# Really confused about wife and her unhappiness



## Roo (Mar 16, 2013)

Hi..... I am new to this so please bear with me. I have spent the last few nights looking threw this forum trying to find a similar question to mine so I can just read the replies. But I can't and I feel my world is falling down around me. It's a long story but will try to keep it 

my wife and i had 3 babies which are not alive today for one reason r another. Only mention this as she has real issues even now with blaming herself. I have told her its not her fault and she should never blame herself for things she can't control. But it seems to fall on deaf ears all the time. 

We waited 2 years and had a boy, he came home with us which is when things went bad. After everything that had gone on I panicked and instead of talking to her I left. Still in love with her but just scared as she seemed to not need me and never had time. Selfish I no but I didn't see that at the time and never realised she too was feeling the same way as me. 

After leaving I did what no one should ever do and went to her sisters. Looking bak now I have no idea what made me go there. Things soon escalated between me and her sister and my partner found out. So I had not only left the woman I was in love with I had also managed to hurt her more than I could ever thought possible. After time and a lot of sorries on my part we decided r should that be she decided to give me a chance. But over next 4-5 years all I did was sneak behind her bak with her sister, not sexual more emotional. I am surprised she even talks to me let alone take me bak looking at how I was. 

After a few more years we decided to try again for baby and luckily it turned out good again. But she started to feel a wave of emotion come over her all the time. She never let me or other family members near the baby and told me often she had a real feeling of dread as if something bad was goin to happen to the baby and would not let him out of her sight for more than 10 mins. At the time I thought nothing of it as she was and is a good mum but now wonder if it was the start of her downward spiral as looking back it seems like post natal depression but might be wrong. 

That was a few yrs ago so now just before Xmas I find out she is texting and talking to some other bloke from her work in secret as he to is married. She works a rolling rota of 4 on 4 off 12 hrs a night shift. When I confronted her about it she basically told me she wasn't bothered I had found out due to her thinking I didn't really want her. She was drunk at the time and said some nasty things to me but I put it down to the drink more than her. She promised to stop all contact wiv him as much as possible due to working with him. Not ideal but noting I can do about it so I have to try and trust her. While this is happening I can see she is slipping further and further down the depression road. I no the signs as I have had it before. But she thinks I am trying to control her I just didn't want her to make the same mistakes I did as she is not a strong emotional person and things weigh heavy on her mind. She over thinks things and always looks on the bad/down side of life. So in Feb I find out she had slept wiv this bloke from work in Jan and when I asked her about it she said it was a mistake and she didn't want him, but she now thinks I don't deserve her and is tired all the time. She shows most of the signs of depression from not sleeping to weight lose. I got her to go GP and they said she was depressed but she refuses that she is, saying she is not depressed just "unhappy". But I know the real lady and the person she is now is not the person she was a few months ago. The last few days she has been telling me 'to leave' and 'doesn't love me' but wen I say I will go she says 'no'. I have looked on the net and it would seem like it is more lust with this bloke due to only talking to him for a few months. She says she doesn't want him just on her own. 

I suppose my question is this really, with everything that has happened between us, is she suffering from depression and in denial. I have told her I am never leaving her again as its the biggest mistake I have ever made. But she feels I deserve better but I only want her. I feel lost as I try to support her and not upset/annoy her so she can start to get back to something like her normal self. I should mention she has recently had her meds up to 100mg of sertraline by her GP. I love her and wish I could take all her pain and suffering away but she feels like its her pain and she has to do all this on her own and won't let me help her when she needs it the most. 

I no I caused most if not all the issues in our relationship and I am sorry every day for the things I have put her through as she means everything to me. Hope this makes sense as I feel like I am rambling about my own mess up in life but my wife is all I care about.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh my, that is more pain than any human could possibly be expected to bear. Your poor wife! I'm so very sorry for your loss. 

First, you need to understand that antidepressants don't cure depression. These drugs can help alleviate the worst of the symptoms so that a person can function, can learn to cope as long as they are in therapy. Is your wife in therapy? 

If she is not in therapy, this is a must! She has a mountain's worth of pain, regret, anger, fear, rage, betrayal and on and on to work through.

You know, it's bad enough when a husband steps out, but when he steps out with his wife's sister... You have effectivelt cut off a potential avenue of support and increased the betrayal ten fold. I gotta say, with this amount of pain it could be years before she could even begin to face and work through the death of her children along with your betrayal.

To help her, you are going to have to be strong enough to find a way to take her anger and get her into therapy. You are going to have to be her punching bag, you are going to have to be the shoulder she cries on, as you find the best therapist in driving range. Mot just any, but a therapist who specializes in grief and betrayal.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I realize my question may be quite painful for you to answer, and I apologize, but I'm confused. You said you and your wife had three babies which have all died "for one reason or another". You mentioned having a son and your wife not allowing anyone near him. Your description is of an apparently healthy child. The rest of your post, he's not mentioned. What were the circumstances regarding each of your childrens' deaths and are you and your wife now childless? I have to believe those events probably have a lot to do with your marriage problems. You said, yourself, she is blaming herself. Why might she feel their deaths are her fault?


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## Roo (Mar 16, 2013)

To Anon pink.. I understand about how the meds work in taking the edge off her depression. No my wife refuses to go to any kind of therapy and get annoyed/agitated at me even mentioning about her needing to talk to a 3rd party. I have offered to go with her or let her go on her own but she refuses both. 
I no looking bak how stupid I was and I don't look in mirrors much these days as I don't like seeing myself for what I have done to my wife. But that is my demon I am fighting every day. 
I know I have to be strong now more than ever for her but I worry she is going to this other bloke more and more due to the things she was saying last night to me. I don't want to control her so much as try and stop her making the same mistakes I made, as I know she will feel even worse about herself when the meds kick in type of thing. 
Do I take the things she is saying about not loving me r wanting me to heart or let it roll off my bak and grow some pretty thick skin and strong shoulders. 
Thank you for reading as I know it was a long post


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## Roo (Mar 16, 2013)

To Unbelievable. 

Yes we had them at 24.17,27 weeks. The first lived for 6 weeks. The second was classed as miscarriage and the third was a still birth. We now have 2 boys and I left wen we had the first and it was the second child my wife started to feel this doom or dread come over her. Both children were early but they didn't have any problems and came home with us after brief stays in hospital. 

She blames herself about the 3 kids as she thinks its her fault, it was her body they were inside and she should of been able to do something to stop having them early. I have spent many nights and days trying to convince her it has nothing to do with her body or that she could of done anything more than she was doing but she won't listen to me.
This morning she told me again she can't let me take any of the pain away as its hers and nothing to do with me. She is now also starting to pull away from me when I try to kiss r hug her. 
Thank you for reading as I no it's a long post


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