# Buffer



## Buffer

Morning,
New to here, did over 24 years in the Navy, them moved into Law Enforcement.
A BS, did everything wrong, did the pick me dance like Fred Astaire.
Have been married to the same woman for over 36 years, three children all adults.
When I met my partner I was in the military as a career. Married, moved to a overseas posting then back home to Australia. 
All my time at sea (Navy), deployed for months at a time, working vessels for operational deployments I never received any mail, cards, anything. When at home it was like I was a distraction.
Can’t talk about the DDay, other than it stills kills me all these years later.
As I say I danced, and did the biggest rug sweep any one has ever seen.
The consequences of this is, I suffer bouts of depression have no self esteem at all. I am always confident, yet have such a low self worth, I hate myself.
Strange as I teach martial arts, female self defence and operational safety, Firearms, spray Baton etc. I box, kick box, am a 4th dan in Karate. I train in a gym five days a week minimum for at least 90 minutes at a time, both weights and cardio. 
Well that’s me.
Buffer


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## EleGirl

Welcome to TAM!

What I gather from your post is that you are still married to you wife and still live with her. Its that right?

With your bouts of depression, have you seen a doctor about something to help you work through the depression?


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## Tilted 1

You speak with unbelief because, she controls the narrative because you would rather be with her than with out her. Because you teach and do the above, doesn't mean you can stand up for yourself. 

Time has come to take control and hold her accountable for her past infidelity. Do what you must get ... 
Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
Book by Jean Coppock Staeheli and Shirley Glass.

And find the the path to recovery. It is she who must do the heavy lifting. And exposing her is required for you. And to whom her had her affair with spouse. Honesty has no time limits, but are your going to be able to endure this? 

How long ago was this and do you know with who? You are showing the beta man trait, and because your need to be validated by her and your life and career at that time. Don't get weakkneed and your children will not understand either , but you are not doing this for them but you! What triggered this episode? Are you feeling something in your gut? If you can share more for us to give you the best advice.


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## aquarius1

Welcome to TAM!
Sorry that this is happening.
Clearly the affair has had long term consequences. As Tilted1 says, you need to take back control of the narrative.
As we age, our mortality stares us in the face, making us reassess earlier life decisions.
Counselling may help with this.
Listen to people here. You wont agree with everyone, and some people can be blunt. But you'll learn.
You are here because you need answers and some kind of closure.
Self reflection is hard. Sounds like you're ready.


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## MattMatt

Welcome on board, @Buffer. 

You will find the help and resources that you need here.


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## SunCMars

Having served in the military for 4 decades (both Active and as a Reservist), I know how the folks back home feel and act.

In your case, they got used to dad not being home. The money came in, they were provided for....

Many, in the military cheat or get cheated on. It is a fact of life. 

Separation equals loneliness, equals opportunities to cheat. Your wife cheated. It is obvious that you forgave her and you reconciled.

But, that damn but! :|

Reconciliation does not necessarily equal forgiveness.

You may have forgiven her, but you did not forgive yourself for the 'weakness' you 'still' feel for doing this.

It sounds like she is not deserving of this 'rug sweeping' that you did.

If this is the case, tell us why.

When you make sacrifices for another person you expect that person to appreciate it.
And...you expect that the effort was (in the long run) worth the effort.

Do you still love this wife of yours?
Do you think she is remorseful?
Do you still think she is deserving of your forgiveness?

How did she act when you finally retired, or left the Navy?


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## SunCMars

The other issue, not always mentioned is the fact that those family members back home make large sacrifices, also.

The children lose and miss a parent.

The stay at home parent sleeps alone in bed, has no one to comfort them, no one to be intimate with.
This IS a big deal.

It sounds like you realized that and forgave her, for her weaknesses and straying. 
That was both big of you and also knowing of you.

You knew when you were gone for months at a time, she would be tempted. 

And you saw your shipmates, many of them going through the same thing you were going through.
Infidelity back home, and infidelity around you, with fellow sailors fooling around on their spouses.

Did you remain true to her?
It sounds like you did..

Life in the military is hard. For the member, for the family.

If you feel your wife is no longer worth the effort (to remain with her), let this marriage go.

People divorce all the time.

You have honored your country and commitments, am I correct?
If so, now honor yourself, make the tough decision.


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## SunCMars

Buffer...

You buffed her clean when she became corrupted, got corroded, and lost her luster.

Does she still shine in your eyes?

If yes, why?
If not, why?

What do you want us to say?

Say......stay, or slay the marriage?

We are flexible, you sound trapped in despair.



TT 1-


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## alte Dame

I know how it feels when you swallow your pride and just keep moving along, for everyone's sake. You can reach a point when the children are older where you just have to pull that thing out of your craw and deal with it. You need to finally stand up for yourself.

Tell your wife how you feel. Find a couples counselor that will facilitate an airing of your feelings. Try to come to some peace with the reality of where you are now. You can get to a better emotional place. Confronting the reality is the first step, in my opinion.


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## sunsetmist

A buffer prevents something/someone else from being harmed or that prevents two things from harming each other. How are you a buffer?

I'm sensing that you are about ready to make a change. You likely have many years left. Truly. How do you want to spend them? If you left, she would get part of your retirement? 

Was your marriage ever fulfilling? Did you ever feel loved or respected? No mail/no recognition is painful. Did you/could you write home? 

Sounds like you make a statement by the 'toughman' life you employ, but inside there is emptiness? Anger?

Now, the "I hate myself" statement is the key. Some say depression is anger turned inward. You cannot undo the past. What do you hate? Bad choice of spouse, maybe. We ALL want to be loved. Marriage is 50/50. Infidelity is 100% on her. She knew your career when she married you--tough on both. 

DDay was painful--did your 'connection/intimacy' end there or was it the beginning of the end? Stuffing your pain will not help you heal. It is like a scabbed sore, but all the pus and infection are underneath. Find a great therapist and get to work on you--can't change her. Maybe, try to connect with kids, grandkids, friends, others who could support you.

Glad you came to TAM!


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## aquarius1

sunsetmist said:


> Now, the "I hate myself" statement is the key. Some say depression is anger turned inward. You cannot undo the past. What do you hate? Bad choice of spouse, maybe. We ALL want to be loved. Marriage is 50/50. Infidelity is 100% on her. She knew your career when she married you--tough on both.


Quote of the day "Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past"

Time to rip off that band-aid and get to work on YOU. 

You are definitely worth it. And it's time.


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## hillybilly2785

I’d like to say I agree with the others who said that she married you, and understood what she was getting into. Making a commitment to someone, means making a commitment through the ugly parts as well. 
Does she have an interest in you as a partner now? Or do you still just exist along side her?
36 years is a long time to spend with a person who doesn’t value you as a partner and equal. Therefore, I’m sure it will take a long time to soften all of the callouses that formed as a way of trying to keep yourself protected. 
However, if she isn’t interested in fixing things or has no interest in righting any wrongs, it might not give you the result you were hoping for, to work on things with her in therapy. You may benefit better from individual counseling.
I don’t know you, but just from here it’s easy to that you’re loyal. Trustworthy. You care enough to search for answers. You take care of yourself physically, now it’s time to take care of yourself emotionally as well. You deserve it and are entitled to that.


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## arbitrator

*If marriage counseling has not been a part of your looking for answers, @Buffer ~ then it should at least be given cursory consideration!

If, however, it does not prove to be beneficial in any way, then you might well have to try to formulate an exit plan for yourself!

You deserve to be duly respected as a husband and treated far better than what you currently are!*


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## Adelais

Welcome Buffer.

Find a marriage counselor who doesn't push rug-sweeping, but who understands the process a BS goes through in reconciliation.

Be prepared for your wife to balk that you are hurt, all these years later. When you found out about the infidelity, was she remorseful? How has she behaved all the years after it?


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## Buffer

Thanks for your words of kindness and encouragement.

I will try to answer them shortly.
I am still married to my wife. 
I did try IC for my depression but other medical issues raised it head in the family and I went military mode took charge and placed myself last. Typical male I suppose.


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## MattMatt

@Buffer, what help do you need?

There are several different sections on TAM, when you are ready make a post in the section that most fits your needs.


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## She'sStillGotIt

There isn't a woman or man on this planet worth THAT high a price tag.

I'll say it. I'm sorry you chose to compromise your own values and principles and self respect by staying with this woman. Apparently, you're *still* paying the price for having betrayed your own principles.

Was she *really *worth all this, OP? I mean..._really_?


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## Tilted 1

Buffer said:


> Thanks for your words of kindness and encouragement.
> 
> I will try to answer them shortly.
> I am still married to my wife.
> I did try IC for my depression but other medical issues raised it head in the family and
> 
> 
> I went military mode took charge and placed myself last. Typical male I suppose.


Sorry if you went military mode, you fail the mission and subjected your losses as acceptable. No modern infantry/sailor man would see this as accepting defeat, not only with the family but mostly yourself. Falling on your sword isn't honorable, just a easy way out, like the Japanese because of shame you do the unthinkable. Not the way to do this.


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## Rob_1

The least you could have done was to verify (DNA) that the kids are all yours...did you?


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## SunCMars

Rob_1 said:


> The least you could have done was to verify (DNA) that the kids are all yours...did you?


The mood poisoners, keep-a-comin' ! :surprise::frown2::|


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## SunCMars

Failure happens. 
It is natural.
We learn from it.

Repeat failure is hard hardheadedness, that unwillingness to grow.

Some things in life ARE insurmountable, this situation is not one of them.

Note: this is a life cycle you are going through, it will pass, but the scars will never go away.



King Brian-


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## SunCMars

alte Dame said:


> I know how it feels when you swallow your pride and just keep moving along, for everyone's sake. *You can reach a point* when the children are older where you just have to pull that thing out of your craw and deal with it. You need to finally stand up for yourself.


That point is often a timing thing, I use the word (cycle). 
..............................................................................................

For that duration that followed the infidelity, you were still in the military, on their clock, and on their watch. It took a toll on your felt-worth, it depressed any joy that you felt.

When you left the military, you went on your own clock (plus, your current employers clock, if any).

You are no longer distracted by your far away duties, you must face this woman every day. 
You must look in her eyes. 
Every time she says something 'unpleasant', her sin, and your resentment resurface in your mind. 

....................................................................................

I suspect you are in your late 50's, dunno.

One cycle may be at play here:

Transiting Saturn 'might' be dogging you, depressing your Moon, or chilling, somehow, your seventh house.

Hmm.

As mentioned, whatever the cycle is, it will pass. 
Well, most do, before the last dance is called.


KB-


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## Buffer

Children are mine, they are the spitting image of me all good looking, haha. Nah but seriously they have my same features, blood type, etc. Looked like A individual Minnie me when born.
I am late 50s, still working full time, shift. Tried talking about the past the other day during a minor disagreement, ‘why’ but it got closed down, it was long ago, ‘You still thinking about it’ etc. Didn’t keep at it but have booked into IC as suggested here. Will have my first appointment in two weeks due to the time of year. Unfortunately the gym is only open during day shift. Hanging out to lift something heavy to try and make it light. Gym will go back to normal hours next week, thank goodness.


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## Rob_1

@SunCMars: this is not about "mood poisoners" this is about the harsh reality that needs to be finally confronted by the OP, regardless.


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## SunCMars

Rob_1 said:


> @SunCMars: this is not about "mood poisoners" this is about the harsh reality that needs to be finally confronted by the OP, regardless.


Sure, worth checking out...

Of course, it may be true, or not, this bitter brew. 
A child, the children being another man's.

The notion.

Just the thought of it, is poisonous to think on.
..................................................

Remember: The brain is made up of ~77% water.

And poison is often water born.

Brain derived thoughts can be that elixir, and death drunk, at last.
Call it psychosomatic, it matters not, not in the end so cast.

Since, in the end, it can kill, it is thus worse than water boarding.
Mr. Buffer, him feeling this depression, rejection, his contempt held, hoarding.

This, that notion that another man has impregnated the love of his life, it said.
We know a POSOM dispensed his seed in wifey's garden, and he thus dispensed that snide breed in our OP, in @Buffer's head.

It drives many a man crazy, knowing his wife's garden has been penetrated by some strange worm.
It leaves his mind contaminated with some foul worm's dirt, it damned, we know it done spurt, 
Maybe true, maybe not, maybe another man's child was brought to term.

Aye, the thought, that dirt, it doth hurt.
It is poison.


Gwendolyn-


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## SunCMars

After all those years feeling crushed, short of air, short of proud 'Airs'.....

I would pack it in. Divorce.


Let people say Karma was fat and lazy and got to her, your wife, so many years late.

Any action short of this will be felt as worthless, and when others ask of her, say she is your 'late', not great.

You, feeling that worth, less than 'ought to be', feeling that sour mouth filled, spate.


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## alte Dame

Lots of people who have rugswept get to this point. Your WW will naturally feel blindsided and put upon, but you are not living her life for her. You are living your life for you. If you are in pain, then it's perfectly reasonable to start confronting the problem that is causing it.

Tell her that. Why not? Get some IC, yes, but make sure that the IC isn't one of those that says, 'That's in the past. We're headed into the future!' Don't hesitate to switch IC's if you find yourself with more rugsweeping.

Work on you and soon enough it will become clearer how to heal the pain and live a happier life. (I would vote for divorce, I think, but some people disinfect the wound and can have a new marriage.)


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## EleGirl

@Buffer

How long ago was D-day, the day you found out about the affair?


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## SunCMars

EleGirl said:


> @Buffer
> 
> How long ago was D-day, the day you found out about the affair?


Yes, we now seek, _the rest of the story._

'Wince', we are no longer strangers. It will be good to unload, to tell all.
Remember, we have heard it all, likely worse.

You remain anonymous. 
As are all of us.



KB-


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