# Marriage dying of a thousand papercuts?



## Checkered24 (Dec 1, 2016)

On and off for the past few years I have been contemplating pursuing a divorce. Not from any one major incident (no infidelity, etc), but really from a long and running list of dislikes that my wife does not put attention or effort into improving. 

I feel taken for granted, and underappreciated constantly. We both work, but I do the bulk of the housework. The laundry, the cleaning and straightening, the yard work, the heavy work (snowblowing, repairing things, etc). The only area of the routine work and household chores my wife takes part in is assisting with the cooking. I literally can spend hours on the weekend running around the house doing things, and she will sit on her phone the whole time ignoring me. 

We have spoken about this a lot in our 6+ years of marriage but there is only ever short term temporary change. She may work to pick up some of the chores for a week or so after I ask for help and a co-participant in some of the chores, but then reverts right back to not lifting a finger. Or if she really does not wish to help she argues that she is not going to "lose herself" in our marriage and wants to be able to do the things she wants to do.

On top of this, she has removed herself from most of the responsibility of being involved in our daughter's homework or extra curricular activities, and has left it to myself to help her through homework and assignments, transport her to her extra curriculars, etc. In her defense she has long hours at her job and a long commute which makes it difficult for her to always be home in time for some of the after school needs, but when she is around she causes confrontations with our daughter over homework then excuses herself from helping further arguing that I am "better" at working with her on schoolwork.

It is not that I am unwilling to help in any of these areas, but instead of finding a helpful partner who contributes when and where she can I find someone always trying to avoid and get out of any of this stuff, knowing I will step up and pick up the duties.

Another major annoyance is that I do not feel she places importance anymore on having quality time together. She likes to have "me" days which is perfectly understandable, where she desires some alone time evenings for things like a happy hour or weekends to spend a couple hours with coworkers or friends. Perfectly healthy, but another annoyance since this is another one way street. If I on occasion (and we may be talking once bi-weekly in frequency) want to have a couple hours to do my thing, I get a lot of push back and passive aggressive behavior. (Most likely I'd be going to a sporting event, I do not bar crawl or anything of that sort). 

If the two of us were to have a date night or some alone time together, I must be the one to arrange babysitting and put it together. She never takes the initiative to plan anything, call her parents to see if they would watch our daughter a couple hours, or otherwise show any initiative in going out for a fun, romantic, or quiet evening or day anywhere alone. 

I have become the primary caregiver for our daughter, househusband to keep the household going, and babysitter for her "fun me times." My reward is fitting this in around my own 10 hour days of work, and hope for an hour to myself to relax on a weekend where I am not being dragged to a grocery store so she doesn't have to "shop alone."

There are probably a dozen or more small things adding to the cuts.

Ultimately though it has sucked the enjoyment out of life. I feel I am expected to be the workhorse for her enjoyment and exploitation and that she has no intention of really changing or trying to put equal effort into the household and marriage. I feel used and taken for granted, and after this many years I do not really see it changing.

It just seems, compared to the experiences of others, that seeking a divorce due to these things feels a little petty. There is no known infidelity or lack of trust, or abuse, or anything of a highly serious nature. Yet, life in this marriage becomes a little more miserable by the day for me, without much hope for a change or improvement.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You sound like a frazzled, stressed out wife and she sounds like a lazy husband that needs a wake up call to get off the couch. 

What would happen if you didn't do the laundry every day? Would she do it when she couldn't find any clean underwear?

Start taking some 'me time' for yourself and let her trip over the dirty clothes on the floor. 

That way you'll be happier and won't be so frazzled and won't have to martyr yourself so much and she may get the message and get off the couch.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

That being said, you two sound a lot like my wife and I only in reverse. 

She's the one that runs herself ragged and gets all angry and resentful while I'm comfy in the chair making brilliant responses and doling out words of wisdom here on TAM.

The thing is not that I am a lazy slob that would never pick up or clean the house - I just don't do it as soon and as quickly as she does. 

She tears into the house the moment she walks in the door, where as I'll sit and chill a few minutes before taking on a particular task. 

The reason I didn't do it is because I didn't have to, she had already done it before I even noticed there was something that needed to be done. It's not that I wouldn't have done it, it was that she already did it. 

So from her perspective, I am neglecting my household duties and she is the one that has to do everything. She gets mad and resentful. 

But the truth is, if she had sat and chilled and caught her breath and taken a load off, I would have gotten up and done the dishes in a little while and we all would have been happier. 

My suggestion is take up a hobby and do something fun for a little while before turning yourself into Wonder Maid and getting all resentful towards her. 

Go ahead and let clothes pile up on the floor and dishes pile up on the counter. 

If she asks you where her clean socks are, point at the clothes on the floor and tell her they are right there on the floor and that they will be sparkly clean once she washes them.


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## Checkered24 (Dec 1, 2016)

That is an excellent point. I do not walk in the door and do all the chores, but I am certainly quicker at getting to them which could reinforce her feeling she doesn't need to concern herself with them. I guess what frustrates me is I ask for more help with such things, and I can leave chores go untouched for long periods of time (weeks) and they still do not happen. 

A shipping box could arrive from something she ordered. She opens it, sets the box down randomly in the living room. It will still be there weeks later if I do not pick it up. (I know, I have ignored such things in the past, they just sit and clutter to the end of time).

I almost wonder whether she would just buy new socks if all her socks were dirty... and needed to hit the laundy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Checkered24 said:


> That is an excellent point. I do not walk in the door and do all the chores, but I am certainly quicker at getting to them which could reinforce her feeling she doesn't need to concern herself with them. I guess what frustrates me is I ask for more help with such things, and I can leave chores go untouched for long periods of time (weeks) and they still do not happen.
> 
> A shipping box could arrive from something she ordered. She opens it, sets the box down randomly in the living room. It will still be there weeks later if I do not pick it up. (I know, I have ignored such things in the past, they just sit and clutter to the end of time).
> 
> I almost wonder whether she would just buy new socks if all her socks were dirty... and needed to hit the laundy.



That is a little different than just not placing a high priority on a tidy, clean house. sounds like she may be an actual slob. 

There are a few different levels of slovenliness. 

Does she shower, brush her teeth and put on clean underwear and socks every day without having to be told? Does she leave leftover food on the counter for days and weeks that rot and draw flies and maggots? If the catbox gets full and the cat starts peeing and pooping all over the house, does she just let the poop sit there and harden up in the carpeting?

If she is neglecting basic hygiene and sanitation leading to health risks, that can be sign of a deeper mental disorder or some kind of mental illness that will need to be addressed by a licensed mental health professional.


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## Checkered24 (Dec 1, 2016)

No nothing like that. She showers and cleans up daily, or that slovenly around the kitchen.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

How is your intimacy? You mentioned that YOU had to get the baby-sitter for a couple's night. But she has no problem with arranging time with "co-workers" and "friends" while bar-hopping and clubbing?

You also mentioned she is a phone junkie, does she guard her phone or never let you in to what she is viewing? Nothing in the funny media that you "both" enjoy? She does this all with herself?

I am going to go first this time and say.....RED FLAG.

You are doormatting yourself with being the perfect "roomate" and not as a co-equal in a marriage. While she works, do you know who she associates with? Do you personally know all her work "friends". 

I'm thinking you need to put the f-ing laundry down and start taking stock in this supposed "relationship". Sounds like you are #2 and option B to her.....


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Checkered24 said:


> On and off for the past few years I have been contemplating pursuing a divorce. Not from any one major incident (no infidelity, etc), but really from a long and running list of dislikes that my wife does not put attention or effort into improving.
> 
> I feel taken for granted, and underappreciated constantly. We both work, but I do the bulk of the housework. The laundry, the cleaning and straightening, the yard work, the heavy work (snowblowing, repairing things, etc). The only area of the routine work and household chores my wife takes part in is assisting with the cooking. I literally can spend hours on the weekend running around the house doing things, and she will sit on her phone the whole time ignoring me.
> 
> ...


These things aren't the problem, they are symptoms of the problem. The real problem is that your wife is entitled and selfish and does not value you or her own child. A very good reason to divorce.

Are you absolutely positive that she is not having an affair - emotional or physical - on the side? What is she doing on her phone during all this time? Where is she really going when she is taking "me" time? Have you seen her phone? Is there evidence that where she says she is going is really where she is going?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Checkered24 said:


> On and off for the past few years I have been contemplating pursuing a divorce. Not from any one major incident (no infidelity, etc), but really from a long and running list of dislikes that my wife does not put attention or effort into improving.
> 
> I feel taken for granted, and underappreciated constantly. We both work, but I do the bulk of the housework. The laundry, the cleaning and straightening, the yard work, the heavy work (snowblowing, repairing things, etc). The only area of the routine work and household chores my wife takes part in is assisting with the cooking. I literally can spend hours on the weekend running around the house doing things, and she will sit on her phone the whole time ignoring me.
> 
> ...


The first thing you need to know is that she IS having an affair. Probably with someone from work. Yeah, yeah, how could I say that? When is the last time you took a look at her phone? 

When is the last time you looked at the phone bill to see who she is talking to and texting. 

She is having an affair. 

Next you because you don't know any better, have become her little beta house boy babysitter. 

Further, she is an entitled princess, and some of that is your fault because you let this happen in your marriage, you did not stand up for yourself. 

She has probably lost all respect and attraction to you because you let her walk all over you. 

Truth is, it is not worth fixing. You will have years of hell trying to get her to not be so selfish, if you can get over that fact that she is sleeping around. 

If you think I am crazy, ask around, yours is textbook, but I am almost never wrong...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I can see why you're feeling the way that you are, and sometimes it takes a major wake-up call to make the lazy spouse take action. Here's what I would do:

1. If you're like me, you probably don't like a messy/dirty house. But, I would slack off on the cleaning a bit, or clean the areas that you use often, and say if she has a specific bathroom that she likes to use, let her take care of that one. 

2. Don't do her laundry. Do yours and your daughter's, but your wife is able to do her own. She'll hit a point where she misses her favourite pants, or has run out of undies and socks.

3. Suggest hiring someone to help with the yard work. Ensure that the payment for that comes out of a joint account.

4. Okay, so your wife's work hours make it difficult to get home in time for your daughter's after school activities, so you continue to do that, but suggest to your wife that responsibilities concerning your daughter should be shared. She needs to have more patience with your D, as she's a child. I remember once when my Mom was helping me study for a Social test in maybe grade 4 or 5. I just wasn't getting it and couldn't memorize the dates. Mom hit the roof, got angry and stormed into the kitchen to get Dad to pour her a drink, which she downed. She then slammed the glass on the table and demanded another while glaring at me. I remember this and it made me feel horrible. All because she lost her patience with a kid who was genuinely having troubles with memorization. Crap like that sticks with a kid. If she cannot step up her game, continue on helping your daughter yourself; the other stuff can take a backseat.

5. You're allowed to go out with your friends, just as she is. If you don't give her pushback when she goes out, lay it on the line that you expect the same respect. If she can't give you a little "you" time without a fight, get a friend to look after your daughter for awhile, and just leave your wife to go do your thing. It goes both ways, and your W needs to start realizing that. 

6. Quality time together is extremely important too. Ask her to arrange the next date night, including child care. See what she comes up with. It might be something really fun and interesting, or she might conveniently "forget". This will be very telling.

7. Your wife is an adult, she can go grocery shopping all by herself. Tell her that you have chores to take care of at home, you need to help your D with homework, etc., and that she'll have to take care of the groceries by herself unless she wants to contribute to the household chores that day.

I agree that couples shouldn't lose themselves in a marriage; you should still be able to be 2 separate people, but work together for common goals/values. Your marriage sounds a lot like my former one, except roles were reversed: I was the one who did everything while my H sat on his butt. We also spent little quality time together (maybe once every 3-4 months, and then he was glued to his cell phone). Needless to say, I didn't want to live in a marriage like that, so I suggested divorcing. We just hit a year of being separated and can now file. Life has been much more calm in the last year! I'm not suggesting that you divorce, but if she's not willing to budge, it's not likely to get much better in the future.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

c24

it sounds to me like you really have TWO dependents, not one.

and while she may work and contribute financially, I bet her career is looked at more from a perspective of taking care of her need for self fulfillment and not as being part of a team and doing what's best for your family. 

I'm wondering why you would marry someone so selfish in the first place.

another poster pointed out the possibility of an affair. maybe, maybe not.......but that HAS to be ruled out. keep in mind affairs take many forms.......but are all detrimental to a marriage. good luck. changing her will be next to impossible. how much garbage can you tolerate?


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I love how this WW is expecting the hubby to "stay at home" with the kids...Not go out with the buds for a game and brew night. Hilarious. 

Probably puts a crimp on her going out with "Chad" and "Tom".


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Checkered24 said:


> On and off for the past few years I have been contemplating pursuing a divorce. Not from any one major incident (no infidelity, etc), but really from a long and running list of dislikes that my wife does not put attention or effort into improving.
> 
> I feel taken for granted, and underappreciated constantly. We both work, but I do the bulk of the housework. The laundry, the cleaning and straightening, the yard work, the heavy work (snowblowing, repairing things, etc). The only area of the routine work and household chores my wife takes part in is assisting with the cooking. I literally can spend hours on the weekend running around the house doing things, and she will sit on her phone the whole time ignoring me.
> 
> ...


I would say there is a 99% chance she is having an affair. 

File for divorce, you have talked yourself blue in the face with not change. Stop doing all the chores like an idiot. I have no problem helping out around the house, your mistake was picking up the slack instead of saying, excuse me but we are a team. 

Talk with a lawyer to see what your options are. Don’t say anything to your wife until you make your decision. Then if you want offer marriage counseling, it she refuses then hand her divorce papers.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Checkered24 said:


> That is an excellent point. I do not walk in the door and do all the chores, but I am certainly quicker at getting to them which could reinforce her feeling she doesn't need to concern herself with them. I guess what frustrates me is I ask for more help with such things, and I can leave chores go untouched for long periods of time (weeks) and they still do not happen.
> 
> A shipping box could arrive from something she ordered. She opens it, sets the box down randomly in the living room. It will still be there weeks later if I do not pick it up. (I know, I have ignored such things in the past, they just sit and clutter to the end of time).
> 
> I almost wonder whether she would just buy new socks if all her socks were dirty... and needed to hit the laundy.


Stop doing her laundry today.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Checkered24 said:


> No nothing like that. She showers and cleans up daily, or that slovenly around the kitchen.


She knows you will eventually pick it up.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you have the power to change this situation. The question will be whether or not you have the will to do so. First of all, your wife is not making you do all the chores, handle all the childcare, and stay home so she can go out. Those are things you are choosing to do. And, with exception, much of that can be let go if you don't want to do it. So, choose to stop doing the things you resent doing. Do only what you actually want to do or what's actually necessary. 

Stop doing all the chores. Do what's necessary for yourself and for your daughter. Stop doing things that are only for your wife. Don't shop for her, don't do her laundry, don't cook for her. And don't "help" her with her chores. Stop going shopping with her. She's a grown woman who holds down a job, she can manage shopping on her own. You have quite enough to do without adding that to your list. 

You're a grown man. You do not need your wife's permission to engage in your hobbies or to go out with your friends from time to time. So, stop asking her if you can go out. When you have some free time and want to make plans to go watch the game with your buddies, make sure there's no genuine family schedule conflict and then go. Tell her you're going out for the evening, make sure your daughter is squared away, then leave the house and go have a good time. 

Unless you're enjoying being a martyr, then stop being one. You have that power. But you're going to have to find your self-respect and stop allowing your wife to control your entire life. Maybe she's cheating. Maybe she's just lazy and entitled. Maybe something else is going on that might mean the relationship is fixable. But in order to find out, you're going to have to man up and start taking control of your life. Figure out what your boundaries are and how to enforce them. Your wife will either grow to respect you and be a partner to you, or she won't. If she doesn't, you can decide if you want to deal with this relationship for the rest of your life, or if you'd like to make changes that will give you and your daughter a chance for normality and happiness.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Checkered24, when I initially read your original post, it reminded me of an article that I read shortly after my own separation, and that article really hit home because like you, i was overworked, overstressed and under-appreciated. The article was written by a man, so just think the opposite when you read it...

"Why I don't help my wife"
https://www.apost.com/en/blog/why-i-dont-help-my-wife/2629/


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## Dutchman1 (Mar 30, 2018)

Hello Op, if it wasn't so tragic, it would be great comedy. 

I am gonna let you in on a secret,, but keep it to yourself, promise? 

This happens because......... YOU F...C KING LET HER! Yeah you my man.

Stop being codependent. You did not get your balls just to paint them for Easter. 

For each time your wife goes away for weekends with workmates or goes barflying, you go twice. Capiche. 

Look at your birth certificate, it should say: MAN. 
Take your wife into the kitchen, give her a plate in her hands and put her hands in the sink. Lift her skirt and take her temperature with your on board thermometer . Haha.

Man up .

Dutchman 1


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Checkered24, time for you to start being smart about this.

Continue to look out for your daughter and yourself only
No longer do her laundry/ironing
Let the house get a bit dirty, esp if her friends are coming over
Do not pick up her clothes, boxes, whatever, LEAVE it for as long as it takes
For every night she goes out with the girls, for me time, etc, you do exactly the same (keep a record)
Point out what must be done. If groceries, vacuuming, tell her, your turn to do it. If for example she never bought groceries, then order in for you and daughter only 
employ a cleaner, grass cutter, whatever it takes and insists she pays half
Do not have her car serviced, etc
This requires tenacity but she will soon get the message


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)




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