# Would you want to know? Caught my ex cheating on her fiancee with...



## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

... the woman she cheated on me with (while she and I were dating). 

Also, please forgive me if I'm in the correct forum or not. 

I'm a woman and *Kayla* was my first same-sex experience in both getting physical with another woman and dating. I was struggling accept my sexuality, while she had identified as lesbian as early as she could remember. The same age as I, she seemed to have her stuff together, was a successful business professional, involved in philanthropic efforts and volunteered her time at various charities and programs- but there was something about her that gave me caution. I naively waved it off. 

In the end (and what my intuition always knew), she had been using me the entire time. She never stopped talking to her ex *Rebecca *while she and I were dating. She'd dump me, officially get back together with her, then come back to me when they fought. In my gut, I knew something was up so I confronted her on it, but she denied it, told me their "window had passed," to stop being so sensitive because it was just platonic and this was how lesbian/bisexual relationships worked- women keep their exes around as friends. She had other exes as friends too, but I was naive and so new to this, I bought it. 

Eventually, she revealed the truth to a friend who then told me (that she had been talking with Rebecca the entire time) and that things had got a little "handsy." Basically, she cheated. She also told this friend I was just "okay" and that Rebecca, a rich older woman who was still married to a man for financial reasons (apparently, they are very wealthy/have social status in LA) and had a large house in LA, was all she had ever wanted and dreamed of. I was runner-up, but "nice enough." 

Weeks later, deeply depressed and nursing my wounds, I'd run into Kayla and Rebecca. I looked a mess, but Kayla was exuberant with Rebecca, holding her hand. They didn't see me, so I dragged myself back to the car and cried my eyes out alone. Still, I never said anything to Kayla. I did my best to move on. This was three years ago and it scarred me for a while, being my first lesbian experience. 

1.5 years ago, Kayla came back out-of-the-blue. She text messaged me saying she wanted to meet and try to work things out this time. I never replied and never said what I knew and chose to leave it in the past. It had taken me so damn long to heal. 

Then last month happened. I ran into a friend who said Kayla was getting married to an older woman. When she showed me her pic, it clearly wasn't Rebecca. It's a new woman and apparently they are getting married in June and living together. 

Last holiday weekend, I went out of town to LA and to the movies with a friend. We're standing in the concession stand line when a familiar face walks in- it's Kayla and she's not alone, but it isn't her fiancee. It's Rebecca. Not too much of a surprise since LA is where Rebecca lives (Kayla lives about 2 hours away). 
They seemingly appear to be friends, but when they near the restroom, they stop and kiss for a few seconds, then hold hands while walking off. I felt my body go numb, then cold. My jaw dropped. She's still cheating and she's doing it to someone else. I never saw them again at the theater or in the shopping center it's located in. 

I'm at a cross-roads as to what to do, if anything. Because I never told Kayla I knew about Rebecca (since it was all found out after the fact), it feels like I'm reliving it again... but mainly, she's doing it to someone else and with the same damn woman, no less. Unlike me, she's set to marry the woman she's cheating on! Even after these past few years, Kayla hasn't changed at all.

But what, if anything, do I do? Do I say something to her fiancee, who I don't even know and would have to find out info through my friend? Would she even believe me? 

And I'm clouded by feelings of resentment. Am I doing this out of revenge, because she hurt me so much? Possibly. Then again, I'd want to know if someone is cheating on me _before_ I married them. 

I'm not sure what the right thing to do is or how to proceed. What would you do?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Kayla never believed much in that saying" One bird in your hand is better than two having bushes".

She had all three. 

Since she did not really give a hoot about the other birds she flocked with, why would you care?

Find a bird that mates for life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes I would want to know. I would also make sure Rebecca's husband knows, it may well be a lie that theirs is just a marriage of convenience and either way she is cheating.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I agree with Diana, but don't get yourself pulled back in to the drama. Do it anonymously if you can...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

cali_chick said:


> ... the woman she cheated on me with (while she and I were dating).
> 
> Also, please forgive me if I'm in the correct forum or not.
> 
> ...


Kayla, is a narcissistic user, look up narcissist and run..............


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## fto0293 (Mar 21, 2018)

Sorry that happened to you. The other replies have given some good advice, and I don't have much to add.

To answer the question you asked in your title, I think the following two statements can be true at the same time (for me, anyway):

1. I would find the pain of knowing a loved one's betrayal unpleasant and soul-scouring beyond words.

2. If given the choice between knowing and not knowing, I would still choose knowing, so that I could move forward.

Wishing you the best. This **** sucks regardless of who you are.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You could set up a one shot email account with a male name and send it to the fiancee. Pose as a friend of the husband.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> You could set up a one shot email account with a male name and send it to the fiancee. Pose as a friend of the husband.


Ah yes, employ that _sock_ them in the face, _puppet_.

In that one hot and wordy blast, give up all the facts known to women.

Ah, and fire no tracer bullets, those that would lead back to your safe conspiring spot.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On secretly, getting back at {any those} that harm you:

Same sex advice needs of, the same hex advice.

There is, but little, that is strictly male sin and little that is, strictly, female sin.

Sin can be tattooed on either, as skin is that universal thin covering on all of humanity.

Humanity is this flawed duality, both joined oddly at the hip.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

While there is probably some minor hidden motive of revenge in there, i honestly wouldnt overthink that aspect.
I think its more that you were hurt so badly and really want to spare somebody else that hurt.
If this was happening to you, would you want to know?
I think a lot of people would. They may not believe or appreciate it at first. They may think you are just being jealous.
Honest opinion? Let the fiancee know. What they choose to do with the info is up to them.
Sounds like Kayla is a narcissist and a gold digger.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You left your heterosexual marriage behind. You left manhandling and now are experiencing that hen pecking.

It is my belief that same sex relationships are 'more' fraught with problems than hetero ones.

It seems the same biology that changed sides, cannot sit still but for a moments thrill.

An itch that cannot be scratched is one deep inside one's mind.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

I'd want to know but you're also better off without. Whether or not you decide to inform her fiancée or not, she'll find out one way or the other. If it were me and I ran into the happy couple again, I'd just duck out of sight. It's easier said than done but don't let what was done get you down. There are far better worth people out there for you. But she isn't one of them.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Thank you, everyone, for your kind advice. Not sure what I'm going to do, if anything. Perhaps I'm projecting wanting to protect her fiancee- when in all actuality, I want to go back in time and protect myself. 

Still, it was hard to watch and to just allow it to happen? That's where I need to put ownership where it belongs: on Kayla. I cannot fathom getting engaged and making marriage plans, while driving hours away to have sex with my ex, then go back home and pick-up a bridal magazine. Alas, I'm just venting. It isn't happening to me and I already went through it (minus the engagement). 

Again, thanks for your replies. They are certainly food for thought.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

cali_chick said:


> Thank you, everyone, for your kind advice. Not sure what I'm going to do, if anything. Perhaps I'm projecting wanting to protect her fiancee- when in all actuality, I want to go back in time and protect myself.
> 
> Still, it was hard to watch and to just allow it to happen? That's where I need to put ownership where it belongs: on Kayla. I cannot fathom getting engaged and making marriage plans, while driving hours away to have sex with my ex, then go back home and pick-up a bridal magazine. Alas, I'm just venting. It isn't happening to me and I already went through it (minus the engagement).
> 
> Again, thanks for your replies. They are certainly food for thought.


You have the ability to help someone innocent avoid being used by a selfish narcissist. Why would you want to help Kayla to continue hurting this poor woman?

There is no neutral stay-out-of-it position when you know about someone cheating. If you do nothing, you are enabling the cheating.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> You have the ability to help someone innocent avoid being used by a selfish narcissist. Why would you want to help Kayla to continue hurting this poor woman?
> 
> There is no neutral stay-out-of-it position when you know about someone cheating. If you do nothing, you are enabling the cheating.


After being a codependent all my life, if there's one thing I've learned is that it's okay to watch out for my overall well being. 

If that is staying away from this situation to protect myself after all I went through (I didn't write much of what happened here), I'll do just that. If I change my mind and decide to say something because I don't think it will hurt me to do so, then I will.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

aine said:


> Kayla, is a narcissistic user, look up narcissist and run..............


*A narcissist is someone who will cut your heart out without using any Novocain and then meticulously dissect it right before your very eyes!

Been there, done that! Never again!

Run like hell!*


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

What you witnessed at the movies was for you to realize just how big of a bullet you dodged. Nothing more, nothing less.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Cheating is not just the issue here.

At hand there are issues with STIs, as well as financial implications when they split up, and then things get even more complicated when children become involved.

Thanks to the beauty (and disease of) social media, it is easy to find someone and send them a quick message.

There is no need to put yourself at risk. You can probably quite easily find her, send her an anonymous message through a fake facebook account of something....and just drop a few little “tidbits” the fiancee’s way. Just bird crumbs that lead her in the right direction. You do not have to say anything about your old relationship....you can just say what you saw at the movies and say you are a “common friend that does not want to be involved, however believes she should know this, in case she does not yet, before she gets married”.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Never mind. My advice didn't make sense after I read it lol


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Yes, I would want to know. It would give me time to plan my exit and there would probably be things that I would have / have not done if I knew that my husband were fooling around in the short term .... 

If informing people is a practice that you regularly do, then don't feel bad that on this occasion there is a little bit of schadenfreude tied up with this.

As long as it's true, it would not make a difference to me that the info came from someone who has personal vendetta against or who was trying to hit on my husband. 

If something is true and can be proven to be true, it does not matter what source it came from.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

cali_chick said:


> Perhaps I'm projecting wanting to protect her fiancee- when in all actuality, I want to go back in time and protect myself.
> 
> That's where I need to put ownership where it belongs: on Kayla.


Yes, Kayla is sole owner of her betrayals. That said, her fiancee still has a right to know. You can't go back in time and be protected from Kayla, but you can possibly protect someone else.
Also, yes, I'd very much want to know. Especially in a community property state. Kayla marries this woman and she could literally ruin this woman's financial future in a divorce, which is likely, considering there's already infidelity and they aren't even married yet. It's not just about the emotional pain. There are other consequences to marrying the wrong person. You dodged a bullet, I hope this woman does, too.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

MJJEAN said:


> Yes, Kayla is sole owner of her betrayals. That said, her fiancee still has a right to know. You can't go back in time and be protected from Kayla, but you can possibly protect someone else.
> Also, yes, I'd very much want to know. Especially in a community property state. Kayla marries this woman and she could literally ruin this woman's financial future in a divorce, which is likely, considering there's already infidelity and they aren't even married yet. It's not just about the emotional pain. There are other consequences to marrying the wrong person. You dodged a bullet, I hope this woman does, too.


The couple could also move to a state that has laws more favorable to their needs. My exBIL moved my sister and the kids across state line because the laws are morfavorable to the non custodial parent compared to the other state in the metro area.

Additionally, if you knew that your partner was fooling around, would you want to buy a new house; new car? Play hostess to your unpleasant in laws for a week or two? No, you would say no knowing that in a couple of months what your in laws think means nothing anyway.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> The couple could also move to a state that has laws more favorable to their needs.


Sure, if half the couple is cheating and the other half knows, is willing to keep quiet, pretend all is well, move (new house new job new friends), wait until residency is established (anywhere from 60 days to 6 months) and then file.

Or the betrayed can be notified of the betrayal and skip the whole marriage thing in the first place. Assuming they'd have the sense to walk, of course, since we can't help people who won't help themselves.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

Update: I told her fiancée and kinda wish I didn’t. I’ll have to post from my computer (on my phone).


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

cali_chick said:


> Update: I told her fiancée and kinda wish I didn’t. I’ll have to post from my computer (on my phone).


How did you tell her? by what means and what words?

Perhaps you feel uncomfortable because you feel that you were doing it for the wrong reason. At the same time, if someone who had purer reasons would have told her the same thing and she would have had the same sad feelings. And isn't it better to learn about these things in private and be ready for it if someone wanted to talk about it in public.

I used to smoke cigarettes. And then I noticed how they discolored my teeth. So I quit. I quit smoking cigarettes because I was more worried about what I looked like than I was about my health. (my cancer is not due to smoking.) 

Should I have continued smoking because I quit for the wrong reasons.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

cali_chick said:


> Update: I told her fiancée and kinda wish I didn’t. I’ll have to post from my computer (on my phone).


Good.

Now extract yourself from the situation and the accompanying drama. Block them all if you must. It's not your job to prove what you saw, or to be anyone's therapist. Just the facts, ma'am, and goodbye.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> How did you tell her? by what means and what words?
> 
> Perhaps you feel uncomfortable because you feel that you were doing it for the wrong reason.



Long story short, her fiancee didn't believe me. She asked if I was "Shannon." Kayla never mentioned a Shannon, so maybe someone she dated after me, but apparently something happened with her. 

I didn't mean to leave time for any replies from her, but my mom showed up at my door and my geeky butt accidentally press "sent." I told her what I knew and never said I wasn't Shannon- which results in me feeling awful, because now this woman is going to get a bad rap. Her fiancee said she trusts Kayla and they don't want to hear from "Shannon" ever again and not to text message her sister or something- whatever the hell that means. 

So, all that build up to her not believing me, thinking I'm someone else, that someone else getting the bad rap and reliving all this drama I went through years ago. Yay. 

My mom also asked what was bothering me over lunch and I was so upset I told her. I then got a lecture. I'm a 30+ year old woman getting a lecture from her 50+ year old mother about not being a lesson to other people and doing only what's right for me. Double yay. Oh, and an earful about how the fiancee probably already has an inkling that Kayla is cheating just like I did and how we usually ignore that feeling and also I know better to get involved in any form with a narc person (or I should). 

I still feel awful.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Yes I would want to know. I would also make sure Rebecca's husband knows, it may well be a lie that theirs is just a marriage of convenience and either way she is cheating.


This here, I agree with. If I were set to marry someone (or even if I were just seriously involved with them), I would want to know if they were cheating on me. And yes, Rebecca's husband deserves to know, too. This Kayla girl sounds like a real piece of work, and a bullet that you luckily dodged. I'm sorry that you're feeling beat down.

ETA: I just read your last post, and it sounds like you did the right thing and did the best that you could do. It's unfortunate that the fiance doesn't believe you, but kudos to you for trying. She will learn soon that she's being cheated on; cheaters can't hide forever. I'm sorry that your Mom lectured you though; some parents have troubles accepting and respecting their adult kid's boundaries (I have the same issues with my immediate family, to). Hugs!


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

I would absolutely want to know! As a wife, I instantly put myself in the Husband's shoes...I can only imagine how loveless his marriage is since she is hiding her true sexuality. No one deserves to live like that coupled with the cheating. I would send an anonymous message to the Husband and Fiance via Facebook and wash my hands of it.


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