# Feeling Lost



## JMH1983333 (Jul 11, 2019)

I’m a married female in my 30s. No kids, but my husband found out he has a kid from a relationship prior to us dating. I’m trying to cope and don’t know how. There’s a lot on my mind and I have no one to talk to. I’ve tried discussing it with him, but it’s hard for him to understand.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

JMH1983333 said:


> I’m a married female in my 30s. No kids, but my husband found out he has a kid from a relationship prior to us dating. I’m trying to cope and don’t know how. There’s a lot on my mind and I have no one to talk to. I’ve tried discussing it with him, but it’s hard for him to understand.


I'm so sorry. What are you feeling about it? Have the two of you been wanting to have children? What is your husbands attitude toward this news compared to yours? There are so many emotions you could be experiencing right now.


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## JMH1983333 (Jul 11, 2019)

I also forgot to mention that my husband feels like being a dad is his calling. Sometimes he gets so depressed when his kid isn't around that our sex life suffers because he's not there mentally.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I suggest you go and see a counselor to talk through your feelings. I think many of your feelings are entirely understandable but so are his. The issue I would have is the inclusion of the OW and her other son in the activities with your H. He needs to start drawing boundaries.
Once you have a fairer grasp of your feelings and where the boundaries should be and what you should rightfully expect of your H then sit him down and tell him how you feel, how it is damaging your relationship and that there have to be clearer boundaries about spending time, spending money etc.
If he refuses to hear you then it does not auger well for your marriage and you really have to consider your options, as if he refuses to be influenced by you in this matter then it could lead to all sorts of problems, even an affair.
Of course he is excited about now being in the life of his son, but he must remember he made a covenant with you. If he does not want to honor it then tell him you are out.The more you let him away with the more he will take you for granted.


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## JMH1983333 (Jul 11, 2019)

Thank you for the response aine. I’ve shared a lot of feelings with my husband regarding the mom and other kid. The half-brother hardly has a relationship with his dad who is out of the picture and is affected by this, so my husband feels obligated to take on that kid too rather than separating the kids and making one feel left out. I’m trying to be understanding and have the WWJD approach. As far as the mom, my husband grew up with divorced parents who always stayed friends. He said it just made their family bigger, so doesn’t find anything wrong with being friends with the mom and having her there for every vacation and family get together. He said he just doesn’t want any drama, but I feel like his attempt at no drama is causing drama. I just feel invaded. If it wasn’t for this, my husband and I are great together. I guess I’m hoping to see how others would respond in my situation. Is my husband being too friendly on his end and needs to scale back to find middle ground or do I just need to learn to cope with what’s happening? Is he right or wrong for saying he isn’t ready for a baby right now? I’m afraid suggesting a marriage counselor, especially so soon in our marriage. I fear it will open a whole other can of worms.


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## hptessla (Jun 4, 2019)

JMH1983333 said:


> Thank you for the response aine. I’ve shared a lot of feelings with my husband regarding the mom and other kid. The half-brother hardly has a relationship with his dad who is out of the picture and is affected by this, so my husband feels obligated to take on that kid too rather than separating the kids and making one feel left out. I’m trying to be understanding and have the WWJD approach. As far as the mom, my husband grew up with divorced parents who always stayed friends. He said it just made their family bigger, so doesn’t find anything wrong with being friends with the mom and having her there for every vacation and family get together. He said he just doesn’t want any drama, but I feel like his attempt at no drama is causing drama. I just feel invaded. If it wasn’t for this, my husband and I are great together. I guess I’m hoping to see how others would respond in my situation. Is my husband being too friendly on his end and needs to scale back to find middle ground or do I just need to learn to cope with what’s happening? Is he right or wrong for saying he isn’t ready for a baby right now? I’m afraid suggesting a marriage counselor, especially so soon in our marriage. I fear it will open a whole other can of worms.


Wow!
When I first read the initial post I was leaning toward a lot of judgemental thoughts...but the fact is that you have a complex situation AND it seems as if everyone is fairly willing (at this point) to be reasonable. Everyone does seem to have different ideas of what is reasonable but they don't seem too, too far apart. I'm wondering if some type of counseling that includes everyone wouldn't be a good idea? I don't know if such a thing exists but it seems like there is a common understanding that this child deserves a father and that the father deserves his child. That seems like it can be worked out with some compromises.

You also have the grandparents. They not only have a legitimate stake in this, in many states they also have rights in this type of situation. From my personal experience with my parents and sibling's children the child also probably wants to see the grandparents. In my parent's and my sister's case it was the grandchild that thawed out a 13 year shutout of both sides. Children can be a good thing...remind your husband of his feelings on that growing up.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Tell your H you feel excluded and now he is having 'kids' with another woman, it makes you feel that he doesn't want any with you. As @hptessia says it might be better to get someone to help you both process the feelings and lay out a plan of action with clear boundaries and time frames. 
If he is not willing to, then you do it for yourself and really consider whether you should stay with this man.
There are also legal ramifications to be considered. If he is spending money on them as a family, this must be discussed with you, it is only but right.


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