# Wife has a male running partner with a history of EAs



## MFARBER

Hello Everyone, 

Need some advice and feedback. Wife has a history of at least one EA in the past which I discovered where she was texting on her phone and sending facebook messages. Well, I found out and to make matters worse it was her personal trainer. I know, right? The trainer was way out of her league and have all the proof that you can think of that it's over. The EA lasted to my knowledge about 2 months. 

All things considered I was pissed but over time she has fully shown remorse and at the same time I have moved on. BTW, been married 15 years with an active sex life. 

Over the past summer she completed a marathon and developed a friendship with a running partner who happens to be of the same age(male). They continue to run together and exchange pleasant messages and text(she never deletes them) so everything is out in the open. With the exception of once I did notice that she deleted a text but it was never replied back. 

So, here I am. Not angry but at the same time I have a funny feeling this is going in the wrong direction and really only time will tell. Anyone been in this position before? I almost want to see how it plays out in some bizarre way. No other red flags at the moment.


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## IIJokerII

Well dude, this won't become a problem.....until it is one. If she and yourself is on the same page then you need to reinforce your boundaries with her as well as address the situation. In an assertive yet gentle manner remind her that simple texting and such can easily graduate to the next level. Sure, you may still be raw about what happened and this is a haunting reminder but the gut never lies. Listen to it and beware your inaction at every moment will only leave you vulnerable, not to mention your marriage. 

Now get your head in the game and take action before it is too late.


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## imjustwatching

MFARBER said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> 
> 
> So, here I am. Not angry but at the same time I have a funny feeling this is going in the wrong direction and really only time will tell.


You don't have the funny feeling that she probably f**d her trainer ?
I never heard of an EA with a personal trainer and why just an ea since they have the time and place for it ?


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## Mr.Fisty

Be vigilant. Tell her if you ever discover that she cheated on you again, she can pack her things and find somewhere else to live. Make the message clear, and watch her without telling her a thing. People tend to drop down to the lowest common denominator when with at least another person. Hopefully, you have a fulfilling life without your wife, it makes it easier to leave if the time ever comes. Just pay attention to her actions, words are cheap.


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## lordmayhem

She's not remorseful if she didn't learn a thing from last time. Simply saying "sorry" is NOT remorse. Because if she was truly remorseful, she would have learned her boundaries and NOT allowed herself to have a male running partner and begin text messaging another man again. She should know how this would affect you, but it seems like your feelings don't matter to her. She should have been thinking "What would MFARBER think of this?", but no, obviously she's not thinking of you.

It looks like she's ripe for another affair and you may be in False R. You shouldn't have to remind her about boundaries, considering her history and if she's truly remorseful and learned from last time. I question if she's truly the woman for you.


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## ConanHub

My wife is a runner and there are very high level female runners all over. Your wife has idiot boundaries. The fact that she chose a male companion after her affair with her male trainer speaks volumes.

How dominant or confident would you say you are?


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## RWB

EA with p. trainer? Very easily could of been a PA. Now creates a close "friendship" with her r. partner. 

She has history, she won't be as careless with her communication, you posted here because you've been down this path before. 

Your wife is playing you, she has serious boundary issues.


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## ConanHub

How do you know it didn't go physical in her first rodeo?

You say her trainer was out of her league. What do you mean?


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## lifeistooshort

Runner here, hb runner too. Just did a marathon 2 weeks ago. I've had many male running buddies, hb has had female buddies. It's fine if you have boundaries, but your wife doesn't. We don't communicate with our buddies when not running, and we share most conversations had during run. Your wife shouldn't have male running buddies. Ask her find women to run with, if she's committed to your marriage she'll understand and agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReidWright

MFARBER said:


> The trainer was way out of her league and have all the proof that you can think of that it's over. The EA lasted to my knowledge about 2 months.


"out of her league" for him to leave his wife and kids and job for your wife? sure.

"out of her league" for him to do some horizontal mamboing with her? if she's fit enough to be a runner, I doubt that.


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## MountainRunner

ReidWright said:


> ..."out of her league" for him to do some horizontal mamboing with her? if she's fit enough to be a runner, I doubt that.


I'm afraid I have to agree unfortunately. I "was" a personal trainer myself and I must say that it is all too easy. Hell, this last EA of mine began with the OW wanting diet and workout assistance and it escalated rather quickly.

Needless to say, this kid won't be "personally training" any female clients going forward. It happens with too much frequency. As a runner myself, just be careful and wary. Just my .02


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## D.H Mosquito

Why not insist on a female training partner? what about her helping you get fit to her level and training with you?


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## phillybeffandswiss

ConanHub said:


> How do you know it didn't go physical in her first rodeo?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/200522-wife-had-ea-now-what.html

He doesn't.



> You say her trainer was out of her league. What do you mean?


He's convincing himself of this to move forward. Most of us understand looks have little bearing on affair partners.


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## TRy

MFARBER said:


> Over the past summer she completed a marathon and developed a friendship with a running partner who happens to be of the same age(male). They continue to run together and exchange pleasant messages and text(she never deletes them) so everything is out in the open. With the exception of once I did notice that she deleted a text but it was never replied back.


 If you "did notice that she deleted a text", then what the other man (OM) said to your wife was something that she deliberately wanted to hide from you. This directly contradicts you saying that "everything is out in the open", because for that statement to even matter, she needs to be committed to specifically telling you about things concerning the OM that she would prefer to hide. Also, since the text messages are not a complete view of their relationship, and only an edited small window into their relationship with this deletion showing you that she is willing to hide things from you, how many other things are there with this OM that you do not know about? What are they saying and doing when when they run together that you will never have the ability to know about?

With her being less than a year away from her last affair with another man that she trained with, why do either of you think that it is OK for her to train with another man now?


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## tom67

TRy said:


> If you "did notice that she deleted a text", then what the other man (OM) said to your wife was something that she deliberately wanted to hide from you. This directly contradicts you saying that "everything is out in the open", because for that statement to even matter, she needs to be committed to specifically telling you about things concerning the OM that she would prefer to hide. Also, since the text messages are not a complete view of their relationship, and only an edited small window into their relationship with this deletion showing you that she is willing to hide things from you, how many other things are there with this OM that you do not know about? What are they saying and doing when when they run together that you will never have the ability to know about?
> 
> With her being less than a year away from her last affair with another man that she trained with, why do either of you think that it is OK for her to train with another man now?


:iagree::iagree:

Farber you can't control her but you can control with what you will put up with.
Without any consequences the status quo will continue if YOU allow it.:scratchhead:


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## Q tip

Out of her league?

Dude, wake up. They've got compatible body parts. Same with OM running buddie. Step up and be a H protecting your marriage. Bet she'll say, "oh him? He's gay"

She's proven already that any alone time with another guy is unacceptable behavior. Texting and messaging? Dude, wake up.

Read up on MMSLP. Now.


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## weightlifter

Wife, I'm taking up nude (but closed legs) photography. My hot model /partner is way out of my league so don't worry.


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## NoChoice

Take up running.


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## G.J.

You need to sit her down and very carefully tell het to stop immediatly having a male running partner and the only option is either you or a female running parnter as it came close to you thinking of divorcing her last time.

She does not meet this guy again and any contact from him to her in any shape or form she tells you, and failure to tell you will make you assume she wants out of your marriage

You go with her on her training runs untill you are satisfied this guy has gone

Make 100% sure she understands the seriousness of what she is doing

If you do not confront this head on and hard, be prepaired for heartache

You caught it just in time 7 months ago do not allow this disrpect and eventuall affair to wreck your home as she is playing with you and your childs future


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## KingwoodKev

MFARBER said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> Need some advice and feedback. Wife has a history of at least one EA in the past which I discovered where she was texting on her phone and sending facebook messages. Well, I found out and to make matters worse it was her personal trainer. I know, right? The trainer was way out of her league and have all the proof that you can think of that it's over. The EA lasted to my knowledge about 2 months.
> 
> All things considered I was pissed but over time she has fully shown remorse and at the same time I have moved on. BTW, been married 15 years with an active sex life.
> 
> Over the past summer she completed a marathon and developed a friendship with a running partner who happens to be of the same age(male). They continue to run together and exchange pleasant messages and text(she never deletes them) so everything is out in the open. With the exception of once I did notice that she deleted a text but it was never replied back.
> 
> So, here I am. Not angry but at the same time I have a funny feeling this is going in the wrong direction and really only time will tell. Anyone been in this position before? I almost want to see how it plays out in some bizarre way. No other red flags at the moment.


Your wife having a male partner for pretty much anything is over the line. You better nip that in the bud.


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## MattMatt

I know many women who would be 100% safe with male running partners or male personal trainers. Regretfully I think your wife probably would not be one of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MFARBER

I appreciate all the responses. The first time around with the EA I think I blew my cover too early so things for better or worse never evolved. I am trying to understand how far this will go so that I can determine if I am either overreacting or if in fact this is an issue. I don't want to come across as hovering because I have all those bases covered behind the scenes. I've read all about the ways to look into getting the critical evidence and have done the due diligence. 

Her running partner is in fact not that attractive but I do find it interesting that people hook up that aren't on the same level of attractiveness. I have no experience with EA/PA so not sure. 

Case in point, just realized that she texted him last night at 9:45pm. WTF? Why? For what the hell reason do you do that to another person that is ALSO married? In a way, I hope she gets caught so I can expose from a different angle.


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## MattMatt

MFARBER said:


> I appreciate all the responses. The first time around with the EA I think I blew my cover too early so things for better or worse never evolved. I am trying to understand how far this will go so that I can determine if I am either overreacting or if in fact this is an issue. I don't want to come across as hovering because I have all those bases covered behind the scenes. I've read all about the ways to look into getting the critical evidence and have done the due diligence.
> 
> Her running partner is in fact not that attractive but I do find it interesting that people hook up that aren't on the same level of attractiveness. I have no experience with EA/PA so not sure.
> 
> Case in point, just realized that she texted him last night at 9:45pm. WTF? Why? For what the hell reason do you do that to another person that is ALSO married? In a way, I hope she gets caught so I can expose from a different angle.


I can think of several legit reasons for such a text.

Please do NOT get hung up about the time of texts. A text at lunchtime could be a sign of ongoing infidelity, yet a text at 9.45 might be legit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BostonBruins32

I see this in a running group I'm in (loosely "in", as I only join them weekly or every other week). This group runs together say 4x per week. 

There is 100% chance that there are affairs going on. I watch the facebook activity. The rides together to races etc. You can see things change. I could be misreading it, but I sincerely doubt it.

This is the very reason I can't stomach running with this group. It's literally like a jr high dance with everyone hopped up on endorphins.


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## KingwoodKev

MFARBER said:


> I appreciate all the responses. The first time around with the EA I think I blew my cover too early so things for better or worse never evolved. I am trying to understand how far this will go so that I can determine if I am either overreacting or if in fact this is an issue. I don't want to come across as hovering because I have all those bases covered behind the scenes. I've read all about the ways to look into getting the critical evidence and have done the due diligence.
> 
> Her running partner is in fact not that attractive but I do find it interesting that people hook up that aren't on the same level of attractiveness. I have no experience with EA/PA so not sure.
> 
> Case in point, just realized that she texted him last night at 9:45pm. WTF? Why? For what the hell reason do you do that to another person that is ALSO married? In a way, I hope she gets caught so I can expose from a different angle.


There's no f'ing reason to share that many texts with a running partner. If you don't want her anymore than sit back and do nothing. If you want to save what you have then be the man and say "No, God damn it, this is NOT ok." If you don't run then buy a bicycle and ride along beside her while she runs. If you want to keep your wife then you have to get rid of other male competition. You tell her it's not ok. Then tell him to never text, call, or contact your wife ever again.


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## tom67

KingwoodKev said:


> There's no f'ing reason to share that many texts with a running partner. If you don't want her anymore than sit back and do nothing. If you want to save what you have then be the man and say "No, God damn it, this is NOT ok." If you don't run then buy a bicycle and ride along beside her while she runs. If you want to keep your wife then you have to get rid of other male competition. You tell her it's not ok. Then tell him to never text, call, or contact your wife ever again.


Exactly:banghead:
Start c0ckblocking she is loosing respect for you by not doing so.
Have you read Married Mans Sex Life Primer???
Get it.


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## Q tip

Heck with running, take up photography with weightlifter.


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## G.J.

MFARBER said:


> I appreciate all the responses. The first time around with the EA I think I blew my cover too early so things for better or worse never evolved. I am trying to understand how far this will go so that I can determine if I am either overreacting or if in fact this is an issue. I don't want to come across as hovering because I have all those bases covered behind the scenes. I've read all about the ways to look into getting the critical evidence and have done the due diligence.
> 
> Her running partner is in fact not that attractive but I do find it interesting that people hook up that aren't on the same level of attractiveness. I have no experience with EA/PA so not sure.
> 
> Case in point, just realized that she texted him last night at 9:45pm. WTF? Why? For what the hell reason do you do that to another person that is ALSO married? In a way, I hope she gets caught so I can expose from a different angle.


You are playing with fire
At the minute there is no PA ,well extreamly doubtful, but any one can see where this going if left unchecked so why you want to see more is beyond me as you run the risk of not intervening in time and it destroying your family

You have more than enough to read her the riot act and make it plain what will happen if she persists with this mind set


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## Q tip

And... You're not angry? How about going caveman...


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## tom67

Q tip said:


> And... You're not angry? How about going caveman...


Like this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3y2OOc6WTrg


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## phillybeffandswiss

So, have you seen a counselor for your guilt?


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## HarryDoyle

NoChoice said:


> Take up running.


And tell her you'd like to join them and watch her reaction. I did this once with my WW (not running, gym) and her reaction was priceless! She couldn't get the excuses out fast enough. "you would hate it" "I'm not sure if I'm even going" "I usually give a ride home to somebody" "I work at my own pace" "I might have to leave early if my back acts up" "I might stay late and talk". 
It would have been hilarious if it wasn't so sad.


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## lordmayhem

Q tip said:


> And... You're not angry? How about going caveman...


I bet her reaction is going to "I thought you were over this already!"


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## workindad

What possible reason could she have for deleting select texts? Think about that.

Your willingness to see what will develop is confusing to me. Given your wife's history I would recover the missing text now, if possible. Put a keylogger on her PC and a var in the car.

This does not smell right. Why cant she have a female running partner given her past? Why would you permit a male running partner in the first place?


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## TRy

MFARBER said:


> The first time around with the EA I think I blew my cover too early so things for better or worse never evolved. I am trying to understand how far this will go so that I can determine if I am either overreacting or if in fact this is an issue. I don't want to come across as hovering because I have all those bases covered behind the scenes.


 How exactly is waiting for things between your wife and her other man (OM) to "evolve" to a point of going too far so that you have evidence to show her when you file for divorce, a good plan to save your marriage? She already had an affair less than a year ago. Reconciliation 101 tells you that after an affair, you establish appropriate boundaries and enforce them prior to things ever going too far again. Haven't you learned from her last affair that you need to stop worrying about "hovering" and having her say that you are "overreacting", and start taking action prior things going too far.


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## ThePheonix

TRy said:


> How exactly is waiting for things between your wife and her other man (OM) to "evolve" to a point of going too far so that you have evidence to show her when you file for divorce, a good plan to save your marriage?


I've got news for you Try. If she's out ally catting again, there ain't no desire on her part for old Mfarber to be her one and only to begin with. That exercise and fresh air may make her feel like a new man.


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## phillybeffandswiss

workindad said:


> Put a keylogger on her PC and a var in the car.


Nah, he did all of that the first time IIRC. He either leaves or asserts some real tangible consequences.


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## ReidWright

TRy said:


> How exactly is waiting for things between your wife and her other man (OM) to "evolve" to a point of going too far so that you have evidence to show her when you file for divorce, a good plan to save your marriage? She already had an affair less than a year ago. Reconciliation 101 tells you that after an affair, you establish appropriate boundaries and enforce them prior to things ever going too far again. Haven't you learned from her last affair that you need to stop worrying about "hovering" and having her say that you are "overreacting", and start taking action prior things going too far.


maybe she's not worth the effort to spend all that time c0ckblocking. sure, you'll catch her and prevent her once or twice, but it sounds like she's getting hung up on every guy that will spend some time with her.

it'd be like having a "friend" that is constantly trying to rob your house, and you kept foiling their plans. would you really bother trying to keep a relationship with them?


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## Graywolf2

MFARBER said:


> Weare both early 40s, married for more than 15 years.
> 
> I just noticed some subtle changes like working out 6-7 times a week, bs diets and fads, trying to be pretty and young like some of the other wives in our suburban area.
> 
> The trainer was way out of her league and have all the proof that you can think of that it's over.



39-40 years old is the prime time for an affair. Your wife wants to prove that she still has it. What better way than to get [email protected] by a guy out of her league. She’s a runner so she can’t be that fat. Guys are pigs. They’ll take a free [email protected] if one is offered. Have you heard the phrase “Put a flag over her face and do it for your country?”



MFARBER said:


> I noticed she was keeping her phone on her 24/7, texting, on facebook, etc.
> 
> Next time it will be nuclear and we are over and I will tell my family about her, our mutual friends, as well as her family. End of marriage.
> 
> I have access to all of her social media accounts. Including email. Trainer is gone-no more.


She learned from her mistakes and knows there will be a big price to pay if she’s caught. My bet is a burner phone. 

LOOK HERE:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html#post9756666


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## lordmayhem

ThePheonix said:


> I've got news for you Try. If she's out ally catting again, there ain't no desire on her part for old Mfarber to be her one and only to begin with. That exercise and fresh air may make her feel like a new man.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Less than a year out from the first affair and she's already starting down this road again. = False R.


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## thummper

Seems like whenever a wife starts "running" with another man, a deep "friendship" develops. I've read several stories on this site where that friendship eventually turns into an affair, usually a physical one. Too much time spent away from hubby with another guy is NOT a recipe for a successful marriage imo.


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## IIJokerII

MFARBER said:


> I appreciate all the responses. The first time around with the EA I think I blew my cover too early so things for better or worse never evolved. I am trying to understand how far this will go so that I can determine if I am either overreacting or if in fact this is an issue. I don't want to come across as hovering because I have all those bases covered behind the scenes. I've read all about the ways to look into getting the critical evidence and have done the due diligence.
> 
> Her running partner is in fact not that attractive but I do find it interesting that people hook up that aren't on the same level of attractiveness. I have no experience with EA/PA so not sure.
> 
> Case in point, just realized that she texted him last night at 9:45pm. WTF? Why? For what the hell reason do you do that to another person that is ALSO married? In a way, I hope she gets caught so I can expose from a different angle.


 Farber.....Ready...Here it is.....The one and only advice you need to follow. You have just seen the tail of the serpent called infidelity enter your marital field of grass......Wanna know how to get it out...

Enblaze the effing grass!!!!


The field will grow back. If you do not do this you will be bitten again and have no one to blame as it was your choice to walk in the grass knowing full well you are vulnerable to an attack. We are on page three. Page 5 is the limit. By then your inaction will lead to a point of near no return. No pull out the matches and do what must be done...

NOW!!!!!


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## Thor

How long have you had the surveillance in place? Have you gotten anything at all from it?

Do you have GPS on her car? You need to verify she is running when and where she says she is, not driving to the No Tell Motel for an hour of indoor workouts.

What about her cell phone? You need a way to get her text messages. You can review the phone bill to check phone calls but you generally cannot get the content of text messages.

I think I would be very direct but not accusatory. Tell her that her previous affair with her trainer is still causing you distress, and she is in the same pattern as far as having a 1 on 1 relationship with a man in a fitness related activity. Therefor you need her to take extraordinary measures to help you be comfortable with it. So you need her to work with you to develop a comprehensive transparency plan. Including a cell phone monitoring app. Also, no deleting any emails or text messages, and you both have each others sign ons for all accounts.

I would leave out mentioning VARs, GPS and a keylogger on her computer. 

She could still delete texts, have a burner phone, secret email accts, etc. The purpose of the conversation is to wake her up if she is getting a bit foggy but not yet stepped over the line. She may be remorseful and not want another affair, but she does not recognize her weak boundaries or how you are still hurting. The conversation sets up a healthy climate considering her history of EA/PA with the trainer. It is also a bit of deception on your part, allowing her a false sense of security if she is already in another affair. 

The only reason to appear soft to her is if she is already cheating, so you can gather intel. If she is not cheating, you need to be strong in requiring boundaries and transparency.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

Graywolf2 said:


> Have you heard the phrase “Put a flag over her face and do it for your country?”


No, but I have heard drape a flag across her a$$ and pretend that you're screwing the government.


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## Q tip

Depending on the phone, you can recover deleted texts, pics, emails... Whatever was deleted.

But my question is - then what, Mr. Beta? You still gotta read MMSLP. It will work with the current W or the next one.

Just please... *D O S O M E T H I N G....!!!!!!!*

You seem to be afraid. She's nothing to be afraid of. Everything you've been taught about women is wrong. Read the F'ing book already!

Remember, the OM has made no vows to you or your W. If your W had no pu$$y, he would not be running with her. What's wrong with you anyway...?


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## harrybrown

Good luck with your approach.

If you do not want her anymore, get a D. 

But at least ask the the OM's wife, if you two can go watch a movie while they run.

Why can't his wife go with him?


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## The Middleman

MFARBER said:


> I appreciate all the responses. The first time around with the EA I think I blew my cover too early so things for better or worse never evolved. I am trying to understand how far this will go so that I can determine if I am either overreacting or if in fact this is an issue. I don't want to come across as hovering because I have all those bases covered behind the scenes. I've read all about the ways to look into getting the critical evidence and have done the due diligence.
> 
> Her running partner is in fact not that attractive but I do find it interesting that people hook up that aren't on the same level of attractiveness. I have no experience with EA/PA so not sure.
> 
> Case in point, just realized that she texted him last night at 9:45pm. WTF? Why? For what the hell reason do you do that to another person that is ALSO married? In a way, I hope she gets caught so I can expose from a different angle.


Dude, what's wrong with with just sitting her down and discussing it. In your discussion you say that you are not comfortable with this relationship and you want it to end now .... cold turkey. If she doesn't end it, you start making having that relationship very difficult for her by showing up all the time and giving the running partner a hard time. If you get the inevitable "you don't trust me" comment your response should be "I don't, because of your past history". She is doing this to you because you have shown her that you will put up with this bull crap. It has to be your way or the highway.


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## TRy

ThePheonix said:


> I've got news for you Try. If she's out ally catting again, there ain't no desire on her part for old Mfarber to be her one and only to begin with. That exercise and fresh air may make her feel like a new man.


Although it is not news to me, and I agree with your assessment of the OP's situation, without agreeing with the OP's goal, I was asking my question based on the OP's goal of still trying to make the relationship work, and pointing out that the OP's course of action does match up with his goal.


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## happyman64

Mfarber

Did you go look at her 9:45pm text?

Maybe it was to review their course for tomorrow?

I hope you look into it and make sure the text was not deleted.

HM


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## thummper

Q tip said:


> Depending on the phone, you can recover deleted texts, pics, emails... Whatever was deleted.
> 
> But my question is - then what, Mr. Beta? You still gotta read MMSLP. It will work with the current W or the next one.
> 
> Just please... *D O S O M E T H I N G....!!!!!!!*
> 
> You seem to be afraid. She's nothing to be afraid of. Everything you've been taught about women is wrong. Read the F'ing book already!
> 
> Remember, the OM has made no vows to you or your W. * If your W had no pu$$y, he would not be running with her*. What's wrong with you anyway...?


Now *THAT* is a fantastic observation, and so true. All these people who say it's perfectly ok for a married woman to have male friends totally ignore the fact that men are CONSTANTLY searching for pvssy wherever they can get it. Some guys make a hobby out of "courting" married women, not for friendship, but to get in their pants. And the women will vehemently deny that this is going on. "Oh, I know his heart. He's just a very good friend. He'd never try anything with me. He respects me too much." Oh PLEEZE!!! These are the very ladies who, sooner or later, are left wondering," Oh God, how did I let this happen? What if my husband finds out?" And more often than not, they always find out. And the "friend?" Oh, he's long gone and on to the next conquest.


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## Q tip

harrybrown said:


> Good luck with your approach.
> 
> If you do not want her anymore, get a D.
> 
> But at least ask the the OM's wife, if you two can go watch a movie while they run.
> 
> Why can't his wife go with him?


And why can't OP go with his own W. Geeze...


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## NextTimeAround

thummper said:


> Seems like whenever a wife starts "running" with another man, a deep "friendship" develops. I've read several stories on this site where that friendship eventually turns into an affair, usually a physical one. Too much time spent away from hubby with another guy is NOT a recipe for a successful marriage imo.




Yeah, like Paula Broadwell and General Patreaus. She was interviewed on the Daily Show and when she said she regularly runs with Patreaus, I thought uh-oh, an EA in the making.


----------



## lifeistooshort

thummper said:


> Seems like whenever a wife starts "running" with another man, a deep "friendship" develops. I've read several stories on this site where that friendship eventually turns into an affair, usually a physical one. Too much time spent away from hubby with another guy is NOT a recipe for a successful marriage imo.



I don't think this is necessarily true. I've been running for 25 years and have run with more men then I can count and never had an affair. I have women runner friends too that run with various men and none are engaged in affairs as far as I know . But I will concede it's a risk for someone not completely happy at home and with poor boundaries; I know people that are unhappy at home but have boundaries , so affairs don't develop. 

I also know runners whose spouses don't run but they do come to races and get involved. I think this is a good idea, to become part of your spouse's running circle. I know with hb and I we are open with everyone we run with and the conversations we have. We also don't communicate with opposite sex runners when not running, unless it's a couple thing. 

I think this op is making a mistake to sit back and let things develop. He should be fully involved in what she's doing and should be spending lots of time with her. Better yet take up running and show up with her. She has poor boundaries so it's only a matter of time. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

This all depends. Is a person looking for someone to run with, or are they looking for someone to run *away* with?


----------



## MajorOak

Sadly a cheater never change's their spots, they just get more cunning. It must feel like dachau vous, what did you learn from first experience?

Sometimes wonder if we are combating a chemical illness.


----------



## 'CuseGal

Maybe I'm totally off base here, but it almost seems like the OP is looking for an excuse to end his marriage and simply wants to make sure it's all on his wife. I mean, rather than confronting her about this and trying to stop it going forward, he's just going to monitor it and see how far it goes? Feels like he wants out but wants to make sure everyone knows it's all her fault probably including their families and the family court system. So he's waiting for her to give him absolute proof.

OP, I'm sorry if I'm wrong but that is how your posts come across IMHO.


----------



## lifeistooshort

happyman64 said:


> Mfarber
> 
> Did you go look at her 9:45pm text?
> 
> Maybe it was to review their course for tomorrow?
> 
> I hope you look into it and make sure the text was not deleted.
> 
> HM


If I got such a text from a running friend at night (it has happened) the first thing I'd do is tell my hb that so and so texted me and wants to know what our route is tomorrow, and my phone would be out for him to see. He'd do the same for me. The fact that she didn't is a great indicator that all is not right here.


----------



## Sports Fan

I am a firm believer that personal friendships with the opposite sex are a huge No No.

You have been bitten once due to her friendship with a person of the opposite sex. She blew her chance right then and there. You'd be silly to let it happen again.

If you dont put a stop to this so called friendship here and now you will be back here in tears. And this time it will be yourself to blame becuase you should of known better.

I am not trying to offend just dont want to you become another statistic. Already she has started messaging the guy at 9.45pm. No good will come of this unless you act and enforce clear boundaries. No friendships with the opposite sex.


----------



## MFARBER

I really appreciate all the replies. In summary: 
*yes to the GPS
*yes to keylog
*yes to VAR
*yes to every possible thing you can imagine on monitoring.

And yes, I run as well. Done 9 marathons so I get the running group concept. Would really appreciate a female opinion as well much like described. 

I am not looking to end my marriage or look for ways out at all. What I don't want to do is scare off much like I did the first time without much needed proof. I mean, a few texts back and forth is not grounds for demolition. I have all the deleted texts(2) and they amount to very little. What does piss me off though is that they were deleted. I want this to play out because right now I don't have much and I hope it doesn't continue but where it stands right now I will be in the same position as last time where I confronted too early.


----------



## KingwoodKev

Sports Fan said:


> I am a firm believer that personal friendships with the opposite sex are a huge No No.
> 
> You have been bitten once due to her friendship with a person of the opposite sex. She blew her chance right then and there. You'd be silly to let it happen again.
> 
> If you dont put a stop to this so called friendship here and now you will be back here in tears. And this time it will be yourself to blame becuase you should of known better.
> 
> I am not trying to offend just dont want to you become another statistic. Already she has started messaging the guy at 9.45pm. No good will come of this unless you act and enforce clear boundaries. No friendships with the opposite sex.


OSF for married people is a HUGE out of bounds play. There is no reason for it whatsoever unless shenanigans are afoot.


----------



## tom67

MFARBER said:


> I really appreciate all the replies. In summary:
> *yes to the GPS
> *yes to keylog
> *yes to VAR
> *yes to every possible thing you can imagine on monitoring.
> 
> And yes, I run as well. Done 9 marathons so I get the running group concept. Would really appreciate a female opinion as well much like described.
> 
> I am not looking to end my marriage or look for ways out at all. What I don't want to do is scare off much like I did the first time without much needed proof. I mean, a few texts back and forth is not grounds for demolition. I have all the deleted texts(2) and they amount to very little. What does piss me off though is that they were deleted. I want this to play out because right now I don't have much and I hope it doesn't continue but where it stands right now I will be in the same position as last time where I confronted too early.


You want the marriage fine...
Start defending it!!!
Oye vey.
Consequences!!!


----------



## Q tip

You can recover deleted texts. Mails, pics...


----------



## ConanHub

What boundaries, if any, did you establish after your WW cheated on you?

It would seem pretty obvious that OSF would be off the menu after she decided she liked what was on another man's plate.

Thoughts OP?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thundarr

MFARBER said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> Need some advice and feedback. Wife has a history of at least one EA in the past which I discovered where she was texting on her phone and sending facebook messages. Well, I found out and to make matters worse it was her personal trainer. I know, right? The trainer was way out of her league and have all the proof that you can think of that it's over. The EA lasted to my knowledge about 2 months.
> 
> All things considered I was pissed but over time she has fully shown remorse and at the same time I have moved on. BTW, been married 15 years with an active sex life.
> 
> Over the past summer she completed a marathon and developed a friendship with a running partner who happens to be of the same age(male). They continue to run together and exchange pleasant messages and text(she never deletes them) so everything is out in the open. With the exception of once I did notice that she deleted a text but it was never replied back.
> 
> So, here I am. Not angry but at the same time I have a funny feeling this is going in the wrong direction and really only time will tell. Anyone been in this position before? I almost want to see how it plays out in some bizarre way. No other red flags at the moment.


Read about WSs and heavy lifting MFARBER. You've done everything to make her cheat again. She had an EA and you didn't set a boundary regarding trainers and work out partners. You better believe she knows you should have. By not doing so you've rug swept this and you've made yourself look very weak in her eyes.

It's not too late if you're willing to give ultimatums (yes ultimatums) and let her choose to leave if she doesn't like them. If you ever wonder what women mean when they talk about a guy having confidence, that's what they mean. A guy ready to walk away if he's being treated like a fool.


----------



## workindad

tom67 said:


> You want the marriage fine...
> Start defending it!!!
> Oye vey.
> Consequences!!!



:iagree::iagree:


----------



## tom67

ConanHub said:


> What boundaries, if any, did you establish after your WW cheated on you?
> 
> It would seem pretty obvious that OSF would be off the menu after she decided she liked what was on another man's plate.
> 
> Thoughts OP?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


PM a guy named Marduk he'll spell it out for ya.


----------



## tom67

Thundarr said:


> Read about WSs and heavy lifting MFARBER. You've done everything to make her cheat again. She had an EA and you didn't set a boundary regarding trainers and work out partners. You better believe she knows you should have. By not doing so you've rug swept this and you've made yourself look very weak in her eyes.
> 
> It's not too late if you're willing to give ultimatums (yes ultimatums) and let her choose to leave if she doesn't like them. If you ever wonder what women mean when they talk about a guy having confidence, that's what they mean. A guy ready to walk away if he's being treated like a fool.


No More Mr Nice Guy

Married Mans Sex Life Primer
I usually don't cross forum but read this guys this IS a man who demands respect
SurvivingInfidelity.com - Thought we had a good marriage
Bottom line if you don't respect yourself who will???


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

MFARBER said:


> *Would really appreciate a female opinion* as well much like described.


Here you go and she is a runner as well. 


lifeistooshort said:


> Runner here, hb runner too. Just did a marathon 2 weeks ago. I've had many male running buddies, hb has had female buddies. It's fine if you have boundaries, but your wife doesn't. *We don't communicate with our buddies when not running, and we share most conversations had during run. **Your wife shouldn't have male running buddies.* *Ask her find women to run with, if she's committed to your marriage she'll understand and agree.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





lifeistooshort said:


> I don't think this is necessarily true. I've been running for 25 years and have run with more men then I can count and never had an affair. I have women runner friends too that run with various men and none are engaged in affairs as far as I know . But I will concede it's a risk for someone not completely happy at home and with poor boundaries; I know people that are unhappy at home but have boundaries , so affairs don't develop.
> 
> I also know runners whose spouses don't run but they do come to races and get involved. I think this is a good idea, to become part of your spouse's running circle. I know with hb and I we are open with everyone we run with and the conversations we have. We also don't communicate with opposite sex runners when not running, unless it's a couple thing.
> 
> I think this op is making a mistake to sit back and let things develop. He should be fully involved in what she's doing and should be spending lots of time with her. Better yet take up running and show up with her. * She has poor boundaries so it's only a matter of time. *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





lifeistooshort said:


> If I got such a text from a running friend at night (it has happened) *the first thing I'd do is tell my hb that so and so texted me and wants to know what our route is tomorrow, and my phone would be out for him to see. He'd do the same for me. * The fact that she didn't is a great indicator that all is not right here.


IMO, You are looking for opinions saying you are overreacting or your wife is fine.


----------



## tom67

Farber you said you are a runner also:scratchhead::scratchhead:
Why aren't you two running together???
I well...
wish you luck I can't help you


----------



## Thundarr

tom67 said:


> No More Mr Nice Guy
> 
> Married Mans Sex Life Primer
> I usually don't cross forum but read this guys this IS a man who demands respect
> SurvivingInfidelity.com - Thought we had a good marriage
> Bottom line if you don't respect yourself who will???


And also important, don't slam yourself for not instinctively figuring this stuff out. Yes it's plain as day once you get it and get insecurities out of the way.


----------



## Thundarr

phillybeffandswiss said:


> IMO, You are looking for opinions saying you are overreacting or your wife is fine.


MFARBER are you still here? If you're interested in psychology and human nature then you'll see that people follow the same scripts over and over. Maybe it's in our innate wiring. It's scary how often we see the same dynamics play out and normally the people involved only see it after the fact.

You're following the rug sweeper's script. Fear and insecurity have you searching for alternatives because the correct solution involves risk that are easy to see. The unfortunate part is that the path you're taking is a self fulfilling prophecy. Rug sweeping is viewed as extremely unattractive by the partner who knows they deserve to be held accountable.


----------



## KingwoodKev

MFARBER, You seem like a decent guy. It's time for you to be the man and husband of this relationship. Sit her down and tell her this sh!t is NOT acceptable and to knock it off right away. Then contact this "running partner" and tell him to never contact your wife again in any way or there's going to be trouble in his life. Fight for your woman, dude, or she's going to think you're a chump.


----------



## altawa

This is almost like watching a friend of mines situation repeat itself.


----------



## Thor

thummper said:


> Now *THAT* is a fantastic observation, and so true. All these people who say it's perfectly ok for a married woman to have male friends totally ignore the fact that men are CONSTANTLY searching for pvssy wherever they can get it. Some guys make a hobby out of "courting" married women, not for friendship, but to get in their pants. And the women will vehemently deny that this is going on. "Oh, I know his heart. He's just a very good friend. He'd never try anything with me. He respects me too much."


Those players are recognized by the women and though they deny it to their husbands, the women are intrigued and attracted by it. My wife's first boyfriend was and still is a pro musician with a reputation since he was in his 20's of preferring to bed married women, and he apparently got plenty of action.

Years ago when we would get together with her old group of friends, they'd all talk about this guy. The men, who were all single except for me, were impressed with his success with women. The women included at least 2 who dated him, and probably all the rest had sex with him too. They all had starry looks in their eyes talking about him.

Women hear through the grapevine about the men who are on the prowl for married women. They know exactly what is going on.


----------



## TRy

altawa said:


> This is almost like watching a friend of mines situation repeat itself.


 It is also almost like watching a train wreak that you see is developing, and there is nothing that you can do to stop it because the conductor will not believe anyone that is trying to tell him that the sound that he is hearing is another train.


----------



## lifeistooshort

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Here you go and she is a runner as well.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IMO, You are looking for opinions saying you are overreacting or your wife is fine.



Thanks! I was all set to post that I was a woman but you beat me to it.

It's quite easy to fall into these EA's, running can be great bonding time. The ones who have success with opposite sex running buddies and keeping a good marriage are the ones that make a concerted effort to maintain good boundaries; you don't even have to be actively looking.....the ones that are lax about it get sucked in eventually. And OP, remember that "attractive" is highly subjective, and he may be less attractive then you but that doesn't make him unattractive. I could point out women I find unattractive but hb may not agree. You really should take a proactive stance here.


----------



## G.J.

MFARBER said:


> I really appreciate all the replies. In summary:
> *yes to the GPS
> *yes to keylog
> *yes to VAR
> *yes to every possible thing you can imagine on monitoring.
> 
> And yes, I run as well. Done 9 marathons so I get the running group concept. Would really appreciate a female opinion as well much like described.
> 
> I am not looking to end my marriage or look for ways out at all. What I don't want to do is scare off much like I did the first time without much needed proof. I mean, a few texts back and forth is not grounds for demolition. I have all the deleted texts(2) and they amount to very little. What does piss me off though is that they were deleted. I want this to play out because right now I don't have much and I hope it doesn't continue but where it stands right now I will be in the same position as last time where I confronted too early.


You seem to want to play this down so much it hurts reading

*EXACTLY *what do the texts say that where deleted, that you say amount to very little ?????


----------



## convert

you should probably recover those deleted Texts


----------



## naiveonedave

this is precisely how my brothers marriage ended. She took up running and which then other stuff with an OM.


----------



## turnera

MFARBER said:


> I really appreciate all the replies. In summary:
> *yes to the GPS
> *yes to keylog
> *yes to VAR
> *yes to every possible thing you can imagine on monitoring.
> 
> And yes, I run as well. Done 9 marathons so I get the running group concept. Would really appreciate a female opinion as well much like described.
> 
> I am not looking to end my marriage or look for ways out at all. What I don't want to do is scare off much like I did the first time without much needed proof. I mean, a few texts back and forth is not grounds for demolition. I have all the deleted texts(2) and they amount to very little. What does piss me off though is that they were deleted. I want this to play out because right now I don't have much and I hope it doesn't continue but where it stands right now I will be in the same position as last time where I confronted too early.


Woman here. What I would want from my H if I were your wife is for you to tell me, face to face "I don't trust you any more because of the EA. I now see you spending inordinate amounts of time training and texting yet ANOTHER man, and I'm not happy. I want you to find a female running partner. I can't make you put my feelings ahead of you in this ONE CASE, but if you choose not to, I will consider that a death blow to this marriage and I will move forward accordingly."

That way you're not accusing her of anything, so there's nothing she has to disprove. You're stating YOUR BOUNDARY, what YOU need in YOUR marriage - not to have to worry about your wife bonding with another man - and then letting her make the choice: keep this guy in her life or put her marriage first.


----------



## turnera

KingwoodKev said:


> MFARBER, You seem like a decent guy. It's time for you to be the man and husband of this relationship. Sit her down and tell her this sh!t is NOT acceptable and to knock it off right away. Then contact this "running partner" and tell him to never contact your wife again in any way or there's going to be trouble in his life. Fight for your woman, dude, or she's going to think you're a chump.


This. 

Perfect.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Every time that these two run together they grow a little closer.

At first it's mostly about running. Then it starts to also be about other things in their lives, jobs, kids and spouses/So's that start to get talked about.

THEN marital/relationship problems start to come up. Now he's MORE than a running partner. He's who she tells her hopes and dreams to. It's who she goes to with her problems and hardships.

Then one of them says to the other something like "It's too bad that we didn't know each other way back when. I think we would have hit it off".

THEN they start thinking about each other when they're not together. It started as only shared jogging sessions, but now it's much more.

THEN one day, they both hunch over to tie their running shoes. There faces are now just mere inches apart. One of them can't hold back any longer and reaches in for a kiss...

THEN it begins.

I don't know what you're currently doing about this, but if it were I, there's no way I could just sit idly by on the sidelines knowing that this has a distinct possibility of becoming an affair(if it hasn't already). I 'd have to wonder if I was being replaced. I'd have to find out. I'd have to know.


----------



## Q tip

Go genetic memory. Go caveman. Claim your property.

Or even better - read Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011.

Your wife desires marital leadership. A real man. To tell her when she's good and when she's bad. Someone to fix her. Guide her. Ravish her.

Letting her do what she's doing is your beta talking. You yourself do not like it, but are stuck without a solution. Your beta indoctrination has you in full check. Take the red pill.

You are now experiencing beta indoctrination to its full extent. And you don't like it one bit. Be the man she desires. Take charge.


----------



## Chaparral

The part I don't understand is that you're both runners but she runs with another man. What's up with that. Well honestly, none of this makes sense to me as a man.


----------



## LongWalk

Take up martial arts. Build your upper body. Facebook friend the hottest woman doing Thai kick boxing.


----------



## G.J.

LongWalk said:


> Take up martial arts. Build your upper body. Facebook friend the hottest woman doing Thai kick boxing.


Think ive just seen her mentioned in another thread


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Chaparral said:


> The part I don't understand is that you're both runners but she runs with another man. What's up with that.


Thank you.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Chaparral said:


> The part I don't understand is that you're both runners but she runs with another man. What's up with that. Well honestly, none of this makes sense to me as a man.


I'll take a stab at this. We don't always run together..... we often have different goals and training plans, and we have different schedules. I do some runs at lunch and at my old job I had work friends that ran too, before my hb got laid off he did almost all of his running at lunch and knew people over there. On the weekend we don't meet others, well I have some girlfriends that I'll meet to run sometimes so we can have girl time but clearly that's different. But it would surprise me if they never ran together, even for a few miles. It's great bonding time.

So my take is that there could be perfectly good reasons that they're not running together and running with others, happens all the time, but given her history of poor boundaries and questionable relationships it's not a good idea for her.


----------



## lordmayhem

G.J. said:


> Think ive just seen her mentioned in another thread


Oh yeah, and you can go out for drinks afterwards.


----------



## Chaparral

I only occasionally see more than one runner at a time. I see a lot of pairs cycling though.

I can't imagine a man and a woman , not being in a realtionship wanting to run together. If they are both experienced runners, wouldn't the man be held back to let his running partner keep up?

Sorry to side track here. The subject is why a man let's a known cheating wife develope another inapropriate relationship under his nose and why his wife cares nothing for him.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Chaparral said:


> I only occasionally see more than one runner at a time. I see a lot of pairs cycling though.
> 
> *I can't imagine a man and a woman , not being in a realtionship wanting to run together. If they are both experienced runners, wouldn't the man be held back to let his running partner keep up?*
> 
> Sorry to side track here. The subject is why a man let's a known cheating wife develope another inapropriate relationship under his nose and why his wife cares nothing for him.


Absolutely not. There are plenty of men who can't keep up with me. Honestly not trying to be a jerk here but that comment is ridiculous to the point of laughable and frankly a little offensive.....runners come in all levels of ability. A runner would never make a comment like that. Why would you assume that every single experienced male runner outclasses every single experienced female runner? Google results from any race ever run in the last 20 years and look at the overall finisher list, you'll see men and women interspersed. Even very experienced people come in all ability levels. True the top professionals probably don't train together by gender but once you get into the world of us mortals peoples' abilities vary, and plenty of women will beat lots of men. If you're a serious runner you don't see them necessarily as men but as fellow runners and training partners that happen to be men. I'm not there to fill my emotional needs, I'm there to get my a$$ kicked and become a better runner. When you see them like that you're safe to go.

FYI, I drop my husband all the time when we go together, and other times we stay together depending on our goal for the day and how we feel.


----------



## Q tip

I don't get this running partner stuff. Would slow me down. I'd be half focused on the pretty lady next to me and probably stumble and trip a bit.

I've always run alone or in groups. I used to run a lot. A whole lot. Upwards to 30 miles 3 or 4 times a week. Pretty much alone. Groups would slow me down, so I never cared to do that.

Opposite sex folks? Good luck with that... A proven cheating spouse doing that. No way. Stomp that idea right out of her little hamster cage.


----------



## Chaparral

lifeistooshort said:


> Absolutely not. There are plenty of men who can't keep up with me. Honestly not trying to be a jerk here but that comment is ridiculous to the point of laughable and frankly a little offensive.....runners come in all levels of ability. A runner would never make a comment like that. Why would you assume that every single experienced male runner outclasses every single experienced female runner? Google results from any race ever run in the last 20 years and look at the overall finisher list, you'll see men and women interspersed. Even very experienced people come in all ability levels. True the top professionals probably don't train together by gender but once you get into the world of us mortals peoples' abilities vary, and plenty of women will beat lots of men. If you're a serious runner you don't see them necessarily as men but as fellow runners and training partners that happen to be men. I'm not there to fill my emotional needs, I'm there to get my a$$ kicked and become a better runner. When you see them like that you're safe to go.
> 
> FYI, I drop my husband all the time when we go together, and other times we stay together depending on our goal for the day and how we feel.



Like I said, I don't see many running pairs, do people do that for safety? 

There is nothing sexist in what I said. Try not to make assumptions. All through school training for sports etc. I had to run. I despise it except for in game situations. Running for football was hell. Love cycling and weights.


The situation here is a no brainer, she's out of line and op has no boundaries, I.e. no respect.


----------



## thummper

She continues to build a "friendship" with this guy simply because hubby lets her do it. Apparently he's not ever going to tell her to knock it off. Thus, he deserves what happens. If it were me, I would NEVER allow my wife to spend this much time in such close proximity with another man. If that sounds controlling, tough! If she insisted, then I would seriously reconsider my life with her. I have never believed in marrieds having "close friends" with member of the opposite sex. That is a surefire recipe for eventual marital disaster.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Chaparral said:


> Like I said, I don't see many running pairs, do people do that for safety?
> 
> There is nothing sexist in what I said. Try not to make assumptions. All through school training for sports etc. I had to run. I despise it except for in game situations. Running for football was hell. Love cycling and weights.
> 
> 
> The situation here is a no brainer, she's out of line and op has no boundaries, I.e. no respect.


Well if you'd read my I other posts you'd see that I agree she's out of line and has no business with men given her history. Perhaps you didn't mean your comment like it came off. 

In school it's less so, as the boys are generally faster and friendships always have hormones involved. The adult world is a little different, I'm just saying that ability wise men and women are mixed. I had three partners at my old job who were great for me because one was faster and would drag my a$$ along, one was right about my level if I worked hard, and one was a little slower but he'd kick his own arse to stay up with me. No affairs, all married, just painful training and that's it. No communicating outside of work, though they are on my FB page. Don't talk to them much though and nothing private. 

I have some women partners but they aren't always available, and fewer women can run with me. I'm not a pro but I have won the open women's division at some smaller races.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KingwoodKev

No opposite sex running partners for married people. It's just that simple. It's unnecessary and inappropriate. If a married person has to be told this then there's already a big problem.


----------



## lordmayhem

Chaparral said:


> I can't imagine a man and a woman , not being in a realtionship wanting to run together. If they are both experienced runners, wouldn't the man be held back to let his running partner keep up?


Back when I used to run a lot, this chick that I worked with wanted to be my running partner. I never ran with anyone before, and she'd always slow me down. Then she starts to want to talk afterwards. It was then that I realized that she was hitting on me. I confirmed it when I heard the rumors about her and me and that she apparently liked me. I had to shut that off fast. I had an opportunity to bang this chick and cheat, but didn't. 



Chaparral said:


> Sorry to side track here. The subject is why a man let's a known cheating wife develope another inapropriate relationship under his nose and why his wife cares nothing for him.


Ask Dday in his strike three, or is it strike 5 thread.


----------



## KingwoodKev

lordmayhem said:


> Back when I used to run a lot, this chick that I worked with wanted to be my running partner. I never ran with anyone before, and she'd always slow me down. Then she starts to want to talk afterwards. It was then that I realized that she was hitting on me. I confirmed it when I heard the rumors about her and me and that she apparently liked me. I had to shut that off fast. I had an opportunity to bang this chick and cheat, but didn't.
> 
> 
> 
> Ask Dday in his strike three, or is it strike 5 thread.


You're a good man. For married people there is no such thing as OSF. There's always something going on even if one of them doesn't know it.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Aren't there running clubs in the area?


----------



## Q tip

OSF. Oh... that means Opposite Sex Friends. In this thread I had assumed it meant: Opposite Sex F**k. Right? Now I see where this just might be an issue...

/snarkoff


----------



## vellocet

MFARBER said:


> Over the past summer she completed a marathon and developed a friendship with a running partner who happens to be of the same age(male). They continue to run together and exchange pleasant messages and text(she never deletes them) so everything is out in the open.


Doesn't matter if she is out in the open with them. Given her past, why would she even begin to think this would be a good thing and that you would have absolutely no problem it?

Call me crazy, but if I were to have been caught in an EA/PA, whatever, there would be no way I'd be texting another woman or developing a friendship that would involve doing things together. Your wife must not give a hoot about how you feel about this. She got caught in an EA, and by god that shouldn't stop her from developing a close relationship with another man! That just wouldn't be fair to her!


----------



## vellocet

turnera said:


> Woman here. What I would want from my H if I were your wife is for you to tell me, face to face "I don't trust you any more because of the EA. I now see you spending inordinate amounts of time training and texting yet ANOTHER man, and I'm not happy. I want you to find a female running partner. I can't make you put my feelings ahead of you in this ONE CASE, but if you choose not to, I will consider that a death blow to this marriage and I will move forward accordingly."
> 
> That way you're not accusing her of anything, so there's nothing she has to disprove. You're stating YOUR BOUNDARY, what YOU need in YOUR marriage - not to have to worry about your wife bonding with another man - and then letting her make the choice: keep this guy in her life or put her marriage first.


:iagree:

Yes, this above. And if you were to tell her the things T has listed above, and she comes back with defensiveness, then there is your answer. She doesn't give a sh*t about you.

If she understands and takes steps to let the other guy know that given her past, the friendship as it stands is not appropriate, then mission accomplished.


----------



## MFARBER

Thanks for the additional information. What I find interesting is that her text messages were set to iMessage on iPhone which leads me to believe she was looking to have messages not hit her data carrier so they couldn't be billed upon usage. 

Very certain no PA contact yet but at the same point why not let it play out to see who the true person is in terms of character? If I "bust" this too early what would really change? Why not test to see of the true colors?


----------



## altawa

MFARBER said:


> Thanks for the additional information. What I find interesting is that her text messages were set to iMessage on iPhone which leads me to believe she was looking to have messages not hit her data carrier so they couldn't be billed upon usage.
> 
> Very certain no PA contact yet but at the same point why not let it play out to see who the true person is in terms of character? If I "bust" this too early what would really change? Why not test to see of the true colors?


Depends on what you want out of the situation I guess. Recover the texts if you can.


----------



## tacoma

MFARBER said:


> Thanks for the additional information. What I find interesting is that her text messages were set to iMessage on iPhone which leads me to believe she was looking to have messages not hit her data carrier so they couldn't be billed upon usage.


You can't set a text to come through iMessage, it only happens when one Apple device is texting another Apple device and it can't be avoided.



> Very certain no PA contact yet but at the same point why not let it play out to see who the true person is in terms of character? If I "bust" this too early what would really change? Why not test to see of the true colors?


Because there's nothing to test.

She's been tested before and failed.

Having been busted in an EA she should be aware having a male running partner is simply wrong.


----------



## Thundarr

MFARBER said:


> Thanks for the additional information. What I find interesting is that her text messages were set to iMessage on iPhone which leads me to believe she was looking to have messages not hit her data carrier so they couldn't be billed upon usage.
> 
> Very certain no PA contact yet but at the same point why not let it play out to see who the true person is in terms of character? If I "bust" this too early what would really change? Why not test to see of the true colors?


Didn't she already fail the test when she had an EA? Once that happened it becomes either reconcile with her doing the heavy lifting required or not. You didn't actually hold her to simple and obvious heavy lifting like no more training partners.

"why not test" is a nifty way to postpone consequece but it's obviously rediculous to have not set boundaries after the first time if you actually wanted to reconcile.


----------



## Tobyboy

MFARBER said:


> Thanks for the additional information. What I find interesting is that her text messages were set to iMessage on iPhone which leads me to believe she was looking to have messages not hit her data carrier so they couldn't be billed upon usage.
> 
> Very certain no PA contact yet but at the same point why not let it play out to see who the true person is in terms of character? If I "bust" this too early what would really change? Why not test to see of the true colors?


I like your style. I think I would do the same and closely watch it unfold. Of course, at the same time get my ducks in a row. 

So you recovered the texts? What they say?


----------



## tom67

MFARBER said:


> Thanks for the additional information. What I find interesting is that her text messages were set to iMessage on iPhone which leads me to believe she was looking to have messages not hit her data carrier so they couldn't be billed upon usage.
> 
> Very certain no PA contact yet but at the same point why not let it play out to see who the true person is in terms of character? If I "bust" this too early what would really change? Why not test to see of the true colors?


MFARBER first off thanks for reading and coming back.
Here it goes...
She has done this before.
By not telling her to stop this crap or you are divorcing her you are looking weak.
Do you want to save the marriage?
Start giving her the impression you are moving on a man of mystery so to speak.
Have friends of your given you pretty much the same info we have?


----------



## MFARBER

text messages were very lame.. She seems to like to be bossy and *****y but nothing suggestive.


----------



## Tobyboy

MFARBER said:


> text messages were very lame.. She seems to like to be bossy and *****y but nothing suggestive.


Weird. Why would she delete them then? 

I take it you have a separate device that receives all her texts, including iMessages. 

Any texting apps she uses?


----------



## TRy

MFARBER said:


> text messages were very lame.. She seems to like to be bossy and *****y but nothing suggestive.


 As an experienced cheater, your wife knows better than to send anything suggestive via text messages. What should worry you is not the text messages, but the flirty emotional affair stuff that they say to each other in person when they run with each other every day.


----------



## KingwoodKev

My earlier advice was for you if you wanted to save the marriage. From your recent posts it seems you're formulating an exit plan and just want to gather evidence. If that's the case then spy on.


----------



## jnj express

what are you trying to prove---DO YOU WANT YOUR WIFE TO CHEAT---------

you do not let it play out---you put a stop to it NOW------you already know she can't be trusted---she proved that at the gym

Stop playing games------you can either put your foot down---or you can deal with an affair-----WHICH WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?????????


----------



## Decorum

MFARBER said:


> text messages were very lame.. She seems to like to be bossy and *****y but nothing suggestive.


Sounds like it might be an invitation for him to climb her protective defensive wall and dominate her.

Its a fitness test, ok a shjt test.

Flirting by snark.

And then the plausible deniability, "he pursued me".

Maybe just maybe.


----------



## turnera

Why can't you just say - right now - 'You've proven that you will cheat. Because of that, I'm not comfortable with you having a male running partner. If you choose to keep him as your partner, I will take steps to divorce'?


----------



## lifeistooshort

tacoma said:


> You can't set a text to come through iMessage, it only happens when one Apple device is texting another Apple device and it can't be avoided.
> 
> 
> 
> Because there's nothing to test.
> 
> She's been tested before and failed.
> 
> Having been busted in an EA she should be aware having a male running partner is simply wrong.


I kind of get his position here. I too believe that people show you who they are when they think you're not looking or there are consequences. But in this case I have to agree with you, I don't think he's going to learn anything he doesn't already know. OP, if what you're looking for is additional proof I suspect you're going to get it. The bigger question is how you're going to handle it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KingwoodKev

A friend of mine, who is a street cop, told me something that applies to OP. He said there are two kinds of cops. Those who hide in the shadows because they want to catch people breaking the law, and those who patrol in plain sight because they want to deter people from breaking the law.

In this case I'd prefer to be the latter. If he wants to save the marriage then why lurk in the shadows waiting for her to cheat? Why not be proactive and lay down the rules?


----------



## convert

MFARBER said:


> text messages were very lame.. She seems to like to be bossy and *****y but nothing suggestive.


were those text the deleted ones?


----------



## convert

KingwoodKev said:


> A friend of mine, who is a street cop, told me something that applies to OP. He said there are two kinds of cops. Those who hide in the shadows because they want to catch people breaking the law, and those who patrol in plain sight because they want to deter people from breaking the law.
> 
> In this case I'd prefer to be the latter. If he wants to save the marriage then why lurk in the shadows waiting for her to cheat? Why not be proactive and lay down the rules?


I agree
If OP wants to stay married he should nip this in the bud before it goes PA


----------



## terrence4159

me personally i would put the hammer down hard i would say in a calm voice"you have had an ea in the past and it almost ended our marriage, now you are disrespecting me by texting another male at all hours of the night and in ways i cant see them or how many so this is your LAST warning i see another text or call or even you go running with this guy and i will file for a divorce and be gone...yesterday"

but thats just me being nice i would personally divorce her a 1 strike policy


----------



## lifeistooshort

KingwoodKev said:


> A friend of mine, who is a street cop, told me something that applies to OP. He said there are two kinds of cops. Those who hide in the shadows because they want to catch people breaking the law, and those who patrol in plain sight because they want to deter people from breaking the law.
> 
> In this case I'd prefer to be the latter. If he wants to save the marriage then why lurk in the shadows waiting for her to cheat? Why not be proactive and lay down the rules?


I understand this from a cop's perspective, but I think for your life partner you might not want to have to spend your life monitoring them. Finding out what kind of character they have can have value, depending on what you're going to do with that info.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Do you watch her find my phone when she goes out or running.

Only 20% of cheaters are ever caught. The odds of catching her aren't good.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER




----------



## Jung_admirer

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


>


The one who sets the fire ablaze sees it from a different perspective.


----------



## Q tip

you must be tired of all this. you are merely playing mental games with yourself.

For you, as a man who's read up on mmslp (did you???????) its easy.

you can step in and mate guard, lay down the law and she will respond as you have changed into the family boss youve taken charge and have had enough of her life time of sh!t tests. or dump her arse.

since you are gonna test her, youve clearly not listened and are not taking steps to take charge. so she will continue her sh!t tests. with the right guy, who does not respect your marriage, she will leave you. (fortunately for you, there are way more beta orbiters out there - and she knows this; I think she married one).

your lifetime of beta indoctrination has your manhood in check. you are playing little sh!t tests with your mind while she carries on with any other man.

take charge, she will follow. just like dancing. there is only one lead and she will settle in and follow. continuing on your present path will alter nothing. take charge. be the family boss. take the leadership role in your marriage.

all women are programmed to respond to their man. her behavior means she is responding to her weak man. this is not an insult, just fact. you can change this if you desire. you can stay the course as you desire.

what outcome do you want. just be that man. 

its simple.

and read those books. stop whinning to folks at TAM. text on your browser screen means nothing. take action, dude. you can.

ETA: she will fight at first. she loves the attention. its her drug. be stable, calm and lead. you will win. her choice is decency on your terms or you will replace her with a newer younger model with fewer defects.


----------



## Chaparral

By not telling her what your thinking, you are implicitly approving of what she's doing. There is no reason for her to respect you. You're number one priority in life is to protect your family. That includes co(k blocking. She knows emotionally you are not up to it.


----------



## convert

have you ever thought about running with them.
You know sometime runners trip and fall all the time.
after 3 or 4 trips/falls he may stop running with you and your wife


----------



## altawa

KingwoodKev said:


> A friend of mine, who is a street cop, told me something that applies to OP. He said there are two kinds of cops. Those who hide in the shadows because they want to catch people breaking the law, and those who patrol in plain sight because they want to deter people from breaking the law.
> 
> In this case I'd prefer to be the latter. If he wants to save the marriage then why lurk in the shadows waiting for her to cheat? Why not be proactive and lay down the rules?


Maybe because he wants to see her do the right thing on her own accord instead of being 'forced' into it. I can see that. To him, it might show that she actually was remorseful and sorry about her past actions. 

The double edged sword to it is, even if she is sorry she can still fall back into past bad actions.

It is like that with my wife I guess: I want her to do things because she wants to, not because I told her to. He may want her to not cheat because she wants to not cheat, not because he tells her to not cheat.....if that makes sense.


----------



## Voltaire2013

He can still achieve this with a simple talk- tell her ' I am not comfortable with your relationship with this man, especially given our history. I can not stop you from running with him but I can stop being married to someone who does not respect me' she can do the right thing after that talk, or not. 

Cheers,
V(13)



altawa said:


> Maybe because he wants to see her do the right thing on her own accord instead of being 'forced' into it. I can see that. To him, it might show that she actually was remorseful and sorry about her past actions.
> 
> The double edged sword to it is, even if she is sorry she can still fall back into past bad actions.
> 
> It is like that with my wife I guess: I want her to do things because she wants to, not because I told her to. He may want her to not cheat because she wants to not cheat, not because he tells her to not cheat.....if that makes sense.


----------



## altawa

Voltaire2013 said:


> He can still achieve this with a simple talk- tell her ' I am not comfortable with your relationship with this man, especially given our history. I can not stop you from running with him but I can stop being married to someone who does not respect me' she can do the right thing after that talk, or not.
> 
> Cheers,
> V(13)


that is directly opposite to her doing it on her own. That is the same as him telling her to not cheat because he will D her. Don't get me wrong, I think you are right, I am just throwing out there why some people will stay in the shadows on things.


----------



## MFARBER

So are you saying she made the change to switch to iMessage on purpose to send and receive this text with the running partner?


----------



## MFARBER

agreed. That is my point!


----------



## MFARBER

but she doesn't know that I know she is texting him. It's not that bad. One text was "good run, good night" at 9:45


----------



## GusPolinski

MFARBER said:


> So are you saying she made the change to switch to iMessage on purpose to send and receive this text with the running partner?


Hmm. I need to get that updated iOS write-up done.


----------



## ReidWright

MFARBER said:


> So are you saying she made the change to switch to iMessage on purpose to send and receive this text with the running partner?


using imessage doesn't mean she's cheating...it has several advantages (no text charges, read receipts, you can tell when someone is typing a reply, etc, when texting another ios device). It's a standard iphone feature; most people probably have it turned on.


----------



## Voltaire2013

I'm saying no good can come from this realationship, you can wait and see what happens or you can call her out. It's your decision. Personally I would never let my wife have this relationship. 

It's your decision. Take into account what you've read here, your previous issues, and how you know your wife. 

I wish you all the best,
Cheers,
V(13)



MFARBER said:


> So are you saying she made the change to switch to iMessage on purpose to send and receive this text with the running partner?


----------



## Voltaire2013

altawa said:


> that is directly opposite to her doing it on her own. That is the same as him telling her to not cheat because he will D her. Don't get me wrong, I think you are right, I am just throwing out there why some people will stay in the shadows on things.


I get that too, but again personally I would never give my wife enough slack 'to see what happens'. I understand if they want to cheat they will find a way, but I will never be complicit in that. I'll spell it out and see what she does (or hypothetically did).

It's still her choice, I just let her know the outcome on my end. 

Cheers,
V(13)


----------



## Voltaire2013

ReidWright said:


> using imessage doesn't mean she's cheating...it has several advantages (no text charges, read receipts, you can tell when someone is typing a reply, etc, when texting another ios device). It's a standard iphone feature; most people probably have it turned on.



That's plausible if historically accurate, if there is a sudden switch from others means of texting it shows deceit. She is not taking to Susie up the street about the perfect bunt cake. I'm all for Devils advocate unless you are acting devilish. 

Cheers,
V(13)


----------



## Sports Fan

MFARBER said:


> but she doesn't know that I know she is texting him. It's not that bad. One text was "good run, good night" at 9:45


Your not grasping the gravity of the situation. She has already had one EA.

It does not matter how innocent the texts are. They are forming a bond. It all starts out like that.

No friends of the Opposite Sex period. Your in for nothing but heartbreak if you dont put a stop to this now.


----------



## Locke.Stratos

MFARBER said:


> but she doesn't know that I know she is texting him. It's not that bad. One text was "good run, good night" at 9:45


She could have said this to him in person after the run.



Sports Fan said:


> Your not grasping the gravity of the situation. She has already had one EA.
> 
> It does not matter how innocent the texts are. They are forming a bond. It all starts out like that


:iagree:

I have to ask, are you afraid to confront your wife and set appropriate boundaries and tell her how you feel?


----------



## Divinely Favored

"Good run, good night" WTF at 9:45 means "I'm still thinking about how much I enjoyed our time today...you have sweet dreams"


My sister is a marathon runner and she had a 12-18 month affair. She would hookup on job trainings and marathons. That is why I started coming here to find away to deal with my anger against posom and her after her OD. Then every time she would go to training or marathon or fire detail it would make the hair on my head stand up wondering if posom was going to be there.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Divinely Favored said:


> "Good run, good night" WTF at 9:45 means "I'm still thinking about how much I enjoyed our time today...you have sweet dreams"
> 
> 
> My sister is a marathon runner and she had a 12-18 month affair. She would hookup on job trainings and marathons. That is why I started coming here to find away to deal with my anger against posom and her after her OD. Then every time she would go to training or marathon or fire detail it would make the hair on my head stand up wondering if posom was going to be there.


Yeah, I was trying to find a way to articulate this as well. The words by themselves seem innocuous but it's the "package" and the timing of the delivery that makes all the difference.

I remember seeing a text message sent by my (future) husband to his just a friend ex after we parted ways from an evening date. Can't remember what he said, but the timing IMO is key.

now what would _you_ think of that?


----------



## Chaparral

Does she know you're unhappy with this situation and is doing it anyway?

Did either of you get counseling after her EA?

IM is the default texting on my iPhone. I've only had an iPhone for 6 mos or so, how else would she text.

You can message on Facebook, pinterest, games etc.

Is her phone locked, does she leave it laying around or is it attached to her hip?


----------



## lifeistooshort

Sports Fan said:


> Your not grasping the gravity of the situation. She has already had one EA.
> 
> It does not matter how innocent the texts are. They are forming a bond. It all starts out like that.
> 
> No friends of the Opposite Sex period. Your in for nothing but heartbreak if you dont put a stop to this now.


This.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

#1 question: does she leave her phone lying around for you to pick up and read?


----------



## TRy

MFARBER said:


> but she doesn't know that I know she is texting him. It's not that bad. One text was "good run, good night" at 9:45


 A person that is in or entering an emotional affair (EA) gets a brain drug rush just seeing that there is a message from their potential EA partner. The other man's goal was to get her to think about him as she went to sleep, and the text quoted did just that. I am guessing that she returned the favor by responding. What you are missing is that with her history of cheating, this should not be happening at all. There should be no such men in her life, running with her, and text her good night.


----------



## KingwoodKev

Voltaire2013 said:


> I get that too, but again personally I would never give my wife enough slack 'to see what happens'. I understand if they want to cheat they will find a way, but I will never be complicit in that. I'll spell it out and see what she does (or hypothetically did).
> 
> It's still her choice, I just let her know the outcome on my end.
> 
> Cheers,
> V(13)


I believe this is exactly the right approach. It's up to us to protect our marriages not hang them in the breeze and see what happens.


----------



## turnera

MFARBER said:


> but she doesn't know that I know she is texting him. It's not that bad. One text was "good run, good night" at 9:45


So? She's a cheater. To be ALLOWED to stay married to you after the FIRST time she cheated, you should have made it clear that you will NOT stay married to a person who continues relationships with other men. And you can say it NOW. Now that you are finding yourself up in arms over her time with him. She has always been on thin ice since her first affair and right now is the perfect time for you to make it clear you're not going to tolerate that in YOUR marriage any more.

She obviously has no fear you will leave her. So she cheats. Or comes damn close to it.

Are you ready to have THAT conversation?


----------



## justastatistic

MFARBER said:


> but she doesn't know that I know she is texting him. It's not that bad. One text was "good run, good night" at 9:45



Yeah um, it is that bad. She is fishing. Why would you need to txt someone you just ran with that it was a good run, or to say good night to them. I don't call my friends to wish them a good night. That's silly.

She's keeping communication open and constant waiting for the opportunity for it (their "friendship") to grow.


----------



## TRy

justastatistic said:


> Why would you need to txt someone you just ran with that it was a good run, or to say good night to them. I don't call my friends to wish them a good night.


 :iagree::iagree::iagree: Great question. The other man is fishing to develop the relationship with the OP's wife.


----------



## vellocet

justastatistic said:


> Yeah um, it is that bad. She is fishing. Why would you need to txt someone you just ran with that it was a good run, or to say good night to them.


Because she is smitten by him and wants to see where it will lead. Like you said, she is fishing. Looks like she hasn't changed since the last time she pulled this sh*t


----------



## Thor

vellocet said:


> Because she is smitten by him and wants to see where it will lead. Like you said, she is fishing. Looks like she hasn't changed since the last time she pulled this sh*t


This is why there is merit, and risk, in OP's strategy of observation. A cheater who has had a true change of heart would avoid temptations and dangerous situations. If someone made a pass at her, she'd shut it down hard ASAP.

Watchful waiting to see what she does will prove one way or another if she learned her lesson from the first time. It will show her true colors.

I think for OP his current strategy is as much about trying to get closure on her last affair as it is about the current affair.

Otoh, mate guarding could save this marriage before it goes off the rail. The risk there is that she takes this budding EA underground, or she is much more careful in a future affair to keep it completely secret.

Personally, I would confront her with strong boundaries. I'd also watch her reaction to the confrontation. I'd watch her future actions. Does she show distress at causing OP hurt this time around, or does she continue to minimize, deflect, and perhaps blameshift?


----------



## lifeistooshort

Thor said:


> This is why there is merit, and risk, in OP's strategy of observation. A cheater who has had a true change of heart would avoid temptations and dangerous situations. If someone made a pass at her, she'd shut it down hard ASAP.
> 
> Watchful waiting to see what she does will prove one way or another if she learned her lesson from the first time. It will show her true colors.
> 
> I think for OP his current strategy is as much about trying to get closure on her last affair as it is about the current affair.
> 
> Otoh, mate guarding could save this marriage before it goes off the rail. The risk there is that she takes this budding EA underground, or she is much more careful in a future affair to keep it completely secret.
> 
> Personally, I would confront her with strong boundaries. I'd also watch her reaction to the confrontation. I'd watch her future actions. Does she show distress at causing OP hurt this time around, or does she continue to minimize, deflect, and perhaps blameshift?


Maybe I see this differently as a woman, but I tend to agree that it's a test of her true character. Even if he mate guards at the end of the day he's still got a wife with poor boundaries that's open to other men and he'll have to spend his life mate guarding. It's a lousy way to live and not how I wish to live.. It's like women who spend their time threatening other women when the real issue is that their guy is a pos.

I would tell her in no uncertain terms that she isn't bullsh!tting anyone and she'd better think carefully about whether this guy, who probably sees her as a cheap potential screw, is worth her marriage. Let her know she can try hide it but she isn't that much smarter than everyone else. I get the feeling though that OP hasn't decided what consequences he's willing to follow through with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thundarr

lifeistooshort said:


> I would tell her in no uncertain terms that she isn't bullsh!tting anyone and she'd better think carefully about whether this guy, who probably sees her as a cheap potential screw, is worth her marriage. Let her know she can try hide it but she isn't that much smarter than everyone else. I get the feeling though that OP hasn't decided what consequences he's willing to follow through with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're right about MFARBER's undetermined consequences IMO. I think his wife knows this as well and that's why she's not going to stop. She doesn't think he's going to go anywhere. She probably thinks the more she pulls away the more he will cling and it looks like that's the pattern to me as well because the writing is on the wall and here he is still trying to c*ck block another affair partner. After the fact he'll likely call this one an EA as well. Seriously a two month EA with a personal trainer she had one on one time with is insulting to our intelligence. Of course that was a PA. So he's postponed having to deal with reality by taking a stance of needing more proof when there's plenty there already. For that matter (sorry MFARBER but) I don't think she's looking for a no strings affair. I think she's done and she's looking for her next relationship but she doesn't like to be alone.

MFARBER you can be a change all of this in a matter of seconds just by seeing yourself as worth being treated better and by embracing change rather than being afraid of it.


----------



## SongoftheSouth

Since you have seen his texts you have his number. I am going to suggest that you call him and tell him that if he ever calls or texts your wife again he will not be running with her for a while since he will have two broken legs. Do not tell her that you are going to do this, just do it and mean it.


----------



## tom67

SongoftheSouth said:


> Since you have seen his texts you have his number. I am going to suggest that you call him and tell him that if he ever calls or texts your wife again he will not be running with her for a while since he will have two broken legs. Do not tell her that you are going to do this, just do it and mean it.


Song I get what you are saying
BUT if this guy is spineless p^ssy and goes to the cops with that threat it may mean trouble for him.
Welcome to the police state.
I would go out of my way to run with them.


----------



## KingwoodKev

tom67 said:


> Song I get what you are saying
> BUT if this guy is spineless p^ssy and goes to the cops with that threat it may mean trouble for him.
> Welcome to the police state.
> I would go out of my way to run with them.


The good ole days meant if somebody was snaking around your woman it was pistols at dawn.


----------



## tom67

KingwoodKev said:


> The good ole days meant if somebody was snaking around your woman it was pistols at dawn.


Yep you could legally do it in Texas until 1975.


----------



## KingwoodKev

tom67 said:


> Yep you could legally do it in Texas until 1975.


Really? That's awesome. They need desperately to bring that back. As is there is almost zero legal ramifications for cheaters. Considering it's a crime that on some levels is worse than murder I'd say there should be serious legal repercussions. Murder victims don't have any more pain. Betrayed spouses suffer for a long long time. Some forever.


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## MFARBER

#1 question: does she leave her phone lying around for you to pick up and read? 
Share 
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Add to del.icio.us!
Reddit!


Usually attached to her hip!


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## altawa

MFARBER said:


> #1 question: does she leave her phone lying around for you to pick up and read?
> Share
> Share this post on Share on Facebook
> Share on Twitter
> Stumble this Post!
> Digg this Post!
> Add to del.icio.us!
> Reddit!
> 
> 
> Usually attached to her hip!


More red flags than communist china.


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## tom67

altawa said:


> More red flags than communist china.


Ya think???:banghead::banghead::banghead:


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## NextTimeAround

tom67 said:


> Song I get what you are saying
> BUT if this guy is spineless p^ssy and goes to the cops with that threat it may mean trouble for him.
> Welcome to the police state.
> I would go out of my way to run with them.


But the irony here is that if someone went to the police with info a about a real stalker, the police will say that they are powerless to do anything until the stalker strikes........


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## turnera

MFARBER said:


> #1 question: does she leave her phone lying around for you to pick up and read?
> Share
> Share this post on Share on Facebook
> Share on Twitter
> Stumble this Post!
> Digg this Post!
> Add to del.icio.us!
> Reddit!
> 
> 
> Usually attached to her hip!


So she does NOT allow you to look at it? How are you monitoring her?


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## KingwoodKev

SongoftheSouth said:


> Since you have seen his texts you have his number. I am going to suggest that you call him and tell him that if he ever calls or texts your wife again he will not be running with her for a while since he will have two broken legs. Do not tell her that you are going to do this, just do it and mean it.


Best advice on the thread.


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## vellocet

SongoftheSouth said:


> Since you have seen his texts you have his number. I am going to suggest that you call him and tell him that if he ever calls or texts your wife again he will not be running with her for a while since he will have two broken legs. Do not tell her that you are going to do this, just do it and mean it.



And if he threatens to break his legs, then how does he deal with his own wife? Why wish violence on OM/OW if you wouldn't do it with your spouse?


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## KingwoodKev

vellocet said:


> And if he threatens to break his legs, then how does he deal with his own wife? Why wish violence on OM/OW if you wouldn't do it with your spouse?


You're right, that's a kicker. I myself wanted to kill the OM and might have if he didn't immediately flee the state and hide in his mommy's house (chicken sh!t mother fvcker!!!) I never wanted to kill my WW. I wanted her to hurt and she did and I enjoyed it. I know I felt the same way as I felt toward him but he got the brunt of my rage, I'll admit. Still does. I'm working on R with her. If I ever see him again I just won't be able to live with myself unless I help him digest the majority of his teeth. I worry I might kill him. I really do.


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## SadSamIAm

"A friend of mine, who is a street cop, told me something that applies to OP. He said there are two kinds of cops. Those who hide in the shadows because they want to catch people breaking the law, and those who patrol in plain sight because they want to deter people from breaking the law."

For 'real' criminals, the second kind of cop does nothing. The 'real' criminal will be nice to the cop that is plain site and will wait until he isn't around to do his thieving.

The same with 'cheaters'. Proper boundaries might prevent some people from cheating. But the OP believes his wife is a 'real' cheater. That he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life telling her what she can and can't do. That he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life monitoring.

He wants to find out once and for all if she is a 'real' cheater.


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## G.J.

SongoftheSouth said:


> Since you have seen his texts you have his number. I am going to suggest that you call him and tell him that if he ever calls or texts your wife again he will not be running with her for a while since he will have two broken legs. Do not tell her that you are going to do this, just do it and mean it.


NO
If you want to scare off properly you make sure you meet him where NO ONE can see you and tell him to his face what ever you feel comfortable saying
To make sure it doesn't escalate at that stage get a couple of friends to stay in the car while you tell him
I know of an instance where the OM had a ride into the country with some people and was .........asked to move away....2 weeks later he was many many miles away with his family


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## Q tip

fix OM as the immediate problem. mate guard. thats easy.

the proven long-term issue is W.

look up boundaries on TAM and collect our thoughts for the real intervention. including the FACT that you cannot control her behavior but can control what you accept and will D at the slightest provocation ever again.

you gotta back up what you say or you're a weasel.

text OM? text to meet him at a hotel using your W phone. tell him a room number you can watch from the parking lot or somewhere convenient. bring W

ETA - keep her phone and dont tell her you texted and what you're doing. just ask if the guy knocking on the hotel room door is her running er... partner.


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## wmn1

I have always hated OM/OW because even though they aren't the one's cheating (at least in some cases), they are just as guilty.

But it does take two to tango and the WW deserves just as much ire. 

Always be careful and never get into trouble criminally. There are better ways to get even.


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## vellocet

wmn1 said:


> I have always hated OM/OW because even though they aren't the one's cheating (at least in some cases), they are just as guilty.


Oh no, I absolutely agree. I also agree some revenge/consequences need to be doled out to them, if one desires, by the BS. Just not more severe than that one would afford their WS.


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## manfromlamancha

MFarber, are you still here? Any comments?


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## terrence4159

DUDE lay the hammer down think thor type crap. tell her one more text one more phone call one more run with him and you will pack her bags!!! 

i know its hard but man up! dont make me fly to where you live knock on your door kick you in the nads and take your man card.


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## Q tip

it hard to man up with years of beta indoctrination holding you back.

read MMSLP yesterday.


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## KingwoodKev

Q tip said:


> it hard to man up with years of beta indoctrination holding you back.
> 
> read MMSLP yesterday.


The "effeminization" of the American male is a sickening thing to watch. The USMC saved me from such bullsh*t.


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## Q tip

KingwoodKev said:


> The "effeminization" of the American male is a sickening thing to watch. The USMC saved me from such bullsh*t.


me too.

semper fi!


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## just got it 55

Graywolf2 said:


> 39-40 years old is the prime time for an affair. Your wife wants to prove that she still has it. What better way than to get [email protected] by a guy out of her league. She’s a runner so she can’t be that fat. Guys are pigs. They’ll take a free [email protected] if one is offered. Have you heard the phrase “Put a flag over her face and do it for your country?”
> 
> Or your not looking at the mantel piece when you are poking the fire place
> 
> She learned from her mistakes and knows there will be a big price to pay if she’s caught. My bet is a burner phone.
> 
> LOOK HERE:
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html#post9756666


55


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## italianjob

vellocet said:


> Oh no, I absolutely agree. I also agree some revenge/consequences need to be doled out to them, if one desires, by the BS. *Just not more severe than that one would afford their WS*.


I must have asked you in some other thread...

Why do you feel a BS should have to follow rules in this?

The decision to exact some kind of Revenge has the goal to make the BS feel better. If he/she feels better handing out harder consequences to the AP than the WS, why should he refrain from doing so?

It's not the BS responsibility to keep things fair in these matters, IMO.

Just curious.


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## manfromlamancha

Yoohoo? MFarber? Where are you?


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## MFARBER

I would rather see how this plays out to see if she has the balls to close the deal or is she is really a ***** with a toe in the shallow end. That way, I know what I'm dealing with. If I confront too early what the hell do I gain? Nothing. It goes underground. So I do appreciate all the suggestions about going "caveman" I have to appear mellow to not to scare off so that I can gain more info/intel. I come across as a douche than she knows something is up regardless. I am a strong advocate of core values and that regardless of your situation you have to pick the right course of action. If you don't, then I know that will be the indicator of future behavior.


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## Decorum

Hoping you find your peace MF, whatever it takes!


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## Chaparral

A successful marriage begins with communication. If she fails it is not just her failure. Your family fails because it will be irrevocably broken. Your wife fails because she succumbed to temptation. You failed because you did not make it clear you would not tolerate other sex friends in your marriage. This is tantamount to you approving a situation that inevitably leads to disaster. Like expecting a teenager to learn a lesson from continuing to drive drunk and doing nothing to prevent it.

I hope your broom is big enough to clean upnthis looming mess. I, like others have mentioned, think you are using this to get rid of her and make sure she is the bad guy.

Say, she doesn't go over the edge or you just don't catch her. What is the waiting, watching, and spying going to do to you when this just keeps going.

Do the 180. When she notices your withdrawal, tell her you do not trust her and are preparing yourself for the end of your marriage because of her actions. Lance this festering boil on your marriage.


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## Divinely Favored

italianjob said:


> vellocet said:
> 
> 
> 
> Oh no, I absolutely agree. I also agree some revenge/consequences need to be doled out to them, if one desires, by the BS. *Just not more severe than that one would afford their WS*.
> 
> 
> 
> I must have asked you in some other thread...
> 
> Why do you feel a BS should have to follow rules in this?
> 
> The decision to exact some kind of Revenge has the goal to make the BS feel better. If he/she feels better handing out harder consequences to the AP than the WS, why should he refrain from doing so?
> 
> It's not the BS responsibility to keep things fair in these matters, IMO.
> 
> Just curious.
Click to expand...

Wife belongs in the home/marriage....posoms do not....they are a clear and present danger to the marriage and childrens well being....if they know spouse was married they will be treated as if I woke up at 3 am and they are standing in my bedroom.


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## chaos

Then prepare yourself, as humanly possible, for the worst and act decisevly.


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## bfree

I prefer to set the vase on the mantel so that it is stable and secure. I don't put it on the edge while I sit there and wait for it to fall. Seems like a waste of time to have to sweep up the broken pieces when you could have just thrown it away in the first place. And you might cut yourself on the sharp parts while cleaning up the mess. If you don't like the vase get rid of it.


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## Thor

To play devil's advocate here...

Mrs. MFARBER has already had one affair, and should know better than to cross any lines. Because of the negative effects the last affair inflicted on her husband and marriage, she should be more aware than anyone about keeping as far from trouble as possible.

By watching and waiting, MFARBER is determining if she really did learn any lessons from the first time around. I think also that perhaps he is hoping to get some confirmation about her first affair, whether she is capable of a PA or not. If she goes PA with this guy, it strongly suggests her first affair was a PA. If she resists PA, it suggests she may not have gone PA before, plus it shows she now will not have another affair.

What I think this does show is that MFARBER doesn't trust his wife yet. Not enough to be in real R with her.

My opinion is I would not go cave man on her, but I'd do a confrontation. I would ask her did she not learn anything the first time around about how affairs happen, and what good boundaries are? Then measure her response. A BS can't mate guard forever. At some point he has to be able to trust she isn't going to fall into affairs every time she is in proximity to another male.


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## Chaparral

This is a very odd thread. Op still hasn't explained why he and his wife are both runners yet his wife runs with a different man. Does op run with a different woman.


Why did op not say something in the beginning. It isn't normal for a man to agree with this situation whether or not she has ever had any kind of affair. Has a matter of fact it is worse than most situations. 

Running is addictive. It releases the same hormones, endorphins, pain killers that other forms of exercise and sex releases. Expecting this to turn out well is impossible. They will behave like two addicts always do. Ignorance is what is going to kill this marriage.


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## Dogbert

bfree said:


> I prefer to set the vase on the mantel so that it is stable and secure. I don't put it on the edge while I sit there and wait for it to fall. Seems like a waste of time to have to sweep up the broken pieces when you could have just thrown it away in the first place. And you might cut yourself on the sharp parts while cleaning up the mess. If you don't like the vase get rid of it.


Maybe he is of the opinion that he is not going to be her keeper and if she fvcks up, then he's going to take appropriate action. With her history of EAs, that would probably be divorce.


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## Q tip

OP,

it really looks to me you're looking for a reason or excuse to end it. you dont need one. if you arent going to mate block and watch her the rest of your life - its either this time or the next..

just have her served and move on. save yourself the trouble.

face it, your heart is no longer in the game with her. your mind has moved on. you may as well move along too.


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## Thundarr

MFARBER said:


> I would rather see how this plays out to see if she has the balls to close the deal or is she is really a ***** with a toe in the shallow end. That way, I know what I'm dealing with. If I confront too early what the hell do I gain? Nothing. It goes underground. So I do appreciate all the suggestions about going "caveman" I have to appear mellow to not to scare off so that I can gain more info/intel. I come across as a douche than she knows something is up regardless. I am a strong advocate of core values and that regardless of your situation you have to pick the right course of action. If you don't, then I know that will be the indicator of future behavior.


Good luck MFARBER. I suppose if you're ready to pull the plug when she cheats then your approach makes sense to me. It gives her enough rope to hang herself. Of course if you're not willing to dump the relationship then it will solidify your status as a doormat. Her belief now that you're not going to leave her actually is the best way to make sure she does cheat if she has it in her.


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## just got it 55

MFARBER said:


> I would rather see how this plays out to see if she has the balls to close the deal or is she is really a ***** with a toe in the shallow end. That way, I know what I'm dealing with. If I confront too early what the hell do I gain? Nothing. It goes underground. So I do appreciate all the suggestions about going "caveman" I have to appear mellow to not to scare off so that I can gain more info/intel. I come across as a douche than she knows something is up regardless. I am a strong advocate of core values and that regardless of your situation you have to pick the right course of action. If you don't, then I know that will be the indicator of future behavior.


OP I guess I understand your rationale here but for my money

Far too passive agressive

Show your wife you will not tolerate this your non action only shows approval.

55


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## lifeistooshort

I just ran this by my runner husband and he thought it was rotten.  He said you should volunteer to join them and let om know you're there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum

Yep it would seem its all over but the screaming.


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## MFARBER

So here I am again. Found out wife has had some "chatting"sessions with her trainer who was the original point of interest. What is interesting is that there was 2-3 days of chatting but then went silent. Also no VAR activity or cell data. Should I confront or hang tight? Need some ideas please. We both go to a gym where there is they guy that she had the EA with and I wanted to appear as open as possible but also challenge her will..


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## tom67

MFARBER said:


> So here I am again. Found out wife has had some "chatting"sessions with her trainer who was the original point of interest. What is interesting is that there was 2-3 days of chatting but then went silent. Also no VAR activity or cell data. Should I confront or hang tight? Need some ideas please. We both go to a gym where there is they guy that she had the EA with and I wanted to appear as open as possible but also challenge her will..


Ugh
Not going to bash you how are things going otherwise?
Is sex life okay?
What is a deal breaker for you?
Just asking.


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## Thor

I'd say don't confront yet. You don't have anything. Her answer will be something plausible, leaving you nowhere. If there is something going on or starting to happen, she'll know you're watching and go underground.

As far as the gym with EA guy, I would never let her go there alone again. There is no reason for her to be near EA guy. So yes I'd go with her and block EA guy big time.


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## Plan 9 from OS

Curious as to why are you asking for opinions on what to do now? Last month you were all about sitting in the bushes and letting it all play out. So why aren't you staying the course just because you see a new wrinkle?


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## Plan 9 from OS

Thor said:


> I'd say don't confront yet. You don't have anything. Her answer will be something plausible, leaving you nowhere. If there is something going on or starting to happen, she'll know you're watching and go underground.
> 
> As far as the gym with EA guy, I would never let her go there alone again. There is no reason for her to be near EA guy. So yes I'd go with her and block EA guy big time.


Or if there are no kids in the midst of this mess, then perhaps the OP would be much better served by divorcing so that this attention seeking wh0re can get on with what she really wants out of life unfettered. Also, the OP gains by getting rid of the shackles that keeps him bound to a mess - even though those shackles are of his own doing.


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## turnera

Personally, I'd be spending my time letting her see ME getting some attention from some other women. Let her see what she's about to give up. Instead, he just sits there and waits for her to notice him.


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## G.J.

I would have read her the riot act way before now and said if she wanted to stay married then start working on it 
and alter her attitude to what being married entails 

I didn't like your wait and see if she fails 
its like being a passive voyeur as she enters into an affair

If you wanted to stay in a marriage she needs to know that you don't tolerate any crvp now in any shape or form


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## Q tip

turnera said:


> Personally, I'd be spending my time letting her see ME getting some attention from some other women. Let her see what she's about to give up. Instead, he just sits there and waits for her to notice him.


true, but games at this point? he does need to be a man of action, not a man of TAM posts...

hoping he's read MMSLP. assuming reading comprehension, he would have a total picture of whats happening to her and him in this case.

i am afraid he wont read it.


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## turnera

Not games. Just going out and enjoying his life. So he quits focusing on her. And hopefully realizes he doesn't NEED her to be happy.


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## TRy

MFARBER said:


> So here I am again. Found out wife has had some "chatting"sessions with her trainer who was the original point of interest. What is interesting is that there was 2-3 days of chatting but then went silent. Also no VAR activity or cell data. Should I confront or hang tight? Need some ideas please. We both go to a gym where there is they guy that she had the EA with and I wanted to appear as open as possible but also challenge her will..


 Why is she still going to that gym? Not using that gym is a necessary small consequence for her betrayal. You must demand full no contact with her former emotional affair (EA) partner, which includes no longer using that gym, or chatting with her affair partner. That is standard reconciliation 101 when it comes to EAs. Do not wait, based on him being a former affair partner, any breaking of full no contact is a big deal.


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## Decorum

MFARBER said:


> So here I am again. Found out wife has had some "chatting"sessions with her trainer who was the original point of interest. What is interesting is that there was 2-3 days of chatting but then went silent. Also no VAR activity or cell data. Should I confront or hang tight? Need some ideas please. We both go to a gym where there is they guy that she had the EA with and I wanted to appear as open as possible but also challenge her will..


So she broke NC with the guy that almost torpedoed your marriage.

No respect, no boundaries, she thinks you will put up with it and if she slips up she thinks you will take her back.

You know you have a problem, personally and with this marriage right?

Dont be a schmuck and pride yourself on how secure you are, wake up!

Oh and btw if my wife was saying goodnight to another man (texting etc) I would be pissed as f.ukk.



MFARBER said:


> but she doesn't know that I know she is texting him. It's not that bad. One text was "good run, good night" at 9:45


We say good night to the people we care about, we want to be one of the last things on their mind when they go to sleep.

In this case she KNOWS this brings the thought of her into his bedroom.

Its not just sex its intimacy! 





.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

MFARBER said:


> So here I am again. Found out wife has had some "chatting"sessions with her trainer who was the original point of interest. What is interesting is that there was 2-3 days of chatting but then went silent. Also no VAR activity or cell data. Should I confront or hang tight? Need some ideas please. We both go to a gym where there is they guy that she had the EA with and I wanted to appear as open as possible but also challenge her will..











^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^
Boy, I seem to be getting a lot of use out of this little guy these days.

I may need to get him a helmet.


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## ConanHub

Your wife gets around and not just by running.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam

MFARBER said:


> So here I am again. Found out wife has had some "chatting"sessions with her trainer who was the original point of interest. What is interesting is that there was 2-3 days of chatting but then went silent. Also no VAR activity or cell data. Should I confront or hang tight? Need some ideas please. We both go to a gym where there is they guy that she had the EA with and I wanted to appear as open as possible but also challenge her will..


OP... you might find the advice more helpful if you would check in here again.


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## NosborCrop

ConanHub said:


> Your wife gets around and not just by running.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## workindad

OP if you are still checking, be sure you have VARs in place before you confront her. Confronting her may lead to some calls for story setting if she has something to hide.


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## Decorum

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


>


Now I have one of my own. When the affair crack hits that's when it spins. It puts organism on steroids.


Hey if Op wants a "Gotcha" moment maybe there is a radio station in the area that does a "War of the Roses" type call.

Otherwise...

We just hanging, waiting to see if the girl is ratchet.


.


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