# Dealing with sexless marriage



## HaveDepressedWifeNoSex (Nov 3, 2014)

Hello All,

Not only am I new to this forum, I am new to forums completely so forgive me any faux pas.

My wife and I have been married for six years. We are both in our late thirties. Since the conception of our child almost four years ago, she has been diving deeper and deeper into depression. We have talked about it relentlessly and each time we resolve ourselves to try harder. I have become a much more attentive husband doing the things she needs to feel appreciated (house work, making time for togetherness, understanding, patience). She has made great strides understanding her depression and how it affects us and our marriage. However, the one thing that eludes us is our sex life. Since conception, there has been zero sex. Over four years. She realizes it is her depression, self esteem , etc.... for this, but when I try to talk to her about it, it seems to drive her deeper into depression and even further away from wanting sex. She says she feels awful about it but still cannot make the leap. For fear of making her worse off then she is, I have recently decided that I can no longer bring up the subject . We have been to therapy together once with some good results. The therapist said she would like to see my wife separately to further discuss her issues. And now she will not go back. She doesn't flat out refuse to go, she just doesn't make time to go. Always some excuse (no time, not feeling well etc..) I am at a loss. I feel that she is stuck. Now, since it has been years since we have been intimate with each other, I am getting pretty frustrated. I believe that sex is an important part of a loving marriage and that sex brings intimacy into the rest of the marriage. It has come to a point where I can only think of sex.

Any advice out there?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Nothing's going to change until your wife commits to working on things. And she doesn't have to do that if you'll just shut up and leave her alone. 

So now the question is, what are you willing to do about it?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She knows it's not a deal breaker for you, so sorry, you're stuck.


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## HaveDepressedWifeNoSex (Nov 3, 2014)

I figured so....... I was just hoping for something I haven't thought of. Thank you.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

HaveDepressedWifeNoSex said:


> I figured so....... I was just hoping for something I haven't thought of. Thank you.


The only possible thing that will work is to tell her that you will be filing for divorce in X months if nothing improves. Then, if nothing improves, go ahead and file.

Sorry, but that's the way it is.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

no sex, as in no intercourse, or no anything? Does she do anything for you within the realm of sex (oral, manual etc)? What was your sex life like before you had your child? What is she doing for her depression, is she seeing any type of counselor or taking medication?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think some tough love is needed. Insist that she go to therapy, preferably one who can prescribe antidepressants. Be clear that she must do this to save the marriage, and you will be supportive if she does - otherwise, all bets are off, and divorce is an option for you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I think some tough love is needed. Insist that she go to therapy, preferably one who can prescribe antidepressants. Be clear that she must do this to save the marriage, and you will be supportive if she does - otherwise, all bets are off, and divorce is an option for you.


Some of them love to do it when they are properly motivated ( leveraged ), they know your right, and that your not playing around. Sometimes they really WANT to do it then.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Tell her you are too depressed to go to work anymore ...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm in the same situation... my wife had OCD + depression and she refuses to see a therapist. Sex life was pretty bad. No communication. It's affected our marriage badly. The other day I told her I didn't was sex with her any more, on her terms and when she feels like... i.e. almost never. Just too depressing for me too! Not leaving because of the kids... also, I wouldn't like to leave a woman in that state on her own.

I'm afraid I don't have an answer. If she refuses to sort herself out, there isn't much you can do.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

*4 years* without sex? Wait, did you really just say *4 years *without sex?

My friend, no sane person your age goes *4 years *without sex. Doesn't matter WHAT your wife's condition might be. The fact you have not found some solution in *4 years* convinces me that you need a new therapist. Not for her, but for you. I am being 100% serious: you need serious help for whatever your own issues allow you to stay sexless for *4 years*.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Hit her with divorce papers and hit the door. When she sees you walking away with her financial support she will remember where she put her vagina.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Being an attentive husband while she gives you no sex is called "rewarding bad behaviour". 


You are in a tough situation since getting her on meds may lower her sex drive even more but right now it's not working so I would make it a deal breaker. 

Tell her get to a dr. now. If she still refuses you need to make it clear that you're not going to stay in a sexless marriage. If she still does not care, go see a lawyer and get advice on where you stand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HaveDepressedWifeNoSex (Nov 3, 2014)

Thank you for all the advise. Really I just wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy or selfish for thinking the way I do. 

She is on meds, plenty of them! She is seeing a psychiatrist. But I need to force her to see her therapist. The Dr. only prescribes and offers very little therapy time.

My biggest fear is not really for her, but for my son. Boys need their father around as much as possible and I cannot bear only raising him every other weekend. I know that this is not written in stone but every lawyer I spoke to says that the most likely scenario is that she will get custody unless I can prove she is unfit, which I cannot.

Looks like I will continue to try to get her to the therapist, since my boy is more important then the sex or intimacy. Thanks again for the advice, I do feel better that I am not crazy.


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## HaveDepressedWifeNoSex (Nov 3, 2014)

Nope, nothing......


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Your wife most likely as what it called hypoactive sexual desire disorder. Hypoactive sexual desire disorder is defined as the deficiency of sexual fantasies/thoughts, and/or desire for, or receptivity to, sexual activity that causes personal distress. 

Our society looks like this today. Only 48% of percent of American house today are traditional families compare to 1950 when it was 78%. In 1950 women did not have the right to divorce their husbands. Divorce rate has been above 50% since the 1970’s when women got the right to divorce in all states. Adultery is the leading cause of divorce. 54% of married women commit adultery, 57% for men. It is safe to say women committing adultery are not sexual dysfunctional, they still enjoy sex!... 43% percent of American women are sexually dysfunctional, they don’t enjoy sex anymore! Add them up if you dare! Sexless marriage is estimated at 20% or more, nobody really knows. 

Our society/culture has taken the one of the few animals that has sex for pure pleasure, and brainwashed (cultural sexual imprinting) it into to thinking it is monogamous to insure our paternity. We have put women in cultural sexual cage and we wonder why they become sexual dysfunctional. Female sexual dysfunction is an epidemic in this county and worth billions of dollars to lawyers, counselors, therapy’s, drug companies, and to anybody preaching American traditional family values. 


Imagine if women had sex with lots of men and gave birth to a child without knowing whom the father was. Would all those men protect her and her child? What if a whole community of people had promiscuous women and nobody knew paternity. Would all the men protect all the women and children? What if women used sex to gain favors and keep peace? Years of evolution made women sexually promiscuous to ensure survival. Women conspire with each to help raise children. After giving birth women would need help for food and shelter and have no interest in sex for years because of the burden of raising a child. Other women would have make up the new mothers lack of sexual desire with men wanting sex daily. A sexually frustrated man can be very dangerous animal. Women evolved to become multi-orgasmic and can have sex for hours with several men. Older women (cougars) love this responsibility to keep the young men satisfied giving them great worth to the community. Women used sex to bond a community together to ensure survival. 

Your wife’s sexuality is like a caged wild cat slowing losing the ability to stock prey and catch it! If the cat stays in the cage long enough it can't survive in its natural habitat. Your wife is no different she can't survive she not in her natural habitat. 

She can no longer satisfy you or her, blames herself for the family falling apart and is extremely depressed! She needs support form a loving community to help her raise children and satisfied your needs. Sorry you won’t find any advise here that is going to fix your wife. Your just one of the statistics stated above!... maybe my numbers are false, God I hope so!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Melvynman said:


> Your wife most likely as what it called hypoactive sexual desire disorder. Hypoactive sexual desire disorder is defined as the deficiency of sexual fantasies/thoughts, and/or desire for, or receptivity to, sexual activity that causes personal distress.
> 
> Our society looks like this today. Only 48% of percent of American house today are traditional families compare to 1950 when it was 78%. In 1950 women did not have the right to divorce their husbands. Divorce rate has been above 50% since the 1970’s when women got the right to divorce in all states. Adultery is the leading cause of divorce. 54% of married women commit adultery, 57% for men. It is safe to say women committing adultery are not sexual dysfunctional, they still enjoy sex!... 43% percent of American women are sexually dysfunctional, they don’t enjoy sex anymore! Add them up if you dare! Sexless marriage is estimated at 20% or more, nobody really knows.
> 
> ...



Do you think a person who HAS to have sex with multiple people is not having their "needs" met, or is their something in their brain which simply cannot be fed, that they would have to be "responsible" in order to change and not be like that.

I too, could raise up my man-***** levels to the moon, saying and doing whatever I have to do to bone all those around me.

I don't do it because I know it will cause lot of trouble, and also make a lot of ladies mad.

I learned that monogomy and an airtight relationship can be the most fulfilling kind.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

All the medication she is on can be a libido killer also.
In my opinion life is too short to be putting up with this.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

HaveDepressedWifeNoSex said:


> Hello All,
> 
> Not only am I new to this forum, I am new to forums completely so forgive me any faux pas.
> 
> ...


Sex and orgasmic bliss staves off depression. It's probably the best thing for her even if she doesn't realize it.

I know she probably feels everyone wants something from her, baby, you others, etc. So she's probably in her mind not wanting to "give" it.


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