# Newbie in great need for insight/support, depressed husband wants to divorce



## Adrian (Jul 31, 2010)

Hi all, 

I am new to this forum and desperately need insight and support. I am from Europe, English is not my mother tongue, but I hope my posts will be clear and readable. 

My husband of 23 years (together 27) announced 4 days ago that he wants a divorce, as "he cannot be with me any more, he doesn't love me as a woman". He also mentioned he can't stay another minute in our house, this space makes him feel trapped and has urge to run away. He told me he wants to move out immediately and will be staying with his mother. Said he will leave our house, all property and saving to me and daughter and will take nothing from home except his laptop and personal belongings. 

I told him that if this is what he wants, I can't stop him, but I beg him, in the name of those 27 years, to take as much alone time as he needs, look for professional counseling, get well and be sure of what his issues and priorities are in life, and then, if he still wants to divorce, I will agree. He accepted the deal immediately, saying "fair enough, I owe you that, at least that". So now I'm looking to find him a good professional help, which is not easy in holiday season. 

Although we had a number of our marital issues, deep inside I am convinced that his request doesn't come from his lack of love for me, as he is always very supportive to me, helps in the house, brings money home, and is a very good father. I believe it comes from his internal issues, and affects every aspect of his life. 

There is a history of his self-esteem issues, depression, sense of lost direction in life, "life is passing by him", ego-building affair, and, unfortunately suicide attempt, after which he moved out from marital home and spent 5 months in his brother's apartment, alone, "to find out what he wants and who he is". This was 10 years ago. He moved back in voluntarily, I didn't press him to decide. He told me then " If I move back, I have to be absolutely sure in my heart that I'm not going to destroy this family once again in one, two or five years from now". So when he moved back, I only asked him if this is valid, are you sure you want to come back? He said yes. Now, the same situation repeats in many aspects, except for affair, he says there is nobody else in the picture this time and I believe him. Many of the words I heard from him 10 years ago, I heard now again - "nothing makes me happy, not even my hobby (but I leave home for hobby as I still feel better there then at home)... 

Now, in addition to all this, he adds he feels like second class person because of his issue with diploma (never graduated, but only one exam left to graduation), and he wants to change job, not happy at current one, have some interesting offers, but he can't take up on them unless he graduates. I believe these are his real issues, but he projects this to marital issues, and thinks if he removes hm from the marriage that he will remove his problems and be happier. I don't think so. 

Since his return home back in 2001, it's been a bumpy road, me struggling to regain confidence in him (affair issue), but gradually times became better and I saw much of his old self coming back. 

Thing haven't been rosy in the last few months, sometimes I slept in the living room, because I felt abandoned, but I communicated this to him and at one point I even asked him - do you want to be my husband or my room-mate? And he replied "a husband". We discussed our issue and he told me "look, do we love each other - yes. Do we love each other as we did 27 years ago? No, because its different kind of love after all those years and kids, but yes, we do love each other". So, these were his words some 3-4 months ago. What happened in the meantime that now he says he doesn't love me? 

He said he was leaving and he did, but just physically. He took only necessary items - some underwear, few shirts and trousers, his laptop, two books and computer files, and personal hygiene kit. But, when he came to pick this up, he gave me some clothes (piled on his side of the bed) and said "this is all for washing", as if he is home as usual, and said he will not separate accounts nor credit cards "for now". He acted as if he is at home, fixed some stuff in the kitchen, had a coffee with me and packed his stuff together with me. 

He cries the very moment he sees me, and daughter says he just wants to talk with her, about everything and anything, but not this present issue. He is very concerned with by well-being, do I have enough money, am I well... and keeps repeating me "please hang on, I barely keep myself and count on you. Don't do any stupid thing, don't harm yourself.." 

I can't stop crying for days, I want my family back, I want him back, those are the only things I have and need. I don't have any family nor support network on my own. No brothers and sisters, and my parents both passed away while I was a child. I am devastated... 

Is there a hope? Please, give me your thoughts, thank you!

Adrian


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Adrian,

When you mentioned the suicide attempt, that is pretty much as far as I needed to read. 

Is he actively being treated for depression? You mentioned he agreed to go to professional counseling. Is part of that to be screened and begin working on that major piece of the puzzle?

It really sounds as if he is in the grips of depression, not that he wants a divorce. I would be concerned about another suicide attempt. Can you have him sign a "No Harm" agreement stating that he won't harm or attempt suicide again? If he doesn't sign it, he should probably be hospitalized for mental health screening.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be very hard on you and your daughter to watch him come and go and not understand why he is responding the way he is. 

I would suggest that you seek professional counseling as well. Also, learning what you can about depression and the best ways to support your husband during this time.

Here is an excellent article: Helping Your Husband with Depression | Psych Central


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## Adrian (Jul 31, 2010)

Thanks for reply HappyHer, 

he said he feels he is spiralling down again and started to have thoughts about suicide, and also thoughts about how it would look if, for example, my plane crashed and I'm gone. Or if he's gone due to some accident... and said these are not good thoughts. 

But, he thinks he is depressed because of our marital issues (we had communication difficulties, mainly due to his mental state), that he stopped loving me and feels nothing about me and our history, and this is why he perceives a divorce as the only option to stop sliding back into suicidal thoughts. He thinks if he removes himself from the physical environment of our home and away from me he will be OK. 

Well, I think the situation is just opposite, and divorce would not be the answer to his problems, neither a life saver. I don't think what he said is really what he thinks, simply because he cries the very moment he sees me, he cries at a very thought of our history or our child, he tells me he appreciates me and admires me. He doen't hate me, just doesn't love me any more so he needs to run for his life, he can't stand it here any more.... 

In a hindsight, I think he is crying for attention and help once again... oh, God..


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I'm sure his depression is what's causing his lack of feelings about you and your history together - not that HE doesn't have them, their just buried in his sickness right now. 

He needs help and he's obviously realized this since he's letting you know he's beginning to have suicidal thoughts again. Will he sign a "No Harm" agreement with you? I know those aren't really binding, but will sometimes keep someone from hurting themselves when they know they made a commitment not to. If not with you, then with someone else to him that's close in his family? 

You may want to call the suicide hotline and see what options you have as his spouse. 1-800-273-8255

Hang in there. I know that can be a very hard road to trudge for both of you and is why you need help and support too. Half of all women that have depressed husbands end up depressed themselves, so make sure you take that care for yourself as well for you and your daughter.


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## Adrian (Jul 31, 2010)

HappyHer, 

no, he didn't sign, nor did I offe him any written agreement, but we spoke for more than an hour in person and he promised not to do anything foolish and harm himself. 

We made a deal that I am going to look for professional help, and he is going to go on counseling for as long as it takes to get well, recognize what are his goals and priorities, what he wants for his future, and then we're going to discuss our future. If he would still want out of marriage, then I would sign. 

I lay a deep hope that that therapy would help him recognize that his home and his future is with us, regardless of his personal issues and our marital issues. None of them is impossible to fix. 

I only fear that he really lost his love for me over years and issues we had, and that would make recovery impossible. When I cried telling him he is taking away everything I have and love from me, he asked me but would you feel good if you know I stayed only out of pitty for you? That question shattered me to pieces and I thought but he really wants to leave, its final, regardless of therapy...


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## fairy godmother (Jun 10, 2010)

I believe it's depression that is eating him up inside, really. Once one's in a major depression nothing matters but the pain one feels. His feelings of being a failure are magnified by his depression and it seems like he's dwelling, when he should be happy to soon get his diploma. You're being a very supportive wife and it sounds like you're doing the best you can in this situation. Sometimes the right medication can really help major depression, along with counseling. Take care~


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## Adrian (Jul 31, 2010)

Thanks for reply Fairy. Today, to be honest, I don't know. I feel fiddled around and I am pretty angry for that. I spoke with my D yesterday, she said he doesn't look particularly upset or sad, although not completely OK. He tries to find every possible excuse to stay around her and do something for her. She also told me that he seems pretty sure in his decision to divorce, tells her he respects me as a person but we can't get along as people any more . 

I know he is an attention seeker, that is one of his issues. But my brain refuses to believe he would create all this drama just to create an escape and divert fault for divorce from him to me. I cannot believe he would tell me he started to spiral down again, that he would pull out the suicide issue, very painful memory for me, and basically recreate almost identical situation like in year 2000, all just to be able to leave?? 

To turn all eyes to him once again and see him showing "look at me, I am a poor depressed guy who must divorce to keep his sanity, my life is messed up, but I am good and generous, I am going to leave everything to my wife and daughter...I need your help please - mom, let me stay with you, cook me and stroke my ego by confirming every day that poor me is not guilty for anything... wife, please wash and iron my clothes, keep the house running, take care of bills, daughter and cats, help me find a therapist, check at university when professor will be back and check exam term schedule, find me study books, wait for me till I complete therapy - I will still divorce you then, but never mind, I would keep my part of the deal by completing the therapy so you can't say I haven't tried and others can't say I'm a bad guy. Daughter, please bring me my belongings little by little, I don't want to go home and take them, as I would upset both me and your mother, but please, be a postman for me and help me sneak out little by little..." 

Is this all possible? Is it true? But why? I never stopped him, not now not 10 years ago, not in any of in-between years. Why would someone torture himself and everybody around including me if he already made up his mind and have every possible means and support network to just leave... ? 

Maybe I'm just sad and in the bad mood today, but when D told me yesterday he looks good and seems pretty sure in his decision, I just flipped. 

Thanks for reading and bearing with me, comments very much appreciated. 

Adrian


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## writing2010 (Aug 5, 2010)

Adrian,

Being the one depressed in a marriage, it took me a while to realize that both my husband and I suffer from the depression, because it effects everyone in the family. We don't have children yet, but even the dog feels my depression. I'll complain to my husband that the dog is sulking around and he'll say, "Well, he's just mimicking your sulking!"

I realize now, after therapy and meds for a year, that the most insidious components of depression is that we don't know that we are depressed. I too, like your husband, went through a period of questioning my marriage and the feelings I had for my husband. I didn't fully express to him how our marriage, our house, even the dog was making me feel trapped. I wanted to run away and live on my own. Instead of actually moving out, I would do absurd things like complain about everything he did or didn't do or withhold my affection from him then accuse him of withholding affection from me, or just sulk and not do anything for months. 

My husband and probably even my dog, saw the craziness and the absurdity of how I was acting. I on the other hand, couldn't see my actions as symptoms of depression. The hazy dullness of depression, slowly became my reality. To the point where the dullness I felt for everything, resulted in me thinking it was everything (including husband and dog) was dull.

I can't say if you're husband is acting only from his depression, but I can say that his thoughts, feelings, and actions are most likely not completely 100% true. He's heavily in the haze of depression and probably can not see clearly. 

Understandably, you are wrought with worry about him and the future of your family. I'm sorry that it is so difficult and how unfair it all is. One thing I see as helping my marriage through all this is that my husband really did take care of himself. Even if I felt jilted and unloved when he would take time for himself instead of doting over me or when he would just walk away when I was talking gibberish. I would accuse him of not loving me or respecting what I had to say. For someone with a low self-esteem, my ego is huge! But, if my husband didn't stay out of my spiraling depression, I don't think we would still be married. 

It is very hard to live with someone suffering from depression. You have to remember that you are suffering too and need to get help for yourself as well. The family needs to have their individual tools to deal depression. My husband sought a counselor and developed tools to deal with my depression and I'm very grateful for it. My dog, his tool is that he's just way too cute for me to ever want to leave him. I'm very grateful for that too! 

I know it's all unfair and that you're in the thick of things now. I do hope that with time, therapy, and maybe medication, your family will be able to get through intact. It is way too much for one person to deal with alone. I hope that you will also get help.


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