# 12 Signs You're Headed for Divorce



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*On The Rocks*

While healing an ailing relationship is usually what we all want, sometimes it’s wise to know when to let it go. We've highlighted 12 universal signs showing that divorce might be on a couple's horizon.


*The Clock's Ticking*
“The clock starts ticking on the end of a marriage as soon as one spouse puts the [couple’s] problems out in the open,” says Bryce Kaye, Ph.D., author of The Marriage First Aid Kit. “The more time that passes after that without any effort made, the lower the odds are that you’ll stay together.”


*You’ve “Uncoupled”*

Couples whose marriages are over, or nearly over, have usually disconnected from each other, says Elayne Savage Ph.D., author of Breathing Room: Creating Space to Be a Couple. “If you’re no longer spending any time together—and if it feels like a relief not to be with each other—you’ve already disengaged from the marriage.” 


*One Spouse Won't Try*

“One partner can’t do all the trying on his or her own,” says Bowman. “You can’t go anywhere like that.” A good rule of thumb: If it’s been a year with no progress, it may be time to call it quits.


*There’s No Respect*

One of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is mutual respect, says Savage. When that’s gone — when one partner consistently feels dismissed, rejected and condescended to you’re in a bad place. “Marriages that reach this place are toxic — you’re no longer civil, and all discourse is either attacking or defending.” 


*You Have Issues*

Alisa Bowman, author of Project: Happily Ever After, says that if one spouse repeatedly brings up an issue, asks for help and makes it clear that the marriage will not last unless they both commit to solving it, but the other spouse refuses to go along, the marriage is in trouble.


*You're Not A Team*

In healthily humming-along marriages, both partners work as a team on everything from parenting to supporting each other in career and personal ambitions. “If you’ve both started moving in completely separate orbits, or if you’re not working together on day-to-day issues, it’s a sign of serious trouble,” says Savage


*There’s Imbalance*

A major part of marriage involves trying to fulfill your partner’s needs while also making sure your own needs are met. It’s a lifelong dance, a give and take, and it requires constant communication. But if your partner continually refuses to listen to what you need or refuses to share his own needs, you’re not in a good place,


*One Spouse Is a Serial Cheater*

After the kind of affair a couple can recover from, “there are regrets, apologies and a promise to put an end to it and seek counseling.” Not so with the serial cheater; that’s a problem you can’t fix, and likely spells the end of your marriage.


*The Cheater Blames the Other Spouse*

“Some men — and stereotypically this is men — are just not cut out for marriage; they are unable to remain monogamous, even if they seemed to have wanted to get married,” says Bowman. What’s worse, they manage to put the blame for their philandering on you, usually for being too jealous or controlling.


*You Disagree on Kids*

“If someone’s close to either side of the will-we-or-won’t-we-have-children fence, you can work through it. But if not, and having a child is a life goal of yours, you may be looking at the end of your marriage,” says Bowman. 


*You Don’t Talk*

No problem in a marriage can be solved without open communication. If you’ve reached a point where all you ever talk about is things like who needs to buy milk, you’re in trouble, says Savage. “Lack of personal, intimate exchange in a marriage is a very bad sign, especially if you are talking to others.”

“The clock starts ticking on the end of a marriage as soon as one spouse puts the [couple’s] problems out in the open,” says Bryce Kaye, Ph.D., author of The Marriage First Aid Kit. “The more time that passes after that without any effort made, the lower the odds are that you’ll stay together.


*Loyalty Is Unclear*

Infidelity is an enormous hurdle for a marriage to overcome, but just ending the affair is not enough, says Kaye. For a marriage to fully get past one spouse’s adultery, the unfaithful half of the couple cannot maintain a “friendship” with the former lover.

Discuss......


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

*“Some men — and stereotypically this is men — are just not cut out for marriage; they are unable to remain monogamous, even if they seemed to have wanted to get married,” says Bowman. What’s worse, they manage to put the blame for their philandering on you, usually for being too jealous or controlling.*

I guess women never cheat.

Seems like a very generic group of simple statements.

I would be willing to be that most marriages deal with most of those generic catch alls from time to time (except for the all-male cheating)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good list.

There are about 5-6 things from that list that were happening in my marriage before the big D:

One Spouse Won't Try, No respect, Imbalance, 1 party refuses to own/work on things and of course, You don't Talk (my exH habitually went days/weeks w/o speaking to me whenever he felt like it).


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mistys dad said:


> *“Some men — and stereotypically this is men — are just not cut out for marriage; they are unable to remain monogamous, even if they seemed to have wanted to get married,” says Bowman. What’s worse, they manage to put the blame for their philandering on you, usually for being too jealous or controlling.*
> 
> I guess women never cheat.
> 
> ...


I think this was the view assumed many years back. It is pretty much 50 / 50 right now. The slant here is probably based on where the article was published.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mistys dad said:


> *“Some men — and stereotypically this is men — are just not cut out for marriage; they are unable to remain monogamous, even if they seemed to have wanted to get married,” says Bowman. What’s worse, they manage to put the blame for their philandering on you, usually for being too jealous or controlling.*
> 
> I guess women never cheat.
> 
> ...


I agree, these days women are as likely to cheat as men are.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

The top three items hit home in my situation. We are not Divorced yet, but very close. One last ditched effort:

The Clock's Ticking
“The clock starts ticking on the end of a marriage as soon as one spouse puts the [couple’s] problems out in the open,” says Bryce Kaye, Ph.D., author of The Marriage First Aid Kit. “The more time that passes after that without any effort made, the lower the odds are that you’ll stay together.”The minute she walked away and basically announced to the world we are seperated, the issue(s) became much harder to repair. Even if we reconcile, I can't even imagine each of us facing the others camp.


You’ve “Uncoupled”

Couples whose marriages are over, or nearly over, have usually disconnected from each other, says Elayne Savage Ph.D., author of Breathing Room: Creating Space to Be a Couple. “If you’re no longer spending any time together—and if it feels like a relief not to be with each other—you’ve already disengaged from the marriage.” She disconnected from me and still has for the most part. Now I find myself disconnecting from her. Has made me remove her from a desirable status.


One Spouse Won't Try

“One partner can’t do all the trying on his or her own,” says Bowman. “You can’t go anywhere like that.” A good rule of thumb: If it’s been a year with no progress, it may be time to call it quits.For a year I was all onboard to repair, she was only partially. Now that I have told her I am ready to move on, she is trying harder, but may not be enough.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I agree, these days women are as likely to cheat as men are.


Most academic research says otherwise, and that men still are more likely to cheat by a fair margin.
But the gap is closing.

Regardless, the list didn't say all men cheat, no women cheat, men can't be monogamous, etc. It simply stated "some" men aren't cut out to be monogamous. Can anyone really argue with that?
I'm sure the same could be said of "some" women, though I'd guess it's a smaller percentage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Most academic research says otherwise, and that men still are more likely to cheat by a fair margin.
> But the gap is closing.
> 
> Regardless, the list didn't say all men cheat, no women cheat, men can't be monogamous, etc. It simply stated "some" men aren't cut out to be monogamous. Can anyone really argue with that?
> ...


Good points.

Another 'interesting' thing I've read is that when the husband cheats (and the wife finds out) 98% of the time the wife is willing to stay and repair the marriage. When the wife cheats, only 2% of husbands are willing to try to repair the marriage.

I think that it's not quite as wide spreed now but I do think that women is far more likely to want to repair the marriage than men are after their spouses infidelity.


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

Women cheat just as much as men


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

You left one out.

13. When a marriage becomes a parent/child relationship, it's a very bad sign.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> You left one out.
> 
> 13. When a marriage becomes a parent/child relationship, it's a very bad sign.


Wow! Ain't that the truth!!!


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

Oh darling, that is an amazing post!!! 

How funny that I identify so strongly with all of that... that those things have been my marriage for 10.5 years... now if only there was a post for the one... that would spell out the solution as clearly as identifying the issues!!! Thank you so very you so very much!


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## Noel1987 (Jan 2, 2012)

It really horrified me even i am not married yet lol


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## MEM7 (Jan 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Good points.
> 
> Another 'interesting' thing I've read is that when the husband cheats (and the wife finds out) 98% of the time the wife is willing to stay and repair the marriage. When the wife cheats, only 2% of husbands are willing to try to repair the marriage.
> 
> I think that it's not quite as wide spreed now but I do think that women is far more likely to want to repair the marriage than men are after their spouses infidelity.


I think men cheat because sex with their wife is either not happening or is unfulfilling. If the man is happy with the sex life with his wife I can't see why he would feel the need to cheat and screw that all up. Unless he's a complete jerk.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MEM7 said:


> I think men cheat because sex with their wife is either not happening or is unfulfilling. If the man is happy with the sex life with his wife I can't see why he would feel the need to cheat and screw that all up. Unless he's a complete jerk.


Some men are just jerks.. just as some women are. Some people will cheat no matter the state of the marriage or the sex life at home.


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