# False alarm but he broke my heart again



## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

Earlier today I was in the bathtub and started having what I thought was contractions.

My parents were working and my water didn't break so all I could do was time them to see if they were the real deal.

They hurt really bad and I had the phone with me, so the only person I could think of to call was my stbxh. I just needed someone to help me time them and talk me through them and I just wanted to talk to him.


He answered the phone and told me he didnt have a stopwatch or anything and that he was walking around town and wasn't home...but to call him if something important happens and he excused himself.

After 20 minutes they started getting very painful so I tried to call him again...and he ignored my call.



I needed him and he broke my heart...all I could do was sit in the bathtub and sob.




I finally got to the hospital and I wasn't in labor...but still...what the hell...was he really too busy to comfort and help his pregnant wife?

I don't understand what I did to deserve that treatment.. All I've done is love him


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I don't know if it's the anger or what...but I don't know if I love him anymore after that.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

abandonmentissues said:


> Earlier today I was in the bathtub and started having what I thought was contractions.
> 
> My parents were working and my water didn't break so all I could do was time them to see if they were the real deal.
> 
> ...


When real deal happens don't call him. You know where he stands. Labor is a very focused, emotional and private thing. I don't believe he is supportive and you'll be focused on him like you have been all along. You could have called your parents at work, MIL to name a few. By keep putting yourself in contact with him, you're just hurting yourself. He doesn't want it. Your focus on him is unhealthy. You do have control. Just stop it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I just wanted his support. That's all, he was the first one I thought of.

I tried to call MIL, she didnt answer(her husband died yesterday so she was probably making arrangements) my dad is out of state on business, and my mother works on the phone so they told me she would call me back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, your parents and let them know that you are starting labor... even if it's false right now. And put a plan in place where they can be supportive of you.

Stop calling him. He's being grossly selfish.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is there no one else? A friend?

You could come here and people here could help you out. Not quite the same as a voice. But maybe someone from here who you trust would even talk to you on the phone.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

This happened earlier today. Just got on the computer to vent about it.

Hospital checked and Im not in real labor yet.


He is now telling me that he didnt feel his phone vibrate and he doesn't want to deal with this drama right now.

I understand he is hurting but...am I not important too?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You will not have his support.

DO NOT call him again. What a jackass  I'm so sorry you had to deal with that.

When it is the real deal, don't bother him. Seriously, do you really want HIM at the birth and "helping" you for hours?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh, AI, this just makes me cry. I can't imagine how scared and alone you must have felt. You have every right in the world to be angry at him!!! And nobody would blame you if what he did -- both in not helping you during the first call, then again by not taking your later call -- killed any last bit of love you had left. 

I don't know what is the cause for his actions, but what counts is the way he's acting at this important time in his life, too -- he's about to become a father, and he's acting like an ass!! You need him, his baby needs him. He has not done anything lately to earn your continuing love, AI.

I'm curious -- what is it that you love about him? Are they qualities he showed a long time ago? What if that's not him anymore?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

HE doesn't want to deal with this 'DRAMA' -- my gawd, you're the one thinking you're about to give birth!!!

Please, AI -- listen to the others above. Put together a plan with your parents so that you can call them when the real labor starts. You thought of him first because you were hoping against evidence that hearing the baby was on the way would snap him out of what he's been doing. Now you know that won't happen.

You've got to take care of the two of you -- he won't.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

HE told me he didn't want to talk to anyone right now and told me to call his mom or something.


Then he told me he didn't know anything and wouldn't answer any question about our relationship. He just says he doesn't know.

I called him and told him I needed him and he talked to me for like 20 minutes, but only because I said please.
He kept asking me if I was finished and if I was done and he really just didn't want to talk to anyone.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

and angel:


When I met him he was so responsible. He was so affectionate and very understanding. He always put others first before himself and let himself be taken advantage of.

(Which is why his sudden selfish attitude is puzzling to everyone)

He is good looking, funny ,and we share many common interests. I'm always up to try things new with him as well.

He even asked my dad if he could date me, then later on asked him permission for my hand in marriage. He was such a gentlemen.


He has a good heart...he isn't showing it right now but he really does.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

People make time for things that are important to them. His actions are telling you that you and his unborn child are not important to him....sadly. 

personally, I think that you need to just leave him alone. Don't contact him...at all. I know it is so hard, because your love him....but you should have a plan in place with your parents or a friends when you go into labor. He is a piece of poop. You can't count on him...and frankly, his actions prove that he doesn't deserve to be a part of your birth plan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I know he is hurting from his dad. I just dont know whether to be concerned or angry anymore.


HE just tells me I dont know to everything or he wont answer at all...I dont get him.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

abandonmentissues said:


> I know he is hurting from his dad. I just dont know whether to be concerned or angry anymore.
> 
> 
> HE just tells me I dont know to everything or he wont answer at all...I dont get him.


I had an important ultrasound scheduled for the day after my mom died. I went. An ultrasound - not birth. Stop making excuses - he was a douche before his dad died. I bet if you caught MIL she would have been there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

All I know is that when I was in labor, I didn't want anyone around that would grate on my nerves. 

Good luck to you and your baby  It's a special time. Focus on that.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

he is obviously not the person he used to be. Is the person he is now someone you want to be with? He made it very clear he doesn't care about you. As much as that may hurt, I think you should focus 100% on you and your soon to be born baby.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

It's all been said so well by others here. I understand that his dad just died, but this is his pregnant wife and his soon-to-be-born baby. He doesn't want to deal with the drama now! Well you don't get a choice. Believe me, when you are actually in labor, you will need someone there who is totally focused on you and who cares about you. Don't rely on him because he will let you down. 

Hugs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is nothing that can put the sorrow of death in proper perspective than the birth of a baby. It's the circle of life.

IMHO, he should find a lot of peace in the birth of his child.. it can be a way to celebrate the life of his father.

So to me he makes no sense at all, even if there was a death.


Was the death of his father (step-father?) unexpected?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

And what was his attitude toward the baby before his dad passed?


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

Biological father. And he passed away from double pnemonia. He went into the hospital that night, then in thr morning he passed. I kind of saw it coming, but it was unexpected for him.



He was excited about the baby(we planned it) but the further along I got, the more distant he became and was "unhappy".


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## sugahoneyplum (Aug 7, 2012)

If he's being this way now chances are he may always be this way. I had a similar experience. My STBEX whom Im seperated from left me when I was pregnant twice after I suspected cheating. Both times he went to live with another chic. I begged him to come back both times the secod time he stayed gone til I was 4 months but when he returned I went through hell bc he knew I feared abandonment and being prego left me vulnerable. It was scary and lonely so I put up with a lot of emotional abuse, head games, cheating that I denied was happening cause I wasnt sstrong enough to cope with going through the pregnancy alone.....he knew it and took advantage of it. I regret now not putting my foot down and implimenting No Contact during that time. I could have saved myself years of missery during a time my daughter needed me and a time I needed support. The stress put me into preterm labor I had a premie with major problems in the NICU for 9 months which he was not really around to support me. Sure we lived together but he lived a double life. Looking back I wish I would have let him go then bc he never stopped cheating even when I thought he had Ive now discovered he hadnt and the last 4 years of my life has been a lie right down to our marriage last October....by April he left me for the other woman. LET HIM GO NOW!!!!! Save yourself the grief later. Focus on you and the baby. Lord knows its hard I know what you are going through. I went through it with my 1st husband too. Our 3rd child I went through the pregnancy and delivery without him. I promise you cant make him want to be there or care. Trying will only hurt you more. My daughter's father barely visited her in the hospital and hardly spent time with her when she came home hell he even left me for 3 mnths when she came home from hospital and now since he has left he hasn't seen her in 3 months. It hurts me so bad but like I said you cant make him care or love you or the baby and it only hurts you more to try. If you keep pushing it and he does come around he may resent you later. Let him come to you on his own....guys feel pressured and manipulated when it comes to babies even if it was there idea to have one. The last thing you want is for him to be with you because he feels obligated to do the right thing. Back off focus on you and the baby if he really loves you he will come around but it has to be his choice not something hes being pressured to do.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

AI, you have got to freeze this man out. I don't know what his deal is, but he is positively inhumane.

The more you contact him, the more you beg for reassurance, the crueler he will be. He will withdraw more. He is causing you great stress, which can harm the child. What kind of "man" does this to a pregnant woman? What kind of father can he possibly be to the baby?

I can only imagine how frightened and hurt you are, but you have got to find your anger and let it burn. Go cold on him, do not turn your heart toward him again.

Talk to the other people in your life, and get them lined up to assist with the birth. And when labor begins, do not call on this pathetic excuse for a human being to attend you. Do not even let him know it's happening.

The birth of your child should be a joyous occasion, and frankly, it's also a hell of a lot of work. Do not permit anyone to enter the room who is not 100% supportive. He will distract you. Your attention will be all on him and his reactions rather than on what you are experiencing. If he attempts to walk in, scream at him to get out. Have the hospital staff remove him. He does not deserve to be there.

Tell you what - I'll stand guard at your hospital door. And if this clown shows up I'll punch his lights out. Then I'll throw him out the window. I'm enraged for your sake. It's time for you to be enraged too.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Geez...this is heartbreaking!

I so vividly remember the end of both of my pregnancies. I had a lot of false labor exactly as you describe where each time I was so convinced it was the real thing. I can remember where I was mentally during that time too and it wasn't a good place. I felt very vulnerable and afraid to be alone, because I never knew when it was going to hit next.

And my real labor ended up being the same as the false labor. I ignored it for a long time until I realized this time I was actually having a baby and then I barely made it to the hospital!

You need to build a support system that does not include your husband. If I were you I would pick up and go stay with my parents or in laws now and until the baby was born to have supportive people around me when I was feeling worried or anxious. Those last weeks of waiting were the worst part for me. If you don't have a family network to lean on, please look into hiring a doula. A doula is basically a hired support person that is there for just this reason.

Once your baby is born I am betting your mind will be a little clearer and your focus will change from your constant thinking about your husband to thinking about the baby.

Its not too late to get yourself into IC either. You should really discuss this stuff with your OB, this is an incredibly amount of upheaval for a new mother to go through and your OB can refer you to a counselor who can watch you for PPD. Please take advantage of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

He is extremely angry at the world right now. And he has to work today and tomorrow so he can be off for the funeral. He is extremely tired because he was up half the night because I told him I might be in labor. (Turned out to be more false(but painful) labor) 


He isn't dealing with this well...and he is trying not to deal with it at all. And I really think the stress from starting back to school in a week, plus his dads passing, plus the arrival of the new baby anytime...its really screwing with his head.


Yes, he is being a ********* and I deserve better and he is a hot mess. But somehow, I feel like he is my ********* mess. I know him...and I will continue to be there, even if he hurts me. That may be weak and foolish...but I can handle it. I've been that way all of my life, being a lightening rod for people's anger...I have many examples. But when people need someone to blame or yell at, it's always been me. I'm really trying to not sound like a victim here. I have accepted this lot in life a longggg time ago.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

abandonmentissues said:


> He is extremely angry at the world right now. And he has to work today and tomorrow so he can be off for the funeral.
> 
> 
> He isn't dealing with this well...and he is trying not to deal with it at all. And I really think the stress from starting back to school in a week, plus his dads passing, plus the arrival of the new baby anytime...its really screwing with his head.


Well even with all of that, there is no excuse for his behavior.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Well even with all of that, there is no excuse for his behavior.


and I understand that as well. It's hard when the one's you love screw up and you feel like you have to make excuses for them...and I know I cant really make any for him right now.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I used to make excuses like that for my ex's bad behavior too. One day, though,I finally realized how absurd those excuses were. There really is no defense for his behavior. None.

I understand that he is having a tough time right now...geez. But look at you! What he is doing to you is inexcusable
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, good luck then. I really don't know what to say. You are ok with being his emotional punching bag, so...ok. Why exactly did you post? I'm not trying to be rude, but, if you are "ok" with the situation and him being this way, why did you post?

Obviously you are NOT ok with it. You just try to make yourself believe you are. Someday you'll stand up and say NO MORE. But until then, this will be your life.

I've lost 3 people in the past 5 years. Two dads (bio and step) and a gramma. I didn't become a butthole and treat my family like crap. I don't know many that do.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

Once upon a time I was depressed and useless to him and he didn't leave. I feel like I owe him the same respect.

I don't find your post rude at all.

I guess I posted because I am lost in this as well. Yes I am pregnant and yes I was left. But I am also trying to deal with a death of father figure(he always treated me like his own) and I am trying to deal with a grieving husband and most likely a scared father to be.

I guess I am just overwhelmed and was looking for support other than "leave the ******* in the dirt".


I am being hit with like a triple/quadruple whammy over here.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Well, good luck then. I really don't know what to say. You are ok with being his emotional punching bag, so...ok. Why exactly did you post? I'm not trying to be rude, but, if you are "ok" with the situation and him being this way, why did you post?
> 
> Obviously you are NOT ok with it. You just try to make yourself believe you are. Someday you'll stand up and say NO MORE. But until then, this will be your life.
> 
> *I've lost 3 people in the past 5 years. Two dads (bio and step) and a gramma. I didn't become a butthole and treat my family like crap. I don't know many that do.*



I don't turn into butthole either...but when my dad lost his dad...he became a guiltstricken *******. And I know many MEN in my family inclusing stbxh and his brother that do lash out or become withdrawn.

I guess I have just experienced many different types of grieving.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Yes..people do grieve differently. However, your husbands behavior was inexcusable before the death I of his father. You are using his perceived grief as an excuse. One day, I hope you will see this and be a better advocate for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I dont know, I should just say eff him.

I know what you guys are saying is true.

But I feel for him, because if he was having issues before, he is def. having issues now.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I guess. It doesn't mean you have to take it. You are pregnant, ready to give birth. Negative emotions do effect all of that.

Your husband is being a jerk, grieving or not. 

I have known men when grieving. Yea, they withdraw, but they are there when it's important. That's what men do. Your husband left you while pregnant. You are making soooo many excuses for him  He's scared, he's grieving, he's angry, whatever. I couldn't trust a man like that...someone who doesn't have my back. You two are a team, right? Isn't that how it should be? And now he's ignoring you while you think you're in labor.

Much luck and enlightenment to you. It just sounds like a bad situation. I hope once labor comes, it's not full of this drama. I hope you get some peace.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But you need therapy to deal with the abandonment issues. I had major ones and had to deal with them. Much better now. But until you deal with whatever it is that makes you stay with someone like this, you will never be liberated from it.

It's emotional abuse.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I can't wait for this baby to actually be here and I am in therapy dealing with it.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

abandonmentissues said:


> I don't turn into butthole either...but when my dad lost his dad...he became a guiltstricken *******. And I know many MEN in my family inclusing stbxh and his brother that do lash out or become withdrawn.
> 
> I guess I have just experienced many different types of grieving.


So you still want him. Every act - every 'show of love and support' you show him turns him off and makes him dislike you more. I've been there. The person was being decent in their intent, though slightly manipulative to spend time with me. And it didn't make me realize how awesome they were. It made my skin crawl. And every text or email or phone call - I would ignore, avoid all while muttering to myself, 'fvck off already'.
I was a douche and they weren't bad people, just not for me. Had they backed off, maybe I could have re-found the reason why I once cared about them. But every contact, every clinging word just grated on my every nerve. If you love him - respect him enough to do as he asks - leave him alone. You certainly aren't getting him back when every contact from you leaves him muttering to himself, 'just leave me alone'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

That makes sense.^^


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

This is not normal. It isn't. I know. My husband did this same thing to me when I was pregnant. I made excuses for him to. I tried to understand what he was going through. In the process though, I neglected myself and I feel like I sort of missed out on the first few months of my sons life because I was so focused on the needs of my husband.

You don't need to say "eff". But I think it would be best too just ignore him and surround yourself with people who are there for you. You are trying to take care of him and his grief. That is not healthy. Focus on you. Stick up for your needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

Maybe I should just step away and just let everything go.

It's going to be hard because I am attending the funeral(MIL really wants me there and I can't push her away just b/c her son is acting like an asshat.) But everything else...I just need to let go.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Do you know what else you can do in the short term, AI ? You can just 'park' it all by which I mean decide nothing, do nothing, just leave it all alone to come back to later.

Right now you have a bigger responsibility to your unborn child than to anyone else to give her a safe and healthy arrival. I read into it that you are hoping that her birth will change him and you're hanging on, trying to do the right thing, to give the best chance of that happening. But you're let down every step of the way.

Accept he won't be there for the birth and choose who will support you instead. At this late stage with nothing resolved I think you would be wrong to have him there. Let your child be born into an uncomplicated loving roomful and deal with the rest later.

If he wanted anything from you due to bereavement, he would come to you - he doesn't.

My doctor gave me this advice, to deal with life in small sections for a while and to take the unnecessary stress of feeling an urgent need to be decisive in all things straight away. It is helping.

When your child is with you , I promise you the whole world will change for you. Why not wait til then and see what your choices are ?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> Once upon a time I was depressed and useless to him and he didn't leave. I feel like I owe him the same respect.
> 
> I don't find your post rude at all.
> 
> ...


You shouldn't be made to feel that way. You posted because you were/are looking for support. And you need it.

I totally understand your feelings for your husband. Mine was stressed too and responded by leaving. I understand his state of mind, but bottom line, he is a *******, but like you, I feel he is my ********. 

Whatever you feel towards him, they are your feelings. And they are legitimate. 

You mentioned in an earlier post that you are in IC. Keep going. A new baby is not a walk in the park. As much as you will love him/her, s/he will bring new stresses. And, because of everything else going on in your life, you are at risk for PPD. 

Try to take care of yourself. And do keep posting here. We do care about you.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

The biggest thing to realize, AI, is that even if he is dealing with depressive illness right now, he is still responsible for taking care of himself. You can be supportive of his self-care, but you cannot sacrifice either yourself or your baby (who is the truly helpless innocent one in all of this) for him. 

I'd recommend a blog and a book that you might want to read some time in the future to help maybe get a little understanding about living with a spouse with depression. I've done it (and been one) and it's so easy to lose yourself in their illness. The book is:

How You Can Survive When They're Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout (free preview also on Amazon) It was originally issued under the name Depression Fallout, and I was able to get it from my library, too.

The blog is called Storied Mind. It is very sensitively written by a man who dealt with deep depression that even led to him leaving his wife for a while. This is the link to the section on relationships.

Nobody here is trying to be tough on you. It's very hard not to get angry when we see someone we care about being treated so badly. I think we're all just going 'Mama Bear' on him and it comes out angry at you. If that's the way I've sounded, I'm sorry.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> The biggest thing to realize, AI, is that even if he is dealing with depressive illness right now, he is still responsible for taking care of himself. You can be supportive of his self-care, but you cannot sacrifice either yourself or your baby (who is the truly helpless innocent one in all of this) for him.
> 
> I'd recommend a blog and a book that you might want to read some time in the future to help maybe get a little understanding about living with a spouse with depression. I've done it (and been one) and it's so easy to lose yourself in their illness. The book is:
> 
> ...


Angel pixie, thank you for the link to Storied Mind. It looks like a very helpful site. my husband and I both suffer from depression, but I hadn't really thought about his leaving in that context. I've bookmarked the site so that I can explore it further.

And I know you were just trying to help AI. Are we okay?


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

Of course I'm okay with everyone lol. I'm not mad at anybody. 

I really do thank you all for the help and advice. 

I decided to just put everything on hold...you know until the baby is born and then deal with everything.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

abandonmentissues said:


> Of course I'm okay with everyone lol. I'm not mad at anybody.
> 
> I really do thank you all for the help and advice.
> 
> I decided to just put everything on hold...you know until the baby is born and then deal with everything.


Good plan. Your focus is in the right place.

Is he going to support you hand the baby financially?


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

Yeah, well he is supposed to lol. But again, no worrying or me until after birth.


Everything will fall into place afterwards.


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