# Assurance



## mn76 (Oct 10, 2011)

Hey everyone,

I am writing here after lurking for at least a year and a half. I have been looking for solutions on how I can act to save my marriage. About six months ago my wife stated over the phone she was done and wanted to divorce. She is tired of our arguing, and wants to date other people. We really didn't have any big blowout fights, but I had committed several cardinal mistakes throughout our marriage, including excessive jealousy and possessiveness. It got way worse after the wedding, and the new guys/phone numbers/dates didn't stop.

To be honest, I have felt as though I had to try hard to get any sort of positive attention from my wife. She has treated me with minimal respect, even though I have provided everything the whole time.

She has been SLOWLY moving her stuff out of our place, and has gone back and forth about her decision. It is really emotionally taxing on me, when one day saying she is not sure, the next telling me to hurry up on getting the divorce.

Her family and most of my friends want me to reconcile, but it isn't my decision. They have been calling me quite often, to tell me their opinion on why I shouldn't divorce. At this point I feel as though I should just file and move on; but I have feelings for her still.

She has several guy friends, and is most likely in a new relationship already. I am not sure, because we don't communicate anymore; only the tidbits from when she is here gathering up her stuff.

My heart says wait it out, my mind says run and run fast. In reality, I have an idea on what I am going to do, but I am fishing for reassurance on my thoughts. I am also writing here, because its 3 am and my heart is hurting.

What would you do?


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

> It got way worse after the wedding, and the new guys/phone numbers/dates didn't stop.


:scratchhead:

Dates? While married?

Sounds like she is having her cake and eating it too. Has been for a long time. Honestly, from what you've described it doesn't seem that anything but filing for divorce is your option at this point. Let it be a wake-up call for her. Right now you are enabling her by continuing to provide for her and let her call the shots. I don't know if I would want to stay with this person at all. 

Ages? Kids?


----------



## mn76 (Oct 10, 2011)

We have no kids. She is 28 and I am 36. Yeah I have felt that way the whole time.


----------



## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I realize you love her and your hurting but dude she's not marriage material. She's not a wife at all. You have to let her go. You need to divorce her and move on and find someone who wants the commitment of marriage. She's not it. I'm sorry man but she's not.


----------



## mn76 (Oct 10, 2011)

Yeah several people have told me that. Thinking about it logically and rationally is really the only healthy way to move forward.


----------



## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

mn76 said:


> Hey everyone,
> It got way worse after the wedding, and the new guys/phone numbers/dates didn't stop.
> 
> To be honest, I have felt as though I had to try hard to get any sort of positive attention from my wife. She has treated me with minimal respect, even though I have provided everything the whole time.


Am I reading this right that she was dating or at least texting other men while you were married? Unless you both agreed to have an open marriage, that is not all right. It sounds like she did not respect you and only used you to get what she wants. Do you want to continue being with a woman like that?




> She has been SLOWLY moving her stuff out of our place, and has gone back and forth about her decision. It is really emotionally taxing on me, when one day saying she is not sure, the next telling me to hurry up on getting the divorce.


If her stuff is still there and it is killing you, pack it up (or get a mover to do it), text her to tell her the boxes will be available for her to pick up at the house at X day at X time. If she doesn't come get them you will put them outside. This is a total control issue. Don't play her game. 



> Her family and most of my friends want me to reconcile, but it isn't my decision. They have been calling me quite often, to tell me their opinion on why I shouldn't divorce.


Whose marriage is this? Is it their marriage or yours? Who cares what they say! Your happiness comes first, and it comes way before the happiness of some friends or family from seeing you guys together. 

Why are they so involved in your marriage? If it makes you feel uncomfortable, it is time to tell them "thank you for your concern, I really appreciate you being there for me but this is a decision I have to make alone". 

I'm sorry you are going through these extremely difficult times. It will take time to get through but if you keep working on yourself you will be happier when it is all done.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I thought about giving you some sage advice about winning her back, but I don't she's worth the time and frustration. To be perfectly honest with you, your chances of reconciliation would be better if you were both over 35 and with kids, with no abuse or drug/alcohol depencencies, and both of you were a certain maturity level. 

Here's the thing......


She's already told you she wants to see other people which means she has no thoughts left about even trying to make this work. And even the reconciliation stories off of here and divorce busters, the guys over there talk about how hard it is to know that their wife did everything to a buch of other guys an lied to them only to now tell them they want to remain committed. I don't think you want to hear about which guys she slept with were really bad and how many d!cks she sucked before sleeping you again. It's just too damaging to your ego to be thinking about that all the time. 

She's given you an out, and I suggest you take it and leave her behind. Because the alternative plan is for you let her date other men as much as she wants and try the "just friends" route while you wait for each and every one of them to grow overly jealous and leave her when they find you're KIND OF dating her again. If you ask me it's just not worth it to be dating YOUR WIFE and not get any sexual contact or affection from her when you're wasting your hard earned dollars and mental sanity to be with her again.

It's your choice to make. 

But at 36 making what is probably the best money of your life, or your highest earning potential if your not, you could do better than a younger wife who has proven that she doesn't give a f*ck about you and will cheat on you when she's bored. At this point could get yourself a divorced woman with a single child your age and still do better. Or you could live the rest of your life being single and packing away as much money as you can into a high interest saving account you keep secret and still pull out of this if you have to give her half of what you own. All I'm saying is you could do a lot better and you are worthy of a woman who respect you enought to at least wait until divorce before she wh*res it up.


----------



## mn76 (Oct 10, 2011)

Yeah exactly what I was thinking. She came over yesterday and decided to tell me about her most recent sexual experience. Talk about damaging to the ego... I am going to file this week, to salvage the remaining sanity I have left.

I just don't think she comprehends what marriage is, let alone how not to make me feel like crap. She literally stated that since we broke up, it was ok for her to sleep with other people. I am going to wait to start a new relationship, until after I'm divorced. (Duh)

Thanks for the advice.


----------



## JillsJourney (Feb 23, 2013)

She was still dating others while married? Marriage is all about cleaving unto your spouse...no one else. She is not committed to your marriage. It's normal for you to still have feelings for her but you need to prepare yourself for divorce. Consult with a lawyer. Don't waste your life trying to be with someone that doesn't know if she wants to be with you. She is taking advantage of you.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mn76 said:


> Yeah exactly what I was thinking. She came over yesterday and decided to tell me about her most recent sexual experience. Talk about damaging to the ego... I am going to file this week, to salvage the remaining sanity I have left.
> 
> I just don't think she comprehends what marriage is, let alone how not to make me feel like crap. She literally stated that since we broke up, it was ok for her to sleep with other people. I am going to wait to start a new relationship, until after I'm divorced. (Duh)
> 
> Thanks for the advice.


What was her childhood like?

(I'm going to intentionally pass on the one-liner about the fact that her childhood never came to an end)


----------



## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well,I can understand you hurting,but she isn,t marriage material.
She hasn't grow up and dosen't take marriage vows seriously.

Be thankful you have seen her real colors so early on in the marriage.

Be thankful,you don't have children with her.She 
goes out of her way to knowingly hurt you.

Divorce her,as your not loosing much.

Shes trashy and mean.


----------



## mn76 (Oct 10, 2011)

I just got the paperwork notarized and am now waiting to have enough money to file at the courthouse. It just is amazing to me how many people get married with no intention of being faithful or committed. Really sad if you think about it.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

If you disapproved of her unfaithful acts, how did you communicate this to her?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

staystrong said:


> If you disapproved of her unfaithful acts, how did you communicate this to her?


Or did you think it would get her upset?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mn76 said:


> Yeah exactly what I was thinking. She came over yesterday and decided to tell me about her most recent sexual experience. Talk about damaging to the ego... I am going to file this week, to salvage the remaining sanity I have left.
> 
> I just don't think she comprehends what marriage is, let alone how not to make me feel like crap. She literally stated that since we broke up, it was ok for her to sleep with other people. I am going to wait to start a new relationship, until after I'm divorced. (Duh)
> 
> Thanks for the advice.


Unless you want an open marriage, divorce is your only choice here. Start treating her according to the 180 (see link below). Take the 180 to as close to no contact as you can. 

She's moved out. Change the locks on your place. She does not live there anymore. Pack up anything of hers still in your place and tell her to pick it up at a set time. AFter that she has abondoned anything left.

Then end all contact. you should not expose yourself to the kind of hurt and disrespect she is dishing out to you. 

See an attorney and file for divorce. If you have been married a short time you might even be able to do a DIY divorce in his case.


----------



## mn76 (Oct 10, 2011)

staystrong said:


> If you disapproved of her unfaithful acts, how did you communicate this to her?


She really didn't communicate with me much at all. She would avoid me or any type of communication about it, then get upset if I brought it up again.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mn76 said:


> She really didn't communicate with me much at all. She would avoid me or any type of communication about it, then get upset if I brought it up again.


So, you taught her it was ok.


----------



## mn76 (Oct 10, 2011)

Conrad said:


> So, you taught her it was ok.


I voiced that I was not ok with what she was doing. Most of the time though, I would get gas lighting about what I had said, and made to feel as though I was making things up. The story would evolve into something innocent, then to non-existent.

How do you mean that I taught her that it was ok?


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

You taught her there were no consequences to her actions other than you huffing and puffing for a while .


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

yeah i'd say the time for you to bury this thing is at hand.


----------



## mn76 (Oct 10, 2011)

staystrong said:


> You taught her there were no consequences to her actions other than you huffing and puffing for a while .


I guess I am not real clear on how I should have made consequences in the relationship, without ending the relationship. The main consequence of her actions is me filing for divorce. What are you saying I should have done?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mn76 said:


> I guess I am not real clear on how I should have made consequences in the relationship, without ending the relationship. The main consequence of her actions is me filing for divorce. What are you saying I should have done?


How did you behave towards her while this was going on?


----------



## mn76 (Oct 10, 2011)

Conrad said:


> How did you behave towards her while this was going on?


I was doing quite a few things that the 180 says not to do. I was behaving badly, mostly being insecure and jealous.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

mn76 said:


> I was doing quite a few things that the 180 says not to do. I was behaving badly, mostly being insecure and jealous.


But, you didn't stand up to her.

You got angry and then caved.

This teaches your partner that you're a doormat.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You're going to have to forgive me if I'm a little behind and trying to catch up on your situation.

So far I'm seeing some HUGE red flags from her, having sex with other people and then throwing that in your face, going back and forth between ignoring you and needing you for comfort. Ok, this just screams a lack of maturity and I think I found the right articles to help you out here. 

Is Your Girlfriend or Wife a Professional Victim? | A Shrink for Men
Gold Digger in Disguise: The Damsel in Distress | Shrink4Men
25 Signs your Narcissistic or Borderline Wife or Girlfriend is Traumatizing You | A Shrink for Men

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. So far what she's doing reminds me of how my crazy ex wife behaved when she decided to divorce me. Long story short she acted like a spoiled teenager and dusted off her loser ex from the shelf to sponge emotional security and money from him, grew severly depressed and gained 40lbs in under 8 months, and blamed me for making her do all of this when I was nothing but loving and supportive of her. Matter of fact she grew even more upset with me for being happy and dumped all of her problems on me (at least she tried to). 

I don't know enough to tell you exactly what her problems are, but I can tell you that the way she's acting now is who she REALLY is. And anything she blames you for that you know is not your fault, for instance she says "YOU made me act this way", you did NOT do anything to make her like this. She was like this long before and now you're seeing the mask come off and the gloves go on. Just so you know I've talked to a number of people divorcing over an affair. The normal reaction from either the husband or wife is usually a mix of shame and pride, they don't go around bragging and often times try to arrange family get togethers to keep the betrayed from abandoning them before they're ready. What your wife is doing is nothing but childish.


----------

