# A Fake Felony



## Birdhouse (Apr 22, 2013)

This is my first post. I searched the forum, not to mention the internet, for something like this so I can relate to someone but I'm not finding anything.

I'm married to a sex offender, but he's a _fake _sex offender. It's a long story with a number of lies, lack of evidence, zero consistency. It was a real wake up call into the court system. 

Now I know how this sounds. And I'm not here to convince anyone, but just assume he's innocent and put yourself in our shoes.

The court system being what it is, and the statistics being what they are, he accepted a plea bargain rather than spend the rest of his life in jail. He spent a very short time in prison and was released early. 

This entire ordeal was obviously emotionally devastating. An atomic bomb in our lives that has since steered everything without consideration for our choices. PTSD left and right. Fearful of strangers, fearful of kids, fearful of teens, fearful of cops, judges, lawyers, strange cars we don't recognize, fearful of going in public, fearful of meeting new people, the list goes on and on.

Life has been a nightmare. All the things associated with being a sex offender are horrific and real. Sure, yeah, there are people who absolutely deserve it. Their lives should be a living hell.

It would've been easier for me to leave even though I believe he's innocent. But I cannot abandon someone I've loved over a decade. 

The aftermath is severe. Financial devastation. Embarrassment. Resentment. The not so mutual decision to not have children. The fear, worry, anxiety all that. A stew of hell.

And here is the newest one, and what made me decide to post on this forum - a lack of respect.

He hasn't had a job, and hasn't made any kind of good-faith effort to find one. He cannot work in the field he was in. He can't get really many kinds of jobs anymore. I am resentful. I am losing respect. I know he went through hell, and I have not been rushing anything. However, I feel like 'it's not fair' (such a whiny statement!) that I am expected to shoulder everything financially for years now. I flat out told him that "this is going to destroy our relationship" but that had no effect. I have been very blunt. I either get no response or a martyrdom type response.

I really don't know what to do. I mean, for my part, I have taken on extra work. I feel guilty if I buy something "frivolous" but it's not b/c he makes me feel that way. He seems entirely happy living off my dime, asking me for money. I mean, he says he doesn't like to, but he hasn't done anything about changing it! 

He's got this little side business he's working on but that is really not a sure thing and it sure isn't doing anything now. I come home from work and nothing is done. No housework, no yardwork, minimal maintenance.

I just resent, resent, resent it. Life sucks.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Hmm,

time too accept it or move on.....and your right not many people are going to believe he isn't a sex offender. did you know him before he did time in jail?


sounds like hes taken advantage of you!


----------



## Birdhouse (Apr 22, 2013)

Hi, yes, we were together over ten years before this happened. Highly educated, respected, and lives full of love and mutual respect. Things were going quite well.

I need to respect his situation, and at the same time, I need for him to take responsibility.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

If he is innocent, I can only imagine the nightmare he is going through. The PTSD must be nightmarish and self-esteem must be destroyed. If you know in your heart he is innocent, find a way to get him into therapy.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

How long ago was it? Do you think you can see an attorney and work on him appealing or getting this offense off his record? Also, there is a new law that says you can't discriminate someone because they have a record. http://m.nbcnews.com/business/new-rules-set-background-checks-job-seekers-735143

Unless he applied in a place where he would be in contact alone with children. Last, I once hired a guy with a bad record because he brought in an article about the police in his area targeting individuals of a certain race. His name was on the article as one of the victims. I did google it just in case. 

It's great that you stand by him I also suggest counseling for him and you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He worked before all this happened, right?

I can only imagine how devastating this has been for him to go through if he is indeed innocent. But it's time for him to start pulling himself together.

My ex became non-functional due to a lot less. But because of my experience with him I have an idea of what you are going through now.

The best way for your husband to work his way through this is for him to start to function normally.

I kept telling my ex that if he would just start by keeping up the house and yard, cook, do the shopping and chores that it would be wonderful. But he would not do it. He would not find a job either.

There comes a point at which a person has to do what it takes to pull themself out of the emotional hell they are living in. You cannot do it for him. Nor should you allow this to pull you down.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What field did your husband work in before this conviction?


----------



## Birdhouse (Apr 22, 2013)

Thank you for all the replies, it is very helpful.

Yes, he had a solid work history prior to this in a field that he is somewhat unable to return to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Regardless of how unfair all of this has been to him, it is also unfair to you. It does have an impact on you, and you do not have to silently suffer forever.

One measure of a person is how he pulls himself up after getting knocked down. Your husband is not doing a stellar job. Now of course it is understandable after what he has been through that he is not all cheery and enthusiastic, but it is not an excuse to fail.

I believe you are within your moral rights to leave him if you are not happy and if he is not working really hard to fix the situation. Regardless of the initial cause, the fact remains you are very unhappy with the relationship and the overall quality of life situation.


----------



## Birdhouse (Apr 22, 2013)

Thor said:


> Regardless of how unfair all of this has been to him, it is also unfair to you. It does have an impact on you, and you do not have to silently suffer forever.
> 
> One measure of a person is how he pulls himself up after getting knocked down. Your husband is not doing a stellar job. Now of course it is understandable after what he has been through that he is not all cheery and enthusiastic, but it is not an excuse to fail.
> 
> I believe you are within your moral rights to leave him if you are not happy and if he is not working really hard to fix the situation. Regardless of the initial cause, the fact remains you are very unhappy with the relationship and the overall quality of life situation.


I needed to hear that.

But, one thing, I'm not interested in leaving. I do need to find a way to communicate effectively.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

more than likely he will never return to "gainful" employment, unless he works for himself. Is that a possibility?

Otherwise, you both may have to come to terms with him being a househusband and you the working spouse. And him not getting chores done while you are at work now doesn't bode well for this type of arrangement.


----------



## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

He's not making an effort to find a job and he does nothing to help out around the house while you're at work all day long.

You're his caretaker, sole provider, and enabler.

He's got no real reason to change.

I think it's ultimatum time- he starts helping out and puts in a serious effort to find a job- but the thing about ultimatums is that you need to be prepared to follow through or you're in worse shape then before you said it.


----------



## Birdhouse (Apr 22, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> more than likely he will never return to "gainful" employment, unless he works for himself. Is that a possibility?
> 
> Otherwise, you both may have to come to terms with him being a househusband and you the working spouse. And him not getting chores done while you are at work now doesn't bode well for this type of arrangement.


I just want him to support himself in some way, not just for the money piece but the self-respect piece too. At least put some effort into it. 
I don't want a househusband- We don't have kids. There's minimal work to do. I expect him to do something with his life to contribute and not expect me to shoulder everything.

There's an outstanding bill for example that is entirely his, and he said to me <It looks like you want that to go to collections.> Why? <Because you haven't done anything about paying it.> 

Really?

I guess I am really angry. This is all unfair.


----------



## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Birdhouse said:


> I just want him to support himself in some way, not just for the money piece but the self-respect piece too.
> 
> There's an outstanding bill for example that is entirely his


He _can't_ pay the bill because he has no money.

But you already know that.

Do you also know that the debt will probably be considered a joint marital debt so your credit rating could take a hit as well?

Forget about him working so he'll have some self respect, he's not interested. You cannot change him.


----------

