# Physical CFS spiraling out of control



## amadecasadesesperada (Nov 28, 2010)

Hi guys, I think this is probably the right post for my question. 

My better half has been diagnosed with CFS for 4 years and for the last 3 has not seriously taken action to recover. He has simply given up looking for solutions that could alleviate his illness. He argues that he does not want to be disappointed when the next trial fails. 
To the rest of the world (whoever is left), he paints an image of normality, and that he will be "ok". Reality: no job, no real friends, no routine, no outside activities (refuses to walk even). No sex, relationship getting harder everyday, no companionship for me. The only attractive activity for him is the computer late at night. Very lonely.

In the beginning the illness was only physical, but in the last years it has evolved into some serious erratic behavior that is hard to live with. Been told antidepressants could help, but I am afraid that this will make him feel even worse. Don't know how to help him, and afraid for my future life prospects as well. The CFS was viral. No exercise program ("it doesn't work"), no massage. B12 didn't work either, did it for 2 weeks & gave up. 

I have read everything there is to read about PHYSICAL effects of CFS. This is not the issue, what is out of whack are the psychological repercussions...Somehow every forum of CFS speaks about how physical handicaps that obviously come with the illness, but very little about the major psychological traumas that it also creates. Staying out of work, out of social contact, out of the community in general, you know? This is not something easy for someone to deal with psychologically.

Have you ever cooked something with love for someone for 2 hours, and all the sudden this someone turns the dish upside down on the table and drives off? Out of the blue, just like that. I was in tears. How about disappearing in the middle of the night and coming back 8 hours later without saying a word? Trashing clothes out the window? These are what I call the "EPISODES". Any insights on how to help him when he denies there are psychological elements to all this?
I don’t know what is going on up there, but I know it’s not alright.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

amadecasadesesperada said:


> Any insights on how to help him when he denies there are psychological elements to all this?


these situations are so difficult. you do nice things for him because you want to try and cheer him up but the hardest lesson to learn is tough love. the reality is that the nicer you are to him, the more you are rewarding his behavior. its like giving a dog a treat every time it pee's on the carpet. you can expect more of the same. 

Tough love is about letting the person experience the consequences of their actions. That means if you feel hurt, you let him know, and you dont go out of your way to try and cheer him up. Its extremely difficult because you feel guilty at times, but if he can experience the consequences of his actions you will be helping him change. he has to experience the negativity he is creating. he cant see himself. his emotions are reflected by you. if you keep trying to make him happy he thinks its you and that nothing is wrong with him. but if you're not there for him he'll experience the isolation that he's creating.


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