# Sex feels like nothing and it's a chore



## Glas-Ceiling (May 16, 2011)

Hi 
Im new to this whole thing and I'm at the end of my rope with sex and I need help. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and I love him very much we have a 3 year old son buuuuuttttt the sex is terrible. He has a very high sex drive and I used to have a decent sex drive before my son but now it's kinda low not to mention it's hard to get excited for disappointment. The sex was not always terrible but it was never the best that I had ever had but I loved him so much I thought over time it would get better but I was dead wrong.

On every other level we connect but the connection with sex just isn't there. We have tried different positions, toys, lubricants and nothing makes it feel good. I haven't had an orgasm from sex in about 4 years. He performs oral sex and I can get and orgasm from that but I'm tired of that too. He is an absolute fanatic of oral sex! It's not my cup of tea but I do it because I love him, of course not as often as he would like. He takes me not wanting sex very personally and feels as though he is not being taken care of when we go through a dry spell. I am really starting to resent him ability to orgasm. He goes on and on about how sex is so wonderful and feels so good to him but what about me. He tries to make me feel bad for not wanting to have sex because he says it's the way to show love. I understand that but again do I feel loved with having to do something that brings me no pleasure to please you? 

Sex is about the pleasure of two people and he is the only one getting pleasure. We both work full-time but of course he thinks he works so much harder than I do which is not at all true. Like I said I am at the end of my rope and looking for answers any help would be great.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

if your husband goes down on you regularly and gives you orgasms that way, it doesn't sound like he's being all that selfish; maybe just barking up the wrong tree. Does he just have really bad technique?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

"Barking up the wrong tree". Not sure I would have phrased it that way, but...

Sounds like to me that maybe it's all in your head. You have a negative attitude to begin with, that carries into the act itself, and then you have a bad sexual experience. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Find out WHY it doesn't bring you pleasure. If it's his technique, tell him, but also show him what you want.


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## Glas-Ceiling (May 16, 2011)

No he is really good at oral sex but it has gotten to the point where it's old and I want to be able to orgasm from penetration.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Talk to your doctor about your desire. You may have some lingering hormone problems from your pregnancy. If you're on anti-depressants, those could take away libido. You may need to exercise more to spur your libido. Certain foods like chocolate, watermelon, and garlic can also help.

If your husband is doing something specifically wrong, then you should discuss it with him. If he's trying to give you pleasure and you're just not getting any, then you need to work on yourself. You should continue to have sex at a reasonable frequency until you can get yourself over the hump of orgasm with him. Perhaps use a vibrator during intercourse?

Good luck.


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## Glas-Ceiling (May 16, 2011)

I do believe most of it is in my head. Sex is after all 90% mental. We have never had the greatest sex but it has never been this bad either. He does all the things that got me there in the past and I feel nothing. I don't even feel close to him after it's just another thing on the list to keep him from complaining so much. If he had his way we would have sex everyday but I'm not into it and it's really sad. Before marriage there was some infidelity on both ends but none since then (I don't think).


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Are you sticking it in the right end?


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## Glas-Ceiling (May 16, 2011)

I have used vibrators and I can come with it just not with him


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

What is your relationship like other than the sex. Is your husband physically attractive to you? Do you have some resentment towards your husband on other issues in your marriage?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Do you orgasm strictly through penetration with the vibrator, or do you need the vibrations or clit stimulation? Have you though about using a vibrator on yourself while he's in you, or a vibrating c*ck ring?

Did you used to orgasm through penetration? Was that before you had a child, and it hasn't happened since? Have you tried Kegel exercises to tighten things up?

You mention that sex with him isn't "the best you've ever had"... Why? Have you talked to him about it?

No offense, but you probably need to take ownership of the problem (and obviously you're trying to, by posting in here). But he probably thinks he's doing fine because you're getting your orgasms through oral sex. But as far as having one through penetration, you're really the only one that can tell him what needs to be different. 

I feel your/his pain somewhat, though... My GF can have numerous orgasms through oral, fingers, toys... But penetration just doesn't do it for her, even though she says it feels really good. But it's been like that with all her partners; she's only once had an orgasm through penetration and that was a "special" circumstance. So I'm looking forward to any help you get! 

C


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

my wife can have orgasms thru penetration, but it is sporadic and unpredictable. She really likes to be manually stimulated while I kiss her after I am finished. If she has any complaints, she hasn't shared them with me.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Glas-Ceiling said:


> I have used vibrators and I can come with it just not with him


I used to have this problem and I solved it by kicking the vibrator habit. I learned through masturbating how to pleasure myself without a vibrator (difficulty level = medium) then I was able to translate that to orgasm with men.


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## Glas-Ceiling (May 16, 2011)

That's just it I haven't used a vibrator in probably almost a year, we have tried the vibrating ring to no avail, and I can have an orgasm through masturbation. I am happy with the way he behaves about it sometimes but I also don't expect marriage to be all happy times. We enjoy each others company and companionship and we really do love each other but I don't connect with him through penetration. 

We talk about it a great deal but again he takes it so personally and we both end up hurt. I'm hurting because I want to have some pleasure in sex and he's hurting because if I don't want sex I must not live him the way I say I do. Also when he's not getting sex or oral sex it magnifies everything and suddenly I become this horrible uncaring person.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Do you respect your husband?


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

He badgers you for sex to much, that is why you feel like it's just another job to do. You can't relax enough to have pleasure. You are busy making it good for him.

You take over, and be in control. You say what goes, and he has to submit to it. Maybe you can relax enough to have fun. Tell him what you do want, and how. More foreplay, roleplay, sensual talking. Whatever turns you on.


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## Glas-Ceiling (May 16, 2011)

Honestly I used to have the utmost respect and trust for my husband and I can honestly say that it's not the same as it used to be. I used to respect him as the man of our house and the head of our household and through external circumstance the roles changed and I became the head of the household and the primary bread winner. He also made some questionable decisions with our money that put us in many binds.

It used to be overall good but great when I would be on top so I get the in control and in charge sex but now even on top it's bad


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Glas-Ceiling said:


> Honestly I used to have the utmost respect and trust for my husband and I can honestly say that it's not the same as it used to be. I used to respect him as the man of our house and the head of our household and through external circumstance the roles changed and I became the head of the household and the primary bread winner. He also made some questionable decisions with our money that put us in many binds.
> 
> It used to be overall good but great when I would be on top so I get the in control and in charge sex but now even on top it's bad


In my experience, if I don't feel respect for my husband than I don't want to have sex with him. That's why I asked you that. 

First, you have to let go of the past. It's over and everyone makes mistakes. Do what you can to put it behind you.

Second, start looking for things that he does right. Look for things that you do respect about him. Is he a good father? Does he admit when he's wrong? Is he good with fixing things? Focus on the things he does right and not what he's done wrong.

There was a time when I felt exactly like you do. Sex wasn't good at all. I realized it was because I wasn't attracted to my husband because I didn't respect him. I've since found an enourmous amount of respect for my husband and things got a lot better in and out of the bedroom.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Respect is everything to a man.. the importance of knowing that you are appreciated and desired simply cannot be understated. Even if the tables have turned financially or any other way, he is still the man who pledged his life to you and the father of your child/children. If you can figure out how to respect him and let him know that you do, it should make a huge difference in the bedroom.


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## luvlost09 (May 15, 2011)

The ratio of women who actually have an orgasm through penetration only is very low. Our "sweet spot" is our clit. For most women to have an orgasm, it has to be stimulated. It's just our anatomy. You shouldn't be frustrated with your husband because of the way our bodies were made. We are the ones who have it easy in the bedroom. Nothing else but penetration is 'needed' for a guy to orgasm. Though, often oral and such is desired. If my husband wouldn't manually stimulate me during intercourse, I would never orgasm through penetration. There's positions where he can rub his pubic bone just right and it feels phenominal. But my guy loved to please me orally. (I say loved because we are currently seperated, but it had nothing to do with the sex. That was amazing...) He would ask if he could "go down", just out of nowhere. 

The guy really has to work to get his woman to orgasm. I give all men who put in the time props. Because, like mentioned above, it can take quite a bit of time for some woman. Like me. 

Don't be upset with your husband about this. Be upset with him for not taking the garbage out, or leaving the lid up. Oh, and about thinking he works harder than you. That's a good reason to get pissed. Us full time working women and mothers are beasts. Don't ever let him tell you different. That's not an argument worth arguing.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Glas-Ceiling said:


> Hi
> Im new to this whole thing and I'm at the end of my rope with sex and I need help. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and I love him very much we have a 3 year old son buuuuuttttt the sex is terrible. He has a very high sex drive and I used to have a decent sex drive before my son but now it's kinda low not to mention it's hard to get excited for disappointment. The sex was not always terrible but it was never the best that I had ever had but I loved him so much I thought over time it would get better but I was dead wrong.
> 
> On every other level we connect but the connection with sex just isn't there. We have tried different positions, toys, lubricants and nothing makes it feel good. I haven't had an orgasm from sex in about 4 years. He performs oral sex and I can get and orgasm from that but I'm tired of that too. He is an absolute fanatic of oral sex! It's not my cup of tea but I do it because I love him, of course not as often as he would like. He takes me not wanting sex very personally and feels as though he is not being taken care of when we go through a dry spell. I am really starting to resent him ability to orgasm. He goes on and on about how sex is so wonderful and feels so good to him but what about me. He tries to make me feel bad for not wanting to have sex because he says it's the way to show love. I understand that but again do I feel loved with having to do something that brings me no pleasure to please you?
> ...


It is very important for us to enjoy sex too. Men have no problems achieving orgasms, but I know a lot of women have difficulties having orgasms. If only he can cum, but you don't enjoy much from it, having it daily is like a chore for you. 

Do you get distracted easily? What do you think when you have sex? 

I noticed if I start thinking something else rather than sex, I don't feel anything. I only feel that my husband is going in and out! When I do that, I quickly change my mind and focus on the sex activity again, focus on his co** touching my clit. 

I find moaning enhances my excitement, the harder he does to me, the louder I scream, and then the more excited I become, the more joy I get. 

When I get very horny and want to cum, I climb on my husband, rub my clit against his co**, form dirty images in my mind, the dirty images can really get me fired up, plus rubbing myself against my husband, I cum within two or three minutes. 

I read porn stories to form dirty ideas and images, it is a very good tool to help me get wild! My imagination is really good! I think a lot of women's imagination is very good!


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Glas-Ceiling said:


> Honestly I used to have the utmost respect and trust for my husband and I can honestly say that it's not the same as it used to be. I used to respect him as the man of our house and the head of our household and through external circumstance the roles changed and I became the head of the household and the primary bread winner. He also made some questionable decisions with our money that put us in many binds.
> 
> It used to be overall good but great when I would be on top so I get the in control and in charge sex but now even on top it's bad


I assume from this YOU know what works for YOU. 

Does your husband also know?

Have you told him and demonstrated as necessary, 'cos saying "I really like it when you, you know..." isn't very helpful as instructions go! Saying that, it's better than thinking *at* him really, really hard in the hope he simply picks it up by magic


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## preppy12 (May 17, 2011)

That happens with a lot of couples. I am confused too. Is it the lack of attraction/passion or what...I just hope that it doesn't mean that the love is lost.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There is no love without respect and 99% of sex is mental. You have lost respect for your man for reasons which have nothing to do with sex. He could have washboard abs and go like a porn star but you will not be fulfilled as long as you harbor resentment and disrespect for this man. You entered the relationship having certain expectations and what you have now is somewhat different. You might need to examine your expectations and consider if they were entirely reasonable. What you have would sound pretty good to most women.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Glas-Ceiling said:


> Honestly I used to have the utmost respect and trust for my husband and I can honestly say that it's not the same as it used to be. I used to respect him as the man of our house and the head of our household and through external circumstance the roles changed and I became the head of the household and the primary bread winner. He also made some questionable decisions with our money that put us in many binds.
> 
> It used to be overall good but great when I would be on top so I get the in control and in charge sex but now even on top it's bad


Theres your problem right there. He needs to start acting manly lol. And get passionate and a little bit dominate and I bet you would feel desire again. Also you need to be able to fully trust that he has the best interest of the family at heart.


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