# Geting an email from someone saying your partner is cheating



## elysium311 (May 22, 2013)

I'm in a bad situation. I received an email from a person I don't know telling me my fiancé is cheating on me. It hit me like a wall of bricks. I immediate asked him about it. The email was a girl saying he spent the night with his ex girlfriend, (insert name). I had never heard of this girl. As soon as I said the name he said I know who this. Long story short...before he dated me he apparently had a stalker. He has showed me emails she sent him back in 2011 begging for him back, had other people (including my cousin) say that she would come by the house and his work wanting to talk to him. I get that some people act crazy when a relationship ends...but why wait until now to contact me to get revenge on him? He and I have had many fights about this. He feels I'm believing a stranger over him. I just don't know why someone would make this up. I wrote back an email to her telling her that ive heard from several people she is unstable and she had better back off. she of course wrote back saying it again and then went on and on about how when he broke up with her he cut off all communication, didn't handle it maturely. So what?? what does that have to do with me? 
He said he never told me about her because he figured i'd head for the hills if he told me he had dating situation where the person would not leave him alone. I want to believe him, but this is so weird. I tend to be a paranoid person already about everything. My family members don't think he did this...obviously his don't either. I did not respond to her again and he said he has not either and that all she wants is a response. I don't feel like I even trust her enough to ask her for more proof.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I would respond to her once more by e-mail, and tell her that if she has some evidence to give you, that you will look at it; but if not, don't contact me again.

I would also create a new e-mail account and give her that different e-mail address for her to contact you; then block her from the original one. 

Don't let your fiance know this and don't mention this again to him unless/until you have further proof to confront him with.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

badmemory said:


> I would respond to her once more by e-mail, and tell her that if she has some evidence to give you, that you will look at it; but if not, don't contact me again.
> 
> I would also create a new e-mail account and give her that different e-mail address for her to contact you; then block her from the original one.
> 
> Don't let your fiance know this and don't mention this again to him unless/until you have further proof to confront him with.


This is phenomenal advice. Do exactly this.


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## elysium311 (May 22, 2013)

that's a thought. the thing is when I wrote back to her telling her to back off, she wrote back to me and told me not to contact her again. Um ok. I honestly just have a bad taste in my mouth about her now after hearing from my fiancé and others about her. There was also an email from her to him in Jan 2012 telling him that he is a good looking guy and can do better than me. It freaked me out because she somehow sees my pictures online...she does not have a facebook account..not under herself anyways. she had emailed me from a fake email, but I have her real email from him. He told he cannot stand her and there's no way he'd ever do anything with her, why would he, etc...he said she is trying to screw him over because she somehow found out we are getting married. they dated 3-4 months and he said they were never a couple...she thinks they were. He just said, well that's her fault. not mine. she's also about 10 years older than me...not that age matters all that much but in a way it does.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

One other thing,

Just because the girl may be nuts, and/or is looking for revenge, doesn't "necessarily" mean she's lying.


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## elysium311 (May 22, 2013)

oh and she told me she has texts from him...but did not send them


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

> He said he never told me about her because he figured i'd head for the hills if he told me he had dating situation where the person would not leave him alone.


This is a bad sign, you need to find out what else he is suppressing from you, so you don't head for the hills.

Everyone has baggage, but we should have a right to decide if we can cope with it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

elysium, 

Here's the way I see it. You have "proof" so to speak from your fiance, and other witnesses, who testify that the person writing these emails stalked him and is not stable. You've see with your own eyes her past emails and attempts to break you two up. So her motives are suspect AT BEST and verifiably hostile at worst. 

On the other hand, she has presented you no evidence yet, not one chat, email, cellphone picture, or even times that don't match up. Nothing! So plain ol' common sense says that you hold your judgment until some sort of proof is offered that can be verified (no photoshopped, blurry photos). 

Until some sort of evidence is produced--something you can look up yourself and check to prove it's true--then it's nothing but hot air. PLUS, you already have some evidence that she's not stable and trying to hurt you two! Am I saying your fiance is pure as the driven snow? Nope! But if you have "proof of hostile intent" in the left hand" and "a bunch of hearsay accusations with no proof" in the other"...well you tell me which hand wins!


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

She obviously has no proof, or she would have told you she did already.

She has a history of "stalking" your fiance, right...

I'm not saying there isn't a possability that he did cheat, but the evedance supports that he is right, she's unstable.

Trust, but verify. It would be bad if he cheated, but it would also be bad to not give him the benifit of the doubt right now.

His "XGF" is not your allie. She has a history of trying to influance your fiance.

Let things calm down for a week, or two, then see how you feel then.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

What's your fiance's age?

I think, out of prudence, you should proceed carefully with your fiance. Wait/get more info. Then decide what to do.

One thing you know now is that his ex-girlfriend is really upset and who knows if that will carry into the marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She is mad, evil and potentially dangerous. 

Sic the police on her. Seriously.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, if she had proof she would have supplied it. No offense, but she sounds like a whack job who is trying to mess with your head and cause problems. 

No proof- and a mentally unstable stalking history- dismiss her from your thoughts. I wouldn't contact her again, but that's me.

If she really had texts, she would have sent them. 

If you want to check anything, see if you can look at his phone or phone records. 

Also, keep in mind that she have or possibly get a text from him. He may send her a "leave me F-ing be" text. 

Good luck
WD


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## elysium311 (May 22, 2013)

Part of me doesnt want to write back to her because then it looks like she got to me even though she did but she doesnt need to know that. I wish i didnt even respond to her first email..but i did. She obviously doesnt have a lot of self control. In thinking things over it really doesnt seem like my fiance would do this. Again i just cant imagine why someone would be so hateful. Ive sometimes felt upset or hurt if an ex thay dumped me is in a new relationship or gets married...sometimes it seems unfair, etc but i cant imagine doing something like this..she has caused a lot of pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

She is hateful because maybe she wants him?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

elysium311 said:


> Part of me doesnt want to write back to her because then it looks like she got to me even though she did but she doesnt need to know that. I wish i didnt even respond to her first email..but i did. She obviously doesnt have a lot of self control. In thinking things over it really doesnt seem like my fiance would do this. Again i just cant imagine why someone would be so hateful. Ive sometimes felt upset or hurt if an ex thay dumped me is in a new relationship or gets married...sometimes it seems unfair, etc but i cant imagine doing something like this..she has caused a lot of pain.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know if I would email her again, but if I did...

I couldn't help but add a picture like this...









I'M ONLY KIDDING! Don't do it. She's not stable enough to appreciate the humor.

I'm just sayin', if it were me.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

elysium311 said:


> Part of me doesnt want to write back to her because then it looks like she got to me even though she did but she doesnt need to know that.* I wish i didnt even respond to her first email..but i did.* She obviously doesnt have a lot of self control. In thinking things over it really doesnt seem like my fiance would do this. Again i just cant imagine why someone would be so hateful. Ive sometimes felt upset or hurt if an ex thay dumped me is in a new relationship or gets married...sometimes it seems unfair, etc but i cant imagine doing something like this..she has caused a lot of pain.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You should not worry about how this woman thinks of you. Your main concern is how you look to your fiance AND how he looks to you at this moment.

It seems that I see a lot of posts where the BS/P is told to be more concerned what the POSAP thinks about your actions than the people that you have invited to be in your life.

If you are satisfied that you do not need any more information, then simply ignore her. If she makes it difficult to ignore her, then you will need to evaluate how to block her depending on how she contacts you.


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## elysium311 (May 22, 2013)

I'm still not doing well with this situation...and we're married now. Things were ok...but i feel like i'm living in the past of when i got these emails. I think about it all the time...why she would send them, did he do this. I am basically ruining our relationship because i keep bringing it up and it drives him crazy. He will not talk about it anymore. He is now saying he wants to end things with me because he is so tired of me brining this up and he doenst think i'll ever get over this. He thinks it's sickening. I dont know what to think??? Am i crazy because I cant beleive him?? he told me that he was going to email her to tell her off now he won't. He just wants to forget about it and move on. I just keep getting these terrified thoughts of what if he did this, what if he cheated on me. I dont know why I cant believe him and take his word for it. I've never had anything like this happen before. I dont know why he gets so angry when i bring it up. I mean we really have beaten a dead horse...but i feel like i am not being given information.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

You know why you can't move on, but I will tell you anyway. You believe he cheated. You gut tells you that and his response to you questioning lets you know you are right. You can't prove it but your heart does not care about proof all it cares about is the fact that it KNOWS. Do you want advice on how to run down the truth?


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## elysium311 (May 22, 2013)

I dont know how i can get the truth. I dont know what to believe. I Really don't. He says he didnt do this...but i dont know why someone would tell me this...it just seems like it could be true. I cant imagine why he would do this, i never would have thought he'd do this until i got this email, but i can't let this go. He will not talk about it anymore.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Okay you want the truth. So first step ask him to take a poly many will say this not 100 percent but really this is your best way. He will freak out and you may get a confession from him many people do on the day of the poly. You can schedule one in your area. This is the easiest method of finding the truth. Tell him if he does this you will never bring it up again that you just cannot get past it and it is ruining you marriage. If he says he would rather divorce you then take it well you have your answer then.


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## elysium311 (May 22, 2013)

i just dont know why this had to happen. I cant imagine why someone would say this happened if it didnt...he is saying it's her getting revenge on him...i just have no idea because he works nights and he isnt always home. I just feel so violated that someone would even tell me these things...6 weeks before my wedding. I feel like i'm crazy right now. Sometimes i dont think he did it and i believe him...but at other times i think my god he must have done this...and I have no real proof of anything!!


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## Julien (Mar 25, 2013)

Some people are crazy, people lie, people make stuff up.

Want to know of a crazy story?
A friend of mine got arrested after his ex-wife accused him of beating her (he never did). Now here is what happened: his wife went to the county sheriff to get a restraining order against him, they told her that without evidence (or at least a claim) of abuse, they couldn't do anything. Most people would stop it at that.
She didn't! With this information in hand, she drove to the next county, talked to the sheriff's office, told them her husband was beating her, got the restraining order. She then started pushing his button via text messages, he called her a b*tch. That was considered a violation of the restraining order and he got arrested.

If you spend some more time around here and read some threads, you would be amazed at how many people are in trouble because their WS is making stuff up about being abused and the like, things that you and I probably will never think of doing or have trouble imagining why someone would do it.
Here is the reason, that girl is BITTER... With an ounce of crazy. If she has no proof, I see no reason not to trust your husband.

You should also file a restraining order against her to prevent that situation from happening again in the future.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Elysium, I get the feeling you're making a big mistake by believing the nut job. One of her complaints was that your now-husband cut off all communication with her after the break-up? Really? But then somehow they wound up in the sack? Possible, I suppose, but it sure doesn't strike me as likely. Throw in the other evidence you have about her stalkerish behavior and it leaves no doubt in my mind that this is all a fabrication designed to break you two up.

And unfortunately it's working.

Your husband is going to be left wondering what the hell is wrong with him that he keeps on attracting unstable women.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I would email her back and ask for screenshots of the texts she has. No other way to know for sure. Of course your H is denying it, and maybe gaslighting you. She is probably nuts, but that doesn't preclude your H from breaking off one last piece before he tied the knot.

Go with your gut - if you have suspicions, take action to confirm or deny them. Your H getting angry about bringing it up is a red flag. He should understand how this would make you suspicious.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

OnTheRocks said:


> He should understand how this would make you suspicious.


Understanding has it's limits. If this has been going on for over a month, with my new bride believing a whacko ex over me, my patience for the situation will have worn very thin.

The OP needs to decide who she chooses to believe, and stick with it, either way.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You went ahead with the marriage. You had a choice to stop things but you didn't. You chose your marriage. Marriages are permanent and not intended to be disposable. Forget about this and be a wife. Chances are nothing happened. All of us who are married have husbands or wives who may have done something we would not apprecaite in their pasts... At the point you choose to marry you are accepting all of that in and are not being fair by allow the past to ruin the present... Possibly some counseling to get over your insecurity would help...


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## Dread Pirate Roberts (May 22, 2012)

I do think that in hindsight, he should've told you about her earlier, although I can see that would be an awkward conversation - "Hey, I've got this crazy stalker psycho in my past. Want to get a bite to eat?"

On the other hand, you've got at least one email of her disparaging you, and you do have confirmation of her behavior from others. And you have zippo from her for proof. You keep asking why she would say this if it weren't true. Well, take a look around this forum. Some people are just broken, and don't care who they hurt to validate themselves.

From the outside, it does look like she's just trying to exact revenge for being scorned. I think you need to really consider why it is that you don't believe your husband.

DPR


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Hicks said:


> You went ahead with the marriage. You had a choice to stop things but you didn't. You chose your marriage. Marriages are permanent and not intended to be disposable. Forget about this and be a wife. Chances are nothing happened. All of us who are married have husbands or wives who may have done something we would not apprecaite in their pasts... At the point you choose to marry you are accepting all of that in and are not being fair by allow the past to ruin the present... Possibly some counseling to get over your insecurity would help...


:iagree:

The choices are simple:

1. Move On. Day 1 = Wedding Ceremony. Whatever happened in the past is in the past.

2. Believe your H and move on. The Ex is a stalker..

3. The Ex is telling the truth. Then what happens? What would you do if you found that she was telling the truth? Divorce your new H? Have a miserable relationship and mistrust him for the rest of your married life together?

Let me repeat #1. Day 1 - Wedding Ceremony. Since it wasn't dealt with prior to the wedding, leave it in the past.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Actually, I've met quite alot of malicious women like this, one of my exs was like this actually. They involve themselves in people's relationships sometimes out of jealousy, sometimes out of greed, sometimes out of spite. Hell there's even a bible story about how far a woman can truly go when she's rejected... what was it? Joshua or something, or Jacob... or bah! It was when the Jews were slaves to Egypt (someone help?)

Your intuition is giving you the heads up but I would be wary about mistaking it for your own insecurities. To analyse the situation you need to keep it together, please for your own sanity. You are very emotional right now and it's not the best time to listen everything that you feel. I've worked with my intuition throughout all my life and yes I believe in it and also that it has kept me alive all these years.

However I also understand its limits and my own weaknesses, insecurities that can cloud its judgement hence I do not depend on it solely during times like this. In times like this, I suggest you THINK, not feel.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You could say "Who are you?" And why are you telling me this? Wy should I believe you?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

elysium311 said:


> i just dont know why this had to happen. I cant imagine why someone would say this happened if it didnt...


A lot of people are messed up and want to mess your relationship up. Especially if she wants revenge on him cause he chose you to marry.

Could be the truth or it could be lies.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

It may sound bizarre, but it strikes me that there is an opportunity or two hidden in this messs.....

1. If you deal with this TOGETHER then it will bring you closer. You have an outside agency attacking your new marriage, so why wouldn't you team up to handle it? If he is reluctant to do this, or keeps something from you or is generally cagey about things, then you have your answer. If he wholeheartedly joins forces with you to get this woman out of your lives, and is open and honest about everything, then you have your answer. Trust your gut.

2. You also get the opportunity to set a boundary early on in your marriage - you can make absolutely clear that infidelity is a deal breaker for you. 

I would sit down with him, be honest about the fact that this has spooked you (but that you really don't want to doubt him) and say that you would like to work together to get this woman out of your lives and out of your marriage. 

If you read a lot of the sad stories on TAM lack of communication and unresolved issues is at the heart of many/most of them. Don't go down that road. Be open and honest now and it will set you on a great path for a good marriage.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> what was it? Joshua or something, or Jacob... or bah! It was when the Jews were slaves to Egypt (someone help?)


Joseph was sold by his brothers into slavery in Egypt. Pharoah's wife had the hots for him but he would't do her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Voltaire said:


> It may sound bizarre, but it strikes me that there is an opportunity or two hidden in this messs.....
> 
> 1. If you deal with this TOGETHER then it will bring you closer. You have an outside agency attacking your new marriage, so why wouldn't you team up to handle it? If he is reluctant to do this, or keeps something from you or is generally cagey about things, then you have your answer. If he wholeheartedly joins forces with you to get this woman out of your lives, and is open and honest about everything, then you have your answer. Trust your gut.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Excellent post, top to bottom!


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

My cousin had this exact same thing happen to him. His exgf would wait by his car when he got off work, made phone calls and e-mails with lies to his new GF to try and break them up, and actually slashed all the tires on his current GF's car. Ended up going to police and having to get a restraining order before it all finally ended.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I had this happen to me! Stop destroying your young marriage. This early on, your spouse may decide he made a terrible mistake. That your judgement is quite flawed and you aren't a good risk partner to spend his life with. If you keep bringing up something that never happened and for which you have ZERO evidence, you WILL poison the rlationship


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

elysium311 said:


> i just dont know why this had to happen. I cant imagine why someone would say this happened if it didnt...he is saying it's her getting revenge on him...i just have no idea because he works nights and he isnt always home. I just feel so violated that someone would even tell me these things...6 weeks before my wedding. I feel like i'm crazy right now. Sometimes i dont think he did it and i believe him...but at other times i think my god he must have done this...and I have no real proof of anything!!


Have you asked her for proof in the form of the text messages? I does not look like you have? If this is bothering you so much, try and get the evidence.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

doubletrouble said:


> Joseph was sold by his brothers into slavery in Egypt. Pharoah's wife had the hots for him but he would't do her.


Ah I knew it started with a J  thanks



> It may sound bizarre, but it strikes me that there is an opportunity or two hidden in this messs.....
> 
> 1. If you deal with this TOGETHER then it will bring you closer. You have an outside agency attacking your new marriage, so why wouldn't you team up to handle it? If he is reluctant to do this, or keeps something from you or is generally cagey about things, then you have your answer. If he wholeheartedly joins forces with you to get this woman out of your lives, and is open and honest about everything, then you have your answer. Trust your gut.
> 
> 2. You also get the opportunity to set a boundary early on in your marriage - you can make absolutely clear that infidelity is a deal breaker for you.


This :smthumbup:


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## elysium311 (May 22, 2013)

Thanks, I am feeling better today. Was very emotional last night. I almost get these panic attacks where Im convinced that he did this. It's awful. I know I dont know her from adam and I've known him for years....but it's a he said, she said thing. I'm still with him, so the majority of me believes him...but again I cant rationalize why someone would say this if it werent true. I know how it feels to have a guy dump you and then marry someone else..it hurts...but i cant imagine taking my anger out on the new woman. It makes no sense. He thinks that she thinks he broke up with her for me. I have been obsessing over this for 2 months. A little more than 2 months now. This was an awful thing that happened and it's bringing out insecurities in myself. I have cheated on 2 people before, i was in my late teens/early 20's and i felt incredibly guilty. It was more of an I got drunk type deal and hooked up with a few different people on different occasions and i felt so horrible. I never told one of the people who is now an ex. The other ex knew and he forgave me, but then i did it again. I was 19...i know, no excuse. I hurt him deeply. I also one time went through this same ex's email and found an email that he had sent to another girl (he was away in the navy) I asked him about and flipped out upset and he just said it was a friend of a friend, etc and he was not cheating on me. To this day i still dont know what that was all about, but i know how it's so easy to cover up cheating and how much it hurts. I felt soo guilty that i just knew i'd never cheat on anyone again. 

Anyways my now husband cheated on his girlfriend of 4 years when he was 22....so he's cheated before. You're probably thinking we deserve each other after what i just told you...but i really have changed. I'm 33 now and he's 38. He said he did what he did because he was young and immature. I"m digressing. I guess my point is that i feel haunted by memories i've had of cheating and this does seem very real in that someone he slept with has gone out of her way to track me down and tell me he was in her bed and cheated on me with her. Ugh. I want to believe him. I also do not want to contact her. Of course part of me wants to ask her to send more proof, but then it's giving into her...and who knows what her response would be at this point. I keep thinking that if she had a real smoking gun she would have already let me know about it. It's already bad enough that he wasn't home on the night she's saying...although she did get her nights mixed up. In one email she said saturday, in the next she said friday. It seems like it could be believable because he was working friday night..not with me...so he does not have me as an alibi as far as that night is concerned

He thinks that i should just believe him and his word. He did show me proof of his paystub/hours that he was at work that night...but who knows that doest mean a lot...he could have left. One just never knows. It would be so evil of him if he did that to me...i cant imagine he would be that deceitful. I also was not home when he got in that morning...i was out doing wedding stuff...we were minding my brothers dogs and he had come home to feed them and take them out....he did text me at 8am to ask questions about the dogs. OMG. I just hope he wouldnt do this...that's all. My parents know about this and basically think i'm crazy and trying to ruin my life. I'm just obssessed with this situation. The only thing that keeps my mind off it at the moment is my job, but i still think about it there.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I know how it feels to have a guy dump you and then marry someone else..it hurts...but i cant imagine taking my anger out on the new woman. It makes no sense.


Makes perfect sense to me, just because you're not the type of woman who would do such a thing doesn't mean other women share the same morality.



> Anyways my now husband cheated on his girlfriend of 4 years when he was 22....so he's cheated before. You're probably thinking we deserve each other after what i just told you...but i really have changed. I'm 33 now and he's 38.


I cheated as well, and hell I didn't even know I was capable of such a thing. Still, I've learnt and matured.



> He thinks that i should just believe him and his word. He did show me proof of his paystub/hours that he was at work that night...but who knows that doest mean a lot...he could have left. One just never knows.


Well, he was very transparent with you since you brought it up. That has to count for something.


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

Obviously, you would know better than I would, but I really don't think he cheated. She has no proof. And he was at work and he showed you his pay stub.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

my thoughts are this is alwaya going to be in the back of your mind so I would swallow your pride and email the ex girlfriend and ask for thr texts. Tell her you can't just send an email like that without proof. If she doesn't send anything i doubt she has it. OR you can set up spy stuff to check on him to know for sure if anything is going on.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

There are enough horrific stories of marriage breakdowns due to infidelity and lies on this website. For goodness sake don't let your marriage break down due to the worry of infidelity alone. If you do that, you will never have a happy relationship with anyone.

So he cheated on a girlfriend in the past when he was young. A non-issue to me, unless there is actual evidence of him doing it now, which there isn't.

Nutjobs are unfortunately all too common. This girl sounds like one. Your husband is being very open about it all (and I don't think him with-holding this info initially as a problem, as I wouldn't discuss every past relationship in detail as part of a screening process in a new relationship).

Voltaires post above has hit the nail on the head. This is a great opportunity to lay some boundaries out and work together to get rid of this crackpot once and for all. 

But please please please don't let the stuff this woman says in the absence of evidence, influence your marriage negatively. Please.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You will never know for certain whether he did or didn't. All you can do is look at his actions now and in the future and judge for yourself.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP if she had proof she would be rubbing your nose in it. She sounds like a bitter person who can't stand the thought that he married you and not her. My guess is that she is trying to mind fvck you and you are letting her. Careful, I get what some are suggesting but honestly it sounds like your gut could be off because you have cheated years ago and still are holding on to some guilt. 

If I was your new spouse I would be plenty upset that you were siding with a batsh!t crazy ex over me. Do you really want to let her ruin your marriage. I'm sure she would love that. If you are having panic attacks. Seek professional help. 

Good luck
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

elysium311 said:


> ...but again I cant rationalize why someone would say this if it werent true.
> 
> I'm 33 now and he's 38.


Ok, I'll be blunt here, it's time for you to grow up here and realize what people can be capable of doing to each other. 

You're judging people based on what YOU would do. Now it's ok to expect people to be honorable and not to intentionally cause harm or grief on other people, but realistically, this isn't always the case. There are plenty of examples here on TAM alone that people don't always do the right thing. People can and will treat other people like dirt, and then just go along and act like they did nothing wrong.

Something similar happened to me before, a woman would call my GF and tell her that I was cheating on her, this went on for a few months. Finally my car broke down and I bought a truck, within two weeks this same woman called my GF again and told her that she just seen me driving around with a blond in my car, my GF said "Really? Because he got rid of his car and bought a truck two weeks ago". I was with her in her car when she got the call. The calls stopped completely after that, it was a funny thing to see.

Oh, and of course, I never thought that my wife would cheat on me, because I knew that I would never cheat on her, but she proved me wrong in that regard too.

People are not always like you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Op how could your husband prove to you that he didn't do it? He already showed you his pay stub that reflects he was at work. You have texts from him the next morning so you know he was home caring for the dogs. You think he risked you and his job for some nut case? Does that make sense?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## elysium311 (May 22, 2013)

well I've been thinking a lot about this situation lately. My fears about it subsided for a while but for the past two weeks this has really been haunting me. Nothing new has transpired in the situation but I just feel damaged. I feel sick thinking there was something that could have been going on behind my back. Even if nothing physical happened what if he was in contact with her recently and this happened. I just have no idea. He is adamant that he did nothing wrong. I just can't rationalize why another human being would go through the trouble of finding someone's info and emailing them this information. Even if this happened and she thought she was trying to be helpful this was NOT helpful. Her delivery was not nice, to be honest she sounded like a moron who could barely type. She is in her 40's yet it sounded like a teenager had written it, misspellings, grammatical errors all over the place. I just cant believe this happened. I guess other people's happiness (marriage) can bring out the worst in people especially when it's an ex who screwed you over (my now husband screwing this girl over). I just never thought of myself as a person who would HAVE this kind of drama. I have made mistakes in life, I'm not perfect, I've gotten upset over men in my past. I have NEVER contacted their significant others though. I can remember texting an ex and his girlfriend wrote back angrily saying this is his girlfriend. Her and i had a bit back and forth and i admit i was drunk at the time. I am just thinking of situations i can relate to this, but i can't! I could never tell someone your fiance is cheating on you. 

I once hooked up with a man who told me he was separated then I learned he wasnt. I had no feelings for him though so I didnt care. I could have cared less about letting his wife know. I felt bad but at the same time I thought he was seperated, then learned that wasn't the case. It then turned into well, we're no longer intimate. I would have been mortified to say a WORD to his wife. He's her problem, not mine. 

again i just can't rationalize this whole thing. It does seem that she wanted to ruin our relationship. Even if they had been intimate she didnt need to tell me. She wanted to rub my face in it. That was the point of her emails. she wanted to stir something up between us. a few people here told me I should contact her for more info, but I dont want to. That's not an option for me. She truly didn't sound stable in her emails, then of course my fiancé has painted a whole other picture of her and I want nothing to do with her. 

My husband gets annoyed when i bring this up. He cant believe we are still talking about the situation. It didnt happen to him tho. we talked about what he would have done if a guy emailed him to tell him i cheated on him. He said he would have gone crazy, but would have listened to my explanation and put two and two together and moved on. My husband really isnt a jealous insecure guy. I on the other hand was before this happened and now it's worse.


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

elysium311 said:


> well I've been thinking a lot about this situation lately. My fears about it subsided for a while but for the past two weeks this has really been haunting me. Nothing new has transpired in the situation but I just feel damaged. I feel sick thinking there was something that could have been going on behind my back. Even if nothing physical happened what if he was in contact with her recently and this happened. I just have no idea. He is adamant that he did nothing wrong. I just can't rationalize why another human being would go through the trouble of finding someone's info and emailing them this information. Even if this happened and she thought she was trying to be helpful this was NOT helpful. Her delivery was not nice, to be honest she sounded like a moron who could barely type. She is in her 40's yet it sounded like a teenager had written it, misspellings, grammatical errors all over the place. I just cant believe this happened. I guess other people's happiness (marriage) can bring out the worst in people especially when it's an ex who screwed you over (my now husband screwing this girl over). I just never thought of myself as a person who would HAVE this kind of drama. I have made mistakes in life, I'm not perfect, I've gotten upset over men in my past. I have NEVER contacted their significant others though. I can remember texting an ex and his girlfriend wrote back angrily saying this is his girlfriend. Her and i had a bit back and forth and i admit i was drunk at the time. I am just thinking of situations i can relate to this, but i can't! I could never tell someone your fiance is cheating on you.
> 
> I once hooked up with a man who told me he was separated then I learned he wasnt. I had no feelings for him though so I didnt care. I could have cared less about letting his wife know. I felt bad but at the same time I thought he was seperated, then learned that wasn't the case. It then turned into well, we're no longer intimate. I would have been mortified to say a WORD to his wife. He's her problem, not mine.
> 
> ...


If you won't follow through and contact her for the required proof them there is nothing that we can do to help you.

Seriously, it sounds to me like she is just trying to start trouble, and you have let her succeed, I feel sorry for your husband for going through this for so long.

You really, truly need to get her to provide proof, find proof on your own, or let this go, I for one would have dropped you by now if I was your H and I was innocent of this accusation.

Why are you coming here and ignoring everyone's advice? Do you like being miserable?


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

elysium311 said:


> I just can't rationalize why another human being would go through the trouble of finding someone's info and emailing them this information.


Some people in this world are ignorant, some people really don't care about anyone but themselves.

She could be sitting back and laughing at how she put a wedge in your marriage, and you're just trying to rationalize why.

Get proof from her, or find out that she doesn't have any proof and that she was lying the entire time.


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

Onmyway said:


> Some people in this world are ignorant, some people really don't care about anyone but themselves.
> 
> She could be sitting back and laughing at how she put a wedge in your marriage, and you're just trying to rationalize why.
> 
> Get proof from her, or find out that she doesn't have any proof and that she was lying the entire time.


:iagree:
Yes, there are people out there with nothing better to do... unfortunately you got one on your tail. Get your proof and be done with it!


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## elysium311 (May 22, 2013)

if she had proof why didnt she just include it in her stupid emails?? I feel like if i reach out to her now she really wins.

she described an outfit he was wearing, that was her proof. I have no idea what he was wearing that night, but he does have clothes like what she described, jeans, plaid shirt, hoody, brown boots. He was working so it's unlikely he'd have that outfit on. He said she is likely referring to what he would wear when they were involved.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

elysium311 said:


> I could never tell someone your fiance is cheating on you.


Why not? You would be doing the betrayed spouse a favor letting them know that their spouse is cheating. If you know he/she is cheating and say nothing, then you are supporting the affair.
When my husband cheated on me all of our ‘friends’ felt just as you do. After I found out about his affairs, I found out that everyone knew but me. I dropped all of those supposed “friends”. Who needs people in their life who will continue to help their spouse cheat.


elysium311 said:


> I once hooked up with a man who told me he was separated then I learned he wasnt. I had no feelings for him though so I didnt care. I could have cared less about letting his wife know. I felt bad but at the same time I thought he was seperated, then learned that wasn't the case. It then turned into well, we're no longer intimate. I would have been mortified to say a WORD to his wife. He's her problem, not mine.


I would have told her and given her evidence. Most people here would advise you to tell his wife. When good people fail to act evil wins.


elysium311 said:


> again i just can't rationalize this whole thing. It does seem that she wanted to ruin our relationship. Even if they had been intimate she didnt need to tell me. She wanted to rub my face in it. That was the point of her emails. she wanted to stir something up between us. a few people here told me I should contact her for more info, but I dont want to. That's not an option for me. She truly didn't sound stable in her emails, then of course my fiancé has painted a whole other picture of her and I want nothing to do with her.


If your fiancé/husband is cheating on you, you don’t want to know? Really. This translates to you are ok with him cheating as long as you do not know. How would you feel if he brought home an STD to you? Are you willing to take that risk just so that you remain ignorant to his cheating? How about if he has a child with another woman and then he has to your user marital assets to support that child.. and he has to spend his time raising that child.
I really think that you have not thought this through. I think you would want to know with hard evidence so that you knew what was really going on in your life.



elysium311 said:


> My husband gets annoyed when i bring this up. He cant believe we are still talking about the situation.


He should be annoyed. You have no proof of him cheating, yet you bring it up constantly apparently. Every time you bring it up he feels accused of something he claims he did not do. You have got to let this go. Stop talking to him about it. If you end to see a counselor to have someone to talk to and get over it, then do that. But stop torturing your husband.



elysium311 said:


> It didnt happen to him tho.


You are wrong. It did happen to him too. Sure she contacted you. But you then have constantly brought this up to him and he has to constantly defend himself. Stop thinking about yourself for a minute and put yourself in his shoes.



elysium311 said:


> we talked about what he would have done if a guy emailed him to tell him i cheated on him. He said he would have gone crazy, but would have listened to my explanation and put two and two together and moved on. My husband really isnt a jealous insecure guy. I on the other hand was before this happened and now it's worse.


You husband has no clue how he would react if someone told him that you cheated. No one knows how they would react until it happens. 

The fact is that this woman put doubt in your head. You have apparently not done anything to find out if your husband really is cheating. Instead you are just driving him nuts with it.

Drop it. But keep an eye open. If you ever get any real evidence then do not confront him with it in a kneejerk reaction. Instead take time to vet what you are told. Do some investigation on your own. Never accuse your fiancé/spouse of cheating when you have nothing solid to back up your accusations.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

elysium311 said:


> if she had proof why didnt she just include it in her stupid emails?? I feel like if i reach out to her now she really wins.
> 
> she described an outfit he was wearing, that was her proof. I have no idea what he was wearing that night, but he does have clothes like what she described, jeans, plaid shirt, hoody, brown boots. He was working so it's unlikely he'd have that outfit on. He said she is likely referring to what he would wear when they were involved.


That's not proof because it does not pin point anything. All it could prove is that he saw him.. even from a distance. IT does not prove that they were actually together.

Do you want to investigate to see if you find him cheating? 

Or do you want to just drop this?

In either case do not mention what she has told you to him again. If he was having an affair, all telling him with no hard evidence does is to drive it underground.


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## elysium311 (May 22, 2013)

I dont think he is having an affair. I just worry if maybe he had sex with her while we were together. Again i have no proof other than these emails and if i hadn't received that email I'd have no idea who this person even was. I really think that if he was having an affair we would not have gotten married (this email was sent 7 weeks before our wedding). My husband is not perfect but he's a good man. He is not someone who would have relationships with 2 women at the same time. I do have a nagging wonder if maybe he used her for sex. Maybe he figured, hey she's a sure thing, I've had sex with her before, my partner has no idea who she is. I just dont know. and yes i've put him through hell with bringing this up. I think that he would have left by now if he didnt really want to be with me. and if he had feelings for this woman i think he'd have broken down and admitted it by now. However if he decided to have a dirty sexual fling with her then that's a different story.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

elysium311 said:


> I dont think he is having an affair. I just worry if maybe he had sex with her while we were together.


So I looked up the definition of ‘love affair’. It covers one episode for an ongoing one. It does not have to be cheating. Two single people can have an affair. 
love affair
n
1.	a romantic or sexual relationship, esp a temporary one, between two people
2.	An intimate sexual relationship or episode between lovers.
If he had sex he committed infidelity/adultery. Yea I know that you were not married… but I think we can end the semantics discussion with this.
If he had sex with her while you were engaged… it’s pretty darn horrible.



elysium311 said:


> Again i have no proof other than these emails and if i hadn't received that email I'd have no idea who this person even was.


Yes you have no proof. So if you accept that then stop bringing it up to him. You will drive him away. 

If you think there is a chance he did/is cheating, quietly investigate. 



elysium311 said:


> I really think that if he was having an affair we would not have gotten married (this email was sent 7 weeks before our wedding).


Why? Do you think that cheaters don’t get married? IT happens all the time. 



elysium311 said:


> My husband is not perfect but he's a good man. He is not someone who would have relationships with 2 women at the same time. I do have a nagging wonder if maybe he used her for sex. Maybe he figured, hey she's a sure thing, I've had sex with her before, my partner has no idea who she is.


Keep reading the above two sentences until you realize how the second sentence contradicts the first. If he’s a good man, he would not use her for sex. IF he’s a good man he would not lie and cheat on you. How can the two sentences even exist in the same paragraph?



elysium311 said:


> I just dont know. and yes i've put him through hell with bringing this up. I think that he would have left by now if he didnt really want to be with me. and if he had feelings for this woman i think he'd have broken down and admitted it by now. However if he decided to have a dirty sexual fling with her then that's a different story.


You are talking in circles. If you are doing this to him, he is being driven nuts with it. Geez. 

After reading all your posts and especially these last few from today. I get the impression that you think he had sex with her but are trying to talk yourself out of thinking that.


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## elysium311 (May 22, 2013)

'I get the impression that you think he had sex with her but are trying to talk yourself out of thinking that.'

well i know he has had sex with her before. He was dating her before me. He has showed me emails from her begging for him back in the early stages of our relationship. It seemed like she was begging for him back but he was with me. I have no idea what he said back, but i know that he did eventually tell her about me because that's how she found out my name. My issue is if they had sex while he and i were together. He says no. Her emails to me did not come out and say, we had sex but that was implied. she said he was in my bed on such and such night (she gave me two different days also, couldnt keep her days straight) one of the days he was with me, one he wasn't, he was working. She has put it in my head that he did something...he is telling me he didn't. I should believe him, but it seems like cheating is so common these days, why wouldnt he do it too??  of course i hope he didnt. But i dont want to be a fool either.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

elysium311 said:


> 'I get the impression that you think he had sex with her but are trying to talk yourself out of thinking that.'
> 
> well i know he has had sex with her before. He was dating her before me. He has showed me emails from her begging for him back in the early stages of our relationship.


Let me reword that sentence to make it clearer……

I get the impression that you think he had sex with her, while you were seeing him or engaged to him, but you are trying to talk yourself out of thinking that.'




elysium311 said:


> It seemed like she was begging for him back but he was with me. I have no idea what he said back, but i know that he did eventually tell her about me because that's how she found out my name.


How long did you date him before marriage? How long were you engaged to him?

Why does he still have emails from her? If he has emails from her, surely he still has what he sent her. Why keep only one side of an email chain?



elysium311 said:


> My issue is if they had sex while he and i were together. He says no. Her emails to me did not come out and say, we had sex but that was implied. she said he was in my bed on such and such night (she gave me two different days also, couldnt keep her days straight) one of the days he was with me, one he wasn't, he was working.


Generally saying that he was in her bed means that he was in her bed having sex with her. I think that she was clear.



elysium311 said:


> She has put it in my head that he did something...he is telling me he didn't. I should believe him, but it seems like cheating is so common these days, why wouldnt he do it too??  of course i hope he didnt. But i dont want to be a fool either.


Well the problem is that he will say that he did not cheat whether he cheated or not. Cheaters usually lie unless the betrayed spouse has solid evidence that they cannot deny.

The advice I gave you above does not change.

Stop bugging him since you have no evidence. If you need help in getting beyond this go get counseling. IT’s your issue, not his.

If you think he might cheated, or might be cheating, then investigate and don’t say anything to him about it until you have solid evidence. If you never have solid evidence then you will have proven to yourself that he is not cheating now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

elysium311 said:


> I'm still not doing well with this situation...and we're married now. Things were ok...but i feel like i'm living in the past of when i got these emails. I think about it all the time..*.why she would send them,* did he do this. I am basically ruining our relationship because i keep bringing it up and it drives him crazy. He will not talk about it anymore. He is now saying he wants to end things with me because he is so tired of me brining this up and he doenst think i'll ever get over this. He thinks it's sickening. I dont know what to think??? Am i crazy because I cant beleive him?? he told me that he was going to email her to tell her off now he won't. He just wants to forget about it and move on. I just keep getting these terrified thoughts of what if he did this, what if he cheated on me. I dont know why I cant believe him and take his word for it. I've never had anything like this happen before. I dont know why he gets so angry when i bring it up. I mean we really have beaten a dead horse...but i feel like i am not being given information.


Why? Because she hates you. But why would she hate you if she doesn't know you? Mentally ill people need no reason to hate.

But in your case you stole her man! And for her, that's enough reason.


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

elysium311 said:


> if she had proof why didnt she just include it in her stupid emails?? I feel like if i reach out to her now she really wins.


I do appreciate what you're going through, on one hand you have a scorned bunny boiler that is angry about him leaving her so she's intent on breaking you two up, for whatever reason, maybe she does want another chance with him. On the other you have an ex that could have been an easy piece for him, and now she wants to come clean. And now you have to decide which one is true.

In the first instance, she's won already if you don't clear your mind of this, trying to get proof from her will not "make her win".

And you indeed are correct, she should have attached proof in the first email, otherwise she has none. You said that you've seen emails between them? Then she should be able to come up with at least one incriminating email to prove that you have the second situation.

Right now you're only pushing him away, and you need to quit bringing it up constantly.

At best, he's innocent of having an A but will be pushed away from you because of your accusations, I would be willing to bet that he is already, but is hoping that you get over this obsession of yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Could it be that you are more paranoid because your husband gets upset (defensive?) and this makes you feel like he's hiding something? Instead of reassuring and maybe even reaching out her with you listening and asking her to stop?
_Posted via Mobile Device_

I will add, he may not be doing what you want him to do or what you would do. It doesn't mean he's cheating either, maybe you want reassurance?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

It really is possible she's just crazy and trying to **** with you two.

This is why I always say don't even bother with exposure unless you have concrete evidence or at least something to back it up besides an accusation. Not that we even know for sure the H in this situation cheated at all.


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## elysium311 (May 22, 2013)

Honestly yes sometimes his attitude about the situation bothers me. When this all first happened he was shocked, was very gentle with me and said he felt terrible for me. But as time has gone on he does get impatient when i bring it up and angry that i still dont trust him/believe him. I guess i do need more reassurance from him about this than he's given. If i bring it up he will often just say, dont get me going, dont start, I'm not talking about this anymore. Then other times he's joked about it. He'll say oh yeah i cheated, I"m sorry honey and he makes this face like our bulldog. This ususally leads to a argument and him saying well this is how i'm going to react if you keep bringing this up.

I do see a counsellor, i'd been seeing one before this happened and I of course told her about this. She basicaly says the same thing as people here. Either I believe him or I don't. I asked her in the begiining if she would reach out to the woman for proof and she just said, i cant answer that for you. You have to decide. I told a few friends/family about this and they advised me not to reach out to her saying she could continue to lie and already hasnt given real proof when she should have/could have.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

elysium311 said:


> Honestly yes sometimes his attitude about the situation bothers me. When this all first happened he was shocked, was very gentle with me and said he felt terrible for me. But as time has gone on he does get impatient when i bring it up and angry that i still dont trust him/believe him. I guess i do need more reassurance from him about this than he's given. If i bring it up he will often just say, dont get me going, dont start, I'm not talking about this anymore. Then other times he's joked about it. He'll say oh yeah i cheated, I"m sorry honey and he makes this face like our bulldog. This ususally leads to a argument and him saying well this is how i'm going to react if you keep bringing this up.
> 
> I do see a counsellor, i'd been seeing one before this happened and I of course told her about this. She basicaly says the same thing as people here. Either I believe him or I don't. I asked her in the begiining if she would reach out to the woman for proof and she just said, i cant answer that for you. You have to decide. I told a few friends/family about this and they advised me not to reach out to her saying she could continue to lie and already hasnt given real proof when she should have/could have.


If your husband is innocent, he has every right to be very upset with you at this point. There is no way that he can prove that he did not have sex with her as she claims. He cannot make you feel better.

You are obsessed and don’t seem to be able to let it go. So it probably would be a good thing for you to contact her and ask for any proof she has. Ask her for copies of every email and other communication she has from him. If she kept them, you will be able to see his responses to her on those emails that he showed you. If you contact her, do not tell your husband what you are doing beforehand. If she has no proof then you have to give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s called bring innocent until proven guilty.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, no offense, but if I were your husband, I'd be irritated if you were still bringing this up.

If this batsh!t crazy ex had proof she would have rubbed it in your nose by now. She didn't because she doesn't have it.

He can't control her actions, only his own.

Do not let this rot your life. Matt made a good point. She probably dislikes you and views you as the one who got what she wanted.

I would not contact the OW at this point. It will only feed her ego and she will use it against you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

elysium311 said:


> 'I get the impression that you think he had sex with her but are trying to talk yourself out of thinking that.'
> 
> well i know he has had sex with her before. He was dating her before me. He has showed me emails from her begging for him back in the early stages of our relationship. It seemed like she was begging for him back but he was with me. I have no idea what he said back, but i know that he did eventually tell her about me because that's how she found out my name. My issue is if they had sex while he and i were together. He says no. Her emails to me did not come out and say, we had sex but that was implied. she said he was in my bed on such and such night (she gave me two different days also, couldnt keep her days straight) one of the days he was with me, one he wasn't, he was working. She has put it in my head that he did something...he is telling me he didn't. I should believe him, but it seems like cheating is so common these days, why wouldnt he do it too??  of course i hope he didnt. But i dont want to be a fool either.


Why do you think your husband gave her your name? It could have been anyone that knows who he was marrying. Friends, aquaintances, relatives etc.

You need to get in touch with the stalker and tell her she wins. She has accomplished what she set out to do. You have swallowed her story hook line and sinker and you are rapidly destroying your marriage. Its hard to believe your husband is still putting up with this bs.

There are no certainties in life, but you can be sure you are certainly running your husband off.

Find yourself a counselor or let him go.


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## elysium311 (May 22, 2013)

'Why do you think your husband gave her your name? It could have been anyone that knows who he was marrying. Friends, aquaintances, relatives etc.'

I dont know why he gave her my name, but he did. I saw a past email from her to him saying, so this girl your with now has the same last name as your roommate (my husbands former roomate is my cousin). She then went on to say that I"m unattractive and she thought he'd be with someone more glamorous. I have no idea what this chick looks like, but I know I"m not ugly. And no offense to my husband but he is bald so he's not exactly a supermodel either. She basically saying my husband is too hot for me...or Im not as hot as her. 

Whatever. I'm NOT contacting her. That ship has sailed. I just need to let this go.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

elysium311 said:


> Honestly yes sometimes his attitude about the situation bothers me. *When this all first happened he was shocked, was very gentle with me and said he felt terrible for me. But as time has gone on he does get impatient when i bring it up and angry that i still dont trust him/believe him.* I guess i do need more reassurance from him about this than he's given. If i bring it up he will often just say, dont get me going, dont start, I'm not talking about this anymore. Then other times he's joked about it. He'll say oh yeah i cheated, I"m sorry honey and he makes this face like our bulldog. This ususally leads to a argument and him saying well this is how i'm going to react if you keep bringing this up.
> 
> I do see a counsellor, i'd been seeing one before this happened and I of course told her about this. She basicaly says the same thing as people here. Either I believe him or I don't. I asked her in the begiining if she would reach out to the woman for proof and she just said, i cant answer that for you. You have to decide. I told a few friends/family about this and they advised me not to reach out to her saying she could continue to lie and already hasnt given real proof when she should have/could have.


Dear elysium311,

The manner in which your H has reacted to this -- first being gentle and now becoming impatient -- is entirely consistent with his being innocent of the alleged infidelity.

Your behavior, on the other hand, indicates a serious mental problem. No normal person would continue to obsess the way you have over a completely unsubstantiated claim from a woman who is known to be a nut job.

Please consult a psychiatrist. You need help.


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## elysium311 (May 22, 2013)

yeah apparently my husband has a thing for unstable women.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

elysium311 said:


> yeah apparently my husband has a thing for unstable women.


What is his mother like?

You have a chance to fix this. 

Get the evidence or accept that he is innocent and let it go.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

elysium311 said:


> yeah apparently my husband has a thing for unstable women.


:scratchhead:


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

elysium311 said:


> Honestly yes sometimes his attitude about the situation bothers me. When this all first happened he was shocked, was very gentle with me and said he felt terrible for me.


 So, he reacted correctly.



> But as time has gone on he does get impatient when i bring it up and angry that i still dont trust him/believe him. I guess i do need more reassurance from him about this than he's given. If i bring it up he will often just say, dont get me going, dont start, I'm not talking about this anymore. Then other times he's joked about it. He'll say oh yeah i cheated, I"m sorry honey and he makes this face like our bulldog. This ususally leads to a argument and him saying well this is how i'm going to react if you keep bringing this up.


So, being gentle didn't work, being angry didn't work, being defensive didn't work and now he uses sarcasm. He's going to run out of emotions and leave you.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I would send the ex this e-mail:

"[Name],
You say that you have proof of my husband cheating on me. If you do have proof, please reply and attach it to your reply e-mail. If you do not, please do not contact me, my husband, our colleagues, or our friends or family again. If you do attempt to contact any of the above-listed people, I will file a harrassment claim with the police department. Please respond one last time to show your understanding of these terms. Thank you."

If she responds to that e-mail without proof, then you know that she's lying. If she replies with proof, then you also have your answer. But either way she is stressing you out and messing with your head and that isn't right.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

elysium311 said:


> Part of me doesnt want to write back to her because then it looks like she got to me even though she did but she doesnt need to know that. I wish i didnt even respond to her first email..but i did. She obviously doesnt have a lot of self control. In thinking things over it really doesnt seem like my fiance would do this. Again i just cant imagine why someone would be so hateful. Ive sometimes felt upset or hurt if an ex thay dumped me is in a new relationship or gets married...sometimes it seems unfair, etc but i cant imagine doing something like this..she has caused a lot of pain.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her intent was to put a wedge between you two. You saw her emails to him, she says she has texts but no proof has been given. I think if you continue responding to her she will learn you better and you will not learn anything about her. She will get better at getting in your head. If he has not done anything wrong and you have had no suspicions then I would let it go. If she continues just let her know a restraining order is the next step. Go away!
Don't meet her. you may become a statistic.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> So, he reacted correctly.
> 
> 
> So, being gentle didn't work, being angry didn't work, being defensive didn't work and now he uses sarcasm. He's going to run out of emotions and leave you.


He did not do anything.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

elysium311 said:


> yeah apparently my husband has a thing for unstable women.


Question. Have you been diagnosed with ADHD?

I know with some people with ADHD, they can get caught in a internal logic loop and not be able to break out of it until they understand the why.

Why can't you believe your husband instead of some stranger?

Did your husband give her your name in an attempt to force her to realize he is with you (and only you)?

Just some food for thought.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Keep it up and all you'll have to obsess over is an ex-husband...

I'd be irritated if my spouse believed bat**** crazy stalker over me too.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

OP, this board is fraught with people who will jump on the "He/She cheated!!! Dump his/her ass!!!" bandwagon early on and will stay there, because, well, some folks do that. But here you have legions of some of TAM's best telling you meh, this doesn't sound like much to me. Sucks you're in the situation, but H seems to be a good guy. 

Well, you have that. You posted that you should let it go and yes, you should. If you are going to obsess about it, you may not drive your H away, but you will piss him off real good. Now, do you want that? Or do you want to let this go and get back to a close, intimate, loving relationship with the man you love?

Your choice. Make it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> He did not do anything.


If you didn't understand my post ask.
Thanks.


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