# Wife's Affair



## toddbas (Feb 13, 2015)

I posted this question on the infidelity thread but all i'm getting is silly and immature responses that aren't even answering my question. If you read this and want to do the same, do us both a favor and let the rest of us have an adult discussion please: 

Will keep this as simple as possible while still providing enough info. My wife works remotely from home but travels from time to time to company HQ for a few days to up to a week. We'd been having problems for a while and were working on things and they were/are progressing nicely. I think we're going to be just fine in the end. Her last trip to HQ about 2 months ago, I found out she had sex with someone, which wasn't shocking because I just about gave her a "hall pass" so she could figure out some stuff. I'm not even so angry about what she did. Here's the problem. It was someone she works with and has to have frequent contact with. She also lied about who it was because she knew I would have a problem with who she chose to do this with. They'd both been having problems in their marriages and had planned it for a while. While not so angry about the act itself (hurt yes, but angry no), I think her choice of who was a bit reckless. Now, she says that they agreed it would be a one time thing, that she learned a lot and one of those things she learned is that she is committed to me and our marriage. I believe her. But, deep down, I'm worried that she still has contact with this person frequently....and...she'll be travelling to HQ again in a few weeks relating to a big project she's leading. I know for sure this man will be there and that work related contact will have to continue as long as she is in this role.

Now, I'm not saying I've made a decision but I'm looking for the thoughts of others. She has a great career, is top-notch in every way and a very high achiever (she actually out-earns me greatly). My question is: What are everyone's thoughts on telling her that I would like her to either leave the company, or change jobs within the company that would preclude any further work-related contact with this man??


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I don't think you are being unreasonable wanting her to change jobs or go to a different department. Now it is your wife's turn to show you just how much she is committed to her marriage...even if it means working for another company.

Since the guy she slept with works with her, he will be a constant reminder & possible distraction to getting your marriage on track. She has to let all of that go & show you just how important you are to her.

So, no, I don't think you are being ridiculous by asking her to get a different job or go to a department where she will not be in contact with that guy.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I just posted on your other thread.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Normally I would say it was reasonable, but in your scenario I'm having a harder time feeling sympathy for your position. You "gave her a hall pass" but now you think she should give up her job because you don't like her particular choice of romp? I feel kind of like this is the bed you made for yourself.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Ok, so you gave her a hall pass and let her slide this one time. You both seem fine with it so I won't bulge into that issue.

The problem I am having is that a hall pass, if given, should have had boundaries to it. As in, the one person can have sex with a random person, not someone they have some type of emotional attachment to. There really is no telling how this will play out. She already lied about who she slept with so it is very easy to lie about 'how many times she plans on sleeping with him.' It is safe to assume that she has had an emotional attachment to this co-worker and with the green light made it physical as soon as possible. 

You have every right now to be concerned about this guy and where she works. However, making her change careers or companies may backfire as it may cause arguments, tension, and resentment. Like the above poster said, it really is hard to have sympathy for you. You basically gave her the green light to f*ck a co-worker that she likes. Telling her to quit her job is reasonable but may damage the marriage even more.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You have to find a way to contact his wife but do not tell yours.
You will find out by your wife's reaction if you should r or not.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> I just posted on your other thread.


Ditto.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You might have given her a hall pass but you also say she admitted that they had been planning this for "a while". So she's the type of person who actually contemplates cheating before addressing the issues at hand.

I think it's time for a heart-to-heart where you express your concern and your need for a clean start, sans cheating partner. I would assume there are concessions you need to make to her as well since something has been missing from your marriage.

Read the reconciliation threads. A few things are necessary for true healing. It seems that true remorse and transparency are key and I'm not sure she's giving you those.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Cheating by definition involves lying.
Therefore you cannot believe that a) it was a one time thing b) she is committed to your marriage. Therefore expectiing her to quit her job to back up the truthfullness of statement a) and / or b) i a very good idea.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think you don't get to make this call. You gave her a pass.... she took it. You don't approve of whom she chose. Too late. You gave her a pass. 

I can see why you'd want to tho. But, won't you have the same worry if she did find another job? Won't you worry that she will boink someone there.... even if "it doesn't mean anything"? 

I think...go to marriage counseling. Request transparency. Work on "the health of the marriage", not on what she did to you. You gave her a pass.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

toddbas said:


> Now, she says that they agreed it would be a one time thing, that she learned a lot and one of those things she learned is that she is committed to me and our marriage.
> 
> 
> I believe her. But, deep down, I'm worried that she still has contact with this person frequently....and...she'll be travelling to HQ again in a few weeks relating to a big project she's leading.
> ...


Either she is committed or she is not.

Either you believe her and trust her or you do not.

Let her stay and you will find out the truth of her commitment and the suitability of your trust.

Do you want to live in fear and be her warden? What kind of marriage is that?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you gave her a hall pass with no boundaries....

It's not reasonable to demand that she leave her job. Btu it is reasonable to take back the hall pass and let her know that you are not comfortable with her working with this guy now.

Either she will take it upon herself to change jobs, or not. But either way, your issue is not the OM. It's whether or not she is going to commit 100% to the marriage. Only time and her future actions will tell you that.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

tod, i will repeat myself because i think you really have not thought this out completely...and for the record my respond to your other thread was no less immature then the question you ask.

You gave her a hall pass, you obviously did not tell her who she could or could not sleep with, regardless of her decision she made, you really have no grounds to be hurt or angry. As to the second part of the question, if she told you it was a one time thing, then you need to trust her or not trust her, if it is the latter then to be honest the question is moot and you need to re-look at your marriage, if the former then you have hope she does the right thing and is honest with you. and as a side note, you can't call it an affair if you know about it and gave her permission. It becomes an affair is she does not tell you about it.

The immaturity comes with not thinking this out completely and blaming others for you lack of approach to your wife and situation.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'd like to add that the whole 'hall pass' thing doesn't make it right. She didn't have to take advantage of it. It's still a violation of the marital contract. No, OP can't hold it over her head due to the 'hall pass' but it's still not right.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like you made a conscious, almost cold-blooded choice to have your wife sleep with another man. You project the image of a man who thinks he is acting deliberately and with maturity.

I, however, don't see this as mature at all. From your other thread, it looks like the man she chose is married. If this is correct, the two of you have consciously been the interlopers in the marriage of the OM's wife. I doubt very much that either of you cares at all about what you have potentially done to that woman's life.

All you care about is whether your W should continue to work with her OM. The short answer is 'no.' The better answer is that the two of you should stop deliberately setting out to destroy other people's marriages.

(Again, if the OM is single, then you have other problems...)


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I think the op's refusal to share the background of why he gave her a hall pass is interesting.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> I think the op's refusal to share the background of why he gave her a hall pass is interesting.


Providing half the story and getting the answers he wants is awfully difficult. I'm thinking the hall pass was a response to indiscretion on his part.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

OP, everyone is bring up the hall pass, because this is the very thing that robbed you of your leverage and may have started a precedent that you may not had accounted for, especially when she chose to redeem her pass onto a coworker that she sees frequently.

Having said that, I think if you are both equally committed to the marriage, that you both must do what it takes to clean up the current mess as well as fix what was already broken. Just be prepared for ramifications (insecurity on your part & and loss of respect on her part).

Honestly, these ought to be addressed with marital counseling. As for her employment, part of me feels like it would be unfair to expect her to leave since you gave consent...but I don't know the stipulations of said hall pass...or did you sorta expect her to pursue a one night stand with a stranger? In any case, I feel it would be beneficial if she did leave the job...but as I see it, a good litmus of her commitment to the marriage is if she agrees for the sake of your relationship and future that ending her employment is preferable.

If you make said request and she decides to stay...then you may have lost the war. I don't know what was going on that led to the hall pass...I assume there have been a drop in intimacy and lots of unshared time. 

I'd do marriage counseling, an agreed new set of rules/boundaries for the marriage, change in jobs or life situations that keep you apart, new goals, and a complete overhaul in lifestyle.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

A "hall pass" has no place in a marriage. 

If my W had given me a hall pass that would have confirmed to me that she neither valued me nor respected me. 

Is this supposed to be some new progressive and enlightened response to marital problems?


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

Ceegee said:


> A "hall pass" has no place in a marriage.
> 
> If my W had given me a hall pass that would have confirmed to me that she neither valued me nor respected me.
> 
> Is this supposed to be some new progressive and enlightened response to marital problems?


It's some snake oil cooked up for people who watch too many HBO specials about swingers and open marriages.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

OP reminds me a little of some people I know who think they have a very "progressive" approach to sex and relationships but just use that to cover up all their insecurity, fear of commitment, etc. Putting down anyone who disapproves of the hall pass as "immature" etc., as though the "mature" approach is to not care if your wife sleeps with other people, to pretend you are above the normal human emotions of jealousy and possessiveness, as though monogamy is some arbitrary construction and doesn't serve a purpose.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am not sure I understand the problem.

First of all there is this really important quote at the start of your post:



toddbas said:


> We'd been having problems for a while and were working on things and they were/are progressing nicely. *I think we're going to be just fine in the end.*


Then there was this really understanding (but slightly vague) quote from you:



toddbas said:


> Her last trip to HQ about 2 months ago, I found out she had sex with someone, which wasn't shocking because *I just about gave her a "hall pass" *so she could figure out some stuff. *I'm not even so angry about what she did*.


And then there was this vague description of the "problem" you seem to have with it although I don't fully understand why:



toddbas said:


> It was someone she works with and has to have frequent contact with. She also lied about who it was because *she knew I would have a problem with who she chose to do this with.* They'd both been having problems in their marriages and *had planned it for a while*. While not so angry about the act itself (hurt yes, but angry no), I think her choice of who was a bit reckless.


I don't understand why you have a problem with this particular choice of bed partner and you even say you're not angry, just hurt - which baffles me. My main question is why you think it was reckless to sleep with this guy and not anyone else.

Nevertheless, you presented your own solution to your concern in your next part of the quote (which should be good enough for you since you do believe her):



toddbas said:


> Now, she says that they agreed it would be *a one time thing*, that she learned a lot and one of those things she learned is that *she is committed to me* and our marriage.* I believe her*.


But then you contradict your belief in her by saying this and what I think it implies:



toddbas said:


> But, *deep down, I'm worried* that *she still has contact with this person* frequently....and...she'll be travelling to HQ again in a few weeks relating to a big project she's leading. I know for sure this man will be there and that work related contact will have to continue as long as she is in this role.


She told you it was a one time thing and you said (to us) that you believed her. So what is the problem? Even if he is still around.



toddbas said:


> Now, I'm not saying I've made a decision but I'm looking for the thoughts of others. *She has a great career, is top-notch in every way and a very high achiever (she actually out-earns me greatly).* My question is: What are everyone's thoughts on telling her that *I would like her to either leave the company, or change jobs within the company that would preclude any further work-related contact with this man??*


Why on God's earth would you want her to leave her great and financially rewarding (not just for her but for you too) job????

Why are you concerned about her working with this guy? Do I understand that the hall pass was for just one fvck right? Or does she misunderstand it to be open for whenever she chooses ? In that case simply make it clear that it was a one-time only pass.

Simple. Especially since you believe her when she assured you it was a one time thing and that you believe everything is going to be alright.

So I don't really see a major problem here. Am I missing something ?


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

My mature response is that you are unfair, controlling and manipulative if you impose or ask for any type of redress. If your wife went on A M and banged some random dude, then what? How could you trust her with guys she knows if she could so readily bang a complete stranger? Your scenario has no positive outcome. 

There is no right answer to your question because your question leaves out the biggest variable...you. Your question is premature. You must start with this, is it possible to satisfy a man who would give his wife a hall pass with the unspoken rule that she use it with the right person? Of course, "right person" shall remain undefined until the hall pass is used.

Given the minimal facts stated, the answer is, yes. it is unfair to request that she alter her life in any way. That you would give her a hall pass and that she would accept and use it are two things which scream out disfunction....loudly. work on those two first.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If you gave her a pass...then you can't cry about it later.

And..... I know this is not a popular thought, but its very possible that it was just sex. Lots of affairs are just sex. I know BS's don't always agree with that.... because sex between a committed couple isn't just sex. But affair sex certainly can be. 

So the whole job question is up to her...you can ask, but I don't think you can hold it against her if she says no she won't quit. 

Besides, OM is not the problem.... your wife is. Partly because she went out and had sex with another guy (which says something about her, you and the marriage), and partly because she must on some level be thinking "how could he give me permission to go fool around? Doesn't he love me?"


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

The concept of the hall pass is completely foreign to me. 

So I googled the rules and came across this. 

http://aaronram.blogspot.com/2011/08/hall-passkeeping-relationships-fresh.html?m=1

According to "Aaron", you can't even ask who she had relations with. 

In addition, since you both agreed to the hall pass, you can't call it cheating. This means "Wife's Affair" is an inaccurate title. 

You really don't have a leg to stand on here.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Hall Pass?

Look - either there is monogamy, or there is not. With or without consent.

If your marriage is NOT monogamous, that itself is with or without consent. You are the only one who knows the anser to these, OP. 

Personally, I just don't get the whole "hall pass" thing. Other than being some cute little theme for a non-real thing like a movie, I think it's complete BS.

I think Decorum hit it out of the park a few posts back...


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

toddbas said:


> I posted this question on the infidelity thread but all i'm getting is silly and immature responses that aren't even answering my question. If you read this and want to do the same, do us both a favor and let the rest of us have an adult discussion please:
> 
> Will keep this as simple as possible while still providing enough info. My wife works remotely from home but travels from time to time to company HQ for a few days to up to a week. We'd been having problems for a while and were working on things and they were/are progressing nicely. I think we're going to be just fine in the end. *Her last trip to HQ about 2 months ago, I found out she had sex with someone, which wasn't shocking because I just about gave her a "hall pass" so she could figure out some stuff. *I'm not even so angry about what she did. Here's the problem. It was someone she works with and has to have frequent contact with. She also lied about who it was because she knew I would have a problem with who she chose to do this with. They'd both been having problems in their marriages and had planned it for a while. While not so angry about the act itself (hurt yes, but angry no), I think her choice of who was a bit reckless. Now, she says that they agreed it would be a one time thing, that she learned a lot and one of those things she learned is that she is committed to me and our marriage. I believe her. But, deep down, I'm worried that she still has contact with this person frequently....and...she'll be travelling to HQ again in a few weeks relating to a big project she's leading. I know for sure this man will be there and that work related contact will have to continue as long as she is in this role.
> 
> Now, I'm not saying I've made a decision but I'm looking for the thoughts of others. She has a great career, is top-notch in every way and a very high achiever (she actually out-earns me greatly). My question is: What are everyone's thoughts on telling her that I would like her to either leave the company, or change jobs within the company that would preclude any further work-related contact with this man??


Not sure the whole "hall pass" thing should even be in this thread.

OP found out about it AFTER. He says he "...just about gave her a hall pass...".

I don't understand, I guess. When a spouse cheats they are, by definition a cheater.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I am NOT going to live life with a cheater. With someone who makes a grave mistake and makes it right - maybe - but not a cheater...


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> Not sure the whole "hall pass" thing should even be in this thread.
> 
> OP found out about it AFTER. He says he "...just about gave her a hall pass...".
> 
> ...


What you write makes sense, I guess there is a feeling that the hall pass makes it more complex...similar to a willing "cuckhold" situation, but yeah ultimately it is infidelity...but I don't think the wife should be entirely branded the big red A when her tryst was basically consensual with husband.

In short, everyone needs counseling.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

In one hand, if you tell her that she needs to quit her job, or at least get transferred, the hall pass seems to have consequences, so it would seem like a hall pass at all.

In other hand, I believe you didn't set ground rules about it (non related person, one time thing, brutal truth), you can tell her that this is affecting you more than you though and you needs thuis changes in other to heal.

Explain to her that every time she lies, like not telling who was the AP, you get hurt more and more.

Notice that NC is a must to heal from an affair, this is not exactly your case but NOT between them will give you some peace.

IMO the most destructive part about Affairs are the lies told, be careful.

Conclusion, let her know how your feel and that you trust her but you need this changes, explain that you are not concerned about the hall pass but the effects you are experiencing.

One question: If she refuses to chenge the job or get tranfered, it is a deal breaker?

If yes let her know about it.

Good luck


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

He gave her a hall pass. Stupid, yes. But that's not the problem. She didn't even cash it in yet. She had an affair/sex with someone she had been pursuing. There was already sexual tension. A hall pass and an OK to to have sex with someone you work with and had been flirting with for months are two different things. This is an affair. It's not a one-time thing. She used your "hall pass" come clean on her affair.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Toddbas, do you love your wife or do you love what she is. You seem to put more emphasis on her job than on who she is. Unlike most men, most women do not solely identify themselves with their jobs. They have many roles and can find fulfillment in all of them at various points in their life. I see you don't want to discuss this "hall pass" but isn't it fairly germane to the discussion? My concern would be that you have rejected your wife by even suggesting or agreeing to this hall pass. Frankly if my wife mentioned a hall pass for me I would be outraged at the suggestion and indignant if I were chastised for my choice du jour. So unless you can provide us with more details I doubt you'll get any responses that will be of much use to you.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

If she cheated with you she will cheat on you, if you cheated first you lose the moral high ground to point the finger at her now.

She makes way more money then you do.

Its unlikely she can fix herself, and you have no leverage to fix her.

Its a terrible idea to let her stay if you want her avoid him.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

OP. With respect you are asking a very narrow question that has no simple answer. It's as if you've just wrapped your car around a telephone pole and asking the good folks of TAM what the proper tire pressure should be. There's a whole lot more going on.

~ Passio


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

toddbas said:


> I posted this question on the infidelity thread but all i'm getting is silly and immature responses that aren't even answering my question. If you read this and want to do the same, do us both a favor and let the rest of us have an adult discussion please:
> 
> Will keep this as simple as possible while still providing enough info. My wife works remotely from home but travels from time to time to company HQ for a few days to up to a week. We'd been having problems for a while and were working on things and they were/are progressing nicely. I think we're going to be just fine in the end. Her last trip to HQ about 2 months ago, I found out she had sex with someone, which wasn't shocking because I just about gave her a "hall pass" so she could figure out some stuff. I'm not even so angry about what she did. Here's the problem. It was someone she works with and has to have frequent contact with. She also lied about who it was because she knew I would have a problem with who she chose to do this with. They'd both been having problems in their marriages and had planned it for a while. While not so angry about the act itself (hurt yes, but angry no), I think her choice of who was a bit reckless. Now, she says that they agreed it would be a one time thing, that she learned a lot and one of those things she learned is that she is committed to me and our marriage. I believe her. But, deep down, I'm worried that she still has contact with this person frequently....and...she'll be travelling to HQ again in a few weeks relating to a big project she's leading. I know for sure this man will be there and that work related contact will have to continue as long as she is in this role.
> 
> Now, I'm not saying I've made a decision but I'm looking for the thoughts of others. She has a great career, is top-notch in every way and a very high achiever (she actually out-earns me greatly). My question is: What are everyone's thoughts on telling her that I would like her to either leave the company, or change jobs within the company that would preclude any further work-related contact with this man??





This is a minefield post there so many things wrong here that I don't know we're really to begin let's start with the obvious thing the hall pass. By definition in any relationship Hall Pass gives the other partner permission to sleep with who ever they choose and unless you say specifically who that person can and cannot be you have no grounds to criticize her choice of F-budy this mess is completely your fault for giving her that opportunity to do this in the first place now you asking how can you put the genie back in the bottle close Pandora's box and sorry to say there is no easy answers outside of her quitting her job or the other man quitting his job there really isn't much you can do..


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I don't know, bud.

Believe it or not, you just went against 1.4 million years of genetic behavioral hard wired response. I think you just opened up pandoras box, and your wife probably now thinks your a big pushover.

Give her all the rules you want, but she's going to nod and agree with a big smile on her face...then do exactly as she pleases.

This stuff is hard wired by evolution for a reason...protect and guarantee where your seed goes. Argue ths point all you want, but you can't erase genetic disposition by thinking it so.

You just demoted yourself to that monkey in the trees that doesn't get laid because he's the weakest of the unit. You may want to rethink your strategy.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Seems the general relationship crowd is just as silly and immature as the CWI crowd.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Seems the general relationship crowd is just as silly and immature as the CWI crowd.


Guess he'll just have to find a board of mature swingers to tell him what he wants to hear.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ceegee said:


> Seems the general relationship crowd is just as silly and immature as the CWI crowd.


Yeah. Life sucks when people don't tell you exactly what you want to hear.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

alphaomega said:


> Yeah. Life sucks when people don't tell you exactly what you want to hear.


your post is so much better when you look at the picture of Calvin that you have.

Seems like Calvin is actually yelling out this bit of wisdom.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Who gives a hall pass but yet has limitations on it? It's not like she slept with your brother


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Decorum said:


> If she cheated with you she will cheat on you, if you cheated first you lose the moral high ground to point the finger at her now.
> 
> She makes way more money then you do.
> 
> ...


OP

Read this over and over.....


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