# divorce and intimacy



## daz411 (Feb 16, 2015)

My wife of 3 yrs told me last week that she wanted to separate and get a divorce. Over the course of 7-8 months, I knew she wanted space to herself or to separate for a short period of time but I wasn't expecting she wanted to end our marriage. She told me she wants to be on her own and do her own thing yet she still wants me to be a big part of my life as her best friend and father to our son. I told her I can't promise her anything and its going to take me a long time to heal since I still love her. We still live in the same house and sleep in the same bed. Communication has been good between us lately but I'm also keeping my distance. She's surprised and upset that I longer include her when I see my friends and do things without her. I told her you're divorcing me and I'm preparing myself for later without you by my side. I feel like she wants to be part of my life yet she still wants a divorce. For the past few months, she's tried to be intimate with me but I've said please don't. Part of me wants to because I still love her and I'm going to miss it but I also feel if I get too close to her pyshically/emotionally it's going to be twice as hard dealing with it after the divorce. For those who are dealing with the same situation, are you still intimate with your spouse? If you were intimate, did you regret it later?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If you believe "doing her own thing" is the reason for this divorce then you give up too easily.

What reasons has she given other than that?

If she does divorce do not continue to be her "best friend".
You should continue seperating from her as much as possible.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If she is adamant about the divorce, it is better to detach now, because the more you do with her, the more bonded you will be. Lets just say, the stronger the attachment, the stronger the suffering that can happen as well.

Your looking after your emotional well-being first, which should be the case. I wouldn't be surprised if she wants another chance later on. Your raising your attraction level for her. Detaching shows strength. Attraction is part of love, and she is attracted to the strength that you are showing She also still has an attachment to you, and it is making her more clingy and needy. .


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You think that you're confused now! Just start sleeping with her all while she's in a D mindset, and just see where that gets you!

To continue to sleep with her while this marital probability of division is still actively going on is emotionally unsettling at best, and at the same time, gives you largely nothing more than a somewhat comforting but false sense of security regarding any reconcilliatory efforts of the standing relationship!

If she indeed wants D, then fastly comply with her wishes and provide it to her!*


----------



## Honda750 (Feb 12, 2015)

It's a tough call ...... You love her but she is trying to tell you something that you don't want to hear ......... Being in Love with someone in a Marriage is a total comittment to the end, and what that end might be depends largely on factors that at times we have no control about .......... The sooner you realize that, the better you can step back from this and look at it. I don't like the idea that she is giving you a "just because" reason for her space ........ You better wake up and get busy with finding out what she is up to.
I bet all the $$$ in my right pocket that there is a lot more to this than you cannot believe ........ The flip side of this is maybe the problem is you ........... Look at yourself in the mirror, do you like what you see ? Are you willing to keep trying to work something out with her or just let her make her own way ??? Seriously man, step back from this and see where the trees are standing. I am no better off here as I am having my issues with my wife but she is not trying to leave me, either. Good luck, sir !


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

In my view you're either in or out. You can't be her "best friend" if you have to move on because no decent woman will put up with you being "best friends" with your ex wife. Incidentally, take it from a woman when I tell you that your wife knows this and is attempting to keep you around as plan B and an ego boost in case she can't do better. Cut your ties now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

You really should not be sleeping in the same bed. When one partner wants a divorce, someone needs to move out. The children need to begin to adapt to the upcoming changes. So do you. Right now, she is having it all her own way. And sorry, maybe years down the line you and she can learn to be friends again, after a divorce, but she doesn't get to keep just the parts of you she wants. I.e fun times, being friends, going out with your friends. It does not work that way. A divorce is a huge step. It is rejection of all that you stood for together. Sure, it is great for the kids if you can be cordial, but being "best friends" is unrealistic, would give your kids false hopes of reconciliation and also may prevent you from moving on with another woman at some point.

Which may be part of her "reason" to want to keep you close. But I doubt very much she will avoid other relationships.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

She wants to have her cake and eat it too!

She wants to divorce you, but still sleep with you, go out with you, continue to have the same friends, and co-parent your child as if nothing has happened. Only the last item is acceptable.

Detach. Act as if you're separated, but still living in the same house. Do not sleep in the same bed, do not go out together, do not act as if you're a "couple". That will be a big reality check, and she'll double, triple, quadruple check her intention to divorce.


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

orange_pekoe said:


> she wants to have her cake and eat it too!


bingo!


----------



## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> no decent woman will put up with you being "best friends" with your ex wife.


I was the betrayed wife, and my ex seemed to think I should be perfectly fine with him having a "best friend" of the opposite sex, whom he did more with than he did for me, and his son COMBINED. Definite EA, and very likely Physical too prior to separation. Definitely yes after separation.


Trust me... if you are willing and able to move on, do so. Don't let her keep you as plan B. I tried that with my EX - thinking I'd do anything to try and win him back, and it didn't work. It just prolongs your pain and healing. I'm sorry, there is no easy way or answer.


----------

