# So confused!!



## Emmie (Dec 17, 2014)

Hi, 
My last post on TAM was that of a positive one where I managed to make a massive change in my marriage due to lack of sex.
However, I am having a terrible time with for want of a better description a bi-polar relationship.
Our current issue is over something stupid and after I shouted at him I immediately apologised.
He stormed off and went to sulk. He does this EVERY time we have a problem. He doesn’t talk and after a few days he will start being normal again like nothing happened.
He will never talk about the issues we have, so nothing gets resolved and I end upholding my feelings in.
He tried to tell me the other day that I have to many feelings and I shouldn’t feel the way I do.
When things are good they are amazing. We have 6 children between 13 and 25 and we have been married 20 years.

Yes, he has always been this way :frown2:

I know he loves me but he is mega insecure for no reason and apparently I don’t say I love you first, like before him. It’s so childish.
We haven’t spoken for days but every time we have a problem it’s the same. I end up sleeping alone and he causes a huge atmosphere in the house and of course the kids know there’s a problem.

The problem is I sit here in bed wondering if I can continue to put up with living with a man child who is so unpredictable.

Our sex life has improved albeit not as much as I’d like, but since we got past that issue it’s like he rushes me to finish... I’ve been faking for months and I feel like it’s because He wants to get it over with quickly.
I haven’t told him about this as I honestly love him. 
I just don’t know if I can live with all these issues we have without being able to talk.

I feel like I’ve totally failed and I feel so god damn lonely :crying:


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

What did you shout at him about ?

Have you read the 5 love languages book ?

Never fake it ...you cheat yourself

"I feel so god damn lonely" ..... is it possible he feels the same way ?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I agree with your husband that you moan a lot. I didn't read all your previous posts but think it's too many to still be complaining about the same thing with only a temporary sexual frenzy in between. I understand it is frustrating, but I don't think you're considering your own contribution, in that you're not the only one in this marriage, which means you're not the only one with complaints. I expect he has some too if no other than the fact that you complain. 

You can keep on coming here complaining if you want. I know it can be cathartic to get your feelings out of your head, but if you're not willing to do anything about your problems, then all you're doing is complaining. So make up your mind. You spoke of separation before but knew full well you don't want to do that. Then you say he's always been like this. Then you say you still love him. Then you keep saying you can't keep living this way. Then you called him a man child. Well, it's been a very long time since 2017 of you saying these same types of things. 

If he refuses to work with you on the marriage, you have to stop trying to find ways to make him. All you can do is change yourself, and the first thing to accept is that you can't make him change, rather than your usual train of thinking and trying to find advice to force him. 

The second thing is you have to do is know that you also need to change, and that means accepting the situation and deciding to either do something about it or that you don't want or can't to do what is required. 

The third thing to do is work on yourself and your self-esteem. I have never heard of a man rushing a woman through sex. The "hurry up" sex usually comes from the woman's side of things. I've seen a lot of women complain their husband doesn't want sex, but I can't imagine a man having sex and wanting to quickly get it over with. So, if he doesn't want sex, why are you forcing him to do that too?

The fourth thing to do is find a way to understand your husband. He doesn't want to talk but there has to be a way to get through to him. But you first have to stop disrespecting him. That, no doubt, is at least one reason he shuts down. You screamed at him and then apologized, and now you're acting like that was supposed to mean something. But you're a grown woman who knows apologies don't undo anything. You need to have better control of yourself, instead of being so busy trying to control him. Your husband has feelings and opinions too. Ask yourself how many of these problems you speak about are actually your own issues of things you want him to do or address? Are they all about you and what you want from him, or are any of them out of concern for his feelings and issues? Find out what your husband needs from you because your marriage is not all about what you need from him. You've heard the saying "you attract more bees with honey," and that applies to people too. If one partner feels they and their needs are neglected, they are much less inclined to want to apply themselves. But if he feels he matters in the marriage too, then he might feel like paying more attention to you. This could possibly have something to do with him wanting to rush through sexual relations. It may be that he feels you want him to perform in bed for you but that you don't do things (not necessarily just in bed) to make him happy.

In other words, he doesn't shut down for no reason. You have to stop provoking his withdrawals and give him reason to want to engage. You start that by recognizing and show him that he matters too. I took the liberty of googling that complaint and found it to be a very common one. You can *read here* for help to better understand your husband.

And finally, there's a lot of help on improving your marriage and communication at MarriageBuilders.com, but you both have to be willing to read the articles found on the left side ribbon bar and do the work and the worksheets. You might broach the subject of working on the marriage and enlisting his participation by letting him know that you want to improve things for him as well as yourself. The reading can be an activity you do together or separately. Just schedule a time frame for reading and a day to discuss.

If he refuses to participate and work with you at all, your choices are to keep complaining, accept things the way they are since they've always been this way, or finally put an end to the misery you're both experiencing.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

StarFires said:


> I have never heard of a man rushing a woman through sex. The "hurry up" sex usually comes from the woman's side of things. I've seen a lot of women complain their husband doesn't want sex, but I can't imagine a man having sex and wanting to quickly get it over with.


As a man, I can give you my POV... if you are not attracted to your wife/partner and you are having sex to keep the peace or for whatever other reason, you want to get on and finish quickly... no hanging around... :laugh:


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

My first husband was bipolar now that I understand it due to our daughter actually being diagnosed and treated for this ailment. My X has never been diagnosed like many who are and never accept there is a problem. My guess is that you are in a similar situation. 

Have you two tried counseling? You still love each other is what I perceive from your post. You are simply tired of dealing with another child instead of a spouse. 

My marriage ended terribly, but my daughter's didn't. In both our marriages (daughter's and mine)there was infidelity. Mine ended due to his infidelity, but my daughter's is now thriving thanks to the meds, therapy, and God route her marriage took after infidelity. 

Your marriage doesn't have the pain of betrayal, but living with your manchild is a very stressing marriage. Have you talked to about your concerns something emotional is plaguing him? My X was bipolar of that I have nodoubt, but he never accepted this, so I couldn't do much except fight most of the time when I was fed up of dealing with his file temper. 

Unlike yours, mine was not loving, I was the loving one in our relationship. He was a grump!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Emmie you have been posting here about issues with this man since 2015. How much longer to you intend to beat this dead horse?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> As a man, I can give you my POV... if you are not attracted to your wife/partner and you are having sex to keep the peace or for whatever other reason, you want to get on and finish quickly... no hanging around... :laugh:


But that's the thing, I didn't know there had to be any attraction for a man to want sex. It's so often that attraction isn't necessarily part of the equation. But yeah, he's obviously doing it just to keep the peace.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Emmie said:


> Yes, he has always been this way


6 kids and 20 years later, it's now a problem?

Or was it a problem in the beginning too, but you stayed for 20 years and six kids?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I guess we are very blessed because our 46 year marriage has been easy. No drama, some small issues, but we are so eager to please each other that we worked out any issues in no time. Self help books cannot possible know you and your specific issues, bug the spout generalizations that sound good. Name one book that works for so many people that it puts marriage counselors of work? You are not going to find a solution in any book. That is why there are lots of new ones being published every year instead of just one that works for all. BTW, I have had psychological issues and still see a Psychiatrist. I get my advice from professionals which is why my marriage has been very good. For all you know you are listening to a 15 year old pretending go be an adult. Sorry to say all of this but free forums are worth what you pay for them. Entertainment at best and maybe some good advice based on experience. However when it comes to deeper issues, you are fishing without a pole in free forums.

I have had no marital issues that required outside help, bug if I did I sure as heck should not be asking online strangers whose qualification are questionable at best (bet few are even married happily as long as me). If it is an important issue, seek a professional. This is not a simple problem. If you take it seriously, treat it seriously with a professional rather than looking from help from people who only know your side of the story and only what you choose to tell us. Need, help? Get real help. This is place is for general advice not serious problems in a marriage. That is why they have a Therapist section. Free advice is seldom worth its cost.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Emmie said:


> he is mega insecure for no reason


I want to respectfully disagree with you on part of that. After reading this statement from you:



Emmie said:


> ]I’ve been working hard on putting a patio down while he sat and watched me and as an example, yeah I moaned, I moaned that he was supposed to do it and he could get on with housework instead of watching.


I must agree that he is insecure, but it is not for "no reason". This scenario, and your disdainful statement, are absolutely venomous. 

I'm not saying you created his insecurity. But, I am saying that you are part of the problem, rather than being a part of the solution.

My advice is this. You need to take off the pants, and leave them beside his bed. And, then, under no circumstances, are you to put them back on, nor are you to complain about anything regarding the pants. Unless you have something positive to say about how he wears them, don't say anything.

If they don't get worn for a year, so be it, you are not to wear them. You are not only not to wear them, you are not to solicit anyone else to wear them, other than your husband. You are to leave the pants right there, beside his bed, for him to wear.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Emmie, MC is never too late in a marriage. If he won't go with you, go be yourself. One way to change another's behavior, is to change your own. Anyhow, MC isn't going to hurt you, so go.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

StarFires said:


> But that's the thing, I didn't know there had to be any attraction for a man to want sex. It's so often that attraction isn't necessarily part of the equation. But yeah, he's obviously doing it just to keep the peace.


You might find it strange, but even men have standards... we are not all horndogs out there to shag anything that moves... :smile2:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

TJW said:


> I want to respectfully disagree with you on part of that. After reading this statement from you:
> 
> *Quote:
> Originally Posted by Emmie, from previous thread...
> ...


Seriously? So she is supposed to be ok with him sitting there on his ass watching her, not helping her in any way, while she does something like put in a patio all by herself?? Oh HELL no. Thats NOT ok. And what she said to him was damn tame compared to what would have come out of my (and many others' here) mouth! 

A man like this doesnt wear the pants, so suggesting she submit to him in this way is repugnant.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> What did you shout at him about ?
> 
> Have you read the 5 love languages book ?
> 
> ...


This sounds more like it needs the mars venus book to me. Not that the 5LL would not be really helpful as well.

All of that stuff is standard, but I guess if some guys don't get it then it helps to read the book. 

It may help both of you (OP and Husband) because if he is willing it really may help him and maybe you both communicate better...

Don't fake it, BTW, and don't admit that you did, just don't...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You should start with therapy for yourself - and be very honest with the IC, even the stuff you're not proud of. Hear from the IC what is normal and healthy in a marriage and you can go from there.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> So she is supposed to be ok with him sitting there on his ass watching her, not helping her in any way, while she does something like put in a patio all by herself??


Not at all.... she should allow him to take complete responsibility of the patio, or whatever other projects they have decided will be done by him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> Seriously? So she is supposed to be ok with him sitting there on his ass watching her, not helping her in any way, while she does something like put in a patio all by herself?? Oh HELL no. Thats NOT ok. And what she said to him was damn tame compared to what would have come out of my (and many others' here) mouth!
> 
> A man like this doesnt wear the pants, so suggesting she submit to him in this way is repugnant.


Well, her therapist, if she had one, would tell her to HIRE somebody to put it in if her husband isn't going to participate. That reacting badly to him for his failures doesn't solve anything, just makes things worse.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

turnera said:


> her therapist, if she had one, would tell her to HIRE somebody to put it in if her husband isn't going to participate.


Yes. Hiring someone may be a much better choice, if they both agree to do it that way.


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