# My MIL is a pain in the ass



## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Story: I came home from work tonight just feeling a little down and depressed. My job has been stressful lately and I've been in a bad mood. 3 year old daughter has been sick since Tuesday and tonight when I get home she's coughing her head off. I'm already irritated. Then I see the kitchen is a complete wreck and my wife is paying little attention to me, per usual when our daughter is awake. Frustration boils over and I said "well looks like this is going to be a ****ty weekend and no one is gonna get any sleep around here bc xxx is still sick."

Wife got mad at this, and I cant argue with that - comment was probably out of line. Well then she turns around and texts her mom what I said word for word. Mom has been a problem and source of tension for awhile because I think she's too meddling and my wife tells her pretty much everything that goes on and ALWAYS tells her when we are fighting which I think is inappropriate when we are both 30 years old. 

Anyway, I read her mothers response and it says "omg, I can't believe he said that, should I come over there and slap some sense into him?" "maybe he should just go sleep at his parents house tonight!"

So at this point I'm raging. What, if anything should I do about my toxic MIL. I'd like to confront her and give her a piece of my mind but that probably isn't prudent. I've tried talking to my wife about my unhappiness with her telling her mother everything. That got me nowhere fast and I concluded her behavior isnt likely to change. 

Any thoughts on this? Am I just overreacting?
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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I forgot to add: before she was done bashing me she also said "he has NO sense!!"
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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

I'm curious ... how close by does MIL live? My (now) ex has been living with his mommy for over two years now, and her enabling has allowed him to wreak more destruction (he gambled away most of our assets and has been involved with a married woman since shortly before he filed for divorce). When I tried speaking with her about his need for taking some responsibility, her only comment to me is that I "will be an adulteress" if I get involved in future. And as far as she and his other relatives are concerned, I died or felll off the Earth since he decided he was "done". However, they still mess with our daughters' heads ... luckily, they are getting the picture without my saying much. Needless to say, some very wrong dynamics. But if your wife can't separate from her parent(s) to have a MARRIAGE, you are in for a long and painful road, quite possibly.


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

And BTW, we have lived next door to his parents (his father now deceased) for the past 15 years. He refused to move, as he couldn't "break a promise" to them ... that sent up a big red flag, especially as I was primary breadwinner and we lived about 40 miles one way from major employers and educational resources for me to enhance my career knowledge and potential.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

My SO complaining to his parents about me constantly would be a deal breaker. It's wrong for several reasons. One. She committed to you for the rest of her life good and bad, not her mother. Two. Those who speak negatively about their spouse eventually lose sight of anything positive. Three, her negativity plus her mothers is just going to compound any small issue into something much larger and last but not least, it kills any chance for you to have a decent relationship with MIL. It's just really bad. 

That said, what you said was really negative also. Maybe instead of making a small thing into an end all you can find a more constructive way to handle issues. It sounds like you have a lot if resentment that you need to work through yourself.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

15 minutes away. Way too close. 



dadda11o said:


> I'm curious ... how close by does MIL live? My (now) ex has been living with his mommy for over two years now, and her enabling has allowed him to wreak more destruction (he gambled away most of our assets and has been involved with a married woman since shortly before he filed for divorce). When I tried speaking with her about his need for taking some responsibility, her only comment to me is that I "will be an adulteress" if I get involved in future. And as far as she and his other relatives are concerned, I died or felll off the Earth since he decided he was "done". However, they still mess with our daughters' heads ... luckily, they are getting the picture without my saying much. Needless to say, some very wrong dynamics. But if your wife can't separate from her parent(s) to have a MARRIAGE, you are in for a long and painful road, quite possibly.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Unfortunately I think the relationship with MIL ship has already sailed. How could I even want to have a relationship with a person who apparently has little respect for me as her daughter's husband and provider?

Youre correct that I do have some resentment issues with her. They stem from my wife always using her mother for comfort instead of me. I feel lonely and unwanted bc of it. 

What I said was out of line and I acknowledge that. I just reached an over-frustrated point this evening and shouldn't have said what I did. There's no way around it but I feel like everyone has moments where they regret saying something or acting a certain way - it's human nature. 



happysnappy said:


> My SO complaining to his parents about me constantly would be a deal breaker. It's wrong for several reasons. One. She committed to you for the rest of her life good and bad, not her mother. Two. Those who speak negatively about their spouse eventually lose sight of anything positive. Three, her negativity plus her mothers is just going to compound any small issue into something much larger and last but not least, it kills any chance for you to have a decent relationship with MIL. It's just really bad.
> 
> That said, what you said was really negative also. Maybe instead of making a small thing into an end all you can find a more constructive way to handle issues. It sounds like you have a lot if resentment that you need to work through yourself.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

jd08 said:


> How could I even want to have a relationship with a person who apparently has little respect for me as her daughter's husband and provider?



That's the right question. The problem is not the mother in law. The problem is your wife. And with you, in a way you don't suspect. 

The first lesson for you to learn is that the wife is doing this _because it works_. She wants you to feel bad. So long as this keeps working for her, she'll keep doing it.

I'd laugh in both my wife's face and my mother-in-law's face if they did this. Talk about adolescent behavior. 

It's abusive, and no different from you hiring a street thug to slap your wife around every time she says something wrong - even if she apologizes. But if she likes it and they end up having sex instead - you'd stop calling him forthwith.

So your first line of defense is you becoming immune to it. What helps a great deal is this: the instant she starts calling Mom, recognize that she wants you mad. Say it out loud: you want me to be angry. 

That alone is going to break your cycle of letting your emotions get the best of you. When I learned how to do this with manipulative people it was empowering in a way I never knew possible. It can make you positively giddy with glee, not letting them get the best of you emotionally - and you'll see them blow a gasket over their loss of control. 

You will see that you have completely turned the tables on them. Before, they were so smug and cool, knowing how angry you would get. But now instead you are laughing and they're the one fuming and stomping their feet.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jd08 said:


> Youre correct that I do have some resentment issues with her. They stem from my wife always using her mother for comfort instead of me. I feel lonely and unwanted bc of it.
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree that MIL is not the problem, but I don't think the problem is in his wife, either. It's NORMAL for women to vent and get support from others - including her mom. When you have an OOPS! moment, be prepared to take some flack. 

Does your wife turn to her mom AND exclude you when she seeks comfort for things that do not involve you?


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

I learned a very long time ago to never vent to my mother. I made that mistake. This will hurt the relationship with your mil faster than anything. Your wife needs to vent to you about your behavior, and you only. 

I have to admit that was a crappy thing to say, and when I was first married I may have picked up the phone to my mom, but not any more. Even now, 23 years later, if something negative slips while i am on the phone , I change the subject quickly because she will start saying things I don't want to hear. It never fails.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I don't know about totally excluding me but it's close. Shes told me before that her mom comforts her better than me. I honestly don't know why that is bc I do try to comfort her. It just doesn't seem to work for her. Mom is #1 and I can't change that. 



KathyBatesel said:


> Does your wife turn to her mom AND exclude you when she seeks comfort for things that do not involve you?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

To be fair to her mother, she is getting one side of the story from her little girl so she's bound to be on her side.

But it's very disloyal and immature of your wife to go crying to mummy when things don't work out. She clearly needs the validation although if I were MIL I would be telling her to sort her issues out with you. Has she always done this? I wonder why she feels the need to, unless mummy encourages it
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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Yes, she's always done this. Her mother knows everything that goes on. It's endlessly frustrating and paints me in a terrible light Even our fights about sex arent private. 



Dollystanford said:


> To be fair to her mother, she is getting one side of the story from her little girl so she's bound to be on her side.
> 
> But it's very disloyal and immature of your wife to go crying to mummy when things don't work out. She clearly needs the validation although if I were MIL I would be telling her to sort her issues out with you. Has she always done this? I wonder why she feels the need to, unless mummy encourages it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I totally understand what some of you are saying that the problem is with my wife and not my MIL. However, as dolly said I think MIL bears a lot of responsibility because she could just say "you and your husband need to deal with that issue and I'm not getting involved in your marriage since its none of my business." But no she meddles right in and then says nasty things about me. That's where my problem lies with her and that's where the resentment comes from. I think she's totally egging it on and, by default, weakening our marriage. I want to tell her to go jump in a lake.
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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

jd08 said:


> I totally understand what some of you are saying that the problem is with my wife and not my MIL. However, as dolly said I think MIL bears a lot of responsibility because she could just say "you and your husband need to deal with that issue and I'm not getting involved in your marriage since its none of my business." But no she meddles right in and then says nasty things about me. That's where my problem lies with her and that's where the resentment comes from. I think she's totally egging it on and, by default, weakening our marriage. I want to tell her to go jump in a lake.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with you, but the reality is, you're not going to change your MIL. So, it's a waste of time and energy to focus on her role in this. 

I feel for you though. Nothing grates on my nerves like being ganged up on by my H and MIL. Have you told your wife that you need to be her primary relationship? What does she say to that?


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I've tried that before. Usually it's met with "I know I shouldn't do that" but nothing really ever changes. More recently I've gotten more of a negative reaction along the lines of I tell my mom everything and I'm not going to stop. That's a paraphrase but the message is the same. 



northernlights said:


> I agree with you, but the reality is, you're not going to change your MIL. So, it's a waste of time and energy to focus on her role in this.
> 
> I feel for you though. Nothing grates on my nerves like being ganged up on by my H and MIL. Have you told your wife that you need to be her primary relationship? What does she say to that?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Just brainstorming, but what if you said something to your MIL along the lines of: "I love your daughter and I want our marriage to be as strong as it can be. I want to make her the happiest woman in the world. Can you support this by responding to her texts/complaints with positive support and advice?"

It can't hurt, right? I mean, what kind of mother wants to erode her daughter's marriage?


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I love it. I had thought of something similar. It will accomplish two things: 1. Let her know that her negative meddling is unacceptable and 2) make me look completely rational in the face of her unjustified insults. 



northernlights said:


> Just brainstorming, but what if you said something to your MIL along the lines of: "I love your daughter and I want our marriage to be as strong as it can be. I want to make her the happiest woman in the world. Can you support this by responding to her texts/complaints with positive support and advice?"
> 
> It can't hurt, right? I mean, what kind of mother wants to erode her daughter's marriage?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

jd08 said:


> I don't know about totally excluding me but it's close. Shes told me before that her mom comforts her better than me. I honestly don't know why that is bc I do try to comfort her. It just doesn't seem to work for her. Mom is #1 and I can't change that.


She's maniupulative and cruel.

Being all beta about this isn't working for you. Licking your mother-in-law's boots is going to prove that her meddling crushes your ego and makes you crawl to her on your knees. No wonder neither one respects you.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

My impression is that your mother-in-law is just being a good listener. This can work to your benefit--it can be a way for your wife to vent and calm down. By her mother being on her side wholeheartedly, it will probably relieve her frustration a lot faster. After she's thinking more clearly, she's likely to come around and defend you. She'll probably tell her mom that she (your wife) was overreacting, and start talking about what your side of the argument might have been.

Different story if she goes to her mom every time you have a disagreement though. In that case, I'd do what was suggested above and try to discuss it tactfully with your mother-in-law.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I think the alpha/beta stuff tends to get overblown on here. I definitely don't "lick her boots." If anything, I think she knows that i don't care for her very much. I just have to walk a fine line between confronting or leaving well enough alone. My wife is obviously very close to her mother so I can't just solve the problem with a scorched earth confrontation. 



Wiserforit said:


> She's maniupulative and cruel.
> 
> Being all beta about this isn't working for you. Licking your mother-in-law's boots is going to prove that her meddling crushes your ego and makes you crawl to her on your knees. No wonder neither one respects you.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Anabel said:


> My impression is that your mother-in-law is just being a good listener. This can work to your benefit--it can be a way for your wife to vent and calm down. By her mother being on her side wholeheartedly, it will probably relieve her frustration a lot faster. After she's thinking more clearly, she's likely to come around and defend you. She'll probably tell her mom that she (your wife) was overreacting, and start talking about what your side of the argument might have been.
> 
> Different story if she goes to her mom every time you have a disagreement though. In that case, I'd do what was suggested above and try to discuss it tactfully with your mother-in-law.


I was thinking along these lines too.I'f its every argument then nr a constant "***** fest" or bashing fest on him.But you have to admit walking through the door and getting angry and cursing because your daughter is "still sick" and coughing her head off and the kitchen being a mess and how YOUR weekend is going to be ruined in a nutshell probably felt like an attack to her.(well because it kind of was).And she needed or wanted someone on her side.Would it make any difference had she called a non relative ..a girlfriend for example?Maybe she needed someone to confirm that what you said or how you were acting was out of line.Just liked you asked here on this thread "am I over reacting"? Except her mom is her validator.:scratchhead:


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Have you turned it around and asked your wife, "Would you like it if I called/texted my mom/dad/sibling/friend every time you've made me angry or upset?"

In 22 years of marriage I've never vented to my mom because she has a memory of an elephant and is a huge grudge holder. I can just imagine the mental tally going on in her head if I called her every time my husband said or did something stupid. She wouldn't like him very much that's for sure. She also wouldn't see how in a few hours that he's apologized, we've made up and I've let it go. 

Also, I don't see how your MIL's response to your wife's venting is comforting at all. It's more like egging her on to get more angry at you.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> Have you turned it around and asked your wife, "Would you like it if I called/texted my mom/dad/sibling/friend every time you've made me angry or upset?"
> 
> In 22 years of marriage I've never vented to my mom because she has a memory of an elephant and is a huge grudge holder. I can just imagine the mental tally going on in her head if I called her every time my husband said or did something stupid. She wouldn't like him very much that's for sure. She also wouldn't see how in a few hours that he's apologized, we've made up and I've let it go.
> 
> Also, I don't see how your MIL's response to your wife's venting is comforting at all. It's more like egging her on to get more angry at you.


She could also be thinking.(even subconsioulsy) if he knows he will be "exposed" IOW his behavior wont be a protected secret he will be more likely to control his temper.

It reminds me of something Dr.Phil (yes I know I know) has always said about his relationship with his wife.(Robin)That she knows in her heart how he speaks to her and interacts with her in front of 100 people.Is no different than how he speaks to her and treats her in private.(I'm assuming except for maybe dirty talk in bed LOL)..Robin confirms this.I guess how he manages that is he thinks before he speaks ..what if 100 people were listening to me when I am speaking to her behind closed doors.Would I be embarrassed or ashamed?Then don't say that /behave that way.

To an extent I agree with this ideology.If you would be too ashamed or embarrassed or lose standing in the community over how you treat your wife/spouse in private if the public was listening/watching then why would you accept that as "good enough" for the one you are supposed to hold the closest love the most and be the best friend of?


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

This is totally how I feel. Wife talks to mom. Mom tells her what a jerk I am. Wife agrees, thinks I'm a jerk and then I spend the next several days in the doghouse when a conversation between two married adults would have solved the issue in an hour or two. 

I have asked my wife how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. The answer is she wouldn't like it. Of course I would never do that bc I don't think my parents need to know what goes on in our marriage. 




soccermom2three said:


> Have you turned it around and asked your wife, "Would you like it if I called/texted my mom/dad/sibling/friend every time you've made me angry or upset?"
> 
> In 22 years of marriage I've never vented to my mom because she has a memory of an elephant and is a huge grudge holder. I can just imagine the mental tally going on in her head if I called her every time my husband said or did something stupid. She wouldn't like him very much that's for sure. She also wouldn't see how in a few hours that he's apologized, we've made up and I've let it go.
> 
> Also, I don't see how your MIL's response to your wife's venting is comforting at all. It's more like egging her on to get more angry at you.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I already admitted that my attitude and word choice was poor. No doubt about it. 

To me it would be different if she called a friend. I have to co-exist with her family whereas I can take or leave her friends as I please. Additionally her mom now thinks I'm the world's biggest ass and is helping to drive a wedge between our marriage with her bashing. 



dallasapple said:


> I was thinking along these lines too.I'f its every argument then nr a constant "***** fest" or bashing fest on him.But you have to admit walking through the door and getting angry and cursing because your daughter is "still sick" and coughing her head off and the kitchen being a mess and how YOUR weekend is going to be ruined in a nutshell probably felt like an attack to her.(well because it kind of was).And she needed or wanted someone on her side.Would it make any difference had she called a non relative ..a girlfriend for example?Maybe she needed someone to confirm that what you said or how you were acting was out of line.Just liked you asked here on this thread "am I over reacting"? Except her mom is her validator.:scratchhead:


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> "Would you like it if I called/texted my mom/dad/sibling/friend every time you've made me angry or upset?"


There is a difference in just being angry and upset and what you say and or do when you are.And also even what it is you are angry and upset about ..and how frequently you are angry and upset.Where would you draw the line as to "making me angry and upset and how you display that anger "..I'm sorry getting "angry and upset" at your wife (or child) because they are "coughing there head off" is unreasonable.And so is a messy kitchen.How did his wife "make him " angry and upset at her?How could his wife have avoided that?And at what point would it be walking on eggshells as to "not upset" the other person?And also it was all about "his weekend" prediction of being ****ty..and him being "ignored" as long as HIS daughter is awake.Sounds like a little bitterness and resentfulness not just his wife "making him angry or upset".And for pretty self centered reasons too.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> To me it would be different if she called a friend. I have to co-exist with her family whereas I can take or leave her friends as I please. Additionally her mom now thinks I'm the world's biggest ass and is helping to drive a wedge between our marriage with her bashing.


Well I guess I can understand that.That you are seeming to say you are O.K with her "venting " to a friend but MIL in particular is a problem..

Well I did the same thing..Problem is my mother 9 times out of 10 took my husbands side..:banghead:


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

There are definitely healthy mom/daughter venting relationships, and it doesn't sound like your wife and her mother have one.

When my H does something that annoys me, I'll (very rarely) complain to my mom. She'll listen with a sympathetic face, and commiserate, and then end the conversation with a piece of advice like, "but try to think about his good points." She's an amazing listener, and I know I'm really lucky to have her. 

What worries me most here though is that your MIL is probably your wife's primary influence with regards to how to be a wife. Has she always not liked you? Are your in-laws still married? Do they have a good relationship?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> What worries me most here though is that your MIL is probably your wife's primary influence with regards to how to be a wife. Has she always not liked you? Are your in-laws still married? Do they have a good relationship?


Yes I agree that is a concern.For the most part my mother thought my husband hung the moon and I didn't deserve him .In fact my husband has a lot of traits(the good ones) that my father doesn't that she wailed and *****ed at him constantly about all my life growing up.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Good questions. 

My wife and I have been together since we were 18 and I think there was a period of time that we got along. I was in school in another town for about 7 years and had less exposure to her. It was going over once a month for dinner or special occasions and I was fine with that. When I finished school about 5 years ago we moved back to our home town and my it seemed like my wife was constantly spending time with/calling her mom and talking to her about everything. I even spent 36 hours straight with her in the hospital when our daughter was born, including the entire labor. I believe that I have come to resent MIL because I feel like she hasn't really distanced herself from our marriage and just allowed my wife and I the space we need to work things out ourselves. I also think that MIL has picked up on the resentment coming from me (I'm terrible at hiding emotions) and it has strained our relationship in the past 3-4 years. 

As for her parents, I think their marriage is ok. They had several very rough patches and went through counseling at least once. My FIL is 12 years older than MIL. I do have respect for him and we get along well for the most part. He's a good guy who does a lot of things for my wife and I. At the same time I think he understands not to hover which is something that MIL just doesn't get. 

I should also add that my wife has two younger sisters who are both single. MIL treats them like babies (in my opinion). They are 23 and 28 years old and live in another city. My inlaws pay all their bills and have purchased cars for both of them in the past few years. 




northernlights said:


> There are definitely healthy mom/daughter venting relationships, and it doesn't sound like your wife and her mother have one.
> 
> When my H does something that annoys me, I'll (very rarely) complain to my mom. She'll listen with a sympathetic face, and commiserate, and then end the conversation with a piece of advice like, "but try to think about his good points." She's an amazing listener, and I know I'm really lucky to have her.
> 
> What worries me most here though is that your MIL is probably your wife's primary influence with regards to how to be a wife. Has she always not liked you? Are your in-laws still married? Do they have a good relationship?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> At the same time I think he understands not to hover which is something that MIL just doesn't get.


You also have to remember though your wife IS reaching out to her.Maybe its difficult for her (your MIL) to say "stop calling me you made your bed now lay in it" kind of thing..Your wife is "pulling" you MIL in ..


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

And in case anyone was concerned about the dirty kitchen, I cleaned it up about an hour and then folded three loads of laundry, . I do my share of housework. I've just been incredibly stressed at work lately and at that point in time it was a perfect storm of frustration.
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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I get that. The problem comes in the responses. MIL is just piling on and not offering constructive advice. In a sense just getting my wife further caught up in the emotional **** storm and compounding my mistake in making the comments. 



dallasapple said:


> You also have to remember though your wife IS reaching out to her.Maybe its difficult for her (your MIL) to say "stop calling me you made your bed now lay in it" kind of thing..Your wife is "pulling" you MIL in ..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

jd08 said:


> And in case anyone was concerned about the dirty kitchen, I cleaned it up about an hour and then folded three loads of laundry, . I do my share of housework. I've just been incredibly stressed at work lately and at that point in time it was a perfect storm of frustration.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Understand.

Maybe you need to find a way to "unwind" the work stress and not let a messy kitchen and a sick baby be the tipping point?Its like the man coming home angry isn't exactly easing the home stress.Maybe your wife was stressed too?

I don't know the "answer" but unloading" like that isn't helping.Whether your wife calls her mom or not.Maybe she doesn't know what else to do?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

jd08 said:


> I get that. The problem comes in the responses. MIL is just piling on and not offering constructive advice. In a sense just getting my wife further caught up in the emotional **** storm and compounding my mistake in making the comments.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hmmm..could be but not necessarally..as one poster mentioned your mother in law saying "yes hes awful" could have a reverse affect when your wife "calms down" and in fact will defend you .As in well ..hes not THAT bad MOM!! LOL!!I know its weird but can be the case..


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I don't think she really defends me to her mom but I'm not privy to all their conversations. I think it's more like she reports to mom that she doesn't like how im acting, mom bashes me and tells my wife she's sorry, etc and then it dies down until the next time. Like soccermom said on page 2, MIL never finds out the "resolution" and therefore probably assumes there was no happy ending. 



dallasapple said:


> Hmmm..could be but not necessarally..as one poster mentioned your mother in law saying "yes hes awful" could have a reverse affect when your wife "calms down" and in fact will defend you .As in well ..hes not THAT bad MOM!! LOL!!I know its weird but can be the case..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Interesting story.(to me anyway) my NOW DIL (pregnant with my 2nd grandbaby) called ME to ***** about my son(for 4 years).she has no mother .Well her mother is a drug addict living in a hotel with her crack head step dad sucking off my DIL for help..ANYWAY my son who is far from perfect she would call me telling me the **** he had said and done..I was INFURIATED at him..I had talks with him I comforted her..I also pointed out when she was being a royal pain in the ass *****..My son eventually told me "why cant you just love me"..:LOL!! And my DIL had me getting an ulcer..There was a HUGE blow out involving me and now DIL..I told her SORRY I can NOT be ya'll's marriage counselor ANYMORE..I'm too close its going to KILL me.Unless there is physical abuse on anyone's part by anyone DO NOT call me..I don;t want to hear about division of labor I don't want to hear about who pays what bill I don't want to hear ANY **** at all unless its GOOD **** O.K???I'm tired and I'm not going to be pulled apart by ya'll..Love you both but I'm OUT..I'm a PERSON not a piece of meat to feed off of!Plus DIL's loyalty always went back to her mother somehow ...(who is a leech)

Its been a LOT more peaceful ..(in my life) since then..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

jd08 said:


> I don't think she really defends me to her mom but I'm not privy to all their conversations. I think it's more like she reports to mom that she doesn't like how im acting, mom bashes me and tells my wife she's sorry, etc and then it dies down until the next time. Like soccermom said on page 2, MIL never finds out the "resolution" and therefore probably assumes there was no happy ending.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


right if she only hears the bad ****..how its left in her mind(MIL's) that bad **** is flowing ...non stop ..Hey make your wife call her mom and tell her when you make her laugh..or do something sweet ..to even it out..


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

That was good advice you gave them and I think you did the smart thing. 

It makes me wonder how MIL would react if I went to her and said I was unhappy with whatever it was that her daughter was doing. Very interesting. 



dallasapple said:


> Interesting story.(to me anyway) my NOW DIL (pregnant with my 2nd grandbaby) called ME to ***** about my son.she has no mother .Well her mother is a drug addict living in a hotel with her crack head step dad sucking off my DIL for help..ANYWAY my son who is far from perfect she would call me telling me the **** he had said and done..I was INFURIATED at him..I had talks with him I comforted her..I also pointed out when she was being a royal pain in the ass *****..My son eventually told me "why cant you just love me"..:LOL!! And my DIL had me getting an ulcer..There was a HUGE blow out involving me and now DIL..I told her SORRY I can NOT be ya'll's marriage counselor ANYMORE..I'm too close its going to KILL me.Unless there is physical abuse on anyone's part by anyone DO NOT call me..I don;t want to hear about division of labor I don't want to hear about who pays what bill I don't want to hear ANY **** at all unless its GOOD **** O.K???I'm tired and I'm not going to be pulled apart by ya'll..Love you both but I'm OUT..I'm a PERSON not a piece of meat to feed off of!Plus DIL's loyalty always went back to her mother somehow ...(who is a leech)
> 
> Its been a LOT more peaceful ..(in my life) since then..


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> t makes me wonder how MIL would react if I went to her and said I was unhappy with whatever it was that her daughter was doing. Very interesting.


You never know..she might just get upset with her daughter.I did (with my son) but also I have gotten upset at my sons(the other ones) GF's.so its not a gender thing.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jd08 said:


> I think she's totally egging it on and, by default, weakening our marriage. I want to tell her to go jump in a lake.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe. I don't have enough exposure to this kind of thing to really say much, but it occurs to me that there *are* some people who aren't happy unless they're unhappy. In other words, they'll find companionship by sharing their miseries, but they don't actually see those things as actual problems... it is something of a way to connect. 

Your MIL's response didn't strike me as a "He's a jerk and you need to leave him" kind of egging on. It did strike me as an "I love you and I will defend you against the world if you want me to, but it's up to you." 

Now, if you ever end up on the verge of divorce, there's no mistake about who will take whose side, but I think if you just said, "Yeah, I shouldn't have said what I did" and let it go, they also would let it go.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Now, if you ever end up on the verge of divorce, there's no mistake about who will take whose side, but I think if you just said, "Yeah, I shouldn't have said what I did" and let it go, they also would let it go.


I agree..that's best.Then find a way not to repeat ..(NOT HABITUALLY) Because one thing for sure 
sorry " do it again "sorry do it again "sorry do it again "eventually sorry doesn't matter..(for all of us not just you OP)..

((((hugs))))


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Is your wife willing to go to marriage counseling with you? If at all possible, you should start some short-term counseling to learn how to fight FAIRLY.

If she WON'T go to counseling and you refuse to leave then I don't see a WHOLE LOT of choices. You're not kids; you're 30 years old!

I'm a passive-aggressive be-yotch with a WHOLE lot of sarcasm!

The next time there was ANYTHING to discuss, I would be sorely tempted to say, "You want to just call your *MOMMY* *now* so she can hear it all first-hand? Then you won't have to waste your breath giving her a blow-by-blow later! I'll wait now while you dial *MOMMY*......."

If she goes ahead and dials ANYWAY, just yell real loudly, "Hey, *MOMMY*, can you hear everything okay? Need any popcorn or a potty-run before the show starts?"

If your wife has ACKNOWLEDGED that she KNOWS it's wrong to run to Mommy, and cry to Mommy, and whine to Mommy about EVERY LITTLE THING, then it's on HER if she feels insulted/degraded when you call her out on her babyish behavior. Since she "knows", but plans to "do" nothing about it, let her take her lumps, I say!

You could also treat her as she treats you. Next time there's a fight, call someone (even if it's a recording of the weather). Tell them ALL ABOUT what a baby your wife is being, how she's unreasonable, etc. When you're done venting on the phone (whether anyone is on the other end or not) turn to wifey and say, "Wow! That *IS* really satisfying!" Then walk away. See how SHE feels being treated like that! Maybe it's the wake-up call she needs!

Being nice hasn't worked!


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I'm a passive-aggressive be-yotch with a WHOLE lot of sarcasm!
> 
> The next time there was ANYTHING to discuss, I would be sorely tempted to say, "You want to just call your *MOMMY* *now* so she can hear it all first-hand? Then you won't have to waste your breath giving her a blow-by-blow later! I'll wait now while you dial *MOMMY*......."
> 
> If she goes ahead and dials ANYWAY, just yell real loudly, "Hey, *MOMMY*, can you hear everything okay? Need any popcorn or a potty-run before the show starts?"


I don't see how that would help in repairing the marriage relationship - or prove to the MIL that he is a decent person.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

It wouldnt help but I want to say it! I don't feel like I need to prove anything to her though. Im comfortable with myself and if she doesnt like it well that's too bad. 



janefw said:


> I don't see how that would help in repairing the marriage relationship - or prove to the MIL that he is a decent person.


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## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

happysnappy said:


> My SO complaining to his parents about me constantly would be a deal breaker. It's wrong for several reasons. One. She committed to you for the rest of her life good and bad, not her mother. Two. Those who speak negatively about their spouse eventually lose sight of anything positive. Three, her negativity plus her mothers is just going to compound any small issue into something much larger and last but not least, it kills any chance for you to have a decent relationship with MIL. It's just really bad.
> 
> That said, what you said was really negative also. Maybe instead of making a small thing into an end all you can find a more constructive way to handle issues. It sounds like you have a lot if resentment that you need to work through yourself.


I can relate. I have the worst situation in my marriage. She already forgot apparently about committing to me. She hasn't grown out of her adolescense, even though life's dealings have thrown so many challenges. She's not equipped to handle it, so she relies on her mom - MIL from hell. So, bad it is unbearable an toxic. Just like the OP, she walks around w/her phone with up to the minute updates on every word or movement I make. I learned to ignore most, but it iritates me to no end.

The part about talking about me negatively is so TRUE. My wife has become the bitter shell that her mother is, and I've tried preaching positiveness. But too much negativity drowns this out. So much negativity that the kids look depressed. I remain silent for their sake, and not to escalate anything in front of them.
She always reverts. ANother poster here talks about "laughing it off and letting it roll of your shoulders - something like that - I did this for a period, but then they shifted there tactics telling me how aloof and arrogant I became. Now I'm back to the depressed 1/2 man I used to be. Damned if I do, damned if I don't


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