# I need help understanding why I'm such a bad husband



## Dude83 (Apr 15, 2013)

I get treated like I'm a horrible husband one day, then the greatest husband the next. I'm at my wits end. Granted, my wife is going through a hard time. She's starting to get flashbacks and memories of some trauma when she was a kid. She also has very bad anxiety and panic attacks. I've been understanding about it for almost 3 years now, but it's not getting any better and it's really wearing me out. I feel guilty talking about my problems, but damn it really sucks to live with sometimes. She won't go talk to anyone about it. She will barely take anxiety medicine. Only takes it at night and takes a 1/4 dose. I just want to ask her... why are you doing this to yourself??? Use the medicine and give yourself a break. Allow yourself to get some rest. But since these flashbacks and memories started coming to her a few months ago, things are getting worse. And she still refuses to get help for it. Keeps saying she's not ready and can't handle it (but has no idea what "it" is). All she wants to do is sleep. She doesn't give in, but literally, all she wants to do is lay in bed 24/7 to cope with it.

I keep trying to make things better and work out my problems though. Take today for instance. I didn't even ask her, but she said she was going to go with me to visit family and then help me go shopping afterwards. She came home early (her schedule is flexible) and was going to take an anxiety pill (which surprised me) and take a nap. Evidently she only got like 2 hours of sleep last night and was dead tired. I work from home so I was there, but still had some work to do. When I got done an hour later, she was sleeping hard. I gently woke her up and she didn't panic. That never happens. She always panics and freaks out when she gets woken up. Instead she grabbed me and pulled me in to cuddle. She was barely awake, but it was nice. I even mentioned about how that was the most pleasant wake-up she's had in a long time, lol, and she squeezed me harder.

So I told her she didn't have to go if she wanted to keep sleeping. At first she said she was going, but after a bit she started to drift back to sleep. I told her she didn't have to and she gave in and said she wanted to just keep sleeping. 

For some reason, I got upset. I guess I was just disappointed? I don't know. I was just looking forward to her going with me and I got mad. I don't know why, but I did. Usually, I would act on it somehow, but I didn't this time. I actively worked on it and told myself I have no reason to get mad and that she needed rest. I just let it be. Never made any comment, text, or anything. Just left, had a good time with family, and came back a few hours later. 

I still had to run to our FILs and pick something up after I got home and she said she wanted to go. While we were driving over there we were talking about our evenings and she said how good it was to stay home and do nothing but sleep. Having a pleasant conversation. Then I told her about how I got upset because she didn't go, and was about to tell her about why I didn't know why I was mad and just wanted to talk to her about it to help figure myself out so I can be aware of it next time. But I didn't get past the part of telling her I was upset that she didn't go before she interrupted me and started yelling about how she can't even have one night to do what she wants to do, how she has to do everything I want her to do, and some other stuff I didn't catch because she was yelling and crying already. I let her get it off her chest, and I was calm and said "if you would have let me finish I was going to tell you that I didn't have a right to get upset and was just going to talk to you about it and try to figure out why I got angry about it." Didn't matter by this point, she was worked up and was claiming I got mad at her because she did something she wanted to do and not what I wanted her to do. I tried to get her to calm down, but it didn't matter. When I finally got to explain it all in more detail, she didn't acknowledge any of it. She just said that it doesn't matter that I didn't act on it, said she was mad at me for the fact that I even got upset and she kept kept claiming that she has to do what I want her to do. 

First off, I never even asked her to go in the first place. She said she wanted to go up until she didn't and I was the one that told her she didn't have to go. So how is this about her not doing what I wanted her to do? Second, I was just disappointed for not getting to hang out with her. That's what tripped it off for me, but I don't know why I got angry. I'm under a lot of stress with work and our marriage, maybe that has something to do with it too. But none of that matters. She knows my thoughts better than I do and she thinks she has every reason to be mad at me for getting angry (even though I never acted on it). I told her she didn't need to scream, yell, make false claims, and be mean to me over it. Just like I couldn't control that I got angry earlier, she can't control herself when she felt angry, but that doesn't give her the right to act like a jerk to me about it. Especially when I didn't do anything to her in the first place. 

So she said she's never going to share her feelings with me and out of frustration I said I'd never do it either. After the screaming and attitude she started crying like she always does. Then she stayed in the car after I went in the house. I came into my office and it sounds like she went into the spare bedroom to sleep. Another night of fighting over jack **** and going to bed mad at each other.

But I'm tired of being the person that goes and resolves it. I like to resolve things right away, even if it means more fighting. But she'd rather withdraw and then talk it over a day or two later. It's so draining. And she won't take any responsibility for how she treated me during the fight. It'll just be a focus on my actions, I promise you that. 

I'm worn out and I'm fixing to start acting like the piece of **** husband that she acts like I am.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are stuck in a hard spot because your wife will not get the help she needs and/or do what she needs to do. 

What's happening to you is that her problem is manifesting what is basically a form of emotional abuse of you. 

IT's not cool at all that she refuses to handle her problems. she is the only person who can do that. You cannot fix/change her.

So you need to concentrait on the only person you can change, youself. You will need to pull back some emotionally from her. And you need to be in individual counseling to handle the damager she is doing to you. 

So what are you doing for yourself these days?

What are your boundaries in this marriage? What is it that you will not allow? How about something like "I will not tolerate being yelled at. If I am yelled at I will leave and either go to another room, go for a walk, etc."


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You are probably going to have to be the mature, calm person if this marriage is going to survive. Insisting she do it at this time is likely to fail.

Instead of trying to explain or defend yourself, try active listening instead. Are you familiar with it?

She will not be likely to hear reason anyway when she is emotional. Active listening should calm her enough that your reasoning will have a chance to be heard.

You are not obligated to stay with her, OP. Everyone has the legal right to leave if they want. 

But if you are going to stay, I would recommend you learn to listen actively and continue to take care of yourself.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Dude83 said:


> *I'm under a lot of stress with work and our marriage, *maybe that has something to do with it too. But none of that matters.
> 
> So she said she's never going to share her feelings with me and out of frustration I said I'd never do it either. After the screaming and attitude she started crying like she always does. Then she stayed in the car after I went in the house. I came into my office and it sounds like she went into the spare bedroom to sleep. Another night of fighting over jack **** and going to bed mad at each other.
> 
> ...


I empathized with your situation. BTDT. Been there, AM doing that. Have YOU considered taking an anti-anxiety? I too was stressed like you from work and home, dealing with a wife like yours. My doc prescribed Zoloft. I helped A LOT. Between that and the help from being here at TAM I learned that I was CONTRIBUTING to the problems at home and feeding into a destructive downward spiral with my wife. I think you recognize that may be the case with you and that is why you are here. IMO.

As for your wife, what med does she take and what is the subject of these flashbacks she is having? Was she abused?

ETA: It seems like cliche advice but it helps much. Go to the gym every day and work out. A great stress reliever for YOU. Or run, walk, bike, whatever works for you. Weight training does wonders.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Your situation has red flags all over it. My ex went through something similar and at first I responded just like you, trying to accommodate and understand. I did that for years. By the time my ex turned 40 she was in a full blown mid life crisis. We broke up eventually and it was the best thing that could have happened. However I do wish I pulled the plug on that relationship sooner. 

My wife now is also emotionally volatile and can be abusive. I agree that your W is treating you abusively. Just the back and forth and up and down, alone, is a form of abuse. With my W, I set boundaries around how I will be treated by her. And that saved my M. I was prepared to walk if things did not change and you may get there too.

You don't have to silently take horrible, disrespectful behavior from your W and I encourage you not to, as someone who has been there.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Yep, you're married.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need counselling and help to develop coping techniques yourself.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

What anxiety meds is she taking? Is it an SSRI or a benzo like ativan or xanax? If it's a benzo be glad she only takes it at night and a 1/4 dose. Those are not really for daily maintenance but for extreme anxiety causing instances. Benzo's are extremely addictive and you build a tolerance to them very rapidly. So what one pill did for you a week ago you now need three to get the same calming effect.

She needs to see a psychiatrist for meds and therapist for CBT.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Dude83 said:


> I get treated like I'm a horrible husband one day, then the greatest husband the next.


Dude, these rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) are one of the behavioral symptoms for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Moreover, several other behaviors you describe -- i.e., controlling behavior, verbal abuse, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" (blaming you for every problem) -- also are classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

I caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as temper tantrums and always being "The Victim."



> She's starting to get flashbacks and memories of some trauma when she was a kid.


In a recent survey of BPDers (i.e., those exhibiting strong and persistent BPD traits), 70% of them reported that they had been abused or abandoned by a parent in childhood. It is believed that, when such an intense trauma occurs in early childhood, it can result in the child's emotional development remaining frozen at the level of a 4 year old. 

The child is so frightened that she maintains a death grip on the primitive ego defenses that are available to young children -- refusing to let go of them so she can move on to the more mature defenses that adults use. The result is that BPDers remain fully reliant on those primitive ego defenses. These include projection, temper tantrums, magical thinking, black-white thinking, and denial.



> I told her she didn't need to scream, yell, make false claims, and be mean to me over it.


If she is a BPDer, she is so emotionally immature that she is unable to regulate her own emotions. A BPDer generally lacks the emotional skills needed to do self soothing and self calming, to avoid black-white thinking, to control impulses, or to intellectually challenge her intense feelings instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts."



> I tried to get her to calm down, but it didn't matter.


Like I noted above, she likely lacks the emotional skills needed to do self soothing if she exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits.



> I've been understanding about it for almost 3 years now.


How long have you two been married and how old are you? I ask because, if you've seen these childish and abusive behaviors only in the last 3 years of a 10-year marriage, you are NOT describing a persistent pattern of BPD traits. Rather, you are only describing a temporary flareup of BPD traits. 

Even with "normal" healthy people, BPD flareups can occur for a year or two. Indeed, the most common cause of strong BPD traits is not the lifetime emotional stunting that usually is associated with heredity and child abuse. Instead, the most common cause is strong hormone changes -- e.g., puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, and perimenopause.



> She also has very bad anxiety and panic attacks.


Perhaps her childish and abusive behaviors are largely explained by PTSD, a panic disorder, or an anxiety disorder. None of those issues, however, rule out her also exhibiting strong BPD traits. It is common for them to be co-occurring. About 80% of female BPDers also suffer from an anxiety disorder at some point in their lifetimes. And 47% of female BPDers suffer from post traumatic stress. See Table 3 at *2008 Study in JCP*.



> All she wants to do is lay in bed 24/7 to cope with it.


Not wanting to get out of bed is a classic symptom of depression. The study cited above found that 31% of female BPDers also have a lifetime incidence of MAD (Major Depressive Disorder). And 35% of them suffer from panic attacks.



> She won't take any responsibility for how she treated me during the fight.


If she exhibits strong BPD traits, that unwillingness to accept responsibility is to be expected. BPDers are filled with so much self loathing -- carried inside from childhood -- that the last thing they want to find is one more item to add to the long list of things they hate about themselves.

This is why a BPDer's subconscious works 24/7 to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes this by projecting nearly all hurtful thoughts and painful feelings on her partner. The result is that -- at a conscious level -- she truly believes that those bad thoughts and feelings are really originating from her partner.



> She won't go talk to anyone about it.


Again, if she is a BPDer, this refusal to seek therapy is to be expected. Granted, the low-functioning BPDers are in such great pain that it is common for them to seek therapy (if only because the police get them committed to a hospital's psych wing). The vast majority of BPDers, however, are high functioning folks who lack the self awareness to realize they really need the therapy. Moreover, even if a spouse insists that the BPDer attend therapy in order to remain married, the BPDer almost certainly will find that she is unable to trust the therapist.



> I keep trying to make things better and work out my problems though.


If she is only suffering from PTSD or anxiety, there are some validation techniques that you can learn that may help a little. If she exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits, however, you cannot "make things better" because you will be in a lose/lose situation no matter what you do. The reason is that a BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. 

This means that, as you back away from her to avoid triggering the engulfment fear, you necessarily are drawing closer to triggering her abandonment fear. Sadly, there is no midpoints position (between "too far" and "too close") where you can safely stand. I know only because I wasted 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply doesn't exist for BPDers.



> For some reason, I got upset.... I actively worked on it and told myself I have no reason to get mad and that she needed rest. I just let it be.


Every adult occasionally experiences irrational and unjustified feelings. This is simply the human condition. Hence, as an adult wishing to behave maturely, you should hold yourself responsible not for those feelings but, rather, for _how you choose to act on them_. In this incident you describe, _you choose well_.



> Just like I couldn't control that I got angry earlier, she can't control herself when she felt angry.


No, your inability to control a hurtful feeling is not "just like" her inability to control her actions. As I noted above, we are responsible not for how we feel but, rather, for how we choose to act on those feelings.



> She kept kept claiming that she has to do what I want her to do.


If she is a BPDer, she likely will be convinced you are controlling nearly every aspect of her life. Because a BPDer is so fearful of abandonment and engulfment, and because her inability to self-regulate makes her feel so unstable and out of control, she will have a great need to control everything that she can control in her personal life. She likely will be unaware of doing so, however. As I noted above, her subconscious will project all of her misdeeds, bad thoughts, and hurtful feelings onto her spouse.



> She said she wanted to go up until she didn't and I was the one that told her she didn't have to go. So how is this about her not doing what I wanted her to do?


Although her claim is illogical, such outrageous allegations are exactly what you should expect if she exhibits strong BPD traits. To a BPDer -- as to any young child -- an intense feeling constitutes a self-evident "fact." It is so intense that it absolutely MUST be true. As I noted above, BPDers and children lack the emotional skills needed to be able to intellectually challenge intense feelings before accepting them as accurate reflections of reality.



> She knows my thoughts better than I do and she thinks she has every reason to be mad at me for getting angry.


If she is a BPDer, yes, she likely is truly convinced that she knows your intentions and motivations even better than you do. At a conscious level, she is totally unaware that her subconscious mind is projecting those thoughts and feelings onto you. This is why BPD is said to be a "thought distortion." The BPDer has a distorted perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations.



> I'm at my wits end.


If you really have been living with a BPDer for 3 years, consider yourself fortunate that you are only feeling "at my wits end." It is common for the abused partners of BPDers to feel like they may be going crazy. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths. 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the _one most notorious _for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning. 



> I need help understanding why I'm such a bad husband.


I agree with @*MattMatt* that it would be prudent to seek counseling for yourself. I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with (e.g., BPD, PTSD, or GAD). I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

An easy place to start reading is my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of these red flags at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Dude.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I'm with @Uptown on this one. Something is emotionally wrong with your wife.

I have lived with two bipolar people in my life. My daughter and her dad. 

Your wife's behavior is very similar to my daughter's behavior before her 4 years of extensive therapy and meds. 

Does your wife ever apologize for her behavior? 

Does she ever accept that she may have over reacted?

Or does she believe that if you hadn't done this or said that, she would not of reacted in such a way?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

It's probably somewhat difficult to be a good husband to a horrible wife.


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