# Do husbands or wives usually mention their affair partners name?



## Susie42 (Sep 23, 2013)

Hello,

I am curious to find out if husbands or wives typically mention their affair partner's name. Do they mention their name often? For example, is it common for a man to mention their affair partner's name to their wife. Ex. "Oh, Monica helped me at work today. We work very nice together. She is very friendly and smart. I like working with her." I wonder if the cheater mentions the name of the person they are cheating with to their wife? Or, do you think they never mention their name at all, because they don't want to raise red flags?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

It depends on the given wayward. In some cases the answer is yes (it's fairly common) in others it's no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

In my personal experience it's not common at all. My cheating X was very good at compartmentalizing. It's a very useful coping skill for most of them. Keeps things clean and organized in their fogged up heads!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I think "it depends" - they might mention them a lot leading up to the affair before they realize 100% they're going to screw this person and think they're just a coworker they happen to like.

They might mention them a lot as a cover - thinking their spouse won't be suspicious 'cause they're so open.

Some really sadistic waywards might even get off on talking about the person they're screwing on the side to the spouse and might even invite them around under the guise of "friendship" and get off on being with them and their spouse together.

And many will never mention them, as if they don't exist, to avoid arousing suspicion.

I think it can go either way. But if there is someone of the opposite sex that your spouse is talking about a lot, I would be concerned and start quietly, surreptitiously snooping.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

It definitely depends. My WH never said a word about any of the OW; in fact he's never given me their names. (There's only one whose name he knew. 2 ONS and one brief PA.) But I think in a slowly developing EA, a wayward may be more likely to mention the OW/OM in conversation.

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Susie42 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am curious to find out if husbands or wives typically mention their affair partner's name. Do they mention their name often? For example, is it common for a man to mention their affair partner's name to their wife. Ex. "Oh, Monica helped me at work today. We work very nice together. She is very friendly and smart. I like working with her." I wonder if the cheater mentions the name of the person they are cheating with to their wife? Or, do you think they never mention their name at all, because they don't want to raise red flags?



Hey Susie, 

What's going on that you ask that question. Does this question specifically effect you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife told me his name.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Nope, never even once heard heard her name until he asked to come home and came clean about the whole affair. 😒


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I think if its a serial cheater the answer is definitely no. But for others I would say yes. I've read lots of posts on here about waywards telling their spouses how much they hate person X, then they end banging them. I honestly don't understand the purpose of that at all.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

ReformedHubby said:


> I think if its a serial cheater the answer is definitely no. *But for others I would say yes. I've read lots of posts on here about waywards telling their spouses how much they hate person X, then they end banging them*. I honestly don't understand the purpose of that at all.


My WW first AP was her Boss (principal) at school. She would make comments from time to time how he was conceited, a divorced player, and would hit on the single teachers at school. Later on during her affair, he "changed" to a concerned admin that really understood what teachers have to deal with. 

The other 2 OM she never mentioned.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

I'd guess no- if the wayward is a serial cheater, and maybe- if the wayward met the AP somewhere other than work (like an old flame or new hookup through Facebook) and a definite YES (personal experience) if its a co-worker during the EA stage. They are giddy with infatuation chemicals and can't help but bring their name up often since they get a little rush every time they do- I think during this time the wayward can be jealous of any attention the AP gives to someone else and they can get into little "fights" which then causes them to say something disparaging (i.e. he's so egotistical, what a chauvinist,)

This is also the time when they may mention that the Bspouse would really like the co-worker, that the BS and the co-worker have so much in common, they'd make good friends for each other, or they find them so helpful they'd like to buy them a thank you gift, in my case my H asked me to make and give her some of my handmade soap. 

When it goes physical-if it was a gradual progression- the Wayward goes totally silent. 

I also think saying negative things about the AP's looks is very common at any stage. It serves to throw the BS off the scent. After all why would their spouse be interested in someone who "is not their type", "not attractive", "kinda fat", "dresses in baggy shirts and pants so you can't see their body", "ugly like a troll".

sigh…...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Susie42 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am curious to find out if husbands or wives typically mention their affair partner's name. Do they mention their name often? For example, is it common for a man to mention their affair partner's name to their wife. Ex. "Oh, Monica helped me at work today. We work very nice together. She is very friendly and smart. I like working with her." I wonder if the cheater mentions the name of the person they are cheating with to their wife? Or, do you think they never mention their name at all, because they don't want to raise red flags?


in my very limited experience she stopped talking about him which was the red flag. So she would go on and on about him by name. Then one day it stopped cold turkey and she never mentioned him again. That was around the time she started screwing him I believe


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

When my husband and his co-worker affair partner were really ramping it up with the texting; he was mentioning her a lot to me. He encouraged her to babysit for our kids and was very concerned when my young teenager daugther did not seem to "like her" when they went to a park. Looking back, I now see that was a red flag as it was so strange my husband was so worried about this. He would praise her to me, then had to rescue her several times, took her on a family hike etc. that I was not invited to as I stayed home with the kids and on and on.

One day; it just stopped. No mention of her at all. Looking back now, I do believe this is when everything went physical.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> I think "it depends" - they might mention them a lot leading up to the affair before they realize 100% they're going to screw this person and think they're just a coworker they happen to like.
> 
> They might mention them a lot as a cover - thinking their spouse won't be suspicious 'cause they're so open.
> 
> ...


My ex-husband was a serial cheater. Whether or not, and how, he mentioned the OW depended a lot on the type of affair he was having. The EA (I think it was likely a PA, but he never admitted it) he had with my friend? He talked about her all the time. He was very encouraging of our friendship, included her in social events, made sure we bought gifts for her on holidays, invited her to our home whether I was home or not, etc. He seemed really convinced that the two of them were just very good friends. 

Later, when he finally came clean about some of the other affairs he'd had through the years, I realized that some of the women had been casual mentions. They might be co-workers or the wives of his buddies who came up randomly in conversation, but no more than any other acquaintance of that type would have done. Some he'd talked about extensively as one would with a crush. Those were mostly the EA's and sexting type of flings that hadn't gone fully physical. Some APs he'd never mentioned at all, because they were one night stands or casual hookups or something like a FWB situation where he only saw them when he was on one of his hobby-related trips. 

Interestingly, every single one of his female friends, co-workers, or wives of friends that he'd ever introduced me to and encouraged me to befriend for myself was an AP. I think he liked the ease and convenience of having them in our social circle because then being around them was less suspicious - they were "our" friends. But, honestly, I also think it was kinda like when your cat brings you a dead mouse and wants you to be all proud of him for it. Even though I didn't know they were affair partners, he still felt a need to display his trophies for my approval. 

Not only is every cheater different when it comes to talking about their AP, with a long-term serial cheater it seems every AP warrants a different approach.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Susie42 said:


> Do they mention their name often? For example, is it common for a man to mention their affair partner's name to their wife. Ex. "Oh, Monica helped me at work today. We work very nice together. She is very friendly and smart. I like working with her." I wonder if the cheater mentions the name of the person they are cheating with to their wife?


They ALWAYS do at first, all the time in fact.....

Then when they abruptly stop, you know it's too late. 

The affair has commenced and the cover up has begun.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

mine did.

she was constantly talking about mike (the neighbor). mike did this. mike did that. mike is so nuts. wait till i tell you what mike did........on and on.

of course i was inwardly suspicious about this obsession. the voice in my head told me this is not right.

but like a naive fool, i didn't want to believe and since he had a serious g.f. i figured it couldn't be.

it was a little over a year later that i cajoled it out of her. then i asked her 'how was it?'; and she said 'ok'.


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## justastatistic (May 16, 2014)

I think if the wayward is a serial cheater, then no. They get very good at hiding their activities and know that mentioning another person of the opposite sex is likely to raise suspicions.

But if the wayward is not a serial cheater, then in my experience yes, the wayward mentions the upcoming affair partner often. Most likely this is because the person is on their mind a lot so they can't help but bring them up in conversation. And as others have pointed out, if they stop talking about them it's because the physical affair has started. I noticed this with my own WW. And when I asked about him, and she stated she thought he was probably gay, that's when I KNEW they were having sex.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

My now xwife always talked about this guy at the gym. We were at a locak high school basketball game and she pointed him out to me in the crowd, I never paid much attention. It wasn't until she had an affair with my friend of 20 years, that I realized that she had had one with the guy from the gym.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

My W usually talks about the OM in the beginning when it there is a slight unease that what she is doing is wrong. Then the mentioning diminishes, then silence when I have become the enemy. 

After the first time with OM-1, I would feel like OH MY GOD NOT AGAIN when she started mentioning some guy in glowing terms.

Tamat


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