# Wife wants to have/know his passwords



## dantanph

Hi guys! I am a wife who wants to feel emotionally secure in her marriage. One way for me to feel that way is for me to have a good full access to my husband's email, facebook, and phone records. I feel that if someone is not hiding anything, there is no point they hold onto their passwords, right? My husband does not want to give me the new passwords he set up for his accounts. I told him that I will give him equal access to all my emails, facebook, etc. Am I asking too much? Isn't it a wife's right to know what her husband is doing online. Also, it is a husband's right to know what his wife is doing online, right?

Any point of view on this?


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## Deejo

Depends.

If you have reason to suspect that your husband is betraying you, it makes sense. His refusal of course only tends to further the view that he has something to hide.

However ...

If he is doing nothing wrong, and simply believes that your request is being made as a result of your own insecurity or a desire to control or moderate him, then he isn't going to want to give them up. And in my opinion, he shouldn't have to. If my partner wanted my passwords for no other reason than to keep tabs on me, I would have a problem with that.

So which is it?


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## dantanph

Deejo said:


> Depends.
> 
> If you have reason to suspect that your husband is betraying you, it makes sense. His refusal of course only tends to further the view that he has something to hide.
> 
> However ...
> 
> If he is doing nothing wrong, and simply believes that your request is being made as a result of your own insecurity or a desire to control or moderate him, then he isn't going to want to give them up. And in my opinion, he shouldn't have to. If my partner wanted my passwords for no other reason than to keep tabs on me, I would have a problem with that.
> 
> So which is it?


Both. Yes to the first one, I believe, there is something going on somewhere. Secondly, I also want to keep tabs on him.


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## katie jane

My past experience tells me he has something to hide ! If he was happy for you to have passcodes before what's changed? I'd add a keylogger he doesn't have to know you have used one and your find out if he has anything to hide . Why should a husband and wife have passcodes to there emails unless something was being hidden !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359

There really should not be secrets in a marriage. If it starts out that way--sharing everything (like FB accounts, etc)--then a change in behavior is indicative of a problem. If a spouse has something s/he cannot share with their partner, there is already a problem. Note I said, "cannot share" as in, needing to hide it. Choosing not to share--ideas the partner might not understand (work related, for example), stuff about hobbies the partner does not care to hear about (which shouldn't be much, anyway), etc., is different. The moment one spouse is having a thought they feel they "can't" share b/c it would hurt the partner, that is the sign TO share it, as painful as it might be. "I find myself attracted to . . ." needs to be shared, not hidden, not discussed with anyone else. "I'm feeling bored in our marriage" needs to be shared with the partner, not kept a secret. 

In your case, the very fact that you feel something is going on is worth investigating--WITH him. Tell him flat out, "I'm feeling insecure in our marriage, and I want us to work on this." Do not blame him or his behavior--we all have bouts of insecurity in our lives and sometimes the other person's behavior becomes a proxy for our anxiety, when our anxiety may be stemming from something we don't even realize. Seek counseling now. Let him know you feel insecure and it isn't optional. See where that goes. Good luck!


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## dantanph

Thanks everyone! 

I am seeing a counselor. My husband does not. I don't think he believes in counseling at all.


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## norajeanne

Talking to a counselor is the way to go.....kudos to you

Your emotional reaction may be so strong that you simply cannot make the choice right now......

For all you know, it may be nothing....

Sometimes guys do those kind of things because they just do not like the way we ask.....

Let's not go to deep into it yet or you might just end up regretting it.

Personally, I think you need to build the trust and confidence your spouse have in you.

Good Luck


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## seeking sanity

If you think he is cheating, and you want to find out for sure, then asking him in passwords, etc, will just drawn an affair deeper underground. He'll just move to a secret gmail account, or use a prepaid phone.

If you DO think he's cheating, then back off and install a key logger. You'll find out what you need to know.


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## SweetiepieMI

........Keylogger.......


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## turnera

Someone here hired a friend to follow his wife, and thus he found out the truth. Worth considering...


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## sandyrose

dantanph said:


> Hi guys! I am a wife who wants to feel emotionally secure in her marriage. One way for me to feel that way is for me to have a good full access to my husband's email, facebook, and phone records. I feel that if someone is not hiding anything, there is no point they hold onto their passwords, right? My husband does not want to give me the new passwords he set up for his accounts. I told him that I will give him equal access to all my emails, facebook, etc. Am I asking too much? Isn't it a wife's right to know what her husband is doing online. Also, it is a husband's right to know what his wife is doing online, right?
> 
> Any point of view on this?


You do have the right to know what your husband is doing online. My boyfriend hid everything he did online from me and I found out later he was cybercheating... whats your reason for wanting to know his password?


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## psychocandy

I dont agree with keyloggers unless you really think theres somehting going on. The damage it can do to a relationship if he/she finds out and shes totally not guilty....

I used to know all my wifes passwrods etc but I got stupidly paranoid about things. If I saw something strange on her fb account I'd jump to thje wrong conclusions. In the end, we both decided it'd be best for me not to know - to take temptation out of the way so to speak.


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## DawnD

Mine opinion is based on the fact that my H had an affair. Since he did, we both have full access to each others cells, emails, facebooks, etc. I figured if he is giving me access to his, then he should be able to see mine also.


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## Nekko

So...just my opinion. If he were cheating, he'd want to prove he isn't.  Because he'd get you off your back, so he'd give you all passwords and switch to a mail acct you don't know about. 

It highly depends on how you put it. If you just clearly stated you want all passwords (read ='i don't trust you at all') than it's clear that he'll be annoyed and not want to give them. People need and deserve privacy, even in a couple.


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## ChrisMStevenson

If he has given you reason to think that something is going on then I think it justifies spying a bit to get to the bottom of things. The easiest way to just get his passwords is to use a hardware keylogger that you just plug into the keyboard port, but you can also consider more comprehensive monitoring software like Webwatcher.

Here's a picture of a USB keylogger:


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## psychocandy

DawnD said:


> Mine opinion is based on the fact that my H had an affair. Since he did, we both have full access to each others cells, emails, facebooks, etc. I figured if he is giving me access to his, then he should be able to see mine also.


Thats different. If hes cheated in the past then he loses all rights to be trusted unconditonally.


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## DawnD

Very true, but I wish we had just done that from the start. It seems a lot of things could have possibly been prevented if we had.


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## psychocandy

Hmm. Prevented. So you reckon he wouldnt have cheated?


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## Butters

dantanph said:


> Hi guys! I am a wife who wants to feel emotionally secure in her marriage. One way for me to feel that way is for me to have a good full access to my husband's email, facebook, and phone records. I feel that if someone is not hiding anything, there is no point they hold onto their passwords, right? My husband does not want to give me the new passwords he set up for his accounts. I told him that I will give him equal access to all my emails, facebook, etc. Am I asking too much? Isn't it a wife's right to know what her husband is doing online. Also, it is a husband's right to know what his wife is doing online, right?
> 
> Any point of view on this?


I have to completely disagree with you on this. My wife demanded to know all my passwords and I relented and gave her all of the info. I feel, and felt untrusted and belittled. There is a large segment of people who believe that "if there's nothing hide, why worry", but what's being discounted is privacy, trust, and a sense of freedom. I've never cheated on my wife, nor carried on an online relationship; to me, it's just that she had the temerity to demand it.

I gave up my information to my wife and I deeply regret it. It has made me feel like I'm not trusted. I resent the fact she asked for it and I feel it relects more on her emotional issues.

My 2 cents.


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## seeking sanity

This is a tough one. While I was married I respected my wife's privacy, never thought to look through her mail or phone logs. Then she cheated and I became an expert sleuth. Would she have cheated if I'd been in her email prior? Probably, just would have been more clever about hiding it. 

I'd say, if you are concerned about cheating, then snoop but don't ask permission. If you aren't concerned about cheating and just want to control your guy, then deal with your issues and butt out. If he has cheated in past, then all bets are off and he MUST give complete transparency. Once trust is lost, it can never be fully regained.


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## ommbic

im in the same boat with my wife the other day i reactivated my facebook accout and all i got was your checking up on me i mean what the heck and she also wouldnt let me get into her cell phone bill online i mean what the heck if we both pay the bills with our money why cant i just look at it she said it was an invation of her privacy wtf man help me too understand that


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## AlexNY

dantanph said:


> ... Isn't it a wife's right to know what her husband is doing online. Also, it is a husband's right to know what his wife is doing online, right?


I agree that there is no right to privacy within marriage ... but there is an expectation of trust.

Do you have a right to snoop? _Yes_!

Does your husband have a right to be disappointed and hurt by your mistrust? _Yes_!

Asking to snoop in his private matters is a very serious thing. _You had better have a good reason, and if he is innocent you had better be ready to ask for forgiveness afterwards._

Good luck.


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## dantanph

Thank you all for your replies.

I still feel I need to know it. The fact that I know it gives me a sense of security and that my husband trusts me.


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## Butters

Your call, but I'd be REALLY suprised if he doesn't feel some resentment towards you over it.


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## DawnD

psychocandy said:


> Hmm. Prevented. So you reckon he wouldnt have cheated?


He still could have cheated, but I wouldn't have been left in the dark as long, and being able to get into his emails and stuff would have helped me see what was going on with him. ( He was embarrassed to tell me he liked watching porn, which if I had seen his inbox full of it I guess I would have known). Had I gotten the chance to see what it was he didn't feel like he could talk to me about, it MIGHT have been prevented, but of course I can't say for sure.


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## Nekko

'The fact that I know it gives me a sense of security and that my husband trusts me. '
It could also have the exact opposite effect on your husband, make him feel like he's hunted and you don't trust him. Hope you know that. You're trading an artificial imposed security over a genuine one (where he'd actually feel inclined to tell you because he trusts you and you trust him).


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## notreadytoquit

My husband and I are going through some tough time. He has had a BB for over 7 years. I never had any reason to snoop into it because it was all work stuff. However lately as per my post in the same forum he has been acting really strange(read my 7 pages in my post) and when last night I asked him to show me the BB he also gave me the "privacy" response. If he has had a password since the beginning I would have not thought anything of it. But all of a sudden? I don't have password on mine and half the time I leave it sitting around the house. I have access to his yahoo account(I created it for him) and he knows that but he has been slowing shifting everything to his BB so only useless stuff goes into the Yahoo account. 

He says there is none else but I am sure he is confiding to someone and I am sure there will be some evidence of it in his BB. I just hope it does not go beyond confession.


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## laredo

Everyone needs a few secrets.


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## turnera

gary, how long has it been since you have honestly looked at your marriage? Do you Love Bust her (do things that make her unhappy)? Do you meet all her needs? We get into ruts, and that causes us to stop caring if our mate is happy. But youre here, so YOU are the person who can turn your marriage around. If she checks up that much, she likely feels like YOU don't love HER. Why is that? Her actions are signs of insecurity. Are you doing what needs to be done to make her feel loved?


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## jen121419

dantanph said:


> Hi guys! I am a wife who wants to feel emotionally secure in her marriage. One way for me to feel that way is for me to have a good full access to my husband's email, facebook, and phone records. I feel that if someone is not hiding anything, there is no point they hold onto their passwords, right? My husband does not want to give me the new passwords he set up for his accounts. I told him that I will give him equal access to all my emails, facebook, etc. Am I asking too much? Isn't it a wife's right to know what her husband is doing online. Also, it is a husband's right to know what his wife is doing online, right?
> 
> Any point of view on this?


I can tell you from experience that it is not worth it. I am newly separated from my husband of 6 years, although not really by my choice, and I have many times felt the desire to go through his personal e-mail or bank accounts or phone records just to see what he is up to. I can really understand the desire. Ultimately, though, I want my marriage to work and I'm not going to violate his trust again and again just to make myself feel more secure. I either trust him or I don't... and I'm choosing to trust.
You might be a lot like me.... an insecure person who measures their own self-worth by the number of people who love them, most especially their husband. Like I said, I'm in a similar boat, and when I look critically at myself, this is what I see and I don't like it. For all the problems my marriage may have... this is not one of them. This is my problem. Good luck!


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## psychocandy

Butters said:


> I have to completely disagree with you on this. My wife demanded to know all my passwords and I relented and gave her all of the info. I feel, and felt untrusted and belittled. There is a large segment of people who believe that "if there's nothing hide, why worry", but what's being discounted is privacy, trust, and a sense of freedom. I've never cheated on my wife, nor carried on an online relationship; to me, it's just that she had the temerity to demand it.
> 
> I gave up my information to my wife and I deeply regret it. It has made me feel like I'm not trusted. I resent the fact she asked for it and I feel it relects more on her emotional issues.
> 
> My 2 cents.


And Butters is spot on here. If you aint up to anything its not fair to be treated as if you might be.


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## brankj2007

It is not a wife's right!! I dont know why wifes think that? My wife looks over my shoulder everytime that I am looking at my e-mail or am on the computer At no time in my marrage vows did I give up my right to privacy.


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## turnera

Privacy is what you do in the bathroom. Secrecy is telling people online what you won't say in person in front of your wife. 

Secrecy ruins marriages.


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## NothingMan

turnera said:


> Privacy is what you do in the bathroom. Secrecy is telling people online what you won't say in person in front of your wife.
> 
> Secrecy ruins marriages.



QFT. One caveat..if you snoop and find nothing..and he finds out you snooped..your in big trouble. The kind that sometimes you cant fix. Keep that in mind when your brain is telling you that you HAVE to know. Sometimes..you dont.



N.


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## Dwayne

Speaking from experience, in marriage people (husbands & wives) expect a certain amount of trust and privacy. My wife, now ex-wife, felt she too needed to know my email passwords and read my phone bill. At first I resisted because I felt I was being persecuted for no reason, then after some persistence on her part I gave in. I gave her unrestricted access to all of my accounts as she had ask. Even though I had never given her a reason to mistrust me, she started to ask about email I received from female business associates. She checked numbers on my cellphone bills and even went so far as to install disk snoop on my computer. I felt like a convicted felon in our relationship. The more I went to talk to her about it, the more she stuck by the fact that "if I didn't have anything to hide then I shouldn't mind". Though I didn't have anything to hide I minded because it made me feel as thought I couldn't be trusted or that I was paying for the sins of another. Since she couldn't listen to reason I left and divorced her.

If he hasn't given you a reason to snoop, don't do it because while he may comply but it will ruin your relationship in the end.


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## turnera

It _may_ ruin your relationship, if you don't have one built on mutual respect and trust and utter honesty to begin with. But then, that's not a great marriage to start with, is it?


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## turnera

Sorry, but that doesn't make me feel sorry for you. 

The point is, it is YOU who wants a better marriage. Right? She is perfectly happy with what she has. So, if anyone is going to take a step to change it, it will have to be you. Sucks, but it's where you are.

I'm basing this on psychology. Psychologically speaking, there is _something_ that makes her not want to invest in you. Now, it could be that she's a just a cold-hearted b&tch. That'd be great, huh? Then you could blame it all on her, and you wouldn't have to look at yourself. And then you divorce.

Or...you could face facts, accept the fact that it is YOU who is here looking for advice - or were you just wanting someone to commiserate with you? - and consider whether there IS something you can do differently, to get the result you want. 

You say you do everything...did you ever consider that WHAT you do is NOT what matters to her? Say you have a wife who thinks romance is stupid, who'd rather have a husband who puts up shelves in the garage so she can organize their stuff (yeah, that's me, lol), and you, year after year, keep giving her roses and a card and box of candy for Valentines Day, even though she tells you how much she wants those shelves. Then, 10 years later, she tells you that you never listen to her, you never help, you're selfish, yada yada...what just happened?

You just spent 10 years doing what YOU think she wants, without actually listening to her and HEARING from her what she really wants. 

Were you loving? Sure. Was it a waste of time? Maybe. Would you have gotten a different marriage from her if you'd built her shelves instead of doing what YOU liked to do for her? Most definitely.

And would it have been different if SHE listened to what YOU like? Of course! But most people don't know those things when they first get married. So you flounder along doing what you can, until you end up fed up, at a place like this, asking for suggestions.

This is my suggestion.

Oh, I forgot to add, that if she is truly a prima donna, and has always been that way, you won't change her. She grew up thinking the world - and especially a husband - owes her everything. I've seen plenty of those. You can try putting your foot down. You can tell her to get a job cos you're cancelling the credit cards and the internet and the cable. You can man up, and hope that she won't dump you and find another guy to use.

BUT...if she is that way because SHE is just as miserable as YOU are...well then you need to ask yourself why. Why is she miserable?


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## RunnerGirl

dantanph said:


> Hi guys! I am a wife who wants to feel emotionally secure in her marriage. One way for me to feel that way is for me to have a good full access to my husband's email, facebook, and phone records. I feel that if someone is not hiding anything, there is no point they hold onto their passwords, right? My husband does not want to give me the new passwords he set up for his accounts. I told him that I will give him equal access to all my emails, facebook, etc. Am I asking too much? Isn't it a wife's right to know what her husband is doing online. Also, it is a husband's right to know what his wife is doing online, right?
> 
> Any point of view on this?


I am a woman (sorry, lurking!) but that seems crazy to me. 

I don't care if I'm not doing anything, I'm not going to respond to jealous/insecure requests positively and reinforce them as acceptable behaviors. It is not a wive's right to know every move her husband makes. You're supposed to trust him, and trust doesn't mean letting insecurity take over.


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## notreadytoquit

But what happens if you have trusted your spouse 100% for a long time and then all of a sudden behavior changes and you start suspecting something?

My husband has had his Blackberry for 6 years. I have never ever looked into it unless he has asked me to. All of a sudden his behaviour towards me changes, he distances himself physically and emotionally and I find out purely by accident that that same blackberry now has a password


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## sisters359

turnera said:


> It _may_ ruin your relationship, if you don't have one built on mutual respect and trust and utter honesty to begin with. But then, that's not a great marriage to start with, is it?


There can be no real trust when one person is too insecure to respect him/herself. If you need your spouse's passwords, etc., to feel secure--absent any prior cheating--then you are probably very insecure and lacking in self-esteem. This, not secrecy or whatever, is what I am seeing destroy MOST marriages. One party or both are not happy with themselves. It leads to nearly every problem people mention: controlling/abusive behavior, cheating, unwillingness to change/meet another's needs, etc.

More than anything, it takes two confident adults to make any relationship really work. So OP, look into some counseling to find out why you feel insecure--honestly, why do you feel he WOULD cheat on you? Do you feel you aren't attractive enough? Or do you think he is also insecure and needs attention from other women to feel good about himself? Explore these kinds of questions before you ask him to solve your sense of insecurity.

Good luck!


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## Deejo

:iagree:

Bingo.


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## turnera

All well and good in an ideal world. So...what do you do when that isn't who you married?


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## turnera

I guess what stands out the most, then, is that you DO do too much. Did you always? Or did she stop doing things, and you took over for her? I'm trying to figure out if she lost respect for you because you DO do too much. A lot of women do that. What have you done to try to get her to do 50% of the work?


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## Karls

My wife has taken steps to demonstrate how open she is with computer access and email etc. to essentially try and shame me into adopting the same policy as her.
I've folded on many of her requests and our marriage is relatively new. However I feel like I need to keep some areas of my life private. I believe having access to my final zone of privacy isn't going to make our marriage any better by may help her insecurity. However as soon as I comply there will be something else. Having a private computer space is my equivalent of having a shed or a workshop ~ like a Man Cave. It feels important to have this for me so I will honor that. I know she will snoop if she has access and I don't like that idea plus she will probably mess my computer up. She may also find something that she decides to take issue with - who knows? It's just inviting trouble. I have no desire to go sifting through her stuff even though some of her ex's are on her Facebook and she forbids me from being in touch with mine (it's different). I avoid Facebook like the plague because I know she will track comments and it will be troublesome.
I'm in therapy to improve my life and married life and I'm going to bring this up to get some perspective.


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## SoCalKat

Sounds like we're talking about insecurity and potentially controlling behavior. If one spouse is insecure, just giving up all passwords and internet history isn't going to make that not so. There will ALWAYS be something that the other spouse is doing or not doing that will "not be good enough." Plus, if the spouse being asked is not doing anything wrong, they're just going to feel resentful in the long run.

If you go looking for "dirt," anything can look like "dirt" with you in that mindset. Best thing for you is to confront your spouse if you feel there's something going on and take it from there.


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## Vacadeluz

This is a very interesting thread for me. While my wife and I had a big fight I went through one of her boards and read all the posts she had made there, a couple years worth. Much of what I read was about me and it certainly wasn't flattering.

Afterwards we talked about that I had read the boards, and what I had read. One of the things she brought up was that she no longer felt like she could post there to vent as I was able to read the boards.

My personal thought is that if she is upset at me then I would rather she told me instead of posting crap about me on a board of like minded women who instantly demonize me without hear both sides of the story. However, I told her to go ahead and change her passwords to her computer, accounts, etc. so she could have her privacy. At the same time I told how it made me feel, that she is hiding stuff from me. As a show of faith I gave her my PW to everything that I have, including this account on here.

Shortly after that she put a PW on her phone as well, this was new and when I asked her about it she told me it was because the phone was pocket texting. I was pretty upset with all of this as I feel she has a secret life on her computer and phone, that she is posting/texting negative things about me and not talking to me about it. She was also in the very beginnings of an EA with an ex BF on facebook that I had found.

All that being said, reading this thread has given me some new viewpoints, specifically that it is MY insecurites that are making me want to read everything she is writing. I think that now I have to work on my insecurities and basically care less about what she is writing/texting/posting.

Thanks for this thread.


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## Wifejones

Why not share passwords? Unless you have something to hide? If you have a problem with sharing a password, there is deeper issue: independence or you are hiding something. Independence means you are holding on to your single life, well you are married now and if you start with this part of life is non of your business then you give him a reason to have a private life as well. Share now and always share everything!


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## turnera

Vaca, better to be proactive in fixing your marriage. Go to marriagebuilders.com or affaircare.com and print out the questionnaires. Both of you fill them out and then sit down and talk about your answers. It's your lack of communication that's tearing your marriage up; fix that, before it's too late.


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## Vacadeluz

turnera, 
We have started communcating, much MUCH more than before but I know we still have a long way to go. We have one MC session down and each have an individual sessions with the MC this week.


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## turnera

I'll still recommend the questionnaires. They literally have saved marriages.


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## Vacadeluz

I'll look into them, thanks.


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## jezza

My password is my password. My wallet is my wallet. My bedside drawer is my bedside drawer.
I will not go into my wives handbag or purse or through her drawers. Its got nothing to do with being secretive but everything to do with respect.
If I were to have an affair I wouldnt leave an electronic trail!

Even though we may be married etc we are still our own person. I have electronic conversations with male friends that I have known longer than my wife...we talk about all sorts including our wives! Just as I am sure our wives talk about us amongst themselves! 

Should your husband give you open access to everything...no. Should you give him open access to all your things...likewise; no.

Its not hiding, its respect.


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## turnera

Maybe, but the point is, the access should be there, whether it's used or not. Secrets don't belong in a marriage.


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## txhunter54

dantanph said:


> Hi guys! I am a wife who wants to feel emotionally secure in her marriage. One way for me to feel that way is for me to have a good full access to my husband's email, facebook, and phone records. I feel that if someone is not hiding anything, there is no point they hold onto their passwords, right? My husband does not want to give me the new passwords he set up for his accounts. I told him that I will give him equal access to all my emails, facebook, etc. Am I asking too much? Isn't it a wife's right to know what her husband is doing online. Also, it is a husband's right to know what his wife is doing online, right?
> 
> Any point of view on this?


My wife and I are both on facebook and have friended each other. Our kids are also friends. We both can see what others are posting to us.


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## Boogsie

Well, just how far dose access go? Does it extend to husbands being able to tag along on "girls night out" to be sure you aren't stepping over any boundaries? Would he be allowed to record all of your phone calls to ensure you aren't stepping over the line in any way?


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## theniceguy

I agree Boogsie and Jezza. 
My wife always grabs my phone to snoop every time I leave it out. Once a few years back she messed with the password setting (to try to find out what the password was, which there was non), in doing so she set a password that locked me out of the phone completely. I made her buy me a new phone. 
She always wants to know all my passwords for email, etc. I don't give them to her out of pure protest. I have nothing to hide, but I will not willingly feed her insecurity. She offers me her passwords in exchange for mine. I always decline. I don't want to know every fiber of your electronic being, nor do I want her to know mine. My biggest secret is buying car parts on ebay. This sort of thing can/will poison a relationship every time. I am sure my own wife has a keylogger on our computer to keep tabs on me, the worst she'll find is this forum lol! If you really need access in order to be secure, go grab a cup of therapy first before letting your neuroticism loose on your signifigant other. Your actions will surely result in self fulfilling prophesy.


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## AngieMarie

If one person wants to hide something, they will find another way of doing it... New email, new phone, different means of communication. 

Keylogger? Yeah maybe a good idea, but, what's to stop him from his cell phone or work computer?

If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck...


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## Sanity

I'm a little blow away at some folks here who are delusional and honestly think it's their "right" to treat your husband/wife like a child. As adults we expect to be treated as adults which includes not having to be watched for wrong doing. I feel bad for any spouses here that have to deal with untrusting, insecure control freaks. Snooping on your partner is a extreme violation so prepare yourself for possible divorce if you continue this behavior.

PS: I've been cheated on and I honestly still don't snoop. People ALWAYS screw up and get caught.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kilgore Salmon

dantanph said:


> feel that if someone is not hiding anything, there is no point they hold onto their passwords, right?


Well, I hope you also enjoy the local cops being able to listen to your private conversations, bug your house or simply walk on in whenever for no reason.

If you're that insecure and/or controlling then you're the one with the issue.

You either trust your husband or you don't. Until he wants to put a tracer on you when you go out with the girls then thie entire issue is crap.

You trust him, he trusts you and that's all there is to it. If there's a reason to suspect otherwise then deal with it but simply because you got married doesn't mean you get to read your husband's private letters on demand. That's the role of a prison guard.

Individuals still need themselves.


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## SoCalMichelle

The keylogger would be visible to the computer user wouldn't it?


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## lam4391

I have passwords for everything of my husbands, If he ever changed and didn't give them to me, I would definitely expect something.


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## Kilgore Salmon

lam4391 said:


> I have passwords for everything of my husbands, If he ever changed and didn't give them to me, I would definitely expect something.


Sad. I would never even ask my wife's passwords. She has a right to privacy in her life as do I.


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## turnera

She didn't say she USED them - just that he shared them.


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## Kilgore Salmon

turnera said:


> She didn't say she USED them - just that he shared them.


Whatever.

Still sad that people feel this need to have that sort of control over their spouse.


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## turnera

Semantics. Knowing that your spouse loves you enough to share his whole life - warts and all - is what makes a marriage. Nothing about that says anything about control.

Sounds like you have your own issues or history to deal with. My husband gives me his passwords cos he needs me to help with stuff on his computer AND because we both know he has nothing to hide. And vice versa. NOTHING about control. He takes clients out to strip clubs and I trust him. No control.


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## Kilgore Salmon

turnera said:


> My husband gives me his passwords cos he needs me to help with stuff on his computer AND because we both know he has nothing to hide.


Well, good for you. If there's reasons and/or a couple wants to do this then great but if not, it shouldn't be expected so please don't infer "issues" simply because I disagree with you.

I share pretty much everything that way with my wife but we also have personal email accounts and that's a good thing. It's not a secret what's in them but in terms of communications with other people, I would never even think of opening a personal letter my wife received and email is no different.

It's invasive and a symptom of insecurity to be upset about your spouse wanting a small degree of privacy. My wife talks regularly on email with old friends, etc and that's her right to do free from me meddling in it or being able to read what they are discussing. 

Before email no one would have expected to tag along to a coffee shop get together or even to pick up the phone and listen to a conversation their wife/husband was having so why should the email thing be an open book that it's "ok" to want access to?

Personally, I believe that a degree of privacy is healthy for everyone.


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## itchee

Sorry for the necro, but this is something that im currently struggling with. 

My wife is a very introverted person who requires a high degree of personal space, privacy, ect. At one point about a year ago, I sat down at her computer to print something out and i glanced at her browser history, just for the hell of it, and noticed she was looking at porn. I wasnt upset...kinda thought it was cool...but when i asked her about it, she freaked. Said it was an invasion of privacy. 

Now fast forward to about a month ago, and I suspect she is having an emotional affair with a coworker online. She is and I catch her...again by looking through her computer during one of her lapses in locking it. Thus began my spiral into insecurity and obsession.

We've since worked out our problems, but even after all that happened, shes still adamant about locking up everything. She vehemently defends her right to privacy and feels genuinely violated everytime i start snooping. i havent found anything since that one time, however, i have seen things that I can only assume im taking out of context. the combination of my broken trust + her natural sense of privacy + my out of control jealousy, at times, is almost too much to deal with. 

I see both sides of what everyone is saying here, but the concept of anything other than total, over-the-top transparency is difficult for someone like me to swallow. Ill never get what I want here. The more I press the issue, the more she withdraws...so, im trying to learn how to deal with my own jealousy and how to let things go rather than have them control me. its been difficult.


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## Sanity

Folks we are supposed to be adults not children. You check up on your kids online and offline behavior because we believe we know better and we want to keep them out of trouble. 

As adults we should be expected to make the right choices within the confines of a marriage. Most marriages if not all generally assume fidelity at all times. You do not have the right to enforce this by being controlling, overbearing and treating your spouse like a child just to satisfy your childish insecurities. 

Love cannot flourish in an environment of distrust, jealousy and control. I know this intimately since I lived it for several years. 

Oh and to those who think its their "right" to snoop. Where does it end? Will it be enough to keep your insecurities in check? I remember falling for these "harmless" requests for personal information and before you know it my STBXW is going through my phone while i'm in the pool with my son playing. It was humiliating and insulting to be treated like a child.


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## katc

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.


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## married woman

So here is what I have learned most from our marital counselor who we have been seeing for about 6 months. You have to tell him specifically why you want the passcodes. What are you feeling that is making you want to have access to them? What are you concerned he is doing? You need to say it in a nonconfrontational way but asking for his passcodes puts him on the defensive. For example, when i had concerns about the relationship between my husband and a coworker, I would check his call history. One time, I discovered he had talked to her for 2 hours but I couldn't confront him because I had invaded his privacy by checking his phone behind his back. Instead, I drove my self nuts catastrasizing the whole thing. What I should have done was gone to him and said that I had concerns about the new girl in his office and that they seemed to be spending a lot of time together and asked him if there is anything I need to be concerned about. I should have told him that I was feeling insecure enough that I had urges to check him phone. I am sure this is easier to think about doing now than actually doing it then, but that's what I've learned.


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## katc

I used to "snoop" because I followed my instinct that something was up.

I confirmed my suspicion, confronted him, and he lied about it. Even when I had the proof - he still liked.

He was flirting with a former co-worker via text messages. Things like "I'd like to be doing you ..." "your place or mine", etc.

Now, I could care less and actually wish he'd find someone, and get the hell out of my life. But - he says he won't commit adultery thereby giving me the legal upper hand.


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## Lon

In order to solve this issue of privacy, one couple I know literally shares everything - they have one email address, one facebook page even one cell phone (since the only time they are not with each other one of them is always at the home). It seems to work well for them...


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## Sanity

katc said:


> People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.


So let me see if I understand your perspective and give you an analogy.

Lets say i'm a police detective and I stop by your house with a warrant to toss your place because I suspect you are hiding some information or evidence of wrong doing. Since you know you have done nothing wrong you let me in with a smile and even offer me lemonade when i'm sweating my butt off tossing your mattress for "evidence". 

After a few hours I could not find anything but I still don't believe you. I come back next week and pound on your door and ask to go through your stuff again and you (without a smile this time) let me in. I go through your personal belongings, emails, cooking recipies, cell phone, etc and yet again nothing but I still have this "gut feeling" that you are hiding something from me. 

A week later I show up again demanding to be let in and you scream at me that you have done nothing and tell me to leave to which I retort "Oh really? Now I know you are hiding something! What are you hiding huh?" and I go through your stuff anyway against wishes. 

Yet again I find nothing and I resort to spying on you while you sleep or when you are at work. See the pattern? 

So does this sound ridiculous? Of course it is and this is what it feels like to live with an insecure, controlling spouse who is hell bend on proving you have done something wrong.

Point being a spouse is an individual with certain expectations of privacy and space. 

Full disclosure, I have snooped and found nothing just to find out later through a friend. It was wrong of me to do that and I realized that if I have to snoop then its just not worth it.


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## Sanity

katc said:


> I used to "snoop" because I followed my instinct that something was up.
> 
> I confirmed my suspicion, confronted him, and he lied about it. Even when I had the proof - he still liked.
> 
> He was flirting with a former co-worker via text messages. Things like "I'd like to be doing you ..." "your place or mine", etc.
> 
> Now, I could care less and actually wish he'd find someone, and get the hell out of my life. But - he says he won't commit adultery thereby giving me the legal upper hand.


What upper hand? US Divorce laws are pretty much no-fault now. Adultery doesn't really matter. Happens all the time.


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## katc

Sanity said:


> What upper hand? US Divorce laws are pretty much no-fault now. Adultery doesn't really matter. Happens all the time.


I don't live in the US - I'm in Canada. Much different laws here.

My life is an open book - want to know something - just ask. I have nothing to hide, so hide nothing. 

My snoooping wasn't as blatantly obvious as your scenario with the cop. But yes, if someone did do that as obvious as that it may drive me mad.

I don't snoop anymore because I don't care. If he finds another woman that would solve everything rather quickly.


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## Sanity

katc said:


> I don't live in the US - I'm in Canada. Much different laws here.
> 
> My life is an open book - want to know something - just ask. I have nothing to hide, so hide nothing.
> 
> My snooping wasn't as blatantly obvious as your scenario with the cop. But yes, if someone did do that as obvious as that it may drive me mad.
> 
> I don't snoop anymore because I don't care. If he finds another woman that would solve everything rather quickly.


That's exactly my point through. When I snooped I felt terrible afterwards because I HAD TO SEARCH. If you have to search and you are normally a secure person then the spouse is not worth your love and time. Dump them. 

My objection is when a spouse feels the need to snoop just to satisfy their unfounded insecurities such as my case. I was being accused of cheating so many times you figure I ran a brothel in my spare time.


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## PBear

katc said:


> I don't live in the US - I'm in Canada. Much different laws here.
> 
> My life is an open book - want to know something - just ask. I have nothing to hide, so hide nothing.
> 
> My snoooping wasn't as blatantly obvious as your scenario with the cop. But yes, if someone did do that as obvious as that it may drive me mad.
> 
> I don't snoop anymore because I don't care. If he finds another woman that would solve everything rather quickly.


Canada is also no fault. Proving adultery doesn't do much for you beyond allowing you to eliminate the mandatory separation periods, I believe. And since it's difficult and expensive to prove and fight in court, my understanding is that it's relatively rarely used.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

itchee said:


> Sorry for the necro, but this is something that im currently struggling with.
> 
> My wife is a very introverted person who requires a high degree of personal space, privacy, ect. At one point about a year ago, I sat down at her computer to print something out and i glanced at her browser history, just for the hell of it, and noticed she was looking at porn. I wasnt upset...kinda thought it was cool...but when i asked her about it, she freaked. Said it was an invasion of privacy.
> 
> Now fast forward to about a month ago, and I suspect she is having an emotional affair with a coworker online. She is and I catch her...again by looking through her computer during one of her lapses in locking it. Thus began my spiral into insecurity and obsession.
> 
> We've since worked out our problems, but even after all that happened, shes still adamant about locking up everything. She vehemently defends her right to privacy and feels genuinely violated everytime i start snooping. i havent found anything since that one time, however, i have seen things that I can only assume im taking out of context. the combination of my broken trust + her natural sense of privacy + my out of control jealousy, at times, is almost too much to deal with.
> 
> I see both sides of what everyone is saying here, but the concept of anything other than total, over-the-top transparency is difficult for someone like me to swallow. Ill never get what I want here. The more I press the issue, the more she withdraws...so, im trying to learn how to deal with my own jealousy and how to let things go rather than have them control me. its been difficult.


I totally agree.


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## Entropy3000

katc said:


> People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.


:iagree:


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## Entropy3000

Sanity said:


> So let me see if I understand your perspective and give you an analogy.
> 
> Lets say i'm a police detective and I stop by your house with a warrant to toss your place because I suspect you are hiding some information or evidence of wrong doing. Since you know you have done nothing wrong you let me in with a smile and even offer me lemonade when i'm sweating my butt off tossing your mattress for "evidence".
> 
> After a few hours I could not find anything but I still don't believe you. I come back next week and pound on your door and ask to go through your stuff again and you (without a smile this time) let me in. I go through your personal belongings, emails, cooking recipies, cell phone, etc and yet again nothing but I still have this "gut feeling" that you are hiding something from me.
> 
> A week later I show up again demanding to be let in and you scream at me that you have done nothing and tell me to leave to which I retort "Oh really? Now I know you are hiding something! What are you hiding huh?" and I go through your stuff anyway against wishes.
> 
> Yet again I find nothing and I resort to spying on you while you sleep or when you are at work. See the pattern?
> 
> So does this sound ridiculous? Of course it is and this is what it feels like to live with an insecure, controlling spouse who is hell bend on proving you have done something wrong.
> 
> Point being a spouse is an individual with certain expectations of privacy and space.
> 
> Full disclosure, I have snooped and found nothing just to find out later through a friend. It was wrong of me to do that and I realized that if I have to snoop then its just not worth it.


If I am married to the cop and having intimate relations they can come on in. We are not talking cops. We are talking marriage partners who are "assumed" to be all in for the long haul.

Passwords, closed dooors and locks are to make sure someone stays out. If there are no barriers there is likely no need to snoop at all. It is a courtesy. It is respectful and considerate.

What are we afraid of here?

I will only say that it works for me and my wife and I suggest it to others. My wife saw things in my emails I was too dopamined up to realize. It saved us. Just one story ... but it is mine. She saw a change in my behavior and looked. I am so glad she did.


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## turnera

itchee, I see two issues, potentially. One, your wife has severe Toxic Shame issues and simply cannot abide with even her husband knowing her Inner Shame. That, you two can work on.

Two, you wife started an affair, and your MARRIAGE requires that you FIGHT that affair, confront it, expose it if she won't quit, and fight it. To get your original wife back. 

What's going on?


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## kelevra

If they gonna cheat they gonna do it and eventually they gonna f'up and get dat azz caught !! It's only a matter of time.


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## golfergirl

PBear said:


> Canada is also no fault. Proving adultery doesn't do much for you beyond allowing you to eliminate the mandatory separation periods, I believe. And since it's difficult and expensive to prove and fight in court, my understanding is that it's relatively rarely used.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My belief too and I'm Canadian as well. I divorced because of abuse and was told that and adultery can be used to speed up 1 year waiting period. No benefit with property division and/or custody of children and as you said, not often used.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude

No way am I giving up my passwords/emails/privacy! Have little enough personal space as it is!

Besides it's not like I minimise my email or refuse to let her see whenever she comes along, but I do close this forum whenever she comes -> I do have something to hide, but it's not cheating obviously, it's sharing marital advice. 

All hell will break loose if she reads some of my posts, but I need my own personal outlet from the crap she gives me -> just as she goes WAAAAH WAAAAH to her mum or friends on the phone and locks herself up in "our" bedroom from the crap I give her.

No intention to completely crush her personal confidence by letting her read in detail how completely distressed I am about our abnormal sex life.


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## RoseRed

just my two cents. first and foremost we are all individual unique people. We have all have varying levels of 'transparency comfort'. It has nothing to do with 'hiding' anything... I don't go barging in the bathroom while its occupied...just because he's in there, doesn't mean that he's doing something suspicious. i always respected my husbands privacy, any letter in the mail strictly addressed to him (that wasn't obviously a household bill I was in charge of) I would leave unopened. That is his business not mine... no matter the letter. As to emails, even folders on the computer. we have always had separate addresses and passwords, if it was information pertaining to both, we would foreward the email to eachother. If you have opposing opinions of this, there is another issue to address, the others insecurities. If you think keylogging is the answer, you will never get the answer you want. If you always look upon your spouse with suspicion, then it will definately will take its toll. If one thinks that they have a 'right' to know everything concerning their spouse is sadly mistaken, no man or woman has a 'right' over another person. It is our quintesential freedom... relationships are a privelege.When one confides to another, means in confidence, meaning what is told stays with the parties involved... the only caveat is when there is tangible risk to the safety of the person(s) involved. 

In my case, this trust was broken and he snooped through my written journals. The love letters I wrote in them, he immediately construed them to be for another, actually they were my own lamentations on what I had hoped in our marriage, they were actually to him... as he never could 'hear' me, understand me for so many years... they were my last resort to release what was in my heart. 

So for his insecurities, he has lost my trust. It has and is a long long struggle to get back... what has taken its toll for 20+ years doesn't get fixed overnight... and perhaps they just might not... only time will tell.


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## RandomDude

> I don't go barging in the bathroom while its occupied...just because he's in there, doesn't mean that he's doing something suspicious.


=/
The missus does that to me all the time and then tells me the obvious that it stinks! :scratchhead:

Oh well, I got her back a while ago barging into the bathroom while she's in there and taking a photo of her. I have yet to get rid of it hehe, I'll get it printed out later when I'm really bored and have her chase me around the house for it.


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## SockPuppet

RandomDude said:


> =/
> The missus does that to me all the time and then tells me the obvious that it stinks! :scratchhead:


Obviously it doesnt stink enough if she still barges in on you. Try eating more soy. I hear thats good for clearing a man out.

RedRose, I approve your message.





itchee said:


> the combination of my broken trust + her natural sense of privacy + my out of control jealousy


I know you have said she is a very private person, but do you think your jealousy may fuel her privacy concerns to a degree? She may think she needs to hide everything so as not to upset you?

Im not trying to shift blame to you, but I operate under the realm of control. You cant control your wife's actions... Well you can, but there may be laws against it. You can only control yourself, and through chaning how you interatce with your wife, you will alter her reactions from the norm.


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## drdrfor

My former wife demanded access to my files only when she was cheating herself, just to check up on me. What are your motives? Distrust is not a factor independent of other factors?


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## Entropy3000

SockPuppet said:


> Obviously it doesnt stink enough if she still barges in on you. Try eating more soy. I hear thats good for clearing a man out.
> 
> RedRose, I approve your message.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I know you have said she is a very private person, but do you think your jealousy may fuel her privacy concerns to a degree? She may think she needs to hide everything so as not to upset you?
> 
> Im not trying to shift blame to you, but I operate under the realm of control. You cant control your wife's actions... Well you can, but there may be laws against it. You can only control yourself, and through chaning how you interatce with your wife, you will alter her reactions from the norm.


Soy is said to reduce testosterone. He needs all he can get due to the demands his wife puts on him.


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## Stonewall

If I thought she wanted them just to snoop on me In my mind that would translate into she didn't trust me. That would really bother me. But in the end I as faithful as my dog so I don't have any prob with her having them.


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