# What would you say to this?



## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

Ok my husband and I have have sex maybe 3 times a week. Well ever since we got married he started with the I am stingy thing which is absurd because he always knew I had a higher sex drive. Mind you he did hear a lot from the guys at his work oh as soon as you marry her forget the sex. Well we have been married for almost a year and a half and I see him changing not me here is my example. Tell me how you would respond and how would you feel because I was hurt.

Well we have only been together once this month and I am leaving this weeknd for a week to care for my sisters daughter while their on vacation. So he says to me last night. I have a thought but don't be upset, being you are going to be gone for a week why don't we just not have sex the rest of the month so come March we are like really raring to go? 

I was hurt because he is always saying that I'm not attracted to him and I don't want to be with him. Which neither are true. He knows I think he is Hot and I always want him. Now me on the other hand I am feeling pretty old hat after his comment, I mean a guy saying let's not have sex so we want to basically. Wow! I couldn't help but cry after he went to sleep. Any thoughts would be great, thanks


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

red flag! I would cool off trying to have sex with him and start snooping.

off the top of my head theses are the things that I would wonder about.

1) is he taking care of himself by masterbating to porn while your not around.
2) dose he have a girl friend on the side.
3) dose he have some weird fetish that he afraid to tell you about.
4)hows the rest of your marriage? is he selfish in bed? dose he hide things like his phone. dose he have separate checking account and credit cards? 

yes I would feel hurt if my spouce sugested that we wait a month so were sexually charged . something is up and its not his willy!


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

Thanks for the reply.

to answer your questions.

1. No he has no time working two jobs.
2. No
3. No
4. The marriage is ok, we do have a lack of time together so to his work schedule, No he isn't selfish is bed at all, it is all about me first always has been, he doesn't hide his phone it is always sitting here at home, we kept seperate checking accounts but I can look at his, and he doesn't have a credit card.

So no nothing off, when I talked to him about it this morning he said he didn't mean to hurt my feelings and that he is terribly attracted to me, he just thought it would be interesting to try it and he wished I would initiate more (not always him), being I say I want him all the time.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Most people are not going to say, lets just not do it for the rest of this month, unless there is some kind of reason behind it. Just curious, Is your sisters home far away from you?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ak41 said:


> he wished I would initiate more (not always him), being I say I want him all the time.


Do you initiate? If so what's his response?

It is totally weird though for a man to pull the plug on sex without a reason.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Ak41 said:* and he wished I would initiate more (not always him), being I say I want him all the time.


I think he is telling you what he wants right here... Sounds to me like he wants his wife to show him some passion, step it up..if you have a higher sex drive, I don't get it... why are you not going after him.. Has he rejected you in the past ?? 

Sounds like he wants you to BUILD your drive so you will feel insatiable when you come together again ... I am thinking of his dreaming his wife could "loose control " around him... maybe a fantasy of his. 

Not sure how your husband is... but mine would feel EMPTY inside if I did not show overt interest in him, he always got super charged when I came after him. He is not the aggressive type so much himself... some guys are like that, maybe you married one....and in his own way, he is trying to express it - in a round about way... without telling you outright what to do, as that may leave you feeling Pressure...so he thinks if you starve your drive, the passion will come alive. Just a thought! 

And question.....according to what you said above.... You say you want him "all the time"... but no action behind it/ no coming on to him / flirting to show you NEED him right now ~ pulling him to the bedroom?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

He seems passive in his response. He needs to tell you what it is he wants and why, not play games.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

trey69 said:


> He seems passive in his response. He needs to tell you what it is he wants and why, not play games.


 Yes, he could be the passive type, my husband was like this too. He would also hear the guys at work complaining so he didn't want to "rock the boat" with me... he wanted more -but at least I was always an initiator.



> *ak41 said*: I have a thought but don't be upset, being you are going to be gone for a week why don't we just not have sex the rest of the month so come March we are like really raring to go?


 I re-read this.. is it possible he is just trying to get a RISE out of you ... to see HOW you would react to this ... I am just guessing here.. 

It is very odd.. when I 1st read this, I was thinking he just meant when you "was away" - but I see he meant much longer... I don't know what to think Now

Come right out and ask him, force his honesty --what DOES he want here... If he wants you to step it up - tell him to be honest about it..... and yeah, not play games ... cause this is very odd.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Well ever since we got married he started with the I am stingy thing


The obvious question is: Why don't you ASK him what it is he needs?


more bj's
you initiating more
regularly set-aside time for intimacy (no tv shows, computer, hobbies, etc.)
openness to new ideas, positions, toys, etc.
Asking him, instead of making assumptions, can only help you two.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> The obvious question is: Why don't you ASK him what it is he needs?


Problem with men like this is that they are rarely forthcoming. You almost have to play detective to figure out why they don't want to have sex. I mean how many men are willing to come home and say directly "baby I love you but you're fat"? Not many.

I believe men have been programmed to think they are supposed to want sex 24/7 no matter what is going on and when they don't they feel shame therefore it's hard for them to be honest.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think he is telling you what he wants right here... Sounds to me like he wants his wife to show him some passion, step it up..if you have a higher sex drive, I don't get it... why are you not going after him.. Has he rejected you in the past ??
> 
> Sounds like he wants you to BUILD your drive so you will feel insatiable when you come together again ... I am thinking of his dreaming his wife could "loose control " around him... maybe a fantasy of his.
> 
> ...


This , I second this.

He thinks you don't find him attractive although you say otherwise he might not believe your words.
Don't tell him, show him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Agree to his plan! Then a couple of days later, start masturbating in bed with him next to you. Tell him how not being allowed to have sex has made you so horny. Really get into it when doing yourself. 

I know for me, there is no way that I am not joining right in.


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

My sister lives about 40 miles away. And this morning when I talked to him about it he was going about he is always the one to initaite and if he had to wait for me to do it we would never be together.

He is a very passive man, he has a hard time sharing his feelings, if there is something on his mind sometimes he won't tell me or he will wait for the right time once he told me two weeks later. Just like with this topic, he didn't want to say it because he didn't want me to get upset.

Well I just don't know where he is coming from alot of the time. I know he tells me he feels I don't really want him and maybe not attracted to him. So yes do I need to show it versus just words.

It is very difficult for me, he has never rejected me, but I am always afraid he will and he knows my past with that with my exhusband he was very mean about our intimate relations so my husband even brining up not being together just sends fear through me because it takes me back to a bad place and he knows about this ( being cheated on and left) and he always said oh I would never treat you the way your ex did. Than he starts talking and acting all dumb about our what I thought good sex life


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I'm a man chiming in here. How old is your husband?

Here's my take on it. 

He's tired, and he also might physically be changing where his desire isn't as strong out of the gate. As men get older, we don't "wake up with wood" every morning, or pop one just because, like when we were young. Unfortunately, we're just like a small motor. When you first buy it, one pull and it's revving hard and strong. As it gets older, it needs more priming, and playing with the knobs, a few extra pulls on the cord. Sometimes the motor just won't start on a given day. 

You say your husband works 2 jobs, I'm assuming hes older, He's TIRED and also maybe losing testosterone as well. Add into that the feeling that his wife doesn't find him attractive and his wife doesn't initiate...well you have a man who needs some extra revving who isn't getting it.

Be patient and reassuring more than anything. Also pursue him more. Don't SAY...SHOW.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

My suggestion is couples therapy if you both want to try and fix these issues.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> ...As men get older, we don't "wake up with wood" every morning ...


Good god man. Dont tell me this. Dont even think it.

Im pushing 50.. but puh-lease. Dont take my sunshine away! 

(oh the horror! Seriously. This would be a bg deal for me.)


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

ak41 said:


> My sister lives about 40 miles away. And this morning when I talked to him about it he was going about he is always the one to initaite and if he had to wait for me to do it we would never be together.
> 
> He is a very passive man, he has a hard time sharing his feelings, if there is something on his mind sometimes he won't tell me or he will wait for the right time once he told me two weeks later. Just like with this topic, he didn't want to say it because he didn't want me to get upset.
> 
> ...


I see a kind of typical "Nice Guy" here.(I've started seeing Nice guys on every thread). He's passive, afraid to rock the boat, afraid of conflict, afraid to convey his own needs in a direct manner, afraid to be assertive. Is he generally the one who apologizes and tries to make up after a fight? Does he act like a pushover sometimes?

I would suggest you get him the book called "No More Mr Nice Guy" and making him read it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ok, here's my thoughts.
1. Why is your sister going on vacation without her daughter? I mean, I can see a weekend away with SO, but a full vacation, I couldn't do. To each his own, I guess.
2. How old is your niece? Is she in school? If not, why can't she go to your house while your sister is on vacation?
3. You husband works two jobs... do you work/have any income yourself?
4. Even if your niece is in school... why couldn't you go home on weekends to be with your husband? Bring your niece with you.
5. INITIATE. That's what the man WANTS from you! How many times does he have to say it? How else does he have to tell you? Would it help if he bought you a book detailing HOW to initiate with your spouse?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Good god man. Dont tell me this. Dont even think it.
> 
> Im pushing 50.. but puh-lease. Dont take my sunshine away!
> 
> (oh the horror!)


HAHA, okay so SOME men...I'm 40 and I still do. My wife loves it. I head to the shower first and 4-5 times a week she has to get a grope in as I walk past her towards the bathroom. :smthumbup:

But still. When I was 20, I'd stay rock hard for 2 hours (and no, I didn't need to "seek immediate medical attention" LOL). Now I can still do the same, but it's more like 10 x 12 minutes. So I know that as we age, our bodies do betray us, and some more than others. I know if I was working 2 jobs....I wouldn't be as "virile" as I am (and I'm saying that tongue in cheek LOL)


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ak41 said:


> My sister lives about 40 miles away. And this morning when I talked to him about it he was going about he is always the one to initaite and if he had to wait for me to do it we would never be together.
> 
> He is a very passive man, he has a hard time sharing his feelings, if there is something on his mind sometimes he won't tell me or he will wait for the right time once he told me two weeks later. Just like with this topic, he didn't want to say it because he didn't want me to get upset.


 Ok, You married a very passive man, most women don't want these type of Men, they are Beta, they are pleasers , they need more reassurance... My husband was kinda like this in sex... Had I EVER outright rejected him, he probably would have never touched me again.. .and if I didn't initiate at all, well... he could damn well HOLD OUT till the house fell down, self control - a little too much....he did not make a fuss about it... 



> Well I just don't know where he is coming from alot of the time. I know he tells me he feels I don't really want him and maybe not attracted to him. So yes do I need to show it versus just words.


 HEAR ME... *HE NEEDS YOU TO SHOW IT* .. this is what he is saying to you. It's probably like an emotional Need, a craving he can't lay down, in his head thinking... "how in the hell am I going to get her to come after me". (seriously) 



> It is very difficult for me, *he has never rejected me*, but I am always *afraid* he will


 Push back your FEARS on this.. he HAS NEVER rejected you...Repeat...he has NEVER rejected you.. from his point of view...you have no reason to worry about this, so he takes this as you not wanting him, as much as you can't understand this... this is what he SEES and FEELS... without the action.

Your FEARS is stopping you from fulfulling his greatest & DEEPEST desires here. 

I know these type of men, my husband is similar... they LIKE aggressive women, taking what they want..using them for their own pleasure.. He said this to me once.. well... a few times... this is their TURN on... I would bet you - your husband is the same...

I did a thread on this once -- trying to understand Men like this... in wanting to UP what he needs from ME...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/11217-want-hear-men-who-prefer-dominant-women-bed.html




> and he knows my past with that with my exhusband he was very mean about our intimate relations so my husband even bringing up not being together just sends fear through me because it takes me back to a bad place and he knows about this ( being cheated on and left) and he always said oh I would never treat you the way your ex did.


 GO take him down tonight.. and see what kind of reaction you get.... you have this awesome Power in your hands to Revive your sex life & emotional connection right along with it...

Do as the man is requesting, even in the "Mouse like" silly state he is going about it...If you love him, trust him, Go for it !!!! I really think this is what he is needing from you... 

I bet you both have some baggage from the Past holding you back here..Your Ex...and what about him, did he have a woman hurt him also in his past....for his passive ways??

Easy to say... Get him to read "No More Mr Nice Guy".... my husband wouldn't ... but it was OK.. I bought the book, we went through it together..he has some of that going on... I can handle the way he is ... He's gotten better, more assertive.... these types need a woman who can understand them..work with them....and sometimes "dig things out of them"....being in cue to what may be under the surface...


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## Tomlongisland (Feb 4, 2013)

Big red flags! He is either getting it somewhere else or is pleasing himself. Therapy needed here bad for both of you.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

He WANTS her to initiate more. I think what she need to do here is JUMP HIS BONES! Maybe he is trying reverse psychology on her.. Whatever the case, she needs to initiate and if he rejects her.. then there's a problem and something else is going on. JMO


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

Yes he is a very passive man and that is with everyone, he says he is a pushover. He is usually the one that will make up after a fight. He has said that to me so many times that use me for your pleasure, or just take it, So I know he wants me to initiate and needs me to. 

My sister is going out of the coountry on a only adult vacation and her daughter is in school. 

Yes my husband was also hurt in his past relationship, they were engaged and together for years and she left him for a guy she knew a few days


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ak41 said:


> Yes *he is a very passive man *and that is with everyone, he says he is a pushover. He is usually the one that will make up after a fight. *He has said that to me so many times that use me for your pleasure, or just take it, So I know he wants me to initiate and needs me to*.
> 
> My sister is going out of the coountry on a only adult vacation and her daughter is in school.
> 
> *Yes my husband was also hurt in his past relationship, they were engaged and together for years and she left him for a guy she knew a few days.*


What you said here at the end...years dating / engaged & she dumps him after a few days -for a new man [email protected]#$%^ The hit to HIS self esteem was tremendous.....put that on top of an already passive personality... which he may very well have....

Some people are BORN more passive... read about the *Phlegmatic* here ...does this sound like him.. my husband is primary a Phlegmatic ... so I am assuming yours is too. The 4 Temperaments



> *Phlegmatics* are quiet, calm, and generally kind. They tend to take things as they come, and often don't want much from life. They shy away from excitement in favour of a regular, predictable life; this can lead to the other temperaments finding them 'boring'. They tend to be scared by things that take them out of their comfort zone.
> They are quiet and shy, because they always try to take the path of least resistance.
> 
> They abhor conflict because they are terrified of it, and wish that everyone would just get along; this leads to them often WANTING to play the mediator between the more passionate temperaments (particularly the melancholic and choleric, who are prone to argue often), but they lack confidence and don't assert themselves...
> ...


It will help you understand HIM more if you learn about his Inborn nature. Some people need to UP their assertiveness, and some like your Ex husband - probably needed more of the Kind qualities you find in your husband . 

As for his thoughts about wanting you to "USE him for your own pleasure".. taken from a book entitled "'Sheet music" ... ...gives an example of a husband like this...

"Ted wants his wife to be the sexual aggressor. He loves it when she pushes him over & jumps on top; it's the most thrilling thing he's ever known to watch his wife actively take part in the sexual act and actually work to find the position where she receives the most stimulation. And when she's expressive about how good shes feeling , Ted can barely contain his excitement". 

That about sums up what your husband is craving *from you*. 

Are you ready to Jump in ?? You could start with a book like this >> 

Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man:  or 

 The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex: An Indispensible Guide to Pleasure & Seduction


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## serenitycat (Feb 12, 2013)

We are in our 50's and have sex every day! When it is everyday its ok if its not great everyday cause I know I will have him the next day - I like it that way! and so does he!


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