# Emotional Affair one sided??



## Kolie123 (Oct 8, 2015)

My husband of 11 years rekindled a friendship with a female friend from high school this past year and a half. And I was ok with them being friends at first but things became uncomfortable for me when I noticed them calling and texting each other fairly regularly. I have a really great sense of reading body language and although they were just friends their body language told me different or maybe I have a the ability to read into things before they even happen but lets just say my gut is right about 90% of the time. After I told him that I wasn't comfortable with them contacting each other so much he started deleting the proof and since his company gives him a phone theres no way I can check the phone bill. We live in an oilfield area and the boom died down this past winter and he got laid off and we switched his phone onto a family plan with mine. I forgot about everything and thought maybe he stopped contacting her so much, he also told me he would need to contact her to get somethings lined up for a high school rodeo and he wanted to help her find what she needed. I didn't think anything of it, well I thought at the most they would text or call each other a couple times and that would be it. 3 months Later, for some reason I went through the bill and noticed they were texting each other everyday, ever other day calling, their phone calls were 20 minutes to an hour long. I confronted him and he said that he was just helping her with that thing and I said well I didn't think you needed to text all day every other day for months about it and then he promised he would not contact her anymore(2nd time). That all came to light in april. Well we have bucking horses and my husband helps kids in high school learn how to ride and this is how it all began because she has a son that he was helping. I couldn't be there very often because I have my own business and took advantage of my husband taking our 3 kids so I could try and catch up on my work or I had sessions the same time. Well he would text her to let her know they were bucking horses overtime and I asked him why can't he message her son he is 16 yrs old, he said he would start doing that. Well july comes around and for some reason I had a gut feeling so I got in his iPhone and had all of his texts sent to my MAC computer also and guess who he texted on his drive out to work?! Yep, her! We kind of rugswept everything on his end. I was still bothered by all of it, I felt betrayed. I felt like there was more than just a friendship going on and my mind ran wild because whenever I asked him anything he was very vague and the whole she's just a friend, she's a good listener and I can vent to her. So naturally she was a trigger for me and we buck our horses throughout the summer, which means I see her on an every weekend basis. I see her next to my husband twirling her hair and them joking and laughing with each other. I sat over at the other end feeling betrayed and hurt. Anyways to make a long story short we had a blow out a couple weeks ago after I saw her and my husband left for work on monday ( he works out of town all week every week)and didn't talk to me until thursday. I was searching for any answers online and I saw a few recommendations for the book Not "just friends" and I bought the book on tape. I listened to it and it finally explained all of my feelings and emotions and thoughts and WHY was having them! I made him listen to it. I got a text the next day " I want you to know I'm very sorry. I have been listening to the book. I just really don't want to discuss anything over the phone. I do love you and I am very sorry for what I've done and most of all for how I disrespected you and your feelings. We will talk about it one on one when I get home friday. Please right down every question you want to know, I will give you everything you need. I love you" We did all that this weekend and we both have felt a weight come off of us and we are excited again about the fresh start. There was no physical intimacy but he admitted to flirting and that she did stroke his ego and he did like it. I told him I needed him to call her while i was there and on speaker and let her know that things were crossing the line and that they cannot contact each other anymore. She didn't know I was listening but she seemed very surprised and didn't think him and her were on the same page as she said "I just took it as playful banter between to friends. I thought you were just venting to me and I know sometimes its easier to vent to some one on the outside than someone sitting right beside you everyday. My husband was in the room 90% of the time we talked . I don't know whats wrong with your wife but she doesn't like me one bit. She is so cold to me. My H: well that's my fault because I hid things and lied to her about them when I shouldn't have. OW well I don't get it, there was nothing ever going to come of it, if thats what was in your head. I vent to other people besides my husband all the time, I call my mother and vent to her. I guess I just don't see the big deal and it seems like your making something out of nothing. H: well it wasn't the right thing to do I should have just called my buddies and vented to them. OW: so does this mean we aren't invited to come buck horses or what? H: no your sons can come anytime. 
She said more but I can't quite remember but she was really making it out to be that the problem was mine and almost throwing a fit that he couldn't be friends with her even after he admitted that he betrayed my trust, it's like she didn't even hear it. That all happened Tuesday, even though I was disappointed with the NC call I felt like we were one step further to putting this behind us and I feel like we are in a GREAT space. I feel like a giddy school girl again like when we first started dating and so does my husband. Fast forward to today I got a fb message from her asking me to call her. I don't know if she is going to call and attack me or run me down, or run my husband down or apologize??? But I want to have my guns loaded with responses to all 3 scenarios. Can anyone help me???


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Kolie123 said:


> My husband of 11 years rekindled a friendship with a female friend from high school this past year and a half. And I was ok with them being friends at first but things became uncomfortable for me when I noticed them calling and texting each other fairly regularly. I have a really great sense of reading body language and although they were just friends their body language told me different or maybe I have a the ability to read into things before they even happen but lets just say my gut is right about 90% of the time. After I told him that I wasn't comfortable with them contacting each other so much he started deleting the proof and since his company gives him a phone theres no way I can check the phone bill. We live in an oilfield area and the boom died down this past winter and he got laid off and we switched his phone onto a family plan with mine.
> 
> I forgot about everything and thought maybe he stopped contacting her so much, he also told me he would need to contact her to get somethings lined up for a high school rodeo and he wanted to help her find what she needed. I didn't think anything of it, well I thought at the most they would text or call each other a couple times and that would be it. 3 months Later, for some reason I went through the bill and noticed they were texting each other everyday, ever other day calling, their phone calls were 20 minutes to an hour long. I confronted him and he said that he was just helping her with that thing and I said well I didn't think you needed to text all day every other day for months about it and then he promised he would not contact her anymore(2nd time).
> 
> ...


Yes, we've seen one sided EAs before. Many spouses do not want to admit their significant other took the lead. Since you made him call right away, I don't believe he informed her so, it doesn't sound like an act to me. She may be calling to clear the air and apologize. I'd take the call and I'd also calm down a bit. If she told the truth, your husband can take a clue. She was having those conversations in front of her husband. So, that's exactly what he needs to do.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Pragmatically. ....it doesn't matter if it was sided. She creates a problem for the marrage and needs to be an ex friend. Husband hopefully with time will get over his ea, but not with her around.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I'd just call her & go from there. If she's mean or upsetting in anyway you can just say, "I don't want to discuss this further" & hang-up the phone.

So much of affairs, particularly EA's are pure fantasy. It's entirely possible that your H was deeper into the fantasy than her. Be aware that some people consider anything short of sex to be innocent & just 'flirting' or 'messing around'. As far as I'm concerned ANYTHING that makes you that uncomfortable needs to be dealt with. You did the right thing having your H phone her. 

I'd be asking for no contact. Your H crossed the line. He lied. He focused his attention on her NOT you. I don't talk to my Mum or best friend that much!! In a close marriage I believe you should be 'just venting' to eachother. It's your marriage, just the 2 of you. Her perception is irrelevant. BOTH you & your HUSBAND know that what's been going on was WRONG, that's enough. Some M are open, some swingers, even if her H was listening a lot of the time it doesn't matter. It wasn't appropriate in YOUR MARRIAGE. 

What if her response to your H was tainted because her H was listening at the time?

When my H was having an A he withdrew from me, then he became increasingly cruel. In the end it was abuse. He was obsessed with her. He punished me for being in the way of 'true love'. It broke me. It nearly destroyed our marriage. It caused untold damage. Both my H & I call it an AFFAIR. They held hands, kissed, shared intimacies etc. To this day she describes it as "A moment of intrigue" & describes my H as the "Most moral & principled man she has ever met"!!!! Her perception, her lack of principles, everything she thinks & feels don't change a thing!!!

You already know that she is a danger to your marriage. If your marriage is important to you ban her from your lives.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Did you get to read their texts? Did the conversations appear 'guilty', flirty, disclosing negatives about you?


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## Kolie123 (Oct 8, 2015)

Thanks for helpful advice! Sorry if I came off a little energetic but I really am calm lol I just use a lot of exclamations. Onemore you are right and that is how I see it as well. If my husband was uncomfortable with a friend of mine you better believe I would do what he wished because his feelings are more important than any friendship. She flirts with my husbands friends also, just very handsy with them. I know she calls my husband handsome when he answers her calls and just little things like that. Last year at our little town carnival, I was taking my son on one ride while my husband was taking my daughter on another so I wasn't close by maybe 50 feet away and I looked over to ask him something but he was bent over picking something up and there she popped up and grabbed his ass to give him a scare or something so I guess that's what she considers playful banter. I didn't get to read any texts but I know he sent her some funny photos from the Internet that had ****s in them. My husband did tell me how she was telling him in high school how she had the biggest crush on him and how he wouldn't giver her the time of day and he said they fed into each other about it for a minute. Just things like that I don't know. One thing I do know is she will not be in our lives that's for sure. The only thing negative and i don't know if you would call it negative is that he told her sometimes he can't vent to me about something's that went on with people he worked with and it was easier with her because she knew those people since high school


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## Kolie123 (Oct 8, 2015)

And I really do wonder if her husband was right there and if she was minimizing things because it sure felt that way! My husband is very attractive and is always getting hit on so I just don't really buy her side and the fact that he was ashamed for the things they said to each other tells me something also. H is so oblivious most of the time of women hitting on him so I don't know. Her body language gives a different story when she's around my husband and all of his friends...


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## Kolie123 (Oct 8, 2015)

He actually didn't call her for 2 days because he works in the city during the week but he came home on tuesday and I told him that tonight is the night. So essentially he did have time to call and warn and I did ask him that afterwards because she hit all the points that he told me as if he gave her a run down. He promised he didn't but I told him I wanted phone records and her kids phone numbers and even her husbands number incase he called her on one of those!


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## Kolie123 (Oct 8, 2015)

That did come to mind, if her husband was right there with her so she minimized everything, that's what it felt like to me for sure!


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## Kolie123 (Oct 8, 2015)

I 100% agree! And WE do have couples that are friends and we can all get together and have playful banter and it doesn't bug me one bit but I guess when the OW hasn't ever really tried to befriend me or include me I feel like she has ulterior motives!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Either way she's shown that she has no issue intruding in his marriage and probably likes the attention. The proper thing would've been to remove herself from the friendship as soon as she was told it was causing problems but instead she tried to push it.

This happened to me. ....i had a male friend that I'd known for many years. Nothing romantic, just intellectual banter. He got married and I reached out to his wife out of respect for their marriage. She seemed to like me. 

So one day he passed through my city and and stopped by my job for lunch. An hour of catching up and sharing family stories. During this conversation his wife called and he lied about where he was. I never said a word but removed myself from the friendship. ....i have no idea if I was the issue but I didn't want to get involved in a situation where he had to lie to his wife. We're still on FB but nothing private and his wife is his friend and can see everything. We don't talk much anyway, the last time I spoke to him was a fb post to welcome him home from Afghanistan. 

This woman doesn't respect your marriage and needs to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

I'm not convinced it was one sided. Her husband could have been listening or she could have downplayed everything so it couldn't get back to her husband that she and your husband were involved in an EA. I think she may want to call you to minimize it some more in hopes that you will doubt everything and allow her to be "friends" with your husband. Don't let her convince you that you are wrong and they are just friends. And your husband is never oblivious to women hitting on him. It strokes his ego and he enjoys it. He is aware when a woman is flirting with him, don't let him convince you that he is clueless.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

First I'm jaded, I think the worst, and I'm very negative. So you want to just disregard what I say or you can say maybe it's close to the truth. And just for the record I have read the book his needs her needs. 

If you caught your husband by phone records he would be so foolish to allow that again. Therefore, I think he contacted her but you won't know what phone. Phone records are basically useless. Think work phone, pay phone, burner phone, friends phone... If her husband was there he would be making contact with you after your husband admitted to hiding this from you. What would you do if the roles were reversed? Why Facebook message you? You hate her according to OW. Did she ever once try to be friends with you or only with your husband? She wants to contact you to see if you believed there so called story. 

The call almost seemed scripted, don't you think? OW was in such a rush to say her lines she didn't even react to what your husband said. It should shock and anger her that trust was involved. OW should have taken that comment as an insult, that you are calling her a wh0re, but she never heard it. If someone said you were making a play for their husband, what would you react with? ANGER. Not OW, she just keeps reading her script. 

Sadly I believe you are in the same place as before, but your husband has learned to pay attention to you also. Hmmm, two women all giddy and excited to see you, see a problem here? As I said I'm jaded, negative, and think the worst much of the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kolie123 (Oct 8, 2015)

Lifeistooshort you are spot on and that's exactly what I told my H! I said if she was a true friend she would have been like oh my gosh I'm sorry go take care of your wife she's more important. Instead of making me into some crazy jealous wife that made my husband stop being friends with her.


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## Kolie123 (Oct 8, 2015)

Drifting on Yes it did feel scripted and the fact that she wasn't mad at him when he was telling her to and that she held contention in regards to me made me doubt everything! My husband swore up and down but I told him I can't believe him even though I want to, I just can't!


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## Kolie123 (Oct 8, 2015)

Kolie123 said:


> Thanks for helpful advice! Sorry if I came off a little energetic but I really am calm lol I just use a lot of exclamations. Onemore you are right and that is how I see it as well. If my husband was uncomfortable with a friend of mine you better believe I would do what he wished because his feelings are more important than any friendship. She flirts with my husbands friends also, just very handsy with them. I know she calls my husband handsome when he answers her calls and just little things like that. Last year at our little town carnival, I was taking my son on one ride while my husband was taking my daughter on another so I wasn't close by maybe 50 feet away and I looked over to ask him something but he was bent over picking something up and there she popped up and grabbed his ass to give him a scare or something so I guess that's what she considers playful banter. I didn't get to read any texts but I know he sent her some funny photos from the Internet that had ****s in them. My husband did tell me how she was telling him in high school how she had the biggest crush on him and how he wouldn't giver her the time of day and he said they fed into each other about it for a minute. Just things like that I don't know. One thing I do know is she will not be in our lives that's for sure. The only thing negative and i don't know if you would call it negative is that he told her sometimes he can't vent to me about something's that went on with people he worked with and it was easier with her because she knew those people since high school





Cecezakat said:


> I'm not convinced it was one sided. Her husband could have been listening or she could have downplayed everything so it couldn't get back to her husband that she and your husband were involved in an EA. I think she may want to call you to minimize it some more in hopes that you will doubt everything and allow her to be "friends" with your husband. Don't let her convince you that you are wrong and they are just friends. And your husband is never oblivious to women hitting on him. It strokes his ego and he enjoys it. He is aware when a woman is flirting with him, don't let him convince you that he is clueless.


 I'm not convinced either! Why in the world would my husband shamefully admit that she played into it as well. He didn't want to tell me that she was flirting back. Oh they will not be friends again ever unless he wants a divorce!


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## Kolie123 (Oct 8, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Either way she's shown that she has no issue intruding in his marriage and probably likes the attention. The proper thing would've been to remove herself from the friendship as soon as she was told it was causing problems but instead she tried to push it.
> 
> This happened to me. ....i had a male friend that I'd known for many years. Nothing romantic, just intellectual banter. He got married and I reached out to his wife out of respect for their marriage. She seemed to like me.
> 
> ...


Lifeistooshort you are spot on and that's exactly what I told my H! I said if she was a true friend she would have been like oh my gosh I'm sorry go take care of your wife she's more important. Instead of making me into some crazy jealous wife that made my husband stop being friends with her.


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## Kolie123 (Oct 8, 2015)

drifting on said:


> First I'm jaded, I think the worst, and I'm very negative. So you want to just disregard what I say or you can say maybe it's close to the truth. And just for the record I have read the book his needs her needs.
> 
> If you caught your husband by phone records he would be so foolish to allow that again. Therefore, I think he contacted her but you won't know what phone. Phone records are basically useless. Think work phone, pay phone, burner phone, friends phone... If her husband was there he would be making contact with you after your husband admitted to hiding this from you. What would you do if the roles were reversed? Why Facebook message you? You hate her according to OW. Did she ever once try to be friends with you or only with your husband? She wants to contact you to see if you believed there so called story.
> 
> ...


Drifting on Yes it did feel scripted and the fact that she wasn't mad at him when he was telling her to and that she held contention in regards to me made me doubt everything! My husband swore up and down but I told him I can't believe him even though I want to, I just can't! I told my husband awhile back that it feels like she wants my life. She is in the same artistic profession as me and these past couple of years I have become very well known and successful for what I do , um her not so much. So I felt like if she couldn't take that she was going to try and take something haha who knows! She hasn't made much of an effort to befriend me other than complimenting my work but never going out of her way to talk to me or get to know me


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Kolie, if she is not a friend of the marriage she has to go. She is trying to break up your marriage. By kind of hinting to your husband that this is a "your" problem, she is trying to create a wedge. So now your husband can say, "it's all in your head". Suddenly, you are the problem. Not them with their constant texting and talking. 

Do you see how she is trying to reverse it to you? This b!tch is not your husband's friend, she is trying to steal your man. She does not care about you and your marriage. All she cares about is your man.

Let your husband know, he is to have no contact with her. When, you are at an event and you see them together, don't sit by yourself. Go up to them and put your hand around your man and stay by his side. Go to every event don't stay home. Don't give them the opportunity to spend time together. 

I trust my husband but with limits. You always have to put up guards . Overtime, my husband has understand that if anyone comes between us, that person has to go. Our marriage is more important than any friends. I am more important to him than anyone. As he is to me. 

Don't buy the crap she is trying to sell.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Kolie123 said:


> Drifting on Yes it did feel scripted and the fact that she wasn't mad at him when he was telling her to and that she held contention in regards to me made me doubt everything! My husband swore up and down but I told him I can't believe him even though I want to, I just can't! I told my husband awhile back that it feels like she wants my life. She is in the same artistic profession as me and these past couple of years I have become very well known and successful for what I do , um her not so much. So I felt like if she couldn't take that she was going to try and take something haha who knows! She hasn't made much of an effort to befriend me other than complimenting my work but never going out of her way to talk to me or get to know me




Kolie123,

Do you have a contact number for OW's husband? Can you get a message to him via Facebook? I would want to speak with him, explain what is going on and have a second pair of eyes watching. After informing my wife's OMW OM had no time to speak with my wife. It was the best private investigator I never hired. Do not tell your husband you are doing this, you can't trust him anyway as you know. Tell the OW's husband you are going to meet his wife. Tell him when and where so he can catch his wife. You can both confront her after you meet her. Do not tell the OW you will speak on the phone, request a public meeting so OW husband can meet with her after your meeting. You can both question her after your meeting and probably get good information if you are aggressive in your questioning. 

You want to get this OW on her heels, back pedaling with rapid questions and saying bulls--t to every answer she gives. Bluff her and tell her not according to what your husband has said. You want to confuse her and make the conversation with OW husband like an interrogation. Be aggressive and angry, like a shark that has tasted blood. That is what I would do, and did to my wife's OM. I questioned fast and aggressively. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

This is just what I'd do... 

I'd call HR and formally complain about her using corporate equipment to send your husband frequent, personal messages on the company's dime. 

That would squash this quick, and IT would go through their email. Problem is it might also get one or both fired.


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## Kolie123 (Oct 8, 2015)

Satya said:


> This is just what I'd do...
> 
> I'd call HR and formally complain about her using corporate equipment to send your husband frequent, personal messages on the company's dime.
> 
> That would squash this quick, and IT would go through their email. Problem is it might also get one or both fired.


They don't work together. She just knew some people my husband did business with when we had our own business and those people they were venting to each other about screwed us out of some money and the OW used to be close friends with them


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Are you going to meet her, to talk? If you are, do it in public and maybe tape it. So, that way she cant go to your husband and make up some crazy story that, portrays you as a nut job.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

brooklynAnn said:


> Are you going to meet her, to talk? If you are, do it in public and maybe tape it. So, that way she cant go to your husband and make up some crazy story that, portrays you as a nut job.




brooklynAnn


Great idea!!!! Then play it for your husband and ask him to explain!! When you talk to her ask why the flirty messages, why the photos, bluff her hard and I'd bet she spills. Her responses above were scripted, she didn't react to what your husband said. She stayed strictly to the script, she did not ad lib or probably have any emotion. This tells you many things, all are in your favor. From what you have posted about her this is how I view her. Very outgoing around men, more men friends then female, difficulty having conversations with women, low self esteem, needs to put others down to feel superior. Below average in intelligence, difficulty learning and memory, definitely very poor with quick responses, confuses easily, and craves social acceptance from men. Needs to be center stage around men, huge flirt for validation, and very insecure with herself. 

Meet her and when talking begin to jump around with the conversation, she will become confused and spill information. Become agitated with her responses, if she's nice get mean, she is easily intimidated because of her insecurity. Record the conversation and give a copy to her husband. You can get all you need from one meeting. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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