# Told my husband I filed and out of nowhere a friend is coming on to me!



## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

This is such a strange scenario, some of you know my story but for those of you who don't here's a summary (husband cheated four years ago, kept the extent of it hidden from me until recently and only came clean as I then found out via a third party) he couldn't take it that I was naturally upset as it happened so long ago and we fell out and I hadn't heard from him in almost two weeks (he works away) 

Well today he got in touch, he's been devastated apparently but then I find out he was had a night out last weekend with his old school chums (there was also females in his company) which before recent events wouldn't have been an issue for me but I just thought that's not the actions of a distraught man and it didn't sit well with me. But he's been crying over the divorce and I really couldn't care less, I'm checking out, value my life too much to waste it.

This is where is gets weird..I know a guy and he's always been a family friend and every year at Christmas I order hampers from him the he makes up and get them delivered to the nursing home that looked after my gran.

So the other week I got in touch with him about the hampers, told him what I wanted in each one and that was okay. Well today he got in touch with me telling me the prices and then he started telling me about something personal (he battles depression) I felt sorry for him and tried to talk him through this, only after a while for him to come on to me, well I think that's what it was.

This guy has been a friend of my family since I was a child, his dad and my dad were good friends and he's also a good friend of my older brother, he knows my husband fairly well too (okay he doesn't know our marital problems so as far as he's aware I'm off limits) 

He starts to tell me how he thinks I'm so beautiful and how I'm such a nice person, not a bad bone in my body that type of crap, how everyone loves me because I'm this lovely person, I kind of don't like where it's heading because I don't want to be having conversations that lead on to that type of talk, not whilst I'm still technically married. I say to him oh, my husband tells me that too, what would he say about this and he then says please don't tell him and goes on to compliment me, tell me he's always liked me and don't get me wrong I like him, he's a good person but not in that way.

I tried to say anything to get him to change the subject as I really wasn't comfortable at this early stage of my marriage breakdown to be getting hit on by a dude I've known since I was a little girl. 

The thing is he then apologised and asked me to delete the conversation, I told him I wouldn't be doing that as there's nothing to hide and he begged me, said he didn't ever want my husband or brother to find out.

I wouldn't be the kind of person to just show the messages to anyone so it's not as though there's any risk them being there but if I delete them like he asked and then my husband finds out will it not look suspicious?

I know I shouldn't care but I would never want him to think I would stoop to his level and I would always want to have the moral high ground.

Any advice appreciated. 


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

First congrats you are doing the right thing. Next this guy things you are "happily" married and is hitting on you? :redcard: Plus you are no where ready to start a relationship. If you want to have a fling or whatever don't do it with this guy because you will just mess up that relationship. So just delete the conversation, you husband is out of the picture anyway. He messed up but he gave you some insight into his character so after you get divorced if he hits on you again you at least know he is a guy who would hit on a married woman.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

@sokillme thank you, I do feel in some way proud of myself. Well, it was hitting on me really, I'm not reading into it I'd don't think, or am I?

No, he was, why ask me to delete it. He's not a guy I would even pursue, I've never ever looked at him in that way so nothing's going to happen there. 

Even if brad Pitt were to come and hit on me, I'm not ready even for a little fling. I just want to focus on myself and pick myself up and try put it all behind me.

So, I should just delete the conversation, will that not seem if it ever comes out (the guy in question can't hold his drink) so maybe will let it slip, but will it not look bad if I've deleted anything? I don't want my husband having any reason to ever feel justified in his behaviour and I certainly don't want him having any ammunition to use against me in the divorce. 

It's actually probably so trivial and petty but I just didn't know what to do for the best regarding this. 


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Loveontherocks said:


> @sokillme thank you, I do feel in some way proud of myself. Well, it was hitting on me really, I'm not reading into it I'd don't think, or am I?
> 
> No, he was, why ask me to delete it. He's not a guy I would even pursue, I've never ever looked at him in that way so nothing's going to happen there.
> 
> ...


Why save it? Is your husband checking your phone? How would it come out? If you are detaching from your husband then why worry about what he thinks. You are not cheating right, it's not like you are keeping secrets because the marriage is over right? Plus you stopped it. Now this friend knows and apologized, if he tries it again tell him you have to cut the conversation short and get off the phone then then consider backing off the friendship. At this point don't even talk about what happened with him, tell him you deleted the conversation and you never want to talk about it again. Then don't. I am not saying this guy is a good guy by the way. At this point I would delete it an move on. 

Deal with ending your marriage that is going to have to be your focus for a little while.

By the way it's OK to get an ego boost and reassurance that you are still attractive to people, maybe it was God/Life whatever you believe sending you a little strength. As long as that is all you take from it.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Why save it? Is your husband checking your phone? How would it come out? If you are detaching from your husband then why worry about what he thinks. You are not cheating right, it's not like you are keeping secrets because the marriage is over right?


Maybe the marriage isn't over. OP sounds like she is still cherishing thoughts of reconciliation. The filing is just a throw-him-off-his-perch move so that he can recommit. That's the way it comes across to me.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Why save it? Is your husband checking your phone? How would it come out? If you are detaching from your husband then why worry about what he thinks. You are not cheating right, it's not like you are keeping secrets because the marriage is over right? Plus you stopped it. Now this friend knows and apologized, if he tries it again tell him you have to cut the conversation short and get off the phone then then consider backing off the friendship. At this point don't even talk about what happened with him, tell him you deleted the conversation and you never want to talk about it again. Then don't. I am not saying this guy is a good guy by the way. At this point I would delete it an move on.
> 
> Deal with ending your marriage that is going to have to be your focus for a little while.
> 
> By the way it's OK to get an ego boost and reassurance that you are still attractive to people, maybe it was God/Life whatever you believe sending you a little strength. As long as that is all you take from it.




I agree but I don't believe in deleting anything when I am an honest person with nothing to hide. I don't know if this family friend will blab when he's had a bit of a drink but my point was just why delete something I am entirely innocent in, makes me look as if I'm hiding something.

The husband won't check my phone, he never has because he's no reason to but i just wouldn't want him to find out and feel as if I crossed a line before I was officially divorced, I can't say this other guy won't mention it to someone, he is really out there when he's drunk. 

For now I feel uncomfortable around him, at Christmas when our families get together I'm going to feel awkward but why delete it, if he was worried about it being discovered he shouldn't come on from to a married woman and part of me is disgusted by that because I never saw that side to him before. 


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Loveontherocks said:


> I agree but I don't believe in deleting anything when I am an honest person with nothing to hide. I don't know if this family friend will blab when he's had a bit of a drink but my point was just why delete something I am entirely innocent in, makes me look as if I'm hiding something.
> 
> The husband won't check my phone, he never has because he's no reason to but i just wouldn't want him to find out and feel as if I crossed a line before I was officially divorced, I can't say this other guy won't mention it to someone, he is really out there when he's drunk.
> 
> ...


OK so the dude made a pass at you and you turned him down. If you stay with your husband then I say tell him but if you are serious about divorcing then just on and deal with divorcing.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

sokillme said:


> OK so the dude made a pass at you and you turned him down. If you stay with your husband then I say tell him but if you are serious about divorcing then just on and deal with divorcing.




You're right. I have no intentions of telling my husband, I'm divorcing him and that I'm really serious about. I've filed already so it's just a waiting game now. 

I just don't know why I would delete anything when I haven't anything to hide. Maybe I'm a little naive but I always put that down to people who are trying to cover their tracks. 

I think maybe I'm just feeling confused as this is a long time friend and I honestly don't know what he's playing at. I suppose I'm overthinking and I shouldn't really because I've already so much drama going on with the cheating soon to be ex.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

EunuchMonk said:


> Maybe the marriage isn't over. OP sounds like she is still cherishing thoughts of reconciliation. The filing is just a throw-him-off-his-perch move so that he can recommit. That's the way it comes across to me.




I don't do things for attention, I'm a mature adult. It might come across like that to you but I'm a honest person, too honest for my own good and don't believe that honest people need to delete things. That's not an honest person to me. If I wanted to be with my husband I would, I'm not in the financial position to waste money on solicitor fees and divorce proceedings just for a game. To me that's very immature and vindictive and that's not the type of person I am. 


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Hello!  

So your husband didn't contact you for a week or so, then he's being hanging out with old school chums without telling you? Hmm yeah, he can never seem to learn can he? 

Maybe it's for the best to go your separate ways. 
But give yourself some time before seeing someone new. 

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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Hello!
> 
> So your husband didn't contact you for a week or so, then he's being hanging out with old school chums without telling you? Hmm yeah, he can never seem to learn can he?
> 
> ...




Hi.

Exactly, he never learns! So fed up of it all. Oh I will, couldn't be near a guy just yet and won't be for a while.

Think all this has put me off them for the foreseeable future lol.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Guy, ugh! I hear ya!! I am recently divorced. Reading your post about your ex being heart broken and with other women reminded me of my ex, geesh!! I too have had several men contact me before and after the divorce. I see these men as friends but then they say all this crap like you have described. I realize my ex was just like these idiots that have contacted me and no doubt he was doing the same with other women. I hear there are guys in the world not like this. I am waiting yet to find one!!!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> Guy, ugh! I hear ya!! I am recently divorced. Reading your post about your ex being heart broken and with other women reminded me of my ex, geesh!! I too have had several men contact me before and after the divorce. I see these men as friends but then they say all this crap like you have described. I realize my ex was just like these idiots that have contacted me and no doubt he was doing the same with other women. I hear there are guys in the world not like this. I am waiting yet to find one!!!


OK Ladies, enough!

If you are unapproachable.........well, hello empty house, empty life.

Let them work for their supper. The one that will get through your defenses will be polished, patient and determined. He will be a player.

These guys? I dunno.

Give them some hope.......unless your cupboard is bare....absent any hope? :-(


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Loveontherocks said:


> You're right. I have no intentions of telling my husband, I'm divorcing him and that I'm really serious about. I've filed already so it's just a waiting game now.
> 
> I just don't know why I would delete anything when I haven't anything to hide. Maybe I'm a little naive but I always put that down to people who are trying to cover their tracks.
> 
> ...


I don't get what you are covering. You didn't do anything. You tried to be polite and then shot the guy down. I guess I don't understand why you feel guilty. I could see and would understand if you were trying to protect a marriage, but you have no marriage to protect. Even then the idea would be telling your husband that you are stopping contact with this guy because he disrespected you husband and the marriage, not because you did anything wrong.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> Guy, ugh! I hear ya!! I am recently divorced. Reading your post about your ex being heart broken and with other women reminded me of my ex, geesh!! I too have had several men contact me before and after the divorce. I see these men as friends but then they say all this crap like you have described. I realize my ex was just like these idiots that have contacted me and no doubt he was doing the same with other women. I hear there are guys in the world not like this. I am waiting yet to find one!!!




You're right, a lot of guys are like this unfortunately. Sorry to hear you've went through something similar, it's horrible. Don't give up hope, even though you haven't met the right guy yet doesn't mean he's not out there somewhere. 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I don't get what you are covering. You didn't do anything. You tried to be polite and then shot the guy down. I guess I don't understand why you feel guilty. I could see and would understand if you were trying to protect a marriage, but you have no marriage to protect. Even then the idea would be telling your husband that you are stopping contact with this guy because he disrespected you husband and the marriage, not because you did anything wrong.




I suppose that's true, didn't really look at it from that angle. The marriage is over, he knows that now but I've never deleted messages before, so just didn't want to do it. It wasn't because I'd anything to prove to my husband, it was more because if it ever came out i would never want him to think I would stoop to his level, I've always been better than that and then if they were deleted he wouldn't know. I think it's a pride thing with me.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I don't understand the aversion to deleting the conversation. Do you save any and all text messages you receive? Do you intend to refer back to his messages in the future? 

You state that he doesn't know your marriage is crumbling. I'd bet money he knows all about it. Your husband has probably been telling his tale of woe to just about anyone who will listen. I'm am often surprised that people think that news doesn't get around because they don't see any direct links. Churchill is credited with the statement, "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” The same goes for gossip, true or not. 

Sounds to me like this is a lonely, depressed man who heard you might be available. He tested the waters and found that you are not interested. He's likely embarrassed or worse in hindsight and would feel a little better if he knew the messages were gone. Maybe he is simply afraid your husband or father will see these messages and he will be facing an ass-whooping? If he is the "good person" you describe him as, why are you so averse to this request? 

If you are being honest that you are divorcing, it seems meaningless if your husband found out or not. If I were him and you showed me the text messages to prove you did nothing wrong, my overwhelming response would be to wonder why you had saved the conversation if you had done nothing wrong. If you think it is significant enough to save exculpatory evidence and that he has a right to an explanation of your activities, you shouldn't be waiting to see if he finds out somehow. You should be proactively informing him. If you feel he has no such right, there is no reason to save an alibi.

You can do as you like, but there is a reason you feel you need to keep this record and some possibilities have already been offered by other posters. Time for a little self-reflection.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

zookeeper said:


> I don't understand the aversion to deleting the conversation. Do you save any and all text messages you receive? Do you intend to refer back to his messages in the future?
> 
> You state that he doesn't know your marriage is crumbling. I'd bet money he knows all about it. Your husband has probably been telling his tale of woe to just about anyone who will listen. I'm am often surprised that people think that news doesn't get around because they don't see any direct links. Churchill is credited with the statement, "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” The same goes for gossip, true or not.
> 
> ...




Yes, in this day and age I do tend to keep messages, as it is not like before when devices could only hold a certain amount of messages. So really I've never felt the need to delete messages. I have messages on my phone that have been there a long time and I know many people who don't delete messages.

He doesn't know my marriage is crumbling as he's not close to my husband, my husband has no friends where we live, all his friends live abroad where he works, so I know he doesn't know my marital issues.

I say he's a nice person but now I'm doubting it because nice people know that married people are off limits. He won't get an ass kicking from my dad as my dad has recently passed away, my husband would have a cheek to try that after his own behaviour. I just think he's worried about his own ass, his partner finding out. I don't think I mentioned that in my original post but he's had a partner of five years.



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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Loveontherocks said:


> I suppose that's true, didn't really look at it from that angle. The marriage is over, he knows that now but I've never deleted messages before, so just didn't want to do it. It wasn't because I'd anything to prove to my husband, it was more because if it ever came out i would never want him to think I would stoop to his level, I've always been better than that and then if they were deleted he wouldn't know. I think it's a pride thing with me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Pride is good.

Pride is good, ask any Lioness!

Pry-Eyed is bad, ask the Peeping Tom who got caught!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Loveontherocks said:


> I say he's a nice person but now I'm doubting it because nice people know that married people are off limits. He won't get an ass kicking from my dad as my dad has recently passed away, my husband would have a cheek to try that after his own behaviour. I just think he's worried about his own ass, his partner finding out. I don't think I mentioned that in my original post but he's had a partner of five years.


Keep paying attention to the actions of these who show you who they truly are... your doubts are founded.

Heal first, while heeling others.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A little esoteric side note.

The break-up with your husband and a friend coming on to you........these are not separate, disparate incidents.

"Likely" same Uranian influence.

Be careful at this time....Madame!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Keeping the message makes it look like you're holding on to it for ego kibbles. Just delete the bloody thing since you were offended by his advances. Should your husband question why you deleted a message, tell him it offended you. Enough said.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Irish women are hot. It doesn't surprise me you have an admirer.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Pride is good.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Pride is good  


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> A little esoteric side note.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Oh I intend to be careful, I know I'm vulnerable but I do know a sleazy guy when I see one....and that friend was being a sleaze ball. He's of no interest to me.

For now no men are. 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Irish women are hot. It doesn't surprise me you have an admirer.




We are, plus we are good fun. I have had many admirers throughout my marriage but unlike my husband I took my wedding vows seriously lol. 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Keep paying attention to the actions of these who show you who they truly are... your doubts are founded.
> 
> 
> 
> Heal first, while heeling others.




I agree with this 100% sometimes in life we get our eyes opened and see people for what they truly are. 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Keeping the message makes it look like you're holding on to it for ego kibbles. Just delete the bloody thing since you were offended by his advances. Should your husband question why you deleted a message, tell him it offended you. Enough said.




I don't go around deleting any of my conversations, it's not like years ago when messages needed to be deleted for storage. 

I don't need an ego boost, he's not the first guy to hit on me and he won't be the last. My issue was that when I think of people deleting things it's usually because they have something to hide, I have nothing to hide. Don't care what my husband thinks but I would always want to be the better person, the person with nothing to hide.

The guy I'm question also has a partner so that's more than likely why he wanted me to delete the messages. 


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Keep it until after the divorce is finalized, then delete it. You can also forward it to the guy's partner, but I doubt you care enough to do so.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Keep it until after the divorce is finalized, then delete it. You can also forward it to the guy's partner, but I doubt you care enough to do so.




That's what I thought was the best option. You're right, I don't care enough to do so. I wouldn't want to create any problems for them, even though I detest cheating, she's not someone I am close enough with to inform her of it. If it was a family member or friends partner then I would let them know but in this case it's not my place.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Loveontherocks said:


> This is such a strange scenario, some of you know my story but for those of you who don't here's a summary (husband cheated four years ago, kept the extent of it hidden from me until recently and only came clean as I then found out via a third party) he couldn't take it that I was naturally upset as it happened so long ago and we fell out and I hadn't heard from him in almost two weeks (he works away)
> 
> Well today he got in touch, he's been devastated apparently but then I find out he was had a night out last weekend with his old school chums (there was also females in his company) which before recent events wouldn't have been an issue for me but I just thought that's not the actions of a distraught man and it didn't sit well with me. But he's been crying over the divorce and I really couldn't care less, I'm checking out, value my life too much to waste it.
> 
> ...


*This "stage door Johnny" sounds greatly like a "opportunist!" He seems far more suited in the prospects of selling you "humpers" than in selling "grams" nursing home "hampers," no matter who he historically knows from your family!

If you are ultimately going to leave your H over some act of infidelity in the recent past, you need time to reflect on your situation! This new guy seems like a an unneeded diversion to that entire process!

It's really just a tad too early to start thinking about "rebounding," wouldn't you say?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Keep paying attention to the actions of these who show you who they truly are... your doubts are founded.
> 
> Heal first, while *heeling* others.


I know you meant "healing".

But I like this spelling.

Any new male suitors need to be "heeled". As a pet owner does to a new puppy.

"Heel, boy!, Heel ! "

Naw, I hate that sentiment, when applied to men. But the funny bone, needed to be tickled.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> I know you meant "healing".
> 
> But I like this spelling.
> 
> ...


Actually, I didn't... I meant it just as it was written. :smile2:

If men were going to chat her up like dogs in heat then she needed to place herself in the mindful control of an unmindful circumstance.

Once she is free of her current relationship, she should treat any suitor who is interested in her while they are in a relationship with someone in "heel" status and be kept to the way they behave... behind in every path.

Men apply that statement to themselves, often in humor by those who see it clearly.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *This "stage door Johnny" sounds greatly like a "opportunist!" He seems far more suited in the prospects of selling you "humpers" than in selling "grams" nursing home "hampers," no matter who he historically knows from your family!
> 
> If you are ultimately going to leave your H over some act of infidelity in the recent past, you need time to reflect on your situation! This new guy seems like a an unneeded diversion to that entire process!
> 
> ...




Hi, yes you are right but nowhere in my original post did I give the impression I was at all interested, so rebounding doesn't come into it. I do not see this other man as a potential love interest, never have and never will. 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> I know you meant "healing".
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I liked the heel boy 


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Actually, I didn't... I meant it just as it was written. :smile2:
> 
> If men were going to chat her up like dogs in heat then she needed to place herself in the mindful control of an unmindful circumstance.
> 
> ...




You're right. Anyone who is in relationship isn't the type of man I want to attract. They are just as bad as the man I'm currently running away from. 


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Loveontherocks said:


> Hi, yes you are right but nowhere in my original post did I give the impression I was at all interested, so rebounding doesn't come into it. *I do not see this other man as a potential love interest, never have and never will.*
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yeah...but...

...whats wrong with a little pokey poke? He may not be handsome or your type, but you never know... he might be the Geronimo of Orgasms in the sack...

Could be fun.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Loveontherocks said:


> You're right. Anyone who is in relationship isn't the type of man I want to attract. They are just as bad as *the man I'm currently running away from*.


 I'm not running in fear,
I'm gonna stay right here!
I disregard your threat,
Because I have no regret!
I'm cutting your strings,
'Cause I've found my wings!
I'll fly through this storm,
Then you'll face my scorn!
So sit back and have your laugh,
I guarantee it'll be your last!
*not Running In Fear*

-Natasha Bolling-


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