# I am not attractive to my husband anymore



## klev808 (Jun 9, 2013)

FYI: As I wrote this I kept switching from it being a post to being a letter to my husband... sorry if it is confusing. I just don't know where to go from here.

I have been married for 10 years. My husband has supported me as a mother. He has created a situation where I am able to be home with my 3 beautiful girls and desires a loving relationship with me. He works hard (too hard frequently), provides for our family and works to support the maintenance of our home. 

I work hard to keep a clean house, clean laundry, food in the frig. and do 90% of what our children need (which is ALOT with 3 children). My husband’s main daily responsibility with our children is their night time routine which his job does not always permit him to do. I am currently stay at home mom but feel I have lost myself in this venture and need to return back to work (something I never expected when I decided (and husband supported) to stay home). I also feel that our children need more than what I can give them and the socialization of daycare will benefit them. My husband supports this but with trepidation. In this respect my husbands support and honoring of my feelings has never failed… but I feel he is concern that his own responsibilities will increase. My husband goes to work 1.5 hours before needed (ok that is my opinion) and leaves later than necessary. He is a workaholic and feels this is necessary to go above and beyond at his job. (I want to support him in all of his work endeavors but I feel his focus is so narrow that he can not see what he can do with and for his children and family--- I don’t mean this as a dig but he could go to work 30minutes later and see his children in the morning it should be a blessing not a bother). When I worked in the past I did 90% of everything. I did all commuting and walked into work minutes before school bell rang(i am a teacher) and left the second I was allowed due to my responsibilities with my children. He did not participate in this part of our children's lives and he does not believe this is part of his responsibility. Almost all cooking falls on my lap (except heating up food I have already cooked or frozen food). I used to love cooking now I despise it, it has become another item on my list of things to do. Normally while I am trying to catch up on all the things that didn't get done after a busy day my husband sits in front of the tv. He gets upset that I make him feel guilt. I don't want to be mad I don't want to feel lonely in the daily drill of our house. If we worked on it together there is a higher probability that we will have time to spend together such as watching a movie or playing cards. He gets to play with our children while I cook dinner or fold laundry. When it is time to help with the bath or getting dressed he gets so frustrated with the children's behavior that I just want to do it so there is no yelling (not that i don't yell because I have more than my own moments of frustration). 

For one of the first times ever he asked me if I needed help cooking dinner. We spent more time together doing this than we have in a long time. It was nice… a conversation that didn’t make me think about what wasn’t getting done because I was just sitting down (I understand that is also a problem) In my opinion that is how a marriage should be, this should be the norm. A team that switches off packing lunches, bringing kids to birthday parties, doing laundry, washing floors, entertaining the kids, planning daytrips, calling for appointments, making dinners, cleaning up after dinners. It is just not a one person job… no matter what. If two are doing it at the same time wouldn’t that mean it would take half the amount of time? Wouldn’t that leave more time for family things and partnership things??? It is not about sitting down and doing nothing together but accomplishing things as a team and working together towards goals. Goals that may include watching our kids smile, helping them learn something new, bringing them on a hike or searching for worms together. Those are special moments. Moments when we secretly smile at each other from across the room (instead of avoid you because I am scared you will judge what is on my plate of food). These moments are lost in the daily life… In order to keep maintenance in our house I miss these things even as a stay at home mom. Yes I get to do things with my children but I don’t get to do things with my children and my husband. Our family has not cultivated the type of environment where we work together to get things done… it seems to always fall on one persons shoulders. As a growing family frequently we need to separate to conquer but we need to get over that now. 

I don’t want this to be a note bickering about what is done or not done in the house (in so many ways I feel maybe I should delete that first couple paragraphs of this thing) because although that is part of the problem it is definitely not the main problem. I guess my complaining about those things is due to my feeling of lonelieness in the acts of our family. It is also parts of my fears when I go back to work so it is at the forefront of my thoughts as I know it is my husbands.

Honestly making dinner with my husband made me feel very good in a time when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and forget… for a long time. Can that continue…. Can things be like that… is it a one time thing? Can it symbolize what we can be when we work hard? A team, a partnership, two people that communicate… share things that bother us and things that we are proud of? Can it be those moments that show are kids that we are a team and stronger because of it? Can it develop into happiness that has been missing?

I have felt that I am my husband’s unhappiness. I try to do so much to make him smile, to make him laugh, to make him feel good. It really doesn’t seem to be working. I worry about him. I worry that it is so much more than we can fix alone. Things bother him in ways that I don’t always understand and I fear my children feel it in ways they should not. 
I want to be able to walk across fire to make him happy. Yet when he tells me that a large part of his unhappiness is because of my physical being I fall apart. His belief is that we need to work to make each other happy. I am too fat for him. He works on his anger issues and reactive ness and I need to work on my physical being and ability to be intimate. I have, we have struggled with this since the birth of my first daughter. It is not an excuse but I am so much healthier than I was ever taught to be. I have read books, gone to doctors, seeked advice in so many ways… I have a ton of knowledge about a healthy lifestyle. Honestly I probably know more than my husband. I am a steady size ten. I have recently lost 23 lbs and put back on about 10 of those lbs after two surgeries. I have excuses but that is not relevant. I love going running, swimming and working out… I love the way it feels and I love that I can eat a treat without hiding it if I have worked out. I want with every piece of my being to be an athlete, to complete a triathlon, to run a marathon or at least a half. I can’t do that without help and my husband knows this… when it was possible he did help. There are times though when he does not talk about the weekly schedule but instead tells me when he is going to the gym… Guess who did not go to the gym on those days (not all the time) but I made sure he came first because I know it makes him less stressed. I don’t blame him for that but I also didn’t want to fight about it not working in the schedule so that I could work out… so I just forget about what I needed… easier that way.

But with all that being said I want to be a size whatever and still have my husband run after me like I am the best thing that has happened to him. I want him to initiate passion with me. I want him to not look at me sideways because I put something in my mouth or I mention that I prefer to work out in the am (eventhough I have not been able to for a while). I don’t want to hide behind a towel after my shower or rush to put clothes on or not even think about putting on something sexy because god knows he won’t see it as sexy. I just want to feel like I am beautiful, I am loved, I am someone important.

These issues are just part of what is our struggle. It is reflective of how my husband and I are not a team in terms of our household and family but it is also part of how we are not in an intimate relationship. One where share that loving smile across the room, one where we grab one another while in a public place, a passionate kiss around the corner or laughing while chasing each to be intimate. A sense of trust in each others being… a trust that we think of the other before we think of ourselves…. None of those things are currently in our relationship. Goodness knows I desire that and feel it is essential for our happiness. I don’t want to just keep crying like I have lost something but rather build something that is stronger and better. I don’t want it to be in vain but in love. I don’t want it to be about what we look like to others but want we need from each other. 

I am not even sure if this is something I will ever share with my husband… his natural reaction will be to defend and I don’t want to get into that. I just want him to hear my perceptive. I understand that his is different. His needs are different and his wants are different. I do listen… I don’t always agree… I don’t particularly agree especially when it comes to me as a physical being…. I don’t blame him… I do fear for our future with how hard it is for him.


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## klev808 (Jun 9, 2013)

I see that a lot of people have seen my post but no comments on the thread. I haven't stopped crying in the last two days after my husband brought up for the up tenth time in the last seven years that my weight is a major issue in our marriage... makes him feel unloved. I may lose the weight... as I have tried and after each kid more comes back... but honestly what happens in the future... what happens when menopause hits and it is hard to keep weight off. Genetics in my family are not in my favor... his mom eats like a bird and is thinner than a rail.... feeling smaller than the bug squished under his shoe.... ;(


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why is this all about you? Have you told your husband that you would love nothing more then to get in shape and when he dumps everything on you so you can't it makes YOU feel unloved? See it's easy to complain but harder to be part of the solution. Ask him to set up a schedule where you can go to the gym and he stays with the kids. If he makes excuses ask him how you are supposed to work on your weight. Tell him you feel unloved because he complains about your weight and then isn't willing to do his part for you to work on it. When he changes the schedule so you don't get to go ask him again how you're supposed to deal with your weight. I'd be very interested in his response to this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

This is a tough question to answer. I feel like I can somewhat relate to this story ... the big exception being that I am the husband. You didn't say how much you weigh. My wife, at last count, weighs 330lbs. I am not attracted to her. Even with that, you provide for your family in ways that my wife doesn't and that is the root of my issue. 

*I work hard to keep a clean house, clean laundry, food in the frig. and do 90% of what our children need (which is ALOT with 3 children). 
*

While my wife does provide considerably for the children, she does little else. Even at my wife's current weight, I might still be attracted to her if she contributed as you do, and cared as you do ... in other words, if I hadn't lost respect for her. I certainly wouldn't care if she was struggling with 30, 40, 50 lbs. 

*I love going running, swimming and working out… I love the way it feels and I love that I can eat a treat without hiding it if I have worked out. I want with every piece of my being to be an athlete, to complete a triathlon, to run a marathon or at least a half.*

This. This is how I feel. My wife has no interest. 

I have a friend who just several years ago weighed close to 400lbs. His wife sat him down and had the talk about his weight and their future. She is a yoga instructor and very fit. I remember him coming into work in tears. He decided to take action ... but they did it together. Long story short, he just finished his 2nd marathon and she just completed her first full ironman. They train together and support each other in their training. It is their lifestyle. He is a colleague so I know what his workload is and he is able to manage both. Their children are athletic and the oldest daughter competes nationally in diving with hopes of making it to the 2020 olympics. The point is that they went in this together and instead of dividing roles as couples traditionally do, they share those responsibilities as necessary. The result is that they have completely turned around their relationship and are deeply in love with each other. She constantly posts on facebook how hot he is, how much he's there for her, etc. I'm jealous of that relationship, actually. I only wish that my wife and I could share our lives in that way.

Just a thought but ... if you have this interest ... maybe the two of you can develop some common goals in this area and work on them together. Might do wonders for your relationship and the level of attraction the two of you have for each other.


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## klev808 (Jun 9, 2013)

Lifeistooshort,
I appreciate your post. We have tried to do this and we schedule the time and he becomes responsible. As the years have progressed I have forced him to take control of things he would not... such as giving the kids a bath (his excuse was they are girls), make the kids dinners, make his own lunches.... he has needed to step up because I am not a wait on hand and foot kind of wife. But honestly he was a momma's boy and struggles every step of the way when I force him to do stuff. One of the main reasons for my lack of progress (getting back in shape) is due to 5 surgeries in 2 years. My lack of progress has been not under my control yet my husband still sees me through vain eyes. What if I am a size 10 and I am running triathlons and marathons.... what if this is it....


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## klev808 (Jun 9, 2013)

justsomeguywho,
I am 5.6 and 165lbs. I have a 8,5 and 2 year old. Would love to work out together and he would too. We do things as a family. Like I said I am not an unhealthy person. I have had set backs but overall I am healthy. I have a belly that doesn't allow me to wear bikinis but I can do anything else..... I pictures me as a 300lb unhealthy person. FYI he can eat anything and everything, has high blood pressure and probably has 10% body fat.


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## MyrnaLoy (Apr 23, 2013)

(((Hugs))) I think it would hurt if my H said that to me, but I'd also be really angry. Love and marriage are not supposed to be conditional on your weight. You've had 3 kids and you're a size 10-- that sounds fine to me. I'm sure you could lose a few pounds (most people could) but being super thin and in shape is hard when you have young kids because your priorities are elsewhere, as they *should* be. I'm all for fitness and health, but his love and affection should not be based on how thin you are. Honestly, i haven't known anyone that has stayed the same weight all the time. people fluctuate-- life sometimes has bigger issues than the number on the scale. So that sucks that he would feel that way and say that to you repeatedly. So I guess you have a couple of options. 1) Tell him how much his attitude sucks-- and that it is his issue to fix. 2). Start loving yourself as you are-- the more you see yourself as attractive, the more he probably will too. No more hiding your treats or rushing to change clothes-- be who you are proudly. There's no shame in eating some ice cream.  3) Start organizing some family fitness outings with him-- go biking, hiking, playing at the park with the kids. Get moving together and have fun and build family moments. 

I'm in your shoes too, btw, (except my H gained more weight with my pregnancy than I did, so he can't really say anything). I tried for a year after having my twins to get to the gym and lose the baby weight. I was stressed out and getting to the gym *never* fit well into our schedule. Finally I have up my gym membership and have been instead trying to get more family fitness minutes in. I walk the twins around the neighborhood, bike ride with my older DD, play soccer with her and her friends, etc. That seems to be working better and I'm less stressed out about it all. Plus it's great for my girls and our relationship. I was always a gym rat and runner before, but it was too hard to create that time away from my kids-- I had to start including them to actually get to do it on a regular basis. 

Good luck! I'm sorry you are so sad and your husband is being a jerk. Hopefully he'll change his tune once you don't accept his insults and stop feeling shame. You don't need to-- you are wonderful and hard working and a loving mom-- he should be so proud to have you as a wife!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Sorry I reread your post. I deleted my original reply. Your husband is being a jerk. Lose weight all you can but even after you get down to what he deems is "perfect" he will still be a jerk. Also what happens if you do...you will live in terror of that scale. God forbid you gain a pound. I don't like what he is doing to you. He may think he is helping but he is not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

klev808 said:


> justsomeguywho,
> I am 5.6 and 165lbs. I have a 8,5 and 2 year old. Would love to work out together and he would too. We do things as a family. Like I said I am not an unhealthy person. I have had set backs but overall I am healthy. I have a belly that doesn't allow me to wear bikinis but I can do anything else..... I pictures me as a 300lb unhealthy person. FYI he can eat anything and everything, has high blood pressure and probably has 10% body fat.


Ok then he is me. I am fit, less than 10% body fat, have high blood pressure and can eat everything and anything.

My point really was it doesn't matter what you look like. There is a disconnect between you and your husband that is a bigger problem than your weight. When there is a disconnect like that, we can all look at our spouse and see something we find unattractive. All of us are flawed. There are runway models most guys can only dream of who has somebody who is tired of looking at her. For your husband, the additional weight gets his attention in this case; it does for me too ... although I wish my wife only weighed 165lbs, lol. With that disconnect, we tend to focus on those things. If it wasn't your weight, it might be something else ... but only because that disconnect is there.

The example I brought up ... a few comments. The reason that worked for them is that they were able to share a common goal that brought them closer and removed that disconnect. It happened to be a common goal that involves physical fitness and that only served to increase their level of attraction to each other (the benefits of physical fitness). It is also addictive ... people become addicted to how they feel when they are in good shape. It wasn't easy for my friend in this example right away ... but it became easier as they both became more fit and not only did they become addicted to becoming more fit but they became addicted to the benefits of their improved relationship. It is now their lifestyle. He has commented many times how he kicks himself for ever letting it get that bad and he will never go back to the way it was.

The challenge is that he is in a fog. If you read the infidelity forums, you see people talk about their cheating spouse being in a fog and they can't have proper perspective on what they do until they break out of their fog (the excitement of the affair). Your husband is not cheating but he is in a fog with work. Women sometimes do that too when they have children. He thinks it is so vitally important that everything else, while it may be important, comes in second place. If he doesn't go into work earlier than everyone else then it is a problem for him; he feels he HAS to do it and he justifies it because he is providing for his family. My colleague used to do that to ... until he realized he may lose his family. My colleague cut his hours to what he had to work and it has NOT hurt his career whatsoever. If anything, it has improved his career because he has a healthy balance in his life now.

My feeling is that the two of you need to break that disconnect. I offer that example as one way of doing it. Once that connection starts building back, his focus on your weight will start to disappear. His focus will move to the positive things in your relationship. Yours will too. You CAN find a way to do it, no excuses. One thing is for sure is that it will not get better unless you do something about it. In fact, he could work his way into an affair or loss of your marriage if it continues ... if nothing changes, he will not suddenly wake up one day and realize he's focusing on the wrong things. In the example of the fitness. Perhaps you could create a common goal to run a half-marathon together ... besides, he may be fit but that high blood pressure if not managed will cause him a lot of problems later in life. You have young children but you don't have to find a solution for that on your own ... with a common goal, you can find a solution for that together. That is just one idea based on what you've talked about but there are any number of things you could try to do together ... the point being to build that connection back.

EDIT: In regards to your husband's work. Stating the obvious here but when people get older they frequently have regrets. Nobody ever regrets that they didn't work more hours. If anything, they will regret that they didn't spend more time with their family, spouse, or children.

SECOND EDIT: Doing things as a family does not necessarily mean building a connection between you and your spouse. Doing things as a family usually means doing things together for the children ... not the same thing. If you would both love to work out together then nothing would encourage that more than creating a common goal that you both commit too and you can both support each other in. Don't talk about it ... do it.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Sorry I reread your post. I deleted my original reply. Your husband is being a jerk. Lose weight all you can but even after you get down to what he deems is "perfect" he will still be a jerk. Also what happens if you do...you will live in terror of that scale. God forbid you gain a pound. I don't like what he is doing to you. He may think he is helping but he is not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Weight is certainly a taboo subject and the very first thing that came to mind is that he is shallow. However, she came here trying to figure out what to do about it and to simply dismiss it as him being a shallow jerk doesn't really do any good with the assumption that she wants to fix the situation. He is what he is and to him weight is a big deal. The problem as I see it is that he is focused on the wrong things and so the question is what to do about THAT. He could be a different guy who doesn't care about weight but instead finds some other thing that he finds unattractive. My feeling on that is that a disconnect exists in the marriage that allows him to focus in on the negative (his opinion on it anyway) instead of the positive. 

He is focused on the weight and so she is focused on her weight but I think they are simply focused on the wrong things. I would guess that no matter what she does about her weight, it will not be enough ... but only because their connection isn't as strong as it could be. So ... the focus should be on building their connection ... and if the means by which they do that also helps her get more fit then double bonus


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Several things occur to me (as the mother of 8, wife of nearly 30 years whose husband formerly wouldn't touch "women's work" with a ten foot pole)


your children can help with chores including cooking: more and more as they age

you can do very simple things for dinner when you go back to work

I haven't packed lunches for many years. My kids start packing their own in 1st grade, or they get the school lunch (usually the school lunch, it's $2/day/child. if you work that should be peanuts)

my husband stepped up more once I went back to work, despite his open disdain for anything "woman's work" (say it with a spit). Nowadays he even cooks on occasion (once a week or so)

Size 10 at 5'6". How much over your bridal weight are you? With a two year old and two recent surgeries, no surprise to be a bit overweight. Between my 3rd and 4th child (4 year stretch) I recall carving out time to take an aerobics class. Hubby had to step up and take care of three kiddos under 6. Its part of being "daddy".


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I went back to school 3 years ago and then work and


got in great shape (a mother several children will never have the flat belly of a teenage porn star BTW. You have to be realistic )

new wardrobe

got a life (school, friends, etc)

ignored the fact that he was a workaholic (among other things) and got on with MY life
Its a form of the 180 they talk about on TAM and I think it made my husband think twice about throwing away marriage and family for his pleasures.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I don't think this is a weight issue.

I do wonder what size you were when he married you.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Blonde said:


> I went back to school 3 years ago and then work and
> 
> 
> got in great shape (a mother several children will never have the flat belly of a teenage porn star BTW. You have to be realistic )
> ...


I am all for a 180 when appropriate. The primary purpose of a 180 is to build yourself up. As the name implies, it is a dramatic change or set of changes you make and is usually preceded by a catastrophic event that forces you to take a good hard look at yourself. Infidelity certainly falls into that category. Sometimes this has the additional benefit of waking your spouse up to what they have ... or could lose. Ideally, a person is constantly evaluating themselves, who they want to be, what their goals are along with their strengths and weaknesses and continually works on them ... but we don't always do that. Sometimes it does take a catastrophic event to wake us up to the realization that somewhere along the way, we stopped doing that.

This can be effective but I wonder if a complete 180 is appropriate here. Making changes to improve your life certainly can't hurt but it is very much an individual thing. I would recommend looking at things that would improve your life but also that can be shared with her husband in order to rebuild that connection. She talks about setting goals to work on together ... she's on the right track but it needs to be about them ... and not the children. She says this ....

*
It is not about sitting down and doing nothing together but accomplishing things as a team and working together towards goals. Goals that may include watching our kids smile, helping them learn something new, bringing them on a hike or searching for worms together. Those are special moments. *

Those moments ARE important but again I think that is more focused on the children and family than on them as a couple. That may bring the husband closer to his children and it may bring him closer to his wife, the mother ... but not his wife, the woman. If you focus solely on the children then it is easy to lose the connection as a couple. If you stop seeing your wife as a woman, then it is easy to focus on the negative.


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## klev808 (Jun 9, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I don't think this is a weight issue.
> 
> I do wonder what size you were when he married you.


size 6 135 at my best... wedding weight..
While in grad school, unemployed with little responsibility
I worked out a couple hours a day.


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## klev808 (Jun 9, 2013)

please send me a link for the 180 thing.


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## klev808 (Jun 9, 2013)

*
It is not about sitting down and doing nothing together but accomplishing things as a team and working together towards goals. Goals that may include watching our kids smile, helping them learn something new, bringing them on a hike or searching for worms together. Those are special moments. *

Those moments ARE important but again I think that is more focused on the children and family than on them as a couple. That may bring the husband closer to his children and it may bring him closer to his wife, the mother ... but not his wife, the woman. If you focus solely on the children then it is easy to lose the connection as a couple. If you stop seeing your wife as a woman, then it is easy to focus on the negative.[/QUOTE]

Yes I agree with this... I was thinking we need to sit down and think about the things we like to do as a couple.... maybe the kids join us maybe they don't but ultimately it would be about our relationship as either a married couple or parents. we seem to have very few similar issues and if they are similar they seem to cost too much money... always another issue.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

OP, how about looking at this from a different perspective? (by the way -- I can't imagine that you "look" in the least bit fat at 5'6 and size 10).

But anyway, maybe look at it from how YOU feel about and what YOU want for yourself. I'm not saying it is not important for us to consider our appearance for our spouse sake, but he seem to be putting too much pressure. Maybe if you think about what you want, you can reach your goal. So, takiing hubby out of the picture - what do you want for yourself? A little less of a belly? Start cutting out sugar, especially sugary drinks. Take 10 to 15 minutes per day to do as many stomach exercise reps as you can. Maybe do 10 minutes in the morning, 10 at night.

Change your treat to something slightly less sugary in fattening, but still satisfying the craving. If you like ice cream, get some sherbert. If you like chocolate chip cookies, get chocolate chiip SMALL granola bars. When your husband complain, start thinking about what you want for yourself and tune him out with some meaningless banter. "I'm trying honey (think of how you trying for YOURSELF). I'm working on it (your own goals). Start picture yourself with a slighlty smaller belly, and when you reach that goal, picture it even smaller. 

If you already are conscious about sugar, cut your portion size just a little. Get what you would normally get, then put a little of it back. Then in a week, put even a little more back.

I bet at a size 10 and only 165, you can lose a litle weight in no time flat. 

All that being said, if you fine with your weight, then roll with it. Tune your H out anyway if he complain about it.


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## klev808 (Jun 9, 2013)

MyrnaLoy said:


> (((Hugs))) I think it would hurt if my H said that to me, but I'd also be really angry. Love and marriage are not supposed to be conditional on your weight. You've had 3 kids and you're a size 10-- that sounds fine to me. I'm sure you could lose a few pounds (most people could) but being super thin and in shape is hard when you have young kids because your priorities are elsewhere, as they *should* be. I'm all for fitness and health, but his love and affection should not be based on how thin you are. Honestly, i haven't known anyone that has stayed the same weight all the time. people fluctuate-- life sometimes has bigger issues than the number on the scale. So that sucks that he would feel that way and say that to you repeatedly. So I guess you have a couple of options. 1) Tell him how much his attitude sucks-- and that it is his issue to fix. 2). Start loving yourself as you are-- the more you see yourself as attractive, the more he probably will too. No more hiding your treats or rushing to change clothes-- be who you are proudly. There's no shame in eating some ice cream.  3) Start organizing some family fitness outings with him-- go biking, hiking, playing at the park with the kids. Get moving together and have fun and build family moments.
> 
> I'm in your shoes too, btw, (except my H gained more weight with my pregnancy than I did, so he can't really say anything). I tried for a year after having my twins to get to the gym and lose the baby weight. I was stressed out and getting to the gym *never* fit well into our schedule. Finally I have up my gym membership and have been instead trying to get more family fitness minutes in. I walk the twins around the neighborhood, bike ride with my older DD, play soccer with her and her friends, etc. That seems to be working better and I'm less stressed out about it all. Plus it's great for my girls and our relationship. I was always a gym rat and runner before, but it was too hard to create that time away from my kids-- I had to start including them to actually get to do it on a regular basis.
> 
> ...


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## klev808 (Jun 9, 2013)

justsomeguywho.....I your insight is very thought provoking!!! I appreciate it!!! Still thinking which is better than the crying....

committedforever... I try... I don't want his thoughts to demoralize me... struggle with that.


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## klev808 (Jun 9, 2013)

thanks for the hugs!! needed them!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Couple of thoughts to help you to look at it from another angle:

1) You call him a workaholic and believe that he just does not want to do more chores. Yet your decisions have placed all of the financial responsibility on his shoulders. He has taken that on while allowing you to pursue your goal of raising your kids. Consider that some of his effort is to ensure that he takes care of his family in the way only he can right now.

2) I also note that he seems unable to win. You complain that he won’t delay going into work for 30 minutes so that he can see his kids (which should be a blessing according to you), yet you also blame him for playing with your kids rather than helping you around the house. Which is it?

3) I am unclear what you goal is regarding chores. By staying at home, it seems that you should handle a larger percentage of the daily chores. Not all of them, but certainly more than he does. Yet your initial post seems to want a full 50% division of the inside the house chores. Is this accurate? I also note that you don’t mention the upkeep type of chores, such as repairs, the lawn, etc. Who does those? He should start taking on tasks when he gets home, but I don’t see how he can be expected to do half of them on a regular basis.

4) I understand that you want him to want you regardless of your size. In a perfect world, that would be the case. But I also suspect that there is more than the weight going on here. You talk about his anger and his defensiveness. That could be a lot of things, from him feeling you are not really listening to him having poor communication skills that don’t let him listen to other things. What is he doing about his anger?

Consider getting His Needs/Her Needs and filling it out. Also, work on setting aside time for just the two of you to connect and talk. Get in the practice of talking.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

This may sound vain and unpopular, but it's something my wife and I agree on. She is going to stay at the size she was when we met, or better, as long as we are together (the rest of our lives). Her opinion, which I will share here, is that putting on weight after marriage is a little like bras with water in them; you don't get what you bargained for when the truth comes out. 

That said, with surgery and life events, it doesn't sound to me AT ALL that you've let yourself go. You are conscious of your physical size, and you know what to do about it, and you want to. So just do it. 

But here is MY opinion: Never do something about yourself for someone else. Only do it for yourself. "Unto thine own self be true." Nobody will appreciate your efforts more than you, and you are the one spending 100% of your time in that body. So be happy in it. 

I hope this post makes sense... trying to help.


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## klev808 (Jun 9, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Couple of thoughts to help you to look at it from another angle:
> 
> 1) You call him a workaholic and believe that he just does not want to do more chores. Yet your decisions have placed all of the financial responsibility on his shoulders. He has taken that on while allowing you to pursue your goal of raising your kids. Consider that some of his effort is to ensure that he takes care of his family in the way only he can right now.
> 
> ...


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I think this is a all about validation. I think you are unnecessarily taking up the burden of "making" your husband happy...in order to not be rejected, abandoned, and whatnot. Beware of self-fulfilled prophecies...basically empowering our fears so much that it controls our daily decisions in how best to avoid being hurt and rejected...that it in fact spurs on making our worst fears actually occur. Your constant looking to feel value through the eys of your husband and not be rejected...is going to cause your behavior to be clingy, needy, a demerit to your respect value...not just in your eyes, but in his eyes as well.
At the same time, a growing resentment is building because of what you see as a disproportionate balance of family responsibility. You work hard...your husband works hard. But at family together times...he shuts down and you still have work to do...and feel judged because you aren't aligning with his ideal physical form. Yeah...this can't go on.
Best thing to do is redirect the esteem that you try to draw from your husband. If you don't have that for yourself...then it doesn't matter if he thinks you are a sexual goddess...you must plug into that on your own. You must have a new image in your mind concerning yourself...or you will act, behave, and set the tone for inviting others to treat you with lesser value. It flows at a unconscious level almost. Size 10 to me is hot...so I'm not sure what the big deal is...but you may not be cool with that. But regardless of size, fitness level...it is far too an arbitrary thing to base your value from...and if HE actually is withholding affection based on your size...then that is HIS ISSUE, not yours. But you make it your issue when you receive that criticism...it almost is a marriage death trap when you rely on pleasing someone who will not be pleased. Reverse it by stepping into a new identity based on your true inherent worth...and start making healthy decisions that are the best for your family...AND NOT at a cost to you. No more needless sacrificing. You start living and acting like someone with value...not needing to cling to his every word...step into your ideal you...live it, dream, it, imagine it...and you will align your life to it...and trust me...he will stat looking at you differently and go out of his way to win our heart...that is if he still is invested into the relationship. If you do all these things...and he still pulls away...then a confrontation is in order.


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## klev808 (Jun 9, 2013)

Tall Average Guy,
I was probably not completely clear about our lives. I have only been a stay at home mom for 1.5 years. Yet I have always done 90% of the work. I never have the opportunity to sit and watch Tv. I am not asking him to take over chores... I am asking him to participate with me in order to help create a relationship. So instead of cooking being a chore.. it becomes a time of us talk and enjoy each other's company. I mention the morning because he goes into work soooo much earlier than necessary and my kids miss him. I understand your thinking that I am contradicting myself.... but honestly as stay at home mom, I don't have time to Play with my kids as much as my husband. The demands of the house, carpooling, dr. appts....... really have not given my kids what I thought it would. Hence the feeling that earning money (less stress) and putting my kids in social environments would be better for them. 

We had an opportunity to talk last night. We decided to make a list of things we would like to do together. If the kids can be included then they will but the focus will be us. 

This is all stuff I believe that we can work on.... we talk.. we talk well. Follow through is sometimes tough but that is part of marriage. We get that.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think it would be helpful for you to read the 5 love languages. For men, respect and admiration is often a major love language, as well as physical touch. He seems to be working so hard for your family, and you seem to be complaining about it. For the record, complaining does not equal respect or admiration. And if he resents you for not appreciating what he's doing then he will find it hard to be attracted to you at any weight.....and as you can see, he will lash out.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

klev808 said:


> Tall Average Guy,
> I was probably not completely clear about our lives. I have only been a stay at home mom for 1.5 years. Yet I have always done 90% of the work. I never have the opportunity to sit and watch Tv.


Thanks for the clarification. But what about now? Your language still implies that you want him to do more like 50%, even though that seems to be part of your job. Are you resentful, and now want him to make up for it? 



> I am not asking him to take over chores... I am asking him to participate with me in order to help create a relationship. So instead of cooking being a chore.. it becomes a time of us talk and enjoy each other's company.


That is fine, but you list seems to complain about him not doing any chores (or at least those inside the home). Again, what about those on the outside? I would also note that he may not think doing chores together is a great way to bond. 



> I mention the morning because he goes into work soooo much earlier than necessary and my kids miss him. I understand your thinking that I am contradicting myself.... but honestly as stay at home mom, I don't have time to Play with my kids as much as my husband. The demands of the house, carpooling, dr. appts....... really have not given my kids what I thought it would. Hence the feeling that earning money (less stress) and putting my kids in social environments would be better for them.


But again, how can he win? You want him to be around your kids more, yet when he does play with them, he is to blame because you don't get to do that with them. Wouldn't your kids miss playing with Dad as well? Also, I don't know what his job is, but what is the basis for you saying he does not need to be there.

I do think that you are not happy as a SAHM mom right now. I get that because you reasoning for being mad at his actions seems to vary, while your anger is constant. That suggests that he may not be the full reason for that anger.

I may be that you need to get back to work. What I sense is your resentment over being stuck at home doing this work. You are not interacting with your kids like you want. Because of that, you are angry, regardless of what he does. 



> We had an opportunity to talk last night. We decided to make a list of things we would like to do together. If the kids can be included then they will but the focus will be us.
> 
> This is all stuff I believe that we can work on.... we talk.. we talk well. Follow through is sometimes tough but that is part of marriage. We get that.


Also consider whether all you do is really necessary. Prioritize what is required (feeding your kid), what is optional (vacuuming the floors every day) and what you want to do for your kids (play with them more). Then work to see if you can create a model for raising your kids that makes you happy. Get your husband involved. Make sure it includes time for both of you, as well as individual time. It may be that you do need to go back to work because being a SAHM does not make you happy. No shame in that. But if it is something that you think could benefit your kids, think through what you could do that might allow it to happen. Because both of you working is not likely to result in more free time for the two of you.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

How old are the kids? Is your house very big? My wife is a SAHM of 4, with two of them not in school yet. I know she has some down time after the laundry, the cleaning, feeding etc. Some of that might be due to changes we made to make the day easier for her (got a Roomba to do floors at night, use of paper plates, etc).


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## klev808 (Jun 9, 2013)

Brocklanders,
kids are 8 (with special needs), 5 and 2. House and yard work (I do all except mow) take up most of my day and everyday I try and do an activity to support my children's growth... including gymnastics, library time, swim lessons and my oldest does ice skating after school.


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## klev808 (Jun 9, 2013)

Tall Average Guy,
I appreciate your responses and understand that my husband works hard for our family. My goals in my original post was to show my gratitude for what he does and also to try and figure out ways to do more things together... believe me doing chores is not my way of spending quality time together but it was an idea to do things together and cut time in half. I don't want you to think I do not hold up my end of the bargain. I do... and I will do it from 6 in the morning to 8 at night without complaining but when it is 8 at night the sink is full and their is food all over the floor from the kids-- I become resentful my husband is watching a baseball game on tv. My day was just as long and just as hard.

The main reason for my post was because my husband states I am fat and need to do something about it. My fears are that I will never be good enough. In many ways you might be reiterating that. I am a strong hard working mom, I miss my job but I never felt good enough to get it ALL done... that is my issue. Now I need to carve out time for me and as stated before I dream of my first triathlon... BUT shouldn't I be able run that tri at a size 10 and not be fearful my husband is looking at my jiggle instead of my smile crossing the finish line.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

To the OP. 

My wife said many of the same things to me when she was home taking care of our boys. You sound burned out and appear to have lost your confidence. This is not just about your extra lbs. You are pleasantly plump in my book. I don't know if its justified, but it sounds like your husband has lost respect for you and is focusing on your weight. I regret to admit that I have done the same to my wife unsuccessfully. In her case she would tell me she was going to change her habits but never did due to her resentment towards me. She later admited that she was self sabotaging and using me as an excuse. Something to think about.

I suggest changing your situation and taking on a part time job. This will get you out of the house and help you find yourself again. It will also help your marriage if your husband is a reasonable man. The children will be fine if your careful about daycare selection and if its only part time you will still have time for them. Your husband will have to buck up and help but don't expect him to join you in the kitchen and start talking about his feelings. That's just a fantasy. You need to work on making yourself happier and more fulfilled. If you succeed you will be more attractive to your husband even at size 10. 

By the way, the statitistics for marriages that include a special needs child are not great and I'm wondering how much this is affecting your marriage? Most men do not handle this situation well and the full burden seems to fall on the mother.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

klev808 said:


> Tall Average Guy,
> I appreciate your responses and understand that my husband works hard for our family. My goals in my original post was to show my gratitude for what he does and also to try and figure out ways to do more things together... believe me doing chores is not my way of spending quality time together but it was an idea to do things together and cut time in half. I don't want you to think I do not hold up my end of the bargain. I do... and I will do it from 6 in the morning to 8 at night without complaining but when it is 8 at night the sink is full and their is food all over the floor from the kids-- I become resentful my husband is watching a baseball game on tv. My day was just as long and just as hard.


That is certainly a reasonable issue and one you need to bring up with him. He does need to take on work at home. I will just note that your changing reasoning for being angry indicates a more fundamental issue that you need to look into that you hit on in your next paragraph:



> The main reason for my post was because my husband states I am fat and need to do something about it. My fears are that I will never be good enough. In many ways you might be reiterating that. I am a strong hard working mom, I miss my job but I never felt good enough to get it ALL done... that is my issue. Now I need to carve out time for me and as stated before I dream of my first triathlon... BUT shouldn't I be able run that tri at a size 10 and not be fearful my husband is looking at my jiggle instead of my smile crossing the finish line.


You need to be happy about yourself and not rely on him. One possibility that has been raised is that your husband is a jerk. Certainly something to consider, but not one you can do much about. 

Another possibility is that your unhappiness has changed you in a way that he does not understand, so he lashes out at what he can. Likely? Probably not. But it is one that you can change for your betterment. So work on getting happy for yourself. Not him, but because you want to be happy about your life. Start training for the triathlon. Make some time for yourself. Get him to step up - and if he does not, stop doing stuff for him. If he is not willing to do dishes, no need to have dinner ready for him. Make clear that you are his partner, not his maid or mother.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Contra TAG, I think teamwork over cooking meals and cleanup etc is an excellent idea. This was the model advocated by the MC we had. 

Its much healthier for our marriage and a better role model for our children to see us working together in a natural way than to have mom being the constant servant of all, bending and fetching.

My husband *and *children are MUCH more respectful toward me now than they were when I was the household servant.



> House and yard work (I do all except mow) take up most of my day and everyday I try and do an activity to support my children's growth...


Then you are doing way too much!

We got into that mode in my marriage too and what I did was just stopped being such a perfectionist and having such high standards. 

For me, this meant I stopped shovelling snow (which my husband did not do) and I stopped weed wacking (which my husband did not do). 

I would gun the car and "plow" through the snow, and tune out the 8 foot weeds. (((((((shrug)))))))

Lately, now that I am working outside the home too, I use a lot of convenience foods and I do not do his laundry anymore (he complained once too much about it not being done when he needed it )

You may need to lower your standards on how clean the house and yard are and how fancy the meals are.


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## whitecat (May 17, 2013)

My heart goes out to you. I think it's really cruel of your husband to make your physical appearance an issue. I am a size 12 and I have struggled with my weight a long time. I want to lose weight not just for me but for my husband because I want to be sexy for him and when I say things like I wish I weren't so fat, he would say you're not fat, you are voluptuously yummy. But he also encourages me to get healthy. We go to the gym together and I cook mostly healthy meals. It frustrates me sometimes that he can eat all the junk food in the world and not gain weight, and I eat healthy stuff and I struggle so hard. But my point is, if my husband treated me the way your husband treats you, I would be out the door. I would not put up with someone watching my plate and telling me flat out he is not attracted to me because of my weight.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

klev808 said:


> FYI he can eat anything and everything, has high blood pressure and probably has 10% body fat.


His criticism may come back to bite him someday. "Karma" in TAM-speak.

High Blood Pressure, Medication, and Erection Problems


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