# Is this for real? How do I get used to it?



## JackDani3ls (Jan 26, 2013)

My husband is a wonderful guy, think I'm pretty good person too. We have only been married 5 months, when I asked about affection, romance, and let him know I feel we are already in a funk. He told me, " I have a fairytale in my head on how marriage really is. That men who do romantic things are only trying to get in a woman's pants, or trying to get on their good side. that men dont have those special feelings." I have been trying to get used to this hard honosty, so that I dont have unrealistic ideas on marriage, & so that I dont cause arguements based on these expectations that will never happen. I'm not sure if all men are like this, My husband seems to think so, but I think it depends on the guy. Looks like my marriage will never be romantic though. I just want to know if what my husband said is true about romance not being real, & if so, how can I train my mind & my heart not to long for these things?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

What "things" are you longing for exactly?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sounds like a big cop-out to me. It is not unrealistic to expect some romance in your marriage. What was he like before you married?


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## JackDani3ls (Jan 26, 2013)

I just want to feel special, important, like a woman. the only time he holds me or shows affection is when He comes to bed before he goes to sleep. He used to not be able to keep his hands off of me. I've stopped complaining about affection & romance, but I still want it. He wrote me a song before we got married, he never sings it. when I asked him why he never plays it, he told me that he hates that song, & he just wrote it cause i would like it.


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## JackDani3ls (Jan 26, 2013)

He used to do some romantic things, not often but they did happen. I dont want to change him, I just want to know if its normal. Our marriage is still new, I just dont understand.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So he used romance to trick you into marrying him. And now he thinks he does not need to do it because he already has you?

Ask him how he will keep you if he tricked you? Now that you know he's a fake you are going to lose your love for him .

He's wrong that men only use romance to get in women's pants. There are many romantic men.

Your husband is a cold man. Do not kill your spirit to try to become somone who does not care. It will only turn you into a very unhappy woman.


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## SGomez (Jan 26, 2013)

everyone is on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship - really if everyone was their total self from the jump - who would stick around? He's basically telling you, through his actions, (& words in this case), this is the way it is, get used to it. There are physiological reasons why that is, but it what it comes down to, as someone that's been in this game since I was 13, and now 45, is, people act their best til they feel safe. Then they get -comfortable, and act incredulous to the one that is wondering WTF happened to the guy/girl I met?


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## SGomez (Jan 26, 2013)

BTW, I'm not selling a book or 'counseling', or a website. I went through a 17 year abusive marriage, found the "love of my life" and have discovered, EVERYONE is flawed. New love makes you see things in a really cool happy place, but IDK anyone that gets to LIVE in that place. I'm just in a bad place in the partnership that I thought was something that I'm not so sure about anymore. BECAUSE people are not their true selves when you first meet


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## JackDani3ls (Jan 26, 2013)

I sincerely hope he doesnt do a 360 on me. I know people arent their true selves, but if Elegirl is right & he tricked me, it will break my heart. I'm going to ask him maybe it will make him think a little more about it. Our marriage is still so new, I just want both of us to be happy, some how. 17 yrs is a long time. I hope 17 yrs from now I dont feel that way, how do they keep up a facad for so long, before you're married?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long were you with him before you married?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i have the same questions as Elegirl - how long were you with him before you married, because he pulled the wool over your eyes, and making you seem like unreasonable one, when in fact he did trick you into thinking he was a charming romantic guy writing songs for you, and then telling you it was all an act to get you? he's cold. don't have kids with him. see how it goes. he did a 180 on you. 5 months is still a honeymoon. i'm with my husband 30 years and he's still romantic, nice, loving, affectionate.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

I get what he is saying. Sure there are romantic guys around, but most guys really aren't.

That being said, part of a relationship, rather its marriage or just dating is doing things your partner likes, even if you don't.

For example, I spent my night at the movies with my other half. She loves them. We saw two in a row and you would have thought she just won the lotto from how happy she was.

My point of view, is that I own a 70 inch TV and killer sound system at home. There also aren't any screaming kids or annoying people and the food is cheaper and better. Also, for the cost of two tickets, I can just buy the movie when it comes out.

She loves it thou, so I take her from time to time.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

A lot of men are more romantic in the beginning, and less once they feel like they've completed their mission, so to speak. That doesn't make it ok. How would he feel if you stopped having sex with him or cooking meals now that you're married? 

I would encourage you to NOT accept this at all if you don't want the next 17 years to be this way. Tell him clearly that he is not "all guys" and that he is your husband and will treat you the way you think a wife should be treated if he wants you to treat him the way he'd like to be treated as a husband. Don't be unrealistic about it, but set a clear guideline that he can understand easily, like "I want you to romance me at least once a month." 

Then when he puts in a sincere effort, appreciate it even if it's not as romantic as you'd like. If he doesn't do it, you'll have some tough decisions to make about what to do with that problem.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> How would he feel if you stopped having sex with him or cooking meals now that you're married?


I guarantee you this would be the quickest way to make your point. Stop having sex and tell him that, "You have a fairytale in you head on how marriage really is. Women who have sex with their boyfriends are only trying to get a ring, or trying to get a baby. Women dont have those special feelings."

See how well the shoe fits on the other foot with him.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

JackDani3ls said:


> My husband is a wonderful guy, think I'm pretty good person too. We have only been married 5 months, when I asked about affection, romance, and let him know I feel we are already in a funk. *He told me, " I have a fairytale in my head on how marriage really is. That men who do romantic things are only trying to get in a woman's pants, or trying to get on their good side. that men dont have those special feelings."*
> 
> I have been trying to get used to this hard honosty, so that I dont have unrealistic ideas on marriage, & so that I dont cause arguements based on these expectations that will never happen.
> 
> I'm not sure if all men are like this, My husband seems to think so, but I think it depends on the guy. Looks like my marriage will never be romantic though. I just want to know if what my husband said is true about romance not being real, & if so, how can I train my mind & my heart not to long for these things?


Your husband is very wrong to lump all men in 1 basket like this. There are indeed naturally Romantic Men out there... I know I married one of those.. .and being a born Romantic myself... this is like a slice of Heaven .....mine never lost his tenderness & treating me like his most prized possession in all of these years.... we've been together since our teens. Married 20 +...

I needed a man who "Feels" and enjoys expressing those feelings... through his touch & through his lips - with words... I do feel the more Romantic men are tipped "Betas" though... over Alpha males.. but that's just my personal bias - from reading many stories here. 









Men talk about women doing the "*Bait & Switch*" in regards to







....your husband has done this to you in regards to *ROMANCE*.. something is very wrong about that.



> *Elegirl said:* Your husband is a cold man. Do not kill your spirit to try to become somone who does not care. It will only turn you into a very unhappy woman.





> *IsGirl3 said*: how long were you with him before you married, because he pulled the wool over your eyes, and making you seem like unreasonable one, when in fact he did trick you into thinking he was a charming romantic guy writing songs for you, and then telling you it was all an act to get you? he's cold. don't have kids with him. see how it goes. he did a 180 on you. 5 months is still a honeymoon. i'm with my husband 30 years and he's still romantic, nice, loving, affectionate.


I agree with these. 

I did 2 threads on Romance ...in this one... it gives a sliding scale to how some ARE & view Romance... from being a Hopeless Romantic... to one who feels a wife is living in a "fairy tale" & needs to get over it... 








http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ll-these-5-examples-has-changed-over-yrs.html









This one has a "Romance Test"... 








http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...you-enjoy-sappy-movies-your-wife-gag-run.html









I also wonder how Long you dated ?? I would bet your  Love Languages  are off as well.... this is how we express Love & FEEL loved in return... We enjoy all of these to some extent....but we all have our primary lust for a couple on top...

1. *Physical touch*
2. *Words of Affirmation*
3.* Time*
4. *Gifts*
5. *Acts of Service* 
Test here >>







Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®









This was a post in one of my Threads ...



> Monty4321 said:
> 
> 
> > I am a male and I am a 5 all the way. I was born that way and its part of my dna. My xwife was a 1 literally. That's partly why she's my x.
> ...


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I agree with the other posts that it is a "cop out". I'm 48 yrs old & have been a hopeless romantic my whole life. Doing those things show your feelings, a spouse should enjoy & want to do them. If they can justify quitting after marriage, then you've been fooled. I also agree with quit cooking, if you do & stop sex & use the same reasoning, I'm betting he won't like it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SGomez said:


> BTW, I'm not selling a book or 'counseling', or a website. I went through a 17 year abusive marriage, found the "love of my life" and have discovered, EVERYONE is flawed. New love makes you see things in a really cool happy place, but IDK anyone that gets to LIVE in that place. I'm just in a bad place in the partnership that I thought was something that I'm not so sure about anymore. BECAUSE people are not their true selves when you first meet


Sure people are on their best behaviors in the very beginning...why we should NEVER jump too quickly... but as time passes (and we NEED to give it time).....we should become more Vulnerable with each other...more Transparent... and with this... comes the flaws, the weaknesses......but we still love regardless of these flaws....and damn well in spite of them..IF we are truly Compatible  with each other. 

*Time* & getting to those places of True Vulnerability  with another is the TEST. 

I feel many fall into sex very quickly, an emotional bonding rises with this , as hormones are released....and so often we MISS the real person, in fact, we overlook many red flags.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

You couldn't be more right about sex. I wonder how many couples that abstained from sex before they married, would actually still do it? I think you should date for a year, without sex & see if you really want to can be with that person. Of course, I didn't do it but wish I had??


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

JackDani3ls said:


> My husband is a wonderful guy, think I'm pretty good person too. We have only been married 5 months, when I asked about affection, romance, and let him know I feel we are already in a funk. He told me, " I have a fairytale in my head on how marriage really is. That men who do romantic things are only trying to get in a woman's pants, or trying to get on their good side. that men dont have those special feelings." I have been trying to get used to this hard honosty, so that I dont have unrealistic ideas on marriage, & so that I dont cause arguements based on these expectations that will never happen. I'm not sure if all men are like this, My husband seems to think so, but I think it depends on the guy. Looks like my marriage will never be romantic though. I just want to know if what my husband said is true about romance not being real, & if so, how can I train my mind & my heart not to long for these things?


Bait and switch. He did all the necessary romantic overtures to get you, and now feels like he doesn't have to continue. He was never romantic, he just pretended to be.

Yes, if you're somebody for whom romance is important, it's a realistic expectation in a marriage. 

I think this is fraud, honestly, and if he's not open to changing his view, or get some help to do so, and provide a need he knew you had before going in, you really should think about separation.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

For the record, I am not a romantic at all. I love that my husband is, and I gobble up the benefits of it, but romance is definitely not natural to me. I have to work at it.

But because he's so amazing, I find myself looking for ways to be romantic.


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