# Lost and Angry



## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

How does one cope after so many years of marriage that is now lost. I have such a bad outlook at the moment. I find myself getting so angry at times. I hate my wife for cheating and then I hate her more for the time I lose from my children when they see her. It does not phase her because she has what she wanted, the OM.
I get so angry when I do not have them. It has been around 1 month and I am so destroyed when they leave. 
I get angry when I know she cheated with someone so much younger.
All in all I want to find happiness in my life, some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I never had such hate and anger in my body.
My mind is so lost. It is like a death except worse, I still have to see my ex wife all the time because of career choices.
I don't know...I just need to know how to cope with this awful matter at hand.
Sorry for the rant.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Your feelings are very raw still. I find a lot of times I am very angry. I am in almost the same situation. H cheated(with an older woman in my case, I am 37 she is 49), got caught, he filed for divorce, nothing seems to phase him like nothing happended at all. See my story(one of them) My life as a single Mother few threads below.

What I found out that worked is when I joined my single Parents group on Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup. Look up there maybe a similar group in your town. It was more difficult when I was not working but the anger is still there and creeps up occasionally on me from time to time. I know exactly when you say that it feels like death.

We are here to support you. You have found a great place for that.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

helpplease,

Listen to NRTQ she has provided you a great start. You've got to let that anger go. In a way your anger is her controlling you. And I'm in the same situation as you. I hate it when I have to leave my son, and sometimes feel like a bad father when I can't be there for him when he is sick, etc.

All you can do is make sure you are a part of your child's life in the most positive of ways. Actions are the most important part.

Work out...... I know I have and it has become a part of my life. Take up a new hobby. It is just one step at a time, and time. Time to work through your grieving process, but never lose sight of the fact that your children are going through the same grieving process.

I"m sorry for you loss. God bless and peace to you.

NRTQ is a very supportive person -- thanks NRTQ from me , as are many on this forum. Ask questions, post your emotions, someone will be here.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> helpplease,
> 
> NRTQ is a very supportive person -- thanks NRTQ from me , as are many on this forum. Ask questions, post your emotions, someone will be here.


OK, FA you are now making me blush 

I still have to follow up on my own advice sometimes.


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## mariem1967 (Dec 1, 2010)

The only right thing you can do is, once your kids are with you, to make sure you do everything to make that time unforgettable for them. Relax and enjoy it as much as possible. Accept the reality and by the time your anger will disappear.


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

@NRTQ Thanks for your words. I will be reading your thread and checking out support groups. I just have these rage moments if phases. I can be very happy but when the thought of my kids not being here creeps in I just lose it. I know I have to control this anger, it will eat me alive!

@Feelingalone I appreciate your support! I have worked out like a crazy! 6 days a week. I have lost 45 pounds and am in the best shape of my life, that is the only positive thing I have received from this. I am sure in time it will get better.

@mariem1967 You are right, that's all I can do is make their experience the best one possible and be the best Dad I can be


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## helpplease (May 20, 2010)

Had a bad Saturday. Did you ever just wake up angry? Feeling used? My Ex W still wants and asks me for help with things and it makes me angry. Why ask me? It just hurts more and I think I was not good enough so u cheated but still want my knowledge or physical help.
It absolutely kills me when my kids are not here. I have terrible thoughts and I should not feel these things. I also have the fear that they will somehow like it better at ex W.
They still don't know why we split, should I tell them so they know? It seems like they need to know a little bit of information.
I also feel like I just could not provide enough for my ex W and it honestly effects me. I have a good job, nice house, car, and loved her so much, clearly that was not enough.

Again just my emotions for the day.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

It will get better. You have to feel you feelings.

What kind of things does she need your help on? I mean if she wants you to fix the faucet or fix the checking account you have to start setting boundaries.

It's so good that you use working out as a stress reliever. Keep taking care of you.


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## carol (Mar 8, 2011)

You should just tell your kids that you can't live together any more and keep telling them it is not their fault. I don't know how old they are, however, I do know that kids always think the breakup is their fault. And I know my daughter was always afraid her dad was going to marry someone else and forget about her. So, you see, the fear can be on both sides. the anger will eventually go away, just concentrate on your kids now. they need you as much as you need them.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

helpplease, I am in a different situation, cheating was not the reason but the emotional abuse... I moved out after 28 hears of marriage and filed for divorce. I had times where i felt lot of anger because of all the lost, the insecurity, the responsibilities i have to carry, the loneliness... All this happened to me because of him for not doing any effort for years to help our marriage to survive.

After going through depression and taking anti depressant i started working better on myself

I filled my life with work and all kind of positive things 

I hanged up in my room all friends messages or memories and pictures that make me smile. 

I wrote down on pieces of colored and decorated papers all kind of activities and short term goals i am willing to do (Workout, losing weight, reading, dancing, volunteering....) I hanged them on a board in my room.
Recently i joined a group from Meetup.com after reading a thread posted by notreadytoquit Thanks NRTQ. I loved it.

And i am trying to live day by day

Most of all this helped me to show my kids a happy mother and this relived them so much.... 

It is only a matter of time we will get better!

Good luck helpplease!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Hey there helpplease,

sorry to find you here man.. I know exactly how you feel or pretty dam close to it. I went through the same sort of thing a few years back.. Ex cheated, left for another man 16 years of marriage down the drain, lost my house, time with my kids and most everything that I had worked so hard for....I had the anger, bitterness and hatred for what she did... It didnt matter to her all it did was eat me up inside, It made me physically sick until one day I decided it was enough.. I wasnt going to allow her and her actions to affect my daily life...... Fast forward to today !! Man let me be the first to tell you what so many others have and will continue to say.. 

It does get better.. I am so much happier now than at any point with her. I knew deep down in my heart years ago that this would happen. I saw myself as her first husband did. Now I am thankfull to be free...... spend time doing things you enjoy, get back to being the man you were before you met her.

let the anger and bitterness go it will only hurt you and make recovery longer and more difficult.. Its tough that I know. My divorce was one of the hardest things i have ever gone through. I wont sugar coat it.. you have a rough road ahead my friend !! 

But you can do it that I am certain of..... as for helping your ex...... tell her she has a new friend to do the dirty work......

Enjoy your time with your kids..... you still have a family there buddy...... you just dont have a cheating wife hanging around 

I wish you well my friend !! oneday you will indeed smile again...

best wishes.........
Skin........... 
I


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Know that many others here have traveled the road you are on. Doesn't make it any less lonely or painful.

But ...

Keep walking. It will take you someplace other than where you currently find yourself.

Set some firm personal boundaries. Sounds like your ex likes the idea of having you take care of 'stuff' while TOM takes care of the emotional and intimate side of the equation. Just get used to saying:
"No."
"Sorry, I'm busy."
"You'll have to take care of that yourself."

Be angry. It's actually a good sign. I've been there.

Here's to Anger ...


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