# Husband told me my weight gain has turned him off sexually.



## MsRedChery (Jul 4, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for seven years. In the first 3 years of our relationship we always had a great sex life. We had sex so much, sometimes I would get tired of having sex, but I loved it because I knew he was attracted to me and his eyes were only for me. After that I slowly started to put on weight and now I've gained over 60 pounds. We rarely have sex and everytime I would ask him if it was my weight he would always assure it was not. He has had some testerone issues, but he was prescribed something for it, but never wants to use it. I finally got him to tell me the truth the other day about my weight. He told me a couple of months ago when I was at my peak, (I've lost some weight since then) that my weight did turn him off sexually and that's why we never had sex, but he claims that he realized that he was being shallow and my weight does not affect him anymore. I cried and since then I've been feeling disgusted about myself and I feel like maybe he has cheated, even though he hasn't given me any signs. Since he told me that I don't want to be naked in front of him, eat in front of him, or just anything exposing my body. I feel uncomfortable and really sad that I would turn someone off who was so attracted to me at some point. I feel like a fool now, because I would always say "Are we going to have sex tonight" and he would reply "yes" and all the mean while he was turned off by my weight and we would never do anything. I am asking myself if I can continue to live like this. I love him so much and I know he loves me, but in a marriage you have to be able to keep that spark, and we have zilch, 0, nothing. I'm trying to lose weight and I've lost some, but it's so hard. Someone help me please?
I feel like I'm losing my husband and myself as a person.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

To me, I can see why he didn't come clean right away. If you re-read what you wrote following when he admitted your weight was an issue, it's pretty clear you took the news hard.

Which is fine, but at the same time, why ould he want to tell you that knowing how you'd react. You went into total meltdown. You need to regroup here and get yourself together.

I can pretty much guarantee you he won't find you anymore attractive if you lose all the weight but are an insecure mess. Sit him down, talk to him and just have an open and frank conversation about sex. No expectations, just a discussion about it.

And I'd encourage him to take the testestrone pills. The fact he isn't taking them indicates to me he is comfortable with his life (and sex life) the way it is, so he won't be taking them on his own without some encouragement. 

But you need to stay positive and stop with the "cheating" mentality. There's no proof, so don't even go there and further cloud the issue. Get back to the basics, you know he found you hot before, you know you are working your way back to that image and you know he needs some extra testostrone. Deal with those three issues then see what happens.


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## MindOverMatter (Jul 1, 2012)

Losing weight is tough, but keep in mind that you didn't gain the weight in one weekend, so you're not going to lose it that quickly either. You mention a testosterone issue with your husband -- did he have a low-T reading at the doctors? And is there a reason he doesn't want to use the prescription?

Regarding your weight gain -- was it a result of pregnancy? injury that kept you inactive? 

I think you might find that you can regain that spark if you and your husband sit down and plan out a workout schedule. Doesn't have to be anything crazy to start -- even walking for 30 minutes a night -- but it can be very rewarding when the weight starts to come off.


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## MsRedChery (Jul 4, 2012)

Thank you. I feel like he does not want to take them because he is not attracted to me anymore. He has erectile dysfunction and he has some issues with it to. He says it brings his pride down, which I can understand. I feel like I've always had an interest to still be sexually active with him even though he has that problem, but he has a problem with my weight gain? It kills me.
I gained the weight being really stressed out and turning to food. He always encourages me to lose weight and tries to make me feel positive, I just feel like when I lose it all, should I just ignore the fact that he was sexually attracted to me when I wasn't at my best?


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I'm a woman & I can see where your husband is coming from.
I think that spouses have an obligation to stay fit & attractive to each other, it's what attracted each of them in the first place.
Now, there are some people that it doesn't matter if their SO's gain weight, but they would probably be in the minority.
As painful as it was to hear that your husband lost his attraction to you due to your weight gain, you can do something about this, you can lose the weight.
Of course it's hard to lose, it wasn't exactly easy to put on either, it took time, just as it will take time to lose it.
Get out there & exeercise everyday, eat well & you will see the results of your hard work.
Don't give up if the scale doesn't move for a week or two, it's probably just a plateau.
Through your actions of getting in shape, you will increase your self esteem & also show your husband that his needs are important to you.


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## MindOverMatter (Jul 1, 2012)

MsRedChery said:


> Thank you. I feel like he does not want to take them because he is not attracted to me anymore. He has erectile dysfunction and he has some issues with it to. He says it brings his pride down, which I can understand. I feel like I've always had an interest to still be sexually active with him even though he has that problem, but he has a problem with my weight gain? It kills me.
> I gained the weight being really stressed out and turning to food. He always encourages me to lose weight and tries to make me feel positive, I just feel like when I lose it all, should I just ignore the fact that he was sexually attracted to me when I wasn't at my best?


Is his ED a function of him gaining weight? The biggest factor behind ED is reduced blood flow, which is often accompanied by inactivity/weight gain in males.

And if you don't mind me asking, were you stressed out from your sex life situation? Or was it another driver (work, parents, etc)?


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## MsRedChery (Jul 4, 2012)

No he actually is still in shape and works out regularly. I was and still am stressed about my sex life. I had other things going on that caused stress, but ultimately our sex life really had me thinking alot and made me really stressed.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

MsRedChery said:


> I gained the weight being really stressed out and turning to food. He always encourages me to lose weight and tries to make me feel positive, I just feel like when I lose it all, should I just ignore the fact that he was sexually attracted to me when I wasn't at my best?


Yes and no. On one hand, I think your husband could make more of an effort to be attracted to you. Looks are important, but he didn't marry you for your looks I assume, so unless your personality has changed as well, he should still be attracted to you. On the other hand, he did fall in love with you under one image, and now you have a 60 lb heavier one. 

Additionally, I think your husband, if you really cared about you, would start taking the testosterone pills unless he has a good reason not to. It's obvious the sex issue is a big one for you and I think a good husband should try and work through problems to everyone's benefit, not just his own.


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## MindOverMatter (Jul 1, 2012)

MsRedChery said:


> No he actually is still in shape and works out regularly. I was and still am stressed about my sex life. I had other things going on that caused stress, but ultimately our sex life really had me thinking alot and made me really stressed.



I would strongly encourage him to take the testosterone pills. Is he at an age where his T-levels have naturally declined? Seems kind of odd if he does work out regularly that he would need them, but perhaps there is another reason.

And do you have an exercise routine of some sorts? Stress is a killer, and I totally understand turning to food to deal with it. But if you don't exercise regularly, I think you'd be encouraged by how great you'll feel once you start.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

MsRedChery said:


> I feel like I've always had an interest to still be sexually active with him even though he has that problem, but he has a problem with my weight gain? It kills me.
> 
> I just feel like when I lose it all, should I just ignore the fact that he was sexually attracted to me when I wasn't at my best?


You're treating his sexual attraction as a moral issue.
Why should it be? 
He can't help what he's attracted to. This is not something he decided for himself one day to be mean to you.
He's clearly embarrassed.

There's no good guy or bad guy here.


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## Lone Ranger (Apr 15, 2012)

Society has trivialised weight gain for some time, but it is starting to become clearly visible as a major concern. I blame euphemisms for this... But I digress.

As others have said, weight gain doesn't happen quickly, and neither does weight loss. You didn't wake up one day 60lbs heavier. 

One of the first and strongest stimuli to attraction is looks. Well before emotional attachment occurs, physical attraction brings people together. To say that this aspect of a relationship "doesn't matter" or "shouldn't matter" if you "truely" loved someone is pretty closed minded. It might not be a nice thing to hear, I can sympathise with that.

People who are stressed out turn to many things as a pillar of strength. Funny how we as a society condemn those who choose drugs or alchohol, but give people who turn to food and gain weight, which is equally as self destructive, a free pass.

Sorry if I am being hard, I have been in your place. It was only hard words which eventually made me lose the weight.

Don't do it for the sex, do it for yourself. You will gain your confidence and esteem back, and one of the sexiest things around is just that, confidence and self esteem. The sex will surely come afterwards.

Again, sorry for being hard. I hoped this helped a little.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

MsRedChery said:


> Thank you. I feel like he does not want to take them because he is not attracted to me anymore. He has erectile dysfunction and he has some issues with it to. He says it brings his pride down, which I can understand. I feel like I've always had an interest to still be sexually active with him even though he has that problem, but he has a problem with my weight gain? It kills me.
> I gained the weight being really stressed out and turning to food. He always encourages me to lose weight and tries to make me feel positive, I just feel like when I lose it all, should I just ignore the fact that he was sexually attracted to me when I wasn't at my best?


We don't have unconditional sexual attraction to our spouses. It's conditional. It's conditional among good hygiene and physical appearance among other things.

I'm a woman and I can understand how hard it must have been for you to hear that from him, and how hard it must have been for him to say it. We all say we want honesty from our spouses, but the truth is sometimes we really aren't willing to hear the honest truth. The truth of what he said stings. But I personally would rather hear the truth than have my spouse make up some other answer to spare my feelings. 

I don't think you should blame him for what he said or hold it against him. You asked him a question. You got an answer you probably feared hearing. A sixty pound weight gain is a lot. There's no two ways about it. I put on 35 pounds with one of my pregnancies and THAT was a lot on my average height frame. 

The good news is there is something you can do about what your husband said. 
It's not like he's asking you to get breast implants or suddenly grow five inches taller or change into a different ethnicity. What he finds attractive is within your control. I fully appreciate that it's not easy to lose weight. I'm on a fitness kick right now and am trying to drop some weight by October 1st. You can do this. Do it for your health and for your self-esteem. I can give you the link to the site (free..they don't sell anything) which is very helpful if you're tracking food and exercise.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Excess weight is a libido killer for me. My wife was starting to put on weight and I got her to eat differently and exercise.
I took over the cooking for a while ,and I started going to the supermarket. I used to kill her with chocolates,ice cream and fancy biscuits. I cut out all,and went back to basics. We were able to do it together.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MsRedChery said:


> No he actually is still in shape and works out regularly. I was and still am stressed about my sex life. I had other things going on that caused stress, but ultimately our sex life really had me thinking alot and made me really stressed.


You don't say how old the two of you are. Age can make a big differrence in a lot of things.

So you neither of you like your weight gain. You have lost more.. keeping doing whatever you are doing to lose the weight.

Find healthy things, besides eating, to do when you feel stressed. 

Go for walks.

Get a tredmill, watch a happy TV show and walk. Or get a stationary bike and do this.

When you get within 15 lbs of your old weight, get a makeover and some nice new cloths.

It's the weight he does not like.... but if you lose the weight it's gone.

He likes/love YOU... you are who is under that weight. 

Take up pole dancing.. install a pole in your bedroom... (JK.. unless you like the idea)... find something new and sexy to do.

When you lose the weight think of it as taking off a heavy winter coat to reveal the real, sexy you.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Take up pole dancing.. install a pole in your bedroom... (JK.. unless you like the idea)...


LOL. 
That reminds me of "Hot in Herre" by Nelly: I gotta a friend with a pole in the basement (what?) / I'm just kiddin like Jason (oh) / Unless you gon' do it /


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

If you were to leave him, the first thing you would do is sign up at a gym and get back in shape. In fact, most people would suggest, "Go sign up at a gym and get your mind off that bad relationship!!!"

Not saying you should leave him or this is even a reason to leave, it isn't. He is being honest and communicating. Could he have tried to do it a little better? Probably, but you seem so hypersensitive about your weight that I bet no matter how he said it, you would have took it to heart and had this exact same meltdown. 

Why not give your husband the BEST YOU? Why not get in shape for the man you love more than anything in the world, rather than waiting until you both decide to leave? Why give a stranger something the love of your life earned and deserves?

Go sign up at a gym, get back in shape, enjoy life, get your husband back into you. Listen, even if you do not get back to your old weight, who cares. Get healthy, get back in shape. With confidence, he will become attracted to you.  With confidence, he will have to watch out, because confidence is everything.

Good luck.


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## glowie (Jul 17, 2012)

So, I am in the same exact boat! I can totally relate to your situation! My husband told me @ 18 months ago that he wasn't psysically attracted to me anymore. After having my daughter, I have gained a lot of weight. I gained 100lbs with the invitro, and pregnancy. It has taken a huge toll on my body. I have been trying everything to lose the weight. I am 40lbs heavier than I was when we got married. Well, I decided to instant message my husband a few days ago asking him if he had erectile dysfunction. Well, I was shaking in my boots thinking of his response. Well, he replied, and what I found out is that he has ED. Everything we have gone through sexually in the last 8 years all makes sense now! He has always tried to blame me, but meanwhile it is his own demon. Anyways, I need to be very gentle with him from this point on. As this has been very devistating for both him and I. As far as my weight goes, I am not going to give up. I will never forget what he has said, but I will continue to take care of myself by eating well and excercising. I am getting a breast reduction in October, so that will be very helpful. I'm so glad that I am not alone on this subject. Thanks so much for sharing your story.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

no one wants to hear the obvious then they resent hearing it if they push their partner to answer. of course they also resent not being told too. Why didn't you tell me how dare you tell me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

glowie said:


> So, I am in the same exact boat! I can totally relate to your situation! My husband told me @ 18 months ago that he wasn't psysically attracted to me anymore. After having my daughter, I have gained a lot of weight. I gained 100lbs with the invitro, and pregnancy. It has taken a huge toll on my body. I have been trying everything to lose the weight. I am 40lbs heavier than I was when we got married. Well, I decided to instant message my husband a few days ago asking him if he had erectile dysfunction. Well, I was shaking in my boots thinking of his response. Well, he replied, and what I found out is that he has ED. Everything we have gone through sexually in the last 8 years all makes sense now! He has always tried to blame me, but meanwhile it is his own demon. Anyways, I need to be very gentle with him from this point on. As this has been very devistating for both him and I. As far as my weight goes, I am not going to give up. I will never forget what he has said, but I will continue to take care of myself by eating well and excercising. I am getting a breast reduction in October, so that will be very helpful. I'm so glad that I am not alone on this subject. Thanks so much for sharing your story.


Keep in mind that being overe weight can cause ED in a man. He also might be saying this to protect your feelings. Most men will not say anything at all if they thnk their wife can't help it.

But if your sex life has gone down and your weight has gone up just put two and two together.

It was recently reported that in a study, people that go to weight watchers is the best way to lose weight. I know a handful of people thta have done just that.

Remember, men are way more visually turned on than women. Not that there are not exceptions.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Lose the weight and once you do, and he is all of a sudden interested again hand him separation papers and say, "You didn't want me when I was big, so you don't deserve me when I'm skinny!"


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

Jamison said:


> Lose the weight and once you do, and he is all of a sudden interested again hand him separation papers and say, "You didn't want me when I was big, so you don't deserve me when I'm skinny!"


I disagree. What if it was reversed and he had anger issues? He goes to anger management classes/learns how to manage it, tells her , "You didn't want me when I had anger problems, so you don't deserve me when I'm calmer".


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Jamison said:


> Lose the weight and once you do, and he is all of a sudden interested again hand him separation papers and say, "You didn't want me when I was big, so you don't deserve me when I'm skinny!"


I think you meant this as a joke...but in case you're serious, her husband didn't do anything wrong. She asked, he answered, he was honest in his answer. Why would you divorce over this? And as a previous poster pointed out, if she divorced, one of the first things she would do is lose weight and get in shape so that she could find someone new. So why not do it for the husband she has?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

occasionallybaffled said:


> I disagree.


Its ok if you disagree, I don't mind.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If thine eye offend thee pluck it the f^ck out.


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

MsRedCherry, 
I felt sad when I read your posts. You are beating yourself up unnecessarily. So, you gained some weight from stress eating and not paying attention to yourself and as a result, your husband lost attraction for you. Life happens! You are not a "fool" and should not feel "disgusted" with yourself. From reading your post, you have taken to heart his lack of attraction for you at this weight and are doing something to fix the situation. Move forward and continue your weight loss journey. Be kind to yourself and realize that you are a good spouse who is taking the initiative to do something good for her husband and for her marriage. 

He sounds supportive and it doesn't seem as though he is resentful. I am sure the last thing he wants is for you to feel bad about yourself. Maybe you could start walking together to get some exercise and reconnect by talking. (Exercise is good for ED, too.) 

You seem to be supportive in his ED problems, too. If H was prescribed testosterone, it was because his testosterone levels were low, not because he was not physically attracted to you. No doctor would prescribe testosterone to a man because his wife was not attractive enough for him (sorry Chapparal). 

Marriage has its' ups and downs. It is a lifelong partnership. Each person is going fall down at some point and it is up to that person to make every attempt to get up and up to the partner to help them do it. You guys seem to be doing just that and that is a positive thing for a successful marriage.:smthumbup:


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