# Not Sure What to Do...



## FelineFelicity (Aug 30, 2012)

Hi all. I'm 23, been married just over a year to a man I've been with for almost 5 years now.

Not sure where to start with this. Aside from a few months here and there, I have been in a relationship with someone pretty consistently since I was 16. I met my husband our first year of college and we have been together ever since.

During our first year, I kept having doubts about whether I was in love with him or not. Felt attracted to other guys. But every time I tried to break things off, we just ended up back together. 

Things started smoothing out, I went on birth control, and he asked me to marry him. I said yes. There were guys after I got engaged who liked me, but I always cut off contact. I still had worries that I was getting into the marriage for the safety and security, and to make my husband happy (all reasons, but not good ones I think).

Less than a year after our wedding, I went off of birth control because I felt dead on it - no emotion whatsoever. However, I started getting those doubts again about whether I was in love with my husband or not, and a few months later, just over a year after our wedding, I ended up cheating on my husband with a guy I met 11 years ago via the internet. We never had met in person until that point, and after it happened I cut off contact and told my husband about it.

He has been wonderful. Willing to do whatever it takes. I'm just not sure what to do. On one hand, I want to make it work, but on the other I really just want some time to myself, to figure out who I am and what I want in life. I think if I want to make it work, I have to know who I am and what I want first. Any advice? Sorry for the novel...

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." J.R.R. Tolkien


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Not a woman here but I can warn you that you should be prepared for some very hard replies. A lot of folks here in these parts have been cheated on and will answer from that perspective. Be Ready!

You know what you did was wrong. There is no justification for it. You know in your heart and mind you shouuld have left this marriage (actually, you should never have gotten in to it) before doing anything. 

There was obviously a lot of thought and time spent with this other guy before you jumped in bed with him right? When this started happeneing it shoul;d have been a wake up call for you to either focus your energy and time on the marriage or make a clean break from it. You choose the selfish path here beacuse it was easier. 

You decided to test the waters with someone else before you had to make a decision

Do your husband a favor and divorce him. It seems you've never really been in love with him from the beginning. It will hurt him but he will be better off down the road when he finds a woman who actually does love HIM.

Ask yourself "Why is he willing to do all it takes?" The answer is because he loves you. You are the one who had the affair. If you really wanted to save the marriage, it should be YOU doing all the work, not him.

Please let him go. He deserves better


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

FelineFelicity said:


> Hi all. I'm 23, been married just over a year to a man I've been with for almost 5 years now.
> 
> Not sure where to start with this. Aside from a few months here and there, I have been in a relationship with someone pretty consistently since I was 16. I met my husband our first year of college and we have been together ever since.
> 
> ...


Wait - you met & then said you didn't meet a guy 11 yrs. ago via the internet....you are now 23....so when you were only 12 yrs. old you "met" a guy that you have now cheated with?

How old is this "guy" who was meeting children via the internet?

No disrespect but something is very strange here.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Wait - you met & then said you didn't meet a guy 11 yrs. ago via the internet....you are now 23....so when you were only 12 yrs. old you "met" a guy that you have now cheated with?
> 
> How old is this "guy" who was meeting children via the internet?
> 
> No disrespect but something is very strange here.


Good catch

I was too lazy to do the math!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

And another drops in, doesn't get the answer they WANT and check out...........


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## FelineFelicity (Aug 30, 2012)

Sorry for the confusion. The guy I met 11 years ago was also 12 at the time. We're now both 23. I didn't meet my husband until I was 18.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

FelineFelicity said:


> Sorry for the confusion. The guy I met 11 years ago was also 12 at the time. We're now both 23. I didn't meet my husband until I was 18.


Thanks for the clarification. The fact that you knew this man as a child is irrelevant. 

Alot of growth & change takes place between 18 - 25. I'm not sure if you love your husband anymore so you should probably separate for awhile & evaluate your feeling. That's what I would advise my daughter to do who is your age.


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## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

You two have no kids together, it will be hard to separate but easier since no kids are involved. I would highly recommend that. IMO, it sounds like you think your husband is a great guy and you care about him but if you were truly in love with him you probably wouldn't feel this way. You are still young and have a chance to find who you truly want, and likewise for him (not sure of his age?). Though it would hurt me terribly, I would not want someone to stay with me if they had the kind of doubts that you have. I think that would hurt me more and I feel I would deserve someone who is 100% in it. You just aren't in it.


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