# He gets upset when I am upset



## wakeupsusie (Oct 27, 2010)

Me and my partner have been together for almost 4 years.

We've had this problem from probably the very begining of our relationship...

Okay I'll try to explain my problem very simply..
Our usual pattern is like this... I had a bad day, come home and I start to talk about my problem and he often cuts me off and tries to poit out what I did wrong and give me unwanted advice.
I am left feeling unheard, not understood, therefore more annoyed and being blamed for what I should have done but I didn't.....
Of course I start to feel much worse than before I talked to him. All I wanted from him was some warm words to console me and a big shoulder to cry on.

We almost never fail to fall into this pattern whenever I try to speak to him about my problem. So I got to this point that even when I an feeling a bit down I don't really want to speak to him about it because I can see clearly what will happen if I do...

I know that most men are like him and I do appreciate that he tries to help me in his way even though it doesn't really work with me or even make me feel worse.
I understand or try to understand that he does so with his best intention.

The real problem here is though, even I have explained him that men and women have different approches to cope with problems, he doesn't seem to understand at all.
I tell him exactly what I want from him when I am upset(ears to listen to me...) and then I would be okay and would be ready to listen whatever advice he could give me( even though I dont really want it! )and that would help me alot!

But instead of saying, "okay i understand, I'll try to just listen next time..."
he simply says, 'I can't do that, because I clearly see what your problem is....bruh...bruh..bruh.
And then he gets upset at me if I still insist( of course I do. we are talking about MY problem not his! ) for not taking his advice and being just upset" 
No matter how many times I explained to him that I DO want to listen to his advice but I need to take some moments to calm down and let my anger or whatever negative feelings that I am actually feeling then go before I am ready, it doesn't seem to sink in him... 

And he says I am very stubborn because I don't listen to him and he does't know how to *help* me and it makes him sad that I don't accept him when he tries to help me.
I don't think I'm stubborn and no one ever said I am before.

At the end, he sounds like that "I" have some personality issue to fix so that we could communicate well and I could take his advice whenever HE thinks I need. We start with me speaking about my worries but it will soon be taken over by his anger or frustration towards me.
(It's not like me complain about things for hours and hours..
I would say as soon as I open my mouth to talk about problem to him he immediately goes down into a "fixer" mode. or..maybe I might be being a bit unfair, okay he tries to listen to me, but it lasts 5 mins at the best..)

Here I am totally lost how to communicate with him. I have tried all I could think of to have him uderstand how it works but unfortunately I haven't been successfull at all. 
Any suggestions?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is why women usually vent to their girlfriends ! My husband is odd, he does listen & console. I give more advice than him! BUt you are so correct, this is generally the way men are wired, they live to "FIX" things. 

Sounds like a good book suggestion to dig deeper into this mystery of the male & female brain >>>>

Amazon.com: Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps: How We're Different and What to Do About It (9780767907637): Allan Pease, Barbara Pease: Books: Reviews, Prices & more


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ive told my husband that sometimes I need to hear this simple phrase: "yes honey, I understand."
sometimes I let him know, before I start venting about an issue, that I know he might have a great solution, but for right now, I just need him to listen and let me talk about something, and give me a "yes honey, I understand."
sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
some guys have a hard time not becoming personally offended if you don't take their advice or put full value in whatever they say. My dad does this.
Some guys have a low patience and tolerance level for complaining for the sake of it instead of pinpointing an obvious external solution to what appears to be an external problem. My husband does this.
What helps me is realizing that this is my husband's way of caring and getting involved or invested in my issues. I can appreciate that; better that he cares enough to think of a solution, than tubes out entirely. Sometimes that's the best I can expect, and I can appreciate it for what it is.
Also, my hubs has said, " just because I offer a solution or suggestion, doesn't mean I expect you to take it!" in other words, it's just what he does; in some ways, he offers solutions more for his own sake than mine. It makes him feel better to think he can "do" something about an issue. Yes, I know that in those moments it shouldn't be about his needs, but yours---believe me, I can relate to that frustration.
But if youre beating your head against the wall trying to get him to see your point of view, that may not work; instead try to see his, so that maybe next time it happens you won't feel as frustrated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I meant "tunes" out. Silly iPhone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Take it from me....get this communication issue fixed now or you could end up like me *dead marriage*
Do all you can now...put your foot down w/him and make sure he hears what you need...good luck


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

That's an issue that a licensed marriage and family counselor could really help you with. Seriously! People way too often say "go to counseling", but lots of problems, even a marriage therapist would be stomped. Not this one. This one is very help-able as long as both of you make a commitment to go.


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## Zammo (Aug 9, 2010)

> No matter how many times I explained to him that I DO want to listen to his advice but I need to take some moments to calm down and let my anger or whatever negative feelings that I am actually feeling then go before I am ready, it doesn't seem to sink in him...


Nor is it likely to sink in.

In all seriousness, men solve problems. It's in our genes. We hear a problem and our basic, biological instincts kick in and our man-brains analyze the situation to come up with solution to the problem. We can't stop that. Asking us to change some basic programming will only make you both frustrated and resentful.

However, all is not lost. If you are just looking to vent, that's what your female friends are for. And I am also sure that you do have some problems where you are honestly looking for a solution - those are the problems for your husband to hear! That's a win-win-win situation... you get to vent, he gets to solve the problem, and you get the problem solved!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I must be "man like" in this respect because I tend to do the same thing when someone tells me their problems. I try and come up with ways to "fix" it. Oh, and I'm really good at reading maps! 

People like this have to learn to sit and just listen. The book "Men are from Mars/ Women are from Venus" really goes into these differences between most men and women. 

Fortunately my teenage daughter is awesome at listening. I usually talk to her (as long as the subject is appropriate) and when she vents to me I've learned to just sit and nod and say "I know honey, it'll be alright". 

Unfortunately my husband comes off as either critical or disinterested many times when I try and talk to him so I understand where you are coming from. If you have friends who can listen that's great..or that's why there are forums like this!

A lot of times I just wind up getting on the elliptical and listening to my Ipod. Music really does soothe the savage soul.


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