# Still angry and feeling abused



## gogetting (Mar 24, 2016)

in 1998 I fell in love with a boy who really swept me off' my feet and treated me like I was the most amazing woman on earth. We fell deeply in love and I fell even harder for the idea that I had found my soulmate. I was the grownup in the relationship, came in with money and paid off his debt and downpayment on a condo and spent a long time trying to get him to take co-responsibility for our finances, which finally happened 3 years into the relationship after we'd been sucked into debt because of his irresponsible spending.
He had high ideas about himself and kept telling stories of how great he was at soccer, at basketball, at guitar playing, at golf, at math, at computer stuff and whatever came up; he was always the best at it but didn't pursue it because of something. He had insanely high ideas about himself and was driven by this urge to become rich, starting companies left and right and convincing 'investors' to put money into projects that never became anything more than means for him to call himself boss and collect salary based on his own ability to scam others. Mind you that most of the time we were pumping money into these ventures: financed by my savings and salary. 
He was really fun and easygoing, invited friends over all the time and I was the happy hostess providing beer and snacks for all these 'friends' that were willing to laugh and have a good time while wasted. Mind you that he participated in cleaning our house or doing laundry, that was my job and when I finally refused to do it alone we resulted in getting a weekly maid (paid by yours truly). 
I had a great carrier with a good income, usually getting paid more than him, but 10 years into our relationship it became very obvious that he was jealous of my success and started making insulting remarks when people complimented me on my success.
I worked while he finished his Bachelors and worked full time while completing my own degree, and at the time started a risky business and took a second mortgage on our new house -the very house I spent every waking moment painting and building while he travelled for work on an imaginary high salary that was never paid. 
During that time we had 2 children together which I took care of and moved thousands of miles away from our family (and overbearing mother in law) so he could further his carrier. 
13 years into the marriage I got diagnosed with early stage cancer, which he ignored and treated like a minor cold, telling everybody that I was just lazy. When I didn't get better and was diagnosed with advanced cancer a little over a year later he took the few weeks off that our insurance allowed him while I never heard the end of what harm I was doing to his carrier by forcing him to take a leave to run the household during the intense surgery, radiation and chemotherapy treatment. My battle with cancer was beyond horrible and he did his best to ignore the situation while complaining about the fact that I couldn't have sex so during my 'recovery' he travelled as much as he could for business, spending at least half the time in top hotels while I took care of the kids and myself to the best of my ability. Unfortunately the cancer got worse and I got the verdict from my Oncologist that the cancer was terminal, which I tackled alone and he moved out of the bedroom. Around this time I became extremely angry at him and felt that 'the love of my life' had abandoned and betrayed me, which gave him a justifiable reason to apply for divorce and kick me out of our home and into a hospice.
I spent a couple of months in the hospice while completing next round of treatment which worked wonders and eliminated the cancer, while leaving permanent damage on my body. 
The divorce was horrible, he had been seeing other women without telling me and took the opportunity to cut me out of all finances. I moved back to my sister's and am now on permanent disability while he has done everything humanly possible to limit my access to our children, claiming that I am too ill to serve as their mother.
Just writing this makes my blood boil and I feel extremely taken advantage off. He has treated me like dirt and the sicker I got the more horrible he treated me and spoke to me. After I got well enough to take care of our children again he put up a MAJOR fight so I wouldn't get custody - with the sole purpose of preventing me from seeking any type of child support. He really did not care about the fact that the kids are with both of us half the time, all that mattered to him was that legally I couldn't ask him for any money. I made a deal with him declaring that I would not seek any support from him, and after I did that my kids can spend as much time at my place as I and they want. Before I signed that I wasn't going to ask for child support he tried to use my pain medication against me, claiming that I was on illegal drugs and telling horrible lies that he really knows aren't true. He keeps making 'deals' with me that he never keeps regarding activities for our children and even had the audacity to call and ask me to deliver the kid's clothes for a trip he was taking - really expecting me to buy clothes for the kids that he is supposed to provide as his half of the expenses. He really thinks that I should buy all the clothes out of my meager disability while he has bought nothing for them to wear over the last year.
Just thinking about his behavior makes my heart race and tears swell, but I know better than try to discuss any problems with him, knowing that he won't do anything asked of him unless other people witness his responsibilities. 
Today I try to have witnesses and social workers involved in any decisions that we have to take together, if not he doesn't come through and ignores anything that's asked of him.
My only problem is that I feel so betrayed and stuck in a horrible situation, having spent all of my savings on that a$$hole with little chance of making that money again and left without the physical ability of a normal relationship again. I have serious trust issues re. men and this sorry excuse of a narcissist has left me constantly on guard, knowing that he'll take any opportunity to kick me while down. Thankfully I know how to nurture my own happiness, but I must admit that it really takes all that I've got not to let him break me.


----------



## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I'm confused as to how you lost your money. 

Welcome to TAM!


Signature: Nobody can hurt me without my permission.


----------



## gogetting (Mar 24, 2016)

Thank you, I guess my case is to extreme and unusual for anyone to have advice, I'm simply learning by doing every day and trying to distance myself from that negative force. Just today he returned my kids an hour late to an important extended family gathering and the only person I could blame was myself for being stupid enough to think he'd be on time when I needed it.

Bad investments that were divided equally when we divorced (because that's fairness) and the cost of going through years of cancer treatment without any salary has left me without savings. The funny thing is though that I have more to spend on myself now than I ever did when we were married. No use crying over spilled milk but the betrayal and knee-jerk distrust is really hard to get over.


----------

