# Wife says she's fallen in love with another man.



## plutarch (May 3, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for nearly thirteen years, and we've been through some rough patches - we lost one of our children ten years ago when he was six to name but one. We are both 35. I look 45, she looks 25 and is absolutely gorgeous. I've always been quite restrained in expressing myself, but I've always told her I love her and meant it. She did the same.
Until a month ago.
I'd just taken a new job with a massive pay-cut to be closer to home, when she said she loves me, but isn't IN love with me, and hasn't felt that way in years. I just DIDN'T know!
I was devastated. She used to be SO loving and affectionate. Then she didn't want anything to do with me. She said she needed space to 'discover herself' because our eldest was joining the army, and will probably be going to Afganistan.
I accepted her criticism of my failings - I have been a very unsupportive husband, but I was being driven out of my mind to the point I was seriously contemplating suicide after she told me.
Then I found out she was having an affair, our eldest went mad and we three had an all night arguement whilst the other children were crying, and she says it's unforgivable that the kids got involved, and that the eldest found out I'd been thinking of killing myself.
I later found out the affair is with a Marine (a 'REAL' man, as she says). She told me she felt that she was falling in love with him and needed space to sort her mind out. She lso said she wants me to try and court her again, but says she can't give the other man up, because she wants to be sure what she wants. Before I left, she jumped on me and we had fantastic sex - the best in years. When I saw her a week later I had high hopes but she had become even more distant from me than before - and then complained that I was ooking so sad I was depressing her.
She's even suggested selling the home and buying one for herself and the kids and one for me. At the moment I have to stay in a friends spare room.
What can I do? I love her so much, I miss being a full-time dad, but every time I'm in her comany I get so frustrated I swing from anger to pleading and begging.
Help. My life is in utter ruins.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude I don't date chicks that date other guys especially when its my wife.

You are a doormat and will tolorate sharing.

So do want to change?

#1 STOP PLEADING!

You are pushing her away, so take control of your self and distance your self from her. Right know you need...you must worry about your self. Stop getting walked on and and start working out..do something that betters your self for you not for her.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Plutarch, why are you out of the house?


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Plutarch so sorry to hear of your story. My story is not like yours, but similar in that my huband left things too long when they were bad, and now sees it too late to reconcile our differences and we are planning to separate. i don't want to and am devestated. You will go through lots of emotions, that is natural. And they won't be over and done with quickly. You do have to start to look out for yourself though, that is good advice. I find this website invaluable for support. Sometimes I just read an entire thread to see how other people have dealt with their situations, and know I can get through it. Look up the thread 'Just let them go', you might find it useful. Look after yourself.


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## plutarch (May 3, 2011)

CathyGriffinFan:
It's because my wife ignores me or scorns me, and I get depressed and snap at her in front of the little ones, which is not good for them. And with my job and the hours I do there's no way I could afford a childminder for our five kids if I'd kicked her out.
Reindeer: thanks

Today my wife text me to say she was feeling "very, very down", so I text her a few times to ask how she was in an affectionate way, but now she's complaining I text her too much!
I'm in a downward spiral here - whatever I do achieves nothing but making the situation more painful and seems to drive her further away towards this other man


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she wants out and is having an affair, she should be the one to go, not you.

If she has told you she's in love with someone else and done, accept that. Yes, it's hard but you BEGGING AND PLEADING will push her eve nfurther away.

STOP catering to her. If she says she feels down, don't placate her. She chose where she is at and didn't think of you or your family unit in the process. 

You need to tell her You have thought about what she said and yo uagree..the marriage doesn't work for you in the status quo either. That if she choose the affair, you won't be around for her and will take all actions including up to and filing for divorce.

The maintain that boundary.

You come across as ery weak/desperate everytime you jump for her or tell her you can't live w/o her and beg her. Know that. It will make her think less of you. MAN UP.


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## plutarch (May 3, 2011)

"MAN UP" That's what she says. And yes, I am very weak. I would love to have the strenghth to kick her out, but there is absolutely no way I could keep my job and pay the mortgage and look after our five kids; my hours can't be changed and jobs are VERY hard to come by at the moment.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Toss her strumpet ass in the street where she belongs.

"Here's your **** (points to ratty suitcase), there's the door, GTFO"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Runs is only half-joking. 

It's true, Plu. THe more you grovel and try to convince her to stay, that you love her, that you want her, that she must end the affair or you'll die--the more it wil turn her off.

Time for REVERSE psychology. LET HER GO.

You must do this STAT if you have any chance at getting through to her.

AGREE with her. Tell her you don't want a marriage like this anyway and are going to take steps to move forward.

ZERO emotions, okay?


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## plutarch (May 3, 2011)

Easier said than done. Especially as we're supposed to be going away as a family for a few days next week. She said she's dreading it - I'm dreading it, but it'll be my last holiday with the kids for a long time.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She wants you to court her while she sleeps with another man (a manly man as she states it)?

As for the holiday trip, take the kids and have a good time. Leave her behind to do whatever she wants. Tell her she's not invited until she decides that you're the only one she wants.

She chooses you and the kids, or the manly man. If she chooses the OM, you have your answer and can move on with your life. Won't be easy but at least there is no, does she want me or him, maybe I'm winning her back, etc...running through your mind.

Go and have a great time with your kids. Trust me, you'll probably find out it was the best decision to leave the wife behind to find yourself with YOUR FAMILY.


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

She actually referred to him as "REAL Man" in your presence, implying that you are a WUSS? And you are still love this insensitive, selfish, narcissistic woman?

Oh my goodness man, I thought I had it rough.

Please tell her to hit the bricks and get a relative to watch the kids, file for divorce and be done with her.


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## plutarch (May 3, 2011)

She was an orphan - and my reletives abandoned me years ago: I am alone. And yes; I really do love the woman, and I know I shouldn't, but I just can't switch off my feelings about her, although I really wish I could.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Then you best grow A SET!

She wants a real man? No she wants a boy toy. A REAL MAN doesn't go around stealing other men's wives. 

A real man provides for the family - not just a roll in the hay!

Grow a set and show her what a REAL MAN YOU ARE!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## plutarch (May 3, 2011)

I wish. But frankly, given my health and mental state at the moment - I haven't got the foggiest clue how to go about it. I've just been put on anti-depressants, and I've lost 30lbs in the last month (now weigh 166lbs). He's a Marine Reservist and Policeman - I'm a sculptor. No contest.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Then let her go - give up. 

Being a sculptor is not a pansy. You can exercise right? Then get out there and do it. 

You need to go ASAP to the Mens clubhouse. Read the man up stickies. 

Stop thinking about how she is going to take things. Think for yourself and do a 180. No begging pleading or crying. Become indifferent towards her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## plutarch (May 3, 2011)

I'm trying to be indifferent, I haven't contacted her at all today, and she's used to getting quite a few texts from me during a day (no 'clingy' or pleading or begging texts). I'm worried that she'll think I don't give a s**t, like she's accused me of acting towards her these last fourteen years.


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## thinner (Feb 28, 2011)

plutarch,
i agree with what everyone else is saying. I'd file for the divorce and let that idea smack her in the head. She is using you. i also have gotten the same response, when i am sad or depressed, it depresses her. But when she is sad or depressed I would try to uplift her...not anymore. Stop the unnecessary texting, do a 180 for yourself not for her. It is most likely time to let her go. Be there for your kids. Let this new real man screw around on her and do to her what she did to you. Now get back to sculpting and make a name for yourself.  But honestly, realize that ethically and morally you are most likely too good for her. Find someone that appreciates YOU...and doesn't walk all over you and cheat on you with some dirtbag. Just because someone is a police officer or marine, doesn't make them a real man. Realize the GOOD in you and cheer up. Life shouldn't suck this much...be happy for yourself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

plutarch said:


> I wish. But frankly, given my health and mental state at the moment - I haven't got the foggiest clue how to go about it. I've just been put on anti-depressants, and I've lost 30lbs in the last month (now weigh 166lbs). *He's a Marine Reservist and Policeman - I'm a sculptor. No contest*.


Self-degradation and these self-defeating comments aren't going to do anything but dig the hole deeper you are in.

For real. Stop it. 

You want to not appear like a weakling? FIND YOUR STRENGTH, your SELF-WORTH, and your DIGNITY.

If you do not do this, you are going to basically tell her "Hello, My name is Doormat and you can do whatever the hell you want."

UM. HELL NO. 

She tells you she's dreading vacation? You tell her "So am I."

She tells you she wants a real man? You tell her "And I want a REAL woman, one who doesn't f-ck around on her family and touts around in an affair abandoning her family, one who respects me, our family and relationship."

Get your power back.

The sooner you do this, the better.

Stop calling, stop texting, stop placating her. It's disgusting. Go back home. That's YOUR house. Hold your tongue, move back in. SHe can GTFO if she isn't happy.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

JB hit the target!!!

Get back in there man!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So you carve rock with fire and hammers? Pretty badass.


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> So you carve rock with fire and hammers? Pretty badass.


Damn Right! Wish I could do that stuff.

You've got so much talent, don't put yourself down.

Gammy


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

It's time to find your manhood, no reason to let her do this to you.

Don't get mad, get a divorce.


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## plutarch (May 3, 2011)

Hi,
Last night i tried a few of the '180' tactics that I thought were appropriate, and she said that she was going to leave off 'All men' for a few months and concentrate on "discovering herself - who she really is" and then decide what she wants; but she doesn't want a divorce - apparently it hasn't crossed her mind yet. What does that mean?


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## thinner (Feb 28, 2011)

Apparently, she's trying to placate you for some reason or another. It doesn't matter if divorce hasn't crossed her mind, it should have crossed yours. This doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship, especially on your end. I know people can change, but what are the chances of her "burning" you again in the future. I'm not a pessimist but I am an extreme realist. Good luck to you plutarch.
thinner


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## plutarch (May 3, 2011)

Placate me - What for?


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## plutarch (May 3, 2011)

Couldn't she be being honest?


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## psionivy (Apr 4, 2011)

OK time to hit you over the head with reality!!! Stop wallowing in self pity first. Take it from someone who just watched the love of her life walk out the door 3 days ago. I cry and scream just when he was not around and if he calls I am nice and sound upbeat. I have read a lot of books and I read the Magic of Making up online book and what the others are telling you is the truth, you need to tell her you agree with this and you wish her happiness(this works- it will throw her off balance). Tell her you need space also and it would be a good idea for you two to take a break. If you want to let her stay in the house thats fine. But stop calling her and texting her silence is golden and if you are up her ass how can she miss youand by telling you love her all the time she knows she has her foot in the door- she made her bed make her lie in it for a while. Look at it this way... what do you have to lose at this point tring something different. Go out with friends. I went out the other night just walking around and left my phone in the car and my ex flipped and even came to the house because I wasn't there sitting around! Men and women like strong people not a weak version of what you once were. The biggest shock to her will be you picking yourself up off the floor and she will start to be intrigued by you and not turned off. And your first step would be not going on vacation with her, you will spin her head around!!!!! And do not contact her unless its about the kids, if she wants to get into conversation about you two tell her you guys are taking your space and you are not really ready to talk about it after you hang up you can fall to pieces but be very calm cool and collected on the phone. I am doing this and it is working already.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

wanttobehappy56 said:


> Don't get mad, get a divorce.


LOL. This sounds like it'd be on a brochure for a divorce attorney 



plutarch said:


> Hi,
> Last night i tried a few of the '180' tactics that I thought were appropriate, and_ she said that she was going to leave off 'All men' for a few months and concentrate on "discovering herself - who she really is" a*nd then decide what she wants*_; but she doesn't want a divorce - apparently it hasn't crossed her mind yet. *What does that mean*?


It means she's f-cking with you. 
Notice nowhere in that entire journey of hers does it mention YOU, your needs, your wants, your life. It's all about her.

Time to strap your boots up and get ready to stand up for youself. KEEP up with the 180. Your response should have been "I think it's really great you're going to do this for yourself, discover yourself, find out who you really are. I'm happy for you. In the meantime, I've decided to do the same thing. It sounds like it could be fun." Then smile.

You have to say all of this totally deadpan to her, be serious. At this point you need to treat her like you treat a colleague at work: cool, calm, confident. *Professional, NO emotions.* It will seriously mess with her head. Because at this point she has expected you to fall over, die, and cry for her about how empty your life is going to be w/o her. She EXPECTS that from you. So prove her wrong. 

My mother always told me: Nobody came into this world joined at the hip with anyone. You came alone, you will leave this world alone. She has been married to my father for over 35 yrs. They hae an awesome relationship, too. So it's hilarious. 

My favorite personal 180 story is this: My now ex-H was rowing w/ me tons before I left. One day I asked God to give me a sign of whether I should leave my marriage or not. I came home from work to find him packing up boxes. I said, "Oh, are you moving?" And he got upset and kept throwing things in boxes, bickering. I said "Well, where are you going?" And he got more upset and said "I am leaving and I don't have to tell you anything about where I am going. It's none of your business!" And I looked at him in the face very calmly and said "I am sorry you feel that way. Please make sure to leave behind all pertinent documents related to our taxes and other important information" and I grabbed some things (car keys, a book) and left the house to go to marriage counselling alone, per usual.

When I came back later and opened the door to our bedroom, guess who was "sleeping" in our bed?

*180s DO work. *




thinner said:


> It doesn't matter if divorce hasn't crossed her mind, it should have crossed yours.


You guys are cracking me up today :rofl:


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## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

I'm in a little bit of the same situation as the original poster, though not as desperate. I still love my love but that love is tempered by the betrayal. 

I'm a bit fuzzy about this 180 thing. Because I could do it. I've done it before in other relationships before my marriage, and it works, but I never found it a satisfying solution. With my wife. I told her from the start that I would not play emotional games. I wanted her because I loved her and I wanted her to be with me because she loved me, not because I could make her feel insecure by playing the power game.

I asked myself back then - what is the value of a relationship if it is based on this type of emotional manipulation?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

abcl06735 said:


> I'm in a little bit of the same situation as the original poster, though not as desperate. I still love my love but that love is tempered by the betrayal.
> 
> I'm a bit fuzzy about this 180 thing. Because I could do it. I've done it before in other relationships before my marriage, and it works, but I never found it a satisfying solution. With my wife. I told her from the start that I would not play emotional games. I wanted her because I loved her and I wanted her to be with me because she loved me, not because I could make her feel insecure by playing the power game.
> 
> I asked myself back then - what is the value of a relationship if it is based on this type of emotional manipulation?


abc,

Please start a new thread and tell us about yourself.

This thread is 2 years old and I would imagine the person who started it won't be responding.

But, that's just a guess


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

plutarch said:


> I'm trying to be indifferent, I haven't contacted her at all today, and she's used to getting quite a few texts from me during a day (no 'clingy' or pleading or begging texts). I'm worried that she'll think I don't give a s**t, like she's accused me of acting towards her these last fourteen years.


You better hope she starts to think you don't give a ****.

It's the only thing that might bring her back to you.

I don't know why you'd want her back though
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abcl06735 (Mar 30, 2013)

Conrad said:


> abc,
> 
> Please start a new thread and tell us about yourself.
> 
> ...


Yeah, sorry. Found this on a search on the web. Didn't notice until I replied that it was 2 years old!


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