# Why does it bug me so much about wife on facebook/texting friends all the time?



## psychocandy

My wife goes through phases like this.

Basically, she can spend all night on facebook, and/or texting her friend on her mobile phone (like constantly).

As a fella, I dont understand it. I text my mates about once a week if that !!!! And I hate facebook!

It bugs me that I dont know what shes doing, and it annoys me I dont know who shes texting. Is that weird? It really stresses me out.

To be fair to her, shes normally got the laptop in the living room on the settee, so its not as if I dont see her or shes hiding away. And she does talke to me as well.

Also, if we go out, she does avoid texting, so its not like all the time only when we're hoping doing nothing.


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## humpty dumpty

I also wish id never come across the facebook site !! its very addictive! 
I dont have a account now but i guess you hate it so much because it takes your wife away from you .
It is a girly thing to want to chat more to friends lol !! Does she know how much you dislike her using the site ?


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## psychocandy

Yeh. I suppose she does know I hate it, but thinks I'm being silly.

I suppose she has compromised and does sit near me when shes on it. She so used to me being a bit controlling so I try not to get too funny about it because at the end of the day, its up to her, isnt it?


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## humpty dumpty

Its not about being controlling , its about finding a way where you are both happy, Its a trust issue to , do you trust her ? has she given you any reason not to trust her?
And lets just suppose she does'nt know how much you hate it!! try telling her ..I never knew how much my husband hated it until he told me !
shes intitled to speak to her friends ( we all need some outlet) but your marriage is also important have facebook free nights turn the phones off, and talk and be together


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## GAsoccerman

I am on facebook as well, I ahve come across alot of old friends from elemantry school and High school, people I ahve not seen in 20 some odd years. So it is nice to catch up with and joke around.

Plus you can do all kinds of little things.

I would imagine it is Hard for anyone to "hook up" on there since when you post on someones wall Everyone of their friends can see what was posted, so all 100 of my firends see what Brandi has sent me....So it's usually goofy stuff, nothing like, "oh you are so hot!" unless it's to my wife on there. LOL

I would not be worried, she is connecting to old friends.


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## GAsoccerman

apparently I married the woman that is always on the PC as well....Funny how that all works out.


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## AZMOMOFTWO

I just recently got on Facebook myself, and the most fascinating people are those from the ancient past. Curious what they are doing, where they are now. I guess that is a natural curiousity or why would people attend reunions? My husband is not on FB but I am. Course he annoys me with his constant checking of email and the internet on his iphone, I used to wonder who he was talking to (another issue as I have reason not to trust) but now he shows me, its just craigs list and ebay. The only time that annoys me is if I am talking to him or we go somewhere. I expect that he put the iphone away. If not I think its disrespectful so I don't do that to him with FB and your wife shouldn't either (though it sounds like from your post that is not the case). Hey you might create your own account, if you are one of her friends you can see her entire profile and her all and you will know exactly what is going on. Maybe take the unknown out and it won't bother you so much. Its not just a girlie thing, about 1/3 of my friends are guys. One of them just did a really cool thing, he edited a video with wedding photos and some live action to music and posted it. What a cool tribute to his wife. Anyway if it makes her happy then don't try to take it away but if it takes time away from the two of you then you need to have a discussion. Uninterrupted time together is the most important thing a couple can do.


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## GPR

OK... Intervention time!!!! 


Psychocandy, this is at least the 3rd thread you started dealing with your wife doing something that is making you nervous, uneasy, jealous, or worried.

First it was going out with her girlfriends...

Then to the other couples house...

Now facebook and texting...


They are all the same answers. Unless there is a reason for you to not trust her, you shouldn't worry about it. My wife LIVES on facebook and myspace. I don't have an account, don't really care to. If I asked her, she would let me go through it, but I don't. My wife also likes to go out with her friends. I will get some of those "worried" moments when they are out, but it's really not a big deal, and I know that they really have no real basis, so you have to get over it.

SO! The question is, what has your wife done that you are getting so worried about her????? :scratchhead:


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## stumped

GPR said:


> OK... Intervention time!!!!
> 
> 
> Psychocandy, this is at least the 3rd thread you started dealing with your wife doing something that is making you nervous, uneasy, jealous, or worried.
> 
> First it was going out with her girlfriends...
> 
> Then to the other couples house...
> 
> Now facebook and texting...
> 
> 
> They are all the same answers. Unless there is a reason for you to not trust her, you shouldn't worry about it. My wife LIVES on facebook and myspace. I don't have an account, don't really care to. If I asked her, she would let me go through it, but I don't. My wife also likes to go out with her friends. I will get some of those "worried" moments when they are out, but it's really not a big deal, and I know that they really have no real basis, so you have to get over it.
> 
> *SO! The question is, what has your wife done that you are getting so worried about her????? *:scratchhead:


Maybe the better question is what has he done that is making him second guess his wife......guilt is a weird thing.

Not accusing you of anything but my husband was acting out because of his guilt of an affair so that is what I am comparing it to.


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## TGolbus

I am not sure I agree with the above posts.....My wife started pulling away and used My Space as a way to connect with other people since we weren't connecting (I was way too into work). These sites allow a fantasy aspect – no life getting in the way, a little anonymous through the internet, etc. This actually left the ground work for my wife to have an affair (we have recovered – moved on and are very happy).
I have learned to believe what I feel. I call it – I know what I know. This isn’t projecting guilt or anything else. If she is spending time on other things, acting in ways that are unusual for her, there is something amiss.


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## Susanne

How about asking her to limit her talking on facebooks or texting on the phone to certain times and by that opening up times for you 2 to spend quality time together.

My hubby and I had the same problems, I was the one spending too much time on the computer not realizing how much it hurt him and made him think there was something more going on than there were...

Susanne


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## GPR

TGolbus said:


> I am not sure I agree with the above posts.....My wife started pulling away and used My Space as a way to connect with other people since we weren't connecting (I was way too into work). These sites allow a fantasy aspect – no life getting in the way, a little anonymous through the internet, etc. This actually left the ground work for my wife to have an affair (we have recovered – moved on and are very happy).
> I have learned to believe what I feel. I call it – I know what I know. This isn’t projecting guilt or anything else. If she is spending time on other things, acting in ways that are unusual for her, there is something amiss.


I agree that MySpace can be a venue for that kind of a thing. 

But MySpace and hanging Friends alone do not make a cheater. That's why I'm asking what else is going on... I would be willing to bet that it wasn't just MySpace that you worried about, it was MySpace + ___________ + ___________ + __________ that started to get you worried. I'm asking what the other blanks are with her? Is she spending less time with you? Changes in her attitudes, Changes in the Intamacy? Etc. etc. etc. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's obvious he's worried, but I think there is more to it than just this.


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## LucyInSC

GPR you are right on. As long as she is not just ignoring her husband and doing this instead of spending time with him there is more to this. A trust issue. A jealousy issue. Something. I wear myself out trying to keep up with my husband's Facebook, cell phone, e-mails. WHY? Because he has lied to me, betrayed me, hidden things from me and threatens to leave me. She is not hiding this from her husband so why does it bother him?


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## psychocandy

mommy22 said:


> RIght there with ya Psychocandy. I hate facebook too! But I guess if your wife's not doing anything wrong then pick your battles. I have friends who are on facebook half the night. Their husbands give up and go to bed. My question: "When do you have sex?" Their answer: "Rarely". Maybe we need a new spot for marriages on the rocks because of facebook!


So looks like I'm no the only one then !!! LOL


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## psychocandy

GPR said:


> OK... Intervention time!!!!
> 
> 
> Psychocandy, this is at least the 3rd thread you started dealing with your wife doing something that is making you nervous, uneasy, jealous, or worried.
> 
> First it was going out with her girlfriends...
> 
> Then to the other couples house...
> 
> Now facebook and texting...
> 
> 
> They are all the same answers. Unless there is a reason for you to not trust her, you shouldn't worry about it. My wife LIVES on facebook and myspace. I don't have an account, don't really care to. If I asked her, she would let me go through it, but I don't. My wife also likes to go out with her friends. I will get some of those "worried" moments when they are out, but it's really not a big deal, and I know that they really have no real basis, so you have to get over it.
> 
> SO! The question is, what has your wife done that you are getting so worried about her????? :scratchhead:


GPR,

To be honest, my wifes done nothing.

As you have worked out I do have issues though! To be honest, I do suffer from depression/anxiety and this also makes me mega paranoid/insecure. Not nice.

I know it sounds like I moan about everything but I just post things here to see what others think. I cant really trust myself sometimes to make an unbiased judgement. 

I'm all too aware of that which is why I ask for advice rather than go off on one and say/do something stupid with my wife...


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## psychocandy

stumped said:


> Maybe the better question is what has he done that is making him second guess his wife......guilt is a weird thing.
> 
> Not accusing you of anything but my husband was acting out because of his guilt of an affair so that is what I am comparing it to.


LOL. nah. I havent done anything HONESTLY !!!!


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## lostluv

The issue here, as others have said, is WHY it bugs you. What is it about facebook, and the other things you have posted about, that bothers you? If it were not an issue, then why would you be asking about it here? As I see it one of teo things are going on...either your wife has given you areason to be nervous or bothered about the things you mention or you are lookig for acceptance in nitpicking the little things.

If the first is true then the two of you need to do some serious relationship discussion and get your marriage back on track. If the later is the truth then you need to stop and, as someone else has said, pick your battles before you lay the groundwork for destroying your marriage by being overbearing and controlling.


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## psychocandy

mommy22 said:


> I have seen what GPR is referring to in your posts, psychocandy. You lay these issues out that are bugging and if anyone points out any issues of concern or something you may want to further explore, you respond by saying it's not an issue.
> 
> Something's bugging you or you wouldn't continue posting about these things. Has she done something to cause your trust to waver? If she hasn't you've gotta trust her. If you start questioning her, she's gonna get defensive and may start doing things you don't want her to do in retaliation.
> 
> If it's the swinger thing, then just tell her: "You know what, I trust you completely. I don't trust the other men that could be there (or whatever your issue with it is). I'm glad you get to go out with your friends and I encourage it, but I'd like to experience this with you."
> 
> If you don't deal with it, your paranoia is going to get the best of you.


No shes not done anything...

I know I need to get a grip of things. Trying !!!!:scratchhead:


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## psychocandy

lostluv said:


> The issue here, as others have said, is WHY it bugs you. What is it about facebook, and the other things you have posted about, that bothers you? If it were not an issue, then why would you be asking about it here? As I see it one of teo things are going on...either your wife has given you areason to be nervous or bothered about the things you mention or you are lookig for acceptance in nitpicking the little things.
> 
> If the first is true then the two of you need to do some serious relationship discussion and get your marriage back on track. If the later is the truth then you need to stop and, as someone else has said, pick your battles before you lay the groundwork for destroying your marriage by being overbearing and controlling.


I agree but in explanation see my recent post replying to GPR.


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## notsotough

I know how you feel. My girl texts all day long. It bugs the heck out of me . I wonder who she is texting and what she is saying but I am not allowed to even ask because I am "controling"


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## psychocandy

Aye. Same here. It just bugs cos I dont know what shes doing...


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## GAsoccerman

psycho...you need to "let go and trust"......

free yourself of this jealous rage that is eating you up inside.

trust me once you do....you will really enjoy life and your wiffe.

trust me, I fought it for years....and won


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## psychocandy

GAsoccerman said:


> psycho...you need to "let go and trust"......
> 
> free yourself of this jealous rage that is eating you up inside.
> 
> trust me once you do....you will really enjoy life and your wiffe.
> 
> trust me, I fought it for years....and won


GA,

do you know what? I think you're dead right.

The thing is as I mentioned before, my wife rarely went out, she always did everything I wanted to be honest. I suppose I had total control.

We had a child, so she was tied down there a bit too. Her Dad died about 6 years too which affected her a bit.

Son is now 5 and, obviously, easier to handle. Shes also got her confidence back, lost a fair bit of weight, and got some friends now.

So, shes at the stage, I think, where she'd like to do things differently, as in, have times with her friends etc. She also seems determined not to be so controlled if you know what I mean.

Its all fair enough, and as you can tell from some of my posts, she's not done anything wrong, just different. I know I need to get used to this and give her some breathing space - its just so hard after all these years...

I've got many books on jealousy etc and most of them are OK but not great. So, you got any tips?

I suppose I post on here because deep down I know what she does is OK behaviour, but a little voice tells I'm being made a fool of, so I look for some common sense on this forum...


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## GAsoccerman

Any tips?? 

no magic potion my firend, it is really up to you.

I was very jealous back in the day, why? becuase I had a girlfriend that cheated on me, I learned not to trust.

My wife, never gave me any reason not to trust her, but I was jealous and it was eating me up inside.

One day I sat there deep in thought....She never did anything to make me jealous, she called me every night, but from my past I was jealous.

So it took ME to get over it, I HAD to trust her in my mind, I had to stop racing it and enjoy life. It was all ME. not her, she never ever gave me a reason to distrust her.

to this day I do not have anything to worry about, we can joke around and be flirty, becuase we know we are for each other.

You just have to get it in your mind to trust her, she has earned it. I am sure she trusts you.


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## psychocandy

OK. Thanks. I just need to be able to do it....

Yeh. She does trust me. Doesnt even cross her mind - EVER...


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## GAsoccerman

here is a good exercise..

Ok your wife is going out with her friends....

Normally you sit there and worry about What if, what if what if... thinking, your brain is going a million miles per hour, you can't think straight, you stress...eating you up.


OK what is...

Wife out having a good time, give wife a call, "hey honey just giving a call to see how things were going?" good thats awesome, have a drink for me enjoy the night, luv ya, bye!" she would love the little call, so will you, but just once for a check in to make sure she arrived safely.

Now you get it out of your mind, go out with the boys, ahve a drink, watch some rugby, etc. Something you enjoy with out your wife or something she would not enjoy.

life is to short to worry about "WHAT IF, worry about WHat is!!!"


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## psychocandy

GAsoccerman said:


> here is a good exercise..
> 
> Ok your wife is going out with her friends....
> 
> Normally you sit there and worry about What if, what if what if... thinking, your brain is going a million miles per hour, you can't think straight, you stress...eating you up.
> 
> 
> OK what is...
> 
> Wife out having a good time, give wife a call, "hey honey just giving a call to see how things were going?" good thats awesome, have a drink for me enjoy the night, luv ya, bye!" she would love the little call, so will you, but just once for a check in to make sure she arrived safely.
> 
> Now you get it out of your mind, go out with the boys, ahve a drink, watch some rugby, etc. Something you enjoy with out your wife or something she would not enjoy.
> 
> life is to short to worry about "WHAT IF, worry about WHat is!!!"



You sound like my CBT consellor !!! LOL.

Yeh. I do occasionally text my wife when shes out to see if shes OK. I try not to overdo it because I guess too much would be construed as checking up on her/hassling her etc. I also try to make sure I tell her to have a nice time rather than sound stressed about it.

To be honest, I'm getting a 'little' better. Not brilliant but better than I was say, a year ago...


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## GAsoccerman

Yea, witht he texting, just be playful and just say, just making sure you made it there ok. 

when my wife is there I'll say, " any hot girls there that can come home to me?" if she says, " no" I reply, " what do you mean baby, I know there is at least one hot redhead there, bring her home to me!LOL " she happily replies, " Sure baby be ready for that redhead!" 

it has her happy and she has a good time....

and looking forward to comming home and getting some love.


Remember she is your wife, not a possesion....She needs trust, flirting and playfulness.


As the saying goes, "all work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy!"

Same goes for marriage.


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## psychocandy

GA,

I muist admit you do talk sense....


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## GPR

The only hint I can give you is to take interest in what she's doing. My wife likes nothing better after she comes home with a night with her friends than to share all of the gossip and whatnot that she heard the night before. Or any drama that she witnessed... guy and girl fighting, etc. 

Don't EVER interrogate her!!! Be interested and make her want to share things with you.

Also, if she's into Facebook, have you ever thought about getting your own active account? My wife loves that place. I don't have an account, but I will sit and look over her shoulder with her and check out other peoples pictures and things.


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## Junebug

GAsoccerman, I have spent 17 years with someone who can't figure out 1% of what you believe... good on ya for working through it. No one likes to not be trusted- especially when they have never done anything to give their spouse a reason not to trust them!!


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## psychocandy

I think after 12 years of marriage I understand my wife about 0.0001% !!!! LOL.


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## ALBHTR

GAsoccerman said:


> psycho...you need to "let go and trust"......
> 
> free yourself of this jealous rage that is eating you up inside.
> 
> trust me once you do....you will really enjoy life and your wiffe.
> 
> trust me, I fought it for years....and won


What did you do to win? How did you overcome this?


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## txryan

Uninterrupted time with your significant other is great, and i feel a lot better, now that I got that time. I'll have to admit, though, that iPhones intrigue me. She even said she'll get me one on my birthday 🎂 in May! Meanwhile, we'll just get closer to God and I'll do my honey dos on my days off... LOL


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## 225985

txryan said:


> Uninterrupted time with your significant other is great, and i feel a lot better, now that I got that time. I'll have to admit, though, that iPhones intrigue me. She even said she'll get me one on my birthday  in May! Meanwhile, we'll just get closer to God and I'll do my honey dos on my days off... LOL



@txryan

Welcome to TAM. Read any post you want. 

But before you reply to a thread, check the dates on the thread, especially the last few posts in the thread. If they are more than a few months old, the original poster probably has moved on.


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## txryan

You know, it used to bother me a lot that my wife got a better phone 📞 than me, but I found other things to do, like this forum, to help others and maybe if I had problems, others could give me advice, too.


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## lifeistooshort

Zombie Thread. 

Closed.


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