# Emotional support or self centered emotional demands



## KISA1977 (Aug 3, 2010)

Hello, I am new to this site. I would like to bounce some things off of you though if I can. My H and I married at 19 over 32 years ago. Right from the start my IL and SIL's hated me and wrote a letter stating it. They have tried to sabatage our marriage from even on our wedding day when his father stood in our tiny one bedroom apartment~twenty feet from where I was sitting and said told H he could still back out. Ten years into the marriage H had an affair with our babysitter for one year and included his family in the deception. We made it through that (although without counseling~reason for that too)and twenty years later with actually the very first test of our marriage while he was away on business for three months he pushed the very limits of our marriage. Forward to Mar of this year and I am on Facebook and his sister is on my wall and lo and behold what pops up is a message to her from his ex-mistress from twenty years ago! We went to couseling for a month and I told him I will never see his family again and the counselor basically told me to accept him as he is or else. He has never stood up for our marriage to his family ever. I e-mailed the mistress and the sister! He has never said one word to her! He even called her on her birthday two months after the instance and wished her a happy birthday! I guess that is THE biggest concern for me now. I am much older now and and so sick of his not being able to stand up for me or our marriage. I am scared I am looking to find a way out of the marriage now. He is a great guy otherwise and does things for me always but even I can see the stress is getting to him too. Do I try and fix just myself or do I try and do some more counseling to get over the very latest hurt? Thanks..............


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

"Yourself" is the only person any of us have the capability of "fixing".

There needs to be a "no contact" agreement between him and his ex-mistress. Other than that, how about looking at how he is standing up for your marriage by being the great guy that he is and everything he does for you? He has stayed married to you too - for many years. I would say that's a very strong message in and of itself.

You can't do anything about his family, they don't sound worth the concern to begin with. You don't have to prove anything at all to them or stand up for your marriage. I mean honestly, don't you think it's pathetic that the ex-mistress would still be around after all these years? You've stayed married to this man, you are his wife. The only person you need to talk with at all is your husband. Stop allowing these "other" people to come into your marriage. You are inviting them in by how much you concern yourself with it.

Start getting closer to your husband and building a strong foundation of happiness. After all these years, you can go a bit longer without dwelling on the problems. If after six months or a year, or if he continues to communicate with the other woman, then sit down and talk with him, otherwise, focus on what's good and how to make that grow into something better.


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## KISA1977 (Aug 3, 2010)

Re: Happyher: Yes. I do agree with your assessment. I took a very long nap today and when I woke I knew I needed to make a counseling appointment for myself to get myself "fixed". He said he is here to help and seemed to want to come, but I am going to go and try and figure out how to separate his family and thier shananigans from our marriage. I told him I realized he didn't do the harm and I needed to get over it and make sure I get strong to go forward with our relationship. You are right~he is still married to me~she must be on the prowl again and gleams information from his sister. He has definitely said he has had will not any contact with her. Why do people want to intentionally hurt others? "sigh"


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I am so happy to hear that he won't have contact with her. That's a great step in the right direction. It sounds as if he is willing to work through the issues you are facing and that you have a good plan of action.

I don't know why people are how they are, I deal with my own difficult in laws. In laws are actually in the top three causes for divorce, not always intentional, but still at a high enough percentage than learning how to work around them is prudent for most marriages.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

KISA1977 said:


> Hello, I am new to this site. I would like to bounce some things off of you though if I can. My H and I married at 19 over 32 years ago. Right from the start my IL and SIL's hated me and wrote a letter stating it. They have tried to sabatage our marriage from even on our wedding day when his father stood in our tiny one bedroom apartment~twenty feet from where I was sitting and said told H he could still back out. Ten years into the marriage H had an affair with our babysitter for one year and included his family in the deception. We made it through that (although without counseling~reason for that too)and twenty years later with actually the very first test of our marriage while he was away on business for three months he pushed the very limits of our marriage. Forward to Mar of this year and I am on Facebook and his sister is on my wall and lo and behold what pops up is a message to her from his ex-mistress from twenty years ago! We went to couseling for a month and I told him I will never see his family again and the counselor basically told me to accept him as he is or else. He has never stood up for our marriage to his family ever. I e-mailed the mistress and the sister! He has never said one word to her! He even called her on her birthday two months after the instance and wished her a happy birthday! I guess that is THE biggest concern for me now. I am much older now and and so sick of his not being able to stand up for me or our marriage. I am scared I am looking to find a way out of the marriage now. He is a great guy otherwise and does things for me always but even I can see the stress is getting to him too. Do I try and fix just myself or do I try and do some more counseling to get over the very latest hurt? Thanks..............


Am I missing something here?

He has a year long affair with the babysitter, won't stand up to his family for you, makes contact with the mistress again and you think YOU need to go to a counselor?

Unless you have already thrown in the towel on the marriage, get the a-hole in the car with you and BOTH go!


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## KISA1977 (Aug 3, 2010)

Re: Chris Taylor: He has not had contact with her again. His sister has through her Facebook. What I am not certain of is if his Mother and Father have had contact. They were very involved during his affair. I was guilted by him in returning to family things with them after the affair. I have since Mar 15 when I discovered the Facebook comment had no contact with them. As a human being I can only have normal doubts that his vindictive family has not told him things from her. We have had numerous incidences that have hurt me badly done by his family and his sister even mentioned that a couple of years ago that they have done these things, but he has never stood up to them for absolutely any of it. He wouldn't even believe his family did anything for years. Not my family was the cry! So now I am getting older and more cautious and don't think I can go through anything of the sort again. So I have to get strong and fix myself. I don't know any other way. Thanks for your reply.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you have any desire to stay married, get him to go to counseling with you. He needs to hear from a professional what damage he is doing.


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## silent (Aug 10, 2010)

KISA1977 said:


> Hello, I am new to this site. I would like to bounce some things off of you though if I can. My H and I married at 19 over 32 years ago. Right from the start my IL and SIL's hated me and wrote a letter stating it. They have tried to sabatage our marriage from even on our wedding day when his father stood in our tiny one bedroom apartment~twenty feet from where I was sitting and said told H he could still back out. Ten years into the marriage H had an affair with our babysitter for one year and included his family in the deception. We made it through that (although without counseling~reason for that too)and twenty years later with actually the very first test of our marriage while he was away on business for three months he pushed the very limits of our marriage. Forward to Mar of this year and I am on Facebook and his sister is on my wall and lo and behold what pops up is a message to her from his ex-mistress from twenty years ago! We went to couseling for a month and I told him I will never see his family again and the counselor basically told me to accept him as he is or else. He has never stood up for our marriage to his family ever. I e-mailed the mistress and the sister! He has never said one word to her! He even called her on her birthday two months after the instance and wished her a happy birthday! I guess that is THE biggest concern for me now. I am much older now and and so sick of his not being able to stand up for me or our marriage. I am scared I am looking to find a way out of the marriage now. He is a great guy otherwise and does things for me always but even I can see the stress is getting to him too. Do I try and fix just myself or do I try and do some more counseling to get over the very latest hurt? Thanks..............


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## silent (Aug 10, 2010)

well what can advice is that if a man doesnt respect u or-and lies about what u been finding, and shows that he doesnt want to work out the marriage u should know the answer rit, u want to be with someone who atleast tries and doesnt keep repeatly messing up over and over again, have family support its the best and god. he will never let u down and will guide u tru tis hurt. believe me. if u both talk if hes willig to keep working on the marriage. tis seems like its his family bothering you both putting stuff in his head, tis is your marriage not theres dont let them break tis marriage after so many years. only if u both want it. put ur foot down tell ur husband to defend u. or what he doesnt want the marriage anymore. pray that god keeps those mean people away from ur marriage but with faith, and theres no obstacles for god!


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

KISA1977 said:


> He has never said one word to her! He even called her on her birthday two months after the instance and wished her a happy birthday!


I don't understand.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Here's the thing about getting his family out of your marriage: it won't happen. They're his family, and unless he tells them to back off and stay out of it, nothing you do will make them go away. I myself am very close to my family, and they would not go away if my boyfriend wanted them to, but they would if I wanted them to. The difference is that my family likes my boyfriend, and I make it a point to keep my family out of our relationship as much as possible. Yes, there are instances where it can't be helped that they overhear an argument or something, but I don't deliberately involve them. And that's what your husband seems to do; he deliberately involves them in your marriage. So I will say I agree with the counselor that told you to accept him as is or leave. I also think that if he's having contact with the woman he had an affair with, and pushing boundaries with you knowing how fragile the trust is, that makes it pretty clear to me that he doesn't have much respect for you or your marriage. 

If you still truly desire to save your marriage, the best advice I can give would be to see a counselor together, demand that he eliminate all contact with the woman he cheated with, and cut his family out of your marriage. Not out of his life, but out of your marriage. Explain to him that it's fine to tell them what's happening at work, or what he's doing with some hobby, or whatever, but that he needs to stop telling them what goes on in your marriage and that when they say anything about the marriage, he needs to put them in their place. If they tell him things about the other woman, he needs to tell them he doesn't want to hear it. If they ask how the marriage is, he needs to say things are fine/wonderful/good/he's happy and change the subject. 

If he can't/won't do those things, they you need to decide if you can live with things as they have been for the last 32 years or if you need to leave and start new.


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