# I left my wife, now feeling confused



## ileft (May 3, 2013)

I left my wife a few days ago (living with my brother now). I endured 10 years of regular emotional and verbal abuse (at least once every 2-3 weeks) from my wife, and the occasional physical abuse (maybe once or twice a year).

Deep down, I don't think she's a bad person, even though she can say some really mean, nasty things when she gets in that state. She just has some personality issues and can't help herself even though I've told her numerous times it was affecting our relationship.

On the second day, she calls me saying she loves me and begging me to come home. I said I couldn't.

Today, I got an email saying she wants to give me the ultimate gift by letting me go as much as it hurts her. It hit me that this was really such a selfless thing for her to say (assuming she means it).

It did touch me greatly and I'm now feeling tremendous guilt about my decision. However, I know if I go back, once she gets into her comfort zone, she'll just go back to her usual emotionally and verbally abusive self again and I just don't want to deal with that anymore. I don't think she'll change, it's just who she is.

I would appreciate some thoughts and opinions on this.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

She's attempting to manipulate you emotionally as she has always done...and she's succeeding. You're feeling guilty. That's what she wants. How 'bout letting her feel a little guilty for a little while for abusing you for the last 10 years? Don't cave right now. She needs to learn that she doesn't get to control your emotions anymore. And you need to stop letting her.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Yeah don't fall for the bait, this equals the flowers after the black eye. Stay strong, don't communicate if you do, thank her for understanding and wish her the best. See if she does not go back to her ways right after.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

nothing wrong with feeling guilt over trying to fix your marriage the right way. Give it some time, get her into some therapy, maybe even both of you together in a couple/few weeks. Think about some boundries you'd like to have in place right now, what you would like to see addressed, and in turn what your wife might want from you in turn. If you don't have some rules during a separation, then your just asking for more trouble. Work together, but work apart too!!! Get the issues out in the open to where its not hostility or revenge, but a good working ability to address those issues. Good luck, be firm, for the both of you, let her know if she's willing to show you the work, you are willing to come back.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

:allhail:Kudos for leaving!

That's the hardest part.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's try to manipulate you and she will push whatever buttons she thinks will work to have you back under control again. Logically, you know what will happen if you go back. If she's serious, she will work on those issues in therapy and get them under control (if she can) and then you might consider what you want to do. But now is far too soon. Nothing's really changed on her part.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your in mourning, your suffering from the death of this marriage and its normal.

Just like when any of us lose a loved one we mourn the good times , but now we must continue to live and carry on. We cant bring them back but we can remember the good times and as time passes we let this love one go, as we continue to live life.

At the end of the day we all diserve good things.......


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Reconciliation only works when there's heavy lifting being done. She may mean what she's saying or she may just think she does. 

you need to figure out what steps she's supposed to take to prove her remorse is driven by more than loneliness. If you decide to look into reconciliation when anger management classes is a must. She has to learn how to vent differently and habits are HARD TO BREAK.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I can imagine that you might be feeling a bit fearful and very uncomfortable right now, being away from home and what you are used to. However, take heart that you are doing the right thing.

Abusers rarely change. I know this as my mother was an abuser, and she abused my father as well as my sister and I when we were kids (verbal, emotional, and physical abuse). And just like your wife, my mom is not a bad person at all. She's an incredibly devoted parent, but she was taught unhealthy boundaries and coping when she was younger, and she learned to think that the end justified the means... i.e. she could be abusive to us if she were trying to 'help' us do something she thought was right.

As you spent 10 years in an abusive marriage, I can imagine that it is your comfort zone. Even though you may HATE the abuse, in some ways, you grow used to it because it becomes what you know.... and stepping out by leaving feels rather new, and possibly uncomfortable. But by leaving, you are asserting your own dignity to be treated right, as you deserve to be. You do not deserve a lifetime of abuse. You deserve kindness and love.

Maybe your wife will change (due to your radical action of leaving) or maybe she will never change. If she never changes, then at least by leaving you are doing right for yourself and allow yourself to move on to a happier life. On the other hand, there is a small possibility that she may realize she is making a grave mistake and will decide to work on herself. That won't be easy. I wouldn't believe anything she says at this time, as she's just saying it out of emotion. It would take a LONG time to prove if she's serious or not. 

Abusers are really bullies and cowards. They abuse because they CAN get away with it. (And by leaving, you have made a bold step to tell her in your actions that you will no longer allow her to continue to get away with this. Continuing to stay with her, would have indirectly told her that it was okay to go on abusing.) Another thing is that abuse thrives on secrecy. Abusers do not want others to know of their abusive nature, as deep down they may feel ashamed of it. And they may project that shame onto you, making you also feel ashamed to speak out about your situation. I'm sure your wife won't feel thrilled if her friends and family know of the abuse. 

I wouldn't even THINK about reconciling someday unless she goes to therapy and talks openly to the counselor about the verbal and physical abuse. If she's not willing to become vulnerable and lay down all her walls for the therapist, or if she continues to defend the abuse.... then that only shows that she is not serious about a life without abuse. I wouldn't even consider accepting her back into your life unless she gets to that point, where she can speak about her abuse to others (therapist and family members) openly and humbly without getting defensive. I wish my father had stood his ground to my mother, but he didn't. (As it might have forced her to become a different person who was more mature.) As such, not only he suffered, but so did my sister and I. If you have children or bring children into the world with your wife, then that is wrong to allow them to be exposed to an abuser... as no child deserves to be abused or suffer in an abusive environment. 

Anyway, now is not the time to think about reconciliation (though I was the one who mentioned it). Just do your best to take care of yourself. You are being courageous in your actions, and I admire you for it. I wish my father had previously had your courage... as our lives would have been much different.


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## thisSux (Jan 8, 2013)

for men who are recovering from relationships with abusive women and the non-abusive family and friends who love them | Shrink4Men 

I found this really helpful and when i began to understand my stbxw personality type i knew how to deal with it so now when she tries to manipulate i don't rise to it and the power base is gone


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

This is normal. Honestly, I would try 30 days of no contact. After 30 days of ignoring her calls, texts, etc. you will not be so easily manipulated. Take more time if need be. Make any arrangements you need to make ahead of time (financial, etc.) ... in the next day or two and then start NC.


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

Thank you to all who replied.

I was just thinking about something she has said to me many times. She said, "Despite everything I've done (i.e. the abuse), I still really, really love you."

It occurred to me that she's got this back to front. If she really, really loved me, she wouldn't treat me like that. And it also occurred to me that I wouldn't tolerate that sort of behaviour from anyone else, why should I tolerate it just because it's coming from my wife?


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

The wife called last night. Says she was working on improving on herself and wants one last chance (I'm not sure how many 'last chances' she wants).

Anyway, she says she is going to counselling and classes to improve herself and that I should meet her again in 2 months to decide if I really want to move on.

The problem is, in my mind, I already desperately want to move on but it's so hard when she keeps holding on and begging me to give it another go.

I don't really have anymore confidence in her ever changing her abusive ways. I just want to get on with my life but I'm finding it hard to do so if she won't.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

ileft said:


> The wife called last night. Says she was working on improving on herself and wants one last chance (I'm not sure how many 'last chances' she wants).
> 
> Anyway, she says she is going to counselling and classes to improve herself and that I should meet her again in 2 months to decide if I really want to move on.
> 
> ...


This is a good step on her part. She is working on herself (allegedly) and is more realistic now about giving you space while she does so. 

Now you have some thinking and work to do on yourself. Establish a No Contact boundary during those two months and do not respond if she reaches out (unless business/finance/child related). Be consistent or your boundaries will not be seen as serious. They will get tested regardless so stand firm. 

If you don't feel it will work... file for legal separation or divorce to show her you are serious. D takes months in most states and can be cancelled at any time if she does prove herself and you take her back.

If she does have something like BPD, she may not improve much even with years of therapy. You need to accept that possibility and decide what you can/will accept in order to give it a shot.


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

zillard said:


> If she does have something like BPD, she may not improve much even with years of therapy. You need to accept that possibility and decide what you can/will accept in order to give it a shot.


Yes, my own counsellor thinks it is BPD. That's what scares me the most about it as I do not think this is something that be resolved in a matter of just 2 months.

My counsellor asked me to be firm about the end of the relationship but I am wavering. I think I'm going to have to see my counsellor again to discuss this.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

It can be done successfully, with a lot of hard work on both your parts. 

We see her type a lot here. Women with abusive childhoods who never developed fully emotionally thus leaving them filled with anger and fear. 

When it comes out it is directed at you. Steps can be taken to help this but not quickly nor easily. 

I suggest you read "stop walking on eggshells" and see if you can relate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

ileft said:


> I do not think this is something that be resolved in a matter of just 2 months.


If she has full-blown BPD traits, you should be thinking more in terms of several years for a substantial change. I would be surprised, however, if as many as 1 in 100 BPDers have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to remain in therapy long enough to make a real difference. 

Moreover, it would be extremely difficult for you to detect any lasting improvements. How would you be able to do so? As you know so well, a BPDer regularly shows dramatic improvements every 2 or 3 weeks -- just before sliding back to the dark side. Like smokers who are always "quitting," BPDers typically are always "improving."


> My counsellor asked me to be firm about the end of the relationship but I am wavering.


I encourage you to hold firm. I would hate to see you go down the same path I took. It did not end well. I spent a small fortune taking my BPDer exW to six different psychologists for weekly sessions throughout the 15 years of our marriage. Sadly, all that "therapy" did not make even a dent in her issues. 

If you would like to read about some of my experiences, take a look at my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, iLeft.


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