# Seriously Don't know what to do



## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Well I don't know where to start. My marriage is going down the tubes farster and faster. 

Let me start at the begining. We got married ten years ago. After 3 years we bought a retail gift store and thats when things started to go down hill. Even though we had the business for 7 years it wasn't a great success and we ended up lossing everything and declairing bankruptcy. During this time I was in the shop while Hubby was still doing his truck business so it was left to me to run the shop. We had many fights during this time as he would often try to take over the running of the store even though he was only in there on a Thursday night. I ended up making decisions on my own as it was to hard to talk to him. He would come out with blanket statements and not even try to see things from my point of view eg; spending money on stock. I don't want to get into the who was right/who was wrong as in my mind its in the past and we both made mistakes. I will say, everything I did, I did with the best interests at heart.

Fast forward to today. Things between us have been not right for a long time and after we closed the business they didn't get any better. Sex has been an issue and he can't seem to let go of the past and move on. I can't say we argue all the time but we are not close, living more like flat mates. Well it has all come to a head in the last few days. I asked him to discuss our future....he side stepped the issue as usual and now I have moved completely into the back room, cloths, shoes, everything. He now has an issue saying that if I truely wanted to work things out I wouldn't be putting more space between us by doing that. That I am causing the problems.

I have asked him what I have done for him to get to this point and his answer is that he can't trust me....not cause of any guys or anything but because of what happened in the shop. You see, in his mind we would make decissions about money and I would just go and do what I wanted anyway. On my side of the story...he would tell me what was going to happen without listening to me, then I would just agree with him knowing it was to hard to argue and then go and do what I wanted.

So there it is. According to my husband he doesn't trust me because of things I did to keep our shop going last year and earlier. This is the reason, he says he can't be intimate with me and he can't get over this. I on the other hand am able to seperate the business side of things from the relationship side and don't hold anything against him from during that time (and believe me, he was quite nasty at times).

So what do I do. I think this is a convienient excuss but he will never admitt to that. He won't go and see a counciller as he doesn't believe they would help, "they would just cause more problem". So again, what do I do. I am only 38 and I want to live life not sit around the house feeling sorry for myself. If anyone can help I really would appriciate it, please.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Your big mistake was mixing work with your personal life you couldn't separate that and you are still both having this issue
usually people go to work and come back home not bringing their work problems home and not taking their home problems to work 
You being working together in your own business you didn't pay attention to not let your work goes with you to home that made you live a really stressful life even if your business didn't go down you could be having the same problems 
What you need to work on you need to seek marriage counseling to help you get over this situation and try both to enjoy your life and admit your business failure to be able to restart
Well I wrote what i wrote before reading the last 2 paragraphs but still long time ago you accepted to bring the business issues and concerns home what i mean with accepted is when you discuss it with him home you gave him the right to discuss it anytime 
Anyway i am not trying to put the blame on you i understand what you are going through 
He needs help because he is still living at the dark side running from his responsibilities by blaming you like that he doesn't feel guilty and much more easier to blame you than blaming himself 
You didn't mentioned if you have kids if not it's easier for you to leave if he kept refusing to do marriage counseling 
One thing you still can do is you go and see a good counselor yourself he/she will advice you what to do, if you belong to a church they can advice you which counselor to see 
Good luck


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## themarriedwoman (Apr 6, 2010)

Since trust are one of the issues, well i suggest u to restore back the trust. you can read " The speed of Trust" by Stephen M. R. Covey on how u can restore back the trust between you and your husband. this book will cover the 13 behaviors of trust:

1. Talk Straight
2. Demonstrate Respect
3. Create Transparency
4. Right Wrong
5. Show Loyalty
6. Deliver Results
7. Get Better
8. Confront Reality
9. Clarify Expectations
10. Practice Accountability
11. Listen First
12. Keep Commitments
13. Extend Trust 

try to read it and practice it in your daily life, once you gain your husband's trust things will get better.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I knew before you said it that he didn't trust you anymore be/c of the way you made decisions about the shop.

You made a mistake in agreeing just to shut him up. You also seem not to have listened, genuinely listened, to his input. I'm not saying he was "right," because it sounds like he made mistakes, too. But you will have to acknowledge your own error to move forward. Not the decisions, necessarily, but the way you went about making them.

Counseling and good communication skills may help, if he wants to give it a real try. The patterns you've both established are very unhealthy and unlikely to resolve without help. Good luck. Sounds like he might be willing to work on things.


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## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Well, its decided, tonight we are having "the big talk". Finally got him to agree to it even though he has promised this before. So we will see. Again he told me he doesn't trust me but how does trust with me spending money translate into the bedroom. Why, if there is an issue with him thinking I am going to spend money, does he not want to touch me or can't show me any intamicy at all. I just don't get it. If I was playing the field etc yes I would understand. But he has an issue with me spending money and I don't know how to fix that. Its not like I go out and spend everything on clothes or things for me, I spend it on food for the house, or animal food or cleaning products. Ok every now and then I might buy myself a new top or dress but its usually between $50-$100 nothing major and a lot of the time I will put it on layby.

As I'm typing this I'm thinking hubby sounds like a real control freak...hes not but I am starting to think maybe there is another underlying issue. He still refuses to go to councilling so I am going to try a new tack by saying that "I need it to try and understand how I am going to build his trust again, cause at the moment I don't know how to do this" we'll see if that works. Please keep the advice coming....just knowing someone is listening really helps.....


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