# Lessons learned being an OM, #1- your wife IS the type and she does have the time



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The first thing I was to make chrystal clear to everyone is there is no "type" of woman (or man for that matter) that is immune to or above having an affair. 

If the conditions are right and the right offer and right circumstances come along, anyone can do it. I don't care how religious or pious or seemingly faithful and loyal your spouse presents herself/himself to be, if the circumstances are right and the offer is right - it can occur and it can occur very rapidly. 

The thing many BHs have trouble with is their WW may seem very disinterested in sex or romance and may even seem downright asexual. But the catch is they may not be interested or enthusiastic in sex with THEM. They may be having hot, sweaty, breathless porn sex with their OM. 

Another thing that shocks many BHs is the OM is often not a great catch in terms of being a BF or husband or father. He may not even be that good looking ( several of the BHs of my WWs were better looking and made a lot better $$ than me. One was in med school at the time and is now a very highly paid specialist) 

MW are not like single women in terms of looking for mate vs hook ups. Single women have 2.75 x 10 to the 25th power of check off boxes that they need to check off before they will get serious with someone...… and they have a field of countless men throughout the whole world to choose from. 

A WW really only has a couple check off boxes for a hook up and those are - 'does he turn me on sexually?' and ' can he keep it on the downlow?'

If some dude can check off those two things - that is good enough. Remember, she already has the dutiful husband and father that has already checked off the 10,000 boxes at home. Now she only needs someone that makes her jay-jay tingle and can keep it discrete. 

-Another critical thing to keep in mind is this process may not take a long period of time. 

Single women may need to be wined and dined and have moonlight walks on the beach and deep conversations about dreams and goals and feelings and life-plans etc. 

A bored and frustrated married woman who's life has been about balancing work and house and screaming kids for years may only need a wicked grin and wink along with some tattoo'd biceps and abz and she is now giving a BJ in the back parking lot. 

It's critical to understand that trysts can literally take place in MINUTES. 

I have had WWs call me and tell me that they will be at my house shortly and that they will only have 5 minutes...… and they made good on that 5 minutes. One literally swung by my house after dropping the kids off at school and had to be back at the house before her husband wondered where she was. It happens that fast. 

These were normal wives and mothers and people that you work beside at work and sing next to in church on Sunday morning. There was nothing outwardly unusual or anything that would give you an indication that she would be kissing the kids good bye in the drop-off lane at school one minute..... and getting filled up bareback by me a few minutes later.

…...oh yeah, that brings up issue - condom use...….. no way. WWs WANT TO GET FILLED UP BY ANOTHER MAN'S SPERM - or swallow it. Or have it shot all over their face or ass or whatever. 

I'll address that in another post, but affair sex is porn sex and beyond. It ain't pretty and it ain't loving or sensual or the stuff of romance novels. It is down and dirty and nasty and very high intensity and passionate. 

So the come-away I want to make with this post is dispel the notion that some woman is to sweet and innocent or too religious or pure to have an affair. Church ladies are just as likely to take a lover on the side as the stripper. 

All it takes is deadly cocktail of boredom, marital fatigue, a loss of a sense of sexuality in the marriage (ie swamped with work, kids, house work, stress, bills, etc ) a husband who sits on the couch playing video games getting fat or gone at work all the time, or a woman who just simply feels like she has lost her sexy and her sense of self. 

…...and then when Sven at hot yoga class smiles and winks at her and makes her feel attractive and sexy again, that rush of hormones and feelings of youth and vitality come flooding back in again. 

It might take an argument at home over who picks up diapers next or it may take BH forgetting to drop off the permission slip for the field trip at school and suddenly Sven is there telling her how hot and nice she is and that only a first class Ahole that doesn't care about her would forget to drop off a permission slip and a few minutes later they are meeting up at the park a few blocks from the yoga studio. 

I'm not kidding or exaggerating - that is how it often works. 

There's no one that is immune or incapable. 

And if someone has 5 minutes out of their day that can go unaccounted for, they have the time.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I didn't even need to read anything beyond the first two paragraphs.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This is a very disturbing but intimately helpful post, I believe it and I think most BH should understand that this right here is who their wives are. Not some tricked child who didn't know what they were doing. The other type of affair being the long term one that happens with an acquaintance which has a different dynamic. 

The only thing I don't agree with is that anyone can do it, I think anyone can have the desire to do it, but what it takes is a lack of character. There are very definite people out there whose character and keeping their promises are more important then getting off. This may be outside of your social circle but they are there. I think you have tapped into a certain type of women in your experience and yes that come in all walks of life.


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## Imajerk17 (Apr 10, 2018)

Thought-provoking post @oldshirt. I salute you for posting this as I know you will get some heat. I am curious though--how did you get the ball rolling? How long did it take to go from having not met her to sleeping with her? How did it go down?

[I am curious more from the position of "playing defense" as opposed to "playing offense".]

I absolutely agree with you though that very few women if any really have low sex drives. They may tell their husbands and even themselves this as a way to assuage their guilt


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

> If the conditions are right and the right offer and right circumstances come along, anyone can do it. I don't care how religious or pious or seemingly faithful and loyal your spouse presents herself/himself to be, if the circumstances are right and the offer is right - it can occur and it can occur very rapidly.



I speak for myself, I'm a woman, and this is 100%, absolutely wrong. I had a very bad marriage where I was HD and neglected. Many of my needs weren't met. I never considered cheating. I would never cheat on a partner/spouse. I'm not ever going to do something that goes against my honor, integrity and beliefs no matter what "conditions" present themselves. That's just gross, imo. I wouldn't be with my spouse/partner if I didn't respect and love them. I wouldn't do something so selfish and hurtful. The thought of it makes me want to vomit. So no, I don't care if I'm unhappy, going through a rough patch, etc. I wouldn't ever do it. And I'm pushing 40 so I know myself very well.




> A bored and frustrated married woman who's life has been about balancing work and house and screaming kids for years may only need a wicked grin and wink along with some tattoo'd biceps and abz and she is now giving a BJ in the back parking lot.



This, quite frankly, is insulting.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

azimuth said:


> I speak for myself, I'm a woman, and this is 100%, absolutely wrong. I had a very bad marriage where I was HD and neglected. Many of my needs weren't met. I never considered cheating. I would never cheat on a partner/spouse. I'm not ever going to do something that goes against my honor, integrity and beliefs no matter what "conditions" present themselves. That's just gross, imo. I wouldn't be with my spouse/partner if I didn't respect and love them. I wouldn't do something so selfish and hurtful. The thought of it makes me want to vomit. So no, I don't care if I'm unhappy, going through a rough patch, etc. I wouldn't ever do it. And I'm pushing 40 so I know myself very well.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I am a Man and I am 100% exactly like you, my integrity is monumentally more important to me then my orgasm. Just not even close. I personally think there are cheaters and non-cheaters.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

The one who thinks they are above it is vulnerable.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I genuinely don't understand why adultery is such a sacred cow? 

I rarely hear anyone go on so about taking the Lord's name in vain or disrespecting parents or coveting? Maybe because we can cover up those failings so much easier? Or perhaps they simply aren't taken that seriously?

This particular weakness really seems to get people going.

Although I agree with you that it's a character issue, the problem with your argument is that every single person has character flaws.

If I could take you apart and put your life under scrutiny, I'd eventually find your hidden offenses. You aren't immune. 

You may not be tempted to do this particular thing, but there's something you're guilty of.





sokillme said:


> The only thing I don't agree with is that anyone can do it, I think anyone can have the desire to do it, but what it takes is a lack of character. There are very definite people out there whose character and keeping their promises are more important then getting off. This may be outside of your social circle but they are there. I think you have tapped into a certain type of women in your experience and yes that come in all walks of life.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

azimuth said:


> I speak for myself, I'm a woman, and this is 100%, absolutely wrong. I had a very bad marriage where I was HD and neglected. Many of my needs weren't met. I never considered cheating. I would never cheat on a partner/spouse. I'm not ever going to do something that goes against my honor, integrity and beliefs no matter what "conditions" present themselves. That's just gross, imo. I wouldn't be with my spouse/partner if I didn't respect and love them. I wouldn't do something so selfish and hurtful. The thought of it makes me want to vomit. So no, I don't care if I'm unhappy, going through a rough patch, etc. I wouldn't ever do it. And I'm pushing 40 so I know myself very well.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I knew going into this that there would be a chorus of men and women yelling NOT ME! from the rooftops. 

I absolutely do not intend these posts to be insulting to anyone or to point fingers or say that any one individual is or is not a cheater. I commend and honor your integrity and ethics and do not mean to imply in any way that you are anything but an honorable and upstanding person. 

But I will stand by my statement and assertion that anyone is capable of it. It is just a series of circumstances and a series of decisions away. 

If Brad Pitt (I'm speaking figuratively here to represent a handsome, charming, sexy, successful, high-status male) were to come along at the right time with the right bill of goods and make the right offer - your whole situation may have been completely different. 

It is a conscious choice either way. Some choose to cheat. Some choose not to. 

I'm not saying everyone cheats. I'm saying no one is immune. 

Everyone that has ever cheated, at some point in their life stomped their feet and got indignant and stated with conviction that they would never cheat. 

And then the right combination of things at home and things with the AP all culminated into clothes hitting the floor. 

Your combination of circumstances thus far lead you to choose not to cheat. The circumstances may be such going forward that you will continue to choose not to until your last breath. 

Or the next set of circumstances might be that you do choose to. 

My point is not that you will or you won't...……. my point is no one is immune and there is no one that absolutely will not regardless of circumstances. On that point I won't waiver no matter how good and honorable someone may be. Noone knows what tomorrow may bring. 

My point to all of this is a warning to all to not be naïve and assume that your SO is not "The Type." Anyone can do it.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

minimalME said:


> I genuinely don't understand why adultery is such a sacred cow?
> 
> I rarely hear anyone go on so about taking the Lord's name in vain or disrespecting parents or coveting? Maybe because we can cover up those failings so much easier? Or perhaps they simply aren't taken that seriously?
> 
> ...


 Well of course the worst sin someone can commit is whatever sin I am not committing lol


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> I'm not saying everyone cheats. I'm saying no one is immune.


QFT.

I'm in lock step with you on this one.

Forewarned is definitely forearmed when it comes to infidelity.

Some folks are definitely more ready to fend it off if the circumstances are right and never succumb.

Others don't think it pertains to them and sometimes go through life without being challenged while others......

If you are human, you have the capability of doing pretty much anything regardless of how low it is.

Knowing that is most of the battle in avoiding choices you never want to make.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I didn't even need to read anything beyond the first two paragraphs.


Yeah, me neither.

OP seems to think women are impulsive slaves to their hormones, have no capacity for emotional-regulation and, don’t know bull**** when it is presented to them (by an OM or anyone else).


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

azimuth said:


> I speak for myself, I'm a woman, and this is 100%, absolutely wrong. I had a very bad marriage where I was HD and neglected. Many of my needs weren't met. I never considered cheating. I would never cheat on a partner/spouse. I'm not ever going to do something that goes against my honor, integrity and beliefs no matter what "conditions" present themselves. That's just gross, imo. I wouldn't be with my spouse/partner if I didn't respect and love them. I wouldn't do something so selfish and hurtful. The thought of it makes me want to vomit. So no, I don't care if I'm unhappy, going through a rough patch, etc. I wouldn't ever do it. And I'm pushing 40 so I know myself very well.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think it comes down to whether not in your own head, you feel like you have hit rock bottom. All of the terrible things that happened to you may not have been your worst case scenario. 

We see a lot of people come to this board in the most outlandish situations and they still haven't hit rock bottom. It makes you wonder where the floor actually is. Some people have a much higher tolerance for bull**** than others. That's probably a good thing, because we would probably have a lot more mass shootings.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Red Sonja said:


> Yeah, me neither.
> 
> OP seems to think women are impulsive slaves to their hormones, have no capacity for emotional-regulation and, don’t know bull**** when it is presented to them (by an OM or anyone else).


It's hard to believe OP put the OM in a darker light than most of us already assumed was the case. Prey upon those exhibiting weakness. Use them for your own purposes. Move on quickly to the next.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Jus260 said:


> I think it comes down to whether not in your own head, you feel like you have hit rock bottom. All of the terrible things that happened to you may not have been your worst case scenario.
> 
> We see a lot of people come to this board in the most outlandish situations and they still haven't hit rock bottom. It makes you wonder where the floor actually is. Some people have a much higher tolerance for bull**** than others. That's probably a good thing, because we would probably have a lot more mass shootings.


But whether or not one chooses to cheat may be independent of how close they are to "rock bottom" or "tolerance for bull****."

Why would hitting rock bottom have a response of cheating rather than a response of fixing what is wrong (i.e. leaving a toxic relationship)? For those who are self aware and wise, their behavior is not controlled as mere responses to external inputs. To the extent that that external input influences the response, there are always choices as to which response is appropriate.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

No l don't believe women are slave's to their hormones, but just have not had the right old shirt to put on.... So to speak.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> There's no one that is immune or incapable.


We do not have to be immune, or incapable, to not act out on our temptations. We just have to recognize temptation for being what it is. If we have built our lives around devotion, honor and commitment, in an unthinking way (not pretending to be noble or actively self-sacrificing), we will weather the storm. We may still encounter situations in which we find the attention flattering and ego-inflating. Seriously, I think that's good for the soul once in a while, reminds us we've got something on tap. But that's as far as it goes. 

People tell me women hit on me all the time at my place of business, but I generally don't notice it. Generally. Once in a while you get someone overly flirtatious in a physical way, and you're wanting to think it's not intentional that they're bent over the counter a certain way and you walk around for a safer view. No, it doesn't happen that often. And you wonder if you completely mis-read the situation. But the confession part is that it does make you feel good about yourself. Maybe it shouldn't?

There was only one time that I had to directly turn an invitation down. Before Christmas a few years back, in line at CVS (pharmacy). Attractive business woman behind me in line, and I don't recall how the conversation came up, but somebody must have said something drawing parallels to lines at the airport, and so began a conversation about the joys of flying between two "elites" (the sort of people "Up in the Air" was about). And she asked if I'd like to go for a drink. OMG no woman has ever asked me out for a drink, even my wife. Might have been just for casual conversation, maybe she was from out of the area. I declined, and I don't remember what I said, but I'd be lying if I recalled it was something about having to get home to the wife and kids.

And to this day, I wonder. What did I pass up? Not a chance that I wished I hadn't. Not then, not now. But you wonder. Is that wrong? Is that how it starts? I don't think so.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Things will down as the first post describes.

Though not for everyone. Some people will never cheat.

Some people will never cheat because they will not look to
cheat.

Some people will not cheat because they are not looking to cheat
and they are not being hit on.

Some people always said they would never cheat. And they never did.
Until the once in a lifetime chance to bed George Clooney, Brad Pitt.
Or Scarlet Johansson, Hollywood star, or a super model.

Some say they never will cheat, turned down temptations, and maybe 
that was because they never got an offer for a mere mortal to refuse.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> The thing many BHs have trouble with is their WW may seem very disinterested in sex or romance and may even seem downright asexual. But the catch is they may not be interested or enthusiastic in sex with THEM. They may be having hot, sweaty, breathless porn sex with their OM.
> 
> . and getting filled up bareback by me a few minutes later.
> 
> ...


OP, so when the WW's say sex was not that good with the OM they are telling the truth 
or lying?


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## Nrecnocymton (Jan 12, 2017)

Regardless of what the OP states in his first couple paragraphs, there is a percentage of the population that under NO circumstances will cheat. It's a percentage lower than most probably think, but it's significant and it's there. Enough with this threads initial assertion.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Red Sonja said:


> Yeah, me neither.
> 
> OP seems to think women are impulsive slaves to their hormones, have no capacity for emotional-regulation and, don’t know bull**** when it is presented to them (by an OM or anyone else).


DEAD WRONG. 

Read the posts in their entirety. You will see that I am describing women who have complete agency over their own sexualities making conscious choices and being active participants in their own behaviors.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

I went through, let’s call it a phase, and cheated pretty spectacularly. 

Generalizations are just that, and there will always be exceptions to the rules. 

For example I agreed with everything oldshirt said, except for the condoms part. Personally I am deathly afraid of pregnancy (I never want kids) and I am very serious about taking measures to avoid it. Even the OM, who claimed to have proof of a vasectomy had to wrap it up. Besides.... STDs, while I understand there is no contact that is risk free - I take my precautions, part of that was never ever not for a moment having intercourse without a condom. 

As for the men, sure there were some that I am guessing were suspected of not honoring their marriage. Like the jet setting high powered exec that was usually busy world traveling. 

But there was also the “good Christian” family man, active in the church, Board of Trustees etc - but also had a “secret” life. 

Many gloated about having their cake and eating it too. Shared the insights of this insidious club. I encountered a fair bit of narcissism and little remorse. These were high achievers and it seemed that they felt entitled to cheat. That the rules didn’t apply to them. 

And I am not trying to vilify them, I was right there being just as deplorable. 

While we can attempt to generalize affairs, each will also be unique. 



oldtruck said:


> OP, so when the WW's say sex was not that good with the OM they are telling the truth or lying?


Well what defines “good”? And do we really think all affair sex is the same?

I would say in my experience it was universally exciting, the fact that it’s illicit amplifies things. 

Does being an OM mean being an excellent lover? No, definitely not.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

the external input influenced my response by lacking the fortitude to start with lesson #1 and going straight to lesson 2 first and responding.

If I was truly self aware I should have posted to lesson #1 first and then post To lesson #2

I think my behavior is so out of controll, that I even posted to lesson #3 then posted to lesson #1


Who does that????


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

the guy said:


> the external input influenced my response by lacking the fortitude to start with lesson #1 and going straight to lesson 2 first and responding.
> 
> If I was truly self aware I should have posted to lesson #1 first and then post To lesson #2
> 
> ...


You're obviously not thinking right!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> If the conditions are right and the right offer and right circumstances come along, anyone *can* do it.


But then it's up to the individual whether they *would* do it or not.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:smthumbup:

Wait what happened to lesson #3?
Old went straight to lesson #4!


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

"Can" everyone cheat? Sure. 

"Can" everyone murder someone? Sure

But they don't.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> …...oh yeah, that brings up issue - condom use...….. no way. WWs WANT TO GET FILLED UP BY ANOTHER MAN'S SPERM - or swallow it. Or have it shot all over their face or ass or whatever.
> 
> -Condom use is rare (and I only say rare because there are always exceptions to everything) When a WW makes the choice to cheat (yes, it is a choice) She WANTS another man's sperm in her and on her. If she's going to risk her marriage, home and family, it is going to be for the full experience and not some neat and tidy, watered down substitution. If you are forcing some kind of confession, she may say they always used a condom...…..but they didn't.


There is a man on Reddit that didn’t know who his biological father was. His adult children ordered DNA kits to find out their ancestry. It turned out that his oldest two children were not biologically his but his youngest was.

His wife admitted that she had an affair for years. She said she assumed that her children were his but knew that they could be the OM’s.

*What drives me crazy is why she and her OM couldn’t use condoms especially after the first kid.
*
https://www.reddit.com/r/survivingi...ate_i_havent_been_on_reddit_in_quite_a_while/

Edit:



oldshirt said:


> which lead me to the fact that it is not uncommon for WWs to screw their BHs soon after the OM. While many WWs lose all respect and desire for their BH and their marital sexlife basically dies during the A,,, Other WWs get a wave of hormones and a spike in libido that carries over into the marital bed and some simply make a conscious choice to screw their BHs soon after the OM so keep the BH from getting suspicious or in case they get pregnant from the OM to keep the ultrasound from giving them away. Yes this really happens.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldtruck said:


> OP, so when the WW's say sex was not that good with the OM they are telling the truth
> or lying?


Just to give the benefit of the doubt, If they say a ONS wasn't that good then there is a 75% chance they are lying. 

If they ever went back for seconds after the first time, then 100% chance they're lying. 

Here's the thing - affairs are work. And there is great risk. 

People aren't going to go to that level and put themselves and their lifestyles at that great of risk for bad or even lackluster sex. 

If they went back for seconds, then it was good.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Red Sonja said:


> Yeah, me neither.
> 
> OP seems to think women are impulsive slaves to their hormones, have no capacity for emotional-regulation and, don’t know bull**** when it is presented to them (by an OM or anyone else).


And here’s me thinking it was only men who thought with their little heads..........>


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Graywolf2 said:


> There is a man on Reddit that didn’t know who his biological father was. His adult children ordered DNA kits to find out their ancestry. It turned out that his oldest two children were not biologically his but his youngest was.
> 
> His wife admitted that she had an affair for years. She said she assumed that her children were his but knew that they could be the OM’s.
> 
> ...


Even worse - the guy diagnosed at 53 years old with cystic fibrosis and told that he has never been able to father children naturally. Yet, he and his wife, married for 20 years, raised three boys that he thought were his. He was diagnosed in 2016, the boys were born in 1995 and 1999 (twins). They divorced in 2008, and she allowed him to pay her more than $5m in support. She has to be the absolute worst female on earth! He sued her for his money back and the only reason she agreed to settle was to be able to stipulate the condition that she'd never have to name the kids' real father. UGH!!!

He has said he still loves the kids and wishes he could have a relationship with them. The problem is the boys (2 of them I think) won't have anything to do with him. They're mad that he sued their mother. I hope she has since guided them in how to make better decisions, but I doubt it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Graywolf2 said:


> There is a man on Reddit that didn’t know who his biological father was. His adult children ordered DNA kits to find out their ancestry. It turned out that his oldest two children were not biologically his but his youngest was.
> 
> His wife admitted that she had an affair for years. She said she assumed that her children were his but knew that they could be the OM’s.
> 
> ...


Check out his advice recently to someone who was cheated on. 



> You’ve really been given a gift here. You got a chance to see her true character BEFORE you marry her. Regardless of what you do in the near term, DO NOT marry this girl. Cancel that right now until you figure out your future. I wish to God I would have gotten this chance you have to see my wife’s character before I married her. Don’t take this gift for granted.


Seems he no longer has any delusions of what a POS his wife is.


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

The first 2 paragraphs say it all. Anyone who thinks they are above it without actually taking the steps to make sure they are 'safe' is vulnerable. 

I certainly never thought I'd be on a forum like this...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> The first thing I was to make chrystal clear to everyone is there is no "type" of woman (or man for that matter) that is immune to or above having an affair.
> 
> If the conditions are right and the right offer and right circumstances come along, anyone can do it. I don't care how religious or pious or seemingly faithful and loyal your spouse presents herself/himself to be, if the circumstances are right and the offer is right - it can occur and it can occur very rapidly.


There are exceptions to every rule. None of us can say anything with 100% certainty. None of us.

But I have been known to say that I generally believe most people are only as honest as their options. I didn't say ALL people, I said most. Again, that's just my opinion.

But the above quote, to me, does have a ring of truth to it, even though I'm applying the principle to men and not women. I don't give *any* man 100% blind trust. I simply don't. After reading about this stuff for almost 20 years, I think I'm just too jaded to give anyone 100% trust.


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