# Why is it so hard



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Many of you know my story, I know in my mind I don't want someone who doesn't want me, etc. But why is it so hard to move forward and stop thinking about the other person. After all the stuff I've seen and heard in the last two months it should be easy, but it's not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Many of you know my story, I know in my mind I don't want someone who doesn't want me, etc. But why is it so hard to move forward and stop thinking about the other person. After all the stuff I've seen and heard in the last two months it should be easy, but it's not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because for some strange reason we still love them and we are in love with the person from the past and not the person they are now...

There is a difference between mourning the loss of a person and mourning the loss of the relationship and what separates these is the perspective on what you are mourning. 

Are you mourning this person that she is today or the person she was in the past? 

It is natural to miss what you once had, I miss it everyday.. It is a struggle to even carry on sometimes.. I know though that I do not want to be with this cheating woman. I deserve better and so do you.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I am mourning the relationship, and also the person she was, definitely not the person she is.

When I pick the kids up from her house, she seems oblivious to me, like she is so happy I'm not around anymore. It hurts
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Imagine that you had died while your marriage was healthy. Your wife would be sad and miserable. Would you, even in death, wish for your wife to be happy even if it meant that she found someone new and married? What if she had died instead? Would she want the same for you?

But neither of you died. Your marriage died. Don't you both deserve to be happy? I'm not ignoring the cause of the marriage death. But it is now the past. The past can not be changed no matter how hard we try, or want it to.

In time, you will forgive her and wish her happiness. Why? Because it's what YOU need. The time for you to focus on you is now. Seek your happiness. Search within you for the spirit that hasn't died and wants to live! Break out of the old you, because change is constant. Look at your body. It's not the same as when you were born, or as it was yesterday. Embrace change, and be a part of it.


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

For show.. she misses you because she care about what you think about her.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Her,
I guess it hurts so much because I'm still getting over my feeling about her, and she acts like what we had was nothing, I so badly wan to go back in time to hold her again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

P&W, grieving the loss of a marriage can sometimes be a lot harder than grieving the death of a loved one, especially when we percieve it happened before its due time. My Grandfather passed away suddenly a couple weeks ago, when I was younger I was very close to him. I was very sad, I cried very intensely for a few hours, it took over my thoughts for a few days and my heart went out to my mom and her family, but I came to acceptance, he was ready to pass on and his loved ones were ready too. The grief wasn't anything like losing my marriage, I wasn't close to ready for it.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Lon said:


> P&W, grieving the loss of a marriage can sometimes be a lot harder than grieving the death of a loved one, especially when we percieve it happened before its due time. My Grandfather passed away suddenly a couple weeks ago, when I was younger I was very close to him. I was very sad, I cried very intensely for a few hours, it took over my thoughts for a few days and my heart went out to my mom and her family, but I came to acceptance, he was ready to pass on and his loved ones were ready too. The grief wasn't anything like losing my marriage, I wasn't close to ready for it.


Sorry for you loss. I lost my grandmother four years ago and I know exactly what you mean. Thinking about that grieving period, I never felt my wife was there for me, and I never truly felt she "had my back". 

As much as our separations hurt, we need to reflect on where we are now compared to a month earlier. If you notice a difference for the better, overall, then good for you! If not, you might just need more time to grieve, but you should also get IC, read self-help books, and take more action to help you move forward. Take enough small steps and you will eventually end up in a different place.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> As much as our separations hurt, we need to reflect on where we are now compared to a month earlier. If you notice a difference for the better, overall, then good for you! If not, you might just need more time to grieve, but you should also get IC, read self-help books, and take more action to help you move forward. Take enough small steps and you will eventually end up in a different place.


True many of us can see/feel some improvement... but I still have the desire to have him back in the house and trying to R. It's not a NEED it's a Want... so on that I have improved. Our communication/engagement has gotten worse though. 

Question for all you DADS:
He asks his obligatory... how are the kids a few times a week but doesn't really want to hear about their coping/lack of coping and confusion of their dad no longer at home. So I just say "ok." I guess I am letting him off easy because if I tell them how they are doing he says I am trying to guilt him back into the house. I don't want to guilt him into anything... so I don't tell him unless he asks a direct question. Is that bad? I have one child who is now on meds because of huge mood issues and he asked why s/he was having a problem.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> Her,
> I guess it hurts so much because I'm still getting over my feeling about her, and she acts like what we had was nothing, I so badly wan to go back in time to hold her again
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I want some one that wants me to hold them and wants to hold me. I currently "have" some one that will let me hold them when I am around. I am not playing that BS anymore. All of me or none of me. No marriage=no deep friendship,nothing. I am not a mean person, but I will not play into her insecurities or disordered mind. 
I will exploit nothing.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> True many of us can see/feel some improvement... but I still have the desire to have him back in the house and trying to R. It's not a NEED it's a Want... so on that I have improved. Our communication/engagement has gotten worse though.
> 
> Question for all you DADS:
> He asks his obligatory... how are the kids a few times a week but doesn't really want to hear about their coping/lack of coping and confusion of their dad no longer at home. So I just say "ok." I guess I am letting him off easy because if I tell them how they are doing he says I am trying to guilt him back into the house. I don't want to guilt him into anything... so I don't tell him unless he asks a direct question. Is that bad? I have one child who is now on meds because of huge mood issues and he asked why s/he was having a problem.


If he left, he should see and know the result. 
My w
"Oh I am so concerned about the kids..." 
I was like hey, you have to deal with it,you wanted this. Many of her actions and speech make me think she feels guilty. She wants me to make it go away, not my job. 
I would never protect someone from the harm they have done. It doesn't matter if it was unintentional or selfish. They is no reason to use guilt as a weapon either. Just my opinion. I hope this was clear. Was it?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> But why is it so hard to move forward and stop thinking about the other person?


Because you allow it to be brother.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

She can act all she wants. But she knows there were good times. She can't show you that because it might give you false hope, and she would have to hurt you again.

You, on the other hand, can be thankful for the good times. She was a part of those. That's a gift that no one can ever take away.

Write down all the troubles you right now. Do it over several days if you have to. When you think you have them all listed, hug the list tight against your chest for a minute or more, then throw the list away. Why? The list does not define you. Let it go. Smile, and thank your God (spiritual, not religious) for the many good things you have received in the past including today, no matter how small. God (however you wish to define your god) does not make mistakes. God made you, and everything else. God wants you to re-invest in your spirit, and soar like you never have before. Don't live a half-lived life. It will disappoint you, and God.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Lon said:


> P&W, grieving the loss of a marriage can sometimes be a lot harder than grieving the death of a loved one, especially when we percieve it happened before its due time. My Grandfather passed away suddenly a couple weeks ago, when I was younger I was very close to him. I was very sad, I cried very intensely for a few hours, it took over my thoughts for a few days and my heart went out to my mom and her family, but I came to acceptance, he was ready to pass on and his loved ones were ready too. The grief wasn't anything like losing my marriage, I wasn't close to ready for it.


Absolutely spot on. To fill everyone in, I lost my mom to cancer just a month ago. I am ashamed to say that her passing was totally overshadowed by what going through this divorce is putting me through. And mine is a'good' divorce....I can only imagine the hell some people go through. If you want a sample, check out dadsdivorce.com.....that website contains stories from the depth of Hades.

Proud...the reason why it is so hard is you still have feelings (love) for your stbx, combined with the fact that you have been rejected and/or betrayed at the deepest emotional level.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Because it's a pattern. You haven't invented a new pattern of life yet. But you will, and then she'll be forgotten.

It's just a pattern in your brain. rewire it and forget.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

worrieddad said:


> Proud...the reason why it is so hard is you still have feelings (love) for your stbx, combined with the fact that you have been rejected and/or betrayed at the deepest emotional level.


I agree completely. Proud, you've had ups and downs. Remember the times you've felt good about yourself and took steps to move forward. Hold on when the times get rough... this is normal and part of the process... but always remember the power you have to change your focus, your thoughts, and take actions to snap out of things. That's empowering. Occasionally, you will also need to kick yourself in the a**. Part of the process too.

You have to snap out of the "woe is me" mindset, like everything is being done to you and you're a victim... and the "I'll never find someone as attractive as her" stuff you've been saying in other posts. That's all so superficial, and you don't what the future holds. You just need to make sure you do what you can to make it the best future possible.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

mama...my H says that each time I say anything about the kids or their needs or hurts "stop trying to guilt me about the kids....I left YOU not them" Funny he hasen't called not once to ask about the kids....never gave them a goodbye....hasent visited them....hasent really paid support and the little he has he complains and says I am draining him financially. Hmm sounds like he left them just as much as me. He has become for lack of a better word just plain evil in the way he wants to hurt me now.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

From what I see of Proud's wife, she is not that attractive. I would not be attracted to her if I knew what she did to him. Don't know why he is either.


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