# How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?



## monahan_seth

Before I go on, let me say that I love my wife more than anything and wouldn't dream of cheating on her or leaving her even if she ballooned up to 300 pounds. Having said that, my wife has put on around 40-50 pounds since we got married four years ago. To make things clear, she hasn't had a baby and she is only 27. She simply has gone into "I know that my man isn't going anywhere, so I can let go" mode. The problem is that she is now not my "type" anymore in terms of body type. I have absolutely no desire to see her naked and I have pretty much stopped initiating sex. We still have sex regularly, but she is almost always the one that initiates it. She is starting to catch on that I am not initiating sex anymore, so she is questioning me as to whether I think she is sexy or not, etc. I know that women have a need to be desired, and I would like nothing more than to satisfy this need. However, I am not a good actor/liar and whenever I try to initiate sex to make her happy (feel desired) it comes across as half-assed. I'll say it again, I love her more than anything, but men become "excited" with their eyes, not their hearts. I don't dare say that she has gotten too fat, as I have hinted with no success in the past (i.e., "why don't you exercise a bit...etc."), only to have her get defensive. What should I do?


As a side note, we have a home gym, an exercise bike, and a Wii Fit (that she "HAD" to have in order to exercise). She simply doesn't use them even after I prod her a bit. I also have tried to get us to eat healthier, but she snacks after we eat our healthier meals.


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## cb45

over a pint of guinness, me dear o'seth monahan. aye, a pint indeed! 

No...make that a half-pint & a wee bit.(calories....)


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## MEM2020

At this rate she is headed straight at adult onset diabetes. WORSE this risks future health problems for children if you choose to have them. 

At the rate she is going she WILL have a host of health problems. 

Have you tried specifically telling her you are setting aside time for the two of you to walk at night? Or do some other very caloric activity? You need to press that point - "we are young and we BOTH need to stay active". 

As for desire - I would tell her. But then - my wife told me when my weight was an issue. It hurt, but it helped. I fixed it. 



monahan_seth said:


> Before I go on, let me say that I love my wife more than anything and wouldn't dream of cheating on her or leaving her even if she ballooned up to 300 pounds. Having said that, my wife has put on around 40-50 pounds since we got married four years ago. To make things clear, she hasn't had a baby and she is only 27. She simply has gone into "I know that my man isn't going anywhere, so I can let go" mode. The problem is that she is now not my "type" anymore in terms of body type. I have absolutely no desire to see her naked and I have pretty much stopped initiating sex. We still have sex regularly, but she is almost always the one that initiates it. She is starting to catch on that I am not initiating sex anymore, so she is questioning me as to whether I think she is sexy or not, etc. I know that women have a need to be desired, and I would like nothing more than to satisfy this need. However, I am not a good actor/liar and whenever I try to initiate sex to make her happy (feel desired) it comes across as half-assed. I'll say it again, I love her more than anything, but men become "excited" with their eyes, not their hearts. I don't dare say that she has gotten too fat, as I have hinted with no success in the past (i.e., "why don't you exercise a bit...etc."), only to have her get defensive. What should I do?
> 
> 
> As a side note, we have a home gym, an exercise bike, and a Wii Fit (that she "HAD" to have in order to exercise). She simply doesn't use them even after I prod her a bit. I also have tried to get us to eat healthier, but she snacks after we eat our healthier meals.


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## Willow

Well my first thought in answer to your question was 'from a safe distance'....

Being serious though I think you telling her is only part of the solution. What you need to do is support her through this. It sounds like she has thought about weight loss (the wiifit would suggest that) but perhaps she is daunted by it. Help her find an exercise she loves, be that swimming, a class, tbh even getting out and doing a decent amount of walking would help her.

One other thing to consider is the contraception you are using. If she is taking anything hormonal such as the pill, or has implants, they can wreak havoc and make weight gain happen very quickly (and make it very hard to shift). 

I do think you should tell her. My H did not tell me and I wish he had. Now in one of the great ironies of life I am shifting alot of weight because of the miserable state of our marriage, and he is completely disconnected from me. So maybe telling her now will mean you won't end up where we are!


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## dyskinesia

You may wish to frame the discussion more around your concern for her health than your lack of attraction to her.

Diabetes sucks. I speak from personal experience that gastroparesis and perianal abscesses aren't really worth the freedom of eating as many chocolate Payday bars as you want.


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## Deejo

The input you get on this tends to vary - based upon the gender of the respondent.

The best suggestion I can make, as MEM points out, is to pull her in to your activities. I'm presuming that you do work out. If not, start. You can't possibly expect her to exercise for you, if you don't exercise for you. The goal is that she wants to exercise for own sense of health and well being.

She obviously doesn't place a lot of value on those things now.

If she resists, your only other option is to be honest and frank. If she asks if you think she's sexy, tell her 'I want to, but no.'
You opened your post by saying that you love your wife and would never consider leaving her or cheating on her.

If she thinks that too - then you need to shake up the dynamic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Selfish?

My first thought was 'ouch!' then 'tell her from a from a safe distance'....

I am a UK 14 and have been thinking of how I would react (do react when H tells me I need to lose weight)

Then I got to thinking what would make me lose some weight?

1) photos of me - gawd I hate them. Get the camera out, take some photos of the two of you, nice happy smilie photos - print some out and put on the fridge. (looking at my double chin everytime I went to the firdge might make me re think that snack)

2) go shopping together - you pick some healthy snacks - healthy easy grab snacks. After the healthy meal, treat you both to a bowl of fruit and yoghurt - I love pudding, the thought of fruit and yoghurt is yack, but if it is put in front of me, I would enjoy it. Its about habbit isnt it.

3) walks together - insist!

4) time each other on the gym stuff you have - set 2 days a week aside. 

5) oh competition... either against each other or a race with a price at the end - childish, but if there is a new pair of shoes at the end if i loose 7lb i will do it!!

5) money pot. for every lb I lose, i put £x in and you -put in double that.... more shoe money lol

hmmm seems like I am suggesting you do all the work for me to lose weight

Losing weight comes easy for some, for others is does not! it cant be made a chore.

eating can be like smoking, an addiction - we need to change our habbits and we need help to do that - I can tell you love her enough to help and in the end it will help you too.

Lx

PS please do not tell her she looks fat x (oh and "if you keep on eating we are going to have to buy you a new wardrobe of clothes" does not work... I wanted the new clothes then )


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## Anya

Ok listen:
You gotta sit down with your wife and tell her straight that she is gaining weight and you don't want her to suffer later on (u know, obesity, diabetes, back or bone problems).
After this, remind her that you love her more than anything and that's why you're telling her this, because nobody else will care for her health and image like you do.
And finally plan TOGETHER either exercising at home a couple of hours per day, or joining the gym and cooking healthier meals (less sugar and fats).
It's all about how you say it. 

I'm telling you because that's how my bf got me into the gym, cuz he wants me healthy but he sets me a good example too by exercising at home, jogging and stuff. ) hope it helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Susan2010

The hints, "prodding her a bit," suggestions to exercise together, trying to make it all about her health, whatever you can think up to do - even in a gentle manner - are not going to work. It's probably best not to assume your wife is stupid. She will know what you are *hinting* at and won't appreciate the hints. It's best to sit down and tell her "I'd like you to lose weight" and THEN tell her it is also a health issue and that you want her around forever. Ask her, don't suggest, if the two of you can begin an exercise routine and healthier eating together. If you can afford it, let her know you support however she wants to go about losing the weight - doctor weight loss center, Curves for Women, health spa, diet & fitness retreat, etc. Don't have something to say about everything (or anything) she eats. She wouldn't care for you being the diet police or her monitor, and you will reverse any progress she was able to make.


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## Deejo

Hunt Brown said:


> I mean really.... you make love to the person, not the body.


Dude said he doesn't find his wife attractive. No difference between if he doesn't find her attractive because she is obese - and at 10+ pounds over 5 years, yes, she is likely obese; or if she doesn't find him attractive because he leaves dishes in the sink and plays Xbox. The person is the issue.



Hunt Brown said:


> if she going to lose weight, she's got to get behind whatever has lead her to weight gain. you can help her there by listening, but interacting with her, by asking how you can help.


This is good. Absolutely agree. You can't want it for her. I still don't know why people get a pass when it comes to 'prodding' about weight, whereas in my analogy above, most folks would agree that you should just clean the damn dishes and put the joystick down.

What I also know is if she starts to see results, that she is happy with, and you in turn are happy with, then that is about all of the motivation required to do something good for yourself. Success breeds success.


Who does the food shopping? Care to share a typical inventory of your refrigerator?


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## turnera

Don't be making assumptions for WHY she gained weight. That's called a Disrespectful Judgment and unfair.

That said, what kind of marriage can you have if you cannot be honest with her?

Just tell her the truth.


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## crazedteacher

Coming from an overweight wife, I will tell you that your wife probably knows that you don't like the way she looks naked because believe me neither does she. I am a mother with a 3 year old daughter and a 12 year old step daughter and after having my daughter my weight has just yo yoed. Recently I found out my husband had an affair and my weight has been even worse going up and down. Whatever you do don't play the health card because she already knows all of that. chances are she has given up on losing and needs some encouragement. I suggest encouraging her and offering to do it with her. Be her workout buddy, I know I would love to do that with my husband or even wish I had time away from the kids to be able to work out. I wish you all the best and I hope things work out for you both.


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## cb45

u know yer W better than anyone here.

u know what will work n what wont. my guess is up front n honest and most of all involved. involved was first thing i thought the first time i read yer complaint.

so get off yer high horse n get involved, and shake up that belief of hers thinkin u wont leave/cheat, w/out exactly saying so, i think was what deejo was hinting at.

besides that/this, what do u weigh these days sean me'boy?
u didnt tell us.


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## Lookingforblueskies

I gained 20 lbs since I met my husband 2 years ago, part of the problem was that he introduced me to heartier and bigger portions of fattier foods. 

But I noticed on my own that I gained the weight and I wanted to lose it, but it was very hard to find the motivation. You get set into habits and my habits involved eating and sitting around.

I hate exercise or anything that feels like exercise, but I've been able to lose 10-15 lbs of it by making small changes in my routine. I still eat the same stuff, I just eat smaller portions of it. So if you are doing the cooking, just try to limit the amount on her plate, put away any extras so she won't eat them for seconds and try to fill her up on healthier, low-calorie foods like fruits and vegetables. Don't fry things, try grilling or baking things you would normally fry. Also, my husband and I have been going for 30 minute walks or bike rides, which for me, doesn't really feel like exercising. And if you help with the groceries, don't buy junk food... just getting it out of the house so it's not an option can make a huge difference.

Also, if you do approach her about it, try not to approach her in a way that will make her think she isn't sexy... come at it from a health perspective, like you are concerned about how this is affecting her, not your sex life. 

Just try to take a pro-active stance on it. Lead by example. Maybe she will jump on board.


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## Deejo

*Not on topic*

Health and fitness is a big deal to me. One of the biggest pieces of framing that discussion with anyone is eating habits.

For the most part, for many Americans, particularly young Americans, eating is an entirely passive process. There is no thought about 'what' goes into our mouths. We allow that do be dictated primarily by marketing and the media. Crappy food is cheaper than healthy food. Americans are far more sedentary as we move into the 21st century. From a health cost perspective, the figures are in the billions.

1 in 3 U.S. children are now considered overweight or obese.
2 out of 3 adults in the U.S. are overweight or obese.

Dieting is never, ever, going to cut it. What you need to think in terms of, is changing the way you eat - for life. 

Simple stuff? 
Cut out soda. If you drink 12 oz of soda a day, and swap it out for water, or carbonated water - you shed 15 pounds in a year.
Eat an apple instead of a donut or bag of chips. Exponentially less calories, but will actually make you feel more full.

Just stop and think about what you are putting in your mouth. Add on top of that an extremely mild exercise routine - of say walking for 20 minutes a day and the results would be staggering.


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## aw5756

You really should tell her know while you still have a chance otherwise you'll wind up like me and my husband, who also put on weight and has let go to the point where he no longer even brushes his teeth. Otherwise, you'll just find more things you don't like and eventually become fed up.


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## addie

i am a 25 yr old woman who is pregnant with second child. i have actually lost weight since i got pregnant but i had packed on way to much when i got pregnant the first time. and after my last baby was born i kept gaining. i gained 60 lbs total. needless to say i knew i wasa fat but my husband always told me i was fine the way i was. he left me not long after i got pregnant and started dating a new girl who well was my old body type. it made me wonder why he "really" left. if he had only told me he wasnt attrated to me anymore i might have had more of a push to lose the weight. we are back together now and expecting our baby next week. i am gonna try everything in my power to be that girl he fell for 5 yrs ago. i guess what i am saying is tell her how you feel. she will probably hit the fan at first but just let her know you love her and have no intentions of cheating, and that you just are not attracted to her the way you used to be.


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## aw5756

Like mommy22 said, she may have thyroid issues. Hypothyroidism isn't that rare but a blood test at her doctor's office can determine whether or not this is the reason for her weight gain. And if she doesn't, it could be stress or depression. Either way, it could be a good time for her to visit a doctor and make sure that everything is in check. And you should tell her. You can't help the way you feel but you can help how she feels. And if you have been avoiding her sexually, she's probably feeling neglected by you. You telling her that is a lot less detrimental than not telling her and avoiding her, making her depressed and causing feelings of inadequacy.


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## marriedtoo

I agree with some of the posts above. Don't assume why she gained weight. I wonder what makes you afraid of talking to her about it? If you decide to open up please don't do it in a diminishing way, offer help. 
I'm overweight and I hate to hear sarcastic comments from my husband.


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## MEM2020

Sarcastic comments about weight are mean and destructive. 

With that said the honesty below is refreshing. If you read these boards you will see that there are an amazingly long list of love busters that people use to explain their lack of desire for their partners. Very rarely does anyone say "well you should not let that effect your desire" as it is a given that desire is complex, and for some people it is fragile. 

I understand why people feel bad about being overweight. I do not understand why they feel their partners are "obligated" to desire them if they gain weight. 

If fitness is important to your partner - than by definition it should be important to you. If both of you are more relaxed about appearance that is great also. 

When my W got upset with me about my weight, I worked on it until she was happy. If I had gotten self righteous and not addressed it, that lack of effort would have hurt our marriage.



mommy22 said:


> Marriedtoo, always good to hear the alternate point of view. I think it's really helpful in a case like this in helping this man to better understand his wife's position. I don't think anyone plans to gain excess weight and it can be so tough getting it off.
> 
> I'm glad people find a sounding board here. It's a good place to admit our true feelings and difficulties. I can see where excess weight would make arousal more difficult. However, I applaud the poster for the commitment shown and a strong desire to do something about his feelings in a healthy manner.
> 
> I think marriedtoo has a good point about the way in which you approach this. Honesty doesn't equal brutality. Perhaps the two of you can talk this through in a loving way while you reassure her of how much you love her. Let her know that you don't want to lose her because of health related issues. As with most things, there's definitely a middle ground here.
> 
> And to reassure you, you can't help your feelings, but you can help how you react to them. Admittedly, if my husband gained fifty pounds, it would hinder my drive. I would definitely choose to love him anyway, but I would probably approach him about it. What you're feeling is a natural reaction, but you have to choose to love her through it. Make sure she knows that.


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## EMT820

Suggest that the two of you should start practicing a healthier lifestyle..do it as a team.


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## monahan_seth

Hunt Brown said:


> *To make things clear, she hasn't had a baby and she is only 27. She simply has gone into "I know that my man isn't going anywhere, so I can let go"*
> 
> well, you've pretty much figured her out, Dr. Freud.
> 
> the problem isn't her weight, it's that you think her weight gain reflects some sort of disregard for you. She's gotten too comfortable, she doesn't need to stay attractive because she's already landed the biggest fish in the marina.
> 
> do yourself a favor and let go of that meme. it's just going to lead to more judgmental behavior, more fights.
> 
> she's gained weight for any number of reasons... she's depressed, it's a side effect of medications (anti-depression, birth conrtol) or it could come from trying to keep up with you beer for beer, or just that her metabolism has changed and this sort of snuck up on her.
> 
> if you want to help her, stop punishing her by refusing sex. It becomes a self fullfilling prophecy, i don't want you because you're fat leads inexorably of why should I care, he doesn't want me. get back in the saddle. I mean really.... you make love to the person, not the body.
> 
> you are not going to sneek her into weight loss by secretly including her in long walks and dinners of rice wafers.
> 
> if she going to lose weight, she's got to get behind whatever has lead her to weight gain. you can help her there by listening, but interacting with her, by asking how you can help.
> 
> you don't start the conversation by saying "you're too fat."
> 
> you start off by saying, "honey, I want to have a conversation with you and it's going to be difficult, but I want you to know that I am coming from a place of concern and help. have you got time for me now?" and when she says yes you say
> 
> "I notice you've been struggling with your weight" put it right out there, she's not dumb. she knows her pants are tight, she knows the reason she hasn't gotten on the scale. and then you say "I love you and this concerns me because I know how much you enjoy looking your best, I know how much more energized you feel when you're thinner, and I want to understand what's going on in your life, I want to help any way I can."
> 
> don't offer solutions, don't tell her to diet or exercise: don't tell her to do anything, just listen and when she asks for help, do what she asks.
> 
> in the conversation that follows you might learn that it has nothing to do with any sort of "igotmymanicanletmyselfgo" synrome
> 
> good luck
> 
> Hunt Brown



Perhaps I should have been more clear. I assumed she has "igotmymanicanletmyselfgo" syndrome because when we were dating she used to watch what she ate and exercise regularly whereas now she does neither. I noticed a drop in both behaviors as our marriage progressed. She is not depressed, nor does she have some sort of glandular condition. On the contrary, she appears as happy now as she did when we were dating. Perhaps she is faking it, but I really really doubt it. If she is, she deserves some sort of acting award. No my friends, this is a case of laziness, plain and simple.


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## monahan_seth

mommy22 said:


> Monohan, I noticed you haven't been on since your initial post but I have one more thought. I'm not at all making excuses for your wife, but I do have one question. It sounds like she was on the heavy side when you married her at 250 pounds. Is there a possibility she may have thyroid issues or something else? I also know that polycystic ovarian syndrome causes excessive weight and can also bring with it other undesirable symptoms. Has she had these things checked with the ob-gyn? Are her periods irregular? There may be an underlying cause.
> 
> If you rule those things out, then I agree with the others who say you have to be lovingly honest with her but don't sugarcoat it. You're so much better off telling the truth than dealing with the temptation that may follow after the long dry spell which is sure to come if you say nothing. I totally agree with the poster who said she probably realizes the issue, wants to do something about it, but finds it daunting. She probably throws her hands up and says "I'm 150 pounds or more overweight. What's the point?" If diet and exercise are her only issues, maybe a visit with a nutritionist and an ongoing routine with a personal trainer would be of help. She might also find something like Weight Watchers meetings to be helpful where she has to go and weigh in and has the accountablity there.


Sorry, I should have been more clear about this point as well. When we met, she was slim...not even close to overweight.


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## turnera

So have you told her the truth?


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## Sixgunner




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## monahan_seth

asgoodasitcanbe said:


> Where does it read in the marriage contract that you will love her forever unless she gains weight?...Your post was the reason I just joined this site...It is the most degrading post about a woman that I have ever seen...So she gained some weight...So she will lose some weight...But, you are now turned off by her sexually because she didn't live up to what you expected her to be for life...God forbid, what if she had lost a breast?....What if a fatal illness had come her way?....Do you have any idea of how selfish and male chauvinistic that you sound?...During the course of our many years of marriage I went through spells where I, too, gained an excessive amount of weight...Stress can do this to you ...Never, I will repeat never, was it just to eat because I was assured of having my husband...Think again....You are putting yourself on a pedestal where you do not belong...IMO, my husband married me for all that I am and all that I will be...My acceptance of him rings the same tone...If he got dangerously overweight, I would help him, but never be sexually turned off....I would say to you to look in the mirror..The person who is looking back at you is the one that needs a refresher course in life.....Take care....
> 
> AGAICB


Let's not confound the terms "love" and "desire". My wife and I have an excellent relationship. We hug and cuddle constantly, I tell her I love her at least 4 or 5 times a day, and we do everything together. She feels completely loved and has told me so. However...all of this love and affection is not going to get me aroused. Perhaps it is a "deficiency" I have as a man, but I cannot simply turn my love for her into burning sexual desire. They are two separate domains. I know that this is different for women, so try to understand this from man's perspective.

The problem is not that I am complaining that she is too fat or that we don't have enough sex. I would stay with my wife even if her vagina was sewn up and we could never have sex again. The problem is that my wife is complaining that I do not initiate sex more often. In other words, she wants me to find her sexy, but she is unwilling to do her part to be sexier. 

Also, to answer others' questions, I do use the home gym equipment that we have in order to keep in shape. She has stopped using them completely.


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## monahan_seth

turnera said:


> So have you told her the truth?


Still debating...


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## turnera

"Honey, you've asked me if your weight gain has had an effect on my desire. I said no, because I love you and don't want to say anything that would make you feel bad. But I also have to be honest with you because I love you. We have to be able to tell each other the truth to have a happy marriage. And the truth is, your weight IS having an effect. I guess this has taught me that one of my top needs is to have an attractive wife, and I wish you did look like you did when we married. Can we talk about what we can do together to work on getting in shape? I want to do it, too."

Something like that is what I would want to hear as a wife.


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## MEM2020

Hunt,
Why is weight in a special "protected" category unlike brushing your teeth, showering, washing hair, getting a decent hair cut, dressing appropriately - maybe even attractively?

I don't understand your post. His wife clearly made an effort before marriage and stopped after marriage. How is "making an effort" not important? 

How is making an effort to stay in shape different than making an effort to keep up with grooming, clothing, hygiene and all the other things we did while dating to be attractive to our partners?

Aging - cancer - they have nothing to do with effort. They are not a message of indifference, just the result of time passing. Totally different. 





Hunt Brown said:


> *"No my friends, this is a case of laziness, plain and simple."*
> 
> dang boy... If I were your wife and I knew you thought that way about me I'd shove a twinkie in my mouth and give you a close up demonstration of how to pop a zit.
> 
> I'll tell you who's lazy in this relationship, it's the person who comes on line looking for advice and then dismisses it all as not fitting within his crudely framed concept of reality. It's not thyroid, it's not depression, it's not a side effect, nope, don't need to consider a thing I could do to help because it's just plain and simple laziness on her part.
> 
> you say you don't want to confound love and desire, and I don't think you can because your sole criteria seems to be lust.
> 
> You don't want a wife, you want the barbie doll you thought you married. you don't want to be a supportive husband and help your wife resolve her issues, you want her to get buff to satisfy your adolsecent fantasies.
> 
> reality check: assume she does buff up just for you... hooray, you get a the biological equivelant of a blow up doll, but one day she's going to get older. Her hair is going to turn grey and her boobs are going to sag... then what are you going to do? Blame her for aging? (*How do I tell my wife her age makes me gag?*)what if she gets cancer? (*how do I tell my wife that her baldness turns me off?*)what if she loses a leg in an automobile accident? (*how can I tell my wife that her stump grosses me out?*)
> 
> nope, your issue isn't that your wife is overweight, your issue is that you think you deserve a thin one.
> 
> I feel sorry for your wife.
> 
> 
> Hunt Brown


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## monahan_seth

Hunt Brown said:


> *"No my friends, this is a case of laziness, plain and simple."*
> 
> dang boy... If I were your wife and I knew you thought that way about me I'd shove a twinkie in my mouth and give you a close up demonstration of how to pop a zit.
> 
> I'll tell you who's lazy in this relationship, it's the person who comes on line looking for advice and then dismisses it all as not fitting within his crudely framed concept of reality. It's not thyroid, it's not depression, it's not a side effect, nope, don't need to consider a thing I could do to help because it's just plain and simple laziness on her part.
> 
> you say you don't want to confound love and desire, and I don't think you can because your sole criteria seems to be lust.
> 
> You don't want a wife, you want the barbie doll you thought you married. you don't want to be a supportive husband and help your wife resolve her issues, you want her to get buff to satisfy your adolsecent fantasies.
> 
> reality check: assume she does buff up just for you... hooray, you get a the biological equivelant of a blow up doll, but one day she's going to get older. Her hair is going to turn grey and her boobs are going to sag... then what are you going to do? Blame her for aging? (*How do I tell my wife her age makes me gag?*)what if she gets cancer? (*how do I tell my wife that her baldness turns me off?*)what if she loses a leg in an automobile accident? (*how can I tell my wife that her stump grosses me out?*)
> 
> nope, your issue isn't that your wife is overweight, your issue is that you think you deserve a thin one.
> 
> I feel sorry for your wife.
> 
> 
> Hunt Brown


There are so many things wrong with this post that I don't even know where to start...

1. I am not dismissing any advice given by anyone. I am simply ruling out possible causes for my wife's weight gain. It is not depression or a glandular problem, so the discussion need not focus on these causes. In fact, there have been a few suggestions that I just might utilize. For example, the suggestion to exercise together was quite good. Yes, we have the exercise equipment and yes, I am perfectly fine working out alone. However, maybe I was assuming too much in thinking that my wife is also ok with working out on her own as well...even though she used to when we were dating. Maybe I was a bit harsh in using the term "lazy". I should have said, "she has ceased putting forth any effort to stay in shape". Also, I would never dream of telling my wife that she is lazy. I was just ruling out any "it isn't in her control" type of excuses.

2. If my sole criteria were lust, I would have left my wife. On the contrary, I have stated multiple times that I would not leave her no matter how big she got. I am not so naive as to believe that I would be happier leaving my wife that I love more than anything in order to find a woman that sexually excites me. I'm not that shallow or stupid.

3. You say, "assume that she does buff up for you..." as if that were a bad thing. That would completely solve our problem, as the problem lies in the fact that I do not initiate sex as often as my wife would like. If she were to get back in shape, I would initiate sex more often and the problem would disappear, correct?

4. I will echo MEM in saying that my current situation has nothing to do with the situations you posited (cancer, etc.). My wife has control over her weight and can do something about it. If a woman were to come on this forum and complain that her husband has stopped showering and this was turning her off from sex, I am sure that everyone would tell that woman to tell her man to hit the shower. As MEM said, weight should not have special treatment. It is about effort.


----------



## MEM2020

Hunt,
More than half the women in my parents generation had the attitude that you "take care of yourself until marriage - after marriage you do what you want". They were VERY judgmental about unmarried women who were fat - and completely comfortable with the idea of getting fat AFTER marriage. And that judgmental posture came from the knowledge that guys are very visual and if you want to be attractive to prospective husbands you manage your weight. That mindset persists - not just with women - with some men as well. 

It IS about effort and there is way too much politically correct tiptoeing around obesity in the US. Aside from the aesthetics - which some husbands DO care about from the perspective that they reflect the desire to remain desirable - we are facing a tidal wave of adult onset diabetes in this country. 

Making healthy food choices and exerting yourself to exercise more and watch tv less is sane behavior. 

Normally your choice of wording is not so diplomatic/non specific as to be ambiguous. "we have let it get ahead of us" is some very PC version of lack of effort, self control, etc. 


Nothing wrong with being polite but there sure is a lot wrong with attacking a poster because he is not happy that he is observing a pattern of post marital behavior that is less caring than the pre-marital behavior. 

He HAS observed her behavior - it HAS changed. She is NOT depressed she just thinks this is ok. 






monahan_seth said:


> There are so many things wrong with this post that I don't even know where to start...
> 
> 1. I am not dismissing any advice given by anyone. I am simply ruling out possible causes for my wife's weight gain. It is not depression or a glandular problem, so the discussion need not focus on these causes. In fact, there have been a few suggestions that I just might utilize. For example, the suggestion to exercise together was quite good. Yes, we have the exercise equipment and yes, I am perfectly fine working out alone. However, maybe I was assuming too much in thinking that my wife is also ok with working out on her own as well...even though she used to when we were dating. Maybe I was a bit harsh in using the term "lazy". I should have said, "she has ceased putting forth any effort to stay in shape". Also, I would never dream of telling my wife that she is lazy. I was just ruling out any "it isn't in her control" type of excuses.
> 
> 2. If my sole criteria were lust, I would have left my wife. On the contrary, I have stated multiple times that I would not leave her no matter how big she got. I am not so naive as to believe that I would be happier leaving my wife that I love more than anything in order to find a woman that sexually excites me. I'm not that shallow or stupid.
> 
> 3. You say, "assume that she does buff up for you..." as if that were a bad thing. That would completely solve our problem, as the problem lies in the fact that I do not initiate sex as often as my wife would like. If she were to get back in shape, I would initiate sex more often and the problem would disappear, correct?
> 
> 4. I will echo MEM in saying that my current situation has nothing to do with the situations you posited (cancer, etc.). My wife has control over her weight and can do something about it. If a woman were to come on this forum and complain that her husband has stopped showering and this was turning her off from sex, I am sure that everyone would tell that woman to tell her man to hit the shower. As MEM said, weight should not have special treatment. It is about effort.


----------



## monahan_seth

Hunt Brown said:


> I agree it's about effort... your lack of it, your unwilliness to let go of the blame game.
> 
> You rest on your assumptions that it's her fault because she's not trying... I haven't seen one word to suggest that you have even talked to her about her weight, so how could you possibly know where she believes the cause lies? you say it's not depression, but htf do you know? it's your concusion, your assumption, your judgement. you are, to coin a phrase, talking through your hat.
> 
> and do you think that she is so dense that if you ever do get around to talking to her she won't pick up on your vibe that it's her fault? how are you ever going to have a caring conversation, how are you ever going to get her to believe you want to help if she knows, and she will, that you think its her fault? that you blame her.
> and even if she is "lazy" do you think you can shame her into losing weight to make you happy? is that the kind of relationship you want?
> 
> you started this post two days ago. taking the question in its best possible light it was simply, how do I address this matter with compassion and effect the change I want... (and nobody said there's anything wrong with wanting a sexy wife)
> 
> my advice to you then was if you want to address this matter in a caring, loving, compassionate manner you have to let go of the blame.
> 
> your considered reply was.... she's lazy. (oh, I'm sorry, she's ceased putting forth any effort to stay in shape... I'm sure she'll respond more positively to that euphemism)
> 
> you say you are not shallow or stupid, but you suggest in the next paragraph that if she buffs up and you initiate sex then the problem goes away. if you get your rocks off then all is good with the world. you can do the math on that one without my help.
> 
> NB: this problem is not going to disappear if she loses weight. this problem stems from your sense of entitlement, your right to judge your wife and find her lacking.
> 
> if it's not weight, it will be something else.
> 
> 
> 
> Hunt Brown


Maybe you aren't reading my posts in their entirety. I don't need to get "my rocks off", nor do I have any sense of entitlement. Perhaps I need to state the problem AGAIN...I am not complaining that my wife is too fat. The problem is not, "Jesus, my wife is so fat. What should I do?" The problem is that SHE wants me to desire her, yet she has completely let herself go. I could care less how big she gets or how much sex we have. The fact that I am not initiating sex is HER hangup, not mine. 

On another note...how else would you put it if a woman stops taking care of herself? Whose fault is it? The responsibility lies with her. Yes, I concede that there may be instances where the person is depressed and/or has a physiological problem that causes him/her to gain weight...but my situation is not like that. Of course I would never go to my wife and say something like, "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT THAT YOU ARE FAT NOW! GET ON THAT TREADMILL!" By stating that it was her own fault that she was getting fat, I was merely ruling out other explanations. I am not playing any sort of "blame game". How she got to be this big is not as important as how to move forward.

Off topic...Only in the US, where people who are clearly overweight call themselves "normal", do people constantly go about making excuses for becoming overweight/obese. "I have a glandular problem," says 40% of the population. I've lived in other countries and if someone is fat there (by international standards, not the grotesquely skewed US standard), they are simply fat, no excuses. Take some personal responsibility for christ's sake.


----------



## MEM2020

Seth,
At risk of causing others to rain hellfire missiles on my head:

It really is ok to address this in phases. Phase 1:
- You start asking her to work out WITH you - my W and I walk together, bike together etc. 
- You ask her if the two of you can grocery shop together and then at the store if she starts to buy a lot of problem foods you can directly say "I think it is important that we encourage each other to live healthy lifestyles - I am glad you are working out with me - I want you to make the effort to make healthier food choices"

If SHE asks you "is this about my weight" - you need to be honest with her. 

If it were me I would say "it is about two things: I want to feel that I am as important to you as your H, as I was as your boyfriend. Because back then you DID make an effort to live healthier. And YES it is also about your weight because it reminds me that somehow I have gone from being this guy whose opinion and desire you really valued to being someone less important and I don't like that".




monahan_seth said:


> Maybe you aren't reading my posts in their entirety. I don't need to get "my rocks off", nor do I have any sense of entitlement. Perhaps I need to state the problem AGAIN...I am not complaining that my wife is too fat. The problem is not, "Jesus, my wife is so fat. What should I do?" The problem is that SHE wants me to desire her, yet she has completely let herself go. I could care less how big she gets or how much sex we have. The fact that I am not initiating sex is HER hangup, not mine.
> 
> On another note...how else would you put it if a woman stops taking care of herself? Whose fault is it? The responsibility lies with her. Yes, I concede that there may be instances where the person is depressed and/or has a physiological problem that causes him/her to gain weight...but my situation is not like that. Of course I would never go to my wife and say something like, "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT THAT YOU ARE FAT NOW! GET ON THAT TREADMILL!" By stating that it was her own fault that she was getting fat, I was merely ruling out other explanations. I am not playing any sort of "blame game". How she got to be this big is not as important as how to move forward.
> 
> Off topic...Only in the US, where people who are clearly overweight and call themselves "normal", do people constantly go about making excuses for becoming overweight/obese. "I have a glandular problem," says 40% of the population. I've lived in other countries and if someone is fat there (by international standards, not the grotesquely skewed US standard), they are simply fat, no excuses. Take some personal responsibility for christ's sake.


----------



## MEM2020

I agree with this. And I retract my former comments about laziness. We don't know why she is doing this. I do think it is fair for Seth to encourage healthy behavior and to exercise/groc shop with her. 

I also think - after a PM from Hunt penetrated my thick skull - that a better approach is to simply ask her why she isn't taking as good care of herself as she used to. And to ask "is there anything I can do to be a good partner and help?" Is a world better than directly linking this to attraction. The former approach is "I want to know more about you - my partner - and I am here to help". The latter approach - no matter how tactful is one of "I am not happy with you". 

It is ok - in my book - to eventually say "I am not happy with you" - but only after all else fails. 




Hunt Brown said:


> this isn't about a national obesity problem, this isn't about political correctness, this isn't about diabetes or even aesthetics. this is about
> 
> how do I address this with my wife
> 
> and leading with "you're not putting in the effort" or any other sort of blame is not the way to do it.
> 
> Hunt Brown


----------



## Deejo

I find it nothing short of friggin' incredible that this guy is being treated like he's banging a 22 year old co-ed because his wife who when on the hunt was svelte and working out, is now fat.

I'm echoing MEM's point with a post I made in the past to one of the umpteen-hundred other threads dealing with this issue:



> Let me re-frame the circumstances.
> 
> So ... whether male or female, if you know that your marriage is suffering, and your spouse's interest in you is waning due to your appearance, what do you do?
> 
> Do you make it about them and convince yourself that they are shallow, or do you take a serious look at yourself and implement changes?
> 
> How are matters of appearance that impact your partner's attraction to you any different than behavioral, emotional issues that have an adverse effect on your relationship?


My problem in this equation ... is that seth's spouse gets a free pass while the argument becomes framed as HIS to address, along with being shallow and selfish. She KNOWS what the issue is - and chooses avoid it, or just as here, make it about him - and that is generally accepted mode of operation.

I don't think seth would have much reason to post if she showed even a modicum of interest in changing her behavior.


----------



## turnera

Deejo said:


> I don't think seth would have much reason to post if she showed even a modicum of interest in changing her behavior.


 And yet he lies to her, and then sits back and resents her. When she doesn't even know the truth.


----------



## questions

This is such a loaded topic, and I see why you would need advices on how to address it with your wife. Depending on how it's received, this discussion has the potential to damage her self-esteem and cause her to view you less than ideal (i.e. superficial or shallow) or to grow resentful toward you. 

IMHO as a woman, it's best to be honest with your own feelings and share them with your wife. However, you absolutely have to own all your feelings. As it's your truth, you might want to start the discussion with the fact that you love her very much and that you would never leave her. On the other hand, it pains YOU not having the desire toward her that you once had. You wish that YOU could be a bigger and better man by being able to desire her no matter how she changes physically. While it would always be the case in terms of your ability to love her, your raw physical desire doesn't follow your heart. It's your sad truth that you no longer physically desire her, but you do love so very, very much. You wish that things were different, but that's how things are for you.

This still will be a very difficult message for your wife. No wives ever want to hear that they are no longer desired, but the ball would now be in her court as to what she decides to do with this information. You have genuinely and as lovingly as possible shared your truth, including your inability to physically desire her in her current state. I can't predict what she might do with this information. She could still get very angry, hurt and upset with you. She could also blame you. But, you're being honest with her and also giving her a chance to see YOU as how you really are so she can make a decision. Hopefully, she can also see that it's not easy for you to feel this way, knowing how much you love her... 

Ultimately, the motivation to change her eating habits and lifestyles needs to come from her. Only she has the power to stick to the discipline it requires to lose weight and keep it low. You're merely giving her an occasion to question whether she needs to somehow find the motivation to do it. Nobody can sustain changes if they don't want to do it themselves or do it out of fear (i.e. you leaving unless she loses weight, etc). You could be that loving motivation, by showing her unwavering love for her and also by being genuine and honest.

Good luck!


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## cb45

i dont see seth lying to her, just not being assertively clear.

maybe huntbrown should ask seth how much he weighs these days, and seth may oblige?

i agree w/ deejo last post. his copy/paste was thought provoking as well.


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## kiwigirl

mmm thats a hard one. i myself am a gym junkie and i never leave the house without my hair done and makeup, i however do it for myself not anyone else. have u ever heard of the dukan diet?? its aimed at meat eaters but you can eat as much as you want on it so that might help. you could do it together or something


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## turnera

cb45 said:


> i dont see seth lying to her, just not being assertively clear.
> 
> maybe huntbrown should ask seth how much he weighs these days, and seth may oblige?
> 
> i agree w/ deejo last post. his copy/paste was thought provoking as well.


I'm pretty sure he said that she flat out asked him if her weight was making him not want to have sex with her, and he said NO.


----------



## Deejo

turnera said:


> And yet he lies to her, and then sits back and resents her. When she doesn't even know the truth.


That's a bit of a stretch. It's a 2 sentence summary of Mr. Browns extensive and speculative, take on the matter.

Fifty pounds over 5 years in her late-twenties? She knows she's overweight. She knows he is no longer initiating sex. She walks by the exercise equipment _in their home_ every day. My point is pretty simple; make her the original poster instead of seth, and everyone would be advising her to take steps to improve herself - including but not limited to; eat better, be more active, engage your husband in same. Instead, many are cautioning how he approaches the issue because HE may adversely impact her self-esteem or cause resentment.

I acknowledge that people are going to have vastly different views on this, based upon _bias_.

If she took up smoking 2 packs of butts a day after getting married, or started drinking like a fish, that bias wouldn't exist with regard to approaching the issue.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. My opinion is that the OP's original assessment of the circumstances is probably the correct one. She simply became complacent. And again my opinion, complacence is a breeding ground for problems and resentment.


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## turnera

Yes, but she asked him, and he said no. If he would just say yes, maybe that is all it would take for her to get up and exercise and watch what she eats. She is missing a key piece of information. I'm not saying it's because he's mean or anything. He was trying to make her feel good. But in the end, she doesn't _know_.


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## cb45

Hey T, 
since u r insisting he said NO, could u pls quote or cc/paste it from this thread???(in subjects somewhat entirety, that is)

i dont see it from quick skim of posts.

appreciate it, tks.


----------



## questions

Seth,
As you can see from this thread, the moment you start exchange "you (she/he/they) did (said) this and that" or "you are this and that", it becomes an argument. Because whenever we put our own evaluative statement on others, it's subjected to our own interpretation, and that might not be how the other perceives himself/herself. However, if you share your OWN feelings, needs, and specific actions, they can't argue with your own feelings, needs, etc. Unless you want to get into arguments and/or resentment cycle with your wife, I'd suggest that you simply stick to your own feelings/needs, such as "I am afraid but I don't feel physical desire for you anymore, "I wish I could feel the desire again", "Here's how you can help me feel the desire again, etc" No statements such as "You let yourself go, you became lazy, you stopped taking care of yourself, etc...". At any rate, have the honest conversation with your wife about your feelings and need, instead of circling the topic.
Here's another book suggestion: Non-violent conversation by Marshall Rosenberg.

Good luck.


----------



## turnera

cb45 said:


> Hey T,
> since u r insisting he said NO, could u pls quote or cc/paste it from this thread???(in subjects somewhat entirety, that is)
> 
> i dont see it from quick skim of posts.
> 
> appreciate it, tks.


First he said this:
_I don't dare say that she has gotten too fat, as I have hinted with no success in the past_

And later I asked him if he told her the truth yet and he replied:
_Still debating... _


----------



## Atholk

Well we've been through this topic a few times on this board before and I think we all know the basic plot line here.

1. He doesn't tell her and she keeps getting fatter and he becomes less and less attracted to her. Eventually the idea of cheating or leaving her gets stronger and stronger and he succumbs to one or the other. He is shamed as a bad man for doing so and not loving her as he should and not accepting the beautiful inner flower of womanhood that she is.

2. He tells her she is getting too fat to be attractive and he is verbally slammed by every female she knows and the board for being shallow and cruel and not accepting the beautiful inner flower of womanhood that she is. Not much happens towards weight loss as the avalanche of shaming backs up her position. They suffer on together or he cheats or leaves.

3. If they divorce she will lose all the weight he was asking her to lose in order to try and attract a new man. Somehow they can magically change their behavior and diet and exercise after a divorce.

So....

Just accept that you will be slammed as the bad guy for bringing this issue up and understand that you feel unattracted to her as a fat version of herself because she is in fact sexually unattractive.

So you just have to state it as plainly as possible.

"I'm not attracted to overweight women".


----------



## Atholk

Hunt Brown said:


> There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
> Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
> 
> Hamlet, Act I
> 
> there are other alternatives that are painfully obvious
> 
> 
> Hunt Brown


No seriously this topic comes up every three months or so. The men get smashed by the women every time for saying the weight is an issue that ruins their sexual interest in their wife. The language usually turns very nasty and we get angry private messages as well.

As I said, the OP has to stick to his guns that he is having an issue with his loss of attraction to her being over weight and accept that he's going to get attempts to shame him into backing off about it.

Otherwise if you have another alternative that is painfully obvious I suggest you state it and help the OP rather than simply try and score troll points.


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## turnera

Over at marriagebuilders, they have you figure out your top emotional needs. One of those possible ENs is physical attractiveness. In other words, it's completely legitimate for you to need and want a physically attractive mate. You get no guff over there for wanting it. You want what you want.


----------



## cb45

"simply try and score TROLL points"

OR, if u prefer......

YouTube - Jethro Tull - Aqualung

-----------mon i havent heard this in ages-------------


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## definitelynotme

I am probably wrong (I usually am), but my approach would be a combination of what sveeral others have suggested... be first and foremost honest, but temper that with a plan... i.e., be somewhat forceful and simply say "by god, we are going to walk/work out/whatever/ together 2/3/4 days a week," and then simply do it. "F*** it all and f****** no regrets" to borrow a line from a band I used to like.


----------



## LadyOfTheHouse

what Hunt said, basically. 

lat me clarify, though--she's acting as though she hasn't NOTICED she's gained 50 pounds? no "does my a55 look fat in this dress?" no compensatory whining?

at any rate, though, yes: what Hunt said and what Turnera said. let's not assume she's deliberately let herself go. 

do you know how HARD is is for a typical woman in that age range to gain that much weight? especially w/ no kids? even if she does nothing bjut eateateat all day, her metabolism should still be at least maintaining...don't rule out thyroid issues.

look, i don't know if you ever answered the bit re contraceptives, but i've known a few of my lean, mean running buddies to fricking INFLATE after taking depo-provera or getting mirena. and these are vain, high-maintenance girls who would rather DIE than "let themselves go". 

if she IS taking a contraceptive that could be (hypothetically) responsible, you can broach the subject easily without implying that the weight-gain is her fault.

but yeah, basically, what Hunt Brown said. you've GOT to say something blunt, albeit tactfully and sweetly.

p.s. my formerly buff ex-marine husband has gained 45 lbs since we got married. meanwhile, i've gained negative 6 lbs, even w/ 2 kids. i speak from experience: DON'T invent compliments in hopes of motivating her: "wow, you look really lean, have you been doing crunches?" she'll see right through them and be deeply offended. false flattery w/ a motive is worse than real flattery.


----------



## DawnD

First, I am a woman and I will not knock you for wanting your wife to lose weight that she has put on in recent years. While I agree that you can never really know if she is depressed or not without asking she too has to be productive and want to lose it. Here is my best bet:

" Honey, I love you more than anything, but I am having a hard time being attracted to you sexually. Is there something going on with you that is causing you to gain weight? Are you unhappy?" 
If she can answer that and say oh, I just can't seem to lose it, then be helpful. 

" How about we start working out together? We can get a trainer for the first two sessions and then we can go and spend time as a couple doing something that will make us both feel better?"

If that doesn't work, I got nothing LOL>


----------



## turnera

Print out Dawn's response, go to her, and read it out loud.


----------



## WakeUpC22

Wow. Some of you women are hopeless and I am going to side with the guys on this one. 

You are all frankly way too emotional and need a reality slap. I told my SO that his morning breath distracts me during sex and immediately his routine is better than mine.

If he EVER told me that being thin is more attractive or he likes me to be toned, I will immediately lose weight and won't throw a *****fit because it's not personal. It's how we work.

What is it like to mate with a whale? Well we don't know and we shouldn't have an idea now should we?

Being shallow is just how human nature is but as a sign of respect for my partner I should be intensely concerned with what he wants from me as much as he is intensely concerned with what I want from him.

So for women who are overweight including myself, get off your princess pedestal and face the truth. You're fat. I don't care if you're only a little over the BMI, you're fat and look nothing like you used to. Life's tough and no one is there to go aww poor baby let me sit through that work out for you, your fat is your fat and just like no one is going to brush your teeth for you no one is going to take you through a work out routine.

My tip? Nothing is too hard if you put your mind to it. For me my weight gain was pregnancy as well as an infection. I know that when I count calories and eat more veggies my system will not defy nature and make me gain weight. Counting calories does work because it has a scientific basis. What doesn't work is crash dieting or those useless fads on tv.

Anyways, if you want to have enjoyable sex and outings being "shallow" or finding ways to be turned on by one another's presence is how that happens. Young or middle aged love and marriage is like that. Now with advanced ages the affects of getting old comes the wise, gentle love that comes only from...well getting old. Until then, you better believe that I care about my appearance and that I will be careful not to let myself go.

Lastly please spare me the women's right crap. This is not at all about real women's rights but about getting what you want with the most minimal of effort. And that's not feminism my dearsl but utter bull****. So stop crapping all over real feminism and look good for your spouse because that is being respectful to him and the relationship. You get all flabby and unattractive looking you better believe he has a right to complain as much as you can complain about his hygiene. 

So drop that ego at the door and do 20. You need it because you should care more about his needs than your own lazy, princess attitude.


----------



## zeen

Tell her upfront in as polite a way as possible. But be honest. and secodnly, get involved in activities with her. Say like set aside time to use ure gym together. GO fro walks. OR join a yoga classs together. 
Hint on how u find other slimmer women attractive. Might help .. but make sure she knows ure not serious abt it.


----------



## okeydokie

WakeUpC22 said:


> Wow. Some of you women are hopeless and I am going to side with the guys on this one.
> 
> You are all frankly way too emotional and need a reality slap. I told my SO that his morning breath distracts me during sex and immediately his routine is better than mine.
> 
> If he EVER told me that being thin is more attractive or he likes me to be toned, I will immediately lose weight and won't throw a *****fit because it's not personal. It's how we work.
> 
> What is it like to mate with a whale? Well we don't know and we shouldn't have an idea now should we?
> 
> Being shallow is just how human nature is but as a sign of respect for my partner I should be intensely concerned with what he wants from me as much as he is intensely concerned with what I want from him.
> 
> So for women who are overweight including myself, get off your princess pedestal and face the truth. You're fat. I don't care if you're only a little over the BMI, you're fat and look nothing like you used to. Life's tough and no one is there to go aww poor baby let me sit through that work out for you, your fat is your fat and just like no one is going to brush your teeth for you no one is going to take you through a work out routine.
> 
> My tip? Nothing is too hard if you put your mind to it. For me my weight gain was pregnancy as well as an infection. I know that when I count calories and eat more veggies my system will not defy nature and make me gain weight. Counting calories does work because it has a scientific basis. What doesn't work is crash dieting or those useless fads on tv.
> 
> Anyways, if you want to have enjoyable sex and outings being "shallow" or finding ways to be turned on by one another's presence is how that happens. Young or middle aged love and marriage is like that. Now with advanced ages the affects of getting old comes the wise, gentle love that comes only from...well getting old. Until then, you better believe that I care about my appearance and that I will be careful not to let myself go.
> 
> Lastly please spare me the women's right crap. This is not at all about real women's rights but about getting what you want with the most minimal of effort. And that's not feminism my dearsl but utter bull****. So stop crapping all over real feminism and look good for your spouse because that is being respectful to him and the relationship. You get all flabby and unattractive looking you better believe he has a right to complain as much as you can complain about his hygiene.
> 
> So drop that ego at the door and do 20. You need it because you should care more about his needs than your own lazy, princess attitude.


:smthumbup:


----------



## Mom6547

turnera said:


> "Honey, you've asked me if your weight gain has had an effect on my desire. I said no, because I love you and don't want to say anything that would make you feel bad. But I also have to be honest with you because I love you. We have to be able to tell each other the truth to have a happy marriage. And the truth is, your weight IS having an effect. I guess this has taught me that one of my top needs is to have an attractive wife, and I wish you did look like you did when we married. Can we talk about what we can do together to work on getting in shape? I want to do it, too."
> 
> Something like that is what I would want to hear as a wife.


In my opinion, this advice is perfect. One thing I would add is to make LOVE with your wife often. Whether that means eye caresses from across the room, massages, sweet gentle sex. Remind her over and over that you love her and support her regardless of how the desire issue resolves itself. That will help with the negative impact to the self esteem that is inevitable when weight comes up.

Good luck!


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## Mom6547

monahan_seth said:


> Off topic...Only in the US, where people who are clearly overweight call themselves "normal", do people constantly go about making excuses for becoming overweight/obese. "I have a glandular problem," says 40% of the population. I've lived in other countries and if someone is fat there (by international standards, not the grotesquely skewed US standard), they are simply fat, no excuses. Take some personal responsibility for christ's sake.


It is very unpopular to think that being in shape and health and fit is a value since overweight people will automatically feel abused. But the truth is as you say. For the vast majority of us, overweightness is something we just have to fix in ourselves. It can feel really, really good when achieved.

I am a tad overweight right now. Any doc would say I am within the healthy weight range. When I am naked, I look pretty good. But when I put clothes on I can see it. Kinda backwards, I know. But the stuff squishes a bit around the edges of the clothing. I KNOW that I and only I can fix this. Luckily my husband is wonderful and patient. He feels he also has a pooch to lose. I think he is a massive hottie! 

Off to yoga tonight!


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## Janie

I apologize if this has been mentioned (I didn't read through the entire thread).

There is a book by Willard Harley called "His Needs Her Needs". It's a list of male/female needs most likely to be unmet during marriage and lead to most affairs. It is a fantastic book.

One of the male needs mentioned is 'attractiveness' (of his spouse). It reiterates that men are much more visual than women. 

You could read the book and share it with her to open up discussion about each of your needs and how each of you think you're providing for the other's needs. I'm sure there is more than one area that could use improvement. 

My husband and I use the guidelines of the book as 'report cards' for ourselves and each other. It's easy to see the areas that are slipping over time and work on fixing them.


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## star71

You know, my H has told me that he does not want to be with someone who is twice his weight. Goes on to say, if I was him, I would tell her that you need to lose weight or we are done. I am 14 pounds over BTW but I will lose for me and no one else.

Simply said, help her out! Go walking, hiking, workout together. Some people need a hard push. However, she is your wife, do it with care or else she may not care either. How about you are you in shape? I ask because some men may think that the lady has to be in shape and they don't. It works both ways I guess.


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## gypsysouls

being a woman and coming from a marriage where i did gain alot of weight after things got comfortable - be honest with her and everyone is right in saying that you dont want to just say that shes gotton fat and that you dont find her attractive anymore.

my H does have diabetes - and he went down that route, at first i was hurt and embarressed but then after watching gunter open up the chest of a large woman for an autopsy, i saw the large amount of fat on her chest and how young she was and freaked. i have now lost 72 pounds btw.

you know your wife and for her healths sake (nothing else) she should loose the weight. increased weight brings on diabetes, heart problems, arthritus, hormonal conditions (like polysistic ovarian syndrome) and greatly decreases the chance of concieving a child.

get a doctor involved to find out if there is a medical reason as to why she has gained the weight, if its the result of some medication she may be taking and the doctor can guide her through weight loss.

also trying to loose weight by yourself is beyond hard - maybe she needs a friend to work out with, maybe that would be more comfortable for her. it can be very intimidating to loose weight with a partner sometimes.

yes i can see that you do want to still be sexually attracted to your wife, but focus on her health and how much longer you two will have together if she is in a healthy weight range.


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## AliceA

More sex as my husband tells me, as often as possible, as strenuous as possible, will help shed those kilos


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## Wisp

Breeze.. indeed. proven to be correct


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## turnera

Yeah, my husband always tries that one, too, lol. Poor thing: I ignore him.


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## fairy godmother

I don't think you should approach her at all. If she's like any normal woman she's gotten the hint and hasn't taken a hard look at herself in order to take that first step. I'm in the process of losing the like 20 lbs I've gained over our first year of marriage and I wasn't skinny to begin with but luckily my husband didn't decrease the amount of sex or anything. Nothing could put me over the edge more than feeling undesirable....yikes, bring on the chocolate I'd say! I've been counting calories. My DH eats whatever he wants and it's usually not healthy. I eat lean cuisines and watch my calorie content the most I can...and even overestimate if I'm unsure... I'm honest with myself and diet is the most important element for me...cuz I'm really inconsistent and lazy with exercise. Exercise can sometimes increase my appetite- gosh and I don't want that! Good luck....let her figure it out. She's gotta be the one to do it! My DH says, I can't do it for you...you've gotta do it for yourself! He's supportive and encouraging! He says, keep doing what you're doing cuz it's working,etc. I've lost 14 lbs since end of May.


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## Hubby321

You know, I have a similar issue. my wife has gained about 40 lbs. since we've been together; she insists on having fast food and soda pop when we're out; I prefer salad (I'm no veggie) but being now in our 40s i'm trying to watch what i eat and stay away from the "artery cloggers" while she indulges on triple whoppers, etc. So reading these posts I'm trying to help her also.


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## savevsdeath

monahan_seth said:


> Let's not confound the terms "love" and "desire". My wife and I have an excellent relationship. We hug and cuddle constantly, I tell her I love her at least 4 or 5 times a day, and we do everything together. She feels completely loved and has told me so. However...all of this love and affection is not going to get me aroused. Perhaps it is a "deficiency" I have as a man, but I cannot simply turn my love for her into burning sexual desire. They are two separate domains. I know that this is different for women, so try to understand this from man's perspective.


Snipped for brevity, but the part I quoted is something that is absolutely key for any woman to keep in mind. We males by and large do not tie love and sex together in the same package as many women do, and like monahan I love my wife too much to leave her but it's painful when the times come around where she tries to initiate sex and i just can't make myself do it, or i try to initiate so she doesn't feel bad and she can tell my heart isn't in it. 

Ladies, you must, must, must remember that no matter how much you may wish it otherwise we males are visual creatures, and if you expect your significant other to remain attracted to you after you gain 60 pounds, you will likely be disappointed. If you are no longer attractive to your spouse, no amount of reasoning or excuses will change that you don't physically do it for him anymore. If the reason is medical, address it any way you can and get on the road to becoming sexy again. If you don't, you have no one to blame but yourself when your marriage becomes miserable and you get no physical intimacy.


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## turnera

So why do you men expect us to be okay with you gaining a foot-wide beer gut and still want to have sex with...that?


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## MsLonely

monahan_seth said:


> Before I go on, let me say that I love my wife more than anything and wouldn't dream of cheating on her or leaving her even if she ballooned up to 300 pounds. Having said that, my wife has put on around 40-50 pounds since we got married four years ago. To make things clear, she hasn't had a baby and she is only 27. She simply has gone into "I know that my man isn't going anywhere, so I can let go" mode. The problem is that she is now not my "type" anymore in terms of body type. I have absolutely no desire to see her naked and I have pretty much stopped initiating sex. We still have sex regularly, but she is almost always the one that initiates it. She is starting to catch on that I am not initiating sex anymore, so she is questioning me as to whether I think she is sexy or not, etc. I know that women have a need to be desired, and I would like nothing more than to satisfy this need. However, I am not a good actor/liar and whenever I try to initiate sex to make her happy (feel desired) it comes across as half-assed. I'll say it again, I love her more than anything, but men become "excited" with their eyes, not their hearts. I don't dare say that she has gotten too fat, as I have hinted with no success in the past (i.e., "why don't you exercise a bit...etc."), only to have her get defensive. What should I do?
> 
> 
> As a side note, we have a home gym, an exercise bike, and a Wii Fit (that she "HAD" to have in order to exercise). She simply doesn't use them even after I prod her a bit. I also have tried to get us to eat healthier, but she snacks after we eat our healthier meals.


LOL tell her to lose weights directly. It's for her own health. Don't beat around the bush. Tell her she's not your type anymore. She needs to take care of herself. Don't wait until she becomes 300 pounds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## savevsdeath

WakeUpC22 said:


> Wow. Some of you women are hopeless and I am going to side with the guys on this one.
> 
> You are all frankly way too emotional and need a reality slap. I told my SO that his morning breath distracts me during sex and immediately his routine is better than mine.
> 
> If he EVER told me that being thin is more attractive or he likes me to be toned, I will immediately lose weight and won't throw a *****fit because it's not personal. It's how we work.
> 
> What is it like to mate with a whale? Well we don't know and we shouldn't have an idea now should we?
> 
> Being shallow is just how human nature is but as a sign of respect for my partner I should be intensely concerned with what he wants from me as much as he is intensely concerned with what I want from him.
> 
> So for women who are overweight including myself, get off your princess pedestal and face the truth. You're fat. I don't care if you're only a little over the BMI, you're fat and look nothing like you used to. Life's tough and no one is there to go aww poor baby let me sit through that work out for you, your fat is your fat and just like no one is going to brush your teeth for you no one is going to take you through a work out routine.
> 
> My tip? Nothing is too hard if you put your mind to it. For me my weight gain was pregnancy as well as an infection. I know that when I count calories and eat more veggies my system will not defy nature and make me gain weight. Counting calories does work because it has a scientific basis. What doesn't work is crash dieting or those useless fads on tv.
> 
> Anyways, if you want to have enjoyable sex and outings being "shallow" or finding ways to be turned on by one another's presence is how that happens. Young or middle aged love and marriage is like that. Now with advanced ages the affects of getting old comes the wise, gentle love that comes only from...well getting old. Until then, you better believe that I care about my appearance and that I will be careful not to let myself go.
> 
> Lastly please spare me the women's right crap. This is not at all about real women's rights but about getting what you want with the most minimal of effort. And that's not feminism my dearsl but utter bull****. So stop crapping all over real feminism and look good for your spouse because that is being respectful to him and the relationship. You get all flabby and unattractive looking you better believe he has a right to complain as much as you can complain about his hygiene.
> 
> So drop that ego at the door and do 20. You need it because you should care more about his needs than your own lazy, princess attitude.


:iagree:

I wish i had another hand so i could give this post _three_ thumbs up. :smthumbup:




turnera said:


> So why do you men expect us to be okay with you gaining a foot-wide beer gut and still want to have sex with...that?


There is nothing cool about a guy letting himself go either, and nobody should stand for thier spouse being unattractive because of weight and refusing to do anything about it.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

How do you tell her - from a distance! :rofl::rofl::rofl:

At least my mood is getting better today.


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## newlystepmommed

A lot of good advice here. One in-particular. May be that she has some issues, inside that keeps her from following through on concern for her own health. It is kind of a catch 22, she sees you not showing affection in that area and then she feels worse. Not your fault, something else got her there. Is she stressed? Does she have issues with a friend or family member, maybe on your side of the family? Is your home a stressful environment? A lot of things can contribute to a woman's instability.. Chemically. We are more fragile then people think. One chemical imbalance and our whole system goes south. 
Support is the best thing you can give. Talk... communication is so important. Listen to her, it may help find the thing that is causing the issues of discontent. 
When a man loves a woman enough to do anything for her, nothing will stop him. She may not be physically attractive to you, but something besides her body called to you when you fell in love. Use that to help you through. She needs all of you, not just your desire for her body. She needs you to desire her completely. And show it.
Hope I helped!


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## Trenton

Mo, in your case I'd be honest with your wife for one particular reason, you are faithful and dedicated to the relationship. Your wife most likely is unhappy with her weight but has lost control. Tell her exactly what you typed here...she could have her vagina sewn shut and you'd still love her but you want her to lose the weight. You're supportive, caring and in love but want a happier marriage. Her losing weight will most likely create a happier her. Let her ooze her emotions on to you so she can gain the control back that was lost and resulted in the weight gain.


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## chefmaster

A lot of great answers and some reallllly humurous ones, soda almost came out my nose on one of em  so I thought I would try something different, though it doesn't actually answer the question you asked.

Pretend for a moment that you did tell her and you two fought and it got outta hand and you two split up. You wish her all the best and now you are single and looking again. You no longer have reason to care how she looks, it doesn't matter to you and couldn't anger you for the world.

There must have been things that attracted you to her to begin with, her hair, eyes, mouth, boobs, butt, legs, back, neck, whatever.

Now, go look at her(as a now single person and neutral party) and see what you find attractive about her. Check often. When you figure out what those things are buy her something that accentuates the things you find attractive.

Now I'm not saying not to take her health seriously or to overlook a problem in your marriaqe. What I am saying is before this thing snowball's out of control go make yourself happier with her and her happier with you, so the conversations about the tougher issues don't get blown too far out of proportion.


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## alaska_mama

Hi. I married my husband 6 years ago when I was 35 and a muscular 170# (at 5'10"). Now, at 41 and a kid later, I am fatter. I am 15-20# heavier. I can tell that he is not as attracted to me as he once was so I searched this topic and found this thread. 

The issue that I want to bring up is TIME. I belong to a book club that meets once a month. There are 9 of us and we are all 40-41 years old moms. There is a strict division between the fat and the slim: those who work full-time are fat and those who don't are slim. 

I work 8-12 hours a day, commute, get the kid from daycare, clean, cook, pay the bills (and all other paperwork), etc. If I sleep 6-8 hours a night, there simply isn't time to work out. If I work out 1-2x/week it is a miracle or it is doing a kid thing, such as sledding. 

While I am not a chicken and dry salad person, I eat well. I am not a fast food eater, I do not drink very much, no donuts or binges, etc. I know that food is not the problem -- in other words, I could not eat much better and sustain it over time. I need to exercise.

Frankly, I resent the fact that my husband puts so much emphasis on weight. I think that men can have a thin wife or they can have the extra income but only in rare circumstance can they have both. Part of me thinks that if he wants a thin wife, he can create the income for me to work fewer hours each week...

Is that terrible?


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## RandomDude

I still remember the last time the missus got fat I kept giving her crap (no I'm not saying you should do this though lol) until she got on the pole and lost all her weight so darn freakin' fast I got frightened -> because she did it all by herself. 

Later, she got on my ass, annoying me, giving me crap, making fun of me back and became like a slave driver to put on my muscle since I let myself go too when she did. I couldn't exactly say 'nah'. But she's a stronger sort then most women. Regardless she led by example and it ironically felt even more emasculating if I didn't work out for her.

The thing is, how about your own weight? Leading by example is a powerful and honest way to inspire anyone to do something. Once you're hot enough for other ladies to notice you (and have wifey see that), it'll push her off the lazy edge and make her realise that "uh-uh-uh... marriage ain't a time to let go, too many harpies!"


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## chillymorn

eveytime she comes in the room just say here comes tons of fun!


just joking folks.

tough one lots of good advice already given here.

be as sensitive and caring as you can but be as truthfull as you can also.

there some wisdome in finding her inner beauty as well. as i get older its more about attitude than looks. easy for me to say because my wife is still the same weight as before marriage.


but after 2 kids thing are less tone. at first this bothered me some. but have come to love her imperfections and even think they are sexy as hell. 


as long as she isn't so heavy thats its unhealthy you also have to be more realistic in yuor expectations on what a mature woman should look like.

ladies did you get that a healthy sexy attitude showing desire and wanting to please your man trumps all. now don't get me wrong he should also show you the same.

Its no fun banging a fat chick with a poor attitude about sex in gereral but I have dated some extreamly sexy girls who were a bit over weight but accepting and confident of their bodies and it was a real turn on.

maybe reajusting your veiw of what a mature woman looks like would help some not all women are going to stay thin as they age as long as there trying to be healthy thats all you can really ask for
good luck


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## turnera

alaska_mama said:


> Frankly, I resent the fact that my husband puts so much emphasis on weight. I think that men can have a thin wife or they can have the extra income but only in rare circumstance can they have both. Part of me thinks that if he wants a thin wife, he can create the income for me to work fewer hours each week...
> 
> Is that terrible?


Every time he makes a comment about your weight, pick up the child, carry the child to him, drop the child in his lap, and say "Great! I'm off to the gym! I want pork chops for dinner!"

And then GO!


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## e.p.

alaska_mama said:


> While I am not a chicken and dry salad person, I eat well. I am not a fast food eater, I do not drink very much, no donuts or binges, etc. I know that food is not the problem -- in other words, I could not eat much better and sustain it over time. I need to exercise.


It's not quality, it is quantity. If you eat less you will lose weight, if you eat more you will gain weight. So while you might be eating healthy, you might be eating too much to take off those 10-15 pounds. Even in the muscle community they say "abs are made in the kitchen". Your physique is 80% diet, 20% exercise. 



alaska_mama said:


> Frankly, I resent the fact that my husband puts so much emphasis on weight. I think that men can have a thin wife or they can have the extra income but only in rare circumstance can they have both. Part of me thinks that if he wants a thin wife, he can create the income for me to work fewer hours each week...


I'm a man, I work, commute, I am pursuing a PhD, play with the kids and do my fair share of the chores. I also watch the kids 4+ hours a week while my wife is pursuing her hobbies out of the home. And I manage to find an hour or two a day to work on myself; I cycle on Tuesdays and Thursdays and weight lift M/W/F. I also watch what I eat, again, you can do all the working out you want but if you overeat you will gain weight.

You have to make it a priority for YOU. For me, I make it a hobby. I'm in great shape, better than when I got married 8 years ago. 

Oddly enough, my wife is a stay-at-home mom and she has gained about 50 pounds over what she weighed on our wedding day, 8 years ago. In theory she should have time, right? Perhaps, but not the motivation...


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## that_girl

Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com

I've lost 38 pounds since January by using it.


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## that_girl

breeze said:


> More sex as my husband tells me, as often as possible, as strenuous as possible, will help shed those kilos


And be on top  Work those hips and butt. :smthumbup:


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## markgl

i've been married for 18 years and am in a similar situation. we have no children and we both work full time. at 44 i am very fit and make exercise a major priority. my wife is 40 lbs overweight and the past few years i have lost all physical attraction for her. she obviously gets her satisfaction from eating rather than through sex. i heard this it stated here before as "cheating on your husband with food". our life otherwise is good but we have evolved into basically a sexless marriage with her getting her needs met through food and me by my hand.


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## AbsolutelyFree

alaska_mama said:


> I think that men can have a thin wife or they can have the extra income but only in rare circumstance can they have both. Part of me thinks that if he wants a thin wife, he can create the income for me to work fewer hours each week...
> 
> Is that terrible?


I think you're really right about this. It's not fair to expect both, especially when children are involved and the woman handles the majority of housework, etc.

Truth be told, I'd rather take the first one! I would rather have an attractive wife than extra income.


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## turnera

I've always told my husband that I'd be thrilled to be model thin - all he has to do is make enough money so that I have 3 or 4 spare hours every day to stay at the gym. Which I would happily do, but is kinda hard to achieve when you're also expected to work a full-time job, wash clothes, cook dinner, clean, vacuum, do kids' homework/bath/bedtime every single night, and STILL be expected to be ready for him in the sack every time he wants it.


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## Runs like Dog

who cares? embrace your inner rhino.


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## tjlee

Deejo said:


> *Not on topic*
> 
> Health and fitness is a big deal to me. One of the biggest pieces of framing that discussion with anyone is eating habits.
> 
> For the most part, for many Americans, particularly young Americans, eating is an entirely passive process. There is no thought about 'what' goes into our mouths. We allow that do be dictated primarily by marketing and the media. Crappy food is cheaper than healthy food. Americans are far more sedentary as we move into the 21st century. From a health cost perspective, the figures are in the billions.
> 
> 1 in 3 U.S. children are now considered overweight or obese.
> 2 out of 3 adults in the U.S. are overweight or obese.
> 
> Dieting is never, ever, going to cut it. What you need to think in terms of, is changing the way you eat - for life.
> 
> Simple stuff?
> Cut out soda. If you drink 12 oz of soda a day, and swap it out for water, or carbonated water - you shed 15 pounds in a year.
> Eat an apple instead of a donut or bag of chips. Exponentially less calories, but will actually make you feel more full.
> 
> Just stop and think about what you are putting in your mouth. Add on top of that an extremely mild exercise routine - of say walking for 20 minutes a day and the results would be staggering.


I just want to add a few things to Deejo's suggestions.

1. Lose wheat = lose weight. Gluten coats the intestines, rots, causes inflammation, and sabotages out weight losing efforts. Anytime I am eating wheat or any kind of gluten, I gain about 10 lbs in a week. Then as soon as I stop eating it, it goes away. This is not for just gluten intolerant people...it's everyone. Try it.

2. Eat raw. I have been eating raw now for about a month and wow I feel good!!! You get all you need from raw fruits and veggies. I make smoothies to eat the right amounts of greens because, let's face it, no one can eat that many veggies and not get bored. I am not deficient in protein either. Raw food have tons of amino acids and that's what build muscle...not protein.

3. Stay away from acid-forming foods as much as possible. Any food that is alkaline forming, once in the body, is over all much much healthier. Acid forming foods will slow your health down and cause you to gain weight.

I can almost guarantee you that if you try one of these things, you will see a big difference in a month's time.

And DON'T MAKE THIS A DIET...make it a life change 

T


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## AbsolutelyFree

turnera said:


> I've always told my husband that I'd be thrilled to be model thin - all he has to do is make enough money so that I have 3 or 4 spare hours every day to stay at the gym. Which I would happily do, but is kinda hard to achieve when you're also expected to work a full-time job, wash clothes, cook dinner, clean, vacuum, do kids' homework/bath/bedtime every single night, and STILL be expected to be ready for him in the sack every time he wants it.



I'm curious though...How many women would accept that life if it were offered to them? One in which they would only have to work 20 or 30 hours a week or maybe not work at all, with the agreement that they would take a lot of time and money to look after their appearance -- Getting her hair done, clothes, gym memberships, etc.


At least from what I've read in several places, it seems that a lot of women find this idea really insulting and believe that it's degrading to expect a woman to focus on her appearance in place of a career.


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## turnera

Then you'd better know who you're marrying, I guess.


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## Runs like Dog

What does her mom look like? That's what she'll eventually look like.


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## desert-rose

How do you tell her? Gently, honestly, and directly!

My husband found himself in your position recently and hinted around the issue for months before he finally broke down and we ended up in a dreadful fight about it all that was preceded by months of bad sex life, unresolved tension, and lots of little fights that led to nowhere. I so deeply wish he had just stated the issue when it began to trouble him a lot in a direct, clear, and gentle way. I've since shed about 20lb, but it feels more like paying off a debt rather than like an accomplishment because of all the tension that came before it and because of all the hopes he put in those hints and indirect communicative measures. 

Don't be mean or nasty or cruel, just be direct and gentle. And, consider finding out why she has been gaining the weight. Is she depressed? Taking birth control? 

Does she just not see it? My Body Gallery is a great website which helps people see objectively what someone at a particular height or weight looks like and can facilitate the discussion. 

Also, if she starts losing weight to make herself more attractive to you, be really really encouraging and applaud her successes instead of criticizing how hard she is working to achieve the goal. 

Good Luck to you both!


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## Enginerd

In my case I did the wrong thing. My wife has put on 40 pounds since the wedding 18 years ago. She never recovered from her two pregnancies, but she never tried to lose it either. It turns out she REALLY doesn't like to exercise and she has a slow metabolism to boot. 

The reality is that it does affect our sex life and does affect my attraction to her. Overweight people do not have the mobility and energy of fit people. Lets face it, rolls of fat are not attractive on anyone. Ultimately, the extra weight changed the type of sex that she was capable of and affected her self esteem which in the end led to very little sex.

Eventually I became resentlful for her lack of effort and I began to criticize her eating habits and made little comments about her fitness. It clearly damaged our relationship further as I was feeding into an already weak self esteem.

I finally realized that I had been a jerk regardless of her situation and I didn't say word about for 4 years. Not one word. I tried to set a good example by following my own program and complimented her when she made an effort to look good. None of that worked. She is currently getting heavier due to menopause and still not trying to counter it. No change in eating habits and no desire to exercise. I now realize that she wasn't exercising when we met and I should have known that she wouldn't start after we were married. Someone here said look at the mother and boy is that accurate in my case. 

Here's the kicker. The only time she has lost weight is when we are apart. Occasionally, I have to take a two or three week business trip. When I'm gone she always seems to drop 10-15 pounds. I haven't been able to figure out exactly why this happens but most of the scenerios I come up with are not good. Apparently it's all my fault :scratchhead:


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## tryinghard11

Here's the cold, sad, hard bottom line. Some people will never ever, under any circumstances, adjust their diet and exorcise enough to lose weight. Despite the self esteem issues, health issues, limited supply of clothing in their size, lack of sexual desire from their spouse, fear of photographs, etc..., delicious food will always be more important to them than anything else. I've been with my wife for 5 years now, married almost a year, and she will drop hundreds of dollars on boxes of nutrisystem every now and then, never quite following the instructions, always cheating, sometimes working out a little, sometimes not at all, and I've tried every single method of helping her lose weight. She, herself, has said, at times, that she wants to lose the weight. But her actions always tell a different story. She hates controlling her portions. She hates anything that resembles exorcize. She makes me feel like I'm the worst husband in the world if the subject even comes up in any form. The only times she says she feels motivated enough to even attempt weight loss is when there's a wedding she may be in or things of that nature, but even then, she has never hit her goal weight of 50 lbs. of weight loss. It's gotten to the point that our marriage is suffering because of her weight issue and lack of effort. 
Now, before everyone jumps all over me, let me answer all the usual questions.
1. What kind of shape am I in? I'm in very good shape. One way or another, every day, I work up a sweat, weather it's at the gym for a couple hours or yard work or some kind of similar combo. I also eat very healthy for the most part. I'm not a crazy health nut, by any means, but I watch what I eat and try not to eat past the point of being stuffed. This should also answer the question, Do I lead by example?
2. Do I do anything to make it easier for my wife to lose weight and show that I support her? I, on many many occasions, will hard boil eggs, steam broccoli, portion out snacks, prepare a mug of coffee, etc... to help go along with the nutrisystem for the day. I also do all the dishes, most of the clothes, all of the yard work, a lot of the house cleaning, so she doesn't have to worry about that stuff.
3. Am I honest with her? I have been honest with her in every possible style you can imagine. I've hinted. I've tiptoed. I've walked on eggshells. I've been blunt. I've been gentle. All of it. The only result that ever comes from a discussion of the subject is defensiveness, excuses, and, ultimately, empty promises. I've even tried the "I'll just back away and not say anything" method, which still gets the same lack of results. 
4. Do I truly love my wife? Absolutely. She is one of the most kind, loving, funny, generous people you will ever meet. If personality got me sexually excited, I would not be posting here. And, despite what some people, especially women, may think, it is possible to be completely head over heals in love with someone and have no sexual desire for them. I am not at that extreme a point right now, but it's heading there. Whenever the subject of motivation to get in better shape, etc... comes up, the only things my wife lists are dresses to fit into for an event or things of that nature where other people's attention will be focused on her. As a side note, she untags every picture I try to post of her, because of her own issues with her weight. Not once have I or, less selfishly, our marriage ever been listed as a motivation for her. This kills me. It hurts and makes me angry and frustrated as hell. I have many reasons for working out and staying in shape and one of them is absolutely our relationship. I want to be sexually desirable to my wife. I want her to love the way I look. I think when two people pick eachother out of everyone in the world, they should do their best to reward eachother for that decision and give eachother as good a package as possible. I understand that, with time, looks fade, wrinkles form, etc..., but when you're young enough to do so, why not look good for eachother and not be afraid to wear a two piece bathing suit and know that other people are checking you Both out, but you're both taken
I'm posting here out of horrible and desperate frustration. I am hoping against hope that somehow my wife and I can get through this, but life is entirely too short to be miserable because someone you love refuses to acknowledge an issue and deal with it. I hope to convince her to go to marriage counseling with me, but so far she is against it. She feels the weight issue has nothing to do with me and I have absolutely no right to have any feelings on the subject and it shouldn't have any affect on me. Sorry, but it does.


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## turnera

tryinghard, get your wife some information from marriagebuilders.com about Emotional Needs. It discusses that each person's ENs are theirs, and they are valid. It says that Physical Attractiveness is a common top EN for men and that it's valid for them to have it. It points out that, when we marry, we have an obligation to try to meet our spouse's top ENs.


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## LovesHerMan

Trying:

This is so tough because the more you push her to lose weight, the more she is going to want to stuff a Twinkie in her face because she is insulted that you are trying to control something so personal as her eating.

She knows she needs to lose weight, but she just hasn't found the right approach yet.

She can't lose weight because she thinks that losing weight is hard. She needs to say over and over to herself that losing weight is easy. It's like a mantra, and her brain has to be convinced that she can do this.

She should also eat very slowly so that her body has time to get the message that she is full.

But how do you tell her these things? Say that you found this information from a co-worker or online, and you are going to try them for yourself. It is crucial that she doesn't feel you are attacking or belittling her.


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## turnera

Do you go on walks with her? Make the walking something pleasant, not a 'task' or 'work.' She walks with you, she gets you and your conversation.


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## Confused_and_bitter

My H was in your shoes last year. I also just had to have the Wii Fit but let it collect dust till he started playing it with me setting records and challenging me to top them. Once I started doing that I noticed how truly unhealthy I had let myself become and started diet and exercise on my own, now that I have been losing weight he constantly compliments me and encourages me to keep on going. He has also started to work out with me and go for walks too.


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## unbelievable

You don't tell her she's undesirable because it isn't true. You might find her undesirable but that doesn't mean the rest of the world does. Telling a woman that she's fat is a rookie mistake only a newlywed would make. Take her on looooooong romantic walks or loooooong romantic bike rides. She'll lose weight, probably lose some depression and quit eating as much. If you make it feel like a date she'll look forward to the outings and she won't feel like you're torturing her. Maybe you two could take a dance class. You're looking for something that keeps her moving, keeps her from eating, and keeps her having fun. If you tell her she's fat, she'll probably feel depressed and out comes the ice cream.


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## Therealbrighteyes

unbelievable said:


> You don't tell her she's undesirable because it isn't true. You might find her undesirable but that doesn't mean the rest of the world does. Telling a woman that she's fat is a rookie mistake only a newlywed would make. Take her on looooooong romantic walks or loooooong romantic bike rides. She'll lose weight, probably lose some depression and quit eating as much. If you make it feel like a date she'll look forward to the outings and she won't feel like you're torturing her. Maybe you two could take a dance class. You're looking for something that keeps her moving, keeps her from eating, and keeps her having fun. If you tell her she's fat, she'll probably feel depressed and out comes the ice cream.



This is very very good advice.


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## Just Dave

She's 300 lbs now and she put on 40-50 lbs from the time you married her four years ago. That means she was a sexy and trim 250-260 lbs at the time you saw her, fell in love and married her. And she's gained 10-12.5 lbs a year for each year you've been married. 

You're a guy so I know that you didn't marry her with the expectation that you could change her. Or that she would _want_ to change to make you happy. So what's really up? She was fat when you married her and now she's fatter. What did you think was going to happen?

Hardly anyone stays the same weight when they marry and as they get older. When you marry you naturally relax a little since you're no longer in the competition mode.


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## Open4it

Just Dave said:


> She's 300 lbs now and she put on 40-50 lbs from the time you married her four years ago. That means she was a sexy and trim 250-260 lbs at the time you saw her, fell in love and married her. And she's gained 10-12.5 lbs a year for each year you've been married.
> 
> You're a guy so I know that you didn't marry her with the expectation that you could change her. Or that she would _want_ to change to make you happy. So what's really up? She was fat when you married her and now she's fatter. What did you think was going to happen?
> 
> Hardly anyone stays the same weight when they marry and as they get older. When you marry you naturally relax a little since you're no longer in the competition mode.


He clarified in a later post that she was slim when he met her and had put weight on to her slim frame. 


> Sorry, I should have been more clear about this point as well. When we met, she was slim...not even close to overweight.


What he said was he wouldn't care *if* she got to 300 lbs, he'd still love her.

This is an old thread, btw.


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## alphaomega

Wow! I haven't had a twinky since college. Are they still terrible? Or do you still have to get out the bong to make them tasty?

Trying hard....

Therein lies some of the problem....

YOU do all this housework so she feels comfortable. She is comfortable. On the couch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega

Yeah. Old thread
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

alphaomega said:


> Wow! I haven't had a twinky since college.


And...if you FOUND one of those twinkies from college, they'd still be good to eat! :rofl:


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## Just Dave

Got it, sorry I misread his post... "even if she ballooned to 300lbs". Okay, that changes everything. Still we're only talking 10-12.5 lbs a year for the four years they've been married. This sounds like lifestyle to me. Beer, pizza, burgers and other types of fast foods instead of healthy home cooked meals. Where's he been? Was he not there watching her eat these things and even paying for them to boot?

If you don't want your woman to get fat then stop feeding her junk and giving her beer. Tell her that she is getting fat and it's got to stop. Good luck. She knows she's getting fat, but if you don't care neither will she.


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## bobdc

no!!!!

maybe you can tell her you want to be healthier? work on exercise and diet as a couple?


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## tryinghard11

unbelievable said:


> You don't tell her she's undesirable because it isn't true. You might find her undesirable but that doesn't mean the rest of the world does. Telling a woman that she's fat is a rookie mistake only a newlywed would make. Take her on looooooong romantic walks or loooooong romantic bike rides. She'll lose weight, probably lose some depression and quit eating as much. If you make it feel like a date she'll look forward to the outings and she won't feel like you're torturing her. Maybe you two could take a dance class. You're looking for something that keeps her moving, keeps her from eating, and keeps her having fun. If you tell her she's fat, she'll probably feel depressed and out comes the ice cream.


I don't tell her she's undesirable. But I do acknowledge that she's overweight and that it affects the way I respond to her physically and sexually. I realize that other people may feel differently, but guess what? She married me and I married her, so I don't care what other people think. This is about us and our marriage and her not finding physical chemistry important in our relationship. Period. You can make every excuse in the book to never try to be in shape, but it comes down to physical laziness and not caring and it's not fair. Sorry, but it's not. We've gone on walks. I've tried to get her to go the gym with me. I've tried doing it with her as a couple. She still cheats and still doesn't push herself, even on those occasions that she goes to the gym, etc... It comes down to the fact that it's not important to her and it is to me. I look at women that are in halfway decent shape, not even crazy shape or anything like that, and I find myself being very anxious and resentful and wishing against hope that my wife would give enough of a crap to put some kind of effort forth. But she never does and has now seemed to develop the classic, we're married now, so there's no need to try to be attractive anymore. In my opinion, being married is an important reason to be attractive to your spouse. I remain sad, frustrated, and angry.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

You don't need to exercise to lose weight, although it is important for health. I gained 30 pounds after breaking my neck and herniating 3 discs. I was a runner and running 36 miles a week. I love to exercise! I miss it terribly! In the last year I've really buckled down and started counting calories. It tough, but I lost 20 pounds. I'm still trying to lose those extra 10 pounds. I'm not toned like I was and it bothers me. My husband has never mentioned my weight gain. I have no idea how he felt about it.

Losing weight has to be done by self motivation. I don't think there is any way you can make her lose the weight. I've been big previously and gained 100 pounds with each three of my girls(I loved to eat). I lost all the weight through exercising afterwards. My first husband had a problem with my weight gain and was a huge jerk about it. He put me down left and right. I lost the weight after I left him. My current husband has never said a word about my weight gains and I lost the birth weight immediately. I also have a desire to be healthy. My husband is a triathlete and very thin. 

I hope your wife wakes up one day realizing how dangerous it is to continue to gain weight. Will power as a woman is sometimes hard to control. Be supportive with her and ask her to go for walks outside. Maybe that will motivate her to start exercising.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## annagarret

first of all, your feelings are right on. don't ever feel bad. when women feel great in their marriage they feel great all over. I am not saying this is your problem in any way, if you haven't already try to romance her. make her feel good about the relationship. ugh, this is so tough. in the mean time focus on the good in her. I recently lost a best girl friend to cancer and she was 41. she was overweight and her hubby took great care of her in hospice. they had 4 little ones. He would do anything for her to come back, fat and all........because he loved her heart and all she gave him


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## tryinghard11

I have always loved her heart and all she gives me. That has never changed and never will. And loving her heart is not the issue. It's a physical, health, motivation, and attraction issue. I will love my wife, no matter what weight she is. People are very quick to jump all over someone for wanting their partner to try and maintain some kind of physical fitness. Outsiders immediately jump to the conclusion that my love for my wife is measured and changes by how big or small she is. This is not the case at all. My love for her is unchanging, but my sexual desire for her changes as she puts on more weight or loses more weight. It's a very very simple formula. The more vibrant and physically fit she is, the more sexually desirable she is to me and the more weight she puts on, which inevitably leads to her hiding under her clothes, not letting me take any photos of her, jealousy issues, health issues, etc... makes me less sexually desiring of her. This does not make me shallow or a bad person. It simply is a fact of life. The fact that she isn't going to the gym, etc... is a result of her physical laziness. Plain and simple. This doesn't make her a bad person, but it does affect the way I respond to her sexually. And to me, sexual attraction is a very important part of a relationship. To her, it seems it is not. And that is killing me. I don't know how else to put it. She won't let me see her naked with the lights on and I'm her damn husband. How am I supposed to be happy and comfortable with her body, when she's so unhappy with her own body that she won't even let me see her naked?


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## chillymorn

listen you fat b*t*h lose some weight or I'm out of here.


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## turnera

Many people don't want to go to the gym. That's why it's up to YOU to start including activities in y'all's lives that include getting off the couch, which you will do TOGETHER.


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## scione

Fat chicks need love too.


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## Laurae1967

unbelievable said:


> You don't tell her she's undesirable because it isn't true. You might find her undesirable but that doesn't mean the rest of the world does. Telling a woman that she's fat is a rookie mistake only a newlywed would make. Take her on looooooong romantic walks or loooooong romantic bike rides. She'll lose weight, probably lose some depression and quit eating as much. If you make it feel like a date she'll look forward to the outings and she won't feel like you're torturing her. Maybe you two could take a dance class. You're looking for something that keeps her moving, keeps her from eating, and keeps her having fun. If you tell her she's fat, she'll probably feel depressed and out comes the ice cream.


BINGO! Any guy that thinks telling his wife she's too fat to be attractive to him is going to have a very unhappy marriage in the long run. The woman gets defensive, feels depressed and gross (on top of what she already feels) and it becomes a downward spiral.

And for the guys who say they "try so hard" to get their wives to lose weight....well, that's the problem. That type of controlling attitude only makes it HARDER for a woman to lose weight.

The best thing to do is learn to love and accept your wife for who she is, not what she looks like, and she'll probably stop overeating at some point. But if you try to fake it and wait it out, she will know that you are just bullsh!tting her and it will cause problems.

Most people who are overweight are not lazy. They are not deliberating letting themselves go and those ignorant attitudes litter these boards and most women will pick up on that in their husband. They are eating for emotional reasons, because of depression, stress, unfulfilled expectations in the marriage, inability to put themselves first (to exercise, cook the food they want to eat which is often healthier), etc. The more you try to control your wife's weight, the more she will rebel and dig her heels in.


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## Laurae1967

The only other comment I will make is this - where the hell did everyone get the idea that every frickin' need/desire/wish would be fulfilled by their spouse? It doesn't work that way. We NEVER get 100% of what we want....ever. Sometimes the sense of entitlement I see on here gets to me, like people are put on this earth to serve the needs of their spouse. Geez. Try to be happy with what you DO have from time to time....it really contributes to happiness.


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## Laurae1967

annagarret said:


> first of all, your feelings are right on. don't ever feel bad. when women feel great in their marriage they feel great all over. I am not saying this is your problem in any way, if you haven't already try to romance her. make her feel good about the relationship. ugh, this is so tough. in the mean time focus on the good in her. I recently lost a best girl friend to cancer and she was 41. she was overweight and her hubby took great care of her in hospice. they had 4 little ones. He would do anything for her to come back, fat and all........because he loved her heart and all she gave him


THIS....:smthumbup:


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## Laurae1967

tryinghard11 said:


> She won't let me see her naked with the lights on and I'm her damn husband. How am I supposed to be happy and comfortable with her body, when she's so unhappy with her own body that she won't even let me see her naked?


Hey Einstein....she doesn't feel comfortable having you see her naked because she knows you don't find her attractive. Doh!:rofl: If you can't understand that than you don't know much about the average woman.


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## Runs like Dog

I was at Walmart yesterday and saw a bunch of people who's doctor must be a zoo vet. Pretty awesome.


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## annagarret

Laurae1967 said:


> The only other comment I will make is this - where the hell did everyone get the idea that every frickin' need/desire/wish would be fulfilled by their spouse? It doesn't work that way. We NEVER get 100% of what we want....ever. Sometimes the sense of entitlement I see on here gets to me, like people are put on this earth to serve the needs of their spouse. Geez. Try to be happy with what you DO have from time to time....it really contributes to happiness.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## annagarret

chillymorn said:


> listen you fat b*t*h lose some weight or I'm out of here.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## tryinghard11

Laurae1967 said:


> Hey Einstein....she doesn't feel comfortable having you see her naked because she knows you don't find her attractive. Doh!:rofl: If you can't understand that than you don't know much about the average woman.


She didn't let me see her naked long before the subject even came up, but thanks for pretending to know anything about my relationship other than what I've posted about. Some of you have no problem telling the husband that it's up to him to figure out some kind of miracle sensitive way to get your wife to be healthier without actually being honest about it at all. "Hey, I want US to be healthy. Perhaps we could go for a walk, if that's okay with you. Etc..." The bottom line is the only reason we, as husbands get involved in what you like to call a "controlling" manner is because the wife has become lazy and let herself go. Sorry, but that's the truth. The ultimate goal isn't just to have you're wife weigh less, it's also to have her be healthier and have more self confidence. A lot of people like to ignore those aspects and boil it down to "the guy is an ******* for wanting his wife to be thinner." If a wife has some kind of need or issue with a husband, no one has a problem with her being completely upfront and honest about it and a good husband should address those needs and concerns, which I do on a regular basis, because I care. Women are always complaining that they wish men would be more honest and open about their feelings, but the minute they are honest, they're an *******. You ask your husband if your jeans make you look fat, etc... You really want the honest answer? Ask any guy who's given an honest answer in that kind of situation where maybe the wife didn't look that great in the jeans, or maybe the jeans weren't the problem. He learns pretty quick to lie and say she looks great or he's in the doghouse all the time. So, if you ladies really want us to be honest about everything, stop training us to lie with your reactions. You have to take the pleasant honest answers along with the unpleasant ones. You always here the stories of husbands that leave their wives and it always seems to come out of the blue with the wife saying, I wish he would have told me how he was feeling and we could have worked on it, but when we do tell you how we're feeling and you don't like it, you punish us. Just something to think about. Everyone's responsible for their own actions, period. A guy shouldn't have to lie or try to find a way to trick his wife into losing weight and being healthier. She should do this on her own, as an adult, but some people would rather be lazy and get defensive if the subject ever comes up, and so the problem continues. So, I can either bottle up my feelings and be secretly miserable and worry about the upcoming health issues my wife will develop from being overweight and miss out on all kinds of activities with her that she cuts herself off from because of her own body issues and be considered a great husband or I could actually try and confront the issue as best I can because I care and be considered a shallow *******. That's fair, right?


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## turnera

The only way to have a decent marriage is to be able to be completely honest with each other. If you can't be honest, you aren't going to be happy anyway. Just tell the truth; how she handles it is HER business.


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## Runs like Dog

The thrill of victory the agony of being hit in the face with a waffle iron....

"Do you think I'm getting heavy dear?"

"No honey I love it when you eclipse the sun"


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## larry.gray

Runs like Dog said:


> I was at Walmart yesterday and saw a bunch of people who's doctor must be a zoo vet. Pretty awesome.


Walmart is great for food shopping. I see these people and lose all desire to purchase junk food.


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## brokenandempty

Be upfront and honest, directly tell her that you love her but you miss the woman she was and that you found so desirable. Let her know that you are concerned for her health and happiness as well and be supportive and encouraging all the time!! As she makes progress, go out of your way to compliment and reinforce her efforts. Increase the frequency of your sex life as she starts to lose weight, incentives work! Once you show her she is really turning you on again, she will hopefully have the want to maintain and look good for you. Too many people relax and get too comfortable, start wearing sweat pants, no makeup, because they have the prize. And at the same time, make sure you are keeping yourself and your appearance up too!! Always act as if you are still dating and strive to keep up the appearance and attitudes that started the fire in the beginning. Good Luck!!:smthumbup:


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## SoWhat

Laurae1967 said:


> The best thing to do is learn to love and accept your wife for who she is, not what she looks like, and she'll probably stop overeating at some point. But if you try to fake it and wait it out, she will know that you are just bullsh!tting her and it will cause problems.
> 
> .


He said he loves her. 
He said he wasn't attracted to her excess weight. 

You can say "she'll probably stop overeating at some point" but inertia (and statistics) makes me doubt this.

People take such offense to these sorts of threads. Why is it bad for us to ask our spouses/SOs to do what they can to stay attractive? Or healthy? 

FASTSTATS - Overweight Prevalence

That should scare us to death!!


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## memyselfandi

This post seems a little shallow to be honest. How much time do you spend with your wife? Is she depressed? Possibly bored that she's eating like she is?

Do you work alot? Does she spend a lot of time at home alone?

I tend to agree with crazedteacher as it's not easy when you hate the way you look and know that your spouse hates it even more than you do. It takes months and months to lose the weight it took you years to put on..and knowing someone is no longer attracted to you..it's just plain depressing and makes matters worse.

There's a great free website out there called LoseIt!! (loseit.com) and it's free. Might be encouraging for your wife as all you do is put in your current height and weight and how much you want to lose. It then gives you the amount of calories you can eat per day for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. All you do is keep a diary of everything you eat and the calories count down.

It really teaches you how to eat healthier!! In addition, you get bonus calories for exercise and it has an area to record how much weight you've lost. You get badges for reaching certain goals.

You might suggest this to her..but in the meantime, it might help you to love her for the person she is rather than concentrating on the weight she's gained.

You married her for better or worse..promised to grow old with her, etc. That meant loving her though weight gains, hairs growing out of all sorts of strange places, etc. It meant that she promised to love you too when you're hairline recedes, when you're got hair in all sorts of places you never did before, etc.

Stay married long enough and you'll learn to appreciate her more as you'll start to find things about your body that aren't so..um..wonderful either.


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## Shooboomafoo

I watched and pursued intimately my wife when her weight soared, and then helped her cook the protein for her diets, changed my eating habits to coincide with a healthier menu, and did many things to love and support her. Im just the type to be able to see past that weight thing, but there were times it put a damper on things. She was actually just a cold woman looking for any excuse to remain that way. Until of course, her old high school boyfriend contacted her on FB. Then it was a new woman!


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## lady1

Whatever you do, don't tell your wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable! It will not help her or you, and will only make her feel bad and insecure. And I doubt it will encourage her to exercise. She should feel good about getting healthy - instead only working out because she feels bad and is afraid of loosing you or something (which could also cause her to stress eat?).

I think it would be much better if you tried to start doing healthy activities together that would encourage weight loss. Go on walks together, or start doing a sport together, or go to the gym together. Make it about doing things together, not about you wanting her to be more sexually desirable. 

If you want to talk to her, try approaching it from the position that you would like it if you BOTH got healthier, and that would would love to try to work together on healthier eating habits and getting more exercise. 

If none of that works, bring up her weight in terms of the health aspects. You love her, I assume you want her to be healthy and spend a nice life together even more than your frustration you have in the bedroom. Do not put the focus on how you think she looks. Go at it from a place of caring about her, and wanting the best life together, for as long as possible - and that means being healthy together.


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