# Husband doesn't want a child...what to do?



## Femme_femme (Sep 23, 2021)

Hi all. I am new to this forum as I am seeking some advice regarding my situation, please. I am 38 and my husband is 44. We married 6 months ago. He says that he doesn't want a baby. He keeps saying different things, but ultimately, it seems like he just doesn't want kids. He first claimed that if I want to have a child, I should first drop at least 20 lbs as he fears that with pregnancy, I will gain more weight and stay that way, which is his biggest fear. He has an issue with my weight. I am not fat, but do have extra weight. I am 5'8 around 170 lbs. He said that he doesn't want a kid, but if I lose weight, and do as he wishes (losing the weight), then he can give me what I want, which is a baby. 

The next day he says that he doesn't want to get stuck with the child support until old age and work day and night just to support a kid who most likely won't give a $hit about him when he gets old and he doesn't want to waste his remaining life on a child if we end up divorcing later. He told me that knowing you (me), I know that you will use every opportunity to $uck every penny out of me LOL. Mind you that I do not take his money, so I don't know where such an amazing opinion of me comes from. He had 3 siblings who, on the deathbed of his mom, didn't want to take care of her, and he was the one forced to change his mom's diapers and wash her and clothe her when she was paralyzed while his sisters didn't do much and lived their own family lives. His brother, who was supposed to take care of their mom as well, wanted to get his mom's money and move to a different country at that time as that brother kept saying that he doesn't want to waste his life taking care of the sick mother. 

My husband was the one who did the work until she died some years ago. So because of the idea that your kids might not even give a $**** about you at the end based on his own family experience, he has a negative outlook on children and doesn't want to waste money on paying the potential child support and living for a kid instead for himself. Well, I do not plan to waste the remaining few years (if even that) of my fertility at this point so I feel like I really need to have a child as I am the only child myself and I also got two supportive parents who will help me out in case I decide to pursue it alone. I know tons of women who didn't get a chance to have a child or didn't want to but regretted the decision by the time they reached 50. I know that if I wait and I no longer have my own parents around, it's going to be tough or maybe even impossible to have a child without their support and without a partner either. My parents also will be very sad if they do not have a grandchild, so my side of the family is looking forward to it except for my husband. 

He even said that he is willing to have a child IF I sign a form where I basically say that I will not hold him financially liable/responsible for our child in case of a divorce. As far as I know, doesn't the court decide the amount for child support regardless of what I sign? I also think that I will want to have two instead of just one, as I already know that I would have wanted a sibling. So it's like he isn't against having a child but it's the consequence of divorce that he is scared of if there's a child in the middle. On the other hand, he is going to be the father, so how is a baby not his responsibility even if we divorce, for example, and why should only a mother take care of it? When I ask him this, he says that it's because you are the only one who wants that child (the hypothetical child obviously as I'm not pregnant). He also mentioned that he doesn't want to get involved like changing diapers, not getting his sleep by waking up in the middle of the night for a child. He says that if I want the child, then I should be ready to take care of it myself as he won't be doing any of that but will financially support us as a family while together and will spend time with the baby but that's until a divorce. 

I am very conflicting right now as I do not want to be wasting any time anymore and since I also don't have the time to be looking for another marriage/relationship, I feel like saying 'screw this, I'm using a sperm bank' and file for divorce to pursue my plans of having a child until it's not too late. When I told him this, he is even ok with such an arrangement saying that at least if I know it's not my kid, but we are still together he will love the child, but upon divorce, I can't hold him responsible for a baby that isn't his biologically. He then claims that "it seems that you only want a child, but not me" and keeps manipulating me with such a phrase as if I have put aside my wish to have a child just so that I will show him that he is more important to me than having a baby with him and stay with him. As a woman, I am conflicted right now and wanted to ask for some advice from men as well. If he had a child already prior to me, I would understand, but he had a wife in the past who got pregnant, and he asked her to get an abortion, and she did, but she already had another son from her previous marriage, so she still had one. 

He also says that he doesn't want to leave me nor wants me to kick him out as he loves me and wants me to be with him and feels like him and I together are a whole without a baby in the middle. He says that if I loved him, I wouldn't leave him to have a baby on my own and would be scared to lose him but I do not value him if I pick a baby over him.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did you talk about this before you married him?


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Well if you don't want to keep wasting time, then end your relationship and find someone else to have a child with (if you can).


----------



## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Shouldn't you have discussed having children before you got married?
I wouldn't have married anyone who wasn't prepared to have my children.
I thought having children was the whole purpose of marriage.

My advice is generally no good (before any other posters point out my failings),
But if I were you I'd just go ahead and try for a baby without any further discussion (cheaper than a sperm bank).
If you can't have children, it won't matter.
If you do have a child, at least you've fulfilled yourself, every woman should be given the chance to have children, and maybe he'll change his mind, if he leaves you'll still have your baby.

Be aware,
Some men have already had a vasectomy and don't tell their new wife.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Femme_femme said:


> He also says that he doesn't want to leave me nor wants me to kick him out as he loves me


He has a strange way of showing his love for you. You married this chap to have a baby before it's too late. It looks like your plan has failed. Move one. You can always have a one night stand... better than this idiot of a man you married.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Why didn't you have a kid in your previous 20+ years of fertility?


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

At your ages this all should have been discussed BEFORE you married. he doesn't want kids. You do. So now you have a choice to make. Divorce or be childless. Do not force him into fatherhood. He's far too self-centered & money oriented to be a good dad. Not everybody is cut out for parenthood.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

having a child is a HUGE change to the relationship. Unless you talked about this and he agreed to having kids BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED, then let this one lie. He does not want a kid, and feels so strongly about it, he might divorce you if you got pregnant against his wishes.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You are at the end of your fertility. Yes, yes, I know. Women have babies into their 40's and some even into their 50's. However, that is the rare exception and not the rule. Additionally, the longer you wait the more dangerous it is for you and baby. With age women's chances of conceiving and being able to produce the hormones required to carry decreases. The chances of miscarriage, pregnancy complications, and fetal abnormalities increases.

Frankly, you don't have time to wait around. And your husband knows this. He's playing the "when you do XYZ I'll give you what you want" game to run out the clock.




Femme_femme said:


> He says that he doesn't want a baby. He keeps saying different things, but ultimately, it seems like he just doesn't want kids.


He doesn't want a baby. He'll say whatever to keep you on the hook until it's too late because, ultimately, he's selfish and manipulative.



Femme_femme said:


> He has an issue with my weight. I am not fat, but do have extra weight.


So, uhh, why did you marry someone who has a problem with your perfectly normal weight?



Femme_femme said:


> He even said that he is willing to have a child IF I sign a form where I basically say that I will not hold him financially liable/responsible for our child in case of a divorce.


"I'll let you have this kind you want so bad, but not if I have to actually, ya know, be a father to it or in any real way responsible for it."

In case of a divorce he doesn't want to pay to support his own child. What a POS. I suppose he'd drop the kid off with your elderly parents in the event of your death? Maybe he'd just keep it around, provide the bare minimum, and basically neglect it instead?

My own mother unexpectedly died at 44. Heart failure. I was just turning 21. She died the day before my birthday. My siblings were 10 and 12. I've lost friends in their 30's and 40's to cancer, complications due to diabetes, accidents, and on. All of them have minor children when they died. Life is not guaranteed. Is this the kind of man you'd want to raise your baby if the worst happens?



Femme_femme said:


> but we are still together he will love the child,


Bullpucky. He doesn't want a kid. He isn't willing to be fully responsible for a kid. He wouldn't love his own child, much less someone else's. Because love is a verb. It's something you do. Children require sacrifice. Time, energy (physical and mental), money, and lifestyle being the primary sacrifices made when parenting. He'd be a crap parent.

Also, someone needs to tell him
A) any child born while you're legally married is legally his child unless you go through the court, prove another man father via DNA testing, have him removed from the birth record, and have the actual father added. In cases where the actual father is unable to be located the judge can decide "in the best interest of the child" and leave your husband listed as father with all rights and responsibilities.

And B) you cannot sign away child support nor can he get out of it by signing away parental rights unless someone else is legally adopting the child. Child support is the right of the child and the court will enforce that right.



Femme_femme said:


> He then claims that "it seems that you only want a child, but not me"


Well, hell, as described I can't figure out why you'd want him at all. Is this ill advised marriage the result of you being desperate to marry and have kids at your age or something?

If you want to stay married to this man, cool. You do you. But don't bring a child into it. That would be cruel to the child.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If he said he wanted children before you married then he married you under false pretences. Either way he would clearly be a terrible father and he is also clearly a terrible husband. 

You have to choose between staying with this looser or ending the marriage and going it alone. 
It's possible that you could meet someone else in time, but if you are desperate you may have to go it alone. 

I do know lots of people who had children in their late 30's and early 40's but you haven't got time to wait around.


----------



## scottlarm (Sep 23, 2021)

Convince him


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If you get pregnant he will just resent you forever. Your wasting your time. You sound like a bad planner to me. You waited until the near last opportunity in life to get pregnant and shotgun married a jerk to try and get it done.

You are crazy if you think your husband will be happy about having a baby. It’s a 100% divorce guarantee.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

on the potentially positive side, a lot of men who THOUGHT they did not want children, turn to mush and get all lovie dovie when they see their first kid.

it is only a year later when the little monster starts running around uncontrollably and screaming that they remember "Oh yeah, i did NOT want to have kids".


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

First you two really should have discussed children before you got married. Second if you did whoever is changing their tune is not being fair. 

Third Dump him. He isn't loving toward you. He won't be loving toward a child. Even if you decide not to have a child this isn't a person you want to spend the rest of your life with is it? Imagine what will happen if you gain weight or if you get sick or anything not on his 'list' of how you should be.

I'd rather go this alone with carefully selected sperm than a man who is jerking me around like this.
There are women who choose not to have children but this seems important to you.

Don't sign anything because you shouldn't have children with this man. If they aren't going to be born to two loving parents they should at least be born with one loving parent and an anonymous donor versus one who sounds like honestly he'd resent them. He'll blame the kids if you gain weight. He'll blame them for being expensive which they are. For losing sleep. For your lower sex drive and his mantra for their whole life will be you take care of them... You wanted them not me.


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

He told you the truth when asked about it (7 months too late btw). Its pretty cut and dry, either live with it or go trap the next guy. 
Yes he is being cold about it but I imagine the timing would have pissed most people off something fierce.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You’d think this kind of attitude and mentality would slam women’s legs together so hard and fast we would all go deaf from the shockwaves. 

I’m not sure why you agreed to a 2nd date with guy if you were wanting kids but that is neither here now there now. 

A lot of nosey old aunts and grandmothers and church ladies will tell you that once you have a baby and he holds it in his arms that he will fall in love with it and be magically transformed into this loving and supportive father. 

I am here to tell you this is ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE!!!! 

At best he will be an absentee father that begrudgingly pays the bills but otherwise has nothing to do with the kid. 

He will likely be very resentful and bitter about the change in his lifestyle, the financial burdens of child rearing and your time and energies being shifted towards the child. 

As he is particularly self centered and borderline emotionally abusive now, there is not an unreasonable concern he may even turn abusive towards you and maybe even abuse or dangerously neglect of the child if left in his care. 

Most men are not really father material. Some do come to bond with the child and learn over time how to be decent care givers. 

But This guy is at the far end of the spectrum to where he would not just be a less than ideal father, but he would likely be toxic and abusive and at best would simply walk away never to be seen or heard from again. 

You need to stay away from this man’s sperm as humanly possible. 

If you want to have a child and you want that child to be raised in a two-parent home with a loving and supportive father, You’re simply going to have to find someone else.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Sometimes I just have to shake my head in amazement.

At no time in human history have women had more ability and free will to choose their own mates.

At no time or place in human history have women had more autonomy or financial independence and ability to choose their own path. 

.......and this is what full grown, mature women who want children are picking????? 

Somebody poke me to make sure I’m awake and not actually dreaming this.


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> You’d think this kind of attitude and mentality would slam women’s legs together so hard and fast we would all go deaf from the shockwaves.
> 
> I’m not sure why you agreed to a 2nd date with guy if you were wanting kids but that is neither here now there now.
> 
> ...


Or maybe, just maybe he is pissed that she would wait until 6 months after marriage to drop this HUGE thing on his head. I have a feeling it would negatively effect most peoples attitudes for at least some time. I think most people are cutting this guy no slack. He probably feels as if he was sold a false set of goods and wasn't made aware of it until after she had him where she wanted him.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This guy is a whackadoodle too.

He’s not a whackadoodle about not wanting kids and not wanting the change in lifestyle or the financial burdens of child rearing at 44. Deep down, most men probably don’t.

He’s a whackadoodle for marrying some gal in her mid 30s with a rip roaring case of Baby Rabies. 

Was one or the other lying their azz off and pulling off academy award level future faking???

How did these two make it through the first date with such polar opposite views on one of the most important aspects of our lives?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

uphillbattle said:


> Or maybe, just maybe he is pissed that she would wait until 6 months after marriage to drop this HUGE thing on his head. I have a feeling it would negatively effect most peoples attitudes for at least some time. I think most people are cutting this guy no slack. He probably feels as if he was sold a false set of goods and wasn't made aware of it until after she had him where she wanted him.


As I said in my other post, was one of them just lying their azz off and future faking with everything they had? 

Or were they both just making sweeping assumptions and forcing themselves to as blissfully ignorant as humanly possible?

How else did this make it to the second date?

There were full grown adults and not drunken 19 year olds at a frat house party. 

How does this even happen???


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> As I said in my other post, was one of them just lying their azz off and future faking with everything they had?
> 
> Or were they both just making sweeping assumptions and forcing themselves to as blissfully ignorant as humanly possible?
> 
> ...


While reading the op I got the picture of Admiral Ackbar yelling IT'S A TRAP. Maybe that colored how I viewed the remainder of the post. If I got into the relationship at the ages that they did I would think it would be a fair assumption that kids were not wanted. If she wanted kids and didn't bring it up until after they married I have a hard time believing it wasn't calculated.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

oldshirt said:


> Sometimes I just have to shake my head in amazement.
> 
> At no time in human history have women had more ability and free will to choose their own mates.
> 
> ...


Yep. When they're lied to in their 20's that they have plenty of time so focus on fun and career. Then at 30, they realize they need to get serious about settling down. All it takes is a few guys to not commit and bam! They're 38. The biological clock is striking midnight. Now their dating pool is divorced dads who probably don't want another baby, and never married's who if they'd wanted kids would have done so before now.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

oldshirt said:


> This guy is a whackadoodle too.
> 
> He’s not a whackadoodle about not wanting kids and not wanting the change in lifestyle or the financial burdens of child rearing at 44. Deep down, most men probably don’t.
> 
> ...


He's whackadoodle on a few levels. At 44 how does he not understand how child support work?!


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Sounds like your husband is a real winner. Sounds like he duped you into marrying him by bs'ing who he is. I'd say since wanting children is a big non-negotiable, you should definitely divorce him. Not only should you divorce him b/c he doesn't want kids and you do, but he's just an a**hole. I mean that in the nicest way. Good luck


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Femme_femme said:


> Ok so I see that there's some bitter people here. I married a man who wanted kids, got married and immediately changed his mind. Why would I marry someone if he didn't want the kids from the get go?! My pot was about the fact that NOW he doesn't want it. Stop with your nonsense please.


That post wasn't about you directly, but responding to oldshirt.

So you did have the conversation before marriage? You were clear that you wanted a child, and he was clear he agreed before the wedding?

I mean, he's allowed to change his mind. He's under no obligation to go through with it. And you're allowed to leave him and look for other options. You're under no obligation to stay childless if that's your priority.

I do sympathize with your situation. He dropped quite a bombshell 6mos into your marriage.

Other thought ... would the two of you be open to adoption?


----------



## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

I think you are seeing the real him now. Living with someone who is that controlling about your weight is just a recipe for unhappiness.. I witnessed my dad and mom go through this. Having a baby will indeed put on weight.. you can lose it after but you will gain. Plus he will always be the dad to the child.. whether he wants it or not. It is too bad that he seems to not want to be a father.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Femme_femme said:


> I married a man who wanted kids, got married and immediately changed his mind. My pot was about the fact that NOW he doesn't want it.


He didn’t change his mind.

One does not go from wanting kids to wanting you to sign papers absolving him of any paternal support in the likely event of divorce. 

And one certainly does not go from wanting kids to making it contingent on you losing weight. 

If he told you to your face that he wanted kids prior to marrying you, that was an outright lie and IMHO is nothing less than fraud. 

If he said he wanted kids prior to marriage, he lied and you were duped and manipulated by a fraud and con man. 

You can be mad at us if you don’t like what we are saying or how we are saying it, but it won’t change the fact that If you want a happy, healthy, two-parent family with a loving and supportive husband and father, it is going to have to be with someone else. 

He is not the slightest bit father material and is likely not even a decent person. 

You’re probably going to end up divorced whether you have kids with him or not at some point because he doesn’t even sound like a decent person to even be around and he will likely leave you if you don’t leave him first. 

So your options are keep fighting about this with him and keep trying to negotiate which will result in one of two things- you have a child with a man that does not have one paternal cell in his body that will likely leave and not pay any support. 

- or you fight about it for a few more years and he leaves or you kick him out and you still don’t have any kids and you are a few more years older.

Or you can cut your losses and leave now and find hopefully find someone that is father material and does want kids.


----------



## Femme_femme (Sep 23, 2021)

I'm looking into using a sperm bank as an option right now. I can always date or marry in the future, but not until I concentrate on what I want at my age. Has anyone gone through this route of having a child or did you guys all have children from marriage/partners? Just wondering...


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Femme_femme said:


> I'm looking into using a sperm bank as an option right now. I can always date or marry in the future, but not until I concentrate on what I want at my age.


If you go the sperm donor route first, just be aware the dating market for marriage/LTR will get a whole lot tougher with a young child in tow. 

And having a child via artificial insemination will tell any potential mates that you do not value the paternal role of a flesh and blood father in home very much.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Femme_femme said:


> I'm looking into using a sperm bank as an option right now. I can always date or marry in the future, but not until I concentrate on what I want at my age. Has anyone gone through this route of having a child or did you guys all have children from marriage/partners? Just wondering...


So you're filing for divorce then? Because, if not, even considering getting pregnant with a donor or your current husband is just wrong. It's wrong for him. It's wrong for you. And it's wrong for the child.

Get your life as sorted as possible before trying to conceive. At least get the divorce filed and yourself set up in a decent place to live. Trust me, newly pregnant is a shyte time to have to visit lawyers, find a place to live, pack, move, unpack, and get set up. Late pregnant is even worse because you're huge, exhausted, sore from lugging around the kiddo, and may go into pre-term labor without so much as a cradle set up. 



oldshirt said:


> If you go the sperm donor route first, just be aware the dating market for marriage/LTR will get a whole lot tougher with a young child in tow.
> 
> And having a child via artificial insemination will tell any potential mates that you do not value the paternal role of a flesh and blood father in home very much.


I'd have agreed in the past, when the majority started adult life and families younger, but now I'm not so sure. Men in their 40's seem to go 1 of 2 ways. Either they're divorcing with young kids they had in their late 30's and don't mind a young kid around or they're past raising their own young kids/never had kids and do not want a young kid around. It


----------



## Femme_femme (Sep 23, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> So you're filing for divorce then? Because, if not, even considering getting pregnant with a donor or your current husband is just wrong. It's wrong for him. It's wrong for you. And it's wrong for the child.
> 
> Get your life as sorted as possible before trying to conceive. At least get the divorce filed and yourself set up in a decent place to live. Trust me, newly pregnant is a shyte time to have to visit lawyers, find a place to live, pack, move, unpack, and get set up. Late pregnant is even worse because you're huge, exhausted, sore from lugging around the kiddo, and may go into pre-term labor without so much as a cradle set up.



I own two homes mortgage-free and also have money so I dont worry about the financial aspect of having a baby. Will file for divorce soon while I explore options for sperm banks.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Femme_femme said:


> I own two homes mortgage-free and also have money so I dont worry about the financial aspect of having a baby. Will file for divorce soon while I explore options for sperm banks.


It's not the finances so much as the logistics. Pregnancy brain is real! Hormones do a number on both your mind and your body. Some women carry like it's nothing while others feel so much exhaustion and nausea and brain fog they struggle to function at all. You never know how it will go for you. Every pregnancy is different.

With you being an older first time mother you really want as much set up and ready as possible. You want to reduce stress and ensure your comfort. You want things set just in case you end up on restrictions or have the kid early. I wouldn't say do a nursery the second the test comes back positive, but at least be moved in and have the house set up before then.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Femme_femme said:


> I own two homes mortgage-free and also have money so I dont worry about the financial aspect of having a baby. Will file for divorce soon while I explore options for sperm banks.


I'd certainly divorce him. He married you under false pretenses and it's a big false pretense. He knew at the time he didn't want kids. You are really pushing the envelope for your own healthy child. The older the eggs the higher risk of defects.

I think it's shame he wasted your time from the moment you brought the topic up to after the marriage.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I know a lady who had a kid using a sperm bank. After her kid was in the ICU for a week where they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him she told my wife and I that maybe we had the right idea (no kids). Other than that, she seems happy with it.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Sometimes I just have to shake my head in amazement.
> 
> At no time in human history have women had more ability and free will to choose their own mates.
> 
> ...



Most of us are far more picky.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Femme_femme said:


> I think the only jerk is you in here with your abusive comments. I obviously wouldn't marry someone who didn't want a child. He wanted it, once we married he changed his tune, so no need for your dumba$$ nasty comments here and insults about what a 38-year-old woman should be like. Get lost, please. No one was making assumptions, so stop commenting because reading your won comments you seem no less abusive than my husband.


That was very cruel of him to lie about something so very important. That alone is enough to end the marriage.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> He married you under false pretenses and it's a big false pretense. He knew at the time he didn't want kids.


I agree.

This is not a case of getting cold feet or some kind of change of heart. 

IMHO this was intentional deception and marital fraud. 

Not only is it grounds for immediate divorce but also annulment and maybe even legal action for recovery of wedding and marital expenses. 

Going from saying you want kids to asking to sign papers waiving child support and paternal involvement is not a change of heart.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Most of us are far more picky.


If what she is saying is true where he was telling her he wanted kids prior to marriage and is saying all this stuff now, that is not a matter of not being picky enough - it is deception and fraud on his part.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Why would you even consider staying with this cold-blooded monster? All he cares about is one thing and that is your body and only if it meets his standards. He'll be a horrible father and you'll end up doing everything. In the end you'll end up losing him anyway because he's going to chase younger women. Dump this clown. You'd be better off having a child alone than with him.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

MJJEAN said:


> I'd have agreed in the past, when the majority started adult life and families younger, but now I'm not so sure. Men in their 40's seem to go 1 of 2 ways. Either they're divorcing with young kids they had in their late 30's and don't mind a young kid around or they're past raising their own young kids/never had kids and do not want a young kid around. It


To be fair, 38 now, at best 40 with a newborn. It will be 4-5 years before serious dating is really possible. At 44, the dating market will be primarily men 48+. They are HIGHLY likely to be divorced, with older kids of their own and not really interested in going through the elementary years again. They are looking at their kids' college years, and preparing for retirement. I'm sure casual dates would be fairly easy to get, but as a single mother of a 5-year-old with no father in the picture, getting commitment? That is going to be a much harder sell.

If OP wants to do this, more power to her. But do it with eyes open. There is a very high likelihood that you will raise the child alone.


----------



## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> A lot of nosey old aunts and grandmothers and church ladies will tell you that once you have a baby and he holds it in his arms that he will fall in love with it and be magically transformed into this loving and supportive father.
> 
> I am here to tell you this is ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE!!!!


No disrespect, but there are many of us dads, who had strong reservations regarding kids, that....*in fact did do a complete 180* after the birth of our kids....You just can't say this with that much conviction...Those little old aunts and grannies aren't all wrong...MY kid is easily the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life and would never change anything at this point......And I have had a pretty interesting life..

In all fairness he could also be just as you say.,,,that is possible...

Anyway...here is my .02

Give him some credit for honesty...He may be blunt or insensitive, but he is laying all his cards on the table..Most guys will stall this topic forever and dodge and gaslight...

If he told you he would have children and now is flipping the script, then that's a pretty egregious foul...Most women would send guys packing if they change their mind on this topic...

Let me only say this about kids and what people think they are capable of....

I have always contended that 35 is about the end of the line for age of having kids...Many women would disagree, and yeah, I know there are women in their later years having kids... IMO, They aren't really thinking it over fully....Ok...this is what I am talking about, and this is coming from someone that was around a lot of later years parents that thought they were up to it...

-you think you can chase a rambunctious kid around when you are in mid/late 40's and up? And don't forget, now many of these people work full time as well....So when you are dead tired and want to rest, your kid is wanting to do stuff... I remember the days when on group family holidays it was only me that was doing physical stuff with my kid, while most of the others sat around in beach chairs with their bad knees and bad backs, etc...

All I am saying is that kids, if you want to raise them properly, take time, money, energy, physical fitness, etc...Most people at that age are on the way down....some are already down by that point...

He also does bring up a valid point..

He is mid 40's....Let's say he's 46 or so when the first kid arrives...He may be paying child support, buying cars, and putting kids through college when he is 70+...Sure, no one thinks divorce when early in a marriage, but there is a good likelihood that will happen...

Do whatever suits you, but both of you are late in the game, especially him...Its tougher than you probably think it is...

Good luck and best wishes...


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

a profile:
I had just turned 32 when my youngest child was born, he is my only son. When I turned 44 I got involved in scouting. He was 11 and just starting. I slept in tents, I spent weeks and weekends away from my wife and older daughters. We traveled together, we adventured together, and served together, We learned and grew together. For 10 years. It was the greatest period of my life, and nothing will ever come close to replacing it. But, I'm about to turn 56 and those opportunities are past.

I'm overweight and diabetic I don't heal fast enough to keep up with that lifestyle. I hope I live long enough to see him become a master electrician. It's the Trade equivalent of a PhD. Who knows how fast he will work towards it. He is still an apprentice. He can't work independently as a journeyman yet. He is not yet sure he wants to have children. My Daughters either don't want, or in one case can't have children.

I don't believe in pushing my kids to have kids that is their decision. For me it was good. But I / we stopped before 35. You can see how different my life would be if we hadn't started until 38 - 44.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> If what she is saying is true where he was telling her he wanted kids prior to marriage and is saying all this stuff now, that is not a matter of not being picky enough - it is deception and fraud on his part.


Yes agreed. He also sounds like an awful husband anyway.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

hamadryad said:


> No disrespect, but there are many of us dads, who had strong reservations regarding kids, that....*in fact did do a complete 180* after the birth of our kids....You just can't say this with that much conviction...Those little old aunts and grannies aren't all wrong...MY kid is easily the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life and would never change anything at this point......And I have had a pretty interesting life..
> 
> In all fairness he could also be just as you say.,,,that is possible...
> 
> ...


There are a lot of parents older than mid 30's who do a fab job. One of my good friends had twins age 40. Was a really good mum. My step mum had my half brother when she was 40, he is now in his 20's and great. It's pretty common now to have children at that age and older. Most seem to manage fine. 

His age isn't relevant as he doesn't want them.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

hamadryad said:


> No disrespect, but there are many of us dads, who had strong reservations regarding kids, that....*in fact did do a complete 180* after the birth of our kids....You just can't say this with that much conviction...Those little old aunts and grannies aren't all wrong...MY kid is easily the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life and would never change anything at this point......And I have had a pretty interesting life..
> 
> In all fairness he could also be just as you say.,,,that is possible...


Did you tell your wife that you would only agree to father a child if she lost weight and would agree to waive her right to child support and any paternal contact with the child? 

Yes I know very few men have a burning desire to have kids and then end up loving them and being an involved father when they arrive - I AM ONE OF THOSE MYSELF. 

But this isn’t one of those cases and I think there is a distinct difference between men that are just kind of stuck in neutral or are hesitant to give up their carefree childfree lives.

When someone says they do not want kinds - BELIEVE THEM!!

Believe them and take them for their word right then and there and don’t think that they will either “come around” or that you can change their mind. 

The world needs more people to stand up and admit they don’t want kids and the world needs to take those people seriously. 

The only people (men and women) that should be having kids are those that sincerely want them. 

Now this case is different in that if he was telling her he did want want kids, then he did a total bait and switch. 

But when people say they don’t want kids, they need to be believed and they need to be taken seriously.


----------



## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> There are a lot of parents older than mid 30's who do a fab job. One of my good friends had twins age 40. Was a really good mum. My step mum had my half brother when she was 40, he is now in his 20's and great. It's pretty common now to have children at that age and older. Most seem to manage fine.
> 
> His age isn't relevant as he doesn't want them.


Sorry, D....Not been my experience...

NO ONE will tell anyone that they have no time or energy for their kids....No one will tell you that they regret having them either....

At the risk of coming across the wrong way, if someone who is at the top in age group, in terms of energy, health, fitness and enthusiasm says it's really tough, I can only imagine what it's like for the average Joe/Nancy on the street...

My brother had an "oops" kid when he was mid 40's and former SIL was early 40's...The kid had some developmental issues, learning disabilities, and was very hyperactive...My own brother said the stress this put on both of them at that age was what lead to divorce...


I think a lot of people underestimate what effects father time has on them....one can feel great at 45 and a bag of shyt at 52....Yes....it can be that dramatic over that short of a period of time...


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Other things aside, OP is in a rough spot. After 35, conceiving becomes more difficult and any resulting pregnancy will be classified as high risk with higher health risks to both mother and child. Husband doesn't want kids. That means either finding a new husband or going it alone both of which take even more time. Going it alone can be both expensive and not guaranteed. Every cycle an attempt costs money, and if what I've read is right chance of conception is only around 17% each time. So deciding divorce and using a sperm donor is no guarantee of motherhood. It is very possible to go the divorce route and after many tries still end up childless. Or due to her age, a child with lifelong developmental issues.

OP, have you considered fostering or adoption? Would H be open to either of those?

I still can't believe he thinks signing some 'contract' that absolves him of parenting would work. Any lawyer would laugh him out of the office.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

hamadryad said:


> Sorry, D....Not been my experience...
> 
> NO ONE will tell anyone that they have no time or energy for their kids....No one will tell you that they regret having them either....
> 
> ...


These are people I know well, close friends and family members. They have no regrets. Many of my friends are now well into their 60's, and spend lots of time with young grandchildren, as we do. We all manage fine.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Unless you not completely agree to have a child - the answer should be no.
Last thing the world needs is more kids who’s parents don’t care about them.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'd be backing that removal truck right up to the door and getting outta there stat. Your husband is an arsehole, any child he fathered should be sent a sympathy card.

At your age OP, you don't have time to faff about. If you want your own biological children, you need to act now. 

Also be aware that if you become pregnant while you're still married, you won't be able to divorce until after the baby is born, and your husband will be considered the father by law, until paternity is proven.


----------



## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> At 44, the dating market will be primarily men 48+. They are HIGHLY likely to be divorced, with older kids of their own and not really interested in going through the elementary years again.


Can't agree, after my divorce at age 52 I was quite keen to have more children.
At age 65, I love my 10 year old son.


----------



## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> I think a lot of people underestimate what effects father time has on them....one can feel great at 45 and a bag of shyt at 52....Yes....it can be that dramatic over that short of a period of time...


Nope, I still feel great at age 65, just finished my 20Km morning cycle ride.
OP just chose the wrong man to marry.

Maybe she should have got pregnant before she got married.
Still time to do that.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Femme_femme said:


> I'm looking into using a sperm bank as an option right now. I can always date or marry in the future, but not until I concentrate on what I want at my age. Has anyone gone through this route of having a child or did you guys all have children from marriage/partners? Just wondering...


I think you are right to leave him and do what you need to if having a child is that important to you. My wife and I both had children from a previous marriage. When I got back into dating, I met many women who did not already have children and were in their late 30s to early 40s. I made VERY sure early in the dating process that they did not want to have kids, since I was VERY sure that I did not want any more. To do otherwise seems stupid, as either lying about this would lead to conflict, resentment, and probably a breakup - not a good way to start a relationship!


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> I think you are right to leave him and do what you need to if having a child is that important to you. My wife and I both had children from a previous marriage. When I got back into dating, I met many women who did not already have children and were in their late 30s to early 40s. I made VERY sure early in the dating process that they did not want to have kids, since I was VERY sure that I did not want any more. To do otherwise seems stupid, as either lying about this would lead to conflict, resentment, and probably a breakup - not a good way to start a relationship!


If I were dating again (who knows... not ready yet), I would point out immediately that I've had the snip...


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Can't agree, after my divorce at age 52 I was quite keen to have more children.
> At age 65, I love my 10 year old son.


Well, to be fair there is a lot about you that is pretty unique.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Tell him you are going to have a child, he can be there at conception or not. He lied to you. He dont want to have child or raise another's(donors)child then he can divorce.

Had a clerk years ago wanted a child so she got a donor and used the turkey baster method. Has a beautiful and smart 8 yr old daughter.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Your husband is who he is. It doesn't matter what I think of him or what he's doing with you.

The issue is you want a child and he obviously doesn't. This should have been discussed more in depth before you got married but that ship has sailed.

If this is a deal breaker than it's time to move on and do what you have to do. FYI, you can part ways with him, but there's no guarantee that you will be able to have children. I guess you'll cross that bridge if/when you get there.

No need to go around and around with your husband on this. Time to take action.


----------

