# Exposure may be working...should I break no contact with WW?



## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Check out my other posts for the whole story...

It's been two days now since I exposed to WW's family and OM's family. I stated that she's not to contact me until she's done with the OM unless it's a financial issue. I've received five or six texts from WW since then, first angry, then practical (remember the Cat's vet appointment etc.) and about two hours ago I get "we really need to talk. The conditions under which you'll accept me back are so undesirable coming back isn't an option." For reference, here's the conditions:

1. Cease all contact with OM.
2. Attend marriage counseling.
3. Understand when I check phone records and emails.
4. Agree to answer questions about the affair. I will only ask about the affair at designated times, twice per week for thirty minutes, so you don't feel bombarded with questions. After one month I'll only ask once per week. In time I won't need to ask anymore.
5. Say unique prayers every night. Attend church every Sunday. Discuss our marriage every Sunday night for twenty minutes.
6. Keep Thursdays open for date day, and have mini-dates every Sunday after church.
7. Start our video business together. Make at least one creative project together every month.

Now, some of these things I'm willing to negotiate on (no negotiation on number one though). My question to you guys is: having already instated no contact with WW, should I meet to talk about these requirements? Should I be willing to negotiate on any of these things (again, number one stays)? What are your personal exceptions to no contact with a wayward spouse?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

They should all be enforced. 
Because the second you stop enforcing any one or negotiate any of them, is the second she thinks they can all be negotiated and bargained upon. 

And you should change #4 to "I will ask you about the affair a bunch. Because I will be having mind movies and nightmares everynight. So the least you can do is answer my questions. If at any point you don't like it, you can get out of answering a question by leaving the house."


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

No. See shes saying "Coming back isn't really an option" No it is, she just doesn't want to and is most likely protecting her pride. 

Negotiations only happen after the terms are accepted, not before. 

If you break NC, it should be to tell her then I have nothing to talk about with you. 

What shes doing is very common for waywards. They try to find small grounds and cracks in the ultimatum to weasel into. She may be saying its just this one thing today, but tomorrow it will be another, and another, until shes saying 'we really can just be friends' about OM. 

Put an end to this.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

If you are curious:

My mom and dad are getting divorced. 
Dad cheated. Got caught. 
Mom offered to R. 
He cheated again. 

She is NC with him, even though they are living in the SAME HOUSE. And I have not seen ANY exceptions. NONE! ZERO. 
Now...there could be some, but I doubt it. Stubborn woman. 

Also, if your wife doesn't like those conditions......
Maybe....and you may not want to hear this:
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO PUT THE EFFORT INTO REAL RECONCILIATION!

She just wants you to rugsweep. 
After an affair, your conditions should be to build a stronger marriage so this never happens again. 
If she doesn't like the idea of building a stronger marriage, tell her to enjoy the OM.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Stay dark!

I assume she is still living with the other man. 

Does she want to save the marriage or does she want to divorce? A few weeks ago she wanted to divorce. 


Statistics show relationships built from affairs have less than a 3% chance of surviving. Most self destruct in about 6 months. 
That's because the newness wears off, the endorphins and dopamines level out. 

Wait this out. In the past you have jumped at the chance to rescue her. 
If you must, let her know you love her but you can not allow her to hurt you anymore. 

When she's serious she will accept your demands (no matter how undesirable) 

Good luck,


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are not going to be able to live by this one:
. Agree to answer questions about the affair. I will only ask about the affair at designated times, twice per week for thirty minutes, so you don't feel bombarded with questions. After one month I'll only ask once per week. In time I won't need to ask anymore.


The questions will be constant for some time. And she has to answer them. That's part of the penalty for what she did.

Why does she have to answer them? Because in order for you to feel on the same playing field as she, you need to know what she knows. Otherwise she is carrying around great secrets. Asking/answering the questions, as hurtful as it will be, will actually draw the two of you closer and build emotional intimacy. Having been through it, it’s odd but that’s how it works.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

She finds the marriage isn't worth putting work into and to regain your trust. She cheated and wants to have her way for what she considers reconciliation. Dont compromise your basic needs to regain trust. She thinks your not worth it then let her go because she is not worth it. Let her find someone else to [email protected]#k over. Actually she already has and is to lazy and selfish to deal with the consequences. 
_Posted via Mobil_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Thats as thin a list as I coud make (business things aside).
If she could not live with them I would assume she did not really want to live with me.

Keep your fences mended, you put them up for a reason!

Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Stay dark no conditions are being met. Also number four should be you'll ask as much s you need to and she will fully answer. Shehas not agreed to anything so no contact.

Forget about date night and making movies right now. You will have your hands full getting post number four
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is OM posted on cheaterville.com?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> Check out my other posts for the whole story...
> 
> It's been two days now since I exposed to WW's family and OM's family. I stated that she's not to contact me until she's done with the OM unless it's a financial issue. I've received five or six texts from WW since then, first angry, then practical (remember the Cat's vet appointment etc.) and about two hours ago I get "we really need to talk. The conditions under which you'll accept me back are so undesirable coming back isn't an option." For reference, here's the conditions:
> 
> ...


You can talk about getting back together. But you don't seem like you are strong enough to stand up for yourself very well. When you talk to her, be firm.

*Numbers 1 through 4 are not negotiable*. As a matter of fact, *number 4 is not strong enough*. You likely will need more time than that for questions unless she tells you the whole truth up front. Unfortunately, practically no cheater is able to do this, so you have to expect to squeeze out the truth over some time. I think you should add in that you may require a polygraph if her "truth" doesn't make sense or seem believable to you.

I also would add a number 5, that she get tested for STDs.

Your number 5 is OK. I would be willing to drop the say unique prayers every night. Number 6 is OK. I would be willing to drop number 7 completely.

I really can't imagine what she would find so impossible about your conditions. Aside from the church and prayers and business project, they are pretty normal stuff that any betrayed spouse might expect. Going to church once a week, saying prayers every night likely would not be deal-breakers if she shares your beliefs.

I'm guessing that her objection would be with you checking email. She probably believes she needs "privacy" in her marriage in case she wants to cheat. Maybe she also believes she should be able to remain in contact with other man "as friends only."

It's OK to hear what her objections are, but don't waver on what you require. None of it is unreasonable, though like I said I personally wouldn't care about dropping number 7 completely and the nightly unique prayers from number 5.

If you do talk to her about it, don't negotiate. Don't argue. Don't cry, plead, or beg. Stay calm. Stay on topic and explain your position, why you wouldn't feel comfortable reconciling unless those conditons were met. Do this as indifferently as possible. Tell her you don't trust her, these conditions are to help you build back your trust, you can't be in a marriage where you're constantly wondering if she's cheating on you, you love her but you'd rather end the marriage than stay married with her not being an open book to you, sharing everything with you. Tell her you may greatly reduce or stop checking on her at some point when you feel comfortable, but you will never feel comfortable with any contact with other man ever again.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Personally, I would drop seven. It has nothing to do with any of the others and she might have valid reasons why that is a no go. It sort of sounds like you are trying to force her to do things you really want her to do which she didn't want to do *which are not intrinsic to making a stronger marriage.*

Yes, you can rationalize it by saying 'oh...we'll be together every day. It will open up communications. Blah blah blah.'

I don't read it that way. Now you CAN insist she quit her job if she met the POS there, but FORCING her to potentially gut family finances for what MAY be a pipe dream just because she failed in one area?

No. Doesn't work for me.

Everything else is sort of rational. The Church thing sounds a bit...forced. Special prayers? If she's an atheist or not religious, this is a real PITA for her and a bit of a poison pill, but not enough for a ref like myself to call foul. If she could spend an hour or two a week boinking the OM, she can spend an hour a week with you in church. She can bring Suduko if she wants. And give her SOME say in which church.

So my text would be:

"On further consideration, I realize that the video business is seperate from our reconciliation. So that and ONLY that is withdrawn from the list of demands. I will not discuss the other six items as I am being as reasonable as I can be in my own mind. If you find them too odious, you will find 3 billion men in this world who won't require those conditions. Try Saudi Arabia."


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Your number 5 is OK. I would be willing to drop the say unique prayers every night.
> .
> .
> 
> I really can't imagine what she would find so impossible about your conditions. *Aside from the church and prayers *and business project, they are pretty normal stuff that any betrayed spouse might expect. Going to church once a week, saying prayers every night likely would not be deal-breakers if she shares your beliefs.


Yeah. When I read that 'unique prayer thing, my drug addled imagination started up with samples:

"Oh Lord. Please forgive this Wh0re her cheating wicked ways. And do not inflict the boils upon her face which she so roundly deserves that you do not punish her innocent husband. Instead. cause her vagina to dry up and seal shut if she is ever so iniquitous to spread her slvtty legs for another man who is not her husband...and then give her boils. Amen."

I personally wouldn't be up for nightly fare like that either.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

NotDoneYet said:


> 5. Say unique prayers every night. Attend church every Sunday. Discuss our marriage every Sunday night for twenty minutes.
> 6. Keep Thursdays open for date day, and have mini-dates every Sunday after church.
> 7. Start our video business together. Make at least one creative project together every month.


:scratchhead:


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## huanito (Jun 29, 2011)

NotDoneYet said:


> Check out my other posts for the whole story...
> 
> It's been two days now since I exposed to WW's family and OM's family. I stated that she's not to contact me until she's done with the OM unless it's a financial issue. I've received five or six texts from WW since then, first angry, then practical (remember the Cat's vet appointment etc.) and about two hours ago I get "we really need to talk. The conditions under which you'll accept me back are so undesirable coming back isn't an option." For reference, here's the conditions:
> 
> ...


First of all you should not have an open window for WW to come back whenever she feels that she is done with OM which may never happen. You need to contact her and let her know that she need to break off communication with OM as of immediately and to sit down together and come clean on everything that happened or risk loosing you forever. If she really cares about this marriage she will do it. If she does, trust me she will not tell you everything and you should not trust everything she tells you. 

If you truly feel that you want this marriage to work after sitting together and talking about it then make sure to do all you can to monitor what she is doing without letting her know because there is a very good chance she still might keep in touch with OM and just not let you know. Also she should know that it would take time for her to gain your trust again. If she feels that its not worth it for her then it is definately not worth it for you too. She should be the one doing everything she can to save this marriage. 

I have been through this and the wife gave into all my demands but only after many lies because of the fact that I went easy the first time and those extra lies only made my distrust worse and now since she seen that she is realy at the end of the line she completely changed but it is harder for me to forget because of the toll the extra lies have added to my faith to trust again.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> Check out my other posts for the whole story...
> 
> It's been two days now since I exposed to WW's family and OM's family. I stated that she's not to contact me until she's done with the OM unless it's a financial issue. I've received five or six texts from WW since then, first angry, then practical (remember the Cat's vet appointment etc.) and about two hours ago I get "we really need to talk. The conditions under which you'll accept me back are so undesirable coming back isn't an option." For reference, here's the conditions:
> 
> ...


How much self respect one have to loose to be with a cheater?

Put half of this effort in finding out a good healthy girl who loves and care for you.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> Check out my other posts for the whole story...
> 
> It's been two days now since I exposed to WW's family and OM's family. I stated that she's not to contact me until she's done with the OM unless it's a financial issue. I've received five or six texts from WW since then, first angry, then practical (remember the Cat's vet appointment etc.) and about two hours ago I get "we really need to talk. The conditions under which you'll accept me back are so undesirable coming back isn't an option." For reference, here's the conditions:
> 
> ...


If you drop 1,3 and 4 she may agree to come back.

Do you need her back after dropping any of these demands?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Has anyone bothered to read the first thread ??
kallan Pav, you said it right. 
He should be using this effort to move ahead with his life.
She comes and goes when the mood hits her.
So any advice on holding her accountable is useless.
So is any to him how to get her back.

I honestly can't be a part in enabling him in this unhealthy relationship which seem a hard case of codepend/obsession.

For some reason, his posts just speaks unhealthy. I'm out.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

NotDoneYet said:


> two hours ago I get "we really need to talk. The conditions under which you'll accept me back are so undesirable coming back isn't an option."


 Since none of your conditions are unreasonable, her saying that they are too "undesirable" to come back shows that she has no remorse and does not want back accept under cake eater conditions. She has moved on already. Time for you to do the same.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Here's the deal...a true reconciliation she would do anything to get you back...my ex had an EA prior to her PA and I set all terms and conditions and you know what? On the surface she seemed like she was complying but she was really going underground....on the Maury Povich show alot of his guests say "you cannot make a ho into a housewife" and truth is you cannot. No matter what conditions I placed, I realized she would comply to my face, but always had ways to get around it...in short, did not respect me or men in general....bye bye. Understand?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife is sleeping in another man's bed.

She is there by her own choosing.

Stop negotiating the terms for her to stop cheating.

Thinks about that. You are negotiating the terms of her stopping betraying you.

This isn't about getting her to agree to item 2 or a modified item 5. This is entirely and simply her stopping having sex with the OM. 

She's still having sex with him during your negotiations.

Seriously? 

You wife is no interesting in stopping cheating. You're only dragging things on and making yourself more miserable.

Do you actually think you would be happy if she came back? She's still the same person that has chosen the OM over you. She would be the person who negotiated the term of her faithfulness.

Seriously, for everyone else being faithful isn't negotiation point.

File for D and move on. The OM has won a cheater and liar. You on the other hand have won your freedom from a cheater and liar.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

If she really wanted to R then she would accept you requests!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stay dark and ask the lawyer to contact her and tell her you will not negotiate. 

This list you have maybe better for a new relationship instead of fixing this old one.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> 1. Cease all contact with OM.
> 2. Attend marriage counseling.
> 3. Understand when I check phone records and emails.
> 4. Agree to answer questions about the affair. I will only ask about the affair at designated times, twice per week for thirty minutes, so you don't feel bombarded with questions. After one month I'll only ask once per week. In time I won't need to ask anymore.
> ...


First let me just say that I'm replying to you today as a former disloyal spouse. In my personal opinion, #1-4 are non-negotiable. Don't even THINK of letting those go. #5 you can modify as to fit yourself and your beliefs--I assume what you mean is that in order to be part of your life, she has to once again begin attending church and end the actions such as adultery. #6 I would be willing to pick different "days" but the idea of a regular date and mini-dates is non-negotiable. And #7 does not really need to be there in my opinion since it does not have to do with building the marriage or closer emotional intimacy. 

Second, however, let me say this, and I say it extremely strongly. When my affair ended and Dear Hubby and I were going over what he required in order to reconcile, I would have stood on my head and recited Shakespeare if that's what it took to make things right. Now I would have felt pretty embarrassed to be on my head in front of everyone and reciting Shakespeare isn't the easiest thing ... but you know what? Maybe a little embarrassment is what I needed! And doing something that's a little hard would have been good for me and proven to him that I meant it! 

So I can honestly say that her attitude of "The conditions under which you'll accept me back are so undesirable coming back isn't an option" is *Baloney!!* I'm throwing the B.S.Flag!! :bsflag: What she means is: "I want to come back and be in control of the crumbs you'll accept from me." 

Soooo... *be brave*. * Do NOT back down* on #1-4, consider negotiating #5 to reflect your beliefs, consider changing days for #6 but nothing else, and for #7 if that is important to you...that's important to you. Let her see that in order to be with you, she needs to give you 100% of her affection and loyalty, and you will not accept crumbs any more!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OK. This is what I would do. Ask her by email exactly which of the terms are "undesirable"? 

And undesirable to who or whom?

If she answers with specifics you would then be able to either modify your terms or file for divorce, depending on her answer.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I saw that Shaggy mentioned your other threads so I have read them.

Good job exposing- yes a little long in coming-better late than never.

Also I glad to hear that you are a “recovering” nice guy, that bodes well for you personally.

I have some things for you to think about and I am going to put them in terms of a letter to your wife.

This is what I might send if my ww tried to negotiate her terms of return to me under your circumstances. This is just how I want to express myself; I hope no offense it taken.

To WW

"we really need to talk. The conditions under which you'll accept me back are so undesirable coming back isn't an option."


Your text was a hard dose of reality, up until that point I never thought of myself as an option. My sense of loss has been so great and the pain so complete that I think I have been in a fog.
Your text has snapped me out of it.

When we were lying together the last time and I looked into your eyes I saw the woman I loved, the woman I crushed on when we were married, but within an hour of my leaving the house for work you were on your way back to your lover.

Things have changed. The woman who gave herself to me and only me is gone, the trust I had in her is gone. My friendship with this amazing person is gone. You still look like her, but you can never be her.

I realize now how pathetic a position I have allowed myself to be in. I have some of your heart and he has some of it, maybe more, and you are divided between us, thriving on the attention and drama.

You lover threatens to move if you leave him and you are stuck, he is a pathetic man also, and a manipulator.

The conditions I gave you, were what I thought at the time was a minimum to restore my relationship with that woman I fell in love with. 

I understand now why you would say that was “so undesirable”, you are not that woman. 

You have given yourself to another, he won you away from me, and you are now his woman. Yes you are still my wife, but only in a legal and moral sense, in terms of relationships, you belong to him now, he has marked his territory. 

I wanted you back at almost any cost and now I almost feel embarrassed for trying, like what kind of man am I. I will not share my wife with another man, not if I have any self-respect. You can never be the same person you were before you broke your vows and cheated on our marriage.

I really wonder what conditions you would accept. Maybe you will consent to live with me if I do not expect sex and the om can come over an shag you whenever he wants. Like an open marriage for you or I could be your cuckold. 

I wanted you back I wanted us back, but you and us no longer exist. 

Now I realize I would only be a consolation prize if the two of you do not work out, a lesser plan B.

When I gave you those conditions I was in a fog. Now I have no idea how I could ever take you back, how you could ever make this up to me? What foundation would we even have for a relationship?

I am not saying this to hurt you. You are not asking to come back so I think I can say this without attacking you. If I were talking to a stranger on the street in this situation this is the advice I would give him now.

The level of betrayal, disloyalty and disrespect is so great that I’m not sure what I would be getting if you came back.

I appreciate your honesty in telling me that my conditions were too high a price to pay to be with me, I was willing to forgive a very high debt on your part and live with a lifetime of pain to have you back. 

I realize I need to put the same value on our relationship that you have or I will be selling myself short.

I think I am a better man than I have been acting like, and I think I deserve better.
I have been faithful and loyal to my marriage, and I have never gone after a married woman.

I have to own my mistakes and do better next time but it is not my fault that you never gave me a chance to do better with you.

I will pick my friends and partners with a clearer vision next time. 

I hope the two of you will become better people somehow.

I know that you did not want to be the one to file for divorce and I did not want it. But I am ok with it now and I will file for us.

I won’t apologize for pursuing you, fighting for you, or chasing after you because at the time I thought it was the right thing to do. 

I would like to put this behind me and move on, , I desire no further contact beyond what will be necessary for the divorce. 


Again I’m just thinking out loud, many here would say this would be a big break in NC and 180, so I’m not suggesting you send it. But I think I would and then go dark on her forever. (ok well NC after the D was final)

Keep your fences mended, you put them up for a reason! 
To keep the good creatures in and the bad creatures out!


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

No contact until she shows true remorse, breaks down at your feet, and promises to do whatever you want to in order to prove her commitment. She cheated and it is her who needs to do the heavy lifting. Stop being a doormat. Why should you compromise? It was her fault and she needs to fix it. The OM is a sneaky fox. Be a lion and protect your den. If someone has made a mistake, let her prove that she is sincere and never going to make this mistake again.

This is coming from a man who forgave his wife thrice without any show of remorse on her part. Enough is enough. Don't become me and save your sanity while you can.


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

I've just told her I still won't see her until she's done with him, and that she can give her opinions on my conditions by email. #1-4 are non negotiable. Thanks everyone for the advice, pray for us!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

And thanks Decorum for the letter! I may use some of that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Shaggy is completly SPOT ON! Follow his advice! You don't need this mistake that you married in your life. I know that you still love her and that you want your old life back. But that is NOT going to happen.Pretend that your marriage was a house, a nice house, nice yard.....Now I want you to think of a house fire, were the flames go high in the sky and the next morning there is NOTHING left! I mean just black rubble and a floor. That is were you are today. Your wife burned down your marriage. Now, do you really want to keep a relationship with someone who might just kill you the next time. REALLY?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

I´m just going to bold some of SHAGGY´s excellent 
So I'm just going to bold some part to emphasize it more.
See it as bullet point to THINK long and hard on..

If my memory serves me correct,you are a very young guy.
And thus very lucky.You have still not invested years in the marriage,monetary wise.And especially you two have no kids..



Shaggy said:


> Your wife is sleeping in another man's bed.
> 
> *She is there by her own choosing.
> *
> ...


I´m sorry man..I can't either in good faith,urge you and give different advice then Shaggy just gave..

Please i know its not easy.. but move on


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

huanito said:


> First of all you should not have an open window for WW to come back whenever she feels that she is done with OM which may never happen. You need to contact her and let her know that she need to break off communication with OM as of immediately and to sit down together and come clean on everything that happened or risk loosing you forever. If she really cares about this marriage she will do it. If she does, trust me she will not tell you everything and you should not trust everything she tells you.
> 
> If you truly feel that you want this marriage to work after sitting together and talking about it then make sure to do all you can to monitor what she is doing without letting her know because there is a very good chance she still might keep in touch with OM and just not let you know. Also she should know that it would take time for her to gain your trust again. If she feels that its not worth it for her then it is definately not worth it for you too. She should be the one doing everything she can to save this marriage.
> 
> I have been through this and the wife gave into all my demands but only after many lies because of the fact that I went easy the first time and those extra lies only made my distrust worse and now since she seen that she is realy at the end of the line she completely changed but it is harder for me to forget because of the toll the extra lies have added to my faith to trust again.


:iagree:


NotDoneYet,

I am glad if it is helpful. Im just tyring to help you think it through.

Honestly I am with Shaggy here, I dont know that I would want to go on with the relationship, but that is your call.





> I've just told her I still won't see her until she's done with him,


I have a concern with your reply because it's nice guy talk for (i.e. translates into) this. "I'm your plan "B" take all the time you need, but I'm going to sulk in my corner until you are done"

Not trying to be harsh but you need to think about the message you are sending.

Take care!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I am surprised you even want her back...

Why do you want her back ?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> I've just told her I still won't see her until she's done with him, and that she can give her opinions on my conditions by email. #1-4 are non negotiable. Thanks everyone for the advice, pray for us!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Glad to see you (finally) got to do some sensible thing. But you need to talk, not via email. Man up. 

I think if _you_ would listen after praying you would hear God telling you to listen to the advise you got already on your other threads.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, why haven't you started divorce proceedings with your wife?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

(Briefly reviews primary thread)

Ah...one of *THOSE!*

Okay, there are three purposes to coming to this thread.

One is to get advice. Check.

Two is to tell us about new developments. Check.

Three is for support. 

So...you are essentially telling us that this person is swinging a hammer at your...hand. (Let's keep this family friendly)

So you ask us what to do. We say stop letting her hit your...hand with a hammer.

So you tell us NEW ways she's hitting you. So we aren't really away from step one still.

NOW you are telling us about how she wants to negotiate about how hard she hits you and where.

So, I'm not going to support you. I already advised you and I'm not interested in a Theater of Pain which is just the same act OVER AND OVER again like something done by Post Modernist college students.

So...tell us what's CHANGED! Hopefully it's you.

I really like a character arc in my story. One where the protagonist grows and becomes stronger. Don't disappoint me with a shabby ending.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

She is of the firm belief that you will take her back any time. 

This will be hard for you [was for me as a recovering nice guy] but there is a really small word you are going to have to keep repeating to her for possibly years. 
I am 19 months out from Dday and Divorced and up until recently the Ex firmly believed that I was bluffing!

That small word is NO. It is quiet simply the one word that she can not comprehend you using. 

Practice it in front of the mirror. Say it to people who are less connected. Practice it and before long is will become easy.

The thing is when you finally DO detach and stay dark for months, because you really can not be bothered thinking about her, that is when she will want you back. 

NO. You can't fake it. She has your number. It will not be until you finally give up on her that she will panic and do all the things you want her to do. By this stage you won't give a flying fck and will be wondering what you were doing with her all those years.


This woman holds you in utter contempt.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

You most definitely are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

She says that by refusing to see her in person until she's done with OM I'm not creating a good environment to come back to...ugh this is exhausting. Still I think she's afraid her cake eating days are ending.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> You most definitely are in my thoughts and prayers.


Thanks, I need it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> She says that by refusing to see her in person until she's done with OM I'm not creating a good environment to come back to...ugh this is exhausting. Still I think she's afraid her cake eating days are ending.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ignore her. Continue to be dark. She knows the rules. She will only respect you if you do not agree to share her. Allowing her to speak to you while she's still with him is equal to sharing her.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> She says that by refusing to see her in person until she's done with OM I'm not creating a good environment to come back to...ugh this is exhausting. Still I think she's afraid her cake eating days are ending.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, does your wife have any hot friends that find you attractive? If so, I suggest that you make it one of your conditions for R to set you up with her hot friend and that she has to sit there and watch you pleasure another woman. Of course I don't advocate you actually doing this. However, I'd throw this out there with the intention of her balking at the idea. That way, you can use this as a way to kick yourself in the ass to start the divorce proceedings. You should have done that a long time ago TBH.

I hope you realize that she has no incentive to stop screwing the OM until you get serious. By all means, go dark, but I wouldn't wait any longer. Start the divorce proceedings and refuse to speak to her while she gets served. TBH, with no kids in the picture, I'd never speak to the woman again. You can do better.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> She says that by refusing to see her in person until she's done with OM I'm not creating a good environment to come back to...ugh this is exhausting. Still I think she's afraid her cake eating days are ending.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her cake eating days are DONE unless you cave in to her. Be strong. Consider what you want and deserve. You deserve a wife who puts you and your wants above anyone else. You deserve to be happy, loved and respected.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He is neither loved or respected, and the more I read this thread I'm convinced that he niether loves or respects himself. Easy for any woman to fall out of love with such a man who holds himself to such low regard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

NotDoneYet said:


> She says that by refusing to see her in person until she's done with OM I'm not creating a good environment to come back to...ugh this is exhausting. Still I think she's afraid her cake eating days are ending.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you bend to her wishes,

I wouldn't be surprised if you post this a few months later...



NotDoneYet said:


> She says that by refusing to sleep in the same bed as OM and her, I'm not creating a good environment to come back to...ugh this is exhausting. Still I think she's afraid her cake eating days are ending.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The NC is absolutely non negotiable....


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Dont think the wife cares. She's the dominant one in the relationship. And if she wants another lover now, the husband better just be quiet and accept it. Otherwise her lover will leave and she wont be happy.

NotDoneYet, by what you are doing thus far, you have acquiesced. It's extremely difficult to see why your wife or any other women would have any genuine respect for you.

Have you tried individual counseling to see why you behave this way?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Its exhausting to sit on a fence trying to keep your balance when your are pulled in two directions.

Get off the fence, stay inside your boundaries and defend your space. 

It is much more peaceful in there.
i.e. Take a stand, go 180, stay dark, etc
Thats what these things are for.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

NotDoneYet said:


> She says that by refusing to see her in person until she's done with OM I'm not creating a good environment to come back to...ugh this is exhausting. Still I think she's afraid her cake eating days are ending.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not sure why you would want her back. Go dark and stop responding Start doing things for yourself. Start moving on. Fix yourself. Never deal from weakness.

Trust me you can do better and will if you go D. Get some exercise in. Eat well. Get some hobbies. Stop worring about her and start with you.


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