# Broken, Confused, and In-love



## ConfusedSpouse070502 (Jun 15, 2021)

I'm not going to pretend that I'm perfect in any way. I know I have many faults contributing to where my husband and I are in our marriage.

January of this year, I recently found out that my husband has been secretively watching porn at work almost 2 to 3 times a week. He has subscribed to several Only fans accounts and used our credit cards. I thought this would be the most devastating thing I heard, but when I asked him why he did it, that hurt even more. He said that he was a guy and that guys were physical and sexual beings. I needed to understand that, and I also needed to realize that as much as he loved me, I wasn't as young or seductive as the women on the screen. He said that he pretended that he was the guy in these videos because I didn't do what they did and that our sex life had become ordinary and routine, which wasn't true. I had been asking for months about wanting to try new things. He went on to say that his friend's wives/girlfriends were open and joined their husbands/boyfriends in watching porn and that he felt I shouldn't have to change and that he shouldn't have to change for anyone. He said that I needed to find somebody who shares the same views and opinions as me because he wouldn't change. I contemplated leaving and moving out. After hearing that, I began calling places and finding a job closer to my family. I think knowing that scared him, and he quickly took back everything he said that day. I love this man for reasons that I don't know, but I know they're there. I forgave him, and instead of being angry, I try to be understanding. I started looking at porn addiction research and ways to cope, and one of the ways was to find a friend to confide in about everyday struggles to minimize that want or need to look at porn. He has friends, but I know that they are not friends that he can really lean on. When I brought up him finding a friend, he said that it was something that he would consider, and we left it at that. I told him that I knew that it was difficult, and if he ever really needed to talk, I was there as his wife and his friend to listen and understand.

Two months after that crazy roller coaster ride this March, I wanted to relieve some of that pressure that he had. So I took on the responsibility of managing and paying the bills. I had logged into our phone account, and he got a notification. I didn't think much of it, and he came home with this look on his face like he wanted to say something. He told me he needed to talk to me, and he assumed that I had seen the phone records and tried to reassure me that the number that I saw repeatedly was just a friend. 

I was in a state of shock; I didn't understand; I didn't know what the relationship was or who she was. It wasn't until the next day that I realize that I had so many questions. When I asked him the nature of the relationship, he said she's just a friend; this friend was the little sister of one of his good friends that he talks to daily.

When I asked to see the conversations, he said he had deleted them. When I last asked how long they had been talking, he said two years. Their "friendship" began two years ago when she called asking if he had spoken to her brother because no one could get ahold of him. He said that they began talking about family and that it just went from there. What I think bothers me the most is that he says that when they first started talking, there was a moment when he told her my wife wouldn't like me talking to you, so I can only message you between eight and five. He deleted all of her messages before he got home. He would confide in her that I was a horrible woman who didn't understand him, who put him down all the time that I was an alcoholic. After my mom died, I did drink a lot, but it was to numb the pain. I was just a sad drunk who would cry herself to sleep. It wasn't something that I expected him to use against me. I scoured social media and found comments they had exchanged and found secret jokes that they shared, a language that they had on their own. My husband also admitted that when he had gone out with his friends, he had FaceTimed and asked her to come over, but he promises that she never did. When I asked him why he said that I was too jealous and that he knew I wouldn't like him talking to her, so that's why he had to hide it for so long.

I felt so compared to other women on a physical and now emotional level. I didn't understand how somebody I wanted to be with and love so much would hurt me this way and actually have the nerve to say the things he said. Maybe it was me analyzing every horrible thing he said about me, but I asked him if this woman had any faults. He stayed silent and refused to answer. I told him that he needed to tell her that he couldn't talk to her anymore. He said he would do it at work because those were the regular hours that they spoke and that he did not want her to know that things were out of the ordinary. Of course, I saw that as entirely unacceptable. I'm not going to allow you to talk to this woman in private; I felt like I had every right to hear what he had to say. After two days of not calling her, I reached for his phone and said I would call her myself. He was so furious he got up, and he pushed me while trying to take away his phone, and I fell back and hit my head on the floor. You would've thought that would've knocked some sense into me, but it didn't. I don't know why but I stayed. I've tried to make sense of everything for the last few months, and I've tried talking to him about it, but he sits there in silence and says nothing. I can cry, be angry, understand, and accept responsibility by saying that I know my behavior pushed him to do these things, but he never talks to me about any of it. I don't understand why he could talk to this woman about his life at home, telling her how unhappy he was, sharing great parts about his day. I know this because I finally got the nerve to message her a few weeks ago on social media. She wrote to me as she knew him better and that she was supportive because he didn't have anyone but her to talk to. She didn't want to go into detail because she said that she forgets everything. He said that I'm the one hurting this relationship because I can't move past it. 

I will admit that I have triggers. I see a beautiful woman with a banging body and right away think that he's going to fantasize about being with her. I see both him and her active on Facebook and wonder if he's talking to her. I feel traumatized and feel like these triggers take me back to a place where I relive every emotion I've felt. I feel broken, and all I've wanted is for him to put me back together, but he won't because I need to that myself. That there is nothing that he can do. 

My question is, what do I do? Last night he got a DWI, and he was out with his friend when it happened. I was the crazy woman calling and taking him clothes and trying to see how I would get him out. He didn't have his phone because I collected his personal items when I went to the jail. I asked my boys to call me as soon as he got home because I was working. He didn't call, but he did message his friends first. He was flaunting his arrest report to his friends when all I wanted was to have an honest conversation about what happened. I wanted to be the first person he called. I feel like I was the only one there, and maybe it was the fact that I hadn't slept in over 24 hours, but I felt so unappreciated. I felt like his friends, and everybody around him is a priority in comparison to me. I have girlfriends that I can talk to you; I choose not to share with my family because he still has to be around them if we work it out. The only thing with talking to friends is that they're such good friends that they try to tell you what you want to hear, so that's why I'm writing this.

The question is, where do I draw the line. Is he right? Do I need to let it go and move on? Do I have to live with never really knowing what happened between him and this woman? 

I need perspective. Did I really push him to do these things? How much of it is my fault, and how much is it his? I want to work this out more than anything, but he makes me feel like the only way to do it is by letting go. I don't know how to let go when I still have so many questions. Does he even love me anymore?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

None of his cheating, lying and deception is your fault, nor is the fact that he has been violent towards you and is emotionally cruel and abusive. Those things he said we're horrible. Drink driving is just disgusting, why did you help him?
I have no idea why you are still there. He isn't going to stop the porn or the affair and he treats you very badly with no remorse.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

I'm sorry your husband lied to you and cheated on you. He made the decision to cheat and hide it and lie to you. It's none of your fault. He started an affair with this woman. Did he end up calling her on the phone in front of you? You say he pushed you and you fell down and your head hit the ground. This is physical abuse. And you are still thinking that it is your fault that he cheated? Cheating is the worst form of deception and the betrayed spouse cannot be blamed, ever, for the cheating. If he had any concerns during the tough period you were going through, he could have offered help, he could have talked to you instead of complaining about you to this woman. That's a betrayal of your trust, and even worse, he is blaming you for his cheating. This is emotional abuse. He doesn't deserve you and he is abusing you in different ways. Look out for yourself and leave. He sounds like a morally-bankrupt man.


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## ConfusedSpouse070502 (Jun 15, 2021)

I didn’t think it was my fault at first, but the more time that passes he had me believing just that. Thank you both for your words. I really needed to read them so that I could validate that I’m not as insensitive as he tries to make me feel. Praying for a day where I won’t want to be with him anymore.


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## ConfusedSpouse070502 (Jun 15, 2021)

coquille said:


> I'm sorry your husband lied to you and cheated on you. He made the decision to cheat and hide it and lie to you. It's none of your fault. He started an affair with this woman. Did he end up calling her on the phone in front of you? You say he pushed you and you fell down and your head hit the ground. This is physical abuse. And you are still thinking that it is your fault that he cheated? Cheating is the worst form of deception and the betrayed spouse cannot be blamed, ever, for the cheating. If he had any concerns during the tough period you were going through, he could have offered help, he could have talked to you instead of complaining about you to this woman. That's a betrayal of your trust, and even worse, he is blaming you for his cheating. This is emotional abuse. He doesn't deserve you and he is abusing you in different ways. Look out for yourself and leave. He sounds like a morally-bankrupt man.


He never did call her. I ended up messaging her myself only to be confronted with her acting like she knew him better. She mentioned to me that she had trouble remembering certain things so she couldn’t answer many of my questions.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Two years talking with her? He’s lying. Trickle truth. You have every right to be upset.
Question: do you still drink?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ConfusedSpouse070502 said:


> I didn’t think it was my fault at first, but the more time that passes he had me believing just that. Thank you both for your words. I really needed to read them so that I could validate that I’m not as insensitive as he tries to make me feel. Praying for a day where I won’t want to be with him anymore.


You felt like that because your H is gaslighting you (look it up).
He's making you believe that YOU are the problem, and not his cheating BS.
Also, for YOUR sake, read up on co-dependency and see if it applies to you. In addition, you should start doing the 180 (The 180) so that you can start detaching from him --- what he's doing is awful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Is not about waiting till you don't want be with him, it's about you making a decision to get away from a man who treats you so badly. He lies abuses and cheats. He has no regret or remorse. He will make you feel worse about your self and next time he may really hurt you physically.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ConfusedSpouse070502 said:


> Does he even love me anymore?


What do his actions tell you? When you love a person you don't treat them the way he treats you. 

How long have you been married and how old are your children?

As for asking if his girlfriend has any faults, what does having a two year relationship with a married man tell you? Plus, it appears she has early onset Alzheimers from her inability to remember short term - lucky him. Let her have him and she can deal with his lying, cheating ass and he can wipe hers when she forgets how.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ConfusedSpouse070502 said:


> The question is, where do I draw the line. Is he right? Do I need to let it go and move on? Do I have to live with never really knowing what happened between him and this woman?
> 
> I need perspective. Did I really push him to do these things? How much of it is my fault, and how much is it his? I want to work this out more than anything, but he makes me feel like the only way to do it is by letting go. I don't know how to let go when I still have so many questions. Does he even love me anymore?


He's been cheating, lying and now turned physically abusive. He's already way over the line where you should be divorcing him. You obviously have your own issues, but they in no way excuse what he has done. I can't say if he loves you anymore or not, but it really doesn't matter. Lots of guys that slap their wives around love them.


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## ConfusedSpouse070502 (Jun 15, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Two years talking with her? He’s lying. Trickle truth. You have every right to be upset.
> Question: do you still drink?


No I don’t drink anymore. I started seeing a counselor to deal with the grief, and stopped drinking soon after.


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## ConfusedSpouse070502 (Jun 15, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> What do his actions tell you? When you love a person you don't treat them the way he treats you.
> 
> How long have you been married and how old are your children?
> 
> As for asking if his girlfriend has any faults, what does having a two year relationship with a married man tell you? Plus, it appears she has early onset Alzheimers from her inability to remember short term - lucky him. Let her have him and she can deal with his lying, cheating ass and he can wipe hers when she forgets how.


We’re actually high school sweethearts, and have been together almost 20 years. We have a 3 boys, 28, 13, 9, and a little girl who is 3.
I think a part of me is holding out for the guy he use to be.


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## ConfusedSpouse070502 (Jun 15, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Is not about waiting till you don't want be with him, it's about you making a decision to get away from a man who treats you so badly. He lies abuses and cheats. He has no regret or remorse. He will make you feel worse about your self and next time he may really hurt you physically.


I know I’m crazy for staying, and even more crazy thinking he’s capable of change. I think I need to look up more codependency like jlg07 mentioned.


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## overrnbw (Jun 16, 2021)

Dang, sorry to read about all this.

He is a cheater, treat him accordingly. If he isn't full of remorse and outlining his plan to turn this around then you guys won't have trust.

Don't believe anything he says, and only half of what he does. He is still spinning from all this and you seem to be too. You need to detach and figure this out.

His actions aren't your fault, he CHOSE them. But you had things you could have done better leading up to this situation (we all do, so don't beat yourself up). So you focus on you and figure out how to be better and stronger for your next relationship.


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## RNSoSo (May 19, 2021)

ConfusedSpouse070502 said:


> We’re actually high school sweethearts, and have been together almost 20 years. We have a 3 boys, 28, 13, 9, and a little girl who is 3.
> I think a part of me is holding out for the guy he use to be.


Hi there! I am sorry you are going through this. I very recently separated from my high school sweetheart. We were together for 15 years (married for 5 years) and we have a 1 year old together. So I feel you in that sense but the guy he used to be is GONE and he is not coming back.


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## ConfusedSpouse070502 (Jun 15, 2021)

RNSoSo said:


> Hi there! I am sorry you are going through this. I very recently separated from my high school sweetheart. We were together for 15 years (married for 5 years) and we have a 1 year old together. So I feel you in that sense but the guy he used to be is GONE and he is not coming back.


I think that’s the hardest thing to accept. He isn’t that guy anymore. I’ve tried giving him everything and he doesn’t seem to care or appreciate any of it. I wish I could wake up one day and not want him. I know he isn’t a good person but I’m struggling to believe that he can change.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ConfusedSpouse070502 said:


> ...he doesn’t seem to care





ConfusedSpouse070502 said:


> I know he isn’t a good person but I’m struggling to believe that he can change.


^^THIS.^^ To begin with, he doesn't care. So you need to ask yourself why you are holding on to WHAT WAS and WHAT IF. It would behoove you to start living in the here and now and to deal with WHAT IS in front of you. The past is gone and you can't get it back.

Your husband is a cheater and a liar. That's what is happening right now. And, to add to that, he got a DWI. Be glad he didn't have the kids in the car with him while he was driving drunk. Heck,, for all I know, he may have a drinking problem too.

Can he change? Sure, if HE wants to. Quit smoking the hopium pipe. I'm sorry you are faced with this, but you need to deal with the reality of the situation. And, from where I'm sitting, the marriage is toast.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ConfusedSpouse070502 said:


> I'm not going to pretend that I'm perfect in any way. I know I have many faults contributing to where my husband and I are in our marriage.
> 
> January of this year, I recently found out that my husband has been secretively watching porn at work almost 2 to 3 times a week. He has subscribed to several Only fans accounts and used our credit cards. I thought this would be the most devastating thing I heard, but when I asked him why he did it, that hurt even more. He said that he was a guy and that guys were physical and sexual beings. I needed to understand that, and I also needed to realize that as much as he loved me, I wasn't as young or seductive as the women on the screen. He said that he pretended that he was the guy in these videos because I didn't do what they did and that our sex life had become ordinary and routine, which wasn't true. I had been asking for months about wanting to try new things. He went on to say that his friend's wives/girlfriends were open and joined their husbands/boyfriends in watching porn and that he felt I shouldn't have to change and that he shouldn't have to change for anyone. He said that I needed to find somebody who shares the same views and opinions as me because he wouldn't change. I contemplated leaving and moving out. After hearing that, I began calling places and finding a job closer to my family. I think knowing that scared him, and he quickly took back everything he said that day. I love this man for reasons that I don't know, but I know they're there. I forgave him, and instead of being angry, I try to be understanding. I started looking at porn addiction research and ways to cope, and one of the ways was to find a friend to confide in about everyday struggles to minimize that want or need to look at porn. He has friends, but I know that they are not friends that he can really lean on. When I brought up him finding a friend, he said that it was something that he would consider, and we left it at that. I told him that I knew that it was difficult, and if he ever really needed to talk, I was there as his wife and his friend to listen and understand.
> 
> ...


You put on your big girl panties and deal with his crossing of your boundaries. What he is doing is lying and cheating, physical and emotional abuse. Are you really that desperate for this POS H that you are willing to become his doormat and put up with his gaslighting and total lack of respect for you?

1. Do a hard 180 on him. If you leave him, it will help you emotionally detach. You sound heavily co-dependent. NO, you do NOT let it go, you ensure he has consequences. He is a liar and a cheat.
2. Start looking for jobs nearer to your family and proceed, regardless of his response, he is only trying to reel you in and have you in a place where he can control you and the narrative. He is minimizing what he has done and normalizing it, so he can continue to treat you like the scumbag he is and keep walking all over your boundaries.
3. You have to be willing to lose this marriage to save it. It sounds counter intuitive, but if you act desperate enough to let him do whatever he wants so you can keep him, he will continue to treat you as a doormat, you are worth more than that. DO NOT let it go, why the hell should you! He is the one who should be on his knees asking for a second chance. if he is not then you are better off without him.
4. Tell him he is welcome to her as you are not putting up with this **** anymore.
5. Tell him to pack his **** and get out
6. Go and see a good lawyer and find out about your rights and obligations and what alimony he would have to pay. Get a lawyer that will tear him to shreds and give him some of his own medicine.
7. Stop cooking, cleaning, laundry, whatever it is you do for him, do nothing. He is caught up in a fantasy world and he needs to be hit with reality.
8. Tell all your family and friends what he is doing, tell them about her too, blow up their world, let his family know too that he is carrying on an emotional affair online for 2 years and maybe even physical. It is not your shame, it is his, your family should know. They will be there to support you. Hiding this is not helping you. When people are held accountable, then they behave. Your and his family knowing will make him accountable. You owe him absolutely no loyalty, he is the one who put a bomb in the marriage. It is called consequences. The novelty of secrecy soon wears off when people are faced with explaining their ****ty behavior to others. He wants to normalize his awful behavior and make it go away. Do not let him. tell everyone about his affair, his abuse, his drinking and driving, all of it. Why would you cover for this sack of ****.
9. Do not communicate with the OW, she is a **** to try and steal another woman's H, do not lower yourself to her level
10. He got a DWI, let him suffer the consequences, why on earth are you cleaning up this POS's mess, seriously girl you need to take back your self-esteem and stop being used.
11. Is he the father of your kids? How old are your kids? Do you want them to see you being disrespected so much. What are you teaching them?


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