# Okay, guys...need you point of view



## madamewuzzle (Sep 8, 2008)

My husband lies to me ALL THE TIME. About who he's talking to, why he went out to the bar, why people are at the house, who his friends are, when he's been drinking, etc. He says if I would leave him alone, he wouldn't need to lie. Also, he has these friends that are from 18 to 21 (he's 32) that are of both genders, and work for him. He doesn't think it's inappropriate and refuses to stop hanging out with them. He doesn't think that I have a right to know where he is or who he is with. He erases all of his e-mails and text messages. Am I being overbearing or is a he being an *******?


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

He is being a jackazz, hun. If he isn't up to something, no need to want you to back off, so he doesn't have to lie, right? So, he says he lies..duh ! He's not a very good lier, is he? lol 
Don't worry, hun, give the fool enough rope, and he'll soon hang himself. Meaning.. it will all come out in the wash one day.


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## madamewuzzle (Sep 8, 2008)

I told him today that I would compromise for the sake of our marriage. I would leave him alone about his little groupies if he let me meet them, they only came to the house rather than go out, and they only hung out a couple times a week. He said, "I'll compromise. I'll do whatever the hell I want, and I promise not to lie to you about it." No, he's a horrible liar. I have come to the conclusion that he wants to end this marriage but he just doesn't want to be the bad guy, so he is sabotaging things. Oh well, there's ten years of my life down the friggin' toilet.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm assuming there is a much bigger picture within the frame you lay out. But, based upon what you have outlined, what are the benefits of trying to preserve your relationship with this guy?


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

madamewuzzle said:


> I told him today that I would compromise for the sake of our marriage. I would leave him alone about his little groupies if he let me meet them, they only came to the house rather than go out, and they only hung out a couple times a week. He said, "I'll compromise. I'll do whatever the hell I want, and I promise not to lie to you about it." No, he's a horrible liar. I have come to the conclusion that he wants to end this marriage but he just doesn't want to be the bad guy, so he is sabotaging things. Oh well, there's ten years of my life down the friggin' toilet.


Well, look at it this way, you will be leaving with more than you came with, so that's good.


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## madamewuzzle (Sep 8, 2008)

Deejo said:


> I'm assuming there is a much bigger picture within the frame you lay out. But, based upon what you have outlined, what are the benefits of trying to preserve your relationship with this guy?


I could literally write a book about how amazing my husband is. Unfortunately, he comes with a lot of baggage. Addiction, PTSD, abusive childhood, broken home, traumatic first marriage, etc. However, he's also romantic, funny, sexy, strong, tough, thoughtful, and brilliant. It sounds tryte, but living with my husband is like being merried to Jekkyl & Hyde. I guess it just seems nowadays that I'm not sure who I'm going to see more of, the amazing doctor or the monster.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

You are both firmly rooted in your attitudes and that is not going to mix. Consider these two extremes:

The man says: "He says if I would leave him alone, he wouldn't need to lie."

The woman says: "If he isn't up to something, no need to want you to back off"

So essentially, both parties believe that the other party is forcing him/her to react in a certain way.

If you do indeed try to preserve this, I think the best thing you can do is to start making some friends of your own. If you keep pushing on him, he is only going to act more secretive, so you need a better strategy.

Perhaps start up your own activities -- disappear when YOU feel like it, text whoever YOU feel like, and let him start to wonder about you.

I have often said that the time a spouse should be REALLY concerned is when the other spouse just stops fighting. Like in the case of being sex starved -- its one thing for the victim to beg for sex. But when the victim STOPS begging and starts moving on, then THAT is when the withholder needs to step up.

I bet that if you formed your own circle of friends, your husband would see your new sense of independence, and if he was really concerned about saving the marriage, he'd work to keep you.

Its one thing to brush people off when you think they'll just sit there and take it. But when that person can suddenly say "eh, whatever" and has other options, suddenly the balance of power changes.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

Sage advice chopblock. I know a lot of people think good communication solves all problems but some people play the power game in life. You need to meet that head on TO GET THEM TO REALIZE WHAT THEY ARE DOING. They have been conditioned to behave like this there entire lives.

By probing your husband it just makes him retreat further and despise you for it. You may never be able to change his core characteristics but you may be able to alleviate this problem by getting your own life, doing your own thing. It makes you come from an area of strength when you do this.


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## madamewuzzle (Sep 8, 2008)

Both of you are completely right. In fact, this is exactly what my therapist advised me to do. I'm just having a hard time making that happen. I homeschool my six children. I'm very involved in my church. I play cards on Thursday night with the girls as well as bunco once a month. None of these things seem to threaten my husband. Am I to start doing things that I think are disrespectful to him in order to get his attention?


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

You sound like a great woman. 

If you have a cell phone get on it a lot in front of him talking to your friends, laughing and sounding like your having great conversation. If he asks who your talking to just say "friends". Buy some new clothes if you can afford it, get your hair done or get some new bras. Not for him though. Just a few thoughts off the top of my head. Of course this could progress to more like having guy friends but dont push it at first.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

I won't get into the whole "homeschooling" thing as I know there are reasons for that. However, does your husband help in any way with that?

Its good that you have friends, and are involved with the church. This is very important towards maintaining your own sanity.

Just putting it out there... is it at all possible that BECAUSE you are so involved with the kids and with church that he is feeling a bit neglected? Do you guys ever spend time that is just for you?

Anyways, I agree that maybe adding some more get togethers with friends (play cards twice a week now) and some other stuff to keep busy is good for you. You can't change someone that doesn't want to be changed unless you have the power to make it stick.

Keep working on yourself.


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## KingJust (Sep 19, 2008)

Honey said:


> Well, look at it this way, you will be leaving with more than you came with, so that's good.


That's great to say!!! You're helping alot. 

To the OP, I would honestly tell you to just leave. You don't need to go through that in your life. There are greater things out there than someone who doesn't treat you right. My 2 cents.

KJ


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

KingJust said:


> That's great to say!!! You're helping alot.
> 
> To the OP, I would honestly tell you to just leave. You don't need to go through that in your life. There are greater things out there than someone who doesn't treat you right. My 2 cents.
> 
> KJ


You took that the wrong way.

I mean the things back that the person took away or made you feel like. 

Your peace of mind back

Self worth 

Etc..


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

;16558]


> I could literally write a book about how amazing my husband is. Unfortunately, he comes with a lot of baggage. Addiction, PTSD, abusive childhood, broken home, traumatic first marriage, etc.


You said he has an addiction, is he still using? Has he ever sought treatment for his addiction? Do you think he has ever resolved the issues of his past?

If your husband has never dealt with his past and addiction issues, he won't be healthy, or capable of a healthy marriage.

I would consider leaving the marriage until he is in treatment for his issues. You are not doing him any good by staying with him, in fact you may be enabling him to continue with his addictive behaviors.

If you truly love this man, don't accept his behavior! 

Good luck and keep us posted.


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## KingJust (Sep 19, 2008)

Honey said:


> You took that the wrong way.
> 
> I mean the things back that the person took away or made you feel like.
> 
> ...


Sorry, my apologies! :smthumbup:


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