# Wife not happy - wants seperation - need advice.



## troubledd (Sep 29, 2010)

Hi my wife of 15 years just blindsided me with the fact that she is no longer happy and hasn't been for some time now. In retrospect, I should have seen this coming. She found religion, lost weight and starting staying away from the house until 8 or 9pm with her "church family." She is also younger than I am by 9 years so full of engergy which is great. But she has left raising our 8 year old to me completely and more or less hangs out with our 15 year old as a friend. 

I have been in a stooper because of the stress of running a business and some minor medical concerns and I agree I was not responsive for the last year and tried pushing everyone away. I just did not expect this to happen and was nieve about it ever happening to me.

I grew increasingly cruious because I caught her getting out of facebook pages when I entered the room and I would come downstairs and find her on the phone and hanging up quickly early in the morning. I kept hearing a particular name come up over and over at the church, a man who happened to also be the one that helped "convert" her to christianity. I confronted her with this and she said it was an emotional and not a physical affair. However, she continued to persist that it was our relationship that was the problem and she still wanted to move out. I am not a jealous person and don't like feeling jealous. 

I convinced her that we should spend more time together and that she should not keep up the phone calling. She agreed but I discovered a week later, through her phone logs that she was doing just that for at least a couple of hours per day. I had a very bad reaction to this and I told her to leave and I then exposed the relationship to some members of the church as I felt this was completely inappropriate. 

This seemed to help temporarily as the shock of not being able to live at home was a fright and we agreed to try to work on it while giving her space. That was short lived however and she is now working on moving out so it seems a matter of convenience for her. 

Not sure what to do from here. The other guy is more or less still in the background but I believe that it's cooled down for now due to the exposure embarrasment and some words from the church pastor. I've been trying to show her all the attention she has been craving but its apparent, as I seem from other posts, this is generally too little too late. I did get the ILYBNILWY speech and that she was also very angry that I exposed the relationship to her church family, not that she did it. 

I feel that this is a lost cause but I then read similar stories and am encouraged. If it takes a separation then fine but the concern of another man makes me feel it will lead to no good. We communication very well and give and receive affection but no sex. I am trying to avoid completely pressing her on her feelings as I'm sure I know the answer but I am also in a very ackward position. I can't move forward and I can't be happy. I think she's just going through the motions right now waiting for the right time to strike out on her own and she has said as much about a week ago. 

Lately she will meet me for lunch and accepts notes from me and seems genuinely appreciative but still will give me the "you are living in a dream world." type attitude.

Am I done here. Please advise.


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## troubledd (Sep 29, 2010)

I should add that we have had a very loving relationship in the past. And try as I might, I cannot be mad with her. It's just been too good for too long and I can't help but think this is just a bump in the road. But I'm getting some fairly strong final signals from her even though we continue to hang out and carry on like everything is normal for now. The undercurrent is a sunami however.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

how could the church people doing affair... man, they are lucifer in the church and hope someday they will die inside the church with their genital broken..

do not give her space but leave her and you go on with your own life.


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## troubledd (Sep 29, 2010)

This was what amazed me as well. It was definitely the wrong place for me to have to worry about what was happening while my wife was away from the home. I feel this person took advantage of someone in a vulnerable state and used scripture to turn her mind. I had no choice but to expose it because it was so shocking. My wife claims that she was not taken advantage of and that it was her that was seeking but it could not happen without the cooperation of two individuals.

My first inclination is to do as you suggest and I did a few weeks ago but I immediately regreted it and wanted to have her available to work things out. This is a problem however as it appears she respects me even less and I'm causing her to want to leave even more. I will have to be happy with the fact that she may have a full blown relationship with someone else and that may happen regardless so I have to consider that as well.

Where I'm not sure how to proceed is on pressing her for an answer now. We seem to be at a point where we might be able to work on our feelings and actually promote a positive change. I don't feel like less communication is better however. It doesn't resolve anything. But it also doesn't resolve anything if she's already feeling like she has decided in one direction and any further pressing reaffirms that position. I am truly stuck. Just going day by day attending to her needs and making sure we enjoy our time together as much as possible.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

hi troubledd...

apologize for my previous post which was rude. 

i think, you should ask her once more if she really wants a separation. if she says yes, then you should move out and tell her that this is what her wants and you will accept this. 
converted to be christian and maybe she thinks that the man is the great person by doing this to her. but this is not the right reason that she will build an affair and leave her husband. as for the man, he is very opportunist. i do noot know which of the verse in Bible allows this.

i wish you could do the best talking with her and speak very calmly about what is her certain plan. let her have the ball.

P.S: ask her about what is the sanctity of marriage. does Bible provide the verse for this.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

lobokies said:


> hi troubledd...
> 
> 
> 
> i think, you should ask her once more if she really wants a separation. if she says yes, then you should move out and tell her that this is what her wants and you will accept this.


If she wants a separation, tell her SHE should move out, you keep the home and primary custody of your child. She can find a way to afford living away from you. Its her affair, do not finance it or make it easy for her.


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## MJUltra (Sep 28, 2010)

You have to figure out what the church membership is doing for her. Meaning, it's obviously filling some void that she perceives, and in the process, giving her someone else to latch on to. My wife gave me a similar speech, although without the church connection (just replace church with work and friends there) and I am also unsure how to react. 

It is a very hard balance of trying to stay close, to show you care, yet not be a doormat or act like you are totally oblivious to reality. Have you tried counseling?


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## troubledd (Sep 29, 2010)

I helped her launch her own business and she suddenly felt trapped and unloved. She found that love at the church - in more ways than one. I was wondering about asking her about counseling. I heard the success rate is not high.


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## troubledd (Sep 29, 2010)

So, we've had a lot more communication about this now. She definitely wants to move out and actually regrets not doing it sooner as she feels like she needs to avoid me and is hurting my feelings. This makes me feel like she has all the power in the relationship and I am a child being "handled." I think that what I should do is emotionally unplug for now and that scares me. I can't do it 100% but I can pull out my emotional investment a bit. I've done nothing to make myself wanted by her and that is definitely not helping. I look desparate and I am. But I'm also getting completely burnt out. I am tired of getting beat up and tired of taking care of our children while she is gone from sun up to sun down at work, sports, bible study, church, friends, family etc etc etc. I am taking care of the household and trying to maintain a business. It's killing me. So I'm afraid I'm just getting worn down too.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

no worries man, this is not the end of the world.
people who ignore the sanctity of marriage will receive the reward in the future. i have so many evidence from people surrounding me. the cheating spouse will regret at the end and they will know that there is no real love in cheating and having affair. how could you love by betraying this is not categorized as real love.

we are with you troubled. we will support you on every phase of this problem.

lot of joy and smile will be with you.


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## troubledd (Sep 29, 2010)

Okay wife moved out yesterday. Took 15 year old daughter and left 8 year old son. First day she came back in the morning to help with the 8 year old and it was definitely ackward especially after moving her stuff out. I almost felt like she was unwelcome. But I got over that feeling quickly and huged and kissed her. My son was upset and angry and that is why I was upset. I felt like he was thrust into this unfairly. My wife called me later that day and said she was having huge remorse and wanted to seek counseling after a weeks time. Counseling for herself and the both of us. I agreed and I've been trying to stay close to her helping her do things in her new place and assist where I can. I respect the sanctity of her space and leave after about an hour or two. I wanted to make sure our 8 year old understood where mom was and didn't feel abandoned. 

Question is now do I completely leave her alone or continue to call text etc?


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## troubledd (Sep 29, 2010)

I've never felt more alone in my life. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I had lunch with her today and she was still talking like she is confused and "broken." Then in the car, I gave her a love note and asked her to please come back. She said she was miserable for so long that she can't rush back. She's now in shut down mode and won't call me back this afternoon.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I recommend the hard to get approach. She is in the fog of an affair and is playing both sides of the fence. Let her know You can no longer see her or talk to her and that you will use a family member to cordinate visitation. 
You are caught up in her rollercoaster ride of fantasy. I think that a no contact letter explaining why you can no long be hurt by her and that the door will always be open if she will commit 110% and stop all contact with OM. Those are YOUR boundries and dont let in.

I hear time and time again how spouses can go for months with the emotional roller coaster of the wayward spouse's indicision and the pain they go though. I say except the reality that your wife is hurting you one way or another, it my as well be on your terms. I see how the loyal spouse has good day and bad day every time they interact with the wayward spouse. It never changes so force the change or move on with out her. 
Think about contacting family, friend, and chuch and send them the same letter " I'm in to much pain in trying to repair the marriage and until my wife stops all contact with OM I will no longer speak to or see her"
By the way, I would be concerned about the 15 year old. Have you done a back round check on the OM. (He is not the most moral of man)


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## troubledd (Sep 29, 2010)

I wondered about having my 15 year old (or my 8 year old) around any OM. The one that was involved in the incident is described as a religious zelot and writes scripture on his arms. He has been divorced twice and lost custody of his own children due to this zelotous nature. So yes, I'm concerned about this. 

I've been communicating almost daily now with spouse and have to observe certain communication boundries. Can't bring up reconciliation or love or commitment. Although she does say she loves me, it sure doesn't feel like it when she's living somewhere else. 

Problem I see with cutting off all communication is that this is what she was complaining about to begin with. If I give her more of what she was missing, then it's rubbing salt in the wound. I agree I shouldn't look so available so that she can continue her behavior but I did tell her unequivocly that I will not stand for any more infidelity, physical or otherwise. Of course, I have no way of verifying this. 

I'm looking for a conuselor now as she did bring up this idea after the first day of being moved out. We just spoke about it today but she's being very independent minded. But she does want counseling for herself and then us together. 

Should I just continue on? Should I cut her off beyond counseling (doesn't feel right to me). Should I force a confrontation about any OM?


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