# Devil Food



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Let's say, hypothetically...

You have spouses where the H is trying desperately to lose about 20lbs. The W does not need or want to lose any weight.

The H struggling to lose weight usually watches what he eats, but if there is junk food that he likes around he will compulsively scarf it all down. 

The W really likes having some junk food around, but a little nibble satisfies her, so where a 1 lb. chocolate bar would last her a month or so, if H discovers it, it's lucky to last 15 minutes...

And let's say, hypothetically, today H found 1/2 of such a chocolate bar in her desk drawer and ate the whole thing then told her: Do not bring any of that into our home again.

Do you think she should humor him because she doesn't really need it and he's helpless in it's presence? Or is it unfair to tell her she can't have chocolate in her own home because of his problems with food?

I already know what I would do, but I'm curious how others see this.

One side note that frustrates her is that her H begs her not to sabotage him by buying/making special stuff on holidays or for his B-day, but then he'll occasionally lose his mind and buy junk food himself. For example, last year at Christmas he begged her not to make her annual batch of fudge that she looks forward to making every year - then a few days later came home from Costco with a 4lb bag of chocolate bars that he bought on impulse...

Is she Satan's little helper when she brings junk food he likes into the house? Or does he need to get a grip and control himself? Or does she just need to be sneakier and hide any junk food she wants better and not eat it in front of him?


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> Is she Satan's little helper when she brings junk food he likes into the house? *Or does he need to get a grip and control himself?*


As one who has fought a weight problem all his life, the onus is on him...solely and entirely. The pleas to not sabotage are simply ploys to blame shift if he fails.

6 years ago, I lost the weight...forever and have kept it off. My wife enjoys her sweets and I even buy them for her. I too love my chocolate (and don't get me started on ice cream...the bane of my existence to which I haven't tasted one bite in years).

I could write volumes on this.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> As one who has fought a weight problem all his life, the onus is on him...solely and entirely. The pleas to not sabotage are simply ploys to blame shift if he fails.
> 
> 6 years ago, I lost the weight...forever and have kept it off. My wife enjoys her sweets and I even buy them for her. I too love my chocolate (and don't get me started on ice cream...the bane of my existence to which I haven't tasted one bite in years).
> 
> I could write volumes on this.


Interesting. Ice Cream and Peanut M&M's are his undoing. (I don't even really like ice cream - it's cold. what's up with that?!) 

My thought too is that he needs to get a grip, but what I find interesting is that his parents had the same dynamic, but reversed. His dad would buy sweets then just nibble on them, and his mom could not stop eating them, and his dad would then get on her case for over eating them, and she says, to this day: "Why did he do that? He should not have bought them! He knew I couldn't resit them." (I'm thinking ...um, what if he wanted a cookie every few days? Did you consider just not touching the stuff to begin with?)

What is also interesting is that H seems literally unable to control himself with sugar but he has a pretty judgmental attitude toward drug addicts and alcoholics.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

MountainRunner said:


> As one who has fought a weight problem all his life, the onus is on him...solely and entirely.
> 
> I too love my chocolate (and don't get me started on ice cream...the bane of my existence to which I haven't tasted one bite in years).
> 
> I could write volumes on this.



BTW, is just not touching it to begin with the answer for you? Or could you now have 1 oz. of chocolate then just walk away from the rest?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yes I think SO should support one another. My weakness is beer and I live in the best state for great beer. My gf could have cases of it and only occasionally touch it. I would drink one or two a day. So I have asked her not to keep it in the house or only limited amounts which I appreciate. On the other side I have no real sweet tooth so unlimited cookies, candy, ice cream can be in the house and I could care less lol. So yes within reason I think you support one another toward goals


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

I appreciate MR's point--and in general it is on the dieter to exercise discipline. Still, I think a supportive partner could help a lot by hiding tempting food, possibly in a locked container, and by not flaunting its consumption. (S)he can also encourage better food choices consistent with the spouse's stated plan, have approved "cheat" foods on hand, and try to shop pre-emptively to head off those disastrous trips to the store on an empty stomach. 

In this case, OP did hide the chocolate in her desk, so H is being unreasonable. And if, despite all the above, his self-control is so poor that he jets off to the big-box store at 3AM to binge on junk anyway, that's ultimately his problem too. The motivation has to come from within, at least most of the time.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> BTW, is just not touching it to begin with the answer for you? Or could you now have 1 oz. of chocolate then just walk away from the rest?


Now I can, but I know I have to remain wary because I can binge. Furthermore, now that I've lost the weight, I am far more active than ever before (20-30 miles of running per week accompanied by weights...and other "stuff"  *devilish grin* ).

I can be more lax now to be sure, but I always have my weight first and foremost in my mind after watching my mother die over the years from diabetes.

I will never allow that to happen to me...It was horrible to witness.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

As a former overeater, you having things or not having things in the house isn't going to overcome his problem if he has a genuine impulse control issue. Because you not having it in the house doesn't stop what he does outside the house, at work, or anywhere else. Ultimately, he has to learn how to just say no. Otherwise are you going to call up friends and relatives before you visit them to say hide the food? I'm not sure that's realistic or fair on other people.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yeah, it's up to the dieter to decide what to eat. The spouse can be helpful by not eating the forbidden fruit in front of them and hiding it. As far as honoring his request for you to refrain from making treats during the holidays, I'd tell him to get over it or save his impulses for the holidays. To deny you the yearly chance to do something you enjoy is over the top. Then he sabotages himself? No way. I hope you made up a batch of fudge for yourself.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

As the person who would scarf the candy bar, I realize it is up to me to exert discipline. However, sugar is addictive and on top of that, studies have shown that people have a limited amount of will power. Test subjects were given different tasks and those who had to use more willpower initially were weaker at the end of the day than those who did not. So it appears restraint/willpower/discipline are finite. 

If all of a person's will power is used up, for example, at a stressful job where he/she has to keep their opinions in check and avoided the donuts in the breakroom, ate with a client at lunch and chose the salad vs. the fries, then has a long commute where they have to reign in their road rage, then they come home to find one of the kids left their bicycle in front of the garage door AGAIN, but they calmly move it only to come in and find the chocolate, they may not have any more restraint left.

Still TBD is whether or not one can develop a capacity for more willpower. 

So perhaps take the willpower issue away. How about individually wrapped things that prevent breaking off a big chunk? Or locking away the treats and don't even tell him where they are; a secret stash.

I know my ex would buy me an occasional treat while complaining about my weight and it felt like sabotage when what I really wanted was support, like going with me on a walk or to the gym.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

I believe in being supportive of your person. If I hardly eat sweets, I wouldn't see the need of bringing sweets into my home. I would go buy a small treat, whenever I felt the urge to do so and be mindful of my person.

Do I think a person should be able to have self control, yes. Does that mean they always will, no. If I want to be a part of my partners journey to succeeding, I would do my part in helping them on their way. 

Would you leave alchohl in an alcoholics home, while they are battling temptation and trying to overcome their thought process as to which sets them off, to look for a drink?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Would you keep alcohol in the house if you lived with an alcoholic? Food, for some people, is the same thing. People can be addicted to food. The pisser is, you don't have to consume alcohol to live. With food, obviously you do.

Its not so easy to "get over it." 

That's not to say that nothing should be done about it. Therapy might be a good start, or a group support setting.

So to answer your question, if my loved one had an issue, I'd get my junk food fix outside of the home. Because I want my loved one to be healthy and live a life thats not torturous for him every time he opens the pantry.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

New_Beginnings said:


> I believe in being supportive of your person. If I hardly eat sweets, I wouldn't see the need of bringing sweets into my home. I would go buy a small treat, whenever I felt the urge to do so and be mindful of my person.
> 
> Do I think a person should be able to have self control, yes. Does that mean they always will, no. If I want to be a part of my partners journey to succeeding, I would do my part in helping them on their way.
> 
> Would you leave alchohl in an alcoholics home, while they are battling temptation and trying to overcome their thought process as to which sets them off, to look for a drink?


 Lol I hadn't read the responses before I posted. :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

What about issues where the W wants to go out and eat at a place that might not be that healthy (we'll say Taco bell or McDonalds) because she has a "craving". H doesn't want to go, but W insists and complains when H says it isn't healthy.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> Let's say, hypothetically...
> 
> You have spouses where the H is trying desperately to lose about 20lbs. The W does not need or want to lose any weight.
> 
> ...


YOU can ask her to help you with this.

She gets too choose what SHE wants to do.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

JukeboxHero said:


> What about issues where the W wanbts to go out and eat at a place that might not be that healthy (we'll say Taco bell or McDonalds) because she has a "craving". H doesn't want to go, but W insists and complains when H says it isn't healthy.


Then W can go herself and H should not be cajoled into going. 

Lots of times my bf and I have different meals. I can't eat like he does. Its a non issue for us. He doesn't try to talk me out of it, or give me any sh#t. Know why? Because he knows he'll hear me ***** about how my pants dont fit anymore. And it ain't pretty.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

lucy999 said:


> Then W can go herself and H should not be cajoled into going.
> 
> Lots of times my bf and I have different meals. I can't eat like he does. Its a non issue for us. He doesn't try to talk me out of it, or give me any sh#t. Know why? Because he knows he'll hear me ***** about how my pants dont fit anymore. And it ain't pretty.




I want to invent the strechy pants. For men, it may size 32 but it stretches to 38 giving the delusion that we all want.

"What are you talking about hon, I am the same size as I was 10 years ago, that is what my pants say."

But what is not pretty, the trying on the pants or the derogatory statements while trying.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

You are responsible for your own food intake. When I go into prep mode for a body building show, my diet changes drastically. However, I do not require that my wife or kids change their eating habits at all. They will have what they normally eat. I just have to exercise will power and determination to stick with the meal plan that is part of my training.

I have seen relationships go bad when one spouse is in show prep and the other won't follow the same diet plan. Strict dieting is already a selfish thing because it becomes all about the individual dieting. So, I think the issues are all on them.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Bbdad, I didn't know there were other competitors here! I competed in Bikini a few times, wanted to get to Figure but haven't gotten my shoulders to cooperate to date. 

Anyway. I have food issues. As a kid I was obese and a compulsive overeater. At 15 I developed anorexia and was hospitalized by 16. Was "cured," then battled bingeing and purging, exercise bulimia, anorexia again a few times.... Food or lack of food is my drug. But I can't force people, my husband included, to completely avoid my triggers (the things that trigger an impulse to binge or starve or purge or...). I have to manage them myself because I am responsible for me, and also because I cannot ensure a completely controlled environment everywhere I go.

Getting fit is a lifestyle change. Your husband can't expect to avoid chocolate bars at home, work, friends' homes, for the rest of his life. He needs to get to the root of the problem because eating a 1lb chocolate bar in one sitting is NOT overeating, it is bingeing and that suggests that he also uses food as a drug. He needs to see a therapist specializing in eating disorders.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Perhaps your husband can create his own diet plan. Say that he keeps to his diet Monday ~ Friday and on the weekends allows himself to cheat a little. One treat on Saturday and one treat on Sunday. Could be candy if that is what he is craving or fried chicken. 

This worked for my Mom when she gained a ton of weight after her hysterectomy. Plus, my Dad would buy her new clothes whenever she dropped a size. She really, really liked new clothes.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Phil Anders said:


> I appreciate MR's point--and in general it is on the dieter to exercise discipline. Still, I think a supportive partner could help a lot by hiding tempting food, possibly in a locked container, and by not flaunting its consumption. (S)he can also encourage better food choices consistent with the spouse's stated plan, have approved "cheat" foods on hand, and try to shop pre-emptively to head off those disastrous trips to the store on an empty stomach.
> 
> In this case, OP did hide the chocolate in her desk, so H is being unreasonable. And if, despite all the above, his self-control is so poor that he jets off to the big-box store at 3AM to binge on junk anyway, that's ultimately his problem too. The motivation has to come from within, at least most of the time.


It actually wasn't hidden - he knew it was there and that I'm very lazy in my attempts to "hide" anything from him. I did watch with amusement as he came into my office and accidentally snatched the dark chocolate out of my desk thinking it was the milk chocolate and scarfed down two pieces of that before realizing something was wrong. 

I have decided that for now I'm not bringing any more home for awhile because I don't need it either. In the future if I decide I want some I will be much more discreet. He is weak in the face of sweets, and when I have them I am weak in wanting to give him some because I know he likes it so much. He will ask me to run to the store for junk when he doesn't feel well and I don't have the strength to say NO. Then he eats it then hates himself. I need to be stronger and let him go through withdrawal!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Perhaps your husband can create his own diet plan. Say that he keeps to his diet Monday ~ Friday and on the weekends allows himself to cheat a little. One treat on Saturday and one treat on Sunday. Could be candy if that is what he is craving or fried chicken.
> 
> This worked for my Mom when she gained a ton of weight after her hysterectomy. Plus, my Dad would buy her new clothes whenever she dropped a size. She really, really liked new clothes.


This is a good idea. He does very good with diets when it's black and white and he can only eat certain things. As soon as there is any room to maneuver though he goes off the deep end. In the past when he's gotten off sugar for a few weeks he lost his sweet tooth and was fine. As soon as he had some again though, it was all over...

He also gains weight incredibly easy. We went out to dinner last night and had two drinks each with moderately fattening food. Today he weight 3 lbs. more. (Me just 1 lb. though I ate as much as him.) If I control myself for the next two days, my pound will drop off. He will need to do hard core dieting for at least a week for his.


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