# Men! I need help! Re: SEX



## chickie (Aug 26, 2011)

Hi guys, I hope you can help me with this one. My guy has got me stuck between a rock and a hard place, literally. 

My sweet, sexy, loving, wonderful husband has to be away from me for several months at a time due to his work. This situation is less than ideal in many ways, but we do what we have to do to pay the bills. Our relationship is very close, we are best friends as well as passionate lovers and our sex life (when he is home!) is out of this world. When he is gone we both really, really miss having sex with each other. We talk about it all the time with each other. Recently I think it became too much for the DH, because he told me he'd like me to get my satisfaction elsewhere, from another man. He told me it would make him very excited to hear about it afterward. We have done stuff with other people in the past but it was always us together and we both felt closer together after the experience as strange as that might sound. But this feels different to me. I told him that I'm not really interested in being with other people without him there. He said he understood but he kept bringing it up after that for weeks, every day, to the point that we were fighting about it. He wasn't outright pressuring me but he would bring it up, I'd very gently say no thank you, and he would get upset/embarrassed that he said it, felt rejected, and would say he'd never bring it up again, only to bring it up again the next day! After nearly 3 weeks of this I told him that we shouldn't talk about sex at all anymore. He agreed but not happily.

Not talking about sex only lasted for maybe a day or 2. That was partly my fault I'll admit. I like talking about sex! I didn't like that one topic but I told him that and he said he'd move on and get over it. Of course, he didn't though, and tonight he unexpectedly invited a friend of his over to our house with the intention that I would do something with this guy. Well, long story short, I didn't do anything with him but I was so busy trying to "flirt" with him and make something interesting happen for my hubby that I was not able to keep up a chat with my husband on the IM like he expected me to. I don't know how I am supposed to seduce a man while chatting with my husband on IM! Anyway, he thought I forgot him and now he feels awful. He says he doesn't want to ever talk about this stuff or do it again (which is fine with me and I told him that many times). But, I KNOW that tomorrow or the next day he will be bringing it up again and saying I should do it.

My question for you guys is well, #1 WTF!! Does he want me to do it or not? and #2 Why can't he just leave it alone when I told him it was not a good idea!

It seems that my saying no has just made it more enticing to him to the point where he can't stop thinking about it. And yet, at the same time, it seems like the longest most complicated Fitness Test, so maddening that even a woman could not have come up with this one. He wants me to say yes, but he doesn't really want me to. He wants me to do sex acts with other men while he is away, but he does not want me to leave him out of it. I have tried going both ways. I can see how it is a bad idea and wasn't really appealing and I can also see why he likes it and have at times been interested in doing it, for his pleasure and mine. 

I love my husband very much. I have always been faithful to him and never done things behind his back. I don't know how to tell him to leave this subject alone in a way that he will hear without hurting his feelings to the point where he doesn't trust me anymore. The other option is to just do it and wait for the fall out from that which I know is inevitable.

What should I do guys?

Thanks in advance. I really enjoy reading your guys' views on things. I've learned so much just from lingering around on here.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

maybe he is getting it on the side and feels guilty so he want you to to ease his guilt?


or mabe not.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Tell him he is not your pimp and you are not his ***** whom he can direct to f**k who ever he wants.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Just tell him the truth: you want to be with a man who is confident and strong enough that he would never want to share his woman with another man. Let him know that if he insists on playing with fire, he cannot blame you if one of these guys turns out to be the one.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> maybe he is getting it on the side and feels guilty so he want you to to ease his guilt?
> 
> 
> or mabe not.


This is the first thing I thought too.

He got some, so now he wants you to get some as well so in his mind you're "even".


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> maybe he is getting it on the side and feels guilty so he want you to to ease his guilt?
> 
> 
> or mabe not.


My first thought also!


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## chickie (Aug 26, 2011)

Thanks Ladies,

No, he's not getting any on the side. I am absolutely certain. I appreciate everyone's concern but I don't really care about the whole pimp/***** thing or whether he's a strong enough man or whether I might find "the one." My man is strong, not a pimp, and definitely "the one." I don't mean to be defensive, sorry if it sounds that way. I was just hoping some guys would chime in here to let me know what is going on in that man mind of his. I know my guy is special but his mind on this can't be that unusual.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Like others have suggested, perhaps he's cheated/cheating and trying to "level the playing field". I don't think it's normal at all for a man to encourage this (not even tolerate it, jealosy is a basic human instinct that is impossible to ignore), unless its a fetish. Either way it seems to me his reason must be pure selfishness. You have set your boundary and need to be firm about it, and enforce it. He is trying to break it down and that is not healthy for either partner in the relationship.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

chickie said:


> Thanks Ladies,
> 
> No, he's not getting any on the side. I am absolutely certain. I appreciate everyone's concern but I don't really care about the whole pimp/***** thing or whether he's a strong enough man or whether I might find "the one." My man is strong, not a pimp, and definitely "the one." I don't mean to be defensive, sorry if it sounds that way. I was just hoping some guys would chime in here to let me know what is going on in that man mind of his. I know my guy is special but his mind on this can't be that unusual.


Chickie,

Many guys do this simply because it is a fantasy. What I was trying to suggest is that the same guys often realize that it was a huge mistake once it happens. Especially if the other guy seems to make him insecure with his own masculinity. I think you were saying that he doesn't realize that he can't handle the actual thing, but how do you show him? Many of these guys become incredibly insecure if it doesn't go exactly as planned, like your situation. 

You say that you want him. But, you also say that you want him to be the type of man who would never consider this. Fact is, maybe the only thing that will make him put this to rest without you actually sleeping with another guy is to suggest that you would not be in control of every single sexual encounter. Some people are simply not wired this way. A simple 'what if?' might be enough to push him back into safe territory.

I just don't think a woman should be pushed into such a situation, especially one that usually becomes a no-win situation. Just remember that his biggest fear seems to be that you'll become more focused on the one that you are having sex with than him.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Your husband has no respect for you, your boundaries or your marriage. He is treating you as purely a sexual object, who should be there to full fill his sexual fantasies and not as a real woman, his wife, who he should love and put first.

It might not feel like it now, but over time this will change how you feel about him, in fact it's abviously all ready distressing for you. 

Involving other people in your marriage is never a good idea, it seems to all ways lead into other bigger things and corrodes the marriage.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

What Halien wrote about this got me thinking, what if it were you that was taking control of the situation. I wonder what your H would think the next time he pushed this if you told him you did it already and it was more amazing then you ever could have believed, then showed him a photo of some 6'5", muscular and well hung stud. (I'm not saying to to that - either sex with a stud or even inventing a story about it). Something that your H probably hasn't really fully thought through, that's all.

I think if he hasn't actually been unfaithful I think this is a fantasy of you H, and my trying to make this one reality he really is playing with fire.


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

Maybe you should ask if he wants to roleplay the whole thing. You can make stuff up and tell him all about it and he can get excited about it that way. You could stretch your boundaries by coming up with ideas that may or may not turn him on, and go from there. Fantasy always seems to be better than reality. You guys can use facetime or some video chat program if you have the equipment and have some sessions that way as well. Keep each other turned on from a distance and really fire it up when he gets home. 

I am of the mindset that anything agreed upon by a couple and properly communicated is ok. But, I was a science fiction reading little geek that got exposed to Heinlein early along in my reading years. 

Just make sure you keep communicating. Always make sure that your first priority is to each other. 

Yeah, I am probably going to get blasted out of the water for my comments, but so far I have been happily communicating with my wife for 20 plus years. I am always amazed at what a good conversation with my wife can do. 

I am not in any way a swinger or cheater (although I have no problem with the former and lots of problems with the latter).


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

chickie said:


> Thanks Ladies,
> 
> No, he's not getting any on the side. I am absolutely certain. I appreciate everyone's concern but I don't really care about the whole pimp/***** thing or whether he's a strong enough man or whether I might find "the one." My man is strong, not a pimp, and definitely "the one." I don't mean to be defensive, sorry if it sounds that way. I was just hoping some guys would chime in here to let me know what is going on in that man mind of his. I know my guy is special but his mind on this can't be that unusual.


Why not just make up "sex stories" to tell him? Maybe that's all he wants to hear while he's jacking himself and thinking about you having sex. Just fantasy, perhaps?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Its fantasy and should stay that way or it will spell trouble in the end. Give him the fantasy stories you think he will like. Just make them up!


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## chickie (Aug 26, 2011)

Thanks so much to those of you who took the time to think critically about the situation and give advice without jumping to the cheating/selfish/doesn't love you conclusion. You guys are right, it is a fantasy, and in my opinion there's nothing wrong with having fantasies. The problem is that sometimes when you have a very passionate personality it is easy to obsess on things and this can often cloud ones judgment. Other fantasies we have talked about in the past have actually been acted out (not ALL of them of course) and I think that it was tough for my H to not follow through with this one, he is just the kind of guy that likes to see results in the physical world! 

We actually started talking about ground rules for this whole situation and I think that is when the "what ifs" came into play and started to get to him. What if you start to like him better? What if you start to think of him when you are with me? Those are the questions that came up and pretty much the questions that finally ended it. I guess this was one of those situations where it just had to play itself out. Love those.

Guys, if it ever seems like your wife is using stall tactics on you... she is probably just waiting for you to get your head on straight and figure it out for yourself. 

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm really thankful this forum exists.


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