# I need a better way to talk to him.



## laughsalot (Sep 29, 2009)

Hello Everyone - I am new, first time posting. Here is my problem. I get no foreplay. None. I am starting to get resentful because he does not do anything else either. We have two kids 13 and 6. I get them up and ready for school. He leaves to go to work at the time I am getting them up. I take them to school. I go to my job an hour away from home. When I come home he is already there. He sometimes helps our 6 year old with her homework but that is not everyday. And he wants a standing ovation for that when he does it. As soon as I come in the door I start supper. Everyone gets fed and then I clean it all up. I get make sure the kids get their baths and try to have them in bed as early as I can. Usually by 9:15 but it really needs to be earlier than that. All this time, from the time I get home until bedtime he is on the couch. At bed time he has the nerve to ask if I am going to "give him some". What? On the weekends when we do not work it is the same thing. All day Saturday he was on the couch. Hunting season is starting so he went to check his trailcam but then was right back on the couch. I cleaned up some and washed clothes all day Saturday. That is the only day that I have to wash clothes. I just don't have time through the week. I did not stress myself with the cleaning up because my attitude is if he doesn't care why should I. On Sunday same thing, on the couch. He ask me what my plans where for the day and I told him for US to clean up. I started my normal cleaning. I needed to run to town so while me and the kids where gone he calls. He says he has "straightened up" the livingroom (which was clearing a joke) and was going to his hunting lease with his friend for a little while. That little while turned into 6 hours. By the time he got home it was almost bedtime. That is the way it has been for a while now. I work in a office and he works outside. He thinks that working out in the heat justifies not doing anything. He fusses about the house but does nothing to help clean it up. I printed out an article and put it on top of his bathroom reading material. It was called "if you want more sex, do the dishes". He said that was hogwash. Right before bed last night while on the couch he tells me if I hurry up and get the kids to bed we might can wash some dishes. We did not wash dishes I went to bed. I have told him over and over and over that women do not have a light switch. I can not be just switched on when he wants me to. I need to be flirted with and pursued. I need to feel desired. I need some foreplay. I need some help around the house. I need some help with the kids. I have told him that foreplay can start in the morning before he ever leaves and can last all day. A kiss, some sexy text messages, a phone call, some help when I get home, putting the kids to bed for once, cooking for once. If I would see him in the kitchen just loading the dishwasher I would probably want to tear his clothes off then and there. I love sex with him. He is very good and is not selfish at all in the bedroom. It is everywhere else that I have a problem. I don't know how to get him to understand. When I try to talk about it he gets defensive and we end up is a fuss. So I have been trying to leave hints laying around. It is not working. I need something else. Am I overreacting?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

In dealing with dogs that have problems getting along with others, there is a program called NOTHING IN LIFE IS FREE. The dog has to do something for the owner before the dog gets anything -- fed, a pat, played with, anything. 

You need to teach your lazy dog that same lesson.

Go on strike. You don't do for him unless he starts contributing to the upkeep of the family. You don't cook for him or wash his clothes. You don't clean up after him.

Stop acting like his maid.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You sound like a great - great wife and he is so lazy it is scary. Sorry to admit this but what works best for us - my wife just says to me "I need you to help me for the next couple hours ok" in a no nonsense but calm voice. I get up and say "what can I do" - she gives me a list and I do it. She is not complaining about what I didn't do, she is specifically telling me what to do. 




dobo said:


> In dealing with dogs that have problems getting along with others, there is a program called NOTHING IN LIFE IS FREE. The dog has to do something for the owner before the dog gets anything -- fed, a pat, played with, anything.
> 
> You need to teach your lazy dog that same lesson.
> 
> ...


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

Alt least you are talking, keep that up. I know women and know most of you need the relationship to be running smooth and both helping each to enjoy "giving us some". He better learn this soon!


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## laughsalot (Sep 29, 2009)

Thank you all for your help. I have tried the being on strike routine before. I didn't want to have to be a b*tch again. So I kept talking to him. He knew I had been upset for the past few days and wanted to know why. So we talked yesterday afternoon on his way home from work. I was calm and he was calm. I explained how I felt and he did too. He says he needs a to do list. I have chore charts for the kids and now he wants one too. I gave him a list of stuff he could do when he got home. I got home and it was all done and more. I totally get that men and women are opposites. Men just don't think the way we do and no matter how much I want him to read my mind it is not going to happen. I need to open my mouth more and tell him what I want instead of expecting him to know. We talked about the foreplay too. I explained that what he thought was foreplay was not what I thought it was. I told him what I wanted and what I needed. When we "washed dishes" last night I got everything that I wanted. It probably sounds like I am being a push over. I love my husband. If a simple list for chores and telling him what I actually want in bed will fix my problem then I am fine with it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I know this is lame - but. 

Even with his list - you are going to have a choice some nights. You can watch him goof off - and wait until you are angry and smack him for - goofing off. You will be right. BUT, right does not equal happy. 

OR you can say. Hey stud - I know you are tired - I just need you to do these "X ,, Y" things tonight - kind of well now would be good (delivered with a smile), cause I am buried now. It really is not nagging to say please help me now. It IS nagging to say "Why haven't you helped me much tonight - after the fact"







laughsalot said:


> Thank you all for your help. I have tried the being on strike routine before. I didn't want to have to be a b*tch again. So I kept talking to him. He knew I had been upset for the past few days and wanted to know why. So we talked yesterday afternoon on his way home from work. I was calm and he was calm. I explained how I felt and he did too. He says he needs a to do list. I have chore charts for the kids and now he wants one too. I gave him a list of stuff he could do when he got home. I got home and it was all done and more. I totally get that men and women are opposites. Men just don't think the way we do and no matter how much I want him to read my mind it is not going to happen. I need to open my mouth more and tell him what I want instead of expecting him to know. We talked about the foreplay too. I explained that what he thought was foreplay was not what I thought it was. I told him what I wanted and what I needed. When we "washed dishes" last night I got everything that I wanted. It probably sounds like I am being a push over. I love my husband. If a simple list for chores and telling him what I actually want in bed will fix my problem then I am fine with it.


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## laughsalot (Sep 29, 2009)

I like that. I will use the stud line. I really don't want to be a nag and I want to be happy.



MEM11363 said:


> I know this is lame - but.
> 
> Even with his list - you are going to have a choice some nights. You can watch him goof off - and wait until you are angry and smack him for - goofing off. You will be right. BUT, right does not equal happy.
> 
> OR you can say. Hey stud - I know you are tired - I just need you to do these "X ,, Y" things tonight - kind of well now would be good (delivered with a smile), cause I am buried now. It really is not nagging to say please help me now. It IS nagging to say "Why haven't you helped me much tonight - after the fact"


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## sjm1983 (Sep 18, 2009)

OK well here is a new perspective from my personal experience. 

I was being selfish and I have only recently tried to turn that around. I did much of the same things as your H however I didn't really complain if something wasn't done. 

I totally understand the "I want a list" attitude. My wife did not want to have to tell me what to do. She has enough of that garbage with the kids. She doesn't need another child that she needs to mother she needed a partner. Someone who could use his eyes and look around and help. 

I was in the mentality of "I'll scratch your back you scratch mine" which to me is a lot like that article that you printed out for him. For some this may work and if it does great but I think that it can also backfire. Sex should not be a reward like a doggy treat to get some help around the house in my opinion. My reason for saying this is from personal experience. My wife once told me that maybe she would want to "help" me out in the bedroom if I helped her out with stuff too. I took this to mean "when I want sex I should do the dishes". The problem is marriage should not be tit for tat. I would do the dishes and then expect a return that night. When it didn't happen I would be apathetic to want to do the dishes again. Every time I did them and got a heartfelt thank you was not enough. I always had this expectation like I "paid for" something. 

Maybe if I had looked at it as an investment and not an immediate return I wouldn't have been like that but when you try something and you aren't getting the results that you wanted you just stop trying. 

I have found recently that doing the things and seeing the weight lifted off of my wife is better than sexual favors. It shows her that I respect her as a person and a wife and that I want to be her partner not her child. I hope that over time she sees this and feels the love for me but if not that will still be okay with me, because I feel good for doing it. 

I think the bottom line is he has to want to do it for YOU. I don't want to do the dishes, I don't want to bathe the kids, I don't want to do any of the household chores. But what I do want is my wife to be happy, less stressed, feel like she doesn't have to do it all. That is my motivation. The real problem is that you can't make him feel like that. He has to feel it on his own.

Asking for help is sometimes hard but it does help a man see that his wife does need him. It makes me feel needed if she asks for the smallest thing. If you don't ask him he will see you as capable (which you probably are) but working as a team will make you feel better and him feel better.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SJM,
This is all good - and it is true - provided you are with a partner who is truly fair. Many partners are fair because it is the right thing to do. Some are fair when given a little encouragement. 

As for you - your comments about your wife and it making your happy to reduce her stress and make HER happy. 

That is beautiful and that is how it should work. And it should not be a tit for tat. With that said - a wife should be aware of her man in the same way. She should look and say - he seems stressed - oh - yeah - we haven't had sex in a while. And then she should WANT to have sex to make YOU happy. That is how a healthy marriage works. If that desire does not happen - the desire to make you happy - then something is profoundly broken. 










sjm1983 said:


> OK well here is a new perspective from my personal experience.
> 
> I was being selfish and I have only recently tried to turn that around. I did much of the same things as your H however I didn't really complain if something wasn't done.
> 
> ...


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## laughsalot (Sep 29, 2009)

I wish my husband would look around, see things that need doing and do them. But he is not wired that way and I can't make him. He helped a lot again last night without me having to ask. I hope that us just communicating better is the key. I have with held sex before and will not do that again. I was hurting me too. Sex should not have anything to do with it anyway. I don't want to fuss, nag or argue. I just want to be happy and I want him to be happy too. I am one of them kind of women that will stuff my fillings until I explode when I should be communcating how I feel all along. I am really trying to work on that. I hope things are getting better.


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## SusanB (Sep 10, 2009)

I had a talk with my H about doing chores around the house, and the "little" things that may put me in a better mood to want to have sex more often. When I started listing the things I do, vs the things he does, he was like, "oh, I see your point". We decided to work on this together, as there are things that I do that make him feel not as respected around the house. 
I bought a self help book off amazon called Frequent Foreplay Miles, and we are reading it together. Its been good stuff so far, and fun enough that he'll read it, and try some of the suggestions, as they seem to play right along with the issues that we've had. We both agreed that we don't want out relationship to fall into the non communication zone, as it will just get worse from there. He has already been making an effort around the house and knows how I help as well. (And he is starting to enjoy cooking! At least his first two meals anyway.)


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## tstoby75 (Sep 10, 2009)

SusanB said:


> I had a talk with my H about doing chores around the house, and the "little" things that may put me in a better mood to want to have sex more often. When I started listing the things I do, vs the things he does, he was like, "oh, I see your point". We decided to work on this together, as there are things that I do that make him feel not as respected around the house.
> I bought a self help book off amazon called Frequent Foreplay Miles, and we are reading it together. Its been good stuff so far, and fun enough that he'll read it, and try some of the suggestions, as they seem to play right along with the issues that we've had. We both agreed that we don't want out relationship to fall into the non communication zone, as it will just get worse from there. He has already been making an effort around the house and knows how I help as well. (And he is starting to enjoy cooking! At least his first two meals anyway.)


I'll try anything. Maybe I'll get a copy at the bookstore tomorrow, and read it in front of my wife and then leave it were she can find it. I'm sure she'd be curious. She is a book worm. It'd be nice to find a way to have sex again!


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## laughsalot (Sep 29, 2009)

I will be getting that book today. I love to read and will try anything as well. I know that there are things that I can do also. It is not all him.


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