# Unhappy Wife



## hollowed455 (Mar 26, 2011)

Hello,

New to the boards and was looking online for help on this and can't really come up anything so hoping you all can help.

Me and my wife have been married for 4 years now. After a separation about 3 years ago (she had an affair) we worked through it and got back together. I know my wife pretty well and can tell when she's unhappy even if she won't tell me. I'm not one to go peek into her journal or anything because I don't feel like I should have to go to those extremes to find out what's wrong. I want to know what's wrong with her but when I try to ask she will say "nothing". How do I get her to tell me?

I hate facebook and don't keep any of those accounts but my wife does. She is friends with my mother on there. (yah kind of creepy to me that my mother has a facebook but she likes the games) My mother told me (and I didn't ask) that my wife posted that "she feels stuck". My mother told me about it because she wanted to know if things are ok with us. I had a feeling my wife was unhappy before I found out about this. 

On our days off all my wife really seems interested in doing is texting her friends and playing farmville. I know she's not having an affair again the signs just aren't there. She always talks happy and plays around but the past few days it has just seemed so forced on her part. 

My wife borderlines on being bi-polar but won't get any kind of help on that. She used to have self mutilation problems and suffers from depression pretty frequently. I try to help her out with her problems as much as I can but I can't help when she won't tell me what's wrong. So I'm pretty much trapped at the moment in not knowing if she is unhappy due to something I have done or unhappy about something else.

She was unemployed for several months and was very happy during that time period. It wasn't until she started working again about a month ago that she started seeming this way but she says she really likes her job so I don't know if that could be the problem or not. Because she was unemployed for a while we don't have a lot of money yet to go out because were trying to catch up on bills still.

I love my wife but I can't keep our marriage going by myself. Any help? thank you in advance


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You've been legally married for 4 years but separated for 3?


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## hollowed455 (Mar 26, 2011)

No I mean we've been married for 4 years but separated temporarily about 3 years ago for about 2 months


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## Stayingunknown (Mar 29, 2011)

Facebook and other social networking will be the downfall of human society. We no longer know how to speak with each other and future generations will lack quality communication skills. When LOL and OMG are in the dictionary, Houston we have a problem.


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## ddindiana (May 24, 2010)

:iagree:


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

Ummm...I don't think you can do much to help if she says she's okay. Can you just make sure you're available for any talking that she's up to and relax? I mean the "she feels stuck" comment could have been a very momentary thing. I wouldn't blow this out of proportion.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

How about trying this. Do something she likes, dinner date, or fix dinner for her. Tell her you feel like something is bothering her and you are concerned about it. Ask her what you can do to to improve your relationship. Tell her how important she is to you. Tell her you love her. Do not mention anything about your mother or facebook if she asks why you are doing this tell her because you just feel like she is feeling a bit down. 

This shows that you care about her and her feelings and even if she stonewalls you at least you know you tryed and wont have to wonder "what if" Good luck to ya


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## hollowed455 (Mar 26, 2011)

i agree I hate facebook and those sites. I don't use them at all. 

The other day I went out and bought her some flowers and spent the entire weekend doing nothing but being with her. I didn't mention anything to her that I knew she was having a problem. After a couple of days (and still said nothing about it) she finally told me. She feels like were in a rut..no passion and don't talk anymore. I agree but never really felt like we were in a rut as much as were just comfortable. She wants to go out more which I do as well. Only problem is I just got laid off this week because of lack of work so not really any extra cash lying around to go on a vacation or anything till I can find another job. Which I'll be getting unemployment from it so that will help. I haven't been unemployed since the 90's lol. she doesn't have any idea on how to get out of it and I don't either really. Any ideas?

She said she has been depressed and is feeling overweight so she's been making herself throw up. Which I told her I like her I liked her just the way she is but if she really wants to lose weight then we can start eating right together and go for walks around the block since it's warm now and drop the winter weight


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

hollowed455 said:


> i agree I hate facebook and those sites. I don't use them at all.
> 
> The other day I went out and bought her some flowers and spent the entire weekend doing nothing but being with her. I didn't mention anything to her that I knew she was having a problem. After a couple of days (and still said nothing about it) she finally told me. She feels like were in a rut..no passion and don't talk anymore. I agree but never really felt like we were in a rut as much as were just comfortable. She wants to go out more which I do as well. Only problem is I just got laid off this week because of lack of work so not really any extra cash lying around to go on a vacation or anything till I can find another job. Which I'll be getting unemployment from it so that will help. I haven't been unemployed since the 90's lol. she doesn't have any idea on how to get out of it and I don't either really. Any ideas?
> 
> She said she has been depressed and is feeling overweight so she's been making herself throw up. Which I told her I like her I liked her just the way she is but if she really wants to lose weight then we can start eating right together and go for walks around the block since it's warm now and drop the winter weight


Go for walks together, get a frisbee and play frisbee, do some gardening together, Talk to her about finances and keep her in the loop but make sure she knows she is the most impotant part of your life. Ask her what kinda things that are low in costs that she would like to do. 

I would love to tell ya to cut off the internet but you will need that to look for a job. Facebook is a big time killer of marriages.

Good luck to ya.


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## hollowed455 (Mar 26, 2011)

Brewster 59 said:


> Go for walks together, get a frisbee and play frisbee, do some gardening together, Talk to her about finances and keep her in the loop but make sure she knows she is the most impotant part of your life. Ask her what kinda things that are low in costs that she would like to do.
> 
> I would love to tell ya to cut off the internet but you will need that to look for a job. Facebook is a big time killer of marriages.
> 
> Good luck to ya.


thanks. I'll give some of your suggestions a try and see what happens. I was thinking about turning my home office into a room where we could just sit and talk with no distractions such as the TV or the dogs wanting pet.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If she is bi-polar and won't seek help, there is very little you CAN do. She is bound to have a down cycle sooner or later--and she will do what it takes to make herself feel better (be that an affair, drinking, whatever). Exercise and being outside can help, but they will not offset the chemical imbalance in her brain.

It is extremely selfish and perhaps a sign of her illness that she refuses help. That does NOT make you responsible for her, however. Ask her if having her way about the illness-ie, refusing to get help--is more important than your marriage, b/c that is what it will come down to, sooner or later. If you haven't had kids, don't. This situation is unlikely to improve without medical intervention and is likely to get worse over time.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> If she is bi-polar and won't seek help, there is very little you CAN do. She is bound to have a down cycle sooner or later--and she will do what it takes to make herself feel better (be that an affair, drinking, whatever). Exercise and being outside can help, but they will not offset the chemical imbalance in her brain.
> 
> It is extremely selfish and perhaps a sign of her illness that she refuses help. That does NOT make you responsible for her, however. Ask her if having her way about the illness-ie, refusing to get help--is more important than your marriage, b/c that is what it will come down to, sooner or later. If you haven't had kids, don't. This situation is unlikely to improve without medical intervention and is likely to get worse over time.


You know meds do help a lot of people but they have their downside as well. There isnt a single antidepressant that doesnt warn that a possible side effect is suicidial thoughts or tendendancies. While Im not saying meds dont have their place they arent a magic cure all. Sunlight and exercise has no possible side effects anyhow the disclaimer that those antidepressants have definetly would scare the hell out of me so it may not be that she is selfish she MAY be scared of the medication. Just a thought probably should see a doc though.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Stayingunknown said:


> Facebook and other social networking will be the downfall of human society. We no longer know how to speak with each other and future generations will lack quality communication skills. When LOL and OMG are in the dictionary, Houston we have a problem.


and dont forget text messaging...in the words of bobby bushey's momma they all the devil...as for 

hollowed455 i seen where you had said your lacking money but would like to get out more with your wife, have you tried just random stuff that dont really cost? is there a local park? pack a picnic on a weekend go to the local park injoy nature. The wife and myself enjoy some cheep activitys such as fishing and just taking a random walk around town. If you wanna go out and eat and cant afford it, pick a day that she will be at work...look up some recipes fix her a nice meal and let her walk in from work to candle lights and a hot meal. (I do this with my wife when im off and she got late classes, pork steak or some BBQ chicken fresh off the grill...its not fancy but its cheep and from the heart she will love it)


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Stayingunknown said:


> Facebook and other social networking will be the downfall of human society. We no longer know how to speak with each other and future generations will lack quality communication skills.


Future generations??!?!? That's rich.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

One thing you can do with wifey is brainstorm cheap dates. This is kind of a fun site with ideas by age group. 

http://www.coolestdates.com/inexpensive_dates[30-39].htm

My husband and I like to research different interests and then share those with the other. I'm not always interested in what he is and vice versa, but it's fun to know what the other is looking into at the time.

Another thing for conversation...there are lots of "dating questions/getting to know you questions" sites.

This one has more questions then you could ever get through, look at them for ideas.

Conversation Questions for the ESL/EFL Classroom (I-TESL-J)

If she's been "depressed" for awhile. She needs to head to the doctor for a checkup. Just to make sure it's not a simple physical thing that can be fixed with meds. Can you offer to take her and go into the appointment and talk to the doctor as well? Sometimes very depressed people just can't communicate well...it's their brain in a fog.

The throwing up is so hard on you esophagus and teeth. She really needs to get a handle on that for her health. 

If she says she likes work I would believe her but perhaps it still causes her some stress. See if you can get her to talk about it. Reasure her that you love her and want her to be happy. The depressed tend to think they are a burden. 

Good luck it's kind of a downer to live with a depressed person I know But there is a lot of help if she will only make a step. 

*hugs*


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## hollowed455 (Mar 26, 2011)

Yes my wife is bipolar and won't get any kind of medication for it. She was telling me tonight that in some ways she wants to save the marriage and in other ways she just wants to be along. I honestly have no clue what to do here. When I mentioned going out to the park to walk and exercise is when she started mentioning that she sometimes just wants to be alone and by herself and not have the responsibility of marriage


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## hollowed455 (Mar 26, 2011)

SaffronPower said:


> One thing you can do with wifey is brainstorm cheap dates. This is kind of a fun site with ideas by age group.
> 
> http://www.coolestdates.com/inexpensive_dates[30-39].htm
> 
> ...


the first site gives me a 404 error? thanks for the other link I'm going to take a look at it right now


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