# Any advice? Losing confidence with husband



## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Hi,

I am wondering if anyone has been through similar feelings and has any advice on ways to move past this stage I'm in? My husband and I have been together for over 20 years (met late teens) and have always had a great chemistry. He has always appreciated that I kept fit and out physical relationship has been very bonding for us. However, I have just turned 40 and my body is changing shape - arghhh I have no control over the thickening of my hips/waist.

Anyway, I noticed over the past year he has been checking out more and more women with small waists and nice bums etc when we are out together (something that was never very obvious before). Sometimes it was really embarrassing if he was very obvious and they noticed and gave me one of those 'so sorry' looks. I told him I felt it was rude to get to that level when we are out together so he said he would tone it down, which was nice. The problem is now I have low confidence that he still finds me attractive because I don't look like what he keeps checking out. I am feeling fragile about getting older and that my body doesn't resemble what he is sexually drawn to. 

I am really grieving the special exclusiveness that we had before and that he was genuinely sexually drawn to me. He has made many many comments in the past about what he found attractive and I felt pretty secure because I mostly matched it but now I don't and know I've got to get on with grieving the loss of sexual attractiveness. Sure he loves me but I miss the lust I guess, being desirable because I still find him desirable and don't have a 'type'. When I told him I never see him checking out women with my body shape he said he loves my body because it's mine then said that if someone else was in my body that would be a different story...

So basically I am grieving the loss of my sexual attractiveness to my husband and it's tearing me apart. I'm becoming jealous and miserable and would rather live alone in order to feel good about my body than feel like this in a relationship. Has anyone else experienced this and if you did how did you let it go, accept the loss and feel at peace again?

Thanks


***UPADATE***

We had a very big discussion about this last night. He said he was terribly sorry and feels sick that he has contributed to this(all the detailed comments about women's bodies etc) . He said he is deeply attracted to me and loves me. He said he thinks he crossed the boundary and treated me as one of the guys because he was so comfortable with me at times and thought that I knew how much he loved and is attracted to me that he assumed I was ultra secure in our relationship knowing that I couldn't be replaced. All this has made him rethink and he is genuinely having a change of heart about what to share and not share. As I said earlier he really is a decent person but this behaviour has been bringing him down in my eyes so glad he's open to change.

Anyway, I will continue on my journey of self acceptance rather than relying on others for validation as all this has shown me I need a change in this area. 

SO, THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR ADVICE! 
Share


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Life Rule #1
Don't EVER worry or stress about things that are out of your control (for example: getting old and losing appeal).

If your husband loves you, your body (whatever shape it's in) is THE definition of perfect woman (with ALL of the imperfections).

If anything, you should be asking him what he likes about your body, what he doesn't like and if you need to improve on anything. 

Checking out other ladies is something that most man do. Mind you, there is a fine line of "checking out/quick peak" and "inappropriate/disrespectful". If you feel that he crosses that line, communicate it to him. 

Meanwhile, embrace it. If he loves you, spends most of the time with you and your sex life is great.....who cares if he looks at women? 

Don't you look at men from time to time? Nothing wrong with that....again, as long as it's appropriated (no sending wrong signals, no staring......winking etc).

Truth is, I already know the answer. It's human nature to be attracted to opposite sex, don't deny him from that (or yourself). Embrace it and heck, do it with him, I have a feeling you check out more women than he does!!!

As long as it's appropriate and as long as there is honest adult communication going on between you two. If he tells you he loves you and loves your body, accept it. 

YOUR INSECURITIES AND HOW MUCH YOU LIKE YOURSELF IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. 

What you husband feels about your body and how attractive he is to you is what really matters. Talk to him and find out. DO NOT get defensive when he is honest and be ready to be a bit offended (especially if you are dealing with insecurities). Truth is, he should be able to share ANYTHING with you, even telling you that you should lose few pounds here or there......just listen to him, his opinion is the only one that matters when it comes to your body.


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Thank you for the advice about not stressing about the things I can't control, so true. Will definitely be working on that!

Unfortunately after 20 years of hearing what he finds attractive in a woman's body I am acutely aware that I am now not THE ideal body for him regardless of his love for me as a person. 

I am not over weight at all and I'm toned etc. it's just I don't have the actual shape he is drawn to so it's nothing I can work at. Honestly, this hurts because I feel I am losing something that was precious between us. Also, unfortunately I am not in the super secure place to check out women with him as a constant reminder of what he is missing out on and I'm not going to find that much fun. He knows he can knock himself out doing so in his own time.

I think I might try working on not worrying about the stuff I can't control by letting let go of it. I could move toward letting go of trying to impress him and just wearing whatever I like for comfort (I love baggy clothes but have tried to dress nicely), dyeing my hair blonde (he only likes brunette but I've always wanted to try blonde) and not worrying about my weight anymore (I'll enjoy food!). Honestly, maybe the not trying to control what I can't is the answer. Someone once said that over 40 women start living for them and less to live up to someone else's wants. 

So if his attraction preference is something I can't be I've already lost so I may as well just be whatever I want. I think that might be a way to let go of the stuff I can't control. Just writing about this feels pretty liberating, if he loves me as a person then I'm free from trying to be physically attractive to him. I have seen women who do this at my age and I used to think they were just letting themselves go but I think they might have been setting themselves free from worrying about the uncontrollable. It's funny how we can see things differently as we get older, I never saw it that way before.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ok, so, is ALL that is happening here is him checking out other women? No decline in your sex life? Is he rejecting your more often, or commenting on how you look? I am sure he has been eyeballing other women all along, he IS a human male with a pulse. I think YOU are noticing more and projecting because of your own insecurity. If you dont get ahold of your issue, you are going to cause your own problems.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Makel01 said:


> Thank you for the advice about not stressing about the things I can't control, so true. Will definitely be working on that!
> 
> Unfortunately after 20 years of hearing what he finds attractive in a woman's body I am acutely aware that I am now not THE ideal body for him regardless of his love for me as a person.


You just need to ask him to be honest about how he feels about your body. He should tell you, in general, again if a man loves you, your body won't really matter. You/your body will be the best regardless.....and those other "perfect" women will just be eye candy.

Communication with him is key though.



Makel01 said:


> I am not over weight at all and I'm toned etc. it's just I don't have the actual shape he is drawn to so it's nothing I can work at. Honestly, this hurts because I feel I am losing something that was precious between us. Also, unfortunately I am not in the super secure place to check out women with him as a constant reminder of what he is missing out on and I'm not going to find that much fun. He knows he can knock himself out doing so in his own time.
> 
> I think I might try working on not worrying about the stuff I can't control by letting let go of it. I could move toward letting go of trying to impress him and just wearing whatever I like for comfort (I love baggy clothes but have tried to dress nicely), dyeing my hair blonde (he only likes brunette but I've always wanted to try blonde) and not worrying about my weight anymore (I'll enjoy food!). Honestly, maybe the not trying to control what I can't is the answer. Someone once said that over 40 women start living for them and less to live up to someone else's wants.


Ask him if he would like you to die your hair dark/brunette. See what he says, do it if he wants. Again, what HE wants/likes is what matter....not what you want (to an extent of course)




Makel01 said:


> So if his attraction preference is something I can't be I've already lost so I may as well just be whatever I want. I think that might be a way to let go of the stuff I can't control. Just writing about this feels pretty liberating, if he loves me as a person then I'm free from trying to be physically attractive to him. I have seen women who do this at my age and I used to think they were just letting themselves go but I think they might have been setting themselves free from worrying about the uncontrollable. It's funny how we can see things differently as we get older, I never saw it that way before.


I would still recommend that you take care of yourself and look great FOR YOUR HUSBAND.

Ignore your own feelings, focus on his and do what's within your control to improve (if he wants you to). 

Just to give you an example, my wife body has scars from birth, she has extra weight, stretch marks....if you were to cut out her face and ask me to rate her body (without knowing it was her of course)....it would be a mediocre score.

But since I love her, to me her body is THE best body woman can have IMO. 

You see what I'm getting at?

Take the best of the best woman out there and she will never EVER hold a candle next to my wife....TO ME.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Ok, so, is ALL that is happening here is him checking out other women? No decline in your sex life? Is he rejecting your more often, or commenting on how you look? I am sure he has been eyeballing other women all along, he IS a human male with a pulse. I think YOU are noticing more and projecting because of your own insecurity. If you dont get ahold of your issue, you are going to cause your own problems.


Great post :smthumbup:


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Men are attracted to all sorts of women.
No marriage would survive if men were only attracted to young, fit, shapely women. He's attracted to you and he is attracted to them. One does not cancel out the other.


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, 

You got some good advice so far. I can relate to your story. My wife an I are in our early 50s and married for 29 years. We both take the time and money to maintain our health and fitness. My wife is fully aware of what I find attractive. First I find her attractive. next she works out as hard or harder than I do. She does Yoga, Pilates, weightlifting cycling and some running. We eat organic and healthy foods. 

With all that said it is a choice we make each day. We both know that we are not 25 anymore. But that does not stop us from being the best we can be. You can be sexy and attractive for your husband but I think the point your missing is that you need to do this for yourself not just for your husband. Your issues based on what I'm reading are about how you feel about yourself and what you think your husband is feeling or not feeling about you. 

You can shape your body in any way you want too these days. It is not a foregone conclusion no matter what your age. We all age but that doesn't mean we have to let ourselves go. Please don't go all earth mother and start wearing moo-mu's and think it will make you happy. That is contrary to how you see and felt about yourself all your life. 

Good luck.


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

I would imagine you too have a preference in body type and there’s nothing wrong with that. Can you say your husband fits this body type perfectly? Not likely 

You love him regardless just as he loves you regardless. Don't let your own insecurity ruin your marriage. We all get older and we all need to understand our bodies will change over time. It’s depressing and sucks for everyone, but it is what it is. You can let this bring you down or you can accept it and move forward.

I am middle age myself and am now losing my hair, it sucks big time and I hate it. I know my wife would prefer it if I still had all my hair, but the fact is she loves me the same so I can't dwell on this and be miserable.


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

No checking out other women is not all that's been going on, that's always happened but it has increased to almost ADD like. I just feel that the 20 years of CONSTANT comments about the perfect bum, waist, face, fitness, legs etc etc is wearing very thin and I am exhausted from trying to measure up to his level of acceptable body image. Women have a lot of pressure generally from society regarding this stuff, I believe a marriage should be a soft place to land for both partners. Also, yes there was a decrease in sex life too. Since I brought this issue up with him he has been more proactive but it's nicer when it feels genuine, you know? Men don't like it when their wives fake either, they become insecure. 
My question though was about how to navigate these feelings around losing sexual attractiveness to their spouse because it is going to happen to everyone at some stage. At this point I feel the advice to not try to stress about the uncontrollable was really helpful. I really I am thinking that freeing myself from any of his expectations is the way to go because as DoF said if a man loves a woman he'll find her attractive regardless. I guess I'll soon find out because I'm done with trying to measure up to a list of perfect this and thats. Lucky I can cook well...

I'm sure there must be at least one other woman who has felt this pressure mid life?


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

Vorlon said:


> OP,
> 
> You got some good advice so far. I can relate to your story. My wife an I are in our early 50s and married for 29 years. We both take the time and money to maintain our health and fitness. My wife is fully aware of what I find attractive. First I find her attractive. next she works out as hard or harder than I do. She does Yoga, Pilates, weightlifting cycling and some running. We eat organic and healthy foods.
> 
> ...


Just a real good response right there :iagree:


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Vorlon, you are right. People can make themselves what they want (within reason) and I appreciate working out and eating well, I too eat a clean and organic diet. No mu-moos for me (haha) but you wrote something that made me think. you wrote that going all earth mother etc is contrary to how I have felt and seen myself all my life. Yes, you are right. I am now starting to realise that how I have felt and seen myself throughout my life is probably not what it should have been. Instead I am probably cranky about all this because I have felt trapped in expectations (voiced) about how my body should look. So I think the issue is how I have felt and seen myself all my life, that I should be what makes my husband happy rather than what makes me happy...this sounds like a midlife crisis for sure. Doesn't worry me though, great growth comes through crisis sometimes. 
Thank you for pointing that out though because I think that is a very big part of the problem. I really have to let go of my husbands expectations and just be.


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## Abovetheline (Aug 19, 2014)

Makel01 said:


> No checking out other women is not all that's been going on, that's always happened but it has increased to almost ADD like. I just feel that the 20 years of CONSTANT comments about the perfect bum, waist, face, fitness, legs etc etc is wearing very thin and I am exhausted from trying to measure up to his level of acceptable body image. Women have a lot of pressure generally from society regarding this stuff, I believe a marriage should be a soft place to land for both partners. Also, yes there was a decrease in sex life too. Since I brought this issue up with him he has been more proactive but it's nicer when it feels genuine, you know? Men don't like it when their wives fake either, they become insecure.
> My question though was about how to navigate these feelings around losing sexual attractiveness to their spouse because it is going to happen to everyone at some stage. At this point I feel the advice to not try to stress about the uncontrollable was really helpful. I really I am thinking that freeing myself from any of his expectations is the way to go because as DoF said if a man loves a woman he'll find her attractive regardless. I guess I'll soon find out because I'm done with trying to measure up to a list of perfect this and thats. Lucky I can cook well...
> 
> I'm sure there must be at least one other woman who has felt this pressure mid life?


My wife has felt this same thing and a lot of what brought this on was our slowing sex life. She was taking what was my problem (I'm not the young pup I used to be) and making it her own. She thought the issue was her body changing with age when in fact it was my sexual drive slowing. This confused the heck out of her because I too enjoy the site of a beautiful women, but this doesn't mean that I need that to improve the situation.

The more we discussed this the more she understood and the better she felt about herself. Not sure if this can be part of your problem?


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Thanks Lila, that is exactly what I am realising throughout this thread. I have relied too much on his approval and obviously this is a problem. I didn't mean I was going to let myself go, I meant I think I need to find my own groove rather than trying to fit into his specific preferences. If that means wearing comfy clothes so be it but I also agree women benefit from doing pretty things to make themselves feel / look good and I plan on doing that too. The difference will be to do them for me and not someone else's expectations. We met when I was very young and eager to please, I listened too much to comments about what I should do to look good or what looks good etc etc because I wanted him to be happy. Problem is that now I'm not happy and the change has to start in me. I will look into that book because honestly I think I gave away my power at a young age and will need to rebuild a solid body image and self esteem that can withstand anything that might come my way.

Great advice Lila, thanks. :smthumbup:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Makel01 said:


> No checking out other women is not all that's been going on, that's always happened but it has increased to almost ADD like. I just feel that the 20 years of CONSTANT comments about the perfect bum, waist, face, fitness, legs etc etc is wearing very thin and I am exhausted from trying to measure up to his level of acceptable body image. Women have a lot of pressure generally from society regarding this stuff, I believe a marriage should be a soft place to land for both partners. Also, yes there was a decrease in sex life too. Since I brought this issue up with him he has been more proactive but it's nicer when it feels genuine, you know? Men don't like it when their wives fake either, they become insecure.
> My question though was about how to navigate these feelings around losing sexual attractiveness to their spouse because it is going to happen to everyone at some stage. At this point I feel the advice to not try to stress about the uncontrollable was really helpful. I really I am thinking that freeing myself from any of his expectations is the way to go because as DoF said if a man loves a woman he'll find her attractive regardless. I guess I'll soon find out because I'm done with trying to measure up to a list of perfect this and thats. Lucky I can cook well...
> 
> I'm sure there must be at least one other woman who has felt this pressure mid life?


DO NOT take what I said to the extreme.

NOTHING is good when taken to extreme.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Next comes his thread.

"My wife is losing interest in me"

"I used to rock her world now she is less and less interested, I think she may be going through an MLC, now I am worried that she is looking for attention elsewhere..."



Sometimes we just don't know how good we have it.

Makel01, I hope you share your true feelings, pain and plan with your husband, he may just have an epiphany, for the good of the relationship don't let him dismiss your feelings. That is my advice.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

If he is ogling other women to that extent something has changed for him and her expressing her sadness and worry will do nothing if he doesn't open up himself. His attachment is weakening and it might have nothing to do with her body at all. I would ask about other things like drinking and porn use as well. Time spent together. Apart.


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## chatanika (Aug 20, 2014)

I can totally relate!..my situation is different from yours but my feelings are the same. I am putting forth great effort to not allow his rejection of my body to affect me and some days it works. Then the next thing I know, I see him checking out girls half my age or making a comment that feels like a slap and there goes my self confidence. You're right. Its miserable. But I refuse, absolutely refuse to let this destroy my self esteem and to base my self worth on what my husband thinks of my body. And I do take into consideration that he may possibly be changing and may be now needing something or someone else..That hurts. It hurts a lot. However, if it is indeed true that he is 'going through a life crisis' or may be feeling the fear of getting older, then it doesn't have anything to do with me or my body change. Yes, I could stand to lose a few pounds and exercise more often but what if I don't want to?? And would that keep him from straying or lusting after other women? No. I turned 50 this year and am still a beautiful and sexy woman. I notice men looking at me and my girlfriends and sisters and daughters tell me all the time how great I look. I am not thin nor in shape. It's because I am coming into my own, so to speak. The last thing I need in my life right now (or any time for that matter) is for the man I love to make or try to make me feel bad about myself. The other day I had just stepped out of the shower and was standing in front of the open bathroom door rubbing myself down with baby oil. He walked by, glanced in and kept walking. It felt like a stab to my heart..Before, he would of came in and finished the job, ya know? Nothing...no response from him. So all I can tell you is that if your body truly bothers you and you want to get in better shape, then do it. But if you look in the mirror and think "not bad. I can definitely live with this" then do! Tell him how you feel and if he continues to treat you unfairly, then maybe you two need to talk about some deeper underlying issues?? IDK..just sayin. Keep your chin up and don't give up on yourself or the marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A couple things. First, it's typical for all marriages to get...stale. You take each other for granted, nothing's exciting any more, you look at PYTs out there and think wow, wish I could have one of those. All very common. 

You can address this. Harley says couples should spend at least 15 hours a week together doing non-chore/kids/tv/work things. In other words, keep dating each other, even if it's just spending half an hour working on a jigsaw puzzle together or having a cup of coffee in the morning. It's that bonding that you get from one on one time without distractions, that keeps the love strong. How much time do you two spend together. 

Second, what are YOU doing to have a life outside of him? Do you meet up with friends? Do you get out and do a hobby without him? Are you doing something fulfilling? All these things feed your self-worth, and it sounds like yours is flagging. Make sure you are making a valuable life for yourself that doesn't involve him (in the time you aren't spending with him, lol). Because this self confidence you'll get from having this life will spill over into your relationship and he will notice and he will be intrigued and you will start to look more and more attractive to him.


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Thanks for sharing Chatanika. I hope you keep your head held high, I'm sure it's a natural phase and that your determination to keep your self esteem high will see you through it


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Turnera, thanks for your comment. So true that marriages can get stale. We spend a lot of time together doing positive things. I also have great friends, some hobbies and interests I really enjoy and career advancement which is what I value very dearly and am valued at as well. I'll look into some new interests to fill my time and develop more skills to feel good about.

The issue is really about his physical preferences and reading Harley's book amongst some others helped lowered my hope in all this, which was really unfortunate because I read them to learn to help him feel even more loved. Their focus on the importance to men for pleasing appearances only confirmed to me how exhausting it can be for women to have that kind of pressure. I keep in shape, dress nicely etc. but am only able to do what I can do so outside that it might be up to him to figure out if he still wants me around. After sleeping on this over night I realise I am not prepared to let this steal my joy any longer. As I said I have good friends, hobbies and career and will focus on these and my husband knows where the door is if he's not satisfied with what he has with him. I now figure it's my responsibility to keep healthy and happy and his feelings about me are his responsibility. I'm not going to turn myself inside out like a pretzel to make him accept me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why are you saying things like 'if he wants to keep me around'? Is there more going on than just comments about other women?


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## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

I strongly believe that confidence and a good self esteem add to a person's outward beauty. The body changes you described are out of your control, but your attitude and confidence level are IN your control. All you can do is be yourself, hold your head up high, and love the person you are (40 year-old body and all). I would be surprised if your husband didn't find that extremely appealing. He obviously loves you very much- don't allow your thoughts to convince yourself otherwise. Hugs!


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Turnera, 

You asked me 'Why are you saying things like 'if he wants to keep me around'? Is there more going on than just comments about other women?' 


I believe that one of the reasons I think 'if he wants to keep me around' is due to reading a number of of marriage books and learning that one of the largest part of a marriage for a man is his wife's attractiveness, his wired sexual preference for variety and his visual nature. Also, that this is one of the greatest areas of weakness/temptation for a husband. If I could stay eternally youthful and morph into the preferred shape (even though I'm in shape it's a different preference) then I'd be sweet and would relax knowing that there's no competition out there - differences yes but I would tick enough boxes to be out of the old wifey zone. Also, I have had enough experience with friends' husbands cheating, friends cheating with married men, being younger and having many married older men leer and approach me even with their wives in the area, married men having that horrible interested look that cranks the neck (whether with wife or not) and finally my own father cheated on my mother. Since my youth I cringed as I saw men behave this way and was afraid of becoming the poor old suffering wife faithfully standing by her husband (cooking, supporting, loving, caring) while he day dreamed away about finer pastures. Basically, yes you are right I think there are bigger issues with basic trust and I will need to explore that further. I really don't like what feels like a shift from lover figure to mother figure...I have heard of other women talk of this (I work with elderly people and they share a lot!). I think it's a natural part of life, grieving losing your attractiveness to your husband. I just wish there was an easier way through the process of gradually becoming friends more than lovers, preferably less painful - ways to cope and redirect my energies. Have you ever felt similarly?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, for two reasons. First, I knew that I was the one person my husband wanted to be married to and I like myself enough to know that I'm damned valuable and I know he knows it, too. Second, I know that, just as I am aging and losing my 'spark,' so is HE. He teases me when he sees a hot young thing about going to hook up with her, and because of these two things, I just laugh and say 'you go right ahead and try. Let me know if they let you.' And we laugh about it and move on.

The only real problem I see here is YOUR low self-worth. If you loved yourself, you'd recognize your own worth and be able to see WHY he would be crazy to drop you. But because you don't, because you constantly think he CAN get better than you, you project that and he picks up on it, and you end up with both of you not understanding why your relationship is so rocky.

What's needed here is ongoing therapy to figure out why you don't love yourself (likely something in your childhood).


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

I think your level of self worth is very valuable and am happy for you both that you are relaxed and secure with one another. 

Yeah, I'm pretty sure this insecurity is rooted deeply in my experiences around my father's pervy behaviour and cheating on my mother when we were young. Basically, it broke our family up and he continued to be a perv from then on. My father modelled what was important to him (young women) and he was very neglectful of us. Gee it sucks that I internalized all that and it doesn't just go away but pops up uninvited. It's as though I am just waiting for the moment to happen to me, just as it did with my mother. I also suspect I chose a husband who would trigger these feelings through his high expectations for sexual attractiveness. Well, one thing is for sure I AM NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS ANY LONGER! I am going to book in with a counsellor of some sort and deal with it head on. At 40 I simply refuse to be controlled by something that was incredibly painful back then hijacking my present and future. Thanks for the encouragement.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes! Therapy is the only way for you to deal with this. Try to find one who specializes in CBT, cognitive behavior therapy.

And now that I know your dad did that, it all makes perfect sense. You learn 'normal' from your folks and if their normal isn't normal, well, your view of life won't be, either. You're just waiting for your husband to turn into your dad. Which isn't fair to him.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Except that his behaviour is a clue to his thinking. If he does this in front of her how is he when she isn't there?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

From what I saw, all he's doing is looking at other women? Doesn't everyone do that?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

My previous husband was a gentleman.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Except that his behaviour is a clue to his thinking. If he does this in front of her how is he when she isn't there?





turnera said:


> From what I saw, all he's doing is looking at other women? Doesn't everyone do that?





clipclop2 said:


> My previous husband was a gentleman.


_My_ wife points them out to me, these days. I never did anything to let her know when I was checking someone out, but she could tell, even with me wearing shades and not turning my head.

Make (OP), how often do men give *you* the eye when you are out and about?

If the only problem is your waistline, that's a function of aging metabolism and is controllable through a combination of diet and very brief exercise.

Men are programmed by mother nature to sexually respond most intensely to a women whose physique falls into certain dimensions that denote fertility. As we age, fertility wanes and the body signals that. However, most men are still attracted to most women who aren't too far out of those parameters, even after menopause.

Sounds to me like you're ready to move on.


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Turnera,

No, just blatently looking at other women is not all that he's been doing, that wouldn't be an issue in itself at all because I can see that many people are attractive and beautiful. It's just that he has consistently (over 20 years) told me what the perfect butt is, the perfect shape, that straight up and down is 'yuck', that blocky women look like men, a woman's got to look like a woman with nice curves etc. blah blah blah. When you here this stuff over a long time it can start to have an impact on how you feel your husband feels about your body - especially when it doesn't look like the perfect what ever he's been going on about. I mean seriously he could just keep his opinions to himself. I'm sure there are women out there who wouldn't care at all whether their husband is attracted to them or not and good for them! Unfortunately I do care and if we are going to intimate I lose a little confidence and don't like the feeling of being judged according to some standard.

So, looking at other women is not the issue (it's a natural reflex), that just confirms the 20 years of shared opinions which should have been kept in his private world - sure share it with friends but not your wife, especially if she doesn't fit. I see it as common courtesy as I have never done this to him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, then, this is an issue of you explaining your boundary and giving him a consequence if he doesn't respect it. I flat out tell my husband if he has a complaint about my way of doing something, I don't want to hear about it. And that if he gives it to me anyway, guess what the consequence is for crossing that boundary? You guessed it - HE gets the chore. He used to complain that I didn't mow the yard well enough; I told him I didn't want to hear it and if he persisted, he'd be stuck doing it himself. He literally RE-mowed the yard I had just mowed one time. Flabbergasted, I stood there and watched him do it. He finally noticed me and stopped, said what? I said 'you just gave yourself a chore' and walked away. That was 3 or 4 years ago. I haven't mowed the yard since.


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Ha! I'm sure it was worth him choosing not to be so critical in the future if it meant he didn't have to do the job for you, well done.

Only thing about this issue is that there are no reasonable consequences for this. There are natural consequences of course, like I'm not as confident and this comes out in intimacy now so I guess if you put weed kill on a garden hoping to grow flowers and get nothing you can't really complain about a natural consequence. I know there isn't much I can do now other than build up my confidence myself and frankly not care what he thinks of me. I am smart, a good friend, creative, fit and in shape and talented at my career. I am letting go of trying to appeal and starting with my strengths that will outlast a 'perfect' butt!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Tunera, I dont see how she can give him the chore of changing the shape of her behind.

I do think she should have a serious talk with him but in all likelihood he will tell her a bunch of nonsense that doesn't make her feel any better. Whether he stops being so obvious I can't predict. But if he doesn't she will eventually stop wanting to go places with him, further eroding their relationship. My husband's behavior crossed a line in front of my daughters no less and after that I have been extremely gun shy even though I have a good body and he is overweight. I'm attracted to him so other women must be too. It is just freaking insulting to be disrespected by someone who is fat and lazy. The OP let her husband talk too much when he was younger and didn't teach him a life lesson that he should have learned growing up. Having to teach it to him now when she feels insecure compounds the injury because it makes her look and feel even weaker. Depending upon the type of guy he is her could really use this against her to make her feel worse, that this is all her problem. Why else would this behavior all of the sudden be an issue of it was there all along?

We can be very direct and say that it is her problem and be correct.

But that ignore the fact that this is a couple problem. He should be her biggest fan and be able to talk her down from this insecurity only nothing he says will be credible. 

Honestly the only solution I can see is to work like crazy to get that shape back. Or to stop giving a darn what he thinks.

Both are very difficult to do and the latter still requires him to change his behavior to prevent not caring what he thinks on THIS topic to begin spilling over into other areas of their lives.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Honestly the only solution I can see is to work like crazy to get that shape back. Or to stop giving a darn what he thinks.


Another option is to tell him to change his attitude and get control of his thought life. Tell him that you are not going to tolerate his disrespectful and hurtful comments anymore. Then when he does it again, telling him that you want to go home - now - that he is being rude and hurtful and you don't want to be around him until he stops letting his disrespectful, counter-productive thoughts get a hold of him and spill out on you.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Makel01 said:


> Turnera,
> 
> No, just blatently looking at other women is not all that he's been doing, that wouldn't be an issue in itself at all because I can see that many people are attractive and beautiful. It's just that he has consistently (over 20 years) told me what the perfect butt is, the perfect shape, that straight up and down is 'yuck', that blocky women look like men, a woman's got to look like a woman with nice curves etc. blah blah blah. When you here this stuff over a long time it can start to have an impact on how you feel your husband feels about your body - especially when it doesn't look like the perfect what ever he's been going on about. I mean seriously he could just keep his opinions to himself. I'm sure there are women out there who wouldn't care at all whether their husband is attracted to them or not and good for them! Unfortunately I do care and if we are going to intimate I lose a little confidence and don't like the feeling of being judged according to some standard.
> 
> So, looking at other women is not the issue (it's a natural reflex), that just confirms the 20 years of shared opinions which should have been kept in his private world - sure share it with friends but not your wife, especially if she doesn't fit. I see it as common courtesy as I have never done this to him.


I'm with you on this.

Am I the only other person here who sees his constant detailed comments about other women's bodies to his wife as blatant disrespect & immature for a man his age?

My husband has a preference for tall, thin brunettes with big boobs. I know it & of course he looks at other women & OCCASIONALLY will mention that he saw a stunner here or there, but he never does it in front of me when we are out nor do I say that the bartender/waiter/cashier/car salesman/cabana boy is hot in front of him. We both don't feel it is appropriate.

No wonder the OP has low self-esteem ........

OP, many attractive women in their 40's start to mourn their younger selves. They no longer turn heads like before & start to feel invisible. I & my friends all went through it. There are books that can help you cope with your feelings on this.

The good news is that once we hit our 50's, those feelings all but disappear. We have had an entire decade to mourn the loss. In our 50's the goal is to feel confident, healthy & happy. 

Good self-esteem comes from accomplishments no matter the age. Outside beauty does not equal good self-esteem. My 2 daughters are beauties & people tell them all of the time. However, that alone does not make them happy. They are happiest when they get a A on a college exam or sink a birdie on the golf course. Accomplishments.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Problem isn't just with his behavior any longer, Cynthia. She cannot unknow what he prefers. She cares how he feels about this topic and while not rubbing it in her face would certainly be awesome she cannot dictate to him his preferences so telling him to knock off the attitude isn't going to resolve the bottom.. no pun intended... line.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, you misunderstand me. Tell him "H, I can't handle your constant comments about other women any more. It is disrespectful and it hurts my feelings and hurts my confidence - which coincidentally makes me not want to have sex with you as often, by the way. But I need you stop. I can't stop you looking, but I can do something if you mention it again. Every time you comment about another woman, I'm going to turn around and leave you, whereever you are, and go home or somewhere else. It's your choice, of course, just know that if you continue to disrespect me, you'll start doing it alone."


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The problem is deeper than that.

Her confidence is hurt because of what she knows.


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

So true Clipclop2. Ok, so what I have done is tell him I don't want to hear about women's bodies at all. This includes mine since I am embarking now healing journey. So that means no comments about my body, negative, neutral or positive. I am working on feeling comfortable in my own skin apart from any feedback from hi since his 'uplifting' remarks don't feel very credible - It doesn't help. I don't feel comfortable being intimate but we are married so I will have to do it for the sake of the marriage but will investing some lingerie that covers as distraction. These two things plus my plan to hyper focus on further developing my strengths, abilities, helping others and generally contributing to making the world a better place are my game plan. 

So it's likely we won't be red hot lovers anymore but I can work toward friendship with the occasional sex (with my cool covering lingerie) thrown in for the sake of the marriage. This is about building a new way of seeing myself. I can't leave to rebuild so have put a boundary in place in order to have a safe place to do so on my own. After lots of thought and generous replies on here that's pretty much what I'm left with because I can't just get over so many comments about what's acceptable or not, hot or not etc etc. as though they've not been said repeatably. They have, and now it's time for ME to define what's acceptable, preferred and appreciated for me - he can keep his opinions about me or whatever to himself until I feel so comfortable in my skin apart from hi that what is says or displays is not triggering this insecurity but is not required.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Excellent. I'm curious, though - what is it you 'know' that hurts your confidence?

And what is your consequence for him overstepping this boundary? It may take him a while to change his habits. Don't chew him out if he says something, just leave the room - tell him why the first time; after that, don't say anything, just get up and leave. He'll know why.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What did he say when you told him?


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

What I 'know' that has lowered my confidence is my husbands very narrow preferences and voiced dislikes about women's shapes / features ('yeuckhh' as he has put it). This makes me cautious to show my body, like a fear of judgment of being analyzed like that because it's happened so much. For example, once during an intimate act I saw he was doing something different and asked him what he was doing and he said he was checking to see if my butt fit in the right dimensions for a good butt according to some hand measurement thing the guys at work were talking about. I mean, I was sharing my body not asking to be deemed worthy or not, very unsettling...to me, maybe some women wouldn't care and good for them but I do. 

What did he say in our conversation? He felt sad and disappointed in his actions, that I felt hurt. He reassured me with all the stuff a guy would say in this position and while I appreciate the token of care I'm still wary after 20 years. So I will begin my transition from other centred acceptance to self acceptance. Thanks for asking 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Every single person has their own preferences. There's nothing wrong with having those preferences. What's wrong in your situation is him not respecting you enough to shut up about it. And your accepting it. But we live and learn. We mature, we gain experience, and then one day we just know how to handle it better. That's where you're heading. Don't beat yourself up.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Yeah, he is seriously immature. The guys at work are just as bad.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Why do woman let this happen. Who is he to define you? Didn't you ever tell him what you like in men? Better start giving him some of his own medicine now. Let him feel what you feel. He is so deeply insecure that I am not sure he can take an honest appraisal. 

What do you like in men? I like a naturally powerful body type. Nice guns, muscular legs, flat stomach, hair. How about you? Does your husband come up short in any area? He is showing signs of aging, no? 

Is his nose and ears thickening and growing hair? Skin dropping, belly popping out, does he have stick arms and legs. Is he below 6 feet, have you examined his head for bald spots lately? How is age effecting the pluming? How about size, does he come up short. 

Sounds mean, even to me. However, you have not been spared his scrutiny. Yet, you spare his fragile male ego by not pointing out the ways he is not measuring up. Not the lest of which is his insecurities and weaknesses as a man. A secure and smart man would not say the things he says. If he earned your protection that would be one thing but he has dismissed your kindness as worthless and trampled on yours. 

He is trying to divert your attention from his shortcomings and you let him. Now you want to shut down your sex life for a weak man? Look gurl - it's time for you to become a strait up b!tch. You created this monster now you need to slay it. If he does not shape up, dump him and let him troll for butts. Let him see if he measures up against the competition for nice asses. 

You body is still controllable. Just make adjustments to diet and activity to accommodate your changing metabolism. Low glycemic index diet lower calories and core exercises. My mother is in her late 50's. She has a slightly rounded abdomen but not a boxy shape. She eats very few carbs and she cut down on her calories. She walks miles every day.


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> Why do woman let this happen. Who is he to define you? Didn't you ever tell him what you like in men? Better start giving him some of his own medicine now. Let him feel what you feel. He is so deeply insecure that I am not sure he can take an honest appraisal.
> 
> What do you like in men? I like a naturally powerful body type. Nice guns, muscular legs, flat stomach, hair. How about you? Does your husband come up short in any area? He is showing signs of aging, no?
> 
> ...



Thanks Catherine, so true. You know I've been so busy feeling so yuck about this I've not taken a step back to evaluate him. Honestly though I don't want to because I don't want to be like that but it's a good point to remember for myself! After reading through my posts I think I've got some codependency issues going on which I'll have to address. I've been raised to think this stuff is important but now at 40 I'm throwing it off. I am what I am and honestly it's not bad. I even measured myself recently (I sew) and my proportions haven't even changed so I think it's really been getting in my head, all those comments etc. 

Totally working on letting this go...

I just want to thank Everyone for your generosity in offering advice / perspectives, it's been really appreciated and has helped me process this stuff. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I'm with you on this.
> 
> Am I the only other person here who sees his constant detailed comments about other women's bodies to his wife as blatant disrespect & immature for a man his age?


The H is clearly an imbecile. I thought I was picky, but it sounds like this guy has one particular woman in mind.


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## zackie (Aug 27, 2013)

Your husband sounds superficial and immature. Women aren't objects on display to be aesthetically admired by men. He needs to grow up! And I say this as someone who just turned 40 and knows where you're coming from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

UPADATE

We had a very big discussion about this last night. He said he was terribly sorry and feels sick that he has contributed to this. He said he is deeply attracted to me and loves me. He said he thinks he crossed the boundary and treated me as one of the guys because he was so comfortable with me at times and thought that I knew how much he loved and is attracted to me that he assumed I was ultra secure in our relationship knowing that I couldn't be replaced. All this has made him rethink and he is genuinely having a change of heart about what to share and not share. As I said earlier he really is a decent person but this behaviour has been bringing him down in my eyes so glad he's open to change.

Anyway, I will continue on my journey of self acceptance rather than relying on others for validation as all this has shown me I need a change in this area. 

SO, THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR ADVICE!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Makel01, I"m glad you guys talked. I think Catherine said it really well, but this is a common power imbalance that women allow; as she said, you're under lots of scrutiny and constantly worried about what he thinks of you but he doesn't have to worry about what you think of him. Why not? Maybe next time he starts checking out other women you should start checking out other men in front of him; if it's truly harmless he won't care. And let him know what YOU like in a man and let him worry about whether he measures up. While I would agree that it's normal for men to look at other women what you've got her isn't normal, it's a guy that still sees himself as a much younger man and feels entitled to a certain body type.

FWIW I just turned 40 as well so I'm with you, things do change with age. I would tell you I'm still in damn good shape (40 miles of running per week along with lifting will do that) but some things are a little different then 20 years ago. Two kids might have something to do with that too but I digress.

I'd guess that your husband doesn't see himself as the age he is; he probably still views himself as a strapping 25 year old. This is very common and doesn't make him a bad guy, it's normal in a youth obsessed society. Women have always had more pressure to look good then men; there have been studies that show that men rate themselves higher then women rate them, and women rate themselves lower then men rate them. Now of course there are plenty of men that take good care of themselves and see themselves exactly for who and what they are and don't expect their women to look like they're 20 when they're 40, but your husband may or may not be one of them. But whatever you do, do not let yourself be under all kinds of scrutiny while he has none. If you are expected to bring all kinds of hot to the table so should he. And men in general have this idea that they are better then women of comparable age after about 40; you see it all the time on TAM. Men are constantly commenting on how womens value goes down after 40 while theirs goes up, and they should show their ex wives by finding the younger, hotter woman they're entitled to. They think like this because we allow it. I'll probably get a bunch of men upset for saying that, but hopefully they know I love most of them. And in mens defense, they have their own power imbalance to deal with in terms of earning power, which they are under a great deal more pressure over then we are. 

Just try to make sure there's some balance here. Good luck.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I'm so happy. He is not a jerk so don't point out his faults. That will make a good relationship bad in the long run. But if he drifts into sharing again, share what you find attractive, as a gentle reminder.  

He did not realize that his sharing was effecting your security. Both of you seem to be using this to grow personally. It will probably straighten your relationship. Now you know that you don't have to hide what you really feel and who you really are. It causes you needless misery. Besides, your husband love's the real you so relax and enjoy.


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## MissBrittB87 (Mar 15, 2013)

This sound awful to me. I would never do that t my husband-make comments about other men's bodies and stare so why should it be don't to me? I may be picky but to me i would be genuinely hurt if my husband did that. I do have a bit of a self esteem issue despite constant affirmations from people but the only person I care likes the way I look is My husband. 

everyone always says "Men are visual" the bible sort of refutes this in ways. Men were often seduced with word. I mean, My brother in law still teases my husband for not getting remotely into a lap dance. (Way before we met, his brother made him come celebrate his birthday with him at a strip club.) His BIL bought him a lap dance and he was uncomfortable , not turned on and just wanted to leave. He never went back again. And he never comments on women's looks unless it's to say "That dress would look great on you babe" when he sees something in a magazine.


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