# Day 6 of Trial Separation



## jlt85 (Jan 31, 2014)

I am even more lost now than I was when he said he didn't love me anymore. 

After I sat down one night and told him I was worried about him and how down he is all of the time. About the way he had been acting towards our children 1 and 5....ignores them and me. If they do anything they are yelled and cussed at. He doesn't do anything with them or me. He proceeded instead of listening to blow up and tell me he doesn't love me anymore. That he was being a ****ty father because he is constantly preoccupied with the status of our marriage.....I knew we had lost a lot of connection but we were still sleeping together. I told him while in tears that I didn't believe him. Because 5 years ago when our daughter was our son's age he did this same thing, only last time he was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. It felt exacty like last time. He went from yelling and screaming to talking about continuing counseling and working on our marriage. 

He started sleeping in another room, and didn't hug or kiss me, or call me or text me. Started staying at his dads for the weekend to help out on his land. When he would come home I would be positive and nice, keep the kids busy and let him do his thing. He seemed to be in a better mood for about a week, but then one night I came home from an exercise class and my son was in bed (7:30 pm crying in his bed while my husband had his headset on playing video games) my daughter was in her room watching tv destroying her room. He ignored me I got them in bed and went to bed. the next week with him gone all weekend again, I decided to go on a limb and get into the bed where he was sleeping before work one morning while our kids were asleep. We had a really good conversation, and he said he didn't want it to end bc moments like this were one in a thousand. As soon as our kids woke up he was a jerk, I told him to be positive. That night he came home and got the kids and took them to dinner with his sister acted like I didn't exist. The next night as I was going to bed in my own room, he tried to make out with me which I was receptive then he stops and says "we can't have sex bc it would be emotional for you and me just getting my needs met" I was in shock. So I didn't say anything and went to bed upset. 

The next day my schedule change was approved and I told him we could start the trial separation. He went out that night to party and drink ( didn't get too bc his friends are fakes). Came back the next day spent 4 hours here showering and packing his stuff. Took the kids to his dads. I was as positive as possible, helped him pack. The next day he came back early spent 3 hours there just hanging out like it was still his house cooking lunch for him and the kids.....then I tell him about my sisters friend who knew what was going on asked me to go out dancing with him to get me out of the house. he laughed, said it doesn't take long does it....later made another reference to what I had told him, and laughed again I told him it wasn't funny that he doesn't have to make fun of me for that guy liking me. he hugged me and said "I missed you a little" I couldn't help but laugh bc I felt like it was something he said just to protect his property....like keep me hanging on. I later apologized when the kids were taking naps and as he was leaving we had a nice conversation about things, I asked him if he missed me or just our family. he said it was hard to gauge because I have been "super civil"... I told him I was working on getting back to the person I used to be, and concentrating on my happiness. That it has been kinda nice not worrying so much about him being happy all the time to the point of it stressing me out. He kissed me and said I never had to worry about him being happy. He kissed me goodbye and left. Then the next night when he came to get my son so I could take our daughter to scouts, he was a jerk again. like ignored me....we had counseling the next night and it seemed to go good, but after we left he said he didn't think we needed to keep going that listening to him talk to us for an hour doesn't really help. this hurts bc I feel like he is giving up on us. he is so high and then low. I never know how he is going to act. we had a phone argument after counseling i asked him what his goal was, I told him mine was to fix and work on our marriage, and save it.....and he said his "goal" is he just wants some sort of relationship with me that is "civil" whether its friends, acquaintances, spouses or just co-parents.....this hurt. he said "I tell you I miss you and you laugh that sucked!" I said "so did being told you didn't love me anymore....at least I apologized. you say I never apologize" he got mad and kept saying "call me when you have the kids" he later apologized for yelling at me and fighting with me......I told him I fee led on. That one minute he seems to want me and then next I don't exist.....that I don't know what to do with that. He said he was sorry....but that's it. Now we haven't talked about it since I saw him tonight and he asked me why I was upset with him. I said i'm sorry I can't help it......he said its ok and left.....wtf do I do!!!!!

Does he want to reconcile??? How do I take this one day at a time without breaking down?


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Be very cool with him. Only talk about the kids.
Do you love him? Does he have good qualities? What are they?


----------



## jlt85 (Jan 31, 2014)

When I do that, he seems genuinely more happy. And that's when he acts like he wants me.....but the problem is, he seems to think that if we stay separated that I will always be that way, and its basically like he gets everything he wants. He gets me loving him and being nice, and he gets to see his kids when he wants and his freedom as well. He does have good qualities. 

He is a good provider, he was and excellent father until the last several months. Once our daughter was past the toddler stage he was amazing. He loves his kids more than anything. He is physically home every night. He isn't violent, or crazy. He used to make me feel so special. But it has been a long time. I see glimpses of the man he used to be sometimes here and there since our separation. 

I guess my fear is that he will think that we are better apart than together. And I will eventually move on and get over him just to have him have an epiphany that he was suffering from depression. And he would have torn our family apart for nothing.


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Your post was difficult to read and confusing, but I think I have the gist of it.

My opinion about trial separation: its the first step to the end. If you want to fix a marriage, you don't walk away from it. 

Now assuming your husband isn't clinically depressed, he sounds like a jerk. He also sounds like a crappy father from your initial description of him. Right now he is "cake eating" by living on his own, doing his thing, but still coming and going into your life whenever he feels like it.

You need to put your foot down and draw the line. Tell him, "You want to live separately? Sure, be my guest. But you can't just come and go into my life whenever you darn well please. I want to lead my own life so please stop bothering me. You chose this, so deal with it. If and when you decide you are through with this separation, then contact me, and I'll tell you whether or not I want you back in my life."

It sounded like you have done well without him. Like you said, you don't preoccupy yourself worrying about his happiness. So continue with your own life and forget about his.

And one word of advice, DO NOT, go on dates or hang out with other males at this point in time, unless you want to complicate your life even more.


----------



## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Alpha said:


> My opinion about trial separation: its the first step to the end. If you want to fix a marriage, you don't walk away from it.


I can testify to that. You're either in or out!


----------

