# Need Advice...Friend Having a EA



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Here's whats going on.
My best friend has just bragged to me about an EA that he's having with a woman 15 years younger than him. I'm devastated.
Both parties are married and have children. My friend knows about everything I've been through and he helped me get through my W's last PA.
I am really torn about what to do. I have voiced my opposition to his behavior but that has not stopped it.
He no longer shows me the pics she sends, which made me SICK, but continues to chat with this woman.
I really would like to let the OW's husband know before a PA destroys both families.
I have know idea how to let the guy know, anonymously?
Or should I leave it all alone?....It's not my business...
I hate what my friend is doing to this other man! I lived it..


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think you need to find a new best friend.

Maybe let him know that you are against all cheating and that you can't associate with him any longer. Sounds like you already told him you are against it.

When I was in college, I cheated on a girl friend. My best friend pulled me aside and asked me if I told my girlfriend. I said I had not. He told me that unless I did, he was going to. I ended up telling my girlfriend what had happened. 

I respect my best friend for standing up for his principles. They are my principles now as well. That was 35 years ago.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Since he is talking to you about this, *why* is he having an emotional affair? What does he say is motivating him?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

uhtred said:


> Since he is talking to you about this, *why* is he having an emotional affair? What does he say is motivating him?


He says his wife is not giving him the sex he needs or the attention.
She is beautiful and he tells me that it's just about having sex with her.(OW) I know there's more to it.
He is quite beta and it seems to me that this makes him feel powerful.
Everyone knows where I stand. 
She's 150 miles away and they have not had sex yet......I want to stop it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It may not be something you can ask, but any idea why his wife isn't having sex with him? 

Having been in a long term very low sex relationship, I can say that the temptation to cheat is very high. Its easy to get in the mind set that if your partner is constantly turning you down, how can they complain if you find sex somewhere else. 




StillSearching said:


> He says his wife is not giving him the sex he needs or the attention.
> She is beautiful and he tells me that it's just about having sex with her.(OW) I know there's more to it.
> He is quite beta and it seems to me that this makes him feel powerful.
> Everyone knows where I stand.
> She's 150 miles away and they have not had sex yet......I want to stop it.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

StillSearching said:


> He says his wife is not giving him the sex he needs or the attention.
> She is beautiful and he tells me that it's just about having sex with her.(OW) I know there's more to it.
> He is quite beta and it seems to me that this makes him feel powerful.
> Everyone knows where I stand.
> She's 150 miles away and they have not had sex yet......I want to stop it.


Your friend has now made you an accomplice in the mess. Keep his secret and your aiding the affair. 

Tell his wife somehow. It'll wreck your friendship but if/when his wife finds out the friendship will most likely be toast anyway, don't tell and you'll probably end the friendship instead of watching him wreck his marriage and hurt his wife and kids like this. 

Your friend is also most likely getting played, the OW is much younger, prettier....out of his league? He's chasing the fantasy and these things never turn out good. Whether his wife is having sex with him or not at the moment is irrelevant, that's an excuse and that's a problem he must solve within his marriage, not chase someone else as a distraction from the problem.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I'm looking for advice as to what to do about it.
I'm well aware of the consequences. I'd like to let the OM know anonymously.
Has anyone been in my position?
What did you do?
I know the OMs facebook profile, but don't have his email address.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

SadSamIAm said:


> I think you need to find a new best friend.
> 
> Maybe let him know that you are against all cheating and that you can't associate with him any longer. Sounds like you already told him you are against it.
> 
> ...


This is perfect.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Why anonymously? 

Letting him know you told OM, allows him and others to see where you stand on this. It shows your morals and values to others. I would be proud of that. 

Why hide your convictions?

Just my opinion ...


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

1. Kick your friend in the balls. 
2. Tell him to tell his wife, or you will. Man up. he's not your friend if he won't do it.
3. Tell him to divorce his wife if he finds other women more interesting than her. 
3. Ditto to OW, if you know her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dump your friend.

Expose the affair to his wife.

Leave it to her expose to OWH — and I say that because she’ll have a much easier time finding him than you will.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

StillSearching said:


> I'm looking for advice as to what to do about it.
> I'm well aware of the consequences. I'd like to let the OM know anonymously.
> Has anyone been in my position?
> What did you do?
> I know the OMs facebook profile, but don't have his email address.


If you have his name and know where (as in city/county), you can find his address online using property tax records.

Unless, of course, he doesn’t own any property.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

StillSearching said:


> He says his wife is not giving him the sex he needs or the attention.


Just be aware that this is one of those things a WS will say, may even tell themselves, in order to justify the affair. It may, or may not, be true in actual fact. It's called re-writing the marital history, and some WS's are quiet adept at it. It turned out that my now ex-husband had a good number of people convinced that we'd been in a completely sexless marriage for years, despite our having enthusiastic and engaged sex 4-5 times per week even after nearly 20 years together. It simply benefited him to have people think I was frigid. Running around on a good wife seems so much worse than running around on a bad one. He was running around, so he needed for me to fill the bad wife role, even if I wasn't one. 

There's also the possibility that she might not be enthused about sex with him right now because he's acting like a typical WS. He may be expressing excessive criticism, annoyance, impatience, coldness, anger, contempt, etc.. All of which would be common for someone who's decided they like this new AP much more than they like the old spouse. Especially since they've likely suddenly decided that BS is boring, stupid, nagging, needy, cold-hearted, sexually repressed and/or unattractive - and, mostly, in the way of them having that happily ever after with their AP. 

So, while their marriage might have plenty of legitimate issues, do take anything he says about his wife with a large grain of salt. He has plenty of reasons to make everything seem like all her fault, while he paints himself as the victim who's just looking for the loving compassion he's not getting at home.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SadSamIAm said:


> I think you need to find a new best friend.
> 
> Maybe let him know that you are against all cheating and that you can't associate with him any longer. Sounds like you already told him you are against it.
> 
> ...


Yep. Also remember if they an betray the person the created an entire life with, they can betray you too. They are actually dangerous people.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Rowan said:


> Just be aware that this is one of those things a WS will say, may even tell themselves, in order to justify the affair. It may, or may not, be true in actual fact. It's called re-writing the marital history, and some WS's are quiet adept at it. It turned out that my now ex-husband had a good number of people convinced that we'd been in a completely sexless marriage for years, despite our having enthusiastic and engaged sex 4-5 times per week even after nearly 20 years together. It simply benefited him to have people think I was frigid. Running around on a good wife seems so much worse than running around on a bad one. He was running around, so he needed for me to fill the bad wife role, even if I wasn't one.
> 
> There's also the possibility that she might not be enthused about sex with him right now because he's acting like a typical WS. He may be expressing excessive criticism, annoyance, impatience, coldness, anger, contempt, etc.. All of which would be common for someone who's decided they like this new AP much more than they like the old spouse. Especially since they've likely suddenly decided that BS is boring, stupid, nagging, needy, cold-hearted, sexually repressed and/or unattractive - and, mostly, in the way of them having that happily ever after with their AP.
> 
> So, while their marriage might have plenty of legitimate issues, do take anything he says about his wife with a large grain of salt. He has plenty of reasons to make everything seem like all her fault, while he paints himself as the victim who's just looking for the loving compassion he's not getting at home.


In all my years coming and going here I have never heard it put so eloquently or more poignantly. WS fog..
Perfect!!
I believe you're dead on with this. He has a hot wife and 2 great kids. 
I don't want to be the one to blow his family up.
I just want to stop the affair...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Yep. Also remember if they an betray the person the created an entire life with, they can betray you too. They are actually dangerous people.


Dam!...he does know my wife has a propensity to spread for other guys....good point.


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