# "I feel...when you..."



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

For the record, when I calmly say something like: 
"i feel disappointed and hurt that you won't do xyz for me..."

I am met with:

defensive interrupting
raised voice
profanity

SO...
Then, I explain that I feel upset when I am interrupted with profane raised voice.
When I'm then interrupted with a threat---"watch me get MORE upset!"--I say that I just wanted to make my feelings known, and for him to let me know that he heard me.

It's up to him to care or not.
But let the record show what happens when I say "I feel...when you..."
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_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can't change his reactions. You only have control over you.

It sounds like things aren't getting better between you.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> You can't change his reactions. You only have control over you.
> 
> It sounds like things aren't getting better between you.


Yup.
Things are getting better *inside* of me. But not between us.
I feel freedom from trying to control him or hanging my hopes on what he does or doesn't do.
I make my feelings and responses clear.
If he wants to keep seeing only negative in everything I do, that's his choice.
He knows how I feel, and what I'll do if he continues to say and show:
"I don't give a DAMN that you don't like it when I yell and cuss!"
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long have you guys been together/married? 

My ex used to say stuff like this:

_"I don't give a DAMN that you don't like it when I yell and cuss!"_

He liked to say _"I don't give a F what you think/what your opinion is."_ 

Romantic, yeah?

What's your plan?


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

My counselor told me to say the same things, and it is definitely empowering to have the knowledge that I CAN'T control my H too! (How's that for ironic? LOL!)

Me and the kids are setting out for our new life on the 11th of June. He's helping us move. Ha!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I feel PI$$ED OFF when you're a complete LYING A$$HOLE!!!

I've tried this and it doesn't seem to work...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> What's your plan?


get a job (in process)
take care of myself
make my feelings and boundaries known
be responsible for my feelings
be happy
treat myself and him with respect
let him show that he cares or does not
get my ducks in a row
keep a record of what's said by both of us

I'll know when I'm ready. Not yet.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long together/married?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

And....

Let him be miserable if he wants.
But not receive the brunt of his misery.
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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> How long together/married?


Together 3 years. Married almost one year.
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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

TemperToo said:


> My counselor told me to say the same things, and it is definitely empowering to have the knowledge that I CAN'T control my H too! (How's that for ironic? LOL!)
> 
> Me and the kids are setting out for our new life on the 11th of June. He's helping us move. Ha!


It is empowering, and a beautiful irony. Embrace it.
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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

credamdóchasgra said:


> For the record, when I calmly say something like:
> "i feel disappointed and hurt that you won't do xyz for me..."
> 
> I am met with:
> ...


Changing your dialogue because you think you'll change him is manipulation. Saying those things is not about changing him, its not about getting him to care or stop yelling. You have no control over him; But more importantly, you don't what to try and exert any kind of control over him. 

Changing your dialogue is about externally monitoring what's going on for you internally. Its a way to catch yourself if you're blaming, projecting, etc. Its to change you so you can be happy and emotionally healthy. You do not always have to voice how you feel and you do not always have to go through the entire script. You can use some of it, all of it, or none of it. But if you do chose to voice how his behavior is effecting you, strictly following the script will keep you in the realm of healthy communication. That's to keep you happy. Its completely independent of him. If you follow the script its impossible to argue. that alone is worth it.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Blanca said:


> Changing your dialogue because you think you'll change him is manipulation. Saying those things is not about changing him, its not about getting him to care or stop yelling. You have no control over him; But more importantly, you don't what to try and exert any kind of control over him.
> 
> Changing your dialogue is about externally monitoring what's going on for you internally. Its a way to catch yourself if you're blaming, projecting, etc. Its to change you so you can be happy and emotionally healthy. You do not always have to voice how you feel and you do not always have to go through the entire script. You can use some of it, all of it, or none of it. But if you do chose to voice how his behavior is effecting you, strictly following the script will keep you in the realm of healthy communication. That's to keep you happy. Its completely independent of him. If you follow the script its impossible to argue. that alone is worth it.


I know and I agree.

Nothing in my post even remotely implies that I want to change him.

It is an observation of fact.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Then what difference does it make how he reacts when you use that dialogue? why were you pointing that out?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Blanca said:


> Then what difference does it make how he reacts when you use that dialogue? why were you pointing that out?


To process.
Because I'm seriously thinking of leaving him.
Because this is an open FORUM and I'm silenced in my own home.
Be....cause.
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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Please read only what i write: "here's what happens."

and not motivations that are NOT there: "I want to change him."

I never said that.
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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

I get it credam. I am not trying to change mine either, but it's perfectly ok to hope (even just a little) that they will want to change themselves. It's called loving someone and wanting the best for them, but knowing only they can provide it. I don't understand why hope is considered manipulative?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

TemperToo said:


> I get it credam. I am not trying to change mine either, but it's perfectly ok to hope (even just a little) that they will want to change themselves. It's called loving someone and wanting the best for them, but knowing only they can provide it. I don't understand why hope is considered manipulative?


I may be beyond hoping he changes. 
I'm just observing what happens, studying it, and taking it on board for whatever decision I have to make.
But I feel for you--of course you hope for the best with him. Stay strong.
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## SpecialK (May 27, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> For the record, when I calmly say something like:
> "i feel disappointed and hurt that you won't do xyz for me..."
> 
> I am met with:
> ...


I heard the defensive interrupting. I get that too. Our therapist told us to use this tool & I swear when I point out my husband is interrupting me he does stop talking. But there is NOTHING behind his eyes while I talk. He is not listening. Active listening people!


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## incognitoman (Oct 22, 2009)

I think word choice is very important to guys. I can tell you that as a guy I will instantly get defensive when certain words are used and become instantly understanding and remorseful with others. I think everyone has trigger words and you just need to find yours.

I do think its great that you are using "I" statements rather than "You statements"

For me words that make me feel defensive are the words that sounds very final. For example, never, always, won't, can't. Also I want to show my wife respect all the time and when she points out that I am making her feel disrespected I generally listen to what she is saying. I think everyone is different but maybe this will help you in some small way.

You also might try changing the order. When I read what you wrote I can see why he would be defensive, I would be too. 

Maybe try something like "When you [do/don't do] XYZ, I feel ____. I would like you to [do/don't do] ABC.

I think that sometimes its important to help us guys out by giving us a suggestion on how you would like us to act. Imagine your issue is helping out with laundry. "When you don't help with the laundry, I feel disrespected, and like a maid. I would really like you to make an effort to help me more often with this."

Just my $0.02


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

We had a surprisingly mature and productive conversation today about something important. I was amazed.
Every time he interrupted me, i just said calmly "not finished yet" or "I'm in the middle of my sentence" or "ok, now it's mid-word..." 
every time he told me what he thought I was feeling/thinking, I just said calmly "actually, what I said was..."

He's a tough one to communicate with, but I'm not going to be bulldozed.
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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Are you leaving him on the 11th?

Sigh..... Us guys are so stupid sometimes. 

I'm so glad I found this site. It helped me fix my brain. I used to be so defensive too. I think I felt I had to preemptive strike the negativity. Except it ends up being a big negative spiral.

Change is the easiest thing in the world if you just let it be.
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## incognitoman (Oct 22, 2009)

alphaomega said:


> Are you leaving him on the 11th?
> 
> Sigh..... Us guys are so stupid sometimes.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Are you leaving him on the 11th?
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dude...if this is you remembering my anniversary date, then I am sincerely impressed.

I can't leave him on the 11th.

But the status quo will not be my entire life.
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