# Weird Question -- dating men with kids



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I have been dating. Nothing serious and definitely don't take anyone around my children. I have seen this guy about.......5 or 6 times. Everything seemed to be adding up, nothing really off putting or crazy. We met at a diner for some coffee and were talking about schedules. 

I have classes and my kids during the week and every other weekend. 

He works nights and has his children Saturday night through Sunday night. 

I mentioned living so close to their dad is nice, we can just kinda make it up as we go. If he wants to see the boys on a night for dinner it usually is not a problem. He mentioned he was happy that his kids lived an hour away, so the mom (who is remarried) can't ask him to watch them at the last minute. 

In my mind......this is just weird. I am not saying that anyone living a distance apart from their children is a "bad parent", the way he said it makes me think he really doesn't want to be around his kids all that much. He complains about child support, but honestly he has them 4 days a month. I think it is pretty obvious it is warranted. 

It just struck a weird vibe for me. Am I just being crazy or is that weird?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

You're not crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Would be a huge red flag for me. Parents don't "watch" their children, they are supposed to parent them.

Sorry but for me personally, a guy like that would be good for sex only and not serious relationship material.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

That's a hard one to decipher...he may have made the statement as a way of disparaging his ex and not wanting her to be able to take advantage of him with unplanned child care. That's just playing devils advocate.

Honestly it sounds like he just want's to be an occasional dad, have the kids a few times a month and let mom (ex) deal with the day to day parenting. Certainly not a great parenting philosophy to brag about, especially to you, a woman who is the primary care giver of her children and seems to encourage the kids to have a good relationship with their dad. 

Doesn't sound like a keeper.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Cooper said:


> That's a hard one to decipher...he may have made the statement as a way of disparaging his ex and not wanting her to be able to take advantage of him with unplanned child care.


OP, I agree with Cooper this part for now.. 

I think you need more info and some real answers..

My Ex wife pretty much calls me at 630 in the morning to tell me she can't pick up our 9 year old from school that day.. 

When I later complained about it, her statement was if I knew it was such a big deal I would have handled it.. I retorted back if it wasn't such a big deal you wouldn't have called me at 630 in the morning to tell me this.. 

Nutshell after getting several calls exactly like that I took matter into my own hands told her my brother would be picking up our son after school from now on.. She could get him at my house.

You know what a pain in the a$$ it is to scramble around all day now trying to get someone to pick up my son.. Or I have to take half a day off from work to pick up my son from school. 

My friend, lets call him Joe..

Joe was married.. Had 2 homes and was buying a third, Had 2 cars.. 

His life plan was to buy 4 houses. One for each kid and one for him and his wife.

Now is divorced and lives in his mothers basement after catching his wife in bed with another man. This man has beat his wife.. This man does not work, Joes wife Owes so much money that she has changed her name 3x so far. She works off the book and professes in court she does not work. 

She just got evicted from her apt and moved to another.. Joe lives in Brooklyn, NY.. His wife moved to New Jersey.. It cost him 15k in lawyers fees the first time and then another 15k to fix the mistakes the first lawyer did.. One of them not stating she could not move out of state.. 

He is divorced 4 years now and she pulls him into court every so many months for child support increases.. He is paying ATM 2800 dollars a month.. He gets paid weekly and I have seen his check of 300 dollars a week.. He works for a large phone company so there is no under the table work or money.. Nothing for him to hide..

His 2 daughters are having issues in school because they don't do their homework and the mother does not enforce it and they don't go to school. 

He literally is beside himself not knowing what to do.. Right now he has decided to make a final push to get custody showing all these things and more I didn't even get into.. So he has spent another 12k so far in lawyers fees again.. So he is at 42k in fees right now for all of this..

I known him all my life, I can tell you he doesn't drink or smoke or do drugs.. Being a cop I cannot associate with people like that anyways.. He has never beat his wife even when he caught her in bed with this man.. 

Is he jaded ? Oh yes, like many of us here.. 

But this is the guy I posted about in another thread when it comes to paying for the date.. With 1200 dollars a month, between food and car insurance and buying stuff for your kids, there isn't much left to go out and date with.. 

My Ex wife recently quit a city job and lessened her work hours at her primary job so she would pay me less in child support..

So my long winded point is, you just don't know the story until you ask.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I know there is always a story and I'm the first to give someone the benefit of the doubt. But it was warrant more discussion for sure because that IS a red flag. But mostly that he doesn't want to watch them last minute. Yes, some ex's might take advantage of that, but that only means you have to establish boundaries - the order exists for a reason. It's one thing to be really sick and need your ex to take the kids unexpectedly; it's another to take advantage because of poor planning skills.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Hardtohandle said:


> I think you need more info and some real answers..
> 
> 
> So my long winded point is, you just don't know the story until you ask.


This is true. The conversation was forced after he made his comment and I think it was mostly me trying to wrap my mind around what was just said. 

He said that they divorced because she wanted 8 children, he wanted one, they had 3 and he got a vasectomy. She split once he did that and a year and a half later she remarried. Something tells me he may still have some issues he needs to work through.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

He may have also mentioned this as a way of communicating that there would be no "surprises" were you to commit to a date with him.

Jes sayin.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Dr. Harley lists family commitment as one of the top 10 emotional needs. Typically, it's a higher need for women than for men. So, essentially, many women have an emotional need to know that their partner is a good father. And finding out he's not can drain love from the relationship. 

What your date said indicated that he's a somewhat reluctant and haphazard father. Whether he meant to convey that, or simply chose his words poorly, is something only he can clarify. But you're definitely not crazy to see this as a bit of a red flag that bears further investigation.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

I was really hoping, as a single Dad, to be able to help out here, but I can't. I will say he may have said it wrong, as others pointed out, but I would still go with your initial reaction. Any time my children become a problem then there is no more relationship. I could be going out every other weekend if my daughter wanted to go visit her mother. But since she doesn't go visit but once a month at the most, I work around that because she is more important than a date.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

Cooper said:


> Honestly it sounds like he just want's to be an occasional dad, have the kids a few times a month and let mom (ex) deal with the day to day parenting.


I don't know if this is totally fair. The guy works nights, he can't exactly have the kids weekdays. He has the kids every single weekend so he only has friday nights to himself. I wouldn't call him an "occasional" dad.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

RUN


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

I have 4 children from my recently ended marriage. 

My 11yr old son lives with me full time and doesn't spend any time with my ex. (that's a long story ad to why, and I'd be happy to explain if need be) my other three (8S, 6S, and 4D) are with me for a week at a time, every other week. 

In the morning, I get all of them up and we get breffist, brush our teeth and I take them to school. My ex meets me there. The boys go to school and she takes D4. Then I head to work. D4 has preschool at noon till 230. 

Ex picks up all but my 11yr old and takes them to her place. S11 either walks or rides his bike home (to my house right down the street from the school. 

When I get off work (30 miles from home/her place) I go pick up the younger three, and we go home. I get supper going, we eat and do our evening things and repeat again. I help with homework if needed, baths /showers, etc. 

I should add that ex and I live about a mile or two apart. 

There have been lots of times when I would be out with a friend or a friend and my son, and my ex would call or text me that "D4 wants to come over" and I'd rearrange my plans or activity and go pick her up (or her brothers if they were included in the request). 

I suppose my ex could be taking advantage of me by doing this, but I don't really care. I take advantage of every opportunity to spend as much time as I can with them. We will all grow up and remember who did what and made what memories. 

If a dad wasn't as involved with his children as he should or could be (depending on the circumstances) it would raise a red flag for sure. 

Just my two cents.


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

Does this guy talk fondly about his kids? Ever? If he never talks about them, there is something wrong.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I had another discussion with this gentleman this past weekend. He is definitely not at all interesting to me now lol. 

I asked about his comment and told him it sat wrong with me, but maybe I misunderstood what he was saying. He explained that he began working nights when they separated. (He gets off around 1am). He didn't want to have to mess with the kids during the week and he felt he should have some time for himself. He has three nights off a week and spends one of them with his children. He doesn't ask for holiday time because he wants to be able to do what he wants. I take it as he wants to pretend like he has no responsibilities toward them. I will give him props for paying his support but he is not someone I can ever be interested in. Thanks for all the comments though, you guys helped me think of the questions I should have been asking.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I know there is always a story and I'm the first to give someone the benefit of the doubt. But it was warrant more discussion for sure because that IS a red flag. But mostly that he doesn't want to watch them last minute. Yes, some ex's might take advantage of that, but that only means you have to establish boundaries - the order exists for a reason. It's one thing to be really sick and need your ex to take the kids unexpectedly; it's another to take advantage because of poor planning skills.



Agree, dive a bit deeper. We have a similar situation with a former sister-in-law where we’ve gone out of our way a multitude of times (time, money and personal plans) only to see her exploits on Facebook (while her ex was off shore – making the child support money) and we’re like “Damn, we love the kids and feel a sense of familial obligation but not so much where X-SIL is out ‘catting around’ at some damn ‘teeine-bopper’ concert and after party at a restaurant that we could only dream about going to.”


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

DawnD said:


> I had another discussion with this gentleman this past weekend. He is definitely not at all interesting to me now lol.
> 
> I asked about his comment and told him it sat wrong with me, but maybe I misunderstood what he was saying. He explained that he began working nights when they separated. (He gets off around 1am). He didn't want to have to mess with the kids during the week and he felt he should have some time for himself. He has three nights off a week and spends one of them with his children. He doesn't ask for holiday time because he wants to be able to do what he wants. I take it as he wants to pretend like he has no responsibilities toward them. I will give him props for paying his support but he is not someone I can ever be interested in. Thanks for all the comments though, you guys helped me think of the questions I should have been asking.


Ugh. Poor kids. Doesn't care about holidays with his kids... what a jerk. Glad you are moving along!


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