# Sleeping in Seperate Rooms



## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

i found out about my wifes year long affair and I am currently two months out from the day I discovered it. for the past 2 weeks we have been sleeping in separate rooms because she kept details and other information from me, so I made the move. so far us being in separate rooms has calmed me down and given some space with time to work on myself and I'm trying to get her to do the same but all she wants is to be near me and spend time with me more. she has given me complete transparency, been remoursful, and cut contact since D Day, however she told me yesterday that 2 days ago the other man had shown up to my house while I was work. we discussed it and I got the details I wanted but once again she hid it from me for 2 days and I feel like it has ruined any progress we made to reconcile. anyway what I want to know is, is this separation good or bad for us?


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

If it is a year long, you have a big problem. She is trying to calm you down, with trickle truth. Other people here with experience will tell you what to do to dynamite this affair, but you will probably lose your marriage in the explosion. Good luck.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> i found out about my wifes year long affair and I am currently two months out from the day I discovered it. for the past 2 weeks we have been sleeping in separate rooms because she kept details and other information from me, so I made the move. so far us being in separate rooms has calmed me down and given some space with time to work on myself and I'm trying to get her to do the same but all she wants is to be near me and spend time with me more. she has given me complete transparency, been remoursful, and cut contact since D Day, however she told me yesterday that 2 days ago the other man had shown up to my house while I was work. we discussed it and I got the details I wanted but once again she hid it from me for 2 days and I feel like it has ruined any progress we made to reconcile. anyway what I want to know is, is this separation good or bad for us?




I forgot to answer your question. Separation does not improve a marriage. It is the beginning of the glide slope to divorce. Whether that is good or bad is really your call.



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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

well I know I don't want divorce and neither does she, but I feel like I cant love her the same as I did before if that makes sense. so in my mind I thought I would spend some time apart from her and get over her affair and try dating her again the renew our vows.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> well I know I don't want divorce and neither does she, but I feel like I cant love her the same as I did before if that makes sense. so in my mind I thought I would spend some time apart from her and get over her affair and try dating her again the renew our vows.


You won't love her like you did before. Infidelity forever alters a marriage. Your only a very short time into the emotional roller-coaster that happens after discovery. The om showing up basically triggered you and set you back to day one and her withholding this info made is harder. 

Many people will say to take 6 months before you decide to try and R or D. This gives you time to gain some perspective and get your brain back in control of your emotions. Sleeping in separate rooms for now isn't the worst thing. It's given you time to deal with the latest bomb caused by the affair. She is trying to overwhelm you with affection to "win" you back into the bedroom. She needs to respect your wanting some time apart. Your the injured party, not her. 

Your never going to "get over" her affair, the best you can hope for is to eventually forgive and try to rebuild the marriage and these take time and most of this is dependent on her actions. It's takes quite a while and it never goes as quickly as we want.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> i found out about my wifes year long affair and I am currently two months out from the day I discovered it. for the past 2 weeks we have been sleeping in separate rooms because she kept details and other information from me, so I made the move. so far us being in separate rooms has calmed me down and given some space with time to work on myself and I'm trying to get her to do the same but all she wants is to be near me and spend time with me more. she has given me complete transparency, been remoursful, and cut contact since D Day, however she told me yesterday that 2 days ago the other man had shown up to my house while I was work. we discussed it and I got the details I wanted but once again she hid it from me for 2 days and I feel like it has ruined any progress we made to reconcile. anyway what I want to know is, is this separation good or bad for us?


None of this sounds good. You can't R if only one person is working on it. You are right to be concerned, why did she wait two days. She is once again hiding stuff when it comes to this man. How did you even find out, did you have to pull it out of her? How long have you been in R? How long will you accept that when it comes to you and this man he takes precedence, which is exactly what happens when he shows up and she hides it? This is painful to say but how do you know nothing happened? It's risky to believe her especially when she didn't call you right then but hid it. Again this is right back to the kind of behavior where she was cheating on you. Nothing has changed. I know this is harsh but this is what her actions have shown you, she is still in the cheaters mindset.

The other thing is if you were to leave her, then YOU would probably take precedence. But that is the thing with women like your wife, I think relationships are more about the drama then the relationship a lot of the time. That's hard man. 

Why are you staying, a year long is a pretty big betrayal? Why are you putting up with the abuse?

Personally I think you should stop thinking about us and start thinking about you. That is what she is doing. It's better to detach from your wife and let yourself heal a little bit from the trauma before you decide on R again. Remember you are making a serious choice while you are in the midst of serious grievous injury. You are also still in husband mode but she fired you. You have the choice right now to be in me mode for a little while and see if going back to husband mode with this women is worth it. It will be a good test for her. She needs to have some consequences and to grow up. 

Now this is the harshest thing I am going to say to you. I know it may seem mean and I am sorry. Maybe she just doesn't really want the marriage the way you do. Maybe she just doesn't or even have the ability love you the way you want and have a right to expect. To me this is probably the hardest thing to come to terms with. But if it is the truth it may set you free. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who really isn't all there, isn't in it together? Isn't it better to find someone who is? Maybe if she wants to be with that guy you should just let her and move on. You can't make someone love you. You can't make someone be loyal or faithful. Only she can do that, so far she isn't.

Start to see her for who she is and not who you thought or wanted her to be. This is a women who had a year long affair, and who after seeing what that did to you still lied about it again for 2 days.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> well I know I don't want divorce and neither does she, but I feel like I cant love her the same as I did before if that makes sense. so in my mind I thought I would spend some time apart from her and get over her affair and try dating her again the renew our vows.


Why did she tell you that her lover showed up at your house at all? She had two days to tell you,was she afraid someone else seen him.She was seeing this guy for a year,it wasn't a one night stand and in my opinion she is still putting him first.You say you discovered her affair which leads me to believe she got caught and didn't actually confess until she had to.You shouldn't have moved from your bedroom,you should have made her move.She is still in control and I would be amazed if her affair is really over.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

sokillme said:


> The other thing is if you were to leave her, then YOU would probably take precedence. But that is the thing with women like your wife, I think relationships are more about the drama then the relationship a lot of the time. That's hard man.


Quoted For Truth.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Do not ever move out of the home.
Maybe ask if the OM (OtherMan / AP = Affair Parther / POSOM - Piece of S~~~ Other Man) if he'd like his legs broken next time he comes onto your property? Or just file trespassing charges and a RO (restraining Order) for him to stay away from you.

If you wife wants to save the marriage... ask her to also file an RO. These are cheap. YOu can both send a text stating that any further contact from him is considered harassment and police will be called.

What else are YOU two doing... If you are both not going to MC and/or IC - then not enough.
What books have the both of you read? Anything?

I'm 19+ months past D-Day... we're doing pretty good. But it got pretty damn ugly for the first 5 months. 

TRUTH:
1 - The affair isn't over. Sorry, but it isn't - even if they aren't having sex... she is thinking about HIM... and not about YOU.
2 - She will need to do the lifting to save the marriage. Ask her "what are YOU willing to do to save it?" - she needs to put thought into it.
3 - You're looking at least years of repairs to do. I won't ever give my wife or anyone else 100% trust again.
4 - While the relationship with my wife is actually more stable and more communication today than ever - HOW I feel about our marriage is not the same as before. Never ever will be.
Your wife put a dagger in your chest. The wound has healed... you almost forget about it... but some days, that scar itches.

My wife trusts me 100%, she knows she isn't there yet. 99+% is the best she can ever hope for. Hell, I hope for that as well.

5 - you must be willing to destroy your marriage in order to save it.... if you want to.
6 - You will need to monitor for a good year or so... who knows.
7 - You should expose to family members... her parents too. together if possible. So that they know what she did and can be a support for her to NOT CHEAT.
8 - keep all evidence of the affair. For legal reasons and for future use if needed "Daddy, why did you divorce mommy?" 
9 - Buy a VAR.... don't ever let her know you have it.... you don't know your future yet.
10 - Don't trust your wife. If you draw a line in the sand, and you allow her to step over it - then she will do it again and again.
11 - Only about 30% of cheating wives will stay in the marriage. She seems to want to stay (but still cheat) - so you both have work to do.
12 - GO to the gym daily... work out.
13 - Control your emotions. Do NOT get angry (at least out-of-control anger), don't cry, don't beg. Look up doing "180".

Sorry, you are in this club.

Questions:
Is it a co-worker? IF so - either he or she will need to leave the company.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

What, specifically, had she done to show remorse? Can you give us a list? 

You say you don't want to divorce. That is your choice. Could you tell us the reasons you don't want a divorce? 

The OM coming to the home is bad, very bad. What did your wife say happened. Anything short of slamming the door in his face should be unacceptable. 

Did she write the OM a no contact letter under your supervision? Did you expose to her family and yours?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife had a year long affair with another man - think about it. She fvcked him regularly, loved him, exchanged intimacies etc - in short she was more married to him than you for more than 12 months! How on Earth could you possibly "know you don't want a divorce" ?

She is still in love with him - the affair was discovered by you, she didn't confess!

She told you about him coming round after 2 days because she realised that he (not her, she has been careful) did a stupid thing and could have been seen by anybody.

Separation is going to ensure a divorce (which may not be a bad thing).

You will NEVER get over the cheating and lying. You might forgive.

Her actions rather than words are more important. She should be throwing him under a bus at this moment.

How did you find out ?

And if I understand it correctly, she hasn't given you all the gory details yet ? Still withholding some info ?


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> well I know I don't want divorce and neither does she, but I feel like I cant love her the same as I did before if that makes sense. so in my mind I thought I would spend some time apart from her and get over her affair and try dating her again the renew our vows.




Given her lying ...she may want the marriage for the security that it represents but she sure as hell doesn't want a marriage built on trust and mutual respect.

What did her boyfriend do when he came over?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Your thoughts are valid in regards to reconnecting with her but it must be a new her if there is to be any success. The old marriage is now deceased, she killed it and the original feelings you had for her. If there is any hope for a successful R then the old her must also "die". She must become a person vastly different from the old her and that is exceedingly difficult to impossible. Your trust and "love" for the old her will forever be tarnished, if not destroyed altogether, so the only hope moving forward is for her to transform into someone she was not.

You must understand how monumentally difficult this is. The baseline personality traits that make us each the individual we are she must fundamentally change. This means she must somehow develop the ability to actually recognize and understand why change is necessary, which she could not do for a full year and for many years prior. And then she must have the motivation to actually do it. It requires a shift in the cognitive process at the base level. It is in reality becoming a different person. Can you see how challenging that could be? And she must do all of the work for if you "accommodate" her then her "change" will not be fully from her efforts but rather partially from yours. This makes true R impossible.

As to the separation, I am of the opinion that physical separation does little else than to give the WS the opportunity to continue contact with the AP since the BS is now removed from the day to day interaction. Their guilt, if any, is lessened and they are emboldened to pursue "other interests" since they perceive their marital obligations to be on "hold" rather than see this as a time to work and focus on fundamental issues within them. In house separation, as you indicated was your case, is the least damaging, in my opinion and could actually be helpful since the day to day interaction remains and the WS is forced to face the situation. Also, it shows that the BS is not willing to leave their home and it conveys to the BS how damaged the relationship is when there are separate sleeping arrangements.

However, no efforts or actions will have any positive consequence until the WS is able to be fully cognizant of what they have done and, sadly, that is almost never the case. It does happen but it is quite rare due to the reasons outlined above. So, there is a high degree of probability that your M is over and I would caution you to be very leery and suspect of her "strong desire" to be with you. She may very well be trying to placate you in an effort to save herself from the misery and shame of D. That is a most selfish reason to R on her part but it is usually the reason for the WS to want to R. Seldom do they see their actions as being as severe as the BS makes them out to be. Their failure to comprehend this is the problem and the reason change is so rare.


One last thought. You mentioned that you nor she wants to D. Her TRUE reason for not wanting to D is quite important and will mean the difference between a possible successful R and an insincere attempt to save herself. It would therefore be prudent on your part to try, with considerable diligence, to ascertain her true intent and reason for wanting to R for it will save you heartache and pain in the long run. Some have indicated waiting 6 months to decide what you want to do and I agree. Use that time to watch closely her actions and determine her real intent. If she appears to be "moving heaven and earth" in her efforts then so be it but if she continues to lie, shift blame onto you for her actions and show more concern for her feelings and angst than she does yours then you may as well not continue thinking about R for it is not possible. I regret that you find yourself in this most difficult situation and wish you good fortune as you decide how to proceed.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> well I know I don't want divorce and neither does she, but I feel like I cant love her the same as I did before if that makes sense. so in my mind I thought I would spend some time apart from her and get over her affair and try dating her again the renew our vows.



Then what is the purpose of the separation because regardless of what you say or where you sleep she is not leaving and neither are you...she lost your trust, she has no incentive to tell you the whole truth because there are no consequences for her...if you are going to stay together then....you need to expose her the family, you need to expose the OM, you need her to lay out a time line of the affair, you her to tell you what she is going to do to win you back....short of that live with it, your not going anywhere.


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

gonna try to answer all the questions in one post:

why did she wait 2 days?
she says she was trying to find a way to tell me because she thought I would assume they had sex (which I do assume) but our oldest daughter was in the living room sleeping and our youngest was in my bed sleeping (apart of me wishes she would have the respect not to do anything with our kids in the house)

how did I find out about the affair?
initially he text her phone on FB and I grabbed it then asked her who it was, she said it was someone she was talking to online, the next day I got suspicious and threatened to ask him myself if they had sex and she told me to shut the door (I had my family over) and she said, in tears, your right. she said she initially had sex with him once because I wasn't giving her sexual attention, but I got her pregnant after and they both thought my child was his, so to keep him from telling me about she had sex with him.

how did I find out about him showing up?
we were talking and I told her I felt like leaving with the kids sometimes, then she told me to sit down she had something to tell and that is how.

how long have we been in R?
2 months and few days now

How long will you accept that when it comes to you and this man he takes precedence, which is exactly what happens when he shows up and she hides it? 
I don't think he takes precedence, I believe she is afraid of me and him meeting because she said he threatened her about "doing something stupid" a few times and I told her id kill her and the other man if she cheated on me (I obviously didn't hold to that threat) but she knows I want to hurt him but she dosent want me to go to jail or possibly end up dead.

This is painful to say but how do you know nothing happened?
I told her one of the neighbors (who we never speak to) told me another man entered my house while I was gone and she got up to go confront them about it, and when I saw she was going to do it I stopped her (they didn't tell me anything but using this method is how I found out alot of the affair details) I also hope she wouldn't do anything with our kids in the house and how easily they wake up and interrupt us during sex.

Why are you staying, a year long is a pretty big betrayal? Could you tell us the reasons you don't want a divorce?
a part of me still loves her, and I don't want my kids having two sets of parents( I really couldn't live with another man raising my kids) she is also pregnant again (found out after she told me about the affair and it is mine)

Why are you putting up with the abuse?
I honestly don't know, but I'm not letting her walk all over me or do what she wants

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who really isn't all there, isn't in it together?
not really but this is my first time being cheated on in my life and I want to at least try to make this work

Isn't it better to find someone who is?
I honestly don't feel like I want to find somebody else after this

What else are YOU two doing... If you are both not going to MC and/or IC - then not enough.
What books have the both of you read? Anything?
we cant afford MC but I bought the book "after the affair" and ive read it but she has yet to finish it(claiming she has a short attention span) and we have joined support groups and been reading articles.

What, specifically, had she done to show remorse? Can you give us a list? 
I feel like some stuff she should have benn doing as wife or out of love but she has cut contact with his family and friends and him(aside from the recent incident), given me access to her phone, deleted all social media, only comes home and goes to work, keeps her location on, calls me on all her breaks at work, sex has increased and shes doing different things in that area, she spends her time around me when shes not cleaning or working, setting up date nights.

The OM coming to the home is bad, very bad. What did your wife say happened. Anything short of slamming the door in his face should be unacceptable. 
she said he wanted to see if the dna test we took for my child was real(I don't think he cared about the child just wanted sex) then she said he starting begging and trying to get her to fvck him one more time, she said she told him no, that she promised me she would stop and she was trying to work the marriage out, then she said he left on foot. she said she opend the door cuz she heard a knock and that she was still half sleep but she said she wanted to tell him to his face they were done

Did she write the OM a no contact letter under your supervision? Did you expose to her family and yours? 
no letter I wanted them to stop contact immediately but we drove to his moms house where he lives but he wasn't there, the mom relayed the message.

And if I understand it correctly, she hasn't given you all the gory details yet ? Still withholding some info ? 
she has told me everything I asked: times, places, acts involved or positions, durations, conversations, and such. to me it sounded more like he was blackmailing her to keep having sex after their first time because they thought the child was his.

Then what is the purpose of the separation because regardless of what you say or where you sleep she is not leaving and neither are you...she lost your trust, she has no incentive to tell you the whole truth because there are no consequences for her...if you are going to stay together then....you need to expose her the family, you need to expose the OM, you need her to lay out a time line of the affair, you her to tell you what she is going to do to win you back....short of that live with it, your not going anywhere. 
the seperate rooms are so I can have space to myself right now and not rage out like I did in the beginning. she knows the consequence as they are listed in the post nup she agreed to sign, including giving me full custody of the kids.
I have made a timeline of her affair, had her record a confession video in case I need it and she has went to the police for a RO but they need 2 or 3 things of proof before they can do anything further but he and his mother know we are trying to get one.
her mother already knew and didn't say anything to me but then again she is a cheater too and my wife saw much of her mom cheating on her dad growing up, but my family knows, her sister knows and has been helping me through it, certain friends know and some of her co workers as well as mine. his family already knew they were messing around but I wasn't social with them.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

First off you are really in a hard spot. I feel really sorry for you. That being said it sounds like the only reason she confessed is because she knew you would find out, both times. That's not a good sign. If I were you I would go into detective mode. It doesn't sound like this is over, maybe just gone underground more unfortunately. You need to find out. VAR in her car might be a good thing. Personally if it was me I would just move on as this is SO much work and I would be thinking this women doesn't really want to be with me. I know you are worried about your kids but your kids will be OK. I will say more about that later. 

The other issue is you can't carry your Wayward Spouse to the finish line when it comes to this stuff. They have to want to do it, and also be able to do it. This may be your dynamic in the relationship, but it just can't be here. I get it you are still in husband mode, but she fired you. There needs to be some of the consequences, this will be the beginning of that. Detach my friend and see if she follow you or him. You need to tell you are done whether you move on together of not is up to her. She needs to read the book and maybe others that she finds on her own go prove it. She probably should be in IC and I would not Marriage counseling until she is fully in the marriage. She is not now. The point being a R where the one betrayed does all the work is doomed to fail. She did this to you and her family she need to fix it. 

If I were you I would go online and print up divorce papers and tell her this is what you are headed to and maybe it's time to talk about it. I would also go see a lawyer and get a sense at what you are facing. It will make it less scary for you and make it real for her. The truth is you should think long and hard about it, and if this continues it's going to blow up no matter what you want. Right now your wife has one foot in the marriage and one with her boyfriend.

I know you are worried about your kids but more then two married parents kids need stability. The will not have that if your wife continues to abuse you and you let it happen. You are showing them by example. If this continues then you leaving and being the one stable parent is a good thing. It happens all the time and has been happening for year and years. It's quite common in the western world, almost all of those kids grow up to be productive members of society. This is not 1950. 

Frankly I would give her to that guy, let him have her. I would tell her. Have your boyfriend come and take you. I am saying that because you know and I know that this guy or any other isn't going to be willing to take a pregnant women with 3 kids in toe. Man I hope you had your kids DNA tested and you are not just trusting her word. 

Your wife is awful and what she did to you is discussing. You don't have to accept a life like this if you don't want. No one, even your kids when they get old enough are going to blame you.

Does the other man have a wife, if so you must expose. That is one of the best ways to get the affair to stop, plus it is the right thing to do. You should also consider telling some people, keeping her secrets is not your responsibility and it gives her some consequences and some shame. 

Your wife is not a child, she did an adult evil thing to you and her kids. It's time to stop treating her like one.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> well I know I don't want divorce and neither does she, but I feel like I cant love her the same as I did before if that makes sense. so in my mind I thought I would spend some time apart from her and get over her affair and try dating her again the renew our vows.


HoH, sorry you are going through this.

You should not let her know you do not want a divorce as this will make her comfortable and unwilling to do the hard work necessary to reconcile. You have to go scorched earth on her although it seems counter intuitve.
I assume at DDay you took all the necessary steps with regard to:

1. no contact
2. no contact letter to OM
3. Exposure to OM's wife/GF?
4. Request for full disclosure from her (this seems not to have happened)
5. Individual IC for you both?
6. MC for you both?
7. Exposure to family and friends?
8 doing the 180, to emotionally detach from her, moving to the other bedroom is appropriate.

She seems not to realise/(or cares more about her own comfort) the severity of her affair and trickle truthing. You have to pull out the divorce card, go see a lawyer. She has betrayed your trust by allowing OM anywhere near your house. I suspect the A is still on, you have been lied to. Is OM married?

Quitting a one year affair fog requires nuclear actions on your behalf. What exactly have you done to kill the affair once and for all?

Who is OM, how did she meet him and did you have any red flags before?

She got the gift of reconciliation and has blown it, she cares more for OM and herself and is not acting like a remorseful spouse, take action now as above.
Moving into another room is very mild, kicking her out of the house is the kind of action I am talking about, she needs to have full consequences, a bit like a teenager caught drinking and with drugs.


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

thank you all for the advice, you've given me some things to think about


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> thank you all for the advice, you've given me some things to think about


You've done plenty of thinking. 

You've been given plans of action.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

QUOTE=Husband-Of-Honor;18189481]gonna try to answer all the questions in one post:

why did she wait 2 days?
she says she was trying to find a way to tell me because she thought I would assume they had sex (which I do assume) but our oldest daughter was in the living room sleeping and our youngest was in my bed sleeping (apart of me wishes she would have the respect not to do anything with our kids in the house)[/QUOTE]
You would be surprised... its "HOT SEX" to be naughty and do it in the house with kids. You have a garage, a laundry room - sure, they can do a quickie.
You should buy wifi cam / and VARs.... don't tell her about it of course.




> how did I find out about the affair?
> ~~~ but I got her pregnant after and they both thought my child was his, so to keep him from telling me about she had sex with him.


You actually don't know for sure... sorry. Many kids are affair children. Tell your wife YOU WILL GET A DNA TEST for the baby.



> how long have we been in R?
> 2 months and few days now


I would say you both are in shock and damage control. R hasn't really started, even with what I have read below. YOU will have some FALSE R's before there is a real R, if ever.

Don't make threats to KILL anyone... again. Period.



> What else are YOU two doing... If you are both not going to MC and/or IC - then not enough.
> What books have the both of you read? Anything?
> we cant afford MC but I bought the book "after the affair" and ive read it but she has yet to finish it(claiming she has a short attention span) and we have joined support groups and been reading articles.


 Find a way to pay for MC. Here is the thing, there are grants and low-cost therapy places if you look. When things were starting to go bad, I was finding places charging $120~250 per session... out of our budget. After things hit the fan, our insurance & grants covered 6 months worth of sessions. We pay (she actually) $60 out of pocket per session with the same therapist.

LOOK... RESEARCH... Call support systems. Her "short attention" span is a crappy excuse. If she wants to repair the relationship (the marriage is already destroyed) - she has to make THE EFFORT.

Here is an amazon link... get "Not just Freinds" and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" You read Not just Friends FIRST, while she reads the other one... which is a very quick read and will help jump-start her brain. Not just Friends is 400 pages. My wife has read both of those books and she has her own copy. I would mark parts of the book that is important for YOU - that she will notice.

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Fri...d=1500756795&sr=1-1&keywords=not+just+friends



> What, specifically, had she done to show remorse? Can you give us a list?
> I feel like some stuff she should have benn doing as wife or out of love but she has cut contact with his family and friends and him(aside from the recent incident), given me access to her phone, deleted all social media, only comes home and goes to work, keeps her location on, calls me on all her breaks at work, sex has increased and shes doing different things in that area, she spends her time around me when shes not cleaning or working, setting up date nights.


That is for now... I would say... it means little. Enjoy it... but its not proof. I know from experince from 2016.

Its a process.

PS: Even thou the police says they can't do an RO (that is the justice dept. Not the police) - nothing keeps you from SAYING about filing the RO to keep him at bay while your wife's brain gets sorted out. Since she is pregnant - her hormones are going to be all over the place. And yeah, at this time - she doesn't want to be in the middle of a divorce.


Good luck!


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Come here for advice... you'll get lots of good that will help guide you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

HoH, if what you say is true then you are dealing with a massive problem - one that both you and your wife need to work together to put this man in jail. If he was using extortion, blackmail etc to force her to have sex, then this is a criminal offence a short step down from rape! Think about it.

You really need to determine if this is true whether by poly or otherwise.

She is resting her whole case on this one (slightly implausible) fact and what kicked this off was her getting pregnant. What if she did not get pregnant ? Would she have ended it ? Would he still not have threatened her to tell you in order to continue having sex with her ? Is she saying that she didn't enjoy/love the illicit sex ? She got pregnant and she immediately thought it was his (even though you were having sex with her) - why ? Was she barebacking with him all the time while sleeping with you at the same time (putting your life at risk) ? The least she could do even if he were threatening her would be to protect you by using condoms. This whole thing stinks and you are having the wool pulled over your eyes.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> i found out about my wifes year long affair and I am currently two months out from the day I discovered it. for the past 2 weeks we have been sleeping in separate rooms because she kept details and other information from me, so I made the move. so far us being in separate rooms has calmed me down and given some space with time to work on myself and I'm trying to get her to do the same but all she wants is to be near me and spend time with me more. she has given me complete transparency, been remoursful, and cut contact since D Day, however she told me yesterday that 2 days ago the other man had shown up to my house while I was work. we discussed it and I got the details I wanted but once again she hid it from me for 2 days and I feel like it has ruined any progress we made to reconcile. anyway what I want to know is, is this separation good or bad for us?


*This is not good! And the OM coming around your house to sniff after your cheating W without you being there looms even worse!

It's all too apparent that with her outed infidelity, she's no longer getting any action from you, so what better way to accentuate that sexual appetite of hers than to have that "Stage Door Johnny" of hers come by the house and make a deposit in your noted absence!

You are still very much her Plan B and she needs to be treated as such! Leave her skanky a$$ high and dry and start showing some due respect for yourself!*


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> I got suspicious and threatened to ask him myself if they had sex and she told me to shut the door (I had my family over) and she said, in tears, your right. she said she initially had sex with him once because I wasn't giving her sexual attention, *but I got her pregnant after and they both thought my child was his, so to keep him from telling me about she had sex with him.
> .*


So you're saying she had a YEAR of sex with him because she was being blackmailed? How long into their affair did she get pregnant?

I find this to be blame shifting at its finest.

Oh, and if you actually talked with the OM, I bet he'd have a totally different story to tell.


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## AussieRN (Mar 28, 2013)

Not getting any from a spouse is NOT a good reason for an affair. It IS good enough reason to talk to your spouse about your needs.

Blame shifting to the OM is a tactic to try and excuse and justify her affair. DNA the kids if it matters. Think long and hard about you might feel if the child turns out to be not yours. Love is not determined by genetics.

The OM comes over while your at work and it takes her 2 days to tell you?

After a year it will be VERY hard for her to let it go.

Get a VAR or 3. Car, lounge and bedroom.

Sorry you're here.


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> HoH, if what you say is true then you are dealing with a massive problem - one that both you and your wife need to work together to put this man in jail. If he was using extortion, blackmail etc to force her to have sex, then this is a criminal offence a short step down from rape! Think about it.
> 
> You really need to determine if this is true whether by poly or otherwise.
> 
> She is resting her whole case on this one (slightly implausible) fact and what kicked this off was her getting pregnant. What if she did not get pregnant ? Would she have ended it ? Would he still not have threatened her to tell you in order to continue having sex with her ? Is she saying that she didn't enjoy/love the illicit sex ? She got pregnant and she immediately thought it was his (even though you were having sex with her) - why ? Was she barebacking with him all the time while sleeping with you at the same time (putting your life at risk) ? The least she could do even if he were threatening her would be to protect you by using condoms. This whole thing stinks and you are having the wool pulled over your eyes.


from what I understand she started the affair because I wouldn't have sex for a while and when we did have sex I got her pregnant but they had already had sex and she says they always used a condom because she didn't want to get pregnant by him plus she had he period after they had sex. I'm not really sure if I got her pregnant before or after they had sex but we didn't use condoms, but I know when and where I let my full "essence" in her instead of pulling out.

she said she didn't enjoy it the first time she started and every other time she really didn't want to but she was scared of what would happen if he told me about them.

she was positive for chlymidia and I got checked out once I learned she had it and I'm clean now if that matters. as for your question about her ending it if she wasn't pregnant, I intend to her ask her now, that thought hadn't crossed my mind. I think they both are mentally retarded as they both knew they always used a condom and thought the child was his.

I really and truly believe my wife is slow now, her whole affair, the reasons and whys, are just stupid. wish I could get her tested.


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

AussieRN said:


> Not getting any from a spouse is NOT a good reason for an affair. It IS good enough reason to talk to your spouse about your needs.
> 
> Blame shifting to the OM is a tactic to try and excuse and justify her affair. DNA the kids if it matters. Think long and hard about you might feel if the child turns out to be not yours. Love is not determined by genetics.
> 
> ...



I keep seeing ppl telling me to get a VAR, is that an Audio and Video Recorder? when I google it it comes up something else.


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

and also I need a womans input right here, she says she didn't have an orgasm whenever they had sex because she wasn't trying to, is that possible? I asked her if she would **** him then come home and shower then have sex with me and she said yes because she wasn't satisfied from him.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think it would be awfully hard to rationalize keeping the marriage together. That's a lot of betrayal. What guarantees do you get from her that she won't do it again? She's obviously good at hiding things from you, until she gets caught. I think you should keep sleeping in separate rooms, do the 180 right away and file. Her actions must have consequences. Waiting to tell you the OM was at your house for two days was the final trust breaker.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> and also I need a womans input right here, she says she didn't have an orgasm whenever they had sex because she wasn't trying to, is that possible? I asked her if she would **** him then come home and shower then have sex with me and she said yes because she wasn't satisfied from him.


anything she says at this point can be construed as a lie or minimizing the truth. The fact she did you the same day as him ==> YUCK. Not sure I could touch her again, if I were you.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> she is also pregnant again (found out after she told me about the affair and it is mine)


I'm sorry you're going through this. How do you know that she is pregnant with your child?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> and also I need a womans input right here, she says she didn't have an orgasm whenever they had sex because she wasn't trying to, is that possible? I asked her if she would **** him then come home and shower then have sex with me and she said yes because she wasn't satisfied from him.


uhh, is there any other reason for a divorce necessary?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> she said she didn't enjoy it the first time she started and every other time she really didn't want to but she was scared of what would happen if he told me about them.


Most of us understand what you're going through, including the sordid details in your mind. Can you imagine how many times wives caught cheating have told their husbands that the sex with their affair partner wasn't good? It's called minimizing, but I don't completely blame her for not being honest about this. I think it is worse that she claims that she only kept having sex with him because she had to and that they always used condoms.


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

naiveonedave said:


> anything she says at this point can be construed as a lie or minimizing the truth. The fact she did you the same day as him ==> YUCK. Not sure I could touch her again, if I were you.


I couldn't for a while but I got past, I thought "what the hell ive been doing it this whole time, stopping now isn't gonna change anything"



Steve1000 said:


> I'm sorry you're going through this. How do you know that she is pregnant with your child?


I found an id in my car that belongs to him and I pulled a gun on her in april and questioned her about she lied about it but it shook her up pretty bad. she says the last time she had sex with him was the beginning of april. she is 10 weeks pregnant today but I still plan to have the child tested.



jb02157 said:


> uhh, is there any other reason for a divorce necessary?


I want to at least wait six months to get out of the shock phase of this situation before I make any big moves. but so far its looking like that. plus there is a chance the child she is carrying is mine so id hate to lose it by miscarriage, ive already lost one child don't want to lose anymore.



Steve1000 said:


> Most of us understand what you're going through, including the sordid details in your mind. Can you imagine how many times wives caught cheating have told their husbands that the sex with their affair partner wasn't good? It's called minimizing, but I don't completely blame her for not being honest about this. I think it is worse that she claims that she only kept having sex with him because she had to and that they always used condoms.


yeah I figured as much, I guess I just wanted someone to give me false hope


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> from what I understand she started the affair because I wouldn't have sex for a while and when we did have sex I got her pregnant but they had already had sex and she says they always used a condom because she didn't want to get pregnant by him plus she had he period after they had sex. I'm not really sure if I got her pregnant before or after they had sex but we didn't use condoms, but I know when and where I let my full "essence" in her instead of pulling out.
> 
> she said she didn't enjoy it the first time she started and every other time she really didn't want to but she was scared of what would happen if he told me about them.
> 
> ...


It is my contention that cheaters are cognitively challenged. I have stated numerous times that they are children in biological mature bodies. Their thought processes are incomplete and therefore their "choices" are flawed. Also, lesser developed intellects can lie with ease since the conscience is part of the intellect. I would be highly suspect of them using a condom every time.

One thing to consider as you contemplate R is that her mentality may be such that fully reasoned and rational thought will never be possible. If that is so then she will have to "learn" every lesson the hard way as opposed to thinking out and projecting possible consequences. She may have to endure the consequences in order to see how displeasurable they are and then link that displeasure with whatever action caused those consequences. It is a consuming process for an individual so challenged as they almost never make the right "choice" and likewise for you as you face the frustration of her always doing the wrong thing. If you do choose to R it will not be an easy path.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

[/Quite] I found an id in my car that belongs to him and I pulled a gun on her in april and questioned her about she lied about it but it shook her up pretty bad. she says the last time she had sex with him was the beginning of april. [/QUOTE]



You pulled a gun on her??

That is sick and twisted.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> from what I understand she started the affair because I wouldn't have sex for a while and when we did have sex I got her pregnant but they had already had sex and she says they always used a condom because she didn't want to get pregnant by him plus she had he period after they had sex. I'm not really sure if I got her pregnant before or after they had sex but we didn't use condoms, but I know when and where I let my full "essence" in her instead of pulling out.
> 
> she said she didn't enjoy it the first time she started and every other time she really didn't want to but she was scared of what would happen if he told me about them.
> 
> ...


Affair partners using safe sex practices happens about as often as people see haleys comet. Tests are available that you can check the dna before a child is born. Given your situation I'd highly advise you get one done. As long as your married your legally responsible for the costs and are the default father on the birth certificate. If the om is indeed the father have him held legally accountable for the costs and child support etc. 

She's in damage control mode right now, telling you what she thinks you want to hear much more than the truth. If you tell her you want the unborn baby dna checked I bet she puts up a stink. She wants you to be the father, not the om.


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

Well I just asked her to get the paternity test done and she said she would so that's my next move


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> from what I understand she started the affair because I wouldn't have sex for a while and when we did have sex I got her pregnant but they had already had sex and she says they always used a condom because she didn't want to get pregnant by him plus she had he period after they had sex. I'm not really sure if I got her pregnant before or after they had sex but we didn't use condoms, but I know when and where I let my full "essence" in her instead of pulling out.
> 
> she said she didn't enjoy it the first time she started and every other time she really didn't want to but she was scared of what would happen if he told me about them.
> 
> ...



So … she started the affair! 

Because you didn't have sex with her!!!

Them using condoms as you know by now is complete bull$h!t - huge lie - she contracted chlamydia from him (or someone else - I still do not believe you have the whole truth by the way) - and THAT is the real reason they thought the baby was his - because she was barebacking him - neither of them are slow!!!!!!

And she would not have stopped if you hadn't caught her - this went on for a year!!!!!!!!!!!

As for her "not enjoying it" is also complete rubbish and she is minimalising the effect of what she did on you. Of course she enjoyed it - she went back for more and more for a whole year. She may have been showering before fvcking you on the same day as him because you might have been suspicious. It still is very very icky as someone else pointed out and extremely disrespectful to you.


The problem is now clearly with you - you really need to wake up and see her for who she really is! This nonsense about knowing you don't want a divorce really has to be got rid of from your head. You should want her to be as far away from you as possible. She is an awful person.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You seriously pulled a gun on her?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> I found an id in my car that belongs to him and I pulled a gun on her in april and questioned her about she lied about it but it shook her up pretty bad.
> 
> yeah I figured as much, I guess I just wanted someone to give me false hope


I can imagine the kind of relentless stress you're going through and for awhile, we're desperate to cling to false hope. Our critical thinking skills temporarily fail us. Regarding the gun, that's another issue that's also serious. Threatening her life only further destroys any chance of a an acceptable marriage.


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

yes I pulled a gun on her, I was angry and knowing what I know now I don't regret it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> yes I pulled a gun on her, I was angry and knowing what I know now I don't regret it.




You need to change your username. 


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> yes I pulled a gun on her, I was angry and knowing what I know now I don't regret it.


You need to sleep in separate cities, not separate bedrooms. She's toxic and you're extremely dangerous. You better check yourself fast and hard if you have plans that don't involve prison.


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You need to change your username.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


that's your opinion and you don't need to comment just move along


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> that's your opinion and you don't need to comment just move along




The moment you pull a gun you lose the right for me to keep my mouth shut. You went way over the line. 


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

GTdad said:


> You need to sleep in separate cities, not separate bedrooms. She's toxic and you're extremely dangerous. You better check yourself fast and hard if you have plans that don't involve prison.


I am "checked" and I have no plans involving prison, many ppl have done worse things out of anger in this situation like going on killing sprees or actually killing their spouse and family. the way I see it, yes I pulled a gun but I kept my cool


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The moment you pull a gun you lose the right for me to keep my mouth shut. You went way over the line.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


once again your opinion, I know and seen ppl do way worse and my username means I'm honorable by keeping my vows to god intact and not breaking them. just cause my name is husband of honor dosent mean I'm perfect


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Men of honor draw their weapons with purpose. Men of honor draw from fear. There is nothing honorable about drawing out of anger. 

I get that people make mistakes. But you're doubling down and trying to justify it. Your reference to God rings hollow. 


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> I am "checked" and I have no plans involving prison, many ppl have done worse things out of anger in this situation like going on killing sprees or actually killing their spouse and family. the way I see it, yes I pulled a gun but I kept my cool


Actually, drawing a weapon like that should have landed you in jail right then and there.

Either you intended to use it or not. If you did, then clearly you shouldn't be a free man.
If not, than it is nothing but an impotent gesture by an impotent man who can't deal with his situation without the aid of a mortal threat.

Neither of these is good.

And this is coming from someone who is sympathetic to your original situation. But whoa, cowboy, you crossed a very bad line there.


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Men of honor draw their weapons with purpose. Men of honor draw from fear. There is nothing honorable about drawing out of anger.
> 
> I get that people make mistakes. But you're doubling down and trying to justify it. Your reference to God rings hollow.
> 
> ...


all those men of honor statements you just listed is YOUR OPINION. your wasting your fingers typing about it and I am going to justify it because it MY OPINION. you listed drawing a weapon with purpose, my purpose was to get the truth out of her, there you go. I honor my commitments, that's where my honor comes from making what seems like a mistake to another person does not take away my honor, only god can do that


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Actually, drawing a weapon like that should have landed you in jail right then and there.
> 
> Either you intended to use it or not. If you did, then clearly you shouldn't be a free man.
> If not, than it is nothing but an impotent gesture by an impotent man who can't deal with his situation without the aid of a mortal threat.
> ...


I know the consequences of pulling a weapon but at the time I was angry at what I thought was going on was right about. and that impotent line u just said is your opinion now I'm done talking about the gun thing, I'm getting back on topic


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

i don't see her changing anytime soon so I'm just going to start dividing our assets and move out for a while hopefully that will wake her up, if it dosent then I'm just going to divorce, the post nup she signed gives me full custody of the kids so ill be happy I have my girls still


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> I know the consequences of pulling a weapon but at the time I was angry at what I thought was going on was right about. and that impotent line u just said is your opinion now I'm done talking about the gun thing, I'm getting back on topic


"but I was angry" is no excuse--it justifies nothing.

As I said, I was very sympathetic to your original situation. I also have no forgiveness or sympathy for cheaters. That said, the "gun thing" may well be on topic. If you're the kind of guy to threaten deadly violence, it may shed some light on why she sought comfort in the arms of another man. We obviously don't know. I'm sure you think you did nothing to drive her away, but based on your refusal to accept responsibility for your own actions, I doubt you would recognize it if you did.

Divorce. Get counseling. Take a long, hard look in the mirror and stop minimizing your actions. 

And don't think the post nup will automatically give you custody at this point. The gun incident you are so quick to rig sweep could bite you in the @$$ here. A court won't be so quick to overlook that as you are, post nup or not.


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> "but I was angry" is no excuse--it justifies nothing.
> 
> As I said, I was very sympathetic to your original situation. I also have no forgiveness or sympathy for cheaters. That said, the "gun thing" may well be on topic. If you're the kind of guy to threaten deadly violence, it may shed some light on why she sought comfort in the arms of another man. We obviously don't know. I'm sure you think you did nothing to drive her away, but based on your refusal to accept responsibility for your own actions, I doubt you would recognize it if you did.
> 
> ...


you know what ok I shouldn't have pulled the gun, first time in my life I have by the way, I was traumatized and not thinking clearly maybe I should be in jail for it. I have not however threatened her life like that before. I can easily accept when I'm wrong or right, ive even beaten myself up telling her I should've been better to her and listened to her more. but the gun incident came after she had spent 3 years keeping the secret that my child could be another mans while she spent 1 of those years having sex with him. but I was wrong for pulling a weapon I accept that.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> I know the consequences of pulling a weapon but at the time I was angry at what I thought was going on was right about. and that impotent line u just said is your opinion now I'm done talking about the gun thing, I'm getting back on topic


People catch hell around here for refusing to acknowledge the magnitude of their screw-ups. Usually, that's exhibited by cheaters who fail or refuse to acknowledge the magnitude of their betrayal. You're doing essentially the same thing. "Oh, that pulling a gun on my wife thing? That's pretty incidental to the story and not what I'm here to talk about". And the reaction of most posters is going to be the same: tough ****. This is a huge event and we aren't likely to let it go simply because you think we should.

The fact that you're apparently comfortable with pulling a gun on the woman you married indicates to me that you have at least as many problems as anyone else in this story, and you would be wise to dig deep and figure out how you can be so blasé about it.


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

GTdad said:


> People catch hell around here for refusing to acknowledge the magnitude of their screw-ups. Usually, that's exhibited by cheaters who fail or refuse to acknowledge the magnitude of their betrayal. You're doing essentially the same thing. "Oh, that pulling a gun on my wife thing? That's pretty incidental to the story and not what I'm here to talk about". And the reaction of most posters is going to be the same: tough ****. This is a huge event and we aren't likely to let it go simply because you think we should.
> 
> The fact that you're apparently comfortable with pulling a gun on the woman you married indicates to me that you have at least as many problems as anyone else in this story, and you would be wise to dig deep and figure out how you can be so blasé about it.


there are many details I have left out that are essential to the story but ive left them out. me pulling the gun on her is the only wrong thing I have done, but your right I do need to work on myself as I have told my wife after she confessed everything. what all you guys are saying I have ran through my mind many times, I just came here asking was separate rooms a good idea fro trying repair my marriage but I guess I don't belong in these forums


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> you know what ok I shouldn't have pulled the gun, first time in my life I have by the way, I was traumatized and not thinking clearly maybe I should be in jail for it. I have not however threatened her life like that before. I can easily accept when I'm wrong or right, ive even beaten myself up telling her I should've been better to her and listened to her more. but the gun incident came after she had spent 3 years keeping the secret that my child could be another mans while she spent 1 of those years having sex with him. but I was wrong for pulling a weapon I accept that.


I don't want to beat a dead horse here. It's good that you acknowledge this was an improper course of action. 

... but you're still minimizing



Husband-Of-Honor said:


> I have not however threatened her life like that before.


This is not some accomplishment to be proud of. It is not mitigation for what you did. You make it sound like this was some great show of restraint to not have threatened her life before when it is actually part of the very minimum level of acceptable behavior in any relationship, let alone an intimate one. 

There are many men of honor on these boards who have been betrayed, and they all understand your pain and anger. They are all pulling for you to emerge from this trial wiser and stronger than you went in. But you can't truly move forward unless you face all that has happened, including the magnitude of your own actions... which means no more minimizing and no excuses. This is not meant as a put down--it's honestly offered in the hopes that it will best help you along a more mentally and emotionally prosperous path.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> I just came here asking was separate rooms a good idea fro trying repair my marriage but I guess I don't belong in these forums


My intent isn't to drive you off. I don't think there's many if any folks here who do, and you belong here just as much as the rest of us screwed-up people.

But I think you'd benefit hugely by letting the conversation extend beyond the narrow confines of whether separate bedrooms are a good plan.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> you know what ok I shouldn't have pulled the gun, first time in my life I have by the way, I was traumatized and not thinking clearly maybe I should be in jail for it. I have not however threatened her life like that before. I can easily accept when I'm wrong or right, ive even beaten myself up telling her I should've been better to her and listened to her more. but the gun incident came after *she had spent 3 years keeping the secret that my child could be another mans while she spent 1 of those years having sex with him*. but I was wrong for pulling a weapon I accept that.


I don't understand the 3 years of her keeping the secret that your child could be another man's. I thought she was pregnant now.


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## Husband-Of-Honor (Jul 21, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I don't want to beat a dead horse here. It's good that you acknowledge this was an improper course of action.
> 
> ... but you're still minimizing
> 
> ...





GTdad said:


> My intent isn't to drive you off. I don't think there's many if any folks here who do, and you belong here just as much as the rest of us screwed-up people.
> 
> But I think you'd benefit hugely by letting the conversation extend beyond the narrow confines of whether separate bedrooms are a good plan.[/QUOTso say i did drive her to another man, should I seek counseling for myself and still try and repair the marriage? and how do I stop minimizing my part?


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Husband-Of-Honor said:


> so say i did drive her to another man, should I seek counseling for myself and still try and repair the marriage? and how do I stop minimizing my part?


I'd start by acknowledging to yourself how colossal a screw-up pulling a gun on your wife was. Even in the midst of the turmoil you found yourself in, that was a pretty ****ing big deal and something that rarely (thank God) happens.

But I can't believe anyone drives anyone else into another's arms. Were you a lousy husband beyond the gun thing? Maybe, I don't know, but it's no excuse for her actions.

I think this one is done. Protect yourself and move on as best you can. But part of moving on should involve working on the parts of you that need work, for the sake of your kids, your next relationship, and most importantly you.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

GTdad said:


> I'd start by acknowledging to yourself how colossal a screw-up pulling a gun on your wife was. Even in the midst of the turmoil you found yourself in, that was a pretty ****ing big deal and something that rarely (thank God) happens.
> 
> But I can't believe anyone drives anyone else into another's arms. Were you a lousy husband beyond the gun thing? Maybe, I don't know, but it's no excuse for her actions.
> 
> I think this one is done. Protect yourself and move on as best you can. But part of moving on should involve working on the parts of you that need work, for the sake of your kids, your next relationship, and most importantly you.


Concur.


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