# I had several affairs, now my wife has. Help.



## efrank85 (Jun 8, 2011)

So, 2 1/2 months ago my wife found out I was involved in a very bad affair that went on for 9 months, along with a pregnancy, which is really why it went on so long. Durring the pregnancy I lost touch and went into deep depression. I stayed with the woman because it was the only place I felt safe. I was so confused and lost. During the pregnancy I was manipulated by the woman I was seeing and the relationship became very toxic. Since everything has come out I have been involved in therapy twice a week and have been attending SAA regularly. I also confessed to 2 one-night stands in our 5 year marriage. My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. I feel so aweful for becoming the person I was and I now see how completely lost I was. I really do. I never ever wanted to be the horrible person I was and have been dealing with childhood issues that contributed, even though I know I am fully responsible for my actions.
This week my wife confessed to bringing home a man from a bar and sleeping with him. Now she wants to step back and I have had no contact with her for a week. I am trying so hard to respect her space because that's what she needs but I am shattered by this completely. I have realized so much through this experience and know that I love my wife with every ounce of my heart. My outlook on life is completely different for the better, but right now I am so lost. I have a feeling she is trying to contact this man and I don't know what to do. I have told her I forgive her and I truly do, but I am still dealing with what happened. I have been 100% honest with her about everything since this all came out, but now she has been lying to me about different things. I don't know what will happen and I'm so scared and confused. I know I deserve no sympathy because of my truly terrible actions but I just don't know what to do or how to act. Has anyone had anything like this happen? Is there any hope for me? What should I do if she doesn't want to leave me yet, but I find out she is continuing to see this man? Please help.


----------



## daisy90 (Jun 5, 2011)

You both need to communicate what you really want to do and be honest with each other. Obviously she was hurt, and she went out to have an affair, but that doesn't mean it was right. You should probably seek a counselor. Now you are both hurting and now you can understand how she feels.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First of all, wherea re you living? Are you living with OW? Did she have the baby yet? When is it due? What's your status? It sounds like you're not living with your wife. 

This is why tehy say until it happens to you, you never know how it feels.

My advice is to respect your wife's space. Right now she's asked to step back so do that. 

Eventually you WILL have to both come together to decide whether to move forward together or apart (divorce). 

I've been in a similar situation but no pregnancies. I imagine that made this 100x times worse. Do you guys have kids? In my situation, we both cheated. It ended in a very recent divorce. You will never forget this happened. Reading your pain just reminds me of how reprehensible and damaging infidelity is and takes me back to a cold place where I wish I was never ever a part of. 

What is SAA? It's good you're getting counselling. What do you WANT to do?


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Maybe a break up would be best in this case. The damage is huge and just maybe you only want her because you can't have her.

Keep doing your ic. Plan for the worst, hope for the best. Coz if she is through, she is through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

As terrible as this experience is for you, it might be the most theraputic. You've been given a very small taste of the dish you served your wife repeatedly. Who knows how this will play out, but you will emerge as a better man because you know from first-hand personal experience the damage you have inflicted and are capable of inflicting again. I imagine that, if given the privilege, you will erect a high wall around your intimate relationship and guard it faithfully. Under the circumstances, rather than tell your wife you forgive her, I believe I'd apologize once again for the hell I put her through and tell her this recent experence has opened your eyes as never before. I'm going to be painfully honest with you. You don't deserve a second chance. Since she discovered your affair, every day she has decided to come home to you has been an undeserved gift. As you said, you are responsible for your actions. Taking responsibility might mean you'll have to accept that she isn't willing to take further risks with you. I hope that isn't the case, but if it is, your abandonment will be nothing more than what you willingly and knowingly risked. You'll just have to take the pain and use it as a tool for personal growth. If she agrees to give you a second chance, I'd take nothing for granted and I'd remind myself every day that her presence is a precious gift I hadn't earned. As far as this other guy is concerned, you have had 8 years to convince your wife who and what you are. This bar dude has had maybe 24 hours. Have faith and give her some space. If she returns to you, it'll be on her terms, her uninfluenced choice. In any case, if you haven't done so already, I'd make sure she knew that just the small taste of adultary that she'd given me had caused me great pain; not because she had hurt me but because it helped me see how very deeply I had wounded her, not once, but three times. Not overnight, but for 9 whole months. If she took dude home to give you a taste of your own medicine, I'd make sure she knew that the prescription had had the desired effect.


----------



## efrank85 (Jun 8, 2011)

I very much understand what all of you are saying. I do know that I deserve nothing from my wife. Even though I have discovered very deep rooted issues that have contributed to my poor choice, they are NO excuse for what I have done. Know the pain I feel, it hurts me so badly to know what I must have done to her. I am changing myself for me, because if I don't I will end up destroying myself. I continue to go to counseling twice a week and go to SAA (sexaholics annonymous) every week. I am extremely happy with the changes I have made to myself. I can honestly be proud of the way I have lived my life. I have not once gone back to the woman I was having an affair with. 
As for the children (they were twins), the woman decided to have an abortion, by her choice. I could not make that decision. I am living with my parents but have, until now, been staying with my wife 4 or 5 nights out of the week. I truly want this to work. I have learned so much about her as a woman and it's almost intimidating to see how much of an amazing person she is. I know I want to work on things because we have so much history and I feel still have much left to give each other. I have known her since I was 14 and worked for years to get her to even notice me. Unfortunately there was a side of me I never told anyone and never thought I could ask for help until now. Now I have friends and family who all know the entire situation. It was refreshing to see how even after all I've done, people stll loved me. I just wish my wife could see me so I could take her pain away. She is so much better than one night stands. My actions allowed her to think so little of herself that she did this. That kills me. I know I will be better because of all of this but right now it's hard to eat, sleep or even move. I was doing okay until she broke the news of what she had done. Now I just wait......watch the clock.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> As terrible as this experience is for you, it might be the most theraputic.
> 
> Who knows how this will play out, but you will emerge as a better man because you know from first-hand personal experience the damage you have inflicted and are capable of inflicting again.
> I imagine that, if given the privilege, you will erect a high wall around your intimate relationship and guard it faithfully.
> ...


Great points made!


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"I am shattered by this completely."- I guess the karma bus came to pick you up for a little ride, my friend. Feels good being in the front seat of that ride, doesn't it.


----------



## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you. I know how tough it can be to change.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

i amso sorry you are here much to.you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## efrank85 (Jun 8, 2011)

I really do know I derserve no pitty. I have been an aweful human and a terrible husband. I'm not here to ask for anyones sympathy or to project myself as a victim. By my wife doing this I know a small fraction of the pain I have inflicted on her and it breaks my heart even more. I know it is easy to cast someone as myself aside and say I am just a bad person. I have wanted to change my behavior for so long but didn't know how to handle this addiction or that I could tell anyone. For the first time in my life I have told close friends and family of my true nature and I am determined with every ounce of strength to become a better man. With or without my wife I will be a better person because of this wakeup call. I hate that this happened but even my own therapist said he didn't think I would've changed without hitting this wall. 
Question: I found another e-mail my wife sent her lover telling him she was still thinking about him. She also said she regrets telling me the truth and she referred to me as her ex-husband. I'm not sure how to take this. I don't feel I should bring it up because I know how confusing of time this can be. I am trying to give her the space she wants and use this time to prove my understanding of her pain. Through this and over these past 3 months I have realized so much about myself and my wife. It feels as if my mind has been blown open wide. I know if I lose her it is only by my own fault but I want to know I made every attempt to be understanding and try to work things out. I just feel I am at the point where I need to start preparing myself for the end, because I don't want to be naive to the reality of this. I am hoping for the best but want to be ready for the worst. If anyone else has any more advice I would love to hear it. 
Thank you to everyone for your response. This forum has helped me a great deal. My heart is full of love but has been covered by my lies and deceptions. The truth will set us free I guess.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is it really an "addiction" or were you just having an affair? 

If it's an addiction, do you think you can be cured enough to stay faithful to her if you guys get back together?

Be honest with yourself. 

If you haven't apologized to her and explained WHY you are sorry (meaning you know what you did hurt her and the reasons why) then you need to do that TODAY. 

It sounds like she is still talking to her lover. If that is the case, you have no marriage. WHY? Because you haven't work on a marriage while a third party is involved.

If you want the marriage, you need to earn her trust back, and she has to earn yours and there can be no other third & fourth parties involved. 

Suggest marriage counselling, make an appointment, show her through actions you are committed to her and her only and are willing to stay the course with her. Tell her you will do any/everything to restore the marriage. If she wants to, great. If she doesn't, move on and learn from what you both did. Do not ever repeat what you did in the future. You haven't learned if you keep doing the same thing over & over again.

There are never any winners when it comes to infidelity.


----------



## efrank85 (Jun 8, 2011)

Thanks for getting back to me Jellybean.

I do believe this was an addiction. I have struggled with pornography and infidelity for a long time. I learned to hide sexual behavior early in my childhood after being mollested by a family member multiple times. In previous one night stands I would be repeating to myself to stop, but I felt I had no control. At these times I had no support group and had never faced any consequences for my actions. Now, all of my friends and family know and are hear for support. I have faced very strong consequences for my actions. I am determined and am doing eveything in my power to change. Now that I have admitted to myself I have a problem I really do believe I can change. I don't think I am being naive in this either. I have seen first hand what this does to all involved parties and I will never be that man again. I may not be perfect but I am gaining tools and support to help me change. It has been a lot of work.
My wife and I have been going to counseling once a week. I also go another day by myself and she has her therapist. Our therapist is also my therapist, simply for the reason that there will be no secrets. Everything I tell my therapist I have told to not hide from my wife. I have been absolutely 100% honest with her since things came out. She didn't come this week, because she wants to speak with her therapist first. We had a trip planned out of town in a nice cabin, but I'm afraid she will back out. If so, I will go by myself but I'm afraid to since the trust has been broken on her end.
I have told my wife all the things you have suggested and have worked daily to really really understand her pain. She now knows everything about me. I've always hidden this side of me but I now understand how vitaly important trust is in a marriage. Sometimes my actions hit me like a ton of bricks and I cry for my wife. A lot actually. She really is such an amazing person. I see how my actions have affected her because she would have never done something like this unless she was completely destroyed. I am the cause of this. I have never met a stronger person and she is handling this better than I ever thought. I'm afraid that if she continues to see this man, she will continue to lie to me though. I want to wait and hope she sees into my heart and who I really am and can be to her. But I'm not sure if she continues how long I should wait around. Knowing her, she wouldn't pull me around to long and would sit me down and tell me she wanted out. The man she slepped with is the only person besides me she has. I think she was naive of the impact sex has on you and the emotional connection it makes. This is obviously a sign of her pain. The days move like snails traveling uphill, but I am doing everything to keep it together, to keep understanding and to keep searching myself and continue to better me. This is simply a really hard time, there's no way around it. If I find out she is continuing to see this man should I try to hold out and hope she will see me for what I can be?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

When did she last write to the OM? (The email you found).
She has to end it with hom completely if you guys have any chance at all.
Tell her you ended contact with OM and will committ to that forever and she needs to do the same.
MC is pointless if an affair is still happening.
And you are right--women do bond w/ men emotionally through sex if it happens several times (usually).
Talk to her today and find out what the deal is.
It's good you're getting yourself help and realize how detrimental your behavior and decisions have been in your life and to your loved ones and to yourself. You can change...if you want to.


----------



## efrank85 (Jun 8, 2011)

Today is the 9th and she sent the email the 7th. I started searching because she changed her e-mail password which was suspicious. I'm sure this was a bad move, but I hacked the acount and had yahoo load a backup and that's how I found the e-mail. As far as I know he has not tried to contact her since, but I don't know if she maybe started texting him. I know he just got out of a long relationship so I'm hoping he will be smarter than to enter a relationship with a married woman, but I know she has been lying to him about the true nature of our relationship. 

I would talk to her, but she said she needed space. Tomorrow is my birthday and I think she will contact me then or the next day. 

I really want to be understanding because I know she is trying to find her way. Right now she is trying to decide if she even wants to put in the work. As much as I hate this, I truly understand it. I'm not trying to be overdramatic but I really do know I don't deserve a second chance. I messed up about the worst you possibly could. I know this. 

The affair I had was originally only 3 months, which is bad enough. We broke it off but a month later she called me and said she really had to talk. I knew in my gut what had happened. She told me she was pregnant and I felt it was my responsibility to support her. In retrospect this was a bad move to not come out with the truth right then and there. I just told myself to push through the situation. The woman I was with went kind of crazy. She ignored being pregnant and even stopped eating, saying she didn't want to get fat. I told her I would support any decioun. I payed for every doctor visit, every meal, and ultimately the abortion. Killing my children is another issue I struggle with. It was at this point I hit rock bottom. In my head I had two options, either leave everything I knew behind or kill myself. I even cut my wrist at one point. This is when I found a therapist. He saved my life. Through him I realized I wanted to try to save my marriage. I told my affair this and that is when she sent my wife a text massage outing me. I didn't even have the chance to tell her myself. Anyway, I just figured a better explanation of why it went on so long was needed.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Again, if the affair is still happening (hers), you have no marriage.


----------



## efrank85 (Jun 8, 2011)

I understand. Well, I think at this point I will just stand strong and be waiting for her with open arms until she tells me she wants to continue or end. I have to know I did everything I could. For the first time in my life I have to try my absolute hardest and follow through to the end, whatever that may be.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you both been tested for STDs?

Who is the OM? If you know or can contact his girlfriend, TELL HER that he's cheating with your wife.


----------



## efrank85 (Jun 8, 2011)

I have been tested, clean as a whistle. She told me she used protection with him and I don't know why, but I believe her. I am fairly certain it was the one time, but the fact that she is still thinking about him and persuing him scares me. 
The OM is a freind of a friend of a friend type thing. They met the same night they had sex. Very not my wife.
Through the internet I found OM's e-mail, this is what I sent him. I thought I was very well reserved

"Forgive me if I am contacting the wrong person, but I am assuming from what little I know I have reached the correct contact. "OM", I am "EFrank85", "Wife's" husband. I just want you to know who I am and how much I have realized my wife is my world. I have no problem with you as I'm sure you are a good person, but I hope you realize how special "wife" is and are aware of that. You were in my home, that I pay for and took advantage of a beautiful and amazing woman. You have caused more hurt to an already damaged situation. I know I have my issues, but I have quickly learned what it is to be human and decent. I would think by your age this would have already been figured out, but apparently not. You are not welcome in my home and you are not welcome to my wife. Again, I'm sorry if this is the wrong person, please diregard if so. That is all."


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did he write back?


----------



## efrank85 (Jun 8, 2011)

Not that I know about. It happened last wednesday and I didn't find out until Sunday and he hadn't contacted her at that point so I doubt he will. Plus I sent him that e-mail Monday. I'm not a religous man, but I'm praying he doesn't. He does have her phone # though so he may have contacted her that way. She could have lied about not being contacted but the fact that she sent him an e-mail two days ago saying she was still thinking about him kind of verified he hadn't contacted her at that point. Even if she does continue things with him this is my turn to be strong and to have endless love I feel. I will continue to be there until she calls it quits. All I can do is continue to change and be available when she needs me.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Even if you love someone utterly doesn't mean you have any capability to live normally with one another. Anyone who tells me "But we love each other!!" is missing the point. 

There's even a movie, a true story, "Crazy Love" 
Crazy Love (2007) - IMDb
Burt Pugach - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

About a relationship so insane you could not make it up. And yet they are married. Seemingly happy if that has any meaning in the normal sense of the word to these two.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How, exactly did this guy take advantage of your wife? YOU took advantage of her from what I read in your post. Isn't she still pursuing him? Didn't he have completely consensual sex with a willing adult? His only offense was digging around in your discard pile.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"His only offense was digging around in your discard pile."- Yeah... totally agree with this. It seems that now that your wife has turned the tables you realize what a douche-bag you really were to her. Sorry, but if you reads my posts- I JUST TELL IT LIKE IT IS. I don't sugar coat for NO ONE- pain or no pain. You inflicted a lot of damage on you wife and drove her into this affair because of your despicable behavior. Now, you have to wait for her decision to come back to you. Let me ask you something though- Now that you've felt the pain that you inflicted on the person "you say you love"- do you see the damage it can have on a person? You cheated multiple times and now blame it on addiction. Listen that just sounds like a cop-out to me. We all have a choice. You filed to address your "so called" sex addiction the first time- WHY?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Being betrayed is agonizing, isn't it?

If you love her, you need to let her go and end the marriage. You did a huge amount of damage, and now in turn, she has done damage. Think of your marriage as a ship crossing the ocean of life. Both of you have knocked huge hole in the ship and its sinking fast. You need to abandon ship and set her free to find a man who she deserves and the same with you. 

Take this lesson into your next relationship.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Even if you love someone utterly doesn't mean you have any capability to live normally with one another. .


 That is the damn truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Happy birthday.

It may be one of your worst, but you are sadly now on the other side just like your wife and the rest of us. It sucks, doesn't it?

The best birthday present you can give yourself is change. Change for the better. Try to work harder on the issues that led up to this sorry situation. 

So sorry to hear of your plight and the death of your little twins. They had no say in their creation and no say in their deaths. You and the OW have been terribly stupid and selfish. 

Your wife entirely trusting has been terribly hurt and everyone is hurting. It's a disaster of monumentous proportions. The good news is you've realised this, albeit late.

The family member who molested you since childhood, if still alive, you need to get prosecuted for molestation. That's act 1.

Through actions such as 1) above and counselling you might start to show your wife how you have had to experience what she experienced to understand fully her hurt. 

You are showing early signs of remorse. That's good. You are turning into a better person. 

You are showing willingness to change and that's great. Don't ever repeat this behaviour ever. 

On your journey of trying to heal and be better, maybe one day your wife will notice. At the moment she is trying to escape the pain but she might end up damaging herself terribly in the process.

All you can do here is to write her a letter expressing remorse and saying you will be there for her when she has had some space so you can both try to heal the most terrible wound you inflicted upon her. As part of that healing process for her to leave the other man and for you both to seek professional help to sort out your life...hopefully together.

Make this a good birthday for change......... into a better you.

Good luck. Unless you both seek professional help you won't get through this together.


----------



## msmith (Jun 7, 2011)

There is another person you left out in this mess---the OW. What are you going to do about her? Has the closure being made? If not, she would come back to haunt you down the road in your marriage.


----------



## efrank85 (Jun 8, 2011)

Thanks again everyone for your responses and the honest truth. Like I've said before, I didn't come here for sympathy but for honest advice.

From everything I can tell, it seems my wife only has been with OM one time. She did confess to taking home another man the other night, but I handled this much better. As soon as she told me I sat beside her and immediately thanked her for being so honest with me. I then told her I would love her and be here no matter what and that was the end of the conversation. We ended up talking all morning.

I realize some of what I say may seem like a "cop-out" and that is in no way my intent. I really take full responsibility. I am just trying to understand myself. I have kept this part of me hidden and been ignorant to it for reasons I am working on with my therapist. 

I know many of you think this marriage is not salvageable. I'm sorry, but I will disagree. Yes, there is an extremely likely chance this won't work, but it has almost been 3 months since and despite a few back steps we have continued to communicate and built good skills on that front. We continue to go to therapy both separate and together. I am realizing more and more how much the change in me has to be for myself. If she decides that I get a second chance, then that will be her choice. If there is anyone that can get past this, it would probably be my wife. I know talking about how I have screwed around behind such an amazing woman makes me look even worse, but I guess if the shoe fits.

Anyway, thanks again everyone for your posts. I appreciate all feedback. I will continue to better myself and take everything everyone is saying to heart. I am determined to be a better man. 

Thanks


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Taking full responsibility wouldn't require you to contact the OM and accuse him of taking advantage of your wife. That's portraying him as the offender and positions you as some sort of defender of your wife's virtue. That's not an accurate depiction of the situation you worked so hard to create. I don't know if you can fix this mess or not, but I do know your words say that you accept responsibility but your actions say something very different.


----------



## efrank85 (Jun 8, 2011)

I get what you saying Unbelievable. When I think back, I probably should just not have written the e-mail at all. I wish I would have handled myself better, but I have learned a lot from that experience. The actions my wife makes are hers, not mine. However, I did open the door for these actions to take place and I have to deal with that on my end and learn from that. I don't think there has been a week that has passed since this where I haven't realized something amazing and new. Good points from everyone all around.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Good luck to you my friend. My story is somewhat similar and I can tell you if you can work it out, it is a long rough road.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Are you and wife living together?


----------



## efrank85 (Jun 8, 2011)

My wife and I are not living together, I am living with my parents currently. 
We just spent 3 days in a cabin together for a little get away. The 3 days couldn't have gone better. We had a lot of fun but also did a lot of talking. However, she still wants more space which I am nervous about. She is thinking maybe 2 or so weeks without any contact from me. She did invite me to her therapy session Friday so at least that's something. I think everyone here would recommend to just respect her space and be there if she needs me, so that's what I will do. It just get's so hard with her completely out of my life for many reasons. I feel it is hard to show her change if she won't give me the opportunity but I realize I also forfeited all rights to my wife when I entered another relationship. After talking with everyone on this forum I feel much better about things, no matter which turn they take. I have told my wife I will continue to change and do everything to make her life easier from here on out. Even if that's divorce and even if she wants everything I will do that. I have stepped on her and treated her like garbage and I think it's the least I can do. Well anyway, I probably won't have any new news until she talks to me again so wish me luck. 

Thanks again everyone.


----------



## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

efrank85,

Congratulations on keeping your head up, while being humble about your situation and knowing you need help, and getting it.

I recently found out that after having forgiven my husband 8 years ago for cheating on me, that he had kept cheating on me over the past 6 years.

He is now, finally, looking into SAA, and agreed to never ever drink alcohol again, which was what usually lead to him doing inappropriate things.

I don't know if I can trust him again. I love him and already decided to forgive him, but right now I am full of fear of letting him off easy again, without real consequences and that he'll fail again.

Right now, we're still living under the same roof but have our separate bedrooms. We do try to spend quality time together and will start MC very soon.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good luck on Friday and yes, respect her space totally. The ball is in her court. She already knows you want to work it out so from here on ut, she will decide.

No matter how this shakes out, you have learned a valuable lesson: don't cheat. It's sooo destructive.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"I realize I also forfeited all rights to my wife when I entered another relationship."- Damn right. 

If I may ask- Do you think cheater don't actually know what it feels like till the tables are turned on THEM?


----------



## efrank85 (Jun 8, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! - I don't think I would have felt the type of pain my wife felt unless she turned the tables. I don't know if it was necessary to my process, but it has given me a much greater understanding of her pain, even if I only feel a fractions of what she does. My actions have caused damage to so many and I was so blind to the destructive nature of what I was doing. Besides ashamed I just feel stupid. I went with childish feelings and emotions over a deeper and timeless love. I'm now 26 and I can't believe what a cliche my life has turned in to, this can't be me anymore.

DoveIntheMud - I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. You have been put in such a hard place. I know you love your husband but if you do give him a second chance he must truly work for it. The balls in your court and you are worth much more than to be second best to him. If he loves you he will wait however long for you and only you. I think time will show his true colors. Maybe he is miserable in his lust, like I was, but maybe he simply doesn't get it. Whatever happens he has to be completely honest with you and transparent. Make him show you his love with time. But, since I am in the same boat I have to believe in chance and in second chances. Without that belief I would be doomed to a miserable life. Good luck to you.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> If I may ask- Do you think cheater don't actually know what it feels like till the tables are turned on THEM?


Absolutely. My ex and I both cheated in our marriage and I know he never felt that sucker punch til I confessed to him that I did it too. Same for me. 

You cannot know the pain until you experience it for yourself.

The pain is excruciating. I hard to articulate with words what it feels like. It sucks!


----------



## Alex2400 (Jun 11, 2011)

You never really know one's value until it's taken away from you...


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey EF---what are you 22 yrs old???

You and your wife/X-wife---whatever it is to be, are a perfect POSTER BOY and POSTER GIRL---for not getting married until you are at least 25, 26---and have some maturity, even tho actually your wife may have some maturity, it is you that hadn't grown up yet.

You got married, as an immature kid---and you had no clue what life is /was all about---now all of a sudden you get it, you get it after you, time and time again destroyed your wife, crushed her soul, drove daggers thru heart, and you didn't give a sh*t did you---now all of a sudden she reverses on you, and it hurts---well you just need to suck it up!!!!!

Have you grown a few adult brains----if your wife hadn't cheated on you, you would still be treating her like crap

Best think is to blow this mge., up, move on, you both need to do some dating, and maybe get serious about someone, when you have some mature cells in your brain-----

This mge, has no chance---to much damage--plus I think your wife has already checked out----so let this be a learning experience, and try to act like an adult in your relationships, you are not a teen-ager anymore


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"if your wife hadn't cheated on you, you would still be treating her like crap"- Good question jnj. What of it EF? By the way, I respect that you answered my Q, even after I let you have it before, but to be honest you deserved it.


----------



## efrank85 (Jun 8, 2011)

jnj -Thanks for the imput. I'm not sure if you read the entire forum here and it seemed a little more geared towards a personal vendeta than actually giving helpful information, but with that said I really do appreciate the input. And you are absolutely right, I did get married too young and my maturity level in relationships has remained that way until very recently. I am only now beginning to understand what marriage really is and should be. My wife cheating on me certainly helped me understand a tiny part of the hurt I inflicted on her, but that wasn't where my change started. As soon as everything came out I have been working to be the man I should have been and not the immature selfish boy. 
She has not yet called it quits and we talk often. Right now she is taking some space but we still communicate and continue to have very meaninglful and insightful conversations. Conversations we should have had long ago. We are definitely learning so much about life right now. I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet and either is she. I walked away from our marriage and from her, but I need to stick with this to the end for myself. I'm trying to learn as much as I can so I can either be the husband she should have had or be the man I need to be for my next relationship. It's hard not to get frustrated because this change isn't easy and has taken a lot of learning and humility on my end. I know my actions were immature, hurtful and selfish by I am continuing to do everything I can to change and learn about myself. I am proud of who I have been the past 3 months since this came out. I have nothing to hide or lie about for who I have been in that time. It's maybe the first time in my life I have honest self respect. Well anyway, thanks again for everyone's imput. It's all been very helpful for this time in my life.


----------



## efrank85 (Jun 8, 2011)

Well, I'm making this post available for anyone who is still following this I am getting close to 4 months since ground zero and my wife is still staying with me. She has made no commitments, but she hasn't left either which I am thankful for every day. I have continued to go to therapy, saa, and read many helpful books and forums on the subject. I only wish I would have known back then what I know now. Right now she has asked for space and despite every urge in my body to call, text or go to see her I am giving that to her. It's' hard, but I still find comfort in knowing I am in the best place I have ever been in my life. I feel good, I like what I see when I look in the mirror and I know that, if given the chance I will be able to be the husband my wife deserves. Through lots of thinking and reading I feel I have come to grow and appreciate what the word "love" really means. I don't want a love that is easy and part of a simple human mating ritual. I want a love I have to work for and earns it's meaning through hard work and understanding. I feel I am ready to completely share my life and not focus on my needs. Through this last 4 month I have discovered that I do in fact love my wife, more than I ever thought possible. I will try to keep everyone updated, but until then wish me the best. I have not or will I give up. I will be with her until the end. Thanks again everyone for your words of advice.


----------



## brokendog (Dec 15, 2010)

efrank85 said:


> Well, I'm making this post available for anyone who is still following this I am getting close to 4 months since ground zero and my wife is still staying with me. She has made no commitments, but she hasn't left either which I am thankful for every day. I have continued to go to therapy, saa, and read many helpful books and forums on the subject. I only wish I would have known back then what I know now. Right now she has asked for space and despite every urge in my body to call, text or go to see her I am giving that to her. It's' hard, but I still find comfort in knowing I am in the best place I have ever been in my life. I feel good, I like what I see when I look in the mirror and I know that, if given the chance I will be able to be the husband my wife deserves. Through lots of thinking and reading I feel I have come to grow and appreciate what the word "love" really means. I don't want a love that is easy and part of a simple human mating ritual. I want a love I have to work for and earns it's meaning through hard work and understanding. I feel I am ready to completely share my life and not focus on my needs. Through this last 4 month I have discovered that I do in fact love my wife, more than I ever thought possible. I will try to keep everyone updated, but until then wish me the best. I have not or will I give up. I will be with her until the end. Thanks again everyone for your words of advice.


I have read your posts and wish you success in your marriage.

I too have had multiple physical affairs that my wife was suspicous of until I confessed. She too confessed to fooling around too. I beleive because we love each other we can get through this and become better.


----------

