# Wife Texting Old Friend



## Purple Cat (Dec 6, 2012)

I would like to get some opinions. My wife and I have been married for 19 years and things have been good for the most part. I have never had concerns about how she interacts with other people. However, about 2 years ago, she went to a funeral of her friend's father. At that time she had not talked about her friend much at all. I guess they started communicating again after the service on Facebook and by text. I did not bother me at first, as we both have friends of the opposite sex that we both talk to on occasion. 

I noticed a while back that she was mentioning him more and more. He has the same name as her former boss and I first thought that is who she was talking about. She does have reason to talk to him on occasion and he sometimes stops by the office now that he is retired. She would mention things like TV show recommendations, opinions on sports teams and such. Then when she was wanting to watch one of those series (which is not the type of show she usually likes), I told her I thought it was strange that her former boss liked that show (not something I would see him watching either) and she mentioned that it was her old friend.

A couple weeks back, while we were talking about some friends who are getting a divorce, she said something about her friend not having much of a sex life because his wife is having "female issues". I told her that I did not think it was appropriate for her to be talking to any other guy about their sex life. She claims that she was only giving him advice. We got in an argument and talked about emotional affairs. She got very mad if I suggested that. We agreed that she can be friends with him but she would limit what they talk about. We also agreed that she would text me when she was bored at work instead. She had some BS reasons why she does not text me (like might be driving, busy at work, or sleeping if on a day off). 

On Friday, I had the day off work. Our sex life has been slow lately with about once a month if I am lucky. So, I talked her in to taking a long lunch and coming home so we could have the house to ourselves and celebrate Valentine's day late. That morning, I told here I felt we needed to connect and asked her to text me if she was bored as I would not be driving or taking a nap (not something I do usually anyway). When she got home, I had roses around our room and some laying on the bed. We had what I thought was a very romantic and sexy afternoon before she went back to work. That afternoon, we exchanged 5 texts about how nice it was and other things. 


Later, I was paying our phone bill and was looking at our family's data usage. I never have looked at texts before but noticed that she had around 2000 texts for the month while our son and I had under 500 and our teen daughter who texts all the time had 1200. So I filtered to only show her number and it only showed the text logs for 10 texts per page. The first 10 pages were all texts between her and her friend on Friday after our time together. There were over 100 texts between them. I then noticed that she had a few texts with him every day - including Valentine's day. Sometimes just a few, sometimes over 100 - all while she is at work. 

To see all the texts and count them, I downloaded the spreadsheet from Verizon. I minimized the spreadsheet but left it open because I was going to talk to her when she was feeling better (had a headache all day). When I was getting dinner for me and my son, my wife got on my computer for a good reason and saw her call logs. Now, she is accusing me of spying on her, making a spreadsheet of who she texts, obsessing, and looking for reasons to cause a problem. 

I have not seen the texts but she claims it was all discussing the Playboy documentary that just came out (I found it strange that she was watching it to begin with) and they were talking about a Chip n Dales podcast that I had only heard her mention (and also found it strange). She says they were not talking about sex but it was more the politics involved and her friend said some disgusting things about women's rights that she needed to correct. Keep in mind, this was over 100 texts between them. I say discussing those documentaries is crossing the line and 100 texts are completely inappropriate. Especially when I asked her that morning to text me if she was bored - she said she did (5 between us).

She says that all of their conversations have been just friendly discussions that are nothing to worry about. She said that the Valentine's day texts were all about how Monday's suck (she had a bad day due to work stuff). She has agreed to stop talking to him but is mad at me for spying and being controlling. Was I wrong for looking at our phone records? Is she being inappropriate?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

No, you weren't wrong, because you suspected something and it turned out you were correct. She's not upset about "spying", she's upset about you finding out the depth of her probable EA. 

Beware, that her saying she'll stop talking to him means changing from text to an untrackable (by you) app.

Why is she even bored at work? Isn't there work to be done?


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

Well no, you're not wrong, and its natural to wonder. However, you have to tell her while you don't want to police her relations with anyone, do make it clear that she's promising that its nothing more than platonic, and you're trusting her on that, however if its not, then consequences for those will be quite severe. Especially when you've provided her with alternatives regarding messaging you and you being open and receptive to her needs for attention.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Yes your wife is being inappropriate. Do not let her persuade, fool or shame you into believing otherwise.

She has had a discussion with the other man about his sex life. Should be no reason for her to take an interest in his sex life while married to you.

She got angry when you mentioned her getting into an emotional affair with this man. Nobody likes to be called out.

You both agreed she can only be friends with him. Your first error. You are in no position to control what she does. Frankly she does not fear any consequences and she obviously does not respect you to worry about jeopardizing the marriage. Even if you had her choose between you and the other man she would choose him. She would of course say she chose you and continue contact with him behind your back.

_first 10 pages were all texts between her and her friend on Friday after our time together. There were over 100 texts between them. I then noticed that she had a few texts with him every day - including Valentine's day. _

This affair is gaining momentum.

_my wife got on my computer for a good reason and saw her call logs. Now, she is accusing me of spying on her, making a spreadsheet of who she texts, obsessing, and looking for reasons to cause a problem._

*It is obvious she has something to hide. She knows it and she knows you know. * Hence the accusations from the cheaters hand book that you are obsessing and spying on her.

_She says that all of their conversations have been just friendly discussions that are nothing to worry about. _All cheaters say this. They all minimize and deny the truth.

_She said that the Valentine's day texts were all about how Monday's suck (she had a bad day due to work stuff). She has agreed to stop talking to him but *is mad at me for spying and being controlling.*_

Further investigation will bring you only more grief. An end to her fantasy is what you need.

If the other man is married contact his wife and advise her of what is going on. Exposure is the quickest way to end this. However your wife will be extremely mad as a result.

*You must act now and going forward as if your marriage is already over. It is well on its way. Be willing to walk away.*

Move your wife into a spare room. Tell you will give her all the privacy she needs. Say nothing more. Pull away from her completely. Do not speak with her unless the topic is related to your children or the household. The same applies to communication by phone. No voice calls and answer only necessary txts. Do nothing for her as you are now. Allow her to get her own meals, alone. You may as well prepare her for what is likely to follow if she continues down this path. If she asks what's wrong tell you are thinking of making some life changes. Say nothing more. Let her figure out what that means. Will this stop her behavior? Unlikely but you do want her to worry.

Speak to a lawyer and see what divorce looks like. Have divorce papers drawn up.

Refuse marriage counselling for now. She will only use that as an opportunity to delay any possible decision to divorce and to solidify her relationship with the other man. She will also use counselling to justify her wayward behavior.

Having a conversation with her will not help you at this moment. You have already attempted that and she has offered you lies. Setting boundaries will also not work as she does not love you, respect you or fear you or any consequences you may apply. She has already gaslighted you about what you have discovered and know and she will continue to do so.

*What your situation requires is firm action from you that blindsides her and tears her fantasy to pieces. * Do not fall prey to her crocodile tears or poor me ploys. You have seen evidence of her affair do not let her convince you it is anything else. Pay attention to her actions, not her words.

The sooner you take real action the sooner you will have resolution. That unfortunately does not necessarily mean she will come to her senses. She may indeed chose to divorce. You can choose to act and have the initiative or you can sit back and watch all of this unfold.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Your first mistake right here:


Purple Cat said:


> I told her that I did not think it was appropriate for her to be talking to any other guy about their sex life. She claims that she was only giving him advice. We got in an argument and talked about emotional affairs. She got very mad if I suggested that. We agreed that she can be friends with him but she would limit what they talk about.


When you know that something is not appropriate happening, you put your foot down ASAP, you tell her to cut them off, and not be friends with them, there is no grey area in there!
But you did the "Weak Doormat Guy" approach and agreed that she can be "*friends*" with him *AFTER* they were caught chatting inappropriately!!
*What were you thinking?!!*

You saw first hand what the "Weak Doormat Guy" approach lead you too, more texts on _Valentine's day _and texts about *Playboy* documentary that you found strange that she was watching it to begin with!!

Here is a recap from what you told us:

She was mentioning him more and more *(Infatuation)*
He sometimes stops by the office *(Physical proximity)*
Starting to watch shows that's not her type or usually likes *(Adjusting behaviour to what this man likes)*
Talk to other guy about their sex life claiming that she was only giving him advice *(Boundaries issues)*
2000 texts for the month *(Emotional connection)*
A married women talking to another man about *Playboy* documentary *(Sexual arousal)*
All behind your back, and she tells you they are* "Just Friends"*... PLEASE!!!



Purple Cat said:


> She has agreed to stop talking to him but is mad at me for *spying and being controlling.*


Oh *being controlling*! The old tactic women use when they get caught and taking away their source of excitement!
There are so many Apps (actually ALL chatting apps) she can use without showing in your phone bell, WhatsApp and Telegram for example!
Even some Apps like "Line" that has auto delete!

Act now before you lose your wife!
Put your foot down, or lose your wife!
Make sure she maintains *No Contact* with him!
Set *Boundaries* going forward so it doesn't repeat with him or any other man!

She's %100 infatuated with him!
I don't think she is done!
So keep your mouth shut and eyes open!
You have a wife that seems board and looking for some new excitement (Butterflies) in her life!


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

How old are your children?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

What Marko Polo said. You must dig further, I would start by demanding to see those texts, she wants to Amp things up with her accusations? Well now it's time for you to Amp up your investigation. Others will chime in with some great ideas, it would be wise to listen.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

This is called an emotional affair and it looks like it's going to become physical if it hasn't already.

I'd say the marriage is likely over. 

Do the 180.

The stay plan is the same as the go plan.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Reason #5624 why women and men cannot be friends.

If you want to cheat proof your marriage or at least reduce the risk of cheating these types of relationships should not be tolerated.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s upset because you caught her. Now she’ll likely find another way to communicate with him (FB or one of the apps for that purpose or maybe even through a game or forum like this which has private messaging). The monitoring has just started.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Your wife is in the midst of an emotional affair, plain and simple. I mean she couldn't even stop texting him on Valentines day. She is gaslighting you to deflect the blame. You have done absolutely nothing wrong by looking at your phone records. You would even be well within you rights to ask to see the texts, every one of them. She should have nothing to hide. If she refuses making claims of privacy, then you have your answer right there. She is saying things to another man that she doesn't want her husband to see. THAT is infidelity.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Your wife is in the midst of an emotional affair, plain and simple. I mean she couldn't even stop texting him on Valentines day. She is gaslighting you to deflect the blame. You have done absolutely nothing wrong by looking at your phone records. You would even be well within you rights to ask to see the texts, every one of them. She should have nothing to hide. If she refuses making claims of privacy, then you have your answer right there. She is saying things to another man that she doesn't want her husband to see. THAT is infidelity.


@Purple Cat To be honest I think you will be lucky if you find that it's ONLY an emotional affair. But it is certainly an EA and most likely has moved to PA since opportunity is there..

Everyone here is giving you good advice.

What are you going to do about it?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Your marriage is over. Take my advice. 

I had the exact experience and 24 months later it resulted in divorce. 

Your wife is lying to you, hiding things, seeking attention from another man, and is talking sex with another man.

Open your eyes and see what's going on here. This only ends one way.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it ain’t an alpaca.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Purple Cat said:


> She claims that she was only giving him advice. We got in an argument and talked about emotional affairs. She got very mad if I suggested that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Look up the term DARVO.

It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse victim and Offender. 

It is an almost universal tactic used by cheaters when their partners are starting to become suspicious and questioning them. 

It is a manipulation tactic to get you to back off and stop snooping into their affairs.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> Look up the term DARVO.
> 
> It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse victim and Offender.
> 
> ...


You stole my post! OP this post by Old Shirt is right on the mark. The ol’ DARVO is standard cheater tactic as he has told you. You better put on your big boy britches and let her know point blank she has a decision to make come clean and tell you the truth, or you are dropping papers on her ASAP!

You cannot be a nice guy in situations such as this. Other posters have given you solid advice. You need to move her out of your bedroom NOW! Secondly, grab her phone, take it so an IT professional and recover all of those texts.NOW!

Your wife as several others has mentioned is in a standard EA, that when she went back to visit two years ago, may very well have started with a “hook-up”. 

As I have said on here way too many times over the last few years, women respect only strength. Not weakness. You sir, started off weak, but you can recovery and finish strong. If you desire to save your marriage you had better consider going “total caveman” on her. 

I would contact POSOM without your wife knowing and go into intel mode and ask him if he has a minute to speak with you. Tell him your wife has been busted by you, you have recovered their texts and read them, and “confessed” that they only screwed one time and that you do not believe her. Ask him to tell you the truth...he may say it was only once.,....then you have your answer. Or, tell your wife you contacted him and he said it only happened once aNd you do not believe him. Ask her. Times like this you have to catch them off guard and knock them off balance. Watch the expression on her face.

My instinct tells me she likely had sex with him when she went to the funeral.

Take the advice of those of us who have been BH’s and learned that a wayward cannot be ”Niced” back to a marriage.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Purple Cat said:


> We agreed that she can be friends with him but she would limit what they talk about.


She needs to go full no contact with this “friend” if she wants to remain married to you. She is in at least an EA. 


Purple Cat said:


> Our sex life has been slow lately with about once a month if I am lucky.


Maybe a PA? Did her sexual energy drop after she reconnected with the “friend”?



Purple Cat said:


> she claims it was all discussing the Playboy documentary that just came out (I found it strange that she was watching it to begin with) and they were talking about a Chip n Dales podcast


Highly inappropriate discussion with someone not a spouse.


Purple Cat said:


> Was I wrong for looking at our phone records? Is she being inappropriate?


No, you are not wrong. Except you havent set hard enough boundaries. If she hasnt been sexual with him I would be surprised. Like maybe Valentines day, her discussions with him were contrasting her experuence with him vs with you. A married couple should be open books, phone records and all. People with no secrets hide nothing.

Your wife has been HIGHLY inappropriate. This is why opposite sex friends are not good for a marriage.

I believe it is probably too late to salvage this marriage, it would be too late for me. She has been 19 years married and heavily involved with another man, lying about it. She was upset because you caught her. 

Prudent to plan for the worst by retaining a good attorney. Let wife know you are strongly considering divorce. If OM is married, contact his spouse to inform her what is going on.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Your wife is in an affair. It will not stop with casual talk and traditional "putting up boundaries". Typically, it takes "Oh, holy crap... this guy is serious" kind of stuff, like going and talking to an attorney about divorce, getting all your ducks in a row, and then sitting down with the wife and letting her know that you are serious about this being a deal-breaker and if she doesn't want to sacrifice her "friend" then you have taken the first steps towards divorce and you outline your plan about your lives moving forward.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

For me, the marriage would be over.

Some people might advise to "take a stance", make her cut this guy off, etc. 

I have hard boundaries about this stuff and for the behaviors you described, I'd be done. She's an adult, she knows what she was doing. That's a lot of texts. For the texting alone I'd be out.

Where do you fall on the deal breaker spectrum?


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

It strongly appears this is an emotional affair..... There is one simple thing to do. Without confrontation or any kind of negative emotions. Just say I would like to read the texts between you two. 

Her attitude and response to this request will tell you everything you need to know.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Find an attorney, draw paper works for divorce. place it on the table and give her a choice, either this family or the guy


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

blackclover3 said:


> Find an attorney, draw paper works for divorce. place it on the table and give her a choice, either this family or the guy


In my opinion I wouldn't let her make that choice, I wouldn't ask her to decide anything anything at all.

If this escalates the way we all know it will, then OP has to first decide what he will and won't live with.
Consult with a lawyer so you know your options.

If you decide to stay with her then lay out the rules of how that should look. She can conform or go.
She only gets to be the decider of only that one thing. Do what you ask or leave the marriage. Nothing else. But don't ask her to choose, tell her the way it is. Her actions will be her choice.

If you decide to D then do that regardless of what she thinks or decides.

Show strength. Kill the old weak you. Find your anger (non-violent of course).


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

it's time to see those texts.........all of them! You're damned right this is at the very least, an emotional affair. I'd strongly suggest contacting his wife to compare notes. Also, consult an attorney.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Text book emotional affair. They are deadly because they usually start out innocent and the participants are in an affair before they even realize it. It is amazing how expecting your partner to stay within normal marital boundaries is portrayed as being controlling. She has to decide if she wants her official marriage with you, or her unofficial marriage with him, unless you don't mind sharing.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I think you and your wife are working from different definitions of “friend.” 😟


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There is an old saying that if you think you might have a mouse in your house, you actually have 10. 

If you find any signs of mice like gnaw marks or droppings or something, you have 50. 

And if you actually see a mouse, you have 100. 

Affairs are much the same way. 

If you have a funny feeling but no actual signs or evidence. There is probably something going on. In fact many affairs that are discovered without question, the BS had no red flags or warning signs at all. 

In fact the majority of affairs are probably never discovered at all. 

So when you have clear cut proof of inappropriate behaviour taking place over TWO YEARS, this is probably at least 10 times worse than is even imagined.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> There is an old saying that if you think you might have a mouse in your house, you actually have 10.
> 
> If you find any signs of mice like gnaw marks or droppings or something, you have 50.
> 
> ...


I doubt if this is just emotional. 

Look at it from the OM's perspective; is a guy going to be engaging in 100s of txts a day if there's not poon involved? 

A guy will do that for awhile if he believes there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...... but TWO YEARS??? 

Mmmmmm no. Once a guy thinks he's barking up the wrong tree, he moves on pretty quick.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sorry you’re here. It’s at least an emotional affair. I would do a deleted text recovery. Right now you are probably in a bit of a shock. My wife would never do that, etc.
Also I really don’t want to invade her privacy, etc.
Get the truth now. You do not want to linger in limbo. People in these situations more often than not lie.
No one that’s married has the privacy to cheat.
Don’t think for a second you finding out or you doing the infamous “pick me dance” will stop this. Or trying to nice her back. He’s inserted himself into you life and marriage. Your wife has let him in.
Id inform his wife after I recovered their texts.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I think you and your wife are working from different definitions of “friend.” 😟


A truth that entails anoher:

"you and your wife are working from different definitions of the relationship between you both"


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

If they’re not intimately involved yet it’s only due to lack of opportunity.
And you’re in a marriage, two as one. Don’t need that kind of privacy. Only reason one would cry violation of privacy would be cause hiding something.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

No married woman in her perceived age bracket ( late 30's -early 40's) exchanges 2000 *plutonic* texts per month with a straight male friend. Just look at the text string for Valentine's Day. If that's not incriminating enough, what is?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

red oak said:


> If they’re not intimately involved yet it’s only due to lack of opportunity.
> And you’re in a marriage, two as one. Don’t need that kind of privacy. Only reason one would cry violation of privacy would be cause hiding something.


Takes very little opportunity. In a car, in the woods, in closet, etc. 1-2 minutes. In 2 years they for sure have had ample opportunity to share sex with one another. As others have said, the funeral is likely the occassion where she got railed the first time. It has been full on since then. The OM hasn't been this involved for kibbles of texting about a series on the tube.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Tested_by_stress said:


> No married woman in her perceived age bracket ( late 30's -early 40's) exchanges 2000 *plutonic* texts per month with a straight male friend. Just look at the text string for Valentine's Day. If that's not incriminating enough, what is?


I am betting she was comparing her husbands abilities with the OM's. They proly laughing at the husbands abilities/endowment/staying power/ whatever. She likely did the OM multiple times on Valentines day, before the husband got in his licks a day or so later.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

They've all said it. There is 100% solid prima facie evidence of an emotional affair. I don't know if it's past that. 

Her behavior, attitude and actions are completely off the M reservation. She in so many ways is carrying on with another man. Start there.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

@Purple Cat ,

I hope your realize what you are facing and can find the intestinal fortitude to rip the band aid off and take action accordingly as several of us who “have been there done that” have advised.

Affairs are like an iceberg 10% you see/know, 90% you can see or know. Before you confront ideally you should recover the texts and read them. You need intel to act smartly and swiftly to bring this crap to a screeching halt.

I went through similar **** in 2015. My FWW was screwing around, sex dried up, attitude towards me changed, she asked for a separation. I just slammed my hand down on the table and told her what a wonderful idea it was went upstairs and brought down her luggage. Said here you go. Let me know where to forward your mail…… she freaked out. Thought I would roll over and leave I guess. Several days later I busted her and POSOM.

I left for six weeks and let her churn in the wind. Long story but we are now in sixth year of R. Had I remained in nice guy mode, I would likely be single now. I took advice of several one here and it was like gold!

The decision how this turns out is up to you. Make a decision that is wise.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The quicker you wake up to reality the better off you’ll be. A lot linger in denial. That’s just a temporary comfort zone.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Do you and your wife live in close proximity to her friend? Have you talked to his wife? Does she know her husband and your wife are communicating so much? I’m sure his wife would have something to say about her hubby telling your wife about her lady problems and the drag it’s causing on their sex life.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I think OP is in shock and awe. Maybe he thought and hoped advice would be more tame, didn’t consider how bad it appears from our side of the screen. 

IMO his wife divorced him awhile ago but didnt bother with the formalities


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Stay alert. Affairs don't usually end this easily. They may just find a different way to communicate. There are lots of options for them. I agree with Captain Obvious.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Sorry you are here.

I agree with the others. It's a no brainer that this is clearly an emotional affair at least and maybe a physical one.

How far does this guy live from you ? That will show you even moreso the probability of this having gone physical.

If she sleeps 7 hours a day, then take 2000 divided by 30 divided by 17 hours and she's averaging texting this guy 4x an hour. Very clearly an emotional affair.

My concern here is 7 fold


There are no boundaries on what they are talking about
They are talking excessively
She is tuning you out
She has ignored your concerns and feelings
You didn't resist her when you had the chance and basically gave your approval for her to talk to this guy. The focus should have been on the level of contact more than the subject matter though that is important too.
DARVO
One of the most frequent times someone cheats is either at empty nest period or at the 20 year mark. Midlife crisis ? Bored doesn't cut it

Ask her what she would think if you texted a former and now current female friend 2000 times in a month while you pulled away from her. She, being the cheater right now, would give an answer which would minimize it but she's broken right now and you can't trust a word that she says.

Marko Polo made a good point. You can't stop her from texting this guy but you can unload consequences for her. Like the laying down of divorce papers in front of her. 

A 180 is risky. It may chase her to this guy but then it may wake her up to what she can potentially lose and drop him hard. Don't let her use her friendship with him as a negotiating tool for you to drop your opposite sex friends because you didn't abuse the marriage like she did.

Do you think anything happened at the funeral date ?

You mentioned the number of texts but not number of phone calls 

If he lives close, what are the differences in your schedules ?

If she's texting this guy 2000 times a month, then she's also abusing your kids by taking her focus off of them too. Are your kids of the age and wisdom where if they saw something, they would tell you ?

I get that everyone in your shoes wants to monitor and one of the old addages is not to confront without proof.because they will DARVO you and also push the affair underground. However, my other theory is that if you take too much time monitoring and this thing hasn't gone physical yet, it may while you are twiddling your thumbs. For many of us, once it goes that far, it's lights out. Also it makes the affair that much more difficult to stop.

If there are phone conversations, consider a VAR if legal in your jurisdiction.
Get a security camera at your house to monitor
Get an app that can recover deleted texts and analyze them
Emails. Monitor her computer
Do online research to find out how to monitor other platforms on the internet or through phones.


Or you can just lay the gauntlet down, take a risk and hope she agrees or slips up.

Once you get the first shred of evidence (which you already have, the excessive phone calls), you could pressure her into a polygraph.

One last note. Once you are able to access her phone and obtain the data, you could run that to a PI (yes it's worth the $) and have them analyze it all for you.

The decision to let her keep in touch with this guy was a big mistake, especially after she showed she couldn't be trusted.

BTW, I hate the term 'old friend'. What does that mean ???? Was it platonic or did it get much deeper than that ?

Update us


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

wmn1 said:


> Marko Polo made a good point. You can't stop her from texting this guy but you can unload consequences for her. *Like the laying down of divorce papers in front of her.*
> 
> A 180 is risky. It may chase her to this guy but then it may wake her up to what she can potentially lose and drop him hard.


This has been going on for awhile. At very best, OP can never trust her again. Rather pointless to do anything except just divorce her at this point.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> This has been going on for awhile. At very best, OP can never trust her again. Rather pointless to do anything except just divorce her at this point.


I see that he has been


Rus47 said:


> This has been going on for awhile. At very best, OP can never trust her again. Rather pointless to do anything except just divorce her at this point.


I see that he has been here since 2012 but has very few posts.

You may be right, Rus


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Purple Cat,

*You wrote.....his wife is having "female issues". I told her that I did not think it was appropriate for her to be talking to any other guy about their sex life. She claims that she was only giving him advice.*

I would speak with the OMW, I suspect she is not having female issues, but has stopped all sex due to OM being a serial cheater or something like that. If it is as innocent as your WW says, then OM will not object to you speaking with OMW, do not warn or threaten just do it.

OMW could also have been fed stories about you, and OM is seen as a saint for helping WW.

Also asking advice from someone is flattering to them and is a classic OM move, along with you understand me, my W doesn't understand me, I'm so glad to have you in my life, your special, etc.

It's entirely ok that you investigated, the only thing you did wrong was to reveal what you found too soon which gave them time to construct a story, hide/destroy evidence and go underground.

I would guess as well the OM was more than a friend years ago, which by itself is an ironclad reason your WW should not be talking with him.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

TAMAT said:


> Purple Cat,
> 
> *You wrote.....his wife is having "female issues". I told her that I did not think it was appropriate for her to be talking to any other guy about their sex life. She claims that she was only giving him advice.*
> 
> ...


yes the OM was more than a friend. This is one of those 'old flame' stories. OP. you haven't responded. What are you going to do about this ??


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## Purple Cat (Dec 6, 2012)

Thank you for all the responses. I have read them but still processing. I was busy most of the day with my daughter. Other than that, have been around my wife. 

She has agreed to not contact him again. We are also shopping for counseling. We argued a good amount and have been cold all day. 

I agree that there was probably more than friendship in the past regardless of what she says. 

I doubt anything physical has happened due to distance and time. But I also did not think there was this much going on. 

Don't have time tonight to give more of an update but will try tomorrow. 



Sent from my SM-G781V using Tapatalk


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Purple Cat said:


> Thank you for all the responses. I have read them but still processing. I was busy most of the day with my daughter. Other than that, have been around my wife.
> 
> She has agreed to not contact him again. We are also shopping for counseling. We argued a good amount and have been cold all day.
> 
> ...


There are programs to recover the deleted texts.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Purple Cat,

I see that you have been a member since 2012, with few posts, which suggests that you may have long standing marital issues, were there other EAs or suspected full blow affairs, which your WW got you to rugsweep?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TAMAT said:


> Purple Cat,
> 
> I see that you have been a member since 2012, with few posts, which suggests that you may have long standing marital issues, were there other EAs or suspected full blow affairs, which your WW got you to rugsweep?


The other threads OP created had nothing to do with marital problems. I think OP just encountered a situation he never thought he would. Lot of people think their life is going along normally only to have their spouse go out and bang their old friend, or the nextdoor neighbor or their coworker. It is a shock. And OP says he "doesn't think it went physical". How many times have I read that on these threads. It will take some time, but he will eventually wake up to reality, maybe 6 months, maybe 12 months from now. His WS can't resist the tug of her OM for very long. 2000 texts without a PA? Sure.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Purple Cat said:


> I doubt anything physical has happened due to distance and time. *But I also did not think there was this much going on.*


Respectfully, it is for your wayward ( yes she is a wayward ), to* PROVE* she didn't do him. What about if you make HER call him on speaker and you listen to the conversation about how innocent they are. But make that a snap call, don't allow them to coordinate their story. It would be good if HIS wife were in on the call as well, might as well make it all one big happy family. If your wife refuses, there is another data point to contemplate. Just remember it is HER that brought things to this point. You are totally innocent.

What do you mean distance? Didn't she meet him at a funeral? What do you mean time? How long do you think a coupling requires? 

It is understandable you want to minimize this because contemplating the reality is just too painful after being married so long in what you thought was a good marriage. And your wayward will be only too happy to help you minimize it, rug sweep, put you back to sleep. What she can't do is defeat the lust she has for the OM. The lust will have it's way. Eventually reality will intrude and the truth will out. Sorry for the spot you are in, it shouldn't happen to anyone.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Purple Cat said:


> Thank you for all the responses. I have read them but still processing. I was busy most of the day with my daughter. Other than that, have been around my wife.
> 
> She has agreed to not contact him again. We are also shopping for counseling. We argued a good amount and have been cold all day.
> 
> ...


Just be advised a lot of marriage counselors are rugsweepers. I doubt the marriage is broken. Just your wife. 
You should read “Not Just Friends” by glass
The reason for the argument is probably because you weren’t supposed to find out and she doesn’t want this to end. Will they stop or go deeper underground? Beware.
You need the full truth. The key is deleted text messages.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Purple Cat said:


> Thank you for all the responses. I have read them but still processing. I was busy most of the day with my daughter. Other than that, have been around my wife.
> 
> She has agreed to not contact him again. We are also shopping for counseling. We argued a good amount and have been cold all day.
> 
> ...


Recover those texts or you'll have no peace of mind.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Recover those texts or you'll have no peace of mind.


How about require the wayward to recover them? I always think the wayward needs to do all of the work if they want to save a marriage. If they dont want to do the work just end it


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

I'm really sorry for the situation you are in.

It's time for you to dig deep and set some boundaries with your wife regarding working on this, counseling etc.

She'll either work on this and own up to it, or she won't. Keep reading this site and you'll find out about trickle truth.

She should show you all the texts, if SHE wants to remain married to you. If she doesn't, she won't, she'll be defensive, she'll shift the blame to you and say you are being controlling, spying on her etc.

Ask her if she'd want this info if you had texted thousands of times for years to a lady. Tell her to quit being defensive when she's the one who is in the wrong.

Do NOT let her dictate things going forward. She will trickle truth you, she will bring up or even make up issues blaming you for things in your marriage, all to deflect blame from her and from what she's done.

Do NOT just go along with this OP. I get you love her and want things to work out, please don't bend over backwards and let her sweep this all under the rug.

I get your scared, emotional, you've had your world turned upside down. Many of us have been in your shoes.

My first husband cheated left and right. I found call logs, hundreds of calls per month, sometimes 15 or more calls a day.

Many on this forum have been in your shoes. We can't un-ring the bell for you on this as it's happened. We just don't want to see you jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

Keep reading this site, other stories. There are ways that are better to go forward trying to save your marriage than others.

Do not be weak, wishy-washy and let her run all over you regarding this. You'll spend the rest of your life wishing you hadn't and that's whether you remain together or not.

If she wants to work on things with you, she'll be an open book for you regarding all of this, why, how long, what was done etc.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Purple Cat said:


> We argued a good amount and have been cold all day.


What was the main argument she had? Blaming you for making her reach out to him? Trying to deny deny deny? Those are typical. Or was it something else?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Purple Cat said:


> Thank you for all the responses. I have read them but still processing. I was busy most of the day with my daughter. Other than that, have been around my wife.
> 
> She has agreed to not contact him again. We are also shopping for counseling. We argued a good amount and have been cold all day.
> 
> ...


Distance and time means nothing. He could easily have slipped in to you locale. Never assume. It happens. Recover and read the texts!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Purple Cat said:


> I would like to get some opinions. My wife and I have been married for 19 years and things have been good for the most part. I have never had concerns about how she interacts with other people. *However, about 2 years ago, she went to a funeral of her friend's father*. At that time she had not talked about her friend much at all. I guess they started communicating again after the service on Facebook and by text. I did not bother me at first, as we both have friends of the opposite sex that we both talk to on occasion.
> 
> I noticed a while back that she was mentioning him more and more. He has the same name as her former boss and I first thought that is who she was talking about. She does have reason to talk to him on occasion and he sometimes stops by the office now that he is retired. She would mention things like TV show recommendations, opinions on sports teams and such. Then when she was wanting to watch one of those series (which is not the type of show she usually likes), I told her I thought it was strange that her former boss liked that show (not something I would see him watching either) and she mentioned that it was her old friend.
> 
> ...


cheaters deflect anger at anyone who calls then on their cheating. They also gaslight. And get super defensive.
Your wife is doing all these things.

Then you have the sex dwindling to nothing.

I think this guy is on her mind, stee are yes on her mind, s as bd you are a nuisance that prevents her from being with him. Once someone starts having romantic feelings for someone else, their feelings for their spouse go to zero.

you have only one chance. File for divorce and blow this dream in her head up. She’s only going to take this underground at this point. She’s addicted to his attention, and to thoughts of romance with him. You are the furthest thing from her mind. Only a strong, emotionless, matter of fact approach in which she firmly believes you will divorce her will shake her up.

Last of all, please don’t be so naive as to think they haven’t met due to distance. People find a way when they want to cheat.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Purple Cat said:


> Thank you for all the responses. I have read them but still processing. I was busy most of the day with my daughter. Other than that, have been around my wife.
> 
> She has agreed to not contact him again. We are also shopping for counseling. We argued a good amount and have been cold all day.
> 
> ...


Remember the iceberg analogy 10% you see....90% lies below the surface. If you do not recover those texts you are setting the table for a good gaslighting by her.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Purple Cat said:


> She has agreed to not contact him again. We are also shopping for counseling. *We argued a good amount and have been cold all day.
> 
> I doubt anything physical has happened due to distance and time.* But I also did not think there was this much going on.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G781V using Tapatalk


She’s the one betraying you but she’s got the nerve to be cold towards you? You better find your anger at such a betrayal. She is not the least bit scared of losing you. Saying that she will not contact OM is an empty gesture, when she will just call him from her work phone to get their stories straight. Also, be on a lookout for a cheap burner phone that she will hide in her car or leave at work.

To much distance and time? Wasn’t he passing by her job? With him being retired, he has the time to pass by for a long lunch of an afternoon delight sure thing. Yes, your wife is a sure thing. Why do you think she has been trickling out duty sex to you? Why is it that you pulling out all the stops for Valentine’s Day got you 4 texts after a supposedly romantic sexy time, while OM was getting so many text that day.

You better get her phone to get the text history and look at the social media. Do not be surprised if she’s sent him sexy pics and is now probably deleting everything. I’ll bet she badmouthed you to OM after having that Valentine’s sex encounter. 2 years is a very Ling time for just an EA when they have access to each other.

You need to get all that info to OM’s betrayed wife. I’ll bet she will be surprised to learn that he’s discussing their sex life and the amount of time he’s spending texting and probably calling your wife. She wil be your best ally. He will throw your wife under the bus so fast to save his marriage.


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## Purple Cat (Dec 6, 2012)

He does not stop by her office, her old boss with the same first name does. At first she would mention OM and I assumed she was talking about her boss. 

I am currently trying to find more information and figure out how to proceed. No texts or calls to him (can't verify other apps yet) but tons to her best friend (female) who I assume she is getting advice. My wife was a little upset that her friend agreed with me and said it looks bad to delete the texts.

We argued again this morning. She yelled which I hate because our kids could probably hear. I asked her to retrieve the deleted texts and she got mad. I then asked if we could write a message for omw together and have her send on FB and she yelled about me controlling who she talks too. 

I saw a question about weather our kids would say something. Our daughter definitely would she and I are very close and she often complains about my wife to me. They argue a lot - teen stuff. She also has told me things in secret and talk often.

Sent from my SM-G781V using Tapatalk


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Your wife's inappropriate behavior has destroyed your trust and also raised the question of her being faithful.

Because of her inappropriate behavior she how has the burden to prove she's been faithful. And because of her inappropriate and deceitful behavior she can't just say: "trust me". 

She has to actually prove it.

For example, by recovering all their texts. In addition, insist she prepare a detailed timeline of their 'relationship' which includes: physical contact, plans to meet, topics discussed (e.g., you?), who initiated - ALL subject to a polygraph test.

Just the threat of a polygraph test tends to discourage further lies and withholding of information. And also sends a message that she's destroyed your trust in her.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Your wife's reaction and attacking you and accusing you of being controlling are typical cheater tactics.

Don't back down. Show zero tolerance for her excuses and behavior.

DO NOT WARN HER THAT YOU ARE GOING TO NOTIFY THE OBS.
JUST DO IT. Otherwise she'll warn him and they'll discredit you.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

A spouse's right to talk to anyone does not include a secret private conversation with a member of the opposite sex (behind your back).


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Purple Cat said:


> He does not stop by her office, her old boss with the same first name does. At first she would mention OM and I assumed she was talking about her boss.
> 
> I am currently trying to find more information and figure out how to proceed. No texts or calls to him (can't verify other apps yet) but tons to her best friend (female) who I assume she is getting advice. My wife was a little upset that her friend agreed with me and said it looks bad to delete the texts.
> 
> ...


Glad to hear she has at least one friend with some common sense. You need to stand your ground and get the gravity of this through to her. You are not asking for anything unreasonable.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Purple Cat said:


> He does not stop by her office, her old boss with the same first name does. At first she would mention OM and I assumed she was talking about her boss.
> 
> I am currently trying to find more information and figure out how to proceed. No texts or calls to him (can't verify other apps yet) but tons to her best friend (female) who I assume she is getting advice. My wife was a little upset that her friend agreed with me and said it looks bad to delete the texts.
> 
> ...


These are all bad signs. She is trying to hold on to her AP and protect him.

Don't give in to her fits of nonsense.
I think you need to escalate to show her how serious this is.
Visit a lawyer for a consult.
Ask her what she wants to keep if you separate.

BUT don't do those things unless you're willing to keep escalating. Don't make empty threats.
She might end up choosing to be with OM rather than you regardless of anything else.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Purple Cat said:


> He does not stop by her office, her old boss with the same first name does.


So she has TWO bf with same name? How convenient. An old boss stopping by her job is also suspicious. Now why would he be doing that??

Your wife is too busy with other men to be married.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Purple Cat said:


> He does not stop by her office, her old boss with the same first name does. At first she would mention OM and I assumed she was talking about her boss.
> 
> I am currently trying to find more information and figure out how to proceed. No texts or calls to him (can't verify other apps yet) but tons to her best friend (female) who I assume she is getting advice. My wife was a little upset that her friend agreed with me and said it looks bad to delete the texts.
> 
> ...


Why do you need her for this?
Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
So far it sounds like you are letting her control you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You haven’t blown up her fantasy world. You’re allowing your fear of losing her to fuel her rage at you for momentarily ending her rainbow unicorn ride with her AP.
It’s super difficult, but you are going to have to summon some strength and smash this.

Asking her to help you construct a letter to OMW is like asking the fox to help you construct a better fence around the henhouse.

Your wife has been cheating on you and you are allowing her to show YOU anger and call YoU “controlling”. She has zero fear of losing you, and my suggestion is you show her what it looks like to lose you. And in reality, you’ve likely already lost her mentally. She isn’t reacting at all like a person who really has invested feelings in you. She’s acting like a lovesick puppy who is really pissed that her relationship with her man is getting interfered with. You’re in her way at this point. She’s not having sex with you, probably doesn’t want to touch you. Be thinking about that the next time she gets bent out of shape. Her phone is blowing up to her buds. Losing her AP os a big deal to her. You? Meh, not so much a problem.

You need to get your own anger about this.


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## AttaBoy (Sep 30, 2018)

Purple Cat said:


> *I am currently trying to find more information and figure out how to proceed. No texts or calls to him (can't verify other apps yet) but tons to her best friend (female) who I assume she is getting advice. My wife was a little upset that her friend agreed with me and said it looks bad to delete the texts.*
> 
> We argued again this morning. She yelled which I hate because our kids could probably hear.* I asked her to retrieve the deleted texts and she got mad. *I then asked if we could write a message for omw together and have her send on FB and she yelled about me controlling who she talks too.
> 
> ...


The bolded is the key to everything. You need to run a text recovery app on her phone and see for yourself. I can almost promise you it is really bad. Your Verizon data should show whether the messages were text, pic, or video. Everything you need to know to determine how to proceed is there. Get those messages.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Stop asking her for anything, just do it. Don't get her permission, her opinion, her thoughts and feelings, just act.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Purple Cat said:


> *He does not stop by her office, her old boss with the same first name does. *At first she would mention OM and I assumed she was talking about her boss.
> 
> I am currently trying to find more information and figure out how to proceed. No texts or calls to him (can't verify other apps yet) but tons to her best friend (female) who I assume she is getting advice. *My wife was a little upset that her friend agreed with me *and said it looks bad to delete the texts.
> 
> ...


Please clarify why her boss is visiting her. Is he visiting the office because he used to work there and is stopping by to talk to everyone or is he stopping by to see your wife?

Your wife's angry outburst and accusations of being controlling she be all the evidence you need to see that OM is very important to her. Your feelings, not so much. She will protect OM at all cost. You can bet she has already warned him from her work that you know. They are now working out logistics on how to take this underground.

It is very common for a WW to not only detach from their husband but sometimes they become antagonistic or very emotionally absent towards their own kids. So don't be so quick to chalk up their emotional distance to the usual teen angst. 

You must not bend to her cries of abuse or cower under the controlling card. You must get those text. Get her phone and take it to a geek who can retreat them for you for under 200 hundred bucks. Want to get any pics that she most likely sent him. Also, you already have enough evidence to expose to the other woman. Let he see the evidence of the number of text they have been exchanging and what they have been discussing. Do not let your wife know. When she blows up at you, that will be the evidence that they are still in contact.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Absolutely call the other man’s wife and blow his world up. He’s already blown up yours, and you don’t fully realize it yet. Whether she’s cheated physically is unimportant. It’s obvious you have been replaced in her mind as her source of emotional support and oerson she likes to share her life with the most, as evidenced by the number of texts on Valentine’s Day and others. You are no longer the object of her affection.

All you are is an appliance that makes everyday life easier. And one that she likely hopes can be replaced. She probably foolishly hoped he’d divorce his wife and be with her serving your purpose as well. Cake eaters love their cake.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

There have already been a lot of really good replies but I wanted to add my two cents because I have been in this exact same situation and now I'm getting a divorce. My ex dated this guy in high school and college and he was the last guy she dated before we met. We got married, but this guy was always looking for an opening, but none really came because we moved out of state. About seven years ago we moved back to the town we met (her ex lives about an hour away) and about four years ago she "bumped into" her ex at a fast food place and, unbeknownst to me, they started chatting. About two years ago my ex finally came clean that she had been talking to him and I told her it was totally inappropriate and she basically needed to choose him or me because this guy was actively trying to break us up based on the messages I had seen. She said she'd stop talking to him and I took her at her word since we have two children. Well, that was a mistake. About a year ago it was obvious she was up to something because our sex life was non-existent, she was suddenly having to go out of town to help family or she'd be gone all day visiting family and it was all a lie to go see this guy. 

Long story short, you are right to be suspicious. I am not one of those people who think people can't be friends with people of the opposite sex or anything like that, but I think being friends with ex's almost always never works out. Invariably, one of the ex's still has feelings for the other, it is easier to become physical because they already know each other, things like that. And I'm not saying that just because of what happened with my ex but also because I've seen this scenario play out with friends and family too. Some people romanticize their ex's and wonder "what if" and the grass suddenly looks a lot greener. I'd be very careful about this and, honestly, your wife should be able to see your side because if the roles were reversed, I guarantee she'd be unhappy about you texting an ex hundreds of times.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Purple Cat said:


> Thank you for all the responses. I have read them but still processing. I was busy most of the day with my daughter. Other than that, have been around my wife.
> 
> She has agreed to not contact him again. We are also shopping for counseling. We argued a good amount and have been cold all day.
> 
> ...


You need to inform OMW about what you found now, on your own. You and OMW should compare notes about what you've found.

The ONLY reason your wife deleted the texts was so YOU would not see their contents.

If I were you, I'd go get her a new phone, and take the one she currently has before she wipes it clean and you lose the chance at recovery.

One thing is for sure, you can't forgive her for what you don't know, and you don't even have half the story here, so don't even think about forgiving her and moving on, yet.

You wife was deceiving you about her communications with another male, including discussions that you verified were about sex. This is no doubt full EA at a minimum. I know thats tough to hear, but you have a lot of investigation to do. Change your mindset so that your are trying to PROVE IT WASN'T A PA. If this level of communication and discussion has been happening for 2 years, statistics are that it was... no guy would put that much effort in without getting something in return.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> if the roles were reversed, I guarantee she'd be unhappy about you texting an ex hundreds of times.


Fully agree that she'd have lost her mind. Is it confirmed that this an EX we are dealing with or just a high school friend? That would up the ante quite a bit.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

re16 said:


> Fully agree that she'd have lost her mind. Is it confirmed that this an EX we are dealing with or just a high school friend? That would up the ante quite a bit.


Good point. When I read the original post, I misread it as his wife is talking to an ex-boyfriend, but now I see he said this guy was an old friend of hers. It doesn't change the fact that the nature of their relationship seems to be inappropriate, but the difference between this guy being an ex or an old friend does matter.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I would also go back and look at any times she was out on her own (girls nights, out of town work trips, you being out of town etc) to see if anything unusual happened. If the texting suddenly stopped on such a day, it may indicate that they were together.

Also, it's common for them to pretend they are working when they are actually taking time off to see their AP, you might notice discrepancies about when she used time off.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’d get the recovered texts. And I would have zero problem with snatching her phone out of hand while she was using it, changing the password, and taking it to a text retrieval expert and getting the truth. And I wouldn’t say a word as I did it other than “we shall see those texts now”.

Your wife will lose it and go bonkers, and that really will be all you need to know. Re16 gave you some good advice above. To think this hasn’t been physical yet is sticking your head in the sand. Guys don’t chat up married women for two years without getting some.

You reaaaaaally need to have a long, private conversation with OMW, although you can be assured AP has already warned his wifey that a man whose cheese slid off his cracker may contact her. Have your phone records handy to text at the very least.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> Good point. When I read the original post, I misread it as his wife is talking to an ex-boyfriend, but now I see he said this guy was an old friend of hers. It doesn't change the fact that the nature of their relationship seems to be inappropriate, but the difference between this guy being an ex or an old friend does matter.


Wouldn’t surprise me if it was an ex but she said it was a friend to throw her husband off the scent. Also wonder how far is too far. We men will definitely drive a few hours for a sure thing. And does anyone here not think his wife would be a sure thing for this guy. If he was an ex, the speed to sex will blow a BH away. It will be like they never stopped.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Purple Cat said:


> He does not stop by her office, her old boss with the same first name does. At first she would mention OM and I assumed she was talking about her boss.
> 
> I am currently trying to find more information and figure out how to proceed. No texts or calls to him (can't verify other apps yet) but tons to her best friend (female) who I assume she is getting advice. My wife was a little upset that her friend agreed with me and said it looks bad to delete the texts.
> 
> ...


Oh she is definitely in an affair. Calling you controlling for wanting to notify OMW.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The anger you’re seeing from her means she’s still deep in the fog. She doesn’t realize the risk she’s taking by not doing everything you ask. Or else she doesn’t believe there’s a risk at all.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

I'm trying to be nice. YOU need to control all the narratives now and you need to deal with reality.

I know you're hurting and your world is upside down. If you want to get your world turned back up right, you don't need to be asking your wife to write a no contact letter with you.

She writes it and shows it to you and you see that it's sent. You blow up her affair, to his spouse, at work and on and on.

If you don't, she will control things and you will find yourself in an even worse predicament than you're already in.

You can't win your wife back by being nice. Do NOT do the pick me dance, you'll hate yourself for years and years if you do that.

Show your wife you mean business, take the bull by the horns. Nothing you do will guarantee that the two of you will make it, but taking the bull by the hors increases your odds immeasurably.


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## Purple Cat (Dec 6, 2012)

We have tired to communicate a little today but I had to stop. I told her that it is hurting me and her reply is that it hurts worse to be wrongly accused. She will not admit that they crossed any lines and wants me to believe that I would not mind the texts - even though she deleted them. 

I found the OMW on Facebook and am working on a message to her. Don't know if she will get the message since we are not friends. I will send it without my wife knowing. I have an idea on how I might be able to recover the texts since we have the same phone model and will try when I have a chance. 

Questions about the boss are going down a wrong path. He is retired but still invested and stops by mainly to talk to the new boss. I have no concerns. The only thing they have in common is the name.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Purple Cat said:


> We have tired to communicate a little today but I had to stop.* I told her that it is hurting me and her reply is that it hurts worse to be wrongly accused.* She will not admit that they crossed any lines and wants me to believe that I would not mind the texts - even though she deleted them.
> 
> I found the OMW on Facebook and am working on a message to her. Don't know if she will get the message since we are not friends. I will send it without my wife knowing. I have an idea on how I might be able to recover the texts since we have the same phone model and will try when I have a chance.
> 
> Questions about the boss are going down a wrong path. He is retired but still invested and stops by mainly to talk to the new boss. I have no concerns. The only thing they have in common is the name.


No problem! She can give you the phone and you can run recovery software! Oh, sorry hun, I accidentally dropped it in the toilet. Silly me…….

she could prove herself innocent with no problem———— if she was.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Purple Cat said:


> We have tired to communicate a little today but I had to stop. I told her that it is hurting me and *her reply is that it hurts worse to be wrongly accused*. She will not admit that they crossed any lines and wants me to believe that I would not mind the texts - even though she deleted them.


Typical cheater gaslighting. This doesn't look good.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Tell your wife that you want to believe she hasn't done anything inappropriate, but if she looked at it from your perspective she would see that every one of her actions is exactly what a guilty person would do. Tell her you are clearly justified to be concerned and her anger toward you makes her look guilty. Ask her point blank if she is 100% committed to your marriage or not.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My philosophy is to never waste your time asking a cheater any questions at all.
A cheater is by definition a person that is willing to lie in order to KEEP the person and the things that person brings to the cheater’s life in place, while additionally get their jollies from the affair partner.
So asking the cheater to go against their nature and tell a truth which might cause the duped spouse to wise up……….. just pointless.

It might be nice to hear that the cheater is 100% in the marriage, but OP as greasy knows that isn’t the case or there wouldn’t be hundreds of deleted texts to another man, missing from her phone.

Next he will hear the typical cheater nonsense of “I just delete all my texts to keep my phone clean.” Surprisingly, the texts from other people rarely if ever get deleted.

If he ever gets the deleted texts (never gonna happen) and he sees the lovey dovey crap she’s been saying and badmouthing of her husband she’s been doing, the next thing out of her mouth will be “well it was never physical” or “we just kissed once”. Uh huh.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Purple Cat said:


> I told her that it is hurting me and her reply is that it hurts worse to be wrongly accused. She will not admit that they crossed any lines and wants me to believe *that I would not mind the texts* - even though she deleted them.


Sorry @Purple Cat for this and usually most times where there is smoke there is fire. Tell her if all is above board that you are going to look into purchasing some software that could recover the deleted texts and if they are as innocent as she claims one she should not have any problem with you retrieving the texts and if they are as innocent as she says and you retrieve them and they are as she said then everything will be great and she should want that as well. Best of luck!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

OP, does she know you post on TAM? Is she "reading your mail"?


Purple Cat said:


> She will not admit that they crossed any lines and wants me to believe that I would not mind the texts - even though she deleted them.


Blame shifting, deflection. You know for a fact if the roles were reversed she would be raising the roof. Just call her on her bluff. Tell her the deleted texts can be retrieved, and since she doesn't mind you reading them ask for her phone so you can retrieve them. The response will tell you everything. You know of course what the response will be.

Have you talked with attorney(s) about possible paths forward? No harm in talking with one, most will give the first consult at no cost. If you consult with three of the best in town, believe it blocks her from using them. It might do you a lot of good.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I’m going to reiterate that you should take her phone and bring it to a specialist who can break into it and retrieve the text and possible pics. The longer you dawdle on this the more time you give for text info to be over written with new data. 

Please do not let her get you to cower I fear of the controlling card. That she so forcefully is it, makes it so much more the reason that you have to get the info. We have so MANY threads where this tactic is used. I think we’ve had about 2 threads that there turned out to be no issue found out of the 100s of times that the BH found that issues were much worse than they feared.

I suspect you’re going to find declarations of love and of wanting to have a future together. If this guy is within a couple of hours drive, they will surely have gotten together over the past 2 years. Speaking of 2 years, do you have access to the phone that she had at the time all of this began?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Her denials are typical of cheaters we see here.

A non-guilty spouse offers to show anything, doesn't care who you contact, and apologizes for doing anything that even vaguely seemed inappropriate.

A guilty spouse gets defensive, blame shifts, minimizes, and counter accuses.

It is obvious what you are dealing with.

Stick with it, don't bother with her words, she is lying to save herself and mad that you are affecting her relationship with her boyfriend.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

This thread should be moved into coping with infidelity...
@MattMatt


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My guess is her phone has been wiped alresdy. I can’t wait to hear her excuse on why that phone has to be factory reset.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Purple Cat said:


> He does not stop by her office, her old boss with the same first name does. At first she would mention OM and I assumed she was talking about her boss.
> 
> I am currently trying to find more information and figure out how to proceed. No texts or calls to him (can't verify other apps yet) but tons to her best friend (female) who I assume she is getting advice. My wife was a little upset that her friend agreed with me and said it looks bad to delete the texts.
> 
> ...


Woo boy! She is wanting to hide the texts from your sir. Unacceptable!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

re16 said:


> This thread should be moved into coping with infidelity...
> @MattMatt


@Purple Cat if you want your thread moved to Coping With Infidelity, please tell me or another moderator and it will be done.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Purple Cat said:


> We have tired to communicate a little today but I had to stop. I told her that it is hurting me and her reply is that it hurts worse to be wrongly accused. She will not admit that they crossed any lines and wants me to believe that I would not mind the texts - even though she deleted them.
> 
> I found the OMW on Facebook and am working on a message to her. Don't know if she will get the message since we are not friends. I will send it without my wife knowing. I have an idea on how I might be able to recover the texts since we have the same phone model and will try when I have a chance.
> 
> Questions about the boss are going down a wrong path. He is retired but still invested and stops by mainly to talk to the new boss. I have no concerns. The only thing they have in common is the name.


Then she won mind you doing a deleted text recovery. Get that done or keep yourself in limbo.
From her actions I can guess the response. Do not tell her deleted texts can be recovered.
You don’t get the full picture of what was going on now you never will.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> @Purple Cat if you want your thread moved to Coping With Infidelity, please tell me or another moderator and it will be done.


I’d move it to private just in case.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Robert22205 said:


> Just the threat of a polygraph test tends to discourage further lies and withholding of information. And also sends a message that she's destroyed your trust in her.


I think the threat of a sure-fire method of recovering text messages might have a similar effect. Offer her a brand-new latest & greatest phone, he gets the old phone, and in the bargain, access to the deleted text messages.

At the same time, she gets complete access to his phone as well. That isn’t an issue hopefully?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Purple Cat said:


> He does not stop by her office, her old boss with the same first name does. At first she would mention OM and I assumed she was talking about her boss.
> 
> I am currently trying to find more information and figure out how to proceed. No texts or calls to him (can't verify other apps yet) but tons to her best friend (female) who I assume she is getting advice. My wife was a little upset that her friend agreed with me and said it looks bad to delete the texts.
> 
> ...


Your job is to contact the POSOMs wife. That can have some positive blowback. Your wife will freak, and get ready for some high octane cheater speak.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

60 plus texts a day to someone of the opposite sex isn't a friendship. It's a relationship.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

OP, how many texts or sexts does your WW send you in a typical day? Week? Month?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tested_by_stress said:


> 60 plus texts a day to someone of the opposite sex isn't a friendship. It's a relationship.


Amen to that


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Your wife is fighting to hard for this not to be a full on affair. She is digging in and trying to justify what she is doing. She has already checked out of the relationship with you.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

What you want to avoid is twelve years later, still being with her and wondering what is the truth. 

Explain that to her, and tell her you need her to hand over the phone so that the truth can be discovered.

Understand that the more she continues to use the phone, the less chance you have of ever being able to recover deleted texts, images etc. That’s just the way file storage, deletion, and overwriting works.

If it’s an iPhone, and it backs up to the cloud, it may be possible to recover deleted things significantly, regardless of the state of “decay” of things “deleted” but still lingering in some form in the phone’s storage.

If you find yourself feeling it’s not possible for her to have done the things that folks have suggested here, force yourself to consider you are really doing later versions of yourself a disservice by failing to look at and accept these things as a real possibility. It’s not the end of the world if any of your worst fears turn out to be true. But it is hell on earth going through life not knowing.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

Tested_by_stress said:


> 60 plus texts a day to someone of the opposite sex isn't a friendship. It's a relationship.


A second Amen to this. In the digital age, if you have a spouse who is constantly on their phone to another person, chances are at least an emotional affair is happening. I know that is broad and a lot of people are glued to their phones, but someone who is sending 60+ texts per day to one person is clearly in a relationship with that person. Honestly, that was one of my first clues before my own divorce.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

I think OP is scared to take action. I was in his shoes six plus years ago. I did not know what I did to deserve what transpired, did not know what course of action to take. Thankfully, several of you still on this site knocked it into my head it was not my fault, and and to rip off the damn band aid and take action to blow it up in her face. Exposure is like spraying Lysol on germs.....it kills the affair.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Purple Cat said:


> I would like to get some opinions. My wife and I have been married for 19 years and things have been good for the most part. I have never had concerns about how she interacts with other people. However, about 2 years ago, she went to a funeral of her friend's father. At that time she had not talked about her friend much at all. I guess they started communicating again after the service on Facebook and by text. I did not bother me at first, as we both have friends of the opposite sex that we both talk to on occasion.
> 
> I noticed a while back that she was mentioning him more and more. He has the same name as her former boss and I first thought that is who she was talking about. She does have reason to talk to him on occasion and he sometimes stops by the office now that he is retired. She would mention things like TV show recommendations, opinions on sports teams and such. Then when she was wanting to watch one of those series (which is not the type of show she usually likes), I told her I thought it was strange that her former boss liked that show (not something I would see him watching either) and she mentioned that it was her old friend.
> 
> ...


No you are not wrong. Every marriage should have a open device policy that at any time one should be able to verify what the other is saying. You are not being nosey for no reason. You have every reason to be concerned. If my wife was doing that, she would be out the door. One day I caught her sending private facebook messages to another guy. First she denied and then came more lies and then the trickle truth. She admitted she sent one inappropriate message but the deleted all but 2 so I couldn't verify.

What you do is match every text between her log and the phone for 1 week - this way if she deletes any you will know. Then you have it all in the open to discuss with her. If you aren't guilty, she should have nothing to hide and be more than willing to let you look. If she becomes defensive then she is hiding something.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

This is going to end badly.

I think OP stumbled onto a full blown EA/PA and I think it's going to come out through his digging.
I know current evidence is weak for PA, but EA + opportunity = PA

My only question is how OP will handle it.

1. Find his man parts and take control?
2. Doormat/Rugsweep.

I'm 40/60 at the moment.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think it’s a full blown affair. All the signs are there. Defensiveness, anger, long pattern of texts, deleting texts, no sex with OP, and more.
The most reliable I didn’t mention: OP thinks she MIGHT be. Pretty much 99% they usually are.
Anyone ever watched “the wedding crashers”???? Will Ferrell discovers a whole new dating frontier to hook up with hotties—- funerals. Apparently that idea is based on reality because I’ve read numerous threads here where an affair started right after a death in the close family of one of the cheaters.

She easily could have hooked up at or not long after that funeral.

I do think this is very likely a physical affair due to the length of time and length of daily texting.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Apparently that idea is based on reality because I’ve read numerous threads here where an affair started right after a death in the close family of one of the cheaters.


There was another guy with a thread where he was tight with his GF until her father died. She reconnected with her ex at the funeral and went back to him.

When emotions are at a high pitch, people are vulnerable to anyone who comforts, consoles, sympathizes. Especially if there is already a bond as in case of OP's WW.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

You are not wrong looking through the phone records. You noticed a ridiculous amount of texts she was sending and curious who she was sending them all to. Her reaction is what's wrong.

"Now, she is accusing me of spying on her, making a spreadsheet of who she texts, obsessing, and looking for reasons to cause a problem."

She is worried because she is guilty of doing wrong. She's been caught out and now blaming you of being possessive etc. If my hubby was concerned I was texting someone too much I would give him my phone to check to reassure him. She got mad because she is lying and has been caught. She should do everything possible to reassure you and not turn it into an argument.

She's possibly cleaning everything off her phone and warned the other man. Tell her you want her phone now and get everything deleted back. Take it to someone who can retrieve everything. 

Sorry this has happened and hope you find out the truth. That is a lot of texts she is sending to another man. You need to retrieve everything.

Wishing you the best.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree with the above post and would add that OP needs this in order to fully understand what his wife has been doing the past 2 yrs so he can move on without second guessing himself.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Purple Cat said:


> We have tired to communicate a little today but I had to stop. I told her that it is hurting me and her reply is that it hurts worse to be wrongly accused. She will not admit that they crossed any lines and wants me to believe that I would not mind the texts - even though she deleted them.
> 
> I found the OMW on Facebook and am working on a message to her. Don't know if she will get the message since we are not friends. I will send it without my wife knowing. I have an idea on how I might be able to recover the texts since we have the same phone model and will try when I have a chance.
> 
> Questions about the boss are going down a wrong path. He is retired but still invested and stops by mainly to talk to the new boss. I have no concerns. The only thing they have in common is the name.


You will not be able to reason with your wife. Frankly she is not capable. She will never confess the truth. Cheating on you proves she does not love or respect you.

*She did not delete the texts because they were innocent in nature.*

Good work sending a message to the OM wife. She will receive it. Whether or not she acts on it is another matter.

If you would like to send a shock wave through your wife's fantasy txt the OM directly. Thank him for involving himself in your marriage and tell him he can have your wife as you can't divorce her fast enough. See whether or not this upends the fantasy for them both. He is retired and I doubt very much he wants to loose half of his retirement or more in divorce. He may decide to drop your wife.

Certainly you have nothing to lose. Your wife has already checked out of the marriage. Even if the OM departs you will unfortunately only be plan B / safety net. Until of course she finds the next man to chase.

Reconciliation with her will be a wasted effort. She will neither do the heavy lifting required nor will she do so because she really wants to. She already made her choice and it was the OM over you.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

marko polo said:


> He is retired and I doubt very much he wants to loose half of his retirement or more in divorce. He may decide to drop your wife.


Yes, even if the OM 'drops her', she will just find another squeeze. And how could OP ever trust her again? The only reason IMO to contact OM is to get the story from his perspective. OP may get way more truth from him than from his WW.

In that regard, if OP is tougher than this retired guy ( likely ), then maybe manage to meet him somewhere and talk directly. Another guy with a thread on here was physically imposing compared to the OM, and met him directly. The OM was scared shytless and told him everything about the affair, apologizing the whole time.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Remember guys, It’s not the OM that’s retired. It is her old boss that has the same name as the OM.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

OP, a couple of VAR's placed in areas where they might pick up a phone conversation between them, would be a good investment. Her car for example.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

@Purple Cat , you MUST do 2 things immediately if you hope to salvage your marriage. 
1. Get into her phone and retrieve the text & social media communication. You have to know what you’re thinking of forgiving. 
2. Expose OM to his betrayed wife. Give her the text history. He will throw your wife under the bus to save his marriage.

Your wife will be angry but do not cower under the controlling card. When she sees how quickly OM drops her, it will jolt her because in her fogged up head, she thinks they’re in wuv. The great majority of WHs, will lose the fake wuving feeling when they’re facing the wrath of their wife. Now you’re wife on the other hand, will be much tougher.

That she has nearly cut you off sexually and has been emotionally indifferent towards you, is a sign that she has detached from you. It takes a lot of work to get a wife to emotionally reconnect with her husband after she has attached herself to another man. But it will never happen as long as she’s still in communication with OM. That’s why you must blow it up.

Also, expose her to her family. Not in a your daughter/sister is a who.. but in a help me fight for the family. They have an interest in making sure their grandson/nephew doesn’t end up in a broken home.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

If she is wrongly accussed -i t's not your fault. Her having a private relationship behind your back with another man (and then deleting the texts that could exonerate her) is the cause. And that's all on her. She should blame herself - not you.

Deleting the texts is evidence that the texting (their relationship) was inappropriate and she knew it then - and knows it now.

Of course she denying ....she's in damage control and will say anything .


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## JackOfSpades (Mar 9, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> And I would have zero problem with snatching her phone out of hand while she was using it


Morally, I'd have no problem with it either. Be careful, though. When I snatched a phone out of my former wife's hand, I ended up getting arrested for domestic violence.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Purple Cat said:


> We have tired to communicate a little today but I had to stop. I told her that it is hurting me and her reply is that it hurts worse to be wrongly accused. She will not admit that they crossed any lines and wants me to believe that I would not mind the texts - even though she deleted them.
> 
> I found the OMW on Facebook and am working on a message to her. Don't know if she will get the message since we are not friends. I will send it without my wife knowing. I have an idea on how I might be able to recover the texts since we have the same phone model and will try when I have a chance.
> 
> Questions about the boss are going down a wrong path. He is retired but still invested and stops by mainly to talk to the new boss. I have no concerns. The only thing they have in common is the name.


@Purple Cat, you're doing it all wrong, she is not owning to what she did, please re-read my reply to you on page 1 : Wife Texting Old Friend


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Kaliber said:


> @Purple Cat, you're doing it all wrong, she is not owning to what she did, please re-read my reply to you on page 1 : Wife Texting Old Friend


Agreed. Strength by showing willingness to end the marriage over the obvious cheating is the only thing that would shake this woman up and possibly have her confessing and wanting to fix her f up. All he’s getting now is stonewalling, lying, no sex, and disrespect.
If OP doesn’t wise up and change his game plan, he will be divorced soon—- which is the best option anyway.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> There was another guy with a thread where he was tight with his GF until her father died. She reconnected with her ex at the funeral and went back to him.
> 
> When emotions are at a high pitch, people are vulnerable to anyone who comforts, consoles, sympathizes. Especially if there is already a bond as in case of OP's WW.


excellent point.
i wonder if similar "events" let our guard down also, such as at a wedding reception when everyone has been drinking, "love is in the air", and you find some long lost friend there when your spouse is not looking.....


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> excellent point.
> i wonder if similar "events" let our guard down also, such as at a wedding reception when* everyone has been drinking*, *"love is in the air"*, and you find some long lost friend there when your spouse is not looking.....


Oh, weddings are legend for "stuff happening". There have been several threads on here were the wife went off to a wedding of one of her friends, encountered an old ( or new ) BF, did him in the parking lot for good measure. 

But a cheater needs no special excuses, because they "do it because they want to". Any opportunity will do.


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## CoastieDadz93 (11 mo ago)

Man first off sorry to hear that, I will give you what I think. The thing about your sex life being less often, first bad sign as this is what happened to me and now going thru a Divorce, sometimes when your married for this long (I know was married over 25yrs) and I didn't recognize the sign's that it was going down hill was the frequent sex and her reactions to it. When we first got married for the first 10-12yrs it was awesome and very passionate, then I noticed it started becoming a routine like when you have to get up to go to work everyday. 

And those text's is another red flag that you have to either get that flag taken down and put yours up permanently. I would avoid any marriage counseling as it basically does nothing and only makes it worse, unless you have Porn problem like I had. Maybe if talking to her about which will probably just end up in denial's and possible lies here and there. You could maybe try surveillance methods first if you haven't already done so like a GPS tracker for the car from Brickhouse Security, they sell that off Ebay for $50 and comes with a strong magnet case to put underneath the car.

I did some of these methods, especially the T-Mobile Data Usage and Text messages, although iphone to iphone does not show up on the phone records only non iphone text's to your wife's cell. You can also I think ask for cell tower pings based on the Data Usage from your carrier, you would have to ask.


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## CoastieDadz93 (11 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Your marriage is over. Take my advice.
> 
> I had the exact experience and 24 months later it resulted in divorce.
> 
> ...


I am agreeing on this also, like you had the same experience there is pattern here. I was in the Military for over 20yrs Retired now and I did Data Analysis for a career and always found there is a pattern to everything, you just have to know where to look and compile it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Purple Cat said:


> I am currently trying to find more information and figure out how to proceed. No texts or calls to him (can't verify other apps yet) but tons to her best friend (female) who I assume she is getting advice. My wife was a little upset that her friend agreed with me and said it looks bad to delete the texts.


Keep an eye on this and keep a look out for communications with other female friends or relatives. 

WW's almost always have co-conspirators and allies that assist them and cover for them and act as go-betweens between them and the OM.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Purple Cat said:


> I found the OMW on Facebook and am working on a message to her. Don't know if she will get the message since we are not friends. I will send it without my wife knowing.


I'm surprised no one has mentioned this yet. 

Yes, absolutely do make attempts to contact the OMW. Do not tell your W about it and do not threaten to do it - just do it. 
If you tell your wife or threaten exposure, she will just warn the OM and they will come up with cover stories and such. 

Even if the OM is keeping an eye on OMW's social media and manages to intercept or block your communication attempts, it will show him that are taking an active role in this and there is a 98.2% chance he will throw your wife under the bus. 

If he tells your wife that you are trying to contact his wife, you wife will be livid but it will also show her that you are taking action and that her little game and fantasy world is falling in all around her. 

Just taking actions doing things rather than just sitting there buying her excuses will have an effect.


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## Sad! (Jan 8, 2022)

Purple Cat said:


> I would like to get some opinions. My wife and I have been married for 19 years and things have been good for the most part. I have never had concerns about how she interacts with other people. However, about 2 years ago, she went to a funeral of her friend's father. At that time she had not talked about her friend much at all. I guess they started communicating again after the service on Facebook and by text. I did not bother me at first, as we both have friends of the opposite sex that we both talk to on occasion.
> 
> I noticed a while back that she was mentioning him more and more. He has the same name as her former boss and I first thought that is who she was talking about. She does have reason to talk to him on occasion and he sometimes stops by the office now that he is retired. She would mention things like TV show recommendations, opinions on sports teams and such. Then when she was wanting to watch one of those series (which is not the type of show she usually likes), I told her I thought it was strange that her former boss liked that show (not something I would see him watching either) and she mentioned that it was her old friend.
> 
> ...


This is what happens in a marriage..when one has friends of the opposite sex..the only friend that a spouse should have..is each other...there's no such thing as friends..both of you need to stop...somewhere along the way..it was bound to happen..you are both wrong..


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## Sad! (Jan 8, 2022)

Purple Cat said:


> I would like to get some opinions. My wife and I have been married for 19 years and things have been good for the most part. I have never had concerns about how she interacts with other people. However, about 2 years ago, she went to a funeral of her friend's father. At that time she had not talked about her friend much at all. I guess they started communicating again after the service on Facebook and by text. I did not bother me at first, as we both have friends of the opposite sex that we both talk to on occasion.
> 
> I noticed a while back that she was mentioning him more and more. He has the same name as her former boss and I first thought that is who she was talking about. She does have reason to talk to him on occasion and he sometimes stops by the office now that he is retired. She would mention things like TV show recommendations, opinions on sports teams and such. Then when she was wanting to watch one of those series (which is not the type of show she usually likes), I told her I thought it was strange that her former boss liked that show (not something I would see him watching either) and she mentioned that it was her old friend.
> 
> ...


That's what happens in a marriage..when one has friends of the opposite sex..the only friend that one should have..is with each other..somewhere along the way..boundaries are crossed..both of you are wrong...


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

marko polo said:


> Yes your wife is being inappropriate. Do not let her persuade, fool or shame you into believing otherwise.
> 
> She has had a discussion with the other man about his sex life. Should be no reason for her to take an interest in his sex life while married to you.
> 
> ...


excellent


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

blackclover3 said:


> Find an attorney, draw paper works for divorce. place it on the table and give her a choice, either this family or the guy


I'm a firm believer of not giving a choice what i mean is this:
1) Give her the divorce papers 
2) Only say i need time to explore my options
3) you are now free to do as your heart desires

remember she needs to want to be with you her-choice your not her dad
- needs to realize what she was soo easily willing to throw away - nothing like a shot of reality and complete 180
any attempt on your part sends the wrong message. your spouse needs to know you will walk !! all it takes is for the boundaries to be crossed just a little.. i find this always safeguards couples when they are tempted .. and if they succumb to temptation you know in your heart its because they wanted to and where willing to throw the family and marriage away ..and in essence have made the choice for u easy because you know they did what they did knowing exactly what the consequences would be and choose still to do it!!!

When someone cheats its a choice and there is nothing you can do to stop anybody from doing what they want.. Marriage is never about policing and if it comes that , then maybe its time to realize and walk the walk which is i will be out as soon as the boundaries are compromised just a little !! no questions asked.. 
i think that's the problem today in marriage lack of consequences and spouces not willing to stand their ground..

Im almost 100% convinced if your spouse knows without a doubt you will leave taking that chance to cheat brings the reality that in doing so everything will change.. But if the spouse knows it doesnt matter if they do cheat / or have an emotinal affair to satisy their selfish desires then why STOP- why not play with it just a little - its only harmful fun - play with fire NAD not expect to get burn SMH ( the one that doesnt cheat will say to themselves i wont enrtain those temptation because marriage is sacred, i love my spouse, i could never violate trust and hurt them that way) notice the difference .. 

ANd isnt the person your married too your best friend the one you are to be totally intimate with so why ever bring another person of the opposite sex in the picture to steal the intimacy that was for your spuse only!!!! thats the boundary of marriage never policing


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

QuietGuy said:


> Text book emotional affair. They are deadly because they usually start out innocent and the participants are in an affair before they even realize it. It is amazing how expecting your partner to stay within normal marital boundaries is portrayed as being controlling. She has to decide if she wants her official marriage with you, or her unofficial marriage with him, unless you don't mind sharing.


i agree but it never starts out innocent why do i say that because why even let it starts thats the question!!!! we are al tempted and we all know its never innocent. why should i as a married person even be entertaining that ??

i think the whole innocent thing has to stop its not high school.. i mean what justification is there !!! its only innocent if the thought " would my spouse be upset or hurt" never crossed ther mind . we are human so it does and if at the beginning the thought came and the answer was i dont know to me that still means dont simple !!! its not complicated .


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

QuietGuy said:


> Text book emotional affair. They are deadly because they usually start out innocent and the participants are in an affair before they even realize it. It is amazing how expecting your partner to stay within normal marital boundaries is portrayed as being controlling. She has to decide if she wants her official marriage with you, or her unofficial marriage with him, unless you don't mind sharing.


THE fact is he voiced his concerns that he didnt like it as a spouse should do if somthing bothers them and what was action/response she didint care and continued Enough SAID!!! 2yrs really okay


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## truststone (8 mo ago)

Purple Cat said:


> He does not stop by her office, her old boss with the same first name does. At first she would mention OM and I assumed she was talking about her boss.
> 
> I am currently trying to find more information and figure out how to proceed. No texts or calls to him (can't verify other apps yet) but tons to her best friend (female) who I assume she is getting advice. My wife was a little upset that her friend agreed with me and said it looks bad to delete the texts.
> 
> ...


this is the problem when you just rush to believe and start counseling- rugsweep . they play the blame game which eases guilt and shifts blame to you . and you have done nothing except fight for you marriage .. just look at the actions always and ignore what one says..why the need to talk to him if it upsets you and causes problems at homebase ? seriously ask yourself why , whose getting priority?

Im still confused why are you so afraid of letting the OS know ? 
has she cheated on you before?
why are you so eagerly letting her talk all over you ??? 
why is she mad if there is nothing to hid thnik about it, if your spouse accused you of cheating how would you react your action- Again the key is actions . you would be transparent not deleting or fighting 

this is the problem with how you have proceeded she isnt scared of loosing you thats it!! And since she isnt she is free to do whatever she wants whenever and with whoever and she has just done that!!! because she knows there will never be any significant consequences

I would of gobe to IC first why did you choose couple first ... we have all been there and coupes wont fix anything especially when you have no idea what needs to be fixed except what you think you have uncovered


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