# Doubts about marriage...anyone been there?



## LostGirl (Mar 8, 2011)

I am not looking for other people to solve my problems, but I'd love to hear from others who have been in my situation and maybe how they've moved past it. The problem is I'm having serious doubts about my marriage, and I've had doubts about the relationship I'm in on and off for the entire relationship. So much of the time I'm happy, but then when these doubts come up, I just feel like I'm falling apart. Here's a little background.

My husband and I have been married 2 years and been in a relationship for about 5 years. Neither of us ever had a serious relationship before, and when we met, I know we were both looking for the same things. We got along great immediately and quickly entered into a relationship. However, I always felt a lack of physical chemistry on my end. I liked feeling close to him physically, but I never felt a "spark" when we kissed and somehow always felt like there was something missing. To be perfectly honest, I really never felt anything when I've kissed a guy and when I read or hear about this supposed "spark" people seem to feel, I get upset that I'll never get to feel that. But I remained with him because we enjoyed spending time together, and he is a wonderful, thoughtful man and he made me happy most of the time. I really can't imagine anyone better than him for me, and I hoped over time that I would feel more strongly for him. Over time, our relationship has grown in a positive way. I never get tired of him and I'm happier when we're together than when I'm by myself. We have a lot in common and we don't fight often. I know how lucky I am to have someone like him in my life. 

But at the same time, I still have these doubts in the back of my mind about our marriage. I'm not sure if I'm "in love" with him, and honestly I'm not sure if I ever was. It's like I want to love him more than I actually do and my heart just won't listen to my brain. During our entire relationship, I've had doubts. I remember thinking about breaking up with him so many times while we were dating. But I didn't do it partly because I was scared of hurting him, and partly because I didn't want to let a great guy go if there was a chance I could learn to love him more in the future. Sometimes I feel fine and content, but then I'll be reading about a romance or watching a movie where people talk about how they feel when they are in love, what they feel when they kiss someone they love, and how they are so sure about it and I just know that I've never felt sure about this...and then i get depressed. I can't even pinpoint what is missing. The closest I've come to describing it is a lack of passion. I realize fairy tales aren't real and that nothing is perfect, but I am certain there is something more that is missing. And I feel guilty because my husband definitely feels more strongly for me than I do for him. I really want to feel the same way, but I know I never have. I never felt "sure" of the relationship.

I went to therapy last summer for a while. And it felt better to discuss this with someone, but I never really came to any solution to the issue. Eventually I just started feeling better about my relationship and stopped going to therapy. But if these feelings keep coming up, I don't know if I should just keep ignoring them and hope they go away. We don't have any kids yet and I feel like I can't think about having kids until this is resolved in my mind because it will only make things more messy. I haven't been attracted to any other men since I've been in this relationship (in more than a "hey he's cute" kinda way) and it's not like there is someone else I want to be with. But I don't want to waste either of our time any more if this isn't right. To be fair, I ended up telling him how I was feeling last summer and he was definitely worried for a while. But he knows I am a person who has many irrational thoughts and I think he brushed it off as me just looking for things to worry about. And maybe I do. I don't know. Anyway, I'm just curious if anyone has felt this way before and if so, how you dealt with it. I decided to go back to therapy, but I'm just curious to know what impartial people might think about the situation.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I have to say that you have taken the right steps with therapy and being honest with him.

What's your sex life like? Do you feel any attraction to him in a man/woman sense or are you just real good roommates?


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi this is awful for you as you have already married him. But I feel that in love this man isn't for you . However he will be a fantastic life partner and probrable father in the future . To be honest in my experience the men we do feel a spark with usually turns out to be the bad guy that breaks our hearts.

This is a difficult one because something is nagging away at you telling you it's not enough for you.

However you could go through life never finding what you have now. It's a hard choice to make depending on how old you are I would stay with your husband and try to make it work, but again one day this nagging thought will come to the surface until you do something about it. I feel for you as I have been there too , and after 7 years left , we are still friends now , and the guy I met afterwards I was so in love with but busted me wide open , and now my heart is sad. good luck :smthumbup:


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## LostGirl (Mar 8, 2011)

Chris- I am attracted to him and our sex life has gone through phases over the course of the relationship. It's been good at times and then other times it is nonexistent for months. To be honest, I don't think it's ever been great but at one point when things were really bad, we talked about it and it did improve drastically for some time. So I always felt like there was some hope in that department.

Kendra- I feel like you understand me perfectly. The only other guy in my life that I once thought I was in love with (before my husband) was more a "bad" guy and not husband material at all. I do know what I have and sometimes I can picture my life with my husband and see so many wonderful things in the future. There have been so many wonderful things already that I feel guilty for not being completely satisfied. I am 28, but I don't know if that really makes a difference in how to handle this...


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## jasmine (Nov 9, 2009)

Hi Lost Girl,

I read your post and I could not believe how much your emotions mirrored mine at the moment! I can totally relate to how you are feeling. It is strange because I just found this forum and did not expect to see any posts relate to my situation. I was beginning to feel like I was the only one!

I too have been married two years..been with my husband for 5 years in total. We do not have kids yet and also in my late 20s. 

I have had the on and off feeling too. Sometime I feel fine with us and the next, I just feel confused. He is so sweet to me and def a good man. When i first met my husband, we were actually friends first and it grew into something more. I cant say i found him attractive at first but he grew on me.. I too have had times when intimacy is good but i dont feel it is really that often.. most of the time i dont want too.. I am his first love.. but he is not mine. My first love ended up in heartbreak.. I often also watch the movies and feel the same way you describe in your post.

I was in counselling last year... as i was feeling so confused and actually was moving more towards a separation because i was really feeling something was missing and i really was just so unhappy. I also stopped my counselling sessions as things got better again. But i am now back to square one.. scared to speak out loud for it to be a reality..I do not want to hurt my husband and do want it to work. This is the first time i have let it out.. i have been lying to my friends telling them i am fine when really i am feeling terrible and worried for my marriage. I just dont know if we have a future together, i dont really know how i feel about him anymore.. 

I do not know what i am going to do either. But plan to explore this feeling because it is not healthy and i dont want us to think about kids etc when things are the way they are. I do want my marriage to work too but i just dont know howé

So i am sorry i can give you any advice, but know that you are not alone!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm confused. You say you are attracted to him but there is no passion. Can you explain? Do you think he is attractive or feel a strong, sexual attraction to him? How would you describe the difference between your attraction, as it is, and passion?


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## daison (Mar 3, 2011)

I'd rather be in a marriage founded on hard work and dedication, than a "spark". I hope the counselling helps you both!

I feel like if you truly want the relationship to work, and he does too, then any "hurt" you cause him will be quickly forgotten. It sounds like you (and jasmine) both have good relationships and with a little bit of work you'll come through for the better


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## pink7 (Jul 28, 2011)

lostgirl,

I feel exactly as you do in my marriage. I guess my situation may be a little more severe because I recently married about 3 months ago. Just as you, I love my husband, but I can't say that I'm in love. We dated over 8 years prior to marrying. Although we are intimate at times, I don't enjoy it as I feel a wife should. I kind of blame the many years of dating, ups and downs and cheating in the past (both of us at fault) for the lackluster intimacy in our marriage. I just think all of those years of dating has drained the excitement out of marriage. Maybe that's why I feel the way I do now. He is a good-hearted person, cares for my well-being and my family and I know he would give me the world if he could, but I think I married moreso for convenience and comfort. It just seemed like the thing to do after being together for all these years and I definitely can't fathom being alone now.

I have been so down about it all, I take pain medication ocassionally to relieve me. I even have thoughts of cheating again, but I pray God rid me of these temptations because I want to remain faithful to my vows. I haven't done any counseling since before marriage. I guess I should do more...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Once upon a time, I was young, married, and I kept wondering when I'd have that steamy, down-n-dirty, animal type lust for my husband.

Never had it. Our sex life wasn't bad, but I didn't get all hot and bothered thinking about my husband while I was at work.

He was a great guy; probably one of the nicest men I've ever known. But I just didn't feel any physical passion in a way that made me want to rip his shirt and pants off when he came through the door after work.

Four boring years into the marriage I had an affair with a jerk. But it certainly was great sex and I had the hots for the guy. I broke the affair off, came clean with my wonderful husband, and he forgave me. One year later, I was back on the affair-a-go-round with another loser. In that case, my marriage broke up.

So ... fast-forward to today. I happened to find my long-ago ex-huband on FB. Darn, he aged really, really well. And, with the luxury of age comes (hopefully) a bit more wisdom. If I had the ability to love when I was 23 with the mindset I have now, I would never have left a great guy.

I'm not saying you should stay or leave. MC may help, but in some cases the "spark" or certain physical chemistry, just isn't there. I don't know why. In my case, I found out I was drawn to slime because I (1) was rabidly codependent, (2) had no self-esteem, and (3) enjoyed the thrill of the chase. Immature and stupid would sum up my mindset back then. (And I AM NOT saying you are immature or stupid!)

Just take some time to look at your overall situation. A MC could offer suggestions to spark some enthusiasm. It may work. Just don't give up yet. Believe me, all that hot and frantic sex depicted in the movies and novels paints a false picture of what real love is.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

LostGirl said:


> ...I've kissed a guy and when I read or hear about this supposed "spark" people seem to feel, I get upset that I'll never get to feel that.


IMHO the "spark" is when your brain cant tell the dif between love and lust. Im sure you can recall lots of stories about girls feeling the spark during the first kiss, and how they fell madly in love and are no happily married. Im sure for every story like this there are 100x more that dont work out.



LostGirl said:


> but then I'll be reading about a romance or watching a movie where people talk about how they feel when they are in love, what they feel when they kiss someone they love, and how they are so sure about it and I just know that I've never felt sure about this...and then i get depressed. .


Romance in movies, tv, novels are as real as the scenes in porn. Maybe this will offer insight 20 years down the road when you catch your hubby in the computer room with a box of kleenex.



LostGirl said:


> I can't even pinpoint what is missing. The closest I've come to describing it is a lack of passion. I realize fairy tales aren't real and that nothing is perfect, but I am certain there is something more that is missing. but I'm just curious to know what impartial people might think about the situation.


You seem to have an agnostic outlook on love, if that makes any sence to you. Maybe even a little naive? I dont mean to insult you. That is not my objective. 
After the honeymoon year I started to see the grass on the otherside of the fence. It was green. Really green. But I tell you what, the grass will always be greener on the other side, its just part of this materialistic, greedy, lustful world we grow up in. 

I dont believe in soulmates, and find the entire idea of soulmates to be born of ignorance. My wife makes me very very happy. Could I be happier? Sure. But I dont need to be. Happiness isnt a 1 - 10 scale. Either your happy with who you are with, or you are not.


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## learning2love (Oct 15, 2012)

Hello all,

I am a 34 year woman who has been engaged for 3 months. My fiance and I are supposed to get married in about 8 months. We have been dating for a year and a half and I have had so many doubts about our relationship even prior to the engagement. I don't believe that I have ever been in love with my fiance. My issue is that my fiance is a very loyal and committed "alpha" male but has an extremely difficult personality. He is overly opinionated and feels as if is a know-it-all. Initially, I had a problem with him not respecting my space and disregarding me when I needed "me-time". His overbearing personality caused me to start remniscing about my ex. My ex was the love of my life, we got along and we had a very passionate relationship. We broke up because I had a sexual encounter with a female and he couldn't get over it and pushed me away. We discussed the incident and he admitted that the fling was not the reason he pushed me away but rather, he felt as if he was not stable or mature enough to be with me. He claims that he felt that my fling was an opportunity for him to back out of our relationship. Although he won't admit it, I also think that he was unfaithful. My ex is 6 years younger than I so I felt as if he needed to experience life so I moved out of town and we ended the relationship. When I moved we continued to communicate and my ex said that he wanted to be with me. I said that if he wanted to be with that he would need to move where I was. My ex felt pressure and although we had a set date..never showed up.. After plenty of tears shed, rejection and heartbreak, I decided to move on in my life and allow him to do the same. About two weeks after tears shedding for my ex, I met my now fiance and we seemed to have so much in common. After about 3 months into the relationship I felt as if he was a bit demanding and disregarded me; I was not happy but have tried to make it work. In the midst of our relationship I expressed to him my unhappiness and he learned my feelings for my ex. Although I expressed to him my uncertainties and confusion about our relationship, he proposed. His proposal was basically his way of saying we are either going to move forward or not. I was not ready to make the decision to leave so I said yes. Now my ex who found a new girlfriend and is now breaking up with her is moving to my city..My fiance is working on his difficult personality..and I am confused...Please Help!! I don't know if I should be getting married??


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Lostgirl chick flicks and romance novels have destroyed your views on how love should be. That's not love. That's a nicholas sparks novel. It's not reality. Sparks aren't real.

Are you attracted to him, or aren't you? If the answer is yes, congratulations. That's as close to sparks as you'll ever get in life with anybody.

Learning 2 love, can you start your own thread? People will better be able to answer you.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

I've been through that phase of picking "bad guys" and falling in love with them then having my heart broken. I met a man who seemed like one of the "nice guys", the kind I never chose to go out with. I thought he was attractive, though I wasn't attracted to him. As in he was good looking but I certainly wouldn't have turned my head to look at him if he passed me on the street. So I decided to give him a chance and then told myself that there was nothing wrong with him, he was affectionate, kind, thoughtful everything you are supposed to want so I said yes when he asked me to marry him. 

I knew on my wedding day that I wasn't in love with him. He didn't excite me. I went through with the wedding though because I told myself, this is what I _should_ want, a great guy, right? After three years of marriage I finally came to terms that I would never be in love with him and never be attracted to him. It felt like we were just roomates. I divorced him and have found someone that I love deeply and still feel that lust for. My SO now is someone that is all of the good things but I also cannot get enough of him. I am excited every day for him to walk through the door, I look at him at random times and just think how sexy he is and how lucky I am and he feels the same. What is portrayed in movies isn't real but I do think that having passion in your relationship is important.

Life is too short in my opinion to spend your time settling because you think you should be with someone. Just because a person looks good on paper if you aren't feeling it find someone that really does actually fulfill you. I can't say that you should leave or not, only you know how you feel in your heart. If you feel like you are in love with him then work through your feelings to keep this together. If you know deep down that you really don't love him don't waste his time or yours, especially since you don't have kids yet.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Let me give all of of not 'in-love" ladies/wives some advice from the other side... dealing with a wife just like you all. Mrs not "in-love" but almost there... why? ACTIONS. 


in-Love.... from both sides

loving ACTIONS towards your spouse produce loving feelings.

Shared ACTION are making LOVE which produce loving feelings.

Its all ACTIONS... to get the 'in-love' feeling.

You can't just sit around and expect it to OCCUR.
You women are too into how you FEEL (That is your weakness)... its up to YOU to create the FEELING... not your husbands.

He in turn needs to do his part....which he will. He responds to your loving ACTIONS.

Your husbands seem less than ideal in your heads because you all refuse to do ACTIONS that produce loving feelings.

You all just sit around and hope they come and come here and complain about it.

So either get busy choosing ACTIONS daily and with purpose that show love for YOUR SPOUSE so you feel loving about making them happy.

Or do them a HUGE favor and divorce them I'm sure Prince Charming is out there or hat BAD BOY you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Its up to each spouse to choose either individual or shared ACTIONS to produce loving feelings!

Its all ACTION not just sitting around waiting for elusive butterflies!


You get out of marriage WHAT YOU PUT INTO IT! You are all questioning "in-love" frankly be cause you chose INACTION over ACTION.

Look in the mirror.. what is he last loving ACTION you did towards YOUR SPOUSE??

I can literally list multiple ones each day... what do I get in return?
How many loving Actions do your husbands do? Do they wash YOUR CAR, do they take out YOUR TRASH, do they SAY I love you, do they bring you FLOWERS, do they kill the icky bugs, do they trap the mice, do they do your taxes, do they clean your garage, do they watch shows you know they hate to be with YOU, do they literally drive to four different stores looking for a music CD for you because you are going to a concert with friends later that week so you could listen to songs ahead of it, do they do anything you ASK... its ALL ACTIONS!

Does your husband ASK anything of you? I don't ask anything .... I only EXPECT sex.

I challenge you ladies what is the last truly loving thing you have done specifically for your spouse? Not your family.... YOUR SPOUSE.

That doesn't involve a holiday? What do you do multiple times DAILY for your spouse? Not your family...HIM?

Do you do it DAILY?

Your husband react to you based on you choice of ACTIONS he will step up his game if you step up yours to find that IN-LOVE thing you speak of.

Its a marriage not a high school crush! Takes WORK. Quit being lazy. Then you will find IN-LOVE. Start thinking of LOVE as ACTIONS instead of as FEELINGS.

You want it to just happen... NEVER WILL with that attitude. Do your part you control your ACTIONS. Start thinking what you can do to show your husbands LOVE... daily!

Wives believe what they do for the FAMILY of for THEMSELVES is good enough for their HUSBANDS. They feel that they are awesome, busy and he is lucky to have sex with you when you want and you don't need to worry about him. then you lose that FEELING and wit hold sex or give him less than great sex. That that makes him upset so he does LESS.

Women yes you need to give lots and lots of great SEX to your husbands... regardless of how you FEEL its an EXPECTATION (As he as NEEDS and no other way to get them filled other than YOU spreading your legs or other accepting some of him)and that's just the surface....You NEED to show your husbands loving ACTIONS daily. Every day for HIM. When is he last time you said 'I love you" to HIM. When is he last time you said 'Goodbye see you later" to HIM. When is the last time you HUGGED HIM. When is the last time you told HIM how much he means to YOU?

Quit living in your entitled fantasy world. GROW UP! Get Busy if you want to feel 'In-love'

Yes this is what your HUSBAND would tell you to your face if they weren't so afraid of YOU.
Men are so SIMPLE! Your FEELINGS are your downfall congrats on messing your marriages up all over feelings.

You married him..give him the WIFE he married.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

HEY! I wrote my spouse a love letter earlier tyvm!


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Trying2figureitout - I think you have bigger issues than anyone else posting here. You are obviously talking about your own relationship. There is no _fake it till you make it_ when it comes to being in love with someone. If you had it at the beginning it's possible to get it back. If you never had it then you probably never will. You make it sound like anyone can be in love with anyone if they just try hard enough and that is NOT true.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Soifon said:


> Trying2figureitout - I think you have bigger issues than anyone else posting here. You are obviously talking about your own relationship. There is no _fake it till you make it_ when it comes to being in love with someone. If you had it at the beginning it's possible to get it back. If you never had it then you probably never will. You make it sound like anyone can be in love with anyone if they just try hard enough and that is NOT true.



Listen... You think I have issues I do. At least I'm doing something about them.

You wives don't want to hear the truth... that's your problem. You all want to make it way more complicated than it is. Part of the ME society.

Most of you who are complaining became your husbands MOM... his nagging MOM. He grew out of he needing a MOM stage years ago.

No one held a gun to your head to MARRY him so at some point you were DEEPLY in love as you wouldn't be naive enough to marry for any other reason..right? 

The stuff you RESENT have you ever taken two seconds to see your part in it? Everything my wife complained about was a direct result of her cutting loving actions back at some point. My slight over drinking and yelling at the kids that led to ILYNILWY.

My wife got to INTO HER OWN LIFE. We are now remedying that and its taken much work on both ends.

So whatever ladies... look in the mirror.


Takes more than "love letters" it takes direct calculated ACTION everyday from YOU to produce in-love feelings................Again like you used to feel.

Truth hurts doesn't it... marriage is WORK. You wives don't want to do the DAILY WORK it takes.
Ladies more often mess it up than men because of their feelings and sense of ENTITLEMENT.

Those complaining are taking their husbands for granted.

How do you think he feels, he feel in-love because he does ACTIONS towards you ...Everyday to show you love. He doesn't have an issue...you do. You are the ones doing nothing daily for your SPOUSE and you are he ones dictating his sex life and how his needs get satisfied. Why don't you tell him the #1 need you have of HIM so when he feels like it he can simply withhold it from you whenever you want it...just because he doesn't feel like providing it or even better...as a way to punish you. How fun is that!

That would be so fair wouldn't it????

What is your #1 or #2 need and does your husband think its optional?

My wife's is talking/conversing... do I become a mute most of the time, I did once because I was angry for half a day...just because and I could not stand hurting her. Because its very cruel to HER.

Yet women think nothing of withholding SEX as a "punishment" they are cruel. Why should a woman dictate your marital sex life?

Marriage is a partnership...no room for cruel behaviors. Your husband has no other VIABLE alternative than you being his willing sexual lover. Most all of the time because his body tells him its THAT TIME often. Its his main way of connecting with you emotionally/physically... giving you some of him. So that you are sexually satisfied with him in you and not likely looking for another male to give you part of that other male...he is protecting you from other males.. Its all in our DNA as a man and you wives complaining toy with it... you are cruel whenever you deny your husband sex.

Yes part of this is my own life so I know about it... if you ladies take two seconds to do your own research you will see what I say is the way it is ladies... you create your own misery. You don't appreciate your spouse and hence don't feel 'in-LOVE' its all on you to change that through your ACTIONS towards him. He is doing his part based on what you provide HIM.

Are you a wife? or are you a MOM to him and your kids. You used to be his WIFE long ago.

Feelings=actions

At least I'm in-love with my wife and waiting for her to return rather than complaining about it and doing NOTHING. You all control your feelings and you all control your ACTIONS.

The law of reciprocity will take effect if BOTH choose to show love through ACTIONS.
Wake up YOU ARE MARRIED! Make the best of it and do your part.

I actually feel sorry for women...they over value feelings when simple daily actions are needed. Glad I'm a guy. I can remain 'happy' and 'in-love' regardless of the lame temporary situation my wife and I created together.

If you are not willing to do the WORK to show your SPOUSES LOVE... do him a favor and DIVORCE him today. He deserves better. He deserves a wife that's into him NOT A nagging MOM.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Yes

T2 ascribes all of his sacrifice and commitment to love. His wife almost certainly perceives it as 'approval seeking', behavior. Gain her approval so she will feel desire. 

He has her so far up on a pedestal that: She is allowed to hold every mistake he ever made against him, while he is not allowed to critique anything she does.

In the 'goddess/unworthy worshipper', model the goddess doesn't tend to sleep with the guy on his knees daily praying for access to her body.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Yes
> 
> T2 ascribes all of his sacrifice and commitment to love. His wife almost certainly perceives it as 'approval seeking', behavior. Gain her approval so she will feel desire.
> 
> ...


MEM shut it. I don't ever beg or plead, I expect to be treated a certain way.. What I do is show my wife enough love regardless... because its the right thing to do. I ALWAYS stand up to her now, so again shut it. I'm happy are you?
I have a plan...my wife has a choice to return to a sexual marriage or no marriage.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You wanted to know about other people's experiences with these feelings.

I've been married for close to 30 yrs. (together for 34) to a man with whom I absolutely have the spark, passion, chemistry, whatever you call it. He is also honorable, considerate, funny, ridiculously smart, and a great father.

But here's the thing - he wasn't always like this. Having all of these things together is rare, in my opinion & in my case, we've had plenty of ups and downs, times when he wasn't such a great father or I wasn't such a dedicated wife.

Feelings change a lot over time - they grow, develop - they change. You can fall in and out of love & then back in.

One thing I can say for absolute certain. If you work on yourself, if you do the things you think you should do to be a person that you can admire, including showing true compassion and respect for your spouse, you might be surprised how he responds. And once he responds, you might be surprised how your feelings evolve.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Yet women think nothing of withholding SEX as a "punishment" they are cruel. Why should a woman dictate your marital sex life?
> 
> Marriage is a partnership...no room for cruel behaviors. Your husband has no other VIABLE alternative than you being his willing sexual lover. Most all of the time because his body tells him its THAT TIME often. Its his main way of connecting with you emotionally/physically... giving you some of him...


I think this is incredibly important. Women and men do feel differently about the sex element in marriage, but I believe it's absolutely essential for a woman to respect the feelings that her husband has about their sex life.

The idea of 'withholding' sex has always been ridiculous to me. It's not just a matter of intimacy, but one of dignity - How would I feel if my H turned me down? It would strike deeply at my self-esteem, my heart. So why would I do that to him, the person I say I love?

And I would hope that my H can have the same awareness on issues that I have that are different from his own sensibilities. As he's gotten older, he's definitely become more compassionate toward me in this regard. It's definitely a two-way street, though, & I respect him enough to make an effort to understand his perspective on things.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

AD, 
Yes - respect is a requirement in order to have healthy compromise in marriage. It would be very damaging for most people to endure 3-4 years of Sexlessness while they are doing everything possible to become worthy enough for their partner to sleep with on a regular basis. 

Equally it would be abusive if I projected a low opinion of my wife because her desire level is lower than mine.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> AD,
> Yes - respect is a requirement in order to have healthy compromise in marriage. It would be very damaging for most people to endure 3-4 years of Sexlessness while they are doing everything possible to become worthy enough for their partner to sleep with on a regular basis.
> 
> Equally it would be abusive if I projected a low opinion of my wife because her desire level is lower than mine.


Mem it is damaging. I always have my issue on my mind..always. That is not good. Can I survive it...YES.

My wife is worth my best effort. Having a plan helps immensely in cases like mine.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think mutual respect goes to the heart of the question of whether you can develop passion with your spouse.

I've seen people who treat complete strangers on the street with more respect than their spouses. And this can be in marriages that wouldn't even be described as troubled.

Respect doesn't have to be a selfless thing, though. It probably isn't for me. I just believe that you should treat people the way you would want them to treat you. This should be esp. true regarding the people we love. If we can see our spouses through this lens, we can see them with compassion. We can identify with their ways of thinking, their feelings; we can see them as vulnerable just like us, but also committed just like us.

Seeing the humanity in your spouse isn't hard if you just let down some of the resentments that build up over the years and grind away in your mind in an endless cycle. This gets exhausting after a while & if you can just decide you won't spend your life grinding away like that, that you want to do something happier and more constructive, your spouse might respond in a good way. The decision comes from you.

For OP, the famed chemistry isn't a gift from above or a chemical reaction that is either there or not there. It can develop; chemistry can go hand in hand with intellectual admiration and general feelings of affection and tenderness. If you want to really try to have that chemistry with your H, it's not something that he can do for you - I think the change has to start with you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> AD,
> Yes - respect is a requirement in order to have healthy compromise in marriage. It would be very damaging for most people to endure 3-4 years of Sexlessness while they are doing everything possible to become worthy enough for their partner to sleep with on a regular basis.
> 
> Equally it would be abusive if I projected a low opinion of my wife because her desire level is lower than mine.


Very damaging indeed. I admit I couldn't/wouldn't do that. Again, if there's respect, the idea of 'becoming worthy' should be nonexistent. (Yes, and I definitely get cases of abuse and infidelity, but the OP isn't dealing with that here & my comments assume a healthier marriage.)


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