# Was MC a BIG set back? My 180 did a 180:-(



## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Yesterday was our 8th session with the MC. Last week I learned yet ANOTHER secret that my H has been keeping from, ie. that he is more that a casual drug user. I have brought up his heavy drinking in therapy, and he denies that it is an issue. Now I know that he does coke as well. For me, drugs have always been a deal breaker, and I was SHOCKED to hear him admit to doing coke "maybe a couple times a month." Figuring that he's going to play it down, I figure he has been doing it weekly! I was SICK! I was CRYING and SHAKING, and acting like the pathetic and weak individual I have worked hard to overcome using the 180!, How could I NOT be judgmental and critical??? All to say "I have backslided from my hard-earned changes." He knows that drugs are a deal breaker for me, which is why he's been so good at hiding it. Now, we are ALREADY separated, so I can't kick him out. Tonight is his night with the kids, and I have NO CONCERN that he would ever bring drugs around our children, but I don't know how to proceed. I REALLY want our marriage to work, but the longer we are apart, the more I learn, and I am beginning to ask myself "WHAT am I doing with this selfish, lying adolescent of a grown man?" Answer, of course, "I love the idiot." Help.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

My mc story is in my profile. 

At least you are closer to the truth, but it will take time to digest this. 

You husband HAS to act like a whole adult for a marriage to work. If he is lying and acting childish, its almost impossible no matter how hard you try. 

I really hope it works out and I 100% advocate for you to stick it out through all the hurt and pain. If you are religiously inclined (other people suggest this if you aren't), pick up "love must be tough".

When an adult in a marriage has a mental breakdown, drug use, or somehow doesn't act like an adult, all you can do sometimes is wait for them to figure it out. You unfortunately can't fix him and there is no silver bullet. 

I applaud you for wanting to make this work through your husband's poor actions. 

The best advise I can give is to wait for him to grow up and read love must be tough.

Best of luck!


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

anx said:


> My mc story is in my profile.
> 
> At least you are closer to the truth, but it will take time to digest this.
> 
> ...


Hi Anx,
I meant to say, I really appreciate your support. My H and I have agreed on a Controlled Separation of 6 months, weekly MC, and no contacting attorneys during that time, but that was BEFORE I learned of the drug use. I guess that the point of the agreement, so as we peel back the layers in counseling, we don't just bolt. Very difficult for me, though! I just ordered a set of home drug test kits on-line. I am contemplating making him take one each week in order to stick to the custody agreement. I imagine he will see this as one more way I am attempting to "control" and "mother" him. I KNOW I can't change him, but I must provide a safe home for my children, and this REALLY crosses the line in my book.
We were supposed to have "Family Dinner" tonight with the kids, and I called it off because I can't even look at him. Friday we are supposed to go out on our first "date" since the separation, a charity function we've been planning for some time. I'm thinking of telling him I'd rather go alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

If you meant to add more to your post, it didn't work.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

anx said:


> If you meant to add more to your post, it didn't work.


See below. I messed up the post


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I would ask about the weekly drug tests in MC. Not force it on him, but give him a choice. 

Did you thing he was a casual drug user and found out instead that he was using coke?

Just keep going for now. I hope you guys can work it out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BIP, I know you might feel MC made things worse but actually finding out thsi CRUCIAL information, this huge secret about him usuing more frequently than you thought actually is a blessing, IMO.

Is he willing to get treatment? AA? Narcotics Anonymous.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> BIP, I know you might feel MC made things worse but actually finding out thsi CRUCIAL information, this huge secret about him usuing more frequently than you thought actually is a blessing, IMO.
> 
> Is he willing to get treatment? AA? Narcotics Anonymous.


He doesn't think he has a problem:-(
I've been trying to have him seek treatment for alcohol for months, but he says he'll just quit. He quits for a few days or weeks and starts again. He doesn't think he has a problem because he doesn't feel the NEED to drink when he gets up in the morning, and because he can stop for a few days.

In our separation contract he signed, it specifies that he can't drink if he will be driving the kids, but last Saturday he was drinking Crown on the rocks in the afternoon with a buddy, and took my son to a play.

If I say anything, he says I'm "talking down to him" or accuses me of trying to take his kids away.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

anx said:


> I would ask about the weekly drug tests in MC. Not force it on him, but give him a choice.
> 
> Did you thing he was a casual drug user and found out instead that he was using coke?
> 
> Just keep going for now. I hope you guys can work it out.


In 18 years of marriage, I have seen evidence of coke use in our house twice. The first time, pre-kids, I left for 3 days. The second time, he blamed it on a friend, and I told him that if he EVER allowed drugs into my house again, I'd change the locks. 
I used to do drugs many many years ago, but stopped in my early 20's. Gross!!! I'm not TOTALLY naive; i figured if he was on a guys trip, far away from me, and a friend offered him a line, he might do it. BUT to know that he's buying it, using it while he is in our home disgusts me.


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## Gammyleg (Jan 12, 2011)

Hi BIP

I am sorry to hear of your situation re: the drugs but I feel I have to make a point about your approach to it. this is based on very personal experience.
I was a daily drug user for over 10years and it ultimately brought about the destruction of my marriage. My wife hated me doing it and made every effort to make me stop. She begged, pleaded & tried to educate me but I believed all along that I was in control of it and not, as I have learned, it controlling me.

What I'm trying to say is that your H has to make, or at least believe that he has made, the decision to stop himself. This will give him satisfaction and a feeling of acheivement and self-worth rather than a feeling that 'someone else made me do it and now I'm miserable because of it'
The key is that HE has to make the choice to stop. Finding a way to acheive that is something that you must discover yourself.

I have been clean for 9 months now and have never once regretted my decision, because it was a decision that *I* made. I made it in response to my marriage problems but ultimately it proved too little too late. I would never go back to using again and have never once been tempted even through what has been the most traumatic time of my life.

Gammy


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

Gammyleg said:


> I have been clean for 9 months now and have never once regretted my decision, because it was a decision that *I* made. I made it in response to my marriage problems but ultimately it proved too little too late. I would never go back to using again and have never once been tempted even through what has been the most traumatic time of my life.
> 
> Gammy


Hi Gammy,
Congratulations on making the decision to get clean!!! That's huge. I have had friends who have lost their lives to their addictions. Marriage or not, you are still here!!!
I know your advice is 100% right. My H is behaving like a rebellious teen at the moment, and I know I can not control or change him (trust me, I've tried). I know the ol' saying: you've got to let them hit rock bottom. 
But I can control my children's environment. I have two boys, 10 and 12 1/2, and I want them brought up in a drug-free household. My H has one over-night a week, and one weekend a month, but is here daily for various reasons. How do I control the environment without trying to control him????


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Again, PLEASE read "love must be tough".

You make it clear he made choices and thats why this is happening. Say that you messed up too and are partly to blame for all of this mess. A lot of marriage comes down to priorities and choices. Make it clear he has to choice correctly to fix have a chance at fixing this. Make it clear when his priorities are messed up. Don't nag or tell him he has to change, just matter of fact tell him his priorities are/were messed up and wrong.

You make a clear boundary and keep it. Be clear when he is disrespectful and that isn't ok. At the same time be loving when he isn't crossing a boundary. You need to demand (lovingly and respectfully) that he respect you.

Think of it like the golden rule. Treat him like you would want to be treated. If he crosses a line, tell him so in a way that you would want to be told. Firm, strong, loving, and forgiving if he repents/says sorry.

Something like "I like when you spend time with the kids, but absolutely cannot under any circumstance be even slightly buzzed on anything when you are here. If you are, I'm going to send you away and you can come back the next day even if its off the scheduled if you are sober again. "

Its loving, firm, forgiving when he does mess up. Its better you turn him away and let him back the next day (even though he doesn't deserve it) than just keep him away. 

Showing love like this is really hard. Being the bigger person when you are hurt is hard. He will look back and agree with what you did even if he doesn't know. Even if turned away, he knows (at least deep down) that its the right thing, and will have a hard time being angry about it or it won't stick.

Best of luck


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

anx said:


> Again, PLEASE read "love must be tough".
> 
> 
> Best of luck


Thank you, Anx.
I was able to download a copy on the internet for free! Was hoping to read it today before our big "date" tonight (we agreed when we separated that we would be a united front at a school fundraiser).
With out reading the book yet, I'm guessing I shouldn't invite him to sleep over;-)


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You can decide on the sleepover either way. The first few chapters cover most of the idea of the book.

Closeness and forgiveness isn't a bad thing.


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