# Need Advice



## Gllangel (Jul 6, 2014)

*I originally posted this in Considering separation and divorce, but I didn't really get much help.* {I need to know how the legal process works and how to start it if I do choose divorce. If the child isn't his, since it was before our marriage, is our marriage work working on??}

Two days ago my husband received a letter in the mail regarding child services from the previous state we lived in. I for some reason didn't realize what state was listed on the envelope and disregarded it until the day after. I opened it and it said it was final reminder to the alleged father regarding notice of paternity and financial responsibility. (My husband has never has a problem with me opening his mail so of course this did not come up as an issue.) He was still in bed (not sleeping) as I read it. I came over and asked him what this was about. He immediately denied responsibility and said it was a mistake. I told him it wasn't because it states the baby's birth, the mother's name, and my husband's name. He then told me the (at least what he claims) to be the horrid details. He claims back in 2013 some time right before our wedding he got mad at me, had a few drinks at home, got on a dating app, messaged a girl, then met her at a hotel and had sex with her. She then found out he used a fake name from the hotel and apparently called his phone several times because she was mad at him. (He didn't tell me if he ever responded to her or just ignored her) Well a few months later I suppose, she contacted him and said she was pregnant. He claims that she said that she would not ask for money from him as long as he stayed away from her. (FYI his excuse for all this is we weren't having enough sex or we had argued previously before he cheated on me. I told him that those reasons are not a reason to cheat and he said he knew that...)

Well he decided to not get a dna test, not tell me, and get married anyway. Now when we got married I knew he was sexting people through this dating app as I found out a couple of months before our wedding. I was considering calling it off, but he promised he'd never do it again. (I now know that when I found out it was probably the same night I could not find him or get a hold of him and he was probably out having sex with this girl..) 

So I married him and thought things were going well. Unfortunately I would come to find he was sexting people several time throughout our marriage and one time while I was pregnant.

This child that "may" be his, was born 1/25/14. This has crushed me. I do not believe that there is anyway the child isn't his. He admitted that he didn't use protection. She contacted him immediately when she found out she was pregnant too. The only reason I found out about this is because she is obviously applying for state aid which requires the paternity of the child's father to be known. My husband was never going to tell me about this child. I also doubt he was going to tell me about this letter. (It says final, indicating that there were other letters)

I told him that I didn't believe his story. I don't think they just hooked up and she some how became attached to him or thought he'd call her the next morning (which he did say he would) if it was just a one night stand. He has lied to me before about his sexting and I just keep feeling he probably had sex with this girl more than once, was seeing her or texting her secretly, or there are other women too. I'm not sure if he has been with another woman physically during our marriage or not, but here is my question...

Could you get past this and continue your marriage?

How would you work this out?

Is it really a big deal if it was before marriage?

I'm torn because of my emotions...on the one hand he never owned up to his mistakes, he is clearly immature, and has never been honest with me. This makes me want to separate or divorce him now while I can...but we do have a 3 month old son together...

I love him, but does he deserve my love? (Sorry for the long post...)


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I wouldn't stay but I'm not you.

He has shown no ability to be a good husband.

What kind of man helps create a life and then just rug sweeps his own child like a memory?

This is far larger than simple infidelity. He is beyond selfish and careless.

I don't think he is a good bet. I would advise you to move on and work on your man picker.

He is a particularly vile piece of garbage.

If you choose to stay, there will be lots of advice about how to reconcile and build your marriage.

I think divorcing is best here but that is up to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Oh my, what an awful situation. I'm so sorry you're here with the issues you have. He sounds like a serial cheat. The reason is his lying, serif before marriage, lying, blaming you for 'making him cheat', his lying....He is displaying his true self. The biggest problem you have is that you are not believing him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
The most important thing you need to do is to realize that for your husband to change there has to be a fundamental shift in his personality. This is an extremely rare occurrence, extremely rare. If you understand that then you are now prepared to make decisions affecting your future with him. To believe that he will change and become someone new is merely setting yourself up for major disappointment.

Even with counseling and much therapy the likelihood of him becoming the man of your dreams is very slim indeed. The outcome with the highest degree of probability is that you spend months or years trying to hold out hope only to find yourself here again having made little progress. I wish this was not so but sadly it is. He abandoned a child and kept the whole thing secret from you while all the while continuing to text women in this dating app. This does not speak well of his true character.

If you are going to attempt R then be sure you understand the odds are stacked heavily against you. R takes a commitment and a dedication from both parties that is draining at times and I just do not see him putting forth that effort. You must diligently observe his actions, they will describe how he really feels. His words are of little value so be careful not to place much if any trust in them. Whatever you decide, good fortune to you.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Stay with him what for?

He has proven time and time again he is untrustworthy and cheats on you all the time. Yes sexting is cheating.

Now he has a child to boot cause of his affairs.

You have let enough slide with no consequences thats why you are here.

If you let this slide as well i can guarantee you it will happen again.

I'm truly sorry you are here


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Risk too high
Boundary too low


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I grew up on the farm and when a dog gets into the hen house and kills a chicken he is ruined. Once that old dog tastes blood you just can't get him to stop, he is just a bad dog. I'm afraid you got a bad dog. Don't waste your time trying to rehabilitate him, it is just who is his. I am sorry for your situation, but I don't think you can trust that old dog again. He needs to learn to become a father to his child and you need to live a life with someone worthy of you.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I agree with everyone else here. I think you need to walk away from this man while you are still young, your child is still young (won't be traumatized), etc. You're in for a life of heartache if you don't. 

And YES, it still matters even though it was before the wedding. Also, it doesn't matter if it was a one time thing or not.....he's shown terrible judgment by continuing with the sexting, and probably having sex with others, not just her.

Get testing for STDs and file for divorce.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Gllangel said:


> He claims back in 2013 some time right before our wedding he got mad at me, had a few drinks at home, got on a dating app, messaged a girl, then met her at a hotel and had sex with her.


I pretty much agree with most that your husband is a poon hound and you should cut him loose. He should bear in mind, before signing on to support the kid, that the chick he met and immediately took to the hotel had likely screwed three other guys that week; perhaps even that day.




NoChoice said:


> OP,
> This is an extremely rare occurrence, extremely rare. If you understand that then you are now prepared to make decisions affecting your future with him. To believe that he will change and become someone new is merely setting yourself up for major disappointment.


If folks would realize that instead of, "I can save my marriage and reconcile, if only I expose the affair and punish the AP" they'd be way better off in the long haul.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I agree with everyone else here. I think you need to walk away from this man while you are still young, your child is still young (won't be traumatized), etc. You're in for a life of heartache if you don't.
> 
> And YES, it still matters even though it was before the wedding. Also, it doesn't matter if it was a one time thing or not.....he's shown terrible judgment by continuing with the sexting, and probably having sex with others, not just her.
> 
> Get testing for STDs and file for divorce.


Spot on STR and I would add that he has the sh*tty conflict resolution skills of a preschooler, with the excuse of you made me mad and I did X so its your fault


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He married you arguably on false pretences.

Could you go for an annulment?

If not, divorce the cad!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> *He married you arguably on false pretences.*
> 
> Could you go for an annulment?
> 
> ...


I agree with MattMatt.

Ask yourself; If you had known what he did prior to your wedding, would you have still married him? That is likely your best answer for what to do now, given the short time you've been married.

Your child with him makes it a more difficult decision. I understand. But you also have to consider that he still attempted to cheat (at least) after you tied the knot; so additionally, you have little reason to assume he will remain faithful.

Sorry you're here.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Having read through your other threads a bit, I'd suggest divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the others. Divorce is your best bet here. He's not going to change.

Has he even done the paternity test? He is going to be hit with a child support bill. This will impact your finances. So his bad behavior is going to also hurt you financially.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

You should sue him for child support asap, even before filing for divorce. She who files for child support first gets the lion's share of the support, even if the first filer was not married to the father and the second filer was / is. Protect your child and file now. 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You deserve much better.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

He is showing sh*tty character....and it won't get better. THIS is who he is. A man who lies, hides things, cheats, disrespects...... This won't change.

I found out after 10 years and 5 kids together.....that my H had a child prior to meeting me. This was a huge blow to me, and pretty much the icing on the downfall of the marriage. By then I had 5 kids and could not figure out how to afford to get out. HE....never could understand how this was a big deal to me. That our firstborn was NOT his firstborn like I thought. He held that baby and was there when she was born....and then just walked away....wtf?! HE said it didn't seem important. That he completely ignored his child for all those years..... I could not get my head around that, and he couldn't figure out why I thought it was a big deal. 

It never got better. It was a crappy marriage. And when we got divorced after 23 years....he ignored these kids too. He doesn't get it.

I just figure that he doesn't know HOW to love and cherish people. I can guess some diagnosis..... but why? He just doesn't KNOW.


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