# Frustrated with wife's lack of interest in sex



## thewiltern2008 (May 30, 2013)

Married almost 10 years and sex life has dwindled down to 1X/month. Pretty frustrated, even after addressing with wife on a few ocassions. Masturbation has been my source of relief as a result. 

My wife is ok with me watching porn and even ok with me masturbating in front of her. However, my frustration is growing day by day with her showing zero interest in getting involved in the act.

Would like to hear from others who are in a similar situation and what have you done to cope? What do you do for sexual relief? Other thoughts?


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

How old are you two? Kids? What does your wife say when you bring up the subject? Why is she showing no interest? Once a month is pretty poor after 10 years...


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Read or listen to “The Dead Bedroom Fix” by DSO. You can get it on Amazon.

That will give you a launching off point as a man to see if you’re doing unattractive things.

Next I would check out any of the other references he recommends depending on your specific problem(s).


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What are your wife's wants and needs from the relationship?

How well do you fulfill them?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

It would be helpful to know how she responds when you address it. Does she have common complaints that might give you some insight? Is her lack of interest in sex, the sex or sex with you? _(not implying anything but there is a difference). _


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, what does your wife complain about in the relationship? What did she used to complain about but doesn't anymore? 

How much quality time are you two spending alone together doing fun, date-like, things?


----------



## thewiltern2008 (May 30, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> How old are you two? Kids? What does your wife say when you bring up the subject? Why is she showing no interest? Once a month is pretty poor after 10 years...


Kids are 5 yrs old and we are in our 40's. Like me, she is exhausted most of the time, I understand that. But how hard is it really to take even just 10-15 minutes a few times/week for sex?


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

thewiltern2008 said:


> My wife is ok with me watching porn and even ok with me masturbating in front of her. However, my frustration is growing day by day with her showing zero interest in getting involved in the act.


Generally speaking when it comes to erotic media, women tend to prefer romance novels (Twilight Series) and men prefer porn (101 Big Butts). The striking difference between the two is the nature of how "context" relates to the sexual desire is derived. Many women simply can't allow themselves any sexual pleasure without at least some meaningful context (even when it is just a fantasy). 

At the same time women are subject to extreme pressures when it comes to their own self image and confidence. They are taught that beauty fades and that getting old is often associated with letting yourself go. 

So if you combine the two things above, what exactly is the sexual context that you are sharing with your wife? Perhaps you make her feel like your masturbatory aid and that you would easily choose someone else if they were available (thus you getting aroused by younger women in porn). 

In contrast you should be helping your wife with her self image and self esteem and help her attribute the reasons that you love her as your wife and find her attractive. Add context by nurturing the friendship between you and your wife. Be emotionally present and make it a point to find out why she has no/little desire. Work on facilitating extra nonsexual intimacy as your primary means to be close to her (some women avoid that because it leads to sex too fast and they just want to be held unconditionally). 

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

thewiltern2008 said:


> Kids are 5 yrs old and we are in our 40's. * Like me, she is exhausted most of the time,* I understand that. But how hard is it really to take even just 10-15 minutes a few times/week for sex?


This is what my wife told me when we were in a sex starved marriage. However, it wasn't the whole truth.

The issue is that she didn't prioritize our relationship very high, she had body self-image issues she had to confront each time she took off most of her clothes so we could make love.........and she was angry with me. In short she excused the lack of sex for being tired and exhausted from her job. If my wife hadn't agreed to go with me to see a Sex Therapist, I would have suggested she move out of the house during weekdays to an apartment very close to where she worked, so she would have a couple extra hours of day to use for rest and relaxation. With that extra free time and reduced driving stress, she could invite me over once a week for a conjugal visit and them come home for the weekend. It never came to that, but that was a step I was considering. It would have forced her to confront whether it really was exhaustion or something else.

My suggestion is to figure out ways to explore if it is really just that she is exhausted. As MW Davis likes to suggest doing 180's is great way to see if she means what she is telling you. After sitting down with her and having an open conversation (no covert contracts as Glover would say in NMMNG) can you say you would like to run a limited experiment (say of maybe 2 months duration). Go over things the two of you could do like bring in a cleaning service once every two weeks, can you do certain things for her or pay for things (like a massage for her, spa time, etc.) that will provide her with the rest, she claims is a reason for not wanting to have sex with you? In your discussion and explicit about what she feels is the most exhausting things she faces, then figure out ways to deal with some and give it a couple months. 

Good luck. Based on my experience, I will wager that her exhaustion is only a small "part of the problem."

Good luck, it does get better when children are old enough to go to school for part of the day. That may be part of the problem with a 5 year old, especially during a pandemic.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Rowan said:


> What did she used to complain about but doesn't anymore?


That one sentence can mean a lot.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> That one sentence can mean a lot.


Which is exactly why I asked the question. 😉


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Rowan said:


> Which is exactly why I asked the question. 😉


Actually I was unclear .... I mean you may have hit the nail on the head !!! I could see how that would go ... why complain anymore. Like beating her head on the wall. I bet a lot of women go through that.


----------



## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Great post, @badsanta.

As a mother of four kids (grown now, thank heaven), I know exhaustion. It never stopped me from regularly having sex with my husband. You need to find out why she isn't interested.

She might need some "me time" to take care of herself and feel attractive. She might also need some couple time with no kids, such as a date with her husband. Maybe the sex is too boring and routine. It happens, especially when rushed because - kids.

It could be a whole lot of things. Ask her and then really listen.

Quit with the porn even if she claims to be cool with it, and masturbate in private instead of trying to make her feel bad about it.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If I had been groped, grabbed, poked, and prodded by young kids all day I would not want to be touched at the end of the day. I would want a bath and silence. Then I would have nightmares about it starting all over again in the morning. I’m sexually motivated but that would kill my drive.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

theloveofmylife said:


> Quit with the porn even if she claims to be cool with it, and *masturbate in private instead of trying to make her feel bad about it.*


That is a good point for the OP. If his wife is struggling with feeling inadequate as if she will never be enough and that he might just be using her.... self pleasuring in front of her could be perceived as a passive aggressive act. As in, "I'll just do it myself since you are not adequate for me!" 

She could also have negative views on self pleasure and feel that those type of things should be kept private. In that sense it is better to be discrete. A completely separate issue is communication on the topic. If she has questions you should not feel ashamed and be able to openly answer thing honestly. You should NOT however shove the topic in her face as if to blame her for what she may feel is inappropriate behavior. 

What exactly does she say about herself when it comes to the topic of her self pleasure? Don't answer that! But just reflect on her answer to that because odds are that is how she would want for you to behave in the marriage. So if she refuses to talk about that with you, then she would want you to be private about it as well. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

thewiltern2008 said:


> how hard is it really to take even just 10-15 minutes a few times/week for sex?


She is likely asking herself the same thing about something she needs from you that seems rather basic. 

Generally speaking some wives simply need a husband that is a good listener to help her unload, unwind and let go of the stress from the day. For you this will likely feel stressful and annoying, but that simply means you are getting close to her because perhaps that is how her day has been and how she feels after a carton of yogurt fell out of the refrigerator and splattered all over the kitchen cabinets just after she realized that there are no more eggs for the recipe that is 90% finished and ready to go in the oven (she ran to the store for the eggs not realizing that there was also no aluminum foil to cover the dish once it was ready for the oven). 

I once told my wife to not complain about anything at the end of the day because I needed to unwind and relax myself. That did not go over well and years later I realized I was horribly wrong by telling her that as it made her feel like I didn't care about her day.


----------



## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I think the first thing people need to do in these situations is try to find out if in fact their partner is really not into sex......or just not into sex _with them_......

One you can potentially "fix"....The other is pretty much the end of the story...


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

thewiltern2008 said:


> Kids are 5 yrs old and we are in our 40's. Like me, she is exhausted most of the time, I understand that. But how hard is it really to take even just 10-15 minutes a few times/week for sex?


Also read NMMNG and MMSLP. Make sure you are being the captain of your ship. Do not just defer to the wife. Deal with problems or kids or what ever. Do not ask her all the time what you should do. You are making her captain.

When my kids were younger, sex was every 7-10 days. I was hurt and felt unwanted. I realized i was a nice beta male that always deferred to my wife. I was kid #3 in her eyes that she had to always tell what to do.

I changed alot! I am the Captain now. She had push back at first and was sh!t testing me to see if i was safe....was it real....blew that out of the water. Remember once we were doing something that could result in injury. She said she would do it. I told her sternly that she was not. She said she was. I said the hell you are, ill spank that azz. She turned and walked away but i caught that big smile she had as she turned to leave. Daddy put his foot down and it turned her on.

Put your pants on and be the man. Take care of business. Been married 25 yrs and our sex life is basically daily and 2x many days. She initiates most times now. She said she is addicted to my body and wants me all the time. We also now sleep in the buff so when we go to bed it usually on like Donkey Kong.

Also when i wake her up in the morning, i have her coffee and wake her up with a gentle body carresses and kisses. Foreplay starts when i wake her up. I keep stoking the fire all day from work. It went from her feeling like she had a 3rd kid to now she calls me Daddy😏😜


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

badsanta said:


> In contrast you should be helping your wife with her self image and self esteem and help her attribute the reasons that you love her as your wife and find her attractive.


Doesn't work. It just doesn't. Whatever the reason of her body image problem, the resolution to solve it must come from inside. This is a very complex mechanism. My wife for example, quoted her body image as one of a reason not to have sex with me any more. She said: "maybe when I lose the weight". She was - and still is - prepared to sacrifice our marriage because she can't face her ghosts. In my opinion, the OP's marriage is doomed. I know it sounds harsh, but sometimes there is no way back.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hamadryad said:


> I think the first thing people need to do in these situations is try to find out if in fact their partner is really not into sex......or just not into sex _with them_......
> 
> One you can potentially "fix"....The other is pretty much the end of the story...


I've seen this reply in one format or another on TAM at least 1000 times. If at one point they were into each other sexually, then it is either A) the relationship was founded on a rebound that has played itself out or B) they are refusing to address problems in the relationship constructively and allowing resentment to build. 

The only time your comment applies is when there was never any chemistry to begin with early in the relationship. As in we decided to wait until after getting married to have sex. Now that we are married we are still not having sex.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Go get some chocolate edibles for her. I think that'll work and get her in the mood.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Doesn't work. It just doesn't. Whatever the reason of her body image problem, the resolution to solve it must come from inside. This is a very complex mechanism. My wife for example, quoted her body image as one of a reason not to have sex with me any more. She said: "maybe when I lose the weight". She was - and still is - prepared to sacrifice our marriage because she can't face her ghosts. In my opinion, the OP's marriage is doomed. I know it sounds harsh, but sometimes there is no way back.


I think you are correct in that if the OP's wife is struggling with her self image that the solution has to come from within. In the meantime it is probably not helpful for him to watch porn and masturbate in front of her. That type of behavior tends to validate feelings of low self esteem of just being used for sex.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

badsanta said:


> I've seen this reply in one format or another on TAM at least 1000 times. If at one point they were into each other sexually, then it is either A) the relationship was founded on a rebound that has played itself out or B) they are refusing to address problems in the relationship constructively and allowing resentment to build.
> 
> The only time your comment applies is when there was never any chemistry to begin with early in the relationship. As in we decided to wait until after getting married to have sex. Now that we are married we are still not having sex.


Your attempt to further pigeonhole an incorrect A or B scenario into another A or B scenario is much the same.

There are a multitude of reasons for loss of attraction.

Let's not forget that it is entirely possible that there may not have been much attraction to begin with. How many threads have we read on this site where someone says they hoped the attraction would build because it was the type of person they were 'supposed to be with'?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@thewiltern2008 we can speculate until the cows come home. Without you actually filling in more of the blanks, all of us are just spitballing and/or speaking in generalities. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Your attempt to further pigeonhole an incorrect A or B scenario into another A or B scenario is much the same.
> 
> There are a multitude of reasons for loss of attraction.
> 
> ...


You are correct. The OP needs to realize that loss of attraction/desire is a very dynamic situation. 

Ellegirl once posted that "resentment" as one of the primary causes for women to lose desire in a relationship. I think that is very true and is probably the best place to start. I'm always amazed at how low self confidence is manifested as well in a wild variety of ways (most often a person with low self confidence thinking that something is wrong with his/her partner and that a doctor's appointment is needed).


----------



## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

farsidejunky said:


> Your attempt to further pigeonhole an incorrect A or B scenario into another A or B scenario is much the same.
> 
> There are a multitude of reasons for loss of attraction.
> 
> ...


Yep...absolutely....

This thinking that "they had sex before, so they should be able to have sex forever" is just absolutely ludicrous...

Women are notorious for deliberately picking guys, not for attraction/sexual chemistry, but for other reasons like security, loneliness, boredom, ego boost, whatever...They get by in the beginning because they like all the attention, gifts, whatever, only to be left pining for someone that is nothing like the one she picked....so then comes the bait and switch and the guy is left holding the bag(or usually his pecker)...

Guys do it too, although maybe not to the same level...Some guys that didn't/don't have much experience with sex/women will wind up latching onto the first one that he manages to find...

In a lot of these cases, the sex falls apart after time.....and nothing ever is gonna make it come back...


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> Yep...absolutely....
> 
> This thinking that "they had sex before, so they should be able to have sex forever" is just absolutely ludicrous...
> 
> ...



Yes and no. 

Oftentimes women are sexually attracted their husbands in the beginning. Then over time the husband let’s himself go and starts acting/being less attractive and more unattractive. The wife starts to question if he’s really her best option and loses attraction and loses interest in sex (with him). Seeing this dynamic unfold, the husband starts acting needy, weak and often more compliant; which tanks the wife’s attraction even more. There are usually (but not always) ways to fix this spiral of disaster, and it’s within the husbands control. 

And sometimes women do pick men that they’re not really sexually attracted to for other reasons. That is almost always a doomed situation unless the husband can seriously boost his attractiveness, get steadfast and strong. And even then, tough road if you’re starting from that point.


----------



## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> If I had been groped, grabbed, poked, and prodded by young kids all day I would not want to be touched at the end of the day. I would want a bath and silence. Then I would have nightmares about it starting all over again in the morning. I’m sexually motivated but that would kill my drive.


kids are 5. I have a 5 yr. old, he's not groping, grabbing or poking. He's playing games on the intner


thewiltern2008 said:


> Married almost 10 years and sex life has dwindled down to 1X/month. Pretty frustrated, even after addressing with wife on a few ocassions. Masturbation has been my source of relief as a result.
> 
> My wife is ok with me watching porn and even ok with me masturbating in front of her. However, my frustration is growing day by day with her showing zero interest in getting involved in the act.
> 
> Would like to hear from others who are in a similar situation and what have you done to cope? What do you do for sexual relief? Other thoughts?


Get her respect back, and you'll be fine. Easier said than done, right?


----------



## thefreek (Mar 27, 2021)

thewiltern2008 said:


> Married almost 10 years and sex life has dwindled down to 1X/month. Pretty frustrated, even after addressing with wife on a few ocassions. Masturbation has been my source of relief as a result.
> 
> My wife is ok with me watching porn and even ok with me masturbating in front of her. However, my frustration is growing day by day with her showing zero interest in getting involved in the act.
> 
> Would like to hear from others who are in a similar situation and what have you done to cope? What do you do for sexual relief? Other thoughts?


i have been married 46 years and i have been in the same situation rore 31 years.then i hide a voice recorder in her bedroom every time i would go somewhere.and i found out why.im not going to say what i found out but i think you would like to know why so get you a small recorder and you just might enjoy what you find out.


----------



## Wish80 (Mar 19, 2021)

thewiltern2008 said:


> Married almost 10 years and sex life has dwindled down to 1X/month. Pretty frustrated, even after addressing with wife on a few ocassions. Masturbation has been my source of relief as a result.
> 
> My wife is ok with me watching porn and even ok with me masturbating in front of her. However, my frustration is growing day by day with her showing zero interest in getting involved in the act.
> 
> Would like to hear from others who are in a similar situation and what have you done to cope? What do you do for sexual relief? Other thoughts?


----------



## Wish80 (Mar 19, 2021)

Pornhub and masterbation. I barely have sex once a week. My husband just don't have a sex drive. I'm a very sexual person. We sat alone on the weekends and I just want him to touch me i feel awkward touching him because he doesn't reciprocate. So I feel like I'm crossing the line. The best I can tell you is self love


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

farsidejunky said:


> Your attempt to further pigeonhole an incorrect A or B scenario into another A or B scenario is much the same.
> 
> There are a multitude of reasons for loss of attraction.
> 
> ...


Yes. Sometimes, the person doesn't care about attraction. People marry without love for many reasons.


----------

