# How to heal hurtful words?



## feelinglost12 (Jan 2, 2012)

Hi,
I am new on here, don't really know if I am even doing this right... but anyways.. Here is my story. Sorry in advance about the length. I just kind of need to vent. Thanks in advance for help. 

As of lately, I just feel like I can't do anything right in my husband's eyes. We haven't always been like this but when we argue he end up saying horrible things to me. For example today I simply asked him a question about a gift and he freaked out on me and it turned into this whole big fight with him saying that I pout everytime we hang out with his family (which I just went on a weekend get away with his entire family and enjoyed myself) He said that my family doesnt do anything for us and continued to yell that at me. It hurts so bad because they do SO much for us. When he fights he doesn't hold back and just ends up making me feel like such a horrible person. I have little to no self esteem because of the things he says. He then usually texts me or comes and says sorry he doesnt want to fight, but the horrible things he says don't go away. I want to be with him whole heartedly because he is a great guy, just when we fight, the words dont go away and the emotional scars aren't healing. 

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with the hurtful words and how to start feeling better?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

He does say sorry that is something. Do you believe he really is. One cant always blame someone for what he says in the heat of the moment. I wouldnt be surprised if you said similar things to him without realising it. That is what anger does.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

That is verbal abuse. Put your foot down and stand up for yourself. Walk away when he is treating you badly. You both could use counseling. Perhaps marriage counseling wouldn't hurt either. No one should treat you that way, ever. 

I'd try and find out what is really bugging your husband, especially if this is new behavior.

People who abuse others often say they are sorry, it will never happen again, I didn't mean to hurt you or it's all your fault, you made me act this way, how could you do/act this way torwards me. I've been there, my ex treated me terribly. It wasn't as bad as first, but it escalated. My ex never got help and he is worse then before, his normal tone is screaming. He's even gone as far as physical abuse to his current wife.

Do not take his negative words and believe in them. He will only tear you down more if you let him. It doesn't make it any better if he says he sorry. He's not sorry if he continues this behavior. You both need help. If he is an angry person, anger management might help. He's got to see there is a problem before he will seek help. He should never treat you this bad in the first place. 

Communicate with him. If he won't listen to you, your marriage will remain miserable. I've read sometimes when men act this way, they are having an affair, especially if they are picking fights and storming out of the house. My ex did this too, I found out he's a serial cheater. I'm not saying your husband is unfaithful, but I'd be suspicious, especially if this is new behavior.

Good luck! I hope you can get to the root of the problem and figure this out. If he's calling you names, telling you your worthless, anything along those lines, it's best to leave. Especially if there are children involved. They will pick up this behavior thinking it's okay. It's a vicious cycle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Firstly, at least he apologizes. That indicates that there's some hope that you guys can learn better conflict resolution skills and better communication skills. You guys should definitely get into marriage counseling.

Secondly, don't take everything he says to heart. People do and say horrible things when they are angry. Fair fighting has to be learned. After you have a fight and feel horrible about it, take stock of your positive qualities and traits. Make a list. Think about what elements of his words are true and which are not, about what's being left out of this conversation. If you're hurting, then something in there is bugging you. Figure out what it is and strengthen it so that he can't pick on that weakness anymore and so that you don't feel broken down by it. Build up your self-esteem by taking a step back and remembering what IS valuable about you. When he does this, be distant for a while so he learns to appreciate you; sounds like he's taking you for granted.

Now, if this is constant or if it becomes verbal and emotional abuse, then you have to do something about it before it worsens. There's a very blurry boundary between unfair fighting and abuse, so you have to see if it fits within a pattern of behavior or not. If you don't keep a journal, start one to record the events in your life so you can go back and reflect on them with more clarity later on. Make sure this is locked and password protected so it isn't found and you can freely write your thoughts. Anyway, the point is, if it's becoming abusive you need to do something before it worsens, so try and figure out if it is. My WH grew more and more like this through our marriage; I found out he was cheating a lot. You should investigate to see if this is going on in your situation, too, because you never know what's causing this kind of instability and often, cheating is a cause.

Good luck. No one should be made to feel crummy for no good reason. It's good that you're trying to resolve the problem instead of just taking it.


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## suesmith (Jan 5, 2012)

I understand exactly what you are going through. My husband does the same thing, and has for a very long time. Once the words are said, they are out there, he cant take them back. You can forgive him for saying them, but you never forget.  

In my case, it was easy to forgive and accept his apology. But after years and years of it, it starts to add up and gets harder to forgive and impossible to forget. 

This issue was a huge consideration in my recent decision to separate from him. Of course there were other issues as well, but this one is one of the biggest issues. 

If you can, get him to go to counseling with you. There is no reason you should have to put up with his verbal and emotional abuse. He needs help to change it, and you need help to deal with it. 

Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First, sit him down and tell him how it makes you feel when he does this.

Tell him you will not tolerate being spoken to in a harsh manner because it's disrespectful. It sounds like he is really hurting your feelings which is not ok. 

Suggest marriage counselling and tell him you mean business about how this is hurting your feelings, that it's having a detrimental effect on you and how you perceive your marriage. 

Get some individual counselling too to help you out with the low self-esteem. Get a hobby. Smile. Get sunlight. 

If you tell him all of this and he continues to do it, then decide if you want to stay in a marriage where you are constantly feeling hurt in.

Someone's siggy on here is "Words that are spoken can never be taken back." That is the freakin truth. As they say, a pen is much mightier than a sword.


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