# What do you think are your male partners emotional needs



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If any...

So since my last topic went so well :surprise: I decided to flip the script. Ladies what do you think is your male partners emotional needs. Does he have any? How does he show it, does he let you know or do you have to figure it out? Is it more physical then emotional like the stereotype may say? Give some examples of how you do that, or how it hasn't worked, or maybe you were unaware he was like that. 

Let's not make this contentious like the last post I really am hoping to get some good insight not just for me but for others who read. 

I can't only post on here about infidelity. I actually very pro marriage. 

Let the madness continue. >


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My ex-h and I filled out the MB emotional needs questionaire together, so I know his needs from their list (found here: The Most Important Emotional Needs ):

Sexual fulfillment (SF)

Recreational companionship (RC)

Honesty and openness (HO)

Admiration


And his love languages were primarily touch, words of affirmation and acts of service. 

Sexual fulfillment, that part was not a problem. It was just easy with us. 

The RC was a bit more difficult for a variety of reasons. But when I would hear him talk about how great it was to have RC with me at all, it made me understand something new about him. He explained how companionship with guys friends or relatives was great and all but that when he could play tennis with me or take a surf lesson together or play cards on a whim on a Tuesday night...it gave him a really deep fulfillment that can't be met as well by others. 

His need for HO was not easy for me because I am not an open book. I am introverted and need to be drawn out. I will not (usually) just spew forth information about myself (contrary to what it seems at TAM  ). I don't do this to be secretive. It is just not my style to "go on and on" about myself. Though that then comes across as secretive. 

One night I went out with a girlfriend and came home and was like "Hi honey!"

He's like "Hi, how was it?"

Me: "Great!"

Him: Pause. "So...where'd you eat...."

Me: "Such and such place".

Him: Pause. "So....how's girlfriend doing?" 

Me: "Oh you know, the same, she's good".

Me: Going on with other things, checking my phone, not really realizing he even cares to hear more about my girl's night.....

Him: "Why are you so weird and make me drag it out of you!?" (with a smile and a laugh and tackling me)

Me: "Drag what out of me?" (laughing and squirming)

Him: "Why don't you just TELL ME how your night was and fill me in, why do I have to ask you these questions?"

Me: ..... deer in headlights

Me: "I have no idea!"

I had to search around to find out why this is, but all I came up with is that I'm introverted. I feel sort of like I would be imposing on him to come home and be like "hey! so we went to this place, I ate this, it was MARVELOUS!, she was wearing that blouse I got her for her birthday and it looked so good on her, so anyway the gossip on girlfriend is that she talked to so and so, remember him?, and they decided such and such, oh and by the way, I got the best parking spot right out front of the restaurant, what a score!, so anyway, they decided that and then that turned into this and OMG, did I already tell you about her surgery!? blah blah blah..."

I mean, if I gave an honest recount of the evening, it would have been something like that. And I just didn't/couldn't bring myself to unload like that on him. Even though he was right there asking me questions. I never felt like I should spill more when he asked each question, I felt like giving him the minimum answers was polite to his time and attention span for certain "girly" topics. It wasn't until he asked me why he had to drag it out of me that I realized this actually looked to him like I wasn't being forthcoming for some reason. But the reason was just something to do with my introversion, not secrecy. We resolved this one ok, and he eventually came to understand I am not hiding anything, I'm just not a wear it on your sleeve person about certain things.

Admiration...this one was always easy for me to give him because I truly did admire him. I told him in many ways. I built him up. I made sure he knew when I was building him up to others. He was self confident and didn't "need" this admiration, he just wanted it because he knew his value and wanted to be with someone who also knew it. I feel the same and also need admiration (in a different way) and I find it easy to verbally admire someone when I do truly admire them, no matter who it is. He was great at giving admiration, too. So we were a good match that way.

- - - - - 

My current boyfriend has a high need for touch and SF, and an "attractive spouse/partner". I think I fulfill him pretty well on all three.

His next highest need is for conversation. Which is really great, I love that one, too. We have hours and hours of great conversation. He is extremely extroverted (my ex-h was extroverted as well, but not as much as boyfriend). So he likes conversation with a huge variety of people about a variety of subjects. Luckily, that is one need that can be fulfilled by others, because I definitely could not converse with him as much as he likes to converse. But the conversation we do have is always engaged, entertaining, lively, and fun. 

He has also noted my tendency to not be forthcoming with certain things, and his need to ask me questions if he wants to know things about me. I think he also now knows this is not me being secretive. 

- - - - - 

I like MB's descriptions and hierarchy of emotional needs because it gives validity to some needs that for some people seem ridiculous and not "needs". For instance, I have always had a high need for an attractive partner/spouse, but to some this sounds so shallow. 

But I know myself, and I want to feel that strong mutual attraction with a partner. It is this attraction that makes me feel sexual and amorous toward a partner, and makes me want to be affectionate, have sex with them, etc. If the sex is great, then the attraction just grows and grows and feels more and more wonderful to me. Strong mutual attraction feels like ice cream on a perfect summer day.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What happened with your ex?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

In general, he needs me to be very responsive when he chooses to be vulnerable with me. He's vulnerable when we have sex, when he speaks about his dreams/goals, when he points out how he thinks differently from guys his age, when he talks about his past and when he wants to be cuddled and nurtured like a babe.

Responding negatively or with little interest in any of those situations, would be hurtful to him. Outside of those situations, he's not very emotional and is averse to talking. It sucked in the beginning because I'm big on communication but I'm learning to accept that we just have different styles. There are aspects I know I'm lucky to enjoy. For example he is extremely serious about accommodating time for cuddling every day, which I so love (I need touch). It's baffling considering his semi-cold demeanor.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

sokillme said:


> What happened with your ex?


A long story. We are divorced, but still friends. Sometimes love cannot overcome logistical issues.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

sokillme said:


> If any...
> 
> So since my last topic went so well :surprise: I decided to flip the script. Ladies what do you think is your male partners emotional needs. Does he have any? How does he show it, does he let you know or do you have to figure it out? Is it more physical then emotional like the stereotype may say? Give some examples of how you do that, or how it hasn't worked, or maybe you were unaware he was like that.
> 
> ...


I would have to say his emotional needs are:
1. Respect 
2. Appreciation
2. physical affection and sex (for bonding)
3. companionship in activities

Respect has been an issue for me, I say how things are and sometimes my tone could be more respectful, I struggle with that and he struggles with how he hears me (we have talked about this).

I appreciate all he does for the family esp but still am a bit clueless on how he wants to be appreciated. I try to buy little gifts or meet him when he comes in from work with a smile on my face. Sometimes I struggle with the fragility of his ego (never knew men's egos are so sensitive).


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

This is a great topic, and @Faithful Wife thank you for posting that link, I hope my hubby will fill it out. I was going to answer until I read that, and then I thought, "I would really love to see his answers to those questions." At the same time, I must say I think he will be hurt by some of my answers. So I'm going to have to think this through now!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Odo's emotional needs are definitely something I've had to learn to pick up on, mainly via listening closely to what he says and watching what he does. 

His primary need is physical closeness and he is extremely tactile. He works with his hands all day and he has this need to feel everything, like it's his main sensory input. I've learned that stroking his face, hugging and holding him, and snuggling him from behind while in bed make him feel comforted.

When he thinks the physical connection is lacking, he will randomly reach for my hand and hold it, so I've also learned to reach out for him as often as possible. When I do, it's almost like saying "I love you" without words. We hold hands in the car, in restaurants, walking, everywhere. 

Sex is the best way to fulfill his emotional needs, but it needs to involve genuine enthusiasm. He knows that I'd never say no unless I had a good reason, because sex is an important emotional need for me, too. He is happy to just hold me in those instances. He is very "handsy" when we have sex and needs to feel me all over. I tend to focus on particular areas and he surveys the land. 

When I ask, Odo says his needs are few. While he acts like he doesn't need a financially independent woman, I know that he appreciates it. The women in his life before me were dependent upon him for everything. I don't think he had a source of comparison before me. He also needs an intellectually stimulating woman who he can have conversations with and who can mentally challenge him and call him on his BS.

He can't handle long periods of silence, in fact, I think that if I ever wanted to intentionally hurt him, the silent treatment in combination with refusing to touch him could probably be the optimal way of doing so. We have never argued and I've never had reason to be angry with him (yet), but we have had disagreements where I needed to leave the room to process my feelings. When I was younger my feelings used to rise to the surface and explode quickly and its something I learned to manage well. When I feel the emotions stir too much, I need to be alone. Odo understands this. When I come back I'm more calm, reasonable and logical. I know he appreciates a woman that can regulate her temper and yet he's told me that the fiery side of me attracts him very much.

I wouldn't claim to intimately know all of his emotional needs, but I have a pretty good idea. I think that he's actually learned more about his needs by being with a woman who desires to fulfill them for a change, rather than merely focusing on having her own needs met.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

aine said:


> I would have to say his emotional needs are:
> 1. Respect
> 2. Appreciation
> 2. physical affection and sex (for bonding)
> ...


Have you read Gottman's advice to women on "soft start ups"?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Dug needs what I think is called Domestic Support or Family Commitment from me. That was his #1 on that MB questionnaire that we did when I first came to TAM and heard about it.

He wanted me at home breastfeeding and homeschooling our kids. Knowing that I keep the home fires burning and am devoted to our children allows him the freedom to work anywhere in the world. 

I am not sure of any other needs. I gush admiration for him, I crave his touch and rarely refuse his sexual advances, and I have an intense need to spill out my feelings to him. So if any of those on my part meets needs in him, I would not necessarily realize it.

I feel so lucky to be with a man I am safe with. Some men just seem so mean. I would just wilt under some of the things women here say their husbands say or do to them. I am so grateful my husband is kind and gentle with me.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

My husband needs acceptance and appreciation for who he is. He is highly affectionate, needs a lot of "togetherness" time, and companionship with someone he can relate to. 

He needs to be heard, and to be trusted.

Sometimes he needs a sympathetic ear. Sometimes he needs help and support.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My SO is, like me, highly tactile, so he loves affection and sex. He also seems to really thrive on intelligent and interesting conversation. Like many who've been betrayed in prior relationships, he seems to have a fairly high need for openness and honesty. He's generally open and honest himself, but is also a bit sensitive to his own honesty being questioned, so I'd say he also needs admiration. And he loves when we get out and do fun things together, so I'd say he likely has a high need for recreational companionship. 

Chapman's system would probably say his top love languages are quality time, touch, and verbal affirmation. He also seems to feel an almost childlike delight in giving me gifts, but it seems to make him a bit uncomfortable when I give him gifts. I think he likes to express his love with gifts but isn't as comfortable receiving love that way. I still bring him little things here and there, just because I like doing that for him. 

We're actually quite well matched on many of our top needs, so most things are fairly easy. I tend to take my cues regarding what he needs from me based on what he seems to naturally offer. He's tactile, very expressive, and likes to talk and laugh, and do fun stuff with me. That actually meets my needs pretty well. I try to make sure I return those things to him as much as I'm able. He's actually much more verbally expressive of his feelings than I am, so sometimes I struggle to keep up, but I do try and make sure he hears me _say_ how I feel about him. Because he seems to need that from me and I'm happy to step outside my comfort zone to make sure he feels loved.


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

> If any...


Yea, good, men have no emotional needs.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

aine said:


> I appreciate all he does for the family esp but still am a bit clueless on how he wants to be appreciated. I try to buy little gifts or meet him when he comes in from work with a smile on my face. Sometimes I struggle with the fragility of his ego (never knew men's egos are so sensitive).


Hard to beat a sincere "Thank you" with eye contact. It's easy to toss of a "thanks" while you're distracted with something else, but giving a moment of undivided attention to him, looking in the eye and saying thank you---that hits my appreciation button.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

He needs to know he is loved, respected and that I am happy. He needs lots of sex because that how he shows his love and stays connected to me.>

He needs me at home taking care of everything so that, he can go do what he does. He know that I am taking care of the kids and he does not have to worry about them. 

He needs to me to show and tell him, I love him. He is very affectionate and loves to tease. He always wants me next to him, even if he is sleeping. 

Most of all, he needs me to be happy. He really believe that when I am happy, everything works for the best in the house. He always tells me my mood changes the atmosphere of our home. 

He needs me to let him be the man. I always make sure to thank him for being a wonderful husband and father. To encourage and support him in everything he does. I stoke his ego now and then because he can be a baby sometimes.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Nice to see several women realize the importance of respect and admiration. 

I expect the regular rabble to now come forth and ridicule males in general for needing respect and admiration .


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

anonmd said:


> Nice to see several women realize the importance of respect and admiration.
> 
> I expect the regular rabble to now come forth and ridicule males in general for needing respect and admiration .


I think I would be leery of a man who did NOT need respect and admiration. I mean...what guy doesn't? If he doesn't, what does that even mean? 

People can be self validating and confident, yet still, within a relationship, if you have no need to be respected, to me that would indicate that this person knows they do not always act respectably and they don't want the pressure of being expected to act respectably.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I think I would be leery of a man who did NOT need respect and admiration. I mean...what guy doesn't? If he doesn't, what does that even mean?
> 
> People can be self validating and confident, yet still, within a relationship, if you have no need to be respected, to me that would indicate that this person knows they do not always act respectably and they don't want the pressure of being expected to act respectably.


This. Or, that they simply find their partner's opinions irrelevant, which isn't any better. 

My ex-husband was adamant that he did not need respect or admiration. Our second MC was finally able to pin him down on the fact that he did need those things, because he actually spent a great deal of time cultivating his image so as to maintain the respect and admiration of friends, family, colleagues and the wider world. What he really meant was that he didn't think it mattered whether his wife respected and admired him or not. It also hadn't really occurred to him in any tangible way, that it might be important for him to respect his wife. 

That's not a recipe for a healthy relationship....


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

(Disclaimer to anyone who doesn't know anything about me and Real Estate, we've been together for just over a year. It's the first serious post-divorce relationship for both of us, and we have had to be very patient with each other, and we are still learning and growing.)

I've realized recently that one of Real Estate's primary needs is words of affirmation, and admiration. I noticed that he will frequently say something to me like, "What do you think of my spaghetti strainer? It's pretty great, right?" (Aside: it is actually the coolest spaghetti strainer I've ever seen, and I want one of my own.) But the spaghetti strainer doesn't really matter... he wants my affirmation that he made a good choice, that I think he makes smart choices. Or he'll say something like, "Did you like how I jerry-rigged the toilet flap so it doesn't stick anymore?" (These are real-life examples, people.) He wants affirmation that I appreciate his cleverness. And his desire to make me laugh... me laughing at his dumb "dad" jokes (which I do actually find funny) is another way of expressing affirmation/admiration. And I always say "thank you" and usually give him a kiss when he buys me dinner, or coffee, or Vitamin Water at the 7-11, because I really do appreciate the little things he does like that to take care of me and spoil me a little... I really do want to express my appreciation, but I've only recently realized how much that actually means to him. 

Several months ago, we stopped at a bar for after dinner drinks, and started chatting with these two men who were sitting at the bar, and one of them mentioned that he was thinking about buying his own place, and I said, "Hey, you should talk to my guy, he's a real estate agent," which was a great way for RE to segue into networking mode, and the four of us had a nice conversation about buying a condo, and different neighborhoods, etc., and they exchanged cards when we left. As we were walking to the car, he said, "I really appreciate the way you promoted me in there, and supported me professionally by engaging in the conversation. It means a lot to me." Apparently, his XW would always get pissed at him if he would talk real estate with other people when they went to parties, or met people in a bar like we did, adn she never expressed an interest in what he did. Over the course of several conversations, I've drawn the conclusion that her lack of support and the fact that she didn't appreciate that he was busting his ass to provide a secure financial future for them really drove a wedge between the two of them; he needed that support and affirmation to feel appreciated in the relationship. I learned a lot from that small exchange. (Funny, it didn't seem to me like I was doing much. If you're with someone, you support their pursuits.)

I do struggle with the words of affirmation, a little bit, as I've never been one to throw around lots of compliments or whatever, but when I do, they are absolutely sincere. So I have to take the time to remember, if I think something positive about him to myself, I shouldn't keep it to myself, I should say it out loud.

Physical touch (not including sex, I consider that separate), has always been a big one for me, but until recently, I didn't really think it was a big one for him... earlier in our relationship, it felt like he was holding my hand, cuddling me, etc more because I wanted it than because he wanted it. But now... it seems it's flipped a little bit, like he needs the physical touch even more than I do; he initiates physical contact/affection more and more now, and I don't know how to explain this, but it feels more genuine and almost vulnerable now. He had this idea that we should start doing reading time together... basically, we choose a book, and whenever I stay over at his place, each night and/or morning for about an hour or so, we will take turns reading to each other until we finish the book.

I think that quality time/recreational companionship is a big one, though he doesn't go out and do a lot of activities. He's kind of a homebody. He jokes and says that I drag him out and make him do fun things... but he really does enjoy it. But he just wants me around. He loves it when I come grocery shopping with him, or when he has to go pick up his laundry. Good, genuine conversation. He needs that, too, in order to have a real connection.

And honesty and openness. That's a big one for both of us.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> I do struggle with the words of affirmation, a little bit, as I've never been one to throw around lots of compliments or whatever, but when I do, they are absolutely sincere. So I have to take the time to remember, if I think something positive about him to myself, I shouldn't keep it to myself, I should say it out loud.


This is interesting to me. One time you and I were both on a penis thread (every thread is a penis thread just waiting to happen, so I don't know what the original topic actually was but...) for some reason I asked you if you tell RE that you love his penis. You said you weren't the type to wax poetic about that sort of thing. I thought that was odd...but only because I find words of affirmation really easy to come by, easy to say, and I really enjoy saying them.

Yet on the other hand, for some reason I don't easily share about something as simple as the details of a night out to dinner with a girlfriend. Which then comes across as if I am being secretive.

I have no real reason for not being more forth coming about something like that, yet I just don't do it naturally. Even though I have realized this is an issue, I still don't remember most of the time to just do it. There is no hang up in my way, no dark corner that is preventing me from being more forth coming...it is just not something I do naturally and therefore, if I am to do this I have to consciously remind myself to do it, like you said in the quote above.

Yet when it comes to compliments or admiration, I'm naturally completely open and forth coming with those things.

There is a way in which I am a very private person. Again, this doesn't mean that I am secretive or that I have anything to hide. It is more that I don't want to share every experience I have verbally with others. Most experiences I have, I am happy to keep to myself and cherish them in my own way. I do not usually want anyone else's input on those experiences. I do not want to share them because I do not want anyone to interfere (deliberately or by accident) with how I interpreted my own personal experiences.

Whereas, with my feelings of admiration for others, and specifically for a partner, I *WANT* to share those thoughts with others, and specifically with my partner. I *WANT* to have those feelings of mine understood and interpreted by others. I want to add to their well being by adding my words of affirmation to their lives.

And yet...with my ex-h and his need for openness and honesty, I was completely cutting him off at the pass by my inability to be more forth coming. For no good reason other than habit and my own comfort level. It would not have hurt me to push my own boundaries more, and yet I rarely did. The result being that I appeared to be hiding something.

The result of your not being able to offer words of affirmation easily would appear that you don't have much admiration for the other person. Even though that isn't the case.

Strangely similar!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

anonmd said:


> Nice to see several women realize the importance of respect and admiration.
> 
> I expect the regular rabble to now come forth and ridicule males in general for needing respect and admiration .


Nothing wrong with needing it.

Just realize that you need to *earn* it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I think I would be leery of a man who did NOT need respect and admiration. I mean...what guy doesn't? If he doesn't, what does that even mean?
> 
> People can be self validating and confident, yet still, within a relationship, if you have no need to be respected, to me that would indicate that this person knows they do not always act respectably and they don't want the pressure of being expected to act respectably.


If my husband needs respect and admiration, that has never been apparent to me. I have always known him to be secure in himself. That emotional self sufficiency is something I greatly respect and admire about him.

And that is good, because I could not give respect and admiration on some sort of "need" basis. Not sincerely, anyway.

Personally, I would find that sort of "need" to be very needy, and unattractive.

It would be like a woman "needing" to be told she is beautiful, or lusted after. To me it just sounds vain and insecure. Wants are different than needs, after all.

If he thinks she is beautiful, he will not only tell her, he will show her. She will feel it. That is how she knows it is sincere.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

MrH needs to be adored and loved. He needs to be forgiven when he stuffs up. He needs to get an emotional connection via sex which is something I have had to work on as sex is not an emotional act for me. He needs to be recognised for being a good man, a good parent and a good partner.

One of his biggest emotional needs is for us to communicate effectively. He also needs his alone time, some peace and quiet away from the world, whether that is camping or spending a few hours reading, his job is stressful and he needs to unwind knowing that I am OK with him not being present (physically and emotionally) for this time.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Respect and appreciation. Not necessarily admiration, I'm not a pop idol to be put on the pedestal.

And Respect not in the career / provider / house repairs type sense but more as the type of person I am. Not my accomplishments - too many of those. 

In a nutshell, acceptance. Not a big issue if your guy is within six sigma of normalcy, but for those of us who are beyond that in our ways, acceptance of who we are.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

jld said:


> If my husband needs respect and admiration, that has never been apparent to me. I have always known him to be secure in himself. That emotional self sufficiency is something I greatly respect and admire about him.
> 
> And that is good, because I could not give respect and admiration on some sort of "need" basis. Not sincerely, anyway.
> 
> ...


I think we need to define "need" here

Does your husband "need" your respect and admiration to be a fully functional human? Maybe not. If he is, as you say, emotionally secure, then he will always know he's solid even without your affirmation.

But we certainly do need that to believe we're in a good relationship. If a man of integrity, who took "'til death do we part" seriously, then this becomes an essential element of our living a meaningful life. 

That one can "just feel it" rather than need to be told verbally doesnt change the fact that that affirmation is an important element.

If you had no sense that your husband desired or was attracted to you, it would probably make you rather unhappy, even if you retained your self worth.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@Faithful Wife

Since that conversation, I have been more proactive in telling RE that I like his penis. I still don't was poetic about it, but I do express this in a way that is authentic to me, and that he appreciates.

I mentioned this in another thread, but I don't recall which one... RE and I do tell each other about every little detail, not because it's really all that interesting, but because it helps us to know how the other is feeling that day, and what we need from each other in that moment. We both can be pretty private when it comes to other people, but between ourselves, we've dropped any pretense of privacy a long time ago. We've agreed that we both want to have an honest and transparent relationship with one another, and this is a good foundation for that.

My not being forthcoming with compliments goes back to my FOO, specifically my mother (big shocker, I know). She taught me to always distrust anyone who was complimentary to me, because in her understanding, that means they want something from you; and by extension, she taught me not to extend compliments because others would think the same of me. So I not only find it hard to express words of admiration, I also have a hard time accepting them. My parents never expressed words of admiration to me, because my mother didn't want me to become too prideful. I think my father WOULD have, but my mother shut that down. So, for a long time, if anyone expressed words of admiration, I assumed they were lying to try to get something from me. It took me a very long time to learn that wasn't the case, but it's still hard for me to accept a compliment, especially if it's something I was always believed to be untrue about myself (like being pretty or attractive).

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

The rabble arrives. It's a two way street sweety.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I think we need to define "need" here
> 
> Does your husband "need" your respect and admiration to be a fully functional human? Maybe not. If he is, as you say, emotionally secure, then he will always know he's solid even without your affirmation.


Yes, he definitely is.



> But we certainly do need that to believe we're in a good relationship. If a man of integrity, who took "'til death do we part" seriously, then this becomes an essential element of our living a meaningful life.


I don't think he disregards my respect for him. And I am sure he is glad he has it.

My point is that he has it because he *earned* it. 

I don't think he was ever trying to, though. Just the way he is, his character, did that all by itself.



> That one can "just feel it" rather than need to be told verbally doesnt change the fact that that affirmation is an important element.


Sorry, I disagree. Not everyone needs affirmation. The more secure the person, the less that idea even enters their mind. At least that is how it looks to me.



> If you had no sense that your husband desired or was attracted to you, it would probably make you rather unhappy, even if you retained your self worth.


I would definitely wonder why he would want to be with me. I would surely ask him about it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

jld said:


> The more secure the person, the less that idea even enters their mind. At least that is how it looks to me.


This goes back to my statement about the definition of "need." Now only exactly what is need, but what is the need for? The secure person may not need it to have this for his self worth, but he will still need it to know he is in a solid relationship. If he feels no appreciation, he will know he is not in a good relationship. 

One of two things may result for this hypothetical strong person.
1. He may have the self confidence to leave an either pursue a more balanced relationship or live a solitary life or...
2. He may have the strength and commitment to remain in the suboptimal relationship and be okay with that. 

Either way, these alternatives are lesser to being in a well rounded relationship (for most people), no matter how "secure" he may be. He can be strong or secure in either scenarion, but one is more fulfilling, or at least more pleasurable, than the other.




jld said:


> I would definitely wonder why he would want to be with me. I would surely ask him about it.


Are you saying that this wouldn't concern you, at least a little? You may well be strong enough to handle this, but would you still not at least prefer the alternative?


I find your statements interesting in light of your signature block. _ "One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax."_

It sounds like you _need_, (or at least appreciate) a man strong enough to handle your storms. But isn't standing by you through such storms itself a very powerful declaration of affirmation? That's exactly what that quote is saying! Earlier, you said a wife who needs to be told she's beautiful is "vain and insecure," But that quote just speaks to a need for a different kind of security.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

I dunno for me it seems a bit different. For example I don't need my wife to tell me things to feel that she respects me.
I feel self respect is almost more important. I know that I provided a kind of life for her and my family that not every husband could have provided and do things for her that not every woman could experience. It's not just about going to stay at most expensive hotels/resorts in the world or never have denied her anything she could wish but also about being present more often than other husbands can be. I often feel she makes me want to be a better person overall. Which I guess is kind of selfish, at the end. But all relationships are symbiotic in their nature.

I don't need her to tell me compliments to feel respected or to tell me how amazing my penis is - it's more important for me to see how she enjoys all those things.
Maybe I'm cynical but words don't mean so much to me. People often say things they don't necessarily mean. That's also true of hurtful words. (that's not to say it's not nice to hear nice things occasionally. But only if they are meant sincerely. And they have more value if they are not said all the time).

The only area I seem to have (occasional) self doubts is when I begin (over) analysing her (strange, how that seems to coincide if we haven't had sex for a while) and wonder whether there's something I'm not doing right or that perhaps there's somebody more suitable for her out there who could make her happier (not just sexually). I know it's very primitive. 
But I think I could still cope & function during those phases though it's not easy. Usually she is intelligent enough to 'come around' and realises when something feels 'missing'. At least so far this is how it's been.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> This goes back to my statement about the definition of "need." Now only exactly what is need, but what is the need for? The secure person may not need it to have this for his self worth, but he will still need it to know he is in a solid relationship. If he feels no appreciation, he will know he is not in a good relationship.
> 
> One of two things may result for this hypothetical strong person.
> 1. He may have the self confidence to leave an either pursue a more balanced relationship or live a solitary life or...
> ...




I don't think the two are necessarily mutually exclusive. I think the discussion is not so much whether affirmation or respect is needed but about the _type_ of affirmation that is most effective in a given relationship. Different couples have different 'requirements'.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> This goes back to my statement about the definition of "need." Now only exactly what is need, but what is the need for? The secure person may not need it to have this for his self worth, but he will still need it to know he is in a solid relationship. If he feels no appreciation, he will know he is not in a good relationship.
> 
> One of two things may result for this hypothetical strong person.
> 1. He may have the self confidence to leave an either pursue a more balanced relationship or live a solitary life or...
> ...


This person is not hypothetical. I am talking about my own husband. He just is not needy.



> Are you saying that this wouldn't concern you, at least a little? You may well be strong enough to handle this, but would you still not at least prefer the alternative?


I certainly want him to be happy with me. But I can only do so much. If he were no longer to be attracted to me, then we would likely have to take a hard look at the future of the relationship.

Just cannot see that happening with my husband, though. He is too stable for that.



> I find your statements interesting in light of your signature block. _ "One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax."_
> 
> It sounds like you _need_, (or at least appreciate) a man strong enough to handle your storms. But isn't standing by you through such storms itself a very powerful declaration of affirmation? That's exactly what that quote is saying! Earlier, you said a wife who needs to be told she's beautiful is "vain and insecure," But that quote just speaks to a need for a different kind of security.


I don't think it is the same. While a woman might want to be valued for her beauty, she needs to know she will have adequate food and water. The latter are true needs.

I think commitment, as demonstrated by weathering a woman's emotions, is needed for a stable relationship. Emotional connection is essential; flattery is not.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

jld said:


> This person is not hypothetical. I am talking about my own husband. He just is not needy.
> 
> I certainly want him to be happy with me. But I can only do so much. If he were no longer to be attracted to me, then we would likely have to take a hard look at the future of the relationship.


Right. And no matter how solid you are, you would still prefer him to "be happy with you" than the alternative. It is not a "need" for your existence, but it is an important part of you having the best life possible rather than something less. 



jld said:


> I think commitment, as demonstrated by weathering a woman's emotions, is needed for a stable relationship. Emotional connection is essential; flattery is not.


Right! There is still a need there. It need not be expressed in the form of flattery, but as you say, emotional connection is "necessary." Anything which is "necessary" is, by its very definition, a need. Do you not think "commitment" is a form of affirmation? If the commitment is lost, you've certainly lost affirmation. Commitment (in the context of a relationship) and affirmation are completely intertwined.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Right. And no matter how solid you are, you would still prefer him to "be happy with you" than the alternative. It is not a "need" for your existence, but it is an important part of you having the best life possible rather than something less.


I would indeed be sad not to make him happy. I would feel really funny being in a relationship with a man if I could not make him happy.



> Right! There is still a need there. It need not be expressed in the form of flattery, but as you say, emotional connection is "necessary." Anything which is "necessary" is, by its very definition, a need. Do you not think "commitment" is a form of affirmation? If the commitment is lost, you've certainly lost affirmation. Commitment (in the context of a relationship) and affirmation are completely intertwined.


I think commitment comes from him, from his character. It does not change based on what I do.

His commitment certainly does reassure me. 

I do not feel entitled to it, though. I just feel lucky to have it.


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