# Do I give him the opportunity to cheat?



## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

Okay, so from another thread you may know my situation. What's really relevant here is that this weekend is when my husband and the OW had planned to meet and be together for the first time. (He will be camping out of town.)

So now that I busted him, he 'gave up' the OW, he still plans to go on this trip. 

I'm concerned to let him go alone, for obvious reasons. But I don't want to tag along with him because I'm trying to reestablish some trust here. Stupid?

Do I go or not?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It's Wednesday, that's plenty of time to pack your gear. He wanted female company and your the only female he should have as a companion. Make your claim on him. Go.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes it's stupid to let him go alone.

Do not rush trust and do not blindly give it. Make him work to earn it, but that comes later.

Right now you need to stake your claim.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

He's still planning to go? Are you really sure he plans to go alone? From experience with my estranged husband, I would say he's just telling you what you want to hear. His plans could still be the same. It's way too soon to trust him to be faithful. 

You can try to go along with him. If he is planning to meet the OW there, be prepared for a tantrum. Then, when you don't relent, watch him decide to stay home. It's priceless to spoil a date!


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ummmm no. Either you go with him or he doesn't go at all. He's the one who screwed up here. That should be obvious, even to him. Oh wait.... No, still no. If he wants to go camping this weekend, go with him. If you don't want to go camping, he doesn't go either. It really is just that simple.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He isn't planning on going alone. Either you go or he doesn't. There should be no other choice. If he thinks there is, he's still cheating.

Have you looked up the definition of true remorse??


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I agree with everyone else. Don't be a fool. trust is earned, not given freely. Going camping alone (or with the guys) would be fine a year from now. But just after getting busted? The same trip that he had planned to be with the OW? Are you crazy???


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If my husband was cheating and planning a trip with the OW and then I busted him and he STILL wanted to go away for the weekend? Holy NO! He could pack ALL his shet and get out. Happy Camping, buttwipe.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> So now that I busted him, he 'gave up' the OW, he still plans to go on this trip.
> 
> I'm concerned to let him go alone, for obvious reasons. But I don't want to tag along with him because I'm trying to reestablish some trust here. Stupid?


Huh? Shouldn't your wonderful hubby be the one busting his azz to reestablish trust?


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

Thanks everyone. I guess my fear is/was that he says I've pushed him away with my jealousy - and he will see this as my being jealous. :scratchhead:

I think I'll be camping this weekend.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He can't accuse you of anything. HE WAS CHEATING.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Are you crazy???



I think so.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> Thanks everyone. I guess my fear is/was that he says I've pushed him away with my jealousy - and he will see this as my being jealous. :scratchhead:
> 
> I think I'll be camping this weekend.


Sounds like you're justified not jealous.

Put some poison ivy in his sleeping bag. That ought to slow ol' lover boy down.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

Maybe I should add that there is a sporting event this coming weekend that he has been planning on attending a long time. That's "why" he's still going. However, I do agree with what's been said above and I will go with him.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> he says I've pushed him away with my jealousy - and he will see this as my being jealous.


Um, there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with this picture. HE is the lying cheat. HE does NOT get to accuse you of being jealous!!!!!

DO NOT let him get away with this crap!!! You really need to do some reading around the CWI forum and learn about what BS's have a right to. Please. This guy is trying to cheat right under your nose!!!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> That seems rash and harsh. Are you saying that no one ever stops cheating and no relationship can be restored?
> 
> Maybe I should add that there is a sporting event this coming weekend that he has been planning on attending a long time. That's "why" he's still going. However, I do agree with what's been said above and I will go with him.


Yes, relationships do get restored (read the link to my story in my sig for one example, there are many others on here) but not when the WS acts like yours!!!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

His behavior is beyond appalling and truly offensive, and I can't believe you are beating yourself down and believing his pathological reasoning. 

1. His cheating is NOT your fault.

2. His cheating is NOT your fault.

3. His cheating is NOT your fault.

And one more...

4. His cheating is NOT your fault.

You can try and make this work if you want to, but until he is truly sorry for his going astray I'll tell you what will happen... HE'LL DO IT AGAIN. He'll do it as often as he wants to, because why? He has no respect for you as his wife. You are an option and not a priority.

When he makes you a priority, then you can work on your marriage and reconcile. Until that happens? You're spinning your wheels lady.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> That seems rash and harsh. Are you saying that no one ever stops cheating and no relationship can be restored?
> 
> *Maybe I should add that there is a sporting event this coming weekend that he has been planning on attending a long time. That's "why" he's still going.* However, I do agree with what's been said above and I will go with him.


So? He screwed up, as I said above. He doesn't call the shots in this... YOU do. If you WANT to go on this trip, fine, then go. But if you don't, it doesn't matter WHAT has been planned for a long time, how much it cost, etc. He was planning to screw some woman on the trip. That alone is reason for him NOT to go, PERIOD! Seriously, how do you know this woman won't be there anyway? Even if you DO go along?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

How about you tell him he can go alone and he better dang well be alone. Then you go up there separately. 

"Surprise! I didn't want you to be alone."


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This is a support forum. Please adhere to forum rules. No more name calling, rude, and unsupportive comments.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> Thanks everyone. I guess my fear is/was that he says I've pushed him away with my jealousy - and he will see this as my being jealous. :scratchhead:
> 
> I think I'll be camping this weekend.


Take it a step further... let him know you are not packing a "sleeping bag" (or whatever the sleeping arrangement is); essentially you are letting him know you are sleeping close to him. Also let him know you plan on taking very few clothing items... give him the sense that you want this to be a time to be close. His reaction to this will tell all.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Thanks everyone. I guess my fear is/was that he says I've pushed him away with my jealousy - and he will see this as my being jealous.


So... He still accuses you of being "jealous" (what a grave thing that is...) after he cheated on you? I don't know, but i would be questioning his mental sanity. Given that you were right and he was cheating how can he accuse you now?

And you drove to it with jealousy? So, he decided to prove you right? So thoughtful... You should really thank your dedicated thoughtful husband for taking care of your fragile ego like that. The sacrifices that man is willing to do for your marriage...


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

I think you should go along or he gives the weekend up totally. That is not you being jealous! If you do go, as mad as you are at him, maybe you could set it aside and try to make it a weekend telling him & showing how much you do love him and want to fight for your marriage...and you expect the same in return. Good luck to you!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Man this just fires up my rage!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> Maybe I should add that there is a sporting event this coming weekend that he has been planning on attending a long time. That's "why" he's still going. However, I do agree with what's been said above and I will go with him.


Does not sound like he is very repentant about getting caught. He should be at home kissing your butt and trying to rebuild your trust.

I am not thinking he should be going. Is the sporting event more important then your marriage?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

somethingelse said:


> Man this just fires up my rage!


I know. Mine too.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

mahike said:


> Does not sound like he is very repentant about getting caught. He should be at home kissing your butt and trying to rebuild your trust.
> 
> I am not thinking he should be going. Is the sporting event more important then your marriage?



:iagree:

Exactly what I was thinking


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I am suspicious and questioning about this as well. 

I also think you are missing out on a perfect opportunity to establish to yourself he had no ulterior motives for wanting to go. If you truly have a jealousy issue (which is NOT a reason for him to hook up with someone else) it would also help substantiate in your own mind you have nothing to be jealous over.

Let him go. Meet him there with a big surprise! Opportunities like this are hard to come by.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yep let him go alone and show up unexpectedly. time to find out if you want to keep trying or if your gut is right and he isn't worth keeping.

if you show up and he was true to his word and he get a pi$$y with you just say you lose all trust and it might never come back buster.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> I guess my fear is/was that he says I've pushed him away with my jealousy - and he will see this as my being jealous. :scratchhead:


This tactic that he's used is called "blameshifting." It's YOUR fault that he feels distant from you 'because you are jealous.' It couldn't _possibly_ be because he's channeling energy and attention toward someone else!

But guess what? Studies show that healthy jealousy (we're NOT talking psycho possessiveness here) wards off cheating. The reason is that this type of healthy jealousy is another way of saying that you've spelled out boundaries in advance: you won't tolerate cheating in your marriage. He is free to choose to cheat, but there are consequences to pay--separation / divorce. You are not a doormat on which he gets to wipe his shoes.

But look how well his tactic has worked. He has you worried that YOU'LL alienate HIM further with your 'clingyness' or 'jealousy' or 'possessiveness.' What he REALLY means with this language is, keep your distance, because you're ruining my fun on the side.

You deserve a faithful spouse. Meantime, he has to EARN your trust, and right now he does not deserve it.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

UPDATE: So I told him I was going. He 'suggested' I come up on Saturday so I didn't have to take Friday off. Then I check the phone records this morning and there was a text from the OW to his cell. He didn't return the text, but could have called her or who knows what?!?

That broke my heart...again. I really really want this to work out. 

I am going up with him on Friday. And I actually do hope she's there (although I know she won't be - he'll warn her somehow). I'm going to try to make the best of it and show him that we can still have good times together. Maybe just put everything aside for one weekend and see where things go from there.

I am upset about the text yesterday - and that he didn't tell me about it. We have verizon and they don't offer blocking service or I would have her blocked myself.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So, he's still lying to you. What are you going to do about THAT?

If you rugsweep this, it will just keep happening.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

not a good 'suggestion' on his part....

check his phone bill for calls if you can. I wouldn't block this girl yourself. Only he should do that. But I would say keep checking to see whether he is staying faithful and keep tabs on the texting.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I say only he should delete them to show that he is really going the mile.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> UPDATE: So I told him I was going. He 'suggested' I come up on Saturday so I didn't have to take Friday off. Then I check the phone records this morning and there was a text from the OW to his cell. He didn't return the text, but could have called her or who knows what?!?
> 
> That broke my heart...again. I really really want this to work out.
> 
> ...


I really wish you the best, and I don't mean to sound deceptive, but it would have been best if you would have surprised him on Friday evening, that is take his suggestion that you not go with him on Friday, however surprise him and show up anyway. Regardless, you at least did the right thing by going on this trip, however you need to confront him on the text message. He needs to be transparent about everything and let him know that is how trust will be brought back to the marriage. 

Best of luck.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

drerio said:


> I really wish you the best, and I don't mean to sound deceptive, but it would have been best if you would have surprised him on Friday evening, that is take his suggestion that you not go with him on Friday, however surprise him and show up anyway.


You still have time to do this. And this is what I'd do. You've got to bust this WIDE open with her there. Make him choose.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> So, he's still lying to you. What are you going to do about THAT?
> 
> If you rugsweep this, it will just keep happening.


The problem with saying anything about that text is then he'll know I've learned how to check his cell usage on line.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

So sorry for you. He needs to want to do this. Otherwise you're just clinging to a vision of who you think he should be, not who he is.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> You still have time to do this. And this is what I'd do. You've got to bust this WIDE open with her there. Make him choose.


Oh yeah! This! You stand on one side of him, her on the other, demand he choose in front of her. If he chooses you, it may be enough to hurt her so that she bails. If he either choose her or can't decide, then he's chosen her. Then you should bail.

If she isn't there on Friday night then he probably warned her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> The problem with saying anything about that text is then he'll know I've learned how to check his cell usage on line.


That isn't what I meant.

What are you doing about gathering incontrovertible proof?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Have you already told him you're coming on Friday? If so, that sucks. If not, say you will work Friday, and then show up. He might have her there. and then you can do the "her or me" bit.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

drerio said:


> I really wish you the best, and I don't mean to sound deceptive, but it would have been best if you would have surprised him on Friday evening, that is take his suggestion that you not go with him on Friday, however surprise him and show up anyway. Regardless, you at least did the right thing by going on this trip, however you need to confront him on the text message. He needs to be transparent about everything and let him know that is how trust will be brought back to the marriage.
> 
> Best of luck.


This needs to happen. Tell him something came up at work etc etc, your brother, your mom whatever, show up, if something happens which will show you that's enough to make you leave him or to decide what to do then so be it. Every person needs a different amount of evidence or openness for them to be able to make a choice. You're playing chess, fighting a war here, for your marriage if you want it, if not then leave it at him being dishonest and move on. We cannot decide for you. You decide, and there are plenty here to help you for whatever you choose.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> Okay, so from another thread you may know my situation. What's really relevant here is that this weekend is when my husband and the OW had planned to meet and be together for the first time. (He will be camping out of town.)
> 
> So now that I busted him, he 'gave up' the OW, he still plans to go on this trip.
> 
> ...


I looked at your other thread, and noticed this:



> He says that my jealously will push him to cheat if I keep it up. He says if he's going to be punished for it - he may as well do it. Should I just play the part of naive trusting wife until I can get some solid evidence - or do you think I already have that from what I read? My sister thinks he's playing mind games with me. I just don't want to believe he could do that to me after 19 years of marriage. I guess (from reading) that the time you've been married really doesn't matter.


What an ass. 

My bet is he's planning on seeing her. Either way, if he is or isn't, I would not go with him. I would spend the time packing and make sure I was gone before he returned from his little "secret lovers" raendesvous.

You may want to trust, but that is the worst thing you could do for yourself right now. Trust someone because they're worthy of it...not because you want to.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

what's funny is your H is only saying things like "your pushing me to cheat" to justify his cheating by making you feel like it's your fault. He doesn't want to stop. You're not pushing him to cheat. He just likes to have excuses. It's a sick little game these kinds of people play.

My H does this too....it leaves you with a feeling of helplessness, and gives you this thought.. "oh no, well I don't want that, I better stop saying that then" Then they are left to go on their pretty little way to eat their cake and have their family on the side. 

Don't let him do this to you anymore. It's so draining.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> The problem with saying anything about that text is then he'll know I've learned how to check his cell usage on line.


True, but he'd be pretty stupid at this point to not think that you are snooping him in various ways. Blocking her number doesn't do much b/c she can just pick up another phone to call. Your cheater H should have volunteered to change his number, but he won't do that. He still thinks he can trample all over our boundaries. 

You are really going to have to stomp some azz (his and hers) at some point.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

We just met for lunch. Again he tried to talk me into not going with him on Friday and just driving up on Saturday. There's only one reason for that. Even I can't kid myself about that one.

I'm so damned depressed.  Sitting here at work crying with my office door shut.

I just can't take it.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

donny64 said:


> I looked at your other thread, and noticed this:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


If only I were strong enough. I'm sure you all see plenty of self-pity on here to make you sick. I just don't want to live without him. I so wish I could turn back the clock and prevent this from happening.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

What I hear you saying is that he's made his choice. And given the fact that he knows you know...you are likely right. I'm so sorry.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So do you need more proof??

Don't beg him. Kick him out. Tell him you are DONE. You don't have to put up with this.

And although it's counter intuitive, that may just be the kick in the head he needs to wake him up.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Is the other woman married?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> If only I were strong enough. I'm sure you all see plenty of self-pity on here to make you sick. I just don't want to live without him. I so wish I could turn back the clock and prevent this from happening.


You are strong enough. Tell him to choose - cancel the trip, or don't bother coming home after.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> We just met for lunch. Again he tried to talk me into not going with him on Friday and just driving up on Saturday. There's only one reason for that. Even I can't kid myself about that one.
> 
> I'm so damned depressed.  Sitting here at work crying with my office door shut.
> 
> I just can't take it.



My heart goes out to you! I am praying for you too. You know what. If he doesn't see what he has, then he's no man at all. You don't deserve this from him. What an idiot he is.

You are not alone. My H did this to me so many times. Left me out of the loop, gave me excuse after excuse. These guys don't know what they have until it's gone! I myself have cried many nights over my H and felt overwhelmed. I'm here for you.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

827Aug said:


> Is the other woman married?


No. And she's 18 years younger than he is. She's the same age as his daughter.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

thunderstruck said:


> You are strong enough. Tell him to choose - cancel the trip, or don't bother coming home after.


I wouldn't even go that far. If you have to force him to cancel the trip, it will just be a matter of time before he finds another way to meet her. If he's trying to meet her now, in his heart, he still isn't committed to you and making the marriage work. IMO, that's all the reason you need to leave.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> No. And she's 18 years younger than he is. She's the same age as his daughter.



I would go surprise him on Friday anyway! If he is investing his time with his AP, I would let him believe that you will be working like he has advised you to do. When you get there, if he is in fact with the AP, then leave....don't even bother going back. This is a good opportunity to give yourself the push.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> We just met for lunch. Again he tried to talk me into not going with him on Friday and just driving up on Saturday. There's only one reason for that. Even I can't kid myself about that one.
> 
> I'm so damned depressed.  Sitting here at work crying with my office door shut.
> 
> I just can't take it.


Ok, time to gather yourself... Call him back and agree that you will not go with him on Friday and that you will come up Saturday. However you show up on Friday (that is if you have any chance of saving this marriage). Show up and just be prepared with your A-game. He needs to choose, don't lose your composure. He needs to see that you are the one in control. 

Best of Luck


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> No. And she's 18 years younger than he is. She's the same age as his daughter.


Yep, he knows how to pick them. My estranged husband went the same route. Makes the affair easier that way.

I would get tough with him. Either you accompany him to the event or he cancel his trip.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm curious - What's his reason for not wanting you to come up on Friday? It doesn't really matter, I'm just wondering.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> If only I were strong enough. I'm sure you all see plenty of self-pity on here to make you sick. I just don't want to live without him. I so wish I could turn back the clock and prevent this from happening.


Too late... gather yourself. You need to be strong. If you show weakness now you lose and your marriage is over. If not now, it will be soon enough.

We are 100% behind you.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

I'd let him think you are coming up Saturday, but then I would take the day off of work and drive there Friday and catch him if I could. 

I wish I had done so many things differently. I could not stop the rage and just blurted everything out as I found things. I had 3 months of lies before I finally got the proof in a Facebook message from the OW.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Leave him now. When he comes back he will not see you, or the locks will be changed, he is a MAJOR cake eater. Tell him to not come back if he goes and try to show him HOW SERIOUS you are. Having a woman who is 18 years younger, that is ridiculous. That relationship is not even possible after divorce and he is so blind right now, so addicted, so clouded and in the wayward fog, scoring a girl that young has him high on cloud 9 give his bubble a tiny prick and its all gone.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

justonelife said:


> I'm curious - What's his reason for not wanting you to come up on Friday? It doesn't really matter, I'm just wondering.


Very lame reasons - like, if I came up the following morning, I could bring food. And - I'll just be sitting around waiting for him all day while he's out...(playing in this sport).


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

So summarizing the advice:


1. Leave him now. Tell him you're tired of the games, she can have him.

2. Tell him he can't go on the trip any more. Tell him to choose right now or the marriage is over. But if you threaten to leave, you have to mean it. Get ready to call a lawyer tomorrow and get legal advice and prepare to file. (This is classic advice on this forum--it forces the cheater to choose, they never think you have the cojones to file. And divorce can be stalled or withdrawn, but they're not thinking about that when they get served.)

3. Tell him that you can't go on Friday, then confront him on Friday (BTW, can you do this? Do you know precisely where he'll be?)

4. Go with him the entire weekend so he can't be with her in person.



Which will it be? I would pick #2 or #3.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> Very lame reasons - like, if I came up the following morning, I could bring food. And - I'll just be sitting around waiting for him all day while he's out...(playing in this sport).


I know all of us here are just faceless individuals with funny, cute, or even odd usernames but we are here. And, we are behind you... you need to stand strong. There are a couple threads of thought going on:

1. Kick him out NOW

2. Show up on Friday and confront him and the OG (girl - can't even call her a woman, that would be a compliment she does not deserve).

Either choice is better than being weak and falling prey to his request and antics. 

Figuratively speaking, pick yourself up off the floor and act now to get a plan together and implement it. 

My hope is that he comes to realize his failings and spends years waiting on you hand and foot to make up for his deeds, but just be prepared for divorce. The later though painful and expensive is far better than what you are having to live with now.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

I wish I were as strong as all of you. I guess some people are just weaker and some people’s psyche just can’t take it. I’m one of the later. Thank you all for your time, support and advice.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> I wish I were as strong as all of you. I guess some people are just weaker and some people’s psyche just can’t take it. I’m one of the later. Thank you all for your time, support and advice.


But which one are you going to pick? Go with him all weekend, including Friday? Surely you aren't going with #5, skipping Friday because he asked you to and only coming up on Saturday?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> I wish I were as strong as all of you. I guess some people are just weaker and some people’s psyche just can’t take it. I’m one of the later. Thank you all for your time, support and advice.


No... we are only strong when we are alone, you are not alone. If you don't fight for this you will regret it. We have seen this movie before... rewrite the script.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> I wish I were as strong as all of you. I guess some people are just weaker and some people’s psyche just can’t take it. I’m one of the later. Thank you all for your time, support and advice.




I'm not as strong either sadly  but aspiring to be  Keep us up to date on how this goes. I'm rooting for you all the way..


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet. If he asks me again not to go Friday, I may say okay and just show up. I think he'll be smart enough to know I'd do that - so I don't think he'd stay at the camp with her.

I think I'll try to ask him about it tonight. Ask him the real reason he wants me to stay home. And like a fool, I'll buy the bs he feeds me.

So, I'll insist on going Friday. If it turns into an argument, then I'll have to face it and do what I've gotta do.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Domestic Violence - Co-Dependent or Abused

Any of this apply to you? Just curious.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

NOT saying you are in an abusive relationship, just curious.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet. If he asks me again not to go Friday, I may say okay and just show up. I think he'll be smart enough to know I'd do that - so I don't think he'd stay at the camp with her.
> 
> I think I'll try to ask him about it tonight. Ask him the real reason he wants me to stay home. And like a fool, I'll buy the bs he feeds me.
> 
> So, I'll insist on going Friday. If it turns into an argument, then I'll have to face it and do what I've gotta do.


He may be onto you as far as saying you won't go on Friday but show up anyway, however he is in the fog. If you could device a plan, that is you have a friend, sibling or someone call you (put that person on speaker phone when he is in ear shot distance) and suggest to make plans for Friday night that may throw him off to your plan. There is always a way.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

that_girl said:


> NOT saying you are in an abusive relationship, just curious.


Good point... I hope that this is NOT true. If it is leave NOW.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Has he come clean with you yet? What exactly has he told you about what he has done with his AP? and what did he do when you found all this out and confronted him....what did he say to you?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> I think I'll try to ask him about it tonight. Ask him the real reason he wants me to stay home. And like a fool, I'll buy the bs he feeds me.


 This makes me very sad.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Domestic Violence - Co-Dependent or Abused
> 
> Any of this apply to you? Just curious.


My internet access at work won't allow me to open your link. However I can tell you that there is no violence. I would guess that I'm co-dependent, abused? I don't think so, but I guess that depends on your definition of abused.

I'll check back in with everyone on Monday and let you know how it goes.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> My internet access at work won't allow me to open your link. However I can tell you that there is no violence. I would guess that I'm co-dependent, abused? I don't think so, but I guess that depends on your definition of abused.
> 
> I'll check back in with everyone on Monday and let you know how it goes.


This one is soooo hard. I fear that she heard a lot of things for which she will choose to act on none of them and that there is a lot more to this family that most of us may never know. 

TilDeathDoUsPart,
I am now concerned for you. I am just reading between the lines. 

Not sure you will be back, I really wish you the best for you, please be safe.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> My internet access at work won't allow me to open your link. However I can tell you that there is no violence. I would guess that I'm co-dependent, abused? I don't think so, but I guess that depends on your definition of abused.
> 
> I'll check back in with everyone on Monday and let you know how it goes.


It wasn't about physical violence. 

It was about emotional abuse...which I think you are in the middle of


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I suggest agreeing not to go on Friday and then show up and surprise him.


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## TilDeathDoUsPart (Jul 27, 2012)

When I didn't back down from going on Friday - his sporting event for that morning was suddenly cancelled. So, he "went to work" that morning instead. I'm most certain he went to see her.

I asked him if he'd heared from her and he admitted about her texting him (and him not replying), but said he was really at work 

So he's gone to Germany this week. I have a week alone to think it over.

Thank you all again for your help.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I expect she is meeting him on some portion of this trip, if not actually in Germany, then perhaps he's artificially extended the trip to spend time with her here in a way that you wouldn't detect.

I am sorry, but he is making his choices very plain.

What are you going to do next?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

His actions aren't of a man trying to fix his marriage. They are a teenager trying to out smart his parents so he can sneak out to the party.

I think you need to show him that you are not giving him anymore rope.

Any chance you could "show up" in Germany?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Let him go alone. Drive by and see if he is alone or not.

Maybe you can get a friend to drive you. Therefore, he won't recognize the car. If there are passes required for parking, you can buy a day pass.

This will tell you if he's being truthful or not.

My ex h went camping with a buddy(bf's ex h) of his. My best friend drove and we were planning a surprise visit. Well we were the ones surprised as there were two women camping with them. Needless to say we stayed. I ended up sleeping in the car with my ex. My bf slept with her husband in one tent and the two mystery women slept in another tent. The other women were picked up by our ex H's, so they didn't have a ride home until morning.

I gave my ex h a few more chances to be faithful after this incident. He could not stop having affairs and sleeping with other women. I finally left after 2 years of the camping incident. I did not have sex with my ex h either. There was no way I could with his unfaithfulness.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Let him go alone. Drive by and see if he is alone or not.
> 
> Maybe you can get a friend to drive you. Therefore, he won't recognize the car. If there are passes required for parking, you can buy a day pass.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, the camping trip is ancient history now


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> Unfortunately, the camping trip is ancient history now


I didn't look at the date or read all of the replies. I'll go back and read it all.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> When I didn't back down from going on Friday - his sporting event for that morning was suddenly cancelled. So, he "went to work" that morning instead. I'm most certain he went to see her.
> 
> I asked him if he'd heared from her and he admitted about her texting him (and him not replying), but said he was really at work
> 
> ...


Do you ever get to see his pay-stubs by any chance?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

TilDeathDoUsPart said:


> When I didn't back down from going on Friday - his sporting event for that morning was suddenly cancelled. So, he "went to work" that morning instead. I'm most certain he went to see her.
> 
> I asked him if he'd heared from her and he admitted about her texting him (and him not replying), but said he was really at work
> 
> ...


Actually, not sure any of us have helped you since you have not taken any of the advice or devised any plan to either catch him or deal head on with the situation. Of course he will deny everything, he already knows how to play you. 

Is the trip to Germany business? If so, you should probably find out how long he supposed to be gone (someone at his work place should have that information). 

Call his workplace "Hi, <insert name>, my husband forgot his medication, can you tell me how I can get it to him? It is important that he at least takes it once every four days."


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

Do you know for sure there ever really WAS a sporting event scheduled last Friday? Could it have been a ruse to start with? Seems interesting it was suddenly cancelled once you were going.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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