# making this a learning experience...advice?!?



## lenak10

I am looking for some wise advice. I am in a situation, and I am not sure how it will all work out, but no matter what happens, I want this to be a learning experience for me, so that I can be a better person at the end of it no matter the outcome. Here it is:

My fiance and I have just separated. We have been together 5 years, engaged for one year. He began feeling panicky, depressed, and anxious, worried that maybe this relationship is not right. We have never had problems in our relationship and I was totally blown away by this. He states he has only had these doubts for the past month or two. After this all occurred, he found out that his parents have just decided to divorce. He is shocked by this news. He feels extremely emotionally unstable right now, and is very confused, and has no idea what he wants in life right now. To me, he seems almost jaded by the idea that true love and good relationships never last. I want to be here for him. I want to work through this and communicate and stay together. However, he tends to have trouble discussing problems that are bothering him, which I have always known about him. We do not really know where we stand right now, or what will happen.

I am unsure what to do because I feel like there is nothing I actually can do. Initially, I was very emotional, said things in ways I know I should not have, but have apologized. I am now trying to be mature, be less emotional when we talk. I am trying to avoid blaming him for anything, but some days I feel like he is just standing in his own way, running away from the problems. I am not really mad, and I forgive him...I wish that I could help him more. But, I also don't want to be stupid and hang on if there is nothing to hang on to...

I do not know what to do. Stay strong, support him, and just wait.....or if he is like this right now, will he be like this forever if we do stay together? Do I need to move on? I love him very much, and he tells me he still loves me. 

Any advice on how to make a long - lasting relationship work? I know all relationships can be hard at times, and I feel like our issues are not deal-breakers.

If we do not end up together it will break my heart...however, I know I need to be strong, and if nothing else, I want to become a better person at the end of this.


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## unbelievable

Lenak,

If you two don't end up together, it will hurt bad for a while but you will get over it and you will probably end up with someone you feel even stronger about. Your happiness or value doesn't hinge on any guy.
Based on years of making goofy mistakes and seeing others make them, I'd say the best way to have a long lasting relationship is to start out with a decent partner. Avoid partners with addictions, serious psych issues, serious character defects (dishonesty, violence, lack of respect), etc. Pick someone basically content with who they are and who's values pretty much mirror yours. 
Be the sort of person that deserves to be loved and respected and then expect your partner to treat you in that manner. Avoid latching on to a dysfunctional person with the notion that you are going to "love" them into normalcy. Once you find a decent partner or prospective partner, treat them honorably and with respect. Don't take them or the relationship for granted. Don't accept abuse but don't expect perfection, either. Be slow to anger and quick to forgive. 
I have made the mistake of trying to play the role of the knight who rescues damsels in distress (dysfunctional types). If you want to rescue people, donate to a charitable foundation. Don't marry them. People will show you early what they are. Believe them. If a person lies, they are dishonest. If they hit, they are violent. If they manipulate, they are controlling. Believe them the first time and don't listen to lame excuses.


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## lenak10

I appreciate your positive words. However, I think maybe I made things unclear in my original post. My fiance is a wonderful man! He has treated me like gold, he treats his friends and his family with nothing but love and respect. He is open minded and appreciates all people. He has never had any problems with abuse, alcohol, mental issues..nothing. NEVER controlling. We share many of the same values in life and socially. 

It has only been in the past month now that he has been having these concerns/issues. I guess this is partly why this is all so confusing. He tells me that he honestly whole-heartedly wanted to be married to me just a month or two ago. Then, all of a sudden, he began feeling depressed and anxious and panicky about it. Now, he has no clue what he wants. He doesn't want to be with other people, but does not know if this is because he wants to be with me, or because he is just unstable right now. He has not really given me much hope to hold on to... a little....but not much. We have recognized a few issues in our relationship (such as speaking up when things make us unhappy, and making sure we compromise evenly) but he does not seem to feel like these are things we can work on. He says things like "this could be the biggest mistake of my life, but I feel like I won't know unless I am on my own for awhile". Right now we are separated, but not completely broken up. 

I guess nobody ever told me life was easy....


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## HappyHer

Intimacy issues can crop up at the most inconvenient times. He's scared and obviously unstable. Will he agree to couples counseling to help work through this? Otherwise, it might turn into a "Can't live with you, can't live without" push and pull that will leave you feeling like a yo-yo.


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## lenak10

I mentioned either the both of us or just him going to speak with a professional, and he was not liking the idea. I mentioned it twice, but did not push it. I feel like if someone is forced into counseling, it's not gonna work anyway! He won't really talk to anybody about the situation. His family and friends who know about it only have a general idea of the situation and pretty much just say "we are here for you, call if you need to talk". He has only one friend who he has talked a little more in depth about it to, and this friend is also currently going through a divorce. But he never seems like he wants to talk to ME about it.....at least not in too much depth or for too long. 

So anyway, I don't think counseling will happen....


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