# Where is this going?



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Bravenewworld's "Keeping Your Rebounds Classy?" thread has inspired this one:

When dating, about when do you start asking and/or wondering where it's going?

Do you bring it up? Or let the person you are dating bring it up?

By which date do you think you have an idea if you want to pursue or not? 

Is it something that happens slowly for you? Or quickly? (This knowing of whether or not to pursue)?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm really bad about this. I immediately wonder where it's going from first contact. I admit I'm looking for a LTR so that's why I look at it from that perspective; I've been told by others that I should really just date for the enjoyment of the company and stop thinking about it so much and I might be pleasantly surprised.

However, I do have a daughter and as I am getting to know the guy I'm constantly evaluating whether he's good partner material and if he's good with kids/teens and I immediately wonder if my Dad will like him. Is that wondering where it's going or just normal filtering process?

I try to give it time and quiet the thoughts, tho. I usually know "absolutely not" the first date. If it's "maybe" I'll continue for another date or two. By the end of the third date I know for sure if I want to continue seeing him or not. That doesn't mean I know for sure that there is potential, however. I just haven't hit the "NO" yet and I'm giving things time to evolve.

I've taken a dating sabbatical and maybe I'll be ready to jump back in next year. Now just isn't a good time with surgery and holidays.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm really bad about this. I immediately wonder where it's going from first contact. * I admit I'm looking for a LTR* so that's why I look at it from that perspective; I've been told by others that I should really just date for the enjoyment of the company and stop thinking about it so much and I might be pleasantly surprised.


Do you mean you admit this to them (the person you are dating) or just in general? 



EnjoliWoman said:


> Is that wondering where it's going or just normal filtering process?


i think it is when you actually like the person and realize there could be potential. I rarely find myself "wondering about where its going" if I am not into someone. I could take or leave them in t hose cases.

I think for me, the tricky party is that I don't want to rush anything and yet I do kind of wonder (only if I like someone though). So it's weird trying to find a balance. When do you think it's ok to ask or bring it up without sounding too pushy? Or clingy? See? If a man comes at me superfast saying he wants to be serious or wants a relationship and we barely know eachother, that kind of turns me off.

And honestly, it is rare that I actually like someone. It does not happen very often for me. That I can imagine a real relationship developing. 



EnjoliWoman said:


> By the end of the third date I know for sure if I want to continue seeing him or not.


Three dates seems like a good number to know whether you'd be into someone or not. 

I think it's good that you consider how this person may get along with your child because that is a big deal. So that is smart of you.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

No, I don't admit it to them although it is in my profile that I'm looking for LTR. I don't start talking commitment or marriage LOL

I'm just wondering if the fact that I'm specifically seeking a LTR is the reason why I tend to analyze relationship potential from the get-go. I try to not let the GUY know that - it's all internal. Unless I'm sending out scary vibes. 

The longest I've dated one guy is 9 months. It was at that point that I started really wondering where it was going and saw it wasn't going anywhere and broke it off. That was the one who came back saying he couldn't stop thinking about me all of these years then went all P/A on me when I said he didn't listen very well! LOL Good initial call, obviously!

Up til then I may wonder/imagine/dream of where it's going but I don't vocalize it. I've never gotten to the point a guy leaves a toothbrush or meets my parents.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm just wondering if the fact that I'm specifically seeking a LTR is the reason why I tend to analyze relationship potential from the get-go.


I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing. It means you know what you want. The trick is finding someone who's on the same page as you.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

The trick is _always_ finding someone on the same page as you! We all want what we want, it's just finding a counterpart that takes a little trial and error.

I think when we date, we're constantly evaluating compatibility. That's what dating is. As we get to know someone more and more we're always looking to see if our interests are common, our habits compatible, our outlooks the same. It's a constantly evolving process that I don't think you can generally determine in 5 dates or less. You can certainly eliminate big dealbreaker-type things in that time period and it's definitely a time where if things aren't relatively smooth and easy, it's best to bail. I think the problem is when you're focused on "is this someone I could marry" versus "is this someone I want to spend more time with" from the first contact. And yes--I think that often comes across as a vibe, at least I've picked up a vibe like that and run superduperspeedyfast from guys that give it off.

Now, I will probably get shot down by the guys for this, but I think that anything that weighs on your mind is worth discussing in a relationship. I see no value in waiting until a guy asks me if I want to be exclusive or where our relationship is going. If I want to know those things, I bring it up. I'm just not good at being coy  I will say though, unlike a lot of people on here, I think I'm worlds better at dating than I am at being in a relationship. I'm not a head-over-heels kind of girl though, which I think has a lot to do with it. Things like "love" or even "really like" come very slowly with me. Things such as "like" or "I want to know more about you" are much easier.

I don't think you can put arbitrary timelines on any of these stages though. It's just not realistic to lay out your expectations on some kind of timeline and say you'll have sex by X, "the Talk" by Y and commit or leave by Z. I think you'll just know it when you see it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> I will say though, unlike a lot of people on here, I think I'm worlds better at dating than I am at being in a relationship.


Haha. I like this. 

yeah, it's better to e direct with people about how you feel. In the beginning of dating there is always that sort of, questioning though.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

It's really true though. I'm in month 9 with my BF and it's a bit of a struggle. And it's all on me. He's great, chemistry is great, we have a blast together. We're on the same page about where we're headed relationship-wise. Luckily we're both pretty independent people, but it's still been a challenge for me to let him more and more into my life.

I really think you're overthinking something that hasn't happened yet. I get where you're at, I really do. But so much of it all depends on how the interaction between you and your potential beau flows. You just have to trust your gut. Don't discount the big red flags or alarm bells. But at the same time, be willing to just see where things go. You'll trip things up sometimes and learn for next time. It's just the nature of the process. But I can guarantee you that no matter how much you think and plan and strategize for what you'll do when--once another person is involved it will all go out the window. Do what makes you happy and makes you feel comfortable and you'll be fine. If you're just thinking about "what ifs" and a bunch of rules and guidelines, you'll miss out on the fun of it all!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> It's really true though. I'm in month 9 with my BF and it's a bit of a struggle. And it's all on me. He's great, chemistry is great, we have a blast together. We're on the same page about where we're headed relationship-wise. Luckily we're both pretty independent people, but it's still been a challenge for me to let him more and more into my life.


Well it is good that you recognize that it's "all on you" which means you are self-aware. As long as you are communicating with him, then that sounds good, about where you are at. And you said it seems you may be on the same page about where it's going so that is good, too.

And I agree that planning is really stupid. With my ex, the "talk" really did not happen. Then one day we were hanging out and I was like, "Are we boyfriend and girlfriend? Are we hanging out?" I seriously didn't know and he laughed and said "you are my girlfriend" and that's it. It all seemed so effortless.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> And I agree that planning is really stupid. With my ex, the "talk" really did not happen. Then one day we were hanging out and I was like, "Are we boyfriend and girlfriend? Are we hanging out?" I seriously didn't know and he laughed and said "you are my girlfriend" and that's it. It all seemed so effortless.


How old were you when you met your ex? I find that in college and very shortly after that, it was so easy to go from 'hanging out' to boyfriend/girlfriend. Probably because we all did a lot of hanging out with a big group that was probably pairing up in general. At a later point, we just don't socialize that way. Even if you have a huge circle of friends, it seems like most socializing is with at most 4-6 people. Makes dating a new and different game.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I always wonder this and it gives me anxiety. Do I want this? Does he want this? Are we right for each other? Is this just a booty call? 

However, in my case I think it stems from anxiety and insecurity rather than a genuine need for an LTR. I'm trying to learn how to date and be ok with just enjoying myself and the company of other's without wondering where the road is going to end.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> How old were you when you met your ex?


Young. Early 20s.



COGypsy said:


> At a later point, we just don't socialize that way. Even if you have a huge circle of friends, it seems like most socializing is with at most 4-6 people. Makes dating a new and different game.


Agreed!



bravenewworld said:


> I always wonder this and it gives me anxiety. Do I want this? Does he want this? Are we right for each other? Is this just a booty call?


Lol. I think all of that is normal. And that last part is a big part of why i don't think it's wise to sleep with someone before you fee ready or like you're on the same page... I don't want to be anyone's booty call and I am really not interested in being _Friends with Benefits._ No, thanks. I am simply not built that way.



bravenewworld said:


> I'm trying to learn how to date and be ok with just enjoying myself and the company of other's without wondering where the road is going to end.


That's the key. I am going to treat dating as an experiment.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My 2 cents is that you you just dont tie emotional outcomes to the first few dates.

Me? I don't think about where its going. Don't care. I dont tie where my heart is at to an outcome or length of time.

You cant get the brass ring if you arent willing to take a risk and be vulnerable. Which also means you risk being hurt.

And ... the terms you think you are operating under, are subject to change.

Had a relationship this past summer. We loved each other. It was wonderful. We were talking long term. But ... as it turned out, she had to bow out. 
Another thing I recommend ... if someone tells you they cant be in the relationship anymore, dont ask them 'Why?'
To me, the why doesnt matter. What matters is they had the balls to tell me that they cant stay, for whatever reason.

Ask yourself why you need to know where its going. Seriously, because if you look deep enough it is likely about fear and uncertainty. If you can find a way to get past those, you focus on just ' being' and enjoying and experiencing.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

To answer Jelly's initial question; the answer is 10 weeks.

In that timeframe you will know if you are exclusive. You will know if this is someone you can love. If you haven't been intimate up to this point, odds are you have discussed it, and are likely chomping at the bit. You will know if you want to know more, if they are a 'fit' for you, or if you need to let them go.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Deejo said:


> You cant get the brass ring if you arent willing to take a risk and be vulnerable. Which also means you risk being hurt.


:iagree:



Deejo said:


> Another thing I recommend ... if someone tells you they cant be in the relationship anymore, don't ask them 'Why?'


Totally agree. In fact, I think people who spend time askin and trying to undo it make it a LOT worse.

Waste of time.



Deejo said:


> Ask yourself why you need to know where its going. Seriously, because if you look deep enough it is likely about fear and uncertainty. If you can find a way to get past those, you focus on just ' being' and enjoying and experiencing.


Disagree. At some point, in every relationship, people are goign to wonder where it's going and/or bring it up. That's not fear and uncertainty. It's wanting to know if you and someone else are on the same page. Communication = great.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

My approach has been to take it in stages. I'm not asking a question like, "Where do you see us in five years?"

On the first or second dates, I'm letting them know I'm not really looking for anything serious. I'm not interested in finding a new wife.

About 2 months into my relationship with current GF, we talked about not seeing other people, no discussion of the future, just that we were going to be exclusive. Mostly because we were having regular sex and didn't want to be whoring around, and we both liked eachother quite a bit.

About 5 months after that we had our "Will this work long term talk?" That was kind of the point where we talked about if we could work out long term or if we should break it off.

I felt the pace was pretty good and we weren't having protracted discussions about it, it all seemed very natural.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That seems like a good pace of things, Co. How long did you wait til you slept together, if you don't mind my asking...?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> That seems like a good pace of things, Co. How long did you wait til you slept together, if you don't mind my asking...?


It was about 6 dates, somewhere around a month.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Word


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

Dating is HARD I think. In the past I was always like...should I bring up exclusive ect??? too soon or what. Here's been my experience. 

There's guys that want the cookie...No exclusive thou. They claim they been married sooo long that they want to see what's out there. There's guys who say they want to be exclusive later to find out they lied. 

I think for me...I WILL know when it's truly right. It will happen without me THINKING so hard about it.  Until then...next please.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

For me it isn't so much of "where is it going" but more of "what type of relationship do I think this man is good for?"

I had a FWB, was great fun but it was purely friendship and sex, no emotional bond or love. Neither of us had plans for where the relationship was going, we made it clear that it was for one purpose only, no future.

Have had various men that I knew there was no need to think about the future with as they did not fit my criteria eg, financially secure.

Met Mr H and I knew immediately that even though my head was saying that I did not want a LTR with anyone at that stage, he was a man that I really wanted in my life. Neither of us were thinking of getting into anything serious but wham it happened and it is something neither of us wants to stop. 2 years down the track and we are making plans for the next step in our lives together.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

2galsmom said:


> Make sure you include a complete psych eval with your financially secure criteria, also an MRI and CAT scan of the brain.
> 
> I think there is a lot to be said for NOT thinking about where it is going, how can you tell the future? Did you ever think you would be posting at TAM? You are trying to "control" it to some extent. Just look for a quality person with integrity to spend time with and let go.
> 
> Silly sex quizzes are not going to get you a guarantee of ANYTHING either.


Guessing this is a reply to me as I mentioned financially secure as a criteria for a LTR. I have never dated a nutter but I would pick it up pretty quick if they were one.

Anyway I DO have criteria for a man that is worthy of a LTR, it sits well with me and that is the only thing that matters, not what others think. I have a lot to protect and no way would I get serious about a man that was not financially secure.


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