# A sexless marriage is NOT a happy marriage



## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

I've seen it often on this forum, particularly from women, that say their marriage is great and they have a happy marriage. The only issue is, they don't have sex.

A sexless marriage is not a happy marriage.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I would like to add that, unless for medical reasons or mutually agreed upon, a sexless marriage isn't a marriage at all.


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## kev23 (Aug 16, 2012)

Adex said:


> I've seen it often on this forum, particularly from women, that say their marriage is great and they have a happy marriage. The only issue is, they don't have sex.
> 
> A sexless marriage is not a happy marriage.


This is so very true. If sex is a big part of one's enjoyment (i.e. me), then it is impossible to be truly happy. I know that when I get it on a regular basis, I am truly a better, happier person in all other areas. It drives me to take better care of things in other areas. Lack of sex just makes me withdraw from those other activities, or from doing them with the same vigor behind it. This is why I will likely be ending my marriage once and for all. You can refer to my post from yesterday to see why I feel the way I do. I hope to find a woman like the many on these boards here, who have been deprived from their husbands (what is wrong with these guys??!!) for years. I believe the sex that would take place between me and a woman like that would absolutely be on fire, and we would truly appreciate one another's sexual appetite.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'd leave a sexless marriage ....I'd be too grouchy to put up with.... the love would dry up as the resentment climbed to the heavens...my husband knows when I start getting bi*chy...basically >> 
*I need laid* ... it is kinda a running joke between us.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I would like to add that, unless for medical reasons or mutually agreed upon, a sexless marriage isn't a marriage at all.


Didn't think about the medical reasons part. Using your mouth or hands to pleasure your spouse is basically sex as well. So even with medical reasons, it's not an excuse.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Adex said:


> Didn't think about the medical reasons part. Using your mouth or hands to pleasure your spouse is basically sex as well. So even with medical reasons, it's not an excuse.


:iagree:


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'd leave a sexless marriage ....I'd be too grouchy to put up with.... the love would dry up as the resentment climbed to the heavens...my husband knows when I start getting bi*chy...basically >>
> *I need laid* ... it is kinda a running joke between us.


Not just grouchy, SA, it can affect a person's physical and mental health. When I was in a sexless marriage, way back in my 20s/early 30s, I developed a host of weird and 'wonderful' issues. The minute I left the marriage, they miraculously disappeared!


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## kev23 (Aug 16, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'd leave a sexless marriage ....I'd be too grouchy to put up with.... the love would dry up as the resentment climbed to the heavens...my husband knows when I start getting bi*chy...basically >>
> *I need laid* ... it is kinda a running joke between us.


It truly does lead to resentment. This is where I am at, and she knows what a big deal getting laid is, to me. She also knows that if she doesn't feel in the mood to get naked and have intercourse, that she gives one hell of a BJ, and she still whiffs out there. Its tiring, and I am at my breaking point!


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Once the intimacy leaves the marriage, the love is not far behind it. 

And it will be replaced by resentment.


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## kev23 (Aug 16, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Once the intimacy leaves the marriage, the love is not far behind it.
> 
> And it will be replaced by resentment.


Truth...this is how my wife and I got so close again after our separation, now she tells me I don't talk to her anymore, etc. I have told her when I lack the sexual intimacy we had been back to having when we were great again, this is how things go...she hasn't done anything to change it, so downhill we go.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

kev23 said:


> Truth...this is how my wife and I got so close again after our separation, now she tells me I don't talk to her anymore, etc. I have told her when I lack the sexual intimacy we had been back to having when we were great again, this is how things go...she hasn't done anything to change it, so downhill we go.


So are you going to stand up on your wall, and her on her wall, and stare at each other?

Or are you going to be the bigger man, and take the first steps to fixing it by giving her the emotiona intimacy she wants, and watch as her needs are gradually met, yours start to be met?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Adex said:


> Didn't think about the medical reasons part. Using your mouth or hands to pleasure your spouse is basically sex as well. So even with medical reasons, it's not an excuse.


There is no excuse unless one is a paraplegic or in a coma - Sex therapists have written books for situations like this >> 

Let Me Count the Ways: Discovering Great Sex Without Intercourse: Marty Klein



> *Cosmos said*: It truly does lead to resentment. This is where I am at, and she knows what a big deal getting laid is, to me. She also knows that if she doesn't feel in the mood to get naked and have intercourse, that she gives one hell of a BJ, and she still whiffs out there. Its tiring, and I am at my breaking point!


Although I have personally never been in this situation, not even a taste of it really.. when I questioned my husbands desire when he couldn't keep up.... I found myself really emotional about this ~ took me by surprise......*tormenting *to think what it would feel like to walk in such shoes... to feel your sexual want is a BURDEN to the one you love.... It would destroy me... I am too sensitive for something like that. 

I don't know how any of you can manage it day after day. My hats are off to you I know Kids throw a monkey wrench into the deal, but if someone ain't got them... get out - enjoy thy life & vibrant prime years ~ find another compatible who enjoys the throes of passion & intimacy !


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

kev23 said:


> Truth...this is how my wife and I got so close again after our separation, now _she tells me I don't talk to her anymore, etc._ I have told her when I lack the sexual intimacy we had been back to having when we were great again, this is how things go...she hasn't done anything to change it, so downhill we go.


I'm not minimizing your problem, because I know what it's like to feel rejected like that, but listen to what she's telling you there... If her love language is communication and she feels that you're not communicating with her, she won't feel like having sex with you. I know this becomes a vicious circle, but it somehow has to be broken by one of you.


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## kev23 (Aug 16, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I'm not minimizing your problem, because I know what it's like to feel rejected like that, but listen to what she's telling you there... If her love language is communication and she feels that you're not communicating with her, she won't feel like having sex with you. I know this becomes a vicious circle, but it somehow has to be broken by one of you.


I had continued doing so until the last week or so. We haven't had sex in a month. I have tried time and time again. I do a lot for her.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

kev23 said:


> I had continued doing so until the last week or so. We haven't had sex in a month. I have tried time and time again. I do a lot for her.


Any chance of you going for MC?


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## kev23 (Aug 16, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Any chance of you going for MC?


We have done so, and it did not help, then it did the last time around, but it never was taken to much of a sexual aspect.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

My sexless marriage is a marriage.
Most of the time it is happy.

Sexless is temporary I plan to be banging my wife for many years to come for life...then it'll be happier.

Don't give up on your spouse.
Sexless is temporary and a barometer of a stage of your marriage.

We are getting better.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

Adex said:


> I've seen it often on this forum, particularly from women, that say their marriage is great and they have a happy marriage. The only issue is, they don't have sex.
> 
> A sexless marriage is not a happy marriage.


Adex, 

You have an interesting opinion on the matter, 
but do you have a question? Are you currently in a sexless marriage and are asking for suggestions? Or is this just a round-about way of polling members? I'm not at all sure, perhaps you could clarify?


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Proof positive that this rings true in my case: my wife's libido has risen again after approx 10 long and difficult years and we're like two teenagers again. Can't do enough for the other. 

During our low points, we bickered and argued over the stupidest things. Her LD was causing me to act lie a jerk a lot and I knew all along that sex would go a long way in changing that. It did.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

This arrangement (marriage) is merely a contractual obligation. It's a job, essentially. And the wife is merely one of a few ungrateful insane bosses I have.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I agree OP, a sexless marriage is not a happy marriage. It does not mean it can't be fixed but it does mean that there are some major issues. Of course if both partners don't want sex but are still capable of love and togetherness that is a different thing as both of their needs are being met

But if one spouse does not want to have sex and refuses to work on the issues then it is doomed.

A sexless marriage goes so much deeper than simply no sex, it means no intimacy, loss of connection, resentment and a vicious cycle that will eventually destroy the marriage.
When one partner knowingly witholds sex and intimacy from the other they are engaging in a very selfish behaviour. They are refusing to meet the needs of their partner, they are breaking their vows to love and cherish their partner.

Sure they may have issues that have caused them to refuse sex but it is up to them to find a fix, whether that be seeing a Dr, talking with their spouse to resolve issues, going to counselling. Whatever it takes but to simply cut off the sex is a very selfish thing to do.

OP there is life after a sexless marriage. You are worthy of so much more.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> This arrangement (marriage) is merely a contractual obligation. It's a job, essentially. And the wife is merely one of a few ungrateful insane bosses I have.


Are you married or divorced? If you are married why do you stay? Sorry but all of your posts sound so resentful. 

Just asking.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Holland said:


> Are you married or divorced? If you are married why do you stay? Sorry but all of your posts sound so resentful.
> 
> Just asking.


The plan for the next year or so, is to craft an exit strategy that doesn't bankrupt everyone. I need to tread carefully with an angry paranoid psychopath who'd just as soon burn everything to the ground, involve the police, commit atrocities, that sort of thing.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Juicer said:


> So are you going to stand up on your wall, and her on her wall, and stare at each other?
> 
> Or are you going to be the bigger man, and take the first steps to fixing it by giving her the emotiona intimacy she wants, and watch as her needs are gradually met, yours start to be met?


I know why you said this but for the vast majority of us it doesnt work that way. It goes against rational thought...but it's true. Some spouses will get their emotional needs fulfilled and still not give a damn about reciprocating in a sexual manner. They just dont care.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I know why you said this but for the vast majority of us it doesnt work that way. It goes against rational thought...but it's true. Some spouses will get their emotional needs fulfilled and still not give a damn about reciprocating in a sexual manner. They just dont care.


...until presented with option A or B

Amazing what that does when done at the correct time.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i would not stay in a sexless marriage. i would stand in court and look the judge in the eye, and state the reason for this divorce is lack of sex.

if you wont have sex with me, you dont love me....why would i stay with someone who dosent love me?, you dont have respect for me to tell me to my face "i dont like XYZ", and instead for working to fix it....you choose not to give me common courtesy and respect, you chose not to have sex with me which equals you dont:
love me
--or--
respect me

im not going to stay where im not loved or valued, i also wont force someone to stay with me who dosent like me, and dosent want to be here...you can get your walking papers.


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## Uncle guy (Oct 1, 2012)

juicer said:


> once the intimacy leaves the marriage, the love is not far behind it.
> 
> And it will be replaced by resentment.


quoted for truth


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Holland said:


> I agree OP, a sexless marriage is not a happy marriage. It does not mean it can't be fixed but it does mean that there are some major issues. Of course if both partners don't want sex but are still capable of love and togetherness that is a different thing as both of their needs are being met
> 
> But if one spouse does not want to have sex and refuses to work on the issues then it is doomed.
> 
> ...


Bravo. This was what I was up against for all of these lean years and only when my wife took some responsibility and admitted that her LD was a problem that needed to be addressed did things begin to improve. 

In our case, she did look into some options, such as taking DHEA supplements and Yohimbe Bark (which did not agree with her). I also bought her '50 Shades' and a rabbit vibrator, and then things really began to click.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I would like to add that, unless for medical reasons or mutually agreed upon, a sexless marriage isn't a marriage at all.


:iagree:

sexless marriage should = divorce

it would make the two people a lot happier. but such is life that everyone wants to persist in suffering. 

Its such a shame


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> I'm not minimizing your problem, because I know what it's like to feel rejected like that, but listen to what she's telling you there... If her love language is communication and she feels that you're not communicating with her, she won't feel like having sex with you. I know this becomes a vicious circle, but it somehow has to be broken by one of you.


I agree with this concept.

But, my sense is that the dynamic here is one where he meets her needs, she gets complacent, he needs to pull back to get her to notice that she's falling short. Rinse and repeat.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I know why you said this but for the vast majority of us it doesnt work that way. It goes against rational thought...but it's true. Some spouses will get their emotional needs fulfilled and still not give a damn about reciprocating in a sexual manner. They just dont care.


Agree. We just saw a couple of ladies on a thread in "general relationships" section swear up and down that sex rightfully takes a back seat in a mature marriage. There likely is only one way to make your point in such a relationship.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Once the intimacy leaves the marriage, the love is not far behind it.
> 
> And it will be replaced by resentment.



:iagree:

*and anyone who thinks different is just fooling his/her self.*


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> Bravo. This was what I was up against for all of these lean years and only when my wife took some responsibility and admitted that her LD was a problem that needed to be addressed did things begin to improve.
> 
> In our case, she did look into some options, such as taking DHEA supplements and Yohimbe Bark (which did not agree with her). I also bought her '50 Shades' and a rabbit vibrator, and then things really began to click.


Well done to her for finding the fix and for you for supporting her. This is the difference between a couple that still has love.

With my ex he just never made the effort to fix his problems, I would have supported him through it but in the end his inaction showed me that I was not worth him making the effort.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Sex and 'being intimate' is what makes a marriage special. As in different from any other relationship. I would find it very very difficult to live in a sexless marriage.

I can be friendly and be a 'mate' to anyone. I have lots of friends and mates.

But I'm only intimate with my H.

It makes our marriage... our relationship special.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

A 'sexless marriage' is an oxymoron.


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## SavannahRose (Oct 14, 2012)

I have been married for 20 years. When I was pregnant the first time I had a miscarriage after sex. Ever since that sex stopped for awhile and I was very unhappy with that. I had another unsuccessful pregnancy again and then finally after a long time of trying through artificial insemination I had a baby. YAY!!!
The sex never resumed after that baby and it's been 15 years. It's not a good thing and our relationship has become a friendship and a partnership in raising a child, paying the bills and being friends. I am always thinking of other people that I could date or have sex with to fill the void but I don't want to loss the security of the relationship that I have or the paycheck that my spouse brings to me and my Daughter. Things have become intolerable at this point and I have no choice but to leave but for other reasons then the no sex which I'll get into in another post. Life without sex is unbearable!


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

SavannahRose said:


> I have been married for 20 years. When I was pregnant the first time I had a miscarriage after sex. Ever since that sex stopped for awhile and I was very unhappy with that. I had another unsuccessful pregnancy again and then finally after a long time of trying through artificial insemination I had a baby. YAY!!!
> The sex never resumed after that baby and it's been 15 years. It's not a good thing and our relationship has become a friendship and a partnership in raising a child, paying the bills and being friends. I am always thinking of other people that I could date or have sex with to fill the void but I don't want to loss the security of the relationship that I have or the paycheck that my spouse brings to me and my Daughter. Things have become intolerable at this point and I have no choice but to leave but for other reasons then the no sex which I'll get into in another post. Life without sex is unbearable!


Did you try anything? Nothing worked? So sorry...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

DTO said:


> Agree. We just saw a couple of ladies on a thread in "general relationships" section swear up and down that sex rightfully takes a back seat in a mature marriage. There likely is only one way to make your point in such a relationship.


Send their husbands my way if they don't want sex with them :smthumbup:


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## kev23 (Aug 16, 2012)

cloudwithleggs said:


> Send their husbands my way if they don't want sex with them :smthumbup:


*raising and waving hand* Here's one of them for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kev23 (Aug 16, 2012)

DTO said:


> I agree with this concept.
> 
> But, my sense is that the dynamic here is one where he meets her needs, she gets complacent, he needs to pull back to get her to notice that she's falling short. Rinse and repeat.


Thank you for seeing that. I have tried this too, all it does is make me the bad guy for being lazy. Its ok for her to be sexually lazy all of the time, however.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I would like to add that, unless for medical reasons or mutually agreed upon, a sexless marriage isn't a marriage at all.



unless of course that someone isn't throwing up


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Adex said:


> I've seen it often on this forum, particularly from women, that say their marriage is great and they have a happy marriage. The only issue is, they don't have sex.
> 
> A sexless marriage is not a happy marriage.


Not true here. I'm very happy in my marriage and so is my husband. Being intimate brings us to a deeper level that's like no other. A happy marriage can not survive without some sort of sexual action/activity.

Even with some medical conditions there are ways to find a happy sexual medium.


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## klingongal (Jun 14, 2010)

My sexless marriage is sexless because my husband chooses to have sex with other women than me. I don't want to get whatever diseases they might have or might have given him. In addition, after losing 120 pounds (going from 254 to 134 pounds), my husband no longer finds me attractive. He acts like I'm disgusting and ugly, but I know I'm not. So why do I stay? Because it's been 22 years, we have kids, and I am disabled with no income. It may be a sexless marriage, but I'm screwed anyway.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

klingongal said:


> My sexless marriage is sexless because my husband chooses to have sex with other women than me. I don't want to get whatever diseases they might have or might have given him. In addition, after losing 120 pounds (going from 254 to 134 pounds), my husband no longer finds me attractive. He acts like I'm disgusting and ugly, but I know I'm not. So why do I stay? Because it's been 22 years, we have kids, and I am disabled with no income. It may be a sexless marriage, but I'm screwed anyway.


Keep your self intact. Are you able to get to work and get an income? There must be a path, you might not be able to get exactly what you want right away but you can start working your way there.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Sex is like oxygen, it doesn't really matter until you're not getting any.... If my marriage doesn't pick back up after I go back to day shift, end of the month, I'm planning an exit strategy. my wife is my best friend, but puts almost zero effort into our sex life. Everything we've tried only worked short term, couple of weeks at best. The occasional sex we do have is one of two positions, me on top or her on top. She used to do doggy style but was so paranoid I might see her butt hole that it was awkward and miserable. We've bought toys and books and mc and nothing has helped. When we were just dating she would work a 12 hour shift at her main job, 3-4 hours waiting tables then drive 45 min just to fok my brains out. What destroys me is the time I'm gonna miss with my son. Smh, I just don't know what else to do. I'm down 50lbs and work out almost daily which is a double edge sword, 
When I work out regular it pushes my sd through the roof!! It's so hard not to creep out the women in my cf gym by staring. wtf
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

*A sexless marriage is a cruel marriage.*


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

We 're told to not have sex till we're married and then you get married to get nothing. Wth?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

kev23 said:


> Truth...this is how my wife and I got so close again after our separation, now she tells me I don't talk to her anymore, etc. I have told her when I lack the sexual intimacy we had been back to having when we were great again, this is how things go...she hasn't done anything to change it, so downhill we go.


Exactly!

You gotta love that "yeah, I'm withholding sex but you should treat me good anyways" attitude.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

popcorn said:


> We 're told to not have sex till we're married and then you get married to get nothing. Wth?


Actually, that's not true (not from a Biblical perspective anyways). The rule is that you have sex only with your spouse, after marriage. The flip side is that one is commanded to provide for the sexual satisfaction of one's spouse.

Unfortunately, that flip side is not as romantic sounding and audience friendly as the first part, so it gets dismissed or excused away.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Adex said:


> A sexless marriage is not a happy marriage.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Well since sexless marriage don't just happen, and is usually caused by a deeper issue that likely started outside of the bedroom, its probably good to get to the root of what that might. If people have repeatedly banged their head against the wall to get to the root of this issue with no luck,then presenting the spouse with separation/divorce papers might be the answer both people are looking for.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

I am in a sexless marriage...
I am NOT happy...
My daughter is the ONLY reason I am still married...

I have NEVER been unfaithful to her, but its getting harder and harder...if I get to the point that I no longer care about the vows, I will sepparate...we get along and are good room mates and co-parents...but the passion/intimacy/closeness is gone

we had an explosive fight a week or so ago and I basically told her I want divorce...she got very upset and we sat down and really looked at the situation...we cant afford to divorce, not without having detrimental affects on our ability to raise our daughter...I would be bankrupt thanks to her debt...so we decided to fix things

unfortunately there is SO much broken that it will take a while to get our relationship to the point sex is an option...

men are going to have sex, unless they have no drive...if the wife wont supply it, someone else will...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

there is a non-marriage website, maybe some here are familiar with it called 'experience project'. Lot's of different sub-groups. The largest from what I can tell is 'sexless marriage' with about 5,000 members.

I know it's anecdotal, but that together with all the 'sexless' problems posted on this forum tells me that sexlessness is a huge and pervasive problem which still puzzles me.

About 2 years ago, I myself got out of a long term sexless relationship and never actually understood my partners sexlessness.

it's still a mystery to me today.

so sad.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> there is a non-marriage website, maybe some here are familiar with it called 'experience project'. Lot's of different sub-groups. The largest from what I can tell is 'sexless marriage' with about 5,000 members.
> 
> I know it's anecdotal, but that together with all the 'sexless' problems posted on this forum tells me that sexlessness is a huge and pervasive problem which still puzzles me.
> 
> ...


I got a solution. We need to listen to people and groups who are having sex, and insist on having sex, and sex is an important part of their life.

If monogamous sex is a priority for you, listen to those people.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

The answer to me is obvious. You are not compatible. You married without determining if you were. Yes, things change. Many changes are due to not understanding the other person. Isn't that an issue of compatibility?


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

It is not true that a sexless marriage is a cruel marriage. A cruel marriage is when the partners have wildy different sex drives. For example, my b***tchy sister in law and her prudish husband are perfectly happy to never have sex, and they are the first ones to admit it.


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## pinotnoir (Jul 13, 2013)

Adex said:


> I've seen it often on this forum, particularly from women, that say their marriage is great and they have a happy marriage. The only issue is, they don't have sex.
> 
> A sexless marriage is not a happy marriage.


I agree!:iagree:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A unilaterally sexless marriage isn't a marriage. It's a hostage situation, perpetrated through fraud. Whether life in prison is wonderful or not largely depends on whether you're an inmate or a warden. Naturally, some sexless women (and probably men), view their marriages as wonderful. They aren't the ones suffering. Their needs are being met.


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## 1SimpleMan (Sep 2, 2013)

My wife and I stopped having sex 17 years ago. What I gave up on a long time ago is that she always had a reason not to have sex with me. SHe treated it as a reward for my good behavior...meaning if I did everything right, listened to her every word, agreed with her opinions and didnt do anything to piss her off for week...maybe she would have sex with me. Only days and days of good behavior meant nothing if I did something to piss her off. Like if she told me stuff and I forgot. She would say I'm not listening...then I would have to start all over again on egg shells for weeks till she felt like doing me a big favor. Eventually she just flat out told me she doesn't even care about sex with me. She claimed she doesn't think about it. At first, I wondered if that could be true but considering every conversation out of her mouth is about work, it sounds about right. Every thing she talks about is work...work..work,, Basically regurgitating each and every thing that she said, every day at work and going on about the latest person to piss her off. Her reasoning is that's all she has in life. I guess it is, we have no kids and she doesn't love me.

I just stopped even trying because it saved on countless rejection. Point is..I really don't think a sexless marriage has any way to be a happy and fulfilling one.

She also stopped saying I love you a long time ago and kissing me. Now we just live in the same house with no physical contact at all. 

I'll likely just leave, but for now I have some other stuff going on so I am just biding my time and living under the same roof.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

trey69 said:


> Well since sexless marriage don't just happen, and is usually caused by a deeper issue that likely started outside of the bedroom, its probably good to get to the root of what that might. If people have repeatedly banged their head against the wall to get to the root of this issue with no luck,then presenting the spouse with separation/divorce papers might be the answer both people are looking for.


So, file for divorce and commit financial suicide to get rid of a sexless zombie. She'll just pretend to be a functioning human being long enough to trap some other unsuspecting heterosexual male.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> So, file for divorce and commit financial suicide to get rid of a sexless zombie. She'll just pretend to be a functioning human being long enough to trap some other unsuspecting heterosexual male.


Exactly. That sounds just like my former affair partner. 

She had a voracious sexual appetite for everyone but her husband. 

She calls her husband beyond boring or BB, but stays married to him as a meal ticket. 

She approached me for an affair pushed and pushed claiming she just wanted sex, yet really what she wanted was to ruin my marriage and marry me. 

Her interest in me seemed to rise each time someone told her how much money I earned. 

To that end, she outed me to my wife. 

I am quite certain she is only interested in my wallet. During the affair, she repeatedly complained that her husband didn't earn enough. 

She was resentful that she had to work, too. She used to tell me that my wife was so lucky to be able to NOT have to work. 

I am sure, had I been fool enough to actually want her as a wife, I would have soon been her next BB, no matter how much money I earned, she would want more.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Six years zero sex, and only a few times in the several years prior to that. Was basically told I'm just not 'attractive' to her anymore and if I want it I can go see a hooker if I want. Nice. She's not LD, I think she's zero-D.

The most bizarre thing is that she seems to have NO concept of how badly this has ****ed me up in the head and in my soul. I have told her how badly on a couple of different occasions, but it doesn't matter - she's set in what she thinks and that's that, deal with it. She's content to go on this way. This is her 'new normal', she works flex part time, she's perfectly content.....while I stumble on through hell. 

Here's what never fails to plunge me into instant depression and anxiety......She even talks about things coming up in the future (near and far) and I'm just like, "WTF??!!" I wish she would show SOME understanding of where we're truly at in this once-happy-marriage. The fact that she seems happy enough after nuking me six years ago is just so surreal. I cannot reconcile the two things. 

Sexless marriage is cruel, heartless, soulless, and dozens of other negative adjectives. 

And it's also 'over'. I'm sure she'll be shocked, which adds to the surreal nature of this whole experience.....and gives me guilt to contend with on top of everything else.


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

So why are you staying in a marriage that is sexless for six years? Six weeks and I'd have us in MC. Six months and I'm sure I'd be gone, regardless of financial consequences. It's a deal breaker, for me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

PinkSalmon13 said:


> Six years zero sex, and only a few times in the several years prior to that. Was basically told I'm just not 'attractive' to her anymore and if I want it I can go see a hooker if I want. Nice. She's not LD, I think she's zero-D.
> 
> The most bizarre thing is that she seems to have NO concept of how badly this has ****ed me up in the head and in my soul. I have told her how badly on a couple of different occasions, but it doesn't matter - she's set in what she thinks and that's that, deal with it. She's content to go on this way. This is her 'new normal', she works flex part time, she's perfectly content.....while I stumble on through hell.
> 
> ...


So when she talks about the future, you just let her? You never mention that you doubt you'll be a couple then? You say she'll be shocked and that gives you guilt. Well it should. Your non-confrontational nature is a big part of the problem.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

TopsyTurvy5 said:


> So why are you staying in a marriage that is sexless for six years? Six weeks and I'd have us in MC. Six months and I'm sure I'd be gone, regardless of financial consequences. It's a deal breaker, for me.


Agreed,

I spent a year before leaving, giving chances, trying my best, and having hope that things would change and she would finally want me again.

Sex went from 5X a week, to 3X, to 1X, to once a month, to nothing in less than a year into the M.

Its a terrible feeling having to wake up everyday and wonder, "whats so wrong with me and why wont she touch me anymore.

Not only does resentment build up, depression took over in my case. She did a great job of making me feel guilty for wanting affection and intimacy.

I have heard every excuse you can think of-

"We have been together long enough that we dont need to do it all the time" -had only been a year
"Im not really that HD, sorry if i mislead you in the beginning"
"I dont need to touch you in order to show love"
"I dont fell like it, dont care, dont need it anymore"

That was my first experience in a sexless marriage/relationship and I will NEVER in my life go through that misery again.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

TopsyTurvy5 said:


> So why are you staying in a marriage that is sexless for six years? Six weeks and I'd have us in MC. Six months and I'm sure I'd be gone, regardless of financial consequences. It's a deal breaker, for me.


When you have one child in an expensive college, a second headed to a similarly expensive college, and intertwined finances after 30 years of marriage and both spouses high earners, it becomes a lot less of a deal breaker. 

Much better to have the emotionally detached spouse pay her 50% share of college for a decade or so and ensure that the million dollar kids will have nothing to do with her when she's in some retirement home in a couple decades....

We had 25 good years, so she gets partial credit for that at least. If you're just starting out, no kids or property, dump them stat. Different story. This is not a one size fits all issue...


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I do believe a sexless marriage can be a happy marriage. I have been in a unhappy marriage with sex and a happy marriage without sex. I will take the second any day of the week. I do like sex and so does my husband but for variety of reasons we are never at the same libido at the same time. My husband is my best friend. We share the same values, the same dreams, the same humor, the same priorities. Even when we are in one of our many sexless times I always know he loves me and has my back. I wouldn't trade him for any amount of sex. When we are in one of our sex times, neither one of us are goal oriented about it. Many times we can start out hot and heavy and end up in a laugh session or cuddle fest. An hour later we will look at each other and say hey we never finished. 

Regular sex with someone who has only one goal...you can keep them.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

It's important to not mix up physical or psychological illness with interpersonal troubles when talking about the cause of a sexless marriage. To say someone who is sick is the villain or that a marriage under these circumstances is not a real marriage is simply cruel and very disrespectful to a lot of couples whose marriages, other than the lack of sex are good.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Mr B said:


> It's important to not mix up physical or psychological illness with interpersonal troubles when talking about the cause of a sexless marriage. To say someone who is sick is the villain or that a marriage under these circumstances is not a real marriage is simply cruel and very disrespectful to a lot of couples whose marriages, other than the lack of sex are good.


One does not become the villain by being sick. My wife has BPD, heck, and it manifested itself 25 years into our marriage... 

One does become the villain by refusing to address the issues, tho. I don't expect miracles but a basic level of behaviors is not too difficult to maintain, esp if one is a very educated, professional high functioning BPD...


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

If I remember the medication used to treat that kills libido.


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## CalBanker (Oct 8, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> I'm married to a woman that views sex as a chore that's endured once a year on our anniversary. Otherwise, she's too tired, has a massive headache, etc.
> 
> Like others on here, we're not much more than roommates anymore. I don't even like to be around her most of the time, and when the kids go to bed, I go to my home office and do some work. IMO, more sex would equal a happier husband, but in her mind, sex is too much work.
> 
> This is why I don't bother to initiate. If I did, she might actually go along, but only to keep my happy, and hoping that I finish quickly so she can go to sleep, watch TV, or play her computer games.


Sadly I have to say that I'm slowly coming to this realization. Dang it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Adex said:


> Didn't think about the medical reasons part. Using your mouth or hands to pleasure your spouse is basically sex as well. So even with medical reasons, it's not an excuse.


I agree. Many on here know that my wife had complications from a hysterectomy last March. She was just not getting better. Abdominal pain, extreme fatigue, brain fog, joint pain, etc. Through all of this, she did the best she could and if she just couldn't have sex, she would give me a hand job.

Oh, by the way, we have discovered all of her symptoms were as a result of gluten intolerance. Long story, but she is doing much better.


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## cursor (Jun 27, 2013)

*AW: A sexless marriage is NOT a happy marriage*

I don't agree. 

It depends on both sides sex drive. If both don't need any sex at all, why shouldn't they be happy?


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## Ronni (Jan 9, 2014)

3


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