# What I needed from my husband...if only I had known



## Rasbuten66

Oh how I wish I had found this site sooner. In addition to the honesty and faithfulness I needed to be the woman my husband turned to and confided in. I needed to feel like I was important in his life not last on his priority list. Mine would always "yes dear" me and even though his body language said he didn't agree he'd never say. I'd ask what things I do that annoy him and for most of the 15 yrs we were together he'd say nothing. Eventually he came up with I slam the car door and always lock the bathroom door. Once I told him I met with a realtor about selling our marital home back in Sept one thing he said was that I'd always introduce him by his first name instead of using his relation to me. It never occurred to me and would have been an easy fix if only I would've known. By not letting me know and many other things afterwards he would turn to other women. As an aside it never occurred to me to introduce him as boyfriend/fiancé/husband because I grew up in an nvironment where we addressed our parents friends on a first name basis and even my grandparents. If only I had known...

Now our house sold and we split our stuff and the proceeds and each moved to a new residence on our own. We haven't filed for divorce yet and I know I need to do that so I can begin healing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga

Oh, dear. Well, sounds like for good or for bad, you are on your way to a new life. Lots of folks here have been thru that -- most of us, probably! I'm glad you are here, you'll find lots of support and advice.

Are there any children involved?


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## Rasbuten66

Thank you! We never had kids so for once I'm glad about that, because of how things ended up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga

Yeah, that does make it easier!

So -- you sound pretty calm about it. T/F?


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## jh52

From your post I don't know if you have regrets and want advice on how to get back together with him -- or move on in a divorce.

Sorry if I missed something !!


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## Rasbuten66

I was mostly calm until this past week. We had the closing of our house that we sold and the places we each bought on May 30th so it's only been a few weeks. This past weekend one of his calendar reminders popped up on mine (we had once set it up so I would know his schedule since he'd never remember to tell me until the last minute about when he was working his second job)...his reminder was that he was going to another state with a girl. Being me I did some research, saw he booked a hotel on June 13th. Ironically he texted me on Saturday asking if I still wanted to go with him to a concert tomorrow and I called him. He said he was away for the weekend with this guy that he works with on his second job. I became consumed by this. When I sent him the calendar reminder he then said that it was a day trip and she was just a friend. Our issues from the lack of interpersonal communication expanded to his cheating. The first 2 times it was just online/cybersex but cheating just the same since I was rejected and he promised to stop after the first time. The last time was different, it was in person and emotionally based. Did the counseling bit and never got the communication to a regular thing. ANd I agreed to go to this concert with him.

I don't know what to do, he texts me that he is so sorry for what he did and that he misses me so much and still loves me very much. I'm finally getting what I believe is the genuine heartfelt apology I've needed all along. I gave everything I had from 2009 when I found out about the affair until the end of 2010 when i realized that the open line of communication that was so necessary after his cheating was not happening. I gave up at that point, but since neither of us could afford the house on our own and the other person couldnt afford rent plus half that mortgage we agreed to stay in the house together. That probably wasnt the best decision emotionally but what's done is done.

I spent most of last night crying for me, for me and him and what could've been and what should've been. We're not kids, both in our mid-late 40's. We work near each other and his brother works in the same building as me so I can't avoid him. 

I have regrets how I handled certain things and wished I had pushed the issue to make things better before he cheated the last time and I have regrets that the first person I ever really loved couldnt come to me and be open. I know he didnt want to split up and I saw it as a last resort. And I regret that with everything that happened my feelings did change towards him, that while I still care about him, do love him and am no longer angry, I'm not in love with him the way I was when we first got married and thru the first few years of our marriage.

Sorry for rambling...


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## jh52

Rasbuten66 said:


> I was mostly calm until this past week. We had the closing of our house that we sold and the places we each bought on May 30th so it's only been a few weeks. This past weekend one of his calendar reminders popped up on mine (we had once set it up so I would know his schedule since he'd never remember to tell me until the last minute about when he was working his second job)...his reminder was that he was going to another state with a girl. Being me I did some research, saw he booked a hotel on June 13th. Ironically he texted me on Saturday asking if I still wanted to go with him to a concert tomorrow and I called him. He said he was away for the weekend with this guy that he works with on his second job. I became consumed by this. When I sent him the calendar reminder he then said that it was a day trip and she was just a friend. Our issues from the lack of interpersonal communication expanded to his cheating. The first 2 times it was just online/cybersex but cheating just the same since I was rejected and he promised to stop after the first time. The last time was different, it was in person and emotionally based. Did the counseling bit and never got the communication to a regular thing. ANd I agreed to go to this concert with him.
> 
> I don't know what to do, he texts me that he is so sorry for what he did and that he misses me so much and still loves me very much. I'm finally getting what I believe is the genuine heartfelt apology I've needed all along. I gave everything I had from 2009 when I found out about the affair until the end of 2010 when i realized that the open line of communication that was so necessary after his cheating was not happening. I gave up at that point, but since neither of us could afford the house on our own and the other person couldnt afford rent plus half that mortgage we agreed to stay in the house together. That probably wasnt the best decision emotionally but what's done is done.
> 
> I spent most of last night crying for me, for me and him and what could've been and what should've been. We're not kids, both in our mid-late 40's. We work near each other and his brother works in the same building as me so I can't avoid him.
> 
> I have regrets how I handled certain things and wished I had pushed the issue to make things better before he cheated the last time and I have regrets that the first person I ever really loved couldnt come to me and be open. I know he didnt want to split up and I saw it as a last resort. And I regret that with everything that happened my feelings did change towards him, that while I still care about him, do love him and am no longer angry, I'm not in love with him the way I was when we first got married and thru the first few years of our marriage.
> 
> Sorry for rambling...


Hi Ras:

I am wondering if you should ask a moderator to move this thread to one of the divorce forums or coping with infidelty as I think you will get more responses and ideas for how to work through your feeling and emotions.


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## SadSamIAm

Hey Ras,

Don't take the blame for your husband cheating!!!

If his only complaints are what you mentioned (referring to him by name instead of as husband, etc.) then he is just trying to blame shift. These are very petty things and shouldn't amount to anyone cheating on their spouse. 

Your marriage wasn't perfect (nobodies is) and any issues in your marriage were probably each of your faults. But the cheating is 100% his fault. Don't take any blame for that.


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## Rasbuten66

SadSamIAm said:


> Hey Ras,
> 
> Don't take the blame for your husband cheating!!!
> 
> If his only complaints are what you mentioned (referring to him by name instead of as husband, etc.) then he is just trying to blame shift. These are very petty things and shouldn't amount to anyone cheating on their spouse.
> 
> Your marriage wasn't perfect (nobodies is) and any issues in your marriage were probably each of your faults. But the cheating is 100% his fault. Don't take any blame for that.


Thank you!! I have been second guessing myself and questioning my actions but you're right, he made that choice, he had options, like coming to me, he didn't have to go to that girl.

I know for me at some point I just shut down because I didn't know how to address any issues with someone I couldn't talk with. I figured if he and I couldnt discuss getting a pet or going on a vacation then how could we discuss something really important?!?!

Robin


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## MyselfAgain

He didn't cheat because you had issues as a couple. He cheated because he has personal issues. Likely the same ones that kept him from talking openly. My stbxh was the same way. You deserve the respect of someone who will let you in...the lack of intimacy in our marriages was not ok, and you are doing the right thing moving on!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rasbuten66

Does life and stuff get easier over time? The whole idea of dating is scary probably because I haven't filed for divorce yet. I'm hoping that I'm not too jaded because of what happened when I do give myself the ok to move forward...

Robin
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rasbuten66

On Saturday we did go to the concert together and I almost lost it during two songs because of the lyrics. When we got back to my place I don't know how it started but we ended up talking and crying for almost an hour. I don't know where things stand now, we both said things that needed to be said so even if there is no reconciliation at least there was some closure. Because his affair was 3 years ago and had it not been for a bad car accident that put my life on hold he and I would have been going thru this 2 years ago (I had been advised not to make emotionally based decisions when he came clean so at the time I agreed to honor our existing commitments while we figured out if we were going to work out). It was during this time that the car accident occured and I was in no physical condition to exist on my own for a long time. What he and I did was continue to live in the same house, different bedrooms, but would otherwise do as we normally do, I would do laundry/bills and he would cook and most of the cleaning and we'd share the grocery shopping and do errands together. He even came with my to my niece's first birthday party the end of March this year. In hindsight I realize this was not a healthy thing because once we sold the house and went on our own there was no closure. 

He feels very much a part of my family and asked if he could go with me to visit my grandmother who is in an assisted living the next time I go. I'm going on Wed and he said he'd pick me up at the train station and drive us to my grandmother then later take me back to the train station. I don't know what this means or if I'm setting myself up for more anguish or a chance for a new beginning with him or the readiness to open myself up to meeting someone new. I told him about these boards and that I had posted on here. I originally offered to send him the lijnk to what I wrote or copy/paste in an email. He said he'd read but then I had 2nd thoughts. I'd like to read it to him and be there when he hears it so i can see his reaction and talk thru it, whereas in an email based on past history he may not "get it" and never respond. 

I've just been more confused since then. He texts me more and more, but just general stuff like the weather or asking me a question about something non personal.

Thanks,
Robin


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## SimplyAmorous

> *Rabuttn66 said*: On Saturday we did go to the concert together and I almost lost it during two songs because of the lyrics. When we got back to my place I don't know how it started but we ended up talking and crying for almost an hour.


It sounds to me like there is definite *hope* there for a heartfelt reconciliation....what do you think ?









By reading this ... you and he are finally opening up -getting *vulnerable* with each other - likely what was missing for some time in the marraige... that emotional connectedness. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html

If you are both missing what was, what could have been (I seen you said this!)... If so, don't throw it all away ! Sometimes it takes one to really hit the bottom of the barrel, really messing up out of desperation....realizing this is headed in the wrong direction...but we can all rise from the ashes.... If 2 want it bad enough. 

This time right now is vital, pray about it, maybe there was a reason you couldn't plunge ahead for that divorce... don't allow something good slip through your fingers. Sure he screwed up...and badly, but.... if the love is still there..attraction, passion... if genuine remorse is there with a willingness to throw yourselves back into each others arms and make it work this time, realizing those mistakes, wanting to make up for them.... Fight for it.


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## Rasbuten66

We spent yesterday together, he went with me to visit my grandmother and took her to lunch, then we spent some time together too, I saw where he is living now. We talked about spending time together, essentially dating and i said that I wasn't going to file for divorce any time soon, that I would give things a chance with us however what I would need is total and complete honesty and no secrets, and as difficult some things will be to share and hear that we both need to do this. The one thing I can't help but ask him is "what is it that allowed you to turn to the OW and open to her yet never ever tell me anything personal (he'd just "yes dear" me to death)...his answer as always is "I don't know." Now I'm not sure if that is just a knee-jerk response or genuine, but wouldn't "I don't know" mean that there is a high likelyhood that he'll get involved with someone else again?


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## SimplyAmorous

> his answer as always is "I don't know".


 His answering "I don't know" ... to these very important issues...this is not enough, you need more than this. Maybe in time. 

It is funny you say your Husband did the "Yes Dears" - my husband used to do this to me too (not to death), it was his way of saying..."Look woman, you are getting a little too bossy".... and I knew I was, I didn't like it when he said this, he KNEW it , he was trying to get a rise out of me- it was his form of sarcasm telling me I am pushing the line- getting his point across. 

HOW did you react to the "Yes Dears" over the years? Generally when a man stops communicating (if he has in the past -was it GOOD at one time?)... He may no longer feel he has your "Respect" (Respect is huge to men)... that he is being heard, considered, his opionions dowplayed.. If he is passive by his very nature, this gets even worse.... he will do near anything to avoid a confrontatioin /fight & take the path of least resistence to get through the day....

But yet, this doesn't make his lonliness to be heard, and understood go away, so if some woman at work showed him kindness, if he felt he could TALK to her, open up to her and feel "safe" somehow....it all slowly started there. Men have emotional needs too. I am not trying to excuse him by any means.. No Spouse should be so passive as to NOT - get into some confrontation and say what is happening in their souls if they are heading down a slippery slope - to AVOID falling into EA's ~ PA's.

I like to use the term "approachable" when I ask about communication... in the past when the "Yes Dear's" was flying... how was your body language towards him, how was your Reactions if /when he said or shared something you didn't like or agree with... an area of contention??

It seems you feel terrible for your part in not being "enough" in the past for what he needed...although others on here is downplaying this, I feel it is healthy for you to recognize this in yourself - so you are ready for the new changes ...if /when you do get back together with him. 

But now... the burden of him opening up before you is what is needed, I so agree with you in what you say here.....


> that I would give things a chance with us however what I would need is total and complete honesty and no secrets, and as difficult some things will be to share and hear that we both need to do this.


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## Rasbuten66

SimplyAmorous said:


> His answering "I don't know" ... to these very important issues...this is not enough, you need more than this. Maybe in time.
> 
> It is funny you say your Husband did the "Yes Dears" - my husband used to do this to me too (not to death), it was his way of saying..."Look woman, you are getting a little too bossy".... and I knew I was, I didn't like it when he said this, he KNEW it , he was trying to get a rise out of me- it was his form of sarcasm telling me I am pushing the line- getting his point across.
> 
> HOW did you react to the "Yes Dears" over the years? Generally when a man stops communicating (if he has in the past -was it GOOD at one time?)... He may no longer feel he has your "Respect" (Respect is huge to men)... that he is being heard, considered, his opionions dowplayed.. If he is passive by his very nature, this gets even worse.... he will do near anything to avoid a confrontatioin /fight & take the path of least resistence to get through the day....
> 
> But yet, this doesn't make his lonliness to be heard, and understood go away, so if some woman at work showed him kindness, if he felt he could TALK to her, open up to her and feel "safe" somehow....it all slowly started there. Men have emotional needs too. I am not trying to excuse him by any means.. No Spouse should be so passive as to NOT - get into some confrontation and say what is happening in their souls if they are heading down a slippery slope - to AVOID falling into EA's ~ PA's.
> 
> I like to use the term "approachable" when I ask about communication... in the past when the "Yes Dear's" was flying... how was your body language towards him, how was your Reactions if /when he said or shared something you didn't like or agree with... an area of contention??
> 
> It seems you feel terrible for your part in not being "enough" in the past for what he needed...although others on here is downplaying this, I feel it is healthy for you to recognize this in yourself - so you are ready for the new changes ...if /when you do get back together with him.
> 
> But now... the burden of him opening up before you is what is needed, I so agree with you in what you say here.....


 Thinking back, the "yes dears" were an automatic response no matter what the topic. He is so fearful of confrontation that he'll agree just to avoid disagreeing. I remember him doing this with a male friend of his/ours (not saying yes dear but agreeing when he disagreed then got nasty and was miserable to be around) over something trivial as which pizza place to get dinner from. As time went on when I could see the clenched jaw or the tense posture when he did it to me it would aggravate me, or worse he'd do this annoying sigh and then agree...I'd know he didn't agree and sometimes I'd egg him on because I wanted a whole real live person, a reaction, anything. I know, not the most mature way to handle things but as time went on I just got so frustrated and felt so helpless that I wasn't the person he could turn to for anything and everything that I just reacted. What's interesting is that all my life I have been called shy or introverted and he always came across as outgoing, confident and extroverted yet when it's just the two of us the roles seem to be reversed. As time went on I probably did disregard any opinion he may have had because I'd gotten so accostomed to his just agreeing that I didnt see when an opinion was genuine. 

Now that we are starting to spend time around one another, I want to get the ball rolling but also don't want to end up dominating the discussions which is what tends to happen too. I don't want to spend weeks talking about general topics and nothing more because we did just fine when we talked about the weather/food/tv, i don't want more of that and only that and deep down he must have always wanted more since he turned to someone else to get it. I don't know what step to take next. He texts me a lot and a few times (like right before I wrote back here) I just called him. I told him the table/chairs he just got looked really nice and went well in his kitchen rather than just answering his text where he sent me the picture. Maybe I'm too forward? I know that I come from an environment where you had to talk loud to be heard and that women were opinionated, he came from an environment just the opposite. I hope the fact that I am including myself in everything, I'm hoping he sees that this is both of us doing the same thing not just a list of things he has to do. 

Thanks!
Robin


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## SimplyAmorous

Rasbuten66 said:


> Thinking back, the "yes dears" were an automatic response no matter what the topic. *He is so fearful of confrontation that he'll agree just to avoid disagreeing*. I remember him doing this with a male friend of his/ours (not saying yes dear but agreeing when he disagreed then got nasty and was miserable to be around) over something trivial as which pizza place to get dinner from. As time went on when I could see the clenched jaw or the tense posture when he did it to me it would aggravate me, or worse he'd do this annoying sigh and then agree...


 This IS classic passive aggressive behavior, he has learned this over a long haul. Now that you have explained this a little more I think any woman would have been pulling her hair out ! His FEARS and hatred for anything confrontational is very very unhealthy...so he was storing all of his discontent inside.. it was brewing...ready to blow..but kept stuffing... some outwards signs were his clenched jaw and his tense posture -if he had went to a message therapist, I bet she could "feel it" in his body even. 

A little conflict is so very healthy, if he ever reads this thread, have him read this article... all about Healthy communication, #5 is specificially about Conflict >>> 

 PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE

****** Passive Aggressive TEST  




> I'd know he didn't agree and sometimes I'd egg him on because I wanted a whole real live person, a reaction, anything. I know, not the most mature way to handle things


 I can undestand easily how you could come to this place...given his lack of communicating the REAL. Don't beat yourself up too bad. 

How to Set Limits and Boundaries With the Passive Aggressive Man 

Any of this sound familiar >>> 



> PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE TRAITS .... "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man
> 
> 
> **FEAR OF DEPENDENCY* - Unsure of his autonomy & afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs - usually by trying to control you.
> 
> 
> **FEAR OF INTIMACY *- Guarded & often mistrusful, he is reluctant to show his emotional fragility. He's often out of touch with his feelings, reflexively denying feelings he thinks will "trap" or reveal him, like love. He picks fights to create distance.
> 
> 
> **FEAR OF COMPETITION *- Feeling inadequate, he is unable to compete with other men in work and love. He may operate either as a self-sabotaging wimp with a pattern of failure, or he'll be the tyrant, setting himself up as unassailable and perfect, needing to eliminate any threat to his power.
> 
> 
> **OBSTRUCTIONISM* - Just tell a p/a man what you want, no matter how small, and he may promise to get it for you. But he won't say when, and he"ll do it deliberately slowly just to frustrate you. Maybe he won't comply at all. He blocks any real progress he sees to your getting your way.
> 
> 
> **FOSTERING CHAOS *- The p/a man prefers to leave the puzzle incomplete, the job undone.
> 
> 
> **FEELING VICTIMIZED *- The p/a man protests that others unfairly accuse him rather than owning up to his own misdeeds. To remain above reporach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades.
> 
> 
> **MAKING EXCUSES & LYING *- The p/a man reaches as far as he can to fabricate excuses for not fulfilling promises. As a way of withholding information, affirmation or love - to have power over you - the p/a man may choose to make up a story rather than give you a straight answer.
> 
> 
> **PROCRASTINATION* - The p/a man has an odd sense of time - he believes that deadlines don't exist for him.
> 
> 
> **CHRONIC LATENESS & FORGETFULNESS *- One of the most infuriating & inconsiderate of all p/a traits is his inability to arrive on time. By keeping you waiting, he sets the ground rules of the relationship. And his selective forgetting - used only when he wants to avoid an obligation.
> 
> 
> **AMBIGUITY* - He is master of mixed messages and sitting on fences. When he tells you something, you may still walk away wondering if he actually said yes or no.
> 
> 
> **SULKING *- Feeling put upon when he is unable to live up to his promises or obligations, the p/a man retreats from pressures around him and sulks, pouts and withdraws.
> 
> 
> A passive-aggressive man won't have every single one of these traits, but he'll have many of them. He may have other traits as well, which are not passive-aggressive. .. (condensed from this book >>
> Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression - From the Bedroom to the Boardroom : Scott Wetzler: Books


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## Rasbuten66

I was reading through the list of P-A traits and could easily see that he has some. The one he is the total opposite is about lateness..he is someone who likes to get places early and doesn't like it when others keep him waiting. 

I would love for him to read the article and these posts but not sure how to broach the topic...do I send him the link and hope he reads it? Initially when I found this website and posted I did tell him and he did say he'd read what I posted but then I had second thoughts. From past history we'd email and there was too much assumptions and reactions based on assumption. If he read it while I was with him and available to chat about it on the spot I would prefer that. Not sure he would...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359

Oh, my, my Ex could be the poster boy for that description of passive-aggressive men (are p.a. women any different?). I knew he was p.a., but I had kind of forgotten--whew, just reading it made me want to divorce him all over again. 

Sorry, just had to comment!


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## SimplyAmorous

Rasbuten66 said:


> I was reading through the list of P-A traits and could easily see that he has some. The one he is the total opposite is about lateness..he is someone who likes to get places early and doesn't like it when others keep him waiting.
> 
> I would love for him to read the article and these posts but not sure how to broach the topic...do I send him the link and hope he reads it? Initially when I found this website and posted I did tell him and he did say he'd read what I posted but then I had second thoughts. From past history we'd email and there was too much assumptions and reactions based on assumption. If he read it while I was with him and available to chat about it on the spot I would prefer that. Not sure he would...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If it was me, I would just ask him...see if he is OPEN to sit down together, and read... talk about the issues.


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## Rasbuten66

Next time he and I get together I'll see how the mood is and go from there...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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