# Member Introduction: Nicodemus



## Nicodemus (Apr 21, 2013)

Greetings all,

I thought that before I started chiming in on other threads with comments or advice, I ought to give you all some of my background and let you get a feel for "who the heck is this guy?!"

The quick synopsis is that I am a 52-year old man and university research professor, recently divorced (late 2012) and currently living in the Midwest, although I originally hail from rural Florida.

I married in 1985 at age 24 while I was on active duty in the U.S. Navy. My ex-wife and I had two children pretty quickly (now ages 26 and 24), followed by two more children ten years later (our 'ticking biological clock' batch, now ages 15 and 12). As a couple, we were rather mismatched from the beginning in several respects (she was a rebound relationship for me), especially in the affection, passion, and intimacy departments, and the early onset of child-rearing only exacerbated those differences (putting her into permanent "mommy mode", where she remains today). Neither of us had very good relationship role models growing up, and we thus made many, many classic mistakes over the course of our 27 years together, although infidelity was never one of those mistakes. I always vowed that if I ever did reach the point where I was seriously considering the possibility of looking for an affair, that I would divorce her first, which is essentially what I did.

From 2007 to 2012, however, I did put forth a serious effort to repair our relationship and put our marriage back on track. I got us into therapy, including individual counseling, couple's counseling, and sex therapy. I also have a shelf full of relationship and sex books, and I have studied and am familiar with most of the leading authors in the field right now. My favorites are David Schnarch and John Gottman, but I also know the works of Robert Glover, David Deida, John Grey, Gary Chapman, Gary & Barbara Rosberg, and Michele Weiner-Davis (among others). Additionally, I have been active on a number of relationship forums over the past few years, and as a person of reference for this forum, Faithful_Wife and I have been debate sparring partners and online support-group friends going back to 2008.

Thanks to the above efforts, while my ex-wife and I were able to improve our marriage to the point of successfully moving beyond the constantly toxic, power-struggle phase to the point of co-habitating and co-parenting as friends, the relationship never did recover to the high level of pair-oriented partnership and intimacy that I desired, and having given it my best shot, I finally threw in the towel last summer (2012), moved into the spare bedroom, and asked for a divorce. By the end of last year, the deed was done in de facto fashion (de juro took a little longer), with the ex-wife and remaining kids all relocating back to Arizona where I got my graduate degree and where our two older kids still live.

As a result, I am currently in the continuing process of getting my feet firmly underneath me in my new bachelor's life, as well as regaining my "sea legs" in the dating world again. I have implemented a plethora of positive changes over the past several months, including moving into a downtown loft apartment (putting the suburban house up for sale), becoming much more socially active outside of work, becoming a patron of the local performing arts, shifting myself to a much healthier diet, and putting myself back into shape again: an effort that has paid off nicely in how I both look and feel physically (my current BMI is ~22, and I can rightfully claim "athletic and toned" as my body type in dating profiles). Thanks to the online dating scene, over the past few months I have dated several women, a few on multiple dates, and the experiences have been mostly positive and highly educational (as well as enjoyable and fun too). In a nutshell, my new life is full and quite satisfying, although lonely at times. While I greatly enjoy the company of women and relish the ability to date again, I am in no hurry to jump into another LTR. While I hope that if the 'right match' came along that I would have the ability to recognize her and successfully 'win' her, I am well aware that I am still in the "rebound" phase so soon after my divorce, such that I am susceptible to being drawn towards the wrong type of match for me, or conversely, repelled by the right type of match for me (due to some "too much like the ex" traits), and that I therefore need to proceed with extreme caution. A bit of seasoning is needed yet.

One final note before I close this missive (FW is familiar with my long-winded writing style). Due to a work-related injury in 1993 (age 32), I am permanently visually impaired (legally blind), such that I cannot drive and use either a long cane or a guide-dog as a mobility aid outdoors and especially at night. Hence the reason for my moving downtown, where I can walk many places and have ready access to the city and campus bus systems. While I don't let my disability either slow me down or stop me from living life to the fullest, it does effect my lifestyle in a profound way, and throws a bit of a monkey-wrench into my 'match suitability', from the prospective of a potential date: yes, he's in good shape, intelligent, well-educated, well-employed, confident, and masculine, but he's also blind and can't drive....dammit. That last bit takes some getting used to, and while I've been dealing with it for twenty years and am fully aware of my capabilities and limitations, many people who don't know me automatically assume blind = helpless = man looking for a nurse. Nothing could be further from the truth, but when you encounter the handicap in a dating profile, the urge to press the "Next!" button is a strong one: why deal with it? And yes, I do put this 'feature' of mine right up front in my profiles -- that's only fair, I think -- even if it does create some filtering that it otherwise wouldn't. As such, my online dating experience thus far has helped me to grow a thick skin with respect to a relatively high number of non or negative responses, but even that can be turned into a positive in that I, more so than most people (I think), have to maintain a self-generated, positive, solid 'sense of self' and high confidence level, as in general, every stranger that I meet tends to see the stick or the guide-dog first and sometimes exclusively, rather than the scientist and the man behind them. It's an interesting life.

Best regards,

-- N.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Welcome to TAM Nicodemus and thanks for the background.Hope to catch some of your posts in the future.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Welcome Nico. I know you have so many relevant thoughts and life experience to share on this forum.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Welcome. I guess we all have our obstacles in finding our next mate. At least my biggest obstacle is up to me to change where you can't change yours. 

I admit having to do all of the driving wouldn't exactly be pleasant (I dislike driving) but if that is all the concessions a woman has to make, how bad can that be? I assume still going to movies is in as you enjoy theater. Other physical activities can be navigated. Seems like a small compromise, all in all.


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## Nicodemus (Apr 21, 2013)

Thanks for the welcome!



EnjoliWoman said:


> I assume still going to movies is in as you enjoy theater. Other physical activities can be navigated. Seems like a small compromise, all in all.


Yes, I have enough low-vision to quite enjoy going to a good movie, especially since it is projected onto a gigantic screen. I may have to lean over and ask my date to read the occasional subtitle, when they occur, and miss some small details, but those are minor things.

At performing arts concerts, I can generally get near-front row seating, which my dates don't seem to mind either.

And I agree, there are adaptations and work-arounds available to me for nearly all physical activities that I can implement, and I remain very physically active -- even if my guide-dog is my current partner on outdoor hikes and such, in lieu of a current person-partner.

The question is: how many women will actually bother to go through the thought process that you just did, especially if all I am to them is a profile on a screen and there are other 'fish' out there messaging them? As FW keeps telling me, I'm probably going to achieve my best results meeting new people off-line, the old-fashioned way.

-- N.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi and welcome!


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