# Seeking Courage- long



## BeingStrong (Jun 27, 2012)

I am 43 and have been married for 13 years, we've been together for 18. I met him young, at 24 but we didn't get married until just before my 30th birthday. It doesn't seem young, but to me it was. We had fun in the beginning, he introduced me to a more active lifestyle than I was used to and his life was more stable than I was used to. I realize now that is why I was attracted to him, or at least to his lifestyle. I abandoned who I was and melded into his life. It didn't take long before that grew old. His "stable" family turned out to be far more dysfunctional than my own wacky and unique family, who it turns out is quite stable. We see things from complete opposite perspectives and it has come to the point where I just don't like my husband. I have no desire to be with him, physically or emotionally. I don't view him as a friend that I can turn to in times of need. It should have been a red flag when in the beginning, we worked opposite shifts and I enjoyed not seeing him for the week, and only having the weekends together. But we don't always acknowledge the red flags when we should. 
I am always striving to make a better life for myself. If things are not going as I like, I try to figure out to make it better. This has been most prevalent in my career. I left a well-paying career a few years ago to pursue my passion. I have spent many years in and out of school to get here and to me, that is the sacrifice that was necessary to make the life I want. My husband sees it as being "flaky" or always "wasting my money on school I don't use". If I don't like something, I change it. If my husband doesn't like something, he just complains. He believes that you get a job, and keep it the rest of your life, you buy a house and stay in it the rest of your life, you get married and stay married the rest of your life. That all sounds nice and stable, but he (and his family) will do this in lieu of happiness. I'm not down with that philosophy. He also acts as though all of this (job, home, marriage) will remain in perfect condition without any effort on his part. It should just happen. He calls our house a "crap shack" but is unwilling to put any time, money or energy into fixing what needs to be fixed. I take care of most everything, either doing the repairs or finding someone do to them. 
When I try to discuss something with him, he gets defensive, throws the blame back at me, or goes off on irrational/unrelated tangents. I'm non-confrontational and he is (when he gets to a breaking point), quite confrontational. Most other times, he's passive-aggressive. His family tends to not listen when tempers get high, they yell/rant until they feel they've gotten out what they want to say, but there is rarely any actual resolution or back-and-forth discussion. We've had only a few fights and when he gets mad, I tend to shut down and can say nothing at all. We have no communication when things are serious.
I have wanted to leave for years now, but in the last year it's finally gotten to the point where I can't even stand to be around him. I keep myself busy with activities so I'm home as little as possible. I was seeing a therapist and when I said I felt like things were not good between us and wanted him to go to the therapist with me, he kept asking why he had to go and no matter how I phrased it, he kept asking why he had to go. Not even saying "because I am asking you to, because I want you to" worked. It basically came down to that I was unhappy, so it was my issue, not his. He claimed he was fine, so it wasn't his problem. But he said this with little eye contact with me and with an edge to his voice. At that point I gave up and starting living my life for me only. 
We've slept in separate beds for over a year and a half now and I love having my own space. I have rented a storage unit and have started to move my personal items that I don't want to lose (photo albums, mementos, etc). I have started to gather financial data for the divorce process. I am down to actually saying "I don't love you and I'm moving out" and that is where I'm stuck. I am working on my own assertiveness and confidence as he is a very difficult man to talk to and as I mentioned, I tend to shut down in serious discussions with him. So many discussions I have found online tell me what I know, that I need to tell him I want a divorce and then leave. But so few people talk about how they did this and how the actual discussions went. Or about what they may have done to increase their confidence in handling this difficult, but inevitable, discussion. This is where I need help, and this is why I'm here. I have tried various therapists and they help, but I still feel like I'm not on quite the right path. 

And yes, I have to be honest, there is someone else. He is a man that, as I say, "walked into a life I already owned", meaning I met him where I work (a dream job for me) and he came there because of having the same passions I have. We've known each other for almost 3 years now and our friendship has grown over that time. We've really gotten to know each other and it's only been in the last couple months that we've taken our relationship further. Beyond the point that we've fought crossing for at least the last year. It is very easy and comfortable with him and I feel like I can truly be myself. We see things from a very similar perspective and approach life with similar attitudes. I wanted to leave my marriage long before I met him and of course he's made things much more challenging. I don't want to leave a relationship for another. I want to leave my marriage for me, not for him. I don't want him to be a rebound. We are both very independent and want a relationship that reflects that. I call it an "independent state of togetherness". He is, in many ways, the type of relationship I have envisioned being my "ideal". Ideal being in quotes because there really is no true ideal 

And that is my story. If anyone has insight/suggestions/experiences relating to the courage and actual conversation around saying "I'm done. I want out. I want a divorce. I'm moving out.", etc., I would love to hear them! 

Much love and luck to all of us going through life and love complications.


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