# Mixed signals from wayward husband



## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

Thanks for reading! I need someone other than family to give me advice. Maybe someone has been here before.

6 weeks ago my husband got mad at me over a fight and said I love you but I’m not in love with you. 2 years before he had an affair and begged me not to leave. He ended it with OW and she moved away to another state. He was very open after that not hiding anything and I had access to everything. We spent almost two years working on our marriage. He bought me a new wedding ring 3 months before ending it. We were inseparable and I was in love more than ever. Even all of our friends and family thought he loved me so much and that we would make it.

I did have a lot of pain after the affair and he wouldn’t seek counseling so I beat him up pretty good for awhile about the affair. I feel like I was moving on every day though and improving. When we had our fight he had given some wine i didn’t want to a coworker and didn’t tell me until I asked where the wine was. I went back to old wounds and flipped out. He was quiet a few days then came and said I thought about it and you’re never going to forgive me and I deserve it but your behavior made me not fall back in love with you and I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I don’t love you and I want to be free.

I felt the rug pulled out from me I felt we were closer than ever and he was my best friend. We had grown so close. He said I was trying to find it but never could and I’m not going to fake it anymore. I can’t accept this because he told me so many loving things and how lucky he was and how much he loved me. My friends and family believed it too.

to make long story short he wants to live here with me for the next year and pay our debt down then he wants me to give him 15k for a condo and buy his furniture. I keep the house and my retirement. We have teenagers one in college one in HS he said they can choose what to do. He said he wants to be friends and still be a family. I’m confused because he is still having passionate sex with me 3-4 times a week. Calls me babe. Makes plans for future family trips. Slaps my ass when we walk around the house. Strokes my hair. Makes dinner with me and binge watch shows and movies every night. He doesn’t go out. Sleeps in our bed. Told me neither of us should be sleeping with anyone else or dating. Still texts me good Morning most days. He also gets jealous thinking I’m talking to other men.

However he is friending a lot of women on SM, texting women who he says are only friends, Keeps his phone closer, doesn’t change his stance on divorce. He told me I’m better off without him and he has admitted to being excited about dating and sex after we are divorced. He is very popular in town and I was always beating the women away from him. He said he wants to explore that. I told him it’s empty and he is destroying our family for nothing. He can find love with me again. He said it’s too hard and wants to give up.

I feel like it’s so many mixed signals and I don’t want to lose him I love him very much. I should have forgiven the affair and moved forward. I see where I was wrong. He won’t forgive me now. He walks around the house whistling and happy. He works out everyday and I can see he is excited to be single. I think it’s wrong. We have been together 21 years. He has left me before in the past and come back. Is there hope or am I a fool?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I am sure you will get a lot of interesting answers on here!

In my opinion, this is what happens when an affair is not properly processed at the time. It's not just a matter of "forgiving" or splitting up, there is a conversation that needs to be had. In many cases, it's the end of the relationship. In others, if both partners can actually change, really change, it can be the start of a better relationship. I have worked with a lot of couples going through this. What doesn't work is "rugsweeping" i.e. "getting over it". 



cgallegos007 said:


> We spent almost two years working on our marriage.


Working on it how?



> I did have a lot of pain after the affair and he wouldn’t seek counseling


 What reason did he give?



> He was quiet a few days then came and said I thought about it and you’re never going to forgive me and I deserve it but your behavior made me not fall back in love with you and I’m tired of walking on eggshells.


The "quiet for a few days" is interesting. That's not just lashing out. It has to be acknowledged that if things are going to work out, the wayward partner (as we call them) can't be walking on eggshells (or "on probation") for the rest of their life. I can understand how he felt, that it would be like this for ever. 



> I felt the rug pulled out from me I felt we were closer than ever and he was my best friend.


 Your feelings are not always an accurate guide to what is happening.



> I’m confused because he is still having passionate sex with me 3-4 times a week. Calls me babe. Makes plans for future family trips. Slaps my ass when we walk around the house. Strokes my hair. Makes dinner with me and binge watch shows and movies every night. He doesn’t go out. Sleeps in our bed. Told me neither of us should be sleeping with anyone else or dating. Still texts me good Morning most days. *He also gets jealous thinking I’m talking to other men*.


Yeah. He is still not over this either. 
I can see your dilemma. You don't want to stop the sex, because you're worried that will push him further away. But, you are letting him have his cake and eat it too. 



> However he is friending a lot of women on SM, texting women who he says are only friends, Keeps his phone closer, doesn’t change his stance on divorce. He told me I’m better off without him and he has admitted to being excited about dating and sex after we are divorced. He is very popular in town and I was always beating the women away from him. He said he wants to explore that.


Sure. It's the springtime. The sap is rising. Of course he's excited. 



> I told him it’s empty and he is destroying our family for nothing. He can find love with me again.


What is the tone like, when you have a conversation like that? With what emotion is each of you speaking?



> He said it’s too hard and wants to give up.


He has no clue how hard it can be with a new person. Women respond differently to a married man flirting with them, versus a newly divorced father looking for a new relationship. 

Are things "locked down" at the moment where you are? That might be in your favour! 

Seriously, you need to lay down some boundaries as to what you can accept. The mixed messages is unacceptable. He can't say he's planning on divorce, but tell you not to date other people. 



> I should have forgiven the affair and moved forward.


I totally disagree on that. You would not have been able to do that.


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Working





Laurentium said:


> Working on it how?


We went on dates, we stopped fighting, we talked, we spent a lot of time together connecting


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> What is the tone like, when you have a conversation like that? With what emotion is each of you speaking?


We’ve had that convo twice now he was quiet listening. He told me he is broken and that I don’t understand what’s going on in his head. He loves women and he gets a lot of attention from them. He doesn’t deserve me and the kids for what he did. I did not yell I just told him I didn’t believe him when he said he didn’t love me. I said I felt he was pushing his feelings away. He said I’m good at hiding my emotions.


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Women respond differently to a married man flirting with them, versus a newly divorced father looking for a new relationship.


He said he wants no relationships or marriage I would be the only one. If he can’t make it work with me who could it work with? He said he doesn’t want to answer to anyone anymore. He also said though he just wants sex but is looking for quality Over quantity. He said he has had several women ask him for sex as a married man. He works with the public meets a lot of people. He said he’s turned down a lot of women. The more he resists the more women want him. So I think he thinks he’s going to have no strings attached sex.


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> What reason did he give?


He doesn’t believe in counseling and said we could fix it ourselves


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Are things "locked down" at the moment where you are? That might be in your favour!


Yes we are locked down. I’ve been acting nice and happy. He is on his phone a lot I’m afraid he is maybe having an EA. He swears he won’t cheat in anyway until we sign papers he made a promise to me he wouldn’t do that anymore and he wants to prove to me he changed even though I won’t believe it. I have snooped on him a little and he found out. He got mad but all I could find was him talking to people. I quit snooping because I know that won’t help the situation.


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Seriously, you need to lay down some boundaries as to what you can accept. The mixed messages is unacceptable. He can't say he's planning on divorce, but tell you not to date other people


I am not interested in dating anyone and I don’t want him dating anyone either. Especially if he’s going to be living here with my children at home. I told him if he wants to do that he needs to move out.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

cgallegos007 said:


> he wants to live here with me for the next year and pay our debt down then he wants me to give him 15k for a condo and buy his furniture.
> Is there hope or am I a fool?


You are not a "fool" to want an intact family, home, and life which has not been decimated by him having an itchy dong.

However, there is no hope. He's a selfish turkey. Keep your house and your kids. Tell him that if he wants to leave, you will help him pack. And, go to an attorney
before you give him one dime for a condo, or anything else. When you don't give him what he wants, he will come at you with raving vengeance.


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

TJW said:


> However, there is no hope. He's a selfish turkey. Keep your house and your kids. Tell him that if he wants to leave, you will help him pack. And, go to an attorney
> before you give him one dime for a condo, or anything else. When you don't give him what he wants, he will come at you with raving vengeance.


If there is no hope why is he acting this way? We just had breakfast together and he said he’s excited for Easter as a family and we made plans for what dinner we are going to make. It will just be us as we are under quarantine. I will say to the second part when I’ve challenged not giving him his way and filing for divorce now he gets mad and said we don’t need to have a war and a nasty divorce. I have asked him to move out because he is on his phone a lot i believe talking to other women. He refuses to move out said I can’t make him and he’s not leaving.


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

cgallegos007 said:


> If there is no hope why is he acting this way? We just had breakfast together and he said he’s excited for Easter as a family and we made plans for what dinner we are going to make. It will just be us as we are under quarantine. I will say to the second part when I’ve challenged not giving him his way and filing for divorce now he gets mad and said we don’t need to have a war and a nasty divorce. I have asked him to move out because he is on his phone a lot I believe talking to other women. He refuses to move out saying I can’t make him and he’s not leaving. He told me I’m just mad because I can’t control who he talks to anymore and I just want him back.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

This is almost like I wrote it in 2017... this will really mess with your head. He is happy because you have told him he can stay until he is ready (apart from lockdown) . He is still sleeping with you because he can. I did the same thing. It made me feel like he loved me. If I had my time again I would have NOT slept with him. Your husband (like mine did) feels like these women will be here for him when he is ready, He is like a Rooster, he reaks of self-entitlement. He might find these women are no longer interested, then he will be trying to come back again. Don't fall for it he will just be off again.

Please stand your ground. Believe him when he tells you he doesnt love you. He really doesnt.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, you've both been 'acting' in order to get along.

You don't believe he doesn't love you even when his actions scream it and the words come out of his mouth. 

He wants to be friends and still be a family and have sex with you whenever he wants. He wants, he wants, he wants. He doesn't care one whit about what you want. And, yet, you keep playing to him. Just STOP! You are enabling his cake-eating. Since he wants a divorce because he's too lazy to man-up, then you have to show him what a divorce will look like.

What if he gets mad? What if he doesn't stick around? What if he gives you an STD? You need to start acting in your own best interests and not his.


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

m.t.t said:


> This is almost like I wrote it in 2017... this will really mess with your head. He is happy because you have told him he can stay until he is ready (apart from lockdown) . He is still sleeping with you because he can. I did the same thing. It made me feel like he loved me. If I had my time again I would have NOT slept with him. Your husband (like mine did) feels like these women will be here for him when he is ready, He is like a Rooster, he reaks of self-entitlement. He might find these women are no longer interested, then he will be trying to come back again. Don't fall for it he will just be off again.
> 
> Please stand your ground. Believe him when he tells you he doesnt love you. He really doesnt.


I feel like I’m not going to survive this I love him so much. All these things online say if I give him space he can fall back in love with me. Weve been together 21 years longer than I haven’t been with him. I don’t know how I am going to make it. It’s like a terrible roller coaster.


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> So, you've both been 'acting' in order to get along.
> 
> You don't believe he doesn't love you even when his actions scream it and the words come out of his mouth.
> 
> ...


I know it’s wrong to want him back but I do I’m afraid to make a mistake and push him away for good.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

List your fears and conquer them one by one.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

cgallegos007 said:


> I feel like I’m not going to survive this I love him so much. All these things online say if I give him space he can fall back in love with me. We've been together 21 years longer than I haven’t been with him. I don’t know how I am going to make it. It’s like a terrible roller coaster.


I was with my ex-husband for just over 20 years as well. I felt the same way as you do. I ended up having a nervous breakdown dealing with him just living with me until he was ready to leave. I also felt like I loved him so much, couldn't imagine my life without him. The only real stresses I have now are really with him still trying to call the shots and the only way he tries this is through the children. The man is an ass hat. The best day for me was sept 5th when he finally moved out after over an year and a half of what you are going through now.


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

m.t.t said:


> I was with my ex-husband for just over 20 years as well. I felt the same way as you do. I ended up having a nervous breakdown dealing with him just living with me until he was ready to leave. I also felt like I loved him so much, couldn't imagine my life without him. The only real stresses I have now are really with him still trying to call the shots and the only way he tries this is through the children. The man is an ass hat. The best day for me was sept 5th when he finally moved out after over an year and a half of what you are going through now.


How did your feelings change?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

cgallegos007 said:


> How did your feelings change?


Over time ... the emotional abuse wore me down... it was a relief for him to finally leave ... I was still drawn to him after he left ... but at more of a distance I could see through him more. I got stronger after he left.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You may love him but he doesn’t love you.

Sure, he’s excited right now. He’s planning a new life and in the meantime he has you as a willing outlet for sex. What’s not to like, from his point of view. 

You can’t “nice” him back. Start focusing on you and not him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

cgallegos007 said:


> I know it’s wrong to want him back but I do I’m afraid to make a mistake and push him away for good.


As long as you feel that way, he‘ll continue to have all the power and you’ll continue to be a doormat. That’s obviously not a good place for you to be.


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

My family all say a year is a long time stop putting wood on the fire and he could have a change of heart


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> List your fears and conquer them one by one.


My biggest fear is him being with other women. I don’t know if I can handle that. I still love him. I also don’t want to be divorced or single. I’m 39 years old and my kids are almost out of the house. I thought we would finally be enjoying each other.


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

Openminded said:


> You may love him but he doesn’t love you.
> 
> Sure, he’s excited right now. He’s planning a new life and in the meantime he has you as a willing outlet for sex. What’s not to like, from his point of view.
> 
> You can’t “nice” him back. Start focusing on you and not him.


wouldn’t you want to move as soon as possible if this was true? Wouldn’t you want to be away from me? It’s not just sex he still wants to spend time with me alone. Not just family time but we hang out together. If you felt nothing would you want to be around me? I practically begged him to move and even offered 15k to get him to go now before filing divorce and he said no he doesn’t want to.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You file, now then you will be in control don't be co-dependant it's a mind f***.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

cgallegos007 said:


> wouldn’t you want to move as soon as possible if this was true? Wouldn’t you want to be away from me? It’s not just sex he still wants to spend time with me alone. Not just family time but we hang out together. If you felt nothing would you want to be around me? I practically begged him to move and even offered 15k to get him to go now before filing divorce and he said no he doesn’t want to.


Everyone is different. My guess is that for now he wants life with you plus the freedom to do whatever else he wants. The best of both worlds.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

cgallegos007 said:


> My family all say a year is a long time stop putting wood on the fire and he could have a change of heart


Anything is potentially possible. Whether it’s likely is another story. In the meantime, focus on you and not him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He's already been with other women. He doesn't want to move right now because he doesn't have your replacement lined up, yet. He wants all the comforts of home while he's browsing. The minute he finds 'the one', he'll be out the door so fast that you'll have to Fed-Ex him his shadow (credit to SSGI). 

Stop doing the pick-me dance because all that tells him is that he is *so* wonderful and he can do better than you - besides you're not going anywhere, anyway.

Do you not understand the phrase 'cake-eating'?


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Stop doing the pick-me dance because all that tells him is that he is *so* wonderful and he can do better than you - besides you're not going anywhere, anyway.


No?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

cgallegos007 said:


> wouldn’t you want to move as soon as possible if this was true? Wouldn’t you want to be away from me? It’s not just sex he still wants to spend time with me alone. Not just family time but we hang out together. If you felt nothing would you want to be around me? I practically begged him to move and even offered 15k to get him to go now before filing divorce and he said no he doesn’t want to.


you are analyzing his behaviors. He won't be analyzing yours. This is so hard, I totally get what you are doing. But this is not healthy.

This sounds to me what he is doing is very much mentally abusing you. It's psychological abuse. Next you will be thinking you are loosing your mind.

If you could look at this advice in the future it would be obvious to you. I look back on my situation, I kept notes of conversations, I wrote in note books and on here and it's clear as day. It's very hard to see what going on from where you are sitting.

He is in control and loving it. You are saying he is happy. How are you?


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> I am sure you will get a lot of interesting answers on here!
> 
> In my opinion, this is what happens when an affair is not properly processed at the time. It's not just a matter of "forgiving" or splitting up, there is a conversation that needs to be had. In many cases, it's the end of the relationship. In others, if both partners can actually change, really change, it can be the start of a better relationship. I have worked with a lot of couples going through this. What doesn't work is "rugsweeping" i.e. "getting over it".
> 
> ...


I contacted several attorneys today I’m afraid I’m ruining any chance there is but what else can I do?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Gabs said:


> Hi,
> I am.married from 15 years and i was about to lose everything.....i can help you with some recomandations of what i have done and followed....but unfortunatly i am.not allowed on here, so if you think could be helpful for you mess me..


Why aren't you allowed on here?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

cgallegos007 said:


> I contacted several attorneys today I’m afraid I’m ruining any chance there is but what else can I do?


You don't need to tell him. Knowledge is power. see what your rights are, what you are entitled to. This will give you some sense of control over the situation.


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## cgallegos007 (Apr 5, 2020)

m.t.t said:


> You don't need to tell him. Knowledge is power. see what your rights are, what you are entitled to. This will give you some sense of control over the situation.


I am not telling him. I also got my own checking account today. Maybe this is the right thing to push me to do what I need to do. I don’t want to look pathetic anymore. I am the prize not him. These women he is talking to are trash. I am the prize. I should not be acting this way.


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## AmbitiousOvercomer (Jul 4, 2019)

cgallegos007 said:


> My family all say a year is a long time stop putting wood on the fire and he could have a change of heart


The bottom line here is that his actions are not your fault and you cannot feel guilty for how you dealt with it. Please read my story when you have a moment, I was haunted by mixed signals and trying to hold on to what isn't there and never will be. We were married (and for the moment still are) for 22 years. I don't believe in divorce but I believe that God doesn't endorse adultery either so a choice is there to leave without guilt or regret. His actions, not mine led to this. I would have remained loyal to him but he cannot appreciate what he had. 
My turning point was the death of my 2 month grandaughter last year. I had no one to talk to and I was trying to be the strong front my son needed me to be. I was devastated and suicidal in private. He stopped all contact for weeks and never reached out once to our son. I realize he was grieving in his own way but it opened my eyes to the amount of respect and concern he has for his family...little to none. I found out later that during that time he was studying how many followers he had accumulated on TikTok and was chatting with other women online as he so often does. That's when I started formulating my exit plan. 
Set limits and take your power. He cannot and should not have it both ways. He made a decision that you also have to live with and its probably best if one of you leave the situation. It's very difficult to figure out the new normal and there's always that hope he will change his mind when he's there mixing up your thoughts and emotions. 
Best wishes to you. There are better days beyond this, it's just really hard to see right now.
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

cgallegos007 said:


> I am not telling him. I also got my own checking account today. Maybe this is the right thing to push me to do what I need to do. I don’t want to look pathetic anymore. I am the prize not him. These women he is talking to are trash. I am the prize. I should not be acting this way.


Good for you. Who makes more money. Since he wants you to give him money it seems like you must make more? What did the attorneys say?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

cgallegos007 said:


> I know it’s wrong to want him back but I do I’m afraid to make a mistake and push him away for good.


He isn’t worth having. You should want better for yourself than this. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

He is not really giving you mixed signals. He wants out.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> He is not really giving you mixed signals. He wants out.


I would add to this that what you, OP, are seeing as mixed signals is him availing himself of the convenience of you.

He wants out. But, since he hasn't yet found a soft place to land, it would be really super awesome if you could keep doing his laundry, wrangling real life, cooking his meals, catering to his wishes, generally entertaining him and shagging him six ways to Sunday until he gets himself sorted to his liking. He sees no reason to go without sex, comfort and fun. And all that, plus being able to keep the shiny veneer, and joint assets, of respectable married family man - while getting all the strange he can pull on the side? There's no down side - for him - to hanging around as long as you'll let him.

You're mistaking his willingness to make use of you, for love and 'mixed signals'. You should stop doing that.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Rowan said:


> I would add to this that what you, OP, are seeing as mixed signals is him availing himself of the convenience of you.
> 
> He wants out. But, since he hasn't yet found a soft place to land, it would be really super awesome if you could keep doing his laundry, wrangling real life, cooking his meals, catering to his wishes, generally entertaining him and shagging him six ways to Sunday until he gets himself sorted to his liking. He sees no reason to go without sex, comfort and fun. And all that, plus being able to keep the shiny veneer, and joint assets, of respectable married family man - while getting all the strange he can pull on the side? There's no down side - for him - to hanging around as long as you'll let him.
> 
> You're mistaking his willingness to make use of you, for love and 'mixed signals'. You should stop doing that.


What Rowan said. Exactly that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sex doesn’t mean he loves you. It just means he wants sex and you’re available.


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## Bnbee (Apr 19, 2020)

I am in the midst of a very similar situation. Know you are not alone or wrong. Due to Covid, neither one of us can do much as far as leaving or lawyers.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@cgallegos007, you need to be angry and act accordingly. Your POS H is using you. He can play happy families with you and sext or whatever with OW online. And what is more you are enabling him to do so. You need to put a stop to all of this. Tell him, if he doesn't want to be married then you are not available for anything, sex, washing, cooking etc. He can move out and you will move on with your life. Get a great lawyer and ensure you get all you deserve including a man who will treat you right.

You have given far too much power to your husband, it is time to take your power back and do what is right for you. He does not love you, he is simply using you and having his cake and eating it too. No man who loves his wife would treat her the way he has treated you. It is called abuse.
You are only 39+, still young enough to meet someone worthy of you and to have a great life without playing catch up with a narcissistic prick who does not know your value.


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