# Where to go now?



## Stupidact (Dec 18, 2012)

Ok, so to begin, I am the WS. It has been about 2 months since D-D. My FS caught me in a one night stand. Yep, literally caught me in the act. The op was a good friend of ours. There was a pretty intense argument that night, and since then I have tried to tell him how sorry I am, that I made a mistake and that I want us to work this out.
I have 3 children from a previous marriage, but my FP and I have been together for over 6 years.
Since DD, I have been staying in the house, we have continued to work together, (we run a small business together), and have still had some moments of laughter and real happiness. But we are still on the roller coaster of emotions with my FP see sawing between being there and wanting me to leave.
Recently, I had to take my kids 4 hrs away to catch a plane, and before I left, my FP asked me to not come back.
I have stayed away, but after a few days, asked him to think about working things out. At the time, he said ok, and I have given him a few days to sort his emotions out.
My questions are....
Other than being as honest as possible (although, at this stage, he won't talk about the real stuff), and giving him as much space as he needs...what else can I do? 
I have cut off ALL contact with OP
I don't want to keep harassing him, but want to keep in contact with him, and miss him painfully...
He, (at this stage) won't go to counselling, but I have suggested it, and have been seeing a psych myself....however finances are a strain...I have books that I have read, and would like him to read....would it be pushing it to suggest he does?
Sorry, for the verbal diarrhoea....


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I suppose you're going to have to give him time to figure out what he wants. As of now, it's up to him - not you - as to whether the two of you stay together. The only control you have is to walk away for good.

So...why did you have the ONS? Did your BF "push you away" or did you "get too drunk"? Advanced warning if you choose to answer this question; no one will let you get away with those 2 excuses because that's all they are - weak, stupid excuses. I'm interested in what the real root cause for your ONS. Also, how many times did you cheat on your BF in total? At this point, I doubt it was just a ONS and most likely you have done this before.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I think it's good that you have the courage to post here. Prepare yourself for some potential tough replies. If you stick it out, you will probably also get som valuable advice from both BS and FWS.

First; could you elaborate a bit on the circumstances. Age, state of your marriage, how long have you known each other etc. How did the ONS happen? did you think about more than a ONS? have there been other incidents? How did your spouse react? Why doesn't he wanna talk about the "real stuff" (what's that BTW?)

I'm a BS and will try to be helpfull if you add more to the description. I am 20 months past DD and can still be blown away by the emotional roller coaster from time to time (but rarely).


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## Stupidact (Dec 18, 2012)

Ok, background is this...but before I start, I know I am going to get some hard critisism, but trust me, you can't say anything worse than I have said to myself 100 times over the last 2 months.

I am 42, FS is 43.

Why? I have soul searched this a lot, and done as much reading as I can as well. I guess we have never had an easy relationship, FS has a history of depression, and I guess I felt needed by being his 'rock'.....
When we first became involved, we had an amazing sex life....he taught me so much....
However, anti-depressant medication had an effect on that part of our lives. However, I stood by him, and didn't 'nag' him to have sex with me, and was as patient as I could imagine anyone being. After several years, FS stopped taking (under medical supervision) med's. however, our sex life didn't improve. Whenever I tried to broach the subject, he would say that he was just too lazy for sex. We would average 4-6 times a year. I guess after a few years, it became hard not to personalise and internalise that. We have a history of burying our heads in the sand rather than discuss things, and this became one of those things.
My self esteem hit an all time low earlier this year when I lost my job. My income was always a help in running our business, and without it, money was tighter than ever. I felt FS blamed me and held that against me rather than support me as I had for several years.
I guess I felt under-valued and worthless and unwanted.
So, the ONS became my pathetic excuse to validate myself? To feel attractive? Pathetic excuses, and unworthy of an amazing man, but all I have....


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

First thing, end all the lying. No more lies or half truths. I have a hard time believing that this was a ONS with mutual friend. So excuse me if I don't believe that you were caught the day you two "consummated" your relationship and there was nothing before. 

Yes, it does matter if it is once or twice or 20 times. Your H knew something was going on if he "caught" you.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

So everytime your H doesn't have sex with you or goes through a deep depression again...all you think about is how to cheat on him by having ONS for quickies? 

If you are HD and he's LD then simply accept the fact that you are not compatible and move on. 

Not to mention that form the sound of your posts you don't sound remorseful and would consider doing it again.


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## Stupidact (Dec 18, 2012)

Before this relationship, I was married for 8 years, but was with him for about 14 years. He is the father of my children. It was an emotionally abbusive relationship and I did cheat on him with my current FS. As soon as it happened, I left my marriage, and have been with current guy ever since. Itold my former husband about it straight away, and left the same day. 
This is the only time I have cheated in this relationship. I understand that you have a low opinion of me, and do not blame you, but your opinion of my lack of remorse is incorrect. I have never been sorrier in my life. I have ripped this man's heart out and ruined a friendship. Do I hate myself...he'll yes. Have I cried for weeks on end...yes...have I stopped eating and relating with friends, or been able to have a sane thought ever since...the list god on...I couldn't feel more sorry....


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Stupidact said:


> Before this relationship, I was married for 8 years, but was with him for about 14 years. He is the father of my children. It was an emotionally abbusive relationship and I did cheat on him with my current FS. As soon as it happened, I left my marriage, and have been with current guy ever since. Itold my former husband about it straight away, and left the same day.
> This is the only time I have cheated in this relationship. I understand that you have a low opinion of me, and do not blame you, but your opinion of my lack of remorse is incorrect. I have never been sorrier in my life. I have ripped this man's heart out and ruined a friendship. Do I hate myself...he'll yes. Have I cried for weeks on end...yes...have I stopped eating and relating with friends, or been able to have a sane thought ever since...the list god on...I couldn't feel more sorry....


What do you do to support your husbands healing? And does he tell you what he needs from you?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Im guessing that your BH is sitting around beating himself up for being an idiot. Afterall you cheated with him, he had to know you would cheat on him too.

Until he stops beating himself up for being an idiot you wont get anywhere.

He feels like he just got smashed by the karma bus!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Stupidact said:


> Before this relationship, I was married for 8 years, but was with him for about 14 years. He is the father of my children. It was an emotionally abbusive relationship and I did cheat on him with my current FS. As soon as it happened, I left my marriage, and have been with current guy ever since. Itold my former husband about it straight away, and left the same day.
> This is the only time I have cheated in this relationship. I understand that you have a low opinion of me, and do not blame you, but your opinion of my lack of remorse is incorrect. I have never been sorrier in my life. I have ripped this man's heart out and ruined a friendship. Do I hate myself...he'll yes. Have I cried for weeks on end...yes...have I stopped eating and relating with friends, or been able to have a sane thought ever since...the list god on...I couldn't feel more sorry....


Answer this honestly. Are you still lying because the complete truth will hurt your BS more ? Are you lying to protect him ?

Being sorry is a good start. But it is not enough.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Im guessing that your BH is sitting around beating himself up for being an idiot. Afterall you cheated with him, he had to know you would cheat on him too.
> 
> Until he stops beating himself up for being an idiot you wont get anywhere.
> 
> He feels like he just got smashed by the karma bus!


:iagree:

Been there before...not fun

If you want to really R with your husband, you need to start reading the threads about heavy lifting and what a WS needs to do for a successful R.

But, it sounds like you could possibly be a serial cheater - you cheated on your first marriage with your current H and now cheated on him with a mutal friend. I don't think it was a ONS like other posters suggested, especially if that guy was involved in your life previously. Most ONS are with some random stranger that you never see again. Thats why they are called ONS....

If you want honest advice to help you out and are serious about fixing your marriage, you need to be honest with us.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Stupidact said:


> It was an emotionally abbusive relationship and *I did cheat on him with my current FS.* As soon as it happened, I left my marriage, and have been with current guy ever since.
> *This is the only time I have cheated in this relationship.*


You are a serial cheater and being sorry is not enough.
I'm afraid it's in your blood to see cheating as the only solution to escape from problems in your marriage.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

@Stupidact

The act if deception/being unfaithful didn't occur with the ONS. It began waaaayyyy before that (unless you were extremely drunk), since it occurred with a mutual friend. 
So, please be honest with us. 


When did you start flirting, texting, kissing, the OM? It sounds like your BS knew something was going on between you and OM to catch you in the act. 

From what I've read here, when a BS actually catches a WS in the act of cheating (undressed and/or in a compromising position)
The chance of reconciliation in slim to none. That's because he doesn't need to rely on mind movies, he's seen the deception with his own eyes. Very difficult to ever get past it.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Please tell the story - what happened?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

You have to understand that because your ONS was with a mutual friend, it is hard to believe that it just happened. There must have been some sort of attraction before you jumped into bed together. Maybe an EA that existed for months and you both finally acted upon it?

Also realize that this is a double betrayal for your partner. You and his so-called "friend".


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I agree you have to figure out why having sex with a man other than your husband is your "go to" response to problems in your life.

Without you having that self awareness and ability to stop it, your husband is not safe with you and recognizes that.


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## Stupidact (Dec 18, 2012)

cpacan said:


> What do you do to support your husbands healing? And does he tell you what he needs from you?


I have been trying to give him as much space as he needs, while trying to get him to talk about what happened from time to,time. At this stage he doesn't want to talk about the event, or our future (if we have one). I have told him that even though I don't have any right to ask, that I would like to save this marriage if he is willing. I have tried to direct him to websites such as this, and although he seems interested, I don't think he is ready yet. 
Up until this week, we were still sharing our home, and even our bed. We still speak daily, and I let him know every day how sorry I am. Sometimes he doesn't want to hear, sometimes he listens.

I have purchased a few books on coping with this type of trauma and have told him that if he is willing, that I would like him to come to see my psych.

On days where he doesn't want to go to work, I will go and do the jobs by myself. 

I guess anything I can to show him that I am sorry and that I do want to R,


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Once a cheater, always a cheater.


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

What makes you think a man with an adulteress wife wants to be married any longer, the mistrust will never go away and he will never be happy , you have killed a part of him, just let him go so he can find someone who does truly love him


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

oh and by the way it was not one stupid act it was many decisions that brought you to be naked and on your back with some user, find out why then fix your self. before ever trying to heal your husband, this is so selfish of you to want him to stay married to a cheater. Ask yourself what would you feel like or do if it was your BH who was caught. 

I think the sight of some other man inside my wife would be the end


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## Stupidact (Dec 18, 2012)

Silverlining said:


> @Stupidact
> 
> The act if deception/being unfaithful didn't occur with the ONS. It began waaaayyyy before that (unless you were extremely drunk), since it occurred with a mutual friend.
> So, please be honest with us.
> ...


I agree that the problems that lead to this started way before that night, but there wasn't any EA preceding it. Up until yesterday, I haven't had a mobile phone for around 12 months. (I dropped it, and smashed the screen....haven't been able to get it fixed). If I needed to send a text, I would use BS's phone....so no texting, IM's, or any physical contact at all. I was not, and am not in any way attracted to the OM. 

The night in question involved a lot of alcohol. I am not using that as an excuse, just stating a fact. Yes, I am preparing myself for the attack...(sorry, as an Aussie, it is in my nature to deflect with humour)

It had been a weekend binge. Starting on the Sat night with a BBQ with a few friends. I spent most of the night cooking and feeding kids/guests and making sure everyone was having a good time. Then a great friend of mine turned up, and a spent the majority of the night talking to her. My BS and I went to bed after everyone had left (about 2am)
The next day, some of the revellers turned up in the morning, and seen as so much food was left over, I cooked everyone breakfast. The guests and my BS started drinking about 9am. I stayed sober to pick people up/drop off cars etc for a few hours. About 11am, my jobs were all done, and I had my first drink. Many, many hours later the drinkers had dwindled down to just myself, and 2 other people. I am not sure when it got down to just myself and the OM, but I do recall having a stupid drunken attempt and a D&M with him about some of the problems BS and I were having. Yes, I was stupid for putting myself in that situation, but clearly wasn't thinking straight.
I am not even sure how or at what point this conversation turned physical, and I certainly had never imagined/fantasised that it would....but somehow it did. I can't change that, as much as I would like to.

BS heard our dog barking and walked outside....you can imagine the rest.

I am deeply ashamed of myself and have been trying to work out my failings in order to move on and be a better person not only for my BS (if he'll have me) but also for my kids and myself.


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## Stupidact (Dec 18, 2012)

Jeffery said:


> oh and by the way it was not one stupid act it was many decisions that brought you to be naked and on your back with some user, find out why then fix your self. before ever trying to heal your husband, this is so selfish of you to want him to stay married to a cheater. Ask yourself what would you feel like or do if it was your BH who was caught.
> 
> I think the sight of some other man inside my wife would be the end


I agree, it is incredibly selfish of me to even ask him to R. But I honestly believe that we have the potential to build an amazing life together, an open, honest, loving life. Surely if he feels the same way, it is worth a shot? I know that I am the one that has to do the hard yards, and I am willing.
And yes, I have asked myself what I would do if the tables were turned....many times in the last few weeks.


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## firedog1 (Sep 17, 2012)

He needs LOTS of room right now! He may not act like it but, he still loves you or you would be HISTORY now. Just be there for him and do not pressure him to discuss it all of the time. If he wants to talk he will and he will also VENT his anger so be prepared for it. Do not shut him out or stay in his face all of the time. There are times I would give anything for just a hug! I have been waiting weeks for that and I will not beg for one. 2 months and counting!


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## Stupidact (Dec 18, 2012)

Thank you! Although that just started the tears all over again!


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