# I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

So embarrassing to be here and to type this. I am such a fool for even putting two seconds of thought into this **** anymore... so why do I come here and type and why do I linger so desperately for your feedback?

I am just a lost soul and need to find my way back to the real world. 

I was hurt so much it engraved so deeply into me the hurt just wants to consume me. My husband kissed our mutual friend twice. See the first kiss was because she was getting back at her husband who hurt her. 

Then my husband approached her a few months after. Both times drunk (no excuse) after a few years I let it go sorta well we will say put more effort into facing my fear (her) so we would go to more mutual friends events knowing they were there and even got to the point of Inviting them over for bbqs at our house. 

I honestly chalked it up to ok think of this you were all 25 drank to much married to young and no respect of boundaries live and learn. 

So about 4 years maybe 3 it was new year 2016 we went to a mutual friends and I was the dad my husband drank his face off. The ball drops and we kiss and then he kissed the next friend and the next and the next boys and girls. It was All the couples and no singles it’s not like that.

But I think she was also in that line. Now I know that context is everything. So he obviously was happy with his long term friends and showing love and thanks and well drunkness. And I get that, so why am I acting like he cheated again with her?

Can someone maybe help me process this to help me bury it. Logically I know it wasn’t like that it wasn’t just her and they snuck off it was a crowd and everyone. And yes I have posted before. 

But that was pre meds and start up. I am a little more stable thank gawd. But I do think this was my major trigger and what brought me here again after all those years.

Is what he did pecking everyone cheating and is it cheating cause she was one?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So are you saying that at new years he kissed all these women on the mouth? Or just a peck on the cheek?
In light of his behaviour when drunk, it would be a good idea if he stopped getting drunk.
I would also stay away from that so called 'friend'.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tell me what you think love is? Why do you think you love him? Describe what you feel when you say you feel love for your husband?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

He kissed all the couples boys and girls. They have al been friends for 20+ years. And ya he hasn’t drank but maybe a handful of time since, and never drunk.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



dontworrybehappy said:


> He kissed all the couples boys and girls. They have al been friends for 20+ years. And ya he hasn’t drank but maybe a handful of time since, and never drunk.


What sort of kissing was it. A friendly peck or a kiss on the lips?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Tell me what you think love is? Why do you think you love him? Describe what you feel when you say you feel love for your husband?



To me love is unconditional. It’s not just saying I love this person I would give them a kidney or die for them. But then they cheat betraying you and you seeing them after all the ugliness is in light and still loving him and understanding him. I love him cause he is my best friend for real though. He is the first I want to call with any news the last I want to talk with each night. My biggest motivator. We are in sync and have the same beliefs. He also tells me when I am wrong and knows me so well. He always pushes me to love myself I mean I could go in for awhile about him.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > He kissed all the couples boys and girls. They have al been friends for 20+ years. And ya he hasn’t drank but maybe a handful of time since, and never drunk.
> ...


Just the typical peck on the lips.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

first of all you are not a fool, you are hurt, concern and upset...certainly at your husband and probably, have you sat down with your husband and talked about going to marriage counseling?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

He needs to quit drinking, and so do you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don't think you'll get any different advice this time than you did when you posted about this before. 

Counseling is your best bet.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I have done therapy. I have stopped. Abuse it gets expensive fast! 

Sometimes I just wanna slam my head against the wall to shut it up lol


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*

How much longer do you plan to beat this very dead horse?? If you cant get past it then for God's sake divorce the man!! 

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/copin...hy-do-i-still-think-about-10-years-later.html

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/428165-itt-been-decade-should-i-move-already.html

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/429513-i-need-stop-riding-crazy-train.html



This isnt even all of them! Jesus, woman, MOVE ON!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Umm. If I read your post accurately, your husband and you are partying with a woman he was fing during his infidelity???

He then gets drunk and starts kissing everyone including her????

I'm trying to picture myself in your shoes and I would have to be a ****/wimp to put up with it!

If I reconciled after my wife banged another man and he even had the nerve to show up at a social function I was attending......... Please refer to the bath house scene in the first John Wick movie to figure out what would immediately go down...

You seem to be in a toxic situation??


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S.

Your husband kissed a friend to teach her husband a lesson???

What lesson were you being taught???


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> Umm. If I read your post accurately, your husband and you are partying with a woman he was fing during his infidelity???
> 
> He then gets drunk and starts kissing everyone including her????
> 
> ...



Fist off they were not F%**# trust me if that was the case I would have burned her house down and he would have been missing body parts! 

Second I forgave cause the situation isn’t like you think. Listen I am sorry that your wife did that to you I am, but don’t poor that ugliness into someone else’s life.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> P.S.
> 
> Your husband kissed a friend to teach her husband a lesson???
> 
> What lesson were you being taught???


That it’s ok to forgive, but forgives doesn’t mean you become friends again. You can forgive and let them go.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



ConanHub said:


> Umm. If I read your post accurately, your husband and you are partying with a woman he was fing during his infidelity???
> 
> He then gets drunk and starts kissing everyone including her????
> 
> ...


CH, see her history, this was ten freaking years ago.....


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I don’t really understand your post completely; you seem to be all over the place, minus some punctuation. What I DID get out of it though is that your H kissed a friend to teach your friend’s H a lesson, then kissed her and a bunch of others years later? The former is cheating; the latter I wouldn’t call cheating, I’d just call that stupidity and extreme embarrassment. 

Someone suggested that you guys both stop drinking, and I agree with that. I also think you may want to look into counselling. 

If this has been going on for as long as people state that it has been, it really is time to do something about it, otherwise it’ll just keep going on and on and on… Talk to your H about it, go to couple’s counselling, whatever, just do something about it now before it gets to be a bigger problem.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



dontworrybehappy said:


> Fist off they were not F%**# trust me if that was the case I would have burned her house down and he would have been missing body parts!
> 
> Second I forgave cause the situation isn’t like you think. Listen I am sorry that your wife did that to you I am, but don’t poor that ugliness into someone else’s life.


1, I'm just going off of the confusing and hard to read information you originally posted.

2, Mrs. Conan has way too much class and integrity as well as devotion to our marriage to play dumb ass games like are going on with your husband.

3, I now believe you to be emotionally and possibly mentally unwell.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I understand that you are upset. Your husband needs to understand that he cannot be kissing adults other than you (and a close family member like his mother). Not at all. Not a peck on the cheek or the lips, nothing. He should not drink too much, but if he does, when it becomes apparent that he has had too much, you two go home immediately. These need to be foundational principles so this kind of thing never happens again.

I find it disturbing that your husband would kiss this woman not once, but three times when he knows it is pretty much driving you insane. What is wrong with him? Have you asked him that?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> I understand that you are upset. Your husband needs to understand that he cannot be kissing adults other than you (and a close family member like his mother). Not at all. Not a peck on the cheek or the lips, nothing. He should not drink too much, but if he does, when it becomes apparent that he has had too much, you two go home immediately. These need to be foundational principles so this kind of thing never happens again.
> 
> I find it disturbing that your husband would kiss this woman not once, but three times when he knows it is pretty much driving you insane. What is wrong with him? Have you asked him that?


Ya I had a conversation with him about it. He is like I know what you are saying and that would be rude and disrespectful. I am not sure for sure I did. But I do respect you. If it happened I was an idiot going down a line of people and didn’t think like that. It want anything than what it was. And I agree I think context is everything. But he hasn’t drank like that since. It’s very nice. I also told him we are done now more parties no more hanging out I am done with them period. And he is on page with that l. He also pointed out that I am the one that pushed to do placed where they were not him. Well expect this party then he was an idiot. But no I don’t think he is like chasing this damn girl. Maybe he just isn’t that smart and thinks before doing ****.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > Fist off they were not F%**# trust me if that was the case I would have burned her house down and he would have been missing body parts!
> ...



I know I get these rushed of feelings and when I type it’s like I can’t type as fast as all the information flooding my head... 

And your right some people are classy some men not so much. Maybe I just need to get the fu*# over this dumb **** and chalk it up as dumb ****. 

And if I have mental issues I don’t know what to do cause I am already on meds....


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Ursula said:


> I don’t really understand your post completely; you seem to be all over the place, minus some punctuation. What I DID get out of it though is that your H kissed a friend to teach your friend’s H a lesson, then kissed her and a bunch of others years later? The former is cheating; the latter I wouldn’t call cheating, I’d just call that stupidity and extreme embarrassment.
> 
> Someone suggested that you guys both stop drinking, and I agree with that. I also think you may want to look into counselling.
> 
> If this has been going on for as long as people state that it has been, it really is time to do something about it, otherwise it’ll just keep going on and on and on… Talk to your H about it, go to couple’s counselling, whatever, just do something about it now before it gets to be a bigger problem.



You nailed it I am embarrassed he embarrassed me. Maybe I am more worried what she is thinking... I dunno I have no clue what is wrong with me anymore maybe I should just leave him so he had a better life than dealing with me. 😔


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



dontworrybehappy said:


> I know I get these rushed of feelings and when I type it’s like I can’t type as fast as all the information flooding my head...
> 
> And your right some people are classy some men not so much. Maybe I just need to get the fu*# over this dumb **** and chalk it up as dumb ****.
> 
> And if I have mental issues I don’t know what to do cause I am already on meds....


I'll tell you what to do. Slow down. Pay attention to what you are doing while you are doing it. Get out of your head and into the world. You are living in your head and not focused on what is actually going on around you and on what you are doing. I can barely make out what you are posting, so I'm not going to continue reading this thread, but I'm posting this because I think it will help you understand what the problem is that you are having so you can work on resolving it. Pay attention to what you are doing while you are doing it. That is the bottom line.
You might also be interested in reading a book called, _Switch on Your Brain_, by Dr. Caroline Leaf. It is written from a Christian perspective, but even if you're not a Christian there is plenty of interesting information on how to get your thoughts in order and be more productive and happy. https://www.amazon.com/Switch-Your-...353&s=gateway&sprefix=Dr.+Caro,aps,213&sr=8-1


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



dontworrybehappy said:


> You nailed it I am embarrassed he embarrassed me. Maybe I am more worried what she is thinking... I dunno I have no clue what is wrong with me anymore* maybe I should just leave him so he had a better life than dealing with me.* 😔


*YES!!! I keep telling you this!! * 

You are not capable of letting it go, so -move on -move on -move on.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



dontworrybehappy said:


> Just the typical peck on the lips.


Wow so he kissed all the men and women on the lips???
Neither of us would ever kiss anyone on the lips except each other. 

It sounds as if he has stopped drinking and that you have stopped mixing with her, so that is positive.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



dontworrybehappy said:


> I know I get these rushed of feelings and when I type it’s like I can’t type as fast as all the information flooding my head...
> 
> And your right some people are classy some men not so much. Maybe I just need to get the fu*# over this dumb **** and chalk it up as dumb ****.
> 
> And if I have mental issues I don’t know what to do cause I am already on meds....


Honey, listen to Cynthia. I'm a hard hitting heavy and you probably need some help that is firm but not harsh like I deal out.

You do seem obsessive and anxious. Working on personal development, physical goals as well as others, might help you focus better on important aspects of your life instead of placing your self worth on your husband and his behavior.

P.S. If your husband tried to teach me a lesson by kissing my wife, he would be paying an orthodontist for dentures.

What crazy ass games do the folks you hang with play?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



Diana7 said:


> Wow so he kissed all the men and women on the lips???
> Neither of us would ever kiss anyone on the lips except each other.
> 
> It sounds as if he has stopped drinking and that you have stopped mixing with her, so that is positive.


Peck on the lips. My whole family does this. It's similar to French cheek kissing.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



CynthiaDe said:


> I'll tell you what to do. Slow down. Pay attention to what you are doing while you are doing it. Get out of your head and into the world. You are living in your head and not focused on what is actually going on around you and on what you are doing. I can barely make out what you are posting, so I'm not going to continue reading this thread, but I'm posting this because I think it will help you understand what the problem is that you are having so you can work on resolving it. Pay attention to what you are doing while you are doing it. That is the bottom line.
> You might also be interested in reading a book called, _Switch on Your Brain_, by Dr. Caroline Leaf. It is written from a Christian perspective, but even if you're not a Christian there is plenty of interesting information on how to get your thoughts in order and be more productive and happy. https://www.amazon.com/Switch-Your-...353&s=gateway&sprefix=Dr.+Caro,aps,213&sr=8-1


^^^ This. Listen to this advice because it’s really good. Like Cynthia, I can barely make out what you’re trying to say, and am not even sure if English is your first language. Just slow down.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > Just the typical peck on the lips.
> ...


. 

The pecking thing and others doesn’t bother me. It bothers me that she was one. I don’t hold much in a kiss like that and tons of people do that it’s not sexual to me.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

^^^ This. Listen to this advice because it’s really good. Like Cynthia, I can barely make out what you’re trying to say, and am not even sure if English is your first language. Just slow down.[/QUOTE]

This makes me laugh. Yes it is, I wrote this upset and fast and bumbled I apologize.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > I know I get these rushed of feelings and when I type it’s like I can’t type as fast as all the information flooding my head...
> ...


I know and I appreciate it I really do like to the point. get over it attitude it helps me. I know he is a good person and I know he didn’t stalk her out to get the kiss in. It wasn’t like that. But I just feel bad. 

And trust me her husband is a major POS he hits on everyone he cheated on her with their sister in law. And New Years this party he kissed me with an open mouth... he is sick and makes me sick.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*

To


dontworrybehappy said:


> I know and I appreciate it I really do like to the point. get over it attitude it helps me. I know he is a good person and I know he didn’t stalk her out to get the kiss in. It wasn’t like that. But I just feel bad.
> 
> And trust me her husband is a major POS he hits on everyone he cheated on her with their sister in law. And New Years this party he kissed me with an open mouth... he is sick and makes me sick.


Then you and your husband toss her and her POS husband to the curb. Why do you continue with that company if you can't stand her and much less her husband? I don't get it. 10 years obsessing over this dysfunctional woman because she got your husband to foolishly kiss her more than once in order to make a cheating husband feel jealous. She is a piece of work. 

Never go near that woman or her husband again. Your husband should not have had any contact with her what so ever after being the fool he used to get her husband jealous. Have some dignity. Don't allow her any room in your lives and much less in your head.

This will be harsh, but you are not a reflection of your husband. He is a fool. You decided to stay with this man that does foolish things. You staying with him is a reflection of you because this is your choice to his past foolish behavior. So you forgave the foolish behavior? It doesn't look like you have at all. It keeps bugging you and you have no peace. 

You have the issue not him. You want to blame him, but he didn't put a gun to your head to forgive his foolishness. You did this yourself based on a belief system you don't truly follow because you have not forgiven him at all. You can't let it go! 

You should leave him if you can't get past the betrayal 10 years ago. It was a betrayal for sure!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why is everyone coddling and enabling her?? All this is doing is encouraging her to stay in this ridiculous situation that she refuses to let go of! TEN YEARS is freaking long to STILL be stuck not moving forward!


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



dontworrybehappy said:


> Fist off they were not F%**# trust me if that was the case I would have burned her house down and he would have been missing body parts!
> 
> Second I forgave cause the situation isn’t like you think. Listen I am sorry that your wife did that to you I am, but don’t poor that ugliness into someone else’s life.


It is "pour", not "poor".

How many drinks have you had tonight? 

:|


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



NobodySpecial said:


> Peck on the lips. My whole family does this. It's similar to French cheek kissing.


For its for each other only and very different from cheek kissing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



dontworrybehappy said:


> .
> 
> The pecking thing and others doesn’t bother me. It bothers me that she was one. I don’t hold much in a kiss like that and tons of people do that it’s not sexual to me.


Really? I have never met anyone who goes round kissing other people on the lips. Apart from their partners.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



dontworrybehappy said:


> I know and I appreciate it I really do like to the point. get over it attitude it helps me. I know he is a good person and I know he didn’t stalk her out to get the kiss in. It wasn’t like that. But I just feel bad.
> 
> And trust me her husband is a major POS he hits on everyone he cheated on her with their sister in law. And New Years this party he kissed me with an open mouth... he is sick and makes me sick.


Okay so he kissed someone, and now you kissed someone, with an open mouth.

So now you two are even.

Right, right?

:surprise:

Why are you still hanging with all these people???


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



FieryHairedLady said:


> It is "pour", not "poor".
> 
> How many drinks have you had tonight?
> 
> :|


I was actually wondering the same thing. Either that, or English isn't her mother-tongue.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



Ursula said:


> I was actually wondering the same thing. Either that, or English isn't her mother-tongue.


This whole thread is just a train wreck with the grammar, sentence structure, and spelling. Not everyone is great at that though, true. But in addition to all that, the fact that she has started several, several threads about this. It just points to her drinking, and reliving the sad situations from the past.

As a fellow human being, I feel for her. As another woman, yeah we do get emotional. But I do think she should keep it to one thread. 

She is really hurting over this and yes that is sad. 

But I think part of the problem is this couples partying, drinking, lack of boundaries and respect for each other.

Something needs to give.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Sweetie,

This is the same item as you've been stewing about. And it happened years and years ago.

Every few months you bring it up again, with a little different format. 

With encouragement to you and great respect and compassion - you've got to let this go, knowing your husband loves you.

Or, leave him if for some way unknown reason you can never let it go.

From October's thread; if you don't choose to let this slip quietly but firmly into a closed history box it will consume you, eat you up inside.

To no one's benefit.

The options are:

Let it go, let it fester inside ruining your marriage, or leave your husband.

Seek peace. Let it go. 

Don't let another worry take its place.

Write yourself a letter reminding you of your choice, say, of knowing the peace you found when you didn't obsess on this, to remind you the next time it creeps up in your mind.

Be at peace. 

Best wishes, 

RR


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



Diana7 said:


> For its for each other only and very different from cheek kissing.


I think it is whatever the individuals THINK it is. In this case, it is what OP and her husband think it is. Getting on the same page regarding that is really the thing.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Omg you guys! I am on my phone not a computer and it auto corrects me. Poor and pour got it. Wtf! And don’t sit and judge me and tell me to leave when we are all here for a reason. Some the same. 

And yes people do kiss on the lips as a social greeting, that’s not weird at all? It weird to me that some of you haven’t done that? 

And do you know how stupid I would be to end a 15 year marriage and break my family up over a peck? And the only reason I say that is cause I have two kids with him. I can’t do that to my kids... 

We are all human and I would love to be talked to the way I have with you guys . I do not go on your threads and tell you what idiots you all are for staying or leaving a marriage. Or correct grammar when you are clearly not in your right state. This is what is wrong with people this day and age their is no love, compassion or grace anymore. Just a bunch of cruel burned people who want others to feel the way they do. 

I am sorry for reaching out here.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

I didn't tell you to leave him, I said to keep the venting to one thread. 

I don't really care about your grammar, I was making a point. 

You need to put down the bottle. 

People here are trying to give you advice, but it is the same thing, over and over again. You never take the advice, you still haven't resolved this. People do get irritated. 

Take it or leave it, but whatever you do, DO NOT Start ANOTHER THREAD!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

dontworrybehappy said:


> *And do you know how stupid I would be to end a 15 year marriage and break my family up over a peck?* And the only reason I say that is cause I have two kids with him. I can’t do that to my kids...


Seriously?? YOU are the one still hung up about it, clinging onto it and not letting it go after TEN FREAKING YEARS, and now suddenly its "just a peck???" Unbelievable! 

Complaining over and over and over about the same thing doesnt make it go away, doesnt improve it or change it. Crap or get off the pot, already. Your H deserves some peace at this point.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@dontworrybehappy, don’t be sorry for reaching out here; you’ve gotten some great advice on this issue over the years. But, it’s time to make a decision: stay and forgive or leave. Or go with your H to couple’s counselling so that you can get over this issue and forgive him. People don’t forgive because the other person deserves it; they forgive because they themselves deserve to be free. Also, forgiving isn’t the same as forgetting.

As to the grammar: it’s bad, I’m sorry. It has taken me numerous tries to get through some of your sentences, and after that, I still have to guess at what you mean. I’ve typed on my phone before too, and yes, typos happen. Maybe give a quick proof before hitting send?

If you’re used to people kissing on the lips at social gatherings, and it isn’t weird at all to you, then it’s a moot point and shouldn’t have been mentioned in the first place. If she was one of the group, he probably included her because others would think it was weird of him not to smooch her when he was smooching everyone else.

I don’t think anyone said that you’re an idiot for staying/leaving your marriage. I think the point that we’re all trying to make is that it’s been going on for years, and now it’s time for something to be done. Whether you stay and seek help with or without your husband, or whether you leave, or you guys do a trial separation. We’ve all been through crap, and we’ve each taken our own steps to either correct things, make amends, or fly solo.

I’m sorry that you’re still hurting; holding onto something for so long takes it’s toll on a person. I wish you peace and happiness.


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## Lakesparrow (Mar 17, 2019)

Essentially you can't let go of what he did. So, to protect you from triggering events like being around the woman he kissed, you guys have to totally not be around her. He screwed up, he broke a vase that can't be glued back together and that's that. After my husband's affair I realized that I couldn't manage if he hung out in the same crowd who hid it from me. He had a choice, poker with the delusional scum bags or me. Hanging out after work w the coworker whose sister he was with, at the coworkers house, or me. I didn't care what he chose I just couldn't work through it unless she was never ever ever near me ever. This is called no contact. And it sounds like your cheater radar goes off every time he's near her, which makes you insane. So...your choice. go insane with something no reasonable person would expect you to manage....your rational easily explained trigger, or re evaluate and reinvent your social life. Don't let anybody gaslight you. You're not being irrational. your responding to negative stimuli your husband introduced into your life.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I think that I am more hurt by respect than the peck. I don’t think a peck is cheating and I think that he was just going in line with everyone. It wasn’t just me and her. So I don’t think he was being melevalant.. I think that’s how you spell that. But I am the fool for even pushing or agreeing to be around them. I should have cut her out years ago. I honestly just was being civil cause of the group of friends. But as I have grown I know that you don’t have to do that. You can still be civil still forgive and cut them out of your life. 
I don’t think that what happened years ago was anything other than stupidity. Still cheating, but nothing to sever to call a marriage and family to be over. I just wanted your opinions on of you spouse was in my situation and something like this happened 8 years after the first incident. Would you forgive? I mean is this something I just have a conversation about stating no more you need boundaries: and no more hanging out with them. We are done!


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

This doesn’t really seem to be about a kiss because kissing isn’t really a problem in your group. 

He either must really have the hots for this woman if he was willing to kiss a bunch of men and women just so he could get the chance to kiss her too. Or it could be he thinks what he did years ago is no big deal. 

Either way the reason you are still upset is because your husband doesn’t respect your fear/anxiety/jealousy enough to stay away from the triggers (in your case showing affection to this particular woman). 

Not sure you can make him see without throwing a bit fit. You can’t make someone respect you.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

pbj2016 said:


> This doesn’t really seem to be about a kiss because kissing isn’t really a problem in your group.
> 
> He either must really have the hots for this woman if he was willing to kiss a bunch of men and women just so he could get the chance to kiss her too. Or it could be he thinks what he did years ago is no big deal.
> 
> ...


I don’t think he has the hits for her. If he did he would have wanted to always hang out and didn’t. And honestly nobody puts that much thought into kissing everyone just to kiss one. Ya know what I mean? 

I think that he never thought what he did as a big deal. I think he thought it wouldn’t have been as devastating as it’s been. But yes your right my anxiety and jealousy gets the best of me. But we haven’t seen them in 4 years now and it’s been amazing! I think that we finally are growing up. Especially him. Now that he is 37 lol


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

*Re: I love my husband so much so why can’t I stop.*



dontworrybehappy said:


> To me love is unconditional. It’s not just saying I love this person I would give them a kidney or die for them. But then they cheat betraying you and you seeing them after all the ugliness is in light and still loving him and understanding him. I love him cause he is my best friend for real though. He is the first I want to call with any news the last I want to talk with each night. My biggest motivator. We are in sync and have the same beliefs. He also tells me when I am wrong and knows me so well. He always pushes me to love myself I mean I could go in for awhile about him.


I do not agree with the concept of love being unconditional when talking about spouses. I agree when talking about our children. 

Spouses operate under a well defined code of practice which must be well known by both because each couple have their own take on what their code is. Love without reciprocation is a little bit pointless unless it is on your child or parent. So the code of practice defines the conditions. Love in my mind is not incidental. It is a decision I made to partner with my spouses emotionally, mentally and physically based on conditions of our relational environment. 

If I stray, I will not wait for him to forgive me, whether he wants to or not. I will seek to terminate our relationship because I have broken the code. After that, I will seek to make a new decision to commit to someone else if that is what I seek to do. I will not go into a new relationship unless I have finished with this one emotionally, mentally and Physically. 

So My view is love is within the bounds of a relationship code of practice, ie CONDITIONAL.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I do not agree with the concept of love being unconditional when talking about spouses. I agree when talking about our children. 

Spouses operate under a well defined code of practice which must be well known by both because each couple have their own take on what their code is. Love without reciprocation is a little bit pointless unless it is on your child or parent. So the code of practice defines the conditions. Love in my mind is not incidental. It is a decision I made to partner with my spouses emotionally, mentally and physically based on conditions of our relational environment. 

If I stray, I will not wait for him to forgive me, whether he wants to or not. I will seek to terminate our relationship because I have broken the code. After that, I will seek to make a new decision to commit to someone else if that is what I seek to do. I will not go into a new relationship unless I have finished with this one emotionally, mentally and Physically. 

So My view is love is within the bounds of a relationship code of practice, ie CONDITIONAL.[/QUOTE]


Ya I guess we all have our own take. For me he is the father of my babies and I will always live him. And yes it’s been so long it’s unconditional. I couldn’t feel like a contract love ya know.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > To me love is unconditional. It’s not just saying I love this person I would give them a kidney or die for them. But then they cheat betraying you and you seeing them after all the ugliness is in light and still loving him and understanding him. I love him cause he is my best friend for real though. He is the first I want to call with any news the last I want to talk with each night. My biggest motivator. We are in sync and have the same beliefs. He also tells me when I am wrong and knows me so well. He always pushes me to love myself I mean I could go in for awhile about him.
> ...


Yes


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

We all love differently.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

hmmmmm. 
A LOT of people change personality when they get drunk. Back in college, we would actually get people drunk to make sure they would NOT turn into complete aholes, before letting them into the fraternity. Some can just not handle it.

He needs to figure out a way of getting some emotional release WITHOUT getting drunk. Not sure how you can help him to see that.

Does he exercise a lot...try to build muscle? If so that might be a good way, because a real bender...you feel it for a couple days afterward in the gym, and realize what it is doing to your body. Maybe get him to join a gym, talk to a trainer?

You can always talk him into going to an AA meeting. Even if he just goes to one meeting, sees all the people there who can not control their drinking, and the horrible things that caused in their lives, might be a real eye opener for him.

Maybe just do a lot of communicating with him? Maybe he has pent up issues, and drinks to free himself of worrying about them?


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