# Husband got affair partner pregnant while we were separated



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Just found out today. He also admitted to cheating on me 2 yrs ago when we were still married/living together.

About 3 weeks ago he called me crying and begging for forgiveness telling me none of this was my fault - it was all him, he's made so many mistakes, yada yada, and he loved me and wanted to make it work.

I am distraught. He has now bought this woman to haunt my son's life forever. What am I going to tell my little boy about his new "brother/sister". Its so sick.

He told me he broke it off with her 8 weeks ago, told her he still loved his wife (me) and wanted to make his marriage work. I asked him when was the last time you had sex with her, he said 3 days ago. Then he said but he hadn't seen her for 5 weeks before that. I asked him why did he do that he said he didn't know.

I felt sick to my stomach when he told me. Who has unprotected sex these days? I asked him was he happy with the mess he's made of his life he said no I'm ashamed and stupid.

I'm filing divorce papers next week. I have to get away from this chronic liar/cheat or he will continue to destroy and poison my life and my son's. He already has a 20 yo daughter to a woman he "accidently" knocked up.


He has been diagnosed with BPD but still... he makes bad decision after bad decision.


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## themagicalbeing2013 (Mar 19, 2013)

It seems that he feels that you are the only one that can help him and keep feeling him that means something... He wants to continue doing things like this and then having a place to go after...
I feel sorry for the other kid too..


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I find it amazing nobody else has anything to say about the predicament that has been thrown at me.

Does nobody else find this shocking and sick?


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Sometimes the forum moves slow. I'm sorry that he did this to you. I would make sure you get what you are entitled to, by discussing with a lawyer


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

It's a terrible situation but it seems like you have already figured out you need to leave this man. He's unreliable, untrustworthy and now has two 'half-families' unless he shacks up with OW.

You're not new to TAM so I'm guessing you've been exposed to some shocking truths already. I'm sorry this is now your reality, I really am. Yes, I find it extremely disgusting. 

I'm glad you are not living under the same roof as him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What he has chosen to do is heinous.

The only response from you that makes any sense is to file for D, extract full custody and support.

And to widely expose to friends and family what a horrible nasty person he is.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

What a guy eh. Not even the first time has made that mistake.. So not going to change and seems to me youre not making right decision, your making the only decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Is there proof that this OW is actually pregnant? When did she tell him? Before he slept with her 3 days ago OR after? It could probably be a lie on her part to keep him OR if she is really pregnant, she did it to trap him. We ALL know how that will turn out. 

You're doing the right thing. File for divorce. Don't be his emotional support anymore. It's not worth it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BBT,

Sex in the midst of the affair fog is almost always unprotected.

That's because this or that "perfect" person is their soul mate.

So, what could be the harm?

It's just an indication of how deep the delusion is.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

staystrong said:


> It's a terrible situation but it seems like you have already figured out you need to leave this man. He's unreliable, untrustworthy and now has two 'half-families' unless he shacks up with OW.
> 
> You're not new to TAM so I'm guessing you've been exposed to some shocking truths already. I'm sorry this is now your reality, I really am. Yes, I find it extremely disgusting.
> 
> I'm glad you are not living under the same roof as him.


UM THREE half families. He got a girl pregnant when he was 22. The child is now 21 yo. You think he would have learnt his lesson.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> What he has chosen to do is heinous.
> 
> The only response from you that makes any sense is to file for D, extract full custody and support.
> 
> And to widely expose to friends and family what a horrible nasty person he is.


That I am doing. I can't live with this or him. As for his family - the sick [email protected]^%rds are thrilled for him. They are somehow happy he left his wife and special needs child, and knocked up some ********* on the side.

I feel nauseous all the time. The whole thing makes me ill.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Left With 4.5 said:


> Is there proof that this OW is actually pregnant? When did she tell him? Before he slept with her 3 days ago OR after? It could probably be a lie on her part to keep him OR if she is really pregnant, she did it to trap him. We ALL know how that will turn out.
> 
> You're doing the right thing. File for divorce. Don't be his emotional support anymore. It's not worth it.


Hey 4.5, Yes she really is pregnant. She emailed him the ultrasound on Friday. Along with a note saying "here's your first pic of your new baby!" As of Friday she is 8w 4 days along. To make matters more insulting its due on my son's due date. 10 years to the day. 

So here's where it gets interesting. We talked and he answered all my questions. We went online and calcuated the conception date. Checked it 3 times with different sites. He said "I broke it off with her 8 days before that". He said he didn't have sex with her again until a week ago, and when they were "done" she told him she was 8 wks pregnant. He told me on Thursday.

He swears he wasn't seeing her in that conception week. But who knows??? He dumped her 8 days before. She possibly could have found some other poor idiot and had sex to get herself pregnant but in this day of accurate DNA tests who would think they can still fool a guy? So either it has conveniently slipped his memory or its not his. Either way I'm not waiting around for another 7 months to find out.

Another kicker: after we had our son we tried for over 2 yrs to have another baby. We ended up having fertility treatment and *his sperm tested abnormal*: low count, low motility (movement) and bad morphology (abnormal shape). The specialist told us it would be very hard for us to concieve. He didn't say impossible he said its never impossible but very unlikely. My tests came out just fine.

How sad. and stupid of him. We were in the early process of reconciling, and he still begged me to take him back now.

The only choice he has left me with is to file. I have no choice. 
All being said and done the way my luck is, it will end up being his. I can't live through 7 mths of waiting to find out.

Oh yeah.. she's 14 years younger than me


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Forgot to add, he said he has asked her repeatedly to get an abortion and at first she was vague. Made some excuse like "my friend said my medical conditions make abortion risky" I have no idea what conditions she has. Now she is flat out refusing. He said he does not want to be with her, she is contacting him all the time. Im just telling what he's told me. I asked him why did he have sex with her last week. He said he went over to talk her into having an abortion and it just happened. I know - pathetic.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

brokenbythis said:


> Forgot to add, he said he has asked her repeatedly to get an abortion and at first she was vague. Made some excuse like "my friend said my medical conditions make abortion risky" I have no idea what conditions she has. Now she is flat out refusing. He said he does not want to be with her, she is contacting him all the time. Im just telling what he's told me. I asked him why did he have sex with her last week. He said he went over to talk her into having an abortion and it just happened. I know - pathetic.


It just happened....

Yes, he was passively sitting there minding his own business and it just went in!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Conrad said:


> It just happened....
> 
> Yes, he was passively sitting there minding his own business and it just went in!


Of course, his [email protected] made its was out of his pants and crawled over to her on its own. It then did the deed on its own accord and gave her some more sperm!!

Whenever he does something stupid and I ask him why, he always says "I don't know" Emotionally retarded. An overgrown teenager.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> Of course, his [email protected] made its was out of his pants and crawled over to her on its own. It then did the deed on its own accord and gave her some more sperm!!
> 
> Whenever he does something stupid and I ask him why, he always says "I don't know" Emotionally retarded. An overgrown teenager.


You will be much better off without him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should be demanding a DNA test when they do the amino.

If not for you, then for your son because this other kid is gong to be a drain on your sons access to his father and money, so demand a DNA test.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

After all the OW is a tramp that sleeps with married men. So it's also likely she went out and got laid 8 weeks ago when your husband broke up with her briefly.


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> Hey 4.5, Yes she really is pregnant. She emailed him the ultrasound on Friday. Along with a note saying "here's your first pic of your new baby!" As of Friday she is 8w 4 days along.


Do they do ultrasounds that early in pregnancy now? I was pregnant just 5 years ago and my doctor said they don't do ultrasounds until 16-20 weeks. It still sounds a little fishy to me.

If she is, DNA test is a must.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> That I am doing. I can't live with this or him. As for his family - the sick [email protected]^%rds are thrilled for him. They are somehow happy he left his wife and special needs child, and knocked up some ********* on the side.
> 
> I feel nauseous all the time. The whole thing makes me ill.


So the apple did not fall far from the tree I see.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What a mess. I really feel badly for you and your son. 

A new child will impact your child. Getting the divorce in the works before this new child is born could help protect the amount of child support you get.

This woman send an ultrasound? Do they really give ultrasounds at 8 weeks these day? That seems crazy early. 

A 8 week old fetus is about 1/2 inch in size and weighs about .04 ounces or 1 gram. Did they pass out a magnifying glass with that ultrasound?

Have you seen the ultra sound? How big is that fetus in it.

Make sure he gets a paternity test. There is one he can do now via a blood test from the mother. They can apparently separate out the baby's blood cells from the mother's.

It sounds like if she is actually pregnan he might not be the father.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

First OB/GYN ultrasounds on the first visit are standard practice. I know since I work in Health Insurance. He emailed it to me, along with the docs notes. Its legit. She's definitely pregnant.

He knows about the pre-natal DNA blood test. He wants one but he can't pay for it. He's dead broke. They are about $1,800, not covered by insurance.

He may or may not be the father. He probably is even though he says he was not with her on those dates. He probably doesn't remember correctly. The fact still remains he has put us through this turmoil and heartache.

So the way it went down is: 3rd wk of January he breaks it off with her. A few days later she tells him she's pregnant. He tells me to get a divorce on Jan 27 but won't tell me why. He claims he didn't see her for a few weeks then he thought since she was pregnant he would try to make it work with her. He said a week later he wanted out. Wanted to reconcile with me and broke it off with her the second time.

In this brief time he was seeing her again. 4 weeks later she says:

"Oh I wasn't pregnant before like I thought I was but I am now".

She clearly did this to try to get him to sleep with her and get her pregnant since he had ended the relationship. He was stupid enough to go back. He still says that 10 day time frame around conception date he was not seeing her. I asked him do you think she just wants money or does she want you. He said "she wants me".

I am amazed that women still do this. These men usually end up hating them because theyve been trapped into something they didn't agree to. The old get pregnant to keep him trick is still going strong it seems.

She is posting tons of photos all over her FB page of him and her together from the last few mths they were together. With captions like: The love of my life. The man I love, etc. 

I am so angry at his niave stupidity. What a stupid man. He's going to have no money left, literally, when hes done paying me chilkd support and alimony and her child support. He'll be 62 YO when he finished child support. 

So as it stands she is refusing to have an abortion and hopes he will go back to her. He has told her no way you are on your own. He told me if she goes through with the pregnancy he does not want to be involved in the child's life, he will just give her money.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

oregonmom said:


> Do they do ultrasounds that early in pregnancy now? I was pregnant just 5 years ago and my doctor said they don't do ultrasounds until 16-20 weeks. It still sounds a little fishy to me.
> 
> If she is, DNA test is a must.


I think if the mother has issues, the doctor can do an informal vaginal ultrasound. My doctor did that for me with my last one because I kept bleeding. I had to wait till after 16wks to get a real ultrasound.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> First OB/GYN ultrasounds on the first visit are standard practice. I know since I work in Health Insurance. He emailed it to me, along with the docs notes. Its legit. She's definitely pregnant.
> 
> He knows about the pre-natal DNA blood test. He wants one but he can't pay for it. He's dead broke. They are about $1,800, not covered by insurance.
> 
> ...


I think your husband remembers the exact dates he's been with her but won't admit it. Even if he didn't see her a couple of days, sperm can survive up to 5 days. So 5 days of the sperm swimming around, plus conception to amount of days it takes for implantation....10 days total? 

Either way, this lady is trying really hard to trap your husband. If she got pregnant from another man, she is making it like your husband was the one who impregnated her. She wants what you have and right now. She has NO IDEA that your husband will end up with pretty much nothing. 

You're right, your husband will end up hating her and the child. This is what happens when a guys think with his d*ck. I have a friend that was going through a divorce and met this girl. She trapped him by getting pregnant. The kid is 2 years old now, and my friend has so much hatred for being tricked and trapped, he's constantly trying to find other women to escape (another stupid move).


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Left With 4.5 said:


> I think your husband remembers the exact dates he's been with her but won't admit it. Even if he didn't see her a couple of days, sperm can survive up to 5 days. So 5 days of the sperm swimming around, plus conception to amount of days it takes for implantation....10 days total?
> 
> Either way, this lady is trying really hard to trap your husband. If she got pregnant from another man, she is making it like your husband was the one who impregnated her. She wants what you have and right now. She has NO IDEA that your husband will end up with pretty much nothing.
> 
> You're right, your husband will end up hating her and the child. This is what happens when a guys think with his d*ck. I have a friend that was going through a divorce and met this girl. She trapped him by getting pregnant. The kid is 2 years old now, and my friend has so much hatred for being tricked and trapped, he's constantly trying to find other women to escape (another stupid move).


4.5: Its more than likely his. Only he is stupid enough to get this wh&%bag pregnant. I've dealt with his immature, stupid, impulsive actions the entire time we've been married. He will never change. Just when I think things are getting good another "bomb" drops. The main reason is he cannot change, its hardwired into his system. He's an idiot. Such a shame for a man who could have had such a bright future. 3 degrees, accomplished in his job, promoted, etc. 

He's going to be 62 when he finishes paying for this new child. He wanted to retire at 50. I don't think so. He's going to be paying us so much money he won't have anything left. I mean it - he will have about $2200 a mth to live on. His rent will chew up half of that. His car payment, school loans (which I'm not responsble for he had them before we got married). Living costs, gas he spends $300 a month on. He's screwed. All bought on by his stupid actions without any thought for the consequences. He's going to be working like a dog for the REST OF HIS LIFE for what will feel like nothing.

When I asked him how could he be so stupid to have unprotected sex with an obviously unstable young woman, he replied "I didn't think I could get anyone pregnant" and "She said she was on birth control. What a complete idiot.

He's turned real nasty today. Vicious in fact. I told him I'm filing this week and he's livid. Like he's angry at ME?? after what he's done?

Just 2 days ago he begged me to take him back. I said NEVER.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's angry at you because you won't agree to be his Plan B. Ignore him.

Some intelligent people just have no common sense. He sounds like one of them.

Be grateful you are getting out of it.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

He was just here dropping off our son. Ranting on about what HE'S going to take from me in the divorce.

When we talked about settlement about 6 mths ago he said I could keep what's in my house and he could keep what's in his house. Now he's saying he wants everything added up and he wants half the value. Made me pretty angry.

The slag pregnant OW just told him today she's definitely keeping the baby and that yes he did sleep with her on those dates. Well surprise suprise. So its definitely his. A part of me was hoping it would not be, not to take him back, just so my son and I would not have to deal with it for the rest of our lives. I expect she'll be posting ultrasound pics on facebook soon. How humiliating.

So is she going to tell people she's having a married man's baby?

I am upset about that conversation. I don't want a drawn out divorce battle over household furniture. I just want a divorce. I just want him gone as much as I can get rid of him in a divorce with our son involved. So he doesn't touch our lives with his toxic mistakes again.

He's visibly a broken man. A very small part of me feels pity but then I think he got himself into this mess, along with all the other huge mistakes he's made in his life.

I keep reminding myself he's never going to change. He'll always be a screw up who does stupid things, and a liar. It's still sad to see someone go down like this, he will never recover from it now. It does make me sad but I have to stay focused on protecting myself and getting what I need to take care of my son.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Oh yeah. Guess where he knows her from?

CHURCH!

:rofl:


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Ok everyone now I'm really upset. I just read somewhere that once his new baby is born and she files for child support, he can file for a modification order on MY child support and spousal support because he will be paying so much.

*Does anyone know if this is true?*

How is that fair? Why should MY child born out of a 13 yr marriage SUFFER because of his stupid decisions? Why should my child and myself PAY for his reckless stupid mistake to go get another woman pregnant?


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> Ok everyone now I'm really upset. I just read somewhere that once his new baby is born and she files for child support, he can file for a modification order on MY child support and spousal support because he will be paying so much.
> 
> *Does anyone know if this is true?*
> 
> How is that fair? Why should MY child born out of a 13 yr marriage SUFFER because of his stupid decisions? Why should my child and myself PAY for his reckless stupid mistake to go get another woman pregnant?


Well, they both are his kids. They both have rights. His reckless and stupid mistake shouldn't be paid by the poor innocent unborn child.

I'm on your side here, but just wanted to point out that your argument is unlikely to stand in court.

See if you can sort out your divorce before the child is born.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Once again, you need to get a lawyer and you need to require a DNA test on that kid. She's a skank, why would you just accept her saying its his?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Once again, you need to get a lawyer and you need to require a DNA test on that kid. She's a skank, why would you just accept her saying its his?


Shaggy: I wish I could hire a lawyer. I can't afford to I can hardly pay my rent. However, I have seen 2 different attorneys. 

One was for the free hour consult: she wouldn't discuss case particulars only process and costs to hire her and retainers. She said if I need any more info I need to retain her.

I paid a 2 hour consult to see another lawyer ($550 I could not afford) and she went over as much as she could in 2 hours. This was before the "baby" news. I don't have any money. At both of these appointments I asked if I could request he pays attorney fees since he earns $110,000 a year. I was told yes you can request that but you have to pay it upfront, plus retainers and you only get it back at final judgement.

I have no money to retain or pay an attorney thousands throughout this process. I only had enough to consult one on what I could ask for. The filing and case will be Pro Se with the help of the family law facilitator at the courthouse. STBXH will be doing the same. He's dead broke.

As for the pregnant OW I agree what a skank. I bet 99% its his. Reason being she's such a skank I couldnt imagine anyone being stupid or desperate to bang her except my idiot STBXH. The other woman he got pregnant 21 yrs ago was a total skank too. She still is.

STBXH said hes not signing anything or paying anything until he gets a DNA test.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Ok guys I need a sounding board here: I've been searching online for others who have been in my situation ie: separated and husband gets another woman pregnant. It seems to be more common than I thought, which shocks me.

Most of my friends tell me file and run for the hills. Which is the course of action I am taking

I have others "giving advice" of how I should "find forgiveness" and "with love anything is possible" and "you made a vow to stick by him good times and bad". I've also heard BS like "men do silly things sometimes thats just the way they are". 

Some people have suggested I should accept this new baby, care for it on visitation days. Stay in my marriage and forgive him. "It's not the child's fault". ARE THEY HIGH? Or am I a heartless person? 

These same people have never walked in the shoes I'm in right now..... 

I have to endure the humilation of telling everyone I work with and my friends and family that my husband of 13 yrs knocked up a 31 yo friend of his 21 yo daughter's from church. And its due on my son's original due date. OMG I feel sick just thinking about it.

Please tell me if I'm wrong.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BBT,

First of all, his behavior is his to own, not yours.

Second, it's pretty easy for others to preach forgiveness when they haven't walked in your shoes.

You could wait until the child is born and take a look at it. You'd likely have some indication of who the father might be.

I mean, if the child is of a different race or somesuch, that makes it easy.

I'd go to 50,000 feet and observe the situation.

Let him fix it - for once.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Conrad said:


> BBT,
> 
> You could wait until the child is born and take a look at it. You'd likely have some indication of who the father might be.
> 
> I mean, if the child is of a different race or somesuch, that makes it easy.


Oh dear... the pregnant OW is of another race. Its not going to look much like him. DNA tests are in order. Not that I give a damn I'm still divorcing his azz. After what he's done? No forgiveness, sorry. Its sick.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> Ok guys I need a sounding board here: I've been searching online for others who have been in my situation ie: separated and husband gets another woman pregnant. It seems to be more common than I thought, which shocks me.
> 
> Most of my friends tell me file and run for the hills. Which is the course of action I am taking
> 
> ...


This is a very personal thing. Some women are able to forgive their husband and help raise the child. Others are not.There are also some men who openly accept it when their wife get pregnant by another man and they raise the child. But most men cannot do this.

There is no one way you should handle this. Do it the way that it's best for YOU and YOUR SON. Your son is your primary concern. 

Maybe, since you have made up your mind, it's time to stop asking for advice if you are going to be bothered by advice that you do not agree with. Why torture yourself like this?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

A lot of this advice is unsolicited. I feel like people judge ME because I don't want to hang around and raise my husband's & girlfriend's baby. Like I'M the one abandoning it. 

I don't see why I should take on this mess that my husband created. I didn't want this and didn't ask for it.

I'm having horrible, very disturbing nightmares. I wake up in a panic and full of anxiety. I've never had this before in my life, I usually sleep like a log. Since this newest "bomb" (and there's been many over the years) I'm averaging 4.5 hrs sleep a night and having these terrible dreams. They are vivid and graphic, mostly images of him having sex with her. I'm traumatised by the whole thing. I don't know if it will ever go away.

I did some research and the dreams and anxiety and images are normal for what I've been subjected to. PTSD they say, yep I've had PTSD before from a violent attack in my past but I don't remember ever having dreams and anxiety like this.

We were in the process of reconciling when he found out. The anger I feel towards him is rabid, I'm literally foaming at the mouth. Its like he's ruined everything because of his sheer stupidity of banging a sperm seeker that was obsessed with him, without a condom.

He's always had a lack of boundaries and it has caused tension in our marriage from the get-go. He never sets limits with anyone. He knew this girl was unstable but kept on going back for more unprotected sex despite the multiple red flags she put out. She has posted tons of pics on facebook with captions like "In love", "with my love" and detailed descriptions of their weekend getaways. All of our mutual friends stopped talking to me and were making 'likes' and comments on their photos together. That hurt an awful lot. I had not done anything or said anything about our separation and yet they dumped me too, along with my husband dumping me. I can't get a grip. I can't believe people do these things.

Even now he says he always told her he didnt want a relationship. I pointed out well she obviously didnt know that. He said yeah those pics were an issue of contention. She did other "stalking" like things, and still he didn't run. His lack of setting limits and recognizing red flags in people have always caused me to lose respect for him.

Even though I've made my decision it doesn't make it any easier. I'm torn apart he's forced my hand. That he's left me no choice. This was the man I left my home country for (NZ) and loved and adored. I still loved him even after I kicked him out last summer. When my son started coming home talking about this woman and I asked him who is she, I always got "were just friends".

I didn't want this for me or my family but he did it, not me.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> I didn't want this for me or my family but he did it, not me.


This.

If the advice is unsolicited, tell them you don't want it as your mind is set.

A marriage vow is important and shouldn't be walked away from lightly. However as soon as he cheated that vow was broken.

Do what is right for you, don't worry about what he wants or what other people think.

Sounds like you are doing the right thing for you so just be happy in that. If you went back against your better judgement, you would be miserable.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I came into this marriage with a pure heart and total comittment. I truly believe marriage is a sacred pact between two people. Your body, your integrity, your comittment to each other and protecting your family is at the top of my list. 

He has not done his job protecting our family from crap like this. He's exposed us to something tainted, ugly. I feel like my life will never be the same and I've lost my innocence. I wonder if I will ever be able to have a committed, deep, loving relationship again.

*He said it was not cheating since we were separated at the time.* Even though he made no moves towards divorce and kept me on the hook throughout the entire time. Dinners, texts, cards. He acted with me the same way he probably acted with her - allowing us to believe he was interested. He claims thats not true, I know its true and she's probably been subjected to the same lack of boundaries he has as I have.

When he started seeing this sleazoid woman he dragged our little boy along. They had "family days out". I asked him repeatedly not to get our son involved. He was so ****y about it said stuff like "relax, we're just friends" or "you can't tell me who he sees". I explained this would hurt and confuse our son. He laughed at me and said "I don't see it that way". 

In the divorce docs I stipulated a stay away order for this woman around my son.

When he was seeing her he also told me "the grass is greener". Guess that grass is not greener. 

I for one, would not want to tell my child your father was married.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Sounds like he wanted you as Plan B.

So not only did he get this OW pregnant, he misled you so he had a plan B and he also got his son involved? Classy.

The only person whose judgement really matters is your own. If you are OK with this course of action then do it.

I don't think the dreams etc are odd. You are having to choose to end your marriage because of what he chose to do. Unfair for the BS to be in that position but seems t happen a lot.

You know what though, so what if you were separated at the time. It's not like it is a one off mistake for him. I say good on you for doing what is right for you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Let me not cloud this message with too much extra text...

You are doing the right thing divorcing him and those people who think you should smile and welcome the bastard child into your home are either insane or have no empathy at all for the level of pain you have suffered by him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Right now you need to take care of yourself and your son. I think your current trama, the dreams, are due to this pregnancy now finally making his cheating so real to you that it's all consuming. 

You need time to heal.

Your description of your husband makes him sound like he has some serious problems with impulse control. He might have no control over this and that's why he just keeps doing it. I've known people like this and have had to cut them out of my life because they impulsively get themselves in all kinds of messes. Then they wonder why the world is so against them. They really have no clue. I think that a lot of bi-polar people have this issue. Don’t know what it is. 

But you sure don’t need it in your life.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> I am amazed that women still do this. These men usually end up hating them because theyve been trapped into something they didn't agree to. The old get pregnant to keep him trick is still going strong it seems.


Yup, this still happens...Happened to me! When we got married we agreed to no children. I told her its a 100% dealbreaker for me. Didn't stop her from sleeping around to get pregnant to trap me in the marriage..

After all, she was just following the advice of her mother and grandmother.."Husbands will always take you back. Thats what they are there for."

She is now unemployed, being investigated for welfare fraud, living with her parents, moving to a farm in the country and raising a child she insists is mine, yet refuses to get a DNA test for..


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

The support I have received here is truly getting me through. To be able to write this stuff, get it out and have others feedback is so, so helpful to this process I'm going through. Thank you everyone, I need you guys right now.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I talk about all sorts of things I am thinking in my thread. Not just direct separation stuff. 

It's great to get whatever you need to out of you.

I believe finding TAM is the single best thing i have done post separation.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

So the skank he got pregnant is A FRIEND OF HIS DAUGHTER'S. Daughter from skank #1 22 yrs ago.

The skank has already told his daughter, against his wishes (of course).

His daughter thinks its cool. SICK SICK SICK. Sick people all of them I can;t wait to be permanently severed from them all. I have taken legal steps to keep his sick family and skank away from our son. He is special needs and has anxiety attacks. I spoke to his therapist tonight and she said he will need a lot of counselling to prepare him for this, and he is on a needs to know basis for as long as possible.

My STBXH's daughter lives with him right now... they are always fighting and I know she will blurt it out to my sweet little boy just to go against her father's wishes.

uugghh.. sick people.


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## cmf (May 21, 2010)

brokenbythis- I use to post a lot about 7 months ago. I have been through the exact same situation. Only my estranged husband and I did reconcile after his first manic 2 year rampage. He fathered a child and lied about it when we reconciled, found out about the baby when it was 8 months old! He went manic again last spring/summer and told me. BP is no joke and gets much worse the longer it goes untreated and the older they get. I didn't realize the role it played in all of this mess. I have been separated 8 months and had to move across the state to get away, as he became violent and delusional with me . We have 2 kids and I am fighting him for full custody. We have also been married 13 years. Let me know if you ever need support, I understand what you are going through.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

*BIG NEWS*

I filed today. Legal separation. Need the health insurance. I felt sick going there, cried last night, took hours for them to go through my forms I had prepared, get them copied, filed, etc.

But when the court clerk stamped everything with the case number and *** vs *** on it, gave me my receipt for filing fees.

I ACTUALLY FELT VERY, VERY RELIEVED.

I'm glad its done. Its another nail in the coffin of this toxic man and his sick family and friends. I'm happy today. Now I'm dead tired. I haven't been sleeping well since I found out about the OW being pregnant. I think I'll sleep well tonight.

A huge load has been lifted off my shoulders.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

That was a big step. When it's time to file, doing so does exactly what you feel now... relief. It can give you back the feeling that you are in control of your life... not the drama, not the husband who is working overtime to mess up his and everyone else's life... 

You have now taken back the control over your life.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> That was a big step. When it's time to file, doing so does exactly what you feel now... relief. It can give you back the *feeling that you are in control of your life... not the drama,* not the husband who is working overtime to mess up his and everyone else's life...
> 
> You have now taken back the control over your life.


Oh yes I have. You hit the nail on the head. This is exactly how I feel. IN CONTROL of me and away from the madness. Its like a solid brick wall just went up betweem his life and mine _and I like it._

I haven't slept for weeks which is very unusual for me I usually sleep easily and soundly. I went to went last night and slept 9.5 hrs.. My body must have know it was time to relax..


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

cmf said:


> brokenbythis- I use to post a lot about 7 months ago. I have been through the exact same situation. Only my estranged husband and I did reconcile after his first manic 2 year rampage. He fathered a child and lied about it when we reconciled, found out about the baby when it was 8 months old! He went manic again last spring/summer and told me. BP is no joke and gets much worse the longer it goes untreated and the older they get. I didn't realize the role it played in all of this mess. I have been separated 8 months and had to move across the state to get away, as he became violent and delusional with me . We have 2 kids and I am fighting him for full custody. We have also been married 13 years. Let me know if you ever need support, I understand what you are going through.


First.. glad you're back!! Wow I was stunned to read your post - ironically STBXH told me on Sunday the shrink he sees thinks he may be bipolar II. My best friend had a bipolar mother and she's been telling me for years he's bipolar. I thought he had Borderinline Personality Disorder and so did our family therapist but even she is now reconsidering her diagnosis.

Looking back he's been through dark periods and up periods over the past 13 years, but the past 2 years HAVE BEEN THE WORST.

Just the past 2 years he has "gone off his rocker". Extreme highs, extreme lows. Yes he did this insane sexual acting out, high risk without thinking of consequences. About 4 wks before the time this woman got pregnant he came off his meds because he thought he didn't need them anymore.

Now he's deep in the pit of depression again and crying non-stop, full of remorse and self disgust, ashamed of his behaviour, looking at the consequences of his actions and not liking what he sees. He goes on about how he can't believe he did this, can't believe he was so stupid. I asked him "what were you thinking" he says "I don't know". It's like he was on remote control. I asked him who in thier right mind has unprotected sex and pregnancy aside, weren't you concerned about sexually transmitted diseases? He said "I didn't care at the time".

Everything he has done is so far from typical of this man. Since he got that other woman pregnant 22 yrs ago in much the same circumstances, he has always expressed his regret at his stupidity and even before we married we had long talks about never taking risks, use of condoms etc. We discussed our personal views of this subject in depth and I respected his views and the fact that yes he made a mistake and he would never be so stupid again. He's a cop and I've even heard stories from his workmates over the years of him telling young men "don't trust what these women say, use your own condoms not hers". 

I don't understand mental conditions like a professional does. I am the somewhat normal person standing on the sidelines and all I can see is "who in their right mind does this". Every crazy, reckless thing he has done I just shake my head. 

Fact remains whether the mess he's in was caused by mental illness or not, I don't want anything to do with it  Filing for Legal Separation was the best move I've made in years.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I just found this thread, BBT, and I must say I am SO proud of the way you are handling this! You resisting his tears and pathetic displays shows real strength. He will get to wallow in his own mess without you, which is exactly what he deserves!


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> Fact remains whether the mess he's in was caused by mental illness or not, I don't want anything to do with it  Filing for Legal Separation was the best move I've made in years.


You've done the right thing. You don't need to associate yourself with his destructions anymore.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

WELL... forgot to tell you guys the funniest part of my court filing day:

I got hit on at the courthouse by the Sheriff's deputy on duty.

Upon arriving at the courthouse I went through security. The sherriff's deputy on duty took my purse and folder and put them through x-ray. He said "hang on what's iin your purse"? I remember I had little nail sciccors in there. I pulled them out and gave them to him. I said "what can they do". He put them to his neck and made a motion like stabbing.. I joked "well don't worry my husband's not here with me so that wont happen today"... hahaha.. He laughed. Then the chatter started. He had heard my New Zealand accent. Where are you from? What part? How long have you lived here, etc. I said I have to go and sign in.

So I went downstairs to the FLF office, signed in and waited. About 20 mins later down he comes, and sits down next to me. Definitely hitting on me.

So you guys know my STBXH is a cop...

I had the URGE to tell him: *DUDE - I don't care how cute you are, if you can charm the birds out of trees, or if you're an amazing lover NO MORE COPS*.

I am serious. No more cops. Even though he was cute, about my age and no wedding ring. I'm done with cops, something about them I think.

OMG I also had my little taser stick in there and he didn't take that. it's pink  I wonder if he thought the taser in my purse was a vibrator :rofl: OMG~!!!

The women at work came into my office when I got back to work that day. I work with a seriously great bunch of girls who have been very supportive. One of them, she said something that touched me " well you're a beautiful woman, you won't stay that way (divorced) for long". I guess its just a bit of validation but it helps my self-esteem a little after the years of being told I was washed up. No tthat I plan on dating anybody for a long, long time.

I guess the moral of the story is I'm not so old, fat and ugly as my STBXH used to tell me I was. You hear it long enough, often enough from a crazy man you start to believe it.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Today I had a doctors appointment and she tested me for every STD out there, including Hep C, HIV, all of them.

I got upset when I was waiting, thinking - HE has put me at risk. He's done this to me. I have to wait x amount of days worrying if he's gven me anything. yuck..

I sent him a text telling him I got tested and didn't hear anything back.

I sent him another one asking "do you have any regret or remorse about putting me at risk like this?"

I did not hear back. Obviously no regret or remorse. What an assh(*e.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I have nothing to add other than to say you are well rid of this man.

Sadly you have a child with him so you can't just walk away. What a mess.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> WELL... forgot to tell you guys the funniest part of my court filing day:
> 
> I got hit on at the courthouse by the Sheriff's deputy on duty.
> 
> ...



Actually I find his behavior repugnant. He is trolling for quim and looking for it from the new divorcees. I'm guessing he does this to every comely woman that walks through his metal detector. Far easier than maintaining an actual relationship. Don't worry, if you'd gone out with him he'd be gone after he put that notch on his bedpost.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> Today I had a doctors appointment and she tested me for every STD out there, including Hep C, HIV, all of them.
> 
> I got upset when I was waiting, thinking - HE has put me at risk. He's done this to me. I have to wait x amount of days worrying if he's gven me anything. yuck..
> 
> ...


I really hope everything comes out free and clear. We all know how my tests went. Still NO remorse or anything from my ex. Just 5 minutes after I told him that I have to get surgery for my cancer (he showed no emotion), my MIL told him that a family friend of ours just found out that his cancer had returned. My ex right away said, "I have to call him and visit him." I was speechless. 

You are so much better off without your ex. It's not worth it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I asked him when was the last time you had sex with her, he said 3 days ago


Have to hand it to him for being honest though


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Have to hand it to him for being honest though


Yep I'll give him that he was honest and answered all of my questions.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> the bastard child


No. NO!


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

sandc said:


> Actually I find his behavior repugnant. He is trolling for quim and looking for it from the new divorcees. I'm guessing he does this to every comely woman that walks through his metal detector. Far easier than maintaining an actual relationship. Don't worry, if you'd gone out with him he'd be gone after he put that notch on his bedpost.


quim. What an amazing word.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

bbt: 

Have you considered moving back to New Zealand with your son? You would have emotional support (and actual physical support) for both of you.

Do you have father/brothers/family friends there who could be POSITIVE male role models for your son? Hanging around his father and his father's girlfriends (young enough to be his daughters) and all their drama (and baby drama, and baby mama drama) is NOT going to help him reach his full potential.

Your STBXH could always save up the money he's spending on wining/dining bimbos to visit his son in NZ. In the meantime, they can always Skype (it's free).


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> bbt:
> 
> Have you considered moving back to New Zealand with your son? You would have emotional support (and actual physical support) for both of you.
> 
> ...


I have thought about it, but won't for 2 reasons:

1. He will not allow my son to leave the country with me. This is by court order. Can't be changed. My son is a US citizen & a NZ citizen also. No judge in this country will sign off allowing a parent to permanently take the child out of the US if the father does not agree. If I leave and take him on his NZ passport I am kidnapping my own son.

2. My life is here now. I have great (normal) friends, and my son does have some excellent male role models in the form of male relatives on my STBXH's side who are impartial and still very supportive and loving of me. My dad visits twice a year for a month each and is very close to my son - and who else for a better father figure, he was an excellent father to me, he has always been there for me and never let me down.

I totally agree the lifestyle my STBXH leads does not teach my son a single thing about growing up and being a responsible man, husband and father.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

So I do have some good news. When I went to the docs this past week for the full STD tests, she also did a complete check up on me. *I have lost 40 lbs over the past year*, my lipids are not only good they are absolutely perfect. Here's the results:

Total cholesterol: 127 Under 200 is good
Triglyceride 58 Under 150 is good
HDL cholesterol 42 Over 40 is good 
LDL Calculated 82 Under 130 is good
Cholesterol to HDL Ratio 3.8 Under 5 is good
LDL:HDL Ratio 2.48 Under 3.5 is good
VLDL (Calculated) 12 5-40 is standard range

Blood sugars were great too. Blood pressure was 104 over 71

So I was thrilled even with all this crap going on I have improved my health and feel great. These results are a far cry from a year ago, believe me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> I have thought about it, but won't for 2 reasons:
> 
> 1. He will not allow my son to leave the country with me. This is by court order. Can't be changed. My son is a US citizen & a NZ citizen also. No judge in this country will sign off allowing a parent to permanently take the child out of the US if the father does not agree. If I leave and take him on his NZ passport I am kidnapping my own son.
> 
> ...


You do realize that if you just left and went back you NZ your dirtbag husband would have to go through an awful lot to force you to come back right? it would cost him a ton of money, and it doesn't sound like he really cares all that much. If your life is here I understand. Just pointing that out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> You do realize that if you just left and went back you NZ your dirtbag husband would have to go through an awful lot to force you to come back right? it would cost him a ton of money, and it doesn't sound like he really cares all that much. If your life is here I understand. Just pointing that out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My son's passport expired before I filed and the STBXH won't sign the passport renewal forms (needs both parents signatures).


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I still had to sign a letter allowing my children out of the country when my wife took them back to her home country for a visit. So I don't think it would matter even if their passports were valid.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Update: For the part month the STBXH was wanting to see me, come over to my house, go to dinner and chat/text all the time.

Then I saw he added his old EA's back to his facebook. A week ago I went no contact, told him I didn't want to see or talk to him anymore, and to only contact me about our son.

Well he turned nasty.. deleted me off FB (I dont care I was going to anyway) and started being really rude and snappy at custody exchanges.

A few days after I went NC, he started seeing the pregnant skank again and according to a mutual friend, he has pics of her and the ultrasounds all over his facebook again.

What a healthy individual he is. Over the past 6 wks he has been telling me wanted her to die, hoped the baby dies and wished he could "put a bullet in her head". The minute I give him his marching orders he runs back to her. Water finds its own level so they say.

Door firmly and permanently shut now!

Only thing that worries me is since he is a narcissist and pyschopath, he is going to get really extra nasty in the divorce proceedings. That is stressing me out, having a nutcase like him fight you all the way just so he can "win" is stressful.

uugghh.. wish I'd never met him.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> Update: For the part month the STBXH was wanting to see me, come over to my house, go to dinner and chat/text all the time.
> 
> Then I saw he added his old EA's back to his facebook. A week ago I went no contact, told him I didn't want to see or talk to him anymore, and to only contact me about our son.
> 
> ...


This is psychotic! He wanted OW and HIS OWN CHILD to die? I'm sorry but you are well rid of him.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

sandc said:


> This is psychotic! He wanted OW and HIS OWN CHILD to die? I'm sorry but you are well rid of him.


I know.. it chilled me to the bone to hear him say these things, and it was more than once. Years ago he told me he would put a bullet in their heads if he could get away with it - in this incident he was talking about illegitmate child # 1 and her mother. Lately he's been saying he hopes current OW and dies or she miscarries the baby. So he doesn;t have to deal with them.

Sick... My IC therapist tonight told me to read "In sheeps clothing" .. she said it will all ring true for me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wow, he is out of control. 

With him saying things like that about her, you can only imagine what he's saying about you right now.

It might be wise for you to have a VAR on you whenever he's around you. You have no idea what might come out of his mouth now that you have told him you will not get back with him.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Well he really is off his rocker. Today he told me "he hoped she didn't get pregnant on purpose". Read my first post. Of course she did. What an idiot. I know he's immature but please... She tell him she;s pregnant after he leaves, she's really not, he goes back out of guilt, she goes off birth control and 2.5 wks later gets pregnant. Oh come on.

I told him you can both live in fantasy land to cover up what you did, she will never admit it because that would be admitting to a devious act and desperation to keep a married man. I told him he will never see it for what it really is, because what would mean admitting to himself he is a fool, was duped, tricked and manipulated. Far too much for his narcisstic ego to take.

What a pack of fools. Lies, lies lies.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> I find it amazing nobody else has anything to say about the predicament that has been thrown at me.
> 
> Does nobody else find this shocking and sick?


I definitely do.

Divorce this chump.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

SkyHigh said:


> I definitely do.
> 
> Divorce this chump.


Oh I am! First hearing is this week.

They both desrve each other.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

And now, having read the entire thread, I have to say that this guy is one piece of work.

Stay away. Far away. This is one unstable piece of trash. 

Heck, treat him like the Zombie Apocalypse if you have to. He clearly only seems to care when he's about to lose something. Time for him to learn a lesson, and guess what...you're the teacher.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> Update: For the part month the STBXH was wanting to see me, come over to my house, go to dinner and chat/text all the time.
> 
> Then I saw he added his old EA's back to his facebook. A week ago I went no contact, told him I didn't want to see or talk to him anymore, and to only contact me about our son.
> 
> ...


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Update: STBXH has been "fishing" the past month or so. Sending me sweet texts, wanting to have lunch, asking me if there's any chance we can be together, and have visitation with his baby to OW. I've said, no, no and no.

Earlier this week he was sending me somewhat semi-suicidal texts. He's been taking out new credit accounts at an alarming rate because he's broke.

Wednesday he wants to see me for lunch. Says he wants to discuss his pension settlement with me. I agree. I keep it to business during lunch. Later that night he texts me and asks was I just being friendly or is "there more to our relationship". I said no just being civil.

Then he replies. Ok. I'm going to move in with xyx (OW). He said he cant afford to pay us both support so since I don't want him (which I definitely do NOT) he's going to move in with her.

What a sick POS he is. He's told me on numerous occasions he hates her, wished she would die, wished the baby would die. Now he's going to use her for free rent and to get out of paying her child support.

Alarming also is what kind of doormat woman would even want him to move in after the way he's treated her.

Not that I give a damn if he lives with her but what made me angry was our son will have to spend 2 nights a week in her house, watching this sick "family" fantasy play out. OMG could my ex screw up my son any more? 3 big lessons he has taught our son:
1. Marriage means nothing, commitment means nothing
2. Its ok to get a "friend" pregnant
3. Its ok to shack up with someone who you do not love, or even like.

Everything my crazy ex does makes me cringe. He is a complete embarrassment to me.

This week I'm filing a motion to convert the legal separation to a divorce. I'm also considering filing a custody order change request asking for him to have supervised visitation pending a psychological evaluation by the court.

He's one sick puppy and I'm worried about our son being taken along on this drama. Does anyone have any thoughts on this latest twist?


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Wow, he's gone off the deep end! I am so glad that you have seen all this and realize that you want nothing to do with it anymore. Your son will see what a screw up he is and will one day step up and tell him off. My son did. These guys are a real nut case!


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