# Weird/awkward zone



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

My DH and I have had a ton of sexual problems. We went to MC. Only thing that made them less severe was a bit of time and distance. He had really disgusted me because all he used to do is have me give him a handjob. He said it was due to early ejac. Anyway.. Things were getting a bit better. I mean we had several quickies in one month in the closet when child was playing. I am not sure why that made things more normal.. But it did. 

Fast forward. We started talking about having another child. Last "talk" was that he was "unsure" and we should continue "talking" which never happened. 

Now.. It's been more than a month since we've had sex. Last time he groped me was in the bathroom while I had a pore cleansing strip on my nose and he had just woken up our son who was about to come down the hall. When I nicely said not now... He made some crack about how he has been locked out and there's a secret code he doesn't have.

It's so awkward. I can't talk to him anymore about it. He is so passive aggressive. 

Am I in the wrong here?
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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Would love some insight?



ConcernedinMO said:


> My DH and I have had a ton of sexual problems. We went to MC. Only thing that made them less severe was a bit of time and distance. He had really disgusted me because all he used to do is have me give him a handjob. He said it was due to early ejac. Anyway.. Things were getting a bit better. I mean we had several quickies in one month in the closet when child was playing. I am not sure why that made things more normal.. But it did.
> 
> Fast forward. We started talking about having another child. Last "talk" was that he was "unsure" and we should continue "talking" which never happened.
> 
> ...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I feel like I've read this post before. De ja vu.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Do you initiate? the comment about the secret code tells me he's frustrated with the lack of frequency. A month without sex is not normal. It's horrible in fact. I suspect that his confidence is at an all time low with that kind of frequency. Especially if the last time he tried you rejected him. If I'm rejected I will not initiate again until she does.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Do you initiate? the comment about the secret code tells me he's frustrated with the lack of frequency. A month without sex is not normal. It's horrible in fact. I suspect that his confidence is at an all time low with that kind of frequency. Especially if the last time he tried you rejected him. If I'm rejected I will not initiate again until she does.


My husband says the same thing. When I had an IUD, often when he initiated I would say no because of the intense pain it often caused. I couldn't help the pain, but after two or three times of "no" in succession, he stopped trying to initiate. I got upset once and asked him why he stopped and he very calmly told me exactly what you said. I haven't said no to him without offering some other form of sexual experience(or, at least, promised him one at a later, but not distant, time) since then. And he pursues me quite often now. 

OP-offer explanations as to the "not now" responses. Your husband can't read your mind. He doesn't automatically know that the pore cleansing strip and your son being up mean "not now". So explain it to him. 

Also, do you flirt with him at all? Do you flash him sexy smiles or send him sexy texts? I know my husband loves it when our sexual relationship isn't merely confined to the bedroom. Perhaps that could help your husband to feel that you're not "locked"? I think women sometimes(me included) assume that their husbands "just know" when something is either bothering them, or is effecting their desire to have sex. I know my husband is, usually, not in tune to these things without me communicating the hows and whys. 

I don't think you're necessarily "in the wrong", but neither is your husband. It sounds as if he doesn't know how to read you, and negative experienes and things are _*always*_ easier to focus on. He needs to see something positive in the sexual area of your relationship so that he feels loved and desired.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm a little confused about the sex in the closet thing... Do you not have any privacy in your bedroom?

C


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Well do you want him to be more manly and take charge. If so just tell him to quit acting so whishy washy and to take what he wants. I noticed that when I am more decisive my wife is much more into it. However she has some issues with her ex that prevent her from not having some form of control.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

My husband has approached me for a quickie in the closet when our son is in the next room. I don't know what it was all about but I was trying to avoid refusing him. 




badbane said:


> Well do you want him to be more manly and take charge. If so just tell him to quit acting so whishy washy and to take what he wants. I noticed that when I am more decisive my wife is much more into it. However she has some issues with her ex that prevent her from not having some form of control.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Why in the closet? Is that some kind of kink or fetish? If not.... ummm locks.... for the bedroom door.
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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I hear you. I think the reason is that he doesn't want time to matter. If I insist on anything other than the closet he gets uncomfortable. I think he thinks it HAS to be quick (and not female centered) in close quarters. No pressure for him and no enjoyment for me. 


QUOTE=Gaia;989382]Why in the closet? Is that some kind of kink or fetish? If not.... ummm locks.... for the bedroom door.
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Geeze.... sounds like he might have some issues.....have you tried being assertive about .. say... doing it on the bed? Instead of the closet?
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## donders (May 9, 2012)

Wait til the kids asleep, get a baby monitor so you won't be surprised, and come out of the closet.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Actually I think It helped him because he didn't feel pressured to perform. But now you can understand possibly why Its been a month since the last time... There is NOTHING for me. We have talked about this. But he has said anytime I make suggestions etc that I make him feel like he's not good enough. So I stopped saying anything. I was always SO nice and waited until later. But he just gets uncomfortable and passive aggressive. "sorry I'm not good enough for you" kinda comments. Ugh. 




Gaia said:


> Geeze.... sounds like he might have some issues.....have you tried being assertive about .. say... doing it on the bed? Instead of the closet?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Actually I think It helped him because he didn't feel pressured to perform. But now you can understand possibly why Its been a month since the last time... There is NOTHING for me. We have talked about this. But he has said anytime I make suggestions etc that I make him feel like he's not good enough. So I stopped saying anything. I was always SO nice and waited until later. But he just gets uncomfortable and passive aggressive. "sorry I'm not good enough for you" kinda comments. Ugh.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


NOw I think I understand his "secret code" comment, he doesn't understand how to read you. He doesn't understand how to please you. It sounds like you need to have a detailed sexual talk, tell him specifically what you love that turns you on that he does, get him out of that "not good enough for you" mindset. What is happened is you are stuck in a cycle of he doesn't know how to turn you on and when he is turned on you are not, timing is wrong and rejection is happening and he is confused, hence the "secret code" comment and you not having any enjoyment out of sex. I think the closet moments were strictly for his enjoyment and he was manning up in a sense and taking it despite the kid in the next room and getting his desire fulfilled. (Although standing up can be very difficult for a woman to get off).... In any case, I would have this discussion tell him you want to share with him the things he does that you like, and ask him to share the same with you. Then say ok, now let's talk about what we can improve. Use I feel statements so it is not seen as an attack (example I feel confused when you try to come on to me when our son is coming down the hallway, do you really want sex, or are you building anticipation). You will notice he will mimic this and tell you how he feels about certain situations a bit more without realizing he is sharing feelings. Share with him that you want more pleasure out of your sexual encounters and ways he can do this. You mentioned performance problems, what do you mean by that. Is he coming too early? Lead up with more foreplay, let him know you need foreplay and then you should be able to cum sooner or with him... so that isn't an issue. Or he can get you off in other ways, guide him, tell him in detail what you would like.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Except that it's kind of hard to have a frank talk about it when we does the passive agressive 'well i'm not good enough for you' BS.

This is definitely a weird one. The guy has problems.

You know, passive aggressiveness is the tool of the nice guy. Perhaps OP can read "no more mr. nice guy" (it's on Amazon) to get some insight into why he's acting that way. I'm sure it would be good for him to read it too, but I'm not sure how to suggest it to him without triggering him.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Except that it's kind of hard to have a frank talk about it when we does the passive agressive 'well i'm not good enough for you' BS.
> 
> This is definitely a weird one. The guy has problems.
> 
> You know, passive aggressiveness is the tool of the nice guy. Perhaps OP can read "no more mr. nice guy" (it's on Amazon) to get some insight into why he's acting that way. I'm sure it would be good for him to read it too, but I'm not sure how to suggest it to him without triggering him.


Maybe or maybe its just a way to guilt trip her? I think if approached very directly and detailed, it can work... especially if you don't let up that you want this issue resolved.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I offered 
Go to sex therapist etc. I have been so nice and really sensitive. he just gets really passive aggressive. I have even said "please don't act like that, I'm just trying to express my feelings". He responds by saying well you are making me feel like a bad person. I feel terrible when you tell me these things. 





livelaughlovenow said:


> Maybe or maybe its just a way to guilt trip her? I think if approached very directly and detailed, it can work... especially if you don't let up that you want this issue resolved.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> I offered
> Go to sex therapist etc. I have been so nice and really sensitive. he just gets really passive aggressive. I have even said "please don't act like that, I'm just trying to express my feelings". He responds by saying well you are making me feel like a bad person. I feel terrible when you tell me these things.
> 
> 
> ...


What are you saying to him? Are you approaching him from an attack standpoint example you statements "you are not pleasing me, you are only getting yourself off, you this, you that" instead of "i feel statements when this happens or that happpens" non attacking statements that allow discussions to go much farther. Have you expresssed what you like that he does? In this situation "I Love when you (VERY DETAILED SEXUAL DESCRIPTION HERE) even if it is just the way he kisses. You need to let him know that you do like certain things... and what they are, and then lead into what you want, specifically, without attacking.... sex is a delicate subject and people take it very personal (not just women as you can see on these boards). And we as women tend to communicate differently then men, rose color things, expect them to read between the lines, or get angry and lash out and by then, we have missed what we truely wanted to say and hurt the other person, I have seen this not only happen in my relationship in the past, but in my friends relationships all the time. You asked for advice and I gave you an entirely different approach. It is at least worth a shot, ignore the passive agressive comments and continue on with stating what you do like, so that he can see, you are not attacking him, because up to this point he has felt like a failure in bed, he struggles with lasting long enough to please you, cant figure out your timing for when sex is appropriate, etc... and apparently doesn't get how to please you when he does cum to soon. Reverse the shoe for one minute. (I say that because my dh went thru it). I had to really think how he must've felt.
Fortunately for me, my dh takes lots of time in advance to get me just about ready to go off, so that when he cums, i am right there with him, or seconds later. Still to this day. 
But if you are going to shoot down reasonable advice, do you even want him to try to satisfy you? Do you want your marriage to work? 
To a man too (I'm sure others would agree, suggesting a sex therapist was another huge blow to his ego) Especially if you have not directly without attacking spelled out how he can please you. In a non heated discussion, not right after rejecting him, but in a completely separate time frame.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

As I said I have been very nice. Definitely not an attack. I was coached by my therapist. 



livelaughlovenow said:


> What are you saying to him? Are you approaching him from an attack standpoint example you statements "you are not pleasing me, you are only getting yourself off, you this, you that" instead of "i feel statements when this happens or that happpens" non attacking statements that allow discussions to go much farther. Have you expresssed what you like that he does? In this situation "I Love when you (VERY DETAILED SEXUAL DESCRIPTION HERE) even if it is just the way he kisses. You need to let him know that you do like certain things... and what they are, and then lead into what you want, specifically, without attacking.... sex is a delicate subject and people take it very personal (not just women as you can see on these boards). And we as women tend to communicate differently then men, rose color things, expect them to read between the lines, or get angry and lash out and by then, we have missed what we truely wanted to say and hurt the other person, I have seen this not only happen in my relationship in the past, but in my friends relationships all the time. You asked for advice and I gave you an entirely different approach. It is at least worth a shot, ignore the passive agressive comments and continue on with stating what you do like, so that he can see, you are not attacking him, because up to this point he has felt like a failure in bed, he struggles with lasting long enough to please you, cant figure out your timing for when sex is appropriate, etc... and apparently doesn't get how to please you when he does cum to soon. Reverse the shoe for one minute. (I say that because my dh went thru it). I had to really think how he must've felt.
> Fortunately for me, my dh takes lots of time in advance to get me just about ready to go off, so that when he cums, i am right there with him, or seconds later. Still to this day.
> But if you are going to shoot down reasonable advice, do you even want him to try to satisfy you? Do you want your marriage to work?
> To a man too (I'm sure others would agree, suggesting a sex therapist was another huge blow to his ego) Especially if you have not directly without attacking spelled out how he can please you. In a non heated discussion, not right after rejecting him, but in a completely separate time frame.


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