# My husband is too Vanilla



## Stephyb1997 (Jun 23, 2018)

So a little background, my husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. I am 21 and he is 27. When we started dating he would tell me stories of his crazy years, drugs, raves, sexual encounters ect. He was out of that phase in his life and I did not mind thats since I have always been a very mellow person. Sex has always been okay. I dont have much reference since I have only had sex with two men in my life. I have always had a low sex drive, but I have been going through a very hard sexual awakening. I FINALLY figured out how to have a real orgasm about 6 months ago, so now I understand why people want sex. And I have been going crazy. I have this high sex drive now. This missionary romp 1x a week thing isnt helping. And my husband is more than willing to have sex how ever often I want, but its so FREAKING BORING!! He clames he has no fantasies and no kinks, his favorite porn is even super vanilla. I want to be allowed to experience life and be able experiment. I want to have threesomes (MMF&MFF), I want to peg him, I want to be rough and spontaneous be Kinky as hell, but he just shuts me down, saying 'He has already done that'. Im really starting to feel cheated. Am startimg to want to cheat. IDK what im wanting from this post, Advice solidarity, someone to relate to me. Advice would be nice.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Bringing a third person into a marriage is almost always the death nell of a marriage.
Both of you should be able to work on meeting each other's needs, but third parties don't belong in a marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Talk to him. You sound too young to be married. Marriage is compromise. He may not want to bring others into your sex life or be pegged. There are plenty of other stuff that you could do if he is willing. Stop watching so much porn. Talk to him now before you have kids and you blow up both everyone's lives. That is where you are headed.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Oi. Suckers.

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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)




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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

After you talk to him and not get your desired result ... Can you point him to this forum and have him post so we can help him disengage with the pain and suffering he is about to go through and eventually help him find someone interested in a real marriage? 

You are very young as someone has already pointed out so I really don't blame you for a lot of this because you are still finding YOU at this age.


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## Stephyb1997 (Jun 23, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Talk to him. You sound too young to be married. Marriage is compromise. He may not want to bring others into your sex life or be pegged. There are plenty of other stuff that you could do if he is willing. Stop watching so much porn. Talk to him now before you have kids and you blow up both everyone's lives. That is where you are headed.


Those where just extreme examples I threw in there, because i typed this while a little upset and dramatic. Our sex is 10 mins. foreplay, me on top, then him on top, busted nut, 5 mins. of cuddles then shower. Always in the bedroom, always in the dark. Its It's frustrating and boring and he cant seem to comprehend that I need more. And I fully understand marriage is a compromise. I gave up a lot so I could become a house wife and take care of his stepdaughter full time. He knows Im young, he just needs to get it in his brain that that means he needs to be more active and less content.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Stephyb1997 said:


> sokillme said:
> 
> 
> > Talk to him. You sound too young to be married. Marriage is compromise. He may not want to bring others into your sex life or be pegged. There are plenty of other stuff that you could do if he is willing. Stop watching so much porn. Talk to him now before you have kids and you blow up both everyone's lives. That is where you are headed.
> ...


You can't get much more extreme than what you had said. Bringing other people into your marriage is a good way to end it on really bad terms. That's on you. Him not meeting your attentive and physical needs between the two of you is on him. Hopefully you guys can figure out the latter.


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## Stephyb1997 (Jun 23, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> After you talk to him and not get your desired result ... Can you point him to this forum and have him post so we can help him disengage with the pain and suffering he is about to go through and eventually help him find someone interested in a real marriage?
> 
> You are very young as someone has already pointed out so I really don't blame you for a lot of this because you are still finding YOU at this age.


My age, fantasies, and sexuality does not make my marriage any less real. I love this man. He is my best friend and the only person I want to commit my life too. And I would never truly cheat on him, because I could never hurt him. It's just something I fantasize about. I want to experience all these possibilities WITH him. Its just he has already experimented with other women and men. I know this because we are extremely honest with eachother. He will tell me about something he has done with someone else and Im like, "Wow thats hot, I want to do that." He just shrugs and says, "I don't want that anymore already tried it." So okay nvm, wouldn't want you to try something twice I guess.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If he is really your best friend talk to him. To have good relationships with people in general you need to tell them what you want and how you feel. Call them out when they are being selfish and lazy. 

Besides that open up sexually to him, see if that gets him more into it. It would a lot of me.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Stephyb1997 said:


> So a little background, my husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. I am 21 and he is 27. When we started dating he would tell me stories of his crazy years, drugs, raves, sexual encounters ect. He was out of that phase in his life and I did not mind thats since I have always been a very mellow person. Sex has always been okay. I dont have much reference since I have only had sex with two men in my life. I have always had a low sex drive, but I have been going through a very hard sexual awakening. *I FINALLY figured out how to have a real orgasm about 6 months ago, so now I understand why people want sex. And I have been going crazy. I have this high sex drive now. *This missionary romp 1x a week thing isnt helping. And my husband is more than willing to have sex how ever often I want, but its so FREAKING BORING!! He clames he has no fantasies and no kinks, his favorite porn is even super vanilla. I want to be allowed to experience life and be able experiment. I want to have threesomes (MMF&MFF), I want to peg him, I want to be rough and spontaneous be Kinky as hell, but he just shuts me down, saying 'He has already done that'. Im really starting to feel cheated. Am startimg to want to cheat. IDK what im wanting from this post, Advice solidarity, someone to relate to me. Advice would be nice.


So, you gave up on sex because you didn't really enjoy it, since you couldn't orgasm and didn't know how. Now that you do, you want to live again. I don't se anything wrong with you or that. I see something wrong with giving up on life and yourself and getting married to someone you really weren't compatible with...yet. 

Now, you are both going to be terrible hurt and maybe harmed. So sad.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Stephby,

Perhaps what you feel you are missing is the orgasmic intensity he felt with previous partners, is the kissing passionless as well. 

For some people, myself included, kissing is the fuse which ignites great sex, without it you might as well use a love doll. It also eats away at your self-esteem not having it, you try everything and NOTHING works.

Careful with threesomes though once you have broken your exclusivity with your H you can't get it back. The image of you with another person might further inhibit your H. 

Tamat


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I dont blame him for not wanting the things you mentioned. Most wouldn't want threesomes for example. You are married and need to be faithful. 
He is as he is, you married him as he is and now you suddenly expect him to completely change. How is that fair? 

Stop the porn and concentrate on each other and the love you share. Many people only really enjoy sex with someone they really love, the extreme stuff isn't what they want.


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> He is as he is, you married him as he is and now you suddenly expect him to completely change. How is that fair?


Totally agree. While it is really great that you have discovered how good/fun sex can be, your husband has not changed. He's done some stuff and decided it isn't for him. He thought he was marrying one person and you've changed into another. 

You can start with small changes instead of going to extreme stuff. Ask him to be on top first or work some other positions in there. Or begin foreplay out of the bedroom. Do a "foreplay only" session without actual intercourse. Leave a lamp on. When something changes and he is making an effort, your response needs to be "wow! Thank you, Honey! I really liked xyz and can't wait to do it again " and not "that was still boring". 

My other advice, though you didn't ask about it, is to start making sure that you are able to be financially independent so that you don't feel trapped if either of you decides enough is enough and wants out of the marriage.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

SarcasticRed said:


> Leave a lamp on.


Do they only have sex in the dark? Surely no one is that boring.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

It sounds to me like you weren't ready to be married, and that you married someone you're incompatible with. The incompatibility will get worse, not better. I think the two of you should divorce and cut your losses early. You can live the life you never got to live, and he can find the more traditional wife he needs.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Sounds like he's trying to avoid the pitfalls from his earlier relationship, which might explain the lack of interest of talking about any crazy sex adventures.

S1

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## Stephyb1997 (Jun 23, 2018)

So I dont understand why everyone's immediate advise is that I should divorce him? Why is that everyones solution to every problem anyone brings up on this site?


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

Personal said:


> Do they only have sex in the dark? Surely no one is that boring.


She said it was always in the dark....


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

Stephyb1997 said:


> So I dont understand why everyone's immediate advise is that I should divorce him? Why is that everyones solution to every problem anyone brings up on this site?


The immediate advice was to talk to him. And to compromise. And to avoid threesomes if your relationship is already on rocky ground. 

But, some of the posts (including mine) do mention that divorce is a possibility IF you can't find a middle ground and both be happy. Spend some time on this site and you'll see that sex is a major contributor to divorce. That is the last resort and hopefully is not the path for you, but it is a possibility. You are already fantasizing about cheating so being aware of the possible directions this could take is important. I didn't see a single post saying to divorce him right away. 

Talk to him and see if you can find some compromise to start small. Don't go straight for the hardcore stuff, there are lots of smaller things you can find to try first that might be more comfortable for your husband but still give you some of the excitement you are looking for.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It doesn't have to end in divorce. It seems likely from your post. You've talked to him about it and he is against it. I don't know how you change someone's mind when they know what they want. Seems neither of you will be happy. I wish I had some good advice.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Stephyb1997 said:


> So I dont understand why everyone's immediate advise is that I should divorce him? Why is that everyones solution to every problem anyone brings up on this site?


How would you know? Didn't you just sign up here?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

SarcasticRed said:


> She said it was always in the dark....


Ouch, I don't think that can be improved upon.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Stephyb1997 said:


> So I dont understand why everyone's immediate advise is that I should divorce him? Why is that everyones solution to every problem anyone brings up on this site?


.......Because we can often see the futility in many of these situations......That's why.......There are hundreds if not thousands of people on this site that have seen it all.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Stephyb1997 said:


> So I dont understand why everyone's immediate advise is that I should divorce him? Why is that everyones solution to every problem anyone brings up on this site?


Stephy, the reality is sexual mismatches are rarely fixed. You can't make someone who doesn't want to do something just do it. It will be very evident the whole time he isn't into it and that will frustrate you the same as if you had never done it. 

Trying to bring thirds in will not work out well for you. You can't do that with one person not being into it. That ends badly almost every time. It can be a lot of fun if everything in the relationship is great and your both into it and have well established boundaries etc. But in your case it is a greta way to accelerate the end of your marriage. 

Your best bet is to find times when you know you will have the opportunity to be uninhibited. Then you set things up to play with some fantasies try lots of different positions play with some toys whatever you can both enjoy. If he is not willing to even try to be open to helping you experiment, you will have a serious problem. You'll always feel like your missing out on something important, and you'll continue to resent him and that feeling will get worse.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

True story. My wife's best friend is like you. Vanilla husband. In fact he is OK with her dating others because she is into BDSM and threesomes with girls. Long story but she ended up being shared by me and my wife for most of our 46 years of marriage. We had threesomes nightly when she lived with us part of each month. She was a sadist to my masochist and there was nothing off limits that she wanted to do to me. She was good at it too because she is very intelligent and understood the psychology behind the fetish. She is bi as is my wife and had a crush on me since our teen age years so it worked out well. Her husband let her split her time between us and him and we socialized with him a few times. We did try once to bring him into our sex life but he freaked out as soon as I undressed his wife.

With us we had sex in the back of limos, in public places and did all sorts of crazy things especially when we went to Las Vegas. As a result her marriage is still going strong and she did not have to cheat since she had permission from her husband who wanted her to enjoy sex the way she wanted to. My marriage benefited too because my wife is sexually submissive and not into BDSM. Our girlfriend fit into our life perfectly. She allowed my wife to have a female in her sex life and provided me with the type of sex I liked most of the time.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Stephyb1997 said:


> So I dont understand why everyone's immediate advise is that I should divorce him? Why is that everyones solution to every problem anyone brings up on this site?


It's not the only advice given. But to be honest, about 50% of marriages end in divorce. Yours will almost certainly be one of them based on the incompatibility you've described. You've already thought about bringing other people into your young marriage. These signs do not bode well. Getting the divorce over with sooner will save you both a lot of future pain and give you time to find partners that you're compatible with.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

See I don't know if divorce is necessary. I mean he was open to experiment once maybe he will be again. However OP if you are already thinking about cheating then better to divorce him. Cheating destroys peoples lives, it just does. It's as bad as rape. Sorry people don't like that I say that, but I have been reading cheating threads for 2 years and I am tired of couching my words for the sensitive or people who have done it and don't want to admit how truly devastating there actions are. Cheating particularly when the spouse being cheated on has no idea and has been a faithful and good partner is very much like rape. It's an evil thing to do period. Anyway so when us posters see you talking about possibly cheating we all are going to advise divorce if it comes to that because it's a much less cruel way to treat someone. 

So back to your situation, look if it was me I would be game for anything besides the other people there and the pegging. If you husband is like that then maybe you can compromise too. You need to tell him how sad you are about this. 

Here is a question, you say he has had sex with men before. Maybe he is more into men and that is why you sex is so vanilla. I mean no offense but me as a heterosexual male, I have no desire for men, so the fact that he does makes me think that maybe that is part of the problem. I am sure that isn't PC for some but it's at least discussing, besides this post seems to be one where I don't hold back, might as well continue. By the way if he is gay so be it, but it's terribly unfair to marry you when he is.


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## PreRaph (Jun 13, 2017)

Stephyb1997 said:


> So I dont understand why everyone's immediate advise is that I should divorce him? Why is that everyones solution to every problem anyone brings up on this site?


As of now you and your husband are not sexually compatible. There is nothing wrong with your sexual awakening -- good for you -- but you must now seriously consider whether you can enjoy a satisfying sexual life with your husband or not. He may change, but don't expect him to. Can you live with that? Can you live with him doing a little more for you, say, but doing it for you rather than himself?

You are 21 years old and suddenly a new world has opened up to you. That is why some have mentioned divorce. Not necessarily that you should but as a practical alternative--yes practical: hurt me now or hurt me later. You are already tempted to cheat. It's only a fantasy now, but people do act on their fantasies. 

You two need to get into some sexual therapy and see where it leads.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Too vanilla? Because you're husband doesn't want to share you mean's the sex is boring and she should divorce? Come on, when did having threesomes become mainstream? Answer: never. It's not main stream, no matter how many porn obsessed people say so. 

If you really hungering for strange, then you're not really ready for marriage. You're husband may have done those things as a single man but you're his wife. It is totally a different thing sharing a short term girl friend that's not really that special to you as opposed to sharing the future mother of your kids. 

Not sure who planted these seeds in your head but if your husband allows other men to have you, your inner brains going to perceive that he really doesn't love you. The fantasy rarely lives up to the reality. It almost always end with the woman clicking with a new guy, who whispers in her ear, "If you were my girl, I would never share you." 

Boom game over for your hubby. Sad thing is, it's usually the husband who advocates for this.


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