# Recently married concerns (I'm the husband)



## Anon898989 (Mar 26, 2019)

I've always been a romantic at heart, but the horror stories have led me to pass on one girl after another seriously in the past decade. Instead I just focused on my career, obtaining several advanced STEM degrees, being a homeowner, etc. 

I was mostly just doing the the "Netflix" dating scene, as bars and clubs aren't my thing. It worked out perfect, as there was no attachment, no drama, just relaxation. 

Anyways, I met someone nice, sweet, that genuinely loved me. I'm mostly her first "serious relationship". She is 23 and just out of her parents home when we got married. In retrospect I'm a military veteran, out of my house at 17 and on my own the past decade (I'm early 30's). 

The problem is that there's no 'motivation' on her part. Since getting married months ago, we've had sex once. The house looks like a tornado, all I ask is we share responsibility for cleaning. She has yet to do laundry (She has 8 baskets, literally every item she owns). She's just begun wearing my clothes and buying new. She can't seem to wake up prior to 10 minutes leaving for work. Every dinner is just "what are we getting from "x" fast food). Since she no longer lives at home, every weekend she just wants to spend there. When she gets off work, she just turns on her shows and doesn't want to be bothered. She has also not changed her name, which she fully agrees on and is tradition, just doesn't have the "time". Yet even on days off, she went over and grabbed lunch with family while I was at work. 

In terms of dating, she had come over twice a week. I never saw all these aspects. We watched movies, dinners out, etc. 

If I try to bring up any of the subjects, she shuts down completely.

Otherwise, her actions signal being the most loving, caring, wife possible. I really hypothesis it's a matter of maturity and what to "do" in a relationship. In terms of work, she's full throttle once she gets there, so I know the motivation in that regards is strong.

I want this relationship to work, we know the first year is a very difficult transition, so please give me ANY advice. I would ask at this stage, divorce not being the recommended solution that's the easy way out back into the dating world.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Run Forrest, Run.

You can't change her. You can only change you. Get used to no sex, no participation in house chores, and an entitled mentality that defers, deflects and defends--if you want to stay with this "most loving, caring wife possible." 

You married a princess.

It gets old fast and intolerable in a few years...about the time the courts start awarding alimony. 

I have the t-shirt. It says "Chump."


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Dude ..... save yourself all the why, how, reasoning, wondering, and confusion. In 5 years your going to be a complete wreck.


DO NOT HAVE A KID WITH HER.......DO NOT HAVE A KID WITH HER......DO NOT HAVE A KID WITH HER.......DO NOT HAVE A KID WITH HER.....

Hope that last point was clear enough.


Catfishing .......except you both are in the same aquarium


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

It has nothing to do with maturity. 
My first wife was exactly the same way.
It was a constant battle.
Only thing that kept me was the kids. Once they were gone so was I.

If you have kids it will only get worse.

Spending time at her mother's, dirty diapers piled in the floor. She wanted a cat. Never cleaned cat box. Never wanted to cook......


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Man, 

I got the same highlight form your post which was an oxymoron yet understandable, expected by a H who wants to believe the best but eyes are slowly opening.. 

Which is:

"Otherwise, her actions signal being the most loving, caring, wife possible."

Another is she has barely wanted to have sex.

What else is left? After all the things and actions you've listed she doesn't or won't do?


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## SuburbanDad (Jul 31, 2018)

It will not get better. The more you ask her to do this, the more resentment and attitude she will have.

You're still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. Find a better spouse. Get an anullment


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> *DO NOT HAVE A KID WITH HER.......DO NOT HAVE A KID WITH HER......DO NOT HAVE A KID WITH HER.......DO NOT HAVE A KID WITH HER.....*


Quoted just in case you blew by this the first time you saw it and didn't take it seriously.

Sounds like her parents raised a spoiled little princess who didn't have to lift a finger at home. And your spoiled little princess obviously sees sex in the same 'work' group as housecleaning.

Run while you can.

And read the big words at the top one more time.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Anon, can you explain how you conclude, "Otherwise, her actions signal being the most loving, caring, wife possible"?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Anon898989 said:


> She is 23 and just out of her parents home when we got married. In retrospect I'm a military veteran, out of my house at 17 and on my own the past decade (I'm early 30's).
> 
> *She has yet to do laundry
> *She can't seem to wake up prior to 10 minutes leaving for work.
> ...


She's immature and not ready to be an independent adult, much less a wife. You are a grown man who, presumably, is completely capable of adulting and has every right to expect that his partner would also be a grown-up. The problem is that you selected a life partner who isn't actually an adult.



Anon898989 said:


> I've always been a romantic at heart, but the horror stories have led me to pass on one girl after another seriously in the past decade. Instead I just focused on my career, obtaining several advanced STEM degrees, being a homeowner, etc.
> 
> In terms of dating, she had come over twice a week. I never saw all these aspects. We watched movies, dinners out, etc.


So you married a woman you barely knew? Why, after all that caution, would you marry someone without thoroughly vetting them first? At least live together for a few months first, yeesh!



Anon898989 said:


> *Since getting married months ago, we've had sex once.
> 
> Otherwise, her actions signal being the most loving, caring, wife possible. I really hypothesis it's a matter of maturity and what to "do" in a relationship. In terms of work, she's full throttle once she gets there, so I know the motivation in that regards is strong.


Loving newlyweds generally screw like bunnies. Loving wives generally don't let their husbands live in filth, ignore them for shows after work, and take off for home on the weekends.

I'm not getting the loving wife vibe here. I'm getting the personable, but sloppy, college roommate vibe here.



Anon898989 said:


> I want this relationship to work, we know the first year is a very difficult transition, so please give me ANY advice. I would ask at this stage, divorce not being the recommended solution that's the easy way out back into the dating world.


This isn't sustainable. She either needs to grow up fast or you need to move on.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

At only 23 and having never lived on her own, she has ZERO idea what it takes to run a household, and is still practically a child. She has gone from one set of parents to a new father figure with you. I'm not sure what the hell you were thinking marrying someone not only this young, but this much younger than you at this stage in her life. You need to communicate to her how things work and help her with what is expected with being an actual grownup. That doesnt mean do it for her, but literally SHOW HER how things work and what needs to be done in order for a household to function. You took on the parent role here, so get to parenting. You can work on the actual marriage role as it goes along.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Honestly, forget about the whole "housework thing" or if she is immature just leaving home, how to run a household, etc.... *Very simply put, they just got married and have only had sex once.* Even the most immature couple should still be having sex nonstop this early on.

Honestly dude, sounds like she just isn't in to you. She probably wanted to break free from home and saw you as an easy option. End it before it is too late...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If you don't set some boundaries now and lay out clearly what your expectations are, she isn't going to grow out of this. You think that she is simply young and ignorant of how things work. Nope. That's not the problem here. In fact it doesn't even make sense. What is happening is that she is willing for you to do it all while she does only what is absolutely necessary.

If your wife is barely having sex with you now, wait until the babies come along. Read through the threads here to see what that looks like. It's not pretty. In fact, it only gets worse.

You have married a spoiled girl rather than a responsible young woman. The only way that's going to change is if she has a great amount of incentive and motivation to change. 

Ask yourself how long you want to live like this. If you don't tell her that this is unacceptable and work with her to teach her what you expect her to do, she will not change - ever. Do not chalk this up to ignorance or youth. You will need to work with her and teach her what is required to be married to you.

If within six months you don't see a drastic change, including her sexual interest and availability, you can expect that it never will change. So, think carefully about what you want to see from her, then have a talk with her, then be willing to work together. But you need to be clear that you are not going to continue along like this.

I have been married 34 years and have three children. This advice is coming from my years of experience and observation. I am not prone to making such statements, but here it goes. If you don't take this advice, you are going to find yourself miserable years down the road and you won't want to divorce because you'll have children to consider.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sorry buddy but it sounds like your raising a wife....or a wife facsimile....i would send her back home.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You can't blame this on her age, 23. I was, and have known and DO know 18-23 year olds who are 1,000 times more responsible than this.

It's a her thing, not an age thing.

Get the hell out or your life will be miserable.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If you don't have a serious discussion with her where you lay out the expectations and let her know this is serious, you will never know if you could have done something to resolve this. Frankly I don't think it's going to work. If she has no sex drive at 23, I don't know how to fix that. But for your own well being, give it a try and pull the plug if she doesn't make a turnaround in six months. It may even be sooner if she does nothing at all.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Anon898989 said:


> Since getting married months ago, we've had sex once.


Based on this alone, you should end the marriage. This is a terrible indication for the future. Unless you actually enjoy being celibate, do not continue in the marriage.

Since you're young and newly married, you may be entirely way too optimistic about how much things can improve with work. Believe all these people here who have decades of marriage who say it won't get fixed. In fact, everything will probably get worse. You can try discussions, arguments, counseling, etc., but they will only improve things a small amount for a week or two. In a short time she'll regress and you'll be back to fighting the same battles all over again.


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## Anon898989 (Mar 26, 2019)

VladDracul said:


> Anon, can you explain how you conclude, "Otherwise, her actions signal being the most loving, caring, wife possible"?


I'm basing that on her affection for me. I feel there's genuine love. Maybe I'm being too optimistic, or been too hurt in the past. Maybe I'm just tired of meaningless nights and want someone to come home to daily.

Is not cleaning a sign that she doesn't love me and we need to divorce? That seems extreme. Maybe it's a sign that she works 10 hour shifts and is exhausted? I could easily clean everything, but that's not a precedent I want to set, so I just leave it go.

I appreciate all the responses! I know, there's a definite "princess" mentality. That annoys me, as at 17, I went straight into the military. So I can understand someone being 18 and 1,000 times more mature.

For perspective, she comes from a very "old-fashioned" lifestyle, where wives got married and left their parents to stay at home and raise kids. That's every single person she has on Facebook or I have ever met. 

So what is the general consensus, besides run? "Experts" say to never leave a marriage in the first year. These are all things that are SO easily resolved, if she wants. I suppose that's the key concept.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Anon898989 said:


> So what is the general consensus, besides run? "Experts" say to never leave a marriage in the first year. These are all things that are SO easily resolved, if she wants. I suppose that's the key concept.


Why do you think you guys are not having sex when you just got married? There is nothing normal about that, and i think this is a much bigger issue than her not doing laundry


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Anon898989 said:


> I'm basing that on her affection for me. I feel there's genuine love. Maybe I'm being too optimistic, or been too hurt in the past. Maybe I'm just tired of meaningless nights and want someone to come home to daily.
> 
> Is not cleaning a sign that she doesn't love me and we need to divorce?


It needn't mean she does not love you to mean you are stuck with a lazy, entitled person for the rest of your life. 



> That seems extreme. Maybe it's a sign that she works 10 hour shifts and is exhausted? I could easily clean everything, but that's not a precedent I want to set, so I just leave it go.
> 
> I appreciate all the responses! I know, there's a definite "princess" mentality. That annoys me, as at 17, I went straight into the military. So I can understand someone being 18 and 1,000 times more mature.
> 
> ...


In the first year? Holy ****. RUN. If it is hard in the first year, it gets harder. She is a child. She needs to grow up on her own before she can be a partner. RUN.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

Anon898989 said:


> I'm basing that on her affection for me. I feel there's genuine love. Maybe I'm being too optimistic, or been too hurt in the past. Maybe I'm just tired of meaningless nights and want someone to come home to daily.
> 
> Is not cleaning a sign that she doesn't love me and we need to divorce? That seems extreme. Maybe it's a sign that she works 10 hour shifts and is exhausted? I could easily clean everything, but that's not a precedent I want to set, so I just leave it go.
> 
> ...


Ok, but does she want? Have you made your feelings clear to her?

Old-fashioned? How so? 'Cause old-fashioned, stay-at-home usually means mad home economics skillz. Not pretty princess syndrome.

Dude, you are NEWLYWEDS and, according to you, have had sex once! That just ain't right.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Anon898989 said:


> For perspective, she comes from a very "old-fashioned" lifestyle, where wives got married and left their parents to stay at home and raise kids. That's every single person she has on Facebook or I have ever met.
> 
> So what is the general consensus, besides run? "Experts" say to never leave a marriage in the first year. These are all things that are SO easily resolved, if she wants. I suppose that's the key concept.


I know a lot of homemakers and they take it seriously. Their homes are clean, not perfect, but clean and properly cared for. They are having regular sex with their husbands. This is not about being a stay at home mom. This is about your wife being lazy around the house. You work too. At 23 years old, four 10's shouldn't wear her out unless she's a nurse. Then she should sleep in to recharge and get back to her responsibilities. You're making excuses for her.

You might be able to get an annulment since she isn't having sex with you.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> I know a lot of homemakers and they take it seriously. Their homes are clean, not perfect, but clean and properly cared for. They are having regular sex with their husbands. This is not about being a stay at home mom. This is about your wife being lazy around the house. You work too. At 23 years old, four 10's shouldn't wear her out unless she's a nurse. Then she should sleep in to recharge and get back to her responsibilities. You're making excuses for her.
> 
> *You might be able to get an annulment since she isn't having sex with you.*


Best advice right here!!!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Anon898989 said:


> I've always been a romantic at heart, but the horror stories have led me to pass on one girl after another seriously in the past decade. Instead I just focused on my career, obtaining several advanced STEM degrees, being a homeowner, etc.
> 
> I was mostly just doing the the "Netflix" dating scene, as bars and clubs aren't my thing. It worked out perfect, as there was no attachment, no drama, just relaxation.
> 
> ...


Your mind is extended around you. Everything you see her not doing is in her mind.
She has serious mental issues to fix. 
It's not maturity. My wife was like this still at 45!

There are many systems of interaction between brain, body and social world that can get caught in positive feedback loops. Depressed people, for example, can start feeling useless and burdensome, as well as grief-stricken and pained. This makes them withdraw from contact with friends and family. Then the withdrawal makes them more lonesome and isolated, and more likely to feel useless and burdensome. Then they withdraw more. In this manner, depression spirals and amplifies.
RUN! DO PASS GO, RUN!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you only think in terms of Love = Feeling you will not have a successful marriage.
To demonstrate love in marriage it takes Actions. Actions that are important to the other person. So if she appreciates getting into a warm car, and you start it up for her before work, that is how love works in marriage. So for you it is important that she does X,Y, Z I guarantee you will not feel loved if she does not do them. I do not think you need to run out immediately but I do think it is crucial for you to make her specifically understand that you will not remain married if she cannot be the wife you need her to be. You also have a problem if you try to discuss and she "shuts down"... The problem is not her shutting down it is you getting involved in a discussion where shutting down can even occur. You need to be making statements about what you need, what the outcome will be if certain things don't happen, and observing her behavior. You more or less define what a wife is in your mind and what a marriage is in your way of thinking and "invite" her to choose to be that wife, or be part of that marriage...This is an ongoing way of operating and not a one time conversation.

The fllip side is you need to understand her needs, view of marriage etc to make sure there is compatiblity.,


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

I am just going to put this out there at her age and she doesn't have sex with you . kinda hard for me to see she doesn't want sex . maybe she is having sex but not with you . maybe it's a coworker or someone around her parents house . i woukd not rule that out since she goes there on weekends . is she on her phone alot .


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## Anon898989 (Mar 26, 2019)

I'm just hesitant on the whole 'run' situation. I'm to just dump my vows, and our marriage, leaving her helpless because she's trying to understand married life? Is it realistic to say "but judge...she doesn't cook, clean, or have enough sex." so surely we must be divorced. Maybe, in 2019, that's the norm. 

If maturity comes with age, experience, and communication...that seems like it may be a bumpy start, but then improve dramatically.

In terms of advice, what can I do in these early stages? The first year is often called wet cement, in which both people are trying to build that foundation. I'm used to my life, my rules, the same goes for her. 

I do agree, if nothing changes, then there may be no alternative. People don't always work out, that's just life. At the same time, I feel like I should do everything in my power to make it work.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Anon898989 said:


> I'm just hesitant on the whole 'run' situation. I'm to just dump my vows, and our marriage, leaving her helpless because she's trying to understand married life? Is it realistic to say "but judge...she doesn't cook, clean, *or have enough sex.*" so surely we must be divorced. Maybe, in 2019, that's the norm.
> 
> If maturity comes with age, experience, and communication...that seems like it may be a bumpy start, but then improve dramatically.
> 
> ...


Have enough sex? You have had sex once since you got married. That has zippo to do with maturity or coming of age, or a bumpy start. It means she does not want to have sex with you. The big question is why, do you have any ideas?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Her lifestyle is kinda baffling for me. How did you meet her? You are about 8-9 years older than she--does she need a father figure? At this age that is a big difference. Has she ever been a user of cannabis, other legal or illegal drugs? In what exact ways has she changed since you started dating? 

If she does well at work, that means she can accomplish 'the necessary' if it is important enough to her. Please do not set a precedent for not talking about things she wants to avoid. That is not the way to grow a marriage. Could you create a plan to do things together in the home to help her mature? 

I'm thinking you need outside help to find a balance--maybe MC?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Anon898989 said:


> I'm just hesitant on the whole 'run' situation. I'm to just dump my vows, and our marriage, leaving her helpless because she's trying to understand married life? Is it realistic to say "but judge...she doesn't cook, clean, or have enough sex." so surely we must be divorced. Maybe, in 2019, that's the norm.


I understand this completely. You dont want to just run out on such a new situation. 




Anon898989 said:


> In terms of advice, what can I do in these early stages? The first year is often called wet cement, in which both people are trying to build that foundation. I'm used to my life, my rules, the same goes for her.
> 
> I do agree, if nothing changes, then there may be no alternative. People don't always work out, that's just life. At the same time, I feel like I should do everything in my power to make it work.


You need to communicate with her, she needs to understand what is expected and really, how life works. If you do not get changes going NOW, you are screwed, and are in for years and years of misery with this girl. Please do not take a passive approach here and let her walk all over you.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Anon898989 said:


> I'm basing that on her affection for me. I feel there's genuine love. Maybe I'm being too optimistic, or been too hurt in the past. Maybe I'm just tired of meaningless nights and want someone to come home to daily.


"Genuine love" is probably meant to be an authentic love with selfless acts of compassion, empathy, and kindness... how many of her actions are selfless?

Making it work should probably not include any maturity codependency... we all want to grow with our partner, but be a full-time trainer?

Not all want to be led... if she becomes angry when you discuss your different styles of marital life, your boundaries may become quickly challenged.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Anon898989 said:


> In terms of advice, what can I do in these early stages? The first year is often called wet cement, in which both people are trying to build that foundation. I'm used to my life, my rules, the same goes for her.


The types of issues you should be dealing with are minor things trying to agree on how to load the dishwasher. What you are dealing with is trying to change her into a person with a different personality. You want to change her from a unmotivated person to a motivated person, from a messy person to a neat person, and from a person who doesn't want sex to a person who does want sex. There's nothing intrinsically wrong or unethical with how she's living. Lots of people live in messy houses, watch Netflix all day, and don't have sex. It sounds like that doesn't match with you, but it doesn't mean she's a bad person for being like that. 

On the flipside, what would it take for you to change to be like her? What if she comes up to you and says "Your focus on neatness really stresses me out. And why are you so go-go-go all the time instead of enjoying life? And not having sex is so freeing! I think you need to change to be more like me." How agreeable would you be to that? That is, how much are *you* willing to change to better fit with her personality?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Anon898989 said:


> In terms of advice, what can I do in these early stages? The first year is often called wet cement, in which both people are trying to build that foundation. I'm used to my life, my rules, the same goes for her.


Talk to her. Tell her your expectations. Find out why she doesn't want sex. If she says it's because she's tired, that is a load of horse excrement. If working 40 hours a week makes a 23 year old too tired for sex, either she has no sex drive or something is seriously wrong with her physically. I just cannot even imagine. If you think it is in any way normal, you are wrong and making excuses for her. Something is wrong.

Have you spoken to her frankly about your concerns about the lack of sex and the lack of concern for the condition of her home?



Anon898989 said:


> I do agree, if nothing changes, then there may be no alternative. People don't always work out, that's just life. At the same time, I feel like I should do everything in my power to make it work.


You cannot change for her. But you really do need to tell her that you are not going to keep living like this. Again, if she doesn't make any changes or they are short lived, then you will probably know within three months. But if she does make changes, wait for six months and see if it's enough and if it has been sustained.

I am not one to throw away a marriage, but your wife seems checked out. If your spouse has deserted the marriage and doesn't respond when you let her know it's unacceptable, then you can either live in misery or end it.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> Dude ..... save yourself all the why, how, reasoning, wondering, and confusion. In 5 years your going to be a complete wreck.
> 
> 
> DO NOT HAVE A KID WITH HER.......DO NOT HAVE A KID WITH HER......DO NOT HAVE A KID WITH HER.......DO NOT HAVE A KID WITH HER.....
> ...


Red and large. PLEASE follow this advice if nothing else.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Seriously? This is an overgrown infant. Whereas I am loathe to recommend divorce based on a few paragraphs, if one tenth of what you have written is true, then you really need to just ask her to go back to her parents and tell her that you are either divorcing or you are having the marriage annulled. Wow. Hasn't done her own laundry? First thing, have a word with her parents and let them know that you are seriously considering ending this due to her behavior. PLUS PLUS PLUS. Her entire MO appears to be very teenager like, I would not hesitate to bet that the second you try to discipline her, or talk to her folks, she will run off and have an affair to get back at you. Seen this type too often. Immature, selfish and stupid are a dangerous combination....for the spouse.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

She is lazy and selfish. She might be "sweet" and hold your hand, but she is lazy and selfish. Add to that the lack of sex during what should be the honeymoon period, and it's not good.

You have no children yet. I'd walk away. At the very least, insist on counseling and set an internal timeline for walking away if there is not drastic, lasting change.


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## Anon898989 (Mar 26, 2019)

CynthiaDe said:


> I just cannot even imagine. If you think it is in any way normal, you are wrong and making excuses for her. Something is wrong.


Well, she was never really sexual prior to the marriage. Her reasoning was that it was sinful. I called her on it, and the reasoning was "how am I supposed to enjoy it, when I'm going to hell". I just thought, maybe, waiting was crucial, and that wasn't a deal breaker to me. But past marriage, you'd think she'd turn into a nymph.

And yes, even just to date me at 23, she couldn't spend the night without her parents blowing up her phone, demanding she be home. 

I'm working with a lot of "parental" baggage, that's hard to unwind 23 years of influence.

I didn't purposely seek out anyone younger, we just met. I usually date my age. No she has never used drugs, not even legally when visiting states where it was recreational.

What exactly do you mean by catfishing? I associate that with online. Are you saying she just wants a kid to "lock me down", so it's all the harder to leave?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Have you even spoken to her about her lack of sexual interest? I don't know of any religion that teaches sex after marriage is sinful.

What I think a lot of us are trying to make you see is that people with these kinds of issues don't change unless they have a great incentive to do so. If she feels guilty having sex with you now that the two of you are married, she's not going to get over that without help or without a great pressure on her to change her way of thinking.

Like Wilson said:



wilson said:


> What you are dealing with is trying to change her into a person with a different personality. You want to change her from a unmotivated person to a motivated person, from a messy person to a neat person, and from a person who doesn't want sex to a person who does want sex.


This has nothing to do with maturity. It has to do with who she is as a person.

You are getting advice from people who have seen this throughout their lives. This is not a temporary thing. This is how she thinks and it's not going to change unless something drastic happens.

I would also caution you that she may indeed try to trap you with a pregnancy. Make sure you wear a condom! That is if you can get her to see that sex is a good thing. If she believes God expects people to wait until marriage, then she must also believe that God made sex. If God made it, doesn't it follow that it's good?

This is not the time for kid gloves. The longer this goes on, the more difficult it is going to be to resolve. Put an end to this behavior now. Tell her what you expect the two of you to work together to have a clean home. It doesn't have to be a sterile environment, but laundry needs to be done and the house needs to be reasonably clean. Maybe make a chore chart. Seriously. My husband and I had a chore schedule when we were younger. We sat down and decided what we hated, what we didn't mind, and what we liked. That was half the battle. We then decided who did what. It worked great. Our house was clean and we didn't fight over it anymore.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Anon898989 said:


> Well, she was never really sexual prior to the marriage. Her reasoning was that it was sinful. I called her on it, and the reasoning was "how am I supposed to enjoy it, when I'm going to hell". I just thought, maybe, waiting was crucial, and that wasn't a deal breaker to me. But past marriage, you'd think she'd turn into a nymph.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Oh dude... you are so screwed. (And not the way you should be as a newlywed.) Her folks have warped her mind against sex and you are in for an epic battle that you are very much unlikely to win. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Honestly, forget about the whole "housework thing" or if she is immature just leaving home, how to run a household, etc.... *Very simply put, they just got married and have only had sex once.* Even the most immature couple should still be having sex nonstop this early on.
> 
> Honestly dude, sounds like she just isn't in to you. She probably wanted to break free from home and saw you as an easy option. End it before it is too late...


Good Lord!


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

I knew a man who had a wife just like this one. She spent a lot of time with Mama, didn't work, did no housework, and there was little sex. The husband had to do all the housework and yardwork, and the girl couldn't figure out why he wasn't happy. This one was too tied to Mama. In the end, he divorced her and now lives with a responsible woman. My advice: Dump her now and DO NOT have children with her!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Honestly, forget about the whole "housework thing" or if she is immature just leaving home, how to run a household, etc.... *Very simply put, they just got married and have only had sex once.* Even the most immature couple should still be having sex nonstop this early on.
> 
> Honestly dude, sounds like she just isn't in to you. She probably wanted to break free from home and saw you as an easy option. End it before it is too late...


This is worth repeating again!

Dude! Mrs. C and I had sex 30+ times the first week we met, continued for years, got her pregnant, got married, kept at it like rabbits with a brief speed bump and she still hunts me down nearly 28 years later.

You have got nothing!!!!

Annulment!!!

Do you have self esteem issue???

My woman has walked funny most days since meeting me.

Is someone feeding you estrogen???

I sincerely do not understand some of the nonsense I am seeing about sexless relationships?

She doesn't even keep house so she isn't even a maid?

Just a fixture that eats fast food and watches Netflix???

I'm a 48 year old grandfather and, if by some twist of fate, I found myself married to a woman in her twenties, she would have just as much trouble walking straight as Mrs. Conan does.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Anon898989 said:


> I'm basing that on her affection for me. I feel there's genuine love. Maybe I'm being too optimistic, or been too hurt in the past. Maybe I'm just tired of meaningless nights and want someone to come home to daily.
> 
> Is not cleaning a sign that she doesn't love me and we need to divorce? That seems extreme. Maybe it's a sign that she works 10 hour shifts and is exhausted? I could easily clean everything, but that's not a precedent I want to set, so I just leave it go.
> 
> ...


As someone who has been through a similar situation:

That's if you really want to try. 
My past experience would say out the door you go. I wouldn't want another 18-20yrs of that hell.

1. Make sure she doesn't get pregnant before you get this lined out.

2. make sure you ducks are in a row. That you do your part and are treating her right.

3. Sit her down, and tell her her behavior is unacceptable, and needs to change. Be upfront, polite but don't back down from right. But since you say. 


> If I try to bring up any of the subjects, she shuts down completely.


 Perhaps you are being whiny instead of direct?? Hell no. I would boot her out. But that's just me

4. As for the sex discuss it as well. If you don't get it straighten out now it will get worse. Remember wet cement analogy. Do you want it to set this way?

If she doesn't start making an effort or show lots of improvement. Get out.

I had to take pictures of my house and tell my XW if she didn't straighten up we were divorcing and I would get the kids. You don't want to have to do that in a marriage.

Sounds more like a princess mentality than immaturity.

Stop rationalizing for her and her 10hr days. I put in 8 hours of physical labor, as well as lining out to helpers today on how I wanted things done, and going back to my job, came home to do another 2hours of paper work, billing, and customer calls. Then took care of my dogs, and a few chores in the house. 

Curious if she has stuffed animals, pictures of animals, or figurines, and if so what are they of?


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## Anon898989 (Mar 26, 2019)

It's just confusing, because she works really hard at work. As in, many evenings she's taking work home with her for hours, after having worked late. Her office is all-female, just a small healthcare startup.

I know, you're all saying run, run, run. What is the purpose of vows, if you're ready to run a few months into marriage? I agree, if things don't change, you have to make yourself happy. I think a future women would date me, if I explained the reasoning for divorce.

I'm just looking for advice that doesn't involve going to a lawyer on a new marriage. I know countless coworkers at work that are hooking up and having affairs. We're not talking those scenario's, or an abusive spouse, etc. 

By the way, the average sex is 54 times a year. I'm glad you did it 30+ times in a week, but there's also realities to marriage. Obviously I'd prefer it 30+ times, I've just yet to meet any relationship where the woman wanted it non-stop. Then you have all the articles where the spouse suddenly loses interest years down the road, or cheats, etc. 

I just think, things could be worst than ironing out our expectations. Maybe I'm naive, I don't know marriage life and normalcy.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Man. Several here have given good advice. 

I have been down the road you are on. It's good character you want to honor you vows. 

However she appears not to be honoring hers or you wouldn't be here.

Sounds like she is sublimating her sex drive. 

You can't have a marriage if she shuts down everytime you try to discuss something of importance to you. There is a term for that which I forget name of, but it is a manipulative control tactic. 
You are being trained plain and simple. It will breed resentment in you if you let it continue. 
Your statements already show resentment growing. 
What you have described is a relationship of a parent to child. You the child her the parent as she is shutting you down.

Her statements on sex are text book.

I am still curious on stuffed animals, figurines and such.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Anon898989 said:


> It's just confusing, because she works really hard at work. As in, many evenings she's taking work home with her for hours, after having worked late. Her office is all-female, just a small healthcare startup.


This also is not a good sign. She's passionate about things she wants to be passionate about, but that doesn't seem to include you or the marriage. 

The problems you mention are often the problems that lead to divorce after years or decades of being married. They often signal the fact that the emotional connection and love has been lost: lack of desire, lack of concern about the house, excessive time spent on personal hobbies or desires, etc. The concern we all have is you are going to spend years trying to make things better, but you're already at the point at which most marriages end. And those long marriages often have many things which motivate people to stay together: kids, experiences, family, etc. Your relationship lacks any real glue that can hold it together or motivate her to work on the relationship. 

What does it matter to her if you divorce? What would change in her life? If you moved out, how much would it really affect her?

It's understandable if you want to try to work on things, but you should expect to see significant changes quickly if you want to keep working on things. Don't flush years or decades of your life down the drain trying to change her or make this relationship into something its not. And what about kids? What kind of parent would she be with this kind of behavior? You are young enough you have plenty of time to find someone else who will likely be a much better partner and potential parent than you could ever hope to achieve with your current wife.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Anon898989 said:


> It's just confusing, because she works really hard at work. As in, many evenings she's taking work home with her for hours, after having worked late. Her office is all-female, just a small healthcare startup.
> 
> I know, you're all saying run, run, run. What is the purpose of vows, if you're ready to run a few months into marriage? I agree, if things don't change, you have to make yourself happy. I think a future women would date me, if I explained the reasoning for divorce.
> 
> ...


Ugh....

Well, I've been with my wife for almost 28 years, officiated 5 weddings and counseled couple's for over 20 years.

In my opinion, your wife is extremely unhealthy about her views on sex, as in terminally unhealthy, and marital responsibilities.

She should have never gotten married but if you want her as a project then get to a marriage and sex therapist, there are Christian ones, and start working on building a functional human.

You need work as well. My remarks were meant to be every bit as sharp as they sounded.

There is something amiss with you in that you aren't smashing holes in things, lifting cars and punching hamsters in the face due to blue balls!

54x a year is at least once a week on average and that doesn't include the honeymoon phase which you two should still solidly be in.

You have had it once in a months long marriage........


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon898989 said:


> I've always been a romantic at heart, but the horror stories have led me to pass on one girl after another seriously in the past decade. Instead I just focused on my career, obtaining several advanced STEM degrees, being a homeowner, etc.
> 
> I was mostly just doing the the "Netflix" dating scene, as bars and clubs aren't my thing. It worked out perfect, as there was no attachment, no drama, just relaxation.
> 
> ...


Welcome to the bait and switch. You will not change this individual. Cut ties. Move on.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

She is what she is, but you a 30 something man who should be by now versed on relationships and red flags, keep trying to dismiss the collective wisdom of people that has been through your situation, or just have the experience in life; instead you keep arguing to hear what you want to hear.

You are trying to go against her nature (if indeed that's what the problem with her is), but you should know by now that you can't; instead you will rationalize at any cost reasons to stay. This in itself is a red flag about you. Are you so low in confidence and self worth, to think that you must keep the relationship at your own peril?

For all you know: your one time sex??? Since marriage with her could be so many variables, and she is just giving you excuses: super low sex drive person, asexual, used you to get out of her parents' dominance, but in reality she is not into you at all, religion **** up her brain toward sexually, she's a homosexual, but won't tell you, etc., etc., Have your pick.

Her sloppiness is either her nature or lack of motivation, since she might think that it does not affect her, since there's never been any real consequences.

You on the other hand appear to be missing something, because let me tell you, any man/woman worth his/her salt would not in any way tolerate what you've been tolerating. 
So obviously, it seems that regardless of her behavior toward you, and what everyone is telling you what is it that you need to do, and what is in store for you if you don't, you won't do anything, and after a few years you'll be back asking the same question all over again, except that this time your life has passed you by. 

Good luck OP, you'll need it.


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## SuburbanDad (Jul 31, 2018)

Anon898989 said:


> Well, she was never really sexual prior to the marriage. Her reasoning was that it was sinful. I called her on it, and the reasoning was "how am I supposed to enjoy it, when I'm going to hell". I just thought, maybe, waiting was crucial, and that wasn't a deal breaker to me. But past marriage, you'd think she'd turn into a nymph.
> 
> And yes, even just to date me at 23, she couldn't spend the night without her parents blowing up her phone, demanding she be home.
> 
> ...


The lines above in red are a recipe for disaster in the future. It could also be VERY near future. There are always players she will meet anytime/anywhere. Players gotta play and she's ripe for picking. 

They will not treat her respectfully like you have as far as the sex goes


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## Anon898989 (Mar 26, 2019)

FYI I'm listening to every comment, taking all advice as I approach this situation.

I'm coming here, because I want nothing more than to make a great relationship. I'm committed and will do everything to make something work, within my power. I'm never going to cheat or do any of that nonsense, at that point I'd rather divorce than live a lie, hurt someone, or put them at risk.

You're right I am young, and do enjoy daily sex. In past relationships, it seemed to be many many times a day. So this an *immense* dry spell, to say the least. At the same time, I was military and deployed, so I can push through these moments if it's just temporary. Maybe there's more going on than I know, and she's just not being communicative. It may also be her medication eliminating her sex drive. There's also something called hypoactive sexual desire disorder. Maybe her mindset needs to reset after decades of being brainwashed on the evil of sexual temptations.

I do agree, I should expect to see changes quickly or it's probably indicative of having to part ways. 

What a cluster.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

OP, I've got to ask: Why did you get married in the first place? I got married because I was deeply in love with my wife, and wouldn't want to live life without her. We dated - really dated - and were engaged for two years prior to that, and had a pretty good idea of who the other was. One of those things we discovered is that our sex drives are pretty similar. I ask, because it sounds almost like you married because you were checking a life goal off a list. 

When this marriage ends, actually date, not just Netflix and chill. Find out who they are by doing things, all manner of things, with them.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Wow. Everyone is telling you to get out of this terrible relationship. I'd like to offer a different perspective. Sadly, I've got nothing. This one seems pretty straightforward.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I guess that, owing to the fact that you married her, you shouldn't just cut and run. Try laying down the law. Make it clear that these are things that need to change immediately or that this is over. Be realistic about your expectations, but leave her the option of either being and adult wife or being single.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

While you're considering what to do, read "No More Mr Nice Guy":
https://www.drglover.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy/the-book.html
You can download the PDF if you want to start reading now. 

Some of what you are describing about yourself sounds like some of the traits of a "Nice Guy". Basically, a Nice Guy thinks that by being nice, other people will do what he wants them to do. It is very typical for a NIce Guy to latch onto a broken person and be eager to try to fix them. They think that if they help fix the person, the person will be so thankful that they'll fall in love, want sex, etc. So like with your wife, a NG might think that by doing her laundry and cleaning the house, she'll be less stressed and then want sex. Or that he'll say she doesn't have to work so she'll be more relaxed and then have time to clean the house and be more in the mood for sex. But rarely does that work out. The reality is that the Nice Guy gets taken for granted and taken advantage of.

It might be worth reading the book to see if you recognize traits of yourself in a Nice Guy. If so, it can help you work on things so you are more direct with what you want and be more likely to achieve those things.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

She is not going to magically change, especially if she doesn’t see anything wrong with her behavior. So you have to address the issues as they come up. So start with the sex first..
Tonight initiate sex and see what she does. If she refuses say... honey we have been married for X amount of months and we have only had sex one time. Whats the matter? Then have a open and honest conversation with her. Because let me tell you something, sex is important, and she is your wife and you love her and need to be intimate with her. Tell her these things because it’s important to you!! And if it’s important to you she should make it a priority for you.


Start there and see what happens.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

And I’m just going to preach for a second about sex. Sex is different than anything else because we are the only ones who can have sex with our spouse, we expect monogamy, and sex is a human need. There is absolutely no excuse for a healthy 23-year-old newlywed not to have sex with her husband. Period. 
When I’m in a relationship I am very aware that I am the only one who can pleasure my man. And same with him. Therefore I make it a priority to learn what THEY like for the simple fact of... I like to make them happy, and when they are happy I am happy. 
And if you have a conversation with her about it (which you must!) and she doesn’t make it a priority then I would question her love and respect for you.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Anon898989 said:


> FYI I'm listening to every comment, taking all advice as I approach this situation.
> 
> I'm coming here, because *I want nothing more than to make a great relationship*. I'm committed and* will do everything to make something* work, within my power. I'm never going to cheat or do any of that nonsense, at that point I'd rather divorce than live a lie, hurt someone, or put them at risk.


You can't do that by yourself. A relationship is not made with a person and lumber and tools. But another person. It takes 2.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> You can't do that by yourself. A relationship is not made with a person and lumber and tools. But another person. It takes 2.




Right on! You can lead a horse to water...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Maybe your optimistic outlook on how much she can change is coming from your military experience. I'm sure you saw a lot of total screwups become fine and respected soldiers through the right leadership and hard work. I'm sure a big part of that comes from the fact that there is a lot of structure in place in the military and the screwups can't just walk out the gate and give up whenever they want. In the civilian world, people like your wife can just say 'no' if she doesn't want to do it your way. A solder can be ordered to act a certain way, but your wife will have to be motivated to change.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> At only 23 and having never lived on her own, she has ZERO idea what it takes to run a household, and is still practically a child. She has gone from one set of parents to a new father figure with you. I'm not sure what the hell you were thinking marrying someone not only this young, but this much younger than you at this stage in her life. You need to communicate to her how things work and help her with what is expected with being an actual grownup. That doesnt mean do it for her, but literally SHOW HER how things work and what needs to be done in order for a household to function. You took on the parent role here, so get to parenting. You can work on the actual marriage role as it goes along.


I don't agree its about age, but maturity. I married at 19, worked full time with 2 1/2 hours travelling, bought our first home age 20, had a child at 21, managed to get all the washing, cleaning, cooking and house work done. 

This lady never washing her clothes and even buying more because nothing is clean. That's beyond bizarre. She sounds completely useless and clueless.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Due to time constraints I’ve had to scan, so I’m sorry if I ask or say something that someone already said. I have a tremendous amount to say, but it will all depend on your answers. I might be able to help you a bit.

——

How long did you date?
How long have you been married?
 (You say you have been married “months” is that 2 or 11...it could be a big difference.)
Is your wife active in her church? (Weekly, not an Easter/Christmas thing). 
Has her participation level in her faith of choice lessened since she started dating and the married you?
Are you religious?
Are you active in their/your church, and if so to what level?
——-
Any idea how her folks feel about her marrying someone who doesn’t share the same moral code as their daughter? What they said to her about her participating in premarital sex, if they know?
——
Was she a virgin when you got together?
Does it seem to bother her that you had so many partners before her, when she believed in saving herself for marriage?
——
How many times *total* would you estimate you have had sex with her?
Do you guys sext and flirt daily?
Kiss and snuggle daily?
Do you know if she masturbates?
Does she seem to get turned on when you do this stuff?
If you start making out with your wife, what happens?
If you roll over and poke her with morning wood on the weekend, what is her reaction?
—-
Before her, how long did your average relationship last?
How would *you* rate yourself as a lover (your ability to genuinely please a woman sexually)?
How was any feedback you received on your abilities in any longer term (more than a few Netflix hooks ups) relationships if there were any?

———-
Thank you ahead of time for answering these as detailed as you are comfortable with and honestly. I respect that you take your vows seriously. There may be some solutions here.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Ok I have read this thread over a period of a few days.

If I read correctly, you two waited for marriage to have sex?

Was her first time with you horrible?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Anon898989 said:


> Well, she was never really sexual prior to the marriage. Her reasoning was that it was sinful. I called her on it, and the reasoning was "how am I supposed to enjoy it, when I'm going to hell". I just thought, maybe, waiting was crucial, and that wasn't a deal breaker to me. *But past marriage, you'd think she'd turn into a nymph.
> *
> And yes, even just to date me at 23, she couldn't spend the night without her parents blowing up her phone, demanding she be home.
> 
> ...



The bolded is not a reasonable expectation. Unless, she couldn't keep her hands off of you there was no reason to expect a girl who thought sex was sinful would magically overcome it.

Young people have this notion that a ceremony and marriage license will dramatically alter their lives. Nope, it is pretty much the same as before. 

Since she shuts down when you try to address the issues, send her an e-mail telling her what you will be addressing with her so she can prepare herself. That's if you really want to go through life having sex 4 times a year. Otherwise, pull the plug. She's just not into you.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Anon898989 said:


> FYI I'm listening to every comment, taking all advice as I approach this situation.
> 
> I'm coming here, because I want nothing more than to make a great relationship. I'm committed and will do everything to make something work, within my power. I'm never going to cheat or do any of that nonsense, at that point I'd rather divorce than live a lie, hurt someone, or put them at risk.
> 
> ...


Once again, you have had sex once since you got married. Please, just keep repeating this over and over again until you finally understand this is NOT NORMAL by any stretch. All I see is excuses. She said she was against sex prior to marriage b/c it was sinful, you are married, what's the problem? 

My only recommendation right now (aside from try to get an annulment, which let's be honest, if the only reasonable thing to do), talk to her specifically about sex and get her reasoning as to why you guys have only had sex once. Does she acknowledge it is a problem? Does she understand that the way things are now is simply not acceptable nor sustainable for this marriage? If she gets defensive and shuts down right away, then by all means get the divorce lawyer queued up. I guess look on the bright side though, you have a lot of people where sex was plentiful at the start of the marriage but slowly dwindled over the years. You guys just decided to skip over the good part and dive right into a sexless marriage...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You're thinking family of origin issues can be overcome. For a few maybe but that takes a lot of work and most don't overcome them. In this instance, I'm specifically think of sex. The damage done there is usually life-long. There are plenty of threads here from husbands complaining their wives' religious upbringing has seriously impacted their sex lives for decades. 

Could your wife be an exception to that at some point? Maybe. But do you want to bet the rest of your life on that? It was naive of you to think a ring on her finger would magically solve that issue. Possibly that works for some but in general that issue doesn't just go away. 

If this is not something you have seriously discussed with her then you need to. Now.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Anon898989 said:


> I've always been a romantic at heart, but the horror stories have led me to pass on one girl after another seriously in the past decade. Instead I just focused on my career, obtaining several advanced STEM degrees, being a homeowner, etc.


Societal problem. 



Anon898989 said:


> The problem is that there's no 'motivation' on her part. Since getting married months ago, we've had sex once.


Why? She is not into you? Was this her first sexual experience? She did not enjoy it? She is saying NO to your advances? Psychological inhibitions? Medical factors?

You need to address this matter on priority basis; intimacy is necessary for *bonding* between you and your wife on long-term basis. Talk to your wife about the importance of intimacy in marriage, and encourage her through and through. Even if this route involves therapy and/or medical interventions, so be it. Do not settle for a sexless marriage.

Me and my wife - *both* arrived in our marriage as virgins. Initial experiences are not necessarily great but it gets better, much better over time. We are now at a stage that I absolutely love having sex with my wife, and she really enjoy the experience as well. Our bonding is stronger than ever before, much stronger. And we are blessed with a beautiful baby girl. <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>

Virginity does not imply lack of potential in intimacy with your partner. In fact, loosing your virginity to your one true love can be a memorable experience for both of you. However, you keep on trying afterwards.

How is your GAME in the matters of romance? Do you try to get her in the mood? Do you take her out for breakfast, lunch, or dinner? Do you take her to interesting spots/locations? Do you go shopping with her? Do you try to surprise her with gifts that might appeal to her? Do you have fun time with her at home? Do you encourage her to buy sexy cloths and wear them at home for you? Are you confident with women in general? How are your communication skills? Do you listen to your wife when she wants to have a conversation with you? Do you allow your wife to VENT when she is frustrated? So many factors to consider, but doable.

Try to ROMANCE your wife. No harm in consulting some books in this regard to IMPROVE your GAME.












Anon898989 said:


> The house looks like a tornado, all I ask is we share responsibility for cleaning. She has yet to do laundry (She has 8 baskets, literally every item she owns). She's just begun wearing my clothes and buying new. She can't seem to wake up prior to 10 minutes leaving for work. Every dinner is just "what are we getting from "x" fast food). Since she no longer lives at home, every weekend she just wants to spend there. When she gets off work, she just turns on her shows and doesn't want to be bothered. She has also not changed her name, which she fully agrees on and is tradition, just doesn't have the "time". Yet even on days off, she went over and grabbed lunch with family while I was at work.


Nobody is perfect, but your wife sound pampered by her parents to enormous degree. Nevertheless, a bit early to loose hope in your case because your marriage is NEW.

The RED part caught my attention in particular - what do you mean by this? Your wife does not lives with you, or in your home?

_Marital life_ is supposed to be different from _being single_, and relevant ADJUSTMENTS are necessary for both of the partners. Your wife needs to understand your needs, and do her best to fulfill them; you need to do the same in turn. It is also beneficial to SPLIT RESPONSIBILITIES in your household - discuss this matter with your wife, and ask her what responsibilities she can take easily.

Put your military skills to good use in your home by the way, and tidy it up. CLEAN environment is ROMANTIC environment to say the least. If your wife feels overwhelmed at the prospect of cleaning your home then hire a part-time maid for this kind of work. 

I hired a part-time maid to clean my house because my wife is a working lady and we have a baby as well, and I understand that she would feel overwhelmed if she had to do heavy lifting in this regard. She does make sure that our home is tidy, and things are in order, on her own and by checking on the maid from time-to-time. If I notice a problem, I alert her, or do something about it on my own.



Anon898989 said:


> In terms of dating, she had come over twice a week. I never saw all these aspects. We watched movies, dinners out, etc.


See my suggestions above. Continue to DATE and/or ROMANCE your wife at every opportunity. 



Anon898989 said:


> If I try to bring up any of the subjects, she shuts down completely.


Communication problems? You need to elaborate this part.



Anon898989 said:


> Otherwise, her actions signal being the most loving, caring, wife possible. I really hypothesis it's a matter of maturity and what to "do" in a relationship. In terms of work, she's full throttle once she gets there, so I know the motivation in that regards is strong.
> 
> I want this relationship to work, we know the first year is a very difficult transition, so please give me ANY advice. I would ask at this stage, divorce not being the recommended solution that's the easy way out back into the dating world.


The 'most loving, caring, wife possible' part seems to be a stretch based on your disclosures here, but she might have some qualities which were sufficient for you to consider her for marriage. Your wife is a working lady, passionate about her work, and likely contributing to your income base, so this is GOOD for you in the long-term. Sustainability of household is an important long-term consideration.

Nevertheless, you need to emphasize your expectations from your wife to her in your conversations with her, and seek similar input from her. You should give your relationship at least 3 full years to blossom.

HOWEVER:-

Do not contemplate having kids with your wife just yet - you two are not ready to bear this responsibility at present (not even close). Do your best to FIX your marriage FIRST.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm not one to advise people to end their marriages, especially not a new marriage. I would recommend you both seek marriage counselling together. But first, you need to have a "come to Jesus" conversation - lay it all out on the line re the sex problem. Everything else can be learned re running a house etc. but you're going to have an uphill battle when it comes to sex given the way she's been raised. If she can't see that there's a problem, or won't get counselling then honestly, you may have to seriously consider ending the marriage.

A healthy, regular sex life is a beautiful part of a loving marriage. Without it, the marriage will limp along until it snuffs out. That is going to be your biggest challenge.

Proceed with caution and for god sake DON'T get her pregnant.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

OP...if you could please please answer my questions from my last post, even if you want to PM me. I have some suggestions that could possibly help you, but I need to know a little more. Thanks! 

PS- I’m pro-saving marriages when possible!


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## Anon898989 (Mar 26, 2019)

**Closing Post**

I appreciate all the advice given, and have now pushed my way through communicating that we need to seek professional post-marital counseling, which is common. 

**Closing post**


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Sorry Anon -- so this means that she AGREED to going to counseling? If so, Great news for you and best of luck!


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

I didn't read the entire thread so I apologize if this has already been answered. You didn't live with her before getting married? That's a tough call. I've read a lot of people telling you to run but I would suggest sitting her down and explaining your concerns. As for her going to her parents often that will wear down. She's home sick so that makes sense. I would just try to make plans with her so she can't go even if it just on Saturdays for now. Don't force that too much.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

There's nothing in Christian theology that gives her the right to hold her husband a sexual hostage. SZt. paul said that a women's body is not her's but the husband's. And he said the same wives.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> I don't agree its about age, but maturity. I married at 19, worked full time with 2 1/2 hours travelling, bought our first home age 20, had a child at 21, managed to get all the washing, cleaning, cooking and house work done.
> 
> This lady never washing her clothes and even buying more because nothing is clean. That's beyond bizarre. She sounds completely useless and clueless.


23 year olds today aren't like 23 year olds of generations gone by though...They're more like teens lol.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Anon898989 said:


> I'm just hesitant on the whole 'run' situation. I'm to just dump my vows, and our marriage, leaving her helpless because she's trying to understand married life? Is it realistic to say "but judge...she doesn't cook, clean, or have enough sex." so surely we must be divorced. Maybe, in 2019, that's the norm.
> 
> If maturity comes with age, experience, and communication...that seems like it may be a bumpy start, but then improve dramatically.
> 
> ...


The first part of marriage is known as the honeymoon stage where you can’t get enough of each other. 

Princess yes. My best friend in the service married one of these young ladies as well they ended up divorced eight years later with two kids. She never learned to clean wash dishes do laundry anything, he had to do it all


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