# Looking for help and advice



## Moby_Medic (Apr 28, 2009)

Let me start by saying I'm not too sure if this is the best place to put this. Anyway the past 6 months of my life have really turned both my life and my marriage upside down and inside out. It started last December when I was diagnosed with stage 2 testicular cancer. A long six months later I'm in remission and doing well. 

The reason I'm here is to ask for hopefully someone who has been in my shoes and can guide me through this very rough patch I'm in.

The first and maybe the biggest issue I'm struggling with right now is that me and my wife will never have children of our own. Before my diagnosis we had tried for three years. Just before we found out I had cancer our best friends who swore off ever having kids announced that they where expecting. I was devastated to say the least but more determined. Needless to say I was later diagnosed with cancer.

I have been struggling trying to make sense of it all. But that's not why I'm here. Im here because I feel like something is wrong with me. Since my diagnosis I have avoided being around people with kids including our friends who just had there baby. We went to hospital the day after she delivered. I had to sit in the waiting room while my wife went back.

Every time I think about them I can't help but feel this deep hatred for them. I just want them to suffer the way I have, the way me and my have. I know it's wrong and irrational. I just can't help that they seem to have it all. 

We lost our savings to pay for the treatment. The same savings we had put away for the past few years as a down payment for a house. We lost the chance at children. Even adoption is out of reach right now. Most agency's won't even consider us due to the cancer or at least not till I've been cancer free for 5 years. The ones that would consider us are going to cost us at least 15,000 to 20,000. Money we don't have considering I work as a paramedic and my wife as an assistant manager.

I'm even getting to the point of hating my wife for even spending time with her friends with kids. Part of it is that I know even of she won't admit it to me she hurts just as much. I can tell that that she's upset after listening to her friends complain about their kids. The other part is I feel like it's my chance to make her best friend suffer by making her deal with everything on her own.

Like I said I know I'm being very irrational and even a down right *******. 

I want help dealing with my feelings. I don't want to lose our friends. Or the chance to be part of their child's life because it maybe the only one I get.

Thanks for any help or words of wisdom that you can give me.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Wow. Where to start?

You've been dealt a crushing blow from life. Yet, you have some positives that you may have never anticipated. You have surmounted cancer. Quite impressive, that.

You have a wife, and stable marriage. A huge blessing and support platform. You and your wife are able to cover your expenses, and come out above water.

Sometimes the image of family and children can be so engrossing, it seems like a "must". Its really not. You have a family already. You're part of it. Use it for all its worth. If you are childless, you will be the rare couple that is able to help when some children can really benefit from someone who takes an interest in them for who they are, not just because of biology. 

Doubtless their will be children among your family that you can help, mentor, play with and enjoy. You can find your niche if you look for it.

Everywhere you look are kids that need guidance and help, and parents that need a hand sometimes. The two are tough to place together, but with some observation and effort, you could be the one.

One day all kids grow up and move on. Its over in a blink. What's left? That's what you're working on now.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I’m sorry for all that you have been going through. You will struggle to try to figure out why, why you. There is no reason. Life’s a crap shoot. Sometimes you lose. Sometimes it sucks.

I think I know what you are going through and pretty much what you are feeling because I went through something similar years ago. I’ll share it here.

I went through something that had the same end result. In 1986 I was pregnant with twins. It was a bad pregnancy. I was so sick during the pregnancy that I lost 25 lbs that I did not have to lose. And that was with the babies too. I went into labor a bit early. One morning I woke up and just did not feel well. By the end of the day I was in the hospital, both twins had died before birth. I actually watched their little hearts stop beating during an ultrasound.

Then things got worse. The short story is that I hemorrhaged very badly. All of this caused a bad infection which lasted for about 6 weeks. In the end my fallopian tubes were so scared that I could never get pregnant again.

Believe me I struggled with why this happened. I was angry. I was sad. I was depressed. I probably cycled through every emotion known to man at least a dozen times… a day.

Like you I could not be around anyone with children. One of my brothers and his wife had their 6th child while I was still trying to recuperate physically. The invited the entire family (my family is huge) over to see the new baby and to have a bbq. I went but I had to leave almost immediately. I remember family members making comments about what was wrong with me. “Shouldn’t you be over that by now?” The good thing is that I never decked the large number of people who made such stupid comments.

When friends would start talking about their kids I’d just fall apart. It’s not something I wanted to do, it would just happen. I got to the point where as soon as it was clear that the conversation was moving towards children I’d just leave before I lost it. I did not want to make anyone feel badly. But I had no control over the fact that I would just fall apart.

I was not only mourning the loss of the twins, but the fact that I could never have children. 

I ended up seeing a doctor. Well actually when I refused to leave the house anymore a friend came and got me and made me go to the doctor. I was put on meds for anxiety attacks. I only needed those for a few weeks. Then eventually I went into a very deep depression and had to get on anti-depressants to pull out of it.

Right now you are in a very bad place. I recognize it. I’ve been there. You need to get to a doctor, tell them what is going on. It sounds like this has thrown you into a serious clinic depression. You will not be able to get out of this without help. 

Right now concentrate on getting over this anger. You are grieving the loss of all your potential children. You need to work through the stages of grief. Anger is defiantly one of the stages.

After a few weeks, when you are feeling better emotionally you can explore alternative ways to have children.

I’m reluctant to tell you the rest of the story as we did adopt a baby who is now 24. But will only share more on that if you are up to it.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You can't always have what you want. Simple as that.

Focus on the positives of not having kids and go on living what's left of your life.

Good luck


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

EleGirl said:


> Right now you are in a very bad place. I recognize it. I’ve been there. You need to get to a doctor, tell them what is going on. It sounds like this has thrown you into a serious clinic depression. You will not be able to get out of this without help.


You need to look for help. This is too much to deal with by yourself. This would send anyone into a depression.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> You need to look for help. This is too much to deal with by yourself. This would send anyone into a depression.


Yep, this is not the kind of situation that a person can get a pep talk and then feel ok. 


I hope that Moby_Medic check back in with us. I've been wondering a lot about how he's doing.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Agree with the above. Life has handed you a very hard turn. But its also a sign that you can live your life differently. 
You are indeed mouring. The loss of your vision of family.

I found that my vision of family took a major hit when she left...but it can be done in other ways. Adoption in a while, foster kids, being super uncle...

I applaud your awareness and you DO have a right to be angry, but you need to deal with it. If you dont, you will be stuck in it forever...and nobody wants to be around an angry person all the time. 
That said...I wish you a very cancer free rest of your life.


----------

