# At a crossroads and need help.



## Lovey011 (Mar 9, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 11yrs. But only married 6 months...... Over this time we have been through our ups and our downs. Several years ago when the economy took a dive he lost his job. Right before he lost it, we decided that I would go back to school and he would be the main financial support. I still worked part time and contributed, just not as much. When he lost the job we decided that we would just make it through and really budget..... He fell into a depression about not finding another management job and its been a struggle ever since .... Now that I am graduating, there are a lot of bills and stuff coming in and I am now realizing he never took care of our financial needs. We owe a ton of money, I'm trying to pay off everything, while he still works part time.....and NOW it's been 3 months with NO SEX..... And there always seems to be an excuse when I try an initiate..... It kills me to be constantly turned down..... It's like he has no drive.... Over the years our sex life has dwindled much to my disappointment, but now there is nothing... NOTHING. I don't feel connected to him at all..... I'm mad that he hide our finances, I'm mad that he is no longer affectionate and I don't know what to do???.......... Sometimes I feel like divorce is the only option, but then I feel guilty because we just got married and I know our families will be very disappointed..... I'm so lost and don't know what to do anymore..... Do men really just lose the need for sex???


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Lovey011 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 11yrs. But only married 6 months...... Over this time we have been through our ups and our downs. Several years ago when the economy took a dive he lost his job. Right before he lost it, we decided that I would go back to school and he would be the main financial support. I still worked part time and contributed, just not as much. When he lost the job we decided that we would just make it through and really budget..... He fell into a depression about not finding another management job and its been a struggle ever since .... Now that I am graduating, there are a lot of bills and stuff coming in and I am now realizing he never took care of our financial needs. We owe a ton of money, I'm trying to pay off everything, while he still works part time.....and NOW it's been 3 months with NO SEX..... And there always seems to be an excuse when I try an initiate..... It kills me to be constantly turned down..... It's like he has no drive.... Over the years our sex life has dwindled much to my disappointment, but now there is nothing... NOTHING. I don't feel connected to him at all..... I'm mad that he hide our finances, I'm mad that he is no longer affectionate and I don't know what to do???.......... Sometimes I feel like divorce is the only option, but then I feel guilty because we just got married and I know our families will be very disappointed..... I'm so lost and don't know what to do anymore..... Do men really just lose the need for sex???


Usually there is a reason for it. You mentioned depression; that would be a big reason. When you lose that connection, it becomes insidious. He was depressed, reducing his sex drive. You lost your connection and you may not even realize the signals that could give him. He may no longer want to be affectionate because he's 1) lost his connection too, 2) the signals you are giving, 3) depression. He is no longer affectionate further reducing the connection for both of you. Sort of a downward cycle until you become roommates instead of lovers.

Sounds a lot like he lost his self-esteem. Probably feels emasculated by everything (lost job, not providing, letting finances get out of control, etc.)

Gross question but does he masturbate?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Depression is my guess too. And now there's resentment on your side. My advice, start getting things out in the open soon, or it will just get worse. As my counsellor told me... You can pay now, or you can pay with interest in a few years. The interest being the frustrations and resentments that build up in that period...

C


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## Lovey011 (Mar 9, 2013)

@justsomeguy: very true, I'm sure he does feel stuck and emasculated....I tried to encourage him in the beginning but it never seemed to work.... It was like he had no drive to change anything... It took me months of asking to get him to write a resume, and even that was after an ultimatum was given..... I've asked if he masturbates and his answer is no..... Which I believe because we've never really hid that from each other. We both feel its natural....

@pbear: yes, I do feel I have become resentful towards him, it's hard not to..... I don't mind helping, but its all of the lying that has lost my respect.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When are you graduating?

Is there any way your husband can now go back to school? It's the easiest way for him to get back into the job market at the level he worked before.

It sounds like he's been completely demoralized by his job loss and him not being able to find a job that fits his image of himself. A lot of people, men especially, have this problem.


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## Lovey011 (Mar 9, 2013)

I graduate in may, I do want him to go back to school...... He wants to too, but to be honest, the financial strain has been hard and we need to get through this first.

He Actually talked to me today about our lack of intimacy..... Says he thinks he might have Low testosterone and wants to go to the doc and get tested.... I'm not sure what that is but will research it. Maybe this is a step in the right direction?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

That does sound like a move in the right directly. Low testosterone can also be linked to low ambition.


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