# My Wife Has Feelings for Another Man and it is Eating Me Up!!!



## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

My wife and I have been together over 5 years and in the last 6 months our relationship became _very_ strained. Even though we lacked connection, I never wanted a relationship with another woman. However, I was sexually frustrated and pondered often of cheating just to satiate this desire. On a single occasion I briefly become intimate with another woman, but the guilt was too overwhelming for me to actually have sex with her. Regardless, at this point I did cheat on my wife. 

Around the same time my wife was being courted by another man, they met, they were intimate, but my wife swears they didn't have sex. After both of our infidelities being put on the table we decided that we really want to make our marriage work. 

Here is my problem, she was reluctant to call him to definitively let him know that it was over and that they could not engage each other ever again. It took weeks of her tap-dancing and my arm-twisting before she finally made the call. I felt like she couldn't possibly be sincere in this marriage while keeping the back door open for this man. Then after she said she called him to make things clear, she came home rather _down_, seemingly *sad*, almost depressed like someone killed her dog. Honestly, I love this woman with all my heart, but at the same time I question how smart it is to be fully invested in a marriage where my wife has strong affections for another man...let alone my emotions cannot take it...

Sorry this is so long...but I am really conflicted and wanted to make sure you got the gist of my problems...

Thoughts??? Anyone experienced anything like this???


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

She's in withdrawal from her other man. You need to monitor her and make sure she maintains no contact. There's a chance she will try to contact him again. How exactly are you guys trying to make the marriage work? What steps are you taking? What boundries are you setting for yourselves? What are you doing now that you haven't been doing the past 5 years or vice versa?


Love your name by the way.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Jasel said:


> She's in withdrawal from her other man. You need to monitor her and make sure she maintains no contact. There's a chance she will try to contact him again. How exactly are you guys trying to make the marriage work? What steps are you taking? What boundries are you setting for yourselves? What are you doing now that you haven't been doing the past 5 years or vice versa?
> 
> 
> Love your name by the way.


Greetings Jasel...

Yes, her contacting him again is exactly what I am afraid of. At the same time I feel like if I need to monitor her then I don't trust her and therefore I need not be with someone I cannot trust.

We are actively working on our _connection_ through techniques we've learned in counseling and just our talks with each other. Also, we are actively working on conflict resolution. In the past we would let things fester but now we are nipping them in the bud as things come up which has certainly made us both feel closer to each other and more secure in our relationship.

Boundaries?...not sure. We both are restricted from carrying on extraneous communications with the opposite sex outside of businesses, family, or our particular interests.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If you are both truly committed to saving this marriage, then you will both do WHATEVER IT TAKES to do so.

Yes, you may very well have to verify her behavior-it is said that it could take between 2-5 years for the betrayed spouse to recover from the affair, and even if she does recommit 110% to the marriage, you will ALWAYS have it in the back of your mind that she could very well betray you again. Marriage counseling could help here.

And remember, that affair was like a drug to her-she is going to have to withdraw from it, and it may take awhile for her to totally get him out of her system. Even if she never talks to him again, she is going to have to "withdraw". Please be patient, and again, go to MC.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your protecting your self from furthure deciet and protecting your emotions from additional pain by confirming her commitment to the marriage.
So continue to investigate like any other person that has an investment...emotional or other wise!

Again, trust is earned and in the same breath you owe it to your self to protect your self.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> .
> Yes, her contacting him again is exactly what I am afraid of. At the same time I feel like if I need to monitor her then I don't trust her and therefore I need not be with someone I cannot trust.


You CAN'T trust her. What you are working on is getting to the point that you can trust her again. It's a long process.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its only a long process if your old lady keeps phucking up. If she can get her sh1t together the sooner she can earn your trust, but in the same breath you have to validate the trust she is trying to earn.

In my case, once I became a memeber of the cheater police, I was able to trust but verify. 

How can you trust without confirmation? 

Its the blind trust that got many of us in trouble in the 1st place!

Granted we did nothing wrong by trusting our spouse, but the reality is there are consequences for our spouses action and if that said spouse wants to stick around then that consequence is the heavy lifting they want to do to earn the trust back and prevent them from being kicked to the curb.

The way I see it, its our wayward spouses that made this mess by sleeping around, and its up to them to do what it takes to keep the marriage or get the phuck out. They broke it (trust) they can fix it, but I'll be dambed if I ever have that blind trust again...again another consequence the wayward can face or move on....cuz were I sitting, I have no problem letting my old lady go if she doesn't want to do the heavy lifting in *earning* that trust back no matter how I see fit! But thats just me, I'm wired different then most. I let her go long time ago!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Kids ?


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Kids ?


Yes, 2 boys.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Okay, I was a guy who was emotionally involved with a girl. Got it? So, I am NOT a BS. I know what is going on in her head...and in yours, because I have also been FULLY tempted to get a quick FVCK from a freely (or at least cheaply) available chick.

First...your wife is not seeing herself as the only bad guy here. YOU had your fingers where they didn't belong, so get off your high horse here.

Now...granted, you aren't saying you are guilt free, you are asking how YOU help HER get over HER issue.

So, here is one way you are luckier than she is: your OW is nothing to you. Make sure you explain that to your wife in ways she believes (women are shocked and frequently disgusted that a man can do one of the most intimate things in their universe with scarcely more thought than scratching a persistant itch on one's back).

BUT SHE ISN'T. She is TOTALLY wound up around this guy...just like I was my friend. Not so much that I thought she was perfection, but that we had shared a good bit of emotion.

BUT THAT RELATIONSHIP IS A LIE. See...with you, there were ups AND downs. With the OM, there were likely only ups. They didn't have time for those irritating habits to come up, or for him to fail her big time (and likewise!) So this is a bit of an unfair comparison.

So...without rancor, point out these facts to her. Her head will hear it...and eventually it will trickle down to her heart...one hopes.

As far as boundaries: Tell her that you will give her any password, phone log or answer any question she has honestly about anything that happens to you.

You want the same from her. Tell her that you understand that she misses this guy like hell. That it hurts her to even be reminded of him. That they had their cute little songs and jokes between each other and hearing that will be painful. Ask her about these things. What was their song? What was that funny thing he said to her? She wont' want to initially share this, but when she does, it isn't Hers and His...it becomes something NOT private. (I experienced this with my wife recently. I gave her the song that my friend sent me. She teased me gently (but painfully about it...but now that song isn't a trigger for me anymore)

She HAS to be willing to show that she is no longer in contact with him. Ask...but not often. Ask for her word of honor to tell you if he tries to get in touch with her. I had to do the same with my wife...and I willingly did so.

Now...what to expect. She will hate you. You are taking her chocolate sundae with extra sauce away from her...and dashing it on the ground! She will resent this greatly! I gave a one in ten chance of my wife and I fixing it...and told her if we didn't make it, I'd be on the first flight to go back to see my friend (Yes, I ACTUALLY said that. I feel...horrible about that...NOW!)

Even three months after our R, I wasn't particularly sexually interested in my wife...though after many HARSH conversations, we were communicating better. Six months and my wife was close to calling it quits from frustration. But by 8 months...I started to see things clearer. Last October, I was smiling happily when thinking about my wife.

It takes TIME for this to fall out!

Boundaries:

1) NO contact.

2) Have her promise that she seperate and divorce you BEFORE she resumes an relationship with this person. (My wife demanded the same)

3) IF she slips up AND CONFESSES, you guys talk it out. If she starts sneaking around, it is tantamount to her applying for Rule 2: Immediate seperation and divorce.

4) YOU NEED TO MEAN THESE RULES. My wife, who is NOT perfect, but pretty good, always used to threaten divorce. I told her that if she did that again, I'd draw up the papers. Of course she did...(she's human). I started packing. THAT SIMPLE! She backtracked PRETTY FRIGGING FAST...and if you show some actual backbone, so will she...unless she wants out.

Hope this helps.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

JCD said:


> Boundaries:
> 
> 1) NO contact.
> 
> ...


:iagree: It has to be like this. As is so often said here, you have to be willing to lose the marriage to have a chance at reconciliation. If she wants to keep in contact with this guy, then you show her the divorce papers and the door.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You cheated on each other. Couple's counselling might be useful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Wow JCD...that was great. I really appreciate your perspective. I think we have all of that covered except I didn't explicitly state that resuming any such contact with this person (or another man) is grounds for immediate divorce.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

PreRaphaelite said:


> :iagree: It has to be like this. As is so often said here, you have to be willing to lose the marriage to have a chance at reconciliation. If she wants to keep in contact with this guy, then you show her the divorce papers and the door.


That is interesting and true. I guess you don't really _have_ anything unless you are willing to lose it and you witness that it comes back to you and stays...


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

JCD said:


> First...your wife is not seeing herself as the only bad guy here. YOU had your fingers where they didn't belong, so get off your high horse here.


Hey JCD...I just thought I'd add that I don't see myself in any morally higher position than my wife. In many ways I know that my behavior even pushed her to another man in some respects. I just think it has more detrimental effects when you are emotionally attached to another person outside your marriage rather than mere cheating.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> Wow JCD...that was great. I really appreciate your perspective. I think we have all of that covered except I didn't explicitly state that resuming any such contact with this person (or another man) is grounds for immediate divorce.


No. Not ANY contact. What if he calls her? She is not responsible for his actions.

Say she has a brief relapse BUT she feels horrible about it and confesses? You use that as more information but don't necessarily pull the trigger (people sometimes make mistakes)

BUT...if she decides to go underground and try to have both...she'll be making a choice.

My wife and I have frequently told one another after this latest tiff that any infidelity on the other's part would be grounds. No chances.

I'm not giving her a bite at the apple for revenge. She won't tolerate any more shinnanigans from me.

Simple.


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## Flowers (Feb 5, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> Hey JCD...I just thought I'd add that I don't see myself in any morally higher position than my wife. In many ways I know that my behavior even pushed her to another man in some respects. I just think it has more detrimental effects when you are emotionally attached to another person outside your marriage rather than mere cheating.


With this kind of attitude you are definitely heading somewhere. I hope things work out for you. All the best.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

RunFromYourWife said:


> Hey JCD...I just thought I'd add that I don't see myself in any morally higher position than my wife. In many ways I know that my behavior even pushed her to another man in some respects. I just think it has more detrimental effects when you are emotionally attached to another person outside your marriage rather than mere cheating.


I don't think your actions are equal to hers

You stopped it and ended it, you chose to come back.

She on the other hand chose to invest a lot more into her affair and has dragged stopping it. She's also held back telling you everything because she doesn't want to betray the OMs trust and she doesn't want to give you ammo that you might use to harm that relationship.

You've chosen truth and her, she's chosen herself, to protect the affair.

You both should be giving each other complete transparency, share passwords, devices etc. it's not about monitoring its about everything being above board and visible.

And there is no hedging of bets here. Everyone is either 100% in, or the marriage isn't going to work.

You haven't given a good timeline but it sounds like she started the affair first, or has another earlier one, and that created the rift between you that eventually pushed you to where you chose to cheat.

Don't let the fact that you also chose to cheat give her any kind of break on her choice, hold her to high expectations.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

JCD said:


> Okay, I was a guy who was emotionally involved with a girl. Got it? So, I am NOT a BS. I know what is going on in her head...and in yours, because I have also been FULLY tempted to get a quick FVCK from a freely (or at least cheaply) available chick.
> 
> First...your wife is not seeing herself as the only bad guy here. YOU had your fingers where they didn't belong, so get off your high horse here.
> 
> ...


Great post. Bookmarking for future referrence.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

WS/BS chiming in...

IMO, both your transgressions are equal, but she has an emotional attachment to OM and, as such, this will be MUCH harder for her to "let go". My concern would be that your W might take her A underground. 

You should both expect total transparency from one another.

Good luck!


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