# I cheated, husband left, need guidance to prove I'm sorry



## ladylegs

I never thought I would be on the sending end of something like this but here I am. I have been married for 11 years. My husband is an amazing man and we have one boy and one girl. Our marriage has had it's ups and downs just like any other marriage. Two years ago, I went through a deep depression. I got laid off and my mother passed away. At the time, my husband was working 14-18 hours a day just to keep food on the table. It took me about 6 months before I tried to get help and went to therapy.

I resented my husband a lot during this time. Part of the reason was because he was working too much and I was left to take care of the children while dealing with my emotional issues. Also, he made it seem like my depression was something I could just turn on and off like a light bulb. He said he cared for me but I never felt it during this time. He made me feel very alone.

To make matters worse, I suspected my husband of cheating with a woman from his job. He would text her at all times of the day and he stayed very close with his phone. I managed to check his phone one day but I couldn't find anything pointing to a sexual relationship. It was just mostly friendly stuff about work and family. I told my husband that I wanted to meet her but he wouldn't let me. He said that he should have friends just like I did. This made me feel worse and I kept having a hunch that he was sleeping with this woman.

After many months of therapy and Xenlafaxine, I started to feel better. I started to get out of the house more and talk to my old friends more. My husband stayed the same. HE was still an amazing husband and father. He worked his butt off but he still talked to that woman. When I looked back on the days during depression, I felt betrayed and I just felt that he cheated on me.

I started to lose weight and become more active. I felt alive again. Guys at the gym would hit on me and I would catch glares from guys at the store. This made my husband jealous but I didn't care. I knew that I hadn't done anything wrong and I know I was unhappy with his friendship with the woman at work.

My husband has an old friend named Matt. He recently moved from Michigan to where we live. He found a job down here that he wanted to take. My husband was very excited that he was moving down here since that was his old high school friend. We met Matt at the airport and took him to dinner. I have to admit that he was quite a charmer. I figured that anyone that hung out with my husband in high school must have been a dork. I'm not putting my husband down but he was really a nerd back in those days. Matt was actually the polar opposite of him.

Anyway, Matt was pretty hot when I met him. To make matters worse, he complimented me and told me I was beautiful. Matt began work and began to hang out with my husband on weekends since he didn't have many friends. We also become friends and I would talk to him when he came to the house. He would flirt a lot with me but I always shut him down.

There was one day when Matt come over for a few hours since they were cleaning the carpet at his apartment. The kids were with my mother and me and my husband were supposed to go out to dinner. Since Matt had no place to go, he was going to tag along. Before we could leave, my husband got called in to work. One of the other leads was sick so he had to fill in. Me and Matt were already up so we just chatted on the couch. We must have talked for around 2 hours. He kept complimenting me and making me feel good. In fact, it was years since a man made me feel as good as he did. 

We got closer and closer that night and he eventually kissed me. I did not push him away although I with I would have. We ended up having sex there in our living room. It was like we were both caught up in the moment and didn't realize what was happening.

That moment didn't end until recently. I've been seeing Matt off and on for the past 8 months. I've had enough respect for my family that we never again had sex in our home. I would either go to his apartment or we would get a hotel. I justified my infidelity because I fooled myself into thinking that my husband was really cheating on me with that other woman.

A couple of weeks ago, my husband was out at a club with Matt. I don't know the exact details but somehow, my husband went though his phone and found text messages from me as well as nude pictures. My husband got in a fight with Matt and left him at the club. He came home and confronted me and I denied everything. The first thing that came to mind was to lie since I never set out to hurt him.

My husband left and called Matt. Matt told him every single detail about our relationship. He told him everything down to the day it started. At that point, I had no choice but to come clean about what I did.

Now it's too late. My husband has moved out and wants a divorce. I've been sitting here replaying this in my head and I really feel like ****. I've been falling back into my depression and I feel that I have no place to turn. He doesn't want to reconcile and doesn't want counseling. He just wants to divorce. My kids don't understand what's going on yet but soon they will find out.

What can I tell my husband to convince him to give our marriage another chance. I apologized for cheating and lying but he acts like he doesn't care. How could it be that he can just turn on a dime and walk out on us after 11 years of marriage. I've humbled myself and I would do absolutely anything to have him back. I realize now that I had a good thing at home and I should have never cheated. He has agreed to meet me on tuesday morning for lunch and we can talk then. What should I say to him? I know that if I can get him to understand that I'm truly sorry, I should have a chance to win him back.


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## that_girl

> It was like we were both caught up in the moment and didn't realize what was happening.


DO NOT say this ever to your husband.

You don't understand how he can walk out after the ultimate betrayal? Apology doesn't cut it. 

Own it. 

Words don't matter especially if you somewhat place blame on him or "I didn't know what was happening" Right. You knew a penis was going to enter your body. 

Let him go. You can't control this, don't even try. Let him have some time to think. It's all in his control now.

Sorry you're going through this. It's a hard lesson to learn.


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## ladylegs

Yes it's very hard. What I meant about that comment was that I didn't realize what effect this would have on my marriage. I was just caught up in the emotions and feeling good and wanted at the time. I've always had self esteem issues but that's still no excuse for what happened.


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## Rags

If people were talking to your husband, they'd likely be advising to push ahead with the divorce and to let you go. You may not find many sympathetic voices (especially amongst those who've been on the receiving end of this type of behaviour.)

So, you incorrectly accuse him of cheating
Sleep with his friend
Carry on an affair for 8 months
Allow nude pictures of yourself to be taken
When confronted, lie

And it's the lies that do the most damage.
So, what's left to salvage here? Why should he give you another chance? What's in it for him?

Sorry doesn't cut it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hortensia

You won't get much help here, unfortunately. The crowd loves to throw stones at cheaters. 
I would suggest you read the Archive section. There's plenty of articles there about how to deal with the aftermath of an affair and how to show remorse, etc. It's a good place to start.
Your husband is seriously hurt about this double betrayal and it may take a long time to convince him to forgive you. He may never will. But persistence and patience, along with a repentant remorseful attitude can increase the odds he does.
No contact with the OM, full transparency, complete honesty about all the questions he'll asks you are just a couple of things you can do to start. Remember, actions speak louder than words, and right now your actions totally suck...
Have you ever talked to him about how his talking to that woman made you feel? It sounds like a revenge affair to me. You two have to address the root issue and set firmer boundaries. Good luck.


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## ladylegs

Well we both have invested a lot in this marriage. I know that deep down, as much as he thinks he hates me, I know he still loves me. We have kids and a home together. That should be worth something. I've been open and submissive about everything. I don't see how he can walk away from us without at least giving me another chance, at least for his kids sake.


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## ladylegs

I told him that I didn't like that he talked to her so much but he just flipped it on me and told me that I'm jealous. As for Matt, I've spoken to him once since this happened and that was to tell him that he is not welcome here anymore. He said that he was sorry for telling but he felt that he couldn't betray his friend any longer.


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## Rags

The ex-friend isn't really the issue here, I think. (Yes, it was a double betrayal, but the vows were yours.)

Y'see, if you'd been remorseful, you wouldn't have let things continue, and you would have confessed yourself and begged for forgiveness. But you didn't and that makes things a whole lot harder.

For some men (and women too, I guess) and infidelity is a deal breaker and it's over. I don't know how to predict if this is the case for your husband. Before it happens, I'm not sure anyone can. People often don't behave how they thought they would.

Oh and if you want to have any hope of reconcilliation, do not say 'I deserve...' - you don't. You don't deserve a hearing, a second chance, more, better, whatever. You took your marriage and stabbed it to death.
If he gives you a second chance, or even deigns to listen to what you have to say, it's a favour to you, that he chooses to give you. Not because you deserve it.
(don't ask what you do deserve, you won't like the responses.)

Andd don't play the 'stay together for the kids# either. He deserves more than that, and so do they.

What _might_ help - and it's to help him get over it, not to keep him with you - is for your total honesty, absolute acceptance that it was your fault, your problem, and that he did not deserve to be treated this way. And that you realise the lying was wrong and counter productive.

IF he chooses to listen to you (and you can't make him) and if he subsequently chooses not to press on with the divorce instantly, then it's your job to be the best spouse that ever existed (not a doormat, but a partner) - with absolute fidelity, openness and honesty, so that he never has any reason to doubt you ever again. Although he still will, because some things you don't get over.

If you do have a relationship going forwards, it will have to be a new one, rebuilt. You'll never get the old one back - it's dead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladylegs

Fair enough although I do feel as if I deserve another chance. I just feel that we both invested too much just to just walk away from it all. If he gave me another chance and we couldn't get it to work, then I could accept that.


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## jnj express

You knew your H's friend was hitting on you---why didn't you completely shut him down and make it clear that you had a family and kids to protect, and you were not about to wreck their lives----your H very well may ask you that when you meet on tues---you best have an answer---as to why you would allow your children's lives to be destroyed

As to your justification---your H---talking to his lady friend---you had a legit gripe---but you kept letting it slide---the way to have gotten that stopped is to threaten your H with D---just as your H. is now doing to you, over your actual straying

You messing with his good friend is a double betrayal so it just adds fuel to the fire

When you talk to him on tues----what are you gonna say---cuz the words I'm Sorry, are meaningless---what does I'm sorry get you---big deal--those words are gonna do nothing, when your H's sub--conscious keep bringing up visions of your lover inside of you---these are all things you had better be prepared to have some kind of an answer for on tues.

You need to show him how you are gonna be accountable, what is it that you can/will do to ease his pain/hurt/humiliation, and the fact that you snuck out to hotels, lied, manipulated, and deceived him---do you have answers for you conducting these activities---if not you are wasting your time

This basically is a forum, for those who would think about trying R---your H, is in a zero tolerance situation---you cheated---he does not want to stay with you, as for him there is no mge---he more than likely cannot handle looking at/touching/talking to you----his sub--conscious is all over him, and will not give him a break---he has visions/hurts/is living in a nuclear winter, and you are the trigger

If your H, is adamant about D---do not fight him, let him file, tell him you will do whatever he needs to do, and you will support him---because he files, does not mean that the D, action actually has to be finished---with the right attitude and lots of hard work, you might be able to change his mind, before the D, would become final

No matter what---don't sit there and throw i'm sorry at him---once again--I'm sorry is BS---have some kind of mature answers for him, and a plan on what you can do, to try and save what is left of this destroyed mge----

Do not throw the woman that he continually talked to in his face---unless you have solid proof, he actually did more than just talk to her---he may very well be having an EA with her---but as I said before---you never forcefully pushed it---instead you used it as justification for your own straying

Also do not bring up that you thot he was ignoring you while he worked long hours---he worked those hours so you could have a good/decent lifestyle---I am sure he didn't like having to work anymore than you disliked having him work---but it sounds like you didn't have to work, you took care of the kids---so do not bring up his working long hours---it was necessary for the survival of your family------what you better have an answer for---is why you allowed the POS lowlife friend to stay in your house, and hit on you---that is what you had better have an answer for

Do not bring up the fact that you felt lonesome, and un- appreciated-----Mge is hard work, it does get same old, same old, and boring---but a whole lot of mge's do make it, where the spouses make adjustments and do what is necessary to preserve the mge----this is something you did not do---once again---if he asks you---you better have an answer for why you did not fight for the mge, when you knew you were being "hit on"


Don't sit there and act pathetic---own up to what you did, and try to make the best of your meeting----remember---the D, process is a long haul, and things just may change down the line, good luck to you---just hang in there, remember this is just the beginning , just act grown up, and mature, and show him, you will fight for the mge. no matter what.


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## mablenc

I think you need to get to the root of he problem, you been dealing with the fact that your husband is cheating. I'll say he cheating because you point out some red flags also as a wife you know. Which is why you sank into the depression. 

I'm not justifing your cheating I'm just pointing out that you can't just ignore all the signs and move on with life if you feel your spouse was cheating.

I would address this with him, not in the way of "well you cheated so did I". Rather I would tell him why you felt he cheated and how that affected you. This does not justify the cheating but it can help him deal with then "why" distanced yourself. 

Apologize and tell him you are willing to work on the marriage. If he was cheating I hope he can have some mercy on you being that he brought in the problems. If he wasn't cheating he should have put your mind at ease. But now you are both in a big problem and need to work together for the sake of the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin

ladylegs said:


> *I've been open and submissive about everything*. I don't see how he can walk away from us without at least giving me another chance, at least for his kids sake.


I'll not go into the basic stuff that's as clear as the nose on one's face but this is frankly laughable
"I've been open and submissive about everything" :scratchhead:

Unless I'm mistaken from what I gathered in your opening gambit unless his best friend confessed up you'd have never in a million years been "open and submissive" - you'd still be lying your ass off to him still putting him (and your kids) through the mincer (and by choice I might add) 

I'll make that the only post I will put into this thread

(read up on the 'tears' thread)


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## ladylegs

Yes, I've been open about everything since it was exposed. If I had knew that Matt was going to tell everything, I would have did so first. At least my husband would have heard it from me and that may have made things easier.


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## mablenc

I know I'm going against the crowed here, and have never before done so when it comes to cheating, but if any one of you can relate to the feeling that your spouse is cheating you can admit it not only sinks you to a low depression, it also can make you crazy. Nothing is more painful.

I'm not justifying her, she should have handled it better. She should have looked for evidence, and addres the problem. And the fact that it was her husbands friend is a low blow. But, please she came here for help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed

You know what? 

He is deeply hurt. Now he cant think straight.

Your mistakes:
1. Your cheating for 8 long months. Horrible. You had the honour of having sex with H's friend in hotels and in his place. Did you have a honour for your marriage?
2. Your lied when he confronted you. That is a killer. 

Give him time. Wait.


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## lordmayhem

ladylegs said:


> Fair enough although *I do feel as if I deserve another chance*. I just feel that we both invested too much just to just walk away from it all. If he gave me another chance and we couldn't get it to work, then I could accept that.


That's why you had an affair in the first place, the self entitlement that you have. At this point, he doesn't owe you a thing. You are NOT going to be able to reconcile this marriage if you think he owes it to you. These are some of the things you are going to need to do:

1. *FULL DISCLOSURE* - That means writing down a timeline of the affair. Answer any and every question about the affair that he asks. He's already heard it from your OM, he wants to hear it from your lips since you denied, denied, denied, even when he had you dead to rights. And he's going to keep asking you whenever he triggers. And he's going to trigger a lot. In case you don't know what triggers are, it can be pretty much anything that reminds him of your affair. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, especially are going to be tainted. Those alone will trigger him. 

2. Write a *No Contact (NC)* letter to the OM in front of him and maintain the NC. NC with OM is forever. If your OM ever attempts to make contact with you and you don't tell your BH about it, that's a lie of omission and also breaking NC. 

3. *COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY* - This means you willingly hand over any and all passwords to any accounts that you have to prove that you're an open book and wanting to rebuild trust. Trust is what you destroyed and its now your responsibility to rebuild it. If you go anywhere, you had better tell him first. While you're out of the house, you call him. If you're going to be late, you call him. You call him when you're enroute home. You hand over your cell phone *whenever* he asks to look at it. Don't ever hide it again. If you have it password protect it, remove the password protection and never put it on again.

4. *Get yourself tested for STDs*. I'm almost absolutely sure you had unprotected sex with your OM and he gave you plenty of cream pies. 

5. Apologize to your friends and family with your BH present, for having an affair.

6. Agree to take a polygraph if he asks for it.

7. Agree to sign a post nupital agreement if he asks for it.

8. *Sexual Equality* - This is a major factor. If you ever did *ANYTHING* with your OM that you *denied* your husband (Oral, Anal, BDSM, etc), then you had better not deny your husband again, because its a major trigger. If you never sexted your BH but you sexted your OM, then you had better make your BH feel wanted by sexting your BH. If you never sent nudie pics of yourself to your BH, but you sent nudie pics to your OM, then you know what that's about. There not many things more painful for a betrayed spouse, than the knowledge that their cheating spouse gave things and did things with their OM/OW that they denied to them. 

9. Agree to Marriage Counseling (MC) or Individual Counseling (IC) if he asks for it. If you go to MC, own up to the affair and never try to justify it to the Counselor that the affair was your BHs fault.

10. And *NEVER, EVER*, tell him to get over it already. It takes on average 2-5 years to recover from a betrayal like this. Its extremely emotionally traumatizing and the BS will suffer from PTSD. This is part of the heavy lifting that you have to do to help reconcile the marriage.


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## ladylegs

mablenc said:


> I know I'm going against the crowed here, and have never before done so when it comes to cheating, but if any one of you can relate to the feeling that your spouse is cheating you can admit it not only sinks you to a low depression, it also can make you crazy. Nothing is more painful.
> 
> I'm not justifying her, she should have handled it better. She should have looked for evidence, and addres the problem. And the fact that it was her husbands friend is a low blow. But, please she came here for help.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It hurts a lot. I haven't been able to eat or sleep well. If it wasn't for my kids, I don't know how I could hold it together. I'm not asking for my husband to pity me, I just wish he could be here to support me emotionally. I think we could support each other to get through this.


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## jnj express

Other things you had better be prepared to have answers for

This A would still be going on, had Your H, not gotten ahold of your lovers phone---so you need to have an answer for allowing this A, to keep going, and in no way wanting to shut it down---you never thought enuff of your family, to know you were doing wrong, and to stop----so you have that issue to deal with

The last thing on this earth for you to ever say to your H---is you have enuff respect for your family to take this crap into hotels, or wherever else you had sex at---YOU HAD NO RESPECT FOR YOUR FAMILY----one who cheats---could care less about their family-----you also had better have some answers ready about what you have wrought onto your kids--cuz that is gonna come up---

But the worse thing you did, above and beyond all of this--is the LIES---you lied outright, when you were confronted, your lover threw you under the bus, so you had no where to go, with your lies-----plus you have been looking your H, in the eyes every night for the last 8 months and telling him everything was fine, when he came home night after night after working to provide for you, so you could live a decent life---added to that, there were probably nights where your H, got sloppy 2nds, you had sex with your lover, then had sex with your H-------that alone--is gonna drive your H, up the wall---I have no idea how you handle the last area---but you better have some kind of decent answer for him---and once again---the I'm sorry is BS, and is meaningless---

What your H, is gonna be thinking is, of course your sorry---you are about to lose your nice cushy lifestyle, your gonna now have to go out and work yourself, one to two jobs, just to break even---and you are gonna wear the tag of cheater, who also has children-------so your H, now also wonders why are you staying in this mge---he is saying to himself---she can't love me---she only wants to stay cuz I am her bankroll-

---these things are what is running thru his mind, these things are what you had better have some kind of answer for


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## mablenc

ladylegs said:


> It hurts a lot. I haven't been able to eat or sleep well. If it wasn't for my kids, I don't know how I could hold it together. I'm not asking for my husband to pity me, I just wish he could be here to support me emotionally. I think we could support each other to get through this.


It's not pity, I think he should understand how you felt and the reason for your depression. If he was cheating I think he should own up to his fault in hurting you as well. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to get back on track. Rather than to let the accusations fly left and right, I think you both have lots of explaining to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc

Also, please see a doctor soon, you need to sleep and eat. Your kids still depend on you. Have you read any book, this one comes to mind " Now You Can Stop Your Divorce Or Lover's Rejection -- Even When Your Situation Seems Hopeless"

Divorce is not an Option
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

Ok, I'm saying this as someone who cheated on his spouse.

He owes you nothing, as far as a second chance goes. When you made the decision to cheat (and cheat repeatedly, over an 8 month period), you broke your wedding vows, and any rights that went along with them. You could ASK him for forgiveness and a second chance, but anything he chooses to offer is up to him.

If you want to show him that you've changed, then start owning your mess. Find a counsellor, start working on the reasons why you cheated. Continue to read in the infidelity forum for things that you can proactively start doing, including confessing to your family and his. If he sees that you're truly remorseful, he may see that you're worth a second chance. But you really mucked it up with denying everything and only confessing after your partner did. His friend showed more loyalty to him than you did.

Sorry to be harsh on you, but you're still floating along with a sense of entitlement and "it just happened". Every time you met your lover, or called him, or texted him a nude picture, you were making a conscious decision to betray your husband. The fact that it was with his best friend was the second betrayal. And the lie was the third. And still you feel entitled to a "second chance"...

C


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## JustSomeGuyWho

ladylegs said:


> Fair enough although I do feel as if I deserve another chance. I just feel that we both invested too much just to just walk away from it all. If he gave me another chance and we couldn't get it to work, then I could accept that.


I guess my question is why do you feel you deserve another chance? Not to come down on you or anything but simply to put things in perspective ... you've had 8 months of chances to end the affair. It only ended when you got caught. How many chances do you "deserve"? Now, you may want another chance and you certainly could ask him for another chance ... but he doesn't owe you another chance.

I do think that when explaining why you did it, you need to bring up how you felt when you thought he was cheating. You don't know for sure if he cheated and even if he did, that doesn't justify what you've done, but it certainly does put your state of mind in context and needs to be talked about. It should not be expressed as blame - only YOU are to blame for your decision to cheat - but it is important information for him to know.

EDIT: My wife has suffered from depression periodically throughout our marriage. She has only in the last few years been able to get it under control with medication. I can tell you being the spouse of someone going through depression is VERY difficult to deal with and some people don't handle it well. There is only so much understanding one can have before it wears on you, especially if it is undiagnosed or unmanaged. The first time I encountered it, it was a nightmare. It was only a couple of years after we were married and I thought for sure we were headed straight towards divorce. I pulled away from her but only because she constantly pushed me away. Keep that in mind because he probably felt similarly when you were going through depression as you did when you decided to cheat.


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## ubercoolpanda

I'm sorry but it doesn't seem as if you're remorseful. Would you have still been in the affair if your husband hadnt seen those texts? And would you have told your husband the truth if Matt hadn't have first? 

You don't sound very guilty. What steps have you taken to show your husband you're remorseful? Where is matt now, do you still talk?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin

ladylegs said:


> Yes, I've been open about everything since it was exposed. If I had knew that Matt was going to tell everything, I would have did so first. At least my husband would have heard it from me and that may have made things easier.


Sorry one more response (on this specific aspect)

Yes but actually the important bit is *before* it was exposed.

Fact is you'd still be lying to husband today had somebody else not taken the responsibility to expose unconnected to you.

Your husband _would never have heard it from you_ because you had a million and one chances to make that happen _but CHOSE not to_ 

That's why you'll get little respect because this littel bit that you put such small value on is actually EVERYTHING

It IS the reason (not the actual betrayal) why your chances of getting your husband back online are almost zero because that is the bit that will play in his head ( let alone the more obvious stuff) even if you do get a reconciliation of sorts.

This is your own self deception and one that is ingrained in a cheater 

Until you actually get to grips with this one "little bit" you have no chance 

........and deservedly so


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## Dyokemm

ladylegs,

IF you get a chance to reconcile your M, that will be the time to address all the issues in the marriage, including his friendship.

DO NOT bring it up now or you will be headed straight to divorce.

No matter your suspicions or feelings, until your H decides he wants to keep the M, the ONLY issue you need to deal with is your cheating.

If you in any way try to make this about him, you will probably guarantee yourself a divorce.


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## See_Listen_Love

ladylegs said:


> To make matters worse, I suspected my husband of cheating with a woman from his job. He would text her at all times of the day and he stayed very close with his phone. I managed to check his phone one day but I couldn't find anything pointing to a sexual relationship. It was just mostly friendly stuff about work and family. I told my husband that I wanted to meet her but he wouldn't let me. He said that he should have friends just like I did. This made me feel worse and I kept having a hunch that he was sleeping with this woman.


Eh....... it is still possible he has an EA/PA with this co-worker.

De red flags are undeniable. So yes, you could tell him this, the suspicion is valid in my eyes.

And the emotional distance that got between you is a problem that has to be adressed.

It is no justification for what you did, but he needs to weight these two issues in his consideration. The cheating is your fault, the marriage problems are your both' issue.


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## workindad

Op stop and read your posts. 
While your H was busting his butt to provide for the family, including gym membership for you. You were out banging his life long best friend for 8 months. 

You speak a lot about your feelings but very little about your husbands 

Aside from assuming his friend would be a dork 

You have a very low opinion of your H. So much so that you lie to him as well as break your vows. 

Why should be believe you will not do this again? He did give you a chance when he married you the. Again when he confronted you and you lied. 

Why do you deserve yet another chance? How do you think he feels? How would you feel if this were him with your best friend? 

What have you done so far to help your H recover from your actions? Coming here is a good start. 

Nothing that I wrote is intended to be harsh. I just hope you will stop and consider your husbands perspective and follow the constructive advice provided.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS

Both took a giant sh!t on their marriage. The H started the ball rolling by having an emotional affair with this co-worker at work. I don't care if anyone disagrees, but the husband drew first blood. The OP took her vengeance - but her vengeance was over the top. I would be one of those to say that a physical affair trumps an emotional affair - especially if that physical affair was with a close friend of the betrayed. It is even worse if they didn't use a condom. But at the end the day, both spouses wiped their asses with this marriage.

OP, did you and your OM use protection? You better own up to the truth with your husband, because I think good ole Matt will have already told your H everything. If Matt ejaculated inside of you, then I think it will be very hard for your H to overcome this.


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## Thound

what ever you do, when you talk to him dont try to justify your actions. Dont blame him for what happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza

LL, I am reconciled to my wife after her affair 23 years ago. I am going to try and explain my perspective on it to give you some idea of what may be in your husband's head. I apologise if any of this is hurtful. It is not my intention to hurt. It is my intention to give you ideas to reconcile.

The first thing is to understand that you have destroyed everything. If your husband agrees to work on reconciliation, it will result in the building of something new, not a continuation of what you had. And this is why he can walk away so quickly.

1) He thought you guys had something special. But your actions demonstrate you valued another man above your husband.

2) He thought he could trust you. Your actions prove he couldn't.

3) He wants to believe what you say. Your actions prove he can't. You lied until you were caught. Can you offer an example where you told an unpleasant truth to him that you didn't have to confess? 

4) This one is slightly less obvious. He was probably working hard at his career as an act of love for you, and you call it a fault and use it to justify an affair. Related to that, women in an affair often magnify the faults of their husband and say things that are quite unfair. Possibly in your justifications of the affair, you are blaming your husband for things that are your fault, and that really hurts. I can see at least one example of that in your posts....after what you have done you see it as a fault in your husband that he wants a divorce. Boy I hope you haven't said that to him. Cos how I felt, and how he may feel is "I gave her everything...went without so she could have more, and she told me it wasn't enough and threw it back in my face. What is the point of staying when my best isn't good enough?"

So....how does this help you reconcile?

Well...first thing is....it is out of your control. Your husband didn't get any say in your affair. You just did it. It doesn't matter what he did, what he gave...you made that choice and he had no power to stop you. And that is a hard thing to deal with, but the shoe is now on the other foot. You, bluntly, have no power to do anything unless your husband allows it. It's not a nice feeling. But it is part of what he feels....

Still, he loved you once....and the appearance of what he fell in love with is still there. 

So my suggestion is.....

1) Deal with your dishonesty. That doesn't mean make promises to him...because no matter how sincere you think you are he won't believe you. It means be honest. Start by giving him all the details...nothing left out. Trust me on this....if you keep secrets now and they come out later, it will be worse than it is now.

2) Put him and the kids first, if only as a sign of remorse. That counts for a lot, but it takes time....years. Years. Yes it's tough, but who caused this problem? You want to fix it...do the time.....

3) Consider some sort of counselling. You need to get to the point where you can recognise YOU did the wrong thing. Do NOT blame him, do NOT make excuses...cos trust me he won't be listening.

And then hope......

For what it is worth....I am still married and happy. It can be done. But I stayed for the kids.....if not for that things would have been very different. 

I hope it works out for you. Sorry that you are here.


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## Squeakr

mablenc said:


> I know I'm going against the crowed here, and have never before done so when it comes to cheating, but if any one of you can relate to the feeling that your spouse is cheating you can admit it not only sinks you to a low depression, it also can make you crazy. Nothing is more painful.
> 
> I'm not justifying her, she should have handled it better. She should have looked for evidence, and addres the problem. And the fact that it was her husbands friend is a low blow. But, please she came here for help.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I think that you are reading too much into this and using your added thoughts to support her and make your intuitions be more true. No where does she say that the depression is caused by his talking to another woman (just that after she became depressed that she kept feeding her depression when she found out about his friendship/ possible A). She admits that she went into depression because of her mother's death and being laid off from a job. Then her husband had to work huge hours just to support the family. If we are going to play the possibilities, it seems more logical that it was her depression from those events that led her husband to seek the counsel and friendship in the other woman (not saying it is right but could be the something that has caused him to stray, if in fact he even has as she has no evidence of an A?).

I think you need to re-read the OP and stop reading into it things that we don't know and focus on the things that she has admitted and we know for sure. Yes, there are red flags with the phone, but that doesn't mean he is cheating.


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## Suspecting

ladylegs said:


> Well we both have invested a lot in this marriage. I know that deep down, as much as he thinks he hates me, *I know he still loves me. We have kids and a home together. That should be worth something.* I've been open and submissive about everything. I don't see *how he can walk away* from us without at least giving me another chance, at least for his kids sake.


He is probably thinking your marriage, kids and home was worth nothing to you and that you don't love him. The fact that out of any other guy you picked his long time friend is making it much worse. Eight months is a long time. He sees this as you walking away from him eight months ago when you started the affair with his friend. This is how I would look at this. Might be impossbile to repair this big betrayal. I wish you luck.


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## Plan 9 from OS

Squeakr said:


> I think that you are reading too much into this and using your added thoughts to support her and make your intuitions be more true. No where does she say that the depression is caused by his talking to another woman (just that after she became depressed that she kept feeding her depression when she found out about his friendship/ possible A). She admits that she went into depression because of her mother's death and being laid off from a job. Then her husband had to work huge hours just to support the family. If we are going to play the possibilities, it seems more logical that it was her depression from those events that led her husband to seek the counsel and friendship in the other woman (not saying it is right but could be the something that has caused him to stray, if in fact he even has as she has no evidence of an A?).
> 
> I think you need to re-read the OP and stop reading into it things that we don't know and focus on the things that she has admitted and we know for sure. *Yes, there are red flags with the phone, but that doesn't mean he is cheating.*


LOL, I've seen the pitchforks, tar and feathers come out on less "proof" than was in the OP. But really: 1) constantly talking to a female co-worker, 2) having your phone "glued" to your hand and 3) getting highly defensive when the OP mentioned to her H how she did not like the time and attention her H was paying to this OW... C'mon. I know the OP being an admitted WS is very much in the wrong, and she betrayed her husband in a more brutal way than most other infidelity stories since the OM was a good friend of the H. But to gloss over the sins of the H, who by objective standards was having at a minimum an EA, is ludicrous.

BOTH SPOUSES are to blame for this steaming pile of sh!t. Now the kids get to see the fallout. Yay!...


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## MattMatt

You both made mistakes. Hopefully counselling can help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr

ladylegs said:


> Two years ago, I went through a deep depression. I got laid off and my mother passed away. At the time, my husband was working 14-18 hours a day just to keep food on the table. It took me about 6 months before I tried to get help and went to therapy.
> 
> I resented my husband a lot during this time. Part of the reason was because he was working too much and I was left to take care of the children while dealing with my emotional issues. Also, he made it seem like my depression was something I could just turn on and off like a light bulb. He said he cared for me but I never felt it during this time. He made me feel very alone.
> 
> It was like we were both caught up in the moment and didn't realize what was happening.
> 
> That moment didn't end until recently. I've been seeing Matt off and on for the past 8 months. I've had enough respect for my family that we never again had sex in our home. I would either go to his apartment or we would get a hotel. I justified my infidelity because I fooled myself into thinking that my husband was really cheating on me with that other woman.
> 
> A couple of weeks ago, my husband was out at a club with Matt. I don't know the exact details but somehow, my husband went though his phone and found text messages from me as well as nude pictures. My husband got in a fight with Matt and left him at the club. He came home and confronted me and I denied everything. The first thing that came to mind was to lie since I never set out to hurt him.
> 
> My husband left and called Matt. Matt told him every single detail about our relationship. He told him everything down to the day it started. At that point, I had no choice but to come clean about what I did.
> 
> 
> What can I tell my husband to convince him to give our marriage another chance. I apologized for cheating and lying but he acts like he doesn't care. How could it be that he can just turn on a dime and walk out on us after 11 years of marriage. I've humbled myself and I would do absolutely anything to have him back. I realize now that I had a good thing at home and I should have never cheated. He has agreed to meet me on tuesday morning for lunch and we can talk then. What should I say to him? I know that if I can get him to understand that I'm truly sorry, I should have a chance to win him back.


 You need to go back and read these things you have written. If your husband was working so hard, was he having the A at work, as working 14-18 hrs/day doesn't leave lots of time for meeting up, other than a quickie. You never say he was out after work, so maybe he was/ is having something at work but would that even be possible (not sure just asking this as not sure what he does at work and if the possibility would exists, with some professions/ jobs it would be impossible with the timing you present).

You state it as you didn't realize anything, but be truthful to all and you did know what was happening all along.

Stop being the martyr, not having sex in your house does not show respect for your H and family as you think it does. You were not going to stop the A until caught. So why should you "deserve" a second chance that you think you should? You stepped out on your H and kids and showed no remorse, other than choosing not to do the deed in your house, you lied to you H, when confronted, you lied again. Now you say that you are sorry, but it sounds like you are sorry for getting caught and that is it.

You have justified this throughout the post and continue to justify it as well. You state that you can't believe that he "would just turn on a dime and walk out on us". He walked out on you, not the family. Think about how you turned on a dime and walked out on the family and him every time you scheduled and had your A with the best friend. When did you give him a second chance (as to me it never sounds like you did. You convicted him from the start and still believe that he is cheating on you, even sans proof)? Flaunting that people were attracted to you in his face didn't help either. Did you ever think that maybe in the beginning your H wasn't having an A but your actions with the gym and flirting (maybe he saw Matt and you flirting) caused him to carry something further?


You have said enough and nothing else can be said to make him change his mind. It is now time for actions, if he is to ever see your true remorse (if you even have it), it will have to be through actions and not words. The first thing you can do is own your sh!t! Stop apologizing for what happened and take responsibility for it. You sound like a cake eater to me.

Just my $0.02.


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## Shaggy

ladylegs said:


> Yes, I've been open about everything since it was exposed. If I had knew that Matt was going to tell everything, I would have did so first. At least my husband would have heard it from me and that may have made things easier.


The real truth is you woukd still be banging Matt if your husband hand caught you.

You are confusing wanting your husband and guilt with not wanting to have gotten caught.

You didn't get religion and stop cheating - you got caught by your husband and he's doing the smart thing by realizing that you'd still be happily cheating on him and lying to his face.

My advice: give him very generous uncontested terms in the divorce, give him at least 50% custody, and no spousal support for you. You can get a job to pay your own way. And give him the house. You threw him and his financial support for you away.

Oh, and buy him a new bed to sleep in, as you and Matt ruined the marrital bed together,

The fact that you continued this affair for the last 8 months, and even when caught didn't have the respect to at least honestly tell your husband that you are a cheater says it all.

Have your husband come here, as this community can help him begin to pick up the pieces of his life after this betrayal and help him begin to move on.

Matt is a worthless piece of human filt to be banging you and at the sometime playing at being your husbands friend. That's almost a disgusting as the affair.

I hope your husband has dealt with Matt in a way that Matt will never forget or recover from, Matt is pond scum. 

Tell your husband to post that scumbag up on cheaterville.com

Tell your husband to call every mutual friend of him and Matt and tell them what a backstabbing ass Matt is, let everyone know that they should purge that scumbag from their lives forever, that Matt should be treated like he is dead.

If the above sounds harsh - answer this : would you be looking forward to your next bang session with Matt if you hadn't been caught? That right there is why your husband should be divorcing and moving on - you would happily be still cheating without worry or guilt. Why should your husband accept being used for plan B and killing himself to support you when you so easily backstab him like you do.


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## russell28

ladylegs said:


> I've had enough respect for my family that we never again had sex in our home. I would either go to his apartment or we would get a hotel.


Respect for your family would be to not have sex with another man.. the 'where' isn't the problem. Just an fyi...


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## lewmin

LL,

I also hope you realize that you were not that special to the POSOM. By following your account of the story, he saw an opportunity and was "grooming" you from day 1. He has a system that has worked before, and he has clearly done this before. Again, regardless of what romantic things he told you, this good looking guy just saw you as one of his conquests.


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## Squeakr

OP:
"Two years ago, I went through a deep depression. I got laid off and my mother passed away. At the time, my husband was working 14-18 hours a day just to keep food on the table. It took me about 6 months before I tried to get help and went to therapy."


Your words:"I'll say he cheating because you point out some red flags also as a wife you know. Which is why you sank into the depression. "

You blame the depression on him, but the truth is it was there for other reasons. If the depression was truly caused by his faults and his actions, then it would have been there prior to the lay off and death.

It is a open forum for discussion and as such, I am allowed to point out things just like you are. I have every right to point out your posts flaw just as you have mine, so long as it is done in an orderly fashion. You have no more rights to tell myself or others whom they are allowed to quote, respond to, or direct their response to. I haven't been insulting nor demeaning, so I have ever right to respond as I see fit (and don't say "stay on topic" as I am staying on topic by pointing out what the topic truly is, her infidelity and wanting to repair her marriage and not blame shifting to the H). If you care not for my contributions, then block me or ignore them. You have that right as well.


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## Shaggy

ladylegs said:


> Well we both have invested a lot in this marriage. I know that deep down, as much as he thinks he hates me, I know he still loves me. We have kids and a home together. That should be worth something. I've been open and submissive about everything. I don't see how he can walk away from us without at least giving me another chance, at least for his kids sake.


He's not walking away from his kids, he's walking away from the marriage that ended when you chose to betray him.

This woman at work sounds like nothing except that I suspect that you've trumpeted up his work relationship with her as away to justify your own cheating - it's so much easier in your own head if you aren't the only one who is cheating.

And it's not all about love - it's about trust and faith. 

When you chose to cheat you betrayed him. You showed through your own willing actions that you cannot be trusted and chose willingly to be unfaithful.

The when confronted you again betrayed him by lying to him.

He's read what you sent to Matt. He's read your own honest words when you weren't filtering them for his benefit, he's seen the true you.

That's why I don't think he will be back. He may still feel love for the woman he thought he was married to - but he now knows she doesn't exist. He saw the true you when he read you message and saw your naked photos to Matt.

I'm betting in your entire marriage you've never sent messages like that, or said things like you told Matt to your husband? Your husband will be taking those truths into account too.

I'm betting you also were far more adventurous sexually with Matt than you have ever been with your husband. It comes through in your posts that you see your husband as a dork who works too hard, while you see Matt as charming and exciting and desirable. Even now after the affair, you write nice things about Matt and you wonder why such a great guy like him would be friends with a loser dork like your husband.

Well now you know - he wasn't your husbands friend. Friends don't bang friends wives. Clearly Matt shares the view that your husband isn't as good as he is. I'm betting Matt was bragging to him about having taking his willing wife from him.

Again my advice
- have your husband come here to get help
- have your husband public ally out Matt for the backstabbing jerk he is
- give your husband the house and ask for no spousal support in the D.


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## Shaggy

MattMatt said:


> You both made mistakes. Hopefully counselling can help.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Her husband is working long hard hours at work to support his family. I don't see his mistake.

Meanwhile, she's gone through a depression that she blames her husband for even though it was actually a bunch of things that he didn't cause. And she's been having an affair for 8 months, including in his bed.

Sorry, but I don't see where the husband has done anything wrong except to invite the snake POSOM into his home and treat him with kindness. That was a huge mistake.


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## carmen ohio

ladylegs said:


> Yes it's very hard. What I meant about that comment was that *I didn't realize what effect this would have on my marriage.* I was just caught up in the emotions and feeling good and wanted at the time. I've always had self esteem issues but that's still no excuse for what happened.





ladylegs said:


> I told him that I didn't like that he talked to her so much but he just flipped it on me and told me that I'm jealous. As for Matt, I've spoken to him once since this happened and that was to tell him that he is not welcome here anymore. *He said that he was sorry for telling but he felt that he couldn't betray his friend any longer.*





ladylegs said:


> Fair enough although *I do feel as if I deserve another chance.* I just feel that we both invested too much just to just walk away from it all. If he gave me another chance and we couldn't get it to work, then I could accept that.





ladylegs said:


> Yes, I've been open about everything since it was exposed. *If I had knew that Matt was going to tell everything, I would have did so first.* At least my husband would have heard it from me and that may have made things easier.


Dear ladylegs,

You are still very much in denial over your adultery. Let's consider some of your comments.

First, you say you didn't realize what effect this would have on your marriage. Anybody of at least normal intelligence an having a basic understanding of morality and human feelings would know that cheating on her H with his friend would be devastating to him. Your denial of this simply indicates that you are still trying to justify your adultery. Stop that. Admit that what you did you did knowingly for your own selfish reasons and in the hope that your BH would not find out. If you can't accept and admit this, your BH will see through you and likely proceed to divorce you.

Second, when confronted by your BH, you lied but the OM told the truth. What this says is that the OM cared more about the truth and your BH's feelings than you did. Think about that, understand that, own that. Whether your marriage survives or not, you have some important growing to do as a person. What kind of person does what you did? You know the answer. What you need to do now is become a person who doesn't do such horrible things to someone who loves her.

Third, despite being told by several responders that your BH doesn't owe you anything, you continue to insist that he owes you another chance. As part of your rehabilitation, you need to understand and accept that, given what you have done, he owes you nothing. Look at it this way. You aren't asking for a second chance, you are looking for a free pass. You have had numerous chances already. You had the chance to honor your marriage vows but instead chose to commit adultery. The first time you cheated, you had the chance to tell your BH what you had done and ask for forgiveness but instead chose to continue the affair and hide it from him. Every time after that that you had sex with the OM, you had the chance to make it the last time, tell your BH and accept the consequences. You chose to continue cheating. When your BH confronted you, you had the chance to tell him the truth but you chose lie. So stop with the "I deserve another chance." What you are really saying is "Having been caught after doing everything possible to hide my adultery, I deserve not to have to suffer the consequences for repeatedly and heartlessly violating my BH's love and trust." As long as that is your attitude, there is no hope for your marriage or your rehabilitation.

Finally, you say that you would have admitted what you had done if you knew your BH would find out from someone else. This is about as low a moral standard as one can imagine. What would you think of a criminal who said "If I knew I would get caught, I wouldn't have robbed the bank"? Would you hold him in high regard or would you view him as purely an amoral opportunist? Well, this is you -- you admit that you can only be expected to be honest if you have no other choice. Now ask yourself, if you were married to someone like that, would you stay with him after he betrayed you in the most terrible manner?

You are getting a lot of good advice here but it will all be worthless unless you realize what an untrustworthy, uncaring and immoral person you have become and then work on yourself to change that.

Frankly, as you are right now -- trying to justify your adultery and insisting that your BH owes you another chance -- your BH should divorce you. If you can admit the depths of your betrayal, accept that you deserve nothing from him, try to figure out how you could have been so cruel and dishonest and work on yourself to become the kind of person you know you should be, then and only then will you deserve a better life than the one that is before you.

Wishing you the enlightenment and courage you will need to fix yourself.


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## JCD

I haven't read all the responses, but here is the situation you face.

Your husband has a 'friend' (I am not sure how deep that friendship is. MAYBE he was cheating with her...maybe it's an Emotional Affair...or maybe they are just friends). If he hasn't been physical with her before, it was out of loyalty to the marriage.

That's gone now.

You have eleven years invested. And...he's had eleven years to become bored. I believe (only a theory) that men don't work as hard at R with infidelity a) because they are naturally possessive and jealous but also b) because once a woman has released them from their vows, they are now 'free' to find new blood. Many men like new blood. And you've given him the moral green light to go find some.

So...your argument to your husband needs to be couched in financial and familial terms. Talk up the kids. Talk up the fiscal devastation divorce brings. Bring up the in laws. Talk about friends...talk about losing the house.


Do NOT talk up yourself as a selling point. You will have the opposite effect. You are the woman who drove him nuts for 6 months with depression and cheated on him for 8 more when you finally 'got well'.

So...send him texts telling him what you are doing. Don't bother calling. Short messages. "Seeing a counselor' "Taking care of the kids' "I'm sorry" "I have cut all ties with Matt and blocked his number'.

Do not expect any responses, but he will likely read them. Oh...most important.

"You are in control of what you do. I hope you are wise and think hard about the choices you make because they will affect us all."

Good luck


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## LiJo

hy Ladylegs,
excuse me... My husband cheated on me and i asked him, how would you feel when i made this?

how would you feel if you would know that i have another Man? another Man who touched me and you would know I wanted this, another man who kissed me and you would know i WANTED it? how would you feel if you would know another mans penis came into my body and I WANTED IT?

Ask yourself how would you feel when your husband did this? HOW?
You are a mother, you are a wife, i really can not understand this. 8 Months is a long time!!!!! This makes me so angry... sorry. 



> don't see how he can walk away from us without at least giving me another chance, at least for his kids sake.


Are you kidding me? Have you thought the last 8 months on your kids and family? 

SHOW him how much you love him and give him time...


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## Kallan Pavithran

What might have you done if your husband was banging your best friend for 8 months right under your nose, in your home, in your presence (back stage romance behind him) and partying with her while you sit their clueless?

What you might have done if the tabl were reversed? Would you given him a second chance?
You seems remorseless or guilt ridden for what you have done but feels like an entitled princes who is shocked to see your husband walking away, you are surprised why he is not coming home and listening to your Bull Sh1t stories and perusing you for a second chance.

From the beging when you started going out and when you got hits from men and you started noticing it you were looking for one to cheat and OM was a player who utilized you as a piece of meat, but he had the dignity to tell the truth which you didn't even have (You told you might have told the truth if you know OM is going to tell the complete truth)

He did what a self respectful man do even the marriage is for 11 yrs or 50 yrs. You dont deserve anything less than that considering the nature of your double betrayal.

He owe you nothing and he dint walk away from your kids he just walk away from you.
If he offer you a second chance its his gift not your right or he owe that, Its his gift.

Stop finding excuses for your affair, you got better from your depression when you took medicine and this cheating took place after that.

Ten what to do give him space, dont hurry for R, let him take his time to decide what he needs in his life. you had eight months for that let him take his own time. Then at least be truth now dont make him call matt again and hear something different from him.


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## crazyace

Dear Ladylegs, Can you please help me understand your situation better ?
You were in depression and resented your husband. In this resentment you never saw your husband as a good husband or a good father. right ?
You had an affair with his HS friend because he made you feel good and your husband did not. right ?
Out of respect to your husband, you had an affair with HIS HS friend outside your house. right ?
Then , your husband found out , You lied, HS friend told him the truth, right ?
So now , how is that you suddenly started realising that your husband was infact a giid husband ??? 
where is that resentment ???
Why dont you tell him that you resent him because he was working and you thought he was having an affair ???
Also, his HS friend made you feel good and your husband did not ? Then why are you still int he house asking for your husband to return ??? You must be packing all and going with the HS friend right ? He makes you feel good not your husband right ?
What are your crying for ? Sorry I do not understand ?? It seems you are looking for your husband to take care of the children and the finances while you can carry on frinding feel good factors outside..
Also that HS friend, it seems , now has put you under the Bus , so now suddenly you have no one , and ONLY BECAUSE OF THIS, youa re crying and asking your husband to protect you and take care of you .. Had it been that his HS friend had supported you, you would have gleefully walked out ... Am i right ?? Think about this .. 
Hopefully you can answer this truthfully and find some answers for yourself as well ...


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## JCD

Rookie4 said:


> Well, once again, a poster has been driven away by the constant snarky, crappy comments of a few hate-filled posters. I'm no Mod, but I'm going to start calling posts that have nothing positive to say or no good advice to give , but only want to insult and defame. TAM dose not need such posters because they are no help to anybody.


Let's hope not. It's only been a day.

Ladylegs...if you are still reading, understand that some of these 'negative' posts are simply to describe what your husband is feeling and how HE looks at your actions, since you seem unable to fully understand this.

You aren't a bad person but you've done a bad thing. The first step is to stop doing the bad thing. Now comes the tough part...


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## Dad&Hubby

ladylegs said:


> Fair enough although I do feel as if I deserve another chance. I just feel that we both invested too much just to just walk away from it all. If he gave me another chance and we couldn't get it to work, then I could accept that.


And THAT right there is why you won't get it.

I'm going to be blunt because you don't deserve kid gloves based on how you're acting here.

You dont deserve SQUAT. Listen carefully. You ripped your husbands love, trust, all of those 18 hour days (you think he LIKED doing that to support his family?) and SPIT on it. You wiped your a$$ with your marriage and then think you DESERVE something from him.

Get over yourself. You haven't "humbled" yourself enough. You're entitled and frankly I wonder if your story is even real.

The problems you show within yourself WREAK of this being a troll so if its not...you need to really figure some things out.


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## Dad&Hubby

ladylegs said:


> It hurts a lot. I haven't been able to eat or sleep well. If it wasn't for my kids, I don't know how I could hold it together. I'm not asking for my husband to pity me, I just wish he could be here to support me emotionally. I think we could support each other to get through this.


That's like asking the person who stole your car to help you go shopping for a new one. REALLY?!?!

He needs support emotionally BECAUSE of you, not WITH you.


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## youkiddingme

If this is for real.... you need to wake up and realize that you have just blown his world up!!! He will need weeks.....maybe months.... just to catch his breath and breathe again!!!!! Back off. GEt your act together. Give him room and time to absorb what you have done to him. Don't try to get him to stay. Shut up.... and just serve him, and act like the woman he loved. But keep your mouth shut. You blew his heart up. 

And don't say stupid things like this: How could it be that he can just turn on a dime and walk out on us after 11 years of marriage.

You betrayed him.... that is a game changer. It does not seem like you understand what you have done. It will require an amazing man to have the heart to give your marriage another shot. Give him time and wake up to what you have done.

And quit feeling sorry for yourself. You are the guilty party.


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## BjornFree

JCD said:


> So...your argument to your husband needs to be couched in financial and familial terms. Talk up the kids. Talk up the fiscal devastation divorce brings. Bring up the in laws. Talk about friends...talk about losing the house.


Now this is an excellent strategy except for the kids, that could go either way. 

But, it looks like your husband is done.

You might want to read a thread in the Private Section by another member named tears. Her husband divorced her over a ONS. So don't get your hopes about R too high.


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## here2learn

LL -- I can understand how the affair happened, and am not surprised, given the lack of boundaries. If you're not actively affair-proofing your marriage by limiting one-on-one interaction with members of the opposite sex and nipping any attempts at flirtations in the bud, it often is just a matter of time before an affair ensues (I've gathered from reading and learning from this forum). 

Two observations, and one suggestion. First, when you suspected your husband of carrying on an affair, you were justified in feeling hurt and left out. It seemed that he was carrying on an emotional affair, at a minimum, and he did not respect your wishes for him to stop. So your husband contributed to the problems within your marriage. But the answer is not to engage in an affair yourself. You needed to address your H's EA head on.

Second, you seem to think you deserve a second chance due to the 11 years of commitment and by having his children. If you take that to its logical conclusion, then you are saying your sacrifices in the past entitled you (and him) to cheat, and then be deserving of another chance. While some betrayed spouses can eventually decide to reconcile after infidelity, it should not be a given that cheating spouses be given a free pass. Who knows, your H may decide to attempt reconciliation in the future, but please do not feel entitled to such.

In any future relationships, I think you (and all of us) will be better served to address problems head on, rather than escalate the harm shown to each other by engaging in extramarital relationships. I am sorry that you are in this situation. I believe that you didn't think the affair would destroy your marriage; otherwise, I'm sure you would've taken measures that the flirting stopped well before it became physical.


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## nogutsnoglory

ladylegs said:


> It hurts a lot. I haven't been able to eat or sleep well. If it wasn't for my kids, I don't know how I could hold it together. I'm not asking for my husband to pity me, I just wish he could be here to support me emotionally. I think we could support each other to get through this.


You think he owes you something after this? Wow... Considering what you did, where you did it, with whom you did it, for the length of time you did this, and the fact you would still be doing it if not caught (very important) shows a level of selfishness that will require therapy, both for you to even be aware of how selfish a person you appear to be, and then how to work on not being so.

Good Luck..


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I was in your husbands shoes. As a BS I left. There was NO mending the relationship. I was very firm and I moved on.

Let your husband be. It does not sound like he wants to continue this marriage.


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## Wazza

nogutsnoglory said:


> I think what he meant (and yes its My opinion only) is that the person wronged will never feel as safe as they once did. The relationship is now changed forever. You may R but you will never forget what was done to you. You will never trust 100% again. Some say they do but most of us will say we do not believe them.


That is true.

But I don't see it in his words.

And if I left my wife I would never trust anyone else 100% either.


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## Rookie4

Wazza said:


> That is true.
> 
> But I don't see it in his words.
> 
> And if I left my wife I would never trust anyone else 100% either.


 I , personally don't believe that the OP is remorseful enough for true Reconciliation, but this isn't unusual. There have been a lot of WS's who think that past or future good behavior mitigates against their infidelity.


----------



## nogutsnoglory

Wazza said:


> That is true.
> 
> But I don't see it in his words.
> 
> And if I left my wife I would never trust anyone else 100% either.


I agree no one else will be trusted 100% either. That sense of security is gone forever.


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## awake1

nogutsnoglory said:


> I agree no one else will be trusted 100% either. That sense of security is gone forever.


but it was a false sense of security to begin with. So it's not like somehow your life is any different or the world is different. 

You just found out you were delusional. You really CANNOT trust anyone else 100%.


----------



## nogutsnoglory

awake1 said:


> but it was a false sense of security to begin with. So it's not like somehow your life is any different or the world is different.
> 
> You just found out you were delusional. You really CANNOT trust anyone else 100%.


when you get married you give that level of trust to your partner and expect it back. It is not wrong to try and give 100% trust and yes as many will attest it does change your life the day you learn you are not able to trust that way any longer.
I agree with you that we should not give 100% trust to anyone but that does not mean that even with 75% or 99% that our lives are not changed on dd.


----------



## that_girl

You deserve nothing.

He deserved a wife he could trust, not a wife who fell into another man's arms and didn't realize what impact it would have on her marriage.


Cheating kills relationships. We learned that a long time ago. Have you thought of getting help for your low self esteem?


----------



## Headspin

ladylegs said:


> It hurts a lot. I haven't been able to eat or sleep well. If it wasn't for my kids, I don't know how I could hold it together. I'm not asking for my husband to pity me, *I just wish he could be here to support me emotionally.* I think we could support each other to get through this.


In what way do you think he could support you?
How would you envisage this?


----------



## aug

lifeistooshort said:


> I haven't read all six pages of comments but while I'm not going to excuse your cheating I think your hb had something going on with the coworker. Seriously, hiding his phone/secretive texts just smacks of it, and "you're just jealous" charge is often used by people behaving inappropriately as they know they're doing something wrong. You NEVER tell your spouse "you're just jealous", and if someone showed up here absent their own affair with that charge people would be all over it. Let your hb go, but should he decide he wants to reconcile at some point definitely own your choices but don't let this coworker thing go. He's probably banging her now, if he wasn't already, since your affair gave him a green light.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I dont see how. OP tried so many ways to prove it, to catch him and couldn't. More likely, it's an attempt to justify to herself.


----------



## lifeistooshort

aug said:


> I dont see how. OP tried so many ways to prove it, to catch him and couldn't. More likely, it's an attempt to justify to herself.



I disagree. It doesn't justify anything she did anyway so in that sense it doesn't matter. But her husband's behavior had all kinds of red flags, the fact that she didn't catch him could only mean he covered himself well. If he had nothing to hide he wouldn't be hiding anything, and nobody who respects their spouse would tell them "you're just jealous" when talking to opposite sex friend that they have hidden communications with. Imagine some random guy came on here posting about his wife secretly chatting up a male friend and telling him he was just jealous when he objected. The board would go crazy telling him to alpha up and [email protected] block. How is this different? Her affair is a separate issue, but if they were ever to consider reconciling both of these need to be dealt with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bugmenot

It seems to me that the affair is bad enough but compound that with sleeping with his "good friend" - the pain must be excruciating for him. A "friend" you opened your life up to, then sleeps with your wife for 8 months. I can not even begin to imagine the level of pain and betrayal her husband is going through.


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## richie33

Say the husbands is guilty of a EA, which she found no proof what so ever, that's justification of banging his friend on the couch he paid for, in the home he pays the mortgage on, for 8 months, sending naked pictures of herself to the guy? Sorry but there is a huge difference. 
Plus the OP would still be banging good old Matt if the husband didn't see his "friends" phone. If I was the husband I would want a DNA test for his children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc

OP, tomorrow is the big day, I hope you read up on any and all advice provided. If you have any chance at all to work things out you must be willing to be very sincere to him. 

This is what I suggest:

You must be willing to do the heavy lifting and everything he ask from you and more. Meaning he could ask for you to divorce. You need to respect his wishes. Don't guilt him into staying for the kids. You need to take full responsibility, you chose to have the affair and run it for as long as it went. You had options that didn't involve cheating.

Read up on hysterical bonding, this could happen, it may not lead to reconsiliatiion. You are sitting in the mercy seat, do not blame shift, do not insult him, do not lie. Be as humble as you ever thought possible.

He may be angry, cry,may not show or want to rug sweep. If he wants to work things out, do not rug sweep. It may be tempting because you "go back to normal life" but it doesn't work long term. If he needs time apart you need to wait patiently don't wait a week and become a single wild woman. He needs to see your commitment.

If he agrees to stay, you need to work together if he's open see a MC and seek IC for you. You need to address the depression you mentioned earlier.

Take care of your kids, let him see them, don't use them as bait. Don't tell the kids to say phrases that will guilt him. 
It's his choice, you are going to have to prove to him it will be worth it if he stays.
It may help to write a letter, emotions will be running high and you may forget to say something. You cannot apologize enough to him, so start with that.

I wish you luck 

*This is only my opinion and suggestions


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## Rookie4

aug said:


> I dont see how. OP tried so many ways to prove it, to catch him and couldn't. More likely, it's an attempt to justify to herself.


Very possible, Aug.


----------



## jim123

mablenc said:


> OP, tomorrow is the big day, I hope you read up on any and all advice provided. If you have any chance at all to work things out you must be willing to be very sincere to him.
> 
> This is what I suggest:
> 
> You must be willing to do the heavy lifting and everything he ask from you and more. Meaning he could ask for you to divorce. You need to respect his wishes. Don't guilt him into staying for the kids. You need to take full responsibility, you chose to have the affair and run it for as long as it went. You had options that didn't involve cheating.
> 
> Read up on hysterical bonding, this could happen, it may not lead to reconsiliatiion. You are sitting in the mercy seat, do not blame shift, do not insult him, do not lie. Be as humble as you ever thought possible.
> 
> He may be angry, cry,may not show or want to rug sweep. If he wants to work things out, do not rug sweep. It may be tempting because you "go back to normal life" but it doesn't work long term. If he needs time apart you need to wait patiently don't wait a week and become a single wild woman. He needs to see your commitment.
> 
> If he agrees to stay, you need to work together if he's open see a MC and seek IC for you. You need to address the depression you mentioned earlier.
> 
> Take care of your kids, let him see them, don't use them as bait. Don't tell the kids to say phrases that will guilt him.
> It's his choice, you are going to have to prove to him it will be worth it if he stays.
> It may help to write a letter, emotions will be running high and you may forget to say something. You cannot apologize enough to him, so start with that.
> 
> I wish you luck
> 
> *This is only my opinion and suggestions


Vert good advise except if op wants him she should then fight for him.

If op is too agreeable to splitting then he will assume op loves Matt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rookie4

mablenc said:


> OP, tomorrow is the big day, I hope you read up on any and all advice provided. If you have any chance at all to work things out you must be willing to be very sincere to him.
> 
> This is what I suggest:
> 
> You must be willing to do the heavy lifting and everything he ask from you and more. Meaning he could ask for you to divorce. You need to respect his wishes. Don't guilt him into staying for the kids. You need to take full responsibility, you chose to have the affair and run it for as long as it went. You had options that didn't involve cheating.
> 
> Read up on hysterical bonding, this could happen, it may not lead to reconsiliatiion. You are sitting in the mercy seat, do not blame shift, do not insult him, do not lie. Be as humble as you ever thought possible.
> 
> He may be angry, cry,may not show or want to rug sweep. If he wants to work things out, do not rug sweep. It may be tempting because you "go back to normal life" but it doesn't work long term. If he needs time apart you need to wait patiently don't wait a week and become a single wild woman. He needs to see your commitment.
> 
> If he agrees to stay, you need to work together if he's open see a MC and seek IC for you. You need to address the depression you mentioned earlier.
> 
> Take care of your kids, let him see them, don't use them as bait. Don't tell the kids to say phrases that will guilt him.
> It's his choice, you are going to have to prove to him it will be worth it if he stays.
> It may help to write a letter, emotions will be running high and you may forget to say something. You cannot apologize enough to him, so start with that.
> 
> I wish you luck
> 
> *This is only my opinion and suggestions


This is what I'm talking about. Mablenc has given good advice, without insults yet does NOT condone or coddle the OP's bad behavior.


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## Rookie4

OP, I hope that you will come back to TAM. You will find that there are lots of posters who will not bash you but really want to help. Listen to them and ignore the others.


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## Rookie4

jim123 said:


> Vert good advise except if op wants him she should then fight for him.
> 
> If op is too agreeable to splitting then he will assume op loves Matt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 a good point, she needs to make sure that her husband knows that she wants to R but will put his wants before her own.


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## Shaggy

Rookie4 said:


> a good point, she needs to make sure that her husband knows that she wants to R but will put his wants before her own.


But rookie , no where does it seem that her husband wants to give her yet another opportunity to betray him. He's got burned twice and he's moving on.

He also knows that if not for his discovery on his own, she would still be continuing the affair right now.

He's put 2+2 together and realized that his marriage these last 8 months have been a total lie, and if he had her way, it would still be going on, if not for his interference.

Giving someone advice on how to empty the ocean with a spoon, when you know it's not going to work isn't helping, it's just fueling the self delusion.

If she actually cared for him, she'd instead be asking how to help him through his pain and suffering. Instead she is asking for help in avoiding the very traditional, and reasonable consequences of her choice to have a 8 month affair.

It's like if someone posted here that they got caught stealing from work, and they were looking for help to say to their boss that they were sorry they got caught and didn't want to fired. After all, the employer has a lot invested in their training and knowledge to just fire them for stealing.

What would you advise such an employee?


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## ladylegs

Today was a really horrible day for me. My husband sent me a text this morning and said that he doesn't want to see me on tomorrow. He says that he's just not ready to meet and he is still hurting over what I did. I can understand how he feels and I do know I hurt him. He just doesn't seem to understand that that is tearing me up just as much as him if not more! I feel so guilty and I feel like my life has been torn apart. I have begged and pleaded with him all day and he has just been ignoring my calls and responding on his own time throughout the day.

I really don't know what I should do at this point. I have a friend that suggests that I go to his job on tomorrow to talk to him. She even says that she would go with me. I really like the idea of seeing him but I don't want him to be pissed at me even more. She says that this would show him how far I'm willing to go to say I'm sorry.


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## BjornFree

ladylegs said:


> Today was a really horrible day for me. My husband sent me a text this morning and said that he doesn't want to see me on tomorrow. He says that he's just not ready to meet and he is still hurting over what I did. I can understand how he feels and I do know I hurt him. He just doesn't seem to understand that that is tearing me up just as much as him if not more! I feel so guilty and I feel like my life has been torn apart. I have begged and pleaded with him all day and he has just been ignoring my calls and responding on his own time throughout the day.


You need to give him time. Just because you're begging and pleading doesn't mean he should respond. You complained about the fact that he chose turn his back on a 11 year marriage the moment he caught you cheating. Did you not notice the fact that every time you had sex with your OM, you were turning your back on and taking a big dump on your marriage? And yet, you complain about him not responding to you? Maybe you need to look into your own lack of empathy and your sense of entitlement and selfishness as being the major reasons of your cheating. Blunt advice, not really what you want to hear but that's how I see it.



> I really don't know what I should do at this point. I have a friend that suggests that I go to his job on tomorrow to talk to him. She even says that she would go with me. I really like the idea of seeing him but I don't want him to be pissed at me even more. She says that this would show him how far I'm willing to go to say I'm sorry.


No don't bring your drama into his workplace. As an employer I would't want one of my employees and his wife airing out dirty laundry in public. If you and him meet, it should be on his terms. Your friend is advising you to manipulate him in a certain way. You'll give him no breathing space to voice his problems with you, you will corner him and force him to accept meeting you someplace else if you do show up at his office. Suppose he refuses, what then? Are you going to throw a hissy fit?

Listen, there's no point sweet talking your husband into giving you another chance. Your best bet is to quietly start working on yourself and that means doing everything possible to be a better person. Go to affair counselling on your own, read books. Do the hard work and pray that your husband gives you another chance. As I mentioned earlier, read up on tears' thread in the private section. It might open your eyes to the fact that you're not entitled to reconciliation even if you are remorseful.


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## JCD

ladylegs said:


> Today was a really horrible day for me. My husband sent me a text this morning and said that he doesn't want to see me on tomorrow. He says that he's just not ready to meet and he is still hurting over what I did. I can understand how he feels and I do know I hurt him. He just doesn't seem to understand that that is tearing me up just as much as him if not more! I feel so guilty and I feel like my life has been torn apart. I have begged and pleaded with him all day and he has just been ignoring my calls and responding on his own time throughout the day.
> 
> I really don't know what I should do at this point. I have a friend that suggests that I go to his job on tomorrow to talk to him. She even says that she would go with me. I really like the idea of seeing him but I don't want him to be pissed at me even more. She says that this would show him how far I'm willing to go to say I'm sorry.



May I respectfully disagree. You think you'll show up with his favorite outfit, perhaps a bit of cleavage showing and your hair done up right and he'll imagine that weekend at the beach, the sweet love you shared late at night...those cookies you baked for him one winter morning.

Sorry...right now, all he imagines when he sees you is you naked cuddled up to Matt after sex telling him you love him. Which is why I stated to give him distance and keep in touch with him via texts.

Here is an exercise for you: Recall the texts you sent Matt...and imagine that instead of stupid family stuff, that you husband sent THEM to this other woman? How does that make you feel? And yet you ACTUALLY sent them to Matt.

He has a lot of thinking to do and a lot of pain to heal. Let him lick his wounds in peace.

Now...you think it's CRITICAL that you see him, touch him, explain to him RIGHT NOW and that you need to start making things up to him immediately. Well...that is what YOU want.

HE wants some time. So when you say you'll do anything, DO ANYTHING!

HE asked for time. Give it to him.


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## ladylegs

Even if I wanted to dress sexy and try to seduce him on the job, I doubt I could pull it off. I really just want to sit down and talk to him. I want to tell him how I feel and how I'm sorry I hurt him. I've told him these things over the phone and through the texts but he isn't getting the message. I thought that if we talked in person, he would truly understand how much he means to me and how much we need him.


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## crazyace

Dear LadyLegs, Can you kidly try and answer the questions I put in my post before ? They are tough but they are honest and will help you realise things about you and your husbands mind frame better. will also help you determine a direction bteer..


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## WorkingOnMe

How much he means to you???? Can't you see how hollow that sounds? I'm sensing regret at getting caught more than remorse. I think your husband is doing the right thing. He sounds like a good man who deserves to find a good woman.


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## Mr Blunt

> By Ladylegs
> What can I tell my husband to convince him to give our marriage another chance. What should I say to him? I know that if I can get him to understand that I'm truly sorry, I should have a chance to win him back.


Saying your sorry may help a little but I doubt it. Your husband does not belive your words now. *ACTIONS are what counts!*




> By Ladylegs
> Today was a really horrible day for me. My husband sent me a text this morning and said that he doesn't want to see me on tomorrow. He says that he's just not ready to meet and he is still hurting over what I did. I can understand how he feels and I do know I hurt him. He just doesn't seem to understand that that is tearing me up just as much as him if not more! I feel so guilty and I feel like my life has been torn apart. I have begged and pleaded with him all day and he has just been ignoring my calls and responding on his own time throughout the day.
> 
> *I really don't know what I should do at this point*. I have a friend that suggests that I go to his job on tomorrow to talk to him. She even says that she would go with me. I really like the idea of seeing him but I don't want him to be pissed at me even more. She says that this would show him how far I'm willing to go to say I'm sorry.


*



“I really don't know what I should do at this point”

Click to expand...

*Please stop saying that it makes it look like you wnat to avid the truth! You have been told what you should do by many on this thread. *If you decide to ignore these people and the actions they recommend then you will never get your husband back.*

I am just going to mention a few posters that have given you as good advice as any good counselor would give.

Wazza *(Over 20 years of successful R)*

Carmen Ohio

Mabelnc

Those are just a few as I have not read all the posts yet.

Ladylegs, your judgment has been very poor of late. You may want to consider others that have A LOT better judgment than you have. *If you do not listen to the good posts on this forum and act upon them you are just about hopeless for getting a successful R.*

I know people can recover after infidelity as I also have over 20 years of successful recovery. You will only have a chance to get your husband back if you stop ignoring those that have a lot more wisdom and experience than you do and act upon the advice. *Even if your husband never takes you back you can become a much better person for yourself and your children. *



Blunt


----------



## Shaggy

ladylegs said:


> Even if I wanted to dress sexy and try to seduce him on the job, I doubt I could pull it off. I really just want to sit down and talk to him. I want to tell him how I feel and how I'm sorry I hurt him. I've told him these things over the phone and through the texts but he isn't getting the message. I thought that if we talked in person, he would truly understand how much he means to me and how much we need him.


He has heard your messages, he simply no longer believes anything you tell him.

You need to understand that he no longer trusts you - so continuing to pester him trying to talk him into giving you a third chance is never going to work.


----------



## ladylegs

crazyace said:


> Dear Ladylegs, Can you please help me understand your situation better ?
> You were in depression and resented your husband. In this resentment you never saw your husband as a good husband or a good father. right ?
> You had an affair with his HS friend because he made you feel good and your husband did not. right ?
> Out of respect to your husband, you had an affair with HIS HS friend outside your house. right ?
> Then , your husband found out , You lied, HS friend told him the truth, right ?
> So now , how is that you suddenly started realising that your husband was infact a giid husband ???
> where is that resentment ???
> Why dont you tell him that you resent him because he was working and you thought he was having an affair ???
> Also, his HS friend made you feel good and your husband did not ? Then why are you still int he house asking for your husband to return ??? You must be packing all and going with the HS friend right ? He makes you feel good not your husband right ?
> What are your crying for ? Sorry I do not understand ?? It seems you are looking for your husband to take care of the children and the finances while you can carry on frinding feel good factors outside..
> Also that HS friend, it seems , now has put you under the Bus , so now suddenly you have no one , and ONLY BECAUSE OF THIS, youa re crying and asking your husband to protect you and take care of you .. Had it been that his HS friend had supported you, you would have gleefully walked out ... Am i right ?? Think about this ..
> Hopefully you can answer this truthfully and find some answers for yourself as well ...





crazyace said:


> Dear LadyLegs, Can you kidly try and answer the questions I put in my post before ? They are tough but they are honest and will help you realise things about you and your husbands mind frame better. will also help you determine a direction bteer..


It's not that I didn't see him as a good husband. It's that I never experienced depression before. He has never experienced either and has always had it easy with keeping his emotions under control. He said he understood what I was going through but I never felt that he understood. He thought that I could just turn it on at the flip of switch and want to go out, have fun, and enjoy life. He didn't understand that I felt lonely and stressed out over even the smallest things. That's what made me resent him.

The reason why I say Matt made me feel good is because of all the attention he showed up. I was strong at first but I eventually gave in. My husband was too caught up in the routine and we were not reminding each other how much we loved one another. That's still no excuse. I now know that I should have focused my attention on my husband instead of trying to seek affection elsewhere.

I'm crying for many reasons. First, I feel guilty about what I did. I know this hurt him even though that was not my original intention. I'm crying because the marriage we spent years building came down in a matter of minutes. I'm trying to rebuild but he won't even give me a chance.


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## ladylegs

Shaggy said:


> He has heard your messages, he simply no longer believes anything you tell him.
> 
> You need to understand that he no longer trusts you - so continuing to pester him trying to talk him into giving you a third chance is never going to work.


Ok fair enough that he doesn't trust me. What other option do I have to get him to trust me without communicating with him in some way. I feel that he just keeps thinking about what happened, things will only get worse and he will never trust me again. Can't I salvage what little love he may still have for me even though he pretends that he doesn't?


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## tom67

Lady it's not the affair it's the blatant lies that usually kill the marriage sigh show him constant remorse even help him with the divorce if that's what he wants- it takes month's to finalize it so you have time.


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## jnj express

first---do not go anywhere near his workplace---he sure as he*l doesn't need the drama---and his boss doesn't want that kind of crap going on either

You had better get some other reasoning as excuse for what you did---you will get roasted, if you try to justify, with what you are saying

You had to know/know what the results of infidelity are---you know the consequences---of cheating----you see it in movies/books/hear it in music/read about it in the papers/see it on t v----and I am sure you have had personal experience with people you know that have cheated/been cheated on,-----you cannot really justify anything---you knew what could/would happen if you cheated---and you cheated anyway---and instead of doing it once, and realizing you were destroying your family, you kept on---then when your H, actually knew you were cheating---you lied to him

You at one time could have challenged him as to his EA---you let that slide---you never pushed hard about solving the marital problems----you also did nothing to spice up a same old, same old, boring mge---which DOES happen in most all mge's----but spouses who want their mge to work, spend the time working on the problems---you sought answers to your perceived marital problems, by having an A---and only stopped, when you were outed

You really have no leg to stand on------best you start to do what is necessary to correct your own problems---those problems which you keep bringing up, that have destroyed a mge, destroyed a H, destroyed your kids, and are now destroying you

If your H, leaves---he leaves---there is nothing you can do about it-----You had chances to work on the mge---you didn't----you could have forced him to stop his EA---you didn't--you could have/should have worked on the mge you didn't-----instead, you had an A, and "dissed" your H----best you get yourself a lawyer, and prepare to defend yourself, for the coming D.


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## ladylegs

So the message I'm getting is that I should just let me marriage slip away. Well I was raised that if you love someone, you should fight for them. What kind of woman would I be if I just gave him everything he wanted in a divorce without any sort of struggle? That would make it seem like I wanted to divorce and that he's been living a lie.

I owe him more than that. His life has not been a lie. Now I don't want to downplay what I did because yes, it's the biggest betrayal possible. I feel like **** right now and I regret so many things. I love him to much to let him go like this. I feel like I should be fighting for my marriage for my sake and my children's.


----------



## Carlchurchill

Like most marriages after a couple of children and 10+ years together the lust for one another all but disappears, you may even start questioning your love for each other and the kids become the glue in the marriage. Hell if your husband told you your hair looks beautiful today or your ass looks great in that vs Matt telling you the same thing, I can bet the butterflies in your stomach will only do flips from Matt's attention...

Couple this with your depression and questions regarding your husbands fidelity I feel that in your defense you were a very soft target, and Matt took advantage of you.

Your husband clearly trusted Matt, otherwise he would not have left the two of you alone together that 1st night he went to work. Did you ever tell your husband that Matt was flirting with you inappropriately? Or you probably liked it too much at the time to want him to stop.

4 months in to sleeping with Matt, what were your thoughts?


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## aug

Your main problem here are:

1. you cheated, you had an affair;
2. you picked his good friend as your affair partner/lover;
3. you lied and got caught.

Double betrayal for him: wife as an adulteress with his good friend. That's a huge mountain of betrayal to overcome. And the fact you and your lover (his friend) did it right underneath his nose. That's deep damage.

You dont seem to appreciate the deep devastation you caused. When you do, and show true remorse, then there's hope for reconciliation perhaps.

Right now what you wrote and your thinking/action are not of remorse. Some guilt perhaps. Some reluctance to pay your consequences perhaps. Not remorse though.

When you took up long term affair with your lover, your marriage and your children were not a strong enough concern for you. I have a hard time seeing how all of a sudden they are now. 

Find remorse if you can. If you have to look hard for it, then you should just move on if that's what your husband wants.


----------



## aug

ladylegs said:


> So the message I'm getting is that I should just let me marriage slip away. *Well I was raised that if you love someone, you should fight for them.* What kind of woman would I be if I just gave him everything he wanted in a divorce without any sort of struggle? That would make it seem like I wanted to divorce and that he's been living a lie.
> 
> I owe him more than that. His life has not been a lie. Now I don't want to downplay what I did because yes, it's the biggest betrayal possible. I feel like **** right now and I regret so many things. I love him to much to let him go like this. I feel like I should be fighting for my marriage for my sake and my children's.


If you love someone, you should not cheat on them -- you should had been raised on this too.

He had been living a lie, one that you created.

If you love him "to much" and easily cheat on him, I hate to see what you would do if you didnt love him.

It's comments like these that you make that show lack of true permanent remorse.


----------



## ladylegs

I want to be clear that I did not choose to sleep with his friend. As I mentioned before, I turned down numerous advance before from him. Looking back, I should have told my husband but didn't since I didn't want to destroy their relationship. It's funny now because Matt told him everything and now my relationship is destroyed. Back to what I was saying, I was just vulnerable at the time. He was persistent and I was interested. I did not pursue him and I never had a goal of sleeping with him. It was something that happened because the conditions were right. 

Now I don't know if my husband wants to hear that but that's the truth. I do hold most of the fault for doing this but I can't help but thinking that my husband should be somewhat responsible.

For one, we have grown apart over the years and although he is a good man, things were not the same sexually and emotionally between us. Both of us should be held accountable to this since I admit that we didn't do anything to try and grow closer. From reading other stories on here, I'm sure we're not the only couple guilty of this. Also, he left me in such a prolonged vulnerable state and then has his charmer of a friend start coming around. My husband didn't get the least bit defensive when Matt was around. Instead of treating me like his trophy wife, he ignored me so he could hang out with his buddy.

Sorry but that came out kind of harsh. I'm just writing how I feel. Deep down, I know I had the chance to say no and I chose not to. That's why I'm here. I made an incredibly stupid decision. I just don't feel like I should carry this burden alone. If he truly cared about the marriage, he should be fighting if only a little to try to make this work.


----------



## AngryandUsed

ladylegs said:


> I want to be clear that I did not choose to sleep with his friend. As I mentioned before, I turned down numerous advance before from him. Looking back, I should have told my husband but didn't since I didn't want to destroy their relationship. It's funny now because Matt told him everything and now my relationship is destroyed. Back to what I was saying, I was just vulnerable at the time. He was persistent and I was interested. I did not pursue him and I never had a goal of sleeping with him. It was something that happened because the conditions were right.
> 
> Now I don't know if my husband wants to hear that but that's the truth. I do hold most of the fault for doing this but I can't help but thinking that my husband should be somewhat responsible.
> 
> For one, we have grown apart over the years and although he is a good man, things were not the same sexually and emotionally between us. Both of us should be held accountable to this since I admit that we didn't do anything to try and grow closer. From reading other stories on here, I'm sure we're not the only couple guilty of this. Also, he left me in such a prolonged vulnerable state and then has his charmer of a friend start coming around. My husband didn't get the least bit defensive when Matt was around. Instead of treating me like his trophy wife, he ignored me so he could hang out with his buddy.
> 
> Sorry but that came out kind of harsh. I'm just writing how I feel. Deep down, I know I had the chance to say no and I chose not to. That's why I'm here. I made an incredibly stupid decision. I just don't feel like I should carry this burden alone. If he truly cared about the marriage, he should be fighting if only a little to try to make this work.


I dont know if he will hear your suggestion. I suggest you to suggest : Invite him to TAM/CWI.

OP, still your tone and tenor does not sound REMORSEFUL. You sound blaming your H for your affair. And this is not a good sign for, if at all any scope, your H's reconciling with you.

First allow him to come to terms. He is in a shock of betrayal. Wait.


----------



## ladylegs

If getting him to come here would work then I'm all for it. I'm just concerned that too many people may try to sway his decision in the wrong direction.


----------



## aug

ladylegs said:


> I want to be clear that I did not choose to sleep with his friend. As I mentioned before, I turned down numerous advance before from him. Looking back, I should have told my husband but didn't since I didn't want to destroy their relationship. It's funny now because Matt told him everything and now my relationship is destroyed. Back to what I was saying, I was just vulnerable at the time. He was persistent and I was interested. I did not pursue him and I never had a goal of sleeping with him. It was something that happened because the conditions were right.
> 
> Now I don't know if my husband wants to hear that but that's the truth. I do hold most of the fault for doing this but I can't help but thinking that my husband should be somewhat responsible.
> 
> For one, we have grown apart over the years and although he is a good man, things were not the same sexually and emotionally between us. Both of us should be held accountable to this since I admit that we didn't do anything to try and grow closer. From reading other stories on here, I'm sure we're not the only couple guilty of this. Also, he left me in such a prolonged vulnerable state and then has his charmer of a friend start coming around. My husband didn't get the least bit defensive when Matt was around. Instead of treating me like his trophy wife, he ignored me so he could hang out with his buddy.
> 
> Sorry but that came out kind of harsh. I'm just writing how I feel. Deep down, I know I had the chance to say no and I chose not to. That's why I'm here. I made an incredibly stupid decision. I just don't feel like I should carry this burden alone. If he truly cared about the marriage, he should be fighting if only a little to try to make this work.



You are an adult, right? I assume you're not mentally incompetent, right? 

When you cheated, you make that decision alone. I doubt your husband gave you permission to cheat, given his reaction to finding out. 

Take ownership of your decisions to continuously cheat. 

That's one of the first steps in moving forward.


----------



## aug

ladylegs said:


> If getting him to come here would work then I'm all for it. I'm just concerned that too many people may try to sway his decision in the wrong direction.


There's ground for your concern.


----------



## Headspin

ladylegs said:


> I want to be clear that I did not choose to sleep with his friend.


No of course not, you didn't choose but actually when it came to it - you did 



ladylegs said:


> I turned down numerous advance before from him. Looking back, I should have told my husband but didn't since I didn't want to destroy their relationship.


But you did'nt you chose not to



ladylegs said:


> It's funny now because Matt told him everything and now my relationship is destroyed.


Yes you chose NOT to tell your husband somebody else di



ladylegs said:


> Back to what I was saying, I was just vulnerable at the time.


Well that explains it all then



ladylegs said:


> He was persistent and I was interested.


You just said you turned down numerous advances you chose NOT to sleep with his friend



ladylegs said:


> I did not pursue him and I never had a goal of sleeping with him.


You just said you were interested and actually you chose you DID sleep with him



ladylegs said:


> It was something that happened because the conditions were right.


It "just happened"



ladylegs said:


> Now I don't know if my husband wants to hear that but that's the truth. I do hold most of the fault for doing this but I can't help but thinking that my husband should be somewhat responsible.


Yes your husband is responsible 
___________

What shines through here is that you are actually gaslighting us !! Yes YOU did all this YOU CHOSE these scenarios made these decisions and like all cheaters end up blaming everybody else but your self

You need to reexamine your motives your mentallity - everything 

Christ alive - some people


----------



## bugmenot

ladylegs said:


> I want to be clear that I did not choose to sleep with his friend. As I mentioned before, I turned down numerous advance before from him. Looking back, I should have told my husband but didn't since I didn't want to destroy their relationship. It's funny now because Matt told him everything and now my relationship is destroyed. Back to what I was saying, I was just vulnerable at the time. He was persistent and I was interested. I did not pursue him and I never had a goal of sleeping with him. It was something that happened because the conditions were right.
> 
> Now I don't know if my husband wants to hear that but that's the truth. I do hold most of the fault for doing this but I can't help but thinking that my husband should be somewhat responsible.
> 
> For one, we have grown apart over the years and although he is a good man, things were not the same sexually and emotionally between us. Both of us should be held accountable to this since I admit that we didn't do anything to try and grow closer. From reading other stories on here, I'm sure we're not the only couple guilty of this. Also, he left me in such a prolonged vulnerable state and then has his charmer of a friend start coming around. My husband didn't get the least bit defensive when Matt was around. Instead of treating me like his trophy wife, he ignored me so he could hang out with his buddy.
> 
> Sorry but that came out kind of harsh. I'm just writing how I feel. Deep down, I know I had the chance to say no and I chose not to. That's why I'm here. I made an incredibly stupid decision. I just don't feel like I should carry this burden alone. If he truly cared about the marriage, he should be fighting if only a little to try to make this work.


Lady with all due respect the affair was 100% your fault, do not blameshift. You made a CHOICE to cheat on him - the only thing your husband is guilty of in this scenario is bad judgement - trusting his friend and his wife not to sleep together. He was TOO trusting. Your situation is made much worse by sleeping with his good friend. Your actions have consequences. 

What WS never fully understand (even remorseful ones) is how you devastate I mean completely devastate another human being. You extinguish something in them that is NEVER coming back. Even if they move on to another relationship or reconcile they carry that burden around for the rest of their lives. I've read some WS saying how they carry the guilt around - good - because the BS carries around a MUCH heavier burden. Even if the marriage was in a bad state (which here it does not seem to be the case) there is NEVER an excuse to absolutely devastate another human being like that.

Lady this is what you are failing to grasp how you have totally destroyed your husband and it will take YEARS if ever to piece something back together.


----------



## mablenc

It's normal that he cancelled he's hurting, do not show up at his work, you need to understand its painful for him to see you. Last thing he wants is to get emotional at work. That's not the place for this, he needs to maintain his dignity. I think it's good he didn't want it see you right now. You need to get your thoughts straight, if you tell him be left you vulnerable with his charming friend you are blaming him, and it's a cheap excuse.

It's no longer what you want it's up to him, it means you have to try an fight but its his choice. Also, clearly state that no matter what he decides you will work together with him when it comes to the children. There should be no manipulation or use of bait, the children are not a negotiation tool. 

I don't think anyone provided this link: this is a great for you and him
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

When reading try to see it from his perspective too, you need to put his happiness first. You need to work on yourself it would be beneficial for you to get IC. You need to fix "you" before you can fix your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mablenc

When communicating with him don't over flood him, think long and hard what you are stating any blame shifting will hurt him even more. Your actions right now are all you have left, use them wisely. 

Invite him to come to this site. I worry that you state he may be persuaded into leaving you. You are being selfish, this site can help him deal with the damage, it can help him cope. He is the only one who can decide what to do. He's not a child.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bugmenot

Perhaps IC should precede any attempts at R, since you need to know why you did this. There are may depressed spouses who do not cheat - you need to work on making yourself a better person first before you can be a better wife in my opinion.

The old marriage is dead and gone - you killed that - now you have to see if you can start a new one with your H.


----------



## cledus_snow

> I can't help but thinking that my husband should be somewhat responsible.


really, OP..... really?!

_he _drove you to f0ck his BF?




> Also, he left me in such a prolonged vulnerable state and then has his charmer of a friend start coming around. My husband didn't get the least bit defensive when Matt was around. Instead of treating me like his trophy wife, he ignored me so he could hang out with his buddy.


blah blah blah blah.


----------



## nogutsnoglory

ladylegs said:


> Even if I wanted to dress sexy and try to seduce him on the job, I doubt I could pull it off. I really just want to sit down and talk to him. I want to tell him how I feel and how I'm sorry I hurt him. I've told him these things over the phone and through the texts but he isn't getting the message. I thought that if we talked in person, he would truly understand how much he means to me and how much we need him.


You are not going to "convince him", you lost that power.
If I was the him the sight of you would make me sick to my stomach and I bet he feels the same way right now. He is seeing mind movies of you with Matt all of the time and until that slows down so he can stop feeling uncontrollable anger and pain, he will not want to be around you. Anything you try to force on him will only make him retreat further. See that most on here think he will and should leave you. It is your tone and selfishness that is coming through in your words typed that lend to us feeling that way. You seem extremely selfish.


----------



## ReformedHubby

ladylegs said:


> I want to be clear that I did not choose to sleep with his friend. As I mentioned before, I turned down numerous advance before from him. Looking back, I should have told my husband but didn't since I didn't want to destroy their relationship. It's funny now because Matt told him everything and now my relationship is destroyed. Back to what I was saying, I was just vulnerable at the time. He was persistent and I was interested. I did not pursue him and I never had a goal of sleeping with him. It was something that happened because the conditions were right.
> 
> Now I don't know if my husband wants to hear that but that's the truth. I do hold most of the fault for doing this but I can't help but thinking that my husband should be somewhat responsible.
> 
> For one, we have grown apart over the years and although he is a good man, things were not the same sexually and emotionally between us. Both of us should be held accountable to this since I admit that we didn't do anything to try and grow closer. From reading other stories on here, I'm sure we're not the only couple guilty of this. Also, he left me in such a prolonged vulnerable state and then has his charmer of a friend start coming around. My husband didn't get the least bit defensive when Matt was around. Instead of treating me like his trophy wife, he ignored me so he could hang out with his buddy.
> 
> Sorry but that came out kind of harsh. I'm just writing how I feel. Deep down, I know I had the chance to say no and I chose not to. That's why I'm here. I made an incredibly stupid decision. I just don't feel like I should carry this burden alone. If he truly cared about the marriage, he should be fighting if only a little to try to make this work.


LadyLegs, I am a former wayward spouse and you are looking at this all wrong. This isn't about you getting over your guilt. If you are truly remorseful your emotional and physical needs should take a backseat until your husband gets over this. You are looking at this from a "me,me,me" point of view, and if you try to explain things to your husband this way it will only make things worse.

You need to realize that you have zero say so or control anymore. The ball is completely in your husbands court and there is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will have much credibility right now. Its up to him to decide if he wants to stay with you. You can't "fight for him", that won't change his feelings.

Also, most people on here lump all cheaters together but there are different levels of cheating in my opinion. The odds of him forgiving you are pretty slim. If it were a one time thing maybe, but it was ongoing with a good friend of his right under his nose. For the majority of men this would be unforgivable.


----------



## LiJo

ladylegs i wished i could understand why you did this to your family & husband! maybe i could understand then my husband also! Thank godness he told me before i found it out, and thanks he made not our home dirty and it was not these long time .... I really wished i could understand how a person can do this to her/his partner, after all the years! That what you and my husband did is so unrespectful, these have nothing to do with love for me.... but with respect! and you and my husband broke this! 

You and my husband broke everything for what we was working the last couple YEARS and for what???? For a "good feeling"? for "sex"? 

why you have not talked to your husband BEFORE you ran to another man?
I don't want to blame you, i really wished i could understand .....

maybe you could write your husband a letter, write him why you have done this, write him how much you love him and that was your biggest mistake ever, that you really want him back, to show him that you and him can working on these. Write him everything and then say to him, it is in his hands, you give him now the time he need. Don't call him anymore, don't message him anymore... he knows where he can find you for a talk!

BUT PLEASE NO SELFFISH letter


----------



## nogutsnoglory

ladylegs said:


> I want to be clear that I did not choose to sleep with his friend. As I mentioned before, I turned down numerous advance before from him. Looking back, I should have told my husband but didn't since I didn't want to destroy their relationship. It's funny now because Matt told him everything and now my relationship is destroyed. Back to what I was saying, I was just vulnerable at the time. He was persistent and I was interested. I did not pursue him and I never had a goal of sleeping with him. It was something that happened because the conditions were right.
> 
> Now I don't know if my husband wants to hear that but that's the truth. I do hold most of the fault for doing this but I can't help but thinking that my husband should be somewhat responsible.
> 
> For one, we have grown apart over the years and although he is a good man, things were not the same sexually and emotionally between us. Both of us should be held accountable to this since I admit that we didn't do anything to try and grow closer. From reading other stories on here, I'm sure we're not the only couple guilty of this. Also, he left me in such a prolonged vulnerable state and then has his charmer of a friend start coming around. My husband didn't get the least bit defensive when Matt was around. Instead of treating me like his trophy wife, he ignored me so he could hang out with his buddy.
> 
> Sorry but that came out kind of harsh. I'm just writing how I feel. Deep down, I know I had the chance to say no and I chose not to. That's why I'm here. I made an incredibly stupid decision. I just don't feel like I should carry this burden alone. If he truly cared about the marriage, he should be fighting if only a little to try to make this work.


Sorry but that came out kind of harsh. I'm just writing how I feel. Deep down, I know I had the chance to say no and I chose not to. That's why I'm here. I made an incredibly stupid decision. I just don't feel like I should carry this burden alone. If he truly cared about the marriage, he should be fighting if only a little to try to make this work. 

the marriage issues are not the issue right now. You cheating on him is the issue right now. Your words anger me and I am not a part of this. I am trying to help when I say stop talking and let him come to you. He may not do this and that is his choice. you have taken a marriage that was in need of repair and threw a grenade on it. To think he should sit with you and try to piece it together after what you did is extremely selfish of you. I highly recommend counseling for you and you alone immediately. You need to learn how you sound. You sound awful as a person, and I do not think you are, but you sound that way for sure.


----------



## Lost at sea

Your husband may be responsible for some, maybe even a lot, of the problems in your marriage. But you are 100% responsible for having sex with his "friend".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Vanguard

Rookie4 said:


> I agree , up to a point, but when it is ceaseless and negative, it becomes counter-productive. How can the OP be helped if the hate posts drive her away?:scratchhead:


I guess I just don't see them as hate posts. I am a firm believer in tough love; purging. Purification by fire. 

I think you are correct that some people post out of hate. But I think it's actually inconsequential in the grand scheme of what we are trying to accomplish here. People who are determined to become better, to fix what they destroyed, are going to be unwavering in the face of anger, which is a natural and expected consequence of cheating. 

If I have *cheated* on the person I claim to love, the person I've been with for-- what is it, a decade? And if I'm scared away from the righetous path because some people throw some tomatoes at me... honestly, did I really want to fix my mess? 

David was mocked and chided as he left Jerusalem, exiled by his own son who had stolen the throne from him. His few faithful soldiers readied themselves to slay those who jeered, and David stopped them, telling them that for all he knew, God Himself had sent them to remind him of his own sins.


----------



## mupostori

Even if he had given you a chance to talk, how are you going to explain 8 months of cheating ?

my advice is you need to come up with a good explanation as to why this continued for 8 months .


----------



## Vanguard

ladylegs said:


> I feel like I should be fighting for my marriage for my sake and my children's.


You should have fought for your marriage when it was alive. 

It's tragically hilarious- people usually figure out exactly what they need to do the moment it's too late.

I am sorry for this pain you are experiencing. I truly am. But it is pain that you have inflicted upon yourself, and the magnitude of your error is so great that you have eternally injured your husband and your children in ways you don't understand and in ways that have not yet been made manifest. You have hurt the people who love you most. Please, please remember that, and keep that close to heart in your future relationships.


----------



## Vanguard

Lost at sea said:


> Your husband may be responsible for some, maybe even a lot, of the problems in your marriage. But you are 100% responsible for having sex with his "friend".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm proud of you.


----------



## mablenc

LiJo said:


> ladylegs i wished i could understand why you did this to your family & husband! maybe i could understand then my husband also! Thank godness he told me before i found it out, and thanks he made not our home dirty and it was not these long time .... I really wished i could understand how a person can do this to her/his partner, after all the years! That what you and my husband did is so unrespectful, these have nothing to do with love for me.... but with respect! and you and my husband broke this!
> 
> You and my husband broke everything for what we was working the last couple YEARS and for what???? For a "good feeling"? for "sex"?
> 
> why you have not talked to your husband BEFORE you ran to another man?
> I don't want to blame you, i really wished i could understand .....
> 
> maybe you could write your husband a letter, write him why you have done this, write him how much you love him and that was your biggest mistake ever, that you really want him back, to show him that you and him can working on these. Write him everything and then say to him, it is in his hands, you give him now the time he need. Don't call him anymore, don't message him anymore... he knows where he can find you for a talk!
> 
> BUT PLEASE NO SELFFISH letter


Yes, the way the WS handles the situation makes the world of a difference, some people have more anger on the way they were treated and lied to which makes things even harder to mend.

Blame shifting will only make that one possible, not even confirmed, chance burst into flames.


----------



## azteca1986

Your need to be honest, with yourself as much as anyone else, or it'll be the death of your marriage, OP. 


ladylegs said:


> I want to be clear that I did not choose to sleep with his friend. *As I mentioned before, I turned down numerous advance before from him.* Looking back, I should have told my husband but didn't since I didn't want to destroy their relationship. It's funny now because Matt told him everything and now my relationship is destroyed. Back to what I was saying, I was just vulnerable at the time. *He was persistent and I was interested. *I did not pursue him and I never had a goal of sleeping with him. It was something that happened because the conditions were right.


 If a man who your husband considered a friend was hitting on you, you had the responsibility to terminate that relationship for the good of your marriage. You didn't because from the first time you met him you felt attracted to Matt.

So, You turned Matt down (but you didn't shut him down) and encouraged him to try harder whilst you gave yourself permission to cheat. This is the 'truth' that your husband needs to hear.



> That's why I'm here. I made *an incredibly stupid decision.*


Let's not beat around the bush - you had an eight month affair - this wasn't 'a decision'. Months of lying and betrayal of your husband, your marriage and your family, which only ended because your husband found out and the OM came clean. But if you do want to look at one bad decision then look at the point when you were confronted. You must have known from your husband's line of questioning just what he was talking about. And at the last - you lied again.

Please, look at what you have done. Look where you're deceit and a whole series of bad choices has got you. Treat your husband and yourself with respect.

Be honest from now on in as it's the only, if slim, chance you've got.


----------



## Wazza

ladylegs said:


> I want to be clear that I did not choose to sleep with his friend. As I mentioned before, I turned down numerous advance before from him. Looking back, I should have told my husband but didn't since I didn't want to destroy their relationship. It's funny now because Matt told him everything and now my relationship is destroyed. Back to what I was saying, I was just vulnerable at the time. He was persistent and I was interested. I did not pursue him and I never had a goal of sleeping with him. It was something that happened because the conditions were right.
> 
> Now I don't know if my husband wants to hear that but that's the truth. I do hold most of the fault for doing this but I can't help but thinking that my husband should be somewhat responsible.
> 
> For one, we have grown apart over the years and although he is a good man, things were not the same sexually and emotionally between us. Both of us should be held accountable to this since I admit that we didn't do anything to try and grow closer. From reading other stories on here, I'm sure we're not the only couple guilty of this. Also, he left me in such a prolonged vulnerable state and then has his charmer of a friend start coming around. My husband didn't get the least bit defensive when Matt was around. Instead of treating me like his trophy wife, he ignored me so he could hang out with his buddy.
> 
> Sorry but that came out kind of harsh. I'm just writing how I feel. Deep down, I know I had the chance to say no and I chose not to. That's why I'm here. I made an incredibly stupid decision. I just don't feel like I should carry this burden alone. If he truly cared about the marriage, he should be fighting if only a little to try to make this work.


This just doesn't hang together.

Unless Matt raped you you chose to sleep with him.

No one held a gun at your head and asked you to lie to your husband.

So, if your husband came back to you, and continued to treat you as before, and then another man shows interest, would you be justified in having another affair? 

If you think you would, then why should your husband trust you?

And it you think you wouldn't, then isn't that an admission you are wrong to justify this one.

Earlier you said you were hurting as much or more than your husband. Maybe...I don't know how to measure it. Let's agree that you are both hurting a lot. Which of you caused the situation that is hurting you so much?

I need to warn you, it is early days. Over the coming weeks and months his pain and rage will get worse before they get better. You need to be prepared for this.

There is no quick fix for what you have done. Your husband may never give you another chance...for some what you have done is an absolute deal breaker. And if he does it is a long and uncertain journey. Years.

You seem to be looking for a magic button that will make it all right again. I am not aware that such a button exists.

Rookie4 has been very active on your thread. He and I are both reconciled, through different paths (he believes I let my wife off too easy). You should read his threads. It will give you some ideas for what it might take if you seriously want your husband back.


----------



## crossbar

ladylegs said:


> What can I tell my husband to convince him to give our marriage another chance. I apologized for cheating and lying but he acts like he doesn't care. *How could it be that he can just turn on a dime and walk out on us after 11 years of marriage.* I've humbled myself and I would do absolutely anything to have him back. I realize now that I had a good thing at home and I should have never cheated. He has agreed to meet me on tuesday morning for lunch and we can talk then. What should I say to him? I know that if I can get him to understand that I'm truly sorry, I should have a chance to win him back.


He didn't walk out on the marriage, you did. The moment you had sex with another man.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

No remorse at all. Wow.


----------



## mablenc

crossbar said:


> He didn't walk out on the marriage, you did. The moment you had sex with another man.


And it's not just on a dime.


----------



## carmen ohio

ladylegs,

This post demonstrates the extent to which you are still making excuses for what you did and blame-shifting.



ladylegs said:


> *I want to be clear that I did not choose to sleep with his friend. [Yes, you did.]* As I mentioned before, I turned down numerous advance before from him. *Looking back, I should have told my husband but didn't since I didn't want to destroy their relationship. [An unbelievable excuse. You didn't tell your BH because you enjoyed the OM's attention and didn't want it to stop.]* It's funny now because Matt told him everything and now my relationship is destroyed. Back to what I was saying, I was just vulnerable at the time. He was persistent and I was interested. I did not pursue him and I never had a goal of sleeping with him. *It was something that happened because the conditions were right. [The classic cheater's excuse -- it just happened (i.e., I slipped and fell on his d*ck).]*
> 
> Now I don't know if my husband wants to hear that but that's the truth. I do hold most of the fault for doing this but *I can't help but thinking that my husband should be somewhat responsible. [Your BH may share some blame for the state of your marriage (although in your initial post you describe him as "an amazing man") but you need to accept that your adultery was 100% your doing.]*
> 
> *For one, we have grown apart over the years and although he is a good man, things were not the same sexually and emotionally between us. [This happens in every marriage. **With this logic, every spouse could justify cheating. Moreover, it works both ways -- you grew apart from him as much as he grew apart from you. Does that mean your BH would have been justified in cheating on you?] *Both of us should be held accountable to this since I admit that we didn't do anything to try and grow closer. From reading other stories on here, I'm sure we're not the only couple guilty of this. *Also, he left me in such a prolonged vulnerable state and then has his charmer of a friend start coming around. My husband didn't get the least bit defensive when Matt was around. [This is ridiculous. In effect, what you are saying is that your BH is to blame because he trusted you.]* Instead of treating me like his trophy wife, he ignored me so he could hang out with his buddy.
> 
> Sorry but that came out kind of harsh. I'm just writing how I feel. Deep down, I know I had the chance to say no and I chose not to. That's why I'm here. I made an incredibly stupid decision. *I just don't feel like I should carry this burden alone. [What, you think your BH isn't carrying a burden? How about the burden of learning that his WW cheated on and deceived him for 8 months? You make it sound like you are the injured party here and that your BH is to blame for how bad you (claim to) feel.]* *If he truly cared about the marriage, he should be fighting if only a little to try to make this work. [You miss the point entirely. By doing what you did, you gave your BH all the reason he needs not to care about you or your marriage.]*


Your posts reek of excuses and self-pity. As long as this is your attitude, you will find very little sympathy here and have little chance of reconciling with your BH.

What you need to do is:

- accept and admit that you are entirely to blame for your affair,

- give your BH enough respect to let him decide what he wants to do now, including waiting for him to approach you to discuss this rather than forcing yourself on him and trying to dictate his decision,

- when he does decide to speak to you, answer all of his questions honestly and completely, offering no excuses or justifications,

- tell him that, while you hope he gives you a chance to prove that you can be a good wife, you will accept any decision he makes, including giving him fair divorce if that is what he wants,

- in the meantime, spend time honestly analyzing why you did what you did so that, when he asks you (and he will), you have something better to say than "I don't know" or "it just happened" (the best answer would be, "because I put my own selfish desires ahead of my love and respect for you and concern about my family") and

- from now on, be the best mother you can be (understanding that, by cheating on your BH, you also betrayed your children).

If you do all of these things, there is a chance that your marriage can be saved. If you don't, you don't deserve a chance to reconcile and your BH would be foolish to try.

Think about it.


----------



## KevinScotland

The more I read your answers ladylegs the more you sound like my stbxw. Actually it's astonishing.

And to tell ya my perspective. It was her behaviour after she was caught that probably did the most damage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion

Headspin said:


> No of course not, you didn't choose but actually when it came to it - you did
> 
> 
> But you did'nt you chose not to
> 
> 
> Yes you chose NOT to tell your husband somebody else di
> 
> 
> Well that explains it all then
> 
> 
> You just said you turned down numerous advances you chose NOT to sleep with his friend
> 
> 
> You just said you were interested and actually you chose you DID sleep with him
> 
> 
> It "just happened"
> 
> 
> 
> Yes your husband is responsible
> ___________
> 
> What shines through here is that you are actually gaslighting us !! Yes YOU did all this YOU CHOSE these scenarios made these decisions and like all cheaters end up blaming everybody else but your self
> 
> You need to reexamine your motives your mentallity - everything
> 
> Christ alive - some people


Wow. I just re-read this and it's a miracle that someone can actually type those words. I can believe that they can say it as a liar would, but to write it as if that's supposed to be justifiable in the least through the way that was described.... Just wow.


----------



## JCD

She is frustrated. She knows the quality of her marriage and exactly how good or bad it was. I'm sure her hubby wasn't perfect. In fact, from the sounds of it, far from it.

So she feels her poor actions don't automatically give her husband sainthood...but she has to act that way. And of course, losing her husband is devastating...far worse than she anticipated it would feel.

So through her lens, yeah, her hubby was part of the problems in the marriage. Unfortunately, she pumped those problems up to an eleven with her actions.


----------



## carmen ohio

ladylegs, if you want to know what a truly remorseful WW sounds like, read this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...confessed-h-now-talking-me-again-what-do.html


----------



## here2learn

ladylegs said:


> I'm crying because the marriage we spent years building came down in a matter of minutes. I'm trying to rebuild but he won't even give me a chance.


LL -- Seems to me the marriage came crashing down over the span of eight months, not a few minutes. It wasn't just one drunken mistake, followed by a confession. It was repeated oer and over, with energy spent trying to find alone time and keep this secret from your husband. Understand that this was a conscious decision.

Your husband just found out about this double betrayal. He needs time to process the situation, and formulate thoughts about how he wants to proceed. If I were him, before I even contemplate reconciliation, I'd need to know exactly what thoughts were going on in your head to justify cheating, why you felt cheating would not be a dealbreaker, and what you can do to convince me that you are a changed woman. 

My take from reading your posts is that while you are sorry you are in this position, you are not accepting full responsibility for your actions. I'm reading that you didn't choose to have an affair -- what? How were you coerced? And then how were you made to keep it an ongoing secret? And then deny when confronted? These declarations are not consistent with a woman who is remorseful for her actions. How can your husband be assured that you won't be in another situation where you don't "choose" to be unfaithful, but still carry on an affair? 

A better approach would be to take full responsibility for your actions, express disappointment in your poor decision-making, make a plan to work on yourself with counseling, and show him that you'll do anything to slowly regain your husband's trust. But please understand that he'd be a chump to take you back just days after he discovered this egregious betrayal, without understanding the causes for the affair and knowing that precautions are taken to prevent further indiscretions.


----------



## nogutsnoglory

JCD said:


> She is frustrated. She knows the quality of her marriage and exactly how good or bad it was. I'm sure her hubby wasn't perfect. In fact, from the sounds of it, far from it.
> 
> So she feels her poor actions don't automatically give her husband sainthood...but she has to act that way. And of course, losing her husband is devastating...far worse than she anticipated it would feel.
> 
> So through her lens, yeah, her hubby was part of the problems in the marriage. Unfortunately, she pumped those problems up to an eleven with her actions.


Cheating is a you problem, period. He takes zero responsibility for it. She had many choices that did not include doing what she did. She chose the worst decision possible. She is 100% responsible for the problem. She is not 100% responsible for fixing the marriage if he chooses to try. He I am sure had his faults along the way. Nothing he did compares in any way shape or form to what she did. She does not see it like this and because of that has zero chance of getting him to even consider going back to her.


----------



## mupostori

I have a question for the people of TAM

What would be the effect on her husband if she sent him a copy of her first post in it's entirety .


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Bring your husband here.


----------



## KevinScotland

mupostori said:


> I have a question for the people of TAM
> 
> What would be the effect on her husband if she sent him a copy of her first post in it's entirety .


Insulted at his dirty washing being aired in public when obvious right now he needs to think it through for himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

There is no way we can determine what his reaction would be. We don't even know him.


----------



## The Middleman

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Bring your husband here.


Oh god I hope that doesn't happen. There will be a resounding chorus flocking here trying to convince him to forgive her because "she's really remorseful". 

Leave him alone, he's already doing the right thing. He doesn't need our help.


----------



## bryanp

I found the post amazing because:

1. You deliberately had an 8 month sexual affair with your husband's best friend which is a horrible double betrayal.
2. You deliberately put your husband's health at risk for STD's.
3. You actually had sex with husband's best friend in your HOME one time. You actually said you did not wish to disrespect your husband further by having sex with his best friend anymore in your home so you made sure that for the next 8 months you had sex with your husband's best friend outside your home. Well I guess you certainly showed your husband great respect by doing that. What is wrong with this picture?
4. It seems reasonable to believe that there must have been some times where you were with your husband after you had been with your lover.

After all of this you state that your husband deserves to share some of the blame for this and he seems unreasonable not willing to give you another chance. You cannot be serious. I am sure if the roles were reversed you would be acting just like your husband. You have absolutely humiliated and disrespected him on multiple levels. You clearly just don't get it.


----------



## KevinScotland

bryanp said:


> I found the post amazing because:
> 
> 1. You deliberately had an 8 month sexual affair with your husband's best friend which is a horrible double betrayal.
> 2. You deliberately put your husband's health at risk for STD's.
> 3. You actually had sex with husband's best friend in your HOME one time. You actually said you did not wish to disrespect your husband further by having sex with his best friend anymore in your home so you made sure that for the next 8 months you had sex with your husband's best friend outside your home. Well I guess you certainly showed your husband great respect by doing that. What is wrong with this picture?
> 4. It seems reasonable to believe that there must have been some times where you were with your husband after you had been with your lover.
> 
> After all of this you state that your husband deserves to share some of the blame for this and he seems unreasonable not willing to give you another chance. You cannot be serious. I am sure if the roles were reversed you would be acting just like your husband. You have absolutely humiliated and disrespected him on multiple levels. You clearly just don't get it.


Yup she doesn't get it at all.

And if your husband did give you a chance for reconciliation it's gonna fail if this is the kinda attitude you have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Laila8

ladylegs said:


> I want to be clear that I did not choose to sleep with his friend. As I mentioned before, I turned down numerous advance before from him. Looking back, I should have told my husband but didn't since I didn't want to destroy their relationship. It's funny now because Matt told him everything and now my relationship is destroyed. Back to what I was saying, I was just vulnerable at the time. He was persistent and I was interested. I did not pursue him and I never had a goal of sleeping with him. It was something that happened because the conditions were right.
> 
> Now I don't know if my husband wants to hear that but that's the truth. I do hold most of the fault for doing this but I can't help but thinking that my husband should be somewhat responsible.
> 
> For one, we have grown apart over the years and although he is a good man, things were not the same sexually and emotionally between us. Both of us should be held accountable to this since I admit that we didn't do anything to try and grow closer. From reading other stories on here, I'm sure we're not the only couple guilty of this. Also, he left me in such a prolonged vulnerable state and then has his charmer of a friend start coming around. My husband didn't get the least bit defensive when Matt was around. Instead of treating me like his trophy wife, he ignored me so he could hang out with his buddy.
> 
> Sorry but that came out kind of harsh. I'm just writing how I feel. Deep down, I know I had the chance to say no and I chose not to. That's why I'm here. I made an incredibly stupid decision. I just don't feel like I should carry this burden alone. If he truly cared about the marriage, he should be fighting if only a little to try to make this work.


You shouldn't carry the burden alone? 

Yes, you should. YOU are the one who cheated. You are the one who banged someone else for 8 months! 

Your husband is NOT responsible for your cheating. I don't care if he was the worst husband in the world. You could have divorced, got counseling, or talked to him about it. Choosing to cheat is 100% on you.

This post of yours shows me you still have a ton of resentment for your husband, and you are in no position to reconcile with him. You do not even understand the agony and the soul-crushing pain he's going through. Your posts are still all about you and how you feel.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

Laila8 said:


> You shouldn't carry the burden alone?
> 
> Yes, you should. YOU are the one who cheated. You are the one who banged someone else for 8 months!
> 
> Your husband is NOT responsible for your cheating. I don't care if he was the worst husband in the world. You could have divorced, got counseling, or talked to him about it. Choosing to cheat is 100% on you.
> 
> This post of yours shows me you still have a ton of resentment for your husband, and you are in no position to reconcile with him. You do not even understand the agony and the soul-crushing pain he's going through. Your posts are still all about you and how you feel.


OP, I think this is spot on. 

You had made the comment that if he loved you then he would work on marriage with you. 

Well, first I would like to point out that he probably isn't feeling a whole lot of love for you right now. He doesn't care how much YOU are hurting because it is nothing compared to how much you hurt him. 

Second, you had a number of choices other than cheating that would have been honorable choices, including working on your marriage. You had that choice and you've had it all along. Now, you say that you didn't choose to have an affair. I believe that you probably didn't wake up one day and decide that your best course of action would be to cheat on your husband BUT you still chose to do it when the opportunity was there. To put it bluntly, you had that choice right up to the point that you opened your legs. You could have said no, it's not right, I couldn't do that to my husband, I want to work on my marriage ... but you didn't. You could even have made an honorable choice to confess to your husband after that first time with the goal of working on your marriage. You were drunk, vulnerable, etc. ... a horrible mistake that you regretted. You didn't do that ... instead you chose to continue the affair, having sex with his friend many, many times over the course of 8 months. At no point did you choose to end the affair and work on your marriage ... you only stopped when you got caught. You only wanted to work on your marriage after the choice to end the affair was made for you. 

I'm not saying this to berate you ... I only want to help you open your eyes because until you do, I don't believe reconciliation is possible. Until you take complete ownership of the choices that you made ... and didn't make, like working on your marriage ... I don't believe there is a chance of long term success at reconciliation. 

If you loved him, why did you choose to cheat on your husband over and over for 8 months instead of working on your marriage? Keep in mind, you didn't cheat once ... you cheated every single time you chose to have sex with his friend.

If you love him, you would choose to take complete responsibility for the choices you have made so that you can then have a chance to work on your marriage.


----------



## Rookie4

ladylegs said:


> Today was a really horrible day for me. My husband sent me a text this morning and said that he doesn't want to see me on tomorrow. He says that he's just not ready to meet and he is still hurting over what I did. I can understand how he feels and I do know I hurt him. He just doesn't seem to understand that that is tearing me up just as much as him if not more! I feel so guilty and I feel like my life has been torn apart. I have begged and pleaded with him all day and he has just been ignoring my calls and responding on his own time throughout the day.
> 
> I really don't know what I should do at this point. I have a friend that suggests that I go to his job on tomorrow to talk to him. She even says that she would go with me. I really like the idea of seeing him but I don't want him to be pissed at me even more. She says that this would show him how far I'm willing to go to say I'm sorry.


OP, you need to start PROVING you're sorry, besides saying it. BTW you need to stop blaming him for this < IN ANY WAY, You chose to cheat, nobody forced you.


----------



## Rookie4

ladylegs said:


> Even if I wanted to dress sexy and try to seduce him on the job, I doubt I could pull it off. I really just want to sit down and talk to him. I want to tell him how I feel and how I'm sorry I hurt him. I've told him these things over the phone and through the texts but he isn't getting the message. I thought that if we talked in person, he would truly understand how much he means to me and how much we need him.


 Oh , I assure you that he got the message, but unfortunately the message you sent by cheating counts more, right now. Do not go to his work-site, leave him alone to process.


----------



## Rookie4

ladylegs said:


> It's not that I didn't see him as a good husband. It's that I never experienced depression before. He has never experienced either and has always had it easy with keeping his emotions under control. He said he understood what I was going through but I never felt that he understood. He thought that I could just turn it on at the flip of switch and want to go out, have fun, and enjoy life. He didn't understand that I felt lonely and stressed out over even the smallest things. That's what made me resent him.
> 
> The reason why I say Matt made me feel good is because of all the attention he showed up. I was strong at first but I eventually gave in. My husband was too caught up in the routine and we were not reminding each other how much we loved one another. That's still no excuse. I now know that I should have focused my attention on my husband instead of trying to seek affection elsewhere.
> 
> I'm crying for many reasons. First, I feel guilty about what I did. I know this hurt him even though that was not my original intention. I'm crying because the marriage we spent years building came down in a matter of minutes. I'm trying to rebuild but he won't even give me a chance.


Sorry OP , but your past marriage doesn't mitigate against your betrayal, nor does your sadness earn you a chance to reconcile. That is what you must understand . By your cheating, you forfeited any trust he ever had in you and if you are going to R you need to STOP thinking about yourself and ONLY think of his needs.


----------



## Rookie4

ladylegs said:


> So the message I'm getting is that I should just let me marriage slip away. Well I was raised that if you love someone, you should fight for them. What kind of woman would I be if I just gave him everything he wanted in a divorce without any sort of struggle? That would make it seem like I wanted to divorce and that he's been living a lie.
> 
> I owe him more than that. His life has not been a lie. Now I don't want to downplay what I did because yes, it's the biggest betrayal possible. I feel like **** right now and I regret so many things. I love him to much to let him go like this. I feel like I should be fighting for my marriage for my sake and my children's.


You don't seem to understand. You fight for your marriage by putting his needs first. Do what HE says to do, when HE says to do it. BE THERE for him and answer every question he has fully and honestly and do so at HIS pace. Until he is ready to talk to you, possess yourself with patience and humility.


----------



## Rookie4

ladylegs said:


> I want to be clear that I did not choose to sleep with his friend. As I mentioned before, I turned down numerous advance before from him. Looking back, I should have told my husband but didn't since I didn't want to destroy their relationship. It's funny now because Matt told him everything and now my relationship is destroyed. Back to what I was saying, I was just vulnerable at the time. He was persistent and I was interested. I did not pursue him and I never had a goal of sleeping with him. It was something that happened because the conditions were right.
> 
> Now I don't know if my husband wants to hear that but that's the truth. I do hold most of the fault for doing this but I can't help but thinking that my husband should be somewhat responsible. O
> 
> For one, we have grown apart over the years and although he is a good man, things were not the same sexually and emotionally between us. Both of us should be held accountable to this since I admit that we didn't do anything to try and grow closer. From reading other stories on here, I'm sure we're not the only couple guilty of this. Also, he left me in such a prolonged vulnerable state and then has his charmer of a friend start coming around. My husband didn't get the least bit defensive when Matt was around. Instead of treating me like his trophy wife, he ignored me so he could hang out with his buddy.
> 
> Sorry but that came out kind of harsh. I'm just writing how I feel. Deep down, I know I had the chance to say no and I chose not to. That's why I'm here. I made an incredibly stupid decision. I just don't feel like I should carry this burden alone. If he truly cared about the marriage, he should be fighting if only a little to try to make this work.


STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY!! This kind of thinking will almost certainly destroy what remains of your marriage. NEVER, EVER blame your husband for YOUR affair, in any way. You BOTH are responsible for the bad marriage, but ONLY YOU are responsible for the AFFAIR. I'm sorry OP , but you are nowhere near remorseful enough for your husband to take a chance on you. Nobody can help you until you put your own feelings last and your husband;s first.


----------



## Julien

ladylegs said:


> How could it be that he can just turn on a dime and walk out on us after 11 years of marriage.


Looks like I'm late to the party but, is this comment for real? I mean, wow!


----------



## life101

I haven't read everything that people have posted here, but the first thing that came to my mind after reading OP: why don't you go to Matt for solace? He is supposedly very good at making women feel better.


----------



## ladylegs

I was tempted to go to his job earlier and my girlfriend even showed up ready to go. We decided against it because I want to give him space and I don't want to cause a scene on his job.

I was also tempted him to direct him to this site but I've also changed my mind on that. For some reason, more than half of the people here feel that I'm not entitled to any sort of reconciliation. If he were to come here, it would do more harm than good. 

Also, reading some of the stuff I wrote earlier makes me ashamed. Although that's how I felt before, things need to be different if I'm hoping to wrong this right. I don't think he can handle the full truth at this point so it seems my focus should be on trying to mend our relationship.


----------



## bugmenot

ladylegs said:


> I was tempted to go to his job earlier and my girlfriend even showed up ready to go. We decided against it because I want to give him space and I don't want to cause a scene on his job.
> 
> I was also tempted him to direct him to this site but I've also changed my mind on that. For some reason, more than half of the people here feel that I'm not entitled to any sort of reconciliation. If he were to come here, it would do more harm than good.
> 
> Also, reading some of the stuff I wrote earlier makes me ashamed. Although that's how I felt before, things need to be different if I'm hoping to wrong this right. I don't think he can handle the full truth at this point so it seems my focus should be on trying to mend our relationship.


How can you even think about reconciling without giving your H the full truth? Reconciliation based on more of your lies sounds like a receipe for further heartache down the road.

You also give the people of TAM way too much credit, if your husband is going to leave you - he's going to leave you despite what people tell him on a message board. 

You still don't seem to get it - you DEVASTATED him by cheating with his good friend. What would you do if you came home and found him fooling around with one of your good friends? It's about his healing now and not you feeling comfortable. Whether you R or D you need a good look in the mirror and strive to be a better person. Try counseling.

The more I read these boards the more I think marriage should be outlawed as hazardous to ones health.


----------



## bryanp

"I don't think he can handle the full truth at this point so it seems my focus should be on trying to mend our relationship."

This is amazing. After all what you put your husband through you still continue to try to play him like a puppet with you pulling the strings. You do not even have the basic decency to be totally honest and truthful with your husband today. What is wrong with this picture? What planet are you from?


----------



## Julien

ladylegs said:


> Well I was raised that if you love someone, you should fight for them.


I seriously doubt that.


----------



## Julien

ladylegs said:


> I want to be clear that I did not choose to sleep with his friend.


First of all, you need to stop lying to yourself: you did chose to sleep with his friend.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

ladylegs said:


> I was tempted to go to his job earlier and my girlfriend even showed up ready to go. We decided against it because I want to give him space and I don't want to cause a scene on his job.
> 
> I was also tempted him to direct him to this site but I've also changed my mind on that. For some reason, more than half of the people here feel that I'm not entitled to any sort of reconciliation. If he were to come here, it would do more harm than good.
> 
> Also, reading some of the stuff I wrote earlier makes me ashamed. Although that's how I felt before, things need to be different if I'm hoping to wrong this right*. I don't think he can handle the full truth at this point* so it seems my focus should be on trying to mend our relationship.


You mean there is more to tell him? What have you not told him?


----------



## crazyace

ladylegs said:


> I want to be clear that I did not choose to sleep with his friend. As I mentioned before, I turned down numerous advance before from him. Looking back, I should have told my husband but didn't since I didn't want to destroy their relationship. It's funny now because Matt told him everything and now my relationship is destroyed. Back to what I was saying, I was just vulnerable at the time. He was persistent and I was interested. I did not pursue him and I never had a goal of sleeping with him. It was something that happened because the conditions were right.
> 
> Now I don't know if my husband wants to hear that but that's the truth. I do hold most of the fault for doing this but I can't help but thinking that my husband should be somewhat responsible.
> 
> For one, we have grown apart over the years and although he is a good man, things were not the same sexually and emotionally between us. Both of us should be held accountable to this since I admit that we didn't do anything to try and grow closer. From reading other stories on here, I'm sure we're not the only couple guilty of this. Also, he left me in such a prolonged vulnerable state and then has his charmer of a friend start coming around. My husband didn't get the least bit defensive when Matt was around. Instead of treating me like his trophy wife, he ignored me so he could hang out with his buddy.
> 
> Sorry but that came out kind of harsh. I'm just writing how I feel. Deep down, I know I had the chance to say no and I chose not to. That's why I'm here. I made an incredibly stupid decision. I just don't feel like I should carry this burden alone. If he truly cared about the marriage, he should be fighting if only a little to try to make this work.


Dear Lady Legs ,
1. You say your sex with MATT(OM) happened because he was persistant and conditions were right ... correct ? Lets assume this was true for that night at you house , but what about the cheating that continued for 8 months ??? always persistance and right conditions ??? Please look back may be you created them.
2. If this is true for all 8 months .. and your cheating is justified because your husband considered you as a trophy wife and you marriage was not the same , then why are you insistant that your husband should return and reconcile. Why are you not allowing him to divorce you ? Why do you not continue with his so very "BEST" friend ??
3. I like your last sentence, if he (your husband) cares for the marriage he should fight for it. I only made a stupid decision. No big deal... So you kept making stupid decisions for 8 months until your husband found out by chance, else he would have never known about these randevous ... and now he should fight for it .. why ?? Actually according to you he is not a good husband as he thinks you as a trophy .. so why expect him to fight ?
Lastly a question, when his friend was making pass at you and you knew he is a player, I am sure you felt nice, else you would have complained to you husband or would have put a stern check on this guy's advances. Of course you were liking it, so your turning down his advances were only superficial. I think the OM understood it well and played the game along with you ... is this right ?? Please do not try to fool yourself .. look deeper for the truth ... only that will help you choose the right path.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *By Ladylegs*
> I want to be clear that *I did not choose to sleep with his friend*. As I mentioned before, I turned down numerous advance before from him. Looking back, I should have told my husband but didn't since I didn't want to destroy their relationship. It's funny now because Matt told him everything and now my relationship is destroyed. Back to what I was saying, *I was just vulnerable at the time*. He was persistent and I was interested. I did not pursue him and I never had a goal of sleeping with him. *It was something that happened because the conditions were right. *
> 
> Now I don't know if my husband wants to hear that but that's the truth. I do hold most of the fault for doing this but* I can't help but thinking that my husband should be somewhat responsible.*



Pitiful!!!
*With this attitude she has NO chance of getting her husband back*






> *By Ladylegs*
> I was tempted to go to his job earlier and my girlfriend even showed up ready to go. We decided against it because *I want to give him space* and I don't want to cause a scene on his job.
> 
> I was also tempted him to direct him to this site but I've also changed my mind on that. For some reason, more than half of the people here feel that I'm not entitled to any sort of reconciliation. If he were to come here, it would do more harm than good.
> 
> *Also, reading some of the stuff I wrote earlier makes me ashamed.* Although that's how I felt before, *things need to be different if I'm hoping to wrong this right.* I don't think he can handle the full truth at this point so it seems my focus should be on trying to mend our relationship.


MUCH BETTER Ladylegs!!!!
You are improving your chances to get your husband back. You earlier attitude had no chance.

*I hope that you improve yourself because there is always hope when one looks at themselves first and changes themselves for the better.*

I hope that you and your husband make it like WAZZA and I do think that you have the beginning of a chance now. Even if you do not make it to R keep improving yourself for you and your children. Nobody wins when a cheating spouse is destroyed and children suffer.


BLUNT


----------



## ladylegs

bryanp said:


> "I don't think he can handle the full truth at this point so it seems my focus should be on trying to mend our relationship."
> 
> This is amazing. After all what you put your husband through you still continue to try to play him like a puppet with you pulling the strings. You do not even have the basic decency to be totally honest and truthful with your husband today. What is wrong with this picture? What planet are you from?


I'm not playing him for a puppet. The point I was trying to make is that the truth hurts and I already know he is hurting right now. He still hasn't asked me why I did it even though I'm sure he is wondering. How would he feel if I told him how things really happened and how he could have avoided this? All he needs to know is that I love him and I would do anything to make this marriage work.


----------



## Wazza

ladylegs said:


> I don't think he can handle the full truth at this point so it seems my focus should be on trying to mend our relationship.


LL, if you have ANY hope of reconciliation them let go of this idea at once.

You HAVE to give him the full truth. You have to.

What your husband will do is go over and over things with a fine tooth comb, looking for other lies, omissions or inconsistencies. If you have lied or withheld details he will find it. And each time he finds a lie, it reinforces that you cannot be trusted. It takes him back emotionally to the moment when he first discovered the affair. Emotionally, it becomes like discovering other affairs.

Conversely, if you tell the truth, the entire truth, unrequested, it demonstrates remorse and a desire to be different. Now the short term reactions might hurt, but it is the best chance of long term healing. In my view the only chance.

You got into this mess by lying, and by being focussed on your wants and needs, not his. That is no way to build a marriage.


----------



## ladylegs

Wazza said:


> LL, if you have ANY hope of reconciliation them let go of this idea at once.
> 
> You HAVE to give him the full truth. You have to.
> 
> What your husband will do is go over and over things with a fine tooth comb, looking for other lies, omissions or inconsistencies. If you have lied or withheld details he will find it. And each time he finds a lie, it reinforces that you cannot be trusted. It takes him back emotionally to the moment when he first discovered the affair. Emotionally, it becomes like discovering other affairs.
> 
> Conversely, if you tell the truth, the entire truth, unrequested, it demonstrates remorse and a desire to be different. Now the short term reactions might hurt, but it is the best chance of long term healing. In my view the only chance.
> 
> You got into this mess by lying, and by being focussed on your wants and needs, not his. That is no way to build a marriage.


Now that makes sense. I felt that most people here say I need to tell the whole truth because the truth is something everyone wants. Putting myself in his shoes, I would want to know the truth and all the details. The problem I have is that I don't want to say anything that could hurt him anymore than I already have. The knife is already in and I feel that I would just be pushing it in further. 

I'm actually considering just writing him a letter detailing the entire affair and my thought process. At least if I put everything out there, I would have no more regrets. Maybe he wouldn't have left if I told him in the first place instead of him hearing this from Matt.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *Quote of Ladylegs*
> All he needs to know is that I love him and I would do anything to make this marriage work.



Ladylegs
That is not all he needs to know. He needs to see LOTS OF ACTIONS ACTIONS ACTIONS by you. Those actions have been explained to you several times in this forum. In addition your attitude needs more improving

I hope you are strong enough to take some corrections and then ACT upon what has been said already.

Don’t give up you have made some progress


Blunt


----------



## Wazza

ladylegs said:


> I'm not playing him for a puppet. The point I was trying to make is that the truth hurts and I already know he is hurting right now. He still hasn't asked me why I did it even though I'm sure he is wondering. How would he feel if I told him how things really happened and how he could have avoided this? All he needs to know is that I love him and I would do anything to make this marriage work.


Sigh. As long as you see the affair as his fault, as long as you think the way to build trust in a relationship is to lie, and as long as you can see yourself as someone committed to the marriage when it is you who cheated, I cannot see a future.


----------



## Wazza

ladylegs said:


> Now that makes sense. I felt that most people here say I need to tell the whole truth because the truth is something everyone wants. Putting myself in his shoes, I would want to know the truth and all the details. The problem I have is that I don't want to say anything that could hurt him anymore than I already have. The knife is already in and I feel that I would just be pushing it in further.
> 
> I'm actually considering just writing him a letter detailing the entire affair and my thought process. At least if I put everything out there, I would have no more regrets. Maybe he wouldn't have left if I told him in the first place instead of him hearing this from Matt.



:iagree:
:iagree:
:iagree:
:iagree:


----------



## Wazza

I know this is all hard on you. I know you are hurting. I know some of the things we are saying hurt. But you need to be strong. You need to turn the corner. 

As you do you will get a lot of support from people here.


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## mablenc

Seems like you are starting to process things. Keep on working on reading and understanding the situation to help him. It's going to hard work and even if he decides to divorce you will be able to pick yourself up from this mess. You can't fix what you don't acknowledge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoulStorm

ladylegs said:


> I mentioned that earlier. I take 100% responsibility for the affair. I had a choice and could have said no. I was just saying that I wasn't 100% responsible about the problems in our marriage. That is partially the reason why I had the affair.


You had an affair because you had poor boundaries.
Your husband never gave you permission to have one..you decided that on your own.
Your husband was in the same marriage ..if he had the affair could he say it was your fault? Because by saying what you are..it gives him the same pass to have an affair if he chooses and put partial blame on you.Because you are also responsible for the marriage being in a bad state.


----------



## Drea83

JCD said:


> She is frustrated. She knows the quality of her marriage and exactly how good or bad it was. I'm sure her hubby wasn't perfect. In fact, from the sounds of it, far from it.
> 
> So she feels her poor actions don't automatically give her husband sainthood...but she has to act that way. And of course, losing her husband is devastating...far worse than she anticipated it would feel.
> 
> So through her lens, yeah, her hubby was part of the problems in the marriage. Unfortunately, she pumped those problems up to an eleven with her actions.


I believe you are right!


----------



## ladylegs

SoulStorm said:


> You had an affair because you had poor boundaries.
> Your husband never gave you permission to have one..you decided that on your own.
> Your husband was in the same marriage ..if he had the affair could he say it was your fault? Because by saying what you are..it gives him the same pass to have an affair if he chooses and put partial blame on you.Because you are also responsible for the marriage being in a bad state.


Absolutely. If I wasn't going everything to please my husband and make him feel special, I guess I could understand why he would step outside the marriage. It hurts but it's the truth. It's not that I'm giving him a pass, it's just that I feel that I would have never gave in if I had everything I needed in our marriage. I haven't went into too many details but there are a lot of things I was unhappy with in our marriage. Sex seemed to always be when he felt like it and I was never satisfied. I could literally come out the shower naked and he would act as if I was fully clothed. I could put on some new lingerie and he would act as if he didn't even notice.

Now factor in me being lonely and feeling depressed. Factor in this new man coming around and constantly flirting with me.


----------



## SoulStorm

ladylegs said:


> Absolutely. If I wasn't going everything to please my husband and make him feel special, I guess I could understand why he would step outside the marriage. It hurts but it's the truth. It's not that I'm giving him a pass, it's just that I feel that I would have never gave in if I had everything I needed in our marriage. I haven't went into too many details but there are a lot of things I was unhappy with in our marriage. Sex seemed to always be when he felt like it and I was never satisfied. I could literally come out the shower naked and he would act as if I was fully clothed. I could put on some new lingerie and he would act as if he didn't even notice.
> 
> *Now factor in me being lonely and feeling depressed. Factor in this new man coming around and constantly flirting with me.*


Factor in that you still were married and factor in you made vows to your husband regardless of loneliness.
Factor in that you could have always said no
Factor in that you could have bluntly said that you were about to cheat if he didn't change.
I bet that may have change the factors you mention.


----------



## ladylegs

SoulStorm said:


> Factor in that you still were married and factor in you made vows to your husband regardless of loneliness.
> Factor in that you could have always said no
> Factor in that you could have bluntly said that you were about to cheat if he didn't change.
> I bet would have change the factors you mention.


I doubt dispute any of that. I should have been stronger and really wish I could have focused that energy into repairing my marriage. If I could have did that, I wouldn't even be here.


----------



## LostAndContent

ladylegs said:


> Today was a really horrible day for me. My husband sent me a text this morning and said that he doesn't want to see me on tomorrow. He says that he's just not ready to meet and he is still hurting over what I did. I can understand how he feels and I do know I hurt him.* He just doesn't seem to understand that that is tearing me up just as much as him if not more!* I feel so guilty and I feel like my life has been torn apart. I have begged and pleaded with him all day and he has just been ignoring my calls and responding on his own time throughout the day.
> 
> I really don't know what I should do at this point. I have a friend that suggests that I go to his job on tomorrow to talk to him. She even says that she would go with me. I really like the idea of seeing him but I don't want him to be pissed at me even more. She says that this would show him how far I'm willing to go to say I'm sorry.


The bolded section really brings it home for me that you aren't ready to be the wife he deserves. You seem to only care about your pain. You aren't asking how you can help heal the man. You're asking how to get him home so he can heal your pain. You honestly think that you're feeling more pain than a man who found out his wife and best friend had been humping behind his back for 8 months? Are you insane? 

I really try not to yell at wayward spouses just for being wayward spouses, but jeeze lady, you're essentially saying "Boo hoo, why can't my husband see that I'm the real victim here. What a jerk. Why can't he just put aside his pain and get back to the important thing, which is taking care of me." 

Don't ever, EVER imply to him that your pain is comparable to his in any way. Hell, don't mention your pain to him at all.


----------



## Julien

ladylegs said:


> Absolutely. If I wasn't going everything to please my husband and make him feel special, I guess I could understand why he would step outside the marriage. It hurts but it's the truth. It's not that I'm giving him a pass, it's just that I feel that I would have never gave in if I had everything I needed in our marriage. I haven't went into too many details but there are a lot of things I was unhappy with in our marriage. Sex seemed to always be when he felt like it and I was never satisfied. I could literally come out the shower naked and he would act as if I was fully clothed. I could put on some new lingerie and he would act as if he didn't even notice.
> 
> Now factor in me being lonely and feeling depressed. Factor in this new man coming around and constantly flirting with me.


It seems like you were starting to process things as Blunt and Mablenc noted but you're back to justifying your attitude. You need to stop immediately.

"No more excuses, no more rationalizing. I am the only person responsible for this mess" should become your motto.


----------



## bugmenot

ladylegs said:


> Absolutely. If I wasn't going everything to please my husband and make him feel special, I guess I could understand why he would step outside the marriage. It hurts but it's the truth. It's not that I'm giving him a pass, it's just that I feel that I would have never gave in if I had everything I needed in our marriage. I haven't went into too many details but there are a lot of things I was unhappy with in our marriage. Sex seemed to always be when he felt like it and I was never satisfied. I could literally come out the shower naked and he would act as if I was fully clothed. I could put on some new lingerie and he would act as if he didn't even notice.
> 
> Now factor in me being lonely and feeling depressed. Factor in this new man coming around and constantly flirting with me.


One's personal morality should NOT be based on how others act. If you think adultery is wrong then despite whatever you claim H is not doing in the marriage you should not have cheated.I think you feel like H shares part of the blame for YOUR affair with his good friend and if that is true a R will be impossible.


----------



## Drea83

Ladylegs, I feel there some negative people on here but also many supportive ones. I have benefited from reading the positive ones. I hope it has helped. Although, the negative ones sometimes hurt your soul. Hope everything works out for the two of you!! xoxo


----------



## doubletrouble

ladylegs said:


> How would he feel if I told him how things really happened and how he could have avoided this? All he needs to know is that I love him and I would do anything to make this marriage work.


How HE could've avoided all this? Can you elaborate on that? Did he take his hand and guide Matt's unit into yours, or is there something you haven't told us?

Keep reading, LL, and keep posting. You're showing glimmers of understanding what ppl are trying to tell you here. 

You're not there yet, however.


----------



## ladylegs

Drea83 said:


> Ladylegs, I feel there some negative people on here but also many supportive ones. I have benefited from reading the positive ones. I hope it has helped. Although, the negative ones sometimes hurt your soul. Hope everything works out for the two of you!! xoxo


Yes it hurts but some of the negative comments have helped. When the same thing is repeated by multiple people, it makes me realize that maybe my thought process is wrong and I should be doing things differently. I just wish I found this place earlier perhaps even before I started the affair.


----------



## mablenc

ladylegs said:


> Absolutely. If I wasn't going everything to please my husband and make him feel special, I guess I could understand why he would step outside the marriage. It hurts but it's the truth. It's not that I'm giving him a pass, it's just that I feel that I would have never gave in if I had everything I needed in our marriage. I haven't went into too many details but there are a lot of things I was unhappy with in our marriage. Sex seemed to always be when he felt like it and I was never satisfied. I could literally come out the shower naked and he would act as if I was fully clothed. I could put on some new lingerie and he would act as if he didn't even notice.
> 
> Now factor in me being lonely and feeling depressed. Factor in this new man coming around and constantly flirting with me.


And you just regressed right here, no! Go back. You are blame shifting again! Separate the but he did or didn't to from the fact that you had a full blown affair for 8 months!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ladylegs

doubletrouble said:


> How HE could've avoided all this? Can you elaborate on that? Did he take his hand and guide Matt's unit into yours, or is there something you haven't told us?
> 
> Keep reading, LL, and keep posting. You're showing glimmers of understanding what ppl are trying to tell you here.
> 
> You're not there yet, however.


He could have avoided it by catering to my needs more and showing me more attention. Even then, I still had no right to cheat! At first, I didn't understand why it happened but now I'm starting to understand that I cheated because I was missing something. I needed a void to be filled. It's still no excuse but that's how I feel.


----------



## TBT

ladylegs said:


> He could have avoided it by catering to my needs more and showing me more attention.


So.if he doesn't cater to your needs and show you more attention the only option you offer is infidelity? Causing the biggest problem your marriage will face is the go to option for solving your marital problems and getting your needs met by your husband?


----------



## azteca1986

ladylegs said:


> I'm actually considering just writing him a letter detailing the entire affair and my thought process. At least if I put everything out there, I would have no more regrets. *Maybe he wouldn't have left if I told him in the first place instead of him hearing this from Matt.*


I think you're right here. Well done for recognising this.

The blame for problems in your marriage are split 50/50. Obviously the marriage wasn't perfect - but which marriage ever is?

The responsibility for the affair is 100% on you. There were other choices open to you at any stage in the 8 months it lasted. You must understand and separate - your choosing to have an affair and the existing problems in you marriage.


----------



## ladylegs

So I have a question. If I do end up reconciling with my husband, should I tell him why I'm unhappy and tell him about the things in our marriage that pushed me away? I understand that this may be too soon to tell him why I wasn't happy but would this ever be a good idea or should I just be totally submissive and cooperative in order to win him back?


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

ladylegs said:


> He could have avoided it by catering to my needs more and showing me more attention. Even then, I still had no right to cheat! At first, I didn't understand why it happened but now I'm starting to understand that I cheated because I was missing something. I needed a void to be filled. It's still no excuse but that's how I feel.


You are right in that you had no right to cheat but I worry still about the line of thinking that motivated you to write the first sentence. That line of thinking places the blame solely on him. Of course if he had paid you more attention then you might not have cheated ... but then again there were other choices you had too. You could have divorced or worked on your marriage. He didn't make that choice for you ... you made it all on your own.


----------



## SoulStorm

ladylegs said:


> So I have a question. If I do end up reconciling with my husband, should I tell him why I'm unhappy and tell him about the things in our marriage that pushed me away? I understand that this may be too soon to tell him why I wasn't happy but would this ever be a good idea or should I just be totally submissive and cooperative in order to win him back?


Both


----------



## KevinLW

Give it time. Its not an ego thing with all men, but its more of a competition. When your husband saw those pics on Matts phone, he knew he lost. Sorry to say this, but images of you enjoying every inch of Matt entered his mind and he left to get away from you because of these images. Fortunately, time does heal all wounds. It may take longer for some men, but once your husband knows that you and Matt aren't friends anymore he'll come around. Keep in touch with your husband and you both talk about new, healthy experiences in your life. I agree meeting him for lunch was a great start.
Also, let your husband know about your depression and the struggle you went through. If hes a good husband, he will listen to you do what he has to do for his family.


----------



## The Middleman

*I'm looking at the comments being made by those who are not beating-up "ladylegs" over some of her more outrageous comments ..... and I noticed that some are giving her advice on how to deceive her husband into believing she is actually remorseful for having sex with his friend for eight months .... when her own postings show otherwise.*


----------



## mablenc

I think this is the difference:

I cheated because you did or didn't or you made me feel..you should have done this. 

to
I realize that nothing in this world justifies my actions and I am in no way trying to, I should have been upfront and honest when I was feeling insecure about x situation. I should have asked to seek help with me. I know I am not worthy of your forgiveness, and I respect that. I am asking you to give me another chance to make this right. I am willing to do anything. If one thing hurts me is that I hurt you.

to add, you have to actually feel what you are saying not just telling him what you think will make him forgive you.


----------



## ladylegs

johnAdams said:


> LL, you sound somewhat like my wife after her affair. According to her, I was not meeting her needs, and I probably was not. The OM gave her more attention and compliments than I did. I was working long hours. According to her it just happened. Like you we had children and had been married approximately 11 years. After the affair she just wanted to move on as if nothing happened. I was torn up beyond belief just as your husband. The good news is we did reconcile. It has been well over 20 years since the affair and for the most part we are a happy couple. So, this is also possible for you. You may be able to sweep this under the rug. Your husband however just had the most significant event in his life occur. He will never be the same though he can still love you. I wish you well. I feel for your husband and the hell you have put him through. Knowing what I know now being a BS, if I had it to do over, divorce may have been the best option. What you did in my opinion was even worse than what my wife did, so I doubt I could reconcile with you if I was in your husband's shoes. But then again, I would have never thought I would have stayed after any affair.


It's good to hear that there is still hope for us. Since your wife wanted to pretend nothing happened, was the burden on you to fix the marriage or did she have to do most of the heavy lifting?


----------



## Dad&Hubby

ladylegs said:


> Absolutely. If I wasn't going everything to please my husband and make him feel special, I guess I could understand why he would step outside the marriage. It hurts but it's the truth. It's not that I'm giving him a pass, it's just that I feel that I would have never gave in if I had everything I needed in our marriage. I haven't went into too many details but there are a lot of things I was unhappy with in our marriage. Sex seemed to always be when he felt like it and I was never satisfied. I could literally come out the shower naked and he would act as if I was fully clothed. I could put on some new lingerie and he would act as if he didn't even notice.
> 
> Now factor in me being lonely and feeling depressed. Factor in this new man coming around and constantly flirting with me.


Okay, I've factored it all in and you know what a faithful spouse does?

Ignores the flirting and demands their spouse to work on their marriage. And after a long battle of your emotional needs not being met and your husband not changing. You end the relationship before you start another one. 

In my first marriage, my ex-wife manipulated me and I allowed her to turn me into a paycheck. We were married for 6 years. She had an affair for the last 3 years of it. She had sex with me twice in those 3 years, and none in the last year and a half. She completely emotionally detached from me. We were BAD roommates.

I didn't cheat. I divorced. Stop justifying your actions. You can't fully own them until you accept them. You can't truly make the changes needed to be made until you take ownership of the problem without diverting responsibility of your actions. You chose certain actions REGARDLESS of your surrounding influences.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

ladylegs said:


> So I have a question. If I do end up reconciling with my husband, should I tell him why I'm unhappy and tell him about the things in our marriage that pushed me away? I understand that this may be too soon to tell him why I wasn't happy but would this ever be a good idea or should I just be totally submissive and cooperative in order to win him back?


You need to address all the issues in your marriage from both sides...but in the proper order. Deal with the biggest issues first and work your way down. The first is your affair. Once you both are truly committed to fixing your marriage. THEN you can address the areas you need addressed and he needs addressed. But STOP STOP STOP making the things you weren't happy about as the reason for your affair.


----------



## mablenc

You should not be adding to the balance to see if you come out equal.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

johnAdams said:


> LL, you sound somewhat like my wife after her affair. According to her, I was not meeting her needs, and I probably was not. The OM gave her more attention and compliments than I did. I was working long hours. According to her it just happened. Like you we had children and had been married approximately 11 years. After the affair she just wanted to move on as if nothing happened. I was torn up beyond belief just as your husband. The good news is we did reconcile. It has been well over 20 years since the affair and for the most part we are a happy couple. So, this is also possible for you. You may be able to sweep this under the rug. Your husband however just had the most significant event in his life occur. He will never be the same though he can still love you. I wish you well. I feel for your husband and the hell you have put him through. Knowing what I know now being a BS, if I had it to do over, divorce may have been the best option. What you did in my opinion was even worse than what my wife did, so I doubt I could reconcile with you if I was in your husband's shoes. But then again, I would have never thought I would have stayed after any affair.





ladylegs said:


> It's good to hear that there is still hope for us. Since your wife wanted to pretend nothing happened, was the burden on you to fix the marriage or did she have to do most of the heavy lifting?


This questions concerns me LL. Are you looking to make your husband do most of the heavy lifting because you still hold resentment to how he treated (or didn't treat) you way back when before the affair which pushed you into Matt's arms?

I get from you that you want to save your marriage and that's admirable. The fact you're on this site and in this discussion is also something you should be proud of, but I don't get a sense of true remorse and regret about your choice to have an affair. I sense the regret for the consequences, but not your personal choices and actions.


----------



## SoulStorm

The biggest problem is her husband has already decided to divorce. It is she who does not want to accept that. I have been thinking about this. She deliberately chose Matt because she knew it would hurt her husband as bad as she was hurting from his neglect of her. She did it vindictively and with vitriol. However she was not prepared for this consequence. She thought she was teaching him a lesson and it backfired.

All the advice you are getting could help you..but only if your husband wants to. The way you did this, he may never feel safe enough to even try.


----------



## ladylegs

I don't mind doing the heavy lifting. It's just with the scenario you gave, I wouldn't expect you guys to stay together unless there was a lot of compromise on your part. I hope I'm not offending you by asking but I was just curious since your incident is very similar to mine.


----------



## bugmenot

johnAdams said:


> LL, you sound somewhat like my wife after her affair. According to her, I was not meeting her needs, and I probably was not. The OM gave her more attention and compliments than I did. I was working long hours. According to her it just happened. Like you we had children and had been married approximately 11 years. After the affair she just wanted to move on as if nothing happened. I was torn up beyond belief just as your husband. The good news is we did reconcile. It has been well over 20 years since the affair and for the most part we are a happy couple. So, this is also possible for you. You may be able to sweep this under the rug. Your husband however just had the most significant event in his life occur. He will never be the same though he can still love you. I wish you well. I feel for your husband and the hell you have put him through. Knowing what I know now being a BS, if I had it to do over, divorce may have been the best option. What you did in my opinion was even worse than what my wife did, so I doubt I could reconcile with you if I was in your husband's shoes. But then again, I would have never thought I would have stayed after any affair.


This is the whole point she is not getting. An affair is devastating even though you have stayed with your wife you have carried this burden for 2 decades. John, does your wife carry around the same burden? I really think the only way some WS can truly understand is to be cheated on themselves.


----------



## Wazza

ladylegs said:


> So I have a question. If I do end up reconciling with my husband, should I tell him why I'm unhappy and tell him about the things in our marriage that pushed me away? I understand that this may be too soon to tell him why I wasn't happy but would this ever be a good idea or should I just be totally submissive and cooperative in order to win him back?


It is a balance. No question you need to work on the problems. But you need support to keep it constructive. Counselling?


----------



## Dad&Hubby

ladylegs said:


> I don't mind doing the heavy lifting. It's just with the scenario you gave, I wouldn't expect you guys to stay together unless there was a lot of compromise on your part. I hope I'm not offending you by asking but I was just curious since your incident is very similar to mine.


Is this directed at me. If so, no offense. I wouldn't come on this board if I was easily offended LOL. I put myself out there to try and help others.

At the 11th hour of our divorce my ex asked if I wanted to reconcile. There was ZERO chance that was going to happen from my end. I realized this wasn't a marriage based on love. It was opportunity for her and many problematic issues within me that I needed to address. But love and commitment and friendship were not in the marriage. IF the marriage did have those things, I might have considered reconciling but I would NOT be the one doing the heavy lifting.

I look at it this way. When you're in the store as a kid playing around with something breakable, what would your parents say "You break it you bought it." Same goes for relationships, he who breaks...fixes. As much as your H treated you badly (which I wonder how much is real versus you rewriting marital history to reduce your part of the blame) he didn't BREAK the marriage..he hurt the marriage but YOU broke it.


----------



## ThePheonix

ladylegs said:


> So I have a question. If I do end up reconciling with my husband, should I tell him why I'm unhappy and tell him about the things in our marriage that pushed me away?


You need a marriage councilor to referee errr, keep things in perspective. A common saying in law is that anyone trying to be their own attorney has a fool for a client. I think the same wisdom applies.


----------



## The Middleman

SoulStorm said:


> The biggest problem is her husband has already decided to divorce. It is she who does not want to accept that. I have been thinking about this. She deliberately chose Matt because she knew it would hurt her husband as bad as she was hurting from his neglect of her. She did it vindictively and with vitriol. However she was not prepared for this consequence. She thought she was teaching him a lesson and it backfired.
> 
> All the advice you are getting could help you..but only if your husband wants to. The way you did this, he may never feel safe enough to even try.


Thank you, I thought I was the only one who saw this!

When a cheater is having sex with their spouse's best friend, the intent, whether conscientiously or sub-conscientiously, is to hurt the spouse. There is no other explanation.


----------



## Wazza

The Middleman said:


> Thank you, I thought I was the only one who saw this!
> 
> When a cheater is having sex with their spouse's best friend, the intent, whether conscientiously or sub-conscientiously, is to hurt the spouse. There is no other explanation.


Must explain hormones, lust and sexual desire to you. Might provide an alternate hypothesis.


----------



## Rookie4

ladylegs said:


> I was tempted to go to his job earlier and my girlfriend even showed up ready to go. We decided against it because I want to give him space and I don't want to cause a scene on his job.
> 
> I was also tempted him to direct him to this site but I've also changed my mind on that. For some reason, more than half of the people here feel that I'm not entitled to any sort of reconciliation. If he were to come here, it would do more harm than good.
> 
> Also, reading some of the stuff I wrote earlier makes me ashamed. Although that's how I felt before, things need to be different if I'm hoping to wrong this right. I don't think he can handle the full truth at this point so it seems my focus should be on trying to mend our relationship.


This is an excuse, if you are ever going to mend your marriage you need to tell the COMPLETE TRUTH. What you are talking about doing is called trickle-truthing, ask the other posters what they think of this. You need to tell him every single action or thought you had during the affair, because every time something new comes out that you didn't tell him about before, will be another lie and an will set his trust in you back even further. You really need to get your head on straight. Continued lying is absolutely the worst possible thing you can do.


----------



## Rookie4

ladylegs said:


> I'm not playing him for a puppet. The point I was trying to make is that the truth hurts and I already know he is hurting right now. He still hasn't asked me why I did it even though I'm sure he is wondering. How would he feel if I told him how things really happened and how he could have avoided this? All he needs to know is that I love him and I would do anything to make this marriage work.


Ladylegs, you are the cheater, you don't get to decide what he knows or doesn't know. You are doomed to divorce if you don't tell him the complete truth. Don't take my word for it, asked the other posters.


----------



## Rookie4

ladylegs said:


> I mentioned that earlier. I take 100% responsibility for the affair. I had a choice and could have said no. I was just saying that I wasn't 100% responsible about the problems in our marriage. That is partially the reason why I had the affair.
> 
> That's the truth I was talking about. How would he feel if I told him that I felt he was partially responsible for this? Should I just pretend that everything was perfect in our marriage and that I just had the urge to cheat? That's why I was saying that maybe I shouldn't give him the whole truth about how I felt.


Do you not understand the truth? You are making excuses to continue to lie.and once he catches you trickle truthing him, you chance to save your marriage will be history. Is that what you want?


----------



## Rookie4

ladylegs said:


> So I have a question. If I do end up reconciling with my husband, should I tell him why I'm unhappy and tell him about the things in our marriage that pushed me away? I understand that this may be too soon to tell him why I wasn't happy but would this ever be a good idea or should I just be totally submissive and cooperative in order to win him back?


First, last and always , STOP LYING, STOP LYING , STOP LYING!!! Tell no lies at all. Tell him eveything . Then work on your marriage issues together , HONESTLY..


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## doubletrouble

ladylegs said:


> He could have avoided it by catering to my needs more and showing me more attention. Even then, I still had no right to cheat! At first, I didn't understand why it happened but now I'm starting to understand that I cheated because I was missing something. I needed a void to be filled. It's still no excuse but that's how I feel.


Fast moving thread here... 

LL, I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here and help because that's why you've come here. So here's a 2nd look at what you wrote, because the first impression I got is the same as what others have already commented on:

The first two sentences contradict each other, at face value. But if I parse them out, you're talking about your marraige problems in the first one, and the affair in the second one. 

The reason I did this in my mind, parsing out your sentences rather than reading them as a continuum, is that together they didn't make sense. The two together are oxymoronic, and I know you're not joking. 

So is that way off base, or is that more towards what you were trying to express? I think I see this pattern in some of your other posts, too, because at some points you seem to "get it" and at others you don't. 

Please know this isn't bashing or anything of the sort, just trying to make sure we're communicating here.


----------



## The Middleman

Wazza said:


> Must explain hormones, lust and sexual desire to you. Might provide an alternate hypothesis.


Guess that explains how some people forget they should be decent human beings and have a conscience. I grew up thinking that's what separated us from the rest of the Animal Kingdom. But, what do I know; I'm too old fashioned. :scratchhead:


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

ThePheonix said:


> You need a marriage councilor to referee errr, keep things in perspective. A common saying in law is that anyone trying to be their own attorney has a fool for a client. I think the same wisdom applies.


Actually I think going back to individual counseling is in order before marriage counseling.

There are a lot of things I'm hearing here:

1) I felt that he had cheated.
2) He made me feel very alone.
3) I was depressed
4) I was vulnerable
5) Essentially all of this -

For one, *we have grown apart over the years* and although he is a good man, *things were not the same sexually and emotionally between us*. Both of us should be held accountable to this since I admit that we didn't do anything to try and grow closer. From reading other stories on here, I'm sure we're not the only couple guilty of this. Also, *he left me in such a prolonged vulnerable state* and then has his charmer of a friend start coming around. My husband didn't get the least bit defensive when Matt was around. *Instead of treating me like his trophy wife, he ignored me* so he could hang out with his buddy.

6) He could have avoided it by catering to my needs ...
7) I'm unhappy and he pushed me away

Hearing all this I wonder why you want to be married to this man at all but then I also hear ... he is a good man, he is an amazing man ... we love him and need him. 

What is the truth?

1) I think you've had 8 months to justify to yourself the reasons why you were cheating. If you hadn't, you probably wouldn't have been able to keep it up ... so you took things that had some basis in truth and built them up to the point that you could believe you were justified in cheating. After all, if things were really that terrible, you should have divorced. 

2) You contributed to all of these things that you feel were the reasons that you cheated. You don't even realize it at this point.

A counselor is going to help you sort this out. I think you need to understand these things even if you are unable to reconcile with your husband. You do not want to bring this into your next relationship. The additional benefit of going to counselor is that it will demonstrate how hard you are willing to work on this. I would start there and then at some point later on suggest marriage counseling.

A few years ago I separated from my wife. I had some very good reasons and it is a list too long to go into. I agreed to go to marriage counseling after a one month period of no contact. At the point that I separated I placed 90% of the blame of the problems in our relationship on her. You could not have convinced me otherwise. I did not cheat but if I had I am sure that if I had, I would have felt that she had pushed me into it.  The resentment I had for her was so much that I had to leave the house if we were going to have any chance on working on our marriage ... as long as I was constantly reminded of the things I resented, there was no way I was going to change my viewpoint. Marriage counseling was a shock to my system. I did not understand how much I contributed to the problems in our marriage and to her behaviors. My perception and her perception were completely different. Finding out that I had some measure of culpability for things I placed squarely on her shoulders was a shock and completely changed my viewpoint. Frankly, I don't know if it improved our marriage at that time ... but it did help me and in doing so I think it eventually helped our marriage.

I think coming here is great. I applaud you for doing that. I do think that talking this out with a good counselor (there are some that aren't that good) could also help you tremendously ... if not for this relationship then for yourself and any future relationship you may have.


----------



## Juicer

Continued lying will be the final nail in the coffin that is your marriage. I am sure a legion of former waywards can attest to that. 

As for being open and honest, and submissive with your husband, you should have been doing that in the first place.

When he ask a question, you tell him the truth, the whole truth, and don't hide anything. 
This is going to hurt him. And he'll call you every name you can think of. (Former BH speaking from experience) But as time goes on, and your answers stay the same because you didn't hide anything (yes, you will discuss the same thing about the affair 100s of times) he will start to slowly trust you again. 

But if you lie or hide the truth and let it out slowly, that is going to make him bitter. He'll learn to take everything you say with a grain of salt. So when you finally tell him the whole truth, that is assuming your marriage survives to that point, he will still expect you to be hiding something. 
That is why you can't lie about this. 

As for how you act around your husband, that is entirely on how he feels. 
You should always be open with him, and tell him what led to the affair. It will hurt him, but he'll learn what he needs to do if he ultimately chooses to reconcile with you. 
And you better be ready for a rollercoaster. There will be nights that he wants to spend the entire evening with you. Then there will be nights where he drives off, turns his phone off, and you have no idea where he is. 

You will have to be patient, and wait for him to finally make a choice. 

And I assume you already know that you are on lockdown. So he should have access to your phone, and your email, and you don't leave the house unless you tell him, and you are voluntarily doing all this. 
And I hope you know to be the best wife you can. Like cooking his favorite meal for him, getting him a beer when he asks for it, and trying to shower him with affection or whatever his love language is every chance you get.


----------



## Wazza

The Middleman said:


> Guess that explains how some people forget they should be decent human beings and have a conscience. I grew up thinking that's what separated us from the rest of the Animal Kingdom. But, what do I know; I'm too old fashioned. :scratchhead:


I think it does.

I know we think differently about the response to cheating, but we both agree it is wrong.

Lust is a fact of life. Being tempted by the novelty of someone new is a fact of life. Tha allure of that other person who is so attractive, is new, and who can pander to you because you only see them at their best......

LL, this is actually an important point. The nature of marriage is you struggle over bills, kids, sharing the housework, all that stuff. Someone new comes along...they don't have that struggle. Heck, you are not living with them, so it becomes easy for them to say the right things because they don't have to keep it up 24 hours a day.

Part of your husband's mistake was to work long hours just to put food on the table. Matt didn't have that responsibility. He could spend time impressing you while your selfish husband was putting a roof over your head, food in your mouth, and clothes on your back.

Now I admit this is an emotional raw spot for me because that's what my wife did. She didn't realise she was doing it, but she insisted on a set of circumstances where I had a heavy load of work and study for a few years, then blamed me that I was out so much. She never talked to me about it, she just got resentful, then fell in with a bad crowd and had an affair.

She's a decent woman, it was very out of character. But at the height of it she talked pretty much like you have been. It was all my fault.

I don't know you. Maybe Middleman is right and you wanted to hurt your husband. Or maybe you just lost sight of the big picture.

There is an idea called the affair fog. People in affairs get this crazy notion of how the world works, that blames everyone else for things. And right now I think you are in it. That is why you are focussing on your husbamd's fault's, and it is likely you are exaggerating them, because it makes you not to blame.

Your head is going to clear, and you are going to hate yourself. Prepare for it.


----------



## Wazza

Juicer said:


> Continued lying will be the final nail in the coffin that is your marriage. I am sure a legion of former waywards can attest to that.
> 
> As for being open and honest, and submissive with your husband, you should have been doing that in the first place.
> 
> When he ask a question, you tell him the truth, the whole truth, and don't hide anything.
> This is going to hurt him. And he'll call you every name you can think of. (Former BH speaking from experience) But as time goes on, and your answers stay the same because you didn't hide anything (yes, you will discuss the same thing about the affair 100s of times) he will start to slowly trust you again.
> 
> But if you lie or hide the truth and let it out slowly, that is going to make him bitter. He'll learn to take everything you say with a grain of salt. So when you finally tell him the whole truth, that is assuming your marriage survives to that point, he will still expect you to be hiding something.
> That is why you can't lie about this.
> 
> As for how you act around your husband, that is entirely on how he feels.
> You should always be open with him, and tell him what led to the affair. It will hurt him, but he'll learn what he needs to do if he ultimately chooses to reconcile with you.
> And you better be ready for a rollercoaster. There will be nights that he wants to spend the entire evening with you. Then there will be nights where he drives off, turns his phone off, and you have no idea where he is.
> 
> You will have to be patient, and wait for him to finally make a choice.
> 
> And I assume you already know that you are on lockdown. So he should have access to your phone, and your email, and you don't leave the house unless you tell him, and you are voluntarily doing all this.
> And I hope you know to be the best wife you can. Like cooking his favorite meal for him, getting him a beer when he asks for it, and trying to shower him with affection or whatever his love language is every chance you get.


Great post.

Not so sold on the idea of wife being submissive. I like that my wife is a strong, intelligent woman. I need to be told I'm wrong sometimes. 

But the love languages is key. LL do you know what that is about?


----------



## ianos

"It is amazing how brave some cheaters are with their internet anonymity". 

Please read some threads here on TAM and try not not to use the same childish exsuses as the other cheaters it's tiring and boring try to be original.
I can understand that you wanna get away with it as painlessly as you can It is human after all but it's unfair to your H. 
You've done the best you could for your marriage so far , henceforth you'll need a lawyer.
Ηave no false hope there aren't any magic tricks, you cheat and now you have to pay the price if you can't that's your problem you should have thought about it 8 months ago, you had fun for 8 months, now it's pay time,and i asume from you posts that there was so much fun ,that you wasn't willing to end it.
Ask yourself what is so special about you that he have to forgive you?What have you done for your H ? 

" I feel like I should be fighting for my marriage for my sake and my children's."
The question is do you want your H back or the benefits of your marriage?

You realy don't understand what you have done to your H, he wasn't a random guy ,he was his "friend "
among others now he is wondering who else among his friends knows about this, and he is thinging about his friend laguhing behind his back the same way he was fu****ing you behind his back, and showing your pictures everywhere,do you thing that's an easy thing for your H to do?can you understand that you have humiliate your H?
You might answer that you understand but to you humiliate it's just a word ,you can't even imagine how it feels 
It would be like wearing all day a t-shirt that will have printed on front & back "i am a sl***t I Cheated On My H with his best friend" and i mean literaly all day everywhere.
I don't think you'll like that.


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## azteca1986

Wazza said:


> Part of your husband's mistake was to work long hours just to put food on the table. Matt didn't have that responsibility. He could spend time impressing you while your *selfish* husband was putting a roof over your head, food in your mouth, and clothes on your back.


I agree with most of your post, Wazza, but you seem to have mis-spelled "selfless"


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## Wazza

azteca1986 said:


> I agree with most of your post, Wazza, but you seem to have mis-spelled "selfless"


I was attempting irony.


----------



## Truthseeker1

johnAdams said:


> In the beginning I did most of the heavy lifting. To this day my wife will say we are still together because I did not give up. Probably after I got over the initial shock and it turned to anger she started trying harder. As the years went on, I think she put in more effort.


John would your wife have gone to be with the OM had you given up?


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## Truthseeker1

johnAdams said:


> No, to this day she does not get it. she recently stated, "we have had a great life with just one small glitch". I thought oh my god she still does not get it.


Are you bleeping kidding me? So she's not remorseful at all? :banghead::banghead: You must be a saint to put up with that. How can anyone refer to an affair as a small glitch?


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## Shaggy

I think the harsh fact that you would still be happily having sex with Matt without any guilt or remorse right now if he didn't catch you is why your husband should not reconcile with you.

That may sound like me just attacking you, but please listen because there is more to it.

You are not sounding remorseful because I do not think you are. And if you think you are, then you are lying to yourself.

You don't like being caught being just another cheater. You don't like your husband leaving you over it, and you don't like being 100% responsible for the coming D.

But go back to the first point, that even after 8 months, you'd still be cheating if you didn't get caught.

Am I correct? Would you still be cheating?

And that fundamentally shows you do not feel guilt over what you did and you do not value the love your husband had for you - you had already on your terms turned your back on your vows and betrayed your husband for Matt.

My advice is to dig deep and really ask do you really want the marriage or do you really just want to go back to not being caught?


Also, what do you have to offer your husband that he should return for? If you hope to entice him back, you need to have very very good answers to that basic question,

Right now what I'm hearing here is that you want him to come back so he can get busy changing himself into the husband you wanted him to be.

That's not a very good sales pitch if that's what you are going with.


----------



## Truthseeker1

johnAdams said:


> He was a player he was just looking for a NSA F....
> 
> She was struck that someone so handsome, etc would want her
> 
> But she did tell me early on she would have moved in with him had he asked


Are you serious? How would she react if you had a RA? Did you ever confront the OM?


----------



## Will_Kane

Ladylegs,

How satisfied were you that you were able to get your husband's good buddy, who your husband chose over you to spend time with, to cheat with you on your husband?

Did it feel like you were winning the contest for your husband's buddy's loyalties and attention?

Was there a sense of revenge against your husband for him choosing to spend time with his good buddy over you?


----------



## Will_Kane

How and why did you choose the user name "ladylegs"?


----------



## Will_Kane

ladylegs said:


> I've had enough respect for my family that we never again had sex in our home.


Can you explain what you feel your respect level was for your husband during your affair, and now?


----------



## Will_Kane

ladylegs said:


> I denied everything.
> 
> Matt told him every single detail about our relationship.
> 
> At that point, I had no choice but to come clean about what I did.


The problem with lying, especially so blatantly, is that now even when you tell the truth, he can't really believe you.

The lies afterward kill more marriages than the affairs.


----------



## Will_Kane

Without quoting passages from all of your posts, because I could quote so many, the words and tone of your posts come off as being very entitled. 

Also still very much resentful of how your husband treated you. 

Instead of standing up for yourself and telling your husband what a jerk he was being - by leaving you to take care of the kids, and by not acknowledging just how much work taking care of the house and kids is, and by working so much, and by being basically absent from the marriage when he was home, and by not acknowledging how sexy and desirable you are, and then when his friend moves nearby all of a sudden finding time to be with his friend, but not with you, and by choosing his friend over you - instead of standing up for yourself and telling your husband all of this, you chose to have an affair.

Now you resent the fact that your husband basically gets off scot-free, with the moral high ground, for his stinky behavior, while you come off looking like the lying vvh0re.

He's not getting off scot-free. You got back at him pretty good. Getting over infidelity is pretty tough for many people, even if it was with a stranger for a one-night stand, but when it's with your best friend for eight months - he might not ever get over it.

Especially because no matter how you try, you can't disguise your resentment over your husband.

The entitlement, meanwhile, I sense comes from your husband's friend being so "cool" and "hot," not at all nerdy like your husband, as a matter of fact, the complete opposite. A guy any woman would salivate over and dream to be with, and he chose you. You feel you are much higher on the looks scale than your husband and your husband is lucky to have you.

Some guys would rather have someone who is loyal than someone who is hot.


----------



## Will_Kane

ladylegs said:


> He just doesn't seem to understand that that is tearing me up just as much as him *if not more*! I feel so guilty and I feel like my life has been torn apart. I have begged and pleaded with him all day and he has just been ignoring my calls and *responding on his own time* throughout the day.


Don't go to his job. He won't appreciate having to cause a scene in front of his co-workers and it will put you deeper in the hole.

At what point were you planning on ending the affair? Did you think you could get away with it indefinitely or were you so caught up in it that you didn't give it any thought at all?

Did you use protection?

Birth control?

What if you got pregnant by the other man? Even if you used birth control, it is not foolproof.


----------



## that_girl

It's not about you anymore, hun.

It's alllllll on your husband's time.

Take a breath, say your peace and let it go. Time will work shet out. Hard to do, but it works.

You are not in control. Sucks, no? You messed up big time. Begging, FORCING, being ridiculous is not going to help your cause.

Be quiet and sit down and wait. Yep. Wait. 

Or do it your way and blast it all to hell even more. Honestly, my advice is good and honest.


----------



## Will_Kane

ladylegs said:


> I'm actually considering just writing him a letter detailing the entire affair and my thought process. At least if I put everything out there, I would have no more regrets. Maybe he wouldn't have left if I told him in the first place instead of him hearing this from Matt.


Don't write the letter yet. You are not ready. You are still in the self-entitled affair phase of your thinking. Or else you are just you. In any event, if you write the type of stuff you posted here, you have a zero percent chance of reconciliation.

The truth of the matter is, that your husband could not have done anything to prevent this. You wanted it. It didn't just happen TO you. You flirted with this guy and gave him the green light every step of the way.

What you have done for the better part of this thread is what we call "re-writing the marital history," saying if only my husband had done this or said this, that's all I would have needed to avoid the affair. 

A week ago you were in the thick of the affair and damn happy about it. The only thing that's happened since then is that your husband found out. Nothing has happened to change you. It's all been external, not internal.

When you are posting that your husband had nothing to do with the affair, that it was your choice and yours alone, and there was nothing he could have done to stop it, then we will know you understand.

Your husband treated you a certain way, and you feel that somehow drove you into the affair. There are about a thousand different ways you could have reacted to your husband's behavior, the most obvious being to confront him aggressively. You didn't. You encouraged his friend with your flirting.

Do you honestly believe his friend would have pursued you if you had given him the stop light? No, he would have quit pursuing immediately because of worrying about your husband finding out. Whatever you did, you made it clear to the friend, either through words or otherwise, that you were NOT going to tell your husband about him pursuing you. That's the same as laying naked in the bed and saying, "take me." That's how guys look at it. That's the green light.

Why do you want to stay married to your husband if he treated you so badly for so long?


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

Will_Kane said:


> Some guys would rather have someone who is loyal than someone who is hot.


 Including this guy.


----------



## treyvion

Will_Kane said:


> The problem with lying, especially so blatantly, is that now even when you tell the truth, he can't really believe you.
> 
> The lies afterward kill more marriages than the affairs.


She already did some talking earlier, spew talk because it probably sounded good to her brain, but to anyone paying attention it did not make any sense at all. The sense it made was someone who was slightly delusional due to the double life nature of an affair.


----------



## Vanguard

This thread wins the award for having the most "me" in it.


----------



## Vanguard

Ladylegs said:


> I was tempted to go to his job earlier and my girlfriend even showed up ready to go. We decided against it because I want to give him space and I don't want to cause a scene on his job.
> 
> I was also tempted him to direct him to this site but I've also changed my mind on that. For some reason, *more than half of the people here feel that I'm not entitled to any sort of reconciliation. If he were to come here, it would do more harm than good.*
> 
> Also, reading some of the stuff I wrote earlier makes me ashamed. Although that's how I felt before, things need to be different if I'm hoping to wrong this right. I don't think he can handle the full truth at this point so it seems my focus should be on trying to mend our relationship.


See, this is one of your most fundamental problems, and the very reason why you will always be a cheater. 

Because you _equate what is good with what you want._ There are people who think "if I like it then it must be the right thing to do." Those people are called children. But when an adult does that, that person is called a sociopath. 

You thought that you were doing the right thing when you were dancing on Matt's pole for eight months. You thought you were protecting your husband when you lied to him over and over, all the while sleeping next to him. You think you're protecting him now and doing the right thing by keeping him from this site, filled with wisdom and experience and people who truly care for your husband. 

And you thought all those things were and are good because they're good for *YOU.* You are not thinking about your husband. You are lying to him still by keeping him away from healthy ideas and advice. You're doing that because you're afraid if he is given all ideas, all perspectives, that he'll choose something other than you. 

There is no facking doubt in my mind that if you could, you would obscure everything, everything from him so that he would feel that his only option was to work things out with you. You would *prevent him from knowing truth*. And there is no doubt in my mind that you would have no problem doing that, *because you would convince yourself that you were accomplishing the greater good*. And you would cheat on him again, because you are so self-centered, so egotistical and so severed from the stark and simple reality that _other people exist_ you cannot operate properly in this plane of existence. 

I know that seems harsh, but believe me, you need to hear it, and consider it. Stop trying to manipulate your husband into staying with you. Use this as an opportunity to learn, _so you can become a person._




More harm than good...

*GOD.*


----------



## bfree

Wazza said:


> Not so sold on the idea of wife being submissive. I like that my wife is a strong, intelligent woman. I need to be told I'm wrong sometimes.
> 
> But the love languages is key. LL do you know what that is about?


Being submissive and strong/intelligent are not mutually exclusive. Sometimes I think people have the wrong idea as to what submissiveness really is.


----------



## bfree

Will_Kane said:


> Without quoting passages from all of your posts, because I could quote so many, the words and tone of your posts come off as being very entitled.
> 
> Also still very much resentful of how your husband treated you.
> 
> Instead of standing up for yourself and telling your husband what a jerk he was being - by leaving you to take care of the kids, and by not acknowledging just how much work taking care of the house and kids is, and by working so much, and by being basically absent from the marriage when he was home, and by not acknowledging how sexy and desirable you are, and then when his friend moves nearby all of a sudden finding time to be with his friend, but not with you, and by choosing his friend over you - instead of standing up for yourself and telling your husband all of this, you chose to have an affair.
> 
> Now you resent the fact that your husband basically gets off scot-free, with the moral high ground, for his stinky behavior, while you come off looking like the lying vvh0re.
> 
> He's not getting off scot-free. You got back at him pretty good. Getting over infidelity is pretty tough for many people, even if it was with a stranger for a one-night stand, but when it's with your best friend for eight months - he might not ever get over it.
> 
> Especially because no matter how you try, you can't disguise your resentment over your husband.
> 
> The entitlement, meanwhile, I sense comes from your husband's friend being so "cool" and "hot," not at all nerdy like your husband, as a matter of fact, the complete opposite. A guy any woman would salivate over and dream to be with, and he chose you. * You feel you are much higher on the looks scale than your husband and your husband is lucky to have you.
> 
> Some guys would rather have someone who is loyal than someone who is hot*.


Ever see pictures of models and actresses without their makeup and expensive clothes? They are utterly plain and meh. Physical beauty is not only false, it's transitory. There is an inner beauty that I for one find much more enthralling. It has to do with strength, character and honor. And that kind of beauty doesn't need makeup or fancy clothes. It glows 24/7 and needs no enhancements.


----------



## mablenc

charliechocolatefactory said:


> Hi
> 
> I would strongly suggest you immediately seek (to pay/subsidized/_pro bono_) individual counselling and/or support groups! And continue no matter what happens with your relationship with your significant other or anyone else. It has helped me immensely.
> 
> Best wishes!


Sigh, yeah agree at this point is best for you to seek counseling for you. I myself have been in counseling and it helped me alot.

I don't know if you are still in the fog, are in denial, or are resented with your husband to the point you want to care because he's your husband but don't grasp the realty of the damage. 

Someone pointed out earlier on that some of us seem to be telling you what he wants to hear so he can forgive you. I feel that was trying to help you with the reconciliation, but it's starting to feel like I'm coaching you on what you should say and feel. 

Maybe the love has died within you for him, that alone may be difficult to digest. I don't know. 

I hope you have taken all the advice thrown at you and that you can find peace in your life with or without your husband. It may take years to fully heal, and the outcome may not be what you had desired but, its part of being an adult and taking responsibility for ones actions. 

I would also suggest you give him space and take that time to work on you. It can back fire and ruin any chance of reconciliation if you are not ready. You can hurt him further and worse by blaming him for your actions. 

I am in no way implying that you should not come here for support. I just seems like the we are going in circles.

You will survive this, I promise you will.


----------



## aug

Will_Kane said:


> The entitlement, meanwhile, I sense comes from your husband's friend being so "cool" and "hot," not at all nerdy like your husband, as a matter of fact, the complete opposite. A guy any woman would salivate over and dream to be with, and he chose you. * You feel you are much higher on the looks scale than your husband and your husband is lucky to have you.*
> 
> Some guys would rather have someone who is loyal than someone who is hot.



The sentence in bold reminds me of her comment about being a trophy wife for her husband. I wonder if she's a hot as she thinks she is? If so, certainly only skin deep.


----------



## ReformedHubby

Vanguard said:


> See, this is one of your most fundamental problems, and the very reason why you will always be a cheater.
> 
> Because you _equate what is good with what you want._ There are people who think "if I like it then it must be the right thing to do." Those people are called children. But when an adult does that, that person is called a sociopath.
> 
> You thought that you were doing the right thing when you were dancing on Matt's pole for eight months. You thought you were protecting your husband when you lied to him over and over, all the while sleeping next to him. You think you're protecting him now and doing the right thing by keeping him from this site, filled with wisdom and experience and people who truly care for your husband.
> 
> And you thought all those things were and are good because they're good for *YOU.* You are not thinking about your husband. You are lying to him still by keeping him away from healthy ideas and advice. You're doing that because you're afraid if he is given all ideas, all perspectives, that he'll choose something other than you.
> 
> There is no facking doubt in my mind that if you could, you would obscure everything, everything from him so that he would feel that his only option was to work things out with you. You would *prevent him from knowing truth*. And there is no doubt in my mind that you would have no problem doing that, *because you would convince yourself that you were accomplishing the greater good*. And you would cheat on him again, because you are so self-centered, so egotistical and so severed from the stark and simple reality that _other people exist_ you cannot operate properly in this plane of existence.
> 
> I know that seems harsh, but believe me, you need to hear it, and consider it. Stop trying to manipulate your husband into staying with you. Use this as an opportunity to learn, _so you can become a person._
> 
> 
> 
> 
> More harm than good...
> 
> *GOD.*


You truly understand the mind of a wayward spouse. All are more self centered than loyal spouses, and some are just way to me focused to ever really get it. This is why I don't think LadyLegs has any chance to reconcile.

If a wayward spouse does not have the ability to show remorse on D-Day its pretty much a lost cause. This means that they have the ability to nuke their loving spouse's entire world and yet still somehow keep the focus entirely on themselves. Who would want to be with someone like that?


----------



## aug

There's some hope. At least she's asking.


----------



## ianos

"more than half of the people here feel that I'm not entitled to any sort of reconciliation "

Than this you should ask yourself, how come a bunch of strangers from all over the world hapen to have the same opinion about you?Is it a coincidence , some kind of conspiracy or is it comon sence?What do you think?
I would like to believe that most posters here have good intentions but your story and your behavior is just to much.
Have you ever wonder why mat confess so easily, or why didn't he called you to warn you about your H?
Is it because he understood the same things as we about you and this was his way to get rid of you?
Because i don't believe that it was out of guilt,he doesn't respect you and much more he doesn't respect your H.

Is it posible that your children might had seen you getting fu*****ed the first time? have you notice any differnse in their behavior?You might want to consider this since you claim that you care about them so much.
In my opinion right now you sould pack up your things and move in some place else maybe with your mother/sister/cousin/a friend, your choice.
Then get a D but don't make your H pay for you to f****k around that's not fair.Don't worry you can still R after D just fine.
In the midle time you can find a job move at your own place and start to support yourself for a change, find a counselor to help you with your problems, prove to your H that you are trying to be a better person ,and that you undertake the responsibilities of your actions and eventually when you'll stand on your own feet , ask yourself again if you want to try R with your H
if the answer is still yes-wich i doubt- then you might have a change.


----------



## harrybrown

Did you ever think about your husband when you had your fun? Are you ready to start thinking how he feels? I do not see that you are putting yourself in his place. What if he cheated on you over and over and over with your good friend? Did you ever really care about him to hurt him so deeply by having your affair? Have you told him how you loved his friend and he is your backup plan?


----------



## Rookie4

Ladylegs, If you are lurking about, you have been given some really good advice from a few of our more experienced posters. If you have any wisdom at all, you will follow their advice and get professional help with your selfishness and dishonesty issues. Until you are able to put your husband 's interests ahead of your own, and STOP THE LYING , your chances for recovery are almost nil. Wise-up and listen!!


----------



## ladylegs

Vanguard said:


> See, this is one of your most fundamental problems, and the very reason why you will always be a cheater.
> 
> Because you _equate what is good with what you want._ There are people who think "if I like it then it must be the right thing to do." Those people are called children. But when an adult does that, that person is called a sociopath.
> 
> You thought that you were doing the right thing when you were dancing on Matt's pole for eight months. You thought you were protecting your husband when you lied to him over and over, all the while sleeping next to him. You think you're protecting him now and doing the right thing by keeping him from this site, filled with wisdom and experience and people who truly care for your husband.
> 
> And you thought all those things were and are good because they're good for *YOU.* You are not thinking about your husband. You are lying to him still by keeping him away from healthy ideas and advice. You're doing that because you're afraid if he is given all ideas, all perspectives, that he'll choose something other than you.
> 
> There is no facking doubt in my mind that if you could, you would obscure everything, everything from him so that he would feel that his only option was to work things out with you. You would *prevent him from knowing truth*. And there is no doubt in my mind that you would have no problem doing that, *because you would convince yourself that you were accomplishing the greater good*. And you would cheat on him again, because you are so self-centered, so egotistical and so severed from the stark and simple reality that _other people exist_ you cannot operate properly in this plane of existence.
> 
> I know that seems harsh, but believe me, you need to hear it, and consider it. Stop trying to manipulate your husband into staying with you. Use this as an opportunity to learn, _so you can become a person._
> 
> 
> 
> 
> More harm than good...
> 
> *GOD.*


So you think I will always be a cheater? Well let me tell you that I've already learned my lesson. I already know that I was wrong and I know that it would never happen again. I've already promised myself that when we get back together, he will have my heart and I will never cheat on him again.

If my husband happened to stumble upon this site, then so be it. Since I've been here, the popular opinion has been that we should break up and move on. Everyone is entitled to second chance and that includes me. Why would I ever direct him here if I wanted the best chance to mend things and get back together? It's not doing more harm than good, it's protecting his feelings and letting him think on his own. In the end, we made a commitment to each other and he needs to realize that the flame is not entirely gone yet.


----------



## ladylegs

Also, I spoke with my husband tomorrow. We are going to meet tomorrow afternoon for lunch. I plan on pouring out my heart to him and telling everything including the good and the bad. I won't hold anything back and I will tell him the real reasons why I slept with Matt. I hope he accepts it as I promised myself that I won't sugar coat anything.


----------



## Juicer

ladylegs said:


> Also, I spoke with my husband tomorrow. We are going to meet tomorrow afternoon for lunch. I plan on pouring out my heart to him and telling everything including the good and the bad. I won't hold anything back and I will tell him the real reasons why I slept with Matt. I hope he accepts it as I promised myself that I won't sugar coat anything.


Giving the whole truth is a wonderful idea. 
Giving the truth with your emotions in it, is probably a bad idea. 

Because telling your husband 
"I hooked up with your friend because you were working so much, and I felt neglected. And he was attractive, and I never expected you to have a dashing rogue of a friend like him." 

To a BH will sound like:
"I don't appreciate the fact that you busted your ass to provide for the family, and I got mad that you had no extra time. So because you worked so hard to provide for me, I took my time to take care of myself. And I just happened to find the perfect partner in crime was one of your best friends."


Also, I want to point out a few things. 


> So you think I will always be a cheater? Well let me tell you that I've already learned my lesson. I already know that I was wrong and I know that it would never happen again. I've already promised myself that when we get back together, he will have my heart and I will never cheat on him again.


When you first got married, did you ever imagine you would be here? Trying to figure out how to save your marriage after having an 8 month long affair? 
We all promise to remain faithful. Those are just words. Words to a betrayed spouse, mean nothing. 
Actions are what shows us what you really think. 



> If my husband happened to stumble upon this site, then so be it. Since I've been here, the popular opinion has been that we should break up and move on. *Everyone is entitled to second chance and that includes me. Why would I ever direct him here if I wanted the best chance to mend things and get back together?* It's not doing more harm than good, it's protecting his feelings and letting him think on his own. *In the end, we made a commitment to each other and he needs to realize that the flame is not entirely gone yet. *


No one deserves a second chance. If we get one, that is great! And we better make sure that we never mess up that badly again. 
But we NEVER deserve a second chance. 

As for directing your husband here, that is because he is in shock right now. And he needs a place to talk. Sadly, I would agree that sending him here may not be the best idea, because you could see what he is thinking and feeling, and he probably does not want you to know any of that. 
And it would also be for his benefit, not yours. While you might benefit, because he could see some of the success stories of those that have dealt with infidelity and reconciled, he would also hear the ugly stories of how infidelity ripped a marriage to shreds. 

Finally, your last sentence is a form of irony. 
Yes. You made a commitment to each other. You promised to love and cherish each other. He is not the one that broke that commitment: You are. 
You seem to think that the commitment he agreed to means he should stay with you, through thick and thin. 
When I got married, thick and thin meant (to me) when I lost job and money was on short supply and me being unable to find work for 12 months. Or if my XW had gotten cancer, or was terminally, ill. That is thick and thin. 
It does not mean you stay with a cheating spouse that forsake their vows to you. 
That is grounds for termination of the marriage. 

As for your old flame, I think you also fail to realize, how little that flame is right now. 
Before the affair, your love for each other was probably a bonfire, burning brightly. 
Now, imagine it just suffered a hurricane. 
That is where the old flame is. Dying, surrounded by unsure ground, and nothing to feed it but wet sticks. 


When you go to meet your husband tomorrow, go with that in mind. 
You are the one that dumped a bucket of cold water on the flame of desire he had for you. You are the one that tore down the marital home you two built. 
It is your job to reignite his desire for you, and rebuild the marriage. He is not going to do it for you.


----------



## Rookie4

I predict that this meeting will end with the OP shifting the blame to her husband


----------



## See_Listen_Love

Ladylegs, I think you are clear thinking and reasonable, despite the troubled situation at home and the harshness of many posters.

You do the best you can, and I agree with your point of view.

I hope this will go OK, but maybe you have to realise that you can do your best, but you cannot make him do anything. He has to process things himself and make his own choices. 

You have to wait and see, just agree and offer him anything he wants to know.


----------



## Wazza

ReformedHubby said:


> You truly understand the mind of a wayward spouse. All are more self centered than loyal spouses, and some are just way to me focused to ever really get it. This is why I don't think LadyLegs has any chance to reconcile.
> 
> If a wayward spouse does not have the ability to show remorse on D-Day its pretty much a lost cause. This means that they have the ability to nuke their loving spouse's entire world and yet still somehow keep the focus entirely on themselves. Who would want to be with someone like that?


My wife, on D day, spent time explaining how her lust for this other man was totally understandable since I had never turned her on as she did, and explaining that I could seek counselling for my problems if I needed it, but she didn't need any...all the problems in the marriage were my fault.

It was only when I read about the fog on TAM, and saw other waywards with it, that I really understood that side of what she had said.

No remorse at that stage on her part, apart from remorse at getting caught. 

And we made it.


----------



## moto

ladylegs said:


> So you think I will always be a cheater? Well let me tell you that I've already learned my lesson. I already know that I was wrong and I know that it would never happen again. I've already promised myself that when we get back together, he will have my heart and I will never cheat on him again.
> 
> If my husband happened to stumble upon this site, then so be it. Since I've been here, the popular opinion has been that we should break up and move on. *Everyone is entitled to second chance and that includes me.* Why would I ever direct him here if I wanted the best chance to mend things and get back together? It's not doing more harm than good, it's protecting his feelings and letting him think on his own. In the end, we made a commitment to each other and he needs to realize that the flame is not entirely gone yet.


Let me cherry pick that RED line

You're not entitled to a second chance, you must earn it! 

You sound just like my very selfish WW, comments like that just make me mad and I'll bet your BS gets angry too! You can't start R without healing and a BS can't heal with that type of attitude from you! 

Your hubby should be on here, if you cared about him! For me I didn't know what to do, or even think clearly for almost 10 months and didn't know which way to go in our M. But after a lot of reading and help from many of this forum posters, I'm going to IC and taking a mancation for myself & figuring out what I truly want from my marriage. 

Give him space, and if he comes back (thats big if) bend over backwards to earn his trust again.


----------



## Wazza

ladylegs said:


> Also, I spoke with my husband tomorrow. We are going to meet tomorrow afternoon for lunch. I plan on pouring out my heart to him and telling everything including the good and the bad. I won't hold anything back and I will tell him the real reasons why I slept with Matt. I hope he accepts it as I promised myself that I won't sugar coat anything.


Consider writing it down and handing it to him in a letter. A few reasons.

First it lets you organise your thoughts and choose your words with care.

Second it prevents you chickening out half way through. You are human. It's hard to be truthful when someone is attacking you, even when you are remorseful. 

Third it gives him a chance to read it, think about it, and react.

Be aware, telling the truth won't necessarily save things. There is no guaranteed way, sadly. Just do what you can.

I will be thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed for you.


----------



## 827Aug

Please keep posting respectful and constructive. If you cannot do so, DON'T POST!


----------



## theroad

ladylegs said:


> He could have avoided it by catering to my needs more and showing me more attention. Even then, I still had no right to cheat! At first, I didn't understand why it happened but now I'm starting to understand that I cheated because I was missing something. I needed a void to be filled. It's still no excuse but that's how I feel.


Blaming your BH for you bending over for the OM.

This is one of the best quotes.

You will not recover your marriage till you own your affair with OM.

If you act this way with BH no wonder he wants his space.


----------



## theroad

ladylegs said:


> So I have a question. If I do end up reconciling with my husband, should I tell him why I'm unhappy and tell him about the things in our marriage that pushed me away? I understand that this may be too soon to tell him why I wasn't happy but would this ever be a good idea or should I just be totally submissive and cooperative in order to win him back?


You want to learn how to recover then get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.


----------



## workindad

OM filled your void alright. That is a problem. Lying and deceiving your husband is another problem. Focusing on you while your husband is suffering from your betrayal is yet another problem. 

Do you understand? 

I hope you did not infect your h with an std. Some take a while to show up. 

You may want to try to improve yourself and focus on how you can help your h heal. 

Complete and brutal honesty is a good place to start assuming that he is interested. 

WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## carmen ohio

Wazza said:


> I will be thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed for you.


I think we should be crossing our fingers for her poor BH.


----------



## Wazza

carmen ohio said:


> I think we should be crossing our fingers for her poor BH.


Crossing my fingers for both of them.


----------



## Rookie4

ladylegs said:


> So you think I will always be a cheater? Well let me tell you that I've already learned my lesson. I already know that I was wrong and I know that it would never happen again. I've already promised myself that when we get back together, he will have my heart and I will never cheat on him again.
> 
> If my husband happened to stumble upon this site, then so be it. Since I've been here, the popular opinion has been that we should break up and move on. Everyone is entitled to second chance and that includes me. Why would I ever direct him here if I wanted the best chance to mend things and get back together? It's not doing more harm than good, it's protecting his feelings and letting him think on his own. In the end, we made a commitment to each other and he needs to realize that the flame is not entirely gone yet.


Oh really? You've learn your lesson? You're still shifting the blame for the affair to your husband. You're still lying to him. You're still mooning over the OM. So exactly how have you learned anything? OP, you really need to get professional help sorting out your own issues before you try to convince your husband to R.


----------



## Wazza

ladylegs said:


> So you think I will always be a cheater? Well let me tell you that I've already learned my lesson. I already know that I was wrong and I know that it would never happen again. I've already promised myself that when we get back together, he will have my heart and I will never cheat on him again.
> 
> If my husband happened to stumble upon this site, then so be it. Since I've been here, the popular opinion has been that we should break up and move on. Everyone is entitled to second chance and that includes me. Why would I ever direct him here if I wanted the best chance to mend things and get back together? It's not doing more harm than good, it's protecting his feelings and letting him think on his own. In the end, we made a commitment to each other and he needs to realize that the flame is not entirely gone yet.


You've had a day to think about this post and seen some others comments. Is there anything you would change about it on reflection?


----------



## Rookie4

Wazza said:


> You've had a day to think about this post and seen some others comments. Is there anything you would change about it on reflection?


I bet she thinks it's very profound, as it is.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

theroad said:


> Quote:
> Originally Posted by *ladylegs*
> _He could have avoided it by catering to my needs more and showing me more attention. Even then, I still had no right to cheat! At first, I didn't understand why it happened but now I'm starting to understand that I cheated because I was missing something. I needed a void to be filled. It's still no excuse but that's how I feel._
> 
> 
> Blaming your BH for you bending over for the OM.
> 
> This is one of the best quotes.
> 
> You will not recover your marriage till you own your affair with OM.
> 
> If you act this way with BH no wonder he wants his space.



Your reaction is not correct, she owns the cheating as a fault of her.

But the problems in marriages can be a breeding place for EA's and PA's.

And there a lot of the time, read the threads here, husbands have long term records of neglecting what is necessary in a good relation.

So the mechanics of affairs are more programmed into the marriage by both partners than happening as an impuls or coincidence.

And the responsibility of that lies sometimes more with one partner, sometimes with both partners.

So it is very well possible that in a case the cause is with the husband. 

We do not know enough of this situation to condemn the reaction of the OP.


----------



## Aerith

ladylegs said:


> Well we both have invested a lot in this marriage. I know that deep down, as much as he thinks he hates me, I know he still loves me. We have kids and a home together. That should be worth something. I've been open and submissive about everything. I don't see how he can walk away from us without at least giving me another chance, at least for his kids sake.


Looks like the key reason for reconciliation is protecting your investments in the marriage ... very business like... I guess your husband understands that he lost his investment and more or less accepted it...

I have no advice of how to persuade him to give you a chance as I personally could never forgive double betrayal...


----------



## theroad

He could have avoided it by catering to my needs more and showing me more attention. .................... I cheated because I was missing something...............


Blaming your BH for you bending over for the OM.

This is one of the best quotes.

You will not recover your marriage till you own your affair with OM.

If you act this way with BH no wonder he wants his space.







See_Listen_Love said:


> Your reaction is not correct, she owns the cheating as a fault of her.
> 
> OP.



There you go she just placed the blame on her BH.

That is not owning her affair.

That is blame shifting.


----------



## edubs

ladylegs said:


> I never thought I would be on the sending end of something like this but here I am. I have been married for 11 years. My husband is an amazing man and we have one boy and one girl. Our marriage has had it's ups and downs just like any other marriage. Two years ago, I went through a deep depression. I got laid off and my mother passed away. At the time, my husband was working 14-18 hours a day just to keep food on the table. It took me about 6 months before I tried to get help and went to therapy.
> 
> I resented my husband a lot during this time. Part of the reason was because he was working too much and I was left to take care of the children while dealing with my emotional issues. Also, he made it seem like my depression was something I could just turn on and off like a light bulb. He said he cared for me but I never felt it during this time. He made me feel very alone.
> 
> To make matters worse, I suspected my husband of cheating with a woman from his job. He would text her at all times of the day and he stayed very close with his phone. I managed to check his phone one day but I couldn't find anything pointing to a sexual relationship. It was just mostly friendly stuff about work and family. I told my husband that I wanted to meet her but he wouldn't let me. He said that he should have friends just like I did. This made me feel worse and I kept having a hunch that he was sleeping with this woman.
> 
> After many months of therapy and Xenlafaxine, I started to feel better. I started to get out of the house more and talk to my old friends more. My husband stayed the same. HE was still an amazing husband and father. He worked his butt off but he still talked to that woman. When I looked back on the days during depression, I felt betrayed and I just felt that he cheated on me.
> 
> I started to lose weight and become more active. I felt alive again. Guys at the gym would hit on me and I would catch glares from guys at the store. This made my husband jealous but I didn't care. I knew that I hadn't done anything wrong and I know I was unhappy with his friendship with the woman at work.
> 
> My husband has an old friend named Matt. He recently moved from Michigan to where we live. He found a job down here that he wanted to take. My husband was very excited that he was moving down here since that was his old high school friend. We met Matt at the airport and took him to dinner. I have to admit that he was quite a charmer. I figured that anyone that hung out with my husband in high school must have been a dork. I'm not putting my husband down but he was really a nerd back in those days. Matt was actually the polar opposite of him.
> 
> Anyway, Matt was pretty hot when I met him. To make matters worse, he complimented me and told me I was beautiful. Matt began work and began to hang out with my husband on weekends since he didn't have many friends. We also become friends and I would talk to him when he came to the house. He would flirt a lot with me but I always shut him down.
> 
> There was one day when Matt come over for a few hours since they were cleaning the carpet at his apartment. The kids were with my mother and me and my husband were supposed to go out to dinner. Since Matt had no place to go, he was going to tag along. Before we could leave, my husband got called in to work. One of the other leads was sick so he had to fill in. Me and Matt were already up so we just chatted on the couch. We must have talked for around 2 hours. He kept complimenting me and making me feel good. In fact, it was years since a man made me feel as good as he did.
> 
> We got closer and closer that night and he eventually kissed me. I did not push him away although I with I would have. We ended up having sex there in our living room. It was like we were both caught up in the moment and didn't realize what was happening.
> 
> That moment didn't end until recently. I've been seeing Matt off and on for the past 8 months. I've had enough respect for my family that we never again had sex in our home. I would either go to his apartment or we would get a hotel. I justified my infidelity because I fooled myself into thinking that my husband was really cheating on me with that other woman.
> 
> A couple of weeks ago, my husband was out at a club with Matt. I don't know the exact details but somehow, my husband went though his phone and found text messages from me as well as nude pictures. My husband got in a fight with Matt and left him at the club. He came home and confronted me and I denied everything. The first thing that came to mind was to lie since I never set out to hurt him.
> 
> My husband left and called Matt. Matt told him every single detail about our relationship. He told him everything down to the day it started. At that point, I had no choice but to come clean about what I did.
> 
> Now it's too late. My husband has moved out and wants a divorce. I've been sitting here replaying this in my head and I really feel like ****. I've been falling back into my depression and I feel that I have no place to turn. He doesn't want to reconcile and doesn't want counseling. He just wants to divorce. My kids don't understand what's going on yet but soon they will find out.
> 
> What can I tell my husband to convince him to give our marriage another chance. I apologized for cheating and lying but he acts like he doesn't care. How could it be that he can just turn on a dime and walk out on us after 11 years of marriage. I've humbled myself and I would do absolutely anything to have him back. I realize now that I had a good thing at home and I should have never cheated. He has agreed to meet me on tuesday morning for lunch and we can talk then. What should I say to him? I know that if I can get him to understand that I'm truly sorry, I should have a chance to win him back.


I have not and will not read this entire thread. But I sincerely hope that your husband kicked your a$$ to the curb. You are disgusting.


----------



## VFW

Legs, you ask what can you do? There is no easy answer, but I recommend that you start with honesty. Tell him the truth to all the questions that he asks, but understand it may be tough for him to process it all at one time, so it may not just be a one time confession.

Also you keep making a common mistake of WS and that is deflecting the cause of the affair. The reason you had an affair is because you were selfish. No one made you do it, you did it to make you feel good, all other be darned. Did your husband continue a relationship with another woman that he should not have? Yes and he still has to answer for that and it has nothing to do with the affair and shouldn't get excused because your sin was greater. Did he ignore you and do other destructive things? Yes and you would have been justified in leaving the relationship in view of the things he did. However, none of that was the reason you had an affair, that is all on you. You should have told Matt that you did not appreciate the advances and if he did it again you would tell your husband. Why didn't you do this? You liked the attention and didn't want it to stop, that is all on you and until you understand the difference, then the relationship has a very slim chance of working.

It really doesn't matter whether anyone on this board thinks he should take you back, that is all on him. Many would give you another chance, while other is a one and done thing. I will tell you that I don't think that this marriage has to end, but it is a long row to hoe. Both of you have to stop and start by being honest with one another, more honest than you have ever been to anyone before. You also need to be an open book to one another, no more secret friends and relationships, expose all phone and media passwords to one another. If both of you are dedicated to making it work it can be done, but it won't be easy.


----------



## 6301

Lady.

I realize you have a mountain of problems to deal with and I wouldn't walk a mile in your shoes for all the tea in China but the one thing that sticks out like a sore thumb to me is this. Yes you had a affair. You kept it quiet for 8 months and kept it private between you and this Matt guy. In other words you were discreet, BUT!

You have gone beyond stupid by sending the OM nude pictures of yourself. This guy who is supposed to be your husbands best friend really isn't. He's a first class user. He had no problem screwing his best friends wife and still maintained his good buddy status with your husband which is as bogus as it comes and now he has in his possession naked pictures of you. He's no longer friends with your husband and you told him never to show up again, so what's a man whose selfish, inconsiderate, a user, and a back stabber do with those pictures? Huh? Think he'll delete them? Think he'll just look at them in private while he polishes his knob in bed? Or do you think he'll say screw it, I'm not friends with them any longer so GATHER AROUND GUYS AND HAVE A LOOK AT MY FORMER BEST FRIENDS WIFE IN ALL HER GLORY!! It would make great conversation in a bar, or what if a few of his friends would like a copy? What if one of those guys decides to submit them to an adult web site?.....................Mean while back at the ranch...........you have two children and a completely destroyed husband. My God either your the most gullible woman walking the face of the earth or this guy had a silver tongue and really knows how to spread the bull sh!t. What the hell were you thinking?


----------



## The Middleman

edubs said:


> I have not and will not read this entire thread. But I sincerely hope that your husband kicked your a$$ to the curb. You are disgusting.


Good to see you back edubs


----------



## harrybrown

Any update?


----------



## Ovid

ladylegs said:


> Everyone is entitled to second chance and that includes me.


No one is entitled to a second chance. Second chances are entirely up to the generosity of the person who grants them. There are many times in life that no second chances are given. In this case you can't take back what you did and your H may not be able to forgive it.



ladylegs said:


> In the end, we made a commitment to each other and he needs to realize that the flame is not entirely gone yet.


You did make a commitment to each other, then you broke that commitment. Once you did that you ended any requirement for him as well.


----------



## treyvion

theroad said:


> He could have avoided it by catering to my needs more and showing me more attention. .................... I cheated because I was missing something...............
> 
> 
> Blaming your BH for you bending over for the OM.
> 
> This is one of the best quotes.
> 
> You will not recover your marriage till you own your affair with OM.
> 
> If you act this way with BH no wonder he wants his space.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> There you go she just placed the blame on her BH.
> 
> That is not owning her affair.
> 
> That is blame shifting.


People find a way for it to make sense.


----------



## CH

Wow, selfish down to the last round, still about her.

You want to prove you love him and that you're sorry.

RESPECT WHATEVER DECISION HE MAKES!


----------



## Madman1

ladylegs said:


> I've already promised myself that when we get back together, he will have my heart and I will never cheat on him again.
> 
> *(The last time you made that promise you were probably standing in front of a preacher, wearing white and exchanging rings.)*
> 
> *Everyone is entitled* to second chance and *that includes me*
> 
> *(Pretty much sums it up. That is the problem right there, but you dont get it, you think it’s a good thing.)*


You first concern should be helping him recover and heal not trying to figure out how to keep your lifestyle and family intact
You picked a better looking hot best friend to cheat on him with, it was a double betrayal on your part and a lifetime betrayal on his friends part.

You realize that his friend was grooming you right from the start to bed you right?

He knew exactly what he was doing.
He only had to wait till the right moment, and you completely and willingly enabled it because you wanted it too. You did it in small steps so you did not feel guilty. Its very clear in your story.
We all know the courting behaviors.

How does the saying go “You had me from “Hello””

You have a hard time understanding how he can walk away.
From 11 years of what…
11 years of trust, now gone
11 years of an exclusive lover, now gone
11 years of planning your future together, now gone (his future may include you having more affairs or even you running off with another man.)
11 years of memories that meant so little to you that you would cut him deeper than any man can handle. It brings us to our knees at first, till we detach from you.

If he walks away he is walking away from his pain and no one can blame him. If he stays no one should criticize him either.

Its likely that he was already emotionally disconnected from you, having a long term depressed spouse is very difficult. Everyone needs to see the good side once in a while. probably his needs were not being met as well. 

You resent him for not catering to your needs, yet when you felt better you did not think that you should do the same for him. Instead you fked his lifelong friend.

I would guess that he looked though that phone because he was already suspecting something. He lived through that trama.

Do you want to know what he is thinking? What he would have to go through if he reconciled

He is wondering if he ever kissed you after you had your mouth around om dikk.

Did he ever go down on you after om came inside of you.

How big is om, how much more exciting was the sex.

Did you ever come home and chat with him as om was dripping out of you.

Dont tell him "you are so much better than om" he will think you are lying. You bought this now own it!

He will wonder..

How much time did you take away from the kids, were they ever in jeopardy.

How much risk did you take with their mommy.

How much of his hard earned money did you spend on om in order to fck him.

If he reconciles he knows he will likely never get fully over it.

He will suffer mind movies in the forseable future, aweful destructive thoughts, and he will not be able to stop it.

He will probably have to be medicated, at least for a while, nice huh?

Every time you get a text or are late coming home he will wonder.

When he is making love to you he will see the om on top of you.

He will wonder if you are faking orgasm.

Did you make those same noises for om, say the same words, do things with him that you would not do with your husband.

He may have trouble getting an erection.

He will lose weight and have trouble sleeping.

How will people look at him for taking you back.

Don’t you dare say he is walking away from the kids, you burned down this marriage, he will probably do right by them.

I would never tell someone to reconcile for the kids, its their choice though. Butits a new marriage, the old one is gone.

What do you bring to the table, porn star looks?
A wet vagina and I’m sooo sorry?

My own opinion is that most men reconcile because they cannot stand the thought of another man having their wife, probably he cannot imagine ever being with you again, but he can imagine you with the other man.

His love for you, what is left of it, will die little by little, thought by thought, if you want to win him you have to bring something of value into the relationship. (The wayward wifes who do it seem to show a desirable character, genuine remorse and a personality that attracts their husband and helps them remember why the fell in love with in the first place)

If when he is ready, he simply moves on to another woman who appreciates him he will have a much smaller amount of these things. 

What would you do?


----------



## lordmayhem

ladylegs said:


> Also, I spoke with my husband tomorrow. We are going to meet tomorrow afternoon for lunch. I plan on pouring out my heart to him and telling everything including the good and the bad. I won't hold anything back and I will tell him the real reasons why I slept with Matt. I hope he accepts it as I promised myself that I won't sugar coat anything.


Well, July 18 came and went almost 2 weeks ago. Perhaps it didn't go so well.


----------



## Madman1

Ya know what I dont get?

I know you never thought you would get caught, but you knew it was a possibility and thought it was worth it. Now I also know no one wants to be labeled as a cheater nor see their children’s home broken up.

I’m sure you wish you could keep both men, one to work and care for the children and the other to make passionate love with. 

Your husband will probably not go alone with that and you chances of fooling him into thinking you will never do it again are slim.

That being the case you have said “He needs to know how much we need him”.

Well when the husbands hot best friend fked you he also fked your husband and your children. Your whole marriage and family.

Its very validating and heady for a man when a woman sacrifices everything for sex with him.

He is the sex god incarnate and Apollo and you have offered everything on his phallic alter.

So I wonder do women always choose security over sex and passion?

Why not stop bugging your soon to be ex-husband and get a job, have Apollo get a job and move in with him?

He needs someone to wash the skid marks out of his underwear, and get him a cold beer.

He will only be bothered with your kids half the time cause they will probably be with your ex and his new squeeze the rest.

Will he be faithful to you, hummm unlikely, but he is sooo hansome. You could have an open marriage.

So that is my question, you knew you were risking everything the moment you let him nail you on your couch, so now you are paying the price so why not collect the winnings?

Why not move in with om?


----------



## crossbar

Well, it almost been two weeks since the OP last posted. I can only assume that meeting her BH didn't go so well. He may have told her that it was over and even served her papers right there.

The reason I believe this is because if he decided to try and work things out with her, she would have been back on here asking what she needed to do not to screw up this opportunity within hours after the meeting.

I think this is a zombie thread now.


----------



## LostViking

Why is everyone keeping this thread going when it is obvious she is not coming back?

You bunch of meanies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67

LostViking said:


> Why is everyone keeping this thread going when it is obvious she is not coming back?
> 
> You bunch of meanies.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Stop you brut!or I'll say stop again.


----------



## CEL

You are the Brut Squad.....


----------



## Madman1

She is logging in so I think she is still reading it.

I'm way to co-dependent to be a meanie, right?

Or maybe it passive agressive but what the hell is it to you!


----------



## LostViking

Madman1 said:


> She is logging in so I think she is still reading it.
> 
> I'm way to co-dependent to be a meanie, right?
> 
> Or maybe it passive agressive but what the hell is it to you!


You're mean!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Madman1

I'm working on that.
:tool:

and I'm going to fix it, but it will not be today.


----------



## LostViking

Moderators!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Madman1

LostViking said:


> Moderators!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok I'm sorry, nice horns btw, I heard you like swords?


----------



## nogutsnoglory

ladylegs said:


> So you think I will always be a cheater? Well let me tell you that I've already learned my lesson. I already know that I was wrong and I know that it would never happen again. I've already promised myself that when we get back together, he will have my heart and I will never cheat on him again.
> 
> If my husband happened to stumble upon this site, then so be it. Since I've been here, the popular opinion has been that we should break up and move on. Everyone is entitled to second chance and that includes me. Why would I ever direct him here if I wanted the best chance to mend things and get back together? It's not doing more harm than good, it's protecting his feelings and letting him think on his own. In the end, we made a commitment to each other and he needs to realize that the flame is not entirely gone yet.


You are not entitled to anything. You certainly are not entitled to a second chance.


----------



## Jonesey

LostViking said:


> Moderators!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wimp


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

You do not deserve a second chance with your husband. 

My ex h never got a second chance from me. He certainly did not deserve it. Neither would my current husband even though we have a great marriage and we've been together a long time. Cheating is a deal breaker for me, even one time I'm out the door and at the lawyers office the next day. I will not put up with it at all.


----------



## billybobb

he has all ready left probably checked out better with out waiting . this day may never come and its not wort full too lean one hope .


----------



## Madman1

I realize the op may not be back but I still want to put this out there because I have heard it before. This will be my last post here.



ladylegs said:


> *Everyone is entitled to second chance and that includes me*


A second chance? To do the right thing?

You had your second chance after Matt nailed you on the couch in your family home, this was your second chance, you would have had go to your husband and say,

* "I have made the worst decision of my life, I cant expect that you will forgive me but I hope you will some day, whatever you decide I have to tell you because you deserve to know"*

That was your second chance to do the right thing, instead you made plans to meet Matt again, and when you started munching on his sausage the next time, that was your third chance to do the right thing, but instead you made plans to meet him at a hotel to have sex. A fourth chance to do the right thing.

This went on for 8 months!

Every sexual encounter, every I love you, every text, or phone call, every time you were sitting around in your house thinking about him instead of really being with your family was another chance.

In 8 months you must have easily broken a hundred chances.

And when he confronted you, that may have been your last chance, but you lied, and lied, and lied.

I hope any WS that reads this will see the error of this kind of thinking.

The disrespect, the laughing at what a chump your dorky husband was, telling Matt how good he was, how your husband cant make you feel this way, those words have gone out into the universe, and your husband did not hear them when you said them, when you laughed and moaned, but none the less they are echoing in his ears and thoughts.

If you were not caught you might be moaning under Matt at this very moment.

The sad part is that you know your own pain and loss and are obsessed with it, but you will never know his pain and it looks for all the world like you cant get out of your own way.

Get some counseling! Maybe if you work on yourself, in time things could change.

I re-read this thread and I truly feel sorry for you and your children. 

You do deserve a second chance as a person, to learn from this and grow, and be a good mom, I would never deny that, if your husband gives you another chance it will not be a second chance, because your second chance with your marriage is long gone.

I'm sorry.


----------



## tforty1851

PBear said:


> Ok, I'm saying this as someone who cheated on his spouse.
> 
> He owes you nothing, as far as a second chance goes. When you made the decision to cheat (and cheat repeatedly, over an 8 month period), you broke your wedding vows, and any rights that went along with them. You could ASK him for forgiveness and a second chance, but anything he chooses to offer is up to him.
> 
> If you want to show him that you've changed, then start owning your mess. Find a counsellor, start working on the reasons why you cheated. Continue to read in the infidelity forum for things that you can proactively start doing, including confessing to your family and his. If he sees that you're truly remorseful, he may see that you're worth a second chance. But you really mucked it up with denying everything and only confessing after your partner did. His friend showed more loyalty to him than you did.
> 
> Sorry to be harsh on you, but you're still floating along with a sense of entitlement and "it just happened". Every time you met your lover, or called him, or texted him a nude picture, you were making a conscious decision to betray your husband. The fact that it was with his best friend was the second betrayal. And the lie was the third. And still you feel entitled to a "second chance"...
> 
> C


Just wanted to say I know what u are going through. ..

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


----------



## tforty1851

Meant to quote original message.

_Posted via *Topify* using Android_


----------



## happyman64

LadyLegs

I know you have been on TAM lately lurking.

Post an update and let us know how you are and how your meeting went with your husband.

Tell us your thoughts and where you are now.

HM64


----------



## Jung_admirer

ladylegs said:


> Ok fair enough that he doesn't trust me. What other option do I have to get him to trust me without communicating with him in some way. I feel that he just keeps thinking about what happened, things will only get worse and he will never trust me again. Can't I salvage what little love he may still have for me even though he pretends that he doesn't?


I am in the same unfortunate boat as your BS. Believe me, he cannot imagine how he ended up on the cuckold cruise. He is evaluating your actions (past & present), your current disposition, your history together. He is tearing himself apart trying to determine how he missed all the signs. He is most certainly blaming himself. He is ashamed, humiliated, devastated and without hope. 

And you are asking to communicate with him? He is already considering everything you would ask him to consider. He cannot believe a word you say, although he would love to be able to trust your words again. Right now, you need to show your husband you have empathy for him. Eventually, he will be able (2 months for me) to tell you what he needs. Want to have a chance? Follow these priorities: 

1) Your husband's needs
2) Your husband's needs
3) Your husband's needs
4) Your children's needs
....
n) Your needs


----------



## happyman64

Jung_admirer said:


> I am in the same unfortunate boat as your BS. Believe me, he cannot imagine how he ended up on the cuckold cruise. He is evaluating your actions (past & present), your current disposition, your history together. He is tearing himself apart trying to determine how he missed all the signs. He is most certainly blaming himself. He is ashamed, humiliated, devastated and without hope.
> 
> And you are asking to communicate with him? He is already considering everything you would ask him to consider. He cannot believe a word you say, although he would love to be able to trust your words again. Right now, you need to show your husband you have empathy for him. Eventually, he will be able (2 months for me) to tell you what he needs. Want to have a chance? Follow these priorities:
> 
> 1) Your husband's needs
> 2) Your husband's needs
> 3) Your husband's needs
> 4) Your children's needs
> ....
> n) Your needs


You are right Jung.

But it is going to take LadyLegs husband even longer to trust her because not only did she lie and cheat but she did it with his best friend.

He has been screwed over twice as hard and for 8 months long.

LadyLegs needs to take the words "me", "mine" and "myself" out of her vocabulary and be completely honest with him and more importantly herself.

HM64


----------



## chillymorn

why is everyone entitled to second chances?

I've heard this through out my life and can never understand it.

second chances are given because the giver wants too. many times that person dosn't want to and is under no obligation too.

JMHO

so if you ever get a secound chance beter make the best of it.


----------



## Jung_admirer

happyman64 said:


> You are right Jung.
> 
> But it is going to take LadyLegs husband even longer to trust her because not only did she lie and cheat but she did it with his best friend.
> 
> He has been screwed over twice as hard and for 8 months long.
> 
> LadyLegs needs to take the words "me", "mine" and "myself" out of her vocabulary and be completely honest with him and more importantly herself.
> 
> HM64


Trust her, in 2 months? I was saying I needed 2 months to begin to communicate. Trust will take YEARS to rebuild.


----------



## Augusto

ladylegs said:


> I apologized for cheating and lying but he acts like he doesn't care. How could it be that he can just turn on a dime and walk out on us after 11 years of marriage. I've humbled myself and I would do absolutely anything to have him back. I realize now that I had a good thing at home and I should have never cheated. He has agreed to meet me on tuesday morning for lunch and we can talk then. What should I say to him? I know that if I can get him to understand that I'm truly sorry, I should have a chance to win him back.


I am having a hard time with you being upset about him not caring when it was you that chose to leave the marriage. You left it when you.kissed, lied, and cheated. All three times and you struck out.


----------



## Shaggy

Any update? Has he filed ?


----------



## Dyokemm

OP has not returned in quite awhile.

I think her BH kicked her to the curb and she sees little or no point to coming back here to hear posters tell her that he made the right choice and she deserves it all.

That may be true, but I don't blame her for wanting to avoid the pain.

I just hope she does some introspection and learns from these stupid choices she made.


----------



## TimesOfChange

At the moment i saw her nickname (ladylegs), i for one have been having my doubts about her remorse.


----------



## Dyokemm

She obviously does not have a proper sense of remorse from what she said in her posts.

No one who was truly sorry would be offended that their BS didn't want to give them a second chance.

Maybe being dumped has finally opened her eyes to the reality of how seriously she screwed up her family's life.


----------



## nuclearnightmare

Wazza said:


> My wife, on D day, spent time explaining how her lust for this other man was totally understandable since I had never turned her on as she did, and explaining that I could seek counselling for my problems if I needed it, but she didn't need any...all the problems in the marriage were my fault.
> 
> It was only when I read about the fog on TAM, and saw other waywards with it, that I really understood that side of what she had said.
> 
> No remorse at that stage on her part, apart from remorse at getting caught.
> 
> And we made it.


At the risk of posting in a thread not quite new enough, I wanted to ask you about this post. I'm a fan of yours......as a poster with unique experience, level-headed analysis that is compelling that I mostly agree with.
you have said your wife is a very decent person. A decent person may cheat under specific circumstances- I agree. But....how could a decent person make such humiliating, abusive comments to their betrayed spouse? Am talking about the sexual comments above.
Sounds like she had no regard for your dignity or feelings whatsoever.

Your point would be "the fog" made her say such degrading things??


----------



## 3putt

nuclearnightmare said:


> At the risk of posting in a thread not quite new enough, I wanted to ask you about this post. I'm a fan of yours......as a poster with unique experience, level-headed analysis that is compelling that I mostly agree with.
> you have said your wife is a very decent person. A decent person may cheat under specific circumstances- I agree. But....how could a decent person make such humiliating, abusive comments to their betrayed spouse? Am talking about the sexual comments above.
> Sounds like she had no regard for your dignity or feelings whatsoever.
> 
> *Your point would be "the fog" made her say such degrading things??*


Yep, it's called history rewriting and blameshifting. Women have a much harder time justifying their adulterous actions, so the only way to rationalize their behavior is to lay the blame at the feet of their BH for their behavior in the past. It may or may not be true (and most times at least part of it is), but that's no excuse for what she has done.

This is nothing new. Happens all the time...part of the all too predictable script.

And no, WWs (and WHs as well) have no respect for the BS's pain and agony. Nothing matters less to a WS than the pain they are heaping on the one that loves them the most.

When they are in the vice grip of the addictive highs of a new _lurve_, it's all about them, and they will pull no punches to prove, justify, and rationalize it.

It sucks, but it is what it is.


----------



## illwill

Believing in the fog is a great way to excuse awful behavior. It is also a great way to have a false reconciliation. You better believe eveything the cheater says and does, and then decide if you can truly forgive.


----------



## The Middleman

illwill said:


> Believing in the fog is a great way to excuse awful behavior. It is also a great way to have a false reconciliation. You better believe eveything the cheater says and does, and then decide if you can truly forgive.


No such thing as the fog. What it really is : I want what I want!


----------



## illwill

Exactly.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

L.L. last logged in 3 days ago.

I'm pretty sure her BS has, or is in the process of, divorcing her. And who could blame him.

If she weren't so self centered and entitled she might have had a chance at R'ing with him.

He's probably better of without her though. I mean, by here own admission, she started cheating when she felt he wasn't paying her enough attention. Who wants a wife like that...


----------



## Wazza

As you say Nuclear, the fog is it.



illwill said:


> Believing in the fog is a great way to excuse awful behavior. It is also a great way to have a false reconciliation. You better believe eveything the cheater says and does, and then decide if you can truly forgive.


Excusing awful behaviour? I didn't. And after 23 years you would have to justify calling my reconciliation false.

That said, I don't care whether you believe in the notion of fog or not. It happens to be a convenient shorthand for a list of symptoms I saw in my wife at the time, and others saw of theirs. And quite visibly distinct, in my case, from the normal behaviour in following years where there was no fog, just a mediocre marriage.

There are several posts on TAM where you can read how horrible my wife was during the affair. There are none where I list all the amazing and wonderful things she has done for me and others in the decades since. You will just have to accept that is how I judge things.


----------



## illwill

Call it what you want i'm not buying it, but if it allowed you to reconcile good for you. Not that you should care what i think. And we have that in common.


----------



## Wazza

Illwill, my second paragraph was clumsily worded and I apologise.

What I was trying to say is...I am not aware of a scientifically proven entity called the fog. But I have observed the set of symptoms that get called the fog in my own marriage and other stories on TAM. I find it a useful way of describing a set of behaviours.

And when she said it, my wife's comment about the other guy turning her on more than me was clearly real. To that extent there is validity to your challenge I guess.

But of course attraction is a lot more complex than that. Key point, I have seen people who care about doing right but sometimes fail. My wife is one of these. As I have seen people who think it is ok to do wrong, just don't get caught. I think reconciliation is a possibility with the first type, but not with the second.


----------



## PamJ

<<What can I tell my husband to convince him to give our marriage another chance. I apologized for cheating and lying but he acts like he doesn't care. How could it be that he can just turn on a dime and walk out on us after 11 years of marriage. I've humbled myself and I would do absolutely anything to have him back. >>

You apologized, wow, it's going to take a lot more than that. You don't see how he could walk out? Read the hundreds of threads here from men whose wives had physical affairs. It is a deal breaker for most. 
The only thing you can do now is calmly tell him you will do anything to stay together. Do not, under any circumstances try to give him any reasons, causes, excuses for what you did. He will not want to hear it and it will make it worse. He needs time to process, you already had 8 months, give him time.

<<Fair enough although I do feel as if I deserve another chance. I just feel that we both invested too much just to just walk away from it all. If he gave me another chance and we couldn't get it to work, then I could accept that.>.

You H will not believe you deserve anything, so I would not tell him this. You do not get to say what should or shouldn't happen now. BWs will stay for the family and home, most men will not. They are more independent of these things and as I said, sex with the OM is a deal breaker in most cases. Too bad you continued to lie, only stopped after you got caught, still lied, and only confessed when you had to. So many chances before this to stop what is not happening.

There are reasons for a bad relationship , there are no good reasons to decide to cheat.


----------



## illwill

Wazza, your points are well made. And it's great that you two made it. It's a great example and credit to this forum.


----------



## PamJ

I don't know why I didn't look to see how old this thread was, but these truths stand the test of time. it baffled me that she was so shocked that he was not willing to simply forgive an 8 month physical affair, after all, she apologized!


----------



## MattMatt

The Middleman said:


> No such thing as the fog. What it really is : I want what I want!


I would not believe in the "fog" but I have been there.

It is weird. Almost as if there are two people in your head. You, the faithful spouse and another you, the cheater. Running in parallel tracks. Woolly, foggy thinking. 

Until something happens to blast the fog away. And you realise that you have become a Cheating POS. 

Although it was, I suppose, a revenge affair, I did not blame my wife for what happened. I took full responsibility for my wrongdoing.


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## Wazza

MattMatt said:


> I would not believe in the "fog" but I have been there.
> 
> It is weird. Almost as if there are two people in your head. You, the faithful spouse and another you, the cheater. Running in parallel tracks. Woolly, foggy thinking.
> 
> Until something happens to blast the fog away. And you realise that you have become a Cheating POS.
> 
> Although it was, I suppose, a revenge affair, I did not blame my wife for what happened. I took full responsibility for my wrongdoing.


Aren't you really describing human nature whenever you are torn about a decision or tempted? Or is there something extra because there is a sexual dimension to the temptation.


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## MattMatt

Wazza said:


> Aren't you really describing human nature whenever you are torn about a decision or tempted? Or is there something extra because there is a sexual dimension to the temptation.


What was more compelling was the emotional component.

Someone who liked the same stuff I did and who I could interrelate to without the ghost of my wife's former lover looking over my shoulder. Then came the sex which blew the fog away in an instant
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missthelove2013

unless you plan on downplaying it to hubby, or unless your op was a huge exaggeration, I cant see any self respecting man giving you another shot...

I am very open minded, and have been in "open" relationships before...I am NOT jealous when it comes to sex...but what you did wasnt a momentary lapse...you had a relationship outside your marriage...

you really want to stay together, delete this thread lest he find it one day, and lie to him...otherwise, unless he is really really desperate, he is gone imo...

people mess up it happens, I hope you can move on and be happy, I truly do...


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## nuclearnightmare

MattMatt said:


> I would not believe in the "fog" but I have been there.
> 
> It is weird. Almost as if there are two people in your head. You, the faithful spouse and another you, the cheater. Running in parallel tracks. Woolly, foggy thinking.
> 
> Until something happens to blast the fog away. And you realise that you have become a Cheating POS.
> 
> Although it was, I suppose, a revenge affair, I did not blame my wife for what happened. I took full responsibility for my wrongdoing.


In my question to Wazza I did not really mean for him to reevaluate his wife's character or for us all to consider her case in depth. 

it was more a contribution to the "can/would a good person cheat" question. Can a (basically) good, even very good person commit physical/emotional infidelity? I can't deny what I think is universally an all too "human" vulnerability. So yes a good person can cheat, though good character makes this less probable, overall.

I assume this is where the idea of a "fog" starts to enter in. But I DO think there is a limit to how cruel and abusive a "good" person can be, and that applies regardless of whether they are cheating or not. its appropriate to judge a person's character, in large part, by how they treat their spouse and family. gets back to personal judgement of course, but my good vs. evil line does not allow for very much _intentional _cruelty or emotional abuse of an innocent spouse.


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## Wazza

nuclearnightmare said:


> In my question to Wazza I did not really mean for him to reevaluate his wife's character or for us all to consider her case in depth.
> 
> it was more a contribution to the "can/would a good person cheat" question. Can a (basically) good, even very good person commit physical/emotional infidelity? I can't deny what I think is universally an all too "human" vulnerability. So yes a good person can cheat, though good character makes this less probable, overall.
> 
> I assume this is where the idea of a "fog" starts to enter in. But I DO think there is a limit to how cruel and abusive a "good" person can be, and that applies regardless of whether they are cheating or not. its appropriate to judge a person's character, in large part, by how they treat their spouse and family. gets back to personal judgement of course, but my good vs. evil line does not allow for very much _intentional _cruelty or emotional abuse of an innocent spouse.


Not reevaluating her behaviour. Just seeking to be accurate in how I explain it. 

There is no question that during the affair she did things that are totally out of character. I don't believe she realised the extent of things at the time and I am damn certain she is remorseful for what she did now.


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## doubletrouble

Wazza said:


> .. I am damn certain she is remorseful for what she did now.


I hope all who are trying to R can say this at some point. 
signed: Forever Suspicious.


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## Wazza

doubletrouble said:


> I hope all who are trying to R can say this at some point.
> signed: Forever Suspicious.


The two are not incompatible. There will always (I think) be some suspicion. Sure she is remorseful now, but she still did what she did.

If I changed partners I would doubt the new one too. We all have a past, we are all fallible.

So it's a case if living alone or managing the risk.


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## manticore

I can not help to wonder, what has happened with you?, you keep visiting TAM but you never post, did your husband gave you a second chance?


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## Q tip

As said many times here, you deserve nothing. A chance to R is a gift from your H. Revocable at any time for any reason. Even after fully back together, he'll never trust you like he did. 

You killed what was your marriage. What you want is a return to the good old days of innocence. Understand you destroyed this. It will never return.

Matt is guilty of his acts too. But, Matt did not make or break any vows with your H, you did. You own this and you alone. Matt is not to blame for your decisions and actions. Only you. Did he friend you and say all the right things? Sure, but you acted on it instead of establishing bullet-proof boundaries your H would have been proud of.

It's boundaries that keep the evils of the world away from your marriage. For whatever the reason, you decided to bring a toxic poison Into your family. Your H response is to reject toxins. 

Your H might gift you an R, but also may not.

If he offers R, you must cherish that gift like none other in your life. You will forever have a stain on yourself in the image of an "A". In R or D. It will never go away.

Earn his trust in the new marriage and relationship if he Rs. This is his decision alone.

You must have NC forever with Dear Matt. You must look at your actions through your H eyes, not yours. Never be in a situation even remotely like what you've done.


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## Q tip

ladylegs said:


> Well we both have invested a lot in this marriage. I know that deep down, as much as he thinks he hates me, I know he still loves me. We have kids and a home together. That should be worth something. I've been open and submissive about everything. I don't see how he can walk away from us without at least giving me another chance, at least for his kids sake.


Once you see how he can walk away, the sooner you'll understand what you've done to him and your marriage.


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## Plan 9 from OS

This thread. This is the one where the OP AND her husband took a dump on their marriage. No one wanted to touch the fact that the "BH" (in reality, a WH) got too close to a female coworker, had his phone glued to his hand/side nonstop and he then played the jealous/insecure/controlling card on WW who was suffering thru depression prior to her affair with his friend. 

IMHO, I hope they reconciled because I think they deserve each other. The sad thing is the BH probably has no clue what an EA is, so he thought he wasn't doing anything wrong.


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## Lostinthought61

There is nothing lower in this world then spouses that cheat of their spouse with their best friend/sibling, talk about the breakdown in trust. there is no R with that...i am frankly glad your husband walked out. Move on he will be.


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## MattMatt




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## Ripper

This thread is a great example of wayward mentality "unfiltered".

If this is OP while she is remorseful and submissive, everyday life with her would be about as fun as hooking your scrotum to a car battery.


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## Forest

ladylegs said:


> Yes it's very hard. What I meant about that comment was that I didn't realize what effect this would have on my marriage. I was just caught up in the emotions and feeling good and wanted at the time. I've always had self esteem issues but that's still no excuse for what happened.



The cheater's selfish high. "Give me attention and compliments, and I'll do whatever you want."

Why do people like this get married?


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## Headspin

Remarkable thread this, remember it.

Wayward who knows she's done wrong but could never get past the feeling that somewhere it wasn't all THAT bad. You could sense she wanted to correct herself but still could not quite understand what all the fuss was about 

When the "don't be too hard on the waywards" posse turn up this is the kind of thread I'd love as a sticky - no-one really gave her any real sh!t but you can see that giving her a real hard time was the only way of ever pulling her into reality. 

If she does lurk it would be nice to be wrong about her and hear a good progress to it all 

....somehow though I doubt it


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## GusPolinski

Plan 9 from OS said:


> This is the one where the OP AND her husband took a dump on their marriage. No one wanted to touch the fact that the "BH" (in reality, a WH) got too close to a female coworker, had his phone glued to his hand/side nonstop and he then played the jealous/insecure/controlling card on WW who was suffering thru depression prior to her affair with his friend.


Haven't read through the entire thread yet... did OP ever find out whether or not her husband was actually cheating on her?



Headspin said:


> If she does lurk it would be nice to be wrong about her and hear a good progress to it all
> 
> ....somehow though I doubt it


manticore called it... the last activity registered to OP's account appears to have occurred on 7/4/14.


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## ire8179

Please, they were both WS
He had EA (no PA that we know of) and she had PA. 

His wife was depressed and instead of paying attention to her he found a new interesting trouble-free coworker to "innocently" chat with. Texting all the time and kept his phone close to him, if that's not a strong sign of EA then i don't know what else

She had PA because someone else paid attention to her (still not an excuse). Now that he had legal excuse to bolt he used it well 

I'm not excusing her behavior but i know what it's like to be in her shoes. When stbxh started to text OW i was practically a ghost in the house. Well not a ghost, but a maid and babysitter. I cleaned the house,took care of the kids,washed his clothes,cooked the meal and that's it. He didn't even give me a peck at the cheek or notice my hair color change (wasn't a subtle one, blonde to red). Thank you or compliment ? Haha, none of that. I was sinking into depression while he sunk to OW's vagina

Before i found out that he had PA i met a friend and he was there for me.Stbxh noticed and didn't care one bit ! We talked a lot but one evening when we were in a car and he put his hand on my thigh i knew i had to stop talking to him. Thank God my brain was still working. I guess i'm just not "caught up in the moment" kind of person, that's just weak


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## Headspin

ire8179 said:


> Please, they were both WS
> He had EA (no PA that we know of) and she had PA.
> 
> His wife was depressed and instead of paying attention to her he found a new interesting trouble-free coworker to "innocently" chat with. Texting all the time and kept his phone close to him, if that's not a strong sign of EA then i don't know what else
> 
> She had PA because someone else paid attention to her (still not an excuse). Now that he had legal excuse to bolt he used it well
> 
> I'm not excusing her behavior but i know what it's like to be in her shoes.


So does that then kind of er......... "excuse your behavior" ?




ire8179 said:


> When stbxh started to text OW i was practically a ghost in the house. Well not a ghost, but a maid and babysitter. I cleaned the house,took care of the kids,washed his clothes,cooked the meal and that's it. He didn't even give me a peck at the cheek or notice my hair color change (wasn't a subtle one, blonde to red). Thank you or compliment ? Haha, none of that. I was sinking into depression while he sunk to OW's vagina
> 
> Before i found out that he had PA i met a friend and he was there for me.Stbxh noticed and didn't care one bit ! We talked a lot but one evening when we were in a car and he put his hand on my thigh i knew i had to stop talking to him. Thank God my brain was still working. I guess i'm just not "caught up in the moment" kind of person, that's just weak


Looks like that this is going down the "unmet needs" route that seems to be a buzzword on TAM at the moment :scratchhead:


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## ire8179

Headspin said:


> So does that then kind of er......... "excuse your behavior" ?
> 
> 
> Looks like that this is going down the "unmet needs" route that seems to be a buzzword on TAM at the moment :scratchhead:


No, definitely not an excuse. What she did was wrong, it was her choice 100%. I just wanted to describe her situation pre-PA with more clarity. 

It depends on each person, to me if there's unmet need then the spouse have two choices, speak up or shut up. I did speak up but he didn't care and called me needy, told me that he was too busy with his VP gig when instead he had all the time for OW. After that car thing i apologized for talking to him too much and told stbxh but again he didn't care, he was texting and didn't even meet my eyes. He was in the beginning of PA at the time, the hopium was too strong


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

Seeing that the OP couldn't stand the TAM heat, I think I can fill in the blanks.

She tried and tried to get him to give her a 2nd chance. After all, "she deserved it". He still wasn't ready to commit to a R after a month, so she turns up the heat. She starts filling him in on the the "reasons" why she cheated. Our marriage was missing this. You weren't doing, or saying that, anymore. And so on.

He does what any self respecting BS would do after their WS tries to blame them for their cheating, he follows through with the D.

She gets nasty during the D proceedings. He gets nasty back. He holds off on dating for a while, but then meets future wife 2.0. They end up setting a date to be married.

His ex-wife hears about it and panics. While he's been rebuilding his life, she's just sat on her ars and told anyone that would listen, about how he drove her to cheat on him. He left me home with his hunky best friend for gosh sakes! What was I suppose to do... Not have sex with him. Come on, be real!

She then goes into panic mode. She has to find a nice guy who will make things right again. She then meets Steve. He's great! they hit it off right out of the gate. A few months later he moves in with her.

They do everything together. Water ski, pottery class and miniature golf.

They were at an outing for Steve's work last Saturday at a miniture golf place. Steve's ex-wife called him and said that their Daughter was on her way to the hospital. Nothing life threatening, but she fell while horseback riding and asked her Mom if Dad would come to the hospital because she was scared.

Steve tells Ladylegs I'm sorry honey, but I have to go to the hospital for my Daughter. It may be kind of awkward for you and I know that you love minigolf, so I'll see you at home tonight. Probably around midnight.

My coworker and good friend Luke said that he would drive you home after the function here is over. Is that o.k..

Ladylegs says that fine honey. You need to be with your Daughter right now. Go ahead, I'll be o.k..

As Lukes driving her home later on, she's smirking to herself, as she goes through the rolodex in her mind. Looking for anything and everything that just might be a "reason"...


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## Dyokemm

GounderPounder,

:rofl: 

The truly sad part is that something very similar to this is probably exactly what did go down.

Ahhh,,,,human nature,,,,one of the true constants of the universe.


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## Plan 9 from OS

GusPolinski said:


> Haven't read through the entire thread yet... did OP ever find out whether or not her husband was actually cheating on her?


No, and we'll probably never will know. Earlier in the thread, it was brought up and a few posts were made about it. But then it evaporated into thin air and nobody wanted to call attention to it anymore. 

IMHO, if she would have started the thread off slightly differently - by stating that her H was in the midst of an EA, she tried to get him to stop, he refused, she sunk deeper into depression and had an RA that went physical...this thread would have went down a different path. In reality, this is what actually happened based on the known facts plus using logic to flesh out the situation. 

If the OP would have framed it differently, people would have been much more sympathetic even though the facts and the story would essentially be the same.  

IMHO, they were both sh!theads.


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## vellocet

ladylegs said:


> Fair enough although I do feel as if I deserve another chance.


Why do you deserve it?

And if he did give it to you, then you caught him balls deep into another woman, would you give him another chance?


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## vellocet

ladylegs said:


> So I have a question. If I do end up reconciling with my husband, should I tell him why I'm unhappy and tell him about the things in our marriage that pushed me away?


Ya sure if you want to piss him off. Because that is what they call blame shifting and gaslighting.

If I were your husband and decided to give you a second chance, and you pulled the blames shifting crap, I'd rescind the second chance.

Now that is not to say that you can't talk to him about things that you'd like to see improve. But never EVER tell him that things he did or didn't do in the marriage pushed you away. That is blaming HIM for YOUR choice to stray. And that won't fly with any BS with any self respect.


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## vellocet

ladylegs said:


> So the message I'm getting is that I should just let me marriage slip away. Well I was raised that if you love someone, you should fight for them.


If you loved him, you wouldn't have F'd another guy.




> What kind of woman would I be if I just gave him everything he wanted in a divorce without any sort of struggle?


The kind of woman that at the very least is trying to do right by him.




> That would make it seem like I wanted to divorce and that he's been living a lie.


When a spouse cheats, the BS HAS been living a lie.




> I owe him more than that. His life has not been a lie.


Yes, it has. Unless he had the understanding that he was married to someone unfaithful and he was ok with that.




> I feel like I should be fighting for my marriage for my sake and my children's.


Well that's another problem then isn't it. The children. Too many people don't take their kids' well being into consideration before hopping in the sack with someone other than their other parent.


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## Riley_Z

I really want to comment, but Vellocet has it in the bag.


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## Dyokemm

vellocet,

This OP is long gone.

She didn't like what TAM was selling so undoubtedly went off long ago in search of a site that would agree with her justifications.


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## vellocet

Dyokemm said:


> vellocet,
> 
> This OP is long gone.


Not really, its been less than 2 weeks. Could be on vacation, or just busy dealing with the fallout of what she did.




> She didn't like what TAM was selling so undoubtedly went off long ago in search of a site that would agree with her justifications.


Well if she finds such a site and coddling posters, then she is SURE to never get her husband back.


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## Dyokemm

vellocet,

she may have been on TAM about 2 weeks ago, but hasn't posted on this thread since last year unless something got deleted and I missed it.

I agree 100% on your 2nd point.


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## TheWon%

Q tip said:


> Once you see how he can walk away, the sooner you'll understand what you've done to him and your marriage.


Yep Q tip, you hit it right on the head with that one.....


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## vellocet

Dyokemm said:


> vellocet,
> 
> she may have been on TAM about 2 weeks ago, but hasn't posted on this thread since last year unless something got deleted and I missed it.


No, phffft, I am stuck in 2013 still. You are correct, last year.

Even so it was resurrected which is why I responded.


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## TheWon%

Wow, I just joined today and this is the first post I've really dug into. I couldn't help but get the sense of entitlement from the original post? She kept going on about having a home and children as if they were an anchor wherein she deserved some kind of leniency for her infidelity? Wait a second, so let me get this straight, I've got you anchored down so that gives me the right to treat you this way cause I think you think you can't leave? Then she cannot believe with what swift execution he delivered the divorce? 

I had an X gf who in the earlier stages of her relationship with her husband before they were married, they would fight, argue or whatever, they would breakup, she being socially extroverted and pretty, would go lay down with other men, she said that he didn't or not as much, then they would be back together. This happened repeatedly, then she got preggo, and as a matter of fact right after she got pregnant, allegedly unknown to her, here she was laying down with yet other men again, but anyway that's neither here nor there. So they get married, fast forward about a decade or so and she has an EA with a guy from her church, she claims she confessed it to her husband, who knows maybe he found out about it on his own?, you can't tell north from south with her stories, but whatever way it went, he dropped the hammer and I mean hard without prejudice. She still says she can't believe he divorced her over the EA, and I explained to her it wasn't just the EA, it was all that stuff before. I'd come unglued if I knew a woman who was carrying my baby was laying down with other men. I think SHE thought like this OP that a home and children would carry her through the EA ten years later (again she "says" there was no PA). 

On the OP, I would just have to think in my mind that any man with a home, a wife, and children that he obviously worked hard for, HAD he been cheating as well, wouldn't have dealt such swift justice...... anyway I'm new, what do I know, lol.....


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## bandit.45

Hey....

Deejo...


Kill this fvcking thread.....


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## Deejo

Done.


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