# Wealthy husband investing only for himself



## AllIn (Aug 7, 2013)

Quick background on my 7 year marriage. I left everything, friends, family, career, house (which I owned), had a little dept including a student loan, signed a prenup and moved to marry my now husband. Decided to have a child even though I had 2 grown children already. Everything has been good. He's paid my debt including my student loan (at his offer) since I have been a stay-at-home-Mom. However, because I have been home for so long, I pretty much cannot get back into my field...at least not where I left off. I'd pretty much be answering phones. So I do see it as I gave up my career and any chance to make real money at it to be with this man. OK. So no biggie. All is well. We are happy. We live nicely. The issue that has arisen recently is that he has received a substantial amount of money that is not "mine" from an investment. He is now reinvesting, but he is not including me in any way, shape or form. Not even a small percentage. I'm a pretty traditionally thinking woman. The prenup was very hard for me, but I understood the reasons. However, I always thought a husband and wife should grow assets together. At least somewhat. As he invests $50,000 here and $100,000 there, how should I be feeling about this...other than left out? What's "right?"


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If you two plan on staying together, it is "yours" in the sense that you have no income and both of you are living on whatever money he brings in via work or investment. Unless he plans on letting you starve or refuses to pay your medical bills as you get older.

If you plan on divorcing, in most cases, you would be entitled to half of the assets created during your marriage, including investments he wants to call his own, but won't be considered "his" by the courts. Inheritances are an exception. And I don't know what your pre-nup says about division of assets in case of divorce.

However, his mentality about this is what would be troubling to me. Why does he feel it necessary to label it "his"?


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## AllIn (Aug 7, 2013)

Norajane - He considers it his because it was there before I came along. There are no plans for divorce...hopefully ever. I just feel a little left behind as he talks about all these investments and growth opportunities. I don't know what to do about it if anything.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm in this position and what I've done is insist that my husband fund my retirement to my satisfaction since I've been home raising his kids for the past 10 years. The money isn't mine nor do I want it but I do expect my future to be provided for in the event of divorce or his death. Had I not given up my career I'd be investing in a 401(k) or other plan. It's only fair that he make up for that loss since I gave it up for him and HIS kids.

Oh and had my husband NOT agreed to this I was going to go back to work. I REFUSE to put my financial future in anyone else's hands unless they can prove I am taken care of.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

norajane said:


> If you plan on divorcing, in most cases, you would be entitled to half of the assets created during your marriage, including investments he wants to call his own, but won't be considered "his" by the courts.


I don't think you're correct. 

If it's his separate money from prior to the marriage AND he's got a prenup, those funds and any interest on those monies are his if they're kept separate from joint marital funds. Even in the absence of a prenup I think that would be the case in most jurisdictions.

But that's not really the point.

Yeah it sucks that you're legally married but for all practical purposes you're really not. 

Marriage is nothing more than a financial contract anyway.

Throw in a prenup and the marriage is meaningless.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lenzi is right. My husband's money is untouchable by me. As long as he keeps it separate from me legally I have no rights to it.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Prenups don't always hold up in court. I would consult an attorney or talk to him about getting rid of the prenup.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I can see where he is coming from, you did sign a pre nup so clearly this type of thing was discussed pre marriage. Second marriages are very different to first when it comes to financial issues but as you have a child together it is a complicated situation.
Does he have other children? Wouldn't he be leaving his estate to his children anyway? If so then your child will be taken care of which is the important thing.

He is being insensitive if he is big noting his investments that are separate to your life together. But you need to separate the emotional thinking from the practical, you signed a pre nup and need to stand by it.

My situation looks like this:
Me, wealthy in my own right, six figure wealth. Not much in the way of wages through choice, I don't need to do paid work.
Him, wealthy in his own right, extremely high wage but less assets due to divorce/ ex with mental health issues.

When the day comes that we live together we will have a pre nup (Binding financial agreement in my country). What we each take into our co habitating life remains ours/ our respective children's.
We will contribute equally to our living together costs.
We will start to build a financial life together eg investments, business interests etc.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

We don't have the document to read and 95% of us wouldn't have valid advice to give if we did.

If you're just venting then this is a great place but if you're looking for advice on what action you should take then maybe a lawyer is the better option.


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## AllIn (Aug 7, 2013)

Thanks for the input. The prenup is in place in the event of divorce. Since we are married and have no plans to change that, the prenup isn't really in effect. 

I'm not looking for legal advise but rather more moral or ethical insight. 

Am I wrong or out of line to feel like his building assets alone without me is not in line with marriage? He invests for both of us a 401K annually, by the way. And it has nothing to do with previous marriages or children (though, like I mentioned, we do have one child together). 

Honestly, if he invested $50,000 in something and said, "Hey Hon. How about I involve you 5-10-15%," that would make all the difference in my mind. At least, he wouldn't just be thinking about himself. 

I believe in a marriage, we should raise each other up...in all ways possible. I just don't have anything to compare this situation to. I only know how I "feel" and that's not enough for me to know I'm justified. 

So basically, that's all I'm looking for. Are my feelings rational?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I went through all these same feelings when I realized my husband's money wasn't mine. It took me probably a few weeks to process it but I've also had YEARS of therapy. 

In the end I decided to let it go. He is providing for me, our kids and as long as he continues to do that to my satisfaction I'm good. I didn't marry him for money and truthfully it's NOT mine. It was his before he met me. 

Divorce isn't on the table so my biggest concern is what happens if he dies. As long as he funds my retirement and has life insurance I'm happy.

But let me tell you I was HIGHLY upset at first so I totally get that.

My husband is a great guy and even though my name isn't on it considers it OUR money. I argued this at first but now I've stopped. No point.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

AllIn said:


> The prenup is in place in the event of divorce.


That's stating the obvious.



AllIn said:


> Am I wrong or out of line to feel like his building assets alone without me is not in line with marriage?


He's keeping his finances separate, he's protecting himself and not considering your financial security at all.

The prenup protects him, not you.

What you have is a pseudomarriage. It's a relationship, made a bit more.. "complicated" with a piece of paper you both signed - called a marriage license- but it's basically nullified by another piece of paper that says when and if you get divorced you don't get a dime of his money.

I'd say your feelings are rational. 

I don't get why people get married, especially a second or third time around, with a prenup? I mean, why bother?

It's like taking an umbrella that's full of holes with you when you go for a walk, and you figure, it doesn't matter that the umbrella is full of holes, because well yeah, the sky is a bit cloudy but it's probably not going to rain.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

lenzi said:


> That's stating the obvious.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Because it is a perfectly rational and reasonable thing to do. A pre nup protects existing assets and I can tell you that anyone that has substantial assets has a right and a desire to protect them. 
If someone has little in the way of assets then it is a moot point.

Second and subsequent marriages have a higher chance of divorce than first marriages, throw in kids and it all makes getting a pre nup the sensible thing to do.

I would not cohabitate or marry without one.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

As long as he continues to provide for you and take care of you while also ensuring you'll be supported in the event of his death,why do you care about anything else?
he had the money before you.It's not yours and you didn't work to earn it.Therefore he doesn't have to include you in decisions regarding that money.To expect him to do so would be very unfair and honestly makes you sound like you're all about money.

You have a man who loves you.He cares for you and sounds like he is trying to make smart decisions for your future.I think it's best to let this issue go and recognize that you're sweating the small stuff right now.

The tone of your original post sounds a tad resentful of all you gave up to be with this person.I think you need to remember this was your choice and no one forced you to do anything you didn't want to do.Picking at him over this investment issue would be unwise.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Here's what I would do.
This is a bit crude, and I apologize for that.
Start masturbating with a dildo. Then go on and on about how fun it is masturbating with your dildo. Then give him bare miniumum amount of sex. Then he will know what you feel like.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Holland said:


> Because it is a perfectly rational and reasonable thing to do. A pre nup protects existing assets and I can tell you that anyone that has substantial assets has a right and a desire to protect them.
> If someone has little in the way of assets then it is a moot point.
> 
> Second and subsequent marriages have a higher chance of divorce than first marriages, throw in kids and it all makes getting a pre nup the sensible thing to do.


I get why someone who has a lot of money would want to protect that money and get a prenup prior to marriage.

What I don't get is why even bother getting married, I mean, what's the difference between being in a relationship with someone, versus marrying them with a prenup? The prenup basically says the marriage is ok until and unless it's not ok and then it's over- and goodbye and good luck.



Holland said:


> I would not cohabitate or marry without one.


You wouldn't move in with a guy without a prenup? Why not? Besides a prenup is only done when you get married, not just when you move in together.

If you are only moving in together, there is no financial commitment, therefore as long as you keep your monies separate, it's all good. Unless you're in a commonlaw state which recognizes "marriage" after a certain number of years of cohabitation.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

lenzi said:


> I get why someone who has a lot of money would want to protect that money and get a prenup prior to marriage.
> 
> What I don't get is why even bother getting married, I mean, what's the difference between being in a relationship with someone, versus marrying them with a prenup? The prenup basically says the marriage is ok until and unless it's not ok and then it's over- and goodbye and good luck.
> 
> ...


In Australia when you live with someone for 6 months or more you are under the same legal requirements as marriage when it comes to separation. So if I lived with a man he could take half or part of my assets if we split.

Here it is called a Binding Financial Agreement and you can have one draw up at anytime, you don't have to be married.

I have an asset pool in the millions and am never going to do anything to risk my kids future. Having been divorced in the past I know that life can change, no one is immune to that.
My partner also has his own wealth and we both agree that it is prudent to protect our respective children. We will build our own combined wealth as well so this will not be bound by a pre nup.
SO and I are madly in love we have plans to live the rest of our lives together, getting a pre nup has nothing to do with love, it is simply a sensible thing to do then just move on with life without having to think about money issues.

For sure if people have little in the way of assets a pre nup is a moot point but the guy in the OP sounds like he had substantial wealth before they married, in this case a pre nup is logical.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Has he discussed what he plans on using this investment money for? You have a child together - is this investment income going to be used to provide for your child to go to college? 

I think that would be my bigger question on whether or not he labels it "his." That - if he's not including you in discussing it, or decisions about the money - what exactly are his plans for it?

And - while the pre-nup may state you have no "right" to the money - you two do have a child together, therefore - providing for the child's future should be an open discussion even if the money is "his."


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

In my husbands case the money goes to his kids automatically if he dies. Its his choice to use it for college or not (it will be). They are taken care of I am not. If he dies before they become of age the money is locked up and managed by a trustee which again isn't me.

I've had to separate myself from this money. It's as if he owns a business with others that I have no claims to. He can take money from that and fund my retirement, buy life insurance, buy me things but its not mine.

I'm okay with all this as long as I am provided for today and in the event of his death,


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Yeah, I think at least that would be something that needs discussing, and should be discussed in all marriages, really, regardless of how much or how little money someone makes - life insurance and setting up wills/trusts for children.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

AllIn said:


> Quick background on my 7 year marriage. I left everything, friends, family, career, house (which I owned), had a little dept including a student loan, signed a prenup and moved to marry my now husband. Decided to have a child even though I had 2 grown children already. Everything has been good. He's paid my debt including my student loan (at his offer) since I have been a stay-at-home-Mom. However, because I have been home for so long, I pretty much cannot get back into my field...at least not where I left off. I'd pretty much be answering phones. So I do see it as I gave up my career and any chance to make real money at it to be with this man. OK. So no biggie. All is well. We are happy. We live nicely. The issue that has arisen recently is that he has received a substantial amount of money that is not "mine" from an investment. He is now reinvesting, but he is not including me in any way, shape or form. Not even a small percentage. I'm a pretty traditionally thinking woman. The prenup was very hard for me, but I understood the reasons. However, I always thought a husband and wife should grow assets together. At least somewhat. As he invests $50,000 here and $100,000 there, how should I be feeling about this...other than left out? What's "right?"


Firstly AllIn, if you feel left out then you should tell him how you feel. Maybe he would be fine with you facilitating some of the investments if you ask. It sounds like you're happy with your life together. You're his wife so he must care about how you feel. Just don't make is a pissing contest where you guys posture and both feel unappreciated.

I would approach the "sacrifices and woe is me" concept carefully because this could sound to him like he's being blamed for it when these were your choices for your own reasons. Saying you left family, friends, career, and house behind sounds resentful and victimized which I don't think is how you feel. I think you want to share the investment choices and feel like you're contributing to your future and you feel like he should recognise your sacrifices and be happy to compromise. Remember though that you've gained alot too. You got to start a second family and chose SAHM to be with your child ( I assume you wanted this as you say you're traditional-ish ). That's only possible because he's a good provider. Your debts were paid probably including remainding morgage on home. I suspect he didn't say that you can't work. You can go back to work if you choose to. In short; I think you should tell him how you feel but you should try to see sacrifices objectively.


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## AllIn (Aug 7, 2013)

Thank you, Thundarr and the rest of you who took the time to offer sincere and constructive advise. I am choosing to let it go...for now. He does take good care of me and our child and his step-son. We do not plan to divorce; and in the unfortunate event that that would happen, I have a plan B...despite the fact that I cannot get back into my professional field. I'm OK with things as they stand. Thanks again.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

AllIn said:


> He does take good care of me and our child and his step-son. We do not plan to divorce; and in the unfortunate event that that would happen, I have a plan B.


The fact that he takes good care of you, your child and his step son, and that you have a plan B is irrelevant.

It's like saying "its ok if we get hit with a nuclear bomb because there's a fallout shelter one block over".

He's not thinking of you when he plans his financial future. 

He married you but he's got his own plan B if things don't work out.

No one "plans to divorce" when they get married, but in your case there's an uneven distribution of wealth and he's covering his a$$-ets and that leaves you feeling rather insecure and well, hurt. And that makes perfect sense. You can choose to "let it go" but it's still going to bother you, for good reason. You can't just make those feelings go away. If we could we wouldn't need therapists, medications and online support forums.

Don't try to water it down with your own plan B or the fact that things are going great. I'm glad you've got a plan B and things are going well but despite his warmth and kindness, he's still #1 and when you get married, it's "not supposed to be that way".


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

lenzi said:


> The fact that he takes good care of you, your child and his step son, and that you have a plan B is irrelevant.
> 
> It's like saying "its ok if we get hit with a nuclear bomb because there's a fallout shelter one block over".
> 
> ...


I agree with this AllIn. I think you should communicate what you want assuming you haven't already.


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