# A Book Written from a BH's Perspective



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

I came across the author in an unrelated forum - he is a screenwriter. When I looked him up he had written a book about divorce and being a BH. Its more like an extended essay than a book - approximately 100 pages. I thought I'd pass it along to the folks at TAM in case it might be of interest and might help some folks. I read it - the kindle edition is only $2.99 on Amazon. The book is:

Falling Forward: A Man's Memoir of Divorce by Chris Easterly

From the description:

*"He should have seen it coming: the lace underwear dangling from the clothes rack, the frequent late nights at work, the svelte green dress she wore to hang out with friends. When Hollywood screenwriter Chris Easterly's wife came clean about her affair, his mind went blank. And so began the long, unimaginably difficult reconstruction of his life after marriage. Relentlessly honest and profoundly moving, 'Falling Forward' explores the emotional journey of one man's divorce, from his wife's affair to the seemingly bottomless grief that followed to his eventual healing and the realization that he would survive."*

The author is a good writer IMO and you really see what is going on after his divorce. There is a Christian element but don't let that scare the more secular folks off it is a good read for a BH or BW IMO.

He does some stuff right and some stuff wrong but it all seems very real and his XW seems like a real piece of work. It is always interesting how WSs follow 
similar patterns. I thought I would just pass this along in case it could be of use.
The wife blames his depression in part for cheating (he was bed ridden and she didnt feel wanted) in their brief 6 year marriage and he makes an observation which fueled his desire for a divorce - how could he be sure should he get sick again years down the line that she wouldn't use that as an excuse to check out again. He could not live with the uncertainty. Granted he did waver and asked for a reconciliation at one point but his wife was cool to the idea and when she asked him he was done with her - I think the second pregnancy ended her chances. She got pregnant and miscarried after her affair and then while separated was obviously sleeping with someone. It was sad but illuminating for me to read his struggles.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I bought it. Thanks. As a fWW, I am always interested in hearing from the BH's perspective.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I bought it. Thanks. As a fWW, I am always interested in hearing from the BH's perspective.


I hope you find it useful - it is a brief book and he is a good writer.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

ES,

You wrote, *I bought it. Thanks. As a fWW, I am always interested in hearing from the BH's perspective.* 

What amazes me is how often people who cheat do not want to hear what it's like from the other side, they prefer to drive with snow on their windows.

I think your approach goes a long way to explaining why your marriage recovered. 

Tamat


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> ES,
> 
> What amazes me is how often people who cheat do not want to hear what it's like from the other side, they prefer to drive with snow on their windows.
> 
> t


Agreed. The WW in the book did not sound very introspective at all - more like entitled to her affair. She never took full responsibility. His description of his struggles is useful IMO for seeing what a BS goes through in their "alone" time.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

If other people do buy the book and read it I would appreciate it if you could post your thoughts about the book here. I'd be interested in reading other reactions to the book.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I finished reading it just a few minutes ago. Goodness, it really was a short book. I liked it well enough and may read it again. I didn't like that it wasn't in chronological order. The narrative opens on their honeymoon, then immediately switches to D-Day, then tells about the early years of their marriage, then skips D-Day and goes straight to the divorce process.

I found it really sad that while they were married and she was in the affair, and for some time during the divorce process, he desperately wanted her back, but her loyalties were elsewhere and she wanted nothing to do with him. Then a year later she desperately wanted him back and he turned her down. The book said she cried for days, nonstop. I find that absolutely tragic and I wonder what in the world suddenly made her realize she wanted him all along.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

the realizarion that the grass isn't greenerEllaSuaveterre said:


> I finished reading it just a few minutes ago. Goodness, it really was a short book. I liked it well enough and may read it again. I didn't like that it wasn't in chronological order. The narrative opens on their honeymoon, then immediately switches to D-Day, then tells about the early years of their marriage, then skips D-Day and goes straight to the divorce process.
> 
> I found it really sad that while they were married and she was in the affair, and for some time during the divorce process, he desperately wanted her back, but her loyalties were elsewhere and she wanted nothing to do with him. Then a year later she desperately wanted him back and he turned her down. The book said she cried for days, nonstop. I find that absolutely tragic and I wonder what in the world suddenly made her realize she wanted him all along.


The realization that the grass isn't greener. And you can't treat someone like dirt for ever eventually thay wise up. And the hurt turns to apthay.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

I read it as well this afternoon and came away with a sense of deja vu that I had read this story somewhere before. Oh yeah, right here, at least a thousand times.

Pretty much textbook.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> ES,
> 
> You wrote, *I bought it. Thanks. As a fWW, I am always interested in hearing from the BH's perspective.*
> 
> ...


That amazes you? Most people who cheat don't seem very introspective to me. It's why they can cheat in the first place.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> The realization that the grass isn't greener. And you can't treat someone like dirt for ever eventually thay wise up. And the hurt turns to apthay.


Doesn't the treating people like dirt kind of say something about them. How do you not feel guilty about treating someone like dirt you presumably at least once loved.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Doesn't the treating people like dirt kind of say something about them. How do you not feel guilty about treating someone like dirt you presumably at least once loved.


What I'm sayin is the betrayed wises up and then all thats left is apthay for their cheating spouce.

At first they try to get them back with no results and then they turn the bend and the shoe is on the other foot


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I finished reading it just a few minutes ago. Goodness, it really was a short book. I liked it well enough and may read it again. I didn't like that it wasn't in chronological order. The narrative opens on their honeymoon, then immediately switches to D-Day, then tells about the early years of their marriage, then skips D-Day and goes straight to the divorce process.
> 
> I found it really sad that while they were married and she was in the affair, and for some time during the divorce process, he desperately wanted her back, but her loyalties were elsewhere and she wanted nothing to do with him. Then a year later she desperately wanted him back and he turned her down. The book said she cried for days, nonstop. I find that absolutely tragic and I wonder what in the world suddenly made her realize she wanted him all along.


Either she got dumped or realized that OM was a POS. Maybe both.

Not really sad either way.

More like hilarious.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Either she got dumped or realized that OM was a POS. Maybe both.
> 
> Not really sad either way.
> 
> More like hilarious.


I don't understand how people can find other people's pain amusing. I have BPD, and even _I'm_ not that vindictive.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I don't understand how people can find other people's pain amusing. I have BPD, and even _I'm_ not that vindictive.


I think you understand it far better than you let on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> What I'm sayin is the betrayed wises up and then all thats left is apthay for their cheating spouce.
> 
> At first they try to get them back with no results and then they turn the bend and the shoe is on the other foot


I guess my feeling is in that whole time they never have any shame, shame not to cheat, shame not to make it about themselves and trying to get their spouses back after they destroyed them. It's just not something I can understand.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sokillme said:


> I guess my feeling is in that whole time they never have any shame, shame not to cheat, shame not to make it about themselves and trying to get their spouses back after they destroyed them. It's just not something I can understand.


Most people are incapable of feeling shame for doing something that they feel justified in doing.

Waywards doubly so.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> I think you understand it far better than you let on.


Alright. If you want to be so direct, I do understand, yes. But I can't say I approve. Wayward Spouses are people, not props for the amusement of the Betrayed. If being cheated on has broken a person so thoroughly that they _enjoy_ the fact that someone-- _anyone_-- is suffering, they need to seek counseling. But I don't think you're really that way inside. You have said things about Wayward Spouses in general that I know you would never be cruel enough to say to me directly. Why?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Alright. If you want to be so direct, I do understand, yes. But I can't say I approve. Wayward Spouses are people, not props for the amusement of the Betrayed. If being cheated on has broken a person so thoroughly that they _enjoy_ the fact that someone-- _anyone_-- is suffering, they need to seek counseling. But I don't think you're really that way inside. You have said things about Wayward Spouses in general that I know you would never be cruel enough to say to me directly. Why?


First, turnabout is fair play.

Second, waywards open themselves up to ridicule with their behavior, and if the betrayed find themselves amused when the tables are turned, so be it. Sorry, but waywards aren't somehow deserving of the same empathy that they'd previously been unwilling to extend themselves. Where said empathy is given, it's given as a gift of grace, and not because it's "deserved". Hell, tons of people are unable or unwilling to extend it to their _own_ waywards, let alone someone else's.

Third, you'd likely be very surprised with respect to what I'd be willing to say directly to anyone. As for the tenor and tone of what _anyone_ says, learn to see truth without getting so wounded.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I don't understand how people can find other people's pain amusing. I have BPD, and even _I'm_ not that vindictive.


That is because You are the exception.....you ARE introspective.

Are so... introspective maximal, your search-engine on Steroids.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I finished reading it just a few minutes ago. Goodness, it really was a short book. I liked it well enough and may read it again. I didn't like that it wasn't in chronological order. The narrative opens on their honeymoon, then immediately switches to D-Day, then tells about the early years of their marriage, then skips D-Day and goes straight to the divorce process.
> 
> I found it really sad that while they were married and she was in the affair, and for some time during the divorce process, he desperately wanted her back, but her loyalties were elsewhere and she wanted nothing to do with him. Then a year later she desperately wanted him back and he turned her down. The book said she cried for days, nonstop. I find that absolutely tragic and I wonder what in the world suddenly made her realize she wanted him all along.



Glad you like it...the problem with the authors WW is she never really seemed to grasp what she had done or was doing. Dont forget the reason she was not interested in reconciling is because she was sleeping with another man right after they separated. She got pregnant not once but TWICE before their divorce. That five page letter and her tears came after she had the OMs child - so her motives are suspect at best IMO. Single mom with a willing XH - seems like a safe landing spot. I dont think she suddenly realized she wanted him I think she realized she needed help and security. My guess is her APs father ditched her and she was left alone. He never discussed who the OM was - I wonder if she went back to her initial AP after they separated. I think the author was right to determine she was a bad bet for R.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

3putt said:


> I read it as well this afternoon and came away with a sense of deja vu that I had read this story somewhere before. Oh yeah, right here, at least a thousand times.
> 
> Pretty much textbook.


Yeah - what was interesting is his WW and the author seemed very familiar. I think his WW's coolness towards him after they separated was due to the fact that she wanted to screw other people - as was evidenced by her second pregnancy. The Bh was a mixed bag - determined to divorce but not willing to let her go 100%. There is no reason for him to still be in touch with her even occasionally. She seems like a seriously selfish person.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Either she got dumped or realized that OM was a POS. Maybe both.
> .


Agreed my theory is the OM left her with child and her XH was still willing to talk to her. Why I have no idea - her life is not his problem anymore. Her child is the responsibility of the XW and her POS OM. The author is a screenwriter - he should have been busy turning his wife into the biggest screen villain of all time in one of his screenplays.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

sokillme said:


> I guess my feeling is in that whole time they never have any shame, shame not to cheat, shame not to make it about themselves and trying to get their spouses back after they destroyed them. It's just not something I can understand.


The authors wife felt entitled to her affair IMO. she blamed a "lack of passion" and he suffered from depression and was bed ridden. There were red flags from the beginning - she was pursuing a phd in psych and he was a struggling screenwriter and she resented that. She got her Phd and got an AP. The author did have one keen insight about not choosing R - he could not trust she wouldn't step out again should he get sick again. He stated he could not live with that uncertainty. I agree. If she cheats after only 6 years - she is a bad bet for R IMO.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

chillymorn69 said:


> The realization that the grass isn't greener. And you can't treat someone like dirt for ever eventually thay wise up. And the hurt turns to apthay.


What it took for him to reach that point was her SECOND pregnancy by another man during the last year of their marriage. If that doesn't make one apathetic I really dont know what will. Had she kept her clothes on she might have had a shot at R - I dont think she wanted R at least not right away. She wanted sex with other men and then when she got pregnant thought hey my old dependable XH is not so bad after all. The author is a committed Christian and will not sleep around like his XW - so she was having it both ways - her chaste XH meeting her for lunch and her OM or other men screwing her when she wanted to.


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