# Crying spells



## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

My husband left me three days ago. I have had to see him twice over the weekend so that he could pick up our son. Each time, I have burst into tears as he was leaving and he just walked out the door without saying anything. I know I have to stop doing this, but I'm just in so much pain and I don't want this at all. How can I work on keeping my emotions in check when I have to see him? I want him to miss me as much as I am missing him.


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## dwaynewilliams (Feb 1, 2010)

specialplace said:


> My husband left me three days ago. I have had to see him twice over the weekend so that he could pick up our son. Each time, I have burst into tears as he was leaving and he just walked out the door without saying anything. I know I have to stop doing this, but I'm just in so much pain and I don't want this at all. How can I work on keeping my emotions in check when I have to see him? I want him to miss me as much as I am missing him.


What happened?


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## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

He told me about six months ago that he doesn't want to be married any more. He says that I am too controlling and he wants to be able to go out and do what he wants to do without always having to fight with me about it. I tried very hard during that six months to give him more space, while at the same time trying to show him that it was still important to spend some time with me and making our marriage a priority. Obviously that didn't work because he informed me last week that he decided that he was done. He is staying with family.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Hi Special. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Sounds like you know that bursting into tears isn't accomplishing anything. The fact is, it makes you look needy and weak, which will only push him farther away. Not only that, but it must be hard on your son to see you like that. You need to present yourself as a strong person. Search this forum for the 180. (I would make a link for you, but I don't know how.) Those guidelines will help you to work on yourself. They are not intended as means to get your husband back, but to help you be the best you can.

Until you get stronger, I find it helpful to leave the room before my husband leaves. Say goodbye to your son, then go to another part of the house. That way you don't have to see him leave and he won't see you cry. 

I know it hurts. It will for a long time. But you are in the right place. You will get lots of support and good advice here.


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

I agree that you should try your hardest not to cry in front of your husband or son. If you can hold off until they leave it will make you appear stronger as suggested above.

But don't hold back the tears when you are by yourself. Cry a river if you need to. There is a reason we cry and holding it in will make things worse. In the early stages you will cry often but it does get better - for some people it gets better in a matter of days but for others it can take months. You cannot but a time frame on grief - everyone is different. Just try and keep yourself busy - go out for a walk in the fresh air even it it feels like the last thing you want to do. Exercise gets the endorphins going and can be a great way to escape even for a short time. Get yourself to a counselor as this can help a lot. If it is all too overwhelming - a doctor may be able to prescribe some meds.

All the best with it. It is a tough road but you are among friends here.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

How old is your son..

My kids are 12 & 8 and I made us meet at a park and I parked at opposite ends of the parking lot to keep us apart and had the kids run between cars..

It was very good for my heart to do it this way.


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## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

My son is 12 so that would be fine, I think. 

I am really, really having a hard time. I want to talk to him so bad, not just about this, but everything. I want to tell him how my day was and ask him about his. I want to see him! This is so hard. I made the mistake of telling him on the phone yesterday how much I missed him and he didn't say anything back. I asked him if he missed me and he said no because of all the bad times we have had lately. It broke my heart.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Don't tell him anything.. he doesn't respond because he doesn't have to. I told mine a few weeks ago that I missed her and she said she didn't miss me. I would have been better off not asking then to get that kinda answer back.. See what I'm saying?

He needs to feel that you aren't there.. that you aren't gonna be sitting there crying waiting for him. Take the ball out of your court and put it back in his. Make him do all the thinking.

Don't say anything else to him unless it is absolutely necessary. You don't need to hear his negative answers. He needs to know that if he is gonna check out.. so are you.


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## zebulona (Aug 15, 2012)

I would meditate and say positive things about yourself and calm your mind. Once the son is going to his dad turn away and take a deep breath and try to relax. That's what I do. I had a full blown panic attack in my car once and the meditation cleared up my anxiety.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I park at the other end of the parking lot so I only have to squint to see her. It saves me the grief..


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I've been struggling with emotionality too. Just keep trying to stay calm in front of him and your son. It will get better and easier to do. I didn't appear angry or sad in front of him yesterday, and kept a brave face for our son all day but once my son was in bed, I cried.... hard. Then posted here. 

I also felt very, very weak. Although logically, I don't want my H back right now, I felt vulnerable and weak last night and almost tempted to call and tell him he can come back (he really doesn't deserve that - nor would it give him any reason to change). I'm glad I refrained from doing so because he needs to change or we need to break up for good - either way, this relationship isn't healthy for me.

I think every time you cry and get weak but make it through it, you come out a little stronger each time. Just take it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. It's an emotional roller coaster and even if it doesn't feel like it (it doesn't always for me) you will get through this whether you reconcile or not.

Come up with strategies like the parking lot/kid swap idea that will keep you two apart as much as possible. Right now is not the time to tell him all about your feelings or beg for him to come back. It will only drive him further away from you and make him feel more vindicated for leaving. 

If when you do feel needy/like you need to talk to him about this, post here or call a friend/family member instead or even write him a letter that you do not send. I am doing the 180, mind you I'm not yet a week in but I am finding it helpful so far in helping me to heal/detach.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

specialplace said:


> My son is 12 so that would be fine, I think.
> 
> I am really, really having a hard time. I want to talk to him so bad, not just about this, but everything. I want to tell him how my day was and ask him about his. I want to see him! This is so hard. I made the mistake of telling him on the phone yesterday how much I missed him and he didn't say anything back. I asked him if he missed me and he said no because of all the bad times we have had lately. It broke my heart.


And your heart will continue to get broken if you keep pursuing him. You have received some good advice here. Keep following it and it will get better. It will take time, but it will.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Perhaps a 180 is in order here as soon as she has the emotional strength to do it.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Have him wait outside/in the car and send your son out - he;s old enough at 12

I have the same trouble, further on than you but mine still waltzes back in like he still lives here. Its really hard, the boys want to show him stuff - new console games and stuff - once he's over the doorstep its hard then to get rid without upsetting the boys. 

I just head off to other rooms - I don't want him to see he affects me and you need to put the best show of indifference that you can muster. 

I know you want to scream at him for validation but it really doesn't help (although it does get mine out the door quicker if thats what you want)


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

If the kids is twelve i would suggest doing the same as I did... meet at public sport and have the child run between vehicles...

Trust me... it is much easier..


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