# Oh no.... now what?



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

*Oh no... now what?*

I was scanning our cell phone bills and it turns out there are alot (and I mean alot) of texts and calls from and to my husband and the same number. 

So I called it and it was a woman. I texted asking who it was and the person texted back saying who am I? I said who I was and the texting stopped immediately. 

F**&*-- after 23 years of marriage, really? Now what do I do? I honestly cannot believe he would do this... I really can't. But what else could it be, honestly?

I feel like throwing up.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

*Re: Oh no... now what?*

get your butt to the CWI forum, they will help


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

*Re: Oh no... now what?*

btw- I noticed you have lots of threads concerning your husband's behavior- do know that his cheating now makes more sense in regards to all of that. Cheaters vilify their spouse in order to feel justified to cheat (and likely most of your problems were NOT your fault)


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

was scanning our cell phone bills and it turns out there are alot (and I mean alot) of texts and calls from and to my husband and the same number. 

So I called it and it was a woman. I texted asking who it was and the person texted back saying who am I? I said who I was and the texting stopped immediately. 

F**&*-- after 23 years of marriage, really? Now what do I do? I honestly cannot believe he would do this... I really can't. But what else could it be, honestly?

I feel like throwing up.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

*Re: Oh no... now what?*



Almostrecovered said:


> btw- I noticed you have lots of threads concerning your husband's behavior- do know that his cheating now makes more sense in regards to all of that. Cheaters vilify their spouse in order to feel justified to cheat (and likely most of your problems were NOT your fault)


I really don't want this to be true... I really don't... I cannot face this... our family, our daughters... OMG.... how can I be sure it is true?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

step one-

start amassing evidence. If you confront now he will likely spin this to be just "friendship" and that you are being crazy (this is called gaslighting)


get a keylogger on the computer now
get his passwords to his email and facebook and start snooping
check the phone number at cidlookup.com and start gathering info on the OW
what kind of phone does he have as you can possibly retrieve texts?
also, buy a VAR and put it in his car so you can hear his secret calls that he makes (many Waywards make calls in the car)
GPS or phone spyware is recommended too


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

*Re: Oh no... now what?*



lisa3girls said:


> I really don't want this to be true... I really don't... I cannot face this... our family, our daughters... OMG.... how can I be sure it is true?


try to get calm
your emotional roller coaster will be your enemy right now and you will do things you shouldn't and without thinking. You need to listen to us in CWI and we can help you through this
go look at the advice I gave you on that thread there for starters, also click my welcome cwi newbie link


----------



## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Throw up... cry... scream.. punch a wall.. whatever you need to do to release that emotion.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I think I speak for us when I say that we are here to support you. Take a minute to calm down and gather information... then confront your H and see what he has to say. I guarantee she has already texted or called him and so he (or they) are already preparing the story... ask to see the text messages... if he has deleted them, but denies an affair ["she's just a friend"], you know he's lying.

Give him a chance to tell you the truth. Then you decide what you want to do from there.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sounds like an EA to me (similar to mine, except 30 years of marriage). I do hope I'm wrong.

You need to confront him right now and demand all of the facts. Be prepared to hear things you will not like. The texts likely had passionate statement exchanges. There might also be emails as well. Demand all logins and passwords for email FB, and anything else.

Read many of the posts here on boundaries and a no contact agreement. You came to the right place for help. But the final decision of action is always yours.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lisa, what kind of phone does he have?


----------



## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

You sort of tipped your hand already by contacting this other woman. What she probably did is contact your husband right after letting him know you sent her a text. I would look at online phone records to see if she did contact him after your text, and if he behaves differently next time you see him. If he had incriminating texts on his phone he might just delete them. But I would try to get his phone and read what they had been texting anyway in case they hadn't been deleted. Does he hide his phone from you or lock it with a password? 

Was your gut telling you something was wrong before you saw the calls on the phone records? Other red flags?

I would investigate more before confronting him, but he may already be aware since you contacted the other woman.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> step one-
> 
> start amassing evidence. If you confront now he will likely spin this to be just "friendship" and that you are being crazy (this is called gaslighting)
> 
> ...


I won't buy 'friendship'-- no way no how. I couldn't get anything from CID lookup. He has a cheap phone on my plan. I have no idea other than to take it from him to retrieve texts. I don't want to play games, if he is cheating he can leave... plain and simple.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

*Re: Oh no... now what?*

Well this is interesting. Sucks big time, but it does explain things a bit better doesn't it? He's not a jerk for NO REASON whatsoever, he's a jerk because you don't measure up to his 'ideal'. Good thing you found this out.

Have you contacted him yet over this?


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

StrangerThanFiction said:


> You sort of tipped your hand already by contacting this other woman. What she probably did is contact your husband right after letting him know you sent her a text. I would look at online phone records to see if she did contact him after your text, and if he behaves differently next time you see him. If he had incriminating texts on his phone he might just delete them. But I would try to get his phone and read what they had been texting anyway in case they hadn't been deleted. Does he hide his phone from you or lock it with a password?
> 
> Was your gut telling you something was wrong before you saw the calls on the phone records? Other red flags?
> 
> I would investigate more before confronting him, but he may already be aware since you contacted the other woman.



I dont' want to play games. If he is cheating, I just want it over. I was really hoping I was wrong and there was some logical explanation for it. What purpose will it serve to drag it out and catch him?


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

He will most likely gaslight you so see it for what it is. Don't let him make you feel like you are crazy or that it is anything but.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I won't buy 'friendship'-- no way no how. I couldn't get anything from CID lookup. He has a cheap phone on my plan. I have no idea other than to take it from him to retrieve texts. I don't want to play games, if he is cheating he can leave... plain and simple.


if it is a cheap phone then it likely has a sim card

look for a sim card reader

they cost maybe $20-30 and you take the sim card out of the phone and insert it into the reader, it hooks up to your computer which will give you the stored info. The way deleted texts works is like this- when a text is deleted, it stays in the memory of the sim card UNTIL it is written over. So IOW you can read most of the deleted texts


----------



## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I dont' want to play games. If he is cheating, I just want it over. I was really hoping I was wrong and there was some logical explanation for it. What purpose will it serve to drag it out and catch him?


If you confront him without any more evidence than what you have now, I think he will tell you "we are just friends" and begin deleting any damning evidence.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

*Re: Oh no... now what?*

So sorry that this is happening. You've been working so hard to improve the marriage, so I hope there can be a better explanation.


----------



## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

How is he reacting. Dollars to donuts she already told him. If he didnt mention it, you got a very serious problem and he should be confronted folloiwng the advice above


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> lisa, what kind of phone does he have?


Some cheap Pantech


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

btw the fact that cidlookup didnt come back with an answer makes it possible that it is a "burner" phone (cheap phone with prepaid plan) and that OW is married as a result


----------



## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I won't buy 'friendship'-- no way no how.





lisa3girls said:


> I don't want to play games, if he is cheating he can leave... plain and simple.


You've already made your decision...


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

StrangerThanFiction said:


> If you confront him without any more evidence than what you have now, I think he will tell you "we are just friends" and begin deleting any damning evidence.


I won't believe him anyway. Who has a 'friend' their spouse never heard of... that is crap


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Are you willing to toss 23 years away? Is he? Some couples can recover if they both want to recover. Get the facts as several suggested above. If you are going to divorce, you may need it.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Are you willing to toss 23 years away? Is he? Some couples can recover if they both want to recover. Get the facts as several suggested above. If you are going to divorce, you may need it.


How could I ever trust him again... he is playing me for a fool... I support all of us while he is out f--ing someone else?? How much worse can it get?


----------



## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I won't believe him anyway. Who has a 'friend' their spouse never heard of... that is crap


I agree completely. 

If you're prepared to divorce him based on the phone records then why ask "now what"?


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Are you willing to toss 23 years away? Is he? Some couples can recover if they both want to recover. Get the facts as several suggested above. If you are going to divorce, you may need it.


Its still early in the process, but I think its important to note that HE threw it away, not her.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lisa, try to rein in the anger a touch
usually we have to tell betrayed spouses to get angry but you're already steaming

it is very important to gather as much info as you can

you need the facts to make a more informed decision


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

StrangerThanFiction said:


> I agree completely.
> 
> If you're prepared to divorce him based on the phone records then why ask "now what"?


I guess I am hoping he will at least give me the dignity after all this time of being honest and not try to pretend it isn't true. I guess I am hoping I don't need to try and 'catch' him anymore.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> lisa, try to rein in the anger a touch
> usually we have to tell betrayed spouses to get angry but you're already steaming
> 
> it is very important to gather as much info as you can
> ...


Why? What kind of facts? This persons phone is all over our bill, from this month and last month at least. I haven't looked back farther yet. Either he has a reasonable explanation of who this is or he doesn't.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

*Re: Oh no... now what?*

Lisa, remember a few weeks back I mentioned to you that my grandpa acted the way your husband does? and that my grandma had to cope by just ignoring him, leaving him home when she wanted to do things, basically have a social life despite how he treated her? Well, I didn't mention that he also was found to be having an affair. Full blown. He treated my grandma and his family poorly because the affair took all his attention... and money. He would get paid on Friday and be broke by Monday.

My grandfather mistreated my grandmother up to his death. She still talks about how he was never satisfied with her, never was nice to her even when he got sick. She took care of him anyway because that was the type of woman she was, but she was also much older than you are. 

If you find your husbands answers unsatisfactory, you have no reason to feel bad for wanting to end it. He's been a bully to you and your girls for years. It's time it stops... one way or another.


----------



## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I guess I am hoping he will at least give me the dignity after all this time of being honest and not try to pretend it isn't true. I guess I am hoping I don't need to try and 'catch' him anymore.


That's true, if he respects you enough he would tell you the whole truth when you confront him, it just doesn't seem to happen very often.


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I guess I am hoping he will at least give me the dignity after all this time of being honest and not try to pretend it isn't true. I guess I am hoping I don't need to try and 'catch' him anymore.


Odds are this is not going to happen. He didn't give you the dignity of having a fair and honest marriage before. Why would he now? When you press him he will most likely lie, they pretty much all do.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> step one-
> 
> If you confront now he will likely spin this to be just "friendship" and that you are being crazy (this is called gaslighting)
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Exactly.

Do not engage him. Do not listen, or take anything that is being said to you as the truth. If you listen, you are listening for one reason. To disarm him or keep his guard as low as possible while you do the secong thing AR mentioned... ie; "Ok, it was a misunderstanding, I believe you" "I love you too"

Start gathering evidence, quietly. As hard as it will be, do not confront him with the first few morsels of evidence that you find. Hold your emotions in check, gather as much as you can.


----------



## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Duplicate threads merged, please only post in one section, thanks.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

*Re: Oh no... now what?*

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have my heartfelt wishes, thoughts, and prayers.

You are a strong woman, lisa3girls. You will make it through this - whatever the outcome may be. Tell yourself that everyday.

Go over to the Coping with Infidelity forum. They seem to have it down to a science (or is it an art?) about the steps you should take and things you may face. They can help support you during the journey.

God Bless.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It can get much worse if it went physical. If he really is playing you for the fool in many areas of your life, you might be making the right decision. Be sure of what you want. Couples can recover, but you have to slap him with the reality of divorce being on the table.

I lost my trust when I had my EA. It was a dumb decision on my part, and solely my fault. Now I have to spend the rest of my life to prove my commitment to never do it again. The complete trust will never be back, and I know it.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Why? What kind of facts? This persons phone is all over our bill, from this month and last month at least. I haven't looked back farther yet. Either he has a reasonable explanation of who this is or he doesn't.


well for starters you may not care now, but down the line you will wonder if it was physical or just emotional, you likely want to know more details (as far as how long, etc- this sort of stuff will absolve a lot of your guilt or role in the marriage)

also, I dont know what state you live in but some states have at fault clauses and if you can proof adultery then you get more money, etc


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I guess I need a lawyer. He just admitted it. OMG, OMG OMG OMG


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I guess I need a lawyer. He just admitted it. OMG, OMG OMG OMG


I'm so sorry!!


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well that was quick, I still get surprised


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Im so sorry Lisa

take him to the cleaners if possible


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I guess I need a lawyer. He just admitted it. OMG, OMG OMG OMG


Really? Well that was easy. Free him from his 'horrible' life. Unbelievable.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you should still get the VAR tho, start protecting yourself and recording what he says to you, it can get ugly


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My hubby also admitted it when I confronted him. I was also FURIOUS with him. I kicked his ass out that very day. A year and a half later we are reconciling and doing really well.

Do *not* make any decisions right now. Your emotions are in charge and it isn't a good time. Give yourself at least a couple of months. Go see a counselor. Get yourself STD tested. Get him out of your face and do things for you (I cleaned my bedroom from top to bottom and rearranged everything - it was very cathartic)

Rant at him. Let him know what a scumbag he is. Write him nasty letters. Make him buy you stuff (I got a new computer and a plane ticket for a girls weekend).


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm sorry. 

Keep talking. You both need to. Get the all of the facts. 

It's still early to think about this, but if you are willing to give him a chance, he has lots to do.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

do however get the OW's info and expose her to her husband if it applies- he has a right to know


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I guess I need a lawyer. He just admitted it. OMG, OMG OMG OMG


I'm so sorry.

Do you have any trusted friends/family close by that you can talk to right now? Someone close that can help support you?

Did he admit to EA or PA? Make a doctor's appointment too to get checked for STDs. I know that sounds awful to contemplate, but you have 3 girls, you are the primary breadwinner in your family, do what you must to protect yourself and your girls.

I'll be praying for you.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I should also point out that like you I was all set to get a D, somehow I found it in me to R, you can read my story if youd like (when youre ready) but it really depends on your husband's willingness to do the right things and if that's the case we can point that out to you


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> My hubby also admitted it when I confronted him. I was also FURIOUS with him. I kicked his ass out that very day. A year and a half later we are reconciling and doing really well.
> 
> Do *not* make any decisions right now. Your emotions are in charge and it isn't a good time. Give yourself at least a couple of months. Go see a counselor. Get yourself STD tested. Get him out of your face and do things for you (I cleaned my bedroom from top to bottom and rearranged everything - it was very cathartic)
> 
> Rant at him. Let him know what a scumbag he is. Write him nasty letters. Make him buy you stuff (I got a new computer and a plane ticket for a girls weekend).


I cannot imagine how right now. I just cannot.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I'm so sorry.
> 
> Do you have any trusted friends/family close by that you can talk to right now? Someone close that can help support you?
> 
> ...


He didn't really say... he just said he guesses he is moving out. OMG, what about my daughters.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I cannot imagine how right now. I just cannot.



and that's fine - we all have our own tolerences


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Even if he only admitted to an EA I would still get tested. Guaranteed there'll be more to come out - trickle truth is the norm, not the exception.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know exactly how you feel


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Scumbag.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I couldn't either. The sight of him made my skin crawl. I wanted to hit him and hit him and just keep on hitting him. The sound of his voice made me want to stick a fork down his throat. 

Right now you just need to take care of YOU. Your kids will be fine - really they will. You don't need to make any decisions about them today. Just breathe.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Did he say why he's moving out? Is it because he expects to be kicked to the curb?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

to reiterate the things you need to do now-

1) get a lawyer
2) make a doctor's appointment for std testing and to consider antianxiety meds or antidepressants, this will be one of the most stressful times of your life and there is no shame in doing as such
3) get OW's info and expose the affair to her husband


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> He didn't really say... he just said he guesses he is moving out. OMG, *what about my daughters*.


Okay. They are why you need to try and keep your head together.

I know you are shell-shocked. Anyone would be. It is going to be a roller-coaster of emotions.

Are you at work right now? Can you get away for a little bit - go out and take a walk. Try to clear your head for a bit so you can decide what to do next (and Almostrecovered's list is a good place to start.)

God Bless.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

taking a few personal days off from work would be a good idea, just tell the boss your situation, you'd be surprised how understanding most employers are with this


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I would add get some IC to that list as well. I never felt the need for a lawyer right away although if you think things could get messy with him then that is a good idea. 

How old are your girls?


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> He didn't really say... he just said he guesses he is moving out. OMG, what about my daughters.


Lisa,

For those of us who are further away from what is happening to you than you are, we see that you are stronger than maybe you realize right now. Your daughters were one of the first thing I thought about, but think about it: you are the one who encouraged them to succeed so far. You did this virtually alone, and look how they've done so far? You will still be the positive force behind them.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> He didn't really say... he just said he guesses he is moving out. OMG, what about my daughters.


You guys are all going to hurt for a while. The girls will be okay. Believe me they will. By the way he's been treating everyone, they will probably take the news of his moving out very well. I would have HIM explain to them why he's leaving though. This is his doing.


----------



## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Not to sound calleous, but I've seen some of your other posts on other threads and it sounded like your weren't really having sex or intimacy with him anymore...... he probably figured you checked out of the marriage awhile ago and started getting the missing components from someone else. That's the danger of not providing the the core necessities to hold a relationship together, someone else always will.


----------



## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

I should point out I don't mean to advocate or excuse what he did cause I certainly do not - but it is a basis of how these things start. And why he immediately says "I guess I'll move out". He knows if you weren't putting effort into the relationship before this, and seemed uninterested, then you certainly aren't going to now.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

eagleclaw said:


> Not to sound calleous, but I've seen some of your other posts on other threads and it sounded like your weren't really having sex or intimacy with him anymore...... he probably figured you checked out of the marriage awhile ago and started getting the missing components from someone else. That's the danger of not providing the the core necessities to hold a relationship together, someone else always will.


this is BS


let me make something very clear


There is NO excuse for cheating

NONE


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

eagleclaw said:


> Not to sound calleous, but I've seen some of your other posts on other threads and it sounded like your weren't really having sex or intimacy with him anymore...... he probably figured you checked out of the marriage awhile ago and started getting the missing components from someone else. That's the danger of not providing the the core necessities to hold a relationship together, someone else always will.


This is SO not true. And totally not helpful at ALL.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

eagleclaw said:


> Not to sound calleous, but I've seen some of your other posts on other threads and it sounded like your weren't really having sex or intimacy with him anymore...... he probably figured you checked out of the marriage awhile ago and started getting the missing components from someone else. That's the danger of not providing the the core necessities to hold a relationship together, someone else always will.


No - I don't agree and think this is a counter-productive and callous post.

It was HIS decision to step out on the marriage regardless. It was also his decision to not try and work on the marriage much all these many months. So, flip it around and lisa3girls has been trying for months to work on the marriage and herself while he has made no attempt to even try and meet any of HER needs.

They both had an equal responsibility in the marriage.

But, HE is 100% responsible for choosing to have an affair.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

eagleclaw said:


> Not to sound calleous, but I've seen some of your other posts on other threads and it sounded like your weren't really having sex or intimacy with him anymore...... he probably figured you checked out of the marriage awhile ago and started getting the missing components from someone else. That's the danger of not providing the the core necessities to hold a relationship together, someone else always will.


Well I wouldn't want to have sex with a jerk either. He nagged and nitpicked his way out of sex with his wife. And now he's been discovered to be having an affair, it makes sense why he was always such a **** to his family. He has wanted out a long time and didn't have the gonads to come right out and say so. This isn't about her, it's all about HIM and his *******ry.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Well I wouldn't want to have sex with a jerk either. He nagged and nitpicked his way out of sex with his wife. And now he's been discovered to be having an affair, it makes sense why he was always such a **** to his family. He has wanted out a long time and didn't have the gonads to come right out and say so. This isn't about her, it's all about HIM and his *******ry.



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

eagleclaw said:


> And why he immediately says "I guess I'll move out". He knows if you weren't putting effort into the relationship before this, and seemed uninterested, then you certainly aren't going to now.


Your speculations are irresponsible and inflammatory. 

She has no responsibilty for her husbands choice to betray her and her children!!!!

What the fu*ks wrong with you?.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Lisa, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. 
I don't know what to say. Other than maybe a blessing in disguise in the very looong run. 
Keep in mind his inheritance that he likes to keep nice in tact for his 'nest egg'. Keep your wits about you and take care of you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

I did actually point out that it WAS NOT AN EXCUSE, and I DID NOT SUPPORT his actions. They were his, and his alone. But often when this happens there are other contributing factors. Putting your head in the sand and saying it was all 100% someones fault doesn't do anyone any justice, nor does it address any underlying problems or identify a starting point for rectifying problems - it is however very easy to simply demonize one person and free the other one.

However, I may have posted in haste. Although I have seen "a few" previous posts on other threads I have not followed her complete story - and if I missed a whole lot of other backstory that paints an entirely different story than I apologize for speaking without first properly informing myself.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There is NEVER an 'excuse' or a 'reason' for someone to cheat on their spouse. And when you've just found out, to have someone say that any part of it can in any way be attributed to your actions cuts like a knife. It doesn't matter WHAT the backstory is - I have no idea what the backstory is either.


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Just as an interesting point, from my situation.
For several YEARS, yes, YEARS, my exwife would never initiate intimacy. When I did, it was a gamble, as to what problem would prevent it this time...
Many "reasons" were very similar;
--not feeling well
--starting to cramp during PMS
--not feeling well
--stressful day, and p!ssed off
etc. etc. etc.
All it led to was years going by with nothing.
Yet,,,, she would attend and purchase "toys" and what not from several "modern day tupperware parties" which were for couples, that seemed to at least indicate an interest in the area.
But again, I would hear requests for "patience" and "understanding", which all led to just more time down the drain.

Imagine my shock, when she became involved with a highschool sweetheart and kept it hidden for three months before I found the cell phone bills and calls and texts hundreds of times back and forth.

All that "patience" and "understanding" as a loving husband, who btw, was most able and capable of performing well in the bedroom, lest some of you think I wasnt....
it all turned out to be a bunch of bullsh!t really.
This situation was a woman that refused intimacy in her marriage, and then went out and had a ball outside of it.

Oh well.. I guess my point is even when a person has it good at home, in their marriage, and dont suffer the refusal of intimacy, they can still go out and act like a cheating ho-bag.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Just as an interesting point, from my situation.
> For several YEARS, yes, YEARS, my exwife would never initiate intimacy. When I did, it was a gamble, as to what problem would prevent it this time...
> Many "reasons" were very similar;
> --not feeling well
> ...


:smthumbup: yup!

It happened to me, so I know all about it.


----------



## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

And I mentioned that! There are cases where people cheat for no damn good reason, and there are also cases where an environement has been created that makes it a lot more likely.





eagleclaw said:


> I should point out I don't mean to advocate or excuse what he did cause I certainly do not - but it is a basis of how these things start. And why he immediately says "I guess I'll move out". He knows if you weren't putting effort into the relationship before this, and seemed uninterested, then you certainly aren't going to now.


The following was the quote I was referring to, however in finding it again I saw many other posts from this poster and it would appear that she had been trying for some time prior to this and he had been an ass. I think my synopsis was very premature and *I offer my apologies to the original poster.*



> Are you sure you aren't talking about my husband? That is exactly the kind of stupid thing he'd say... oh the drama, I said no a couple times at 5 am and suddenly we "NEVER" have sex anymore.
> 
> I tried to compromise, and my husband acted childish and copped an attitude, and now, we really do almost NEVER have sex. I hope you have better luck!


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I got to a point with the continued, and then greatly presumptive knowledge that I would be denied, that I gave up asking. I told myself no matter what, shes going to have to approach me, because my self confidence by that time was a squashed piece of gum on the road. Screw "ego", imagine hearing others say that I had little self-esteem, after all that time. Well no sh!t.. 
Then again, I was required, both from within my own sense of honor and the commitment to my marriage, to turn down the interest of very beautiful women that would approach me.
All so I could go home, and sleep next to the wall of pillows between the frigid ex and I.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That's nice, eagleclaw - I for one thank you.

OP, I hope you're all right. Update us when you can. ((hugs))


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I would add get some IC to that list as well. I never felt the need for a lawyer right away although if you think things could get messy with him then that is a good idea.
> 
> How old are your girls?


I just called my daughter's counselor for a referral and advice... they are 17, 12 and 11 and they are going to be devestated. OMG


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

eagleclaw said:


> Not to sound calleous, but I've seen some of your other posts on other threads and it sounded like your weren't really having sex or intimacy with him anymore...... he probably figured you checked out of the marriage awhile ago and started getting the missing components from someone else. That's the danger of not providing the the core necessities to hold a relationship together, someone else always will.


No he did, I kept trying and he kept pushing me away... I got really suspicious after a while.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I just called my daughter's counselor for a referral and advice... they are 17, 12 and 11 and they are going to be devestated. OMG


I think you're going to be very surprised at their response to all of this. Just sayin.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


This is exactly how I feel and exactly what I told him... of course he tried to say I made him feel bad about himself blah blah blah... such BS.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It IS BS and I'm glad you know it for what it is. He's an ass. Pure and simple.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

eagleclaw said:


> And I mentioned that! There are cases where people cheat for no damn good reason, and there are also cases where an environement has been created that makes it a lot more likely.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Oh I think it is because he knows me well enough to know I am not putting up with this kind of crap. I told him I'd consider trying to go to counseling because we owe our marriage and our children that much but that he had 24 hours to decide and that the girl goes.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I just called my daughter's counselor for a referral and advice... they are 17, 12 and 11 and they are going to be devestated. OMG


well you've already demonstrated how strong you are to me in less than 3 posts so I have an inkling that your daughters will feel safe and secure in your care


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> It IS BS and I'm glad you know it for what it is. He's an ass. Pure and simple.


I told him I know things haven't been fantastic but that sticking letting someone else in your pants never fixed it. I feel so betrayed.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Oh I think it is because he knows me well enough to know I am not putting up with this kind of crap. I told him I'd consider trying to go to counseling because we owe our marriage and our children that much but that he had 24 hours to decide and that the girl goes.



if he takes the MC path


you set down these rules:


1) No Contact with OW, no closure, no nothin', if she contacts him he must ignore it and tell you about it right away. Have him write a NC letter (we have one here as an example) and send it by certified mail to the OW.
2) He must be completely transparent- all passwords freely given, allow you access to his phone, etc. At the same time you should verify thru spying methods.
3) He must show true remorse. He must do the heavy lifting and take 100% of the blame of the affair. He must always answer all of your questions, repeatedly if necessary, and never protect the OW.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I told him I know things haven't been fantastic but that sticking letting someone else in your pants never fixed it. I feel so betrayed.


I'm sure you do. Being the perverbial 'last to know' is infuriating too. All the time you spent thinking you needed to fix something within yourself to please him seems so much of a waste now. It wasn't you at all, and now you have confirmation that it wasn't.

He's morally bankrupt. To put you and those girls through that torture day and night says so much about who he really is. A selfish bastard of a man. I'm not sure I would want a reconcilation of any kind with him. He's not worthy.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

I wish you all the best. You seem strong! I'm sure this is very difficult! My thoughts are with you.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You're doing great. You sound strong - you ARE strong. Your girls are going to be fine because you are going to be fine. Like you said, you don't need him!!

Almostrecovered posted a good list of things to start with if you do the MC route. If you do that, make sure you have a counselor who knows what you need - do not let them tell you to 'get over it' or any of that BS.

My daughter was 16 when I kicked my husband out and all she needed to know was if I was all right. As long as she knew I was doing what *I* wanted to do, as hard as it was, she was ok.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

It is in your nature as a mother to worry but try not to worry about your little ones. They are YOUR daughters. And if your strength is anything like it seems to be, you've taught them well. And they will get through this difficult ordeal just fine.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Well he was apparently so discreet (NOT), that my 17 year old figured out what happened...she just came to my room to tell me she knew and she suspected but didn't think it was her place to say anything, and of course it wasn't.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That's horrible that he let her find out. I am so mad on your behalf


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Hang in there. You appear to have strong kids.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> Well he was apparently so discreet (NOT), that my 17 year old figured out what happened...she just came to my room to tell me she knew and she suspected but didn't think it was her place to say anything, and of course it wasn't.


What's her demeanor? Mad at her dad? Scared? Confused? Upset with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> What's her demeanor? Mad at her dad? Scared? Confused? Upset with you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She seems ok, she seems sorry for me, she seems sorry she couldn't tell me.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> She seems ok, she seems sorry for me, she seems sorry she couldn't tell me.


I read your other post. Why not tell H you're stunned, upset, hurt beyond belief and you're reacting. Tell him you need some thinking time and take a few days. A decision doesn't need to be made today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> I read your other post. Why not tell H you're stunned, upset, hurt beyond belief and you're reacting. Tell him you need some thinking time and take a few days. A decision doesn't need to be made today.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am honestly scared he is going to take me to the cleaners on alimony. He hasn't worked in years... and it isn't fair. If we were working together and things just weren't going to improve I wouldn't behoove it to him, but damn, he just up and ****ed someone else.... this changes my attitude you know?


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> I am honestly scared he is going to take me to the cleaners on alimony. He hasn't worked in years... and it isn't fair. If we were working together and things just weren't going to improve I wouldn't behoove it to him, but damn, he just up and ****ed someone else.... this changes my attitude you know?


I know. Does he have inheritance yet? The one he was 'saving' for his retirement?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I am honestly scared he is going to take me to the cleaners on alimony. He hasn't worked in years... and it isn't fair. If we were working together and things just weren't going to improve I wouldn't behoove it to him, but damn, he just up and ****ed someone else.... this changes my attitude you know?



alimony and child support and at fault divorces are dependent on state laws, try googling "(your state) family laws" to see what applies to your situation

when are you seeing your lawyer?


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I am honestly scared he is going to take me to the cleaners on alimony. He hasn't worked in years... and it isn't fair. If we were working together and things just weren't going to improve I wouldn't behoove it to him, but damn, he just up and ****ed someone else.... this changes my attitude you know?


In addition to the internet, there are usually relatively inexpensive books on divorce in each state, usually written by lawyers with plenty of experience. You can get these pretty quickly on internet book sellers. When my wife and I were considering divorce, the book I got cleared up many false assumptions that I made. For instance, in my state, if you are the primary breadwinner, and you have primary custody of the children, the spouse is lucky to get anything. My case was very different because money wouldn't be an issue between us, due to her own financial security.

Try to appeal to his sense of what is best for your daughters. If you never had the resouces to make their college financial planning a priority, make it a big deal now with the lawyer. Talk about monthly goals for saving for their education, and your huge fear that their father will not be able to help them like you will. Remember that your children are the priority in the eyes of many judges. Your husband is not in an enviable position now, due to his infidelity, and your current housing situation for your children.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> I know. Does he have inheritance yet? The one he was 'saving' for his retirement?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, he has it and he also has 1/4 interest in his mother's house which as a lakefront property is probably significant.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> alimony and child support and at fault divorces are dependent on state laws, try googling "(your state) family laws" to see what applies to your situation
> 
> when are you seeing your lawyer?


I am going to try and contact one today. My head is reeling.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lisa--I just read your thread.

Who is the OW? Is she married/partnered? If so, yoU MUST out her to her partner immediately. 

As for your husband, since he admitted and wants out I would tell him he can GTFO. He's not welcome in your home as long as he's betraying you and carrying on with some wh*re. Make that crystal clear. Do not be nice to him. Do not reward his bad behavior. 

Go see a lawyer and discuss your options.

Tough love is the only way to approach this. DO NOT CHASE AFTER SOMEONE who is running away from you!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you beg him to stay and cry for him, he will see you as a weak woman. Show him you are NOT and you don't need this bullsh*t in your life.

And do NOT text her again. She is a ****roach and not worth the dirty on the street. 

DO expose her cheating if she is married/and to her family.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Lisa--I just read your thread.
> 
> Who is the OW? Is she married/partnered? If so, yoU MUST out her to her partner immediately.
> 
> ...


He says she is not married. I already called a lawyer and am waiting to hear back. So far, he hasn't touched the money-- I looked. I see a counselor today, and maybe my family doctor. I am crushed.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Can you find out who she is in facebook or something to confirm whether she is partnered or not? Do you have any idea who she is?

Re: the money...protect it. Because it's very possible he could clear you out, take the money, and run. Esp. since you've been the breadwinner. You need to protect yourself at all costs now. 

Now is the time to take a hard stance. And I'd keep the affair letters you found as evidence.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Move all the money's to an account under your control. Don't fret about what he is saying he is in the fog , take hard action. What will the OW fear most ? Exposure . Track her address, her family , her friends , her co-workers down. This affair is only flourishing because the OW thinks she is safe , once you have their details post an update and we will provinde an exposure letter. 

Inaction on your part helps the affair , it will continue to flourish is you do not take steps to rattle their affair world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I've always felt that contacting the OW makes you (as a wife) seem weak. Like SHE'S got one up on you. She's nothing. Nothing but a pest... the teetsie fly in your marriage. I know you want to know things about her, but really she's irrelevant.

Cards, texts, the kids know... it's about as bad as it gets right now. One consolation you should have Lisa is now you know without a doubt that this is his doing. His funky*ss attitude and everything he found wrong with you and the girls had nothing to do with any of you. 

Take the anger you have and use it to get you out of this. Take care of your girls and yourself. Spend time together and show them that their mother can weather ANY storm. You've been doing it all along, just keep it going. You'll want to cry, have a breakdown, the whole nine... I've been there too. I wouldn't do it in front of my kids. They needed to see me stand strong, take care of them and handle my business. I cried myself to sleep many nights, but it propelled me to do what I needed to do the next day. Soon the days became weeks, which became months... and we all were okay.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Can you find out who she is in facebook or something to confirm whether she is partnered or not? Do you have any idea who she is?
> 
> Re: the money...protect it. Because it's very possible he could clear you out, take the money, and run. Esp. since you've been the breadwinner. You need to protect yourself at all costs now.
> 
> Now is the time to take a hard stance. And I'd keep the affair letters you found as evidence.


I have no idea and so far he won't tell me who she is. I talked to a lawyer today-- I do think I will open a new account.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Move all the money's to an account under your control. Don't fret about what he is saying he is in the fog , take hard action. What will the OW fear most ? Exposure . Track her address, her family , her friends , her co-workers down. This affair is only flourishing because the OW thinks she is safe , once you have their details post an update and we will provinde an exposure letter.
> 
> Inaction on your part helps the affair , it will continue to flourish is you do not take steps to rattle their affair world.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know how to find out. All I have is a phone number.


----------



## UnwarrantedParanoia (Sep 1, 2011)

Try putting her number on the following sites:

tnid.org

spokeo.com (hit the phone number tab first)

spokeo is creepy, it even has a picture of my house when I put my WH name. Spokeo.com did not help me when I entered her number, but once I had her name, spokeo.com gave me her husband's name and her address.

It doesn't always work, nothing comes up when I enter my name and number.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am not convinced that tracking down the OW is always the best course of action. I never had that problem since my husband interacted with escorts and prostitutes though, so I don't have first hand experience. Just thinking back, though, to my mindset those first few days, I had enough to worry about and be angry about without having to also worry about who exactly he was screwing and 'outing' them if they were partnered. I guess if it's something you need to do right away then by all means, but if it isn't I would wait and take care of yourself and your girls first.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I am not convinced that tracking down the OW is always the best course of action. I never had that problem since my husband interacted with escorts and prostitutes though, so I don't have first hand experience. Just thinking back, though, to my mindset those first few days, I had enough to worry about and be angry about without having to also worry about who exactly he was screwing and 'outing' them if they were partnered. I guess if it's something you need to do right away then by all means, but if it isn't I would wait and take care of yourself and your girls first.


getting info on the OW is good to do
confronting the OW herself is not
exposing the affair is good to do


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

UnwarrantedParanoia said:


> *Try putting her number on the following sites:*tnid.org
> 
> spokeo.com (hit the phone number tab first)
> 
> ...



I'm sorry but I need to ask. What good could come from any of this? The time you spend trying to be I-Spy can be spent getting more important things done. SHE isn't important.


----------



## UnwarrantedParanoia (Sep 1, 2011)

Correction, spokeo.com did give me her name when I entered her phone number, but I already knew her name when I found that site.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I'm sorry but I need to ask. What good could come from any of this? The time you spend trying to be I-Spy can be spent getting more important things done. SHE isn't important.


information is power

she knows little of this affair so far

how long?
who with?
how often?
is OW married?
does he work with OW?
were they planning on divorcing and marrying?

I could go on but my point is that not knowing details prohibits any R as you need verification to believe the WS and in D you need ammo for proof in some states and if not then knowing all the facts helps with exposure to family and such for damage control. Plus we are creatures who need to know things, ask JellyBeans, to this day she doesn't know her ex's OW's name, bet it bugs the crap outta her.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I'm sorry but I need to ask. What good could come from any of this? The time you spend trying to be I-Spy can be spent getting more important things done. SHE isn't important.


Yeah, this is pretty much how I feel too. Sure, information is power, but when your whole world has just been blown to bits and you don't know how you're going to feed your kids next week, (as an example, not saying that's the case here) seems to me your energy could be better spent elsewhere.

Eventually you'll probably want that info to facilitate your own healing, but it isn't urgent right at the beginning.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> information is power
> 
> she knows little of this affair so far
> 
> ...


Information IS power, but this type of info IMO is completely irrelevant. All she needs to know is that her husband has had an ongoing affair. That's plenty. Who she is, what their plans were, if she's married etc. isn't important. SHE isn't important. The state of their marriage right now IS important.

To focus so much attention on the other woman is unhealthy. The focus should be on HIM and the fact that he allowed this to happen to them. Reconciling at this point isn't something she should be focused on either, damage control IS. The facts in front of her are clear... he's been having an affair, and he's been abusive to them as a family for a long while. That's all she needs to know right now.

When I found out about my ex-husband affairs I could care less about who those beotches were. My focus was solely on him and his dooshebaggery and how to repair the damage he did to our family as a whole, where it should have been.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think if she can do digging and if this chick is married, then DEF out her to her husband/partner. Affair should be exposed so the other party knows.


----------



## UnwarrantedParanoia (Sep 1, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I'm sorry but I need to ask. What good could come from any of this? The time you spend trying to be I-Spy can be spent getting more important things done. SHE isn't important.


You know what? I actually agree with you. But at that moment it was just something I had to do. I was going pretty crazy, and I needed to verify what he had told me. Did I ever contact her? No. Did I want to? No. But I was really close to contacting her husband. After I found out, I ask WH to stop contacting her and not answer any of her texts. He actually sent her one more text & did not tell me. I saw it on the online bill usage details & I went ballistic, I was ready to call her husband until I looked at his phone and realized it was a do not call or text me again msg. She replied, "ok, sorry to have bothered you" and she is in the past now (I hope! TRUST BUT VERIFY.)


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I think if she can do digging and if this chick is married, then DEF out her to her husband/partner. Affair should be exposed so the other party knows.


I'm a huge believer in karma. If I'm feeling magnanimous and have all my own ducks in a row and aren't riding the emotional high any more, then maybe I'll be ready to turn my attention to the OW and figure out who she is and whether she's married and has kids and how to contact her husband. But that's gonna be down there on my list of priorities, and by the time I get there hopefully her world will already have crashed down around her.

Besides, how many husbands are gonna believe some whacked out cheated-on weirdo who shows up out of the blue and accuses their wife of screwing around? Sure some will, some will have already suspected, but many are going to bury their heads in the sand and ignore all the evidence in the world.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

In my experiences, everything I needed to know came out eventually anyway in it's own time. I was ready to handle the information then. One thing at a time worked out great for me. I was able to make a calm and informed decision when it counted.

Curiosity is a funny thing. It can become a pandora's box of sorts if you keep picking. You don't want to be doing that when you aren't emotionally prepared to deal with what you find. It can really send you over the edge when you should have your wits about you. Other people are depending on you to have your wits about you and you owe it to them to keep it together.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Information IS power, but this type of info IMO is completely irrelevant.


Really?
If the OW is married or in a relationship knowing that fact can be the key to tearing her husband away from her.

There may be other things about this OW that could be used to Lisas advantage but she won`t know until she has the knowledge.

If my wife were cheating you can bet I`d have the OM`s entire life history at my disposal.

Knowledge is always power, it`s never irrelevant especially in this situation.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> *I'm a huge believer in karma.* If I'm feeling magnanimous and have all my own ducks in a row and aren't riding the emotional high any more, then maybe I'll be ready to turn my attention to the OW and figure out who she is and whether she's married and has kids and how to contact her husband. But that's gonna be down there on my list of priorities, and by the time I get there hopefully her world will already have crashed down around her.
> 
> Besides, how many husbands are gonna believe some whacked out cheated-on weirdo who shows up out of the blue and accuses their wife of screwing around? Sure some will, some will have already suspected, but many are going to bury their heads in the sand and ignore all the evidence in the world.


:smthumbup::iagree:


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Really?
> *If the OW is married or in a relationship knowing that fact can be the key to tearing her husband away from her.*There may be other things about this OW that could be used to Lisas advantage but she won`t know until she has the knowledge.
> 
> If my wife were cheating you can bet I`d have the OM`s entire life history at my disposal.
> ...



Yeah because THAT'S a healthy focus to have. Do unto others?? I don't follow that mantra. It has a tendency to backfire. Karma is funny that way... it works on it's own without any push or help from us.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Yeah because THAT'S a healthy focus to have. Do unto others?? I don't follow that mantra. It has a tendency to backfire. Karma is funny that way... it works on it's own without any push or help from us.


Ahhh..you rely on the karma fairy.

I try to take care of myself, I usually find a better outcome that way.

Joking aside, I don`t see how knowledge of the OW can be anything but a positive.

To be willfully ignorant of such a core property of the problem isn`t going to help solve the problem.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh I totally nelieve the betrayed spouse has a right to know. As of now, we don't know if chick is married.

I do believe that everything done in the dark eventually comes to light. 

Re: Karma... generally shows up at it's own pace, when nobody is expecting it...

I believe in karma nd I don't. Though --what goes around almost always comes around.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Yeah, this is pretty much how I feel too. Sure, information is power, but when your whole world has just been blown to bits and you don't know how you're going to feed your kids next week, (as an example, not saying that's the case here) seems to me your energy could be better spent elsewhere.
> 
> Eventually you'll probably want that info to facilitate your own healing, but it isn't urgent right at the beginning.


no offense but you react differently than most (and that's fine, whatever works for you is all good), I contend it is an important thing to do for the majority of BS's for the reasons outlined


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Ahhh..you rely on the karma fairy.
> 
> I try to take care of myself, I usually find a better outcome that way.
> 
> ...


Willfully ignorant? Nope. She's a woman, and she's been fecking my husband. Got all I need to know right there. Now back to damage control....

The kids need to be tended to. He needs to be either shown the door or plopped down into a marriage counselors chair. #1 focus is on US and our marriage state, not what some floozy is doing and what her plans are with my husband. I don't care. He's the one who opened the door to her, so let's focus on what the heck the gatekeepers issue is. She's just akin to a stray cat he let in IMO. 

She isn't the core of any problem. HE is.


----------



## UnwarrantedParanoia (Sep 1, 2011)

Hope and A Bit:

what if OW/OH is somebody you know? A friend, a relative, a co-worker. How comfortable would you feel that the A is over if they are still seeing that other person. How would you know who to watch out for?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If my husband worked with the OW, he would have to change jobs. If she was on his ball team, he'd be dropping that ball team. If it was my sister, I'd probably freak at both of them. A friend, they'd not be a friend any longer.

What to watch out for would be the same whether I knew who she was or not. No contact means no contact. It's up to him to prove it too, moreso than it's up to me to find out about it. Sure I will snoop in his phone and his email and his bank statements, but I still do that and there never was another woman for me in the first place. I'm not seeing how it matters if I know exactly who she is or not, really.

And Almostrecovered, maybe I am not typical in my reactions. Hence where I said that if it's something you feel you do need right away, then go for it. I just don't think every BS needs to be told right off the bat that they _have_ to find out who it is, because not everyone is going to need that right away.

My thinking is pretty black and white I guess. He fu*ked up therefore it's up to him to prove he's being 'good'. If he doesn't do so, then he's out the door. If I ask for proof of something and he won't provide it, then he's in trouble. Trust, but make HIM verify.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> no offense but you react differently than most (and that's fine, whatever works for you is all good), I contend it is an important thing to do for the majority of BS's for the reasons outlined


I agree, but doesn't the importance of investigating the affair diminish in importance if an affair is a deal breaker for you, unless you find out that knowing details helps in the divorce? I think Lisa indicated that she hasn't made that decision yet.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Halien said:


> I agree, but doesn't the importance of investigating the affair diminish in importance if an affair is a deal breaker for you, unless you find out that knowing details helps in the divorce? I think Lisa indicated that she hasn't made that decision yet.


to a degree sure, but as you said she hasn't made that decision

but here's a good point about investigation-

WH comes home says he wants to work things out and then proceeds to lie about details- the BS has nothing to verify this and then has their hopes up to be dashed later when they do investigate or worse, merely takes them at their word


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

add the fact our imaginations can be worse than reality

You know how we as BS's get, we dwell on this stuff
thus when we dwell on the unknown we start imagining all sorts of stuff, the truth is freeing in many aspects


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I just assumed mine was a liar and didn't believe a word he said at first till he had proven otherwise. Made things MUCH simpler.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I just assumed mine was a liar and didn't believe a word he said at first till he had proven otherwise. Made things MUCH simpler.


but again, you've seen it in action here- not many BS's go this route. They want to believe the wayward so badly that do as such perilously


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

They do, but they shouldn't. The 180 really DOES work. I like to think they should be convinced to do the 180 rather than waste time trying to verify their spouse is a lying cheating bastard when they already know he is.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

UnwarrantedParanoia said:


> Hope and A Bit:
> 
> what if OW/OH is somebody you know? A friend, a relative, a co-worker. How comfortable would you feel that the A is over if they are still seeing that other person. How would you know who to watch out for?


My focus wouldn't be on that other person. My spouse will let me know everything I need to know with their actions.

It would really suck if it was someone I knew personally, but it still doesn't matter. My spouse is the one that chose to enter into infidelity with another person. I want to know why, and if they are committed to us or if they want out. That's it. 

When my ex was caught, he promised it was over, la dee da, and 6 months later his actions proved different. He was right back to his old tricks. Lying about his whereabouts, not answering his phone, disappearing for time that was unaccounted for. Treating me differently. I didn't need to see anything else or speak to anyone. It was all right in front of me.

To focus on the other woman is an exercise in futility. It serves no purpose other than to further inflict pain upon myself. Why do that? I would be hurting enough with my husband betraying me. I don't need to spend my time comparing myself to some chick who had his attention when he wasn't with me. She's just not important.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Lisa, just caught up on this thread and I am so sorry for what you're going through. You are doing better than anyone could ever expect for someone in your current situation. It seems that you are not going to put up with his bullsh!t and that is good - if you really want to work on R and you think he can be up to it then do what others are suggesting, do everything you can to kill his affair, demand he be completely transparent, don't let whatever pathetic threats he can make against you stick, even though he is the one that has caused all this pain right now you have the power to dictate how its going to be. You have been here enough to know about the fog and you understand he is in it right now, so don't expect him to want to end it right away, but he needs to have some remorse for his behavior and acknowledge the pain he has caused you. For me, even though I saw my W was batshyt crazy to want to quit on the marriage I let myself wait for a little while, but soon realized that her being so unapologetic and unremorseful prevented her from ever being able to see me in the light that I needed to be in as her H, so I let her go. If/when you get to that point, just detach completely and don't give an ounce of effort to his cause. You will be fine, it will take some time, but you will get there.


----------



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Lon said:


> Lisa, just caught up on this thread and I am so sorry for what you're going through. You are doing better than anyone could ever expect for someone in your current situation. It seems that you are not going to put up with his bullsh!t and that is good - if you really want to work on R and you think he can be up to it then do what others are suggesting, do everything you can to kill his affair, demand he be completely transparent, don't let whatever pathetic threats he can make against you stick, even though he is the one that has caused all this pain right now you have the power to dictate how its going to be. You have been here enough to know about the fog and you understand he is in it right now, so don't expect him to want to end it right away, but he needs to have some remorse for his behavior and acknowledge the pain he has caused you. For me, even though I saw my W was batshyt crazy to want to quit on the marriage I let myself wait for a little while, but soon realized that her being so unapologetic and unremorseful prevented her from ever being able to see me in the light that I needed to be in as her H, so I let her go. If/when you get to that point, just detach completely and don't give an ounce of effort to his cause. You will be fine, it will take some time, but you will get there.



Thanks , he has made is clear he isn't interested in R-- I think he is a fool, but I cannot make him love us and I won't beg him. The kids are devastated. And of course I had to deal with that too (he came when we weren't home, took all his stuff and left)-- coward


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Wow! He's something else!


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Did he say if he was going to the OW?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Atleast by abondoning you and the children he is making the divorce easier on you when it comes time to go to court. Take everything you can from this pos, he obviously would not think twice about doing it to you.


----------



## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going thru this but you sound like a strong, confident woman and that's such a plus! I was weak from the start (dDay was July 30th) and am just now gaining my strength after getting WH out of the house.

Regarding the power of information...I am all for it. In my case, I was able to find out the OW was in an illegal green card marriage and therefore reported her to immigration. Not sure anything will become of it, but it made me feel better


----------

