# Husband college grad w/o job a year later



## txwife (Oct 9, 2009)

My husband and I were married in May 2008. We'd know each other almost 4 years at that point and I had graduated and started my first full-time job with my degree and he was set to graduate in September and keep his well paying (but grant funded) part-time job and look for his full-time job upon graduation.

He did graduate, with honors too! He did look...for maybe 3 solid months, pounding the pavements everyday, sending his resume everywhere, try to make connections, etc, etc. He started fall back on the excuse that his part-time job was too stressful as his job search declined (and the economy too). I know it's hard to find jobs out there, but I think that he should be willing to settle for just about anything now. He's been out of work since July, and I think has even less of a drive to find something since his new found "free time" without worrying about working.

I've talked to him about finding work. He now says that he needs more schooling. We can't afford that though. Like literally, his student loan debt is more than mine and I'm paying for both of us at this point. Plus the job market in his field (computer/ IT stuff) is not opening up anymore with a higher degree vs the one he has now. I think part of his issue is he's upset that he can't walk in and get the position that he wants at the salary he wants. He's set up all these critera when really, when you're trying to get that experience in your field (or just trying to make it as a family for that matter) you take what you can get to start out. 

He doesn't clean, cook, or help out around the house at all (despite my asking or in his words "nagging"). I make an hour commute both ways for my job and I work very odd and flexible hours to meet client needs yet equal 40 hours a week. My job is not ideal but I took what I could and I've stuck through a lot of crap just to bring a paycheck home. I have stayed at our apartment because we both love the town we're in and I hate the area I work in, but we need to move closer to my work for financial reasons. He doesn't get why things can't stay the same and feels like I'm not listening to him. I guess it's because I'm the only handling the bills, and when I show him our finances, his arguement is to not worry about it and something will show up. But it's been over a year since he's graduated now.... 

I am not able to afford to add him to my health insurance at this point. But I do pay out of pocket for his medicines for depression. He is able to see his DR and I will always find a way for him to get whatever help he needs. I don't know what else to do though.

I'm so exhausted when I come home, and nothing has been down. Some days he's slept all day (another thing he's working on his DR with). Sometimes he tells me he doesn't think he can handle a full-time job at this point. I need him to help out some way though. I hate to make it sound like it's all about money, but sadly money pays the bills. If would swallow his pride and get a part-time job doing anything it would help out so much. And I really think (and his DR had told him) that if/when he gets some sort of work he will start to feel better about himself which is something he struggles with, and I wish I could help with.

We do not live the lifestyles of the rich and famous. We don't have cable, we have the lowest internet plan, set the AC high, set the heat low, etc, etc. I can't remember the last time we ate out or bought anything for ourselves that wasn't "necessary". My salary barely covers all our expenses but groceries and food are an interesting thing in our house (glad ramen is cheap!). With that in mind, I'm sure you can imagine how slim our savings is unfortunately.

I don't know what more I can do. I don't know how to help him. I want to make sure that I keep myself healthy as well. I can't do this all on my own forever. 

If anyone has any suggestions on things I could do, words of encouragement, constructive criticism, anything, I'd appreciate it. My husband is my best friend. I love him so much. I just feel so lost these days and it's like I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If you were my daughter, this is what I would tell you. 

- He is being abusive in terms of stress/workload by not doing ALL the housework
- He needs to take a job waiting tables/doing something in the next 30 days since doing nothing has become a REALLY BAD HABIT. 

If he is not willing to do all the housework to help out, you need to tell him that he is taking advantage, it is wrong and it is causing you to question whether he loves you. 













txwife said:


> My husband and I were married in May 2008. We'd know each other almost 4 years at that point and I had graduated and started my first full-time job with my degree and he was set to graduate in September and keep his well paying (but grant funded) part-time job and look for his full-time job upon graduation.
> 
> He did graduate, with honors too! He did look...for maybe 3 solid months, pounding the pavements everyday, sending his resume everywhere, try to make connections, etc, etc. He started fall back on the excuse that his part-time job was too stressful as his job search declined (and the economy too). I know it's hard to find jobs out there, but I think that he should be willing to settle for just about anything now. He's been out of work since July, and I think has even less of a drive to find something since his new found "free time" without worrying about working.
> 
> ...


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## mdinwpg (Aug 8, 2009)

I absolutely agree. When I finished college it took me awhile to find a job given the economy at the time, at least around here. I took a job at a hotel for the time being just to make ends meet and then I found a job I enjoy and pays more. It has nothing to do with my education, but I still enjoy the work!

I can't imagine not doing ANYTHING. I'd feel like I wasn't contributing to the household. Even with working full time I still make sure I do something around the house every day. I'd honestly rather not and spend my time watching tv or relaxing, but that's not how the world works.



MEM11363 said:


> If you were my daughter, this is what I would tell you.
> 
> - He is being abusive in terms of stress/workload by not doing ALL the housework
> - He needs to take a job waiting tables/doing something in the next 30 days since doing nothing has become a REALLY BAD HABIT.
> ...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

In Texas you will be on tap for no more than three years of spousal support if you divorce. But since he has a diagnosis of depression you might be on tap for his medical bills too.

Check with a lawyer.

The job market is contracting and it is a shock to the system when you think you're doing everything right and it is not working out.

I am sorry, but you either have to continue in the limbo state or make it official and put up with it for three more years.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

I have seen a lot of men get depressed over unemployment since job status is so much of how we define male worth in this society. It is possible to pull through it, but men in this situation become trapped by complacency and enabling. I would set some ultimatums and if they are not met, move on your own to be near your job. Financially it will be less stress to just support yourself and it will give your husband time to think about what the relationship means to him. I know it may sound harsh, but he is not present in your home or marriage right now anyway, moving out might actually be liberating and make him appreciate what he has with you.

I had one month where I had to pay all the bills due to my partner getting dealt a huge financial blow, and I put the limit at that one month. I was willing to move out if it went to 2 months even though we'd been together 5 years, living together for 2. Still think it would have been the right choice had it come to that.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I will add, that even with a college degree, new graduates (last five years) are now competing with more proven workers for the same entry level jobs. so even in the best of circumstances, it is a huge slog of possibly more than a year of sustained high level job searching to get a job.

Some people get so discouraged that they give up trying and slide into depression.

But at some point they have to put aside their pain and find ANY employment at all and then stage up for their career later.

He is at that point. 

I agree, time box his uninvolvement and make decisions that are best for yourself. If he comes along for the ride and steps up, then fine. if not? You're free of him.


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## charrl (Nov 12, 2013)

Well that sounds terrible. It sounds like what has happened is that your husband has truly worked himself into a fit of depression. It can be viewed as one of those endless cycles:

Just graduated> No experience > therefore no job > no job means no experience > therefore no job..... ext...

I absolutely know how it feels but I also feel pretty blessed. I am going to a top rated engineering school that offers 6 months for co-op (internship). Well I had a seriously tough time finding an engineering job. It got to the point that I had to pick up a construction job for the time when I was supposed to be in an engineering co-op. 

But guess what? I'm so glad I did that because had I not worked the crappy construction job I NEVER would have had the opportunity to network with one of the companies clients who owned a company and ended up HIRING me for the last 3 months of my co-op in a real engineering position where I got involved in some great projects. 

I would HIGHLY suggest that you husband take anything he can get. I can feel his pain because I was very depressed when I saw all my other friends getting job offers left and right and I had none. But had I not jumped on the opportunity to take whatever job I could get my hands on, I never would have worked an engineering job.

That's my 2cents.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

IT shouldn't be hopeless. Could he sell Apple computers?

What do his parents and siblings say?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This thread is from 2009.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This thread is from 2009.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> This thread is from 2009.


They probably have classed TAM as junk/spam and therefore never see the messages or notices.


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