# Article: The Good Advice Chumps Won’t Take… Now



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

The Good Advice Chumps Won’t Take… Now

August 24, 2015 by Chump Lady

Since the ****** ******* hack broke, a lot of folks have emailed me to ask — hey, did you get a huge swell of numbers on your site? Are you awash with new chumps over there? Well, the numbers did go up by a couple thousand views per day, but it wasn’t outside the normal spikes the site sometimes gets. As far as I know, I’m not signing up legions of new chumps. There’s steady growth (the blog is closing in on 7 million page views), but it’s not like readership doubled thanks to ****** *******.

I would like nothing better than for the newly chumped to “leave a cheater, gain a life” — but that’s rarely the case in the beginning. If anyone is experiencing a surge in membership, IMO, it’s the Reconciliation Industrial Complex. And that makes perfect sense if you’ve ever been betrayed.

(read the rest here)


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Love Chump Lady. I completely agree with her.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Love Chump Lady. I completely agree with her.


I love the term "Reconciliation Industrial Complex"


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

LOL. She's trying to get people to cut to the chase, but it's a sad reality that people seem to have to go through the process. And the RIC takes sore advantage of that process, doesn't it?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> LOL. She's trying to get people to cut to the chase, but it's a sad reality that people seem to have to go through the process. And the RIC takes sore advantage of that process, doesn't it?


I think many BSs are fearful after the initial shock wears off and they make decisions out of fear and not strength. People take advantage of the fearful don't they?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Fear is a tremendous motivator, that's for sure. People make tons of money off of it.

I think I'm as fearful as the next person, but my fear re infidelity is that I wouldn't know soon enough so that I could walk out the door. I very viscerally don't want to be anyone's chump.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Fear is a tremendous motivator, that's for sure. People make tons of money off of it.
> 
> I think I'm as fearful as the next person, but my fear re infidelity is that I wouldn't know soon enough so that I could walk out the door. I very viscerally don't want to be anyone's chump.


Between my own life and reading too many message boards when I want to date a woman all I can sometimes see is her cheating. How [email protected]#$%^ up is that? I don't know her, her history, or anything but that is one of my first thoughts - will she cheat.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Between my own life and reading too many message boards when I want to date a woman all I can sometimes see is her cheating. How [email protected]#$%^ up is that? I don't know her, her history, or anything but that is one of my first thoughts - will she cheat.


Before I married, I did this naturally, but not as a first question to myself. As soon as something looked like it might be getting more than casual, I would definitely vet it for likelihood of cheating. I dated two serial cheaters when I was young. Each one proposed marriage and I was flabbergasted - I realized that I had crossed them off my mental list of serious options long before they proposed.

I don't think it's bad to be cognizant of this, but you may be jumping the gun a bit .


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Before I married, I did this naturally, but not as a first question to myself. As soon as something looked like it might be getting more than casual, I would definitely vet it for likelihood of cheating. I dated two serial cheaters when I was young. Each one proposed marriage and I was flabbergasted - I realized that I had crossed them off my mental list of serious options long before they proposed.
> 
> I don't think it's bad to be cognizant of this, *but you may be jumping the gun a bit *.


I've been told by people who know me I'm not exactly an optimist...:surprise:


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

not sure how much AM list is actually a true list of cheaters. looks like it was mostly a ton of wannabe's in what turned out to be a big sausage fest.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I LOVE her comment about "hopium".

We need to implement that word into our TAM vocabulary.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

commonsenseisn't said:


> I LOVE her comment about "hopium".
> 
> We need to implement that word into our TAM vocabulary.


 @commonsenseisn't She does have a way with words doesn't she? :grin2:


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I've been told by people who know me I'm not exactly an optimist...:surprise:


Try something called "Mindfulness Training".


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

CTPlay said:


> Try something called "Mindfulness Training".


What is that exactly?


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## CTPlay (Apr 26, 2015)

It's where you start to change your relationship with your thoughts. You don't deny them, you don't justify them, you just become present with them. Sort of like watching a movie without getting involved. 

For example. You see 2 young people in love and slammo... a thought pops in your head. "Oh, just a matter before she cheats".

You acknowledge the thought but you neither justify or deny it. You just let it pass on by.

Takes practice! Try looking it up.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

CTPlay said:


> It's where you start to change your relationship with your thoughts. You don't deny them, you don't justify them, you just become present with them. Sort of like watching a movie without getting involved.
> 
> For example. You see 2 young people in love and slammo... a thought pops in your head. "Oh, just a matter before she cheats".
> 
> ...


Thanks! will do....


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

The thing about fear is that it only works as a motivator for so long. It doesn't have the lasting power. Good article.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Dycedarg said:


> The thing about fear is that it only works as a motivator for so long. It doesn't have the lasting power. Good article.


 @Dycedarg Agreed..I wonder how many BSs have a delayed deal breaker reaction - and a few years down the line realize WTF am I married to? And then leave or fall into their own affair - shocking the cheating spouse. 

BTW if you haven't checked out Chumplady's other stuff you should she is fantastic and she has more guts than most people. She is a good balance to the "reconciliation industrial complex"


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

weightlifter said:


> not sure how much AM list is actually a true list of cheaters. looks like it was mostly a ton of wannabe's in what turned out to be a big sausage fest.


I wonder if there's a connection here when some wives ask for an open marriage...

Nah. Couldn't be.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> not sure how much AM list is actually a true list of cheaters. looks like it was mostly a ton of wannabe's in what turned out to be a big sausage fest.


Those men have disgraced themselves and decimated their families for a ripoff website..fools all of them...can't say I feel sorry for any of them...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Those men have disgraced themselves and decimated their families for a ripoff website..fools all of them...can't say I feel sorry for any of them...


What about some chump caught in a sexless marriage who got drunk one night, signed up, felt remorse for it and never went back?

Should his marriage be decimated as a result?

This is in fact an interesting slippery slope.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> What about some chump caught in a sexless marriage who got drunk one night, signed up, felt remorse for it and never went back?
> 
> Should his marriage be decimated as a result?
> 
> This is in fact an interesting slippery slope.


That is a pretty extreme example - drunk + sexless marriage + only went there once - i'd say he is one of the unluckiest SOBS on the planet...I don't think that is a majority of the cases..


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Truthseeker1 said:


> That is a pretty extreme example - drunk + sexless marriage + only went there once - i'd say he is one of the unluckiest SOBS on the planet...I don't think that is a majority of the cases..


I dunno.

It looks like the majority of accounts weren't active, nor did they actually result in hooking people up.

It looks like the whole thing was a giant boondoggle.

Now, it would _probably_ indicate an intent or openness for cheating, sure. But I've had moments, as have everyone else, where I've been _more_ open to cheating than others. I'd never take this step... but I do think it's an interesting moral conundrum.

As it would be fascinating if one were to discover 'open' marriages in the data dump where it was honestly an open marriage... but now everyone on earth knows it.

I don't think this is a black or white issue, is what I'm saying. And I say it as one that has downloaded the entire dump and searched it myself, so my hands aren't exactly clean on the issue.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Who knows what may come of this media dump. I think it is good and interesting. As for the characterizations of spouses who do something horribly wrong, how you manage that with several young children, and what you do next, I don't agree. The stakes are too high. The consequences too severe. If you have had enough, you have had enough. And that is fair. If you have it within you to not place first your feeling of insult, I think that is good.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Harken Banks said:


> Who knows what may come of this media dump. I think it is good and interesting. As for the characterizations of spouses who do something horribly wrong, how you manage that with several young children, and what you do next, I don't agree. The stakes are too high. The consequences too severe. If you have had enough, you have had enough. And that is fair. If you have it within you to not place first your feeling of insult, I think that is good.


If nothing else the media dump might make cheaters think twice before joining hook up websites...


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Truthseeker1 said:


> If nothing else the media dump might make cheaters think twice before joining hook up websites...


Might. And I think all of this is fair. In my first discussion with my divorce lawyer I mentioned travel etc and he said if she stayed at home it would just be the tennis pro. AM caters to a perceived clientele. What people do is up to them. I don't believe very much in shaming to shape character. I am fine with people revealed for who they may be.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Harken Banks said:


> Might. And I think all of this is fair. In my first discussion with my divorce lawyer *I mentioned travel etc and he said if she stayed at home it would just be the tennis pro.* AM caters to a perceived clientele. What people do is up to them. I don't believe very much in shaming to shape character. I am fine with people revealed for who they may be.


Agreed if someone is going to cheat they are going to cheat....


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> @Dycedarg Agreed..I wonder how many BSs have a delayed deal breaker reaction - and a few years down the line realize WTF am I married to? And then leave or fall into their own affair - shocking the cheating spouse.
> 
> BTW if you haven't checked out Chumplady's other stuff you should she is fantastic and she has more guts than most people. She is a good balance to the "reconciliation industrial complex"


I want to say that men take longer to sort their feelings out and consequently are more likely to experience the phenomenon of which you speak, but I've often seen it on both sides. 

The human mind is, for lack of a better term, mind-boggling. There are so many things we can do to protect and deceive ourselves on an emotional level. People can bend themselves around facts, demonize others and flat out forget prominent ordeals in their lives, all in the name of preserving their idea of who they are and how things should work. I think I've mentioned this elsewhere but we're experiencing this collective plateau in which we've evolved such complicated minds that the mind itself is starting to get in the way of our own path. It's simultaneously fascinating and discouraging.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Dycedarg said:


> *I want to say that men take longer to sort their feelings out and consequently are more likely to experience the phenomenon of which you speak, but I've often seen it on both sides. *
> 
> The human mind is, for lack of a better term, mind-boggling. There are so many things we can do to protect and deceive ourselves on an emotional level. People can bend themselves around facts, demonize others and flat out forget prominent ordeals in their lives, all in the name of preserving their idea of who they are and how things should work. I think I've mentioned this elsewhere but we're experiencing this collective plateau in which we've evolved such complicated minds that the mind itself is starting to get in the way of our own path. It's simultaneously fascinating and discouraging.


I agree..from my own experience..and once they are sorted out then they can decide on a clear course of action..sometimes it takes awhile...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Truthseeker1 said:


> If nothing else the media dump might make cheaters think twice before joining hook up websites...


I think all it will do is trigger the creation of a bunch of fake gmail and yahoo email addresses just for this use.

Why people wouldn't do that to begin with is beyond me.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

marduk said:


> I think all it will do is trigger the creation of a bunch of fake gmail and yahoo email addresses just for this use.
> 
> Why people wouldn't do that to begin with is beyond me.


Yeah that struck me too..dumb sh!t cheaters do....why use an email your spouse knows about..hello...


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Yeah that struck me too..dumb sh!t cheaters do....why use an email your spouse knows about..hello...


exactly what I was thinking....


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

naiveonedave said:


> exactly what I was thinking....


You would think they would take this deep underground...use a fake name , fake email...I mean this is not like a regular dating site...oh well...lol


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

A fake name works well until you have to give a credit card. That puts a rather abrupt end to the charade.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> A fake name works well until you have to give a credit card. That puts a rather abrupt end to the charade.


Good point...


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

buy a gift visa card with cash?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> LOL. She's trying to get people to cut to the chase, but it's a sad reality that people seem to have to go through the process. And the RIC takes sore advantage of that process, doesn't it?


I don't recall who it was but someone once described humans as _'rationalizing'_ rather than _'rational'_ animals. I think there is a lot of truth to this and that it partially explains the _"process"_ to which you refer.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

carmen ohio said:


> I don't recall who it was but someone once described humans as _'rationalizing'_ rather than _'rational'_ animals. I think there is a lot of truth to this and that it partially explains the _"process"_ to which you refer.


I think there is a lot of truth to that statement as well. Also once they rationalize their situation humans tend to get defensive and edgy towards anyone who points out the flaws in their view. In those cases when the truth does finally smack them in the head it hurts like hell.


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