# Why Cant she apologize..FOR ANYTHING?!?!



## TSD (Feb 28, 2011)

I appreciate this may have been answered a million times before...but i need someone to tell me im in the right...As sadly im starting to question myself.

And also Just for the Record, I love her Dearly...Its why im on here and i havent left her...

From the top.......My Partner and i Enjoy a fantastic relationship...shes everything i could ever want and need in a woman and then some..
But whenever we argue we Never seem to Truly resolve things...Ill bring up an issue or a problem and she simply goes quiet....theres no communication and she'll just ****** off for the rest of the night...and not apologize or even attempt to talk about it..

For example..Last night she went out (Which i have no problem against) And i was just asking what had gone on and if she'd seen anyone interesting...Now i knew she'd seen a couple of my friends (Which again..im honestly not bothered about) and i had asked her if she'd seen them..Now instead of yeah blah blah blah.....I got " No i havent seen them i never even knew they were around.." Not ONLY that..She couldnt even have the decency to Lie properly! and it took 12 hours to get it out of her...And now its an issue for me since ive had such a rough past ( Cheated on twice in a relationship where i was taken for a fool)...But she wont apologize for it and wont reassure me we'll be ok.....Its really upset me this time and i dont know how to go about doing this...

Now the kicker is that her parents have never resolved things and i think its attached to that, Her dad has some sort of mental issue and is always never in the wrong...maybe shes been affected by it?....This has been for 26years and shes experienced it all her life....But my family had roughly he same problem but it didnt affect me..But then again im much tougher than she is given what ive been through...

Please guys...i just need some direction..I really dont know what im doing here...and ive done nothing but do the best for her...


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Never cheated, so I can't relate to that, but I have been in the wrong... reasons didn't say I'm sorry?

No one like admitting they are wrong... DUH that's the easy one...

Full of resentment and almost feel like "well now ya know how I feel!!!!" and want to make sure that's not forgotten.

Hate to look weak (women aren't supposed to do that)

Women are more expressive about their feelings so take men's for granted since we don't see them as much and don't realize that you hurt... maybe my experience only there, but it is what it is (not saying it's right, just what it is)

Not sorry I did it, since it inadvertently got even for something he did and didn't know what he was saying sorry for other than it got him good sex (if I bought it or gave up trying to get a real apology)

In your case.... She is truly hurt by what she did, can't stand to think about it, and apologizing makes you REALLY think about it, admit it, then go into self loathing about it so you avoid what will get you to self hate as much as you can...

Thinking in my case that lots of times it's the self hate issue.... don't want to be that person, don't want to think about that I was that person, can't stand myself for it! don't want to dredge up feeling that will take me back to that... angry at myself (and since was probably angry at him at the time I did (whatever) I don't want to go back to that either.

Not sure any of that helps, but just trying to think about things I could have apologized for and did, and trying to figure the reasons I didn't. Been thinking on that lately and I have yet to come to terms with it all myself (not cheating, but other stuff). Cheating is a huge one, and I can't relate to it.


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## TSD (Feb 28, 2011)

The only way i can relate to cheating is being on the receiving end of it all...i know the hurt and pain it causes and id never wish it upon anyone..

I think your right in the sense of...Apologizing means thinking about it and then you get depressed...However id understand if she didnt want to apologize because id use it against her...but i dont even do that...I even asked if ive ever put a foot wrong and she said no before i could even finish. and like i was saying to my mum she can talk to me about anything...

Im Genuinely hung up about this..To such an extent that i just asked my mum about the men are from mars women are from venus book she has...And ive spent all night questioning myself....which really isnt good.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

TSD said:


> The only way i can relate to cheating is being on the receiving end of it all...i know the hurt and pain it causes and id never wish it upon anyone..
> 
> I think your right in the sense of...Apologizing means thinking about it and then you get depressed...However id understand if she didnt want to apologize because id use it against her...but i dont even do that...I even asked if ive ever put a foot wrong and she said no before i could even finish. and like i was saying to my mum she can talk to me about anything...
> 
> Im Genuinely hung up about this..To such an extent that i just asked my mum about the men are from mars women are from venus book she has...And ive spent all night questioning myself....which really isnt good.


Her guilt may be overwhelming, and just bringing it up, to HER, feels like you either ARE holding it over her head, or will. She feels (guessing) like the game is fixed, she can't win (and SHE is the one who fixed the game against herself). Again, just guessing here, I don't think I have ever done anything that can equate to cheating, nothing THAT monumental to apologize for, could be wrong but... 

Think back and try to figure if whe tried to SHOW you she is sorry despite not being able to SAY it.... maybe she tried to put that out there non-verbally. Can you find a way to feel she is sorry without hearing the words?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Just a thought. In the past, I found myself occasionally lying about little things to my husband simply for the fact that I couldn't trust that he would understand, would support me, wouldn't yell at me, wouldn't institute the "freeze out," etc. In other words, I had very little faith that I could trust him to behave in a mature and loving way...I was selling him short based on past behavior and that really wasn't fair to him. 

Instead of allowing him the opportunity to support me and react like my husband, I would hide things from him and when he did find out, his reaction was probably worse than it would have been had I been upfront in the first place.

I had to have "faith" and "trust" that he would support me and still LOVE ME, no matter what I did and what I said. This was hard and I'm still working on it.

But maybe your wife has the same problem...a lack of trust and faith that you will support her and still love her no matter what.

Look at your reaction to things she tells you or reveals to you - is there a reason that she may lack the trust and faith to come to you with ANYTHING?

Have you made it "safe" for her so that she still feels love and not judged by what she says and does - can she be totally open, no matter what and count on you (to her)?


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## TSD (Feb 28, 2011)

Thats a Really good point, Id never seen it in that Light before, The other bit is that she's so incredibly defensive and she tried to argue back when i brought it up. but when she came home she came to bed straight away saying nothing...But when i asked for a hug to show her i wasnt mad with her anymore she said..." only if you want one" 

Is that her basically asking if i still want her..and possibly an apology in a sense??...she does worry alot about me leaving...she seems to think im a catch for most women but im perfectly happy with her...

I think the men are from mars women are from venus book will Help a little!

(Thankyou for replying btw, Your sheding light on this alot for me)


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## TSD (Feb 28, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Just a thought. In the past, I found myself occasionally lying about little things to my husband simply for the fact that I couldn't trust that he would understand, would support me, wouldn't yell at me, wouldn't institute the "freeze out," etc. In other words, I had very little faith that I could trust him to behave in a mature and loving way...I was selling him short based on past behavior and that really wasn't fair to him.
> 
> Instead of allowing him the opportunity to support me and react like my husband, I would hide things from him and when he did find out, his reaction was probably worse than it would have been had I been upfront in the first place.
> 
> ...


Another excellent point.

I do fear she maybe selling me very short...i know men can absolute C***s but i pride myself on not being in that category..and i do my best to make sure i NEVER turn into my dad..Basically a huuuge cheater!

She should be able to come to me whenever, i tell her everyday that she can come tome and talk to me no matter what the issue and ill support her as much as i can and love her no less than the day i met her. im worried partially that its down to the previous relationships she's had. especially her Ex whom of which ive had to take to the cleaners in order to teach him that threatening her isnt the way forward..

Gods honest truth...Id Do anything for my woman. shes my pride and joy...and the love of my life. and i never forget to tell her...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Apologizing isn't something expected merely of the guilty. It's the way civilized people acknowledge that they have caused another pain (intentionaly or otherwise). It's a way civilized people resolve conflicts and it's a sign of maturity and decent upbringing. Those who never apologize aren't perfect, just self-centered and insecure. Somewhere around age 3, most of us learn we are not the center of the universe. Sadly, some among us never learn that lesson.


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## TSD (Feb 28, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Apologizing isn't something expected merely of the guilty. It's the way civilized people acknowledge that they have caused another pain (intentionaly or otherwise). It's a way civilized people resolve conflicts and it's a sign of maturity and decent upbringing. Those who never apologize aren't perfect, just self-centered and insecure. Somewhere around age 3, most of us learn we are not the center of the universe. Sadly, some among us never learn that lesson.


I thought that at first. however...shes been brought up in a household where arguments are never resolved...you just walk out and come back later, but to me thats no way of fixing problems....an apology is like you said acknowledgment that you were hurtful and it wont happen again....but i dont get that from her..

(Thanks for all the points aswell guys this is really helping get it off my chest a bit)


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Some people don't actually feel remorse for anything. The old "Look what you made me do to you!!!" response.


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## TSD (Feb 28, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Some people don't actually feel remorse for anything. The old "Look what you made me do to you!!!" response.


And if thats the case...Then ill place an apple in her mouth and my boot up her arse and she'll be gone before she can say..."But Baby"


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

TSD said:


> and like i was saying to my mum she can talk to me about anything...
> 
> Im Genuinely hung up about this..To such an extent that i just asked my mum about the men are from mars women are from venus book she has...And ive spent all night questioning myself....which really isnt good.


This raises a huge red flag to me, and would make me not want to apologize or even talk to you. You go and talk to your mum about her? I am guessing that is why she doesn't talk. Sharing your relationship with your family always makes the spouse uncomfortable and can cause a wedge to come between you.


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## TSD (Feb 28, 2011)

DawnD said:


> This raises a huge red flag to me, and would make me not want to apologize or even talk to you. You go and talk to your mum about her? I am guessing that is why she doesn't talk. Sharing your relationship with your family always makes the spouse uncomfortable and can cause a wedge to come between you.


ive only ever asked for advice...not to moan or anything, She lives over 200 miles away from me and doesnt really hold grudges against people. 

But it too is a good point....but on the other hand...she doesnt know ive said anything to my mother


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

TSD said:


> Another excellent point.
> 
> I do fear she maybe selling me very short...i know men can absolute C***s but i pride myself on not being in that category..and i do my best to make sure i NEVER turn into my dad..Basically a huuuge cheater!
> 
> ...


I don't doubt that you have told her she can come to you - but maybe SHE doesn't feel safe to do so. It may have actually nothing to do with you, but issues in her past, previous experience with other men that have let her down when she came to them and they were not there for her, it could be anything.

I've been there and am still working through it. I think part of my issue is even though I know my husband loves me, part of me doesn't "really" believe it and that if I disappoint him or show him WHO I truly am, he might not love me anymore. I've never really believed that I was good enough for him and that when he figured it out, he'd be outta here. Know that none of that makes sense - but it does to me.

Perhaps your wife is in the same place and really doesn't even know how to express it. And yes, she is selling you short - but there might be a hidden issue that she hasn't dealt with that tells her it's easier to hide things and not tell the truth, then to tell the truth and disappoint you. She may have the same fear.


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## TSD (Feb 28, 2011)

So this makes it even better...now shes decided after she asked me to stay home for her just to go out instead as she's going out too...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

TSD said:


> ive only ever asked for advice...not to moan or anything, She lives over 200 miles away from me and doesnt really hold grudges against people.
> 
> But it too is a good point....but on the other hand...she doesnt know ive said anything to my mother


 Either way, I don't see that as a healthy way to deal with your marriage, running to your mom (even on the phone) and seeking anything about YOUR relationship. How will your mom know your wife's love language? She won't. She will only know her own. How will your mom be able to look at your relationship without bias towards her son, to truly help you? 

I do have a question though. Do you make your wife pay for your past relationships in regards to cheating? You said you were insecure, but that is YOUR problem. Has she ever cheated on you?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

It could be a lot deeper than just not being able to tell the truth or getting defensive when caught - there could be a serious self-esteem issue at play here.

Don't just count her out as a "liar." Sometimes our deep, hidden issues can manifest themselves in some ways that are not understandable to others.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Either way, I don't see that as a healthy way to deal with your marriage, running to your mom (even on the phone) and seeking anything about YOUR relationship. How will your mom know your wife's love language? She won't. She will only know her own. How will your mom be able to look at your relationship without bias towards her son, to truly help you?
> 
> I do have a question though. Do you make your wife pay for your past relationships in regards to cheating? You said you were insecure, but that is YOUR problem. Has she ever cheated on you?


Maybe his mom is the ONLY person she feels really listens to her without judging her.

I have that type of relationship with my mom. I know that I can tell her anything (good or bad) and she never judges me - she loves me unconditionally - I feel safe that whatever I say or have done, it WON'T change her love for me.

Maybe his wife feels that way about his mother, but doesn't feel that way about him, for reasons she won't discuss with him, or reasons she hasn't even figured out for herself.


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## TSD (Feb 28, 2011)

Well exactly, Ive moved around alot i dont really have the friendships youve all built up through living in the same area's all your lives, 

I never make her pay for my past relationships and ive treat her lhow i want to be treat....I think now shes just trying to make me hurt for what shes done.

yeah...im insecure...but i dont push it upon her...

i just dont understand it all...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Maybe his mom is the ONLY person she feels really listens to her without judging her.
> 
> I have that type of relationship with my mom. I know that I can tell her anything (good or bad) and she never judges me - she loves me unconditionally - I feel safe that whatever I say or have done, it WON'T change her love for me.
> 
> Maybe his wife feels that way about his mother, but doesn't feel that way about him, for reasons she won't discuss with him, or reasons she hasn't even figured out for herself.


 I don't know what you are talking about. HE is talking to him mom about his wife, which very well could be unhelpful. Of course you can talk to someone who doesn't judge you, but when you go to your parent to talk about your spouse, that can be a very dangerous road to take.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

DawnD said:


> I don't know what you are talking about. HE is talking to him mom about his wife, which very well could be unhelpful. Of course you can talk to someone who doesn't judge you, but when you go to your parent to talk about your spouse, that can be a very dangerous road to take.


Okay, calm down. I thought he said that SHE was talking to HIS mom. Perhaps I had too much kool-aid this morning.

I don't have issues with talking to my mom about my husband, she doesn't judge and she's not the type to pit one against the other, regardless if I'm her daughter. Guess it depends on the mom. Some mom's might take it personal and develop a deep hatred for the spouse who is hurting her "little boy." 

Because they're always your "little boy" - mine is 28 and he'll be my little boy until the day he dies!


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