# split between husband and teen



## queeny

This may be long to try and explain. My husband believes in being very strict. I am strict to a point but more soft hearted. This has been the suject of many arguments, our different aproach to discipline. My 17 year old son has girlfriend for a few months now. He had her over our house and was watching TV in our basement laying down with her under covers (very cold in basment) this happened once before and my husband was very upset saying I don't care, what kind of mother lets kids do this. Mind that I frequent the basement often and my younger son frequents to gets toy and annoy ect. My husband spoke with my son his step son about this not really speaking but just a direct orders about 4 times (she was only over 1 time then 4 speaches) that he does not want him laying around on the couch with her. My theary is that if they are here in my home they are not out doing what every other 17 year old is doing. I want my kid to feel comfortable in his own home also and still have the respect that thats as far as it goes. 

We disagree strongly on this subject he says my theary does not work b/c my older daughter got pregnant as a senior in HS. Mind you he would never let her lay around with a boyfriend or feel comfortable at home. She ended up at the BF where I had no control or supervision. My theary is that they will do what they want when they are not in front of you and when they are in my home I know they are safe and nothing is going on. My husband embarrsed him in front of his GF and told them to get up b/c it makes him uncomfortable. He comes upstairs and started and argument with me over it and the girl left our house crying.

My husband and I were already figthing over a different matter prior to this and I really did not care what he thought b/c of his strictness and disregard on my thoughts on the subject.

My son asked if she could come over and would I mind if they are laying down together watching TV he stated that he is sick of being treated like a child and just laying watching tv is not doing anything wrong. I agreed and gave my OK. 

When my husband came home he went downstairs and humiliated them say to get up b/c it makes him uncomfortable and that they should not be doing that in front of his 9 year old.

My son got so upset with this and then us fighting over it he punched a wall broke his hand the night before a majore sports event that he work on his whole life. They have not spoken for 4 months since this happened.

We are separated now it was the straw that broke the camels back.

I want to reunight with my husband but son does not want to move back home.]
My sons life has changed over this injury he was at state level and in line for scholarships. He is heartbroken the injury will require surgery and will affect his hand motion probabaly forever.

Question --What is your theary on the couch subject??

Question--How can I ever get my son and my husband to make amends? Or should I even try. My husband gets out of control over almost anything he may be right about alot but his approach is over the top all the time.


----------



## Sandy55

Am a mom of four (two boys, two girls 32g, 23b, 21g, 15b) and I *never* have allowed either my teens to lay about in our home on a couch, floor, bed, etc, wrapped up in a blanket with someone else they have a "love interest" with. Married, yes, engaged, no...not just a bf or gf; and they have been raised they'd keep that sort of behavior rather personal, not sprawled out on a couch with opposite sex bf, gf. It is just not appropriate in my opinion. 

No, I also would not allow them to do it in front of a 9 year old, as then the 9 yo would assume it is "OK".

Neither of my kids has ended up in an unplanned pregnancy, either, as they KNOW the boundaries and my expectations and what my reaction would be should they do something they will later regret, such as a baby too soon, drugs, alcohol, etc. I just have my lines I draw.

Having said that, I do believe your dh is rather "off" in his behavior and that may be coming from the stress of step parenting and your siding with your kiddos. If your 17 yo says something like "I am tired of being treated like a kid", then tell him ADULTS should not lay about with girlfriends on couches, either. PUT ON MORE CLOTHES if they are COLD, or give them SWEATERS!  
The blanket THING is an excuse, MOM! :scratchhead: It makes your dh "uncomfortable" because he KNOWS guys, young 17 year olds!  So do I, I have had one and have one coming up...they will do ANYTHING to get to touch, feel, kiss, rub, lay on, squeeze a GIRL at that age!  Your DH knows it too! My dh doesn't like that sort of behavior of our kids, either. It is ASKING for trouble, helping set them up for trouble, and you don't want to be part and parcel of it.

It isn't YOUR dh's fault the SON punched the darn wall, and broke HIS own darn hand! Your son lost control, and this is the RESULT of such behavior, he needed to get a grip. My sons better not punch a wall in OUR home and they know it, and my dh does things that PISS them off royally: but bottom line is the KID is responsible and accountable for breaking his OWN hand and losing his OWN chances at scholarship.

Your dh isn't the smoothest on discussing this with your son, but he told him ONCE aka "four speeches" so you needed to BACK UP your dh, in MY opinion.

My dh often would not HOLD to a line I drew for our kids and it would REALLY drive wedges between us and these are not step kids they are OURS together. I am the disciplinarian and the one with the kids all the time, and when my dh doesn't back me up I get royally angry. 

Kids will play parents against each other ESPECIALLY step situations. 

It appears to me you two were fighting over something and your dh seeing them AGAIN on the couch after he explicitly asked it not to happen REALLY sealed the anger issue.

Is your 17 yo headed for college this fall or next fall? How long have you two been raising these kids together and what is the status of your ex dh/kid's dad? Is 9 yo both of yours?


----------



## JDPreacher

Your husband is a control freak...imposing his will...and if it's his step-son, he has no authority over him, his only role is to be a good host and a good friend...you set the rules and limits for your kid and your husband should respect them.

I don't think sitting on the couch wrapped in a blanket is going over the bounds of decency...we all know how kids can be, but there is also a point of trusting your kids until they do something to change that.

Your husband is out of line...and if you have other kids...then you're a fool if you go back...if you have a choice to make between your husband and your kids and you choose your husband...well, I pity your kids.

Preacher


----------



## LaBella

I agree with Preacher, my 16 years old and her boyfriend have taken a blanket and sit or lay together in my family room to watch TV, I am OK with it, because I also belive that I ratehr give them a little trust until they break it. And I rather know what is going on that for them to go out there and do who knows what behind my back. My parents where like you husband, and i ended up never bringing my boyfriends home and being very bad, outside my house since my parents where not open mind it.

If your husband is uncomfortable with the situation, then he should have talked with your son, tell him (nicely) his views and ASK HIM to please don't do it again and not demand.


----------



## Mr. R

I agree with the husband in this case. My father set me straight with this statement when I was 12 (I think). "If some girl's daddy is ever on my porch and I have to stomp his butt (not the word he used), you're next." Of course, when and if I become a parent, I intend to be stricter than my father, who was a Marine. Kids push too many boundaries that I would never have considered coming anywhere near. My Dad made sure that I was more afraid of him than of anything else in the world and it worked. I have never done drugs, been arrested, or gotten a girl pregnant. He used to like to call me by the nickname of "Hoss" (a character on one of his favorite shows, Bonanza), and he would often say "Hoss, you can love your momma, but you're gonna fear me, dammit." I have a respect and a love for him now that just amazes me. We had a wonderful Father's Day visit yesterday with him, mom, my wife, and myself.

Basically, when a kid's in your house, living on your dime, only two things should take up their time: work (if they have a job) and school (something my dad always emphasized). He would sometimes say "You can have fun when you're paying your own damn bills." That's right: I was a GUY who was not allowed to date.
Ever hear of that? Of course I hated it alot back then, but I agree with my dad's rules now. He saved me from alot of stupid mistakes that other kids seemed to make.


----------



## Sandy55

Mr. R :iagree: 

I have kids strung over 32 YEARS. Oldest 32 and the youngest is 15.5; one cannot parent with low expectations. I am not saying one plays nothing but hardball, but I was exactly like your dad in regards to "I don't want some angry father on my doorstep.." and I certainly didn't want my daughters to _drag a baby along to college_ and I am NOT going to support and raise grandkids due to some OTHER parent out there who is dumb enough to let one of my SONS lay on a couch with THEIR daughter. 

Pre-teens and teens will push the envelop on everything. Parents who say my kid "deserves respect" and "trust" until he/she proves me wrong are inevitably the kind of parent who has a kid that says this _*behind their back*_: 

"My dad (or mon) is SO stupid, they are into this soft and fuzzy stuff....I can smoke a joint and they don't even notice, they trust me so much! " *These kids BRAG to their peers about how "dumb" and "clueless" the parents are!*!!

I've learned this from other people's kids who come to MY house and I over hear this stuff! I also have a sister who just retired from THIRTY years teaching high school, she was a coach - an award winning teacher AND coach. SHE confirms this, she has ridden miles and miles with teams on buses over the years and SHE says: "Teaching is great, I love the kids, but the PARENTS, they are just so CLUELESS as to reality....". She stopped teaching BECAUSE parents don't LEAD often enough, they want the psycho, touchy, feelie parenting that is easier, they think "friendship" and "if I let them do it in my home, at least I have control" is the answer. She and I both agree, and I think there are many parents out there that agree not fearing LEADERSHIP and KNOWING how to LEAD a child to adulthood is the key, not "we are friends...". Friends with your kids comes when they are over 23 or so....when they are OLD enough to have all their brain cells present and functioning and the hormonal tsunami is heading *out* from shore.


----------



## GAsoccerman

AS teenager, I had a girlfriend whose family would allow us to be in her bedroom with the door close, we had sex every day while they were home.

Same with two or three other girlfriends, we had sex while the family was home are in the next room.


The girls LOVED the potential, the thrill of possible getting caught.

My parents never allowed us to be alone in our house, matter of fact my step-father never allowed any of my friends in our house.

But I was well educated in sex, that I always followed safe sex back in the day.

If you are going to allow them to be alone in your house, make sure they are practicing safe sex, chances are they are having sex under those covers.

If you don't believe me, take a black light to it.


----------



## Sandy55

"If you don't believe me, take a black light to it.":iagree: with your post, GA.

If you want to be a "friend" to your kid, make sure they know about birth control, have access to it, and encourage they "take care of business" in that department.

Horses are much easier caught before they get out of the barn.


----------



## JDPreacher

Take a black light to it...ugh...how disgusting, morbid and untrusting...c'mon.

I agree to make sure he knows to wrap that thing up...but you have to trust him until you have reason not to. It might be a bit silly to think he's not sexually active.

That still doesn't excuse the husbands behavior which is what this post was originally about...her husband is an ass and he's setting ground rules for kids that aren't his and that's not his place.

Blacklight...lord...

Preacher


----------



## LaBella

I do not allow my kids to be alone in the house, or to be in the bedrooms, much less with the doors closed. As a matter of fact, I do not allow the doors to be lock period. But if we are all in the family room and they take a blanket because is to cold, then I allow it, I am very strict and her daddy will kill both of us if things go any other way. 

But I do not have the eyes closed to what is going on out there either, and I do not encourage my daughter to do anything, but if she decides that she want to do something; then I prefer for her to be prepare with pills, condoms, and whatever else is out there so she would not have a baby before her dreams are shattered. She has very big expectations for college and her life and a baby is not in her near future, those were her actual words to me, "MOM I am not planning to do anything stupid, I want to much of life to ruin it with an stupid decision". I also know as a fact that his parents are even more strict than me, and even though I have a close relationship with my girls, I am not considered a close friend, but they do tell me almost (emphasis on the almost) anything. But if I get to strict I will be just like my mom, and believe that is no good. I love my mom dearly, but she pushed me away and prohibited so much of my teenage life that I made to many stupid decisions in my life, thank God I did not have a child, but not for the lack of trying and I could never go to her with anything since it was always I did something bad and I could not date, go have fun, etc. and our relationship has never been able to heal, because of her views. I promise myself and made my husband promised too, that we were going to have a different view with our kids. 

So now, any friends of my daughters been girls or boys, learn very fast my rules or are not allowed in my house ever again. A few years back my then 13 year daughter trew a b'day party, it was done in my basement since is was the biggest place to put about 30 kids. the lay out of my townhouse, is that you walking into the 1st leverl, aka basement, front door and garage door first, basement French door next. I came from the 2nd floor, where the kitchen is, with some trays with snacks for the kids and the door was locked, there were about half of the invited kids, they had taken the key wich was hanging next to the door on the wall with them inside, I knocked they opened after a few minutes, I took everything including the music with me, gave them an speech and told them, that if they wanted to stay: 1. the door had to stay open, 2. that no doors in my house would be locked, including the bathroom, and 3. only one person at the time allowed in the bathroom, no exceptions. That in my house I will not allowed any hanky, panky and if they did not like any of my rules, then to leave. That I would not stay downstairs with them, but that I would be checking from time to time and if I found any of my rules broken the party was going to be over right there and then.

Nobody left and my rules were followed, some of this kids have been my D friend for some time and other has stayed her friend thru the years, and most of them told me that they appreciate it my stricnest, some even call me with their problems. Even the little kids learn fast my rules or are not allowed back in my house. When there is a new kid on the block, coming, I have heard them sit that kid down and telling him/her what the rules are, and that the most important one is "Do not lock any door if you do not want to see Mrs. X mad, she will yell your ears off and will not allowed you back in here, so be careful.:rofl:

My believe is that the kids should be given guidance and rules but you have to trust up to a point. Needless to say if something is wrong specially with the older ones, you should seat down tell them what is bothering you and asked them ONCE to change it or else. If you start yelling and accusing and prohibiting things then the kids will rebel against the oppresing issue, I know from experience with me and my parents.

Just my thoughts.


----------



## preso

I would never allow kids and their gf's or bf's to lay around on the couch together and would have much the same views as your husband. I would let them know when they got their own place they could do as they pleased but not under my roof. I guess my feelings about this have more to do with teaching kids responsibility and morals... to let them know I did not condone them being physical, even if they were... they would know I did not condone it or think it was OK. 
If its cold in the basement, have them sit upstairs and watch TV in the living room, so they dont have to burrow down together in the blankets.

Far as your son hurting his hand, he will learn ( hopefully) not to punch things and his injury is his own doing, nobody elses. If it makes him lose a scholorship, it was his own doing. 

ps.
I would also make him pay for the hole in the wall to be fixed.

It is my feelings that a parents responsibility to their kids is to parent them... not be their friends.


----------



## queeny

Thanks for the feed back I respect all your opinions on this matter. Its seems like most opinions I get one for being so strict the kid does not want to be in the home and the other to allow some trust. Its so very hard to make the right decisions when it comes to my kids. I know my daughter was out doing what ever she wanted I grounded her all the time for various reasons she rebelled to the extremt. I was just trying not to make the same mistake twice. 

My husband can be 100% right about alot of things I always fight with him regarding how its presented no one needs to be humiliated, yelled at like a dog. I feel the respect you give to teens is what you get back. I don't want to be my kids "Friend" I just I am trying to find the best place to be.

If my husband would have just call my 17 yo out of the room and reinterated his toughts none of this would have happened.

Yes its my son's fault for the hand thing, but to not talk to him b/c he did not follow his rules is just pitiful. These are my kids from a previous marriage that ended very ugly and my kids went thru hell. I just don't want all of there childhood years to terrible. I want only the best for them. But lets face it if you think your kids are not out there doing "it" your just nieve. Look at the world we live in today its not the era of innocents I just trying to keep up with the time of things and still protect my kids. I don't want them as friends I just love them and try to do what is best I make mistakes too I am not perfect. Parents vary so much its just hard to make the right choice.


----------



## preso

I bet if your husband wasn't there, and you were a widow or divorced, those kids would be walking all over you and you'd be crying they were walking all over you, walking over your boundries, stealing from you and possibly verbally or physically abusing you too.....
as is the plight of many single/ dvorced and widowed people ( mostly the women) with kids.


----------



## queeny

WOW that is very nasty! You sound like a self ritous man who should keep his opinon to himself. I put this up for some feedback not to be verbally abused. I am not saying I am right but my God I am intitled to have thoughts on the subject and I just want the respect from my husband to have a joint conversation and then make the rule since we have such a different opinion. Maybe my daughter would have self esteem and not feel everything she has done was no good.


----------



## GAsoccerman

Preso, I totally disagre with yoru last statement, My mother raised 5 children by herslf in the 70's by herself. She ran a tight ship, we had chores, etc.

One time my mother got so mad at me, I had to be ten years old, she backhanded me (I think I got a D on my report card) anyway her diamond ring cut my neck open, her face went to anger to fear/scared.

My mother did a good job, we all have been married once each all still married. She had to be tough, but she also talked to me on many issues on equal terms.

She remarried when I was 14, My step-father HATED me, not sure why, but he did and I felt it and felt like a stranger in my own house. I did not like to be at home.

I would sit down with your husband first and talk to him, tell him he needs to be more mature with the teenage kids, yelling and screaming does not work with teenagers.

Set some ground rules you BOTH agree on and both will enforce, no wavering. Then take your teenagers and sit them down, go over the rules, calmly, discuss it with him and why you have these rules in place. While it is his house, you and your Hubby OWN the house and you set the rules for your house, unless he is to pay rent, utilities, etc. 

My neighbor is a single dad, his son graduated HS last year, the kid had his girlfriend move in and 5 other friends, the father who is afraid of "losing" his son, allows them to make the rules and they do nothing but party...no idea they are wasting into nothing, but the father will not stand up to his son or his friends. pretty pathetic.

So the goal here is talk with your hubby, he needs to give a little you need to tighten up a little, thre is a middle ground, then Discuss it with your teenagers, then come to an agreement across the board, take thier feelings into play.

work it out. 


JDpracher do you have kids by chance? and how old? you seem to be big on "trust them" give them space, you seem to like to trounce others, please tell us a little about your previous marriages and kids...


----------



## preso

GAsoccerman said:


> Preso, I totally disagre with yoru last statement, My mother raised 5 children by herslf in the 70's by herself. She ran a tight ship, we had chores, etc.
> 
> One time my mother got so mad at me, I had to be ten years old, she backhanded me (I think I got a D on my report card) anyway her diamond ring cut my neck open, her face went to anger to fear/scared.
> 
> My mother did a good job, we all have been married once each all still married. She had to be tough, but she also talked to me on many issues on equal terms.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


then she is the exception as you will find most single mothers have a very bad time with disipline and their kids.


back on topic...
they ( the ones who want to be their kids friends, not parents) tend to have very badly behaved kids with no respect to boundries or...
they try to be the kids friends and end up looking like a fool.

my point is that she ( OP) should be glad someone is there to balance her as if their wasn't they may end up walking all over her and even abusing her.
My husband does not allow his kids to lay with their gf's or bf's but his ex... who is now single, does and her daughter is the most awful, disrespectful..... s l u t.... you can imagine. Her bf's often move in and a few times have trashed the house out, which serves the bio mother right.
None of that would be happening if someone with a strong sense of boundries, respect and disipline was there.
Children are not pets and they should be parented, not made your friends. They can be your friends after they are responsible adults, until then, your making a big mistake to let your kids lay with other kids. It is bad parenting !
my husbnads ex is an example, as she let her daughter lie with boys for some time and she has a crazy girl now who needs mental help...
and the only good part of it is.. we are not the 
ones who have to pay for her mothers actions, she is...
when those boys break her windows, kick in the doors, punch holes in the walls...
she does and we are glad the drama stays there as the kids know, we aren't going to play those games with them!


----------



## queeny

Thanks GAsoccerman, thats what I would like to do but its very hard when the other won't even listen to your point of view. This is not the only subject my husband takes charge of, he is very opionionated and its hard to get a word in edgewise its verbally abusive fights. I am a strong willed person I have a time set for my kid to come home if late he has to call, he does chores he is just an average student. Last year he really had trouble in allgebra just barly past I had lengthly conversation with him regarding his grades and what it means to him and his future. No I did not ground him. This year he has taken trig which is harder than allgebra and got his grade up to an 84. I was proud of him he did his best. My husband thinks I should have grounded him from one quater to the next to get his grades up and I felt that was too harsh. But in the end he got his math grade from a 70 up to an 84. I preach to him all the time that he did great but next quarter I ask is there more you can do?? More to help your grades to go up and he says yes Mom I will try b/c HE wants to get into a good college. 

I think the conversation and checking on him was a better succes than if he was grounded.

Thats another thing I may have agreed to a grounding maybe for a week or two but not to his extreme. This is my battle I face I love my husband and truely want my marriage to work but my theary is if you don't bend you will break. We just broke its been coming for a while but I truley would like to fix it. I know I need to give also to make it work. thanks for the input


----------



## preso

If you put your kids before your husband
( their stepfather), he will certainly leave.

you can bet on that. I've seen it happen too many times.

One time a woman I knew did that and not only did the husband leave, he left with the step daughter, who was then 21....
as his new wife.


----------



## Jorcky

I really don't think watching TV under blankets is a big deal unless it's done behind closed doors where it can lead to more things. I agree, it's better to make teens feel comfortable and welcome and let then cuddle on the sofa where you can supervise, then make them feel like they can't be open with you, which could lead them to sneak out to where you can't supervise them, and have sex.
This happened in my family, my Mum always allowed us to have boyfriends over and we could watch TV or talk with open doors where she could supervise, and that worked well, but my Sister-in-law's Mum refused to allow her to see boys at all, so when she met a boy she used to lie and sneak out to see her boyfriend in his dorm, and they we're unsupervised completely and ended up having a baby at 18.


----------



## Jorcky

preso said:


> he left with the step daughter, who was then 21....
> as his new wife.


WOW.
I can't imagine how I would handle that. It seems very messed up to me.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin

I can agree with your husband's feelings and thoughts, but not his method of handling it. There are certain things with which you trust your kids until they give you reason not to. Things like doing their homework (until they bring home grades that show they aren't doing it), not doing drugs (until you find evidence that they are). Trusting them when their bodies are covered by blankets and you have no idea what they are doing under there, and can't find out, because the second the blanket is even hinted at being removed, hands and other body parts will go back where they belong...that is not one of those times where you trust them. 

However, I don't think your husband went about this in the best way. Now...I won't say I agree with others who say he has no right/place to say anything. My boyfriend has acted more like a father to my sons than their biological father ever has, and so I do feel he has a certain right/place to discipline them, and frankly, I prefer that he be the one to discuss sex and things of that nature with them, simply because I think it would be more comfortable for my sons than to have to discuss it with mom. 

But...there is a certain finesse to something like this, especially IF your son and his girlfriend truly weren't doing anything. IF they truly weren't doing anything, I can understand how your son would feel frustrated, mistrusted, alone, betrayed, any number of different emotions. And even if they were doing something, your husband still didn't really go about this the right way. I'm a woman, so obviously I don't really know how men think, but I think a better way to have approached it would have been, 

"Look, I'm a guy, and I know how guys think. And maybe you really weren't doing anything under the blanket, but I can't help but think otherwise. Even though it may well be innocent, it doesn't look innocent. It bothers me. I understand you are 17, and almost an adult. So, I'm asking you, man to man, if you would please respect my feelings and wishes and not cover up with the blanket anymore." 

That would have been more respectful way to handle it, and also would have made your son feel more like an adult, and more like it was a choice. 

I do not think it is your husband's fault that your son chose to hit a wall and ended up breaking his hand. It is very unfortunate and sad that your son did this, and that this will potentially affect the rest of his life, but the fact remains that your son is the one who chose to hit that wall.


----------



## turnera

Guys, don't forget to look at the initial posting date on threads; this one's been dead for over a year.


----------

