# Last call



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

I am at the end of the marriage and I will tell her tonight. It is right but it feels so wrong since we are getting along casually so well right now. 

I already decided upon divorce three months ago after exposing a serial affair for the third time and she asked for R. I succeeded in ending that affair, but the R has not been very heartfelt. My wife does not talk about her thoughts or feelings so I get to learn by monitoring. She knows I am watching her but has no idea the extent of my abilities to monitor--though she should. 

-She visits porn sites, but leaves me cold--no physical intimacy of any kind. I have not even tried to touch her in a month--not even for a hug and she has not appeared to even noticed.

-Regularly searches for apartments and houses in places she wants to live (near the boyfriend I busted). 

-Is searching profiles on singles sites several times a week, even though never responds to emails from men on the site. ( I have her logins/passwords to those accounts)

-She occasionally searches for divorce information. 

-And is carrying on a long distance with a guy I now believe was another affair, but I don't know the extent of it because she is deleting their Facebook messages almost daily.

All this and when I try to get her to talk about Us she just tells me "All I am thinking about right now is my work" --a lie obviously. I guess she is not ready to move on even though she has given up. I have no clue--she won't talk. I suppose she just wants to put off dealing with the real life consequences of a decision her heart has already made.

We get along really well...have fun together but its obviously very shallow. I should have pushed for therapy a few months ago, but I am exhausted and can no longer continue to put energy and into monitoring her. I can't conceive of another way of building trust back the way she is. 

I don't know that I am asking for anything with this, but I felt I had to type this out. Reading it, I must seem walked all over and objectively that is probably the truth. 

I wanted it to be different. I did all I could. Time to move on. 

I know what I have to do. 

I hope we can do this with mediation. We have the net worth feed of a lot of lawyering but not enough to avoid financial devastation in the aftermath.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Sorry you are here, glad you are ready. It isn't fun, but it is necessary. You're giving yourself freedom and piece of mind. I can think of no better gift for you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good luck.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I should have pushed for therapy a few months ago,


 You should have divorced a few months ago. The hell with therapy, there's nothing left to salvage except you dignity and self respect.

Just be done with it. Yeah you'll take a financial hit but how much is your happiness and sanity worth.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

Good luck in getting it through mediation. She doesn't seem to want to work things out. I also see it as a gift for your peace of mind.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Well I told her. I don't think she thinks it is real. She got emotional and tried to turn it around on me at one point, but she definitely does not think this is happening. I fear I am going to have to nail this down in a way that will set her off making mediation impossible....

I did not get into her recent bull****, specially the 2nd OM but I want to avoid it getting nasty or talking about why anymore just what is. 

I am sure this will get easier at some point but FFS....every step is a labor.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Does your wife work?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

BURNT KEP said:


> Does your wife work?


She keeps the household and essentially does all the cleaning and laundry about half the cooking and most of the shopping these days. She also is working on some freelance efforts that have not really gotten off the ground. I do well enough where I have been OK with this, but I don't wonder if that has been instrumental in her losing respect for me in a subconscious way. This will hurt me pretty badly with the support picture I am afraid though she has a degree and I do not.

You are onto something that this forces her to deal with the financial realities of life in a way she has not in some time.

Edit:

In comparison I can have my laundry done and the house cleaned twice a month for roughly $300-$400 so there is a disparity here but accounting and keeping score was never a thing in our marriage. Anyway if you add in $500 or so in monthly expenses she would have had associated with a job, it is a bit less compelling. Maybe I went wrong in this--we could certainly have had more retirement built up but if we worked it would have been worth it to me.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

ScrambledEggs said:


> She keeps the household and essentially does all the cleaning and laundry about half the cooking and most of the shopping these days. She also is working on some freelance efforts that have not really gotten off the ground. I do well enough where I have been OK with this, but I don't wonder if that has been instrumental in her losing respect for me in a subconscious way. This will hurt me pretty badly with the support picture I am afraid though she has a degree and I do not.
> 
> You are onto something that this forces her to deal with the financial realities of life in a way she has not in some time.


Yes and no. If you divorce she most likely will have to find a job but she will be getting spousal support.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

sounds like she was wanting to live a single life, and now you're going to let her


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

I get the idea, but what others have told you is right. You will find a way to work it out, it will hit you financially maybe, but the process itself hits you in several ways, it is not easy.

I will get a job, not needing too with the spousal support, but will do it cause I was used to a better life, now I watch finances a lot cause I may have emergencies, have new taxes to pay, etc... and also have to think about my older years (thinking alone, not depending on someone anymore... learned my lesson).

So, go with the process which is the most important and try to work it out amicable, she wants to live a single life? She cant if you are married... unless you decide to have an open marriage which is not like good for your self-steem cause you are in a commitment which she seems to have forgotten.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Pointing out all the crap I know she has been doing really did the trick. She gave up immediately and said that she can tell that it will take a lot of work to fix the marriage and she was not willing to work that hard at it. I think the embarrassment of it all shocked her. 


After spending the whole day working on financial details for the separation and being well on the way to a no contest settlement she woke me up this morning wanting R. For this to work she would need IC, the desire to change her narcissistic view of relationships, and a whole lot of work. I don't think it is possible. More talking tonight I guess.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Standfast, Scrambled. Don't let her pull you back. 

She has shown her colors over again. She has had plenty of time to show she can change her colors. She didn't want to work that hard. 

I don't think she can.

Continue your path with the D. There will be plenty of time for her to prove change, only this time there is a finality to her fantasy and the reality of being out on her own is pressing fast.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Do you think she *really* means it *this time* or is just reacting to getting caught again?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

I think she has damage from a messed up home life growing up. Abuse comes in many forms and whatever she went through has left her with a zero sum game view of relationships. That means someone has to lose for her to win. 

This drives a selfish narcissistic approach were power and control moves to center stage in what makes her feel secure and affirmed. Sharing emotions, telling the truth about difficult things, and egalitarian approaches to life as a couple I think make her feel vulnerable and at risk. 

While she knows me to have a character that is well above average (no one is perfect) it is as if she is unable to trust it or feel right in a relationship she can't control with power, sex, or controlling the narrative with a mix of truth and lies. 

She won't suffer a relationship she cannot control and when she can control it, she loses respect for her partner and seeks romance in others. 

She is physically very beautiful, whip smart, but has esteem issues in there also.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I think she has damage from a messed up home life growing up. Abuse comes in many forms and whatever she went through has left her with a zero sum game view of relationships. That means someone has to lose for her to win.
> 
> This drives a selfish narcissistic approach were power and control moves to center stage in what makes her feel secure and affirmed. Sharing emotions, telling the truth about difficult things, and egalitarian approaches to life as a couple I think make her feel vulnerable and at risk.
> 
> ...


Does that work for you?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Btw, that is a very insightful, accurate description of many of our ex's.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

zillard said:


> Does that work for you?


Hell No.

To answer your question directly, I think somewhere in all that damage and in her own way, she does care for me, but that is not expressed in a way that makes for a healthy relationship.

Thanks


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