# Not good with relationships



## 1funcrazygal (Jan 5, 2010)

Hi, I have a few things to basically vent about and if I get advice then great.

I am 41 yo and have been in 4 long term relationships, and when I say long term, 1 year or less. That has been the extent of a long term relationship for me.

I have been in a relationship now for almost 2 years, which is a record for me. Most of my relationships end after approx 3 months when either "he" is driving me crazy or I just can't "deal" with a relationship followed by "he did...." which drove me crazy. Obviously I am the constant in all these relationships and "they" all can't be the problem. Yes there are people who are not a good fit, but everyone?? I was crazy about 2 of them but in the end (1st one-lied, 2nd one-I just couldn't communicate with tho I was nuts about him). I know this is going to rub some the wrong way, but I tend to like married men (ok only 2, but that is enough). For me, it was the fact I could have fun-but they always went home-thus not having to "deal" with the issues that "drove me crazy". I probably learned a lot of my bad habits from my mom, as she did the same sort of stuff. I want to break the bad habits. I know relationships aren't perfect, so why do I feel like as I look around, no one else seems to have issues like me??? I would love to hear similar stories and if anyone has turned that around and how.

I love my current bf although there are a few things that "drive me crazy". These are things that anyone else says I would love it if my BF did that. #1. He tells me he loves me ALL the time. ok I understand that you love me, but do you really need to tell me more than twice a day? #2. He wants to hold hands, kiss etc too much. I always wanted someone who was affectionate, but is there such a thing as too much?? I feel smothered at times, with these displays of affection. #3. I feel he needs to be together 24/7. I have spoken to him about it that I just need "me" time sometimes. Just to watch tv, play on the computer or read without him always underfoot. #4. He can be quite a yes man. I told him he should make decisions and not leave everything up to me such as what time to go here and where to go.

Other than those few issues, he is great. He doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, not abusive. So what is my problem? Please give me suggestions of helpful reading material or what type of counselor to see. I really don't want to throw away another relationship because I can't handle it. It is a problem because sometimes I can brush it off, but when I am hormonal I guess. It just builds and I do all this self talk and drive myself crazy instead of being able to let it go. That has always been my personality and maybe it is too late to change it. But I so desperately don't want to get so irritated by these little things.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Have you considered that maybe its OK to be who you are? Not everyone wants to settle down with one person. i dont think there's anything wrong with that. although, i do (obviously) have issues with the married men thing. there are a lot of people, children included, who go through so much pain at the expense of your fun. you actually start a cascade of dysfunction that continues for generations through the pain of the children who endured. One affair can destroy literally thousands of lives. You are part of that cycle. How does it feel? Consider ending it.


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

gotta be blunt here....sounds like you can be anal about men and how they act or who they are for you. 

I would learn to accept someone both good and bad characteristics and continue communicating your feelings to him but if he still persisits, drop it, accept it and move with him or you will never sustain a long term relationship.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Men who want "alone time" take up hobbies, or join clubs, or something. The model railroad club, or the Elks Lodge, or go they fishing with their buddies on Saturday, or something like that.

Maybe you could join a health club with your girlfriends, and go work out once or twice a week together. Some such clubs are women only, which would effectively stop him from joining you. He probably won't complain if you're going to aerobic dance class twice a week, but of course he may want to spend even more time with you if you come home in shorts and a sports bra covered with sweat. 

Think of something you like to do, which he's not too crazy about, and try to find a group that does it, and then go do it. Knitting, or quilting, or take a pottery class or something.

My wife sometimes asks me where we should have lunch, and I say "I don't care, you pick", because I really honestly don't care. It's just lunch; choosing this restaurant instead of that one isn't going to make any huge difference in your life. It's not an important decision, and I can find something to eat at just about any restaurant, so I really truly don't care. Telling him to care deeply about a small decision isn't going to make any sense to him. My wife sometimes doesn't want to make the decision, because then she worries it'll be her fault if she picks the restaurant and we don't like the food. This has never actually happened, but she sometimes worries about it anyway.

One method of dealing with this is to say that a relationship should be fair, so you could take turns about choosing where to eat or what movie to see. That way, you pick this time, and next time say "It's your turn to pick." And whether you regard picking as a boon or a burden of responsibility, it's still his turn so he has to make the choice this time.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

First, I agree with another responder: you are entitled to be who you are, so if a "closer" relationship isn't you, don't feel like that means there is something wrong with you.

As for your post: Set boundaries, and if he is not happy that way, then he moves on. It is the risk you take--if it's important enough. Some people value the relationship more than these other things (alone time, etc.) Others don't. It's worth figuring out HOW MUCH these things matter to you--are you willing to risk losing him by setting boundaries? If so, then take that chance. If he is uncomfortable with them, he may move on. Or maybe you will find he is fine with them, a win-win situation that you would not have found had you not taken the chance. 

If you don't want to risk losing him, then ask about setting boundaries--negotiating them may improve your situation too. But don't present it as a negotiation if something is essential to you, because that is misleading. Good luck.


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