# So desperate for attention/validation



## Sweet_Andi (Sep 4, 2014)

First post & not sure where to start. I've been reading the forums for awhile & have been helped very much by the comments/stories here. 

My situation:

32 YOF, married 10 yrs to 34 YOM. 1.5 year old son. We both have careers that we love. We have had a good marriage. No major issues. However, we are both the type to stuff issues so as not to cause a stir.

I am very concerned by the amount of male attention I enjoy/desire. I think I probably get a normal amount of attention for some one who doesn't party/go out/openly flirt. Although I rarely get an overt sexual proposition from a stranger in public. When a man flirts, compliments me, talks to me, does something nice for me or even just smiles at me it makes my day. When a man is dismissive of me I take it personally. Over the years I have had some OS friendships & I have always ended up being very attracted to them but maintained excellent boundaries & do not believe they would suspect my true feelings, which I understand is manipulative of me. But I realize that Im not necessarily attracted to them, but the validation. It's like for some reason I am just desperate for male validation. (For the record I do have healthy female friendships & good relationships with my family.)

My husband is great - kind, attractive, smart, charismatic - everyone loves him including me. This is a deficiency in my character that has nothing to do with him. I am attracted to him & have admiration for him. I am very uninhibited with him sexually. I never turn him down & initiate frequently & like to try different things. In other words, I would not say we have a vanilla sex life. I Just seem to need approval from other men as well.

I am not sure what to do. Honestly, I've been this way as long as I can remember & it seems to be getting worse. Thing is, I never slept around or acted on this. I dated several different guys in college & only had a few boyfriends before I got married pretty young, so I've only been with one other man besides my husband. My sister, on the other hand, was very promiscuous, overtly attention--seeking, dated/pursued a married maN, cheated on her boyfriends, cheated with her best friends boyfriends & had tons of hookups & relationships. sometimes I feel jealous of her experiences. What is wrong with me???!!! On one thread I read where this could be a way of avoiding intimacy with your partner. That could be possible. 

I am very sweet & shy in real life . Everyone thinks I am mature & a "good girI." I am calm, aloof & level-headed. I don't make sex jokes, flirt or do things to try to get attention. Men treat me respectfully. I have never actively pursued a relationship with any man - even my OS friendships have been because they initiated & mostly maintained the relationship. Mostly bc I am terrified of rejection by men, even as friends. My husband always jokes that he pursued me until he wore me down. No one would ever imagine how inwardly desperate I am.

In a nutshell, my problem is that in my mind, my self worth is defined by how attractive I am to men. I logically recognize the fallacy of this sort of immature thinking. I don't know where it came from. Has anyone else been like this & turned it around? I was in counseling for 2 yrs but found myself attempting to manipulate my male counselor into validating me. (!) Maybe I need to go to a woman. I don't want to be like this. Thank you in advance.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Sounds like something you need to work out with a counselor, yes, and maybe it would be better to go to a female so you avoid that pattern. 

Interestingly, I felt like my need to please women got in the way when we went to marriage counseling years ago, because I had too much impulse to charm the female counselor, and I was good at it. I wasn't trying to be manipulative, it was just this instinctive way I reacted to a woman.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week do you and your husband spend doing things that you both enjoy where you are concentrating on each other.... just the two of you? These are things like a date (not at a movie), going for a walk together, just talking & snugging, etc.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

"You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging"
-Brene Brown

And believe it or not, there is no price of admission. No amount of money, beauty or accomplishment is required. You are worthy just as you are. Your focus in IC is simply to remove the obstacles that get in the way of your understanding this truth. Kindest Regards-
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

It's good that you recognize the problem so clearly, very good. It's still your responsibility to manage the problem, although it sounds like you do, at least to an extent. Don't fall back on "oh, it's this character defect I have" like it's just some illness and not in your control, because you have control of yourself. It's possible to lessen this drive or "need" you seem to feel, and therapy is probably a good way.


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## Sweet_Andi (Sep 4, 2014)

Thank you both for the comments/input. I'm sorry for the length of this response but there are a few other things I should mention.

EleGirl - my husband and I spend almost all of our time outside of work together. We get up & go to bed at the same time, eat together, grocery shop, go to church, go to the gym, etc. However, I am not sure how much of that would count as "quality time" because for example, in the evening when we are watching TV, we are focused on the show or the computer or the baby.

When we first got married he travelled for work 50% of the time. Then a few yes later he got obsessed with fitness, triathlons, cycling, etc. I would join sometime but just as a hobby jogger/cyclist. Meanwhile he would spend 10+ hrs per week riding/exercising & was always looking at gear, looking at websites, cleaning his gear, etc. it was an obsession & he eventually pushed his body to the point of being unhealthy. We were disconnected during that time (3-ish yrs) until I finally found an activity we could be passionate about together - hiking. Before the baby we spent tons of time together doing this & became very close. However, even during this time when we were close I began an OS friendship & became overly-attached to this person. 

Since the baby came, and all during pregnancy, I felt we bonded more. 

One other thing that is likely relevant is that my H has always had OSFs. Actually that is how I found this site bc I was googling to see appropriate boundaries/behavior for these relationships. He is a very friendly/charismatic guy & has lots of friends of both sexes of all ages, shapes & sizes - not just attractive women. This is one thing that initially attracted me to him. He doesn't do guys night out or spend any time alone outside of work with OSF. I have never seen him touch or flirt with an OSF, but I have been jealous of how open/familiar he has been with some of them, but he doesn't treat them any differently than he does - for example - his male friends from church. I'm not sure this is relevant to my problem, but occasionally I have wondered if it was contributing. He appears to have no problem with me having OSFs. 

And since I have been reading here I know all about snooping/surveillance & I routinely check his phone, email, Internet use, etc. all clean. Nothing even appears to be deleted. I am suspicious bc an ex boyfriend cheated on me several times in a grand way & gaslighted me for months making me think I was crazy. So I'm a bit suspicious.

One other thing that is likely relevant is that I rarely if ever "O" with him. I am not sure he realizes this. In the past he has taken it as a personal failure, so I hate to make an issue of It esp when sex is good otherwise. Oh Gosh, it's all sounding worse & worse as I write it all out!


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## Sweet_Andi (Sep 4, 2014)

Jung - thank you for the kind & encouraging words. I do not see myself as enough/worthy & this problem wxacerbates it as it makes me feel as if deep down I am a "bad person." I love that quote. I will remember it.

John Lee - I am relieved to hear you say that the need can be lessened. I do fall into the trap of thinking that it is "just who I am" which is easy to wrongfully justify when you come from a dysfunctional family/childhood (but has improved over the years). Thank you for the reminder & encouragement.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Sweet_Andi said:


> First post & not sure where to start. I've been reading the forums for awhile & have been helped very much by the comments/stories here.
> 
> My situation:
> 
> ...


I like male attention also. I don't think it is a problem as long as you set strong boundaries. However, if you are getting your entire identity from being a sex object for men that is a problem. You should probably have therapy but avoid a male therapist. You would have the same problem with that relationship and there is also the transferance thing in therapy with a counselor of the opposite sex. You need to learn to validate yourself. May I ask, how old you are?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sweet_Andi said:


> Jung - thank you for the kind & encouraging words. I do not see myself as enough/worthy & this problem wxacerbates it as it makes me feel as if deep down I am a "bad person." I love that quote. I will remember it.


 If you love these quotes. please consider the book.. I have bought many books in my time, this is one of the few I actually read to the end.. it really helps one grasp what is important.. 

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are: Brene Brown: Books



> In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown, a leading expert on shame, authenticity, and belonging, shares ten guideposts on the power of Wholehearted living—a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness.
> 
> Each day we face a barrage of images and messages from society and the media telling us who, what, and how we should be. We are led to believe that if we could only look perfect and lead perfect lives, we'd no longer feel inadequate. So most of us perform, please, and perfect, all the while thinking, "What if I can't keep all of these balls in the air? Why isn't everyone else working harder and living up to my expectations? What will people think if I fail or give up? When can I stop proving myself?"
> 
> ...


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Jung_admirer said:


> "You are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging"
> -Brene Brown
> 
> And believe it or not, there is no price if admission. No amount of money, beauty or accomplishment is required. You are worthy just as you are. Your focus in IC is simply to remove the obstacles that get in the way of your understanding of this truth. Kindest Regards-
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are awesome! I love Jung. No comment to what you said, although Brene Brown is pretty awesome also. Are you a psychologist?


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Sweet_Andi said:


> Thank you both for the comments/input. I'm sorry for the length of this response but there are a few other things I should mention.
> 
> EleGirl - my husband and I spend almost all of our time outside of work together. We get up & go to bed at the same time, eat together, grocery shop, go to church, go to the gym, etc. However, I am not sure how much of that would count as "quality time" because for example, in the evening when we are watching TV, we are focused on the show or the computer or the baby.
> 
> ...


Nothing here sounds that bad other than the checking his phone, email, and internet use. That is either a sign of insecurity or control and in your case I suspect it is insecurity. I think it would be so helpful for you to see a female therapist.


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## Sweet_Andi (Sep 4, 2014)

You guys.

Thank you so much, strangers from the Internet, for being so kind to me. I tried to put it all out there & was bracing myself for comments about how I am selfish, how I should leave my husband bc I really don't love him, how I might have a personality disorder, how I am generally awful. I tell myself these things on a daily basis & was expecting to have these fears confirmed. I'm so glad I posted!

A few other responses - 

Some one asked my age - 32, unfortunately. I have been dealing with these juvenile thought patterns since high school. I do not act on them, but they are engrained & cause inner turmoil.

Yes, I am insecure. Hence the checking. I just feel like I'm trying to confirm something.

I don't see myself as a sex object, or even sexy. Part of the problem, as I am just so unsure of myself. Because of my history as a good girl I don't think/am not sure people even think of me "like that." 

Thank you again. I will find a female therapist.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I'm going to ask it. 

What was missing from growing up? Did your upbringing not include words of support and affirmation? We're you "invisible" in high school, felt left out?

Sometimes, when we lack that in childhood and adolescence, we try to fill that void however we can in adult life. 

Filling that void can be a rush. Like its own drug. 

Maybe your addicted to that drug?

Im not here to judge. There's worse things in life than seeking attention.

Like dying. Dying is bad. 

Cancer would suck too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Sweet_Andi said:


> You guys.
> 
> Thank you so much, strangers from the Internet, for being so kind to me. I tried to put it all out there & was bracing myself for comments about how I am selfish, how I should leave my husband bc I really don't love him, how I might have a personality disorder, how I am generally awful. I tell myself these things on a daily basis & was expecting to have these fears confirmed. I'm so glad I posted!
> 
> ...


Good Luck, Sweet Andi. You will have to keep us updated on your progress.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Pooh Bear said:


> You are awesome! I love Jung. No comment to what you said, although Brene Brown is pretty awesome also. Are you a psychologist?


Jung is cool. He's a genius of his time. Freud? Not sure about him. I think he was more crazy than sane, that guy. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sweet_Andi said:


> Thank you both for the comments/input. I'm sorry for the length of this response but there are a few other things I should mention.
> 
> EleGirl - my husband and I spend almost all of our time outside of work together. We get up & go to bed at the same time, eat together, grocery shop, go to church, go to the gym, etc. However, I am not sure how much of that would count as "quality time" because for example, in the evening when we are watching TV, we are focused on the show or the computer or the baby.
> 
> ...


While you and your husband seem to spend a lot of time in each other's company, it sounds like you two get very little one-on-one time. 

I don't think you have a problem, as in flaw. I think that your needs for non-sexual and even sexual intimacy are not being met in your marriage. Some very small tweaks could make a huge difference.

My suggestion is that you get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters", read them. Then see if you can get your husband to read them and do the work that they suggest together.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

alphaomega said:


> Jung is cool. He's a genius of his time. Freud? Not sure about him. I think he was more crazy than sane, that guy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol! I agree.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

I thought this was a thread about me. 

Carry on.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Cobalt said:


> I thought this was a thread about me.
> 
> Carry on.


Bajezzus....

Don't get us started.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Pooh Bear said:


> You are awesome! I love Jung. No comment to what you said, although Brene Brown is pretty awesome also. Are you a psychologist?


No, not at all. Yes, I have read up quite a bit on psychology. What I comment on in the forum are the personal aspects I have seen in my own life. Freud showed me things about myself, but Jung helped me understand them.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

This woman will be having an affair by the time she's 40. She's been like this since high school. 15 years of wanting men to want her. She describes her sister's ****tiness with a little bit of regret, if you ask me. Already had an EA with a man who showed interest. 

And she married young. Only had one other man besides her husband. OP: I wonder what's going to happen when you learn how to work what you've got. 

Funny. My wife was exactly 32 when she realized she could walk into any random bar on any random Saturday night and get a year's worth of attention. Without trying. That summer was hell for me. Luckily she slipped up and I was able to nix it. 

I think, anyhow. :scratchhead:


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

MachoMcCoy said:


> This woman will be having an affair by the time she's 40. She's been like this since high school. 15 years of wanting men to want her. She describes her sister's ****tiness with a little bit of regret, if you ask me. Already had an EA with a man who showed interest.
> 
> And she married young. Only had one other man besides her husband. OP: I wonder what's going to happen when you learn how to work what you've got.
> 
> ...


Sometimes the harsh truth is what is needed. I would agree with you, but she did come here looking for answers to change her pattern. Hopefully OP you are able to suppress any urges to act. Best advice I have is don;t put yourself into situations you know you are vulnerable to fall victim too. Many of us have weaknesses, stay away from temptation. Sounds like your husband is capable of having OSF...you on the other hand, cannot. So be it, accept it and be content.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Observer said:


> Sometimes the harsh truth is what is needed. I would agree with you, but she did come here looking for answers to change her pattern. Hopefully OP you are able to suppress any urges to act. Best advice I have is don;t put yourself into situations you know you are vulnerable to fall victim too. Many of us have weaknesses, stay away from temptation. Sounds like your husband is capable of having OSF...you on the other hand, cannot. So be it, accept it and be content.


You might want to talk to your H about this. Does he know that you have these tendencies? Or that you might even be attracted to some of your friends? Talking about it now will help avoid problems later down the road in your marriage.


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## Sweet_Andi (Sep 4, 2014)

Lots to reply to. Yes, there were things missing when I grew up. My mother was emotionally absent due to her own issues & family issues. I have just always tried to be so good. Was raised in a very conservative Christian environment. I was very shy in childhood & high school; came out more in college. I sidnt get much attention in HS, but I act in a way to avoid it & always have. I will continue to think about/work on this as a cause.

Books are downloaded to my Kindle; will read ASAP. 

Yes, the harsh truth is hard to swallow, thanks for not sugar coating because it was quite shocking & not how I see myself. To clarify, all of this is in my mind. Yes, I have been like this since high school but it waxes & wanes. And I have never actually done anything inappropriate. Ever. Again, if some one shows interest, even as a friend, I do not reciprocate. I keep distance. when I feel myself getting attached I pull away. I guess this is the reason I'm posting - because the WANT is bothering me & I don't want to live like this. I would have major difficulty rationalizing an affair. Of course I would never say I am immune but it would KILL me to hurt my husband & son like that. I would rather live with the unfilled need than hurt them.

Maybe you are right - I just need to accept that my boundaries are different from my husbands & that's ok. He and I have discussed a bit but he sees the way I actually act & maybe doesn't take it seriously. Also he's so comfortable with OSF that he assumes everyone is too.

I'm glad I got it all out. Thank you all for the suggestions. I need to accept that I need to be "on guard."


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

It's great you are this introspective and honest with yourself. A few practical suggestions/comments...

Yes, continue with a counselor - a female one. Most needs for external validation come from a sense of deficiency internally. The counselor can help dig that out with you. Meanwhile, what is it you want from the attention? To be found physically attractive? Your body or your face? Or to be found interesting? Or generally sexy/hot? Narrow down the specific area you want recognized. Share that with your husband and play to it. Lingerie or clothing that helps emphasize your better parts or downplays your lesser parts. Also remind yourself that you are more than breasts, legs, vagina, etc. 

On the other hand, you haven't had many orgasms with your husband. You have caused this yourself. 10 years of marriage and you are faking Os. How CAN he know he isn't doing what turns you on because you have taught him by your silence that what he does is working. 

You don't have to break it to him and start over in the bedroom. Instead, add in a toy, watch a sexy movie, touch yourself while having sex with him - do you masturbate? He'll see some amazing orgasms and just think they are more intense than before instead of thinking you never had them. Our bodies change over time. What worked at 20 doesn't work at 40. Use that "excuse" if he wonders what is different. No need to hurt him now or cause him to shut down but you will have to teach him what DOES work.

Yet another example of how puritanical upbringings ruin marriages. Good girls like sex. So do bad girls. What makes a girl 'good' or 'bad' subjective. Stop using those black and white terms when thinking of yourself. You are loyal, kind, a good mother, sexy, adventurous... and those are all "good". 

Do see a female counselor - not just because you won't try to get validation from her but because she knows to an extent what it's like to be a woman. Expected to be nurturing to children, sex goddess to our husbands, efficient and competent at work. Men are the same everywhere but women have to switch gears to an extent. The trick is to meld all of these traits into one confident, sexy, capable person all of the time.


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## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

Sweet_andi,
You sound somewhat like me except that I am desperate for my husband's validation not others. 

I grew up in a conservative family
Unavailable parents,
Shy as a teenager
Lots of attention from boys as a teenager but was never attracted to them or Pursued a relationship with anyone
My H is my 1st 
Married young
Did not O with H for first 3 years
Get a little possessive or may be jeolous when I see H being nice to good looking girls
Have snooped on him

Although we are the product of our past we are capable of changing the undesirable attributes. 

Work on the O, slowly guiding him to other ways to help you achieve it, explore new ideas together, we did this and I can get multiple Os now? help him to help you. 

Does your husband compliment you? Are you satisfied with the attention you get from him? If not, it could be causing you to seek outside? 

Work on yourself and the relationship, affairs are so easy to start but will change all the 3 of your lives for ever. Really not worth it, only regrets will remain. 

Most men who checks you out or hit on you will say they do that because they are wired "like that", there is no meaning to it.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Sweet_Andi said:


> First post & not sure where to start. I've been reading the forums for awhile & have been helped very much by the comments/stories here.
> 
> My situation:
> 
> 32 YOF, married 10 yrs to 34 YOM. 1.5 year old son. We both have careers that we love. We have had a good marriage. No major issues. However, we are both the type to stuff issues so as not to cause a stir.


You need to work on that. I do the same thing and it is not productive.



> I am very concerned by the amount of male attention I enjoy/desire. I think I probably get a normal amount of attention for some one who doesn't party/go out/openly flirt. Although I rarely get an overt sexual proposition from a stranger in public. When a man flirts, compliments me, talks to me, does something nice for me or even just smiles at me it makes my day. When a man is dismissive of me I take it personally. Over the years I have had some OS friendships & I have always ended up being very attracted to them but maintained excellent boundaries & do not believe they would suspect my true feelings, which I understand is manipulative of me. But I realize that Im not necessarily attracted to them, but the validation. It's like for some reason I am just desperate for male validation. (For the record I do have healthy female friendships & good relationships with my family.)


That doesn't sound too far out. I would think most people like getting compliments, especially ones from out of the blue.



> My husband is great - kind, attractive, smart, charismatic - everyone loves him including me. This is a deficiency in my character that has nothing to do with him. I am attracted to him & have admiration for him. I am very uninhibited with him sexually. I never turn him down & initiate frequently & like to try different things. In other words, I would not say we have a vanilla sex life. I Just seem to need approval from other men as well.


You sound like you have a pretty good relationship there.



> I am not sure what to do. Honestly, I've been this way as long as I can remember & it seems to be getting worse. Thing is, I never slept around or acted on this.


There is no problem with having feelings, it's your actions that count. 



> I dated several different guys in college & only had a few boyfriends before I got married pretty young, so I've only been with one other man besides my husband. My sister, on the other hand, was very promiscuous, overtly attention--seeking, dated/pursued a married maN, cheated on her boyfriends, cheated with her best friends boyfriends & had tons of hookups & relationships. sometimes I feel jealous of her experiences. What is wrong with me???!!! On one thread I read where this could be a way of avoiding intimacy with your partner. That could be possible.


That's your sister. The grass isn't greener her side of the fence. If you and your hubby have a good, varied and uninhibited sex life together you're in a really good place.



> I am very sweet & shy in real life . Everyone thinks I am mature & a "good girI." I am calm, aloof & level-headed. I don't make sex jokes, flirt or do things to try to get attention. Men treat me respectfully. I have never actively pursued a relationship with any man - even my OS friendships have been because they initiated & mostly maintained the relationship. Mostly bc I am terrified of rejection by men, even as friends. My husband always jokes that he pursued me until he wore me down. No one would ever imagine how inwardly desperate I am.


Long talk with hubby is probably in order here. It may well bring you even closer.



> In a nutshell, my problem is that in my mind, my self worth is defined by how attractive I am to men. I logically recognize the fallacy of this sort of immature thinking. I don't know where it came from. Has anyone else been like this & turned it around? I was in counseling for 2 yrs but found myself attempting to manipulate my male counselor into validating me. (!) Maybe I need to go to a woman. I don't want to be like this. Thank you in advance.


That may well help, but keep hubby in the loop. The last thing you need is for him to feel excluded from an important part of who you are.

The big deal here is that you haven't acted on it. You sound like a really good person from what you wrote.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Sweet_Andi said:


> We were disconnected during that time (3-ish yrs) until I finally found an activity we could be passionate about together - hiking.


What a great activity to find in common. 



> Before the baby we spent tons of time together doing this & became very close. However, even during this time when we were close I began an OS friendship & became overly-attached to this person.


Again feelings and actions. They are not the same although you really should try and find out why you need this validation from other men.



> Since the baby came, and all during pregnancy, I felt we bonded more.
> 
> One other thing that is likely relevant is that my H has always had OSFs. Actually that is how I found this site bc I was googling to see appropriate boundaries/behavior for these relationships. He is a very friendly/charismatic guy & has lots of friends of both sexes of all ages, shapes & sizes - not just attractive women. This is one thing that initially attracted me to him. He doesn't do guys night out or spend any time alone outside of work with OSF. I have never seen him touch or flirt with an OSF, but I have been jealous of how open/familiar he has been with some of them, but he doesn't treat them any differently than he does - for example - his male friends from church. I'm not sure this is relevant to my problem, but occasionally I have wondered if it was contributing. He appears to have no problem with me having OSFs.


Don't believe everything you read here. Half the posters will convince you that he's had sex with all of them multiple times and probably all at the same time. 

That sounds to me that you have a very outgoing and friendly husband who has a well balanced attitude on how to treat people, it's probably a very big reason that he does have a lot of friends. 

How about taking some personal validation in the fact that out of this large pool of people you are the one that stood out as the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. 

It doesn't sound as if he was desperate or running out of other options. 



> And since I have been reading here I know all about snooping/surveillance & I routinely check his phone, email, Internet use, etc. all clean. Nothing even appears to be deleted. I am suspicious bc an ex boyfriend cheated on me several times in a grand way & gaslighted me for months making me think I was crazy. So I'm a bit suspicious.


Why are you suspicious? Has he given you any reason to be? He is outgoing and charismatic in front of you, he's not hiding anything. You can't assume the characteristics of an a****le ex-boyfriend onto your H, you risk ruining the great relationship that you appear to have. 



> One other thing that is likely relevant is that I rarely if ever "O" with him. I am not sure he realizes this. In the past he has taken it as a personal failure, so I hate to make an issue of It esp when sex is good otherwise. Oh Gosh, it's all sounding worse & worse as I write it all out!


Well that you should work on, together. Don't fake it. If he thinks it is good and then finds out that you faked it he will be devastated. 
Hopefully you know what works for you, if not then you need to find that out for yourself with counselling help if necessary. Then help him discover what he can do that works for you, and enjoy the time trying, make if fun and not a challenge. But do it together, it sounds like he will do whatever it takes.

While you are on TAM read around. You might find out what a great relationship you have there. Good luck.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> This woman will be having an affair by the time she's 40. She's been like this since high school. 15 years of wanting men to want her. She describes her sister's ****tiness with a little bit of regret, if you ask me. Already had an EA with a man who showed interest.
> 
> And she married young. Only had one other man besides her husband. OP: I wonder what's going to happen when you learn how to work what you've got.
> 
> ...


I'm really sorry to hear what happened with you and your wife, the hell you went through and pleased that you managed to turn things around.

But that doesn't mean that everyone who talks with someone of the OS or has an OSF is going to jump into bed with them.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Just because you read that many recommend snooping on this site doesnt mean you should. You would probably spin out if you see your husband liking a picture or looking at a nude woman. Maybe even justifying your own attention seeking.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Interesting thread.
CuteAndi...I'm wondering if maybe your husband doesnt know your love langauge. 
My best friend and his wife were a "nice" couple but he always said he wanted to get closer. From his and your statements, it sounds like your husband needs to be taught your preffered love language(s).

I know once I got them to know theirs, the relations warmed up quite a bit and he said he feels more connected now.

Have you looked into it?
5lovelanguages.com


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