# Wondering if my wife is cheating



## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

We have been married for 16 years. My second marriage and her first. My first marriage ended after three years due to an affair she had. 

We have had a lot of problems over the years. Fighting fairly often. But the one I want to address for now is my concern she is cheating. About ten or so years ago I was sitting on the couch one day and her cell was beside me. It lite up with a tell and just as I was about to tell her I saw I love you on it. You now what I did next. She said it was P. P was her ex high school sweetheart of several years. Someone I also had to issues of her talking with as long as it was up front.

She is still best friends with his sister and she used to go over to her moms house when she still lived there. P would be there sometimes and that was fine with me. Not the jealous type. However, trust is important to me. Some see those two things as the same. I do not.

I never had any proof of what happened other than the text. I accepted her story that is was a poem he had written years ago and had lost it. That is what he could remember and wanted to know the rest. She said she continued talking with him becuase they never had closure. 

Though I moved on with her it was never quite the same for me. Fast forward to a few months back. I get to noticing at a concert while we are standing she is getting text with no name. She would quickly open the phone so it disappeared but answered other friends. Instead of saying anything I waited and watched. Stating a couple of times along the way that I thought is was odd she never put names to people. She waved it of and went on. Then one night on the couch with the usual turn away the phone move I couldn't stand it anymore and took it. Nothing in it you won't say to a friend but she is smart enough to delete. She claimed it was P again. I couldn't believe she would do that again.

Still I didn't leave wanting it to be like she said. Of course by now I can't take my eyes of her phone now when I get the chance. A coupe weeks ago she put the name paynus anus on her phone and said it was J when I asked. Then later it was Z. Then is was L. That was it again. Once again she did not willing give me the phone. Once again she deleted before I could or at least had the opportunity and gave me her story. To add to this I was off work for 5 weeks during June and July. She works weekends and is off on weekdays. She when several places. Place she normally tells me she goes. Thing is I was never invited to go and waved it off when I asked. I already had trust issues with her among other things not included here. Not sure I can get passed it all. Ready to say goodbye. I am being to parinoid due to the past? Just not sure what to do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, she's cheating. Do you have access to the phone bill? You'll need to check each number to see who answers, or match them up with people you know. Look for one number that she texts or calls more than the others. That will be him.

If she uses the computer, install a keylogger on it and have the report emailed to you, to see who she's contacting on line.

Ask a friend to follow her on nights when she's away from you. With a camera.

You need to get more proof first before you say anything.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

I failed to say the the second time talking with P she said he contacted her with questions and she said she didn't know why she even replied to him. My question was why did you not tell me you knew what would happen. The last time she said it was someone else that is a male friend I know. he is recently divored and her claim is there were some text he forwarded to her that he wanted her to read. She thought I wouldn't understand. I told her it was rocket science that she would be referring to the text third party and not with I. I still haven't seen those text. She apperntly delete the proof.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> Yeah, she's cheating. Do you have access to the phone bill? You'll need to check each number to see who answers, or match them up with people you know. Look for one number that she texts or calls more than the others. That will be him.
> 
> If she uses the computer, install a keylogger on it and have the report emailed to you, to see who she's contacting on line.
> 
> ...


She knows about the keylogers from the first time. I blew up about it before I got anything. She strickly uses her phone. I was fool enough to give up friends when we married and spent my time with her. Friends are something I have been missing for quit a while now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What kind of phone? Google the phone type and retrieving deleted texts
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

Iphone 4. Didn't know that was possible. That's Ill see what comes up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, getting friends is a big part of what you should be doing right now. She has to see that you are unhappy with her, and one way to do that is to withdraw and get your own life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The iPhone texts are logged in the backups when she syncs her phone. Happy hunting,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

Also she showed me her phone bill last time. Along with the number of text. No calls were made and they were only a few of them. I took her word on who it was being so few text. How to you verify who a cell number belongs to anyway? Or can you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Call them.

Many cheaters have throwaway phones. You could always velcro a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car for a couple weeks and see what you come up with.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She could also be using a lot of apps on the phone like skype fb etc to communicate that don't show up on the bill.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

OK I'm very confused now. Since I had trouble believing her this time I ask her for her phone to pull up her text. She agreed. When it came time to plug it in she said no. They were bad and she would not let me read them. I asked why. She said she had been talking to Z longer than she claimed. I said big deal taking to Z doesn't bother me. I asked if they were having sex and she said no and then later yes and still did not want me to read them. I really did not believe it was Z. She tried to get me in my privates. Hit me with my belt and tried to bite me twice in order to get the phone back. I was expecting to really find something bad on it. She even deauthorized itunes while i was in the bathroom before I hooked the phone up.

Here's the kicker. I found 3000 texts mostly during the last three months. NOT ONE piece of info that a friend would't say to another. Nothing bad at all. Boy do I feel like and idiot. And I really think she is crazy at this point. The only thing I found were voice recordings. She has been recording some of our conversations. and now why so many lately have been steered by her and her drastic attempts to provoke me. She's up to something but I don't have a clue what. She's at her moms now. Left after I would not give the phone back. With all our other problems I have at least made my mind up about our future. Never wanted divorce but that seems to be the only choice. She is recording these conversations with her totally inoccent for a reason. Just don't know what it is.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

rebelm said:


> I asked if they were having sex and she said no and then later yes...


:scratchhead:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So now you know. She admits to cheating, and the recordings are likely her thinking she can use as evidence somehow. 

I still think you aren't looking in the right app on the phone. Do not give the phone back and spend time checking out the other apps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, those are the 'good' texts. The nasty ones are elsewhere, on their own special app.

They have made plans to stick you with abuse or something so she can get you out of the house so he can move in.

Get a video recorder and keep it turned on any time she's in the room with you! Get a voice-activated recorder and keep it in your pocket at all times. She's trying to get you kicked out of the house. Do NOT leave!

If she wants him, she can go live with him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, and get to the bank and put a freeze on ALL YOUR MONEY - RIGHT NOW! And cancel or put on hold all credit cards. She WILL wipe you out.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> So now you know. She admits to cheating, and the recordings are likely her thinking she can use as evidence somehow.
> 
> I still think you aren't looking in the right app on the phone. Do not give the phone back and spend time checking out the other apps.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just wish I would have remembered I could record on my Iphone also. I stayed up all night with that phone. No evidence of anything I could find. I am not a beginner with computers either. The text went back a solid three months and then got spotty on back to January. I paid $20 for the app. Couldn't get itunes to backup right.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

3000 texts are a full blown affair. Not friends. The content is not the issue. The volume is absurd. Also I agree the bad stuff you just hidden somewhere else, but no matter. This is a smoking gun.

Also you say she later admitted to a PA.

There is no additional evidence required here.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> Yeah, those are the 'good' texts. The nasty ones are elsewhere, on their own special app.
> 
> They have made plans to stick you with abuse or something so she can get you out of the house so he can move in.
> 
> ...


Yes new for a while she was provoking me at times. The voice recorder comes on right when I am good and riled up. With nicely saying "what, Ok, etc." That may be what she didn't want me to find. She knows that I know some of the lies she tells on me. That is very low on it's own. The cheat is one this. To set some to me is and whole other ballgame.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> 3000 texts are a full blown affair. Not friends. The content is not the issue. The volume is absurd. Also I agree the bad stuff you just hidden somewhere else, but no matter. This is a smoking gun.
> 
> Also you say she later admitted to a PA.
> 
> There is no additional evidence required here.


My bad. That is how many it retrieved. NOt how many they text. Didn't count that. They have beem talking about 20 minutes a day on the phone the last 4 weeks. Far back as I could go.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> Oh, and get to the bank and put a freeze on ALL YOUR MONEY - RIGHT NOW! And cancel or put on hold all credit cards. She WILL wipe you out.


I was there at nine this morning. Buying new locks on the way home. No cards in both our names. Both of us are tight wads. That the one thing we did well together.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

rebelm said:


> OK I'm very confused now. Since I had trouble believing her this time I ask her for her phone to pull up her text. She agreed. When it came time to plug it in she said no. They were bad and she would not let me read them. I asked why. She said she had been talking to Z longer than she claimed. I said big deal taking to Z doesn't bother me. I asked if they were having sex and she said no and then later yes and still did not want me to read them. I really did not believe it was Z. She tried to get me in my privates. Hit me with my belt and tried to bite me twice in order to get the phone back. I was expecting to really find something bad on it. She even deauthorized itunes while i was in the bathroom before I hooked the phone up.
> 
> Here's the kicker. I found 3000 texts mostly during the last three months. NOT ONE piece of info that a friend would't say to another. Nothing bad at all. Boy do I feel like and idiot. And I really think she is crazy at this point. The only thing I found were voice recordings. She has been recording some of our conversations. and now why so many lately have been steered by her and her drastic attempts to provoke me. She's up to something but I don't have a clue what. She's at her moms now. Left after I would not give the phone back. With all our other problems I have at least made my mind up about our future. Never wanted divorce but that seems to be the only choice. She is recording these conversations with her totally inoccent for a reason. Just don't know what it is.


I am a bit confused by you saying you are an idiot. Surely you mean that the affair is so far along and you regret not intervening sooner. This is a ton of evidence and of course her admitting they had sex.

3000 texts is an affair to be sure. A spouse should not be forming this kind of bond / dependency on another person and especially on eof the opposite sex. She also has history with this guy.

So if you wish to reconsile she needs to go complete NC.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_coupe weeks ago she put the name paynus anus on her phone and said it was J when I asked. Then later it was Z. Then is was L. That was it again. Once again she did not willing give me the phone. Once again she deleted before I could or at least had the opportunity and gave me her story. _

You already know the answer. It's very likely she is cheating on you. Hence, why she's so secretive with her phone, continues to change her story, continued contact with her ex, won't let you see her phone, deletes her text messages, won't put names to the people contacting her in her phone.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_When it came time to plug it in she said no. They were bad and she would not let me read them. I asked why. She said she had been talking to Z longer than she claimed. I said big deal taking to Z doesn't bother me.* I asked if they were having sex and she said no and then later yes and still did not want me to read them*. I really did not believe it was Z. *She tried to get me in my privates. Hit me with my belt and tried to bite me twice in order to get the phone back*. I was expecting to really find something bad on it. She even deauthorized itunes while i was in the bathroom before I hooked the phone up.

Here's the kicker. *I found 3000 texts mostly during the last three months. NOT ONE piece of info that a friend would't say to another.* Nothing bad at all. Boy do I feel like and idiot. And I really think she is crazy at this point. _

Well she admitted to cheating so there you have it. She has had sex with Z.

As for her recording YOUR conversations, yep, she is plotting something, maybe as far as claiming you abuse her and using it later in court for a divorce or something. Tread carefully. Whatever was on that phone was so bad that she did NOT want you to see it, which is why she went as far as biting you. Biting? WTF if her problem?

And the reason why you didn't find a red herring in her texts is simple: because she deleted all the bad messages.

If Z is married and has a wife/partner, you MUST expose the affair to her, w/o any warning to your wife or Z so they don't have time to get their stories straight.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> I am a bit confused by you saying you are an idiot. Surely you mean that the affair is so far along and you regret intervening sooner. This is a ton of evidence and of course her admitting they had sex.
> 
> 3000 texts is an affair to be sure. A spouse should not be forming this kind of bond / dependency on another person and especially on eof the opposite sex. She also has history with this guy.
> 
> So if you wish to reconsile she needs to go complete NC.


Well I felt like an idiot because I was so sure I would it an did not. I have a bad tendency for jumping the gun. Though about a private investigator as well. But I already wanted out before this happend. She had left for four days and had come home Sunday night. I wouldn't talk to her. I told her if I talked I would have to read the test to feel assured she was not lying. I have not intenetions of her coming back. The has never been that great.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> _When it came time to plug it in she said no. They were bad and she would not let me read them. I asked why. She said she had been talking to Z longer than she claimed. I said big deal taking to Z doesn't bother me.* I asked if they were having sex and she said no and then later yes and still did not want me to read them*. I really did not believe it was Z. *She tried to get me in my privates. Hit me with my belt and tried to bite me twice in order to get the phone back*. I was expecting to really find something bad on it. She even deauthorized itunes while i was in the bathroom before I hooked the phone up.
> 
> Here's the kicker. *I found 3000 texts mostly during the last three months. NOT ONE piece of info that a friend would't say to another.* Nothing bad at all. Boy do I feel like and idiot. And I really think she is crazy at this point. _
> 
> ...


I have to correct that with someone else. It retrieved 3000 but not all from him. I did not count how many from him. Few everyday for a while, then none, then a few more. He had a girlfriend at the time they weren't texting much.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

And my biggest concern right now is if she tries to get me for domestic violence. That is the first time I have ever had to wrestle a woman and intend for it to be the last. I removed all the conversations and I don't think she would have known how to make copies but it would look really bad for me. Made sure I took pics of the bites. Which were that bad but left marks. I was in my underwear at the time also. Took a pic of them shredded and put them up.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

File for divorce if you are done. You said yourself you have wanted out a long time and she's not even coming home for 4-5 days at a time and has admitted to having sex with someone else and is still actively having an affair. 

Be done. And get tested for STDs.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> File for divorce if you are done. You said yourself you have wanted out a long time and she's not even coming home for 4-5 days at a time and has admitted to having sex with someone else and is still actively having an affair.
> 
> Be done. And get tested for STDs.



Looking for a good lawyer.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

Thanks to everyone for your replies.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Sorry to have to read that you went through all of this.
Good Luck!


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

Thanks Rob! It's bittersweet. Part of me is glad to go and the other is sad that two people could excel in one part of marriage and not the other. Not even gonna bother with an investigator or look for anymore. the 4 days she was gone only one thing was different. I had peace and quit. 

Being divorced once I know what I am in store for though. Even though it was three years and this one is 16. A wonderful 1 year old daughter was involved the first time. Thanks God she is close part of my life. N0 children are involved in this one.

Going to the lawyers office at 1:30 tomorrow.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wishing you luck and strength.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Wishing you luck and strength.


Thank you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can you reprint those pictures? You may find yourself needing proof.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> Can you reprint those pictures? You may find yourself needing proof.


Yes I can reprint them. After calling the lawyer yesterday I ask for advice on what happened that night. I had the bites documented by the police department. I have never been in a physical altercation with spouse before and had no idea how that worked. Simply put if I take a ride in a Ford I can sign for her one as well.

I ate my first meal since monday night last night. This has been something else. But yesturday I talked to the lawyer and we are presently discussing who gets what. Banks accounts have been closed and other such things taken care of.

It's sad but that night made my mind up. She has made me look bad to others for several years. Telling everyone I'm crazy and other things. This was a problem I have been had with her she would not stop no matter what got back to me on what she said. There were enough signs about her passive aggressive and controlling behavior to know that I should have already been gone long ago. But I was bound and determined to make this work and stay together. 

I have got a tough rode ahead. It's funny how your mind stays on the bad things when your together and then when you it's over it wants to focus on the good times and things you fought to hold your marriage together over. I have an easy way to keep those thoughts from controlling me though. Think about Monday night. That was insane. I will never be in the same room with her again without an friendly witness.

Her story to her friends is not the same as mine about the events of that night. I came eye to eye with how easy it can be to have to put a decision on something in the hands of others to decide who is telling the truth.

That was the first physical altercation I have had in my life with a female. That door opened but I am not going through it. What's next? That is no way to live.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why do you have a tough road ahead? I think you have a yellow brick road ahead! Think of the happiness you're going to experience once you're away from her toxin.


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## rebelm (Oct 8, 2010)

turnera said:


> Why do you have a tough road ahead? I think you have a yellow brick road ahead! Think of the happiness you're going to experience once you're away from her toxin.


A lot of tough emotions. One minute I'm OK and the next I'm a mess.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, pshaw. That's normal. Exercise is the best medicine for that.


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