# Borrowing Money



## CCL (Aug 27, 2012)

Good Afternoon fine folks of TAM!

I have a question for you. If your spouse asked to borrow $1500 from one of your family members (regardless of reason), how would you feel? Would you be OK with it or would you have preferred they talked to you first? 

Here's the situation in a nutshell. Hubby asked to borrow money from my nephew (he's pretty well off, but that's beside the point). He told me 12 hours after the fact because nephew wanted the three of us to meet to discuss. I felt pretty blindsided especially since hubby had been thinking about it for a few weeks. We've had issues with trust and lying and I feel this was a lie of omission.

What do you think? Am I over reacting?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I think you are correct in feeling this way. The two of you should have discussed it first.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Yes follow your gut. This should have been discussed together. As a general rule I dislike borrowing or loaning money between friends / family, except for short emergency situations (like I pay it back in the end of the day because I forgot my wallet)... 

Borrowing or loaning money changes the dynamics of the relationships and I don't like that.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Sounds like your nephew is the one with the smart head on his shoulders by saying that the THREE of you should meet to discuss this arrangement. Your husband is making money decisions that affect the entire family; not just him. He should have informed you of it first. Just like any large purchase, these things should be discussed in a marriage. 

You are not overreacting. I probably wouldn't go ape sh*t on him but calmly say, "I look at this transaction as a family issue and I wish you would have talked to me about this first. Next time, please do so". 

If your hubby doesn't have a habit of acting reckless with money or doing other things behind your back to minimize your role in this marriage, I wouldn't get too bent out of shape. But certainly let him know how you feel so it doesn't happen again.

Edited to add: If your nephew didn't suggest having a meeting but instead just handed the money over to your husband, do you think he would have told you?


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Sounds like a bad idea to me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your husband should have talked to you before borrowing money from anyone, much less a personal loan from your relative. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Inter-family financial deals often turn out sour despite the best intentions. The problem is due to the compromise of leverage.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I don't think he should have asked your family member or ANYONE without discussing with you. Only $1500? Most people have that in a liquid savings account, do they not? It seems money management should be a focus if things are desperate enough that you guys need to borrow such a small sum because you don't even have that much in savings. I'd say a sit-down to review finances and what you can cut out of the budget is in order.


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## CCL (Aug 27, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I don't think he should have asked your family member or ANYONE without discussing with you. Only $1500? Most people have that in a liquid savings account, do they not? It seems money management should be a focus if things are desperate enough that you guys need to borrow such a small sum because you don't even have that much in savings. I'd say a sit-down to review finances and what you can cut out of the budget is in order.


Unfortunately, it's not a money management or a budgeting issue. He needs this money to bail himself out of a stupid decision he made. And, I had no idea he was going to do this, so I was a bit blindsided.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, you aren't over-reacting. Did you know about the decision he made that required him to ask your nephew behind your back for the money? How was he going to pay your nephew back if he didn't want you knowing about it?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think transparency is pretty important in marriage, OP. You need to sit down with your spouse and stress the need for this. No more blindsiding from him.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Firstly asking a family member to borrow money without consulting you is wrong, borrowing any money without conferring with your spouse is just deceitful. I wonder if your nephew had just said OK and handed hubby the money if he would have told you about it, I'm guessing not.

I am curious what the money is for, to bail himself out of what? Frankly if your finances are so tight you can't scratch up $1500 your biggest concern should be what kind of stupid decisions your husband is making that he is jeopardizing your financial health.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'd be furious if my H did that... just as furious as his making some stupid mistake that he now has to bail himself out of... I wonder if this too.. was a big surprise to you?

For marital harmony...ALL things should be discussed openly with each other - being on the same page... before going forth to any outsiders.. really on any issues at all ! As husbands and wives, we should also be "checks and balances"... 

Things can get really sticky when you start borrowing from relatives, friends, etc. I think a couple should do ANYTHING -to not go there..



> *Cooper said*: I am curious what the money is for, to bail himself out of what? Frankly if your finances are so tight you can't scratch up $1500 your biggest concern should be what kind of stupid decisions your husband is making that he is jeopardizing your financial health.


:iagree:


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Not cool .....you ought to have discussed it together first.

Do you share in managing the finances together?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He should have discussed it with you first, so you could tell him in no uncertain terms not to ask your family members for money, thus not putting other people in a terrible and unfair position.


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## CCL (Aug 27, 2012)

Good Morning folks and thank you for all your responses. I'll try to answer all your questions. Forgive me if I miss one.

Our finances are separate and for good reason. I'm a saver, he's a spender. I manage the household finances because if I didn't, all the bills would be late. His work history is spotty so I've taken on much of the burden. Gullible? Yes. Stupid? Yes. But not anymore.

The reason behind the money is he falsified some paperwork and got caught. I knew about it, however at the time I BEGGED him to do the right thing and told him what the consequences would be but he did it anyway. Now he is stuck and has to make things right.

Regardless of whether it is $1500 or $15000 (or even $15), the fact is he asked my nephew behind my back. That's the issue. It's the lie of omission and the deceit that I am struggling with. 

I appreciate all your words and advice. Keep 'em coming. I've got some decisions to make.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

As I stated in my earlier response your husband is deceitful, your additional facts only confirm this. For every one thing you catch him at he is doing 5 other things and getting away with it. Not sure what you mean by falsifying paper work but if he's committing fraud or tax evasion your financial foundation may get sucked right down the drain by proxy of being married to him. 

CCL you and I sound very much alike, and your husband sounds very much like my ex wife. From my own experience being married to someone you can't trust or depend on will just wear you down, it's no way to live. Your husband needs to get on board at being a full partner in the marriage, he also needs to agree to total transparency, he will cry about being treated like a child, to bad for him, tell him to act like an adult then. 

You cannot protect yourself enough from his shenanigans, sooner or later it will cost you.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Agree with Cooper. Sooner or later it will cost you to be married to him. If not in debt, in legal fees or IRS issues.

My apologies if I came across as condescending about the borrowing. It seems he was trying to hide his error in judgement from you by borrowing so he could pay in back in small chunks without you knowing - is that correct?

Even though your finances are separate, being married obligates you both. Been there, been through two foreclosures, numerous credit cards being written off and watching him "rob Peter to pay Paul". Never again. I LOVE being solvent. And I'm still nowhere near where I'd like to be financially! Then again, starting over with nothing but bad credit and no assets at 35 has taken it's toll.

He is an adult and needs to be on board with your financial plans and accept responsibility for decisions he makes AND commit to not making any unilateral decisions. If you two spoke and didn't feel comfortable with the path he was taking and he did it anyway, resulting in negative financial repercussions as you predicted, he was deceitful and was totally disrespectful to you. Surely he can see you made sense? And likely this was one of many many times. Which should tell you it will happen again and again.

I am not a fan of ultimatums, but I would give him one. If he agrees you are the one to manage the finances, he cannot do anything without discussing with you if there are potential financial repercussions or it's over and you walk. However, I feel even if he obliges, playing Mommy to an adult male will take its toll on your respect for him and the relationship will die regardless. He really has to take responsibility.


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## CCL (Aug 27, 2012)

Just an update for you all. My nephew declined the loan yesterday. I'm speaking with an attorney later on today to discuss my options and any other legal stuff I need to know. Will be back in a day or so. I also work full time and we are very busy this week. Thanks everyone once again.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Good luck to you. CCL. You are wise to be speaking to an attorney. I hope whatever paperwork your husband falsified, it does not have any legal ramifications for you. 

In a way, I'm glad your nephew declined the loan. Bad behavior should not be rewarded and maybe, MAYBE, this is the wake up call your husband needs to do the right thing in the future. 

But first things first -- protect yourself! 

Take care.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Not over reacting at all. I would be PISSED.

That is something he should've spoke to you about. Not only that, WHAT will be done with that money and HOW it will be paid back would be part of the big discussion as well.

That is completely disrespectful and inappropriate.


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## CCL (Aug 27, 2012)

Came home from work today and looked through some paperwork on the table. It wasn't hidden from me, but there it was..... wage garnishment paperwork for $$ he owes on State Tax. I knew about it ($320), but didn't have a clue on this. It was post marked 6/10. A lot of things are starting to fall into place, like the timing of that loan request. 

Although I feel like the biggest doofus on the planet right now and feel like I've been the most gullible person that ever lived, I have messages in for an attorney and an individual counselor (I need it). At a minimum, I will be filing for legal separation this week if not a full on divorce.

Can this get any uglier? He's not home right now as he works two nights a week. Probably a good thing since I'm so pissed and need to get my mind in the right place to move forward.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

You know what, you live and you learn. Just don't let him take you down with him. Your nephew did the right thing, you are doing the right thing. At least separate from him and find out what legal obligations this will have on you.

I really hope this works out for you!


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