# Is it cheating when you pay escorts for phone and text sex ??



## Jpl2770 (Dec 5, 2021)

Just found my husband's phone bill yesterday with hundreds of messages to escorts . Never had a clue this would be happening. He says it's never been physical. How do I believe him ? We have 3 young kids. Is this cheating?? I feel it is . Just crushed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes it is cheating. I am so sorry. 
He seems to think it's ok if he never met them in person. It's not. Of course he may be lying about that. Did he say he will stop?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Jpl2770 said:


> Just found my husband's phone bill yesterday with hundreds of messages to escorts . Never had a clue this would be happening. He says it's never been physical. How do I believe him ? We have 3 young kids. Is this cheating?? I feel it is . Just crushed.


A surprisingly number of escorts will tell you that many of their clients don't have sex with them, so it is possible that he may not be having sex with them.
They say that the clients often use them as a sympathetic ear, because their wives are not giving them any attention at home.
Yes, but test for any STD's and do the detective work to find out what he is up to.
I'm not excusing him, but that is what many escorts, when interviewed, have said.









A Female Escort Reveals All The Disturbing Secrets Of The Male Psyche


And they would know...




www.yourtango.com


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yes, it is cheating. It doesn't matter if he is talking about sex or donuts. He is _paying_ someone other than you to give him attention. Does he realize how pathetic that sounds? How much money has he spent on these escorts? That is called dissipation of marital assets and financial infidelity.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Yes, it is cheating, because he kept it secret from you. He knew how you'd feel, and so he kept it secret.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Jpl2770 said:


> Just found my husband's phone bill yesterday with hundreds of messages to escorts . Never had a clue this would be happening. He says it's never been physical. How do I believe him ? We have 3 young kids. Is this cheating?? I feel it is . Just crushed.


Yes, it is cheating. Anytime a person devotes sexual energy away from the one they swore to be faithful to, it is cheating IMO. I personally wouldn't believe it has NEVER been physical, why else would he be calling "escorts"? 

It sounds like you are both young, he should be 100% focused on the mother of his children. Sad for your situation.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Gotta wonder how many women are secretly envisioning images of Jason Momoa at the beach, so they can get through sex with their dad bod husbands with their half hard tiny peckers....lol.. That stuff isn't that much different than this, when it all comes down to it..... Anyway...

Sure....it's cheating....I think what's probably more serious is that he was so stupid enough to pay for that nonsense... These women just pick guys pockets...

This could be an indication of a larger problem, which if you want your marriage to last, it would be wise to get to the bottom of....Perhaps he doesn't find you sexually attractive or lost attraction somehow and needs to seek that on the street..?...A lot of guys fall out of sexual attraction with women that have had their kids...There is a clinical name for this situation, I don't remember what it was, but its not that rare...

Good luck to you...


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

hamadryad said:


> A lot of guys fall out of sexual attraction with women that have had their kids...There is a clinical name for this situation, I don't remember what it was, but its not that rare...


Obesity.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Most sentences that start "is it cheating if," I already can predict the answer. YES. Yes, it's cheating in this case too. Especially since he hid it from you. If he tries to play it off like why would you think this is cheating ask him why he never did it in front of you or told you he was doing this? He purposely kept this from you because he knew you wouldn't be ok with it. Dig a bit. Do you have access to his computer or phone history? Does it show where he has been?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Jpl2770 said:


> Just found my husband's phone bill yesterday with hundreds of messages to escorts . Never had a clue this would be happening. He says it's never been physical. How do I believe him ? We have 3 young kids. Is this cheating?? I feel it is . Just crushed.


Despite what anyone else says, only you can decide on whether it is cheating for you. That designation has a wide variety of definition for people as to what situations actually apply. For some people, even just talking to a person of the appropriate sex outside of business needs is cheating, whereas others do not see it that way, even for their SO to be doing so.

And with that wide variety of definition, it is important that your mate understand what you consider cheating, as well you making sure you know what they consider cheating. If you consider flirting cheating but his level is physical interaction (kissing and beyond), then while he has violated your limit, he's nowhere near his. But if you have not made it clear that flirting is cheating, he is not aware that he is in violation.

You need to make it clear going forward what is and isn't cheating. And what the consequences will be even up to leaving him.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Jpl2770 said:


> Just found my husband's phone bill yesterday with hundreds of messages to escorts . Never had a clue this would be happening. He says it's never been physical. How do I believe him ? We have 3 young kids. Is this cheating?? I feel it is . Just crushed.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some men believe cheating is only a specific physical act. Yours is apparently one who does.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> A surprisingly number of escorts will tell you that many of their clients don't have sex with them, so it is possible that he may not be having sex with them.
> They say that the clients often use them as a sympathetic ear, because their wives are not giving them any attention at home.
> Yes, but test for any STD's and do the detective work to find out what he is up to.
> I'm not excusing him, but that is what many escorts, when interviewed, have said.
> ...


That happens I am sure but it's probably more likely they have sex.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

maquiscat said:


> Despite what anyone else says, only you can decide on whether it is cheating for you. That designation has a wide variety of definition for people as to what situations actually apply. For some people, even just talking to a person of the appropriate sex outside of business needs is cheating, whereas others do not see it that way, even for their SO to be doing so.
> 
> And with that wide variety of definition, it is important that your mate understand what you consider cheating, as well you making sure you know what they consider cheating. If you consider flirting cheating but his level is physical interaction (kissing and beyond), then while he has violated your limit, he's nowhere near his. But if you have not made it clear that flirting is cheating, he is not aware that he is in violation.
> 
> You need to make it clear going forward what is and isn't cheating. And what the consequences will be even up to leaving him.


I doubt if anyone thinks that merely talking to a member of the opposite sex is cheating.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jpl2770 said:


> _*Just found my husband's phone bill yesterday with hundreds of messages to escorts . Never had a clue this would be happening. He says it's never been physical. How do I believe him ? We have 3 young kids. Is this cheating?? I feel it is . Just crushed.*_


And *where* are these escorts located?

If they live in a colony on Jupiter than yes, I'd believe him that it's "never been physical."

Otherwise, all bets are off.

Escorts don't waste their time talking dirty with customers - they work in the flesh trade.

Do a little more digging and you'll likely find these calls to escorts were to find out their availability or to make an appt. for their services.

Cheaters rarely -* if EVER* - tell you the *truth* when you catch them up to no good. Everyone knows that. You'll see. Keep digging. You likely won't be pleased with what you find.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I doubt if anyone thinks that merely talking to a member of the opposite sex is cheating.


You are mistaken. There are circumstances under which some people think it is. And to me, secrecy is a big indicator of a problem.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jpl2770 said:


> Just found my husband's phone bill yesterday with hundreds of messages to escorts . Never had a clue this would be happening. He says it's never been physical. How do I believe him ? We have 3 young kids. Is this cheating?? I feel it is . Just crushed.


And how much as he spent on these calls to escorts?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Anyone with 2 brain cells to rub together* knows *their spouse will not be happy to know the spouse is sneaking off and spending marital funds to talk to a sex escort. That is why they do it in *secret*.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Yes it is cheating both from a sexual aspect but also from a fiscal aspect. These women don't chat for free. They don't do other things for free either.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Laurentium said:


> You are mistaken. There are circumstances under which some people think it is. And to me, secrecy is a big indicator of a problem.


I am talking about chatting to people day to day. Shop keepers, bus drivers, people at church, in clubs and sports etc. Unless you are a very strict Muslim it's normal to chat to other people.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

if he never asked permission to do this (one on one camming with escorts), then yes it is cheating. Just anonymously watching cam girls perform on video...that i would not consider cheating at all.
and if he spent a significant amount of MONEY talking/camming with these "escorts"...then that is a form of financial cheating too. i would personally consider anything more than $300 a year on porn services to be a lot, and something he should have gotten permission for.

it kind of the whole porn thing...some people enjoy porn and use it sparingly or as a couple's thing to enhance the marital sex.
but some people are weak, they use porn as a crutch because they are not getting the sex in their marriage that they really want, and are too chickenshit to fix the marriage.

i would guess your husband started off watching porn, then it got kinkier, then he got directed to some cam site, then after he found he really liked that he ended up buying tokens, or whatever they pay the porn actresses with, and started one on one cam sessions.

Did it get physical? Likely not if it was online services like OnlyFans, or Porn hub. If it was a local escort service in your own town, then they do not do online porn, it likely WAS physical.

It would matter to me WHAT TYPE of porn he was camming these actresses with. if it was just watching them masturbate, that is one level. If it was gay gangbang porn where he was role playing a twink....well that is a whole another level of deviant craziness to sort out.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

so, what to do about his porn addiction?
if he only did this online, i suggest you figure out a standard way to treat his addiction. he has to admit it is an addiction (like if he were joining an AA group on drinking problems), then quit it cold turkey.

You really should point out that ANY TYPE of sexual acts he wants to do with you are on the table, and that instead of porn, he needs to do these sex acts with you in bed. He may be very embarrassed to tell you his sexual predilections. try to not be judgmental as he reveals what sex acts he craves.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Jpl2770 said:


> Just found my husband's phone bill yesterday with hundreds of messages to escorts . Never had a clue this would be happening. He says it's never been physical. How do I believe him ? We have 3 young kids. Is this cheating?? I feel it is . Just crushed.


I am really glad that the discussion is becoming more nuanced.

My 2 cents as to if it is cheating, is probably, but it depends on what the two of you have agreed to.

First, if he has been running up non-trivial expenses on those chats with "escorts," without your permission he is depleting funds available to support you and your children. 

Have the two of you ever had a discussion on "what is cheating?" Have the two of you ever defined where the limits of flirting cross the line? Have you ever defined what "sex" is? Let's look at Bill Clinton, who did not have "sex" with that woman. He and his wife seemed to have a rather unusual definition of what cheating and sex were. Your definition is probably far more typical, but have you ever explicitly discussed it? My view is that far too many couples have these secret covert contracts that their partner has no idea exists and when they violate one of the secret agreements they are threatened with divorce. 

Personally, from my perspective, if he didn't tell you, if he hid the expenses, if he is ashamed of what he did, then he probably did cheat. However, you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself if there may have been any thing you did that contributed to his behavior? I have been in a sex starved marriage and understand that people can be tempted. His phone sex may have been what his twisted mind considered the "best" option for his assumed neglect or need for female companionship. Have you really talked to him to find out why he did what he did? Have you discussed with him how much he loves you and the children you created?

The real issue is what do you want to do? You have every right to be upset. You may even want to divorce him. However, the question is what do you want to do? 

Since there are children involved, you might want to use a marriage counselor to help the two of you figure out what you want to do and why it happened. While you are at it make sure you explain to him (and to yourself) what your personal boundaries are? 

Would you have been less upset if he had heart to heart intimate talks with a female co-worker who did not charge him money? Probably that would be worse as to most it would be an emotional affair. Your marriage is in crisis and you get to choose how you move forward.

What are the faithfulness boundaries you expect from your husband? Clearly, he either didn't know them, or care about them. 

Good luck.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

With cheating, it’s less about the sex (it’s still about the sex, but it’s less) than it is about the lying and deception. So yes, this is cheating. And he knows it’s cheating, don’t let him gaslight you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Yes, it's cheating and it's an irresponsible use of your finances unless you're filthy rich. It's highly unlikely that's all he's doing since just about any escort you call ends up on the phone with a sex trafficking scheduler who can have a prostitute at any location within 20 minutes. That's how it's done these days.


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## Extraextra (Nov 1, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> Gotta wonder how many women are secretly envisioning images of Jason Momoa at the beach, so they can get through sex with their dad bod husbands with their half hard tiny peckers....lol.. That stuff isn't that much different than this, when it all comes down to it..... Anyway...
> 
> Sure....it's cheating....I think what's probably more serious is that he was so stupid enough to pay for that nonsense... These women just pick guys pockets...
> 
> ...


It’s called Madonna /***** syndrome and stems from when men are incapable of seeing women as whole human beings and instead can only see them as either ‘pure motherly types ‘ or the ‘ ***** ‘
It’s a sad result of mysogyny and a sign the man need help. 
btw dad bods are celebrated throughout the media constantly . With lots of articles about how great dad nods are , even just read one recently saying lost women ‘prefer ‘ a dad bod . Never once seen celebration of ‘mum bods ‘ .


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## Extraextra (Nov 1, 2021)

Op it’s cheating , whether he actually had sex with them or not is irrelevant .
I’m sorry this has happened to you . If he believes it’s not cheating then he would surely not care about his entire family knowing about it right ? Which I’m pretty sure he would.
Is there someone you can talk to about it


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s cheating and having sex with them. Probably all your fault OP for not giving him enough sex or not listening to him enough.
Second sentence is a bad joke. Sorry you’re here. Top of the iceberg you saw


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I am talking about chatting to people day to day. Shop keepers, bus drivers, people at church, in clubs and sports etc. Unless you are a very strict Muslim it's normal to chat to other people.


Normal to chat?... sure....

But many people in regular convos will deliberately flirt, make suggestive comments, etc...Maybe not in your circle of strict religious folks, but a lot of people do this...In fact, one thing that kinda surprised me was once I hit the age of say...40 or so, many women my age I speak to often get a bit too sassy....I'm not bothered by it, but it was kind of eye opening...They may see it as joking, but I bet a lot of people would see that as crossing a line....I can only imagine how bad it is for a lot of women out there....

Anyway....

This topic is always kinda puzzling, because there is a lot of grey area....I'd contend that the majority of men view images/videos of sexy women...I thought I saw a statistic that suggested it was around 90%...That's an enormous number...And this is nothing new....Practically all of the men in my family had porn stashes back in the old days,...mags, VHS, etc...We used to raid these stashes when we were kids, so it wasn't like it was hard to find...every guy had it..

If all of this is cheating, then why are any of these people even in relationships? If it's really 90%, then there are going to be a lot of busy lawyers out there...

I'm not defending it, just wonder where the line is when it comes to this stuff.??..I guess it all depends on the person....And is it the same when women dream of hunky romance novel guys, the Bachelor, or any of that other stuff?
Does it have to get physical to count? Is it ok if they are just images and there is no contact, even verbal??


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

hamadryad said:


> Normal to chat?... sure....
> 
> But many people in regular convos will deliberately flirt, make suggestive comments, etc...Maybe not in your circle of strict religious folks, but a lot of people do this...In fact, one thing that kinda surprised me was once I hit the age of say...40 or so, many women my age I speak to often get a bit too sassy....I'm not bothered by it, but it was kind of eye opening...They may see it as joking, but I bet a lot of people would see that as crossing a line....I can only imagine how bad it is for a lot of women out there....
> 
> ...


I am so not with 'strict religious folks'. I don't live in an Amish community!!. Some people I know are just normal Christians some are not Christians. Many of my family are not. You can actually chat to people without flirting and making suggestive comments. People do it every day believe it or not. 

Yeh my dad had a porn stash, lost a lot or respect for him when I found that. Just because lots of people do something doesn't make it ok. 
On this occasion its a step up from porn use. He is contacting prostitutes. Whether he has met them or not its still very much cheating. He is focusing his sexual energy onto women outside the marriage.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I doubt if anyone thinks that merely talking to a member of the opposite sex is cheating.


I wish I could say that was true. Thankfully rare, but I have run into such people, both men and women in my life. Mostly abusive types, but not always.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*MODERATOR WARNING:- No more threadjacks, please. *


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