# How do i know for sure if my wife is cheating on me?



## Jonah1 (Aug 15, 2017)

HI 

I have been separated for 3.5 months and my wife has not given me any tangible reasons as to why she wont come back and work on the marriage. She tells me that she is afraid that if she comes back that we wont resolve our issues and she doesn't want to put our 5 year old son through this thing again. 

I was not an abusive husband but I was a bit controlling. 

about a month before she left i noticed that she had locked me out of her phone and changed all of her account passwords. as I always had access to these things this raised a red flag. a week before she left i found a note in her lunch bag whilst cleaning up that had all of her new passwords on. firstly I noticed that she has two FB accounts and two Gmail accounts. further more her passwords were _guysname_for_hername_ and vice versa. I confronted her about this and she told me she had to change her passwords for work proposes as they were trying to test some systems and that guys name was her cousin(that I have never met) and was totally random. I asked her why she had locked me out all her devices. she told me that she was chatting to a counselor as she felt controlled buy me and he told her to lock me out of her stuff in an effort to regain her individuality. I found that strange.

I called the counselor but as it is a helpline i got through to someone completely different. I asked them if this is something a counselor would suggest to a caller and explained her excuse. they said not not ever. so I confronted her again on what the counselor said and she said with tears in her eyes that she doesn't know why he told her to do this but he did and swore that there was no one else. She told me to trust her. she in turn accused me of trying to hack into her phone and was very defensive about it. 

i couldn't accept her excuses and i was a wreck for the next couple of nights, she told me that she has been unhappy for about 4 years (this came as a shock to me as this was the first i heard of this) after trying to deal with this for a week she had had enough and took my son and left. 

I have since been trying to reconcile but am getting nowhere. I still think someone is in the picture as when ever I have my son she is never at her house. and is always so distant. my son tells me she is always on her phone when they are together. 

we went to couples therapy twice and it was rough, after that she made excuses not to go again. she has been stringing me along for 3.5 months but still swears there is no one else. 

how do i find out the truth?

I do love my wife and dont want to throw in the towel if there is no one else.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She's gone. 

Let her go. 

Go to IC yourself to learn about your controlling behavior and stop it. Do not bring it into your next relationship.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Gross deception + Lying = Cheating!

Work on yourself! Move on!*


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## zoemariewoodside (Apr 7, 2017)

By the sounds of things your wife has made the decision to go. You need to sort out the controlling side of you. By knowing you wife's passwords for her accounts and you accuse her the moment she changed the passed words feels to me that there was a lack of trust there. Sometimes when we marry people we do lose who we were. I am definitely not the same person who married my husband. I don't know if that's good or bad I get conflicting views from friends and family. 
As with couples therapy, I feel sorry to say that I think she had already made the decision to leave and wasn't prepared to change her mind. I will suggest be calm and collected around her and ask her to honestly tell you why you have split and is there any chance of getting back together? But beware you might not like the answer you get, but try to stay calm and civilised sometimes it's easier to have these discussions in a public place as it can help stop heated arguments. You need to know where you stand to make an informed decision, but I am sorry to say that I think your wife may have already made up her mind. 

Sent from my SM-G357FZ using Tapatalk


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

So....you had all the passwords, did you use any of them to do a little detective work?
If so, what did you find?

She is cheating. If you can access her phone records, have them get you her messaging/texting records. You can VAR her car. Do the 180.
She's gone though man.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

IMO once you are separated the snooping stops. She left and has said she doesn't want to work on the marriage. You don't have a right to go through her things anymore. 

I'm all for snooping (for a short time that doesn't become an obsession) while she is there and you are actively married. 

I changed all my info when I was in the process of leaving. I needed privacy for my plans. There was no more expectation of open and honesty because it was over. 

Just move on, don't obsess if she was cheating or not.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She is cheating for sure.

Get your legal ducks in a row and let her go. She has a new man. The marriage is dead.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Sorry that you are on this situation. Your wife is having an affair. Read "Surviving an Affair" by Willard Harley if you plan on fighting for your marriage.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Nothing you described is controling.
The first excuse cheaters make up is their spouse is controlling. The second is they have been unhappy for years but the betrayed spouse had no idea. In fact its the cheater that has been telling them how great things were........till they met a new lover.

Odds are its a coworker. In any event, file divorce papers and have them served at her work. Something may shake out there. 

How often does she let you see your child? 

Do you have access to the phone acct? Check with your phone provider to see what numbers she is texting and calling.

Did your sex life change in the last couple of years?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'd say with certainty your wife is cheating. But if you want a smoking gun it's going to be tough while you're separated with little or no access to her devices. You might want to consider a PI if you can afford it. 

It's also pretty clear to me she's looking for an exit affair and wants to hold on to one swinging vine (you) until she has securely grabbed another one. At this point you are relegated to be her backup plan whiles she test drives the OM. She of course wanted the separation to do this without your interference.

My advice to you is to stop making yourself available as a plan B. Implement the 180 to detach, don't talk to her unless it is about your child - and even then, through text or e-mail only. Go find a divorce attorney and have her served ASAP.

If she's going to turn around, it will because she sees you as a strong, confident man, and realizes what it feels like to lose her husband for cheating. But, don't expect it happen. If it doesn't, finish the D and start the next chapter of your life.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Sounds like she's cheating, my XWW did the same thing. All the red flags are present. 

My advice is to let her go. You cant fix her or change her mind and you certainly can't live like this indefinitely. File for Divorce and save yourself. This is what you really need to do, you just don't know it yet. 

If a set of nice fresh divorce papers doesn't wake her up, and I'm betting they wont, there is nothing else you can do but move on. 

The best of luck to you.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

I got told the same bs when I caught my ex wife cheating.She hadn't been happy for years,felt neglected and more of the same.It was funny that her would be lover was the same guy I caught her with ten years before.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jonah1 said:


> HI
> 
> I have been separated for 3.5 months and my wife has not given me any tangible reasons as to why she wont come back and work on the marriage. She tells me that she is afraid that if she comes back that we wont resolve our issues and she doesn't want to put our 5 year old son through this thing again.
> 
> ...


You only love who you thought she was and you are a typical betrayed spouse. You desperately want to believe her lies. Get out of your denial


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A counselling service that gives out such details is not good


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

zoemariewoodside said:


> By the sounds of things your wife has made the decision to go. You need to sort out the controlling side of you. By knowing you wife's passwords for her accounts and you accuse her the moment she changed the passed words feels to me that there was a lack of trust there. Sometimes when we marry people we do lose who we were. I am definitely not the same person who married my husband. I don't know if that's good or bad I get conflicting views from friends and family.
> As with couples therapy, I feel sorry to say that I think she had already made the decision to leave and wasn't prepared to change her mind. I will suggest be calm and collected around her and ask her to honestly tell you why you have split and is there any chance of getting back together? But beware you might not like the answer you get, but try to stay calm and civilised sometimes it's easier to have these discussions in a public place as it can help stop heated arguments. You need to know where you stand to make an informed decision, but I am sorry to say that I think your wife may have already made up her mind.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G357FZ using Tapatalk


I am sure that his wife still has all of his passwords. Having one another's passwords is not controlling, it's a sign of trust and openness. My wife has mine and I have hers, we use each other's phone when ours aren't handy. Nothing to hide you see. 

My wife is more then welcome to go through my phone anytime she wants, no breach of trust. Just like I can go through hers. 

If dating I can understand keeping passwords from one another. When you are married you should be an open book with one another, no secrets.


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## Jonah1 (Aug 15, 2017)

Hi 

I see my child every second week for a week. I have no access to her phone at all and the sex life was pretty poor since my son was born. it got better about a month before she left, Like really better.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

If you file for divorce you can at least spend more time with your son. She unfortunately have mentally check out of your marriage and might have physically done so as well. You alone can not carry this marriage and frankly you can't trust her....to be honest you should have made a copy her new password and checked them out for a while without her knowing, but you showed your cards so that is gone...you can always hirer a PI but at this point move on. Learn to be less controlling.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Jonah, you know exactly what is going on. Why do you need more proof? This isn't a court of law. There is no "beyond a reasonable doubt" burden you must establish.

Love yourself enough to refuse being treated this way. Consult an attorney, file for divorce, implement the 180, and seek 50% custody of your child.

Sorry you are here.


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## Jonah1 (Aug 15, 2017)

Thanks for all your advice.

I will do some serious thinking here and break the cord....


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jonah,

You have to let her go, forget the snooping. If she met someone else while you were separated then?

Go see a lawyer to ensure you have visiting rights to your son and can sort all of that out.

Then you need to work on yourself as you do sound somewhat controlling. You say 'a bit' but I think it probably was a lot. You need counselling so that you do not bring that into another relationship, no-one can live with a controlling person.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife is having an affair and is blowing smoke up your arse about it. The affair started way before she left. The heightened sex drive before leaving. Double dipping, classic cheater behavior. You need to expose , expose expose or before you know it your child will be calling him daddy all the while claiming to the whole world she met him after you separated. That will be another of her bald face lies. You need to find out who the other man is. Then inform his significant other if any. Exposing may or may not break up the affair and you or she may not want to reconcile after exposing and that is everyone's right. But you certainly should know who has invaded your marriage. Since she did not have the decency to divorce you first before using you as a baby sitter while having sex with him and all the while lying to you about it her feelings on exposure matter none. Zero. Especially since you have a child together. You have every right to know who broke up your marriage and who your child will be calling her POS lover stepdaddy. Your child has every right to know exactly why they grew up in a broken home and who broke it up. Not that you would tell them now but years later when they grow up. They will ask. Especially if it is the future stepfather. Decent men, decent fathers don't break up families. 

Just have a PI or a an acquaintance follow her next time she goes to meet him. Photographs, license plates , addresses will tell you everything you need to know. Yo can also place a GPS tracking device on her car. 

Also see an attorney asap. Have the divorce papers drawn up. I recommend having her served while she is having one of her trysts. Then keep a recorder on while she blows up your phone. You can use that later when she tries to wiggle out of her lies.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

You've got all that you need. Go completely dark on her. Communicate only about the kid. Nothing else. It's called the 180. Get thee to a lawyer. 

If you want to waste money on a PI, try a female. She'll blend in better. Less chance of being noticed.

(Evil thought.. hire a hot escort to be seen by her. To get her attention only). Yah. Just a thought. 

Only when her lover dumps her will she go to Plan B. That's you. Don't be Plan B. She'll turn on all the lesson learned charm and tears. Dump that skank. You would not marry or date a cheater, so no point letting her into your life. If you let her back, she's just gonna do it again. She's toxic. Don't poison your family with her. 

Your kids will learn over time, cheating does not pay. 

Date other younger hotter women who won't cheat.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

SHE USED THE GUY'S NAME IN HER PASSWORD! Of course she is cheating. Stop playing the pick-me game. She will not admit that she is involved because she is not ready to file for D yet. Why should she. She has you for child care and support and her OM for fun and excitement.

Marriage is over. Time for you to leave.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

@Jonah1 : Sorry, but those are a lot of red flags… combined, it becomes a raging fire. The chances of her having an affair is between 100%~500%. 

You missed out on not making use of those passwords, to see what was really going on. You didn’t know about this place ahead of time. But that IS NOT YOUR FAULT! None of us knew about these cheating games, there are no classes to take in college or highschool to learn about it.

You asked questions, she lied to you. Her tears were fake. Her actions against you were the truth. I am not sure what emotional triggers they use to make the tears flow. Maybe they are thinking about losing their lover?

My wife did very much the same thing. She used fake excuses of her therapist to tell me things that were not real. Hell, I even forgot what the lie was, but it was a lie and it didn’t make sense. “What consular would tell a patient such a thing?” situation. She admitted this lie in MC months later. Gaslighting. 

Blocking the phone from you and not giving you the password (check) – you / we should have demanded “Well, if it's not passworded to block me out – then unlock it and let me see it”. We didn’t. We were told a lie and didn’t want to appear like controlling jerks – but also, in our brains - I think we didn’t want to know the truth at that moment, we wanted to believe the lie.

You did NOT make your wife lie and cheat on you. That is on her. ONLY HER. She hurt you bad, I’m sorry. And she’d hurting your kid over someone else’ penis. A fantasy.

You “being controlling” – hard to say. Does she also drink a lot? Drinkers and cheaters will say their SO are “controlling”. It’s a typical train of thought. It’s blaming you.

She was “not happy for 4 years” and said nothing? Only thing that kind of sticks out is that you said the sex had gone down hill 4 years ago. Yeah, we all lose some sex when the child is about a year old and mobile. Our toddler kept knocking at our door and coming in last night when we were having a go a it. We just stopped and delt with the interrupts. But many a times, we just try to do when he won’t bother us.

It is still likely the affair is only months old, rather than 4 years old. If it was going on for years – her phone being locked out would have happened then. So I would guess, that the affair went physical in the past 1~3 months before she left.

Once you started finding evidence of her cheating… she panicked and was mad that you were going to interfere with her fantasy with her affair partner. That is where the anger comes from. A typical female cheaters brain has to come up with a lot of reasons why her husband is the bad guy. She has to make up a reason to cheat so that she is not self-harming her self (she still is – of course).

Since she has moved out, your ability to get the truth and maybe repair the marriage is pretty much nil. I found this place weeks too late. You found this place 4 months too late. Again – NOT YOUR FAULT!

We can only help you from this point forward.

I am currently in R (reconciliation) with my “wife” – as we are no longer married. You have to be strong, you have to do 180. And you MUST divorce your wife… that may shake her out of the fantasy. Get her served at work. See a lawyer next week… get her served before next Friday.

Your wife is gone. What you are interacting with *IS* a zombie. The zombie has taken over.
You are dealing with an enemy now. She is NOT your wife, she is NOT your friend. She does NOT want you.

Go to the gym. Lose weight. Bulk up…. There are lots of younger women out there for you now.
But you are chained to your wayward because of the child. That sucks.

Other things you need to do (I need to go) – is tell us what you would like for us to help you with.

Here is my short list (for now) of what you need to do.

- Locate who the OM (Other Man) is. 85% chance, it’s a co-worker. If her phone as been on your family plan all this time. Locate the text history log and see who she has been texting 800x a month with. If she always had it under a different account – you are screwed. – Then get a PI to locate who she is having sex with.

Why? So you KNOW who you are dealing with. Otherwise, in a month or two – she is going to introduce to YOUR son and HER FAMILY her “new boyfriend” that she just meant a few weeks ago – of course. When in reality, it’s the guy she’s been having sex with for months. Or maybe, he is married. If that is the case – you will and MUST tell his wife.

You can than give that info to your wife’s HR department.

You already have partial proof on who he is. You have his first name. If it’s a small company, then it should be easy to track.

Your “wife” is your enemy.

- buy a VAR, the SONY 470. This one: https://www.amazon.com/Sony-ICD-PX4...503079718&sr=8-11&keywords=sony+digital+voice

You’ll need it as protection. When ever you are interacting with your wife – have it in your pocket. You never know if SHE’LL accuse you of assault. Or she slips up names or locations. You can’t say “wait, let me write this down”… trust me… BUY THE VAR. They sell it at Best Buy. You can Amazon ship it in 2 days.

- Change ALL your passwords. Anything that is an account… change it.

- Consider your marriage is dead. Murdered by your zombie wife. Think about YOU and your son. If you had found us earlier, we would have told you this info earlier. And you could have prevented her from taking your son out of HIS home. I knew this already… so when I kicked my wife out – our son’s belonging stay in my home. The police would not let her leave with him.

Whatever belongings she has in your home. Box it up and put it in storage, give her the location and combination. Remove her name from the lease too. This would make any entry she makes, illegal.

You are at war.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

If he is married there's a chance you can force her back but what's the point. Your special bond has been broken. You would have to create a whole new bond. It's loads of work. It would be much easier for you to find something new and fresh. That being said if you really want to reconcile then find out what's going on, but it will be extremely painful.


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