# How can I ever be certain?



## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

My H cheated once, that I know of, a one off moment of madness which it seems according to him and OW my H tried but couldn't go through with fully. 

He stopped her doing what she was doing (BJ) he says literally a couple of minutes at most, he never 'finished'...... he told her to stop and get out of the car.

OW i have had contact with, but my husband hasn't, he doesn't know how to contact her as this happened 3 years previous and she left his place of work within weeks of this happening. 

Emails etc back this up.

I am still struggling, a year since DD. (and it happened 3 years before DD) I can forgive this one of cheat, as it seems he came to his senses, however I am struggling with the 'what if's?' 

I am one of those women who needs all the facts in order to move forward, and of his cheat I feel i have the facts and truth, however i can't be sure i know he has never done anything like this before or since. Although i trust him now not to do anything again, he knows how close he came to losing his world!

My H is quite high up in the company he works for and has no choice but stay away from home, not often, maybe once or twice a year. Sales conference type thing. where after the meeting they all go out and get p!ssed and he's usually worse for wear the following day when he comes home.

He hasn't ever been great at contacting me when he's on these work do's, phoning, txting...which never really stressed me too much. Never bothered me because i trusted him 99.9% to never let me down or jeopordise our lovely marriage.

Last year, before i found out he 'cheated' he went away to London, conference, meal and drinks in club later till the early hours. I know he shared a room with a male colleague. I can see email confirmation of things like that as I have access to emails.

Alarm bells rang when i went to laundry and his clothes were a mess. His shirt wet and covered in wine, which made me look closer at his other garments. His undies had what I can only believe to be 'come' in them, quite a lot! Now this is before i found out he cheated. I was shocked but didn't show him or say anything initially. WHY? God only knows.

However a few days later I asked him why his undies looked like they had 'come' in them (sorry for being so frank) he totally looked shocked and said he had no idea. Its eating me up...., ....what explanation could there be for this mess in his pants?

Even though we are R and totally together this is needling me and wont go away. He knows it bothers me and from time to time it rears its head, but still he insists he has no idea and has never ventured into any explanation or theory. Other than maybe he had a wet dream?

He has 2 such sales conferences coming up, one in our home town and one down south. Should i expect him to come home after the local one? even though he has a room booked and his bosses will expect him to stay. He did say he wouldn't stay over at the local one but that was weeks ago and I said he should. But now I'm rattling and its triggering me off. I don't want to force him to come home, but feel he should just know he should, especially as I'm feeling crappy again. He has no choice but to stay at the other one as its hundreds of miles away.

Should i be concerned that maybe he hasn't given me 100% truth or was this really a one off, or is it damage limitation and he wouldn't ever tell me what i don't already know about for fear it will make things worse?

On DD he tried to lie and say nothing ever happened, but he had no choice in the end but to tell me as I had made contact with OW. So its in him to lie and cover up if he feels his ass is on the line, but i guess that's natural under the circumstances.

I'm so confused, i only want the truth, i would still be working through R, but i feel i can't if i don't know everything. He knows without doubt if i ever find anything out from past or future and he hasn't disclosed it we are over, no second chances.

I would really appreciate some advice and thoughts on my dilemma.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

Sorry you are here. It sounds like you caught the situation early.

Maybe he went to a strip club and got a lap dance and completed without removing his pants.(I know conventions and BNO include this sort of thing)
I've heard of this happening and I think it would be embarrassing so he maybe spilled a drink on himself to cover it up.

Maybe... Just guessing.

Do you approve of strip clubs? Would he tell you if he went or would he expect you to be upset if you knew he was even there?


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Yeah that's what I thought, there was a renowned lap dance club right around the corner from hotel....before I knew he cheated I would have Been upset that he end up somewhere like that, as I still feel lusting after another in this was as betrayal. However, I would prefer to think it was from a lap dance than a physical cheat with a Colleague or ONS.

I have asked the question and he flatly refuses he went to lap dance.

I read on another male colleagues FB someone asked the question did you go to 'lap dance club' name I won't mention, but it never got answered!

But why would my H continue to lie about it if he knows I would prefer the truth, even if he did go to lapdance club if it would give me peace and ability to move on. I have said this to him and still he insists he never did anything other than what I already know.

Thanks


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Honesty and peace of mind is most important thing to me now, having the truth. I can't stand thinking he could be lying to me still. I need a fresh start all skeletons out of the closet.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I am sorry to say that we can never be certain again. I think we just get to a point where we a just comfortable enough to love whole heartedly, but still leary.

I am guessing he got a lap dance and finished in his pants. He might be afraid to admit it. Did you discuss what stuff you are comfortable with him doing after the affair? Is a strip club okay with you?

If not, this might be the time to talk.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I don't think that one can ever be certain. In my own case, I asked my FWH if he ever said he loved the OW. His affair happened in '07, and he told me in '09. The original DDay was in '07. From the evidence that I found, it heavily suggested that he did, and I believe he did.

It could be that he is afraid of the backlash of him telling the whole truth. This could come in the disguise of holding back the truth to protect you (as my husband did). 

I found that you always assume the worse. If a cheater says they hugged, they kiss. If they kiss, they did worse.

He cheated, and it is his weight to bear answering the questions that you have. Maybe, sit down and hash it all out. I found writing a question and placing it in a bowl every week helped me. We took an hour out of the week to answer the question.

Also, I found that MC helped with my "What Ifs." Also, I checked his emails, his phones, the keylogger until I felt safe enough.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Hi Underwater

This happened last year in Feb (work conference), but i only found out about the cheat in September (year this past week) I didn't find out about the cheat until 3 years later.

we didn't ever discuss before the cheat what was ok and what wasn't as he never socialised without me, except work conferences and i never thought he'd end up somewhere like that with work to be honest.

It isn't his scene really, if he went it would be a one off, but he's denying it anyway, in fact he's even gone so far as to say "i wish i had gone so i could tell you that, but i didn't."

Maybe i'm being hypersensitive, maybe it was a wet dream? his only explanation. I wish I'd shown him the bloody pants so he could see why I'm mithered by it!

Thanks


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

It is really surprising to find out what a lot of men do at work conferences. Women too. I do know that alot of salesmen and contractors have lunch at a place called the Tilted Kilt out here. (A little less classy than Hooters). Many hang out at the bars and strip clubs. All under the guise of "Wining and Dining" their customers. I know that prior to the affair I would have trusted him 100% at a strip club. Now, it would bother me.

I say chalk this one up to a wet dream. Just keep your eyes and ears open. Hopefully he will prove you wrong.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Hi Writer

So did you find out your H had an affair and then later he admitted that he loved OW?

I'm sure, even though they have been outed, and we now know they have cheated they still wish to minimise the damage...in all truth I would too, if i was caught doing something completely wrong.

I guess the biggest problem I am having at this stage, 12 months on from DD is if he still has secrets of a similar nature....because i know he simply does not have the capacity or trust in my love to be 100% honest if he feels it will make things worse. It might make things worse in the short term, but in the long term i personally need to feel i have a clean slate to move forward. There is something niggling at me and it wont go away and yet i have nothing to go on, just the knowledge he ended up in a car with a colleague after work attempting to do something he should never have done.

I cant trust my own judgement any more, how can I? the man I loved for 20 years, whom i trusted would not do this to me, i feel i don't really know. He has another side now that i never realised existed. How could i not know? So this is where I'm at.

I fear there is nothing in the world now that will ever make him admit or confess to anything else he might have done, why rake up something i don't know about

...doesn't help that he really struggles to open up. He will answer questions and we do hash it out and talk all the time, but he never seems to put enough into trying to convince me...I'd be screaming and crying and begging to be believed...he simply looks uncomfortable, awkward and like he just wants me to stop going on and it will all go away. But it wont.

He's away next week for a night and i'm dreading it!

Thanks


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