# Caught husband soliciting sex on craigslist



## delcatty (Apr 26, 2012)

I need some direction. I have caught my husband over 5 times in our 5 year marriage looking to have sex with other men. He has been on craigs list and I have caught the email exchange. He claims he has never actually met up with any men and acts like he has done nothing wrong by just engaging in email sex talk. I just don't understand why he is interested in other men.I consider myself very open sexually but because of this I am finding myself very withdrawn and closed off in the bedroom. He is finally going to see a counselor but I am so negative on him right now. He has a really high stress job and says he just looks for an escape by doing this. I always thought that I could please my husband but now I don't think I will ever be able to do that. Has anyone had issues with this and if so any advice?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I call BS on him looking to just escape due to his high stress job. If thats the case, he could be doing other things more productive and less damaging to his marriage than looking for men on craigslist. 

Its time to put your foot down. Its good he seeking help with a counselor, but you might need to see one as well. Its very possible he has a problem, do you know if he has any history of sexual abuse in his past?


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## delcatty (Apr 26, 2012)

Yes, he was molested by a man when he was 10.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

delcatty said:


> Yes, he was molested by a man when he was 10.


This is your answer right here. I am glad he is seeking help. I do think you might need to go with him. Even if not to every visit, at least the first one. Try to be as supportive as you can. However keep in mind,that even though this may be the case, is still NOT an excuse for his behavior.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

His behavior is unacceptable, and therapy is exactly where he needs to be.



delcatty said:


> I always thought that I could please my husband but now I don't think I will ever be able to do that.


It's not that you aren't sufficient, it's that he's got issues he needs to work through (and/or possibly bisexual). Try not to be too hard on yourself, this isn't about you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

delcatty said:


> I just don't understand why he is interested in other men


Because he's probably gay. 

Not only that, but he's cheating on you. SOliciting sex from other people who are not YOU is cheating. 

They ALL say that they "never met up with anyone" from online. Every single person who peruses the internet for sex solicitation says that. Every single one.

Question is: why do you tolerate a marriage like this? It's clear he's not as committed to you as you are to him. Unless you're ok with him looking to and probably haivng sex with other men.

Please get tested for STDs and tell him it stops or your'e out. If you even want to stay with him.

5x already you've caught him? I can't imagine how you trust him at all. 5x is a lot. It wasn't a one-off thing and 5x are the only times you even know about. Who knows how many times he's done it or even met with people.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> This is your answer right here.


I respectfully disagree. Plenty of people are molested/abused and don't habitually step out on their partner by soliciting sex from others knowing full well it hurts their partner, especially after the fact.

It's a choice he's making.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I respectfully disagree. Plenty of people are molested/abused and don't habitually step out on their partner by soliciting sex from others knowing full well it hurts their partner, especially after the fact.
> 
> It's a choice he's making.


Read what I wrote again. I was referring to WHY he was looking for men, because of the molestation. Not because its acceptable. I clearly stated that even though that was WHY he was, didn't give him the excuse to continue on with his behavior. She said she didn't understand why I told her WHY. And yes, many people who were molested might not go looking for sex, but some do, luckily he is supposed to be seeking counseling. And yes its a choice, just as anything else is. Hopefully someone can help him.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

To the OP, first off I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm sure its hard. 

Your husband seeking out men on Craigslist is more than likely due to what happened to him in the past. I'm by no means saying its an excuse because its not. Just like people who drink or use drugs, they may have had a bad thing happen or bad childhood, but its their choice on how to deal with it.

Most people who have been through something traumatic usually don't have the best coping skills, there fore they may turn to drugs, alcohol, or even sex as a way to escape. So when he told you he did it to escape, he is partially correct. He IS trying to escape on some level, escape the pain of what happened years ago. 

Its very important that he seek therapy. The right kind of therapy too! He more than likely needs to see a therapist who deals with or specializes in this kind of trauma. Its also important for you to seek therapy as well. You will need a better understanding of this kind of thing. Once again, I'm not saying his behavior is acceptable, but I am saying at least you may now have a little better understanding of what is going on with him.


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## delcatty (Apr 26, 2012)

Thank you for the replies! I guess I am hearing what i already knew. I can't talk with anyone in our family or circle about this because they are very conservative. I guess I just needed to vent, I love my husband but I can't imagine living like this and constantly wondering what he is up too. I hope counseling can help him deal with his issues.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

delcatty said:


> Thank you for the replies! I guess I am hearing what i already knew. I can't talk with anyone in our family or circle about this because they are very conservative. I guess I just needed to vent, I love my husband but I can't imagine living like this and constantly wondering what he is up too. I hope counseling can help him deal with his issues.


Having support is very important. So if you feel you can't talk to your family, then hopefully a counselor will help guide you in the right direction and can provide some info on support groups in your area that may be going through what you are.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Read what I wrote again. I was referring to WHY he was looking for men, because of the molestation. Not because its acceptable. I clearly stated that even though that was WHY he was, didn't give him the excuse to continue on with his behavior. She said she didn't understand why I told her WHY. And yes, many people who were molested might not go looking for sex, but some do, luckily he is supposed to be seeking counseling. And yes its a choice, just as anything else is. Hopefully someone can help him.


Agreed. The only person who can help him though is himself.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He is cheating by doing this for sure. I do think that he needs therapy with someone who specializes in sexual abuse survivors. That is very important. It could be that he is bisexual and he was molested by a man and those two things aren't related. Most survivors are either very shut down sexually or they are over the top out there. I know in my case I feel like doing what I want sexually is reclaiming my own body, my pleasure and defining who I am sexually apart from what happened to me. I think psychologists call that acting out or repeating what happened. 
Good luck, I would also suggest that you get counseling too. I'm sorry you have to go through this. 
Also I have never cheated on anyone and I have never posted ads for sex online as a way to cope with being abused.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I can't be the only person who finds it odd that nearly everyone in this thread assumes the man is soliciting sex on the internet from other men because he was molested a child?

Without further details, nobody has any idea of one correlates strongly with the other. The issue is that the OP can't even get an honest answer from her cheating husband, so I fail to see how any of us, with even less details, could make definitive statements about what's driving this man to seek out sex with other men.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Totally agree ^^


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

delcatty said:


> he just looks for an escape by doing this.


At least he was truthful about this. But to blame it on the high stress job, or childhood molestation, is just to try to divert everyone from the truth about why men, and not women.

I have read of men who were molested as boys being confused about their sexuality. We all know what he experienced really messed with his mind. But childhood abuse happens to gays and bi-sexuals, too, just as it happens to heterosexuals. I hope he is sorting out where he falls on this spectrum.

I also think you shouldn't be so quick to jump to the conclusion that he's never acted on his browsing. Craigslist is not 1-900-dial-a-man so you can talk to a guy in Thailand. Craigslist is the serious sh** for people who mean business about hooking up IN PERSON.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

delcatty said:


> I need some direction. I have caught my husband over 5 times in our 5 year marriage looking to have sex with other men. He has been on craigs list and I have caught the email exchange. He claims he has never actually met up with any men and acts like he has done nothing wrong by just engaging in email sex talk. I just don't understand why he is interested in other men.I consider myself very open sexually but because of this I am finding myself very withdrawn and closed off in the bedroom. He is finally going to see a counselor but I am so negative on him right now. He has a really high stress job and says he just looks for an escape by doing this. I always thought that I could please my husband but now I don't think I will ever be able to do that. Has anyone had issues with this and if so any advice?


Del,

I have great empathy for you. This has got to be a frustrating time for you and I have no doubt it seems like there is little hope. The first thing that went off in my head when I read your post is that there is no way that your husband has done this only 5 times and I believe that he has had sex many times. I hope I am wrong but I seriously doubt it.

Now there is nothing I hate more in this forum than when the commentators jump to the immediate conclusion that infidelity is an absolute start looking for more clues. 

I think that you have an opportunity and I hope that you consider it. After discovering this the lines of communication are so wide open that the opportunity to help both of you heal is greatly increased. 

I think most women would have run down the street screaming with suitcase in hand the first or second time this happened yet you have stayed. It says a great deal to me about your commitment and your compassion. Take the opportunity to help him through this process. Maybe his is gay. I do not know. Maybe he would like nothing more than to work through this, put it behind him and spend the rest of his life looking forward with you at his side. Irregardless tell him you want him to be happy and you want to be happy. You are not sure if that means you are going to be together in the end but you have invested to much together than to walk away from this now with his issue unresolved. If you do I believe it will lead a deep void in both of you.

If you both follow through I believe you both will be enriched by the experience no matter the outcome.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

delcatty said:


> I need some direction. I have caught my husband over 5 times in our 5 year marriage looking to have sex with other men. He has been on craigs list and I have caught the email exchange. He claims he has never actually met up with any men and acts like he has done nothing wrong by just engaging in email sex talk. I just don't understand why he is interested in other men.I consider myself very open sexually but because of this I am finding myself very withdrawn and closed off in the bedroom. He is finally going to see a counselor but I am so negative on him right now. He has a really high stress job and says he just looks for an escape by doing this. I always thought that I could please my husband but now I don't think I will ever be able to do that. Has anyone had issues with this and if so any advice?


I have never looked at having sex with another man. It doesn't mean it has never crossed my mind. We all are human and will think of everything at some time. But looking is different. I would say it is either 1 of 2 things. He wants to have sex with another man, or is using it to fuel a fantasy. To me it sounds like 1! A counselor is the right move and he will be able to get to the answers. Make sure he follows through with it, or you will need to give him some serious consequences.
Good luck!


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

I am no psychologist so I have no idea about the connection between being molested by a man at the age of 10 and how it relates to seeking male hookups on line as an adult? Are you sure he just isnt bisexual or gay? If this the case then therapy is pointless because that is just who he is. 

What other actions does he do that he claims are a result of being molested?

Being molested at any age is horrible but molesting a child is just terrible and everyone should seek counseling to help them deal with those issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

RClawson said:


> Now there is nothing I hate more in this forum than when the commentators jump to the immediate conclusion that infidelity is an absolute start looking for more clues.


I say this with great caring, kindness, and no insult intended to you, RClawson. But I completely disagree with your statement about infidelity. When someone does what this man did (and I could care less about the genders involved), you are risking your life and health over STDs and HIV by assuming that they didn't follow through with what THEY said they WANTED to do in THEIR OWN WORDS. To act otherwise is to be not suspicious, or paranoid--just *profoundly* naive, and I pity the person who doesn't understand this. "Searching" for "clues" indeed! I'd put a rofl smilie here, but I don't want to be insulting.

More power to him for getting counseling. And more power to her for standing by him until she fully understands precisely what is going on and whether she has the strength to continue in the marriage as the situation exists in TRUTH.

But to say oh, everyone just jumps to the conclusion of infidelity--well, I will just repeat the facts as she's given them to us and let the other forum members draw their own conclusions.



The husband was e-mailing local men on Craigslist in response to ads they had posted requesting sex with other local men. 
Here is what happened, over the course of *five years*.

*1.* On occasion #1, she saw that he had emailed the man posting such an ad, and he emailed her husband back to discuss what they might do.

she caught her husband and he presumably said he would stop.


*2.* Then, some time later, she noticed AGAIN that he had emailed someone posting on Craigslist and in his email he said he was interested in sexual acts and the creator of the ad responded with what they could do etc.

she found the emails and he said he would stop.


*3.* More time passed, and she checked his emails, and it turned out he had once more emailed a creator of an ad on Craigslist soliciting sex with men. They exchanged emails concerning what they might do etc.

she found the emails and he said, never again.


*4.* Additional time went by, and once again she found out that he had found an ad on Craigslist from a man soliciting male sex partners, and that he had sent and received emails with this man about the sex acts they would perform.

she found the emails and he said I really really promise to stop.


*5.* Yet more time went by, and she spotted yet another set of emails that her husband had sent to someone who had created an ad on Craigslist requesting sex with men.


This could all be a fantasy in his mind. I concede that _entirely_. But I don't think anyone should risk their life and health--by--to quote you--"jumping to that conclusion."


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## zoobykaluba (Sep 14, 2012)

Please don't take my response as being thoughtless or careless. Unfortunately for you there is no amount or type of therapy/counseling that is going to generate the results you're probably hoping for.
I can tell you without any hesitation that your husband is gay. It's only been recently where the lifestyle has been accepted/tolerated as openly as it is. If your husband is 50 or older it's far more likely that he would not have been provided a means to act on these desires. Unlike women, heterosexual men are incapable being sexually attracted to other men. It's a femininity vs masculinity issue where there shouldn't be one. It's not to say that a heterosexual male is incapable of performing sexual acts with another male. It may not feel like it but the only outcome that will be the right one isn't going to have the two of you together. I'm very sorry


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## acertriplex (Dec 15, 2012)

I too am married and have been caught on Craigslist soliciting sex from men by my wife. I pulled the same defense as your husband and said that I only was emailing and not meeting them. I was guilty thow and chances are he is too. However I can tell you that I love my wife dearly and don't want to lose her. Sex to a man means nothing like it does to a woman. I just wanted to get a quick jolly off vs. making love to my wife to me one had nothing to do with the other. Chances are he loves you just like I love my wife. He doesn't want to loose you but I can say with me it was a needed impulse thing. I don't know if this helps but if you want anymore advice feel free to contact me.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

acertriplex said:


> I too am married and have been caught on Craigslist soliciting sex from men by my wife. I pulled the same defense as your husband and said that I only was emailing and not meeting them. I was guilty thow and chances are he is too. However I can tell you that I love my wife dearly and don't want to lose her. Sex to a man means nothing like it does to a woman. I just wanted to get a quick jolly off vs. making love to my wife to me one had nothing to do with the other. Chances are he loves you just like I love my wife. He doesn't want to loose you but I can say with me it was a needed impulse thing. I don't know if this helps but if you want anymore advice feel free to contact me.


Do you classify yourself as any particular sexual orientation? 

How did your wife handle this? Is it destroying your marriage?


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