# My husband's extreme mood swings, lost job & uncertainty about the future



## lostenigma (May 30, 2011)

I joined this forum because I would like to share of my problems under the protection of anonymity, because I don't feel I can really trust anyone with anything, and because I would like to hear from other people who have been married for a while and may have something of value to say, or simply encouragement and good advice.

I am currently very unhappy in my marriage, but I don't know if it's just that the honeymoon period has passed and it's just a phase, or it's just that the marriage is not working out. I'm 28 and been married for 3 years. I love my husband and he loves me and we share similar values. My biggest problem right now is the radical changes he has undergone since we first met. When I first met him, he raised all kinds of red flags with his hateful speeches of women and marriage, so back then it was a no-brainer to me that this wasn't going to go past the first date. When I politely declined him for further dates, he became more insistent, claiming that he loves me, he's never loved anyone so much, etc. He simply wouldn't let go. I have to admit I liked his "natural" ways and expressions much more than previous preppy and "good" guys I had dated in the past, for those usually turned out bad eventually. Since this guy was the opposite (bad first impression, but genuine feeling and good actions thereafter), I decided to give him a chance. He asked me to marry him, that meeting me has proved all his past viewpoints wrong, and that he wants me to be with him forever; I said yes, grew to love him more and more as it turned out that we shared so many unconventional beliefs, and soon we were married.

One thing I noticed about him from the start was his bad temper and violent nature. I chose to ignore it. I have to admit I even liked it (most of the men I dated before were too politically correct, and I guess I was sick of that). He's hit me and I have let him take complete control. He doesn't hit very often, but he can and he does. But lately I am tired.

Another thing are his frequent and radical changes. When we first met he had just graduated from a 2-yr. college and back then he was in love with academia. Then he changed and said that making money was more important, so he fell in love with his job and with the idea of lifelong marriage. Early this year he quit his job (after 2 years) because he was tired of his manager mistreating him and not appreciating enough. Since then he's been reading so many books on war, philosophy, strategy, business, etc. Now he's turned into this revolutionary philosopher who hates the university, hates degrees, hates working for a boss, wants his own business... and spends most of his time on YouTube complaining about it. He hopes that over time he'll be able to accumulate enough subscribers to get paid on YouTube. I lost my job because of some things he said indirectly said about my colleagues (my fault for endorsing it on my own page because I was angry at my manager at the time). 

He gets very defensive and even violent when confronted; when spoken to politely, he accuses me of playing the cards all women play, of passive aggression and coercion and that it's all bs (in the beginning, all I had to do was ask and it was granted); and if spoken to in a strong tone, he claims it's rude. If I stand my ground, he gets violent; but if I catch him in the right mood, he's actually open to polite conversation and he can express his feelings. 

Though we share many views, it scares me how quickly he changes with just the turn of a page or a new book he reads or a video he watches. I have always been moderate in my views, but he goes from one extreme to the other. Lately, his whole life is watching YouTube videos about "the corrupt system" and talking about it all day. I'm unemployed now, so I don't have much of a choice. Money will run out soon.

I think it will be okay. I will find another job, and hopefully he will too. What bothers me is the uncertainty, and how I feel when I am with him. Is this normal? Have any of you experienced this before, and if so, how did you deal with it? I want a lifelong marriage, but even he admitted that "we don't know how we'll feel in the future and that's what's scary." But he swears he needs me by his side. I don't know anymore! I don't know who he is anymore, and I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel lost, and I don't want to do something I'll regret. What if I leave and later I realize I really should've stayed? He has threatened to do something violent if I leave him or cheat him (the latter which I never have and never will do), but if I stay with him out of love (which I do love him) and give him everything, I will regret it if he then decides he doesn't feel the same. Why is life so confusing?!


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

He is a manipulator and a abuser. No one falls in love after one date. Hitting you is NEVER ok. You've gotten to where you let him control things so you dontget hit as often. You need to run not walk out. Go to your family and tell them what's happened. Get a restraining order and file for divorce. If you don't ha e family find a battered womans shelter. This situation will only get worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chaffy (Apr 11, 2011)

red flags every where...get out...NOW


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

LostEnigma, you are describing many of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Whether your H's traits are so strong as to meet the diagnostic criteria for having full blown BPD is a determination only a professional can make. Yet, even when those traits fall well short of that level, they can undermine and destroy a marriage when left untreated. Further, as you've already seen, it is not difficult to spot such traits. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about traits such as verbal and physical abuse, temper tantrums, black-white thinking, lack of impulse control, lack of trust, emotional instability, and low self esteem.


lostenigma said:


> It scares me how quickly he changes with just the turn of a page or a new book he reads or a video he watches. I have always been moderate in my views, but he goes from one extreme to the other.


This flip flopping from one polar extreme to the other is called "all-or-nothing thinking" -- also called "black-white thinking." It is one hallmark of BPDers (i.e., those with strong BPD traits, regardless of whether they are above or below the diagnostic level). Because a BPDer never was able to integrate the good and bad aspects of his personality into a coherent, stable self image, he is extremely uncomfortable with having mixed feelings and seeing ambiguities. This is why he categorizes everyone (including himself) as "all good" or "all bad." Moreover, he can recategorize a person from one polar extreme to the other -- in only 10 seconds -- based solely on a minor infraction or comment. This is why your H likely has no close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away).


> My biggest problem right now is the radical changes he has undergone since we first met. ... Now he's turned into this revolutionary philosopher who hates the university, hates degrees, hates working for a boss, wants his own business...


A BPDer typically gets bored easily and quickly jumps from one interest or hobby to the other. It is not uncommon to see a BPDer suddenly changing from one religion to one that is totally different. Part of the problem is that a BPDer cannot control his emotions well, which means he experiences intense feelings so often that he gets used to that level of intensity -- and gets bored when it is missing. Another problem is that a BPDer has only a weak, unstable sense of who he is because a childhood trauma (and genetics) prevented him from developing a strong self image. He therefore has no strong sense of what he is interested in or what goals he should be pursuing.


> When I politely declined him for further dates, he became more insistent, claiming that he loves me, he's never loved anyone so much, etc. He simply wouldn't let go.


A BPDer typically "falls in love" in a few weeks. As I explain at the link provided below, this is largely due to his very weak ego, black-white thinking, and "mirroring" of the best aspects of your own personality.


> One thing I noticed about him from the start was his bad temper and violent nature.... He's hit me...


If your H has strong BPD traits, his emotional development stopped in early childhood, leaving him stuck with the primitive emotional defenses of a four year old. One of these defenses is trying to control his caregiver (you) by throwing hissy fits and temper tantrums. Another is the use of projection, wherein he blames you for every misfortune and for every bad thought crossing his mind. The other primitive defenses include denial, magical thinking, and black-white thinking.


> He gets very defensive and even violent when confronted;


A BPDer is convinced that his intense feelings constitute "facts" and reality itself. He believes that any feeling that intense absolutely MUST be true. In childhood, he never learned how to intellectually challenge those intense feelings instead of accepting them as truths. The result of his irrational acceptance of feelings is that he is frequently in the embarrassing position of being unable to point to any real-world evidence supporting his distorted views. This is why you will see a BPDer producing the most convoluted, absurd arguments -- so ridiculous that you marvel an adult is able to say such things and keep a straight face at the same time.


> even he admitted that "we don't know how we'll feel in the future and that's what's scary.


If your H is a BPDer, he is not speaking about the distant future. Most likely, he feels that way about next month or next week too. Because he lacks a strong ego and is unstable, a BPDer has little sense of what he will still enjoy doing a week from now. Lacking a strong sense of who he is, he doesn't even have "himself" to keep him company when he is alone. This is why a BPDer hates to be alone. He will seek out a woman with a strong personality who can center and ground him (and then will complain that she is always trying to "control him").


> Why is life so confusing?


If you married to a BPDer, that question is easy to answer. It is extremely confusing to live with an unstable person who alternates often between adoring you and devaluing you. Indeed, this is why -- of the 10 personality disorders -- BPD is the only one notorious for causing most of the nonBPD partners and spouses to feel like they may be going crazy. 

If this brief discussion of BPD traits sounds familiar and rings a bell, I suggest you read more so you can easily spot all nine of those traits. For a quick overview of what it is like to live with a BPDer, I suggest you read my posts in GTRR's thread. They begin at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...depressed-its-always-my-fault.html#post188319. Those posts also provide links to good BPD articles written by professionals. If you have any questions, I would be glad to try to answer them or point you to an online resource that does. Take care, LostEnigma.


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