# Step son ruining my marriage



## Ilovethisplace

Hello everyone! I need your advice on my situation please. I have been married to my wonderful husband for 2 years now. Together we have 2 sons same age (13) from previous marriages. They do not get along at all. Totally different personalities which is fine. I have never gotten along with my step son though. I find him to be very annoying and rude. Before I married my husband he let run the house pretty much. He had NO manners at all. None of my family can stand him, they find him to be loud and annoying. He has to talk to everyone can hear him, and has to be the center of attention. He thinks he is "all that" when it comes to sports and it drives me insane. He is not that good, and I just want to knock him down a few notches. I know he is only 13 and has been through a lot ect...but he is a teenager now and it is time for him to grow up. My son is also 13 and has been through the same. He is respectful, and goes out of his way to help others. He is spending his summer mowing lawns and working. My stepson is doing nothing but being loud and driving me nuts. He doesn't talk to me unless he wants something or wants to brag about sports. I have tried to talk to my husband but all he says is " he is being a kid". Even my husbands brother complains (in a nice way). He could hear my step son from 3 baseball fields away bragging about what hit he "almost" had. He brags about making the board at school when it was his mom that wrote the letter for him. So HE didn't do the work, his mom did. Sorry this is long, I am just so frustrated and at my wits end with what to do. Thanks!


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## that_girl

You knew this was how his kid was before marriage? You knew how you husband dealt with him (or didn't)?

I'd say you can't really do anything about it.


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## renascent

He's a 13yr old kid. Give him a break.


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## Revamped

First of all, quit comparing two children. They are as different as night and day.

Second of all, welcome to Teenagehood! That mouthy, awkward time of life when they're testing the waters trying to find out who they are. So be patient. And somewhat flexible. And extremely firm in your beliefs in what is expected behavior in the home.

You and your husband need to have a serious talk about boundaries and consequences. You have a "rule follower" and he has a "rule breaker." I can tell already it will not be an easy five year period.


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## Hicks

All I can say is wow.
You chose this, he did not.
You are an adult, he is not.
Start acting like the adult that made this choice. Start seeing him as the child angry that his parents got divorced and his father forced him to live with you.


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## that_girl

I have a rule follower and a rule breaker and they both came from my body.

I just read a lot of negativity against this boy. Don't think he doesn't know it too. Why marry someone if you don't like their kids?


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## 3Xnocharm

Sorry to say, but you KNEW what you were getting into. If you couldnt stand this kid, then you shouldnt have married his dad. With that said, you dont stand much chance of anything changing as long as his dad isnt on board with you about it.


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## Openminded

A spouse's child(ren) from a prior marriage/relationship is often the reason a subsequent marriage/relationship fails. You must have known going in what your stepson was like. Your husband thinks he's just fine so that's not going to change. So can you live with it? Because he's not going away.


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## ladybird

Let me say I have 3 step kids, they have not always been nice, they brag about things? I know its not always easy.. They are all totally different and have different personalities. I love them all as if they were my own children, no matter what.. 
You see all your step sons flaws. You have negative feelings toward him, thats obvious and he knows you dont like him.. Everything you have discribed seems pretty petty you just dont like him for some reason other then stated. He is still a child!

Hes 13, a teenager they are so annoying at times. Do you ever sit down with him and get to know him? What he likes, dislikes? I know all 3 of mine very well, they call me mom..even though Ive never asked them to. They know I love them like my own and ive treated them as my own!


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## EleGirl

He's an awkward, insecure 13 year old. That's what a lot of 13 year olds are like. Welcome to the teen years. 

If I was married to someone who wrote something like you did about my son we'd be in counseling so that you, the adult, could learn how to be a step parent. If you did not go or did not find a way to love my son I'd divorce you. 

Your husband's son was in his life before you. He's the only dad this kid has. He's the only man who can protect him from mean spirited people. 

I know that step parenting can be hard as I raised two step children and my son. I only wish that your 'problem' you post about was the worst that I had to deal with I raising my step kid. I would feel blessed.

Ok so my post is been a bit hard on you. I know that. But I wrote it as I did to wake you up. Your attitude towards a child is going to ruin your marriage. It could lead to a divorce.

Please get into counseling both individual and marriage and learn to step parent in a way that makes you one of the lights in this boy's life. If the boy needs counseling get his father to take him to that was well. Maybe all of you need family counseling to learn to blend.

My two step kids were handfuls. I took the approach I'm suggesting above. There were times when they acted like they hated me.. well I think that they did. But I always told that that they did not have to love me. But in my home I'm "mom" and they have to respect "mom". 

They are 24/27 now. both of them turned around. They have since told me that I, not their parents, am the one person who never gave up on them. I'm the reason that they worked through their trauma (bad bad trauma). And that they love me as their mother. We even now have talked about and laughed about the hell they put me through. They have apologized so many times for being so hard to deal with.

My point is that if you stay married to your husband, his son is a permanent part of your life. You don't have to be his mother. He has one (my step kids did not really have a mother who participated.) But the quality of your relationship with your husband and this kid is mostly up to you. Right now the path you are choosing is not healthy for anyone.


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## Arendt

I could tell you what I was like at 13 and you'd be grateful for that kid, believe me. My parents went through hell. Loud bragging? You could be dealing with a LOT worse (drugs, violence, etc).


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## EleGirl

Arendt said:


> I could tell you what I was like at 13 and you'd be grateful for that kid, believe me. My parents went through hell. Loud bragging? You could be dealing with a LOT worse (drugs, violence, etc).


Hi, are you really my step son??? :rofl:


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## Arendt

My teenage years are the reason I don't want kids


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## committed4ever

Awww go easy on the little fella. That's such an awkward, difficult age. Try to tell yourself you are going to love him unconditionally. You will be able to discipline him if you love him unconditionally. If you don't, all you will do is punish him for his failures.


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## Arendt

Not only that, but he's bragging and such because he's deeply insecure. He's trying to cover up all the shame and feelings of inadequacy that he likely has not only over the divorce his parents went through but about his own image and abilities. He could be dealing with those things in much more unhealthy ways as I said. Drugs, alcohol, bullying other kids and beating them up, etc. All in all, bragging is not the worst way for him to try to get some respect for himself, though it won't work for him in the long run.

If he senses that you don't respect him he'll likely be worse around you. I would have been. The best thing you can do is be kind and caring to him despite his obvious flaws. It will help his self-esteem. Don't reward him for the bragging so much as when he does the occasional nice thing and when he's just chilling out. When you hear the bragging and bravado just remember he's dealing with pain...he might not seem like it, but that bragging covers up some deep-seated insecurities. Having a step-mother who clearly dislikes him only exacerbates that issue. It will make him brag more not less.


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## Wolf1974

Have to agree with others here. If you were coming prior to marriage and asking for advice I would say don't get married. But since you saw this and married anyway now you're stuck. Does your husband see the same problems with him as you do? If he does their is hope. If not he will likely not want to try counseling and won't let discipline him. Then you're screwed .


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## that_girl

Break some rules. Arm everyone with nerf guns and play. Boys like that kinda stuff lol.


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## Thundarr

I don't know Ilovethisplace. This isn't easy stuff. Seems like everyone else is defending your stepson but that's the safe answer. Raise them both so they become responsible, happy, healthy adults who love each other and treat others right is the more correct long term goal.

They say marriage is for adults. Well marriage with step children is for TWO adults who are able to rise above their instincts and see things logically as well. It's very hard to do and I don't think most people are capable (maybe I wasn't? but my fingers are crossed.) which mean most couples are exponentially incapable.

Everything you think about your stepson has to be from a place of feeling responsible for his future well being. The same applies to your husband thinking of your son. You may have to kick your husband out of vicarious pride of his son's athletic ability. You also may need to kick yourself out of your protective mom mode. 

Bottom line, these are two thirteen year old boys who need you and your husband to raise them so they are able to deal with life. Try really hard not to let it become a "well your son....." and then your husband say "well your son.....". You won't be perfect at it but that's the goal.


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## AliceA

I can understand why it's hard to learn to love the child. I don't think it's just an automatic thing; you meet someone, you meet their child, you love their child... if only. It takes a long time to love a child. To love them for them, not just because they're a child I mean. Yes, easy to be protective of a child, easy to say you love them, not so easy to mean it, when they are not your own, and doubly hard when they're not likeable people.

I can see what everyone else is saying. Unfortunately they are right in a way. You should never have married someone when you couldn't stand being around their child. It's just not the right thing to do to the child. It was also a bad decision for your own child who now has a step brother he doesn't like either.

Nobody considered his feelings in all this. Man and woman decided to marry, regardless of the consequences on their own children. He married a woman who couldn't love his child, and you married him knowing you weren't the right person to bring up his child.

Either you exit the situation or do a better job.


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## Happilymarried25

There is nothing you can do about it. You are just the step mom. Children are the number one reason there is a 70% divorce rate for second marriages. He doesn't sound like a bad kid. Accept him or get out of the marriage.


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## Laurel

Ilovethisplace said:


> Hello everyone! I need your advice on my situation please. I have been married to my wonderful husband for 2 years now. Together we have 2 sons same age (13) from previous marriages. They do not get along at all. Totally different personalities which is fine. I have never gotten along with my step son though. I find him to be very annoying and rude. Before I married my husband he let run the house pretty much. He had NO manners at all. None of my family can stand him, they find him to be loud and annoying. He has to talk to everyone can hear him, and has to be the center of attention. He thinks he is "all that" when it comes to sports and it drives me insane. He is not that good, and I just want to knock him down a few notches. I know he is only 13 and has been through a lot ect...but he is a teenager now and it is time for him to grow up. My son is also 13 and has been through the same. He is respectful, and goes out of his way to help others. He is spending his summer mowing lawns and working. My stepson is doing nothing but being loud and driving me nuts. He doesn't talk to me unless he wants something or wants to brag about sports. I have tried to talk to my husband but all he says is " he is being a kid". Even my husbands brother complains (in a nice way). He could hear my step son from 3 baseball fields away bragging about what hit he "almost" had. He brags about making the board at school when it was his mom that wrote the letter for him. So HE didn't do the work, his mom did. Sorry this is long, I am just so frustrated and at my wits end with what to do. Thanks!


It sounds like you view your stepson as an interloper in your perfect family life that you feel includes your husband and own son only. Your stepson is not ruining your marriage, you are. 

You talk about how you and your whole family "can't stand" a 13-year-old kid like it is something to be proud of. He's not dangerous, he's not violent, not into drugs. He talks too loud and brags too much and just generally annoys you. Like others have said, it is most likely overcompensation and insecurity. Particularly since he has this angelically perfect stepbrother (your son) who he always gets the pleasure of being compared to. Maybe he is sick of hearing YOU brag about your own son. That kind of thing would only make him more insecure. 

You seem to want to convince your husband to be just as annoyed by his son as you are. How would you feel if your husband started criticizing YOUR perfect in your eyes son about things you felt were minor and "just being a kid." I highly doubt you would appreciate it very much and would be very offended. No matter how much you wish it could be - your husband is not going to wake up one day and decide he "can't stand" his son, like you and the rest of your family. 

You admit he has been through a lot but now it's just time for him to magically grow up at age 13. But apparently with no support or compassion from you. You have no idea what the kid is feeling and what he has been through. And he is a different person than your son, their experiences are not the same even though you say they are. No one likes to be compared to others. The fact is you are the adult here. You married your husband knowing he came as a package deal with his son. Complaining about how you "just want to knock him down a few notches" and how he is thinks he is "all that" but is wrong makes you sound very immature and frankly, mean. 

It sounds like he has a mother, so I assume he is not with you full time, so at least you get a break from the annoyance of his presence? 

Anyway, I don't mean to be harsh, it's just I knew someone very close to me that grew up with a hateful stepparent that made no secret of not wanting them around, and it was a very damaging experience, which has made me sensitive to this kind of thing.


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## happy as a clam

Arendt said:


> *Having a step-mother who clearly dislikes him only exacerbates that issue.* It will make him brag more not less.


And don't think HE doesn't perceive YOUR dislike and disdain for him.

YOU are the adult... HE is a child. Yes, 13 is still a child, no matter how c*cky he is.

YOU need counseling to help you learn some empathy, to help you learn to stop comparing your "better" son to your "lacking" stepson, to help you learn to love unconditionally.

If you persist with this attitude against your stepson your new marriage will fail, just as most blended marriages/families fail.

Your post makes me very sad...


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## EleGirl

I guess the OP is gone. Too bad.


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## frusdil

I am a stepmum to my beautiful bonus daughter. I cannot imagine my life without her, and if hubby and I are lucky enough to be blessed with our own child, she will be their big sister - no half/step anything. We're a family. My family accepts and loves her as our own as well.

That poor child didn't ask for his parents to divorce, he didn't pick you, or your son yet he's forced to live with the two of you, knowing you don't like him and are constantly comparing him to your "perfect" son.

You should not have married his father in the first place.


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