# Reserving your Sexual Energy for within the marriage



## iloveairplanes (Jun 21, 2012)

Hey all, A topic came up during a discussion and there was quite a difference of opinion so I thought I would bring it up.

If one spouse is feeling neglected sexually - then is it considered cheating if the other spouse expresses himself/herself sexually by themselves?

Example: man has communicated that he would like to have more sex, woman is too shut-down or not attracted to her husband and instead of working hard on the relationship - masturbates when her husband isn't home.

Of course this could be reversed - woman is desiring more/better sex and her hubby for whatever reason is watching porn when she is gone or asleep.

Would that be considered cheating and reason enough for the cheated partner to leave?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Are you kidding?


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

yes... cheating


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:
:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:
:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:
:banghead::banghead::banghead:


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

No you cant committ adultery with your self last I heard.What you descirbe above may be classified as a few dirrerent things dependiing on who you ask but no adultery has occured when you masturbate..

Dallas


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Cheating--no.

Insensitivity--yes.

Grounds to leave--not without more.

Something that ought to be addressed--yes.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

nothin mentioned about adultery

but it's cheating...

your cheating your spouse . . . with holding a need of theirs...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

By definition it's not cheating since no other person is involved.

Insensitive and possible grounds to leave. Yes.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I saw a program once where it was described that using pornography while masturbating actually makes your brain believe the body is actually having sex with that person... I wish I could find this online or remember where I saw it. As far as the brain is concerned, you are "cheating" in that sense. Don't remember what was said regarding mental imagery or fantasy, but it was pretty interesting. Perhaps someone using a computer can dig it up.

Yes, as Accipiter stated, you are cheating your spouse out of a relational need...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Accipiter777 said:


> nothin mentioned about adultery
> 
> but it's cheating...
> 
> your cheating your spouse . . . with holding a need of theirs...


I disagree..its not "cheating" to masturbate..their was no mention anyway that the masturbation was the reason for withholding(shut down adn UNATTRACTED to the spouse was the reaon) ..IOW my assumption is wether they masturbated or not they would still be witholding..Its none of my spouses business if I touch my own body I am not "cheating HIM by touching my own body..

If someone said my spouse is so warn out from masturbating they have no sexual energy left for me ..the masturbation then woudl be "the issue' otherwise the way this is laid out the masturbation is seperate from the witholding..

If someone woudl RATHER masturbate than be with their spouse the concern would be WHY they prefer MB..not the fact they ARE MB..

Dallas


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

iloveairplanes said:


> Example: man has communicated that he would like to have more sex, woman is too shut-down or not attracted to her husband and* instead of working hard on the relationship - masturbates when her husband isn't home.*


You're not cheating on your spouse
You're cheating your spouse


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I saw a program once where it was described that using pornography while masturbating actually makes your brain believe the body is actually having sex with that person... I wish I could find this online or remember where I saw it. As far as the brain is concerned, you are "cheating" in that sense. Don't remember what was said regarding mental imagery or fantasy, but it was pretty interesting. Perhaps someone using a computer can dig it up.
> 
> Yes, as Accipiter stated, you are cheating your spouse out of a relational need...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Using porn and masturbating is differrent ..I think what you are talking about is Pavlovs dog perhaps?Where the brian is "tirggerred" to be aroused by having that image in their memory banks while orgasming?

I dont think thats the same thing as just bieng with me myself and I ..LOL!!..

It is interesting though there is an article if I can find it about how porn does cause an associating with certiain images ...something to the affect if everytime you made love to yoru wife she was wearign the color green eventually you would be "triggerred" to become aroused at the sight of the color green ..Same thing with "word triggers" if she (or he) yelled out say "popcorn" whiel you orgasmed..eventually(overtime) you woudl fidn yoru self becoming aroused when you heard the word popcorn anywhere any time...

Dallas


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Anything that takes away from the marriage bed is a betrayal. If no longer attracted, you need to find out why. If withholding because of not being attracted, it is wrong. Yes, he DOES have a right to be pissed off (or she does) if his/her spouse is masturbating and not having sexual relations. There is something very wrong in the dynamic in that case. While I wouldn't call it cheating, I would say that one spouse is BEING CHEATED OUT OF the experience... and that is wrong. 

And it IS my husband's business if I were to masturbate if I am withholding sex because of it.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

It depends on the people involved and the boundries that have been set.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

iloveairplanes said:


> If one spouse is feeling neglected sexually - then is it considered cheating if the other spouse expresses himself/herself sexually by themselves?
> 
> Of course this could be reversed - woman is desiring more/better sex and her hubby for whatever reason is watching porn when she is gone or asleep.
> 
> Would that be considered cheating and reason enough for the cheated partner to leave?


That's my experience. Wife willing, husband taking pleasure in other places. I don't know whether it's reason to leave, but it's a good reason to start having some serious conversations with your spouse.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> Using porn and masturbating is differrent ..I think what you are talking about is Pavlovs dog perhaps?Where the brian is "tirggerred" to be aroused by having that image in their memory banks while orgasming?
> 
> I dont think thats the same thing as just bieng with me myself and I ..LOL!!..
> 
> ...


No, sorry this is NOT what I was referring to. What you are speaking is an association. What I am speaking of is the actual, literal brain. I will dig around on the internet to see if I can find the program or a reference to it. It was very specific about porn use vs. masturbation without porn and how the same centers of the brain are active during porn use and actual intercourse...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> No, sorry this is NOT what I was referring to. What you are speaking is an association. What I am speaking of is the actual, literal brain. I will dig around on the internet to see if I can find the program or a reference to it. It was very specific about porn use vs. masturbation without porn and how the same centers of the brain are active during porn use and actual intercourse...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


O.K ...I would be interested to read thank you ..I love to learn what I can ..

Gracious!

I do just by umm...instinct distinquish between masturbation one on one (no visual aid) and using visuals(specifically porn)..they are creatures of a different kind..

Dallas


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

What about visuals like...a swimsuit calendar? a fully clothed woman in a photograph? an actress in a movie? 

A cave painting (for those furious masturbators from 30,000 years ago)? 
Etc.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

SoWhat said:


> What about visuals like...a swimsuit calendar? a fully clothed woman in a photograph? an actress in a movie?
> 
> A cave painting (for those furious masturbators from 30,000 years ago)?
> Etc.


Didn't you once say they used their imaginations? 
Which is it? Imagination or cave paintings?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

The following article may be related to the program I saw... I'm not sure if it is the same, but it is similar...

Porn and Mirror Neurons – The Frontal Cortex

"Porn does not cause us to think about sex. Rather, porn causes to think we are having sex. From the perspective of the brain, the act of arousal is not preceded by a separate idea, which we absorb via the television or computer screen. The act itself is the idea. In other words, porn works by convincing us that we are not watching porn. We think we are inside the screen, doing the deed."

I hope it is okay that I included this excerpt from the article... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

SoWhat said:


> What about visuals like...a swimsuit calendar? a fully clothed woman in a photograph? an actress in a movie?
> 
> A cave painting (for those furious masturbators from 30,000 years ago)?
> Etc.


They probably fell in love with the wall..had an "emotional bond with it".

Dallas


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> The following article may be related to the program I saw... I'm not sure if it is the same, but it is similar...
> 
> Porn and Mirror Neurons – The Frontal Cortex
> 
> ...


Hmm...so basically "simulated sex"..

Like simulated flying aircraft.???

Dallas


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Is it "simulated" if the brain actually believes that it IS having sex, not watching sex?

ETA: http://www.medpedia.com/news_analysis/373-Physiology-Physics-Woven-Fine/entries/47084-Mirror-Neurons-Resonant-Circuitry-in-Brain

Getting closer but still haven't found "the" specific program I was referring to...

Anyhow, "cheating" may have different definitions for each of us... Maybe porn is a valid threat to women (and perhaps some men)? None of us are going to share the exact same reality...

Of course it will be a highly debatable topic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Is it "simulated" if the brain actually believes that it IS having sex, not watching sex?
> 
> ETA: Medpedia News & Analysis - Medpedia
> 
> ...


Yes I agree..for "some" viewing porn in the "brain " (with masturbation) is the same AFFECT as having real life affair its even WORSE because porn is so EASILY and readily accessible..like "immediate " gratification ..

Dallas


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I think that because the brain has not yet evolved for modern porn use, that the "some" would actually be the majority of people - excluding those with damage to those areas of the brain. 

Even though we "know" we aren't having sex with porn stars (and I assume anyone or thing fantasized about), the brain thinks that it is, (according to research - which is always debatable, but I am not a neuropsychologist, therefore I don't feel qualified to dispute their findings).

In any case, here is a somewhat distantly related topic on "executive control" and the brain...

Hypofrontality


I hope that's the right link...

In any case this could be a valid argument for those who do believe that viewing pornography is "cheating" in a sense, because the brain literally believes it is having sex. It is not "physical" sex, though. Perhaps it would be more closely related to "emotional affairs"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

This must be a trick question.
However I am reading in some of the responses,where some are saying that masturbating to porn causes the brain to actually think one is having sex, so that may constitute cheating. [ In the case of another partner being deprived of it.]
So if the male refuses to have sex, does not masturbate and as a consequence experiences a nocturnal emission or " wet dream '." Does that constitute cheating?
During wet dreams the man actually feels he is having sex,and the brain takes control,causing an orgasm without manual or any other form of stimulation.
I don't think porn usage and masturbation is cheating.
I think its disrespectful and selfish,and is an indications of deeper problems.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

CM - that is exactly why I included the link on "executive control" although it obviously does not address issues which are beyond control, (such as nocturnal emissions).

Viewing pornography is a choice, no matter how you feel about it.

I personally am not sure where I stand on this topic... But it is pretty interesting. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> Cheating--no.
> 
> Insensitivity--yes.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Maybe we can, for a moment, separate the emotional act of making love to your spouse and sex.

Masturbation serves a purpose...it relieves sexual tension, both in men and women.

Speaking as a man, if my wife (as she often is!) is 'off limits', unresponsive, uninterested etc and I feel horny, yes I masturbate. Better to DIY than be unfaithful, surely? 

What if....when masturbating the husband (or wife) imagines that he (or her) is having sex with Jennifer Aniston (or Brad Pitt) or even the sexy woman (or man) next door?
Would you call that unfaithful/adulterous or just being human?

If there is any husband or wife out there that says that they have NEVER masturbated over someone other than their current (at that time) partner......I'll be very surprised indeed!


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> The following article may be related to the program I saw... I'm not sure if it is the same, but it is similar...
> 
> Porn and Mirror Neurons – The Frontal Cortex
> 
> ...


Excellent article, another good reason to not watch porn and more weight to the idea that porn is in fact cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Excellent article, another good reason to not watch porn and more weight to the idea that porn is in fact cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


as is reading crap like "50 shades . . . " or erotic stories


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

7737 said:


> Maybe we can, for a moment, separate the emotional act of making love to your spouse and sex.
> 
> Masturbation serves a purpose...it relieves sexual tension, both in men and women.
> 
> ...


We all know that DIY is a better alternative for the HD spouse who is not getting their needs met as often as they would like.

I believe the original issue here is whether or not it's a kind of betrayal for the LD spouse to DIY when the HD spouse is being neglected - I don't think there are many who would say it's not. 

I've been in that boat - ready, willing and wanting my partner, only to find out he's masturbating instead of making love or having sex with me. Yes, I definitely felt betrayed. Factor in the use of pornography, and yes, it feels like cheating.

Regardless of the "why" it is still depriving your partner and DIY at this point becomes an act of "cheating" to some people... You are being passed up for another in some way, shape or form.

And no, as the HD spouse, I NEVER think of anyone besides my hubby. When I am alone, I am still having sex with him in my brain. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

OK Yin, I agree. DIY should be 'as well as' NOT 'instead of'.

I'm (pleasantly) surprised that you have never masturbated over anyone other than your husband! Good for you!

I'm afraid I have...NOT over your husband...I mean over someone other than my wife!!

I suppose that if you are in a perfect relationship the desire or temptation isn't there. But I would suspect most men probably have masturbated over someone else.

Is it being unfaithful? I don't think so...but then of course I'd say that.....!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I'm not in a "perfect" relationship and I don't have the desire to think of anyone else...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

BTW, I'm not saying anyone who does is abnormal in any way - I could also argue that monogamy itself isn't useful to us as an evolutionary development anymore - if it ever was such to begin with. But that is a different topic altogether...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

The thing is is someone can have no interest in havign sex with their spouse for a "reason"(state the reason) and if they MB its not "isntead of" with thier spouse..IOW they arent prepared to have sex with thier spouse regardless of whether they MB or not.The MB is to releive sexua tension but if they for whatever reason ould be "forbidden" by their spouse to MB they would rather have the sexual tension than engage in sex wiht their spouse..IOW they arent goign to have sex with the spouse simply to get sex release they would rather go without and have the tension ..So the MBing is not "cheating' because its not "instead of"..

Dallas


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Dallas, if someone isn't attracted to their spouse anymore they need to become proactive in finding a solution - beginning with informing their spouse.

To ignore the problem and DIY while your spouse is left wondering why (and depriving them of the opportunity to work on things) is just cruel, IMO. It's also passive-aggressive and likely doesn't do much for DIYer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bubba55543 (Jan 28, 2012)

So, my wife and I got into a big argument one night last week because I showed interest in sex and she was very "cool" to it. She said that she wasn't generally as interested as me because she doesn't always orgasm and sometimes gets frustrated. Also, that she is more likely to orgasm if it's been a while since we've had sex. (Our best sex is right after her period.) I can understand that to a degree, but after several days of going without, I get frustrated. (Especially when there are only a certain number of nights per month when she's not having her period, super-tired, kids at the house for sleepover, etc.)

So, I eventually go to sleep frustrated and fuming. Wake up the next day, still fuming, to get ready for work. So, I'm in the shower and the wife (out of guilt mainly) strips down and joins me in the shower. Gives me an awesome blow job (which come about twice a year). So, then I'm unsure what she wants, but I pick up vibe that she wants some sexual attention too. I lead her to the bed and give her oral sex which leads to a fairly intense orgasm.

This is nice, why can't we do it more often!

Anyway, coming around to the original topic of reserving sexual energy . . . later in the day when I get home, I can tell that she has used her vibrator during the day. (She doesn't know that I know.) I gave it to her several months ago under the premise that I would use it on her, but she has never acknowledged it other than to facetiously say "sorry to disappoint you" (i.e., "I'm too much of a good girl to use a sex toy.") Well, she evidently is too shy to admit it, but evidently seems to put it to use (at least a dozen times - again I can tell).

So, I'm trying to reconcile her comment about wanting more time between sexual episodes in order to enhance the experience versus using a vibrator within a few hours after me bringing her to orgasm.:scratchhead:


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Bubba (LOVE your name, by the way!!) I hope in your situation that your wife is using the vibe to teach herself to orgasm. Have you approached her about this?

As a woman, I disagree that longer periods between sex make for better sex - practice makes perfect here as anywhere else. If you both are constantly rusty from the weeks or months between I feel it would be highly unlikely that sex would improve for her.

If she complains that she is too tired or busy, take that as a hint to help out some more with the kids or the chores so that she has time to recoup and discover her sexual energy. I'd be very firm (yet gentle and tactful) about dismissing her excuses as they come. Eventually she will have to try or out the "real" reason she doesn't want sex.

Do you guys get to spend time alone together, or have you made the effort to also include romantic gestures - such as flowers or a card for no reason? Let her know you appreciate and love her - that is the greatest aphrodisiac my husband can do for me.

Hoping I've been helpful here! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Bubba55543 said:


> So, my wife and I got into a big argument one night last week because I showed interest in sex and she was very "cool" to it. She said that she wasn't generally as interested as me because she doesn't always orgasm and sometimes gets frustrated. Also, that she is more likely to orgasm if it's been a while since we've had sex. (Our best sex is right after her period.) I can understand that to a degree, but after several days of going without, I get frustrated. (Especially when there are only a certain number of nights per month when she's not having her period, super-tired, kids at the house for sleepover, etc.)
> 
> So, I eventually go to sleep frustrated and fuming. Wake up the next day, still fuming, to get ready for work. So, I'm in the shower and the wife (out of guilt mainly) strips down and joins me in the shower. Gives me an awesome blow job (which come about twice a year). So, then I'm unsure what she wants, but I pick up vibe that she wants some sexual attention too. I lead her to the bed and give her oral sex which leads to a fairly intense orgasm.
> 
> ...


Hmm..that coudl be her "self exlporation "(getting to know her own body)...I dont think its right by the way for you t be spying on her that way but thats a differnt story..I'll just tell you that if she finds out you have doen that she will be horrified and humiliated and it wont be good..Obviously she has "good girls dont atttached to sex in some ways..

Your better off askign her gently adn nicely(dont know if that will work due to the "fuming" problem you have with her over sex..most peopel dont respond well sexualy to anger espeically peopel with shame atttached already)anyway..tell her you want to know "her" ask her if she ever thinks about sex (first ask her that) when you arent around see what she says..Depending on the anwer ask her do you ever think about or are tempted to MB..See what she says..

My husband pulled the ole lets get a toy ..then I figured out he was "checking" my undewear drawer to see if it had been moved while he was gone..he would come home from work unfortunatley my underwear drawer "squeaks" I would hear him put his keys on the dresser and "squeak" hmmm..WHY is he looking in my drawer..So I thought two could play that lying game..every time he ever left I changed the postition of the vibrator..(didnt use it just turned it from facing east to west )..I woudl hear him go 'squeak"(he thought he was "gaining info Im in the other room snickering)..after about a month of this..him thinking he "knew" anything about me other than two can play THAT game ..It was the most fun when he left 2 or more times a day LOL>>:rofl:He poor thing ..thought I was mastubating every time he walked aout the door..several times a day...

It was a brilliant moment when I let HIM know I was on to what HE had been doing(not the other way around) ..Of course he said he just wanted to know ..

Dallas


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

:rofl: That's too funny! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Bubba (LOVE your name, by the way!!) I hope in your situation that your wife is using the vibe to teach herself to orgasm. Have you approached her about this?
> 
> *As a woman, I disagree that longer periods between sex make for better sex - practice makes perfect here as anywhere else. *If you both are constantly rusty from the weeks or months between I feel it would be highly unlikely that sex would improve for her.
> 
> ...


Sex in general...I would agree. If you mean orgasms... not I. I have never been able to orgasm from sex everyday. Every other day, yes... but not everyday. And yes, we have tried. It may change when I start perimenopause/menopause, but for now, no more often than every other day.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I'm talking of sexual exploration as a whole - obviously you have already established how to have an orgasm... And Bubba's wife may still be learning? It doesn't need to be daily, but certainly shorter intervals than weeks, if that is what is going on...

I can orgasm several times a day, every day. I need to keep in mind that others are different - thanks. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I don't get why anyone would "reserve sexual energy" at all. Sounds like a cop out. Sex is something you should SAVE your energy for, kinda like saving room for dessert! 

Even if you don't O every time, it's still fun, loving, intimate, etc...


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Sex in general...I would agree. If you mean orgasms... not I. I have never been able to orgasm from sex everyday. Every other day, yes... but not everyday. And yes, we have tried. It may change when I start perimenopause/menopause, but for now, no more often than every other day.


Why do you think that orgasm will change for the better when you reach menopause?  Did someone tell you that? I am post-menopause, and still could probably not get a menopause every day but - the good thing about menopause - I don't really care that much.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

janefw said:


> Why do you think that orgasm will change for the better when you reach menopause?  Did someone tell you that? I am post-menopause, and still could probably not get a menopause every day but - the good thing about menopause - I don't really care that much.


There are a few I have spoken to who HAVE said it increased with them. If it does, it does. If it doesn't it doesn't. Not gonna lose sleep over it.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I've heard both...post menopause womans ability to enjoy increased I have heard the opostie that it plumeted..its possible to theire could be NO change..mostly I hear her ability to become lubricated is affected..

The other thing is the "liberaton " ZERO chance of pregnancy can make a woman feel free..Im 44 and I have that fear in the back of my head still becasue Im not even in the beginning stages of menopause..We take precuations and at my age Im sure the chances are reduced but still ..its a fear.

Also aroudn menopause for many women with children the children are older and so your duties and stresses of caring for littel ones not their..or the kids leave (hopefully LOL)..so you have more time..and more privacy..you can let it all out! LOL!!

Dallas


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I've heard both...post menopause womans ability to enjoy increased I have heard the opostie that it plumeted..its possible to theire could be NO change..mostly I hear her ability to become lubricated is affected..
> 
> The other thing is the "liberaton " ZERO chance of pregnancy can make a woman feel free..Im 44 and I have that fear in the back of my head still becasue Im not even in the beginning stages of menopause..We take precuations and at my age Im sure the chances are reduced but still ..its a fear.
> 
> ...


Yea...regarding the liberation... non-issue here. tubes tied when I had the youngest 4 yrs ago. Regarding uninhibited sex, tho... That's not really been an issue either. I think the only REAL problem we have been having is that we have co-slept with each of our kids, and the youngest is fighting us more than the other two ever did. Probably because he is the baby. The thing is, I've not felt the problem many couples typically do regarding sex when they have young children. Sex is a fact of life. There is always the chance your child will walk in on you... if you can laugh it off, all the better. Harder to laugh it off when they are older... JMO


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

What I meant mainly with the kids beign older is more oportunity older kids are gone a lot more and even wehn they are home they arent following you around the house saying mommy ? mommy??mommy?what are you doign in there ?mommy?..by older i mean teanagers and even college kids sitll at home..My youngest is 16...I have a 4 yo grandson thouhg that I have been keeping up to 4 days a week and ...more (not all) of our afternoons are gone..also with the kids beign older so therefore gone more the point was its not just that you had to 'abstain" when they were home more..but just out of politeness and I think decency you have to keep it 'quiet"..and you are "limited" to where it can be...

Dallas


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> What I meant mainly with the kids beign older is more oportunity older kids are gone a lot more and even wehn they are home they arent following you around the house saying mommy ? mommy??mommy?what are you doign in there ?mommy?..by older i mean teanagers and even college kids sitll at home..My youngest is 16...I have a 4 yo grandson thouhg that I have been keeping up to 4 days a week and ...more (not all) of our afternoons are gone..also with the kids beign older so therefore gone more *the point was its not just that you had to 'abstain" when they were home more..but just out of politeness and I think decency you have to keep it 'quiet"..and you are "limited" to where it can be...*
> 
> Dallas


We obviously live in different places... there is NO WAY my husband can keep me quiet. He doesn't even try LMAO. Well, he tried once, but realized THAT wasn't happening! 

As far as the "where" limitation? I guess that depends on your definition of limitations. Some people have no desire, no matter who is home, or not home, to have sex on the kitchen counter, table, etc. Hubby and I are like that. Neither of us has that desire. Not even before kids started coming along lol. Again, just our preferences.


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## Bubba55543 (Jan 28, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I hope in your situation that your wife is using the vibe to teach herself to orgasm. Have you approached her about this?
> 
> As a woman, I disagree that longer periods between sex make for better sex - practice makes perfect here as anywhere else. If you both are constantly rusty from the weeks or months between I feel it would be highly unlikely that sex would improve for her.
> 
> ...


Thanks Yin - I appreciate the feedback, and also to others who have commented on my story.

I should clarify that overall we have a wonderful marriage of almost 20 years and typically have sex about twice a week. And, I say she reaches an orgasm 70 - 80% of the time (oftentimes via manual stimulation from me followed by intercourse) 

Just sometimes there's a dry spell of a few days that seems longer than I would like. I figure life is short, we're not getting any younger, there's no threat of pregnancy -- it's healthy and important time together.

I'd give myself an A- or B+ on being helpful around the house - I don't think that's an issue. However, I do need to find ways to show I appreciate her more often. She would say that I need to "pay more attention" to her. It's frustrating though because we truly spend hours and hours doing things with her and all I ask is for a 15 - 30 minute sexual encounter every
few days.

I originally gave her the vibrator as a way to maybe help her learn more about what it takes to orgasm. I really don't mind that she uses it herself and I don't really think it takes away from our sex life. She's using it about 2 -3 times a month.

I'll admit that it seems a little creepy to check on her use of it, but I truly do it to try to understand what's going on with her, not something I plan to use against her. Her libido is like a roller-coaster (hormones, I know, I know) at 10 one day then 1 a few days later.

As a man, my libido is at 10 except for the first few minutes/hours after sex when it dips to 1 or 2 then recovers.

"DIY" is something we've never talked about so bringing it up would be awkward for us both, though I suspect she knows I do it and now I know she does too.

General advice for women (preaching to choir I know) : Be clear to your man when you really WANT sex. But, if there are times (during the "month" say) that you don't really WANT sex, that's OK. Still, unselfishly offering just a few minutes of sexual attention to your man during these times will go a long way in keeping him happy. We're really pretty simple that way.


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

7737 said:


> Maybe we can, for a moment, separate the emotional act of making love to your spouse and sex.
> 
> Masturbation serves a purpose...it relieves sexual tension, both in men and women.
> 
> ...


But...in the original question, it stated: how would you feel if you felt sexually neglected, but found out your H/W was masterbating.

That is the thing that makes the difference (especially for me when I find out my W is doing it, but has not had sex with me for months now).


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Anything that takes away from the marriage bed is a betrayal. If no longer attracted, you need to find out why. If withholding because of not being attracted, it is wrong. Yes, he DOES have a right to be pissed off (or she does) if his/her spouse is masturbating and not having sexual relations. There is something very wrong in the dynamic in that case. While I wouldn't call it cheating, I would say that one spouse is BEING CHEATED OUT OF the experience... and that is wrong.
> 
> And it IS my husband's business if I were to masturbate if I am withholding sex because of it.


TOTALLY AGREE!!!! :iagree:


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> We obviously live in different places... there is NO WAY my husband can keep me quiet. He doesn't even try LMAO. Well, he tried once, but realized THAT wasn't happening!
> 
> As far as the "where" limitation? I guess that depends on your definition of limitations. Some people have no desire, no matter who is home, or not home, to have sex on the kitchen counter, table, etc. Hubby and I are like that. Neither of us has that desire. Not even before kids started coming along lol. Again, just our preferences.


Yeah Im a kitchen table kind of gal..(and I have a loud voice )

Dallas


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## iloveairplanes (Jun 21, 2012)

Thank you all for posting responses to my thread.

Here is my story and my take on it:
I have been married for 15 years and from the beginning of our relationship my wife was reserved sexually. Not too exciting and not as much frequency as I would have liked. I tried to have conversations and eventually was confronting, frustrated, and became manipulative and pushy trying to control her to give me more of what I wanted.....We were married after all so we have a responsibility to each other! Well, sex got worse and worse... but rather than her trying to help fix the problem she would DIY. I have taken it on myself to make a new change in the relationship and remove any resentment on my part - but I have asked her to be faithful to me - that I have been wanting in our relationship and she has been the one starving me but she is feeding herself....it is like an analogy of a wife who doesn't get any spending money and her husband controls all of the money and doesn't buy her what she needs and wants - but behind her back is treating himself to expensive rounds of golf, a nice car, nice lunches, and such.....you get the picture.

I personally have read the 50 shades book. I do think it is porn for women and if my wife has a problem with me looking at porn by myself then I shouldn't feel bad for expecting her to read the book with me rather than by herself.....however if I want to be an attractive MAN then these things shouldn't cause me concern and I shouldn't care what she wants to do - because otherwise it would be construed as controlling and manipulative right?

Ugh - women.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

iloveairplanes said:


> Thank you all for posting responses to my thread.
> 
> Here is my story and my take on it:
> I have been married for 15 years and from the beginning of our relationship my wife was reserved sexually. Not too exciting and not as much frequency as I would have liked. I tried to have conversations and eventually was confronting, frustrated, and became manipulative and pushy trying to control her to give me more of what I wanted.....We were married after all so we have a responsibility to each other! Well, sex got worse and worse... but rather than her trying to help fix the problem she would DIY. I have taken it on myself to make a new change in the relationship and remove any resentment on my part - but I have asked her to be faithful to me - that I have been wanting in our relationship and she has been the one starving me but she is feeding herself....it is like an analogy of a wife who doesn't get any spending money and her husband controls all of the money and doesn't buy her what she needs and wants - but behind her back is treating himself to expensive rounds of golf, a nice car, nice lunches, and such.....you get the picture.
> ...


Yeppers!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

quote : that I have been wanting in our relationship and she has been the one starving me but she is feeding herself. end quote

But if DIY is comparible to having sex with another person why are you starving?Why dont you DIY and feed your self too?

Then both of you will be "fed"..

Dallas


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

iloveairplanes said:


> Hey all, A topic came up during a discussion and there was quite a difference of opinion so I thought I would bring it up.
> 
> If one spouse is feeling neglected sexually - then is it considered cheating if the other spouse expresses himself/herself sexually by themselves?
> 
> ...


Obviously you are going to get varied opinons on this subject.....the term "cheating" is too strong though....that is overkill.... all that really matters is how You & your spouse feel. 


Take it from our marriage... We highly regret not talking about this......we have learned from our past mistakes... sadly -because of how freaking badly we MISSED each other...

For 19 long years, my husband was THINKING I was "lower drive".... but accually -because I was rather embarrrasssed to talk about sex, masterbation -OMG, I would have DIED - turned as red as a lobster-if someone asked me, I was "ashamed" of enjoying that...probably since I was like 12 yrs old. 

...And I did go off and masterbate when I was horny in the middle of the night ....thinking he wouldn't want me to wake him up from his sleeping, I always seemed to have more "energy" than him & he would complain I keep him up too late. (this still happens today)

Then we learn all these years later.... HE wanted a whole lot more sex....even was starting to RESENT ME .... and HE NEVER masterbated feeling if he did -he was "cheating" (his words NOT MINE).... HE ALWAYS WAITED FOR ME , even looking at Playboy bunnies, he didn't touch himself - I looked at him stunned ...

Then I had to fess up....and tell him I was a "cheater" then !! cause I was masterbating different times in the middle of the night...our entire marraige. We were BOTH shocked !!! I always wanted him more so -but thought he'd rather sleep. 

So we missed each other pathetically, I was thinking his drive wasn't so high (cause he was passive, never the aggressive type & never once showed any anger over not getting it -he was more grouchy with the kids -but never took it out on me)....and he was thinking I was like a "NUN". 

So don't be this damn stupid... and make sure you talk to your spouse about masterbation...and how you feel about these things. 

I would be PISSED freaking off if when I wanted it 3 times a day, if I found out he wasted one of those erections on himself-- Yes!! I'd want to :BoomSmilie_anim: him!! Cause his refractory period is rather long! And I was going half out of my mind wanting to rape him during a phase 3 yrs ago. 

And also, my husband would be terribly terribly hurt (as I did in the past unknowingly) if I was off masterbating -while he was waiting and wanting me every night. I have cried many tears over this realization...and wish I could go back in time and make this up to him. 

We both feel it is BEST to wait for your higher drive partner, I think Every sex therapist would agree, the lower drive partner should wait ...so the higher drive partner is not going crazy, feeling deprived...and ultimately less loved in the marriage. 

Me & mine will likely never masterbate again, we love being together too much. Nothing can compare.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

QUOTE:For 19 long years, my husband was THINKING I was "lower drive".... but accually -because I was rather embarrrasssed to talk about sex, masterbation -OMG, I would have DIED - turned as red as a lobster-if someone asked me, I was "ashamed" of enjoying that...probably since I was like 12 yrs old. 
END QUOTE

Gotcha on that one sister..too true for me too.."secretly" liking orgasm..Girls unless they are svluts or nymphos..just dont like that..

Dallas


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> quote : that I have been wanting in our relationship and she has been the one starving me but she is feeding herself. end quote
> 
> But if DIY is comparible to having sex with another person why are you starving?Why dont you DIY and feed your self too?
> 
> ...


Wow... just. Wow. 

So to use this analogy, I should stop making dinner for us... just feed myself... "she's got two arms"... "make your own damn dinner".... yeah... right... masturbation that voids the SO of intimacy is NOT good.


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