# Considering an affair



## smalltowngrl (Aug 29, 2013)

I am new here. I am in my early 30's and have been together with my husband for 13 years and married for 7. We have 2 beautiful children, 4 and 18 mos. Since our marriage counseling session with our pastor before our wedding day I have been asking that my husband show more affection, connect emotionally with me, make me feel special and wanted and more romantic. He continues over the years to do very few things without my planting the seed or basically emailing him the idea. He is a wonderful person, father, hard worker and very faithful, but our physical intimacy has taken a nose dive because I just do not feel the spark anymore. I have told him this often and we've been to counseling multiple times with a few different therapists which leaves us feeling better and refreshed, but it fades. We argue a few times per week, but this has improved a it because we're kind of separating emotionally, he is now more involved with golf which I dont really mind and myself with kids and work. I love him, but after years of trying to talk about my needs and basically telling him I am falling out of love or dont have the spark anymore, he continues to tell me "I just dont know what to do and its not me, but I'll try." And really doesnt. 
There is a man at work who I am very attracted to and I have been fantasizing about an affair with. I am not sure if I'd ever go through with it, but its a huge alarm to me that my marriage is in jeopardy. I want to feel sexy and wanted again and want to feel that rush and lust that I used to share with my husband. 
Please help!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Whatever you do, don't have the affair or you will feel horrible about yourself in the end. People who end up having affairs either have lost or will be losing respect for themselves. IMHO, you have simply decided to maintain the status quo. Despite what you said, I don't think you took any real action to get your husband's attention in order to tell him "it's do or die time". 

You need to wake him up. Actions will do so much more than words ever can. And those actions SHOULD NOT involve having an affair in any way.

Maybe you can ask him if he wants to be a part time dad, because the way he's acting he'll find himself becoming one some day soon.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So the whole time I'm reading your post, I am waiting fo see if there is the proverbial *"This is this man..." * part of the story.

Yep, there it is:



smalltowngrl said:


> *There is a man *at work who I am very attracted to and I have been fantasizing about an affair with. I am not sure if I'd ever go through with it, but its a huge alarm to me that my marriage is in jeopardy.


The reason why you aren't attracted to your husband as much is cause you are feeding these little fantasies in your head about your co-worker, in addition to your husband's affection-less-ness (word? I just made it up) towards you.

As the old saying goes, "Don't sh!t where you eat" meaning don't sex anyone you work with. It's a disaster. YUCK! 

And that other saying, "Don't cheat" holds true.

Say you were to cheat on your husband. Ok, so you cheat on your husband with this co-worker. Then you have to go to work every day knowing you have cheated on your husband, with this guy you work with, it's effecting your home life, work life, and what if said co-worker starts talking? To your colleagues. Then you are known as "That Woman." That woman who will cheat on her husband with her co-worker. And let's be honest, you will get the brunt of it because women are usually seen as the the office tart if this happens, whereas the man may get kudos (not all, but I hope you guys understand what I am saying). Then your husband say, finds out, on his own, the worst way to find out. And these things always have THE WORST WAY of cropping up when you least expect it.

SO, say all of this happens and then what? Is your marriage better? Do you feel more fulfilled? Are you happier?

No. The answer is no.

Stop interacting with the co-worker unless you need to, work-related, keep your fantasy in check and focus on your marriage. TELL YOUR HUSBAND how you feel. 

Stat.

As I always say: flip it. How would you feel if your husband was posting this as you? Would you like if he went off and had an affair with his co-worker behind your back? 

My guess is...........no.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

smalltowngrl said:


> He is a wonderful person, father, hard worker and very faithful, ...


If he is all of these things, why would you want to crush his spirit, not to mention breaking one of God's commandments, by doing something so cruel as to have an affair?



> I love him, but after years of trying to talk about my needs and basically telling him I am falling out of love or dont have the spark anymore, he continues to tell me "I just dont know what to do and its not me, but I'll try." And really doesnt.


When you say that you've "basically" told him you're falling out of love, does that mean that you've actually used those words? Men need to have things spelled out. If a wife says something like, "I'm bored," she may mean that she's falling out of love and considering an affair. What her husband will likely infer from that is that she's bored.

I suggest that you work through some books like "His Needs, Her Needs" and/or "5 Love Languages." Those are good for giving people some idea of how their spouses think and feel. Your husband may think that he's making you feel loved by working hard and providing for you. But that's not your love language. You need something different.

Also, I suggest you buy your husband the Mindful Attraction Plan and the Married Man Sex Life Primer (both by Athol Kay). Those books can get your husband jump started on what you're thinking and feeling, and how to give you what you need.

Good luck.


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## smalltowngrl (Aug 29, 2013)

i really appreciate your response. i do need to be more blunt and listen to my instincts, because deep down i know itd forever change me and my marriage if i was unfaithful.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

smalltowngrl said:


> Since our marriage counseling session with our pastor before our wedding day I have been asking that my husband show more affection, connect emotionally with me, make me feel special and wanted and more romantic.


First of all...don't have the affair. Period. It won't help anything. If it's that bad then divorce and do it the right way. I was in a similar situation only much worse and caved. I wish I had waited.

Second, based on the quote above you knew all of this before you married him so why are you surprised? Did you think you could change him? That he would improve after marriage?

I'm sure others here will have lots of good advice. Good luck to you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

smalltowngrl said:


> i really appreciate your response. i do need to be more blunt and listen to my instincts, because deep down *i know itd forever change me and my marriage if i was unfaithful.*


Like you wouldn't BELIEVE.


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## smalltowngrl (Aug 29, 2013)

the replies are very helpful. i was desperate for support and thank you. communication is always key so its clear we need to work on this.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Go for it. What have you got to lose aside from your husband, kids, lifestyle, happiness, and piece of mind?

/sarcasm


If you want to feel sexy, talk to your husband in an offhand way. Try to find out what would turn him on, or make you sexy to him.


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## smalltowngrl (Aug 29, 2013)

thx for book suggestions, will look for them. appreciate your time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Smalltown, we are giving it to you straight, because many of us have been there, either in your husband's position (after being cheated on) or the one who actually cheated. 

And one thing is universal: cheating doesn't make anything better. It destroys. And it never ever makes the initial problem/concern that you had go away. Not ever. 

So... talk to your husband and tell him you are really really starved for some affection/time with him, etc. That you want to get some of the magic back. Plan a night out. Make out with him!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

smalltowngrl said:


> I am new here. I am in my early 30's and have been together with my husband for 13 years and married for 7. We have 2 beautiful children, 4 and 18 mos. Since our marriage counseling session with our pastor before our wedding day I have been asking that my husband show more affection, connect emotionally with me, make me feel special and wanted and more romantic. He continues over the years to do very few things without my planting the seed or basically emailing him the idea. He is a wonderful person, father, hard worker and very faithful, but our physical intimacy has taken a nose dive because I just do not feel the spark anymore. I have told him this often and we've been to counseling multiple times with a few different therapists which leaves us feeling better and refreshed, but it fades. We argue a few times per week, but this has improved a it because we're kind of separating emotionally, he is now more involved with golf which I dont really mind and myself with kids and work. I love him, but after years of trying to talk about my needs and basically telling him I am falling out of love or dont have the spark anymore, he continues to tell me "I just dont know what to do and its not me, but I'll try." And really doesnt.
> There is a man at work who I am very attracted to and I have been fantasizing about an affair with. I am not sure if I'd ever go through with it, but its a huge alarm to me that my marriage is in jeopardy. I want to feel sexy and wanted again and want to feel that rush and lust that I used to share with my husband.
> Please help!


Do things in the correct order:

First - work on your Marriage.
Second - separate or divorce
Third - start seeing someone else

don't do the all too common

First - Have an Affair
Second - Work on Marriage (while continuing affair)
Thir - Separate or Divorce

I agree that you are trying to work on your marriage and it doesn't sound like your husband is.

But Cheating isn't worth it. You would always be known as the cheating wife. Ensure that you can leave with your head held high knowing that you have done everything you could to save your marriage.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Limit your exposure to the co-worker you're really into. As long as you've got that in your head, you probably won't even recognize anything your husband does do right and things will quickly get worse.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

smalltowngrl said:


> There is a man at work who I am very attracted to and I have been fantasizing about an affair with. I am not sure if I'd ever go through with it....


There is a lot missing here. Go through with what?

This coworker might be actively trying to entice you into an affair. This coworker might only be barely aware that you even exist. It's impossible to tell from what you've said.

Fantasizing about a coworker is certainly not healthy, but there is a huge difference between the fantasies of one person and the reality of what two people do together.

If there are gaps here that are being filled in by fantasy, might there be similar gaps elsewhere in your life? Is your husband a complete dimwit, or is he bewildered to some extent when it comes to what you need and what will make you happy?


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

Divorce him then find someone else if you must. But you DID marry him and then choose to bring kids into this knowing you weren't happy? WHY???

An affair will break your vows and your word and it hurts you in the eyes of god. (since you seem to be the religious type)

But anyway do the right thing and do NOT have an affair. Maybe MC, maybe any number of things might help but the warning signs were there and you knew him 8 years before deciding to have kids. If you end up in a divorce next time a warning sign hits you in the head (i talk to the pastor about my emotional needs not being meet) please read the sign.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Don't do it.....just go to the Infidelity section here to see the pain and misery that action causes.


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## smalltowngrl (Aug 29, 2013)

I did think he would change and listen to what I needed. He wasnt totally unromantic and insensitive in the beginning, but just really not enough.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I've had an affair, at the end of my marriage. Trust me on this. It won't make your marriage any better, even assuming you can handle the guilt. It will just further widen the chasm between you and your husband as you invest your emotional and intimacy currency in a relationship with someone else. And if/when you get caught... If you thought you had issues now, you ain't seen nothing yet. 

Think of an affair like a heart attack... Years of neglect, poor eating, lack of exercise. These things are manageable if you make the decision to work on it (or get out of the relationship if there's no other options). But the affair is the heart attack of the marriage. Sometimes it just stone cold kills it. Sometimes you can recover. But whatever issues you had originally pale by comparison to the trip to the emergency room and bypass surgery. But guess what? After you finally start to heal from the heart attack, all the original problems are still there anyway!

Just don't do it. It won't fix anything. It's good that you're questioning before you do it, but nobody here is going to tell you it's ok. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smalltowngrl (Aug 29, 2013)

thank you


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## smalltowngrl (Aug 29, 2013)

These are just fantasies at this point bc I am missing the spark and emotional connection with my husband and have had ideas of getting this elsewhere. The coworker is someone I see everyday and we work closely together and talk about our personal interests, etc. I truly dont think my husband is clueless,but happy doing the bare minimum and I dont know why he wont take things a little more seriously, so I need to spell it out loud and clear what i need. I have been very clear, but really am confused. I REALLY appreciate the experience and advice of others saying to not make a mistake with an affair bc I am sure to my core id regret it and dont want to break a beautiful family or marriage up. The ORDER is very important I can see if we really arent going to work out: working on it, separating then moving on. THANKS EVERYONE.


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## smalltowngrl (Aug 29, 2013)

bbird1 said:


> Divorce him then find someone else if you must. But you DID marry him and then choose to bring kids into this knowing you weren't happy? WHY???
> 
> An affair will break your vows and your word and it hurts you in the eyes of god. (since you seem to be the religious type)
> 
> But anyway do the right thing and do NOT have an affair. Maybe MC, maybe any number of things might help but the warning signs were there and you knew him 8 years before deciding to have kids. If you end up in a divorce next time a warning sign hits you in the head (i talk to the pastor about my emotional needs not being meet) please read the sign.


No we were happy in the beginning and had more time for each other of course before kids so my lack of attention was a little less noticeable and we thought carefully about bringing children into this world and into our lives. Its not a loveless marriage, just disappointing at this time in our lives.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> The reason why you aren't attracted to your husband as much is cause you are feeding these little fantasies in your head about your co-worker, in addition to your husband's affection-less-ness (word? I just made it up) towards you.


I disagree with this assessment. She's not attracted to her husband b/c they've grown apart, there's no emotional connection, and they've tried counseling. Eventually, the OP's eyes roamed. Hello! That would be like saying to a man that he shouldn't be sexually attracted to someone at work when he's shut out of the bedroom at home. 

Her emotional needs aren't being met. Simple. Now, I do NOT advocate an affair, but let's keep the why in all this in perspective.


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## smalltowngrl (Aug 29, 2013)

ebp123 said:


> I disagree with this assessment. She's not attracted to her husband b/c they've grown apart, there's no emotional connection, and they've tried counseling. Eventually, the OP's eyes roamed. Hello! That would be like saying to a man that he shouldn't be sexually attracted to someone at work when he's shut out of the bedroom at home.
> 
> Her emotional needs aren't being met. Simple. Now, I do NOT advocate an affair, but let's keep the why in all this in perspective.


I do agree because I have never up until this point looked at another man this way nor ever considered myself someone who would have an affair. Appreciate your response. Have a nice day.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

It might be risky, but I wonder if telling your husband this would provide the jolt he needs to make him understand that he can't take you for granted?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Noooooooooooooo! You have no idea the trauma you will do that will never heal. If y'all cant get back to some modicum of where you want to be then amicably divorce. Don't do this.


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

smalltowngrl said:


> No we were happy in the beginning and had more time for each other of course before kids so my lack of attention was a little less noticeable and we thought carefully about bringing children into this world and into our lives. Its not a loveless marriage, just *disappointing at this time in our lives.*


I guess in good times and in bad comes into play here.

Still please do not have the affair. It will damage your relationships with god, husband, family, friends. It is not worth this ever. Just do what can be done and if you must then I guess divorce maybe the last and only option but please try and make sure every possible route that can be taken has been taken.

Your heart will be at ease then with whatever decision you have to make. Also your soul will be clean that you honored your vows. You will be able to someday look your children in the face and say honestly I was faithful to your father and I tried everything to save our marriage and our home.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Smalltowngirl, I think you need to sit him down and tell him to listen like he never has before. Tell him that you have tried to communicate something and he has not been listening. REmind him of all of the attempts. Then tell him that he had better wake up and change or he and you are in danger of losing your marriage. Be blunt. Tell him that your love bank is so over drawn that it scares you. Let him know that you are in a seriously bad spot. And let him know that he now has the opportunity to change and remedy the problem or to choose to let the love die.
But be blunt. Be that specific. I tried for 20 years to get my wife to do some simple things that I desired. She would not listen and certainly would not do it. I think something died within me. Now.....now she wants what she would not give me....And I just don't think I have it anymore. I am not thinking about leaving or cheating....just having to accept that I don't feel it anymore.


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## smalltowngrl (Aug 29, 2013)

youkiddingme said:


> Smalltowngirl, I think you need to sit him down and tell him to listen like he never has before. Tell him that you have tried to communicate something and he has not been listening. REmind him of all of the attempts. Then tell him that he had better wake up and change or he and you are in danger of losing your marriage. Be blunt. Tell him that your love bank is so over drawn that it scares you. Let him know that you are in a seriously bad spot. And let him know that he now has the opportunity to change and remedy the problem or to choose to let the love die.
> But be blunt. Be that specific. I tried for 20 years to get my wife to do some simple things that I desired. She would not listen and certainly would not do it. I think something died within me. Now.....now she wants what she would not give me....And I just don't think I have it anymore. I am not thinking about leaving or cheating....just having to accept that I don't feel it anymore.


Thank you so much. This means a lot. I am sorry for your loss. Its like you dont even realize day in and day out that things are changing inside until one day you do realize and may be too late. Well we did have a very blunt conversation last nt and it seemed to go well, so we'll see how it goes. I appreciate everyone's help. Its so helpful to hear from others.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

smalltowngrl said:


> Well we did have a very blunt conversation last nt and it seemed to go well, so we'll see how it goes. I appreciate everyone's help. Its so helpful to hear from others.


Well done. I hope it's a wake up call for him.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

Do not cheat on your husband. It is wrong, will make him hurt and you will feel like crap.

If you are not happy leave him before you have the affair.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You wrote, "our physical intimacy has taken a nose dive because I just do not feel the spark anymore." So you have turned me him down frequently and he has turned to other interests and your communication has diminished.  

I think you should first allow your intimacy to return (faking it if needed) and then work on some of the other issues. Once you have two children, the nature of a breakup dramaticallly changes. If you did thus, don't be surprised if your wonderful co-worker has a good one nighter with your and then realizes this is not a smart thing to do professionally and can only hurt him. Your co-worker may well be friendly, handsome, and, nice, but you might find you are 1 of 25. I have a family member who does well with women because of his good looks and good people sense and on vacation I saw he would have had no problem taking a different woman to bed each night. 

I think you may be expecting too much from this marriage. Do note if you did divorce, the new guys are usually not that crazy about the kids from the old marriage, and the kids don't like the new guy, so it can be tough.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

smalltowngrl said:


> I did think he would change and listen to what I needed. He wasn't totally unromantic and insensitive in the beginning, but just really not enough.


What EXACTLY is it that you want / need ? Honestly, be specific. You are just being too vague and so its hard for people here to give very useful advice without you being more detailed.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> So the whole time I'm reading your post, I am waiting fo see if there is the proverbial *"This is this man..." * part of the story.
> 
> Yep, there it is:
> 
> ...


YES! OP my beautiful adopted daughter (Jellybeans) NAILED IT. As a father (and son, father and grandfather) of women in my life I consider myself well qualified to tell you that no good for nothing (oh my I have reached old geezer status with this one :lol: ) ahole can offer anything worthwhile when he reaches out to a married woman. A REAL MAN would NEVER reach out to a married woman knowing that doing so would destroy her and her marriage.

Hi Jelly


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> You wrote, "our physical intimacy has taken a nose dive because I just do not feel the spark anymore." So you have turned me him down frequently and he has turned to other interests and your communication has diminished.
> 
> I think you should first allow your intimacy to return (faking it if needed) and then work on some of the other issues.


This one will depend very much on your situation and how badly your relationship has deteriorated. If you have to drink heavily to have sex with your H or it leaves you feeling awful inside, don't do it. You'll be doing more damage than good to yourself and your relationship. 

If, however, you enjoy having sex with him when it does happen, and it feels like doing so opens your heart, then definitely have more sex!


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## skb (Dec 1, 2012)

I disagree with several of the comments you've received. But having been there, I can tell you an affair will in fact change your marriage forever. And I would guess it would likely be the beginning of the end for your marriage. Have an affair and it likely won't be your last. Have an affair and you'll lose ALL feelings you currently have for your husband. So be prepared if you choose that route.

I would flat out tell him you two need to start talking about a divorce. It there's anything to save that should shake him up. If that doesn't have a permanent impact on your relationship go ahead with a divorce. Otherwise I'm afraid you're faced with a lifetime prison sentence.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

smalltowngrl said:


> i really appreciate your response. i do need to be more blunt and listen to my instincts, because deep down i know itd forever change me and my marriage if i was unfaithful.


It will not only change you and possibly cost you your marriage but you will lose your family and possibly the respect of your family and children.

Infidelity is never worth it.

Stop those wayward thoughts and turn your focus inward.

Because while you are doing pro's and con's on your husband you have yet to do the pro's and cons's on yourself.

HM


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Have you gained weight that's usually the main factor in men losing interest in their wives I've observed.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

IF you want to have an affair read the infidelity board first. See what is does to the WS. If you still want to have an affair after that then leave


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

youkiddingme said:


> Smalltowngirl, I think you need to sit him down and tell him to listen like he never has before. Tell him that you have tried to communicate something and he has not been listening. REmind him of all of the attempts. Then tell him that he had better wake up and change or he and you are in danger of losing your marriage. Be blunt. Tell him that your love bank is so over drawn that it scares you. Let him know that you are in a seriously bad spot. And let him know that he now has the opportunity to change and remedy the problem or to choose to let the love die.
> But be blunt. Be that specific. I tried for 20 years to get my wife to do some simple things that I desired. She would not listen and certainly would not do it. I think something died within me. Now.....now she wants what she would not give me....And I just don't think I have it anymore. I am not thinking about leaving or cheating....just having to accept that I don't feel it anymore.


I agree with the above. But before you sit him down and do this you have to be very clear what you want.

Read the book "His Needs, Her Needs". IT will help you figure out what you need.

Get the book ' "Divorce Busting" and read at least the chapter on the 180. (It's not the 180 in my link below.)

After that, then plan out what you want to tell him, sit him down and tell him that you are on the verge of filing for divorce. 

When he says that well being romantic and giving you attention is just not who he is.. that's the opening to tell him that there are concrete things that the two of you have to do.

For example the two of you have start scheduling 15 hours a week of time together, just the 2 of you. 1-5 hours every night once the kids are in bed. A longer date every weekend. You two sign up for a class together.. scuba diving and dance classes are good ones. Or in his case maybe something revolving around golf. Now when two have an interest together. You can do long weekends and vacations round any of these. 

This is just one of the many ways you two can start to build your relationship back up. Surely he can do something like this.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Some, sorry most, men are clueless to the needs of women. 

It sounds like he is one of them.

You may be unhappy that you have to do all of the work, but until you teach him how to love you like you need to be loved, that is how it is going to be.

Write down for him what you need out of your relationship. Sit together and work on small goals that he can work towards on a daily basis.
Keep a visual reminder for him so that he can stay on track.
As he completes his goals, create bigger ones. 
Eventually it will become habit. 

I know it sounds like a lot if work and that after so long he should really know, but how can we expect someone to just know something?
When walking into a new job, do we automatically know how to do it or do we require training? Does a child automatically know how to use the toilet, or do they require training? Do we just know how to drive a car, or do we require training?

Unfortunately, some men require training on how to be affectionate to their wives. 

Get on him, work with him, guide him and get on him some more until he clues in.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I will admit to having the same thoughts as the OP. I have not followed through with it and probably will not. The wife has zero sex drive. Also, the affection is a one way street. I am the one who does all of the touching, kissing, and such. Anyways, it is natural to want that in your life especially if the needs could be met at home but are not. I would suggest that you either have a heart to heart with the husband and attempt to work it out or move on. Guilt is a powerful force once unleashed on someone.


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