# Why do women I’m with think verbal abuse is justified



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

Starting with my x wife and most of the women I’ve dated at some point ( I’m about to end a 1yr relationship) 
Think they can blame me for something then fly off the handle and think I’m going to put up with it .This has happened on several occasions. Lashing out for no good reason. 
Is every woman like this ? 
Is this what happens when the “crazy starts to leak out of the box “
I’m really disappointed, sad , hurt ,
Even a little mad. I thought I found the woman of my dreams. 
Now a whole year wasted. Life is short. 
Is there a good stable woman out there ? I’m at a loss.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sure, there are plenty of stable women out there. And I'm speaking as a woman myself. But it sounds like this keeps happening to you. Could you be more specific about what they blame you for? The reason I ask, is there may be something you are contributing that starts the "crazy." I mean, you can't be 100% the hapless victim. Especially when this keeps happening to you.

Could you elaborate a bit?


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You may need to address getting your "Picker" fixed.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If you date a woman and she turns out to be an asshole then move on and forget her. 
However if “Most” women you dated turned out to be assholes then a period of self reflection is in order I think.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I have an ex who would accuse me of "chastising" him when I was talking normally to him, because he was ****ed in the head and took normal things as a slight.

Can you give examples of the verbal abuse?


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

Prodigal said:


> Sure, there are plenty of stable women out there. And I'm speaking as a woman myself. But it sounds like this keeps happening to you. Could you be more specific about what they blame you for? The reason I ask, is there may be something you are contributing that starts the "crazy." I mean, you can't be 100% the hapless victim. Especially when this keeps happening to you.
> 
> Could you elaborate a bit?


I’m the first to admit I’m not perfect. I have a laid back personality and usually very slow to anger. 
To give an example- last week we were on a trip and we stopped for gas ( her vehicle)
Mine was in the shop for a recalled part. She clearly saw me heading to the windshield with the station squeegee to clean it and as soon as I started she went ballistic yelling she never wants it cleaned at the stations because one time she got an oily film. I kept my cool and said wow I had no idea.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I had a male friend who consistently dated much younger, super flaky, not super bright, never-really-employed, high maintenance, women who were invariably both super hot and _super_ b*tchy. Then he would complain that there were no nice, smart, successful women out there who wanted to settle down and have a family. He couldn't see that he was espousing a desire for one thing, but actively pursuing women who were something else entirely. 

OP, everyone runs into a few crazy people when they're dating. The usual thing to do is think to yourself, "Damn, that's nuts! No thanks!" then move on without looking back. But if _every_ woman you get into a relationship with turns out to be "crazy" then it's probably time to examine yourself and how you're choosing women. Are you maybe ignoring madly waving bright red flags early on in your relationships because you're too needy, can't stand being alone, are attracted to drama, think you can save/change them, or some other reason? Alternately, is it possible that your own life experiences have left you overly reactive to anything resembling conflict when it comes from a relationship partner?

There are plenty of very nice, not verbally abusive, women out there. Just as there are plenty of very nice, not abusive, men in the dating world. But to find a good partner, you have to be:

really looking for a good partner
ready and able to _be_ a good partner
actively saying "no" to the ones who aren't right for you.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lake life said:


> She clearly saw me heading to the windshield with the station squeegee to clean it and as soon as I started she went ballistic yelling she never wants it cleaned at the stations because one time she got an oily film. I kept my cool and said wow I had no idea.


If this woman goes berserk over you attempting to clean her car windshield, I'm going to assume she has exhibited this behavior on more than one occasion. I also get the feeling that you might be too passive and laid back. And it really does sound like your "picker" is broken. Could it be that red flags are waving in your face but you tend to ignore them?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

They do it because they know you will take it. It starts irritating the hell out of them once they learn they can’t depend on you to be a leader and someone who takes control. They realize they are the ones who have to be responsible for everything and then the *****ing starts. It can be about anything and even seem unreasonable... but the fact is that she has learned your Not going to step up and be ...... a man.

Sh!t testing .... you failed


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

No, not every woman is like this. But apparently you are attracted to women like this. Worth figuring out why?


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> They do it because they know you will take it. It starts irritating the hell out of them once they learn they can’t depend on you to be a leader and someone who takes control. They realize they are the ones who have to be responsible for everything and then the *****ing starts. It can be about anything and even seem unreasonable... but the fact is that she has learned your Not going to step up and be ...... a man.
> 
> Sh!t testing .... you failed


 I’ve not let anything slide. 
I chose not to escalate the situation. But just looked at her and asked who are you mad at ? after it happens. 
What bothers me is she didn’t do this for the first 6 months. 
I’m easy to get along with but don’t take sh*+ from anyone.
I think it’s about control. 
From having lack of control in the past.


----------



## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Tdbo said:


> You may need to address getting your "Picker" fixed.


It definately needs flashing. It could use the upgrade for sure!


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, many people can hide who they really are for the first few months. Dating is so you can get to know them well enough, and for long enough, that you see the reality. 

You've said this relationship has lasted over a year. Then you mentioned she wasn't like this for the first 6 months. Which means she _has_ been like this for the last 6+ months. The problem is not that she's like this. The problem is really that you've let this go on for 6 months longer than it should have.

Why? Have you been hoping that she'd change, that your love would fix her? 

Work on your picker. And on how to set and maintain healthy boundaries.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Lake life said:


> she didn’t do this for the first 6 months.


But, rest assured, her logic will follow the "...beatings will continue until morale improves..." philosophy. She has shown you who she is.....self-justified....



Rowan said:


> The problem is really that you've let this go on for 6 months longer than it should have.


Dump her a$$ like a used Kleenex. Change your picker, and pick someone who is morally upright, and who is not a selfish, self-aggrandizing tyrant next time. Screw her, and the horse she rode in on.



Lake life said:


> I think it’s about control.


You are 100% right. 

How did your mother treat your dad ?


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

TJW said:


> How did your mother treat your dad ?


With dignity and respect, even during arguments


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

Rowan said:


> OP, many people can hide who they really are for the first few months. Dating is so you can get to know them well enough, and for long enough, that you see the reality.
> 
> You've said this relationship has lasted over a year. Then you mentioned she wasn't like this for the first 6 months. Which means she _has_ been like this for the last 6+ months. The problem is not that she's like this. The problem is really that you've let this go on for 6 months longer than it should have.
> 
> ...


 I saw a couple of signs at the 6 month point and addressed them, she apologized then. But this recent attitude came out of left field and she now makes excuses and tries to blame me.
I told her before we dated I expected mutual respect and nothing less.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lake life said:


> this recent attitude came out of left field and she now makes excuses and tries to blame me.


Dump her like radioactive waste. She is (1) disrespectful, (2) tries to make excuses for her behavior, and (3) turns it around on you. Strike three, you're out.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Lake life , 

Maybe I'm missing something here. You are dating this woman--not committed and not married. Yeah, it's been a year, but starting at 6 months she showed some signs, you addressed it, she continued/continues to this day. Dude, the whole point of dating is to see if she's marriage material. She "ain't" marriage material. Pull up your big boy pants and tell her that you told her to expected mutual respect, you are not receiving mutual respect, therefore you choose to end this relationship. The end. 

You had a question ("Is she marriage material?")
You got an answer ("No, she is not.")

It's over.


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

Affaircare said:


> @Lake life ,
> 
> Maybe I'm missing something here. You are dating this woman--not committed and not married. Yeah, it's been a year, but starting at 6 months she showed some signs, you addressed it, she continued/continues to this day. Dude, the whole point of dating is to see if she's marriage material. She "ain't" marriage material. Pull up your big boy pants and tell her that you told her to expected mutual respect, you are not receiving mutual respect, therefore you choose to end this relationship. The end.
> 
> ...


She knows she’s on thin ice. 
I’ve given myself time to settle down so that I’m not angry or upset when making my final decision.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)




----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

No, you just keep choosing the same type of woman. You need to get to the root of why you are attracted to these women. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

I’m thinking they are attracted to my personality. I need to do a better job screening in the future and set my red flag detector to high.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Lake life ,

Permission to speak freely? I am a very easy-going person too, because honestly there are a lot of things in the wide world that I think aren't all that important. As a small example, today we are at the bottom of our coconut oil jar and on the verge of opening a new one. I was going to open the new jar and use a spatulata to get the remaining ... oh about a tablespoon left out of the old jar. My Beloved Hubby (@Emerging Buddhist ) said "Oh honey, please don't. The flavor of the old coconut oil is different than a nice, new jar." Okay. Well in the big scheme I don't really care--it tastes similar enough to me that i don't care... but to him it makes a difference! So I'm easy going and I told him "Hey whatever makes your little heart happy, babe." I mean seriously...after we've passed away no one will remember if we put a tablespoon of old coconut oil in with new, will they? LOL

So I can identify with a less tense, more easy-going attitude. And I also somewhat identify with picking abusive people for relationships. I sense that you've picked this kind of verbally abusive before (you implied such, if not outright stated it), and here's the thought that whirling in my head. Could it be that you pick verbally abusive people time and again because that is the kind of person you know? Have you been in abusive relationships? Maybe was your original family abusive? [Edited to Add: @Emerging Buddhist pointed out to me that you had already mentioned your family acted with "utmost kindness" so I suspect you didn't see an abusive model from your original family, so I am crossing that out.] Because I don't know about you, but I came from a physically abusive original family, and when I picked my first husband, I picked an abuser! Know why? Because as much as I don't like abuse, it was familiar. I knew what to do and how to do it, and I think some part of me even thought that Love included abuse! Of course, that's stinkin' thinkin' but I didn't know that at the time--I just picked what I was familiar with! 

If this is ringing a bell, maybe part of fixing your picker is going to involve you learning what a healthy Love looks like and acts like. Maybe part of fixing your picker will be learning to go against the grain of "familiar" and choose what feels kind of different...but in a good way,..healthy and respectful. Maybe it will involve identifying your boundaries more clearly so that you can protect your own heart before you have been with someone so long,


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

Affaircare said:


> @Lake life ,
> 
> Permission to speak freely? I am a very easy-going person too, because honestly there are a lot of things in the wide world that I think aren't all that important. As a small example, today we are at the bottom of our coconut oil jar and on the verge of opening a new one. I was going to open the new jar and use a spatulata to get the remaining ... oh about a tablespoon left out of the old jar. My Beloved Hubby (@Emerging Buddhist ) said "Oh honey, please don't. The flavor of the old coconut oil is different than a nice, new jar." Okay. Well in the big scheme I don't really care--it tastes similar enough to me that i don't care... but to him it makes a difference! So I'm easy going and I told him "Hey whatever makes your little heart happy, babe." I mean seriously...after we've passed away no one will remember if we put a tablespoon of old coconut oil in with new, will they? LOL
> 
> ...


The thing is they all started out great. They don’t show the true colors until later when they feel like it won’t run me off. 
This is after I go into great depths to explain what I expect and what the deal breakers are. 
Life is too short for this type of drama.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rowan said:


> I had a male friend who consistently dated much younger, super flaky, not super bright, never-really-employed, high maintenance, women who were invariably both super hot and _super_ b*tchy. Then he would complain that there were no nice, smart, successful women out there who wanted to settle down and have a family. He couldn't see that he was espousing a desire for one thing, but actively pursuing women who were something else entirely.
> 
> OP, everyone runs into a few crazy people when they're dating. The usual thing to do is think to yourself, "Damn, that's nuts! No thanks!" then move on without looking back. But if _every_ woman you get into a relationship with turns out to be "crazy" then it's probably time to examine yourself and how you're choosing women. Are you maybe ignoring madly waving bright red flags early on in your relationships because you're too needy, can't stand being alone, are attracted to drama, think you can save/change them, or some other reason? Alternately, is it possible that your own life experiences have left you overly reactive to anything resembling conflict when it comes from a relationship partner?
> 
> ...


I love this.....

With regard to your friend, 

This is a case where his pecker is the picker.


_The Typist-_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My mother had a friend who, after she got married said to my mother and her other friends: "Now I am married I can give up!" 

She got her husband and a nice house. She did absolutely nothing in the house, did no housework, no cooking, ate all day and quadrupled in size. She had no job outside the house.

My mother and her friends warned her, her husband complained to her and dropped hints.

She was shocked when he just left her, one day after several years of trying.

But to my mother's disgust, she still didn't get it and blamed her husband.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

As odd as this may sound....

We all have a hidden side.
Sometimes that side pops out un-expectantly, and sometimes we marry it.

..............................................

Even odder, to most...

We marry someone represented by our 7th House. 
We own our 7th House and it may be a wreck.
We are attracted to certain people, and they may be neurotic.

..........................................

I own your thread.
I live it, and have done so for years.
I have Uranus in my 7th House and that gas-filled 'baby' is badly afflicted.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

You only gave one example so maybe there are better ones but is this a case of she gets excited/overworked about something but isn't really angry at you but you take it as anger? 

I hate using the windshield washer at the gas pumps too. They're dirty and gross. If my BF were about to use it I might excitedly yell out the window for him not to use but I wouldn't be angry at him about it. He'd put it back and I'd thank him for the thought. But some people seem to equate a sense of urgency like this with anger. I wouldn't be angry but I'd be excited to try and catch him before he used the dirty water on my car. (ok...really, I would live if he did it but blech.)

If this is definitely not the case I'd say you should move on if this type of thing keeps happening. She won't change.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> My mother had a friend who, after she got married said to my mother and her other friends: "Now I am married I can give up!"
> 
> She got her husband and a nice house. She did absolutely nothing in the house, did no housework, no cooking, ate all day and quadrupled in size. She had no job outside the house.
> 
> ...


The thing is...

She knew, not better, despite the warnings. 
This was her birth right, one inherited.
A so, so sad one, at that.

Some people are 'fixed' in their ways.
Some people have hard heads, some made of dark and opaque, such tempered glass.

_King Brian-_


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here it is in a nutshell....

Most men hate to bossed around.
Especially, by a female.
It reminds them of their mother.

And, not by any lady that is supposed to be their lover.

Or, should be a lover and not a teacher, not an instructor!

It just isn't...
No!
It just isn't romantic.

As @Livvie said, this abuse can go both ways, with the sexes.
Natch.

_The Typist-_


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Yes, please give us more examples of her behavior.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Because I don't know about you, but I came from a physically abusive original family, and when I picked my first husband, I picked an abuser!


Could it be because you wanted a second chase at facing it down?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Could it be subconsciously that you're looking for danger? While dating, my husband showed me the texts from his so called friend. She did some cruel numbers on him. For example, he offered to take her and her female friend out to dinner for her birthday. She turned it down and said, "Me and Sharon are going to go out on our own."

On another occasion, she sent 3 texts in succession, each of them began with the word "Asshole" as if that were his first name.

I asked him, how can you like someone who treats you that way?

Men need to be careful about these relationships. Women like me will wonder how much drama do you need?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Those felt closest feel the anger and the anguish… secondly.
The first feeler is the originator.
Those near and abused are given what is palpated first by the perpetrator.
This explanation does not absolve the abuser, it ‘splains’ them, however so pains the abused.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

oh gee, I have very long long red scarf, could go around the town.....


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Then again...

Some Earthlings have skin, such skin, oh my, too thin.
The littlest remark, the littlest barb, sets them off and moaning.
They act as perfect beings, not a fault to be found.

Only I am am that Perfect Being!

_The Red Queen-_


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Threadjack...

Red was unknowingly mentioned in succession....here.

What is this phenomenon called?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Here it is in a nutshell....
> 
> Most men hate to bossed around.
> Especially, by a female.
> ...


I need to follow up on this notion.
I see it as 'important'.

If you live with a woman, day in and day out, and all she does is complain, complain about you, complain about everything...

How is it you can snuggle in bed with such a personality.
How can you twist your mind into a pretzel and see her in any kind of romantic light?

_The Typist-_


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> Could it be subconsciously that you're looking for danger? While dating, my husband showed me the texts from his so called friend. She did some cruel numbers on him. For example, he offered to take her and her female friend out to dinner for her birthday. She turned it down and said, "Me and Sharon are going to go out on our own."
> 
> On another occasion, she sent 3 texts in succession, each of them began with the word "Asshole" as if that were his first name.
> 
> ...


This sort of personality 'often' arises from the 'ill' effect of Scorpio and/or Mars.
Such dripping sarcasm flows from their mouths.

I have some such large reservoirs (of this) within me.
I am ever polite and hold it at bay. 
With effort, I assure you.

_SunCMars-_


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> This sort of personality 'often' arises from the 'ill' effect of Scorpio and/or Mars.
> Such dripping sarcasm flows from their mouths.
> 
> I have some such large reservoirs (of this) within me.
> ...


So, is it really cool to be rude and crude?


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Lake life said:


> I’m thinking they are attracted to my personality. I need to do a better job screening in the future and set my red flag detector to high.


They can be attracted to your personality all they want, but it would mean nothing if you weren't attracted to them too. 

You need to figure out why?


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> I need to follow up on this notion.
> I see it as 'important'.
> 
> If you live with a woman, day in and day out, and all she does is complain, complain about you, complain about everything...
> ...


you don't. your relationship slowly disappears. goes for both sexes. this forum is full of stories like this.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> So, is it really cool to be rude and crude?


No, absolutely not.

That said, some folks find it hard, not to be 'themselves' for the sake of peace and politeness.
We all have an emotional balance and sometimes the harsher side seems to dominate a person.

Just sayin'


_THRD-_


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> No, absolutely not.
> 
> That said, some folks find it hard, not to be 'themselves' for the sake of peace and politeness.
> We all have an emotional balance and sometimes the harsher side seems to dominate a person.
> ...


I know. I am divorcing one right now....


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The best women, the best men are lovers.
Lovers of most everything, that which is easily seen as beautiful.

They love their partners, and are not afraid to show it.
They are careful with their words.

They are generous with all they have.
They are actively generous in bed.

All of us are occasionally out of sorts, and anxious.
Let your partner know when this sort of behavior rises up and pre-excuse yourself.

Hopefully, you then will be given the benefit of the doubt.
Ah, just don't make a habit of it.

If you cannot, here comes the medication, the alcohol; this is not good.

Yet, taking anti-anxiety meds may be better than taking leave of your beloved....for some.
Hmm?


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

Another example- last week she has one of those Extra large Samsung tablets. She was holding it and saying she wished she could load some hiking trail maps into it but there was no way. 
In a normal voice, I said you may be able to plug in a card reader and make it work. 
( I’m looking at the connection port on the tablet) 
She pops off in a very Loud rude tone “ I just said this thing can’t do that it doesn’t have any where to plug into “
I said that was uncalled for. I stood up , twisted the tablet and pointed and said what the hell is this? 
Her reply was “ Oh I never saw that before. “. No apology, nothing. Just threw me the red flag for my quilt 🤬


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Some people are just freaking rude, they think they can communicate in rude ways and that it won't have an effect on their relationships. 

Let her see the natural consequences of being a rude person.

Let the relationship go.

This is her innate personality. If she wanted to change it, she would have by now.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Lake life said:


> I saw a couple of signs at the 6 month point and addressed them, she apologized then. But this recent attitude came out of left field and she now makes excuses and tries to blame me.
> I told her before we dated I expected mutual respect and nothing less.


You are proving to her that your word is not true. You are getting disrespect yet still staying with her. Your actions have to back up your words. 

I do empathize with you, I have the worlds worst man picker. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Carburatedexcuses (Jun 4, 2019)

There’s a reason some beauties are unmarried. Yes they are like this. All the good ones are gone.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> The best women, the best men are lovers.
> Lovers of most everything, that which is easily seen as beautiful.
> 
> They love their partners, and are not afraid to show it.
> ...


occasionaly, everybody can have a bad moment. as long as it is occassionaly, not on daily basis.

and if you are on anti-anxiety meds because of your loved one, well... maybe you should leave. they don't love you enough to care about your well-being. empty words of love are not good enough


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> You are proving to her that your word is not true. You are getting disrespect yet still staying with her. Your actions have to back up your words.
> 
> I do empathize with you, *I have the worlds worst man picker.*
> 
> ...


That, my Dear, I doubt. 

While you may have picked lemons, and all were sweet-n-sour, none were truly a poisonous lout.

I know this, as you have lived to tell of it, and you are here, smiling and alive, to so say this and spout.

Uh, and maybe gloat. But that was not a proper rhymer.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Carburatedexcuses said:


> There’s a reason some beauties are unmarried. Yes they are like this. *All the good ones are gone.*
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Not always, but often.

As the good ones are/were rare to begin with, with each passing year, this makes them even more scarce.

I know a beauty or two that would make a great wife.
They are diligently waiting for the right person.

I wish them well, a deep one, full of warm clean, soul cleansing water.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> They can be attracted to your personality all they want, but it would mean nothing if you weren't attracted to them too.
> 
> You need to figure out *why*?


Why, it seems, is the answer rarely admitted to.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> No, not every woman is like this. But apparently you are attracted to women like this. Worth figuring out why?


Sometimes the why, is who leads the charge, and who first initiates the relationship.

Some like to be pursued, some like to be the chaser.
And, then they feel off balance when the opposite occurs.


_THRD-_


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> Even odder, to most...
> 
> *We marry someone represented by our 7th House.*
> We own our 7th House and it may be a wreck.
> ...


This isn't what happened with MY husband...MY 7th is EMPTY, and only his Mars placement matches the same sign as my 7th...and it's the energy I hate MOST about him...!!!


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Poor communication skills is certainly not gender specific. Many times people bounce back how they feel they are being treated. You say you are very low key, is it possible these women think your patients and speaking tone are condescending? Just a thought.

It's also possible you are picking angry immature women to date. Or women who are just unhappy they were born

No reason to tolerate any behavior you're not happy with....just move along and try again.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> This isn't what happened with MY husband...MY 7th is EMPTY, and only his Mars placement matches the same sign as my 7th...and it's the energy I hate MOST about him...!!!


You said it best..

The planets within each house have an effect on that portion of the horoscope.

If no planets reside in a given house, than the ruler of that house's cusp has the major effect.

The ruler(s) of the 7th describe your romantic partner, your business partner(s), if any, and oddly, *your open enemies*.

The ruler of any house is taken from the sign on its cusp, and any planets within.

The Sun in a female horoscope often describes her husband and father.

FYI, The 12th house rules, and describes those, your hidden enemies.

I am assuming that he has Aries (or maybe *Scorpio) ruling the 7th (on the 7th house cusp)?

*Pluto is no longer a planet!


_King Brian-_


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> You said it best..
> 
> The planets within each house have an effect on that portion of the horoscope.
> 
> ...


Pluto may no longer be a planet, but it's influence cannot be discounted, whatever astronomers decide to call it! Lol!!

My 7th Ruler is Gemini, and I have NO attraction to such a flighty energy - it's his Mars as well.
HIS 7th Ruler is Pisces, with only Chiron in it, and I have NO Pisces in my chart...

Why would you assume Aries or Scorpio...based on ME...?? Lol!

Thank you, King Brian!!! (you don't happen to have your Sun in Leo, do you...?  )


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Sometimes I have my moments when my tone isn’t that nice. It happens. Doesn’t make me a bad person, and I wouldn’t call it verbal abuse. 
Sounds like your a little sensitive.


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> Sometimes I have my moments when my tone isn’t that nice. It happens. Doesn’t make me a bad person, and I wouldn’t call it verbal abuse.
> Sounds like your a little sensitive.


Nope, If I make a mistake or do something wrong I can take my lumps and still be glad to apologize. 
But when the mouth goes from zero to 100 in 3 seconds over something really small or even fabricated, the problem is not me. This type of lashing out is dysfunction 101.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Are you choosing really hot women or the girl next door.

I would think red flags are:
1. The person believes they perfection incarnate.
2. They complain about others for any reason.
3. they're not self aware about their shortcomings.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Lake life said:


> Nope, If I make a mistake or do something wrong I can take my lumps and still be glad to apologize.
> But when the mouth goes from zero to 100 in 3 seconds over something really small or even fabricated, the problem is not me. This type of lashing out is dysfunction 101.


You can’t expect someone to be perfect all the time. If this is a once in a while thing, it’s not that big of a deal,


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why might this happen sometimes with some women?









And there are their male counterparts, too...


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I appreciate this topic. I am definitely a women that has tone issues. It’s difficult to control. My mom is the same way. It’s not all the time, but when I’m really stressed. 
Unfortunately even when I try it still comes out. It’s something my partner is going to have to live with. Everyone has something I suppose.


----------



## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Livvie said:


> Some people are just freaking rude, they think they can communicate in rude ways and that it won't have an effect on their relationships.
> 
> Let her see the natural consequences of being a rude person.
> 
> ...


True. My hubby is a rude person and he expects me ta be OK with it. “Oh you know that’s how I am, You know I love you.”. They don’t know that comes a moment when you are tired and sick of their behavior. I have told him, my peace of mind is more important than anything else in a relationship. He doesn’t get it, he will never will. He will never change .


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Sometimes I have my moments when my tone isn’t that nice. It happens. Doesn’t make me a bad person, and I wouldn’t call it verbal abuse.
> Sounds like your a little sensitive.


 "you are too sensititve" - If I hear that from potential partner in the future, I am out. I have heard enough of that. Maybe you are not sensitive enough.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> You can’t expect someone to be perfect all the time. If this is a once in a while thing, it’s not that big of a deal,


The one on the receiving end is the one who can tell you if this is big deal or not. It usually not a big deal for the one who does it. They yell a little, and then they fine.The partners gets the emotional bruises.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> "you are too sensititve" - If I hear that from potential partner in the future, I am out. I have heard enough of that. Maybe you are not sensitive enough.


Maybe. 

All I know is that what I want to get across is never malicious or ill willed. I don’t mean to be rude and I don’t notice it when I do it. It’s just frustrating when it’s always picked apart and made a really big deal. To me, it’s making a mole hill into a mountain. Especially if the person knows my intent. I am not excusing my behavior. But sometimes things just need to be dropped. Especially if someone is super stressed or had a really bad day. 

If people are constantly doing this I agree that’s a big deal. 

People end relationships with people over many things. If this is something that is a deal breaker to the OP, then I get it. But not everyone is perfect.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> The one on the receiving end is the one who can tell you if this is big deal or not. It usually not a big deal for the one who does it. They yell a little, and then they fine.The partners gets the emotional bruises.


I just think it’s crazy to say emotional abuses if someone says don’t wash my windows!! 

I get it, if it happens all the time it can be demoralizing. But to say verbal abuse is a little extra to me. 
When someone has a tone with me, I think to myself wow they must be really stressed out, or this must mean a lot to them. I never think it’s about me, and I’m a victim of excited speech.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Maybe.
> 
> All I know is that what I want to get across is never malicious or ill willed. I don’t mean to be rude and I don’t notice it when I do it. *It’s just frustrating when it’s always picked apart and made a really big deal*. To me, it’s making a mole hill into a mountain. Especially if the person knows my intent. I am not excusing my behavior. But sometimes things just need to be dropped. Especially if someone is super stressed or had a really bad day.
> 
> ...


It is not made into big deal, apparently it was a big deal for whoever is on the receiving end of your not malicious outrage. It looks like you are not respecting another person feelings, and how you make them feel. Not enough to try to change it. You'd rather keep excusing it. 

Do you like when someone else lashes out at you? How does that make you feel? loved? respected? or bullied? hurt?

It's one thing when your co-worker does it, another when it is someone who says they love you. You are supposed to feel comfortable and safe with that person.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> It is not made into big deal, apparently it was a big deal for whoever is on the receiving end of your not malicious outrage. It looks like you are not respecting another person feelings, and how you make them feel. Not enough to try to change it. You'd rather keep excusing it.
> 
> Do you like when someone else lashes out at you? How does that make you feel? loved? respected? or bullied? hurt?
> 
> It's one thing when your co-worker does it, another when it is someone who says they love you. You are supposed to feel comfortable and safe with that person.


I don’t think saying don’t wash my windows is lashing out. That’s a stretch. Again this is my personal opinion. I try my best to deliver my message nicely, and it doesn’t happen all the time. I’m not perfect.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> I don’t think saying don’t wash my windows is lashing out. That’s a stretch. Again this is my personal opinion. I try my best to deliver my message nicely, and it doesn’t happen all the time. I’m not perfect.


"Don't wash my windows" is not what we are discussing on this forum. We are discussing husbands/wives/partners lashing out at their partners, not "once in a while", but as basically way of communications. It creates misery, and kills love. ends in divorce.

I am not sure why are you triggered by this. Getting pissed off at something and raising voice when you have a reason, is one thing. Making your partner your punching bag is a problem.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> "Don't wash my windows" is not what we are discussing on this forum. We are discussing husbands/wives/partners lashing out at their partners, not "once in a while", but as basically way of communications. It creates misery, and kills love. ends in divorce.
> 
> I am not sure why are you triggered by this. Getting pissed off at something and raising voice when you have a reason, is one thing. Making your partner your punching bag is a problem.


I understand what your saying. And I 100% agree with you, you never want to make your partner a punching bag. I just didn’t think the OPs examples were worthy of calling it verbal abuse. 

I am triggered by this because I have tone problems every once in a while, and I am made to feel like a murderer when my tone isn’t just right. And I think some things should be looked the other way. Especially when someone is stressed out or having a bad day. Not everything we do needs to be picked apart and talked about, It creates a toxic environment. Then a tit for tat.

I find it hard to believe that the OP is always getting verbally abused by all his x girlfriends and now current girlfriend.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> I understand what your saying. And I 100% agree with you, you never want to make your partner a punching bag. I just didn’t think the OPs examples were worthy of calling it verbal abuse.
> 
> I am triggered by this because I have tone problems every once in a while, and I am made to feel like a murderer when my tone isn’t just right. And I think some things should be looked the other way. Especially when someone is stressed out or having a bad day. Not everything we do needs to be picked apart and talked about, It creates a toxic environment. Then a tit for tat.
> 
> I find it hard to believe that the OP is always getting verbally abused by all his x girlfriends and now current girlfriend.


As I thought, we are not that far apart.

It is not neccessary abuse what he experience, but he has every right not to accept that kind of behavior. The way these women talk to him shows that they think this is ok. I am triggered by this, because I had 23 years of dealing with someone who thinks barking and yelling at me was ok. I am divorcing now, and believe me - NEVER AGAIN I will accept that again. You like barking, maybe you are fine person, but not for me.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> Sometimes I have my moments when my tone isn’t that nice. It happens. Doesn’t make me a bad person, and I wouldn’t call it verbal abuse.
> Sounds like your a little sensitive.


Many of us have this problem.
With our tone, with others seemingly, moaning tone.

It happens....,After becoming frustrated with another person, we seem only to hear the tone and not the words.
When first married your SO hangs on to every one of your words.

After some years, the words are memorized and the tone, that drone is all that is musically noted.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lake life said:


> Nope, If I make a mistake or do something wrong I can take my lumps and still be glad to apologize.
> But when the mouth goes from zero to 100 in 3 seconds over something really small or even fabricated, the problem is not me. This type of lashing out is dysfunction 101.


 Your marriage is another compatibility casualty.
So damn many are.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Many of us have this problem.
> With our tone, with others seemingly, moaning tone.
> 
> It happens....,After becoming frustrated with another person, we seem only to hear the tone and not the words.
> ...


sounds like you minimizing the issue


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> As I thought, we are not that far apart.
> 
> It is not neccessary abuse what he experience, but he has every right not to accept that kind of behavior. The way these women talk to him shows that they think this is ok. I am triggered by this, because I had 23 years of dealing with someone who thinks barking and yelling at me was ok. I am divorcing now, and believe me - NEVER AGAIN I will accept that again. You like barking, maybe you are fine person, but not for me.


When humans bark, it shows them having a (little dogs) hair trigger.
With them having a wild hair, up....somewhere smelly.

Life and its stresses has them down and they share that down-falling with you.
Common, easy to see, but why tolerate it, life is too short.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> sounds like you minimizing the issue


Aaap, no you don't!
Ain't the case.
Nope.

Issues can be discussed much easier from the sidelines.

Yet, I am in the barbers seat on this issue and can still, rationally, understand things......that are emotionally charged.

Understanding and accepting and liking are three different things.

I do understand, I accept that which I cannot change.
Nope, don't like it.


_THRD-_


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Yet, I am in the barbers seat on this issue and can still, rationally, understand things......that are emotionally charged.
> 
> Understanding and accepting and liking are three different things.
> 
> ...


Oh, I understand it all completely. Not accepting anymore. Because it was emotionally charged.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> "you are too sensititve" - If I hear that from potential partner in the future, I am out. I have heard enough of that. Maybe you are not sensitive enough.


It is part of being a woman, this sensitiveness.

It is a trait that men should recognize and nurture. 
Provided, of course, she deserves this!

Men can be insensitive clods, and can also be overly-sensitive basket cases.
We see them on TAM, all the time.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Being sensitive is good....
Being cactus prikly and badly-reactive is not.

Life and its stresses make many of us too snap-happy.

It is hard for a man to kiss a lady tiger, not knowing what she will do next!


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A dear ladies hormones (her moods) are a man's best friend one minute, his worst nightmare the next.

Just Sayin'

Go easy on the men-folk, it ain't easy for anybody.

Any bodies, male or female, all fail us.
Our minds are buried deep in our bodies.

And, getting old is getting old, and is painfully hard to deal with.

_King Brian-_


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> It is part of being a woman, this sensitiveness.


what a bs


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> A dear ladies hormones (her moods) are a man's best friend one minute, his worst nightmare the next.


Hormones my ass. it was my hormones, when my husband was yelling at me? it was my hormones, when he was barking at me for no reason?

I am out. It sounds like you are looking for excuses everywhere.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> Hormones my ass. it was my hormones, when my husband was yelling at me? it was my hormones, when he was barking at me for no reason?
> 
> I am out. It sounds like you are looking for excuses everywhere.


Hmm?

Sorry, I am not your enemy.

Rather, blather, I am just another dude giving his opinion, a common opinion, I believe.

Be out.
Be angry.

You do have a long road to travel to find any happiness.
As, do many.

You are not alone, in this, your journey.

Good luck.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I'm out, too.

Men can never win this (battle between the sexes) argument, nor should they try.

We are what we are, and should make the best of what we are.

.....................................................................................
Hang in there @Lake life. 

What you are witnessing here, uh, you are witnessing at home.
Methinks.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Rather, blather, I am just another dude giving his opinion, a common opinion, I believe.


opinion about fragile female egos. 

Don't you see how condensending this is?

Try to read more stories here, you will see these "sensitive" women, who have to deal with ass..les every day, and tell them they are too sensitive.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Let me help...

Ladies often forget that men also have hormone issues. It goes this way with both, our bodies.
It does.

Males must deal with 'mainly', manly testosterone.

If a man has too much, think teenage boys, here, you have an edgy youth, sometimes explosive and horny as hell.

In middle age, most men have the correct balance.

They must.

They must soldier on. They need to shrug off all those setbacks and stresses that a middle age man will certainly face.

And they do.

In later life, maybe in his fifties, testosterone starts to drop off. Men with lower than expected levels become cranky, critical, lazy and some become hard to live with.

Other's become fatter, less fit, jolly, more friendly and more domestic.

Some don't.

Some fight that weaker feeling and try to gain back that dominant edge. They often take those frustrated feelings out on the wife and the dog.

I know, men say that women have hormone problems and make jokes about this all the time.
Har-de-har.....not!

Our body is basically, an electro-chemical factory, waddling around on two spindly legs.

All kinds of things can go wrong with our make-up. And it makes us go squirrely.

Oh, it is never us, it is always some other poor schlub.

Eh?
........................................

Me?

I refuse to get old.
And, I am slowly losing the battle.


THRD-

PS.
I own this Avatar but do NOT ascribe to every word written, under my guise.

Ignore _The Typist_ and _Gwendolyn_.
They own their words, not me

Oh, do not criticize _The Red Queen_, you will pay for your insolence.
Um, yes.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@WandaJ ,

If you think we must continue to fight, let us arm wrestle.

I 'think' I can win that battle.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> @WandaJ ,
> 
> If you think we must continue to fight, let us arm wrestle.
> 
> I 'think' I can win that battle.


no, let's stop it. I don't want that fight. have a good day. just don't dismiss women't feelings due to their hormone, it won't be well taken


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Whew!

Brer Rabbit got out of Mrs. McGregors garden patch without getting skinned alive! 


_The Typist-_


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> Whew!
> 
> Brer Rabbit got out of Mrs. McGregors garden patch without getting skinned alive!
> 
> ...


I thought I might add. I know the lashing out is a common form of dysfunction for different reasons.
I learned this during marriage counseling 20+ years ago with my x wife. 
She never changed.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Girl_power said:


> Maybe.
> 
> All I know is that what I want to get across is never malicious or ill willed. I don’t mean to be rude and I don’t notice it when I do it. It’s just frustrating when it’s always picked apart and made a really big deal. To me, it’s making a mole hill into a mountain. Especially if the person knows my intent. I am not excusing my behavior.* But sometimes things just need to be dropped*. Especially if someone is super stressed or had a really bad day.
> 
> ...


You know my line in the sand. The things likely to be dropped in case of abuse of any kind are:
The partner.
The relationship.
The plans for the future. 
When you've been where I've been you will understand.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> You know my line in the sand. The things likely to be dropped in case of abuse of any kind are:
> The partner.
> The relationship.
> The plans for the future.
> When you've been where I've been you will understand.


Oh, my!

We ladies won again!
We got you to leave!

_Gwendolyn-_


----------



## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

Is it possible you are bringing it out of her? I'm not blaming you since I don't know the whole story, but every guy I met who would say "My exes are all crazy" turned out to be the reason they were going nuts- he was very disrespectful and triggered them to a point they started to respond in a less than calm manner. 

You can break up with her if you want, but if this is a recurring theme in the future, think about why they let loose like that, and if it's in response to something you keep doing.


----------



## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

Lake life said:


> Starting with my x wife and most of the women I’ve dated at some point ( I’m about to end a 1yr relationship)
> Think they can blame me for something then fly off the handle and think I’m going to put up with it .This has happened on several occasions. Lashing out for no good reason.
> Is every woman like this ?
> Is this what happens when the “crazy starts to leak out of the box “
> ...


I think you'll find that by about the one year mark the true person is coming out. Blame shifting is very common with women as is never apologising, as in their mind, they're perfect. You may have asked a question which made them feel uncomfortable so they've turned it around on you and cracked it at you and guess what it's all your fault. Meanwhile they're probably hiding something they don't want you to know. I find it funny to read responses on here from women essentially blaming you for the other woman's behaviour. We're all equally responsible for our own behaviour.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm always leery of people who claim to work with [insert any negative adjective here]; claiming that they always work harder than anyone else; who wants to change the rules of engagement / the end point, especially when it's obvious that they're behind. People who say that they hate losing is also dangerous territory.


----------



## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Rowan said:


> There are plenty of very nice, not verbally abusive, women out there. Just as there are plenty of very nice, not abusive, men in the dating world. But to find a good partner, you have to be:
> 
> really looking for a good partner
> ready and able to _be_ a good partner
> actively saying "no" to the ones who aren't right for you.


Quoting this because it is perfect. Read it over and over again until it sinks in.

Lake, be honest with yourself. First you say there were no issues. Oh, but then, there were 2 instances of her bad behavior where she apologized and you thought maybe she would get better. Oh, but here you are on unacceptable incident #3! Are you saying "No" to moving on and finding a good partner? Doesn't look like it. Instead you are here complaining and saying you're not ready to make a decision. Hell, you even acknowledge you wasted far too much time going through this with your exwife and yet here you are! Putting up with it again!

Do you seriously believe it's going to be different this time? Twice your girlfriend has been extended your grace and failed to change. She's not even apologizing this time because she knows you will keep dating her even if she doesn't take responsibility for the outburst. Here you are - still dating her with no concrete plans of breaking up. Do you see this pattern starts and ends with YOUR choices? Not hers. Not your exwife's. Not any other exgirlfriend's. They didn't hold a gun to your head and force you to stay with them despite them treating you like crap over and over again. You made that choice. Take some accountability this time. If you sincerely want to stop being verbally abused, BREAK UP with this verbal abuser and break up with the next one and the next one until you find a healthy partner. 6 months is nothing if that's how long you spend to learn your new girlfriend is just like the rest of them. The only thing worth than staying 6 months with an emotionally abusive partner is spending 6 months and 1 minute with them. Step up and make it end today. Stop wasting your time.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Goobertron said:


> Blame shifting is very common with women as is never apologising, as in their mind, they're perfect.


Blame shifting is common wiht some women, as well with some men. Fixed that for ya!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lake life said:


> The thing is they all started out great. They don’t show the true colors until later when they feel like it won’t run me off.
> This is after I go into great depths to explain what I expect and what the deal breakers are.
> Life is too short for this type of drama.


You say that your parents treated each other with dignity and respect. You issue might be that you entered the dating world thinking that way your parents are is the way all people are. Basically you were not prepared for how rotten some people can be. You were sheltered.

Take what's happened as a lesson, an important one. Set strong boundaries for yourself and then enforce them. The first time a woman crosses one of your boundaries, end the relationship.


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

nekonamida said:


> Quoting this because it is perfect. Read it over and over again until it sinks in.
> 
> Lake, be honest with yourself. First you say there were no issues. Oh, but then, there were 2 instances of her bad behavior where she apologized and you thought maybe she would get better. Oh, but here you are on unacceptable incident #3! Are you saying "No" to moving on and finding a good partner? Doesn't look like it. Instead you are here complaining and saying you're not ready to make a decision. Hell, you even acknowledge you wasted far too much time going through this with your exwife and yet here you are! Putting up with it again!
> 
> Do you seriously believe it's going to be different this time? Twice your girlfriend has been extended your grace and failed to change. She's not even apologizing this time because she knows you will keep dating her even if she doesn't take responsibility for the outburst. Here you are - still dating her with no concrete plans of breaking up. Do you see this pattern starts and ends with YOUR choices? Not hers. Not your exwife's. Not any other exgirlfriend's. They didn't hold a gun to your head and force you to stay with them despite them treating you like crap over and over again. You made that choice. Take some accountability this time. If you sincerely want to stop being verbally abused, BREAK UP with this verbal abuser and break up with the next one and the next one until you find a healthy partner. 6 months is nothing if that's how long you spend to learn your new girlfriend is just like the rest of them. The only thing worth than staying 6 months with an emotionally abusive partner is spending 6 months and 1 minute with them. Step up and make it end today. Stop wasting your time.





nekonamida said:


> Quoting this because it is perfect. Read it over and over again until it sinks in.
> 
> Lake, be honest with yourself. First you say there were no issues. Oh, but then, there were 2 instances of her bad behavior where she apologized and you thought maybe she would get better. Oh, but here you are on unacceptable incident #3! Are you saying "No" to moving on and finding a good partner? Doesn't look like it. Instead you are here complaining and saying you're not ready to make a decision. Hell, you even acknowledge you wasted far too much time going through this with your exwife and yet here you are! Putting up with it again!
> 
> Do you seriously believe it's going to be different this time? Twice your girlfriend has been extended your grace and failed to change. She's not even apologizing this time because she knows you will keep dating her even if she doesn't take responsibility for the outburst. Here you are - still dating her with no concrete plans of breaking up. Do you see this pattern starts and ends with YOUR choices? Not hers. Not your exwife's. Not any other exgirlfriend's. They didn't hold a gun to your head and force you to stay with them despite them treating you like crap over and over again. You made that choice. Take some accountability this time. If you sincerely want to stop being verbally abused, BREAK UP with this verbal abuser and break up with the next one and the next one until you find a healthy partner. 6 months is nothing if that's how long you spend to learn your new girlfriend is just like the rest of them. The only thing worth than staying 6 months with an emotionally abusive partner is spending 6 months and 1 minute with them. Step up and make it end today. Stop wasting your time.


 I’m done. I’ve given her more time than she deserves. 
Last night I asked her what her plans were for dealing with her her anger problem. I asked if she’s ever been to counseling. 
Told her I was willing to work with her to find a solution.( I should also mention she has 2 strikes at her job for anger issues) 
Yet she still holds to thinking she is justified in her actions. 
Tries to turn it around on me. 
Just as I was about to tell her it was over my neighbor knocked at the door for help with starting his car. 
So I plan to tell miss perfect I’m done tonight.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Lake life said:


> With dignity and respect, even during arguments


How did your dad treat your mother?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lake life said:


> I’m done. I’ve given her more time than she deserves.
> Last night I asked her what her plans were for dealing with her her anger problem. I asked if she’s ever been to counseling.
> Told her I was willing to work with her to find a solution.( I should also mention she has 2 strikes at her job for anger issues)
> Yet she still holds to thinking she is justified in her actions.
> ...


Aren't the two of you living together? What's you plan? Are you moving out? Whose name is on the lease/mortgage?

I ask because the way she's acting, it could get ugly when you tell her that it's over. Her response to you, not acknowledging that her behavior is not ok and her turning it on you, is a concern. You need to be prepared just in case she escalates the situation.


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Lake life said:


> Starting with my x wife and most of the women I’ve dated at some point ( I’m about to end a 1yr relationship)
> Think they can blame me for something then fly off the handle and think I’m going to put up with it .This has happened on several occasions. Lashing out for no good reason.
> Is every woman like this ?
> Is this what happens when the “crazy starts to leak out of the box “
> ...


The ones blaming your picker are right. But, it is not straight forward.

We all have some crazy. And, you taking out your crazy on her would be terrifying.

Your picker hastwo roles, one is choosing, one is being chosen. What you are selling to them is someone who can take on their crazy. 

As a gross generalisation, your ideal relationship might be one where both take responsibility for their own happiness and both do what they can to help the other achieve that. There are many women out there for whom, when they say "I love you", they are saying "my happiness is now all your responsibility". 

And, when they are not happy, despite them generously giving you so much responsibility, they will be hurt and angry. But, still want to stay, waiting for you to grow up and take responsibity for their happiness.


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Aren't the two of you living together? What's you plan? Are you moving out? Whose name is on the lease/mortgage?
> 
> I ask because the way she's acting, it could get ugly when you tell her that it's over. Her response to you, not acknowledging that her behavior is not ok and her turning it on you, is a concern. You need to be prepared just in case she escalates the situation.


We are long distance but I get a lot of time off from work. 
We still maintain separate houses. 
I should also add she has been Widowed for almost 3 years. 

Here’s how it went down. 

Let me back up a couple days in time.
After a couple of conversations where I told her that I felt her outbursts were very disproportionate to the situation. I brought up the topic of her missing her deceased husband and asked if she had dealt with the grieving process.
She said she missed him at times but thought she was fine.
I told her she was the only one who could explain the anger she displayed. 
I told her if she didn’t come up with a solution I was going to end the relationship. 
She pretty much “took it with a grain of salt “ 
The next day was when I called and told her I was ending the relationship. I saw no future for us.
To my amazement she did the 180 and said she thinks she needs some grief counseling and the outbursts could the result of her not being ready for me to take the place of her deceased husband.
So either we have a major breakthrough or I’m being played by a master manipulator! 
I’m gonna hang on and give her a chance. I’m in this a year , another week or 2 won’t hurt.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hopefully this is just something she figure out and stop doing. You calling her out on it is a good thing.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Keep track of the time. 

Whatever it is, she was able to hide it for the first 6 months.

Even if it is something as easy to sympathize with as losing a husband, she is the only that can step up and do the work to process that and find a healthier way of being.

As someone once wrote, “When I give you my strength, I make you weaker.” Seems there is a difference between giving someone support and concern, and giving someone a free pass to behave badly and harmfully.

Would be interesting to know if her problems at work started before or after her husband’s death.


----------



## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> They do it because they know you will take it. It starts irritating the hell out of them once they learn they can’t depend on you to be a leader and someone who takes control. They realize they are the ones who have to be responsible for everything and then the *****ing starts. It can be about anything and even seem unreasonable... but the fact is that she has learned your Not going to step up and be ...... a man.
> 
> Sh!t testing .... you failed


this is exactly correct.


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

thesky1291 said:


> this is exactly correct.


She just found out I won’t take it. She is admitting she needs some help to get thru this. 
She apologized on the phone and really seems sincere. 
Time will tell.... As always communication will be the key. 
PROPER, RESPECTFUL communication that is.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

So these verbal outbreaks are enough to break up with her over if she never stops them?


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> So these verbal outbreaks are enough to break up with her over if she never stops them?


Absolutely, it’s a deal breaker for me. ( Note - I’m talking about very small things that are very disproportionate with the situation. )


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

This has been something I have had to personally work on. I was a lasher outer about small things. I have learned that I have extreme anxiety and that was my MO. My husband wouldn’t stand for it and called me out, which in the moment really bothered me because I would have hoped he would have more compassion for me. My son witnessed his step-father call me out and started to do the same. And wow, what an eye opener to my behavior that was. For work I often use the expression “Your failure to plan does not equate to my emergency” and I think this applies here. My anxiety isn’t an excuse to pile it on someone else.

If you love this woman I hope you give her a chance to change now that she has acknowledged it is a problem. I do slip still but I correct course and apologize pretty fast.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Just try this !


----------



## Lake life (Nov 18, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Just try this !


 You try it and let us know how it works for ya


----------



## matador1958 (Oct 24, 2017)

I'm noticing a distinct trend of wives and girlfriends mistaking an adult "slow to anger" for weakness that needs abusing. I'd hate to think a woman is asking to be slapped down straight away. Same the other way around. If a husband mistakes his wife's forbearance as permission to abuse. This has got to stop.
Some people are very extrovert and make a big act of complaining, and to a laid back person this seems a bit out of order, but it's an act. From then on the laid back person either withdraws and seethes or snaps back and then there's a big ugly fight with only one winner.
Some women (and men) are very controlling and won't respect a man (or woman) who's confident in themselves. It's very easy for people to say just see the red flags and leave, but if you made a commitment or there's kids involved that option isn't so easy without hating a lot of other people and losing everything.


----------

