# Books for my husband to 'man up'



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Suggestions?????


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Books don't make a guy more of a man.

He is what he is. Genetics, life experiences, upbringing, that's why he is what he is.

But you already knew this. You married him anyway. Now all of a sudden it bothers you?

Maybe you can find a book to read that will help you understand why he's a pu%%y.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

hisfac said:


> Books don't make a guy more of a man.
> 
> He is what he is. Genetics, life experiences, upbringing, that's why he is what he is.
> 
> ...


thanks for your kindness. Do me a favor ....buzz off.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

It has to be something HE wants to do. And if HE wanted to do it - HE'd be here asking the question himself.

Guess I'm kind of agreeing with "hisfac" here - just not being an ass about it.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> It has to be something HE wants to do. And if HE wanted to do it - HE'd be here asking the question himself.
> 
> Guess I'm kind of agreeing with "hisfac" here - just not being an ass about it.


He is sitting her next to me, fyi. so in essence HE is asking.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> He is sitting her next to me, fyi. so in essence HE is asking.


He's sitting there next to you as you ask random internet strangers how he can be more of a man?

I'm afraid the situation is hopeless.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am unclear what the problem is. What is it that you wish him to man up about?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Is there a specific topic?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

hisfac said:


> He's sitting there next to you as you ask random internet strangers how he can be more of a man?
> 
> I'm afraid the situation is hopeless.


wow, youre a sweetheart. Divorced, you say?????


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Are you stealing his pillow at night?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> wow, youre a sweetheart. Divorced, you say?????


Leave him be. he is just nasty. Stay on topic and ignor him.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

HE can look in the Men's Clubhouse. There is a "sticky" or two at the top that should help him get started in the right direction.

Why are you typing for him?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Is there a specific topic?


Thor, yes the specific topic is that he tends to be a people pleaser. It gets him in trouble. He is too nice when it comes to being flirtatius and he doesnt stand his ground when he should sometimes. he needs to learn boundaries. Simple to me, not so much to him.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> wow, youre a sweetheart. Divorced, you say?????


Yes I'm divorced but currently in an exclusive committed relationship so I'm off the market.



nice777guy said:


> Are you stealing his pillow at night?


He probably isn't allowed to own one.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> HE can look in the Men's Clubhouse. There is a "sticky" or two at the top that should help him get started in the right direction.
> 
> Why are you typing for him?


b/c he isnt a member. I just showed him this sight today. I post my agonizing moments on here so I havent really shared it with him(he moved to the kitchen for now)


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No-To Take Control of Your Life. By Henry Cloud, John Townsend - Running Press (2004) - Hardback - 160 pages - ISBN 0762421029 

I used this book in the past. It is Christian. So it will have religious stuff in it.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> b/c he isnt a member. I just showed him this sight today. I post my agonizing moments on here so I havent really shared it with him(he moved to the kitchen for now)


Why is he in the kitchen? Real men don't cook OR do the dishes.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

No More Mister Nice Guy - forget the author (?Glover?) - is the usual book of choice.

But HE'S the flirt in these situations?

Sorry about the pillow comment. Your post looked kind of liked something else...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

More on the subject. Again I come from a Christian worldview and many of these share that worldview.

1). Cloud, Henry. Changes That Heal: How to Understand Your Past to Ensure a

Healthier Future. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1990.

This book and its workbook will lead the reader through the dynamics of maturing in healthy togetherness with others and healthy separation from others.

2). Cloud, Henry. Changes That Heal Workbook: How to Understand Your Past to

Ensure a Healthier Future. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1994.


3). Cloud, Henry, John Townsend. Boundaries In Marriage. Grand Rapids, MI:

Zondervan, 1999.



This book will give you specific guidance on what healthy boundaries in a marriage are and are not.

4). Cloud, Henry, John Townsend. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No,

To Take Control on Your Life. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1992.

This is a basic introductory book to the whole idea of boundaries.

5). Cloud, Henry, John Townsend. Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, When

to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life.Grand Rapids,MI:Zondervan,1995.

6). Forward, Susan. Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear,

Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. NY: Harper-Collins Publishers,

1997.

7). Hemfelt, Robert, Frank Minirth, Paul Meier. Love is a Choice. Nashville: Thomas

Nelson Publishers, 1989.

8). Hemfelt, Robert, Frank Minirth, Paul Meier, Deborah Newman, Brian Newman.

Love Is A Choice Workbook. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers,1991.

These two books address the co-dependency that many family members and friends of the mentally ill struggle with.

9). Kreger, Randi, with James Paul Shirely. The Stop Walking on Eggshells

Workbook Review.

10). Kreger, Randi,and Kim A. Willams-Justensen. Love and Loathing: Protecting

Your Mental Health and Legal Rights When Your Partner Has

Borderline Personality Disorder.

11). Lawson, Christine Ann, Ph.D. and Jason Aronson. Understanding the Borderline

Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and

Volatile Relationship

Dealing with this mental illness within a family calls for wise and firm boundaries. This book offers practical insights and instruction where Stop Walking on Eggshells only touches on lightly. The two books together make an awesome pair. This book is quoted at length in the workbook for SWOE.

I’ve used this book in counseling with adult children of a “Mommy Dearest” type. It is not only descriptive of the four types of these mothers but also prescriptive in how to relate with each type within healthy boundaries. Some may find a surprising insight about fibromyalgia and other auto-immune deficiency diseases in this book.

12). Mason, Paul T., Randi Kreger, and Larry J. Siever. Stop Walking on

Eggshells; Coping When Someone You Care about Has

Borderline Personality Disorder New Harbinger Pubns (July 1998)



While this book is written specifically for dealing with one mental illness, 

I find its principles solid and transferable to help anyone to stop walking 

on eggshells around them and reclaim their own life.



13). Melville, Lynn. Breaking Free From Boomerang Love: Getting

Unhooked From Borderline Personality Disorder Relationships



14). Roth, Kimberlee and Freda B. Friedman. Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to

Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self Esteem. 

Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publishers, Inc., 2003.Review.



15). Tinman, Ozzie. One Way Ticket to Kansas: Caring about Someone

with Borderline Personality Disorder and Finding a Healthy You





16) Whitfield, Charles L. Boundaries and Relationships. Deerfield, FL: Health

Communications, Inc., 1993.



This is a very thorough book on much more than just personal boundaries. (my favorite!!!)


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No-To Take Control of Your Life. By Henry Cloud, John Townsend - Running Press (2004) - Hardback - 160 pages - ISBN 0762421029
> 
> I used this book in the past. It is Christian. So it will have religious stuff in it.


Thanks. i appreciate your KINDNESS. Btw, How did your weekend go w/your wife?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> No More Mister Nice Guy - forget the author (?Glover?) - is the usual book of choice.
> 
> But HE'S the flirt in these situations?
> 
> Sorry about the pillow comment. Your post looked kind of liked something else...


He returns it heavily when given which of course keeps it going. Its an ego thing I think. And he just doesnt seem to get boundaries even in other situations....his mother, his friends etc.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Thanks. i appreciate your KINDNESS. Btw, How did your weekend go w/your wife?


OK for the most part. I triggered sucked it in till Sunday afternoon. We were at the hotel and right at the elevator were brochures for local attractions and there were brochures for the place the OM worked and where my WS would pick him up to have sex. I did not know that part of the place the OM worked was a tourist attraction. Saw them dam* brochures everytime I got on or off the elevator. Finally told the wife on Sunday when she asked why I was angry. I told her we can't even get away from this crap without it slapping me in the face.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> OK for the most part. I triggered sucked it in till Sunday afternoon. We were at the hotel and right at the elevator were brochures for local attractions and there were brochures for the place the OM worked and where my WS would pick him up to have sex. I did not know that part of the place the OM worked was a tourist attraction. Saw them dam* brochures everytime I got on or off the elevator. Finally told the wife on Sunday when she asked why I was angry. I told her we can't even get away from this crap without it slapping me in the face.


Bummer. And yes they plague us. Was she at least understanding? My H is just starting to learn about triggers. I hope you managed to do some bonding anyway.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Bummer. And yes they plague us. Was she at least understanding? My H is just starting to learn about triggers. I hope you managed to do some bonding anyway.


She did. 

We had a long talk last night. When I got back to my apartment I tried to call her. My son told me she was sleeping (it was late) So I texted her. I stink at doing the text thing. Sent a text at midnight and then at 2 A.M.

I have lost it. I just can't deal with it anymore and need peace. I told her via text that when i come home tomorrow I will leave my cell phone at home. i will not be getting on the computer to check our accounts. I said I will be giving her full access to her computer, FB and all our accounts (some of which I changed the passwords). I told her I will no longer be checking on her. I apologized for breaking up her relationships with guys she had worked so hard to establish and that I will no longer interfer with her hooking up with men. i said I will no longer check on her and do not want to know where she is or what she is doing. I said I do not want access to any of our accounts and asked her to change all the passwords once I give her access. I told her I am done checking and holding her accountable.

She called me first thing this morning and asked me if I am OK that she is worried about me and that she said I have done what any husband would have done. I said I am sorry for breaking up your love relationships and I will never check on her again or do it. i said she is free to do whatever she wants. I said I had it. I said I will not talk about the affair or her issues. I said I will come home on weekends, do chores around the house, and am looking forward to moving into our new home and that is it. I said we can have a half open relationship. I will remain clean and she can do whatever. 

I am done checking and driving myself nuts. My new mantra is I do not care.

She keeps calling me saying she loves me and is making my favorite food. I said if this is to change my mind then don't. She said don't give up the phone I like talking to you. I said keep talking because after tomorrow the phone is gone.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Eco said:


> The first step is for him to tell you to appreciate him for who he is, how he is, and what he is...and in so doing, he may begin to do that himself.


Thanks Eco. I will as soon as I pull the knife from my chest from his year long EA.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> She did.
> 
> We had a long talk last night. When I got back to my apartment I tried to call her. My son told me she was sleeping (it was late) So I texted her. I stink at doing the text thing. Sent a text at midnight and then at 2 A.M.
> 
> ...


Dont give up Thor. I know it sucks. I know it hurts. I know you wanna cut your heart from your chest but dont give up.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

lol.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

for pit :rofl:
Amen Brother!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

If he is a pleaser, No More Mr. Nice Guy may be useful.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I usually don't recommend books on this subject because I'm not a big fan of the common ones cited these days, but in my opinion, "Fire in the Belly: On Being a Man" is a book that every man should at least read. Talks about some very fundamental concepts about what it means to be a man in todays world.


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## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Thor, yes the specific topic is that he tends to be a people pleaser. It gets him in trouble. He is too nice when it comes to being flirtatius and he doesnt stand his ground when he should sometimes. he needs to learn boundaries. Simple to me, not so much to him.


Please clarify, is he too flirtatious and not respecting your boundaries, or is he not setting boundaries and letting you walk all over him? It has an impact on the type of advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

inmygut said:


> Please clarify, is he too flirtatious and not respecting your boundaries, or is he not setting boundaries and letting you walk all over him? It has an impact on the type of advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


too flirtatious and not respecting my boundaries.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

inmygut said:


> Please clarify, is he too flirtatious and not respecting your boundaries, or is he not setting boundaries and letting you walk all over him? It has an impact on the type of advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


believe me I dont walk all over him. If anyone is being walked all over, its me. Im the one who has been fileted lately.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

"Married Man Sex Life" at Amazon there is also a website.

Here is the blog:

Married Man Sex Life

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Its not a silly question at all. A lot of alpha men turn into betas over time and need to regain their mojo.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

chapparal said:


> "Married Man Sex Life" at Amazon there is also a website.
> 
> Here is the blog:
> 
> ...


Athol is coming out with a new MMSL in April I believe. Great book and worth the read and reread.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

hisfac said:


> He's sitting there next to you as you ask random internet strangers how he can be more of a man?
> 
> I'm afraid the situation is hopeless.


Lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

hisfac said:


> Why is he in the kitchen? Real men don't cook OR do the dishes.


Lol oh man you're cracking me up here. Good ones.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

hisfac said:


> Why is he in the kitchen? Real men don't cook OR do the dishes.


Its only against man-code if he bakes a quiche. If he does that not even Athol will be able to help him.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover is the best single source. There is a forum at nomoremrniceguy.com/forums which is a superb adjunct to the book, but not a substitute for the book.

The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida is a different approach with different information. 

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Good for the person who has trouble with setting boundaries and/or being assertive.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

But honestly - still wondering if this is you asking on his behalf, or you asking because YOU think he needs to Man-Up.

It really does mean something a little different to all of us - but it's not something you can be made to do. Kind of defeats the purpose when you are doing it for someone else.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thor said:


> No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover is the best single source. There is a forum at nomoremrniceguy.com/forums which is a superb adjunct to the book, but not a substitute for the book.
> 
> The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida is a different approach with different information.
> 
> When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Good for the person who has trouble with setting boundaries and/or being assertive.


Thanks Thor. He bought a couple of your suggestions for his nook. Hopefully this will address a COUPLE of the issues that led to his EA. 

BTW, hows it going for you?


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## marriedinnh (Mar 25, 2012)

Could you be more specific about what you/he would like to change?



canttrustu said:


> Suggestions?????


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

My take on it is that he engages in flirting because he simply wants to and there have been no consequences to his actions. No consequences to his actions equals no motivation to change. If he refuses to change his behavior then go to an attorney to understand your options. He is showing you no respect. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

bryanp said:


> My take on it is that he engages in flirting because he simply wants to and there have been no consequences to his actions. No consequences to his actions equals no motivation to change. If he refuses to change his behavior then go to an attorney to understand your options. He is showing you no respect. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


Bryanp, youre a wise one. I have come to that conclusion. Its b/c he can. Period. B/c he can. Well there have now been consequenses. He had to tell our grown children(who definately did not let him off easy), He has to get a new job, go to counseling, and we are on the brink. So NOW there ARE consequenses. He gets NO privacy. NO passwords, no hiding his phone, nada. I am done being his fool. However, he does need some help to change w/being a people pleaser in general(not being a flirt thats a different ballgame). He needs to say NO. To his mom, his family, his coworkers just in general. And the flirting thing ends now or he his single b/c its a catalyst for EA's. PERIOD. Any suggestions BryanP?


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