# Sexting An Old Friend



## Babygotback (Jul 11, 2019)

Hey all,
Sorry for the length, want to give adequate details for clarity.
Me 46, married for almost 8 years to my H who is 53. 
This is his first marriage, but he had a couple LTRs. We're from the same small town and have known each other for 35ish years. He was my sister's best guy friend for 30 years ...so you get the picture- I feel I know him pretty well (so I thought).

I was married to my HS sweetheart for 17 years. We divorced because he had a mistress he decided he wanted to be with. After our divorce I found out he'd had several EAs (quite possibly PAs) throughout our marriage. The whole divorce experience was very painful, but I had a great counselor and amazing friends who helped me come out much stronger and more independent than I had ever been. 

My current H and I have what I considered to be a very good and pretty easy marriage. I have 3 kids who are now grown who love him and have expressed their love and appreciation for his role as a stepdad. We have always gotten along very well. We don't really argue, are both easygoing, generally optimistic, have similar values, and make each other laugh. 

About 2.5 years ago he was diagnosed with PTSD due to his job as a first responder. His personality had changed somewhat (isolating himself some, less patience, frustration with things that never bothered him before). He started therapy and medication and continues both to this day. His PTSD is much better and most of the day to day symptoms are gone. 

This past January, he was asleep (worked nights, slept days) and his phone was near me in the livingroom. He kept getting notifications so I picked it up to check it. There was a FB message from a woman (I'll call her A) that we have both known for years that just said "Does your wife have access to your phone?". I immediately got a sick feeling. So I replied as if I were him, and said "no, why?". She said that some woman had texted her anonymously saying to basically "leave my man alone or I'll kick your a..". She said that the message could have only been from 2 women - with me being one of them. I played along for a bit, pretending to be my H, seeing if she'd say anything else more detailed. I asked her for a pic but she said she looked terrible that day because she was sick. She never sent a pic that day while I had his phone, nor any other messages. 

My oldest daughter and her boyfriend came over to watch football with us, so I didnt get to ask my H about the FB messages until that evening. He was adamant that she must've messaged the wrong person, that nothing was going on, that he'd told her happy birthday and that was it. (On a side note, there were NO FB messages between them on his phone so I knew he deleted whatever he did send to her.)

Fast forward to March 13th. I get a FB message from A with screenshots of messages my H had sent to her early that morning. He told her that it was me who replied to her in January. Then he said she owed him a flirt session. She asked what he was doing and he said "masturbating, lol". He told her I would be awake soon so she should reply ASAP. She didn't reply so he sent a few more messages asking if she was still there. She didn't respond. After a few more minutes he told her that I was getting up so not to send anything. 

I asked A if my H had sent pictures and she said no, that they'd never shared pics. She said that every few months he would PM her via FB to chat and flirt but that was it. My H was asleep but I woke him up and showed him the screenshots. He minimized it, swore he was joking/trying to be funny with her, that it was nothing. Then he went back to sleep since he had to work another 12 hr shift that night.

I reached back out to A a couple days later. My H was still adamant that he rarely talked to her, it was always innocent, and that he had deleted their convo because he knew it would upset me since my ex-husband did similar stuff when he was cheating. I asked A for screenshots of all their conversations. She sent a few that appeared to be missing messages....like what she sent me had been edited. Last April, he messaged her and simply said "Let me know if you want to play a little". She didn't reply, according to the screenshots. 
A few months later he messaged her to ask how her surgery went. A couple months after that, another message that seemed generic (how are you, etc). She again swore they never sent pics and that he would message randomly every couple months, usually when he was working at night. 

We started marriage counseling in late April. He still says they never sexted. He doesn't have a logical answer for his message last April ("let me know if you want to play a little"). He admits he's always felt insecure, that he thinks he married above his station, and that he thought I'd end up leaving him for someone better someday. He says I've never given him any reason to believe that or doubt my loyalty to him.

He does admit that he was selfish and deceitful. And has agreed that it was an EA. He immediately deleted all of his social media accounts on March 13th (the day A sent me the screenshots) and did so before we even talked about it. He even went through his phone contacts and deleted every woman that wasn't family or a required contact for work. I didn't ask him to do that, either. 

I believe he hasn't spoken to A since March 13th. He seems remorseful and guilty. He is doing whatever I ask of him in therapy and working to be a better H. He is still working through stuff with his PTSD therapist as well. 

My issue is that I'm 99% sure I don't have the whole story. The FB message he sent to A last April asking her to "play" isn't something you'd randomly say to an old friend who you had never spoken to that way. I'm sure they'd "played" before....but he absolutely swears they didn't. My guess is that this has been going on for our entire relationship, but I'll never be able to prove it. 

I'm struggling with working through this because I feel he's still lying about the messages (content, timeframes, etc). I think he's doing so to protect me from additional hurt. But I can't convince him that knowing the whole story will likely hurt less than where my imagination goes. 

I'm also struggling with the fact that he knew what my ex-husband did (which included hiding FB messages and emails with other women), yet he chose to do the same thing. How can I reconcile that in my mind?

I know the PTSD isn't an excuse. Neither is his low self-esteem. I do think they played a part in his crappy choices. 

How long should I continue to try and work through this? Is it possible to move past it if I never feel like I have the full truth?
Can I put something on his phone to retrieve every single FB message he's sent, even if they've been deleted for months, maybe years? I just feel like I need proof of the truth. 

Thanks for reading - you deserve an award for patience for making it to the end.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Thing is, if you really feel deep down that you don't have the full truth, chances are that you probably truly don't. But there's no way he'll tell you unless you have evidence. And even then, you'll probably never get the full story at all.

That's going to be something to consider if you can live with. Otherwise, if you stuff that feeling down, it'll keep eating at you.

He really needs to sort through his PTSD and low self-esteem, and how to better cope with them. Or you might just have a repeat of history later.

Maybe a bit of blunt advice from me but do with it what you will: Tell him that every time he chooses to omit the full truth from you, he chooses to protect _himself_, rather than make amends with you. 

Because what I've read from many stories, people couldn't reconcile without full disclosure.

And I'm a little wary of that little tidbit that yet another person told A to 'stay away from your man', meaning A wasn't the only one.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is deceitful. 

It is highly likely that he did send messages of a sexual nature.

We are here for you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, he's not hiding what he did to protect you. He's hiding that because he fears you'll leave him and he doesn't want a divorce. Few cheaters will admit more than their spouse can prove and even then they usually minimize their actions and/or continue to lie about what happened. He's protecting himself -- not you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How long you should continue to try? Some betrayed spouses are done immediately and some try for years (I was one of those who tried and it didn't work because the situation eventually repeated). Why did he do it when he knew your history? He obviously didn't expect you to find out. How to go forward without knowing the truth? That's very hard to do but some do manage to. Trust that's destroyed is difficult to get back (often impossible) and you'll very likely never again trust him the way you did before you found out. Only you know if all the time and effort and energy that's necessary to repair your marriage is worth it or if he's worth it. It takes a tremendous amount of work and if he's not 100% involved and truthful then it's that much harder to even stay, let alone succeed.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Is a polygraph an option?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Openminded said:


> No, he's not hiding what he did to protect you. He's hiding that because he fears you'll leave him and he doesn't want a divorce. Few cheaters will admit more than their spouse can prove and even then they usually minimize their actions and/or continue to lie about what happened. He's protecting himself -- not you.


Well, he *might* be doing it to protect her. 

But! That only works if the wronged spouse wants that type of protection. Many want the truth so they can be able to move forward one way or another.


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## Babygotback (Jul 11, 2019)

OnTheFly said:


> Is a polygraph an option?


I mentioned that right after I got the screenshots and he was minimizing the situation. He wasn't open to it - he's in law enforcement and isn't 100% sold on their reliability (especially since they're not admissible in court). One of his therapists told me that I should consider having evidence retrieved from his phone. My H didn't seem opposed to it, but didn't volunteer to do it, either. I'm not sure what he'd say now if I decided to do it. And I have no idea how.


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## Babygotback (Jul 11, 2019)

Spoons027 said:


> Thing is, if you really feel deep down that you don't have the full truth, chances are that you probably truly don't. But there's no way he'll tell you unless you have evidence. And even then, you'll probably never get the full story at all.
> 
> That's going to be something to consider if you can live with. Otherwise, if you stuff that feeling down, it'll keep eating at you.
> 
> ...


Yes, that is my biggest hurdle - if I never see the messages they shared to get the whole story can I ever move past this? I'm highly analytical and need to understand the hows and whys. Without that, I'm not sure I can ever be happy with him again. Additionally, I feel there's a high risk of repeat behavior in the future if he doesn't have insight and understanding of why he did it.

He has been working through his PTSD for 2.5 years and continues to do so with an individual therapist who specializes in treating first responders. He is doing EMDR and the flashbacks and nightmares are almost gone. He is also working on his poor self-esteem and negative feelings with his therapist as well as with our marriage counselor.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Babygotback said:


> I mentioned that right after I got the screenshots and he was minimizing the situation. He wasn't open to it - he's in law enforcement and isn't 100% sold on their reliability (especially since they're not admissible in court). One of his therapists told me that I should consider having evidence retrieved from his phone. My H didn't seem opposed to it, but didn't volunteer to do it, either. I'm not sure what he'd say now if I decided to do it. And I have no idea how.


There is program out there called Dr Fone. If he has nothing more to hide he should have no problem doing it.

Here's the thing: You don't need HIM to initiate making you feel safe at this point. If you want it, do it. 

And schedule a polygraphy no matter what he says. Don't tell him until you are in the parking lot. That can spark a whole lot of confession.


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## Babygotback (Jul 11, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> There is program out there called Dr Fone. If he has nothing more to hide he should have no problem doing it.
> 
> Here's the thing: You don't need HIM to initiate making you feel safe at this point. If you want it, do it.
> 
> And schedule a polygraphy no matter what he says. Don't tell him until you are in the parking lot. That can spark a whole lot of confession.



I'll do some research on Dr Fone. He has an Android- wonder if everything is saved in the cloud?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Babygotback said:


> I'll do some research on Dr Fone. He has an Android- wonder if everything is saved in the cloud?


It could be

One of the things to remember is that he has a vested interest in pacifying you into NOT investigating. If your gut is uncomfortable, then you investigate, whether HE likes it or not.


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## Babygotback (Jul 11, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> It could be
> 
> One of the things to remember is that he has a vested interest in pacifying you into NOT investigating. If your gut is uncomfortable, then you investigate, whether HE likes it or not.


Yes, you're right. 
My intuition has never led me astray.


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## Babygotback (Jul 11, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> It could be
> 
> One of the things to remember is that he has a vested interest in pacifying you into NOT investigating. If your gut is uncomfortable, then you investigate, whether HE likes it or not.


I'm going to try the Dr Fone thing tonight when he gets home from work. He has agreed to it without hesitation. Hoping I can get it to work and be able to retrieve all the deleted FB messages between them. 

He also asked me to send him the screenshots that A sent to me so he can show them to his individual therapist. He says he wants to delve more deeply into his thought processes to understand why he was so "selfish and stupid" (his words).

Wish me luck.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Babygotback said:


> I'm going to try the Dr Fone thing tonight when he gets home from work. He has agreed to it without hesitation. Hoping I can get it to work and be able to retrieve all the deleted FB messages between them.
> 
> He also asked me to send him the screenshots that A sent to me so he can show them to his individual therapist. He says he wants to delve more deeply into his thought processes to understand why he was so "selfish and stupid" (his words).
> 
> Wish me luck.


He has agreed because he knows that you will find nothing. 
For Dr Fone or any other of these apps to work the messages have to be still stored somewhere. For you to retrieve them you will need to find the conversation and then send another message to the recipient. If his “friend” has also deleted her side of the conversation then that’s the end of it. 
Facebook permanently deletes messages from their own storage after ninety days and even a court order won’t change this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Really though, all this sidebar stuff said, it's just unacceptable to sext with previous girlfriends/boyfriends after one is married or pre-marriage planning exclusive.


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## Babygotback (Jul 11, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> He has agreed because he knows that you will find nothing.
> For Dr Fone or any other of these apps to work the messages have to be still stored somewhere. For you to retrieve them you will need to find the conversation and then send another message to the recipient. If his “friend” has also deleted her side of the conversation then that’s the end of it.
> Facebook permanently deletes messages from their own storage after ninety days and even a court order won’t change this.


I didn't know this. Thought I read somewhere here on a TAM post that Dr Fone was able to retrieve all deleted texts, messenger messages, WhatsApp stuff, etc. I have no idea if she (A) still has them as I've obviously not communicated with her at all since the day she sent the screenshots, which was mid-March.

He seemed clueless about the possibility of even retrieving deleted messages. He asked if I needed his phone to take it to AT&T to do it. I honestly don't think he knows anything about how it works, so I don't think he's being manipulative that way. I didn't know about it either until recently, after reading on here that it can be done. 

I'll have to do some more reading about the capabilities, or lack thereof, of Dr Fone or any options for retrieval of deleted messenger messages. 

Thanks for the heads up.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Did he heavily OLD for many years while he was single? Sometimes they almost get addicted to “the chase”, or by feeding their ego off of how many women are talking to them. Maybe he has had a hard time giving this up...and is continuing it in other ways now FB etc.


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## Katiex (Jul 13, 2019)

He is definitely hiding something. You will be hurt even more trying to uncover all these old texts. I do believe he should commit to being transparent and honest about his texting and computer habits and quit communication with other women.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

Don't depend on spell check!


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

@Babygotback

Technology professional here. 

1) Dr. Fone sucks. Use Fonelab, it has an Android version.

2) @Andy1001 is incorrect about how phone recovery software works. (Sorry Andy, no offense!)

Texts on your phone are stored on your phone's internal storage. They MAY ALSO be stored in the cloud if the phone user is not security-savvy.

When a text message, or another file type is deleted, it is not truly deleted. It is "marked as deleted".

It will sit on the phones storage until the need for space causes it to be permanently deleted. 

However, file recovery is always dodgy; files become corrupt. Sometimes they are just unrecoverable.

But it is worth a shot. You can recover deleted texts, images, videos, cheater app messages, pretty much anything!

And if your cheating husband has old phones lying around, run recoveries on them too!

Good luck @Babygotback - I like your name - and I like chicks who got much back!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Babygotback said:


> He seemed clueless about the possibility of even retrieving deleted messages. He asked if I needed his phone to take it to AT&T to do it. I honestly don't think he knows anything about how it works, so I don't think he's being manipulative that way. I didn't know about it either until recently, after reading on here that it can be done.


Speaking of AT&T -- what you CAN do is contact them and pull the old phone logs. If he texted her, it will show up, and you can see just how many texts they exchanged and at what time.

If it was all FB messenger though, you may be out of luck. I don't know about Dr. Phone, but if the messages are stored on FB's server (as opposed to literally on the data card in his phone) once they are deleted, I imagine they are GONE. I don't think it's like an email or document that was stored on a computer and can be recovered. It is possible to archive FB Messenger messages, but if he did that, I'm sure he's deleted them by now.

Based on what you DID discover, It sounds like he was definitely sexting with this woman or at least trying to. And she sounds like she was game at least at some point.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

faithfulman said:


> @Babygotback
> 
> Technology professional here.
> 
> ...


No offense taken. 
I wasn’t talking about text messages though, I was talking about Facebook.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> No offense taken.
> I wasn’t talking about text messages though, I was talking about Facebook.



My bad yo.


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