# And another one bites the dust after 27 years...



## Table41 (Mar 15, 2012)

Hi everyone, I've been lurking for several weeks now and thought I would finally jump in. My wife and I have been married since I was 19 and she was 18. We dated for 3 months and she got pregnant and within two years we had two wonderful boys who are now grown and live in different states.

I'm not good with the abbreviations yet, in November my wife rocked me with the Walk Away Bride syndrome. Looking back, I feel stupid in now. We fell into a steady routine. During the week, she wanted to go out to a local bar 3 to 4 times a week with friends always asked if I wanted to go, but I usually just wanted to relax and unwind from working all day. On the weekend, I wood either play golf or go fishing. We would go out for dinner on Saturday's, but would come home with enough time for her to meet up with friends at the local bar. I was grateful to not have to go (bars and loud music are tough for me giving a loss of hearing...I wear hearing aids). We began to have different lives, we didn't fight much, and I thought things were fine.

In November she said she wanted to be happy and needed time to find out what that was for her. She made it very clear the marriage was not making here happy and the fact that I never go out with her to party with friends was a big part of her unhappiness. She said she wants to have fun and being around people makes her happy. She wanted time to figure things out. I moved into the basement through the holidays but could see I would make things worse by confronting her if I stayed in the house while she went out all the time.

I moved to an apartment a few miles away in January. After three months of being separated, I asked her today if she was any closer to finding out what makes her happy. She kept referring to the last year of our marriage as what she didn't want, but regardless of what I said about how we'll need to work together to prevent that from reoccurring, she still wanted more time. I did ask if there was another man and she said there wasn't. While I believe her, I'm also a realist. I'm sure she's been hit on in the bar and all her friends are also divorced or separated (hmmm... all her friends are divorced...could be a clue). It might be a matter of time before there is OM. As she describes what makes her happy, its someone who likes to go out, socialize, and drink to get drunk. She's known me for 27 hears and she knows I'm an introvert, I like to be with a few close people, and I can't carry on a conversation in a bar. Guess I'm not what makes her happy...that's pretty clear.

I told her since, in three months, we're no closer to a decision, I wanted to file for a divorce (hoping this will snap her back out of this mid life crisis...another stupid decision on my part). She said if that's what I want, then do it. She would not be pushed to make a decision.

That's my story... I left out some details to keep the length in check. No one I know is aware of my separation. It kind of feels good to tell someone.

Thanks for reading.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Separation is often used to live like a single person while having the option to go back to the marriage if things don't turn out like planned. Meanwhile the left behind spouse waits hoping that his/her spouse will come to his/her senses and return to them. Sadly this can drag out for years until one or the other finally makes the move to file for divorce.

It is obvious that you do not want a divorce and that you want your wife back ,so be it. But please understand that it will do you no good to continue with things as they have been going for the last 3 months. As you already realized, the chances that she has become involved with another man are significantly great and that she may want to end the marriage to be with him but is denying that she is to avoid causing you pain - as though the separation was any easy, right?

It's your life and your call. I hope you choose wisely.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Our early history and timing are very similar. My H is having a midlife crisis (or so it seems) and chose to walk out on our family. It doesn't make sense to me how they can walk out on such a long history and love. I am more extroverted as well, but my introverted H has checked out of the marriage for more than a year (I thought it was just one of those valleys in a marriage).

Mine wanted out right after Tgiving, then moved out after holidays.... I am looking at filing because he has shown no sign of wanting to work on 'us' at all (just the opposite).

I am sorry you are here. Have you gone to no contact? Have you been working the 180?


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I'm sorry to see you here, but you've come to a great place for support. I, too, was in a long-term marriage (23 years) when my husband decided he wanted to "go it alone". I think you'll get equal feedback from some saying to go ahead and file, show her you're not going to sit around while she dilly-dallies. I, on the other hand, am of the thinking to let them deal with it (the separation and divorce filings). This wasn't my idea therefore I refuse to do all the hard work of paperwork and whatnot. It sounds like she's in the midst of a MLC that may or may not end soon. You just have to make the decision if you're willing to wait this out or not.


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## Table41 (Mar 15, 2012)

morituri said:


> Separation is often used to live like a single person while having the option to go back to the marriage if things don't turn out like planned. Meanwhile the left behind spouse waits hoping that his/her spouse will come to his/her senses and return to them. Sadly this can drag out for years until one or the other finally makes the move to file for divorce.
> 
> It is obvious that you do not want a divorce and that you want your wife back ,so be it. But please understand that it will do you no good to continue with things as they have been going for the last 3 months. As you already realized, the chances that she has become involved with another man are significantly great and that she may want to end the marriage to be with him but is denying that she is to avoid causing you pain - as though the separation was any easy, right?
> 
> It's your life and your call. I hope you choose wisely.


Morituri...ironic...in our conversation today...she mentioned that she never got to go out to bars when she was younger...I agree she has the best of both worlds...testing single life, with me waiting if it doesn't work out. My pride got the better of me today

Thanks for your reply!


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## Table41 (Mar 15, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> Our early history and timing are very similar. My H is having a midlife crisis (or so it seems) and chose to walk out on our family. It doesn't make sense to me how they can walk out on such a long history and love. I am more extroverted as well, but my introverted H has checked out of the marriage for more than a year (I thought it was just one of those valleys in a marriage).
> 
> Mine wanted out right after Tgiving, then moved out after holidays.... I am looking at filing because he has shown no sign of wanting to work on 'us' at all (just the opposite).
> 
> I am sorry you are here. Have you gone to no contact? Have you been working the 180?


Momatomany...the timing is very similar. My wife admits she maybe having a midlife crisis. I was an idiot to let he go out all those night last year. I was just glad she had friends to spend time with and I didn't have to go out. Duh! 

We text frequently and see each other every couple of weeks. We are keeping our S a secret from our boys and family who all live in another state. What is a 180?

Thanks for your response.


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## Table41 (Mar 15, 2012)

Justabovewater...thanks. I'm still debating .... To file or not to file. I'm still working it in my mind. Unfortunately, One of her party friends is a lawyer. I should just maker her file. I'm probably going to get hosed either way. Thanks for your post and support.


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## Chrysalis (Mar 20, 2012)

I'd say don't file. Make her shoulder the moral failing of filing divorce because you aren't hitting the bars enough. She's acting like a boss who wants an employee to quit so as to avoid a more emotionally-difficuly process of firing him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Table41 (Mar 15, 2012)

Chrysalis said:


> I'd say don't file. Make her shoulder the moral failing of filing divorce because you aren't hitting the bars enough. She's acting like a boss who wants an employee to quit so as to avoid a more emotionally-difficuly process of firing him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Chrysalis, thanks. I hadn't thought of making her shoulder burden of the moral failure of the marriage. If I file, I'll forever be the one who will be the blame. Hadn't thought of it that way before. Thanks!


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

morituri said:


> *Separation is often used to live like a single person while having the option to go back to the marriage if things don't turn out like planned. Meanwhile the left behind spouse waits hoping that his/her spouse will come to his/her senses and return to them. Sadly this can drag out for years until one or the other finally makes the move to file for divorce.*
> It is obvious that you do not want a divorce and that you want your wife back ,so be it. But please understand that it will do you no good to continue with things as they have been going for the last 3 months. As you already realized, the chances that she has become involved with another man are significantly great and that she may want to end the marriage to be with him but is denying that she is to avoid causing you pain - as though the separation was any easy, right?
> 
> It's your life and your call. I hope you choose wisely.



I would definitely communicate all the ins and outs of any separation. My wife said it was to determine whether she missed me or not. She didn't say 1 way or another. She misses the nights when the children aren't with her (same with me, vice versa).


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hold true to your stance of filing in 3 months if she still needs "time".

My husband left me for 3 months, saying almost the same things as your wife...but after the first week, he was over four nights a week at least and we started building back. He moved home after 3 months and it's been great.

Had he not done that...I don't know what I would have done. I would, however, put on my grownup pants and filed divorce. He can find happiness being single...and pay me child support.

I'm sorry you're going through it. It's such a sucker punch.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Table41 said:


> What is a 180?


Here is a link to *The 180 degree rules*.


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