# am I missing out on life?



## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

Hello all,

I have been married to my husband for about 13 years and we are in our late 30's. My husband is overall a good man, with high ethical values and a good job. When we got married, we were both on the fence about having kids. Neither of us really liked children (he disliked them more than me), but I was open to the idea. Not only does he dislike children (and complains about them if ever seated next to them in a restaurant or on a plane), he tells me he finds pregnancy gross, and pregnant women unattractive. As can be imagined, this didn't exactly convince me to desire getting pregnant and having children. Now that I am in the late 30's, everyone around me has kids and I'm imagining my life 10 or 20 years from now and not liking what I see which is a middle aged, married but unfulfilled woman. I brought up the subject of maybe getting pregnant, and he said if I really wanted it he would do it, but I couldn't expect him to really be hands on in the way that I would need him too. This I know is true, because he is quite lazy. Also, I have ADHD and would really need help because I couldn't do it on my own.

My husband is content with sitting around all day on his ipad, or playing video games. He suffers from mild depression and is on antidepressants, but refuses to get therapy. We rarely show each other affection, and have sex once a month at most. When we have sex I have to envision I am having sex with someone else in order to get anything out of it because there is no passion in our marriage and I do not get sexually aroused by him. It doesn't help that he constantly has to give me a visual description of what occurs everytime he goes to the bathroom. He's very immature that way. When I tell him that it turns me off he ignores me and continues. He is about 20 lbs overweight which in itself, does not bother me at all. What bothers me is that he binge eats on junk food and never bothers to excercise. I am slim, toned, fit and take care of my body. He would have an issue if I became overweight. 

He gives our dog more attention than me, picking her up and cuddling and kissing her, and when I comment that he gives the dog more attention his response is "your jealous of a dog? Give me a break!", laughs at me and continues cuddling and kissing the dog. He also sometimes makes me feel bad about myself and I don't think he realizes he's doing it. For example, I am starting to get a few gray hairs and he keeps pointing them out, telling me I need to start dying my hair, that it looks bad to walk around with gray hairs and that it's making HIM feel old. 

The only time I feel like he is attentive and loving towards me is when we are on vacation, which is like once a year. I have told him that I felt that way and he said he doesn't know what I'm talking about, and that I don't give him any affection either.

Anyway, I'm not sure what do at this point. I am thinking of divorce. Overall I know he loves me and wouldn't want a divorce, but I feel like I am cheating myself out of a life (maybe with kids?) and a loving relationship. Although being in my late 30's, divorcing someone over wanting kids seems ridiculous, doesn't it? Anyway, i'd love to hear some advice. Thanks in advance!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

toomuchtotell said:


> Hello all,
> Anyway, I'm not sure what do at this point. I am thinking of divorce. Overall I know he loves me and wouldn't want a divorce, but I feel like I am cheating myself out of a life (maybe with kids?) and a loving relationship. Although being in my late 30's, divorcing someone over wanting kids seems ridiculous, doesn't it? Anyway, i'd love to hear some advice. Thanks in advance!


I understand, and agree with you on how you are feeling. You are being cheated out of these things, and it isnt even about kids, really. Your husband is pretty much checked out of the relationship. You knew his stance on kids, so give up on trying to change that about him. Sometimes what people want out of life changes, like it seems to have for you, but for others, like him, it never does. You sound very dissatisfied overall with the marriage. You cannot fix it by yourself. Lets say you get through to him about participating in and working on the relationship....would a good marriage be enough to satisfy you without children?


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> I understand, and agree with you on how you are feeling. You are being cheated out of these things, and it isnt even about kids, really. Your husband is pretty much checked out of the relationship. You knew his stance on kids, so give up on trying to change that about him. Sometimes what people want out of life changes, like it seems to have for you, but for others, like him, it never does. You sound very dissatisfied overall with the marriage. You cannot fix it by yourself. Lets say you get through to him about participating in and working on the relationship....would a good marriage be enough to satisfy you without children?


Thanks, yes that last question is one I need to figure out the answer to. I think if I wanted to work through our other problems, he'd be open to MC if the alternative is divorce. The last thing I want to do is convince him to want kids because you can't change someone, and once you have a child you can't go back when you realize you don't have the support you need. Being a divorced, single mom has never been my goal in life.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, you can try MC, but by the time you figure out he isn't going to change, you'll be that much older. You're already at the upper limit of when it's a good idea to have a baby. Plus, if you have a baby at 40, you're 60 before they leave the house. I'm 48 and am thoroughly enjoying my almost empty nest 

Divorcing someone over whether to have kids is not ridiculous at all. You have a few more reasons than that, though.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

The short answer is any reason may be good enough to end a marriage. My ex-wife and I had the same agreement about no kids when we got married 15 years ago. In my situation she's the one that's very anti-kid, I didn't ( and still don't ) really care either way. Our marriage didn't end because of a disagreement about kids, but I also agree with the others you have other things to tackle. 

The lesson learned I would share is to confront the problem, confront the spouse, go to counseling or seek other help while you are both possibly open to change. In my case, the ex-wife had an EA which made it impossible to reconcile. Before she started the EA she never really confronted me, and I can tell you men are pretty stupid and lazy-- unless you tell us outright that divorce is a real option, we will think its all OK. 

Google 'walk away wife' to see how this snowballs if the wife is not *direct* and says "You need to fix this NOW or I'm leaving" .. because if its not that direct we won't get it. Or I can tell you I didn't till it was too late. 

Good luck. One other reason I read this post was the subject. I can tell you that while I am still a little bitter on how it ended, I do feel that its better that it ended. she was a different person (EA aside) and I did not change. Sometimes people grow apart. I don't think my ex-wife and I would have stayed together even if she didn't have the EA. Her values changed, just like your values may have changed. That doesn't make you a bad person (yet, don't do the EA so I don't have to come back and judge LOL)


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## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

Sounds like he wants to be left alone and doesn't want to me in a mutual and fair marriage.

Why would you want to save it at this point?


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

thanks for the responses. I guess I've just decided it's too late in my life to start having a conversion about wanting kids anyway. I am focusing on the other issues in the relationship which I've posted more about in a different thread.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Devotion said more or less what I was going to say. Your husband has no idea that there are any issues with your marriage and thinks that everything is perfectly fine. You need to wake him to face reality. 

Women in general are better communicators than men, so make the effort to let him know how you are feeling. I can tell you, he will turn a blind eye to it in the beginning, but you need to be firm and make him realize that he may lose you. However, do give him the chance to bring back what was lost. My wife never warned me and when she said she wanted out she also said it was too late to fix anything. 

When my wife first told me she wanted children, I was very negative about it. I was scared and didn't want. However, I agreed one day and don't know why I did. But when my son was born, it changed me and made me feel complete also. She wanted a second child but I held off again feeling that one was enough. After seven years I consented. And now with the second son, I feel even better. If I could rewind time, I wish I had children even sooner. So your husband may be saying things now, but he might change eventually. 

Give him a chance.


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