# A Change in Attitude during your R



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I will start by saying that for the most part our R has been ok transparency, calling from work and when she leaves, very remorseful all that stuff.

However there are some nagging things still lingering- mainly I still think she hasn't been 100 % honest and still has some hidden actions that she is worried if she tells me I will be gone for good.
Even though I have some evidence there is nothing concrete but it is hard to argue with phone records. and a few places she said she was going that I can't confirm from that time.

So there is some impasse, her saying there is nothing else me saying I see some things that suggest otherwise. Ultimately ending with her saying if I can't get past this she is done (funny because she has told me several times she will be here as long as it takes to make this right) as she sees no sense in continuing.

So my position is now this I am here but I am no longer promising anything, if I wake up tomorrow, next week, next month year whatever and decide I can't go on with what I think are half truths then she is out. You can imagine this has not gone over well but I am not the one who brought us to this so tough live with it just like I am trying to do and if you don't like it tomorrow, next year etc then you can call it over and leave as well.

I say that to say this I think it has taken the last several months since this has happened for me to finally reach the point where I have learned I can go on without her, I wouldn't be happy at least not at first but what will happen will happen and my life will go on.

I don't want to call it a hardening of my heart towards her or that I have fallen completely out of love with her( the sun does not rise and set with her anymore though) but I want to call it maturing in this process, at first you are stunned a novice not really knowing what to do just holding on then the confidence comes back and you know that you will be just fine no matter what.

About d*mm time


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

love=pain said:


> So there is some impasse, her saying there is nothing else me saying I see some things that suggest otherwise. Ultimately ending with *her saying if I can't get past this she is done* (funny because she has told me several times she will be here as long as it takes to make this right) *as she sees no sense in continuing*.


Translation: Get over it already

This is rugsweeping and not true remorse. The true test of R is time. A truly remorseful spouse would not say that. My fWW said the same thing: That she will do anything no matter how long it takes to recover the marriage.

June 11, 2013 will be my 3rd Antiversary (D-Day plus 3 years). My fWW has never said anything like that yet. Remember, it takes 2-5 years on average, to recover from a betrayal like this.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

My man said that at the beginning 'if I can't get past it he is done', etc etc. He refused to discuss it after we had gone over several times. 

Then I was done eventually when it became clear we were going nowhere and he was obviously not coming clean (educated here at TAM).

We were on, off, on, off, eventually off. Out came some TT (1 year later and much hurt, anger and upset in the process!). Stupid me for putting up with it! 

We are still at an impasse, I don't believe he has still come completely clean, but there is no more 'get over it'. He talks if I need to, accepts all conditions. We are nearly 2 years post DD now. 

Your Mrs is definitely hiding more stuff. Question is if you are prepared to let her go due to not coming clean? 

If she is saying those things to you, definitely let her go. She is not prepared to fix, or help fix.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

As a WS I know how hard it is to tell somone you hurt the details... it really really sucks, and all you want to do is forget about it and pray your BS does too. In no way am I defending your WW, she needs to know how important it is for you to truely heal. My STBX has filed, I moved out per her request, and there is little to no chance at R. That all said, I will do whatever my STBX needs from me to help her heal, as hard as that is... I know she may need all those details.

It is her job to do all the heavy lifting and put your healing before anything else to achieve true R. It is your job to let her know what is required, and what are the very real consequences if she doesn't. Either she isn't doing or your not demanding and following through.

WS


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

love=pain said:


> So there is some impasse, her saying there is nothing else me saying I see some things that suggest otherwise. Ultimately ending with her saying if I can't get past this she is done (funny because she has told me several times she will be here as long as it takes to make this right) as she sees no sense in continuing.


This was the key to me.

Maybe it's time to deliver an ultimatum. Provide her with the evidence and yoour concerns and give her one chance to come clean to your satisfaction. If she cannot, then time to go because you can't go on knowing you're getting a partial truth and living a lie isn't going to make a marriage work.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

In the case of my R, I've noticed with time the OMs history is being rewritten. Everytime we've discussed him she describes him worse. Funny how the history rewrite can work against OMs as well as BSs.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

love=pain said:


> So my position is now this I am here but I am no longer promising anything, if I wake up tomorrow, next week, next month year whatever and decide I can't go on with what I think are half truths then she is out. You can imagine this has not gone over well but I am not the one who brought us to this so tough live with it just like I am trying to do and if you don't like it tomorrow, next year etc then you can call it over and leave as well.
> 
> I say that to say this I think it has taken the last several months since this has happened for me to finally reach the point where I have learned I can go on without her, I wouldn't be happy at least not at first but what will happen will happen and my life will go on.
> 
> I don't want to call it a hardening of my heart towards her or that I have fallen completely out of love with her( the sun does not rise and set with her anymore though) but I want to call it maturing in this process, *at first you are stunned a novice not really knowing what to do just holding on then the confidence comes back and you know that you will be just fine no matter what.*About d*mm time


You are at the end of limbo. Congratulations!

I hope that those struggling with recent d-days will read your words and recognize that they will be okay as well.

The path ahead has its bumps, but it makes me smile to know that you are mending.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

love=pain said:


> However there are some nagging things still lingering- mainly I still think she hasn't been 100 % honest and still has some hidden actions that she is worried if she tells me I will be gone for good.
> Even though I have some evidence there is nothing concrete but it is hard to argue with phone records. and a few places she said she was going that I can't confirm from that time.
> 
> So there is some impasse, her saying there is nothing else me saying I see some things that suggest otherwise. Ultimately ending with her saying if I can't get past this she is done (funny because she has told me several times she will be here as long as it takes to make this right) as she sees no sense in continuing.


Please forgive me if this sounds harsh, but I think the real problem is that you stayed with her in the first place! I don't believe that you (or anyone) should try to "R" without making it clear that "D" is in process and that you are going through with the "D" unless you see that she is giving you everything you need. Reconciling from the comfort of a marriage gives the wayward a huge comfort (safety) zone from which to operate and they can act with the impunity that you describe. Staying in the marriage puts you in the position of weakness. Now she is telling you that "she" will leave if "you can't get over it". If you had filed from the begining you would have seen quickly how committed she was or wasn't to you.

I'm sorry for your pain man.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

I agree with MM. I am just happy that the pain is less severe. It seems that you are just in a lull before you begin with a D. I did that, and it seemed to be a good move. Gave me time to plan it out. Good luck!


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

The bishop said:


> As a WS I know how hard it is to tell somone you hurt the details... it really really sucks, and all you want to do is forget about it and pray your BS does too.


I don't want to jump all over WS's, but how can this possibly compare to the pain of being betrayed? 

And wanting it to just go away is effectively wanting it to remain unresolved, so that it will haunt the WS forever.

It's a bit like running over your spouse with the car and then not wanting them to go to hospital for treatment because you can't bear to see them undergo a painful operation to fix the damage that you caused.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

The biggest difference between now and when it started or even 2 months ago is the feeling that if I am done I am done right now I am not but the confidence to just move on if that is what I decide is there.
The more I thought about this post the more I compare it to the "fog" some of the WS go through, many BS have their own type of fog, the hysterical bonding, the panic of being alone, loss of their family.
If I am here it is because I want to be here not that I have to be here big difference.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

As a BS for me the hardest part of the entire process was actually understanding that I had to be fully committed to losing my partner, marriage, and everything else, in order to have any meaningful chance to actually salvage it, and rebuild it to be stronger. Consulting with a D attorney and being ready to file was the hardest thing I ever had to face and do. When my fWS learned about how far along I was in the process of D, it really shook her to the core, and galvanized in her how real the situation really was. I think that the entire process of seeing the attorney was the most meaningful foothold I got on saving my marriage. The effect was two fold. One, it helped me come to terms with the fact that life had to, and would go on without her in it, and that in order to have any type of self respect left after the dust settled I had to act accordingly, sending a message to my then WS that I had self worth and value, and shouldn't be flippantly dismissed.

As others have pointed out, her defensiveness reeks of rug sweeping, and should not be tolerated. Explain to her that it is up to her to understand what it is you are going through. Tell her you will help, by pointing her to the right texts/websites, but she has to do the legwork and learn what it will take to help you heal, and how her defensiveness will simply derail all efforts to R.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Please forgive me if this sounds harsh, but I think the real problem is that you stayed with her in the first place! I don't believe that you (or anyone) should try to "R" without making it clear that "D" is in process and that you are going through with the "D" unless you see that she is giving you everything you need.


I hate to admit it, but this is true. Regret was always willing to talk and open up and tell me the truth. Until, something else "small" came out...then I knew the "truth". Fast forward to summer and my golf league where I re-aquainted myself with a good guy who just happens to be a lawyer. We played a round and he gave me his card. Page 51 in the Reconciliation thread. You can read how difficult it was for her to realize that I was literally ready to walk. See...that day I told her I was finished with the trickle truth and gave her his card. I told her that he was the one she would be talking to from now on and that I was giving her one more chance. 

Life changed quite dramatically from that point. It has been totally different ever since. No longer do my Spidey senses tingle as they had for almost 6 months to that day.




love=pain said:


> The more I thought about this post the more I compare it to the "fog" some of the WS go through, many BS have their own type of fog, the hysterical bonding, the panic of being alone, loss of their family.


For me, I can honestly say a big part of my "fog" was that everything that I knew wasn't the reality of our marriage. It threw me for a loop for so damn long. Although, my fog wasn't about fear of loss or anything...it was more about "WTF?" I had to realize that my life with Regret for the 5 years leading up to that very night, were not at all what I thought.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Paladin said:


> As a BS for me the hardest part of the entire process was actually understanding that I had to be fully committed to losing my partner, marriage, and everything else, in order to have any meaningful chance to actually salvage it, and rebuild it to be stronger. Consulting with a D attorney and being ready to file was the hardest thing I ever had to face and do. When my fWS learned about how far along I was in the process of D, it really shook her to the core, and galvanized in her how real the situation really was. I think that the entire process of seeing the attorney was the most meaningful foothold I got on saving my marriage. The effect was two fold. One, it helped me come to terms with the fact that life had to, and would go on without her in it, and that in order to have any type of self respect left after the dust settled I had to act accordingly, sending a message to my then WS that I had self worth and value, and shouldn't be flippantly dismissed.
> 
> As others have pointed out, her defensiveness reeks of rug sweeping, and should not be tolerated. Explain to her that it is up to her to understand what it is you are going through. Tell her you will help, by pointing her to the right texts/websites, but she has to do the legwork and learn what it will take to help you heal, and how her defensiveness will simply derail all efforts to R.


You are right and I have told her the same things. I told her that if she wants to truly get past this then any of these anomalies need to be explained the longer questions linger the longer this process will take if it even can be resolved at all.

I will be here as long as I can but one day the questions still out there will be more than I can take just that simple.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

"her saying if I can't get past this she is done"

Huge red flag here. That's definitely NOT remorse, she's not sorry and she's angry. But angry at what? you, for getting caught, loosing her lover...what is it? 

With an attitude like that, you WILL NOT get passed it. It will eat at you and haunt you for ever as long as you are with her. Time for serious actions on your part.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

love=pain said:


> The more I thought about this post the more I compare it to the "fog" some of the WS go through, many BS have their own type of fog, the hysterical bonding, the panic of being alone, loss of their family.


I went through a long period of that. About 8 months. I also tried to shoulder all the blame for the issues in the marriage. Emotionally I went through a very dark period. That kind of dark. I stayed in denial and accepted "he's just a friend" and my own ignorance to what an EA really was kept me there. Even though the little voice kept saying "Wake the **** up Amp!" Complete and utter denial, until I heard her voice say "I'm in love with him." 2X4! And her own admission, "I've been in denial about it for a long time." 4X4 NC started.

For a few months things improved in the marriage, we were no longer treading water, but my attitude changed. While I had my own hand in the demise of the relationship, I never went where she did to escape it. What I was so afraid to do previously, I did. I walked through that door of what would life be like without her. I separated the emotional from the logistical. How to tell the kids, how to handle the divorce from what will the new budget look like, would I stay in the house or go, researched apartments, child custody, alimony and child support. It empowered me to worry less about the day-to-day BS and concentrate on the long game. The emotional roller coaster flat-lined. Once you've done that, you gain a higher level of control in the outcome. Control of yourself, your actions breeds confidence, confidence breeds success or at least a loss of a fear to let the marriage fail.

A few months later, my gut told me something was wrong. We'd stopped improving. I confronted her with absolutely no evidence. But she knew from the look in my eyes, I knew NC had been broken. She came clean, correspondence had restarted and was completely under the radar. The ultimatum was delivered. It was as unemotional as I could make it, it was firm and it was final. I got on a plane for a business trip and went dark. Termination of the contact ended about a week later on my return. 

Where you are now is the point of success, not giving it all up. You may still love her deeply but you you owe more to yourself than to her. If in the end it all goes to crap the marriage has failed but you succeeded in giving it everything you had. Your success is in knowing that, and you should revel in it. Don't leave anything in the tank! Run that ****er out of fuel and if it quits, get out and walk away.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I had to go thru your other posts and your other threads to get a gist of why you are feeling this way, and now I can understand.



love=pain said:


> My story isn't any different she had a brief *ea went pa once* and she continued the ea for about a month afterward. Sprinkle in a* few other ea's and a ons* several years ago and there you have it. Read it on hear too many times no need for the gory details, we are working on R been about a year. Like everyone I use this place to vent beats the hell out of bringing this up to her all the time I give her enough .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know there is more to what she's confessed, in addition to that, this isn't her first, second, or even third time cheating. This is at least OM#4 or something. You said before that you've been lurking on this board for a while before posting. Then you know that your WW is a serial cheater. You know from evidence and your gut, that your WW hooked up with the OM more than once, yet she continues to trickle truth you. They say that Trickle Truth is the marriage killer. 

You probably also feel deep down, that even though she acts remorseful, she's going to do it again. Plus the fact that she wants to rug sweep this already. You also harbor a lot of resentment towards her from your other thread. You worked your ass off so she could be a SAHM, but that wasn't enough for her and she cheated on you with this OM, and several other OMs and that ONS. Of course she acts remorseful at times, she's a SAHM and hasn't worked a day in years. Divorce to her would mean a much more difficult life. 

Truth is, you've put up with way more than a lot of BSs would have. You've given her a lot of chances already. I would say that either she gives you FULL DISCLOSURE now, or it's over. You've given it all already. This may ultimately be a deal breaker for you. 

Get this: You didn't fail. She did.....multiple times.


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