# Just dont know what to do.



## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

I stumbled onto this site the beginning of the week and just need some advice . Last weekend i found some things on our computer (emails from my wife to another man.) I questioned my wife and of course there was denial at first and after we talked some more she admitted to talking to this other guy (meeting him as well). We have been together for 11 yrs ,married for almost 6 of them . We have been talking alot over the past week,and just dont know where it will go from here . She has apologized and knows what she did is wrong and says she has cut ties with this guy(which for obvious reasons i dont believe).. I started my own business 3 yrs ago and have not made myself available for her. I pour most all of my energy into work and she has been telling me and telling me that I needed to give her the attention ,affection and support she needed. But i ignored all her pleas and now she has all but thrown in the towel . I always thought if someone did this to me ,i would just leave (which is what happened in my 1st marriage) but i was surprised at my reaction to all this . I think i pushed her to this and have already forgiven her (forgetting will be much more difficult). We are going to start with a counsellor next week and am just hoping it will help us both..We both know we have to work on this ,but after talking to her ,she just seems to be convinced that all her pleas were ignored before ,so how can i change now. has anyone been in this situation ,and what did you do to convince your spouse that you will do anything to make things right?


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## mindylou (Sep 22, 2008)

tarheel68 said:


> I stumbled onto this site the beginning of the week and just need some advice . Last weekend i found some things on our computer (emails from my wife to another man.) I questioned my wife and of course there was denial at first and after we talked some more she admitted to talking to this other guy (meeting him as well). We have been together for 11 yrs ,married for almost 6 of them . We have been talking alot over the past week,and just dont know where it will go from here . She has apologized and knows what she did is wrong and says she has cut ties with this guy(which for obvious reasons i dont believe).. I started my own business 3 yrs ago and have not made myself available for her. I pour most all of my energy into work and she has been telling me and telling me that I needed to give her the attention ,affection and support she needed. But i ignored all her pleas and now she has all but thrown in the towel . I always thought if someone did this to me ,i would just leave (which is what happened in my 1st marriage) but i was surprised at my reaction to all this . I think i pushed her to this and have already forgiven her (forgetting will be much more difficult). We are going to start with a counsellor next week and am just hoping it will help us both..We both know we have to work on this ,but after talking to her ,she just seems to be convinced that all her pleas were ignored before ,so how can i change now. has anyone been in this situation ,and what did you do to convince your spouse that you will do anything to make things right?


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## mindylou (Sep 22, 2008)

Hold on. Try and mke it work. Make some time for each other. Go on dates and build your relationship over. It can be done. Make the time!!! If you choose to start over you will have to be able to trust her..


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You and your wife have made some positive steps already. You have both acknowleged your weeknesses and are communicating about your marriage. Futhermore, you want to make your relationship better for each other and will be going to marriage counseling. I can think of only one thing at this point. Read "The Five Love Languages", by Gary Chapman. Another forum member has done a very nice review of this book in the book section. I believe this book will help you understand how you and your wife got to this point. Inaddition, it will help you move forward.


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## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

thanx for the encouragement, we have talked alot in the past week and we both know that we have made mistakes , only thing im worried about is that maybe she is just tired of beating a dead horse . I know that i have not been available to her and everyone in my family for that matter . She has told me that she is just not sure if i will change .. I Im thin king we both need some time to heal and work on what is it that will make us happy . I dont want to separate and she says the same , but there is so much tension in the house right now ,neither of us are very comfortable . We both moved away from our friends and family to start our own lives here (both of our families are not supportive and as for our friends the few we have here think we are the perfect couple and we dont want to drag them into this ). Our kids are all teenagers(3 boys and 1 girl)and they live with our exs(she has a son from a previous marriage . and i have 2 boys and a girl from a previous marriage). They have no clue to what is going on and we plan on keeping it that way unless the issues cant be resolved. Enough rambling ,i guess what im getting at is ,,,can someone forgive someone for not being there for them


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I believe the answer is "yes" to your question. As long as you can both move forward and be there for each other in the future. My husband and I are separated; I can honestly say as time passes I'm learning to hold fewer grudges for what happened in the past. It's all about what happens now and in the future. As long as past mistakes don't repeat themselves each day looks brighter.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:
What is most encouraging is that neither of you want to separate, so as long as you both are vested in your marriage it can be even better than before. You will need to know she has really stopped all contact & she will need to know you're serious about changing and that the changes are lasting.

Time will be the key here. You need time to heal from her betrayal and she will need time to see that your changes are real and lasting. Be patient with one another and talk things out and even more importantly make time to have fun together.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Yes, :iagree: mmm hmm

This song has meaning to me, and maybe it will for you and yours. 

YouTube - Guns N' Roses - Patience


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Counsiling is a good starting point for the both of you. You can see that you were a part of the problem and need to fix things about yourself too. That part is great. But now you honestly need to communicate with one another and learn to use that as your guide. Give it time I hope you heal and wish you the best.

draconis


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## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

thanx again to everyone ,i really appreciate the encouragemant . Last night we had dinner (after she got home ,,shes a manager at a pharmacy) talked to each other as if nothing had happened and went to bed and to my surprise she was wanting to have sex...i thought "wow" and when we were done she seemed bothered.. I know right now im gonna read more into things than may be there ,, but i just felt like she had regretted making love to me . I feel like i am smothering her because any insecurity or doubt that enters my mind ,,i just speak up ,, i know we should talk about things but am i pushing it too far? I am obviously very skeptical about anything she says , and until about a week ago , i would have believed anything she told me . its just hard to believe she can lie , it really is not part of her character. We talked about going to counselling next week because im on a job site , and the deadline is next monday . She called one day to set up an appointment and got their answering service , then i called sat and actually got to talk to the counsellor about an appointment . is it strange that the counsellor wanted to know over the phone what some of issues were? anyway the only reason i mentioned this is cause i took "her" making the follow up call as a positive (hoping she really does wanna work it out )


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Maybe she was thinking how you felt about her after making it with her. Girls do that, you know. Women want to know they are loved and cared about and/or for.  

Go talk about and work on your relationship, and romance her more.

YouTube - Air Supply - Every Woman In The World (1980)


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

Me too.


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## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

thanx again to the responders . After doing a little snooping ,i have learned all the information about this "other" guy . Do i have the right to contact him and or his spouse? I know im hurt but should i make his wife go through what im going through? ON one hand i think its not my place to bring pain to another marriage but on the other hand i feel like she has a right to know . This guy and i cross paths everyday on our way to work and i could easily confdront him . Before i didnt disclose that he was a local person and someone shee has to have contact with at least once a week . He is one of her sales reps and ive read on here people telling others to make them leave their job ,but that is really not an option here . She told me she would schedule herself to not be there when he comes in for his weekly visit ,but after being lied to i dont know if i can beleive that either . My work takes me at least an hour from home everyday and gives oppertunity for either one to make contact if they chose to. I know i cant begin to trust quickly but does anyone have any tips or suggestions on how to help me be a little less distracted with this. I just feel like if hisd wife were to know at least she can somewhat monitor him. Im doing all i can to trust my wife but this wound is just too fresh right now.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

In some cases I would say go for it and contact the other man's wife. However, I don't think it would be a good idea in your case. Your wife has admitted to the relationship and she is willing to go to marriage counseling. Just keep an eye on things now. If you told the other man's wife about the situation, there's a chance she would divorce him. That would leave him single and free to pursue your wife. For now just work on your relationship with your wife. Are there any rules at your wife's place of employment about dating other employees?


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

I htink that you should tell the wife and even contact her to meet her and talk things over with her.
This way she will controll her man and you will have it easier at controllign your wife.
You should also confront the man when you nmeet him.
she msut have tell him that you know its him..
make a deal with the wife of that guy to wait to talk to her hubby til you have confronted him
Then we wills ee how both feel, your wife and him, when realising that you talk to the other wife and she talk to the husband of his misgtress.. Lets see how jealous he get. That might put him in other thoughts.
She has the rigth to know of course and you should do so.
They werent afraid to mix up your mariage and endanger it totaly and i dont see how oyu telling her the truth should be a problem at all for them.
There is a trust that need to be restaured and you are entitled to do all what is on your power to do to can restaure it: aAnd if that imply for you to tel the wife then do so.
That you meet the guy everyday only make things worse.
She obviously had sex with him and thats why she reacted as she did after you 2 made love.
You sghould have ask her right on the spot what was the matter and in the future oyu 2 shoudl talk mor about oyur sexlife.
You ahve ot take her out for dinner once a week and ot arrange a day each week for the 2 of you to can talk together and zero in on things.
You alos have ot make some more romantical settings for oyu and her. Working a lot can be problematic but it doesnt excuse her side step.
You have to talk over what she wants what her needs are and to compromsie what can eb done taking into account your work tiem as well.
try to do things otgether in the weekend too. Have a common hobby oyu cna share, sport or sighseeign anythig that you cna do together. 
Plan ot go on a trip like short vacation very soon too.
And in the future arrange for the 2 of you to cna go in weekend vacation once in a while, like every 2months. taht will be good for you and for her.
You have to know whats wrong with that sex thing.
And msot of all, do oyu love her?
you say you remarried, in oyur first marriage, did oyur wife cheated you becasue oyu didnt poor enough attention on her?
Does oyur actual wife know of it and why oyur ex wife cheated on you?
Could she have make a copy cat of it to shwo you a lesson or.. becasue she has a secret thought that she want to terminate the marriage?(or had thoguth of it at least when she did it).
Give it 3 weeks to discuss thsoe things together nad work out aplan, and then start back on better and healthier base.
You overheard her needs for very long, and this you must change in a permanent way, but you also both have to learn to communicate differently and to directly make a "meeting" once a week ot talk together about you and her.
its good that the kids are teen cause it simplyfy lot of things.
They dont need to know anything. Let it stay betwen you and her.
A very unusual way to slve that matter could be to arrange a meeting between the 2 couples involved.
that wil be interesting to know what it is that made the guy be unfaithfull to his wife.
and to know what your wife found in him.
I know it will be very unusual but why not try something nobody else tried before? it could give stunting results.
Like a group therapy. Youa re hurted, the other woman is, and we ahve the two guilty part who both feel they had a reason for doig so as being desatisfyed with their current marriage.
Why not?
I dot say oyu go out fishing with hte guy, but just have soem sessions with both couples there, as healing therapy.
Sort thigns out with oyur wife beside this.
Counseling is very good and hope oyu get good results out of it.
Do not take all the blame tho.. maybe you needed a kick in the butt and now oyu got it but no reasons to be on a guilt trip.
I htink that the reason why oyu didnt feel it as a reason to divorce is that oyu knew it you didnt do what oyu should and saw it coming but didnt do anythign to stop it.
You seemed to be surprised that she wanted to ahve sex with you. Why is that?
Was your sex life low before that?
When was the last time you read books about sex life and how to please your partner and about communication withing the couple?
We learn everyday and we do not get any teaching at school or else where about how to communicate with each others and as a couple and how ot solve relationship problems, other than th eexperience we get in real life, htings we overhear and msitakes wedo.. and redo.. and redo..
Begin there, it will change your outlook on things and wil be very helpfull to make you change into the man your wife need and will love to have, in a permanent way. eaning not as soemthign you feel "you got to you or she will cheat on you" but as somethign you feel for and is an integrated part of yoru way to live life and to love your wife and that you feel suits you.

i hope it help.


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## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

thanx again everyone , this place has alrteady made me feel better . A few things i need to tell you all . my wife is a store manager ,he is a vender sales rep , so thru work they have contact once a week for her to place an order . I told her that she is to have no other contact with and she agreed and told me she would change her schedule so that someone else what have to take care of the order . the night i found the emails i replied to the last one and told him it was me ,told him he needed to man up and do the right thing because he had small kikds and how would his wife feel if i contacted her and told her what was going on ,,,he never replied back .Idont come in direct contact with this guy we live on an island with 2 main roads and i see him in passing every morning . i could easily contact him if wanted to ,,but just not sure if i should or not ..honestly i dont want to go to jail and i have a very short temper and if one thing we said that made me mad ,i would probably snap . Ive been snooping and have found nothing , so im taking that as a positive . not to say im not suspicious(dont think that will change for awhile ) I only hope things can work out ,, as i stat ed before Ilove my wife and know that i am partially to blame fror all this . we keep playing phone tag with a counsellor ,and are trying to get an appointment.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I see. That's great your wife is willing to change her schedule. Hopefully that will help with the temptation factor. Trust will take time to regain. It's probably best you don't meet the other man face to face. A confrontation could make you look bad. That e-mail was probably enough warning.


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## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

thanx again everyone . A little update , We have an appt. with a cousellor on wed. and it was my wife that made the appt. she did seem kinda sad the other night when she told me she finally got ahold of this cousellor(we live in a fairly small community and their arent many to choose from). I ask her if she was having doubts about going and she said no . I know this sounds terrible but i hope she is "sad" out of guilt , i know ive been really down because i know what i diidnt give her and feel i share responsibility for our marriage getting to this point . Ive been checking her phone and emails and have felt terrible about it . Yesterday morning i told her that i couldnt stand being secretive and didnt feel it was doing any good for either of us so im gonna stop checking . after all if she was gonna contact this guy shes gonna delete out anything anyway, i need to do this for my own good . It will be hard for me to trust her and i know it will be hard for her to beleive that i can change my old ways . what bothers me the most now , is the feeling of having no control of what is going to happen . I know how i feel and hope she can figure out what she wants . I did some research and have come to beleive , that maybe ive been suffering with depression for yrs and have never done anything about it ... I always felt like i was semi-happy and what else can you ask for (many can find no happiness in anything ) while reading up on depression i found i had alot of the symptoms,,,trouble sleeping ,procrastination,mood swings , low self esteem ,weight gain (though that could just be that i luv dem oreos).. Ive never been too close to my family (not a very affectionate bunch)( got 2 sisters and my parents)but ive always showed my kids that i loved them in every possible , its just a shame i didnt more for my wife. but hopefully som e couselling will help. I think what we might do is joint counselling and separate counselling as well . i know im just rambling ,and i apologize but i think most on here understand that sometimes you just gotta let some things off your chest.im done for now


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## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

Latest update ,, Well we found a cousellor and have been two times in as many weeks . The first was just a chance for the counsellor to assess our situation and let us lay it out there . I gotta admit it sucked , Im a private person and it was hard to open up to someone i didnt know . My wife has been in therapy before (after the death of her father in a car accident) and i think it helped her because she knew how it works . We both participated and that surprised me a bit because when asked my wife told the counsellor that she didnt want to be there. Even though she felt that way , when we started talking she was open and honest(stung me quite a bit ) but that was what we needed. Im glad we took the advice that I got on here, it is tough to have someone analyzing your every word and action. But if it helps us get back on track and working on a better future than it will be all worth it . 

How things have changed in the last couple of weeks:
My wife has been living a transparent life and i appreciate all that she has done to make this easier on me . She has re-arranged her life at work to make me more secure in the fact that she is avoiding TOM. Thats not to say that I trust everything she does ,but she does understand that trust has to be earned and i think she is doing what she can to get on the right path.

Things i have been doing :
Ive been doing the little things that she has been needing from me for a very long time . I make sure to show her evryday that I love her , in the small things like a extra kiss before i leave for work . Letting her know if she needs anything that im there for her In general ,being a loving, supportive husband which is something i havent done in a really long time . 

For all those considering getting some kind of couselling , i suggest you do so , Im not saying we are "fixed" but i feel with the 2 times weve been this counsellor has helped us look at each other in a different way .


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

tarheel68 said:


> How things have changed in the last couple of weeks:
> My wife has been living a transparent life and i appreciate all that she has done to make this easier on me . She has re-arranged her life at work to make me more secure in the fact that she is avoiding TOM. Thats not to say that I trust everything she does ,but she does understand that trust has to be earned and i think she is doing what she can to get on the right path.
> 
> Things i have been doing :
> ...


I'm so glad you updated us on your situation. I really think what she is doing (being transparent) and what you are doing (taking serious action to meet her needs) will give you both a stronger marriage because you are both committed to the needs of one another. 

Being a private person myself, opening up to a stranger (and to my husband) were difficult for me but in the long run really gave me a sense of peace to be able to make my needs known and especially to see how much he does love me and care for me by wanting to meet those needs.

My best to you both


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## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

another update 


Well i have to say that things are so much better , i think some of the advice i recieved in here has helped . I have given her space to work out how she is feeling and have been working on making myself happier . 

We have been to the counsellor and it does help for someone else to help you talk about your problems and point out the good and ba things you as a couple are doing . That being said , I think we will be looking for another counsellor . My wife and i agreed after we left after the last session that this particular counsellor is not going to work for us. 

The counsellor seemed to focus on my wife as the one with the problem. We both know this is not true ,although she strayed , I was not emotionally available to her for a long time . Thats not to say that she was not wrong (and we have had that talk)but I was also wrong for neglecting her needs .

My wife has fought depression for most of her life and even though it was a factor ,this counsellor blames it for all our problems . I have to say she was a good adviser on things to start the healing but her approach with my wife ,,,,even I was offended by it . I mean she literally talked to her like she was a child and for someone who is fighting depression, the last thing they need , is someone else making them feel bad about themselves.

My wife is going to see a phsychiatrist this week and see if they will check her meds and see if they can do something to help with this deep depression she is in now . I have a one on one with the counsellor we saw together and Ithink i will tell her we are going to make a change .. I think it may be a good thing for her to see the phsyc. change meds or whatever they need to do and then when she is feeling better we will resume joint counselling . 

The counsellor we saw together said she couldnt beleive how well i have adjusted to all that has happened . She said that alot of couples dont get to where we are at for months . We both understand the healing will take alot of time , but we both have told each other where we want to be and we both understand what has to be done to get there .

I again want to thank all of you for the helpful advice and want to let you all know that i will try to be helpful in any questions i can . Since it looks like im going to drop counselling till my wifes feeling more normal Im going to look to all you for advice , a place to vent and maybe just brutal honesty . I think things will continue to get better and im sure there will be setbacks and i will appreciate having any of you lend an ear .


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