# wife cheated after 10 yrs together



## betrayed2012 (Aug 3, 2012)

So heres my lovely story: 

I have been married for close to 8 years and weve been together for 10 years. 2 kids, nice house blah blah blah. The first 9 yrs together were great. The last 8 months or so have been brutal on me to say the least.

It started back in november of 2011 with my wife saying that shes been kind of down in the dumps latley. I said depression runs in her family, so maybe get that checked out. She decided she wanted to go see a therapist and did so. Then right after xmas tells me that she is struggling with her feelings towards me and doesnt know why. SHe says there is no other man and just wants everything back to the way it was. She doesnt know why she isnt happy and she is struggling bigtime. She cant relate with her children at all either. Shes 36 and im 34 btw. To me it seemed like depression and I read up on all the major symptoms and she had them all. She went to the Dr.s and scored a 12 on a depression test when a 4 is normal. He put her on anti depressants and they had a negative impact on her. So she got off of them. 

She thot she needed to get away. Her two married g'f were going on a vacay and she ran it by me. I didnt want my wife going on an all inclusive but I said maybe it will help and bit the bullet. She seemed to be getting better as the trip approched, saying things seem better, no? Then when she got back she crashed and burned from reality....kids, cold weather, job, responsibilities.etc. She told me she needed to see someone again and that she needed to go back on meds. 

So she did and within 6 weeks, she was feeling way better. She apoligized one night and said sorry for what she put me thru and said she felt good again and good about us....she knew i struggled bigtime with this, since it didnt seem like my wife at all. 

Fast forward to now.....I always had a gut feeeling that something wasnt right. The entire time she was down and out I was checking internet history and her emails. She was clearing the internet history sometimes which raised a red flag. She never left her cell phone around either, since i did check it and she found out. Her mistake was checking her fb page on my tablet and not erasing the log in info. So for a while I was checking her fb page without her knowing. I didnt know her password but did have access. I couldnt find a thing but it did look like she was deleting msgs. here and there. Then a week ago monday i decided to chk for the first time in about 6 weeks. BAM! Unreal what i found.. She was msging a guy from the same gym we both workout at. The dude is 22 years old and like i said, shes 36. I knew she was struggling with her youth, but come on...

She wrote some pretty nasty things to the dude, but nothing that said they had sex. She did say thats all she wanted tho, no strings attached. and that she would only cheat on my husband with you......just terrible things to read by her husband who treats her like gold and is there for her at a moments notice. I busted her and clearly she didnt delete the msgs. The guy on the other end of it, wasnt into the dirty talk back.. I think he was taken a back really.

So i got her out of the shower and demanded answers. She couldnt explain it and said i was jumping to conclusions...I read the msgs to her and was almost throwing up I was so sick to my stomach. She said they havent had sex and swore on her childrens lives while looking me in the eye. 

They met 3 times over a 5 month period and kissed twice. she said they hadnt talked in over 2 months and she was drinking one night and decided to send him a msg to see if he was up and sure enough he was. She is devastated she hurt me but i also think shes devastated she got caught. She said she has a void in her life and handled it the wrong way. She did write to the guy that "she needs some excitment in her life as shes going thru sum ****"....I said your married with 2 kids and work fulltime, what excitement are u looking for? We go to a hotel every month and a half and have dinner, and do something fun at night, she goes out with her g/f's without me giving her a hard time. Like what does she want really?

She had a bad childhood growing up and I told her its like she is sabatoging the marriage due to the trauma she suffered growing up. I asked her if she is losing her mind? She thinks she already has.

I tt the guy at the gym for 15 min as well. I really wanted to mess him up, but really its on my wife , not this kid. I actually comend him in a way for talking with me. He says im overreacating to the situation and its gotten blwon way out of porportion. Same story basically. Hes adament they didnt have sex and said they kissed on 2 occasions and he was caught off guard by her msgs that night since he hadnt seen her in over 2 months. 

She also told a friend of hers that they didnt have sex either, and I had the info relayed to me. I do beleive her for some reason, even tho she told numerous lies to hide what she did. I asked her flat out over the time she was fooling around if she was texting dudes or fb msg dudes behind my back and she said no. I asked her why she kept deleting the internet history and she said that sometimes she likes to creep on her ex boyfriends pages to see what they are up to but I dont know if i beleive that fully. Its probably partially true. 

She went off her anti depressants cold turkey for a few days which knocked her off her ass and into bed depressed as hell. I got her to go back on them and she booked an appt with a therapist that she saw for a bit earlier in the year before she started feeeling good again. 

I told her I cant forgive her for destroying me and possibly ruining the family. She sent me a text saying she was a so sorry, i didnt mean to hurt you. Im a failure as a wife and a failure as a mother and I deserve everyhting that comes my way. Shes so down on herself as her self esteem is brutal. 

She is wondering why im being so nice with her as of late? I told her I still love her thats why and if we are going to get thru this , silence isnt the answer. I said we would hav to do marriage counselling once she gets some IC on her end. im going to c someone as well. 

This has screwed me rite up. I cant get the msgs out of my head as well as the sneaking around behind my back and the image of her kissing him. She says she is a mess and knows she needs help. She also sz she isnt happy and doesnt kno why and before we can even begin to heal, she has to fix herself. 

I think I luv her way more than she loves me. I think love is an issue for her. I said this last night....telling her, you dont feel love from ur mom and r not close with anyone in ur family, you dont feel love from your kids and u probably feel too much love from me, so maybe thats confusing her? Idk what to do from here.

We r still under the same roof and I work thru the nite and she works days, so we dont cross paths a whole lot and on weekends we r still sleepin in the same bed. We ended up having sex last sat morning. Idk why, I initiated it. I blame it on confusion and I still love her and wanted to be close and forget about things for a while I guess. She said that made her worse after, even tho she orgasmed for the first time in a few months. Sha was having problems reaching climax becuz of the side effects of the anti-depress. which is a well known symptom. We have a healthy sex life, doing it 2-3 times a week. Not bad for 10 yrs together, but i know i enjoy more than she does due to her sexual assaults as a child. 

Im kind of just waiting to see if this is fixable with therapy. I bought her a book "i love you but im not in love with you" thinking that might be the problem. She hasnt said that to me, but she has said she isnt happy and is struggling with her feelings towards me. Any advice? I dont want to lose my wife, marraige, kids, house etc. Im terrified of divorce and starting over.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

I'm glad you found the forum but sorry you've ended up here if that makes sense.

I am guessing you will get a lot of replies saying she is lying and that they have had sex. I am a mug, but her story has the ring of truth.

Either way she has cheated but perhaps you have caught this early enough to prevent a full blown affair.

You both need counselling as you've said.

Wanting to have sex with your wife is normal after this kind of shock - it's called "hysterical bonding". Enjoy it and take it for what it is.

Give yourself some time. There is no pressure on you here. Sit her down and tell her she needs to tell you the truth. She probably won't, but there are plenty of resources on here and elsewhere to confirm this.

Give her some time too as she will need to get her head around what she has done and fully understand the implications.

Take it easy.

Have a think.

Post back here with an update.

We are all rooting for you.



ps/ if you could go back and add some line breaks to your message it would be much easier to read.


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## betrayed2012 (Aug 3, 2012)

thnx, ill have to read your story now. Yeah I know my wife is suffering. Its like i feel sorry for her. Which is bizarre. I think i am too good to her. I feel she has taken me for granted the last year or so and i do a lot of the housework and work fulltime. I do a lot of the stuff with the kids too. She seems to be wrapped up in herself and her image and i pointed that out. told her its not about that anymore, its about the kids and the family and ur not 18 anymore, so enuf with the image bs.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

Therapy will help and she needs to continue going to the Dr to address feelings of depression ESPECIALLY since she had an abusive childhood. Knowing that you are checking up on her she will probably cool it for awhile. Stay astute. Once the guard is down the texting/facebooking coudl start again. She drunk-texted his once (been there done that) this could very easily happen again.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

betrayed2012 said:


> thnx, ill have to read your story now. Yeah I know my wife is suffering. Its like i feel sorry for her. Which is bizarre. I think i am too good to her. I feel she has taken me for granted the last year or so and i do a lot of the housework and work fulltime. I do a lot of the stuff with the kids too. She seems to be wrapped up in herself and her image and i pointed that out. told her its not about that anymore, its about the kids and the family and ur not 18 anymore, so enuf with the image bs.


Something I have learned from all this is that I have and had several quite distinct relationships with my wife:

A friend
A lover
Mother of our children
Carer
Someone to lean on
etc.

Not all of those relationships are affected to the same extent by infedility and each one continues in a different way.

I have found myself giving my wife, after she betrayed me totally, advice on how to fix *our* relationship. At one point I found myself warning her that she might not be able to trust everything I say because I have my own agenda.

Some of this has been driven by me knowing that she doesn't have any *real* friends outside of our marriage. When she betrayed me, she simply used the POS OM as her friend instead of me.

I hate her as a betrayer but still feel protective towards her as it's something I have done for 24 years.

Of course, she is still the mother of your child(ren) and you have an instinct to protect her from harm too - even if that harm has been brought about by herself.

It's really flippin' complicated and most of it isn't pleasant.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Your wife will need to commit not only to weekly individual counseling, but to your relationship as a whole. She needs to hit baseline with therapy and medication before you do couples counseling together. Most SSRI and SNRI take 3-5 weeks to reach peak efficacy levels, so until she has 4 weeks of meds under her belt without dosage changes, you wont really even be able to get a good read on where she is in terms of mental health. 

Her depression has to be controlled before you can make meaningful progress in repairing/rebuilding your marriage. I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head when you mentioned her desire to sabotage your marriage, and by extension, her adult life. Depression makes dealing with responsibility pretty difficult, and aside from getting a decent rush from the dopamine levels spiking in her system when she was/is<?> carrying on her affair, it was an easy path to "escape" the responsibilities and pressures of her life.

You should definitely consider seeing a therapist on a regular basis. One that deals with infidelity should suit you well. Consider seeing a psychiatrist and getting on some type of SSRI. I'm currently taking sertraline (zoloft) 150mg per day, the elevated levels of serotonin make it easier to let small stuff slide, get past the circular thoughts associated with an affair, and in general, be more confident on a day to day basis. Being unable to orgasm with any type of regularity is annoying, especially when you are used to a decent sex life, but I think the mental stability is worth it.

Do your due diligence, make sure she is not carrying on the affair underground. Insist on transparency and a formal no contact agreement between her and the OM. Quit that gym, and join a different one. Transparency is crucial, you will find a ton of threads about it here on TAM. There is no room for secrets in a marriage, especially a marriage in the early stages of rebuilding/recovering. Best of luck, and keep us posted.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Get a keylogger on all the computers in the house. You confronted way too early without enough proof. You can try recovering deleted facebook chats using some applications. If she has a smart phone, you can try retrieving the deleted messages. What phone does she have?


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## betrayed2012 (Aug 3, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Get a keylogger on all the computers in the house. You confronted way too early without enough proof. You can try recovering deleted facebook chats using some applications. If she has a smart phone, you can try retrieving the deleted messages. What phone does she have?


I have enuf proof. I caught her with the msgs. she fessed up. I do believe her when she sz she didnt have sex. I think she wanted to from what I read but it didnt get that far. I dont know if she was having some sort of reation from the anti depress. and wine or what? Ill tell u this tho, I have never seen or heard my wife talk like what she wrote. You could have told me it was a hacker and I would have bought it (almost but no).


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

betrayed2012 said:


> I have enuf proof. I caught her with the msgs. she fessed up. I do believe her when she sz she didnt have sex. I think she wanted to from what I read but it didnt get that far. I dont know if she was having some sort of reation from the anti depress. and wine or what? Ill tell u this tho, *I have never seen or heard my wife talk like what she wrote. *You could have told me it was a hacker and I would have bought it (almost but no).


You mean she had never had explicitly sexual chat/msgs with you the way she had with the OM? 
If yes then you should not ignore this fact. 
If she has never felt sexually attracted to you the way she has been feeling about the OM then you should wonder if it's worth fighting for this marriage at all.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> You mean she has never had never had explicitly sexual chat/msgs with you the way she had with the OM?
> If yes then you should not ignore this fact.
> If she has never felt sexually attracted to you the way she has been feeling about the OM then you should wonder if it's worth fighting for this marriage at all.


lovelygirl, not sexting is nothing to do with sexual attraction. Don't make the OP feel worse than he does by planting seeds of doubt where they don't need to be.


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## betrayed2012 (Aug 3, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> You mean she has never had never had explicitly sexual chat/msgs with you the way she had with the OM?
> If yes then you should not ignore this fact.
> If she has never felt sexually attracted to you the way she has been feeling about the OM then you should wonder if it's worth fighting for this marriage at all.


to be fair to her (which i shouldnt be). when we met in 2002, neither of us had cell phones and fb didnt come around till 2006. So no dirty texting back then. Also I just got a cell in the last year, so by the time I did get one, she was struggling with her feelings. I do take pics of her bf and during sex and some video, so she is into it in that way for sure.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I have been reading this for sometime and something seems clear.
She seems to have lost respect and hence,sexual attraction for you.

Rule#1
Women are NEVER sexually attracted to men they don't respect.

Every man should KNOW his wife and act at all times in a way that COMMANDS her respect.
In the Caribbean we have a saying: 
"..... You cannot put a mule in a thoroughbred race , he will loose everytime....."

From your post I can see you are a thoroughbred , but her " isues " and your lopsided love for her have blindsided your peripheral vision.

Stop blaming her past, because her msg to the OM were very explicit. Even the OM was shocked.

Stop blaming her meds , because while she was on/off them she was sexually attracted to the OM, *AND NOT YOU.*

Stop blaming her present circumstance , because she has a good life and you have done a lot of work to try to make life eaier for her.You have supported her and she has played you repaied your kindness with betrayal.

Never mind nothing physical might have happened,but the INTENT was there,in fact, if the OM didn't get " cold feet", things would have been worse.

BTW, find out if any of her" friends" knew about her and the OM and *GET RID OF THEM*..........


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Since you caught her "red handed" so to speak, why not insist on a polygraph to clarify any doubts. It sounds like she has a self esteem problem. Older women, (like older men) who chase younger guys are trying to prove something to themselves.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> She is wondering why im being so nice with her as of late? I told her I still love her thats why and if we are going to get thru this


Your answer to the affair was becoming a nicer and more loving husband? From what you wrote i get the feeling you protect this woman way too much. She had past problems? Fine, but that doesn't mean she can dump a world of hurt on you man. 

You made all sorts of rationalizations on why she did what she did. Fine, but let me ask a question you may not want to hear. What if she does it again?

Her depression, her history, still the same. Would a second event be different? Because, as far as i see it you haven't given her any consequence for her actions. Why should she not do it again? Perhaps when you get tired and go a few days without pampering her?

Do you want a wife or are you into her as some sort of Mercy Project?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

the first thing you need to do is read the newbies thread

second read Married Man Sex Life book or download

third read No More Mister Nice Guy " "


She has lost rspect and love for you. You have a good chance of getting it back.


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## betrayed2012 (Aug 3, 2012)

chapparal said:


> the first thing you need to do is read the newbies thread
> 
> second read Married Man Sex Life book or download
> 
> ...


where can i find these links brother?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> lovelygirl, not sexting is nothing to do with sexual attraction. Don't make the OP feel worse than he does by planting seeds of doubt where they don't need to be.


Given that she's someone who doesn't mind sexting [because that's what she did with OM] then it means she did with him *something she hadn't done with her H* prior to her affair. 

Even if there were no dirty texts back then between her and the OP, at least she should have had dirty TALK with him. 
But the OP says he had *never* seen/heard her write/talk that way *and she did it only with the OM. *

So, she's not someone who doesn't like sex talk/chat. 
She's just someone who prefers to have that kind of talk/chat with a man other than her H. That's why this is something to worry about.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

betrayed2012 said:


> I have enuf proof. I caught her with the msgs. she fessed up. I do believe her when she sz she didnt have sex. I think she wanted to from what I read but it didnt get that far. I dont know if she was having some sort of reation from the anti depress. and wine or what? Ill tell u this tho, I have never seen or heard my wife talk like what she wrote. You could have told me it was a hacker and I would have bought it (almost but no).


He thinks he has unique circumstances . Help him out guys


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

betrayed2012 said:


> where can i find these links brother?


newbie link is in my signature


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You found proof of her cheating with this guy, but you didn't address the prior stuff such as why her phone is glued to her. Depressed people withdraw, they don't spend so much time on their phone that it gets glued to them.

She needs to give you complete transparency. To her. Email, fb, phone ecc. She's using these tools to seek out and connect to have an affair. 

A consequence of her cheating is the she must give you full transparency.

Even if she didn't have full on sex, her affair was physical. She met up with him on dates and they got physical. Btw, they may have kissed the first time, but the fact they met up more times pretty much assures that it went farther each time, with her words in sext sealing the deal. If she had these desires and wrote him about them, she clearly had sex with him because the texts would be about them finally getting to be with each other if they hadn't had a first time. Instead they where about wilder stuff, stuff that existing partners offer up to take it higher and nastier.

Btw OM always lie to your face. You wife likely told him you found out and the dude had his speech coordinatated already.

As for her telling the other friend she didn't have sex as evidence? Well cheaters lie. To everyone without guilt, it's part of their nature to lie.

You need to continue to dig and monitor to see how bad and deep she is into the affair:
1. Var in her car
2. Get her old cell phone bills and see if there are any numbers which jump out, especially while your not around.
3. She must give you her passwords
4. She must let you know when/whom she is with
5. I think you should demand a polygraph
6. Go back and look at her credit card and see if she's charged hotels.
7. Does she have hotel frequent stay accounts? Look at them. Often cheaters will pay cash to avoid the credit charge showing up, but they get the hotel points.

Your gut has warned you for a long time that she maybe fooling around. Listen to it,you've gotten proof that at least recently you were right, so don't ignore the past. Investigate so you know you have the full truth, not what you've been told.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

At the beginning of D-day for me, I believed my WH when he said he just saw his OW a couple of times and they were not in a PA. I started on TAM mid-May (you can look up my first posting) saying this and almost everyone said, it is probably a PA as well as the EA. I insisited that I really didnt think they had sex....WELL......

Within a couple of weeks I did some on my own sleuthing and found out that they were in a PA for over a year, hot and heavy. I knew we were having trouble, and things weren't seeming "right" ...just like you felt. We went to MC for a year (all along unknowing to me he was in the EA/PA), so really a waste of time.

Seriously, look into this more closely, get VAR for her car, try to get into computer and phone and check on her for a couple of weeks to see if you find something. (I only had the VAR since i dont know how to get into the electronics)

More likely than not it is PA. You should find out either way. Don't ignore and deny this. 

Good luck and so sorry you are going thru this. I still am although I know I will D my WH. Just can't get past the betrayal and lies.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Evey one think their case is unique OP too believe the same but we know she is lieing and TT. OP is rug sweeping.

Put a VAR on her car, key logger on her computer. She is lying to you she will never tell you the truth until you find it yourself.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Note that long term use of antidepressives is not good for the brain. Find a good therapist to address her cause of depression. Find a good doctor or naturopath to address any health related cause. These would be hard to find since there are so many incompetents (that's what it appears) around.

But still, this is not an excuse for her cheating.


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## lostagain! (Jul 31, 2012)

It sounds like at this point you have caught her at doing many things that are questionable and if she had gone through with a PA then she would've fessed up by now. She has nothing left to lose and if she was truly unhappy and didnt love you as much as she says then telling you about a PA would be nothing to her but icing on the cake to achieve her goal of a single life. At this point its more about making yourself happy and doing what you need to do for you and your kids. If she wants to continue to be with you then she will make the changes necessary and be the wife you need her to.

I only say this because just prior to my 11th wedding anniversary I found out my husband of 13 yrs now cheated on me the whole first 12 years of our life together. After realizing that there was nothing left to hide, he finally fessed up to the complete truth even though it could mean the end of our marriage and our family.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

betrayed2012 said:


> where can i find these links brother?


Both books are available on amazon.com

AR linked newbies thread


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

betrayed2012 said:


> So i got her out of the shower and demanded answers. She couldnt explain it and said i was jumping to conclusions...I read the msgs to her and was almost throwing up I was so sick to my stomach. She said they havent had sex and swore on her childrens lives while looking me in the eye.


I hate to tell you this, but "swearing on the childrens' lives" is a phrase I'd never heard before coming to TAM. And unfortunately, every single time it's been invoked by a cheater--you can read threads for yourself until you can't stand it any more--this particular phrase, coupled with looking you dead in your eyes, has always turned out to be a lie. I wish I could tell you differently.

If you read enough threads, you will find that cheaters follow a "script" which means that when caught with their clothes off straight out of the shower, they are not going to come up with an original strategy for avoiding hard questions from their loyal spouse.

I don't see how the OM can be a reliable witness, he has every single incentive to lie to the bitter end.

I sincerely hope you find out differently. And I'd get an STD checkup because if they did have sex, you'll likely learn that it was unprotected.

On the subject of her sabotaging the marriage, this is also a common theme. This isn't true of all cheaters (certainly not the majority) but a significant number have suffered from abuse or difficult times as children. What these folks will often tell you is that they are "unloveable." They are often mystified as to why anyone could love them. They didn't experience love when they were young, and so it is a challenge for them to give it to others. They will from time to time engage in self-destructive behavior--that is, they don't deserve you, you will likely eventually reject them, so they will beat you to the punch by doing something that will cause you to push them away.

If that's her situation--here is the thing. You have already seen for yourself, better than anyone could ever tell you, that all the love in the world does not "fix" someone with this serious issue. If it did, surely all the time you've spent together by now would have done the trick. She has to UNDERSTAND she has a problem, and she has to WANT to fix it. All of this is entirely under HER control and no one else's.

I'm glad you perceive the need for IC. Also MC (be sure and find someone educated in the issues of infidelity--or you may end up paying someone to tell you how YOU are the source of all her problems and to "get over" her cheating).

Do you know what I think is going on with her looking at FB for old boyfriends? I expect she is privately messaging them, too. There was nothing special about that 22 year old--she told him she wanted sex with no strings attached. So it isn't a stretch to find that she's been reaching out to other men in her life with a similar suggestion. I don't say that to hurt you, but you need to be coldly clinical about this and leave your own emotions at the door, until you have a better understanding of the scope of what she's done.


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## betrayed2012 (Aug 3, 2012)

so heres an update. Its been just over a month since i saw the disturbing texts. She is going to her third IC session next week. The therapist has told her she needs to see a dr. and have him reccomend a physciatric evaluation since the therapist thinks she has a form of bipolar. My wife is suffering from depression and is currentlly on ssri drugs but apparently it is a step up from what I thought. She is booked to see our dr. next week. It does run in her family, so idk.....n e ways she seems to be taking all the rite steps in that aspect and we r still intimate in terms of sex, kissing, hugging etc. She hasnt been going out as much, just to a friends place here and there. I did c her coming home from her friends house's area when I was driving to pick up a friend. I asked to see her contact list on her phone a couple weeks back. She didnt like that but finally relented and there was nothing out of the ordinary. I also stated that she could easily have a made up girls name in the list to cover for a guys name and i'd never know. i said there could be an email or twitter account i dont know about and she could communicate thru that means to avoid me finding out about anyone else. I did some snooping on her email account i do know about and she changed her phone account pay to cover unlimited pics and vids for 11 bucks a month more. Probably becuz I looked at her invoice tonight and it was 35 bucks more this month than usual. I said to her "did u end up changing ur account for unlimited pics and she lied and said no." I didnt call her on it cuz she would then kno i was checking her email. I didnt even kno about the big bill at that point. She probably did and didnt want to get into it, but when that bill is paid next week i will see it on the visa. Unless she goes right into the store and pays cash. But then i'll question that cash being spent. If I have to I will tell her i was snooping and know all about it. My thoughts are that we did go to our firends wedding during the bill time period and she probably will say that she took alot of pics before the wedding and sent them to a few of her friends. I do know its 50 cents a pic sent, so we're looking at 80 sent. Which is way too many. I know she sends pics back and forth to her firends. Im just concerned that since she lied and lied and lied again then what if she is sending erotic photos to a guy. that wo8uld be a hell of a lot of pics. my guess is that 1 or 2 would be sent not tonnes. maybe im overreacting but I have reason to. She cheated and got caught, now shes lying about switching the phone over, although the reason for that will probably be that she thinks i'll be really pissed off about the bill and question things. im just soo stressed right now. If it is bi polar can I make this marriage work? Was that the reason she cheated? The impulsive behaviour of bi polar? She still cant think of why she cheated and wants everything back to the way it use to be. The way it used to be was this:::it was pretty damn good and no issues whatsoever. She really gave a crap about me and I could feel the love and always trusted her. If this is bipolar that caused her to go off and do such a moronic thing then do I ever forgive her. I havent yet. I still ask her if she has seen him and she says she hasnt seen him in months. would she actually be sending him pics on her phone if I caught her thru fb and exposed the affair that was done 2 months prior? So many questions. The phone bill being hi could easily be her checking fb at work and since she doesnt have a data plan and they dont have wifi there then the money could be flying with usage.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She is still lying and hiding whatever it is.

Did you install a key logger on the home computer? If she has an iphone/android, there are keylogger apps for it. You can try installing them. Something is definitely off.


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## betrayed2012 (Aug 3, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> She is still lying and hiding whatever it is.
> 
> Did you install a key logger on the home computer? If she has an iphone/android, there are keylogger apps for it. You can try installing them. Something is definitely off.


She never bothers usuing the home cpu anymore. Not since she got her lg android phone. Im never arounhd the phone so theres no way I can put a keylogger on it. Ur right, something is def. off and its her mind. She told me some days she is okay with everything and then some days she just wants to be left alone. That isnt normal behaviour. Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Would I be happier with my youngest son alone starting fresh without all this bs and stress? I mean is the stress ever going to go away? Can I ever fully trust her again? Probably not. My hope is that she gets diagnosed and the proper meds are given to her and then she can get back to being the woman I married, not this disaster she has become. I wont stick around forever, but I need to see if she can be fixed. I will question her about the phonebill for sure and have to out myself on snooping. I still check her fb but my guess is that she knows I do or assumes that I do. She hasnt changed her password, so im wondering if she thinks the kobo reader got rid of her password and she thinks I cant check it anymore or that she assumes I have access to it and by changing the password she will look more suspicious. She has deleted a msg for sure to her friend becuz the reply to her g/f says "door is open lovely" which might have been a reply to something like, I might need to stay with you for a bit? Who knows, but she deleted the msg to her friend thats for sure. Who is to say she isnt deleting others, since she blatlantly lied to me about the phone account switch just last nite even tho I stress so much about her being straight up. Mentally ****ed is what I say to myself about her sometimes. I cant believe someone could get this ****ed up after being a caring wife for so long.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She needs to be an open book after her affair. There is privacy and there is secrecy. But right after an affair, there is no privacy if she has to regain your trust. No, You cannot trust her now at all if she remains secretive. And she will have to regain your trust for the marriage to work. Tell her that.

Do you have access to her phone account ? Can you see who she is making calls to? Data plan means she has multiple options to chat with other people without the record coming up on the phone records. I think she knows the FB is compromised.


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## betrayed2012 (Aug 3, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> She needs to be an open book after her affair. There is privacy and there is secrecy. But right after an affair, there is no privacy if she has to regain your trust. No, You cannot trust her now at all if she remains secretive. And she will have to regain your trust for the marriage to work. Tell her that.
> 
> Do you have access to her phone account ? Can you see who she is making calls to? Data plan means she has multiple options to chat with other people without the record coming up on the phone records. I think she knows the FB is compromised.


well she doesnt have a data plan that is for sure. She might be getting charged by the minute using the internet on her phone if not in a wifi area. I dont know Warlock, Im obviously keeping an eye on things and she will have to fess up with the charges come sept 4th. If she pays it in cash I will question her on what I saw. It could be a simple mistake on the phone companies part for all i know, thats why I do want to see the invoice of where the charges are coming from.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

As part of her being given a chance to R and as a consequence of her cheating - you should be demanding to have all her passwords and open access to her phone email and text at all times.

I'm also worried that you don't know where she is going out to at all times - right now she should be a completely open book always - and letting you know where and who she is with at all times.

Do you have a VAR in her car?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW - I believe the times when she seems off could likely be caused by her contacting him. Trust your gut, don't just dismiss your gut's feeling because she might have bi-polar.


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## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

I was going to say the same thing as Shaggy.... that her mood swings may have nothing to do with bi-polar at all.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> As part of her being given a chance to R and as a consequence of her cheating - you should be demanding to have all her passwords and open access to her phone email and text at all times.
> 
> I'm also worried that you don't know where she is going out to at all times - right now she should be a completely open book always - and letting you know where and who she is with at all times.
> 
> Do you have a VAR in her car?


And Gps her phone and car.

This is no way to reconcile. My jaw has become unhinged. 

Have you been reading other threads here?

If she wants to reconcile you get access to her phone, texys, emails passwords, facebook etc.

And NO GNO's.

My Lord!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Read Married Man Sex Life, (its not a sex manual) NOW.

Print this off and study it with your wife.

Be firm and strong , not a jerk or emotional.


Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

And Betrayed stop using the word "SNOOPING", you are protecting your marriage.

She can no longer be trusted and has to live with that.

And if she gives you lip then just tell her you know she is still lying about certain things.

You have gotten great advice.

You should put a VAR in the car. A GPS for a while would not hurt as well.

And tell her to not delete any messages in FB!

I am sure a few of her GF's are toxic to your marriage. hey probably think she is in love with gym boy and they tell her she should go do whatever will make her happy.

These same friends probably have no clue that she is depressed, possible BiPolar and is on heavy Anti Drepressants prescribed by a MD/IC.

Why do they not know? Because cheaters lie. For many of us it is the lies that kill the marriage more than the act of infidelity.

Hang strong Betrayed. Your wife is showing classic signs for a person that was abused during their childhood.

Sad but true.

HM64


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## betrayed2012 (Aug 3, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> and betrayed stop using the word "snooping", you are protecting your marriage.
> 
> She can no longer be trusted and has to live with that.
> 
> ...


u hit the nail on the head in ur last sentence. Multiple sexual assaults that she aknowledges but wont talk about with me. Mother was horrible, od on prescription drugs, alocol abuse by both parents. She had it bad no doubt. At least she is making an effort with counselling, staying on her meds and going to see a dr for a physciatric evaluation for bipolar. At this point im in a standstill but the phone bill doubled will be comin up soon for sure on my end.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Just stick with her and see if she can work through her issues.

And be clear with her that if she cannot work on her issues and behave like an adult there will be consequences.

Good Luck


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