# My husband has called it quits...



## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

For a couple of years, my husband had been showing signs of depression and anxiety and 5 months ago, he was finally convinced to go see his doctor. He was put on meds and appeared to be feeling better.

Our marriage has been full of life, love, commitment, and fun. We never argue and have always been happy together, or so I thought.

A few months ago, he decided to share with me that he wasn't happy in our 25-year marriage, and it began a few years ago. I was shocked and couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was sad, crying, begging him not to feel that way and didn't care how pathetic I looked. I was humiliated for my part in the begging but loved him so much and couldn't live without him. I would try and ask questions trying to pull something out of him. Why? Was it because of my size, (I'm a size 20), was it because I'm getting old (I'm 52), or was it because I'm not as social as he was? I work 50-60 hours a week and like to stay home sometimes. None of these were issues for him. I asked him if there was someone else. He promised me there wasn't. He loved me and begged me to go to marriage counseling with him, to which I agreed. He couldn't explain to me why he was feeling the way he did but felt that us talking it out with someone, would work.

Weeks went by and no word from the husband about getting an appointment, so I started trying. Finally got an appointment and was preparing myself mentally for it, when he decided to inform me that he no longer wanted to try working on our marriage because it wouldn't change his feelings and he asked for a divorce. I was completely broken, I physically ached all over, was sick to my stomach, and couldn't get out of bed for a week. I also had no one to talk to. I've had his family for 33 years, and I've called them my own. We have two teenage daughters who I broke the news to. They were completely shattered. I've had a lot of time to think about our 33 years together.

In the past 10 years, looking back at times when he would be short with me or snap at the girls for something, I would address it with him, but he would just say he was tired. I should have picked up on there being something wrong.

I've always done everything for myself and the girls. I've always asked for little things to be done around the house, just for some home improvement, but he never has time. He's quick to jump whenever a friend asks for help, and he has a lot of friends and is busy most weekends helping others. I've done everything for our daughters. Doctors, dentists, school activities, sports, shopping, vacations. He and I have only taken a handful of vacations together. He spends 2 months out of the year doing his own weekend vacations, and I've never complained....once. I've never minded him going because it's something he's loved.

It's now 2 months later and I'm no longer feeling shattered. I'm now angry and don't want to be near him or talk to him. He can't afford to move out so he's staying in our house, with me and our daughters, until he finds somewhere to go. We still don't argue but I stay away from him. I'm the one now asking when will the divorce papers be done, how is the house shopping going, and what furniture he wants to take. I'm ready for him to go. I can't move on with him living in the same house as me. We share the same group of friends who are supportive of both of us, but I no longer want to be with any of them. I want to be alone. He calls me frequently to chat and then tells me he loves me when we hang up (we always have). I don't call him. He comes and finds me every morning to give me a hug and tells me he loves me before he leaves for work (he always has). I no longer want to hear it. I quit begging to know why he wants out. That part was driving me crazy not knowing. I would have loved the opportunity to try and fix it. He still says he won't say and will never tell anyone, and I’ve quit asking. I think he has someone else.

I know this was long, but I just started typing and things just started flowing. I don't know what I'm looking for here, but I know there are many of you who have gone through this or going through this now. I'm going to continue to be strong and you should too. I know my faith has moved me to this point and I will continue to pray for others going through the same situation.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I’m sorry to hear this. 2 months worth of alone time is a huge red flag


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> I’m sorry to hear this. 2 months worth of alone time is a huge red flag


Yes, it is. I know that now.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your predicament is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

You might not be able to do anything about the living arrangements at the moment; but, you can put a stop to him acting like all is hunky dory. Don't talk to him unless it is about kids or finances; don't let him touch you; don't answer his calls and tell him to stop telling you he loves you because it is obvious he does not and possibly never did from the way he treated you and the household. It is possible he doesn't even know what love is.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> Your predicament is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
> 
> You might not be able to do anything about the living arrangements at the moment; but, you can put a stop to him acting like all is hunky dory. Don't talk to him unless it is about kids or finances; don't let him touch you; don't answer his calls and tell him to stop telling you he loves you because it is obvious he does not and possibly never did from the way he treated you and the household. It is possible he doesn't even know what love is.


I agree with you. He’s confusing me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So there is clearly something that has caused this but he refuses to tell you. That seems very cruel. 
As has been said I would stop him being lovey dovey, it's not helping and is hypocritical. 

Surely he has a family member he can stay with? Or he can rent a room elsewhere for now? 

Do you have any suspicions about what his reason could be?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

My friends husband would hunt alone for a week. He was hunting alright. How many years did he vacation alone?


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> So there is clearly something that has caused this but he refuses to tell you. That seems very cruel.
> As has been said I would stop him being lovey dovey, it's not helping and is hypocritical.
> 
> Surely he has a family member he can stay with? Or he can rent a room elsewhere for now?
> ...


His close brother is also going through a divorce and moved back in with their parents. I’ve told him to go live there since his brother has been his support system through this. I do have a gut feeling that he is seeing someone but swears he would never do that to me. I don’t believe him now.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP, but you're doing really well. Have you had any therapy? You sound depressed and lonely. It might help you to cope with moving forward. Take care of yourself, and please feel free to vent. Many of us have been where you are, it's no picnic.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> My friends husband would hunt alone for a week. He was hunting alright. How many years did he vacation alone?


He’s been in his hunting camp for 33 years, which is how long I’ve known him. Just the past few years this younger woman joined her dad who has been a member for 30+ years. I usually go up a few weekends out of the season and then all of thanksgiving week. The guys have a lot of “guy” weekends where the wives don’t go but this female is always there. My husband does a lot for her and I’ve always felt that something could be going on. I brought it up to him last year and he denies it.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> I'm sorry you're going through this, OP, but you're doing really well. Have you had any therapy? You sound depressed and lonely. It might help you to cope with moving forward. Take care of yourself, and please feel free to vent. Many of us have been where you are, it's no picnic.


I have really surprised myself too but no, I haven’t gone to therapy but want to and will set something up.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you were a guy and a woman was doing this to you, you would be told to open your eyes, realise that she is involved with someone else, grow a pair and stop waiting for her to make the moves while she lives comfortably in your home while you continue to support her and make life easy and comfortable for her while you suffer wondering if she is going to stay or go. 

I'm not sure why this is any different just because the genders are switched? 

He is living a comfortable domestic life while upending your life and making you live in instability and uncertainty while he takes his sweet time feathering his next nest. 

My advice is the same as those we give the guys in the same situation - TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR OWN LIFE AND TAKE MATTERS INTO YOUR HANDS AND YOUR OWN CONTROL. 

Don't sit by while he decides what will be most convenient for him on his own timeline while you lay awake suffering at night - toss his azz out!! 

Don't sit around wondering if and when he is going to file for divorce - YOU FILE!!

Don't torture yourself wondering if he is involved with someone else - you send him and his dirty underwear packing and live your own life to where you don't care what he's doing with his **** and feel free to start dating and getting out and having some fun yourself if that is what you want. 

In other words, don't leave your life up to him while takes his sweet time getting his next partner all line up and his next life all in order before he kicks you to the curb. 

YOU take charge of your own life and kick him to the curb and start living your best life of your own.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’m sorry you’re going through this tough time. I agree with oldshirt. For some reason, I can see your husband just living there indefinitely, but because he announced that he wants a divorce, he can do whatever he wants. And file whenever. 

Please don’t let him play with your heart and take advantage of your vulnerability. I would seek legal advice and weigh all your options.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your husband is rewriting marital history to justify his cheating. Find out who he is cheating with and stop answering the jerks calls. Why would he hurt you further by saying he loves you when he clearly does not? Rhetorical: So he can use you and hope your feelings for him give him a cheaper divorce, or do that you will be plan B if the land of unicorns falls through with his affair partner.

screw him. Pressure him to carry his rear


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

nsic25 said:


> He’s been in his hunting camp for 33 years, which is how long I’ve known him. Just the past few years this younger woman joined her dad who has been a member for 30+ years. I usually go up a few weekends out of the season and then all of thanksgiving week. The guys have a lot of “guy” weekends where the wives don’t go but this female is always there. My husband does a lot for her and I’ve always felt that something could be going on. I brought it up to him last year and he denies it.


My friends husband told her same thing. Not cool. He’s not going to admit it. He’s cheating with her


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> If you were a guy and a woman was doing this to you, you would be told to open your eyes, realise that she is involved with someone else, grow a pair and stop waiting for her to make the moves while she lives comfortably in your home while you continue to support her and make life easy and comfortable for her while you suffer wondering if she is going to stay or go.
> 
> I'm not sure why this is any different just because the genders are switched?
> 
> ...


Harsh, but true.

OP, time to give him what he wants. Go file instead of waiting for him to do it and set yourself free. I didn't realize how depressed and unhappy I'd been until I got away. The man and his latent dissatisfaction with everything were sucking the life out of me. I found out he'd been having an affair with a coworker and dumped him like a stinky diaper once I caught hold of myself. It took laying things out (I never even told the whole thing) on this forum and hearing people's views to wake me up.

Sometimes you second guess yourself until you tell someone what's going on and they affirm you're not crazy or being unreasonable. Pack his **** and tell him to go home! You can do so much better than this.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your husband is rewriting marital history to justify his cheating. Find out who he is cheating with and stop answering the jerks calls. *Why would he hurt you further by saying he loves you when he clearly does not? Rhetorical: So he can use you and hope your feelings for him give him a cheaper divorce, or do that you will be plan B if the land of unicorns falls through with his affair partner.*
> 
> screw him. Pressure him to carry his rear


Yup. My ex was shocked when I filed and packed my **** up and move to another town as soon as we signed a contract. He never thought I'd leave. All the while, he kept telling me he loved me, how beautiful I was, while screwing around with someone else. I couldn't understand how someone could be so two-faced because I wasn't.

It's a horribly confusing situation, but this is definitely a time OP needs to choose her.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> If you were a guy and a woman was doing this to you, you would be told to open your eyes, realise that she is involved with someone else, grow a pair and stop waiting for her to make the moves while she lives comfortably in your home while you continue to support her and make life easy and comfortable for her while you suffer wondering if she is going to stay or go.
> 
> I'm not sure why this is any different just because the genders are switched?
> 
> ...


Wow….wonderfully said and believe me, I’m taking in all of the advice here and it makes me feel better knowing that it’s okay to push him out. I think I’ve waited long enough.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your husband is rewriting marital history to justify his cheating. Find out who he is cheating with and stop answering the jerks calls. Why would he hurt you further by saying he loves you when he clearly does not? Rhetorical: So he can use you and hope your feelings for him give him a cheaper divorce, or do that you will be plan B if the land of unicorns falls through with his affair partner.
> 
> screw him. Pressure him to carry his rear


You guys are making me feel better about the pushing.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> Yup. My ex was shocked when I filed and packed my **** up and move to another town as soon as we signed a contract. He never thought I'd leave. All the while, he kept telling me he loved me, how beautiful I was, while screwing around with someone else. I couldn't understand how someone could be so two-faced because I wasn't.
> 
> It's a horribly confusing situation, but this is definitely a time OP needs to choose her.


Good for you! Sometimes It takes a lot of strength to move on. I know I will get there.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

nsic25 said:


> You guys are making me feel better about the pushing.


You’re going to feel really badly about the pushing. You’re going to hate you didn’t do it sooner. Because eventually you’ll find out he’s a cheating scumbag abd just using your feeling for him to his benefit. Please. See an attorney. He will have to pss we y for your attorney. Enjoy his troubles with getting what he wanted. He’s a rat


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

nsic25 said:


> He’s been in his hunting camp for 33 years, which is how long I’ve known him. Just the past few years this younger woman joined her dad who has been a member for 30+ years. I usually go up a few weekends out of the season and then all of thanksgiving week. The guys have a lot of “guy” weekends where the wives don’t go but this female is always there. My husband does a lot for her and I’ve always felt that something could be going on. I brought it up to him last year and he denies it.


This is starting to make sense.  Something I’ve noticed with other stories on here where infidelity is eventually discovered, is that in some of the cases, the cheater made everyone in their family believe they were suffering from anxiety or depression or whatever. Not saying some weren’t actually dealing with depression, but it seems to be a pattern with cheaters. Like they want to disguise the change in their mood (and shenanigans) with something that will garner sympathy. Ugh.

Better things await you, just keep staying strong.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

nsic25 said:


> Wow….wonderfully said and believe me, I’m taking in all of the advice here and it makes me feel better knowing that it’s okay to push him out. I think I’ve waited long enough.


Marriage is commitment, otherwise it is just hooking up or just a saturday night coffee date. 

You have a right to expect him to be committed or set you free. If he won't make a stand, it's ok to set yourself free. 

It's ok to take an "all in or all out" stand and put his feet to fire and say all it or all out and if he hmms and haws and says he's not sure, then you take action. And since you can't force committment out of him, you can only opt yourself out. 

That may be difficult and even heartbreaking, but then you are at least in control of your own destiny and while it may be sad, it is at least not crazy making and chronically soul crushing.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> This is starting to make sense.  Something I’ve noticed with other stories on here where infidelity is eventually discovered, is that in some of the cases, the cheater made everyone in their family believe they were suffering from anxiety or depression or whatever. Not saying some weren’t actually dealing with depression, but it seems to be a pattern with cheaters. Like they want to disguise the change in their mood (and shenanigans) with something that will garner sympathy. Ugh.
> 
> Better things await you, just keep staying strong.


I’ve wondered the same exact thing. I think the guilt was getting to him and now the meds are making him feel better which is allowing him to move me out of the way with less guilt. I hope I’m very wrong about this but he’s leaving me no choice but to assume he has someone else.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and reviewed your phone bill.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Marriage is commitment, otherwise it is just hooking up or just a saturday night coffee date.
> 
> You have a right to expect him to be committed or set you free. If he won't make a stand, it's ok to set yourself free.
> 
> ...


Very good point. I came across our marriage vows this weekend while cleaning out a closet and my heart broke again reading what he wrote and how he couldn’t commit to our vows and the birthday and valentine cards from 20 years ago where I felt he truly loved me. Made me sad again but it’s making me see how much he has truly changed.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Go online and reviewed your phone bill.


I have and there are a lot of phone numbers I don’t recognize but he also knows a ton of people.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Is hiring a private investigator for a short time feasible?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

nsic25 said:


> I have and there are a lot of phone numbers I don’t recognize but he also knows a ton of people.


You can usually download and sort. That may give you a clue. 
However, you can’t change or fix him. Sorry you’re here in a place you never expected to be.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

nsic25 said:


> His close brother is also going through a divorce and moved back in with their parents. I’ve told him to go live there since his brother has been his support system through this. I do have a gut feeling that he is seeing someone but swears he would never do that to me. I don’t believe him now.


You are correct. If there is someone else he’ll never tell you.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> You can usually download and sort. That may give you a clue.
> However, you can’t change or fix him. Sorry you’re here in a place you never expected to be.


I’ve said that so many times… I never in a million thought I would be going through this.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

A lot will flounder in these situations. Your best bet is to research a great divorce attorney. Look over 3 at least. You can usually get free consultations. Get strong and stay there. It’s hard I know but your options are limited. The other thing is if it were me I’d cut off contact. Many chase, etc. All that does is push them further away and keep you bound up in limbo.

The only one that can keep you in limbo hell is yourself. Put your time and effort into helping yourself. Let him go…..


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> Your predicament is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
> 
> You might not be able to do anything about the living arrangements at the moment; but, you can put a stop to him acting like all is hunky dory. Don't talk to him unless it is about kids or finances; don't let him touch you; don't answer his calls and tell him to stop telling you he loves you because it is obvious he does not and possibly never did from the way he treated you and the household. It is possible he doesn't even know what love is.





Marc878 said:


> A lot will flounder in these situations. Your best bet is to research a great divorce attorney. Look over 3 at least. You can usually get free consultations. Get strong and stay there. It’s hard I know but your options are limited. The other thing is if it were me I’d cut off contact. Many chase, etc. All that does is push them further away and keep you bound up in limbo.
> 
> The only one that can keep you in limbo hell is yourself. Put your time and effort into helping yourself. Let him go…..


Thanks for your advice on the attorneys and I appreciate your words. It helps.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

nsic25 said:


> I’ve said that so many times… I never in a million thought I would be going through this.


Most in your position say the same thing. A lot waste time chasing trying to save the marriage. It’s a waste of time. Marriage takes two. If you don’t have that you are wasting your time. You really need to understand you can’t fix or save this alone. Spend your time and effort on yourself. That is where your efforts need to be.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Most in your position say the same thing. A lot waste time chasing trying to save the marriage. It’s a waste of time. Marriage takes two. If you don’t have that you are wasting your time. You really need to understand you can’t fix or save this alone. Spend your time and effort on yourself. That is where your efforts need to be.


Thank you! I’m getting a lot of good advice from you all and it’s appreciated.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It’s probably to your benefit to cut off contact. If not you will just keep yourself bound.
You seem to be level headed and aren’t all over the place. That’s good. Write down what you need to do and focus on getting it done.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

nsic25 said:


> Thank you! I’m getting a lot of good advice from you all and it’s appreciated.


Keep posting. There is a wealth of information here for the most part. Take what you need and ignore the rest. Especially from those who have been where you are now.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> It’s probably to your benefit to cut off contact. If not you will just keep yourself bound.
> You seem to be level headed and aren’t all over the place. That’s good. Write down what you need to do and focus on getting it done.


That will be the next challenge for me…cutting things off. I don’t want to hurt my girls so I will need to do this the right way. I think I’ve done pretty well working my way thru this and I’m really surprising myself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

nsic25 said:


> That will be the next challenge for me…cutting things off. I don’t want to hurt my girls so I will need to do this the right way. I think I’ve done pretty well working my way thru this and I’m really surprising myself.


You aren’t hurting anyone. Get that out of your head now or suffer needlessly. It’s his actions. Wake up here!!! Sit the kids down and tell them the truth. Kids aren’t stupid. Keeping them in the dark just creates anxiety.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Keep posting. There is a wealth of information here for the most part. Take what you need and ignore the rest. Especially from those who have been where you are now.


I will do that!! 😊


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP
You don’t have to figure out if he’s cheating or not. He’s told you he’s done and you e realized he treats you badly. You know you don’t need him. 

just power through get an attorney and have him served papers. You don’t even have to tell him the papers can do the talking.

I agree with everyone else it’s time to stop being there for his hugs, his phone calls. Next phone call don’t answer and he can text you if it’s important.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

nsic25 said:


> For a couple of years, my husband had been showing signs of depression and anxiety and 5 months ago, he was finally convinced to go see his doctor. He was put on meds and appeared to be feeling better.
> 
> Our marriage has been full of life, love, commitment, and fun. We never argue and have always been happy together, or so I thought.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry. So he's never going to tell anyone and that makes me wonder if he discovered he is gay or something. 

I don't know why you're putting up with him staying there and pretending nothing's wrong. He needs to GTFO.

He owes you an explanation after this many years. He must be ashamed of himself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This is going to be hard enough without making it any harder than it needs to be. He’s taking himself out of your marriage and life. Focus solely on yourself and kids. LET HIM GO. He’s already gone anyway.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

nsic25 said:


> He’s been in his hunting camp for 33 years, which is how long I’ve known him. Just the past few years this younger woman joined her dad who has been a member for 30+ years. I usually go up a few weekends out of the season and then all of thanksgiving week. The guys have a lot of “guy” weekends where the wives don’t go but this female is always there. My husband does a lot for her and I’ve always felt that something could be going on. I brought it up to him last year and he denies it.


Something might not be going on at all if it's a young woman but he may be crushing on her and just lost feelings for you because of it. That's probably more like it. You'd probably have heard if there was actually something going on since it you seem to know those people.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> OP
> You don’t have to figure out if he’s cheating or not. He’s told you he’s done and you e realized he treats you badly. You know you don’t need him.
> 
> just power through get an attorney and have him served papers. You don’t even have to tell him the papers can do the talking.
> ...


Yep, absolutely correct. I know all I need to know now.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Get to an attorney and figure out your rights. Knowledge is power.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> This is going to be hard enough without making it any harder than it needs to be. He’s taking himself out of your marriage and life. Focus solely on yourself and kids. LET HIM GO. He’s already gone anyway.


Yep, Apparently I lost him years ago. I’m ready to take time for myself. My girls are older teens and are taking care of themselves for the most part and have proven that they are strong and want me to be happy.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@nsic25 - What would your ideal future be? Are you writing him off because you know that's best for you, or is it reactive to his behaviour? If he became the person you wish he had been, could be, would you still want to be together, or has he burned the bridges?

The reason this question comes up is because it makes a difference in terms of knowing what his motivations have been. Is there another woman, or is he just confused and depressed? Do you need to know the answer to that? If you feel the need to know, then perhaps it's just something you need for completion, or it's an indication that your present (and appropriate) aloofness could crumble.

Therapy will be a good opportunity to figure this stuff out.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

nsic25 said:


> Good for you! Sometimes It takes a lot of strength to move on. I know I will get there.


Girl, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I did it for me. I truly didn't deserve all the **** he put me through. Neither do you! 

Definitely go see a lawyer and get information about how to go about things and do one thing at a time. It's amazing once you've dumped him from your life, you'll see he's the one who was a millstone around your neck and it wasn't you "making" him unhappy. Some people are born to be miserable and make others so, but you don't have to choose to remain in this situation. You could go to sleep and not wake up, stress is a killer. Grab life by the balls and move forward, you and your children deserve it.



nsic25 said:


> Very good point. I came across our marriage vows this weekend while cleaning out a closet and my heart broke again reading what he wrote and how he couldn’t commit to our vows and the birthday and valentine cards from 20 years ago where I felt he truly loved me. Made me sad again but it’s making me see how much he has truly changed.


I left all that and the hidden food containers of homemade lunches I packed him (still full) and various hidden alcohol containers lined up on the bar when I left. It's amazing how they conveniently forget everything you ever did for them and how they said they feel about you when they catch the feels for someone else and treat you like garbage.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Something might not be going on at all if it's a young woman but he may be crushing on her and just lost feelings for you because of it. That's probably more like it. You'd probably have heard if there was actually something going on since it you seem to know those people.


I would hope that someone would tell me but it’s very possibly no one knows. She flirts with him all the time and has even done it while I’m around, not realizing I’m that close. I just have that feeling but like others have said here, it doesn’t matter if he is or not. He no longer wants me and I don’t want to be with someone who wants out.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

nsic25 said:


> I would hope that someone would tell me but it’s very possibly no one knows. She flirts with him all the time and has even done it while I’m around, not realizing I’m that close. I just have that feeling but like others have said here, it doesn’t matter if he is or not. He no longer wants me and I don’t want to be with someone who wants out.


Usually the spouse is the last one to know even if everyone else does. Your gut feelings are usually correct. 
These types of people aren’t your friends.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> @nsic25 - What would your ideal future be? Are you writing him off because you know that's best for you, or is it reactive to his behaviour? If he became the person you wish he had been, could be, would you still want to be together, or has he burned the bridges?
> 
> The reason this question comes up is because it makes a difference in terms of knowing what his motivations have been. Is there another woman, or is he just confused and depressed? Do you need to know the answer to that? If you feel the need to know, then perhaps it's just something you need for completion, or it's an indication that your present (and appropriate) aloofness could crumble.
> 
> Therapy will be a good opportunity to figure this stuff out.


I would have stayed with him forever. But as soon as he told me he wanted a divorce and therapy wouldn’t change his mind, I lost that hope of ever living my life with him. He saw how broken I was, for months and still wanted to move on from me. He even used the old “it’s not you, it’s me” line. I don’t want to be with him any longer even if he were to change his mind now. The need to know why is something more of a personal desire. I’m going to move past that now because it won’t make a difference knowing.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Usually the spouse is the last one to know even if everyone else does. Your gut feelings are usually correct.
> These types of people aren’t your friends.


So true.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> Girl, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I did it for me. I truly didn't deserve all the **** he put me through. Neither do you!
> 
> Definitely go see a lawyer and get information about how to go about things and do one thing at a time. It's amazing once you've dumped him from your life, you'll see he's the one who was a millstone around your neck and it wasn't you "making" him unhappy. Some people are born to be miserable and make others so, but you don't have to choose to remain in this situation. You could go to sleep and not wake up, stress is a killer. Grab life by the balls and move forward, you and your children deserve it.
> 
> ...





DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm so sorry. So he's never going to tell anyone and that makes me wonder if he discovered he is gay or something.
> 
> I don't know why you're putting up with him staying there and pretending nothing's wrong. He needs to GTFO.
> 
> He owes you an explanation after this many years. He must be ashamed of himself.


 With how crazy this all is, nothing would ever surprise me with him anymore. You know I’ve even been looking for him a place to go because I need him to move on. And it’s not my place but he doesn’t seem to be in a hurry. I even asked him why he told me months ago when he wasn’t planning on moving out any time soon. Makes no sense to me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

nsic25 said:


> With how crazy this all is, nothing would ever surprise me with him anymore. You know I’ve even been looking for him a place to go because I need him to move on. And it’s not my place but he doesn’t seem to be in a hurry. I even asked him why he told me months ago when he wasn’t planning on moving out any time soon. Makes no sense to me.


You just need to get the attorney to get him out of the house.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

nsic25 said:


> With how crazy this all is, nothing would ever surprise me with him anymore. You know I’ve even been looking for him a place to go because I need him to move on. And it’s not my place but he doesn’t seem to be in a hurry. I even asked him why he told me months ago when he wasn’t planning on moving out any time soon. Makes no sense to me.


I think by telling you he wants a divorce, he is now checked out mentally but is still there physically, because you take care of everything. So he can come and go, and if you were to complain, he would say “I told you, I want a divorce.” But his hugs and the mixed messages are to placate you so you don’t push him out.

Ya know, if people want to get divorced, that’s fine. But it’s stuff like you’re going through, the slimy two faced behavior, that is unnecessary. That is what is making this more difficult because it can be confusing.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

nsic25 said:


> With how crazy this all is, nothing would ever surprise me with him anymore. You know I’ve even been looking for him a place to go because I need him to move on. And it’s not my place but he doesn’t seem to be in a hurry. I even asked him why he told me months ago when he wasn’t planning on moving out any time soon. Makes no sense to me.


Cake eaters love cake. Stop feeding him. Let him figure it out.
If you haven’t figured it out. Words don’t get you a thing. Actions are the only thing that count.
Do you like living in limbo? Hopium is a strong addiction and won’t get you a thing.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He likely told you that so he could see someone else and not have it be cheating (in his mind). It’s also possible that “relationship” he had with her or someone else has ended and he’s in no hurry now. Or maybe he’s changed his mind entirely and now hopes things will just go back to normal. The one thing I learned being married to a cheater for decades is that you don’t know them and never did. Never.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Is he still taking meds for his depression still?


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## PhilWynn (8 mo ago)

sorry to hear that  you and your daughter deserve a good relationship


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

How’s the sex life been the last few years? Any sudden changes? Always been crappy? Improve for a while suddenly at any time?

often clues can be found in that


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I think by telling you he wants a divorce, he is now checked out mentally but is still there physically, because you take care of everything. So he can come and go, and if you were to complain, he would say “I told you, I want a divorce.” But his hugs and the mixed messages are to placate you so you don’t push him out.
> 
> Ya know, if people want to get divorced, that’s fine. But it’s stuff like you’re going through, the slimy two faced behavior, that is unnecessary. That is what is making this more difficult because it can be confusing.


That makes sense. He’s just using me and buying time until things work out for him.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> He likely told you that so he could see someone else and not have it be cheating (in his mind). It’s also possible that “relationship” he had with her or someone else has ended and he’s in no hurry now. Or maybe he’s changed his mind entirely and now hopes things will just go back to normal. The one thing I learned being married to a cheater for decades is that you don’t know them and never did. Never.


That has been a common statement here that it could be because it makes him feel less guilty. That will be the one thing that would hurt the most is if he has been cheating. I'm so sorry you went through a marriage with a cheater. That’s horrible and must be hard to trust again.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> How’s the sex life been the last few years? Any sudden changes? Always been crappy? Improve for a while suddenly at any time?
> 
> often clues can be found in that


Used to be great but then slowed down to non existent several years ago. We’ve talked about that issue over the years but it never leads any where. I brought it up again not long after he asked for the divorce just to see if that was cause. He couldn’t say whether it was the issue or not so I said we should just do it. He told me I would have to go back on the pill again. I haven’t been on the pill for over 20 years and why the pill? There are other methods of birth control. He chose the one BC that he knew I wouldn’t do. I knew then that he no longer had any more interest in me.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> Is he still taking meds for his depression still?


Yes, he’s still on them.


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## nsic25 (8 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Is hiring a private investigator for a short time feasible?


I never thought about it but that could be a good idea for the divorce.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

No sex for several years I’d a huge red flag. I’m thinking he wasn’t celibate this whole time. And the pill? Lame excuse


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

nsic25 said:


> I never thought about it but that could be a good idea for the divorce.


In the majority of states, infidelity won't matter to a judge. But, depending on how your husband values his image it may play a role in your share of the pie. For example, you can agree to keep quiet about any diddling in exchange for a higher percentage of the home equity and so forth. Don't do anything before running it by your attorney. 

Remember: marriage is about love and divorce is about money. He knows this very well. He'll have his brother and his parents clamoring in his ear. Don't think you can trust his family just because you've been a part of the clan for so long. They most probably will double down on their own kin and to hell with you and your girls.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

nsic25 said:


> That makes sense. He’s just using me and buying time until things work out for him.


Something to keep in mind is that you’re just learning and unraveling the past several months to make sense of it, so it seems sudden to you. But to him, he has been pulling away and potentially doing things behind your back for quite some time. The betrayed spouse is almost always taken by surprise as though their spouse changed suddenly but to the other spouse, he/she has been gradually slipping away. Your husband claimed depression and so on for his pulling away and there are cases when depression is the underlying reason, in this case, he could have been exhibiting signs of depression and anxiety but he was struggling with wanting to remain in the marriage. And much of the timeline seems tied to when that woman joined the hunting group. It’s just something I’ve noticed in threads on here when one spouse is trying to hang on to their marriage because the other is “depressed.”

It will be interesting to see his reaction to you pushing him out and filing yourself. Be prepared for “Wait…I’m not sure, maybe we can try again. I know I said I want a divorce but I’ve been thinking..”

I’ve read that happening in stories on here and in vulnerable positions emotionally, the injured spouse keeps hanging on to hope. He’s not a good person and honestly, it seems like you kept the marriage running smoothly for a while and he was along for the ride. I think counseling will help you to sort through it all and strengthen you as you get through this situation.

Hope you have a good day today! 🌼


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Is it really 'he's not a good person'? Or maybe he is being really selfish, but not a 'bad' person. People are pretty complex in general, and over time tend to move in selfish ways and with the ebb and flow of feelings rather than empathy, but I wouldn't necessarily say "he's not a good person".


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry to hear this very sad story. I think I know where this is heading...


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

nsic25 said:


> I would have stayed with him forever. But as soon as he told me he wanted a divorce and therapy wouldn’t change his mind, I lost that hope of ever living my life with him. He saw how broken I was, for months and still wanted to move on from me. He even used the old “it’s not you, it’s me” line. I don’t want to be with him any longer even if he were to change his mind now. The need to know why is something more of a personal desire. I’m going to move past that now because it won’t make a difference knowing.


then you file! File and move forward knowing he is a coward who will never be honest with you!
And you deserve better!

he is cheating. For sure!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

nsic25 said:


> With how crazy this all is, nothing would ever surprise me with him anymore. You know I’ve even been looking for him a place to go because I need him to move on. And it’s not my place but he doesn’t seem to be in a hurry. I even asked him why he told me months ago when he wasn’t planning on moving out any time soon. Makes no sense to me.


He doesn’t need to move because you provide all the luxuries and comfort at home! Stop cooking HIS meals! Don’t do his laundry etc! Stop taking care of “his” stuff!

put his things out on the front lawn and tell him to get out.

when you stop making him comfortable in his own home - he will want to be somewhere else!
Make him UNcomfortable. He’s ruined your family and all your dreams! Treat him as such.

stop being nice! Don’t allow him to kiss you in the morning - don’t allow him to say “I love you” without backlash that proves you don’t want his kind of “love”! 😤

he probably told his OW that he intends to end his marriage - cheaters say that all the time to the OW so the OW gets the idea that they will divorce. But “most” MM who cheat aren’t usually the ones that take action - they are cowards and avoid conflict so they DO nothing that supports their words. They change nothing because they want both! And he likely told you he doesn’t love you because that way it’s justifying him cheating on you. So file! He’s not going to.

start letting him know he’s done you wrong!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

nsic25 said:


> I never thought about it but that could be a good idea for the divorce.


I’m not sure how much tangible benefit you’ll actually get with a PI. 

If finding out for sure that he is involved with someone else will help you take definitive action and sleep at night, then I suppose that’s one thing.

But whether he wants to leave you to be with someone else, or wants to leave you just to get away from you even if there isn’t anyone else - is one really any better or any worse than the other?? 

Do you really want to be with someone who does not want to be with you regardless if there is someone else or not? 

And in practical terms, infidelity really doesn’t impact divorce settlements that much. The courts do not “punish” cheaters nor reward the betrayed.

In some jurisdictions, if the betrayed can show that the WS was using marital monies to fund the affair such as expensive gifts, exotic vacations with the AP or paying rental on an apartment for their trysts or supporting their AP, the BS ‘might’ be able to get some compensation out of the WS’s asset distribution. 

But absent of any large or unreasonable expenditures on the affair by the WS, there’s not much the courts will do about infidelity.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Start moving half of your assets to your name only! Do you have a handle on what money is where? Or does he do all of that?

you need to begin to separate your share… so he doesn’t swipe all of what’s available.

and close all credit cards that are joint - get credit in your name only. Get bank accounts in your name only!

Do you work? Can you support yourself and the girls for any extended time frame? Or are you reliant on him/his income? See an attorney so you have a firm idea what you are entitled to by the laws in your area. Do that NOW.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

nsic25 said:


> That has been a common statement here that it could be because it makes him feel less guilty. That will be the one thing that would hurt the most is if he has been cheating. I'm so sorry you went through a marriage with a cheater. That’s horrible and must be hard to trust again.


This is so classic. All about image control, he doesn't want to look like the bad guy and face what he's done.


uwe.blab said:


> Is it really 'he's not a good person'? Or maybe he is being really selfish, but not a 'bad' person. People are pretty complex in general, and over time tend to move in selfish ways and with the ebb and flow of feelings rather than empathy, but I wouldn't necessarily say "he's not a good person".


Semantics. I don't know anyone who thinks selfishness is a positive trait.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> This is so classic. All about image control, he doesn't want to look like the bad guy and face what he's done.
> 
> Semantics. I don't know anyone who thinks selfishness is a positive trait.


Being flawed-- and yes even deeply flawed....

You would say he is a 'bad person'? 

Ok. Agree to disagree.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I didn’t state that he’s a “bad” person. But good people don’t treat their spouses the way the OP’s husband is treating her. This isn’t just about an unhappy guy wanting a divorce and he’s gone already, he wants a divorce but still wants the OP to do all the heavy lifting. He wants a divorce, but doesn’t want to let go of the benefits he gets remaining at their home. He said he wants a divorce so the OP doesn’t question what he’s doing. And there seems to be red flags around potentially another woman in the background. Idk…that doesn’t sound like a good person to me. 😔


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Unless there is documented physical abuse, forcing a spouse out of a marital home is not easy and typically requires a court order...It may be a shytty situation for the OP, but I don't think there would be grounds, but I am not an expert in that area, so who knows...

She could though, as others have stated, just live in separate parts of the house and limit all communications to the kids, etc..Or she, I guess, could just move out as well...Again, lot of legal stuff that would be best to leave in the hands of an attorney...

Without his side of this, its anyone's guess what actually happened, or where the alienation originated from his perspective...I do know a lot of guys that are miserable in marriages, where they feel somewhat like the entire family unit is all about the wife and kids, and he's just the worker ant and has no say in anything,...Then stuff like sex disappears and the resentment builds...

OP seems like a lovely woman...And I have no doubt she has been supportive and nice, as she has stated...A lot of times, though that alone isn't enough...Again, who knows what type scenario this is...Sounds like a mid life crisis, but again, I don't know...I could easily see that the guy is being overly nice with hugs and ILY's because he feels horrible about blowing this up, knowing in his heart its what he wants to do, but feels terrible because the OP is such a wonderful person.....Maybe if the OP was a miserable shrew, he'd act totally different, I dunno...

My only advice, is as stated, limit all contact and correspondence.. Then use the time to get all your ducks in a row and prepare yourself for a separate life...Sorry that you are going through this..sounds like its not what you want, thats for sure..


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

snowbum said:


> I’m sorry to hear this. 2 months worth of alone time is a huge red flag


In my book, vacations w/o the spouse is a huge red flag.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

nsic25 said:


> For a couple of years, my husband had been showing signs of depression and anxiety and 5 months ago, he was finally convinced to go see his doctor. He was put on meds and appeared to be feeling better.
> 
> Our marriage has been full of life, love, commitment, and fun. We never argue and have always been happy together, or so I thought.
> 
> A few months ago, he decided to share with me that he wasn't happy in our 25-year marriage, and it began a few years ago. I was shocked and couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was sad, crying, begging him not to feel that way and didn't care how pathetic I looked. I was humiliated for my part in the begging but loved him so much and couldn't live without him. I would try and ask questions trying to pull something out of him. Why? Was it because of my size, (I'm a size 20), was it because I'm getting old (I'm 52), or was it because I'm not as social as he was? I work 50-60 hours a week and like to stay home sometimes.


52 is not old at all. I'm 50 wife is 54. 

You said full of life, love, commitment and fun. How often were you intimate together? 

Back when the kids were younger my wife was so wrapped up in busyness, she would say, we just had sex the other day! No it was almost 2 weeks ago. 2-3x month did not cut it. I had so much resentment built up and she was oblivious that I was miserable. I was preparing for my exit, when she finally tore down the dam. I dumped years of resentment I had built up...it left her completely stunned as she had no clue I was feeling angry and neglected.


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## FocusMusic (7 mo ago)

I can so relate to this. 

I am new to the forum, but is there any way to private message a poster? 

I feel that joining and talking with a group of people who have gone through very similar things will be tremendously beneficial.


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