# I think I belong here now



## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I got an email from my H is morning. He told me he called our counselor and told her that his heart and head are no longer in our marriage. However, he wants to continue counseling to see if we can make this friendly. He said our counselor wasn't surprised at his reaction and sensed his disconnect in our session. 

He also said he called a lawyer today to see what the next steps would be. I sent him an email back urging him not to do anything legally until our next counseling session. I had to by some time. 

These questions and thoughts keep circling my head:

-Why do we have to remain friends? I can go through a divorce and be civil. 

-Quite frankly I don't want to be his friend if this is his attitude. I don't need him in my life. We have no kids together so there is no real reason to remain buddies. 

-The only reason I can think that he wants to be friends is because he feels GUILTY! 

-He never even tried to work on our marriage. He just up and quit. 

I'm not sure how this weekend will go since our counselor instructed us to spend time together building our friendship. My philosophy is to kill him with kindness. I predict it won't be too long until he no longer wants to go to counseling or participate in our activities.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Oh I am so sorry for you -

and I am with you -

YOU DON"T NEED TO BE FRIENDS 

that is HIS agenda - not yours....

building a freindship while you are still married and one of you wants out????

sorry this may be fine from a detached couselling point of view - (And even then I find it difficult to believe a professional would be suggesting this -) 

but insensitive unintelligent crap from every other - particularly yours 

THERE are consequences when you hurt someone deeply - one of them being you don't get to be 'friends' with them anymore.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

That is rough but hang in there. Sometimes it's not what it seems. let him run. See how far her goes.. It might be him looking at it as hopeless in the current state.. Doesn't have to stay that way.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

I agree entirely with knortoh...These were things he should have worked on in this marriage...Why now?...Marriges are for love and togetherness....Divorces are not for friendship....To me, this is a time of hurt and loss and regret for what happened...I would say move on...Find yourself again, and begin your new life...

Good luck....


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

There is no reason to be friendly but there is no reason to be hateful either. I there is some financial stuff to split, you might as well do it friendly at the kitchen table. Getting lawyers involved is very expensive and emotionally draining. Good luck!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

chuckf75 said:


> There is no reason to be friendly but there is no reason to be hateful either. I there is some financial stuff to split, you might as well do it friendly at the kitchen table. Getting lawyers involved is very expensive and emotionally draining. Good luck!


Big difference between acting friendly and being friends


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## Mavia (Sep 28, 2009)

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Killing him with kindness though will probably only confirm his desire to leave. If he sees you backing off, it might be more of a wake up call for him than if you are chasing after him. I'm not saying to be mean and nasty, but give him the opportunity to miss you and think about what he's really doing.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Mavia said:


> I'm sorry you are in this situation. Killing him with kindness though will probably only confirm his desire to leave.


I think I've given him too much space. My job requires me to be away from home Mon-Fri. I am on the road and live out of a hotel during the week. I've been doing this since the first of June. It's not like he has to deal with me on a daily basis. 

This adds to my other question. Why is he in such a hurry to divorce? Again, he doesn't have to deal with me being home during the week and lately the majority of the weekends I spend at my parents. We've been apart more than we've been together. It's basically like we're divorce already expect that I haven't moved my things out of the house.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I spoke with our counselor today. I told her that my H and I can't even agree on our goals for counseling. I wanted to get her advice on how we move forward. 

She suggested that we take time this weekend to work on our friendship. She said maybe we can agree to be friends at the moment. She also said since my H made it clear as to what he wants (by calling a lawyer) that I need to make it clear to him what I want. 

I still think this friends stuff is total BS!! I can be civil but I don't need to be his friend if he wants to divorce. Like I said earlier, he feels guilty and this friend thing is his way to ease his mind. I find it totally maddening. 

So I think this weekend I'm going to have a true, civil heart to heart. 

I'll admit that I've done wrong, I've hurt him, I haven't been honest with my feelings, and I haven't been happy. I'll also say that I am willing to change to make this relationship better. 

I also want him to confess if he's cheated on me or if he has someone he wants to pursue. I want to understand what the rush is to get a divorce. 

What you guys think of this? 

Also, I just saw tonight that he either de-friended me from his Facebook account or deactivated his account. I thought he wanted to be my friend?? Trivial, I know.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hmmm I really don't understand that sort of counselling - (re work on friendship?)
if your H was being ambiguous - maybe it would be wise -
but as she herself has said - he is clear about what he wants -

are you clear about what you want?

(maybe you are not and that is fine in my book) 

what do you mean when you say you haven't been honest with your feelings?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Becoming friends if you are working on the marriage is smart.

Becoming friends in order to divorce..not smart. Like the others have said...friendly not friends.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

knortoh said:


> what do you mean when you say you haven't been honest with your feelings?


A few years ago I think I went through a short depressed and homesick phase. My H and I had just married, moved, lived in an apartment, and had very few friends. My H worked long hours and left me alone most weekends. I felt cooped up in our small apartment where I had no real outside space (we lived on the second floor with only a very small balcony). One weekend was very low for me and I had a suicidal thought, which scared the crap out of me and made me buck up and pursue happiness. I never told my husband this until we started having issues last month. He now blames himself for my suicidal thought. I can say that I have NEVER been that low since then. I've generally been happy other than missing my family and dealing with this divorce stuff.

I just got off the phone with my H from our required weekly phone call. I know I've been feeling down today and I think my H sounded the same way too. 

He told me he's been running. I find this interesting since he generally enjoys laying on the sofa playing Xbox. Why couldn't he have taken up this hobby when I was around??! How many times did I beg him to go on a walk with me or ride bikes?!? ARGGGH.

He also said he normally sleeps on the sofa now. You'd think he'd be so happy that I'm gone he'd spread out on the king size bed. 

Could he having second thoughts? Is he just asking for sympathy points? Who freaking knows!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

If he's a couch potato he might have just ran around the house! 

I went through a depression for several years. I had plenty of suicidal thoughts. I can say this today. When it was happening I couldn't admit anything. It's was a sad,hopeless time for me. I was selfish but didn't know how to get out of it. I was really lost.
Like my H now. Poor guy. 

You can't read them and if you try you go crazy! Why not the bed...why the coach? Why does he tell you this? over and over and over....never makes sense does it?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

ok 
sorry that you have been struggling in the past and well done for getting through 

why do you think you didn't chat to H then about it? 

as for the current stuff as CW says "who knows" 

the mixed messages continue for me as well 

sadly I am coming to actually lost respect for him over it as I think he is quite manipulative - 

not in a vindicative way - but just because that is how he has operated with me for such a long time....

my advice 

ignore all words 

only actions count at this stage


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

My mind is swimming. I really need some help and understanding. 

I came home this weekend to participate in our "date" as instructed by our counselor. We went to Target, dinner and then walked around the mall. It was awkward to say the least. I think I'd rather get a root canal. We struggled to find things to talk about. My H didn't want to do much of anything. It was clear he was only going on this date because someone instructed him to do so. 

When we got home I told him that my intentions were to still try to fix things and remain married. I said that I was willing to change in order to make things work. Then I asked him what his rush is to get divorced and if there is someone else in the picture. His response: "Sometimes after we talk I get really angry and jump to get a divorce. There is no one else in the picture but I will say that I look at women differently now." 

OUCH. 

From there we started talking again. We were civil but we talked about the same things. We agreed that our issues are more than just my job and wanting to move. 

I asked him if he missed me. He hesitated to answer and I stopped him and said, "if it takes you that long to answer, I know what the answer is." I then asked him if he has doubts about getting a divorce or if we're doing the right thing. His answer: "I don't have any doubt." 

However, he agreed to continue counseling and our activities. I asked him why because it seems pretty pointless at the moment. His response: "because I told you I would." 

ARGGGH!

He also said that the idea to remain friends after the divorce is pretty silly. He realized that it isn't necessary. 

I'm actually rather shocked that he didn't serve me with papers when I walked in the door. Maybe next weekend that will happen. 

I am consumed with anger and hurt right now. But yet I know that if it comes down to it, I will survive and carry on without him in my life.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls I read your post and really felt for you.

how painful hanging out with someone who is making all the signs of going through the motions....

I must say I still don't understand this advice from your counsellor - and my advice: I'd ring her/him and ask her to help you understand what the point of going through this is when it seems like it is just an opportunity for you to feel rotten.

your H sounds resentful and bitter and emotionally detached -

and I agree what is the 'rush' to get divorced? 

that is not kind to you and not fair to your relationship....

I like to say protect yourself and I'd also like to say anger is definitely in order at the moment

yes you will go on without this guy and he isn't doing anything to endear himself at the moment ............

at these times I would drive around and scream - 

seemed to help a bit.

but I would honestly try to get to tbe bottom of the counselling thing - it is such a cop out to say I am doing because I said I would - WTF does that mean??????

my H said that he would start going again before he left as well - but he said it with such venom in his voice that I decided to decline the offer -

no point being around your H when he is saying thsi stuff to you

and WTF about looking at women differently....????

the only woman he should be talking about in your presence is YOU 

sorry this reply is all over the shop - just wanted to empathise with your anger!!!!!!!!!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mls: I've been through the MC route with my H. He also went through the motions. He liked going as he felt he has someone to direct our conversations. He doesn't like confrontations or conflict-so she was his savior from this.

However, he was emotionally detached and eventually it became divorce counseling. How to manage the divorce? How are we going to manage the kids, etc? After a month...I told him. "This is of no benefit to me. I am glad it makes you feel better that you can plan your divorce with a PROFESSIONAL. I am out." Every week, I was distraught after the sessions. Horrible. 

My counselor said to me one day..."S...you don't need to return to this MC. It's no longer a benefit to your goals. You are being emotionally abused. You H is talking about a divorce and has YET to do anything about it. It's all talk!" Thank goodness for her. That was in April. 

He just filed in mid Sept. Of course, I was pulling out the "stops" 
to try to deter it in any way possible.

I know have similarities. Give this MC a second thought. If it's too painful for you. It you see nothing being gained after 4 session or more...reconsider. It's hard to get someone emtionally involved again, after they've checked out. He HAS to want it!!

Why do YOU think he's checked out of the marriage?


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I should say that once my husband told our counselor that his heart and head are out of our marriage, she said it was up to us if we wanted to continue with the activities she had suggested. I think we continued them because we didn't know what else to do. 

I think I was secretly hoping my H would reconsider divorce if he started spending more time with me and maybe some old feelings would surface. Not so much. There is nothing there on his end. 

I told my H last night that I can only take so much rejection from him until I decide to shut down too. He keeps making these little jabs at me (from going to my college's football game without me to telling me he's looking at women differently now). I don't know how much more of that kind of stuff I can take. 

He says the reason he has checked out of the relationship is because he had no idea that I had a suicidal thought 3 years ago or that I've been unhappy where we are now (3-4 hours away from any relatives). He said if he couldn't tell something was wrong with me, then we are not truly in tune with each other. He also blames himself for my feelings. 

I still don't understand his reasons for counseling. I still want us to go to counseling together. Maybe our counselor can shed more light on the situation.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

mls, I empathize with the constant rejection. It does damage.
remember you do have a choice, though. You can end the counseling, if you feel it's only hurting you more.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I'm afraid if I end counseling I'll be forever known as the one who ended it. I'll be the one blamed for not trying.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

You have tried and continue trying. But if his head and heart aren't in it, I fear you will end up hurting more. Of course, counseling can help with closure as well. Do what your gut tells you. Either way, I applaud your determination.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

So he blames his disconnection because you had a suicidal thought and missed your family????? Here we go blame and excuses. 

WHAT role did he play in the disconnection? He states YOUR role...what about his?

This is what I'd do. Tell him that you are going to continue MC. You understands if he just bows out and doesn't attend. Let him off the hook. Tell him it will be good for you to have this individual attention, afterall if you are going to be single then you need some support. Let him know, he's welcome to attend if he feels like he wants to contribute to the marriage. 

I was the same way...hoping that one day he'd come into a session and say "I've made a mistake." The changes come much slower than that, if they are changing. The one changes that come overnight...BEWARE of those....they can change again in either direction.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

CW as always you are on the money

mls - the blame sits with you? 
sorry but that is just a nonsense argument -
I am a logic person and there is NO logic behind that....
just don't waste anytime taking that one on board - throw it out now..you have real things to worry about....

just because you decide that you won't put yourself in a position to be hurt isn't the same as being responisble for ending the relationship.... 

and so what let's play devils advocate - so what if you do decide to end 'this' relationship....

doesn't mean that you stop loving him and that there is no chance for you guys -

just means you have recognised your boundaries and your limits and we all have to have those....


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

knortoh is right....ending the MC puts you in control. YOu won't feel like you have much at this point. Gather what you can. You need to recognize your limits. I felt like I was being beaten emotionally when I stepped into counseling with my H. 

If you are starting to feel this way...bow out.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

My brother had the same reply as you guys as far as ending marriage counseling. 

He said it's been clear all along who wants to end this marriage and that's not me. He said there is no real reason to "save face." 

I still want to go to counseling one more time together. Then I can decide what is the best option. 

Someone on this board said I should get counseling to figure out why I've put up with someone who has consistently put me 2nd or 3rd in his life for 4 years. I think I'm going to take that advice.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

MC doesn't work if both don't work.. I eneded mine cause all it did was make my wife pull back more and want to run more. I don't suggest it unless both want to do it. Now once my marriage is more stable I want to do it again.. Then it will benefit us more.. You deserve better and beating yourself up only keeps you in a bad place.. Why not do counseling by yourself to see what's best??


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

If you feel like one more session than do....continue on your own. However, in all of OUR experiences it takes (2). He said he isn't "in" and his behavior is consistent with the words.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I received another email from my H today (he just can't stay away). He forwarded me an email to him from a mortgage broker. From what I gathered, it had something to do with refinancing our house. We had talked about doing this back in Jan. but decided to wait a bit to see what would happen. 

I'm wondering if he sent it to me because now he wants to keep the house and needs my approval? Is this a smart thing to do right before a possible divorce? I'm thinking no. I don't want to pay closing fees on a house I'm never going to live in again! 

Also, I'm afraid we're going to have a custody battle over our dog (remember I took the dog to my parents because he had fleas). Since then my H hasn't said much about the dog until last weekend when he said his parents (who live 5 minutes from my parents) would be willing to dog-sit if my parents needed help. 

I have in writing from an email where my H said I or my parents could keep the dog. Could this email stand up in court if things got nasty??


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I need to vent tonight. 

I just called my H. I don't know why I reach out to him because every time I do, I end up feeling worse. I just wanted to call him to ask about a few things at home and tell him my weekend plans and when I plan on coming home. 

As usual he could have cared less. He almost seemed annoyed that I called. My bad that I still want to talk to you and still care about our relationship!!

I just don't understand. I am so angry with him. I'm angry that he's given up. He keeps saying that he cares about me and "would take a bullet for me." Really? Because the guy I just got off the phone with could've cared less if I was actually breathing!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I would seriously think about totally backing off. 

When you are the "chasing" him..he is bound to feel cornered. Everything you do, he thinks "this his her trying to win me back." He backs off..you move forward. You get nowhere.

Make him wonder what you are doing and why you haven't called. 

When HE contacts you. No relationship talk. Keep it happy and sweet and short. It's extremely difficult. I did it for 2.5 months.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Thats exactly the same reaction I got from my wife when I was trying to cling to whatever I could. When I backed away, and acted like I did not care, she was drawn in. Now that things have gone past the point of no return, she is quite remorse, even though she is still running towards the OM. If there is a chance, I would agree with CW - back off some, don't call to talk about the relationship. I'm not saying its easy to do, probably will be real hard depending on you feelings. You probably already have, but go back and read CW-s posts on her situation. She was (still is) quite a rock and inspiration for what she went through.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I'm just seconding no1 and CW....
you approach open and honestly - they fight back childishly - you get hurt....
I still crave talking to my H even though it was painful it was contact..
but if he comes to you you will find you can have a completely different type of conversation....


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I totally agree with everything that has been said. I need to back off and appear uninterested. 

The thing is, I rarely talk to my H. We have a set phone call time on once a week. Beyond that, we have no contact. I am on the road with work Monday- Friday staying in hotels. On the weekends I stay with family. 

My phone call last night was approximately 8 minutes long. I called to simply asked about a package I was expecting in the mail and to tell him that I will be coming home on Sunday evening. 

I guess I no longer need to keep him clued in on my life. I'm not going to reach out anymore.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

> I guess I no longer need to keep him clued in on my life. I'm not going to reach out anymore.


Its not easy to let go of someone like this. W and I were together over 10 years, married for nine on the 20th of Oct. Yes, we had trouble, but it is LOTS of shared time. Its HARD to put that away. To break that habbit of having that someone there. Even when we were having trouble, sleeping in separate beds, we still went on trips and did things. Had conversations, and shared experiences.

I am getting more sure of the direction I am heading every day, but along with that, I also am sorrowful for waht is happening. I blame myself for many things, and I know in my heart that it could have been different for a whole slew of reasons - communication, time for us, more romance, better job, probably the same things you are thinking. its tough to look back and think about these things. However, you do have to start looking forward too. I'm not saying that it has to be this week. It is different for everyone in their own emotional situation, their feelings, their family. But, when you start to look forward, you can start to make peace with what has happened. As long as you have tried what you think is complete and reasonable to get this fixed, you can hold your head up high and say you did your best.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I received another email from my H (seriously, enough with the emails!). 

He wanted to tell me that he will not be going with me to our counseling session. He wants to go to a session by himself. I'm not surprised. But I am a little upset that we only went to 1 session together. Judging from the first session, it was going to be a waste of time since he has been so disconnected. 

He also wanted to tell me that he will be staying in a hotel tonight and Monday night when I am home. Apparently he can't even stand to be in the same house with me. 

I think I'm ready to move on. I am so freaking tired of dealing with this.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

oh mls 
I am so sorry
you have been through so much
and you have reached your limit - understandable ....
keep that anger going and move on with your life 
keep on venting and staying in touch here...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The emails probably have something to do with not wanting the direct conflict. 

mls it's probably just as well that he drops the MC sessions if he was so disconnected on the first. They won't work with (1) participating. Been there and you end up MORE emotionally exhausted hoping for a forward-moving experience only to get the run around. Really I felt I was being emotionally abused! I am the one that decided to quit.

The hotel thing....total avoidance. Wow! Let him do whatever. Pretend you don't care with a smile. Whatever! That should be your phrase. He's behaving like a child at this point. Let him have his individual sessions and figure himself out.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

My H just dropped by to hand me our divorce papers. 

It's officially over. 

He said he's the one who changed and wants different things but he still blames me because I didn't tell him about my brief period of depression and the suicidal thought I had 3 years ago. He was so deeply hurt by that that he can't move forward, even though I haven't had those feelings since then. 

I got pretty angry with him once he started putting the blame on me. I believe I said that it was total bullsh#t and started yelling. I did calm down. 

When he left I just turned around and said, "see ya" and slammed the door. Childish, probably. 

I am really hurt. I'm hurt over the fact that someone dislikes me so much they had to legally file to "do away" with me. Am I really that horrible of a person to be with? 

I saw this coming from a mile away but it still hurts so bad.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls I am so sorry - everyone seems to be having a tough ol time at the moment...........
blaming you is nonsense and you know it...don't even go there
they'll try anything 
look after youself and slam as many doors as you want....no need to keep your anger in check -
hey if it helps kick a hole in it...I've done worse


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I just went through the house and took down all of the pictures from our wedding and the two of us together. 

It seems unfair they are still on the wall. What a flippin joke!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Nonsense pure and simple. Blaming you is utterly the most stupid excuse ever...that you had suicidal thoughts! He sounds like a whimp that couldn't handle crap. 

Gotta tell ya...you slamming the door terrific! 

No more walking on eggshells and figuring out the way to behave for you!

Now you are free to be yourself and all it's glory! Take care and I'm sorry it happened this way. So abrupt.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls31 said:


> I just went through the house and took down all of the pictures from our wedding and the two of us together.
> 
> It seems unfair they are still on the wall. What a flippin joke!


very cathartic - good stuff


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I have a legal advice question (do they have a "legal" category on this board?)

Since my H has already filed, do I need to find a lawyer in this county and state to represent me? It would be a lot easier for me to work with a lawyer that is close to my parents (in a different state) since I'm living there now. Anyone have any advice on this?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Yes you will need a lawyer who licensed in the state where the divorce will be handled. Sorry. County isn't as big an issue except that the lawyer has to be located in the general vicinity of the action or res.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Not sure where you live but if it's close to the other state I wonder if a lawyer can be licensed in more than one state? Maybe that would help.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Lawyer's can be licensed in more than one state.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Thanks for the help. I was wondering if it would be easier to find a lawyer since my H has already filed. 

The celebs seem to be able to do this. They seem to use high power attorneys from all over to deal with their high stakes divorces.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Today was the first day I didn't wear my wedding rings. It seems really weird to not have them on after constantly wearing them for 6 years. I don't even know what to do with them now. Do I give them back to my H? Do I get his? Can I pawn it? 

I've started to tell close friends that I'm getting a divorce. For a long time I've felt totally ashamed of my situation. Now, I'm tired of putting on a fake smile and saying everything is okay. It's been good to tell people and realize all the friends that I have (even if I don't get to see them often). 

The whole legal aspect is really driving me nuts. I don't want to deal with it but I want it over. Several times I've thought, "I wonder what D would do" and then I realize HE is the one causing all this crap. It sucks not have him to turn to when I need help. This will be an adjustment... one of many.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Wow! You sound really strong...taking off rings and wanting it over.

I still wear my rings and plan on doing so until I feel like taking them off. I will save mine. I have a very expensive gorgeous 20 year anniversary band that will need to be dealt with...Maybe I will save them for my kids? 

It's amazing how things move slowly but somehow fast. Hard to describe. Stay strong. You are amazing.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

All through our "separation" I would look at my rings and it only brought me pain. In fact, there were several times I caught myself staring at them for long periods of time. They were a constant reminder of the pain and hurt I'm going through. I'm going with the out of sight, out of mind theory. We'll see how that works. 

I still miss him. Wait... I miss the H that I knew 4 months ago. I wonder if this feeling will ever go away?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree. You miss the person that used to be. Me too! For me it was over a year ago....maybe 2. It's all a blurr right now. 

I think we will have tender thoughts of our marriage (the good times) but as time goes by...the missing is less and less. Time is a healer I have found. Plus I pray ALOT!


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

UGH the rings. I had such a hard time taking them off. I now wear the original band on my left ring finger. I had it on a necklace but then moved it. It makes my stomach turn to see that the H has not worn his in a year and 1/2. There isn't even a line on his finger anymore.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I took mine off in revenge when my H told me he hadn't been wearing it for 4 months -
I still feel naked but am noticing it less...


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

"working on your friendship" per your counselors request sounds a bit strange at this stage of the game . . . . If your husband has readily admitted that he is not willing to continue to work on the marriage then unfortunately there is not much you can do on your own. It has to be both of you working together if you want to save your marriage & that doesn't seem to be the case. 

Absolutely, things will be much easier if you can be civil to each other throughout this process but to work on "friendship" doesn't seem to make sense. 
Try to keep the focus on you & what you want, what will make you happy & make decisions based on that. 
good luck in the months ahead


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

My H faithfully still wears his ring. He wants the divorce and has filed. Who knows why? I will feel naked without mine. My counselor told me before I take it off to find a replacement ring to put on.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Tonight I went to the movies by myself. It wasn't as bad as I pictured. Although I was the only "single" person there. Oh well, people don't take note when the lights go off.

Besides, I better get used to it. This is just one of the many things I'll get to do by myself! 

I had a meeting for work all day today with one of my bosses. I want to tell him what's going on and that I may possibly be taking off more work in the future. However, I couldn't do it. I worried that I'd start crying and I didn't want to make a scene. Maybe I can do it tomorrow. With my job being rather complicated (LOTS of travel), I don't want them to wonder why I'm taking off several days. I shouldn't worry because both of my bosses are very understanding.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mls: I like your style! What the heck...might as well get used to it. My mantra lately as well. Even eating out by myself---that's a big deal.

Wonderful idea to let the boss know...it might explain some of the moods or time off etc. It's great that you have a supportive boss. How lucky! Even if you do cry...that's ok. Many people have been where we are or know someone close to them in our position.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls I found when I told my work colleagues they were incredibly understanding and I did cry - but most people want to help and they feel honoured that you trust them and let them knwo what is going on in your life -
and I am glad to hear that you went to a movie alone - I have done that in the past when I have been single and it's not bad!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

My wife takes hers off al the time. Most of the time to swap for white gold cause the yellow gold clashes. Still during our process she took them off. For her it was a sybol of wanting out of the marriage. I think the rings are an image of her support for her heart in this marriage. I asked her in the past about it and she told me we are only married via a piece of paper. So I guess now that she has them on again we are married via her heart. She put them back on after my emotional cry past Sunday. She went out of her way to find them and put them back on. Was nice. So I guess you taking them off means your heart is moving away from the marriage. That's good for now.. I wouldn't pawn them yet. Things can change..


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Today was a hard day. This morning I logged into my Facebook account. It's one of the few ways I can keep track of my H. I noticed he posted some pictures of him and his cousin at a football game yesterday. 

This hit me hard. One because I didn't know he was going to the game. Two because he looked so happy in the pictures with his cousin. Three, I still find him attractive. 

I guess in my mind he should be sitting home alone, depressed and sad that we're not together. It's just so freaking hard to realize they are happy and having fun without us in the picture. 

Yesterday was good and bad. 

Good: I met up with a good friend for some retail therapy. I need to keep myself busy and make more friends! 

Bad: we found out that my sister-in-law's dad has brain cancer that has progressed and moved to his spine. He's 61 with a short amount of time left. Just more proof that life is unpredictable and totally unfair!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls I admire your ability to see the good and bad - there always is but it doesn't mean the hurting bits don't keep on hurting...can you stay away from facebook for a while? I just know I had to have a period of avoiding my H as much as I could -


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mls: I know exactly what you mean when you see your H having fun and a smile on his face! It's depressing that he's able to do so. 

I think the facebook thing will fade over time. I used to check my H's cell records daily...sometimes I forget and it still suprises me.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I have to be careful of checking FB and other ways of seeing J's activity. I become a little crazy and it produces great anxiety.

Thinking of you, mls.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Yes, I've got to quit doing things that cause me anxiety and hurt, like checking his FB page. I've got to stick to the out of sight, out of mind theory. 

I realized why I was so hurt when I saw his FB pictures today. Since August, the H that I saw was hurt, detached and generally acted as if someone purposely ran over his new puppy. I have not seen the happy, fun loving H that I know so well since late July-early August. That's the H that I know and still love. 

I was doing so well and trying to be optimistic until I logged on my computer this morning. I guess everyone has good and bad days. 

I still somewhat blame myself for this divorce. Stupid, I know.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mls: I think we all have some blame for our relationship breakdown. But put the blame on the divorce to our H's. They choose to walk or run away without due process. 

By the way, those facebook pictures or any pictures don't guarantee happiness. When I was depressed I had lots of "smiling" pictures during parties and travel. However, inside I was numb. 

You can never tell what's really going on. Do you think he'd post a frowning, arms crossed, picture on facebook? Haha


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Exactly precisely - facebook is no measure of true happiness...could be quite the opposite...I remember that my nephew who is a psychologist told me when my husband left not to read too much into how he was when I saw him - he said that it was a tiny slice of his life....

Just on the no contact thing I had to open a whole new email account just for correspondece from my H - I was getting anxiety attacks every time I sat down at the computer - but the new email has worked - I never check it! and he now knows not to use my work one!

Blame I think about that loads too - it feels like it would be easier of I knew what to blame about myself - I keep on asking myself and my counsellor what I did...the whole "it takes two to tango" ....but only one to walk away from a marriage it would seem....

in our cases our H's can't say what we have done to contribute ...even they acknowledge it's all about them....


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I leave my wife's FB alone. I won't be her friend and she's not mine. Though I don't sign into it. She has my username and password to mine but I don't have hers. I don't want it either.. I don't do anything there any way. Still people need an out. Well she has no idea about this site though so thats my private world. I am not sure how she would take my posts on here. I was a bit harsh and I think it would worry me so i can see why she needs FB for herself. Probably for the same reasons..


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Today was also hard. I'm also back to not sleeping well again. I don't think I've had a decent night of sleep since July!

My thoughts today have focused on: how do I let go? 

How do you get to that point where you let go of the person you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with? The person who knows your secrets and dreams. 

I have a feeling that my H will quickly be on the dating scene (if he's not there now). How can I be okay seeing him with or knowing he's with someone else? 

How or when will he stop being my husband in my mind? Will I always think he's supposed to be with me?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mls: I don't know how to get them out of our mind. I wish I knew but I suspect that it will just take time. 

I also pretend not to care if he begins dating. However, I know the moment I hear or see that he is will be devastating. Just devastating. It's ok and natural to feel that way.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Just a thought. 

Did any of you think when you got married that there would be a possibility of divorce?

I have to be honest and say that divorce did cross my mind when I got married. Only because I was 23 years old and knew that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's a staggering statistic.

Was this a sign? Just curious if I'm the only one with these thoughts.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Divorce didn't cross my mind until the last few years of a 24 year marriage. I really thought it wouldn't happen to us!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Never... always thought we'd work it out - too sensible love our kids too much - happens to other people etc...


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

Never considered divorce....always thought it was something that happened to other couples with BIG problems like abuse, infidelity etc.....then BAM here I am with a walk away wife! I am still numb over the whole thing..


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Yes as my counsellor said I have the _creme de la creme_ of relationship troubles....still people can leave over that...


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I would never divorce my wife. She doesn't believe me but I take my vows seriously.. I know I stretched some with the love and cherrish part but I don't think I broke any. If we are going to change the world we have to make the moves to show our kids what's really important. Your family together will teach them to work for their marriage and have less divorces..


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

For the last few days I've been beating myself up a little thinking that I'm the one who caused this divorce. 

My H told me one of the reason he wanted to divorce was because he couldn't get past the fact that I had a suicidal thought 3 years ago. He blames himself for my feelings then. He blames himself for not even recognizing how depressed I was then. 

That made me believe that I was the cause for all of this. Until I remembered that HE was the one who initially brought up divorce and the fact that he thought we would be happier apart. It wasn't until a few weekends later that I brought up my depression issue. 

Maybe he would have been more willing to work on our marriage if I wouldn't have told him about my suicidal thought (or if I would have told him sooner). But he can't use that as an excuse when it seemed he had already made up his mind prior to me telling him about it.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

mls, it's easy to start thinking of all of the things you may have done or not done to contribute to the situation. Hindsight is a *****. But please try not to take all the blame upon yourself.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mls: I am sorry but the suicidal thoughts defense doesn't work. 

It's like saying you had thoughts of Brad Pitt during sex and that's why he left. 

Many people don't share there thoughts....suicidal thoughts. It's not abnormal at all. When they do..it's usually to a supportive audience that is willing to HELP them...not condemn them. 

It just a blatant excuse on his part. Let's just blame the victims (for lack of a better word). Geeesh!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I swear today was ridiculous. 

My H emailed me again asking about some general financial questions. I then asked him about our savings account that he set up a year or so ago. I don't have the pin number, therefore I didn't know for sure how much we had in the account. I also asked him for my half of the money. I told him that if he didn't feel comfortable splitting the money, we could wait until litigation. 

He then replies, "what do you mean litigation? Do I need to get a lawyer?" 

WTF!?! Don't you have a lawyer? You know, the one who prepared your divorce papers???

He proceeded to tell me that the lawyer told him that once I signed the papers, in 60 days we would be divorced. Simple as that. Never mind the fact that we own a house, have cars, debts, etc. How are those going to get divided "equitably"? 

I would like for him to keep the house. However, he would have to refinance in order to get my name off the mortgage (I don't want to be tied to anything) and he would have to qualify by himself. 

Ugh. Just more things I do not want to deal with... including him!!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls31 said:


> He then replies, "what do you mean litigation? Do I need to get a lawyer?"
> 
> WTF!?! Don't you have a lawyer? You know, the one who prepared your divorce papers???
> 
> ...


That's my H! 
it's nice guy stuff - 
it's a load of crap...
as my counsellor says it's one of those "I can't beleive he did that moments"...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Haha! What did he think was going to happen?


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Today I was talking with a guy in the office where I am currently stationed and he asked me if I was married or had a family. I kind of froze but quickly talked about my parents, brother and where I grew up. I didn't mention my H at all. That was different. 

I think this guy was checking me out because he kept coming into the office to use the copy machine and chit chat. Quite the self esteem booster but still very awkward. 

Since I do a lot of traveling with my job, I'm constantly running into new people who want to know about my family or if I am married. I'm not sure how I approach this subject. Do I just come out and say, "I'm going through a divorce" or do I just graze over the subject and talk about my parents etc.?


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> Haha! What did he think was going to happen?


I think he thought that we could divide everything and just wait 60 days. 

Most divorces involve some type of debt and assets discussion, correct? Isn't there usually some type of meeting with both parties to resolve these issues, which are then recorded in the divorce decree?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's often better to decide..together how you are going to divide things. Get an attorney involved and they will just charge you money. Do everything that you can without an attorney. 

Of course, many times, it doesn't work that way.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I'm going to start an itemized list of things I brought into the relationship, things I purchased solely, items purchased together, and what I want. I would start there mls. Don't give that power over to an attorney or your H. Take action and slap him into reality!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Good idea Wren. Start writing things down and their value.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

You know J and I still haven't done that he took some stuff when he left and I didn't care - he's asked for some more stuff and I didn't reply - I figure when he's ready to come and get it he will...
we really don't have a whole lot - don't kow why exactly - late bloomers/ not materialistic...
last night at his plce I noticed he had one of my favourite table cloths - I said
"I was wondering where my favourite table cloths had gone"
he said I only took two!
"Yes and they were my favourites"
we were both joking...
humour is wonderful thing


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

mls.. the seperations is getting to you. You are still a women and you still have desires.. Your need to feel like somebody wants you is pushing through. It's a very dangerous area and if your ok wth that road know all of what it entails. As for the stuff take the lead if he won't push the process cause maybe he needs to see what's going to happen..


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Or maybe he is just lazy on details like my H...


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I am toying with the idea of sending my H one last email concerning the breakdown of our marriage. There are still so many unanswered questions. Since he won't go to marriage counseling together, I may never get closure. 

Up until August 19 things were going well. Not great considering the fact that I was away on work during the week but we were doing okay. August 22 he told me that he had been thinking for awhile and wondered if we would be happier apart. He also confessed that his feelings for me had changed. 

It still seems so very, very sudden to have such a drastic change of heart. Something or someone had to trigger this change and he won't tell me. Maybe I don't need to know?

So on one hand I want to send him an email (talking gets us nowhere) and on the other I just want to be done. Three weeks ago I went home and poured my heart out to him. I told him I was willing to change to make things work. Since my speech seemed to fall on deaf ears, maybe I should just work on myself and try to move on. 

Any thoughts? Anyone else dealing with closure issues?


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

I am having the basic same issues with my wife. So far I've been told that she has been unhappy for a long time.....I apparently didn't see the signs and by the time she told me she was done it was too late. I suppose this same thing could happen with your H. I, as many have suggested on here, found out my wife began having an EA shortly before she "broke the news" to me. You could write your letter but I am sure it will fall on deaf ears from all that you have said. Most suggest that you just back off and leave him alone. Maybe he will realize what he is losing...maybe not but it's probably the only chance you have. I am sorry for what you are going through....believe me I know the pain....I am living it everyday.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

mls, I understand the need for closure. And I understand the confusion and pain of unanswered questions. But I've come to realize I may never get what I want or need. You can ask until you turn blue, He may not have the answers. He may not be capable of a thought process that can fill in the blanks.

If you need or want to get some things off yours chest without the expectation of answers, I say go for it. You deserve to have your voice heard. If waiting for a reply or disappointment in the reply will cause you anxiety or pain, spare yourself for now.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls - if you read my most recent post you will see that I am beginning to get a bit of closure with my H - but my turmoil has been going on 12 months...the fullness of time does yeild up some 'truths' I have found - you are correct to question your H...and if it will help you to articulate things go for it 
but I also think that at this early stage I wouldn't be expecting a whole lot to be forthcoming....

what I realsied today was that I was talking to mt H for me and not for him...so I feel I got some closure for myself - no answers - but still some closure ....


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

K...again you have hit this right on!

Closure if for you and you may not get the answers you need.

K might not and I may not either. It's because our H's don't have the answers themselves.

As the other posters have said...if you are expecting some answers you may rethink the email. If you are expecting to vent and let loose and it will make you feel better-send the email.

Some things are just as they seem-crazy!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

You guys are right. I decided to not send the email. Maybe in a way it's better not knowing. Besides, I'm sure it won't do a damn bit of difference if I do send it. 

The past few days have been really hard. This evening I chatted online with my H. He is adopting a dog (probably since I took ours). I am happy he is adopting because I've always been a big advocator of it. He also told me his best friend will be moving into our house in December (if he can refinance and keep the house). It sounds like they'll have quite the bachelor pad. He would like me to move my stuff out by the end of Nov. but says he doesn't care if it takes a little longer. 

It just hurts so much to see him moving on so easily. He's out making plans and adopting dogs! I'm living at home with my parents. I have a handful of good friends still here in my hometown but the majority of my weekends are spent with my parents and my pets. It's actually rather depressing. Don't get me wrong, I am SO thankful to have such supportive parents. 

It also hurts to know the house I poured my heart and elbow grease into will turn into a bachelor pad. 

I don't know. I'm having such a hard time letting go and moving on and yet it's so easy for him. I guess I'm a little jealous. 

Tonight I removed him as a friend from Facebook. I can't stand to see his updated "single" status and his happy go-lucky pictures. Especially when part of me is still in love with him and part of me can't stand him.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Gee whiz! He's not only moving quickly but putting his "single" status sounds iffy! I don't know..he's had this in his mind for a long while. 

I'm sorry to hear how "nice" he's being. Doesn't it seem like he's rubbing it in your face? Maybe he's not intentionally but it must feel that way.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls yes you can tell from your posts that you still have feelinsg of tenderness and boy does it hurt when they seem so happy - at least you are having a truthful emotional time - little consolation I know but when you are through you'll be through - he may just keep on wandering...I wouldn't chat with him - it's too early


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Man it does sck when they seem so composed about there decisions but there are things he hasn't experienced yet. It's almost he's a kid with lower responsibilities. Workingout the minor details but the big ones are not being focused now. It will get tough for him eventually. Some day he will face it


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

oh mls, I know it hurts. God, do I know. I would try to detach more. Just be easy with yourself. Take care of you.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> Man it does sck when they seem so composed about there decisions but there are things he hasn't experienced yet. It's almost he's a kid with lower responsibilities. Workingout the minor details but the big ones are not being focused now. It will get tough for him eventually. Some day he will face it


I'm not sure he ever will have tough time. I think he wants to continue living this carefree-don't-think-about-the-big-picture life. I don't know if he's capable of growing up and taking a close look at the decisions he has made. Especially if his parents fuel his fire. 

As for his future relationships, I don't know. If he treats them like he did me, they won't last. But who knows. 

I'm going to continue working on me. I need to make more friends and keep myself busy. I pray every night that God is guiding me in the right direction.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mls: God will guide you...you just have to keep an open mind and move forward (like you're doing). 

I keep moving on...the best that I can. Lately, I've felt like doing nothing. I keep forcing myself to do things. I'm not overbusy but I like to have something planned every day (even if it's small).


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I'm doing better today. My parents and I are brainstorming on how to get my stuff moved and into a storage unit. I think I will feel a lot better once I get my stuff out of the house. 

I know my last day in our house is coming. When I go back to pack it will be very difficult. I really loved and cared for our little house. Once my stuff is out, I truly will be closing one door/chapter of my life for good.

Last night I was up until 1:00 am. I think I was having a panic attack. Everything seemed so surreal. The fact that my H is happy and making plans without me hit me REALLY hard. 

I hope someday soon I'll won't have to cry into my pillow.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I think you'll feel better also once you move out-totally.

It's nice that you have the support of your parents. It's also nice that you don't have kids together. 

It's all overwhelming and surreal at the same time.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

It's happening very quickly for you isn't it? Maybe this is a good thing to help you move on - yuo sound very practical and motivated and gald to hear those parents are doing the right thing!


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

mls, I'm glad you have support and are making some plans. I know it doesn't soothe the pain, but you are taking some control. And that's courageous!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I tried today to set up another appointment with our counselor. I would like to meet with her one more time before I move out. 

She informed me that my H has taken over the remainder of our sessions we had scheduled. Apparently he is seeking counseling on his own. I'm a bit surprised by this since he seemed so sure of his decisions and future. 

Have any of you tried a divorce or grief support group? If so how did you find it and was it worthwhile? I feel like I still need some support and understanding of my emotions.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I am currently in a divorce group now through my church. It's excellent! Try it...there is nothing like bonding with people that are going through similar circumstances. 

By the way...your H is hurting. He my pretend not to....in front of his friends and you but he isn't attending counseling because he likes to talk! haha


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

too true - getting anything out of these guys is like pulling teeth - how cheeky to steal your sessions though! they just don't think....do they?
I have been having counselling for 1 year now! the seasons come and go and still I am there - as you go on with a counsellor the sorts of converstaions that you can have really develop...its i so worth it - I'd sell my house to be able to keep it up - couldn't get through without it...


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I think I had mentioned here once before that my sister-in-law's father was recently diagnosed with brain cancer. The cancer has rapidly progressed which has caused him to be immobile, only recognizes his close family, and is unable to hold a conversation. His time is very limited and he's only 61. 

My sister-in-law's family and my family are pretty close. I can't imagine what they are going through. However, I can probably somewhat relate to the grief that her mother is enduring. It has been a heart wrenching few months for both of our families. 

I had a thought today where I wondered if something bad happened to me now, if my H would show up to care for me? I highly doubt he would give me the level of care and compassion he once had. I just have this overwhelming sense that he doesn't even care about me now. 

I really shouldn't worry myself with these thoughts. After all, I should be moving on and not worry myself with someone who may or may not care about me.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mls: It's normal...I think the same thing. If I were sick or had this illness or broke my leg...would he care? I imagine myself in those conditions. Funny thing, in my mind, he would care for me??


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

same had the same thoughts - when my H was very depressed early on he said that he had suicidal thoughts - but also thought that a way out of the mess that we were in was if "one of us died" - how is that for negative thinking??? not only is it totally bizaar that he had this thought imagine sharing that thought with your lifelong partner! he really is a simple soul... 

I am actually laughing as I write this - but it completely freaked me out - I kept on imagining scenarios where I came home with a bad test result and he his first thought was 'an escape plan'!!!!!!!! 

just for the record I think they'd be all over us if we were sick....


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Thats a tough call.. It could be what brings him back.. Almost like snaping out of the hazy they are in to see the reality of life instead of the crap around the marriage. It would put things in perspective. We tend to lose that and get upset at the dumb things..


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Your correct LH. When my H's landlord died unexpectedly it brought up the sadness of life. How this guy died, in jail and alone was heartbreaking. Even the last month of his life-lonely. My H was a witness to this.

Then, my son is going through a crisis. Where would we be without family? 

My son is even getting this at 21 years....who is going to be there for you at your darkest hour?

The people who LOVE you want the best for you. They are patient and kind (for the most part). They want to help if you are sick and fallen. They don't ask for anything in return. What is the benefit of being alone...I ask myself. My H wants to be alone when he left.

Now...I believe he is reevaluating that statement!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

knortoh said:


> same had the same thoughts - when my H was very depressed early on he said that he had suicidal thoughts - but also thought that a way out of the mess that we were in was if "one of us died" - how is that for negative thinking??? not only is it totally bizaar that he had this thought imagine sharing that thought with your lifelong partner! he really is a simple soul...


I mentioned on here before that I had a suicidal thought a few years ago. 

Throughout our marriage I was never happy with the amount of hours my H spent at work and the fact that when he came home he was too exhausted from working to spend time with me. This argument was constant. 

Finally, I had this thought that maybe it would be better if I were dead. Then we would never have this constant argument. I had this feeling back then that both of us were unhappy. 

I know this is a totally whacky and messed up way of thinking! In fact, just the thought of suicide scared the crap out of me. I decided to buck up and get happy. And I did. 

And the fact that I never told my H about this until our marriage blew up, is why he wants to divorce.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls have you ever got to the next part of that argument and got an explanation out of him ? 

ok he says that he needs to divorce you because you once had a suicidal thought -

but what is his thinking that connects these two events - because they need to be connected for him to act

he was shocked by the idea of how much you relied on him for happiness (not logical because through your own admission you dealt with it) ....

is it - he thought he wasn't doing right by you - to make yoou feel that bad?

still think it's crap but if he using it as a rationale for his decision it would be nice to know the whole argument and not just the short version....


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I think his reasoning is as follows:

-He had no idea that I was having these thoughts a few years ago. He believes we are out of tune with each other if he couldn't figure out something this major was affecting me.

-I was so unhappy with him that I considered suicide. This is his main thought (but I didn't and still don't blame him. This was something going on in my head that I had to figure out)

-He is happy with the amount of hours he works and the effort he put into our marriage. If I was that unhappy with it, then we shouldn't be together.

This is what I've gathered from him on his reasons for divorcing. Not sure if it's 100% accurate.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I gotta tell you...it more of an excuse than a reason.

It sounds to me like he said "you had problems with me...then I'm out!"

Like we said before...very FISHY!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Yep it's fishy - looking for excuses - lame ones at that -


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Yeah it sounds like he is just pushing it all on you. If he doesn't see the damage he did to the relationship he will face it someday.. Wether its with you or somebody else but patterns will continue to happen until somebody breaks them.. This is why people have more then one divorce.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

The last few days I've had a sunnier outlook. I feel as though I can manage life on my own and I'm excited about the possibilities with my new life. However, I still have times where I think about my H and miss him. 

I talked today to one of my co-workers who is also going through this crazy travel training program. She is also married but is having difficulties. She told me today that she wants out and isn't happy. I told her that divorce is hell and that she should try to work on things before she calls it quits. However, a lot of our stories are fairly similar. 

It's sad yet comforting to know I'm not alone.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls excitement about the future is great - build on this...see where it takes you


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I have a hard day tomorrow. My family and I are going to visit my brother, sister-in-law and her father (the one suffering from brain cancer). This will probably be the last time we see him before he is truly gone. This situation just further proves how life is totally unpredictable and unfair. 

I'm feeling pretty lonely tonight. I really miss having someone around. Thank goodness for my dog (or really our dog that I'm keeping) who likes to snuggle with me. However, I would love to cuddle up on the couch with my H and watch a movie tonight. 

I've had several friends call me over the past few days. It amazes me how many supportive people I have in my life. But it still doesn't help this lonely feeling I have.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Good luck with tomorrow mls.

those nights can be damn lonely - I was driving home ls night and saw families together picking up pizzas for Friday night together and I was so angry - and sad and angry and sad - you know how it goes...


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Damn lonely indeed. 

I'm just upset that I don't have date nights anymore. I can't imagine watching other happy families (with kids) and feeling that emotion. I was on board to have kids in the next 2-3 years. I guess I haven't allowed myself to go down that road of knowing kids are not in my anywhere near future. That road is way to painful. 

I just checked our joint checking account online tonight. Apparently my H got his puppy today. There was a charge from the local vet's office. However, it's a different vet than the one we have always used. He must not have even liked the vet we went to. 

I hope his new puppy doesn't pee and chew on all of my furniture!!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

and I hope it does chew on all of your H's !


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I hope the puppy chews his shoes too!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Aww MLS I know the feeling. It's hard when your alone... Makes you think of what was. Hang in there hun..


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Last weekend was tough. It was good to see my brother and sister-in-law; however, the circumstances as to our visit was very difficult. I don't think my sister-in-law's father will make it much longer. His body has already started shutting down. 

Everyone seemed okay and was dealing with things fairly well. However, when I saw my sister-in-law's mother, I immediately started crying. I felt in a way we are both going through a difficult grieving process. 

I haven't spoken to my H in over a week. No calls, texts or emails. I need to get in touch with him to tell him that I'm coming next week to pick up some more of my stuff. I don't want him or his new puppy anywhere near. 

I am dreading even talking to him. 

This week has been better. I am accepting the fact that I will soon have an ex-H. I know I will make it and time will make things better.

A big part of me wants to go out to the bar, have too much to drink and flirt with every guy who looks my way. It would be nice to know that someone finds me attractive. 

I guess I'll settle for my dog by my side and a good glass of wine.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Sometimes I feel the same MLS regarding bars and flirting. Then you go, and there is nobody to flirt with...

Hang in there.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I swear I'm about to pull out my hair!

I sent my H an email yesterday asking about the status of the house and our cars. I told him I'd like to remove my name from our home mortgage, which means he'll have to refinance the house in his name. 

He asked me why I was in such a hurry to do this and if I was worried that he would stop paying and leave me in charge of the mortgage payments. I told him that I know he's a good person (at least I think) but I don't know the person he is today and that I was doing what I thought was best for me. Besides, I don't want to have a mortgage linked to my credit report if I decide to buy a house somewhere down the road. 

Apparently this pissed him off because he replied with: "I am the same person I always have been." 

HA!!!!! Seriously!?!

I want to reply with this:
_Same person, huh?

Well the D I knew would be devastated to come home to an empty house. The D I knew would work on our marriage and sort through our issues. The D I knew would've realized we had issued and did something about them. The D I knew would support me in my new job, care about my hopes and dreams and worked with me to accomplish our shared hopes and dreams. The D I knew would've invited me to the football game 3 weeks ago. The D I knew wouldn't have told me "I'm looking at girls differently now." 

And overall: the D I knew would be absolutely devastated over the fact that we are no longer going to share our life together!!! _

Should I hit send? Or should I focus on moving on?


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I'm not sending the message. It's too painful to even attempt to have a conversation with my H. Why open myself up to more hurt?

Tonight the loneliness is closing in on me. It's overwhelming. I know once I settle and complete my training program for work that I will be coming home to an empty house. No one will be there to ask how my day was or give me a hug. No one will call me to tell me they're on their way home from work. 

It will be me and me only. I'm not prepared to deal with this type of loneliness.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Your smart MLS....he doesn't like when you start taking control does he? Haaaa...that shows how out of control he is anyway.

Limit your contact as the pain is too tough. He'll find out the grass isn't greener.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Out of control is an understatement. In his email he asked me how I was doing and if I was still enjoying my job. 

HA! As if I'm going to chit chat with him and tell him how I'm doing. Once he filed for divorce, he doesn't get that option of knowing anything about my personal or professional life. That comment really irked me. Besides, I know he doesn't care!!

This week I've told a lot of people about my situation. I'm tired of constantly wondering/fearing that people will ask me about my H. I figured it would be better if I go a head and tell them what's up. 

I found out from my former hairdresser (who also styles my mom and my mother-in-law's hair) that she had no idea about our divorce. Apparently, my mother-in-law hasn't said a word! This shocks the heck out of me because I assumed she'd throw me under the bus the first chance she got.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's amazing how sometimes people surprise you (mother in law, husband, etc).

That chit chat...welcome to my world! My H called to tell me who he ran in to today..what they said (details) and how they know about this n that. OK...he called first to tell me that I didn't have to drop D off...he'd pick her up. 

He thinks we are buddies I guess. I'll be buddies with you....during the divorce.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

I can't believe these guys call to chit chat and be buddies with you. It boggles my mind and I'M A GUY! I suppose it goes to show how men are not the most emotional creatures on earth. (A duh! statement) 
;-)


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Darn it D8zd! I was hoping YOU could explain....

I think it lends to the fact that we are dealing with surpressed emotions. My H still feels connected to me and alone.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

I think the reason I can't relate to their need to chit chat is because my W and I are not close at all. I mean it's getting close to "War of the Roses". If we were to chit chat, it would be more name calling and emotional beatdown.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I firmly believe that if I'd been mean and nasty to my H, he'd cut off this "let's be friends and chit-chat" crap. 

Since I've been fair and friendly, I think he sees it as an opportunity to still remain close. Therefore, he doesn't look like the bad guy.

If that ain't a load of crap-ola!


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Same here, mls. Just plain out selfishness- just as long as their needs are met. Screw our needs.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

MLS: You are right...we keep the door open for the chit chat.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I had a very weird dream the other night. I had a dream that my H came back. It was the H I loved and remembered (not this mean, detached and depressed person). In my dream, I remember looking at his face. It felt so real, like was really looking at him. I've never had a dream that vivid. I was so happy and excited that it was my old H and that he'd come back!

It was only a dream. I seriously feel like my H died or vanished. And it still angers me that he said "I'm the same person I've always been" earlier in the week. 

I have a heavy heart today. My sister-in-law's father passed away during the night. He was too young.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls I am sorry for your loss - and the way they can appear so vividly in dreams - it is very confronting.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm glad I don't have many dreams that I can remember. They stay with you.

Sorry about your loss. Was your H close to him?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

It alwaysseems like when it rains it pours.. Sorry to hear of your loss..


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Oh boy. Hold on. This one is going to long. Bear with me.

To make my week even worse, my H sent me an email this morning to tell me that his grandma passed away Sunday night. She had some health issues and was 87. I considered her my grandma since my own grandmother's passed away several years ago.

My H informed me he was on his way home to be with his family. "Home" is the same town I've been living in, where my parents live too. 

I texted him to ask him if I could talk to him later in the day because I was concerned for him and had some financial questions. He suggested we meet in person since we'll be in the same town (I haven't seen him since he served me papers last month). We agreed to meet in the Walmart parking lot. I wanted a neutral location.

So we met. I gave him a hug since I felt really bad for him. We talked about how his family was doing, etc. He fought back tears. He said I was welcomed to come to the funeral if I wanted.

Then we talked about us. I told him that this is still not what I want. He understood and said that this divorce is his idea. He also wanted me to know that this hasn't been easy for him and that he's still seeking counseling. To which I wanted to ask "if this is so difficult for you, why are you doing it!?!"

He seemed to actually care tonight. He was agreeable and willing to work on our financial stuff. I felt like I could at least talk to him. I gave him one more hug before we left and he held on to me and looked me in the eye before letting go. However, I'm wondering if there is something mental going on. I seriously left scratching my head.

I decided not to go to the funeral. I have my SIL's father's funeral on Tues. and Wednesday. Thursday I'm planning to go to meet with my lawyer (which happens to be the day of his grandma's funeral). I debated for a long time what I should do but came to the realization that I can't face his extended family. I'll send flowers instead.

What would you have done?? Insight please!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls - I don't knwo what I would have done - the important thing is that you have thought it through and decided what is best for you now - these are to my mind some of the most painful aspects of breaking with your life-long partner - these are the times that you just are there for eachother....you did good....
my H told me recently that his dad had cancer and all I wanted to do was hug him - but I couldn't -


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I think you did very well. There is no right or wrong. Just as long as you are doing it for you.

The thing about death....it softens your heart. You begin to think about your own mortality.

It sounds like he was "softened" when you spoke with him.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Seems like he is cracking a bit.. His hard drive to leave has slowed. These types of life altering changes seem to put things in perspective. Let him sit a bit after this. See what happens in the next week or so..


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I made it through the day. My SIL's father's funeral was very nice. There were several things said during the service that made me think "now that's what a marriage should be like" (they'd been married 40 years). 

Currently, I am at home, my home. My mom and I are packing up some stuff and then meeting my lawyer tomorrow to get the ball rolling on this divorce. 

It's clear my H wants a divorce. In his grandmother's obituary, all of the grandkids were listed with their spouses. I, of course, was excluded from the list. Makes me glad that I didn't go to the funeral. 

It's sad to be sleeping on the couch in the house that we purchased together (I can't fathom sleeping in our bed). The house has been neglected this past month. I will miss this place but this doesn't feel like home. I'm not sure where home is now but I am certain to find it. 

Life shouldn't be so difficult.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You are right MLS...some people make life too difficult. 

I was listening on the radio regarding a H and W (disc jockeys). They were saying how their listeners probably wouldn't believe the dark days that their marriage has seen. Times when they could have divorced. They stuck it out and have a better marriage now. They BOTH stuck together. That's the difference there...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls you strke me as someone who really will end up with an easier life once this crap is over because you see that it can be easier...they make it difficult and dark - we make it practical and light...I am so glad that you didn't attend funeral either -


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

CW the difference between a Marriage of 5 years or 15 years or 40 years is 2 people working through their problems and never giving up. It takes at least one but the other has to also have a drive.. No marriage is perfect. Every long marriage goes through a time where divorce is possible. I can see my marriage going 40 years.. Why?? I refuse to allow it to end. I hope that if I slow my wife will have learned to pick up and keep us from falling apart. I think eventually she will..


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Well, I signed my divorce papers today. The wheels are officially in motion. And guess what? I'm not sad... in fact I feel a little better. 

I met with my lawyer (who knows me from my previous job). He was very nice and provided a lot of info on things I hadn't thought of. I could stand to lose a substantial amount of money if my H is unable to refinance our house and we end up selling it for less than what we owe (thanks to the housing slump/crash). That worries me but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. 

My mom and I packed up quite a bit of stuff too. I will feel better once all of my stuff is packed and moved out. 

As I was in our bedroom packing, I looked at our bed and thought: "I bet it won't be long before he has someone else in this bed." Creepy and disturbing but I know it's true. My H can be quite the charmer. 

It was obvious the house has been neglected. Dirty floors, bathroom, kitchen, fridge, etc. However my H is living quite the bachelor lifestyle with his new dog, new laptop and new surround sound system for the tv!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls you are doing so great - step by step - so sensible


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mls: You are so strong...I can sense your detachment.

He'll miss you...I have this feeling.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Thank you guys for all your kind words. I look forward to each evening that I get to read and post here.

I've been emailing a mutual friend of my H and I. He was our best man in the wedding. I believe he is the only one who has an understanding of both sides of our situation. He really is a good guy. He said he was very torn and upset over our situation.

He told me that he plans to move in with my H (in our house) by the end of the month. My H told me this news earlier and I'm still upset over it. Due to the following:

1. My H did not ask if he could rent a room out. My name is still on the deed and the mortgage. In addition, I'm still paying for half of the mortgage. Of all people to rent to, I would have been okay with our friend moving in but I'm ticked he didn't ask first.
2. I haven't even moved out yet! I have this feeling that my H will pitch some of the things I said I wanted. This is motivation to get my stuff out of the house ASAP. 
3. There is a strong possibility that my H will be unable to refinance the house and keep it. This means will have to sell it. And I'm not sure how well it will sell with two "bachelors" living in it.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Well if his friend moves in I would ask to lower your payment. Why pay for not living their??


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I agree with LH - coudln't this mean that the rent offsets your repayment? He is renting from you as well as your H....actually doesn't your H have to pay some 'rent'? If you guys are keeping it and he is getting to stay there surely he doesn't have only all the benefits?


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Yes, I am going to quit paying for half of the mortgage if our friend moves in. However, my H has 2 choices concerning the house. 1. We sell it 2. He refinances the house and clears me from the mortgage (best option). 

Lately I've been feeling more upbeat. I'm tired of wasting my time, energy, tears, and thoughts on a person who has made it clear they don't anything to do with me. I don't know why H feels that way and I probably never will know why. But I do know that I gave it my all (although there are things I wish I could've changed). Overall, life is too short to deal with crappy people. 

There is another thing that has been driving me too. I love to prove people wrong regarding their expectations of me. During our one and only counseling session, my H said that no matter where I end up I will probably never be happy or have a lot of friends.

I am determined to prove him wrong. I am going to be a great boss, friend, sister, daughter, etc. Heck, I've already made several new friends and have reached out to several old friends. 

Yep, my H's going to eat his words!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls think was a massive projection on his part!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Mls: I feel the same way to prove myself. My H said he didn't have any fun with me. So freaking what? He wasn't fun either? It's his fault as well? He didn't have fun in Vegas? I did. What a azz.

Now I am "showing" him how fun I am.

You sound like you know what you want regarding the house. You are right the two bachelors and selling might be a bit difficult. Not sure what the real estate market is there?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Just remembering on of the many 'weirdo' things my H said to me 

it was the the night before he left the 1st time round -

he'd been having a long relaxing bath (as you do when you are separting from your wife!) and when he got out he said 

"you know I have just been thinking that _ironically_ it will probably be you who finds someone and who is happy and I'll end up alone"...

now what would be ironic about that??????


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

mls- Have a goal now with the extra money. Shoot for something big. It will really pick you up..


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

There is another thing that has been driving me too. I love to prove people wrong regarding their expectations of me. During our one and only counseling session, my H said that no matter where I end up I will probably never be happy or have a lot of friends.

I am determined to prove him wrong. I am going to be a great boss, friend, sister, daughter, etc. Heck, I've already made several new friends and have reached out to several old friends. 

Yep, my H's going to eat his words![/QUOTE]

I love what you wrote here! I think I'm going to write this down and post it to my mirror. It's strange that I have never really thought of it this way. It would feel so good to just move on and prove everything that my H thought of me wrong...and wouldn't he hate it if I did move on, meet someone new and lived the good life.

Good words!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Yes, this should be motivation for us all. Our spouses are going to regret everything they have said and done to us... at some point. 

Looking back on our relationship, I can remember when we first got married and were living in a small apartment. My H began working long hours and it was then that I noticed how much he took me for granted. I remember coming home from working 8 hours a day and cleaning up his messes and thinking "I don't deserve this." In fact, I'd even cuss him out in my head because I was so angry over the fact he did nothing to help me clean or cook. 

I sucked it up for 4 years. Every time I brought this subject up, we ended up in a huge fight. Maybe I should've done something earlier.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

He sounded like a selfish person through the marriage. 

It's amazing when you stop only recognizing the positives in your marriage and start realizing that there were negatives !! You know you are moving on...


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I sent my H an email a few days ago with a list of things we need to take care of. I've only received a few very brief emails from him concerning my email. 

I think he's pissed off. Did I mention that I packed up most all of the kitchen stuff when I was home? I even packed up the silverware and utensils (minus 3 spoons and a spatula, which I laid out nicely in the drawer). 

And the sick and twisted thing is that I feel bad that he may be pissed off at me. Why I am worried about it? This is not my problem. Yet, part of me still doesn't want to hurt him and have him angry with me. Totally screwy!!

When I was packing, I threw away all of the cards and letters he sent to me over our relationship. I was so angry. Maybe I should've kept them? Those memories are gone... in more ways than one. Should I have kept them?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I wouldn't have cause it's all broken promises.. Unless you really think he will work his way back... I hated to see cards from my wife. They just reminded me that her love comes and goes as she saw fit. Loved me hard here but wanted to leave me when times got tough.. Even to this day I wonder if my wife is in this for life. I hear her say it but I seriously don't feel it..


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

mls31 said:


> And the sick and twisted thing is that I feel bad that he may be pissed off at me. Why I am worried about it? This is not my problem. Yet, part of me still doesn't want to hurt him and have him angry with me. Totally screwy!!
> 
> When I was packing, I threw away all of the cards and letters he sent to me over our relationship. I was so angry. Maybe I should've kept them? Those memories are gone... in more ways than one. Should I have kept them?


Wow. That first paragraph describes me to the t also. When we started talking again right after my daughter was born I remember some stuff that he said didn't sit well with me. Like the rational part of me was saying he hasn't really changed listen to the way he is talking...We were texting all the time and whenever he texted me and I said I was out he texted back saying I better not be with any males, drinking, etc etc. And I would do my best, bend over backwards, just so I wouldn't piss him off, afraid that I would lose him again. Your right it is screwy.

As far as the cards. I wouldn't have kept them only because everything right now for me would be to bittersweet and then I would find myself stuck in memory lane...and then I would be tempting to call him.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Ash and MLS: you know what you are worried that your H's are pissed?

Because you are good and caring people and that's how they treat others! They think of others and aren't selfish. Even the ones that rip our hearts out deserve our care (we think).


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I am going to reply with a little story 

I have a very good friend whose husband slept with an ex a few years back and fathered a child with her (while he had two beautiful children at home). My friend and her h are no longer together - it has been around 3 years since the split. 

Something that I have noticed with my friend... only in the last couple of months has she been able to truly stand up for her self and not care what 'he' thinks - 

the more she does this - the better outcomes she has for her self and her kids - the stronger and happier she is 

but the more pissed off he is getting -

he sends her really angry texts about how she has 'changed' and how she is bitter and angry - nothing could be further from the truth - she is amazingly fair, sensible and honest - really I hold her in the highest regard - particularly considering how wronged she and her children are...she never acts in anger 

but why I am telling this story is that i have been intrigued by how she has had to develop the skills to stand up for herself - and how as she is emotionally detached she can do it - but also how un detached he is - he is stuck getting angry, reacting - wanting to fight - she is happy with herself and her life - and she is strong - he has nothing and wants to fight with her still - 

he has nothing she wants anymore - 

sure we care now - and we may always care - but one day we won't be hurt anymore - I know my friend cares about her x as the father of her kids - but she laughs when she gets an angry text from him - she laughs deeply and warmly...genuinely because it is funny... 

unless they deal honestly with whatever they are doing/going through they will be the ones who are stuck....they will be the ones still emotionally attached - through anger, bitterness (in my H's case guilt and regret) - if we are honest and face who we are we will be fine - maybe for those of us who share kids the connection will always be there - but it won't be an unhealthy one 

it is our job to develop the skills to deal with them (if we have to keep dealing with them) - I personally hate this work - I have to stand up for myself all the time - ignore when I know he will be annoyed - 

the detachment will happen for us - it isn't healthy for us to hold onto people who have contributed such hurt to our hearts - we will seek healthiness and happiness...if that means that we are alone for the rest of our lives this must be better than being with someone who has cared for us so little as to break our hearts - 
and our trust and to betray us - 

one day we will laugh when they are pissed...


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I liked that quite a bit K. I feel for your friend, can't even imagine how painful that would be...but it is definetly an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing that, and if you still talk to that friend, tell her I admire her very much.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Ash I see her nearly every day - she is the mother of my son's best friend - lucked out there ! 
I'll let her know - and she is a good role model for you - she hasn't had it easy - she is Japanese and so her family is not here and hasn't been for any of this - she's had to face this stuff herself - people real people are what is inspirational in life - I find when I am really cross she grounds me - and makes me laugh - she has a wicked sense of humour


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

knortoh said:


> ...if that means that we are alone for the rest of our lives this must be better than being with someone who has cared for us so little as to break our hearts -
> and our trust and to betray us -
> 
> one day we will laugh when they are pissed...


Very strong words, K! And so freaking true! 

I don't care how much my H told me he loves, cared for me now or then, he ultimately broke my heart. And that's something good people and H's don't do.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes...K. It's better to be alone then with someone who doesn't care for us.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

This week has been total chaos and it's only Wednesday! I found out today that all of my family member's schedules have worked out to help me move out of the house on Friday. 

So we're making the 4 hour trip to get all of my furniture and stuff out of the house. We figured the sooner I get stuff out, the less likely someone will take it or it will turn up missing. 

It fully hit me this evening that this will probably be my last trip to "our" house. This was my first house and my H and I purchased it together. I loved our little starter house. I poured a lot of heart and elbow grease into it. This will be very bittersweet. 

I hope and pray there will be another house (and maybe another person) that I can love just as much. However, I think your first house will always hold a special place in your heart.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mls: You BET there will be another house! 

It will feel good to have things DONE and out of the house. I know it will also be sad but you don't have to go back there again and see his life. Let him stew in it. 

You deserve a special place.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls - so proud of you - moving on - moving on - doing what needs to be done -


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I'll be thinking of you, mls. So proud of your hard work!


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## Cautious (Nov 17, 2009)

good for you mls!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Well the move is done! I am exhausted. 

I had several friends stop by and wish me well while I was moving. They all were totally confused by the drastic turn of events since August. However, they all said my H was missing out on a great person and a great opportunity.

I also had several family members help me pack and unpack (into a storage unit). It's nice to know I have people who love, support and are willing to help me out in such short notice. 

My H was not there when we moved out, which was probably for the best. He said he would be out of town until Monday; however, all of his things were at home. I have no idea where he was. I guess he could be out on a date for all I know. I really shouldn't care either but that's hard to do still.

I thought I would be sad moving out of our house but I really wasn't. I was angry and ready to move on. It's such a huge relief to have my belongings, which isn't much, in a safe place. 

My H sent me an email the day before the move asking for his GPS unit back. My parents got it for him for a Xmas present a few years ago. I refuse to give it back. He is getting all of the high dollar items (new appliances, flat panel tv, nearly paid for car). I think I can keep it.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Congrats M!!! I know it was probably bittersweet and the whole you shouldn't care what he is doing but you do still bit....I get that. Its hard and it still will be but this is a HUGE HUGE step forward for you. You should feel so proud of yourself (no matter how much it hurts you just have to find that little little bit inside you that you know you made a smart move) Let him do what he does, soon enough you will hear from him most likely and who knows what you will be doing by then but I bet it will be better than what you were doing!!! Proud of you and looking up to you!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You bet he was hiding out! He will learn that his bachelorhood isn't cracked up to what he'd thought.

That's ok. Let him figure it out while you are moving forward. 

It's good to get what is yours. Tell him you'll trade the GPS for the flat screen! I hope you are getting your share. Don't be too nice you deserve your share. 

It's wonderful that you have so many supportive friends and family. They are priceless.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls - you are always clear and very positive in your posts - ]you will need that gps - you'll be travelling a lot - mainly forward - let him saty at home with the flatscreen


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

mls- Start by doing tuf for you only. It wil feel better. make your new home yours.. It wil help you "move on". Congrats on this big step.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Yes, I believe this is a big positive step forward. 

However, I feel as though God has put me on an unfamiliar path without a map. It feels like I had a map but it lead to a dead end and now I'm going on my own with only a compass and directions that I think I should follow. I guess I feel this way because I have no idea where I will be this time next year once I complete my training program for work. 

I think I'm headed in the right direction and I'm excited to see where this leads me, but man is it lonely!

Anyone else feel the same?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> Yes, this should be motivation for us all. Our spouses are going to regret everything they have said and done to us... at some point.


I hope no one expects this to be true. Your ex may or may not have regrets, but that is irrelevant. Living well is FOR YOU and you alone. I cannot help but want my ex to be happy--just because we aren't meant to be together forever does not make him a bad person; he deserves more than WE had together-as do I. Good luck to all of you.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I agree, sister. And yes, I do want my H to eventually get his head screwed on right and be happy. He is a good person. However, I can't help but think that if he would've actually tried to improve our relationship, we could've been a great couple. I firmly believe he is missing out. Maybe I'm still too bitter or angry to see the big picture. 

But I do agree, that I'm tired of trying to figure out what he wants and how we got to this point. It's time to move on.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I'm so proud of you, mls. You are on your path! Have faith!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I think I mentioned that my H was nowhere around during my move last week. This has me puzzled. 

Let me back up and say that over the summer my H won 2 free nights at a pretty swank hotel near Madison, Wisconsin. He got them for us as a weekend get away. We of course never used them. 

So after the move I logged on to check out joint checking account to see if my H closed the account yet (I haven't been putting any money in for several months as I have my own accounts). I saw some rather mysterious charges. 

One charge was for fast food in a town that is 1.5 hours away and also happens to be the town where I went to college. There were 3 other charges on the following days from Madison, Wisconsin. He apparently used the free hotel gift certificates. 

What's puzzling is why he went to the town 1.5 hours away in the opposite direction of Madison? And who went with him to Wisconsin? Surely he didn't make the trip alone. His best friend was with me helping me move. 

I can't help but think that he picked up someone, possibly a girl, in the one town and then went on to Wisconsin. I've had this gut feeling for a long time he's been seeing someone else. And that someone could quite possibly be the college girl that worked with him this summer and became good friends with him (she goes to the same college that I went to). Am I crazy? Does this sound crazy? Why the hell do I care????

Sorry, I feel like I'm losing it tonight. I've worked so hard and yet I feel like I'm in the same heart wrenching spot.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

not crazy at all mls....
I so feel for you - dishonesty in these situations is just the pits - my H is exactly the same - wants to do a sh***y thing and still appear noble - it is so duplicitous and underhand -
it appears that maybe your H is the same 'type' - they get caught out eventually - 
he's an F wit at the very least - 


but you mls you are not crazy you are one of the least crazy people to post on this forum! 

let out your anger - we are waiting for it....


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I'm so sorry, mls. You are far from crazy and your instincts are probably right. What a coward!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yep! I am willing to be those instincts of yours are right on.

Hang in there...he's jumping in will both feet now. Let him sink himself.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Thanks guys. It's nice to know I'm not alone or crazy!

I don't know if I mentioned here earlier that before my H brought up his feelings and how we should divorce, I had this odd feeling that someone had been in our bedroom. There was nothing out of place but I had this feeling someone had been in there with my H. I have nothing to back this up other than a gut feeling. 

In fact, I even tried to check the text messages on his phone because I noticed he was texting quite a bit more. I assumed he was texting the college girl he worked with. I, of course, was too chicken to actually check his text history. 

This is all speculations but it sure would make a lot more sense to my situation. Not sure why my H would go after a 21 year old (he's 27). But age doesn't stop a lot of people. 

I've been feeling really down and lonely lately. Not sure if it's the holidays approaching or this feeling that my H cheated on me. I really hope I'm reading WAY too much into things.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I think its everything. It will be all magnified now.. Hang in there mls..


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Today was rather difficult. It's lonely celebrating the holidays as a soon to be divorced person. 

I was also angry with my H today. As we were celebrating Thanksgiving at my grandpa's, I noticed several reminders of my H. My grandpa had marked my H's birthday on his calendar in the kitchen, our engagement picture was on the end table next to his chair and our high school prom picture was on top of the piano. It just reminds me how open and welcoming my family has been to my H and he's just dropped me like a bad habit. 

I have a feeling Christmas will be even more difficult.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Mls31 - I may have read your posts early on but now with 11 pages of comments I didn't read all of it to find out all the details of your situation. 
But from what I can gather, you have recently moved out & are moving forward with your life. I know this is not where you planned to be with your life & can relate to the frustration you are feeling about your husband not trying to work on your marriage. 
But from what I read, your husband didn't give you much choice because if he didn't put in any effort to save your marriage it was not something you could do by yourself - even if you wanted. 
If you gave it your best effort ( which it appears that you did) - then no one can ask any more from you. You should feel OK to be able to walk away without any guilt as you did your best. 

It seems as recently that you had seen some unusual charges in your bank account. I can see where you may want some answers to have some better idea of what happened & give yourself a bit more closure. But on the other hand, what good will it do to find out about another woman ( if there is one?). It may be more hurtful to find out about an affair if one existed. 

Take the high road , don't look back & look forward & remain positive as to where you can go from here. 
Best wishes on your new life!!


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

The memories hurt now don't they? I know, it sucks. But I just hold on to the fact that one day, those memories won't hurt us anymore, in fact we will be so surrounded by our new, improved life that often times we won't even be thinking of those memories.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Memories of our past haunt us during these times. 

Keep yourself busy MLS. I'm trying as well.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Last night I had a long conversation with my parents. I told them how I had a gut feeling before all of this began, that my H was seeing or had feelings for someone else. My parents said that if I had gut feelings, they were probably right. 

Like I said earlier, I have no solid proof that there was/is an OW. But it sure would make this whole situation a lot clearer. I can see how my H would blame the marriage ending on us growing apart, my job, and my suicidal thought. Thus making him out to be the good guy to end the relationship peacefully. 

My parents told me they were shocked (still are) that my H didn't think twice about his decision to divorce. We're all scratching our heads on how abrupt his change of heart has been. 

My mom told me that my grandpa (who's 91) said that I should wait a year and then start dating again. I laughed at that and said how about 5 years? I told them that I think this marriage thing is a load of crap and that I may not be cut out for it. They, of course, do not want to see me become the old crazy cat lady!

I have my first individual counseling session this week. Obviously I have a lot of issues to go over. I hope it will give me clarity on how to move forward.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I think your grandpa is right on! It's a wonderful and sound philosophy to wait and heal before you dive right in....

It's not always fun to wait. It feels better to dive in first. However, sometimes we aren't ready.

I feel this way about myself. However, I know why people begin dating soon after. We want to feel wanted. We want to know that we are attractive. We want to fill the void. 

I have a can wait but casual dating would perhaps be ok? I'm asking myself....


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

This afternoon really upset me. I was messing around on Facebook and found out that I could view my H's page without being his friend. 

I saw all of his comments (none of which were directly related to me) and his new pictures. It angers me that he appears so happy and can easily move on without me. I realize this is all my perception and he may just be putting up a good front. However, I kept asking myself, "was I really that insignificant? How can he not miss me?"

There just been a lot of angry thoughts in my head lately. I can tell because I'm not eating right again. Stress! It's the new diet!!

I went out tonight with a girl from work. She introduced me to some of her single guy friends. They were nice and it was really nice to get attention again. I'm a little afraid that I will throw myself at the first guy who shows any interest in me. I miss having someone around who thought I was attractive and generally enjoyed my company. 

I've also been thinking seriously about pawning/trading in my wedding rings for a special "moving on" ring.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

mls, I'm in the anger stage right now too. And it's weird you mentioned a moving on ring. I had that same thought! I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. It will help. Just as mine said, even though you are in a devaluing situation, it does not mean you are any less valuable. Just because he looks happy doesn't mean you are insignificant!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes, wren you are right. We aren't insignificant at all. They look happy and take "pretend" pictures but inside they can't be all that happy. The only way that I would buy this, at this point, is if we were horrible people that have done horrible things.

No. They aren't happy.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I still feel so much better when I see my H sufferering - it is pathetic but it makes me feel better - an instant boost! How simple my feelings are ....I am somone who needs no analysing - 

but my H is a goooood actor very good - so I need to be vigilant! 
he was acting 'all sad' the other day when I was packing my car for my holiday - but he still had the presence of mind to ask if he could take the bbq while I was away - I answered that I couldn't care less and then said 
"you may as well mow the lawn if you are coming over to get the bbq" It felt good to say that - as though he was nothing to me but someone who could mow the lawn....


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Hey Mls, I used to do that go on my H's myspace and let me tell you it made me feel like ****. So I stopped going on as of Nov 1 and it has helped sooo much. I'm not saying you are/were addicted like me. I mean I was going on everyday and everytime I saw a new picture of comment from a woman it would make my heart drop. i just don't want to know anymore. as far as you going out? Do it girl go meet some men, just don't throw yourself at the first guy and get serious, have some fun first, and take your time. Enjoy being single for awhile and then have in your head exactly what you want.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Thank you for all the comments.

Ash: Yes, I'm going to stop looking at my H's Facebook page. I "de-friended" him a month or so ago but found out that I can still see his wall and comments without being his friend. But you are right, there is no need to check out that kind of stuff anymore. Why continue to do something that will always upset me?

I had my first individual counseling session today. My counselor is very nice. A bit different but nice. She agreed that my situation is very upsetting and confusing. 

She wants me to write a "piss off" letter to my H. She believes that I haven't properly expressed my anger and hurt. This is true and I hope this letter is therapeutic.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes the "pissed" off letter is a good idea. Never hurts.

I was diligent about look at my H's cell records...multiple times daily. I guess, for you, it's like the facebook thing. I am gradually stopping that behavior. Now I look at it weekly.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I have always felt sending a letter about how upset you are is a good thing. It's allowing the other person to understand the damage they are causing. Everybody has a right to that..


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Okay, I need to vent. Hold on.

Yesterday my parents told me that my H's paternal grandpa passed away. You might remember that 3 weeks ago his maternal grandma passed away. I, of course, was devastated to hear this news. I can't imagine what my H and his family are going through. I don't know if life can get much more difficult for them. 

So today at work I got a call from our bank where we have our joint checking account. Last week I sent in a letter to have our account closed. My H said he was in the process of closing it, but that's been several weeks ago and nothing has happened. The lady at the bank said she's been unable to close the account because their has been constant transactions and deposits, all from my H. She was going to have our local branch call my H and tell him he needs to go in to close it. 

After the phone call, I logged into our account to see what was going on. I found another suspicious charge posted today to a Mexican restaurant in the college town where I went to school. This also happens to be the same town he went to earlier where the possible (very likely) OW is also a student. 

Why would he drive to the college town a day before his grandpa's funeral (its 2 hours in the wrong direction)? Possibly to pick up or visit the OW during his time of need??? I think so!

I am ANGRY! I am tired of being played as a fool. I knew there was something fishy going on earlier this summer and this final transaction just confirms my beliefs. Monday morning I am calling my lawyer to start putting the screws to my H. There will be a deadline to refinance the house, have the car titled in his name and tie up all other lose ends. If he has time to see his girlfriend or whatever, he has time to get this stuff done!

He has a lot on his plate and I would not be surprised if he goes further off the deep end. And guess what? I'm taking the same response he normally takes about me: I DON'T CARE!

I am done.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I think you are right to be suspicious. These things are common with someone who has OW...suspicous activity (money/bills), and then the abrupt ending. Always go with your gut.

Get it taken care of quickly. You may be dealing with the "crazies!"


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Yesterday was a good day. I went with my mom to trade in my wedding rings and some other gold jewelry for my "moving on" ring. It was fun and I got a pretty good deal with gold prices being so high. Looking at jewelry is always a good time! And I don't miss my wedding rings one bit.

In the afternoon, I got a call from a friend of mine from high school who still lives in my hometown. Her H is good friends with my brother. I haven't been out with them in a few years. She invited me over to their house for drinks and games. There were a few other friends of my brother's who came too. 

It seemed odd to hang out with the same group of people that I used to hang out with in high school but they are very good people. Everyone seemed happy to see me and asked me about my new job. However, no one asked me about my divorce and I didn't offer any info. I have a feeling they felt bad for me and didn't really know what to say. 

Have any of you noticed friends or family being awkward or not knowing what to say to you? How do you handle it?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes some do feel awkward. If I feel "open" or I consider them a friend I will tell them myself. Other times, if I don't consider them a friend then I just ignore it. 

Many people really want to know "what happened." Sometimes I give the short version of the story.

Did you get your moving on ring? Or still looking?


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Yes, I did get my moving on ring. It's white gold with an emerald cut aquamarine (my birthstone) center and two white sapphires on either side. Hopefully I'll get it by Christmas. 

There really wasn't a good opportunity to bring up my "situation" last night. We were busy playing a new board game. I didn't feel comfortable spilling my guts during a friendly game. But you definitely got the impression there was an elephant in the room.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

And there probably was...but Corpus is right, I only have a few friends that know the majority of what has happened, other people who may ask or seem genuinely concerned...I give them the short version.

And a lot of times you will want to talk about what happened, it does help, I have learned that. I used to be a very closed off person but I noticed the more that I talked about it the easier it became or clearer. But sometimes, when you are out and about and having fun with people, ignore the elephant and just tune into the fun atmostsphere going on around you, that can help too.

Congrats on the ring you picked out! It sounds beautiful and you def deserve it!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Sounds beautiful! I'm with Ash in that the more I talk about it the easier it is...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

The ring that I want in the future is not a wedding ring - I am hoping that someday I will have a regard ring - 
they are Ruby, Emerald, Garnett, Amythest, Ruby, Diamond in that order....


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

knortoh said:


> The ring that I want in the future is not a wedding ring - I am hoping that someday I will have a regard ring -
> they are Ruby, Emerald, Garnett, Amythest, Ruby, Diamond in that order....



Wow, what an awesome concept K!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

There was another mysterious charge to our account today. I'm almost wondering if this is his way of breaking the news that yes, there is someone else. This way he's not actually telling me face to face. Still trying to be the NG. 

I found out that my ex H (that's his new term now) has not followed through with any of the divorce related items. Here's a list of lies he has told me:

1. He was in the process of closing our joint account. Not true. It took me calling numerous times to the bank to get that accomplished. 
2. He will have the house refinanced by the end of Nov. Still waiting for that to happen. 
3. He talked to our car insurance agent about splitting the policy. I talk today to our agent who informed me that he had not talked to my ex H. I was the one to get that done. 

I'm tired of being played as a fool. And I'm tired of taking time out of my day to get this stuff done when this wasn't my idea. I'm still ANGRY!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Better to get this done MLS and over with. He's busy playing and the evidence is beginning to show itself. 

What a jerk.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Just call him your x - sounds good and make him your x ASAP -


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I seriously think he went off the deep end. 

I talked to him briefly today and he sounded so distant and distraught. But I didn't care. I wanted to yell at him and say, "if you have time to drive 2 hours to see your woman, you have time to get this crap done!"


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

That's the truth. But I guess its not so obvious to everyone (ie:him) One day his "luck" or "fun" will run out...and what will he be left with?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

If you want to heal then you are probably going to have to do the work. Sounds like he isn't interested in anything.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

why aren't we allowed to yell at them? we should be ....they so deserve a good yelling at


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

mls31 said:


> I seriously think he went off the deep end.
> 
> I talked to him briefly today and he sounded so distant and distraught. But I didn't care. I wanted to yell at him and say, "if you have time to drive 2 hours to see your woman, you have time to get this crap done!"


Do what YOU need to do and protect yourself, mls!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

The last few days have been interesting. I've been hanging out with a coworker and some of her single guy friends. 

I've come to the conclusion that trying to find my new someone is not going to be a walk in the park. And that I may never marry again. I could be happy and single, right?

I'm off tomorrow to drive cross state for a much needed girls weekend.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Or settle like a lot of women do.. Something tells me you want more so being single is ok as long as you are not looking for mister right only..


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls you will be happy and single


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Hey I was going to post something for you but then I found this video and it says some of the stuff that I wanted to say to you. I posted it under a new thread. Advice Video.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

This weekend was fun. It was great to catch up with some of my college friends whom I haven't seen in a year or so. 

However, it was a bit sad too. My one friend recently had a baby. I look at her life and secretly wish it was mine. She has a great husband, nice house, and a sweet little baby boy. In my eyes I should have a life similar to hers. 

The last few days I've been feeling very lonely even though I've been surrounded by close friends. I don't necessarily miss my ex, I just really really miss companionship. 

I enjoyed being married and I'm dead scared that I'll never get to enjoy that again. Or that it will take another crazy/emotional ride to get there again.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I know mls...the lonely part. The not knowing if and or when you will have another chance at a healthy marriage. 

I believe that you will...your age is in your favor. Continue working on yourself and having fun. Seize those opportunities.

We are all recovering from a heck of a year.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Oh boy. I just had a very interesting evening. 

I think I mentioned on here that I've been hanging out with a coworker who has several single guy friends. Tonight, one of them asked me out on a date. 

This caught me as a complete surprise. I even started to blush. I could tell when he approached me that he was nervous. I think we both handled the situation a bit awkwardly. We haven't set a date since our schedules are so busy but he has my number. 

This guy seems very nice. But he's not really my type. 

So now I'm freaking out a little. I'm still technically married and I'm not sure I'm ready to start dating. I still feel emotionally unstable at times. I haven't fully moved on from my ex. 

Am I over analyzing? Should I go with it and have fun? Like my mom said, "you don't have to marry them." 

I just don't feel ready. Advice??


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls I am impressed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I agree with your mum


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Mom is right! Have fun...make a friend...You don't have to have sex and marry them!!!

I am exactly like you MLS. A guy asked my phone number, a few weeks ago, I said "no." It just came out of my mouth. I was having a fun time and bam....he asked my number and I was shocked. He was about a decade younger than me and HOT! Ok. So, I regress. Date when you are ready.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I think you should go. When I went out on my date I was very nervous and no I'm still not over my H but it was good in a sense bc it let me see how other men act and for one night I actually had a man pay attention to me.

However, if you feel that you aren't ready, don't go.

But I think your mom is right. Just explain to the guy before you go that this is simply going out as friends.

Worst comes to worst, you gain a friend!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

CW you have been keeping that one quiet! and HOT????? 
can you send him over here?


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

No kidding, CW! Look at you attracting the young hot ones!! Way to go. 

I did some more thinking about my possible date today. I've decided that I'm not ready yet. I think I'll tell him that I need a little time but I will go on a date. I feel like I need to get my life in order first. I don't think it would be fair to him if we were to go out now. 

I'm not looking for anything serious. If anything, I'm in need of more friends. I hope he'll get that. 

How did we get in this mess where we're back to going on dates!?!


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I think that sounds like a good plan for you, mls. It must feel nice to be asked out though. I hope you are letting yourself enjoy the attention.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Why not let him know it's a meeting of friends?? Go out any way and talk with no expectations of anything romantic. It's kind of like interviewing for a job. You need practice.. You need to get your mind thinking about it again and the only way is to put yourself in that setting..  Have fun..


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

OK guys! You clearly missed that one on my thread!!

Yes...he was hot! 

I respect you MLS for recognizing that you aren't ready. I'm not either but working on it...


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Another interesting day. 

This evening I went out to dinner and drinks with my coworker and a guy who worked in one of the offices we were training in back in July. We all hit it off this summer and became friends. This guy has been going through a divorce for the past year and a half (major custody battles over his 2 young sons). 

Anyway, back in July while we were all working together, I thought he was good looking and a very nice guy. I ran into him again outside of work in late August and again thought about how great of a guy he is. I guess you could say I've had an innocent little crush on him. 

Tonight it was actually kind of nice to talk to someone in person who is going through the same situation. He has been going through the same emotions and difficulties that I have. We discussed how we handled things and mainly joked around a lot. 

I don't really know where this post is going other than to say it's good to know I'm not alone and the emotions I've been having are normal. And that if I were actually in the market for a man, I would want one like him.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I have a male friend going through a similiar situation to mine. 

It's good to have someone, in person, that knows the pain involved.

I can't tell you how many times that I have cried and said "H...I know you understand. " He's been a great friend.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Just be careful. It can be a trap emotionally.. It might start out innocent but these types of situations can turn romantic just because of going through the same issues. Kind of like having something in common. Yet you could be the worst for each other. It is good to get out though. I am sure it helped you.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls - I know you are saying that you aren't interested in this guy and it is none of business but 
try and find someone without kids -
just some advice - ignore it if you want.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I agree with LH and K, mls. Be careful.
It is nice to have someone that understands, as CW said, but sometimes that connection can turn into codependency. And you don't need that.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

A note on what K said about trying to find someone without kids, right now while its innocent and you are just friends it really makes no difference. And I know you aren't looking for anything.

But eventually if you do decided to pursue a relationship I do tend to agree with K and only bc of my personal experience, which was so bad it might have flawed my perspective.

Depending on the maturity level of the man and his ex-wife and than the other person "you" it comes with its share of drama. And drama I think is the last thing that you or any of us really want!!

On that note I know your not even thinking of anything serious but if you want just to keep that in the back of you brain...and again I had a bad experience I am sure that their our people out there that make situations like this work out well.

But to end this, it is great that you got out! Thats wonderful, make more time and keep taking care of yourself.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I totally agree with what everyone is saying. 

While I think this guy is nice and we have a lot in common (besides divorce), I do NOT want to get involved in custody drama. Children were a sore subject in my marriage so there is no way I would be prepared to deal with someone else's children. In addition, there is a significant age difference between us. 

For the the last week I've felt my life is spiraling out of control and there is nothing I can do to stop it. 

My job has me stressed out over the fact that I don't know where I'll be next year at this time. My divorce is causing me stress. I miss my ex husband but yet hate him at the same time. And now there's this guy that wants to go on a date with me and I'm not prepared to go down that road, even though I told him I would. 

My hairdresser relayed some interesting news to me today. She cuts my mother-in-law's hair and she told my hairdresser that she thinks my ex will never date or get married again. 

This confuses the heck out of me for the following reasons:

A. For me, all signs seem to indicate he has someone else in his life. I can't imagine that his parents wouldn't know about it. 
B. This would indicate that he still misses me and that he's actually having a hard time letting me go. 
C. He's still blaming himself over the fact that I was unhappy and that I had a suicidal thought. Maybe he feels incapable of making someone happy?

In other news, I've now lost 10 pounds and I'm still having trouble sleeping.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

MLS: You are still trying to figure out your husband. It difficult to quit but eventually he won't be worth the energy as you are "spinning your wheels." 

You are worth more than your husband thought.....he walked away without a glance. Find your peace. Find yourself.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls although you feel that your life is sprialling out of control you know it's just a perception. You are as together as ever. You always are - I say this because you always reason well, you are smart, perceptive and realistic - 

On another note I am sorry you are still losing weight and not sleeping - that is a horrible spiral and can be very punishing..exercise exercise exercise - wear yourself out eventually you will learn to sleep again...and start eating - I ate for months without any desire - but now it's back! 
The thing I have worked out about in-laws ideas of your sposuse is that they will want to find reasons etc - they won't be capabale of thinking - hey my son did a shi**y thing....

what are you doing XMAS ?


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Christmas is going to be low key for me. Just celebrating with my family. It will definitely be different. My parents usually go to our church's Christmas Eve service. That's the one thing I don't think I can do this year. I'm afraid I'll be an emotional wreck by the end. 

My ex H sent me a text today regarding our car that he'll be assuming responsibility for. I called him back instead of texting him. Of course, I got his voicemail. Is the sound of my voice so bad you can only communicate by email and texts??


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's not you MLS. It's him. He feels uncomfortable and guilty. He hides.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

This is another example of him trying to "run" from the situation instead of dealing it head on. Texting is much easier than talking on the phone. One reason is he may think that is will turn into a fight, another reason could be that he only communicates via text b/c as CW said, he doesn't want to feel guilty, and hearing your voice may trigger that.

My H will not call for his kids, he will only text every few weeks. Can you imagine not even calling for your children? I boiled it down to two reasons. One, he's an ass and just doesn't care or two he doesn't want to be reminded of everything he is missing. I think you may be able to boil your ex H down to two reasons as well.

As far as the date goes, if you really don't want to go, don't go. You are now in the drivers seat of your life so you make the decisions. However if you state to the guy clearly that it is just going out as friends, you may have a wonderful evening. Again, it is your call.

BTW...I think you are doing good. Your moving forward and thats great, b/c somedays (as I'm sure your aware) you will feel like your going nowhere. Keep it up!!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I talked to the guy who asked me out tonight. I was up front with him and told him that I am currently going through a divorce (he thought I was divorced) and that I'm not ready to date yet. He was very understanding. I left it that I'd get in touch with him when I felt ready. I still feel like I need learn how to be happy and single before I jump into dating. I haven't dated in 7 years!

I had a thought tonight. I am wondering if our spouses are the type that don't like to fix things. I know whatever is going wrong in my life, I like to figure out and attempt to fix. I am not a quiter. Everyone else on this board seems to have the same "fix-it and don't give up" approach. Maybe our spouses lacked this. 

Anyone else notice this too?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

mls- Good job being upfront. He will respect you more and give you the space you need to adjust. Since it didn't hurt his ego cause it's a facto that isn't about him. As far as dating goes come on 7 years is nothing. I have almost triple that and I would be scared as hell to ever date again. Thank god I won't have to.. 

I most relationships there is always a leader and a follower. If you get of the same it's usally very hard to keep it together. Either your fighting a lot or getting nothing done.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls I don't know about the fixing things - all I know is my H didn't want to fix this - I think some things he was fine with fixing....


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I finally heard from my H. Of course it was by text. He wanted to call me during work to talk about something. I told him I was busy and that he can call me after I get off. He responded, "We shall see." 

Whatever. If you want to talk to me, call me. I'm tired of holding your hand to get everything done. It's time for him to start acting like a man.

In other news, I found out that another guy is interested in me. One that I barely know and have talked to only a few times. 

In addition, a very good male friend of mine keeps sending me emails and texts saying that I am an excellent catch and that he always wanted to date me. Don't know if he's serious or just trying to boost my spirits. I'm hoping the later.

Seriously, what is going on!?!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

yipeee for you mls ....so exciting to hear that the men in your part of the world are responding to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! enjoy the attention wonderful -


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You are becoming available! Why wouldn't someone want to get to know you. Just as a poster, I can tell that you are a pretty incredible human being!

When someone leaves us, it plays a role in how we feel about ourselves-if we aren't careful. Don't let his shortcomings be a reflection on the person that you really are...


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Well thank you! I hope someone thinks I'm a great catch... eventually. And it is nice to get attention again but I don't think I'm ready to date. I need to learn how to be single and happy first. 

I don't know if any of you followed the marital issues, and now divorce, of the Governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford (the one who claimed he was hiking the appalachian trail when he was seeing his mistress in S. America). I recently read an article where they interviewed his wife. She had this to say:

"Certainly his actions hurt me, and they caused consequences for me, but they don’t in any way take away my own self-esteem. They reflect poorly on him.”

I think this is an awesome statement. One that proves true to all of us.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Thanks mls for sharing that it is awesome and well put.
How are you planning on keeping these guys at bay?


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I'm not sure how I'll keep these guys at bay. 

I guess I'll cross that bridge when they are actually serious about going on a date.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Merry Christmas!! Hang in there! The holiday is almost done...and you got through it. Hope you are having a good time due to your circumstances...know you deserve so much more...


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Christmas went okay. I spent it with my parents. Tomorrow is when we'll open gifts with my brother and sister-in-law. 

Tonight we cooked lobster, which was fun since we've never attempted it before. It turned out really well. I probably gained 5 pounds just from dinner. 

All day I kept checking my phone thinking that my ex H would send me a text or something. I even thought about sending a text to him saying Merry Christmas. It's Christmas after all. However, I didn't. I told him a while ago that I would no longer be his friend, why should I wish him Merry Christmas? Besides, what has he done that has made him friend worthy in the past 4 months??

I don't know. I thought a lot about him today and what he is doing. No doubt he's not thinking about me.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I know it takes some getting used to MLS...their absence.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls - you are such a clear thinker you really are - doesn't make the paibn any better but I admire your take on reality and the logical way you can consider your emotions....

hope present opening went well


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

mls- you never know what he is thinking. He could be taking it just as hard as you. Hang in there.. It will get better.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

We had kind of a Christmas miracle here yesterday. 

My brother and sister-in-law came in for the weekend. We exchanged gifts and my parents and I got the same gift from them. We got a framed picture of their first ultrasound!!

My SIL has been trying and dealing with fertility issues for the past 2 years. This is also the SIL who's father recently passed away from cancer. And here's the real kicker, her sister is also pregnant. They're only 3 weeks apart. 

Talk about getting help from heaven! Hopefully this is a sign of better things to come from 2010. 

I am beyond thrilled for them. However, it is a bit sad to know that children and pregnancy is not a possibility for me (not that I would want any right now).


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

that's lovely news mls - and don't worry you have many child bearing years ahead of you


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Auntie MLS! Yea...that's terrific new!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Yes, I am going to be an aunt!!

What is everyone's plans for New Year's?

A friend from high school invited me over to her house for a party. I plan to get a bit "cheery" to ring in the new year. I want to feel good enough that I won't miss not having someone to kiss at the stroke of midnight. 

Or maybe I will have someone to kiss...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

highly likely, (the kiss that is) 
yeeks I have no plans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I actually spoke to my ex today on the phone. It's the first time I've talked to him since early November. 

He claimed he hasn't received any of the e-mails I have sent to him in the past 2 weeks. Something about his work email not operating properly. Whatever. 

However, this was the first time that he didn't sound as if I had just ran over his dog. He was easy to talk to, agreeable, and willing to do some of the things I asked. This was quite the change. 

I told him how I felt as though he has totally left me on the details regarding our house and the car we both own. He apologized and was willing to keep me updated. He was also going to talk to his lawyer to find out how we finish out our divorce since our 60 day period is coming to an end. 

I did tell him again that I no longer know the person he has become and therefore I don't trust him. I also said to that I want my maiden name back and to make sure that was listed in the divorce decree. I am sure those items had to make an impact. 

After our conversation I didn't feel sad or upset. It was confirming to me that I am traveling down the right path. It's a scary and lonely path but it's the right one. This is another first for me.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Go mls well done - talking is tricky - and you are handling it great


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

MLS: I am proud of how you handled that conversation. You said your "peace" but allowed yourself to stick to business. 

Good job!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I was happy with how I handled it too.

New Years was fun. I went to a party with some friends I haven't seen in a while. We all shared a lot of laughs and drinks. 

The only sad part was midnight when everyone else had someone to kiss but me. I vowed next year will be different. Here's to better 2010!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Hey mls - don't worry I am guessing lost of people didn't have anyone to kiss at midnight - 
but only one sad part of the evening - YOU ARE DOING GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I am really hurting tonight. It's the first time in several weeks that I've actually felt this bad. 

I'm just feeling really lonely and as if someone has pulled the rug out from all my hopes and dreams. I miss my house and having someone to come home to. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and the fact that I have a place to stay but it's not the same. And I know as soon as I finish my training program and find a place of my own, these feelings will only intensify. 

I just want to tell my ex thank you for giving me 4 months of not being able to sleep, introducing me to panic attacks, endless nights of crying myself to sleep and losing 10 pounds!

I keep telling myself that I shouldn't care. I shouldn't let his actions and behaviors get me down. Yet, I still do care. I guess that's the difference between me and him.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls - sorry you are having a bad night 
I have had those thoughts - a whole range of life experiences that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy -
and of course you care -
you are human


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

mls- I know where you are now.. 5 years ago I moved into my parents home and I spent many nights upset.. Hang in there.. Going as much No Contact as possible will help your sanity and your relationship.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I know MLS...just when you think you are doing pretty good this sadness rears it's head. 

You are doing well-still. It's just that you sadness is a part of this loss. I expect to be sad now....every now and then. It may take a few years to really have a day without thinking of him.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I just read something my counsellor told me - she said that the wounds heal over and you become new - different -
but every now and then something will tear the scab off and the wound will hurt again...this made sense to me


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I almost lost it today in Ikea. My parents and I went today for something fun to do. I got really angry while we were shopping. It felt like the whole store was a constant reminder of the fact that I have no home to decorate. I might not even have a place by next year at this time depending on how things go with my job. I almost wanted to yell at my parents and say, "must be nice to have a home!" I know that is totally uncalled for. 

I think my feelings are due to my divorce and the constant travel status with my job. For the past 6 months I've been living out of my car and suitcase. I've probably traveled close to 20,000 miles. I think I'm reaching a breaking point. 

This whole situation is totally unfair. I should be the one sitting in my old house. The house I poured a lot of blood, sweat and tears into renovating. Instead my ex, the one who decided to divorce, is living in the house with all of our new appliances, tv and a freaking swimming pool! And where am I? In my childhood bedroom at 9:30 on a Saturday night!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I loved your post MLS. It's a true statement of your feelings. I appreciate your honesty.

You are right, it is unfair. Do you think you ex will struggle with the house payments and keeping it up?


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Allow yourself these days of feeling, mls. It's part of the healing, I promise. 

I understand about the house, too. That's where your roots are and you need roots right now!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

If my H can get the house refinanced (and that's a big if), he'll make sure he pays the mortgage. I know he wants the house. 

However, the house will become a dirty bachelor pad. He did nothing to help clean and upkeep the house when we were together. The last time I was there, the place was pretty filthy. I can only imagine that it has only gotten worse. It's just another thing that is "not high on his priority list" (his exact words). 

One thing I forgot to mention. My ex wants me to sign the divorce decree before anything has been done in terms of refinancing the house and car. Does this seem right? Why would I sign off on something and agree to the terms if the terms have not been reached?


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

mis31 you probably need to talk to a lawyer, but it does sound fishy to me also. The terms should be in writing and agreed to by all parties.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> mis31 you probably need to talk to a lawyer, but it does sound fishy to me also. The terms should be in writing and agreed to by all parties.


I agree with what Notaclue is saying. If you don't get it all in writing, then it can come back and bite in the rear later on. Marriage, separation, and divorce are all very emotional. It's best to protect yourself for the future.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

He already has a touch of the "crazies." Don't trust him when it comes to the financials. Get it in writing.


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## EnlightenMe (Dec 15, 2009)

I just went thru all 20 pages and want to say thank you. I've been apart from my H for over 3 yrs and yet have only just recently found a way to emotionally let go. Reading these posts have really helped me feel like I'm moving in the right direction, for myself. It's also comforting to know that I'm not the only one thats had to deal with an x that refuses to take the time to finish things, but can take his girlfriend to Vegas! Lol. Anyways I've enjoyed the insight and much respect to all you for making a better life for yourselves because thats what we deserve.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I had another appointment with my counselor today. We touched on several topics. She told me that from what she has heard, my ex was looking for a mother not a wife. And somehow I agreed to being this. However, I knew that if I didn't take care of everything, nothing would get done. 

I realized I was married to a manipulator and a total "man-child." I deserve more and I'm upset he treated me so poorly.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

me too mls me too 

I was married to one of them
that's why we have the same problems now
they weren't fully grown up when we got them and we covered for them in all sorts of ways - 
sure they had great qualities as well and we didn't notice the other stuff so much because you and I we are doers - 
I can just tell from your posts - your remind me of me when my H left the first time - I was much stronger and clearer back then - ran on adrenelin (that is why you have lost so much weight I'll bet) - same with me I lost loads and loads of weight...but I got through things one by one - each bit was like pulling teeth but I forced myself to do stuff. 


I don't know about your ex mls but mine has only two modes with me now 

super guilty - crying and telling me he has no anger toward me - 
and then the completley contradictory petulant and unreasonable one -

that's correct they don't do anything they don't want to now - any of the hard stuff because they didn't do it in the relationship - same same 

my h actually said to me that he hated the fact that I had to be the adult all the time...and yet ...there has been no growing up since leaving the nest as far as I can see.... 

also if your h was like mine they get things doen through passive agressive behaviour - 
being ambiguous
just not doing stuff
not answering questions 
avoiding until the other person does it...

all the while he is mr wonderful at work .....
work got the grown up version of my H 
I got the child 
seems pretty unfair....
sorry have vented a bit on your thread _ I can just so relate -

so pleased you got out now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

K, I can't believe what I just read in your post. I swear we must be married to the same man!!

My ex has the same two modes: 1. acts like I just ran over his dog and is all weepy 2. in total agreement with everything I say and swears he'll follow up on things (which he doesn't). 

And yes, everyone at work thought my ex was a superstar. Every time I visited him at work, his coworkers would always tell me how awesome and hard working he was. Yet, I was left with a child whom I had to take care of at home. Total crap!!

I am happy for both of us K. We deserve better. Although we are both going through a crappy spot, I see brighter days ahead.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Just wanted to follow up with a text message sent by my ex today. He is apparently ticked at me for not removing his name from the lease on my car. 

In November I told him that in order to get his name off as co-lessee on my car, we'd have to shell out $595 (which is insane in my book). I asked him if he would pay half since we got the car together. He agreed. I never saw any money though. Never thought I would.

After talking with my lawyer he said I shouldn't sweat it. He said it wasn't my responsibility and to not do anything with the car lease unless my ex brings it up again. Today he was at the bank trying to get his car and house refinanced and my car shows up on his credit report. He assumed I had taken care of it. So I told him if he paid me half of the $595, I'd take his name off. 

Now he's saying I should pay for half of our new mattress since we bought it together and still owe money on it. I'm sure he'll also suggest I pay to get the house appraised since I'm the one who wants my name off the mortgage. 

Does this sound right??


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I would think about paying the $595. That way, he can refinance and get your name off of the mortgage.

That is really important if you want to own a house again in the near future. He could default on the loan or have late payments and affect your credit.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

the mattress???? you have got to be kidding 
surely you can see the funny retort to this one mls!
you made your bed you lie in it!!!!!!!!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

My suspicions have been confirmed this evening. I was messing around on Facebook and came across the potential OW's page. 

Guess what I found? New Years Eve pictures of her and my ex. All dressed up, appearing to be on a date. His arm is around her waist. 

Words cannot describe my anger and hurt right now. 

Just totally crushed and pissed. Yet I am so GLAD we are divorcing. I deserve so much better.

God had better be hearing my prayers tonight.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I'm sorry your husband would allow this to happen and the OW obviously did it on purpose to irritate you. He does not deserve your love mls31 and will soon find out his mistake being with the OW that pulls these types of petty stunts. Prayers to you !


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I guess that is confirming to your gut! Seeing the pictures is an eye opener...maybe it's a way to close this relationship. 

What a jerk!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I just sent all of my friends the link to the pictures on Facebook. It's probably childish, but it's times like these when I need friends to reaffirm that I am doing the right thing. 

Two things run through my mind: 
1. Was I not good enough?
2. Why can't I move on and be happy?

My friend told me to keep my chin up. I am trying but God sure loves to test me.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

oh mls 
why do these threads so often go the same way?????
these guys are the worst kind of cowards....
you are so so so doing the right thing -
although you had your suspicions for a while to see the evidence just hurts like hell doesn't it?
the betrayal 
and not even telling you and putting this up on facebook - 
keep on venting
you will move on be happy
just don't push yourself to feel like that right now 
it's anger time for you mls 
so sorry for your hurt


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

It does hurt like hell. I knew something was going on well before any divorce discussions began. Seeing it on display in pictures is downright horrible. 

To some degree it gives me closure and understanding. But on the other hand it angers me that my ex thinks I am stupid enough to not figure it out. 

I haven't recently confronted my ex about his affair (can we call it that now?). My first thought tonight when I saw the pictures were to call him and yell. However, I think it's best that I keep this info to myself and use it if things turn nasty regarding our divorce. Besides, what good would it do? He'd still either deny it or spin it around so that it's somehow my fault.

What I honestly think happened is that my ex and this girl started to have feelings for one another. My ex probably didn't do anything physical with her until I signed the divorce papers. This way he still appears to be a good guy. Their potential relationship was the main reason for our divorce. My job and wanting to move was a minor detail. It all makes perfect sense now. 

I don't understand how people can justify those types of actions. 

I just hope karma bites him in the freakin @ss!!!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls 
I know this probably doesn't help but i "know" (gut feeling) my H is doing the same thing 
he will wait a 'reasonable' time before he acts 
all so he can appear a nice guy
they are predictable at least
it is good to have evidence for your sanity.
just be glad (if you can) that you don't have kids
K


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Received another text from my ex. He mailed the final divorce papers today. Not sure what he wants me to sign off on as the house and car have not been refinanced. My thinking is that he wants to assume financial responsibility for both but doesn't see the need for refinancing. This is my sticking point. It could get ugly. I may end up counter sueing for divorce on grounds of adultry if he is unwilling to agree on the dissolution. 

I just want this to be over so I can move on with my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mls: It's hard to make them understand what you want. They are so self-focused. I had to go over and over my conditions of the divorce. He FINALLY agree and had the divorce paperwork drawn up.

Guess what? It had what HE wanted written in it and not my conditions. It took 3 copies of different paperwork to get it right. The DAY of my divorce.

Get your names off of the divorce decree. Or have it in writing in the decree that he must have the house refinanced within so many days/months. Ask your attorney about this one....


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I received the settlement papers in the mail today. Things don't appear to be as bad as I had anticipated. However, I will have my lawyer review the settlement to make sure things are spelled out clearly before I sign my name to the dotted line. There are a few issues with the house and his car that still make me nervous. 

Included in the papers was a note from my ex. It said (and I'm paraphrasing here): 

M,
I am so sorry for all the hurt I have put you through. I hope this new path in life finds you much happiness. At some point, I want things to be better between us but I know that is a long ways away. Hopefully you are enjoying your job and you will find it rewarding for however long you stick with it. I hope your family is well. 

What a load of crap! I know he doesn't feel bad for me. And the whole "however long you stick with it" line really pisses me off! I am not a quiter. He was always unhappy with me over the fact that I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my career. But I'm only 27! The world is my oyster. 

I would like to send a little note back to him once I sign the papers. I'm just not sure what to say. Maybe something about his new girlfriend or about the fact that I think this divorce is the best thing to ever happen to me. Not sure yet. 

I would bet money that my ex wants to marry this OW. I am sure he's in a hurry to tie her down and have children. Something he always wanted with me but never got. 

I'm just not sure how I'm feeling about everything today. A bit overwhelmed I guess.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

mls31, it's probably better to do what I've been doing - writing the letters and just tearing them up and not sending them. Your Ex-H will soon find that maybe he wasn't right all on his own. I don't think anything we say at this point to them will make much difference. 

But as you say, you have closure and the world is truly your oyster now. You are young and have your whole life to do what you want.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

why do you assume he wants to marry her?
I tend to assume the same thing about my H - but I think that because he wants to prove to the world and himself that it is 'true love' ....
but it is early days yet 
for everyone.

When you get a chance mls read back through your own posts - I have just done that (yours not mine!) 

You will see how great you were doing - 

You have been so straight and claer throughout. 

NOthing has changed - 

my friend Yoko who has been through this a couple of years ago always says it is like they 'sense' when you are doing good and they pull you down a little - to their guilty or angry or unhappy place. 

you will bob back up - 

I wouldn't reply to the note at all.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I think he'll try to marry her because he's never really been alone. All of his life he's had a female to take care of him. His mom, other girlfriends, me. I don't think he's ever been single and alone. He's never even lived by himself. 

And if he can get her pregnant, his dreams are met. 

Did I tell you guys that Christmas 2008, his parents got me a complete crib set (baby bedding). I was not pregnant. Nor were we even trying to get pregnant. My ex told his parents to get it for me because I happened to see it in a magazine and told him I liked the pattern.

When I opened it Christmas Eve, I freaked out. I didn't know what to say because I was so shocked. It was the only present I received that year. 

He wanted kids ASAP, yet couldn't tell me that. He always said it was up to me to decide when.

After Christmas, our relationship steadily went downhill.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Boy,
what a weird thing to do - 
both on his part and his parents
I just find it hard to believe he is dreaming of getting her pregnant though 
they have a long way to go as a couple 
and mls whether you have kids or not guys do this 
my h was and is crazy about his kids
but look what he has done ....


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

My ex emailed me again today. Apparently he thinks that I still owe him $300 for the November mortgage payment. At that time I was depositing a portion of my paycheck in our joint account to cover half of the mortgage, my car insurance and a little bit extra "just in case." I wanted to be sure things were paid. 

I moved out on November 20. So I prorated my half of the mortgage payment until the 20th (he was assuming I would pay for the full month, plus car insurance and extra for utilities, which I wasn't using). It turns out I shorted him $69.50. I told him I would gladly send him a check for that amount if that's what he wanted. 

He quickly replied that I could keep the money and that he was sorry for bothering and upsetting me. 

I think he's desperate for money. This would explain why the house and car have not been refinanced. Maybe he should have thought about this before he purchased a new laptop computer and a fancy surround sound system for the TV back in the fall!

He thought he could pull a fast one on me. I think he's learning that I am not a dumb pushover. I will fight for what's fair and right.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

You are one in control lady mls
love that you have the details all in your mind ready to share with him!
I am sure you brought much of this into the relationship and he fed off it... 
not anymore!


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Just read through the past page to get caught up....sorry about what you had to see Mls. I know that that hurt like hell. I remember the first time that I saw a picture of my ex with a girl during the first few months of our separation. It hurt me to the core and at that time I was still pregnant so I was even more emotional and more pissed!! 

I guess what Ill try to get at is yes while it hurts in a way in a strange way it almost can help you heal. I know that sounds strange but anytime I start thinking of my ex and oh maybe we should give it another go or maybe I was to hard on him i think of all those pictures he had on his myspace and damn, forget about it!! Why would I want to be with a man who was doing all that stuff while I was carrying our child? And for you...if your suspicions are correct that they maybe where seeing eachother while you both were still married...you don't need that you really don't. Nobody deserves that. Divorce is hard enough least thing people could do is do it with some decency and class. (does that even happen anymore!!)


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

More Facebook pictures surfaced today. I checked my ex's page and found that he also had pictures of him and the OW. In one picture he was giving her a kiss on the cheek. There's no doubt they are a couple. 

I'm just torn. One part of my brain is telling me that I need to let him go and move on. I am too good for him. 

But the other part keeps wondering if I did something wrong. If I was smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, friendly enough. I just wasn't enough, therefore he found someone who was. 

How do I tell that part of my brain to shut up?


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Oh...I am no longer going to check out their Facebook pages. I can't keep doing that to myself. I need to move on.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Probably a good idea MLS. It will drive you crazy.

I love how you took control of his $300 request. He is sounding really desperate for money. Good!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I am to the point that I would rather not sleep. 

I am finally sleeping now but my dreams have been insane. I don't think there has been a night when I haven't dreamed about my ex. I've had dreams where my ex and I reconciled, I'm having a baby, I've physically attacked him, and I've verbally assaulted my in-laws. It's every freakin night!

Last night's dream was the worst. It was just awful. To bad to even post. I have a tendency to grind my teeth when I sleep if I'm stressed. All day today my entire head and jaw have been throbbing. 

I know this sounds stupid but it makes sleeping downright miserable.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls,
not stupid at all - 
have you considered some therapy for this?
a good psychologist will be able to help you through this rough patch - it is their world - dreams !
I'd get some professional help on this


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I agree with K, mls. A good therapist can do wonders for your coping skills. Sometimes we just need a safe place to fall to release all that stress and pain.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I spent probably 8 months not sleeping more than 5 hours and that was interuppted. No dreams....I never made it to REM sleep I think! Gradually, things are settling and I am sleeping better-not perfect.

Maybe try some relaxing music or easy book before bed...to calm your mind. Try visualization as well before you doze off. It doesn't always work the first time...it will take practice.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Me too on the sleep.
I found with strenuous exercise ( I am talking wear yourself out stuff) and getting up in the morning at the same time gradually I settled.
When things get tough I lose the pattern again though. 
It is very wearying though mls


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Today was difficult. I received several emails from my ex inquiring if I had signed our settlement papers. He wants me to sign them ASAP so he can get health insurance. 

Previously, he was covered under my insurance but I removed him as of Jan. 1. I didn't think it was my responsibility to cover him anymore. Plus, I told him I was doing this back in November and he seemed okay with it. 

Now he's freaking out because he doesn't have coverage at all. He can't get insurance through his work until he obtains the divorce decree. At the moment, I am working with my lawyer to add a few things to the settlement in regards to our house (I'm still worried about him not being able to refinance). I guess I should also mention that my ex is epileptic and requires meds which are kind of pricey. 

He is angry that I won't just sign the papers. I told him it's not my fault he doesn't have health insurance anymore and that I'm not going to rush to sign papers just to make him happy. To which he sent me another email telling me I should just sign them and that I shouldn't worry about the house and car. He isn't going to screw me over.

At that point I lost it and I replied back to him: "why the f--- should I care if you have health insurance? You are a stupid lying piece of s---. Go f---- yourself."

Harsh? Yes. But I feel so much better after saying it. Surprisingly, he hasn't responded.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Good for you, mls. Protect yourself. He can fend for himself.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

I am sure I have sent angry messages like that at one time or another. You are correct. He isn't your responsibility anymore. If he wanted to leave you to go chase another woman, well hey that woman can put him on her coverage. (See how she likes that?)

And your doing a smart thing. Don't rush into signing a decree that doesn't have everything that both you and your lawyer feel should be in there.

Document Document Document. A very important thing that I learned in both the military and nursing school. If it is not written down and documented it never happened. Make sure what you feel you need/deserve is written.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Another email from my ex today. He gave me this whole sob story about how he felt that I was pushing his buttons and trying to make him go broke by not signing the papers. Not sure how that all adds up. I've told him over and over that I will sign the papers once I finish reviewing them with my lawyer. No way in heck I'm staying married to him. I guess he wanted them signed yesterday. 

I finally confronted him about his affair. I said in my email that the only reason he wants me to sign these papers is so he can screw his new girlfriend and not be accused of adultery. I told him he needs to keep certain body parts in his pants and that he must be pretty stupid to think i wouldn't figure this out. 

I am sure my comments will fall on deaf ears. I am so sick of him acting like he is the victim and playing the "poor me" card. What does he have to be sad or upset about?? 

Maybe he's forgetting that this divorce was his freaking idea!! I cannot wait for this all to be over so I can start living again. I think being single and lonely will be a hell of a lot better than dealing with this.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Interesting isn't it?
You - pushing his buttons???? That must be because you know eachother so welll - hey hang on - you were married !!!!
And now you are trying to make him go broke! 
Sorry mls but I actually love the fact that he is rattled at the moment - and going broke without you in his life -
think he is heading for some tough times!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Yes it is kind of nice to know he is frantic. No reply from my email last night. I guess he doesn't have anything to come back at me with.

I found out from a friend of mine that the OW graduates from college this spring. I would put money on the table that they will soon be engaged. That's the main reason why he wants me to sign the papers right away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

mls31 said:


> Maybe he's forgetting that this divorce was his freaking idea!! I cannot wait for this all to be over so I can start living again. I think being single and lonely will be a hell of a lot better than dealing with this.


I hope you are right Mls, this is not fun is it. I can't sleep either but to be honest I also am afraid of being alone. So I really don't know what to expect when she moves out in two weeks.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

A few more emails today. My ex told me that I could think whatever I wanted regarding his relations with the OW. He said that he got the divorce because he was doing what he thought was right. He said we both didn't seem happy with each other, we had changed and wanted different things out of life. He also claimed that I said I thought our entire marriage was horrible. 

I told him that there were several things that I didn't like about our marriage but to say the entire marriage was horrible was a giant lie. Why would I stay with him if it was that bad? I asked him to explain all of the suspicious charges in our bank account, his trip to Wisconsin, and his current Facebook pictures with the OW. 

At this point, I just wish he would be honest with me. I know he had an affair, he might as well admit it. It makes me so angry that he lies to me and thinks I am stupid. 

I've sent my last email to him. I think I'm beating a dead horse now. He'll never admit that he was the one who screwed up.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

MLS: I love the fact that you have the upper hand. Karma.

I also loved your verbage in the email and cussing. Sometimes, it feels good. I haven't done that with my ex. I am still feeling sorry for him. Grrrr.

Take your time. It's his fault that he walked away. His health insurance is his concern.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

why can't they just be honest? what's to be lost? 
and why is he arguing with you 
HE wanted the divorce - it wasn't mutual -
they tell one lie and then they have to keep on lying to you, to themselves - he'll run out of steam one day and it will all catch up with him...
sorry mls - I am over -empathising....
you sound as clear and smart as ever - 
he sounds like as bigger loser as ever...


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

You go mls! You sound so strong!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I don't know if I'm really that strong. I put up a strong front but on the inside I am falling apart. 

The last few weekends I've felt really alone. For awhile, a lot of my friends were calling me to get together or just ask how I am doing. Now, nothing. I get the impression they are uncomfortable around me. So now, most of my weekends are spent at home with my parents. 

I am to the point now that I no longer miss my husband, I just miss certain aspects of being married. I loved the fact that I always had someone to come home to and make plans with. However, most of the time I came home to an empty house and if my ex was home he'd prefer to lay on the couch than spend time with me. That aspect was always lacking in our marriage and it's something that I always wanted and never really got. 

Also, looking back I can't believe I was married. Growing up I was never one to think about my dream wedding. I always assumed I would never get married. In fact, my current life is what I always pictured my life to be. Weird. I always pictured my life as a single (somewhat lonely) person, dedicated to my work, family and friends. Maybe I should've stuck to that plan all along!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I guess that you can never truly plan your life! Haha

You never know what can happen in time. 

You deserve to have the life you want with the person that you want. It takes time to heal and feel better.

I just keep walking...trying not to turn back.


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

mls, I think you're going to be ok! Things are always bad after a brake up, but time heals all wounds... it does. You need to start focusing on living! On laughing! On enjoying your life.... You need to leave the ice cream in the fridge and go out there among your friends and meet new people! Yes, it will be hard for a while but then you're going to start loving your new life, you are going to love being you again! It will happen. You need to focus on yourself now. Get out there and live life fully! No more sitting on the couch with a man who didn't love you - you get another chance at living - take it!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls - it is time to try and make some new friends and do something unexpected - don't sit at hoem with your folks unless you want to =friends and even family do stop calling - so you haveto reach out in other ways - it can feel like a huge effort - but getting out meeting new people will change that.....


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I had kind of an ah-ha moment last night after reading through all of your comments.

I came to the realization that my ex did love me. What we had was true love, for a time. There's no way he or I could discredit that. I believe I did everything I could to be a good wife and lover. I firmly believe that. I have nothing to be ashamed of. However, I don't like the way my ex treated the last 8 months of our marriage. His behaviors are not a reflection of what I did wrong...it's what he did wrong. Here's my thinking:

Do I like the person he has become? No.
If he asked me to come back would I? No. 
Am I angry he cheated? Absolutely.
Do I miss him? At times. 
Do I hate him? To an extent. 
Do I hurt? Yes.

I don't care what he has with his 22 year old girlfriend. There is no way he can forget everything we shared together (although he may replace all of those memories with new ones with her). I am happy that he taught me about love and what true love really means. At least I can say I was truly, 100%, without a doubt in love with someone. Some people can't even say that. 

From now on, every minute I spend thinking about what he is doing, what he's doing with the OW, checking his Facebook account, is a minute I could spend being truly happy. Why keep making myself upset worrying about him? It's time to move on! 

I am willing to wait to find true unconditional love. If it takes ten years, it takes ten years. I want it to be right this time and I know what I'm looking for now. I just hope I don't have to kiss a bunch of frogs to find a prince!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

kissing a few good lookingfrogs won't hurt though !


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> I am willing to wait to find true unconditional love. If it takes ten years, it takes ten years. I want it to be right this time and I know what I'm looking for now. I just hope I don't have to kiss a bunch of frogs to find a prince!


Grribbittt! C'mere baby! 

Seriously. . .food for thought: maybe I have become "cynical" following my divorce but I don't think it's really cynicism as much as "pragmaticism."

I have come to realize that my stb-x and I were like a Klingon and Ferrengi being married. For non-Trekkie nerds, Klingons are a warrior race, all about passions, honor, strength and achievement, probably the "romantics". The Ferrengi are about wealth accumulation, collaboration, building things, status and partnership.

The two have their strengths and weaknesses and appeal and unappeal.

Anyway, I think it would serve me to be less "romantic" in my next view of what I want from a wife and maybe you are/were a romantic like me. I am 41 years old now. . .with 3 kids and dating women I think is harder as they actually seem more "kid-adverse" than men, even if they have their own!!!! Especially if they are past the little kid age. . .but in contrast, older women seem open to flings with me so I have decided that's best for me (when and if I do fling - haven't yet).

I realize that "love" the second-time around should probably be more "business-like"/Ferrengi and less passionate. I mean, I always be Klingon, can't change who you are. . .but to a certain extent marriage isn't all about romance and is a serious business partnership. 

It's a blend.

Just something for you to chew on in the future and to help you heal. . .from one romantic to what sounds like another. . .in the meantime, kiss a few frogs.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

A lot of things have been running through my head lately. I've come to grips with my divorce and the fact that I may never see or communicate with my ex after the divorce. I'm okay with this. I don't want him back and I don't miss him. 

I do miss having someone in my life. And I miss my house. 

The thought of dating and finding someone else is exhausting. Maybe that means I'm not ready yet. I think I'm going to take the advice of one of my friends who is also having marital issues. She said if someone wants to date her, they'll be the ones doing the pursuing. I laughed and agreed. 

I've also had strong thoughts about having kids. I just don't know it's going to happen for me or if I'm cut out for motherhood. I know I am young but I can't shake these thoughts. Maybe it was a sign when I was the one holding back in my marriage when it came to having kids.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mls: Try not to make any rash decisions about your life right now. 

You are still healing and will be for a long while. Don't let that discount your opportunities for fun and exploring others. 

There are no signs for now. Just take it as "what is...for the moment." 

Heal yourself from within. You are a strong woman.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls so much time for kids - really -
you are free for now 
try and enjoy what that freedom offers


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

Listen to CW and K, they know of what they speak. And you are strong. You are doing this!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I've been doing better lately. More positive and concentrating more on the future. I've been focusing a lot of my energy on my job and the possibilities with it. 

I talked with my lawyer last week regarding our settlement papers. The ball is now in my ex's court. He will soon have the legal understanding that if he wants the house and me to sign the papers, he will have to refinance now. 

There are still things that make me angry. I'm angry that the way I am living now is not my choice. This future was decided for me due to another persons actions. I hate that.

Part of me still wants my ex to come clean about his affair. I just want to be able to say, "yep, I was right all along."


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Very good news mls and so nice to hear from you.....
you know you are right - and one day you probably won't even care ....keep on moving and get some exciting career stuff happening - that's a great way to focus your energies. 
Don't expect him to move quickly on the refinancing though - he won't have changed that much!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm glad you are feeling better and more positive. I suppose living with the folks isn't the thing that you wanted at this stage. Just look at it as a transition.

You are an independent intelligent woman. In a year, your life WILL be significantly different.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

This is what I don't understand. Today I got an email from my ex saying that he wanted information about COBRA insurance since he is still worried about being without health coverage. If you remember, I suggested COBRA as kind of a joke. He said wanted some type of coverage since the divorce was taking longer than what he planned. 

I responded and told him that he can Google info on COBRA and that it's not my responsibility to make sure he has health insurance. He's on his own now. 

I then scanned a copy of the letter that was sent to his lawyer explaining my issues with the marriage settlement. I said these need to be addressed before I sign anything. 

His reply: thanks for the help and information. Sorry to bother you and I will work on that tomorrow with my lawyer. 

WTF??

Everything that he has pushed, I have rebuffed. To which he quickly responds with an apology and a thank you for my help. He acts tough but as soon as I push back he crumbles. I don't get it. At least he's easy to argue with...haha.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls ,
our ex's are so similar 
I think this is what is happening 
He can't stop seeing you as his support person - he has always shared this stuff with you 
it is like my H contacting me the minute he got the first big bill after we split finances - .....
they think of us as the people who solve their issues - health/finances ....
it's quite pathetic -


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

K, I think you're right. My H said several times during our marriage that he always admired the fact that I was so independent and mature. He said I always knew how to handle things. This impressed him. I am sure that he is now feeling lost and doesn't know who to turn to. 

However, this is what he wanted. I am no longer responsible for his problems, concerns and issues. I am not his wife and I told him repeatedly that I wouldn't be his friend. 

Tonight I got an email from him telling me congrats on becoming an aunt. I never told him that my brother and sister-in-law were expecting. This had to hit him hard knowing that he could have been an uncle. Or maybe not. Whatever.

I don't understand his attempts to be friendly towards me. In one email he is accusing me of ruining his life and making him go broke but in the next he congratulates me on becoming an aunt. Does he think I'll just excuse his piss poor behavior over the last 6 months??


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

He's not thinking straight. You are. Keep it up 

My W called me twice out of the blue today. She still assumes we can be friends after all that she has done to break up this family. I did not pick up. In the end she sent me an email because she wanted something from me. What a surprise .....


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mls: He's floundering and lost. Nothing REALLY surprising to you, now that you think about it?

He probably want to be friends. I have one of those....


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

of course they want us to be friends - problem is they don't have the first idea what that means - 
they have hurt us deeply and profoundly - 
if they recognized this they would be ashamed to be looking for friendship from us...


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

K, I think you nailed it. I don't think my ex realizes just how much has hurt me. He probably feels that if he's nice to me, I'll play a roll in his life. Whatever that roll may be. 

Just got my hair cut. They lady who cuts my hair also does my mother-in-law's. She said my MIL asked if I was getting my hair done there. Apparently she is worried that our hairdresser will tell all of our stories to each other. She made it clear that she is not going to get in the middle but feels bad for both of us. I told my hairdresser that I could care less what she says about me, I have bigger things to worry about.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

get a new hairdresser -


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

My last post was rather confusing. So I'll try to clarify. My hairdresser and l have been friends for several years. I think she feels caught in the middle since she does my hair and my MIL's. My hairdresser wanted me know that whatever is said between her and I stays that way and vice versa for my MIL and my hairdresser. My hairdresser is not here to pick sides but understands the pain we are both going through. 

I know she is a friend and would never stab me in the back or talk evil about me. If anything I think she is confused by the actions of my ex and my MIL.

I can be the bigger person and move on. I don't think I should have to get a new hairdresser just because she does my MIL's hair.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

K & MLS - The friend thing... My soon to be ex (wow, its strange to finally be saying that) wants us to be friends. How can I be friends when he's out playing the field and has multiple girlfriends? How can I be friends with him when I know he's enjoying life with these other girls and never once enjoyed life with me? I thought I could do it, but yesterday is the first day I have completely ignored his calls and didn't even acknowledge he existed. Today I had to see him because we work for the same company (but normally different buildings). "you seemed kinda distant. Is everything okay?" No you a**; everything is not okay - you made sure of that. Go upstairs and see your girlfriend that works in the the same building as me! I am going between the anger and sad phase. Why do I now feel sad that I had the courage to push him away for once??


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Zoecat - stay strong. You don't owe him anything. You don't have to pick up his calls. "is everything ok?" what a jerk. He's clueless.

My W also is under the assumption we can "still be friends" even though she has been cheating on me since October (as far as I know). What makes them think this? It really doesn't matter. I will not pretend what she is doing is ok and I will not make anymore excuses for her with the kids.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Maybe we should take our spouses attempt to remain friends as a compliment. Obviously they are the ones who are unable to move on without us. We must make awesome friends!

Too bad they can't have their cake and eat it too.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

mls31 said:


> Maybe we should take our spouses attempt to remain friends as a compliment. Obviously they are the ones who are unable to move on without us. We must make awesome friends!
> 
> Too bad they can't have their cake and eat it too.


MLS - So true! But you know what? I am realizing that my H is no longer worth my friendship. Maybe somewhere down the road, but right now, he's not even the person I married or considered my best friend 6 months ago.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

sorry sorry mls I didn't mean my comment as an attack on your hairdresser - it was just a thought that maybe you don't need this connection - but if she is friend I understand - so many awkward relationships emerge after splits...


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

K- I didn't mean to attack your comment. I knew what you meant. I guess I'm just greedy and think that since I've known my hairstylist longer, I should get the upper hand. If anything my MIL should take her and her hair elsewhere!! Haha.

Lately, I've felt like I constantly need to prove to people that I'm doing okay and that my life is great. I try to make plans for the weekends, go out after work with coworkers and just generally make myself very busy. I want people to think "wow, she's really doing well and has quite the social calendar." 

This couldn't be farther from the truth. Most of my plans don't work out or I'm too scared to reach out and plan something. Heck, even when I do go out with friends I can't help but think that I'm a pathetic loser. I feel like I can put up a good front but on the inside I'm a total wreck.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls I am in a similar place - but every now and then I find myself enjoying myself as well...
I feel as though you are starting in on being a bit critical of yourself - I'll bet you are a high achiever
you are already doing great - stay at home - go out who cares - you are surviving your first year after a divorce.....no prizes for doing it any particular way...
we do put on a good front - and it doesn't feel real yet - but over time it won't be a front 
just be real with yourself and try not measure yourself against anyone or anything....you are living a good life and are a good person...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Great advice K....be yourself and stop measuring yourself against others. 

You are a smart woman, no person like you. You are unique and each situation is different. I have a feeling that you will be kicking azz and taking names in the next year!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Yep, you guys are right. I expect a lot out of myself. If I see a problem, I fix it. This current situation however, I am unable to fix. I remember when my ex told me he wanted a divorce, I spent a lot of time online Googling how to fix our marriage problems (hence, how I found this Web site). This can be frustrating. I believe time is the only fix. 

It seems that I only focus on the good parts of our marriage. I forget or block the really bad or not so good parts. I think there were more not so good than good.

I did a lot of waiting during our marriage. I wish I could get those hours back now. 

I waited for my H to come home from work (he'd call and say he'd be home in 30 minutes, which turned into well over an hour)
I waited for him to get done playing golf
I waited for him to finish his bowling league
I waited for him to get home after hanging out with the guys
I waited for him to get off the couch
I waited for him to spend time with me
I waited and waited and waited

This behavior emerged when we started dating. During our first year of dating he was in college in North Carolina while I was in Indiana. I flew down to seem him (borrowing cash from my parents to fund the trips) twice that year. While we had a lot of fun together, I ended up spending a lot of time by myself because he had scheduled other activities while I was there. I was shocked that he had made other plans as I had just spent a small fortune (to a college student) to see him but I went along with it.

And now I'm waiting for this divorce to be over. Once it is over, there will be no more waiting. My time is valuable!!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I think we're going for the world's longest divorce here. I just texted my ex a few times tonight to try to figure out where he is in regards to refinancing the house and car. Apparently there is a letter coming from my ex's lawyer that "explains it all." 

I've asked him if he's having trouble refinancing and if maybe we should sell the house instead. I got no solid answer. This is his 4th mortgage company he's worked with to refinance (and those are only the ones he's told me about). Talk about a red flag!!

I told him that the reason I am unwilling to sign the marriage settlement papers is due to the fact that he's giving me shady answers about refinancing. I am worried about my interests. He assures me that he's given me all of the information and that I'm the one making things difficult.

I have a feeling he got the house appraised and realized that we owe way more on the house than what it's actually worth. Now he'll want to sell it and make me pay for half of the difference. 

I just want this to be over.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Oh and I just wanted to say that there is no way I'm ever getting married again. Especially if the odds are 50% that I could be doing this again if I were to remarry.

I'm not willing to take that risk.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Keep your mind open for now....

Eventually this will be settled...

I believe that it's difficult to refinance at this point. Lenders aren't very open anymore.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls 
the money stuff will be sorted - doesn't sound like it's his strong point! 
at least you have a good head on your shoulders and a place to stay for now -
one day all this will be behind you....


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I got some bad news the other day. I found out we are upside down on our mortgage and that my ex doesn't have the $$ to refinance. I was devastated to hear this. My ex suggested I pay him a small monthly fee and give him 2 years to get the money to refinance. I don't think I should pay for a place I'm not living in.

My lawyer and I are coming up with a "counter offer" where we give him 1 year to either refinance or we sell the house and he has to come up with the difference. We'll see how that goes over. 

I did get a phone call from my ex. Apparently he is trading in the car we both in for a new one. Pisses me off he's getting a new car out of the deal. However, he will have a larger debt when this is all over.

I've been feeling pretty crappy lately. I caught some type of nasty stomach bug over the weekend. My dinner tonight consists of ice chips and Gatorade. Just another day in paradise.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The counter offer sounds fair....

It will take you a good year to land on your feet mls. There is NO doubt that you will! 

Sorry about the belly!!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

mls that's not great about mortgage but we aren't so surprised given that he is pretty hopeless with this stuff. Let your lawyer do the work for you on this one - and I wouldn't be entering into an arrangement where you are paying for a house you are no longer living in when it wasn't your choice. He reminds me so much of my ex - he's be getting a car before he would be sorting out a house - same same!!!!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

It looks like the car deal fell through. My ex texted me to tell me that he didn't need me to sign over the title of the car to him in order for him to trade it in. 

Whatever. I am honestly not surprised. He pulled this kind of stuff all through our marriage. He was constantly promising/saying/doing something "big" only to tell me a day later that it all fell through.

Today is my birthday!! I am praying that 28 is a hell of a better year than 27. 

Tonight I'm hitting the town with a coworker. So far it's been a great day!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

How was your birthday? I hope it was fantastic and "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!" 

It will be a better year Mls-no doubt.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

The birthday was good. I'm still celebrating. 

The car deal finally went through. I had to go to the dealership today to sign some papers so my ex could trade in our car for a new one. It was very awkward since the dealer is a long time friend of my ex. The dealer talked non-stop about my ex (who thankfully wasn't there). I kept it strictly business and didn't comment much. 

I do have a question for everyone though, something I've been thinking about a lot. What role will your ex be in your life from here on? 

I realize some of you have children, so there will always be that connection. Will any of you remain friends? Talk regularly? Hang out? 

Part of me wants nothing more than to never talk to my H again. But yet part of me wants to have some contact with him. At least just to know where he lives, works, and how he is doing. 

I'm not sure if I can totally disconnect from him. He was my first everything. No matter how rotten he has been lately, I still think of the milestones we crossed together. 

Just wondering what you all think about this.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I don't know MLS what I am capable of right now. 

I am still disconnecting from him and frankly that isn't easy after 25 years. However, I know that gradually my life will be without him staring down at me. We will always have the children together...no doubt but eventually we won't see as much of each other.

Right now..no on friendship for me. My ex would like us to be "buddies" as he still invited me for dinner with our daughter and/or help with this or that. I don't need a friend like him for now.

Maybe 2 years from now or never. I haven't decided yet.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

I have nothing new to report other than the fact that my divorce is still not finalized. Ugh. 

I realized the other day that I AM doing this on my own. I'm making decisions and planning my future for me. I didn't really realize this earlier. I wake up and ask myself, "M, what do you want to do today?" It's kind of nice to be selfish. 

And there have been very few times where I'm in a situation and wished my ex H were there to help me through it. I didn't realize that I am so independent. 

My previous married life almost seems like a weird dream now. The life I am living now (while at times is not my ideal life) seems more real to me than being married. Very weird.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Surreal huh? That's how I feel. 

For the first time, since high school, I've been self centered. Not entirely, because I still do have my children but with one gone and another 15 and with me part-time....it's time for me.

A strange concept alone.

MLS: More than likely, you probably took care of the business end of the marriage. I know that I did much of it and was glad to do it. It only helped me move on quicker than if I took a submissive stance and allowed my ex-h to do everything.

It would be frustrating to have your divorce in limbo. No date set?


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Today I signed the divorce papers. I have a few things to get notarized tomorrow and then I can mail all the documents to my lawyer. In a few weeks, it should be finalized. 

The final settlement isn't as great as I wanted. My name is still on the house but I am not legally responsible for any of the payments or debt remaining. This may pose future problems if my ex defaults on the mortgage, which he swears he won't, and I might have difficulties purchasing a house in the future if my name is still attached to this house. However, I think this is the best option in a crappy situation. 

It's crazy to think my marriage is really over (exactly 7 months ago today is when everything fell apart). Parts of me still really miss my H. Parts of me still feel guilty. But a larger part of me is totally excited about what my future holds. My bad days are happening less and less.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I know how you feel regarding the uncertainty of our lives-when divorce present itself.

I have found that living in the moment is best for me. I've been a driven person....a planner in which I could never just "feel" the moment. I had to analyze and plan for the future moment. 

My life lesson is to enjoy what life has to offer in the here and now. Not that we can't plan for our futures but we need to put as much focus on today. 

You will be suprised how great your life can be, just keep moving forward and get excited about the doors that will be opening for you!!


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Just thought I'd give an update. Hopefully in a few weeks everything will be finalized with the divorce. Lately I've been having feelings of guilt. I have no idea why because I don't have anything to feel guilty about. I still feel like there may have been something that I didn't do or didn't do right. There are still so many unanswered questions that finding closure is hard to do. 

I received a really sad email today. A good friend of mine is separating and probably getting a divorce. She just had a baby last fall. I am so shocked by this because I secretly envied her life. I thought she had it all. But really she had a husband who was consumed by work and left her home alone for the majority of the time. Looking back, she made several comments that should have made me take note that things weren't going well. I feel so hurt for her.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Perhaps your guilt is misplaced at this time. All guilt does is have your focus on the past and ignore the present and future. Tuck the guilt away....logically you've done nothing wrong. It's not that you are or any of us are perfect. We all have made mistakes in our marriage.

I guess when you hear about your friend, it makes you thankful that you didn't have children to worry about....I know that would be my first thought. That is truly the ugly part of divorce. The kids have no choice. 

The divorce may give you some closure and allow you to move on a quicker manner. Who knows as there are no time tables. You are a smart girl....I think that you'll do just fine.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

I don't believe in friendship in your situation
Anyway from the beginning while reading your story I didn't believe he was wanting your friendship all what he wanted is to make leaving you easier for him to not feel guilty 
And as i got to your last reply i felt angry i am sorry for that
That's not a nice way to say things he is not acting as a gentleman and i don't know how much you trust his answer that he doesn't have anyone else in his life
I am not encouraging you to give up but I also don't encourage you to ran after him and any move you will make now toward fixing things will be understood as running after him.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

As of today, I am single. My divorce is final. It's done. 

Not sure how I totally feel. I think mostly relief. I feel like I can finally move on with my life. Although, I don't know what my life exactly looks like or should be like. 

I should admit that I secretly want my ex-H to fail. I check his local paper weekly to see if his name shows up in the police reports, to see if he is posting an engagement announcement or to see if he lost his job. I want something bad to happen to him so that I can say, "see? Your life would be way better if you would've worked it out with me." 

I know this isn't healthy. And I also know it's time to move on. I guess I need to work on this.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well MLS I'm also in the waiting mode and hope by the end of the month it's final. Not sure how I will feel when I'm single, since I've been married my whole life. LOL But I think like you when it's finally done I will feel some sense of relief. 

My stb-x has done some pretty horrible things to me, but I don't want her to fail - rather I just want to earn back everything that she has taken from me. 

I want her to see that she may be able to knock me down, but I'm going to get right back up and do even better then before. I think the key is to live a good life and not try to waste my energy on bad thoughts about my X. I wish her the best, but really don't plan to stay in contact with her or follow her activities. 

I am taking this opportunity to change my life and have started a bucket list of things I am going to do.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Wanting some revenge is not unusual, just let those thoughts amuse you for a minute and then make yourself get involved in something else. Balance your checkbook if you can't find anything else to focus on for the moment. As the poster above just said, living well is the best revenge--and of course, serves you best. So commit to focusing on you and not wasting an ounce of energy on him, and soon it will become easier. Stick around and keep us up to date.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

mls31 said:


> As of today, I am single. My divorce is final. It's done.
> 
> Not sure how I totally feel. I think mostly relief. I feel like I can finally move on with my life. Although, I don't know what my life exactly looks like or should be like.
> 
> ...


MLS - I haven't posted in a while, but I am one day behind you. My divorce was final on 4/14. We separated in November and it's been a strange 5 months. I too am like you - I check the court records to see if ex has gotten a ticket or arrested or did he immediately get a marriage license. 

I tried really hard to wake up on Thursday morning with a new attitude. I am trying to keep the past in the past and move on.

Good luck.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

Wow. It's been a while since I've been on here. I don't recognize a lot of the posters anymore. :-(

Life has moved on for me. I successfully completed my training program for my job but I'm still waiting to land in a permanent location. That means I'm still on the road traveling and living with my parents when I'm not. I've reconnected with a lot of old friends, some from high school and college. I've told several people that I've had more fun living with my parents and catching up with old friends than I had the last 3 years living with my ex husband. Crazy! I recently became an aunt to the cutest little girl too. And yes, I'm still single... and that's okay (even though everyone else thinks I need to start dating)!!

I haven't seen my ex husband since Nov. 2009 and I haven't talked to him since March. I no longer miss him but I do, at times, miss having someone in my life. I don't want to get back together with him nor do I want to be his friend. But lately I have been thinking about something. I am thinking of sending him an "I'm sorry" email. I want to apologize to him for anything I have done to hurt, anger, frustrate, or depress him over the past 7 years we were together. I want him to know that above all else I always wanted him to succeed and be happy with life. I realize there were things that I did that were probably not the nicest, and I want to apologize for it. Lord knows I had some crazy moments during our divorce.

I am okay with the fact that he may not respond to this or that he may fire back with something nasty. I'm not writing this to get back together with him or forge some type of friendship. I just want to say I'm sorry. That's all. I'm not even fishing for details about what he's doing with his life now. I want him to know that I care about him. 

Am I crazy for thinking about sending him something? Or should I just keep chugging along without contact?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Write the letter.

Sit on it for a few days before deciding to send it. I think the act of writing it will probably be cathartic for you.


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

I just caught up with your story, and I'm with Deejo on this. Write it, but just wait for a bit. I've written so many letters that just feel 'done' the moment I finish them. Sometimes, the most important person to admit things to is yourself, and at least you know your sentiment won't be wasted on yourself.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

I am happy for you how you managed your life and moved on.

I don't know if my reply is late i just read your post but i also join Deejo and healingme write it and wait for few days before sending it..

I wish you the best


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