# Husband has Aspergers and I'm thinking about divorce



## Big Mama

My H and I have been married for quite some time. Here in the past two years we found out he has Aspergers. That explains alot of our issues since it is more of a social disorder. 

My H and I have not gotten along for a while and I am contemplating divorce. I feel badly because it is not right to leave someone because you find out they have an issues. It was for better or for worse ya know. He has been there for my worse and now I am thinking of leaving him because of his worse.

The issues is the things he says to me are very cold. HE seems almost like a narcissist. I know now that this disorder causes people often to have an inability to compromise or to take into account others feelings. I am not sure I can live with this. He has become borderline verbally and emotionally abusive. I don't think I can stay in this kind of marriage. 

Are any of you out there married to an aspie or an aspie your self. I ask because I wonder how much of this is beyond his control and how much of this he chooses to do. 

Just for your information: I am going to put this in the mental health forum as well. Just thought I might get a different response in this forum.


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## PBear

I think an important consideration is what is he doing to address his issue? Having a label is useless if his actions don't change. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

It's an autism spectrum disorder. Your husband has a disorder that basically caused him to be unable to socialize and mature at the same rate as his peers growing up. He is essentially much less mature than you, and thus he is unable to cope with the more complex adult problems in life. 

I feel for you. It's tough what you are having to deal with. 

But before you divorce I think you should exhaust all your options. There may be cognitive therapies he can undergo to become more empathetic with you and your feelings. 

Remember that Aspies have to be taught what most people pick up naturally. Good luck. 



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

Like bandit says, before giving up on the idea of marriage with him, aside from him finding ways to make it work, you too should seek help from a professional that can help you through your particular situation - they may be able to give you strategies to set and enforce appropriate boundaries, help communicate with him better, and help identify his needs so your efforts and emotions are not in vain.


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## richie33

ASD didn't happen over night. He was born this way. You fell in love with him and married him. To use aspergers as the reason to divorce is a cop out. Just say you want to divorce cause you are no longer compatible.


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## Garrett

I am a 40 year old married aspie. What would you like to ask me?


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## Big Mama

Garrett thank you so much. That is the most supportive thing I have heard in a while. I do have something I want to ask you actually. I think my H is abusive because he choses to be. Do you as an aspie have a choice in how you treat others or just how you treat others just happen. 

I have other aspies say "I have aspergers and I am not abusive" that is a personal choice. I do think he is teachable. My son is an aspie to and he is teachable. 

Some have said that choosing say whatever and blaming it on aspergers is what is going on here. 

Do you have any insight into the mind of an aspie that may help me in this situation of mine. 

Thank You for you willingness to help.


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## Garrett

Big Mama said:


> Garrett thank you so much. That is the most supportive thing I have heard in a while. I do have something I want to ask you actually. I think my H is abusive because he choses to be. Do you as an aspie have a choice in how you treat others or just how you treat others just happen.
> 
> I have other aspies say "I have aspergers and I am not abusive" that is a personal choice. I do think he is teachable. My son is an aspie to and he is teachable.
> 
> Some have said that choosing say whatever and blaming it on aspergers is what is going on here.
> 
> Do you have any insight into the mind of an aspie that may help me in this situation of mine.
> 
> Thank You for you willingness to help.


Can you provide me with some examples of what you believe is abusive?

*Having Aspergers does NOT make you abusive! Absolutely not! That is a choice, personality trait or a mental issue!*

If anything, the syndrome makes us un-confrontational! 

It can, however, make you appear to be rude and rigid. It can make you seem dull, miserable and stubborn.

Many times, when I get nasty, it is because of "over sensory issues". 

Do you know what they are? 

I become overloaded and cannot deal with what is going on and my prime goal is to get out of the place that is making me feel that way and sometimes I can be mean.

But not "mean" mean.....just ignorant, "wtf is wrong with that dude?" mean. Never abusive!


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## Big Mama

bandit.45 said:


> It's an autism spectrum disorder. Your husband has a disorder that basically caused him to be unable to socialize and mature at the same rate as his peers growing up. He is essentially much less mature than you, and thus he is unable to cope with the more complex adult problems in life.
> 
> I feel for you. It's tough what you are having to deal with.
> 
> But before you divorce I think you should exhaust all your options. There may be cognitive therapies he can undergo to become more empathetic with you and your feelings.
> 
> Remember that Aspies have to be taught what most people pick up naturally. Good luck.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are both 40. He is a successful business owner. Bring an aspie has aided him in his business. He is in construction. He needs to be very meticulous with what he does. And this disability is certainly a girt in some aspects. I am sure he did mature at a different rate as a child. But we are not kids anymore. 

We are in T together. That seems to help some, and I have learned to anticipate certain behaviours from him. Like when things go on that are out of routine, I know that he is gonna be stressed and not handle things appropriately. To regain control he requests for things to be cleaned. Clean the car, clean the house, clean the closet. I know this is what he does. He tries to reclaim order where he can. 

I've learned not to take some of the things he says personally. ex. Instead of saying "excuse me" he says "get your fat ass out of the way". But after a while that gets old. I try to help give him the words that would help but then he gets defensive. I am not sure whether he is being mean or if that is part of the aspergers. I can give other examples if needed. He just doesn't seem very open to learning a different way of doing things. It is unclear to the T if he is not open to it or if he is not capable of it.


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## Garrett

Big Mama said:


> We are both 40. He is a successful business owner. Bring an aspie has aided him in his business. He is in construction. He needs to be very meticulous with what he does. And this disability is certainly a girt in some aspects. I am sure he did mature at a different rate as a child. But we are not kids anymore.
> 
> We are in T together. That seems to help some, and I have learned to anticipate certain behaviours from him. Like when things go on that are out of routine, I know that he is gonna be stressed and not handle things appropriately. To regain control he requests for things to be cleaned. Clean the car, clean the house, clean the closet. I know this is what he does. He tries to reclaim order where he can.
> 
> I've learned not to take some of the things he says personally. ex. Instead of saying "excuse me" he says "get your fat ass out of the way". But after a while that gets old. I try to help give him the words that would help but then he gets defensive. I am not sure whether he is being mean or if that is part of the aspergers. I can give other examples if needed. He just doesn't seem very open to learning a different way of doing things. It is unclear to the T if he is not open to it or if he is not capable of it.


Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! "Get your fat ass out of the way?" That's not Aspergers, my friend! That is just an ignorant *******. I apologize for speaking about your husband like that!

I know all about routines being thrown off, but I am an adult now. I throw a little fit. Say some harmless little things like, "I can't believe we are out this late. This is my shower time." But then I realize that I am a frikkin adult and I get over it. The Aspergers still make me anxious, but I realize that it is not that big of a deal.

What you are dealing with here is something much bigger than Aspergers!!!! The aspies I know, myself included, have EXTREMELY difficult times saying mean things to people. Most of us were bullied our entire lives because we were different, too nice, and didn't fight back.


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## Big Mama

Garrett said:


> Can you provide me with some examples of what you believe is abusive?
> 
> *Having Aspergers does NOT make you abusive! Absolutely not! That is a choice, personality trait or a mental issue!*
> 
> If anything, the syndrome makes us un-confrontational!
> 
> It can, however, make you appear to be rude and rigid. It can make you seem dull, miserable and stubborn.
> 
> Many times, when I get nasty, it is because of "over sensory issues".
> 
> Do you know what they are?
> 
> I become overloaded and cannot deal with what is going on and my prime goal is to get out of the place that is making me feel that way and sometimes I can be mean.
> 
> But not "mean" mean.....just ignorant, "wtf is wrong with that dude?" mean. Never abusive!




Like last week he gave me grocery money and said "Now don;t ask me for another dime for another month" 

You will respect me. (so that means no one can argue back with him and defend themselves) 


Get your fat ass out of my way instead of saying excuse me.

Everything is his way or no way. It all or nothing. 

I broke my Toe and couldn't vacuum. I told him i broke it. When he got home he wanted to know why the house wasn't vacumed. I told him because I broke my toe ( 4 hours earlier) and he said so what, that is no reason, the floor still has to be vacuumed. Weds is vacume day. And it must be done on Weds there are not any excuses. 

He wanted to know when was I gonna get groceries. He gives me the grocery money and I have learned not to mention money to him. So he gives it to me at his leisure. He was mad because we didn't have any milk. 

He got angry two days ago because we bought new wash cloths 6 months ago and now they seem to be missing. Where are they. What did u do with them. Find them. I want to know where they are. I told him they were in the wash. (it was only 6 total) When I did laundry 2 days later I showed him, see here are the washcloths. then his answer was so what Why d you think I care. (It didn't dawn on him that he made me cry because I couldn't account for them) and now I did and he doesn't recall. Is that aspie or abuse. 

We ran out of toothpaste and he threw a fit. I was going to get groceries the next day. I told him just use the kids. Sorry but it was bubble mint. HE said No Way Was he using that ****. We went around and around. I drove 20 miles at 10:30 at night to get him Crest toothpaste. when I arrived home with it, he asked where did you go. When I told him to get toothpaste he got mad again and said "I never said you had to go tonight." That was the only way I could make him stop. So I did wrong yet again. I can never please him. and I can't take that kind of stuff from him. Is that aspie or (verbal) abuse. 

Those are just to name a few here in the past 2 weeks.


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## Garrett

Big Mama said:


> Like last week he gave me grocery money and said "Now don;t ask me for another dime for another month"
> 
> You will respect me. (so that means no one can argue back with him and defend themselves)
> 
> 
> Get your fat ass out of my way instead of saying excuse me.
> 
> Everything is his way or no way. It all or nothing.
> 
> I broke my Toe and couldn't vacuum. I told him i broke it. When he got home he wanted to know why the house wasn't vacumed. I told him because I broke my toe ( 4 hours earlier) and he said so what, that is no reason, the floor still has to be vacuumed. Weds is vacume day. And it must be done on Weds there are not any excuses.
> 
> He wanted to know when was I gonna get groceries. He gives me the grocery money and I have learned not to mention money to him. So he gives it to me at his leisure. He was mad because we didn't have any milk.
> 
> He got angry two days ago because we bought new wash cloths 6 months ago and now they seem to be missing. Where are they. What did u do with them. Find them. I want to know where they are. I told him they were in the wash. (it was only 6 total) When I did laundry 2 days later I showed him, see here are the washcloths. then his answer was so what Why d you think I care. (It didn't dawn on him that he made me cry because I couldn't account for them) and now I did and he doesn't recall. Is that aspie or abuse.
> 
> We ran out of toothpaste and he threw a fit. I was going to get groceries the next day. I told him just use the kids. Sorry but it was bubble mint. HE said No Way Was he using that ****. We went around and around. I drove 20 miles at 10:30 at night to get him Crest toothpaste. when I arrived home with it, he asked where did you go. When I told him to get toothpaste he got mad again and said "I never said you had to go tonight." That was the only way I could make him stop. So I did wrong yet again. I can never please him. and I can't take that kind of stuff from him. Is that aspie or (verbal) abuse.
> 
> Those are just to name a few here in the past 2 weeks.


Jesus Christ! I know of no Aspie like this. None! This is verbal abuse! 

Who gave him an Aspergers Syndrome diagnosis?? 

It sounds like he should have an a$$hole syndrome diagnosis.

Jesus Christ. I'm sorry you go thru that!


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## Garrett

And let me add, do you know what Aspergers Syndrome is?
It is a neurological disorder in our brains. We do not pick up on social queues. We sometimes say the wrong things. Not mean things, but we may say that the emperor is not wearing any clothes.

We have over sensory issues. In that, we have trouble with lights and sounds. We experience them on a more hardcore level than others without Aspergers.

If you haven't, read up on the syndrome. This guy is giving it a bad name. It's a communication dysfunction. Most of us have very high IQs. I believe that someone that treats someone the way you are describing has an extremely low IQ. 

That's like, cave man stuff!


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## Big Mama

My Therapist took the things he does and divided them into two groups. 

Asswhole or Aspurgers. 

that helped alot. That i why I am in this forum right now. Most of it is asswhole. 

But yes I do know what aspergers is about. It is a social issues. Like my son doesn't understand that when someone is upset you need to leave them alone or not ask hey ya wanna go play basketball. 

My son often says man what kinda outfit is that, if it is not something he would choose to wear.

Or way to loud he will say, good grief is this old folks night at Golden Corral. He means no harm, it just falls out of his mouth. 

My son is almost 15. 

Bright lights, lots of noise, and when is he gonna eat again is the main things that bother him. 

My H, well it is loud noise especially that of children, disorganization like messiness, and he really needs to stick to his routine. 

The noise of children may be more along the lines of asswhole. That one is hard to determine. Kids are shrill, and relentless at times. But they are human and not being good little silent children like he would prefer. 

Same with the disorganization. We live in our house, me and 3 kids and him. But he makes no mess, we make lots. He works during the day and i do not. The kids do make a mess, do I like it, of of'course not but I don't get mad a people and call them lazy and stupid, sorry asses, and brats.


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## bandit.45

I believe it is perfectly possible to suffer ASD and be a jerk. Like Garret said, ASDs affects socialization and the way the brain takes in audio and visual data. That hypersensitivity is what makes many Aspies so brilliant, but the socialization issues can make them difficult to live with also. Bill Gates, Albert Einstein, Thomas Jefferson... They were all Aspies. Bill Gates is pretty much useless in public without his wife with him to act as his social visa. He was viscous in his early dealings with Steve Jobs. Einstein, brilliant as he was, left his first wife and kids for another woman. Jefferson was socially awkward and was disliked by many of his contemporaries. He was also politically cutthroat. He pretty much destroyed John Adams' political career. 

Aspies are usually shy and mild. But many can be ruthless too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## commonsenseisn't

I have an uncle and a nephew who have Aspergers and I have dealt with them successfully for many years. These two tend to be overbearing jerks, so my observations are thus oriented.

Lessons learned:
You must learn to stand up for yourself or they will drive you insane. If you allow them to dominate your relationship you will develop resentment that will kill the relationship. 

You must deal with them in a firm, consistent manner that yields consistent predictable consequences. 

You must truly love them or the relationship will not work.

You must feel empathy for them. They truly suffer in their affliction.

You must set and enforce clear boundaries.

You cannot let yourself engage them in a power struggle. You must set the rules and let the consequences fall. 

You must become an expert in administering tough love.

You must communicate bluntly and constantly with them and not assume they understand any communication nuances. 

You must have a good strategy in place to deal with their stubbornness. Don't believe you have to win every battle in order to win the war.

I'm not an expert, just my two cents worth for my limited experience. Good luck.


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## GusPolinski

bandit.45 said:


> I believe it is perfectly possible to suffer ASD and be a jerk. Like Garret said, ASDs affects socialization and the way the brain takes in audio and visual data. That hypersensitivity is what makes many Aspies so brilliant, but the socialization issues can make them difficult to live with also. Bill Gates, Albert Einstein, Thomas Jefferson... They were all Aspies. Bill Gates is pretty much useless in public without his wife with him to act as his social visa. He was viscous in his early dealings with Steve Jobs. *Einstein, brilliant as he was, left his first wife and kids for another woman.* Jefferson was socially awkward and was disliked by many of his contemporaries. He was also politically cutthroat. He pretty much destroyed John Adams' political career.
> 
> Aspies are usually shy and mild. But many can be ruthless too.


Yep... his first cousin.


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## Garrett

commonsenseisn't said:


> I have an uncle and a nephew who have Aspergers and I have dealt with them successfully for many years. These two tend to be overbearing jerks, so my observations are thus oriented.
> 
> Lessons learned:
> You must learn to stand up for yourself or they will drive you insane. If you allow them to dominate your relationship you will develop resentment that will kill the relationship.
> 
> You must deal with them in a firm, consistent manner that yields consistent predictable consequences.
> 
> You must truly love them or the relationship will not work.
> 
> You must feel empathy for them. They truly suffer in their affliction.
> 
> You must set and enforce clear boundaries.
> 
> You cannot let yourself engage them in a power struggle. You must set the rules and let the consequences fall.
> 
> You must become an expert in administering tough love.
> 
> You must communicate bluntly and constantly with them and not assume they understand any communication nuances.
> 
> You must have a good strategy in place to deal with their stubbornness. Don't believe you have to win every battle in order to win the war.
> 
> I'm not an expert, just my two cents worth for my limited experience. Good luck.


I agree with nearly all of this. Good post. You have learned a lot.

Being blunt with us is not rude to us! We prefer it that way! Clear direction, instructions and boundaries is the way to go. We will follow them to no end!


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## Big Mama

Thank you commonsence and Garrett. That is going to be quite difficult for me at this point. After being married to my H for 20 years I feel like scum who can't seem to scrape there own self up off the floor. 

I have a very avoidant personality. I am timid and shy and a people pleaser. I have zero self esteem and self worth. I also have HSP. (highly sensitive personality) I have developed PTSD partially due to him and partly due to a life from childhood up of abuse of a varying types.

I just don't know if this relationship is worth saving. When it is good it is really good, but when it is bad it is REALLY bad.


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## Big Mama

commonsenseisn't said:


> Lessons learned:
> You must learn to stand up for yourself or they will drive you insane. If you allow them to dominate your relationship you will develop resentment that will kill the relationship.


Yep. I agree. That is where we are right now and have been for quite a few years.


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## Garrett

Big Mama said:


> Thank you commonsence and Garrett. That is going to be quite difficult for me at this point. After being married to my H for 20 years I feel like scum who can't seem to scrape there own self up off the floor.
> 
> I have a very avoidant personality. I am timid and shy and a people pleaser. I have zero self esteem and self worth. I also have HSP. (highly sensitive personality) I have developed PTSD partially due to him and partly due to a life from childhood up of abuse of a varying types.
> 
> I just don't know if this relationship is worth saving. When it is good it is really good, but when it is bad it is REALLY bad.


If you tried counseling, then I would say it's a lost cause! You are being abused and do not deserve it. 

I am currently trying to get out of an abusive relationship. It's not going to get any better.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?


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## Big Mama

We have been in counseling for 2 1/2 years. The T has given strategies, and ideas, and alternatives. My H has "hears" very few of them. I am giving coping strategies, but there is no strategy for coping with abuse and for good reason, abuse is wrong.

I don't know if my H is not capable of change or not willing to change. 

Do I want to live the rest of my life like this? NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!! 

I just know when it is good it is the most wonderful relationship but when it is bad it is horrible. Given my past history of abuse as well, I am not sure this is gonna work. We have been married 20 years. the only thing that scares me about staying is dealing with another 20 years of this.


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## commonsenseisn't

Big Mama said:


> Thank you commonsence and Garrett. That is going to be quite difficult for me at this point. After being married to my H for 20 years I feel like scum who can't seem to scrape there own self up off the floor.
> 
> I have a very avoidant personality. I am timid and shy and a people pleaser. I have zero self esteem and self worth. I also have HSP. (highly sensitive personality) I have developed PTSD partially due to him and partly due to a life from childhood up of abuse of a varying types.
> 
> I just don't know if this relationship is worth saving. When it is good it is really good, but when it is bad it is REALLY bad.


Odd that you mention this... you sound exactly like my uncles wife! Uncle and aunt are now in their late 70's and have good marriage in spite of occasional bump in the road. We, the extended family, have been amazed their marriage endured and it's gratifying to see its reward. Uncle was abusive in every way except physically. 

You are discouraged and feeling beat down but if you are anything like my aunt (she looks and sounds like Olive Oyl) you will triumph. Don't underestimate your strength! 

My aunt has learned to meekly and gently stand up to my uncle and put him in his place. If you could see them you would know what a miracle this is. It's the dangedest thing we've ever seen and you know, they really do well together! 

By the way, my uncle was as bad of an Aspie as they come. I even banished him from my business and home. My aunt was as meek and timid as they come too. Only her inner strength and faith and reverence for the institution of marriage saved the day. Once she learned strategy to cope with him did it become easy for her.

I hope you can get some good professional advise on how to cope. Strength and courage. Feel free to PM me.


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## SamuraiJack

BigMama,
As a therapist myself, I can tell you that a lot of counselors out there dont have a clue what aspergers is and will dole out advice based on common psych. 
I would ask your therapist for a referral for your husband to a qualified specialist in AS. 
Counselors have a tendancy to explain things in emotional terms and that isnt what he needs.


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## Big Mama

SamuraiJack - You are absolutely correct. I don't think that my T is equipped to deal with adults with Aspergers. Aspergery children and preteens maybe, but definitely not adults. I didn't know that there are T's that specialize in that. 

I guess part of what I feel so guilty about is that my H has stuck with me threw thick and thin. I was raped as a teenager, brainwashed and used and raped for many months by the same man. When I finally escaped him, I thought I had escaped the mental issues that go along with that. Little did I know until I was a married adult that you don't escape that mentally by yourself. With the help of my T I have worked threw a lot of that stuff. It still has an impact on my mentality though greatly minimized compared two 2 years ago when I first told my husband. My H didn't throw our relationship away. 

We just got an official diagnosis that he it really is aspergers that my H is dealing with. For 20 years I thought he was just a jerk. The rude comments, and the OCD, and all the things that go along with aspergers. On tp of that he didn't know about the rape I had endured and he was triggering me almost every time we had sex and I was unable to help myself out the situations. I would freeze and would "go away" mentally. I don't know that he is/was equipped to deal with this fact as an asperger's person. Lacking empathy, having the right words at the right time, and stepping out of his own ego has been difficult for him. 

This is part of why I am struggling. He stuck by me and handled my issues and I don't seem to be handling his issues so well. Though my issues mainly come into play in the bedroom and during arguments. His issues seem to be an ongoing everywhere any time of day kinda thing. It is hard to tell weather what he says is aspurgers or asswhole, as my T says. Some of it I think is personal choice of his other times I think he is oblivious. That is also part of what makes this so doggone difficult.


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## PBear

My thinking is that if he's actively trying to fix things (himself in particular), you "owe" him some time and effort to work on your side of the relationship. But if he's not actively trying to work on things, there's no point to sticking around.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SamuraiJack

Get yourself a good therapist for him. one that can network with your MC.
Aspies arent bad people, they just need a little more understanding than others. What you two need to do is develop a way to give him the feedback he needs to treat you better and for you to not take everything he says to heart.
Tough combo, but it can be done.


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## Big Mama

We got an official diagnosis about 9 months ago. The T was 99% certain that is what his issue was, especially since my son has Aspurgers also. But with out an official diagnosis from a psychologist/psychiatrist (which ever it was) the T knew it was unlikely that he would believe it. 

We have been dealing with him as if he has aspergers for about 2 years now. He has quit going to T, he doesn't see where he is at fault. He says I am going to T because I need to, he doesn't go because nothing is wrong and he doesn't need to. If he doesn't want to go then he is not going to go. If I push him into going it will lead to resentment, and because he will not be going of his own free will I don't know that it will really help that much. 

I had conversation with him last night about the things he has said during the week that have upset me. The T has said "If you don't tell him, he want know what to change", "If he doesn't know he has said anything wrong how can he change it."

I listed earlier in this thread what he has said this week alone. I addressed each of those. I got an answer of "Ohhh, I didn't know I said that like that", "maybe I shouldn't have said that" and of course "Yeah that wasn't nice, but I was angry, or frustrated, or "that is what I meant to say and how you take it is your problem" By then I knew it was time to stop. 

So some of it was not planned but the more hurtful things were aimed to hurt I do believe. IDK, I just don't know what to do. 20 years is a long time to deal with this stuff. Alot of damage is going to be done. The T has said I need to decide and only I can decide for me and my kids what is right for me and what I can live with and what I am willing to help my children deal with. 

It has already had a negative impact on my two oldest children. Which led us to have court ordered intensive in home T as an alternative to having our children removed from our home. I don't want that same fate for our youngest child who is 7. I feel like I allowed our children to be witness to emotional abuse and verbal abuse and I didn't save them, just like I couldn't save me. 

Maybe I can save the little one that same fate or maybe divorce would be worse. IDK. GOD I JUST DON'T KNOW.


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## PBear

Him refusing to go to therapy would be a dealbreaker for me. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## commonsenseisn't

Big Mama

You certainly have a challenge, but I hope you won't give up too easily. I feel marriage is really worth rescuing and in spite of your discouragement I encourage you to have faith things can be turned around. Easier said than done.

I hope you can program yourself to judge your husbands actions/words by his intent, rather than outward appearances. Sure, it's hard to actually know somebodys intent but I think you can perceive much of it. 

Does your husband know how badly you feel? If not, you owe it to him to clearly make him aware how much danger your marriage is in. Like Garrett said, Aspies thrive better on clear/blunt communication. I wish you the best.


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## Swiper

Garrett said:


> Being blunt with us is not rude to us! We prefer it that way! Clear direction, instructions and boundaries is the way to go. We will follow them to no end!


As I told my wife: Just tell me what you want me to do, I can't read your mind.


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## SurpriseMyself

Garrett said:


> I agree with nearly all of this. Good post. You have learned a lot.
> 
> Being blunt with us is not rude to us! We prefer it that way! Clear direction, instructions and boundaries is the way to go. We will follow them to no end!


I've been wondering for a while if my husband is on the spectrum or perhaps just OCD and controlling. His "normal" can be very strange to me. For example, I have had to explain to him that he needs to respond when I'm speaking to him. If I say, would you take out the trash, he doesn't respond. He will take out the trash, but he finds any return communication unnecessary (his words). Same with something like, "that was a great movie." He won't respond with his take on he movie at all. Now, he can talk ad nauseum about sports. 

He also struggles with eye contact and appropriate touch. When he holds my hand, he either grips way too tightly until it hurts or, if I ask him to loosen his grip, his hand becomes like a dead fish.

He also will respond with little emotion. I can be remembering/retelling a funny story about our child and he is totally disinterested. Lastly, I can be sharing something and his response is off topic. 

Does this sound like Aspergers? He does not like direct communication about issues, which is something you mentioned that aspies prefer. He can also be mean, but only when angry.

What do you think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garrett

ebp123 said:


> I've been wondering for a while if my husband is on the spectrum or perhaps just OCD and controlling. His "normal" can be very strange to me. For example, I have had to explain to him that he needs to respond when I'm speaking to him. If I say, would you take out the trash, he doesn't respond. He will take out the trash, but he finds any return communication unnecessary (his words). Same with something like, "that was a great movie." He won't respond with his take on he movie at all. Now, he can talk ad nauseum about sports.
> 
> He also struggles with eye contact and appropriate touch. When he holds my hand, he either grips way too tightly until it hurts or, if I ask him to loosen his grip, his hand becomes like a dead fish.
> 
> He also will respond with little emotion. I can be remembering/retelling a funny story about our child and he is totally disinterested. Lastly, I can be sharing something and his response is off topic.
> 
> Does this sound like Aspergers? He does not like direct communication about issues, which is something you mentioned that aspies prefer. He can also be mean, but only when angry.
> 
> What do you think?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It sounds like he may have Aspergers or High Functioning Autism. A diagnosis would be best by a professional. But we do weird things like that.


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## SurpriseMyself

Garrett said:


> It sounds like he may have Aspergers or High Functioning Autism. A diagnosis would be best by a professional. But we do weird things like that.


Thanks for your perspective. I have mentioned this to him and he has let me know he has no intention of finding out. He doesn't like "labels" (his words) and would never seek a diagnosis or therapy. All I can do is guess/try to understand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Big Mama

ebp123 said:


> I've been wondering for a while if my husband is on the spectrum or perhaps just OCD and controlling. His "normal" can be very strange to me. For example, I have had to explain to him that he needs to respond when I'm speaking to him. If I say, would you take out the trash, he doesn't respond. He will take out the trash, but he finds any return communication unnecessary (his words). Same with something like, "that was a great movie." He won't respond with his take on he movie at all. Now, he can talk ad nauseum about sports.
> 
> He also struggles with eye contact and appropriate touch. When he holds my hand, he either grips way too tightly until it hurts or, if I ask him to loosen his grip, his hand becomes like a dead fish.
> 
> He also will respond with little emotion. I can be remembering/retelling a funny story about our child and he is totally disinterested. Lastly, I can be sharing something and his response is off topic.
> 
> Does this sound like Aspergers? He does not like direct communication about issues, which is something you mentioned that aspies prefer. He can also be mean, but only when angry.
> 
> What do you think?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




I think a diagnosis from a profesional is what you are looking for. I agreewith Garrett. 

The symptoms you describe could be from any number of things. The things you have described are also actions (or lack of actions) that a person who has suffered abuse at some point in there life would have. 

* Not talking about a movie, ex why you liked it , how it made you feel. that sounds like a response that someone who has been abused would give because they have learned that there feelings are not valued and have become afraid to feel...... or it is also aspie sometimes. I seldom say what I think, because what I think has never been valid. It turns into an argument or question what I feel, so I have learned to agree with what the other person is saying or just don't have an opinion that I am willing to share .

* Not saying anything when you ask him to take out the trash....same thing as above.

* Lack of eye contact. Aspies often have this but so do people with esteem issues. I never make eye contact. I am not aspie, but I have suffered sexual abuse. 

* Telling a story from you child hood and he doesn't respond or doesn;t share..... Aspie maybe, trying to forget past abuse maybe. Sometimes I do this to. Because thinking of the past is just to much .

That is why a professional diagnosis is needed. There are just to many variables to make a diagnosis ourselves.


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## Garrett

ebp123 said:


> Thanks for your perspective. I have mentioned this to him and he has let me know he has no intention of finding out. He doesn't like "labels" (his words) and would never seek a diagnosis or therapy. All I can do is guess/try to understand.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is only because he does not know the benefits of a diagnosis! 

A diagnosis will help him understand WHY he does the things he does, and trust me, he wonders. And that, in itself, causes axiety and stress.....and we do not communicate anything well, let alone anxiety and stress!

I didn't like labels either. And I don't like allowing my Asperger's to define me. When I was told about it, I denied it. I quit seeing that doctor and went and saw another.....

The new doctor just told me the same thing. But being a Aspie, we are a stubborn folk.

Once he gets a diagnosis, you can figure things out like, over sensory issues. If he has over sensory issues (Which are a frikkin nightmare), and then you ask him to do something or have a conversation with him, his brain is already going 10000000000 times an hour and trying to process 100000000 things at once. That is stressful!

But you don't know that right now, and neither does he. If he did, he would be able to identify it, as well as you, and know why it is happening.

When a routine gets broken, that can cause HUGE stress and anxiety. And again, when regular life things come up, he may react in a negative way towards it because he is stressed out and his anxiety level is at 100 because one of his routines were thrown off.

But again, you don't know that right now, and neither does he.

A diagnosis will allow you both to understand WHY he does the things he does, and then you take it from there.

You cannot force him to get a diagnosis, but one thing about Aspies is that we cannot deny logic.

Present this logic to him and see what he says. Ask him what he has to lose? Sure, he will get a "label", but it is so much more than that! 

It is an answer to your life! Take it from someone that went 38 years before getting a diagnosis!

Let me know if I can help in any other way!


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## SurpriseMyself

Big Mama said:


> I think a diagnosis from a profesional is what you are looking for. I agreewith Garrett.
> 
> The symptoms you describe could be from any number of things. The things you have described are also actions (or lack of actions) that a person who has suffered abuse at some point in there life would have.
> 
> * Not talking about a movie, ex why you liked it , how it made you feel. that sounds like a response that someone who has been abused would give because they have learned that there feelings are not valued and have become afraid to feel...... or it is also aspie sometimes. I seldom say what I think, because what I think has never been valid. It turns into an argument or question what I feel, so I have learned to agree with what the other person is saying or just don't have an opinion that I am willing to share .
> 
> * Not saying anything when you ask him to take out the trash....same thing as above.
> 
> * Lack of eye contact. Aspies often have this but so do people with esteem issues. I never make eye contact. I am not aspie, but I have suffered sexual abuse.
> 
> * Telling a story from you child hood and he doesn't respond or doesn;t share..... Aspie maybe, trying to forget past abuse maybe. Sometimes I do this to. Because thinking of the past is just to much .
> 
> That is why a professional diagnosis is needed. There are just to many variables to make a diagnosis ourselves.


He would say he wasn't abused, but he was very much ignores by his father and doted on by his mother. His mom also says he was not a lovey kid - not a hugger - but he was majorly attached to his mom. He came home for scout camp after a few days because he didn't want to be away from her, and he was 12 at the time. He also used to follow me around the house until I told him to stop. I could be in the bedroom reading and he would come in. I'd move to the living room and he would find his way there shortly. I like my space, and he does give it to me now.

He also feels like he had to hide his feelings. His explanations as to why have never made sense to me. He is am emotional island much of the time.

As for the stories, I was talking to him about our kid, not his childhood or mine. It's hard feeling like the special moments/stories of our children are something I can't share with him. I end up telling them to others, just to have someone to share them with. I so wish we were emotionally connected to our lives, but he is not. However, he is very afraid of our children being hurt and he hates being away from them, but I have had to push him to interact with them in ways other than accomplishing a task.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SurpriseMyself

Garrett said:


> This is only because he does not know the benefits of a diagnosis!
> 
> A diagnosis will help him understand WHY he does the things he does, and trust me, he wonders. And that, in itself, causes axiety and stress.....and we do not communicate anything well, let alone anxiety and stress!
> 
> I didn't like labels either. And I don't like allowing my Asperger's to define me. When I was told about it, I denied it. I quit seeing that doctor and went and saw another.....
> 
> The new doctor just told me the same thing. But being a Aspie, we are a stubborn folk.
> 
> Once he gets a diagnosis, you can figure things out like, over sensory issues. If he has over sensory issues (Which are a frikkin nightmare), and then you ask him to do something or have a conversation with him, his brain is already going 10000000000 times an hour and trying to process 100000000 things at once. That is stressful!
> 
> But you don't know that right now, and neither does he. If he did, he would be able to identify it, as well as you, and know why it is happening.
> 
> When a routine gets broken, that can cause HUGE stress and anxiety. And again, when regular life things come up, he may react in a negative way towards it because he is stressed out and his anxiety level is at 100 because one of his routines were thrown off.
> 
> But again, you don't know that right now, and neither does he.
> 
> A diagnosis will allow you both to understand WHY he does the things he does, and then you take it from there.
> 
> You cannot force him to get a diagnosis, but one thing about Aspies is that we cannot deny logic.
> 
> Present this logic to him and see what he says. Ask him what he has to lose? Sure, he will get a "label", but it is so much more than that!
> 
> It is an answer to your life! Take it from someone that went 38 years before getting a diagnosis!
> 
> He does have a big issue with broken routine. When he was single, he would go to he gym every day after work. He would mow his grass and wash his car on Saturday. His closet was more organized than mine ever was, and all the hangers were equally spaced finger width apart. His house was always neat- always. And he even labeled his CDs (remember those?) by artist name, had them alphabetized, and he even dated them. Can't recall what the date was, but it was either when he got them or when he album came out. That's why I thought OCD.
> 
> Let me know if I can help in any other way!


I just don't see how I can convince him to go. Everything you said makes sense, but he will just dismiss what I say or get defensive if push. I see no way to get him to a doctor about it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garrett

ebp123 said:


> I just don't see how I can convince him to go. Everything you said makes sense, but he will just dismiss what I say or get defensive if push. I see no way to get him to a doctor about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


1. Even if you tell him that he is damaging the marriage by not going?


2. Will he read a book on it at least?


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## SurpriseMyself

Garrett said:


> 1. Even if you tell him that he is damaging the marriage by not going?
> 
> 
> 2. Will he read a book on it at least?


Even if it is damaging our marriage. He would rather just keep going and let us both be miserable, which we are.

I could buy him a book but he won't read it, I suspect. He has pushed his issues very deep and I doubt he will ever have the courage to look at himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garrett

ebp123 said:


> Even if it is damaging our marriage. He would rather just keep going and let us both be miserable, which we are.
> 
> I could buy him a book but he won't read it, I suspect. He has pushed his issues very deep and I doubt he will ever have the courage to look at himself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're in a bad situation then. He has to want help to get help! I have been told that if someone really loves another person, there are ways that they can "get thru" to someone that is being stubborn or not doing what is best for themselves or their relationship.

But I have no experience with someone loving me, so I cannot assist you with that matter! I am sorry that you are going thru this situation. If I can help in any way, feel free to ask here or to PM, but your husband has to take that first step!


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## SurpriseMyself

Garrett said:


> You're in a bad situation then. He has to want help to get help! I have been told that if someone really loves another person, there are ways that they can "get thru" to someone that is being stubborn or not doing what is best for themselves or their relationship.
> 
> But I have no experience with someone loving me, so I cannot assist you with that matter! I am sorry that you are going thru this situation. If I can help in any way, feel free to ask here or to PM, but your husband has to take that first step!


My H would also say that he has no experience with someone loving him, although his mother loves him to death. I love him as he loves me; from afar. It didn't have to be this way; he made it this way. It was my mistake to think I could bring him out of his shell and lift him up. Instead, he brought me down. 

At this point, he knows i'm not in love with him and thus I have no way to "get through" to him. I'm really just curious at this point for our children. There are times that one of them is speaking to him and he just ignores them and starts talking to me. Or he will ask me what the kids want for dinner when they are sitting 10 feet away. I think I've said 100 times now, just ask them, that it doesn't make sense to ask me what someone else wants when they are right there. But he seems to see them as not people in some way... not sure I get why he does that.

Anyway... thanks for your responses. I won't be able to do more than speculate here, which is a waste of time if I can't do anything about it.


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## Big Mama

Can you explain to him that having the label of Aspergers is not a death sentence. 

When my son was diagnosed I explained it to him as a gift from god. Parts of that gift were not so great but other parts were a huge blessing. We could medicate certain parts but that would potentially medicate away parts of his gift. 

He wanted to know how was it a gift. I told him to take sports for example, he has a natural ability to do superhuman things (almost) with a ball. He thrives beyond belief at any sport involving a ball. 

I told him to take math for example. It just comes to him with an ease that can't be explained. Us non aspies would love to have just an ounce of his ability to work with numbers the way he can .That a is also a gift because he can help other who struggle with math at school. 

I told him to look at his organizational skills. HE never looses his homework and he is so driven. His 1/2 of the room is neat and orderly. When you look at his brothers half of the room looking is all you can do because if you tried to walk threw it you were risking breaking your legs for all the crap in the floor. 


My Hubby is highly, HIGHLY organized. He owns his own business and it takes the kind of organizational skills he has due to asperger's to run a business the way he does. 

When we turn in stuff to our CPA/Accountant he always tells my H, man I almost feel bad for charging you to do your taxes. Everything is so organized. 

So it really is not a death sentence. But if he is like my H, it doesn't matter, a label is a label .

Let me tell you how we got my H diagnosed. Maybe this could work for you, maybe not I don't know. Me and my H went to marriage counseling. Once the T found out that my son had aspergers. She informed me that it is hereditary. I obvious didn't have it. I had ADD so bad it wasn't funny but I didn't have Aspergers. She worked with my H and I and treated him as if he did have aspergers and gave me ways to cope and deal with him. Eventually when she was seeing my Husband alone she would give him questionnaires. Aspergers questionnaires. She did have to go over them with him, because the questionnaires dont make alot of since. they ask questions about feeling and perception which aspies are not always great at considering. But as time progressed he got everything answered. She did the necessary evaluations and eventually told him that he did have aspergers. Knowing how he disliked labels, she told him that she could give him her professional diagnosis or for $800 she could put it on a record and give him her official diagnosis. But he didn't have to go that route. That was enough to tell him yes he had it but also enough to help him avoid the feeling of having a label. Since she didn't put it in his medical record and never gave him an official diagnosis, just her professional opinion. 

After discussing that with me, she said he had accepted that this issues does exist. Now he has the ability to see that in our son and now he can see it within himself. 


It doesn't change things much. It is a great comfort for him to know he is often misunderstood and it is not his fault. It helps him to understand that others may take him wrong and he may need to step back and listen when others tell him things about what he said or did. They most likely are not making it up. 

I hope something in here has been helpful for you. I definitely feel for you. It is hard to live with someone who doesn't ant to get help regardless of what that might be, alcoholism, drug use, mental illness, or what ever it might be. I wish you the best of luck.


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## bandit.45

Big Mama I think we need to separate the Aspergers from the abusive behavior. 

First thing, you do not have to stay in a marriage where you are emotionally and verbally abused. You don't. Plain and simple. If your H is the ass you say he is, then you have every right to walk out the door. You are his wife and you are deserving of respect and love. 

What triggers him? Does he go off on you for no reason, or are there specific things you do that trigger his abuse? By the way I am in no way blaming you for anything. You could be the sweetest most accommodating wife in the world and still be doing things that trigger him.

Look into his past. Did his parents abuse him? Did they spoil him? Was he always the center of attention, or was he neglected? Something taught him to be the toxic husband that he is. The Aspergers didn't cause it, but the disorder definitely amplifies the nastiness.


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## Garrett

ebp123 said:


> My H would also say that he has no experience with someone loving him, although his mother loves him to death. I love him as he loves me; from afar. It didn't have to be this way; he made it this way. It was my mistake to think I could bring him out of his shell and lift him up. Instead, he brought me down.
> 
> At this point, he knows i'm not in love with him and thus I have no way to "get through" to him. I'm really just curious at this point for our children. There are times that one of them is speaking to him and he just ignores them and starts talking to me. Or he will ask me what the kids want for dinner when they are sitting 10 feet away. I think I've said 100 times now, just ask them, that it doesn't make sense to ask me what someone else wants when they are right there. But he seems to see them as not people in some way... not sure I get why he does that.
> 
> Anyway... thanks for your responses. I won't be able to do more than speculate here, which is a waste of time if I can't do anything about it.


Sounds like you do not understand a lot about Aspergers. Perhaps you would benefit from reading a book or two on it? The things you are describing to typical aspie behavior.


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## bandit.45

ebp123 said:


> My H would also say that he has no experience with someone loving him, although his mother loves him to death. I love him as he loves me; from afar. It didn't have to be this way; he made it this way. It was my mistake to think I could bring him out of his shell and lift him up. Instead, he brought me down.
> 
> At this point, he knows i'm not in love with him and thus I have no way to "get through" to him. I'm really just curious at this point for our children. There are times that one of them is speaking to him and he just ignores them and starts talking to me. Or he will ask I me what the kids want for dinner when they are sitting 10 feet away. I think I've said 100 times now, just ask them, that it doesn't make sense to ask me what someone else wants when they are right there. But he seems to see them as not people in some way... not sure I get why he does that.
> 
> Anyway... thanks for your responses. I won't be able to do more than speculate here, which is a waste of time if I can't do anything about it.


This isn't Aspergers. It could be personality disorder....

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) 
Schizotypal Personality Disorder 
Antisocial Personality Disorder 
Histrionic Personality Disorder
Avoidant Personality Disorder

The list goes on and on. 

Or, your husband could just be a d!ck.


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## Boxing judge

Stick it out with your husband, you are 40 and not a kid any more. 40 is not the time to be selfish, people are looking to get divorced for any reason these days.


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## SurpriseMyself

Boxing judge said:


> Stick it out with your husband, you are 40 and not a kid any more. 40 is not the time to be selfish, people are looking to get divorced for any reason these days.


Thanks for your opinion, but you've barely scratched the surface of what you know of me and my situation. Giving premature advice is more based on your own bias than my reality.


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## Big Mama

bandit.45 said:


> Big Mama I think we need to separate the Aspergers from the abusive behavior.
> 
> First thing, you do not have to stay in a marriage where you are emotionally and verbally abused. You don't. Plain and simple. If your H is the ass you say he is, then you have every right to walk out the door. You are his wife and you are deserving of respect and love.
> 
> What triggers him? Does he go off on you for no reason, or are there specific things you do that trigger his abuse? By the way I am in no way blaming you for anything. You could be the sweetest most accommodating wife in the world and still be doing things that trigger him.
> 
> What triggers him? A change in routine, to many things going on and not having closure fast enough. ex. A job that just drags on, or being involved with a committee that is close to an answer but not found it quite yet, waiting for anything. Waiting in line at the store, waiting for a waiter, waiting for people at eh salad bar to move, waiting in line to ride rides at theme parks. Which I must say theme parks are a nightmare for him. People, lines, heat, unclean sometimes, noise, lights. Yikes!!!
> 
> What triggers his abuse? Speaking. Having any belief other then his, protecting your self verbally, telling about your day, (because it is unimportant) Lack of order, lack of what he calls "Respect", (children are seen and not heard, and apparently wives to)
> 
> As long as I do what he says, never argue, never complain, never question his authority then we will be fine.
> 
> Look into his past. Did his parents abuse him? Did they spoil him? Was he always the center of attention, or was he neglected? Something taught him to be the toxic husband that he is. The Aspergers didn't cause it, but the disorder definitely amplifies the nastiness.



When it comes to his past, it wasn't that great. His dad was an alcoholic, his mom spent lots of time in a mental facility. His dad used to beat them when he was drunk, his mom went off the deem end and he woke up to find her standing over him with a knife. He has abandonment issues. He was given $ as a 12 yr old by his dad and told here raise your brothers till I come back and give you more money, I don;t know when that will be. So a 12 year old raised 8 year old twins for a year. Not knowing when his dad was gonna put the bottle down lo0ng enough to give him enough money to do the next month. He always tells me "He never wants the be the toxic man his dad was" but he is, and he knows that he is somewhat, but he is proud of himself for not beating us, coming home every day, and taking care of us better then his dad ever did him. And don;t get me wrong, that is good, but there is so much more to happiness and being a father then not beating your kids and providing them with food and clothes and a roof over there head. He still carried a lot of those toxic behaviors with him and feels the need to control everything. I get that I really do. You can;t just up and change how your past affected you. I know that better then anyone. I wish I could change how rape and CSA has changed my outlook on things. I can only do so much about it.


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## SurpriseMyself

bandit.45 said:


> This isn't Aspergers. It could be personality disorder....
> 
> Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
> Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
> Schizotypal Personality Disorder
> Antisocial Personality Disorder
> Histrionic Personality Disorder
> Avoidant Personality Disorder
> 
> The list goes on and on.
> 
> Or, your husband could just be a d!ck.


Lol. He doesn't do it to be a d-. He's just in his own head and clueless much of the time, or just focused on doing rather than people.


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## Big Mama

Quote:
Originally Posted by Boxing judge View Post
Stick it out with your husband, you are 40 and not a kid any more. 40 is not the time to be selfish, people are looking to get divorced for any reason these days. End Quote.




ebp123 said:


> Thanks for your opinion, but you've barely scratched the surface of what you know of me and my situation. Giving premature advice is more based on your own bias than my reality.


Ditto. I to am 40. You have no idea what I have ben threw wit hthis man. As much as it sucks this is the best it has been in a long time. If this is my life at it's best, then count me out. It has got to be better then this.

I'm 40. It is not the time to settle for what life has always offered, which is not to good. 40 is the new 20. There is still some life in this old dog. I have a lot of life to live. I don't want to spend any more of it miserable.


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## bandit.45

Big Mama said:


> Quote:
> Originally Posted by Boxing judge View Post
> Stick it out with your husband, you are 40 and not a kid any more. 40 is not the time to be selfish, people are looking to get divorced for any reason these days. End Quote.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ditto. I to am 40. You have no idea what I have ben threw wit hthis man. As much as it sucks this is the best it has been in a long time. If this is my life at it's best, then count me out. It has got to be better then this.
> 
> I'm 40. It is not the time to settle for what life has always offered, which is not to good. 40 is the new 20. There is still some life in this old dog. I have a lot of life to live. I don't want to spend any more of it miserable.


I don't blame you. We all have a right to happiness. Your H has spent your entire marriage being happy at your expense. 

Time to end it.


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## Big Mama

Bandit - Thank you. I just need to be heard and understood thats all. Some days that is enough to make me the happiest girl in the world.


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## SurpriseMyself

Big Mama said:


> Quote:
> Originally Posted by Boxing judge View Post
> Stick it out with your husband, you are 40 and not a kid any more. 40 is not the time to be selfish, people are looking to get divorced for any reason these days. End Quote.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ditto. I to am 40. You have no idea what I have ben threw wit hthis man. As much as it sucks this is the best it has been in a long time. If this is my life at it's best, then count me out. It has got to be better then this.
> 
> I'm 40. It is not the time to settle for what life has always offered, which is not to good. 40 is the new 20. There is still some life in this old dog. I have a lot of life to live. I don't want to spend any more of it miserable.


Can I ditto your ditto? And sorry to hijack your thread!


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## Big Mama

ebp - you didn't hijack it. We are all here to learn and share. If this thread opens to door to anyone learning, sharing, and expressing them selves, then that is great. I hope I learn something valuable from it and you to, as well as anyone else who is suffering, who is aspie and can share, or needs this thread. We are all here to help each other. 

 from one 40 year old chick to another


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## SurpriseMyself

Big Mama said:


> ebp - you didn't hijack it. We are all here to learn and share. If this thread opens to door to anyone learning, sharing, and expressing them selves, then that is great. I hope I learn something valuable from it and you to, as well as anyone else who is suffering, who is aspie and can share, or needs this thread. We are all here to help each other.
> 
> from one 40 year old chick to another


Thanks! I think you've got it worse than I do, and I hope you find a path. I've been stuck for many reasons and just biding my time until I get things lined up to leave.


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## bandit.45

Big Mama said:


> Bandit - Thank you. I just need to be heard and understood thats all. Some days that is enough to make me the happiest girl in the world.


Well you caught me on a good day. 

Normally I have very little patience for women who throw away their husbands and families due to having a MLC. But in your case you:

1). Were living in a miserable abusive relationship.
2). You communicated and made clear to your husband you were tired of his abuse and your relationship needed help. 
3). You and your husband attended counseling for the problems.
4). He continues on with his abusive, toxic behavior. 

In my opinion you have fought for the marriage but he has refused to alter his behaviors. I think you have done what you could to save the marriage and unfortunately he is not playing along. So in your case I think you are justified in pursuing D.


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## Big Mama

Bandit - I have been doing this 20 years. It there is no way to describe what has gone on in this relationship with out further tarnishing my H's image. Playing dirty involves dragging people threw the mud and I am not into that. Just know it has been a dirty nasty place to be mentally for me at his hands. 

I told the T a year ago or more, when she already thought I should leave, that if there was a shred of hope I had to stay. I couldn't walk away if I had just one reason to hold out hope. I could not live with my self knowing that it might have worked because we didn't exhaust every possible avenue. 

Now I can honestly say that I have no regrets, I have left no stone unturned. As far as I am concerned it is over. I do believe in keeping promises to people and to God. I made a promise, For better or for worse. This marriage is a lot worse then what I bargained for. For reasons other then aspergers. For the moment I am willing to try seperating to see how that changes things. I also believe that in this case my love for him is gone. But when people in foreign countries get married and learn to love total strangers, surely I can learn to love someone I once loved a,gain. So I don''t know what to do. I think I have given it my all in 20 years. If this is as good as it gets then I'm afraid I can no longer stick around for this. Who knows when or how I will do this .Who knows if we do seperate if I will return to him in 6 months. It is just hard to say.


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## AVR1962

After reading a book about asperger's on the suggestion that my husband might be, I then went to my counselor who brought out his book and we went thru all the symptoms one by one. My counselor's conclusion w/o meeting husband was that he coudl be a high functioning aspy. I have been thru hell literally and not just about the awkward words. He says some real weird things from time to time which I have learned to ignore.

My question to you, as I have not put this all together, is does he have strange habits? My husband picks up all these really weird habits. We were at a wine tasting just recently and the man giving the tasting had a unique way of twirling the glass to see the legs of wine. As soon as this man did this I knew I was doomed to my husband picking up a new habit. It is absolutely irritating! He will start by scratching his ear, the go to scratching his chest or scalp, to twirling his ankle, crossing his legs, uncrossing his legs, folding his arm, unfolding his arms, picking his nose.....just a constant fidget. perhaps this doesn't fit in with the aspy, like I said I have not figured it all out.

Husband then does weird stuff like thinking he can dig a hole in the yard and that's going to create drainage for run off water, an empty hole....where is the logic? or he will try to rig up pullies to store things on the roof of the garage but then can't figure out the pully system. It drives me nuts! I'll tell him before hand that whatever is not going to work but he is set and he tries and then finds out it's not going to work.

No intimacy, he is geeky and awkward. He's the type that lusted after girls as a young person but didn't initiate and that remained. He is plenty lusty and has these silent moments of glory fantasizing about some girl he sees but he cannot even initiate sex with his wife. Again, perhaps not typically aspy, I just don't know.


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## Garrett

Look, all I am going to say is that Asperger's Syndrome is a *"spectrum disorder".*
Please look that up if you do not know what that means. 

There is a saying, "if you met one aspie, then you've met one aspie."

There is no one way of knowing when/if someone has Asperger's Syndrome except by the diagnosis of a trained professional.

Look at me? I am completely different than most people with Asperger's. But I got it!!!!


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## lifeistooshort

Boxing judge said:


> Stick it out with your husband, you are 40 and not a kid any more. 40 is not the time to be selfish, people are looking to get divorced for any reason these days.


Says the guy who idolizes his mother for taking abuse from his father with a smile on her face. Wifey should always know her place.


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## lifeistooshort

Big Mama said:


> Quote:
> Originally Posted by Boxing judge View Post
> Stick it out with your husband, you are 40 and not a kid any more. 40 is not the time to be selfish, people are looking to get divorced for any reason these days. End Quote.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ditto. I to am 40. You have no idea what I have ben threw wit hthis man. As much as it sucks this is the best it has been in a long time. If this is my life at it's best, then count me out. It has got to be better then this.
> 
> I'm 40. It is not the time to settle for what life has always offered, which is not to good. 40 is the new 20. There is still some life in this old dog. I have a lot of life to live. I don't want to spend any more of it miserable.



Hon, neither you or ebp should expend any energy explaining anything to this guy. He has a very poor view of women and thinks we should all know our place, which is far beneath men.


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## lifeistooshort

Big Mama said:


> ebp - you didn't hijack it. We are all here to learn and share. If this thread opens to door to anyone learning, sharing, and expressing them selves, then that is great. I hope I learn something valuable from it and you to, as well as anyone else who is suffering, who is aspie and can share, or needs this thread. We are all here to help each other.
> 
> from one 40 year old chick to another


BTW: I'm a 40 year old chick too. Life really is too damn short to live in misery; my ex hb was a d!ck and I divorced him. I'm much happier now, I'm remarried and he's still single. He's met some women but nobody wants to keep him because nobody agrees with him that women are beneath him. Hard to believe I know.


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