# Advice on my issue



## Saffyre (Jul 12, 2009)

I am new to this forum here and wanted to get some advice. I don't know what to do anymore myself at all. I wish there was a way to just fix everything magically. Me and my wife have been married for 3 years coming up this month. We had a beautiful baby girl on June 12th of this year, and she will be turning 1 month old tomorrow. About 3 hours ago me and the wife were at her families house with her brothers and mom and her mother and her went to the store. Once they got to the store I got sent a message asking about things her mom needed. I tried to get her little brother to help and he did not want to. I was the idiot who decided to lay my daughter on the couch, for 3 seconds, and came back and she rolled herself off right in front of her brothers watching her. This came back on me and when the wife got home I was telling her the story of what happened, and her brothers girlfriend (who was not there) walks by and says "Oh ya I heard he dropped her.". The wife got furious and ran off and went to her mothers room and locked the door. About 3 1/2 hours later she came out and was speaking to me very harshly. "Warm up the car." buckles the daughter in her car seat and then I go into the room and she yells "GO SIT IN THE CAR.". To not have conflict I do as I am told. We didn't speak all the way home in the car and once we got home we were going to the bedroom and she closes the door on me and tells me I don't belong in the bedroom. (As of right now we are staying with my parents for a bit.) I wanted to explain what happened and at the top of her lungs I hear her yelling at me about how bad of a father I am, how "HER" daughter doesn't need me, that I am worthless and I was with her for 2 hours, and how irresponsible I am. I left the room and here I am. I accept my responsibility for what I did. I know I was dumb for leaving her on the couch. I screwed up and I am probably a worthless parent. This is eating at me alive in my stomach. But this is not the first of mine and her problems. I would have to give some more background as to why I am writing this.

Me and my wife have been through a lot of issues, and really none of these issues should have been as big as they got. My wife is very pushy, bossy, and jealous. As of right now I cannot remember a whole lot of our issues, but I will give some of the stuff I do remember on us.

For the past 3 years, ever since we got married, I have been pushed around, and felt like her servant/puppet. I love her and enjoy doing things for her, but I currently feel abused, over-used, and taken advantage of. I have probably been told she wants a divorce 9-10 times. She has throw my ring in my face multiple times on top of this. I am constantly made to feel like a fool. I cannot explain ANYTHING to her or I get threatened. I have actually once gone so low as to fake something happening to me so things would be better.

I am sure at times there are valid reasons for this. I may even always deserve it. Some of the things I can remember about this are if I do not pay attention to her for a few seconds. If my life does not revolve around her. If I am late from work sometimes as little as 30 minutes. I cannot even think of all of the reasons for this. I feel like I deserve better then this and sometimes I have even been told "You knew how I was when you married me." when I tell her how I feel on this issue. I am constantly made to feel guilty about the things I do. I feel like I deserve to be treated decently and to have a full talk on some things, but talking to her in these moments is just asking to be yelled at, or to get threatened with divorce. Is all of this me?

I need help with this. I have come to a breaking point and have honestly gotten to the point where I don't care any more. I love my wife with all my heart and have taken all of these because I have thought things would change. There has been a couple times she has hit me, but it doesn't hurt, just hurts my feelings. Right now I feel like asking her for a divorce and ending all of this. I want to go to marriage counceling to fix this, but I do not know if it would help. I havent stopped crying in 3 hours and have seriously hit a breaking point. Please someone help me. Maybe all of this is me. I now have a brand new daughter and I feel like this is going to hurt her as well.... Help me please....


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## MikeSushi (Jul 12, 2009)

Alright. This advice that I'm going to give you is 1riceless and 2:the truth about women and their motives.
And I only take some of this to heart because I don't fully believe it but I got it from my Sushi Master so it must be magical. All women have a motive in life whether you want it, like it, need it, or even care about it. They have this thing in there head that, I swear, hits the fan when they realize the world revolves around there life. They throw their asses all over, they think they need total crazy attention, they think there vagina is a golden ticket and they sit there with a man like yourself who is harmless and cares and this women will S*** all over that man. You might as well put a toilet seat on your face. You know why men are so good at ignoring and slip off into space...because we have to deal with this S*** all the Damn time. So you are close when you're together than you start to drift and than you get tension because "OH NO, the man is always wrong, always the provider, heman, jump off that 100 story building into traffic man." And then here comes the "Golden Ticket." Now you're at square one. And if you draw that as a picture it looks like a vagina. You gotta make her understand that you're a MAN. You have 2 huge balls (if you don't im sorry) and a Baseball bat. That's where women fall short. They get fat on their chest, but we get What they want. Not for all women this is true, but in your case, definitely. If I were you I would run all over butt naked with it hanging free and see what she does. She is threatening you with her own insecurities. Make Her, your B****. Because if you don't step it up and face her,you will be her B**** for however your together. This is true whether you want to accept it or not. Take yourself out of the picture and drink an 18 pack. Not cheap beer !!! but 5 dollars a bottle!!!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It isn't just one gender that behaves a certain way--IT IS PEOPLE. Making generalizations isn't going to solve your problem.

In some ways I can see myself in a few of your wife's actions. There were times when I had little patience and showed immaturity. And yes, I did hurt my stbx and others. However, I have spent over a year in individual counseling and now understand things a lot better. I suspect your wife doesn't handle stress very well. And I see several things in your post that could be adding to that. I honestly think you and your wife can benefit from going to individual counseling (use the same therapist). Really get to the bottom of what is going on.

Don't beat yourself up over your daughter's little accident. There will be plenty more along the way. Trust me! We all have to "learn" on our first child


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

As far as the "roll over" it does happen and part of the mistakes of parenting. Everyone will have one!

The relationship needs some work and boundaries. Perhaps read some self-help books from the library which may give you some tips on marriage and communication. Perhaps have a serious sit-down talk when you aren't fighting and communicate your feelings. Don't start with "You" but start with "I feel...." statements. The I feel statements are good because they tend to not make the other person defensive like you are pointing the finger. Tell her how you feel.


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## CWife (Jul 12, 2009)

First of all you sound like a very caring supportive husband and father, so please do not berate yourself. It does no good.

Second, I suggest you find a local support group, minister, counselor, someone from your/a church you can go visit. Trust me in that you will need support in this. It sounds like you love your wife and child very much which is a great place to start from. Since it has been hard for you to talk to your wife, I suggest you find this support group/person talk to them and then put together a plan to approach your wife about this.

And by the way, all parents have had the child rolling off the bed/couch/ottoman, changing table thing happen. 

Oh yeah, and the advice on the 'I feel' dead on... remember no 'you' that will only make her get defensive.

Wishing you the best!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Welcome to marriage, and congrats on looking for some answers. Stop feeling so guilty about the baby rolling off the couch, it happens to the best of us: 23 years ago, I was using the top of my dryer as a changing table for my son; I dropped something and bent over to pick it up, and the son rolled off the dryer top and landed on my back! I did a "save" and caught him from falling off my back by catching him by his little foot! WOW! 

You will remember your mistakes for YEARS! :smthumbup: But don't feel alone or beat yourself up too much about it.

You sound pretty exhausted. 
You BOTH have a lot going onm which causes much stress in a relationship:

1) SHE is 30 days postpartum. REMEMBER: her hormones are probably about as volatile as possible right now.
2) SHE and YOU are probably sleep deprived due to new baby issues.
3) You two are not living in your own space! That alone is difficult at best, but with a new baby? Uh-oh!
4) Financial issues are probably in play, I do not know, but lots of people are going through financial crisis right now.

SO, like others, I would suggest counseling for you two. Marriage is worth the time and effort, if you both work on it. You two do need boundaries and "rules" of marriage and rules of discussion engagement.

These are all LEARNED and take time, and some maturity.

CONGRATS on the daughter, and good luck...to you all THREE. :smthumbup:


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

MikeSushi - While there is some truth in your post GIVE ME A BREAK!! What! One or two women in your life have burned you and youre ready to throw the entire sex under the bus!!

Get over yourself. Theres just as much trash on each side of the fence.

My STBX is putting me through HELL right now, but I would never consider ALL other women to be the same.

I'll just have to learn to be more careful, if there is a next time. No one forced me to sign that paper.

Now.

Saffyre - I am assuming she was un-injured. Thank God. It is amazing how resilient babies are. Stuff like this happens all the time.

When my son was 10mths old, my wife fell down the stairs with him. He broke his femur and dislocated his hip. It was awful, but he is fine. I never held my wife responsible for anything. It was an *accident*. Why yours doesnt believe you on this I dont know. Take Sandy's advice. Its very sound (as it always is). Give her time for her mind and body to get over the shock of child birth.

but...

You need to start standing up for yourself. You dont have be malicious about it but it must be done. Trust me on this. I rolled over and let everything go for years because I was terrified my wife would leave and what do you think still finally happened?

You guessed it.

Let it go and you will regret it in the end. Its best dealt with in councelling as it may be a bit "safer" for her. She wont feel you are just being a pain.

Im *very* passive and am working on being more assertive. You need to do the same. You need to learn to work with eachother on every aspect of your lives. Communication and understanding of eachothers needs are essential, or else.........

you know what comes next.

Congrats and good luck. Fatherhood is a blessing, even when its hard (and you WILL make mistakes, just do the best you can). Be patient, be loving, but dont forget about you.


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