# Can I convince him ?



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I was doing OK in the last month and here I am since yesterday I'm a complete mess.I feel like he just left me...so much pain physical and emotional ,can't eat again,lost more weight ,anxiety ...all horrible symptoms i once experienced in Dec. when he left me.
He's had an affair for 5-6 months,very deep emotional and possibly physical .She is not with him anymore she figured he's been lying to her as well since day1 BUT he is in love with her.
He said that it's OK because he couldn't give her what she wanted,meaning kids ,also he comes with a lot of baggage he said.

I have talked to him 2 days ago that i would consider reconciliation ,he called yesterday and said he doesn't want a relationship.

It hurts to know that he is not with her but won't consider coming back to me and working on our marriage,our kids deserve that.
I'm just so lost,I want to call him and try to convince him again that he's making a huge mistake.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Hugs Vivea. 

Im in the same place. I feel like if he would just give me a chance on it, we could work it out. I never really had a chance in the first place. I just want a chance!! 

I did a really stupid thing concerning this last night. 
I mean major-emotional-set-back kind of stupid.
I Messaged stbx about relationship.
Asked him to just "think about it" he replied "alright then bye". 
Not good. Not good at all. 
I know it's just all going to come crashing down on me once more and shatter my poor little heart all over again. 

Im not hoping for a reply back anytime soon.
Im hiding my cell phone.
Im holding out no hope on this and trying to forget I asked him.
I hope he doesn't contact me for a month. 

AHHH....why did I do that to myself!? I am honestly my own worst enemy.

I can already feel the agonizing pain that is going to wash over me the next time he contacts me. 
Yet I can't just let him go! This is a vicious cycle I keep putting myself through. 

Anyways, viv you are not alone. 
I guess I am not done begging and pleading my case to stbx. 
When will I learn.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Wow vivea, I'm sorry your having such a hard time. 

I wish I understood why people like your husband act like they do. I'm not sure there is much support we can give. The man you gave your heart to wants to be selfish more than anything concerning you or the kids.

Best or luck and God bless.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

vivea: If my stbxh asked for a reconciliation at this point, my answer would be NO. The reasons:

No trust
His treatment of my destroyed feelings
Leaving me for a total of six weeks in last 4 months with 0 money
His confusion and game playing
His ego and pride that destroyed this relationship
charging me .75 for some item (unbelievable!)
His EA

I ask myself how would he ever overcome these serious, I mean serious, issues? 

There is no comeback.

Love yourself, respect yourself, value yourself. You will get through this, I promise that. I did and this is coming from a person that was in so much pain, I would gladly have ripped my skin off just to relieve it. It took 4 months of hard, hard work and it worked.
Counseling, group therapy, blogging TAM, talking to friends, family, crying and recognizing the grief then seeing the truth of this so called marriage.

Hugs to you!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

nickleblu...stbx has been playing games with me since Dec. ,you have to read my story it'll amaze you.

caughtdreaming...you've said it so right,I am my worst enemy and i have begged him already so many times,Emails,texts. 
3 days ago he called and we spoke finances and he was all apologetic telling me that he is so sorry for what he has put me through, i mean he has said this before but this time he sounded like he meant it,i asked him if he is happy he said he is not ,i asked him if he is still seeing her ,he said he is not with her because(what i have said in my previous post)
That is why next day I decided to make a proposition to him ...thinking he might want to reconcile but feels bad to ask.
I asked him to call and I was all businessy this time but tried to convince him to tell him i can probably forgive ,that we can overcome this,he said he'll think about it.
Next day i woke up feeling a little too excited for possible YES from him and didn't want to prolong the torture so I texted him and asked him if he though about it.He said he'll call in the next 2 hrs....I barely made it and when he called i could tell by his voice that it was going to be a NO...and it was....It broke my heart all over again,I was a mess yesterday.I set myself up and here I am again 5 steps behind.And now I woke up in agony again and texted him to call me to try to convince him AGAIN... i know i have lost myself again.... but I feel like so what have i got to lose ...I feel pathetic and at the same time i feel strong for trying to save my marriage.Weird.

Yes anx...because of my kids i hurt so bad,if it was not for them i would have been long gone but I just can't accept a future without their father...i grew up with my dad and know how important he was for me...I know he is in love with her and he doesn't want me because of it but i feel like if he looks at me he can see me...that we can overcome that...he just refuses to look at me...and he loved me so much..that love has got to be somewhere there .This is 10 years together against 6 months with the OW.

sparkles you're so right...i do have so many reasons to not want him back,the way he treated me was awful,horrible lies,horrible words ...but it is only from the last 6 months before that our marriage was great ...he was an amazing husband,very kind,romantic,lovable,caring... i can't seem to forget that....and the kids are my huge reason to want to fix this and try to overcome this horror....i do know it'll never happen though but it seems like i can't just sit and wait and do nothing. Ughh i know how that looks from the side...thank you for sharing your experience so far, i so hope i will be there soon.i want to move on and I have been trying hard but I still slip back. 

Hugs guys I'm sorry you are also going through this horror.AND life can be so easy if people learn how to love,they should teach at school.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Vivea,

I have never met you personally, but I have followed your story since January and I feel so bad for the emotional roller coaster you have been on for the last 6-7 months. It sucks!!!! Thru your writing I can tell how much you love your husband.....too bad your husband does not seem to know what love is or how it should be. That is HIS problem...NOT yours. He seems kinda wishy-washey when it comes to playing with your emotions. You DESERVE someone better...dont forget that. I think that for you to be able to move on....once your divorce is finalized...you will not only have closure, but you will also have new opportunities that open. Stay strong....you did it before.....you can do it again!!


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I know you are hurting and want this to work, but you really need to ask yourself something. Do you want him to come home because he loves you and wants to try and work through this with you, or do you want him to come home because you begged him to?
If you do manage to convince him to come home, then you'll constantly walk on eggshells worrying if he'll pack up and leave again.

I know it's hard and probably isn't what you want to hear, but seriously, work on loving yourself so you realize that you deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> If you do manage to convince him to come home, then you'll constantly walk on eggshells worrying if he'll pack up and leave again..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Truth hurts doesn't it? Problem is I keep thinking that I would totally be able to handle the worrying about him leaving again. At least it would be a second chance. Bad thoughts.


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

DelinquentGurl said:


> I know you are hurting and want this to work, but you really need to ask yourself something. Do you want him to come home because he loves you and wants to try and work through this with you, or do you want him to come home because you begged him to?
> If you do manage to convince him to come home, then you'll constantly walk on eggshells worrying if he'll pack up and leave again._Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Viv—
I know you're stronger than this. You've showed me so many times by what you've gone through. You are not the fallback. Not the second choice or backup plan B. I know you still have those feelings that the marriage is still there...still something to work for by getting past all that has happened. But like DG said, would you really want him back b/c you begged? I would think it should be the other way around.

Viv, you have to be the stronger one again. Be the one who brought a lot of us (myself included) out of our own misery to see the good in these situations. We've got to do this for ourselves, and in your case, for the little ones too. You've been a beacon of hope in the midst of your story. Don't ever let that light burn out by losing who you've become since Dec.

If things are meant to be, then they will. Don't force it though. You've proven yourself time and time again to be the better half between the two of you. Just have to find your way back to being that same person.

And we're still all here for you.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

You guys made me cry 
lost <3
denise <3 


Ok I did end up talking to him today on the phone,he was in a hurry as usual-he can't hear me ,doesn't have time...all that crap.

Well we moved to GA a month ago.He wanted us to stay in SC but i didn't want to ,than 2 days before I was supposed to move I thought that i will sacrifice myself for the kids and stay there,i told him and he said NO...all of a sudden was not a good idea because I "need to heal"(like since when he cares about me) but anyways so I moved back to GA.Than he tells me he will prove me that he is all about the kids and he'll be here a lot and will prove to me that he loves them ,and may be after I see that I will wanna move back to SC so the kids are closer to him.

Anyways ...so we're here for a month ,he came for 1 night on the 10th last month and didn't want to take our oldest to sleep with him in his hotel room.She was so excited and ready ,he denied that and later told me he wanted a peaceful sleep.Well isn't that what you have when you sleep alone you f#@*er .
So in the last 2 weeks he has been promising our oldest that he will be comming in the next 9-7-5 days and he'll be here for 3 days and he will take her to sleep with him,she got all excited.

Well today he dropped the bomb on me that he is not coming until the divorce is over....I was floored.Told him that could easily mean 3-4 months. He said because we argued the last time,i said i didn't ..you did, because i didn't give him one stupid hdmi cable for the TV.And i said so what ,we are not the 1st to argue ...and you will let that stop you from seeing the kids for such long time?!
I mean need I say more.Does that prove me that he loves his kids...NO.Not as much,how can he not want to see them for such long time.I am so pissed .
I started talking about us again and all I got was ,no I don't want a relationship ,I like being alone and I just want to work and spoil my kids when I'm with them. I was telling him how much he hurts them by doing that ,that he is selfish and thinks about himself ...he cared less of what I'm saying.We hung up because we had to ,he was about to go to work and i couldn't finish what I wanted to say but I wrote him my last Email about us.
I told him to be prepared that one day his daughters might ask someone else to walk them down the aisle and that all the fathers day cards all the sweet hugs and kisses that were meant for him will go to someone else and i thanked him for my wonderful girls and told him that some other guy will fall in love with them because they are that amazing.Told him that he is the looser.

I know for sure we are done,I felt some sort of a peace after the convo...like a closure.I only hope it's not temporary and I got the message finally.He's never going to be back ,I didn't feel like there is something that could ever change..not even a slight chance .
I have to move on now and concentrate on my life.

Will let you know how I feel in the AM since this is the worst time of the day for me,don't know why but I feel horrible in the mornings.

Big hugs guys,thank you for being here for me today <3


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Love you, girl. You can do this. WITHOUT him. <3 

One day he'll look back and realize how much you loved him and you'll have moved on. 

Listen to Auntie Jen.  It does get easier!


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Vivea I followed all your postings when i first joined this site.

You were doing so well, back then. Quite apprehensive about the reconcilliation-taking it is your stride.

It really sucks that he has put you back to square one again, maybe even worse.

Hopefully you will have got some closure now. You well know that there will be bad days and better days ahead. Be prepared. You love your children so much, you sound a lovely person. You have done all you can. 

Acceptance is very hard. I am only part way into fully accepting that my marriage is over. i need to spend time focusing on the really bad stuff to realise how difficult it would be if we did get back together. I would never feel he really loved me. I would always be unsure. Like you I look back to the person who was so different. However he did say to me, 'maybe I was putting on an act-trying to make it work?'.

Keep posting on here Vivea, take help from all the people you have always found time to support. Do you still keep in touch with AIM and Cranks-they were your buds if I remember rightly!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

reindeer said:


> Keep posting on here Vivea, take help from all the people you have always found time to support. Do you still keep in touch with AIM and Cranks-they were your buds if I remember rightly!


Yes, we've got her taken care of. She is posting on another medium with us and she is going to be just fine. Crank and AmI are also in a great place. Keep AmI in your prayers, though, her cancer came back.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Prayers for Aml. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Vivea, I have read your story and I can totally understand your current up/down feelings. I read this booked called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. Go and get it. It helped me a lot but I am still not recovered and still have lots of work to do.

Stay strong and keep visiting here.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Well do tell IAM that someone wished her well please.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

LonelyNLost said:


> Yes, we've got her taken care of. She is posting on another medium with us and she is going to be just fine. Crank and AmI are also in a great place. Keep AmI in your prayers, though, her cancer came back.


Oh no! Send Ami some hugs and well wishes for me.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

reindeer<3

Thank all you so much for your wonderful words.

I went to bed peaceful but woke up 6 hrs later super anxious,laying in bed another 2 hrs trying to sleep but my mind was racing too much.I still feel anxious and barely could eat yogurt. I lost so much weight and I'm trying hard to gain some weight back and it doesn't happen.I do try to eat but it's not enough I guess. 
I do think about him and still hurts ,I wanted to make it fun day for the kids but here I am stuck at home again .Why I can't do anything,i knew him so well...I though i had the key to his heart...that he will see me through the fog and recognize me ...but he doesn't.Everything is long gone....and now that he left me alone to take care of the kids it's just so cruel.I wanted these children so it can make our love stronger and we can raise them and share their childhood together.
How did he forget 11 years so fast,all the hopes and dreams for us....last year at that time he was still in love with me telling me how amazing i am ,how perfect i am for him ,appreciating me...where did all this go .
I just have a hard time understanding how can you go from loving someone so much to having 0 feelings for that person in such short time.
A stranger from the street will care more about me than him...what have i done to him to hate me that much,I asked him that yesterday ..he said he doesn't hate me...well how can he do this to us if he doesn't.I don't get it.

I don't know I guess I had some hope before and that was holding me together.I though that if she gets out of the picture he will come back to me....I was wrong and now I see that and I know this is it...no matter what I do his answer will be the same.I only wanted this for the kids..why do they have to live this life...when i had them I envisioned such beautiful life for them.
They were supposed to have the American dream life,beautiful house in a nice neighborhood,good schools,loving parents to protect them...and now what...they will have to live with a working single parent that struggles to give them attention because there is too much to handle.

I'm sorry guys for the downer,I need to say these things ..to vent.I know I was doing very well at one point but i guess the symptoms were only masked...I can't explain it otherwise.

Just thinking that I have to see him till the rest of my life and be reminded that this is the man that gave me this beautiful kids and at the same time this is the man that destroyed their lives. 

And yes we are still very close with a whole bunch of people from TAM ,we have our small FB group but they moved on because they started healing waaay before me and I am really behind them ,that is why I returned on here .


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

This is really hard to read. It is so sad that he turned on you and the result it will have on you and the kids. He'll suffer so few of the consequences. 

I know the anxiety and lack of sleep.

I gained weight during my separation because of oreos. I suggest you find some similar junk food you can eat a ton of without stopping. 

There isnt a solution other than going through this until you lose the connection to him. He strung you along for so long that this has only made it worse. You will move on too. Just focus on surviving. I had defiantly had miserable days where I just get through them. Other than doing something stupid, all you can do is put one foot in front of the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Vivea,

Don't worry about people moving on before you. Everyone takes their own amount of time to heal. I know what you mean about the American dream. We were going to get the white picket fence a month before she left. It sucks and those of us who are left just don't understand what happened. One of the things that helped me is the knowledge that I will never get the answers as to why my marriage ended. At least not any answers that will satisfy me. They have their reasons, but they will never be good enough for us. 

Chances are that he had actually checked out long before he told you and was just on autopilot. My wife was talking about how much she loved me only a few days before she left. We also bought a brand new couch that she had wanted for a year only a few weeks before she left. It is weird to see that kind of thing, but it happens. I think it is their way of trying to make a good show, but at some point they just give up, even though they gave up a long time ago in reality. 

I am sending good thoughts to you. I hope you can start to move forward. You are a good person and deserve someone who sees that as well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hey Viv.

Hugs to you. You already know you can never convince anyone of something they do n't believe in. He's told you several times he wants out of the relationshp so... believe him. 

Focus on you and your kids and be the best person you can be and mother. Be strong.

It's his loss. And his problem to deal with. You are better off than being with someone who would not appreciate you.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Vivea, I think that little shred of hope that was holding you together is the same shred that I am still holding onto and is keeping me together. This is scary. I am such a mess right now I can't imagine getting any worse. Hopefully you can chalk today up to a really bad day get some sleep and start over again tomorrow. 




dante said:


> Vivea,
> It sucks and those of us who are left just don't understand what happened. One of the things that helped me is the knowledge that I will never get the answers as to why my marriage ended. At least not any answers that will satisfy me. They have their reasons, but they will never be good enough for us.


This is a hard thing to just accept.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

I feel so bad that you are having to go thru this again. With the exception of my STBX wanting to reconcile...I know and feel exactly how you do and all of us here on TAM can def. relate on some sort of level. You will get thru this in one piece...and one day down the road, you will reflect on this time....and you will have your "A-HA" moment....and things will fall into place again in your life and start to make sense!!! It has to....because that is what is getting me thru each day myself. Like others have said....there is no time limit for the heart to heal....I believe you will know when it has happened....until then....baby steps......take it one day at a time!!!! Hugs to you!!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think people hold onto the HOPE because of FEAR. 

And we all know that fear keeps you from doing so many things, necessary things, fear can paralyze you into never moving forward.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

vivea said:


> I just have a hard time understanding how can you go from loving someone so much to having 0 feelings for that person in such short time.
> A stranger from the street will care more about me than him...what have i done to him to hate me that much,I asked him that yesterday ..he said he doesn't hate me...well how can he do this to us if he doesn't.I don't get it.
> 
> I don't know I guess I had some hope before and that was holding me together.I though that if she gets out of the picture he will come back to me....I was wrong and now I see that and I know this is it...no matter what I do his answer will be the same.I only wanted this for the kids..why do they have to live this life...when i had them I envisioned such beautiful life for them.
> ...


I totally understand this part(every word of it) and this is why is also difficult for me to move on faster than I would have hoped.

I had a biopsy two weeks ago and I told my ex H that we would not be able to skype that day(that's how he sees son) because I had to go to the hospital. So that same morning I get a text and an email him saying: I hope everything goes well with your biopsy. Now most people would think he still cares about me but I think it was more about him worrying that if anything happened to me he would have to become single dad of a 2 year old, which in turn would mean less time for girlfriend and no possibility to travel for work(which he does now). Little things like this still hold me back but both of us need to learn not to hang onto them at all.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

jelly...I know for sure one thing,I have a really hard time because of my kids.Our relationship with stbx was not destructive and the kids would have had a great life with both of us.My oldest misses him so much,she constantly talks about him and it's just pain...I honestly would die for my kids...so I would in a heartbeat take him back if that means that my kids will be happy.The little one doesn't know that HE is her dad...she hasn't said daddy yet because there is no one to say it to.

If it was just me and him I would have moved on waay faster BUT now it's horrible to know that these kids depend only on me and I can't even afford to get sick now and I have bad lower back and I've had moments where I can't get up from the couch because of it...what would happen if that happens to me now.

What will happen if the divorce really affects my girls in the long run, in school ,in their personal relationships one day...what kind of example they will follow when they come from a broken home.Will I be able to find a partner that will love them ,will they be OK with someone that is not their daddy.So many Q's,i can't sleep because of all this.And worrying about finances makes things even worse,i have not worked in 6 yrs,I have to start from scratch and at the same time have 2 kids to take to school day care and make sure homework are done ,all school projects....etc... he cared so much about their education and wanted the best for them and now...he doesn't even know where she is going to school next month.I t just hurts so much when i see that he is not involved even with them .
I have seen divorced guys that put their kids before anything else in their lives and HIM ...he seems like he can live without them...and he tells me on the phone that he cries for them every day...I do not believe him.

So yeah ,if it was not for the kids i would have been long gone from his life ...I just have a hard time letting go because of them.

You guys all say that your partners also loved you before they left BUT I keep reading the letter he gave me 4 months before he left and I just can't believe how is that possible,here it is...his words...( he wrote the letter after i found out that he has lied to me again and I was upset but forgave him after the letter and we decided to talk to MC once we move to SC...that was the plan ,I was never going to leave him,never in a million years):



> letter deleted"


*Tell me how after all this he can forget about me and ditch me like I never existed ???!!!*

And yes Jelly FEAR in all this is HUGE but parenting is scary when both partners stay together let alone when only one has to do it.I am scared ,I admit it...I am so scared and that is why I can not eat ,I know my anxiety comes from that but can't help it.I'm petrified right now.I never though I will be left to be a single parent to such little kids,it is very hard and scary.I wanted to be this amazing Mom and be involved with them in everything and take them to ballet classes and soccer ...and now will I be able to be there for them when they need me,will i be able to provide for them and make them happy.... so scary.

He left us and will live his fabulous life with his 2 expensive motorcycles and it seems he will be happy,he told me yesterday that he's a loner and enjoys being alone.He told me that he has his friend when he needs them and hangs out with them and that is enough for him.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

anx...i don't even feel like a want to eat junk food,my appetite increases towards the night because this is the time that i feel better,as i said I have no idea why so I eat more at night but it can't compensate i guess.I was 124 lb when all this started than I went to 115 in a matter of a month,than slowly went to 111 and when he played me in May I went to 105.Today I'm 104 ,again started looking anorexic,I have 0 fat on my body at the moment.I don't look healthy 

notreadytoquit...yeah ,it seems like they do care only because of the kids. So that doesn't ruin their single life...they have lost their souls.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

WOW. That was some letter Viv.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yeah I know.
Because after he left me he kept saying that he didn't actually love me ,that he doesn't think he ever loved me crap...I Emailed that letter to him asking him if that was fake than.He replayed:No it was not fake!
Well WTF?!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Viv--if he chooses NOT to be involved in your kids' lives, then that is HIS problem and HIS problem alone. I know you want to hang on but the thing is--he has already made the choice for you. He decided without you. He decided the state of your marriage on his own without ever considering you, the marriage, or your family unit. So that is what you have to deal with from here on out.

Do not delude yourself into believing a fantasy or an alternate reality. 

The thing is, HE CHOSE THIS. You did not. So you must concede and go from there. Be the best mom and woman you can be.

If he has any intention of reconciling, he will make that known on his own. You will not have to convince or beg him to come back. 

Stop giving him all of your power. Take control back. 

Open up the door & let him go.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and as for that letter.... that letter juxtaposed with his current actions should be making reality seem pretty clear. Even after all
that, he wasn't man enough to stick to his word.. It's sad. And again, you deserve so much better. 

Remember, this is the SAME guy who asked for your permission to bring his skank to YOUR home so you could meet and give them their blessing so they could have sex.

Viv, please, find your self-respect, your dignity, and walk away with your head held high. 

He is a little boy. And no match for you, a woman.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Hugs, V! 

I think a lot of what he wrote was true. And probably is true. They don't match up with his current actions or words, but he is facing an internal battle. Unfortunately you and the kids are casualties. That's how I look at things with my stbx. 

Empty words, empty promises, empty vows. He is a child, pretending to be a grown up. I think he'd get along with my H so well. They're even the same age! We're women, damn fine classy women who deserve so much more! 

Mourn the loss, take all the time you need. You are only ready to move on when you feel that you can. No one has a timeline, and you don't have to feel pressured to do so. We all want the best for you. We care about you more than you care about him. Believe it! <3 you girl!


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Vivea - I'm so sorry for your pain. I can relate 100%. My STBXH blind sided me and I went through all of the emotions that you are feeling. I play things over and over in my head, "how could he do this", "how could he just leave us", "what the hell happened to him", "is he sick; only sick people do this"; "what about our babies"??? 

We've been S for about 9 months and are in the process of D. It's been, by far, the hardest thing I've ever had to face. 

Along the way though, I've learned a few things. The first is that, no matter how bad we want to, we cannot control another person. No amount of begging, pleading, reasoning, crying, cajoling or guilting another person will convince them to do what you want. If you happen to be successful, it will be short lived. Their true feelings will resurface and your pain will be doubled. 

The next is that no contact really does equal no new pain. No contact (or very minimal contact if you have children together) allows you to start to heal. You'll think it's nearly impossible, but it does get easier as time moves on. Talking and especially talking about "us" and what happened and why we can't move forward together only leads to hurtful, unsatisfying discussions. We all fall off the NC wagon and it's extremely difficult in the beginning, but it does allow you to heal, feel, and take back your power. Not your power over the relationship and the life you thought you had, but your power over you. NC allows you to rebuild your self-esteem and to maintain your self-respect and your dignity. That last little bit of hope can be a killer. It takes a long time, but the ember will burn out one day if you turn your back on him like he turned his back on you.

Finally, we are way stronger than we think. That doesn't mean that we don't stumble along the way, and sometimes the stumbles are BIG. But, we are strong. We are smart, resourceful women and strong, loving mothers. We know our roles and don't ever stray from our core values and what we know to be right. The spouses that simply check out and run without ever talking to us or trying to stay true to the commitment - they are the weaklings. They lie and cheat and make unilateral decisions to destroy the families that they created, all in the name of their own selfishness. They make us think it's all our fault and that we somehow could have kept them if we were better, younger, smarter, thinner, prettier, etc., etc., etc. As my IC says, these people will never be happy. They may try to make you think they're happy, but they will never be happy on the inside. Take comfort that our pain, while blinding at times, is temporary. We WILL find happiness again one day.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

*Jelly *...you are so right...and I know all this ,I have known it all along and yet I still find myself thinking "But I know this person ,I really know him,he still loves me,there is no other way..everything is just temporary"...like I'm fighting myself...because really how can I live with someone for 11 years and be best friends know everything about them,I've seen his thinking process in a lot of different matters...I though I knew him so well and in the END it seems he shifted to a different personality...I can't explain it otherwise...I refuse to believe that I didn't know him...he must have changed.
Regardless though ...the person that I once shared everything with obviously is gone.I don't know the thinking process of the person he's become now,I do think he has big issues though ...issues that require treatment.
And yes I do want to hold my head high ,I have always been this person.I have walked away from a bad relationship that I had before him,I opened the door and let the person go and I turned the other way and I cried and didn't let him see me...and than he chased me a few months later and wanted to marry me and it was too late for me I have moved on...and I was pretty in love with him..so I know I have it in me but as I said the kids make me so freaking weak because now I hurt for 3 people instead of just 1.
But I'm trying! Thank you for being here for me.Hugs!


*Lonely*...you know how much I love you girl ,your words mean the world to me,supporting me here and there...what can I say...pure LOVE for you.You inspire me so much!And you're so right they are acting like children or rather toddlers that want "that toy"and they will not stop until they get it.They want that life and they will get it regardless of how much pain they will cause. 

*blownaway*...thank you so much for your words.I try the NC and it is difficult at the moment due to the fact that there are still things we need to communicate about the divorce and the kids.It weird but I must be a masochist because I think I find excuses for myself to call him.I'm ashamed to admit that but it just hit me as I write this.To hear his voice..no matter how cold he might sound.Just to know that I have his attention for 2 min...like I need my fix.
That is why we need to legally finish our marriage so I don't keep thinking in my head "but he is still my husband "
I do well with NC most of the time though,I had a period of 3 weeks of NC at all and I did OK but that was before our last convo when he made himself clear that he does not want to be married anymore ,period.

Today I struggled especially in the morning I took the kids to the park,they had so much fun,than we went to a friends house for some burgers,it was fun but as i was leaving ..me and the girls..I just felt this heavy feeling in my chest...I realized yet again that I am so alone in all this...I sobbed driving on the way home.It is just so hard to adjust to the feeling of being alone in this...and I did remember him and I miss him so much,he was an amazing husband,that is why is so hard for me.He was so sweet ,loving ,caring,gentleman...everything....he had his love in his eyes every time when he looked at me....he was so different from every guy I have ever seen. I always had the feeling that I have hit the jackpot with him.I really don't know what happened! When did he become so selfish ,so insensitive ,so cruel to the woman that loved him for the last 11 years.I have had so many chances to cheat on him,I had so many guys want me and i have never done in a million years though to cheat or worse cheat and dump him..even though he had issues with lying constantly to me.
I honestly had so much trust in him that lets say a fortuneteller told us years ago that one of us will cheat and will dump the family I honestly would have though that it will be me...that is how much trust I had in him,that is how much I believed in him.Crazy!
Thank you for showing me a little light in the tunnel ,I'm, waiting for the moment where i will wake up in the morning and will feel normal again,that I will have a good sleep and he will not enter my thoughts and dreams 24/7.I wish you good luck with finishing your recovery process.I do hope I'm on my way ...already!!!
hugs


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

That guy ... the sweet, loving, funny, caring husband? That guy died. Your H is not that person anymore. He's telling you and showing you who he is - he's anything but those qualities if he can hurt you and your children this way. Take that knowledge and let it propel you toward NC. It's the only way to protect your heart.

Of course you look for ways to talk to him and contact him. That's what this is all about. We've all done it. It is like getting a little fix. But, if you commit to NC, it will become easier and easier. There will be a time of day where not contacting him will give you a physical reaction. Mine used to be mid-afternoon. That's when we would usually call each other to see what was going on that day, who would pick up which kid, what we would have for dinner, etc. I would literally shake and feel like I was going to crawl out of my skin at that time of day because I couldn't pick up the phone and call him. That passed. I guess that's what I'm trying to convey - it will pass if you let it and you recognize that this is normal. Everything you are feeling - the pain and desperation and loneliness and shock - that is normal. 

One day at a time and sometimes it's one hour or one minute at a time.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Hey V! Hugs to you 

I just wanted to remind you that every persons recovery is unique. Take things one step at a time and do not rush yourself. You want to work through these feelings and get better, not suppress them and pretend they don't exist.

I know you feel like you are not getting better, but honestly what you are doing is SO HEALTHY for you mentally. Purging all this out and getting this support is what you need right now, and you know we all are here for you.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Thank you guys.

blownaway... well in our case we didn't have a specific hour during the day where we would call and talk,it was the nights where he would call from work,he worked night shifts. 
And yeah I do NC ,I mean I have to ...it's not like I have something to tell him all the time.

It's weird but last night my oldest called him before bed and I grabbed the phone to ask him if he has send me another check because he is 8 days late so I had to hear his voice and see if he really did send it,I didn't want to talk to him but I had to ...I knew I have to hear that coldness in his voice again,voice that has no emotion and warmth anymore...but it''s like I want to talk and see if there is anything there,if he's going to say something that will give me hope.And than we hang up and it hurts a lot because there was nothing,not even a speck...

Well after I asked him about the check i needed to ask him something important for our health ins. He said he has no time right now,I told him I need to talk to him and he has to call me,he said he'll call today.Last night though at 11pm while I was on here ,the phone rings and I see it is him,I was in disbelieve ..such a weird feeling..well he decided to call last night to see what I need for the ins. company BUT it made me feel good to think that he had a thought about me and decided to call.
I was pretty reserved and cold and as soon as I got the info I said a few times "ok ,thats all" like "ok that is all I need from you,bye" but he kept talking about something and at the end he asked " is that all that you need"...which is weird because I have told him already a few times that this is all that i need.
I know I'm dissecting every word that comes from his mouth and I don't want to do that.

Oak...thanks for being here for me as well <3 ,and you're so right and that is why I spill all the beans,long ago I decided that I'm not going to lie about how I feel.I say it all...the whole truth...no matter how embarrassing it is,I need to say it out loud. I mean I can pretend all I want that I'm getting better and things are OK but at the end I am only lying to myself and that is not going to help me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

vivea said:


> *Jelly *...you are so right...and I know all this ,I have known it all along and yet I still find myself thinking "But I know this person ,I really know him,he still loves me,there is no other way..everything is just temporary"...like I'm fighting myself...
> 
> I refuse to believe that I didn't know him...he must have changed.


Well, he did change. He is no longer the man you married. He is someone else now. He is now who he keeps showing you over and over again. So the sooner you accept that, the better.



vivea said:


> I have walked away from a bad relationship that I had before him,I opened the door and let the person go and I turned the other way and I cried and didn't let him see me...and than he chased me a few months later and wanted to marry me and it was too late for me I have moved on...and I was pretty in love with him..so I know I have it in me


The thing is, when you marry someone it bonds in a way you have never felt bonded to anyone else before. So your feelings are normal. And you feeling like in the past you did walk away, yes you did, however once you marry someone it changes the game. So when that spouse (hello SPOUSE) rejects you it feels 20x worse. That's just how it is.

But again, you deserve someone who will commit to you and not think marriage is disposable. And until he looks within and finds out the devastation he causes in his wake, he will continue this pattern in EVERY single relationship he is in.

You're better off, Viv


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yes ,that is what is the problem jelly...I have always thought that I will not forgive cheating or something like that but marriage definitely makes it harder .May be because you envisioned yourself with this person growing old and when kids are involved that vision is even more powerful.
In a relationship where there is no marriage you do not envision that and it is easier to say goodbye.

Well I am waiting on my lawyer to come back from his second vacation *eye roll* He went 2 times in a matter of a month ...but anyways he will be back on the 11th and I have to respond to the served divorce papers by the 28th so I have plenty of time.Divorce is happening and that's about it.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

What makes it hard Vivea is the children. I never thought I would tolerate cheating. But when they are kids involved you have to stay in touch with that person whether you like it or not. I guess it does not help the fact that both our spouses never gave us the impression that anything was wrong(let alone say it) and this all came out of the blue.

For me I find it that it's not that I want him back so much but I just want him to experience the same amount of pain he has inflicted on me because I think that's the only way they can realize what they have done.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Well a month ago stbx told me SHE doesn't want him anymore and he said "well now I know how it feels for you""...I was like...you have no idea how it feels for me,with that woman you had 5-6 months relationship and no kids...with me you have 11 years relationship,marriage and 2 children.It is far from being the same pain....I don't think he got it ! He might never get it... for many reasons I know he will never get remotely close to that pain.

2 days before he was final on his decision of divorce we were talking on the couch and I wanted to describe to him the pain i have experienced when he left me back in Dec. he was amazed...he was looking at me all confused and at the end said...."really ,that is how you felt,i don't get it" ...he said he doesn't understand the pain at all.I told him that i felt like i was dead ...like i wanted to die for real...and he was like "wow,really,I don't understand"....

So I never expect him to understand!


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

notreadytoquit said:


> I just want him to experience the same amount of pain he has inflicted on me because I think that's the only way they can realize what they have done.


Yeah that's how I feel too. I'm sure they never will understand or experience the same pain we are. They don't get it at all. 

Today I had to msg stbx to see if my ROE came in the mail. I'm totally down again...he didn't ask "how are you doing?", "what have you been up to?" just a "no sorry its not here, I will let you know if it comes though". 

ugh. He doesn't even wanna know how I am or anything, no casual polite conversation from him at all. Such a downer!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

vivea said:


> Well a month ago stbx told me SHE doesn't want him anymore and he said "well now I know how it feels for you""...


What an insensitive doucheb-g. Can I knock him out for you? 



caughtdreaming said:


> Yeah that's how I feel too. I'm sure they never will understand or experience the same pain we are.


No. Waywards will experience it ... once it happens to them.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yes jelly anytime ...please


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Gosh I had to talk to him today and that screwed me up.I'm sat now crying.It's just so hard to hear how insensitive he is .

We've talked about finances, because that is why I had to call him and I was upset,he kept his cool which was good ,than i asked if he really is not going to see the kids until divorce is final ,he confirmed and i told him again that it could take months he than said "well i don't know why you're so slow with the papers,what are we waiting for" I said "do you think I'm holding the papers on purpose?" "he said" I don't know" (sounded like "i think so").
He really thinks I'm slowing down the process and I hate that,just because i asked for him to think about it one more time now he took all the power from me and I hate it.I told him that my lawyer is on his 2nd vacation and that is why ....he said "well mine is not on vacation" with very arrogant tone in his voice.
I hate that he is so OK with the whole thing,that he still has his pride and has a say in things. I mean he talks to me like he hasn't done anything wrong...that I have....why does he make me feel like I fu*ck*ed up ?!


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

He sounds like my ex. He acts like a bully but deep down inside he is a weak and insecure man who turns to vices to feel good. What kept me stuck is that I kept giving him the control. Maybe that's why you are stuck too. It's hard to do but try acting indifferent and matter-of-fact. You don't have to rationalize, explain, or give him details. It's hard, I know. But you are too good for him and should not let him hurt you anymore. He is a selfish loser who doesn't deserve your attention & caring ways. Try to minimize contact with him because it keeps poking at your wounds.


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