# A question about manning up.....



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I am married to a wonderful man. We've been married almost 25 years. I have no complaints about him....except, he needs to man up! He has not always been as passive as he has become the past couple of years and I don't understand why this has happened. Can you please tell me how to get your husband to man up without coming out and telling him he needs to man up? Thank you much,


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

Search on here for the thread about testostrone levels in older men, you never know.

I think you should tell him, maybe get him talking about it. He might have noticed it but is embarrassed to talk to you about it.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

He has been taking T shots for some time. He isn't a whimp, but he isn't the same assertive man that he used to be. I don't want to hurt his feelings and if I come out and tell him he needs to get some balls it will. He is just taking certain things that he would not have to if he'd just man up like he used to.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I really believe the more passive the man, the lower his Test may be in comparison to other guys, that & combined with his in born "temperment" can speak ALOT about how someone acts and reacts in life & relationships. Or maybe he is stressed on the Job right now, going through a depressive time in his life? And it has taken a dive on his Test levels and how he is overall feeling. 

My husband is on the lower side of Test levels for men, wonderful wonderful man but he will never be the Aggressive Full of shining confidence Alpha that I envison when people talk about those type of Men. He is not outgoing, not the life of the party, not a risk taker, more sensual in bed than aggressive & Dominate.

I know I can not change my husband, I love him for who he is. He is so good in those others areas to make up for a little passiveness, I am no longer bothered -but find it works for us -probably better than if he was more like ME- I am the opposite of him. 

How has your husband changed, what IS bothering you personally, is he falling down on his responsibilities ? IS he allowing you to walk all over him? "No Mr Nice Guy" is a wonderful book to read, to help him see where he may be going wrong, I bought it -just to evaluate where my husband needs to step it up, we read some of it together, He was not offended that I wanted to read about this type of thing. For us to work together, & take a 
second look at how we interact with each other. and try for some changes.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

karole said:


> He has been taking T shots for some time. He isn't a whimp, but he isn't the same assertive man that he used to be. I don't want to hurt his feelings and if I come out and tell him he needs to get some balls it will. He is just taking certain things that he would not have to if he'd just man up like he used to.


Got any specific examples Karole?

Sometimes life gets like a comfortable old pair of slippers and things are working much like we want them to be.

Bob


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## meridian.1960 (Apr 22, 2011)

Karole,

Is it possible that over the years you have unknowingly conditioned him to be more passive than he once was?

Could he somehow be fearful that you will react in a negative way, could his fear of loosing you be standing in his way?

It's been my experience that when most men start being passive, it is out of insecurity and fear.

If you feel that this could be the case, then you may need to find a way to let him know that it is safe for him to man up.

What do you think?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You all make very valid points. It is difficult to explain, but I will try. He is a very reserved man by nature. I do not mean to give the impression that he is whimpy - he is a very masculine man, he enjoys hunting, fishing, sports, rides horses, etc." Our problems began because my husband has a difficult time sleeping and he would end up getting out of our bed and sleeping in the guest room most nights. Soon, it turned into him telling me goodnight and sleeping in the guest room, never coming to our bed. Our sex life deteriorated to almost nothing. He got to the point where he never wanted to have sex and if we did, I felt like he was only doing it out of an obligation, not because he really wanted to. I thought it was my fault or perhaps he didn't find me attractive any more. He assured me that was not it. He told me he was just getting older and that happens as men age. I understand that, but it doesn't happen more or less overnight. I finally talked him into seeing a endocrinologist who put him on T shots. Since then, he is doing better, but I still feel like he only has obligation sex. There is no longer any flirtation or anything like that. He asks me if I want to have sex - I DO NOT WANT TO BE ASKED. I want him to take the initiative and show me. I just want him to be like he used to be. I could tell when he wanted to have sex just by the way he would act - he doesn't act like that anymore. I don't want for our sex life to be a burden and something he feels like he HAS to do. I want it to be something he desires and I want him to show me that he desires me. 

My opinion is that he feels so guilty about the lack of sex that he agrees with anything I want. I don't want him to go along with everything. 

This must sound so childish. I know I should be thankful for what I have and not complain; but, I feel like the man I married has been replaced by a little boy for some reason....................I don't know how to get the man back.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Definitely screams low test to me ...

You may find some useful information here:
Dealing with low testosterone - hypogonadism

Odds are ... and I am speaking from experience that he is EXTREMELY self conscious of his ability to perform at all, coupled with an overall lower drive and desire. It's a poisonous and demoralizing combination.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Karole: 

You are not being childish, NOBODY wants to have what feels like "obligation sex" , not even men want that & us women are ever MORE sensitive than them !! Feeling desired & his passion is something we need. I would NOT want to be asked, it would somehow suck some of the life out of the experience being approached this way. I questioned for a time my husbands desire. In my case, I was pushing his limits tremendously & caused him performance pressure. 

He sounds like my husband, the Reserved type- just his nature. Nothing wrong with this. I can understand your wanting to get back to what was, the Passion in your sex life. 

Besides making sure he is doing all he possibly can on the Test Treatment angle. Maybe you can open up the Affectionate / SEX dialog -how you want to get closer to him, sleep together every night, try some new novelties, get creative, it may have to start with YOU. 

Have a talk about what sexually arouses HIM, and learn how to MASTER anything he suggests. As men get older, oral sex is a life saver. Buy sex books! If you are feeling it more than him, express this in body language, men love to feel desired too- 
let your passion FUEL his passion. MUCH of sex is in the mind, so mastering his arousal may be the jump start you need. 

Not sure of his age, but something like this might be helpful Amazon.com: All Night Long: How to Make Love to a Man Over 50 (9781590770276): Barbara Keesling: Books Hopefully he will be giving you some ideas.

If he is struggling with erections, has be tried any erection enhancers/viagra ? These do nothing for desire hormonally but they sure can lift a man's SPIRITS if he has been struggling in this area, allowing for some HOT nights where he may suddenly feel like a young stuf again, just to get him over a hump (these are not addicting)- if this is an issue ,that is.


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## Darksoul (Mar 31, 2011)

Karole, I am a normally reserved type of guy, but I had always been strong and followed what i beleived in, in my life even with my wife. We started having problems and because of my fear of losing her I gave in more and gave up part of myself. This actually hurt us more then anything and caused everything else to spiral. I don't know if this is the situation with him or not but it has been my experience which has recently put me in a seperation that may not recover. I eventually got depressed pulled away and that actually drove my wife farther away it destroyed our sex life and communication. Giving up to much of yourself in a relationship can easily destroy it or make it worse. I had always put her first to the point of not being myself or taking care of myself. I hope this is not your situation but thought it may be relevant so i posted. Best of luck to you.


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

hmmm. 

Maybe its time to think outside the box, he asks you so he is aware of your needs (that's good!). 

Maybe you could tell him that you would like sex X times per week, and let him know he can pick the when and where. Maybe he can then please you but not ruin the moment.

I had a partner once that was sick, he felt terrible that he couldn't perform so we took the pressure off of him and did everything but that part of the act. Frankly, it was GREAT, for both of us. I was happy and he felt he served his purpose 

Affection, maybe try and kick up the non sex affection, park picnics with no expectation of sex, etc. 

One last idea...try something new or challenging together, try a new sport, go camping! Just something new or different. I find a little challenge...a shared NEW experience, can really pump some life back into a relationship. 

Good luck, Leah


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