# Midlife crisis



## crushed (May 21, 2009)

My husband mentioned in passing he may be going through a mid-life crisis. He will be 38 this year and is experiencing alot of stress. Our sex life diminished, he doesn't talk much, he goes fishing with his brother all the time, he is not unfaithful, he says "I care for you but I'm not in love with you and I don't want to live a lie that we'll regret later on."

This happened so suddenly and recently (within a month). He says its over between us because he is not in love with me anymore. I am devastated because I am madly in love with him.

Does anyone have any insight on midlife crisis? Is this something he will get over and return to his normal loving self? Or is this the beginning of the end?


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## crushed (May 21, 2009)

any help would be great, I want to save our marriage.


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## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

Sounds like more than a midlife crisis if he is saying he is no longer in love with you...

My parents went through a midlife crisis when I had my kids I think.. but all they did was went out and buy harleys, one for each kid I had, and now they attend every biker rally they can...

Suggest some counseling to him, let him know that you want him and only him and you want this marriage.. if he refuses, there isn't much you can do.. other than ask him if he wants out of the marriage. 

Wishing you the best.
SB


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

crushed-

Before I answer... tell me, why have you started a new user-name?


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I went through a similiar situation with my 1st husband about 9 years ago. The difference is that I was the one saying it and not him. I was done, plain and simple. There were a lot of factors that added up to this over the years including his infinelity and drug use. There was also a lot of arguing leading up to it as well. I tried really hard the last year or two to make it work, because of the kids.

Sadly, the bottom line is: you can't make someone love you if they don't anymore & the more you push to try to get him to stay, the more he is going to pull away. 

I think your best shot is to let him see you on your own without him and maybe his eyes will open to what he used to see when he was in love with you. (we tend to give up bits of ourselves in relationships and sometimes those bits are what attracted them to us in the first place...at least that's what I think).

Hang in there!!!! You deserve to have someone who loves you as much as you love them. If he can't give it to you, then you need to be free to find the right guy who can.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I was also madly in love with my H when we first were together. i think the problem was he would meet my needs and i was oblivious to his. so the relationship became very one sided. i dont know if that has anything to do with what you are going through, but i have learned to kind of back off and try to understand my H more. so even though i wouldnt say i am madly in love with him anymore, i would say we have a good relationship because we both feel heard and supported.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I never had a mid life crisis

know why?
I did all my crazies when young and have no desire. I did all kinds 
of stupid things which was kinda screwed up but it made me strong.
I have lived life and not tip toed. Now that I'm 50...
I feel relived some pressure is off me, youth centered pressures
like my looks which EVERYONE seemed to focus on sooooooooo
freaking much all my life.
I think mid life crisis hits more in certain situations, mine is not one of them. I was young and stupid a longgggggg time.
haha
now I have no desire to re-live any of that.


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## notsopeachy (Jun 10, 2009)

Hi all, this is the first forum I have ever joined, but since I have nobody else to talk to...here I am! I guess I am like lots of other women on this site. I have been married for almost 22 years and have one son. Over the last two years my husband has become someone I don't even know. He just sits in front of the computer playing games, never tells me he loves me, never really wants to do anything socially with other people and never wants sex anymore. I have approached him about this and just recently told him that I feel our marriage is really in trouble. We never fight or even raise our voices to each other, there is no abuse of any kind, drugs, alcohol etc... A few months ago we did go to counseling and pretty much, my husband said he's happy with the way he is for the first time in his life and doesn't plan on changing. I just can't figure ANY of this out...he has totally changed. He used to like to go out, have fun and most of all, cherished me--which I miss terribly. I have approached him about depression, but he refuses to even try medication due to "everything he has read". Does anyone have any thoughts?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Crushed,

Don't know what to tell you, but hang in there! If you read my earlier post, you'll see that I lived through the mid-life crisis from hell. It didn't end so well for me. Hope things turn out better for you. I definitely recommend individual counseling for you; that is where I ultimately found some peace.

Are you sure the husband is really going fishing with the brother? My stbx always told me he was going to watch his brother's band play at _____ night club. This went on every weekend. After hiring a PI, I found out he was no where near his brother. He was off partying alright, but it was with other women. And that's when he fell out of love with me.

Good luck to you!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Notsopeachy, grab his hand. DRAG him to the doctors! Something's wrong and he won't/can't what it is.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

Mark, I had a hard time logging in and thought my account was lost in limbo, needed to start new userame to get immediate help.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Veronica Jackson-

Mid life crises are real enough, but they are also code for something simple. It's like waking up one day and asking yourself where your life is going and, in the case of a married man, asking himself how compatible his spouse is.

The truth is that it is a period of questions rather than answers. When he comes out the other side, he may decide he married the wrong woman. On the other hand, if he takes too long and you decide to "drop him off", he may live to regret it.

So on the one hand, a religious person might say "in sickness and in health" etc. and that you should stand by him.

But on the other hand, as my old boss used to say, people only show their true colours when they're under pressure. I'm afraid to say that I believe he is right. Everybody has a dark side. That's OK, but it can be nasty if it temporarily gains full control.

I don't know if what I'm saying is helping. It may be that he will emerge from it feeling the same as he went in, or it could be that he will feel that he is a different man requiring a different wife. I suppose you will have to decide how much you can stand. Communicating with him, and being prepared to hear unpleasant things might be the best way forward.

Unless you plan to have a crisis all of your own, I would say it needn't be such a bad thing for you. You might end up in a much better situation either way if you can go with the flow:

You could end up "happily ever after" with him, if he re-chooses you.

OR

You could find yourself with a more compatible man.


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## Conflicted (Jun 24, 2009)

makeyourwifehot said:


> Here is the original story (without the MSNBC ads)
> HIS Midlife Crisis! | The Midlife Club


Oh no!!!! i think i am having a midlife crisis! :scratchhead:

Sheesh that article really hit the nail on the head on what has been happening to me.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sufficiently Breathless said:


> Sounds like more than a midlife crisis if he is saying he is no longer in love with you...
> 
> SB


I agree in that it does not sound like a mid life crisis...
but that he is saying he no longer is in love with you.


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