# Heading for a divorce feeling horrible...



## Lilly2013 (Apr 12, 2013)

Hello everyone. I am 25 and have been married to my husband for 5 years. During our first year of marriage, I found out he was texting/calling girls. I never found out if he really cheated but he betrayed my trust. We tried to go to counseling but that really didn't seem to help. We then moved to another town and I tried to move past and forgive him. Every once in a while I would get suspicious and ask him about it. We moved again 2 years ago and have settled pretty nicely in our new home.

We started making friends and things seemed to be going well. A few months ago we had an argument and he seemed to check out of the marriage. We started going to counseling again but strange things kept happening and I suspected he was cheating. I asked him several times and told him I didn't trust him with all the strange behavior. I felt like I was going crazy so I decided to look on our phone bill and discovered he has been calling/texting over 100+ a day with a girl. I have asked him several times why he was hiding his cell phone and being so distant, and every time he denied everything. My instincts were right. 

He claimed the girl was just a friend and he wasn't even attracted to her. I didn't understand why he would hide that from me, he claims he thought I would just get jealous. He also texted 10+ pictures a day to her, but I couldn't see why they were. I felt very betrayed once again. All of this was happening while we were going to counseling. My counselor and I knew he wasn't fully invested in the counseling and something strange was up. 

We had our last session on Thursday where he said we need a divorce and that I could never get over this time. I agreed but feel so awful right now. We spent that night alone. The next day we sat down and he said he would give the weekend to make a final decision and he wouldn't talk to this girl. I'm not sure if he was testing me or something but I did check and once again he was texting her all night. He claimed he was telling her they couldn't talk this weekend because I was upset. When he found out I looked again he announced he wanted a divorce for good. 

I have no family where we moved and I had let my job know we were having marriage issues. They offered to relocate me where my family was so I went ahead and started planning. I sat down one last time and told him I didn't want a divorce but he needed to stop talking to her. He said since she was just a friend, he didn't need to stop.
I moved on with my plans and I'm moving out Thursday. 

I feel like a tried so hard to save the marriage but he gave up months ago and stepped out on me once again. It's like he did it on purpose to end the marriage. 

The past few days have been the worst days of my life. I still love him very much but it's clear he has moved on and no longer wants me. I feel like I am grieving a death of a spouse. I can't sleep, eat, or function right now and he seems fine! I have 4 days to pack all my stuff and sort out the bills before I leave. I am very overwhelmed and can't get myself to start packing.

The whole time he was here in the same house. I asked him to leave and keep himself busy during the day because I just can't be around him right now. He got mad about that.

My whole family thinks I am making the right decision and says he's probably cheating with this girl. I kind of believe them as well. 

I am so angry that I have to go through all this pain with no one while he has a new girl to talk to.

I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now and feel so lost. I haven't called or texted him and keep getting the urge to do so. This is going to be very difficult road ahead and I am very scared for my future. I just feel sick thinking about loosing my best fried and everything that we've been through together but I don't think there is a chance to fix things. I am leaving and he already wants to go to a lawyer. I told him that it was a bit fast and replied " your the one who's leaving so quickly". I'm only leaving because I can't live with someone who wants a divorce 

Any advise or stories to help me get through?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

When my wife first left last July I had all the same feelings. I would text her , try to call her and send her e-mails. What did that get me? Nothing.

You need to get back to your family and friends as soon as you can. You need to be surrounded by people who love you.

The hardest thing to get out of your head is : What is he doing? Now that we are apart is he seeing her, or worst yet.. sleeping with her?

Treat this as a death.. look up on Google about the grieving process and keep track on what stage your on.

Unfriend him from Facebook and twitter. You DON'T need to see what he is doing. My wife unfriended me before she left so I didn't have that as a problem.

Take pictures of him off your phone. You don't need to forget him, put the pictures an a DVD for days when you can deal with seeing his face without agony.

Change his name on your phone so there is no way you will call him by mistake. I changed Lisa's name to EXWIFE on my phone. 

Clear off his texts from your phone. Your new life is from here on so start it from scratch. 

When he texts, e-mails or calls DO NOT respond for 4-5 hours. Take the time to think of your response. You DO NOT want him thinking that you are sitting by your phone crying and missing him.

Take down his pictures. Burn all your pictures of him onto a DVD and erase them from your computer. Your new life is from today on. Set your computer like that.

If you can't sleep try to find a sleeping aid. In the beginning I used a drink Neo-Citran that is used for colds. It makes you drowsy so you get some sleep. NO SLEEP MEAN BAD SADNESS.

If he wants to go to a lawyer let HIM be the one who is paying the money for the lawyer and to serve you. You have 30 days to respond in most places and I would say let it go to day 29 before even thinking of a response. During that time say NOTHING unless it has to do with a bill.

I guarantee that he will text you with thing like ... when are you gonna respond.... etc.

Let him think about what he is going to do. If he is this set on a divorce..let him think about his behaviour and DON'T feed the fire.

Communicate with your friends.. a great time to Skype with friends.


BY ALL MEAN CRY...get it out.. grab some tissues and have at it. You won't believe how much better a cry can do for you. 

My wife is on the second time of dumping me cause she just doesn't love me and we tried for 4 months to work on it.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

"Just a friend" my azz. Complete and utter BS. They ALL say they're just friends. Don't believe it, what are they going to say? Oh yeah her? "she's a woman I'm cheating with".

When the cellphone hiding, email/computer passwords, secrets and general sneakiness starts THEY ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR.

He could well have sabotaged the marriage so you would end it. Why you ask? If he's anything like my STBXH they don't believe they deserve to be loved. My ex has sabotaged every single relationship he has ever been in. Including his one and only marriage - to me.

As for him wanting a divorce.... he's in the affair fog right now. Oh yes the grass is so much greener over in the skank OW's lawn. She is SO appealing right now. FANTASY LAND. In a few mths when he finds out what she is really like he will be texting and calling you, telling you he misses you, loves you, made a mistake... yada.. yada. Rest assured affairs never expose reality. What I mean is its just a time of fantasy and excitement and doesn't come close to the security, friendship and familiarness of a long term relationship. Its the weak ones that allow the fantasy of banging some new person invade their marriage, and even weaker ones that act on those fantasies. 

Don't be anyone's plan B.

With that being said a cheater is a cheater they never change so - Cut him loose. Tell him you won't tolerate any cheating whatsover, there's no room in your marriage for anyone else and get him to move out. 

Don't ignore the red flags and don't ignore it wishing it will go away because it won't.

When you kick him out tell him he has to prove himself. Cut contact with him, do the 180. Give him 3 mths to prove himself and how much he wants his marriage instead of floozies on the side. If he doesn't, FILE FOR DIVORCE.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Sure he has someone in the background..but fighting back only makes him win? He WANTS her to fight for him so he feels like and BIG MAN..

I say .. don't give him that luxury and call his bluff with NC. He is either gonna pick her or the OW... she doesn't need to feed the fire.


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## Lilly2013 (Apr 12, 2013)

Thank everyone for the advise. I am moving out of state on Thursday and most likely one of us will file for divorce. 

I feel horrible and feel like I can't handle all the stress. I have no idea how I will get through this or if I even will.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you absolutely *will *get through this. 

Focus on yourself. Stop focusing on him. You are very young and have your entire life ahead of you. Be glad you found this out now instead of decades into your marriage.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Do not be afraid to talk to your doctor about your feeling too.. he might be able to help or suggest a good counselor.

I was a wreck for about 3 months before I started to even remotely feel better. I hope it doesn't take you as long.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I don't think anyone is going to sugar coat it for you here cause there are painful times ahead. You managed to find a group of friends here that will support you, criticize you, encourage you and advise you. 

You can do it. We know you can because so many here are living your crisis after 10, 15, 20+(me) years of marriage and are in our 30s, 40s and 50+. You have your whole life ahead of you and you will most likely come out of this a better more attractive and desirable person.

A friend told me, hold your head high, you did not break your promise to your spouse, she did. It was a small self-esteem builder that I needed at the time. Lilly, you did not break your promise and you are not at fault.

Nuts and bolts, you are doing damn good already focusing as best you can on dealing with your new logistics. Keep it up, it will build your confidence and keep your mind off of the other crap.

Get some counseling for yourself and make sure you have a group of family and friends that you can contact at a moments notice to help you through your toughest times. You will need them and you will appreciate their love more than you can imagine.

Be strong, you are going to be better than before this happened.

You can do it,
Stretch


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Lilly2013 said:


> Thank everyone for the advise. I am moving out of state on Thursday and most likely one of us will file for divorce.
> 
> I feel horrible and feel like I can't handle all the stress. I have no idea how I will get through this or if I even will.


You feel terrible right now.

It's ok. You are supposed to feel terrible.

You made the right decision. 

You are not a doormat.

Plenty of life in store for you once you heal from this.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Lilly my heart hurts for you. I was in a similar situation with my WS. Same thing, we were in counseling and he was not invested. I discovered the affair when he was on an international "business" trip. He didn't even offer to come home. I moved out while he was gone, he still refuses to talk to me and is being a total coward/baby/jerk about almost everything.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it's actually a blessing you are going to start over,especially at such a young age. You deserve someone who will cherish you and not waste his time like a disconnected loser in fantasy text land. He is not worthy of your love.

I remember how incredible the pain was, but a month out I am doing SO much better. Seriously. I'm laughing more, worrying less, and have so much positive energy from my family & friends. Meanwhile I hear he is a mess (turns out his affair partner isn't the bigger better deal he thought she was.)

The best advice I can give you is keep your eyes on the road ahead and don't look in the rear view mirror. It's a waste of time to wonder what he's doing or why he did the things he did. You'll never know the truth, and even if you did it wouldn't make you feel any better. Focus on your wants and needs. Take care of YOU. He doesn't like leaving the house? Too damn bad! Disconnect from him emotionally as best you can during this difficult time. It gets easier each day.

Do you have a friend or relative who can help you pack? Now is the time to rally the troops. You'll be surprised how many people will be there for you if just let them know you need the help. 

Wishing you peace and blessings. Keep updating if you can. TAM is a great journal space for thoughts & feelings.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Just wanted to add there's no doubt he's cheating and blame-shifting/gaslighting you by getting indignant when you look through his phone (How dare you spy on my affairs! type crap) Don't fall into his manipulation mind games. Trust your gut and stand strong!

Also, my advice would be that once you get out of the home, tell him that you should split the assets on your own and just see an attorney to execute the paperwork. Then retain the best attorney you can afford and get everything ready to go. If he doesn't agree to your terms, let the process server be his wake up call. Sometimes playing dumb is the best way to play it smart if that makes sense.


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## hopeforbetter (Mar 20, 2013)

I just got my husband back. A whole month now hes been telling me he doesnt love me and wants a divorce. Read my story it was pretty awefull. I got Michelle Weiners books, started reading one on Friday, it gave me some insight. I told him a few things based on the book about marriages and that you can make them work. Sunday morning, after the worse 2 months of my life, he finally told me EVERYTHING. How hes been feeling for years and never told me. How he needs more freedom, but loves me, and things from the bottom of his hearth. I didnt judge him and just listened. We are not divorcing anymore. I have agreed to give him his freedom, he is 100% honest. We are building the trust back with some of Michelles tips in the book. Humans are all unique and different. Listen to him and be ready to really hear him and understand his needs. If he feels he can be himself with you he will give you what you want as well. Good luck


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

It is always so great to hear a story that turns to hope rather than despair.

I pray you are able to make it work.

Stretch


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## Lilly2013 (Apr 12, 2013)

Stretch said:


> It is always so great to hear a story that turns to hope rather than despair.
> 
> I pray you are able to make it work.
> 
> Stretch


Thanks again for all the advise everyone. I'm doing a little better but I don't think it's quite hit me yet I'm leaving tomorrow.

My husband & I sat down and spoke about everything and he says he's not filing for divorce but he does still want me to leave. He said he feels horrible about all the lying and that he is going to begin IC when I leave. He says we wants to talk the summer to work on himself and for me to move on. He said he didn't want to give me false hope though because we may stay separated. Do you guys think I should leave with the mind set of its over or keep showing him I still love him? I'm really confused if I should just move on or hang onto hoping he will want me back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Sounds like a plan B move to me.

I'd move on and employ the 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Knowledge is power and I think you are going to get a very clear signal if your WS goes to IC and keeps it going for a while. If he does not follow through, I think you will have your answer.

Hope this makes you smile. My girlfriend is about to become a grandmother for the second time and they are going to name the first granddaughter Lily.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Move on.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Your situation is so similar to mine, my H was texting a female co worker and hiding it from me too. I know how you feel, he ended things but I still love him and wish he would change his mind. But I think you are very brave moving on, making important changes in your life. I hope that I can too pull through and be confident like you and work towards being happy again.


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