# just learned wife was abused as a child



## 4understanding (Oct 23, 2011)

Wife and I have been having issues for several months now, we have been married 10 year and have 2 young children. The problems began with her not showing any affection, being very cold and not interested in sex. She suggested we seea christian mc to which I agreed. We went together for 5 or 6 weeks then she asked to start going alone. After another month or two of her going alone it seemed like we were getting nowhere any I was getting very upset with her and was preparing to leave for a while.
Last week she called me at work asking if I would go see the mc with her tonight and I reluctantly said yes. She then broke down and told me that she was sexually abused when a child by her older brother. She is asking for time to work through this which I want to do for her. Has anyone been tHrough anything similar and any ideas how long she may need to recover? 
Since she hasn't been able to show me any emotion for 6 months or so now, I am very hurt by that, but also know that she is very hurt by what happened to her. Any helpful suggestions would be appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

So sorry you and your wife are going through this. My main concern is making sure that your "Christian Therapist" is actually qualified to help her.

Please, please, please make sure the therapist is a psychologist (masters of doctorate level) who is trained in this type of trauma recovery. No amount of prayer or religious doctrine will help to heal your wife if the core of the therapy is not using evidence-based methods. Your wife could be harmed by a bad therapist, so the stakes are quite high.

Other than that, please show your wife lots of patience, love and compassion. She probably feels like she is to blame in some way (even though she is not) and she probably has deep, deep feelings of shame. This will take a while to get over, especially since her brother is the perpatrator and there may also be a family dynamic that helped to hide or ignore the abuse. She may also feel a lot of anger towards her parents for not protecting her.

Again, please make sure the therapist is a licensed psychologist. It truly makes a huge difference who you get your therapy from!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

4, are you still out there?

My wife was also victimized as a child. She never told me for 30 years. We had some pretty bad years in there. It is indeed a good development that she told you.

Ditto what has already been said, btw.

You will be going through a lot of roller coaster emotions for a while. She will also. I highly recommend the book "Haunted Marriage" as one of the only resources out there for us secondary survivors.

She probably does feel great shame about the abuse, and she feels fear about people finding out about it. She probably also feels dirty and confused about sex. This is typical for abuse victims.

The best things you can do are to be supportive and keep the communications only. Don't take things personally as she goes through recovery, she may take things out on you which you should just try to roll with.

Definitely do not doubt what she says about the abuse, and don't tell her to just get over it or suck it up. Those are poisonous right now to her. In my marriage I learned that no matter what she says or admits to, I cannot agree or suggest that the abuse is in any way related to our marriage problems. Even though she knows on one level that she is affected by the abuse, she is not willing to admit that the effects spread externally.

Traditional marriage counseling may help you some, but you do need someone quite familiar with dealing with sex abuse victims. Be sure to take care of yourself, too. Good nutrition, exercise, guy activities, and if you need it therapy.

The AfterSilence dot org forums are a good resource dedicated to sexual abuse and assault.

Your question of how long? Anywhere from 1 to 5 years seems to be a typical range mentioned for women to recover. She will probably never be fully recovered in the sense that it will be as if it never happened. There will probably always be bad days or reminders, but they will reduce over time. Depending on how deep her problems are, she may make good improvements quickly. She may, though, get more upset at first.

I would not bail too quickly on her. At some point you can say that she has not stepped up to her adult responsibilities to face her issues. As long as she is going to a good therapist and keeping the communication lines open with you, I would be patient.

Be sure to tell her how important it is to you to be able to discuss the marriage issues but it is up to her to set the boundaries on discussing her abuse. You don't need to know what precisely happened, but it is absolutely fair to be able to talk about your relationship. She may be triggered by some things, and you need to know when that happens. She should be talking to you when necessary to tell you what is bad for her.

Good luck, 4!


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

It was year 23 of my marriage before my wife FINALLY confessed that she had been abused and raped repeatedly as a girl by a neighbor boy. I knew SOMETHING was wrong with her very shortly after the honeymoon started. 

One thing you should know is that, at least in my case, the abused person often suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). In my wife's case, this drastically affects the way she deals with life in general. People who suffer from PTSD tend to "stall" at the stage of life the trauma occurred at. So, what does a child do when things go wrong, drastically wrong? Well, it depends on the child and how they were raised. In my wife’s case she engaged in EXTREME avoidance in most every area of her life.

When I would confront her about not meeting my sexual needs in our marriage, she would blame me. She would not allow me to go to OB/GYN visits with her to determine why she was not able to engage in intercourse for 18 years of our marriage. She would lie. Lots and lots of lies and shifting of blame to me. There was lots more, but you get the picture.

We are 15 months past the day she FINALLY told me the truth and we started getting help (professional help). It's a long and very difficult road, or at least it has been for us. We are a long ways from good, but we are better.

I recommend the book "Wounded Heart" (available on Amazon). It's a bit technical, but well worth the read. It will give you some insights into your wife’s often baffling behaviors.

Also, many abuse victims suffer multiple GI problems. My wife's are extreme. There are other very real physical manifestations that will show up (or not).

Good luck.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

justaman, welcome.

I too knew something was wrong in the first year. If my wife had told me then about her abuse we would have both been spared a lot of anguish and unhappiness. She got very angry when I said that to her in therapy a couple of months ago. She does not believe that I have any right to even know of the abuse! It is something I am trying to deal with now, the fact that she can engage in such deception for so long and about something which so deeply affected my entire adult life. It is such a contradiction to the basic concepts of love and respect in a marriage.

How did you get your wife to go for therapy? Mine steadfastly refuses to acknowledge she cannot handle it alone. She went to our brief marriage counseling so she could control that away from discussion of her abuse being an issue in the marriage.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If you've been married ten years and have kids why is this problem about her abuse rising now?

Please understand I'm not trying to be insensative nor am I implying your wife is being untruthful about the abuse.

I am warning you that she may be using it as an excuse to cover her true reason for her lack of affection because it may be something she's unwilling to tell you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Tacoma, that is possible. Absolutely. However it is also common for abused women to manage for a while but then something triggers their trauma PTSD and they change dramatically. For my wife it was when the first baby was born. She went into overprotective mode in addition to having flashbacks and nightmares.

It is always wise to verify as much as possible, and so the OP should be vigilant while at the same time being supportive of his wife's recovery. Ideally he should be attending some of her therapy sessions so he can get input from the therapist on his part of helping her. It would also verify her story as to why she is suddenly out of the marriage emotionally and sexually.


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

Thor,

Thanks for the welcome!

My wife did NOT want to lose me, and even though I was not going to walk out on her, I was clearing getting more and more frustrated with her bizarre behaviors.

When I asked her why she finally told me she said, "I honestly thought you were going to leave me so I figured I had nothing left to lose."

Going to therapy--well, I didn't really give her an option and truthfully she didn't resist at the time. She is NOW however!! She refused to go in the office for the last session (she sat in the car). I went on in alone. Clearly, we have a LONG, LONG way to go here.

I hate to say it, but sometimes I pull that card on her. It's not a bluff either. Either she works on this marriage or we don't have a "deal" anymore (she is breaking her vow to me is what I mean). I would separate from her if she refuses to continue the hard, hard work of healing. I don't expect a bootleg 180 in her behavior, but I do expect to see regular work on her part to heal. 

Don't make that threat though, not unless you are prepared to do it. If you are, make a plan and be plain and very open about what you are doing with your wife. I'm not suggesting you do this, but IF you do, be firm and hold fast.

It's the "kick in the pants" my wife needs every once in a while to get back to the difficult work of healing.

Avoidance just doesn't cut it anymore. I make it clear that it is not acceptable. BUT I have to be careful. Our therapist tells me regularly to not push her too hard. It's a balancing act. Healing can't happen fast enough for me, and it seems a snails pace is too fast for her.



Good luck.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Thor said:


> It is always wise to verify as much as possible, and so the OP should be vigilant while at the same time being supportive of his wife's recovery. Ideally he should be attending some of her therapy sessions so he can get input from the therapist on his part of helping her. It would also verify her story as to why she is suddenly out of the marriage emotionally and sexually.


Agreed.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

JustAMan2 said:


> When I asked her why she finally told me she said, "I honestly thought you were going to leave me so I figured I had nothing left to lose."
> .
> .
> .
> Avoidance just doesn't cut it anymore. I make it clear that it is not acceptable. BUT I have to be careful. Our therapist tells me regularly to not push her too hard. It's a balancing act. Healing can't happen fast enough for me, and it seems a snails pace is too fast for her.


I think that is why my wife told me, too. I confronted her about the desperate condition of our marriage this summer, and intended to require therapy or I would divorce. I was prepared to divorce. That was when she broke down and revealed the abuse to me.

Then she refused therapy 4 times during that conversation when I specifically asked her. I never set the condition requiring therapy in that conversation because of the huge curve ball she'd thrown at me.

A month later I made an individual therapy appointment which she found out about and then attended. She was controlling the therapy to avoid the abuse becoming an issue. 

The main problem I am facing wrt the abuse is that she has completely taken it off the table for discussion with regards to the marriage. I don't need to know what happened to her or even what her thoughts or emotions are about it. But I do need to be able to discuss our relationship. Sometimes our relationship bumps up against the abuse issue, either in a surprise movie plot or if I might pester her for something which I don't know is a trigger.

My unspoken requirement now is that she has to bring to the marriage what I need or the marriage is over. There has to be good improvement in all aspects of our marriage, and it has to be consistent though with allowances for normal miscues. If she can do all that without therapy it is acceptable.

We are still in the early stages of recovering our marriage. If we need more couples therapy she may or may not choose to participate. I'm at the point in life where my patience will be short with any refusals to fully participate.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

JustAMan2 said:


> I hate to say it, but sometimes I pull that card on her. It's not a bluff either. Either she works on this marriage or we don't have a "deal" anymore (she is breaking her vow to me is what I mean).


I consult with a psychologist who is herself a child sex abuse survivor. She agrees that wives like ours, and like she was until she sought therapy ten years into her marriage, are in violation of their wedding vows. Simply not telling the husband of the abuse is a violation. Being in a nearly sexless marriage is a violation. Putting up walls to emotional intimacy is a violation.

The deception and long term lies are problematic for me. It shows she accepts deception and lies in the marriage. And so the trust issue comes up. For me the trust is one of the biggest barriers for me to overcome from my side of the equation.


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## insideandout (Nov 2, 2011)

I have read a lot of your responses. You all have great advise and for the majority of you that have gone through this experience with your wife or are just finding out about the abuse. Your support is HUGE. It takes a every ounce of courage and effort for a woman to trust a male again after being abused.

I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 6. My last relationship before I started dating my husband, I was in an abusive relationship (this man hit me, threw plates, vases at me, verbally abused me and physically abused me, drugged me, and threatened to kill me) I was also molested at 7 years old for 2 1/2 years by my friends father (I told my parents and church about the molestation, but they didn't believe) 

When I was 7 and no one believed me about being molested and then the molestation continued for 2 and a half years, you become hesitant to tell anyone. I think that is what it comes down to. People don't care to listen or don't want to believe, unless they have been through abuse themselves. They don't understand the pain, the scare, the hurt, the nightmares that come with it, the loss of trust, the loss of not feeling good enough for anyone (even your husband), the feeling of no one believing in you. It is very scary, difficult, and sad really. I would have to say I struggle more now, because I have 2 beautiful girls. My stress, my worries, my problems with myself and relationship with my husband are issues now because my daughters are going to be 7 one day and I worry about her safety. It would kill me if something ever happened to my daughters and I PRAY TO GOD that nothing ever does and that I will be a good enough mom to stop that from happening. It's the flashbacks that are the worst. I have nightmares ever day. It's very difficult.

Be there for your wives. They really do need their best friends, you. Listening is the best, without advice!!!! Compliments are a must!! Men, take care of yourselves as well. Also THINK ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS ON A DAILY BASIS, as sometimes certain actions can trigger flashbacks or just cause us to want to be alone. I also agree that your wives do eventually need to be an adult and move forward. The memories may/most likely will never go away, and there will be tough days, but understanding and support are the best thing you can do. Seeing a councillor for sexual assault and abuse is a MUST!! This should be something that any victim of abuse should do throughout their lifetime. Also if you feel you need to understand victims of abuse, see a councillor as well, that way you will have a better understanding on how to be a better supporter/comforter. Your wives also need to continue to talk to you about their past, and listen, even if you have heard the same story over and over again. It helps release the hurt, the memory, the bad feelings. That's a bit from me. I am truly sorry for the women who have been abused and I pray for their healing and a pray for their husbands that you all will continue to be strong and stick by their sides and I thank their husbands for being supportive and understanding, it makes a world of difference.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

how common is memory repression of such an event in a woman's childhood?

If a woman displays outward symptoms, but doesn't want to be evaluated for it, could the fear of the memory alone be enough to repress it?


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## insideandout (Nov 2, 2011)

Memory repression is very common. For someone who is showing symptoms, but doesn't want to be evaluated, usually means that they have either tried to talk about it and no one listened or there possibly was a threat involved with the abuse causing this person to shut down. This person needs to find the someone right to trust in, in order to open up about the abuse. That may take years to find, I would suggest for this person to search for this friend of trust and right away, that way they can start opening up and healing. 

Anyone that has experience child abuse, will live with the memory. It's how they decide to use their experience in their day to day ways to see past what has happened. I am a victim and even though I still suffer with nightmares, memories, and emotional challenges and depression, I do take time to be involved in classes of young women, where we will have deep conversations of sexual matters and all types of abuse. 

It took me 12 years since my first experience of abuse to open up and talk with someone. That someone is my husband. Now i am seeing councillor more regularly, which has helped extremely. Even though I am seeing a councillor, this is the most fragile stage that I am in, only because I have 2 daughters. My memories are worse then ever, because my daughters remind me of how young I was when I first was abuse. I have this fear of someone harming them. That is my WALL and my battle that I am facing right now. 

Just be the best support and best friend you can be with this woman or any other that has faced abuse. Let them talk and be yourself.


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

Thor said:


> I consult with a psychologist who is herself a child sex abuse survivor. She agrees that wives like ours, and like she was until she sought therapy ten years into her marriage, are in violation of their wedding vows. Simply not telling the husband of the abuse is a violation. Being in a nearly sexless marriage is a violation. Putting up walls to emotional intimacy is a violation.
> 
> The deception and long term lies are problematic for me. It shows she accepts deception and lies in the marriage. And so the trust issue comes up. For me the trust is one of the biggest barriers for me to overcome from my side of the equation.


:iagree:

Thor, you are hitting the nail right squarely on the head as to how it feels on my side of the equation too!! It's SO frustrating.

I told my wife that basically it feels like to me what she has done is to "pass on" the abuse to me, even though I am not guilty of doing it to her. That may sound cold, but again, that's how I FEEL, not accusing her of doing that on purpose (she has not, of course), but still, that how it FEELS to me. I am being punished for what someone else did to her. That's a poor way to put it. What I mean is her failure to tell me and get help much, much sooner makes me feel that way.

The whole "stuffing it" routine that she did, which caused TREMENDOUS damage to her and to me and to our relationship is what has made it so difficult for both of us. 

See, at some point in time, an abuse victim has to stand up and say, "Yes, I was abused, but I will no longer let that control my life." They then have to take HEALTHY and PRODUCTIVE steps to heal. Hard?? Oh, my, yes, it is the hardest thing my wife has ever done (and she's done some incredibly difficult things in her life). My point is that a failure to "own it" and "deal with it" at some point becomes the fault of the abused victim. They CANNOT help that they were abused. They have no control over things in the past that were done to them (in my wife's case the abuse started when she was 7, the boy was 16), BUT they do have a degree of control over how they let it affect them as an adult.

Not only the abuse victim, but how they let if affect ALL of their relationships--but in particular the marriage relationship.

If you are a victim of abuse and you are reading this--PLEASE do not delay any longer. Tell SOMEONE. A trusted friend, a minister, a councilor, your spouse. It's not fair to your spouse and your life will never be complete until you heal.

Many of us know first hand what's it's like to deal with a mate who refuses to reveal critical information that we need to make important, life changing decisions. It causes nothing but pain, confusion, anger, resentment, and that's just the start of the destructive emotions.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I have survived physical, emotional and sexual abuse. My cousin sexually abused me for a year when I was only 7. I was also raped at 19.

I disagree that your therapist has to be a psychologist. I have had the best help from a psychiatric nurse, as well as a therapist without a doctorate. Wisdom and healing can come from unexpected places. Some people respond well to religious based counseling, although I am not one of them.

Be patient with her. Do not push her for sexual acts that she is uncomfortable with. She will need your support.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

JustAMan2 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Thor, you are hitting the nail right squarely on the head as to how it feels on my side of the equation too!! It's SO frustrating.
> 
> ...


Thank you for that. You really distilled it down and it helped to read it.

I have this mental image of a black finger of lightning reaching out through time from my wife's abuser to touch me with his evil. I do not think of my wife as being evil, but her abuse has touched my life in so many bad ways.

Abused women don't seem to see the damage that they are doing to their loved ones when they keep the secret.

In a marriage therapy session I told my wife that I felt anger at never being told of her abuse. I told her that I felt I had a RIGHT to know about it because it so deeply affected my life. She nearly divorced me the next week over that, saying that she felt as violated by my statements as she did by the original abuse.

I think there is a definite opposition of rights in play to some extent. She certainly has a right to privacy. Nobody has a right to know anything about her, including the abuse, without her permission. On the other hand, everybody has a right to know important facts which will deeply affect their lives when they are making big decisions and commitments, such as getting married or having children.

With 29 yrs of marriage, several children, and a lot of good times in our history, it is difficult to just pull the plug. Now that I know of the abuse it is clear how it affected our marriage. I did not react healthily to the problems early on, etc etc, and here we are 29 yrs later with kids old enough that I was willing to consider divorce. So now she tells me of the abuse and all the puzzle pieces fall in place.

A healthy mature male (I was a naive 21 yr old when we got married) would have precipitated a divorce or real solution in year one. I tried but was gaslighted by my own individual therapist (a horror story for another thread some day).

At this point yes she is responsible to be an adult about resolving her issues. But I have to find the right balance in giving her time/space vs letting her further avoid it.

JustAMan2, I do envy that you are able to discuss it with your wife. My wife has made it clear that the topic is off the table. It is a deal breaker level boundary for her.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> how common is memory repression of such an event in a woman's childhood?
> 
> If a woman displays outward symptoms, but doesn't want to be evaluated for it, could the fear of the memory alone be enough to repress it?


There is strong evidence that so-called 'recovered memories' are not true unless there are other non-repressed memories. So if a woman has always had some memories, even fuzzy or partial, she may well have other repressed memories too. In therapy or just by themselves those other memories can surface. I believe that these repressed memories are true memories within the normal range of accuracy of human memory. Memories from childhood are probably very distorted due to the child's inability to understand what was happening, yet the memories represent real events.

But a woman with no memories whatsoever who then has memories pulled out of her by a therapist is a different story. It has been controversial, and I am not a qualified researcher on the subject. But what I have seen in literature strongly suggests to me that this scenario is one where there was no abuse. 

There is no way to tell from the outside what your wife may remember right now or what her symptoms may be due to. If she denies abuse it means nothing because many women (my wife included) will deny abuse occurred even though they have clear memories of it. Your wife's symptoms could mean anything. You might make some guesses as to what is most likely, but I would caution you not to come to firm conclusions.

However, it is my opinion that if she is refusing therapy in general (without you framing it as you think she was sexually abused), she fears something. To be clear, I can see a person disagreeing they need therapy for something specific if they don't believe they have that problem. If she has no memory of abuse then she will reasonably tell you she doesn't want to go to therapy for it.

Are you asking her to go to individual therapy or to marriage therapy?

If you ask her to go to therapy for your marriage and she refuses, I think she knows of something she wants to hide. It could be abuse, it could be an affair, it could be an addiction, it could be a million different things. She may simply fear that therapy will fail and the result will be divorce.

My wife refused marriage therapy several times many years ago before I knew of her abuse. Now it is obvious she did not want the truth to come out. Recently she refused marriage therapy after I knew of the abuse. I did not say I wanted therapy for the abuse, I wanted therapy for the marriage. She refused, but then when I made an appt for myself she suddenly came along _to manage the therapy sessions away from her abuse_.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

insideandout said:


> When I was 7 and no one believed me about being molested and then the molestation continued for 2 and a half years, you become hesitant to tell anyone. I think that is what it comes down to. People don't care to listen or don't want to believe, unless they have been through abuse themselves. They don't understand the pain, the scare, the hurt, the nightmares that come with it, the loss of trust, the loss of not feeling good enough for anyone (even your husband), the feeling of no one believing in you. It is very scary, difficult, and sad really.


I am so sorry for what you went through as a child.

Are you able to discuss things with your husband? As difficult as it would be for me to hear from my wife what happened or about her current emotional difficulties, it seems that dealing with it head on would be at least constructive. As a husband I want to help my wife. I don't want her to suffer. It isn't dumping on me to ask for my help or to tell me difficult things. It is my job as husband to be there!

The part I quoted above is exactly what other survivors write on an abuse forum I frequent (aftersilence dot org). I think that the fear of rejection is quite real yet it is unnecessary. Yes some people will reject you, but not the true friends. In some sense it is better to have friends who know the true you than to have friends who you have to pretend around. And of course not every casual acquaintance needs to know every fact about us.

With people who are important in our lives it is better to get to open honesty immediately. Which means we risk rejection, but isn't it better to get rejection early rather than needlessly suffer for years only to get rejection later?


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

Thor said:


> Thank you for that. You really distilled it down and it helped to read it.
> 
> I have this mental image of a black finger of lightning reaching out through time from my wife's abuser to touch me with his evil. I do not think of my wife as being evil, but her abuse has touched my life in so many bad ways.
> 
> ...


Thor,

Your "image" is very, very powerful and very accurate, I think, to spouses who find themselves in our situations.

Most abused people see THEMSELVES as the victim (and they ARE--or rather WERE!!!) but they also fail to see how they have victimized the innocent spouse. They "pass it along" as it were. Not the actual abuse, but the aftershocks of it.

You DID and DO have a right to know Thor. Not all the nitty gritty details from the past, but rather how that past of your wife's affects her, you and your marriage in the here and now. I try to stay focused on that--the here and now. 

My wife and I stood before God, each other, our families and friends and took a vow. She entered into a covenant relationship with me (and me her) and we both have the RIGHT to know everything that affects (or even has the potential to affect) that relationship. EVERYTHING!!!

Give yourself a break for not reacting in the best of ways to your wife's bizarre behaviors in the past. How were you to know? It was her responsibility to come clean and enlist your help. Anything less is, at least in my book, a breach of the marriage covenant.

Your wife needs to realize how deeply and profoundly this has affected you and seek healing. She needs to realize that she is BOUND to you in a very profound way and thus has to consider your feelings and needs. I agree that you cannot just "pull the plug" on a 29 year marriage, but at the same time, she has literally been pulling the plug for 29 years on you.

If she will not go to MC, go by yourself. Find ways to be the best you can be as a husband. Read the book "Wounded Heart", I'm sure there are also some other materials available as well. Some how, some way, you need to try to convince your wife that continuing to allow this to affect your relationship in the way she has in the past is unacceptable. Only you can determine how hard you can push this issue.

Also, only you can decide what YOU will accept as a spouse. Just sitting down and determining that for yourself will be very empowering for you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I tend to not care a lot about the 'why'. I don't really worry about whether mommy drank or daddy touched you and such. I'm too much of a behaviorist to worry about that. And I'm not particularly interested in the inner child. All that really concerns me is how you behave and how can that be improved. Go to therapy, see a shaman, pray to the sun god and roll around on the ground hypnotized. I don't care, if it works it works, if not stop doing it. 

If it turned out there was a concrete reason, an event or series of events that made my wife what she is today - so what? That's for her to sort out and she if wants to get better, act better and not be such a pain in the ass, great. If not, then it's more decades of the same and all the hand wringing in the world isn't going to change that. 

Because part of being responsible for one's own life, for owning one's own problems and such, is also recognizing that you don't own anyone's or everyone else's problems either.


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## insideandout (Nov 2, 2011)

Thank-you Thor for you kind words. 

I do talk with my husband, we have always been overall great with conversations and he was aware of all my abuses when we were first dating. Everything was laid out before we even got married. My husband is everything to me. I was on a great run of power and confidence and trust into 8 years of being with my husband. Things have been rocky for about 2 years, not to the point of divorce, but just arguments and fights and loss of trust. Not only I am starting to really face some of my own battles/emotional/mental challenges, so is my husband. He never faced sexual abuse but he faced a form of family abuse. We both as children were often on our own and we both had/forced to grow-up quickly. Unfortunately, I have had a bit of a set back, due to some actions that my husband decided to take (pornography) My trust is broken and I have that feeling of failure and worthlessness, which is a huge emotion that most victims of abuse face. Worthlessness. I am not mad that he has ever looked at pornography, I am upset that he has done this throughout our married life (6 years), when I trusted him and believed him to not hurt me (especially when he is aware of my past). I confronted him and we talked. I am past the looking at the pornography part, and am not past the lie. Anyways, a little off topic, but that brings me where I am at today and having some flashbacks and the unsureness in myself and trusting. I have a lot of work within myself before I can be a great wife and mother. I know that, I am aware of that, and I am continuously working on it. By all means, I am not perfect. 

Again I will quote: it is a great importance, that whether it be the husband or friend you need to be aware of your actions when dealing with a victim.

As for rejection. I am not so much afraid of rejection, I just don't liked to be played. In some sense and this is just what I believe, but when a person has been abused once, it's like we carry an ORA about us that somehow gives others the "okay" the "right" to continue to to harm to the victim of abused. Most victims have not only been abused once, but they may have been twice or more times.

I appreciate this topic  Thank-you


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Survivors of abuse are often humiliated and ashamed by what has happened to them. It is not so easy to share!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

insideandout said:


> Again I will quote: it is a great importance, that whether it be the husband or friend you need to be aware of your actions when dealing with a victim.


I am heartened that you and your husband are able to talk about the topic. Having open honesty is, to me, the only way to resolve an issue.

In my case, my actions were done without awareness of her CSA. She has told me a few things which are triggers or which have an association with her abuse (though she has not told me anything about the abuse at all). Now I realize that I have been triggering her without knowing! One of the triggers is a normal food item, one is a song, and another is a common physical touch. I feel so horrified that I was triggering her over the years. She probably has associated me with her abuser many times as a result.

So I do apologize to abuse survivors if I come across as a bit resentful of their secrecy within a marriage, because I feel quite victimized myself by both the original abuse and by the secrecy of it. I am deeply sympathetic to the survivor's hurt, and I admire the strength in survivors who work to overcome what was done to them.


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## insideandout (Nov 2, 2011)

In most cases the awareness is not there because the victim has been secretive about the abuse, which you have noted in your own situation. Even though I have been open with my husband, I know I have put him through a lot and I know that part of our marriage struggles are due to the fact that I never took action to heal myself soon enough. I was always my true self with my husband, but what secrecy causes is the unsureness "do I really know this person" and that is a very uncomfortable feeling for anyone, especially when you are finding these things out in your marriage. Secrecy should never be apart of a well balanced marriage. One thing my husband and I have working is not commenting on how, "you have changed, no you have changed". I love my husband and I know he loves me, we just need to start ACCEPTING what's been done and make healthy steps in moving forward. It's very hard, but it feels great when you succeed.

I don't think you have to apologize for anything Thor. I believe secrecy is the most damaging. It is great that you are able to open up about how you feel and let us (victims) be more aware of our own actions as well. No one person is perfect, and everyone has something to work on within themselves whatever that may be. "Don't be bitter, be better" is a quote I often will tell myself. I have to learn not to be bitter about what has happened (hard), but instead be proud that I am still here today, that I am caring, loving, a decent woman, that I am an amazing wife and mother. I have done well for myself. My husband need to be aware of all those positives as well and possibly compliment more with the positives. Victims need to complement themselves more often 

I appreciate everyones opinions and am thankful to have been able to talk with all of you about these issues. Thank-you and I continue to pray that healing will be placed upon all the victims of abuse and on all the husbands/wives/friends that share apart in the victims that have been abused.


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