# What Should I Do????????



## gentlesoul (Jul 23, 2012)

OK I feel like I am beating a dead horse with this post but I have to talk about this. My wife and I have been married for 4 years and just had a baby 5 months ago. I love my wife and I know she loves me.

Here is the problem. Our sex life is a bit lack luster. I feel SO bad saying this because I know she just had our daughter and she can be tired. However, this has been a problem in our marriage and relationship for many years. We will go through spells where we will be good, but then we will go through long spells where we will not have sex that often.

I try not to be that type of guy that needs sex to feel loved or wanted by my wife, but I can not help it. 

I do all the romantic things that I can. I will cook dinner, buy her flowers, give her a full body massage, tell her I love her every time I can etc. 

I help out around the house by cleaning the house, helping with our daughter so she can rest and not be so tired. 

However, lately I feel unwanted because I am turned down quite often.

I try not to push it because she never wants me to talk about it because she says that every time I talk about planning sex or anything of that nature then we wont have sex.

I feel sometimes when we do have sex or fool around that it is pity sex and that she is not involved. 

I guess my question is, is there something wrong or am I being silly with all of my concerns?

I miss the relationship I used to have with my wife when we first starting dating.

What should I do?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

After a kids is born, sometimes the mother instict takes over the mating instinct. Now that she is this mother, she may feel like she should not be that dirty little sex kitten and must be all striaght laced and proper like a good mother should be.

You guys need to learn some tools thru counseling, b/c not only does she have to be a great mom, but she also needs to be a great mate to here childs father. A balancing act that is needed so the kid grows up haveing a healthy examble of a marriage.

The trick is get your chick to this point, so do your research and for now read up on this kind of thing and figure out a way to get her to this balance that she needs to have.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

gentlesoul said:


> Here is the problem. Our sex life is a bit lack luster. I feel SO bad saying this because I know she just had our daughter and she can be tired.


Why feel bad about expressing your needs? You aren't pushing her over at 3 a.m. and hoping on. It's ok to express how you feel. It's only being honest.



gentlesoul said:


> I try not to be that type of guy that needs sex to feel loved or wanted by my wife, but I can not help it.


Why are you trying this? Men (on average) need sex. It is a requirement for most men, especially those without medical issues. It's a way to feel loved, desired, respected, attractive, empowered, etc. There is studies that back this up and experts on sex and human emotion will say as such as well. You shouldn't try and suppress that.



gentlesoul said:


> I do all the romantic things that I can. I will cook dinner, buy her flowers, give her a full body massage, tell her I love her every time I can etc.
> 
> I help out around the house by cleaning the house, helping with our daughter so she can rest and not be so tired.


Rule number one on this board regarding men wanting more sex is DO NOT think chores at home will equate to bonus time in the sack. You do not get a BJ for frying her an egg, a quickie for washing walls or a 45-minute humpfest for a dozen roses. If you aren't getting what you want, why are you doing extra for her? I'm not saying you should turn this into a tit-for-tat situation, just maybe point out how you are trying harder than she is.



gentlesoul said:


> However, lately I feel unwanted because I am turned down quite often.


Think about it in reverse. Your wife is getting a husband, father and maid all in one. Why would she give you more? I'm not saying this is how your wife is conciously thinking, but subconciously she could be.



gentlesoul said:


> I try not to push it because she never wants me to talk about it because she says that every time I talk about planning sex or anything of that nature then we wont have sex.


If she won't talk to you about sex, then you need to step it up a notch. Marriage counselling is a good idea. If she won't go, go on your own. Try and do some research on sex and marriage, and show her how important sex is to a marriage. You'll have to get her talking about this issue before it'll change.



gentlesoul said:


> I feel sometimes when we do have sex or fool around that it is pity sex and that she is not involved.


Almost guaranteed, some (if not all) is. If she's not that interested, what's the odds that she will be bang on into it everytime you actually do have sex?



gentlesoul said:


> I guess my question is, is there something wrong or am I being silly with all of my concerns?
> 
> I miss the relationship I used to have with my wife when we first starting dating.
> 
> What should I do?


Your concerns are not silly. Very valid in fact. Sex is important to men (and some women as wellm just more so to men on average). All you can do right now is get her talking and get her to understand your side of things. Easier said than done I know, but that's step one. Like I said above, marriage counselling is an option.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

:iagree:

She may be tired, but if the sex is suffering then the chores can wait another day. If she is experiencing hormonal changes still, she may want to consult a doc. Its been three months since I gave birth and I still feel wonky at times. Is she breast feeding? Is this her first baby?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

GentleSoul,

Start here by reading, digesting, understanding and acting:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

Also start going to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and buy Athol Kay's book The Primer. It will be the best $10 you have spent on a book. Read it, digest it, understand it, act on it.

I have. My relationship with my wife has changed completely. My sex life has changed completely.

Good luck and report back!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Wait, does your wife have a butler fantasy? If so, don't change a thing. If not, then I'm not sure why you think acting like a butler will get you more sex....


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Crikey, has nobody here ever had a baby? And just 5 months ago? A plummet in sex drive is understandable, if not expected. If there were problems before, having a child is a guaranteed way to make them continue. In any event, this is hardly the time to push the panic button. Many years of evolution program mom to focus on the baby first.

In addition, the OP doesn't give enough details. What's the frequency in the good times? What does "not have sex that often" mean? Is she still nursing? Might she be suffering from post-partum depression? Are there other children?

I don't think the concern is silly, but it downplays the changes in a woman who has recently become a mother (and who before that was pregnant). There are countless possible explanations for this situation. The first step, it seems to me, is a trip to the doctor and then a frank discussion with an MD of what happens to a woman after birth.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

When you first started dating you made her feel wanted. You acted more agressively to get your needs met. You pursued, chased down, hunted for, captured and enjoyed your prey. You kept her off balance and made her feel passion. 

Now you clean the den while the lioness sleeps.

She may be your baby's momma, but you better treat her like your wife and lover first.

Go read Athol's stuff (Married Man Sex Life, as noted above) and take the Red Pill.


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## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

Sounds like you need a really honest, heart-to-heart conversation about it all. Since you said it's been going on for years, I won't dwell on the 5months post partum thing (it often takes women a lot longer to get back to "normal" after a baby. Is this the 1st? Totally normal then I would say). Baby-making aside, you need to talk to her. You are here telling us this, so you can do it, just be honest and sincere. Tell her exactly what you told us, that you miss her.


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