# Don't know what to do - need help



## sad in texas (Nov 17, 2011)

I recently found this forum and it's at least somewhat comforting to know that others are going through similar experiences. I really don't have any place else to turn so I'm hoping the help/advice I get on here can help me through this ordeal.

I'm a 36 year old male that has been married for 8 years and have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I recently discovered my was having an EA. Like a lot of others, I would never have thought my wife would be capable of cheating on me. No one would believe it and no one even suspects that our marriage is on the verge of collapse.

I first discovered her EA about 2 months ago. She had apparently connected with one of her best friend's brother (he is single) on FB. To my knowledge they were friends and had IM'd and emailed each other on occasion in the past but it never led to anything. This time it was different. They sent messages back and forth on FB before he suggested texting. At the same time she insisted she had to upgrade to an unlimited texting plan because all her friends were texting her. I didn't think much of it at the time. Also, at about the same time they started talking on FB she had joined "boot camp" and began working out 6 days a week. She's lost some weight and is now probably in the best shape of her life.

After she upgraded to the unlimited texting plan, she added a password to her phone and started to become very distant towards me. She would snap at me and kids all the time even for insignificant things. Finally, I got the courage to check her texting records and her FB messages. Most of the texts were to a number in San Diego and I immediately knew who it was with since I knew he lived in SD and I had seen his name pop up on her phone as an incoming text. After confronting her she said nothing at first and then said it was due to a lack of attention from me and that I had only complimented her on her weight loss when I wanted sex. We agreed to spend more time together and that she would end with the texting. She says they did nothing more than text (no pics) and never saw each other since he lived in SD and traveled quite a lot (it seems) for work. This seemed like an easy fix since how hard could it be to stop texting someone when you love your husband and family.

This went well for about 3 weeks. We went out on "date nights" about once a week and we tried to spend more time with each other at night. Things seemed like they were getting better. A little over a month ago though, she started to drift away again. She would get agitated at me and the kids more often and her behavior was starting to change again. She would reject the attention I was trying to give her and even told her best friend that I was annoying her. 3 days ago I finally decided to check her emails and saw a sent email with a pic of her butt in panties to him. I couldn't believe it. The wife I knew would has never have taken a seductive pic of herself and would never have sent it someone else. She's never even sent me a dirty text. The email with the pic said "Can't wait to see you!!". My wife knew I had access to her email account so she had actually deleted all emails to and from him, but accidentally missed this one.

I confronted my wife and asked if she had talked to him recently. She of course denied it very angrily in a manner that she couldn't believe I was even questioning her and she said she had quit all texts and contact with him since we last spoke about it. When I kept on questioning her she admitted to some emails just checking up on each other since she just "disappeared". When I asked her about the pic she denied it again. I told her it was in her sent box. She ran upstairs to the computer to check and she saw it still sitting in her sent box.

We talked that night about it and I told her I couldn't believe what she had done. She said she couldn't believe what she had done either and doesn't even know why she did it. She said she knew it was wrong and never intended to hurt me. She agreed to cut contact with him again and she would talk to her doctor about getting counseling for herself and for us. I think that night though she finally told me the truth. She told me she didn't know what was going on with her. She didn't know why she was doing certain things. She didn't know if she was still in love with me. She said she just wasn't happy with her home life. She said didn't like any intimacy with me and that it just felt weird and that she felt like all I wanted was sex. We were barely having sex and she said she didn't know why she felt a hello kiss or hand holding or any contact with me felt like I just wanted sex. She knew rationally that wasn't what I was after but she said that's the way she felt. I'm guessing this is "the fog" that's talked about in here? She doesn't seem to know why she's unhappy at home, why she's having an EA, or how she feels about me, her husband of 8 years. We again agreed to work on things and she would ask her doctor tomorrow for someone she could get counseling from.

The next day morning (2 days ago) I googled some things and somehow discovered depression. She seemed to have a lot of the symptoms and I told her to ask her doctor about it. The doctor agreed and put her wellbutrin xl for mild depression. That night we talked again and I told her I loved her and wanted to be there to help her. I offered to sleep upstairs and give her some time to figure things out while we worked on things, but told her I was done if there was contact with the OM and the EA continued. She said she had cut off contact and would try to keep it that way. She said she couldn't make any promises since she doesn't understand why she went back the second time and doesn't understand why she's even doing it. She swears there was nothing more than that 1 pic and that they had talked about meeting but there was never anything set and when she said "I can't wait to see you!!" on the email. After reading the forums, I finally understand how this is an addiction. I honestly believe she knows it's bad for her to talk to him and that it's hurting me and the kids, yet she can't stop.

She accepted my offer of me sleeping upstairs that night. I told her I wasn't going to initiate anything with her since the attention she said she wanted from me was now apparently bothering her. I told her I was here to support her and would wait for her to be ready to see if we could ever be intimate again. I told her I really couldn't trust her anymore and missed more than anything the attention and intimacy she used to give me.

The next day (yesterday) she started on the wellbutrin and I noticed an immediate difference. She was very mellow and calm. She was great with the kids and didn't get mad at me or the kids all night. The little things that would have set her off before didn't seem to phase her. I slept upstairs since she didn't ask me to come back down and she clearly wasn't ready for any intimacy or physical contact with me.

This brings us to today. Thank you for reading and listening to my story. Typing everything out does make me feel a little better. I still feel terrible though as I felt like I lost my family, best friend and wife all at the same time. I get the feeling in my stomach that others have described when they have been cheated on. When my wife shows me any attention even if it's not affection I feel better. It still hurts though knowing that she's not in love with me and things may never be back to normal.

I'm not exactly sure what to do next. Should I just continue to leave my wife alone and only respond positively when she shows me any attention. This is what I told her I would do, but I want her to understand that I miss the old version of her.

Is the wellbutrin a good thing since it's calming her down? I thought it was a good thing until I read this post http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html which basically said that dopamine is a cause for the EA and I read elsewhere that wellbutrin works by increasing dopamine (or blocking less of it). Is the increase in dopamine going to make her go back to having the EA or is it going to make her fulfilled without having to go back to having an EA?

Is my wife ever going to want to be intimate with me again or am I always going to be someone she resents? How long should I wait for her to reach out to me and be intimate again? Will marriage counseling help or one of these marriage retreats I've seen online? marriage seminar marriage retreat marriage boot camp dr phil When should I just give up and how will I know when to?

How can I stop her addiction with the EA? I probably can't handle it if she starts again. Should I send the OM an email as suggested here? http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/10964-steps-stop-affair.html I don't know him that well but I have met him before and know his sister (one of my wife's best friends) and have met his parents on a few occasions.

Is it possible that my wife was depressed because she realized she didn't love me anymore and thus it led to the EA. If the wellbutrin fixes the depression will she just be satisfied that she doesn't love me and just start having the EA again?

I'm sorry for all the questions, but I'm really just not sure what to do or how long to wait. Any advice you guys can provide to any of the questions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again for listening.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She must send him a NC letter, and she must take off the password on her phone, as well as agree to not deleting any messages. You also shoud drop a keylogger on the computer.

You should consider taking away the texting plan.

As for her not wanting you, that is because she has been working herself up to be with the OM physically, her emotions desire all driven by brain chemistry are focused on the OM. Having sex with you is essentially cheating on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sad in texas (Nov 17, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> She must send him a NC letter, and she must take off the password on her phone, as well as agree to not deleting any messages. You also shoud drop a keylogger on the computer.
> 
> You should consider taking away the texting plan.
> 
> ...


she's emailed him twice that she will not have any contact with him now and has took off the password off her phone after the first talk. She does almost all of her contact with him through her phone so I don't think the keylogger will work. I can maybe get her to agree to the no deleting, but I would never know whether or not she was actually doing it.

I really hope she can stay away from contacting him. It sounds like if she's able to we can then have a chance of rebuilding and her resentment towards me will end.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

sad in texas said:


> she's emailed him twice that she will not have any contact with him now and has took off the password off her phone after the first talk. She does almost all of her contact with him through her phone so I don't think the keylogger will work. I can maybe get her to agree to the no deleting, but I would never know whether or not she was actually doing it.
> 
> I really hope she can stay away from contacting him. It sounds like if she's able to we can then have a chance of rebuilding and her resentment towards me will end.


Can't you get phone records to see what numbers she's calling? 

What has his sister said about all this?


----------



## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

What does she use for email? Hotmail? Yahoo? Something else?


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If your plan allows for it, kill the data portion of the plan. Even if you still have to pay for it, kill it. Then her phone can be used for text and calls only, which will appear on the bill.


----------



## sad in texas (Nov 17, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> What does she use for email? Hotmail? Yahoo? Something else?


she uses yahoo. She mainly uses it on her phone but will use it at her computer at work too.

There are so many ways of communicating between IMs, FB, texts, emails, and now imessage (on iOS 5), which don't even show up a text on the phone bill, that there's no way to track them all if they are careful about it.


----------



## sad in texas (Nov 17, 2011)

HerToo said:


> If your plan allows for it, kill the data portion of the plan. Even if you still have to pay for it, kill it. Then her phone can be used for text and calls only, which will appear on the bill.


I don't think you can kill the data portion on iphones to my knowledge.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Can't you get the info on an I-phone from the computer its been synched on?


----------



## sad in texas (Nov 17, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Can't you get phone records to see what numbers she's calling?
> 
> What has his sister said about all this?


I don't think they even call each other. I've never seen the number on the phone bill. She's too careful to let something that easy slip.

His sister doesn't know about it. The only other person that knows is her other best friend. She's a doctor and has tried to talk to her to see what's wrong and why but for the most time she just tries to support my wife since they are best friends.


----------



## sad in texas (Nov 17, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Can't you get the info on an I-phone from the computer its been synched on?


I don't think so. texts on the iphone are gone once they are deleted I think and I dont think they track imessages at all. Emails on yahoo are gone too once you delete them from the trash bin.


----------



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Activate MobileMe on the iphone. It's a free utility to track the location of the iphone in the event it gets lost, and other uses.

You can't kill a data plan on an iphone. It's required. Be sure that she does not install a free text app that allows for texting across the data link and not the cellular link.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

sad in texas said:


> I don't think so. texts on the iphone are gone once they are deleted I think and I dont think they track imessages at all. Emails on yahoo are gone too once you delete them from the trash bin.


Other posters have retreived texts from the computer although they have been deleted. Some of the threads show how to do this.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

There are keyloggers for certain types of smart phones. You will be able to see if she is still in contact with him and if she is deleting messages.
Mobile Phone Monitoring Software - Monitor Cell Phone Text Messages | Web Watcher Now and the good thing about web watcher is that you dont have to get on the phone it is installed on once you install it.

I dont know much about cell phone, but dont most of them have a sim card in them. If so then you can get a sim card reader and see deleted messages.. Don't quote me on this cuz i am not really sure about it.


----------



## sad in texas (Nov 17, 2011)

I think I found the program to recover texts, but does it even matter at this point? Do I really need to know what was said in those texts? I really want to move forward if it's even possible.

I can tell from the way she's acting if she's talking to him. I've already told her that if she continues to interact with him or if I even suspect it then I'm gone.

Can I improve our relationship without stalking her every move?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

She needs to send him a no contact e-mail.

You need to find out if he`s married or in a LTR and if he is inform his SO about the affair as this is the single best shot at stopping it cold.

You need to install some snooping measures to keep track of her activities.

The meds might be a good thing short term and I don`t know much specifically about Wellbutrin but many neural altering drugs are not good for intimacy.They essentially stunt your emotions...all emotions.

You can recover the texts themselves from the back-up sync files from an iphones syncing computer.Google it or someone else will be along with that information.
I followed the instruction on how to do it given by another poster here and was able to find my own texts from months back.
Check shamwows thread for the info.

As far as using "Find MY iPhone" in MobileMe it will find the location of the phone almost immediately.
The downside is she will know every time you check it because an email is sent to the Apple ID holders email address.
If you are the one with the Apple ID for your wifes phone then you`re in the clear as it will be sent to you.



> I can tell from the way she's acting if she's talking to him. I've already told her that if she continues to interact with him or if I even suspect it then I'm gone.


You think you can but you can`t. Don`t be naive.



> Can I improve our relationship without stalking her every move?


You don`t have a relationship until you KNOW she wants one with you.
You`ll never KNOW that until you verify it.


----------



## sad in texas (Nov 17, 2011)

The guy is single and she's sent the no contact email twice now. I'm not sure who initiated the contact the 2nd time around though, so it could have been her.


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

The No contact letter is a start. But the fact she promised to no longer contact him and broke that trust means that while she's under the fog and addiction, she has to be completely TRANSPARENT with you. She has to let go of her pride and ego and allow you to see her phone, computer, etc. whenever you want. She has to show you she wants to change and fix what is broken. One person doing all the work can never save the marriage. Believe me. Good luck from a fellow Texan in H-town.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The fact that she did not tell you anything more than you found out is concerning. Most likely there were other pics.



> I confronted my wife and asked if she had talked to him recently. She of course denied it very angrily in a manner that she couldn't believe I was even questioning her and she said she had quit all texts and contact with him since we last spoke about it. When I kept on questioning her she admitted to some emails just checking up on each other since she just "disappeared". When I asked her about the pic she denied it again. I told her it was in her sent box. She ran upstairs to the computer to check and she saw it still sitting in her sent box.


She was lying till the last possible minute means you cannot trust her in anyway for ever/quite sometime.The way she reacted is a big red flag.


That she cannot promise you that she will remain faithful is another concern. The first time , she blamed you. She is out of excused so she cannot promise you. 

You still supporting her entitlement after she put you through this crap will not give her any motivation to change. let her sleep upstairs/couch. She is the one that is at fault here. get her off from the pedestal you put her on

Looks like you will get burned. The signs don't look good. They did not have a PA just because of the distance. Have you thought about divorce?


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I would seriously think about looking at those previous text messages. It is important to find out what they were really talking about and how she was talking about you. The more information you have the better it is for you. You might be surprised on what you read. Hiding your head in the sand is a mistake. Find out if they set up plans to meet and so forth.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

And you can see if there are current texts that are being deleted to hide them. Many cheaters simply find other ways to stay in contact. Thats why you have to be very careful not to reveal sources. Secret email accts. Cheap throwaway phones etc.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get this book, and read it together, one chapter each night: His Needs Her Needs by Harley.

Go to his website (but avoid the forums, they are toxic) and print out two copies of the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires, the male and female versions. Both of you fill them out. Then give them to the other person. It will tell you how she's feeling and vice versa, and help you learn what to change about yourself so you fall in love again. You have to give her a reason to choose you at this point. 

Eliminating the Love Busters (things you do that annoy her) is critical; work on that first. No matter how many ENs you meet for her, it won't matter if you're still LBing her. 

Work on finding 10 to 15 hours each week to spend together, apart from kids/housework/chores time. Get a regular babysitter. Start new things together. Go to the gym with her. Sign up for a class. Plan a weekend getaway. She's missing the 'dating' part of y'all's lives. Put it back in and she'll fall back in love with you. 

Finally, get back in your bedroom. You do NOT want to be seen as the guy who creeps up to the spare bedroom like a lost kid. Women have to respect their men; show her strength. Sleeping in the same bed is critical, even if there's no SF going on right now.


----------



## sad in texas (Nov 17, 2011)

turnera said:


> Get this book, and read it together, one chapter each night: His Needs Her Needs by Harley.
> 
> Go to his website (but avoid the forums, they are toxic) and print out two copies of the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires, the male and female versions. Both of you fill them out. Then give them to the other person. It will tell you how she's feeling and vice versa, and help you learn what to change about yourself so you fall in love again. You have to give her a reason to choose you at this point.
> 
> ...


I'll see if she will agree to read the book with me. We're supposed to "talk" tonight anyways. For whatever reason, she was getting annoyed at everything I did or didn't do. She wouldn't tell me and I never even knew until recently how bad it was.

I do think the welbutrin has calmed down the anger. She hasn't yelled at me or the kids for a few days now, so at least that part of the relationship is better. Still absolutely no signs of any affection though. I think she's still trying to figure out how she feels about things and why they happened. I think she's still in "the fog" and I'm hoping that I can help her find the way out. Is there anything I can do in particular to help her get out?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sad in texas said:


> Is there anything I can do in particular to help her get out?


exposure helps but it spawns a negative reaction at first sometimes


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

speaking of which, have you told the OM's sister or is OM married?


----------



## sad in texas (Nov 17, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> speaking of which, have you told the OM's sister or is OM married?


The OM is single and I haven't told the OM's sister.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

sad in texas said:


> The OM is single and I haven't told the OM's sister.


Then tell his sister and if his parents are still alive tell them as well
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

She'll want you again the minute you stop wanting her.

Tough love works better than being nice, you can never "nice" them back. Being too nice to them makes them lose respect for you because you basically reward them for cheating on you.

No consequences. no motivation to change. 

If I were in your shoes, I'd give her a taste of what the consequences usually are in these cases (divorce). Reassuring her won't draw her back, the fear of losing you will. I would visibly research divorce and talk to a lawyer about your options. Also let her know that you don't know if you can get over her disrespect/betrayal and maybe it's best if you separate. This turns control of the situation to you, it's now YOUR decision if you stay married or not, not hers. Don't let your fear of D keep you from doing what you need to do. 

You'll find out real quick how she feels about you once you pull the rug out from under her and show her you don't need her anymore.

I tried the nice approach with my FWW twice only to get false Rs, it was only when I told her I wanted to "get this embarrassment of a marriage over with" did she realized I was gone for good. That's when she upped her game and it's been almost 3 years and we're still together. Today she knows if she even sneezes toward another guy all her stuff would be on the lawn and I wouldn't shed a tear. She now believes she needs me more than I need her and that's what keeps her around and interested.

Don't be afraid to pursue a divorce, having that as an option gives you power and right now you need to look strong in order to attract her back.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

turnera said:


> Get this book, and read it together, one chapter each night: His Needs Her Needs by Harley.
> 
> Go to his website (but avoid the forums, they are toxic) and print out two copies of the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires, the male and female versions. Both of you fill them out. Then give them to the other person. It will tell you how she's feeling and vice versa, and help you learn what to change about yourself so you fall in love again. You have to give her a reason to choose you at this point.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is the most important thing you can do.


----------

