# Got married too young?



## yellymary (Feb 17, 2012)

Hello everyone!

I am so glad i found this forum. I need some advice and I don't know where to turn for it. Maybe your experience and insight can help me see things differently. I am 29 years old and my husband is 33. we got married when i was 21, after two years of dating. My husband is German. I am from PR. At the beginning, i thought this will be an issue but thank god has never been an issue. Immediately after getting married i started noticing certain weird things in my husband. First thing, we just stopped having sex. I kept on asking the reason why and he will always give some excuse. I thought he was cheating. One day, i caught him masturbating to porn. I get guys do porn, but i got irritated because we never had sex. I confronted him and then, three weeks after our wedding he admits that he had a porn addiction. Few weeks later i learned that he also suffers from OCD and clinical depression. I did noticed some treats of this disease right away but i never saw it as a threat. Nevertheless, since we just got married we decided to work it out through counseling. Lets just get straight that he does not see anything of these issues as problems. He promised he will change, he will seek help but nothing ever changed. WE together and somehow i learned to manage all these situations: the ocd, the lack of sense the mood swings, etc. To top it off he has the worst hygiene. he spends days no taking a shower, no changing his clothes, no shaving neither brushing his teeth. Then i got caught in a spiral i just couldnt get out. We decided to move back to PR so i could go to law school and we could get a fresh start. It didnt happen. Just more trouble. His porn addiction got worst as it did his ocd compulsions. He never saw a doctor nor took medication. After I was done with law school we decided to move to florida, also for a change. Same story here. Fast forward time and I am 29 years old, almost 11 years invested in this relationship and nothing changes. we still have no sex, his OCD is out of control (now he is a hoarder and even checks the garbage). Lately his mood swings are worst. He snaps at anything. His compulsions take all his time. as part of his OCD, he also is workaholic. with hi all is extremes. we dont talk, we dont spend time together, nothing. its just like roomates. do not get me wrong, he is a great guy and thats what makes it so hard. he is not jealous, understanding and overall a nice person. He was the first and only guy i have had intimacy with. i cant even baffle the idea of being intimate with someone else with all these insecurities. everyday with him is a rollercoaster. in the morning he might in a good mood and 3 minutes later he snaps and gets mad at me for any reason. then, there is the economical aspect. Even if i went to law school i havent been able to pass the bar (i think is the stress). i work as a paralegal and i just opened a wine bar in which he helped me. he is the one that brings out most of the money and i am not sure i can sustain myself financially alone. after so many years tolerating and holding, this is the first time i feel so decided to leave. it is too much for me. i see happy couples in health relationships and i am starving for that. we never laugh. we neither fight. it is like a numbness state. i dont know if it is the fact that i am about to turn 30 and i feel that my life is slipping away quickly. i know i am still young, but i dont want to wait til it is too late to go ahead and rebuild my life. I am really confused and i dont know if i should divorce him. i have give him countless chances and he never changes. he never admits his conditions. nothing. last time i told him that we really needed to do something he even said that he wouldnt mind if i go have sex with someone if that will calm me down. he understands that does not mean that i dont love him. I dont know what is normal anymore. in one hand, some days he is this great sweet caring guy, another hour he is all cranky, cursing and mad at me for anything. I dont if i should just wait until my financial situation is better or wait for a miracle. i dont know what to do. i jeep on hoping we will get help. he will get better but after 10 years, i have never see him try. when i mention that i want to leave his answer is that if i am so miserable then i should leave. i dont know if i married too young, if i have changed, if am i the problem. i am so confused. i do not talk to my family or friends about it. on the outside everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. i am dying inside. i feel so empty and unhappy. confused, sad, all of the above. any words of insight will help greatly. thank you for reading.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I suppose your mistake is not talking to your family. What you are living through is not normal. The quicker you get out the better. He is unlikely to change.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

No, you just didn't realize the extent of your husband's depression or OCD. I'd be a bit upset if my husband was depressed and was not getting help for it. The lack of hygiene is a sure sign of depression. I'm not sure what OCD's your husband has. My husband has a hygiene OCD, which the OCD trait passed on to my youngest daughter, but in a different way. Everything needs to be in it's precise place and if it's not, she has a meltdown or is very stressed until she fixes it.

I honestly don't think your husband will change. You can not change who they are, I learned this the hard way with my first marriage. My second marriage is wonderful. Good luck. I hope you figure out what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

THIS is a great book for helping OCD. Also, I've seen some huge, positive developments in treating OCD by addressing other health problems, like hormone issues, parasites, and so on. 

I believe that the "married too young" excuse is just a cop-out. People used to get married young far more frequently and marriages were stronger than they are now, on average.


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## Flobot (Feb 19, 2012)

He needs help .. Check out Neurotherapy . I had an ocd with work and anxiety.. now i can just shut down my brain and relax . 

But then again the person has to WANT to change . 

Sorry for your situation sounds very rough .


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## Jaxie (Feb 21, 2012)

I also just found out my husband has a porn addiction. The difference is he realizes it is a problem, says he is trying to change, and I STILL don't know if I want to stay. If he doesn't see it as a problem, it will never go away.


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