# Don't know what else to do.



## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

My wife and I have been together for 9 and half years. Married 4 and a half. When we got together everything was great like all relationships. Over time I got sucked into a video game and neglected my wife. Was spending a tremendous amount of time on my game and not with her. To make matters worst I picked at her about her weight and even convinced her to have an abortion around our second year together. We where young, and I thought it was a good idea because it would allow us to finish our education, work on careers and then have a child when we where financially stable. At the time we where still both living with parents and only 17 and 20. I know now it was the wrong decision and I would take it back in a heartbeat if I could. 

We ended up moving away from her family to peruse my career in the movie industry out in LA. My wife ended up going to nursing school while we where out there. Three months before her graduation I was offered a job in Miami. At this time both my wife and I where full times students with no income. We where living off loans to get by. I ended up taking the job and lived at my place of employment. I asked my wife if she would be willing to relocate back home while we saved money to move her down and get a place. She agreed and moved in with her family. This was only supposed to be temporary, maybe 3 months. Well economy tanked and that three months turned into a year. I would make sure to come up every month or two to spend the weekend with her. The last time I came up she told me that she no longer was in love with me. She had a lot of time living away from me to remember all the bad times and how crappy I treated her. I agreed with her and how I was neglecting her. I was 100% in the wrong and I knew it. My parents where going through the exact situation at the same time. I was the man my father taught me to be and it wasn't the greatest. I have seen the same problems in my brothers relationship, cousin, brother in law and it’s always the same things. By being the third party in those situations I was actually able to reflect on the harm it was doing to their spouse. I never want my wife to go through that ever again. I learned from the experience, put my career behind me and moved my wife to being #1 in my life. 

I moved back home to be closer to her and attempt to make the marriage work. I have spent the past 4 months changing myself as a person mentally, physically and spiritually. I stopped playing video games, learned to stop acting on impulse and instead make my choices based on values. I no longer and short tempered due to this. I managed to pull this off by learning to stop cursing believe it or not. It caused me to become more self aware of my speech and in turn allows me to think before I act now. I have gone through 6 different marriage audio programs like Mortl Fertel's Marriage Fitness, Anthony Robbin's Ultimate Relationship Program, and Gary Smalley's Relationship program to name a few. I have learned the error of my ways and have taken steps to becoming a better person and husband. Her family as well as her have seen the changes in me. They all say I am a new person and they like it. The problem now is that my wife says she doesn't love me. She still has resentment towards me and still gets angry just at the sight of me. She has agreed to go to a counselor for herself, not the marriage. She said that she must see if she even wants to try and salvage the marriage. I am hoping that a counselor will help her to understand that she is capable of forgiving me but I'm scared at the same time. It can work the other way. 

I'm emotionally spent and don't know what to do. I can't afford to see a counselor myself so I'm resulting to forums for advice and support. I'm not a perfect man by far but I'm a much better person than I ever was. I no longer play games on the computer, call her and text her everyday to wish her a great day. Call her beautiful with every opportunity, cook surprise dinners and take it to her work. I'm doing everything I can think of to show her that she is the number one thing in my life but she won't open her heart. She's afraid to get hurt again and that things won't change but I don't know what else to do. I will continue to try and be the best husband I can possibly be but it's difficult with us not living together and her resentment towards me.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i have good news and bad news.

the bad news is there's really nothing you can do but be yourself and wait patiently for your wife to work through her anger and resentment.

the good news is all you have to do is keep being the great guy she and her family say you've transformed into while waiting pateintly for your wife to work through her resentment and anger.

your wife is too angery to see you right now. a therapist will open her eyes, and then she'll make a sober decision abouit her marriage.

keep in mind she fell in love with you once when your were only half the man you are now.

the only caveat i offer is i've often seen young men who are literally scared straight, that is, clean up their act because they've come face to face with the loss of their spouse.

but then when the wife returns and things settle down the husband reverts to old behaviours.

if your wife senses this is the case, then it's 'don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out' time.

so just make sure your changes are sincere.

have a fish, they're free.:fish:


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

Thank you RC. I mentioned to her today that I have no way of proving to her that my changes are permanent other than showing it over time. I owe a lot to God, Mort Fertel, Anthony Robbins, Gary Smalley and Dr. Laura. I have learned a lot from these counseling programs and they opened up my mind and eyes to how women think and how to make a relationship work. I was always a logical person so my decisions where always based on the best logical decision. It was Mort that showed me that the best decision isn't always the right decision. Would you rather be married or right? I've put a lot of the things I've learned into practice and with constantly doing these things over and over it has helped me make natural habits of them.

God has given me the strength to continue showing my wife that I love her regardless of how she feels about me. She mentioned to me the other day that the things that bring feelings out in her are all physical. Hugging, cuddeling, kissing, holding hands, etc. All I could think is "how am I supposed to do that if she won't open up to me?"

So I went to Walmart and bought the following and put this on the card..

A stuffed monkey for when you need someone to cuddle with...
Hershey's Hugs & Kisses for when you feel lonely....
Shower gloves for when you need help washing yourself in the shower.....
Lotion for when you need your feet rubbed.....
Bubblebath for when you need to relax after a long day at work.....
And popcorn for them movie nights where you can cuddle with your monkey....



I thought it was cutie. One of those gifts that really showed that I was thinking of her needs. Of course she was unresponsive but who cares. I wanted to do it for her.


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

On another note, I've noticed she has been having regular contact with her previous boyfriend. I know I can't confront her about it considering it would make me seem like I was snooping so I'm trying to disregard it as being friendly. Guess I'm blinded by love.


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## Blaze (Sep 16, 2009)

Does the subject of that abortion ever come up? That would be an instant deal breaker for me. 

Best of luck to you both, 
Blze


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

the question is, were you snooping when you discovered she was in contact with her old boyfriend.

if you weren't then you have a right to bring it up but not in a confrontational way.

you could tell her you're aware of her contact and you're concerned, tell her you love her, and drop it.

and unfortunately there is reason to be very concerned about this turn of events.

your wife could easily be looking to an idealized past relationship for comfort instead of working on her marriage.


cheers:toast:


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

That is wonderful that you are striving to change yourself. I echo what RC has said and encourage you to make sure these changes are permanent and not just out of desperation because of the possibility of her leaving you.
I believe you are making the right choice in giving her her space right now. More than likely, the more you push the issue of getting back together (or of her contact with her boyfriend) the more she will pull away. However, I also think you should continue to maintain some contact (as you are doing). You don't want to give her the impression that you have stopped carring.
If this relationship does work out (and hopefully it does for the benefit of both of you) it will be a completely different relationship because of the changes you have made with yourself. If and when you get back together, I would strongly encourage the two of you to date and court each other again. Dating and courting are the means by which couples strengthen their relationship and prepare for a lasting marriage. Good luck!


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Ojcamero, living in limbo isn't very comfortable, but sometimes necessary. It seems that your wife is angry, resentful and is possibly attempting to rekindle the flames with an old boyfriend. 

Give her time to decide exactly what she wants to do, with no pressure from you. I would ask, though, if she is interested in someone else, and mention that you discovered she was in contact with her former boyfriend.

Don't let anything reverse the positive changes you have made within yourself, as even if you and your wife don't reconcile, you will still be that better informed, reformed guy. That is important in any relationship. Either way, it will be a win, win situation.


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

Blaze said:


> Does the subject of that abortion ever come up? That would be an instant deal breaker for me.
> 
> Best of luck to you both,
> Blze


It has come up before however, over these past few weeks not a single conversation has come up about the past or past problems.

Riverside: Thank you for the encouragement. I actually like the person I am now. Much happier, get along with everyone else and don't feel like the jerk anymore. This is definitely the new me.

RC: In regards to snooping, I wasn't snooping when I found the number. I was snooping when I found out the number was to her ex-boyfriend, so.... wrong on my part but I had to know for myself. Not to throw it in her face.

Foolz: Thank you. I am allowing her to have her space now and give her some time to reflect on her feelings. Hopefully seeing a counselor will help. She has never had a third party opinion on the matter so everyone is always pushing their "opinions" on the matter. Granted she should not be discussing our issues with family and friends but she does. Hoping the counselor will make this clearer for her.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

There is nothing you can do about the old boyfriend. Think about as if your talking to a teenager. You tell her no not to talk to him it forces her to talk to him more and confirms why she shouldn't be there. ONLY SHE can see what she is doing is wrong. The hardest part about a spouse leaving is that you can't help them see what they are doing is wrong.. Yet we all try to help them. They will have to have the lightbulb go off in their head. Your wife obviously has a problem letting the past go.. It will only eat at her and make er more miserable. How I got my wife to see what she was doing was ask her what does holding onto this pain accomplish?? She would be quiet then. That was her thinking time. Over time she is starting to see its no good to dwell on the past as you can't change it.. Nothing good comes from it.. Keep the faith. t's a long hard road. Just lok at my almost 300 posts. Well I went nuts..


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> There is nothing you can do about the old boyfriend. Think about as if your talking to a teenager. You tell her no not to talk to him it forces her to talk to him more and confirms why she shouldn't be there. ONLY SHE can see what she is doing is wrong. The hardest part about a spouse leaving is that you can't help them see what they are doing is wrong.. Yet we all try to help them. They will have to have the lightbulb go off in their head. Your wife obviously has a problem letting the past go.. It will only eat at her and make er more miserable. How I got my wife to see what she was doing was ask her what does holding onto this pain accomplish?? She would be quiet then. That was her thinking time. Over time she is starting to see its no good to dwell on the past as you can't change it.. Nothing good comes from it.. Keep the faith. t's a long hard road. Just lok at my almost 300 posts. Well I went nuts..


Thank you for your inspiring words. The old me would have immediately confronted her about the contact with her ex. I can actually think more clearly now and weight the outcome of my decisions before I make them. Like you said, confronting her and asking her to stop contact will just push her further away from me. I'm going to have to let it go and hope she makes the right decision. I'm not giving up on her but man it's getting tough. I decided to not contact her for the next few days and see what happens. Well, she ended up texting me last night thanking me for the gift basket I made for her. She said the monkey has helped her sleep. I never responded. Later today she texts me "Have a good day." First time in the past three months that she has thanked me for anything I've done or went out of her way to contact me have a nice day. She definitely has a lot going on in her head at the moment. I'm going to continue and keep from contacting her or responding to see what she does. Maybe it's making her think?


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I think so.. You stopped persuing her and it's got her thinking. Keep the contact to a min.. Let her have space. She needs time to think about things from different perspectives. As I told you I am HORRIBLE at this. I got my relationship by pure luck and my wife forgiving me. Not so much from what I did.. You are doing great. Seem happy.. When she texts you respond politely and not needy.. From what your post told me she is already starting to think.. Don't do any more nice things like the gift baskets. If you get overly romantic she will think its an act. Little at a time.. Keep it up!!!


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

Thanks again. Today will make day two that I do not attempt to contact her first. It's killing me already. She texted me last night when she got off work "good night". I ended up responding "night". First response to all of her texts yesterday. I will continue to stay strong and keep it to a minimum. Let her make all the first moves and do not act needy. Thanks again for the encouragement! I'm just worried that "giving her space" may result in her looking for that attention from her ex. There is a fine line to walk.


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

So I slipped up an texted her today. Man I need to be stronger. I mainly did it because I started listening to a program by Dr. Gottman yesterday. He goes on talking about how people bid one another. Bidding being reaching out to someone. And someone who bids and does not receive an bid bad is less likely to bid next time in fear of rejection. Yesterday she texted me "have a good day" and then "good night" when she got home. By not responding I felt that I would make her bid feel rejected, so today I started the day off telling her "good morning beautiful, I hope you have a wonderful day at work." and for the first time she responded to it. She said "you too". First time ever responding to my daily "have a great day" text messages. Then tonight she calls me to go over logisitical stuff. Ok... not very productive. After I get off the phone I decide to text her jokingly saying "good night beautiful, tell the monkey I said hi. lol" She responded with "hey, don't knock my monkey, he keeps me safe at night." few seconds later she sends another message "he gives me someone to cuddle with." I guess this is a good sign no?


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

Just spent the last two and a half hours with her at a car lot looking for a new car for her. Would have been nice if she "asked" me to come but rather I asked if I could tag a long. She said she didn't care and we hung out looking for a car. It was kinda nice, we joked around like the old days. Hope it's a step in the right direction and not just her being nice. Either way our conversations are more playful.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

You need time.. It won't be fixed quick.. Now stay away.. Give her time to reflect on that day..


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

So hard to stay away  She called me this morning. She was so depressed that the deal with her car didn't go through. I felt bad and wanted to cheer her up so I spent a good part of the day going to dealerships looking for a car for her. Found one, called her and she came by to check it out. Spent the next 2 hours with her working a deal on the car. Ended up not getting it. Man I felt bad. She has had her heart on getting it. Now I'm at her house playing Halo with her brother-in law and brother. She said I could crash on the couch if I start drinking so I don't have to drive. After this weekend I will try to give her some space. lol


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

man it's killing me to know she's just 10 feet away in her room and we are both sleeping alone. OMG it's killing me. Wish she would come in the living room and just sneak onto the couch with me and cuddle. Wow, how I took things for granted.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

We all do.. This is what happens.. Nothing your doing isn't what I did or others have. YOu need to realize that this space is helping her clear her mind and look at this from different perspectives. If you are on top of her she won't be able to see it.. That's why it's important to focus on you. Not sure if you have watched a movie or not but I would suggest Fireproof.. It's a great movie about this.. I did "The Love Dare" which was in the movie to my wife. It changed me.. I am loving her for who she is and my wife saw those changes.. Now our marriage is working on being better then it has before.


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> Not sure if you have watched a movie or not but I would suggest Fireproof.. It's a great movie about this.. I did "The Love Dare" which was in the movie to my wife.


Yes I've seen Fireproof and even have the Love Dare book. It's just been difficult to do a lot of the dares due to not living together as well as limited physical contact. 

So an update on today. Woke up this morning when she texted me from the other room thinking I left. I walked in and we sat on her bed watching TV. I left for a few minutes to pick up breakfast for us. Then her family calls up asking for us to tag along while they shop for costumes for the kids. We spent a good part of the day together hanging out, joking with one another both physically as well as in speech. We where very playful today. I am back again at the house playing Xbox with my brother in-law sleeping on the couch again and going to church with my mother in-law in the morning. Wondering if anything new pops up from the wifey tonight. I bought her a small bottle of Tequila Rose "her favorite". She was like, you know what tequila does to me. :rofl:


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

Wel, had a HUGE breakthrough this weekend. Spent the past 4 days with her and the past two where a little more physical. We have been touching again, and even managed to cuddle with her and take a nap this afternoon before she went to work. Now she is talking about coming to my place "for the first time" and having a movie night with me. I am so freaking excited!!! My heart was racing today laying there cuddling with her. I kept expecting to wake up and be depressed when I realized it was all a dream. BUT IT WASN'T!!!!!

:woohoo::woohoo::woohoo::woohoo:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ojcamero said:


> Wel, had a HUGE breakthrough this weekend. Spent the past 4 days with her and the past two where a little more physical. We have been touching again, and even managed to cuddle with her and take a nap this afternoon before she went to work. Now she is talking about coming to my place "for the first time" and having a movie night with me. I am so freaking excited!!! My heart was racing today laying there cuddling with her. I kept expecting to wake up and be depressed when I realized it was all a dream. BUT IT WASN'T!!!!!
> 
> :woohoo::woohoo::woohoo::woohoo:


:smthumbup: that's awesome ojc. and btw, i thought the monkey and everything was the most adorable idea. i would have melted if my H did that.


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

Thank you Blanca. I am still very proud of myself for that gift basket. I can honestly say it's the first time that I got her something where I REALLY put some serious thinking into it. Not just a present to buy her but something to show her that I "know" her.

So movie night went pretty well. I knew she would be tired from this weekend and work not to mention hungry. I made us some snacks "(chicken strips, mozzarella sticks) right before she got here for the movie. We went through the sales ads looking for new furniture for "if we worked things out for our new place". We then proceeded to watch the movie. She complained about her back hurting so I took it as an opportunity to give her a massage. She layed down, and accepted it.  After the movie was over she went home. I sent her a text saying "Have a good night sleep sweetie. Thank you for a wonderful weekend and give Mr. monkey a good night kiss for me." She responded with "Mr. Monkey always gets kisses, just remember one small step at a time. Don't push. Let me figure it out, let me be comfortable." 

I need to learn to control myself. lol Anyway, things are looking up. I feel I am emotionally strong enough now to quit smoking tomorrow. Can't wait till next month. My birthday is only four weeks away and a week ago I swore I thought I was going to spend it alone.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Thats great work.. The key is patience. I know its ard. We see a crack and we jump in... I am stil trying this but my patience has run its course..


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Ojcamero, hang in there, buddy. It is very difficult for anyone in a situation like this, but you will survive. Try not to worry. I realize this is easier said than done, though. Staying busy is a good anxiety deflector. If you are not already doing this, you may also want to try a multiple vitamin supplement to help with stress, as these kinds of situations can take a toll on your overall health. Please keep us posted on how things are going.


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

foolz1 said:


> Ojcamero, hang in there, buddy. It is very difficult for anyone in a situation like this, but you will survive. Try not to worry. I realize this is easier said than done, though. Staying busy is a good anxiety deflector. If you are not already doing this, you may also want to try a multiple vitamin supplement to help with stress, as these kinds of situations can take a toll on your overall health. Please keep us posted on how things are going.


Thanks for the advice Foolz. One thing I managed to do during this entire situation was to focus on myself both mentally as well as physically. I have been working out 6 days a week using P90X and eating a low carb diet and taking multi vitamins on a consistent basis. It has been hard at times to keep myself going with everything going on but I managed to maintain discipline. I noticed that it helps a lot with releasing tension and stress. Not to mention working out leaves you feeling pretty good thanks to all those released chemicals when your done. Now time to quit smoking.


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## Sha100 (Oct 12, 2009)

Er.. Hi,

I am new and just poking around. I couldn't help but notice that I was disagreeing with a lot of the opinions here. Women are pretty deep and their feelings are very deep. When a person is really hurting, what is needed is an open and sincere heart. A card, no matter how cute it is, can be insulting in that it diminishes the depth of her sorrow. Talk about resentment. When someone is really hurting, what they want is someone to understand, to really try and make that emotional connection with them. That's just my opinon, but what do I know..


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

So it looks like we are on the path to reconciliation. :smthumbup:

We spent the entire morning together shopping for christmas presents. We held hands everywhere we went, she leaned on me and gave me hugs on several occasions today. After talking I found out that she finally saw a counselor last week. Aparently that is what set all of this in motion. She is giving me another chance to prove I can be a better husband for the long term. She told me today "so far so good". She wants to take it slow as her counselor mentioned not to jump back into married life too quickly. Date again. Don't rush anything.

I'm so excited, she has been willing to spend all of our free time together. I told her I had the day off tomorrow and she was like, "cool, so do I. We can go do something." So I'm planning on waking her up in the morning with breakfast in bed and spend the day hanging out. She told me tonight that her family was very excited to know that we are working on things. I just hope I have the wisdom and strength to stay on the straight arrow. I pray that god helps keep me in line. I also told her to let me know if I start to get out of line and provide any criticism where possible. I need her help to make sure I will always be the best husband that I can to her. At least this time around I am aware and willing to correct my issues.


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## ojcamero (Jul 28, 2009)

oh yeah, I mentioned Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness. I've done the love ranger track 3 times already, looks like she will be willing to go through it with me on the duo track. Then after we build our relationship back up we can see a counselor to work on any loose ends.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

That's great news. Keep up the good work. Remember to address al the issues that got you to where you were. This way it doesn't slip back..


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## KC7NOA (Dec 31, 2017)

I'm kind of curious how things worked out it's been quite a while since your last post


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zombie thread.. 8 years old. The OP is long gone.


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