# Just a Friend Or More to IT



## marriedNjacksonvilleFL (Aug 13, 2010)

This is my first time ever posting and i think i know the answer yet my so called love of my life means so much to me. I have been married for 4.5 years and we have 2 kids, about 4 months ago my wife comes home from a girls night out and had a little to much to drink and is real paranoid about her phone. so after she passes out i take sneek at her logged calls and text. there is a number i dont recognise and i question her the next day. over the past 4 months the text are to a so called JUST friend that she has only known since january!!! the text that i have read are meaningless, but i am extremly paranoid now and check the cell phone bill daily and their are text that are deleted. like alot of post she blames me, invasion of privacy etc. our marriage has been rocky the past year and i think with at least 30-40 text a day that there is more to there relationship........ she lies and hides her phone when i am around now and i havent been able to read a single text. but i dont want a divorce for my kids sake...... but i dont know what to do if we divorce i am screwed for she is a stay at home mom. i did put a logger on the computer and there is never an email or anything typed to him, just text if she has a girls night he always meets her out. she tells me that he just moved here and that he doesnt know anyone. they met because his parents live nwxt door to my in-LAWS. the inlaws know and they are my side because all i want is what is best for my kids, at this point the whole family seems to be against her and agree with me. that a married women or man doesnt have single friends of the opposite sex( at least text and hang out alone) am i wrong to think she is cheating on me and how do i really find out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

If the cell phone account is in your name, you can request a transcript of the text messages from the phone co.

Q~


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## MarlonFamilton (May 15, 2010)

I like to use this standard for communication with people outside the marriage: emails, texts, voice mails, etc., should all be such that if the other partner reads it, they are not upset. If she is deleting texts and getting 30 to 40 texts per day, I doubt that they would all pass this standard.

Bottom line: Her relationship with this other person is hurting you and that's the real issue. 

Your gut is telling you that 30 to 40 texts a day feels wrong. Listen to your gut. How many texts does she send you each day? How often to you and her go out?

What do you do? Talk directly with her, but realize that she may not be honest. She may not be willing to stop. A partner is who is suspected of having another relationship, when confronted, will often become more defensive and attacking instead of honest and open. 

This means that A) you have got to be gentile and respectful. If you slip into yelling, name calling, etc., it won't go well. B) Talk directly to her by sharing what you are feeling, what you want her to do (don't say what you want her NOT to do), and ask her to explain what need she has that you are not meeting in the relationship. This should be a good place to start. 

Ideally your relationship will have a low threshold of responsiveness and you both can talk gently with each other. If she won't talk, go to counseling, etc. You can only set boundaries with what you are willing to do. "I'm willing to stay and talk as long as we can do so respectfully." 

~Marlon


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

SHES CHEATING, MAYBE!
Go online, you will find all kinds of info{type in "cheating wife"} its that simple so start searching and find the truth.
One more thing DO NOT LET HER KNOW OUR SNOOPING UNTIL YOU HAVE UNDINIELABLE PROOF!
other wise it will go like this;
"we're friends"
"just joking"
"you are not trusting"
"you're peronioa"
" he's MY friend"
Do you want me to go on? I hope shes been straight with you beacuse this infidelity grap sucks
If you jump the gun on this she will ba more cautious 
-get proof
-confront
- and repair


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## watt_hapnd (Aug 14, 2010)

My husband has made me feel that he has cheated on me so many times, I have literally lost count! 
And most of the time I have felt like this was due to the txt msging on his phone. And what made things worse for us was when i would find these on his phone and he would respond, indeniably very quickly. It would annoy me so much I didnt know half the time what was the best thing to do in order to have this doubt with. 
I think the thing that bothers me still is the fact that he still denies all of the flirting and sociable times he's had with other women. 

We've never had problems that have come in between us like medication and stuff like that. Its always just been his wants and needs of wanting to socialize with other people especially when alcohols involved. 
My husband used the excuse, he's felt like a prisoner in his own home by not being allowed to go out with friends. 

You are trying to be a devoted husband to your wife I can see from what youve written by letting her have what she wants in order to still keep together the family you both have built. 

Bless you both through this..


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

watt_hapnd said:


> My husband has made me feel that he has cheated on me so many times, I have literally lost count!
> And most of the time I have felt like this was due to the txt msging on his phone. And what made things worse for us was when i would find these on his phone and he would respond, indeniably very quickly. It would annoy me so much I didnt know half the time what was the best thing to do in order to have this doubt with.
> I think the thing that bothers me still is the fact that he still denies all of the flirting and sociable times he's had with other women.
> 
> ...


I am going through exactly what you are saying WATT. My husband is constantly getting numbers when he goes out with the boys - TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE - nevermind the flirting texts I've found between him and them!1 I have begun therapy b/c I no longer trust him and feel that he leads a double life. I know if I tell him I've gone through his phone and read some of his messages he'd either flip out or respond with "they're my friends, it's innocent, blah blah" - I am waiting until I have solid proof. I went through tthis 3 years ago and revealed my snooping way too early and he sugar coated everything stating it was a platonic relationship (I only saw phone records and toll records). I took his word and figured he'd change after being caught but I think I was completely wrong!


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

Without hard evidence there is no clear cut way to say she is cheating or not. What she IS doing is being dishonest about the relationship and that's not cool. If it is a friendship there should be full transparency.

My wife recently did something similar. She was seeing an ex and lying about it to me. The relationship was platonic, there was no PA. But it bordered on an EA only for the fact that she was using him as an escape from me. She wasn't in love with him or falling in love with him or anything. Just wanted to hang out and BS just to get away from me.

If you aren't cool with this and it compromises who you are then I say snoop. Make sure you have something concrete before you approach her with anything. She's not being completely open with you on this so IMO she has no right to be angry because her actions justify yours. Just my 2 cents.

Feel free to read what I went through. In the end my wife and I are divorcing. Not because of the EA, but because of the issues that led up to the EA.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/15698-infidelity-not-infidelity.html


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

BuddyL33 said:


> Without hard evidence there is no clear cut way to say she is cheating or not. What she IS doing is being dishonest about the relationship and that's not cool. If it is a friendship there should be full transparency.
> 
> My wife recently did something similar. She was seeing an ex and lying about it to me. The relationship was platonic, there was no PA. But it bordered on an EA only for the fact that she was using him as an escape from me. She wasn't in love with him or falling in love with him or anything. Just wanted to hang out and BS just to get away from me.
> 
> ...



You make some terrific points buddy. I just posted a new thread (shoudl i outright leave or try to work it out) - would love to hear your take on my situation.


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## BuddyL33 (Jul 16, 2009)

Anonny123 said:


> You make some terrific points buddy. I just posted a new thread (shoudl i outright leave or try to work it out) - would love to hear your take on my situation.


Posted


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

People can have friends of the opposite sex. I have a female friend who is "just a friend". We share some hobbies and are in the same career field. We discuss politics and do email and text. But, we have boundaries. No discussions of relationship issues or sex. No topics I wouldn't have with my wife. If I come across a single guy who I think might be a good fit for her, I let her know.

My spouse hasn't asked to see texts or emails. But, she could read them without any reservations on my part. There isn't anything there to see or get worried about.


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