# Newly married stepchildren/lies



## Gabbyabby20 (Nov 19, 2021)

So I met the man of my dreams, or so I thought….. we have only been married for one year and all his lies are coming out. Sadly they’re about other women. Maybe im crazy (which is fine tell me if I am), but we get married and his daughter tried to break up our marriage she was only 10 at the time and was abusing our 2 year old (not getting into it but she is getting the help she needs). So slowly I found out he was lying about stupid stuff at first, but after we had to send his daughter away to get the help she needs our relationship went downhill. He seemed to fall out of love with me and blamed it on me. His daughter was physically hurting us, I didn’t know what else to do… I didn’t want her to suffer either… I knew she needed help and her teachers at school did to, after that he couldn’t say no. It was REALLY BAD. He was so hurt… I tried to be there for him… he wouldn’t let me. He acted like he was fine.

a couple months later… I thought he was cheating (still feel this way), but he came home and said “I’m not cheating but I am fantasizing and wanting other women. This is all new to me because I never felt this way in our marriage before or our relationship (when dating) “So that really hurt. Then he came out and said during the first phase of us dating his ex still lived with him, but there was no sex. He dated the girls he said he was just friends with (intuition was right), and he said there was a girl at work he thought was hot. So now I’m like…. Wtf? What do I do? He’s been seeing a therapist since his daughter, but clearly it wasn’t working because he was lying and doing all that stuff.
He keeps blaming me, apparently this is my fault he did this with the lies and other women. Hes mad because I “showed him the light” about his daughter. I’m so sad because she needed help and because of me and her teachers she’s getting it and is so happy! She doesn’t even look the same.

I want a divorce because I feel like I can’t trust him and he was letting our daughter and I get physically abused. He even saw on the house cameras what was happening. I know it is his daughter, I can’t imagine how hard that must be, but how did that lead him to thinking about other women? What do I do? I am starting to feel like this really is my fault… I made him fall out of love with me. Is this even possible? I’m so confused.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Narcissism is strong in this guy. 
He will use any reason to excuse his ****ty behavior. And he will never be wrong in his own mind. Everything that goes wrong in his life will be someone else’s fault and that someone is you.


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## Gabbyabby20 (Nov 19, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> Narcissism is strong in this guy.
> He will use any reason to excuse his ****ty behavior. And he will never be wrong in his own mind. Everything that goes wrong in his life will be someone else’s fault and that someone is you.


He never was like that before…. Ever! This is what I don’t understand.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Gabbyabby20 said:


> He never was like that before…. Ever! This is what I don’t understand.


It's called the old bait-and-switch. Narcissists are masters of the game. You see what they want you to see until they rope you in. Then they let you see who they really are - particularly when you have served your purpose and you are no longer useful to them.

So basically Mr. Wonderful is actually a cheater and a liar. Remain confused and in denial. Or wake up to the reality of the situation and kick this man's ass to the curb. Your life. Your choice.


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## Gabbyabby20 (Nov 19, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> It's called the old bait-and-switch. Narcissists are masters of the game. You see what they want you to see until they rope you in. Then they let you see who they really are - particularly when you have served your purpose and you are no longer useful to them.
> 
> So basically Mr. Wonderful is actually a cheater and a liar. Remain confused and in denial. Or wake up to the reality of the situation and kick this man's ass to the curb. Your life. Your choice.


Okay only reason why I’m confused is yes to the above statement, but he’s going to therapy? Don’t people like that not go to therapy becsuse they think nothing is wrong with them? Also when I cry he doesn’t get mad…. I’ve read over and over and he just doesn’t fit the criteria


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So what if he doesn't fit the DSM-5's current criteria as to what makes a narcissist? Maybe he's just an asshole. Either way, why waste YOUR time trying to figure HIM out? How about you focus on yourself instead? This jerk doesn't have your back, he's probably a cheater, and I'll toss in that he's basically a nut job.

Waste your time being confused about his not fitting a particular diagnosis, or cut your losses and reclaim YOUR life. Seriously.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He’s wasting your life. Get out. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Gabbyabby20 (Nov 19, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> So what if he doesn't fit the DSM-5's current criteria as to what makes a narcissist? Maybe he's just an asshole. Either way, why waste YOUR time trying to figure HIM out? How about you focus on yourself instead? This jerk doesn't have your back, he's probably a cheater, and I'll toss in that he's basically a nut job.
> 
> Waste your time being confused about his not fitting a particular diagnosis, or cut your losses and reclaim YOUR life. Seriously.


I really like your answer. You’re right I need to start living my life and not try to figure him out. Hahahaa “add that he’s a nut job” I love it! He’s getting worse and I think the therapist is validating him. She told him and I quote “My therapist has told me that what I'm doing should be enough to show you and the things I have done weren't as bad as they have been made out to be. The only thing bad was that they went against your personal beliefs and that was stupid to do. But she has told me to time and time again to start living my life and leave the choice up to you whether or not you can trust me again. But I have gone against that time and time again and have tried to show you every reason and get you to see and believe you can trust me” but God only knows what he says. Also do you have any tips on how to start living my life when something Like this is happening and you have no where to go yet?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Gabbyabby20 said:


> ... do you have any tips on how to start living my life when something Like this is happening and you have no where to go yet?


Me? I'd start focusing on finding SOMEWHERE to go. With that in mind, I'd be packing up what I wanted to take. I'd also detach. Easier said than done, but I did it so you can too. I just learned to block out a lot of what my husband was saying. I also practiced JADE if I had to talk to him, which means: I did not *j*ustify, *a*rgue, *d*eflect, or *e*xplain myself. That meant it boiled down to discussing only the bare bones minimum. No silent treatment. I just no longer engaged in the circular, go-nowhere arguments. If he tried to rope me in, I left the room or left the house. Since I was married to an alcoholic, I also went to more Al-Anon meetings, where I got great support.

I'd also suggest you consult with a family law attorney. Know your rights. Have your financial ducks in a row. And start living your life for YOU.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Gabbyabby20 said:


> So I met the man of my dreams, or so I thought….. we have only been married for one year and all his lies are coming out. Sadly they’re about other women. Maybe im crazy (which is fine tell me if I am), but we get married and his daughter tried to break up our marriage she was only 10 at the time and was abusing our 2 year old (not getting into it but she is getting the help she needs). So slowly I found out he was lying about stupid stuff at first, but after we had to send his daughter away to get the help she needs our relationship went downhill. He seemed to fall out of love with me and blamed it on me. His daughter was physically hurting us, I didn’t know what else to do… I didn’t want her to suffer either… I knew she needed help and her teachers at school did to, after that he couldn’t say no. It was REALLY BAD. He was so hurt… I tried to be there for him… he wouldn’t let me. He acted like he was fine.
> 
> a couple months later… I thought he was cheating (still feel this way), but he came home and said “I’m not cheating but I am fantasizing and wanting other women. This is all new to me because I never felt this way in our marriage before or our relationship (when dating) “So that really hurt. Then he came out and said during the first phase of us dating his ex still lived with him, but there was no sex. He dated the girls he said he was just friends with (intuition was right), and he said there was a girl at work he thought was hot. So now I’m like…. Wtf? What do I do? He’s been seeing a therapist since his daughter, but clearly it wasn’t working because he was lying and doing all that stuff.
> He keeps blaming me, apparently this is my fault he did this with the lies and other women. Hes mad because I “showed him the light” about his daughter. I’m so sad because she needed help and because of me and her teachers she’s getting it and is so happy! She doesn’t even look the same.
> ...


You should divorce. That girl didn't get that way in a vacuum. She was influence that direction by her role models, her parents. I wouldn't want them influencing my children the same way.


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## Gabbyabby20 (Nov 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You should divorce. That girl didn't get that way in a vacuum. She was influence that direction by her role models, her parents. I wouldn't want them influencing my children the same way.


He actually admitted to that not to long ago…. I actually yelled and told him I was “sorry that he came from bad parents, but I did as well and I didn’t go that way so there is absolutely no excuse. Your daughter is like this due to what her mom did while pregnant and being in your parents care. You were not there because all you did was work to support her with no help, but again no excuse. ” Although I appreciate him being very present for the child we have together and they love each other so much, I can’t deal with it anymore. A child is no reason to stay. Hahahaha he says he has changed but you can’t change within 3 months 🤣 he says he knows he did for sure this time.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The problem is going to be keeping your young one away from his old one. I'm thinking you would need a judge's order. I'm just making assumptions here that since he's divorced, is child is spending time with both parents so maybe it could be arranged where your shared child only spent time with him when he wasn't spending time with his other child.


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## Gabbyabby20 (Nov 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The problem is going to be keeping your young one away from his old one. I'm thinking you would need a judge's order. I'm just making assumptions here that since he's divorced, is child is spending time with both parents so maybe it could be arranged where your shared child only spent time with him when he wasn't spending time with his other child.


100% that will be court ordered.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Gabbyabby20 said:


> I really like your answer. You’re right I need to start living my life and not try to figure him out. Hahahaa “add that he’s a nut job” I love it! He’s getting worse and I think the therapist is validating him. She told him and I quote “My therapist has told me that what I'm doing should be enough to show you and the things I have done weren't as bad as they have been made out to be. The only thing bad was that they went against your personal beliefs and that was stupid to do. But she has told me to time and time again to start living my life and leave the choice up to you whether or not you can trust me again. But I have gone against that time and time again and have tried to show you every reason and get you to see and believe you can trust me” but God only knows what he says. Also do you have any tips on how to start living my life when something Like this is happening and you have no where to go yet?


His counselor can only go by what HE is telling them, which very likely isn't the truth and is being done to validate HIS actions.


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## Gabbyabby20 (Nov 19, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> His counselor can only go by what HE is telling them, which very likely isn't the truth and is being done to validate HIS actions.


Then I guess this man truly doesn’t want help. Which is a shame because he is a good guy besides this. Unfortunately this one seems to be very broken inside with narcissistic qualities. I’ve also been reading about dark empaths and thinking it’s that.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> _*So what if he doesn't fit the DSM-5's current criteria as to what makes a narcissist? Maybe he's just an asshole. *_



Agreed.

Stop trying to "diagnose" him and stay away from the typical "he's a Narcissist!" statements you get in message boards. No one is qualified to diagnose anyone, including you.

The bottom line is that you made a BAD CHOICE. Instead of trying to diagnose what's wrong with him, you just need to admit you made a bad choice in men, a bad decision to marry, and you need to get the hell out.

It's really that simple.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Gabbyabby20 said:


> So I met the man of my dreams, or so I thought….. we have only been married for one year and all his lies are coming out. Sadly they’re about other women. Maybe im crazy (which is fine tell me if I am), but we get married and his daughter tried to break up our marriage she was only 10 at the time and was abusing our 2 year old (not getting into it but she is getting the help she needs). So slowly I found out he was lying about stupid stuff at first, but after we had to send his daughter away to get the help she needs our relationship went downhill. He seemed to fall out of love with me and blamed it on me. His daughter was physically hurting us, I didn’t know what else to do… I didn’t want her to suffer either… I knew she needed help and her teachers at school did to, after that he couldn’t say no. It was REALLY BAD. He was so hurt… I tried to be there for him… he wouldn’t let me. He acted like he was fine.
> 
> a couple months later… I thought he was cheating (still feel this way), but he came home and said “I’m not cheating but I am fantasizing and wanting other women. This is all new to me because I never felt this way in our marriage before or our relationship (when dating) “So that really hurt. Then he came out and said during the first phase of us dating his ex still lived with him, but there was no sex. He dated the girls he said he was just friends with (intuition was right), and he said there was a girl at work he thought was hot. So now I’m like…. Wtf? What do I do? He’s been seeing a therapist since his daughter, but clearly it wasn’t working because he was lying and doing all that stuff.
> He keeps blaming me, apparently this is my fault he did this with the lies and other women. Hes mad because I “showed him the light” about his daughter. I’m so sad because she needed help and because of me and her teachers she’s getting it and is so happy! She doesn’t even look the same.
> ...


Hello,
Step kids are a wedge. Leave. Frued dead on. 
Stay single, get a boyfriend somewhat treats you nice, love and sex at a distance. Friends first I was married 3x w/step kids. You ate always riding *****.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Gabbyabby20 said:


> He never was like that before…. Ever! This is what I don’t understand.


He was showing you his good side, to keep you. 
His daughter saw his bad side and was acting out on what she knew to somebody who was weaker than her.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> He was showing you his good side, to keep you.
> His daughter saw his bad side and was acting out on what she knew to somebody who was weaker than her.


Hi gabby.
I am 57 and 15 years of my life wasted on a bad choice of woman wife. She forbade my son to stay at house, while I paid for her kids 
We divorced. I knew it was a mistake to start.
Please don't make a mistake. Age 37 to 54 for yourself is so important. Errors during thie time are not reversible. Younget you are, tje better chance of recovery. I am so regretful.
I can't get the time back to remarry to have kids if my own again and do it over right.

I don't know why I learned maturity and wisdom at 57 and not at 30. Wow.
You are going through this to grow. It's hard to embrace. In 6 months you will be different and better, trust me. The scar will never leave.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Don't listen to those who say stay or go. Your soul will tell you. Seek therapy. Dr. Dave


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

There had to be signs that this was a complete train wreck from the beginning. Focus on why you ignored those signs and even poured gas on the fire or else you may do it again.


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## Gabbyabby20 (Nov 19, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> There had to be signs that this was a complete train wreck from the beginning. Focus on why you ignored those signs and even poured gas on the fire or else you may do it again.


 There wasn’t, I was even going to therapy during this time. My therapist is an expert on dealing with narcissist and abusers, my ex from 2015 was an abuser and caused major PTSD. The man I am with now (my husband) was nowhere near like this. As soon as we got married he changed. He now wants a lie detector test to prove he hasn’t cheated physically and wouldn’t do that, but yes fantasizing about other women and checking them out he does, but that’s honestly not what makes my blood boil. It’s how he allowed his daughter to hurt our daughter knowing there has been something wrong…. UPDATE: the therapist said that the step daughter is a danger to the family and will be staying with her mom for good. They now currently live 4 states away so that is no longer a worry, but what he did still remains.


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