# Family issues now we are getting back together



## romanticme (3 mo ago)

Hi there, I need some advice and dont know where to turn.Heres the backstory, in March of this year me and my wife split up and she moved away to kent. Since moving away my wife was seeing our grandchild on a regular basis, however due to my wife having to travel to see her this became less frequent as she would have liked.Fast forward to now – we have both decided to give our marriage a second chance as we both feel that we have grown as indiviuals and can offer more to the marriage than we could before.Since we have decided this our eldest daughter who is the mother of the said grandchild has told her mother that if she gets back with me she will stop he seeing our grand daughter, in essence our daughter doesnt want her mother to be with anyone and to live a single life.Do we have any rights to see our grand child as we both believe that no one can tell us what to do with our romantic lives.We are both really lost as we have never faced this situation before.Can someone please point us in the right direction.Many thanks


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

First of all there’s no legal route for you to see your grandchildren.
You have left some pretty important information out here. From your previous post you said your wife’s therapist told her that you were gaslighting her. Is this true?
Also, were you staying in contact with your wife’s daughter and grandchild?


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## romanticme (3 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> First of all there’s no legal route for you to see your grandchildren.
> You have left some pretty important information out here. From your previous post you said your wife’s therapist told her that you were gaslighting her. Is this true?
> Also, were you staying in contact with your wife’s daughter and grandchild?


as for the gaslighting no this was not true this was just a misunderstanding hence the reason we are repairing our marriage, yes I was in contact with my daughter and grand daughter whilst me and my wife were split


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

romanticme said:


> Hi there, I need some advice and dont know where to turn.Heres the backstory, in March of this year me and my wife split up and she moved away to kent. Since moving away my wife was seeing our grandchild on a regular basis, however due to my wife having to travel to see her this became less frequent as she would have liked.Fast forward to now – we have both decided to give our marriage a second chance as we both feel that we have grown as indiviuals and can offer more to the marriage than we could before.Since we have decided this our eldest daughter who is the mother of the said grandchild has told her mother that if she gets back with me she will stop he seeing our grand daughter, in essence our daughter doesnt want her mother to be with anyone and to live a single life.Do we have any rights to see our grand child as we both believe that no one can tell us what to do with our romantic lives.We are both really lost as we have never faced this situation before.Can someone please point us in the right direction.Many thanks


All of Andy001's questions plus Why is your daughter wanting to keep her mother away from <everyone? you? >


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## romanticme (3 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> All of Andy001's questions plus Why is your daughter wanting to keep her mother away from <everyone? you? >


My daughter has always wanted to be in charge of a situation. She is in a similar situation with her boyfriend who she has left on numerous occasions but then gone back to him. Just seems to me she wants everything her own way or its the highway


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

romanticme said:


> as for the gaslighting no this was not true this was just a misunderstanding hence the reason we are repairing our marriage, yes I was in contact with my daughter and grand daughter whilst me and my wife were split


Please don’t take this the wrong way. Is she your biological daughter or your wife’s?


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## romanticme (3 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Please don’t take this the wrong way. Is she your biological daughter or your wife’s?


She is my wifes daughter but I have been in her life since she was 7


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

romanticme said:


> My daughter has always wanted to be in charge of a situation. She is in a similar situation with her boyfriend who she has left on numerous occasions but then gone back to him. Just seems to me she wants everything her own way or its the highway


Is there no chance of having an adult conversation with your daughter to work out some sort of agreement about seeing your grandchild? Does she just flat-out reject the attempt to converse about it?


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## romanticme (3 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Is there no chance of having an adult conversation with your daughter to work out some sort of agreement about seeing your grandchild? Does she just flat-out reject the attempt to converse about it?


She has cut ties with myself and her mother, she has blocked us on all social media and we cannot contact her via any messaging platform, it feels like we are being held to ransom here, either we forget our marriage or we forget our grand daughter, its so unfair


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

How dare your daugther dictate your living arrangement, what a petulant child you have....we have 4 girls and we have issues with some of them but i make it clear that i will not tolerate them telling us how to live our lives. If you accept this from her now you will always be at her mercy holding the grand child as a pawn.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m not familiar with UK law but grandparents’ rights do exist to an extent in the US so maybe that’s a question for your solicitor. If you’re not her legal dad (adoption) then that possibly could make a difference but I don’t know that. Sounds like she really wants her mother away from you.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Either your daughter sees something very toxic in your relationship with your wife and doesn't want her kids exposed to it

Or

Your daughter has some serious issues that make me question her fitness to raise kids in the first place. No mother would want to keep their kids away from loving grandparents + try to control their lives and relationship by leveraging the children as bargaining chips.


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## romanticme (3 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> I’m not familiar with UK law but grandparents’ rights do exist to an extent in the US so maybe that’s a question for your solicitor. If you’re not her legal dad (adoption) then that possibly could make a difference but I don’t know that. Sounds like she really wants her mother away from you.


I think this stems from the fact that me and her mother moved away from where we lived for 19 years and she is worried that her mother would move away again. We have told her this is not the case as I will be looking to move back down south in the new year. But this still for her doesn't change a thing


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> How dare your daugther dictate your living arrangement, what a petulant child you have....we have 4 girls and we have issues with some of them but i make it clear that i will not tolerate them telling us how to live our lives. If you accept this from her now you will always be at her mercy holding the grand child as a pawn.


She’s not dictating how they live their lives, she’s dictating how she’s going to live her own life. Which is without the stepfather anywhere near her or her child. 

And yes, she is within her legal rights to decide if you can see her child or not. 

A decision not taken lightly.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Either your daughter sees something very toxic in your relationship with your wife and doesn't want her kids exposed to it
> 
> Or
> 
> Your daughter has some serious issues that make me question her fitness to raise kids in the first place. No mother would want to keep their kids away from loving grandparents + try to control their lives and relationship by leveraging the children as bargaining chips.


We don’t really know if they’re loving grandparents though. So she may be quite fit to decide that grandpa can’t go near her child. She knows why, and her mother knows why.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm sure your ex-wife didn't talk highly of you when she left you. Her daughter probably remembers this. So, now, you're both getting back together, and maybe she's not as excited as you both are. It could be a hundred other things, but I doubt your wife never vented to her daughter about the marriage, when you both were divorcing. That's just human nature. Just like she's sharing with her this latest development.

She may not have bad mouthed you, but people don't get divorced if everything's great. So, it could be simply that her daughter heard a lot of negative things about you when your ex was divorcing you, and now she has formed her own opinion of you. 

I kind of empathize with her daughter, if this is the case. I'm sorry though, for you having to deal with it all, now.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

romanticme said:


> in March of this year me and my wife split up and she moved away to kent. Since moving away my wife was seeing our grandchild on a regular basis, .......now – we have both decided to give our marriage a second chance as we both feel that we have grown as indiviuals and can offer more to the marriage than we could before.Since we have decided this our eldest daughter who is the mother of the said grandchild has told her mother that if she gets back with me she will stop he seeing our grand daughter......





romanticme said:


> My daughter has always wanted to be in charge of a situation. She is in a similar situation with her boyfriend who she has left on numerous occasions but then gone back to him. Just seems to me she wants everything her own way or its the highway





romanticme said:


> She is my wifes daughter but I have been in her life since she was 7


This sounds like an interesting family counseling problem. The question to get answered is one of two: 

1) Does your step-daughter feel that you are so toxic, that she doesn't want her daughter exposed to anything/anyone you have come in contact with or have influence over?
2) Is she trying to manipulate her mother, your wife for some reason?

So the issue is, how can you negotiate something like this? You can't until you learn your step-daughter's motives. Your wife might be able to. Another relative might be able to. 

If I were you, I would point out that Christmas is coming in a few months and that is a time for family. Ask you wife to ask her daughter, if she and you can send their grand daughter Christmas Presents. If the answer is no, I would mail a lump of coal to your step-daughter just before Christmas. It won't help, but at that point it might get her attention. 

Seriously, this sounds like there is more to the story than you have posted. Did you ever do anything that your step daughter has not forgiven you of? Did you have an affair with her mother and then steal her mother away from a father she loved? 

I wish you luck.


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## romanticme (3 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> This sounds like an interesting family counseling problem. The question to get answered is one of two:
> 
> 1) Does your step-daughter feel that you are so toxic, that she doesn't want her daughter exposed to anything/anyone you have come in contact with or have influence over?
> 2) Is she trying to manipulate her mother, your wife for some reason?
> ...


1) no my step daughter has said that her mother is toxic not myself.
2) my step daughter has always felt the need to try and control a situation, she always has. 
3) I did not steal her mother away from her father, he was way out of the question when I started to get involved (he cut ties approx 1 year before)
4) the reason my wife left was because we grew apart emotionally and physically and she wanted to move back to where we used to live.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Legally you have no rights to see your grandchild. But your daughter is acting like an immature 6 year old. Blocking you both on social media is childish. 

I would continue to work on your marriage and forget about your daughter for the time being. Perhaps when she sees her Mom happy with you, she will do what’s right for everyone and let you be a part of her child’s life. Otherwise you and your wife need to put each other first and get on with your lives without the daughter.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> I'm sure your ex-wife didn't talk highly of you when she left you. Her daughter probably remembers this. So, now, you're both getting back together, and maybe she's not as excited as you both are. It could be a hundred other things, but I doubt your wife never vented to her daughter about the marriage, when you both were divorcing. That's just human nature. Just like she's sharing with her this latest development.
> 
> She may not have bad mouthed you, but people don't get divorced if everything's great. So, it could be simply that her daughter heard a lot of negative things about you when your ex was divorcing you, and now she has formed her own opinion of you.
> 
> I kind of empathize with her daughter, if this is the case. I'm sorry though, for you having to deal with it all, now.


We only have one side of the story. She very well could be being petty, or she could be protecting her child, especially if she has a contentious relationship with her mother. Sometimes mothers make judgement calls for the well-being of their children.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

romanticme said:


> 1) no my step daughter has said that her mother is toxic not myself.
> 2) my step daughter has always felt the need to try and control a situation, she always has.
> 3) I did not steal her mother away from her father, he was way out of the question when I started to get involved (he cut ties approx 1 year before)
> 4) the reason my wife left was because we grew apart emotionally and physically and she wanted to move back to where we used to live.


Thank you.

So her mother is the toxic person and yet your step daughter allowed her mother to see her daughter (your grand child) then, but not now. That sure adds an interesting spin to things.

So was she trying to rehabilitate her mom by letting her see her grand daughter and now you are suppose to rehabilitate her mom? If so, maybe the two of you can come up with a plan together. Not sure I would want to be part of that, but it might provide an option. 

You could be right that she is just a control freak, but then her withholding access to your grand daughter now and not then, really doesn't make sense.

Good luck. Maybe you should reach out and ask about what you can do about Christmas presents and the holiday season with your step daughter.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@romanticme

The EU and Great Britain have enacted rights for grandparents. Many states in the US have some legal variation and level where the courts can allow for grandparents' visitations. I suggest you seriously consider how important this is to you and then get legal advice if you still need that path 

Best


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Not your kid … not your rules.

The mother of the child doesn’t have to listen to anyone else. It’s her kid not yours.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Generally speaking, anyone can apply to a court for visitation with a child, under the rights of the child to have a relationship with extended family. They're more likely to be successful if the estrangement is due to the death of their child and the living spouse blocks access or there's been an acrimonious divorce. If both parents are on the same page in this scenario, the applicant is unlikely to succeed. 

Not to mention, that going down the legal route, you'll permanently damage your relationship with your stepdaughter, there'll be no coming back from it. If my parents or in-laws ever threatened us with legal action to gain access to our kids, they'd never see or speak to us or the kids again, and we'd move interstate so fast their heads would spin.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Unfortunately as a grand parent you have no rights to the grandchild. My oldest daughter did the same thing to me. She had 3 children and I never got to know them. The youngest is a senior in highschool now and now that my grand children are moving on with their lives my daughter text me occasionally but that's it. I hope it doesn't turn out this way for you.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I’m going to side with the parent of the child. She feels the need to protect her child from both of you. Maybe she believes your marriage will fail again and another disappointment for her child. It’s obvious she doesn’t want you two back together and I’m sure there’s a legitimate reason she feels that way, even if you don’t agree with it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

romanticme said:


> Hi there, I need some advice and dont know where to turn.Heres the backstory, in March of this year me and my wife split up and she moved away to kent. Since moving away my wife was seeing our grandchild on a regular basis, however due to my wife having to travel to see her this became less frequent as she would have liked.Fast forward to now – we have both decided to give our marriage a second chance as we both feel that we have grown as indiviuals and can offer more to the marriage than we could before.Since we have decided this our eldest daughter who is the mother of the said grandchild has told her mother that if she gets back with me she will stop he seeing our grand daughter, in essence our daughter doesnt want her mother to be with anyone and to live a single life.Do we have any rights to see our grand child as we both believe that no one can tell us what to do with our romantic lives.We are both really lost as we have never faced this situation before.Can someone please point us in the right direction.Many thanks


It appears your daughter has very strong feelings about your reconciliation which suggests some things have happened which led her to this position. Were you emotionally, mentally or physically abusive to her mother? You have swept information under the rug. Is your daughter worried about her mum's safety for example.


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