# Seeking consultation on a few disagreements



## Eduard (Dec 11, 2016)

Hello all,

I have just registered to this forum because I am seeking some consultation and help regarding some disagreements with my relationship with my wife. I would like to pose a few simple questions and I am hoping to receive some direct and simple answers (feel free to elaborate further after the answer). I will pose the questions if the following format:

Alright so here are the questions without context (might be hard to answer, I would like to request simple answers such as "Yes, No"):

1. If prior to marriage, the husband supports his childhood family (parents/siblings) for whatever reason. And after the marriage takes place the husband continues to support his childhood family, does this mean that the husband cares more about his childhood family as opposed to his wife?

2. If the husband informs his wife that he helps a "drunk friend", only to later inform his wife that it was a female drunk colleague that she knows about, would you consider this as an attempt to lie, manipulate or mislead?

3. Would you consider that if at point A the husband said that he did not "carry" said drunk female colleague, and at point B the husband claimed that he supported her by the shoulder (not lift her up) as an attempt to lie, manipulate or mislead?
*
EDIT**: Please read beyond this point if you are interested in context, my main questions are posted above this sentence*. 

Some context for the questions above (please highlight the text as I typed it in white color to ensure that the non context is read first):

1. The situation is as follows, I support my parents and younger brother as I migrated to this country only 7 years ago. I have made commitments to them since then to support them and help them out as at the time I was the only English speaker and the only one with income. Since then financial situations have improved and I still support my parents (although much less). I met my wife after I made these commitments and married her only 1 year ago, my wife and my parents don't get along well (my parents have mistreated her). Since then I have attempted to reduce/eliminate the support to them, however it is very difficult to do as I am not positive that they will have a good lifestyle if I do (note; 6 years ago around 80% of my income went towards supporting them, as of this year about 15% of my income is used to support them)

My wife mentions that under these circumstances I demonstrate that I put my parents first and that I love them more (which I know is completely false), she mentioned if I asked anyone then they will tell me the same... thus here I am asking it.

2 and 3. A few months ago a female colleague of mine (single, around my age, and unfortunately good looking) was leaving our department at work, as such all of the department went to celebrate her promotion (20 - 25 people). Long story short; me, her and a few other colleagues stayed very late. I did not drink much that day but my female colleague did, she was drunk and I was sober and I volunteered to be her designated driver. This is where **** hit the fan, she lost her keys and was blacked out (capable of basic speech, wobble walk) so I did not know what to do. I decided to bring her to my apartment and let her sleep in our bed (mine and my wife's) until she sobers up. Before I found out about her lost keys and while I was with other colleagues, I texted my wife saying that I am helping a "drunk friend" as I was talking with some other colleagues.

After I brought her to our apartment, I immediately texted my wife and her boss to ask her to call me. In the text I said that we have a problem and that I brought that female colleague to our apartment and that she is "passed out" (note here that I exaggerated and that she was not passed out), I wrote that very light heatedly as I thought she would understand this situation... well she did not (can't blame her). We had a huge fight about this whole situation, and during the fight I explained to her that I exaggerated that she is passed out, the explanation was something along the lines of the following; "No she was not passed out, she was just really really drunk I simply exaggerated, she was able to walk on her own and I did not even "carry" her". At a later time when we came down a little bit, I mentioned to my wife that I helped her get here by supporting her by the shoulder as she was wobbling and could trip. My wife blamed me for lying and/or misleading her because I said that I did not carry her.

To give you a bigger picture, at the time I was doing this I felt like I was doing the right thing... obviously in hindsight I should have not volunteered to be my colleague's designated driver and put her in our bed. Also to clarify, there is no suspicion of infidelity nor was there any attempt at it, it is not about that. The whole argument here is that my wife blames me that I mislead her when I said "friend" instead of the colleagues name, or that I said that I did not "carry" her when I did help support her by the shoulder. From my perspective, I volunteered this information and I had no intention of misleading or lying for the following reasons:
1. Friend; I was talking with collegues at the time and simply sent a message to give her an update as to where I am and what am I doing, even if **** did not hit the fan that night I would still volunteer the information as to who was the "friend" I was helping. I just did not think of it at the time or thought it was a big deal.
2. Carry; I find that there is a big difference between "Carry" (lifting someone up who is unable to walk) and "Help Support" (helping someone walk on their own). In addition I used the phrase "did not even carry" as assurance that my colleague was not passed out, not as a cover up for supporting her as she walks.
However she believes that this is misleading, even if it was subconscious. Another point I would like you to consider, I did use to lie a lot as a child to get away from trouble to the point it did become subconscious... However I have been trying to stop this nasty habit as much as possible. But there are some instances when I know for sure that I had no intentions of lying and I really dislike being accused of it when I am trying really hard to improve (but I can understand the skepticism).

I really appreciate the time to read and answer my post, this would greatly help us both.

Sincerely,

Eduard


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Eduard said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I have just registered to this forum because I am seeking some consultation and help regarding some disagreements with my relationship with my wife. I would like to pose a few simple questions and I am hoping to receive some direct and simple answers (feel free to elaborate further after the answer). I will pose the questions if the following format:
> 
> ...


You have to many instructions....... You should always choose your spouse over your family, with that said there is nothing wrong with helping family as long as you home obligations are taking care of and you talk to your spouse about it and they agree .... 

I would be pissed if my husband put some drunk girl in our bed, why not put her on the couch? If the only choice was to take her home with you. 
You should not have been some single women's sober driver, they have uber and cabs for that, why did you lie to your wife and tell her she was passed out when she wasn't? A far as being told you are lying if you are then you are so when your wife calls you out on it, isn't it your fault for lying?


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## Eduard (Dec 11, 2016)

Lostme said:


> You have to many instructions....... You should always choose your spouse over your family, with that said there is nothing wrong with helping family as long as you home obligations are taking care of and you talk to your spouse about it and they agree ....
> 
> I would be pissed if my husband put some drunk girl in our bed, why not put her on the couch? If the only choice was to take her home with you.
> You should not have been some single women's sober driver, they have uber and cabs for that, why did you lie to your wife and tell her she was passed out when she wasn't? A far as being told you are lying if you are then you are so when your wife calls you out on it, isn't it your fault for lying?


Apologies for the multiple instructions, these are questions that my wife and I compiled since we often disagree and wanted to hear second opinions without context as to how we define "misleading". I have reduced the instructions as you are right about it.

I do feel that I choose my wife's needs and wants over my family. The problem is that I have told her about it before marriage and she never seemed to have a problem with it, until after we married.

As to why not on the couch? I do not know, I guess I felt that a bed was more suitable as to me it was honestly not a big deal... but I should have known that my wife would be picky over such things. 

As to why not Uber? I felt like I am helping a friend (side note she is quite a close friend)... my wife made it pretty clear after the fact that it is not alright to drive a single woman though, I did not feel that way at the time but now I understand how my wife felt about it.

As to passed out; I exaggerated on this topic as I did not think she would be pissed for me helping a friend, I mentioned "passed out" to describe really drunk... Kind of like when someone says "I was stuck in the airport for like 2 hours" when in realty they might have been stuck for 1.5 hours. So I am not too sure why I would say that as it made the situation look even worse for me...

When I do lie of course it is my fault. But my wife accuses me of misleading because I said "friend" instead of the name of my coworker, or because I said that I did not "carry" her but then mentioned that I supported her by the shoulder. Please don't get me wrong, we are good with that argument and understood each other (I learned a lot of lessons). The only thing we want to find out is if that would be consider lying or misleading (question 2 and 3) and whether someone is automatically loving their parents more if they support them (sounds silly but this is what we are arguing about). I personally feel that she is nitpicking my words to find things that appear misleading or inaccurate, she feels that I am saying these things to mislead her or to hide things.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

1) spouse comes first, but it is not an absolute. If the needs of the family are more critical it might take priority. No one is expected to go shopping with a spouse rather than take a sick family member to the hospital, to make a ridiculous exaggeration. 

2). This one is really complicated. If I were at a party and I saw a female fried get drunk and I thought she needed help getting home safely, I'd help her. I do it for her, and I'd do it because frankly I like being a knight in shining armor. I would however tell my wife - if I thought she would understand. OTOH, if I thought my wife would not approve, I'd do it anyway (and tell her so - but I can see someone dissembling). 

3) How I got her to her house is a detail. Assist, carry, whatever, not a big deal to me. 

On point though - I find drunk women completely unattractive sexually. There would be no temptation at all in that direction.


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## Eduard (Dec 11, 2016)

uhtred said:


> 1) spouse comes first, but it is not an absolute. If the needs of the family are more critical it might take priority. No one is expected to go shopping with a spouse rather than take a sick family member to the hospital, to make a ridiculous exaggeration.
> 
> 2). This one is really complicated. If I were at a party and I saw a female fried get drunk and I thought she needed help getting home safely, I'd help her. I do it for her, and I'd do it because frankly I like being a knight in shining armor. I would however tell my wife - if I thought she would understand. OTOH, if I thought my wife would not approve, I'd do it anyway (and tell her so - but I can see someone dissembling).
> 
> ...


Thank you sir, I completely agree with your responses (I also find drunk women unattractive). I felt just like you with number 2 (I too like to be the knight so to speak), I would have done it for a male/female stranger if need be, however now I will probably avoid it as it really bothers my wife.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

As I wasn't born in this country, I understood the responsibility to care for the family even though the person has a wife or husband. This obligation is part of our culture and it is expected in mine. I married someone from my country. Although, we both immigrated to this country at a young age. Me at age 9, my husband at age 11. I'm aware of this and at some point, will have to care for our aging parents especially my mom who became a widowed. I wouldn't disagree with that part of your story. Even though your wife and your family doesn't get along, it's still a responsibility. 
As far as helping a drunk female friend and putting her in our marital bed .I'd be pissed also, that is disrespectful to your wife. What was wrong with the couch?
As far as the language you used when telling your wife, I think you were aware at some point even subconsciously that your wife would be upset about this and you chose not to tell her we there you thought there might be a possibility of a hook up with this inebriated, attractive female friend only you can answer that. I know most wife want their husband to be their own white Knight not every other damsel in distress. Let the other damsels find their own knight. 
When you are married you always have to think about it things will be misconstrued as inappropriate. This is important by both spouse, especially in my culture. I won't even allow my husband's friends to enter our home if he's not home. These are friends that grew up with both of us have known for over 15 years.

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Eduard said:


> Long story short; me, her and a few other colleagues stayed very late. I did not drink much that day but my female colleague did, she was drunk and I was sober and I volunteered to be her designated driver. This is where **** hit the fan, she lost her keys and was blacked out (capable of basic speech, wobble walk) so I did not know what to do. I decided to bring her to my apartment and let her sleep in our bed (mine and my wife's) until she sobers up. Before I found out about her lost keys and while I was with other colleagues, I texted my wife saying that I am helping a "drunk friend" as I was talking with some other colleagues.


This is a bunch of BS right here Eduard.

You ever hear of lying by omission?

Guilty- as charged.

A drunk woman in your bed is just wrong on so many levels. You had other options. Better options. And you were not in any way forthcoming to your wife with the details. Why? Because you were "talking with some other colleagues". Yeah ok. 

You don't need me or any other internet stranger telling you how out of line your actions were and how you dealt with it and what you told your wife about it.

You already know but you're hoping for more "votes" or something from people that just might sympathize with you.

I don't.


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## Eduard (Dec 11, 2016)

browser said:


> This is a bunch of BS right here Eduard.
> 
> You ever hear of lying by omission?
> 
> ...


I appreciate the harsh criticism. However I am not trying to justify what I did with the drunk women, I made a mistake and should have not done what I have done. I should have not volunteered to drive her, I should have not brought her and put her on my bed (a couch would have been the better choice). I do not deny this and it was a wrong call and I take accountability for that. This whole question is not about whether my decision was right or wrong, I used this example because we frequently have arguments regarding how we define misleading and this example had 2 situations where I was blamed for it. 

I like the previous comment from maritalloneliness where she mentioned the following: "I think you were aware at some point even subconsciously that your wife would be upset about this and you chose not to tell her we there you thought there might be a possibility of a hook up with this inebriated".

This made me realize that perhaps subconsciously I tried to hide it at the time, thus misleading my wife (despite me providing this information willingly in a later stage). 

The reason I am reaching out to strangers is because this has been a hot topic for us for a few years now. And after internally thinking yesterday and reading some of the comments, I think my wife is right and that I am misleading her on many instances by providing partial information because I knew she would be pissed off if I provide the whole information. I would like to note that I never hide the information, within the same day I always tell my wife what happened voluntary. 

Thank you for the replies, specifically uhtred, maritalloneliness and Lostme (partially) who actually addressed the questions I had. You helped me realize that I was indeed misleading by trying to avoid arguments.

And Browser, to answer your last comment. I did not look for sympathy, I looked for clarifications to very specific questions that we have fundamental disagreements on.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Eduard said:


> I do feel that I choose my wife's needs and wants over my family. The problem is that I have told her about it before marriage and she never seemed to have a problem with it, until after we married.
> 
> As to why not on the couch? I do not know, I guess I felt that a bed was more suitable as to me it was honestly not a big deal... but I should have known that my wife would be picky over such things.


Did your parents mistreat her before or after the wedding? How did they mistreat her?

How would you feel if your wife brought a drunk man home to sleep it off in your bed?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Eduard said:


> I used this example because we frequently have arguments regarding how we define misleading


Your actions are the definition of misleading. 



Eduard said:


> This made me realize that perhaps subconsciously I tried to hide it at the time, thus misleading my wife


You're even lying to yourself. If you can't trust you, then your wife certainly cannot either. 



Eduard said:


> I think my wife is right and that I am misleading her on many instances by providing partial information because I knew she would be pissed off if I provide the whole information.


So what do you intend to do about it?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

frusdil said:


> How would you feel if your wife brought a drunk man home to sleep it off in your bed?


More specifically if your wife brought an attractive man who was a close friend home to your bed and then trickle truthed some of what happened?


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Your wife comes before family. The drunk woman episode would be grounds for divorce. Sorry dude.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Wow. Your wife is pissed for a reason.

You put everyone else before her.

Let everyone else deal with their own sh!t.... it is not your responsibility.

If some woman wants to get drunk then she needs to have a plan to get home.

As for your bed, if I was your wife I would make you buy me a new one because you completely ruined it.

Do a 180 and focus on the person that is important to you before she feels she is not and leaves you.

Wife first. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

No.1 It means that you are taking money away from the family coffer and giving it to people who have mistreated your wife. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot?

Nos. 2 & 3 - you deliberately misled your wife. Personally, I find that whole scenario to be totally unnecessary and over the top. Were you her designated babysitter? Why didn't you drive her to her home? Why is a female colleague a very close friend?

The only person you need to be a knight to is your wife. Curb your tendency and set some boundaries out of respect for your wife.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

It's even simpler than most are making out to be. 

Eduardo you gotta stop doing stupid sh!t.

Bring a drunk girl home and putting her to sleep in your bed and not telling your wife about it right away because you're "too busy talking to your friends" is stupid sh!t.


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## Eduard (Dec 11, 2016)

*frusdil:*

_Did your parents mistreat her before or after the wedding? How did they mistreat her?_

That is a very long story honestly, to make it short... my mother has the personality that she speaks first thinks later, and said a few things that she shouldn't have. It was mainly just verbal opinion, no cursing or anything like. 

_How would you feel if your wife brought a drunk man home to sleep it off in your bed?_

To be completely honest, I would not mind so long as she had a good reason. I grew up in a very bad environment and being drunk with male/female friends was something frequent, we helped each other out quite frequently. Now with the wife a different story, like I said in hindsight I wouldn't do it. And also, I don't care who sleeps on my bed... personally I am not picky about that.

*browser:*

_Your actions are the definition of misleading._

Do you have anything constructive to say other than criticism?...

_You're even lying to yourself. If you can't trust you, then your wife certainly cannot either. _

Same as above.

_So what do you intend to do about it?_

I apologized to her and going to do my best to improve so I would not do the same again.

*fall222:*

_Your wife comes before family. The drunk woman episode would be grounds for divorce. Sorry dude._

Of course she comes first, I do not think otherwise for a second. Divorce is not even something she considers, she knows that nothing happened between me and her as I am not that type of person. And yeah, thanks.

*xMadame:*

I do not think you understood the situation at all. Yes she is pissed and yes I did somethings that I should not have. It was not some random woman, it was a friend and a co-worker (we are a team of 3 people at work and we are very close). She was aware that I was out with co-workers and her with a work sponsored happy hour, she knew I am helping a "friend" (this is where I should have mentioned the name instead of misleading). My friend lost her keys and I could not bring her into her home (I was in front of her home going through her stuff to find the keys). The moment I brought her to my apartment and put her in bed (should have used to sofa), I contacted my wife right away telling her the situation (should have contacted her before however).

As for the bed she was pissed off, I did not expect that as I would not care who sleeps in my bed (friends, family, co-workers, male, female... does not matter to me). My friend's plan was to find a designated driver, I volunteered as I was sober... she lost her keys and got too drunk though. And of course my wife comes first.

*Blondilocks*

_No.1 It means that you are taking money away from the family coffer and giving it to people who have mistreated your wife. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot?_

I know that it does not "feel" right to her. But like I mentioned, my parents are immigrants here I made commitments of helping them as long as they need it, this happened a year before I met my wife and 6 years before we got married. My parents mistreated her (my mom spoke her mind without forethought), physical treatment was good and overall okay. And true that I take a portion of my salary and give it to them instead of focusing it on me and my wife, but at this point at time I have to. I do however work on a plan to get them off of my back and my wife is on board.

_Nos. 2 & 3 - you deliberately misled your wife. Personally, I find that whole scenario to be totally unnecessary and over the top. Were you her designated babysitter? Why didn't you drive her to her home? Why is a female colleague a very close friend?_

Yes I offered to be her designated driver as I was sober and didn't think much of it. I did drive her to her home, she lost her key and was too drunk to take care of herself. Why wouldn't I have co-workers from either gender as close friend?... She is a close friend because I am a part of a 3 people team and have been working with them for years, all 3 of us are very close (I also answered the mislead part in other posts, don't want to repeat but I agree).

_The only person you need to be a knight to is your wife. Curb your tendency and set some boundaries out of respect for your wife._

You are right and I acknowledge it, I am going to ensure that happens. 

*browser:*

_Bring a drunk girl home and putting her to sleep in your bed and not telling your wife about it right away because you're "too busy talking to your friends" is stupid sh!t._

Brought a good friend and a coworker home who was a girl yes (hindsight shouldn't have done it, I told you this a couple of times), Yes I put her in our bed and I should not have (like I mentioned I don't care who is on my bed and I did not think it was such a big deal, I was wrong and I learned). My wife knew that I am helping a "friend" (did not mention her name, would have at a later point, should have mentioned right away) right away, and she knew that I brought my co-worker to my apartment as soon as I could (should have asked before I brought her over). I was not "too busy talking to friends" to tell her, I just did not tell her who exactly I was helping... very different.

Again, please do not reply unless you have something constructive to say or answer the questions I posed above (which were already answered to my satisfaction). Me and my wife spoke about what happened and agreed on it, I asked something *completely different*... maybe I shouldn't have provided context...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Eduard said:


> I like the previous comment from maritalloneliness where she mentioned the following: "I think you were aware at some point even subconsciously that your wife would be upset about this and you chose not to tell her we there you thought there might be a possibility of a hook up with this inebriated".
> 
> This made me realize that perhaps subconsciously I tried to hide it at the time, thus misleading my wife (despite me providing this information willingly in a later stage).


Men who fear angering their wives become doormats, which makes the wives even angrier. Read the book No More Mr Nice Guy to see what I'm talking about. 

When you lie by omission, you create doubt in her mind. What ELSE aren't you telling her? You need to overcome your fear of telling your wife the truth.

A question about your family. I assume the whole family came over, as you said you were the only one speaking English. So it's been 7 years - surely THEY are now speaking English, too, right? Right? So surely they should be able to earn a living, too, right? 

If they are not, you need to ask yourself how much you are enabling this situation.

And why do they not like your wife?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Eduard said:


> Do you have anything constructive to say other than criticism?...



Your question:



Eduard said:


> If the husband informs his wife that he helps a "drunk friend", only to later inform his wife that it was a female drunk colleague that she knows about, would you consider this as an attempt to lie, manipulate or mislead?


My answer:



browser said:


> _Your actions are the definition of misleading._


I have done my best to answer your question, sorry you see it as criticism but regardless I have nothing further to offer.


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## Eduard (Dec 11, 2016)

turnera said:


> Men who fear angering their wives become doormats, which makes the wives even angrier. Read the book No More Mr Nice Guy to see what I'm talking about.
> 
> When you lie by omission, you create doubt in her mind. What ELSE aren't you telling her? You need to overcome your fear of telling your wife the truth.
> 
> ...


I will look into the book as you recommended, I am afraid to talk to her because when I complain she snaps >_>... I voiced my concern about that to her though.

My mother is working and learned English fairly well, my brother is junior high and my father is useless. My mother makes $25,000 a year, not enough to support a family. I however do not pay all of their expenses, I pay around 40% of their bills and bills alone (luxury and wants are covered by them). I did enable the situation for a while as I was not saying anything supported them without a 2nd thought, I have been gradually decreasing my support as my mother advances her career.

They are okay with my wife, I would even argue that they like her. My mother is a very outspoken person and says what's on her mind, even when what is on your mind should not be spoken... I guess I also forgot to mention that my wife is an immigrant who lived here for 1.5 years, we got married as soon as she got here from overseas and experienced some culture shock. My parents were not too welcoming (not from hate or dislike, they are just weird like that) and my mother said things that pissed my wife off (in all honesty, silly stuff).


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

Would you have put a drunk male close friend into your bed, or onto the sofa?

Putting an attractive female friend into your bed is sending her a highly charged symboilc message.


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## Eduard (Dec 11, 2016)

Mike6211 said:


> Would you have put a drunk male close friend into your bed, or onto the sofa?
> 
> Putting an attractive female friend into your bed is sending her a highly charged symboilc message.


The answer to your question yes, and I do not understand what what symbolism you are referring to.


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

Eduard said:


> ... I do not understand what symbolism you are referring to.


That you'd like her in your bed .. and, it being your bed, you'll be in it too.

This sort of thing can be subliminal (i.e. not conscious) .. female friend put into your bed, wife gets upset. Self-reflection kicks in .. "yes, if I'm honest with myself, I'd like a slice of the female friend".

I note from your post #16 on this thread :



> browser [wrote] : "Your actions are the definition of misleading." [You replied] : Do you have anything constructive to say other than criticism?...


It seems that you didn't understand browser's comment. Both my reference to symbolism, and browser's post with its inferential definition of misleading, don't seem to resonate with you at all.

Are you high-functioning Asperger's by any chance? If you are, I assume that there would be a whole body of established practice to guide enhancement of social and emotional 'literacy'.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

Eduard said:


> 1. she mentioned if I asked anyone then they will tell me the same... thus here I am asking it.


I recommend that both of you get into marriage counseling, ASAP, to address the real, underlying issues between you two. I see a serious lack of love, respect and FRIENDSHIP between the two of you and the issue about your parents and the money is a phony distraction. 
In reading the rest of your story, I see the very same issues: a lack of love, respect, trust, acceptance and FRIENDSHIP so, again, go to a marriage counselor and get to work on the REAL issues that are bothering both of you.


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## Eduard (Dec 11, 2016)

> Self-reflection kicks in .. "yes, if I'm honest with myself, I'd like a slice of the female friend".


Some points:
1. Why would you use quotation? I did not write this.

2. As I explained, I grew up in a bad environment. When I was 15 I was renting with my friends and after leaving home. I have been drinking a lot as well as my friends. It was a common thing to help friends out (male/female). On multiple occasions then, I brought in drunk males or females to my apartment and let them sober up in my bed. I personally have no attraction to this female friend of mine, and like I mentioned I would have done the same to a male friend. I am not trying to justify this, like I mentioned numerous times in hindsight I would have not done it.

3. The way I rationalized it at the time was as following:
a. My female friend is about to leave the department.
b. She is getting drunk and claimed that she cannot drive on her own.
c. I volunteer to drive her home as I am sober and would like the person to have a good time on their last day in their department.
d. She gets really drunk and I am driving her back to her apartment.
e. She lost her keys and I could not let her into to her apartment.
f. I drove her to my apartment so she could sober up and put her in my bed.

4. As I mentioned, I did not see it as a big deal and I honestly do not think it is. My fault here is that I failed to realize how my wife would feel about it. The one thing me and my wife do have in common is we do not doubt one another in terms of affairs, so she was not even mad about this part at all. The whole anger stemmed from me misleading and putting it her in our bed. 



> It seems that you didn't understand browser's comment. Both my reference to symbolism, and browser's post with its inferential definition of misleading, don't seem to resonate with you at all.


To be honest I feel quite belittled by some of these comments, luckily I posted this without some sort of midlife crisis as I would have been really upset. I completely understood brower's comments, he repeated the same point a few times after I admitted and acknowledged that I mislead to him and others. Continuously repeating the same criticism without offer any follow up content is not constructive, it looked to me as a post to just point out my wrong doing. As to the symbolism, I still do not understand why you use the word and how it fits in this (could be because English is not my mother's tongue). So to summarize this to you, it Brower's comments resonated with me a few times before his post... I found repeating it without follow-up suggestions as criticism without the intent to help, thus not constructive. Your symbolism comment does now resonate as I do not understand what you mean by that. 



> Are you high-functioning Asperger's by any chance? If you are, I assume that there would be a whole body of established practice to guide enhancement of social and emotional 'literacy'.


No, I am a person with a different cultural background than my wife and my local society's. 



> I recommend that both of you get into marriage counseling, ASAP, to address the real, underlying issues between you two. I see a serious lack of love, respect and FRIENDSHIP between the two of you and the issue about your parents and the money is a phony distraction.
> In reading the rest of your story, I see the very same issues: a lack of love, respect, trust, acceptance and FRIENDSHIP so, again, go to a marriage counselor and get to work on the REAL issues that are bothering both of you.


We tried counseling, it helped at first and resolved a lot of our problems. However now we both agree that it is a waste of time (I think the counselor became to comfortable with us). We have no lack love and friendship actually, with respect I might agree... parents and money is something that bothers her, not sure if it a distraction and if it is then from what?

Again, friendship and love is not a problem. Trust (both ways on some particular issues, never regarding affairs), acceptance and respect are somethings that I think both me and my wife can improve upon.

*Guys, I hate to be rude but please enough with the criticism here. I got my answer and I see my flaws. Please stop analyzing more than what you have been asked as it is not helpful, my wife and I got over the scenario a while ago and we both learned from it. I could not be more clear at first regarding the exact topics that I wanted to discuss in this thread. Instead I have been explaining and justifying the situation despite that not being what I asked*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One thing that men often don't realize when they get married is that the wife is 'on alert' to see where she ranks as compared to her husband's family, specifically his mother. If she feels - ever - that he will take his mother's side over hers, well, it will set the stage for the rest of the marriage. The only thing that can be done at that point is an honest apology to the wife for not realizing that he was doing so.

That said, aside from fixing that, the husband must lead the family; he must be strong. She WANTS him to be strong.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

If their is one statement that seems to plague Eduard, "it would be No deed goes unpunished" 

I think you mean well, but your execution is flawed, it lacks truth, honesty and a deliverance of shadiness. 

I can well see how you wife feels like you don't have your back with your family and i she can not trust what you say. Time for mending fences and growing up, that includes your family


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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

...


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Eduard said:


> *Guys, I hate to be rude but please enough with the criticism here. I got my answer and I see my flaws. Please stop analyzing more than what you have been asked as it is not helpful, my wife and I got over the scenario a while ago and we both learned from it. I could not be more clear at first regarding the exact topics that I wanted to discuss in this thread. Instead I have been explaining and justifying the situation despite that not being what I asked*


A.K.A Please tell me only what I want to hear and nothing more.


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## Eduard (Dec 11, 2016)

turnera said:


> One thing that men often don't realize when they get married is that the wife is 'on alert' to see where she ranks as compared to her husband's family, specifically his mother. If she feels - ever - that he will take his mother's side over hers, well, it will set the stage for the rest of the marriage. The only thing that can be done at that point is an honest apology to the wife for not realizing that he was doing so.
> 
> That said, aside from fixing that, the husband must lead the family; he must be strong. She WANTS him to be strong.


Thank you, have not thought about it this way. I did apologize but perhaps I should do so more frequently.

browser and MSalmoides... thanks again for the very constructive feedback (sarcasm if it's not obvious enough).


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Eduard said:


> Thank you, have not thought about it this way. I did apologize but perhaps I should do so more frequently.
> 
> browser and MSalmoides... thanks again for the very constructive feedback (sarcasm if it's not obvious enough).


You're welcome Eduardo. (sarcasm if it's not obvious enough).


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Eduard said:


> *frusdil:*
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I get drunk. My friends get drunk, almost everyone gets drunk.

In my almost 40 years of life and 24 of them spending many nights intoxicated, not ONCE has a male "friend" put me into his bed so I can "sleep it off".

They have all (tried to) f*ck me, so unless you are a complete saint or completely stupid, sorry, I am not buying your story.


So where did you sleep that night?




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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

xMadame said:


> I get drunk. My friends get drunk, almost everyone gets drunk.


Why?


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

browser said:


> Why?




Clarify your reasons for the "why" via a PM unless directly related to the thread. 


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

xMadame said:


> Clarify your reasons for the "why" via a PM unless directly related to the thread.


Why do you and your friends and everyone you know get drunk all the time? It sounds like a virtual epidemic of drinking from how you describe it, and you say it like it's normal. 

Sorry not all that big on PMs, how are the rest of the forum members going to learn?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

About the bed. It is not just another piece of furniture. It is your marital bed where you and your wife make love and conspire to conceive your children. It is sacrosanct. It is off limits to any and all sundry drunks, elderly nap-takers and sticky-fingered children.

Face it - the floor would have served the drunk just as effectively.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

It's not the bed. It's not miscommunication. It's not even the misleading. 

It's the wrong way to handle such a situation. 

He should have called his wife before he even left the bar with the woman.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

browser said:


> Why do you and your friends and everyone you know get drunk all the time? It sounds like a virtual epidemic of drinking from how you describe it, and you say it like it's normal.
> 
> Sorry not all that big on PMs, how are the rest of the forum members going to learn?




I never said all the time.

Do not quote me and attempt to put words into my mouth or twist my words.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

xMadame said:


> I never said all the time.
> 
> Do not quote me and attempt to put words into my mouth or twist my words.


Ok, you and your friends and everybody you know, get drunk. 

Perhaps it's not "all the time" but it appears to be with some regularity, would that be more accurate?

If so, then why do you and everyone you know get drunk with some regularity?

It's not healthy.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You came "here" from "there", about seven years ago.

Culture shock "on your part" should last about a year.

Culture shock "on our part" [with your part], is jaw dropping.

Ever hear of Lou Costello? I think you two are related.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=50298&thumb=1


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

browser said:


> Ok, you and your friends and everybody you know, get drunk.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Well internet stranger, provide me a good reason to answer that question and I will.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

xMadame said:


> Well internet stranger, provide me a good reason to answer that question and I will.


The question was rhetorical, I was not expecting an answer because I already know why people get drunk, and use drugs with regularity and engage in other undesirable, self destructive behaviors.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

browser said:


> The question was rhetorical, I was not expecting an answer because I already know why people get drunk, and use drugs with regularity and engage in other undesirable, self destructive behaviors.




Then why single me out? 


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

xMadame said:


> Then why single me out?


It's nothing personal. I single everyone out.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

browser said:


> It's nothing personal. I single everyone out.




Well, maybe you should take that time and effort and use it more constructively. 

Perhaps focus on something more relevant to your life instead of someone on the internet that you will never meet. 


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

xMadame said:


> Well, maybe you should take that time and effort and use it more constructively.
> 
> Perhaps focus on something more relevant to your life instead of someone on the internet that you will never meet.


Perhaps you should do the same?


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

browser said:


> Perhaps you should do the same?




I will now that I am finished with this.
Thank you for the lovely banter.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

...


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

badsanta said:


> ...




I saw that before you deleted it bahaha


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

xMadame said:


> I saw that before you deleted it bahaha
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I had to get drunk while I was doing my calculations!


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

badsanta said:


> I had to get drunk while I was doing my calculations!




And you didn't invite me over. 
Tsk tsk tsk
Lol


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

xMadame said:


> And you didn't invite me over.
> Tsk tsk tsk
> Lol


Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that this is NOT you? 










I kept wanting to ask why your boobs were squeaking so loud.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that this is NOT you?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Not even close.

Nice taste?


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