# Dazed and confused



## SUZIWORD (Nov 11, 2010)

Hello, need some advice, or just to vent or something. I married my husband almost 2 years ago. We had a huge fight in October 2010 and he moved out and I decided I was going to divorce him. Well you know how things go and words go during that time. We both said some horrible hurtful things to each other and probably should have never been repeated to anyone, but they were. Which made even worse hard feelings between my sons, my family and him. So, Christmas was horrible, Christmas Eve whole family goes to moms, I am not allowed to go with him and he was off so I didn't go. We are going to have Christmas this week. Anyway, youngest son living with grandma and she was saying he needed to come, etc., he told her under no certain terms would he come home. He hates my husband and will move somewhere else. Anyway she said he could stay. I guess my question is...am I a bad mother b/c I chose him over them? What am I suppose to do give him up for them all of them? I am so totally confused as to what my role is where my loyalities lay. What do I do?!? I know the stress is about to get the best of me. I am just a lost soul! Thanks for listening!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Well, that's a choice for you to make. I will say for me, my first loyalty is to my sons (ages 9 & 7). I gave them life, it is my responsibility to make sure they have a good life, not spent with a man who resents them, hates them, or makes them feel bad. 

At the same time, though, my boyfriend comes before the rest of my family. It's not that I am not loyal to my family, but that I am looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with. If I love him and I am happy with him, and he treats me well, and treats my children well, then it really doesn't matter to me if the rest of my family likes him. 

As my children get older...it's not that I'll be less loyal to them, exactly. But...they will be working toward a life very separate from me, one in which they live on their own, and eventually have wives and children of their own, and I'm only a secondary figure in their lives. At that point, I want someone to share my life with, and I should not have to base it on how they feel about him. 

What exactly was said? Is it stuff that he can just explain that he was angry and apologize and with time it will get better, or is it major, unforgivable stuff that there's just no way to make it any better? If it's major, then I would have to wonder how you could choose to stay with someone who would say horrible things about you and/or your children. But again, it is your choice.


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## SUZIWORD (Nov 11, 2010)

Thanks for the post. My sons are grown, 25, 23 and 18, so basically they are making a life of their own and I totally agree with that and I know that I will come "second" to their family and really that is the way it should be. He said some very hurtful things, but I do realize he was very anger and hurt, b/c it was like I just sprung it on him that I wanted a divorce, etc. I am not saying its all my fault and he is not blameless, but in his defense he was at work and I texted him and told him to get out. So, he was very angry. 

I keep thinking that in time it will get better and I guess it could its only been like a month and a half. 

Its just crazy how things got so blown out of proportion.


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