# Just Seperated and Very sad and unsure of things. When will husband listen to me??



## Pinkk (Nov 23, 2012)

Ok so i have posted in the considering separation before now im here. My husband went to a motel last night for a week to think about stuff. We been together 7 years, have kids together and one on the way. He doesn't feel i show him love or even love him. I can tell him a million times how feel and he doesn't believe it seems. i get soo mad. He doesn't think i will change the way i am. I do show him, just not enough i guess. He has ALWAYS wanted to be with me and always said he wouldn't leave me. So all this is not sounding like him. He said he was done trying and doesn't care anymore if we are not together. I want to be with him still and i am soo upset. What the hell can i do? We have a appt for marriage counseling next week and i hope he will keep going after the first visit. I want us both to love each other more and show it more. We need communication skills, etc. But he thinks things will stay the same and he cant deal with being depressed everyday. Any one else dealing with something like this? How do I without repeatedly telling him how i feel and what i want and him dismissing it and not listening? I'm so upset, i feel sick all day.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

First thing that comes to my mind dear is the book The 5 Love Languages. 

go pick it up. read it. Apply it. 

Then Divorce Remedy. 

Ask your counselor if they're Pro-Marriage. Get an opinion. If they say "Sure" or "yes" Pay attention to how they answer, see if you believe it. Some counselors are quick to jump to telling you to divorce w/o trying to find solutions. 

MAKE SURE there's no one else. Lots of times that's the case. 

Good luck.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Pinkk said:


> Ok so i have posted in the considering separation before now im here. My husband went to a motel last night for a week to think about stuff. We been together 7 years, have kids together and one on the way. He doesn't feel i show him love or even love him. I can tell him a million times how feel and he doesn't believe it seems. i get soo mad. He doesn't think i will change the way i am. I do show him, just not enough i guess. He has ALWAYS wanted to be with me and always said he wouldn't leave me. So all this is not sounding like him. He said he was done trying and doesn't care anymore if we are not together. I want to be with him still and i am soo upset. What the hell can i do? We have a appt for marriage counseling next week and i hope he will keep going after the first visit. I want us both to love each other more and show it more. We need communication skills, etc. But he thinks things will stay the same and *he cant deal with being depressed everyday. *Any one else dealing with something like this? How do I without repeatedly telling him how i feel and what i want and him dismissing it and not listening? I'm so upset, i feel sick all day.


So sorry you are here, Pinkk. The part I bolded is very significant. Is he in any kind of individual counseling, and is he getting any medical treatment for his depression? This is crucial -- marriage counseling, you doing everything short of standing on your head is not going to save your marriage if he is depressed. 

I've recommended this man's blog in the past, as I think it gives a unique perspective on the role depression, particularly a husband's depression plays in a relationship. 
He writes very clearly and compassionately. 

Also, this book may be of help to you:
How You Can Survive When They're Depressed (free preview available at Amazon -- also issued under the title Depression Fallout)
There is a forum that goes along with it here.

I'm so sorry that this is happening right now, when your pregnancy should be bringing the two of you closer to together. You certainly don't need more on your hands.

I hope this helps a little. Please keep posting. ((hugs))


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## Pinkk (Nov 23, 2012)

I guess he is depressed cause how he thinks i dont want him or love him. I never knew he was depressed about it. I know his feeling now cause i feel depressed from everything thats going on. I just want it to get better and for him to listen to me and try to work on things. I cant make him but i dont know..its hard.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

No, you can't _make_ him get treatment. It is his responsibility, but it sounds like he at least needs to check into it. Having an attitude where nothing is going to get better guarantees that that's the way it will be. 

Would he be open to talking to someone on his own, either a doctor or a counselor?


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Other than telling him you love him, how do you show him?


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

any thought that there is a OW in the picture? I am in the divorce process, and my STBXW has told me contantly that i dont love her...only to find out that this is an excuse to help her justify her EA/PA with OM. Just a thought....


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## Pinkk (Nov 23, 2012)

Garry2012 said:


> any thought that there is a OW in the picture? I am in the divorce process, and my STBXW has told me contantly that i dont love her...only to find out that this is an excuse to help her justify her EA/PA with OM. Just a thought....


I asked him already and he says no. That he only wanted me. And as for showing him, i give him a hug or a kiss sometimes. But he wants to cuddle a lot or wants me to enjoy sex all the time, or be touchy feely a lot. What I do is i guess not enough. And im not like that all the time. I dont think he will talk to someone by himself. But when we go to counseling together maybe the marriage counselor can talk to him individually as well.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

If you figure out what to do to make it better, let me know. We have a similar situation. It make little difference how many time my wife tells me, I just don't see it from her actions.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Sounds to me still like the book 5 Love Languages can really help.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Well, just saying, my STBXW denied it too, several times too...over several months while she "didnt know" what our relationship status was. Then, at the urging of folks on here, I caught her on a VAR talking to the OM. I was just plan B.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

It is not a good idea to have the MC work with either of you individually. He needs his own C. 

It sounds like your H is needing something more from you and is not able to communicate it effectively in a way that you can understand. You should bring that up right at your first session as it is important.

You should encourage your H to see a doctor about his depression. Make sure that you communicate that is it a concern but not is fault and is not the cause of all the problems in your marriage. I say that because one is less likely to get help if they feel they are being told the problem is them and that something is wrong with them. 

MC should be able to help you navigate and learn to better communicate, help you both figure out the others needs and how best to meet those needs.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Pinkk said:


> I asked him already and he says no. That he only wanted me. And as for showing him, i give him a hug or a kiss sometimes. But he wants to cuddle a lot or wants me to enjoy sex all the time, or be touchy feely a lot. What I do is i guess not enough. And im not like that all the time. I dont think he will talk to someone by himself. But when we go to counseling together maybe the marriage counselor can talk to him individually as well.


Admitting there is a posOW is rare.

You'd be surprised what a little digging would uncover.


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## Pinkk (Nov 23, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> Admitting there is a posOW is rare.
> 
> You'd be surprised what a little digging would uncover.


Well he is a good guy and says he never would. I want to believe him. He is usually always with me and the kids other than work. I do sometimes check his phone, or ask him and it bugs him cause he says i dont trust him and he is sick of me saying about someone else. So, i guess i got to believe him.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Zappy882000 said:


> I burn....burm and burn......
> 
> My soul burns......


Come on, Usher.

Get yourself together.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Pinkk said:


> Well he is a good guy and says he never would. I want to believe him. He is usually always with me and the kids other than work. I do sometimes check his phone, or ask him and it bugs him cause he says i dont trust him and he is sick of me saying about someone else. So, i guess i got to believe him.


Sorry, but this doesnt flywith me. My STBXW told me for 12 years: "If you ever want to cheat on me, just leave me first". This was a woman who absolutley adored me for 11-12 years. Trust me, I NEVER would have suspected her...NEVER. Like they say in the Auditing world "trust but verify". First day, first day I put down the VAR, I got a 20 minute call recorded with OM. He was "in her head", which is why she needed space from me. Try not to be naive.

Oh, and it was on a phone other than her iphone which she knows i can see the calls...so she bought a burner phone to hide the conversations.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Pinkk said:


> Well he is a good guy and says he never would. I want to believe him. He is usually always with me and the kids other than work. I do sometimes check his phone, or ask him and it bugs him cause he says i dont trust him and he is sick of me saying about someone else. So, i guess i got to believe him.


As per 180 :



> Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.


so, your call !


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

IMO It sounds like the guy needs to find out how to make himself happy first and not be pushing all the blame on you. Usually when someone is putting enough effort into a relationship they feel love for the other person. 

Just because he isn't having a all out affair doesn't mean there isn't someone he isn't getting close too emotionally and wants to be with. 

What does he want you to do to show how much you love him? For most guys just a good sex life and a little flirting works wonders. Men aren't as complicated as women in that regard.


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## Pinkk (Nov 23, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> IMO It sounds like the guy needs to find out how to make himself happy first and not be pushing all the blame on you. Usually when someone is putting enough effort into a relationship they feel love for the other person.
> 
> Just because he isn't having a all out affair doesn't mean there isn't someone he isn't getting close too emotionally and wants to be with.
> 
> What does he want you to do to show how much you love him? For most guys just a good sex life and a little flirting works wonders. Men aren't as complicated as women in that regard.


Pretty much that and kissing more, being able to hold me more. I can be moody sometime fyi so i can be hard to handle sometimes and i know that. To everyone that says he might be cheating, i guess you got cheated on so you figure thats what everyone does. I do trust him and trust me im someone who checks things out, will be suspicious and ask him questions. He doesn't like that i dont trust him sometimes and says that i say about another person all time. which i dont all the time. Emotionally is a good point, with someone else. But in all reality he only goes to work and home. So unless its someone at work then its no one else. I dont know, i think he is just done with feeling unloved and depressed. And i dont want him to feel like that. It kind of makes me wonder how this came up kind of quickly but we do have children and i know he wouldnt jeopardize our family for someone else, esp when he wouldnt want me with anyone else.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Pinkk said:


> Pretty much that and kissing more, being able to hold me more. I can be moody sometime fyi so i can be hard to handle sometimes and i know that. To everyone that says he might be cheating, i guess you got cheated on so you figure thats what everyone does. I do trust him and trust me im someone who checks things out, will be suspicious and ask him questions. He doesn't like that i dont trust him sometimes and says that i say about another person all time. which i dont all the time. Emotionally is a good point, with someone else. But in all reality he only goes to work and home. So unless its someone at work then its no one else. I dont know, i think he is just done with feeling unloved and depressed. And i dont want him to feel like that. It kind of makes me wonder how this came up kind of quickly but we do have children and i know he wouldnt jeopardize our family for someone else, esp when he wouldnt want me with anyone else.


I hope to God your husband won't turn out like mine. If I had ANY idea that our marriage was in trouble, i would have found TAM much sooner and maybe I could have done something to save our marriage. You found TAM for a reason, there's something in you that know something isn't clicking. My husband told me all the things yours told you. I believed him. He did nothing but go to work and come home. He also told me that he was depressed with work, feeling unloved when I did everything he asked and more. It got to a point where I was walking on eggshells! I asked him several times if there was someone else. He always assured me that there wasn't anyone and that he loved me and the family SO MUCH that he would NEVER do anything to jepordize it. Well, guess what happened? I found out all that time, there was someone else! He chose her and we are in a middle of a divorce now.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Garry2012 said:


> Sorry, but this doesnt flywith me. My STBXW told me for 12 years: "If you ever want to cheat on me, just leave me first". This was a woman who absolutley adored me for 11-12 years. Trust me, I NEVER would have suspected her...NEVER.


 Exact same situation for me. Same words spoke, same amount of time together. 

I've got to agree with Gary and LW4.5. Maybe there isn't someone else, but I would work under the assumption that there probably is if I were you ... If for no other reason than to save yourself the heartache if you later find out there is.

Unfortunately, the way we are wired as humans (most of us anyway), we carry string bonds with one other person. If those bonds get damaged or interrupted we reform them somewhere else when the opportunity presents itself. The HUGE majority of people on here have spouses who are having affairs. 

That, unfortunately, just seems to be the way it works. I wish it wasn't, as I'd feel better knowing my marriage (that I thought was perfect literally the day before I found evidence of her affair) ended because she wasn't happy with me, rather than someone convinced her she wasn't happy/could be happier with them.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Pinkk said:


> Pretty much that and kissing more, being able to hold me more. I can be moody sometime fyi so i can be hard to handle sometimes and i know that. To everyone that says he might be cheating, i guess you got cheated on so you figure thats what everyone does. I do trust him and trust me im someone who checks things out, will be suspicious and ask him questions. He doesn't like that i dont trust him sometimes and says that i say about another person all time. which i dont all the time. Emotionally is a good point, with someone else. But in all reality he only goes to work and home. So unless its someone at work then its no one else. I dont know, i think he is just done with feeling unloved and depressed. And i dont want him to feel like that. It kind of makes me wonder how this came up kind of quickly but we do have children and i know he wouldnt jeopardize our family for someone else, esp when he wouldnt want me with anyone else.


We think he might be cheating because it is very common, and usually a reason for why they are pushing you away. Obviously its your decision, but everything you say about how you trust him, how he would never want to lose his family etc, it something we maybe all (I sure did) thought at one point too. I would have staked my life on the fact that my STBXW would never do what she is doing. I am not saying he is, but don't be so trusting and naive either. Blindly saying he would never do this or that, to me, is just burying your head in the sand and hoping. Which I kinda did for a while too....so I know where your coming from.

I asked her: "are you looking to date anyone?"--her response "*who? they guy who mows the lawn next door? no i am not!"*
The next week I recorded her talkiing to her boyfriend. So, i guess she meant, she wasnt going to date ANOTHER GUY? Just her current bf? lol


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