# how do I bring up the M-word?



## snowbunny (May 27, 2008)

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half now and are going to be moving in together here soon. Everything has been absolutely wonderful so far and believe it or not, we have never fought, disagreed, etc, we just get along fabulously. We are both in college, he will be graduating in a few months, but I still have another 2 years to go. I never thought that I would move in with someone before marriage, but it's happening and I'm really excited about it. However, the whole issue of marriage has never come up in conversation and I want to know if he has any future notions of us getting married at some point. I don't want to be "tied down" by getting married until I have graduated, but I would like to know if it is something that may be a possibility. It's ridiculous but I'm afraid to bring it up in conversation because I don't want him to think I'm pushing too much on him. Our entire relationship has always been stress-free and I really want to keep it that way as we have both had our fair share of crappy relationships. Everything has always been so relaxed between us, but I just don't know how to bring up the whole subject of marriage. Should I just leave it alone and wait for him to bring it up? In past relationships, this subject was brought up by the ex-boyfriends, and I always felt really uncomfortable and never could commit myself to going down that path. In this case though, I have no problem saying that I can commit myself to him completely. I know he loves me and has every intention of making our relationship work, I just don't know if he is at a comfortable stage of committing himself to me for the rest of his life. I want to bring it all up and just have a nice conversation about it, but I don't know if I should wait or just go for it? How do I bring it up in conversation?


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Simply ask "What do you see in OUR future?"

You can steer it from there towards marriage or to seem innocent.

draconis


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I guess since you have a few years of school left, it may not be something he is thinking about at this point. Is moving in together causing you to question it now? Are you worried that once you do that there will be no point in getting married from his perspective?

One way to bring it up might be to talk about the relationship from your perspective..."I never thought I'd live with someone before marriage, but since I've met you I really can't imagine living without you until I finish school." I don't know what you've already discussed, but once you finish school, will you still live where you are? If not discussed, you could bring that up...what are you thinking we'll do when I graduate? I would think about how you will react either way...if he seems uncomfortable or avoids talking about future commitments, it's probably too soon for him to think about. Are you good with this? If so, I'd back off for now and see how things go.


----------



## BrokenFrag (Mar 25, 2008)

Red flags shoot up right away when I hear you are in college. I truly believe that you are too young to fully appreciate the type of personal growth that normally occurs during your twenties. Compound that with the complexities of maintaining a healthy marriage, and I feel like you are going to put more pressure on yourself and your relationship than you need. I got married right after college graduation, and my wife and I have struggled with not only who we were or who we wanted to be, but now are struggling with our marriage. We struggled because at first we tried to define ourself through our marriage. That didn't feel right since we were so young and none of our friends were married yet, so we tried to find our who we were as individuals. The problem is that when you are married, you aren't truly individuals anymore. Each decision should be made with the other person in mind. That makes it difficult to take some of the risks that you would if you were not married. In the end, it took us much longer to find our paths in life, and now, it looks like our marriage will end because of the toll that took on our relationship.

I would talk about your future. Talk about ways you can support each other as you journey through life together. Don't worry about marriage until both of you are ready to talk about it. Don't put some sort of artificial time line in place, and don't worry about validating your relationship by getting married. 

When you both are ready, the conversation will find you. Enjoy being young. Enjoy each other's company. Enjoy the adventure you are on. Don't put the additional pressure on yourselves. 

Good luck!


----------



## Russell (Apr 10, 2008)

Insure, that you ARE ready for the step of marriage. It is a once in a lifetime commitment. It is not something to just 'throw away' if you don't like it. It is a lot like giving birth to a child, you would always be that childs mother, no matter what happens to you or the child. Same with the man you select as your husband... he will always be your husband, and there is no such thing as divorce. That is an absolute last resort, and it is for those only in abusive situations.


----------



## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

in my opinion. I was with my wife for 5 years before we got married. don't get me wrong when I first saw her she became my world and I wanted to marry her then. however a relationship takes time to mature. don't jump into something unless your positive that that's what you want. FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. and by the way the fact that you guys haven't argued since you you've been together bothers me a bit. its a lot to adjust to. there will be bumping of heads. like my saying goes. without an arguement there can't be great make up sex. I'm not saying go pick a fight with him just be aware that not everyone handles an arguement or a simple dispute the same way.
good luck


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

iheartmywife said:


> in my opinion. I was with my wife for 5 years before we got married. don't get me wrong when I first saw her she became my world and I wanted to marry her then. however a relationship takes time to mature. don't jump into something unless your positive that that's what you want. FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. and by the way the fact that you guys haven't argued since you you've been together bothers me a bit. its a lot to adjust to. there will be bumping of heads. like my saying goes. without an arguement there can't be great make up sex. I'm not saying go pick a fight with him just be aware that not everyone handles an arguement or a simple dispute the same way.
> good luck


My wife and I never argued until we got married and have only argued seven times in ten years of marriage. The sex is always getting better without "make up sex". 

For those so intent about age or time together I think the more important factors are:

1) How mature *both* of you are.

2) How much each of you want this.

3) Where *both* of you are in life.

I had a high school sweetheart willing to forgo college for me and I told her no because I wanted her to be everything she could reguardless of me. I didn't want her to feel down the road that I robbed her of a career etc.

The best thing you can do is communicate with him what you want and see where he is at.

He might be waiting for you to graduate first so that you will have all the choices ahead of you.

I wish you the best of luck.

draconis


----------



## TheLuckiest08 (Jun 2, 2008)

The "stress-free" aspect of your relationship will change when you move in together. The rose colored glasses will come off. All relationships have stress, so expect that change.

You are smart in feeling the need to discuss marriage before you move in together. Make sure the two of you are on the same wavelenth or someone's feelings could really get hurt. However, if you are having trouble even bringing it up with him that leads me to believe there are some communication problems. 

Also, just because you love eachother and it sounds fun to move in together doesn't make it a good choice. You are young and a year and a half isn't long at all.


----------

