# Trickle Truth



## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

I am looking for experiances from those who have had affairs and how the trickle truth comes out after D-Day. I have conversed with a few others but would really like to know how long it took you tell the whole story? Did your spouse have to dig it out of you? Why didn't you tell the whole truth right away. Thanks


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

This was one of the things I did right. When I confessed - I confessed it all. I have a saying that the first bad news is the best bad news. I knew that "trickle truth" (didn't know that term on D day) was the absolute worst thing I could do so once I opened the gates I let it all out. 

I think this is one of the things that really helped my wife. She never found out anything else later because there was nothing else to find. My stories and answers never changed because they were the truth. If I could pound any one thing into a confessing cheaters head it would be to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but. 

Lost, I know that's not helpful to your question but there are some of us, although rare, who do give the whole truth when it comes to the surface.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> This was one of the things I did right. When I confessed - I confessed it all. I have a saying that the first bad news is the best bad news. I knew that "trickle truth" (didn't know that term on D day) was the absolute worst thing I could do so once I opened the gates I let it all out.
> 
> I think this is one of the things that really helped my wife. She never found out anything else later because there was nothing else to find. My stories and answers never changed because they were the truth. If I could pound any one thing into a confessing cheaters head it would be to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but.
> 
> Lost, I know that's not helpful to your question but there are some of us, although rare, who do give the whole truth when it comes to the surface.


I hope others read what you just said. It was probably one of the smartest moves you made in just letting it all out. Getting things in pieces just drains a person. It's frustrating. Plus I cannot think of any reason to not do it except for selfishness. I know from some responses it is difficult to hurt your spouse with the details but honestly i would love to hear the details of everything. At least when you hear the bad stuff you know its the truth.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Just like Sigma. When I was caught, the flood gates opened all the way.

I know a few others here have stated that they wish never didn't know all of the details, because it might have saved the marriage.

My wife refuses to talk about it if it involved me mentioning the OW in any way. Hard not to. I didn't have an EA with myself.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Just like Sigma. When I was caught, the flood gates opened all the way.
> 
> I know a few others here have stated that they wish never didn't know all of the details, because it might have saved the marriage.
> 
> My wife refuses to talk about it if it involved me mentioning the OW in any way. Hard not to. I didn't have an EA with myself.


I am not one to really stick my head in the sand. I like to deal with things right away. I am also not a patient person. My wife knows this and its one of her pet pieve's. This makes it even worse for me.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm not judging at all. Just letting you know what others have posted. You need to do what works best for you.

I'm not patient either.

You may benefit from thinking about where you want to spend your energy. On fixing the marriage, or looking for more pain points. You have plenty to cause recurring pain now. 

I don't know since I was the cheater, but at some point you need to shift over to fixing your marriage. The pain will be there with little or no effort. Fixing the marriage takes much more effort. Again, I don't know if this is a good thing to say or not. Just a thought.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I'm not judging at all. Just letting you know what others have posted. You need to do what works best for you.
> 
> I'm not patient either.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't say its bad advice at all. I have given that a lot of thought also. Thanks!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I've never been in your shoes. But I've learned over time that life is nothing but daily choices. And the older we get, the less time we have to enjoy those good choices since time seems go quicker when we are happy, and drag on when we aren't.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I've never been in your shoes. But I've learned over time that life is nothing but daily choices. And the older we get, the less time we have to enjoy those good choices since time seems go quicker when we are happy, and drag on when we aren't.


Totally understand! Not as easy as i thought though. Ridiculous isn't it.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You're asking me that question? I'm just a dumba$$ trying to dig my way out of a hole. The harder I dig, the deeper it gets. And I can't figure out why.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I did a lot of "trickle truth" at the beginning. My husband is not very patient either. 

I didn't want him knowing everything all at once because I was afraid of his reaction. I knew he was already in a rage at the time, and I didn't want it to get worse. I'm really an avoiding type of person, and that's my big issue. So little bits of info would come out and he would always tell me "I know there's more", and that was because I was giving the info in drabs. So yeah, big mistake, because even now, he thinks there is more info. I also didn't want to make him feel worse, but in effect it did....yeah crazy thinking back then.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

working_together said:


> I did a lot of "trickle truth" at the beginning. My husband is not very patient either.
> 
> I didn't want him knowing everything all at once because I was afraid of his reaction. I knew he was already in a rage at the time, and I didn't want it to get worse. I'm really an avoiding type of person, and that's my big issue. So little bits of info would come out and he would always tell me "I know there's more", and that was because I was giving the info in drabs. So yeah, big mistake, because even now, he thinks there is more info. I also didn't want to make him feel worse, but in effect it did....yeah crazy thinking back then.


Working togethers response is almost exactly how my wife is progressing with things. She do is an avoider. I asked her if she would want to know everything if the tables were turned and she said probably not. She says she does not like to hear hurtful things. I think this plays into her responses to me as she may be using the way she would like to be told compared to how i would like it.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I was afraid of hurting him. Twisted, considering what I did. when we first sat down and I started telling, I didn't really know what to tell. I didn't know what he wanted to know, how much he wanted to know, if he wanted details or not. There was, of course, the embarrassment factor as well and I don't think there is any cheater that sits down and brags about their deeds, enjoying to recall every detail (okay, maybe there is). I never mentioned the fatherfigure/mentor, I didn't consider him either the affair or part of the affair. What i told was about the OM. Then hubby found out about the fatherfigure/mentor and to him that turned into a second simultaneous affair that I tried to hide. Big mistake, I should have included that too whether I thought it was important or not. Ultimately, it has lead my husband to believe that there is always going to be more, which has lead him to obsess about snopping and he admitted to putting together stories about third and fourth affairs that turned out to be complete nonsense. I wish nothing more than to go back in time and tell it all, important or not because now that there is nothing left to tell, I can't put his mind at ease.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> Working togethers response is almost exactly how my wife is progressing with things. She do is an avoider. I asked her if she would want to know everything if the tables were turned and she said probably not. She says she does not like to hear hurtful things. I think this plays into her responses to me as she may be using the way she would like to be told compared to how i would like it.


Totally me! I would not want to hear juicy details simply because I would not want to see the pictures in my mind. My main concern and my biggest question would be: Do you still love me? Do you want to save this marriage? If both answers would be yes then I would ask to sit down and figure out how to accomplish it. This is me saying this without having been in those shoes. I "think" this is what I would say/do but I don't know if that's how I would react if faced with the situation.
I need to understand why so I can figure out how to prevent it from happening again.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> Totally me! I would not want to hear juicy details simply because I would not want to see the pictures in my mind. My main concern and my biggest question would be: Do you still love me? Do you want to save this marriage? If both answers would be yes then I would ask to sit down and figure out how to accomplish it. This is me saying this without having been in those shoes. I "think" this is what I would say/do but I don't know if that's how I would react if faced with the situation.
> I need to understand why so I can figure out how to prevent it from happening again.


I could copy the language i wrote about working together and put right here. I can say i have told my wife i love her and want the marriage to work. Where i get held up is on the trickle talk and when i fill in the blanks. It can become very consuming and take away emotional energy i wish i was putting back into my marriage. its very tough to move on almost starting a new marriage when you feel your old marriage issues are not being resolved.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Can you work with the fact that the reason why you get the trickle talk is because she's afraid to hurt you as opposed to thinking trickle talk is because there is still something going on?
And maybe tell her that so that she might feel more comfortable about telling ALL at once instead of piece by piece? It might take her some time to work up the courage but if it helps in the end, it might be worth a try.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

one of the first things I told my wife when we started to R was that she needed to tell me everything all at once. She stated that she didn't want to hurt me like you state 40+ but I simply told her that she already hurt me and by concealing anything that I find out down the line will be hurting me all over again and it was best to put it all out there now.

Now be honest with yourself- is it that you don't want to hurt your spouse with the truth or is it the fear that the truth will cause your spouse to leave you? I really think it's more the latter in most cases.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> I could copy the language i wrote about working together and put right here. I can say i have told my wife i love her and want the marriage to work. Where i get held up is on the trickle talk and when i fill in the blanks. It can become very consuming and take away emotional energy i wish i was putting back into my marriage. its very tough to move on almost starting a new marriage when you feel your old marriage issues are not being resolved.


This cannot be short circuited. You can't just move past it to work on the marriage. It is working on the marriage to lay these issues to rest early. I am still having a hard time two years down because he kept rug sweeping. I was not told about the true extent of his relationship with the OW for nearly a year post d-day. When he tells me he loves me now, I think about how long he lied to me.True or not, I think that he chose someone else over me and kept me in the dark about it to cover his a$$. If he had just been honest with me from the start, I could have respected him so much more. He talks to me about a "new marriage" too. The problem with that is that I wanted the marriage that I thought I had, the one that he changed forever without my consent. I advise you to be honest from the start; don't hold anything back that she wants to know. Don't try to manipulate her reactions or try to do damage control. These actions just make you look like a weasel.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> one of the first things I told my wife when we started to R was that she needed to tell me everything all at once. She stated that she didn't want to hurt me like you state 40+ but I simply told her that she already hurt me and by concealing anything that I find out down the line will be hurting me all over again and it was best to put it all out there now.
> 
> Now be honest with yourself- is it that you don't want to hurt your spouse with the truth or is it the fear that the truth will cause your spouse to leave you? I really think it's more the latter in most cases.


The fear that the spouse will leave is the main reason why cheaters don't turn themselves in. Having said that, I think for most people this fear is so large and threatening, they use trickle truth to test the waters. Is he really going to stay with me even if .....? 

Yes, there's also the embarrassment factor. I told my husband I sent the OM photos of me. He goes: what kind of photos? Me: naked photos. He: what kind of naked? Me: silent

Totally embarassed because as he asks me to describe the naked photos I sent to the OM, I'm thinking of how I used to send my husband these type of photos, knowing he must be thinking the same thing and how much that must hurt and how I could freaking do this to him.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

All this brings up a question I've been meaning to ask for a few days now: Is there a 180 for the cheaters and if there is not, should there be one?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the 180 is for the betrayed to detach enough to see what is best for them since they are now empowered to realize that they will be fine by themselves if their spouse doesnt do what is necessary to make things right. The wayward in a sense has already detached, thus a 180 would usually serve to feed into their own selfishness and add some cruelty to the mix. If you ask me the best "180" for a wayward is NC with the AP. It detaches them from their affair partner to see things more clearly and bring themselves out of the fog. They can hopefully then see the wake of destruction that their actions have caused and how much they justified their own affair.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> the 180 is for the betrayed to detach enough to see what is best for them since they are now empowered to realize that they will be fine by themselves if their spouse doesnt do what is necessary to make things right. The wayward in a sense has already detached, thus a 180 would usually serve to feed into their own selfishness and add some cruelty to the mix. If you ask me the best "180" for a wayward is NC with the AP. It detaches them from their affair partner to see things more clearly and bring themselves out of the fog. They can hopefully then see the wake of destruction that their actions have caused and how much they justified their own affair.


Write it up in a list like the 180 and call it something else. I'm almost want to say what's good for the goose is good for the gander - meaning if a 180 for the betrayed helps them through the mess, then a 180 for cheaters helps the cheater as well, to avoid trickle truth, to avoid seeing their own pain instead of their husband, to guide them in transparency.

And I think you should write it up!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

lost2011 said:


> Working togethers response is almost exactly how my wife is progressing with things. She do is an avoider. I asked her if she would want to know everything if the tables were turned and she said probably not. She says she does not like to hear hurtful things. I think this plays into her responses to me as she may be using the way she would like to be told compared to how i would like it.


Exactly....I told my husband that I would not want to hear the details, meet ups etc. I would only want to know if he loved her. My husband had a couple of ONS early in our relationship, and I did not ask any details, only if he was done doing that crap. But for some it's a necessity.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> The fear that the spouse will leave is the main reason why cheaters don't turn themselves in.


I actually think this is the second reason cheaters give trickle truth. I think the first is simply facing the enormity of what they've done and not really being able to wrap their heads around it as the pieces of the affair world are falling out of the sky and hitting them on the head. Most confessions aren't planned so the cheating spouse has no chance to prepare. They are normally caught totally off guard by a spouse who is completely sideways and wanting answers right NOW!! I think being slapped in the face with reality that hard just sends most of cheaters immediately into damage control/self defense while we try to stop the room from spinning. Of course once the confession has started down the damage control/trickle truth path it's hard to get off it because now you know that your loyal spouse is going to pissed that you cheated on them and pissed even more that you didn't tell them the whole truth. Thus the very long and painful spiral of the loyal spouse having to mine every bit of info instead of just being given the courtesy of the whole truth in one blow.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I totally see that too. I felt like I didn't even know where to start and I think I actually said it. So is avoiding the trickle truth something that happens by chance when you sort of accidently tell it all in one single answer?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It wasn't for me. For me it was a very intentional and deliberate thing but I had about 15 minutes between when my wife picked up my phone and when I had to start explaining to get myself ready. 

That was both an incredibly long and incredibly short 15 minutes.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> Can you work with the fact that the reason why you get the trickle talk is because she's afraid to hurt you as opposed to thinking trickle talk is because there is still something going on?
> And maybe tell her that so that she might feel more comfortable about telling ALL at once instead of piece by piece? It might take her some time to work up the courage but if it helps in the end, it might be worth a try.


I have thought of that but almost feel like i have begged and pleaded with her trying to convince her of that. I've said in other responses i am not a patient person. It just seems to take so long.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Has her story changed? Was it more than the texting?


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Has her story changed? Was it more than the texting?


some of it is questionable and doesnt quite add up but she has answered a lot the same.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think cheaters also try to keep the memories and the acts with the AP safe and precious between the two of them. They see it as a private affair only they and AP share. Not to mention they are betraying the AP by telling details.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Not to mention they are betraying the AP by telling details.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hadn't thought of that - there's something to that...


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I think cheaters also try to keep the memories and the acts with the AP safe and precious between the two of them. They see it as a private affair only they and AP share. Not to mention they are betraying the AP by telling details.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're right. My wife said that during her affair it was like she and the OM were sharing a special knowledge or secret from the rest of the world. Said it was a very difficult thing to give up...but thankfully she did.


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