# Next Step - Help



## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

My head is really swimming and I'm posting here to hopefully get some insight but also to clear my head. I'm a newly wed with a jealous streak in me. Without going into too much detail, about 2 weeks ago my wife met a guy that I felt jealous of. I spent the better time of that 2 weeks convincing myself I was paranoid, and working on my issue. I haven't felt jealous with her in many years so it bothered me that it was resurfacing and that I was being paranoid. She even told me I was acting jealous and it was no big deal, but I couldn't get it out of my head.

Recently she came to me confessing everything. Here's my real issue. Long story short she actively pursuited him, and he of course was in to it. She went to his place one night during a "girls night out" to talk to him and he tried to kiss her. She reacted on instinct saying no, and realized it was a bad idea and left. 

Here's the thing about this, if this is where it had ended I would have felt bad but I would have felt it was something we could work through. The problem this isn't where it ends. She continues to text him and makes plans with him to see him saturday night. She lies to me and tells me she's picking up an extra shift where she works and plans to go out and see him. The kicker is this, he turns her down because he respects marriage and according to him this was really out of character for him and he cuts her off. 

She tells me the reason she wanted to see him again was because she feels like we got together early, and she has been having doubts on wether or not we really are good together because neither one of us really got into serious relationships before marrying each other. She said she wanted to "get it out of her system" and that she knew that was selfish and inexcusable but that's how she felt.

The reason I know all this in such detail is because she came clean to me, with shocking transparency. She told me every single detail, and let me read every single text message.

That tells me that she wants to work on us, but I don't know if I can. I want to, I love her, and I feel like it's the least I owe her because she was SO honest with me. I don't know how I'm going to be able to stay in a marriage, though, where I seriously doubt I'll ever 100% trust her again. Also, if he hadn't cut her off she would still be seeing him. She's confirmed that. 

On top of that, she has no remorse. She says she wishes it didn't happen, but it's hard to feel bad about something that made her feel so happy.

Before this happened, we were happy more or less. She had been saying about a week before this that she was feeling emotionally distant from me, so I started cancelling classes to spend more time with her, cancelling lunch plans, and even planning some dates (which admittedly we haven't done in 2-3 months). 

My big question is how is our marriage going to work if she has no remorse about this and I don't know if I can ever trust her again? I mean I know I should because of how clean she came with me, but really all it did was show me just how calculating and manipulative she could be at the first sign of someone with a great body. I mean we've only been married for 5 months, and she already almost cheated on me. In fact, the only reason she didn't is because HE took the moral high ground. If this is what's going to happen every time something bothers her, or I get busy with work I just don't know if I can deal.

A divorce seems really extreme, especially considering how long we've been together. Maybe we could do counciling but how good is a marriage that needs counciling this early? 

To any who read this, thanks. I just needed to clear my head... I'm too jealous and petty and it was something I was working on but now it's back in force and all those years of trust we've built are gone. I don't know if I can do this again. Any thoughts?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Consider yourself lucky that you caught this early on. File for an annulment. Get out now.

Sorry


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

The thought has crossed both our minds. I feel like I wouldn't be doing her justice if I didn't also mention this, which is a huge factor:

She has a medical condition that has prevented us from having sex for 2-3 years (we've been together for 6). She gets severe pain, and doctors can't figure out what's wrong. We recently got the health care that allows us for her to see doctors. They're working on figuring it out what it is.

Do we owe it to each other to give it time for doctors to figure it out? Or is that totally irrelivent?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Consider yourself lucky that you caught this early on. File for an annulment. Get out now.
> 
> Sorry


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Chances are that it was full blown sex and not the trickle truth of 'only a kiss'.

She wants a one sided open marriage. You can either let her go and file for divorce or start to develop a taste for sloppy seconds as a cuckold husband. Your choice.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

Well, wether or not it makes me naive I believe that they didn't do anything. Not to mention, because of her condition I know they didn't sleep together. She also says very adamently that she never wanted to have sex with him she just wanted to feel close with him.

I also know they didn't have sex because I read the text messages, and right after he tries to kiss her and she rejects him they talk about it, and eventually he ends it before they "do something they will both most definitely regret."

Which of course makes me feel like she isn't close with me, but when I tried to work on it this is what happened so I don't know.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

You need to walk away.
Now.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ok let us say for the sake of argument that you are right and that the two of them didn't have sexual intercourse. Nevertheless, if you choose to remain married to her, consider monitoring her conversations, emails and text messages. Chances are that there may be more going on than what she has lead you to believe.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

Is it fair to punish her like that for being so honest with me? What about working on a marriage? What about marriage counciling?

By the way, thank you for this. I've been having this arguement with myself it's incredibly helpful to have a 3rd party to talk about this with.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

morituri said:


> Ok let us say for the sake of argument that you are right and that the two of them didn't have sexual intercourse. Nevertheless, if you choose to remain married to her, consider monitoring her conversations, emails and text messages. Chances are that there may be more going on than what she has lead you to believe.


Believe me I'm neurotic enough to be thinking that a million times over. Can a marriage function like that? How is it supposed to work with me constantly doubting her and watching her like a hawk?

I'm not even sure I want a marriage like that.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

What's punishing?
She has put her interests over yours without regard for your feelings.
You have the right to make desicions on your life. And if that means removing her from your life then it's a natural consequence of her actions.
By all means, try councelling and work on your marriage if that's what you BOTH want to do.
But take care of yourself.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Despite the appearence the the advice to walk away seems harsh and simplistic, it is in fact the best advice when the cheating spouse shows no remorse. See, the no remorse is a window into her values and character. She is showing you who she really is.
The cheating, while a dealbreaker for many, is not the critical factor re the prospects of reconciliation, IMO. It is the cheater's reaction that , in many cases, is determinative.
You have a wife with very different values in this are, fidleity. Youhave a wife who lacks empathy and integrity. These qulaities would have been there, by now as an adult, if she was ever going to develop them(think Michael Vick really has compasion for animals).


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Why do you want to stay in a marriage where what is supposed to be some of the best years of marriage is already in the toilet? 

There are so many things that are wrong in your original post, it makes no sense to me why you are still together. She obviously still wants to play, despite her "condition". 

Face the reality, or take off your man jewels and put them in a shoebox under the bed if you like being played as the fool.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Marital recovery is impossible if there is no commitment on her part to end all contact with the OM FOREVER. NC (no contact) must come FIRST.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The thing is, her medical condition could be screwing up her mental conditon. Why were you jealous in the past ? Has she been 100% faithful to you for the whole 6 years?

He may have cut it off because she couldn't have sex.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

chapparal said:


> The thing is, her medical condition could be screwing up her mental conditon. Why were you jealous in the past ? Has she been 100% faithful to you for the whole 6 years?
> 
> He may have cut it off because she couldn't have sex.


It's certainly something that I've been thinking about, her mental condition.

Yes she's been faithful. This actually is really unlike her, although I know no one here will believe me. She's always been very adament about how strongly she feels about what marriage is and what it means.

That's a possibility I've considered, but from what I've read I don't think he knows that she can't have sex. I was really surprised about the guy too, to be totally honest. He used to strike me as a really stand up guy.

The other thing is depression runs in her family. Or maybe I'm just making excuses for her. I feel like the correct course of action might be to do counciling with both eyes open and ready for an anullment. Seems like the responsible thing to do but it bothers me the fact that it degraded this fast over a six pack.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

As silly as this sounds, be grateful this happened now. It's obviously who she really is, you don't need to make excuses for her. 

If you have kids with her, you'll get the pleasure of having a custody battle down the line with her once she dates other men again.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Wow, so help me understand this. Your wife cheats on you (it doesn't matter if she kissed him or gave him head) and your natural conclusion, because the remorseless skank told you the truth about cheating on you, that you should just rug sweep this, this once. So you ask "if its fair to punish he for being honest?" What a cognitive disconnect that statement is. First you wouldn't be punishing her. The whole subject has nothing to do with her being honest NOW! She cheated. Dump her because you can't trust her. Hell if you want buy her a dozen roses with the divorce papers in them, saying thank you for being an honest, faithless, cheating, un-remorsefull tramp. Cut her off.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> Wow, so help me understand this. Your wife cheats on you (it doesn't matter if she kissed him or gave him head) and your natural conclusion, because the remorseless skank told you the truth about cheating on you, that you should just rug sweep this, this once. So you ask "if its fair to punish he for being honest?" What a cognitive disconnect that statement is. First you wouldn't be punishing her. The whole subject has nothing to do with her being honest NOW! She cheated. Dump her because you can't trust her. Hell if you want buy her a dozen roses with the divorce papers in them, saying thank you for being an honest, faithless, cheating, un-remorsefull tramp. Cut her off.


She didn't actually do anything though. I believe her. Maybe I shouldn't, but I feel like she's been incredibly honest with me in an effort to make this right.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

geenidee said:


> She didn't actually do anything though. I believe her. Maybe I shouldn't, but I feel like she's been incredibly honest with me in an effort to make this right.


You do realize that she was dating another man, right? And the only reason "she didn't do anything" is he got scared and bolted?

She's not exactly a Nun in this story.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

geenidee said:


> She didn't actually do anything though. I believe her. Maybe I shouldn't, but I feel like she's been incredibly honest with me in an effort to make this right.


Well, I thought she kissed him , texted him , pursued him. Where do you come up with her not having done anything> That is callled cheating.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Well, I thought she kissed him , texted him , pursued him. Where do you come up with her not having done anything> That is callled cheating.


She's not a nun. By any stretch of the imagination. I wouldn't be posting here if I thought she did nothing wrong. 

She didn't kiss him. Maybe that's worth something, I do however believe she would have if he hadn't ran.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm going to put a gun to your head and demand all of your money, but I'm not robbing you. Trust me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are not punishing her, you are setting her free to be single like sheis already acting.

Basically she came clean, and asked you for permission to cheat. To pursue other men, and be single all with hobbies blessing. She is asking you to be a willing cuckold.

The getting out of her systems utter crap. She is wanting to cheat and is saying that eventually she will tire of being single, of relationships with other men,and attention from other men.

That you her husband should wait happily while she plays the field.

Why the heck did this girl get married?

Run away and get her gone from your life ASAP. She has already actively been trying to cheat,and now actually thinks her husband should become a willing cuckold. OMG is she just stupid, or insane?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

geenidee said:


> She didn't actually do anything though. I believe her. Maybe I shouldn't, but I feel like she's been incredibly honest with me in an effort to make this right.


Yes she did. She pursued another man. She offered herself to him willingly. It doesn't matter if he accepted or not. She grossly crossed the line of being a wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You are not punishing her, you are setting her free to be single like sheis already acting.
> 
> Basically she came clean, and asked you for permission to cheat. To pursue other men, and be single all with hobbies blessing. She is asking you to be a willing cuckold.
> 
> ...



:iagree:

Do what you feel is best, but my God is this a trainwreck waiting to happen.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You are not punishing her, you are setting her free to be single like sheis already acting.
> 
> Basically she came clean, and asked you for permission to cheat. To pursue other men, and be single all with hobbies blessing. She is asking you to be a willing cuckold.
> 
> ...


She isn't asking my permission, she was telling me why she did what she did. Maybe I wasn't clear on that point. She's not asking me permission to see other men, if she was that would be it I'd be at court not here.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I starting to think you are a troll. No man couldn't defend his wife's obvious and self admitted pursuit of other men to cheat with, and do so with such naivety as you are here. The situation in clearly black and white, she wants to cheat, she as actively tired to cheat. The OP is calling himself jealous as if he is being unreasonable.

I call troll.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

What I don't understand is why she's pursuing another man when, according to you, she cant have sex?

And you haven't had sex for 2-3 years? Yet she's able or deeply wants to have intimacy with another man?

But just not with you?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

geenidee said:


> She isn't asking my permission, she was telling me why she did what she did. Maybe I wasn't clear on that point. She's not asking me permission to see other men, if she was that would be it I'd be at court not here.


Really? Then why yen why do you suggest divorcing her for doing her very best to hunt down a guy to cheat with, going out with him with the intent to cheat etc, is some how punishing her even though she came clean about just how much she went through to betray her vows?

Do you let the bank robber go if they admit to the crime?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I starting to think you are a troll. No man couldn't defend his wife's obvious and self admitted pursuit of other men to cheat with, and do so with such naivety as you are here. The situation in clearly black and white, she wants to cheat, she as actively tired to cheat. The OP is calling himself jealous as if he is being unreasonable.
> 
> I call troll.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can see why you might think that. Honestly, I wouldn't have thought there would be trolls on a forum like this. I thought that was just saved for video game forums.

I'm just really, really conflicted. So yeah I'm probably not making much sense. This happened 2 days ago and it's kind of a big deal. I'm trying to play devil's advocate with every post because it's helping me clarify how I feel.

I feel like there's a lot of saving grace in her coming to me about this. I think I want to work on it, but ready for all options while we do. I'm glad something like this is out here because it really is doing a lot of good for me right now. 

I've thought about everything you guys are saying right now a million times over, it's just good to hear someone else say it.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Really? Then why yen why do you suggest divorcing her for doing her very best to hunt down a guy to cheat with, going out with him with the intent to cheat etc, is some how punishing her even though she came clean about just how much she went through to betray her vows?
> 
> Do you let the bank robber go if they admit to the crime?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To follow your analogy, do you arrest the bank robber if he drove up to the bank with a ski mask, sat outside the bank, drives away and then confesses the whole thing to law enforcement?


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Maybe.But, some of these betrayed folks, in the early stages are so traumatized they latch onto anything for hope, as they fear the demise of their marriage so much.
There are few guys on here that just cannot accept what has happened, at least until it keeps happening and they finally wake up.
This young guy, if he is real, will ,one day, look back on his posts here and be embarrased at how much denial he demonstrates. But, a lot of us did this, earlyon.

I must confess, after reading mXW's journal entry, where she expressed her desire to "stop having sex with strangers", i stayed for two years and never confronted. I convinced myself that what i read was merely a fantasy that she had, despite the fact that it was quite clear andcfantasy was never mentioned. I was the poster boy for being a doormat/*****.

It is sad, but amazing, what lenghts or minds go to to "protect" us from what we do not want to face.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

aug said:


> What I don't understand is why she's pursuing another man when, according to you, she cant have sex?
> 
> And you haven't had sex for 2-3 years? Yet she's able or deeply wants to have intimacy with another man?
> 
> But just not with you?


You got me there. I believe her whens he says she wouldn't have done anything more than kissed him. And when he tried to kiss her she said no. Maybe that's good for something.

I feel like the good intention of her saying no is completely erased by the fact that she kept trying to see him though.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Honestly, a really good trait she could have shown is not doing this in the first place. 

I'm glad she was honest with you about dating another man, but I can't imagine how that can be acceptable to any man.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

geenidee said:


> That's a possibility I've considered, but from what I've read I don't think he knows that she can't have sex. I was really surprised about the guy too, to be totally honest. He used to strike me as a really stand up guy.





> The kicker is this, he turns her down because he respects marriage and according to him this was really out of character for him and he cuts her off.



So, the OM didn't have sex with your wife? And he probably turn her down (or dumped her) because his morals did kick in.

And she comes running back to you.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Maybe.But, some of these betrayed folks, in the early stages are so traumatized they latch onto anything for hope, as they fear the demise of their marriage so much.
> There are few guys on here that just cannot accept what has happened, at least until it keeps happening and they finally wake up.
> This young guy, if he is real, will ,one day, look back on his posts here and be embarrased at how much denial he demonstrates. But, a lot of us did this, earlyon.
> 
> ...


Is that not normal? Wanting to have sex with strangers? Seems to me like that's pretty genetic and primal. I mean, hell, I still want to have sex with strangers. I'm not a machine. The difference is I don't put myself in the situations to let it happen. Should you just assume because your spouse is attracted to other beings that your marriage is destined to fail? If that's the case, I don't think I can ever be married because I'll always want to have sex with strangers, I'm sure of it.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You have been married only 5 months.

You haven't had sex for 3 years.

So, the marriage has not been consummated.


Note:
You should be in your honeymoon stage of your marriage. Your wife should not be thinking and obsessing about another man so early in your marriage.

But she is.

The betrayal has already begun. She has opened that door in her mind that allows her to cheat on you. She has a high probability of cheating on you in the future.


The good thing is you're only 5 months into an unconsummated marriage. Get the marriage annulled or divorce her.

Run, run, run away fast.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

geenidee said:


> To follow your analogy, do you arrest the bank robber if he drove up to the bank with a ski mask, sat outside the bank, drives away and then confesses the whole thing to law enforcement?


C'mon.You can see the distinction in the analogy. Know anything about conspiracy theory. One is guilty if some action in furtherance of he conspiracy is taken. Driving to the bank and sitting outside, contemplating action is not taking action.
Trying to kiss someone, texting them, hitting on them is.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look, if she is doing this just 5 months in, there isn't any hope. Her complete lack of remorse shows that. It's like she doesn't have even a basic understanding of normal morals. There is something seriously missing in her that should would do what she has done. 

Eject her now. Any woman who would do this 5 months into a marriage will do much worse down the line. Do not have kids with her.

I know when you are young there is a sense of optimism that it will all work out, but while I remain an optimist I have learned through experience that the people you surround yourself with, their goals, and their values, and the choices they make influence the outcome. She has come clean and without remorse told you that she has and wants to cheat on you. Listen to ths, because it is coming from her values, in that she doesn't see a problem with doing that. 

There is an old truism, that you can't change others, you can only change how you react to them.

She is a remorseless eager cheat. You can't change that. But you can change your reaction to it, previously you trusted her and were married to her. You can now annul the marriage and move on to a better partner in life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

geenidee said:


> Is that not normal? Wanting to have sex with strangers? Seems to me like that's pretty genetic and primal. I mean, hell, I still want to have sex with strangers. I'm not a machine. The difference is I don't put myself in the situations to let it happen. Should you just assume because your spouse is attracted to other beings that your marriage is destined to fail? If that's the case, I don't think I can ever be married because I'll always want to have sex with strangers, I'm sure of it.


Eh, the exact quote was that she "wanted to stop HAVING sex with strangers". See the distinction?


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

Arnold said:


> C'mon.You can see the distinction in the analogy. Know anything about conspiracy theory. One is guilty if some action in furtherance of he conspiracy is taken. Driving to the bank and sitting outside, contemplating action is not taking action.
> Trying to kiss someone, texting them, hitting on them is.


Just to be clear she didn't try to kiss him. At least not yet. Your point stands though.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I think about how other women would be sexually. A lot of men do. I assume it's the same in reverse. 

The difference from what your wife did to what an adult who is married should do is we don't persue women/men and meet up with them to "explore my feelings".


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

geenidee said:


> To follow your analogy, do you arrest the bank robber if he drove up to the bank with a ski mask, sat outside the bank, drives away and then confesses the whole thing to law enforcement?


Actually your wife walked into the bank, handed them a note. She just didn't leave with the money.

It's one thing to see another person, and think hey they are attractive. Your wife is way beyond having a thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Eh, the exact quote was that she "wanted to stop HAVING sex with strangers". See the distinction?


Oh, yeah, I misunderstood. In this case, my wife hasn't done anything yet, and I'm more inclined to work with her on it. I guess. I feel like **** about it, obviously like anyone would, but I can empathise because I've had similar feelings with other women. I don't know maybe I am being a door mat.

Just to be clear, if she had actually done anything I wouldn't be talking to you guys I'd be getting an anullment.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

geenidee said:


> Just to be clear, if she had actually done anything I wouldn't be talking to you guys I'd be getting an anullment.



Actually from what you've written, you only know what happened from what she showed you. 

Have you been able to verify via another source?

Is the OM married? Has girlfriend?


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

geenidee said:


> Oh, yeah, I misunderstood. In this case, my wife hasn't done anything yet, and I'm more inclined to work with her on it. I guess. I feel like **** about it, obviously like anyone would, but I can empathise because I've had similar feelings with other women. I don't know maybe I am being a door mat.
> 
> Just to be clear, if she had actually done anything I wouldn't be talking to you guys I'd be getting an anullment.


The problem is not that you want to work things out.The problem is she has no remorse.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

geenidee said:


> Just to be clear, if she had actually done anything I wouldn't be talking to you guys I'd be getting an anullment.


No.
I really think you would be talking to us still, only this time your doubts and concerns would have been clarified.

I always said if my wife cheated that's it.
Yet here I am 6 months on, doing all I can to make it work for the sake of myself and my 4 kids.
We don't truly know what we'd do until it happens.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

aug said:


> Actually from what you've written, you only know what happened from what she showed you.
> 
> Have you been able to verify via another source?
> 
> Is the OM married? Has girlfriend?


The Other Man (I'm assuming you mean) was single but when he cut it off with my wife, he started dating someone. According to his text messages in an effort to close the door on her more.

That is true, I only know what happened from what she has showed me. But I honestly have no reason to believe she's lieing to me. I mean I have a reason to, obviously, but I don't think she is because the text messages she showed me were pretty enraging. If she was going to lie to me I don't think she would have been that transparent. I'll never know for sure though, you're right.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> No.
> I really think you would be talking to us still, only this time your doubts and concerns would have been clarified.
> 
> I always said if my wife cheated that's it.
> ...


Well that's true. Knowing myself though, I'm a pretty petty and jealous person. I don't think I could handle being with her after she was with someone else. Maybe I'd try to make it work for a couple months, maybe you're right. In the end though it would be over.

Maybe that's what's happening here and I'm just too naive. I hope not.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Having sex with someone is a big bonding action that you have not been accomplishing. Why has it taken so long to try and get this fixed. Why would you marry someone who can't have sex? She used to have sex, when did the sex become so painful? Did you ever actually have a good sex life?

I saw this problem on TV not to long ago. It took a long time to resolve because of one bad diagnosis after another, until the woman found a doctor that specialized in this condition.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

geenidee said:


> Well that's true. Knowing myself though, I'm a pretty petty and jealous person. I don't think I could handle being with her after she was with someone else. Maybe I'd try to make it work for a couple months, maybe you're right. In the end though it would be over.
> 
> Maybe that's what's happening here and I'm just too naive. I hope not.


In the vast majority of cases, the relationship ends after infidelity. 
If you had kids , I'd say battle for the marriage if you want. But, I if I was your age, I think I get out and look for a more trustworthy partner.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Having sex with someone is a big bonding action that you have not been accomplishing. Why has it taken so long to try and get this fixed. Why would you marry someone who can't have sex? She used to have sex, when did the sex become so painful? Did you ever actually have a good sex life.
> 
> I saw this problem on TV not to long ago. It took a long time to resolve because of one bad diagnosis after another, until the woman found a doctor that specialized in this condition.


I agree, and I think it's an important factor to consider. To answer your questions:

I married her because I love her and I feel like eventually we can get this fixed.

She used to have sex with me (I was her first, which might also be why this is happening. Not like that justifies it or anything) but around 2 years into our relationship she started to get irritated and thought it was a yeast infection. It got worse and worse and never went away.

The primary reason it's taking so long is we didn't have the money to keep taking her to the doctor. I have a great healthcare plan now and we can afford it so about a month ago she started seeing the doctor again. They've been eliminating things it could be but don't know what the problem is yet.

Do you have any information on that TV show? Anything would be incredibly helpful.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

Arnold said:


> In the vast majority of cases, the relationship ends after infidelity.
> If you had kids , I'd say battle for the marriage if you want. But, I if I was your age, I think I get out and look for a more trustworthy partner.


I think that's totally right about relationships ending after infidelity. And if they don't, they're almost always bad ones.

The difference, to me, is that she didn't ACTUALLY do anything and in an effort to make things right she gave me total transparency. She's even mentioned if I wanted she'd be OK with installing a tracker on her phone so I could look up where she is.

Obviously, I don't want to be that kind of man or even in that kind of a relationship. If I ever felt like I had to do that I'd probably just want a divorce. I just appreciate the gesture is all. I really feel like she's trying and it's not right from me to walk away from that.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

geenidee said:


> To follow your analogy, do you arrest the bank robber if he drove up to the bank with a ski mask, sat outside the bank, drives away and then confesses the whole thing to law enforcement?


yes, it's called conspiracy to commit armed robbery and it's a crime that can be punished just as harsh as the real thing


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> yes, it's called conspiracy to commit armed robbery and it's a crime that can be punished just as harsh as the real thing


:iagree:

I had thought about that. I think that conspiracy to commit though gets a reduced sentence. That's where I was going with that. Especially if you turn yourself in.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

geen, if you said your wife stopped herself, confessed and did everything to show remorse then I would be all for giving R a shot. But she isn't and continued to pursue him.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

Yeah. It's especially troubling that this happened so soon after we got married. I need to think that's for sure. Thanks everyone.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Fortunately the guy she persued had enough moral character to put her marriage before his lust. 

I'd be willing to venture not all the men she'll persue in the future will be so moral.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> Fortunately the guy she persued had enough moral character to put her marriage before his lust.
> 
> I'd be willing to venture not all the men she'll persue in the future will be so moral.


I haven't stopped thinking about that, believe me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

geenidee said:


> I agree, and I think it's an important factor to consider. To answer your questions:
> 
> I married her because I love her and I feel like eventually we can get this fixed.
> 
> ...


I assume you have googled this. No, I remember it was early in the summer. Whatever the problem was it was fairly simple to fix. It just turned out she went to the right doctor. The doctor had no trouble finding and fixing the problem that had gone on for years.

In googling this I saw where there are places that specialize in this as opposed to MDs or obgyns.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

Yeah, we've been looking into it for a while now. Every once in a while we come across something that sounds like it might be the problem but then the doctors rule it out. I'll look around some more thanks for the info.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Does this condition also preclude oral sex


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

No, we can do that just fine.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

geenidee said:


> No, we can do that just fine.


LOL well, thats great news anyway.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There is actually a pelvic pain center in Louisville. Maybe there is one in your area. Is this the kind of doctors your wife is going to? Are there any circumstances when she can have sex?

Pelvic Pain Regional Specialty Center : Pelvic Pain Treatment


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Gee---you just don't get it do you

Just cuz your wife didn't get physical DOES NOT MEAN SHE DIDN'T CHEAT AND BREAK HER VOWS

She went there to be with him---THAT'S ALL YOU NEED---YOU DO NOT NEED ONE THING MORE---she has cheated---she put you her H., in 2nd place, she "dissed" you, she made you out to be worthless to her for that period of time!!!!!

Obviously what you do about it is up to you---but if this isn't handled, properly and very strongly, and you do decide to stay---SHE WILL DO THIS AGAIN, knowing she can get away with it again


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I am so sorry you are here.. I get the impreesion you have been together longer than two weeks?



> I spent the better time of that 2 weeks convincing myself I was paranoid, and working on my issue. I haven't felt jealous with her in many years so it bothered me that it was resurfacing and that I was being paranoid. She even told me I was acting jealous and it was no big deal, but I couldn't get it out of my head.


That is gas lighting. Making you feel like you are being controlling, paranoid and jealous. Look it up



> Recently she came to me confessing everything. Here's my real issue. Long story short she actively pursuited him, and he of course was in to it.
> She went to his place one night during a "girls night out" to talk to him and he tried to kiss her. She reacted on instinct saying no, and realized it was a bad idea and left.


She almost certainly did more than kiss. It is part of the trickle truth you will get. Expect to find out that this has been going on for some time and that they had sex. 



> She continues to text him and makes plans with him to see him saturday night. She lies to me and tells me she's picking up an extra shift where she works and plans to go out and see him.


Ow. She is in full FOG mode. She is lying to you and fixing up to have sex with the guy.



> The kicker is this, he turns her down because he respects marriage and according to him this was really out of character for him and he cuts her off.


This may be him gaslighting you to throw you off the scent. Don't believe him.



> She tells me the reason she wanted to see him again was because she feels like we got together early, and she has been having doubts on wether or not we really are good together because neither one of us really got into serious relationships before marrying each other. She said she wanted to "get it out of her system" and that she knew that was selfish and inexcusable but that's how she felt.


She is right about Selfish. You deserve better than this. 



> The reason I know all this in such detail is because she came clean to me, with shocking transparency. She told me every single detail, and let me read every single text message.


I doubt she told you half of it. It will be sanitized and minimized. 



> That tells me that she wants to work on us, but I don't know if I can. I want to, I love her, and I feel like it's the least I owe her because she was SO honest with me. I don't know how I'm going to be able to stay in a marriage, though, where I seriously doubt I'll ever 100% trust her again. *Also, if he hadn't cut her off she would still be seeing him.* She's confirmed that.


FFS. She just told you that you are the backup guy! 
How long before she finds another guy? how do you feel being told by your wife..
"Really H I want you for my emotional support and helping with me stuff but I'm going to go an bang this guy senseless! "



> On top of that, she has no remorse. She says she wishes it didn't happen, but it's hard to feel bad about something that made her feel so happy.


No remorse. NO marriage 



> My big question is how is our marriage going to work if she has no remorse about this


It won't. She needs o accept that the ball is in your court now. While there is no remorse you can not proceed. Start the separation process. 



> and I don't know if I can ever trust her again?


Right now. You can't trust her at all. While her lips are moving. She is lying.



> I mean I know I should because of how clean she came with me, but really all it did was show me just how calculating and manipulative she could be at the first sign of someone with a great body. I mean we've only been married for 5 months, and she already *almost cheated on me*


.

She has already cheated on you. She is treating you with contempt.
She is treating you like a doormat. 



> A divorce seems really extreme, especially considering how long we've been together. Maybe we could do counciling but how good is a marriage that needs counciling this early?


No MC until FULL No Contact with the OM and she starts withdrawing from all those lovely endorphin's running around her body. 



> I'm too jealous and petty and it was something I was working on but now it's back in force and all those years of trust we've built are gone. I don't know if I can do this again. Any thoughts?


It is not jealous and petty to be betrayed. 
It is not jealous and petty to expect this woman you just married to respect you.
It is not petty to feel how you feel.

You need to go MAN UP. stop being the nice guy. She has zero respect for you. 
Get angry. Do something. You are in denial.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> yes, it's called conspiracy to commit armed robbery and it's a crime that can be punished just as harsh as the real thing


I don't think so. I think he has to take at least one more active step(like this woman did in pursuing the guy).


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Just wait, The mind games never stop. You and her have a nice day and then the phone rings. She says it is her girl friend. She needs some help. She leaves for 2 hours, comes back. Later on you go under the sheets. She says, no. You push a little, and she says ok. Whats that strange taste you ask yourself. You never get over it. The mind games never stop `HAVE A LITTLE TRUST IN YOUR SELF, YOU ARE RIGHT!!!!! ( YOU NEVER / EVER GET OVER IT..... ) OK, yes it sucks, life does go on. You will find someone else, who will love you and not try to sample a party plater, every month.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Listen to ING, he has nailed it.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

Let's assume your wife is telling the truth. That would normally be good, but consider what the truth is.

The truth is she wants to cheat on you. The truth is she has been already made solid efforts to cheat on you. And the truth is she is still actively attempting to cheat on you. One day she'll succeed.

Only two things are stopping her from going all out:

1. The morals of the OM. That won't last. Either he'll break, or she'll find someone with fewer scruples.

2. The fact that she physically can't have intercourse. But one day your doctors will find out how to fix this, and with the help of your medical benefits she will finally have sex. With someone else. In the meantime, she has no trouble with oral.

After only a few months.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

geenidee said:


> 1) She continues to text him and makes plans with him to see him saturday night. She lies to me and tells me she's picking up an extra shift where she works and plans to go out and see him. The kicker is this, *he turns her down* because he respects marriage and according to him this was really out of character for him and he cuts her off.
> 
> 2) She tells me the reason she wanted to see him again was because she feels like we got together early, and she has been having doubts on wether or not we really are good together because neither one of us really got into serious relationships before marrying each other. She said she wanted to "*get it out of her system*" and that she knew that was selfish and inexcusable but that's how she felt.
> 
> ...


I'm usually not one to be so abrupt in my opinions but here it is. In all honesty this is how a woman who cannot have sex without excruciating pain acts? Just imagine how she will be behaving when the pain is not an issue. Before you know it she will be consummating your marriage with a someone else. 

But then again this is your marriage and your life. So you do what you think is right. Just remember we will be here when you finally figure out what she is really like.


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## geenidee (Nov 17, 2011)

chapparal said:


> There is actually a pelvic pain center in Louisville. Maybe there is one in your area. Is this the kind of doctors your wife is going to? Are there any circumstances when she can have sex?
> 
> Pelvic Pain Regional Specialty Center : Pelvic Pain Treatment


Thanks for the link! I'll check it out.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

always_hopefull said:


> *In all honesty this is how a woman who cannot have sex without excruciating pain acts? Just imagine how she will be behaving when the pain is not an issue. Before you know it she will be consummating your marriage with a someone else.*


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

She (always_hopefull) is correct. You would be wise to read this comment of hers over and over again until it is etched into your consciousness. You need to do this because you are in a fog of your own in trying to justify her unjustifiable behavior.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

geenidee said:


> The thought has crossed both our minds. I feel like I wouldn't be doing her justice if I didn't also mention this, which is a huge factor:
> 
> She has a medical condition that has prevented us from having sex for 2-3 years (we've been together for 6). She gets severe pain, and doctors can't figure out what's wrong. We recently got the health care that allows us for her to see doctors. They're working on figuring it out what it is.
> 
> Do we owe it to each other to give it time for doctors to figure it out? Or is that totally irrelivent?


Dude, you just hit the lottery.
She can't have sex for medical reasons. So you are slime bucket of the earth of you divorce over that. However, she then cheat's on you. LEAVE HER!

How could you think that Divorce is an extreme reaction to a sexless cheating marriage.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You are recently wed and she lies to you and wants to be close with another man and meets him. He cuts her off or they probably would have had some sort of sex. She tells you she pursued him.

Her actions indicate that she has no respect for you, her wedding vows and your relationship. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you have been? If you do not respect yourself then who will? See an attorney and file for an annulment. Find someone else in the future who can truly love and respect your relationship because she can or will not. Good luck.


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