# Concerned Dad



## Dad&HisBoys (Jul 19, 2020)

I’m in a 12 year marriage with an 11 year old son and a 15 month old son. My marriage has been rough since our 11 year old was born. We have had many many fights in 12 years. She wanted a divorce in 2012 because of how miserable our lives were. We ended up putting up with our misery for our son’s sake. I was very skeptical, but she thought that by having another child, that would somehow fix our marriage. Our life was already stressful enough and I didn’t think that adding another stressor was a good idea. I caved in and gave her what she wanted.

Not surprisingly, our marriage still sucks. She has commented that the person I portray myself out in public isn’t the same person at home.This absolutely true. I feel like I can’t be myself at home. I have to be extra careful about what I say or do when I am around her.

If she brings up the idea of divorce again, I will immediately agree to it. I’m not going to fight it. I think my 11 year old will be ok. I worry about my 15 month old, but I guess he may be too young to realize what is going on if a divorce happens.

I am rambling on. Not sure why I am even posting this. I just found this site after a google search. Perhaps this is therapy. My search at 3AM is in response to her kicking me while I was in bed. The baby kept crying and she yelled at him out of frustration. I said “This was what you wanted”, and her verbal/physical outburst towards me was her response.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Dad&HisBoys said:


> Not sure why I am even posting this.


Think carefully, then, about what your question is. You will get all kinds of people here jumping in on all sides of the argument. Think about what input you need. 



Dad&HisBoys said:


> I said “This was what you wanted”,


Why on earth would you say that? Did you think she was blaming you for the baby's crying?


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## Dad&HisBoys (Jul 19, 2020)

That was my response to her yelling out at him. She was frustrated with him waking and crying and that was after I had prepared him some milk and fed him. Btw, for our 11 year old, there were many nights where it was just the two of us at home. I felt like she wasn’t as involved as I was in raising him. That’s a big reason why I was concerned about having another baby, I didn’t want to be the only parent taking care of the baby.


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Do you both work?


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## Dad&HisBoys (Jul 19, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Think about what input you need


Thank you for the forum advice. Again, this, I suppose, is therapy for me.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Why in the world are you waiting for HER to bring up divorce again?!? You sound miserable.


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## Dad&HisBoys (Jul 19, 2020)

Bobbyjo said:


> Do you both work?


Yes. I’m actually a registered nurse who is now teaching nursing students. When we would argue before, I would use my education to justify my points. I realize it didn’t matter what I said, she just didn’t like to hear anything coming from me.


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## Dad&HisBoys (Jul 19, 2020)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Why in the world are you waiting for HER to bring up divorce again?!? You sound miserable.


Good question. I guess with my ethnicity, I don’t want to be viewed as the “bad guy” for initiating a divorce.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Dad&HisBoys said:


> Good question. I guess with my ethnicity, I don’t want to be viewed as the “bad guy” for initiating a divorce.


So "looking good" to others is more important than being happy and showing your boys what happiness looks like in life?


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Dad&HisBoys said:


> Yes. I’m actually a registered nurse who is now teaching nursing students. When we would argue before, I would use my education to justify my points. I realize it didn’t matter what I said, she just didn’t like to hear anything coming from me.


It seems to me that you are feeling disappointed and dissatisfied with your marriage. What is your view of a good mother? What are your expectations of her? How has she not met your expectations?


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## Dad&HisBoys (Jul 19, 2020)

hubbyintrubby said:


> So "looking good" to others is more important than being happy and showing your boys what happiness looks like in life?


Good point.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Dad&HisBoys said:


> Good point.


It's just a thought, brother. I initiated a divorce and had the same worries. I've been in that boat. Don't worry yourself with others' thoughts of you...that is their responsibility, not yours. It's your responsibility to move ahead with action if you feel it's needed and to show your boys that you are a strong, confident, responsible man who can take charge of his own life and happiness when he deems it necessary.


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## Dad&HisBoys (Jul 19, 2020)

Bobbyjo said:


> It seems to me that you are feeling disappointed and dissatisfied with your marriage. What is your view of a good mother? What are your expectations of her? How has she not met your expectations?


Dissatisfied, yes. I see no benefit from being married to her honestly. Seems like she always manages to ruin every special occasion through an argument..anniversaries, holidays, birthdays and vacations. My son and I actually enjoy our shorter outings together without her.

I don’t know what would constitute as being a good mother. She is more involved with our second son, though she is neglecting our oldest son. Her communication to him and to me is more of a constant nag.


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Really 


Dad&HisBoys said:


> Dissatisfied, yes. I see no benefit from being married to her honestly. Seems like she always manages to ruin every special occasion through an argument..anniversaries, holidays, birthdays and vacations. My son and I actually enjoy our shorter outings together without her.
> 
> I don’t know what would constitute as being a good mother. She is more involved with our second son, though she is neglecting our oldest son. Her communication to him and to me is more of a constant nag.


Gee...sounds really frustrating. If you don’t want to share...then it’s ok. But I’m wondering what provokes the arguments and what they’re about? It must be difficult to be living on different pages. The part where you mentioned that she’s caring for your new baby and might be neglecting your oldest isn’t ok, but it’s natural for a new mom to care for her infant and it seems that you spend a lot of nice times with your oldest. It isn’t ideal...but at least it seems to me that your both caring for the kids. Have you told her any of your feelings about this?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You clearly resent the **** out of your wife. I'm getting the vibe that your story and hers would be very different.

If you could fix your marriage and be happy together, would you want to do that? Or is it too late? Think about it.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You have two choices:
1. Fix the marriage you are in.
2. Find a path to coparenting and divorce.
Have you had any recent discussion with her about the relationship and its steady decline?
Is #1 even an option? For you? For her? Are both of you willing to do the work?
If not, you know what you need to do.
Spinning your wheels and resenting the situation you are in is not doing either of you or the kids any good.
The "Good Guy" steps up and tries to save his family, and if he can't, strives to do the best thing for them.
Do you want to be the "Good Guy," or just not look like the "Bad Guy"?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Would marriage counseling help do you think? Would she go? Would YOU??


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Dad&HisBoys said:


> Btw, for our 11 year old, there were many nights where it was just the two of us at home. I felt like she wasn’t as involved as I was in raising him.


Where was she these many nights you and child were left alone?


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