# I should've listened to you guys...



## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

I've been away for awhile (since July, actually) dating my stbxw. Well, during the early stages of our dating and getting to know each other again, I posted here (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/6510-stbxw-says-im-still-running.html) my feelings of being used and having to win my wife back even though she's the one who cheated on me, yadda yadda.

You guys said it would not end well.

And it didn't.

Let me expound (vent)...

Things were going very well, or so it seemed from May till about early October. We were agreed about getting the no-contest divorce. We began talking about getting re-married if everything worked out. We vacationed in Myrtle Beach, went to concerts, parties and just generally hung out. And had sex. Everything was great.

Things started changing slowly, and even though I saw it, I really didn't respond the way I should've.

First: Before me and my ex began dating again, I was dating other women who I wasn't serious with, but hell I was lonely. When the possibility of having my wife back presented itself, I was hesitant to give that up because I wasn't sure if me and my ex would really last. So I held onto the other women. My ex, on the other hand, was also still dating, one (to my knowledge) of the guys was the one she cheated on me with initially. Apparently, she still had really strong feelings for him. So, we were both seeing other people.

Second: While she initially agreed to the divorce, she began questioning it, and saying it wasn't necessary since we were getting back together. But my rationale was, we're not living as man and wife, and I really just wanted to start over from scratch. But she started resenting the idea.

Third: Even though we were both seeing other people, she would always get jealous about the women I was seeing. But why? She had men on the side, too! 

Finally, she told me she wanted more of my attention, and that she liked the chase, and wanted to feel like she was the prize that she was. So I said, I don't like being in this competition, and I don't feel like you're doing the same for me. But, I wanted my wife back, so I agreed to give her more of my attention.

Things were going well for a while, and then a crucial day struck (Oct. 20). I hadn't seen her for about a week, and I asked if she could come by. She said she was going to the beauty salon to get my daughter's hair done and to meet her there. She gave me the address and I told her I'd be there.

Well, when I get there, she's smoking weed in the car (this is normal for her; all day, every day) and VERY much annoyed that I showed up. I told her if I'm bothering her, I'll turn right around and go home, but she insisted I stay.

So, we sat in the car while she smoked (I do not smoke cigarettes or weed or anything, so I suffered through this) in silence. I tried to ask what was wrong and she just said she needed a minute to herself. Okay, but you TOLD me to come here!

So, she finishes the weed and we go in the salon where my daughter is still having her hair styled. We sit in silence some more, my ex sitting with a scowl that I haven't seen since the first time I outed her affairs. Then, my phone goes off. Of course, it's another woman, so I just put the phone away without answering it.

Her: "Hmmph... so you have *****es calling your phone?" I said, "am I supposed to forget about your booty call buddies?" Five minutes later, she receives a text and she made sure to read it and that I see her doing it. I snicker to myself because I'm thinking, "shouldn't throw stones when you live in a glass house"... what an idiot I was. That day was the beginning of the end.

The next morning, my ex drops my daughter off with me and I move in to give her a kiss, tell her how nice she looks and wish her a good day, like I did every day since we started dating again. She pulls back. "I don't have time". She saw the bewilderment on my face. Finally, she leaned in for a quick kiss and left. I tried contacting her later. She never responded.

The next day, daughter gets dropped off again. This time, I asked her to take me to the cleaners since it's on her way. You should've seen the look of utter disgust I got. She reluctantly agreed but only so she could tell me that she feels I'm smothering her and she needs space. I explained that she told me she WANTED me to give her more of my attention, and that really, I hadn't given her THAT much more attention... it had only been about two weeks since the request. I called her at work and asked if she had plans for the weekend, and she said no, maybe we could do something.

Great. Weekend comes. I call. No answer. Another call, no answer. Finally she calls me back and tells me she's done with me and that she needs to get her life together and that she needs, time, space, whatever. She doesn't want any contact with me or from me unless it's about our daughter. Just like that.

What hurt the most was, when we were dating, I was scheduled for knee surgery and she agreed to come with me and bring me home. She scheduled the day off work and everything. Well, the day before the surgery (she had dropped me just the weekend prior), she called my job and said, "let one of your other *****es take you". And that she wasn't going to be the nurturing, mother-type I wanted her to be (well, she never was, and that was always a problem). Now granted, we're not seeing each other anymore; but I'm still your husband, I'm still the father of your child and I was still a friend (at least I thought I was/could be). 

That was the final straw. I realized there would never be anything real between us. She **** on me for the last time.

Now, my friends, did I do anything wrong here? Granted, you're only getting my side of the story, but I'm typing it as best as I remember it. I really tried to get this woman back. By the time she dumped me, I had told the other women that I was trying again with my wife, and that I was sorry I wasted their time. I cut them off, and a week later, my ex cut me off.

I just don't see why if she needs time and all that, why does she have to cut me out altogether? Further, why are the guys she was dating still allowed her time, but I'm just cold dropped with renewed anger, vitriol and bitterness? What did I do to deserve that? Why couldn't we at least be friends?

So, here I am, more angry than sad that I lost my wife again to those other guys, this time for the last time.

Sorry to make you read so much but I'm eagerly awaiting responses.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

The both of you have been acting to sabotage any normal reunion as a married couple. You two should have both agreed to no others if you were to get together again.

This game playing is silly and self destructive. It's as if the two of you wanted to ensure no reunion.

Move forward with the divorce.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Id have to agree with michzz if you and her started talking about getting back then you both should have sat down got some things worked out set some simple things down like breaking off contact with other relationships of any type and set some type of lines on how to reastablish trust , at this point id have to say all your doing to each other is hurting one another she is clearly confused sounds to me she knows your a good thing loves that but is still wanting to play the field at the same time and is only coming back when she realizes what she has with you and then gets with you and then goes out with her type of friends and has fun and loses ineterest in you and what you may offer .. Hard choice if your heart is with her but you need to make some kind of stand in some form try talking to her one last time say its serious if you cant get something set in stone and maybe some cunceling then its seems pretty clear but Michzz may be right 100% on his final sentence


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

michzz said:


> The both of you have been acting to sabotage any normal reunion as a married couple. You two should have both agreed to no others if you were to get together again.
> 
> This game playing is silly and self destructive. It's as if the two of you wanted to ensure no reunion.
> 
> Move forward with the divorce.


Well, exclusivity is definitely what I wanted, but I knew that she wasn't going to give up her newfound freedom and options. As she said, "it doesn't matter who else I'm seeing, if we're meant to be, we will come back together".

Definitely a losing proposition for me because a couple months into it, I cut everyone else off thinking this was going to happen. Of course, she didn't do the same, but I went along with it, desperate to accept anything if it meant getting her back.

Yes, I realize I can't hold off on the divorce any longer over some foolish dream.


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## Victorianprude (Nov 30, 2009)

Man, 

You forget the bio issue with your scheme.

A woman can mate 1000-1 of a man.

A man must hunt, a woman just show availability.

Good luck.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

beninneedofhelp said:


> she is clearly confused sounds to me she knows your a good thing loves that but is still wanting to play the field at the same time and is only coming back when she realizes what she has with you and then gets with you and then goes out with her type of friends and has fun and loses ineterest in you and what you may offer ..


Yup, that's called being the fallback. I'm the "safe one" in case things go south with her other boyfriends. I'm no longer willing to be that, and she knows it. All trust and respect for her has gone out the window.



> Hard choice if your heart is with her but you need to make some kind of stand in some form try talking to her one last time say its serious if you cant get something set in stone and maybe some cunceling


My heart still aches for her, it's true. But I have to keep reminding myself how she has betrayed me, manipulated me and lied to me on every possible occasion. She doesn't respect me and somehow believes I'm responsible for all her problems.

I doubt very much we'll ever talk about trying again, whether I want to or not. She has chosen another path, and I'm not part of it except to be my daughter's father.

I have been overcome with loneliness and depression the past week, so counseling is sounding like a good idea.


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## Victorianprude (Nov 30, 2009)

Man,

It may help you counseling, i do have a suggestion.

Going out as a man a fluttering your wings in the direction of attentive females. We are not speaking of relationship seeking, simply raw sex.

A male ego, must be intact at all times.

This helped me in my situation years ago.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

Victorianprude said:


> Going out as a man a fluttering your wings in the direction of attentive females. We are not speaking of relationship seeking, simply raw sex.
> 
> A male ego, must be intact at all times.
> 
> This helped me in my situation years ago.


Well, as the saying goes, "the best way to get over old p***y is new p***y". 

I tried that after we first separated, and actually even when we started dating again. I was seeing other people, but I really wasn't serious with them. Just wanted someone to hang out with and have sex when the ex was off doing her thing. 

"Fluttering" definitely has its benefits, and works to some extent, but I'm just stuck on finding someone to love now.


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## Victorianprude (Nov 30, 2009)

Man,

We are not talking dating here (wink wink).

We are talking going out and flying high with the fellow males.

Then once you libido has been restored, go seek the dating and possible realtionship.

Yes, love provides the comfort zone, but the animal in us must be repaired.

Best of luck,


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

LOL, yeah just this past Saturday I was hanging out with some of the fellas and they recommended the same thing.

"Get your head out of your ass and into some kitten!"


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## Victorianprude (Nov 30, 2009)

Man,

We will be expecting some uplifting posts coming from you.


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## melancholyman (Jun 1, 2009)

Well, I hear fling.com is the place to flutter your wings, complete with the understanding of all parties that you are indeed engaging in a fling, not a relationship.

Nevertheless, I will indeed update as events unfold.


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