# Still doubting my feelings



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

I hate to keep posting the same stuff, but I am struggling with the idea of whether or not to stay married. My husband and I have a really awkward relationship now, and I wonder if we'll ever get past all of this. 

Of course, I love him...we've been together for 12 years. We keep trying to do things to spice up the marriage, and it seems to work sometimes...but there are many days that I just don't feel like putting my heart into it anymore. My therapist says this is the Bi-Polar, but it bothers me that I can't shake these feelings.

I have tried to make an effort every day to do the things that have been suggested to improve our marriage, but I feel like I'm forcing something that isn't there. Is this right? 

I really don't enjoy the sex anymore...not to be too personal. I still desire sex, but it seems as though I'm not able to enjoy it much with my husband. He made the comment the other night that it could have been anyone meeting those needs...that I really didn't need or want him. I think he might be right. 

Of course, I will continue to work on things, but I hate the way I feel inside...like I'm being deceptive because my heart's not really in it all the time. In a hypomanic state, I really have these feelings and I can't stop fantacizing about other people.

Anyone have any new advice that might alleviate this situation? :scratchhead:


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I see two things here.
1)You are turned on by the thrill of the forbidden.
2)You don't desire sex with your husband because he loves you so much, he is under your skin. You actually prefer distance. If you took a lover right now, it would be HOT HOT HOT, but as soon as you move in together, it would go the same way.

Sometimes, all that closeness hurts... But not as much as when it finally goes.

So why not
1) Accept your BP, and take the rough with the smooth.
2) Role play with hubby. You could be his naughty girl etc...
As I said before, my wife read somewhere about a woman who used to get herself in the mood by saying to herself "this is not my husband". This led to my wife often fantasizing other people are on top of her, while I am shagging her. She thought I would be mad at her when she finally told me, but I am happy for her to think anything she wants if it spices things up for her. Can you imagine what it is like being married to a guy like me? (OK, don't even go there )

One thing that never works is to deny your feelings. Embrace them. Just don't act on them.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

this scenario begs for role-playing. get him involved. i'm betting he'd enjoy it too. you can do/be anything or anyone.


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Well, this may be my last post on the forum. My husband found out about it today and things will probably go downhill from here. He read all of my posts from what I can gather. He is understandably very hurt and I can't blame him. Thanks for your suggestions, but I fear it may be too late.

MT- as always thanks for making me smile! Embracing my feelings...what a novel idea. This, I have no problem with, nor have I ever acted on any of them. My husband doesn't seem to like the idea of me fantacizing about other guys during sex, so I guess that's out. But, now my husband will never trust me or feel that I love him again. This may be the end of us.

I feel a huge sense of loss at losing the support of my friends on this forum. I appreciate all you have given me. I am forever grateful. 

Take care and God Bless!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

You should credit your husband with more depth than that. I'm sure you will be OK.


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

I know he will be checking up on me, but I'll say it anyway. I have hurt him badly and I feel terrible. The trouble is, I can't undo what I've said on my posts. I don't know what else to do at this point.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well now you have communication in the oddest way. You can still try to make it work for you. It you walk away you are likely to have the same problems with anyone you ever get with.

draconis


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

draconis said:


> It you walk away you are likely to have the same problems with anyone you ever get with.
> 
> draconis


Yes, that's my view too.


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

know you are right Draconis. My therapist told me the same thing. This is partly why I feel I would be better off without anyone, so I wouldn't have to put them through all of this. Things are very difficult right now, but we're going to continue to try to make things work. I am praying that counseling and open communication will get us through this. I still don't know what will happen, but we're taking it one step at a time.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

We are all here for you. The one red flag I see is that he invaded your privacy. But beyond that it doesn't mean that you can't turn things around. If have to you can pm me and destroy the pms. You have stuck through 12 years. I can't tell you it will all get better, but it can't get better if you try to do it on your own.

I pray for you to find what you need.

draconis


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Draconis- What do you mean by "If have to you can pm me and destroy the pms"? I agree about the privacy issue, and he has apologized for this several times. This is the second incident...before he looked in my diary. He's right, I guess, that I shouldn't be keeping secrets from him though... but some things that go through my mind aren't rational, so I feel as though I would only be hurting him by sharing my feelings. I don't even know what feelings or thoughts are genuine or what's a result of my illness anymore. It's so frustrating. I am going to continue counseling and am scheduled to see a psychiatrist next month. I am scared and so is my husband, but at least we're getting help. 

If you read this "husband", I hope there is nothing in here you find offensive.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I was saying instead of postings that remain you can PM people then click to delete them like email. 

The fact is you really are not hiding anything, but rather sorting them out before you present pieces to him. I think if he understood what you are trying to figure out nd ways that this site kept you with him, smoothing some of the rough patches he'd appreciate it more and not look at this as a secret. Further you are doing him a service, because it would be more of a secret to just tell your friends, but who knows how they would look at him after.

draconis


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

guiltygirl-

I don't know if this helps, but we all have crazy thoughts going through our heads. The "what ifs", the "if onlys", and many more. Our thoughts might be "our thoughts", but they are not "us". They are just impulses that arise from nowhere and, if you don't take them too seriously - most of them just evaporate, and go no further. 

Feelings are similar, they can arise either in sync with our thoughts or not, and then another feeling comes. The important thing is just to experience them without judgement (of them, self or others) or hanging on to them.

The fact that your condition has a label, just means you've got it harder than most. But we all suffer from something. We all trip ourselves up.

Look at me. I am crazy but I know how to "play the game" when I have to, and get on. I have met some very loving people in my time, and they have made me realise, that only love is real. All the rest is baloney 

What you need to find, is a way of managing the brain and body you were given. Let Eric take care of you, and just relax. What is there to get up-tight about?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

draconis said:


> The fact is you really are not hiding anything, but rather sorting them out before you present pieces to him.


:iagree:

There is plenty I dont tell my H. but i dont think of it as secrecy. I think of it as maintaing my boundaries.


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Well, I appreciate each of your perspectives. You all help me to see things in a different light. 

MT- What you said made a lot of sense, and was somewhat in alignment with what my therapist told me. The biggest problem is how these "feelings" are affecting my husband. I feel as though everything I do is being scrutinized and evaluated...it's making me a bit crazy. (more than usual) MT- it's good to know you're a bit crazy too. 

Thanks Draconis for alleviating some of the guilt I've been feeling about posting on the forum. I will try to approach it in the way you spoke about with my husband. I have explained how wonderful it has been to have the support of such intelligent and wise people on the forum, and I really don't want to lose this site as an outlet when I need it.

ljtseng- you have brought up the boundaries subject many times and I keep putting off doing research. My husband and I discussed this and he agrees that I should be allowed to have my own personal thoughts and space. (he deserves the same as well) He just needs so desperately to know for sure that I love him and want to stay with him for the rest of our lives. That's the biggest strain right now. 

Wow...you guys are great as always. Thanks!


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