# Wife cheated and signs came again so I reacted



## rviewmirror (Mar 23, 2012)

Hi all.

My first post here and but I've read quite a few of your stories, perhaps you guys can help me through mine..here it goes.

Wife and I have been married 8 years and were together for 15 since highschool. We are/were very close, best friends, and did almost everything together. so this is painful.

She had a 1 month affair 2 years ago with a married man (went far but never that I found out to intercourse). We managed to get past that, and likely only because I did not want to face that it could end our marriage and break up our family (we had a one year old at that time). she ran back to me then when I found out about it.

About a month ago, I started seeing the old signs that I noticed before - she had new interests that overoccupied her and she separated herself physically. I confronted her on that and she said she was feeling distant from me. At that time, my alarms went off. Later that week I found out she snuck out to go meet a co-worker for coffee (she said she was going to the gym and got the full gym get up on and went out). Went I asked her about it when she admitted she went there to meet instead of the gym, but only to talk as he is helping her through our issues. 

That was the breaking point for me. My trust in her fell completely and it ate me up over the next week. She said she wanted space and started going out a couple of weekends in a row with girlfriends. One weekday when I got fed up (she had just told me she made plans to go out that friday night with a friend) I had her meet me for lunch and flat out asked if she wanted to be my wife. She said she didn't know. As soon as I heard that I walked out (mad as hell) and told her I was not coming home for a few days. I did make it home on a morning 2 days later to pick up some clothes and I found an email exchange from the co-worker (timed at 11:30 at night the week when she snuck out to meet him) with a songlist - mainly of love lyrics and feeling entrapped. That angered me more, I called her and since then things have moved crazy fast now we're progressing with separation steps (and she has accepted it and not crawled back -I somewhat maybe thought she would in a way).

Complicating things, we had a new house we were buying closing very soon and had already sold our existing house. So we must keep communication to make sure everything works well - Primarily for our daughter who is now 3 - but also so the house financial and all that works out. I'm taking care of that.

I should say - this move was very out of character for me (but i convinced myself this sort of thing would not slap me in the face again so I guess I was a changed person). In the past I would get angry and get over it in a matter of time. She had an EA with someone I knew through sports (no longer friends) even before that like 5 years ago - but that ended.

Weird thing is i really do think we were happy just 2 months ago. We were enjoying sex and everything, so its not like that had stopped. physical side was fine.

It just feels like the hammer dropped very quickly and we are already moving on. Strange thing is we are talking daily - but at different level - moreso about how we can best take care of our daughter and finances.

aaaaaahhhh...i'm as angry as i've ever been, but that is fading and now feeling a bit lonely. my friends and family are being great, just a rough time right now.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

How many stories of infidelity are we going to see here? OMG!

Dear RViewMirror, I am sorry you are here. Most of us have been there. 

She is a cheater.
It sucks. Badly. 

See the newbies links.

Take care of yourself first. We feel for you.
Poor man.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposé her cheating. Dude, it's more then likely gone PA since she is seeking out at night, and on weekends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yeah she is a total serial cheater. And she will be back. The question is, what will you do then? Dump her, 180, do not buy the house. You sold your house, get an apartment. Separate all finances. Give her no money. 50/50 custody. She needs to live a single mothers life. You took her back once. She has no respect for you, so respect yourself. Remember 180 and separate finances.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

She's a serial cheater and you habitually rug sweep.

Divorce


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Remove your name from any joint credit cards NOW
Get tested for STDs (she's been screwing others for quite some time now)
You may want to consider a DNA test for your daughter. There's a chance she might not be yurs
talk to a lawyer ASAP to find out what your rights are
Look up the 180 here and implement it now!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

How much easier could you make it for her?

Geeeeez.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Toffer said:


> Remove your name from any joint credit cards NOW
> Get tested for STDs (she's been screwing others for quite some time now)
> You may want to consider a DNA test for your daughter. There's a chance she might not be yurs
> talk to a lawyer ASAP to find out what your rights are
> Look up the 180 here and implement it now!


I must admit I thought the same thing. A DNA test would be advisable.


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## Shwagulous (Mar 12, 2012)

RVIEWMIRROR,

You have a very lucky window of opportunity here. Most times when this happens there is always a huge issue with what to do with the house, expenses, etc. You are liquid at this point. You need to WAKE UP dude! The wife you married died a long time ago, and the snake that was so happily sleeping with you 2 months ago, is destroying you! Me thinks she was only your sex kitten during that time because a shiny new house was in her near future. Once that deal seemed locked in, away she goes for her next adventure. DO NOT BE HER DOORMAT!! It pains me to see the lack of self respect you have. I know it is hard to do in the hell that you are in, but look at your situation with just a little logic, and you will see that you absolutely can not buy the house, and that now is the best and only time to cut loose of this viper. If you cave in, and get this house, then you sir will shred any last ounce of respect she has for you if she even has any at this point. Women who disrespect their men to this degree will NEVER remain faithful. You are fighting a war with an unwinable (not sure that is word, HA) strategy. You must exercise the nuclear option here a-la DIVORCE!


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I agree w/ the other posters. Your initial reaction was correct. Time to go.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Three affairs in eight years. That you know of.

She gave you up pretty easily. She didn't have to give it much thought. She doesn't seem very bothered about losing you. 

She probably had sex with this guy prior to your confrontation and decision to leave. What makes you think your wife and other man did not have sex?

Consider exposing her affair to your families. You have a child and you will have to see them at family functions in the future. She will tell them lies about why you're divorcing, painting herself as unable to go on any longer with all of your terrible faults. It will be better for you in the future if they know the truth and that you are not the bad guy in all of this.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

_Weird thing is i really do think *we were happy just 2 months ago*. We were enjoying sex and everything, so its not like that had stopped. physical side was fine._

You were happy and thought she was, too, but you can't know for sure. Same with enjoying sex. Given how quickly she quit on your marriage, even with a young child, she was not feeling it like you were two months ago.

For many women, the emotional aspect outweighs the physical. They want the feeling of being "in love," what most men would consider "infatuation," and they also want the attention that comes with being "courted" by the other man. Both things they probably are not getting from their husbands. In these cases, the wife usually gives the husband the "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you" talk.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

You haven't closed on the house yet.

One thought (consult with your real estate attorney) is to back out of the contract and pay whatever it takes to get the seller off your back.

Accept reality. She's been cheating on you for a long time with a lot of guys. Your denial runs strong.

You made it a lot easier for her to continue her latest affair by getting mad and leaving. You also weaken your position when it comes to divorce, I suggest get your ass home and don't leave again until you've got a legal separation agreement in place that clearly outlines all the important issues in your upcoming divorce.

It's OVER.

Act like it is and do what needs to be done rather than getting all mad and running around in a huff as if that's going to make a bit of difference. 



Back out of the contract and


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## Italian_Mami31 (Mar 20, 2012)

I can understand that the first time she slip up, but when it continues their is a problem. U need sit down with her and ask her what does she want. Apparently being married to you isnt the option. I am going through the similar thing and never expected that my husband of all years would cheat on me. I agree with the other poster make her realize what it's like to be a single parent.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You haven't forced reality on her---except that you left the house---which is a mistake

In a court battle you leaving could be taken for ABANDONMENT---so get back home now

Do not buy the new house, as has already been suggested---live in the old, sold house as long as you can---When the money comes in from the sale of the house, put it in an escrow acct. to be split up after your D. Do not let her get at it, under any circumstances.

Meanwhile---tell her she is now responsible for half of all bills, car payments, all insurances, take her off your medical---she needs to pay utilities, till you are out of the house---and cancel each and every credit card with her name on it--but tell her she needs to pay her half of the balances

Give her a REAL DOSE OF REALITY---she has never been exposed to any reality with her lovers---they live at DISNEYLAND

She can keep her paycheck, and she can support herself, and pay her half of the bills from her check---if she doesn't make enuff, tell her to get another job-------You need to be BRUTALLY HARSH, and as I said before---give her a very large dose of reality.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> _Weird thing is i really do think *we were happy just 2 months ago*. We were enjoying sex and everything, so its not like that had stopped. physical side was fine._
> 
> You were happy and thought she was, too, but you can't know for sure. Same with enjoying sex. Given how quickly she quit on your marriage, even with a young child, she was not feeling it like you were two months ago.
> 
> For many women, the emotional aspect outweighs the physical. They want the feeling of being "in love," what most men would consider "infatuation," and they also want the attention that comes with being "courted" by the other man. Both things they probably are not getting from their husbands. In these cases, the wife usually gives the husband the "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you" talk.


My thoughts exactly. I believe she's seeking out these affairs to get that feeling of infatuation she won't get from being with Rviewmirrow, since she would have to take responsibility to be faithful and deal with the guilt that comes from cheating. She may deal these things later once she's forced to see she's losing everything for a string of affairs, but not now. 

She's most likely been having affairs off and on for a while and it was the moving into the house that was the last straw for her. It could of been the change into motherhood that started the process or the stress from starting a family and sex taking a back seat, but this has to stop. You have to stop enabling her to cheat as she pleases.

The first thing you need to do is get all your affairs in order just incase you are forced to divorce her including an STD test, and a paternity test. Then confront her about her affairs without getting angry or blowing up at her. You're just showing her you're not going to put up with her at this point and not going to give her ammunition in a fight. You can expect tears of guilt at this point, stonewalling, contempt, and criticism towards you to protect herself but this is all just to prevent her from taking responsibilities. 

Truth is she won't stop cheating unless she is faced with losing everything first and I think this time you need to be a lot harder on her about reconciling if at all possible. You've gone above and beyond what a husband should putting up with her affairs over the years and loving her despit what she has done, so I don't want to advocate divorce as the first option. 

You have to ask yourself if you want to overlook the good times you had and kick her to the curb or are you strong enough to deal with this and help her out. Go through years of therapy together and try to figure out how you can best cope as a couple. I can understand if you don't, many people wouldn't put themselves in that position. 

My thoughts about it are... you can wait for her to get it out of her system by going through divorce and building contempt for each other or you can try taking her out on the dates she would have had with these other men. Do the 180 and don't chase her at this time, but give her exactly what she's looking for knowing all full well that she's still seeing the OM while being with you. If these are just infatuation relationships you stand a chance at winning her over because these men won't want to compete with you once jealousy rears it's ugly head. A successful 180 would have her cancelling dates left and right with these men to be with you and your daughter. I might also add that if you can put up with her for long enough these affairs will end on their own. You have a lot of other options to play with later on months down the road. I'll send you book


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## SOA1980 (Mar 24, 2012)

Well first thing is you have to be completely honest with your husband. Were there any other affairs, how many times did you have sex with the affair he knew of. These are things you have to know, he will eventually find out.


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## rviewmirror (Mar 23, 2012)

Wow. Just Wow. I really appreciate all the responses. and I am taking them all with a reality check.

I am a different person and have acted in a way that reality has set in with her - I have divided the estate and had not thought about holding anything in escrow but really just parting on - we are in Canada and I know the laws - I'm fairly educated and have already received advise from a lawyer. 

Yes, she seeks infatuation that I guess I could not give her. I know that. I don't know why I coped with those in the past, many of you from the sounds of it would not have. this time I did not and it took all that time for me to gain self respect. I guess it was tough for me to accept it whatever. I don't know anyone divorced nor is anyone in my large family divorced - I guess they "work through things".

Maybe I'm naive, but I don't think she has ever had sex with any of her other infatuations as we have had long discussions about each and every one of them, but I do know she is a person that cheats that will not change. I am changed now and know that.

Our child looks a lot like me so not really worried about that. And I care about the kid tremendously so its not like I'm giving up any of that. I know the rules around this and what i can or can not be held financially responsible for.

I am changed and my future is now cloudy with uncertainties for a lot of things. I have really never experienced single life and never thought I would at this point of my life. I guess I have a lot to learn.....


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What is your wife saying now about yet another affair?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Has she ever gotten any kind of counseling? Anyone could explain her infatuation problem.


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## rviewmirror (Mar 23, 2012)

My reaction and the timing has brought a different side.

I've exposed it to my family and she does not want contact with them. There is A LOT of guilt and moreso she senses what she has just lost. She was very close with my family (larger than hers) as she is an only child and does not have a great relationship with her parents.

I've mentioned her repeated need for this and her few words have told me that she knows she won't change. That has helped me realize what I need to do and move on as hard as it is.

Not a hesitation, but difficulty i'm dealing with is the loneliness. After so many years that is scary. My child helps me a lot when they are with me, it lessens that pain for sure. and family and friends are being very supportive. I'm reaching out trying to help myself for sure.


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## rviewmirror (Mar 23, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Has she ever gotten any kind of counseling? Anyone could explain her infatuation problem.


She has but for a different problem. Her depression/anxiety a long time ago - say 10 years ago.

That has gotten better.

I raised the need for us to go to marriage counselling and she said no. She said it raised huge anxiety with her and it might lead to the end of us. well you know what - her not doing it was also realization that she didn't want to work on it or scared of something - so it too caused an "end to us".

Its a crazy situation.......


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

It is difficult for me to accept that she had one EA after another and none of them ever went physical. Her going off for the weekends would be the clincher for me that she is meeting OM for sex. But that does not matter any longer. Her refusal to marriage counseling means, as you said, she does not want a marriage with you.

It is great that you have family to support you. Use them. I suspect some day soon she may snap out of her fog when reality finally hits and come begging for another chance. Just remember that she has no respect for you, no love for you and only wants her safe home base back until the next affair.

Do not fear loneliness, that will fade over time when you begin to heal and are able to go out and meet some new friend of the female type. One word of caution - take it slow, let yourself process and heal from all this woman has done to you.

Good luck. You will be OK and better off without her and her endless drama.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

How many times have we read here where the WS claims to have only had an EA, the BS believes them, then it turns out to be much, much worse?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

rviewmirror said:


> Hi all.
> 
> My first post here and but I've read quite a few of your stories, perhaps you guys can help me through mine..here it goes.
> 
> ...


Do not close on that house. Your wife is dating another man and very likely having sex with him already. Cut your losses and be prepared for a life apart from her.

She has likely had sex with several men during your marriage. It is absurd to think not. You only caught a few. You should make sure that the child is yours with a DNA test. But whether or not she has allowed another man to penetrate her is besides the point. She is not your wife. She is interested in other men. She lies and is unfaithful to you continuously. Let her go. But seriously she is having sex and has with other men. men will not invest this much ina woman without it unless they are married to them.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> It is difficult for me to accept that she had one EA after another and none of them ever went physical. Her going off for the weekends would be the clincher for me that she is meeting OM for sex. But that does not matter any longer. Her refusal to marriage counseling means, as you said, she does not want a marriage with you.
> 
> It is great that you have family to support you. Use them. I suspect some day soon she may snap out of her fog when reality finally hits and come begging for another chance. Just remember that she has no respect for you, no love for you and only wants her safe home base back until the next affair.
> 
> ...


An EA with lots of GNOs. Sounds like a lot more for sure.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I think it goes kinda like this.

Just met for lunch and talked.
Just met for dinner and talked half the night.
Just held hands.
Only kissed on occasion.
Yeah, slept in the same house but she was on the couch.
Got the motel room so they could talk in private because she knew she would cry.
OK - spent the night in the same room, in the same bed, but only kissed and cuddled.
OK -only slept together one time and she really didn't mean to do it. One thing just led to another. Oh yeah - she was drunk.
Finally they have been having sex for several years but it is all the fault of her husband because he did not fulfill her "needs".

Total BS and some guys can't wait to accept this. Amazing.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Serial cheaters like this one, are addicted to the thrill of the chase. They prefer to seek validation from someone other than their spouse. So what happens at the end of the chase? You know what happens. Then its time to flirt with someone else and have the chase start all over again.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Serial cheaters like this one, are addicted to the thrill of the chase. They prefer to seek validation from someone other than their spouse. So what happens at the end of the chase? You know what happens. Then its time to flirt with someone else and have the chase start all over again.


Sounds like a dog that chases cars. When they finally catch one they're in for a rude awakening.


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## rviewmirror (Mar 23, 2012)

Ugh .... angry at myself for not ending it sooner. now there is so much more involved with a kid and all the other headache and just older now (i guess wiser..ha)


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

File for D and let ou loan officer know. The loan won't go through andyou will be out of the house if this is a typical contract. Count yourself lucky to be out of it and RUN from this sick woman. I'm sorry your are here......


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

rearview,

LordMH says it right... Serial cheaters like this one, are addicted to the thrill of the chase. They prefer to seek validation from someone other than their spouse. So what happens at the end of the chase? You know what happens. Then its time to flirt with someone else and have the chase start all over again. 

When I caught my wife, I found out that she had been a serial cheater for years. I asked her why keep doing it? She admitted that she had become Addicted to the Attention. She even convinced herself that it didn't hurt anyone because no one else knew.


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