# Worse day of my life



## Nice guy (Feb 28, 2013)

I found out yesterday my wife of 12 years, 17 years altogether. Had sex with another man. While I was out of the country 4 weeks ago.

I caught her texting very late at night. She said it was a guy from her gym whom she had befriended. I stewed on it all night. And the following morning asked, "do I have anything to worry about?".

She replied. We'll talk tonight. And left for work.

I went the work also. But broke down and got permission to have the afternoon off. As I could not concentrate.

So she eventually arrived home and we went upstairs to talk, away from our two children.

She confessed that she had had sex. I thought a one night stand! Okay after 17 years a blip. But no, she actually went sober to the guys house to have sex.

She felt guilty afterwards, and knew she was in the wrong but did it anyway.

She has been racked with guilt ever since. And has been trying to tell me since I returned from my trip.

My wife is very attractive and is hit on often, at work, at the gym, on a night out. But has never strayed in 17 years. She has no idea why this guys text flirting worked.

But. During our talk she admitted to feeling different towards me for about 2 months.

I told her I love her too much to let this end our marriage.

Of course I'm in bits. I feel she has already decided it was an unforgivable act. She says she wants to make our relationship work.

I currently feel I cannot / do not want to live without her. She is my rock.


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

Have you let her know that if the marriage has any chance at all she needs to cut off contact completely? Has she agreed to this? I can't tell from the details you've given whether she told you because she is actually remorseful or because you caught her texting. I wouldn't assume that you have the whole story yet, there's more she isn't telling you about.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

she was trying to tell you yet was still texting him until she got caught

doesnt pass the sniff test


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Nice guy said:


> I caught her texting very late at night.


She did not confess until you caught her. This could have been going on for quite a while, it could still have gone on for quite a while if you hadn't caught her. 



Nice guy said:


> She confessed that she had had sex.


At least she came clean. Or at least told you she had sex once. Probably a lot more she didn't tell you. 



Nice guy said:


> I thought a one night stand! Okay after 17 years a blip. But no, she actually went sober to the guys house to have sex.


Probably a lot more than once.



Nice guy said:


> But has never strayed in 17 years. She has no idea why this guys text flirting worked.


Yeah right she has no idea why it worked. She was totally caught up in his magic spell and didn't even realize it was happening until after it was over, that one and only time.

Believe that to be the truth at your own peril. 



Nice guy said:


> I told her I love her too much to let this end our marriage.


Unfortunately that was not a good response. It's weak, enabling, and sends her the message that she can get away with this sort of behavior, and makes you even less attractive to her. 

A much better response even if not truly how you feel would be to kick her out and tell her the marriage is probably over but you'll give it some serious thought and get back to her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I suggest you click the newbies link in my signature and educate yourself a bit

right now you're getting a dose of what we call trickle truth


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

You don't want to live without her because you don't know what other possibilities are out there. You're afraid you can't do better. But you can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

WhiteMousse said:


> You don't want to live without her because you don't know what other possibilities are out there. You're afraid you can't do better. But you can.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


The sooner you realize this the better off you'll be. She needs to have this fact thrown in her face for a while before you even begin to think about forgiving her.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

You might consider changing your username. Nice guys DO finish last. Trust me. My ex wife told me I was too nice. Download and read 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' and 'Married Man's Sex Life' (not really a sex manual, but a how to be a guy that women are attracted to manual.)

I'm sorry that you're here.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

And she better be finding another gym and get an std test.


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## BeenthereDunThat (Nov 27, 2012)

Nice guy said:


> I found out yesterday my wife of 12 years, 17 years altogether. Had sex with another man. While I was out of the country 4 weeks ago.
> 
> I caught her texting very late at night. She said it was a guy from her gym whom she had befriended. I stewed on it all night. And the following morning asked, "do I have anything to worry about?".
> 
> ...


Niceguy, sorry this is happening to you and your family. It is obvious to me that your wife has some serious personal issues that will need to be dealt with before anything positive can come out of this mess. Hopefully she isn't in a deep fog and will agree to get the help she needs. I'd also recommend you read as much as you can here on TAM -- you will find information that may help you.


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## Asian (Nov 4, 2012)

My wife 8 years was visiting young OM also just to get her self satisfied sexually. I had some premature problem and couldn't satisfied my wife and she end Up cheating. Now improving with some medication. I thought was rock bottom when I found out but she came clean and actually our relationship has improved recently. So I just want to tell hope is still there my friend!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WEBELONG2GETHER (Jan 22, 2012)

Nice guy said:


> She confessed that she had had sex.
> 
> She felt guilty afterwards, and knew she was in the wrong but did it anyway.
> 
> ...


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Your screen name along with your reaction to her "confession" ("I told her I love her too much to let this end our marriage. I currently feel I cannot / do not want to live without her. She is my rock.") are indicators of part of the problem as well. 

Nice Guy Syndrome + co-dependance = a woman who is not going to be attracted to her husband. 

Sorry for what you're going through.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I hope you've had a look at her phone to see who else she might be texting.

Please do have a look at the newbie link already suggested. There is a LOT you need to know here. And you should get STD tested asap.

I am so, so sorry she did this to you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

WEBELONG2GETHER said:


> Now she is an attractive cheater.


:iagree:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

totamm said:


> A much better response even if not truly how you feel would be to kick her out and tell her the marriage is probably over but you'll give it some serious thought and get back to her.


:iagree: :iagree:


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Nice guy said:


> My wife is very attractive and is hit on often, at work, at the gym, on a night out. But has never strayed in 17 years. She has no idea why this guys text flirting worked.


Why do so many BS here feel the need to bring up how hot/attractive their cheating wife is?? Just curious. It's something I've noticed lately.

And how do you know she's never strayed in 17 years? Because she told you so? At this point you can't believe anything she tells you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Nice guy said:


> I found out yesterday my wife of 12 years, 17 years altogether. Had sex with another man. While I was out of the country 4 weeks ago.
> 
> I caught her texting very late at night. She said it was a guy from her gym whom she had befriended. I stewed on it all night. And the following morning asked, "do I have anything to worry about?".
> 
> ...


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

I'd like to know what that text was that she was sending when he caught her.

I'd be willing to bet that it wasn't "I regret this one time mistake and I never want to hear from you again".


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: Worse day of my life*



Nice guy said:


> I found out yesterday my wife of 12 years, 17 years altogether. Had sex with another man. While I was out of the country 4 weeks ago.
> 
> I caught her texting very late at night. She said it was a guy from her gym whom she had befriended. I stewed on it all night. And the following morning asked, "do I have anything to worry about?".
> 
> ...


Look this may have been her first affair but if you were out of the country dollars to donuts it was 10 times. 

If you don't like to suffer do not get trickle truthed. Don't believe anything she says, it is all lies at this point. Have her swear on her mom's life or something and see if she waivers.


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## BeenthereDunThat (Nov 27, 2012)

Niceguy, one other point -- you will likely be asking yourself a number of questions and may even start to take some responsibility for your wife's decision to cheat. You need to understand that nothing you did or could do can force anyone to cheat - to cheat is her decision 100%. Your marriage is 50/50 and while there may have been problems with your marriage there is always a better more honest way to deal with them than to go outside the marriage and break the trust.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Why do so many BS here feel the need to bring up how hot/attractive their cheating wife is?? Just curious. It's something I've noticed lately.


I think it's their way of partially excusing them, or watering down the shock in some way.. as if they're exposed to so many opportunities to cheat that they just go ahead and buckle under the strain and hey how can you blame them since they resisted 100x and only gave on once?

As compared to "My wife is an ugly fat pig, she never even gets a second look from other guys, how could she possibly have an affair?"


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Also the comment about her being hit on at the GYM, work and out at night indicates she leads a life style that is not marriage friendly and you are a Nice Guy and putting uo with way too much.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Nice guy said:


> I caught her texting very late at night. She said it was a guy from her gym whom she had befriended. I stewed on it all night. And the following morning asked, "do I have anything to worry about?".
> 
> She replied. We'll talk tonight. And left for work.
> 
> I currently feel I cannot / do not want to live without her. She is my rock.



Your life has now been changed forever in a moment’s time. You might be able to work it out, but also a good chance you will not. From these comments she is still calling the shots and your reply is not a good sign for your future, you are too dependant. I would take some time to sort it out; she has to feel the fallout or this person can and will easy surface again in the future.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Nice guy said:


> I found out yesterday my wife of 12 years, 17 years altogether. Had sex with another man. While I was out of the country 4 weeks ago.
> 
> I caught her texting very late at night. She said it was a guy from her gym whom she had befriended. I stewed on it all night. And the following morning asked, "do I have anything to worry about?".
> 
> ...


Something doesn't make sense here. If this act happened 4 years ago and she felt horrible about it, what is she doing talking to him 4 years later?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

totamm said:


> I think it's their way of partially excusing them, or watering down the shock in some way.. as if they're exposed to so many opportunities to cheat that they just go ahead and buckle under the strain and hey how can you blame them since they resisted 100x and only gave on once?
> 
> As compared to "My wife is an ugly fat pig, she never even gets a second look from other guys, how could she possibly have an affair?"


Yes this is part of it.

But it i also putting them down as they are saying I really do not deserve her and I will not be able to find another good looking woman. It cuts both ways.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

totamm said:


> BrockLanders said:
> 
> 
> > Something doesn't make sense here. If this act happened 4 years ago and she felt horrible about it, what is she doing talking to him 4 years later?
> ...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

BrockLanders said:


> Something doesn't make sense here. If this act happened 4 years ago and she felt horrible about it, what is she doing talking to him 4 years later?


Four Weeks


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Nice guy said:


> She confessed that she had had sex. I thought a one night stand! Okay after 17 years a blip. But no, she actually went sober to the guys house to have sex.


So she's not trying to minimize it. That could be good. Or, it could be very, very bad.

Most remorseful wives will tell you that they weren't thinking. Blah, blah, blah. Very few will admit that they just decided to get busy and then they made it happen.



Nice guy said:


> She has been racked with guilt ever since. And has been trying to tell me since I returned from my trip.


Except for the time she's been spending texting her boyfriend.



Nice guy said:


> My wife is very attractive and is hit on often, at work, at the gym, on a night out. But has never strayed in 17 years.


How do you know she hasn't strayed? Because she told you? And she's so trustworthy? It is to laugh.



Nice guy said:


> But. During our talk she admitted to feeling different towards me for about 2 months.


She, she felt different about you for a whole _month_ before she slept with another man? How did she ever muster enough willpower to remain faithful to a man she no longer loved as she once did for _28 entire days_? It's heroic.

Many disloyal spouses will rewrite history to minimize their own bad actions. See, if she just decided that she was bored while you were out of town, so she screwed another man to mix things up, well then she's a real piece of work. That's psychopathic. However, if she fell out of love with you first, well then she was just giving in to the inevitability of fate. You can't remain faithful to a man you don't love _forever_, can you?

However, I suggest you pay attention. She really may be giving you an insight into how to be attractive to her. Did you change something two months ago? Did she go on a different medication? Did you switch jobs? Anything?



Nice guy said:


> I told her I love her too much to let this end our marriage.


This might be the worst thing you could have said to her. Even if you want to reconcile. What you have communicated to her is that she can cheat, perhaps the worst thing one can do in a marriage, and you will instantly and unconditionally forgive her.

You've basically handed her a get out of jail free card. She now knows that she is more important to you than you are to her. And the one with the power makes the rules. I wouldn't be surprised to see her cheat again very soon. What are you going to do? Divorce her? Right.

You have to make a decision whether infidelity is acceptable or not within your marriage. Right now, you seem to be at odds. You are broken up about this, which indicates that you find infidelity unacceptable. However, you have instantly forgiven her and given her no consequences for her behavior. And that indicates that you find infidelity acceptable. So you need to get your words and your actions on the same page.

If you decide infidelity is acceptable, then you just forgive her and try to suck it up. There's really no advice you need other than just try to be happy while your wife is having sex with other men.

So, my advice will focus on deciding that infidelity is unacceptable. First, you kick her out of the house. Tell her that you can't stand the sight of her right now. Tell her you can't decide whether to divorce her, or to give her a second chance. But you will consider reconciling if she meets each and every one of your conditions.

Second, you need to check her phone and her phone records. You need this guy's number to see exactly how many times she has been calling and texting him and exactly when it started.

Third, get into counseling, or read books like Surviving an Affair, No More Mister Nice Guy, and the Married Man Sex Life Primer. Each will give you insight into how you should behave in order to promote a happy and healthy marriage.

Fourth, look at the 180. Since your wife wants to reconcile, I don't recommend doing the complete 180. But you need to show strength instead of weakness. Never let her see you cry.
The Healing Heart: The 180

Rather than seeing you destroyed by her actions, she needs to see you considering moving on without her. That will scare her. And fear leads to respect, which leads to love and attraction. If she thinks you can't live without her, she'll be much less attracted to you.

The clock is ticking on this. It's understandable that this took you unawares and you made mistakes right away. But you need to come down on her like a ton of bricks, or she will think she can get away with it again and again. Start punishing her today. She will love you more for it.

Good luck.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Nice guy said:


> I currently feel I cannot / do not want to live without her. She is my rock.


You can live without her and she IS NOT your rock. She stopped being your rock the first time she had sex with some other guy.

I learned that infidelity is a deal breaker for me, but if it isn't for you, and you want to save your marriage, man up. Do the 180 and let her know you are thinking of ending it, that this betrayal is unacceptable to you.

But really, you deserve a woman who won't betray you and your kids in the worst possible way.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

she took her pants off - wrap your head around that first and before you say you can't live without her....you better get in charge of this fast or brace yourself. The pattern never changes........


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She knew what she was doing was wrong, she knew it was bad, but she did it anyway---she went to his house------What do you think her thoughts were?????

Your rock---if that is the way your thoughts are leaning----why even bother thinking about what has been done---just continue on with your life, knowing your wife "disses you" to the extent she willingly WENT to another mans home, and let him take her, even as she spit ON HER VOWS-----is that what you want for a rock

Worse that what you want, tho---Is that this cheating woman--is the role model FOR YOUR CHILDREN---some role model, don't you think!!!!!!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Nice guy said:


> My wife is very attractive and is hit on often, at work, at the gym, on a night out.* But has never strayed in 17 years*.


how exactly would you know this. #2 rule of infidelity, whatever you 'know' goes out the window, because if you have the unfortunate circumstance of having to come to a website like this than frankly you don't know sh!t, elsewise you wouldn't be here. 

You're wife's story flows worse the the dregs of my coffee this morning. 

She was so torn and conflicted on how to tell you the truth, which is exactly why she was texting the other guy in your presence , and then lied to your face about it. 

They definitely had sex more than once, and probably would have had more if you didn't catch her. 

Total is right, your response is weak, and I know you want to save your marriage but you don't save a marriage by acquiescence and submission. You save it by FIGHTING for it, and this is often against your wife and her OM. 

Your wife just told you she had sex with another man, and despite how 'wracked with guilt' you think she is, what exaly happened here?

She had her affair, didn't have to hide it long, and everything is still A - OK. Either consciously or subconsciously she is going to be thinking "I got away with it." 

And you know what, currently she'd be right. 

The pain you are feeling is going to be excruciating, but ask yourself, do you want to experience this again? 

If your answer is yes, then pretend your wife's affair doesn't exist, don't give her any consequences, and mark the days on a calender before she cheats again and possibly divorces you to be with OM #???(who the hell knows how many men shes cheated, you can' take her word for it)

If your answer is no and you are ready to do what is necessary to save your marriage, then take notes. 

First, DESTROY the affair and any chance of it re-starting. Before you can even begin to reconcile the affair has to be completely over, killed, and then its corpse metaphorically roasted. There can be no trace of OM in either of your lifes if you want R to have a decent chance at working. If he works at where she does she gets a transfer to another building or quits the job(no exception). If she truly did meet him at a gym then her membership is getting cancelled. Then to put the final nail in the coffin, blow the affair up with exposure. Make her call both your parents and tell them that she has had an affair and she needs to apologize. close friends should know as well. 

Secondly, she has to write a no contact letter to OM stating there shall be no contact between the two of them. Text, letters, hell if he gets in a car accident and has 2 days left to live, no contact whatsoever under threat of immediate divorce filing. Once again, no exceptions

Thirdly, surveillance. Don't think you're out of the woods yet. Affairs are like drugs and she may want another hit soon. Continued trysts after an affair is made known but not properly exposed is incredibly common as evidenced here when someone did what you are about to do and didn't expose the affair ( http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/57247-she-cheated-i-hate-my-life.html ) 

They could easily take it underground and continue it. What this means is you have to have complete access and passwords to phone, email, skype, whatever. No exceptions. 

Screw any talk of privacy as well. Privacy is the door closed when someone is in the bathroom, secrets are the stuff of what she used to cheat behind your back, and secrets have no place in a marriage. 

Then and only once you get all the above with no negotiations, should you go for marriage counseling. Be wary of your counselor. Many are bad and subscribe to a 1980s model of marriages where the person who got cheated on is always at fault for (not providing something essential) 

Make sure the counselor knows what they're about, and ask if they know of the book 'Not Just Friends' 

#1 caution for counseling. The affair has to be completely and utterly killed for counseling to have any effect. If you try to take her to counseling while she is still in her affair, it will be as useful as raking leaves during a hurricane. A complete waste of money as she will be too emotionally involved to absorb anything that is not justifying her affair. 


Thats about it. 

I leave you with one last section of advice. Do not pay attention to words or tears I implore. Both are the choice weapon of manipulating a betrayed spouse. 

I give you stuckmick as an example. 

His wife talked a big game, she cried, was totally on about being a bad person and SM not deserving this, but lets ignore those words and examine her actions

- Wanted a separation or her own selfish reasons, yet didn't want to move out

- forced stuck to live in a trailer 

- wanted him as an on call nanny for the kids that she didn't have to pay. 

The messed up part was. Stuck mick could've avoided this. At the onset he might have saved hi marriage if he manned up and made demands, but he bowed, scraped, pleaded, begged, and didn't man up for 9 months after his wife said she wanted the separation. 

What did it get him? She separated him anyways, and developed a huge entitlement complex due to all the pleading and begging stuck mick did for 9 months. Whereas she was originally sorry for what was happening, now she is not. She kicked her husband out of his home, changed her children's lives for good, and doesn't think she should feel bad about a thing. 

Don't let that be you 6 months from now. 

Man up, and do what is necessary.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

totamm said:


> totamm said:
> 
> 
> > Read it again with your glasses on.
> ...


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You say she was full of guilt BUT only told you because you found out on your own by catching her texting the guy.

Then she says she has had different feelings for you for about two months. You are getting trickle truth, and the rabbit hole probably runs deeper than this. Keep pushing for the whole truth and investigate texts, email, VAR in her car, etc., as much as you can.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

barbados said:


> You say she was full of guilt BUT only told you because you found out on your own by catching her texting the guy.
> 
> Then she says she has had different feelings for you for about two months. You are getting trickle truth, and the rabbit hole probably runs deeper than this. Keep pushing for the whole truth and investigate texts, email, VAR in her car, etc., as much as you can.


Tell her to write a timeline and if you think something doesn't make sense, you let her know she is going for a polygraph test.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Nice guy said:


> I currently feel I cannot / do not want to live without her. She is my rock.


If you don't lose this attitude soon things are going to get ugly for you.

Your fear of losing her will cause you to make mistakes. If you rug sweep this and try to fix this yourself you’ll fail and she will continue the affair. She is not going to simply end it because she got busted.

You are not going to nice her back, you have to take a hard stand with her or you will lose her.

That being said, she did cheat on you so you need to re-evaluate if and why would you want to stay married to her. She just failed as a wife; you don’t have to live with that.

BTW we know what we are taking about. There are hundreds of stories just like yours on here and they all end the same way. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you are the exception to the rule like I did. Look out for number one buddy.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

when i was informed of my wifes infidelity with a "friend" from the gym, i confronted her.
she told me it had only happened once, and i bought it. everyone slips up right? everyone makes mistakes, right?
a month later, i found out it had been going on for almost two years.
im just sayin.
dont believe a fvckin word that comes out of her mouth. she is VERY LIKELY in damage control mode.
the first thing you should do is snatch that phone out of her hand, tell her that you want the truth, and if she cant give it to you, you can get it from the phone. easy. deleted or not. myself and others can instruct you on how to do it.
it will give you the truth if your wife wont.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> You don't want to live without her because you don't know what other possibilities are out there. You're afraid you can't do better. But you can.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WhiteMouse, we probably could all 'do better'. But what if we don't want to 'do better'? What if we want the love of our life to 'do better' for and with us?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

You are really fooling yourself if you think it was only 1 time. It's gone on for a while, likely multiple partners, and it only came out because she got careless.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

First thing you want to do... consult a lawyer. This does not necessarily mean divorce, but don't wait until the last minute to figure out what your best options are. You need to be steps ahead of her. 

Another possible reason for her confession, she really wants to end the marriage, but wants you do all the heavy lifting. I would accommodate her on that issue. If you don't get out ahead of the legal and financial options you will be the loser.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

There is a standard script to these situations and there is alot for you to learn but the most important thing you probably want to know is what should you do right NOW to save your marriage.

If there was ever a moment in your life where you needed to man up and be the tough guy, the unaccepting, unforgiving ROCK that you might picture as Clint Eastwood, NOW is that time. You must show your wife that you have self-respect by being firm and strong and saying you will not put up with this treatment. 

It doesnt matter what you said before, you are in turmoil right now and it makes sense that you could change your mind. Use that to your advantage. Tell her that you have done alot of thinking about what you want out of your life and a cheating wife is not one of them. Tell her you want her to leave immediately. If she doesnt, personally, I would leave. Once you have physical separation go NC (no contact). NC for at a month. If you have to communicate, keep it to business (kids, finances, logistics, etc.). Do not talk about her affair or your marriage. It shows that you are moving on and is the real consequence she needs. This will drive her nuts and make her come begging for YOU instead of you begging for her. its so scripted its not even funny.

IF she doesn't come pining after you then she didnt really love you and your marriage was already dead. trust me this is true. How much do you love your wife? IF you got caught cheating and she took off or kicked you out, how hard would you apologize? How many tears would you shed? The same should be for her. Keep that in mind when observing her behaviour.

If you give her harsh and immediate consequences and DO NOT go back on what you say from this point forward, you may just get true remorse, your wife's genuine respect, your SELF-respect (invaluable), and the chance for YOU to set the terms of the reconciliation, not your wife.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> I currently feel I cannot / do not want to live without her. She is my rock.


Nice Guy you are to "f" ing nice. And rug sweeping your wifes affair or one night stand will not solve the issues.

She is not your rock. A rock would not cheat, lie or feel different about you these last 2 months.

Your wife got played by a player.

I bet she is still going to this gym? I bet she still has the OM in her phone?

SO stop being nice. ANd start being the rock.

You love her but I do not think she loves you so much.

HM64


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Nice guy said:


> I told her I love her too much to let this end our marriage.
> 
> I currently feel I cannot / do not want to live without her. She is my rock.


Seriously?

If you really told her that I guarantee you she'll cheat on you over and over and over again since you'll forgive her the next minute.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

NG, you are getting some tough love from the group and by now you are probably starting to realize it's going to get a lot worse before it gets in any better. The collective wisdom posted comes from a lot of people who unfortunately have already walked in your shoes including myself. You will need to assimilate all of the suggestions and advice and apply it to your situation as to what works best. You know your wife and situation best but it would be wise to accept a lot of what you will need to do will be contrary to what your heart is telling you. What I can tell you is that declaring your undying love for your wife is exactly the wrong thing to do. Your marriage was a spiritual and contractual agreement between you and your wife and she has broken it. If you don't clearly state your boundaries and back them up with actions, this will only continue to spiral out of your control with you hanging on for dear life. You have no control because you have not taken hold of it. Do not fear losing your wife if you rock the boat, demand answers or call her to task for her actions. Unfortunately the others are correct, you've only scratched the surface. Now is the time to suck it up and with as much confidence as you can muster, take control of your marriage's destiny. You hold the cards for success here, not her. Once she realizes that she will either walk away or make a serious effort to recover the marriage and your trust. You are in a place that royally sucks and it hurts like hell. But marriages do recover, mine did. It just took me a while to figure out how to get it done. I found those answers here on TAM.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Oh and btw... you should NOT have to move out. She broke your trust not the other way around. She needs to find another place to stay at the moment. This should not be negotiable at all. 

Around your children, you both need to be cordial toward each other regardless of how it pains you. You may have to continue if D is in the cards. Cordial does not mean lovey dovey, but it should not involve either of you calling each other names or having huge long drawn out fights in front of them. They (children) did nothing wrong and thus there is no need to turn them into collateral damage.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> If you don't lose this attitude soon things are going to get ugly for you.
> 
> Your fear of losing her will cause you to make mistakes. If you rug sweep this and try to fix this yourself you’ll fail and she will continue the affair. She is not going to simply end it because she got busted.
> 
> You are not going to nice her back, you have to take a hard stand with her or you will lose her.


:iagree::iagree:


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

First move on your part- she has to get out, that’s the only way you can sort out what’s happening in her life. She has you beat down like a puppy dog, man up and take control. The only way to even start taking control is shake her life up by telling her to find a place to stay. Seeing how she reacts to that will tell you whether you have any chance of R. Personally at this stage of the event how can you even look at her, or sleep with her. If she won’t leave tell her to move in the spare bedroom. You stay put in the master bedroom – don’t leave to be nice. Let her cry. You have along way to go and you better get started.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

NG, 

Are you still there? Reading back at your OP... it sounds like her confession was 'matter of fact'. To me that is a big sign to me that she really does not have the remorse. And, all that stuff where she 'felt guilty' but did it anyway or the 'I don't know how this guy got into my pants' is rubbish. 

A person who knows they did wrong (guilty) go the nth degree and they are the ones that take 90+% of the responsibility toward R. If this is not her, you can do nothing to save your marriage. Let her know flat out it is over unless she shows you it is not. But, she can do that from a distance at another living location. She would need to pursue you, court you, want you, etc... If she really is your rock as you say she is, then she needs to show it. Not what she did in the past but what she can do now and into the future.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

From were I'm sitting the new name for this thread should be " the 1st worst day of your life"

I have a feeling there will be more to come!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

BrockLanders said:


> Something doesn't make sense here. If this act happened 4 years ago and she felt horrible about it, what is she doing talking to him 4 years later?


4 weeks ago. She's still texting him. Not over.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

What a crushing blow. I would be devastated. I'm sorry for your loss.

You might not be answering because some things people are saying might be hard to hear ... or maybe the circumstances at home make it difficult to stay online ... but listen to what is being said here.

It is rare that everything is admitted to right out of the gate. Almost never happens. Your wife is no different, she cheated just like all the other wayward spouses. She had sex with another man while you were away 4 weeks ago ... it only happened once and she feels terrible and wanted to come clean ... but she is still texting him. Does that make sense to you? The other point of course is that she only told you when she has been caught. At this point, you cannot believe what she tells you, it is as simple as that. Please listen to what these folks have to say and do not let her sweep it under the rug with an apology because "she is your rock." She clearly isn't your rock. Spend some time reading the other threads on infidelity ... you will see all the same patterns. I wish you the best of luck.

If she hasn't already deleted her texts, I would examine her phone right away. Look at phone records. Emails too. Look for pics on the phone that may still be there even though the text has been deleted. I think you will find out quickly that she isn't what she says she is.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

I'm so sorry for you.If my wife ever did this I'm gone.

She said she didn't know why.I find this sounds BS

She went to his house,well in my eyes she went out of
her way to have this little affair.

She dosen't know why she did it,it will happen again.

If a female texted you,and showed attention would you drive to her house and have sex with her?

Sorry,your wife makes this affair, sound like its equal to going out a buying a coffee.

The worst day of her life should be when you divorce her!!!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She chose to go have sex with him,

She chose to keep texting him

She chose to lie to you.

Guilt, not do much,


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

As others have said, the biggest red flag, doesn't pass the smell test, is that you caught her texting the guy late at night, she tells you she had an affair four weeks ago and was wracked with guilt, and she was trying to tell you about it, yet here she is still texting away in secret late at night. I'm thinking that this has been going on a lot longer and deeper than she led you to believe. An affair with a gym partner is not a one and done situation. There is usually a very deep emotional affair with the gym partner other man.

Why did she confess to a physical affair when she didn't have to? I don't know, but it's a good sign that she's confused and torn (as opposed to already decided to move on with the other man).

Why does she say she was still texting him late at night even though she has been wracked with guilt for four weeks and was planning to tell you?

Have you looked at phone records to see when their contact started and how it escalated?

Did they use any protection when they had sex?

She basically told you "I love you but I'm not in love with you" for the past two weeks. This is a very bad sign. If she's not in love with you, it's because she has transferred her "in love" to someone else - the other man.

I predict a very rough ride and a lot more to this story than you've been told.

1. Buy a voice-activated recorder and some heavy-duty velcro and put it under the seat of her car. You should catch her talking to the other man and some of the blanks will be filled in. It won't take more than a week.

2. Look at phone bills, email, etc., to see what you can find.

3. She gives you all passwords and access to devices so you can check to see if she's still cheating on you. If she doesn't give up her mobile phone and Facebook and email, she blocks both guys on Facebook, email, and on mobile phone. A better approach might be to change mobile number and delete email and other accounts. She can use your accounts to communicate with people if she wants to. She never deletes any messages ever again, if she wants to delete, she lets you do it.

4. She quits the gym. She can work out at home from now on.

5. She handwrites a no contact letter to other man, gives it to you to proofread, and you send it to him via certified mail.

6. She ceases all contact with other man; if he calls or messages her, she ignores it and tells you about it immediately.

7. She writes out a timeline of her affair. How she met him, who he is, how the affair ramped up, the first inappropriate comment, how often they talked/met up, and what they said/did. You reserve the right to have her take a polygraph if her story doesn't make sense.

8. She gets tested for STDs and gives you the results.

If you do decide to reconcile, that should give you a good start.

I strongly recommend buying a voice-activated recorder or two and some heavy-duty velcro, putting one under the seat of her car and the other in the house where she is likely to talk to other man when you are not around. If you catch her cheating, at least you won't spend weeks or months wasting your time trying to reconcile. If they don't pick up anything untoward, then it helps you rebuild trust that much faster. Also, if possible, put a keylogger on the computer.

9. If other man is married, expose the affair to his wife. This helps to control it from their end. Do not tell your wife you are doing this. If she knows, she will warn other man and he will intercept the message/call. Also, he will call your wife after you expose them and you will get to see if your wife maintains no contact.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Oh, yet another hot wife cheating thread. Why is it we NEVER read about a WW who is a plain jane or nothing special to look at or even ugly? Seriously? And another she had sex once. 

Nice Guy, this is only the tip of the iceberg. You say she's been faithful for 17 years, but how do you really know that? If she can go to some dude's house and bang him for just texting her, then she's done this before and you haven't found out about it.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

some follow up would be nice


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

southernsurf said:


> some follow up would be nice


NG joined yesterday had one post, he has not been back on since post number 35... my guess he did not hear what he was hoping for. Maybe he will be back when he realizes that his method of resolution is not working.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She has no respect for you and thinks that you are a fool. It was so easy to manipulate you. My friend if you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The last time he checked in was right after lordmayhem's post above, so he's seeing what we're posting.

Niceguy, we KNOW what you're going through, and it IS a lot to digest. Here's a post that might help

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-guide-digesting-tam-advice.html#post1490746

as well as the CWI Newbie link in my signature.

Take care. We're here when you're ready.


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

I'm the poster boy for rug sweeping. 

Dude, it DOESN'T WORK! 

The only chance you have is to let her know it's him or you. Don't be afraid of the answer, because if you don't ask it'll never be you anyway.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Nice Guy

know our posts sting. They are meant to.

You are in your own fog, your wife is another.

No matter what breathe deep, eat something healthy, take in plenty of fluids and try, try to get some rest.

We will be here when you decide to come back.

HM64


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

There are lies mingled in with truths. You can't just accept the words that escape her mouth but do listen carefully. To me the fact that she said she started feeling differently about you 2 months ago indicate that the beginnings of the affair started 2 months ago. 

By the time you caught her she was beyond the "beginners scary time". She was confidently texting him in your house. In your presence. It wasn't ONE TIME. Not at all. It takes some kind of nerve to walk into another man's house and drop the skivvies when there is a family at home. 

You have received some very good advice. All of it is designed to save your marriage if it is savable. But it takes a 'take-charge' attitude and a stiff spine to accomplish. So stiffen your spine and get to work.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You not only have to harden up. You have to start snooping and be prepared for things you won't like.

This place ain't nice. It's not happy. It is however the most accurate. We don't pull punches here.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Malcolm38 said:


> I'm the poster boy for rug sweeping.


Not true Malcolm. Not true at all. You acted when you finally discovered the entire truth - kudos. Hope your girls are adjusting well - and I hope you get back into the dating scene. You should update your thread when you get a chance. 

end t/j


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

She has always been like this, you married a severely messed up person. She is also narcissistic by the way

There is nothing "you did" To cause this. This happened because of the horrible person she is and you just happened to marry her. Don't for a second think you did something that led to her cheating, reality is this is the type of person she is. I am sure she is lying about much more.

Cheating and promiscuous behavior is not uncommon as humans are wired for promiscuity, the concept of marriage/monogamy are very new to mankind. Now with that said there are reason behind people's poor behavior and rather self destructive tendencies. She broke a promise, destroyed a marriage, and did much more with her cheating than i care to explain. 


She is a flawed individual its best you divorce her immediately


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Also there is a difference between the person who cheats after years of failed sex in a marriage, or being neglected/abused etc, VS the person who just gets up and cheats and then lies on top of that to cover themselves. 

What i am trying to say is there is difference in why some people cheat. This does not seem to be the case of the horrible/failed marriage with neglected wife, cheating because she is emotionally starved. This seems more like selfish, evil, narcissistic wife abuses and cheats on overly dependent nice guy. 


I am not trying to be mean just trying to call it as it seems and make you stronger. The last thing you need to do is try and make a relationship with a liar and cheater work.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> My wife is very attractive and is hit on often, at work, at the gym, on a night out. But has never strayed in 17 years. She has no idea why this guys text flirting worked.


You can't assume Sh%t. One week ago you would've never thought she could cheated at all. She will now minimize her actions as much as possible to make in an attempt to spare your feelings. You will only get the truth from what you can prove.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Stop being the "nice guy". STOP seeing her as "your rock". It is YOUR POSITION to be "the rock" in the relationship.

And you see this as "okay, after 17 years a blip". If you dig, there is more there than a "blip". This is like the radar operator on Oahu calling the incoming zeros a "blip".



> I told her I love her too much to let this end our marriage.


Big mistake. HUGE. Monumental. Do you like feeling like this? Do you want it to continue? Then keep telling her you love her too much to let this end your marriage. Even if you do not feel like you want to end it now, YOU SHOULD LEAVE IMMEDIATELY and hand her divorce papers. It will give you time to snap out of your fear of losing her fog, and will show her immediate and severe consequences for betraying you. 

She should be chasing you down the street as you leave, crying, pleading, begging for forgiveness, and worrying she has single handedly destroyed her marriage because she couldn't keep another man's junk out of her trunk, but, instead, she's sitting back thinking "wow, that wasn't so bad. I cheated, and HE's begging ME to stay".

Until you believe you are good enough to NEVER tolerate infidelity, the woman you're with is not going to believe that about you either...and will likely, at some point, take advantage of it.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> WhiteMouse, we probably could all 'do better'. But what if we don't want to 'do better'? What if we want the love of our life to 'do better' for and with us?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No one understands more than I, the pangs and longing to reconcile. I can empathize with the sentiment you have shared, I truly can. But my answer may seem blunt and callous, though I promise you it's not. 

But I am glad that you have, as others usually fail to do, outlined the dilemma exactly; because "not wanting better" is exactly what it is: settling for less. There are essentially two options for the betrayed in this sort of thing: either settle for less and hope that it can mutate into something better, or walk away. The risk of leaving seems insurmountable to the betrayed _but only because they don't understand that they are capable of more._ Your question is predicated on that fear- it is _contingent_ upon that fear. The question you ask wouldn't exist without it. 

Now I can understand the longing to rejoin with the one who hurt us. Because the chemicals in our brains erupt like lesions and we long to recapture the precious moments we foolishly believe mean as much to the wayward as they do to us. But I know, and _you_ know, and every betrayed spouse here knows deep down that this cannot be attained. As I said, at best the situation can transmute into one that is benign and perhaps pleasant. 

You're essentially asking me "What if we don't want to see in color? What if we want to see shale?"

It will never be the same, Matt. No matter what is done. But you can have different-comparable or different-better. May God damn me if I ever judge or belittle anyone who chooses the former, because as I said, I know the pull of that urge extremely well. The memory of the duress alone is enough to jar my mind. But the _best_ things in life are not easy, and they often run contrary to our impulses. 

I don't know your wife, but I know you. And I know that you deserve the best. I don't think you any less intelligent or respectable for your choice to move on with her. But I do hurt for you. 

I hope you never take offense to my advocating divorce, because it doesn't mean that I don't respect you and your choices.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*Sv: Re: Worse day of my life*



drerio said:


> NG joined yesterday had one post, he has not been back on since post number 35... my guess he did not hear what he was hoping for. Maybe he will be back when he realizes that his method of resolution is not working.


Tam as usual scared op off


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

*Re: Sv: Re: Worse day of my life*



Jonesey said:


> Tam as usual scared op off


Not all people who stop posting are scared off. Some number? Sure.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Malcolm38 said:


> I'm the poster boy for rug sweeping.
> 
> Dude, it DOESN'T WORK!
> 
> The only chance you have is to let her know it's him or you. Don't be afraid of the answer, because if you don't ask it'll never be you anyway.


I think I rugswept.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Nice guy said:


> I told her I love her too much to let this end our marriage.
> I currently feel I cannot / do not want to live without her. She is my rock.


That is one of the sweetest, most touching, ways to tell a wife it's ok for her to sleep with other guys, just please don't leave me, I think I've ever heard. 
But like they say about tea and poison Niceguy, your rock would be my quicksand.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

In his defense...could it be he's still trying to deal?


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