# Step Son



## Samus

My wife and I have been together total 9 years. We have 2 daughters together and I have a son from another marriage. My son is 10 years old and a very good kid.

I know before getting together with my wife there has always been some kind of distance between her and my son. She came into his life when he was 2 years old. When I say distance, I mean the affection between a child and a parent. I understand it is not her son, so I was not very pushy about this. I still hoped and spoke with her numerous times to show him some affection and give him hugs, guidance every once in a wild, but I preferred it came naturally. I see that when she started to date me my son was included in the package. 

Well eventually we had two beautiful daughters and of course my wife was very focused on her own biological children and continued to only discipline my son again, every now and then, but never really showed any compassion or affection. My son stays with his biological Mom during the week and I get him during the weekend, every weekend which is fine. 

I want him to bond with his sisters as much as possible. His sisters love him very much and they are 4 and 5. We go to trips and I always bring my son with me. 

Recently out of the blue, my wife asked me if there can be times where we can just go out with her family, which means me and her daughters. So if we went to a trip or vacation not to bring my son. I was really shocked at this type of though process. I see that my son is part of her family. 

Am I looking at this wrong? Am I wrong to feel hurt that she doesn't want my son included on all of our family vacations? Is this normal and do other women feel this way about there step children?

Naturally I was upset, and explained that he is part of our family and I want him to spend time with us and his sisters. 

I don't know what else to say. Right now she is frustrated and I am confused. My kid is my kids and I love all 3 of them equally and dearly. I don't know what to say at this point. Eventually she said just forget about it. 

Also one of her examples are if we went out of town to visit her family (mom, brothers or sisters) do I need to bring my son. My son has met all her family by now of course and they have no problem with him, but what kind of person makes these type of requests? How can I answer this?


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## mablenc

She's being unreasonable, and quite cruel. Your son is 10 years old how horrible that your wife is doing this. You need to stand by your son.


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## Aunt Ava

What a horrible thing for your wife to say, and I concur with Mablenc that she's being cruel. She knew you were a package deal so I find her behavior disturbing. It's also quite unfair to your son. She had the opportunity to bond with him from the time he was very young yet she chose not to; sadly that should have been a big red flag for you. I would suggest counseling before further damage is done. I think you need to know why she excludes "your son" from "her family".


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## tacoma

Samus said:


> Also one of her examples are if we went out of town to visit her family (mom, brothers or sisters) do I need to bring my son. My son has met all her family by now of course and they have no problem with him, but what kind of person makes these type of requests? How can I answer this?


Have you asked her why?

What is her reasoning?


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## turnera

That is a disturbing thing for her to say. And don't bet he doesn't KNOW she feels that way. Poor kid.


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## Samus

It is not that she doesn't like him or don't want him around. Her reasoning is just that she wants to spend time with me and her biological daughters alone sometimes. That is the only reason she can give and I told her that is not a good enough reason.

I explained to her my son is part of this family, its not 4 of us, its 5. 

My son can be a pain in the butt, but which kid isn't. He is for the majority a very good kid, straights A's, very polite, but can be stubborn. I think most 10 year old kids are. 

Yes, I agree it was a red flag for a while for me. I debated if I can stay with her because I noticed there was no bonding. The affection is non-existant. I mean I feel she tolerates him being around, I never see her go out of her way to have a conversation with him. There have been times where they talk, but it has never been an out of the way thing. The amount of times they have done things together alone I can mostly count on my fingers out of the 9 years we been together. 

This weekend we went to Disney World. The kids were misbehaving and yelling at each other, nothing major, just whining amongst siblings. I told them to stop fighting and mediated the situation. Well 20 minutes later my wife decided to say something to them and I was like please don't' say anything, let them be there fine now and I already told them to behave. She didn't like that I stopped her, because honestly I want the kids to have fun and not be bummed. 

So she was grumpy the rest of the night. Once we arrived around Disney area we decided to have dinner. My son wanted to go to Golden Corral, my wife doesn't really like that place. My girls could careless. I tried to compromise with wife and son and decided to go to Golden Corral. My wife never gives me a reason why she doesn't like the place. Perhaps its because my son likes it, who knows. There are numerous selections of different types of food, so its hard not to like. Anyways she didn't eat that night, I even offered her to order from hotel menu when, or pick something up etc...

Next day she was fine when we went to Disney but she was a little grumpy. 

Anyway after all of this I got this request. I am just confused and shocked. She doesn't seem to understand what my son means to me. He is my family, our family. 

She thinks my son is miserable when he goes to her family's house because he is bored. I actually do things with my son when we are with her family that is fun, so I usually don't see him being bored. We play games, I bring our laptops and we play online games, kick soccer ball around. I also play with my girls. 

I am at a total loss on this guys. Not really sure what to say or how to approach this situation. If I didn't have kids with my wife, I would be gone in a flash. I love my wife and my family, but I wish I thought this through better. I knew there were red flags with her affection and bonding and numerous times we have discussed. Honestly its been a dead end discussion.

I just want to add my wife is an excellent mother, wife and person. She is very kind hearted, so all of this comes very shocking to me. She has tolerated a lot and has been a very strong person. 

Maybe she just wants some alone time with me and the girls, but the thing is my son is part of our family and I want to know how I can get that through her thick skull LOL. Crazy.


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## turnera

So basically you married a princess who expected you to keep her on the pedestal.

Wait. I take it back. You married 'the stepmother,' and she and HER daughters sit on the pedestals because Cinderfella is just there because she can't get rid of him.

I guarantee when he turns 18, she will never speak another word to him for the rest of her life. I hope he has good therapy lined up.

meh


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## EleGirl

Your wife is cruel. 

Your response to her request has to be that you want to do things with "your" family and that includes all 5 of you. Do not ever agree to exclude your son.

I have no doubt that your son knows the score with his step mother. This could be very damaging to him. You might see him become more rebellious in your home around her because of this.

At this point, your next step is to get her into marriage counseling. 

Are you sure you want to stay with a woman who emotionally abuses your son?


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## Samus

EleGirl said:


> Your wife is cruel.
> 
> Your response to her request has to be that you want to do things with "your" family and that includes all 5 of you. Do not ever agree to exclude your son.
> 
> I have no doubt that your son knows the score with his step mother. This could be very damaging to him. You might see him become more rebellious in your home around her because of this.
> 
> At this point, your next step is to get her into marriage counseling.
> 
> Are you sure you want to stay with a woman who emotionally abuses your son?


I don't think she abuses him emotionally. They rarely speak to each other. I have my son 3 times a week Fri-Sun. Typically when my son comes home, he plays some video games, he then watches tv, reads a book or hangs out with me. We go to the park as a family, or typically just hang around the house. I am not saying they never ever talk, they did work some things our like she spoke to him about being respectful, she has made up a schedule with him on playing video games. I know she cares about him and only wants the best for him, but then she throws all that out the door with this type of request. 

She doesn't' really get involved with him at all, because she is not his Mom is what she says. She doesn't want to reprimand him, or argue with him, she is basically very passive with him.

I wouldn't leave my wife, because she is not abusing him, she just avoids conflicts. But her asking me this just makes me angry and I wanted to hear from other folks in similar situations to see if other step moms are the same way. 

Thank you all so far for the responses.


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## EleGirl

Samus said:


> I don't think she abuses him emotionally. They rarely speak to each other. I have my son 3 times a week Fri-Sun.


Ignoring a child is abusive. 
Think of how you would feel if you spend that much time in an intimate family situation and one of the most important people in the home ignored you, acted as though you hardly existed.

She does not need to act like his mother. Step parents can chose to not be involved as parents with their step children. When this is the case they need to treat the child as a guest in their home. It’s terribly impolite to ignore the existence of a guest.



Samus said:


> Typically when my son comes home, he plays some video games, he then watches tv, reads a book or hangs out with me. We go to the park as a family, or typically just hang around the house. I am not saying they never ever talk, they did work some things our like she spoke to him about being respectful, she has made up a schedule with him on playing video games. I know she cares about him and only wants the best for him, but then she throws all that out the door with this type of request.
> 
> She doesn't' really get involved with him at all, because she is not his Mom is what she says. She doesn't want to reprimand him, or argue with him, she is basically very passive with him.


Then she has no business talking to him about respect or coming up with a schedule for playing video games. That’s all on you.

Her request to exclude him from family this is over the top.


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## turnera

Acting like you don't care if a child is around, while you dote on the other two kids in the house, IS abusive.

You need to take her to a marriage counselor.


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## Samus

EleGirl said:


> Her request to exclude him from family this is over the top.


Thank you Ele. I agree wholeheartedly. I will never exclude him and she knows that. 

Even when we tried to discuss it more in depth last night, she couldn't give any reason of why she even brought this topic up, other then it is a wish that she can spend time with her FAMILY was the term she used which is me, the girls and herself. 

She would not continue talking about it after I pressed on and said why do you think this? He is part of your family, he is your step son, he is my son, you marrying me included him. How can I exclude him from his sisters, his family, vacation time where we all bond? I asked her all this to which she just couldn't answer and just kept saying "forget about it" or "never mind". 

It really hurts me, because my son is HER FAMILY in my eyes, when she married me.


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## turnera

Obviously you're the only one who believed that.

She told you what you wanted to hear at the time, to snag you.

It worked.


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## soccermom2three

Tell her, "When we married you knew we were package deal. Where I go, my son goes. End of story."

It appears that your wife has a very small heart and that's sad for your son. I would be concerned on how she treats him when you're not around.


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## tacoma

Samus said:


> She would not continue talking about it after I pressed on and said why do you think this? He is part of your family, he is your step son, he is my son, you marrying me included him. How can I exclude him from his sisters, his family, vacation time where we all bond? I asked her all this to which she just couldn't answer and just kept saying "forget about it" or "never mind".


She wants to drop it because she knows she can't ethically justify the request.

This won't end well.


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## frusdil

I am a step mum to my husbands daughter. She is 9, I came into her life when she was 6.

I adore that child. I love her as my own and we are very close. I get along well with her mum too.

I work from home, and we have her 50% of the time. I pick her up from school Wed, Thur, Fri and we take her back to mothers Saturday afternoon.

Her and I spend a lot of time alone together, even when my husband is around - we go shopping together, we watch tv together, we play games together, we talk together. I included her in my vows in our wedding ceremony and she cut the wedding cake with us. We are a family. If we have children of our own she will be their big sister. My life is so much richer for having her in it.

My family has also embraced her as their own. She calls my mum nanny and my brothers are 'Uncle A and Uncle M'. She is considered and included in all family functions.

Your wife is a cruel woman. She IS abusing your son, by ignoring him. If she doesn't include him in your family, she has no right to make up video game schedules for him, discipline him in any way or talk to him about respect. That is a parents job.

Your poor boy. I feel so sad for him


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Her request is down right out of line, awful and cruel to your son. If he finds out about this, he very well will be extremely hurt inside and emotionally. Maybe he may already feel this way since it sounds like she does treat him differently then your girls. 

My h accepted my first born from my first marriage(age 6 when married) as his own. She's a very young adult now and still treats her as if she's his biological daughter. My daughter talks to him more then any of us in the family looking for advice, she moved to another state. Growing up she did feel like we favored her sisters more then her, which was never true. We treat each child equally. I can't imagine excluding her from anything and neither can my husband, even through the tough times with her. We all stick together as a family. I would do the same if my h had children from his first marriage.

Her actions are absolutely out of line with your son.


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## Samus

Hi Guys. Thanks for all the replies.

I spoke to my wife and we had a long talk regarding the comment. I told her it was inexcusable and she shouldn't ever think like that because my son is part of our family. She agreed. I also explained to her that she needs to show him more affection, every now and again she should give him a hug and tell him she loves him. I don't expect her to replace his Mom but these are things that would help her and him bond more since they didn't for such a long time.

I know my son loves his stepmom and honestly my wife is not a bad person, she just makes stupid comments or requests like these every now and again, but its rare. I also know she loves my son.

Her whole issue with my son is that she blames me for being the slacker parent when we first go together. My son would watch tv while I play video games when he was 2-5 and she would always be there for him, but her description of the situation was inaccurate and I explained it to her. 

At this point, we have cleared up the issue and we are moving forward. I will keep you guys posted if anything comes up. I know they will be fine, I just was annoyed by the request and wanted to see what you guys thought. I am glad to see that everyone agrees with my first reaction, shocked and confused.


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## turnera

Good luck! Just remember to revisit it now and then. My guess is she may have agreed with you just to keep you from leaving her. Hope I'm wrong.


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## Samus

turnera said:


> Good luck! Just remember to revisit it now and then. My guess is she may have agreed with you just to keep you from leaving her. Hope I'm wrong.


Thanks Turnera. No she wouldn't do that. Have your spouse ever said or requested something that makes no sense? My wife does that every now and then. I think we all make mistakes and become a little selfish once in a while. 

Honestly she is an incredible Mom, I would say supermom. She works 8-5 comes home and cleans, cooks, take care of the kids, do homework with them and read with them everyday. She is a dime a dozen wife my friend, but sometime stupid things do come out of her mouth LOL.


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## turnera

And you think she doesn't mean them?


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## wilderness

Disturbing, dude. I hate to say this, but if she could say something like that, and act as you have described, you've likely only seen the beginning of sorrows.


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## Samus

wilderness said:


> Disturbing, dude. I hate to say this, but if she could say something like that, and act as you have described, you've likely only seen the beginning of sorrows.


I know man and I don't disagree. It sucks either way that she thinks like this. But I can't just up and leave my family just because my wife doesn't think straight all the time. I want to persevere and continue to try and fix things. Things are not bad really, my kid gets along fine with her, just that comment was out of line.

I think all these things are fixable. This is not a valid reason to leave a marriage, but a valid reason to resolve the issue and keep attention on it.


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## wilderness

Samus said:


> I know man and I don't disagree. It sucks either way that she thinks like this. But I can't just up and leave my family just because my wife doesn't think straight all the time. I want to persevere and continue to try and fix things. Things are not bad really, my kid gets along fine with her, just that comment was out of line.
> 
> I think all these things are fixable. This is not a valid reason to leave a marriage, but a valid reason to resolve the issue and keep attention on it.


Well I wouldn't leave over something like this, either. Hell, I'm probably as pro marriage as anyone on this forum. BUT- if I were you I would certainly be concerned. Monitor and manage the situation carefully at the very minimum.


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## frusdil

Samus said:


> I know man and I don't disagree. It sucks either way that she thinks like this. But I can't just up and leave my family just *because my wife doesn't think straight all the time.* I want to persevere and continue to try and fix things. Things are not bad really, my kid gets along fine with her, just that comment was out of line.
> 
> I think all these things are fixable. This is not a valid reason to leave a marriage, but a valid reason to resolve the issue and keep attention on it.


Doesn't think straight all the time? Really?

I would NEVER EVER say that to my husband about my stepdaughter. She is our family. We are a family - the 3 of us. Different to her mum and dad and her, but still a family.

It would never enter my head, even in anger to say such an awful thing.


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## Fleur de Cactus

Why does she expect you to love your daughters more than you son? Imagine if you ask her to go on vacation with your son but she will not bring the girls. She is being selfish. A ten year old boy is capable to understand that he is not treated like others kids. Soon he will be grown and will remember it! Try to fix it quickly. Your wife needs counseling.


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## Anastasia72

I can actually see what your wife means. 
I have a step son that I first met when he was 2. He came to our house every second weekend. I always felt a bit on edge when he came because I felt like I was always being judged by my husband on how I treated him. I got along with him fine. When he left at the end of the weekend, I could relax a bit more. 
So I can understand how your wife feels exactly. It is really hard to be a stepmother.


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## HangingOnHope

Samus said:


> I don't think she abuses him emotionally. They rarely speak to each other.
> 
> She doesn't' really get involved with him at all, because she is not his Mom is what she says.
> 
> I wouldn't leave my wife, because she is not abusing him,


I snipped a few comments out of context from one of your posts. I've read the rest in full though, just to be clear.

I know you've since talked to your wife and made your position clear. She's agreed not to make such a request again. Fine. However, given some of the things you've said about the dynamic between her and your son? There are larger issues at the foundation, imo...larger than her just not "saying" things such as the request she'd made.

In other words,I think you've just caused her to take her feelings underground, in order to keep the peace with you.


It may be somewhat natural to be closer emotionally to the bio children AND the children who are in the home 24/7, yes. But I don't think its natural to "rarely speak to each other" when they do share 3 days a week together. 

You say her behavior towards him is not abusive. I think you are sincere in believing that. Abuse comes in many forms, and sometimes people only "see" the blatant versions. But I've no doubt that your son feels a 2nd class citizen in her eyes as compared to her daughters. 

Its not enough, imo, to just accept her agreement to refrain from comments about segregating days. I think a real intervention to repair or build up their relationship is in order.
My suggestion would be to carve out some time from your weekends, each weekend, that is strictly stepmom-stepchild time. Even an hour or two of just them ...doing a project, taking a walk to talk, going out to lunch or a movie. Bonding things...where he is the sole focus of her attentions. It may be awkward at first for them both...but eventually, if she really tries...she will forge a bond. 

Good luck.


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## Jennifer871

I know step children raised in families like this and it's very sad. It can have a huge effect on a person as they age and become more aware of the situation. Especially self esteem wise. 

OP i think you should ask your wife how she would feel if the tables were turned. Let's say you decided to leave, she remarried and her new H asked her to exclude her girls....not such a nice situation anymore.


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## turnera

Honestly, you need to take this subject to a psychologist and ask him what he thinks.


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## mablenc

Next time she has a tantrum like not eating at golden corral, don't do anthing about it. Don't offer her food. Nothing she's an adult. Read no more mr nice guy. You can google it and get the free PDF.


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## Oatmeal

I think it's good that you're asking this question and thinking about how to advocate for your son. My Dad never did that and I don't really talk to him these days.


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## Yolandi

I'm surprised she doesn't have a better relationship with your son, considering he was two years old when you got together.


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## Hortensia

I join all the others who say she's being selfish. She does not love your son. To her he is a stranger hanging around with "her family". Sort of an intruder. If she had a big heart as you state, she would have grown to love him since he was a 2 year old toddler. She has not.
Like it's been said already, I would worry about how she treats him when you are not around. It might be more stuff that you just don't see.
And yes ignoring and making difference between kids is abusive. Abuse doesn't only mean physical beating, but emotional too.


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## manticore

I Have seen that females have problems bonding with son's from different mothers, while men have no problems bonding with whatever girls or boys, I have a friend that married a single mother in his early 20's (we are in our 30's now), they married when the child was 3.

one day when he was 12, he was arguing with my friend and told him, that he was not his father so he had not right to tell him what to do, my friend told him that he was not going to use that crap of speech with him, that he was his father a he was going to obey his rules, the boy never brought that topic again.

I believe that kids need validation from the stepparents, (love, respect, acceptance) if not they see them as enemies or they may feel as outsiders.


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