# New to this board...hope you can help!



## guyinmd

Hi. I'm having an ongoing issue with my new girlfriend of 11 months. 

First my background. I'm recently divorced after 15+ yr marriage, but had a very loveless, lonely existence in the last four years of my marriage. In the end, EW cheated, lied and was physically and mentally abusive. It was over a year after my separation when I met GF. My final divorce hearing was to happen just a month after meeting GF, but was delayed several months because my atty was out of action (health). Nevertheless, the divorce was final four months later. Ex and I share 2 DC 50-50.

Her background. Married only about 5 years. Divorced for 3+ years. Ex was mentally abusive and alcoholic. He is now clean and they just started sharing their 1 DC almost 50-50.

The problem: GF and I fell in love pretty quickly. It was and is just great. Because of the problems with scheduling, we actually jumped the gun a bit and introduced the DC earlier than we wanted, but it has worked out. My ex has met my GF and her DC on several occasions. First time was accidentally in the neighborhood ex and I still live in. Next time at sporting event for one of my DC. And there have been other meetings/sightings. I've recently met my ex's new bf.

My GF, however, at first was very afraid of me meeting her ex. At first, she even lied to me about a Sunday activity she did with her DC in her neighborhood. I asked if I could join with my DC and she said no. I couldn't understand why she always said no, and then a few months later, she admitted it was because her ex often joined, and in fact, the activity was initially started by the ex and was "his thing". In addition, after 4+ months of knowing her DC--even sleepovers at both our houses with all the kids--she wouldn't let me go to her DC's fall sports because it would "upset the ex" and she was just now getting into a good coparenting relationship. My exclusion from DC activities continues with the winter sports. 

Early on, she would ask me directly to leave her house before the ex brought over DC. I understood early on, but this is continuing now nearly a year into our relationship. 

Just this morning, she was at my place and it was a noncustodial night for us. Her ex called early in the morning because the DC don't have school. He wanted her to take the DC so he could get to work. She told him she was "in my town" but not at "my house" and then offered to drive somewhere to get the DC. My town and her town are only 20 minutes apart. 

I got very upset. I tell her this makes me feel like the "other man". I told her I want her to stop hiding me from her ex. I said, 'can't you even tell him your are at "MY NAME's" house?' 

I told her all this tiptoeing about our relationship around him is making me angry and that I hate it.

Am I out of line? Please advise.


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## MSP

Something doesn't add up. Whatever the reason is, she's not being open and honest with you and that alone is cause for concern. I would distance myself if I were you.


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## EnjoliWoman

She may be afraid of him. Especially if he is the "if I can't have you no one can" type. She may think he'll be confrontational, or that he may threaten legal action or just be extra difficult to get along with.

Do talk to her about it. It may not be that she is trying to hide you, per se - she may just be trying to hide anyone she dates because she fears his reaction may involve some sort of abuse.

We (abused women) get used to walking on egg shells. It can be difficult to unlearn. 

Just another perspective.


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## guyinmd

EnjoliWoman said:


> She may be afraid of him. Especially if he is the "if I can't have you no one can" type. She may think he'll be confrontational, or that he may threaten legal action or just be extra difficult to get along with.
> 
> Do talk to her about it. It may not be that she is trying to hide you, per se - she may just be trying to hide anyone she dates because she fears his reaction may involve some sort of abuse.
> 
> We (abused women) get used to walking on egg shells. It can be difficult to unlearn.
> 
> Just another perspective.


I'm trying to be considerate of that. But from what she says, he was emotionally abusive, not physical. I was subjected to both. But I'm not afraid of my ex, and the bulk of the abuse occurred in 2011 and 2012 right before the separation. 

My GF has been separated/divorced for 5 years. When does she stop allowing him to control her?


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## guyinmd

Oh, and by the way, GF doesn't like to talk about it. Whenever I tell her that her actions upset me, the conversation somehow comes back to the problem is me, not the situation. That my fear/jealousy or whatever I'm feeling (mostly that I would never let my ex dictate my life like this) is more to do with me and not at all to do with her and her DC. She completely overlooks the fact that I would like to see her DC play his sports once in a while, as they are a big part of his life. And I've told her that.


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## Jellybeans

guyinmd said:


> I got very upset. I tell her this makes me feel like the "other man". I told her I want her to stop hiding me from her ex. I said, 'can't you even tell him your are at "MY NAME's" house?'
> 
> I told her all this tiptoeing about our relationship around him is making me angry and that I hate it.


What was her response to you?


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## Jellybeans

guyinmd said:


> Oh, and by the way, GF doesn't like to talk about it. Whenever I tell her that her actions upset me, the conversation somehow comes back to the problem is me, not the situation. That my fear/jealousy or whatever I'm feeling (mostly that I would never let my ex dictate my life like this) is more to do with me and not at all to do with her and her DC.


This is bullsh!t. And a cop-out. You should be able to openly and honesty discuss how you are feeling with her. If she shuts down on you on something so important and then says YOU are wrong for feeling YOUR feelings and wrong for being jealous when she is the one hiding you, essentially, then you have bigger problems in your relationship than you think.


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## guyinmd

Jellybeans said:


> What was her response to you?


She hasn't responded. I texted her that part. She generally acts like this is all my problem and that I have to deal with it. She suggests I get therapy. 

She has acknowledged that she intends to discuss with her ex that I will eventually go to her DC's games/activities, but she hasn't done it yet. 

I know her DC talks about me and my DC with the ex all the time as her DC indicated to me that this has happened.


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## MSP

guyinmd said:


> She generally acts like this is all my problem and that I have to deal with it. She suggests I get therapy.


Umm. Remind us of why you're with her.


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## guyinmd

Jellybeans said:


> This is bullsh!t. And a cop-out. You should be able to openly and honesty discuss how you are feeling with her. If she shuts down on you on something so important and then says YOU are wrong for feeling YOUR feelings and wrong for being jealous when she is the one hiding you, essentially, then you have bigger problems in your relationship than you think.


So you agree it seems like she is hiding me? From everything I read, it is always best for ex's and new so's to meet when dc are involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oldfaithful

Yes she is hiding you, she is being dishonest. I think anyone would feel the same. 
If she can't even listen to your feelings about this and says you need therapy that is a huge red flag to me that she isn't relationship material.


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## Pepper123

I was in an abusive marriage for 10+ years. I have stood by the logic that once 6 months had passed, I would tell my son's dad about anyone that I was seeing, as at that point I would feel that the relationship was serious. The same timeframe would coincide with meeting my son -- I don't want my son's dad to find out that I am seeing someone, and have them in the presence of our son, until he knows that this is someone that I care about and can be trusted. Furthermore, I do not want my son to be the one to tell my exH (which is how I found out about my exH's GF, 2 months after we split). 

FWIW, I think her actions are either based out of fear, or she is being shady. I think it would be prudent of you to start digging and investigate.


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## ThreeStrikes

Perhaps she is afraid of what her ex might tell you. You know, like the real reason they got divorced (she cheated?).


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## vi_bride04

Hmmmm are you sure they are divorced? Have you verified with court records or seen the divorce decree??

Alot of her comments trigger me as to being "cheater script" remarks. 

The turning it around on you and how you are being crazy and jealous and need therapy. Wow. Just wow. Way to blameshift and gaslight.


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## 3Xnocharm

Five years is WAY to long for her to still allow him to have such control over her. You know that this is HER issue and has nothing to do with you. The big question here is, IS THIS A DEALBREAKER for you?


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## tom67

ThreeStrikes said:


> Perhaps she is afraid of what her ex might tell you. You know, like the real reason they got divorced (she cheated?).


Good point!
Why didn't I think of that.
Bottom line only you can control what you will put up with and it sounds like she is acting a little strange.


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## tom67

vi_bride04 said:


> Hmmmm are you sure they are divorced? Have you verified with court records or seen the divorce decree??
> 
> Alot of her comments trigger me as to being "cheater script" remarks.
> 
> The turning it around on you and how you are being crazy and jealous and need therapy. Wow. Just wow. Way to blameshift and gaslight.


:iagree::iagree:
Way too much projecting imo.


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## guyinmd

3Xnocharm said:


> Five years is WAY to long for her to still allow him to have such control over her. You know that this is HER issue and has nothing to do with you. The big question here is, IS THIS A DEALBREAKER for you?


Idk. That's why I'm on here for advice. It might be getting to that point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oldfaithful

Have you seen her Facebook page?


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## guyinmd

Oldfaithful said:


> Have you seen her Facebook page?


Yes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

Guyinmd,

Describe your relationship in a bit more detail. Are you happy with her otherwise?

She is not hoping for reconciliation with her ex, is she?

I think the easiest thing to do is simply not disappear sometime when your paths cross. If she tries to get you to leave, just refuse. Say you are not into hiding from her ex.

Does her ex have any history of violence?


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## guyinmd

LongWalk said:


> Guyinmd,
> 
> Describe your relationship in a bit detail. Are you happy with her otherwise?
> 
> She is not hoping for reconciliation with her ex, is she?
> 
> I think the easiest thing to do is simply not disappear sometime when your paths cross. If she tries to get you to leave, just refuse. Say you are not into hiding from her ex.
> 
> Does her ex have any history of violence?


I thought we had a great relationship. I don't think they will reconcile. 

She saw her therapist today and is now saying I'm controlling and bossy. She wants to break up because she won't be controlled by anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm

guyinmd said:


> I thought we had a great relationship. I don't think they will reconcile.
> 
> She saw her therapist today and is now saying I'm controlling and bossy. She wants to break up because she won't be controlled by anyone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh my. Then my suggestion would be to go ahead and let her go. What you have been describing here is not controlling behavior. She is being controlled by her ex. This is going to be an ongoing problem for her in any relationship she gets into. You deserve someone who is all in with you.


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## vi_bride04

*Re: Re: New to this board...hope you can help!*



guyinmd said:


> I thought we had a great relationship. I don't think they will reconcile.
> 
> She saw her therapist today and is *now saying I'm controlling and bossy. She wants to break up because she won't be controlled by anyone*.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


More cheater script...

I mean maybe there's not cheating involved but something isn't right IMO


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## guyinmd

LongWalk said:


> Guyinmd,
> 
> Does her ex have any history of violence?


No
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## guyinmd

vi_bride04 said:


> More cheater script...
> 
> I mean maybe there's not cheating involved but something isn't right IMO


Yeah. My ex said this crap when she was running around
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oldfaithful

guyinmd said:


> Yeah. My ex said this crap when she was running around
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Does she have you as her boyfriend on FB? 
Something isn't right. Cut her loose.


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## guyinmd

Oldfaithful said:


> Does she have you as her boyfriend on FB?
> Something isn't right. Cut her loose.


She's not a big fb user. Not sure if that is a good measure. She did invite me to her big family vacation with her folks and extended family last summer and to her family's thanksgiving. So on that front, I've been very visible.

The problem is with the exhubby. I'm willing to entertain any suggestions that I'm blowing this way out of proportion. 

But, it might be too late. Seems like she and I are going to part ways. She can't handle fighting. We fought terribly about this yesterday, and now it seems like she can't handle it. She still thinks I was a bully and pushy, etc. She is now admitting she has to work on **** between her and the ex, but it seems she is unwilling to entertain the idea that she and I work through this latest argument over it. And this is not the first time she and I have argued over it.


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## ThreeStrikes

She was your rebound. Move on, fella.


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## Oldfaithful

She doesn't sound like she's a good match for you.


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## GutPunch

guyinmd said:


> She is now admitting she has to work on **** between her and the ex.


She may have hopes of reconciling with him and is hiding you fearing he may quit talking to her. 

Let her go. 

OTOH....her kids know about you therefore ex knows about you.

IDK....either way her behavior says end it.


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## guyinmd

GutPunch said:


> She may have hopes of reconciling with him and is hiding you fearing he may quit talking to her.
> 
> Let her go.
> 
> OTOH....her kids know about you therefore ex knows about you.
> 
> IDK....either way her behavior says end it.




I told her she's let this fester like a cancer in our relationship (11 months) and the flame has died because of it. I asked her if she's ever been in a relationship where her BF hid her from an ex or put the ex'es feelings over hers, and she wouldn't answer. I said how do you know how it feels, then. Finally, I told her if I was putting my ex'es feelings over hers or protecting my ex from the new reality that I love another woman, she would probably tell me I'm not over her or have unresolved issues and am not ready for a relationship. She won't comment on that.

Typical woman (sorry ladies), but what is good for the goose is always not good for the gander. Women can make all kinds of demands and set all kinds of rules, but once we express one feeling or want one thing, we are controlling bullies....

I should have known this woman wasn't for me when she said over the summer she'd like me to tone my arms more (I do triathlons) as she thinks buffer men are sexy. Instead of running then...I started lifting weights...


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## guyinmd

Honestly, I think she has the emotional capacity at 45 to handle dating a guy 10 years younger so she can get a buff, young guy, great sex, and someone who won't care to be involved with her DC or her ex.


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## vi_bride04

Typical cake eater, not a typical women.

There are men that behave just the same as her. Don't be sexist now.


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## EnjoliWoman

Heck, I'd FLAUNT a new guy. I just have no reason to be around ex very much. Thankfully.

Not typical.  If it's typical for you, then you might need to think about why you choose that type of woman.

What's good for the goose IS good for the gander, but tit for tat is not always the right way to go - instead a heart to heart (like you did) and know when to fold 'em. Did she call you a controlling bully after you pointed out how it made you feel and how she would feel if the roles were reversed? Sounds like a good decision to drop this one.


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## guyinmd

vi_bride04 said:


> Typical cake eater, not a typical women.
> 
> There are men that behave just the same as her. Don't be sexist now.


I'm sorry. Just feeling really let down by women right now. But all the advice here is helpful.


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## guyinmd

EnjoliWoman said:


> Heck, I'd FLAUNT a new guy. I just have no reason to be around ex very much. Thankfully.
> 
> Not typical.  If it's typical for you, then you might need to think about why you choose that type of woman.
> 
> What's good for the goose IS good for the gander, but tit for tat is not always the right way to go - instead a heart to heart (like you did) and know when to fold 'em. Did she call you a controlling bully after you pointed out how it made you feel and how she would feel if the roles were reversed? Sounds like a good decision to drop this one.


Yes. She says my communications are "emotionally immature, unkind and condescending"


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## vi_bride04

guyinmd said:


> I'm sorry. Just feeling really let down by women right now. But all the advice here is helpful.


 Its ok, totally understand. 

Sucks she sees you expressing your concerns as immature and unkind :scratchhead: its seems like expressing yourself to her honestly is more mature than hiding things.

Oh...wait, she is just projecting how SHE is acting in the situation


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## Oldfaithful

guyinmd said:


> I'm sorry. Just feeling really let down by women right now. But all the advice here is helpful.


She sounds like a control freak. 
I couldn't wait for my bf (now h) to go with to drop off my daughter.


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## guyinmd

Update: 
Believe it or not, we kind of made up this weekend. She has taken some responsibility for the situation. She says she "loses" herself in high-stress situations and is working on being better. She is now admitting that the situation is tough on me.

No more resolution than that, but at least she's not avoiding my feelings anymore. I agreed to not be so "pushy" in the future, but I won't admit to being a bully.


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## firebelly1

guyinmd said:


> Update:
> Believe it or not, we kind of made up this weekend. She has taken some responsibility for the situation. She says she "loses" herself in high-stress situations and is working on being better. She is now admitting that the situation is tough on me.
> 
> No more resolution than that, but at least she's not avoiding my feelings anymore. I agreed to not be so "pushy" in the future, but I won't admit to being a bully.


I wonder if you approach it with "here is how I feel about it" (good old "I" statements), and then "I want to understand where you're coming from" trying not to sound like you're prejudging, (and really, not prejudging) she may open up and tell you what's going on. It might be your approach. I don't think you're a bully or that the problem is you. You shouldn't accept her characterization of you like that, but speaking to her about the issue when you're angry probably isn't productive.


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## firebelly1

And also, you need to know what you're bottom line is. What is okay and what's not? That might change after you talk to her and understand why she's doing what she's doing, but if you want her to say on the phone that she is at your house and not in your city, say that. If you want to be allowed to go to her child's sports events, ask her when and how that can happen, and if she still waffles, let her know waiting indefinitely for an answer isn't going to work.


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## Hicks

You are making a classic mistake.
You are trying to get her to change her mind. That's taken by women as a sign of weakness and desperation.


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## 6301

guyinmd said:


> Her background. Married only about 5 years. Divorced for 3+ years. Ex was mentally abusive and alcoholic. He is now clean and they just started sharing their 1 DC almost 50-50.


 I think the problem is that she told you that he was and alcoholic and mentally abusive to gather some sympathy from you and in reality, he wasn't as bad as she made him out to be.

She wants to make him out like the bad guy in the marriage and if she's acting like the way you say she is in your relationship, she may have been the reason for his drinking and abuse because she might be a closet "Pain in the ass."


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## Jellybeans

guyinmd said:


> Update:
> Believe it or not, we kind of made up this weekend. She has taken some responsibility for the situation. She says she "loses" herself in high-stress situations and is working on being better. She is now admitting that the situation is tough on me.
> 
> No more resolution than that, but at least she's not avoiding my feelings anymore. I agreed to not be so "pushy" in the future, but I won't admit to being a bully.


I am glad to hear that she is admitting to seeing how it affects you but my question is this:




guyinmd said:


> I asked her if she's ever been in a relationship where her BF hid her from an ex or put the ex'es feelings over hers, *and she wouldn't answer.* I said how do you know how it feels, then. Finally, I told her if I was putting my ex'es feelings over hers or protecting my ex from the new reality that I love another woman, she would probably tell me I'm not over her or have unresolved issues and am not ready for a relationship. *She won't comment on that.*





guyinmd said:


> She is now admitting she has to work on **** between her and the ex


What exactly does she have to work on with him?

Look, I don't think your concern is being blowing out of proportion as you suggested. you have a legitimate concern. As a woman, if a man is seemingly hiding me, and from their ex, I would think something was strange with that situation.

I once long ago liked this guy. It was evident he would take me to places that were not his normal haunts or out of the way or where people he knew wouldn't see us together. it turns out he was still involved with someone else. Yeah, no thanks. Sometimes that gut feeling you have is right. Either that or she wants to keep you away from him for some really weird reason. She isn't co-mingling you both and that is shady to me.


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## Jellybeans

If she is willing to talk openly and honest with you about it and DO something about it, that is one thing. If she keeps hiding you, are you going to be ok with that?


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## Hardtohandle

Wow I got a bit emotional reading this.. 

I've been through similar situations..

Personally I would slightly distance himself.. Let her see you can pull back.. Let her work a bit to get you back into the relationship.

I'm not saying cancel every weekend.. But just end up being busy a few times in the next week or so that you can't met her.

Honestly I am super quick to cut someone lose. Current GF hates that.. I have zero tolerance for this sort of sh1t now..


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## guyinmd

Everyone has been so helpful to me! 

Things, unfortunately or fortunately, are coming to a head. This past weekend, she went and played street hockey with her ex and her son--something I'm not sure I mentioned, but she has been doing this since before she met me. When we first met, she went on and on about how great it was she played street hockey with her DC in her neighborhood. I said that was awesome and maybe one day me and my boys could join in. Several months later, I pushed her on it, and she said we couldn't play because it was actually something her ex invited her to, and it wouldn't be appropriate to bring us.

Well, needless to say, I blew up on her last night when I found out she played with her ex and her DC on Sunday. I said how can you be so friendly with him (and she co-coaches the DC basketball team with him on Saturdays, and I can't go...) to coach and play hockey with him, yet keep me out of that part of your life. If you guys are so friendly, I said, why can't he accept me as part of your and DC's life? Keep in mind, we just went on a four-day ski trip with my DC and her DC over President's day, after which her DC told her he loved being with us. 

Again, I'm emotionally unstable, pushy and lacking compassion for her "special situation". 

I called bull**** and ask for time off, including no contact for a while and seeing other people. 

I'm really through with this.


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## 3Xnocharm

Sorry to read this Guy, but cant say that I am surprised. Time to move on to a woman who will be proud to be with you and willing to show you off!


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## tom67

guyinmd said:


> Everyone has been so helpful to me!
> 
> Things, unfortunately or fortunately, are coming to a head. This past weekend, she went and played street hockey with her ex and her son--something I'm not sure I mentioned, but she has been doing this since before she met me. When we first met, she went on and on about how great it was she played street hockey with her DC in her neighborhood. I said that was awesome and maybe one day me and my boys could join in. Several months later, I pushed her on it, and she said we couldn't play because it was actually something her ex invited her to, and it wouldn't be appropriate to bring us.
> 
> Well, needless to say, I blew up on her last night when I found out she played with her ex and her DC on Sunday. I said how can you be so friendly with him (and she co-coaches the DC basketball team with him on Saturdays, and I can't go...) to coach and play hockey with him, yet keep me out of that part of your life. If you guys are so friendly, I said, why can't he accept me as part of your and DC's life? Keep in mind, we just went on a four-day ski trip with my DC and her DC over President's day, after which her DC told her he loved being with us.
> 
> Again, I'm emotionally unstable, pushy and lacking compassion for her "special situation".
> 
> I called bull**** and ask for time off, including no contact for a while and seeing other people.
> 
> I'm really through with this.


You were right it is bs.
Move on.


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## guyinmd

Well it took a longer time than I thought, and I'm not really over her yet, but we've been broken up for about 4 weeks. We backslid and slept together twice in April and I mowed her lawn a few weeks ago and drove her and picked her up from the airport over the spring break, but besides that, we are over.

I really loved this woman and miss her more than I ever missed my ex wife of 15 years. Strange. 

She still thinks it was all in my head, all my problem. Funny, I showed her the feedback from this forum and some online therapists, and told her what all my friends thought, etc., yet she kept saying no one could possibly understand her situation.

Yeah, we understand...she's still got something for her ex...


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