# How do you know



## yorkie (Jul 19, 2010)

Hi

I/we have been going through a "bad" patch for somewhere between 18months and 2 years. In a lot of ways it probably started when I changed jobs 3 years ago. It was a very stressful job and ended up requiring long hours and being on call all the time, after about 2 years of this I managed to change my role and suddenly all the issues that had been bubbling away had time to surface and we hit a very rocky patch. 

I called it out and we did some counselling for several months not really seeming to agree on a way forward. I considered separation about a year ago and went through a parenting through separation course which made me realise how hard it would be on the boys (6,2). I backed away from it at the time and tried to work some more on the relationship.

A year on and I feel we are more disconnected than ever, I lost my job earlier this year because I was trying to over compensate and spend even more time with the family and relationship. The associated financial pressure obviously didn't help and although I have now found a new job that has virtually no stress in comparison and gives me a decent work/life balance we continue to deteriorate.

We are essentially like 2 strangers living in the same house, my partner (we are not married) spends all her available time on the PC and out of site. We struggle to agree on roles and responsibilities, and it is I think a source of dissatifaction for both of us that the other doesn't do more.

I read some of the posts on here and I start worrying about the kids again. Someone once told me that if I/we are okay (together or apart) the kids will be too, but that seems easy from the outside. 

How do you know when to call it a day?

Thanks


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

You don't really describe any "major" issues here - just feeling disconnected.

What have you done to try and reconnect? Maybe try taking a short trip together - alone. Start having date nights. You fell in love with this person for "some" reason. If there's nothing driving you away, put in some effort and see what happens!

Just my thoughts...good luck.


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## yorkie (Jul 19, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> You don't really describe any "major" issues here - just feeling disconnected.
> 
> What have you done to try and reconnect? Maybe try taking a short trip together - alone. Start having date nights. You fell in love with this person for "some" reason. If there's nothing driving you away, put in some effort and see what happens!
> 
> Just my thoughts...good luck.


It's true, we have had our share of fights but never over anything serious. 

We have become disconnected, a trip away might help but we have nobody to leave the kids with all our family is overseas and the one person we had who would look after them moved to Oz as well. 

We tried date nights for a while, but we ended up at the movies - not a great way to reconnect. The hardest thing for me is the "i don't know" answer which is rolled out soooo often. It is hard to reconnect when we have diverged so far.

As to why we fell in love - I guess she was proactive and had a plan for what she wanted, including me . Now she has a plan for staying at home with the kid(s) (she wants number 3) and I feel like a meal ticket to make that happen. As an example 2 weeks after starting my new job she wanted to go to a rugby test $250, a concert $300 and put our second car back on the road $1000 all at the same time. 

I will give the trip ago I think, you are right that I maybe can put more effort - or at least one last hurrah before breaking the family apart.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You need to make up your mind, and maybe that is part of the problem. First, you post about your concern for the children. Then you post little concern for the children along with some resentment for having to be the only one financially supporting of them. Boohoo you don't want to be the family's meal ticket. You don't want your woman and mother of your children living off of you. This is the woman you act like is your wife, whom you obviously have no respect for.

So she changed her mind, so what. You don't have to change course every time a woman changes her mind, but surely you agree that her being a stay at home mom is better for the children than both parents working. Most moms work because they have to or if it isn't a must, then they don't work unless they want to. But most kids are raising themselves and running wild with no values, no sense of worth, no stability and structure in their lives, no discipline, and so on. Mom working outside the home is not a terrible thing, but working inside the home is the ideal situation for the children. So are you thinking for the kids' sake or not? You can't go half way because one part suits you and the other doesn't. Either give a darn about the children or don't pretend you do.

All your money, huh? If you were my husband/partner, you wouldn't have to be thinking about leaving. You'd already be gone. It was too simple to take care of the issue by both of you sitting down and working out a family budget together. And after coming out from under the financial stress that you described, there is nothing wrong with either of you wanting some extravagance and pleasure. That could have been worked out also. But no, you don't want her spending YOUR money.

If you want to maintain such a rigid view of family structure and trying to force life, your partner/wife, finances, and everything to be the way you want, then perhaps you should leave. Your children will hardly be the first products of divorce, and the two of you will never be able to come to a happy and mutual agreement. You will make sure of that.


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## yorkie (Jul 19, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> You need to make up your mind, and maybe that is part of the problem. First, you post about your concern for the children. Then you post little concern for the children along with some resentment for having to be the only one financially supporting of them. Boohoo you don't want to be the family's meal ticket. You don't want your woman and mother of your children living off of you. This is the woman you act like is your wife, whom you obviously have no respect for.
> 
> So she changed her mind, so what. You don't have to change course every time a woman changes her mind, but surely you agree that her being a stay at home mom is better for the children than both parents working. Most moms work because they have to or if it isn't a must, then they don't work unless they want to. But most kids are raising themselves and running wild with no values, no sense of worth, no stability and structure in their lives, no discipline, and so on. Mom working outside the home is not a terrible thing, but working inside the home is the ideal situation for the children. So are you thinking for the kids' sake or not? You can't go half way because one part suits you and the other doesn't. Either give a darn about the children or don't pretend you do.
> 
> ...


Hi Susan 2010

Thanks for your comments, I agree that being at home with the kids is "ideal". I also think that ideal is being with the kids, not off on the internet for hours a day. It was recently school holidays here and on the last weekend my oldest asked me if he could watch a DVD of his school play that I was trying to copy for the grandparents - my partners response was "no" because "you have been sat in front of the TV for the last 2 weeks". Is that being at home with the kids? Even when we ran 2 cars the other car was used for trips to the library for my partner not trips to the park for the boys.

The current day looks something like this: I get up at 5am with the youngest (he doesn't sleep very well). My partner gets up at 6 when I go in the shower and head off for work. When I get back about 5 in the evening we have dinner (cooking is about 50/50) and then I have the kids until bed time while she has "downtime", there is no us time. On the weekends it is the same routine except I do the shopping and take the kids out while she will tag along occasionally or stay at home for more "downtime". 

As an example last night I said I would like to talk to her once the kids were in bed to try and kick off a conversation about us going away for a couple of days. She had to go to a PTA meeting, she even left 15 minutes early for a 5 minute walk down the road. When she came back she planted herself on the internet until coming to bed. 

The finance issue, this came up last year and we talked about it. I said lets split everything 50/50, the income and the bills but she didn't want to. So I was forced to continue managing the income and the bills. You are right that I didn't agree with spending the excess. I want to buy a house and make sure we have some retirement money - is that wrong? Who would carry the debt if we blew lots of money and split up? Me?

From my perspective there is no balance in the relationship most things are 90-100% one way or the other I don't think anything is remotely 50/50 in our house, and that has led to the disconnection. 

I agree I am to blame for how this issue came about, I took a job that was a huge pay rise and then ended up in stress city for 2 years. It was a huge mistake, especially in the context of child #2 being born in this time. I feel (perhaps rightly, perhaps wrongly) that I have called out the issues and tried to work to some resolution but as I said when the stock answer is "I don't know", I hit a wall that I don't know how to get around.


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