# Timing on introducing kids to someone new



## Trainer78 (Sep 14, 2013)

Hello all,

I did a search on the forum for advice for introducing someone new to my kids. However, I kept getting results on people asking about their exes introducing THEIR new significant others. 

My situation - separated almost two years, divorce will be final by mid October. I have three children 6, 4, 2 where the oldest who is the most aware seems to have accepted that Mommy and Daddy are no longer together and will not get back together. My 4 year old doesn't question the situation, but I'm sure he will down the road. My 2 year old knows no different. She only knows Mommy is Mommy, and Daddy lives elsewhere and comes to visit a couple times a week. Anyway, I've been dating someone for 3 months and he definitely is not rushing meeting the kids. He's excited to meet them, but totally understands that it's on my timeline and he wants me to be 100% comfortable with it whether it be next month or next year or a couple years down the road. He's awesome. My plan is to wait til the 6 month mark to see where we stand and to reassess when I'd like to my kids to meet him.

I'd like at some point after the 6 month mark to have him meet the kids in a casual setting, like an outing to a museum or something else with distractions to see how he interacts with them. This would be no different than the kids hanging out with other friends of mine who accompany us out for the day or come and hang out at the house with us. There would be no PDA, it would be totally friendly and casual. I'd rather do that and see if it clicks before getting more invested in the relationship. He definitely has long term potential. Even after 3 months, I think we are pretty serious, but of course, I'm cautious. I want to be smart about it. And there's no way I'd introduce them this early on. 

What has everyone else done? What have been your experiences? I've dated here and there, but it was nothing and my kids know nothing about it. This is totally different. 

Please give me some advice!

Thanks all!


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Wait until the divorce is final at least.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

After my first wife and I divorced, I waited for a couple years before I started dating again. I was one of those guy that didn't want to just date a woman just to say "Hey I'm dating". 

One day I met a woman. She was divorced and had no kids and she knew I had one daughter. We dated for maybe four months when my daughter asked me if I had a girlfriend. She was around 8 at the time. I told her that I was and she asked what her name was and all that small stuff but I kept my personal life private around her because I felt it was best and the other reason was her mother, my EX was going through guys like crap through a goose. 

One day my daughter asked me when she was going to see my girlfriend and I asked her if she would like to meet her. She said she did, so the next time I had my daughter for my weekend, I introduced her to my girlfriend and we went out to dinner. I kept it as casual as I could and I never mixed my time with my daughter with my girlfriend. That was important. I didn't want my daughter to feel she was being put on the back burner. 

My advice, keep it light and do not try to force anything. Not only do the kids have to adjust but he will too. 

One other thing. DO NOT have this guy spend the night even on the couch with your kids there. Wait until they are with their dad. The one thing you don't want is the kids seeing this guy coming out of your bedroom in the morning. Not a good example. I'm not accusing, just saying.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

6301 said:


> my EX was going through guys like crap through a goose.


I'm sorry, but this is about the funniest thing I've seen on TAM in days. Disgusting, but hilariously appropriate. :rofl:


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## Trainer78 (Sep 14, 2013)

6301 said:


> My advice, keep it light and do not try to force anything. Not only do the kids have to adjust but he will too.
> 
> One other thing. DO NOT have this guy spend the night even on the couch with your kids there. Wait until they are with their dad. The one thing you don't want is the kids seeing this guy coming out of your bedroom in the morning. Not a good example. I'm not accusing, just saying.


Oh gosh yes. He'd be introduced as a friend no different than any other friends they know of mine. Everything will be light and casual with NO INKLING whatsoever that it is more than a friendship until I know everyone is ready. 

I'm also very cautious about my kids even seeing or hearing about him until I'm ready to introduce. My kids come first, they have one Dad, and they will never be put on the backburner. 

Thank you for the advice! Helps alot.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I will tell you my story, take from it what you will as it is only relevant to my particular situation.

My kids are early to mid teens and very aware of what is going on around them.
His are similar ages.

We were both at roughly the 18 month to 2 year mark post separation/divorce before we met.

Both sought professional advice on how to start the blending process.

Waited just on 12 months to introduce everyone as per the advice we both got.

All the kids knew we were dating at about the 6 month mark as we were becoming very sure this was a LTR.

Introduced everyone on a level playing field at a local event, had dinner and wandered around the city at the event for the evening. This way there was no pressure for anyone to be forced to get along. Kids did get along well.

We are now at the 2 year mark and he stays here when the kids are here. I have stayed at his place when his kids are there but not often as he does not have his kids as much as I do. I do 50/50 shared care with my ex so have plenty of me time.

We have both put in a huge effort to do this well, keeping everyone's best interests at heart. We are a very PDA type of couple and our kids don't seem to have any issues with us, if they did we would reevaluate how much time we all spend together.

We constantly monitor the situation, have taken things very slowly and do things that involve the kids, go for picnics, sports events, festivals etc. We don't sit around the house expecting the kids to play together, instead we plan outings together.

So far things are going well but we are both on exactly the same page with this. The odds are stacked against blended families but SO and I are taking all the right steps to ensure we do this as successfully as possible. We have made it clear to the kids that they are no. 1.

Wishing you all the best with this stage. Good on you for thinking it through and not rushing.


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## Trainer78 (Sep 14, 2013)

Holland said:


> We have both put in a huge effort to do this well, keeping everyone's best interests at heart.
> 
> We constantly monitor the situation, have taken things very slowly and do things that involve the kids, go for picnics, sports events, festivals etc.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your story! It helps alot. We do have everyone's best interest at heart. He doesn't have kids, but he is very understanding about waiting until I'm ready, knows that my kids are #1 and has said that he knows that they are the most important thing to me and if we are going to work, they will be the most important thing to US. 

Again, THANK YOU!!


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