# Help! Depressed. I need advice.



## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have a son and a daughter. Our relationship has not been so good since the beginning of last year. If you have a successful long-term relationship/marriage, please give me some advice. I need help. Thanks.

My husband does not have much patience. He is dominating as well. Even he says he likes independent women, but sometimes I feel he should just have an obedient woman who obeys him. I have been keeping telling him that I need a soft man who can treat me like a tender flower. Overall, we had our moments but relationship seemed to be good until the beginning of last year. 

He became quite irritable, grumpy, grouchy, complaining a lot, blaming me a lot, yelling at me... He was not only unhappy about me, he also complained about work, complained about our realtor... I googled and suspected he was having a midlife crisis. He denied it. Early this year, he said to me that he thought about it, if everything looks wrong to him, that must be himself is wrong. He felt sorry about the way treating me last year. I didn't expect him to change overnight, but his words made me feel better. 

Later we went on a vacation. He had been complaining that we did not have family vacations last year. So I was hoping we could have a good time and he would feel better. One day when we were in the car deciding where to go, he suddenly became grumpy again. First he told me my breath stinks. Then I suggested a couple of places to go. He kept saying impatiently "No. I don't want to go there". So I said how about you suggest. He raised his voice yelling at me" So you don't know where we should go?" I was so angry and sad for him being such an ass. Then he started driving and tried to hold my hand. I refused. He said I should not be angry and please talk to the kids in back seats. I told him he was treating me poorly and we need a talk. Later when we were at a restaurant, he tasted his food and told the waiter that the food was terrible. He looked so mad my daughter asked me why dad was so mad. That evening he yelled at me. He said " We need a serious talk. I have not been happy for a year." I thought he implied that was my fault. We did not talk more because of the kids. We continued our vacation wanting our kids to enjoy it. Inside my heart ached. I had difficulties swallowing things for one week. I thought that was the ending of our relationship. Came back from vacation, I talked with him about this. He said sorry and he did not quite remember what happened and what he said to me there. But our fight during the vacation did sadden me deeply I feel. 

Last week, he yelled at me again for something. He said sorry to me 30 minutes later. Now he still says he loves me. But I feel depressed and when I see him, I worry about him being grumpy again. I keep thinking about him treating me poorly like that. I was like a repugnant person to him when he yelled at me. He has a mean and harsh side and has showed it to me a lot in the past year. I imagine me living alone with kids, where I'm going to buy the house, how I will handle the financial things...I think about the reasons for his behavior. I think the reasons maybe:

1. He has more work pressures now. The company did lay-off once last year and could do more at any time in the future.

2. He is in his mid-life crisis.

3. I have my short-comings. I'm kind of cool. I don't smile too much, don't talk to him so much ( especially last year I was obsessed with my i-pad). I did not shown enough affection to him. He complained about it a lot. 

4. He has changed his sleeping pattern so we don't get to spend much quality time with each other. Our sex is only about once a month. 

5. Seven year itch. Now all we see other other are short-comings. 

Thank you for reading this long story. I just need to get this out of my chest. Any advice are welcome. Thanks.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I have been him in the past. He is having an affair.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

My guess is stress and lack of affection and sex. Have you tried uping the amount of loving you give him? That would probably help with his stress, make him less cranky and bring you two closer together.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Maybe HE is in a depression and needs to seek professional help. Can you make an appt with his doc? At least to rule out any physical problems. It's hard to tell he could be super stressed from work, my own hubs is like that. 

The one thing that stands out for me, is that he said he hasn't been happy for the last year. Do you suspect an affair? Why has his sleep pattern changed? Schedule changes or due to stress?


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## Sillyputty (Jan 22, 2013)

over20 said:


> Maybe HE is in a depression and needs to seek professional help. Can you make an appt with his doc? At least to rule out any physical problems. It's hard to tell he could be super stressed from work, my own hubs is like that.
> 
> The one thing that stands out for me, is that he said he hasn't been happy for the last year. Do you suspect an affair? Why has his sleep pattern changed? Schedule changes or due to stress?


I'm not one that jumps straight to "affair" based on what you have described. Wife and I been married for 16 years and 3 kids, all the stress it brings can make a person feel overwhelmed, hopeless and helpless... add in work, finances, 6:00 news and bingo instant a-hole suddenly appears.  I'm not excuses his behavior in any way, only trying shed light on the causes. If he was irritable or nasty to begin with, stress will only exacerbate the problem. I have done some things completely out of character due to stress, even some mild attempts to derail the marriage so I wouldn't have to deal with all the stress. My main advice right now (if you are committed to making it work)... give him space (especially when grumpy), stay positive (to the degree you are able) and spice it up in the bedroom so to speak... they don't call it making love for nothing!


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

Thank you all for your replies above.

I don't think he is having affair. We basically have no social life now and we work together at the same floor. We only have dumb phones and he is not into on- line chatting.

He said he is getting old so he changed his sleeping pattern. At 9:30 pm after I put kids in bed, he is tired and going to bed. So we don't have much time together. Then I still need to prepare lunch boxes and shower then maybe watch tv to relax. I went to bed at midnight. He got up at 5'o clock to go to work and pick up my son at 4:30 pm then went home preparing dinner. Every time I ask him why he is grouchy, he said he is tired. His life has a lot of pressure. I don't feel more pressure than before. Maybe men are more sensitive about work, maybe his age...so he has emotion swings.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Sillyputty said:


> I'm not one that jumps straight to "affair" based on what you have described. Wife and I been married for 16 years and 3 kids, all the stress it brings can make a person feel overwhelmed, hopeless and helpless... add in work, finances, 6:00 news and bingo instant a-hole suddenly appears.  I'm not excuses his behavior in any way, only trying shed light on the causes. If he was irritable or nasty to begin with, stress will only exacerbate the problem. I have done some things completely out of character due to stress, even some mild attempts to derail the marriage so I wouldn't have to deal with all the stress. My main advice right now (if you are committed to making it work)... give him space (especially when grumpy), stay positive (to the degree you are able) and spice it up in the bedroom so to speak... they don't call it making love for nothing!



With all due respect I did not "jump" to an affair. I respectfully considered all avenues of the OP's situation at hand.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Coco2014 said:


> Thank you all for your replies above.
> 
> I don't think he is having affair. We basically have no social life now and we work together at the same floor. We only have dumb phones and he is not into on- line chatting.
> 
> He said he is getting old so he changed his sleeping pattern. At 9:30 pm after I put kids in bed, he is tired and going to bed. So we don't have much time together. Then I still need to prepare lunch boxes and shower then maybe watch tv to relax. I went to bed at midnight. He got up at 5'o clock to go to work and pick up my son at 4:30 pm then went home preparing dinner. Every time I ask him why he is grouchy, he said he is tired. His life has a lot of pressure. I don't feel more pressure than before. Maybe men are more sensitive about work, maybe his age...so he has emotion swings.



Do you any family that can offer YOU unbiased support?


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

over20 said:


> Do you any family that can offer YOU unbiased support?


I don't want family members to know those details. That's why I come here to ask.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Ok, I understand.


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## bestwife (May 10, 2014)

I thing problem could be in his carrier. Maybe he have some health problem, lots of things can be mixed here.

You must think again what changed last year when everything started. There could be a reason.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Coco please keep us updated.....


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

*He is depressed or I'm depressed?*

I’m just so sad, so confused, so depressed and feel so helpless. I so want somebody to help me, to give me some directions about my relationship. 

Why he is like this? Is it he, or is it me? The last man on earth I want to be with is an angry and impatient man. I believe he has mild anger issue. Last year, he definitely has an anger issue. It might caused by a clinical depression. The depression might be triggered by pressure from work and family life. 

At beginning, I fought with him and then we made up. Later, I felt it was useless. Because he just had the unpredictable outburst so frequently that, I could not fight with him every time. Also because he said he was “tired of the crap”. By saying crap, he means “fight and make up later”. Sometimes I just felt like walking on eggshells at home and did not know when a bomb would drop on me. So I just tried to avoid conflicts by keeping silent and trying to put my mind away. I was sad and confused and hoped I could weather it out. 

This year he was getting better. However, our San Diego trip was the worst vacation experience ever. Everything went fine until we got into the car, then he had this unpredictable outburst out of nowhere. He was yelling at me and said mean things to me. Ten minutes later, he backed to normal. But I could not, I got feelings. I accused him treating me poorly. Then he got furious and did not treat the bartender nicely in the restaurant. When we went back to hotel, he shouted at me” We need a serious talk. I have not been happy for a while.” I thought he means he has not been happy in our marriage because of me. I thought that our relationship was coming to the end. For the rest of trip, I just remained calm; just want to give the kids a happy trip before we ended our relationship. Inside I was deeply saddened. For a week, I felt I had difficulties swallowing things because I felt like there was a big stone pressing on my chest. I had never experience that before. When we backed home, I asked him, he seemed did not plan to talk. He said himself felt sad, not because of me. 

Anyway, past is past, but it left scars. Now I am just so nervous about his emotions. Once I see he is angry or impatient, I just feel sad and thinking: he is angry again, he is angry again. I do not want to live my life like this. BTW, he always has the trait of impatient and panic when things come up. 

I think besides the pressure from work, his anger also mainly stem from his personalities. He has a rigid view of how things should be, so he is often frustrated since reality most of the time does not go his way. He also is domineering and has a strong need of control. When he feels things are not under his control, he gets angry.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I can't imagine living like this. You must walk on eggshells around him. He needs to get some professional help. It sounds like he is suffering from depression and anxiety and is taking it out on you and the children. I would leave him until he does.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Coco, you need to stick up for yourself. He's obviously having problems controlling his emotions--whether the anger is justified or not, he's not expressing it in a productive manner. You can't wait around for him to figure himself out if it's hurting you. Demand marriage counseling. Tell him you're not going to accept that kind of treatment any more and be prepared to back up your words.

If you can get him onboard to start dealing with these issues, this book might be of help to him:

No More Mr Nice Guy: Robert A. Glover: 9780762415335: Amazon.com: Books

He's under job stress, he's not happy with his marriage (we don't know why because he won't say), and he's becoming angry and domineering--that sounds to me like he's feeling like he doesn't have any control over what's important to him in his life, so he's manifesting that through angry behavior, rather than dealing with it productively. Classic "Nice Guy", imo.

Make no mistake, while the bulk of the heavy lifting will probably be his, be prepared to work with him once you get to the root of what's bothering him.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon coco2014
You are feeling depressed because he is treating you very badly -your reaction is completely reasonable. 

Can you get couples counseling? This situation doesn't sound like it will get better by itself. We are only seeing one side of this story, but it doesn't sound like you are the problem.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

Coco...I don't have advice on how to fix your marriage. But I do have some advice on how you should fix you.

I went through a very long marriage with a man that got more and more sullen, moody, irritable and angry over time. He expected me to manage the kids, the home, meals and to work full-time. That was actually fine with me as I've always preferred to manage the domestic tasks by myself...but what wasn't ok was that I did all of that and had to deal with his moodiness.

For a long time, I let his mood affect me and my life. If he came home in a funk...which was often...I'd ask him what was wrong. Try to get him to change his attitude. And when he didn't, my mood would also become depressive.

I finally smartened up. I realized that his moodiness was his f'ing problem. I'm a happy person. I don't want to be miserable all the time...so I stopped.

If he came home pissed off....I'd put his dinner on the table and go do my thing somewhere else. I stopped eating dinners with him. I would eat with the kids before he got home and they'd eat dessert with him. I started living my own life. I took walks, I worked out, I laughed. Basically I separated myself from his nonsense.

What happened was interesting. I realized he was completely useless to me. I was doing everything by myself. I could take care of the house, I could take of my own finances, I could manage the kids on my own...he was basically a worthless lump who brought in an income that he would often keep to himself. Plus I was getting back to being the real me. I looked great, I felt great and nothing he was going to do was gonna bring me down. I remember he tried to start insulting me to bring me down to his level. I'd just walk away laughing. 

In the reverse, he started getting clingy. He suddenly wanted to go with me everywhere. To the gym, shopping, etc. Which got irritating to me quick because I stopped wanting to be around him.

In my case, it led to divorce and I've never been happier. I literally love every single day of my life these days. I own my own home....I'm financially more stable than I've ever been...and my kids are happy because they have at least one very happy parent.

Now, I'm not suggesting you get divorced but I am suggesting that you stop letting him control your moods. If you start taking care of you and what you need and stop relying on him to make you happy...he'll either get his crap together and start making an effort...or he won't....either way, you'll be happy.

You cannot change him. You can make some suggestions to him to get counselling or to seek medical advice for depression or whatever. But if he refuses, oh well....he's a grown man and you're not his mom.

Bottom line, you need to pull back and separate your emotions from his and live your own life. Its almost like paying attention to a kid that's having a temper tantrum. What you should do is ignore them and give positive attention when he acts right. Ultimately, he'll either catch up or you'll leave him in the dust. The point is that you only get one life...and its up to you to live happy....only you can do that.

By the way: I met a new guy when I got separated. We've been together for 5 years. He's happy, fun, optimistic, and focused on my needs.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

*He has an issue or I have an issue?*

His good qualities are that he is hard working, loyal and has strong sense of responsibility. He is a good father. He treats the kids nicely especially when they were little. He got upset about my daughter yesterday because he thought she had an attitude. She is 11 now. He is nice to my son because he is only 4 now. 

He does not think he has an anger issue because he does not abuse me or hit me. He just snaps at me. A lot of yelling last year, not very much this year though. 

For example, a couple of days ago, we were trying to get out of the town for camping. But we needed to hit the store to buy some stuff before we left. At the store, he started to get grouchy and being short with me. When he could not find the stuff at one store, he stormed back into the car with a sulky face, slammed the door and drove fast to leave. He did not say anything, but I just felt so uncomfortable and nervous. 

Is it he has an issue or I have an issue? Am I too sensitive? Are many men like this because they are male animals? My father used to be similar too. I was wishing I could live with a soft man. I don't care if he is like a woman, or not masculine.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

*Re: He has an issue or I have an issue?*



Coco2014 said:


> His good qualities are that he is hard working, loyal and has strong sense of responsibility. He is a good father. He treats the kids nicely especially when they were little. He got upset about my daughter yesterday because he thought she had an attitude. She is 11 now. He is nice to my son because he is only 4 now.
> 
> *He does not think he has an anger issue because he does not abuse me or hit me. He just snaps at me. A lot of yelling last year, not very much this year though. *
> For example, a couple of days ago, we were trying to get out of the town for camping. But we needed to hit the store to buy some stuff before we left. At the store, he started to get grouchy and being short with me. When he could not find the stuff at one store, he stormed back into the car with a sulky face, slammed the door and drove fast to leave. He did not say anything, but I just felt so uncomfortable and nervous.
> ...


Verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse. It doesn't have to leave a bruise.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

Nikita2270 said:


> Coco...I don't have advice on how to fix your marriage. But I do have some advice on how you should fix you....


Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm glad you get back to your happy life. I agree with many of your words. We are all responsible for our own happiness. 

My husband does have good qualities. He is hard working, take responsibilities, sharing the house work, loyal and a good father. He just has no patience and is not a soft and attentive man. He got the anger issue last year when the company's culture is changing and got more pressures. 

He gets up early and goes to bed early. I get up late and go to bed late. Since last year, we have this separate schedule which leads to separate life. We basically only see each other at dinner time and a couple of house after that. Not so much sex as well due to the separate schedule. He said he did not like it and want the family to spend more time together. But anyway, this is what we have now. 

I'm also trying to figure out how to fix myself. I could get depressed sometimes as well. I don't smile so much and not a very warm person. But I'm calm, soft and easy going. I don't have very high standard for general people. I'm not judgmental and can get along with most people. I'm just very sensitive about how my boyfriend or husband treats me, I want him to be soft, soft and soft. My dad was not very soft either. Is that a guy thing?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

What you are describing is not a guy thing, no. Your husband has problems.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but... You want a "soft man". But you didn't chose a soft man. Instead, you married a man like your father. Now how do you change him to the man you want him to be? Good luck with that...

And no, you're not being oversensitive. Being around someone who's constantly short tempered would be uncomfortable at best for most people. But your expectations of magically transforming him are unrealistic, as this is who you married and it will be difficult if not impossible to get him to see the need to change. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Cocoa I understand what you have been through. My H has made more vacations and holidays than I can count miserable with being angry, giving me the silent treatment, refusing to walk with me, etc and most of the time I have no idea what I did to cause it. I have been with my H for 20+ years. There was another vacation planned this fall, but he will be doing that one alone since he was a *&% just before my son and his wife arrived . . . once again giving me the silent treatment and pretty much ignoring them while here. 

I hate the walking on eggshells - never knowing what will set him off.

How old are your children. Can you get out of this marriage now?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Coco

Sorry about your problems. Nikita gave you some good things to think about. My dad was similar to what you described and as a result I picked up on it as a young man. My situation was aggravated because I suffered from depression and luckily I had enough self insight I was able to recognize it and overcome its effects. It took me a while and caused some minor problems in my marriage but I was able to learn how to function normally. 

I still have some issues with depression (I'm 55yrs.) but am able to cope with it ok. I learned that the depressed person must be willing to admit to the problem and seek help. If said person is too proud, stubborn or in denial then I don't know what you can do except tolerate and fight or leave. 

I also learned that diet and exercise are very important to help the depressed person. Medication may help also, but be aware that its effects may not last very long. It's common to constantly be trying new meds/doses to get the help needed. I spent years trying low doses of a variety of meds and finally settled down to using only diet and exercise. Guess I'm lucky.

Also be aware that some meds can have horrific side effects that are still not fully understood. Permanent loss of sex drive is one that is becoming apparent in some folks. 

I get the impression your husband has a depression issue, perhaps combined with other issues. Depressed people truly suffer and often don't realize it, so they try to cope by assigning cause to the effects they are feeling. This translates to them being huge fault finders and being hyper critical which strains their relationships. People suffering from depression deserve empathy, but you can't let them suck you into a black hole of destruction if they are determined to go there. 

I recommend you do a modified version of the 180 in order to attain a higher level of independence from your husband. Try to bond with him and nurture the relationship, but show him you can succeed without him if needed. Don't be clingy or needy. 

You will need to prepare yourself for "the talk". This is where you wait for an opportunity to communicate with him uninterrupted and calmly. You do not want to be accusing to him, just explain what you have been feeling and what you think will happen to your marriage if things do not change. Telling him how much you love him will help him to drop his defensive posture so you can get through to him. Do not let him escalate the talk into an argument or a list of your faults. If he will listen, fine, but if not it may take divorce papers to show him you mean what you say. Don't threaten divorce if you don't mean it. I wouldn't even threaten divorce if I did mean it, I would just serve the papers. 

I feel that marriage is worth working for and that too many give up prematurely. (unless an affair is going on) You are going through what I saw my mom experience decades ago. She stuck with it and prevailed, but it took a lot of work to do it. My dad has been gone two decades now and I recently asked mom if it was worth it and she said yes. I hope you will get there too. Best wishes.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

Katiebird said:


> Cocoa I understand what you have been through. My H has made more vacations and holidays than I can count miserable with being angry, giving me the silent treatment, refusing to walk with me, etc and most of the time I have no idea what I did to cause it. I have been with my H for 20+ years. There was another vacation planned this fall, but he will be doing that one alone since he was a *&% just before my son and his wife arrived . . . once again giving me the silent treatment and pretty much ignoring them while here.
> 
> I hate the walking on eggshells - never knowing what will set him off.
> 
> How old are your children. Can you get out of this marriage now?


My son is 4 now. Your husband has passive anger. My husband has active anger. He used to be not bad, just always has no patience. One big reason I think he is like this now is that he does not handle pressure well. I hope things will work out. Since your kids are grow up now, you can leave if you want.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Coco
> 
> Sorry about your problems. Nikita gave you some good things to think about. My dad was similar to what you described and as a result I picked up on it as a young man. My situation was aggravated because I suffered from depression and luckily I had enough self insight I was able to recognize it and overcome its effects. It took me a while and caused some minor problems in my marriage but I was able to learn how to function normally. ..


Thank you for your reply. My husband previously never strikes me of a depressed person. He just never has much patience and is not a soft man. Actually, I’m the quieter and depressed one( I don't have serious depression though). Last year I did a lot of research on-line trying to figure out what’s going on with him. It was like he was in his menopause. 

I think one reason he is like this is that he does not handle pressure well. When the company culture changed and put more and more pressure on the employees, he did not take that well. He is getting better this year but I don’t think he is very well overall. Due to some health issue, he has already changed his diet to eat well and be more active.

I don’t know what is the 180? I have actually talked to him last weekend. I told him how I feel. He did not say anything when I talked and I could feel he was holding himself from being angry. Then he said he needs to think about it. Later he said he did not want to say something quickly because then he would get defensive. He said he knows his traits and need to improve, but it will take time, it won’t change overnight. His suggestion for me is more sex and come to bed earlier (We have different life schedule since last year. I go to bed late around 1:00 am. He always wants me to go to bed earlier so it is healthier for me and so I can get up earlier on Saturday and we can go out do something.)

There is another thing happened yesterday and made him mad at me. I will tell in below post.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

Yesterday, due to my neglect, I was driving on the new tar that the city just laid down. My H was so mad at me. He reprimanded me. He thought about all the worst cases. Not only because our car was splashed all over with tar, but also he worried that the city might come after us for a big fine. Later he said sorry that he was so angry. He just could not imagine why I did it without thinking. 

He is a very cautious man and often worry about things. Me on the other hand, I think a lot about emotional things but not practical things. I'm not aware about my surroundings. 

He does not take pressure well. Since last year, he kept worrying about laying off. The company did lay-off in Oct. Then everybody knows it was not over. He kept saying that it is coming, coming again. He has been working very hard this year. It seems the lay-off will happen again this year. At this moment, I think it will be hard to ask him to focus working on our relationship. 

I'm not sure what to do. I want to stay positive and stay happy. I want a soft man and that seems is not going to happen. My dad is not a soft man, my ex-boyfriend is not a soft man, my H is not a soft man. There might be something is wrong with me? I'm just rambling now...


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

I just read through your thread for the first time and as I was reading through it, even before I got to your last couple of posts, I was wondering how your sex life was going. Then you state a couple of posts up "His suggestion for me is more sex and come to bed earlier". BINGO!

I know I get grumpy after 3 days without. We're at a 6 week drought currently and I know I feel more distant, want to touch her less, get grumpy faster, etc...disconnected. 

He sounds like he has difficulty communicating his troubles, possibly for fear of hurting you and or maybe not even fully understanding it himself. He may be feeling disconnected because, you two aren't connecting.

Keep him talking! It sounds like he's been trying to talk about it, but having trouble getting it out of himself.


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## Macdonals (Sep 2, 2014)

coco,

I understand how you feel; you want answers. I have been behaving a bit like your H has. I have come to this forum seeking advice, and overall I have gotten good advice.

I had a revelation today; I am passive aggressive. I thought my wife was the problem. But I'm looking at myself, and much like your H, I realized that if I smell **** everywhere, it has to be me. I feel he may be suffering from this too.

So I got some books, and reached out to a mental health professional.

I'm sorry I can't offer advice, but it might make you feel better that you are helping other people and if your husband can come to some realizations things might get better.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

4x4 said:


> I just read through your thread for the first time and as I was reading through it, even before I got to your last couple of posts, I was wondering how your sex life was going. Then you state a couple of posts up "His suggestion for me is more sex and come to bed earlier". BINGO!
> 
> I know I get grumpy after 3 days without. We're at a 6 week drought currently and I know I feel more distant, want to touch her less, get
> 
> Keep him talking! It sounds like he's been trying to talk about it, but having trouble getting it out of himself.


I think you are right. I don't feel we are connecting either. I feel we are both not happy. Our dynamic has been that I make him angry and he makes me sad. It seems there is constant frictions between us. Just not connecting, not happy.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Do you know what your and his love languages are? It might help you to grow closer again if you did. The relevant book is the Five Love Languages.

Also might be worth looking at the book His Needs Her Needs, if only to become a little bit more knowledgeable about the inner dynamics of marriage.

Good luck.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

I have been depressed for a while. I know it is not good for me. Actually, he did not do much to piss me off. It is basically all happened in my own mind. I have been keeping thinking and thinking. I feel sad and angry about the past year how he treated me. Maybe I should just let it go and not keep replaying the past unpleasant moments in my head. He said I cannot let it go and focus too much on the negatives. 

Recent a couple of time, I pointed out that the tone he talked me was impatient( one time turned out to be misunderstanding). He must feel I was picking on him. He said I focus too much on his flaws. He said it was nothing and I made it a big deal then I felt sour and he felt angry. 

I have decided to focus more on myself, not on him. I want to make some improvements for myself to be a better person, not primarily for him. He always like my touches so I normally massage him for a little while everyday. I try to up the sex more frequently. I should have gone to bed earlier to get better rest which is also something he always wishes me to do. So far I'm still not able to change that bad habit of staying up late. I have the intention to read those two books : 5 love languages and his need her need. But right now we are busy because we just bought a house. 

Tonight he came to good night before he went to bed. I was sitting in the chair so he bent down giving me a light kiss. I wanted to give him a longer kiss so I tried to hold his neck down. He gave me a dirty look said that was an awkward position and was not comfortable. Maybe I was kind of forceful. But anyway, I feel resentment are growing inside. Just feel no connection and just frictions. 

Sometimes I feel I really need to talk to a counselor about what's going on in my head. I might be driving myself crazy. But maybe later, let's focus on the new house now. Thanks for TAM so I have a place to vent.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

I have been reading on internet, reading on TAM and trying to learn.

I think I kind of figure out what was going on last year. Due to the work pressure, worrying about job security, kids, housework(he did dinner cooking every day including Sat and Sun) and I was pushing to buy a new house, he got depression under all these stress. He had most of the symptom of men's depression I read on-line, like irritability, anger, fatigue...

Actually, I got depression too since I also have some of the women's depression symptoms: feeling sad, avoiding conflicts, having trouble setting boundaries... 

I know we need to make changes in our relationship. For the last two years, we are in the valley. He knows too. He used to say our relationship was good. Now he just say our relationship was OK. He probably does not want to say too much to cause troubles. 

I know I should just focus on "fixing myself". Because I noticed that when I focused on " fixing him", that did not improve anything just caused more conflicts and resentment. When I talked with him about us, normally it was about pointing out his flaws. 

So now I don't want to talk about our relationship anymore. I shall just make the changes and be a better person. Stop focusing on his flaws. Stop replaying the past moments that I think he did not treat me nicely. That does not do anything constructive, just put me in bad mood. 

Shall I just do this without communicating my real thoughts with him? Shall I just do this without expecting this will save our marriage and bringing it to a better level? Shall I just do this no matter he will come on board with me or not? I will just keep moving on with him or without him? At this point, shall we go to see the counselor? 

let me focus on myself first...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Coco2014 said:


> Our sex is only about once a month.
> .


yeah, all those other ideas are not very important. THIS one you must fix, now. Make it 3 times a week, without fail. Come back in 1 month and tell us how he is acting THEN.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

I was hoping things would get better and our relationship would improve. However, more things happened and our life sucks.

We have just bought a house. We closed the house on Friday and the next Monday, my hubby’s whole section was laid off. The worst thing he had been worried for the last whole year happened. He still has a few months working here while looking for a new job. That happened two weeks ago. During that time, I had been very calm, very positive and supportive to him. He said I handled it really well. If our roles switched, he would not react as well as I did. He told his mom that he is luck to have me in his life. 

BTW, we both work for the same company. My job is not stable either since we all suspect the company is going to shut down our office in one year or two. He feels he has the pressure to get a new job for our family’s financial security. 

Then we decided to still move into the new house since it is already a done deal. I handled all the arrangements for hiring people come to do work on the new house to get it ready for us to move in. I did more work so he could have less pressure. Last weekend, we both worked really hard packing things and transporting small stuff to the new house. So Sunday the mover came to move the furniture to the new house. After the mover was gone, he started to assemble furniture and set up our cable TV, phone and internet system. I was busy setting up our bedroom. 

He got frustrated when working on the furniture. I heard him cursing and banging things. I knew he could do it but he was just not emotionally calm. Later when he worked on the cable, he yelled my name loudly. And he said “No matter what you are doing, STOP! I need your help”. He wanted me to help him to find a cable which I had no idea how it looks like. He sounded angry. I was not happy him talking to me like that. So I said I don’t know where the cable is. I asked him why he was so angry. He walked into the kitchen, saw my son’s LEGO, he just threw it to the carpet. I saw the LEGO flew everywhere. He being crazy pissed me off. I screamed at him “YOU STOP!” He calmed down a little bit and said he was on the phone with Comcast and need help to find the cable. Later we went to the restaurant. On the way he was angry at those cars that he thought they drove too slow and were in his way. After dinner, he said he felt better and sorry he was being grouch because he was tired, hungry and stressed. He said he really does not like moving. 

I know he worked really hard that weekend. He even skipped lunch. If this only happened once or twice a year, I can understand. But not only moving makes him stressed, travelling makes him stressed, working moves him stressed too. The problem is, he does not handle pressure well. When things come up, he just flips out or panic. Then he lashes it out on me. He never physically punched me, but he emotionally punched me. I’m just like his punch bag. At least that’s how I feel and makes me feel really sad and depressed. 

He is a very loyal guy, working hard, good to the kids and helps in the house. He has a strong sense of responsibility. But his attitude sucks. Especially recent a couple of years, maybe because our life has more and more pressure now as we reach our middle age, he becomes grouch and grumpy frequently. I feel he was emotionally rough to me. 

I have wanted to see a marriage counselor for more than one year. Sometimes I feel maybe I should go to see a personal counselor to see if it is the marriage makes me unhappy, or it is me being depressed so I focus too much on his flaws? Sometimes I feel he needs to go to see a counselor to control his emotions better. But I did not mention to him because I don’t want to add more pressure to him. Furthermore, we need to save money at this moment. 

Due to our current situation: unstable jobs and just moved in a new house, we cannot separate either. Last two nights were our first nights in the new house. Both nights I cried myself into sleep. I don’t feel connection with him. I don’t feel caring and loving from him (when he has a good mood, he shows loving and caring). I don’t feel relaxed around him since I worry he would get angry when things don’t go smoothly. I don’t want to go vacation with him because of our last unpleasant experience. I’m not happy but I don’t know what to do. I’m not worried about our jobs since we could always find something else. It is our relationship makes me sad. I feel we have reached a point that we have to do something drastically to change our relationship otherwise; it is heading to a divorce. But what shall I do? He probably thinks our relationship is OK since I’m the soft one and he is the grouch one. Maybe I should go to see a counselor for my own sanity.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

I have tried to up our sex life. It seems he is not very interested. He accepted it and liked it but I initiated it every time. If I did not, then he is OK not having sex.


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

Any suggestions? Am I reasonable? Should I go to see a counselor?


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