# Whats going on here?



## lolken (Mar 30, 2018)

So I am currently talking to this one girl for about one month now and its like I been getting mixed feeling from her, but I do enjoy her company. Now we both did say that we will be taking it slow so I am not mad I just want to know whats going on. We call each other baby, we went on a date , and both seem to like each other ,but she texts sooo bad for example I would text her and she wouldn't text back sometimes unless I double text, however she does go to school and work so I give the benefit of the doubt.She does say she miss me here and there ,we love seeing each other so I am just trying to figure out why the communication is so bad LOL am I doing something wrong ? because there would be one point we call and text great then it fades for like a day or two then rekindle sooo I just need a little help lol 


* I am typing this at work so if u guys need anymore details or clarification let me know*


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

You have gone on one date so far?

How old are you guys?


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## lolken (Mar 30, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> You have gone on one date so far?
> 
> How old are you guys?


 We went on 3 to be exact and we both are 23


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

lolken said:


> We went on 3 to be exact and we both are 23


Sounds like you're putting too much expectation on texting.

I can tell by your writing style that writing isn't a strength. Keep the communications real and in person.


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## lolken (Mar 30, 2018)

DustyDog said:


> Sounds like you're putting too much expectation on texting.
> 
> I can tell by your writing style that writing isn't a strength. Keep the communications real and in person.


Haha maybe you are right. Because in person the communication is great and I do have to remember she isn't my girl :grin2:


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lolken said:


> So I am currently talking to this one girl for about one month now and its like I been getting mixed feeling from her, but I do enjoy her company. Now we both did say that we will be taking it slow so I am not mad I just want to know whats going on. We call each other baby, we went on a date , and both seem to like each other ,but she texts sooo bad for example I would text her and she wouldn't text back sometimes unless I double text, however she does go to school and work so I give the benefit of the doubt.She does say she miss me here and there ,we love seeing each other so I am just trying to figure out why the communication is so bad LOL am I doing something wrong ? because there would be one point we call and text great then it fades for like a day or two then rekindle sooo I just need a little help lol
> 
> 
> * I am typing this at work so if u guys need anymore details or clarification let me know*


It’s called taking it slow. Also she is very busy if she is in school and working to support herself. Don’t read so much into it.


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## lolken (Mar 30, 2018)

ABHale said:


> It’s called taking it slow. Also she is very busy if she is in school and working to support herself. Don’t read so much into it.



Ya I won't read into it so much thanks ! and your right . She even told me when I brought up the communication a while back she said don't worry about it im the only person that she is entertaining


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I think she is busy!! I'm not great at texting and when I'm focused, I stay focused and turn the phone off. I know not good but that phone sometimes drives me crazy!!! Don't bombard her but do let her know that your interested and looking forward to seeing her again!!


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## lolken (Mar 30, 2018)

cc48kel said:


> I think she is busy!! I'm not great at texting and when I'm focused, I stay focused and turn the phone off. I know not good but that phone sometimes drives me crazy!!! Don't bombard her but do let her know that your interested and looking forward to seeing her again!!



You know what it is I am so use to being around the person all the time that I am not use to this being apart for so long which is actually a bad thing, and your 100% correct I noticed the for example when she is even doing hw she hangs up. She is just a different type of female in a good way she has qualities of someone that has something great to offer in the future which is what I am actually looking for. So I just have to get use to her habits which won't take me long :laugh:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have had 3 dates in a month and you are already saying that you love each other? You two are really rushing things.

Slow down. If she is the love of your life, you have a life time to be together. What's the rush?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

To begin with, this texting crap is just that: crap. Nobody can have an authentic, genuine, real, up-front relationship when they are moving their fingers on a keypad like a couple of trained chimps. Or should I say, chumps. 

Both of you are YOUNG. Very young. In order to have an in-depth relationship, you need to spend time face-to-face with each other. Screw this texting nonsense. Nowadays people get their shorts in a knot if someone isn't sending them LOL, SMH, emojis, and all the other nonsense that goes with texting. 

Yes, real people actually speak using their vocal chords by phone or in person. No matter how busy their lives may be.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are a male. 
You have an overdose of rushing hormones.

She is a female, a lady.
She has an overdose of resisting hormones.

You have two heads pushing.
Her head and her dread are resisting.

You are on fire.
She is lukewarm.

You need release.
You are on fire.

She has a full tank of love fuel.
She needs a spark, a good match.


The thing is...
When a women wants you as much as you want them.
They are in your ear more than your face.
You are in their mind every second you are not in their sight.

And vice-versa.

You own not this lovely.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

While you may think it's no big deal to break from your work obligations and spend time on TAM or send text messages maybe she has a more committed approach to her work and school and studies. That's my passive aggressive answer telling you that not everyone lives with one eye on their phone and if you expect instant communication from someone who's focus is elsewhere you will push them away.


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## lolken (Mar 30, 2018)

So we actually spoke today via text and she is going through something but she doesn't want to tell me what it is. I gave her some space yesterday after we spoke what do u guys think I should do ,or how should I handle it because I kinda want to be there to show her I am there for her


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

lolken said:


> So we actually spoke today via text and she is going through something but she doesn't want to tell me what it is. I gave her some space yesterday after we spoke what do u guys think I should do ,or how should I handle it because I kinda want to be there to show her I am there for her


Tell her that you are available for her to talk with IF SHE wants to, and leave it at that. I wouldn't push it at all. IF she does talk, make sure you just listen and don't try to "fix" the issue (that's a guy thing -- it's what we want to do, but a lot of times NOT what the woman wants...).


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Sounds to me that your interest level is much higher than hers.

Back off and you'll know for sure.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I think you should stop looking at this girl for your way into the "relationship brotherhood" 

You need hobbies and activities in your life that make YOU the prize.. she should want to know whats up in YOUR life, not you messaging her all day long trying to find out what is going on in her life

I can only assume your dates were not really fun/exciting (dinner and a movie?) otherwise she would be all over you by now.


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## lolken (Mar 30, 2018)

Steve2.0 said:


> I think you should stop looking at this girl for your way into the "relationship brotherhood"
> 
> You need hobbies and activities in your life that make YOU the prize.. she should want to know whats up in YOUR life, not you messaging her all day long trying to find out what is going on in her life
> 
> I can only assume your dates were not really fun/exciting (dinner and a movie?) otherwise she would be all over you by now.


It was actually very good she was all over me tbh , I also forgot to include that she got out of relationship 2months ago.Its more of a tug of war and. fixed feelings


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lolken said:


> Its more of a tug of war and. fixed feelings


What does this mean? Details would be helpful.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Oh, she might still be hoping the old guy gets her back... might explain some things... If she is that fresh out of a relationship I would keep it light and not engage too much.... She might just be using you to fill the gap (as some people do) between relationships


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## lolken (Mar 30, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> What does this mean? Details would be helpful.


For example she was in this whole sad state until I came and took her out now she talk everyday to me until now . I believe she went looking on her ex page (she has him followed on a dummy account )and I think she seen something she didn't like because she doesn't want to tell me because I been trying to help her look at the positive in life. 



Steve2.0 said:


> Oh, she might still be hoping the old guy gets her back... might explain some things... If she is that fresh out of a relationship I would keep it light and not engage too much.... She might just be using you to fill the gap (as some people do) between relationships


Thats what I am saying. I just wish to know whats going on you know , today she didn't text me or call since she spoke to me last night briefly telling me everything will be ok, but she been on social media all day.I just want to know what she wants if she wants me to fall back I will definitely do so


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You make a valid point as far as wanting to know where you stand. HOWEVER ... this is a very new relationship. Why do you have to know so early on? How about you back off a bit - even if she doesn't directly come out and tell you to do that - and let her have some space.

Gotta be honest here. You come across as somewhat needy and more into her than she is into you. She's still following her ex by using a dummy account (on FB I presume). So she's checking up on her ex and you are checking up on her. 

Time to back off. My guess is she still has feelings for her ex, which is why she's checking up on him. Just way too soon to get this involved. And, frankly, this relationship doesn't sound like that much fun. JMO.


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## lolken (Mar 30, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> You make a valid point as far as wanting to know where you stand. HOWEVER ... this is a very new relationship. Why do you have to know so early on? How about you back off a bit - even if she doesn't directly come out and tell you to do that - and let her have some space.
> 
> Gotta be honest here. You come across as somewhat needy and more into her than she is into you. She's still following her ex by using a dummy account (on FB I presume). So she's checking up on her ex and you are checking up on her.
> 
> Time to back off. My guess is she still has feelings for her ex, which is why she's checking up on him. Just way too soon to get this involved. And, frankly, this relationship doesn't sound like that much fun. JMO.


Yea I get where your coming from. I will back off and let whatever happens happen


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## lolken (Mar 30, 2018)

bump


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

lolken said:


> So we actually spoke today via text and she is going through something but she doesn't want to tell me what it is. I gave her some space yesterday after we spoke what do u guys think I should do ,or how should I handle it because I kinda want to be there to show her I am there for her


Sounds to me like she is asking you to back off, maybe she does have something going on or maybe it's just an easy excuse to stop seeing you. At this point all you can do is let her know if she feels like talking you're available, other than that I would let it go and see if she contacts you.

**I wrote this before reading all the post but my advise stays the same, let her make the next contact.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

In basketball, we refer to this type of relationship as a rebound. You are her way of showing her ex she doesn’t need him, but actually she wants him back. Sorry. Stay in the friend zone until she either gets back with the guy or moves on. If she moves on, you’ll know where you stand. In the meantime, date other women to get over the “oneitus” you are in now.


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## lolken (Mar 30, 2018)

Thanks everyone for the advice ,but we spoke today once more she told me that she likes me and feel comfortable with me ,but doesn't think she is read for a relationship( I actually don't want a relationship also). She said she is not mentally ready and that I deserve better what u think should be my next move



Edit: she always said we can still hang out and still wants to see me


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

You got friend zoned because your too nice and needy... Why did you need to know 'where your relationship stood'

What is attractive is a man who has his own life to live, invites her into it, has fun.. and doesnt give a **** if she stays or goes because his life is awesome and the next women is around the corner (or already waiting in line)


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## lolken (Mar 30, 2018)

Steve2.0 said:


> You got friend zoned because your too nice and needy... Why did you need to know 'where your relationship stood'
> 
> What is attractive is a man who has his own life to live, invites her into it, has fun.. and doesnt give a **** if she stays or goes because his life is awesome and the next women is around the corner (or already waiting in line)


I mean I don’t think im wrong for wanting find out if she has interest or not even if i get friendzone i would rather know


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

lolken said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice ,but we spoke today once more she told me that she likes me and feel comfortable with me ,but doesn't think she is read for a relationship( I actually don't want a relationship also). She said she is not mentally ready and that I deserve better what u think should be my next move
> 
> 
> 
> Edit: she always said we can still hang out and still wants to see me





Steve2.0 said:


> You got friend zoned because your too nice and needy... Why did you need to know 'where your relationship stood'
> 
> What is attractive is a man who has his own life to live, invites her into it, has fun.. and doesnt give a **** if she stays or goes because his life is awesome and the next women is around the corner (or already waiting in line)


OP, 28-yr old female perspective here. Please understand that what Steve said above is EXACTLY what happened. 

The way you approach women/relationships suggests that you are well on your way to becoming a nice guy. Nice guy = place women on a pedestal and put their needs before yours. This is a bad place to be heading. The kind of woman you want, is not interested in a nice guy. 

Do yourself a big favor and spend some time on this forum. You will thank yourself for it tremendously when you start to learn more about the dynamics of relationships and how to interact with women in a relationship.

*Edit: she always said we can still hang out and still wants to see me*

This bolded above is code for: you're such a nice/needy guy that I don't feel comfortable telling you straight up that I have zero interest in you. I need to sugarcoat it because I'm worried you're too insecure to handle the truth and I don't want to come across as a bad person. So i'll settle with having to deal with you as a friend. 

That's a recipe for disaster because you will spend years and years as this woman's friend hoping she will somehow see that you're a great guy and give you a second chance.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

lolken said:


> I mean I don’t think im wrong for wanting find out if she has interest or not even if i get friendzone i would rather know


Judge someones interest by the actions, not their words. By you seeking her 'words' to validate her interest you came off as needy and non-attractive. You will know if she wants you if she is messaging you, replying in a timely manner, or has a body part wrapped around your junk.....

You started by saying you "both wanted to take it slow" - it sounds more like she wanted to take it slow and you want more.... otherwise you wouldn't care if she had interest


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## lolken (Mar 30, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> lolken said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks everyone for the advice ,but we spoke today once more she told me that she likes me and feel comfortable with me ,but doesn't think she is read for a relationship( I actually don't want a relationship also). She said she is not mentally ready and that I deserve better what u think should be my next move
> ...





Steve2.0 said:


> lolken said:
> 
> 
> > I mean I don’t think im wrong for wanting find out if she has interest or not even if i get friendzone i would rather know
> ...


Ok i will take both of these things into consideration and start doing them now starting today


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## lolken (Mar 30, 2018)

*Update*

She contacted me yesterday after not speaking for 3 days and asked me if I wanted to go out.I accepted it, she said also said sorry she was distance for the couple days and explained to me just needed sometime because work and school was getting on her nerves.I told her I thought it was her ex and she said hell no and that she is fully concentrated on me only... lol

Sooooo now what o.o


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lolken said:


> Sooooo now what o.o


Quit letting her call the shots. You are still very needy. Okay, so she is telling you it isn't about her ex, just school and life in general. But she is the one who has a bogus account to track her ex.

Until you stop slobbering all over yourself every time she gets the itch to contact you, you are nothing more than a friend to her, and a needy one at that. BTW, SHE told you she just wanted to be friends, right?

Also ... she is young, she doesn't know what she wants in a long-term, serious relationship, and she sounds like a bit of a drama queen.

You aren't focused on what YOU want. Sorry, hon, but you are a needy guy. Not attractive to us women. I'd drop her like radioactive waste. And work on your own issues/self-esteem/values.


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## lolken (Mar 30, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Quit letting her call the shots. You are still very needy. Okay, so she is telling you it isn't about her ex, just school and life in general. But she is the one who has a bogus account to track her ex.
> 
> Until you stop slobbering all over yourself every time she gets the itch to contact you, you are nothing more than a friend to her, and a needy one at that. BTW, SHE told you she just wanted to be friends, right?
> 
> ...



How is she calling shots? She deleted the account way before we started talking I have the account password and its deleted and everything,and yes she told me she wants to be friends, but tbh I am talking to other people its not like she is the only person I am talking to ..


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You are the one posting about this. YOU. I am telling you how I see it. I'm not inside your head. I don't know you from squat. 

If she didn't mean anything to you other than being a friend, you wouldn't be posting, would you? 

You have asked the questions. You have been given the answers. She just wants to hang out with you AS FRIENDS. Nothing more. 

Quit trying to figure out her motives. Why? Because when you do that, it means you are far more emotionally invested in this than she is. BTW, she's playing you. I'm a woman. I know. Trust me on this.

Keep asking questions if you wish. The thing is, she has told you what you are and who you are to her. Accept it. Don't accept it. Your life. Your choices.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I thought about listing on your thread in the beginning but could tell you weren’t interested in hearing the truth.... you keep asking....
They keep telling you....

SHE JUST AINT INTO YOU.

She wants your emotional neediness at times to feel wanted and make sure she has a guy to date if she gets lonely. That’s all.
You are lying when you say you don’t want a relationship. Your actions scream that you want her. She knows it.

Stop calling her, stop dating her, move on.

She has all but told you straight up that you’re not the one for her.

You can date her all you want. She’s going to use you as a crutch and dump you.

Just a warning. I have no dog in the hunt.

Women do these things. You are allowing it.
Get another fish on your line. This one will never be hooked by you. Just plain truth.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You have had 3 dates in a month and you are already saying that you love each other? You two are really rushing things.
> 
> Slow down. If she is the love of your life, you have a life time to be together. What's the rush?


I believe he meant love seeing each other.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lolken said:


> *Update*
> 
> She contacted me yesterday after not speaking for 3 days and asked me if I wanted to go out.I accepted it, she said also said sorry she was distance for the couple days and explained to me just needed sometime because work and school was getting on her nerves.I told her I thought it was her ex and she said hell no and that she is fully concentrated on me only... lol
> 
> Sooooo now what o.o


She is seeing if you are worth the effort. Also, takin it slow.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

lolken said:


> *Update*
> 
> She contacted me yesterday after not speaking for 3 days and asked me if I wanted to go out.I accepted it, she said also said sorry she was distance for the couple days and explained to me just needed sometime because work and school was getting on her nerves.I told her I thought it was her ex and she said hell no and that she is fully concentrated on me only... lol
> 
> Sooooo now what o.o


Yeah....I don't believe her excuse. I think her ex - or some other guy - had her attention for a few days (but she'll never admit that to you) and I also think your neediness turned her off. It's NOT attractive.

I think you're far too needy and far too 'nice' and that's going to get you disrespected as a man and seen as a welcome mat. Just the fact that you jumped the second she called and asked to spend time with you proves to her what a welcome mat you are. 

The message you've sent her is that she can literally snap her fingers and you come running like a Golden Retriever, tail wagging, tongue panting, eager for a pat on the head and a crumb from her and ready to follow her wherever she goes. There's NO respect in that. * No woman respects a guy she can boss around. *Don't get me wrong - this type of guy comes in handy - for HER - when she doesn't have a date for Saturday night or needs him to fix her car or mow her lawn or loan her $200 or be her 'plus one' at her cousin's wedding, but this is NOT the kind of guy she's going to be passionate for and fall in love with. 

That's the OTHER guy - the confident one who ISN'T needy and doesn't jump the second she snaps her fingers and would *never* settle for being her step-n-fetch it boy.

Do you SEE the difference between being a needy welcome mat and being a confident man a woman actually DESIRES?

That's your next step.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

lolken said:


> So I am currently talking to this one girl for about one month now and its like I been getting mixed feeling from her, but I do enjoy her company. Now we both did say that we will be taking it slow so I am not mad I just want to know whats going on. We call each other baby, we went on a date , and both seem to like each other ,but she texts sooo bad for example I would text her and she wouldn't text back sometimes unless I double text, however she does go to school and work so I give the benefit of the doubt.She does say she miss me here and there ,we love seeing each other so I am just trying to figure out why the communication is so bad LOL am I doing something wrong ? because there would be one point we call and text great then it fades for like a day or two then rekindle sooo I just need a little help lol


When I was in college, I worked on Friday nights and all weekend, so I was busy, all the time. Granted, this was 20 years ago before texting became so popular, at least in my world anyways. But, I wouldn't have had time to sit on my cell phone anyways. Give it time, go out in person when your schedules permit, and just keep the lines of communication open. If you text, and she doesn't respond right away, that might just mean she's in the middle of schoolwork or her job. When my man and I first started seeing one another, he later told me that he wondered why I didn't text often in the evenings, which is when I'm at home, away from work. Reason being: I have a house to run on my own, plus 2 home-based businesses and 2 dogs who need some of my time. I keep pretty busy, but during my workday, I have a desk job, and much more time/leeway to text. It's not a bad thing in either case; just different.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Steve2.0 said:


> You got friend zoned because your too nice and needy... Why did you need to know 'where your relationship stood'
> 
> What is attractive is a man who has his own life to live, invites her into it, has fun.. and doesnt give a **** if she stays or goes because his life is awesome and the next women is around the corner (or already waiting in line)


I agree with all of this except for the part about not giving a hoot if the SO stays or goes. A person who truly cares about another will give a hoot if that person is in their life or not. But yes, it's very important to have hobbies, interests, a life to live. Don't be so readily accessible to her or anyone. It's definitely attractive when an SO has a great life of their own, and invites you into it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

lolken said:


> How is she calling shots? She deleted the account way before we started talking I have the account password and its deleted and everything,and yes she told me she wants to be friends, but tbh I am talking to other people its not like she is the only person I am talking to ..


She's calling the shots because you're letting her call them. As to the bogus FB account, it sounded like she was still using it to snoop on her ex. And, you have the password for it, after THREE dates?!? Hell, I was married for almost 4 years, and my husband and I didn't have each other's FB account passwords. Are you a jealous/controlling person who needs to have that sort of info?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I thought about listing on your thread in the beginning but could tell you weren’t interested in hearing the truth.... you keep asking....
> They keep telling you....
> 
> SHE JUST AINT INTO YOU.
> ...


I agree with this post, but for the record, some men do things like this too.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

lolken said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice ,but we spoke today once more she told me that she likes me and feel comfortable with me ,but doesn't think she is read for a relationship( I actually don't want a relationship also). She said she is not mentally ready and that I deserve better what u think should be my next move
> 
> Edit: she always said we can still hang out and still wants to see me


Female language translator, when she says:

She likes me. She feels comfortable with me. SHE MEANS You are friend-zoned, she has no romantic interest. Romantic interests are where she feels a risk, not comfortable.

She isn't ready for a relationship. SHE MEANS She isn't ready for a relationship WITH YOU. When an exciting guy comes alone, she'll be ready. (cue Dixie Chicks)

You deserve better than her. SHE MEANS She deserves someone better than you.

Your next move should be to next her and look for another woman. No point wasting time and energy plowing a field where nothing is going to grow. Sorry.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

lolken said:


> *Update*
> 
> She contacted me yesterday after not speaking for 3 days and asked me if I wanted to go out.I accepted it, she said also said sorry she was distance for the couple days and explained to me just needed sometime because work and school was getting on her nerves.I told her I thought it was her ex and she said hell no and that she is fully concentrated on me only... lol
> 
> Sooooo now what o.o


This means her ex has stiffed her and now she wants to use you again to show him she doesn't need him. You are being used.

Your next move is to cancel the date (if it hasn't happened yet) and give some unimpressive reason (like you had to help someone move something). Don't suggest an alternative date.


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