# Wife filed for divorce - question about stages



## philjohnson (Nov 3, 2010)

Hi all,

In late 2010, my wife of 21 years wanted to separate and left me. I had it coming. As a result I experienced the most intense pain of my life. Her leaving stirred up feelings and emotions from my past in a way that overwhelmed me. I cried out of the depths of my soul and experienced tremendous grief. It was truly the pit of despair. While it was a separation, it FELT like a divorce to me. I wasn't sure she would ever return and I went through withdrawal. It was awful.

As I began to become stronger in who I was, the pain dissipated. I have tried everything I can to reconcile this marriage, but to no avail. 

Today she presented me with papers and told me she is done. 

I am familiar with the five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. 

I have experienced all of these to some degree during the separation period. I denied that the marriage would end, I have been extremely angry at her, I've bargained to save the marriage, I've experienced depression and I've found some sense of peace in the person I am becoming through this process.

My question is, how much of this will I revisit now that she is officially terminating the marriage? I had always had hope that we would reconcile, but this seals the deal. Is the deep pain going to hit me all over again or has the work I've done helped prepare me to navigate this with less emotional swings?

I can't imagine this not being intensely difficult. But tonight I am just kind of numb. 

PJ


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

I am sorry you find yourself here with the rest of us. I can only speak from my own experience, you go through all the stages and then go back through them again. They last a shorter time each time, but they persist for a while. Now, a year after the "I love you but not in love withyou" speech, I have some good hours and even occasionally a good day. It does get better. DOn't think I will ever get over the leaving completely but I am better and I am a better person now. Keep in touch


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