# How do I NOT take this personal..



## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

I will try to make this short and sweet.. 
I have been married to my husband for 3 years, almost. We have been through some CRAZY storms. My husband has definitely wore down my self esteem, for sure. He has had a number of online affairs, telling other women how sexy they are, how he wishes I was like them, Skype'ing them and "cyber sexing", meeting up with them, etc. Now because of all of that, I in turn, had my own affair. (yes I know, awful but I defintely take ownership of that).. with all that said, we are working things through. 
We have a set of issues. Now the most recent one apparently, is my weight. Now, I have never been a slim woman. I am a "Beyonce" figure type. I can admit that I have put on some weight. However, I can also say that I am extremely curvy. I have a smaller waist line and a small stomach. My husband is fit. As in, 9% body fat fit..
We went away this weekend. I put on a pair of pants and noticed that they were snug. He was very upset. I told him that I was CONFUSED by him. See he has a photo collection of women called Eye candy in his computer. And these files play, with different types of women on them. Some of these women are VERY large. I am talking easily 200lbs but he has them there because something they have appealing. So I bring that up and he comes out with.. I LOOK at them because they have something that I like be it large breasts or whatever but I don't want that. I dont go home with them. I have to go home to THIS and deal with it.

Now everything inside me wants to tell him to FK off... to be honest. I don't know how to not take that personal and I am seriously hurt. Any feedback would be valued.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Tell him to F off.

Seriously. I'm done mincing words when it comes to how I feel and my self worth and my boundaries.

But that's just my opinion. lol.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

> Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.


It's a movie quote, but I think it's appropriate here.


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Tell him to F off.
> 
> Seriously. I'm done mincing words when it comes to how I feel and my self worth and my boundaries.
> 
> But that's just my opinion. lol.


Yeah, that's exactly where I'm at... 
It's one thing to tell your spouse that you feel like they should really take fitness seriously. But saying some -ish like... I have to go home to THAT and deal with it.. 

Yeah, this one is hard to come back from.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Seems like most of it would be hard to come back from.

Looking at dirty pics, dating sites, etc....how much will you tolerate?

F him.


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Seems like most of it would be hard to come back from.
> 
> Looking at dirty pics, dating sites, etc....how much will you tolerate?
> 
> F him.


Honestly, the pics don't bother me. But what does is the damn sense of tolerance I feel. Then he gets mad when I quietly make a point. That means.. I do my hair, throw on some light make up, put on a nice outfit that is "tastefully" revealing and just walk down the street. Then the reactions I get say it all.. How's DEALING with THAT? :rofl:

But frankly, I am so close to taking his sh*t and leaving it outside. I didn't even mention the CONSTANT mood swings. If I don't do something, he's sulky. If I do, do something but not QUITE the way he wants, he's sulky. So I am borderline DONE.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Run Forest Run. I wouldn't put up the "eye candy" crap or any other the other stuff in a marriage. Yeah you cheated and shouldn't have but in reading your post I don't see where there is anything to save.....maybe I'm missing something IDK.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. F that guy.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So you've both had full on physical affairs ? I gotta imagine that there is very high emotions between the two of you.

I'd take his comment for what it is and not get hot under the collar about it. He's a very fit person, clearly that's something important to him and something he holds himself to as a standard. He's just extending that standing onto you - his wife.

I know it's popular in the US to dump on anyone who says anything about a woman's weight - but in this case he isn't saying one thing for you and another thing for himself. He's just sharing his own view on how he himself views his fitness and yours.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much weight have you gained since you became engaged?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Men are very visual. Some are happy with women who are not stick figures and some are not. Apparently, he has this ideal image of how you should look. It's up to you whether you want to meet that or not. It could be a deal-breaker for him if you don't. Consider your options.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

I usually stick up for the fellas, but in this case, I'm with the ladies. 

Go tell him to F himself!

And why did you marry a guy like that anyway? Nice guys too boring for you?


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Seems like most of it would be hard to come back from.
> 
> Looking at dirty pics, dating sites, etc....how much will you tolerate?
> 
> F him.


Did you forget about the part where she was cheating on him too? Or does that not count?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anuvia said:


> Did you forget about the part where she was cheating on him too? Or does that not count?


Her's was what is called a revenge affair. They are very common.

He opened the Pandora's box with his having multiple affairs.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I love curves. Sorry your husband sounds like a loser.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

You have a figure like Beyonce??? Is he CRAZY? I mean even if he doesn't like that body type, no he can make a comment like "come home to THAT" or watever he said. Hold you head up and know you beautiful. My H LOVE my body always tells me (even though I'm 7 mos pregnant) but he would trade it in for a Beyonce figure in a New York minute! (Just the body, not me LOL!)


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Go on the computer and find pictures of hot guys and when you here him come home, splash a bit water on your face to look like your sweating, hold your breath so your face will be rosy red and un button your pants. When he comes in give him a smile and ask how his day went. Yours went fine. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Maybe he'll know how disrespect feels. Yeah, I'm a guy but I don't care for people who think they are a cut above in their own mind.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Her's was what is called a revenge affair. They are very common.
> 
> He opened the Pandora's box with his having multiple affairs.


So basically her's doesn't really count then and the husband is a POS because he cheated first?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Anuvia said:


> So basically her's doesn't really count then and the husband is a POS because he cheated first?




No, the hb is a POS because he treats her like cr&p.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Princess Puffin'stuff (Mar 8, 2013)

You could lose quite a bit of weight by simply dumping his sorry ass.


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> So you've both had full on physical affairs ? I gotta imagine that there is very high emotions between the two of you.
> 
> I'd take his comment for what it is and not get hot under the collar about it. He's a very fit person, clearly that's something important to him and something he holds himself to as a standard. He's just extending that standing onto you - his wife.
> 
> ...


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

Viseral said:


> I usually stick up for the fellas, but in this case, I'm with the ladies.
> 
> Go tell him to F himself!
> 
> And why did you marry a guy like that anyway? Nice guys too boring for you?


People change..... The end.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

I'm on the "FTG" bandwagon. 

What does this man want you to do? Tell him how LUCKY you are that he still comes home to you? Give me a freaking break. 

OK, yeah, I get that weight gain can be an issue for both men and women but like you said, there is a right way and wrong way to mention it. He knows this is bothersome to you so what he needs to do is support your efforts in helping you lose weight. Such as working out together. 

"Hey honey. I know that you don't like the way you look and if you need help or advice, let me know. I love you and I don't like to see you upset over something that we can work on together". 

Sadly that comment is not one you can bounce back from easily. It's going to stick with you for a long, long time. 

I'm sure if you made a comment about his schlong shrinking since you met him he'd be posting here tomorrow.


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

6301 said:


> Go on the computer and find pictures of hot guys and when you here him come home, splash a bit water on your face to look like your sweating, hold your breath so your face will be rosy red and un button your pants. When he comes in give him a smile and ask how his day went. Yours went fine. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Maybe he'll know how disrespect feels. Yeah, I'm a guy but I don't care for people who think they are a cut above in their own mind.


This would be a very interesting experiment to conduct. He flips out when he THINKS I am looking at some dude on the street. Like he will pull his hand away from me and everything. And honestly, I USUALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHO THE HELL HE IS TALKING ABOUT. I wonder how that would sit with him, if I developed my own "eye candy" library. I wonder if he would not take it personally, like he's always tell me to.... Stay tuned.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Viseral said:


> I usually stick up for the fellas, but in this case, I'm with the ladies.
> 
> Go tell him to F himself!
> 
> And why did you marry a guy like that anyway? Nice guys too boring for you?


LOL Spot on! I always wonder why women marry dirtbags like this and leave the "nice guys" because they are boring". Hey ladies! Boring guys come home and can be taught tricks and take out the trash! "Fun exciting" guys give you herpes!


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

IrishGirlVA said:


> I'm on the "FTG" bandwagon.
> 
> What does this man want you to do? Tell him how LUCKY you are that he still comes home to you? Give me a freaking break.
> 
> ...


You see how you placed it above? That's EXACTLY how he could've approached it. Now listen, I get that fitness is VERY important to him. It really is. He takes exercise very seriously. But.... I HAVE TO GO HOME TO THAT? Really!?!?!. My measurements as of this AM are: 36, 29, 43. Yes, I am very hippy and I have a large apple bottom LOLOL. But nope, I am not fat. I feel like I can stand to lose a few pounds, yes. But even if I was large, you don't say that to your wife.. UGH


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

Sanity said:


> LOL Spot on! I always wonder why women marry dirtbags like this and leave the "nice guys" because they are boring". Hey ladies! Boring guys come home and can be taught tricks and take out the trash! "Fun exciting" guys give you herpes!


Okay let me put this into perspective. He wasn't always like that. Had he been like that *before* we got married, I woudn't have got married. So no, it's not that I didn't want to marry a "boring guy".. I find that term to be ridiculous. As I said to the previous poster.. People change..


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He doesn't HAVE to go home to anything. 

Let him have his phone pics and affairs. I mean, if it's such a chore to come home to you...like it's suuuuuch charity work.

Eff him.


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He doesn't HAVE to go home to anything.
> 
> Let him have his phone pics and affairs. I mean, if it's such a chore to come home to you...like it's suuuuuch charity work.
> 
> Eff him.


LOLOL.. thatgirl.. I don't know you but I think you're awesome :smthumbup:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

His_Wife_77 said:


> This would be a very interesting experiment to conduct. He flips out when he THINKS I am looking at some dude on the street. Like he will pull his hand away from me and everything. And honestly, I USUALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHO THE HELL HE IS TALKING ABOUT. I wonder how that would sit with him, if I developed my own "eye candy" library. I wonder if he would not take it personally, like he's always tell me to.... Stay tuned.


It sounds to me like he is attempting to maintain a certain power balance in the relationship, with him above you. It makes perfect sense when you think about it, he makes sure you know that you're beneath him physically and men looking at you gets in the way of his superior position because as you know it's harder to convince you that you're inferior when other men look. If you look at other men it also threatens his position of superiority because it ups the chances of you getting attention, which convince you you're not beneath him physically and he can't have that. This is a sign of deep insecurity and a controlling nature that will not get better on it's own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Please spare yourself from this loser and get out of this relationship. If my husband said that to me, I would tell him that nobody HAS to come home to this and if he doesnt want to, get the F out. Seriously, what a loser!


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

inquizitivemind said:


> Please spare yourself from this loser and get out of this relationship. If my husband said that to me, I would tell him that nobody HAS to come home to this and if he doesnt want to, get the F out. Seriously, what a loser!


Ugh! What's worse is that he walks around sulky. Like I'm the one who insulted him. I was at the gym yesterday with my husband. I walked away from him to work out and do my own thing. He was still in ear shot of me. The manager of the gym walks by (he didn't see me with my hubby at first) and said... No disrespect love but damn you are dangerous! Hubby heard it. I carried on like nothing happened... lol. 

I try not to take things personal. But the problem with ALWAYS having to not take things personal is... your heart gets hardened since you always have to guard it.. so whatever I feel for him is just... BLAH.


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> You have a figure like Beyonce??? Is he CRAZY? I mean even if he doesn't like that body type, no he can make a comment like "come home to THAT" or watever he said. Hold you head up and know you beautiful. My H LOVE my body always tells me (even though I'm 7 mos pregnant) but he would trade it in for a Beyonce figure in a New York minute! (Just the body, not me LOL!)



That's awesome that your hubby makes you feel that way . BTW, congrats on the baby!!

I can only wish, girl...


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> It sounds to me like he is attempting to maintain a certain power balance in the relationship, with him above you. It makes perfect sense when you think about it, he makes sure you know that you're beneath him physically and men looking at you gets in the way of his superior position because as you know it's harder to convince you that you're inferior when other men look. If you look at other men it also threatens his position of superiority because it ups the chances of you getting attention, which convince you you're not beneath him physically and he can't have that. This is a sign of deep insecurity and a controlling nature that will not get better on it's own.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have no idea but there is a very controlling part of him, although he hates to admit it. Luckily though, I am not THAT down and out about myself. He can't make me feel like I'm that bad when I look in the mirror and see something different.. and so does everyone else. It's unfortunate that the one person I want to notice me, feels as if he has to DEAL with me...


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## His_Wife_77 (Jun 9, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> How much weight have you gained since you became engaged?


Honestly, does it matter how much weight I've gained? I am NOT at all fat, or sloppy or anything like that. I have put on about 15 lbs. He's changed physically as well. I never make him feel badly about it. In fact, I've told him time and time again that I like him more NOW then I did when we first got together. I like watching him mature. Now there are things about him physically that I wouldn't mind him changing. But at the end of the day, I love him. And I wouldn't want him to feel like this.


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