# My anniversary, wife requested dinner



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I posted question in going thru separation, but wasn't getting answers so i'll try here as im in a hurry before dinner tonight.

My wife and I are currently doing an in house separation (21 years). 3 months now. We are both doing IC, my wife has said several times she's "done". Problems are that we drifted apart, and she felt I wasn't involved enough with the kids, school, home life.

She went to visit her dad for the weekend, but called me last night to ask if i'd like to go to dinner for our anniversary. I said that would be fine. So now my questions:

Should I have accepted:

I should prob keep our relationship off the menu:

Is she feeling sorry for me, I've done a terrible job
keeping myself together:

Her comment last night was she misses our family:

What the heck do I talk about at dinner if we don't talk about
the kids, relationship, school-summer vacation:

Am I making this out too much as a first step to R?>

Any other comments or opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thx in advance.


oh, she wont give me a divorce either.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Thumper said:


> Am I making this out too much as a first step to R?


DING DING DING!! Yes, folks, we have a winner.

Thumper, just go out to dinner, relax and have a nice time. Bring a flower for her, use your best manners, don't drink to much and enjoy the evening.

Oh yeah, don't forget to pay for it and open the doors for her.

Seriously, you're reading too much into all this.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I guess my biggest question is? should I even bring up our marriage or situation? Unless she brings it up first?


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

As she suggested the dinner, I would take the cues from her. Let her choose the subjects of conversation, be as good a listener as you can.

She may have things she wants to talk about, so give her the floor if she wants. But I would try to be subtle about it - so, no 'so what is it you want to talk about?'.

Be pleasant, make small talk if she is not steering the conversation somewhere, but give her plenty of opportunities to open up.

If towards the end of the evening she has not broached anything major you can always ask -'was there something in particular you wanted to discuss?'.

If you love her still, you are probably allowed to say that at the end of the evening.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Thumper said:


> I guess my biggest question is? should I even bring up our marriage or situation? Unless she brings it up first?


No, don't.

Look, she asked you out for a nice dinner so go have a nice dinner.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

how'd it go?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

what a disaster, one of my wife's friends called me before dinner, wish me luck (she's been pushing for R - secretly), anyways, my daughter over heard us talking and she ran and told my wife, started a big fight just as we were leaving. why are you talking to my friend


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## JustPuzzled (Dec 12, 2012)

Oh, boy. Did you actually go to dinner?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

We made it to dinner, but damn it was like pulling teeth to get her to talk. She wanted to talk about her friend, wasn't going there. Next subject. We made it thru ok, but it was one of those one those one step forward, two back kinda nights. Glad is was only that bad.

Our daughter graduates in 7 days, then we won't be so stressed out. It's been a LONG haul getting her thru. And honestly a bit of contention between us over it.

With what I know now, looking around the restaurant, you could see the shakey marriages. So sad to see all these smartphones taking over relationships, some couples never said a word to each other. One playing games, the other texting away.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Btw one thing I learned, after 25 years of being with wife. I have NO game left, so out of practice. And with this pressure being so heavy as a result, trying to impress her back might be a long shot at best. Disconnected is a brutal end to a quarter century together.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Thumper said:


> Btw one thing I learned, after 25 years of being with wife. I have NO game left, so out of practice. And with this pressure being so heavy as a result, trying to impress her back might be a long shot at best. Disconnected is a brutal end to a quarter century together.


Don't try to impress her back. Just start doing your thing. Get in the shape of your life and take up activities that put you in contact with women. The hottest women are found at the gym.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

So, since the dinner did not go as well as it might have done, how about suggesting you go out again some time after your daughter graduates. Just you and your wife, to celebrate the outcome of all your trials and tribulations in getting your daughter through it despite your difficulties. A shared goal having come to fruition could be a good thing to celebrate.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

I felt like I should have walked across the stage and received my daughter's diploma along with her, so I know what you mean!

Maybe you don't have "game" still, but at a certain point the playing field tilts to the man. At this point, it is definitely tilting towards you.

At this point, you need to decide what you want. If you want your wife, you need to read up (His Needs, Her Needs, etc.) and go to IC and figure things out. 

She can't not give you a divorce. It's a process that marches forward. What have your actions been?


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Thumper

A couple of questions: when your wife wanted to talk about her friend, you, if I understood correctly, declined to do so. I am wondering why you took that position?.

You have, I think, said you want her to be transparent. Is there not a danger, if my understanding is correct, that she will feel you are asking of her something you are not prepared to do yourself?

My apologies if I have misunderstood.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

TTBB, its cause her friend and I have talked before and she didn't like it. We've been friends a few years, but my wife recently took as spying on her. I've tried to tell her, without success, its not like that at all. My wife feels everyone is spying on her.

I came to the realization a couple of nights ago, that I've just been chasing too hard, and theres is nothing left to chase. I've let myself get to motivated for R with her tiny little bits of hope she throws out there to reel me back in. My counselor told me that even tho she tells and does things that might sound like she's thinking about a possible R, its more about me letting her control me. 

I've learned so much about myself, her, marriage, and the pychology of it all. Its that time machine mentality, if only you could go back xx days and get a do over. But that's just not the reality of it, the reality of it...........its over and its time to move on.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Thumper said:


> TTBB, its cause her friend and I have talked before and she didn't like it. We've been friends a few years, but my wife recently took as spying on her. I've tried to tell her, without success, its not like that at all. My wife feels everyone is spying on her.
> 
> I came to the realization a couple of nights ago, that I've just been chasing too hard, and theres is nothing left to chase. I've let myself get to motivated for R with her tiny little bits of hope she throws out there to reel me back in. My counselor told me that even tho she tells and does things that might sound like she's thinking about a possible R, its more about me letting her control me.
> 
> I've learned so much about myself, her, marriage, and the pychology of it all. Its that time machine mentality, if only you could go back xx days and get a do over. But that's just not the reality of it, the reality of it...........its over and its time to move on.


Thumper

Thank you for the clarification.

Please accept my sympathies. Reading some of your other posts it sounds as though you have some real problems with her counsellor.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Well it was OUR marriage counselor first, one visit, 15 mins in, barely even spoke yet, and she looked at us and said the marriage was over. I think both my wife and I were stunned.

With our insurance, we got 3 visits paid for, I didn't want to go back, but my wife said she'd try an IC with her. In fact is was the next day, she came home from that visit talking separation, and possible divorce. And its only gotten worse, every visit she comes home with more hate, and more blame, and no acceptance on her own part. Looking back at the state website with feeback, she has a terrible rating for marriage and coulples counseling, but its too late as the damage is done, not being fixed.

I try to tell people in most my posts/responses now, DO NOT settle for the first one you visit if it doesn't feel right. I didn't get a chance to be open, cause she had already decided for us.


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