# How or can I fix this now? I think she has written me off.



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I apparently just suck as a partner! Lost my previous SO after 10yrs because I did not commit but always had reserve with her. 

I started dating another woman with a young daughter. were together 4yrs. The issue has been neither of our homes were big enough for all of us, including my 2 sons which I have 50% of the time. I have been working on building a new place for us, even have lumber on the ground right now! However, the process is just taking way longer than expected because I am building it myself. Lots of red tape. 

She had been pressing me to do something and just get us together. We live 10mi apart but it has been stressful for me to pack myself and the boys to go to her house every night. I work from home and have to take care of my own home as well. 

Just before Christmas she was really wanting to see me, but as usual, I have sort of blew her off. I am trying to come to terms that I seem to have some self image issues as well and when I feel I don't look good (pimple or whatever), I don't want to see her. It seems to be costing me everything. 

So about a week before Christmas, we had a phone conversation and she was just tired of the cat and mouse games. I simply agreed and said maybe it will be easier if we end it. I spend Xmas and NY by myself. It was a rough holiday. 

After some hard thinking, I have come to realize that my persistence in not losing a bunch of money renting a home, may not have been worth it. It feels like a choice between financial gain or my family. I want my family worse. I started thinking hard about how I can correct this and have a few solutions, BUT it seems the damage may be done. She won't even talk to me, removed me from FB, etc. I want to have a simple talk, but seems I have royally hosed myself here. 

I had considered just running over there to try to talk but afraid that could go bad. She always said I would never fight for her, but I am trying! What is harder for me is I am very bonded to her little girl from 1yo. I am losing 2, not just 1. 

Her txt simply say, "plz stop, im sorry but im moving on". I realize I probably won't like the advice I get here which is probably to accept it and move on, but I feel like even though it took a LOT to push me to the red zone, I feel like I know what needs done and ready to act. Even if we spin the wheels losing money and moving around, her ultimate goal was that she wanted to be under the same roof and have a ring. 

Am I ultra screwed here?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Yea


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

You can give it a shot, but normally once a woman decides she is done, she is done. Also, don't be so hard on your self. You were doing the best that you could do based on what you knew when you did. Hindsight is always 20/20. We often see things we might have done different IF WE KNEW THEN WHAT WE KNOW NOW. But the reality is that we didn't know and even if we had, it might have been something else. So at this point, yea, you might give it one last shot, just so that you can honestly tell your self that you did everything you could do, but I would hold out a lot of hope. Your best bet is to now concentrate on finishing the house you started and working on your self.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Hey I guess I should be less flippant in my response:

You've left a bunch of nuggets of information that I'd want a whole heck of a lot more detail on, but in the end (as some guy said), it doesn't even matter.

Whatever the history, the most important parts of this at the moment are the fact that you're telling us you blew her off, and when she said she was tired of the cat and mouse game you agreed to split it off.

She's moving on, as she said she would.

How are you only now coming to grips with these feelings you have? Surely were they strong enough you would have fought more to make it work had you thought it was worth it (note: I'm not even saying it is worth it).

How do you know these feelings are genuine and not just you feeling bad and lonely?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I seem to have a list of issues that are coming to light as I am now near 40 and never married. At the top of the list is I don't communicate my feelings. I apparently just expect my SO to know how I feel. I felt building a new place with her in my future, even building her a home salon in there would mean I love her enough to do this. However, it is dragging on and on. It was supposed be done last year, now I am waiting for better weather to continue the challenge. I honestly don't think she understand how hard it is. And I am doing it by myself, including financially. She would literally be getting a mortgage free home. 

But, her "maternity clock" is ticking, and she wanted us together. 

Thinking back to how we started, we were very tight, as it always is in the beginning. Then I needed to forward my business and get the new place going. It causes me to be gone a LOT. It would have been easier if we were living in the same home and I can always return to her every night. I fought like mad to get all this going, then pack a bag and go to her house every night. It was wearing on me big time! 

I was really ready to just move into her place as it is bigger than mine, but then she rattles on about the stress in the house because it is too small for everyone, and I took a step back because I honestly feel, if the feelings are there, I can make do with a shoe box if I have to. She is not that way. She wants all the kids to have their own room. I can see that as a permanent solution, but we are talking temporary here! I guarantee I am moving by summer time this year! my job trailer is there, wood is there, my equipment is there. I just can only push so hard when it is 15* outside. 

I honestly felt like some of her reactions were a little childish but I think she is thinking more about the kids than I am. I have never seen a kid grow up unhappy saying that their house was too small. I think 2, 5yos can share a room for a bit!

I guess as far as genuine feelings, I don't know. I burned 10yrs with the wrong person. At least with my most recent SO, I always wanted to be around her and wanted her around me. I would rather spend time with her than my guy friends. I guess from about 6mo in, in my head, I planned on forever. We talked about it, but I always keep thinking I want things right. I wanted the new place done before a wedding, etc.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I'm going to highlight a few things you should think about.



bobsmith said:


> Just before Christmas she was really wanting to see me, but as usual, I have sort of blew her off. I am trying to come to terms that I seem to have some self image issues as well and when I feel I don't look good (pimple or whatever), I don't want to see her. It seems to be costing me everything.


This is pretty extreme, don't you think? A pimple is more important to you than seeing the woman who loves you?



bobsmith said:


> After some hard thinking, I have come to realize that my persistence in not losing a bunch of money renting a home, may not have been worth it. It feels like a choice between financial gain or my family. I want my family worse. I started thinking hard about how I can correct this and have a few solutions, BUT it seems the damage may be done. She won't even talk to me, removed me from FB, etc. I want to have a simple talk, but seems I have royally hosed myself here.


Sounds like you wanted everything to be a certain way before your relationship could progress.



bobsmith said:


> I realize I probably won't like the advice I get here which is probably to accept it and move on, but I feel like even though it took a LOT to push me to the red zone, I feel like I know what needs done and ready to act. Even if we spin the wheels losing money and moving around, her ultimate goal was that she wanted to be under the same roof and have a ring.


It might have been a loss of money, but it would have been a gain in intimacy.

But while you feel you have reached the 'red zone' just now, your girlfriend has probably been in her own for quite some time now, and you weren't doing a single thing to help her. That wears down a person. No wonder she's done with you.



bobsmith said:


> I seem to have a list of issues that are coming to light as I am now near 40 and never married. At the top of the list is I don't communicate my feelings. I apparently just expect my SO to know how I feel. I felt building a new place with her in my future, even building her a home salon in there would mean I love her enough to do this. However, it is dragging on and on. It was supposed be done last year, now I am waiting for better weather to continue the challenge. I honestly don't think she understand how hard it is. And I am doing it by myself, including financially. She would literally be getting a mortgage free home.


Again, you wanted everything to be just right before moving in together. You wanted everything to be just right before you married someone.

I'm sensing some perfectionist tendencies here, perhaps bordering on OCD.



bobsmith said:


> Thinking back to how we started, we were very tight, as it always is in the beginning. Then I needed to forward my business and get the new place going. It causes me to be gone a LOT. It would have been easier if we were living in the same home and I can always return to her every night. I fought like mad to get all this going, then pack a bag and go to her house every night. It was wearing on me big time!


The business had to be right, the house has to be right. Did your girlfriend ever get the sense from you that she was a priority at all?



bobsmith said:


> I guess as far as genuine feelings, I don't know. I burned 10yrs with the wrong person. At least with my most recent SO, I always wanted to be around her and wanted her around me. I would rather spend time with her than my guy friends. I guess from about 6mo in, in my head, I planned on forever. We talked about it, but I always keep thinking I want things right. I wanted the new place done before a wedding, etc.


More perfectionism here. Everything according to your plan. Did your plans ever include your girlfriend's opinion and feelings? Did you ever share them with her and ask what she thought, or did you just tell her how things were going to be?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Hopeful, thank you for the reply. I will try to explain a bit more about me. I think it is VERY obvious that I have issues, as you have indicated. It is pretty funny that I walk in just now from going over a "work truck" I bought with some special touch up paint I had my friends blend up for me, because I want it to look as good as it can. 

I don't say that in arrogance. I feel I must have a real problem! I am an engineer. My brain literally feel confused with chaos, yet I am living in it every single day! I honestly feel relaxed when I clean like mad and make something so perfect, I am not sure it can get more perfect. I know there are many people out there like me, but I would NEVER marry one! 

My former SO did not care about perection, lived in the moment, did not care about money, just wanted her family close to her. We are both Catholic. If all friggin times, I met her by pure coincidence at her own 30th birthday, and I didn't even know her! I was standing outside talking and she came up to me and wanted to know all about me. She is like "who the hell are you, I have never met you?", I was like "and who the hell are you?" Then she tells me I was at her birthday..... didn't I feel small, lol. We have been semi hooked at the heels ever since. 

I am probably jaded but she has always been very faithful and loyal. She loves and just wants love in return. She is gorgeous. Enough so that she is constantly hounded, making this matter even harder for me. Where I started having concerns is when we are out drinking, her words seems to attack me. It has caused me to leave her house several times because I just got tired of hearing her. She always seems to have a problem with everything I do. I never could understand. Looking back, I am starting to wonder if this was some of her frustration coming out, I just don't know. But I know when we are good, we are really good. 

I always felt VERY good being with her. She never made me feel like she wanted anything else. She was trying hard all the way up to Xmas. I feel like a failure to her. We went looking at Xmas lights together just before the bomb dropped. I never imagined we would hit bottom this hard and fast. I think Xmas apart toasted her. 

Honestly, the only thing I can think of doing right now is the old snail mail because she won't be expecting that. I don't know what she would do if I show up at her house. I don't want to get labelled a creep. I just know I only need an inch more cord and I can carry it all the way home. 

I realize I am not known on the net, but I am a problem solver and once I bury my head in a task, it will get done right. For some dumbass reason, I seemed to think my other projects had priority. I honestly had every intention of making her life magic, I was just too busy with everything else. 

As to my image complex, I guess, but God seemed to screw me over a bit with sporadically crappy skin. I got some sort of ingrown hair on my face last year that has now left a lifetime scar. It was embarrassing and I avoided her for over a week over it. I finally told her later but never would see her when that thing was raging. 

I know her, and I know her heart just wanted this to work, and probably still does, but she also seems to have this gear that once she makes up her mind, that is it. I am not sure God himself could break down her wall right now.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She has said clearly that she is moving on.
That means she wants you to let her go.
Respect her wishes. Chasing after her when she has asked you to stop is unwanted and will likely backfire on you, possibly in a bad way. 

Learn from your mistakes and do not make them in your next relationship.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Move on.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She has already said she is moving on so how can going to see her backfire? My concern is your over aanalizing and being unable to make decisions. If you want her go and get her. Take a ring, whatever. You are obviously inteligent or you would not have gotten through engineering school.

How ever, inteligent and smart are to different things. Looking at your priorities make me wonder if your are not dumber than a bag of rocks.

Faint heart never fair maiden won. Quit being yellow and go after her. Do not take no for an answer. Be her hero not a bad after thought. 

By the way “smart” engineers hire professional home builders. Stick to your own forte’ . I know this because I have been in the Home building business for over forty years.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ok so xmas isn't that long ago. I know when I'm done with the guy I'm ready to move on. So by now I'd probably be dating. However for years is a long time, so she might not of started dating yet. Her whole problem is you're moving slow and seeming to not care. So you want to fix it by a ring show up in propose. Show her that you love her more than anything else. Sit down discuss moving into a larger place temporarily. 

Frankly after 4 years if you aren't ready to marry it is time for Both of you to move on. Younger folk might go their whole life not committing to anything but people in their 40's kinda expect it. To me as a woman you dating a different woman for 10 years is a big red flag. Your current one was probably hoping for a ring for Christmas and instead heard from you that you want to call it quits. She might not EVER get over that. Or when she realized that wasn't happening and you didn't even want to get a place together she decided she didn't want to be the last girl who hung around for 10 years. Also you make it sound like she might still want kids with you, I wouldn't have kids in a non-committed relationship.

I think it's possible to fix. IF she hasn't started dating AND if you are willing to commit and show her you care.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Chaparral said:


> By the way “smart” engineers hire professional home builders. Stick to your own forte’ . I know this because I have been in the Home building business for over forty years.


Yea, I was gonna comment that there is a reason there's a lot of 'red tape'.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Build your own house? Seriously?? A house big enough for 5+ people takes professionals 7+ months. Are you crazy? You work at home, so you can't be in construction?

Why didn't you buy her a nice $10k diamond ring and show your serious about spending the rest of your lives together and growing old? Is it the money or commitment that gives you anxiety?

You should have bought an existing home and closed on it in 30 days and had everyone living under one roof, if you really wanted a blended family.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Build your own house? Seriously?? A house big enough for 5+ people takes professionals 7+ months. Are you crazy? You work at home, so you can't be in construction?


Dude is an engineer.

My experience with most engineers is that they think they are experts in everything.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound like you make decisions for both of you - in your head. You decide what's best (or what she must have meant with her words), independent of what she has said. And then you act on what you've unilaterally decided.

This sort of dynamic is dysfunctional and ill-fated for a couple because you are both always making different assumptions. You are always on different wavelengths.

I think your behavior over the holidays was the last straw for her. She said you wouldn't fight for her & she is clearly right. You're doing what you always do: you're defining 'fight for her' without understanding what she means by it. No doubt the actions she would have you take to fight for her are different from what you've done.

Not all women are done when they say they are. Some will come back and try again. You would need to stop overriding what she says with what you believe to be the 'truth of it.'

I'm assuming that you have just texted or called her. If so, this is half-assed and lukewarm. If you want to fight for her, you should try to talk to her in person. So what if she shoots you down? At least you tried.

ETA: Showing up to talk after a 4-year relationship and a no-drama breakup like yours can't be construed as 'creepy,' in my opinion. Even if it is, why would you let that stop you?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well I am going to run out there to see if she is around. I suspect she will just ask me to leave but who knows. She can be hard headed. This is a small town and her brother lives across the street so I feel like the birds will be chirping when I roll into town.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree, go with a ring and hope she's stupid enough to marry you with your problems which I doubt you can help. Good luck. 
See if you can buy a cubic zirconia and replace it if she says yes, lol.

You admittedly have some problems. You know even if she takes you back, you've got the figure out how to act in a normal manner to everyday situations.

I'd say your chances are about 5% success.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Your going to roll out there with what? Flowers? A promise to get a house? A ring?

You screwed up. Going out there just to see if she'll take you back or to see what's what is half-assed and shows you aren't committed, you just want what's convenient and easy. She past being your **** buddy.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well, she was not there, she went to work early. Verified she is at work though. 

Anastasia, finding a ring is VERY short notice! Also very unlikely she would just take me back in an instant and go along with that. Is there something else I can do to up the game? I really would like to try to make contact today. I don't want to wait and let things fizzle. She should be home in 3-4hrs.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

All you can do is go see her, detail how you feel you have messed things up and how you intend to fix it. Do not place any blame on her.

She'll either be open to it, or not. If not, forget her and move on. Once they lose their feelings totally, you'll never see them return.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> You sound like you make decisions for both of you - in your head. You decide what's best (or what she must have meant with her words), independent of what she has said. And then you act on what you've unilaterally decided.
> 
> This sort of dynamic is dysfunctional and ill-fated for a couple because you are both always making different assumptions. You are always on different wavelengths.
> 
> ...


I will agree with a lot of this. In many situations, she may simply complain about something. I ask for her opinion of something or what she wants and she replies with "I don't know".... Then I am in hot water for making a decision. I know building a house can be very stressful for couples. We are both picky and as many here pointed out, my engineering brain knows certain things like "there has to be a column here or the roof will collapse". These are certainly things that would need some work. 



May I ask, you mention "fight for her", I would like to know what you propose to make her feel more that I am fighting? I sort of agree with Anastasia that showing up empty handed may be a little weak? I am not sure a ring will be the right play as it might look like a "hail marry pass".


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I also wanted to ask. Her brother lives across the street. We are friends, maybe not besties, but get along good. I am curious if making contact with him would be even a good idea? Is that sort of teenager-ish? Not like "please talk to your sis for me", but more trying to find out when she is around or if I might be shot on site?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think staying radio-silent is telling her that you don't care. This is the opposite of what you feel, right?

I can suggest going out there with flowers (not a plant  ) & saying, 'Please, I'd just like to talk. I know you say you are moving on, but will you agree to talk?'

Very often when people decide on their own to give someone else 'space,' the person they are giving space to takes that to mean they don't give a ****.

You backed off over the holidays and she had no reason to think that you are invested in your relationship. You cement that idea with your wet-noodle response to her saying it's over. She thinks you only care about her when it's convenient for you and she's sick of that.

If she won't accept the flowers and/or says 'no' to the talk, then tell her that you are deeply sorry and that you love her. Leave it at that.

That's step 1 of fighting for her. How she reacts will tell you if she is really done.

And please don't talk to her brother before you try to talk to her. That might really piss her off.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

If you’re serious about getting her back, DO NOT GO OUT THERE WITHOUT THE DAMN RING. Jewelry stores have return policies, so what do you have to lose by buying it?

There really isn’t any other way to “up your game” at this point. And if she says yes (odds are low), please do as others have suggested and hire a professional builder for the house. Having built two homes when I was married, I don’t think you could get it done all by yourself in less than 5 years. There were days when there were teams of subcontractors just swarming the sites, and the projects STILL ran over.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> Is there something else I can do to up the game? I really would like to try to make contact today. I don't want to wait and let things fizzle. She should be home in 3-4hrs.


But she asked you to "please stop" and said she is "moving on." Do you see where you are focusing only on what YOU want to do; namely, see her? If I was faced with a similar situation, I'd be even more turned off if someone showed up after I made it clear I'm moving on.

You admit you have issues. Wouldn't it be more beneficial for you to work on yourself and learn from this experience? You had loads of time to do that while you were in the relationship. Now that she's pulled the plug, you want to make things right. But the way to make things right is to make things right with YOURSELF.

Frankly, I think if you show up, it is going to backfire badly. But my gut tells me you are going to do it regardless. JMO.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Fix yourself. You mentioned the housing situation was an issue, fix that. You can only control you and your doings, not hers. She does not want you as you are and in your situation, she wants better. Be better and improve what you can. 
If it were me I’d fight for her back, but missing Christmas and NY is really bad. I’d go old school and show up at her house with a buoquet of roses and tell her you love her and tell her that you’re sorry and tell her what you’re going to change and that you love her and her daughter and want to start a new life with them, and if she wants to talk she could call you, then leave and let her make a choice.
I think you’re going to end up alone if you cannot figure out how to live with another person.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> I also wanted to ask. Her brother lives across the street. We are friends, maybe not besties, but get along good. I am curious if making contact with him would be even a good idea? Is that sort of teenager-ish? Not like "please talk to your sis for me", but more trying to find out when she is around or if I might be shot on site?


The leave me alone text is a good indicator that she has moved on. I do not believe the brother will be of any assistance.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

This story is gonna end in a restraining order, isn't it?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I guess there's a line between fighting for your love of four years and stalking.

First let me say I'm under the assumption you haven't done much prior to today. Called once or texted. If that's true fighting for her would be fighting through your issues including your commitment issues and letting the not perfects stop you from doing things.

Or worrying about the little birds gossiping. If you love her you go big and you don't care if you might lose and others might know. Because well you love her. Getting her back matters more than the other things.

Me I'd do a ring even if you couldn't find a nice one I'd do something symbolic.

I'd drive over with flowers and a ring I'd get her to the door and I'd say listen. I know I screwed up. I let things overwhelm me and get in the way. When that happened I didn't react right to you asking if we should just forget it.

Here's the thing I love you, I want to help raise (insert name) I love her too. I want us to be together and this holiday apart has made me realize I don't want to ever be apart. Will you marry me? Will you agree to be mine? 

I have this token ring and if you say yes we will pick out a nicer one together (insert how and when no ambiguity).

At this point you let her talk.

You suggest having dinner and discussing the things that have gotten in the way and acceptable solutions. This is where you can come up with a plan for either getting a contractor to finish the house or you moving in her small house or renting a different house for all to live together.

She might say no, she might already be dating someone else, but four years can be hard to walk away from if she thinks you are going to commit and listen to her concerns.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Oh BTW think eighties movies. Cheesy romantic let nothing stop me. That's how you fight for your girl. 

And if you've already called 100 times then yeah now you're into creepy territory. But if not go for it. If you do end up with a restraining order (can't see that happening) then it won't matter because you won't need to see her anyway. And you'll know you at least tried to show her you love her.

Words are easy, cheap and not trustworthy often. Action, willingness to fail horribly, to give up pride that's the signs of love.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well, let me explain more as I am second guessing trying to see her. When I am away, we mostly communicate via txt. I have never been a huge fan but it can be faster at times. We were communicating normally on 12/19 but that was about the time we talked about parting ways and I agreed. One 12/22 I dropped off some Xmas gifts I already had for her. She was working so I just left them. She thanked me via txt. 

After Xmas I asked how she liked the gifts. She was short but said thank you. on 1/1, I txt that I missed her and was hurting to see her. She told me to stop, she was moving on. Every communication since then has been to stop, im sorry, im moving on, etc. I have pretty much been pouring my heart out since then. 

Today has just been rough and I just got in this truck this morn hoping to catch her at home. She wasn't home. After I finally just decided to txt that I really needed to talk to her and need to come by tonight. She did not even need to speak, just listen. She told me to stop, do not come over, leave her alone, etc. 

I do not honestly believe she is dating someone else. We were talking just before Xmas but I guess I have been wrong about people before. 

Every communication from her kinda leads me to not show up there. Or at least txt the brother to let him know I would stop and won't be any drama. 

I can tell you, having been with her for 4yrs, she has a switch to just turn people off. She is using it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Your lack of commitment has lost you 2 women. There was no reason why you couldn't have both sold your homes and bought somewhere large enough for the 2 families. It would have taken a mere few months. You didn't need to build one yourself. 10 years and then 4 years is a very long time not to be committed or get engaged or married. I don't blame her for giving up.
You need to respect her wishes and leave her alone. You pestering her all the time will drive her further away.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

So you're driving backwards and forwards to her house, have your kids 3.5 days a week, run your own business, your own home, are building a new home intended for all of you and are also expected to waste money on a rented place in the meantime to make her life easier. And off the back of one almighty sh!t test, you're supposed to go round with a ring begging?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

OK, with this new, more detailed information, I would try to leave her alone.

I'm sorry, but your lack of engagement during the holidays appears to have been the final straw for her.

It's also still new. Let things cool down. Maybe she will get in touch.

I'm sorry.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I take it back. Let her go. It's obvious you still aren't ready for commitment. And she knows it.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I know my ignorance is in black and white here, but curious what made you say that? Just curious. 

On some off, stupid chance that I got in, I did actually go buy a ring!!!! I highly doubt I will need it, but I did not want to be ill-prepared. I wanted her to at least know I am dead serious. My simple plan was to have 'a' ring as a gesture, but take her to buy the real deal with her so we could pick it out. There is just no way I have any navigation at all on style of rings. They all look the same to me. 

As Catholics, before we marry, there is a certain amount of "relationship testing" that probably seems like a joke to some, but is required through the church and I was sort of was excited about it because I have heard of engagements getting squashed because people figure out they are not ready, and I know we would both want to do everything to know for sure. Engagement is one thing, signing the paper is another.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> I know my ignorance is in black and white here, but curious what made you say that? Just curious.
> 
> On some off, stupid chance that I got in, I did actually go buy a ring!!!! I highly doubt I will need it, but I did not want to be ill-prepared. I wanted her to at least know I am dead serious. My simple plan was to have 'a' ring as a gesture, but take her to buy the real deal with her so we could pick it out. There is just no way I have any navigation at all on style of rings. They all look the same to me.
> 
> As Catholics, before we marry, there is a certain amount of "relationship testing" that probably seems like a joke to some, but is required through the church and I was sort of was excited about it because I have heard of engagements getting squashed because people figure out they are not ready, and I know we would both want to do everything to know for sure. Engagement is one thing, signing the paper is another.


I am sure that the RC church doesn't allow for sex before marriage and would teach that you marry sooner rather than later. I think you are a commitment phobe. 10 years and then 4 years with no engagement or marriage shows that.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My advice and opinion... 
Do not go buy a ring. It'll be a waste of money. 

As I said already, leave her alone. She has asked for you to stop. Respect her wishes.

The dwindling communication says as much. She is done with you. Believe her.

Whether she's banging sometime else or not, is no longer your concern or business. Do not speculate. 

It hurts, but it is what it is.

Learn from the experience and grow.
Many women will not wait for years and years for commitment. You know this now.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Yep she has moved on .

You should also.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Satya said:


> My advice and opinion...
> Do not go buy a ring. It'll be a waste of money.
> 
> As I said already, leave her alone. She has asked for you to stop. Respect her wishes.
> ...


I agree about the ring. She will know that you have only bought it because she doesn't want any more to do with you, and not because you really want to marry her. You should have bought it 2 or 3 years ago.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

If she has a switch, let her go. Find someone without one.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

After reading your last post, I’m retracting my advice. She really has moved on so no need for one more try with a ring. Stay away or you’re likely to get served with a restraining order. (Btw, it would have been helpful to include all that info in your first post. Just sayin’).

As others have stated, live and learn. Get some IC so you won’t repeat this pattern for the third time. Better yet, stay single for awhile and work on yourself.

What are you going to do with the house project, seeing as you already have the land and lumber?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Why don't you just buy a home instead of build one?

Why are you the only person trucking yourself and kids back and forth to spend the night?

Why can't you get a babysitter to watch kids for some evenings instead of trucking them with you?

Could your parents take the kids for an overnight?

I mean, there's a lot of stuff going on here I just don't get.

I think it's for the best that it is over.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> Well, let me explain more as I am second guessing trying to see her. When I am away, we mostly communicate via txt. I have never been a huge fan but it can be faster at times. We were communicating normally on 12/19 but that was about the time we talked about parting ways and I agreed. One 12/22 I dropped off some Xmas gifts I already had for her. She was working so I just left them. She thanked me via txt.
> 
> After Xmas I asked how she liked the gifts. She was short but said thank you. on 1/1, I txt that I missed her and was hurting to see her. She told me to stop, she was moving on. Every communication since then has been to stop, im sorry, im moving on, etc. I have pretty much been pouring my heart out since then.
> 
> ...


In what way? Everything else you say above is the opposite.



> I can tell you, having been with her for 4yrs, she has a switch to just turn people off. She is using it.


You are stalking her. She told you to stop. Stop.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, I know you are hurting, but she is done. Lots (most) women have an off switch and you e said it's off. Neither hell or high water will ever turn it back on.

There is nothing more for you to do here, but move on. There are other women out there.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

The only reason I thought there might be a fair shot here is when we parted ways, she was telling me how she just was not seeing me enough, wanted more, and did not want to leave, but thought it might be best. I just agreed because I was going through some other challenges and she seems to pick the worst possible time to have a relationship talk. I didn't want to deal with it. 

Do I really think she 'wants' to be done? I highly doubt it. Do I think she would swallow her pride after telling people we are done? Again, highly doubt it. 


I don't know what I even want at this point. Most of me thinks if I have to work this hard to get her back, it won't be worth it. I changed big time after my first SO. I don't trust, I don't believe, and I just plan for the end. I am so much better at 'hooking up', but I must have a 'keeper' stamp on my head because as soon as I bang one, they want a full relationship. Then it takes over a year just to see who they really are. Hell, I haven't even told anyone I was single and my best friend's ex texted me last night at 11. BARF..... No friggin way that will happen.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Just have an update and thought I might share. 

Talked to one of her best friends but also one of my best friend's wives. She validated some of my commitment concerns that my ex has some blaring issues with adult communication as well as acting pretty childish at times. Long story short, I did not have to say a word, all the concerns I had in my head, she brought right up and said she will have the same issues with me or anyone else. At least I feel a little better. She also said she knows her and likely all pissed off and will probably contact after she cools down. Not sure I am all excited about that though. Childish. Said she agreed that after 4+ yrs, I at least deserve an in person chat to clear the air. 

So, after feeling a little more "empowered", I decided to get at the old facebook acct and start clearing the way. She had already blocked me so I was just removing what was left including my profile pic with both of us. then while I was working, all these pics popped back up on my photo page. I was confused but realized these were all the pics she tagged me in (she takes all the pics). She had unblocked me, probably to try to snoop on me. So I went to work to remove all tags from her, and blocked her. 

Why would I do that? Am I being childish? I really don't think so. She won't even talk to me, but thinks having me tagged all over her social page and trying to spy is OK.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You really don't get it. 
Good luck. 
Hope one day you'll find a chick you bang worthy of committment.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Regarding FB, good job on blocking her. Now avoid all of the HS drama going forward. 

And consider changing your future relationship strategy - get to know a woman better before you "bang" her.

Oiy...


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Bang all the women you want. Just don't let them get too close to you or your kids until you know them a lot better.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Dude, get used to this. People do NOT think you're committed until you've done the deed. You're building a house? Statistically, people who do that do NOT get a less expensive house. You might have checked into such things. The fastest I've ever seen someone "build their own house" is 3 years...which feels like forever to the person you've put on hold. Think about how much older the kids are after two years.

Did you ever propose selling both houses so you could afford a properly-sized one? Did you ever do a financial analysis to determine whether you have adequate income to support all the kids AND a proper sized house? It's possible that you were over-reaching.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

bobsmith said:


> Do I really think she 'wants' to be done? I highly doubt it.
> 
> Most of me thinks if I have to work this hard to get her back, it won't be worth it. I am so much better at 'hooking up', but I must have a 'keeper' stamp on my head because as soon as I bang one, they want a full relationship.


This looks completely deluded.

And you've pretty much just reinforced that you just aren't into the work of a relationship.

It's been four years. She's through waiting for you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Regardless of who was childish in this relationship, the fact is it is over. You can take her inventory and try to figure out her flaws. However, I think it would be extremely constructive and wise for you to take your own inventory first. You mentioned you have issues. So how about you focus on what is yours to own and work on yourself? Just remember that water seeks its own level. Those with similar issues often hook up with each other. Perhaps you, too, are a bit immature.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> The only reason I thought there might be a fair shot here is when we parted ways, she was telling me how she just was not seeing me enough, wanted more, and did not want to leave, but thought it might be best. I just agreed because I was going through some other challenges and she seems to pick the worst possible time to have a relationship talk. I didn't want to deal with it.
> 
> Do I really think she 'wants' to be done? I highly doubt it. Do I think she would swallow her pride after telling people we are done? Again, highly doubt it.
> 
> ...


So one day you're begging for another chance and she's wonderful and you're considering getting a ring, the next you're a ladies man and she's an immature knucklehead?

Dude, you've got to look at what you're doing and start making up your mind about how you feel about someone. Either you're in all the way, or out.
Your "keeper" stamp must have an expiration date, because you're out having to look for a new woman.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

From what you have written you just us women. You are not husband and father material. You seem to have issues and you need to get counseling. Have you been diagnosed by any doctors?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I wasn't going to respond but I thought "what the hell". I wanted to mention a few things. First, keep in mind that many people that come here are HURTING and looking for some help. This has become more of a bashing exercise. 

When I mention "banging", I simply mean that I seem to attract deeper individuals that seek more than simple NSA, and makes staying detached difficult. I have done it on occasion but I have come to realize (at least in my mind) that I am a deeper person and things hurt more for me than others. 

The reason I mention a level of immaturity is after talking with several women, all seem to agree that after this long, I sort of feel I deserve at least a little closure, but maybe not. She has undoubtedly told her daughter I am just "gone", and feels like she is simply taking one of my children away. I was bonded TIGHT to that little girl, and I know she is hurting.


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