# Update on our R



## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

About 2 1/2 months out from d-day 2 and 1 1/2 months into R. My fWW has been perfect so far. We are going through the "his needs her needs" book together and doing lots of reading and learning about affairs, marriage, etc. As far as I know there has been NC. I have found nothing suspicious and I snoop a lot. Probably to much. My wife has been perfect in R. Lately it's me screwing things up. About the last week I started to feel weird. I don't know how to explain it except it's like there are walls up when my wife is around. I have trouble looking at her, talking to her, and showing love and affection is very hard. I still try and have sex every night though. Of course she doesn't want to have sex with someone who is shut off to her. Then I get upset because I want to have sex. I don't want to feel like this. I love my wife, I really do. We tried to talk about it last night but then I had to stop because I just didn't want to. It's starting to affect R because she is giving so much and not getting what she needs from me in return. I think I just have to push through these times and show love/affection even at times I don't feel it. I do want to stay married to my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It's going to take you longer than it will for her. As in years. You're going to have a long road of two steps forward, one step back.

Good luck.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Have you mentioned to her that connecting sexually with her first may help you be able to reconnect emotionally?? I was like you in that sense. I couldn't do much else until I got that sexual connection. that is what comforted me (it is my love lang) and gave me the ability to try in other areas.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I think I'm going through the same with my husband. Some days are good, some days are bad. I'm learning how to deal with the bad days and since he doesn't want to talk at all, I just leave him his space and basically wait until he feels better.
I feel the same way your wife does about sex. I constantly think if we're just doing it because he thinks he has to or if he actually wants to. He doesn't show any affection (he's not that kinda guy to begin with) and I just feel that sex is nothing but a chore for him. I don't know if that's true or not, he won't talk. 

The weird feeling you said you had, is it resentment towards her for what she did? I would think that's normal and won't go away for some time.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

1.5 months in R, man you haven't really started R, your laying the ground work....your emotions are out of wrack......R takes work and your seeing that, if you can afford it you need ti heed professional help, if your in a big city you may find free help at a church or non-profit.

R is a process with many steps that have to be resolved in order
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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

We can do counseling and want to but were worried about finding the right one. The one we used after D day 1 didn't help us at all and probably made things worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

You need to stop this way of thinking. She needs to know now that what she did will take a longleft time to heal. She has to do the hard work. You sound defeated in your post but talk her deserving this and that. What about you man? Not to mention self respect is attractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

DawnD said:


> Have you mentioned to her that connecting sexually with her first may help you be able to reconnect emotionally?? I was like you in that sense. I couldn't do much else until I got that sexual connection. that is what comforted me (it is my love lang) and gave me the ability to try in other areas.


I think Dawn maybe onto something here. Your wife is the cheater - it's up to her to do the heavy lifting and that may include not having the first couple of sexual encounters between you be just exactly the way she would have them. It's pretty well documented that men need sex to achieve intimacy whereas women need intimacy to really enjoy sex. Someone has to go first and as the cheater that falls to her.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> 1.5 months in R, man you haven't really started R, your laying the ground work....your emotions are out of wrack......R takes work and your seeing that, if you can afford it you need ti heed professional help, if your in a big city you may find free help at a church or non-profit.
> 
> R is a process with many steps that have to be resolved in order
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with this. You are only at the beginning of R. I am at 9 months, although things are much better between the two of us, it is work in progress all the time. we're at the point now, where the affair won't be brought up for several days, which is good. Then he has a trigger, and it feels like a bit of a set back by which we have to discsuss the feelings associated with the trigger.

The affection, love, I think will come soon enough, but it takes time. Only very recently has my H shown me non sexual affection. Also he would never initiate sex after the affair, and now has gone completely the opposite as it was before. So yeah, it takes time.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> We can do counseling and want to but were worried about finding the right one. The one we used after D day 1 didn't help us at all and probably made things worse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't get me started on bad counselors.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

skip76 said:


> You need to stop this way of thinking. She needs to know now that what she did will take a longleft time to heal. She has to do the hard work. You sound defeated in your post but talk her deserving this and that. What about you man? Not to mention self respect is attractive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife hurting all the time without support from me can't be good for R. I am getting what I need from her. I need to figure our how to start meeting hers as well instead of constantly shutting off. I want to stay married to her so this can't be just about how I feel?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> My wife hurting all the time without support from me can't be good for R. I am getting what I need from her. I need to figure our how to start meeting hers as well instead of constantly shutting off. I want to stay married to her so this can't be just about how I feel?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your wife has caused the hurt, right? The hurt is her luggage to carry, you can't carry it for her.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'd say yes - MC, now! because neither of you seem to be dealing with what the root cause of her prior affair(s?) were all about... she wasn't feeling she was getting her real needs met, whatever they were... now you say you are getting what you need, yet you're feeling disconnected (but still want sex every day)... 

I don't know your full story but it seems like you'both both trying to act like all is well, albeit in different ways, and not sure you are addressing what is/was broken... in each of you.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

Im sorry this will be long but i really need to let it all out. 

It is not that I dont want to have sex. Dinger and I have AMAZING sex and have for 10+ years. It is more like I feel that he is so totally disconnected to me every moment except when he is rocking my body. And my brain is running circles the moment he touches me or makes advances cuz moments before I tried to cuddle up to him and laid there stiff as a board against me. Its like you can cuddle a rock everyday but if it doesnt start warming up when you do then you realize that cuddling it will never keep you warm the whole nite. 

I know that I brought all this on to us but dinger and I agree that even though I made the choice to cross that line and turn a friendship into an emotional affair and then into physical, he was very much not in our marriage from day one. He never connected with me. He kept me at an arms length away. 
We are reading His Needs, Her Needs and it is as though it is narration of our lives. I am truely remorseful, sorry, guilt ridden, hating myself for what I have done to him and us. I am trying to do anything and everything I can or he asks of me to try help put us on a better path and start healing from this. He has been very kind in sharing what he needs or wants and I am working my hardest to take the good and the bad reactions, suggestions, emotions he is giving me and learn from them. Even when sometimes they are so hard to hear. 

Im sure all the BS will jump all over me for this but I really need to know how to help deal with things as he goes through the rollercoaster of emotions he is. He said it above that he has completely shut me out for the past bit of time. I can only describe it as he is acting exactly how he did for the 1st year, 3 years, 5 years leading up to me finding comfort in the words of another man. I was doing anything and everything I could to make my husband want to talk to me, want to be with me, want to be involved in my life, my triumphs and my pitfalls. Now I am trying to do anything he asks me to, trying to keep my emotions in check when they get overwhelming, trying to engage my husband in conversation so we can begin to know eachother again. I know it is not the same and I dont deserve his comfort but I think any FWS will agree that we are hitting emotional levels we have never dealt with before either. We know we deserve all the resentment and anger being directed at us but we also need some sort of feeling that we are doing the right things.
I had someone that said all the right things, at all the right times, that encouraged me when I was "floundering" in my life, took the time to hear me out & help me keep things in perspective when I was melting down. Someone who encouraged me to be the strong, independant, woman that I could be and not the crumbling, emotional basketcase that chokes back tears 25x a day that I am now. I miss that. Please dont get that wrong, I DO NOT miss that OM, I miss how I felt. I am completely depressed cuz I feel like i cannot do anything right at home, Im constantly walking on eggshells and everything I Am doing is not making any difference whatsoever on how Dinger feels towards me. I am scared I will not tell him something that seems minor to me but is epic to him. I have complete transparency, nothing to hide, nothing to find, everything out in the open. But I would be a liar, STILL OR AGAIN I guess, if I said I dont still think about that OM sometimes. Everyday I have reminders. A cc on an email, a customer mentions him or his office, a memory that pops into my head about something. BUT the difference now is that when those thoughts or triggers come, I feel so overwhelmingly disgusted with myself that I have done all this, that I physicaly feel sick. I love my husband and really do want to make us better. When I am home with dinger I feel like i have to happy, happy, joy, joy, perfect wife, jump through every hoop & crank up the enthusiasm in the bedroom, be a perfect mother and dont let a drop of my real emotions come through cuz then i am just being selfish again. But I need to let them out. They are eating me alive. I am living in a house with my amazing husband, beautiful children, in a place with extended family, a good job and good friends but I feel completely alone. 
Can somone please help us understand how we can get through these tough days leaning on eachother? How can I get these suffocating feelings of alone under control and how he can try push thru those times when he wants to completely block me out except for sex? 

I hope how I wrote this reads the same as I mean it to cuz sometimes I maybe do not write things as others read them. Sorry if i offend anyone or upset you, that is not my intention. It is to try best understand through others experiences, how my husband and I can get through this together.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Allybabe_18 said:


> Im sorry this will be long but i really need to let it all out.
> 
> It is not that I dont want to have sex. Dinger and I have AMAZING sex and have for 10+ years. It is more like I feel that he is so totally disconnected to me every moment except when he is rocking my body. And my brain is running circles the moment he touches me or makes advances cuz moments before I tried to cuddle up to him and laid there stiff as a board against me. Its like you can cuddle a rock everyday but if it doesnt start warming up when you do then you realize that cuddling it will never keep you warm the whole nite.
> 
> ...


Ally -- I don't think anyone here will tell you that it isn't going to be hard. No one here will tell you that you aren't allowed to have emotions. There are natural consequences to actions, and you are living them now. 

Finding that way to reconnect is difficult. It sounds to me like you are both listening, but you don't HEAR each other. Have you already looked at the book the Five Love Languages? if you haven't I honestly think it will do you both a ton of good and give you information that can help you both realize what it is the other needs that you might possibly not be aware of right now.

If you google it, the five languages will come up. Start there and discuss which one is your top language. then read a little deeper on how to talk in your spouses language, both of you. Do be very aware that he is still going to go through a lot of phases and varying emotions.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Tell her the truth, you're still hurting and seeing her still brings back hurtful and painful memories. By sucking it all up and hoping for the best you'll be in trouble.

Go and read struggling4ever's post, unless you fix this now that's where you're gonna be in a couple of years.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Ally I am a BS and greatly admire your willingness to be here and your stated desire to push forward. I truly hope any 'haters' don't detract from what the two of you are doing -- putting in the effort.

Three reactions I had to your post:
1 - I think it's a bad idea for either of you to pretend your happy when your not. Nobody can be "happy, happy, jo joy perfect", and it frankly dminishes those times when you ARE truly feeling happy if those "good times" seem no dfferent than the down times... you each need to be able to be yourselves -- and accept the other when they're not 'perfect'... _within boundaries_ of course.

2 - The best advice I've seen here as to how to help the BS deal with the rollercoater of emotions is to "be there", acknowledging the emtion and your part in it, and steadily reassure them that you've chosen THEM, regret what's happened, and are there ready, willing, and able to talk about it if they want to -- or not, if they don't want to. Accept the fact that often, we don't even know what we want; we just want it to stop hurting and we can't make it stop. And the more we acknowledge that, the more it hurts... and so on. Sometimes we just need to let it run; other times we need to talk about it; other times we need to distract ourselves away. No formula, unfortunately. We nor you can make it go away; pretending it isn't there does not work.

3 - I'm normally not a fan of the idea, but feeling like you guys could really use one of those 'couples retreats', specifically designed around healing from infidelity. Where you go learn how to listen to one another, re-connect, put your emotions out on the table, learn one anothers needs, how to give and how to take... you're both looking for answers, which is good, but recognizing your partner is not necessarily fully equipped to give them to you. Maybe someone in such a structured environment, "away from it all", could really be of benefit to you...

For both of you, I'd add that patience for the road you are on and that lies ahead is really, really necessary, and your 2nd best friend (behind communication). This road is long and hard and bumpy and difficult and tricky and uncertain, there is no shortcut to the end, and not everyone makes it there successfully.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Dinger and Aly, you guys are still in the beginnings of your new relationship, and BOTH of your emotions are all over hell. The affair is like the 900 lb. Gorilla in the corner, you can't ignore it and it's not going away any time soon, so what do you do? First, BOTH of you NEED to lighten up on each other. Dinger......you need to recognize that Aly isn't always going to be at her best, and she deserves a certain level of comfort. Aly......you need to recognize that it isn't easy for Dinger to understand your feelings, when he is having a hard time understanding his own. One thing I would suggest is to have plenty of entertainment time together. Do things you BOTH like to do, with the kids or just you two. Go to the Movies, go dancing, go to a monster truck rally, whatever. Just try to relax and enjoy each other, AND THE MOMENT! That's why they call it , RECONNECTING!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> Can somone please help us understand how we can get through these tough days leaning on eachother? How can I get these suffocating feelings of alone under control and how he can try push thru those times when he wants to completely block me out except for sex?


Ally. You have the answer right there in your post I quoted above - you get through it by leaning on each other, by helping each other. As a cheater myself I'll say you're right that remorseful cheaters have their own set of emotions and demons to battle and that a lot of times they go overlooked due to the overwhelming mess we, as cheaters, have made. They need to be addressed none the less. My wife and I are 17 months post D day and still working on what has been a very successful reconciliation - the biggest thing we did was to talk to each other. As recently as last night we spent an hour talking about my affair and my AP. My wife has recently been triggering a lot so talking about it helps reassure her and I'm more than happy to do anything I can. She really just needed a check up as to where I was with the whole thing so I filled her in. 

Communicate, communicate, communicate. If you find you're having trouble find a MC who can facilitate. The secret to rebuilding a better marriage than you had is doing it together and neither of you resigning yourselves to a position of frustration or resentment. When you find yourself frustrated or a little resentment building talk about it together.

Also, understand that both of your emotions will be on a complete roller coaster for a while yet - like I said we're almost a year and half out and both of us still trigger. It takes a while. Don't be in a hurry for the roller coaster to end - learn to live with it and process it. IMO the roller coaster actually helps to make sure you have really processed it and worked your way all the way through it. 

I will say that as the cheater it is on you to be the one to push outside of your comfort zone. It's on you to be the one to keep snuggling up to that rock, despite the fact that snuggling with a rock is no fun and makes you uncomfortable - because you know deep down he needs you there and just needs time to come around. You have to be the one putting yourself out there - physically and emotionally until he comes around. He needs to try to communicate with you and try to give you something back but if he can't it's up to you to come back for more anyway. 

Keep communicating and working together. It's a long hard road but it can be done.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

And Ally, you need to realize that the act of sex to a man, is what makes him secure. Its not that he is just chasing an orgasm, it makes him feel like you are one. Now he needs to understand that conversation and affection is what makes a woman feel secure, which makes her feel comfortable enough to want sex. He is also reclaiming his territory with the sex.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> I can only describe it as he is acting exactly how he did for the 1st year, 3 years, 5 years leading up to me finding comfort in the words of another man.


Doesn't sound good. Can't blame him for you letting yourself get sweet-talked. That's yours to own.



Allybabe_18 said:


> I had someone that said all the right things, at all the right times, that encouraged me when I was "floundering" in my life, took the time to hear me out & help me keep things in perspective when I was melting down. Someone who encouraged me to be the strong, independant, woman that I could be and not the crumbling, emotional basketcase that chokes back tears 25x a day that I am now. I miss that.


If you want to be strong and independent, then be strong and independent. Those words of encouragement were about getting into your pants, so what kind of perspective do you think you were getting? Probably the one you wanted to hear, the lazy man's way to riches. Sounds more like increasing dependence than independence to me. Married or not, the real way to strength and independence is DIY and in your case, that hill may very well end up being pretty steep. Are you up for the climb?

If you feel you now need sweet-talk from your husband to manage it, you're setting yourself up for falling once again, because there's always a better sweet-talker out there. And you won't end up any less dependent than before. There's talk and there's do.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Our MC took sex off the table so we could connect physically and emotionally first. This really helps. Also lots of talking, going on dates, doing things together. Once you start doing this then sex will come and both will actually enjoy it.

Good luke!


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

So basically relax, we're both screwed up right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

As some may know, I am a rabid student of the human mind and the physiology and psychology of infidelity. (neurotransmitters, hormones, etc, etc) Keep an open mind to this suggestion, I would be happy to tell you the science behind the reason I'm making this suggestion and it's application to reconciliation... But it's very technical and probably mumbo jumbo that's not that important to you...

Consider looking into tantra, (tantric sex.)

Rest assured, I'm not some new world hippy or some whack job... Lol. I've never tried it myself (tantric sex). But I really think that in the case of a couple reconciling after infidelity, that the value of it could be tremendous... Stop me before I start spouting mumbo jumbo about oxytocin, dopamine, PEA's, etc,etc.... Try it, what do you have to lose? Nothing, but both of you have everything to gain.

And face it, it is sex.. Woooooot. Has to be a hell of a lot more fun to experiment with, and study than other books your likely reading trying to fix this._Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Constance (Jan 14, 2012)

I would recommend you and your wife read the following books; "Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive", "How can I forgive you" and if you decide to explore the suggestion about tantra (btw great advice) although there's many, many books on the subject two that I find particular good is "Tantric Sex" by Kavida Rei and "The heart of Tantric Sex" by Diana Richardson. You are at the beginning of R, it will take time but it will get better. Wish you the best.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> So basically relax, we're both screwed up right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. Dinger I was hot and cold for a year. There were days I loved her, days where I couldn't stand the sight of her.
So.... I closed myself off. She can't hurt me if I don't care right? 
I learned to say what was on my mind. Yeah it's hard and feelings get hurt but there is no guessing. 
Good or bad tell her what you think. Same goes for her. Guessing doesn't work.


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## Thruhellandback (Jan 8, 2012)

Dear Allybabe,
If you are transparent and are putting to use all the suggestions in His needs her needs then now what you need is patience. He still is too raw and hurting. He is having a normal reaction when he says he can't open up. Unfortunately, that is his burden to bear. A burden you put there. You have to have patience. DUring R the ups and downs are par for the course. Keep your eye on the prize. The reminders or the triggers never disappear but from what I'm told we will learn to cope and manage them. My husband and I find that what helps is to see the triggers (those things that pull them down into a dark fog) as the enemy that we both want to overcome.

Your situation is similar to mine. I have been struggling everyday for over a year. It's getting so much better with every passing day. Instead of initiating just sex, my suggestion is this. Start with a "This is what you did that made a difference today" conversation, while rubbing his back/feet/shoulders or he rubs yours. Let the massage go to more intimate places...without the sex talk only positive things like "I like it that we both have a-b-c in common. I see us going to ***together on holiday and doing ***" WHen you create positive experiences around positive images it might lead to MEANINGFUL sex . That is much better than just release sex. You'll like it better/ he'll be having his needs met and you'll feel better about yourself to hear about the things you do that made a difference for him that day. I personally need those moments because it helps me dig myself out of the feeling of worthlessness for what I have done to him. My H feels loved and listened to and gets that release that men need much more than we do. WIN/WIN

I get frustrated when I can't help my H too. Feel free to send me a private message if ever you want to talk. We probably have a lot to learn from each other and who knows maybe we can help each other in our own road to forgiving ourselves.


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