# Newly “separated” what do I do?



## MontanaCarrie (Dec 25, 2020)

Hello all...I have recently become “separated” by court order. My marriage has been challenging for the past couple of years. Background- I married a widow and raised his children from ages 11 and 16( they are 29 and 34 now). We have been married since 2008 but together since 2003. We bought a new home in 2006. He started hanging out with the neighbor and increased his drinking. We have argued about that often but nothing resolved. His brother died of cancer 2 years ago and it had really messed with him I believe. I asked him to see his dr about being depresses possibly, but no meds were started. Fast forward to last 6 months. There has been no affection in our marriage ( let alone sex for 2 years) and he says he can’t tell me he loves me. I have been begging him to go for counseling etc, which he refuses. I don’t usually drink and am a gentle personality. The other night things came to a head. I drank a half bottle of wine and ended going into what I can only describe as rage. I broke our television and thee some other things around. The police were called. I tried to leave and was pulled over, arrested for misdemeanor dui (.09) and misdemeanor family assault. He videotaped the whole thing on his phone and showed the police the nest camera as well. I totally lost my mind I believe. Anyway I was released and have obtained an attorney. I am staying at our daughters house and we have no contact order. I am trying to figure out what my next steps should be. Do I go and find my own home? My first hearting isn’t until feb 16 so I don’t anticipate even being able to discuss what we should do with him. I have told him how sorry I am (through the children) and haven’t really heard much back. He did allow one of my dogs to come to our daughters house and sent the Christmas presents he bought me to her house as well. What do I do now. I don’t have access to the house, unless a have a sheriff standby and that can only be 20 minutes. Where do I start? Do I wait for him to file for divorce? I start counseling weds to work on my own issues and get some understanding of my behavior. I don’t know if our marriage is over but I believe his actions, and lack there of, are speaking for themselves at this point thanks for all the advice you can offer!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*



Newly “separated” what do I do?

Click to expand...

*Celebrate, that's what you do.  That's what I'd be doing.

After that, lawyer up.

Then, celebrate some more.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I just LOVE alcohol...there are SO many benefits...(I'm being VERY sarcastic)!!!!

Look, if you need anything from the house, either have one of the kids help you get it, or get a sheriff escort. Otherwise, write down a list of ALL the questions you have, and talk to your attorney about them. 

I don't see any "bad guy" here -- I just see dark unhappiness that should have ended a long time ago. 

It's great that you said sorry for what happened, but now let it go. You made a mistake, it happens. It also makes sense, given your situation. What your actions did was force to a head something that should have happened a LONG time ago, maybe years ago, and now you need to turn your back on your old life and look hopefully to the future, where you can be happy and find someone who will appreciate and love you!!!

Your relationship with your husband is toxic...let it end.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I would recommend that if sobriety is not a priority it should be, it will interfere with how you take control of the things you can and should. Full sobriety will also show the courts to come action and not words, something in your favor.

You have co-suffered for years as your husband has surrounded himself in his own suffering, when a message of no affection is repeated for so long it becomes lived... we become what we think and if your husband has lived these thoughts without help for this long it becomes a part of who he has become. This is not to say he cannot change but it is hard when one cannot love themself to understand how it is to love another.

Sometimes one has to painfully look at where they are and be ready to step away, as scary as it is.

Anger fuels our suffering, ... a poison we drink in an attempt to hurt another out of retaliation.

If it were me, I would file and begin the healing process... love yourself more.

If you file, it is a first step to assume control of the life you have allowed to hurt both of you for too long. Begin by discussing suitable legal representation, begin studying the laws your state will require you to follow, get a firm grasp of your financial holdings and what is currently legally yours to have access to such as checking/savings/investments/retirement accounts, and openly communicate that through your lawyer in legal letters. I suspect your soon to be ex will become even more angry as you begin this process, but he sounds very angry at life anyways so don't take it personal even as he will try to make it so... so try not to allow his delusion of right or wrong become yours as people who hate want to pull you in.

Be honest with the things you can do better, learn from them as they are mistakes, not life sentences.

Then be patient, buffer all your actions in kindness and remember calm is a super-power.

Remember as you face your court hearing for your DUI and damage to your home that you are accountable, you can be humble and strong at the same time... I wish you peace as you move forward letting go of the things that hurt you.


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