# wifey not happy about having to split the bills



## djguy13 (Oct 28, 2009)

I've been married for almost 6 years now.
When I met her she was making more money than me.
We know make about the same. She's off the books and I work at an office.
Since day one we started splitting the bills half and half. 
3 years ago I started contributing more towards the rent. We was paying 65/35. Now i found a part time job dj'ing at a local bar and this provides more cash. I used this cash to eat out and pay for when I we go food shopping. I try to pay more than her. It's always 70/30 for food shopping.
PROBLEM #1. She hates my DJ job. I'm quitting the gig next weekend just because of her.
PROBLEM #2. She just asked me to leave the house (again) because I was talking about getting a new car (BMW) and last week I asked her to contribute with $20 when we went out to eat. This was like the 5th time in a month that we went out and I OOK CARE OF THE BILL THE PREVIOUS 4 TIMEEESS!!!!!!!!!!!
She said "how could you ask me to contribute with $20 but you're thinking about buying a $500 a month car?"

WHAT DO YOU THINK???????? 


PS. One of the main reasons I don't leave her is because we have a 4 year old princess :*-(


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Why do you not have a joint bank account?


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## djguy13 (Oct 28, 2009)

StrongEnough said:


> Why do you not have a joint bank account?


because she used to send money to his bum brother overseas and I didn't agree to it. That's when she said "i do whatever I want with my money"
That was right off the bat when we first got married.
I guess it was my own fault for marrying a girl I only dated for 6 months


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Are there other problems in the marriage aside from the money issue?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You act like you're friends rather than being married. And you nickel and dime her. Put $$ together to deal with the monthly bills and stick to a budget. Then there's no asking for $20 here or there. 

It does seem foolish to look at a BMW when you are also looking for part-time gigs to bring in more $$. 

And how this goes from $ talk to "one of the main reasons I don't leave her..." suggests that money isn't the only problem. 

If you want to get into a happier situation, you're going to have to do some work. Couples therapy NOW might save a lot of heartache later.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

dobo said:


> And how this goes from $ talk to "one of the main reasons I don't leave her..." suggests that money isn't the only problem.
> QUOTE]
> 
> :iagree: That's why I asked if there were other issues. Dobo hit the nail on the head here.


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## djguy13 (Oct 28, 2009)

Mainly the issues are that wifey does not appreciate anything. Always complains about money even though we both pay the bills. 
Always looking to pick a fight. Hates the fact that before everything was half and half. What else? 
Complains that i buy stuff i don't need eg. Laptop, pc, video games, clothes but i won't pay anything in full for her, like the rent or the daycare.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

djguy13 said:


> She said "how could you ask me to contribute with $20 but you're thinking about buying a $500 a month car?"
> 
> WHAT DO YOU THINK????????


You may not like what I think, but I'd ask the same question your wife asked.


djguy13 said:


> Mainly the issues are that wifey does not appreciate anything. Always complains about money even though we both pay the bills.
> Always looking to pick a fight. Hates the fact that before everything was half and half. What else?
> Complains that i buy stuff i don't need eg. Laptop, pc, video games, clothes but i won't pay anything in full for her, like the rent or the daycare.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The big problem you have is that it sounds like she wants you to be more of a traditional husband, provider of the family and putting all of your cash into the needs of the family before spending anything on yourself....many families do this but she works so it almost sounds like she wants her $ to be hers to do with as she wishes...if you paid 100% of month to month living expenses (assuming you could afford it) what would she do with her paycheck?

Since you both work, I would suggest as others have, pooling your money to pay the bills and come up with an amount you both agree on for separate spending money for each of you...and even better if there's a little left over to put in savings for a shared goal you both have.


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## gturnwald (Oct 25, 2009)

Is there any more problems in your marriage?


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## djguy13 (Oct 28, 2009)

so far from all the responses i've come the conclusion that apparently in order for a marriage to work, THE HUSBAND HAS TO GIVE UP HIS PAYCHECK AND LET THE WIFE CONTROL THE HOUSEHOLD FINANCES.....


WHAT A JOKE!!
I work hard for my money to let her spend it for me. I agree in having a joint account to pay bills but I WILL NEVER let her spend my hard earned money when she's probably making about the same. 

I spoke to some married ladies and yeah they all agreed that their husbands pay the whole mortgage and they take care of the bills. 
Yes, I made fun of their hubbies.
I think I'm the kind of guy is not meant to be married


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Excuse me? Because of the way my husband and I got together, at this time, I pay for all necessities. We just set his paycheck up to put the max into his 401K to avoid taxes. At another point in time, this might change. 

OTOH, I put 19% into my 401K, not including company match. And I still pay for all of the day-to-day bills. 

It has NOTHING to do with anything other than I've been doing it so why not continue? His $$ goes into the bank. What the hell does it matter the source of what goes where?

We make in excess of 90K each.

Mortgage is 2,500+ per month.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

djguy13 said:


> so far from all the responses i've come the conclusion that apparently in order for a marriage to work, THE HUSBAND HAS TO GIVE UP HIS PAYCHECK AND LET THE WIFE CONTROL THE HOUSEHOLD FINANCES.....Absolutely not. You should however, have a joint account and pay the bills TOGETHER.
> 
> 
> WHAT A JOKE!!
> ...


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Well, I guess every married couple handles their finances differently. I think yours is slightly unusual.

It looks to me like if you guys figured a mutually acceptable different way to deal with finances, that your lives would be a heck of a lot better together.

I can see that if you're both making about the same, then sitting down and figuring out, ok this is what our monthly expenses are, here's my share.

I'm sure you're not trying to make it look like when the check comes for dinner, that you get out your calculator and split it down middle including the tip? 

Can't you two take turns? You don't want to buy your wife dinner? She doesn't want to do the same for you?

Life should be less about money and more about family. Sometimes, the more money you have, the more problems you have, and the more you have to loose if the economy nose dives.

When I die, I want people to say "wow, she was a great person!" not "she had such cool stuff". But, hey, that's just me.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I agree with StrongEnough. When you are married, how you spend the income (from both spouses) should be jointly agreed upon...family first, mortgage, daycare, etc. and anything left over agreed upon for retirement, savings for college, vacations, etc. I don't have any issue with buying things you want for yourself, but you should both decide on how much that is for each of you.

What that does in a marriage is create a financial foundation for your family. Single people typically have more toys and don't have to answer to anyone about what they spend money on. For some, that works but when you vow to share your life with another and raise children with them, financial responsibility comes with it.


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## djguy13 (Oct 28, 2009)

swedish said:


> I agree with StrongEnough. When you are married, how you spend the income (from both spouses) should be jointly agreed upon...family first, mortgage, daycare, etc. and anything left over agreed upon for retirement, savings for college, vacations, etc. I don't have any issue with buying things you want for yourself, but you should both decide on how much that is for each of you.
> 
> What that does in a marriage is create a financial foundation for your family. Single people typically have more toys and don't have to answer to anyone about what they spend money on. For some, that works but when you vow to share your life with another and raise children with them, financial responsibility comes with it.



This just re-assures me that I'm not meant to be a married man then.
Wifey invests and uses her money as she wishes and I do the same. Call it selfish but in this world when "pre-nups" are now becoming a standard thing you gotta look out for yourself.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

So there's no such thing as "we" in your marriage. Don't you think that this creates a self-fulfilling prophesy?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

That seems like short-term thinking...get the toys i want right now so if the marriage crashes instead of dividing assets I'll still have my toys...at that point, it still comes down to dividing everything even if one person has more toys than the other.

Since you have a daughter together if the marriage should end, the court will doc your pay to support her and you may also be forced to pay for part or all of her college expenses.

Looking at 'what-ifs' shouldn't prevent you from looking at 'what is' and doing the best for your family as a whole (and I mean your wife doing the same...not all on you)...I'm sure there are many couples that do fine with separate accounts. It just seems to be an issue in your marriage that will continue if you can't agree on how it should work.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

You may not be marriage material then, but the fact is that you already are and you have a child.

Its time to step up and put the needs of the family first. 

I agree that it is short-term thinking. I suggest family counseling. Split it 50/50 if you want, but ultimately think of it as an investment in your marriage...


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## djguy13 (Oct 28, 2009)

^^ thanks for all the replies.
I understand that this money thing is a big issue in my marriage. Then again, I did once ask my wife when we first got married to have one joint account, but because I wasn't agreeing on the idea of her supporting her lazy a$$ brother overseas, she decided to keep separate accounts.
I did try, and I would do it now, but unfortunately I don't really see any effort coming from her side.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

There is to much "me" in your marriage, on BOTH sides. Do you function as "we" at all, in any area? I am the primary income in our house, and I have never once viewed the money I make as 'mine". The money belongs to our family, and I work to provide for us. Who cares about expensice cars and toys, as long as your family is happy, healthy, and secure? It sounds like you both went into this with one foot out the door. Not a good way to build a strong family unit at all.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

djguy13 said:


> ^^ thanks for all the replies.
> I understand that this money thing is a big issue in my marriage. Then again, I did once ask my wife when we first got married to have one joint account, but because I wasn't agreeing on the idea of her supporting her lazy a$$ brother overseas, she decided to keep separate accounts.I agree, if her brother is a grown man, she should not be supporting him and taking money away from your daughter and family.
> I did try, and I would do it now, but unfortunately I don't really see any effort coming from her side.


Seriously, consider going to marriage counseling. Make the phone call to make an appointment and get both you and your wife into some counseling.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

MONEY...MONEY...MONEY

That is all it is...I don't understand why you guys continue to have this HERS-MINE mentality. You've got to learn to let go of the temporal things and focus on things that actually last.

I believe that if the bills are paid, no credit card debt, and there is savings for the future...who cares about the rest? Marriage is a lifelong commitment...not always 50-50, its a team, a relationship...you shouldn't have to nickel and dime for who pays for dinner.

Marriage is suppose to mean so much more than that...


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