# Wife left last night...



## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

Last night my wife and I got in a stupid argument about nothing and we let it go way too far. I thought she was getting in the shower but she just turned on the water and jumped out the window. She went to her friends house(who is divorced) and she ended showing up an hour later with the police to grab her things. As if I were going to hurt her( I am not and never have been violent). We are newlywed and I don't want everything to be over because of anything, let alone that small. I apologized before she ever left and she just said I was lying. I am at the point where I don't know what to do if she thinks everything I say is a lie.. I have never lied to her and I just want her to come home. I'm sorry for the rambling on and on, but does anyone have any advice for me?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

barnot,sorry you're here,but maybe you could expound a little more on your situation as you may get better advice.I see your prior posts ended in Aug.2011.What's been going on since,as you left everything kind of vague and up in the air?


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

Thank you for the reply. My last post in August 2011 ended in divorce(married 1.5 years, no kids). I was just remarried in October 2012. Fast, I know. Didn't plan on that happening. So newly married, 2 and a half months. We were fighting about her thinking I was being mean to her when I was really being urgent because we were late for something important. I understand how the two might get confused and I apolozied for her thinking I would be mean. I tried to explain that was not my intention and I told her I love her. She blew up because she then thought that I was telling her that she was wrong, but she was taking everything I was saying and putting a negative spin on it. She told me I wasn't really sorry and she didn't believe that I loved her. Anything I would say she would say I was lying. At that point I didn't want to fight anymore over such a small misunderstanding. I said I was sorry but it wasn't worth fighting about to me. It was then that she went into the bathroom and jumped out the window and ran. I knew where she was going so I hopped in the car to go talk to her. I went and knocked on the door and no one answered. I went to the ATM and grabbed money(I didn't want to get screwed over again like the last time I was divorced). She showed up an hour after she left with the police to grab her things. I asked her not to do that and told her I loved her. She grabbed all of her things and left her ring on the counter all without saying a word. I had a friend come over after that and grab my guns so I couldn't do anything stupid to myself. 

It's now the next day, she sent me a text saying she loves and misses me, but won't respond when I ask if we can talk. I am at a loss for what I can do now. I don't want to lose her, but maybe I just need to let it go?


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

I think she told her parents and they are giving her money to get her away. I think she if feeling pressure from friends and family to stay away. Why can't people just mind their own business?


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Oh Barnot - I can't believe what you just wrote. The same exact thing word by word happened to me.

When I was reading your post I felt goosebumps because this is exactly what happened to me, word by word.

Are you sure you are not me 

Same way my wife ran to her friend who is 29 years old and divorced. When I went to get my wife they did not open door on me and persuaded her to abort my first child, my wife was 6 months pregnant at that time.

She aborted the child at 6 months on July 9 2012after leaving my house on July 1, 2012.

I can not believe this is happening to somebody somewhere in this world that happened with me.

My advise - don't beg and don't send her any texts and I promise you she will come back. But if you beg or plead she would never come back.

Zappy


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

I am not begging. I learned from last time. I told her I would not bother her anymore, but I loved her and missed her and she was welcome home. 

We are both very stubborn people and an angry friend is only helping her to hold to the stubbornness even more. My wife is mad because I left her "homeless and broke" even though I asked her not to go. I have been depressed all day. Sitting in a recliner staring at a wall. I did not sleep at all last night, but was in the bathroom sick all night because of the circumstances. I can't talk to anyone because I don't want to make and family or friends upset with her because I do want to work things out. I just feel so lonely without her. I know it would be better for me to perk up and get out but I just can't do it. I just don't know what to do. 

I'm sorry about your child and what has been happening to you. Life just really sucks sometime.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Well...barnot just wait it out. Don't talk to much to her. She left so she's got to decide to come back. Don't chase but you already know that. It will pass. I dislike toxic friends.


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

I just found out that she is now 2 states away driving to her parents house. My heart just broke into about a million pieces.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

You must find your strength once again Barnot. I understand how you feel. Maybe not 100% because mine isn't 2 states away, but she may as well be. 

When we're with someone, we let go. We let go of ourselves, slowly, but surely we lose our strength for ourselves. What happens to it? We spend it. We spend it on our lives, wives (spouses), children, work, etc. List goes on. 

When this crisis hits, one leaves home, one asks for Divorce, or what have you, we seem to lose the rest of ourselves. 

Find your strength again bub. It may take some time. Be strong for yourself, AND you wife! If she's the least bit confused, she'll need your strength to hold yourself together. For if she comes back to you, it will be a great tool that played a huge part. Or, if she stays strayed for a while, YOU will need it, so it'll play a big part in healing, becoming yourself again. 

Good luck bub, we all know the hurt, all too well.


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

I have gotten texts from her that say "I love you and miss you" and "I want us to be together", but she still won't call or respond. Today I got a phone call from her divorced friend telling me to "stay the [email protected]& away from her" and if I didn't she would "come after me". I simply told her I love my wife enough to fight for her. I make sure that I am not constantly texting her. She is supposed to call tonight to talk about things and I'm wondering if it is really going to happen. She has so many negative people behind her that I feel they are pushing her and clouding her judgement. I still haven't been able to eat anything and I have lost 10 lbs in the 2 days because the situation has made me psyically ill. I am trying to keep busy, nothing I am doing works. 

Another terrible day in the life of barnot...


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## Trojan John (Sep 30, 2011)

The universe is trying to send a message to you, friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

I am not getting the message. My inbox is full! What message do you think it is??


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

Every time I hear my phone beep, my heart jumps. My chest has been tight the whole time she has been gone and I honestly feel that if I wasn't as young as I am and in decent shape I would have a heart attack. I just don't don't know how long I can last like this.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

well her friend is definitely a "whisper in her ear"

Hard to fight those fights.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Send her friend a copy of the text your wife has been sending you.


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

So she actually called when she said she would and we talked for a while. Turns out she didn't just leave. She moved 3 states away without telling me. I was pretty upset. She says she still wants to work things out and she wants me to move out there so we can have a fresh start. At this point I have very little trust in her after what she did. But I do still love her and want things to work. I told her to get in counseling and said I would do the same. We can talk sometimes and she can try to earn my trust back. I told her if she can make me feel comfortable, then I would join her in Texas. I honestly don't think anything will change and I will be staying put. But I want to try so if she is willing, I guess it's worth a shot. Feeling a little better after I talked to her because I least I know where I stand now.


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

Oh, and as for the friend that called me swearing and threatening, I just called the police and filed a report. That felt pretty good too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

barnot said:


> Oh, and as for the friend that called me swearing and threatening, I just called the police and filed a report. That felt pretty good too.


This is good. She did threaten you right? If she bothers you again get a restraining order if you can.


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

Yeah, she did threaten me. I have been super jumpy all day every time I would hear a car door outside. The guy I talked to said if she does it again, it would be a class B misdemeanor.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

barnot said:


> So she actually called when she said she would and we talked for a while. Turns out she didn't just leave. She moved 3 states away without telling me. I was pretty upset. She says she still wants to work things out and she wants me to move out there so we can have a fresh start. At this point I have very little trust in her after what she did. But I do still love her and want things to work. I told her to get in counseling and said I would do the same. We can talk sometimes and she can try to earn my trust back. I told her if she can make me feel comfortable, then I would join her in Texas. I honestly don't think anything will change and I will be staying put. But I want to try so if she is willing, I guess it's worth a shot. Feeling a little better after I talked to her because I least I know where I stand now.


Do you live around your family and freinds right now?

I have some concerns about your wife.

You say that she went out the bathroom window after the two of you had an argument. And you say that you did not threaten her, or touch her (or use violence). Did you throw anything? punch walls? Hit furniture? etc.?)

If there truly was nothing that she should have been afraid of and she did what she did, you need to be very careful of her. She has made false accusations again you in this case. Be very careful of any woman who makes false abuse claims. It could end you up in jail/prison. 

Further, her unilateral move to Texas and then asking you to move there sounds like the actions of a controller and manipulator. When people are like this they seek to isolate their partner/spouse from friends and family. The goal is to get them isolated so that they are easier to control.

Be careful. Think long and hard about leaving a place where you have family and friends for a woman who crawled out of a window to carry out false accusations against you.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I agree there is more here than meets the eye.
Care to give us more details? Did the two of you move away and she was not in favor of it?

Her behavior is unusual and extreme, there must be a reason? 
This sounds like a bad Disney movie.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Decorum said:


> I agree there is more here than meets the eye.
> Care to give us more details? Did the two of you move away and she was not in favor of it?
> 
> Her behavior is unusual and extreme, there must be a reason?
> This sounds like a bad Disney movie.


Or worse yet lifetime!


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

To be honest, it really is as confusing as it sounds. That's why I don't think there is any hope she will change. I do want to fix things though so I am willing to try. I told her that she has a couple month to make me feel comfortable and to help me start trusting her again if she wanted me to go out. I really don't think she will make it.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

You realize that this is not just immaturity, right?

What should make you comfortable is the assurance from a qualified therapist that her diagnosis is treatable.

You already have a walk away wife (WAW) that appears delusional.

Remember how bad it felt sitting in that chair staring at the wall? 

Imagine how bad it is going feel when a couple sets of sad crying eyes look up at you and say, "Daddy where is mommy, when is she comming back?

Her promise that she will never do this again would mean nothing to me at this point.

If you ever take her back, dont trust her to stay on her birth control, put some latex between you and her, and put off having kids for a while.

There was just another thread here where a disturbed woman went off the pill (she deceived him) to get preggers so she could try to lock her husband in.

I wish you well, Take care!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I will add one more thing. It is not unheard of for her to be lying to you about fixing things.
You are there and we are not, and so it may be a longshot, but she may just be saying these things to placate you for now while she makes her getaway and settles in.

Her friend calling you is suspicious, this may be your wifes plan to leave, or the toxic friend may think your wife dosen't know what is best for herself and is trying to protect her.

Just beware they may be on the same page!


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

My wife was upset when I told her about the friend calling. But she doesn't think that her leaving through a window or moving 1400 miles away was wrong for her to do. She and I have both agreed to meet with therapists and I am very curious how that will work for her.

As for the question above about us moving and her being against it, the answer is no. We were living where we met and got married. She liked it here. 

At this point I have no trust for her at all. It would be very hard for her to get it back, but because I love her, I will give it a chance. We will be separated and continue to work on things( although I feel like she should be here working in it). I honestly think I will be moving no where because I don't think she can do it. But if by some crazy way it actually works out, I would like to try.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

barnot said:


> My wife was upset when I told her about the friend calling. But she doesn't think that her leaving through a window or moving 1400 miles away was wrong for her to do. She and I have both agreed to meet with therapists and I am very curious how that will work for her.
> 
> As for the question above about us moving and her being against it, the answer is no. We were living where we met and got married. She liked it here.
> 
> At this point I have no trust for her at all. It would be very hard for her to get it back, but because I love her, I will give it a chance. We will be separated and continue to work on things( although I feel like she should be here working in it). I honestly think I will be moving no where because I don't think she can do it. But if by some crazy way it actually works out, I would like to try.



If she sees nothing wrong with leaving through a window and moving a long distance away then she is not dealing in reality.

Why does she say she did this? What scared her this much?

Or is she just a drama queen?

How old are the two of you?


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

I am 23 and she is 24. She says she was scared of me hurting her, but I have never hurt her or threatened her. She has been in abusive relationships in the past and maybe that's the problem?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

barnot said:


> I am 23 and she is 24. She says she was scared of me hurting her, but I have never hurt her or threatened her. She has been in abusive relationships in the past and maybe that's the problem?


How abusive were her previous relationships? Was there physical violence? Breaking things? Yelling? what was it like from what she told you.

When the two of you argued that night, did you yell? Hit anything like a wall or furniture, throw anything?

Yes her history of previous abuse could be part of the problem. She could have panicked.


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

There was physical violence and yelling from what she told me. 

The night we fought, neither of us yelled, although voices were raised. Nothing was thrown or hit. It was just a normal fight for us up until she jumped out the window. I have no idea why she thought that was a good idea.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

She most likely has a man in that other locale.


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

I don't think there is another man. Where she moved is where her parents live.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Is that where she is originally from?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Elegirl is a good resource for issues of abuse, if you have questions or want some websites or reading material you should ask her.


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

Yes, it is where she is originally from. I should definitely ask elegirl about that.


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

So we talked again last night and she said she is going to book a flight to come back some can talk. She said she wants to go to a session of MC while she is here for a couple days. I'm not sure what one session will help, but it makes me feel better because she is actually going to make an effort by coming here. I guess we will see what happens when she gets here...


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

I think you better think long and hard about what YOU want. She frightens me a little. You've seen what she is capable of. Good Luck!


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## kratzert88 (Jan 20, 2013)

man i understand my wife wants me to leave the house that i pay for for her and my kids we have a son together five months but i am getting to the place where i cant stay for my kid anymore... anyway i think if you want her show her that u want her dont let little fight turn into something thats going to cost u your marriage think before you speak something i never do good luck brotha i will be praying for you and your wife


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

I appreciate the prayers. We are at the point where we both agree we want to work on this as hard as we can. We agreed we need to forget everything bad that happened in the 3 months we have been married if we are going to move on together. We will both be seeing counselors and when we have fixed things wrong with ourselves, we will go together to work together. I am scared that I have too much hope for this, but I am excited with how things are working right now.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

She (maybe both) of you need individual counseling not just mc.

Forgetting about things is rugsweeping that will not solve anything, if you mean forgiving and committing to work on the marriage that is the right approach.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

barnot said:


> We agreed we need to forget everything bad that happened in the 3 months we have been married if we are going to move on together. .


Tell us what has been happening for 3 months.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You both cannot forget about the bad things in the past. If you do you will not fix the marriage.

Instead you need to look at what went on and find ways to make sure that it never happens again.

Look at my signature block below for the links on how to build a passionate marriage. If you are going to try to rebuild your marriage I suggest that the two of you read those books and work through them.

While the book "His Needs, Her Needs" is the most important of the three linked to, I think that for the two of you "Love Busters" has concepts that you two need badly.

The idea of Love Busters is that people do things that destroy (or bust) the love that their spouse has for them. So in a marriage you both have to agree to tell each other when there is a love buster and then you have to not do that anymore.

Her climbing out a window and moving to another state is a HUGE love buster. This one time is enough to end the marriage over. It makes you feel completely unsafe with her. So you have to tell her that it's a love buster. She has to agree to never do it again. And if she does do it, you have to let her know that it will be the end of the marriage.

The only time that kind of leaving is acceptable is if there actually is violence and something for her to be afraid of.

Another love buster that I see is her falsely accusing you are being abusive to her friends and probably her family as well. This is a serious love buster. If she ever does it again you need to end your marriage. She's a danger to you. 

She also has to write emails/letter to her friend, her family and anyone else who she lied to and tell them the truth. Otherwise they will always see you as an abusive husband.

There is enough real abuse going on against both women and men. The victims of real abuse are ill-served by someone like your wife using drama and false accusations to win an argument and get her way.

You two also need a 'safe' word. If she is this traumatized by her previous abuse then she needs a way to tell you that she is about to go into lala land or that her level of being scared is skyrocketing.

I use the word "STOP". When I say it I put my hand up in the stop sign and firmly say "STOP". With that I will walk away to another room where I can get quiet time. Or I'll go for a walk or ride to let the situation cool down and for me to get into a better place.

Your wife needs individual counseling on how to not bring the trauma from her previous relationship into your relationship. And you need counseling on how to recognize when she's reacting to perceived danger.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way. What was that argument about the night she left?


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

I guess I could have worded things a little better. We aren't just sweeping it under the rug. We both have individual counselors and we are going to work with them before anything else. I will definitely do some reading and ask her to do the same. A 'safe' word is also excellent advice. The fight that night was about her thinking I was being mean instead of my intention of being urgent because we had some where to be and we were late. In my eyes it was all just a huge misunderstanding. 


And with what has happened in the 3 months we have been married it just been the same thing for the most part. Just misunderstandings. She would get upset about something I would say and it would start a fight. The I would explain what I really meant and thing would get better. This went both ways. But I really feels we just need to work on not assuming the worst when something is said that could go both ways.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, i can see some things in the desciption of your arguments.

She is assigning her interpretation to what you say. You say that she is assuming that you are coming from a bad place so she gets upset.

Then you try to explain yourself. This is something that the two of you need to work on individually and in MC. 

She has to quit assuming she knows what’s going on in your head. She is definitely at fault in doing this. Doing this is a HUGE love buster.

Then you need to learn to only explain to her once that she is putting her own interpretation on things that you only mean to say , for example that you don’t want to be late so an she please hurry up and get ready.

Then if she tries to continue the argument, you use the “STOP” word and you walk away. 

Talk to your counselors about this.


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## barnot (Aug 21, 2011)

I will definitely talk to the counselor about that. I also just ordered 2 of the books in yours links and I really hope they help.


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