# Wedding with partner and the ex wife problem



## Marydee (Sep 13, 2013)

My partner's nephew is getting married in 4 months and this is causing problems!! His daughters mother - his ex wife - knew his family for 25 years and the problem is that we cant both be at the wedding (I have reached out an olive branch to her to meet etc but she has refused) He has basically asked me that if it comes to it that I 'step back' and take the moral higher ground for the sake of the girls, as they will be upset if their mother cannot be at the wedding, but I suspect if she said to them it wasnt a problem we wouldnt be having this problem. I told him I was now his partner and it is HIS nephew getting married so surely I would be asked. He said probably but most likely she will be too and one of us has to back down. After other issues as mentioned before re his daughters and their mother,I am exhausted and furious. I would step back for the sake of the girls but am tired of it all, and angry that it should be me to step back when I am his partner! have we any hope? and can i really end an otherwise good relationship because of a wedding ... but it is the principle and I have not yet been to any of his family weddings (we were in a distance relationship for 2 and half years and have lived together now for 5 months). Am I wrong in thinking that any new partner - whether man or woman - would want to or accept to stay away from the current partners family wedding so that the ex can go..!??


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I don't understand if the nephew invites you, why you can't go?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I don't understand either. How long has he been divorced? Why won't the ex meet you? How can there be hard feelings if you have never met?


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## Marydee (Sep 13, 2013)

Because if I go then the ex wife cant go (as she clearly cant deal with her ex husband having a new partner). If thats the case then my partners daughters are going to be v upset that their mother cannot go! My partner is worried of the effect it will have on his daughers if their mother is not present - she is a bit unstable - and would make a big fuss of not being able to go and this would cause his daughters great angst.


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## Marydee (Sep 13, 2013)

He has been divorced for 4 years. We all used to live in the same town years ago and I knew her to say hi to, she was not a close friend. She made the girls and their fathers life a misery with manipulation and high drama and has undoubtably 'damaged' them somewhat. They, I think, still live in fear of her outburst potential..


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Marydee said:


> Because if I go then the ex wife cant go (as she clearly cant deal with her ex husband having a new partner). If thats the case then my partners daughters are going to be v upset that their mother cannot go! My partner is worried of the effect it will have on his daughers if their mother is not present - she is a bit unstable - and would make a big fuss of not being able to go and this would cause his daughters great angst.


I understand how this upsets you. However, if the ex is unstable & upset that her ex has a partner to the point of boycotting her nephew's wedding if you were to go, then I would rather stay home. I wouldn't want to upset my partner's daughters. 

Remember this is the nephew's big day. Best not to add drama to it. I would graciously bow out given the circumstances here.


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## Marydee (Sep 13, 2013)

I understand what you are saying and have done exactly that on many occasions over the last 2 and half years. However, I am finding it very difficult to do it yet again, especially as we are living together and have taken (our already serious) relationship to an even more committed level. How many more times will I have to bow out of occasions, and this is HIS family. Why cant she be the one for a change, to feel left out.. I understand what you are saying Emerald and I so want to be able to do that, again, but have run out of patience and think it terribly unfair...I am still considering but I think it has damaged how I feel about my partner,even though I know he is doing it to protect his daughters..


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Marydee, I understand where you are coming from. It is hurtful and your guy should stand up for you. I think things would be a lot different if not for his girls. As an adult, and their father, he really needs to put them first - and he is. I give him big kudos for this. Also as an adult, you need to put his girls first. You have been doing this and you get big kudos.

Unfortunately with blended families, this is what can happen. You chose a guy with an ex with problems and girls that need to come first. So this puts you a bit down the line. Do you have children? As a mother, for me, watching a father protect his children like this would make me more attracted to him.

It sounds like you have a good relationship other than this issue. This issue is also not going to go away. Can you look at it the way he does? Can you put his daughters needs to have peace in a broken family first?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Marydee said:


> I understand what you are saying and have done exactly that on many occasions over the last 2 and half years. However, I am finding it very difficult to do it yet again, especially as we are living together and have taken (our already serious) relationship to an even more committed level. How many more times will I have to bow out of occasions, and this is HIS family. Why cant she be the one for a change, to feel left out.. I understand what you are saying Emerald and I so want to be able to do that, again, but have run out of patience and think it terribly unfair...I am still considering but I think it has damaged how I feel about my partner,even though I know he is doing it to protect his daughters..


Do you have children?

I have 2 adult daughters & divorced their father & now have a new husband with 2 adult sons.

If my husband wants to go to a family event where his ex would be present & his sons did not want me there due to potential drama with their mother, I wouldn't even want to go.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

JustHer said:


> Marydee, I understand where you are coming from. It is hurtful and your guy should stand up for you. I think things would be a lot different if not for his girls. As an adult, and their father, he really needs to put them first - and he is. I give him big kudos for this. Also as an adult, you need to put his girls first. You have been doing this and you get big kudos.
> 
> Unfortunately with blended families, this is what can happen. You chose a guy with an ex with problems and girls that need to come first. So this puts you a bit down the line. Do you have children? As a mother, for me, watching a father protect his children like this would make me more attracted to him.
> 
> It sounds like you have a good relationship other than this issue. This issue is also not going to go away. Can you look at it the way he does? Can you put his daughters needs to have peace in a broken family first?


I disagree. His girls are adults, not children. When will he ever be able to have a real relationship with Marydee or anyone else for that matter if he always has to bow to the feelings of his adult daughters?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> I disagree. His girls are adults, not children. When will he ever be able to have a real relationship with Marydee or anyone else for that matter if he always has to bow to the feelings of his adult daughters?


I don't see an age on the "girls", as she is referring to them, so I am assuming they are still underage.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

JustHer said:


> I don't see an age on the "girls", as she is referring to them, so I am assuming they are still underage.


Good catch. How old are his daughters?

Also, what are the specific events that you are not welcome at besides this upcoming wedding?

OP, I do understand your frustration. You SHOULD be welcome at all of your man's family events as his partner. People need to shelve their bitterness & resentments & learn how to get along. It is sad that one bitter, unstable person can create so much drama.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

JustHer said:


> I don't see an age on the "girls", as she is referring to them, so I am assuming they are still underage.



They're adults. From another thread (which seems to be a different situation, but similar vein) by the OP:



Marydee said:


> I have been with my partner in a distance relationship for nearly 3 years. I moved over to live with him 4 months ago. He has 2 daughters from his previous marriage aged 19 and 21 both at university.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Well, my response is still the same. Children cannot grow up with an unstable mother, be "damaged", as the OP stated, and all of a sudden be fine just because they turned 18. I have 5 children, 3 of whom are of the adult age. It takes a while for them to come unto themselves with a "normal" upbringing. 

The one person these "girls" should be able to turn to for womanly advice, and all other "talks" is their mother, and she is the one who screwed them up and keeps stirring the pot.

I was raised in a less than normal situation. I was 30 when my H and I moved out of my families state. One of the reasons I chose to do this was to get away from my manipulative mother. Even at 30 I had a hard time not being pulled into her drama. I know from experience that these two "girls" are not going to be strong enough to handle her for many years to come.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

This is double drama...

The ex is obviously a drama queen and weddings usually bring out the BEST in people like that.

If I was invited I would go. If this woman makes a remark about you or causes issues it's on her not you.

My stbx and I had serious issues in our relationship BUT a lot of them were fueled by his family. They were from a totally different culture and I was often treated like a leper.

I got sick of dealing with it. So eventually I would pick the situations I would go to. If I was you I would buy a nice dress, get all pretty.. and GO. Ignore the XW and tell your H that you are not the one causing the drama.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

JustHer said:


> Well, my response is still the same. Children cannot grow up with an unstable mother, be "damaged", as the OP stated, and all of a sudden be fine just because they turned 18. I have 5 children, 3 of whom are of the adult age. It takes a while for them to come unto themselves with a "normal" upbringing.
> 
> The one person these "girls" should be able to turn to for womanly advice, and all other "talks" is their mother, and she is the one who screwed them up and keeps stirring the pot.
> 
> I was raised in a less than normal situation. I was 30 when my H and I moved out of my families state. One of the reasons I chose to do this was to get away from my manipulative mother. Even at 30 I had a hard time not being pulled into her drama. *I know from experience that these two "girls" are not going to be strong enough to handle her for many years to come.*


So his ex-wife is going to dictate what events he can take his new SO to indefintely? Is that what you're suggesting?

If that's your point, and I'm not sure that it is, I disagree with you. He will never be able to move on from his divorce as long as his ex-wife is able to control him this way. 

He needs to take her behavior out of the equation, it's not under his control nor is he responsible for it. Right now his daughters are forcing him to consider his ex-wife's feelings above Marydees feelings. If that's allowed to continue it spells the doom of their relationship.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Nucking Futs said:


> So his ex-wife is going to dictate what events he can take his new SO to indefintely? Is that what you're suggesting?
> 
> If that's your point, and I'm not sure that it is, I disagree with you. He will never be able to move on from his divorce as long as his ex-wife is able to control him this way.
> 
> He needs to take her behavior out of the equation, it's not under his control nor is he responsible for it. Right now his daughters are forcing him to consider his ex-wife's feelings above Marydees feelings. If that's allowed to continue it spells the doom of their relationship.


:iagree:

The ex wife should be completely OUT of this equation. If Marydee was invited HE should be concerned about her feelings and set his ex straight about this.

100% agree this is DOOM.

I was in an abusive relationship, and another way in which my STBX loved to control me is by letting his family trample all over me, like I was worthless.

My stbx's sister got married and it looks like they are on the path of doom too.. since she is taking the family's word over her new husbands.

There is a point where you form a NEW family with the person you are with.. and they need to come first.


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## Marydee (Sep 13, 2013)

Seems to be some mixed responses and thank you for all of them. I have to see if I can reconcile the situation and 'stand back'...very difficult for me as I said because I have done it so many times in the past and have yet to be at a family wedding or occasion (his) due to exactly this, will it ever go away...? maybe not, maybe erodes over time..just getting it very hard to agree to it this time again as it hurts me so much. I have considered ending the relationship. I was and am very welcomed by his siblings, they are very fond of me but also caught in a situation..


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## Marydee (Sep 13, 2013)

Bunny.,.. I agree and it is incredibly hurtful and I feel im being 'manipulated and controlled' into agreeing when I feel on principle it is very very wrong. I had posted an earlier thread about Christmas.. there was also aggro about Christmas day, yet again to do with how their mother would feel and how this will affect his girls. this has been resolved somewhat but now the issue of the wedding also has also pushed me into ending the relationship...


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Marydee, I absolutely don't think this should go on forever, but at 18, she is still young and shouldn't have to put up with this because her mom is nuts and her parents divorced. She is the one that is going to have to listen to her mom go on and on. Perhaps in a year or so the girls will be more independent, dad and you could spend more time with them building a relationship and friendships.

has your SO discussed this with his girls or is he assuming it will be hard on them? If he talks with the girls and they don't have a problem with it - as far as being able to handle all the drama from mom - then go. Let the chips fall where they may.

The girls did not chose any of this, but you and SO did. As long as the rest of the relationship was good, he was not putting his ex first or putting himself in a "family situation" with ex and girls without you - if it was me, I would step back in these few occasions because I would know he was doing it for his girls and for no other reason.

But - that is me.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Ex wife needs to grow up and act civil, step daughters need to grow up and realize that their mother needs help and that they need to stop endulging her tantrums. Your husband needs to man up and tell them this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Marydee said:


> Because *if I go then the ex wife cant go *(as she clearly cant deal with her ex husband having a new partner). If thats the case then my partners daughters are going to be v upset that their mother cannot go! My partner is worried of the effect it will have on his daughers if their mother is not present - she is a bit unstable - and would make a big fuss of not being able to go and this would cause his daughters great angst.


She CAN go. She would be CHOOSING not to go. There's a difference, and his daughters are old enough to understand the difference. And they're old enough to understand that dad has been divorced for 4 years, has moved on and is trying to develop a life with you. 

Expecting you to pretend you aren't an important part of his life is unfair to you and is wrong. It merely indulges his ex-wife in her crazy, and encourages her to continue being unreasonable and throwing tantrums because she gets her way when she does it. It's time he man-up and support YOU, the woman in his life.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Book a trip to Hawaii hot yourself for the weekend of the wedding. And when you're there, don't call to check in.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Ahhh man 

I'm the second wife and the young wife so you can imagine the talk of the town. LOL I totally understand where you are coming from and frankly your hubby needs to grow a pair and the girls are grown they need to umm grow up.

From what you said you have been doing this already for 21/2 years already that is totally not cool. This is about control for her and he is not with her anymore and for goodness sake it has been four years! He is not obligated to her anymore especially since they are divorced and their children are grown up.

This is about her having her way and not dealing with the fact that she probably messed up her marriage and takes it out on you, you are a constant reminder that your husband has moved on and she hasn't dealt with that and possible might still have feelings for him and if that is not the case it is purely a control factor.

My husband went through the same thing with his ex his ex who is very very toxic wanted to com around the family and he said he didn't want her around because she is negative and she is rude to me and he is not having it. So the family didn't want to let go so they wanted her to come around so he said fine if she keeps coming around I won't be here. His ex even tried to invite him to events without me and he told her Kris is with me if she can't go I'm not going either.

I asked him if he was ok and he said he couldn't be happier how he looks at it is he divorced his ex for a reason what is the point if she always going to try to hang around and try to be rude to me? He stood up for me because I'm his wife. And it also shows her that she does not dictate to him what goes on in his life. There is always a choice. 

And truth be told it was awkward having her there she would try to start fights give me attitude and I held back a whole lot because I wanted to show the kids that someone can be a adult and set a good example. Now guess who is calling us wanting us to come by? The family. We say no thank you and do our own thing. Your husband needs to take a stand and if he is not going to do that than in all honesty there are only two things you can do put up with it or walk away.

I'm sorry you are going through this it is hard being the second wife trust me I know. Hang in there. And don't be afraid to put your husband in his place, and tell him that you are not ok always taking the back seat that is not what you wanted in marriage marriage is about compromise.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Just because xw doesn't want to move on that shouldn't be his problem. I mean come on 1 year eh maybe, but 4 years screw that move on biotch. He shouldn't go to the wedding either and make a statement but it sounds like he's lacking huevos so...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

And to top it off it's his family not hers?:wtf::banghead:


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Book a trip to Hawaii hot yourself for the weekend of the wedding. And when you're there, don't call to check in.


Or vegas!:smthumbup:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This is a question of manners. 

His nephew so he gets the invite that says Mr. OP and Guest; minor daughters of Mr. OP. I'm not seeing how his ex wife, 4 years ex wife, gets an invite. THAT right there is the problem.

As Mablance said, if she is invited, she can either act like a grown up or act like an ass. Whatever she decides is up to her.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> This is a question of manners.
> 
> His nephew so he gets the invite that says Mr. OP and Guest; minor daughters of Mr. OP. I'm not seeing how his ex wife, 4 years ex wife, gets an invite. THAT right there is the problem.
> 
> As Mablance said, if she is invited, she can either act like a grown up or act like an ass. Whatever she decides is up to her.


:iagree: She's not part of that side of the family anymore that's just how it is she shouldn't have been invited useless drama.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

His ex-w is holding Marydee's partner hostage over their GROWN daughters. If he hasn't been able to man-up in FOUR years when is he planning to?

Will Marydee have to miss the girls' college graduations? Their weddings? The grandkids (wouldn't want to "scar" them, either)? Really...when will the cr*p end?

It will only end when/if Marydee's partner decides that HE runs his own life and that his daughters are old enough and wise enough to understand that all three of them are being 'played' by Mommy-Dearest!

Marydee...After YEARS of this at this point, I think you should make THIS WEDDING your last stand! If he is NOT going to stand up to his ex-w at this point, if he is NOT going to demand that his GROWN-UP daughters see this manipulation for what it really is....then you can give up on EVER having your rightful place in his life!

Like I said, Mommy-Dearest will ALWAYS have some excuse about *why* it's not the RIGHT TIME for you to be at a family function (graduation, wedding, birth, etc.)

You CAN do better, and you SHOULD!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> His ex-w is holding Marydee's partner hostage over their GROWN daughters. If he hasn't been able to man-up in FOUR years when is he planning to?
> 
> Will she have to miss their college graduations? Their weddings? The grandkids (wouldn't want to "scar" them, either)? Really...when will the cr*p end?
> 
> ...


:iagree: I remember that movie about Joan Crawford-mommy dearest that was bizarre.


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## ImaBasketcase (Oct 9, 2012)

> His daughters mother - his ex wife - knew his family for 25 years


Maybe the ex-wife got an invite because she had a 25 year history with his family. She is the mother of two of the granddaughters/nieces/etc of this family and perhaps had a meaningful relationship with them. We don't know. 

The point is, it's not about the OP (or the ex-wife) -- it's about the nephew. It's his wedding and he can invite whomever he wants. If it were me, I would step back and do whatever I could to ensure a peaceful day for the newly wedded couple, and feel good in the end knowing that I could put my own feelings aside for the sake of my partner's family.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ImaBasketcase said:


> Maybe the ex-wife got an invite because she had a 25 year history with his family. She is the mother of two of the granddaughters/nieces/etc of this family and perhaps had a meaningful relationship with them. We don't know.
> 
> The point is, it's not about the OP (or the ex-wife) -- it's about the nephew. It's his wedding and he can invite whomever he wants. If it were me, I would step back and do whatever I could to ensure a peaceful day for the newly wedded couple, and feel good in the end knowing that I could put my own feelings aside for the sake of my partner's family.


He's been divorced 4 years though. When is it time to move on.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Bottom line.. 

If your partner is asking you to bow out to make his ex feel better and his daughters feel better.. .ie, one big happy nuclear family.. 

RUN FOR THE HILLS

I speak from experience. 

If he can not or will not say to anyone that you have a special place in his life that is deserving of respect, you will get no respect. 

RUN FOR THE HILLS

That fact that FOUR YEARS after the divorce the ex wife is saying she won't attend a NEPHEWS wedding b/c YOU are there and the family "gets it" 

RUN FOR THE HILLS

That is a whole lot of dysfunction going on.. You are in for nothing but drama and heartbreak.. 

It is NOT wrong to feel hurt by this. It is NOT wrong to think this is weird.. B/c I have news for you.. That 18 and 21 year old, will be dictating your relationship from now, to kingdom come.. in the interest of "making them feel comfortable"

FOUR YEARS...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

browneyes74 said:


> Bottom line..
> 
> If your partner is asking you to bow out to make his ex feel better and his daughters feel better.. .ie, one big happy nuclear family..
> 
> ...


Uh spot on:iagree:


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The one who should be stepping back so as not to create useless drama is the EX WIFE!! I understand the 25 year history with the family, and as such I understand her being invited. That's fine. That doesn't give her the right to dictate who else is invited though.

Marydee, go to the wedding. Be graceful, courteous and hold your tongue if you have to, but go.

You are NOT responsible if the ex wife makes a scene. She is. If there is a scene and drama caused, it is NOT because you are there...it is because SHE cannot control her own behaviour.

This is bs. You are the partner, she is the ex. I would not put up with this. You need to show your partner this thread.

Seriously. Do not let the ex wife or the GROWN daughters dictate your relationship. Seriously. How long will it take for the "girls" to feel comfortable. When they're 20? 30? 40????


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