# WAS, Affair or just doesn't love me?



## horsegirl (Nov 27, 2013)

Long story but short version is married for almost 10yrs to a great guy and I thought we had a good relationship. We 32yrs old and successful in our jobs and ran a business together. We spent a lot of time on the farm together but also time going on vacation, movies, dinner, etc. We had conversations about sometimes sex would be lacking but we always got back on track. We just were busy. 

2wks before the big bomb I got a story about how he was unhappy, wondering what else was out there, I let myself go and we weren't compatible. We vowed to work on things and we talked about it. 

Then the weekend from hell where he informed me he just couldn't be married to me anymore. We were just too different, he was unhappy, had been unhappy for years, didn't like me as a person and wasn't sure why he married me. I was absolutely shocked. We talked that night and the next day the sex was good and we vowed to go to counseling. 

Then on my b-day he came home and said he was leaving and wanted a divorce. Packed a bag and stayed at a friends for a week. Then I find out he is living with a friend..yep..my friend left her boyfriend of 3yrs and they were living together but just as "roommates/friends." Right. She had been riding at my farm for a year and he did spend a lot of time talking to her but I didn't pick up on anything odd. We spent lots of time with her and her boyfriend hanging out. I have now been told he was suffering in our marriage. He hadn't loved me in years. I have a terrible personality. I controlled him. He was just an obident husband. 

It has been almost 2 months since he left. Last night he told me that there is no affair. He said he had just waited to see if things would change with us and they didn't and he let it build until he hated me. This girl has nothing to do with it (she is 24!). 

I really don't know what to think. Is it an affair talking? There is so much history rewriting..I should have married you..I was forced into marrying you..I was so unhappy..I didn't love you in years. I have no clue what to think. He has blamed it all on me. I was a terrible wife. I didn't support him. I controlled him. It is crazy talk because that is not true (well he is passive so it is possible that I made the decisions but only because i asked and he didn't offer up suggestions). 

It is possible that it is just an emotional affair and not physical. I just don't know what to think at this point. He left me but yet is so angry at me. He doesn't want to speak to me. He basically hates me. Said it was a LONG 10yrs and here I thought we had a good marriage. 

He filed the divorce after he left and we will be divorce in 4 months. 

I love this man but I just feel like I am hopeless. I can't decide if he really does feel that way about me or if this is him having an affair. It makes me feel better if it is an affair because I can justify his actions. Otherwise, I have to face that I guess he doesn't love/like me and my whole marriage was a lie.


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## horsegirl (Nov 27, 2013)

Can you help me interpret these...pretty pretty please. These were text messages sent after he left. I know she was going to him hanging out at nights with him (he was then staying with a friend). Her boyfriend said they were sending facebook messages and then she would go out with Him and come back late at night. Right..okay she was supposed to be my friend. Stood in my barn and saw me absolutely breaking down and then goes to befriend the man who left me??? However, maybe these messages are how he truly felt? Maybe he really didn't want to be with me? Maybe he didn't love me? 
-I am sorry but we can never be together again. I shouldn’t have let it go this far. From the very beginning I haven’t felt right about this relationship. I just want on being an obedient boyfriend/husband pretending everything was okay and hoping if I just ignored it that I would be okay and things would be good. All I wanted to do is make you happy. It has come at a major expense to me. This relationship has been eating away at me for years and I cannot live that way any longer. I know you said we are going to lose our asses in this divorce, but that is not a good reason to stay. I have lived with that fear long enough and I have to be willing to let it go. I will do whatever is needed to end this suffering. It is not fair to me or to you to continue because my heart isn’t in it. 

-I don’t know, I guess I see it a lot differently maybe because I have been living it for so long. It is better to have it come about at 10 yrs rather than 30yrs of marriage. I don’t want to hurt your feelings but I am not in love with you. Counseling isn’t going to change that. I don’t want to fix the problems, I want to leave them behind. I am sorry this is painful for you, but it has been painful for me as well but I know in my heart I am doing the right thing. 

-Please stop. I am not going to counseling. I have come to realize marriage vows are bull****. There is no saving this. I am already gone. 

-I left you because I don’t want to be with you. I am sorry that I have hurt you, if there was a way to leave without hurting you believe me I would. If I am not into this relationship I am hurting you much more than letting you find your true love.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'm so very sorry that you are here and having to go through this...

I think the reality is that he really does feel that way about you, right now anyway. It definitely seems like the affair (and make no mistake about it, he is having an affair) is fueling that however. The rewriting history stuff is an enormous indicator of that. I can't believe that anyone would be as miserable as he says he is for that long a period of time without you or others being aware of it. Typically that happens when someone is very suddenly swept up in a wave of fresh, new, exciting, raw emotion, such as that which occurs in an affair. Compared to the excitement of the new person, everything before that person feels like a miserable bad dream, like looking at history through a negativity filter. It's like a spell being cast over you.

In any case, he has filed for divorce and he is making it pretty clear that he intends to go through with it. For your sake, I'd implore you to employ the 180 and start focusing on yourself, rebuilding your self esteem, getting healthy, etc. Maybe he'll emerge from his affair fog before the divorce is final and he'll reconsider, and if he does, your employing the 180 will put you in the best position for that to happen if that is what you want. But you should do it for yourself first and foremost and you'll find that it's very much worth it!

If by some incredibly tiny chance the other woman isn't involved in his decision to end the marriage, then what he said about it being better to end the marriage now after ten years instead of after thirty years will be very, very true indeed.


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## philosophical (Nov 26, 2013)

It seems likely he is having an affair, but I wouldn't be so quick to say that for sure. I can empathize with what he is saying as well as I have faced a similar situation, but for 3 years not 10. Heart not in it, feeling incompatible, sticking around for financial reasons, not wanting to hurt your partner. I have gone through all of those.


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## horsegirl (Nov 27, 2013)

I just really didn't know he was unhappy. He did a good job of faking it if so. I would have done anything to make things better.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

horsegirl said:


> Long story but short version is married for almost 10yrs to a great guy and I thought we had a good relationship. We 32yrs old and successful in our jobs and ran a business together. We spent a lot of time on the farm together but also time going on vacation, movies, dinner, etc. We had conversations about sometimes sex would be lacking but we always got back on track. We just were busy.
> 
> 2wks before the big bomb I got a story about how he was unhappy, wondering what else was out there, I let myself go and we weren't compatible. We vowed to work on things and we talked about it.
> 
> ...


It's an affair. Let her have him and go dark on both of them. Expose them both to any shared friends and tell his family he left you for another woman. Then stop talking to him. Get a lawyer and take as much as you can. When he comes crawling back tell him to f off
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Its an affair and you know it deep down inside. He is in the male "fog". He knows he will take a beating financially and doesnt care, the new fantasyland he is in beats real life. They all rewrite history and they all seem to deflect the blame everywhere but themselves. 

He wants you to think he was some kind of great guy for putting up with you that long??? He knows you still want to save the marriage, he is keeping you in a position of vulnerability, wearing on your self esteem all the usual characteristics. If/when he decides his new fun life isnt that much fun will he come back and out of the "kindness of his heart" give it one more chance with you? This seems to be what he wants you to think.

You are hurting at this point we are all in that position. Every divorce seems to have one to takes the pain and one who dishes it out whether its affairs or not. He has filed, he has made his position clear and as much as you dont want to do it and as alien as it feels after 10 years you need to know take care of yourself. Show him you arent the damsel in distress. 

Cut back on the contact with him, only deal with divorce or any business talk that you need to do. If he wants a divorce that badly, hit him with a settlement plan, surprise him. Show him you are strong and can stand on your own two feet and are taking your life back. It isnt fun and its not easy and your emotions will run all over the place. 

He has to start seeing you in a different light and you must start seeing him in a different light also. That is why the 180 becomes an important component. It lets you get some distance and allows you to start more objectively looking at your situation which will in turn allow you to make better decisions. Your an equal partner in the marriage so is he. He needs to start taking equal accountability for the failings also. He most likely wont so help yourself and start taking him out of your life equation.


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## horsegirl (Nov 27, 2013)

I have a lawyer. I have exposed it to everyone. He denies it and she denies it. 

We talked via text about him picking up stuff and he said he can't come here alone because he can't hear me talking about our marriage and he doesn't have feelings for me.

It is like 10yrs just went poof. He treated me so well and acted like he loved me but now seems to hate me. 

I do my best to not contact him but it is so hard.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

It is extremely hard make no mistake about it. You will have to fight the urge to contact. I still do months after the last time I have been in contact with my stbxw. Its easy to say but you must be strong for yourself.

Again limit your contact, next time he texts you about items in the house and plays the little guilt trip about you want to reconcile and he cant deal with it. Just tell him to contact your lawyer, have a full list of items and a final date you want items out of house. Let the lawyer deal with items like that, its what you are paying him for and property division is part of divorce. It costs some money, but it removes you from dealing direct with him, the stuff is accounted for and he wont be able to guilt or play with your emotions. Lawyers have no emotion haha 

It will make him think about moving out of your home, your place will no longer be a storage facility for him. There will be some accountability, he will need to be a little responsible. When in the fog they don't like responsibility.


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## horsegirl (Nov 27, 2013)

It has just been crazy how I am to blame for everything and he can't even talk to me. He acts like I am a bother. Do most people who want a divorce just cut that person out of their life? He treated me like gold until the minute he left and now he hates me.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Girl, I totally hear you. The gold to dirt thing. Except my man is with an employee and, "friend," who now lives there just about every night since I have been gone. According to him...everything is going to be great and this separation is going to be good for us...and then the night after he does almost all but make love to me again he has her back in our house and they are heard doing the hanky panky upstairs when they think no one is home. Since we are separated I am off limits but she is fair game? Sorry to go off on my personal tangent 

Honcho...thanks for the, "fog," perspective. I think that is a good description of this madness.

Yes, I do believe people can all of a sudden cut someone out of their life. The way it has been explained to me is that the person who leaves was actually going through the stages of grief before they even let on that they were planning to go. By the time they complete the stages they shoot off and leave you to just begin your process. 

People can be good at protecting themselves and acting like everything is hunky dory until they see their moment to catch a gust of wind and float away. This situation stinks and you would hope people had been through enough relationships before marriage to learn that when they choose to marry someone they choose that they aren't going to break hearts anymore and act like children who get tired of their toys. 

Gosh I feel bitter. I am going through these emotions every day...sadness/desperation...black cloud...anger...powerful and strong and mean...and now bitter I guess. Please know that what ever happens, you have a better day ahead of you!  I am having to believe in this, too. xoxo

Ps. I do laugh a few times a day, too. But you must keep friends and/or family around you or in contact with you to help with that...and it needs to be at the right time. Sometimes it might be annoying like you don't want anyone to make you happy except your husband...but there will be times you really need those people there and they will help you have those moments of happiness and comfort that you need.


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