# Need Advice on an Affair



## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

I hope I can get some good advice, as I am not sure where else to go. I have made a huge mess of my life and relationship, and I do not know what to do. I and 33 years old and have been married for 5 years, no children. For the most part the marriage has been good. We have had some tough times over the past six months, though, but I never even thought about straying or leaving. Then, about three months ago I met a friend/coworker of my husband's and was instantly attracted to him. We became friends on our own due to mutual interests, and started hanging out a few times. At first it was just flirtation but became more than that. We have only been intimate once. I feel horrible and guilty, but I have also developed major feelings for this guy. I also love my husband and do not want to hurt him. We recently ended the affair and decided to remain friends (this was more his decision, as he said he was not content with having an affair and wanted a real relationship that did not have to be hidden), but this broke my heart and I am having trouble moving on. I do not know if I should just deal with and work on my marriage or if I should leave my marriage to pursue something further. I am afraid of hurting my husband, and also of destroying our life together, which has been very comfortable and nice. I also do not want to end up alone or make the wrong decision. The thing is, it hurts so badly to think of not being with the other guy. I have truly developed feelings for him and really care about him.. How can I just move on now? How could I hurt my husband like that? Also, if my husband and I decide to stay together do I have to tell him, or is this a secret that is ok to keep? Please help, I have been depressed and anxious over this since it started, and not a day goes by where I don't break down crying.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I want you to read your story over again. Read it as if someone else had wrote it. You may see something that I believe others will see immediately. Pure unadulterated (What an oxymoron) selfishness. You don't know whether to stay or go. Tell your husband and let him decide. Being as he is the one who was treacherously betrayed. Its his life that you ruined. 

*I also do not want to end up alone or make the wrong decision. The thing is, it hurts so badly to think of not being with the other guy. I have truly developed feelings for him and really care about him.. How can I just move on now? How could I hurt my husband like that? Also, if my husband and I decide to stay together do I have to tell him, or is this a secret that is ok to keep? * 



The way you write, I kinda doubt you have it in you to tell him. You asked if it is "OK to keep the secret?" Would it be OK for your husband to keep one like that. Hey there is another reason to keep the secret. What if you gave your husband an STD. Geez, you want him to find out about that? Better to let it infect him and possibly cause a life threatening sickness. I mean you wouldn't want to know if your husband got a disease from some cheating skank. You wouldn't care if you got HPV and upped your chances of cervical cancer or not being able to have children because of endimetriosis I am sure the great guy that you laid had the moral character to let you know if he was a carrier. Forget about the character that allowed him to rail a friends wife. Oh and that's right, guys can carry diseases without any sign. No best not to tell your husband. No you are too comfortable with the life you have. Just go and get tested for STDs and then make your husband where condoms. You definitely don't want to risk getting back from your husband what you may have given him. 

Oh and just to be sure you don't mess up your life or make yourself uncomfortable. If you decide to stay with your husband and on the chance that he didn't catch anything from you. Get pregnant right away so you can have anchor on him.

I am sorry if my post seems harsh. But b4 you get all offended. Just think for a second, has anything I've written been outside the realm of possibilties? I mean you cheated, you broke your vows, you're a liar, and you are so selfish that your main concern is how to do "a work around" to maintain your lifestyle or dump your poor husband and move onto his friend. 

I guess you could tell your husband. But that would be honest. Doesn't sound like it fits your style.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Initfortheduration said:


> I want you to read your story over again. Read it as if someone else had wrote it. You may see something that I believe others will see immediately. Pure unadulterated (What an oxymoron) selfishness. You don't know whether to stay or go. Tell your husband and let him decide. Being as he is the one who was treacherously betrayed. Its his life that you ruined.
> 
> *I also do not want to end up alone or make the wrong decision. The thing is, it hurts so badly to think of not being with the other guy. I have truly developed feelings for him and really care about him.. How can I just move on now? How could I hurt my husband like that? Also, if my husband and I decide to stay together do I have to tell him, or is this a secret that is ok to keep? *
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Beat me to the punch! Can't have it both ways. You say you love your husband but it seems you love his money more to stay with him. You love the OM more but he wants a commitment which you can't give because of the comfortable lifestyle your husband is providing for you.

If the OM could have provided you with the same lifestyle would you had run for the hills with the OM? Don't have sex with your husband until you get a checkup as the person above posted. I doubt he wants the gift that keeps on giving.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

mmsmith1977 said:


> We recently ended the affair and decided to remain friends (this was more his decision, as he said he was not content with having an affair and wanted a real relationship that did not have to be hidden), but this broke my heart and I am having trouble moving on. I do not know if I should just deal with and work on my marriage or if I should leave my marriage to pursue something further. I am afraid of hurting my husband, and also of destroying our life together, which has been very comfortable and nice. I also do not want to end up alone or make the wrong decision.


Let's speak about the POSOM for a moment. You say you have known him for about 3 months. First flirting then sex. Then he dumps you after he does you.....Once? His choice. Have you maybe thought about the possibility that he just wanted to tap you? Nah, couldn't be. You have to many qualities that recommend for a long term relationship (at least 5 years). Now he wants to be friends. I am gonna throw this thought in from out in left field. Don't be surprised when his calls and texts slowly diminish. And when you confront him about why he isn't returning your calls and texts, he will say this " I can't keep the communication up, its just to painful for me". He will come out with that in about 2 weeks or so. No way would that happen, he's a sensitive guy. So don't feel used when that happens. And don't even think about the possibility that he is old school and believes "If she'll cheat with you, She'll cheat on you". You would never do that to him. Tell him not to worry. Tell him that you knew that you were going to betray your husband on your wedding day. You were just killing time till you found each other. Tell him that you haven't had sex with your husband since you two made love. And if you had. Tell him that it didn't mean anything to you. I know he will believe you. 

It has to be love between the two of you. I mean if its not love, what was it????? It couldn't have been anything else but love. I mean whats the alternative. Whats the reason I would spread for some guy I knew for 3 months. Wait a minute. It was my husbands fault. Its been rough for 6 months.....well really its only been rough for 3 months, since I met his friend. It is weird that my husband really started letting himself and the marriage go after I met his hot coworker. Its his fault. He should have known that he wasn't meeting my needs, I mean, I sat him down and had a very deep and frank discussion that I was concerned about our marriage. I suggested time away together. I even brought up counseling. And in the end, I even told him that I thought I was starting to get feelings for his friend. And asked him specifically to not bring him around and that I didn't want to talk to him anymore because I wanted to focus on us. I was totally up front with him. I tried everything.
I mean God knows I love my husband and would never hurt him.


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

No, I am not offended really, because you all have some good points. The only things I will disagree with is 1) the fact that how much money either of them make has anything to do with it. I have my own good job and make enough to support myself. When I said nice and comfortable life, I meant things like friends, family, etc. 2) looks dont have anything to do with it. my husband is very handsome. looks arent everything. and 3) I did not fabricate the issues in our relationship to justify this. There is NO justification, I know that. Yes things have been rough. That is not an excuse, but the truth. And yes, it was cowardly to go behind his back rather than just talk about it head on. You also bring a good point about being tested and being concerned about STDs. I guess I really was foolish enough to think that the other guy cared about me, and I was weak and let myself find comfort with him. I honestly dont know what his intentions are, I do think he is a nice guy, and my feelings are real. I know that this mess is mine, I just do not see a way out of it where no one gets hurt. You may not believe it, because none of you know me, but I am not the kind of person who wants to hurt others. That all being said, I appreciate you all taking the time to answer honestly and constructively.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Great great thread!! 

Initfor/Cheat - would you mind reading through my thread "what's your take on these texts" - would love your insight


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

First, WOW!

Ok, I agree with the other two posters. You need to be completely upfront with your husband. No ifs, ands, or buts. You're 33 and an adult who made a decision to step out on your marriage. You owe it to your husband to be completely open and honest with him. Take your lumps (figuratively speaking of course) and answer every and all questions honestly.

Now, I have a few comments on some of the things you typed.



> At first it was just flirtation


This is problem #1. You're married. You don't flirt with anyone but your husband.



> I also love my husband and do not want to hurt him.


You hurt your husband immediately when you stepped out on him. Regardless of whether anyone knows about it or not. And this is a funny way of showing that you love your husband. 



> We recently ended the affair and decided to remain friends (this was more his decision, as he said he was not content with having an affair and wanted a real relationship that did not have to be hidden),


Your OM ended the affair, you didn't. And seriously, think about this. What kind of man is he when he knows fully that you're married and proceded with the affair in the first place. Stand up guy? I don't think so. You're married to a stand up guy.



> I am afraid of hurting my husband, and also of destroying our life together


Um, you already did that. The moment you started the affair.



> I also do not want to end up alone or make the wrong decision


You've already made the wrong decision. And if ending up alone is punishment for your wrong decisions then unfortunately thats what may happen.



> How could I hurt my husband like that?


Simply put, because you're selfish.



> Also, if my husband and I decide to stay together do I have to tell him, or is this a secret that is ok to keep?


Yes you have to tell him for a TON of reasons. The possibility of STD's just being one of them. There are plenty of people that can just be a "carrier" of an STD with showing symptoms and pass them on to an unsuspecting partner, how fair is that? And no, this secret is not ok to keep. There should be no secrets in a marriage. You and your husband are partners in life together, not roommates. Lies and secrets are one way of controling a situation to suit your needs.

Also, what you should do is find a therapist. It sounds like there's more issues that need to be addressed with you than just an affair. And, when you tell your husband (and you should) there are a few things you should do to rebuild trust. I've listed them below. You should also find a separate marriage counselor that specializes in infidelity.

Full Transparency 
Total No Contact with OM (you can not stay friends with him at all)
Full Honesty
Show compassion
show remorse

These are just a few things that will help your husband. Not only did you break your vows, you destroyed your marriage, husband and your life together. Now, it's time to be an adult.


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## writing2010 (Aug 5, 2010)

I would suggest you go through this site and read all the posts from the men who's wives cheated on them. It will give you an insight into the pain an affair can cause. It will also give you insight into why you have made a decision to sacrifice hurting your husband by having this affair.

Honestly, you are the only person who can answer your questions at this point. I see you in a place of denial and not being honest with yourself. There are a lot of questions you should be asking yourself, for example:

Are the vows I made to my husband really important to me enough I am willing to give my marriage every chance it deserves? Again, read the posts from the men with cheating wives. You will see that they go to the end of the earth to save their marriage. How far are you willing to go?

Can I consciously decide to continue lying to him without it effecting who I am and how I see myself? You know that you are making a decision to lie. How does that make you feel? Are you willing to continue to feel that way?

Why did I decide (again, a decision was made on your part) to hurt my husband? Just because your husband does not know about the affair, it doesn't mean that he has not been hurt. 

I really don't see it as a choice between your comfortable and stable husband, or the OM. It's a choice to be honest with yourself or continue to find instant gratification to fill a void.


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

It seems that everyone is in agreement of what I should do- confess and start working on saving my marriage, if that is at all possible. I am going to be completely honest though- I am scared to confess. Yes, I am being cowardly and selfish. And I hate having a secret, that is doing an incredible amount of damage to our intimacy, and I do feel like it should come out. I am just afraid of the consequences of my actions. I know I need to be the adult that I am and take what I have coming, that is something you learn as a kid, that all actions have consequences. I just wish it could be different. Complicating things even further is that they both work at a very small firm and have a superior/subordiante relationship at work, which could result in serious career damage for one or both of them. So basically I have pretty much ruined three lives? I have never wished so badly to take something back. everything that has been said on here has been hard to hear but it all rings true.


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

My best advise to you for telling your husband would to simply sit him down (preferrably away from anuthing that can be thrown) and say "Honey, I have something to tell you, and it's extemely important and I don't want you to say anything until I'm done" and then spill it. You can tell him high level at first and when your done say "Ok, I'm finished and I will answer every and all questions you have." There will most likeyl be yelling, crying and probably some name calling. Just take it. Know that it's coming from a very painful place and don't take it personally.

The one thing that I wish (even to this day) is that when I confronted him that he was honest with me. He wasn't. The other thing that I wish my husband did (besides not cheating) was to come right out and tell me so I didn't have to find out by surpirse and be blindsided. That was the worst. I'm 2+ yrs out and still dealing with this mess. All because he wasn't honest and says things like "I don't remember" and "just get over it."

So do us all BS (betrayed spouses) a favor and be open and honest. It will hurt at first, but be so much better in the long run.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I would suggest that you write down your confession. It will allow you to focus on what you need to say. And not on his face. Tell him on a Friday (tomorrow) so you will have the weekend to work on it and he will be able to cool down b4 going back to work.


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

I think you are both right, I think that could very well be the best option. I cannot see continuing with the lie. I just hope for the best, but I will take what is coming to me. The worst is knowing that my actions will hurt someone else.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I didn't mean to imply that you were in it for the money, your post was just vague on that point. But to other things...

Get ready for either WW3 to occur or the deep depression. He'll either clam up and ignore you to sort things out or he'll burst out of the door and leave. You also have to prepare yourself that he will leave forever. It's always a possibility and be prepared for it just in case.

He's gonna be hurt and you'll never know how much hurt that you have just caused him, ever until it happens to you. You're gonna to have to baby him just a bit to get him to open up to you so that the both of you can work on fixing what caused the affair. There has to be something that you're lacking, no matter how small you might think it is. Please find out what it is and let him know so you both can work on it.

He'll never truly trust you again also, that will be one of the biggest hurdles to overcome for the rest of your life. The trust will come back and you might think, "Ok we're good now and things are back to the way they were." Wrong, they'll always have that little doubt nagging them forever.

Whenever I got out with the guys now, my wife is always curious who's gonna be there and what we're doing. She no longer calls to check but I've seen her, when she thinks I'm not looking, going through my pockets and checking my shirts for anything out of the ordinary.

The 1st year is gonna your toughest ride. I don't know how many times I heard the wife say, "That's it I'm done and I'm leaving." whenever we had an argument. Everytime I stopped her and we talked it through. Once I actually got mad enough to pack her stuff and told her to leave if she wants to and stop saying it, BIG MISTAKE. She still has that bag tucked away in the back of the closet to this day (13 yrs later).

There are only 2 things that will happen at this point and you're gonna have to be the one to get both of you on the right path. If you ever think that's it's too much and he's making it too difficult then you'll never make it. You're gonna have to give more and take less for the time being. It might seem that's not fair but guess what, he didn't sleep with another person you did. Good luck to you and hope things work out.


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

You're getting some great advice. I hope you take it. Please keep us posted on how things go. You can also suggest him finding a site like this one (if he's not comfortable coming to this one because you're here). Him talking with other BS's will help. It helps to know that you're not alone.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

mmsmith1977 said:


> The worst is knowing that my actions will hurt someone else.


If you take anything away from this experience, keep that in the forefront of your mind. When we are married, every action we take not only affects us, but our spouse as well. Learn from your mistakes on how to deal with wants/needs differently for the future. Learn to focus on "the marriages" needs and not your own. All humans are basically selfish in nature. What makes the good marriages good is communication and both partners understanding there should be a hell of a lot less I and more US.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Oh, and no drinking for courage. You or him. I would highly suggest that you refrain from alcohol for the foreseeable future. Won't help.


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

I have gotten some good advice, and I appreciate it. I certainly wasnt looking for approval for what I did, but it is nice to not be attacked either, and to get honest advice and opinions. I will see how this weekend goes, hopefully it will better than I am afraid it will. Ill check back Monday.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

My first post was started by my suggestion to read back your first post as if someone else had wrote it. Why? Because it was written from an entirely immature and selfish position. What you received from me in my first posts were called 2x4s. They were meant to bring you back to reality and hopefully clear away some of the fog around your affair, so that you might realize what you are doing to your marriage. They were not meant to be advice. 

Regarding your confession. One thing is imperative. DO NOT BLAME SHIFT. DO NOT BLAME YOUR HUSBAND IN ANYWAY FOR WHAT YOU DID. DO NOT USE THE PHRASE "BUT IF YOU HADN'T XXXXX, I WOULDN'T HAVE NEEDED TO GO OUTSIDE OF OUR MARRIAGE"

Next, when you have confessed and he (God willing) is considering reconciling with you, NEVER, EVER, EVER, SAY "Can't we just put this behind us and move forward" YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER IT, UNTIL HE GETS OVER IT.


If he does consider reconciling. Tanelornpete and affaircare are good sources for advice on that. My advice tends to be black and white, which works in some situations, but not in others. Let me encourage your husband to start posting to share his feelings too. There are plenty of folks on here that can Identify with him regarding what you have put him through.


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## BigB (Jul 4, 2010)

I would suggest also for you to look at the OM in the true light. He is NOT a nice guy! I am a nice guy and I can say that I have never slept with any of friends' wife, nor with any other married woman. Do you really want to be with a person whose moral fiber does not honor other people's wives?

At the same time your moral fiber has also gone through a tear and needs repairing. This repairing can be done with an honest to god confession to your spouse.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

mmsmith1977 said:


> I have gotten some good advice, and I appreciate it. I certainly wasnt looking for approval for what I did, but it is nice to not be attacked either, and to get honest advice and opinions. I will see how this weekend goes, hopefully it will better than I am afraid it will. Ill check back Monday.



MMsmith1977~

Speaking as someone who was formerly disloyal (I like to think of myself as a recovered disloyalaholic LOL) I also agree with the other posters that the best thing you can do is confess to your husband and tell him the real truth. I know it is not going to be pretty, and it is going to hurt him, but the honest fact is that your action DID hurt him. It may sound backward, but you are actually respecting him more by telling him and allowing him to decide for himself what he wants to do. If you continue to keep it secret, what happens is that you're effectively saying, "I do not trust your ability to hear this kind of earth-shattering news and deal with it, not do I respect you enough to give you all the facts so you can be in charge of your own life." 

Now regarding the OM and "just being friends" I do understand that anyone can make a mistake and without meaning to it goes too far. There's not particularly "judgement" here that this happened to you--but we also don't want to make the mistake of in any way indicating that we condone encourage or support infidelity. This isn't a support forum--it's a forum to talk about keeping your marriage and how to get OVER an affair! So that's partly why folks are harsh. And just to get a clearer picture of the OM, I would suggest that if you and I were friends, and you started to talk to me about the issues in your marriage, I might listen and I might say "Oh that's too bad" to give you a safe place to vent, but then as someone who REALLY YOUR FRIEND and someone with your best interests at heart, I would say something like, "Do you have any idea what you're going to do about it? You need to talk to your husband and tell him you feel like that! Do you know of a good counselor? I can help you look for one!" This is because someone who's really being a friend would help YOU be a better person...would encourage honesty, patience, gentleness, kindness, faithfulness, etc. A person who does not help you be a better person and behave with more character and quality is not a "friend"; they are a person who is using you or tearing you down. 

In this instance I would suspect "using you" and probably for the thrill, the compliments/ego boost, and probably for a shot at sex.


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

Weekend was not too bad, end of last week was DISASTEROUS. I still have not had the courage to have a really serious talk, but I am thinking that with counseling we can possibly work things out in our marriage. I wish that I would not have been so stupid.


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

Did you tell him the full news, or just do an "oh, by the way." If you didn't tell him everything and plan on telling bits and pieces that's called Trickle Truth and from what I've seen does more harm than good. Because your husband will start thinking "what else is she keeping from me?" You have to tell him everything, all of it, at one time. It will be crushing, but he needs to hear it all.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You're sad for losing the OM emotional support but you're worried about hurting your husband's feelings for the affair. You're not really worried about your husband's feeling, your more worried for yourself at this point. The guilt you feel is for you, not for your marriage. Been there, done that. If you really are truly sorry and really full of guilt you'll confess to your husband.

To say, maybe I can just keep it a secret to spare my husband's feelings, WRONG, you want to spare your feelings. Been there, done that also. Lie all you want, if you really want it to work between your husband you'll tell him and work on the reason why you cheated in the 1st place with your husband.

Cheaters will always try to work it to the point saying that, I'm MAKING THIS HUGE SACRIFICE for my husband/wife's feelings. I'm doing it so I can spare them the hurt and pain and I'll be the martyr carrying this huge burden to save our marriage. We cheaters turn it that point to spare our feelings and to save us from the hurt we caused ourselves.

Yes there is always the chance your husband might leave you, but we made our beds and we have to sleep in them. If you bottle it up, eventually you'll resent the fact that you SETTLED for your husband and gave up the man who seemed so perfect for you. And the cheating starts again.

Tell your husband and let the chips fall where they fall at this point. If you lose him, you can only blame yourself and hope you learn from this lesson. I truly hope you both can work things out between your marriage though. Good luck to you.


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

mmsmith1977, how is it going? Did you tell your husband everything yet? How is he taking it?


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## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

The man that you had the affair with knew from the beginning that you were married and it didn't stop him from flirting, hanging out and eventually sleeping with you. Then he sleeps with you and decides that he doesn't want an affair. This is BS. This man only wanted to sleep with you. You were used. Plain and simple. He got it and now he doesn't want to be with you. He tossed you aside as easily as you tossed aside your vows to your husband. You would leave your husband and this man still won't want you because he knows firsthand that you can not be trusted. By sleeping with him you ruined any chance of having anything serious with him. If you did that to your husband of whatever amount of years he knows you would do it to him too and he therefore would never take you seriously. he will sleep with you only but would not wife you. You made a big mistake. Get over this affair by focusing on your marriage. I feel bad for your husband. If you honestly feel bad for being unfaithful then forgive yourself and never make this mistake again.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She didn't tell him. If she had taken our advice, she would have probably come back and asked for advice on how to get past it. How she could help him heal. Nope, my money is on her remaining a cheat and liar. Just read her first post again. It was all I,I,I. Poor guy. He doesn't know what trash he is saddled with.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

Devastated1 said:


> Did you tell him the full news, or just do an "oh, by the way." If you didn't tell him everything and plan on telling bits and pieces that's called Trickle Truth and from what I've seen does more harm than good. Because your husband will start thinking "what else is she keeping from me?" You have to tell him everything, all of it, at one time. It will be crushing, but he needs to hear it all.


Very true. My wife did the bits and pieces with me (which of course the scenario changed from one time to another). I still am hurt because I have many questions, but don't want to reopen the issue again.

M.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Remember this.....you are continuing to humilate your husband by having this coworker, he works closely with, have sexual knowledge of his wife and he doesn't even know it!!!! If you really care even a little for your husband you will stop this and tell him the truth.


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## blueyes (Mar 25, 2010)

Initforthedoration, I'm sorry but there is no reason for u saying the things u r saying on here. People come on here for help and by u bullying them and name calling is just immature and not right. She probably won't come back on here now for some help, so that did a lot of good didn't it.I am sorry for what u went through, but everyone has different situations and no its not right but stuff happens. We want people to come and get advice(help) not be scared away.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Cheaters often have different opinions regarding my posts. I sincerely get a positive response from most. Why? Because they want to be confronted. They want to repair their marriages and they realize that continuing to lie and cheat work against that goal. If you have read many of my posts, you will find that I am tough and direct with cheaters initially. Then after they confess to their spouse the 2x4s generally go away. I believe the best way to heal a marriage is for the truth to come out. You may disagree. A lot of cheaters feel that way. I have no use for the ones that come here and confess but won't confess to the wronged party. And sorry but "stuff happens" is to kind regarding the destruction that comes after EA/PAs. Just try using your "stuff happens" with your husband. Will saying that to him help or hurt his healing? I will guarantee you that any betrayed spouse hearing that will be set back to day one.


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## Seeker (Sep 1, 2010)

I agree with blueyes. You guys have been trashing this lady and she hasn't even posted since the 24th. You have no idea what she has or hasn't done. I think instead of giving helpful advice you (Init, esp.) are just getting your own rocks off being ugly for fun.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Seeker said:


> I agree with blueyes. You guys have been trashing this lady and she hasn't even posted since the 24th. You have no idea what she has or hasn't done. I think instead of giving helpful advice you (Init, esp.) are just getting your own rocks off being ugly for fun.


Thats true , its really funny to see people taking out their frustrations & anger on someone who knows already knows he/she has made a mistake & wants to correct it . That kind of attitude of trashing someone just because she asked for advice is pathetic .


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

bestplayer said:


> Thats true , its really funny to see people taking out their frustrations & anger on someone who knows already knows he/she has made a mistake & wants to correct it . That kind of attitude of trashing someone just because she asked for advice is pathetic .


that is because a good number of folks on here are still quite bitter about their own lives and mirror that right onto this forum. Most of the advice is positive but some of it is downright ridiculous.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Looks like a cheaters convention. So my comments hurt peoples feelings. Imagine how your spouses would feel if you all told them that you were cheating on them? So instead of that you grouse at me for driving cheaters away. All I do is confront them with what they are doing to their spouses and families in hopes that they will turn from their (your) affairs and work on their (your) marriages. Maybe, just maybe they will feel enough guilt to go to their spouses and confess. 

The funny thing is, I may make cheaters feel uncomfortable by explaining to cheaters what their spouses feel or give them analogies of their cheating ways. But *THEY (YOU)* are actually *DOING* these things to your husbands and wives. You tell me how hurtful the things I am saying to you are. All I have done is shine a light on the things you are actually doing to people you are suppose to love. So tell me again how cruel I am. Ouch, the truth hurts. 

Have any of you read the title of this blog? It says *Coping with Infidelity: Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity* Just how exactly does supporting the cheaters that come on here who have not confessed their infidelities to their spouses, help their relationships recover from the *destructiveness* of THEIR infidelity? The recovery starts when you all start to tell the truth. If I make one of you feel bad or guilty enough to go to your husband or wife and beg their forgiveness, then that's a win in my eyes. So go ahead and flame me, if it allows you to focus your anger on me instead of yourselves for what you're doing. You still have to look at yourselves in the mirror.


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## Seeker (Sep 1, 2010)

See "pathetic" and "ridiculous" in former posts.


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

Havent been on in a while, have been dealing with things and working alot, not really avoiding the subject. And I do appreciate the support, and the constructive criticism alike, just not necessarily any name calling, but I do respect everyone's right to an opinion. And i do agree that what I did was despicable, I dont think you can make generalizations like "everyone who cheats is a horrible person/has no morals/is promiscuous, etc." especially without knowing the person at all. But anyways, that being said (which was not my original point but I got sidetracked!) I DID talk to my husband and tell him the truth, contrary to what some may have believed. It was not pretty at all, of course, but did go better than I expected. We have discussed things at length for the past week, pretty much night and day, not really sleeping, and are going to at least try to make things work. We have both been unhappy for a while, and both have had doubts, but agree that we need to at least try. I honestly do not know what to expect at this point, but I hope that we can both find some happiness. I am taking this very seriously, but right now feel so drained and exhausted, and kind of numb. I am just not really sure where to go from here now.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

You need to break the emotional link with the OM first this could take months, so be patient and work through the hurt on a day to day basis. 

You need to go into a hard no contact with the OM, absolutely no contact what so ever. 

In the interim keep your mind very busy.

Talking to your H is good, together you can move forward. At the moment there are going to be no right answers. 

Do not be judgemental and hone on things that annoy you as these are exacerbated by the affair and will be as you go through withdrawal. 

There will come a stage when the OM means nothing to you and you can see things for what they are. Then and only then can you reflect on your marriage.

In the interim you and your H should go to 

www.marriagebuilders.com 

and pick off some of the articles. 

Best wishes.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Check out marriage builders. Good luck.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

mmsmith1977 said:


> Havent been on in a while, have been dealing with things and working alot, not really avoiding the subject. And I do appreciate the support, and the constructive criticism alike, just not necessarily any name calling, but I do respect everyone's right to an opinion. And i do agree that what I did was despicable, I dont think you can make generalizations like "everyone who cheats is a horrible person/has no morals/is promiscuous, etc." especially without knowing the person at all. But anyways, that being said (which was not my original point but I got sidetracked!) I DID talk to my husband and tell him the truth, contrary to what some may have believed. It was not pretty at all, of course, but did go better than I expected. We have discussed things at length for the past week, pretty much night and day, not really sleeping, and are going to at least try to make things work. We have both been unhappy for a while, and both have had doubts, but agree that we need to at least try. I honestly do not know what to expect at this point, but I hope that we can both find some happiness. I am taking this very seriously, but right now feel so drained and exhausted, and kind of numb. I am just not really sure where to go from here now.


I'm so happy for you and I wish you guys all the best. It can work, it did and is for my wife and I. One thing that really helped us in the begining and that I recomend for you is to go to the marriagebuilders site and pull down the love busters and emotional needs quiz's and do both of them (both quizes, and one for each of you). Take a day or two to put some real thought into it. Then come together and sit down and talk through them together. It will really help you.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'm only going to say that I admire your courage for coming here in the first place, being honest, actually struggling with the right thing, being brave enough to face yourself and DO what you were afraid to do...

...and all while being torn apart here. I am virtually sickened by some of the responses here, not only because I am just one of the "sick disloyals" but also because here you are someone really looking for some help to do right thing, and do people give you the encouragement to do what's right? No, they tear you down, call you names, make horrifying generalizations, and act all "holier than thou." Here's one thing I've learned: "There but for the grace of God go I!" 

On behalf of MOST of the posters here on Talk About Marriage I deeply apologize for the treatment you've received here and hope you'll continue to post to those of us who are not so mean-spirited and judgmental. I hope you'll see that there is a community here that will in no way condone unfaithfulness, but if that is where you are we will help you get out of it and rebuild the love in your marriage. 

On your behalf, frankly I am VERY offended and will be adding two names to my ignore list as people whom I believe are just here to hurt others. To add people to your own ignore list, you can click on their name, click "View Public Profile", click on the User List drop down arrow, and select "Add to Ignore List." When it asks for confirmation, click "Yes." Then you will never again have to see or read that vicious kind of talk.


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> I'm only going to say that I admire your courage for coming here in the first place, being honest, actually struggling with the right thing, being brave enough to face yourself and DO what you were afraid to do...
> 
> ...and all while being torn apart here. I am virtually sickened by some of the responses here, not only because I am just one of the "sick disloyals" but also because here you are someone really looking for some help to do right thing, and do people give you the encouragement to do what's right? No, they tear you down, call you names, make horrifying generalizations, and act all "holier than thou." Here's one thing I've learned: "There but for the grace of God go I!"
> 
> ...


Thank you very much for that, I appreciate it. The thing is, I have never denied that what I did was terrible and hurtful. But the way some people have acted was surprising. No one is perfect, and I am sure we have all done bad things, or hurt someone, or have regrets. We are all human, we all mess up, and I have paid the consequences emotionally for this one, believe me. I guess there probably some people out there who habitually cheat and do not feel the guilt or stress, but I have been through a misery of guilt, hurt, desire, confusion, stress, etc. for months now, and I still do not feel much better. i am trying to do the right thing but am having trouble letting go of all of my bad feelings. I guess that in time it will get better, as everyone says. And thank you again, all I can say to people who only have unkind things to say is that we are all people, and I think we all deserve to be treated well. I have nothing against criticism or sterness, but I do not see why anyone would be pointlessly hurtful.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

The 2x4s being swung at you were not pointlessly hurtful. They were swung because you were on the fence regarding confessing to your husband. Have you noticed since you confessed they stopped? The other cheaters here were worried that you were scared away. Apparently you weren't. Good for you. Tanelorn and affaircare offer really good advice. I do hope your marriage is restored. We all have an investment in each others marriages.


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## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Initfortheduration said:


> Looks like a cheaters convention. So my comments hurt peoples feelings. Imagine how your spouses would feel if you all told them that you were cheating on them? So instead of that you grouse at me for driving cheaters away. All I do is confront them with what they are doing to their spouses and families in hopes that they will turn from their (your) affairs and work on their (your) marriages. Maybe, just maybe they will feel enough guilt to go to their spouses and confess.
> 
> The funny thing is, I may make cheaters feel uncomfortable by explaining to cheaters what their spouses feel or give them analogies of their cheating ways. But *THEY (YOU)* are actually *DOING* these things to your husbands and wives. You tell me how hurtful the things I am saying to you are. All I have done is shine a light on the things you are actually doing to people you are suppose to love. So tell me again how cruel I am. Ouch, the truth hurts.
> 
> Have any of you read the title of this blog? It says *Coping with Infidelity: Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity* Just how exactly does supporting the cheaters that come on here who have not confessed their infidelities to their spouses, help their relationships recover from the *destructiveness* of THEIR infidelity? The recovery starts when you all start to tell the truth. If I make one of you feel bad or guilty enough to go to your husband or wife and beg their forgiveness, then that's a win in my eyes. So go ahead and flame me, if it allows you to focus your anger on me instead of yourselves for what you're doing. You still have to look at yourselves in the mirror.


1) I have been cheated on and I wish I never knew about it... telling is not always the best approach for every situation. Im glad it worked for you and some other here.

2) I have cheated and its not all up to the cheater to make ammends... there has usually been a history of some dynamic prior to the cheating. Not saying, that it causes the cheating in all cases... bc some still dont cheat in those circumstances (like me in my first marriage... cheating never crossed my mind). There are several here that know that both need to make ammends in different ways... healing together.

3) Coping with Infidelity... both parties are coping with it in some shape or fashion. But you bring up a good point. Perhaps there should be separate message boards for those having an affair and wanting to heal or move beyond it and those heling from being cheated on...OR, just disclipline ourselves to only respond to posters in our own positions instead of bashing the cheaters. 

Just a thought....


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## mmsmith1977 (Aug 19, 2010)

I think different message boards for people who have cheated and people who have been cheated on is a very good idea. I can absolutely see where it is hurtful/insulting for someone who has been cheated on to read a post from someone saying how hard it is to be the cheater. (I have been on both sides, I was cheated on by my ex who left me to marry the other woman, which is a whole other story), so I can see both sides. You would also think that someone who knows what it is like to be cheated on would never do it but sadly that does not seem to be the case. As far as the hurtful messages I mentioned, there were a couple that were a little pointlessly unkind and made assumptions that were wrong, but you also should have seen some of the PM's I received (most were very kind and helpful, and some, not so much), but thats not really the point- i think that there are reasons for every action and a person cannot be judged on their actions alone. As far as confessing, that was something I received tons of conflicting advice on, so that is a confusing issue. I also do not think it is right for every situation, I think the right course of action depends on the individual's relationship. All that being said, I do honestly appreciate everyone taking the time to weigh in and give advice, that is why I came on here, after all, even knowing the strong negative reaction some people were sure to have.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

I too am sorry for your "spanking" u received here at TAM.

I too tend to try and tell it like it is but, one can see u r not making (too many) excuses nor feeling "great" about yer infidelity. While we all have some freedom of expression here at TAM and are likewise faulty human beings at times, we should all show some tact/wisdom responding to new posters
(especially)concerns here.

Perhaps if u'd gone on for 7-10 pgs of excuses, denials, etc then i'd have to side w/ the frustrated responders here.

But u didnt, and BRAVO! You were braver than most to tell yer
H who deserved to know the truth. U didnt wait till u were both 64 or on yer deathbeds (and such). I COMMEND YOU FOR THAT !

Time will tell what is to be for u both. Your marriage will never be the same (duh, right?). It may grow into something better than the fragile/boring/innocent state it was before, or may dissolve completely leading to new horizons for u both. 

Yet either way u did the right thing. keep us posted if u wish.

shalom...........................................................ray:


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