# Kids won't stay in their beds at night



## UGADawgs79

Ok I know I'm not the only one who has spent countless hours searching the web trying to figure out the best method of keeping our children in their beds, but I am desperate to find out how this can be accomplished. I have a 5 year old, 3 year old, and 1 year old. My 5 year old has never slept all night in his room. We start out by tucking him in and saying good night and then sit out in the hall until he falls asleep. Sure enough, a few hours later, he is up and in our bed room down stairs. We have since set up the futon bed for him to crawl into when he comes down at night. While this may not be the best solution, at least he is sleeping by himself. My 3 year old daughter started out great and slept all night in her bed. She would occasionally get out and come in our room, but since we moved into our house a few weeks ago, she wakes up every night and climbs into our bed. She lays on my wife's hair and kicks me in the face. We've both reached our limit and are committed to changing their middle of the night habits. I have tried treats, prizes, trips to Toys R Us, etc and none have worked. We even got my 5 year old a brand new bunk bed that he says he loves. My 1 year old sleeps all night most of the nights but I don't want to try the cry it out method with the others in fear of waking the baby up. HELP! :scratchhead:


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## CandieGirl

This may sound cruel...but have you tried making sure they can't get out of their rooms? Take everything out that is a possible hazard, and install a hook on the outside of the door. Worst case scenario you'll have to go in after they've fallen asleep and transfer them from floor to bed.

A friend of ours has a 2 year old, who also has never slept the night in his own room on his own, began refusing to sleep in his crib around the age of 1. Now she is stuck going to bed with him every night, and if she tries to get up, he wakes up and cries. We can't even use the washroom at their place when the kid's trying to sleep!


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## Sameold

Try consistently--and it'll take quite a while, since they've got the habit--getting up and taking the child back to their own bed. It took a couple months with my youngest when he was done nursing to get used to sleeping without us.
When your son comes down, you say "It's time for you to be asleep in bed," take him by the hand and take him back to his bed, cover him up, say "Good night" and leave again--no more kisses, drinks, fun stuff. Nothing that a kid might consider more rewarding than sleeping in his own bed. I think you've got a situation where your kid has a habit that he finds rewarding, what you'll have to do is remove whatever reward he finds in it and redirect the habit.
Your three-year-old is dealing with moving--her situation is different in cause, but you don't want her to get the same habit as her brother has, so, when she comes in, it's back to her own bed--she probably just needs to be reassured that Mommy and Daddy are still around, since you're not in the same place relative to her that you used to be.
Crying it out is generally used with much younger children--there shouldn't be any reason why they'd cry when taken back to their own beds: they're big enough to understand that this is where they sleep at. 
Now, my five-year-old did crawl in with us last night, but he had a pretty good excuse: he'd wet his bed. And he asked before getting in, it was five am and I wasn't about to get up and change his bed. You want to end up with the flexibility to deal with nightmares, influenza, and accidents the way that's most convenient for your situation, without the child spending normal nights in your room.


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## Almostrecovered

CandieGirl said:


> This may sound cruel...but have you tried making sure they can't get out of their rooms?* Take everything out that is a possible hazard, and install a hook on the outside of the door. *Worst case scenario you'll have to go in after they've fallen asleep and transfer them from floor to bed.
> 
> A friend of ours has a 2 year old, who also has never slept the night in his own room on his own, began refusing to sleep in his crib around the age of 1. Now she is stuck going to bed with him every night, and if she tries to get up, he wakes up and cries. We can't even use the washroom at their place when the kid's trying to sleep!


you'll get a panicked kid kicking and screaming and it is also a big fire hazard safety issue to do this

what needs to be done is just have to be firm with constantly escorting the child back into his or her after they come down to your room. Don't get angry or upset, just be calm and firm and most importantly consistent. It'll be rough for a week or two (but they'll eventually come down less) and you're definitely lose sleep but its worse as they get older. ....Plus it'll keep your sex life more active if they aren't in the room so it will pay off in the long run.


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## UGADawgs79

Sameold said:


> Try consistently--and it'll take quite a while, since they've got the habit--getting up and taking the child back to their own bed. It took a couple months with my youngest when he was done nursing to get used to sleeping without us.
> When your son comes down, you say "It's time for you to be asleep in bed," take him by the hand and take him back to his bed, cover him up, say "Good night" and leave again--no more kisses, drinks, fun stuff. Nothing that a kid might consider more rewarding than sleeping in his own bed. I think you've got a situation where your kid has a habit that he finds rewarding, what you'll have to do is remove whatever reward he finds in it and redirect the habit.
> Your three-year-old is dealing with moving--her situation is different in cause, but you don't want her to get the same habit as her brother has, so, when she comes in, it's back to her own bed--she probably just needs to be reassured that Mommy and Daddy are still around, since you're not in the same place relative to her that you used to be.
> Crying it out is generally used with much younger children--there shouldn't be any reason why they'd cry when taken back to their own beds: they're big enough to understand that this is where they sleep at.
> Now, my five-year-old did crawl in with us last night, but he had a pretty good excuse: he'd wet his bed. And he asked before getting in, it was five am and I wasn't about to get up and change his bed. You want to end up with the flexibility to deal with nightmares, influenza, and accidents the way that's most convenient for your situation, without the child spending normal nights in your room.


It is really hard for us to be consistent when we are already both exhausted  We both are trying to be a team and realize what the greater picture is.
I had pondered the idea of putting a gate in front of the door but I was concerned about the fire hazard issue. My oldest is old enough to take the gate down and my daughter would just kick and scream at it. I have tried it before but to no avail. Sometimes they come in and crawl in the bed and we don't even realize it. It's even especially harder when I get up at 5:30 am to go to work


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## LovesHerMan

Escorting them back to their beds over and over again is the approach that SuperNanny uses. It will work eventually, but it will wear both of you out.

This is a situation that calls for spanking. You can't use Time Outs; there is no logical consequence that can be applied. This first time I ever spanked my daughter was when she was 2, and refused to stay in her bed. You just need 1 swat, obviously no beatings. The look on her face said it all: she now understood that I meant business. I had to do it the next night as well, but I never had a problem after that.

I understand why people dislike spanking, and it can be misused by people who let themselves get out of control. However, used judiciously, it is an effective tool to tell the child that there are behaviors that will not be tolerated.

It stops the power struggle cold. Kids know when they are misbehaving, and it lets them know that you love them enough to be the leader in the family.


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## Almostrecovered

lovesherman said:


> This is a situation that calls for spanking.


No


let's just put aside the very real disagreement I have with your philosophy on spanking and I'll pretend spanking is acceptable for argument's sake


Spanking will wake the child up more and their resolve to stay up or get into the room will go up. The key is to be calm and firm. And I know it's a pain in the ass to lose sleep doing this, but that's what parents do and eventually the child will yield to their parent's resolve. Using hitting as an easy out to get sleep is absurd and doesn't work. The truth is is that it should have been done from age 6 months to a year old. I did this with my boys and on occasion they have tried to get into our bedrooms to sleep but I just escorted them right back and the occasions are rare.


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## LovesHerMan

It worked for us. It's not the only disciplinary tool, but I think it should be considered to end a situation where the child keeps testing your resolve.


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## Almostrecovered

the evidence against spanking is overwhelmingly endorsed by doctors, psychiatrists, social workers and child care specialists. I prefer to do some actual parenting than to ever hit them.


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## WhereAmI

I would continue taking them back to bed at night with the statement, "Night time is my special time to be alone in my bed. Tomorrow you will spend extra time in your room to make up for the time it takes to bring you to bed." Follow through the next morning. "I was looking forward to having fun with you this morning. You need to spend -- minutes in your room. I'll come get you then" The trick to this is that you need to have FUN while they're in their room. If they can hear the fun, even better. After room time is over you invite them to join the family and say, "I missed you this morning. Hopefully you will make a different choice tonight. I'd love to spend tomorrow morning with you!" 

If they don't stay in bed, repeat the process. If they do, let them know you're glad they made that choice so you can have fun in the morning. Most importantly, make sure you HAVE FUN! This is just a typical power struggle. Staying calm and showing them they have the power to make the choice often makes the difference. Either way they end up in bed, but if they don't get out at all they also get a fun morning! They'll catch on quickly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UGADawgs79

I refuse to spank my children in any circumstance...


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## unbelievable

Assuming you already have developed a peaceful, predictable bedtime routine (same time, same sequence of events), the next step is to make sure the kid is tired enough to sleep all night. Try taking your child to the park in the evenings or on long walks. Get them tired. No stimulating TV or video games. At home, it's supper, relaxing bath, jammies, story, and lights out. Worn out, the kid will likely sleep through the night alone. When they do, make a big fuss, tell them how grown-up they are and how proud you are. After a while, they'll associate sleeping in their own bed as "big kid" action and sleeping with mom as "baby" action. Beyond that, I'd resist the temptation of locking their door or spanking. You want bedtime to be relaxing and pleasant, not traumatic. If the kid crawls into your bed, pick them up and gently carry them back to their own. Don't stress over this. Almost no 18 year olds sleep with their parents. Even if you do nothing, they will eventually quit crawling into your bed.


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## Nikki1023

Hey..heres your number 1 problem. You don't reward kids for doing what they're supposed to do. Def takes away their inner drive to do anything, unless they feel as if they are getting something back in return...big problem. But you can fix that. 

Bed and bath time in my house..has always been and will always be serious business. They take their bath..they floss and brush their teeth..we read a book..I tuck them in..we say prayers..I play classical music, and that's the end of it.

My 3 and a half year old is starting to have nightmares ( such as snowmen trying to steal all of the snow outside) and finds her way into my room in the middle of the night. I comfort her, hug her, if shes I see it in her eyes that shes really scared let her lay in my bed for 2 minutes..then escort her back to her room, tuck her in..kiss her and thats it. If she does it a second time, Im more stern. 

Good luck..but consistency is def the key.


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## Sameold

Yeah, it's exhausting, but it's less exhausting in the long run than having the kid in bed with you. Just keep repeating that to yourself when the child comes in and you have to get up.
I promise you I understand being exhausted. If you wake up and kid's already crawled in with you--five-thirty, whatever, take them back then. If you were that soundly asleep, maybe they've only been there five minutes.


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## UGADawgs79

We went to bed at 11 last night and of course around 11:15 my 5 year old comes down stairs and goes straight to the futon and falls back asleep. A few hours later, my 3 year old comes in and crawls in the bed with us. She ended up kicking me in the nose so I think I have finally had enough. Tonight will be the night they definitely go back to their beds. We definitely have a night time routine but I think the move into a new house may have thrown them off.


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## Nikki1023

Almostrecovered said:


> the evidence against spanking is overwhelmingly endorsed by doctors, psychiatrists, social workers and child care specialists. I prefer to do some actual parenting than to ever hit them.


Interesting statement. I read this book Called Why Gender Matters..cant remember the author..but if your thinking about spanking or anyone who does spank..please read it. Tons of evidence saying how a spanking for a boy is productive in some situations..but for a girl could be overwhelmingly damaging. 

I am against spanking 100%..but I have two girls, so it didnt effect me whatsoever. But for all you guys raising little men..or if anyone does spank..check it out.


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## ZeroCool

Some kids are just not sleepers. I have three kiddoes, ages 14, 11 and 8. 

My oldest was NOT the textbook baby sleeper. She would barely squeak out 5 hours a night and had cut out all naps by 1 years. She is still that way. We sort of set ourselves up with her, as my husband was deploying a lot and she would sleep with me. By the time we decided No More, we were already facing an uphill battle that we didn't completely settle the matter until she was 4. If we locked the door, she would literally sleep on the floor outside the room. I think she just finally thought, "hey..this isn't so great" and started sleeping in her own bed. Leaving music on softly helped, too. As an infant, she could NOT sleep in absolute quiet. We used to leave the Weather Channel on low volume all night.

My son can climb into bed, throw the covers over his head (he used to do that as a baby and it's so funy that he still does it at 11 y/o) and be out in under a minute. But, he once spent a summer break sleeping on the living room couch, and still does from time to time on weekends. I really don't see the issue of your daughter sleeping on the futon. 

Now, my 8 y/o is STILL a middle of the night, crawl into bed with us type. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that last year, she broker her leg badly in two places, had to have surgery, and was laid up for weeks. For convenience and to help her, we set her up in our room. She's better in that it's not every night anymore, but I figure there is something she is still anxious about with respect to her injury, and she'll work it out in time. It IS hard to draw the line between understanding, and then indulging when she should be moving on. We're working on that.

None of this really phased hubby and I, as it didn't impact intimacy (you just gotta get creative) so I know our approach of time and patience isn't for everybody.


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## lisa3girls

UGADawgs79 said:


> It is really hard for us to be consistent when we are already both exhausted  We both are trying to be a team and realize what the greater picture is.
> I had pondered the idea of putting a gate in front of the door but I was concerned about the fire hazard issue. My oldest is old enough to take the gate down and my daughter would just kick and scream at it. I have tried it before but to no avail. Sometimes they come in and crawl in the bed and we don't even realize it. It's even especially harder when I get up at 5:30 am to go to work


Ok, why does everyone see a gate or a door with a hook and eye as a huge fire hazard but a kid trapped in a crib is normal operating procedure. Frankly, I felt when my kids were youngish, it was better that we knew EXACTLY where they were in case of a fire (or other emergency)-- not wandering around the house someplace.


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## UGADawgs79

lisa3girls said:


> Ok, why does everyone see a gate or a door with a hook and eye as a huge fire hazard but a kid trapped in a crib is normal operating procedure. Frankly, I felt when my kids were youngish, it was better that we knew EXACTLY where they were in case of a fire (or other emergency)-- not wandering around the house someplace.


Where else do you recommend a 1 year old sleep? He's not ready for a toddler bed yet.


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