# The AP's wife is crazy - not sure how to handle.



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I posted several weeks ago about my wife's PA with her best friends husband. It was so brutal that many thought I was wrong to try to reconcile. But never the less, I am attempting it. It's now been 11 months and though I still fight the demons, I couldn't ask my wife to do any more. So I think we've at least got a chance.

The AP here is the most heinous guy you can imagine. Retired cop. He insulted me and bragged about the sex in the e-mails I recovered. He told her to be patient, that he's would leave his wife when he was financially able. I'm telling you if any AP deserved to be exposed it's him. 

Here's the issue. His wife dislikes me, still wants to be friends with my wife and won't accept that this was anything other than an EA. This despite the 8 page letter I wrote her with all the details. I'm fairly sure she read the letter, but refused to read the 3700 emails I also collected. OK fine, she's a nut job living in fantasy land, I get it. 

However she kept communicating with my wife. Phone, text, emails. Mostly about common friends, her work and children, blah, blah, blah. Always the communication was initiated by her, not my wife. Regardless, I decided to ask my wife to tell her to stop. My wife told me she did. That was a few weeks ago and this nut case is still sending small talk e-mails, though my wife has not responded. 

After the last one I'd had enough. I basically sent her an e-mail response demanding that she stop. I'll admit I was sarcastic and couldn't help myself when I threw in a few of her husbands "greatest e-mail quotes" to my wife. I thought this might help her get the message. She replies back that she feels I should let my wife go, because I'm so dictatorial and emotionally abusive to her. She stated that both her husband and my wife told her that this was only an EA and they've gotten past it. She told me she was a grown woman and won't be told what to do by me. She accuses me of hacking her phone and computers and threatens to prosecute me if I have (lol).

So I told my wife to fire off an e-mail to her defending me and setting her straight about the affair. My wife begins the work on the e-mail, consulting me as she goes. It's late at night, so we agreed she would finish it the next day. But before then, the POS AP fires an e-mail back with a cease and desist order, threatening a harassment charge if either one of us contacts them again. He did admit he "regretted his actions" and said that he or his wife would not be contacting us again.

Question. Should I just drop it if she doesn't contact my wife again? Even if she doesn't, what other options do I have to expose this a-hole without violating a cease and desist?


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Leave it alone. You exposed it. You can EXPLAIN it to her, but you cannot UNDERSTAND it for her. 

Go NC with the both of them. I'm sorry you don't get the last word, but the engaging is toxic for everyone. 

You didn't ask, but why would you reconcile with someone who could sleep with her BEST FRIEND's husband? 

I don't think the problem is the poor deluded BW (she's probably in some bargaining grief spiral) -- I think it's your WW and the OM. You shouldn't have to ask her to defend you. She should be apologizing to the BW and telling her the TRUTH. I think all the calls and letters were that woman wanting to hear it from HER not YOU. 

That didn't happen, huh? So that tells me your WW would like to keep the door open. I'm sorry.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Set up something with your own lawyer demanding they leave you alone. You should have done this long ago if you really wanted them out of your lives. 

Then worry about step 2 if they break the non-contact agreement. Did you expose to his job? Cheaterville is another option. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You think that you can explain things properly to an irrational person? Good luck with that.

Since you don't want either of them in your life any more, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Stop talking to them and they'll stop talking to you. Win, win.

If you just really, really, want to prove you're right, then you could have your wife call her on the phone and explain, in great detail, exactly what they did. However, an irrational person might believe that you were holding a gun to your wife's head, or that you have a science-fiction voice imitating device, or something equally stupid.

I say, let it go.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

You gave her all the information. Game is over. Now it is time to work on your marriage if it is possible.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have your wife send the note where she admits the affair. Then go dark.

The cease and desist is a total joke.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Honestly, I would block all of their email addresses, phone numbers, etc. from both your and your wife's computers/phones/accounts. Failing that, you both need to change your email addresses and phone numbers. 

You can't fix crazy. It's not even your job to try. Just do what it takes to make it so that neither OM nor OMW can contact either of you. Problem solved.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I think the advice to let sleeping dogs lie is probably the right course, though it's hard not to want to make this POS suffer. Thanks to everyone that replied.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

it isn't your job to get the delusional wife to accept her husband's affair.let it all go and take legal steps to make sure neither of those crazy people can contact you or your wife EVER AGAIN.


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## Doc Who (Sep 9, 2012)

Badmemory

Simple answer - YOU file for a real cease and desist order (consult a lawyer), not just a threatened one. Make sure it names the BW and OM regarding any and all communications. Have them publicly served if possible.

Then let this go. She is living in her fantasy land, thinking it was all your fault. Because he super awesome WH could never have screwed your wife.

You cannot argue with crazy.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

For some reason I do not feel that the crazy cop and his wife is going to let this go. You are going to cross paths one day in public and it may not go so well.

I would get a real restraining order or cease and desist order (whatever they are called) and be done with it.

Move on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The onus is on your wife here. Your wife should block any and all contact from this woman out of respect for her, her marriage, and for you and your marriage. 

Don't respond to the OM's wife again. Block her from being able to contact you.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

is anyone else a little creeped out by the AP wife making OP the enemy of his own wife? 

feels a little "three musketeers" to me for some reason.How odd it is that the AP wife should want to coddle and jump on the defense for the very woman who had an EA/PA with her husband.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

His email threatening a harassment suit is probably enough to cause you problems if you contact them yourselves. I would not email or call them.

It may be well worth consulting an attorney to protect yourselves in the event they escalate. You never know what crazy wife will do, or what her husband may do.

If you do talk to an attorney about filing an official restraining order, I would ask about putting in there that he pursued a sexual affair with your wife.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

badmemory said:


> I posted several weeks ago about my wife's PA with her best friends husband. It was so brutal that many thought I was wrong to try to reconcile. But never the less, I am attempting it. It's now been 11 months and though I still fight the demons, I couldn't ask my wife to do any more. So I think we've at least got a chance.
> 
> The AP here is the most heinous guy you can imagine. Retired cop. He insulted me and bragged about the sex in the e-mails I recovered. He told her to be patient, that he's would leave his wife when he was financially able. I'm telling you if any AP deserved to be exposed it's him.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't be surprised if it really is not he ap wife causing all of this. I would say that this woman is highly codependent with her husband. Therefore swept everything under the rug and believed every word her POSH told her. You can't fix everyone and I would not be surprised if the POSOM was sending some of those emails. Your wife needs to cut all ties with the OW. The only other excuse I could have for her behavior is if the OMW was somehow involved in the A. Like maybe there was a three way or something like that. Remember this any human on the face of the earth. Anyone of them are capable of doing anything. No matter their appearance, moral standard, or mental stability.

I would go back through the emails and see what the OMW was communicating with your wife during the events of the EA/PA.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

You wrote"*So I told my wife to fire off an e-mail to her defending me* and setting her straight about the affair. _My wife begins the work on the e-mail _*consulting me as she goes. *


This would bother me more then a nutty MOW
Compunded that your ,wife let thoose email'keep coming

Why did she not ,shut the emeil downby her self? 

I wish u the best


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

You have two choices and only two choices.

Escalate by having an attorney serve him a cease and desist order IN FRONT OF HIS SUPERVISOR AND PBA REP so he knows they know exactly what kind of scumbag he is and so he will be watched. Now, the Blue Shield may hold...or the men involved may leave him dangling in the wind for his extracurricular activities. After all, it has nothing to do with his duties as an officer. And if the OM decides to have his buddies to mess with you, it puts the supervisor on notice. (If you live in Dallas, LA, or New Orleans DO NOT use this advice!)

Second: Move. There is too much baggage here. You can't make the OMW sane, sedate or forgetful. You can't make the OM to be NOT an entitled Alpha A$$. Your wife has to give up her friends, her job, her hobbies? Tough Sh*t! If she hadn't been playing cowgirl, this rodeo never would have started.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JCD said:


> You have two choices and only two choices.
> 
> Escalate by having an attorney serve him a cease and desist order IN FRONT OF HIS SUPERVISOR AND PBA REP so he knows they know exactly what kind of scumbag he is and so he will be watched. Now, the Blue Shield may hold...or the men involved may leave him dangling in the wind for his extracurricular activities. After all, it has nothing to do with his duties as an officer. And if the OM decides to have his buddies to mess with you, it puts the supervisor on notice. (If you live in Dallas, LA, or New Orleans DO NOT use this advice!)
> 
> Second: Move. There is too much baggage here. You can't make the OMW sane, sedate or forgetful. You can't make the OM to be NOT an entitled Alpha A$$. Your wife has to give up her friends, her job, her hobbies? Tough Sh*t! If she hadn't been playing cowgirl, this rodeo never would have started.


He doesn't have a supervisor. He is retired.

Was he 'retired' early I wonder? If so, why?

OP get lawyered up. Quickly.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Best way to handle crazy people is to not to.

you exposed, it is no longer your problem.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Seems very strange that the OMs wife would want to stay friends with your wife....something doesn't sit right here. Sounds like she may have a fatal attraction towards your wife...could she have been involved? She could just be unstable given the circumstances, but the last thing I would want to do with my WS's AP is to be best buds...choking, beating, running over with car - those all sound more reasonable that chatting on facebook. Get the real scoop from your wife and then a restraining order.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Things people do not to be lonely.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Or the OM's wife is following "'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer"

Just drop it and keep your eyes and ears open, she sounds bat**** crazy!


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

The OMW thinks it was an EA. When in fact it was a PA.

OMW believed the OM lies.

Why?

Because the WW lied to her friend/OMW to back up the OM's lies.

This WW needs to tell the the OMW the truth.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

badmemory said:


> I posted several weeks ago about my wife's PA with her best friends husband. It was so brutal that many thought I was wrong to try to reconcile. But never the less, I am attempting it. It's now been 11 months and though I still fight the demons, I couldn't ask my wife to do any more. So I think we've at least got a chance.
> 
> The AP here is the most heinous guy you can imagine. Retired cop. He insulted me and bragged about the sex in the e-mails I recovered. He told her to be patient, that he's would leave his wife when he was financially able. I'm telling you if any AP deserved to be exposed it's him.
> 
> ...


No official court order is relayed by email.

I'm sure it may have looked official but if it was not deleiverd by registered mail or in person by a process server or a police officer then it is garbage - a fake.

But if he and his wife leaves you alone - then that is what you want - right? You get what you want so you really don't have to take it further.

Or are you just pissed that his wife doesn't believe you?

If you want something to worry about, how about the claim that "he and your wife said it was just an EA and they are over it".

Did your wife say this to OMW and when was it said?


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Let it go. Work on your marriage. Be thankful that they filed the cease and desist order. They sound a little unbalanced.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

badmemory said:


> I posted several weeks ago about *my wife's PA* with her best friends husband. It was so brutal that many thought I was wrong to try to reconcile. But never the less, I am attempting it. It's now been 11 months and though I still fight the demons, *I couldn't ask my wife to do any more.* So I think we've at least got a chance.
> 
> The AP here is the most heinous guy you can imagine. Retired cop. He insulted me and bragged about the sex in the e-mails I recovered. He told her to be patient, that he's would leave his wife when he was financially able. I'm telling you if any AP deserved to be exposed it's him.
> 
> ...


I'm nervous about how the three bits I've bolded coexist.

Certainly you should let go of trying to convince the AP's wife, but you should make sure your wife is playing straight with you.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Update to my crazy AP's wife story - if anybody is still interested after all these weeks. Crazy AP's wife once again contacted my wife by text: 

Crazy AP's wife" - "Are you OK, I know "my name" will know I sent this".

My wife - "I'm fine. Stop contacting me"

Crazy AP's wife" - OK. I miss my friend"


Well that's what I was waiting for. This was the opening we needed for my wife to shoot the return e-mail back to her - despite the Cease and Desist threat from AP.

Here's an abridged version of what my wife e-mailed her:

_"In response to your text of <date>, I was shocked to receive a text message from you after we received a Cease and Desist e-mail from the two of you on <date> that also included that neither of you will contact either of us again. Let me remind you that it is you that is breaking this no contact agreement.

I asked you to stop communication with me and you continued, so you were asked again by my husband. We are working hard on our marriage and I have chosen to withdraw from past relationships that negatively effect us, toward that end.

While I appreciate your astonishing forgiveness, it's time for you to move on. I have divulged all the details of the affair to my husband, but I doubt yours has been as honest with you. I can't decide if you are in total denial, or whether he can get you to believe anything despite the facts, or if you are actually that forgiving. 

Regardless, let me clear up the facts. My husband needs to know that I told you the truth. I had a long 4 hour conversation with you, provided you a letter from my husband and a flash drive full of e-mails from your husband to me, that exposed everything. Don't try to act like I didn't give it to you. I see your denial as an attempt to destroy my marriage and I'm willing to fight to protect that. My husband also provided you with direct quotes from your husband that show how crude he is and how he feels about you. The relationship was sexual as well as emotional and I regret it tremendously. 

How dare you you insult my husband after what I put him through. He has been kind enough to give us another chance and I will not let you interfere with that. I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make up for what I did to him. You need to take a closer look at your own husband's behavior before you find fault in someone else. Your husband makes mine look like a Saint. To be honest, it's obvious that your husband has no interest in your marriage.

Do not make contact with me again. I'm blocking your e-mail address and phone numbers."
_

I'll remind everyone again, that the only reason I allowed my wife to deliver this information to the AP's wife three months ago, is because she would have absolutely refused to accept it from me. Such as the POSOM has brainwashed her.

After discussing this with my wife, I have now finally come to believe that this woman has a co-dependency with her and needs psychiatric help, because it's hard to believe anyone could be that stupid.

Anyway, one other thing to help my healing process.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

badmemory said:


> but then he fires off cease and desist order, threatening a harassment charge if either one of us contacts them again. He did admit he "regretted his actions" and said that he or his wife would not be contacting us again.
> 
> Question. Should I just drop it if she doesn't contact my wife again? Even if she doesn't, what other options do I have to expose this a-hole without violating a cease and desist?


Let this lie as others have said. If you have been warned by the other people to not make contact again, contacting them again is indeed harassment. 

It is good advice to have your attorney send both the AP and his wife a no contact letter regarding both you and your wife. If she contact your wife again, then she is harassing you.

Send the no contact letter and drop it. The Affair partner's wife may be in shock and denial, that may change later.

You want closure by seeing the other man's marriage destroyed as yours has been. You feel if she doesn't believe you the OM got off scott free. He hasn't. This will catch up with him. Shock and denial does not last forever. Then she will get angry that he fooled her into believing it was just an emotional thing.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> You want closure by seeing the other man's marriage destroyed as yours has been. You feel if she doesn't believe you the OM got off scott free. He hasn't. This will catch up with him. Shock and denial does not last forever. Then she will get angry that he fooled her into believing it was just an emotional thing.


Guilty as charged sir. I hope you're right.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

A number of people suggested contacting a lawyer and drawing up a "real" leave me alone document. If you would have done that, her actions would have been the ammo to kick her ass legally. So how serious are you about getting her out of your hair?

Why wasn't her number blocked? Or did she use a new one?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Guilty as charged sir. I hope you're right.


You are not guilty of anything other than being human. Your feelings are totally normal.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I usually say nobody deserves to be cheated on. I'm opening an exception here. That woman deserves to get whatever is coming her way. You owe her nothing OP. You did what you had to do.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

PBear said:


> A number of people suggested contacting a lawyer and drawing up a "real" leave me alone document. If you would have done that, her actions would have been the ammo to kick her ass legally. So how serious are you about getting her out of your hair?
> 
> Why wasn't her number blocked? Or did she use a new one?
> 
> ...


My guess, and I was right, was that she would try to contact my wife again. Thus opening the door for my wife to get that response in. That's why my wife didn't delete her numbers until now.

Hopefully this will be the end of it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

And this not the end. She's so deluded she won't vanish.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Falene said:


> For some reason I do not feel that the crazy cop and his wife is going to let this go. You are going to cross paths one day in public and it may not go so well.
> 
> I would get a real restraining order or cease and desist order (whatever they are called) and be done with it.
> 
> Move on.


Can you say reverse bunny boiler?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i just read your entire story-- WOW!

i would really like to shake your hand because you're some kind of man. i mean, _to even ponder_ reconciliation with this woman is truly amazing.....after everything she's put you through. 

then to have to deal with such a remorseless POS OM, who not only bragged about emasculating you, but to entice your wife into a threesome.....HOLY SH1t!!! this woman should be put out on the street. 

add to that the bat-sh1t crazy OBS..... you're more of a man than i will ever be, in matters of forgiveness


i really have a problem with _you _having to ask your wife to "come up to bat for you." Nothing about the actions _after the fact _(meaning exposure) come from her.....they come from you, and she's compelled to oblige. this should be of her own volition-- _without having to be asked to do it._ that there tells you she has a tremendous amount of work to do here. not even close to being forgiven, in my book. 

sorry to say, but your marriage will NEVER be the same given the betrayal here. she actually let this POS know your most intimate thoughts and feelings and let him tear you to shreds when bragging about his conquest at your expense. 


i'm sitting here in total astonishment at the callousness of it all. what if you hadn't stumbled onto these communications. who knows how long this could've gone on. 

i seriously believe your wife is only sorry she got caught.


WOW....just.....WOW!


good luck. you're gonna need it, partner.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> i just read your entire story-- WOW!
> 
> i would really like to shake your hand because you're some kind of man. i mean, _to even ponder_ reconciliation with this woman is truly amazing.....after everything she's put you through.
> 
> ...


Props to the OP if he can reclaim this marriage and have and derive joy from it. I could have never done this if I was in his shoes. I would have divorced and not look back. 

OP I hope your wife is giving up to you everything she ever did with the OM - except for the threesome. At a minimum, you deserve it.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

badmemory said:


> My guess, and I was right, was that she would try to contact my wife again. Thus opening the door for my wife to get that response in. That's why my wife didn't delete her numbers until now.
> 
> Hopefully this will be the end of it.


I apologized to the OM and felt guilt and ashamed about the affair. The last thing on my mind was threatening the poor chap. I also broke off the affair immediately, even though his wife continued to attempt to make contact. 

If this guy hasn't apologized to you, he sounds warped. Avoid him. He could be dangerous emotionally or physically.


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