even realize it.



hankthetank81 said:


> I just want to find a way to get her to realize I'm not the only one who should care about what needs to be done and keep the house up.
> 
> As for me hinting and being subtle, it's because my wife doesn't deal well with being singled out. She doesn't take criticism well. She is delicate.


This may be at the heart of the problem right here. You love your wife but you are *judging *her and she feels it in the criticism. She "should" care. Really? Why? You want the house neat. She doesn't care (remember, her apartment was messy). You are saying that you are superior and she is inferior because she doesn't "care" about something.

My husband had some meltdowns over my messiness a few times and all it did was polarize me and make me feel inadequate and temporary hatred toward him. I remember him telling me once how humiliated and disgusted he was driving my "filthy" car. My thought was not "oh you poor dear." My thought was F. U. A. Hole. Or I would take the trash out and forget to put a new bag in the trash. And he'd get mad at me like I was some rude imbecile. (So I stopped taking the trash out...)

The approach that has worked with me though is understanding that it means a lot to him to have a neat home. When I feel loving toward him, I still couldn't care less about the state of the house, but it's a nice, loving gift that I can give him to clean up for him. When I don't feel judged, criticized and berated, I want to do that for him.

We are also very open about the fact that I'm a hopeless slob. Once I started to embrace it - I am what I am - we were able to address it. Now it's just an amusing little quirk of mine. *But I couldn't embrace it until I no longer felt judged/criticized for it*.

The other day I walked through the kitchen and apparently left about 5 things scattered about in my wake and he went in there and said "It's like a sweet, beautiful little tornado just swept through here!"

I was curious since all I remembered doing was something like getting a glass of water... So I went to investigate and he showed me everything. But it was all humorous, it was us laughing at me being me, and I gladly scurried to pick everything up for him.

Had he irritably said "would you *please *clean up after yourself" I would have just felt that hopeless embarrassment I've felt all my life. "Great, what have I done now?" Then gotten defensive.

SO if there is any way that you can get your wife to embrace the fact that she is the hot little mess that she is and you'd love to be able to point her toward certain tasks without it ever being about her "being naughty and not doing her chores like she should" you may get a lot further.

The schedule is great and I would try to get her buy in on it. "This is really important to me. Will you do this cleaning if I do that cleaning?" "How would you feel about me reminding you when you're preoccupied?" "Are you willing to agree that we do XYZ on Saturday during these hours? Or before Facebook? And if I remind you, I'm not mad at all, I know I'm the one who wants this more, I just really want to feel like we're a team on this."

And then just know that for the next 6 weeks (or 16 years) you may have to prod her, but when you do, be very careful to have zero "you should want this too" or "you forgot again" attitude/tone.

"How would you feel about folding laundry right now while I sweep the sidewalk, and then maybe watch a show/go out for a drive/whatever you like?"

*The one thing that would concern/piss me off is that she's addicted to her computer/facebook. *When we get engrossed in those things, we tune out our spouse and we feel irritated when they disrupt us. (I've read articles and experienced it...) You may have to address that too. *Also in a non judgmental way*. "I'm really feeling lonely even when you're here sometimes. Would you be willing to designate certain times only for FB? Would you be willing to get out of the house with me, no phones for awhile...?, etc."

It's tricky because people really are getting ADDICTED to social media. (For example, right now I'm supposed to be working...)

Bottom line - building some good will where you're getting her buy in and she wants to make you happy and knows specifically what simple one thing she can do right now that you would love and appreciate might help. Without good will - expect resistance and frustration.


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## Skeet Cliff Huxtable (Mar 31, 2016)

Have you talked to her mother?

I'm sorry but a woman that can't cook, clean, or is a slob and can't maintain some semblance of order is just not worthy of being a wife. I suspect it has a lot to do with how they were raised and living in a generation where chores, cleanliness weren't taught and expected.

What's up with these new age women that don't take pride in basic house duties and a clean home? Coming home getting on Facebook with cheetos stained fingers and residue left on the keyboards, nasty dishes, roaches and and ants everywhere. Dirty pee stained toilets, dirty skid marked underwear left all over the house, with two nasty, dirt disseminating dogs and not doing anything about it it isn't going to cut it.

I would let it pile up, take pictures and video then show all her family members and church members just how filthy and a slob your wife is. A woman that keeps her place nasty doesn't keep her body clean.

What's with these young women not being able to clean and cook? 

Where have the super moms gone? You used to could easily find a woman that worked 10 hours a day, had the house clean, dishes washed, floors swept, with dinner ready on the table with NO complaints. And these women loved it and did it with pride with no expectation of admiration or appreciation. Seems like they're becoming extinct.

What's up with your wife not taking criticism well? What does she do? Tell her lazy azz to get off Facebook and clean the house. She has no problems inquiring about your Amazon purchases.

Subtle hints won't cut it. You'll need a couple brouhaha's over this to settle this matter or you will blow a gasket. Stop doing everything for her. Clean up and cook after yourself only, till she gets the point. No kids until she can become a halfway decent orderly human being. Maybe ought to get rid of the dogs too.

Not sure how you put up with it. Sounds very frustrating.


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## hankthetank81 (Apr 9, 2016)

Working Wife and Skeet Cliff are polar oppisites, lol! 

Working Wife, thank you for pointing out that I need to work on how I come off about this issue. Now that you mention it, I probably do come off that way. I need to build her confidence, not break down her walls. I'm going to try your suggestions and see where it leads.

Skeet Cliff... well... the lack of super women is where I evolved from I guess. My mother was super mom, then got burned out and took a job 6 states away for a few years. She then came home after her point was made, which was she couldn't do everything and needed us all to pitch in. She felt under appreciated, sad thing is she was. I can really understand now first hand how she felt, and I have apologized to her. As for my dogs, I love them to death. One is snuggled on me right now. I believe there is a way to resolve this without blowing up or walking away. If I use embarrassment I'm also embarrassing myself. That's not the direction I want to go. Thank you for what you have said, I know that people can agree that there is an issue to be resolved.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Ugh, can someone get rid of Skeet Cliff Huxtable offensive and disgraceful post? WTF is wrong with our society that women still have to put up with this SH1T!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Skeet Cliff Huxtable said:


> I would let it pile up, take pictures and video then show all her family members and church members just how filthy and a slob your wife is.


Sounds like the Exposure technique advocated by CWI.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

hankthetank81 said:


> But also I set some other boundaries that were more important. Finding someone who believes in love. Finding someone who would make a great mother. Someone strong in faith. Someone who doesn't spite me. Someone who is loyal and trustworthy. So my wife may not be perfect, in many ways I'm not either.


Priorities.

I am tidier than my husband, but there are many people tidier than I am. I am not nearly as kind and intelligent as he is. 

Many problems worse than a lack of tidiness. Compromise and ongoing forgiveness are very helpful in marriage.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

I was in your shoes not too long ago actually. My ex-husband was very lazy when I met him and he had zero pride for our house either. Here's what happened. I also worked full time, did the cleaning, did the cooking, ferried the children around, fed the dog, helped the children with homework, bathed them and put them to bed every night. He also had a full time job and his only other job involved mowing the grass. That was it. As soon as he walked in the door he would dump his work crap everywhere and sit on his laptop or iPad for the entire night. I worked so hard I became ill, was hospitalised actually and the resentment set in for good. I was so busy looking after him and everyone else that I forgot about myself. Some nights he would say he was working late but because he wasn't helping at home with anything he had plenty of time to cheat on me. 

Edited to add that my ex-husbands mother did everything for him. He grew up not having to do one chore! I on the other hand had to help my mother with chores and it was the same story when I was at boarding school. The first time I went to his apartment I couldn't find a glass to use and low and behold he was hiding all his dirty dishes in his oven!

Haven't read all the replies but I would suggest talking to her very seriously about your concerns. Tell her you are afraid that resentment will set in and that doing the lion's share when you both live under the same roof is going to bring many problems. If necessary have a 'his' and 'her' list of things to do and put it on the fridge. Rather that dictate to her what must be done, come up with a list together. Hope you sort it out!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

hankthetank81 said:


> Working Wife and Skeet Cliff are polar oppisites, lol!


Ha hahaha. I just read his post. I'm an awesome cook though and I swear there are no skid stained underwear lying all over the house. Though my bras do show up in the damndest places after a hard day of work outside the house and like you my H loves the shedding dogs as much as me. I just don't care if they get on the sheets near me where he does care...

It's very natural that you would unconsciously have an attitude that she SHOULD care and that you're right and she's wrong. I'm sure 90% of the population feels that way. Even I, as a slob, *know* it's inconsiderate to leave stuff laying around (and that people like Skeet think I should be committed).

But my messiness is a weakness of mine that I've tried and been unable to overcome. And all the time that my H approached me with judgmental attitude definitely just made me feel defensive and belligerent.

He has it better than you though, because I don't notice his myriad Amazon boxes either. He jokes that he could buy a new car and drive me around in it and I wouldn't notice for weeks and he's probably right.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Skeet Cliff Huxtable said:


> Have you talked to her mother?
> 
> I'm sorry but a woman that can't cook, clean, or is a slob and can't maintain some semblance of order is just not worthy of being a wife. I suspect it has a lot to do with how they were raised and living in a generation where chores, cleanliness weren't taught and expected.
> 
> ...


I find your post "funny". You are saying basically that a woman should do what the OP is doing.. working for a living and working her a$$ off to keep the home clean, cook, etc. And she should be happy while doing it... so basically a woman should be a super woman and do everything. So if a woman should do this, what's wrong with a man doing it? If a woman should not complain if all the work in dumped on her, why it is ok for a man to complain when it's all dumped on him?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I commented to my H this morning that our neighbor's house is probably worth more than ours because he's always working on stuff around his house to fix it, keep it nice. While my H does almost nothing. Silly me, I thought it would motivate him. Instead he went and spent the last 5 hours redoing the yardwork I've been working on, to get it 'right.' 

His mom was living with him when I moved in, 36 years ago. When she moved out a few years later, the whole house fell apart. I didn't realize she'd been going around behind him picking up after him. He's never done a chore in his life. And it shows.


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## Skeet Cliff Huxtable (Mar 31, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I find your post "funny". You are saying basically that a woman should do what the OP is doing.. working for a living and working her a$$ off to keep the home clean, cook, etc. And she should be happy while doing it... so basically a woman should be a super woman and do everything. So if a woman should do this, what's wrong with a man doing it? If a woman should not complain if all the work in dumped on her, why it is ok for a man to complain when it's all dumped on him?


Yeah, there's nothing wrong with a woman working, cleaning and cooking while being happy. "Should" she do it? That's up to her. If she is married, it would help to know the basics.

"Should" a woman be superwoman? If she decides to put on a costume. Yeah go for it.

"Should she do everything"? If she wants. If ALL the work is dumped on her, does she have a right to complain? Yes.

Nothing wrong with being a Super dad either.

If the man or woman can't clean up behind themselves or is a slob, doesn't know how to cook on a basic level then they're liabilities in a marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Skeet Cliff Huxtable said:


> Yeah, there's nothing wrong with a woman working, cleaning and cooking while being happy. "Should" she do it? That's up to her. If she is married, it would help to know the basics.
> 
> "Should" a woman be superwoman? If she decides to put on a costume. Yeah go for it.
> 
> ...


That last sentence was not what your point was in the post of yours that I quoted. You took the chance to post an attack against women in general who are not like the example you gave.. you know work 10 hours a day at a job then take care of everything at home and the children... as though any woman who does anything less is not worth a hill of beans.

You will find your time here on TAM goes a lot better if you don't use it to make sexist slams against women in general.

Let this serve as a warning. (I'm speaking as a mod here.)


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Skeet Cliff Huxtable said:


> It wasn't an "attack" on women, that's your interpretation. It was an observation highlighted by the different qualities by comparison to generation. Meaning I praised the Supermoms, that were well rounded and illuminated that fact there was a golden age of women that cooked, cleaned, worked and took care of the kids with absolutely no problems. There was _no_ attack of women in general. That's factually wrong. It was essentially a "back in my day argument". Praising one group while observing another group in the skills that they lack. I first spoke on the "New age" women and lacking the basics that their mothers had. Then I delved into inquiring about where the supermoms have gone.
> 
> My overall driving point was about the basics of maintaining order within a household.
> 
> ...


Superwomen who did everything are gone for good reason. And if you think what you posted was not a sexist slam, then I feel bad for your wife. Well, I feel bad for her anyway.

Back in my parent's day, Superwoman did not have to work outside the home while taking care of everything in the home.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

hankthetank81 said:


> She also would get discouraged because I would rearrange the stuff she puts in the dishwasher. I'd have to show her why.. for example the bowls not angled to be cleaned and drain. She sat them so they would fill with water and not get clean. To me it's common sense.


How often does this scenario happen? Where she does some chore but it doesn't meet spec so you go behind her to fix what she's done wrong? That happen often with other chores, or just once with the dishes?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Rowan said:


> How often does this scenario happen? Where she does some chore but it doesn't meet spec so you go behind her to fix what she's done wrong? That happen often with other chores, or just once with the dishes?


I always have to rearrange the dishes in the dishwasher after my wife loads it. I am smart enough to say nothing about it to her and I appreciate that she emptied the sink. I have no resentment. The list of things I do wrong is longer than the list of things she does wrong.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I have to say that I'm impressed that so many men know how to load a dishwasher. I was just glad that my husband knew where it was.


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## DDudley14 (Apr 12, 2016)

Hi hank,
May I ask how life was like for your wife when she lived with her parents? Honestly, your wife sounds a lot like me. I had an OCD and perfectionist mother, it didn't matter that I did the dishes or the vacuuming the same way she did, I was always berated to no end because I didn't do it "right." 

Fast forward to the first few years of marriage....H and I would constantly be in fights over our messy house was. One thing that didn't help was him going behind me and correcting the way I loaded the dishwasher. It took a few years of repeating and explaining that telling me what I did wrong doesn't help either one of us. He'd be upset that it wasn't done "right", while I would say "forget it." Why do it at all if you are going to come behind me and "correct" it. You do it then. 

We actually have worked out a compromise on the chores here now. I usually cook, so he cleans. I find that while cooking, if I simply rinse the pots with the sink sprayer with HOT water right after cooking, it saves us both a headache. 

With the dishwasher, he is more picky about loading, so he does it. I unload and rinse any dishes I dirty during the day with hot water and stack them next to the sink, less clutter that way. We each do our own laundry. Last year we invested in an roomba vacuum by iRobot. Best investment we ever made, I hate vacuuming. We have 2 huskies, it works like a charm on pet hair. It also helps that H and I tackle mutual chores as a team, if I'm cooking, he will put on some music and come into the kitchen and start rinsing dishes to help me. If there aren't any, he stays and talks to me rather than going and doing his own thing. I work better with him when we work shoulder to shoulder as a team.

Is your wife crafty or does she have a hobby? I ask because it might help if you let her have one room(bedroom) in the house that is hers. It can be as junky as she wants, but the junk stays in that room so you can easily shut the door if company comes over. Ask her to make sure if food goes in that room that it comes out. 

Lastly, you mentioned that your wife wants children soon. I would sit her down and have a frank but not critical conversation about it. Use "we" statements. Tell her I want children like you do, but how can we care for them if we can't care for our own home with just the 2 of us in it? 

P.S. About the ipad/facebook thing. I think you 2 should discuss that as well. We decided it was best for us to put the phones/tablets down at dinner and not pick them up again for 2 hours. We eat and watch TV together or play a game. At 9pm we can plug in again if we choose to. At 10pm we head to bed at the same time. It helps keep us from staying up too late on social media. 

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Terrible!


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## hankthetank81 (Apr 9, 2016)

Sorry for my delay, I have taken all of your advice and tried to devise a plan of attack. 

As for the question if my wife have a room for her to clutter, yes. The would be nursery is her "office" and is... well... yeah... I don't know what it is but it's her space. 

During the delay since my last comment I have been battling a serious infection and some other bad news from a doctor so my original issue has been the least of my worries. 

I have taken all of your advice and we have made some progress. She has been helping me a little more. Basically the engine is cranking and sputtering. Give it time hopefully it starts and runs.

I would like to thank you all for your input. While some of you made me feel that my gripe is legitimate, others have opened mind to things I may be doing wrong that contribute to the situation. Some of you gave me good tools to use to help repair the situation. I know it won't fix itself and it won't be fixed overnight. 

Being able to vent here also helped release the tensions in a productive matter rather than take out my frustrations in a irrational manner. 

Thank you all again.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> If you are both working full time, honestly the best solution is to hire someone to clean the house weekly or however often you need to. It's really not that expensive and will give you time to enjoy more of life.


I have the same problem the OP has, that no one in the family cleans or picks up the house . The kids see that my wife doesn't do a damn bit of housework and assumes by watching her the same applies to them. I have neither the time nor the energy to do it all myself after coming home from a very high stress job. I've given up trying to get anyone else to pitch in. Do you know how expensive would it be to have someone clean the house? I've always thought it would be very expensive.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> I have the same problem the OP has, that no one in the family cleans or picks up the house . The kids see that my wife doesn't do a damn bit of housework and assumes by watching her the same applies to them. Do you know how expensive would it be to have someone clean the house? I've always thought it would be very expensive.


I was surprised to find out that it's not very expensive at all. It will vary from town to town and also depends on the size of the house so it's no good me telling you what I pay. But its actually a pittance, IME.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> I was surprised to find out that it's not very expensive at all. It will vary from town to town and also depends on the size of the house so it's no good me telling you what I pay. But its actually a pittance, IME.


I'm going to look into this. Thanks for your suggestion, this would never have occured to me otherwise.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> I'm going to look into this. Thanks for your suggestion, this would never have occured to me otherwise.


You're welcome. It didn't occur to me until someone I know mentioned that she'd hired someone. After I hired a great cleaner, a bunch of my friends did the same; they had never thought of it before because they had assumed it would be too expensive too. It was a revelation to us all.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> I have the same problem the OP has, that no one in the family cleans or picks up the house . The kids see that my wife doesn't do a damn bit of housework and assumes by watching her the same applies to them. I have neither the time nor the energy to do it all myself after coming home from a very high stress job. I've given up trying to get anyone else to pitch in. Do you know how expensive would it be to have someone clean the house? I've always thought it would be very expensive.


I guess I find this to be really too bad. Hiring someone is fine, but having one's own lack of discipline and responsibility make it such that children cannot learn it themselves is tough to swallow. 

My husband has been doing a lot of housework in his unemployment (not as much as I did when I was home IMO... but it is what it is). This will change when he goes back to work next week. Kids know they have to step it up a bit again. They get it and are all on board. The thing I like most is that THEY are getting prepared to face life. 

These issues can be so sticky. You cannot make a big hairy deal out of everything...


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

OliviaG said:


> You're welcome. It didn't occur to me until someone I know mentioned that she'd hired someone. After I hired a great cleaner, a bunch of my friends did the same; they had never thought of it before because they had assumed it would be too expensive too. It was a revelation to us all.


Yup, we have had someone come to clean our house for a long time (even before I got married my parents had someone come). Not very expensive, and even so we still run around daily trying to clean up after the little monsters 

So yes, hire housecleaner, and if feeling ambitious, hire a DJ as well :grin2:


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Yup, we have had someone come to clean our house for a long time (even before I got married my parents had someone come). Not very expensive, and even so we still run around daily trying to clean up after the little monsters
> 
> So yes, hire housecleaner, and if feeling ambitious, hire a DJ as well :grin2:


Actually we did have a CLEANER come once upon a time. You know what I loved about it? It forced everyone to TIDY first. Like external discipline instead of internal.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> Actually we did have a CLEANER come once upon a time. You know what I loved about it? It forced everyone to TIDY first. Like external discipline instead of internal.


Sometimes I scratch my head at this, my W scrambling around cleaning ... so the house can be clean for the house cleaner lol.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Sometimes I scratch my head at this, my W scrambling around cleaning ... so the house can be clean for the house cleaner lol.


We never cleaned the house for the cleaner. The cleaner did the bathrooms, the dusting, the floors... We put away laundry from the kitchen table, put shoes in closets, removed clutter to where the hell it should have been put in the first place... that sort of thing. The cleaner would have had no idea where to put our stuff.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> We never cleaned the house for the cleaner. The cleaner did the bathrooms, the dusting, the floors... We put away laundry from the kitchen table, put shoes in closets, removed clutter to where the hell it should have been put in the first place... that sort of thing. The cleaner would have had no idea where to put our stuff.


Yeah same here, no need having the cleaner folding my he-man underwear (if I get questioned I just say they are my son's anyhow  ). Just need them to clean all the surfaces (dust, vacuum, etc...)


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OliviaG said:


> I was surprised to find out that it's not very expensive at all. It will vary from town to town and also depends on the size of the house so it's no good me telling you what I pay. But its actually a pittance, IME.


This is true, but the problem is not cleanliness as much as clutter.

Housekeepers are really only good in that situation if you are okay with never finding the stuff again.

 

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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

jld said:


> Sounds like the Exposure technique advocated by CWI.


You mean advocated by Dr. Harley.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> This is true, but the problem is not cleanliness as much as clutter.
> 
> Housekeepers are really only good in that situation if you are okay with never finding the stuff again.
> 
> ...


This is an added bonus; they teach the lazy clutterers a lesson, and it's good when an outside party can teach the lesson and the spouse stays out of the fray on the issue.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I guess I find this to be really too bad. Hiring someone is fine, but having one's own lack of discipline and responsibility make it such that children cannot learn it themselves is tough to swallow.
> 
> My husband has been doing a lot of housework in his unemployment (not as much as I did when I was home IMO... but it is what it is). This will change when he goes back to work next week. Kids know they have to step it up a bit again. They get it and are all on board. The thing I like most is that THEY are getting prepared to face life.
> 
> These issues can be so sticky. You cannot make a big hairy deal out of everything...


Congrats to your H on his new job!

The one thing that I really struggle with in this situation is the lack of discipline and the I don't give rats ___ attitude of both my kids and my wife. A messy, dirty, disorganised home reflects badly on it's owners and it drives me utterly out of my mind. I wish there was another way. Hiring someone to clean makes me an enabler I know, but I just can't stand living in a filthy home any more.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Congrats to your H on his new job!
> 
> The one thing that I really struggle with in this situation is the lack of discipline and the I don't give rats ___ attitude of both my kids and my wife.


I am a bit of a hard ass Mom (in the nicest possible way). DH used to be like this. I did not allow the kids to be like this. That said, back then we were home all day. Wound up sort of guilting him into changing his ****.



> A messy, dirty, disorganised home reflects badly on it's owners and it drives me utterly out of my mind. I wish there was another way. Hiring someone to clean makes me an enabler I know, but I just can't stand living in a filthy home any more.


I hear you. There are things you can do, and things you can't.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Reading this was almost like deja vu. I was the wife that you are explaining, at one point.

Much like you, my XH let it go on too long. However, I didn't leave my stuff everywhere and all those things, and the difference with you and my XH was that my XH just wanted it all done on his time, and not when I wanted to do it. For instance, we would both cook (no kids) and after a long day, I would just say "can I just do the dishes tomorrow when I get home with work, i'm exhausted" and he would get upset and just do them himself.

I also have a guy friend who is married and is going through the same thing you are, plus he doesn't ever get sex PLUS they are having their first baby. 

Even if your wife is delicate, she WILL NOT change, unless you give her a reason to change. You are allowing her to behave this way. Unfortunately for you, you are going to have to stop doing the things that she won't do. Stop picking up after her, stop cleaning up her messes, and stop allowing her to behave this way. If she wants to act like a child, treat her like one. 

I completely admire your thought on not leaving her because of these issues, and that is absolutely fantastic of you, HOWEVER, you have been married for a short time and this feeling you have will not last forever. Eventually resentment will fill you up and start overtaking the "but I said for better or worse" because NO ONE, no matter how much faith you have, likes to feel used.

I, too, did not do those things in spite of my husband. I just didn't realize what was happening necessarily, even if he told me once and a while. It took a hard look at what was going on for me to see that.

Also, for those people suggesting to hire out, this should not have to happen. 2 grown adults who work full time with no kids should have no issues taking care of their own home, together. To me, if you hire out, that's just insanity.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

I'm kind of in a similar situation except for my wife will cook about 2-4 times a week and fold up clothes. Other than that if I don't clean then the house will be a mess. I cut grass, make kids breakfast(simple stuff), take kids to bus stop and daycare, clean the kitchen, put up clothes, do laundry, clean bathrooms, vaccuum, mop, sweep, deal with the yard, help grocery shop, help cook(sometimes), take the dog out, feed the dog, clean up the dogs messes outside and also work full time while my wife is still looking for something. It is what it is for me but I feel your pain.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@hankthetank81 Hi, 
I didn't see anything mentioned about depression.
After my Dad passed away I became catatonic & zombie like.
My husband had to clean the house etc.
It took me months to recover but thankfully I'm back & cleaning again! 


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