# Sleeping Single in a Double Bed



## Cloudy4_daze

My husband and I have been going through trouble in our relationship for quite a few years now. We went to marriage counceling back in 2007 and things seemed to get better but then they went right back to the way it was before. 
I am a very warm and affectionage person, and my husband is not. I have spoke to him regarding this over and over again. His adult children complain of the same treatment in their relationship with him. 
He blames his lack of interest in me on his work, which is very stressful, I have to agree it is a tough job with a lot of hours. But he's been at the same job for over 20 years, when will he learn to separate work from home? Or be able to handle stress at work in a different manner? I would hope that coming home and spending time with his wife would be a retreat from his job. Another excuse is his snoring, he has severe sleep apnea and is supposed to wear a cpap mask at night. He says he don't want to bother with putting it on at night, so he just sleeps on the couch every night. He claims his fatigue from work is what makes him fall asleep there. Lord knows he's not getting good quality sleep on the couch, and could be risking his health. I have spoken to him over and over again about this and it seems he doesn't think its important enough to make a change.
During the work week, he comes home and eats and sits in front of the TV until he passes out there. I try to talk to him and get him more involved with me, such as decorating for Christmas or regular household duties, but he just looks at me with glazed eyes and doesn't have much to say. Rarely are we intimate anymore, sometimes we go a whole month before we are together. Most of the time I initiate the encounter, but my feelings are so hurt and I feel so alone. Now, I am losing interest in our love life as well. Recently he made a "cute" comment "maybe we'll make love next week" and was laughing like its all a big joke. I have expressed my feelings of hurt, rejection, and lonliness to him, but it's still the same. I do have a history of mild depression and he blames all my sad feelings on my "clinical depression", he doesnt feel he is responsible for my feelings and he can't make me feel a certain way. 
Now as far as depression, mine is mild and I do take a rx for it, which we all know a ton of people who deal with the same conditon. It is nothing to feel ashamed of. I am very successful in my career, have wonderful friends, and I am close to my children. Plus, I work out at least 5 times per week and I am in great shape. I try to get him into fitness so he can lose some weight and feel more energized but it's just not his interest. I don't feel depressed about any of my relationships or friendships, it's my marriage that is depressing. And it seems he doesn't care enough to make any changes. If we have a big blow up he threatens to divorce me every time, until recently I stated if this cant change i do want a divorce. He was "involved" in our life for 2 days and went right back to the same old thing. Most of the time I am so happy go lucky, and let things slide right off my shoulders. But lately I feel so hopeless and alone. It bothers me when my friends say their husbands won't leave them alone and I can't get mine to pay me any mind at all.


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## EDCIJB

I am going thru the same thing with my wife.After we got married and were together every night I soon found out how bad her snoring was. When it was real bad I would go and sleep in the other bedroom. She was finally diagnosed with sleep apnea and also has a cpap mask. She started out wearing it but now she doesn't even bother. I have told her that if she won't wear it for me or herself to at least wear it for our little boy.She did join a gym to try and lose weight but probably will not stick with it. She has depression too which also contributes to our problems. This ain't what I had in mind when I got married. The only person that can help their own self is that person.


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## mace85

I bet if he wore the mask he would be less depressed and lose weight. Take it from a night shift worker. Bad sleep destroys you. He just needs to find the right mask and settings. And accept that the uncomfortable mask will be there until his health improves. The snoring is there because of an airway obstruction. And after a bit the brain is made aware of this obstruction and the person wakes up to fix it. So if he sleeps for 8 hours he may wake up slightly every 10-20 minutes. I would feel like crap too. 

But I do think there are other root issues as well. I wish you luck.


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## gofish

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so lonely and hurt, Cloudy4. It's hard to stay positive when your marriage isn't going like you thought it should. I'm praying that things are going to turn around for you and your husband! 

I know you said you've tried counseling before, and it helped for awhile. Is your husband willing to try again? You could always see a counselor by yourself, too. If you're uncertain about this and want to give it a test drive, you could call a counselor at Focus on the Family for free. They don't do ongoing counseling like this, but they can give you a referral for someone in your area if you want to continue counseling. I've seen a lot of people benefit from this service in the time I've worked with them. Maybe you would too! There's also some helpful information on their website and a book I'd recommend if you're interested.

Don't give up hope, Cloudy4. Your marriage can make it through these challenges. Remember the things that you loved about your husband that drew you to him in the first place. God bless!


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## Cloudy4_daze

Thank you guys for the advice. But my husband denies depression completely , in fact he he thinks it's all my head like its made up. I have mild depression and I work out and stay busy with hobbies and it really works. I really just get down about our relationship or the lack of it. He has always been a person of very little emotion, he brags about how he hasn't shed one tear since he was a little boy, even with the death of a loved one. He makes fun of "overly sensitive" people like its a weakness. I disagree, if I love someone they're going to know it and feel it. I really think he is depressed and suppresses his feelings and someday it's going to hit him like a brick. And as far as counseling goes, I don't want to repeat it. It was quite expensive and I think we both learned what we need to do for our marriage. But actually putting out an effort well that's up to him and I can't make him. 
I don't want a divorce and I love my husband but I don't think he'll ever return my love back! What scares me the most is things will stay this way forever and I'll just keep on taking it until I'm a sad, lonely and miserable old lady. I grew up watching my grandma stay in a loveless marriage and in the end she wasn't a happy or likable person at all. Her bitterness took over any joy she used to carry inside her.


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