# Should I go back?



## MsPeanut (Nov 8, 2010)

Ladies, I seriously need some girl talk here. I recently left my fiance out of the blue, no warning or anything, just up and disappeared. He hunted me down, called me and says he wants me back and I don't know what to do. I still love him so very much, and can't imagine living without him. So why did I leave?

Last year when I was fired seems to be when things really began to go downhill. I used to work at the same company as him, it was what brought us together. Sharing our work day was special as we could relate very well to all the issues at hand for each other. Both our positions were under the same manager, so it was nice to vent to someone who understood. Once I was gone, that disappeared and the distance between us began. The job he has is extremely stressful, and demands his attentions quite frequently after hours. He started at the bottom of the ladder, and is now second in command. He's worked very hard to get where he is, but at the expense of our relationship, as he focused heavily on achieving his work goals and as he puts it stopped living for me instead of himself. 

He's the type that thinks problems will just go away if they are ignored long enough; I'm the type to want to talk things out no matter what. Well, some issues arose during the past year that prompted me wanting to talk it out and it erupted into a sad time, with each event getting worse. So as things progressed I began to just shut up and not say anything for fear of making things worse. But all it did was to fuel my fears and breed assumptions which fueled my fears more. *vicious cycle*

In actuality it made things very bad, as my resentment and frustration rose I came to the solution of running away in lieu of putting forth any effort into my "family". Now, not only do I feel like I don't want to go on because I'm so sad without him, but also feel I've got to stop running when things get tough (I've done this twice before, not with him) 

I want to go back, if I do where do we begin to start over and repair the problems?


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I'm not a lady, but i'm assumed they'd request "specific" details. You said alot...without really saying anything so to speak.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MsPeanut said:


> He's the type that thinks problems will just go away if they are ignored long enough; I'm the type to want to talk things out no matter what. Well, some issues arose during the past year that prompted me wanting to talk it out and it erupted into a sad time, with each event getting worse. So as things progressed I began to just shut up and not say anything for fear of making things worse. But all it did was to fuel my fears and breed assumptions which fueled my fears more. *vicious cycle*


Yes, that's a vicious cycle and I can relate. 
Re: communication, my husband is like your fiance (ignore it and it'll go away) and I'm like you (talk about it to resolution).

If you both are serious about wanting to be together, it is possible to find a middle road in your communication that works for both of you and meets both your needs. Maybe you need to clear the air from the issues that came up, and he needs to move on without dwelling on them. Both are valid.

Counseling with a third party is helping us find that middle ground of communication. 

It sounds like you both want it to work; are you both receptive to counseling?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Breaking up is always hard. In fact, breaking up makes life even harder because of all these feelings you are going through right now. They get stronger and seemingly unmanageable. You didn't feel this desperate before leaving. One way to help yourself deal with these strong feelings of love and missing him is to remember why you left. Then ask yourself why, despite these strong feelings, would you go back just for the same cycle to start all over again.

If you think it is worth another try, then make sure you don't return unless he commits to actively join you in improving the relationship. If you were unhappy in the relationship, then it doesn't make sense to return to your misery. Working to improve things so both your needs are met is the only solution. Ask him to attend counseling with you, but don't go back until he SHOWS commitment and attends several sessions.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

I agree completely with River1977. My husband is the same type also and once you are married it is much harder to leave and if your partner will not discuss problems, work toward resolution and learn to compromise then you will probably not be happy. I am struggling with that situation now after 12 years of marriage. We have had these issues really impact our marriage for about 4 or 5 years now and we go through that same vicious cycle, and it is really tiring. It drains your energy and happiness and the cycle is hard to break. Maybe go back with him, but limit the time you see each other and only do it if you both go for counseling. Give it 2-3 months to see if you think the situation could improve. If you do decide to leave the counseling can also make you stronger and help with your sadness.


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