# Husband addicted to gaming and possibly cheating....



## dilhrchick

***Especially interested in a male point of view, especially if you're a gamer....***** I'm recently married, a little over a month ago, to a man 14 years younger than me. After the marriage, it became apparent that he's addicted to WOW. He plays every night until 3 or 4 am sometimes. I've asked him to not play so much, but it just causes arguments. He has told me numerous times that he will stop, decrease his playing time etc but it never happens. I've even found an inappropriate conversation through Skype, which is what he uses during his game. Now when I wake up at 3am and find him playing I actually have a small panic attack and cant go back to sleep. I've told him how much this bothers me but he still doesn't change his behavior. I can see from his browsing history that he's also looking at porn during the night, which isn't really a problem except that we are hardly having sex at all. He never gave me the time to get past the original inappropriate conversation he had (which he vehemently denies was him.....it was magic apparently). So now every time he plays I wonder who he's talking to and what he's talking about. Help..........I don't know what to do...........


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## dilhrchick

*Re: Husband addicted to gaming....*

I've also found a FB message to his ex-wife asking for sex, which he also denies and says he didn't send. Magic again? I have the passwords to all of his stuff, which he readily gave me. But I can't get past it if 1. he won't admit it and 2. he doesn't change his behavior to give me time to trust him again. Last night I was online playing pool and a female friend of his on Skype sent him a message saying she was horny for him again. I responded and told her to watch what the f she is saying to my husband. It got ugly from there, with her being completely inappropriate and disrespectful. I ended up deleting her and blocking her. He actually got mad and said I shouldn't be talking to his friends, and he warned me how she is. He said I should just log out of his Skype account when I'm on the computer. He has since apologized for HER behavior but said he tried to warn me. I feel like he thinks it's ok for his friends to disrespect me because that's just how she is. That's so hurtful.....


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## dilhrchick

*Re: Husband addicted to gaming....*

In his browsing history I've also found a website MULTIPLE TIMES looking to hook up with LOCAL women in our area. Our area is clearly listed, but I can't find an actual page with his profile. That's not a coincidence. At first I thought maybe it was a pop up page from a porn site, but the same page multiple times, listing he's a male and our city? Too much to be a coincidence........


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## Acoa

Sounds like he is using wow to escape from dealing with life. I've been there, it can really get its your claws into you.

The Skype stuff with the female friend you mentioned is totally inappropriate. The porn sounds like a problem too. Porn is fine if you both use it together to enhance your sex, but it sounds like he is using it to avoid sex, this is NO GOOD. 

Write him a letter, tell him how his habits make you feel. Make only 1 demand, that you start going to marriage counseling together. Don't pester him on anything else. Counseling sessions will force the communication, and therapists are good at getting the emotionally distant to open up.

If he refuses counseling 180 him. Porn, inappropriate contact with other women and neglecting you for a game are enough. Don't give him a chance to get physical with his ex. Nip this in the bud now.


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## dilhrchick

He has clearly admitted to using the game and weed as an escape for the problems in his life right now. But no matter how much I tell him that's what I'm here for, he refuses to talk. He says he never has and never will. I've asked him to go to counseling and he refuses at first, but then says ok. That has yet to be seen as we have no insurance and have to find a cheap counselor.


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## Acoa

Find an Alanon meeting near you. He may not be an alcoholic, but the same principles apply to any addiction. You may find it beneficial.


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## dilhrchick

Thank you, I'll definitely look into that option.


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## Hope1964

Any way you can get a keylogger on his computer? That would dispel the 'magic' excuse once and for all.

You need to draw your line in the sand. Tell him he either stops this behaviour, or.............whatever you are willing to follow through on. And you MUST follow through. Otherwise his behaviour will not change.


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## justonelife

Why did you marry this man? It sounds like you didn't know anything about him before you married him.

I've been married to a gamer who cheated. I yelled and screamed and cried and gave ultimatums. Eventually I divorced him. All you can do is decide what you are willing to put up with and what you are not willing to put up with. Then follow through.

He has shown you what he is capable of a month into the marriage. He should be head over heels in love right now and giving you anything you want. If it is this bad now, it's unlikely to get any better.

I'm sorry to be so negative and I'll admit that I am biased to this issue, but this early in the marriage, this is a VERY bad sign. He has no respect for you.


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## Toshiba2020

Sounds like he has a lot of addictions and isnt ready for a real life or a grown up relationship. youre getting into some heavy topics I recommend therapy from this point. Also, if you plan to keep an eye on him i recommend not going crazy and bringing everything up you find otherwise he will start to pull away and hide his tracks.

I speak from first hand experience, my wife became obsessed with tracking every thing i did on the computer. in response i hide everything i do, even simple things like looking at the weather or checking my email i do in a private browser and have changed all passwords and they get changed on a regular basis. She broke that level of trust we had and she has yet to regain it...you dont want to go down that path, it just makes communication that much harder.


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## Maricha75

My husband and I quit WoW a few months ago. I liked the game, I liked the friends I made there. He did too. What didn't we like? 

1. Addictive. We were on that damn game from the moment we woke up until we went to bed every night. Yes, we still took care of the necessary things around the house, and we spent time with the kids. But the game was logged on all that time. And we raided nearly every night. 

2. Some of the TYPES of people we met... we drifted further away from each other. We both got involved in emotional affairs with people we met on that game.

We figured out, before it was too late, that WoW wasn't worth it. Our marriage is worth more than $15/month to stare at a bunch of pixels. 

Ask your husband what it is about WoW that has him hooked. And, ask if he would be willing to look for an alternative to playing it...something that doesn't have so much contact with other people. And, unless he has kids with his ex, that woman needs to go, like, NOW! And, even if they DO have kids, their conversations should be limited to child related conversations ONLY. 

I agree with justonelife. He doesn't respect you. So, the question you have to ask yourself is how much more of this are you going to put up with?


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## ohlife

Without knowing the good stuff about your relationship, it sounds like he doesn't love you at all and is too scared or lazy to tell you. It sounds like he is a little boy who wants a maid while he has hot skype affairs. That isn't healthy. Definitely go to counselling. If he won't, the only thing you can do to help him (not to mention yourself) is to leave.

Honestly, if someone sent my husband a skype message saying they were horny for him again, I'd leave. It means they haven't got the decency to conclude your relationship before pursuing another, and that means they don't have a character worthy of respect.


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## Bottled Up

Your husband is not making you his top priority... In fact it sounds like he's making you his dead last priority. Yes he's addicted and yes he's cheating on you. You already know this... The evidence he's left all over the place for you to discover easily implicates him for the kind of man he is. How long will you stand there and take it? Long enough for him to give you a STD?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall

The gaming is the least of your problems here. You need to address the ***** dog side of this equation first. Put your foot down and tell him you will not put up with this s**t and you will dump him like hot potato if this doesnt stop immediately. And you need to mean it and follow through.

This guy has no respect for you or the relationship.


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## 45188

My boyfriend also met a girl on wow and had an Emotional Affair with her. I gave him the ultimatum to block her or I was leaving. After that I thought for sure I was safe again whole month of no contact!!! Now I am paranoid because I think I saw him talking to her just the other day on there but he closed the window when I came closer. I tried to log onto his account to see if she was on his list again and off block but now he has an authenticator on it..


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## CorkonAFork

Gamer here. 

Not Wow, but the more, um, 'more cerebral' EVE online. Likely just as time-consuming as wow, as it is a SLOW game and takes hours for a group to form a fleet and shoot internet spaceships. 

Can't say I ever used to play til three in the morning, but yes, there were times I did play several hours at a time, and wouldn't tolerate interruptions. My wife hated it with as much passion as I liked it. Sound familiar?

Of course, I did the majority, if not all, regular housework. I also work full time (she does too), I pay all the bills, and pay the mortgage. We have no kids. 

My wife primarily reads or watches tv, plunks herself down on the couch, and eats. And leaves the dishes piled up around the couch. I neither enjoy reading or watching tv, so I was happy to do my 'own thing' while she was doing this. 

This went on for a very long time. She complained, and eventually gave ultimatums for me quitting Eve. So I did. For a year (we were in counseling the entire time btw). I went from being a hardcore gamer to joining a local woodsball (paintball) team. I went from sitting at my desk all weekend to putting on 50lbs of tactical gear and running around the woods for approx ONE FULL WEEKEND DAY EVERY WEEK (vs her claim I spent 60+ hours a week gaming previously). I put on quite a bit of lean muscle, got a lot of sun, and made 'real' friends! 

Interestingly, I also got new ultimatums. I was doing paintball too much with my new friends. She wanted me to curb it. So I compromised, and I went down to going out twice a month with the team. Not a month passed when suddenly I have a new ultimatum that I was spending too much on paintball now. 

Talking about this with the counselor enlightened me to something called co-dependence. I came to realize that no matter what I liked, my spouse will hate. 

So, where am I now? We're doing an in-house separation now (I'm sure not leaving since I pay for everything). I've come to terms with how unhappy I am in my marriage. I hope we can remain friends, but I am almost certain D is the only solution now (even the counselors say so)

So, did I get back into gaming? After separating, yes, I actually do play a bit of eve online for a few hours here and there. Not as much as I used to. Still enjoying the paintball and all my new friends also. Found out a lot about myself. Found there's a lot to be happy about. Also know I will be happy after D. 

I hope this post was not all that you expected. But perhaps it will put a light on that not all gamers are bad people. 
I'd advise not to bother with ultimatums TBH. Just leave. You'll be happier. He probably will too.


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## Murphy93

it sounds like he doesn't love you at all


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## Benevolence

First of all to better understand WOW addiction, look up WOW addiction on youtube... some of those people become ENRAGED if they are interrupted whilst playing their game.

I game a bit daily but its just something to pass the time. The people I play with are all respectful and genuinely decent, that being said, I have seen the ugly side of gaming. 

I have seen some people say things that are inappropriate for any game that children could easily access, they are obviously looking for cyber sex. Their public chat is way out of line, these people need to be censored, both men and women. 

As for your hubby, no possibly cheating about it.. he looked at porn and wacked off for his skype pal.. plain and simple. 

Drop him like the bad habit he has become and save yourself years of heartache.

Good luck.


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## jennyjane

My husband is a WOW addict too... for seven years I'm living with this situation, now I feel so tired, depress and unloved. I tried to communicate with him tell him how I feel but I really feel he doesn't care...

His schedule is as follows: Wake up at 10am, working and inbetween playing WOW, finished working at around 7:30pm, will start his raid again at 9pm and ho to sleep at around 3 to 4am, this is his routine, sunday to saturday... 

I don't know what to do anymore....


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## RandomDude

You're dealing with a child, not a man.

I'm a gamer myself but I know my responsibilities as a husband and father. Not only that, but I don't make promises I don't keep. But then again, I've never touched WOW... I heard it's dangerously addictive. Maybe I should try...

My wife will KILL ME hehe, I still have an unopened copy a mate who worked at a game store gave to me - and to this day I've yet to open it heh.


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## Maricha75

RandomDude said:


> You're dealing with a child, not a man.
> 
> I'm a gamer myself but I know my responsibilities as a husband and father. Not only that, but I don't make promises I don't keep. But then again, I've never touched WOW... I heard it's dangerously addictive. Maybe I should try...
> 
> My wife will KILL ME hehe, I still have an unopened copy a mate who worked at a game store gave to me - and to this day I've yet to open it heh.


RD, I nearly killed my husband for playing so much.... til I started playing as well. 

It IS addictive, but if you keep it at the same level as you do with your other games, you could probably handle it. But, if you get addicted to things like that very easily, keep the game sealed.


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## RandomDude

Well, maybe I should open up pandora's box after all. 

Heh WOW...
South Park Make Love Not Warcraft R Tard - YouTube
LOVE that south park episode hehe


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## ladybird

I would say install a key logger, it will allow you to see everything he types and that includes websites and passwords, everything. You should start there. Get proof that he can not lie his way out of and go from there.


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## ladybird

Benevolence said:


> First of all to better understand WOW addiction, look up WOW addiction on youtube... some of those people become ENRAGED if they are interrupted whilst playing their game.
> 
> I game a bit daily but its just something to pass the time. The people I play with are all respectful and genuinely decent, that being said, I have seen the ugly side of gaming.
> 
> I have seen some people say things that are inappropriate for any game that children could easily access, they are obviously looking for cyber sex. Their public chat is way out of line, these people need to be censored, both men and women.
> 
> As for your hubby, no possibly cheating about it.. *he looked at porn and wacked off for his skype pal.. plain and simple. *
> 
> Drop him like the bad habit he has become and save yourself years of heartache.
> 
> Good luck.


 It was more likely them getting off to each other.


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## EleGirl

CorkonAFork said:


> Gamer here.
> 
> Not Wow, but the more, um, 'more cerebral' EVE online. Likely just as time-consuming as wow, as it is a SLOW game and takes hours for a group to form a fleet and shoot internet spaceships.
> 
> .......


Rule of thumb for a healthy relationship is that a couple spend 15 hours a week together doing date-like thing, just the two of them. I can be something like going for a walk and talking or doing out to dinner. It can be 1-2 hours a day during the week and a block of time each weekend day. 

After that each spouse should be able to do whatever they want that they enjoy.. as long as it's not having affairs, abusing porn, etc.

From what you have written it's not clear if the two of you got your 15 hours a week together. If you did not, she had every right to complain. If you did get the time together, then she needs to lighten up.

Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. The books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" are pretty good guides on how to settle the type of problems you two are having... plus a lot more.


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## EleGirl

jennyjane said:


> My husband is a WOW addict too... for seven years I'm living with this situation, now I feel so tired, depress and unloved. I tried to communicate with him tell him how I feel but I really feel he doesn't care...
> 
> His schedule is as follows: Wake up at 10am, working and inbetween playing WOW, finished working at around 7:30pm, will start his raid again at 9pm and ho to sleep at around 3 to 4am, this is his routine, sunday to saturday...
> 
> I don't know what to do anymore....


I divorced my husband in March of this year. He lost his job in 2002 during a huge layoff. He never got another job. Instead he turned to computer gaming. His schedule is like your husband's except he does no work.. no job, no house cleaning nothing.

ONe thing I discovered is that when I'm not around... like at work or asleep he's in virtual worlds and chat rooms doing sexual things. 

This is largely why he stays up late..like til 3/4 am... so he has the private time to go on the sex sites. I would not be surprised at all if your husband is doing the same thing... it's the same pattern.

The best way to find out what he is doing is to put a keylogger on his computer. If you are interested send me a pm and i'll send you the name of one that lets you check the computer activity on a website. They way after installing the key logger you never have to go on his computer.

I was shocked when I found what he was doing. He has a complete life online and no interest at all in real life, in me, in our grown children. Anything that disturbs in on-line life sends him into an angry outburst.

My suggest to you is to leave. Get on with your life. Your husband had built a new life for himself by building an envelop around himself where he can live a virtual life right in front of you in your home. He left a long time ago mentally.


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## EleGirl

dilhrchick said:


> ***Especially interested in a male point of view, especially if you're a gamer....***** I'm recently married, a little over a month ago, to a man 14 years younger than me. After the marriage, it became apparent that he's addicted to WOW. He plays every night until 3 or 4 am sometimes. I've asked him to not play so much, but it just causes arguments. He has told me numerous times that he will stop, decrease his playing time etc but it never happens. I've even found an inappropriate conversation through Skype, which is what he uses during his game. Now when I wake up at 3am and find him playing I actually have a small panic attack and cant go back to sleep. I've told him how much this bothers me but he still doesn't change his behavior. I can see from his browsing history that he's also looking at porn during the night, which isn't really a problem except that we are hardly having sex at all. He never gave me the time to get past the original inappropriate conversation he had (which he vehemently denies was him.....it was magic apparently). So now every time he plays I wonder who he's talking to and what he's talking about. Help..........I don't know what to do...........


YOu have been married for one month and this is going on? Seriously.. why are you still there? 

If you feel you need more evidence to convince youself that what he's up to is serious enough to leave put a key logger on his computer . See exactly that he is doing. Then hand him the print outs when you have had enough of that and tell him to get out.

He is ignoring his responsibilities as a husband. He's having on-line affairs, looking for local women to hook up with, ignores you sexually and spends all his time on line. You don't really have a husband.

Are you supporting this guy? Just curious.

You cannot fix him. This kind of internet/gamming addiction is a serious mental illness. Only he can change himself. He will only change himself when he hits rock bottom. You can only change the way you interact with him.


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## RandomDude

By the heavens...

Wowaholics Anonymous | Quit WoW Addiction, Win at Life

An ORG dedicated to WOW addicts? =O

And some of the stories...



> In order to quit I first weened myself off by playing ES IV (Oblivion). It was so liberating to be able to pause the game and quit whenever you felt like it.


Now... I think THAT is my wife and I's saving grace, all our games we can pause, and if we are playing MP, we're playing together (she's a good gamer actually, especially nowadays)

This was hilarious though:


> Finally, I deleted wow and even *dropped Windows as my computers operating system*. It would be harder for me to play wow if I started using a linux operating system like Ubuntu... Immediately I found myself wondering what to talk about, wanting to play wow again and *reading up on ways to get wow to work on ubuntu.*


 :rofl:

EDIT: Oh BTW...



> some of those people become ENRAGED if they are interrupted whilst playing their game.


=/
Well, recently my wife walked in and scared the sh-t outta me while I was in a very tense situation playing X-com (on 2nd hardest difficulty and ironman mode - game autosaves so you can't reload if you make a mistake!). It was in the middle of a battle so I was very tense.

I had a character that I spent hours training and keeping alive in the game's unforgiving environment, and then she decided to zap me with her fingers from behind. It made me accidently order my character, to charge out of cover, without any support from his troops, into a room full of 5 freakin aliens who flanked him and blasted him into oblivion.

What can I say... I WAS P-SSED!!!!

I chased her for a bit around the house after that, still, that sh-t just wasn't cool!!! She understands now though having tried X-com herself (too intense for her however), but damn... I guess I can understand why interruptions would be annoying. I can forgive my daughter, but I can't always forgive my wife for making me lose progress that I can end up spending weeks in (since I schedule my time for work/family/free time)

EDIT2: Oh yeah, and she thought it was funny, and that I was "begging" to be zapped the way I was all tensed up and so close to the screen and sitting up -.-

*sighs*


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## Maricha75

Sigh...even in WoW, you can technically "pause" the game. You will miss a lot of "general" talk, but who cares? You put your toon in a "safe" location, where it won't be attacked by anything... and you go do the things you need to do. Whether that's taking the trash to the road or eating dinner (REAL TIME!) with the family. The game will still be there when you get back. That's the thing people (including myself, at times) have a hard time remembering. Now, I know that if I get back into gaming, to limit the time on the games.

Oh, and RD, I agree with your wife... you were begging to be zapped.


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## RandomDude

Hmmm... sounds like a good way to quit smoking, if it can make someone forget how to pause the game, it may help me forget that it's smoko time!!! heh... just maybe... 

Another reason to open pandora's box! And to actually spend MONEY to play a game - reminds me of the game arcades back in the day - but that's one thing I'm careful with, possible addiction + money = not a very promising combination... Still, the box is currently on my desk for the sole purpose of freaking out my wife when she next comes invade my man-cave.

And yes I know, I was asking for it, I would be cool with it if it was another game where I could just reload but that loss was permanent =/


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## Maricha75

RD: The first thing that came to my mind when you said you ran right in because of your wife's interruption, was this:

Leroy Jenkins ( Original) - YouTube

Obviously not exactly the same.


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## 45188

I play wow, but I'm really casual. Just the other day, 6 raiders didn't show up because of Hurricane Sandy. One of the raiders who did show up, my old roomie posted this on the guild forums.

"SOMEONE NEEDS TO KICK ALL THESE LAZY ****S FROM THE GUILD WHO DONT SHOW UP FOR RAID DAYS. **** ALL OF YOU."

THAT'S addicted. Your husband is cheating on you. Ugh, get rid of him. What a Loser.


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## Maricha75

kipani said:


> I play wow, but I'm really casual. Just the other day, 6 raiders didn't show up because of Hurricane Sandy. One of the raiders who did show up, my old roomie posted this on the guild forums.
> 
> *"SOMEONE NEEDS TO KICK ALL THESE LAZY ****S FROM THE GUILD WHO DONT SHOW UP FOR RAID DAYS. **** ALL OF YOU."*
> 
> THAT'S addicted. Your husband is cheating on you. Ugh, get rid of him. What a Loser.


See, now THAT is bullsh!t!!! Yes, it is disappointing, but who cares if you can't raid ONE NIGHT? Or even a few nights?? Oh, that's right... new content now. Gotta get the best gear...gotta stand out. 

I think the most hard core I was in was Reborn on Aerie Peak... but that wasn't hard core, really. Most of the guilds I was in were more casual. Hate when when hard core raiders get that attitude. My God, seriously! Even Blizz has the attitude that the world does NOT revolve around WoW!

Sorry..got off on a tangent there.... Oh, and, I think the GM needs to kick THAT guy's sorry ass from the guild. Screw that nonsense. Human life > pixels!!


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## RandomDude

Maricha75 said:


> RD: The first thing that came to my mind when you said you ran right in because of your wife's interruption, was this:
> 
> Leroy Jenkins ( Original) - YouTube
> 
> Obviously not exactly the same.


Yup, pretty much, it was freakin annoying.

I had to order in my entire squad to try to save my precious Colonel who I groomed to be my vanguard for the game and almost got them all killed as I watched him die in front of my eyes... *sigh*

If I made a mistake ingame I can live with that, but when I lose progress in a game because of other factors; glitch or WIFE... grrrrr


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## timeforchange

For the gamers here, can I ask, what is that makes these games so much more appealing than your partners/lives? My husband seems hooked on Mafia Wars mainly but if it's not one game it's another. Having the Wii, Xbox for him and the children feels like I never stood a chance really. Does the game itself even matter?


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## RandomDude

Games for us are just a pastime, and it's also something I have fun with along with my wife. Not all gamers are game-addicts

As with everything as long as moderation is there, it shouldn't be a problem. We have alot of fun together with games, and it helps because we're both rather competitive - and like to poke on each other. It's a good way to unleash our competitive sides without annoying the crap outta each other hehe


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## Maricha75

timeforchange said:


> For the gamers here, can I ask, what is that makes these games so much more appealing than your partners/lives? My husband seems hooked on Mafia Wars mainly but if it's not one game it's another. Having the Wii, Xbox for him and the children feels like I never stood a chance really. Does the game itself even matter?


I can't speak for your husband, but really, if you are working with others online playing these games, that's part of it.... social interaction. For the addicts, it's more than that. It becomes their lives. They don't think about the family they are neglecting. For some, the game itself matters. Some get so immersed in it that everything else pales in comparison.

But, as RD said, moderation is the key. It's all about finding the balance. If it cuts into family time, it needs to end.


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## Michael A. Brown

You can ask your husband about it and talk about this problem.


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