# Dazed and confused.



## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

My husband and I have been married 28 years and have 2 children together. About 6 months ago I could feel something was wrong with him emotionally. He has had several surgeries over the past 6 years. He has been off of work for the past 8 years (however he is on permanent partial disability and has been awarded a large weekly check for the rest of his life). I work full-time. 

Again 6 months ago I started asking him what was wrong and what I could do to help him. All I got was "nothing, it's just me". Found out just recently he told his mom he just wasn't happy. A few months later I asked him if he was having an affair which he denied. I really did and still do believe he was telling the truth then. He seemed very depressed however.

Last month we went out of town to celebrate our anniversary and he told me that he loved me and wanted to spend the next 28 years with me. I discovered accidentally after our trip that he had been calling and texting another woman and it started 2 weeks before our anniversary trip. I hired a private investigator and sure enough found out that he was seeing someone else. I didn't confront him at the time because his sister was in the hospital very ill. 

About a week later I couldn't stand it anymore and confronted him and he admitted he was having an affair. I told him that I was not going to live with a cheater and one of us needed to move out. Well he did. I thought he would move next door to his mother's house but instead he moved from our 2 acre property into an apartment with the girlfriend. I was devasted.

About a week later his sister and an uncle of his passed away. We were both holding his sister's hand when she passed He says that he still loves me, that I am a wonderful wife and mother and that I deserve better than him. He says I know you will be much happier without me. He is willingly giving me money to keep up with the bills, etc. even after I cut off his cell phone and refused to release his number to him. (He really has no obligation as our children are grown).

I am completely at a loss as to what has happened here. It has been a month and other than some of his clothes he hasn't moved anything in with her. His put all his other stuff in storage at his mother's. His mother is completely heart broken and wants him to come home to me and act like a husband but he refuses. His mother thinks that he hadn't gotten caught he would have never left me. When I threatened divorce he only responds with If that's what you want to do. The pain is unbearable. I love him and miss him so much. What is going on with him. He says it is completely over with us. I don't even know what happened. We were best friends, hardly ever fought and have the same interests. He insists he loves me and always will but that he is just unhappy. This emotional roller coaster is killing me.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

There are always two sides to the story. Please understand that I'm not saying you are at fault but people go outside their marriage because something is missing inside their marriage.

And part of the problem is that missing thing is perceived differently by the two parties involved.

Unfortunately he may not realize what he will lose until he sees himself losing it. You need to do the female 180 and plan on moving on without him. You can't drag him back into the marriage or to marriage counseling unless he wants to be there.

If he subsequently changes his mind, you will be in a stronger place to decide rationally whether or not you want him back.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> There are always two sides to the story. Please understand that I'm not saying you are at fault but people go outside their marriage because something is missing inside their marriage.
> 
> And part of the problem is that missing thing is perceived differently by the two parties involved.
> 
> ...


Totally disagree here...people have affairs because they are selfish @ssholes. Not because their spouse wasn't giving them something they "needed".


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I agree with lisa and I think that old saying needs to be updated, 

people cross the lines because they are missing something within "themselves" ....you can't possibly put that burden on the marriage. 

We don't go looking for new family members because Aunt Bertha doesn't make us happy, or Uncle George isn't "completing" us anymore.... family relationships don't have that expectation so why does society put that burden on romantic ones? 

I think infidelity has to be connected to personal unhappiness and not the mistaken notion that the romantic partner must be to blame right?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

He had his chances to wake up from his fog when you first confrinted him. He chose to throw away a 28 year marriage.

I think he realized that the other side greenery was unfounded and trying to get back.

Since you are in emotional roller coaster, dont decide anything in haste now.

Wait


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I agree with Lisa and daggerheart on this. You simply cannot put the responsibility for your happiness on the shoulders of another human being. He did not break his vows and leave you because you did or didn't do something. You did not make him lie, deceive you and your family and move in with another woman. Do NOT blame yourself. There are always problems in marriages. But ther are always more than one way to handle those problems. You can confront them head on, or avoid them and lie to your spouse. Apparently, your H chose the later.

What do you want? Do you want him back? If so, tell me there will be some ground rules for a meaningful R. And he may not have the inner strenght to do that. He hasn't shown the strength yet. Go see an attorney and a MD (you need to be tested, and discuss with your doctor about possibly depression). This doesn't mean you are filing for D or even separation. But you need to find out where you stand. Is he depressed?
My STBXH decided he rather have multiple OW than stay in our 27 year marriage. I sincerely hope your H makes a smarter decision. At this stage of my life I never thought I'd be dealing with this crap. This is horrible to go through, but you can end up stronger.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

Thanks for all the feedback. We have been fighting a lot lately. He sent me a text message on Monday that said: Have u filed for divorce or do I need to? I didn't respond. Tuesday after he tried to call me and i wouldn't answer, he left a voicemail that said "Hey you need to let me know if u have filed, if u aren't going to let me know and I will do it tomorrow morning.". I did not respond. Yesterday he sent me a text that said "You need to let me know if u have filed.". Not only did I ignore him, I immediately blocked him number. Late yesterday evening when I was driving home, I passed him on the street before our home (He was coming from his mother's who lives next door.) When he saw my car he slowed way down and then put on his brakes. I kept the same speed and went home without stopping. Not sure if he tried to call because I blocked his phone. 

So, this morning I unblocked his phone and sent him a text that said "I am throwing up the white flag. I will give u your divorce but please quit being so mean to me and the kids. Insurance is coming due, did u get your own so I can drop u?". He responded "Do you want to get togeather and talk? If u do then call me". 

So I called him and we are supposed to talk tonight. I just can't figure out if it's about splitting up for good or if he has come to his senses. I am trying not to get my hopes up and will be expecting the worse. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The only thing that matter tonite is one simple fact will or will he not stop all contact with OW end of story.

This simple fact is the #1 issue,cuz until OW is completely out of the picture then R doesn't have a chance.

Once WH can go NC and its confirmed then you guys can start talking about the heavy lifting he needs to do to affair proof the marriage.

All the other things really won't matter.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Your husband is correct...you do deserve better than him. It appears he made his choice by moving in with the other woman. He would have left you eventually, better sooner than later imo.

Please do not accept less than what you deserve from him. You will never be happy again if you do.

My best to you. *hugs*


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

Here's an update. Husband is still living with other woman. When I meet with him on 8/16 I served him with the Petition for Divorce and Waiver. The Waiver has to be signed before a notary. He said he will get it done and return it to me. He has been over 3 times in the last month to bring me money but still didn't return the papers. Since I don't know where he is living I can't have him served directly. Lord knows I don't want a divorce but I won't let him walk all over me either. 

Our auto insurance was up for renewal on the 28th of last month so I called and had insurance co take WH off the policy. Well wouldn't u know it that because now that we are separated we are considered "unstable" by the insurance co (their words) and so my policy which has me, our 25 yr old D and 22 yr old S on it went up $225.00 and WH's went up $132.00. What a crock of stuff!! So about a week after I changed the policy my WH sent me a text that said "Why don't we all get our policy together in Trinity." (This is where our lake house is.). What?? Like I want to deal with insurance again! 

Here is what has really been bothering me and I know I can't change it but want to vent anyway. Since we have been separated (65 days) he has only spoken with our grown children twice. The last time was almost a month ago (they both live with me). Our son told WH a little over 3 weeks ago that as long as he was living with OW he didn't want or need anything from him. I know this hurt my husband. I spoke to my WH twice about not keeping in touch with his children and asked him to make an effort to stay in touch. I told him that although son was hurt he loves him and needs to know he is loved back. So last week (for the second time) I reminded WH that the kids haven't heard from him. I even repeated a comment my son made "Well I guess Dad has thrown us away too." I told WS that I wasn't telling him this to hurt him but thought he should know how son was feeling. WS's response was "OK, you don't have to keep harping on it". This was only the 2nd time I have ever mentioned it and certainly didn't think i was harping Well, guess what, they still have not heard from him. Doesn't he even love his children?? 

I have been trying to do 180 with him and only contact or respond to him when necessary. So on Friday I am headed out of town when he sent me a text that said "Hey! Can I bring you a check tomorrow and talk about the insurance with you? I am not feeling well today." (the funny thing is, he never uses punctuation when texting until this text) 
So I called him and said "Well I am actually on my way out of town with a friend so I won't be home tomorrow." His whole attitude changed at this point and he started being rude. Of course I let him get to me and asked him if he has signed the divorce papers yet. He responded Yes, do u want me to bring them to u, to which I again repeated I am out of town. At the end of the conversation he said well call me when u get back in town and I will bring u the check and the papers and we can discuss the insurance. Well I am back but have decided not to call him. Although I am happy he wants to help with the bills I have decided I will not contact him. I will just learn to make it on my own. If he can't even see it to communicate with his kids, then he doesn't need to support them in my opinion. Am I way off base here?? What the he_ _ could he be thinking????


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> He says that he still loves me, that I am a wonderful wife and mother and that I deserve better than him. He says I know you will be much happier without me.


He is following the cheater's script to the letter.

It's also known as the affair fog.

Sorry you are in this situation.

And it is NOT your fault. Really. It is not your fault.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> There are always two sides to the story. Please understand that I'm not saying you are at fault but people go outside their marriage because something is missing inside their marriage.


That's wrong on so many levels! 

A lot of people cheat because they are broken. It often has nowt to do with their poor faithful spouse.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Who the hell is this OW and what kind of influence does she have?

Besides that your ex lod man needs to feel the consequences so stay the course and stay dark.

Any furthure contact by you will be precieved that him buying you off is working. No matter how hard stop taking the dough. 

Until OW is out of the picture you want nothing from him. IMHO.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Your husband lost my sympathy when he told you that you deserve better than him. Why would he say it after getting caught.
Your reaction was very normal.

There's no cure to the emototional roller-coaster, this thing is so vicious that it makes the anger and depression creep back right when you thought that everything is getting ok.

Nothing of his medical and family background excuse what he did. I suggest that you try to work on 180. It means that you need to reduce the communication to the strictest minimum and focus on yourself and what makes you happy.

Don't give in to the anger but don't suppress it at all. Scream, cry, smash stuff but don't use the anger as a state of mind to cope with what happened.
I can't begin to imagine how it feels to have a dday after the celebration of 28 years of marriage.


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