# Too soon???



## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

So my stbx and I are currently separated. Earlier this month he had a stroke. He's doing ok now that I know of, we don't really talk.

Well, I got a letter in the mail saying he changed his beneficiary designation for death gratuity to someone else other than his spouse (me). I was not even aware of this. The military sent me a letter because they were required to notify me of the changes.

Honestly it's not even about the money. It hurts all over again because it's like a slap in the face--- its that reality check that he's already moved on and the pain he's caused this past year resurfaces all over again.

But we're not even divorced yet. We haven't even started the process (I'm waiting to fulfill my residency requirement).

It would have been nice for him to discuss this with me. Or am I overreacting? Honest opinions please.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Nah that's just business.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> Nah that's just business.


I know you're right. I can see it that way. It just hurts and I still attach myself emotionally.

Guess I'll let it go, won't even waste my time discussing this with him.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

The grief is there to allow you to detach so embrace it. It's the cost of being able to love another human being.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

No, you're not overreacting. That was really sh!tty of him to do. Especially if you have kids. My H cheated on me and left me for another woman, and I haven't changed my company life insurance from him as primary beneficiary to my son, yet. That's partly because he has a big private policy, and he he put it into writing in our settlement that I'll remain primary beneficiary until our son is 22. When our company re-up time comes up in October, I do plan to change mine, though. We discussed it, and he suggested I do that.

I'm sorry he's being such a jerk about this.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

If he is starting to have strokes and such you may have saved yourself a lot of grief down the road. If his health goes downhill(maybe even as a result of guilt hammering him physically) you MAY have had to take care of a sick husband a long time.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> No, you're not overreacting. That was really sh!tty of him to do. Especially if you have kids. My H cheated on me and left me for another woman, and I haven't changed my company life insurance from him as primary beneficiary to my son, yet. That's partly because he has a big private policy, and he he put it into writing in our settlement that I'll remain primary beneficiary until our son is 22. When our company re-up time comes up in October, I do plan to change mine, though. We discussed it, and he suggested I do that.
> 
> I'm sorry he's being such a jerk about this.


I know right, I am deeply disgusted by this. I get it that he's just moving on and its no big deal (to him) but it's like- wow...thanks. 
Trust me, he is a jerk. lol I say it to myself all the time.
The crap he's pulled...oh if I could write a book. 

I wanted to say something to him about it but then I know it won't change anything. He's still going to be a jerk.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

bbgirl said:


> So my stbx and I are currently separated. Earlier this month he had a stroke. He's doing ok now that I know of, we don't really talk.
> 
> Well, I got a letter in the mail saying he changed his beneficiary designation for death gratuity to someone else other than his spouse (me). I was not even aware of this. The military sent me a letter because they were required to notify me of the changes.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry that you've gone through this :/ But it does make sense if he's moved on like it seems he has. I hope you find someone that will be good to you in the future.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> If he is starting to have strokes and such you may have saved yourself a lot of grief down the road. If his health goes downhill(maybe even as a result of guilt hammering him physically) you MAY have had to take care of a sick husband a long time.


I thought about this too. I believe everything happens for a reason and I'm still wondering what that reason is.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

BioFury said:


> I'm sorry that you've gone through this :/ But it does make sense if he's moved on like it seems he has. I hope you find someone that will be good to you in the future.


Thank you. It just really hurts. I know he's moved on and it shouldn't be a surprise to me but just reminders like this letter I received in the mail sucks.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Dude007 said:
Original post 
If he is starting to have strokes and such you may have saved yourself a lot of grief down the road. If his health goes downhill(maybe even as a result of guilt hammering him physically) you MAY have had to take care of a sick husband a long time.


I thought about this too. I believe everything happens for a reason and I'm still wondering what that reason is.

Yeah you probably got bailed out of a total mess. wheels on the karma bus go round and round


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

bbgirl said:


> So my stbx and I are currently separated. Earlier this month he had a stroke. He's doing ok now that I know of, we don't really talk.
> 
> Well, I got a letter in the mail saying he changed his beneficiary designation for death gratuity to someone else other than his spouse (me). I was not even aware of this. The military sent me a letter because they were required to notify me of the changes.
> 
> ...


He also can't do this while a divorce is going on or generally within two years prior to filing for divorce if the paperwork as yet to be filed. This is usually a topic that the lawyers debate.

Is he going to be responsible for alimony to you? Many times he must leave you as beneficiary until the alimony term is over. This turned into a mess with my parents divorce as my father was responsible for lifetime alimony but died after 2 years. He changed the beneficiary and it became a long drawn out fight in the courts.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

The stroke probably made him think of his mortality and he reacted. Maybe overreacted.
I am not divorced yet but plan to make a new will as soon as I get around to it. To be honest, if I died before the divorce, I sure don't want him betting any money I have. (No kids). I want to put my nephew and nieces in his place. I am still on his stuff, but that is just because he is very lazy and a procrastinator of the worst kind. I am sure he will change it one of these days.

Still, it is a another sad reminder of a marriage going bad, turning ugly, ending, etc
Our separation was friendly until I filed...then he turned hostile and threatening instantly. I hate to see him acting this way as we really did get along for over twenty years, until various illnesses just got the best of us and we made each other unhappy. 

Try not to take it personally and just look out for your kids and what they need and what he owes to them.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

honcho said:


> He also can't do this while a divorce is going on or generally within two years prior to filing for divorce if the paperwork as yet to be filed. This is usually a topic that the lawyers debate.
> 
> Is he going to be responsible for alimony to you? Many times he must leave you as beneficiary until the alimony term is over. This turned into a mess with my parents divorce as my father was responsible for lifetime alimony but died after 2 years. He changed the beneficiary and it became a long drawn out fight in the courts.


I will have to look more into this but according to the letter I received, my spouse is entitled to make the decision obviously w/out me and they can't disclose who the new beneficiary is. 

But according to my stbx (I did discuss this w/him tonight) he said he put the kids.


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## bbgirl (Jul 20, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> The stroke probably made him think of his mortality and he reacted. Maybe overreacted.
> I am not divorced yet but plan to make a new will as soon as I get around to it. To be honest, if I died before the divorce, I sure don't want him betting any money I have. (No kids). I want to put my nephew and nieces in his place. I am still on his stuff, but that is just because he is very lazy and a procrastinator of the worst kind. I am sure he will change it one of these days.
> 
> Still, it is a another sad reminder of a marriage going bad, turning ugly, ending, etc
> ...


It is a sad reminder. Just hurts all over again to see him removing me from his life.

It hurts most because I didn't do anything to jeopardize the marriage. He was the one who cheated and lied so it feels so unfair.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

bbgirl said:


> I will have to look more into this but according to the letter I received, my spouse is entitled to make the decision obviously w/out me and they can't disclose who the new beneficiary is.
> 
> But according to my stbx (I did discuss this w/him tonight) he said he put the kids.


A court will make him put you back as beneficiary and your lawyer will no what to do regarding that or he will be required to purchase another policy for you. It's dependent on the alimony situation and the lawyer games. This is not that unusual, people do this all the time. You really need to file as soon as your residence is established.


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