# Is separation and divorce inevitable?



## Separating and depressed (Dec 21, 2015)

Well we are not separated yet but I feel that it is coming soon. I am 8 years older than my wife and we are definitely opposites on almost all interests. We have two kids 7 years old boy and a 5 year old girl and they are truely AMAZING!

The problem is that we have fallen out of love. We don't kiss much and we haven't had sex in over 9 months, mostly because we found the sex uninteresting. She has announced she doesn't love me anymore. I still love her but not like when we married 9 years ago. We never fight but we don't communicate well either.

I don't want to separate because the effect it will have on our kids. Because we don't fight or argue our kids are happy and see a loving family. I want to keep our family together for as long as we can. But I know she probably wants to move on and find someone more emotionally supportive. 

Am I being selfish? Am I really protecting our kids? Should I keep trying to mend our marriage or accept it and start working to move on?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

So, is she having an affair? Some red flags are there that make me concerned.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Sounds like maybe you are more like friends now than husband and wife.It's naturally to want to protect our children. No you aren't being selfish, you are thinking what's best for your children and what's best if their family together is not to be separated. Are you working to win her back? Be that husband that you think she wants so instead of moving on she stays with you and your children. As long as you aren't fighting or meaning rude or mean to each other it's best that you stay together and work on your marriage. Your children don't know of care what is going on in the bedroom they just know that they aren't going to visiting Daddy on the weekends.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

what you fear you will attract.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Unless you both work on your marriage together it's divorce time. Sounds like it's fixable if someone else is not in the mix.

It will take two to get you there. It all depends on the both of you. The thing is if she's come out with I don't love you it could be another OM in the picture. 

Do a quick check of your phone bill. You'll know in about 15 minutes.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

There isn't any abuse or known infidelity, right? If so, it's best to try to fix your marriage and keep your family intact.

However, I recommend that you check to make sure that there's no affair going on. I know it sounds preposterous, but it's worth checking on, secretly, without asking her. Her heart is not with you at this time, she's told you that she doesn't love you. It's possible to have her fall back in love with you. But if her heart is with someone else, there's a totally different strategy. Most spouses who post asking for help don't believe that their spouse is cheating, but in most cases they are, in fact, cheating. Don't rely on your feelings or beliefs about it. Check her phone, her email, her social media first (without warning her or telling her.)

If she's not cheating, you can rebuild your marriage by following a simple (not necessarily easy) program. The idea is to figure out and stop doing the things that kill love (the most common love-destroying behaviors are angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, selfish demands, dishonesty, independent behaviors, annoying habits.) These love destroying behaviors act like holes getting poked into your heart, draining your love.

At the same time, you want to learn what your and her top emotional needs. These are things that create love. These will build in your heart if there are no love busting behaviors occurring. If your spouse continues to meet these needs, your heart will eventually begin overflowing with love. It's how people fall in love. 

You'll need to spend a lot of time together and you'll need a lot of open and honest communication to make it happen. It is very effective. It's harder than it looks, and often one spouse is fighting against it until there is more love deposited. So it can look like it's not working, and then there is a sudden turn-around once the reluctant spouse's heart is filled. 

Your biggest challenge will likely be talking yourself into doing the program, because it sounds like you don't have a lot of love for her at this time, either, and you'll need to be the person leading the charge. But, if you can save your marriage and your wife gets on-board, you'll get a satisfying marriage as well, and you'll both get to live with your kids every day. It's much better for your kids in many ways if you can save and massively improve your marriage. It's worth the battle.

Start by reading the basic concepts about emotional needs, love busters, the states of marriage, and how to create romantic love: Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

If she is cheating, you'll find information on the same website, and there's an infidelity section on TAM as well. But hopefully that's not the case.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Divorce is more likely than not and it takes a lot of work to maintain it. Sounds like you two are just pooped out! Welcome to the American dream! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Separating and depressed said:


> Well we are not separated yet but I feel that it is coming soon. I am 8 years older than my wife and we are definitely opposites on almost all interests. We have two kids 7 years old boy and a 5 year old girl and they are truely AMAZING!
> 
> The problem is that we have fallen out of love. We don't kiss much and we haven't had sex in over 9 months, mostly because we found the sex uninteresting. She has announced she doesn't love me anymore. I still love her but not like when we married 9 years ago. We never fight but we don't communicate well either.
> 
> ...


No I don't think you are being selfish for wanting the kids to not suffer from it. You guys may get along and seem happy to them but eventually they will catch on that something isn't right and the tension will bother them more. I would talk to your wife about this and see what the plan is. I hope a divorce isn't in your future but you are going to have to communicate with her at least this one time.


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