# So lost and still hurting



## Lily82 (Sep 23, 2011)

My husband was emotionally and verbally abusive for nearly 3 years. He would lie, break promises, and ignore myself, his kids, his family almost every day. I in turn shut down toward him as everything I tried failed. I tried to get us counselling. He refused to go with me. I went alone... And she told me at that time to consider leaving. Instead, I stopped going to see her.... Partially because I couldnt afford to continue and he was covering the bill. Well, to have THAT come up equated to him saying I really shouldnt keep doing it and he would try to change.
A year passed. Not much different. Less yelling, but still that air about him that everything relating to his wants and needs were a thousand times more important. The job he coveted, he was suddenly fired from. He never truly said why, but I spent the next 4 months getting myself a job and finding him one. The lies and broken promises came back. I told him how much it was hurting me, but he dismissed it- until his father said he was disappointed in him for broken words as well. That led to the sudden realization of NEEDING counselling asap. 
We went twice together. I ended up going 6 times alone. She told him he needed to think on what was wrong.... But he felt there wasnt any issues on his part.

Now the lies are coming AGAIN. He lies to his parents about me. His job once again is more important than us. Its like anyone with a higher authority, the ones whose opinions "lead to something" are all he worries on. I asked why he lied to his parents on me. "I didnt want mom to be upset with me on what you did." (I left my job to take care of the kids and the house- he rarely helps with either).
I lost it and demanded he call with the truth. He broke my trust AGAIN and doesnt get why I'm upset. I'm tired of the lying.
We get along as friends still... But I hate the fact I cant trust his word. I cringe when he touches me, when he kisses me. We havent been intimate in almost a year.
I admit to having a friend online. A guy I feel very close to, that I knew for many years. When all this started, we grew closer. I now feel I have more love for him than my own husband- and I dont even actually know him. I confessed to my husband on this guy.... That he had said he loved me. Husband's only response was "Yeah, well I have you."

I dont know whats going on anymore. My mom recently left my father for almost the same thing (Dad was a drunk for most of my life- hubby is a social drinker... But if he did drink, he probably would be just as bad). I feel like we're not moving at all. A large part of me wants to leave because of all the times he's broken my trust, and I do have a new job lined up for the start of the year... But I worry about my two young kids and if we can manage alone, especially with the current other problem- we are behind on bills, but I don't know which ones. He hides statements and notices, bounces checks... Its driving me mad, when he says he'll just pull from his 401k to cover things when we get shut off notes. 
I just want my kids happy and safe... But I also dont want to feel so lost all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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