# Wife's Attitude/Demeanor During Separation



## Cartman35 (Oct 18, 2018)

Hello All-

About a month ago, my wife and I agreed to an "in-house" separation at the advice of our marriage counselor. We live in the same house, but I moved to another bedroom. While many factors contributed to the separation, things came to a head when I found text messages from another man. I also had an infidelity issue myself about 3 years ago. I don't feel that the infidelity on either side is necessarily the main problem, but more that it came as a result of other issues in the marriage. I just tell you this to give you some background.

My hope is that we will be able to reconcile. My wife has expressed that she is less confident, but has agreed to go to counseling.

Anyway, during the separation, my wife has been extremely cold. Won't look me in the eye, rarely will stay in the same room with me, and is overall pretty negative.

Anyone with experience going through a separation that can provide some light here? Is she:

1. Feeling guilt?
2. Testing me in an attempt to get me to react in a negative way?
3. Really just doesn't like me?

I have read various articles that state there is a stage in "separation" in which the other spouse will try to intentionally "trigger" their spouse to confirm their feelings of wanting to leave if they are on the fence. Common advice is not to react, and keep ones cool.

Thoughts on this scenario and what it means?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It likely means her affair is on and active. 

Separation is giving her enough space to enable her to do so. 

Does the counselor know about the OM?

The bright side is this stops when you say it stops. You just have to get to the point that you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

In house separation is pure torture......I don't see any upside.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It cannot work well, if one side or the other gets stuck on 180.

Not 180 mph. 

180 feet down in a pit having poisonous snakes, their fangs bared, their soft chests covered in leather, their sneer held fast in place.

The upside is in favor of the haughtier, the meaner of the two.
The kinder, nicer one gets the bitter grounds at the bottom of the brew.

Or they both just wallow in their own bile, never, ever offering up a smile.
Those are freely given out to family, friends, and strangers, all the while.

All the while the 'other' looks on.



THRD-


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

She is just annoyed that she has agreed to do this trial in-house separation, which is prolonging her being able to be with her AP (affair partner) as much as she wants too.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Oh, she knows what she did was wrong.

She is seeking the right to treat you badly.

She needs to paint you as bad, as the enemy.

She needs to rewrite the history she has had with you.

If you are bad, then she is good, then she has great reasons to treat you badly.

You cannot have an ounce of goodness in you.
It does not match her 'narrative'.

You initially cheating on her, did not help, by the way.
There might be a revenge factor here.

Just one more justification for her narrative.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Spicy said:


> She is just annoyed that she has agreed to do this trial in-house separation, which is prolonging her being able to be with her AP (affair partner) as much as she wants too.


*A total move out would totally accommodate a wayward spouse from being with their love interest! An in-house separation, while perhaps good for the raising of kids, can be sheer hell, more especially if they are keeping an inordinate amount of time away from home in the company of their lover!*


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Cartman35 said:


> Hello All-
> 
> About a month ago, my wife and I agreed to an "in-house" separation at the advice of our marriage counselor. We live in the same house, but I moved to another bedroom. While many factors contributed to the separation, things came to a head when I found text messages from another man. I also had an infidelity issue myself about 3 years ago. I don't feel that the infidelity on either side is necessarily the main problem, but more that it came as a result of other issues in the marriage. I just tell you this to give you some background.
> 
> ...


Occam's razor?

Maybe she is just turned into an *******.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep, currently in an active affair.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I agree with the others, she's having an affair, and you're an inconvenience. Why are you hanging onto someone who doesn't love you? I also don't think people morph overnight into someone completely different. Most likely, she has been changing for a while, has been gradually becoming cold to you, for a while. Maybe there were even red flags when you were dating, or throughout the marriage. People rarely just turn into completely different people overnight.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Per @deidre,

A furthering, a follow on:

..................................................

Watch the calendar, not the clock, the clock being recent time, the annual calendar the story.

The deeper the initial love, the longer the deep love drains....away.

If a quick change-over occurs, tis', twas shallow love, you being mere convenience on her part, me thinks.

You being a flickering Plan A, soon to be a B, then you being gone. Your ranking, now meeting dirt.

She will not let the current one go until another is in her grasp.
When a women grasps a man, she uses both hands, one hand grabs his interest, his mind, the other grabs his manhood.

That leaves no hands available for the old mind, the old manhood.

You are thus shown to be expendable. 
But, not after shown to be worthless.....throughout.

Argh!

The old becomes discarded, they become spent youth, no longer needed, nor valued.



THRD-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Yep, currently in an active affair.



Or, in the process.

The words spoken, the deed not inked, not yet signed with semen.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

[written in disappearing ink]


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What do you think an in-house separation should look like? Should she be friendly, engaging, looking you in the eye? Would she be doing those things if you weren't still living at home?

You can't be separated and not separated. Define your expectations.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> What do you think an in-house separation should look like? Should she be friendly, engaging, looking you in the eye? Would she be doing those things if you weren't still living at home?
> 
> You can't be separated and not separated. Define your expectations.


Well I think he is silly enough to think that an in house separation does not include his wife being in an active affair...

Dude, you need to file for divorce, I don't even know why you are trying to engage in MC with a woman that is actively having an affair. 

File now, figure out who will move out and let her go. And really, you need to have some type of self respect. 

Are you getting this????


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> What do you think an in-house separation should look like? Should she be friendly, engaging, looking you in the eye? Would she be doing those things if you weren't still living at home?
> 
> You can't be separated and not separated. Define your expectations.


That would be the human thing to do.
Be neutral, if not moderately friendly.
Be polite, be contrite, biting your lip, not emptying out your angry heart...at every opportunity, at every moment.

Be ice cold, uncommunicative, lest you explode.
Treating your spouse, soon to be EX spouse worse than a stray dog that happens to block, happenstance darkening your next step.


This emptying, doing so without prompting, without notice, without a goad, a poke from the other side.
Just because they are angry, sad, feeling unloved, feeling horny, especially that...oh, yes.

Then again, yes, that is being human.
Showing not the light, but the dark side of humanity.

Rather than being civil, one or both becoming uncivil, becoming unwound.

Being amicable is not considered winning.
Not worthy of consideration.

All ones actions, in one's own mind need to be justified.

While some may be, indeed, worthy complaints about the 'other'; some may be deemed un-justifiably insane behavior on the accusers part and parcel.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *An in-house separation, while perhaps good for the raising of kids, can be sheer hell*


BTDT. The t-shirt has been ripped to shreds. There were two up-sides, one, by sons were protected from the inevitable ****-carousel they would have witnessed, two, I wasn't in financial ruin.

But nothing, absolutely nothing about the marriage or relationship changed. I was "plan B", but she couldn't find an "A", only carousel riders.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TJW said:


> BTDT. The t-shirt has been ripped to shreds. There were two up-sides, one, by sons were protected from the inevitable ****-carousel they would have witnessed, two, I wasn't in financial ruin.
> 
> But nothing, absolutely nothing about the marriage or relationship changed. I was "plan B", but she couldn't find an "A", only carousel riders.


Do they even exist?

Carousels for A Plan riders...only.

Being a Plan A rider, or person is ephemeral, better said, temporary in nature.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
So are Plan A riders.

Here today gone tomorrow.
'A' today, no 'A' tomorrow.

The A plan expires as does good eyesight.

An aging 'A' degenerates eventually to B. 
This due to aging beefs.
This all due to Presbyopia, needed then, close looking bifocals.

Looking close exposes the flaws.
The flaws lead one to 'B'.

One more B made..... next!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Why is it?

Why is it that 'B' players [or later in the day 'saints'] think they rate an 'A' partner?

Yes, some do in fact, deserve an 'A' partner.

None be cheaters.

Cheaters and 'A' partners shall never mix, melt, mate well together.
At least not for long, not lasting through their thick and thin, daily, just desserts.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

TJW said:


> BTDT. The t-shirt has been ripped to shreds. There were two up-sides, one, by sons were protected from the inevitable ****-carousel they would have witnessed, two, I wasn't in financial ruin.
> 
> But nothing, absolutely nothing about the marriage or relationship changed. I was "plan B", but she couldn't find an "A", only carousel riders.


*From your apt description, @TJW ~ I'd have to say that she's got you pegged as a "Plan Omega"; largely falling far behind all of the Plan A's, B's, C's, and even all of those occasional "carousel riders!"*


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> That would be the human thing to do.
> Be neutral, if not moderately friendly.
> Be polite, be contrite, biting your lip, not emptying out your angry heart...at every opportunity, at every moment.
> 
> ...


Holster your tongue - you're projecting.

He wants to reconcile and she isn't sure. How can she gain clarity when he expects her to behave as though everything is 'normal'? He doesn't say what work he did when he cheated to help mend the marriage. He can't expect her to act as though everything is business as usual when they are supposed to be separated. Separated is the operative word - separated as in not together.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

She's probably still involved in her affair, but Blondilocks could be right.



Blondilocks said:


> He wants to reconcile and she isn't sure. How can she gain clarity when he expects her to behave as though everything is 'normal'? He doesn't say what work he did when he cheated to help mend the marriage. He can't expect her to act as though everything is business as usual when they are supposed to be separated. Separated is the operative word - separated as in not together.


Guidelines should be clearly spelled out to determine how the separation is to be handled. What kind of interaction, if any, is expected? These things should be worked through in counseling. Maybe she isn't still in her affair, but if not, then how is she supposed to behave towards you under these circumstances? 

But as I said above, it is highly unlikely that her affair has ended and this "separation" is giving her more freedom to carry on her affair.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OP hasn't been back!!!

OP, WHY was an in house separation suggested by your marriage counselor? What is the end goal? Do you and your wife agree about the end goal? When is your next counseling session?


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## Cartman35 (Oct 18, 2018)

We have had (3) counseling sessions so far. Next is on this coming Wednesday. No determination as to what the long term goals are at this point. Counselor felt that my wife needed time to "calm down" as she had so much anger and hostility towards me that she was not in a position to make rational, well thought out, decisions. Much of the reason an "in-home" separation was suggested was because of our child and our goal to maintain stability for them. Pretty much, the only things certain at this point are:

1. I would like to work towards reconciliation, wife is unsure.

2. Wife and I have both agreed to continue to go to couples counseling.

3. Over the last few weeks, our communication has gone from literally silence to basic conversation (nothing about our relationship, just basic conversation regarding our child's events, upcoming schedule, etc.).

I am not a psychologist, but I will say that I am confused. While I have to think some conversation is better than none, I just really feel like she is intentionally keeping her distance. Hence, the word "separation" I guess. The question is....why? What is she really thinking? While these may be unanswerable questions, I just thought I would ask for feedback from those that may have been through this. In my untrained opinion, it is likely one of the following:

1. She feels guilt and is angry about it. She cannot look at me or have a "cordial" conversation because of this.

2. The affair is ongoing, and she is trying to confirm to herself that the other man is a better person for her than myself. Hence, looking for a reaction.

3. She thinks she might want to divorce, but is unsure. Her attitude is an attempt to get me to react in a negative way to confirm that leaving is the right thing.

4. She is truly unsure as to what she wants, and she is trying to test how I react to her as a way to get "information" to make a decision.

5. She feels like she wants to continue the marriage, but is stubborn and is unwilling to commit right now (i.e. teach me a lesson).

Again, don't expect you guys have the answers, just looking for feedback.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Cartman35 said:


> We have had (3) counseling sessions so far. Next is on this coming Wednesday. No determination as to what the long term goals are at this point. Counselor felt that my wife needed time to "calm down" as she had so much anger and hostility towards me that she was not in a position to make rational, well thought out, decisions. Much of the reason an "in-home" separation was suggested was because of our child and our goal to maintain stability for them. Pretty much, the only things certain at this point are:
> 
> 1. I would like to work towards reconciliation, wife is unsure.
> 
> ...


You are on top of this.
if top is up, then maybe not!

Where is the discernible top? 

She is just existing, biding time. 
She is waiting something out.

Expect movement after the Holidays..... Christmas/New Years.

It is more a nervous jumble, or a nervous jungle.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Cartman35 said:


> We have had (3) counseling sessions so far. Next is on this coming Wednesday. No determination as to what the long term goals are at this point. Counselor felt that my wife needed time to "calm down" as she had so much anger and hostility towards me that she was not in a position to make rational, well thought out, decisions. Much of the reason an "in-home" separation was suggested was because of our child and our goal to maintain stability for them. Pretty much, the only things certain at this point are:
> 
> 1. I would like to work towards reconciliation, wife is unsure.
> 
> ...


I don't think anyone can give you a clue as to what she could be thinking unless you give more information on the issues in the marriage that brought you to the point of separation. 

Why the utter lack of communication between the two of you? 

When did the problems first start? 

What did you do to recover the marriage after your affair 3 years ago? Why did you have the affair? 

If there were problems in the marriage leading up to your affair, were they addressed after your affair was addressed?

Your answers to these questions will give people here some idea of what your wife could be thinking.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Cartman35 said:


> We have had (3) counseling sessions so far. Next is on this coming Wednesday. No determination as to what the long term goals are at this point. Counselor felt that my wife needed time to "calm down" as she had so much anger and hostility towards me that she was not in a position to make rational, well thought out, decisions. Much of the reason an "in-home" separation was suggested was because of our child and our goal to maintain stability for them. Pretty much, the only things certain at this point are:
> 
> 1. I would like to work towards reconciliation, wife is unsure.
> 
> ...


You wrote in an earlier post that you were out late one night and lied to your wife regarding who you were with and what you were doing. Is this the "affair" that you are eluding to?

You stated you know the om and he is married, did you expose your wife's affair to the om wife? 

Does your wife work with the om? As long as she is having any contact with him counseling right now is pretty much a waste of time. She's hedging her bets right now. Keeping you on the radar while seeing where things may lead with om. Your the fallback position. In her mind the om is better than you which is why she must break off all contact with him in order for any shot at reconciliation a reality. 

Right now your wife is basically buying time and your playing the game. Time is rarely your ally in your position.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cartman35 said:


> Hello All-
> 
> About a month ago, my wife and I agreed to an "in-house" separation at the advice of our marriage counselor. We live in the same house, but I moved to another bedroom. While many factors contributed to the separation, things came to a head when I found text messages from another man. I also had an infidelity issue myself about 3 years ago. I don't feel that the infidelity on either side is necessarily the main problem, but more that it came as a result of other issues in the marriage. I just tell you this to give you some background.
> 
> ...


JFC.

It’s because she’s seeing the other dude, has no plans to reconcile with you, and is just biding her time with counseling, etc in order to give the _appearance_ of attempting to work on the marriage.

That way, once she pulls the plug, she can just say, “Oh well, I tried. We were just too different, grew apart, wanted different things, etc. Oh yeah, he cheated too.”


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

She will be discussing all of this with her affair partner and they will be devising a game plan together. She will be use your affair to absolve herself and justify her behavior. I really don't think there is a whole lot you can do. If her affair partner is in a relationship then you could expose him. You should probably see a lawyer and prepare yourself for divorce. It's quite common for someone to start cheating after they have been cheated on.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You need to blow expose the affair if you hope to salvage this. Go straight to this guys house and give his wife the details. No warning just go with your evidence. You also need to expose to her family. Not in a "your daughter's a wh..." but in a "help me fight for the family." If this guy is a co-worker, expose at work too. Don't worry about her being unemployed. A divorce judge will base alimony/child support based on salary history not temporary unemployment.

You are way behind on what needs to be done. We see passive husbands like you all the time. Right now your WW thinks her soulmate is a bold strong confident man and that you're a weak man that she has to endure due to the kids. 

It's time for you to reach deep inside yourself to release a warrior mentality. I'm not advocating violence, but a stop to the passivity. This POS is breaking up your family and you're doing nothing.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In your first thread you were adamant that you did not cheat on your wife; but handled her fears abysmally and was emotionally cruel to her plus lied to her. Now, you're saying that there was an infidelity issue on your part. So, just what is the real deal?

And, in all of your points posted above, you make yourself the center of her universe. Is it possible that she is behaving the way she is because that is what she needs to do for herself with no regard as to testing you, looking for a reaction etc. blah blah blah?

It's hard to understand how you could work full time, go to law school and put in 20-30 hours a week studying and not feel the need to spend any spare time you might have with your family rather than hanging out with females from class 'till the early hours. You are definitely self-centered. Maybe it's your wife's turn to be self-centered after she held down the fort all of those years.


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Hey Carman35, when you had your infidelity issues 3 years earlier, how would you answer these..."The question is....why? What is she really thinking?" Why were you having an issue w/ Infidelity? What were you thinking? Unless I am reading this wrong, it seems you have been on both sides BS & WS. So, maybe you already have the answers just don't want to realize them. I'm sorry you are going thru this, R is tough let alone doing it two times. I hope this wasn't false R, my thoughts and prayers go out to you!


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## Tell me more lies (Oct 10, 2018)

1. I would like to work towards reconciliation, wife is unsure.

2. Wife and I have both agreed to continue to go to couples counseling.

3. Over the last few weeks, our communication has gone from literally silence to basic conversation (nothing about our relationship, just basic conversation regarding our child's events, upcoming schedule, etc.).

I am not a psychologist, but I will say that I am confused. While I have to think some conversation is better than none, I just really feel like she is intentionally keeping her distance. Hence, the word "separation" I guess. The question is....why? What is she really thinking? While these may be unanswerable questions, I just thought I would ask for feedback from those that may have been through this. In my untrained opinion, it is likely one of the following:

1. She feels guilt and is angry about it. She cannot look at me or have a "cordial" conversation because of this.

2. The affair is ongoing, and she is trying to confirm to herself that the other man is a better person for her than myself. Hence, looking for a reaction.

3. She thinks she might want to divorce, but is unsure. Her attitude is an attempt to get me to react in a negative way to confirm that leaving is the right thing.

4. She is truly unsure as to what she wants, and she is trying to test how I react to her as a way to get "information" to make a decision.

5. She feels like she wants to continue the marriage, but is stubborn and is unwilling to commit right now (i.e. teach me a lesson).



This is just a different way of saying the wayward is test driving Plan A while Plan B (the OP) is put on stand by just incase.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If you would answer the questions generated from essentially the exact same post of 11/24, you might get more feedback.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She wants a divorce but doesn't have the ballz to actually tell you and get it done.


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