# Does the "fog" ever really lift?



## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Really - has anyone ever seen the "fog" lift and the DS come "crawling back" if they've played the cake and eat it too thing for a few months, but were already out of the house when the REAL reason for the separation was discovered??? I've been surprisingly okay over the last few days - maybe because I was able to focus on the kids and Christmas or maybe because I've started to harden and train my brain not to really think about it anymore in an attempt at self-preservation. But, the frustration at the whole situation still lurks. No matter how much I read about the fog, see my counselor and try to understand, I simply don't. I don't understand him throwing it all away and not running back. We were best friends and now, it's like the enemy was living in my camp. Not that I would take him back, but it's the ultimate rejection not to even have them give it a shot. .... So, I ask - has anyone ever seen it happen? Because from my point of view, it's not lookin' good, Mr. Kotter. ...


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

When you clearly know that your spouse won't want you back, will you feel guilty to walk away from him? Vice & versa, you have already showed your husband that you don't want him back, so that meant he should just let go. Why not? 
Men are like this, "I'm already in troubles anyway why I can't order more beer and enjoy myself?"
Do you really need to see him crawl?


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

blownaway said:


> So, I ask - has anyone ever seen it happen?


Quite a few times.

The problem is there is no predicting if and when it will ever happen with a certain person.

There are so many factors involved it's just impossible to predict. Not to add more confusion but there may be factors involved that neither one of you were ever aware of.

Yes, I've seen it happen even when they were already out of the house when the real reason for the separation was discovered.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I don't think there is a way to predict that. Some crawl back 3 days after they leave,some come back years after divorce, some never come back. Some probably cant swallow their pride to admit they did something wrong and admit the real reason for the breakup in the first place and they continue to rationalize their actions in order not to feel guilty. But I think and this is what I am being told is not to count too much on that fog lifting in order for YOU to be able to move on for yourself not for him/or her. I know it is easier said than done.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

My wife never wanted to leave or end our marriage. She was just in search of herself and was depressed.

Others step out for the fun of it and realize that the "grass is not greener" when the attraction, romance and passion stages of love wear off and the "relationship" moves into the intimacy and commitment stages (see the 5 stages of love-Google it). This is usually when "the fog" lifts.

And unfortunately for some, the new partner is actually better suited or more of the same and he won't return.

Don't base your happiness of his groveling back. The best thing you can do is be happy with yourself so that when a new partner does appear, you are in the right frame of mind to receive that person. You don't want the remnants of your former relationship to sour your new thing.


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

I think so. I think my H's fog may have lifted. I am treading cautiously however. 

Like the OP. My H was already out of our home and we were talking divorce. I actually retained a lawyer and had him served after a year of hearing " I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I had always suspected he was having an emotional affair with his step-cousin who lived over 1000 miles away. I later learned it was physical as they were seeing each other when she was visiting other family in town and he was secretly flying down to see her too. To say I was crushed is an understatement.

Upon learning of the physical nature, I forwarded all the evidence I had to OW's husband. He was taken by surprise too. I did however express my concerns about their "friendship" many times earlier in the year and he kinda poo-pooed it. As if I was crazy to think of such a thing. Anyway, he got a rude awakening...She eventually came clean to him and my H came clean with me...Then they started throwing each other under the bus and trying to make each other look like it was more one's fault than the other

My H started to see the OW for what she was. A lying home wrecking *****. (oops, I guess I still have a little anger there) She had a physical affair before this too. She basically blamed it all on my H and claimed she was trying to break it off for months and that he was "psychotic." Let's just say his eyes were wide open now as to how much he was being used. He had basically lost everything while SHE was still living in her home with her child and living the "life style" while her husband had no idea what she was up to. 

When I let the cat out of the bag, she turned on him so quickly it lifted the FOG and it lifted fast. He quickly produced email conversations between them, that painted a very different picture than what she was claiming. In addition to that, my H had been coming around more often, trying to do nice things for me, being helpful, and even taking me out for our anniversary. This was before I knew of the PA, so what he was saying and what he was showing me (emails) did add up to him having second thoughts about divorcing me. He just didn't want me to find out and tell her husband. He was still protecting her. 

Looking back, I don't think the "fog" would have lifted had I not told her H. Because he never would have seen her true colors. 

Also, throughout this past year, I had always said to him, "I don't know what would make you throw away your family." I was nice to him most of the time, but did stand up for myself and told him to leave our home. I even had to call the police a few times when he refused to leave. I was not playing games toward the end. He was about to lose everything and he knew it!!! 

Wow! This got long... Anyway, to answer your question, I would say, YES! The fog can lift. It has been 3 months, individual counseling and marriage counseling and things are looking good. (knocking on wood) He has become completely transparent and is doing EVERYTHING he is suppose to be doing to regain my trust. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I still bust into tears when I think about what he did and how he gave to her something so sacred to OUR marriage. I am hoping I can find a way to deal with that over time.

Be strong!!!!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

blownaway said:


> Really - has anyone ever seen the "fog" lift and the DS come "crawling back" if they've played the cake and eat it too thing for a few months, but were already out of the house when the REAL reason for the separation was discovered??? I've been surprisingly okay over the last few days - maybe because I was able to focus on the kids and Christmas or maybe because I've started to harden and train my brain not to really think about it anymore in an attempt at self-preservation. But, the frustration at the whole situation still lurks. No matter how much I read about the fog, see my counselor and try to understand, I simply don't. I don't understand him throwing it all away and not running back. We were best friends and now, it's like the enemy was living in my camp. Not that I would take him back, but it's the ultimate rejection not to even have them give it a shot. .... So, I ask - has anyone ever seen it happen? Because from my point of view, it's not lookin' good, Mr. Kotter. ...


Well....I can't tell if his fog has lifted, but my husband or ex-husband (?) has been pretty depressed or sad lately....he's been really nice to me...sort of caring....see my "Odd behavior" post here.....even though I gave him his divorce (signed it) so there shouldn't be a reason for him to be behaving like that anymore (act like he cares to get me to sign)....

Last night I caught him crying in the shower because we're going to have to put our dog down  ...

I hugged him and we were both sobbing and holding on to each other tight....

After a while we went to bed and just held each other crying away there for about an hour.....he kissed me hair and my cheek, caressed me and eventually we were kissing....for the first time in months....really passionate kiss....

Eventually it lead to sex..... 

I know it's totally against what I was wanting to do (180), but we were both so vulnerable.... 

After that I was going to go to sleep on my side of the bed, but he pulled me in his arms and we fell asleep like this...

He might just be needing somebody because of our dog.....but to me it seems like he does have some regret.....at least a little....

I'm not getting my hopes up.....still doing what I need to do for myself, but I'm noticing !!!

I pray that eventually he will want to reconcile, but again....I'm not holding my breath, but living one day at a time....for myself and the kids....


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

rome2012 said:


> Well....I can't tell if his fog has lifted, but my husband or ex-husband (?) has been pretty depressed or sad lately....he's been really nice to me...sort of caring....see my "Odd behavior" post here.....even though I gave him his divorce (signed it) so there shouldn't be a reason for him to be behaving like that anymore (act like he cares to get me to sign)....
> 
> Last night I caught him crying in the shower because we're going to have to put our dog down  ...
> 
> ...


Sounds a lot like how my H was acting for the last year....hmmm. I think the fog may be lifting.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Thanks for all the replies. We ended up having a phone conversation earlier today that turned into the most civil talk we've had in a really long time. It started out by me telling him (on my counselor's advice) that the kids need to start sleeping at his place on "his" days and weekends. I said that it doesn't look like he's going to come home so we need to move forward and make a more stable situation and that he needs to step up and be a dad again. He's had a few months of freedom where he's really just been a glorified babysitter and I told him that I need a little freedom too. Told him I will start moving on as well. That was not threatening or nasty, just a realistic comment (again, on the advice of my counselor). 

Then we started chatting about other things. Don't know how it evolved, but the talk just started. Nothing in detail about the A right now because even though it's the pink elephant in the room, neither is ready for that. I don't need to pound my head up against a wall at this point. But, I told him that I am very shaken and sad about this turn of events; that I recognize the negatives of the marriage and take 50% responsibility for those, but that he needs to own 100% the decision to move outside of the relationship. Then I just told him that I wish we had been able to talk civilly and rationally while all of this was happening and the "I love you but not in love with you" talk began. My reactions were generally not good at that point in time, but they were human. 

I ended the conversation by telling him that we can't be friends now because the pain is too much, that I need to try to move forward too, but that maybe someday we can talk more about what actually happened. I did not have this conversation as some plot to get him back and I frankly don't really think he will come back. I hold on to some hope because it's still pretty fresh and surreal that this monumental change is really going to take place, but I am also realistic. 

Surprisingly, he said that he also was glad we were having a civil conversation, and that he is starting to see how much he hurt me and our family. (I don't think he gets it quite yet and may never see the true destruction that he caused.) He said that he sees that he's very bad at noticing how others close to him see certain situations and that his perceptions during the last year or so of the marriage may have been way off. He made no mention whatsoever of ending the A and continuing to try to talk, but that doesn't matter right now. 

Through that conversation, I was able to show myself how much I've already grown. I was able to act in a calm, rational way without name calling, nastiness or even raising my voice. Regardless of what happens in the future, I will come out of this a stronger, better person. I will be able to deal with bad situations that come my way and even though I cry a lot and get upset in the darkness of night when no one else in the world is awake, I will somehow survive this. Today I showed myself some of the best parts of me and that was good because I haven't seen the real me in a long, long time.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Blownaway I must say that I am jelous you had that conversation. I have been wanting to have that conversation with my now Ex H for a long time. Never got any of that. This will certainly help you get some sense of closure in case you do end up divorced. It is absolutely the most horrible feeling when you don't get any closure and you are treated with the utmost disrespect. I hope you never get to where I am though.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Thanks. He is deep into his fog so I don't know what will happen. He didn't really balk at the statement about me wanting to date and move on as well, so I think he's been checked out for a long, long time. He still refuses to really talk or get into it, but this may have been a very small start. I don't really know him anymore, and that is sad since I've been with him for 15 years. Maybe as time goes on and as this new life really starts to sink in - weekly expensive child support; kids sleeping in his small apartment rather than him just dropping them off after a visit so he could go party; etc, may get him to start thinking about what he's really going to lose. I'm still not going to be available for him in terms of being his buddy. That only eases his guilt and makes this that much easier on him. But, for whatever reason, the conversation happened and I guess that was at least some little tiny bit of closure.


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## mariem1967 (Dec 1, 2010)

It was great you had chance to speak to him and told him everything you had. I think that soon he will start realizing what he ruined. We most of the time don't apreciate things until we lose them.


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## MataHari (Nov 4, 2010)

Blownaway, looks like all your efforts are slowly paying off....I agree nothing has changed, as you mention how much you still hurt and cry. I understand, I do the same too, each time I tell myself the tears are over, but somehow there are still more coming. My H has not even moved out yet but is working on it. As you are convinced that your H is not about to do the U-Turn, I am too about my H. We just have to wait until the reality kicks in. Having to deal with kids instead of partying with OW etc...I am still trying hard to tell myself that I have to look ahead and plan only for me and my kids. I guess there are still too many uncertainties, things are too new yet and we have to be able to draw a practical plan around this unfortunate situation with all 4 of us in it....then I'll be able to see clearer....at some point the talk should happen....right now it's just impossible.....the fog is still very thick!


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