# Blended family issues



## kayleejames94 (Dec 9, 2012)

My ex and I divorce several years ago. We have a 9 year old together who lives primarily with me. He has our daughter very other weekend. He remarried and has two other children with his current wife. I have addressed a few issues with but have failed to agree so I just wanted to get a second opinion

1. I asked him if could make time at least once a month to spend time with our daughter alone without his other kids. Initially he said yes but then (I am guessing after talking to his wife) he came back and said that he treats all his kids the same and he doesn't want his other kids to feel less special. This response kind of bothered me because he spends a lot of time with his other kids when our daughter is not with him. To add Salt to injury he is always posting on Facebook about all the activities he does with his other kids.

2. He other kids recently started school. They both go to a private school. Our daughter goes to a public school. I don't want our daughter to feel like she is not special, so I brought up the idea about moving her to the great private school. He was all for it until I mentioned that there was money involved, then he said that he could not afford it. I then said to him that I just want our daughter to be treated the same. His defense was that his wife works an extra shift once a month to pay for the other kids tuition because private school is important to her. I just don't feel like they treat my daughter the same and it bugs me that as she gets older she'll feel left out.

3. I want to go back to court to request an increase in child support. This will make up for the difference in lifestyle (for our daughter) between my house and her dad's. Can child support be adjusted based on the fact that his married now and their household income is more that it was when he was newly divorced and single. If you've ever been in a situation like this let me know how you handled it.

P.s. If there is anyone who is on the other side of a situation like this I would also like to hear you take on it.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Why should his wife have to pay for your child's private school? He said she works overtime to pay, so how will that be fair for her to work more to pay for your/his child. It's not fair for her. 

Is it really important that your child goes to private school? Is she complaining that she is being treated unfairly or this is something that you are being sensitive about? As mums we want the best for our kids. But should the new wife be made to pay?

You can always revisit child support. But I don't think child support is every going to be enough to equalized the differences between the two household.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

1.) You have a point but with her only being with him every other weekend it would/could create a riff with the other children and give the appearance of him leaving his family for his daughter during those times, etc. It's a crap situation without a good solution. Have you considered working together to increase the overnights he has the daughter you two share? Also, get off his Facebook page. Kind of creating your own issue there. He's with them 30 days a month. He's with his daughter you share an admitted 4-6 days a month from the sound of it. That's just simple math on why it looks/feels that way. When my ex was using mutual friends to FB stalk me I didn't post a thing about what DD and I were up to on my weeks. Yes, weeks. 50/50. 

2.) His wife is working an extra shift to cover that added cost. That's a decision they made. Are you asking him to front the whole shot? Or some court ordered portion? Are you picking up an extra shift?

3.) The only thing you may get a CS increase/decrease for is a change in his income. She is a legal stranger.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

If you want your daughter to have a closer relationship with her father, you're going to have to look into increasing the amount of time she spends with him. Excluding his other kids is not going to help. 

Are these your daughter's half siblings? If so, you should be encouraging a relationship between them and your daughter, too. Lessening the time she spends with them by insisting she have dad to herself will only disrupt the family dynamic. 

And no, you can't count his wife's income in figuring out child support. She has no obligation to support your child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

Also, avoid the temptation to view this as a competition. Your daughter does not have to have all the same things as her siblings. Her life is different from theirs. Nothing you can do will change that short of giving her to him and walking away forever. 

Your attitdue about the things she has will go a long way to shaping how she views them. She isn't going to feel un-special about going to public school unless you make it seem that way. If she asks, you just explain that they do what they do and you are doing what you think is best for her. Neither choice is better then the other, just different for different situations. Teach your daughter not to waste her energy comparing herself to others and she'll be much happier in the long run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Deleted


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Why should your ex husband pay you more for a difference in lifestyles? What are YOU doing to remedy that? Do you work? Why doesn't your husband have your daughter more? 50/50 would be much fairer to everyone - especially your daughter, and you could eliminate child support all together. 

You have no say in what goes on in their home. He is her father, he doesn't need your permission to make decisions for HIS child while she is with him.

My stepdaughters birth mum has sometimes sent lists of "requests" over here, they go straight in the bin. How we run our home is none of her business.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

PS - to YOU, your husbands kids are simply his "other children", but they are your daughters siblings.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're paying enough attention to your daughter (instead of her dad), she won't grow up feeling less than. If she knows she's loved, and if she doesn't see any of this jealousy you have toward their lifestyle, she should be just fine.

And why doesn't he have her more?


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

kayleejames94 said:


> He has our daughter very other weekend. He remarried and has two other children with his current wife.
> 
> 1. I asked him if could make time at least once a month to spend time with our daughter alone without his other kids. Initially he said yes but then (I am guessing after talking to his wife) he came back and said that he treats all his kids the same and he doesn't want his other kids to feel less special.
> 
> ...


Wow, there is so much here that I don't know where to begin.

You sound so much like my ex-wife who was constantly comparing our two kids with the other three that I have. She demanded many of the things that you are asking and took me to court over it. Bottom line is that she failed miserably and it cost her alot of money and nearly ruined her relationship with our two kids. They both rebeled violently against her in their teenage years, and only with the help and support of me and my wife were we able to help reconcile them to her (one ran away from home and the other was verbally abusive to her).

First, if you want your ex to spend more time with your daughter, you need to give him more time than just every other weekend. That is so unfair of you to request that he block off those few days just for her when she has other siblings involved. Eventually, your daughter will come to resent you for the potentially failed relationship with her father and her family (yes, they are her family, too).

Get off of the "Facestalk" and let him live his life and you live yours. You're only hurting yourself by doing this.

He already supports your daughter through child support (I assume that he must be current because you haven't said otherwise). It isn't his responsibilty to provide more support just because you want her to go to a private school. That would be on you to make the extra effort to make it happen.

It's not his place to make your household have the same lifestyle as he enjoys. They have a two-income household. You do, too, from his child support payments to you plus your ability to earn a wage. So, don't try to make it a level playing field because of his family situation. It's none of your business how much money their household has in comparison to yours any more than it's his business to know your financial status.

Please, for the best interest of your daughter, don't stick your nose into his life and feel resentful for what you don't have. You'll become bitter and will not be happy. Your daughter will suffer as a result. Accept things as they are and encourage more time such as 50/50 split between you and your ex with your daughter. Anything less is cheating her out of a relationship with her parent.


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## Willowglen (Sep 18, 2015)

Hi, some of the replies have been quite harsh and I am sure you have your Daughters best interest in mind. I don't feel it is fair to ask him to spend alone time just with your Daughter. She needs to bond with her siblings also. You don't want her siblings(1/2 siblings if u like the term, I hate it). To learn to resent your Daughter because when she visits their Dad can't spend time with them and their Mom. Since they probably have an age gap there will naturally be things he does with her that are not age appropriate for the younger two. 
Blended families are so very hard for all involved. It is in your Daughters best interest to have his new marriage be strong so she has a stable home to visit. They are not required to live the same lifestyle as you or send your Daughter to private school. Their Mom is working overtime to pay for it! Probably since he is paying you child support she needs to work extra!


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