# 1 Week into Seperation



## cdecant (Jul 17, 2012)

My story goes as follows. My wife and I have been married 6 years and together 10 years on 07/26/2012. For the past couple of years we have been fighting on and off about lack of intimacy on her part in our relationship. We have hit quiet a few potholes on our journey over the last 10 years. In my wife's eyes she feels like we have tried for so long to fix them that she is done trying, and is tired of being the problem in our relationship. We have 3 kids 2 together and I have one from a previous relationship. My wife has been in my daughters life since she was 1 year old. I always felt (as bad as this sounds) that I had an edge on her, and never thought she would leave me since she would be essentially walking away from her step daughter as well. In the past few months we met a couple that we have been hanging out with quiet a bit every Saturday night drinking and having fun. At first it was fun but then I began to feel my wife had a spark with the husband and I didn't like it. I kept telling my wife I did not like the friendship with them as much as she did and that I didn't like the flirting and "spark" her and him had. My wife has never been a cheater and has always been 100% against cheating and told me if I ever cheated she would leave me, so I always trusted her and she had never given me any reason to not trust her. The past few months all of our fights have been around me not liking the friendship with them as much as her but I tried anyway because we did have fun when we hung out. And she would tell me that I was just being paranoid and that I was going to ruin the friendship and that she was my wife and nobody elses, and that it was just harmless fun. So last Tuesday we got into a fight and she proceeded to tell me that she wanted some space I agreed with her and found a place to go. I did this because I did not want to be in the house and pretend there wasn't a black cloud following us around. So Wednesday 07/11th I went and stayed at a friends house and agreed to stay gone for a week. The next day she called me and asked me if I heard from the friends wife and I said no. She told me that I deserve to hear this from her and no one else. She said that all of my fears were true. She had grown feelings for the husband and they had been texting back and forth every day for months, and she wants to date him. I was devastated I felt like my heart had been ripped out and all the normal feelings. I struggle with all of this because we had been recently talking about long term plans that married couples make. Such as another baby, buying a bigger house, getting new cars. I have even asked her she was ever gonna leave and she stated no of course not. Apparently the wife grew suspicious and check the text records on his phone bill, and realized how much they were texting.

I have only talked to her a few times since then, and I am so hurt. We have decided she is going to get a job and move out, and I am going to keep the house, she agreed because she does not want me to have to move my daughter since she is with me every other week. I have told her I am excited to move on with my life and be single and focus on myself, children, and house.

Inside I am hanging onto hope that she will come to her senses and realize what she is leaving. I am trying to give her space so she comes back. I dont know if I am denial or not. She thinks that her leaving, and this other man have nothing to do with each other, and that is just not possible. I believe that the relationship walls of our marriage broke down and allowed her to have these false feelings for another man. I do believe that she will leave and move out and he and him will date and he will hurt her and go back to his wife. I dont know if that is me coping or not. The truth is I do love my wife and believe that we have had problems for a long time and never truly fixed them. I believe she is fed up with the fighting and doesn't know what to do. Her and I used to be the best couple you would see and we truly loved each other, not just infatuation at the beginning. Our problems didn't truly start until about four years ago. So our honeymoon phase was 6 years long. 

My stance now is I am letting her know that I am not going to try to hold her back from leaving, and that I know there is no hope for that. I told her I have no control over what she decides to do with this other man, and I dont want to know because it hurts to bad. The part that I struggle with the most is the manipulation she put on me by allowing me to believe I was a crazy jealous guy. It hurts but I do believe you hurt the ones you love. I told her once I get through my emotions we will be fine. We have always been a great team in anything we have done together and even through separation I believe we still can be. I personally do not believe that a marriage should end in this situation, and that her "Feelings" for this other man are a result of issues we have had in our relationship. I have tried to get her to go to counseling but she refuses. Not sure what to do except look forward to the future and hope my wife decides she wants to continue our life together, and truly work on our relationship. I am gonna show her what she is missing in me by being gone but also by working on myself. She fell in love with me once and I believe she can again. At that time I will have to decide if she is still what I want if she is not willing to fix this.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

cdecant,

You should do some reading in the CWI section here.

Your wife was/is in an emotional affair with this man. She did cheat on you and she lied to your face for months. There's also the possibility that this may have gone physical at some point (thus her desire to move out).

You should keep in contact with the other man's wife (OMW) to try and keep tabs on them. Is the OM leaving his wife or are they seperating?

Read up on the 180 plan on TAM too. It will help prepare you for your future

Whatever you do, do not beg and plead with your wife to return. Most womaen see this as a sign of weakness

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation and good luck!


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

the only advice i have to give is time & space, limit your contact, become an actor when you talk to her so she can't see your feelings, a lot of us try to fix everything right away, expect some serious time if there is hope for R. expect everything to go rock bottom & then you will start to climb out, i've been separated from my "soul mate" for 3 mos but i finally turned my corner, read mine/other threads to learn from the great advice given


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## cdecant (Jul 17, 2012)

Hi Toffer, I was maintaining contact with his wife because we were friends and are going through the same thing. They have 2 children and at first figured we could hold each other up. After talking to her the first few times, her and I decided not to talk. The truth is I have to much going on with what I am going through than to deal with the drama of what they are going through and what we would talk about would get back to my wife via her husband or her husband via my wife. I talked to my wife the other day about it and told her I CANT do this with them to, and any thing that I talk to my wife about needs to remain between the two of us. I told her that after 10 years I deserve that respect. After the last time I talked to his wife, I deleted her phone number and removed her as a friend on FaceBook. Also I dont want to keep dibs on my wife in this situation. I told her already I cant stop her from doing what she is doing. The way I feel is the more I try the more I am pushing her into his arms. I am not sure what the other couple are going through. I think he wants to leave her and she doesnt want to leave. From my understanding she told him that he either chooses his family (Wife and Kids) or my wife. I feel my wife is being very naive in this whole situation, but I cant be there to save her. I am preparing myself for the worst and hoping for the best. I am hoping the further she gets away from me the more she will realize that what we had was special with problems that were/are fixable. I do realize she has been having an emotional affair but I do not at this time feel that is something I cant forgive. I do know nothing has happened and I am fully prepared and know that things will become physical. like I said before when/if she decides she wants to come back I need to decide if that is what I want. 

I was not able to find the CWI section and I am not sure what the 180 plan on TAM is. 

Please provide as much feed back as possible I am really trying to stay strong through this but so devastated, I always thought that no matter how hard it got between us there would never be an end. Again I dont know if I am in my denial phase of all this but I am hoping. 

I talked to some friends and they gave me some great advise. Work on who you are and try to become a better person from all of this. You will either be better for your wife if she does come back or be better for whatever else your future holds. Either way you are better. That is where I am drawing my strength right now. I am excited about being single and taking care of myself and children.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

cdecant,

Do some more reading here. If they are both talking about leaving their spouses, it probably already went physical to some extent.

CWI is the Coping With Infidelty section on talkaboutmarriage.com

Search for the 180 in that forum

Right now your wife is in the fog of her affair. She has all the fun of a new romance without any of the responsibilities of a marriage like bills, meal prep etc.

The CWI section will have advice on how to try and knock her out of the fog up to and including filing for divorce.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Things you can and should do.

First, let her and OM pay for the affair and he abandoning the family

1. Remove her from credit cards.
2. Remove her from access to cash and bank accounts.
3. Do not pay anything to help he leave and cheat. So no deposits on apartments, or buying new furniture, pots, pans, etc. She Barthes things at home. She has chosen to leave the family,so she also leaves all those things behind.
4. She needs to pay for her own car, insurance. Repairs, gas.

You sound like a nice guy who is going to civilized in the way you treat her. Stop that right now if you want to ever have her come back. No woman will be with someone they don't respect, and no woman will respect a man who pays for her to go cheat.

She's leaving the family so she can continue her affair. It has no doubt gone full on PA as no woman would leave her family like this out of a basic interest in dating. Nope, she's deep in a physical affair and is down playing it to get you to continuing being nice to her and giving her money.

So stop that.

SECOND

Expose her cheating to friends and family, bring as much social pressure you can onto her 

Third!

resume contact with the OMW. She's done nothing wrong to you. In fact she was the one that on covered the lies you were being told.support one another and share intelligence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

our vision shattered said:


> the only advice i have to give is time & space, limit your contact, become an actor when you talk to her so she can't see your feelings, a lot of us try to fix everything right away, expect some serious time if there is hope for R. expect everything to go rock bottom & then you will start to climb out, i've been separated from my "soul mate" for 3 mos but i finally turned my corner, read mine/other threads to learn from the great advice given












Great advice....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loveisforever (Jun 21, 2012)

It looked like your wife now has a EA with a possible PA. Your wife is willing to go down that road but you have not make the 180 turn. You seems like desperate to keep her but feels powerless. My advice is to let her go. If you truly love her, let she pursue her happiness. A reconcile is not possible when she shows no remorse on her A. You only chance to get her is to become a MAN and let she choose. If I were you, I will consider divorce now.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

In a sense this seperation killed your marriage. Now you need to protect yourself and your child, and move on. If later on she decides to ask for your forgiveness you'll weigh if she's remorseful or was dumped by the other guy and needs a backup plan(you).

Here is the 180 list, The Healing Heart: The 180

The CWI(coping with infidelity) section, Coping with Infidelity

Spend a few hours reading old threads in that section. What you'll see is the same script being repeated over and over again. It all starts with small conversation here and there, to sexting, to sleeping together, and finally to leaving the marital home to be with the affair partner. 

I would suggest you follow Shaggy's advice to a T and have her served with divorce papers at work. Later on you'll decide whether to give her another chance or not, if she's truly remorseful or crocodile tears. In other words you need to take action right away and be proactive, being a nice guy wont net you good results.

Good luck and report back every question you have.


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