# husband cheated after 4 months of marriage



## bambi (Sep 5, 2011)

Hi all, I hope someone can guide me.

I dated my husband for 5 years before we got married a few months ago. Our relationship was good, like everyone we bicker and annoy eachother, but at the end of the day we always made up and had alot of love for one another. anyway for whatever reason i was going through his phone and found messages to some girl, they had clearly had sex. after calming down i very clearly said to his face that i knew he cheated on me, he laughed it off and ended the conversation saying i can't prove anything. 

so then i knew i had to. i therefore went to the length of obtaining proof, which took 2 days. finally confronted him with it and he could not deny, after which i went to my parents for a couple of nights.

i am devastated. its been 6 days since i found out, my emotions have just only started to calm down and i am thinking straight again. now the anger has gone i feel truly sad at what took 5 years to build is now down the toilet.

he says hes truly sorry and want to make this work. i want it back to how it was between us. but im afraid it will never be the same, and worse I don't know how we would even get there. i dont want to talk to him, i dont want to look at his face, i dont want to listen to what he says....

how much time before i will be able to have a conversation with him without wanting to punch his face in??

how long before i allow him to sleep in our bed?

i think i am in shock. even someone whom you truly love, that you wish to spend your life with, can still rip your heart out and crap all over it. what is marriage? i use to think it was a bond between two, now i think its a pile of crap, worthless piece of paper.


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## marcat (Aug 31, 2011)

found out last night for sure that my husband of ten yrs has been having an affair, they reckon they love each other well according to the text messages on his phone , i am devastated about this and like you cant look at him and dont want to listen to any more of his lies all night iv been throwing up, dont know this person anymore and would find it very hard to trust him again emotions are all over the place


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## bambi (Sep 5, 2011)

i thought my pain was bad because its after 4 months of marriage....after reading your post i realise it does not matter if its a week, a month, or 10 years, the pain and hurt is just as bad.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

I really feel sorry for you having to be in this postition. From my viewpoint as a DS (disloyal spouse), I can tell you that it's not going to be an easy thing to deal with for a long time. The difference between your husband and myself is that I owned up to what I had done right away. That didn't make what I had done (I had an online emotional affair) any easier for my wife to deal with, but I believe that it made it easier for us to get on the road to recovery. 

Here's the deal: he has disrespected you, your relationship, and vows. If he wants the relationship and marriage to work, then he is going to have to do an awful lot of heavy-lifting from this point on. He is going to have to show you real remorse and cut off all contact with the OW. He must be willing to do at least that much in order to show that he wants to work on your marriage, that is, if you also want to continue in it. You also might want to seek out marriage counseling to help deal with this.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

bambi said:


> he says hes truly sorry and want to make this work. i want it back to how it was between us. *but im afraid it will never be the same,* and worse I don't know how we would even get there. i dont want to talk to him, i dont want to look at his face, i dont want to listen to what he says....


Agreed. It will never be the same again.

The level of trust and confidence you had can not be recovered completely.

The question to answer for yourself is: do I want to live like that?


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## marcat (Aug 31, 2011)

yes your right will never be the same again, how could it this person you trusted has betrayed you, me, whoever, in my case i went through 8weeks of hell knew something was up and i asked and i asked was there anything he wanted to tell me but no he didnt, he seen the pain i was going through and let me go through it alone while he was out having fun with some other woman, and only i caught him myself he would still be letting me go through this , you dont do that to someone you are supposed to care about or love how could you, he came over this morning still denying everything and he only admitted it when i said that i read all your messages you and her have sent to each other, he texted me yesterdayto say he was very down in himself and felt terrible and was texting her last night telling her he loved her,,,,,,,,,, na never the same


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

Bambi I am sorry this has happened to you. These situations each have their own screen play. You and your husband determine the the final outcome. There is no set timeline on emotions and no script as to what will happen next. 


Ask yourself what you want. 
Ask your husband why he cheated. He better have an answer. He knows why he did it. They all know why they cheat. They just don't want to tell us. It's infuriating. 
Ask him what he wants. If he doesn't want to work on the marriage then it's time to say goodbye. You can't sustain a relationship and be the only one trying.

I know exactly how you feel about marriage. I am no longer an advocate. Date and keep separate residences. Your dilemma will not work itself out quickly. Be prepared for months to pass before you know what to do. The decision isn't easy to make. Good luck and FOLLOW YOUR GUT INSTINCTS! They are always right!


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

bambi,

I would advise you to stay with you parents for awhile. How long? That I can't answer....I would not make any decisions regarding your marriage until you have a full grip on your emotions. And no, just because your calm in the moment doesn't count.

Take some real time...months maybe..before you make a decision to end or continue the marriage. The point here is you will need ample time to gather yourself. 

Focus completely on yourself...read, write, take a vacation, do whatever it is you do..but do it for and by yourself.

There are no magic wands or quick fixes when something like this happens. You can, however, build a successful, rewarding and fuller marriage out of the ashes of this betrayal. Will things be the same again? No, never....but they can be better. Better than you could ever imagine...but this takes real work from both of you. 

It starts with your husband taking complete ownership over what he's done and ending all contact with his partner in crime forever. Then and only then can you both move forward together.

For now....it's all about you. Gather your emotions and focus on yourself. There is no timeline.


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## bambi (Sep 5, 2011)

Thank you all for your responses. I went to my parents for a few days and it really helped, the crying stopped for starters, then i was just angry. After i had calmed down, I met him and we talked.... he explained why he did it, they are not reasons really coz it should never have happened in the first place. but he apologised and said he will never talk to her again, he loves me not her, she was nothing but physical....

As for what I want. I want this to work.... 
I see this as a blessing. sometimes after several years of being with someone we can begin to doubt whether they are right or not, I guess this has shaken everything up ... we both want it to work, and neither are giving up.

I've made it clear it will take time, I will forgive you when I feel its right not when you want me to, I will say I love you when I feel no anger against you, not when you say it to me....

so we have some ground rules covered.

More than anything I agree with Geoffrey Marshs' comment above...It wont be the same but it can better. We know what we want and what matters, and knows how it feels to think you've lost that person.

Thank you all for your comments, I am strong, don't feel sorry for myself, I will try and in the event it still fails....oh well thats life right? Divorce and move on. I lived without him before I met him, I'll do it again.

Bambi x


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

bambi said:


> Thank you all for your responses. I went to my parents for a few days and it really helped, the crying stopped for starters, then i was just angry. After i had calmed down, I met him and we talked.... he explained why he did it, they are not reasons really coz it should never have happened in the first place. but he apologised and said he will never talk to her again, he loves me not her, she was nothing but physical....
> 
> As for what I want. I want this to work....
> I see this as a blessing. sometimes after several years of being with someone we can begin to doubt whether they are right or not, I guess this has shaken everything up ... we both want it to work, and neither are giving up.
> ...



Good luck Bambi...God bless.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get tested for STDs.

If she is married/partnered, tell her husband/boyf. Do so without warning to your husband or her. He must have zero contact with her. Completely.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

4 months into a mge., when confronted he made you prove it

Just get an anulment now---this guy is a scumbag---he will cheat again, cuz you are taking him back w/out consequences, so he knows you will do nothing if he cheats again

If you stay---DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS SCUMBAG


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

bambi said:


> i very clearly said to his face that i knew he cheated on me, he laughed it off and ended the conversation saying i can't prove anything.


very, very troubling


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah seriously. What a d-uche.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

jnj express said:


> 4 months into a mge., when confronted he made you prove it
> 
> you are taking him back w/out consequences, so he knows you will do nothing if he cheats again


I think he learned his lesson, and I think the consequences were very clear.

Good job.

He learned he better be more careful next time and the consequences for being sloppy and leaving evidence are an angry wife, at least for a few days anyway. 

Bet he's more careful next time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie thread.:2gunsfiring_v1:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Zombie thread.:2gunsfiring_v1:


Spammer. Feel free to click the button.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Bet Bambi's not with him anymore. He did it again and she D him


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Spammer. Feel free to click the button.


I clicked both the posts.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

jnj express said:


> 4 months into a mge., when confronted he made you prove it
> 
> Just get an anulment now---this guy is a scumbag---he will cheat again, cuz you are taking him back w/out consequences, so he knows you will do nothing if he cheats again
> 
> If you stay---DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS SCUMBAG





StrangerThanFiction said:


> very, very troubling





Jellybeans said:


> Yeah seriously. What a d-uche.


I speak the same words as these above .

leave the scum bag

dont need to prove anything 

His arrogant remarks shows how much he treasures you and respect you .


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