# Admitting fantasies



## Chris.m (May 15, 2013)

Hello all. 

Sorry this is so long.
I really need some help. I need to know how to tell my wife about my fantasies. A little backstory: My wife (19) and I (20) were virgins when we got married. We've known each other since we were 5 and 6, dated for 2 years before we got married. We were both raised in the same type of environment: Homeschooled our whole lives, sheltered to a T, and sex was not a topic brought up in either of our households. Never once, ever, was I aware of my parents having sex when I was growing up. As we both grew up, we took very different approaches to exploring our sexuality. I literally stumbled on porn when I was 10, and my father found out and explained that that was a very unrealistic depiction of real, personal sex. So I stopped watching it and just let the issue lie til I was 15, when I began to become extremely worried about being able to please my gf/wife when the time came and we had sex. So I began doing TONS of research (books/web articles/asking good female friends what a guy needs to do/etc). Through all this research, I became very well acquainted with female anatomy, the theory of sexual technique, positions, and so on and so forth. I started dating a girl when I was 16 and she was everything to me. Best friend, first love, everything. We shared all of our secrets, all of our fantasies, hopes for the future. Then after a 10 months, I found out she was having sex with her ex, and she left me, after telling me that everything I wanted was stupid and ridiculous. Basically left me shattered and with a LOT of trust issues.
My wife, on the other hand, heard her parents having sex constantly but it was never discussed. Before we started dating at 17 and 16, she literally thought sex was just put it in, and done. Knew nothing of fore play, positions, anything. At the beginning of our relationship we decided to wait until marriage for sex. So after we'd been dating for a while, we started talking about sex, and I was shocked by how much she didn't know, and she was just as shocked about all the details I knew and what I wanted. For example, when she first heard about it, she thought nipple stimulation was extremely perverted, and not a normal, enjoyable part of foreplay and sex. So that was where things have started from.
Now, we've been married for almost 2 years, and things have come a long way since then. We have a pretty normal sex life now, 1-2 times a day, switch positions up every few times, and tried basic toys. But I can't open myself up to her about my true deepest fantasies, for multiple reasons. Every time I ask try anything else at this point, she acts like it's perverted and she can't believe I would want to do something like that. And we're talking about something like we're out on a date late at night and I suggest we find some dirt road and have sex in the back seat, or I ask to buy her some remote control panties to wear around the house so I can tease her some weekend. So how can I open up and admit I've always wanted to try being tied down? I feel bad for asking for or talking about fantasies and desires. She's come so far and her desires and limits have changed SO MUCH since we started dating, got married, and began having sex. My fear of opening up and letting her see what I truly desire is HUGE after the aforementioned relationship. In every other area of our marriage and lives, I'm 100% transparent and open with her. And every time I try to open up and talk to her about our sex life she gets VERY upset/sad/angry that I think there's something wrong/that something should be different, after she's done so much and tried so hard. She thinks that it's perfect the way it is and couldn't be happier. She achieves orgasm 97% of the time, usually multiple. 
I wasn't aware until recently just HOW much it's an emotional experience for her. How much closer to me it makes her feel and how it makes her whole day and blows her mind, every single time. Which has also led me to realize that I'm not emotionally involved when we have sex. At all. I enjoy it, don't get me wrong. But it's purely a physical, mechanical experience for me. And I can't help wondering if it's because I can't truly open up to her about it. 

What do I do?? Every time I consider fully opening up to her about it I have an almost physical reaction of fear thinking about how she would react or what she'll think about me.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

She is very young. If you rush at her with all of these things you will frighten her. Good sex requires a lot of trust. You can't gain trust without taking a lot of time to lay a foundation.

Women, young women, don't enter into their sexual prime until much later. All of your research primed you for more than 
vanilla sex. She is still a child. 

If you want too much too soon she will lose confidence in herself, feel inadequate and begin to question your love for her. Don't make your fantasies a big priority. You have the rest of your life to get there.

Trust me on that one. A good foundation and the world is your oyster.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Why the rush to do everything NOW? If you do everything at this age then what the heck will you need after you've been married for 5, 10, 20 years?

I've been married 22 years and am grateful we took this a bit slower. We did vanilla sex for years and over time we gradually got more comfortable with each other. There are still things we haven't done and I think that's cool. Keeps things interesting despite how long we've been together.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

From what you described, you are holding yourself back from feeling the emotional connection sex is designed to produce. Perhaps it is your trust keeping you back? The bottom line, experiencing your sexual fantasy won't magically produce that illusive connection if regular vanilla sex doesn't.

It might be a simple case of being fully honest with her while risking rejection. And this is tricky because your wife is so young and inexperienced. She has already rejected, initially, some sexual practices right? But you persevered and now she accepts them and probably loves them! Your sexual fantasies are just as new and fearful for her, but these are closer to your heart so risking this rejection would indeed hurt.

Start the conversation by confiding in her that her rejection will hurt you. That you are not asking to do these things right away, but that she think about them and open her heart to them, for your sake.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

You two are just starting sex up again after your wife's recently having given birth. Please allow me to respectfully suggest that right now is not the time to bring up to your wife that you're unsatisfied with your sex life.

It would be wonderful to be able to share your fantasies openly with your wife. But you need to slow your roll. As others have already said, you have years and years ahead of you for working up to the fully open, fantasy-laden, sex life you desire. Right now, it's highly likely your wife feels way less than sexy and adventurous, and that any comments about what you want more of from her will not be well received. For right now, work on getting back into a normal healthy sexual routine, even if it's a little vanilla. Save adding more bells and whistles until your wife feels more like herself and less anxious about all the physical and emotional changes that are currently going on in your lives.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

prefacing it with "I fear your rejection" what do nothing to counter the rejection she will feel . 

their times to subordinate your desires - not needs but desires- to someone else and this is one of them .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Perhaps she's as embarrassed and uncomfortable about discussing as you are. In that case,I would skip the discussion and just go ahead and give it a try. If she says no, then stop. If not, Enjoy.


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

Man, some of you jumped on the original poster. I don't think he was talking about anything out of the ordinary sex wise. In fact, most of it was rather tame. Sex in a car in a back road? How many of us had our FIRST sexual experience that way? Mild restraint (tied up)? I can tell you I have done that with about every girl I dated (or they did it to me). 

Here is where I would suggest soft core porn - porn designed for women and not about the penetration. Maybe even 50 shades of grey, but I would hold off on that. 

To the original poster, good luck. The fun is in the exploration.


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## Huzzah (Sep 11, 2013)

I found that some softcore adult video depicting the act you would like to do could come in handy. I suspect, like my wife and I, watching such a video would be a mountain in itself to bring up but could assist you in your endevours. My wife was a homeschooled catholic girl, one of 12 kids, so I know what you mean as far as sheltered and her calling you a freak but because of that and her age you may need to ease up on the gas and give it some time. However one would also say that if your wife doesn't fulfill your fantasy then you may find someone who will. Not saying you should do that but just saying that you may come to a huge crossroads if a willing third party entered the picture. The devil works that way...believe me I speak from experience so don't attack me. Good luck.


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