# we ARE taking time apart



## losthusband13 (Nov 3, 2011)

Ive been with my lovly gorgeous, smart wife for 5-6 yrs, we have been married 3.5yrs. We had to go to a foreign country and basically stay in a small town for a good 2 yrs of our marriage. It was really hard. I made a lot of mistakes and lied constantly about prescription pill abuse as well. She had never dealt with that. At the time I was dealing with both parents dying (that had divorced in 5th grade) and my wifes family was still together and very "middle class ". 
I had grown up all over the world, she had never left the state. Our lives were so different but we were perfect it was scary. Anywyas, after our stay in a small port town outside of the U.S. It took a toll on our relationship as well as my deception of prescription drugs. She became agoraphobic, I became angry and used drugs because we werent doing ANYTHING.
When we finally came back to the US I decided that I had to end the looong chapter of my life that had so much pain and suffering and deception (whole reason for living in a small town outside of US was cause my mother wasnt American and had to deal with an inheritance that was being fought in her home town, and I, defending, hence my wife staying by my side through the whole debacle) . I came clean, told my wife, and decided to get help because I needed to restart, get my wife on that path also since we had seemd to lose our spark and were distance from each other. She took it hard (the drugs AGAIN), and distanced herself. In the meantime we were moving back and staying at her parents since I was searching for a house for both of us. Everyone decided it would be best to stay at her parents untill we found a house because it would cost too much for an apartment until we found a house. IE An unecesary expense. It became increasingly difficult as i noticed my wife drifting from me, and my life getting crushed by everyone around me while waiting for this house. The whole time I went and got sober, took care of my sobriety, made it a point to show her I was sober (weekly tests, etc, meetings, I WAS SERIOUS ABOUT IT AND STILL AM) Everything I tried to do got rejected, everymove I made got slapped down by her... It was months since we had sex and that was unheard of, we had incredible sexual chemistry, the best. She starts hiding things from me, phones codes etc. I figure out her code by eying it one day, but I let it go for a few weeks thinking Im being paranoid. All the time Im feeling something is waaay off, just by the way shes answering me on things, just the way shes acting, and I know the person like they were my twin.. I finally one night check her phone... She had a guy she was nasty talking, I mean NASTY. How she was so sexually frustraded, how she wanted him to do things to her, and meanwhile I was trying everything to get her to open up, and this POS is sweet talking her.
I blow a gasget, its 2am. 
I wake her parents up, Im flipping out, I was so hurt,so.. hurt..
Ive never been hurt that bad. Surre Ive had girlfriends cheat on me... But this.. this was my wife, Knowing her, I never.. NO ONE, ever thought she was capable of this. Its not like she upgraded either!!! He was older, had a fiancee (risk of sounding racist) He was a 39yr old mexican with a fiancee and a babies mamas, and more!!! Im a good looking guy! (at least thats what ive gotten from women before! And this dude looked so scummy!!) It was nothing like her! She wasnt this person!
It was her tattoo artist she chose for one tattoo! We both are in that industry, or I am, and she wanted a certain style, I push her in that direction, because of a friend of a friend. 
Anywyas, I move into the house I had bought that we were waiting on moving in while the construction was being done. I find out the dude is a good friend of a friend, and that he didnt realize what he had done, that he was sorry, all they did was kiss and talk dirty, and that he is beyond sorry, hes sick over it, blah blah blah.... 
Meanwhile Im a wreck, a total wreck...
I believe both of em. Im still hurt.
We decide to take time apart.
Its been 3 weeks... She at her parents, me at the house. We are doing really good considering, made love last night for the first time in months, and have had a nice date, and have had the nicest talks weve had in a long time these past few weeks...
We decided to take time apart to get our heads together since she really went and did something that wasnt her. She wants to go see a counselor by herself (eventually together if we get together), and we both arent jumping to divorce like our first impulses were. I love her too much...
Im So Lost.
I love her so much. we both know what we did wrong. can we ever move on? Can we love each other like before our huge moves around the world? Can we make it?
Shes perfect for me..... I dont want to lose her.....ray:
I know its a lot of info crammed. if you have more questions plz ask, ill be honest. Tell me, what are my options? Thank you.

Excuse the grammar and spelling errors...


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

The mexican part did sound racist, as if for some reason that makes him less of a person, by the way Im mexican, so I will point it out and let it go because I see you are in pain.
You both did wrong. You both lied. I am not saying having an emotional affair on her part is justified but maybe she felt tha in order to get even, she needed to lie and hide something as well.
However, you said you both AREN'T jumping for divorce which is very important because if one wants a divorce then it kind of goes downhill from there ( in most cases). I think you have a chance, its great that she is going to counseling. If you have recently had a nice date, long talks, and made love than obviously the chemistry is still there. Also by what you have written it seems she still cares about you. Give her time and space and continue to work on yourself. I think you can move on, it will take a lot of work but it can be done.


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## losthusband13 (Nov 3, 2011)

Im sorry if i sounded racist, My mother is french, my dad italian lituanian, and I was born in a muslim country, I grew up there and hongkong, Im the least racist person i know, its really to show, that she was the whitest most suburbon kid, and really it was HER parents that wouldnt get past racial and or "class" structure. There are beutiful people on every end of any race, its just, if you saw and knew her, it was THE most suprising person she could have ever done this with. Older, different, and really, not her ideal person (I know her so well, she would picks any type of person, just, he was just so different, and really not good looking) I wasnt trying to be racist or anything. It was so much to fill in one story, so much detail, and with no real background, I know it seems bad... Im sorry. I didnt mean it like that at all... Trust me, if you knew her and me, and you saw the guy, you would be like, really???


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

It's fine, you didn't include that in your original post so I had no way of knowing it would be someone she wouldnt normally be attracted to. But back to the point, honestly based on what you are saying I think your marriage has a chance of surviving. So be patient and continue to strive to be the best possible you. Because even if in the end it doesnt work out. Working on yourself will benefit you regardless.
Also, keep posting on here. It really helps to read others stories and be able to get/give advice. You are lucky your marriage has a chance. I will be divorced very soon, so work hard on it but make sure you are BOTH working hard to save the marriage.


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## losthusband13 (Nov 3, 2011)

We had a loong talk yesterday. We came to the conclusion that we will give this another shot, we both did wrong, lets just put it behind us, and keep going forward. We also decided, if in lets say 6 months we just dont seem happy, we would rather seperate friends, than being bitter and angry. And then we could also say we tried everything.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Thats great to hear. Good luck, I hope it works out very well for you and your wife


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