# Problematic times of day for marital sex?



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

In my marriage as I have worked through intimacy problems, one of the incompatibilities that seems to persist for us is the time of day. Particularly with regards to how sex impacts the quality of our sleep if we try at* Bedtime:*

Enjoyable sex makes me sleepy and afterwards I sleep rather well (Perfect for me)
Enjoyable sex energizes my wife and afterwards she can't sleep (Problematic for the wife)
*Mornings* don't work for us either as:

My wife experiences arousal difficulties at this time, but is willing to accommodate me if I have to have it
Mornings are not ideal for me as it leaves me feeling a bit sluggish throughout the day, but I would be game if my wife was interested at this time. 
*Mid day* is the ideal time for us as we are both most likely to enjoy it the most. However this requires planning ahead:

Busy work schedules often do not allow enough time to connect emotionally and physically during the middle of the day
Weekends tend to get overwhelmed with household chores, visiting family/friends, and unpredictable schedules
I guess this is what it is! It has taken us both a long time to recognize and accept the above. While my wife enjoys everything the most when things are spontaneous and romantic, the reality is that we have to plan in order to create opportunities for that to happen with our busy schedules. When mid-day plans fail (because of a busy or stressful day), then bedtime becomes the backup opportunity. But after a stressful day, the last thing my wife needs is additional trouble sleeping. 

Recently my wife and I have been working to improve our sleep quality by making adjustments to improve exercise and diet. Reducing stress and avoiding high calorie meals late in the day seems to play a huge role. That has been helping _some_. 

*For those of you that tend to get energized after sex and have trouble sleeping afterwards, are there things that can help with that?* While neither of us take medication regularly to help us sleep, I do notice that my wife will use an OTC solution about once a week (unrelated to our intimacy schedules). While I wince at the notion of using pharmaceutical solutions to improve our sex life, I do wonder if my wife could talk to her doctor about something to help her sleep better when we have sex around bedtime. She enjoys the intimacy, but gets frustrated afterwards with being awake almost all night. Mid day this works out because it makes her feel energized and glowing, but obviously our daily schedules often make that too complicated. 

Thanks for any thoughts and advice.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Hacker1234 (May 29, 2020)

I am reversed of you, it seems to energize me and put her to sleep. So it typically happens at bedtime, I would say about 90 percent of the time. So a lot of times after we are done, ill wait for her to sleep then ill get out of bed and do something for an hour or so.

Perhaps maybe you could plan something a couple hours before bed?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

For sleep try a good quality sleep mask. They have really helped our sleep. A white machine or app is also worth a shot.

On sex, she's mornings, I'm afternoons (we generally don't even try after dinner), nothing wrong with some 68. I'll get her in the AM and she'll get me later in the day.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hacker1234 said:


> I am reversed of you, it seems to energize me and put her to sleep. So it typically happens at bedtime, I would say about 90 percent of the time. So a lot of times after we are done, ill wait for her to sleep then ill get out of bed and do something for an hour or so.
> 
> Perhaps maybe you could plan something a couple hours before bed?


A couple of hours before bed has never seemed to work for some reason. That has always coincided with family time. I guess once the kids are off to college we can explore that option. 

For my wife being awake for just an hour or so afterwards wouldn't be a big deal. For her she ends up awake for an extra four to five hours and then only gets one-two hours sleep. I pass out about 15 minutes afterwards.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

CharlieParker said:


> For sleep try a good quality sleep mask. They have really helped our sleep. A white machine or app is also worth a shot.


I might give that a try. My wife always wants the room absolutely dark when she sleeps. If there is even one LED light on (like a set of audio speakers on standby), I have to get up and switch off the power strip.


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## Hacker1234 (May 29, 2020)

Oh you have kids LOL, yeah in that case it is very tricky and at all times. I am in the same boat, which is why we wait for them to be in bed. Trying it when they are home during the day causes some issues. My only solution to this is what I said I do, I just find a way to fall asleep. Beats the alternative of no sex.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hacker1234 said:


> Oh you have kids LOL, yeah in that case it is very tricky and at all times. I am in the same boat, which is why we wait for them to be in bed. Trying it when they are home during the day causes some issues. My only solution to this is what I said I do, I just find a way to fall asleep. Beats the alternative of no sex.


Our kids are teenagers with jobs, bank accounts, driver licenses and vehicles. If I try and wait for them to go to bed first, that involves first trying to find out where they are and what time they get home (usually bringing friends over). Thankfully the college days are just around the corner! My wife already has grand plans to rearrange the house as soon as the kids are out. Now the really nice thing about this is that sometimes we wake up, the kids are gone who knows where and we have the whole house to ourselves for the weekend. When that happens the wife and I go out on a really nice lunch date and enjoy coming home to a quiet house during the mid afternoon! 

I now totally understand those families that build a separate apartment over the garage. So that if the kids come back home after college, they can come home but not back in the house.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

"...While my wife enjoys everything the most when things are spontaneous and romantic, the reality is that we have to plan in order to create opportunities for that to happen with our busy schedules. .."

My wife is too energized after sex at night to get a good nights sleep. Melatonin helps her sleep, but it is not a perfect solution.

I agree that planning and communication is the key to making sexual needs. Also flexability is important. Typically we have sex on Wednesday morning and Saturday morning, but for lots of reasons if it is not Wednesday, Thursday is perfectly fine. The same is true that Saturday sex can turn into "not today, how about Sunday?" sex.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I am like your wife. It takes me probably another two or three hours to fall asleep. and it is usually too late at night to take sleeping pill.
I was going to suggest doing it earlier, but you have already answered that one. 
During these non-sleeping hours she should avoid any electronics. Leave the bed so it is not associates in her brain with just laying there. I woudl usually go to different room and read. 

Or, you know, stop having sex so often, let the woman get some sleep, damn it! (JK)


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

This doesn’t answer your question but I wanted to say that, I am like your wife in that I love spontaneous unplanned sex. And I think there is nothing better than a quickie mid day. So my suggestion would be for you to plan these mid day quickies, but make her feel like they are spontaneous.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> My wife is too energized after sex at night to get a good nights sleep. Melatonin helps her sleep, but it is not a perfect solution.


Thanks. We do keep some melatonin supplements in the house. From what I have read about using that, it is best limited to rare occasions here and there when your sleep cycles gets out of sync with day and night. 

I am curious now to study up on the idea if the body's ability to produce melatonin is somehow disrupted by sexual activity. That would be interesting, but I doubt there is any correlation.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> I am like your wife. It takes me probably another two or three hours to fall asleep. and it is usually too late at night to take sleeping pill.
> I was going to suggest doing it earlier, but you have already answered that one.
> During these non-sleeping hours she should avoid any electronics. Leave the bed so it is not associates in her brain with just laying there. I would usually go to different room and read.
> 
> Or, you know, stop having sex so often, let the woman get some sleep, damn it! (JK)


Your reply is much appreciated! Actually my wife does exactly as you recommend in that she will get up and go to a different room and read (sometimes TV). I am now realizing that when she reads that she always chooses to do so on her iPad Pro (the larger one) with one of those unlimited ebook subscriptions. 

So there very well could be the electronic screen associated with her reading that may be making the problem worse. 

You just gave me the perfect idea for a gift! I think I will invest in one of those electronic readers that uses reflected light instead of those bright/blue LED back lights. I'm sure she will enjoy that as she loves reading!

Thanks, 
Badsanta


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Your reply is much appreciated! Actually my wife does exactly as you recommend in that she will get up and go to a different room and read (sometimes TV). I am now realizing that when she reads that she always chooses to do so on her iPad Pro (the larger one) with one of those unlimited ebook subscriptions.
> 
> So there very well could be the electronic screen associated with her reading that may be making the problem worse.
> 
> ...


Kindle is the best for reading. no glare at all


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> This doesn’t answer your question but I wanted to say that, I am like your wife in that I love spontaneous unplanned sex. And I think there is nothing better than a quickie mid day. So my suggestion would be for you to plan these mid day quickies, but make her feel like they are spontaneous.


My wife has talked about quickies before, but in the context of taking care of me when I feel like I have to have it. When we tried that in the past the result was that she felt like she had done her part and I then had to forfeit our normal session in which we take plenty of time to connect with one another. Looking back that was when our schedules were more problematic and we both had way more stress.

So I may need to revisit that idea to see if the dynamics have changed for it to be something more positive. 

Thanks, 
Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> I am like your wife. It takes me probably another two or three hours to fall asleep. and it is usually too late at night to take sleeping pill.


So I started doing some research and came across a forum where this issue is discussed:






Can't Sleep After Sex | Sexual Intercourse & Orgasm discussions | Family Health center | SteadyHealth.com


I am a 44 year old male. I've always had a hard time sleeping right after sex. I feel like my brain is on fire and very active. This topic is answered by a medical expert.




www.steadyhealth.com





Of the 90 posts, there are many people that claim to have this issue and that it can be very problematic. For the most part there seem to be no known solutions and what causes it does not seem to be understood (at least in my research so far). Here are some highlights:

Some people think it may be associated with a condition that causes people to get a headache after sex.
For most sleeping pills will not solve this problem, but one person discovered that a dose of cough medicine seems to be the only thing to help induce sleep within 30 minutes.
Some people claim this problem is so severe that it has a tendency to cause a sexless marriage. 
One person (familiar with having lab work done) suggested that it could be related to a prolactin deficiency which counteracts testosterone (in both men and women after sex). This would suggest that the body gets revved up but that the proverbial gas pedal seems to get stuck.
A common statement was that this problem seems to get worse with age. To me that would be an indication of changing hormone balances as one grows older. 
Reflecting on the above, I don't think my wife has this problem when we were younger. Combine that with her sleep becoming a little more problematic in general and it is something that concerns me. 

Right now my solution is to avoid sex in the evening unless she can sleep late the next day (she has no problems sleeping in the next day if our schedules allow). I am also going to work together with her on our sleep hygiene to make sure she avoids electronic screens along with caffeine to better prepare for sleep. 

For now I feel better knowing that I am not the only one dealing with this problem which helps me appreciate it a little more. Looking back I think I also underestimated the potential for this to cause problems in my marriage as lack of sleep can create some serious problems with regards to busy morning schedules. 

I am going to keep researching on this as I now find it fascinating.  

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I sometimes have this problem if I am near the top of the hill. So if you think of an orgasm as a hill and when you get to the top then you have an orgasm. Sometimes I'll orgasm early in the session and then be on my way back up building to a good one when it's over. I often times am then very antsy and can't sleep. Conversely if I have a really good orgasm I am knocked out like a lightweight hit by Mike Tyson.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> I sometimes have this problem if I am near the top of the hill. So if you think of an orgasm as a hill and when you get to the top then you have an orgasm. Sometimes I'll orgasm early in the session and then be on my way back up building to a good one when it's over. I often times am then very antsy and can't sleep. Conversely if I have a really good orgasm I am knocked out like a lightweight hit by Mike Tyson.


Thanks for that insight as it will make for a good conversation with the wife on this topic. I have assumed that the more worked up she gets (along with more orgasms), the more trouble she has sleeping afterwards. Generally speaking I am good at assuming things backwards and getting it all wrong. Our problems historically involve me being too eager to please, so I have tried to tamp that down to only going for more than one when she requests it (which is about 50% of the time). So I should ask her about this to see how it correlates. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well I'd think that if she knew that was happening she would ask for a finish. But alas I don't. My hubby is attentive and I am often hard to orgasm so if I've had one and we get done even if another was building I don't push it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well I'd think that if she knew that was happening she would ask for a finish. But alas I don't. My hubby is attentive and I am often hard to orgasm so if I've had one and we get done even if another was building I don't push it.


Also from what I have been reading it seems to effect men just as equally as women. However I don't want to exacerbate the problem for her if this is an issue and she is sometimes shy to ask.

The more I read about people that have difficulty sleeping after sex I am understanding that it is a rather challenging problem to address. The main solution seems to be just avoiding sex at night. My wife enjoys it mid day as it leaves her glowing and in a good mood for the afternoon when she might otherwise feel sluggish. So that makes it into a positive.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't like it when we wait until we go to bed, I'm always exhausted by then. The last thing I want at 11pm is to walk into the bedroom to find hubby wearing a smile and a big grin on his face, lol. Depending on what our daughter is doing, we can sometimes find time before dinner.

Our favourite time is when she goes to youth group, she's out for a few hours and we can take our time a bit, and really let go. It's the quickest round trip hubby ever makes when he drops her off 🤣


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I don't like it when we wait until we go to bed, I'm always exhausted by then. The last thing I want at 11pm is to walk into the bedroom to find hubby wearing a smile and a big grin on his face, lol. Depending on what our daughter is doing, we can sometimes find time before dinner.
> 
> Our favourite time is when she goes to youth group, she's out for a few hours and we can take our time a bit, and really let go. It's the quickest round trip hubby ever makes when he drops her off 🤣


Thanks for that feedback. 🤣

Generally speaking my wife is often exhausted as well, but sometimes we are both in the mood at bedtime. If we choose to indulge and enjoy ourselves, she complains the next day of having gotten almost no sleep. If she choses to abstain, then she easily drifts off to sleep and wakes up refreshed the next day. So sometimes at night as we snuggle and spend time together, our snuggles can get heated up and then she stops and tells me that she really needs a good night's sleep and asks me to start cooling things back down. 

I do agree with you about the notion of just being tired and only wanting sleep. Those are definitely a no go! But I'm talking about the nights where I am the one that is tired, she climbs in bed feeling a bit needy, wanting a snuggle, perhaps being too playful, and then suddenly hitting the stop button once she realizes she is about to be awake all night. 

In the past I always took this as a form of her rejecting me. But now I see it for what it is. At least I am appreciating her struggle now and not taking it personally which was compounding the problem.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> This doesn’t answer your question but I wanted to say that, I am like your wife in that I love spontaneous unplanned sex. And I think there is nothing better than a quickie mid day. So my suggestion would be for you to plan these mid day quickies, but make her feel like they are spontaneous.


Following up I revisited this topic with my wife. She was very positive about it and said that I was really missing out on tons of fun by not having quickies. She claimed we could be much more active with one another if I was willing to explore that more in a way that did not disrupt our schedules. So I think I will give it another try and we gave it a go the other day. 

Now I don't want to sound awkward, but for now the notion of a quickie is all about me. She expects me to just focus on myself during this moment and not to attempt anything that might get her aroused. She seems to really enjoy knowing she can satisfy me, have it happen it fast, and she is good about owning that in a playful way. Perhaps it will grow into something more if I continue giving it a try. 

Badsanta


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