# Advice needed.When do you know you dont love someone anymore?



## lostinspace74 (Aug 18, 2011)

Hi All

I've been married for 8 years and get the feeling that things are coming to an end with my wife how do I know, sorry if this is a bit of a ramble but I'm slightly confused about the situation or even how I feel at the moment. There are a few things which I'll try and lay out in some sort of order.

1)One of my parents passed away a few years ago and at the time they lived in another country. Unfortunately by the time we arrived after sorting the tickets and travel out, I was too late to say my goodbyes. That in itself was bad enough but in addition to that my wife wouldn't stay over at my parents house with me on the night we arrived as she thought it wasn't "comfortable" enough for her liking, I was in a bit of a mess and needed that emotional support that you would expect from your family. I spent the night alone in the house. This issue has raised itself in a number of arguments as I cant seem to get past or even understand how she could have done that and I harbour feelings of total resentment towards her about what happened. She has admitted that she made an error but has never really explained why she didn't stay with me and support me, because of this I have some trust issues and I don't feel that I can really rely on her to support me or back me up in any life situations!

2)We both have good jobs but have made some bad decisions regarding our finances in the past. We decided to amalgamate our debt and then focus on paying it off which we managed to to after a few years. We have now have a beautiful 2 year old daughter as well. Unfortunately the costs of childcare being what it is in the UK we were unable to save enough money for a deposit on our own home. My wife's parents came up with the idea that she move back over to South Africa with our baby so that her Mum could look after the baby and bond a little more with her and my wife could then work and we could save a lot more money that way- we talked about it and made a joint decision to give it a go. About a month before they were due to leave I got really cold feet about the whole idea and asked them not to go. In the end I was begging her not to go, but she insisted. I've found it really difficult to adjust to this arrangement and have started thinking that maybe her parents suggested it to try divide us ( we come from different back rounds and cultures) or even my wife wanted to do it to get away and make it easier to break up. 

I've since been over to visit for two weeks and really enjoyed seeing my little girl. It didn't go so good with my wife though, on the one occasion that we were intimate I got the feeling that she wasn't really enjoying it or was just going along with it to placate me! As a result of that I didn't initiate any intimacy for the remainder of the holiday and surprise neither did she. Strange thing is that it didn't really bother me and I was happy enough not to engage in that way again.

I used to have a large group of friends via various hobbies and sports that I took part in, but over the years I seem to have lost them as I put more and more time into my marriage and doing things as a couple. Then when our baby came along it was 100% family life for me and I was more than happy with this arrangement, but since they have gone abroad I feel like I'm totally alone with no support.

3) I feel a lot of anger towards my wife at the moment for some of these issues but I also know I am to blame for the joint decisions and mistakes that we've made. At the moment I feel ok being alone but want to be able to see my little girl and think she will be better off in this country. Not sure if I go along telling me wife everything is ok so that I can get them back her, or to tell her while she is over there. I'm really worried that I will never see my little girl again. I cant see us living together as a family as I don't trust my wife to back me up and I get the feeling I will never be able to live up to her expectations, I really have tried for 8 years and feel perhaps there is someone else out there that can give her everything that she wants. I feel like I'm a good man and have always worked hard and I've never been unfaithful during our marriage but at the moment just don't seem to have that physical desire towards her as though its just burnt out. My family always said to me that she was very controlling and trying to change me and I think that they might have been right, as I made some major concessions to keep her happy but that's what you do when your in love. I kind of feel that the last 8 years has been a waste of time. The only good thing to come out of it is my beautiful baby girl. I really feel bad at the moment and unsure as to what decision to make the last thing I wont to do is to hurt anyone, I know that in the long run I will look like the bad one in this situation as it will be me that will make the choice (my wife and family don't believe in divorce). I do believe that I could be happier with someone else as I cant live up to my wife's expectations any more and I don't think its fair for me to keep her thinking that I still see myself wanting to live out the rest of lives together.

I know this has turned into a bit of ramble but any thoughts or advice most welcome.

Thanks

J


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## PeggyAnn (Aug 20, 2011)

I know what you feel - it feels like my husband has sucked the life right out of me. Counseling might be an option?


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