# losing a baby



## phaber6 (Mar 15, 2012)

Anyone here lost a child and then gone on to lose their marriage? Some relationships the experience would bring partners closer together, but not in my case. We lost a little boy, stillborn at 38 weeks, the marriage has limped on for a year since, now wife has left, a bit over two months separated.

There's other factors of course, much fault is mine, she's rightly angry with me for much of it. But it hurts that she tells me that I never wanted our baby in the first place.

I've found the seperation difficult...the empty, quiet flat that I live in, that she's left...finding something of her in every drawer I open, as though she's just stepped out for a moment. Mornings are the worst, the hand that would reach across for me on waking...that sudden sense of panic, huge amounts of guilt, remorse, regret. Realising that at my age I will never now have an intact family unit. Endless restless walking around the park, the therapist talking to me about 'letting go...." Its all awful. 

The evenings are blotted out with painting and wine, I drag myself through the days. Yeah, I know it'll get better with time, but its just too much loss to bear at times. At the moment there is no communication, just this relentless coldness of heart. 

I try not to look back and idealise how it was. I've never had rows with anybody like I've had with her, its been a short unstable marriage...I accept that, we never had the time to try and build something together to shore us up against what fate threw at us. 

Over the course of this marriage I've lost a parent, a son, a wife and now a whole family. I guess we just never had a chance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So sorry to hear of the loss of your child and the problems in your marriage.

How long have you been married? How long ago did you lose your son?

Many years ago I had still born twins. I definately understand the pain that you both are going through. I have read that a huge percentage of marriages do not recover from the loss.

We stayed married for 12 years after the loss, but the marrige died long before that. The loss of the twins as a huge factor.

I changed quite a bit after the loss of our twins. Some of my friends say that I lost my sense of humor. I don't think it's very really come back. Not like it used to be.

I was in very deep emotional pain for a few years after the loss. To make matters worse, every thing went wrong in that pregnancy. I could not have any children after some of the complications. About 4years later we adopted a 10 day old baby boy. He's 23 now and in college. Adopting him was like a light switch for me. It was the cure for most of the pain from the loss.


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## phaber6 (Mar 15, 2012)

Elegirl,

Twins....its something that I'll carry with me for the rest of my life. There's hardly a day when I don't wonder what he would have been like, what he would have done with his life....

In the aftermath I told my wife that the only way I could make any sense of, give any meaning to, that little flicker of life was to make our marriage strong and lasting in memory of his life.

That's whats been ripped away by this....its unbelievably awful.

we had only been married a short time, three years, eight months, lost our son Feb 2011. I've felt her growing away from me for the past six months. But the end came suddenly, out of blue, tho I guess looking back the signs were there. The regret I have for not getting the help I needed before it was too late is immense, but I'll have to live with that one....there's no going back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

We were married less than 2 years when I lost the twins. 

I can just feel the deep sorrow and depression in your words. 

Did the two of you get any couseling for this? We went to a support group for a while. It helped me.. not us.

Do you think that you are depressed? You might want to see a doctor to see about some antidepressents or a while to help you through this. They do not numb you. They just make it easier to handle what you are going through.. and it's a lot.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

phaber6 said:


> Elegirl,
> 
> Twins....its something that I'll carry with me for the rest of my life. There's hardly a day when I don't wonder what he would have been like, what he would have done with his life....


I go through the same thing. I have 3 neices who were born the same summer that I lost my twins. When I see them, in so many ways I see what my twin daughters would have been. It can make it hard.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I am so sad for both of you! 

I had a miscarriage years ago with an ex. I'd only learned I was pregnant about a week before, so it was very early on. I know the pain I felt then, and the anger I had against my ex, who never really seemed to feel anything for the loss, even though he went through it with me, (it happened during a camping trip hundreds of miles away from home). I remember wanting to stay up all night because I was afraid if I went to sleep, I would never wake up... And this was many, many hours into quite a physically painful episode. He nodded off despite my tears and pleading - I never felt so alone in all my life. 

I stayed with him for a few more years after that, but I could never wrap my mind around how he was so excited, how he hoped it was a little girl - how he couldn't wait to tell his family, (which we planned to do upon returning from our trip). He had just been so enthusiastic about it - and when it was gone - there was nothing. He didn't mourn it like I did. At least not openly. And I hated him for not packing up and taking me to a hospital, or at least staying up with me... So, while my experience is pretty different from what the two of you are talking about, (and again, I'm sorry  Being 37 weeks pregnant right now, your stories really pull at my heart); the bottom line was I could never really let go of my resentment. By the time I left him there was so much more - but that was always the huge thing I carried around with me for years... The thing I was never allowed to talk about. I think it really divided us, because from that point on our relationship was downhill after that.

I apologize if that was drawn out and irrelevant. I felt compelled to respond...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Princess, your post is definately relevant. A miscarriage can be devastating.

I had one of those as well. When I had it my husband drove me to the hospital. The car ride was horrible. It made the pain much worse. So from that perspective maybe not having to drive from the mountains to the hospital might not have been a good thing to go through.
Hopefully you did get to the doc after that though.
People process grief and loss differently. He might not have had the time to really formulate in this mind that there was a real baby. For women I think we are more attached more quickly to the baby because it’s inside of us. We are experiencing a lot of changed in pregnancy. Men can only watch from the outside. It must be very frustrating for them sometimes... like watching a party but not being invited.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Ele I think you're right - he probably did mourn in his own way, but that way was to forbid me from talking about it, and he would become angrier throughout our final years - he'd gotten into drugs and had become violent. I never put any of this together, but it seems now that may have been the beginning of the end, for so many reasons. I remember spending so much time feeling lost, confused and uncertain until the day I left him. I still harbor so much resentment and hate towards him for what he didn't do - and later what he did do... To me he'd just appeared heartless and selfish...

In the end, I just kept wondering why I'd stayed with someone who could care so little - about me or the very young baby we lost - it definitely ate at me from that point on. I guess deep down, I knew I'd never really feel safe with someone who could treat a crisis like that with so little concern...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phaber6 (Mar 15, 2012)

*Re: losing a baby, losing a marriage*

Men do respond differently....I did. Since it happened I've read a lot about the experiences of others, the majority of accounts talk about the birth of the 'sleeping' child to be beautiful, memorable, meaningful, all the family holding the child amoung them. For me it wasn't like that. We had very little time between believing we were about to have a child and realising we were going to have a funeral. I was angry...the same hospital, I felt, had abandoned my father to his death not a year before, and now they'd failed to care for my son properly, (my wife had been sent home with assurances all was well 24 hours earlier). A year on, heading for divorce, the anger has gone to be replaced with an enormous sadness at the utter loss this has been. I've lived for a year in an apartment with a room where we didn't go much, its had an empty cot filled only by the cards and letters we received, the drawers were full of all the clothes that had been bought, soft toys, a special bear, all waiting for a little boy who never came home. 

I've been devastated by this....I feel that my wife is dealing with it by wiping it away, fresh start over, our marriage is to be discarded as something that just didn't work out, sad, but - hey, you've got to move on. I can't feel that way, but what I feel about it all seems to count for nothing.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Have you tried opening up to her and talking about your feelings and thoughts? Has she expressed any of hers?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phaber6 (Mar 15, 2012)

I don't think my stbxw is interested in how I feel about anything. she's just angry at me. I've had my chance with her and I've blown it, too bad for you. I'm now to be discarded in favour of a brighter newer life which she will achieve quickly. I've been tried out and left behind. Talking to me 'stresses her out', so we're in nc mode at the moment pending mediation to arrive at a property settlement. Under local law we can't be divorced for a year.....I'm struggling, some days better than others, I've gone overnight from being in a marriage, talking about a future, still trying for a family despite the loss...being part of an extended family on her side to this.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Oh, Phaber. My heart just breaks for you. What an incredible amount of loss you are dealing with! Your father, your son, and your wife. Wow. I am just so sorry. I wish I had some word of wisdom to give you....but, it sounds like your wife may be avoiding her pain and hurt by trying to escape her marriage. It really sounds like she could use some counseling.

I remember that my husband would often say to me that talking to me "stresses him out". He avoided conflict, and would lie in order to avoid any sort of conflict. It would give him too much anxiety.

It sort of sounds like your wife needs some help to mentally deal with this loss. Running away isn't the answer. 

But, please know that my heart is going out to you. I am so sorry for ALL your losses.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: losing a baby, losing a marriage*



phaber6 said:


> Men do respond differently....I did. Since it happened I've read a lot about the experiences of others, the majority of accounts talk about the birth of the 'sleeping' child to be beautiful, memorable, meaningful, all the family holding the child amoung them. For me it wasn't like that. We had very little time between believing we were about to have a child and realising we were going to have a funeral. I was angry...the same hospital, I felt, had abandoned my father to his death not a year before, and now they'd failed to care for my son properly, (my wife had been sent home with assurances all was well 24 hours earlier). A year on, heading for divorce, the anger has gone to be replaced with an enormous sadness at the utter loss this has been. I've lived for a year in an apartment with a room where we didn't go much, its had an empty cot filled only by the cards and letters we received, the drawers were full of all the clothes that had been bought, soft toys, a special bear, all waiting for a little boy who never came home.
> 
> I've been devastated by this....I feel that my wife is dealing with it by wiping it away, fresh start over, our marriage is to be discarded as something that just didn't work out, sad, but - hey, you've got to move on. I can't feel that way, but what I feel about it all seems to count for nothing.


When I lost the twins and found out that I could not have any more children I empted our their room and made it a guest room. When we started the divorce process I did not prepare the room for a child again. I just made up a list of everything we would need for a baby and put the shopping list in a drawer.

The first time the social worker who did our home study for the adoption came to our home she asked why we did not have room for a baby set up. I told her that we had been through that before and showed her the shopping list. I told her that the day we found out that we would be adopting a baby we could go out and get everything we needed.

When we got our son we got a call at about 6pm one night asking us to be there at 9 am the next morning to pick up our child. It was the first we had heard that there was a child for us.

I went out and bought a few things.. jus some clothing, a blanket and a car seat. That was it.

The first week our son slept in a dresser drawer that we had on two chairs. He was so cute in that drawer!!

Then shortly after that between the stuff we got and that everyone brought us for the baby we had too much baby stuff..


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## phaber6 (Mar 15, 2012)

jpr - thanks for your words, it helps.

The only way I can make sense of all of this is to try and make something out of it. To try and find some wisdom, a better degree of self knowledge, to use the isolation I experience as time to make something new. I've always wanted to paint. Now I paint everyday, I want to make work that can stand in memory of my lost son.

My wife's response is something I can take no responsibility for. Recently I've become aware of the BPD thing. This has staggered me, it just fits how it our marriage has been. I've used that phrase 'walking on eggshells' so many times in talking about our marriage. The anger, the super intensity of the relationship, the coldness of the detachment, its all there. It helps me better understand what has happened.


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## phaber6 (Mar 15, 2012)

elegirl,

I think you did the right thing. I lived with that empty baby's room for a year, I couldn't look at the photo's of him...still have it all in my mind, there's stuff there that no parent should ever have to see. I'll never forget sitting at the kitchen table opposite my wife trying over and over again to write something for the funeral. I wanted to go on to make a better marriage to make sense of it all, now that's gone too....the only place the three of us will be together is in name only on his grave...that really hurts.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I suspect that my husband also has some sort of personality disorder. He just started some pretty intensive therapy...I think he is seeing a cognitive psychologist and a psychiatrist. His affair partner is actually his former graduate student. He is a psychology professor, and I feel like his graduate student served as a make-shift counselor for him for the past year or so. 

We have a 14 month old son, and my husband went into a weird phase when I was pregnant and after I had my son. He just got really really selfish, and started having this emotional affair with his student. When I was pregnant, he would act like his life was about to end because he figured he would have to give up playing video games and sleeping in late once our baby was born. It was weird, he wasn't excited really. ...even though we had struggled with infertility for several years, and we were finally blessed with this amazing gift--my husband could only think of himself and how his life was going to change. He had extreme mood swings. (He has always been a very moody person). 

So, I guess it is good that he is getting mental help...at least this might help him in his next relationship....he has already made it quite clear that he does not love me (and he told me that he never really did love me).

But, one thing I have learned--it does no good to try to sit and figure out our estranged spouses. We shouldn't spend our time and energy trying to understand them. We need to just take care of ourselves.

...as a side note...a friend of mine carried her son to full term even though she knew he had no chance of survival outside of the womb. (His skull was not fully formed). I remember her saying that, in the light of eternity, there is very little difference between 7 minutes and 70 years. Your little boy knows that you are his dad, and that you loved him for the brief time that he was with you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

phaber6 said:


> I don't think my stbxw is interested in how I feel about anything. she's just angry at me. I've had my chance with her and I've blown it, too bad for you. I'm now to be discarded in favour of a brighter newer life which she will achieve quickly. I've been tried out and left behind. Talking to me 'stresses her out', so we're in nc mode at the moment pending mediation to arrive at a property settlement. Under local law we can't be divorced for a year.....I'm struggling, some days better than others, I've gone overnight from being in a marriage, talking about a future, still trying for a family despite the loss...being part of an extended family on her side to this.


When a baby dies it's hard to know who to blame because usually no one is to blame. So it's often the spouse who become the scape goat. I would bet that is what is going on.

You need to find a way now to move beyond this. I know it's hard but you can do this. So what are you doing to move on?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

phaber6 said:


> elegirl,
> 
> I think you did the right thing. I lived with that empty baby's room for a year, I couldn't look at the photo's of him...still have it all in my mind, there's stuff there that no parent should ever have to see. I'll never forget sitting at the kitchen table opposite my wife trying over and over again to write something for the funeral. I wanted to go on to make a better marriage to make sense of it all, now that's gone too....the only place the three of us will be together is in name only on his grave...that really hurts.


I have photos of the twins along with other paperwork, cards, etc. There are "birth certificates" for each of them with their foot prints on certificates. I seldom look at any of it. It's just there.

I too have problems looking at the photos... even after all these years.


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## phaber6 (Mar 15, 2012)

elegirl....moving on, I really don't know what to do at the moment. Its just a day at a time. Being so socially isolated limits the options enormously. I have a son from a previous relationship, so I'm trying to be as good a father as I can, I have a better relationship with him than I probably deserve. His existance has been a big factor in the breakdown of my marriage, the x never accepted him, tried to push him out of sight. I refused to abandon him, feel I've had to make a choice in many ways.

I can't see myself in another relationship at the moment, this last one has really hammered me with its intensity, its extreme highs and lows. The last few years have left me really exhausted....


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Phaber6, your story is so sad. The fact that you feel so deeply now means that you are still alive inside -- that will allow you to also deeply feel joy and love in the future. I hope you get that soon.

I remember hearing a man talking on NPR about the miscarriage his wife had had many years before. It wasn't anyone famous, just someone telling their story. Even after all those years, he was still choked up talking about it. That shook me so much, I remember stopping in my tracks just to listen to him. All I could do was hope that if there's a God, he'd help them stay together. 

My theory is that many marriages fall apart when adversity strikes, and one partner fight the other, rather than both partners fighting the adversity together. The death of my baby sister shortly after her birth started my parents' marriage falling apart. I've seen the same thing happen with financial troubles, one partner's health problems, a job loss, etc. I wonder why it's so hard for people to see themselves doing it in time to stop it.


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## phaber6 (Mar 15, 2012)

....yeah well, I've learnt a lot of hard lessons out of all of this. Its really struck me the number of people who've experienced what happened to us. The number of people who have had it happen to someone close to them....about 1 birth in about 140 is a stillbirth. Its never spoken about, recognised....it makes a lot of people very uncomfortable, you're the embodiment of their worst fears. Standing in the supermarket queue, the checkout girl is asking me "...baby yet?". I told her, the whole queue goes quiet and they all watch you go out the exit. The guy at work who asks after the '...little fella', he didn't look me in the eye for weeks after. Others try to tell you that it was probably for the best....the hardest thing is the assumption that the baby was some sort of deformed thing and it was better that way....he wasn't, he was perfect in every way....just still, limp. It was awful.

Then to go on and lose your wife as well has just been the utter end. Totally rock bottom place to be. I'm appalled by her cruelty, the cold refusal to try and overcome our problems and try to get to a better place. She has held me responsible for the loss, that I didn't want him. Not true,...I feared for him, I'm an older father, I felt there was so much that could go wrong. All my worst fears came true. It happened.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

phaber6 said:


> elegirl....moving on, I really don't know what to do at the moment. Its just a day at a time. Being so socially isolated limits the options enormously. I have a son from a previous relationship, so I'm trying to be as good a father as I can, I have a better relationship with him than I probably deserve. His existance has been a big factor in the breakdown of my marriage, the x never accepted him, tried to push him out of sight. I refused to abandon him, feel I've had to make a choice in many ways.
> 
> I can't see myself in another relationship at the moment, this last one has really hammered me with its intensity, its extreme highs and lows. The last few years have left me really exhausted....


You are a good father for not allowing your ex to push you into abandoning your son. Good for you!!You certainly do not seem ready for another relationship or even to date. 

For right now moving on for you might mean doing some really special things with your son. 

Do things to make friends. Is there a sport you like? Join a team. 

If there is some charity you are interested in, get involved in that.

I know it's hard. I'm actually in a similar situation right now.... need to get on with my life. It's not easy. I'm looking for things to do where there are people who I might make friends with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

phaber6 said:


> ....yeah well, I've learnt a lot of hard lessons out of all of this. Its really struck me the number of people who've experienced what happened to us. The number of people who have had it happen to someone close to them....about 1 birth in about 140 is a stillbirth. Its never spoken about, recognised....it makes a lot of people very uncomfortable, you're the embodiment of their worst fears. Standing in the supermarket queue, the checkout girl is asking me "...baby yet?". I told her, the whole queue goes quiet and they all watch you go out the exit. The guy at work who asks after the '...little fella', he didn't look me in the eye for weeks after. Others try to tell you that it was probably for the best....the hardest thing is the assumption that the baby was some sort of deformed thing and it was better that way....he wasn't, he was perfect in every way....just still, limp. It was awful.
> 
> Then to go on and lose your wife as well has just been the utter end. Totally rock bottom place to be. I'm appalled by her cruelty, the cold refusal to try and overcome our problems and try to get to a better place. She has held me responsible for the loss, that I didn't want him. Not true,...I feared for him, I'm an older father, I felt there was so much that could go wrong. All my worst fears came true. It happened.


A friend of mine told mine, trying to make me feel better, told me that the still birth of the twins was probably for the better because twins are hard and would have just ruined my life. :scratchhead:

I never could talk to her again.


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## phaber6 (Mar 15, 2012)

elegirl,

....dating, another relationship, no way could I look at that at the moment. The psych I'm seeing keeps wanting me to talk about what I'd be looking for in another, better, relationship. Can't answer that one....maybe someone warmer, X nicked the 'Ice Queen' by a friend's partner. Very beautiful woman, but a ton of anger in there which not a lot of people get to see...few see past the surface with her. 

My son's presence has always been a source of tension, I'm bitterly accused of hiding the true extent of my involvement with him. This is hard, I've had to build a whole new relationship with him since I started this marriage, so its different. My marriage has been for half his life, he's grown into a whole individual person in that time. There's no way I could abandon a child...yet it seemed to be expected. I was praying for the baby to be okay so that we could be a family and this tension be resolved. But as it didn't happen....I feel that the marriage breakup is punishment for having kept my first child in my life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

phaber6 said:


> My son's presence has always been a source of tension, *I'm bitterly accused of hiding the true extent of my involvement with him.* This is hard, I've had to build a whole new relationship with him since I started this marriage, so its different. My marriage has been for half his life, he's grown into a whole individual person in that time. There's no way I could abandon a child...yet it seemed to be expected. I was praying for the baby to be okay so that we could be a family and this tension be resolved. But as it didn't happen....I feel that the marriage breakup is punishment for having kept my first child in my life.


Can you elaborate on the underlined part please?


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

*Re: losing a baby, losing a marriage*



EleGirl said:


> When I lost the twins and found out that I could not have any more children I empted our their room and made it a guest room. When we started the divorce process I did not prepare the room for a child again. I just made up a list of everything we would need for a baby and put the shopping list in a drawer.
> 
> The first time the social worker who did our home study for the adoption came to our home she asked why we did not have room for a baby set up. I told her that we had been through that before and showed her the shopping list. I told her that the day we found out that we would be adopting a baby we could go out and get everything we needed.
> 
> ...



Oh my gosh Ele our historys are so similar. During my first marriage, I tried so very hard to get pregnant and we went through 8 years of fertility treatments and such. I finally got pregnant and carried until I was 26 weeks then went in to premature labor. I was airvac'd to a hospital with an NICU, they tried to keep my beautiful little girl from coming early but at 28 weeks she was born. She lived three weeks...
10 mths after we got a call from the adoption agency that they had a little boy for us and could we be there the next day? I couldnt believe they were letting me walk out with this tiny little baby....I kept waiting for someone to stop me and say it was all a mistake. He's 15 now and a great young man.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

phabar I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. I'm so glad that you do have your son and it sounds like a good relationship with him as I know my boys are sometimes the only thing getting me through the rough days.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: losing a baby, losing a marriage*



melissa68 said:


> Oh my gosh Ele our historys are so similar. During my first marriage, I tried so very hard to get pregnant and we went through 8 years of fertility treatments and such. I finally got pregnant and carried until I was 26 weeks then went in to premature labor. I was airvac'd to a hospital with an NICU, they tried to keep my beautiful little girl from coming early but at 28 weeks she was born. She lived three weeks...
> 10 mths after we got a call from the adoption agency that they had a little boy for us and could we be there the next day? I couldnt believe they were letting me walk out with this tiny little baby....I kept waiting for someone to stop me and say it was all a mistake. He's 15 now and a great young man.


While your loss it so sad, I'm glad to hear that you have a wonderful 15 year old now. It is an amazing experience to have such a little life entrusted in you, isn't it?


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

my sister and her husband lost their 9 month old daughter years ago, and came close to splitting, but are doing very well today--she said because they both wanted to make it work. i'm very sorry for your loss.


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## phaber6 (Mar 15, 2012)

elegirl,

...bitterly accused of hiding the true extent of my involvement with my oldest son. (I always make it clear that I have two sons). When I met my stbxw I was separated, living under the one roof temorarily until this place became vacant. Separate bedrooms, separate lives....sufficiently separate for me to be able to go out at night to meet up with people. At that time my ex partner was quietly out looking for a house to buy herself. My son was five and very much in her care.

Events moved quickly. I had to move out if I wanted to see the woman who became my wife. This I did. Visiting arrangements were put in place for my son and I saw him regularly on that basis. My stbxw understood them, she had an undertaking from me that was the extent of the contact. She was obviously comfortable enough with that to get into a marriage with me. He attended our wedding.

After we were married she pushed me hard to reduce the amount of time I saw him each week. Reluctantly I did so, seeing him for single occasion each week. I'd compromised unhappily. Her atttitude to him was inconsistent, virtually ignoring him on most occasions, yet suddenly deciding to attend his school functions on others. She told me once that she wished he 'didn't exist'. 

I felt that the problem would be overcome, be easier once we had a child of our own. My son was so excited at the possibility of a sibling. Our child died. 

This point on my son became, I felt, a progressively harder issue for obvious reasons. Increasingly I felt that she wanted me to make a choice between the two of them. And if I wouldnt then the choice could well be made for me. Which it now has.

Over time too he grew up, it happens....our relationship changed and developed. I've been away from him for half his life now, of course your parenting has to change.

Increasingly tho I've been accused of hiding my involvement with him, she cant see or accept that my involvement has naturally developed...and, yes, I've turned more to him in the wake of losing our baby. He will now be my only surviving child. I love him very much, I'm proud of him and grateful for the quality of our relationship. He's one of the few positives in my current situation. I can now have his picture on the table in bedroom, my wife wouldn't have allowed it before.

An additional problem has been my mother in law (stbxmil I guess). Her assumption was that she would 'adopt' him as a grandson on our marriage. This wouldnt be tolerated by my wife, I put her wishes first and there was never any direct contact there, turns out this has been resented by the stbxmil who has thus joined the chorus against my 'concealment'.

Obviously I've written at some length about this, its been quite an issue for us. I could not abandon him, I've tried to find a compromise situation and paid the price. Incidentally, a previous partner of my wife did in fact abandon a child to be with her. 
She readily admits that this shaped her expectations of my situation. My stbxw now firmly states her rejection of mixed families. There's no room for negotiation on that one then....


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## phaber6 (Mar 15, 2012)

cabbage 65,

Through all of this I've believed that perhaps the only thing worse than losing a child to stillbirth would be lose them after birth. Truly terrible, the times I'd chk on my oldest son's breathing when he was a baby....just to make sure he was okay. My heart really goes out to those who lose children to cot death etc.

I think I've written above about how the only way I could give any meaning to his existance was to overcome all our difficulties and go on to create a long and loving marriage in his memory. My wife has chosen to reject this, its a cause of real sadness to me. Our problems were great, she used to say that together we were bigger than our problems. I guess she changed her mind.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I am just so sorry, Phaber. My heart aches for you.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

*Re: losing a baby, losing a marriage*



EleGirl said:


> While your loss it so sad, I'm glad to hear that you have a wonderful 15 year old now. It is an amazing experience to have such a little life entrusted in you, isn't it?


I feel so blessed yes. I actually adopted my two older boys...15 and 13 now both at birth and then with my stbxh I got pregnant and against all odds have the most beautiful little boy who is 4 now.


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