# Wife quit Marriage Counseling



## ShuffleUp (Jun 5, 2009)

My wife and I have been going to counseling for 3 months after the revealing of her affair. She quit today saying that she wasn't getting anything out of it and that she is fine and we will be fine and we can keep working on communicating.

I am disturbed by this because I look forward to the counseling sessions because I believe they were helping to rebuild our marriage and give us some skills to open the lines of communication.

I got upset and pressed her on what this means for "us" and tried several different ways to make sure this wasn't her backing out of the marriage or wanting to be together. She insisted that she did want to be with me but she was just tired of going (we went weekly).

I don't know what to do next. I have been able to keep myself encouraged about things but I am almost at a loss for words right now or ideas on what next. 

On the one hand, it seems silly to proceed to divorce because she won't go to counseling when I didn't divorce her for the affair. On the other hand, this shows me something about her willingness to proactively do things to improve our marriage and even more so doing things that she knows are important to me. 

I am really worried but there are not any other obvious bad signs I can see. 

BTW we have one child if that makes any difference.

Any advice?


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## Treadingcarefully (Sep 1, 2009)

ShuffleUp said:


> On the one hand, it seems silly to proceed to divorce because she won't go to counseling when I didn't divorce her for the affair. On the other hand, this shows me something about her willingness to proactively do things to improve our marriage and even more so doing things that she knows are important to me.


It wouldn't be silly. If she's not willing to do what it takes to fix the relationship, then it's not going to work. Re: not divorcing her for the affair. It's not like you would be divorcing her as REVENGE for an affair. You would be divorcing her because the marriage has broken down despite attempts to fix it following an affair.





ShuffleUp said:


> BTW we have one child if that makes any difference.


It does. It makes going harder, it makes staying harder.
But at the end of the day, you have to consider, what environment will the child grow up in? 
I am thinking about our two kids. 
Will it be better for them to live with mom, and see Dad part time, but without the arguments and tension that I worry would make them grow up insecure and emotionally unhealthy?
My kids are both under three years old. The elder girl has seen shouting matches, flying plates, mom whipping dad in the back of the head with a dish cloth, and Dad leaving the house angry. 

I'm not sure that it's healthier for us to stay together. I can't say what's right for you of course either.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

All I can tell you is my experience.

My wife lied to our marriage counselor and embarked on her long tem affair while we were in counseling. At some point she "revealed" that she had had a one time thing and said she was not doing it anymore.

She started getting uncomfortable with the counseling when the focus got on her problems. and then she quit saying it wasn't helping us!

thinking back on that horrible time of our lives what really was going on is that she was still cheating and didn't want that revealed since the trauma and distress from the fake revelation was having us on the border of divorce.

In her selfishness, she wanted both to have the comforts of marriage and this jerk on the side.

I'd be cynical about her reasons for quitting if I were you.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ShuffleUp said:


> My wife and I have been going to counseling for 3 months after the revealing of her affair. She quit today saying that she wasn't getting anything out of it and that she is fine


She is fine? SHE is fine?!?! how about YOU. because she took the selfish step to have an affair! personally i would have no care as to how SHE is.


ShuffleUp said:


> I am disturbed by this because I look forward to the counseling sessions because I believe they were helping to rebuild our marriage and give us some skills to open the lines of communication.


absolutely. the skills you both were gaining from counseling enabled her to say "no mas" to counseling.


ShuffleUp said:


> I got upset and pressed her on what this means for "us" and tried several different ways to make sure this wasn't her backing out of the marriage or wanting to be together. She insisted that she did want to be with me but she was just tired of going (we went weekly).


you have every right to know why she decided to stop going.
her "i was just tired of going" is crap. you have a lot of recovery to do regarding the affair. if she doesn't know that, now is the time to let her in on it.


ShuffleUp said:


> I don't know what to do next. I have been able to keep myself encouraged about things but I am almost at a loss for words right now or ideas on what next.


i agree that you continuing with counseling individually is the best plan. again, you're gonna need lots of help, no offense intended.


ShuffleUp said:


> On the one hand, it seems silly to proceed to divorce because she won't go to counseling when I didn't divorce her for the affair. On the other hand, this shows me something about her willingness to proactively do things to improve our marriage and even more so doing things that she knows are important to me.


divorce is terminal. i wouldn't suggest that. but get he a$$ back to counseling. she OWES you that.


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## GM17 (Aug 11, 2009)

It takes 2!! If she thinks counseling is not for her, then try to see if she is doing anything to better the marriage or just plain giving up. Maybe she just wants another method. You just have to keep the communication open. Tell her to be straight forward and ask if she still wants to work it out. Good Luck!


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## ShuffleUp (Jun 5, 2009)

Thanks to all these replies. I am still very concerned that this is a bad sign for the marriage. 

I went to see our counselor tonight and I have a lot to think over. 

This morning when I got to work she sent me an email saying to be ready Friday night because she was taking me on a date. Is this her trying to be more proactive in the marriage, or is she trying to appease me? I don't know.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ShuffleUp said:


> This morning when I got to work she sent me an email saying to be ready Friday night because she was taking me on a date. Is this her trying to be more proactive in the marriage, or is she trying to appease me? I don't know.


there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. i'd be so happy to read those words in an email.


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## ShuffleUp (Jun 5, 2009)

voivod said:


> there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. i'd be so happy to read those words in an email.


Yes I am taking it as a positive. As I said all other areas seem OK but the discontinuation of counseling. I am not thrilled but having a hard time bringing myself to doing something divisive unless/until I see any other red flags.


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## ShuffleUp (Jun 5, 2009)

That's exactly what I have decided to do. She took me on a date last night and it was one of those restaurants where you spend 2 hours. I was nervous that I wouldn't have stuff to talk about since everything on my mind recently has been worry and negatice thoughts. She stepped up to the plate and generated the discussion topics and we had really good non-affair, non-child, non-problems type conversation for the whole time. 

I think that the counseling wasn't so bad in and of itself for her, other then she was reminded of what had happened every time we went. I'm not making (good) excuses for her and I'd still feel better if she were going with me for me, but if she just doesn't want to think about the past anymore then I don't blame her. I don't either.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

I agree completely with Kaylar...I am another one that is not into marriage counseling but, if I had problems I would definitely use it....Let the past be the past...Go forward....Good luck...


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## ShuffleUp (Jun 5, 2009)

Ummm OK next question, unrelated but important for next steps... My wife and I had intimacy twice in the last 3 months - this was within the last 3 weeks both times - and it was enjoyable for both during the act although shortly afterwards my wife was emotional like in a sad-ish way. 

What are the steps that I or we need to take to get this back on course without the buyer's remorse setting in? She is in agreement that "everything" is going good and feeling better except this particular area where she's not "there" yet, mainly there being a reference to frequency of feeling in the mood for it. I get that but is this just a thing that will have to come with time, or what else are my strategies for this situation? Now that we're not going to counseling together how to we navigate through this ourselves?


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

I would tell her to get herself in the mood...All women have to do this at times...Especially when they are younger...Ten times more difficult when you have children...Start going to bed naked..Both of you....I mean every night...Quickies in the morning are fantastic...Take a shower together...Go bra less around the house, if she is wearing a skirt, forget about the panties...These are the sensual feelings that she wants to awaken...If she needs it look at a Playboy or Playgirl magazine..Her choice...Just get her juices moving...Try some different sex...Do her at the end of the bed...Once a woman really lets loose and finds the tiger in herself she is more apt to find it again...It is unlocking that cage that is difficult....


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## KeepLoveAlive (Sep 7, 2009)

There are several things you can do. You can gently talk to her, ask her what she desires, what she likes. Listen to her body and how she reacts during intimate moments and what she reacts well to and not. Also you can do some reading. There are plenty of books out there offering all kinds of ideas to "freshen things up" for you both in the bedroom.

And don't forget plenty of that little stuff beforehand that builds the sexual excitement: commenting on how good she looks, giving a little sexy kiss on the neck, giving her "that look", etc.

Nina


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