# Simple solution in MC



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

So, my H and I had our first session of MC after deciding to give things another try. It was all done by Skype BTW - the counselor (who has been my IC for about 4 years) had us both skyped in from our homes 700 miles away from each other. Anyhoo...

We had about 1/2 an hour total due to first time technical difficulties but in that first half hour the therapist had identified a really simple solution to what we both thought was a complex problem. What I was calling "unresponsiveness" and "being inconsiderate" on his part, and what he was calling "insecurity" and "need for constant validation" on his part was what the counselor identified as a "pursuer" and "withdrawer" problem. 

I am the pursuer and, as she explained it, am like Ms. Pacman trying to energetically pursue connection and my H was like the very last dot in the maze hoping not to be gobbled up.

This dynamic plays out when H has said or done something that I don't like, I send a long text explaining my issue with it, the long text overwhelms him and he doesn't respond. His non-response freaks me out and I start to send longer and more urgent texts. 

Counselor suggested that I send very simple, one-line texts and that H ALWAYS responds to my texts even if it's to say, "Don't have time to give a longer response right now. Will get back to you." 

Believe it or not, this would actually solve a lot of the immediate issues we've had (if not some of the lingering long-term ones.)


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Great idea. I see a lot of this in my relationship with my W. Did your MC indicate that this is the type of thing that is just a part of who you are and who he is all the time, or is this just a temporary thing that is a problem while the relationship is in flux?


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## thompkevin (Jul 17, 2013)

Wow, very nice solution to the problem. Seems like you have great counselor. All the best.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> Great idea. I see a lot of this in my relationship with my W. Did your MC indicate that this is the type of thing that is just a part of who you are and who he is all the time, or is this just a temporary thing that is a problem while the relationship is in flux?


She indicated that this is who we are all the time, and it makes sense in a lot of ways - me getting rejected for sex, me wanting us to talk about financing, me wanting him to do things around the house - and him hesitating and withdrawing.


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