# Methodical sex, help!! and other problems too!!



## Spent (Jan 27, 2019)

This is my first post besides my introduction so I will try to provide a brief backstory then get to the point. We are both in our 50's been married since early 20's with 2 kids, one grown and married one in junior year of high school, but very independent. Both good kids who we are both proud of. We got married and did the right thing that all successful Americans do, got in debt for a house and cars etc. etc. I made sure my wife was able to stay home and raise the kids while I worked away until 3 years ago when I finally decided enough was enough I wanted to live, not just be gone missing out on my kids and life in general. That seems to be when the serious problems started!!
We have always had very different sex drives, mine is high or what I think of as normal for a man. She does not have one as she once told me "if I never had sex again I would not care!" Yes, that made me feel great!! When I came home the high paying job ended and the financial issues started shortly after. I have always felt she was the one in control as I needed her for my physical and emotional needs related to sex and intimacy and she did not have any need of me, besides financial support as far as I could tell? I can admit I probably have some security issues related to my childhood!
We reached a breaking point about a year ago. Several times during our marriage I tried to get her to go to counseling, but she always refused stating it was "personal" and "nobody else's business" Finally she agreed to go to a Christian type retreat for a few days as it was free and at the time we did not have money for a counselor! I thought by setting it up I was making an effort to fix things, when we left, it was worse than before as after talking to the pastors wife, she decided I was just "trying to fix her" as she put it.
I offered for her to find a counselor and after many months, nothing? I finally found a counselor we could afford and again she seen it as me and the counselor trying to "fix her" as she put it ??
Yes, my kids seen what was going on and my oldest girl, who is married now actually helped convince my wife to go to the doctor to see if there could be a hormone issue after menopause as this seems a common thing for women, and she had noticed a change in her mother for a while? She did go, I will give her that, but again it was a "private" matter and I could not know when or go, so I have no idea what they talked about? 
So here we are a few months later. She still has no idea what it is she wants to do or what will make her happy. I tell her my plans for the next few years and she can not give me any indication of what she wants to do. I have tried to get us involved in several different activities with others as far as outings and church activities to which she has little to no interest. The doctor did give her some kind of hormonal cream which has made sex less uncomfortable for her, but did nothing for her desire. I am glad she at least made the effort to go, but to be honest it has not changed much? Now sex is so methodical, with her explaining each time, what the cream is supposed to do, what atrophy in the vaginal wall does, examining each lubricant as she chooses one, explaining how we have to go slow, constantly asking me about positions and if I am close, etc, etc. There really is no intimacy in what we do simply a physical release on my end, which she points out is why she is doing it, as she gets nothing out of it!!
I understand she does not have the desire. I guess I am just struggling with the fact that even though I do not think she is doing it intentionally, she is just making it so detached that it is honestly taking away my desire for intimacy with her at all, even though I really want an intimate relationship, which includes sex. I have tried to kind of plan it ahead of time and talk about planning it to which she simply does not respond or nonchalantly blows me off. When we go to bed if I start touching and ask she will agree, but again, makes it as difficult as possible. Sleeps in full pajamas and socks and even when she agrees we can have sex will not undress until the very last minute and as soon as we are done redresses again. 
I want to make this work and fix our marriage, I am just not sure where to go from here? We stopped going to the counselor as she thought it was a waste of money and time as she put it "we were not going to change who we are?" I actually talked to her father and explained I loved his daughter, but had done all I could do and ask him to talk to her. Not about the sex, we did not discuss that, but her happiness and lack of direction in her life. How do I make her happy when she does not even know what she wants? He told me her mother was much the same way and after a few years of marriage he simply stopped trying and decided to do his own thing and let her do hers. They sleep in separate beds and do nothing together, they even drive to church in separate vehicles. He told me he did not know anymore about her today than the day he married her! That just seems sad to me and not normal at all?? I just don't think I can live in a marriage like that for another 20 years or however long we have left? 
Sorry, not trying to paint a "poor me" picture, but I honestly just do not know where to go from here or what to do. I really do not want a divorce, but everything I have tried to make a positive change in the direction of our marriage has failed and she does not seem interested in doing anything to change things?
Thanks for listening. Any and all advice is much appreciated.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Tried.

Couldn't make it through to the end.

Your wife has received bad advice if she wants to stay married.

She has lazily taken the bull **** 💩 excuse that she is just who she is and is running towards a cliff like a suicidal lemming.

What she has said very clearly is that she is someone with zero love or interest in you as her husband.

I would advise you to quit beating the corps of your marriage. It died a long time ago.

Tell that titanic idiot pastor's wife and that equally stupid counselor that they are correct. The woman you are married to isn't your wife or even worthy of that tite and I hope to God almighty that you make her statement to you legally fact.

This woman may have loved you and been your wife a long time ago but the thing she has become is not fit for the honor.

It may have been just as much your responsibility that your marriage died but it is probably beyond resurrection now regardless of anything you attempt now.

Your roommate would have to decide to work on becoming a wife and she has stated as well as acted on the notion that she is not your wife.

You lost her somewhere and sometime ago and now she is losing you.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

You've got 30+ years together which is worth saving, not to mention the fact...trust me...dating in your 50's isn't going to be fun. Don't throw the marriage away unless you are sure, VERY sure, you won't mind being alone.

By your own words it sounds like things went seriously downhill when you...I don't know, quit your job? You don't specifically say you quit working 3 years ago but that's the inference I read. Why would you do that? Yeah, yeah, I get the "wanted to live" bit, but you know of course that you can't "live" without money. What's your source of income? How much debt are you in? How hard has life become since you no longer work? It sounds to me like your wife is depressed. There may be some medical remedies to help, but if you aren't financially secure no medicine will fix depression caused by that. Just a hunch.


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## Spent (Jan 27, 2019)

To be clear, I am working, and always have. I simply left the job and career field I was in and came home to a new career field here at home. I was working out of the country previously and a local job is simply never going to pay the same amount as a overseas job. We currently have our large home for sale and when it sells we will be debt free and the intention is to build a smaller home on another piece of property we own. We can pay our bills with our current income, there is just not extra as before. Once the house sells we will be in great shape financially as we do have other assets other than the home. However, I do know finances are stressing the relationship now, but the truth is, looking back we have always had the sexual issue for most of the marriage.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Fixing intimacy between two people who want to work on it is one of the hardest things to do. Not only do you have to do that, you have to convince her to want to work on it in the first place! 

I know you want to save your marriage--you have a long history worth saving--but you might have to risk losing it to save it. You have made it very easy for her not to work on this problem. Why should she? She doesn't want sex, yet she's gotten a 30-year, financially stable marriage to a kind and thoughtful man out of the deal. What incentive is there for her to do the hard work to change the situation?


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## Spent (Jan 27, 2019)

Thanks for the replies. Her attitude is that she is fulfilling her part by agreeing that when I need it she will provide a release. When I have pressed the issue that it means more to me than that and I would like for her to enjoy it as well she accuses me of never being satisfied. She says she has no sexual desire and has agreed to meet my needs and for me to want more than that is to not appreciate the fact that she is agreeing to meet my physical need for sex.
I would think a woman would be glad to know her husband would like for her to enjoy it as well, but she seems to be upset about it?
She gets upset if I try to talk to her about what we could do to help her maybe actually enjoy it?


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## Spent (Jan 27, 2019)

Am I being a jerk when I compare it to going on a diet and eating oatmeal 3 times a day everyday? Yes, it might meet your nutrition needs, but would you really be happy and feel satisfied? Having tasted other foods and knowing what you are missing out on?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

There are a number of articles on this site that you may want to forward to your wife.

https://forgivenwife.com/duty-sex-beyond/


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## Spent (Jan 27, 2019)

frazzled, thank you for that link


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

BigToe said:


> You've got 30+ years together which is worth saving, not to mention the fact...trust me...dating in your 50's isn't going to be fun. Don't throw the marriage away unless you are sure, VERY sure, you won't mind being alone.
> 
> 
> Could not disagree more! I was married 30 years, when my xw had an exit affair. I was devestated. I date my x in high school, all thru college then married two weeks after I graduated. I was so scared to date! What I found was many very nice women are looking for a good guy to date. I had no trouble dating "quality" women (no haters!, quality to some is different than others, by quality I mean they met my wants...family is important, no small children, gainfully employed, etc.) and once I was over my initial heisitancy I had many dates. After 7 years I found the one who I could not do without, she drives me nuts but I love her, we are a team, my life is 1000 times better than it would of been. Dont throw away a marriage, but dont stay in a bad situation because you think thats the best you can get....because it aint!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BigToe said:


> You've got 30+ years together which is worth saving, not to mention the fact...trust me...dating in your 50's isn't going to be fun. Don't throw the marriage away unless you are sure, VERY sure, you won't mind being alone.
> 
> By your own words it sounds like things went seriously downhill when you...I don't know, quit your job? You don't specifically say you quit working 3 years ago but that's the inference I read. Why would you do that? Yeah, yeah, I get the "wanted to live" bit, but you know of course that you can't "live" without money. What's your source of income? How much debt are you in? How hard has life become since you no longer work? It sounds to me like your wife is depressed. There may be some medical remedies to help, but if you aren't financially secure no medicine will fix depression caused by that. Just a hunch.



I disagree with this also. 

I'm 55, bald, glasses, the 6-pack is looking more like a couch pillow despite getting to the gym most days of the week and eating a fairly healthy diet so I understand the challenges of the 50s. 

Anna Kendrick is more likely to have her lawyers send me a Cease and Desist Order rather than her taking me up on all my offers that I send in her fan mail LOL

But that being said, 50 is a great age and there is a lot of life left. The toil of getting kids to self-supporting adults is either over or the end is in sight. One usually has a lifetime of established career and work ethic behind them and often a good bit of savings/investments. 

And most importantly, you don't really give a crap about much and you don't really care what the neighbors think anymore. If you want to sell everything you don't care about anymore on ebay and use the money to buy an old VW van and then cruise the country with some hippy chick with hairy legs, what's to stop you??? Go for it!! 

If a guy is in his 50s and still wants a love and sex life, but his wife of 20-30some years decides she's had enough and just wants to sit on Facebook and watch cat videos all day and doesn't want to blow the dust out of her crotch, that is also her right and her prerogative. 

So what's to stop him from going out and finding some hippy chick that wants to cruise the country in his VW van and maybe give him some road head on the way? 

That's right - NOTHING!

Divorce is too costly? Right right. The kids are grown or in this case only a year or so to adulthood. So they whimper a little when you break the news to them and they have to decide who's thanksgiving dinner to go to first on T-giving. If they're snowflakes they can go to their safe room and cry about it for while and if they're not snowflakes they can flip a coin. 

You may have to pay alimony y'say? Money well spent IMHO to not have to listen to someone complain about all their aches and pains and not be tipping over all their anti-depressant and anti-anxiety and migraine pill bottles every time you reach in the cupboard. And the best part is you don't have to deal with the sighs and the eye rolling and the grunts of disgust anytime you try to show them some love and affection...……. not to mention having to try to blow the dust and cobwebs out her jay-jay if you did want to have a marital sex life. 

Besides, how much money does a 50 year old really need to cruise the country in VW van?? You need gas. some oil changes and occasional repairs. And you need to not starve to death or freeze to death. Someone else can figure up that actual budget if they want, I'm gonna have faith that most people who have spent the last 30 years as a working professional can do it. 

But Oldshirt, dating is HHHHAAAAARRRRRDDDDD after 50! 

Lemme tell what is hard. It will be hard for the average 50 year old dude to find a 20-something, never married, no kids, hard-bodied, sex kitten that will want to "F" you all night long and then be your nurse maid and change your diapers when your crapping yourself will be hard. (if you're a millionaire, you can probably even do that; but for the average joe, not so much)

But to find some average, somewhat overweight but not morbidly obese, middle aged woman that is sick of raising kids and putting up with a lazy, do-noth'n spouse herself that would like to experience some freedom and adventure and love again?? they'll be coming out of the woodwork. 

They may not be hot babes anymore and they may have some stretchmarks and gall bladder surgery scares, but they've probably learned to give a great BJ over the years and will be glad to do it once someone has flipped on their Freak-Hormones after laying dormant for the last several years. 

So yeah - I disagree. He's spent several decades being responsible and raising a family and supporting a wife and family and nurturing a marriage and building a career and living financially responsibly. He did his job and he did what the Good Lord asked him to do. 

Now he's done that and the kids are grown and wife is on 16 different meds and her crotch had dried up and now she wants to read facebook posts and watch cat videos all day. 

F 'em all and go do what he wants is what I have to say. They've built a nice little nest egg for which they each can have half and he may need to pay her a little alimony so she can keep the wi fi hooked up but whatever he has remaining is all his to do what he wants and live however he wants. 

If that means bouncing on some lonely housefrau he met on OurTime.com or parking the VW van in the parking lot of the Bunny Ranch on his way through Nevada, so be it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> If a guy is in his 50s and still wants a love and sex life, but his wife of 20-30some years decides she's had enough and just wants to sit on Facebook and watch cat videos all day and doesn't want to blow the dust out of her crotch,
> 
> 
> Money well spent IMHO to not have to listen to someone complain about all their aches and pains and not be tipping over all their anti-depressant and anti-anxiety and migraine pill bottles every time you reach in the cupboard.
> ...



So @Spent just out of my own curiosity, how well does this above describe your wife? 

You've painted a pretty good picture of what she is like sexually now, but is this above also a somewhat accurate description of what she is like or have you managed to avoid the aches and pains and all the anti-depressant/anxiety and migraine meds so far??


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> But to find some average, somewhat overweight but not morbidly obese, middle aged woman that is sick of raising kids and putting up with a lazy, do-noth'n spouse herself that would like to experience some freedom and adventure and love again?? they'll be coming out of the woodwork.
> 
> They may not be hot babes anymore and they may have some stretchmarks and gall bladder surgery scares, but they've probably learned to give a great BJ over the years and will be glad to do it once someone has flipped on their Freak-Hormones after laying dormant for the last several years.



Here's the bitter irony in all of this - this above may be Mrs Spent in a few years. 

Let's say he does cash everything in and get the VW van and hit the road. The former Mrs Spent will likely spend some time complaining and moaning and groaning to her bitter divorced friends about their "sex addict" ex husbands taking off with hippy chicks with hairy legs and crashing their VW vans because they were getting road head and she will likely ***** and complain to the kids on how their father 'abandoned ' them even though they are adults and can see him whenever they want. 

But at some point her bitterness and resentment may die down a little and she'll realize that she wants a little fun and adventure too now that she has some time on her hands. 

She may buy a Harley and start cruising the highways herself and at some point some biker dude may flip a few hormonal switches in her and she'll find herself blowing some biker in the bathroom stall of some biker bar somewhere herself. 

And frankly I say all the power to her and I hope he has a diet high in pineapple. 

Maybe once she gets on a Harley and feels the wind through her hair and starts smoke'n some pole again, she'll realize she really doesn't need the anti-depressants and the anti-anxiety meds anymore. 

Some post menopausal divorced women do retreat into their own little bitter world and spend the rest of their days complaining about the bad behavior of the men in their lives and die alone being eaten by their cats. 

But others do embrace the newfound freedom and seek their own activities of enjoyment and fulfilment and live happily ever after whether it is with someone else or not. 

Even though Spent was talking about his frustrations and dissatisfactions, it doesn't sound like she was really living the life of Riley either. 

Hopefully they can find some common ground and learn to scratch each other's itches but if they can't do that with each other, hopefully each can find joy and happiness in their own lives as individuals.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

So How much time do you spend fishing (or other hobby) each week?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Spent said:


> Thanks for the replies. Her attitude is that she is fulfilling her part by agreeing that when I need it she will provide a release. When I have pressed the issue that it means more to me than that and I would like for her to enjoy it as well she accuses me of never being satisfied. She says she has no sexual desire and has agreed to meet my needs and for me to want more than that is to not appreciate the fact that she is agreeing to meet my physical need for sex.
> I would think a woman would be glad to know her husband would like for her to enjoy it as well, but she seems to be upset about it?
> She gets upset if I try to talk to her about what we could do to help her maybe actually enjoy it?


This situation sucks, from what I see you are both right. You are right to want an intimate loving sex life with your wife. Your wife is right that she is participating in intercourse solely for your benefit, which is more than some women or men do in similar situations.

I think where the problem lies is your wife has no desire to work on this. If you said she knew it was a problem and wanted to look forward to and enjoy sex but she just didn't know what to do I would have hope. Unfortunately she appears to fight any attempt on your part to work on the desire and enjoyment end. Maybe the fact she got this cream (which is probably an estrogen cream) shows an attempt to a degree but she doesn't seem to want to connect with you on any level which is the bigger problem. If she doesn't want to fix the marriage I don't think there is much hope.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Formally known as Hoosier said:


> BigToe said:
> 
> 
> > You've got 30+ years together which is worth saving, not to mention the fact...trust me...dating in your 50's isn't going to be fun. Don't throw the marriage away unless you are sure, VERY sure, you won't mind being alone.
> ...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BigToe said:


> Formally known as Hoosier said:
> 
> 
> > In other words, seven years of dating many women you could have done without. I guess you're right, "fun" is a subjective term.
> ...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OMG Oldshirt these last few posts of yours were probably the best I've ever read on this forum. I'm not kidding. 

I laughed so much I was crying!

Thank you, thank you.

My favorite parts were: about the cobwebs, the Harley scenario, and the bit about how your parents are either senile, dead, or don't care who you date, when you are in your 50s.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> OMG Oldshirt these last few posts of yours were probably the best I've ever read on this forum. I'm not kidding.
> 
> I laughed so much I was crying!
> 
> ...



Genital cobwebs, Harleys and dead or senile parents are all part of the wonderment of turning 50!! :-D


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Are you a good lover? Does you wife usually always orgasm?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

From what I've read, it sounds like wife is (mentally unable?) to admit she is able to even desire being about to engage in sex, much less allow OP to bring her to an orgasm.

Something's really wrong here. Ws opposition to trying to have good sex is mentally untenable for long.

The description on her ongoing discourse pre during and after a sexual attempt is actually off-putting to me, on this side of the 'net. 

Hang in there.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> BigToe said:
> 
> 
> > But lets keep in mind that someone in their 50s who's kids are grown and who's professional life has been lived and has raised their family etc is likely going to have a different set of objectives and standards than when they were single in their 20s and looking for a mate to have a home and build a life and family with.
> ...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Spent said:


> Thanks for the replies. Her attitude is that she is fulfilling her part by agreeing that when I need it she will provide a release. When I have pressed the issue that it means more to me than that and I would like for her to enjoy it as well she accuses me of never being satisfied. She says she has no sexual desire and has agreed to meet my needs and for me to want more than that is to not appreciate the fact that she is agreeing to meet my physical need for sex. Your right hand (or left !) can meet your PHYSICAL need for sex, but it cannot meet your need for intimacy between the two of you.
> Tell her you didn't get married to be roomates.
> I would think a woman would be glad to know her husband would like for her to enjoy it as well, but she seems to be upset about it?
> She gets upset if I try to talk to her about what we could do to help her maybe actually enjoy it?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Spent said:


> She gets upset if I try to talk to her about what we could do to help her maybe actually enjoy it?


Sorry bud, but that is a very bad sign. Any woman who says very likely this falls into 1 or the other of 2 categories: (1) she doesn't enjoy sex with anyone and nothing feels good to her or (2) she has enjoyed sex in the past with other men, but she doesn't enjoy sex with you, and whatever you are doing is so far from what she likes that she doesn't think you will ever improve sufficiently enough for her to enjoy it no matter what she tells you to do.

If it is the first case, then there is likely a psychological or medical issue involved, and she is the only one who can fix that (most likely needing professional assistance to do so). If it is the second case, you are probably not going to stumble upon what she likes through trial and error. So, again, she is the only one who can fix it. Either way, you face the same issue. Nothing you can do to fix it without her help and precious little you can do (beyond what you already have done) to motivate her to want to fix it. So if you want to give it 3 or 5 or 6 months of concentrated effort to make yourself into the best possible version of you - go for it. But if after 6 months she hasn't finally admitted to having been raped (and starts getting help to recover her sexuality), or to having endometriosis or vaginitis or vaginosis (and seen a gynecologist to get it treated), or that you are incredibly inept at kissing and giving oral (and shown you what she wants you to do instead), then she is never going to address her issues and you will never have a satisfying sexual relationship with her.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You need to seek therapy with your wife so she can be educated on what intimacy looks like.


Find out if she has any sexual violations in her history. Her attitude being so disconnected about sex isn’t healthy.

Would she agree to seek professional help?

Has your wife EVER had an orgasm? Does a vibrator help get her there?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

BigToe said:


> oldshirt said:
> 
> 
> > All of what you have written, in this post and others under this topic, is fantastic, enticing, fine, and dandy, IF you are a 50+ year old that wants to live like a carefree 20 year old again focusing on f*cking, s*cking, and getting as many notches on your belt as possible. I don't think that was OP's intention.
> ...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I'm in my 50's, dating and having the best sex of my life.
I'm in shape and attractive.
It's awesome to find a woman who knows what's up.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

If the doctor told her that PIV sex would be difficult for her, ask her what the dentist said!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Spicy said:


> Are you a good lover? Does you wife usually always orgasm?


Hey @Spent

I think you need to answer this.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It’s time to figure out if it’s worth living with a woman that’s this closed minded for the next 40 years.

That’s what it basically boils down to.

No one should have to beg to feel loved by the person they are married to.

I see it as manipulation and control the way she does things.


IF she was saying she was willing to change, willing to explore becoming more intimate with you - you’d have something substantial to work with...but she’s not... so she’s left you little choice if you intend to have a future with happiness involved.


When you state you’re divorcing her she may “suddenly” get motivated... so don’t be surprised - but that’s usually manipulation and short lived.


She’s never worked?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

It sounds like you lived separate lives for a good portion of your marriage, and perhaps she liked it that way? She got used to you being gone, and being on her own without having to factor in your needs or happiness to her daily life. Now that you're back, she could perhaps be a bit resentful that you are invading her lifestyle and forcing her to change. What was your marriage like before you started the work travel? 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Spicy said:
> 
> 
> > Are you a good lover? Does you wife usually always orgasm?
> ...


I just wanted to chime in and say that it's not ALWAYS a man's fault/he's not a good lover if his partner doesn't orgasm.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> If the doctor told her that PIV sex would be difficult for her, ask her what the dentist said!


Another score for completely awesome post in this thread. Oldshirt's thoughts yesterday were great, and this made me smile.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Spent said:


> This is my first post besides my introduction so I will try to provide a brief backstory then get to the point. We are both in our 50's been married since early 20's with 2 kids, one grown and married one in junior year of high school, but very independent. Both good kids who we are both proud of. We got married and did the right thing that all successful Americans do, got in debt for a house and cars etc. etc. I made sure my wife was able to stay home and raise the kids while I worked away until 3 years ago when I finally decided enough was enough I wanted to live, not just be gone missing out on my kids and life in general. That seems to be when the serious problems started!!
> We have always had very different sex drives, mine is high or what I think of as normal for a man. She does not have one as she once told me "if I never had sex again I would not care!" Yes, that made me feel great!! When I came home the high paying job ended and the financial issues started shortly after. I have always felt she was the one in control as I needed her for my physical and emotional needs related to sex and intimacy and she did not have any need of me, besides financial support as far as I could tell? I can admit I probably have some security issues related to my childhood!
> We reached a breaking point about a year ago. Several times during our marriage I tried to get her to go to counseling, but she always refused stating it was "personal" and "nobody else's business" Finally she agreed to go to a Christian type retreat for a few days as it was free and at the time we did not have money for a counselor! I thought by setting it up I was making an effort to fix things, when we left, it was worse than before as after talking to the pastors wife, she decided I was just "trying to fix her" as she put it.
> I offered for her to find a counselor and after many months, nothing? I finally found a counselor we could afford and again she seen it as me and the counselor trying to "fix her" as she put it ??
> ...


OP, reading this reminded me of my own failed marriage. Becoming self employed. the money issues, the lack of sex. The excuses my ex made sounded so similar to the ones yours is making. My ex told me she was too busy to even think about having sex with me. She told me none of her GFs liked having sex, it was just something they did to keep the peace. She told me I was stupid to even think about it. When I tried to initiate, she had all sorts of excuses - she was tired, she was constipated, she had to get up early, she had a meeting the next morning, it was supposed to be cold etc. I had so many rain checks I could have wall papered my house three times over.
I finally just gave up trying. When we did have sex it was vanilla. I knew exactly what was going to happen. Whenever I tried to spice things up I was shot down. She told me she was too old, or I didn't buy the right lingerie. If I tried to change up positions she would get all huffy. I don't know how many times she told, to not worry about her just hurry up and finish (I guess Facebook was calling her or something).
I was emasculated. I felt frustrated and depressed. I resented her and our marriage. Something just wasn't right about the whole thing. I mean people risked fame and fortune for sex, nations went to war over it, empires were won and lost because of sex. How could it be so unimportant to my wife?
It finally came to a head when I asked her what I had done to become so untouchable? She decided she was thru and left.
Since then I spent a few years in the wilderness trying to figure it out. In the end I decided that I had done everything I was supposed to do as a husband and as a father. The problem was her and always had been. Since then, my thoughts have been proven true. Now I enjoy my freedom, my time and my money the way I want to. I no longer feel guilty for thinking about my own wants and needs. If I want or need to have sex, the reality is that it is only a few days away. I have met plenty of women who are just looking for a good time. I am not talking about 20-30 or even 40 year old women. But women who are in the prime of their lives - 50 and older. They know what they want and one of those things is sex. I have had more sex since I got divorced than I had for most of my married life and much more than I had before.
As Oldshirt has said, there are plenty of women out there who are independent and self sufficient and just want to date. Sex is just another part of all that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BigToe said:


> oldshirt said:
> 
> 
> > All of what you have written, in this post and others under this topic, is fantastic, enticing, fine, and dandy, IF you are a 50+ year old that wants to live like a carefree 20 year old again focusing on f*cking, s*cking, and getting as many notches on your belt as possible. I don't think that was OP's intention.
> ...


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Spent said:


> I made sure my wife was able to stay home and raise the kids while I worked away until 3 years ago when I finally decided enough was enough I wanted to live, not just be gone missing out on my kids and life in general. That seems to be when the serious problems started!!





Spent said:


> I was working out of the country previously We currently have our large home for sale and when it sells we will be debt free and the intention is to build a smaller home on another piece of property we own. Once the house sells we will be in great shape financially as we do have other assets other than the home.


There is your reason your wife has lost desire for you. You lived away from her for years, only seeing her when you came home for short vacations. That wears on a woman. Willard Harley says you need to spend 15 hours together every week to keep the relationship going. You should be surprised your wife waited patiently for you instead of divorcing you for a man who wanted to live by her side every day.

Had she not steeled her heart it would have exploded from missing you. People with jobs that require them to spend huge amounts away from family inadvertently are driving nails in the coffin of their marriage.

Actions have consequences. She might not regain her emotional bond with you, which is at the root of sexual desire.

Don't divorce her. Take care of her in her old age. She lived as a widow waiting for you to come home during her best years. Now it is your turn to hold up your end of the bargain, and not ditch her since you are unhappy with what you created.

What you will need to do is woo her like you would if you just met her and were trying to win her heart. She might not give you a second chance but that is your only option if you want her to feel butterflies for you again like she did before you deserted her for your career and lots of money.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Araucaria said:


> Spent said:
> 
> 
> > I made sure my wife was able to stay home and raise the kids while I worked away until 3 years ago when I finally decided enough was enough I wanted to live, not just be gone missing out on my kids and life in general. That seems to be when the serious problems started!!
> ...


We don't know this is actually true.

Some people marry for the security/life structure, and aren't really into/deeply love their partner.

It could be she was one of those and now isn't happy he is around more.

We can't assume she turned off because she missed him. Maybe she liked the previous arrangement.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> There is your reason your wife has lost desire for you. You lived away from her for years, only seeing her when you came home for short vacations. That wears on a woman. Willard Harley says you need to spend 15 hours together every week to keep the relationship going. You should be surprised your wife waited patiently for you instead of divorcing you for a man who wanted to live by her side every day.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This is really situationally-dependent and one spouse is not the victim. I travel for work as a pilot and have for years. This came to a head and we went to MC. What came up was my wife had abandonment issues as a child but kept it to herself for 20 years (not my fault). When I offered in front of the MC other work options (flying job with more stability or non flying job) she wasn’t happy with those either because of either having to move or taking an $80K pay cut or her having to go back to work and seeing me 2 hrs a day since I’d have to commute in DC. And she’d get zero kid help during the week like she does when I’m home.

My wife says she lonely when I’m gone... well I’m lonely when I’m home watching her bury her nose in her iPad for three hours every night in the days I’m home. I told her it’s up to her to take advantage of being home and welcome me home versus focusing on leaving.

At a one-on-one with the MC we discussed that my wife will never be happy no matter what I pick job-wise. While prepared to give up an established career I hesitated to do so over someone’s inability to confront their own issues. The fact that she emotionally walls herself off 24 pre and 48 post-trip are her issues not mine, I’m ready to plug back in when I get home. And have tried when Im on the road but she sits there self-medicating her iPad and shopping. Our MC said I need to quit taking responsibility for her defense mechanisms. She’s not a victim, she’s had chances to come visit me on the road but chooses not to. She chooses resentment over love.




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

BigToe said:


> Formally known as Hoosier said:
> 
> 
> > In other words, seven years of dating many women you could have done without. I guess you're right, "fun" is a subjective term.
> ...


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

The more I think about your wife, I wonder if she has abuse in her past. She may know she has issues that need to be dealt with, but she can't bring herself to do it.


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