# My Wife wants to Separate, but I don't



## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

Hello everyone,

I dont know if I am looking for advice or comfort, or both, but here goes my story.

Me and my wife had been together for 10 years and married for almost 4. We also have a daughter of 3 years old.

Recently she said that she wants to separate, that even tho she loves me very much and cares about me, she has felt out of love. She claims that maybe her in-love feelings never had been that strong, and there was a lack of sexual attraction. But never has been like now, where she did not really want to intimate. 

She said that I am the perfect husband and father, that I haven't really done anything, and that especially we have an amazing communication and connection. But she said that she is still very young, and wants to find a partner for who feels an amazing sexual chemistry, as well the connection we have now. Even tho, she admitted that she is not in a rush right now to find anything else and she wants to take her time.

So for now she wants the separation, and be able to stand on her feet, and she really hopes that we can be best friends as we always had been.

After the news the least I can say is that I was shock, and I explained to her, that her feelings fading are maybe due because we had to change country and live with her parents for almost 2 years without being lucky finding jobs. And on top of that, her mother and sister pressuring of not coming back to where we were living before, and just nitpicking on me for everything to make her slowly "dislike" me....they were even saying to her that I was brainwashing her in loving me. You can imagine with what kind of stress and pressure we were living in.

I said to her that in conditions like that we had no time to nurture our relationship, and it was spelling doom.

At the beginning she did not want to listen to that theory, she was just focusing and that never she really felt that strong chemistry with me. But after some days she said that, yes conditions had been very bad, and maybe I am right that she lots feelings because of that. But the problem is that at this moment she doesnt feel it and she doesnt think it can change, but she knows that for it to have any chance of changing, we have to completely separate. 

Neverless, she wants to be best friends and she calls me like everyday, and tells me that she is enjoying her single life that she likes to get attention from other guys and that she has plans with her girlfriends of having fun travelling together and such. She feels that she is herself again. Sounded a bit like a mid-life crisis.

For now, I am just giving her space and not talk about us as a couple much, to see if she starts missing me. We are even living in different countries now, since I went back to recover my old job.
I know that she cares about me, but it hurts so much that I cannot see her nor my daughter as much as I want to. I know that she cares a lot about me, but she seems very happy with her decision and being free.

I wish I could do something to seduce her back or to convince her, but for now the only thing I can do is give her time and space and hope that she will come back. It is so sad to see that a very stable and good relationship has to go to the drain because circumstances foreign to us and toxic parents.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

jaumeat said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I dont know if I am looking for advice or comfort, or both, but here goes my story.
> 
> ...


OP,
Allow me to interpret what she has told you.

"H, I am too young and immature to be a wife and mother but it has been forced upon me by my own immature choices. I am still quite young and my wants are very strong so I have decided to date again. Our child makes this difficult so I would like for us to remain good friends so you can be my babysitter and safety net should anything go wrong. To me, a friend is someone who does things for you and that you can use until they no longer want to be used at which time they are no longer a friend. So, I will continue to behave like a teenage girl and I would appreciate you not lecturing me or trying to curtail my fun. Just be there when I need you and stay out of my business when I do not. I may, at some point, decide to show you attention again or I may not, depending on how my dating goes and how much fun I am having so you just hang there and wait on me to decide what I want to do. This new life is really fun!"

OP,
If you allow her this freedom she will be emboldened and even more demanding. You need to tell her wife and mother or trollop, not both. Give me your decision now and we will proceed accordingly.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

You both are in a marriage, or your divorced. NO being friends. All that means is she wants a reliable baby sitter to watch the kid will she goes off to suck some guy.

Sorry for being blunt.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I agree with No choice, if you give a weak response she will walk all over you. Your response should be strong

1. If you no longer want to be married to me, just tell me now and I shall proceed with divorce
2. Tell all family and friends what she is doing, do not cover for her
3. Go see a lawyer to ensure you have yourself covered.
4. Go no contact unless it is about the kid
5. Remember you cannot 'nice' her back into the marriage

This may all seem counter-intuitive but being weak and allowing her 'to find herself' is not the answer.

Was this a love marriage or an arranged marriage? How old are you both?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jaumeat said:


> She really hopes that we can be best friends as we always had been.
> 
> She doesn't think it can change, but she knows that for it to have any chance of changing, we have to completely separate.
> 
> She wants to be best friends and she calls me like everyday, and tells me that she is enjoying her single life that she likes to get attention from other guys and that she has plans with her girlfriends of having fun traveling together and such. She feels that she is herself again. Sounded a bit like a mid-life crisis.


You realize what she is doing and you go along with this?

She is getting attention of other men?

She likes the single life?

She and her single girlfriends are going to travel together?

*I give her this. She is being VERY open and clear. *She is. That is the only thing "good?" about this ordeal that you are going through.

She honestly is going to have sex with many men from her chemistry set. She will experiment with each and every one of them. She is going to let them put their fleshy 'elixir' [he licks her] in her beaker jar. 
Each one will swirl their swizzle stick in her to see if she has a reaction, one that produces a chemical 'heat of reaction' of at least 39.444 Celsius. She wants the sparks to fly and her flesh to cook with these men.

She is going to have illicit sex around the clock.. around the ****.

And she wants to remain friends with you...

Uh,* HELL NO!...file for divorce immediately*. Dump her poisonous mixture on the weeds in the back yard. They deserve this, not you.

Do not be a Chump for a cheap Chippee.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Allow me to interpret what she has told you.
> 
> "H, I am too young and immature to be a wife and mother but it has been forced upon me by my own immature choices. I am still quite young and my wants are very strong so I have decided to date again. Our child makes this difficult so I would like for us to remain good friends so you can be my babysitter and safety net should anything go wrong. To me, a friend is someone who does things for you and that you can use until they no longer want to be used at which time they are no longer a friend. So, I will continue to behave like a teenage girl and I would appreciate you not lecturing me or trying to curtail my fun. Just be there when I need you and stay out of my business when I do not. I may, at some point, decide to show you attention again or I may not, depending on how my dating goes and how much fun I am having so you just hang there and wait on me to decide what I want to do. This new life is really fun!"
> ...


This. She's probably already dating (cheating) or at the very least has a prospect in her sights.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I would agree with the previous post that says she has already found someone that she is attracted to - quite possibly encouraged on by her mother and sisters!

For her to follow this immoral/amoral path she needs you in her life as a babysitter and partial provider. But nothing else. You need to forget about trying to beg her to come back and start protecting yourself legally and with respect to custody. If you don't want another man bringing up your daughter, you need to move fast. What country are you in and what country is she and your daughter in ? You need to get familiar with the legal systems in both soon!


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Allow me to interpret what she has told you.
> 
> "H, I am too young and immature to be a wife and mother but it has been forced upon me by my own immature choices. I am still quite young and my wants are very strong so I have decided to date again. Our child makes this difficult so I would like for us to remain good friends so you can be my babysitter and safety net should anything go wrong. To me, a friend is someone who does things for you and that you can use until they no longer want to be used at which time they are no longer a friend. So, I will continue to behave like a teenage girl and I would appreciate you not lecturing me or trying to curtail my fun. Just be there when I need you and stay out of my business when I do not. I may, at some point, decide to show you attention again or I may not, depending on how my dating goes and how much fun I am having so you just hang there and wait on me to decide what I want to do. This new life is really fun!"
> ...


Please read the above every hour on the hour until it sinks in. Your thought process is the beginning of what is called the "pick me game" and it will not end well. Read the posts on here or anywhere else and see what the result is in the overwhelming number of cases where wife wants to separate for space. Ninety percent of the time there is another man already involved or on the horizon and your wife isn't even denying she's loving her single life. And by the way married women who want to separate do not stop wanting to get laid. Keep that in mind.

So now you are separated and the translation also is you are in an open marriage that you never signed up for. You watch the kids, provide her with some financial stability, talk to her, and she dates other men. If that sounds good to you do nothing but what you are.

If not and you want to reverse course do it


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

Nooo she is not that bad, what she asked is for a legal separation, which is a requirement to file a divorce. Once we sign the separation papers we both are free to do whatever we want. 

I also know for a fact that she is not dating anyone, I even had always access to her phone, mails etc. She was even encouraging to look at it.

It was a love marriage, but there is some age difference. She is 28 and im 39. Her mother never liked this, but at that time she loved me very much, and nothing could have stopped her.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jaumeat said:


> Nooo she is not that bad, what she asked is for a legal separation, which is a requirement to file a divorce. Once we sign the separation papers we both are free to do whatever we want.
> 
> I also know for a fact that she is not dating anyone, I even had always access to her phone, mails etc. She was even encouraging to look at it.
> 
> ...


Wishful thinking...

NO!, this is ALL about sex and passion. Nothing else.

Sorry. The truth is hard to swallow. Too many sharp bones of truth get caught in your throat.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

jaumeat said:


> Nooo she is not that bad, what she asked is for a legal separation, which is a requirement to file a divorce. Once we sign the separation papers we both are free to do whatever we want.
> 
> I also know for a fact that she is not dating anyone, I even had always access to her phone, mails etc. She was even encouraging to look at it.
> 
> ...


You're in denial like most. Her other man will surface. Sorry man but you need to wake up


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> You're in denial like most. Her other man will surface. Sorry man but you need to wake up


Well its not about being in denial, its that she did not want to leech on me since she did not ask for an open relationship. I cannot even babysit because we are in different countries right now. So what many suggested here is that she wants me to babysit and sustain her economically while she screws around its not true.

My main concert is that her feelings will come back now that we dont have the stress caused by her family, or if it is a lost cause.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

jaumeat said:


> Well its not about being in denial, its that she did not want to leech on me since she did not ask for an open relationship. I cannot even babysit because we are in different countries right now. So what many suggested here is that she wants me to babysit and sustain her economically while she screws around its not true.
> 
> My main concert is that her feelings will come back now that we dont have the stress caused by her family, or if it is a lost cause.


Ok but she's essentially dumped you. What your best course of action at this time?

Staying in contact, trying to be her "friend" just makes this a much easier decision for her.

You need to take yourself out of the equation if you want to try and save this. Your actions at this time are telling her you're ok with being dumped. Cut out the Mr Nice Guy BS. It makes you look weak and passive and lowers your status. Trying to nice them back is the worst thing you can do. If you chase or do the "pick me dance" it pushes them farther away.

Read up this will help
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I see you still have your rose coloured glasses on for her. She is 28 not 18, old enough to know that marriage is a serious committment and you dont get to play 'eenie meanie minie mo,' with your H feelings.

You have to be decisive, file now. You cannot be her friend, friends do not treat their enemies like this. Move on.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

I would never be "friends" with such a cake eater.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

You are soooo DONE, man. The faster you wrap your head around this and go jihaad on her ass the better the outcome will be. Act quickly and decisively.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jaumeat said:


> Recently she said that she wants to separate, that even tho she loves me very much and cares about me, she has felt out of love. She claims that *maybe* her in-love feelings never had been that strong, and there was a lack of sexual attraction. *But never has been like now, where she did not really want to intimate. *


This is a Red Flag...

When a Wife has an affair partner she suddenly becomes faithful to him, not to her husband. 
The suddeness is the key. You did nothing to warrant this. She says you are a great husband.

She does not want to "cheat" on him with another man.

How are you doing, Senor Otro Hombre?

This is all speculation until you convince 'us' otherwise.

I know, you hate this script. We hate it too. But, past posters have caused us to keep traveling down this road.

It may be a dead end road....that she actually 'does not' have a lover.....but guess what, nothing new, she would have no lover anyway; since she does not love you.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

jaumeat said:


> Well its not about being in denial, its that she did not want to leech on me since she did not ask for an open relationship. I cannot even babysit because we are in different countries right now. So what many suggested here is that she wants me to babysit and sustain her economically while she screws around its not true.
> 
> My main concert is that her feelings will come back now that we dont have the stress caused by her family, or if it is a lost cause.


The feelings coming back during a separation is a myth in most cases. The stress of the family situation is not why your in this today. She wants to explore single life and "have fun" and he has told you this. This is so often the case in separations, one has fun and one waits around hoping....

The downfall is she will have fun, she will enjoy the attention and all that comes with the newfound world of single life. She will convince herself that you have held her back and her unhappiness is your fault. Eventually the shiny new single fun world will get old to her but that could take a year or two to happen and you have zero guarantee that once it happens she gonna come back to you since she will spend so much time convincing herself your the issue. It's what they do and it's all very typical behavior unfortunately. 

She still needs some emotional needs met which is why your getting the friend speech and she is still talking to you, as time goes on and she becomes more confident in her new world this will be less and less. Your also plan b, the safety net. She knows you will take her back so she has no incentive to change her current behavior. She has created the win/win scenario in her head. You need to stop playing her game and take control back of your life. Time is not your ally, the longer it goes on the less likely you will have any chance of reconciliation 

Cut her off, only talk to her when it's about your child. You'll think that will push her away but it wont, what your doing now does. She needs to see she has something to lose, right now she is gambling nothing in her head.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What countries are you living in ? I am assuming you are now in your home country ? (Is it her home country too ?)

She knows you will come if she beckons - that is what most mean by having you around as a safety net or for support should things go wrong. She has already told you she enjoys the attention of other men. What on earth do you think she means by this ? As others are saying, the other man will surface soon if you keep looking. I fear that you may be in denial.

Why should she come back to you right now when she has her chance to go and do what she likes (and feels she has missed out on) while she knows you will be waiting around in case she needs to come back. You need to wake up!


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You and your wife can't work on anything being apart especially in different countries.

She is not going to want to give up her single partying life, now that she has had a taste of it. 

You need to move on and find your own life, and live it like she is.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

jaumeat said:


> Nooo she is not that bad, what she asked is for a legal separation, which is a requirement to file a divorce. Once we sign the separation papers we both are free to do whatever we want.
> 
> I also know for a fact that she is not dating anyone, I even had always access to her phone, mails etc. She was even encouraging to look at it.
> 
> ...


OP,
What would you describe as being "that bad" if a woman telling you she wants to break up her family so she can date and party is not?



jaumeat said:


> Well its not about being in denial, its that she did not want to leech on me since she did not ask for an open relationship. I cannot even babysit because we are in different countries right now. So what many suggested here is that she wants me to babysit and sustain her economically while she screws around its not true.
> 
> My main concert is that her feelings will come back now that we dont have the stress caused by her family, or if it is a lost cause.


May I inquire in whose care your children are while she is out with her friends partying? And also is she financially independent requiring no assistance from you? Lastly, stress can have different effects on relationships depending on their initial strength. A weak relationship can be destroyed by stress but a relationship with a solid foundation can endure much. In a perfect world, with no stress, do you believe that she would not have (re)acted as she did? There is no perfect world.


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

No, she is not partying, she cant even do that with our daughter full time. The attention she was getting was via chat only.

The thing is that she needs professional help. Yesterday she contacted and was crying bc she misses our family, and I offered her to come here the summer and go to counseling. She answered that she is afraid to come bc things will go well for a while and maybe lose her attraction again. She even said that has fear of ppl being too close to her female or male.... I hope she agrees to get help via counseling, there is obviously an underlaying problem there.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jaumeat said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I dont know if I am looking for advice or comfort, or both, but here goes my story.
> 
> ...


She has found another man already. She's already cheating. Women don't leave men who've done nothing wrong but become boring unless there's another man already taking her breath away. Please trust us on this. You and 50,000 other men who've thought their wife was telling the truth and found the OM later. And no woman with a 3-year-old just breaks up the family so she can experience 'adulthood.' Unless she's planning to give you the kid. She THINKS this smooth-talking man wants her AND her kid, when all he really wants is access to her body. Women fall for it all.the.time.



jaumeat said:


> for now the only thing I can do is give her time and space and hope that she will come back.


No, the only thing you should do now is check the phone records to see what number she's been texting 200 times a day, put a voice-activated recorder velcroed under the seat of her car so you can get the proof of the affair, and visit a lawyer just to see what your legal rights are. THEN you will confront her about the affair and give her ONE chance to come clean and end the affair before you divorce her and seek full custody. 

Women NEED strong men. Biologically. Emotionally. Her OM is 'strong' because he's pursuing a married woman, so he takes her breath away. The only chance you have of saving your marriage is for YOU to be strong - to take the initiative, get proof of the affair, confront her, and make it clear you won't share her.

I know, I know, she already 'says' she wants away from you, this will only chase her away.

Wrong. 

Please let those of us with experience tell you what she's really thinking.

And in the meantime, send her this link; it explains quite clearly why she is feeling 'in love' with someone else, that the 'in love' feeling comes from PEA chemicals that only last 3 or 4 years, tops, in the body and then fade away. Until the NEXT time you meet someone new and you feel like you've never felt this way in your life and you'd throw your whole life away just to keep feeling it. Problem is, that feeling with THIS guy will fade just like it did with you. And then what will she have? A relationship with a guy that she ruined her life for, a guy who helped her commit adultery.
https://www.google.com/search?q=pea...rome..69i57.3791j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

jaumeat said:


> No, she is not partying, she cant even do that with our daughter full time. The attention she was getting was via chat only.
> 
> The thing is that she needs professional help. Yesterday she contacted and was crying bc she misses our family, and I offered her to come here the summer and go to counseling. She answered that she is afraid to come bc things will go well for a while and maybe lose her attraction again. She even said that has fear of ppl being too close to her female or male.... I hope she agrees to get help via counseling, there is obviously an underlaying problem there.
> 
> Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


OP,
I hope you are correct about her not already living the single life but you did say she was enjoying it so what is she enjoying if she is not experiencing? You also said that she was making plans to go away with her girlfriends on trips and such.

I agree with you that she sounds very confused and that is what happens when a little girl is in the body of a 30 year old. She is ill equipped to handle mature situations. You need to understand that "giving her space" and the freedom of a separation may be just enough rope for her to hang herself with. Children do not do well on their own. My advice to you would be to do whatever is necessary to get back to your family and gain some control over this situation. She is afraid to come to you for fear that things might go well? This is problematic. And she fears she will lose attraction again? All of this just reinforces what I am saying about her being too immature for a mature relationship.

Without you around to "parent" her she may run very much amuck with her mindset. The internet is a dangerous thing in the hands of a child and chatting with men does not bode well for your marriage. If you really want to salvage this you need to take charge and either get yourself home or demand that she come where you are and work this out. You will have to take the initiative in this since she is not mature enough. I wish you good fortune.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

your being played but time will tell, protect yourself


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> I hope you are correct about her not already living the single life but you did say she was enjoying it so what is she enjoying if she is not experiencing? You also said that she was making plans to go away with her girlfriends on trips and such.
> 
> I agree with you that she sounds very confused and that is what happens when a little girl is in the body of a 30 year old. She is ill equipped to handle mature situations. You need to understand that "giving her space" and the freedom of a separation may be just enough rope for her to hang herself with. Children do not do well on their own. My advice to you would be to do whatever is necessary to get back to your family and gain some control over this situation. She is afraid to come to you for fear that things might go well? This is problematic. And she fears she will lose attraction again? All of this just reinforces what I am saying about her being too immature for a mature relationship.
> ...


Yeah, I told her, to come and have counseling, what is invest one month of your life and fail compared to not try and regretting losing the best thing that happened to you forever. To that she answered that she is going to think about that, but first she wants to go to the psychologist to sort herself out, which is also in my best interest, she added.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Move on, go find something new and exciting. She's GONE. Gone like yesterday.

And absolutely she's banging someone else. A guy much younger, richer, and better looking than you. I guarantee it. The best way to get over this knife to the heart feeling is to detach and start having fun with other women who actually want your **** inside them. There is no such thing as soul mates. Partners are replaceable and she's replaced you. Time for you to do the same.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> She has found another man already. She's already cheating. Women don't leave men who've done nothing wrong but become boring unless there's another man already taking her breath away. Please trust us on this. You and 50,000 other men who've thought their wife was telling the truth and found the OM later. And no woman with a 3-year-old just breaks up the family so she can experience 'adulthood.' Unless she's planning to give you the kid. She THINKS this smooth-talking man wants her AND her kid, when all he really wants is access to her body. Women fall for it all.the.time.
> 
> 
> No, the only thing you should do now is check the phone records to see what number she's been texting 200 times a day, put a voice-activated recorder velcroed under the seat of her car so you can get the proof of the affair, and visit a lawyer just to see what your legal rights are. THEN you will confront her about the affair and give her ONE chance to come clean and end the affair before you divorce her and seek full custody.
> ...



All well said except:

No! Not a guy....a POSOM ........a Piece Of **** Other Man


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

wheres the child? with you or her do you see the child have any visitation? are you paying support?

Go dark and don't respond unless its about the welfare of the child. 


like the others I believe shes done. at least until the other guy kicks her to the curb and then she will be all over coming home until the next time.

you would be wise to listen to the members here and just move on with your life without her 

best of luck.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

You got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech followed by a rewriting of marital history "we never had chemistry." Both are classic lines from the Cheater's Handbook. You need to investigate an affair, as there is likely someone else. Do not ask her for info, just investigate. You can bust up the affair and turn it around, but you need to know what you're dealing with. Even if you choose not to save the marriage, you need to know what is going on in your marriage so you can explain to your daughter when she's older why you did not stay with her mother (and your wife will likely re-invent that marital history to paint herself in a prettier light as well). You need to get the facts.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jaumeat said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I dont know if I am looking for advice or comfort, or both, but here goes my story.
> 
> ...


Just reading this and I undstand why women are leaving their husbands. Where in the world is your back bone? Why can't you stand up for yourself?

Go out and find a girl and let your cheating wife know how much fun you are having being single again. 

Find your manhood.


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

I agree with what many of you said. The only thing I know is that she doesnt have anyone else. I explained to her about that the in love fades after max 3 years, blablabla. She said that she knows that, but when she asked to her mum "are you attracted to daddy?" And she said ofc, not like at the beginning but there is still sexual attraction. Then she said that wants to be in a relationship where she can have that and the wonderful emotional connection she has already with me.

I was like WTF, I think that your mum did not express it correctly, and that you are overrating this attraction thing.

But no matter, day after day I am more resented towards her. I am really angry that after 10 years and with a daughter, she could take this unilateral decision without even going to marital counseling, so a professional could explain in a professional and neutral point of view. Instead she decided to listen to her toxic mother, her divorced sister and her single friends.

Atm im so angry and disappointed that I'm avoiding talking to her. After some days to chill my emotions, I will confront her about how betrayed I feel and that I dont believe she cares about me nor or daughter when she can destroy a family like that. On top of that if she just wants to have me as best friends for my emotional support while she is looking for another man, then she doesnt know me, because Im not going to stick around. In fact the only reason I havent send her to hell is because of our lovelly daughter. I want she to be cooperative about visiting her.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

jaumeat said:


> In fact the only reason I havent send her to hell is because of our lovelly daughter.
> 
> Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


Is that legal where you live?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You'd have a hell of a time convincing me that she isn't already hauling the OM's ashes ~ which is preeminently the predicting factor in her wanting to put you out to pasture, and letting you "stick around" as a built-in babysitter!

I think that you would be far better served needing to be in a good family attorney's office, being fully advised of all of your property and custodial rights!*


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

Decorum said:


> Is that legal where you live?


What is legal?

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jaumeat said:


> After some days to chill my emotions, I will confront her about how betrayed I feel and that I dont believe she cares about me nor or daughter when she can destroy a family like that.


Oh yeah, THAT'll show her. You'll have her quaking in her boots.

Did you even read what I said about strong men? This is about the weakest sentence I've ever read on here. The only way it could be weaker is if you texted it to her.

What ACTIONS have you taken?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jaumeat 
You mention not having luck finding jobs for two years. How did you pay your bills during that time? Rent, food, clothing, medical, fun stuff? 

Financial stress can kill attraction. 

You also don't mention physical fitness at all. Are you fit? Have you gained a lot of weight during the last ten years? 





jaumeat said:


> I agree with what many of you said. The only thing I know is that she doesnt have anyone else. I explained to her about that the in love fades after max 3 years, blablabla. She said that she knows that, but when she asked to her mum "are you attracted to daddy?" And she said ofc, not like at the beginning but there is still sexual attraction. Then she said that wants to be in a relationship where she can have that and the wonderful emotional connection she has already with me.
> 
> I was like WTF, I think that your mum did not express it correctly, and that you are overrating this attraction thing.
> 
> ...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

jaumeat said:


> I agree with what many of you said. The only thing I know is that she doesnt have anyone else. I explained to her about that the in love fades after max 3 years, blablabla. She said that she knows that, but when she asked to her mum "are you attracted to daddy?" And she said ofc, not like at the beginning but there is still sexual attraction. Then she said that wants to be in a relationship where she can have that and the wonderful emotional connection she has already with me.
> 
> I was like WTF, I think that your mum did not express it correctly, and that you are overrating this attraction thing.
> Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


You don't know she doesn't have anyone else. You hope, but you don't know.

No, her mother isn't expressing anything incorrectly. Your wife asked if her mother is still sexually attracted to her father and the answer was very clear and understandable. 

No, she isn't overrating attraction. Sexual attraction is crucial to a romantic relationship. Sex with someone you aren't attracted to...well, it sucks. 

And, no, attraction doesn't fade in a few years. I've been with DH for 17 years. 14 years married. I am as sexually attracted to him now as I was then. 

I suspect your wife was young and inexperienced. She either underestimated the importance of sexual attraction or she'd never experienced sexual attraction and thought what she did feel was all there is. Now, she's grown and realizes there is more. There is attraction AND connection out there and she does not want to settle for less anymore. She wants the whole package.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

jaumeat said:


> Atm im so angry and disappointed that I'm avoiding talking to her. After some days to chill my emotions, I will confront her about how betrayed I feel and that I dont believe she cares about me nor or daughter when she can destroy a family like that. On top of that if she just wants to have me as best friends for my emotional support while she is looking for another man, then she doesnt know me, because Im not going to stick around. In fact the only reason I havent send her to hell is because of our lovelly daughter. I want she to be cooperative about visiting her.
> 
> Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


Tell that crap to us.

I'm going to use capital letters here.... *NOTHING IS LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN A SNIVELING AGGRIEVED VICTIM*

Stay out of that role - forever.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> You don't know she doesn't have anyone else. You hope, but you don't know.
> 
> No, her mother isn't expressing anything incorrectly. Your wife asked if her mother is still sexually attracted to her father and the answer was very clear and understandable.
> 
> ...


Men are almost always really attracted to their wives. It's a huge part of why they marry them.

Much less so for many women. Security plays a big role for many. And, feelings change.

As MEM points out, have you been out of work? Are you fit or fat? Do you bring your "A game" to the relationship every day?

Do you make an effort to talk about interesting things?
Do you plan activities that include something other than sex?
Are you open and honest with her?
Are you affectionate on a daily basis? (phone calls & flowers and the like)

Complacency is the enemy of attraction.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

ReturntoZero said:


> Men are almost always really attracted to their wives. It's a huge part of why they marry them.
> 
> Much less so for many women. Security plays a big role for many. And, feelings change.
> 
> ...


The wife isn't talking about feelings. She isn't talking about security. She's talking about raw chemical sexual attraction. He can stand on his head and recite the Gettysburg Address in Aramaic, but if the chemical attraction isn't there for her it's not going to suddenly appear no matter what he does. Raw attraction is completely outside of our control.


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## amj8858 (Jun 6, 2017)

Bro you deserve way better than that. I know right now your in love with her, but understand this may be a better thing for you in the long run. You don't want a woman like that in your life she sounds like she just wants to party and sleep around. I would consider if I was you trying to get full custody of your child. Also why are you entertaining these phone calls from her. It's only going to break your heart and keep you from moving on. If you except a call from her it should only be to talk to your child. Move on bro. There are so many beautiful respectful ladies out there get off the couch and stop waiting for her calls and go find one. You need to be happy in order to have a productive relationship with your child so begain this by the following. Stop talking to her about her escapades only talk to her about the welfare of the child. Stop sitting around and get out there find that special someone that wants a good man to share there life with. You'll see in the long run this is better. I wish you the best buddy. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> The wife isn't talking about feelings. She isn't talking about security. She's talking about raw chemical sexual attraction. He can stand on his head and recite the Gettysburg Address in Aramaic, but if the chemical attraction isn't there for her it's not going to suddenly appear no matter what he does. Raw attraction is completely outside of our control.


Exactly, I have only been caring, giving all the attention she needed and when she wanted, and of course never forced or had sex when she did not want to. She even said it, I am the perfect husband and father, and she wishes that she had those feelings for me, because it would make everything much easier.


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> Tell that crap to us.
> 
> I'm going to use capital letters here.... *NOTHING IS LESS ATTRACTIVE THAN A SNIVELING AGGRIEVED VICTIM*
> 
> Stay out of that role - forever.


I totally agree, thats why I havent told her that, I just exploded in the forums


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

turnera said:


> Oh yeah, THAT'll show her. You'll have her quaking in her boots.
> 
> Did you even read what I said about strong men? This is about the weakest sentence I've ever read on here. The only way it could be weaker is if you texted it to her.
> 
> What ACTIONS have you taken?


I have contacted a lawyer to have my rights protected.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MEM2020 said:


> Jaumeat
> You mention not having luck finding jobs for two years. How did you pay your bills during that time? Rent, food, clothing, medical, fun stuff?
> 
> Financial stress can kill attraction.
> ...


You need to answer this...no matter how uncomfortable it makes you.

You can get your body in shape..

Get your hygiene in shape, haircut, no stubble on your face, cologne, dress nice.

You can get a job, any job. Unless, you a convicted felon. Even then some employers will give you a chance. 

Your specific problems are fixable. They are. 

Fix yourself, she may again fixate on you. If not, some other women will. Especially if you are working, friendly, well groomed.

Answer this post.


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

MEM2020 said:


> Jaumeat
> You mention not having luck finding jobs for two years. How did you pay your bills during that time? Rent, food, clothing, medical, fun stuff?
> 
> Financial stress can kill attraction.
> ...


Actually I like this question, its a very interesting one. 

We are from 2 different countries in EU. First we lived in my country where I had the job and we had our own flat, car and had enough money to travel. The problem is that she
did not adapt, and wanted to move to her country. So I sold the car, rent the apartment and got an unpayed permission from work. So I had around 100k dollars saved.

In her country she found a part time job but I did not, you cant find a job without knowing the local language, English is not enough especially in a city of around 20k ppl. So I studied at the university
full time and worked 1 month part time. So with all my savings and the little she was earning we were living.

We did not pay rent because we were living with her parents.

But living there was hell, no privacy or anything, and her mother was yelling at her for EVERYTHING she, me or our daughter was doing or not doing...

No relationship would have survived that.


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> You need to answer this...no matter how uncomfortable it makes you.
> 
> You can get your body in shape..
> 
> ...


Yeah my hygiene is good, and I dress well when I go out. I could not get a job because I needed the language, so I was studying full time getting A's and B's. In fact there was a student there who was hitting on my all the time! and I only had been faithful.

In fact living there I lost 10kg. Went from 86 to 76kg and I am 1.82 meters.

Now I am back to my country, to my old job, started at the gymn and swimming, and I feel better for everyday that I am far from there. The only problem is my daughter which I miss with all my heart.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jaumeat 

Thanks - that's very helpful. 

I agree that living with someone's parents in a super negative, combative environment will gradually kill most marriages. 

If your wife is a typical wife (whatever that means  ), your odds of reconciliation will go way way up when you get a good job. 

When I was younger, given a choice between a low paying local job that meant I was home for dinner each night or a high paying job in a big city close enough for me to be home every weekend - I would take the big city job without hesitation. 

One big mistake was choosing to live with your in laws without first testing it out for a month or two to ensure it was a positive environment for you, your wife and child. This also means some very blunt conversations with your mother in law to determine if she is going to be supportive or toxic. 

Anyway - trying to fix this - before getting a good job - is actually going to hurt you more than help you. 




jaumeat said:


> Actually I like this question, its a very interesting one.
> 
> We are from 2 different countries in EU. First we lived in my country where I had the job and we had our own flat, car and had enough money to travel. The problem is that she
> did not adapt, and wanted to move to her country. So I sold the car, rent the apartment and got an unpayed permission from work. So I had around 100k dollars saved.
> ...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

jaumeat said:


> Exactly, I have only been caring, giving all the attention she needed and when she wanted, and of course never forced or had sex when she did not want to. She even said it, I am the perfect husband and father, and she wishes that she had those feelings for me, because it would make everything much easier.


When I was about 19 I met an amazing example of manhood. Tall, handsome, intelligent, charming, built like a gladiator. We skipped away from the party to spend time alone. We kissed and... nothing. I was simply not chemically compatible with him. It's happened since, here and there. Meet a guy who is perfect except there isn't any real attraction there. Nothing to be done about it except to accept what is.


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

MEM2020 said:


> Jaumeat
> 
> Thanks - that's very helpful.
> 
> ...


I had a very good job in my country, unfortunately she did not adapt. Now I have recovered my job and have a good status again, but she is very negative about coming here after her mother poisoned her mind with "your life is going to be miserable living there, better stay here single with a baby and no job" lmao


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> When I was about 19 I met an amazing example of manhood. Tall, handsome, intelligent, charming, built like a gladiator. We skipped away from the party to spend time alone. We kissed and... nothing. I was simply not chemically compatible with him. It's happened since, here and there. Meet a guy who is perfect except there isn't any real attraction there. Nothing to be done about it except to accept what is.


I know what you mean, and this is exactly the way she is selling it. 
But well I can tell you that I remember the way she was looking at me when we were eating out at restaurants. She looked at me like if she was undressing me with her eyes.

I have found an interesting article about how stress can kill your love life. And I can tell you that without much money, living with parents in law and with a baby that did not sleep much, stress is something that we did not lack of


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

jaumeat said:


> I know what you mean, and this is exactly the way she is selling it.
> But well I can tell you that I remember the way she was looking at me when we were eating out at restaurants. She looked at me like if she was undressing me with her eyes.
> 
> I have found an interesting article about how stress can kill your love life. And I can tell you that without much money, living with parents in law and with a baby that did not sleep much, stress is something that we did not lack of


You must understand that, for far too many women, the emotional attachment is what has been emphasised all their lives. Find a pleasing prince who is your best friend. Marry. Be happy. Physical attraction and sexual compatibility are often never mentioned or very much downplayed. All you need us love, right?

When we're under 25 we think primarily with the amagdala, the part of the brain that is emotion based. Somewhere around 25, the brain has formed new connections and we begin thinking with the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that is more logical.

You had an immature inexperienced girl who thought she felt the way she was supposed to feel. Now you're dealing with an adult woman who has figured out what's missing.

Certainly, stress can kill a sex life. Stress can also bring uncomfortable truths to the surface.


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> You must understand that, for far too many women, the emotional attachment is what has been emphasised all their lives. Find a pleasing prince who is your best friend. Marry. Be happy. Physical attraction and sexual compatibility are often never mentioned or very much downplayed. All you need us love, right?
> 
> When we're under 25 we think primarily with the amagdala, the part of the brain that is emotion based. Somewhere around 25, the brain has formed new connections and we begin thinking with the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that is more logical.
> 
> ...


What you say makes sense, but Im pretty sure that her mother and sister focusing on little flaws and saying that I brainwash her, can create resentment. Especially if you are already sad bc of all the job negatives and tight money.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

jaumeat said:


> What you say makes sense, but Im pretty sure that her mother and sister focusing on little flaws and saying that I brainwash her, can create resentment. Especially if you are already sad bc of all the job negatives and tight money.
> 
> Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


Certainly. The thing you seem to be missing is that physical attraction has nothing to do with any of this. It is a completely separate thing. Warm feelings don't change that. Neither do cold feelings. Physical attraction either is or is not. However, warm feelings may make a woman more willing to overlook her lack of attraction in favor of other benefits in the relationship such as affection, stability, etc.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

This marriage is *doomed*. Pull it off life support, already.

You live in TWO separate countries, *neither* of you willing to settle in the other's country of choice. So you're basically trying to conduct a long distance marriage and you've pretty much deserted your kid in the process. In short, that's exactly what you did. You can sugarcoat it all you want, but it's the truth.

And now it's gotten to the point where she's found another love interest and is no longer willing to pretend that this ridiculous situation is worth saving. Did you honestly think that you were just going to have some empty long-distance marriage from two different countries for the next 20 or 30 years? Come on.

She's moved on and whether you want to believe it or not, there's someone *else* involved. Let her go. Why waste more time trying to save something you don't even have?


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> This marriage is *doomed*. Pull it off life support, already.
> 
> You live in TWO separate countries, *neither* of you willing to settle in the other's country of choice. So you're basically trying to conduct a long distance marriage and you've pretty much deserted your kid in the process. In short, that's exactly what you did. You can sugarcoat it all you want, but it's the truth.
> 
> ...


No, I did not abandon anyone. The plan that all the family were coming back to my country bc we had the job and the apartment. She even agreed on this. But she had to finish her temporal job which was due by the end of june. So I went to start work and get everything ready. On week after I left she said that she was not coming and wanted the separation. You bet what her family did that week.

2 days later she gave me the news, her mother was trying to hook her up with someone lol.

So now Im back to my country and feel cheated bc my family did not follow as we planned together.

So its really unfair to say that I abandoned her. The Idea was to apply for jobs from my country since now Im am done with her language....

Now was supposed to things work better but they are doomed as you said.

I know for certain that there is no OM tho.

Now I took control of my life, I only contact her to see​ my daughter. Work, work out, going out with my friends and even new friends from work. Atm if she wants to try fix this I can listen, but if not I am fine. Just wish I could spend time with my daughter. She is too small and Im not even allowed to pick her up for the summer.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

jaumeat said:


> No, I did not abandon anyone. The plan that all the family were coming back to my country bc we had the job and the apartment. She even agreed on this. But she had to finish her temporal job which was due by the end of june. So I went to start work and get everything ready. On week after I left she said that she was not coming and wanted the separation. You bet what her family did that week.
> 
> 2 days later she gave me the news, her mother was trying to hook her up with someone lol.
> 
> ...


I very much suspect she (and possibly her family) planned this. If she wanted you to leave and outright told you so, well, you could put up a fuss and make things difficult. Far easier to send you back to your home country with a plan to reunite and then tell you the truth after you're already gone. I suspect the betrayal goes further than you know. I'm sorry you've been hurt. I think you should concentrate on getting a divorce and securing time with your child. I'm not familiar with divorce and custody laws in the EU, but I think it is a universal truth that a parent should have their parental rights and access to their child signed and sealed by the courts.

How far apart are you from your child? Is it reasonable to make the journey to see her regularly or is she too far away to visit more than a few times a year? Are you able to talk to her via Skype or FaceTime daily or at least a few times a week? Being as involved as possible is very important.


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> I very much suspect she (and possibly her family) planned this. If she wanted you to leave and outright told you so, well, you could put up a fuss and make things difficult. Far easier to send you back to your home country with a plan to reunite and then tell you the truth after you're already gone. I suspect the betrayal goes further than you know. I'm sorry you've been hurt. I think you should concentrate on getting a divorce and securing time with your child. I'm not familiar with divorce and custody laws in the EU, but I think it is a universal truth that a parent should have their parental rights and access to their child signed and sealed by the courts.
> 
> How far apart are you from your child? Is it reasonable to make the journey to see her regularly or is she too far away to visit more than a few times a year? Are you able to talk to her via Skype or FaceTime daily or at least a few times a week? Being as involved as possible is very important.


Yes, I am pretty sure it was planned, in fact I was still waiting an answer to a job I have applied, and the next day I got the negative, she was cold and I asked what was wrong. Then she told me the news. She said that if I got the job, she would have given it a try to our relationship on the ideal situation of having our own place and a job in her home country.

About the rights here are the same for both parents, visiting for me is going to be very difficult, we live 5000 km away. Counting the flight time and the waits at the airport, bus, etc, takes almost the a whole day to get there. On top of that our child its only 3, so she is too young for me to take her for the summer, she would miss her mother too much that would not be good for her.
I asked my wife to come here the summer (she doesn't work anyway) and that I would pay for the trip and she can stay in our flat, no problem. She said that has to think about it. She said that she is afraid that if she comes here mostly sure she will be happy and want to stay with me, for later maybe feel like she is now again. In my eyes looks like if she still feels for me, and she is pushing it to try to forget me and kill her feelings.

About the camera, yes, I can see her on the camera almost every day, which helps a bit. My daughter tells me that she misses me and wants to cuddle with me, and it destroys me that I cannot be with her.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

jaumeat said:


> Actually I like this question, its a very interesting one.
> 
> We are from 2 different countries in EU. First we lived in my country where I had the job and we had our own flat, car and had enough money to travel. The problem is that she
> did not adapt, and wanted to move to her country. So I sold the car, rent the apartment and got an unpayed permission from work. So I had around 100k dollars saved.
> ...


Why did you go there?

Financial security is a basic need for women.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Certainly. The thing you seem to be missing is that physical attraction has nothing to do with any of this. It is a completely separate thing. Warm feelings don't change that. Neither do cold feelings. Physical attraction either is or is not. However, warm feelings may make a woman more willing to overlook her lack of attraction in favor of other benefits in the relationship such as affection, stability, etc.


There are ways to make yourself more attractive. Living with her parents isn't one of them.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

jaumeat said:


> Yeah, I told her, to come and have counseling, what is invest one month of your life and fail compared to not try and regretting losing the best thing that happened to you forever. To that she answered that she is going to think about that, but first she wants to go to the psychologist to sort herself out, which is also in my best interest, she added.


One month is not going to fix ANYTHING, but the counselors bank account.


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> Why did you go there?
> 
> Financial security is a basic need for women.


I went there bc she did not want to live here anymore. She got there a part time job and I went to the university to study the language and culture. While applying for IT jobs. But without knowing the language yet, especially writing was a huge barrier to the professional market.

I knew was not a good idea but she begged for me to go there.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

I got some more information. Today I talked to her and she expressed resentment like if in a way hates me, but at the same time dont. The reason is that she feels I took her for granted and did not help enough in the housework. 
And she thinks that it for the last year removed made her fall out of love.
I said I was terribly sorry and that my excuse is that I was terribly depressed there. I missed working in a good job and provide, winter was also very dark and sad. I could not function properly, barely could concentrate at the university nor had barely energy to do language homework. I was tired and depressed the whole time. 
Now that Im back at my country and got my job back and swim, I feel with much more energy and not depressed, and this is having my family in the other side of Europe, thats the only thing thst saddens me.

I really hope that with some time her resentment disappears and that her love for me which should be buried somewhere comes back. 

Anyone has experience with something like this? Is there any way back from this?

Thank you!

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Best thing you can do is continue to look amazing, do amazing things, do great at work, still work on learning her language, see your kids every moment you can, avoid any anger - let her see you moving on. You will look more attractive.


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

turnera said:


> Best thing you can do is continue to look amazing, do amazing things, do great at work, still work on learning her language, see your kids every moment you can, avoid any anger - let her see you moving on. You will look more attractive.


Mhm  Thats exactly what Im doing. We had a nice talk too, she says that I'm her best friend and the person that trusts me the most. Just that as sad as it is her love feelings are completely gone.

Matter of see what time offers, I guess.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

jaumeat said:


> Nooo she is not that bad, what she asked is for a legal separation, which is a requirement to file a divorce. Once we sign the separation papers we both are free to do whatever we want.
> 
> I also know for a fact that she is not dating anyone, I even had always access to her phone, mails etc. She was even encouraging to look at it.
> 
> ...


She is not bad? She suddenly tells YOU that she doesn't want to BE WITH YOU anymore. No more sex with her. She may have another phone... but she is far more likely already having sex with other guys and/or planning to have sex with OTHER GUYS!

It will take you over a year or two to recover before you'll feel like dating or able to do so... meanwhile, she *IS ALREADY* living the single life - getting drunk with friends and getting sex from other people. her phone can have content removed.

Divorce her. If you can, take your child back to your country and file for divorce there. THat too, is a crappy thing to do. Either way, she's already gone.
I and others have been through this crap "I love you, but I am not IN LOVE WITH YOU" = she doesn't WANT YOU. She is already getting laid.

Here *IS* how that game works. Lets say you both file legal separation in a few days. Suddenly, she's dating. Maybe in a few weeks, she *HAS A NEW* boyfriend. Its okay, because you both were divorcing anyway. But in fact, her boyfriend was already there. Buy separating - she doesn't get shamed for cheating on you... first. 

My wife tried that game, other wives (and husbands) have also done this. YOU CANNOT NICE HER BACK.

The age difference is junk. A 10 year difference is not that much of a deal. I'm about 15 years older than my wife at 46 years old and I am still in pretty good shape. We do pretty well for a couple today.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I've gone through this whole thread.

Nothing you've said has shown that she is NOT having sex / partying with others. It costs almost nothing to go to a friends place to drink and be social.
I and everyone here is NOT being mean to you to make you feel bad. We're not out to hurt your or make fun of you. We are telling you what is likely going on.
We've heard YOU story before. They heard MY story before.

My wife was "confused" when the affair had started. Marriages have been destroyed by 7 day old affairs. Another problem is that both of you seem to NOT want / or unable to make it work in the others home country. That is too bad. IF she wants to save her family - she has to move to where you are. The guy SHE feel in love with - was the version of you that was working and happy. Not an out-of-work guy that is depressed.

Also, since she is ENJOYING her freedom from you - she also knows that going OUT to you, might make her stay. She wants both. My wife got pulled into an affair by having fun with other young SINGLES.

People cheat on their spouse when they are a KM away. You are 5000KM away - yeah, you have NO idea what she is doing or has been. Her parents can watch the kid while she goes out and dated. Her mom will be happy for her daughter and grand-daughter staying LOCAL to her. She is also your enemy.

Sorry you don't have any easy solutions. Too bad you have a kid together - and you live so far away.

The other reason they DON'T tell you they are cheating? Is so they don't "hurt your feelings" - while they are stabbing you in the heart. 
If she was living with you - you'd have a chance. But with such extreme distance - its not realistic.

Get therapy and start looking for a local new women to meet. PS: That is also more likely to cause your wife to want you back...
Sorry.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Psychologically, I think many, if not most, women go through an 'awakening' in their 30s or 40s. At 20, they're still emotionally dependent on men for safety, survival, reassurance, guidance, at least on some level. So being with a man is a great thing, and they often don't have too fine of a radar on what type of man is a good fit for them. Just like many 20-year-old men choose a smoking hot girl because they think it gives them status and it makes them feel good about themselves.

As they get older, they start to learn that they can protect themselves, make their own decisions, buy an alarm system for protection, that kind of thing. So what initially attracted them to their men may fade in importance. And their desires/needs change in terms of what they're looking for.

And yes, many women (and men) who age into their 30s or 40s, now that they're more stable and don't need a partner, start to wonder why they threw away their 'youth' on one person when they could have been out partying. Of course, in a great relationship with two stable people, the couple figures out how to mix this into their marriage. Unfortunately, some don't. Some lack the character or upbringing or mental health to fix things the right way. 

The key if you want to stay together is figuring out what she wants NOW, and seeing if you're that man. Sometimes you just aren't. Sometimes you are.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

jaumeat said:


> Actually I like this question, its a very interesting one.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




And you ALLOWED her mother to yell at her about what YOU, your wife and daughter were doing???


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

I have a question for the posters here. 

If he left the country, even if it was for work, can she file abandonment if she wanted to?

Just asking. 


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

dianaelaine59 said:


> And you ALLOWED her mother to yell at her about what YOU, your wife and daughter were doing???
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I did not know about it, until the very end. If not I would have been gone from there long ago. In fact my wife wanted to come back by february, but since I was almost done at the university we decided to wait until june. I regret big time now.


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

TaDor said:


> I've gone through this whole thread.
> 
> Nothing you've said has shown that she is NOT having sex / partying with others. It costs almost nothing to go to a friends place to drink and be social.
> I and everyone here is NOT being mean to you to make you feel bad. We're not out to hurt your or make fun of you. We are telling you what is likely going on.
> ...


I know what you mean, and probably in most cases is another man. But I know that this is not the case, its more the conditions we were living and her toxic mother/sister.
I hope that she just needs time, at this moment seems that what she wants is to be able to stand by her own feet without the need of a man. Probably a mid-life crisis as someone was suggesting.

At this point whatever happens I will be fine, either with her or with another woman. OFC I prefer her. The worse is my daughter, that I feel I lost her.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

jaumeat said:


> I know what you mean, and probably in most cases is another man. But I know that this is not the case, its more the conditions we were living and her toxic mother/sister.
> I hope that she just needs time, at this moment seems that what she wants is to be able to stand by her own feet without the need of a man. Probably a mid-life crisis as someone was suggesting.
> 
> At this point whatever happens I will be fine, either with her or with another woman. OFC I prefer her. The worse is my daughter, that I feel I lost her.


Okay. 3~6 months from now, see if her story holds true. 

The "conditions of toxic mom/sis" type situations *DO* lead to infidelity. My own mom was and is a toxic element to my marriage.
The rest of your response - sounds to me, and likely to many others here, what we call in the USA "a load of ****". She tell you this? Yeah, my wife went thru a bit of mid-life crisis at 30yrs old, getting her box stuffed by a 21yr boy. She moved out and spent a few weeks living like a 20yr college girl a few times. Not as a mother. It took a lot on her part and mine for her to see the pain she was doing to both of us. Hell, I wish *I* could go out and party like a 21yr old again myself! But I can't. I'm a father with a household and bills. Hangovers are too painful and not worth it anymore. They get worse with age. But your wife, she is still in her 20s and her sis and mom and helping HER get LAID by local MEN so she will STAY in their country. People do this kind of things. Even to my wife... some of her friends had their own motives. That *I* took her away from them. Or my mom thinking she took me away from her.

Separation is the process towards DIVORCE. It's to "disconnect" from each other. Hence, 80% of separations = divorce. She'll get all the penises she wants (She already said she wants to SEE OTHER MEN) and you'll get to have local vagina, once your heart starts to heal. You'll both move on from each other. It is what she wants. The distance of 5000KM (2000+miles) is not a relationship builder. 

When you are single, you don't "need a man". You just want the drinking, fun and no-strings attached sex. (NSA)

Looks like you are already thinking about other women "I'll be fine". The important reason to know about the affair and WHO he/they are - is so that YOU know who your enemies are. Who broke your family and hurt your kid. Afterall you didn't know your family was broken until you flew back to another country. That's a crappy thing to do to someone... that "you love".


Good luck!


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

TaDor said:


> Okay. 3~6 months from now, see if her story holds true.
> 
> The "conditions of toxic mom/sis" type situations *DO* lead to infidelity. My own mom was and is a toxic element to my marriage.
> The rest of your response - sounds to me, and likely to many others here, what we call in the USA "a load of ****". She tell you this? Yeah, my wife went thru a bit of mid-life crisis at 30yrs old, getting her box stuffed by a 21yr boy. She moved out and spent a few weeks living like a 20yr college girl a few times. Not as a mother. It took a lot on her part and mine for her to see the pain she was doing to both of us. Hell, I wish *I* could go out and party like a 21yr old again myself! But I can't. I'm a father with a household and bills. Hangovers are too painful and not worth it anymore. They get worse with age. But your wife, she is still in her 20s and her sis and mom and helping HER get LAID by local MEN so she will STAY in their country. People do this kind of things. Even to my wife... some of her friends had their own motives. That *I* took her away from them. Or my mom thinking she took me away from her.
> ...


Well actually she said that she is not interested in any relationship now, and she is not the type of girl of one night stands, she needs love to go to the next base. That I know, but the rest of what you said holds true. Every day that passes by I want less her back, she is making a huge mistake by doing this, I'm probably the best thing that ever happened to her. No one treated her, supported her and listened to her like I did. She had been like a princess, and one year with problems "i dont love you anymore" which makes me think she never really did.

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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

jaumeat said:


> Well actually she said that she is not interested in any relationship now, and she is not the type of girl of one night stands, she needs love to go to the next base. That I know, but the rest of what you said holds true. Every day that passes by I want less her back, she is making a huge mistake by doing this, I'm probably the best thing that ever happened to her.


Many cheaters have left their marriages to someone who was the best thing in their lives. People do stupid things.

You said this in your first post _*"But she said that she is still very young, and wants to find a partner for who feels an amazing sexual chemistry"*_ and _*"So for now she wants the separation, and be able to stand on her feet, and she really hopes that we can be best friends as we always had been."*_ and _*" and tells me that she is enjoying her single life that she likes to get attention from other guys and that she has plans with her girlfriends of having fun travelling together and such."*_

Define how long is "not interested now"? 2 days, 2 weeks? You didn't know your wife enough to know she was going to pull this garbage on you until AFTER your left the country. The time frame of when she wants someone to have sex with her doesn't matter - she told you; "NOT YOU". That SHE wants to be in a relationship with someone else - "NOT YOU". She's had 2 years in her OWN country to get on her FEET for YOUR FAMILY unit. She is letting you down "softly" - by giving you false home, time and distance for you to not care about her. 

You know what single life is? Getting laid. No strings sex. parties, getting drunk and not being a wife.
That is what you do when you are single and hanging out with other young singles.... what do you think she is going to do with her girlfriends - traveling together? And "get attention from other guys" - NOT YOU.

Look at your legal status and protections of being a father with a child so far away. I'm sorry you are in such a mess. Its bad enough in the same city, worse in different parts in a same country. You'll need to have international rights to your daughter. Like one year ON and one year OFF, etc... she's always going to be missing one of you - because of your selfish wife.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What kills me is the ignorant people who think you will always feel the 'high' that the PEA (lust) chemicals make you feel - for the first 2 or 3 years of any relationship. And who then go on to destroy the good thing they DO have in search of that high again. Whereas if they'd just educated themselves a little, they'd KNOW that that high is only temporary and only REAL love is worth pursuing and nurturing.


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

TaDor said:


> Many cheaters have left their marriages to someone who was the best thing in their lives. People do stupid things.
> 
> You said this in your first post _*"But she said that she is still very young, and wants to find a partner for who feels an amazing sexual chemistry"*_ and _*"So for now she wants the separation, and be able to stand on her feet, and she really hopes that we can be best friends as we always had been."*_ and _*" and tells me that she is enjoying her single life that she likes to get attention from other guys and that she has plans with her girlfriends of having fun travelling together and such."*_
> 
> ...


Unfortunately not many rights since she is too young and attached to the mother. So if I want to see her I have yo travel there. When she is 7+ things may be different, but I fear that she wont want to come, her closest will be there I will just be a distant shadow.

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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

turnera said:


> What kills me is the ignorant people who think you will always feel the 'high' that the PEA (lust) chemicals make you feel - for the first 2 or 3 years of any relationship. And who then go on to destroy the good thing they DO have in search of that high again. Whereas if they'd just educated themselves a little, they'd KNOW that that high is only temporary and only REAL love is worth pursuing and nurturing.


Totally agree, and I told her. She just says I know butterflies ends, I just guess she lost her feelings or they are buried somewhere.

Actually she is starting to a psychologist. She admitted that there is something wrong with her, with trust issues and that everyone is there to get her. She even has problems trusting me sometimes, and in 10 years I did nothing to break it.

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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

jaumeat said:


> Well actually she said that she is not interested in any relationship now, and she is not the type of girl of one night stands, she needs love to go to the next base.


No significant other is, until they are "the type."


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Yeah, that is the worst thing. You lose your bond with your child. 
Since you are working in your country, you'll need to hire a lawyer in her country to make a divorce / family plan that allows you to legally remove the child for summer visits. 
And at this age, at least a visitation with the mother (She perhaps stays in a hotel) until she is about 5yrs+ old.

The other option is ugly, you somehow do the legal battle in your country. But by "kidnapping" your own kid to your country - you'll put yourself in a legal advantage by having to deal with local court system - BUT you'll all look like a jerk / bad guy by doing so. My guess, your wife (with help from mom and friends) planned this, because it would be different if you stayed OR if your wife and child came to your country and then she wanted to break up. She'll likely KNOW that if she came to visit YOU without court orders on the child - that you would then be able to prevent her from leaving with the child.

And since you cannot get a well paying job in HER country, you cannot afford legal protections or home to live in.

Child custody is always a nightmare... your situation is far worse.

You may just have to play "NICE" - hopefully the laws in her country will give you something. As long as both of your countries have extradition treaties in place and you both don't live in some sort tiny village - then the police /court will prevent kidnapping. Well - not actually prevent it, but would mean someone goes to jail.

We don't know what countries you are talking about. But some parents have taken their kids out of western countries to the middle-east, where the govt. there will not help or care about child custody orders.

Everyone loses.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

jaumeat said:


> I got some more information. Today I talked to her and she expressed resentment like if in a way hates me, but at the same time dont. The reason is that she feels I took her for granted and did not help enough in the housework.
> And she thinks that it for the last year removed made her fall out of love.
> I said I was terribly sorry and that my excuse is that I was terribly depressed there. I missed working in a good job and provide, winter was also very dark and sad. I could not function properly, barely could concentrate at the university nor had barely energy to do language homework. I was tired and depressed the whole time.
> Now that Im back at my country and got my job back and swim, I feel with much more energy and not depressed, and this is having my family in the other side of Europe, thats the only thing thst saddens me.
> ...


No man ever attracted women by how well they pushed a vacuum.

Don't listen to the BS coming out of her mouth, watch what she does.


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