# Illiterate husband can't find a job!



## hismrs959 (Sep 14, 2010)

I love my husband so much. He's so sweet and respectful and we treasure our marriage so much. We have a simple dream of having our own little house and having kids. He's going to make a fantastic dad someday!

The problem is my husband is illiterate. He can't read or write above maybe a first grade level, and that's if he concentrates. He has ADHD and dyslexia. We can't afford to see someone to get him meds and into reading classes. He can't even spell his own middle name. As you can imagine, he is extremely insecure about it. 

When we met he had a good job in a warehouse but he quit/got fired because of safety violations. He was young and careless. He regrets it so bad now because he can't find a job anymore! He was so incredibly lucky to have found that job because it was mostly operating the machinery, it paid 17/hr, lots of overtime and benefits, and he was very good at it. That was 4 years ago. It was hard enough to land that job, now the sour economy has made it impossible. I supported us (just barely) for two years but eventually I was laid off and we were forced to move in with parents. I'm having trouble finding a job now as well.

It's so depressing that we are basically wasting our days just sleeping, eating, moping around the house and looking for jobs and filling out applications. I feel like we're just waiting to die and we'll never have even a cruddy little shack to call our own and we'll never et to start a family. 

I am hoping to land a seasonal job now that stores are getting ready for the holidays, but I've already decided to start a 2 year computer programming program at the local college. I can't put it off any longer, I have to get it done so I can support us. 

I just feel so depressed. And you can only imagine how my husband's male ego must feel. And he wants kids so bad, but I told him "I'm sorry but until you get a job, I refuse to let that happen. It will only make things worse" I just have no idea what to do anymore except keep on keeping on, but it still feels pretty hopeless  

I just want us to be able to start living our life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Hi hismrs

don't despair! I can see enough structured, clear-sighted analysis in your post to make me think you won't be down for ever.

Just briefly: try to get out of this slough of despond by turning job-hunting into...a full-time job with hours and routines to match. If you live in a town or city there may be self-help and mutual support groups for unemployed people. It could be that, as well as finding leads to jobs, becoming involved in helping others will begin to restore your battered self-respect. 

I've been in a similar rock-bottom predicament and my solution was to seek work that just about nobody else would consider. I got a job. It was a lousy job but sufficient to get me back into the habit of work and that made me feel a lot better about myself. Maybe a similar strategy will work for you?

As for hubby's dyslexia, many highly-talented people have similar problems. Here in the UK our welfare services and a number of charities work to help dyslexic people; maybe that's true in the US too? I get the impression that US churches fill a lot of the roles we Brits expect the govt to fulfill. If your churches are very active in broad welfare issues such as free basic literacy classes maybe that's the place to start looking?

I wish you well!


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Two of my children had dyslexia, so I know how your husband must have felt in school. But one thing many people don't realize that it takes intelligence just to navigate through the years of school and into the job while hiding the handicap of illiteracy. So, when we were leading our children through the re-education needed to overcome dyslexia, we found that there are many reading homeschool courses for the computer geared towards children, and we used these very patiently with our children until their ability to interpret the characters set in. 

My wife worked with a friend to use our material to help her husband learn to overcome his inability to read. He was likely suffering from attention deficit disorder, but definately dyslexia. The biggest challenge was just to get him to be willing to try, but his motivation was an impending test for his job. His primary goal was just to gain enough literacy to keep his job, which he did. For him, the key to seeing it as an attainable goal was when we convinced him that he did not have to make up 12 years of study, but just enough to read basic instructions.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There are loads of classes available free online from kindergarten all the way through GED and CLEP prep courses. Lots of kids homeschool or struggle with studies and need a little boost. My wife had ADHD and Dyslexia as a kid. She has a Masters in Education and teaches, now. She found a way to compensate. I'll ask her for some tips when she gets home from work. Meantime, I found this site that might help.

Free Online Homeschool Courses


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Depression is not always a bad thing. Its really good that you dont feel good in this situation. Depression can be the motivator. it will drive you to find a solution. if you did feel good in this situation then there'd be something to worry about. 

You do sound very intelligent. but it also sounds like your taking on your H's burdens, too. I think you should set his issues aside for now and focus on what you can control- you. make a realistic plan of small goals that will help you get to your ultimate goal of a house and kids. going back to school is a great start.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you are in the US, go to United Way and find your local chapter. Go to them to get him help.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

There are websites and online classes that are free that can assist your husband in learning to read. Often, if you look around your area, you can find a local adult tech or vocational school, or a GED training site, that will offer free or extremely low cost classes in learning to read. 

As for the ADHD...both of my sons have that. How bad are the symptoms? If they are not too severe, there are things he can do to try to help overcome that without medication or therapy. Things such as organizational skills, like making lists and notes to keep him on track and remind him of things he needs to do, utilizing a computer calendar to remind him of appointments and things to be done, meditation and deep breathing to help with concentration and focus. 

Dyslexia is not something I have any experience with, so I'm afraid I have no useful advice there. 

The only other thing I have to say is that I notice you say you have to take this class, so that you can support the both of you. While I understand your frustration, I also think that taking all of the load on yourself is a mistake. Encourage your husband to see help for his issues, encourage him to keep looking for work, encourage him to believe in himself. Feeling that you must support the both of you, and expressing this, not only will make him feel worse, but could eventually lead to him giving up altogether and just sitting back to let you support the both of you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Talked to Obi Wife Kinobi and the wise one agreed with my suggestion of the free on-line material but she also reminded me that most counties (assuming you're American) have free adult basic education classes. Your local department of education should be able to help. Can't believe I forgot the most obvious resource. I think the Dept of Human Services for your state could also point you in the right direction. 
I'd also like to point out there is obviously a huge need for labor in America and most of those entering illegally to fill that need lack what we would consider basic education skills. A roofing contractor or painting contractor cares less about reading and writing and more about getting to work on time and hustling. Some of these jobs pay fairly well. I just paid a guy $1000 for a couple days work at my home, removing stumps. Yes, he had a couple pieces of specialized equipment, but I have no idea if he could read or write and I really didn't care, neither did my two neighbors that also hired him. The man was obviously a good worker, showed up on time, gave great service, and cleaned up after himself. If he can postpone the baby dream a while, sock back a little money for equipment, he could go into business for himself and do quite well.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

There is a program designed by Roberta Pournelle the wife of Jerry Pournelle a well known science fiction writer. Mrs and Mr. Pournelle believe that this can teach anyone to read. 

She writes "Many parents have written to me describing their particular problems and asking for help. I often reply by sending a very quick dyslexia test. When their student passes that test with flying colors we know there is a very high probability of success with TLC. No guarantees, but the field testing was very impressive."

Take a look at the site Reading TLC  (Windows Available), if you think it will work, email me back channel.

Good luck,

Mark


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## hismrs959 (Sep 14, 2010)

Thank you everyone so much for you replies and suggestions, I am definately going to try all of them! And you're right, I know I shouldn't try to take all the burden, it's just my oldest child syndrome kicking in. I'm so used to always being the one to step up and take control for fear that if I don't, everything will fall apart. 

Time to talk to the Mister. I know he feels like he always hits dead end roads so he never gets his hopes up. He's had more tutors than you can imagine. In high school, they didn't know what else to do with him so they put him in the special education classes where they taught the same things every year. His parents refused to put him on any kind of medication for his ADD so I sometimes wonder if that would have made the difference. I've noticed he can slowly read simple sentences but quickly almost instantly forgets everything. Maybe when we begin to get back on our feet we can see a doctor for meds. I just can't imagine going through life not being able to read better than kindergartener. He's great at everything else, you would never know he had a reading disability just by talking to him. He's like Ben Affleck's character in Pearl Harbor except that he can't write and read love letters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Has he ever considered woodworking? I'm setting up a business in a building that has an antique store there. There are three guys who do nothing but fix old furniture, and bring it back to glory. What an awesome thing to do!


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## CrystalBright (May 10, 2014)

Oh my gosh, you and I are in just about the same situation. My husband also suffers from ADHD and his reading and writing skills are probably that of a 1st to 2nd grader. I was so patient with it because he had a great job making awesome money. Since things seemed stable we got married. 

For some reason, after we got married he never respected my opinions or concerns. For example, he trusted his boss and really felt that they were the best of friends and would do anything for him. His boss asked him to look over his ex-wife because she had some drinking and drug issues. I told him not to do this and that his boss is basically taken advantage of him. I also explained that this is very personal and his boss should take it into his own hands and not give the task of babysitter to his employee. He didn't listen. I even told him exactly how this situation would end up and how he will be the one suffering. I told him that she is bitter and will do anything to hurt her ex-husband because she is still in love with him and his boss must still be in love too, otherwise he wouldn't be bothered with her. I told him it's going to end badly because she could end up telling his boss that they had sex or something inappropriate happened and who do you think he would believe. I explained it wouldn't be him, he will believe the ex-wife. Basically, it happened and it was exactly what I said would happen. The boss's ex was angry with her ex-husband and wanted to hurt him and decided to leave a message on the answering machine in the main office that she slept with him. I've been cheated on before with ex-boyfriends and I never got the impression or feeling that my husband actually cheated on me, he was basically put in the middle of this drama. Like I told him, he would be effected and of course his boss fires him. 
Ever since he got fired, he basically has given up. He uses every excuse in the book to explain why he can't find a job. He'll say that he can't find a job because of his reading and writing skills, He can't find a job because his boss or the people at his old job are keeping him from getting a job. It's always something. However, here is the thing, he doesn't even try. Never has he gone out and actually went to different places to see who's hiring, get an application, or just to see if there is something out there. He just plays video games.

I've tried to help him find a job, but something always seems to happened. One time, I found a place that was hiring for a machinist. He said he always wanted to do something like this. This was the perfect opportunity. I asked him to stay home and get some sleep since he had to be up early, but no he decided to go to a friends house. On his way, he tried not to hit a dog in the street, ended up hitting a curb and completely bent the wheels and couldn't drive our only car. For some reason, I think he is lying and did it on purpose. He wasn't really upset about it, he was like oh well, stuff happens. That's not how he acts when he is upset about missing something he really wanted. 

I'm trying to be patient, but it's been 6 years. He sleeps all day and stays up all night playing video games. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. He won't clean the house, he doesn't know how to cook, and doesn't want to keep the yard looking decent. He tells me to hire someone to do the yard work. WTF! really! I'm losing patience. I'm so unhappy and I thought he loved me. I can't imagine someone who cares about another person is ok with watching that person suffer. I told him if he could at least keep the house clean and organized it helps take a little pressure off me, but he doesn't. I work from home and if he is up during the day, he will yell and scream while playing his video games. I have to keep stopping my work to tell him to keep it down and try to keep it professional since sometimes I have meetings and calls coming. 

I feel like I'm more of his mother, than his wife. At least, I'm his wife when it's convenient. I try to be encouraging because I see that he can accomplish some great things if he really wanted to. I think people can always improve, but if he doesn't want to what can I do. I've told him that he needs to get his priority straight because right now it's all about video games. He has even yelled at me for interrupting him while playing his games. He has also gotten upset with me because he says I nag. I tell him the only reason I nag is because things are not changing and I only see a life of unhappiness for me. I'm so stressed at trying to keep it all together. 

I feel like he has given up and he is dragging me down. I've been so patient, but I don't know how long I can do this. At least, your husband tries, mine doesn't. I fooled me into thinking he would never be this type of person because I told him from the beginning that I've always been scared to get married because I didn't want to be in a situation like this. I didn't want to end up like my grandparents. 
My grandfather refused to work, unless it was for himself. Never helped with the family monetarily or emotionally, only helped himself. I never understood why she put up with it. He would be gone most of the year and just pop back in for a month or two and disappear again. All they did was argue about money and how he is not helping her. She never got the chance to retire because she could never save any money for herself. He would steal it for alcohol or she would need to pay for something to keep things going. That's like my husband and me. We argue all the time about the same things over and over again, with no changes. I can't help but feel that this all it will be. 

He says that he wants to start a business, but he has no clue of what it takes. I explained you need to understand the things you are signing and to be organized but thinks he can do it. He's like I can hire someone to do the paperwork, but how do you hire someone if you have no money to pay them? I know that if we did have a business, it will all be my responsibility. He will just sit there and command everyone to do what he tells them and take credit, even though I'm the one doing it all. This is why I refuse to start a business with him. 

I'm sorry, I just keep going on and on. I really needed to vent! I have no one to talk to about this. I'm so unhappy, I don't know if it's worth it.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Holy Hijack Batman!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Holy Hijack Batman!


How does a new poster even find a 4 year old thread?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

hismrs959 said:


> And he wants kids so bad, but I told him "I'm sorry but until you get a job, I refuse to let that happen. It will only make things worse"


Smart move on your part.

So if it was up to your husband, even though you're both unemployed and living with parents, he'd go right ahead and bring children into this?

If so he's not only illiterate but he's prone to very poor judgement and decision making. Given that he lost his job due to (repeated) safety violations, you're going to have to deal with some of his issues, they're going to affect you to some degree for a long time to come.

*Edited to add*
_
Damn I can't believe I posted to a necroed thread._


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> How does a new poster even find a 4 year old thread?


My guess is they do an internet search on a phrase having to do with relationship problems and they get hits that include threads from obscure internet relationship forums. 

They don't look at the dates, they don't read the rules, they just jump right in and start telling their story. 

Forum etiquette is the last thing on their minds and I guess you can't really blame them all that much.


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