# Trouble dealing with wife's sexual past and lies about being a virgin



## sam5337 (Sep 6, 2011)

Because of my spritual beliefs and personal values, I chose to remain a virgin until my wedding night. Because I wanted to marry someone who shared my deep belief that sex was a beautiful gift from God to be used only within marriage.i know we human we made mistake in life. we talk to each other before our marriage about our past.i told her about all my life.she told me about her past, she said she never had sexual relationship with anybody. i ask her if she had please let me know, i want our relationship on honesty....she said she has closed friend but never had sex with anybody.she is virgin.

At the age of 22, she was 18 we got married. Knowing that she and I had "saved each other" for marriage was a very special feeling for me.we know each other password for fb and emails.

8 years later, my wife got a message out of the blue from a former boyfriend that she had dated for 3 years. She hadn't heard from him in several years. She message him for nearly everyday.one day some reason she ask me to print her email.i sign in and check her old mail. i saw a message from familiar name which was her old best friend. i read his message which look like more than just a best friend. he wrote her , he want to talk to her she wrote than why didn't her contact her.than i saw one message from her other friend who is talking about some other guy...im little upset but i said they are her old friend that is why they are writing like this to each other. i never talk to her about her emails but i start checking her email daily bases.she exchange each other cell no.one i can take it i talk to her. she start flipping out, than i ask her about other guy. she told me same story again.(the 1st guy she know him when she was 14 and other-one one year before we get marry. i forget about everything, everything is going well, one day i feel something is wrong, its just a feeling..i login her account i saw a guy who had crush on her in hight school writing her about her past,about her past sexual relationships with the 1st guy and than about 2nd guy who she moved for three month. i message this guy told him stop blaming and talk stupid **** about her...he stop couple of week than again he start writing how nuch he love her etc.she wrote her u know know anything they are just friend..one day she wrote a common friend and the 1st boyfriend about this guy who is harassing her.she told them this guy know about me everything.all this mess i understand she has two boyfriend before we get married 1st one for three years(who she lose her virginity) and the 2nd one for one year..i can't take it anymore i confront her. 1st she refuse they are not her boyfriend than she agree than she said she never have sexual relationship with them.i told her please tell me truth i just want our marriage should be based on truth and honesty...i know she has sexual relationship with these guys and may be with some other guys too..i don't want to break our marriage but her lie bother me every day. im ready to accept anything she did in her past..i just want she tell me truth..if she sleep with these guys i don't care , that happen before we get marry....its hurt when you hear truth from someone else. she still pretend with me she was virgin when she get marry and im the only man who she slept.
My problem is this: I love my wife more than anything in the world, but dealing with her deception, along with the haunting images in my mind of her having intercourse with those men, is very difficult for me. I try to be a loving and forgiving husband, but I find myself feeling negatively towards her. but i never share my feeling about her. i try my best to treat her right, give her what she want,i love her, show my love everyday. i never let her feel i know everything and you are lying to always when she tell me how much she love me and im the only man who she had and have sex..i feel hurt....i cant get rid of these feeling...i tell her so many time please tell me everything about ur past which i don't know....she has same answer like always
.i want she confess than i try to fight and get over on these feeling...i can take truth over lie.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? Is it common for a woman to lie about being a virgin? Any suggestions as to how I can learn to better deal with my feelings about her?i need help please..

Thanks!


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Best of luck, but I couldn't make it through that wall of text you posted above. The grammar and formatting made it very tough.

When you write long posts, it's good to separate them into paragraphs with breaks, such as the one between my first and second ones here.

If English is your second language, then formatting makes it much easier for us to read your post and answer accordingly.

Regards,
Cross


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I couldn't follow the whole story because of the lack of paragraphs and whatnot. But the jist of it is that you are upset that your wife appears to have not been a virgin when you married? 

Well, I supppose it's not a good thing that you feel she lied to you at the time of your marriage. But isn't it much more important what she has done in your time together since you have become married? Her past is her past, nothing you can do about it now anyway. Especially when it was before she met you anyway.

I think the thing I would have a red flag about is that she is messaging guys and an old friend talking about her past sex life with these guys? That strikes me as kind of odd. People really do share too much info on the Facebook's of the world.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

1) I think you have every right to select the woman you would marry by any critieria you so wish. Since you were a virgin and she k ew you expected her to be one too then you did not have a double standard. You were looking for someone compatible.

2) The first problem is that she lied. Not good at all.

3) The biggest deal now is that she is communication with other men. Given that she has lied to you before this is th BIG DEAL.


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## sam5337 (Sep 6, 2011)

sorry guy i don't know how i put this together....i wrote as i remember and as its came in my mind....you can im not feeling good when i wrote this.....i will re post my thread soon when i feel little better..now when im reading my own story...i cant believe myself.i wrote like a hurt man...sorry guyz


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

sam5337 said:


> Because of my spritual beliefs and personal values, I chose to remain a virgin until my wedding night. Because I wanted to marry someone who shared my deep belief that sex was a beautiful gift from God to be used only within marriage.i know we human we made mistake in life. we talk to each other before our marriage about our past.i told her about all my life.she told me about her past, she said she never had sexual relationship with anybody. i ask her if she had please let me know, i want our relationship on honesty....she said she has closed friend but never had sex with anybody.she is virgin.
> 
> At the age of 22, she was 18 we got married. Knowing that she and I had "saved each other" for marriage was a very special feeling for me.we know each other password for fb and emails.
> 
> ...


Grow up. Whats wrong with you? People have sex. That doesn't make them evil, or bad. That makes them normal. 

What I do in my bedroom isn't your concern, and what she did in hers before she met you is none of your business either. Your lucky enough to have convinced a beautiful woman to have you as a husband and you cant see past the fact that she had a life before you came around. How petty is that? 

I suggest you do her a favor and divorce her. I have never ever seen a extremely religious family that was anything other than full of miserable and unhappy people


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

As I was going to say, you will get folks beating you up for your opinion. Like it is not your business to choose your wife how ever you feel. That it is not your business what your spouse sexual history was. LOL. UFB. You will even hear some folks say that what your wife does after her marriage to you is not your business. That she is an adult and can do what ever she wants with whomever she wants when she wants and you should be thankful she is with you.

The fact is she lied and she is communicating with others about her past sexual history -->> Red Flags.


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## artycupid (Jan 19, 2011)

agree with entropy here 100%. You had every right to pick your wife based on whatever criteria was important to you--some people find this offensive that you wanted someone to be a virgin just like you---but thats a religious and personal choice.

So that aside. She LIED TO YOU. Thats huge. She lied to you, she lied in your marriage, you married her based off a lie she told you. 

I wouldnt/couldnt trust her after this. She has broken a serious foundation of trust and I truly feel sorry for you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Her past isn't as important as the future 

Why is you wife emailing past boyfriends and lovers especially ones that are still pursuing her

That is not acceptable from a married woman at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

rikithemonk said:


> Grow up. Whats wrong with you? People have sex. That doesn't make them evil, or bad. That makes them normal.
> 
> What I do in my bedroom isn't your concern, and what she did in hers before she met you is none of your business either. Your lucky enough to have convinced a beautiful woman to have you as a husband and you cant see past the fact that she had a life before you came around. How petty is that?
> 
> I suggest you do her a favor and divorce her. I have never ever seen a extremely religious family that was anything other than full of miserable and unhappy people


And you need to get a grip. Basing a marriage on a lie is worse. He would have been fine if she hadn't lied. He's already stated all he wants is the truth and they can both work on it. He's hurt because she lied that she was a virgin.

Maybe he would have stayed with her, maybe not. But her talking to her exes is a problem.

I know it's not a big deal to you but for others it's a very huge deal. For you to knock someone for wanting the truth only is childish. As to your assumption that all religious people are in horrible marriages, you're so full of it. I'm not religious at all but everyone is entitled to their beliefs and for you to act like an ass because of his beliefs.

I know and have seen successful marriages where both parents and kids were very religious. The kids were some of the best kids in the world in terms of their attitude and how they treated people. Unlike you being an ass they respected other people.

And to the OP, you need to find out why she's in contact with ex-bfs.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> 1) I think you have every right to select the woman you would marry by any critieria you so wish. Since you were a virgin and she k ew you expected her to be one too then you did not have a double standard. You were looking for someone compatible.
> 
> 2) The first problem is that she lied. Not good at all.
> 
> 3) The biggest deal now is that she is communication with other men. Given that she has lied to you before this is th BIG DEAL.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

She misrepresented herself to get him to make a commitment. The basis of the relationship for him was love, shared values and dreams; for her it seems to have been a means to an end. 

If she were an exemplary wife and mother to him, there might be some hope of re-establishing intimacy but she seems to be running true to form. 

You really never had a marriage, the union was based on lies and continues on that basis. Even though you love her, that may not be enough to go forward.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I think some people are not understanding that the OP's problem was not with the fact she isn't a virgin, as much as the fact his wife is LYING to him repeatedly and not coming clean. If someone values abstinence before marriage, and their spouse claims they were abstinent - I feel it's wrong for them to lie, regardless of the opinion!

I would sit down with your wife. It seems she is afraid of what your opinion of her will become if she tells you the truth. Do you often get angry at things she does? Are you overly judgemental of people who have premarital sex? If she hears you blasting others for behavior that she has participated in, she will be very resistant to admitting the truth in fear that you will think badly or say bad things about her.

To me, it does not sound like you have a very open relationship with your wife. She obviously does not feel comfortable coming to you and telling you things about herself. Perhaps you are being a bit too controlling and I'm judging that off of the fact that you go through her email and FB with no real reason to mistrust her.

I think you both need to sit down and address all of your issues. She can address the fact that she is lying to you about being a virgin. And you can address the fact that you are insecure and perhaps a bit too judgemental. Get everything out in the open. Be an adult and admit your faults, as it seems you have quite a few of them as well. I would be extremely resentful if my H thought it was appropriate for him to go through every email/everything on FB of mine as I have givne him no reason to think I am a cheater (and I'm not).


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your wife misrepresented. And continues to do so. Dont expect her basic character to change.

There is no reason for her to change. She does not respect you enough to change for you. And you cant force her to change either because she has free choice of will.

Your best strategy is to change yourself. Read about manning up and the 180.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

He noticed that she was getting emails from an old boy friend and the contents were such that he is not just a friend. So he had reason to look further. As he looked further he discovered he had been grossly lied to. Frankly I think he is being rather mature about the whole thing. He wants to get her to tell the truth. He cannot forgive her until she admits the truth. Now he may actually be a "Nice Guy" and not taking a firm enough stand.

So there is a double whammy. He has already stated it is not about her having sex before marriage. It is about her lying. More importantly her lying is the backfrop for the more urgent issue of her looking to be in an EA with this ex boy friend.

Yes, they need to talk with each other and work out th major issues of lying and the mistrust that comes form lying. They need to get together and establish proper boundaries as well.

I suggest that they do His Needs Her Needs together and discuss, define and agree to boundaries. IF she is in an EA right now it is going to be very difficult to adress these other issues until that affair is dealt with. She will have to go NC with her ex boy friends. Which she should anyway. One reason for wanting to know the sexual history of a spouse is for this very reason. If someone has been intimate with your spouse earlier on, they are forever a threat of rekindling their connection. They already have the chemistry. It is so very easy to pick off where they left off. BUT, if you are not aware that there was a relationship you are totally in the dark and possibly in for an unpleasant surprise. Transparency is best. In this case it is impacting the marriage directly and is not just in the past. Her "friend" was a previous sexual partner.

So he needs to determine this rather quickly.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i think its not about weather or not she was a virgin...[not discounting your views] but the question of weather or not you would have married her knowing she wasnt.

maybe you would have, maybe not...but she made that decision for you. that is the real issue. she needs to cut it off from past lovers. sometimes in a marriage, there is no room for a past.

talk to her. tell her you are hurt by her making the decision for you and not being honest about herself.


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## sam5337 (Sep 6, 2011)

guys its nothing to do with religion.its about honesty and love..i don't care about her past.i care about our future.if the foundation of marriage is based on lie than its hard to survived. one more thing she stop talking to her ex boyfriend. she still talking to their common guy friend which i never mind.its about trust...if someone lie one time how you will believe he never will lie again...some time we have lie 100 time to cover up lie....i just want she admit her mistake and never tell me again im the only one she slept....that all...i try my best she accept it as she accept she had very close so called best friends.....


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sam5337 said:


> guys its nothing to do with religion.its about honesty and love..i don't care about her past.i care about our future.if the foundation of marriage is based on lie than its hard to survived. one more thing she stop talking to her ex boyfriend. she still talking to their common guy friend which i never mind.its about trust...if someone lie one time how you will believe he never will lie again...some time we have lie 100 time to cover up lie....i just want she admit her mistake and never tell me again im the only one she slept....that all...i try my best she accept it as she accept she had very close so called best friends.....


Be careful about her relationship with that common guy friend. EAs happen and can be very subtle to start out. If they are discussing your marriage and / or there are more than an email / text here and there then you should keep an eye on that.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I'd be PO'd if i found out my wife lied about her s3xual past. Think about it, u meet someone, and they lead onto you that they've only had a few partners, and then you find out... its more along the lines of 20. And btw, one of those 20... she is still in contact with. Talk about your multiple RED FLAGS!!!


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## dutton47 (Sep 29, 2011)

You wrote virtually the same letter as DeeKay1 last year. What's up? I hope this is not a troll.


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## sam5337 (Sep 6, 2011)

dutton47.....its almost same story.....i just have problem about lie.....i believe if you love someone you should not lie.....the foundation of your love should be strong....


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

If you don't have children yet, resign from this marriage immediately. Count yourself lucky you are not on the
receiving end of paternity fraud.


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

Frankly, it appears to me that your wife has still some feelings towards ex as seeing her ex-bfs out of blue e-mailed to her. Most of case such as this, once got relationship either current or past, it's very hard to wipe off itimate feelings on which you appear to me hard to comprehend due to your minimum experience on relationship. Also, it's not uncommon even married folks want both the marriage and out-side love, bf or close male friend.

As to your concern, I would suggest, ... first you need to talk to your wife about your feelings of betrayal and ask her why she lied to you, virginity.

You're saying that you love your wife, however you already NOT able to trust her any longer after your finding of her past. Love should be based on Trust. You need to decide whether you could tolerate her dishonesty, ... because your wife probably keeps refusing to tell you the truth. On the top of this, she knows her telling the truth would jeopardize the marriage. Then, you need to decide whether you could continue to live with her under the same roof. It's all up to you, ... because, probably she does not want to break up the mariage due to her past and dishonesty... she'd feel a failure.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Zombie thread!


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