# Being the other women



## LadyGemma (Oct 4, 2011)

Hi,

I know most of you will be very judgemental but i am going to post this anyway. I have been sleeping with a 30 year old male who is in a relationship with another women, he has no kids, and no they are not married, however they are in a relationship. He tells me he is no longer physically attracted to her and seeks sex from me. I wanted to know do all men go through stages of not being attracted to their partner and want to have sex with other women? (I have called it off now because i couldn't handle him lying to his girlfriend, it was too much for me) And also, if your partner is not having sex with you for over a year and you have brought the issue up with them heaps of times, do you believe it is right to go out and have sex with someone else because of our needs?

Let me know what you think


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Lady Gemma,

Congratulations for breaking it off with him. Regardless of his reasons, he apparently has a commitment with this other woman and sleeping with someone else isn't a way to solve his problems with her. 

If she is not having sex with him, he needs to find out why, correct the problem, or move on - adding another person into the equation is not the answer. Now, you are probably hurt, she would be devastated and he, what, got to cum? 

I don't think it's ever right to go outside the relationship to get your needs met. If your needs aren't being met, leave the relationship, heal yourself, learn whatever lessons needed to be learned, THEN look at getting close to someone else. Anything else is a recipe for disaster.

Tracy


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## LadyGemma (Oct 4, 2011)

Thanks Tracy,

Sorry it is around the other way he is not attracted to her and is the one who doesn't want to have sex with her anymore, yet cannot break out of the relationship. It was a really hard place to be in my position, but i actually thought of the other women in the end, she has no idea still that he has been cheating and i don't think she will find out either, he is very sly and good at lying to her. It was hard letting go but had to be done and it was hurtful but oh well. In the end i cannot trust him anyway, he will most likely do the same to me as he did to her.

Thank you for your advice on going outside the relationship for sex, it is actually my friend who is in the situation where her boyfriend and her have been dating for almost 5 years and he won't have sex with her, and she has just lost it and recently cheated on him after years of talking about how he needs to have sex with her and trying to sort it out. I have told her this is unhealthy and she needs to break it off with him, but she won't


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

do this woman a favor and tell her, what if she ends up marrying this man? She will base her decision on lies.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

LadyGemma said:


> Hi,
> 
> I know most of you will be very judgemental but i am going to post this anyway. I have been sleeping with a 30 year old male who is in a relationship with another women, he has no kids, and no they are not married, however they are in a relationship. He tells me he is no longer physically attracted to her and seeks sex from me. I wanted to know do all men go through stages of not being attracted to their partner and want to have sex with other women? (I have called it off now because i couldn't handle him lying to his girlfriend, it was too much for me) And also, if your partner is not having sex with you for over a year and you have brought the issue up with them heaps of times, do you believe it is right to go out and have sex with someone else because of our needs?
> 
> Let me know what you think


I am more concerned for you. You are lovely and ill bet have a choice of men who would put you first and cherish you. Why did you select this guy who is not available above all of the others?

Contrary to pop belief, affairs stabilize the main relationship. It allows the cheater to have the best of both worlds. The family stays intact, the cheater does not have to deal with the issues in the marriage, and they get to play act falling in love. Thats why very few cheaters leave their spouse for the OM/OW. 

Being the third in the relationship means you are being used. Why would you want that. Find a guy who is honest and who puts you first, you deserve that.


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## ZeroCool (Sep 23, 2011)

LadyGemma said:


> Thanks Tracy,
> 
> Sorry it is around the other way he is not attracted to her and is the one who doesn't want to have sex with her anymore, yet cannot break out of the relationship. It was a really hard place to be in my position, but i actually thought of the other women in the end, she has no idea still that he has been cheating and i don't think she will find out either, he is very sly and good at lying to her. It was hard letting go but had to be done and it was hurtful but oh well. In the end i cannot trust him anyway, he will most likely do the same to me as he did to her.


This, to me, sounds like textbook cheat lingo. "My S/O doesn't understand me, I'm not attracted to her anymore but I feel obligated, feel sorry for me...". Blah, blah fishcakes.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

LadyGemma said:


> Thanks Tracy,
> 
> Sorry it is around the other way *he is not attracted to her and is the one who doesn't want to have sex with her anymore*, yet cannot break out of the relationship. It was a really hard place to be in my position, but i actually thought of the other women in the end, she has no idea still that he has been cheating and i don't think she will find out either, *he is very sly and good at lying* to her. It was hard letting go but had to be done and it was hurtful but oh well. In the end i cannot trust him anyway, he will most likely do the same to me as he did to her.
> 
> Thank you for your advice on going outside the relationship for sex, it is actually my friend who is in the situation where her boyfriend and her have been dating for almost 5 years and he won't have sex with her, and she has just lost it and recently cheated on him after years of talking about how he needs to have sex with her and trying to sort it out. I have told her this is unhealthy and she needs to break it off with him, but she won't


As for the guy you were dating, he was probably lying to you about how bad his relationship to his significant other was (that is typical of people who cheat).

As for your friend's relationship, yeah it takes a lot of work to keep the flame going in a LTR, but it's not that one partner or the other is broken, sex is a requirement for women and men alike, and so a sexless marriage doesn't mean they are just incompatible or will not be able to get it back, it means that other needs are not being met and the communication has broken down. Cheating can't fix that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Gemma--good for breaking it off with him. You already know he can lie so easily to his lady and is sly--so what makes you think he didn't lie to you too? He prob does have sex with her but just spun that tale to you so you'd sympathize and be willing to sleep with a guy who is in a relationship. And it worked.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Sex can get stale for both men and women. So I guess the answer to your question about if men occasionally want to have sex with other women is a yes.

Do I think it's right to have sex with another woman if your constantly being turned down for sex in your current relationship? No. Just end things. 

Now if you're married with children the answer is more complicated. Still a no...but with certain stipulations.

Kudos for breaking it off. I'm not going to judge you for sleeping with a guy who isn't married. I know it's going against the general consensus but as far as I'm concerned you did nothing wrong.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I am wondering how do you know for a fact that he is not sleeping with the other woman? Call me cynical or jaded or whatever, but to me this sounds like a twist on the scenario of wife not putting out. Just different so maybe more believable and makes you feel special and makes him look better in your eyes. Only you have a conscience about the other woman, so too bad for him. He misjudged you. Otherwise, it's possible he was doing the both of you. Either way, it made sense to break it off with him.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> do this woman a favor and tell her, what if she ends up marrying this man? She will base her decision on lies.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

LadyGemma said:


> In the end i cannot trust him anyway, he will most likely do the same to me as he did to her.


This is very true. He is not even married (I wonder -how do you know this for sure, do a background check? ), no kids, what in the world is wrong with him to NOT leave her, that makes no sense at all. I am with Homemaker, he likely just wants MORE tail somewhere, so he is using another for such fullfillment. 

Never be with an unavailable man. 

Many many good men can commit and commit for life and stay true. They are NOT all like this at all.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You shouldn't be with someone who cheats, because you might end up with them.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You don't know if he's telling the truth about his gf...maybe they have sex all the time and he's just a turd.

If he'll cheat on her, he'll lie to you


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask yourself this: If he will cheat on his girlfriend just to do it with you, what's the point of being with him? 

Why waste your valuable life and self respect just being the booty call for some amoral guy?


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## LadyGemma (Oct 4, 2011)

Hi All,

Thank you for your posts back it has been rather good to hear all the different replies.

I just wanted to say that the reason i slept with an unavailable man is for sex, i have been sex deprived because i don't like to go out and just sleep with anyone, so i figured if i slept with this guy i would get my needs and also not have to worry about attachment or dealing with a relationship. 

I have struggled for many years now to find a partner but to also open up to people as i am very guarded due to other life experiences and i am sure some people reading this may feel the same way.

However in the end, he started getting feelings for me and i think due to the amount of sex we were having i was also starting to get some sort of attachment which i am still unsure of because i don't usually get attached to people. So yes i called it off, so in a way we used each other to get what we wanted but then it all fell apart miserably. But it has been an experience and i have learnt from this. I don't really know why i seem to be attracted to these type of men, maybe it is because deep down i am unavailable myself? who knows


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