# Hi, my name is RiverFlows and I am an enabler



## riverflows (Sep 1, 2012)

I've been lurking on TAM for awhile and never thought I would register because everyone's story is so much more intense and horrible compared to mine. I know I have the emotional, mental, physical, and financial strength to get through my separation and impeding divorce, my detachment process is working (mostly).

However -- I am starting to realize I may need a forum for help me stay strong with 180 & NC. My family and close friends all know the details of our situation, my FIL/MIL are 110% supportive of me and any decision I make. But I don't want to go running to them each time there is a little tiny mental waivering on my part, and here's why...

Summary:
15+ years married, no kids, STBXH has given me the ILYBINILWY speech twice, a few years ago and again last month. There was likely an EA the first time, maybe one this time too, hard to say as he has a habit of befriending women, especially those that need a bit of saving. I poured my angst and heart out to my family and closest friends the last time -- he had been going through depression and after the S went through severe suicidal episodes and financial ruin. He basically had nothing when we R -- no car, no savings, bad credit, a few small streams of free-lance income. During our R I moved away from our state for a new job as I tried rebuild my life & self-esteem. We continued to work on our marriage w/o MC and things seemed much better, at least for him. I moved again for another job, and he joined me this time. Things were good for a year or so.

A couple days before we separated, he called me his best friend (first time he ever said that to me) and at the time I felt he was mine but knew we had (lack of) communication issues. But he didn't want MC because we should be able to fix it ourselves, or it is not fixable. I got a lot of ILY, ICAY but finally got him to admit not being in love which after much talking/crying I said was a deal breaker for me. So once again he has nothing, no car, no savings, bad credit, no clients (but a new business plan he was working on but still, no income). 

He is mostly a decent honorable guy, lots of people like/love him (even my family still) and despite his many financial failures somehow I still had faith in his abilities. He did not abuse me in any way, he just doesn't love me in the way I want to be loved. To avoid the horrible situation of our last S, I told him we could still be friends, gave him enough money to survive 6 months and buy a cheap car (yeah, I know, pretty much no one thinks I should have done that but I had reasons). He moved out of state, and mostly we are NC except minor stuff needing to disentangle ourselves from each other. 

I am 99.99% sure about no R this time and want a simple uncontested divorce ASAP. I have a history of always being there for him to help solve problems or "save the day" but don't want to do that any more. I thought the upfront $ would solve that issue, but I am now getting contact from him that make me waiver (but only slightly), and think I need kind objective strangers to provide 2x4 reality checks to me!

He calls me to ask a questions about a joint service account that he could have just found out calling the company directly. I suspect it is to let me know he is having a problem. I send him an email with information about some other minor joint financial issue that he has to address (but not urgent). After a day he replies saying he will work on it tomorrow because of (description of same problem but it has gotten worse). Then the next day I get a txtmsg saying he has to address issue next week because of same problem but has gotten even worse now. His tone is not excuses, but more letting me know he is serious about being responsive to my issues, however, still telling me about his problem. 

I cannot really help him, he is not asking for my help, but yet I feel this urge to ask if there is anything I can do. I want to keep things civil and friendly as possible until D but don't want to enable him. If I really was just his friend, of course I would ask if I could help, but he/I both know we cannot be friends like that, at least not this soon in our S.

Here is what I plan to respond via txt:

"Sorry to hear about <XXX>. The <YYY> issue is not urgent. Pls take care."

Any advice?


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## Dignity (Aug 6, 2012)

I have this problem too. When friends are in trouble I will of course do what I can to help. But when my STBXH is in trouble, if I help him, then I am enabling him. I have a really hard time distinguishing between enabling and loving. 
The advice that I've been given is that it's important to draw the boundaries and stick to them. No matter what. 

It helps me when I feel like giving in and just helping to tell myself that "it's not an option" over and over again. Eventually, it changes my mindset from it being a choice to not help, which makes me feel guilty, to it just plain not being an option. Nothing to feel guilty about there, right?

Hope that helps.


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## riverflows (Sep 1, 2012)

Dignity said:


> I have a really hard time distinguishing between enabling and loving.


This is so true for me, and something I probably need to work on for new relationships. If anyone has any good resources, I'm grateful.



Dignity said:


> It helps me when I feel like giving in and just helping to tell myself that "it's not an option" over and over again. Eventually, it changes my mindset from it being a choice to not help, which makes me feel guilty, to it just plain not being an option. Nothing to feel guilty about there, right?
> 
> Hope that helps.


This is so very helpful, thank you! You really broke it down why it is hard, the guilt...


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