# Need men's (and women's) feedback



## seekinganswer (Sep 3, 2009)

First off, I would like to apologize if this is kind of long but here's what I want men's (and women's) opinion about... So, today being Good Friday, we were let out of work earlier than usual. While on my way home, my husband called to ask where our son's karate uniforms were (he was taking him to karate class) and hanged up when he got the answer. I came home with them still in karate class. He called again to ask me where I was and I said home. He said, we will meet you there and hanged up. They came home and told me to change our son in his regular clothes because were going out to eat dinner (we have talked about going out to eat this weekend beforehand but have not scheduled when). Well, I just ate while waiting for them because I didn't have lunch at work. So, the conversation went like this:
Me: But I just ate. I was hungry when I got home. You should have told me of your plans when you called the first time.
Him: (Sounding annoyed) But we already talked about going out to dinner this weekend! You wanted me to do the yardwork and I have to do schoolwork so I wanted to go out to eat tonight! That way, my Saturday and Sunday are free for other things that I need to do!
Me: Well, another thing is, it is Good Friday and I am supposed to take it slow today (I am Catholic). Let's go out on Easter Sunday when it is just perfect to celebrate.
Him: (Still annoyed) I do not do such things in my religion (he's Protestant)! You always change your schedule and that leaves me not being able to plan anything!
Me: I'm sorry but I did not know that they are letting us early today at work either, so don't blame me! We can still go out. You and our son can eat but I am not. Again, you should have told me of your plans the first time you called me when I was on my way home. That way, I should have waited for you and not eat yet.
Him: And now it's my fault?
Me: It's nobody's fault. You failed to tell me of your plan and I failed to tell you that I was coming home early and that I was hungry and plan on eating dinner as soon as I get home!
Him: I do not want to stay home tonight! You need to stick to your schedule. You know that we were planning to go out this weekend for dinner. You know I need to do yardwork and schoolwork. Now my plan is ruined! (And he went on and on saying the same things but in different ways!) SO I got really really mad and bended in front of him like a servant saying I am sorry and kissed his foot. And then went on to speak to myself like a crazy woman saying things such as: "You, seekinganswer, you are a bad wife! You need to tell your husband when there is a change in your schedule, all the time! You need to tell him if you are hungry and that you are eating. You are a dumb woman! Your body and brain fail you to please your husband. You need to learn! One of these days, I am going to kill you, seekinganswer, because your husband's life would be a lot better without you.: And then due to great frustration, I started hitting myself in the head. And when I have done so several times, I asked him to do the same thing -- hit this dumb woman! And all these happened in front of our young son. Now I feel guilty doing this infront of him.


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## Shwagulous (Mar 12, 2012)

Other than how you are describing you and your hubby in this story, is this common? Meaning, does he get upset if the "schedule" is not followed? I am pretty fluid with schedules, but my wife is not. She likes to know who, what, when, where on most days. I think it drives her nuts when I just plain don't have any "plans" on the weekends. We have had miscommunication in the past about similar things, but since I am the more easy going one, I tend not to get that bent out of shape unless something is done on purpose to screw up a schedule. This particular case doesn't sound like anyone really is at fault. I really like that you still offered to go out as a family. Isn't that really the important part anyway? Who cares if you are actually shoveling food into your mouth? It only matters that you are all together as a family. 

Also, if my wife did what you did, I would laugh myself silly along with her, and that pretty much would have defused the situation, and we would have ended up hugging and kissing.... but probably both secretly miffed at the other. Those emotions are on their way out by then though. Did you mean your little performance as a joke of some sort to lower the tension, or were you mocking him, or what? If my wife is generally mocking me, I get pretty testy. If she is teasing me, or when I tease her about things like this, it just ends up with us laughing. Give us more info on what you and your DH are like with similar situations.


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## seekinganswer (Sep 3, 2009)

That thing that I did was really serious. He called it "my drama" but he know it was my way of getting my point across. I already said I am sorry and it was nobody's fault and ke kept on saying it was my fault. And he never stopped saying that over and over again (like I said, in different ways) so the only thing that stopped him was I did what I did. I mean, it's a mental torture to listen to somebody blaming you for something beyond your control! He hates it whenever I change schedule which are ALL unintentional). I work from home every Wednesday. However, sometimes, I would switch my telecommute to other days for a reason (e.g., meeting at work on Wednesday, doctors appointment, etc.) Sometimes, I would telecommute on unscheduled days because I had to stay up very late working the night before (I have a very stressful job and almost always, have to bring work home). This change in schedule drives him crazy and has been a source of big fights! He works at night and he would normally go to bed as soon as me and our son leave at around 7:30am. If I work from home and our son and I sleep in, he said he doesn't want to go to bed at his normal time because he wanted to see his son awake before he goes to bed. And this, messes his sleep schedule up. In other words, he wanted me to wake up on time as if I was going to work (even though I stayed up to 4 o'clock that morning working) and wake our son up as well. This, I think is just being selfish and immature. I mean, I am the primary breadwinner. We need my job to live the way we live and he knows that. He is happy because I make good money but I do not get any support from him. I sacrifice a lot of my sleep because I wanted to do my job right but he is not willing to sacrifice even just an hour of his sleep!


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

I hear a lot of dissatisfaction here. I'd be willing to guess your husband is pretty dissatisfied too. When is the last time you two were alone for a private conversation and talked about your marriage?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Either he's really anal retentive about schedules or there's just ton of built up frustration coming out. To be honest though, he needs to take a chill pill and breathe.

I'd strongly recommend you ask him to write up the things he wants to see changed in the marriage and tell him you'll do the same. Swap write ups and discuss later after you've both had some time to think about things.

Sometimes it's easier to just spell it all out at once, and writing insures that you won't interrupt one another.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Sounds like stress. He acted irrationally but it's obviously not because you ate when you got home.


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