# Is my fiance gay? HELP



## CPM12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Looking for advice from experienced people. I met my fiancé 3.5 years ago. In the beginning he told me that sex was not ever a big priority to him but with me it was different. I really turned him on. That lasted about 3 mos. the sex decreased rapidly. It was about 5 mos in and I was on his computer at his condo and I typed something in that brought up searches for m4m on Craigslist. I was not looking or had any thought of this whatsoever- I confronted him and that opened up a door to a lifestyle that we tried out together of swinging. He said he would like to b with another couple and he wanted to watch me perform. A few experiences in he admits that he is bisexual and I accept this as long as we only play together. Our sex life turned into him only wanting me when others were involved ( men or women). We never made love just him and I. Then he wants to see me with a guy with a big d**k. I tell him that is not what I want and I want him and I to reconnect. But I can't seem to do anything to turn him on. We got engaged jan of 2011 and moved in together oct 2011. After months and months of no sex......2 mos ago I go snooping in his computer and find that he has been emailing numerous of men off of Craigslist to give quick ******** after work on his way home to me or on his lunch hour. I confront him with copies of all these emails and he says nothing. Wouldnt talk. A few weeks later he emails me that it was all just a fantasy and it was only those few times. I search again to find the emails go way back to sept of 2011. So he lied on top of everything else. He swears hes not gay and is so embarrassed and wants it all to go away. But I am having the hardest time believing. I don't know what to do. Any help would be GREATLY appreciated.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

You know the answer to this. He's gay. He needs to face it and you need to face it. If you're looking for a healthy, committed marriage to someone you love and who loves you back, then don't marry this guy. 

You can't fix him. He's very gay. You need to leave him immediately and possibly engage a counselor to talk to. You deserve happiness and a committed, heterosexual and monogamous relationship. You'll never get that from him. It will start as bl0wjobs, then he'll be meeting men in hotels for full anal and before you know it, he's going to bring home an STD to share with you. It's a fact that men who can't admit they're gay fail to use protection. Using protection requires foresight, which requires admission. Take these words seriously.

I wish you the best of luck, but like I said, you know the answer here.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Whether he is gay or not is irrelevant, he is a cheater. As hard as it may be, you would be better off to leave him immediately. He is trying to pull you into a sexual life style that is repugnant to you, he has cheated and repeatedly lied about it. There really doesn't seem to be anything in this relationship for you.


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## CPM12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Thank you very much for your replies...I need to face the facts. I have an 11yr old daughter(lives with us) and he has a 15 yr old daughter that lives with her mom. We had begun a new family and that makes ending things all the harder. 

More insite on the situation-He swears he has NEVER done anything with these men, never met anyone, never had the courage to go through with it. He says it is just a fantasy he got caught up in, but now with the chance of loosing me he has realized it was a big mistake and I am the most important thing in the world to him. This makes it very hard to understand, I told him I would never tell a soul and he can go his way and I go mine but he said thats not what he wants....How do I make sence of all this?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CPM12 said:


> Thank you very much for your replies...I need to face the facts. I have an 11yr old daughter(lives with us) and he has a 15 yr old daughter that lives with her mom. We had begun a new family and that makes ending things all the harder.
> 
> More insite on the situation-He swears he has NEVER done anything with these men, never met anyone, never had the courage to go through with it. He says it is just a fantasy he got caught up in, but now with the chance of loosing me he has realized it was a big mistake and I am the most important thing in the world to him. This makes it very hard to understand, I told him I would never tell a soul and he can go his way and I go mine but he said thats not what he wants....How do I make sence of all this?


Be honest.

"I don't believe you. I no longer trust you either." He can live there with you knowing that and hoping you will change your mind or he can pack a bag. There's no inbetween for this one. You can't unsee what has been seen with your own eyes.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Hello?

Thank your stars you're not married yet. My only advice is to cancel the engagement and find a man who will love you and only you. You deserve no less!


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## CPM12 (Jul 10, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Be honest.
> 
> "I don't believe you. I no longer trust you either." He can live there with you knowing that and hoping you will change your mind or he can pack a bag. There's no inbetween for this one. You can't unsee what has been seen with your own eyes.


Since it is MY house we live in, i did ask him to leave and he just keep begging to stay. 

Knowing the story- do you think he has met up with men? or a fantasy as he says?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do not marry him. I don't know if he's gay or not, but he doesn't respect you and your marriage will be like this--- but worse.

Maybe he's met up with other men...I mean, he got you to swing, so he's not all about keeping fantasies in the mind.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

He is at least bi leaning heavy towards being gay. It may be he wanted to be with a woman (you) because of all the pressures of being gay from society, family, friends, etc --- but realized that he can't continue -- and is gay.

He just needs to be honest with you and most importantly -- honest with himself.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

CPM,
Regardless of his sexual orientation, he has demonstrated to you that he has trouble staying in a committed relationship. It seems that his urges are just too strong for him to ignore. I'm sure it is hard to face the facts but it is much better that you take action now before the entanglement of marriage. 
PLEASE DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN!
If you do, you are in for much of the same. You do deserve better. You deserve someone that wants you...exclusively. As for his explanations, I'm willing to be he's lying.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

CPM12 said:


> Since it is MY house we live in, i did ask him to leave and he just keep begging to stay.


Don't ask him. TELL him.


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## CPM12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Hello?
> 
> Thank your stars you're not married yet. My only advice is to cancel the engagement and find a man who will love you and only you. You deserve no less!


Thank you very much...I know I probobly sound really stupid with the questions I have and the situation I am in, but it is so hard to be on this side of this! I guess i know the answers but I needed to get some outside perspective. I am a smart woman and the most honest person also, thats why i cannot understand why he would continue to lie to me. I have begged him to just be honest, for my own sanity yet he stands by his denial. That could be the hardest part, always thinking that I messed up by not believing him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CPM12 said:


> Since it is MY house we live in, i did ask him to leave and he just keep begging to stay.
> 
> Knowing the story- do you think he has met up with men? or a fantasy as he says?


Girl open your eyes. You know the answer to your questions. Guys don't go on Craigslist and solicit as a fantasy. Craigslist gets it done. It's advertising... and YES he met them.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Look at it this way. Had you not followed up and found this stuff, he'd still be doing it.

BEHIND YOUR BACK. Pretending like everything was great. You only know this stuff because you found it out on your own. He didn't come to you and tell you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He isn't interested in sex with you. Regardless of his good intentions, how long do you think both of you can remain faithful to each other?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## viggling (Apr 27, 2012)

well like others have said i think he is more gay then bisexual.. but that isnt the problem here imo the problem is that he isnt having sex with you and is doing it behind your back .. even if it is a fantasy of his why would he email so many people for a quickie ... i know most replys on craigslist are probally flakes but i bet he is doing more then just playing a fantasy in his head .. you need to sit him down and get the truth out of him and move on ..


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## CPM12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Thank you all very much! I am happy to have found this forum.


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## CPM12 (Jul 10, 2012)

viggling said:


> well like others have said i think he is more gay then bisexual.. but that isnt the problem here imo the problem is that he isnt having sex with you and is doing it behind your back .. even if it is a fantasy of his why would he email so many people for a quickie ... i know most replys on craigslist are probally flakes but i bet he is doing more then just playing a fantasy in his head .. you need to sit him down and get the truth out of him and move on ..


The TRUTH is all I ever wanted from him and what I feel I need, but he swears hes telling me the truth! I wish I knew how to get him to fess up. Maybe that would give me some closure. IDK


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CPM12 said:


> The TRUTH is all I ever wanted from him and what I feel I need, but he swears hes telling me the truth! I wish I knew how to get him to fess up. Maybe that would give me some closure. IDK


You need to take what you know as fact and make a decision. Personally I wouldn't need any more info from him. What I saw would be plenty.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Don't give him any more opportunities to trickle truth you. You'll be married and 3 or 4 years down the line you'll catch him in the act or something equally dramatic. You're getting a crystal ball view of what life will be like if you proceed.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He is bi at the very least, and what difference does it make whether he is really totally gay or not--although most of the evidence points in that direction.

If he is bi, he will want to have sex with men and you will not be enough for him. If he is gay, same thing. So as far as you go, this is a losing situation--that is, you can't win.

I would not believe him saying he didn't follow through on any of the planned meetings. He has every reason to lie and he has already admitted to wanting to have sex with other men (being bi), so why would you think he DIDN'T meet them?

You want to believe him, of course. Logic leads to the conclusion, however, that it is most likely he is lying.

Please get tested for STDs right away. He's possibly already carried home an infection. 

You cannot make him accept his sexuality, but you can free him from his commitment while freeing up your life for someone who wants you and only you. He's not a bad person at all; it's a sad situation b/c he was not able to accept his sexuality and you got involved. I hope you have some great memories and can move forward knowing it was not a mistake, but rather a stage of life. You were happy and it came to an end. Ok; at least you weren't miserable and then it came to an end! Now that's more of a mistake in my book!

God bless both of you.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

CPM12 said:


> The TRUTH is all I ever wanted from him and what I feel I need, but he swears hes telling me the truth! I wish I knew how to get him to fess up. Maybe that would give me some closure. IDK


Do you really need the truth from him to experience closure, even though you know in your heart that he has been unfaithful?

If so, there is a way to possibly get him to confess, for what it's worth, but I warn you, you have to play hard ball. First, you kick him out. Convince him you are done. Be prepared to live without him. Tell him about your evidence. Tell him that it is not logical that he sent emails etc and did not meet anyone. Tell him you know he has not been truthful with you. You are done with him. Adios.

Next, you get comfortable without him and learn to live without him. You do not contact him. You do not call him. You do not email him. Nothing. No contact. 

Here is where you may get your answer. He may beg to come back. He may apologize. *He admits that you were right.* You now have closure.

I'm so sorry that it may come to this, but for your own sanity and peace of mind, you really do need to seriously consider moving on with or without closure. Your act of kicking him out and living well in the future will be the best closure you can have. Good luck to you.


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## CPM12 (Jul 10, 2012)

UPDATE- I confronted him again and he got very upset and defensive. Told me I cant get over it and I have to believe him or not. COmpletely swears up and down that it was a fantasy and nothting ever happened. I explained to him what this is doing to me and that I needed to talk(because all of this was being done via text-as usual). He said he was sorry and knows how bad he messed up and it was a big mistake but he is over it. Doesnt have those feelings anymore. When I did finally push him to a face to face discussion he got very angry, claiming that he doesnt want to talk about it because he is embarrased and wants it to go away. We ended in a yelling match and I told him he has until Sunday night to get out of my house(my daughter and I will be out of town this weekend). That got him more upset because he said "how the hell do you think I am supposed to get all my **** out in 3 days?" Told him I didnt care...get out! It hurts, all the hopes and dreams we had ending, but not sure I had any other choice, Im physically making myself sick.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"told him he has until Sunday night to get out of my house(my daughter and I will be out of town this weekend). That got him more upset because he said "how the hell do you think I am supposed to get all my **** out in 3 days?" Told him I didnt care...get out! It hurts, all the hopes and dreams we had ending, but not sure I had any other choice, Im physically making myself sick."

I know it's horribly painfull. believe me im going through issues in my own m.

BUT.....absolutley..positively...unequivicably...you are doing the right thing. This man is stonwalling you. continuing to lie.
There can be no good that comes from it. he will break your heart now, or even worse later.

so sorry


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## OneLoveXo (Jun 5, 2012)

You are doing the right thing honey. He doesn't respect you nor your relationship. I highly doubt it was anything less than a fantasy, craigslist men for men mostly ends up in actual hooking up, I have gay guy friend and he has hooked up with rediuclous amount of men on there, including some who weren't sure about their orientation.

I know this is painful time, you did have feeling, but he has gone behind your back way to much. You deserve someone who will respect you and the relationship you have built. Stay strong, one day you will meet someone who will never do this. Wish you best of luck!


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## CPM12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Update....he wont leave, my fault too, i need to be more persistant. But now he is trying(finally), I think it is too late but what the heck, he can try. He also offered to go to counseling. I said I would go and told him to set it up...this was 2 weeks ago, he hasnt made the appointment yet. i told him that when we talk to a counselor he will have to tell the truth, his response was that he will do whatever it takes to save us. 
He talks about wanting sex but doesnt really put much action behind his words. Im pretty stand offish though, and he knows it. 
Any outside points of view welcome please!!!


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## HusbandX (Jul 13, 2012)

Thanks for the update, and sorry for the situation you're in. What has he done since to make you believe he is now trying? 

He hasn't setup the counselling yet, is this a deal breaker for you? if so, don't wait on him, arrange it yourself and give him the time & date and tell him to be there.

How are you feeling now to where you were a month ago. What is your gut telling you?


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## CPM12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Hes trying to do more things around the house, talk to me more, spend more time with me...but this all started back in May and it has just been the last few weeks that he started "trying". As much as he says he needs me and doesnt want to loose me, i expected him to set up the counseling, plus i thought if I got him in a session I could get him to open up about what reallly happened and his sexual prefrences. But ---I will not set up the appt. Im MUCH stronger and feel pretty good. Im Good actually...sad that it doesnt hurt as much but maybe I have accepted it. Or maybe the damage has been done and my heart is done being hurt! My gut has always told me that he was into men...thats why I went searching in his computer. I feel like his cover.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Actions speak louder than words. You probably need to tell him that.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

He wont leave, or make an appointment for counseling.....hmmmm I wonder why? Maybe because there is not repercussions for his actions. I know in some states, you may have to have him evicted. But I would call the police and tell them he needs to leave. See if they can help. Have you been tested for STD's yet? I wouldn't wait!


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## CPM12 (Jul 10, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Actions speak louder than words. You probably need to tell him that.


I have told him that....yesterday he went to see a movie by himself for 3 hours, yet he says he hasnt had time to call counselor!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm surprised no one told you to put a keylogger on the computer, I bet he's still at it but is deleting history


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## CPM12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> He wont leave, or make an appointment for counseling.....hmmmm I wonder why? Maybe because there is not repercussions for his actions. I know in some states, you may have to have him evicted. But I would call the police and tell them he needs to leave. See if they can help. Have you been tested for STD's yet? I wouldn't wait!




Goin for the bloodwork tomorrow!!


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## CPM12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'm surprised no one told you to put a keylogger on the computer, I bet he's still at it but is deleting history




I will look into that, thank you! but now he doesnt bring his laptop home from work!!!!


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I would see about getting an eviction for him along with a restraining order that would force him to leave by law and the sheriffs office would be more than happy to help in this reguard


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Do you really want him out? IDK. It doesn't sound like you do to me.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

CPM12 said:


> I will look into that, thank you! but now he doesnt bring his laptop home from work!!!!


gee, what a surprise

you really have enough in my opinion to warrant ending this engagement and kicking him out


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## CPM12 (Jul 10, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Do you really want him out? IDK. It doesn't sound like you do to me.




Of course I dont want him out, i dont want any of this! This wasnt supposed to happen and I will miss what we could have had. But he has to go because the trust is gone.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CPM12 said:


> Of course I dont want him out, i dont want any of this! This wasnt supposed to happen and I will miss what we could have had. But he has to go because the trust is gone.


He's lied to you about who he is from the beginning. What you thought you could have had doesn't and has never existed in the first place. It was a house of cards.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

CPM12 said:


> Of course I dont want him out, i dont want any of this! This wasnt supposed to happen and I will miss what we could have had. But he has to go because the trust is gone.


Would you want him "out" if he was meeting up with women for some quick oral (or even discussing it)? 

Did you go to the movies to check to see if he was alone? 

You do realize that you can have "what we could have had." with someone else right? And maybe even with someone that likes women.


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## CPM12 (Jul 10, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> He's lied to you about who he is from the beginning. What you thought you could have had doesn't and has never existed in the first place. It was a house of cards.




Thank You! As hard as that is to hear...it is the truth and I need to hear it. Thanks again, i value your honesty


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## CPM12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Would you want him "out" if he was meeting up with women for some quick oral (or even discussing it)?
> 
> Did you go to the movies to check to see if he was alone?
> 
> You do realize that you can have "what we could have had." with someone else right? And maybe even with someone that likes women.



Ya know funny thing was I didnt think anything of the movies until he went out of his way to give me the movie stub this morning and said "see proof I was at the movies". 

Thank you....yes and I want to find "what I could have had"


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Polygraph. One question. Have you had sex with any men you've met on Craigslist? If you want another question: was it more than 5?

Women say no to sex. men don't. I've got to think once a man finds a place where he can meet other men for easy anonymous sex, every day is his birthday and Christmas all rolled into one.


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