# Sex After the divorce talk



## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

OK, so i already posted before about "thinking" about a divrce. Now i am at the point where i told her i wanted a divorce. It was hard...We have been through it many times already but this time i think i stuck to my guns. We are going to do discernment counseling next week.

Anyway, this post is not about talking me off the ledge and bringing me back to my wife. 

I just want vent and hear other people.

So after the talk, we were upset, then very calm. She asked if i am still attracted to her. Ofcourse, she is very sexy. So when we already planned to sleep in other rooms this night, she comes down stairs and ask if im going to sleep downstairs. I told her I thought thats what we agreed on. She cried a little bit. Sat there for a while. And went back upstairs. My plans were to masterbate while she was gone. 

Although i feel very strongly about my decision to separate, i still do care about her well-being. I did go up to the room with no intentions to have sex. I promise. There was too much tension going on in our heads and i was not going to even go there.

Then, to assure her that she is attractive, I simply told her. I did assure that i still think its best to divorce.

I thought that would kill any chance of her wanted to have sex.

Well, we ended up doing it. She proceeding to go down on me and i told her not to. At the time i didnt know if this was a "make-up" sex or a "break-up" sex. I was confused but as you are getting a ride like that all night it is hard to concentrate. Well not all night. We both finished pretty damn quick.

Now is the confusing part. I feel the same about our marriage. Not sure what she is feeling. I looked at the sex act as just a no-strings attached release. We didnt talk mmuch after that.

So has anyone been through this? sex right after the divorce talk? was i wrong? should i have said no?


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Lofeshort said:


> OK, so i already posted before about "thinking" about a divrce. Now i am at the point where i told her i wanted a divorce. It was hard...We have been through it many times already but this time i think i stuck to my guns. We are going to do discernment counseling next week.
> 
> Anyway, this post is not about talking me off the ledge and bringing me back to my wife.
> 
> ...


Well, the first question would be, why do you want a divorce? As for the break up or make up sex, I've never had that with my STBXW, but I had the make up sex with the one prior; it was nice.

She may be trying to keep you around with sex. Hoping that it would change your mind. When I asked my STBXW to leave and separate, she was pretty pissed off. So, it depends on the person really. She may just be trying to hold on to her husband by the currency that she feels will work on you; sex.


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

Almost-Done said:


> Well, the first question would be, why do you want a divorce? As for the break up or make up sex, I've never had that with my STBXW, but I had the make up sex with the one prior; it was nice.
> 
> 
> 
> She may be trying to keep you around with sex. Hoping that it would change your mind. When I asked my STBXW to leave and separate, she was pretty pissed off. So, it depends on the person really. She may just be trying to hold on to her husband by the currency that she feels will work on you; sex.




Why I want a divorce. Simply put, I don't love anymore and I'm not happy. I feel it's beyond repair. Counseling didn't change my thoughts and I've selfishly given up- I can admit that, sorry.

She was super pissed, trust me. Maybe she was trying to win me back, not sure. Or maybe she was just horny. Or maybe she needed the confidence boost. 

I hope I'm not just adding more confusion to her. Which I know is probably the case. 

Tell me, why are you getting a divorce?


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Read up on hysterical bonding.

Most of what I found is related to sex after an affair but I don't think it has to be.

It's more about a couple in crisis desperately trying to hold it together.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I take it that the primary cause for the dissolution of your marriage was not infidelity related.*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Lofeshort said:


> Why I want a divorce. Simply put, I don't love anymore and I'm not happy. I feel it's beyond repair. Counseling didn't change my thoughts and I've selfishly given up- I can admit that, sorry.
> 
> She was super pissed, trust me. Maybe she was trying to win me back, not sure. Or maybe she was just horny. Or maybe she needed the confidence boost.
> 
> ...


It's probably many things all confusingly wrapped up together. But many women (not all, but stereotypically most) believe that sex means love, so she may have been trying to prove that she still loved you, and also getting the message that you still loved her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

All I can say is if like to know a better reason for the lack of love. Surely there's a reason.

I also think it's hysterical bonding.

If you want a divorce, you should simply move out and not put your wife through this. If she's hysterical bonding, what you're doing should be criminal. You're hurting her horrendously.

If you don't have some definite reasons for the lack of love, then shame on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lofeshort said:


> Why I want a divorce. Simply put, I don't love anymore and I'm not happy. I feel it's beyond repair. Counseling didn't change my thoughts and I've selfishly given up- I can admit that, sorry.
> 
> She was super pissed, trust me. Maybe she was trying to win me back, not sure. Or maybe she was just horny. Or maybe she needed the confidence boost.
> 
> ...


 is there anyone else on the scene?


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

Anyone else? M I cheating??? No


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lofeshort said:


> Anyone else? M I cheating??? No
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


 is there anyone else that you have your eyes on. Someone that has taken your focus off you wife, maybe an emotional affair?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mclane said:


> Read up on hysterical bonding.
> 
> Most of what I found is related to sex after an affair but I don't think it has to be.
> 
> It's more about a couple in crisis desperately trying to hold it together.


Threadjack: How much would it cost to get you to change your avatar?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Telling her you want a divorce and then having sex with her sends a confusing message. So if you really do want a divorce, stop having sex with her. Otherwise, she may end up feeling used.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Lofeshort said:


> Tell me, why are you getting a divorce?


Check my threads, our marriage totally fell apart on all levels.


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## Lofeshort (May 9, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> is there anyone else that you have your eyes on. Someone that has taken your focus off you wife, maybe an emotional affair?




No not at all


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

I would agree with Openminded. If you wanted the divorce, truly wanted the divorce, you shouldn't of had sex. You should just pac k up, move out and file for divorce.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

oh the irony. He dumps his wife and gets sex. Many of us loved our wives and were sexless for years...


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## Chills22 (May 12, 2016)

I would love to have sex with my stbxw one more time. I don't even really remember the last time we had sex and took it for granted. You quickly regret all the times you didn't hold her, kiss her, or make love to her when you no longer have the opportunity.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

philreag said:


> oh the irony. He dumps his wife and gets sex. Many of us loved our wives and were sexless for years...


Dye your pubes blond.

And after your wife sees what you have done, maybe, just maybe she will do the hysterical blonding with you... just thinking.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

I had the divorce talk with my H and we've had sex twice since....I'll admit...it was extremely guilt laden on my part. I have been thwarting off advances since these past two occasions.

While I want sex immensely....I know what having sex with him is doing to him emotionally and honestly I'm just tired of all the hurt and pain on both sides.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Threadjack: How much would it cost to get you to change your avatar?


I had several requests to change it.

2 came from the moderators, and those weren't really "requests". 

One actually said that I was putting epileptics at risk for a seizure.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

Chills22 said:


> I would love to have sex with my stbxw one more time. I don't even really remember the last time we had sex and took it for granted. You quickly regret all the times you didn't hold her, kiss her, or make love to her when you no longer have the opportunity.


I'm getting so I don't really want to have sex with my STBXW. Even though I am still attracted to her, I don't want to re-live the insecurity and/or rejection. I just think back to the emotional abuse and sexless marriage and I don't really want to have sex with her any more. 

She's also lost weight and her best 'asset' is gone.

If we did have sex it would feel strange to try to rekindle passion with someone you have been with for 10 years. The memories, good and bad, are still there.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Strange to me... I didn't have sex with STBX for almost 5 years before I separated.... have no plans of having sex with her again. 

I always thought if couples were still able to have sex, they had a good chance of fixing stuff.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Anyone having sex with a STBX is playing with fire. I've know people to have no issues with it. but then I've seen it drive one or the other emotionally over the edge to where they lashed out with false claims of DV and/or rape. Unexpected pregnancies. All sorts of fun stuff.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Almost-Done said:


> I would agree with Openminded. If you wanted the divorce, truly wanted the divorce, you shouldn't of had sex. You should just pac k up, move out and file for divorce.


Agree. It least you can do for her. Keep it simple, get D finished quickly, do all the leg work. Keep a clear and uniform message about why you are leaving. Try to explain your feelings why you think there is no way back if she asks.

Regarding your decision, how was your communication in marriage? I wouldn't mind betting you didn't have a clear, rational and heartfelt connection when you discussed the difficult things. 

If you aren't capable of that now, you will have the same problems in the future.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

GuyInColorado said:


> Strange to me... I didn't have sex with STBX for almost 5 years before I separated.... have no plans of having sex with her again.
> 
> I always thought if couples were still able to have sex, they had a good chance of fixing stuff.


That's the way it worked for us.

We had a 3 year separation and we had as much sex while separated than we do now. And, the sex while separated was more passionate.

Walking on the edge will do that to you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Lofeshort said:


> So has anyone been through this? sex right after the divorce talk? was i wrong? should i have said no?


I had something similar once the decision was made and I told her that it is finally real. We rarely had sex anyway, but somehow this triggered her to actually initiate for a short time. She even wanted to try things that she'd never had interest in trying before - she said she might never trust anyone else enough to ever try, and even though we were splitting up, she still trusted me.

This whole thing lasted about a week, and then I moved to the other room.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I have zero experience in this realm, so I will just speak as a woman. This would definitely confuse me. It would not be a good thing for me.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Amazing how some of you were able to have sex after serving divorce papers. I laid out my e-mail to the battle axe in a detailed manner, and the next day she just changed all of her social media names back to her maiden name. No response. Heck, she's still not even got a lawyer. Yet you guys are able to have sex with your soon to be divorced wives. I don't understand.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Almost-Done said:


> Amazing how some of you were able to have sex after serving divorce papers. I laid out my e-mail to the battle axe in a detailed manner, and the next day she just changed all of her social media names back to her maiden name. No response. Heck, she's still not even got a lawyer. Yet you guys are able to have sex with your soon to be divorced wives. I don't understand.


This is a good post as this thread is going to spur men to try to divorce their wives to try to get laid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Strange to me... I didn't have sex with STBX for almost 5 years before I separated.... have no plans of having sex with her again.
> 
> I always thought if couples were still able to have sex, they had a good chance of fixing stuff.


Sex was never an issue for us. Maybe cause of her personality disorder, or she is a sexed up alpha or who knows, but it was never an issue. Still getting divorced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Herschel said:


> This is a good post as this thread is going to spur men to try to divorce their wives to try to get laid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If that is what they need to do to get laid, then the marriage is over anyway. Miss the times when marriage meant something to people. I blame pop culture and no fault. Thanks Gov/Pres. Regan. He's the one who first passed no fault in California. Just a shame.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

ReturntoZero said:


> That's the way it worked for us.
> 
> We had a 3 year separation and we had as much sex while separated than we do now. And, the sex while separated was more passionate.
> 
> Walking on the edge will do that to you.





Married but Happy said:


> I had something similar once the decision was made and I told her that it is finally real. We rarely had sex anyway, but somehow this triggered her to actually initiate for a short time. She even wanted to try things that she'd never had interest in trying before - she said she might never trust anyone else enough to ever try, and even though we were splitting up, she still trusted me.
> 
> This whole thing lasted about a week, and then I moved to the other room.


Hysterical bonding?

One spouse trying to change the other one's mind about ending the marriage?

Reaction to the stress-reduction of knowing there's resolution to the bad marriage in sight?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Hysterical bonding?
> 
> One spouse trying to change the other one's mind about ending the marriage?
> 
> Reaction to the stress-reduction of knowing there's resolution to the bad marriage in sight?


In our case, we simply could not reconcile how to live together with her children present.

Now that they're out of the house, she came back.

I've never been so thankful for her ex. The fool pays their rent, their gas money, their car insurance, etc.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

ReturntoZero said:


> In our case, we simply could not reconcile how to live together with her children present.
> 
> Now that they're out of the house, she came back.
> 
> I've never been so thankful for her ex. The fool pays their rent, their gas money, their car insurance, etc.


Oh, so it wasn't so much a break-up in the relationship, but just a matter of being unable to live together yet. I'm not sure I'd call that a separation headed for divorce.


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