# Intro - New poster



## Pulse9 (Mar 10, 2014)

My first post even though I've been a lurker for several months. I must say I have been deeply impressed by the quality of advice and support from everyone on this site. Figured it was about time to introduce myself and tell my story.. 

Married for 4 years technically from wedding to final d day (2009-2013), been divorced for 1.5 yr now. I filed, primarily due to his severe depression, pill popping (due to chronic pain from hip displaysia), drinking and unemployment for over a year by the time I pulled the plug. Our son was 11 months old, I was working full time and barely holding it together when I decided I HAD to lose the dead weight before my son and I went down with the sinking ship.

To say it has been tough would be a masterpiece of understatement. As soon as I filed, X fled to his home state to live with mom (still does) and I was left to raise our son alone. Single Mom with 100% custody was obviously not something I expected, but I am truly thankful it has turned out this way rather than dealing with him here, even though I still struggle with guilt of my son not having his father around. His choice ultimately, I know..

The hardest part for me is that my X and I were very much in love and he is now doing wonderfully as far as I can tell. He visits about twice per year so far and has the twinkle in his eye that I remember. It is very difficult to see it, even if he is not doing as well as he seems. I would not say I have lingering attraction as much as I just feel like he is a sense of "home" to me if that makes any sense. I have been dating someone wonderful now for about 9 months and some days I just sort of feel lukewarm about everything. I am really proud of myself for not making classic rebound mistakes or rushing into anything after my divorce, but it seems like I am only NOW starting to struggle with these feelings about my X, which I can't even seem to define. It's really tripping me up and I just don't know what to make of them. 

Anyway, that's where I am now. Still one day at a time. Some days I am great and have so much clarity, and other days are like today


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Hi 9, sorry you find yourself here, but I can very much relate to parts of your story...

How long were you separated for before divorce? When did you start dating? 

Everyone has a different time table for healing....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

P9, welcome.
I can definitely relate to the stress of absent fathers. My kids are older 17 and 13 now. In the last year they've seen their dad a total of a day and a half. Pathetic. And like your's all his choice.
Good for you for getting on with your life. I am no where near ready to date, and there are days I don't think I ever will be. Who knows.

I think you will find waves of the past wash over you for no apparent reason, that's just the way things are. Of course you are going to think about the marriage an your relationship with him. That sounds like a very healthy thing to do. Keep hugging that little man of yours.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Welcome.  I don't have any experience in that area but lots of people here can help.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Welcome aboard.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Not much advice to offer, but I can say that you and your boy are lucky to have one another. 

Welcome.


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## Pulse9 (Mar 10, 2014)

Thanks, everyone. After a good night's sleep it hit me like a ton of bricks why the sudden emotions. X just visited about a week ago and I've been in denial about a lot of the sad feelings that it brought about. 

Up until now I have been able to dismiss X as being a terrible father, a depressive low-life and someone who I couldn't depend on. He was nothing like this when we met. He changed so drastically in such a short amount of time during our marriage that it shocked and devastated me, left me so hopeless and angry. When I think about how he could leave his son it makes me sick to my stomach and I typically have so much resentment when he visits because he is a perfect Disneyland dad, and then he disappears again for another 6 months. 

This visit was different. I felt a sense of forgiveness for him which surprised the hell out of me. I think it was because I saw how much fun my son was having with him and it made me realize that if my son is only going to see his dad a few days a year, a smile on his face is all that matters to me. I also just felt glad for the HELP even if it was temporary. All this happy sh*t sparked some internal conflict because I was so used to being angry him and now all of a sudden I started to notice some of his good qualities again. I think if not checked, that could be a slippery slope, which in itself disturbs the hell out of me. 

So I guess the moral of the story is, if you reach a point that you start to forgive your X (which I NEVER thought would happen for me), beware the other emotions that could creep in along with it. 

Unsure78, to answer your question we were separated for 8 months before the divorce was finalized. So, I didn't start dating current guy until about 1.5 years after I separated from X. 

Some days I feel like I'm just doing it because I am bored and want the companionship. Other days I feel really excited about my relationship and its possibilities. Some days I feel like a complete commitment-phobe and want to hibernate from the world. For the most part I'm just tired of the rollercoaster of emotions and wonder if/when this sh*t will end or at least even out a bit more.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Pulse9 said:


> Thanks, everyone. After a good night's sleep it hit me like a ton of bricks why the sudden emotions. X just visited about a week ago and I've been in denial about a lot of the sad feelings that it brought about.
> 
> Up until now I have been able to dismiss X as being a terrible father, a depressive low-life and someone who I couldn't depend on. He was nothing like this when we met. He changed so drastically in such a short amount of time during our marriage that it shocked and devastated me, left me so hopeless and angry. When I think about how he could leave his son it makes me sick to my stomach and I typically have so much resentment when he visits because he is a perfect Disneyland dad, and then he disappears again for another 6 months.
> 
> ...


Not sure I have any answers for you. The roller coaster will last....I'm 3 yrs out and it still hits me sometimes. Your situation is different because it would almost be like waking the dead once a year or so! All of those feelings and emotions get compartmentalized and forgotten about and then they rear their ugly heads. 

Be patient with dating. Most of us haven't figured it out either. Some people, like my ex, can just right back into a marriage in a short time after ending another. Myself? Well, let's just say I'm still feeling my way through this divorced life. Not in any hurry. Sounds like you still have some things to work out for you before you can worry too much about someone else.


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## Pulse9 (Mar 10, 2014)

Paradise said:


> Not sure I have any answers for you. The roller coaster will last....I'm 3 yrs out and it still hits me sometimes. *Your situation is different because it would almost be like waking the dead once a year or so! * All of those feelings and emotions get compartmentalized and forgotten about and then they rear their ugly heads.
> 
> Be patient with dating. Most of us haven't figured it out either. Some people, like my ex, can just right back into a marriage in a short time after ending another. Myself? Well, let's just say I'm still feeling my way through this divorced life. Not in any hurry. Sounds like you still have some things to work out for you before you can worry too much about someone else.


Thanks for the words of wisdom, paradise. You are spot on with it's like waking the dead once a year. I never thought of it like that's so true and brings me some peace knowing it is a work in progress even 3 years out.


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