# I am torn because of the children



## pot (Nov 29, 2011)

Long story short...

I met my husband when I was very young and he is much older than me (he lied about his age and I only found out after marrying him, on my own). I was totally devastated, but I tried to make things work.

12 years later... we have 2 children in pre-teens. Last year, he screamed at my dad who came to help us rebuild the house and it was the last straw on the camel's back...of course, there were many things between...

I have tried to hold everything together for the kids to protect them, but I realised that they have already felt the tension for a long time...my child spoke many times to me...and ask why why why we are always fighting...

Emotionally I am at my end...we have tried therapy, but he is not coming any more because he thinks it's useless...I am still going because I need to sort things out for me...

I have suggested separation and want things in a good way between us so the kids don't suffer, but he is always blaming me, saying I am the one breaking up the family...he believes that the children need us together which I agree, but not when we are together under the same roof...he seems to speak badly of me with kids and I know it because my kids approach me with questions....everything is hurting so badly now...

I am not a good mum anymore because I am so unhappy...I cannot see a future between my husband and me...any one with similar experience to shed some light?


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

My situation is much different and there are many different routes other than traditional therapy which is usually not very succesful. Divorce Busting principles can have a good effect. You have to think long term. Work on yourself. Charge neutral meaning whenever he gets angry don't react in the same manner. Step back take time to figure out where you really wanna be. View your whole life as if you are watching a movie the third person and evaluate what changes you can make. Do not change for him, change for you, to make a better you. Bybdoing so no matter the outcome you will have a better life. You can start this life improvement dance on your own. If he chooses to follow well then you will have two to tango in the meantime you will be shifting the dynamic of your relationship. Good luck. Another great site I was turned to positivegraphics.com
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pot (Nov 29, 2011)

thanks for your tip...

have decided to go on a slow-change, moving from phase to phase so it's not a shock for the kids...

I really used to think that kids are happiest when parents are together, no matter what...

Now, I have come to believe that if parents are not happy together, the effect will trickle down...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

pot said:


> thanks for your tip...
> 
> have decided to go on a slow-change, moving from phase to phase so it's not a shock for the kids...
> 
> ...


Not sure what all of your "stuff in between" was - but after 2.5 years of drama and fighting - my children seemed to welcome the idea of divorce. 

We are still working through things - and I'm sure there will be some changes that will hurt them that they haven't really thought about yet. But the constant fighting and the day to day tension has already improved for all of us.

One of my kids told my Mother In Law that Daddy is much happier when Mommy isn't around. I'm guessing your kids would say the same thing about you.

Kids are smarter and tougher than you think.


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## pot (Nov 29, 2011)

yes...that's one of side effects...kids say...it's more fun when it's only with mummy or with daddy...

But they seem more settled this way...because they feel secure...

For a very long time, I never consider divorce or separation because of my upbringing...but I realise, the situation is damaging to my children and I need to protect them from this...

I feel at peace with myselfnow....after some sessions and soon a talk with the lawyer...even though I know it will be difficult the road ahead...


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