# Body image issue



## cadence (Dec 18, 2007)

Hi, I have been reading here for a bit and it seems like a caring community. I am hoping for advice on a problem Im haing in feeling comfortable being naked with my husband. 
I have been married 12 years we have 4 children.Throughout our marriage my husband has used porn on and off . It became an issue when he began comparing my body to the por stars and complaining about me. The problems he complained about were things like stretch marks and asking why my breats wernt as perky as the porn stars. When I told him "Ive had 4 chidren and am not 20 anymore" he would just shrug his shoulders.
I even saw my dr about my stretch marks and he said that despite and cosmetic companies claims that they can never be fixed without surgery, although they do and have faded over time....he said 'once the elastic snaps, it snaps...
So here I am in my 30+yr old post baby body which I know my husband is deeply disappointed with (even though I take good acre of myself in all the ways I can) 
We ended up in counseliing and he no longer uses porn which has made a big difference, however my issue is myself.
Although he tells me he finds me attractuve and is attentive I simply feel really self conscious being naked around him...what can I do


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well all his verbal attacks have left you feeling weak which is understandable really. But stop think of what he did say or do and think about yourself. Are you comfortable being where you are. If you are the great, If not then what would make you feel better. 

Let's face it you could have shot back at your hubby too (with the porn) unless he is a foot long, and/or has ripped abs. But the issue lies in the real world and not perfect actors for the part.

I have been battling weight for the last two years myself. After getting to 215 last september I made the choice to lose weight and tone up. I went down to 175 before calling it okay last year but rebounded to 187 by august of this year. Two months ago I decide I wanted to loss more weight again this year so I have been on a harsh diet and working out the best I can. I am proud to say I am back down to 175 but I want to be at 160 by the summer and in much better shape.

But those are my goal and you have to decide if you are comfortable with who you are. If you want to loss weight or tone up talk to our doctor and join a gym. Maybe we can start a weight loss support thread here?!?

Also if it is because you are self confident then maybe have a few talks with a therapist down the road. Some gyms have personal trainers as a part of the gym for free that can encourage you as well. 

Just remember that you are a wonderful person and you can be what you want to be. I undersand fighting weight loss because I have a metabolic disorder which makes it hard on me.

If you need we can be weight loss buddies! Offering tips and encouragement.

So what would make YOU feel better?

draconis


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## Twineball (Nov 27, 2007)

Men need to be very careful about the things they say to the women in their lives. Sometimes the positive things may not have the effect they expect, but one negative comment can scar her for a long time. Men need to be aware of what they're saying.

Along the same lines, women need to sometimes be aware that men often don't mean their comments as extreme as they're taken.


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## cadence (Dec 18, 2007)

Hi Thanks for the replies, sorry I should have said in my first post, I dont have a weight problem and fall within the healthy weight for height range...its more complaints about things outside of my constrol like stretch marks and breast sag from my four pregnancies overall I have allways felt pretty happy with myself but lately my confidence is less....I still attend my gym regularly because I love the feeling of working out..In answer to the question of what would make me feel better...I guess a husband who accepts a post baby body and doesnt expect it to be scarless ...even my dr has told him hat these changes are common after pregacy for many women and cannot be changed without cutting the skin away...it just doesnt seem to make a difference to his expectations


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well, it sounds like you are in a good position and if he has issue with scars then, it is his issue.

draconis


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

Candence,

I do appreciate your candidness. I can say that I have struggled with weightmost of my life and after four children the body is no where near what it was almost 18 years ago. However, when it comes to compliments I can honestly say I hear more from outside the home than I do inside. When you have one of those days when the hair is perfect, the make-up just looks right and you feel good about yourself, you exude attitude in a positive way and I think that trully reflects how we feel inside.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

I'm sorry but it sounds like your husband has an extremely unrealistic idea about what real women look like.

If you are not comfortable being nude in front of him, then stop doing it. There's really no reason you should change yourself to suit his idealized views . Make any changes you wish to based on how you feel about yourself, not based on whether or not he gets to see you nude, and not based on any comments. Buy comfortable loungewear and GOWNS, not those stupid little teddies and such, shun Victoria's Secret and shop for attractive lingerie for real women...meaning those size 12 and up.

Make sure the lights are off during sex or change the lights from regular white to red or start using black lights. Both of the lighting changes will hide scars!


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## riskey58 (Oct 30, 2007)

I agree scars can be terrible. But of all people your husband should except you not just for your body, but for what you are inside.


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## berlinlife06 (Dec 26, 2007)

I have to agree with the fact that if you don´t feel comfortable, you shouldn´t do it. Don´t do anything just to please someone, or just to feel degraded and unappreciated. It is a hard thing, but hopefully things will get better.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

After all of his looking at porn stars, I am surprised you let him touch you at all! He doesn't realize what a wonderful person he is married to. If it was my husband he wouldn't be getting any intimacy with me at all! He could keep using his computer for all of that!


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## debrajean (Dec 27, 2007)

cadence said:


> Hi, I have been reading here for a bit and it seems like a caring community. I am hoping for advice on a problem Im haing in feeling comfortable being naked with my husband.
> I have been married 12 years we have 4 children.Throughout our marriage my husband has used porn on and off . It became an issue when he began comparing my body to the por stars and complaining about me. The problems he complained about were things like stretch marks and asking why my breats wernt as perky as the porn stars. When I told him "Ive had 4 chidren and am not 20 anymore" he would just shrug his shoulders.
> I even saw my dr about my stretch marks and he said that despite and cosmetic companies claims that they can never be fixed without surgery, although they do and have faded over time....he said 'once the elastic snaps, it snaps...
> So here I am in my 30+yr old post baby body which I know my husband is deeply disappointed with (even though I take good acre of myself in all the ways I can)
> ...



O.K. b4 I go ahead and read everybody else's comments, I'm going to plunge right in with mine...it's not nice and placating, to tell truth, it's a harsh. Your husband is selfish and immature. He has no right to trash your body and compare you with a store-bought porn star's body. You are his wife, he needs to respect and love you for who you are. You've given him a child, your love and a home. He's not giving you anything but a bad self-image and an unattainable goal of body perfection. Take a stand and tell him he needs to take a reality check and shut off the porn and be a husband and father. Sorry, I couldn't be a little nicer, but these are the kinds of things that make women go bonkers and work their butts of trying to be something that fits a man's lofty ideals of what a woman should or should not be. How about him, is he an adonis? He needs to take look in the mirror b4 judging you.


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## riskey58 (Oct 30, 2007)

After 30 years of marriage my body has changed a lot. I am no longer thin. I am not obese but I have but on weight. And my husband has never said a word about, and loves me just the same.


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## debrajean (Dec 27, 2007)

riskey58 said:


> After 30 years of marriage my body has changed a lot. I am no longer thin. I am not obese but I have but on weight. And my husband has never said a word about, and loves me just the same.


Then this man is a definite keeper! :smthumbup: He loves his wife...for exactly who she is. Kudos!


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