# Is it Ok to treat kids differently in a family?



## erlingyiwu (Nov 22, 2015)

hb have always arranged fun activities for his kids from his past marriage, and had left the kids he has with me out of all these funs without even asking me what my plan for the day is, is it ok for him to b a as.ole like this? he would just leave with his kids from his past marriage without a word to me and our kids he has with me.

He has been a As.sole like this since the birth of the kids he has with me:

Took his kids he has w. his ex to vacation every year since and have left the kids out he has w. me out;

took them to restaurant, movie theater, game, local event and have left out the kids he has with me.


Yesterday he finally included me and the kids he has with me is because i explained to our kids what he has done like this was wrong, was very unloving , uncaring, very selfish, and that their dad shall treat them as GOOD and FAIR as he treats his kids from his past marriage and our kids told him what i said.

So, Yesterday, I, hb, his kids from his past marriage and the kids of hb has with me went to restaurant together for dinner.

when it's time to sit down in the restaurant, instead of picking a bigger table or combine 2 table together in order for all all us sitting together like a family, hb picked 2 tables which are right by each other, are separate from each other anyway.

so we end up sit like this: hb sit with his kids that he has w. his ex at one table, i sit with the kids hb has with me at another table nearby.

The sitting like this make me feel disrespected by hb, and i feel hb disrespect our kids he has with me, and he was very inconsiderable, selfish, like a as.sole.


the incident like yesterday also makes me feel he does that to upset me then i myself will stop the kids he has with me to go alone when he take his kids he has with his ex to go out to have fun.


am i too sensitive?


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Give us a sense of age of the children and timing of all this. Months, years?

Integrating families can be difficult. Lots of moving parts.


----------



## erlingyiwu (Nov 22, 2015)

thanks Sapientia, i understand what you mean about age difference, but that's just a excuse for hb not to take the kids he has with me to the eat out with their older siblings, and age difference is not good reason for hb to refuse to sit with his kids that he has with me. 

it's understandable hb arrange activities exclude the kids he has with me OCCASIONALLY , but exclude our kids at a regular and frequent base is unacceptable to my opinion. 


hb will make sure he will not miss any birthday even ball practice of any of the kids from his past marriage, but he had not showed up for our kids' birthday till years later our kids told hb that it's right for him to do that and what he has done make them feel unloved. 

hb has complained he is broken and has made it very difficult for me to get any money to buy food, clothes, medicines for our kids but in another hands he has tons of money when it come to his kids from his past marriage and their friends, he has taken them and their friends to local events, restaurants at a nearly regular base and has paid all their friends' outing cost when they went along with them.


he has yelled to the kids he has with me to pick up the mess to welcome his kids from his past marriage to visit him half year out of one year, and meantime has refused to make his kids from his past marriage to pick up the huge mess he make in my house and in my yard, not even their mess made me fall and had a emergency C-section. 

his kids even told me that hb / their dad told them not to say hi to me when they come to my place, and not to say thank u and bye to me when they leave from my house, though i have cooked cleaned washed for his kids just like how i do for my own kids.

i have never blamed his kids for what they have done, because i know it was all my hb, but i really don't why he is such a devil from hell to me and the kids he has with me.


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

You do know why. He's either embarrassed or ashamed of you. No respect.

Why do you stay attached to him? Get independent and then get away from him. Sounds like he doesn't want you or your kids anyway, so give him what he wants.


----------



## erlingyiwu (Nov 22, 2015)

what do u think of his motivation to marry me and have kids with me and meantime embarrassed or ashamed of me?


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

I don't know enough of your story to comment. But that kind of behaviour from your H is one of contempt.

I'm sure you know the reasons why he married you. The real question is: why did you marry HIM?


----------



## erlingyiwu (Nov 22, 2015)

why i married him? he was sweet like a pie before we get married. who will not falling in love with a sweet apple pie?


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Apple pie with a slice of troll. Yum yum.


----------



## erlingyiwu (Nov 22, 2015)

u r right. he is a troll from hell with the way how he treats the kids he has with me. but that doesn't mean i will let him get away with it. he will have to b responsible for his action, and now i am making him to be nice to our kids and b a engaged dad with our kids by leaving all kids to him alone. and meanwhile i am enjoying my mothers-day-out for the good of me and our kds.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You teach people how to respect you. If you want him to respect you more, don't participate with him if he won't.


----------



## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Curious....

What's the custody situation? Is it every other weekend?

When his children form the previous marriage aren't there, does he go places with the children the two of you share together?

How long has this been going on? 

Remember that parents with a minimal shared custody arrangement are trying to do their best to parent their children and spend meaningful time with them in a limited amount of time compared to a more traditional situation. In an every other weekend scenario, how easy is it to cram 30, 31, days into the 4'ish that you may have?

Perhaps he needs some help getting things more balanced?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

How much do your children see their father?


----------



## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

Malpheous said:


> Curious....
> 
> What's the custody situation? Is it every other weekend?
> 
> ...


Same questions from me. I think family time with ALL children together is the best (helps them bond), but wanting to do something alone with the kids that only come for visitation is okay too (if it's not all the time). It's likely that if the 2 younger ones are with you all the time that it's his way of making up for not being around the older ones as much. I try to give my hubby at least one day each visitation weekend that is just him & his son. Since it was just the 2 of them before I came into the picture I feel it's important to make sure my stepson doesn't feel like I've taken his time away from his dad. Finding a balance is the key. You need to have shared experiences if they are ever going to truly feel like part of the family. Too much alone stuff or too much together can both cause problems.


----------



## erlingyiwu (Nov 22, 2015)

thanks Malpheous, NextTimeAround, hotshotdot for advice.

his kids from his past marriage see him 180 days each years. 

hb see our kids much less than his kids from his past marriage. he works out of town, only come home when it's time to see his kids from his past marriage. 

if he comes home before his kids from his past marriage visit him, all he does is sleep his as.s to lunch time because he is " Tired from job" , gets up eat hot meal i cooked, complain we didn't pick up the mess left by his kids from his past marriage during last visit, yell to me and our kids to pick up the house better to WELCOME his kids from his past marriage. upon finishing his lunch, he will head out run his errand, who knows what he really is doing out there. and i don't really care to find out, since it's only going to hurt my feeling if i really would find he cheats on me. all i can do is i run out of the house to have my time when i get chance. 


anyway, then during these visitation time, for years, he had just taken his kids from past marriage out locally like movie theater, dinning out, events at a regular base, and even took them to vacation by the beach, mountains out of town as long as 20 days for several time, meantime had left our kids behind. 

i am not a smart and quick person, so i only just realized what he is doing recently, and i start to leave the house very early in the morning to make him be accountable as their dad. but the damages and feeling of hurt that he has done to me and our kids still need a long time to recover since he had done such for almost 10 years. 


he used to comment around me like " i use to know a lady who married her husband with kids from past marriage sued her husband's kids from past marriage because her husband left all his pensions to his kids from his marriage. she is crazy, these pension is his money, he can give to whoever he wants, it's not right she fights about her husband's asset with his kids from his past marriage. " 

by the way,. this lady he knows marries to her husband who has kids from past marriage over 15 years. 

above is just one similar comment he always makes around me, which makes me feel that he is try to tell me that our kids i have with him and me doesn't deserve anything that we legally entitled to.

his mom also always comments that her brothers never help around the house ( hb's kids from past marriage are boys), only girls like her and her sisters help around the house.

i don't like her comment because it makes feel she tries to hint that her ground sons doesn't need to do anything around but just leave huge mess before they leave from my place. and that my daughters , her grand daughter shall work around like Sinderella in story book.

last wks thanksgiving i went to see my parents in law with hb and our kids which i really don't care to go since they have tried to hint same as their son, hb. 

finally, i gave in after hb yelling, sweeting, yelling again, back to be sweet........

after 3 days driving, we arrived where parents-in-law lives, and being told that mother-in-law is having a terrible headache, and being suggested not to go their house till her headache gets better. 

we stayed in hotels, then on thanksgiving she said her headache getting better, but not good enough to make turkey or any other meal, and suggest us to pick up " thanks giving meal" from whatever restaurant. 

we finally could put our feet in parents in laws house, and found out our kids pict. are all off from the walls, dr. of refr. , side tables, instead, dear mother in law put the pictures of the kids from hb's past marriage everywhere in their house, especially the spots nobody can miss no matter where you sit or look at. 

i don't like this either. it makes me feel parents in law try to hint again that they don't care or respect our kids but his kid from hb's past marriage. 

i told myself, next thanksgiving, hb sure is going to go his parents house all by himself, maybe with our kids, but not me. 

i have no idea what to tell our kids when they asked me sadly why there is no their pict. at in their grand parents house but their brother's pict. are everywhere in grand parents house.


----------



## erlingyiwu (Nov 22, 2015)

thanks turnera, very helpful advice.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

How long was he divorced before you met? How long did you date before you married?

When you were dating, did you see any signs he was somehow embarrassed or ashamed of you?
Are you and he different races or of the same race with different cultural backgrounds?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## erlingyiwu (Nov 22, 2015)

we all black


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

erlingyiwu said:


> we all black


Hmm, I thought maybe the difference in the way everyone is treated might be racially motivated, but if everyone is the same race that theory is useless.

Is there a difference in education and mannerisms between his FOO and you and your family?


----------



## erlingyiwu (Nov 22, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Hmm, I thought maybe the difference in the way everyone is treated might be racially motivated, but if everyone is the same race that theory is useless.
> 
> Is there a difference in education and mannerisms between his FOO and you and your family?


Not really


----------

