# Help For A Co Worker



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Gents,

Hoping you can point me in the direction of some resources to give to a co worker regarding his marriage. He has vented to me several times regarding issues with his marriage, but I would like to point him in a direction aside from just my opinion since I have never dealt with any of this in my marriage. Here are the highlights (keep in mind, I only have his side although I can confirm some of the behavior which I will point out in the summary below):

- Married with 4 children (I think somewhere between 5 and 14 ish)

- They are having behavioral issues with the oldest (I guess you could say rebellious teen). Wife had tried to be friends with her (has defied husband's wishes in past to not allow the daughter to get extra piercings, tattoos, etc..). Now any time they have an issue with the daughter the wife tells him that he needs to handle (from what he has said to me, his wife basically said he needs to handle the oldest daughter and she will deal with the other 3 kids). IMO this is unacceptable, they need to handle their daughter together as a team, all this does is shift the blame to H if things go wrong. Needless to say their daughter is placing additional strain on the marriage

- Wife is verbally abusive to him, has no problems cursing him out on the phone, in person, in front of the kids, etc...

- Just recently he was invited to a local event by his friend. He asked W if she wanted to go and she said no, he would be fine just going alone. At the event she called him multiple times (he didn't hear the first 4-5 calls being at the event), finally picked up, she curses him out about not picking up the phone, how she is stuck in the house doing laundry, etc... In his mind he feels she let him go to the event and then started a fight over the phone to ruin his time there. Additional issues come up with daughter, W calls H and continues to curse him out over

- I can confirm these obsessive phone calls. At work we all know when his wife is calling b/c if his phone rings and he is not at his desk she will continue calling back every two minutes until he picks up. When I have taken him out to meet with clients it is not uncommon that she calls him multiple times.

- His cell phone has a pin code on it (personal phone but he added the pin code once he set up access to his work email on). She would get pissed off when she couldn't access his phone (even though she has her own cell phone she would claim it was easier to search the web, etc... on his.)

- To my knowledge there has not been any infidelity in their marriage. They got married very young and have been married I would guess around 15+ yrs

- I don't believe they have ever gone to marriage counseling.

My initial thought would be for him to just bail already, but given the length of his marriage and that there are children involved, that would be irresponsible if no attempt has been made to fix things . My general sense, he has been getting $hit on by his W for a while now, and since he has just accepted this behavior there has never been a reason for her to change. In his own words today, he does not see things getting better ...

I may see if I can get him to join TAM to get some direct feedback (and if he joins I will delete this thread), but in case he does not join, what is everyone's thoughts on how best to approach before going down the path to D.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Ellis tell him knowledge is power.
He has to see an attorney to get an idea of what would happen if he divorces.
Give him this link... https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf and tell him putting up with this behavior is not normal and get some ic.
Tell him also to start carrieing a voice activated recorder on him for his safety and if she talks crap about him he has proof.
Tell him to come here.:smile2:


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## Bridge (Dec 27, 2013)

dude, really? You really have to leap in and moderate his marriage? ( no, you don't. )

As it is you're a coworker who just wrote over 500 words, analyzing and speculating about a relationship you're not in. 

Dude, don't do this, it's creepy and weird.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

@tom67 - thanks for the input. It seems like he goes through cycles with his W. Things go down the $hitter for a few months, then get better for a few months, rinse and repeat. I know regarding D he is very concerned being the primary income earner the hit he will take (his wife was a SAHM but maybe good timing as she just started a full time position at work). It is hard for me to relate to him in the sense that I would never tolerate being spoken to like that. Just feel bad for the guy.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> @tom67 - thanks for the input. It seems like he goes through cycles with his W. Things go down the $hitter for a few months, then get better for a few months, rinse and repeat. I know regarding D he is very concerned being the primary income earner the hit he will take (his wife was a SAHM but maybe good timing as she just started a full time position at work). It is hard for me to relate to him in the sense that I would never tolerate being spoken to like that. Just feel bad for the guy.


PM uptown she does sound like a candidate for BPD.
All you can do is suggest.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Bridge said:


> dude, really? You really have to leap in and moderate his marriage? ( no, you don't. )
> 
> As it is you're a coworker who just wrote over 500 words, analyzing and speculating about a relationship you're not in.
> 
> Dude, don't do this, it's creepy and weird.


Huh? Where am I moderating??? He has been venting to me, I am not moderating anything. I am just looking for some resources to get him started, and I would guess there are folks here on TAM who have dealt with many of the same issues. Where he goes from there is up to him, not me.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Bridge said:


> dude, really? You really have to leap in and moderate his marriage? ( no, you don't. )
> 
> As it is you're a coworker who just wrote over 500 words, analyzing and speculating about a relationship you're not in.
> 
> Dude, don't do this, it's creepy and weird.


says a talkaboutmarriage forum contributor :grin2:


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