# Inappropriate text from wife to man at work



## northofus (Aug 12, 2012)

Inappropriate text from wife to man at work

So heres the the story and some advice from people would be appreciated.

April - June I was letting my wife have coffee and talk to another man (single, same age) as a friend from work, ive met him at dinners (tried to set him up with other people). Coffee might involve other people or the two of them. If they saw each other at the gym then they would work out together and she would tell me, which is cool, communication. I also knew that there was some communication going on as well (as friends), hes from South America so hes more open and she told me she was trying to set him up with other people (hes bisexual). Sharing of books etc. I know I know, but im not going to live my life if i cant have 100% faith in my mate and our love.

I thought we had a good marriage was having lots of sex, and showing signs of love (going out of your way to make her happy), send flowers etc etc. BUT Im not an emotional touchy feely person always holding on to you 100% of the time, people need some space (but i do show affection) and hes more spiritual (Buddha Earth kind of way) (which she says she was attracted too) and maybe I could have listened to her needs more. Sometimes i sleep in the basement, Ive had some childhood trauma so sometimes i think i need to be alone and i told her everything about it.

Anyhow July 1st I said enough is enough and I wanted her to come clean because I felt a change in her love to me. She said hes just a friend and said no problem to letting him go. BUT Ive known her for many years (11 years married and 5 years dating) I felt it in my bones she was lying but she still didnt want to talk about it and I never pushed her to see any of the text, facebook etc. I know I know

So I found these text 2 weeks ago by total accident. (after the no contact do you want to ruin our marriage talk) (from July 22nd to July 28th). I told her i was in her email to look for banking info and saw that he posted in her facebook. So I asked why if its over and would like to see. She refused then after 5 min she said go ahead look.

From her: with other ones (not going to post) that she did during the last two weekends which were family vacations, I wont bore you. She says it started to change directions in June.

“I wanted to thank you for helping me find my keys the other day... I was plesantly surprised to see you come in when you did (as your meeting was cancelled... lucky for me) You see, we are in sync!!! It seems you are always helping me... Is there anything I could do for you??”

“Finally, if a spiritual connection is what you sought, you know you already have my heart and soul (i'm sorry if i love perceiving with my senses... But don't worry I won't jump your bones!!! He! He!)I really hope we reconnect later, but most of all, I hope that we don't loose our current connection, as spiritual beings and earthly friends” “ With lots of love xoxo”

Him (he hardly messages her)
You are not only my friend but i feel you are my family. It hit me deeply knowing that we will have to refrain ourselves from expressing our feelings…. I would have loved to become part of your life… of your human existence you are in my heart and will always be there ) ALWAYS…. in that very special place where meaningful people live…… i will NEVER forget you.. EVER, EVER…

Being distant from you would cause me A LOT OF pain.

Her reply -
Hola!!!!! Hola!!!!

Keep messaging baby! I love it !!!!!
I hope you enjoy your massage, as I am sure you could use it!!!! I like her for the quality of the massage...just make sure to tell her to go deep! I also like her because she does not talk too much.... Allowing you to enjoy!!!! She's a great lady!!!
Enjoy!!!!!
LOL,

Then she was planning a trip to see him “as a friend” in Toronto at a conference. She was texting him beside me in the car and asking me about which date to come home and I didnt even know what she was doing.
“However, i just realized that i won't stay in Toronto, unless you promise to do something with me on Saturday afertoon and evening !!”

“If your still in TO, can you check if there is anything going on Sat. Nov. 17rh? And could you let me know if that works for you or not ASAP, as i need to book my flight, conference etc... Thanks again my dear friend”

He never replied

It was more one sided on her part with him hardly replying and he also started seeing someone.

Anyhow confused about everything. Any advice. She even invited him to our house for my birthday party on July 1st, I knew something was up when he couldnt look me in the eyes and shake my hand like a man.
A little flirting on the side or emotional affair. She did say that she told him after are talk on July 1st that she would never cheat on me physically and would sometimes talk about me.
How worried should i be?? She says its now done and seems relieved about it but she said this before and can it be that easy??????


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

northofus said:


> Inappropriate text from wife to man at work
> 
> So heres the the story and some advice from people would be appreciated.
> 
> ...


I stopped commenting on individual things because this is an extreme situation now as she is planning ways to meet with him.

Instigation, Isolation and Escalation.

Instigation -- The realtionship was instigated by one or both as they were attracted to each other.

Isolation -- She was trying to isolate herself with him away from you ... to cheat without appropach anxiety.

Escalation -- She is pushing to escalate, escalate and escalate.

Inappropriate -> Unfaithful -> Cheating

I actully see her urgency to be isolated with him on a trip as already into the realm of Cheating behavior.

Hope this helps. You have a very small window to shut this down and save you marriage. There can be no compromise here.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Entropy said it all. Follow his advice.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Coud she have deleted some of the texts? And this guy seems to be a little self conceited and delusional. Some new-gae bull**** he speaks. Maybe you could approach him to forward the texts between the two ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Also what phone does she have? Is it locked? You can retrieve deleted texts from most smart phones. Also, check the sent folder from her mail. All rights for privacy are temporarily rescinded for now. Also phone records.


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## northofus (Aug 12, 2012)

thanks for the replies, this is all new too me and trying to learn and get feedback. Entropy Im the guy who is smiling (was) and my students are always asking why im so happy, but people always have issues to deal with i guess, im by no means doom and gloom.

Yeah she deleted all the texts and facebook messages (i never asked to see them July 1st, hindsight bad idea but i had a trust in her) shes always been so firm on moral commitment of marriage but the ones i stumbled upon after a family trip looking for banking contact in her email. What a way to get home and find out she was texting another man about our trip???? Sh(t i would have bet 11 years ago i would falter not her, i though she was solid.

What i dont get is, was i supposed to say no to everything, which doesnt seem like a healthy relationship. Also that night i texted him and said that this was not healthy and to back off and he called me immature and its a miss understanding.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Emotional affairs can start so quickly, sometimes we don't know we are in one until our spouse starts to complain. This happened to me. I thought by sharing all of the conversations and information me and the OM had with my H, it was okay, it was legal. All that did was heighten my husband's suspicions. 

The bi-sexual thing? Don't buy it. 

Some people (me once upon a time) think that if you don't touch, it is not an affair. But she is giving her emotions to someone else and you feel the withdrawl. Just realize she is viewing this man as a knight in shining armor. Her "hero." She is living in la la land. I lived there once, it was great at first and then started to turn into hell. 

You gotta let her know she is making a huge mistake here. She cannot have you AND a romantic fantasy affair with another man. But beware. When my husband put his foot down and tried to end my fun fantasy life, I resented him and viewed him as a father telling me what to do. 

She will regret this one day and see how stupid she was behaving and how hurtful she was. You may or may not be around by then. She is treading some dangerous waters and needs to know this is a BIG deal.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

northofus said:


> thanks for the replies, this is all new too me and trying to learn and get feedback. Entropy Im the guy who is smiling (was) and my students are always asking why im so happy, but people always have issues to deal with i guess, im by no means doom and gloom.
> 
> Yeah she deleted all the texts and facebook messages (i never asked to see them July 1st, hindsight bad idea but i had a trust in her) shes always been so firm on moral commitment of marriage but the ones i stumbled upon after a family trip looking for banking contact in her email. What a way to get home and find out she was texting another man about our trip???? Sh(t i would have bet 11 years ago i would falter not her, i though she was solid.
> 
> What i dont get is, was i supposed to say no to everything, which doesnt seem like a healthy relationship. Also that night i texted him and said that this was not healthy and to back off and he called me immature and its a miss understanding.


Wait a minute. This D!CK had the nerve to call you immature? Nice morals, what a great guy! How are you able to not go out and find this jerk and punch him in the face?


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## northofus (Aug 12, 2012)

well suffice to say we've been talking about it and she does say it was stupid and over but we've done that before. 
And the bi thing is true, he believes you can connect with anyone regardless of gender i thought he was gay the first time i met him. Im a fit athletic get on the podium kind of guy and hes the total opposite. 
She says its done like its a light switch, she never stopped loving me, wants me, you know the drill, can it be over as quick as it started?????


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## northofus (Aug 12, 2012)

yeah im acting immature and to show him and his current partner some respect and that he would like to talk to me to clear the confusion in my head. That night i seriously thought i was going insane, i was living in upside down world.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

It can be over quickly if one of the people stops participating. I just stopped responding to the OM's emails and texts. The OM was NOT happy about this and I was scared he would do something drastic (he said he fell in love with me). 

Ya know, he found me eight years later while doing a google search on my name and found out where I worked. I was the web master so my name, email, and phone number was on the web site. Freaked me out. He is still trying to get me to do "do it again." So you gotta find out how serious this thing is. 

I don't mean to scare you, but I had to tell you the whole story so you understand that this can really be devastating if your wife doesn't knock it off NOW. 

The fact that he shows no remorse for you is troubling. If he were a real man, he would have backed off when you contacted him. He's not a good guy. Have you tried to tell your wife this man is a piece of crap? Does she see it or does she come to his defense.

Oh, and when my H met the OM, he thought he was gay too.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She deleted them? I wouldn't trust her. You are naive to a fault.


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## northofus (Aug 12, 2012)

"Oh, and when my H met the OM, he thought he was gay too." made me laugh
Yeah i told her July 1st that i was getting bad vibes from him and im a guys guy so i said hes up to no good and that she should watch out and stop him as a friend and she agreed, I think she called him a manipulating snake or something like that and seemed really negative towards him. I guess i wouldnt be at this point if it stopped there but like a said it started up two weeks later, "I thought I could make it work as friends" again upside down world.

She did say hes intimidated by me and was afraid of my reaction, i guess time will tell if its a true shutdown on both parts.

cheers


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You would also benefit from read the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass--a nationally recognized researcher on infidelity. Her book covers emotional affairs from every angle, like no other. Excerpts on google books are linked in my signature, but you will quickly see that you want to read the whole thing. You can also get it at most libraries.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> he called me immature


Ah man... that would be facial re-arrangement time... Gotta love these new age Buddhist in contact with nature useless bums trying to hit on a married women. They seem to be in a real hurry to see what nirvana is all about.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

northofus said:


> thanks for the replies, this is all new too me and trying to learn and get feedback. Entropy Im the guy who is smiling (was) and my students are always asking why im so happy, but people always have issues to deal with i guess, im by no means doom and gloom.
> 
> Yeah she deleted all the texts and facebook messages (i never asked to see them July 1st, hindsight bad idea but i had a trust in her) shes always been so firm on moral commitment of marriage but the ones i stumbled upon after a family trip looking for banking contact in her email. What a way to get home and find out she was texting another man about our trip???? Sh(t i would have bet 11 years ago i would falter not her, i though she was solid.
> 
> What i dont get is, was i supposed to say no to everything, which doesnt seem like a healthy relationship. Also that night i texted him and said that this was not healthy and to back off and he called me immature and its a miss understanding.


You should have said no to all that you posted about.
But for sure this was a methodical escalation. These things have momentum. The biggest issue with these things is that by the time you notice there might be an issue the momentum is very hard to stop. So action has to be taken very firmly and quickly.

A man telling me to back off about my wife would ot fair very well sir. This was a bold gesture on his part to convince you to back off.

Typically one is called jealous, isecure and controlling. Those folks will on occasion use the terms childish, immature and neandrathal. Like one is to supposed to be mature and ok with sharing ones wife. This is unhealthy.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He called you immature to get you to back off his seduction of your wife. He plans to bed her soon and he thinks his chances are pretty good. Based on what I'm reading here and based on your naïveté I tend to agree with him. It won't be long. Oh, by the way....they'll be taking it underground now that they know you're watching.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your wife is the main issue here. She's breaching whatever marriage boundary that are currently in place. To stop, you must enforce that boundary, only if the *both *of you wants the marriage to continue.


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## surfryhder (Aug 13, 2012)

I am going to chime in and say this is way over the line.....I know I cannot offer much but more validation that you should not have to feel like your in the wrong for feeling the way you do...
Cheers..


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

And don't be too trusting. You seem to go overboard with this trust even if red flags are waving right in your face. It is one thing to be oblivious and to be blindsided


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

OK,

1) She is in an emotional affair, cheating (yes, cheating!) on you
2) She lies about breaking it off
3) She plans on a rendezvous in Toronto

And you just believe it is all over and everything is fine... NOT. There have been no consequences. You need 100% transparency. You both need to read "Not Just Friends," by Shirely Glass, and you should consider some marriage couselling to sort out why your wife's boundries are so broken.

If you sweep this under the rug like nothing happened, you will have further problems down the line.

Good luck.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

this guy is a slick player ....know what to text/say to women ...all the mushy stuff like we are connected and you will always have a place in my heart bla,blas,bla....straight out of a romance novel...

yep your wife bought it hook line and sinker. and I'll bet hes alreadt working on his next victim. probley has one in every town.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

northofus said:


> She did say hes intimidated by me and was afraid of my reaction, i guess time will tell if its a true shutdown on both parts.
> 
> cheers


He's not intimidated at all. He knows you know exactly what game he is up to, and he wants her help is hiding it from you.

This guy is playing a very common players game - talking about her emotions, being their to help her try to understand why her husband just doesn't appreciate her or spiritually get her like she deserves - like he does.

A classic line is "I don't see why he can't see the obvious in you. You're so deeply spiritual and open, it's like he is trying to not see it. Or maybe he doesn't want to see it because he'll feel threatened by it? I just don't know. When I looked at you the very first time I saw it, how could he not get it after all this time with you? I know I'd still be seeing it...."

you get the drift right?

This guy has got to completely go immediately - and especially no trips to see him.

Be on the watch for any secret email accounts and burner phones. He won't go easily I think - you're going to have to be vigilant for a long time.

Meanwhile get her a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and read it with her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, and don't accept her falsely saying she's ending it with him - "trust" but verify.

I suggest a keylogger on the home PC immediately.


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