# is it ok to be close with a married lady?



## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

is it ok to be close with a married lady?
i have some things in common because she is only 4 years older.
her mother died a few years ago and my mother died this year!
she is talking to me A LOT because she is home all day and i am too so is it all ok to be close with her or is her husband going to beat me up?
maybe i am paranoid because she has very attractive features but i don't want her husband to think i'm having an affair with her. 
any advice is welcome to me thank you


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ahhh, nope. Not ok. Stop.


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## hurts more than i realise (Nov 20, 2015)

depends on the husband and your intentions.You also havent stated your situation. Are you married? are you single.It may all start out as harmless friendship but over times feelings may develop.

If you are married have you asked your wife how she feels about it.


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Ahhh, nope. Not ok. Stop.


which things am i allowed?


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

hurts more than i realise said:


> depends on the husband and your intentions.You also havent stated your situation. Are you married? are you single.It may all start out as harmless friendship but over times feelings may develop.
> 
> If you are married have you asked your wife how she feels about it.


i'm 18 and i live with my dad but he's at work.
i'm at work during nightshift so i'm home during the day.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Ahhh, nope. Not ok. Stop.



Agreed. A friend of mine was telling me that this is sometimes a problem in Alcoholics Anonymous. That people try to befriend someone of the other sex at a time when they know they are vulnerable.

There is strength in numbers. Try to find a group that deals with bereavement. I saw a bereavement department at the hospital. Maybe there's one at a hospital near you. At a church; some other community group.

this is a good time to start consciously thinking about the difference between strong behavior and weak behavior.

Also,one of my mantras is "the fewer roles that anyone person holds in your life, the easier that relationship will be."

If you start out depending on this woman as a support for your bereavement; then you have sex with her; then her husband kicks you out......... what are you going to do about your first need. 

Find some one / group to help you with your bereavement and look for your lovers elsewhere. You won't be so needy, and that will be attractive.


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## hurts more than i realise (Nov 20, 2015)

then i would say its a definite no no. Realistically any man is going to get protective over his wife having cosy little chit chats with another man. Some other man empathising with his wife, being her shoulder to cry on, have a little comfort cuddle now and then and before you know it you are in my situation and they are having an affair.

Personally i havent smashed his head in ( yet) however i will be seeing him soon and am concerned as to how i will react in a packed room of about 600 people all in gala dinners when he smugly shakes my hand and attempts to give my wife his usual greeting of a kiss and a little hug as they are just friends....


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> Agreed. A friend of mine was telling me that this is sometimes a problem in Alcoholics Anonymous. That people try to befriend someone of the other sex at a time when they know they are vulnerable.
> 
> There is strength in numbers. Try to find a group that deals with bereavement. I saw a bereavement department at the hospital. Maybe there's one at a hospital near you. At a church; some other community group.
> 
> ...


thanks that makes sense i see.
ok but how do i stop having chats without being mean?
she is in the backyard a lot cos of her pool and she talks when i play with my dog.


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

hurts more than i realise said:


> then i would say its a definite no no. Realistically any man is going to get protective over his wife having cosy little chit chats with another man. Some other man empathising with his wife, being her shoulder to cry on, have a little comfort cuddle now and then and before you know it you are in my situation and they are having an affair.
> 
> Personally i havent smashed his head in ( yet) however i will be seeing him soon and am concerned as to how i will react in a packed room of about 600 people all in gala dinners when he smugly shakes my hand and attempts to give my wife his usual greeting of a kiss and a little hug as they are just friends....


is it ok if i talk to her over the fence or is it too cosy.
she swims in her pool and when i go into the backyard she comes to the fence.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The rule I use is to never do or say anything I wouldn't do with my wife right there. Don't say or do anything with this woman you wouldn't do with her husband watching.

You don't have to be rude to her. But you also don't have to be friendly. Keep it a bit formal and detached. 

She is probably good looking in the bathing suit, and she knows you find her attractive when she watches how you look at her. Yet she still engages you when she is wearing the bathing suit. This says to me she is not putting up boundaries herself. It doesn't mean she is wanting to screw you, but it does mean she isn't guarding her marriage as strongly as she should. I would feel a lot more comfortable if she stayed away from the fence when she was wearing the bathing suit. I would feel more comfortable if she would wrap in a towel before coming closer. Those sorts of behaviors indicate a barrier.

If she isn't good with creating boundaries, you have a moral obligation to be careful yourself. You have no right to her affections! And thus you have an obligation to guard against unintentionally creating a situation where boundaries could be breached.

I would say you should never go into her yard or house without being in the immediate presence of her husband. Keep any such visits quite short. Keep your distance a bit in the backyard.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

marriage_student said:


> thanks that makes sense i see.
> ok but how do i stop having chats without being mean?
> she is in the backyard a lot cos of her pool and she talks when i play with my dog.



If you insist that you drop in when her husband is around, either she will comply or she will stop talking to you. Either way, she will get the message.


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> If you insist that you drop in when her husband is around, either she will comply or she will stop talking to you. Either way, she will get the message.


do you mean i should ignore her when she talks at the fence and i should ask if i can come over after 6pm when her husband arrives home from work? i've never been in her house, just talked at the fence a lot and sometimes at her backyard pool/


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

marriage_student said:


> do you mean i should ignore her when she talks at the fence and i should ask if i can come over after 6pm when her husband arrives home from work? i've never been in her house, just talked at the fence a lot and sometimes at her backyard pool/



Chit chatwith her for a little bit. Give her a reason why you need to go after a few minutes. If she invites you over, ask when her husband is home, you would like to see him as well.

Let's put it this way, when I was younger and clueless, I at first thought nothing was wrong when female friends insisted that we get together when my husband was available -- and only then.

I've become less clueless, but still. It goes to show you , when people want something, they are not afraid to ask for it. And neither should you.


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

Thor said:


> The rule I use is to never do or say anything I wouldn't do with my wife right there. Don't say or do anything with this woman you wouldn't do with her husband watching.
> 
> You don't have to be rude to her. But you also don't have to be friendly. Keep it a bit formal and detached.
> 
> ...


her husbands home after 6pm on weekdays but hes home all day mostly on weekends.
i really like her her bathing suit cos its white and you can see through it a bit. i'm not planning to try anything on her, but i just like looking.
but if its wrong then i will only talk to her if her swimsuit is covered i guess.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Marriage Student, here's a song for you:

Fountains of Wayne - Stacy's Mom

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZLfasMPOU4


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

Why does this poster remind me of the creepy guy that asks weird dating questions all the time?


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> Marriage Student, here's a song for you:
> 
> Fountains of Wayne - Stacy's Mom
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZLfasMPOU4


thanks that footage is very very very good :nerd:


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

EnigmaGirl said:


> Why does this poster remind me of the creepy guy that asks weird dating questions all the time?


i've never been on a date so its not me.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Anything that would give the husband the reason to believe something inappropriate is going on would not be advisable. The perception that something sexual is going on is always going to be assumed in situations like this.


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## hurts more than i realise (Nov 20, 2015)

the fact that you are already looking forward to seeing her in her partial see thorugh swimsuit says it all. There is already a sexual element in your posts let alone the way your eyes casually drop over the see through part when you are talking to her and believe me a few things

1 she notices it
2 she is waiting for you to notice it
3 she is enjoying you noticing it.
4 one of you will eventually succumb

SHe is either playing with fire and looking for some ego boost or she is now starting to slowly play with you until she gets what she wants.


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> Anything that would give the husband the reason to believe something inappropriate is going on would not be advisable. The perception that something sexual is going on is always going to be assumed in situations like this.


i'll definitely avoid any of the things that make him think something sexual is going on.
some men shoot dead other men for this kind of thing.
i just have to hope that she doesn't say anything to him that makes him think evil.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

marriage_student said:


> her husbands home after 6pm on weekdays but hes home all day mostly on weekends.
> i really like her her bathing suit cos its white and you can see through it a bit. i'm not planning to try anything on her, but i just like looking.
> but if its wrong then i will only talk to her if her swimsuit is covered i guess.


She knows you can see through her bathing suit a bit. She gets a thrill out of knowing you're looking at her.

You're in dangerous territory. She may have no intention of doing anything with you, or maybe she is open to the idea even if it is subconscious.

The right thing to do is for you to disconnect from her. You're going to start getting the wrong idea. As a former 18 yr old male I can assure you of this!

Do you value the relationship you have with her in terms of being able to discuss the loss of your mother? Is this a support you can find elsewhere or don't really need at all?


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## hurts more than i realise (Nov 20, 2015)

do they have security cameras in the back garden as he may already be watching both of you.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

I think she does not have a good relationship with her husband for whatever reason and is looking to get a thrill and an ego boost elsewhere. Maybe not go all the way with you, but just tease you.
Stay away because you might get messed up in the mind.


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

hurts more than i realise said:


> the fact that you are already looking forward to seeing her in her partial see thorugh swimsuit says it all. There is already a sexual element in your posts let alone the way your eyes casually drop over the see through part when you are talking to her and believe me a few things
> 
> 1 she notices it
> 2 she is waiting for you to notice it
> ...


i've never had a gf or date even so its hard to believe she likes me that way. she probably did not buy her swimsuit because of me. it would be great if you are right about her wanting me! not that i would risk getting into trouble. but great if she wants me in bed in her mind.


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

nirvana said:


> I think she does not have a good relationship with her husband for whatever reason and is looking to get a thrill and an ego boost elsewhere. Maybe not go all the way with you, but just tease you.
> Stay away because you might get messed up in the mind.


ok i will not go to the fence if she is in the swimsuit :/
her husband is at work all day so maybe she just misses a man's touch so is frisky?


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

hurts more than i realise said:


> do they have security cameras in the back garden as he may already be watching both of you.


i haven't seen cameras but i haven't touched her i've just layed my eyes on her.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

marriage_student said:


> ok i will not go to the fence if she is in the swimsuit :/
> her husband is at work all day so maybe she just misses a man's touch so is frisky?


Why aren't YOU at work all day? You're an adult.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

marriage_student said:


> i haven't seen cameras but i haven't touched her i've just layed my eyes on her.


Are you Indian/Pakistani by any chance? Your posts give me that feeling.


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Why aren't YOU at work all day? You're an adult.


i'm only at work during nightshift, so i sleep during the day but get up to play with my dog.


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

nirvana said:


> Are you Indian/Pakistani by any chance? Your posts give me that feeling.


no but i'm born in melbourne.
i haven't posted in anything but english.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

hurts more than i realise said:


> the fact that you are already looking forward to seeing her in her partial see thorugh swimsuit says it all. There is already a sexual element in your posts let alone the way your eyes casually drop over the see through part when you are talking to her and believe me a few things
> 
> *1 she notices it*
> 2 she is waiting for you to notice it
> ...


yeah, at your age, I'm sure she knows that that's not a gun in your pocket......._ if you know what I mean
_


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

marriage_student said:


> i'm 18 and i live with my dad but he's at work.
> i'm at work during nightshift so i'm home during the day.


So is this lady your Stepmom? Then **** no!!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Kid go find a girl you own age to date. Don't fool around with a married woman, no matter what signals you think she is sending you. One, it gonna mess your head up. And her husband would probably give your behind a good trashing.

Lord have mercy. Stop spying.


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> So is this lady your Stepmom? Then **** no!!


no, she's my neighbour :0
my dad has not dated since mum died.



brooklynAnn said:


> Kid go find a girl you own age to date. Don't fool around with a married woman, no matter what signals you think she is sending you. One, it gonna mess your head up. And her husband would probably give your behind a good trashing.
> 
> Lord have mercy. Stop spying.


i do not fool around with her, i just like seeing her.
if you saw her big her boobs were you'd pay to see her live. 
i'm not good at dating or finding dates etc


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

No, it's not ok to be close friends with this married lady. If you see her next to the fence, just say hello and then excuse yourself to walk your dog. Get your dog leash ready so that you can take your dog for a walk.

Stop looking at the physique of your married neighbor. This is too creepy. Go join an organization where members are close to your age or go to school.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

marriage_student,

Simple tests, 

1) would you do what you are doing with this woman if her husband were watching?

2) does she speak with you in the same way when her husband is there?

If the answer to either of these questions is NO then you already know it's wrong.

Tamat


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Sounds like a troll.


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> No, it's not ok to be close friends with this married lady. If you see her next to the fence, just say hello and then excuse yourself to walk your dog. Get your dog leash ready so that you can take your dog for a walk.
> 
> Stop looking at the physique of your married neighbor. This is too creepy. Go join an organization where members are close to your age or go to school.


she is only 4 years older so have a lot in common + her mum died too.
girls like to have cleavage though, right?



TAMAT said:


> marriage_student,
> 
> Simple tests,
> 
> ...



thanks:
1) yep, i just respond to her etc
2) i've never been with her when her husband was there.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

marriage_student said:


> she is only 4 years older so have a lot in common + her mum died too.
> girls like to have cleavage though, right?
> 
> 
> ...


Aside from the fact that I think you are a troll, this is a forum for people actually in relationships with issues. 

Looking at this and your other posts you need to go and find a teen chat group for boys who haven't yet spoken to a real woman.


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## marriage_student (Nov 24, 2015)

^ i don't think you are allowed to post that.


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