# Confused



## jwrw120121 (5 mo ago)

My husband moved out two months ago due to people at our work place told him I had been married before at the age of 17, I’m now 46. He says that’s a lie by me not telling him. I would have if he’d asked, but didn’t see the need to just air my dirty laundry. We see each other every day, I have never removed my rings but he has. We don’t talk or see anyone else. We tell each other we love one another and he’s considering moving back home. He says he wants to make sure we aren’t gonna fight anymore. We have done very well with that. But I don’t understand when he comes out for dinner he eats and goes back to his place, doesn’t stay long. He’s a general manager of a local business so I know he’s stressed. I feel he needs to move back home so we can see how things are going to be. I told him I have no doubts, all couples will argue, we just have to learn to talk things out when they bother us. Just wanted other peoples opinion on being separated and how they handle it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Not telling you were married before was a big mistake. It's made him wonder if he can trust you. 
However it sounds as if there is more that needs to be sorted out in the marriage. Would he go to MC?


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## jwrw120121 (5 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Not telling you were married before was a big mistake. It's made him wonder if he can trust you.
> However it sounds as if there is more that needs to be sorted out in the marriage. Would he go to MC?


He said he didn’t believe in MC and yes I was at fault for not telling, I was just embarrassed I guess. He did say just last night he’s not ready to give up on us.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jwrw120121 said:


> He said he didn’t believe in MC and yes I was at fault for not telling, I was just embarrassed I guess. He did say just last night he’s not ready to give up on us.


We were both divorced before we met, its a big thing to keep secret but it a seems there is more to your troubles than this one thing.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

jwrw120121 said:


> My husband moved out two months ago due to people at our work place told him I had been married before at the age of 17, I’m now 46. He says that’s a lie by me not telling him. I would have if he’d asked, but didn’t see the need to just air my dirty laundry. We see each other every day, I have never removed my rings but he has. We don’t talk or see anyone else. We tell each other we love one another and he’s considering moving back home. He says he wants to make sure we aren’t gonna fight anymore. We have done very well with that. But I don’t understand when he comes out for dinner he eats and goes back to his place, doesn’t stay long. He’s a general manager of a local business so I know he’s stressed. I feel he needs to move back home so we can see how things are going to be. I told him I have no doubts, all couples will argue, we just have to learn to talk things out when they bother us. Just wanted other peoples opinion on being separated and how they handle it.


I agree with @Diana7 about you should have told him, but your husbands reaction is pretty dramatic. You should absolutely get back together. Separations are not for healing a marriage. You need to be together and talk things out.

Why do you think his reaction was so bad? Moving out because you have a past life makes me think there’s more to this story. Were you married to someone that is currently in your life?

How long have you been married now? Any kids?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

jwrw120121 said:


> he’s considering moving back home. He says he wants to make sure we aren’t gonna fight anymore.


*This is the real issue*, not the long-ago marriage. 



jwrw120121 said:


> He said he didn’t believe in MC


That's a pity, because I think MC is your best chance of learning to fight "nicely". Not ever fighting anymore is a bit unrealistic, as you said. Learning to disagree more kindly is possible. 



jwrw120121 said:


> Just wanted other peoples opinion on being separated and how they handle it.


I'd advise: (a) don't do anything stupid like dating other people, (b) have some contact every day, preferably in person, not over text (c) don't *push* him to come back, and (d) ask some open questions like "_tell me what it was like for you when we argued_" and then shut up and listen. Don't dispute or counter anything he says.


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## jwrw120121 (5 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I agree with @Diana7 about you should have told him, but your husbands reaction is pretty dramatic. You should absolutely get back together. Separations are not for healing a marriage. You need to be together and talk things out.
> 
> Why do you think his reaction was so bad? Moving out because you have a past life makes me think there’s more to this story. Were you married to someone that is currently in your life?
> 
> How long have you been married now? Any kids?


I was married at 17 with no children. I was young, you know how some teenagers think we knew more than mom and dad. No that person is not in my life. We were only married since 12/01/2021. This breaks my heart, I had to start taking Buspar for anxiety which I never knew I had. I love him with all I have and want us back. He says he wants that to, but if so he needs to come back home. We did argue over my past he kept wanting to know who all I’d been with, did I flirt with other men before him? All these things happened in my past, we all have one. I’m nothing like I was then. Neither one of us even look at anyone else. I’m just so emotionally drained, I cry during the day, evening, I wake up crying. I’m so lost.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

jwrw120121 said:


> I was married at 17 with no children. I was young, you know how some teenagers think we knew more than mom and dad. No that person is not in my life. We were only married since 12/01/2021. This breaks my heart, I had to start taking Buspar for anxiety which I never knew I had. I love him with all I have and want us back. He says he wants that to, but if so he needs to come back home. We did argue over my past he kept wanting to know who all I’d been with, did I flirt with other men before him? All these things happened in my past, we all have one. I’m nothing like I was then. Neither one of us even look at anyone else. I’m just so emotionally drained, I cry during the day, evening, I wake up crying. I’m so lost.


You sound devastated.

Did you come clean with everything in your past with him? 
I mean was it full disclosure the first time or did you tell him a little, then a little more, etc.

A little at a time can be really hard and create distrust.
But regardless, his reaction was extreme, even if you did tell a little at a time.

All I can say is to keep the communication going. Text, email, phone calls, whatever you use. Try to get him home, and keep trying to get MC set up.

When you do get back together, you definitely need to keep this incident in your mind. 
Something is wrong here. Your husband should not act this way.

He's likely having "retroactive jealousy". But he shouldn't jump to separation that easily.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jwrw120121 said:


> My husband moved out two months ago due to people at our work place told him I had been married before at the age of 17, I’m now 46. He says that’s a lie by me not telling him. I would have if he’d asked, but didn’t see the need to just air my dirty laundry. We see each other every day, I have never removed my rings but he has. We don’t talk or see anyone else. We tell each other we love one another and he’s considering moving back home. He says he wants to make sure we aren’t gonna fight anymore. We have done very well with that. But I don’t understand when he comes out for dinner he eats and goes back to his place, doesn’t stay long. He’s a general manager of a local business so I know he’s stressed. I feel he needs to move back home so we can see how things are going to be. I told him I have no doubts, all couples will argue, we just have to learn to talk things out when they bother us. Just wanted other peoples opinion on being separated and how they handle it.


How long were you married to the guy you married when you were 17

How long have you been married to your current husband?


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## jwrw120121 (5 mo ago)

jwrw120121 said:


> I was married at 17 with no children. I was young, you know how some teenagers think we knew more than mom and dad. No that person is not in my life. We were only married since 12/01/2021. This breaks my heart, I had to start taking Buspar for anxiety which I never knew I had. I love him with all I have and want us back. He says he wants that to, but if so he needs to come back home. We did argue over my past he kept wanting to know who all I’d been with, did I flirt with other men before him? All these things happened in my past, we all have one. I’m nothing like I was then. Neither one of us even look at anyone else. I’m just so emotionally drained, I cry during the day, evening, I wake up crying. I’m so lost.





BeyondRepair007 said:


> You sound devastated.
> 
> Did you come clean with everything in your past with him?
> I mean was it full disclosure the first time or did you tell him a little, then a little more, etc.
> ...


Yes I told him everything which it was just normal past, I’ve not committed any crimes or addictions just bad relationships. He even talked to my mom about my past to make sure I was being honest. We talk text every single day or he comes out for supper every evening. He just messaged me a few minutes ago that he loves me. I just don’t understand why we are living apart if you love each other. And thank you for you reply’s, they do help me. I appreciate that:


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## jwrw120121 (5 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> *This is the real issue*, not the long-ago marriage.
> 
> 
> That's a pity, because I think MC is your best chance of learning to fight "nicely". Not ever fighting anymore is a bit unrealistic, as you said. Learning to disagree more kindly is possible.
> ...


Yes we text every day or talk on phone, he usually comes for supper every evening. He just messaged me few minutes ago that he loves me. I’m so lost without him living here, I go to sleep crying, wake up in middle of night crying. I am seeing a councilor to help me cope with this. If I ask him questions he says I’m controlling him. I’m not demanding I just ask cause I need to know so I can fix this. Thank you all for your comments I truly appreciate them more than you know.


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## jwrw120121 (5 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> How long were you married to the guy you married when you were 17
> 
> How long have you been married to your current husband?


I was 17 the first guy I married. My current husband and I married 12/01/2021


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jwrw120121 said:


> I was 17 the first guy I married. My current husband and I married 12/01/2021


How long were you married to the first guy?


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## jwrw120121 (5 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> How long were you married to the first guy?


We were married 3 year.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

jwrw120121 said:


> If I ask him questions he says I’m controlling him.


OK. Take it softly. There are demanding questions, and then there are open ended questions.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When you’re separated, and both claim they really want to be together, there’s usually a good reason why they’re still living apart. You may not be dating but you can’t be 100% sure he isn’t.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You were married at 17 for three years and then not married again until you were 45? And didn’t tell him? I can see why he would be concerned. But to separate because of it and say he still wants to be with you — but isn’t? No.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s likely trying on another woman or in communication with one. A man doesn’t move out because you do isn’t tell him about a 3 year marriage that took place 25 years ago.
You aren’t giving enough information, or you are missing some.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I think the same as others…there’s something fishy going on. Guys don’t walk out like that. Either there’s more to the story, or he’s got some strange. Or OP is a shrew, but she doesn’t come off that way.

I would still advise to keep talking to him OP. But eyes wide open for any BS.

At some point you just let him go. Are you there yet? You don’t sound like it.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Sure, you should have told him you were married before. But if he moved out solely because of that, he has issues and you should run since he sounds very immature. 

You need to focus 100% on yourself. Forget about him for now as painful as they may be. Most guys don’t like needy women. Make him want you. Stop saying I love you. If he loved you, he would be living with you and not putting you through hell. 

You’re being played and need to realize it. My guess…he moved out to see what other options were out there.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

"Yes I told him everything which it was just normal past, I've not committed any crimes or addictions just bad relationships"

Am I the only one feeling manipulated in this story, it felt like the wives' fake police reporting.

Being married at 17/20 shouldn't cause problems at 46, what did her colleagues tell her husband? why?

You might say it's pointless to write this, but I felt uncomfortable.

It sounded like someone who carried the relationship with lies into marriage and was looking for excuses for the lies that were revealed.


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