# How to Break it to Husband?...



## Midnight7 (Aug 30, 2012)

My husband & I were high school sweethearts and we got married the same month that I turned 20. I was told by everyone that we would change drastically during this period in our young lives & to not get married, but we didn't listen. Now I'm almost 22 & a senior in college, & I realize that they were right. I know that my husband still loves me very much & will be absolutely devastated when I ask him for a divorce, but it has been weighing on me for over a year & I know that it's ultimately the right decision. He's really an amazing person & I don't want to lose him as a friend, although that will probably be the case. Does anyone have any advice on how to come out and tell him? I've been putting this off for several months & have been going through some depression because I know that this will cause major pain not only for him, but for our families as well. I've never felt so alone in my life & I don't know who to turn to...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is there someone else you are now more attracted to?

What is missing in your relationship now that makes you want to leave it?


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## Midnight7 (Aug 30, 2012)

I've been with him since I was 13 & have never been dependent on myself. I'm graduating next spring, & I should feel excited, but the truth is that I've never felt so trapped. This may sound selfish, but I just want to live my own life. I'm starting to feel like I have no say in my life; like it's being planned out for me. He & his family have no problem telling me what age we're going to have kids, where we're going to live, & how our lives are going to go. We work very opposite schedules so I never see him, & when I do, we're always doing our own thing. I also live 45 miles away from my friends & where I go to school/work, and the loneliness from not having people besides him in my life is starting to take its toll. Honestly, I don't even miss him when I don't see him for several days. When I look at him, I don't see the man I married or the future father of my children. I only see the roommate that I'm best friends with. I guess I just grew up, figured out what I wanted in life, & fell out of love with my childhood sweetheart.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I really suggest you do not make such descions like throwing away your marriage while you have such other big things going on.

School is super stressful, you two not seeing each other for quality time is hurting you, the big change of graduating and moving into a career.

Right now you are feeling trapped but you might find that once things move ahead that you feel the connection returning.

Have the two of you tried to connect and grow together? What I mean is a couple of things.

1. Read His needs, Her needs. Identify and Learn what each of you wants and needs out of any relationship.

2. Marriage is really hard. Especially decision making. There are communications methods that successful marriage adopt to helpthrm compromise and to trust and support each other in making decisions without feeling you are trapped.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I agree with Shaggy, you've both been overwhelmed for a good while. Don't make this decision without some insight and a bit of effort to see what happened. Read "His Needs, Her Needs" and see what has happened to you and how to move forward. Give it a try, it's only a bit of reading. 

Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I guess I just grew up, figured out what I wanted in life


You obviously have done neither.

Marriage is not a joke. Time for you to wake up to that reality.

You know what's even less of a joke? Divorce.

Divorce is a very painful process and should only be used as a last resort in cases of abuse or infidelity.

I have a hard time believing you're not attracted to some other person at this point. Please be honest on this forum. It's all anonymous, so there's no reason to hide facts.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

How are you going to feel if after the divorce, you see him with another woman hanging o his arm, with a glow and twinkle in her eye. And he has a big smile on his face and you realize all the sudden you've made a terrible mistake?


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I agree, this seems like it's likely about another man. If your husband is this great, amazing guy it seems either you're not being honest and he's done stuff to really damage the unity or you're really into someone else. 

He will be with someone else and have kids, live a life and be happy. If you think you'd be cool seeing him fulfilled without you then by all means go ahead. Just remember that divorce isn't breaking up, it's a long damaging process. It's not even just once it's over, the process itself is horrible.

I will say being very close in age to you that being on the brink of divorce, when I was feeling like you were, I never felt so horrible. I can only liken it to a death in the family but living that each and every day as you go through having someone ripped from your life. It's not a lightly made choice and it's one that you can't causually commit to. This will destroy his life as he knows it and likely will be years in repair. He may never get over it, and just as important you may later have deep scarred behavior/feelings that aren't so easily healed. 

Just my thoughts but be careful how you proceed, it's an awful business and traumatic experience for all involved.


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## Lifeisnotsogood2 (Sep 1, 2012)

You will lose him as a friend, but this is the start of your life. A decision like this should be made sooner rather than later.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I think many successful long term marriages have started out hot and then almost collapsed on the brink but rather than bolting one or both spouses decided that there was no reason there marriage had to be a barrier to happiness and committed to actually work on it rather than let the ups and downs shake them out of the relationship - and in those cases I think the other marriage partner was also mature enough to realize the opportunity as well.

If this man was good enough to marry in the first place he certainly can be good enough to change along with the changing phases of life. Life throws us for a loop throughout our lifetime, and many it seems just think the marriage is dead weight and discard it at every turn rather than what they signed up for (ballast to keep them upright and pointed in the right direction to make it through rough seas).

Go ahead and throw away the dead weight, but it gets you no further ahead for anything you want in life (unless of course as others have pointed out the thing you want is a relationship with someone else instead).


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## falconrap (Aug 25, 2012)

I'm on the husband end of this. My wife, for whom I have been working overdrive to change for and try to get her started on the 5 Love Languages, with the intent to move to His Needs, Her Needs, finally admitted that she had communication with her ex-bo from High School. This guy dumped her. Married another. And now that marriage is supposedly on the rocks and he looks to be available soon or already is. She thinks only he can make her happy and nothing I do can make her happy with me...but she still loves me. I have always been there for her. I have never laid a hand in vain on her (only the good hand laying!). I've always tried to be kind to her and generally never yelled at her (the rare time was generally a quick snap back because she was raising her voice at me for some stupid little thing). Yet, even today, I went with her to the emergency room to check something that could have been life threatening, but thankfully wasn't. I have poured my heart and soul into her, yet she still refuses to budge.

Take it from me...this WILL devastate him. He will go through the tremendous pain I am experiencing. It will not be good. Marriage works if both of you just sit down and be honest about your needs and find out which love language you speak so you both know how to communicate your love for each other. Thankfully, you don't have kids. I have a 7 and 3 year old that she plans to take up north with her once she divorces me. People throw away their partners and marriages WAY too easily these days. So be sure you know what the outcome is going to be, because it won't be all roses.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

marriage is a serious as it gets and i would hate to see you throw it away like that. My parents got married soon as they turned 18, despite what everyone in their families told them and it has worked out well for close to 35 years, so it is possible.

I would recommend finishing college, settling in to a real life situation minus the stress to college, which is far from real life. Also, have you mentioned any of this to him? maybe he doesnt even know youre upset, chances are if he and his parents realized they were "controling" your life and your future and that it was bothering you they might back off. often parents just like to be involved, as they get older try and relive their youthful days through their children. (same reason some parents get way to excited about their kids prom, football games, etc...)

To me it sounds like you need to tell your inlaws to back off, find some hobbies outside of the house, try and make some friends and have atleast one night a week out with friend or doing some activity. It sounds like you care about him, hes a great friend and has great qualities its really just other aspects, outside of your marriage thats messing with your marriage. You really need to sit down and talk with him, if he loves you he will work through it will you or even stop smothering you and controlling your life and give you the space you need to be the person you want to be.


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