# What do I do now?



## LosingItAll (Feb 23, 2014)

Husband and I have been together for 6 1/2 yrs, married for 3 1/2. We have a son together. We did have a rocky beginning to our relationship, but we worked through it. In the beginning of our marriage we had some financial problems and that became the focus of our lives until we finally pulled out of it. For the last year things have actually been ok. Or so I thought.

Found out my husband has been having an emotional affair with a girl that he used to work with. Apparently she came to visit some old friends at his work a couple months ago and they talked and she gave him her number and they began talking. Nothing physical, so he says. I think I believe him. 

I had no idea any of this was going on. Nothing really changed. We got into a fight about a month ago and we both decided that there were things we needed to work on. About a week after that I woke up one morning and asked to see his phone. I just knew something was wrong that morning. He got this scared look on his face asking why and telling me that if he showed me his phone I wouldn't understand. That it wasn't what I thought it was. He later confessed to her. I left that night with our son to stay with family. I was crushed. Two weeks after I decided to come back home so that we could talk and figure some things out. 

He says he never meant for this to happen. It just did. And how confused he is about the feelings that he has developed for her. He tells me how much he hates himself for hurting me like this and tearing our family apart. How he loves me and cares for me more than he has any other person in his life (not including our son of course) We started marriage counseling last week, we have our second session in a few days. He says he has stopped talking to her, I want to believe that, but it's hard. He tells me that I deserve better, and have always deserved better than what he has been giving me. How I'm the best friend he has ever had and honestly I feel the same. He has always been my best friend. 

He says that for awhile he has been feeling emotionally disconnected. And he was scared to talk to me about it because he didn't want to hurt me. Not sure what to think about that. We have been discussing divorce. I would like to be able to at least try and fight for our marriage. When I ask him what he wants he says he doesn't know what he wants. He is still confused about the feelings that he developed for the OW. And he doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he already has and how its unfair for me to stick around waiting for him to figure things out. 

I am so confused. The pain from being betrayed like this is overwhelming. I am more hurt by the fact that he lied to me about how he has been feeling. I don't understand how he could have been talking to her and developing these feelings for her and yet coming home to me every night. Telling me that the few times he saw her that all he could think about was me. How he was able to keep being intimate with me and telling me he loves me, all while this was going on. 

Is there anything to save? Am I completely crazy for wanting to try and work through this? Is divorce the right move to make? I can't even think clearly anymore. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place. 

Any advice would be appreciated.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Yes I think the two of you can work this out, but he has to be willing to put you first. If it was me, I would have him call her while you were there, put it on speaker phone, have him tell her that you know about them, you two have discussed it and that he has chosen you over her. Then you tell her to erase his number from her phone (and you erase hers from his). Also let her know that you are not going to stand by while she destroys your family, that you have a little child and this man is married to YOU.

If he is willing to do that, then give it a try. He also needs to be a complete open book to you, phone, email accounts, etc.


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## LosingItAll (Feb 23, 2014)

Hmm... I'll have to talk to him about the calling her with me there to ask her to leave us alone. That might be enough for me to believe it. 

If full transparency like that something that is necessary for R? I just feel weird about that. We have never been like that. I want to be able to just trust him without having to babysit him and control his every move. Like even at this point I still don't have any real desire to check his phone. Sometimes when he gets texts I get that little panicky feeling of what if its her? But he gets a lot of emails and texts from the people he works with. He is a supervisor and needs to be in contact with them. 

I just don't know if I'm ok with feeling like I have to do that.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

I think you stand a good chance to stay married. Fight for it, hopefully he will fight too by giving you everything you ask for in learning to trust him again. Sorry this has happened. It will probably always be there, the panicky feeling. Eventually usually years you can get back to trusting him completely. It takes a lot and I wish you the best.
I hope he doesn't fight you about being insecure and wanting him to disclose to you whats needed for proof to settle your natural insecurity. After all its like he cut your legs off, your now in a wheelchair recovering and learning to walk again. He needs to be very consistant and diligent in repairing the damage. Everything you were having problems with before get put on the back burner until your comfortable again.
Bring him here, we can give him some direction and we also have some successful couples in R. 



> And he doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he already has and how its unfair for me to stick around waiting for him to figure things out.


This scares me. He doesn't get it yet, its not him that gets to figure out anything. You get to be in control, if he is unwilling then its not a good sign. He needs to do everything, willingly and promptly that you ask him to do in regards to making it right.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Full transparency, yes. This doesn't mean that you have to look, but it does mean that you can look. The main thing is that he is willing to give you that. After all, you still don't really know how he is going to handle this or what choices he is going to make.

If he agrees to stay with you, he agrees to cut all ties and be transparent.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He says he doesn't know what he wants, that he doesn't want to hurt you anymore, that he doesn't want to lose his best friend....

None of these are the words of a man who truly wants a reconciliation. Rather, they are the words of a man who wants his new love but doesn't have the courage to just make a break from his marriage.

This doesn't mean that he can't rediscover his feelings for you. To do that, he would have to have no more contact at all with the OW & you would have to monitor that. He would have to be transparent. Since he is clearly on the fence, he most likely will stay in contact with her.

The decision to reconcile doesn't really sound like it's yours to make. He doesn't sound all in. Given what he has told you, I wouldn't push R. I would insist that he make a choice. It may not be what you want, but unfortunately you have to be willing to lose it to save it.


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## LosingItAll (Feb 23, 2014)

I guess I'm just afraid, I know him well enough to know that he is probably going to have issues with the full transparency thing. But I don't know if he would do it or not. 


And thats been a lot of my problem. Everything he says confuses me. He is pretty back and forth on things. He makes me feel like he still loves me... but that he is curious to where things might go with this other girl. 

I'm scared that if I ask him to make a choice... he will say divorce. And then I just have this gut feeling that in a few weeks to a few months he will be calling me up crying telling me what a horrible mistake he has made and wants to work things out... but by then it will be too late. 

But maybe that's just the way its going to have to be.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

LosingItAll said:


> I guess I'm just afraid, I know him well enough to know that he is probably going to have issues with the full transparency thing. But I don't know if he would do it or not.
> 
> 
> And thats been a lot of my problem. Everything he says confuses me. He is pretty back and forth on things. He makes me feel like he still loves me... but that he is curious to where things might go with this other girl.
> ...


ime, full transparency is necessary to R. it's grueling enough knowing he lied in the past but in order to build trust again, since he is untrustworthy, you need to be able to see any time you like that he's honoring NC.

he's a cake eater. i understand you are scared but you need to decide soon what YOUR future will be. don't let him decide bc he won't. as long as you allow him to be wishy washy, your future is in his hands. is that what you want?

and pete's sake, don't worry about the possibility of him crying in the future. sure as hell doesn't sound like he's worried about you crying in the present.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Is the OW married?

Have a phone call to her H and tell him what happened.

That should get her out of her comfortable affair.


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## LosingItAll (Feb 23, 2014)

I'm trying to figure out what I want. I'm just still so unsure. It makes it a little more complicated when I know that when I leave him, I have to move to another state. Its the only real option for me to get on my feet. I'm a SAHM and the only family I have that has the means to be able to help me while I am getting back on my feet is 1000 miles away. Its a little scary.

I want to be the one to make this decision. I need to be the one who does it. I don't want him to have that. I want to be able to say that I was strong enough to make the decision that was best for me. 

He always says he has a hard time looking at me without hating himself for all the pain he has caused me. And over the past few weeks with all of this going on, anytime I start talking seriously about starting the divorce process, he seems to change his tune and it gets confusing for me.


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## LosingItAll (Feb 23, 2014)

I honestly don't know if she is married or not... but I don't think so. 
She is my age (25)
I haven't asked if she is married. I just assumed single.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Well, if you are serious about a real chance at R, you should find out if this OW has a H or bf & expose to that person. Blow up the affair. Don't tell your H you are doing this.

(I get the feeling from your posts that you will resist doing this. That's OK. Many do, but without exposure, the A usu. continues and the APs keep building their secret infatuation.)


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

LosingItAll said:


> I honestly don't know if she is married or not... but I don't think so.
> She is my age (25)
> I haven't asked if she is married. I just assumed single.


Did you get her phone number from your cell bill? How


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## LosingItAll (Feb 23, 2014)

It's not that I would be unwilling to do that... in fact if she does they have every right to know.

But all I know is her first name. So I have no idea how I would find any of that stuff out. If I asked him about her... he would know that I was looking for her. 

I don't have her number.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Your husband is fence-sitting. The mysterious "fog" that you read about on this site? He's in it.

All of that, "you deserve better, it's unfair for you to have to wait until I make up my mind, I don't want to hurt you... blah, blah, blah") is foggy talk. 

He's playing the bit of the good-guy martyr and trying to force your hand - to leave him so he doesn't have to be the one to break up the marriage (in his mind). "I am sh!tty, you shouldn't have to put up with it, why don't you leave me?" It frees him from responsibility even though it's the affair that actually broke the marriage, if it's you who walks, it's you that gets the blame for ending the marriage.

On the other end of things, he doesn't want to lose the marriage. If a marriage is truly horrible, people get divorced. It is when there is something about you or the marriage that is good that people cheat but don't leave. This is the cake-eating, i.e, "let's keep the marriage that I'm not entirely satisfied with but invite someone else in so I can have my needs met and ignore the marital problems I don't want to deal with."

I hate to say it but you can't be so sure that this EA hasn't also become a PA if they have had alone time together. If and when they met up, there is a chance they had sex. Adults that like each other a lot don't maintain a strict EA if given the chance to be alone. Adults have sex. 

I think you need more information about his A both from him AND from her if she's so willing. Be prepared for trickle-truths, half truths and outright lies especially because it sounds like your husband is on the fence.

As for you, I would do a site search for the 180. It is very valuable for you to help get your mind clear so you can have a better perspective of what to do next. You can modify it to suit your individual circumstances. There is no wrong or right way to do it. In summary, while it can be a marriage saving tool, the 180 is more or less a tool for you to help you feel stronger and it gives you a bit of a healing space to insulate you from all the sh!t being tossed your way right after discovering an affair.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is a cake eater, he needs to grow up,


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

There are a couple of ways for you to discover the OW's identity. First, look at the detailed cell bill online, if you have the login/password. When you figure out which number belongs to her, search it everywhere - search it on Google *and* search it on Facebook; if there is an associated profile that allows users to find by phone number search, it will pop up.

If that's a no-go, check his (computer) browsing history when he's not around. Chances are he's googled her or lurked on her FB/twitter profile.

If you can't get into his computer or he deletes the history, if he leaves his Facebook logged in anywhere or you know the username/password, log into his account, go to his profile. In the bottom-right corner of his cover picture above his timeline, there will be a button that says "activity log." Click on that. On the next screen, there will be a checkbox in the top right corner that says "include only me activity." Check that. That will show you his FB searches, so you can see if he has been searching her name or an organization she is involved in. 

I do think you need to wake his azz up by taking your son and moving out and starting divorce proceedings. He is cake-eating, fence-sitting, taking you for granted, using you, and manipulating you. That's why he changes his tune and confuses you when you start talking about divorce. He wants you for safety, and her for excitement/luuuuurve. 

You deserve better.


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## LosingItAll (Feb 23, 2014)

Been reading up on the 180 stuff... it's def something that I need to start doing. So far I have been doing the opposite. And I hate feeling like I'm willing to do anything to keep him, when it doesn't look like he is willing to do the same. I'm going to have to make sure I read that everyday and remind myself that nothing will get better if I don't do this for me. It's just hard. So so hard.

And yes he is a cake-eater. I have even said this to his face during one of my outbursts. Telling him he can't have us both, and that there is no way in heck I will compete with this girl for him. 

I wish I had access to this stuff but I don't. He is pretty tech savvy so if he found out that I was snooping and digging around for stuff it might cause him to retreat further into the A and he might get even sneakier. (At least this is my fear of what will happen)

I'm trying to figure out how to do that. But like I said my problem is that when I leave, my option is to move 1000 miles away. They are waiting for me to give them the go-ahead to purchase the plane tickets for me and my son. So I need to get the divorce petition filed and take some class thats required here for parents with children before I can leave. And then the 90-day waiting period before we can sign the divorce decree... so I have to find out if that's something that I can do from out of state. 

Maybe I should start packing up my boxes now? Make him see me actually packing up my things to shipped out and see if that helps him pull his head out of his rear? And if not, then I get my answer.

I'm more scared to be a single parent and having a hard time providing for my child on my own than I am of actually leaving my husband. I know that I can do it, but its still scary.


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## Stressedandsad (Jan 29, 2014)

Gosh, you're story sounds very similar and you feel exactly how I feel right now. It's hard to do the 180 when that's not really what you want. You want more than anything to work it out and for him to snap out of it. I've been on this roller coaster for 6 weeks now and there's no sign of him coming to his senses. 

You have to worry about yourself and your son right now. Find out the answers to your questions on divorce and the waiting period and then do what you need to do.

I'm trying to take my own advice too but it's hard. Very hard! I've been married 28 years and the thought of living on my own terrifies me. But everyone here has given you great advice. You can't be a doormat while your H figures out what the hell he wants. I'll say what they all told me. You deserve better!


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

The only way you have a *chance* at R AND to make it your decision is to give him an ultimatum. Call off the EA, with a declaration to the OW, or you are gone - period. Any other option throws the ball right back into his court.

Of course if he chooses you, it will be with full disclosure, etc.


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## LosingItAll (Feb 23, 2014)

Yeah. I think I need to do that. Go ahead and give him the ultimatum. I might wait until our session with the MC to give it to him, maybe then he can help me deal with whatever his answer will be. That will give me another 2 days to gather the strength to do it.


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

LosingItAll said:


> Yeah. I think I need to do that. Go ahead and give him the ultimatum. I might wait until our session with the MC to give it to him, maybe then he can help me deal with whatever his answer will be. That will give me another 2 days to gather the strength to do it.


I agree. I think it would be best to wait on this. Have you talked to the counselor one on one about any of your plans? They may be able to help you set some clear benchmarks you need to see from him and of course the appropriate boundaries.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Some things to consider:

1. Why do MC with someone who is not interested in the M at this time? He is conflicted about who he wants to be with. He is doing nothing to fix this M. Nothing. I am a professional counselor and I would not do MC if I was in the same boat as you.

2. What if your WH does not come home tonight? What if he decides he wants to be with the OW?

3. Talking to him right now is like talking to a brick wall. By his responces to you, you really don't matter. Do the 180 hard.

4. Get your accounts in order, bank statements, account names and numbers.

5. Go dark on him and I mean very silent. Don't share your plans.

6. I see D as the only option right now. Your WH is so deep in the fog that you are just a blur in his sight.


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## LosingItAll (Feb 23, 2014)

The marriage counseling was his idea. So I went along with it. We only had one session, I cancelled the one we were supposed to have this week. 

But I do like all of your ideas Thorburn and I am actually considering doing all of that.


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## LosingItAll (Feb 23, 2014)

I do want to give a little update on what has been happening and hopefully get some advice on things.

I made the final decision. I sent the message to my family to start purchasing the tickets for me and my son to fly out there. They are supposed to contact me later today with the flight information. I have started packing boxes and going through everything. And I am going out there. There is no turning back now. I'm a little scared but I also know that this is necessary. 

Since I sent the message my husband has been acting differently. The day I told him he sat in the bedroom crying for a few hours. During that time I got ready for the day and got my son ready and just didn't talk to him at all. It was his day off so he asked if I would go with him to our son's favorite restaurant and eat lunch and let our son have some fun for awhile. I went along. While we were driving up to the place he started asking me some questions. He asked why the last time we had talked about things I told him that I was going to be leaving the state regardless of what happens between us. I told him that since he works with this girl (he lied, came clean about that a few days ago) that there was just no way I would even consider trying to work on things if he couldn't do what was necessary for that to happen (quit his job, stop all contact with her, commit to this 100%, etc.) and that I needed to be there for me. It was my best chance of having the life I want if we end up not working things out.

He started going off on all these things that he needs to do so he can move out there. Put in his two weeks notice at work, get the car tuned up so that he can make it all the way out there (we have had some problems with the car lately) talking to the landlord so we can get out of the lease, and making plans to get out there with in the next few weeks. He has even started helping me pack things in boxes and getting things ready to move.

I'm kind of shocked by this. I'm not getting my hopes up for anything, but it kinda seems since I got the ball rolling on leaving he has had a little bit of a wake up call. He has been leaving his phone in airplane mode and when he is home he doesn't check it, he lets me see his phone when he picks it up to show me that when he turns the wifi signal back on (leaving airplane mode on) to check his work email. He even lets me see everything that is being said. 

I'm curious to see what happens through all of this. If he actually follows through on everything he is doing. Will be interesting to see how all of this plays out I guess.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Sounds like he's getting a clue but do not fold. Be strong, keep applying principles of 180 until he conceeds to doing everything you ask. 
Did you file for divorce and have him served? There is a window of time to stop the divorce in most states. I hope you have talked with a lawyer at the minimum. The actual papers might make him be completely convinced that you are serious and are leaving, not just taking a vacation to another state.


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## LosingItAll (Feb 23, 2014)

Well I hope I have made it pretty clear to him that this move is a permanent one, I will not be coming back. No matter what happens. I refuse. I have wanted to leave this place for a long time and now I have my chance.

When I get out there I will be starting to look for a job. And everything that I am packing I have told him that he needs to start shipping them out to me after I have gone. But he has started packing up his things with it. He is only not packing up some clothes, a few dishes, and his personal care stuff. So at least for now, it seems he is pretty serious about moving out there too. Which surprises me. The way he has talked about the OW and how she is in love with him and all that bull****. I truly thought he was going to stay here for her. I had completely accepted that and was preparing myself to having to tell my son all of this. But I am still not getting my hopes up for any of this. I'm not going to believe he is serious until the day he shows up out there. 

I have the papers, but I haven't filed them or anything yet. There is a waiting period here for divorce, but I won't be living here anymore. I'm not sure if I should go ahead and file anyways? Or see if he he is really going to move out there? ... in which case we would have to file out there anyways. 

I think it scares him that I seem to have changed my mind about working things out. And honestly at this point I'm starting to think it won't be possible. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. And I can't live like that. It's weird to feel this way about it. Since sending that message its just kind of sunk in that this is how it is. I feel like I'm accepting things now. I hope it lasts. I'm ready to get off the emotional roller coaster.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

LosingItAll said:


> I have the papers, but I haven't filed them or anything yet. There is a waiting period here for divorce, but I won't be living here anymore. I'm not sure if I should go ahead and file anyways? Or see if he he is really going to move out there? ... in which case we would have to file out there anyways.


Yes, the divorce proceedings do not start until the divorce is filed, then you must have him served. After you file and serve you can change course anytime you wish. Although it doesn't really sound like you want to. I'd clarify that with your lawyer. Setting your self up for divorce doesn't mean that you will get divorced. 

If you want to do an effective 180, now is the time to tell his and your family that you have filed for divorce. Tell the OW's spouse/bf. Post it facebook. Tell your family the reason you are doing so is that you want them to know of the situation because you need their support. You want his and yours family to be pushing him to end the relationship with the OW and work on your marriage. You can put the breaks on the divorce as soon as your convinced your H is truly remoarseful and is trying to fix the marriage and you can do it anytime during the proceedings up until the last stage of the dissolution of marriage, which is a court date. 

Don't tell him your doing all of this. Let him find out second hand. Leave the state without him. You need to make it clear your serious. You know what he should do and by forcing his hand he either will or will not. Read more about the 180. It's all about you now, not him. 

Others should chime in, I didn't do a perfect 180, I made a lot of mistakes. I wish I would have done it this way. Mine decided to completely disappear.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

LosingItAll said:


> I think it scares him that I seem to have changed my mind about working things out. And honestly at this point I'm starting to think it won't be possible. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. And I can't live like that. It's weird to feel this way about it. Since sending that message its just kind of sunk in that this is how it is. I feel like I'm accepting things now. I hope it lasts. I'm ready to get off the emotional roller coaster.


Hmm, I'd say its early. Your roller coaster is just starting and I would put money on it that you will change your mind. Although I do agree with you after lossing the trust it seems that all is lost. I would totally understand if you just got divorced and said the hell with it. Unfortunately, many us have tried R, and it just ends up ending in divorce. I believe the only way to have some dignity after an affair is by exposing it. You can go quietly or you can make sure everyone knows what really happened. 

The bad part about making it public is that some will justify WH claiming you were not giving him what he needed and he seeked it elsewhere. It's unfortunate, but the WS could have talked about it, went to councilling to work it out, or simply divorced you before he had an affair. To me, cheating is the absolute worse thing you can do to your spouse and is never acceptable. Sorry, but fu8ck him and everyone else that thinks he had an excuse.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Just wanted to say great job on moving forward with your plans to move. This may just be the wake-up call he needs. If he doesn't wake up or you don't think you can reconcile, divorce can always be filed after you move. 

Going dark/going nuclear is the only thing that ever works because a spouse needs to see that you are not an option but a priority that they can lose.

I wouldn't make any rash decisions except for moving (I don't think moving is rash since you wanted to for a long time). I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you'll be on the roller coaster for a while sadly. One day you'll want the marriage, the next you will want a divorce and often you'll want both in the same day. Your emotions will also be all over the place for a while. It sucks but it's normal and everyone here will completely understand. 

Just focus on the move and what YOU need to do to heal for now. You're doing great.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

It sounds like he has finally figured out that you are serious.

If he is packing up his own stuff in boxes, it sounds like he plans to quit his job and follow you back to your home state. Did you tell him what day you are leaving? Has he turned in his notice?

The thing is, he could potentially file for D before you and get an order preventing you from moving the child. 

So, unless you currently live in California and really want this D, I would recommend you not file in your current state of residence. Move back to the state where you came from, establish residence there (for whatever statutory period there is in that state) and then file there.

If you live in California, you're better off filing there and getting the generous alimony and child support they have.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It seems to me that now is the time to try to find out as much of the truth as you can about their affair.

It is axiomatic that when a WS says that it's not physical, that it actually is quite physical. Do you even know how long this has been going on? He has hidden it and lied to you. She works with him and says she is in love with him.

You sound resigned about the marriage and happy to move. If you found out the details of the A, this would probably cement your resolve either way.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

I am so proud of you. You listen and acted and did not stay in limbo and make your life miserable. 

It truly is amazing how when one "women up" how the view changes, as I myself found out after suffering almost 2 yrs throughout his, 'I'm the victim here" until I finally said, "ok then we'll divorce," and I meant it. Oh, the tables changed, almost over night.

Good luck with your move, keep posting, stay strong, and so sorry you have found yourself on this road. 

-sammy


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

losingitall said:


> well i hope i have made it pretty clear to him that this move is a permanent one, i will not be coming back. No matter what happens. I refuse. I have wanted to leave this place for a long time and now i have my chance.
> 
> When i get out there i will be starting to look for a job. And everything that i am packing i have told him that he needs to start shipping them out to me after i have gone. But he has started packing up his things with it. He is only not packing up some clothes, a few dishes, and his personal care stuff. So at least for now, it seems he is pretty serious about moving out there too. Which surprises me. The way he has talked about the ow and how she is in love with him and all that bull****. I truly thought he was going to stay here for her. I had completely accepted that and was preparing myself to having to tell my son all of this. But i am still not getting my hopes up for any of this. I'm not going to believe he is serious until the day he shows up out there.
> 
> ...


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

You're awesome OP!


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