# Keeping a Spouse Interested Long Into Marriage



## FoodFrenzy

Hi Everyone,

My husband and I have been together for about 12 years, married for 6. We were high school sweethearts and have been each other's "one and only." So far, the fire is still there... we may not have the intensity that we used to, but I still can't keep my hands off of my husband, and vice-versa.

I hope it always stays that way. I work very hard to keep up my appearance - I exercise regularly, eat responsibly, keep my hair neat and styled, wear makeup and try to wear flattering clothes. I actually used to be a lot heavier, having lost 35 pounds about four years ago, but my husband was just as attracted to me then as he is now - we have just always had great chemistry.

If you have been with your spouse for a long time, what do you do to keep your spouse interested? How do you stay sexy for them into your 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond? What does your spouse do that keeps YOU interested?


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## meson

For us its been more about meeting each others needs. Keep in tune with your husbands needs and meet as many as you can growing as he does. Staying sexy for him may only be one of the needs he has.


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## Plan 9 from OS

Maintaining your appearance and living a healthy lifestyle are the clear cut things you can do to keep your spouse attracted to you. In addition to those things, I think building those bonds by sharing life experiences also keep that sexual attraction going. A hot looking woman can turn into a "plastic barbie doll" over time if there is no deeper bond aside from lust. These bonding moments don't have to be life altering or major events. In fact, most of the time it's going to be those little things like cleaning up the living room together, biking/hiking/walking together, setting aside time to date your spouse regularly when you have kids together, etc.

What becomes the most common avenue for losing attraction between each other comes about when you start having kids together. I call it the parent trap. It's the notion that one or both parents will put the kids on such a high level that they will willingly sacrifice the marriage "for the sake of the children". It's OK and even necessary, IMHO, to love your kids dearly and sacrifice for the them but never put them ahead of maintaining the marital bonds. At the end of the day, those kids will grow up and move away while your spouse will still be there. I never want to be looking at my spouse and wondering "who are you really?" or thinking "I don't even know you anymore".


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## waiwera

I believe staying physically fit and attractive is incredibly important for both the relationship and for our own personal self esteem and well being...which in turn benefits the relationship.

But no matter how fab you look there does need to be more than just attraction and hot sex... in my marriage we share a lot of interests and these fill most of our spare time. We learn new hobbies and skills together. We stay interested in each other and life and that in turn makes interesting people with lots to chat about.
Some of the best moments in our marriage have been spent learning to dance, going fishing or painting a room in the house together. Wonderful memories.... Big time deposits in the love banks!

Oh and keep the sex fun and exciting...bring (pleasant) surprises and new toys/positions/skills to 'practice'/lingerie/locations/oils etc... into the bedroom regularly... hummm... I came back to sex didn't I


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## romantic_guy

We are also each other's one and only...but then again we got married at 16 & 17 because she was pregnant! Why celebrated 41 years last July. For us, appearance is important because it indicates a healthy lifestyle. She is 5'2" and 110 lbs and I am 5'8" and 147 lbs. We are each other's favorite body type (I love petite women with small features and slender legs and she likes a lean body, not too muscular).

But there is so much more to keeping the spark alive. Your relationship must be stable which includes good communication, knowing how to compromise and handle conflict, being on the same financial page, etc. You can both be hot looking but if the relationship is not right, the romantic life will not be right.

I think our sex life is still hot because of several reasons: we are best friends, we have always taken romantic getaways (even when the kids were at home), we make time for each other, we read books together that help us learn about each other's needs and how to meet those needs sexually and emotionally.

You also have to be realistic. All marital sex is not fireworks. Life gets in the way. You may be exhausted. Sometimes you are not really in the mood and you just do it because you need to. That's ok.


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## OrangeCrush1

If a woman wants to keep a man's interest long-term:

1. Stay non-fat. Gaining a _little _weight as you age is perfectly okay, and most men won't care about a 5-10 pound weight gain over many ears. But clearly getting chubby will turn a man off fast, no matter how much he loves you.

2. Keep your hair long. Don't whack it off like most married women end up doing. 

3. Keep your hair colored. If you were a blonde when he started dating you, stay blonde forever. Yes, I know getting your hair dyed/bleached is a pain in the ass and costs money, but if you want to keep him interested, that's what's required. Don't slowly "go brown" (or in later years, "go gray") like most married women end up doing.

4. Keep the frequency of sex equivalent to when you were dating. Don't start backing off on this.

5. Keep the quality of sex equivalent to when you were dating. Don't give him some excuse several years into the marriage about how you don't like doing blowjobs any more.

6. Train yourself to avoid him whenever you're in a bad mood. Married women start getting into the habit of unloading on their husbands whenever they have a bad day or are in a bad mood (which for most modern day women is often). Don't do this. When you're upset or stressed, that's okay. Just grab your phone, go far away from your husband, and go unload on one of your girlfriends instead. The man who loves you and takes care of you should be the _last_ person in your life you yell at, not the first.

If you do those six things, you're going to avoid at least 80% of all the usual sexual problems most long-term marriages eventually experience.


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## Faithful Wife

Wow, my man is a lot more complicated to keep happy than that. I mean all those on your list Mavash, yes...but many, many more things.


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## Cosmos

Eat healthily and keep fit

Pay attention to appearance 

Keep abreast of current affairs

Research interesting topics that we're both interested in

Keep learning new things

Plan activities together

Plan to meet up with mutual friends regularly

Allow one another space for our own thoughts

Discuss problems as and when they arise

Limit the amount of TV we watch

Flirt with one another several times a day

Lots of physical intimacy

(We don't always achieve all of these things, of course, but these are the things we strive for and what keeps us interested in one another)


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## SimplyAmorous

FoodFrenzy said:


> My husband and I have been together for about 12 years, married for 6. We were high school sweethearts and have been each other's "one and only." So far, the fire is still there... we may not have the intensity that we used to, but I still can't keep my hands off of my husband, and vice-versa.
> 
> I hope it always stays that way. I work very hard to keep up my appearance - I exercise regularly, eat responsibly, keep my hair neat and styled, wear makeup and try to wear flattering clothes. I actually used to be a lot heavier, having lost 35 pounds about four years ago, but my husband was just as attracted to me then as he is now - we have just always had great chemistry.


 if your husband loves  like most men... #1 ....keep it spicy in the bedroom... 

Here is a great book >> Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man: Books

A piece of Inspiration...this was written by a another poster here .. ThreeTimesALady....



> *Sex is* desiring him every time you look at him. Needing him to fill that wonderful yearning deep inside you that needs filling & to die for.* Sex is *having breasts that ached to be touched & loved & you can not live without it. *Sex is* waking him up in the middle of the night as you need him & want him & then you find that he wants you just as much & you make love for an hour & get up & have coffee & wonder where the years have gone. *Sex is* finding the thrill after years of a man that can still make you scream & turn you to mush. *Sex is* turning him into a crazy man who wants you more than his own life.
> 
> Now. *Love is *being able to see some fault in your lover but shutting your mouth for the good of a marriage. *Love is* having to give & take in a marriage. Learning where to stop an argument when it is not important to win. Winning sometimes can be losing. *Love is* being able to find in that precious other the boy in the man that you fell in love when you 1st married. *Love is* being able to go to the sexiest side of you & turn that man into mush after all these years. *Love is *being able to hear from your lover that if you die first he will follow you as he cannot live without you .* Love is* the sunshine in the morning when it is cloudy out but seeing him next to you makes your world. *Love is* being able to say screwing & not being embarrassed plus any other really dirty word in the bedroom as he loves it. The dirtier the better as we all know that ladies do not talk dirty with those wonderful words but we also know as ladies that when we enter our bedroom to our precious that we leave the lady at the door. We then turn into his sex siren. As hot & as sensual as can be. And then we all know that when we leave that bedroom we again pick up the lady. All us ladies must have the two faces of Eve. This makes for a very very fullfilling marriage, full of intimacy and Love. A man would never stray if he had this.





FoodFrenzy said:


> If you have been with your spouse for a long time, what do you do to keep your spouse interested? How do you stay sexy for them into your 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond? What does your spouse do that keeps YOU interested?


I made the mistake of getting too caught up in trying to get pregnant, then being too focused on our kids in the past...(a live & learn here)....my husband never grew bored with me...things were still GOOD... but it could have been so much more/ exciting .....

He was almost as bad as me... we threw ourselves into these long awaited blessings....only took "FAMILY vacations"... neglecting getting off alone for some HOT *ROMANCE*... so that's the lesson we learned over the years... Reviving the Dopamine for your Lover is what it takes...and this is great FUN !!

Lots of intimate conversation...asking how each others day is...showing that interest.. laughing at each other's Jokes, quirkiness...flirting/ teasing/ bantering... The author of "His Needs Her Needs" says a couple needs 15 hours a week of this "intimate communication"....

Know his passions...Show interest in them, ask questions...encourage... validate...

Know each others *Love Languages *and lavish on them... this will uplift you both - feeling very loved...this can only bring good things...keeping you emotionally connected...

Tests here *>> *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html

Avoid these like the plague >>



> 1.Criticism- the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything, faultfinding.
> No Criticism Please!
> 
> 2. Contempt- the feeling with which a person regards anything considered mean, vile, or worthless; disdain; scorn. The state of being despised; dishonor; disgrace.
> The Danger of Contempt
> 
> 3. Defensiveness- Defensiveness: The Poison Pill to Relationships
> 
> 4. Stonewalling - or 'the silent treatment' Stonewalling in Abuse


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## Convection

I find handcuffs help.

Everyone has given good advice. Other than that, communicate, communicate, communicate. Don't keep stuff in, get it out there and talk about it. My bottled-up resentment and latent anger were intermittent killers of attraction in my marriage for years, regardless of how physically hot she was to me.


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## romantic_guy

SimplyAmorous said:


> Lots of intimate conversation...asking how each others day is...showing that interest.. laughing at each other's Jokes, quirkiness...flirting/ teasing/ bantering... The author of "His Needs Her Needs" says a couple needs 15 hours a week of this "intimate communication"....


So many men underestimate the emotional connection that happens during intimate conversation! Keeping the passion alive is a two way street. It simply does not work if only oner partner is doing the work.


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## heartsbeating

Convection said:


> I find handcuffs help.


heheh.


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## heartsbeating

meson said:


> For us its been more about meeting each others needs.


I agree with this.


In addition, having my own interests, following passions, doing my thing (while still considering our relationship), is something my husband finds attractive. My hobbies tend to be creative. While we enjoy spending time together, he enjoys the contrast this brings to us. While this doesn't relate directly back to sex, it does contribute to his attraction to me as a person, I guess it's being engaged in life, learning new things, meeting new people, having a sense of self aside from the marriage. He digs that. 

It's similar from my perspective too. Besides staying somewhat in shape, taking pride in appearance, and that kind of thing, I also find him interesting! His hobbies, or that he's challenging himself, that he's well-read, makes for good conversation and I dig that. I dig that he's an interesting guy. I gotta admit too, he's a fantastic cook ...and that's sexy as hell. And he's always trying new dishes, finds where to get specialty ingredients, engages with the local market holders, gets to know their stories, and the sum of all these things just has me diggin him every which way. mrow.


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## being the best me

I think the most import thing in a relationship to keep the spark going is to be spontaneous, share common interests pamper each other and always try and bring new and exciting things into your bedroom. 

I always tell my wife it’s you, me, us, our children then everything else. If we aren’t I well tuned machine then how can we function properly and what I said above is the preventative maintenance to keep it running.


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## meson

heartsbeating said:


> I agree with this.
> it does contribute to his attraction to me as a person, I guess it's being engaged in life, learning new things, meeting new people, having a sense of self aside from the marriage. He digs that.


Most certainly! Someone who knows what they want and have a life in addition to the marriage is important. This keeps new things flowing into the marriage and helps keep it fresh.


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## Tall Average Guy

Keep dating your spouse. Don't stop just because you have both said "I do."


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## carmen ohio

FoodFrenzy said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> My husband and I have been together for about 12 years, married for 6. We were high school sweethearts and have been each other's "one and only." So far, the fire is still there... we may not have the intensity that we used to, but I still can't keep my hands off of my husband, and vice-versa.
> 
> I hope it always stays that way. I work very hard to keep up my appearance - I exercise regularly, eat responsibly, keep my hair neat and styled, wear makeup and try to wear flattering clothes. I actually used to be a lot heavier, having lost 35 pounds about four years ago, but my husband was just as attracted to me then as he is now - we have just always had great chemistry.
> 
> If you have been with your spouse for a long time, what do you do to keep your spouse interested? How do you stay sexy for them into your 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond? What does your spouse do that keeps YOU interested?


Dear FoodFrenzy,

Lot's of good advice here but, in the end, a happy marriage is not the result of one's feelings or appearance or actions or communication skills. Rather, it depends on the integrity of the marriage partners. If you and your spouse genuinely believe that honesty and loyalty and empathy are the true measures of your worth as human beings, then you will likely have a happy, healthy marriage, despite all the obstacles that life will inevitably throw at you.

My wife and I have been married for 41 years. I am far from the perfect husband and, to be honest, she has not always been the perfect wife. But I have never had reason doubt her devotion to me and I believe if you asked her she would say the same about me. We have also lived by the principle that Plan 9 from OS mentioned, putting our devotion to each other above all else, even our four beautiful (now grown) children. While we love them dearly, we have always maintained the attitude that, in the end, it is the two of us against the world.

Do the things people here have recommended: keep yourself fit and attractive, spend time together, communicate and keep your sex life alive. But, above all, remember that you and your husband pledged to forsake all others and to stay by each other's side until the end. If you both keep your promises, I believe you will be happy. I know I am.

Wishing you the best.


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## yours4ever

Ah yes, we have to maintain attractiveness..but perhaps this article can show us a thing or two about happiness and marriage:
He said he was leaving. She ignored him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bevixnz

I think common interests and goals are super important,. You have to keep paddling your marriage canoe in the same direction together, once you start going in different directions on your marriage things get strained. 

Other than that, anything you can do to keep your spouse connected is good, many good suggestions already!


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## AndyMento

My husband is also my lover. We've been married a long time and our kids are grown now, and one of the things that keeps him happy is that I cater to his sexual needs and enjoy doing so. I also think that one of the most important things to ensure in a marriage is that you are always looking out for the other person's happiness. I mean, I couldn't possibly be happy knowing he was unhappy. 

I also think resentment and passive aggressive behavior both destroy relationships. If something bugs you or he or she did something that bothered or hurt you, talk about it. You may be misinterpreting something, or they may simply not be aware that they hurt you. 

But sex is really important to men. It isn't just physical for them. If you want to have sex with a man, it makes him feel good in the relationship.


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## ifweonly

My wife and I are not experts in this "Marriage Stuff" but we will experience our 53rd anniversary next January. Married very young (19 & 21) and the first for each of us left us very inexperienced during our early years.

What worked for us was that we did grow up together and always do things together. Yes, the sex is great --- much better today than ever before; we grew up and learned that together as well.

We may occasionally disagree but we do not fight -- just "agree to disagree". We just don't do any harmful physical stuff against each other -- never have. 

Concerning the weight issue, it seems that as one matures, keeping the weight in check becomes more difficult as both of us could lose some pounds. This is an on going challenge and we now have our own exercise equipment to help make the weight loss a reality.

We each have our own interest and experience as much "alone time" that we feel necessary. We go just about everywhere together and do enjoy each others company. When we are going somewhere (we live in a rural area) we can feel the chemistry between us whether we are chatting up a storm or enjoying the silence.

I realize that we are from an earlier generation and things that have worked for us may not work for others who are younger. It is truly a different world today than what it was 53 years ago. I will say that my wife and I have updated our experience with each other over the years; we certainly do not do everything the same as we once did.

Neither of us are "Rocking Chair" bound as she is busy with her stuff and I work everyday at our food testing laboratory. Not much idle time but we do take together time for ourselves. Did I mention that the sex is just super????:smthumbup: 

Reading here on TAM, I believe if folks would only consider each others needs and desires --- actually talk to each other about them, there may be more successful marriages and fewer wealthy divorce lawyers. Marriage is not a walk in the park --- it wasn't for us --- but you just have to plow through all of the brier thorns and prickly ash until the both of you are happy and satisfied. Marriage success does take a lot of work!


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## Personal

OrangeCrush1 said:


> If a woman wants to keep a man's interest long-term:


That's quite an interesting list, which reminds me that all of us have different tastes opinions feelings and experiences.



OrangeCrush1 said:


> 1. Stay non-fat. Gaining a _little _weight as you age is perfectly okay, and most men won't care about a 5-10 pound weight gain over many ears. But clearly getting chubby will turn a man off fast, no matter how much he loves you.


I think that helps especially for good health for both men and women. Although one can be skinny and unhealthy as well.



OrangeCrush1 said:


> 2. Keep your hair long. Don't whack it off like most married women end up doing.


On the other hand I don't find my wife attractive with long hair, I consider the classic bob as always rather pleasant aesthetically.



OrangeCrush1 said:


> 3. Keep your hair colored. If you were a blonde when he started dating you, stay blonde forever. Yes, I know getting your hair dyed/bleached is a pain in the ass and costs money, but if you want to keep him interested, that's what's required. Don't slowly "go brown" (or in later years, "go gray") like most married women end up doing.


As my wife and I grow greyer, I have to say despite the fact she colours her hair for herself. I would be perfectly happy if she didn't colour her hair.



OrangeCrush1 said:


> 4. Keep the frequency of sex equivalent to when you were dating. Don't start backing off on this.


That's hardly practical, although I enjoyed sex 3 times a day, everyday I am not keen on undertaking the same frequency regardless of how willing my wife is.



OrangeCrush1 said:


> 5. Keep the quality of sex equivalent to when you were dating. Don't give him some excuse several years into the marriage about how you don't like doing blowjobs any more.


The quality of sex is mutually beneficial and likewise requires mutual participation effort, enthusiasm and talent. I hardly think that a wife alone should be responsible for sexual quality.



OrangeCrush1 said:


> 6. Train yourself to avoid him whenever you're in a bad mood. Married women start getting into the habit of unloading on their husbands whenever they have a bad day or are in a bad mood (which for most modern day women is often). Don't do this. When you're upset or stressed, that's okay. Just grab your phone, go far away from your husband, and go unload on one of your girlfriends instead. The man who loves you and takes care of you should be the _last_ person in your life you yell at, not the first.


Really!? Married women do that, mine doesn't unload on me, therefore "married women" don't specifically do what you claim above.



OrangeCrush1 said:


> If you do those six things, you're going to avoid at least 80% of all the usual sexual problems most long-term marriages eventually experience.


Sure you will avoid 80% of those things, only if all men are completely shallow and vacuous.


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## Jeffyboy

OrangeCrush1 said:


> If a woman wants to keep a man's interest long-term:
> 
> 1. Stay non-fat. Gaining a _little _weight as you age is perfectly okay, and most men won't care about a 5-10 pound weight gain over many ears. But clearly getting chubby will turn a man off fast, no matter how much he loves you.
> 
> 2. Keep your hair long. Don't whack it off like most married women end up doing.
> 
> 3. Keep your hair colored. If you were a blonde when he started dating you, stay blonde forever. Yes, I know getting your hair dyed/bleached is a pain in the ass and costs money, but if you want to keep him interested, that's what's required. Don't slowly "go brown" (or in later years, "go gray") like most married women end up doing.
> 
> 4. Keep the frequency of sex equivalent to when you were dating. Don't start backing off on this.
> 
> 5. Keep the quality of sex equivalent to when you were dating. Don't give him some excuse several years into the marriage about how you don't like doing blowjobs any more.
> 
> 6. Train yourself to avoid him whenever you're in a bad mood. Married women start getting into the habit of unloading on their husbands whenever they have a bad day or are in a bad mood (which for most modern day women is often). Don't do this. When you're upset or stressed, that's okay. Just grab your phone, go far away from your husband, and go unload on one of your girlfriends instead. The man who loves you and takes care of you should be the _last_ person in your life you yell at, not the first.
> 
> If you do those six things, you're going to avoid at least 80% of all the usual sexual problems most long-term marriages eventually experience.


You should write a book! Real talk right here.


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## SunnyWife

Keeping things spicy in the bedroom for sure, but also outside of the bedroom. Keep learning new things, either together or alone. Sometimes learning a new craft (my thing) makes me feel good, which spills over to making us feel good because I am not relying on him to make me happy. I am responsible for my own happiness.


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