# How do you have the "your too fat" conversation?



## Jeapordy

I'm looking for advice on how to start a conversation with my W on her weight. No matter how I do it, she will be hurt and upset. She will probably lash out and cry. I think she knows her weight is a problem but she is in denial. I think she is probably waiting for me to bring it up because she can then attack me for being insensitive, instead of taking ownership over the issue.
I love my wife. I will not give her an ultimatum. I vowed to love her in good and bad times, in sickness and health. This is a health issue. But I didn't vow to like the way she looks no matter what. She has gained a little weight every year, so now she is probably 50 lbs over her wedding weight (I'm probably 10 lbs over mine). She has never told me her weight, and I'm not dumb enough to ask. I didn't get too worried after the kids, but its been over 10 years since the last kid was born. She was a size 6 when we got married, and now she is a size 14. I don't need her to be a size 6, but I started to have issues when she got above a size 10.
She exercises and attempts to lose weight. But it is feast or famine. She went to Weight Watchers for a while, but when she plateaus, she gives up. She says that she doesn't cheat on her diet, but I don't know. When dieting doesn't work, she'll do a lot of exercise, but she hurts her ankle or her back because is carrying too much weight, and she'll have to stop. We are fairly active together. We walk, swim, ride bikes. She is not a couch potato. She says that she just can't lose the weight. She has a lot of issues with artificial sweetners, so diet foods are out of the question. She also gets wicked head aches if her sugar levels get low, so dieting is tough. From a health standpoint, other than her weight being in the "obese" category, she is medically very healthy.
The sex is still good when she wears sexy outfits or we watch porn or use toys, but I need that something extra to get past how she looks. I think the last straw was yesterday when I saw her outside wearing prego jeans that fit way too snug and really bring out the worst parts of her. She really needs to be on that show "what not to wear". Her wardrobe is awful. She dresses like she is a size 10. But women don't want to hear fashion advice from their husbands.
Help. I need to encourage her to make changes, but I don't want to torch the marriage in the process. I love her, but I don't like how she looks.


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## CandieGirl

I won't even touch on the 'what not to wear' comment  - but has she seen a doctor? My sister, 27 years old, recently started to gain weight, despite eating very well and exercising. She has a thyroid problem. Suggest a doctor's visit.


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## trey69

If you already know how it might end up, then don't bring it up. 
You also stated she is not a couch potato. She does try, and she exercises some, she has tried diets etc. So its not like there is no effort. 

You also said you vowed to love her in good times and bad, in sickness and health, but that you didn't vow to love the way she looks no matter what. Well if you vowed to love her in good and bad times, in sickness and health then yeah you did! And you said its a health issue then love her anyway. 

"She needs to be on the show, What Not to Wear, her wardrobe is awful! Sounds like a put down and not love. I hope you don't come across to her like this in RL. She could actually have a medical issue that hasn't been diagnosed. Her thyroid should be checked, maybe her age or hormones play a role.


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## CallaLily

"How do you have the "you're to fat" conversation?"

You don't! My suggestion is since you feel its a health concern go with that. As in do not mention weight, but maybe mention you are going for a physical and you think its good she get one too. 

Its been to my understanding, if a person is trying to lose weight, diets, exercise etc, and nothing is working, then it could be something else going on. As others have said, her thyroid does need to be checked. How old is she? Could she being going through hormonal changes? You mentioned her sugar levels too, she need to be checked for diabeties too.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

DON'T bring up your wife's weight, she's already aware of her weight problems.

If YOU want to help her lose weight (and help yourself in the process), then

1.) Buy a new diet book. I recommend South Beach Diet book. I have known men AND women who have had success on this plan AND it can be used LONG-TERM -- no special foods, nothing other than food you can buy at ANY grocery store.

2.) YOU begin helping to prepare the meals. Yes, Y-O-U. Don't just 'talk' about it, DO IT. Help prepare breakfast the night before; ensure the ingredients and recipes for healthful lunches and snacks are prepped. Come home from work READY TO ASSIST your wife in preparing the meal (not just setting the table, but actually CUTTING, MEASURING, COOKING, etc.) You will probably have a lot of fun together once you get the hang of working in the kitchen together. You will also show your wife that you're serious about helping her and teaching the kids how to live healthily.

IF South Beach Diet does not work, look at WHY it didn't work, then choose ANOTHER diet based on those factors and TRY IT AGAIN.

Sitting on your butt, griping about your wife's weight, offering advice but NO HELP...is NOT the way to gain a stronger marriage with your wife or set a good example for your kids.

Just my humble opinion.


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## wiigirl

CandieGirl said:


> I won't even touch on the 'what not to wear' comment  - but has she seen a doctor? My sister, 27 years old, recently started to gain weight, despite eating very well and exercising. She has a thyroid problem. Suggest a doctor's visit.


Be careful though....anything to do with weight with women is a landmine! 









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck

Jeapordy said:


> When dieting doesn't work, she'll do a lot of exercise, but she hurts her ankle or her back because is carrying too much weight, and she'll have to stop. We are fairly active together. We walk, swim, ride bikes. She is not a couch potato.


I don't think I'd have this conversation, b/c it sounds like she is trying. On her clothes, I def wouldn't get on her about that. 

As far as exercise, there is usually some alternative if she has back issues. Swimming, recumbent bikes, etc.


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## Stonewall

The only way to start that correctly is go to Cheaper Than Dirt - America's Ultimate Shooting Sports Discounter and purchase a suitable threat level body armor first.


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## Dad&Hubby

Hmmm, so how do you ask a callous insensitive question in a way to not appear to be callous and insensitive? I have no idea.

I do feel for your situation because your attraction to your wife is based mostly on the physical and that can make it tough. Have you considered what your sex life will be when you're 60? Even if she's back to a size 6? You're not wrong for feeling attraction based on mostly the physical, but I know it's not easy, and unfortunately the years aren't friendly to that. 

Here's what I'd try to do
1. Try to find new ways to find her more attractive. Think of what she does, how she is for you etc. (this is assuming a very loving wife)
2. Approach things from a you perspective. Talk about how YOU want to change the overall diet in the household for YOU. (If you have any health issues, high blood pressure etc. that you're on any meds, this becomes much easier because you can attribute it to that)
3. Try an increase activity levels more than they are now.

One of the best ways to lose weight is to eliminate calorie laden beverages. Try and get rid of them somehow. Get everyone drinking water.


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## CallaLily

Another thing to consider too, if she gets checked out by her medical doctor and things look good and no problems there, then it could be an emotional thing. Some people are emotional eaters, which means there is something else going on. She's been hurt, or holds some kind of anger/resentment about something, food is comfort for people like that. Kinda like someone who is hurt or angry but chooses to drink or uses drugs etc to numb the pain. If this could be the case do you think she would be up to seeing a counselor?


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## EnjoliWoman

There are a couple very good suggestions here about cooking, doctors' visits but no one wants to touch the wardrobe issue. I see a LOT of women wearing stuff that makes me wonder if they own a mirror. I don't know what your income is but lots of nice department stores have personal shoppers. Maybe for her birhday, anniversary or holiday you could set her up with a pre-paid gift card ($500, $1000 - whatever is in your budget) and tell her she deserves some pampering. Not only will she look better while she gets her weight under control, but she will feel better about herself.

This hits home with me because I'm a size 16 (5'7" and active/fit) but was a size 8 or so when I married. However I'd always had weight issues even as a child so the 8 was a low weight for me at 125lbs. and was difficult to maintain. Eventually his criticism (including measuring my upper arm when pregnant) turned me off to sex completely and he threatened to cheat because he did not marry a fat person. 

I get it that maintaining ones' appearance is important, not letting yourself go, but criticism is NOT the way to do it - it will destroy her self-esteem and her trust (she trusts you with her feelings, too) and other issues will arise.


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## Almostrecovered

if she gets headaches when she has low blood sugar then get her to a doctor for that reason alone


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## Michelle C

Do you do the cooking and go to the shops to buy the food? If not you should start doing it. That way you can make sure that you only buy and cook meals with healthy food and not processed junk. 

It sounds like you need to loose some weight as well, so why don't you suggest that both of you buy bikes to keep fit or go walking? It's easy really, the truth is most people get fat because they are too lazy to eat well or exercise. You have to look after your own health I'm afraid.


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## StatusQuo

1.) You don't approach it as a weight issue.
2.) You make household wide lifestyle changes. 
3.) If you don't like the way she dresses, buy her some clothing that looks good on her, compliment her on it. Build up her self-esteem. She feels poorly about her outward appearance, and dresses the way she feels. I do this as well, so I can completely empathize with her.

She already feels bad about her weight, that's why she's trying to work on it. Work WITH her, exercise together, bike rides, walks, running... do it TOGETHER. 

The headaches from low blood sugar are concerning, as is the fact that she can't seem to lose weight despite trying. Suggest she get checked out by a doctor. It might be thyroid, or it could be something like PCOS, type 2 diabetes, etc.


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## HusbandX

You say you're 10lbs over your marriage weight. Have you tried heading to a gym or going for a run yourself? 

Chances are she'll have the motivation to do this if you stick with her and workout too. Especially if you start getting early results. The key is to work together, push each other through the bad times (plateaus) and encourage each other when it's working well.

It's all well and good saying she needs to lose weight (just don't say it to her), but in marriage things can often get comfortable, and without any real drive to do anything to kickstart a healthier lifestyle it often doesn't happen. The best way to plant the seed, without the offence, is to start yourself and tell her you would like her encouragement by only eating healthy food etc too.

Good luck.


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## Emerald

She's not in denial; she is trying to lose weight but it's not working.

Make it about you & your 10 lbs. - ask her to help you lose it. 

Set a goal with a vacation as a reward.

What does her Mother look like? Could be genetics.

As far as squeezing into the wrong size clothes, I hear you - not a good look & she knows it. Sorry - no help with that one.

I do not think you are shallow at all. I think we have a responsibility to our partners to maintain our physical appearance close to when we first met, ie, the attraction & physical chemistry unless there is an underlying medical or mental condition that develops.


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## thegatewalker

Talk about increasing the sexercise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much

Take her shopping. She obviously needs some new clothes. She needs to wear what fits the body she has now, not the body she used to have.

If she's trying, that's good. I'd go get her hormones checked out, and her thyroid by a doctor just to insure it's not a medical thing she's fighting. 

Help increase her activity level by going on walks with her after dinner... providing and helping with new recipes for meals and incorporate some vitamins to your diets. B-12 and B-complex would help her tremendously.


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## iheartlife

His Needs / Her Needs has a chapter on the importance of physical attractiveness. If it's read as part of the whole (well-recommended) book, it won't jump out as the main issue.

Our MC recommended fashion shows with the wife's existing warddrobe so the wife could learn which outfits her husband liked most in terms of cut and style. Then take her shopping based on that. Or just take her shopping if her clothes are hopeless.

Just know that sometimes it can seem like you will never lose any weight and there are no nice clothes that fit right. It's horribly demoralizing. Women sometimes care even more what other women think and it can quickly lead to giving up entirely.

There are also conditions, thyroid being one of them, that make it extremely hard to lose weight.

I managed to lose 20 lbs using the free website caloriecount.com and plan to lose the other 15 / 20 the same way this fall. I estimated my calories based on an ultra-sedentary lifestyle for someone my size. It's pretty easy to use and my H keeps running into other people who swear by it too. Think weight watchers, but free. It quickly educates you on what you eat that's low cal or high cal by volume and it makes eating healthy an incentive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown

Headaches if her sugar gets low? How low do they get? What meter are you using to test? How long does she diet/exercise for? A lot of people expect instant long lasting results. Well for most that is unreasonable, I would recommend a full physical and an appointment with a nutritionist. There are tons of myths out there about the foods we eat, you need a professionals opinion on the subject. I guess I am lucky, my wife and I are brutally honest with each other. If she looks horrible in what she is wearing I am expected to tell her. (and I do)


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## A Bit Much

> I guess I am lucky, my wife and I are brutally honest with each other. If she looks horrible in what she is wearing I am expected to tell her. (and I do)


Well +1 for me!

My husband and I are this way too.


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## Sbrown

Another tip, if she decides to exercise, running, swimming, biking...etc What ever she wants to try. Be sure to get the proper gear, properly fitted running shoes can mean the difference between successful runner and one that quits. Most specialty stores will assist/fit you for the equipment. DON'T GO CHEAP!!!!! I am training for a 15k now at the local Fleet Feet store. I pay the 90$ for the training class because I know If i don't have that money spent to motivate me to go, I wont. Youre going to have to find her motivation.


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## Jeapordy

There is very little junk food in the house. We don't have dessert often. I'm not a sweets/candy/ice cream guy. We drink water with most meals. But I don't know what she eats at work, or snacks on. If you believe that weight management is all about calorie counting, she should be a lot skinnier based on what I see her eat, and what she claims she eats when I'm not around. She packs her lunch most of the time.
So that leads me to the conclusion that she stress eats at work and doesn't tell me.
I have tried to use the "I'll lose weight with you" approach, but that makes her more mad, because she sees it as an insult that someone 10 lbs over weight is making a big deal about their weight. Then if I lose the 10 lbs, and she is still 40 lbs over weight, that would make her feel insecure.
She gets mad at me when I work on controlling my weight with either exercise or diet because it was easier to think that I was rubbing it in her face than thinking I was just doing it for myself, and it was working. I am within my "normal" weight for my age/height. I'm not buff, but I do okay.

I'll check on the personal shoppers, but her body style makes it hard to buy anything off the rack. She is shorter and disproportionally heavy in the lower half. So she claims that nothing fits. I've told her she can have her clothes custom made, we can afford it, but that is embarrassing for her. I'm not sure why wearing the wrong size clothes isn't embarrassing.


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## Emerald

I re-read your original post - You are looking advice on having a converstion with your wife about her weight; not advice on helping he lose weight - I apologize for misreading.

I would suggest in counseling. I think she already knows how much it bothers you but doesn't want to fix it or may not know how.


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## A Bit Much

I find it sad that you can't have an open conversation with her about your concerns for fear of her rage.


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## Enginerd

Jeapordy said:


> There is very little junk food in the house. We don't have dessert often. I'm not a sweets/candy/ice cream guy. We drink water with most meals. But I don't know what she eats at work, or snacks on. If you believe that weight management is all about calorie counting, she should be a lot skinnier based on what I see her eat, and what she claims she eats when I'm not around. She packs her lunch most of the time.
> So that leads me to the conclusion that she stress eats at work and doesn't tell me.
> I have tried to use the "I'll lose weight with you" approach, but that makes her more mad, because she sees it as an insult that someone 10 lbs over weight is making a big deal about their weight. Then if I lose the 10 lbs, and she is still 40 lbs over weight, that would make her feel insecure.
> She gets mad at me when I work on controlling my weight with either exercise or diet because it was easier to think that I was rubbing it in her face than thinking I was just doing it for myself, and it was working. I am within my "normal" weight for my age/height. I'm not buff, but I do okay.
> 
> I'll check on the personal shoppers, but her body style makes it hard to buy anything off the rack. She is shorter and disproportionally heavy in the lower half. So she claims that nothing fits. I've told her she can have her clothes custom made, we can afford it, but that is embarrassing for her. I'm not sure why wearing the wrong size clothes isn't embarrassing.




It's a no win situation IMHO. She either wants to lose it for herself or she doesn't. I found out my wife was secretly eating at work and when I wasn't home. It was an eye opener/game changer for our marriage. For years she said she didn't know why she couldn't lose it but in the end it was just an excuse for a lack of self control (her words). It's true that its harder for most women to lose the weight so it takes extra control on their part to make it happen. The difference between gaining and losing for my wife is not that many calories. 

My advice to you is to continue to focus on yourself, lose the 10lbs and lift some weights. Never mention your wife's weight again and go about taking care of yourself. If your lucky she'll have an epiphany and take some control of her eating habits. There's probably an underlying reason that's causing to her over eat which needs to be addressed, but again its up to her. In my wife's case she was in denial about what actually went into her mouth. She simply would never admit it even if I was there to witness it.

The blood sugar thing is a catch 22. If she ate less sugar or sugar producing foods (Starch, potatoes ect...) she would eventually stop having bad reactions when she was hungry. I have this condition. If I eat poorly on a regular basis and don't excersize I'll get headaches and become weak when hungry. When I eat well (Body for Life style.) and excersize the hunger reaction goes away in about 3 months. She's in a bad cycle like so many other people these days who eat processed food and consume sugar (basically poison) in epic proportions. I'm not perfect by a long shot (+15lbs from HS) but I know exactly what causes my weight gain. My doctor will say "Hey your fat" and I accept that as my failure.


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## trey69

Most people don't just start eating and putting on weight for no reason. There is a underlying issue that needs to be found out and dealt with properly. The trick is getting her checked out medically and also getting her to seek some counseling. Unless she has a medical issue, my guess is she is hurt, either by words or actions of someone or some thing, and she is eating to hide the pain.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Okay, I'm going to be odd man out here as I've had personal experience with this issue.

I actually want my husband to tell me if he finds me unattractive. Sure it might hurt my feelings but how can I fix what I don't know. Why is it offensive to tell someone that you are not attracted to them because they are overweight? Would you want her to tell you? I WOULD WANT TO KNOW. But I'm probably in the minority here.

Also, as someone who had a weight problem at one time. I can tell you that sometimes we are our own worst enemy because we can lose the weight but we sabotage ourselves and then come up with all kinds of excuses on why we are not actually losing weight.

When I used to tell people I'm dieting, but I can't lose weight. Well, I was dieting, but not the kind that would have actually helped me lose weight. 

My point being, I'm not saying she's not trying, but she may also be coming up with excuses on why she can't lose weight--because she really isn't "trying" like she should. Happens all the time in overweight people, all the time. 

The red flags for me in your post, as a prior overweight person (for a short time) is the excuses such as artificial sweetners, low blood sugar, etc. These are all code words for EXCUSES. Sorry...

Issues with artificial sweetners--what has that got to do with losing weight--absolutely nothing. They have different products on the market now where artifical sweetners don't even come into play.

And guess what? Fresh fruit, vegetables, cottage cheese, low fat meats and cheeses don't have artificial sweetners in them.

I'm sorry, but to me...while there might be a medical issue, the majority of overweight people have no medical issue that caused them to gain the weight or is preventing them from losing it. The only thing in their way is THEM. 

How to approach her though? Don't know, you know you're marriage better than I do. Maybe start by offering to prepare meals yourself and learning how to make them healthier or eating what she eats also. It's extremely hard for someone who is trying to lose weight to be around people who are eating normally, if you know what I mean. If you eat what she eats that will help her to stay on a diet program. 

Good luck.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Enginerd said:


> It's a no win situation IMHO. She either wants to lose it for herself or she doesn't. I found out my wife was secretly eating at work and when I wasn't home. It was an eye opener/game changer for our marriage. For years she said she didn't know why she couldn't lose it but in the end it was just an excuse for a lack of self control (her words). It's true that its harder for most women to lose the weight so it takes extra control on their part to make it happen. The difference between gaining and losing for my wife is not that many calories.
> 
> My advice to you is to continue to focus on yourself, lose the 10lbs and lift some weights. Never mention your wife's weight again and go about taking care of yourself. If your lucky she'll have an epiphany and take some control of her eating habits. There's probably an underlying reason that's causing to her over eat which needs to be addressed, but again its up to her. In my wife's case she was in denial about what actually went into her mouth. She simply would never admit it even if I was there to witness it.
> 
> The blood sugar thing is a catch 22. If she ate less sugar or sugar producing foods (Starch, potatoes ect...) she would eventually stop having bad reactions when she was hungry. I have this condition. If I eat poorly on a regular basis and don't excersize I'll get headaches and become weak when hungry. When I eat well (Body for Life style.) and excersize the hunger reaction goes away in about 3 months. She's in a bad cycle like so many other people these days who eat processed food and consume sugar (basically poison) in epic proportions. I'm not perfect by a long shot (+15lbs from HS) but I know exactly what causes my weight gain. My doctor will say "Hey your fat" and I accept that as my failure.


And you hit right on the intent of my post.

She's probably NOT actually dieting, in a true sense of the word and HE doesn't know it.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

trey69 said:


> Most people don't just start eating and putting on weight for no reason. There is a underlying issue that needs to be found out and dealt with properly. The trick is getting her checked out medically and also getting her to seek some counseling. Unless she has a medical issue, my guess is she is hurt, either by words or actions of someone or some thing, and she is eating to hide the pain.


While it could be an emotional or physical issue, some people are overweight simply because they just eat too much and exercise too little.

The Biggest Loser has proved that over and over again.


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## Sbrown

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> While it could be an emotional or physical issue, some people are overweight simply because they just eat too much and exercise too little.
> 
> The Biggest Loser has proved that over and over again.


And even if we think we are eating right sometimes we are not. I wouldn't touch most of the "diet" meals out there. The sugar in "diet" soda is a depressant, and a hunger stimulant! (depressed and hungry that's a good combo)


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## trey69

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> While it could be an emotional or physical issue, some people are overweight simply because they just eat too much and exercise too little.
> 
> The Biggest Loser has proved that over and over again.


Possible, and yes it a choice, but eating to much could be due to other underlying issue(s). Depression, emotional pain, anger, resentment, etc etc. Bottom line, seek counseling to rule that out.


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## Starstarfish

I've said this in other posts, but honestly - playing the food Nazi about her having to tell you everything she eats isn't going to help. That isn't motivating her to find this important herself, it's encouraging a parent/child relationship wherein you set yourself up as a judge. 

I agree if you want to make changes, you need to make them for the whole household, not just impose them on her, if you want to start eating healthier, make it a goal for the whole household to do it. Make it about starting new habits, about getting healthier, not about punishing her. 

Also, I think ultimately, others saying, "well I lost weight, others can too, there are no medical excuses" is - unproven at best. Two people can eat the same food, and get the same amount of exercise, and the results can be vastly different. What works for one person may or may not work for someone else. 

If you want a professional opinion on what she can do - get her to a doctor or personal trainer, and/or both. Only someone able to examine her, and get blood work, or other tests if neccessary is going to be able to say whether or not there's an underlying problem.


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## KathyBatesel

Jeapordy said:


> I'm looking for advice on how to start a conversation with my W on her weight. No matter how I do it, she will be hurt and upset. She will probably lash out and cry. I think she knows her weight is a problem but she is in denial. I think she is probably waiting for me to bring it up because she can then attack me for being insensitive, instead of taking ownership over the issue.
> I love my wife. I will not give her an ultimatum. I vowed to love her in good and bad times, in sickness and health. This is a health issue. But I didn't vow to like the way she looks no matter what. She has gained a little weight every year, so now she is probably 50 lbs over her wedding weight (I'm probably 10 lbs over mine). She has never told me her weight, and I'm not dumb enough to ask. I didn't get too worried after the kids, but its been over 10 years since the last kid was born. She was a size 6 when we got married, and now she is a size 14. I don't need her to be a size 6, but I started to have issues when she got above a size 10.
> She exercises and attempts to lose weight. But it is feast or famine. She went to Weight Watchers for a while, but when she plateaus, she gives up. She says that she doesn't cheat on her diet, but I don't know. When dieting doesn't work, she'll do a lot of exercise, but she hurts her ankle or her back because is carrying too much weight, and she'll have to stop. We are fairly active together. We walk, swim, ride bikes. She is not a couch potato. She says that she just can't lose the weight. She has a lot of issues with artificial sweetners, so diet foods are out of the question. She also gets wicked head aches if her sugar levels get low, so dieting is tough. From a health standpoint, other than her weight being in the "obese" category, she is medically very healthy.
> The sex is still good when she wears sexy outfits or we watch porn or use toys, but I need that something extra to get past how she looks. I think the last straw was yesterday when I saw her outside wearing prego jeans that fit way too snug and really bring out the worst parts of her. She really needs to be on that show "what not to wear". Her wardrobe is awful. She dresses like she is a size 10. But women don't want to hear fashion advice from their husbands.
> Help. I need to encourage her to make changes, but I don't want to torch the marriage in the process. I love her, but I don't like how she looks.


I think some of your concerns are valid and some aren't.

You started by saying it's a "health" issue, but didn't say she has a single health issue due to her weight. You did say plenty about you don't find her attractive, though, so I'll assume that is the real issue. You say you want to "encourage her to make changes" and accuse her of not "owning" the problem. Finally,
you're aware that she'll say you're insensitive if you bring it up.

You said that she is a size 14 "ten years after having the last child" so I am assuming she is in her 30s. She is actually very close to the average American woman's size. In fact, at her age, a size 6 might be dangerously unhealthy. If you truly are concerned about her health, I hope you'll keep this in mind. 

If you tell her that you are less attracted because of her weight, it will forever change what she thinks about herself. Right now, she knows she would like to look better. She diets and tries to "dress young" to look her best - even if it's not working. But if she comes to believe that YOU, her husband and the one person whose opinions can reach deep into her heart, don't like the way she looks, after all the efforts she has already been putting into her appearance, what do you seriously think will happen? 

Certainly you didn't take a vow to feel attracted no matter what she looks like. But did you really expect her to look the same way on into her middle age and senior years? 

It will be just as "easy" for you to find her body shape attractive as it is for her to lose weight, so I hope you'll start sweeping your own doorstep before worrying about hers. Consider that her body shape IS the shape of a woman who has brought your children into the world, parented them, and shown you love, dedication, and commitment for all these years. That size 6 body style is nothing more than a promise of hot sex. 

The one thing that you could legitimately address is her choice in clothing, but only if you do it in a way that's supportive and loving. Offer to take her clothes shopping to select clothes together. She'll value your opinion on whether it looks great or if another style or color might look better. When she does wear something that accentuates her best features, compliment her and show her physical affection for her efforts. 

Ok... I'm off to read what everyone else has said.

ETA: I've read the other posts now, and had missed the blood sugar/headaches part of the OP. Certainly you an encourage her to get checkups for these things.


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## Ducky316

You started to have an issue with her weight when she got to a size 10, and now she is a size 14 and you consider that obese? Average size for a female is 12/14. That's all I'm going to say for fear of losing my cool......


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## CandieGirl

wiigirl said:


> Be careful though....anything to do with weight with women is a landmine!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True....September 3, 1998...out at the creek with my then BF....I was bending over doing something, and the idiot goes "Phuck, you got a big ass....!"....LMAO! Musta weight all of 135 back then! :lol:


----------



## Jeapordy

Her doctor told her she is obese for her height/age. It wasn't my designation. That made her unhappy, but I think she felt that the scale that they use to determine obesity isn't accurate.
And just because women in America are averaging a size 12-14 doesn't make it right or healthy. 50% of the people in America are obese. If we just said that "average" weight was not obese, then we wouldn't have an obesity problem.

I said above that I am okay with a size 10 because I don't expect her to stay a size 6 forever. But if she is a size 14 now, what will it be in another 10-20 years. There is a trend here you can't ignore.


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## A Bit Much

Jeapordy said:


> Her doctor told her she is obese for her height/age. It wasn't my designation. That made her unhappy, but I think she felt that the scale that they use to determine obesity isn't accurate.
> And just because women in America are averaging a size 12-14 doesn't make it right or healthy. 50% of the people in America are obese. If we just said that "average" weight was not obese, then we wouldn't have an obesity problem.
> 
> I said above that I am okay with a size 10 because I don't expect her to stay a size 6 forever. But if she is a size 14 now, what will it be in another 10-20 years. There is a trend here you can't ignore.


It made her unhappy and for all intents and purposes... she IS doing things about it. Maybe not to your satisfaction, as you're not seeing the results you would like to be seeing.

I really don't know how you're going to resolve this unless you are able to have an open and honest conversation with her and how you're feeling about it. Or. You can continue to say nothing and sulk about it secretly. 

You want to see change. She's not aware of just HOW MUCH change you want to see. That one is going to be up to you sir.


----------



## Ducky316

Jeapordy said:


> 50% of the people in America are obese. If we just said that "average" weight was not obese, then we wouldn't have an obesity problem.


Actually the correct stats for obesity in America is 35.7%.


----------



## La Rose Noire

Ducky316 said:


> Actually the correct stats for obesity in America is 35.7%.


But 2/3 of Americans are overweight. That's the majority. Just because the average size for women is 14 doesn't mean it's healthy. 

As for a size 6 being unhealthy for a woman in her 30s, that's nonsense. My aunt was a size 2 until she hit her 60s. Incredibly healthy and in shape all her life. 

OP, the blood sugar issue sounds like she is addicted to carbs. I would first rule out any health conditions with a doctor and then encourage her to eat Paleo. It's a lifestyle choice and it's something you should be ready to embark on with her. The reason the average American is overweight is because it's a carb addicted nation. You should read up on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HopelesslyJaded

My only real advise on this is LEAD BY EXAMPLE.

This would include diet and exercise. Just because your not I overweight don't make you any more in shape.

Plus if what she wears isn't doing it for you. Go shopping with her. Let her try on things and you say Yay or Nay. You don't have to say why you don't like it, just hand her the next article to try on. 

I mean really if you didn't start not likeing her looks until she got over a size 10 and she is a size 14 now. You may be only looking at 20lbs depending on her height. You don't necessarily have to get all "intervention mode" on her. She's not morbidly obese.


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## chillymorn

well its like any other bad habit.....smoking,drinking ,porn, whatever bad habit you want to put in.



people won't change until THEY want to change for themselves. they might try a little but it won't last until they are fed up with themselves and then they really try.


tell her shes not as attractive to you might help her to be motivated .but most likley she will just think your shallow for not loving her the way she is.


when sombody looks 50 lbs over weight they are usually much more than that. the healthy angle is your best choice.

diet food is terrible for you .....much better just trying to eat unprocessed foods and in moderation. oh we all have two arms that can be use to push ourselves away from he table that works well also. will she be hungey YES but once her body gets used to it it will be easier. no magic bullit here just old fashon foritude.


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## HopelesslyJaded

CandieGirl said:


> True....September 3, 1998...out at the creek with my then BF....I was bending over doing something, and the idiot goes "Phuck, you got a big ass....!"....LMAO! Musta weight all of 135 back then! :lol:


You sound like me. That was 15 years ago and you remember it down to the date. Stuff like that sticks with me too. What a douche!


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## WorkingOnMe

HopelesslyJaded said:


> You sound like me. That was 15 years ago and you remember it down to the date. Stuff like that sticks with me too. What a douche!


I say that all the time to my wife. Does it make a difference if I mean it in a good way and my tone of voice is the same as when I'm talking about a yummy piece of cheesecake I'm about to eat?


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## Therealbrighteyes

I'm going to get barbecued here but I don't think gaining 50 lbs and not liking it is something OP should get skewered for. 50 lbs puts her in the realm of a different person and NOT the person he married. In sickness and in health is all fine and well but this is about not keeping up her end of the bargain, something that was implied in the marriage vows. Part of honoring and cherishing your partner. 
This isn't the case of a tragic accident and losing a limb or having cancer and losing breasts or even the normal aging process. This is a willful disregard for his feelings and now he is made to feel guilty that he doesn't find her as attractive anymore? 

To the OP, unless she wants to change, she will not. I agree with others about a medical checkup but I suspect it isn't that. I think a real heart to heart conversation is in order. You could frame it as "Hey, I've gained some weight and noticed you have too, let's go for a walk right now, get some fresh air and enjoy the evening". To me, that would sound non-threatening and in a gentle way open up dialogue.


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## ladybird

Some people have problems loosing weight. 

Take my mom for instance, when she goes on a diet she gains weight. 

Your wife may have a thyroid problem, get her into the DR to get it checked out.

NEVER EVER tell a woman that she is over weight if you value your life. She already knows and she doesn't need you to tell her.. If you have the "talk" she will feel worse about her self. 

Instead of having the "your to fat" for me speech. Ask her to join a gym with you or go for walks/runs together. Go on a low carb diet together. Tell her you would like to do it together.

just my 2 cents

http://lowcarbdiets.about.com/od/lowcarb101/a/gettingstarted.htm


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## that_girl

I gained 30 pounds within a few months because of female issues and a tumor. 

Has she had a physical?


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## Starstarfish

The other thing the medical check up might help with is talking about other birth control options - is she currently using a hormonal method? That can make some women hold some serious weight, even if they are eating right and exercising.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Jeapordy said:


> Her doctor told her she is obese for her height/age. It wasn't my designation. That made her unhappy, but I think she felt that the scale that they use to determine obesity isn't accurate.
> And just because women in America are averaging a size 12-14 doesn't make it right or healthy. 50% of the people in America are obese. If we just said that "average" weight was not obese, then we wouldn't have an obesity problem.
> 
> I said above that I am okay with a size 10 because I don't expect her to stay a size 6 forever. But if she is a size 14 now, what will it be in another 10-20 years. There is a trend here you can't ignore.


She felt the scale they used isn't accurate - SHE IS IN COMPLETE DENIAL...this says it right here.

Until she gets on board with her own weight and health issues, there's nothing you can say or do to get her motivated, it's got to come from her and it's obvious that she is in denial--big time.


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## MEM2020

J,
You sit down and make up a list of problem foods - twinkies, cookies, chips. And if she drinks soda - get her to give that up because soda does not stimulate a satiety response. So you are consuming a lot of calories and feel just as hungry within a short timel 




Jeapordy said:


> I'm looking for advice on how to start a conversation with my W on her weight. No matter how I do it, she will be hurt and upset. She will probably lash out and cry. I think she knows her weight is a problem but she is in denial. I think she is probably waiting for me to bring it up because she can then attack me for being insensitive, instead of taking ownership over the issue.
> I love my wife. I will not give her an ultimatum. I vowed to love her in good and bad times, in sickness and health. This is a health issue. But I didn't vow to like the way she looks no matter what. She has gained a little weight every year, so now she is probably 50 lbs over her wedding weight (I'm probably 10 lbs over mine). She has never told me her weight, and I'm not dumb enough to ask. I didn't get too worried after the kids, but its been over 10 years since the last kid was born. She was a size 6 when we got married, and now she is a size 14. I don't need her to be a size 6, but I started to have issues when she got above a size 10.
> She exercises and attempts to lose weight. But it is feast or famine. She went to Weight Watchers for a while, but when she plateaus, she gives up. She says that she doesn't cheat on her diet, but I don't know. When dieting doesn't work, she'll do a lot of exercise, but she hurts her ankle or her back because is carrying too much weight, and she'll have to stop. We are fairly active together. We walk, swim, ride bikes. She is not a couch potato. She says that she just can't lose the weight. She has a lot of issues with artificial sweetners, so diet foods are out of the question. She also gets wicked head aches if her sugar levels get low, so dieting is tough. From a health standpoint, other than her weight being in the "obese" category, she is medically very healthy.
> The sex is still good when she wears sexy outfits or we watch porn or use toys, but I need that something extra to get past how she looks. I think the last straw was yesterday when I saw her outside wearing prego jeans that fit way too snug and really bring out the worst parts of her. She really needs to be on that show "what not to wear". Her wardrobe is awful. She dresses like she is a size 10. But women don't want to hear fashion advice from their husbands.
> Help. I need to encourage her to make changes, but I don't want to torch the marriage in the process. I love her, but I don't like how she looks.


----------



## Sbrown

MEM11363 said:


> J,
> You sit down and make up a list of problem foods - twinkies, cookies, chips. And if she drinks soda - get her to give that up because soda does not stimulate a satiety response. So you are consuming a lot of calories and feel just as hungry within a short timel


Twinkies, cookies, chips and soda are the obvious "junk" foods, but it is the ones we would never consider that are IMO keeping us fat. Bread is LOADED with sugar, vegetable oil is considered by some nutritionist a horrible oil and should be avoided at all costs. Even our natural fruits and vegies have been so modified they can have tons more sugar in them than a "natural" fruit. (chakita bananas)


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## Ducky316

Nice to know so many perfect people on this thread.

She KNOWS she's fat..believe me!! And you pointing it out is only going to cause her feelings to get hurt...but maybe that doesn't matter.

I can't imagine not being attracted to or loving my husband because he gained 50 lbs. The reasons why I love him have nothing to do with his physical appearence. Maybe you should examine why you are really with your wife.


Oh and the subject line should be "you're too fat" not your.


----------



## Cosmos

I know we're all different, but I would like to think that my partner would gently, but firmly, tell it as it is if I need to lose weight. 

Recently, we both gained weight and both have health issues that don't make this a good idea, so we told one another that we both need to shed the extra pounds by giving up the comfort food we'd been indulging in.

Together we've made important changes to our lifestyles and have made cooking healthy, nutritious meals a fun, joint project. I encourage him to go cycling, and he checks up on me to make sure my gravity strider is no longer gathering dust. We count calories together, praise each other for each pound we lose and remind one another that 'treats' are actually punishments.

Perhaps getting actively involved in your W's eating / exercising habits might help her break out of the cycle of denial that we all go through.


----------



## Sbrown

Ducky316 said:


> *Nice to know so many perfect people on this thread.*
> 
> She KNOWS she's fat..believe me!! And you pointing it out is only going to cause her feelings to get hurt...but maybe that doesn't matter.
> 
> I can't imagine not being attracted to or loving my husband because he gained 50 lbs. The reasons why I love him have nothing to do with his physical appearence. Maybe you should examine why you are really with your wife.
> 
> 
> *Oh and the subject line should be "you're too fat" not your.*


LOL, I love the lines in bold, they truly should be in the same post. 

While she may know she is fat, she may assume that her husband doesn't mind and is fine with it. Honesty in a marriage is a good thing. As I have said in my PP my wife and I are brutally honest and if feelings get hurt we sort through that AFTER the truth comes out. The truth is NEVER wrong!

Too the OP, you have to express how you feel about her size, if not it could eat at you and build resentment. And for goodness sakes throw out the maternity pants!


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## CallaLily

Make sure if you do throw out her maternity pants, then its ok for her to throw something of yours out!


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Ducky316 said:


> Nice to know so many perfect people on this thread.
> 
> She KNOWS she's fat..believe me!! And you pointing it out is only going to cause her feelings to get hurt...but maybe that doesn't matter.
> 
> I can't imagine not being attracted to or loving my husband because he gained 50 lbs. The reasons why I love him have nothing to do with his physical appearence. Maybe you should examine why you are really with your wife.
> 
> 
> Oh and the subject line should be "you're too fat" not your.


Is your husband overweight? Are you?

If not, then how do you really know how you would feel, you don't walk in his shoes. You can make comments all day long about what YOU would do, but if you haven't been faced with the situation, how do you really know?

And BTW, correcting his grammar--immature at best--hypocritical also as you mention in your post that we all must be perfect--well, you just did the same thing.

As a former overweight person, I totally understand his point of view. You are FIRST physically attracted to someone, that's how it works, things move on from there. So if the person is not physically attractive anymore, you can still love them, you just aren't sexually/physically attracted to them anymore. One doesn't necessarily have to do with the other.

And it has nothing to do with being perfect. A LOT of women tend to just let it go after marriage, they no longer take care of themselves, use childbirth as an excuse to be overweight and obese but still expect to attract their spouse like that 100lbs of weight never happened.

Call it shallow, but I must be a guy--I have the same issue.

Perhaps you carry some extra weight and this makes you sensitive to this subject, if not, then great. If so, then no need to push your own insecurities onto someone else--everyone is entitled to their OWN opinions, including you.


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## Jeapordy

I haven't had the honesty talk yet. I don't expect it will go well, so I hoped for some suggestions from women here on the best way to do it.
So far, no consensus. Many suggestions to go the medical route, some to be brutally honest and some to not touch the subject and suck it up.


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## Sbrown

CallaLily said:


> Make sure if you do throw out her maternity pants, then its ok for her to throw something of yours out!


Tit for tat, really?


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## CallaLily

Sbrown said:


> Tit for tat, really?


Its a controlling move for him to do that. And likely wont change a thing. So IMO no he shouldn't do that.


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## sisters359

Probably someone has pointed this out, but you have said it is a health issue--and then you wrote, "I started to have issues when she reached a size 10." You also criticized her wardrobe. Be honest with yourself, first and foremost. If you are too shallow to love and find your wife sexy at a size 10 (when she is simply overweight), then a lot of this is about YOU. Yes, if she is now obese, there is a health issue, but sadly, that does not seem to be your concern at all.


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## Sbrown

sisters359 said:


> Probably someone has pointed this out, but you have said it is a health issue--and then you wrote, "I started to have issues when she reached a size 10." You also criticized her wardrobe. Be honest with yourself, first and foremost. If you are too shallow to love and find your wife sexy at a size 10 (when she is simply overweight), then a lot of this is about YOU. Yes, if she is now obese, there is a health issue, but sadly, that does not seem to be your concern at all.


size 10 could still be a health issue. But I do agree that the health aspect of it is just a cover. But even if it is, her weight is still a problem for their marriage.


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## Jamison

Here is my 2 cents on it. 

1. Accept it for what it is. 
2. Complain about it, in hopes the complaining will change things. 
3. Leave and find someone who meets your criteria of physical appearance. 

Not trying to be harsh or anything, just saying sometimes you gotta call something for what it is. You can't fix her, but you can work on you.


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## Feelingdown

I've never understood stuff like this. Why can't you tell your partner if she's gaining too much weight? What can't you tell them if you don't like what they wear? You can do that without being an arse about it and without making a huge fuss over it.

Nothing wrong with wanting your wife/husband to look at their best. That being said, I think you should always find them desirable regardless.


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## Emerald

Jeapordy said:


> I haven't had the honesty talk yet. I don't expect it will go well, so I hoped for some suggestions from women here on the best way to do it.
> So far, no consensus. Many suggestions to go the medical route, some to be brutally honest and some to not touch the subject and suck it up.


You never answered my question about her mother's weight and/or genetics. She may have a very slow metabolism.

How tall is your wife?

I'm with you OP. 50 pounds overweight would seriously bother me. I asked my H & he agrees but we can openly discuss it w/o hurt feelings. I know this doesn't help you - just wanted to show you that some couples can discuss it calmly.

BTW, I am 5'6", small-boned & a size 6 is a healthy weight for me. Am I right when I say when your wife was a size 6, she looked healthy?

When you lose attraction for your spouse for whatever reason, it is a serious problem. It could lead to affairs, resentments, unhappiness & divorce.

What is the worst fear if you share with her your true feelings?


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## sisters359

My point is, he won't be satisfied unless she looks a certain way--and that is unrealistic. Most people who write about this mention that they were still attracted until the partner became truly obese, and between the health issues and lack of attraction, they are unhappy now. But this guy is claiming it is about health, and then making it very clear it is NOT. 

I understand that obesity is unattractive to most people. But having an unrealistic expectation of what changes your partner will go through, physically, as s/he ages is just a completely different thing.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

sisters359 said:


> My point is, he won't be satisfied unless she looks a certain way--and that is unrealistic. Most people who write about this mention that they were still attracted until the partner became truly obese, and between the health issues and lack of attraction, they are unhappy now. But this guy is claiming it is about health, and then making it very clear it is NOT.
> 
> I understand that obesity is unattractive to most people. But having an unrealistic expectation of what changes your partner will go through, physically, as s/he ages is just a completely different thing.


I don't think it's unrealistic to expect your spouse to not be as round as they are tall (unless that turns you on--different strokes). 

Changing with age is one thing, letting yourself go to hell in a handbasket is another.

Without a DOCUMENTED, actual health issue, I don't believe this crap of slow metabolism, etc., keeping people from losing weight.

I have an extremely slow metabolism and can gain 10lbs just by driving past a McDonald's, I don't even have to go in.

But when I was fat, I can admit, it was because I ate too much and ate too much of the wrong things and didn't get up off my fat ass. Period - plain and simple. Had nothing to do with my thyroid, metabolism, genetics, and all the hooey. I was just a pig - call it what it is.

MOST, not all overweight people fit that same category. They eat too much, eat too much of the wrong foods and sit on their butt. How is that attractive? If you don't care about youself, why should you expect me to care? 

I don't consider it shallow at all. Age does change things--wrinkles, saggy skin, lack of energy, vision problems--I know, I'm in the middle of it all - but I don't have to add fat ass to the mix--age doesn't equal GET FAT. 

Let's quit making excuses FOR HER, she's making enough for herself. Low blood sugar, sure that could be hypoglycemia, but that also doesn't prevent someone from dieting. Headaches with low blood sugar - also not a deterrent to dieting. These are all excuses.

I wonder how she would feel if HE were 50 lbs overweight and wearing tight clothes and looked awful? He has the right to expect an attractive wife--he said nothing about how she looks as she's aging--he said she's fat and it turns him off - what's the matter with that?

If she values her marriage more than she does her twinkies, she'll listen to him, if not, then when he strays or leaves her eventually - she'll have no one to blame but herself.


----------



## Enginerd

Ducky316 said:


> Nice to know so many perfect people on this thread.
> 
> She KNOWS she's fat..believe me!! And you pointing it out is only going to cause her feelings to get hurt...but maybe that doesn't matter.
> 
> I can't imagine not being attracted to or loving my husband because he gained 50 lbs. The reasons why I love him have nothing to do with his physical appearence. Maybe you should examine why you are really with your wife.
> 
> 
> Oh and the subject line should be "you're too fat" not your.



Men value physical appearance and it drives the majority of our sexual attraction. It's a universal truth and its natures way of keeping our species healthy. Ignore this fact at your own peril.


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## KSD9807

There is no way to bring it up that wont hurt her feelings and cause conflict.In my opinion I wouldnt bringing it up at all. My dh accepts me for me and never bring my weight up.


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## costa200

This guy is getting a lot of stick in this thread... Unwarranted because he isn't making an ultimatum or anything. He wants his wife to lose weight for several reasons. That's not some horrible thing to ask. 

Take this as the proverbial thread where the woman complains about the husband not paying enough attention to her. What if a guy just drops by and tells her if she can't live with that level of attention then you don't really love him and should find someone who will give the attention you want. 

To the OP, there is no way to lose weight without a proper diet. If your wife isn't willing to change eating habits (visit a nutritionist for this) you'll have little hope of seeing a slimmer her.


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## KathyBatesel

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I'm going to get barbecued here but I don't think gaining 50 lbs and not liking it is something OP should get skewered for. 50 lbs puts her in the realm of a different person and NOT the person he married. In sickness and in health is all fine and well but this is about not keeping up her end of the bargain, something that was implied in the marriage vows. Part of honoring and cherishing your partner.
> This isn't the case of a tragic accident and losing a limb or having cancer and losing breasts or even the normal aging process. This is a willful disregard for his feelings and now he is made to feel guilty that he doesn't find her as attractive anymore?
> 
> To the OP, unless she wants to change, she will not. I agree with others about a medical checkup but I suspect it isn't that. I think a real heart to heart conversation is in order. You could frame it as "Hey, I've gained some weight and noticed you have too, let's go for a walk right now, get some fresh air and enjoy the evening". To me, that would sound non-threatening and in a gentle way open up dialogue.


If she was saying, "Oh, well, just live with it," then I'd agree with you. But if she's dieting and following her doc's orders, then I'd have to say it's really about him having unrealistic expectations.


----------



## cloudwithleggs

I never said anything for the first 10 years of my super morbidly obese now estranged husband, but since i see it for what it is i did.

He is in denial on his weight apparently women really fancy him even teen girls, he even had the cheek to say if i ever got fat he would not be attracted to me.

I do not find obese attractive, but what really killed it for me was his personality.

It is not at all healthy to be obese and not at all fair on the other spouse, we have a duty to stay as healthy an as attractive as possible for each other.

oh i have a thyroid condition and get low blood sugar and yes i have been tested in hospital by my endo, i only ever put on 14lbs untreated.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

KathyBatesel said:


> If she was saying, "Oh, well, just live with it," then I'd agree with you. But if she's dieting and following her doc's orders, then I'd have to say it's really about him having unrealistic expectations.


If she is dieting and following doctors orders, she wouldn't still be 50 lbs overweight. Bottom line though, she has to be willing to change which it appears is not the case.


----------



## KSD9807

If being overweight is causing health problems than maybe her dr needs to have a talk with her. Gaining weight is a fact of life as long as its not causing health problems. I have gained weight and so has my husband . we accept each other for who we are.


----------



## Template

I was on the receiving end of the "talk" and it was not pretty. He made it clear he was no longer attracted to me, called me names, and issued an ultimatum.
I lost the weight but my resentment grew each step I took on the treadmill and every time I was hungry. I got my figure back, took a vacation on my own, planned an exit strategy and implemented it. He was stunned. Could not understand how his treatment of me caused me to fall out of love with him.
What I would recommend and would have preferred is that you make this a family affair. Broach it with you need to lose some weight and get fitter and you need her help for you to be successful. Either sign up at the gym or get one of those Insanity tapes and start doing it. Pick a diet program and start following it. (I like Paleo) You buy the food. You cook the food. See if she will join you in trying new recipes. Invite her to walk with you. If she sees it is working for you, she may follow. She will be aware of the admiring glances you get from other women and that might motivate her. And if it comes to leaving the marriage, you will be in great shape to find someone who is more physically appealing to you. 
All I am saying is that it is really hard to completely change your lifestyle because your spouse doesnt think you are pretty and thin enough any more. Losing weight and keeping it off requires a complete lifestyle change, not just a diet and some exercise. She knows that on some level. It is an overwhelming prospect for most people who are so busy with jobs, kids, husbands, aging parents, houses, etc. If you have someone to share the sacrifice with, it is easier. Misery loves company


----------



## La Rose Noire

Sbrown said:


> Twinkies, cookies, chips and soda are the obvious "junk" foods, but it is the ones we would never consider that are IMO keeping us fat. Bread is LOADED with sugar, vegetable oil is considered by some nutritionist a horrible oil and should be avoided at all costs. Even our natural fruits and vegies have been so modified they can have tons more sugar in them than a "natural" fruit. (chakita bananas)


Exactly. Bread, pasta, rice, noodles, fruit juices are all problem foods, especially in abundance. 

I like to use olive and coconut oil personally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much

> I was on the receiving end of the "talk" and it was not pretty. He made it clear he was no longer attracted to me, called me names, and issued an ultimatum.


The delivery is key. You can be honest and not go all bonehead on your spouse. That's just unkind.


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## Jamison

So, to the OP, now that you have 6 pages here so far, with different advice, whats your plan?


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## La Rose Noire

KSD9807 said:


> If being overweight is causing health problems than maybe her dr needs to have a talk with her. Gaining weight is a fact of life as long as its not causing health problems. I have gained weight and so has my husband . we accept each other for who we are.


Gaining weight is NOT a fact of life, it's an option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Starstarfish

If rice and noodles are so bad, how do so many Asian cuisines rely on them almost exclusively, and folks seem to have far less weight and health problems than us (IE - the Westernized world). I think trying to point the fingers at one specific food, is really simplifying a problem about making overall better choices. 

Of course, what is the better choice, there's endless debate about, is the solution going vegetarian? Mediterranean? Paleo? Gluten Free? Again, I'd recommend asking a professional - a doctor, a nutritionist, something. 

Different people have different dietary needs.


----------



## 40isthenew20

I can give simple advice on what works in losing weight, but it's an unpopular answer: low to no carbs, high protein and lots of cardio. If you are strict with it, the pounds will come - and stay - off. 

All of these fad diets and low fat foods are stopgap measures and things will reverse once you cheat on the diet. 

I love pizza and macaroni, but made a decision back in march to look better and changed what many would have considered a fairly clean diet to a spotless one. 

I then upped the cardio and worked out harder than ever. I have visible abs again for the first time in I've 20 years. 

As far as bringing the subject up, I suggest to te OP to make it a team effort. You said that you're 10 pounds heavier, so join a gym together and get rid of all the crap food.


----------



## La Rose Noire

Starstarfish said:


> If rice and noodles are so bad, how do so many Asian cuisines rely on them almost exclusively, and folks seem to have far less weight and health problems than us (IE - the Westernized world). I think trying to point the fingers at one specific food, is really simplifying a problem about making overall better choices.
> 
> Of course, what is the better choice, there's endless debate about, is the solution going vegetarian? Mediterranean? Paleo? Gluten Free? Again, I'd recommend asking a professional - a doctor, a nutritionist, something.
> 
> Different people have different dietary needs.


People in Asia are always outside and eat lots of protein as well. They get far more exercise than Americans. 

Notice how so many Asians in America are overweight too? The lazy lifestyle combined with poor diet is what does it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## A Bit Much

Asking a professional is the way to go. There is no one size fits all when it comes to diet and exercise.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

KSD9807 said:


> There is no way to bring it up that wont hurt her feelings and cause conflict.In my opinion I wouldnt bringing it up at all. My dh accepts me for me and never bring my weight up.


Glad to hear it, but how do you know if he's afraid to tell you?

You don't.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

Template said:


> I was on the receiving end of the "talk" and it was not pretty. He made it clear he was no longer attracted to me, called me names, and issued an ultimatum.
> I lost the weight but my resentment grew each step I took on the treadmill and every time I was hungry. I got my figure back, took a vacation on my own, planned an exit strategy and implemented it. He was stunned. Could not understand how his treatment of me caused me to fall out of love with him.
> What I would recommend and would have preferred is that you make this a family affair. Broach it with you need to lose some weight and get fitter and you need her help for you to be successful. Either sign up at the gym or get one of those Insanity tapes and start doing it. Pick a diet program and start following it. (I like Paleo) You buy the food. You cook the food. See if she will join you in trying new recipes. Invite her to walk with you. If she sees it is working for you, she may follow. She will be aware of the admiring glances you get from other women and that might motivate her. And if it comes to leaving the marriage, you will be in great shape to find someone who is more physically appealing to you.
> All I am saying is that it is really hard to completely change your lifestyle because your spouse doesnt think you are pretty and thin enough any more. Losing weight and keeping it off requires a complete lifestyle change, not just a diet and some exercise. She knows that on some level. It is an overwhelming prospect for most people who are so busy with jobs, kids, husbands, aging parents, houses, etc. If you have someone to share the sacrifice with, it is easier. Misery loves company


But you're husband did it the wrong way--he called you names and didn't approach it from a loving aspect. So of course you were resentful, etc.

But why is it hard to hear that you are not attractive because you got too heavy? My husband told me and sure it hurt, but he was right--so I lost the weight, but I wasn't resentful or felt he didn't love me. He married a fit woman, not an obese woman, if that' s what he wanted he would have married that in the first place.

Sorry that your husband was a complete a-hole and went about it the wrong way--but there is a right way to approach it, he didn't use it.


----------



## Jeapordy

Jamison said:


> So, to the OP, now that you have 6 pages here so far, with different advice, whats your plan?


Based on the feedback here, I think timing is going to be everything. She will ocassionally complain about clothes not fitting or the exercise/dieting not working. That would be the time to say "It stinks that all your hard work is not giving you results, maybe its time to see a doctor for your thyriod. "
That acknowledges her effort, and makes it so I'm not accusing her of not trying.
The conversation may flow from there or it may die there.
She did ask me a long time ago if her weight affected our sex life, and if she lost weight, would it improve our sex life. Big red DANGER flags were popping up in my head.
I said that her losing weight certainly wouldn't hurt our sex life, but I didn't go as far as to say that our sex life would be better if she lost weight. I was afraid that this was a trap to get me to say that I didn't find her attractive, and the last thing I want to do is make her lose the weight for me, because she will resent me for all the effort instead of doing it for herself (and me). She needs to hear the truth, but hearing the truth from me gives her a way to resent me for being insensitive and then she doesn't have to think about the real reason that she is gaining weight.


----------



## Coffee Amore

Jeapordy said:


> Based on the feedback here, I think timing is going to be everything. She will ocassionally complain about clothes not fitting or the exercise/dieting not working. That would be the time to say "It stinks that all your hard work is not giving you results, maybe its time to see a doctor for your thyriod. "
> That acknowledges her effort, and makes it so I'm not accusing her of not trying.
> The conversation may flow from there or it may die there.
> She did ask me a long time ago if her weight affected our sex life, and if she lost weight, would it improve our sex life. Big red DANGER flags were popping up in my head.
> I said that her losing weight certainly wouldn't hurt our sex life, but I didn't go as far as to say that our sex life would be better if she lost weight. I was afraid that this was a trap to get me to say that I didn't find her attractive, and the last thing I want to do is make her lose the weight for me, because she will resent me for all the effort instead of doing it for herself (and me). She needs to hear the truth, but hearing the truth from me gives her a way to resent me for being insensitive and then she doesn't have to think about the real reason that she is gaining weight.



I think waiting for the right opening is the way to go and of course, choose your words carefully. You seem sensitive to her issues. I've seen threads here from other husbands who weren't as compassionate. 

We should all be able to have an honest conversation with our spouses if they gained a lot of weight and to me, a 50 pound weight gain is a lot. I don't understand the people who gave the OP a hard time. Did it strike a nerve? Perhaps. But love and sexual attraction are two different things. You can love someone but still be put off by their big weight gain. It's not easy to hear, but is often true.

Getting obese as one gets older isn't inevitable either. We can't all be reed thin but staying within a healthy limit for one's weight is doable even though it's not easy. Trust me, I know first hand. I gain weight easily and I'm married to someone who has an easy time maintaining his weight. But tracking food intake and exercising regularly helps.


----------



## ladybird

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I don't think it's unrealistic to expect your spouse to not be as round as they are tall (unless that turns you on--different strokes).
> 
> Changing with age is one thing, letting yourself go to hell in a handbasket is another.
> 
> Without a DOCUMENTED, actual health issue, I don't believe this crap of slow metabolism, etc., keeping people from losing weight.
> 
> I have an extremely slow metabolism and can gain 10lbs just by driving past a McDonald's, I don't even have to go in.
> 
> But when I was fat, I can admit, it was because I ate too much and ate too much of the wrong things and didn't get up off my fat ass. Period - plain and simple. Had nothing to do with my thyroid, metabolism, genetics, and all the hooey. I was just a pig - call it what it is.
> 
> MOST, not all overweight people fit that same category. They eat too much, eat too much of the wrong foods and sit on their butt. How is that attractive? If you don't care about youself, why should you expect me to care?
> 
> I don't consider it shallow at all. Age does change things--wrinkles, saggy skin, lack of energy, vision problems--I know, I'm in the middle of it all - but I don't have to add fat ass to the mix--age doesn't equal GET FAT.
> 
> Let's quit making excuses FOR HER, she's making enough for herself. Low blood sugar, sure that could be hypoglycemia, but that also doesn't prevent someone from dieting. Headaches with low blood sugar - also not a deterrent to dieting. These are all excuses.
> 
> I wonder how she would feel if HE were 50 lbs overweight and wearing tight clothes and looked awful? He has the right to expect an attractive wife--he said nothing about how she looks as she's aging--he said she's fat and it turns him off - what's the matter with that?
> 
> If she values her marriage more than she does her twinkies, she'll listen to him, if not, then when he strays or leaves her eventually - she'll have no one to blame but herself.



I was a size 2 when i married my husband 15 years ago. I was maybe 102 lbs. It looked sick! I ate like a horse lol. I could eat a medium pizza all to my self in one sitting and not worry about gaining a pound.

My Dr at the time tested my thyroid, it was hyper active, no wonder i could not gain any weight, my body would burn it to fast.

Now i am 34 years old 140 lbs and a size 8. I lost a lot of weight over the last couple of years. I stay pretty active, chaising a toddler all day. I don't eat much junk food. I try to eat healthy. My husband has gained 50-60 or more pounds since we were married. His Dr even told him that he needs to loose weight, has he tried, NO! Would I ever tell him that he is to fat, No!

I am going to get him out for walks 2 times a day. before he goes to work and after he gets home. and on his days off.

I do agree that sitting on your butt is un-attractive, my husband does it every night after work and does as little as possible on his days off. Sits infront of the TV, While i am running around after a toodler and cleaning cooking and all that. I don't have time to even sit down for 5 minutes let alone all day long.


----------



## costa200

Starstarfish said:


> If rice and noodles are so bad, how do so many Asian cuisines rely on them almost exclusively, and folks seem to have far less weight and health problems than us


It's not only about what you eat. It's also about quantity. The quantity of calories Asians typically eat are inferior to ours. Even because the way the food is prepared also factors in.


----------



## Enginerd

Template said:


> I was on the receiving end of the "talk" and it was not pretty. He made it clear he was no longer attracted to me, called me names, and issued an ultimatum.
> I lost the weight but my resentment grew each step I took on the treadmill and every time I was hungry. I got my figure back, took a vacation on my own, planned an exit strategy and implemented it. He was stunned. Could not understand how his treatment of me caused me to fall out of love with him.
> What I would recommend and would have preferred is that you make this a family affair. Broach it with you need to lose some weight and get fitter and you need her help for you to be successful. Either sign up at the gym or get one of those Insanity tapes and start doing it. Pick a diet program and start following it. (I like Paleo) You buy the food. You cook the food. See if she will join you in trying new recipes. Invite her to walk with you. If she sees it is working for you, she may follow. She will be aware of the admiring glances you get from other women and that might motivate her. And if it comes to leaving the marriage, you will be in great shape to find someone who is more physically appealing to you.
> All I am saying is that it is really hard to completely change your lifestyle because your spouse doesnt think you are pretty and thin enough any more. Losing weight and keeping it off requires a complete lifestyle change, not just a diet and some exercise. She knows that on some level. It is an overwhelming prospect for most people who are so busy with jobs, kids, husbands, aging parents, houses, etc. If you have someone to share the sacrifice with, it is easier. Misery loves company



Like I said. It's a no win situation for the husband. Dammed if you. Dammed if you don't.


----------



## triton1984

Template said:


> I was on the receiving end of the "talk" and it was not pretty. He made it clear he was no longer attracted to me, called me names, and issued an ultimatum.
> I lost the weight but my resentment grew each step I took on the treadmill and every time I was hungry. I got my figure back, took a vacation on my own, planned an exit strategy and implemented it. He was stunned. Could not understand how his treatment of me caused me to fall out of love with him.
> What I would recommend and would have preferred is that you make this a family affair. Broach it with you need to lose some weight and get fitter and you need her help for you to be successful. Either sign up at the gym or get one of those Insanity tapes and start doing it. Pick a diet program and start following it. (I like Paleo) You buy the food. You cook the food. See if she will join you in trying new recipes. Invite her to walk with you. If she sees it is working for you, she may follow. She will be aware of the admiring glances you get from other women and that might motivate her. And if it comes to leaving the marriage, you will be in great shape to find someone who is more physically appealing to you.
> All I am saying is that it is really hard to completely change your lifestyle because your spouse doesnt think you are pretty and thin enough any more. Losing weight and keeping it off requires a complete lifestyle change, not just a diet and some exercise. She knows that on some level. It is an overwhelming prospect for most people who are so busy with jobs, kids, husbands, aging parents, houses, etc. If you have someone to share the sacrifice with, it is easier. Misery loves company


He obviously didn't handle this the right way, something I've been guilty of myself. Not too fond of the way you handled it either though.....


----------



## Adex

I totally understand the weight issue. It was so important for me to marry a skinny girl. I realized that because with my exs, they were "normal" or a bit curvy, but after awhile I wasn't turned on.

So I married my wife who was extra skinny, probably at the expense of other favorable qualities I wanted in a wife. Even after our child, she lost all the weight. She's about 5'7" and weighs 110lb. I'd actually prefer her closer to 105lb.

When she gets to about 115, I start calling her fat because her stomach starts bulging out a bit. She just shrugs it off but gets the message. 

To be fair, she does the same to me. I also make sure I'm under a 25 BMI so I'm not chubby, but tall with an average built. When I start eating too much, I get fat cheeks in my face and she lets me know usually jokingly.

I realize the above might sound superficial to some, but it's the dynamic of our relationship. To the OP, I would advise you just to tell her straight up. She may not like it, but will get the point.


----------



## HopelesslyJaded

Wow..5'7 115 is fat:thumbdown:


----------



## WorkingOnMe

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Wow..5'7 115 is fat:thumbdown:


Agree. Wow, just wow.


----------



## that_girl

La Rose Noire said:


> Gaining weight is NOT a fact of life, it's an option.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yea. I dunno.

Ever since i had that damned ovary removed....my issues with weight have been INSANE. nothing in my diet changed. In fact, I went gluten free for health issues and STILL it's a freakin' BATTLE   I track what I eat, I drink only water (and some wine), I walk, I don't eat junk. Omg....it's just so frustrating. Stupid ovary. The chub is mostly in my belly too!  My legs and arms are fine...wtf.  I hate it.

So...sometimes it's not just an option. It happens even when the person is doing everything they can do help it.


----------



## that_girl

5'7" and 115 is underweight.

Sorry, bro.


----------



## Adex

My view of weight is skewed compared to the normal person. My idea of attractive is model like. In that instance, 5'7" and 115lb is not underweight.


----------



## Izzie

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Wow..5'7 115 is fat:thumbdown:


I get the whole skinny thing but normal weight for 5'7" is 128-164lbs. Your wife is very underweight at 110lbs. Is she really that tall? Wow...


----------



## Izzie

Adex said:


> My view of weight is skewed compared to the normal person. My idea of attractive is model like. In that instance, 5'7" and 115lb is not underweight.


Okay well if you put it that way it 'sort of' makes sense. Average model is 5'10 112-120lbs so...


----------



## waiwera

In my experience the words 'wife' and 'fat' should never ever be used in the same sentence!


----------



## anony2

that_girl said:


> Yea. I dunno.
> 
> Ever since i had that damned ovary removed....my issues with weight have been INSANE. nothing in my diet changed. In fact, I went gluten free for health issues and STILL it's a freakin' BATTLE   I track what I eat, I drink only water (and some wine), I walk, I don't eat junk. Omg....it's just so frustrating. Stupid ovary. The chub is mostly in my belly too!  My legs and arms are fine...wtf.  I hate it.
> 
> So...sometimes it's not just an option. It happens even when the person is doing everything they can do help it.


You are probably having too much estrogen, which is what caused your tumor. I had the same problem, I ended up having to get a complete hysterectomy due to fibroids. 

Stress is also a huge factor in gaining and losing weight.


----------



## missmolly

I was extremely slim until my early 40's then the battle of the bulge began. I gave up all the usual things eg sugar, bread etc but I still gained weight. A highly respected dietitian gave me her foolproof weight loss diet and I still gained. Blood tests revealed nothing abnormal. Weight Watchers was ghastly and the only thing which really worked was the high protein/low carb approach.
I am currently living in an Asian country (could well be the largest woman here!!) and severals things are really apparent. 
1. There is an extremely low fat content in the normal local diet - we live and eat in the local community rather than the 'expatriot' community. 
2. There is a huge amount of vegetable in contrast to carb (rice and noodle) and protein content. 
3. Serving sizes are much smaller than what is the norm at home in Australia. 

By contrast, when visiting the US, I have always found serving size in most restaurants to be larger than at home.

I discussed the OP's problem with my H last night and we agreed that we would tell each other, nicely, and just face the music.
He then told me!!!


----------



## Sbrown

costa200 said:


> It's not only about what you eat. It's also about quantity. The quantity of calories Asians typically eat are inferior to ours. Even because the way the food is prepared also factors in.


And the fact that they spent the entire day harvesting said food and I wonder how natural their food is compared to ours.


----------



## chillymorn

I don't want her you can have her shes to fat for me.

just get the CD. and have it playing in the background while you crush her heart into the ground.

best to use a heaping dose of tact while dealing with this situation weather its the husband or the wife who has the weight problem. But at the end of the day they should want to do it for themselves. and it might take a very real wake up call that their marriage could very well be in jeperordy over this.

I not talking about a few pounds over weight or a BMI of over 25. Every body is different and some were ment to carry alittle more than others so in my opinion some latitude should be used in determining how much their over weight.


----------



## Jeapordy

missmolly said:


> I discussed the OP's problem with my H last night and we agreed that we would tell each, nicely, and just face the music.
> He then told me!!!


So how did you feel and react to it?


----------



## Kobo

What I always find funny when I see these posts is its generally a man wanting his wife to lose weight but when I'm off the Interwebs and in the real world I see couples where 7 out of 10 the husband is overweight one in the relationship.


----------



## HopelesslyJaded

Kobo said:


> What I always find funny when I see these posts is its generally a man wanting his wife to lose weight but when I'm off the Interwebs and in the real world I see couples where 7 out of 10 the husband is overweight one in the relationship.


Had this conversation (at the gym LOL) today. I think women are generally more forgiving in this dept. Not that we date and marry men we absolutely aren't attracted to but we are more likely than men to change our opinion if he's genuine, honest, hard working and has a great personality. I think men get to this point but 10 years later than women. Men over 30 are way more forgiving of physical flaws than men less than 30. In general.


----------



## notperfectanymore

We still don't know how tall she is.....

I feel like an absolute moose @ 175lbs....but I am 6 feet tall  AND Hubby doesn't like "skinny chics" lol He is a big fan of Beyonce..

I would recommend talking to her about it and make it about health...my hubs put on a bunch of weight when he quit smoking....I let him know that I would like to see him lose it so he will be with me in 20 years...that I will love him no matter what he looks like (we are good with that). That might help, telling her you are concerned about her being around in 20 years....but I'm dying to know...HOW TALL IS SHE????

I hated my height growing up..was taller than all the girls AND boys up until high school....Love it now, lol


----------



## Enginerd

Kobo said:


> What I always find funny when I see these posts is its generally a man wanting his wife to lose weight but when I'm off the Interwebs and in the real world I see couples where 7 out of 10 the husband is overweight one in the relationship.



I can't argue with the double standard on weight in general, but I have noticed regional differences when I travel for work. In NYC (Manhattan) I saw a ton of old fat guys walking around with skinny young girls wearing really short sun dresses. In SF the men are all skinny :rofl:. In Texas the men are pigs (too much barbecue) but the women were attractive with big hair and fake boobs. In Oregon the women dress poorly and tend to have belly rolls while the men tended to be slightly overweight. I really can't explain what I saw in Florida. When ever I'm in Walmart everyone is fat....


----------



## joe kidd

notperfectanymore said:


> We still don't know how tall she is.....
> 
> I feel like an absolute moose @ 175lbs....but I am 6 feet tall  AND Hubby doesn't like "skinny chics" lol He is a big fan of Beyonce..
> 
> I would recommend talking to her about it and make it about health...my hubs put on a bunch of weight when he quit smoking....I let him know that I would like to see him lose it so he will be with me in 20 years...that I will love him no matter what he looks like (we are good with that). That might help, telling her you are concerned about her being around in 20 years....but I'm dying to know...HOW TALL IS SHE????
> 
> I hated my height growing up..was taller than all the girls AND boys up until high school....Love it now, lol


We are the same height and weight.  You are correct height has alot to do with how much weight is too much.


----------



## that_girl

Underweight in regards to health, not what you prefer.

My husband must like how I look. He just brought me a little bowl of guacamole and chips!


----------



## that_girl

And the number of pounds really has nothing to do with how one looks.

My sister and I weigh the same. I carry it better . She holds most of it in her belly where my spreads out to my boobs and butt making me proportional. 

I'd focus more on how you feel and look than on the number of pounds you weigh.


----------



## Lyris

Sbrown said:


> And the fact that they spent the entire day harvesting said food and I wonder how natural their food is compared to ours.


What? In Tokyo? In Shanghai? In Osaka? In Beijing? Your average Tokyoite doesn't spend a lot of time toiling in the rice paddies.

'Asia' is not one entity, except for maybe geologically. 

I've lived in Japan, and I'd say that people are generally thinner there because they tend to eat less dairy, less wheat - although that's changing- and because the portion sizes are smaller.


----------



## triton1984

Adex said:


> I totally understand the weight issue. It was so important for me to marry a skinny girl. I realized that because with my exs, they were "normal" or a bit curvy, but after awhile I wasn't turned on.
> 
> So I married my wife who was extra skinny, probably at the expense of other favorable qualities I wanted in a wife. Even after our child, she lost all the weight. She's about 5'7" and weighs 110lb. I'd actually prefer her closer to 105lb.
> 
> When she gets to about 115, I start calling her fat because her stomach starts bulging out a bit. She just shrugs it off but gets the message.
> 
> To be fair, she does the same to me. I also make sure I'm under a 25 BMI so I'm not chubby, but tall with an average built. When I start eating too much, I get fat cheeks in my face and she lets me know usually jokingly.
> 
> I realize the above might sound superficial to some, but it's the dynamic of our relationship. To the OP, I would advise you just to tell her straight up. She may not like it, but will get the point.



I feel sorry for your wife and I'm betting your gonna be disappointed....unrealistic expectation. This post is like a slap in face to people on here dealing with a real problem regarding this issue.


----------



## that_girl

Lyris said:


> What? In Tokyo? In Shanghai? In Osaka? In Beijing? Your average Tokyoite doesn't spend a lot of time toiling in the rice paddies.
> 
> 'Asia' is not one entity, except for maybe geologically.
> 
> I've lived in Japan, and I'd say that people are generally thinner there because they tend to eat less dairy, less wheat - although that's changing- and because the portion sizes are smaller.


And dont' they walk a LOT?!

My mom goes to Romania almost every summer and loses weight while there because of portion sizes and how much WALKING everyone does.


----------



## gbrad

Good luck. I wish I could talk to my wife about this. Of course she knows, she makes comments about herself and her weight. The problem is that she does nothing about it. I cook and try to have healthier foods for us, she gets annoyed at that. I work out and try to get her to go with me, she always has an excuse not to go. There is always something.


----------



## Lyris

that_girl said:


> And dont' they walk a LOT?!
> 
> My mom goes to Romania almost every summer and loses weight while there because of portion sizes and how much WALKING everyone does.


Walking and riding bikes. Bikes are everywhere, one of the big issues is lack of bike parking at the stations. I think it's a lot to do with the strong public transport vs cars culture in the cities. Nearly everyone commutes on the train in Tokyo, Osaka and Kyoto. Cars are for holidays or going to Ikea. 

I loved it because they don't make you wear a helmet, unlike in Australia, so no probs with helmet hair at work.


----------



## Adex

Asian girls are hot because generally their built is thinner and skinnier. Everyone in Europe is mostly skinny while 60% of Americans are overweight. That's a fact.

http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-204_162-326811.html


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

waiwera said:


> In my experience the words 'wife' and 'fat' should never ever be used in the same sentence!


Probably not, but in reality - WIFE=FAT is all too real and common these days.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

triton1984 said:


> I feel sorry for your wife and I'm betting your gonna be disappointed....unrealistic expectation. This post is like a slap in face to people on here dealing with a real problem regarding this issue.


But, as my mom used to say - SHE picked him.

If she had a real issue with it, I'm sure she knows where the front door is.

Could be that she's totally accepting of what he likes/doesn't like.

Different strokes.


----------



## Goldmember357

this is why you make sure you find a person who keeps in shape

best of luck

id make a power point presentation on the health costs of being overweight. But perhaps that would be the wrong approach.


----------



## missmolly

Jeapordy said:


> So how did you feel and react to it?


I laughed - we are both overweight and we both know it. I carry mine very evenly so good clothing helps thank goodness, but my husband has a 'tummy' and there's no hiding that. 

Also helps that I raised the topic, not him!!


----------



## Rosemary's Granddaughter

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> She felt the scale they used isn't accurate - SHE IS IN COMPLETE DENIAL...this says it right here.
> 
> Until she gets on board with her own weight and health issues, there's nothing you can say or do to get her motivated, it's got to come from her and it's obvious that she is in denial--big time.


He stated that he "thinks" she felt that way--it does not appear that she actually stated this herself.


----------



## Starstarfish

Lots of American cities and worse suburbs are set up to require a car to basically function. Public transportation is spotty and sometimes unreliable (I was a long time bus user, and was told once and I quote "The bus schedule is a guide, but not a guarantee.") And - we have limited interest in supporting public transportation, because people who have cars in many cases don't want lower income bus riders to have access to their communities. And, some of that is indeed, based on racism. 

Even in places where businesses and the community could easily plan for foot traffic and thus encourage exercise, they choose not to do so. 

For example - there is a grocery store literally 100 or so feet in front of my apartment down a hill. I -want- to be able to walk there during nice weather. However, rather than make that available, they set up a fence, refuse to mow the path to get down there (it's currently for rent, so - as no one owns it, so no one takes responsibility), and won't set up stairs or (better a ramp) an otherwise accessible path. I cannot take the long way around and walk down the block and feel comfortable bringing my toddler along (I'm a SAHM) because - there's no sidewalk in either direction. Which would require walking in the ditch along a major highway, past gas stations that have weigh stations and service 18-wheel trucks. 

Could I choose to walk anyway, sure, but all I see playing in my head is Pet Semetary and my son getting hit by a truck. 

So, to make up for the fact that my day to day activities can't include the exercise they should be able to, I pay membership to a gym. However, would it help me further if they'd made it easier to walk to the grocery store, no doubt. As people note, in other countries, this seems far less of a problem, one because of less urban sprawl, and two because there is more of a conscious effort to make things pedestrian friendly. 

Also, I think people who don't struggle with a weight problem making off-hand comments like "just control what goes into your mouth" or "just get off the couch" or labeling people as "totally in denial" shows a lack of compassion that is mind blowing. Why is size and weight this last bastion where open attacks, insults, and flaming is accepted? Even if you succeeded does not mean that what worked for you would work for someone else. 

I mean, imagine for a moment, if when people make posts because they are, or are concerned for an alcoholic, people didn't suggest getting professional therapy, or getting support, or getting help, but to just "stop being in denial" and "get with the program." Imagine someone saying, "Just put down the beer" or "just get away from the bar."

The first is acceptable, but the second would get you marked as a$$hole, and rightly so. However, heavy individuals are obviously always heavy but their own choice, there's never anything wrong with them, and it's all just excuses and denial. 

How is having a mental addiction to food any different than a drug? It's likely even worse, you have to go out of your way to find and buy cocaine, but - food surrounds you all the time, constantly. You have to buy food, you can't ever go "cold turkey" from food. Friends invite you out to eat, unless you friends are junkies themselves, no one is inviting you out to do heroin this weekend. Cheesecake Factory might happen though.

How is having invested your emotional needs fulfilled by eating any less of an issue than people who have random sex to feel needed? People who eat because they don't feel in charge of their lives, or are depressed, or use weight gain as a poor way of dealing with sexual abuse. 

Stop justifying your righteous indignation about how better you are than other people by trying to simplify a complex issue.


----------



## Jamison

Maybe the one with the complaint about the issue is the one who needs to change the most. As in, it doesn't matter if or how you bring up a "fat" issue. Bottom line that person isn't going to change until they want to, or unless something drastic happens to them and then they feel they better change. (And that is no guarantee) Its best to work on yourself and the areas of your life where you have flaws. If at some point your spouse takes it upon themselves to lose weight and they do, great, if they don't try, then you make a decision on whats important to you and how you want to spend your life. JMO.

Also, in this case it sounds like the OP wife is trying or has tried. Maybe not tried enough or not trying the right way etc. BUT still, it has to be up to her to fix herself. And him to fix himself.


----------



## 381917

You don't have that conversation. I'm sure she knows that she is fat. No woman needs to hear that from her husband. If you make her feel even worse about her body, she's liable to find some man who likes bigger women to build her back up. This is coming from a skinny woman who has never been technically overweight, even immediately after giving birth.


----------



## Goldmember357

Adex said:


> Asian girls are hot because generally their built is thinner and skinnier. Everyone in Europe is mostly skinny while 60% of Americans are overweight. That's a fact.
> 
> Overweight Americans More Now Than Ever - CBS News


I think its 70% now 

70% of Americans are overweight

35% of that 70% who are overweight are obese

Its a problem and the numbers will only rise. People need to stop going off the inaccurate lie that BMI is because it will tell a lot of people they are "healthy" or "average" when in reality they are overweight. BMI also tells in shape people with lots of muscle they are overweight.


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## Michie

If she doesn't care, and its not affecting how she cares for your children, and your stilling getting laid, the problem is yours, and your vanity.


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## sisters359

He isn't getting skewered b/c he says she's overweight and unattractive, he's getting skewered for saying it is about health and NOT about appearance. He's also made a number of cracks about her appearance and said little that actually has to do with health.

No one has to call it shallow, but there is also nothing wrong with those that DO. Many, many people continue to love and be attracted to their spouse despite weight gain and other changes. Expecting her to be a size 6 again, after having kids, etc., is just unrealistic--unless he's providing a lifestyle that allows her devote all her time to her appearance, and that was the agreement when they married. 

Obesity is unattractive to a lot of people--not to all. Overweight doesn't seem to be unattractive to loving spouses, however. There is a big difference between what this dude claims he's talking about and the rest of what he says. Hypocrisy won't change anything.


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## Jeapordy

notperfectanymore said:


> but I'm dying to know...HOW TALL IS SHE????


Closer to 5 foot than 6 foot. Not tall enough for the weight.


----------



## in my tree

Jeapordy said:


> So that leads me to the conclusion that she stress eats at work and doesn't tell me.


Do you think that she is depressed as well? Sorry if I missed that as I haven't read every post here. I know that when I am over stressed and/or depressed I have a tendency for certain behaviors. Maybe there are deeper issues than I have read here.


----------



## Izzie

Phoenix2012 said:


> My problem with that is who doesn't have complex issues in life?
> 
> Do overweight people really think they're the only ones to experience issues that test their esteem, test their resolve, test their discipline?
> 
> We're all living life. We all have our share of ups and downs, and pain and suffering.
> 
> Should we all just throw in the towel and resolve ourselves to sitting around on our butts and stuffing our faces with indulgent foods to temporarily make ourselves feel better, even though we know it is a downward spiral?
> 
> No way in hell, am I gonna do that.
> 
> And that's the difference right there.


Some people smoke, or drink, or have sex addictions. While you may not use food as a means to cope, maybe there is something else you do that others may feel is totally pointless. 

Even though I'm not fat, size 6 at 5'8", I recognize that one of the hardest things in the world is to lose weight or to quit smoking. Most overweight people are depressed and do not feel good about themselves which further contributes to the weight gain. It's rarely a laziness issue. It's a self-worth, motivational issue. When you feel down about yourself or inside you know your husband does not look at you the same way, it would be near impossible to lose weight.

I have known thin people who starve themselves for days at a time and are in the gym 2 hours a day but they do drugs, or they sleep around, or they are just mean moody people. So I think we all have issues but it manifests itself in different ways in different people. Unfortunately with fat people, they can't hide their issue because it is visible to everyone to judge.


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## bkaydezz

14 can be very beautiful.
22 can be very beautiful.

What i want to know is, what are you looking that is not her?
When did you decide that she was too fat?
Why cant she be beautiful like she is?

When it comes down to it, you are not attracted to her sexually due to her looks of "being fat", but if she was healthy without these problem and still a 14 would you find her sexy then?

Probably not.


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## Sbrown

Lyris said:


> What? In Tokyo? In Shanghai? In Osaka? In Beijing? Your average Tokyoite doesn't spend a lot of time toiling in the rice paddies.
> 
> 'Asia' is not one entity, except for maybe geologically.
> 
> I've lived in Japan, and I'd say that people are generally thinner there because they tend to eat less dairy, less wheat - although that's changing- and because the portion sizes are smaller.


LOL, no argument here, but with the number of "Asians" the "Tokyoite" is not average and is most likely a minority. And I thought we where speaking geologically.


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## Sandee

I would like to say that you need to choose. Do you want your wife or a sex object? My husband had this conversation with me and it didn't motivate me at all. It broke me down and made me hate myself. I just ate more to still the pain. When I finally dealt with the issues that caused me to eat (a very abusive childhood) I stopped eating, but I didn't forget what he did. So I told him if he wanted the skinny me he had better go get some therapy for his lack of empathy and low EQ. He wouldn't and now he is watching his skinny ex wife. I won't take him back unless he changes now. Who needs an arsehole in your life to kick you in the guts when you are already in emotional pain?


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## Jeapordy

Interesting comments.
I think there is a lot of dishonesty among the women who claim to be completely blind to weight.
Maybe it isn't weight. What if your man stopped showering, or grew a ZZ Top beard (I know, some like that), or got a tattoo on his forehead? He is still the same man, and you vowed to love him. Would you still be so righteous?
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted to your SO. I never expected my wife to stay a size 6, in fact I knew that she probably won't because her mother is on the bigger size. But for every person who is outraged at me, you fail to put any responsibility on my wife.
Maybe I can live with a size 14 for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean I should be happy if next year it is a size 16, and in 5-10 years, it is a size 22. 
Size 22 may be beautiful, but a size 22 women is not going to be able to keep up with me while I'm hiking, or kayaking, or diving. 
So as we both have committed to being there for each other as we get older, that also means that we both have obligations to each other in terms of taking care of ourselves.
Marriage shouldn't mean that either person has the right to NOT CARE how the other one is affected by their decisions. I'd like to get a motorcycle and try skydiving, but that scares my wife to death (if I did it). So I don't because I care how it makes her feel.


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## A Bit Much

I've been married 10 years. Since our wedding we both have gained about 30lbs each... and I'll tell you what. I'm more concerned about our mental states than what we look like physically. 

Yes it's important to find my husband attractive, same for him. He's a man and I know what he wants to look at. He prefers women that are fluffy versus skinny as a rail (which is what a 6 is to both him and me) so sexually (and physically) we're right where we need to be. We both watch what we eat, we both have a moderately active lifestyle, and the sex is frequent and fantastic, even with our added pounds.

What we make sure of more than anything is that our internal being is healthy. It affects our outside selves if we're depressed, anxious or unhappy. In our 10 years together, we've had stresses and ups and downs, but NEVER have they been about our relationship. It's as solid as a concrete wall. I've not had one day of pain at the hands of my husband, and he can say the same. 

I think when you're really happy with each other as individuals first and foremost, the physical is definitely secondary. If you're not emotionally healthy to begin with you're struggling uphill.


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## bkaydezz

Jeapordy said:


> Interesting comments.
> I think there is a lot of dishonesty among the women who claim to be completely blind to weight.
> Maybe it isn't weight. What if your man stopped showering, or grew a ZZ Top beard (I know, some like that), or got a tattoo on his forehead? He is still the same man, and you vowed to love him. Would you still be so righteous?
> There is nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted to your SO. I never expected my wife to stay a size 6, in fact I knew that she probably won't because her mother is on the bigger size. But for every person who is outraged at me, you fail to put any responsibility on my wife.
> Maybe I can live with a size 14 for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean I should be happy if next year it is a size 16, and in 5-10 years, it is a size 22.
> Size 22 may be beautiful, but a size 22 women is not going to be able to keep up with me while I'm hiking, or kayaking, or diving.
> So as we both have committed to being there for each other as we get older, that also means that we both have obligations to each other in terms of taking care of ourselves.
> Marriage shouldn't mean that either person has the right to NOT CARE how the other one is affected by their decisions. I'd like to get a motorcycle and try skydiving, but that scares my wife to death (if I did it). So I don't because I care how it makes her feel.


ok so what makes her look so damn bad as a size 14?

are you attracted to oher women, and are wondering wh she isnt looking like that?

there has to be a reason for it sense youdidnt mind her getting to this 14...


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## A Bit Much

I'd also like to add, we do physicals every year. Our BP, cholesterol etc is very in check and we're healthy. Just heavier than when we first got together.


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## bkaydezz

id also like to add that a 22 can hiuke just fine. i have a friend that is a 24 and she does jsut fine in outdoor activities.
that doesnt apply to everyone obviously but still just thinking that because they arlarger makes the situation that much more shallow.


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## JuliaP

I don't have advice, sadly, just sympathy. I feel for you personally because I am going through the same thing. My H has put on about 30lbs and I am grossed out by it. Granted, we have other problems which I"m sure add to the physical disconnect- but truth be told, I am pissed that HE doesn't bother to look good for me. 

Lets be real, loosing weight SUCKS. It is the hardest thing to do! To this date it's the hardest thing I have ever done. I had two kids, and gained 60 lbs with EACH- and I lost every bit of it. How? Dieting, exercising, and even juicing for one week to loose the last five. IT was enormously difficult. And I maintain my trim figure by working out at home, walking the dog, online yoga and portion control. Some days I am up at 5am to work out before I go to work. It's hard, but I do it because I want to look hot for my husband. And let me tell you, if I work out and diet, but then pig out for just a few meals, I gain a pound that week. I suspect your wife is cheating on her diet. One cheat depending on your metabolism, can sabotage a week of working out.

My husband however, does not care to look attractive for me, and I resent him for it. It's not fair to me. Yes, I vowed to love him through good and bad, etc, but I didn't vow to have to find an out of shape slob attractive. It's a horrible situation to be in- and like OP everyone ****s on you and calls you the vain, mean, unloving, etc. But look people, you can't force your attraction! Yes, we all age with time, but premature unhealthiness due to excess weight is different because it can be avoided. It's a symbol of them not wanting to give us their all. A symbol of their laziness to be attractive to us. It's a big FU! "Yes, I look like crap and don't care, and YOU have to bang me anyway or YOU become the bad guy". How incredibly unjust for OP and myself. We are the bad guys for taking care of ourselves and wanting our SO's to do the same.

OP honestly hits home and angers many, many who I can guess are overweight themselves and right away aligning with the overweight person in the story. OP is a good man- He stated he still loves his wife and will not give her an ultimatum! Bravo for you! You DO love her and are giving your marriage a fighting chance.


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## A Bit Much

> It's a symbol of them not wanting to give us their all. A symbol of their laziness to be attractive to us


Not necessarily 100% the case every time. Like I said in my own post...

If you don't feel right emotionally/mentally, it will show itself in your physical being.


----------



## bkaydezz

JuliaP said:


> I don't have advice, sadly, just sympathy. I feel for you personally because I am going through the same thing. My H has put on about 30lbs and I am grossed out by it. Granted, we have other problems which I"m sure add to the physical disconnect- but truth be told, I am pissed that HE doesn't bother to look good for me.
> 
> Lets be real, loosing weight SUCKS. It is the hardest thing to do! To this date it's the hardest thing I have ever done. I had two kids, and gained 60 lbs with EACH- and I lost every bit of it. How? Dieting, exercising, and even juicing for one week to loose the last five. IT was enormously difficult. And I maintain my trim figure by working out at home, walking the dog, online yoga and portion control. Some days I am up at 5am to work out before I go to work. It's hard, but I do it because I want to look hot for my husband. And let me tell you, if I work out and diet, but then pig out for just a few meals, I gain a pound that week. I suspect your wife is cheating on her diet. One cheat depending on your metabolism, can sabotage a week of working out.
> 
> My husband however, does not care to look attractive for me, and I resent him for it. It's not fair to me. Yes, I vowed to love him through good and bad, etc, but I didn't vow to have to find an out of shape slob attractive. It's a horrible situation to be in- and like OP everyone ****s on you and calls you the vain, mean, unloving, etc. But look people, you can't force your attraction! Yes, we all age with time, but premature unhealthiness due to excess weight is different because it can be avoided. It's a symbol of them not wanting to give us their all. A symbol of their laziness to be attractive to us. It's a big FU! "Yes, I look like crap and don't care, and YOU have to bang me anyway or YOU become the bad guy". How incredibly unjust for OP and myself. We are the bad guys for taking care of ourselves and wanting our SO's to do the same.
> 
> OP honestly hits home and angers many, many who I can guess are overweight themselves and right away aligning with the overweight person in the story. OP is a good man- He stated he still loves his wife and will not give her an ultimatum! Bravo for you! You DO love her and are giving your marriage a fighting chance.


30 pounds is not excessive.

like i said before it cant be the health that is bothering you guys. because if they were healthy with the 30 pounds over you would still be unattracted to them.
but is the health that is of concern here. 
please.

you can break a leg at any moment and gain 60 pounds. then what...your ankle heals and you husband is stil not attracted to yoy now? do younot see the contradictory here?

i feel sorry for people that think life is just about materials and looks. but always claim it is for health.


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## JuliaP

A Bit Much said:


> Not necessarily 100% the case every time. Like I said in my own post...
> 
> If you don't feel right emotionally/mentally, it will show itself in your physical being.


Obviously, sorry I forgot my disclaimer:

The above statements in my post do not apply to those people who have tried life long attempts at maintaining a healthy weight only to find that they fail, repeatedly due to unusually high set weights, thyroid problems, physical deformities or limitations, circumstantial physical or emotional limitations an all other situations or problems that would hinder weight loss.


----------



## A Bit Much

JuliaP said:


> Obviously, sorry I forgot my disclaimer:
> 
> The above statements in my post do not apply to those people who have tried life long attempts at maintaining a healthy weight only to find that they fail, repeatedly due to unusually high set weights, thyroid problems, physical deformities or limitations, circumstantial physical or emotional limitations an all other situations or problems that would hinder weight loss.


Is it possible your husband is mentally and/or emotionally affected? Depressed? Stressed? 

I ask because in your post you make it sound like he's overweight (in your opinion) just to tick you off.

It may have nothing to do with you at all.


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## JuliaP

maybe.... but I have gone through all those things myself, and still managed to look good for him.


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## bkaydezz

JuliaP said:


> maybe.... but I have gone through all those things myself, and still managed to look good for him.


you are doing it for you.

wy are you trying to look good for someone you arent even attracted to...

doesnt make any sense.


----------



## A Bit Much

JuliaP said:


> maybe.... but I have gone through all those things myself, and still managed to look good for him.


And it could be that you are a stronger person emotionally than he is. 

Not caring about your appearance is a symptom of something else going on.

ETA: And you didn't keep up your looks JUST for him. You did it for yourself (I would hope). He just may not be able to love himself enough to do it for himself... therefore not enough for you either.


----------



## Jeapordy

bkaydezz said:


> you can break a leg at any moment and gain 60 pounds. then what...your ankle heals and you husband is stil not attracted to yoy now? do younot see the contradictory here?
> 
> i feel sorry for people that think life is just about materials and looks. but always claim it is for health.


I did break my leg a few years back and it still hasn't healed 100%. I may have gained 5 lbs until I adjusted my food intake, and now I have lost that weight. 
I did it because I didn't like what I saw in the mirror. 

I'd like to understand from the people who claim to not be affected by the physical looks of their partners:

Are you over weight? Have you ever been overweight?
Is your partner over weight?

If the answer is no to all of these questions, then you don't have any experience with my issue, you just have an opinion.

Married people have obligations to their spouses. 
Why isn't it selfish for a person to not control their weight? 
It would be selfish for me to pierce my manhood if my wife was completely turned off by it. 
According to some of the posters here, my wife should be turned on by me even if she hates the site and the feeling of a p*nis piercing.


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## Kobo

Adex said:


> Asian girls are hot
> [/url]


No, no they're not


----------



## A Bit Much

> Why isn't it selfish for a person to not control their weight?


Because weight gain isn't always caused by something they can control. 

Is your wife a happy person? Is she happy in her marriage to you and is her life with you and family fulfilling to her? Does she feel absolutely loved and accepted by you? These things all play into how a person feels about themselves and if ANY of this is off, then physically it can take a toll. People have strokes and heart attacks for some of the same things.

Internally something in her isn't right if she's just given up. If she developed a mental illness, would you consider that selfish too?


----------



## A Bit Much

Phoenix2012 said:


> Yeah, actually it is.
> 
> We control how many calories we consume a day.
> 
> We control how many calories we burn a day.
> 
> Those are things we and nobody else can control.
> 
> It's that simple. Everything else is just pyscho-babble in our heads.


Um OK.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

I hate to say this but I'm with the OP.

I'm not attracted to fat. Call me shallow, call me uncaring, unloving, etc., but it is what it is.

Yes, I was fat at one time, and I didn't like it either and my husband wasn't attracted to me when I was. And it was okay--I didn't think I was attractive either. When I lost the weight, then the attraction came back--so what.

Yes, we both expect changes as we age, but age nor marriage does not equal great - now I don't have to take care of myself anymore.

Would I expect to attract a man at 50 if I was overweight and fat - NOPE, anymore than an overweight and fat man at the age of 50 would attract me.

Now are there people who are attracted to chubby people - sure there are, both male and female.

But my husband and I are not one of them. 

So what, if I wanted chubby I would have married chubby and so would my husband.

I can accept age change, I can't accept not taking care of yourself with the things in your control.

And if that makes me shallow, then bring it on!


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## JuliaP

bkaydezz said:


> you are doing it for you.
> 
> wy are you trying to look good for someone you arent even attracted to...
> 
> doesnt make any sense.


Because I still care about my marriage and it IS important to him.

But yes, also for me. I like being fit and would be even if I were single.


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## A Bit Much

I want to be clear...

My views are not about the people that consciously choose to stop caring for themselves. The lazy I don't give a rats patooty types are not attractive in any way. My husband and I aren't these types of people, nor were we or are we attracted to LAZY.


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## tennisstar

It isn't always so easy to take pounds off and all overweight people aren't couch potatoes. I play sports almost every night and on the weekends and I'm still about 20 pounds overweight. I've tried restricting calories, but I've become sick from doing so and then playing so intensely. Low carb was the same. Became sick during matches. 

I'm not saying that the OP doesn't have a right to say something and that he is wrong, I'm just saying that weight control isn't always as easy as some here claim.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## trey69

Well since this was posted on the 22nd and we're about 11 or 12 pages in on the matter, OP what has she said? Have you told you her how you feel? Are you going to? I understand its a touchy issue, but if you're the one with the issue you need to go ahead and make a decision. IMO, there is no real right or perfect time to talk with her, if thats your plan.


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## Starstarfish

So, what did your husband do, MWIL?

Did he cheat on you because you were heavier? Did he play the food nazi, and demand to know everything you were eating? Did he measure your arms? Did people tell him to leave you because you were lazy and just didn't care?

What did he do to encourage you when you lost the weight? Was he willing to change his diet as well, or was he meant to keep eating the same things and not exercise while you busted yourself trying to look better for him?

That's really the question here, not reinforcing what people do or don't find attractive.


----------



## Halien

When my wife and I first met, I was really obsessive about exercise and fitness, and in the best shape of my life. As a younger man, I knew that something "wasn't right" in my body, and keeping my weight in control required a lot of effort. It wasn't until my forties that I learned that I have a mild form of a cellular enzyme disease, which tends to make my muscle cells starve for energy while my cells just eliminate the nutrients and energy sources.

My wife, however, is very accepting, yet I wanted honesty. To her, staying in shape is very important, both as a wife and as a nurse practicioner. I made that my goal. What I'm saying was that she is really attracted to the lean muscular look, but would accept me if it wasn't physically possible. With the enzyme disorder, exercise and diet became one of the most time consuming parts of my life. I eat a very simple diet, not at all like others. To a small degree, my own exercise discipline has motivated her.

But to your question, my wife struggles with emotional eating. She has a severe form of depression. I've learned that the approach that she prefers is for me to be a supporter, and to help make it easier for her to get excited about the healthy changes needed for weight loss. I work for a company that has a very unique health care plan, at least for now. My wife has a nutritional coach for now, so most of my efforts are directed through supporting the coach and new programs she has encouraged my wife to join.

To explain, I'd say that I've been able to help her by my own willingness to start up a program suggested by our nutritional coach, but something that I'm pretty sure that my wife would enjoy and get excited about once she got past her initial self -doubts. the nutritionist felt that we needed to include more fruits and lightly cooked vegetables, but many of the recipes required us to really change how we buy and prepare foods. My wife enjoys cooking certain types of meals, so when I asked if she would be willing to help me, and we bought the new cookware, explored new grocers, etc, the whole process became "our diet". It was a lifestyle change that I was initially doing for me, but I was pretty sure that she would enjoy. As others suggested, I encouraged her to buy really nice walking shoes, since she had foot pain with the added weight, and we set a dramatic "second honeymoon" if we both made our goals. We found her an exercise group focused on women with similar goals and needs, but all of our discussion was around the emotional advantage she would get by being happy about her health and her progress. For us, acceptance was more of a driver to get her motivated. Really, it can take a deliberate approach to to focus more on the importance of your wife's self-happiness with herself, and her body image. Not something that you can outright say. I reinforced that I wanted her to be happy with herself, and she was honest enough to admit that she wasn't happy with her current state of health. The woman I married had a practical understanding of the changes that come with age, and where she realistically wanted to be, so my focus was only in wanting to be a positive factor in helping her achieve that. If she is happy with herself, then I am happy.

For you, I'd suggest that the best way to approach this is to use acceptance to get to the place where she can confide where she really wants to be, healthwise. Focus on appreciating the efforts she makes to be attractive, and how you want her to be happy and confident in herself, above all.

For us, it was all about committing together to a lifestyle change. Something that was geared more towards the changes that she would get excited about, like cooking different foods, a fun program, and a goal of an anniversary where no expense would be spared. Although my doctor suggested that I need to gain a little weight, I'm able to follow her diet and get the extra protein through additional, small meals.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

Why is everybody trying to convince this guy that he is shallow and wrong? He likes what he likes and there is nothing wrong with that. People are attracted to vastly different things. I know some men who don't like skinny women and I know others who favor the anorexic look. 

I for one am only attracted to tall men. The shortest man I have ever dated was 6'1" because I am simply not attracted to men under a certain height. My husband is 6'3" and a huge part of the attraction is his height. My husband is not attracted to women with short hair or large breasts. He doesn't like it. Does the OP saying his wife gained 50 lbs and thus not attractive in his eyes make him shallow? No. I think is he realistic. We all size up others on their appearance. We make snap judgments based on their weight, height, hair, teeth, clothes, etc. That is not to say that once we meet the person our opinion changes. To him though, his wife being attractive is important and a size 14 is not what he wants.

I want to add that OP's wife is not holding her end of the bargain. If it is a medical reason for weight gain then that is a different story but she is under doctor care and on a diet, yet claims she cannot lose weight? Come on. It is literally impossible to hit the gym 3-5 days a week and monitor what you eat and not lose weight. Bottom line, she is lying.


----------



## CallaLily

To the OP, here are a few suggestions you could do or choose from to try. 

*Tell her how you feel in hopes she doesn't get upset. (Which she probably will)

*If you feel its hard to tell her verbally how you feel, let her read this thread. ( verbal or not it will still probably upset her)

*Practice acceptance, and help her by you helping yourself. In other words, lead by example. 

*Or, if you have certain expectations (which is fine) and you feel those expectations are not being met regardless of what you do or say, it might be best to move on and find someone who can meet those expectations from here on out. 

Just some things to consider.


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## Starstarfish

So if your husband was in an accident, and developed a hunch, or some other problem about standing up straight, and thus wasn't your 6'3" Thor-like super stud anymore, Brighteyes, would you still love him? Or - is your entire love and acceptance of him as a person singularly centered around him being tall? If that changed, would you kick him to the curb? 

That's the question, should a LTR be based on more than just appearance, because it is fleeting, and a lot of things can change it. Apparently, lots feel no, that you should indeed, leave your partner if they don't look the way you want them to anymore. I doubt if anyone asked their grandparents if they ever considered leaving their spouse because of weight or appearance changes many would say yes. 

Yet the divorce rate was lower, hmm. :scratchhead: 

I think if people are so hung up on appearance that it is the single deciding factor in whether or not a marriage is worth sustaining, they should be up front and totally put that in their wedding vows as a sub-clause. "To have and to hold until death do us part, or until you get too fat and I just don't feel like loving you anymore."

But, I doubt many people are really that forthcoming about their expectations.


----------



## A Bit Much

I'm attracted to tall men too. My husband is 6' 6". But upon meeting him I could assess that he wouldn't get shorter in 10 years. Weight gain or loss isn't something that can be determined or assessed in the same manor. Physiological changes as well as psychological changes happen over time. 

You can reasonably assess that height won't change, but a person's emotional state isn't something you can depend on 100% to stay the same. No more than you can predict a heart condition, cancer, blood clots...


----------



## Starstarfish

Actually, in fairness, the best assessment might have been if his father/brothers/uncles shrunk as they got older, but yeah. 

My point was that trying to ad-hoc an antecedent about one's attractiveness based on height, something that generally doesn't change that much, to attractiveness based on weight, something that can change for any number of reasons isn't really a fair comparison. That's like asking if you are shallow based on determining your partner's desirability based on race, something that -definitely- isn't going to change.


----------



## A Bit Much

Starstarfish I agree.

With the added lbs my husband is as attractive to me as ever. I'm loving the silver coming in his goatee, and the little wrinkles he's starting to get in the corners of his eyes. He and I both are ex athletes, and under the fluff we see it in one another I guess. We're also very happy people who are really enjoying our marriage and each other. We have good jobs that we like, and overall, our lives are satisfying.

All the parts make a whole for us. Everyone is different though.


----------



## Complexity

I could never have this conversation. It's like disarming a bomb.

But callalilly made a good point. I'd just stoke her curiosity and ultimately motivate her by working out yourself.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

Starstarfish said:


> So if your husband was in an accident, and developed a hunch, or some other problem about standing up straight, and thus wasn't your 6'3" Thor-like super stud anymore, Brighteyes, would you still love him? Or - is your entire love and acceptance of him as a person singularly centered around him being tall? If that changed, would you kick him to the curb?
> 
> That's the question, should a LTR be based on more than just appearance, because it is fleeting, and a lot of things can change it. Apparently, lots feel no, that you should indeed, leave your partner if they don't look the way you want them to anymore. I doubt if anyone asked their grandparents if they ever considered leaving their spouse because of weight or appearance changes many would say yes.
> 
> Yet the divorce rate was lower, hmm. :scratchhead:
> 
> I think if people are so hung up on appearance that it is the single deciding factor in whether or not a marriage is worth sustaining, they should be up front and totally put that in their wedding vows as a sub-clause. "To have and to hold until death do us part, or until you get too fat and I just don't feel like loving you anymore."
> 
> But, I doubt many people are really that forthcoming about their expectations.


I just knew that once I wrote what I wrote, there would be some person who would pervert what I said for their own agenda. Amazing.
No, if he was in an accident and lost both his legs, my attraction for him wouldn't change. If he however woke up one day and decided he wanted to have limb shortening done for the hell of it, caring little about my feelings, then yes, my attraction would change. I also specifically mentioned "part" of my attraction to him is his height. PART. In order to stay married for 18+ years, there is a heck of a lot more than just being able to wear high heels next to him.


----------



## Coffee Amore

I don't think the OP is shallow or a sexist. People don't need to come down on him hard. And if you are, ask yourself if his post touched a nerve. He's attracted to what he's attracted to. I'm attracted to men of a certain height. It's just the way I'm wired. I don't think that makes me shallow or vain either. Love and sexual attraction are two different things. The OP can still and probably does love his wife at a heavier weight, but his sexual attraction to her is diminished. Seems like some people here confuse the two. He's not saying he doesn't love her. He is saying her weight has an impact on their sex lives and his attraction. 

To me a 30 pound weight gain is a lot of pounds. That's about how much I put on with one of my pregnancies and I was carrying another life inside of me!

Personally, though it would hurt my feelings at the time, I would rather my H tell if I was gaining or losing (he isn't a fan of extremely thin women) to the point of not being attractive to him. It would be better to know now than later. Also,one has to be realistic about what one is asking for. If you want your spouse to look like they did 20 years ago, it's just not possible in most cases. In a woman's case, having babies can change the shape of your body and how you carry weight. To expect six-pack abs on a woman who works all day long, then tends to the family all night long is a bit much. But expecting a spouse to keep the weight at a normal range for their height is reasonable.


----------



## A Bit Much

> To expect six-pack abs on a woman who works all day long, then tends to the family all night long is* a bit much*


I had a chuckle from this. 

And I agree with this sentiment too. I'd love to spend 2 hours of my day in the gym but it's just not possible for my lifestyle right now.


----------



## Starstarfish

> In order to stay married for 18+ years, there is a heck of a lot more than just being able to wear high heels next to him.


I didn't really mean to seem like some, well perverted agenda shill. But, hey, I guess this conversation hits a lot of nerves for a lot of reasons. 

And that's my point. There's a lot more to it, isn't there? But - when people start suggesting in these "my partner has gained weight" threads that people should issue ultimatums that they are leaving unless a partner loses X amount of weight or even suggest people ponder leaving their spouses because of -one- aspect to attraction and interest, I think that really boils down things to a very simple equation.


----------



## MrsOldNews

A Bit Much said:


> I had a chuckle from this.
> 
> And I agree with this sentiment too. I'd love to spend 2 hours of my day in the gym but it's just not possible for my lifestyle right now.


No offense to all the women out there who have them but I think a six pack on a woman is ewwwwwwwwwwww. Too manly


----------



## Runs like Dog

From the late great Neil Alden Armstrong:

I fully expected that, by the end of the century, we would have achieved substantially more than we actually did.

I think if there was anything I learned from our skipper was that it's not how you look; it's how you perform.


----------



## Jeapordy

Starstarfish said:


> So if your husband was in an accident, and developed a hunch, or some other problem about standing up straight, and thus wasn't your 6'3" Thor-like super stud anymore, Brighteyes, would you still love him? Or - is your entire love and acceptance of him as a person singularly centered around him being tall? If that changed, would you kick him to the curb?
> 
> That's the question, should a LTR be based on more than just appearance, because it is fleeting, and a lot of things can change it. Apparently, lots feel no, that you should indeed, leave your partner if they don't look the way you want them to anymore. I doubt if anyone asked their grandparents if they ever considered leaving their spouse because of weight or appearance changes many would say yes.
> 
> Yet the divorce rate was lower, hmm. :scratchhead:
> 
> I think if people are so hung up on appearance that it is the single deciding factor in whether or not a marriage is worth sustaining, they should be up front and totally put that in their wedding vows as a sub-clause. "To have and to hold until death do us part, or until you get too fat and I just don't feel like loving you anymore."
> 
> But, I doubt many people are really that forthcoming about their expectations.


This is very self righteous and a terrible moral equivalent!!
You also made a terrible mistake above. You asked if she would still love her husband if he was in an accident? 
That's not at all what this entire thread is about. 
It is about sexual attraction and obligation for spouses to voluntarily maintain themselves so they stay attractive to their spouses. When the spouse does not live up to their end, how do you tell them in a compassionate way so you don't scorch the earth and destroy an otherwise great relationship.


----------



## A Bit Much

If your relationship is as great as you believe it is, it's not hard to tell them anything. It's easy to be as compassionate and honest as you need to be. They understand you and the way you communicate, and respect you even more for being honest with them.


----------



## HopelesslyJaded

A Bit Much said:


> If your relationship is as great as you believe it is, it's not hard to tell them anything. It's easy to be as compassionate and honest as you need to be. They understand you and the way you communicate, and respect you even more for being honest with them.


I don't care how good your communication and relationship is, hearing your spouse isn''t sexually attracted to you hurts and could still conjure up sadness and resentment.

This is really a tough one. Personally I hear 30lbs and think "wow it could be way worse!" and feel a little sad that you already feeling less attracted to her at 30lbs overweight. I am about 30lbs overweight myself, so I can just imagine what it would feel like. (granted I am having marital issues right now and sex is/was at the top of the problem list and I don't think I could feel any lower in this dept so.....) I still think a proactive approach is the best way to go. Alot of people just don't get what's the right stuff to eat and how much of it is proper portions. So many things on the shelf that give the impression it is a healthy or healthier option and some things just can't be made healthy or healthy enough or weight loss. 

In the end she has to look in the mirror one day and decide for herself that she don't like what she sees and really wants to do something bout it. I don't get the sense that you've really ever had weight issues other than 10 or 15lbs and because of that it's hard for you to understand why she just don't "get off her ass" and get the weight off. Losing weight is just like sex for a woman, if our mind isn't in it, our bodies don't really respond.


----------



## A Bit Much

I didn't say hearing it wouldn't hurt, but that said... it needs to be talked about if it's causing problems in the relationship. Resentment can build on both sides just by not talking about the elephant in the room and that's not healthy at all.

Also... I wouldn't tell my spouse flat out "I don't find you attractive". There are ways to talk to your spouse without making them feel worse than they probably already do. Delivery people. Delivery.


----------



## 381917

A Bit Much said:


> I didn't say hearing it wouldn't hurt, but that said... it needs to be talked about if it's causing problems in the relationship. Resentment can build on both sides just by not talking about the elephant in the room and that's not healthy at all.
> 
> Also... I wouldn't tell my spouse flat out "I don't find you attractive". There are ways to talk to your spouse without making them feel worse than they probably already do. Delivery people. Delivery.


Care to give an example of how the conversation would begin? Like I said, I've never been overweight, but I can't imagine a nice way for my husband to say it to me if I were.

ETA: And my husband actually is a little overweight at the moment. He's gained probably 30-40 pounds in the last 2 years. He was pretty skinny to begin with but anyway. I don't see him any differently because of the weight gain. He's still the same person.


----------



## donders

Jeapordy said:


> I love my wife. I will not give her an ultimatum. I vowed to love her in good and bad times, in sickness and health. This is a health issue. But I didn't vow to like the way she looks no matter what.





Jeapordy said:


> She was a size 6 when we got married, and now she is a size 14. I don't need her to be a size 6, but I started to have issues when she got above a size 10.


She went from a size 6 to a 14. She was young, sexy, slender and thin, and now she's morbidly obese.

Marriage vows are not intended to cover that.

You're off the hook.

Do what you gotta do to force her to get healthy, even if it means threatening divorce and following through if she doesn't shed the weight in a reasonable time frame.

You're doing both of you a favor.


----------



## 381917

I don't think a size 14 qualifies as morbidly obese. I'm pretty sure that I remember reading that 14 is the size that the average American woman wears.

I was right, size 14 is the average
http://articles.latimes.com/2009/mar/01/image/ig-size1


----------



## A Bit Much

381917 said:


> Care to give an example of how the conversation would begin? Like I said, I've never been overweight, but I can't imagine a nice way for my husband to say it to me if I were.


She knows she's overweight already.. that's been stated. So it isn't news to her.

"Hey honey, I need to talk to you about something I've noticed lately. Have you been feeling okay? Stressed about anything lately? I ask because I've noticed in the last few months you've gained a little (or a lot) of weight and I'm worried about you. Is there something that I can do for you, or something you need from me? I love you and I want us to be healthy and happy together. If there's anything that you need from me, please let me know. That's why I'm here. I don't want you to think you don't have any support with anything that's troubling you. I've been struggling with how to ask you about this, because I know it's a sensitive topic, but as your husband (or wife) I couldn't let it go another day."


----------



## 381917

A Bit Much said:


> She knows she's overweight already.. that's been stated. So it isn't news to her.
> 
> "Hey honey, I need to talk to you about something I've noticed lately. Have you been feeling okay? Stressed about anything lately? I ask because I've noticed in the last few months you've gained a little (or a lot) of weight and I'm worried about you. Is there something that I can do for you, or something you need from me? I love you and I want us to be healthy and happy together. If there's anything that you need from me, please let me know. That's why I'm here. I don't want you to think you don't have any support with anything that's troubling you. I've been struggling with how to ask you about this, because I know it's a sensitive topic, but as your husband (or wife) I couldn't let it go another day."


That does sound like a very nice way to put it. Focus on what he, as a loving husband, can do to help her. Maybe he could take over some of the cooking and make healthy meals? Do the grocery shopping and buy healthy foods?


----------



## Runs like Dog

Diet is less than half of the problem of weigh gain. Inactivity is a bigger problem. I did a test on myself two years ago when I was on crutches for a long period of time. But tweaking my diet I lost weight but my blood pressure went up 40%. Inactivity will kill you.


----------



## A Bit Much

> And my husband actually is a little overweight at the moment. He's gained probably 30-40 pounds in the last 2 years. He was pretty skinny to begin with but anyway. I don't see him any differently because of the weight gain. He's still the same person.


I feel the same about mine. He wasn't necessarily skinny when we met, but he's gone from 240lbs to 280lbs... no biggie to me. He's 6'6" and big boned, and he can carry that and more on his frame. Think tight end in the NFL.


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## donders

381917 said:


> I don't think a size 14 qualifies as morbidly obese. I'm pretty sure that I remember reading that 14 is the size that the average American woman wears.
> 
> I was right, size 14 is the average
> Fashion's invisible woman - Los Angeles Times


The average American women is morbidly obese.

It's an epidemic.

Next time you go out somewhere in public take a look around.

Thin, healthy, in-shape women AND men are few and far between.

From the link you provided:

It often seems that it's easier to find and buy stylish clothes for Chihuahuas than for roughly half the country's female population.

_Americans are getting larger, and 62% of females are already categorized as overweight. _


----------



## HopelesslyJaded

381917 said:


> I don't think a size 14 qualifies as morbidly obese. I'm pretty sure that I remember reading that 14 is the size that the average American woman wears.
> 
> I was right, size 14 is the average
> Fashion's invisible woman - Los Angeles Times


You can be obese (bmi wise) at a size 14 but not morbidly obese. Maybe if you are a little person. But him saying that sure does hit home as to how a size 14 is viewed.


----------



## 381917

donders said:


> The average American women is morbidly obese.
> 
> It's an epidemic.
> 
> Next time you go out somewhere in public take a look around.
> 
> Thin, healthy, in-shape women AND men are few and far between.
> 
> From the link you provided:
> 
> It often seems that it's easier to find and buy stylish clothes for Chihuahuas than for roughly half the country's female population.
> 
> _*Americans are getting larger, and 62% of females are already categorized as overweight.* _


Right, most women are overweight. But there is a big difference between overweight and morbidly obese.

I know that people are getting fatter. But they're still people. And if you love them, you love THEM, not their BMI.


----------



## 381917

HopelesslyJaded said:


> You can be obese (bmi wise) at a size 14 but not morbidly obese. Maybe if you are a little person. But him saying that sure does hit home as to how a size 14 is viewed.


I think you look great in your picture, definitely not morbidly obese  It really is hard being a woman, no matter what size you wear. I tend towards the too thin side of the scale, and it's hard for me too. All the "Real women have curves" stuff. It seems like women really need to be a very specific size to satisfy society. Get thin, but not TOO thin. Have curves but don't gain TOO MUCH weight. 5-10 pounds either way and you're not good enough anymore. Sheesh.


----------



## La Rose Noire

The fat acceptance displayed in this thread is a great example of one of the factors in the obesity epidemic. 

I'm sorry, I don't care how great a size 24 woman can hike. That is dangerously overweight and unhealthy. 

Yes, 30 pounds overweight is a lot. 

No, overweight people don't have it harder. They lack discipline. You think I don't feel like binge eating when I'm sad? Guess what I don't. You think I haven't been on meds that cause weight gain? Still managed to maintain my figure. And if you think that a broken leg automatically leads to gaining 60 lbs then you seriously lack discipline. All one needs to do is lower their calorie intake to reflect their lack of activity. 

People need to stop watching Disney fairytales if they think their spouse should accept them no matter how much weight they gain. That's unrealistic. 

OP is NOT shallow for not being attracted to his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## donders

381917 said:


> Right, most women are overweight. But there is a big difference between overweight and morbidly obese.
> 
> I know that people are getting fatter. But they're still people. And if you love them, you love THEM, not their BMI.


You can love them but not be sexually attracted to them because they're..well.. just not attractive anymore.

Morbidly obese is defined as follows:

_Obesity is an abnormal accumulation of body fat, usually 20% or more over an individual's ideal body weight. Obesity is associated with increased risk of illness, disability, and death._

So a woman who should be, for example 120 lbs is morbidly obese at only 24 lbs above that weight.

It doesn't take much to get there.


----------



## 381917

La Rose Noire said:


> The fat acceptance displayed in this thread is a great example of one of the factors in the obesity epidemic.
> 
> I'm sorry, I don't care how great a size 24 woman can hike. That is dangerously overweight and unhealthy.
> 
> Yes, 30 pounds overweight is a lot.
> 
> No, overweight people don't have it harder. They lack discipline. You think I don't feel like binge eating when I'm sad? Guess what I don't. You think I haven't been on meds that cause weight gain? Still managed to maintain my figure. And if you think that a broken leg automatically leads to gaining 60 lbs then you seriously lack discipline. All one needs to do is lower their calorie intake to reflect their lack of activity.
> 
> People need to stop watching Disney fairytales if they think their spouse should accept them no matter how much weight they gain. That's unrealistic.
> 
> OP is NOT shallow for not being attracted to his wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that lot of people who seem 'naturally thin' don't want to binge eat when they are sad. I know I don't. When I'm sad, I have to force myself to eat enough that I don't lose weight. And some people have way slower metabolism, making it a lot harder for them to lose weight.


----------



## La Rose Noire

381917 said:


> I think that lot of people who seem 'naturally thin' don't want to binge eat when they are sad. I know I don't. When I'm sad, I have to force myself to eat enough that I don't lose weight. And some people have way slower metabolism, making it a lot harder for them to lose weight.


My point is that I'm very thin and while I may get the urge to pig out when I'm upset, I choose not to. It's not easy to do. It's not supposed to be easy. 

Same with losing weight. Guess what? It's not easy to maintain it either. It's not easy to keep fit. It's a lot of hard work and dedication. Sure, I'm thin. But I work at it everyday. I can't pity people who complain about it not being easy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## in my tree

HopelesslyJaded said:


> You can be obese (bmi wise) at a size 14 but not morbidly obese. Maybe if you are a little person. But him saying that sure does hit home as to how a size 14 is viewed.


PLEASE do not let some random person on the internet make you feel bad about yourself! I saw your picture as well and you are a beautiful woman. And even if you weren't, what others here think/say really does not matter in the end. I'll let you in on a nice liitle tidbit - as you get older, you begin to _stop_ caring so much about what others think of you. It really is funny because as we age and lose our looks, we build confidence. Maybe it's nature's way of balancing things out. 

OP - just be gentle. She loves you and obviously is hurting over this as well. As long as you treat her with respect, with tender words and lots of support, you should do alright.


----------



## Jeapordy

A Bit Much said:


> She knows she's overweight already.. that's been stated. So it isn't news to her.
> 
> "Hey honey, I need to talk to you about something I've noticed lately. Have you been feeling okay? Stressed about anything lately? I ask because I've noticed in the last few months you've gained a little (or a lot) of weight and I'm worried about you. Is there something that I can do for you, or something you need from me? I love you and I want us to be healthy and happy together. If there's anything that you need from me, please let me know. That's why I'm here. I don't want you to think you don't have any support with anything that's troubling you. I've been struggling with how to ask you about this, because I know it's a sensitive topic, but as your husband (or wife) I couldn't let it go another day."


Good advice. Thanks.
I need to wait for the right time, so I'll keep this speech in my back pocket for just such a time.


----------



## bkaydezz

La Rose Noire said:


> The fat acceptance displayed in this thread is a great example of one of the factors in the obesity epidemic.
> 
> I'm sorry, I don't care how great a size 24 woman can hike. That is dangerously overweight and unhealthy.
> 
> Yes, 30 pounds overweight is a lot.
> 
> No, overweight people don't have it harder. They lack discipline. You think I don't feel like binge eating when I'm sad? Guess what I don't. You think I haven't been on meds that cause weight gain? Still managed to maintain my figure. And if you think that a broken leg automatically leads to gaining 60 lbs then you seriously lack discipline. All one needs to do is lower their calorie intake to reflect their lack of activity.
> 
> People need to stop watching Disney fairytales if they think their spouse should accept them no matter how much weight they gain. That's unrealistic.
> 
> OP is NOT shallow for not being attracted to his wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well sense many people here have turned into a certified Nutritionist...

What is unrealistic is that so many people think their partner needs to look like a fairytale princess or barbies boyfriend ken. 
thats a shame to me, but its all about media, te public eye, what to have, what to eat, what to wear, what to think, what to....what to.... 
Please. People are so fixated on fantasy that they seclude themselves from reality and play make belive like the world is only good enough if you are thin, have a ton of money, have the best things, the worst friends who just wanna use you, the family you forgot about because you think you are too good for, the pets that are in the magazine because they are wearing a 10000 dollar collar.

GET REAL!

that life is so boring to even hear about, much less to have to live it. i want to tell stories when i get older, hear stories of fun and adventure not hear stupid shet about whats the latest fashion trend, or how does my hair look, or OMG i i have to have this diamond. 

The fixation on materialism and physical apperance is disgusting.

People are so worried about all of this stuff that they cant even live. But you can loose everything in a second, even your life and then what? i guess the thing t do is stad over the coffin at the recieving saying, " i cant believe you are a size 14"...

thats really what its coming too.

This thread has NOTHING to do with health.
Its about a woman who has a body that doesnt appeal to her partners penis.
That is the realism here.

NO 30 pounds is not alot.


----------



## Deejo

This subject comes up frequently. The input is generally polarizing ... and being quite honest, have yet to see someone return and post that such a discussion went well, and the results yielded great outcomes for both partners. 

I don't believe that you need to be cruel, but I do believe that you need to be honest. Have always been horrified by those who feel that such honesty warrants _further_ weight gain out of spite.

Ultimately, you will need to decide what you require from the relationship. If playing sports, running, hiking, kayaking and diving are important to you, and your wife cannot, or will not participate with you ... and at worst further frames those activities that make you happy, as sources of displeasure to her, then you will need to make some very firm decisions about the arc of your life.

Below is a list of threads where this topic has been debated 'vigorously' in the past.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...e-she-getting-too-fat-sexually-desirable.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/38280-womans-weight.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/17157-obesity-marriage.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/35741-you-weighed-105lbs-when-i-met-you.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...ss-attractive-now-thread-long-post-ready.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...8471-physical-attraction-fitness-sex-etc.html


----------



## gbrad

bekaydezz, you are right, this is not about health. It is about women who are not attractive due to the weight they have gained or just have not gotten rid of. It is understood that some have the weight due to health, others have it due to a poor metabolism. What gets me is when no effort is made to try and get into better shape and make themselves more attractive.


----------



## 381917

donders said:


> You can love them but not be sexually attracted to them because they're..well.. just not attractive anymore.
> 
> Morbidly obese is defined as follows:
> 
> _Obesity is an abnormal accumulation of body fat, usually 20% or more over an individual's ideal body weight. Obesity is associated with increased risk of illness, disability, and death._
> 
> So a woman who should be, for example 120 lbs is morbidly obese at only 24 lbs above that weight.
> 
> It doesn't take much to get there.


The general consensus in the medical community is that morbid obesity is 80-100 pounds over the ideal body weight.


Bariatric Surgery | Upstate University Hospital Community Campus | SUNY Upstate Medical University
*There are several medically accepted criteria for defining morbid obesity. You are likely morbidly obese if you are:

More than 100 lbs. over your ideal body weight
Have a Body Mass Index (BMI) of over 40
Have a BMI of over 35 and are experiencing severe negative health effects, such as high blood pressure or diabetes, related to being severely overweight
Unable to achieve a healthy body weight for a sustained period of time, even through medically supervised dieting*
http://www.bannerhealth.com/Services/Bariatric+Surgery/Bariatric_Surgery/Morbidly_Obese.htm
http://www.gastricbypass.com/whatismorbidobesity.htm
http://neweighweb.com/Pages/MorbidObesity/IdealWeightChart.aspx

Don't think 30 pounds is going to get anyone there unless they are obese to begin with.


----------



## HopelesslyJaded

donders said:


> You can love them but not be sexually attracted to them because they're..well.. just not attractive anymore.
> 
> Morbidly obese is defined as follows:
> 
> _Obesity is an abnormal accumulation of body fat, usually 20% or more over an individual's ideal body weight. Obesity is associated with increased risk of illness, disability, and death._
> 
> So a woman who should be, for example 120 lbs is morbidly obese at only 24 lbs above that weight.
> 
> It doesn't take much to get there.


Obese not morbidly obese.

I won't deny finding physically fit men attractive but this seems yet another topic where women trends to be held at a different standard. Way more men complaining about this than women even though they are just as fat (around here anyway).


----------



## Jamison

Jeapordy said:


> Good advice. Thanks.
> I need to wait for the right time, so I'll keep this speech in my back pocket for just such a time.


I think you have been given good advice from several people on things to try. You say you're waiting for the right time...I don't think there is a right time. I think you just decide which direction to go and proceed.


----------



## gbrad

Phoenix2012 said:


> Well if their spouses just accepted it and did not talk about it then it would not be an issue.


If which spouse accepted what?


----------



## La Rose Noire

Phoenix2012 said:


> Those stupid men and their stupid penises!
> 
> The world would be such a better place with out them.


I beg to differ. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Therealbrighteyes

La Rose Noire said:


> The fat acceptance displayed in this thread is a great example of one of the factors in the obesity epidemic.
> 
> I'm sorry, I don't care how great a size 24 woman can hike. That is dangerously overweight and unhealthy.
> 
> Yes, 30 pounds overweight is a lot.
> 
> No, overweight people don't have it harder. They lack discipline. You think I don't feel like binge eating when I'm sad? Guess what I don't. You think I haven't been on meds that cause weight gain? Still managed to maintain my figure. And if you think that a broken leg automatically leads to gaining 60 lbs then you seriously lack discipline. All one needs to do is lower their calorie intake to reflect their lack of activity.
> 
> People need to stop watching Disney fairytales if they think their spouse should accept them no matter how much weight they gain. That's unrealistic.
> 
> OP is NOT shallow for not being attracted to his wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. 8 years ago I lost 46 lbs. That's the size of a small elementary school child. I made every excuse in the book until I realized that I was blaming everything but myself. Bottom line is, get off your ass, get moving, hit the gym, go for a walk and portion control. Anybody who says otherwise is just excusing bad behavior. Period.


----------



## Template

To Rose and Bright Eyes:
Good on you. So happy for you. What bastions of self control. How wonderful to be in such a place that you can declare that anyone who is not thin like you is lazy and badly behaved.

I, too, have lost a great deal of weight, 73 lbs to be exact. I did it with blood, sweat and tears. I did it to the exclusion of all else that was important to ME to appease H's need for attractiveness. I gave up every spare moment of MY time to go to the gym, prepare separate meals (H didn't feel he needed to diet, so he insisted on his regular meals), and exercise some more. I gave up hobbies that I enjoyed, friends who couldn't get on board with my lack of time for them, and holidays that involved food of any kind (no birthday cakes, no Christmas cookies, no Easter baskets). Now that I am thin, I spend just as much time as I did losing the weight just to maintain the weight. Calories, exercise, appearance now occupy a huge part of my time. I have to plan my food and exercise every morning before I do anything else and all day long, monitor what I have eaten and what I have left to eat so I don't end up hungry and out of calories before bed time. I never go to a restaurant without getting the menu and calorie count on what I was going to order well ahead of the dinner. I exercise every day, every single day. And I absolutely HATE exercise and resent the time it takes away from the things I actually enjoy doing.
I would never diss another person who would not want to sign up for the life I have now. It is completely superficial, based on appearance only and it is just hard. And it is for the rest of my life (should I choose to continue living this way). Not everyone is so obsessed with appearance that they would voluntarily take on such an unpleasant ordeal. Every person has to make the decision for themselves. They have to decide if it is worth the sacrifices they will have to make. And if they decide not to follow the pretty people down the diet and exercise highway, it does not mean they have a character flaw, it just means they have chosen differently. Either choice has its' consequences. Be unattractive to your spouse and you could lose your spouse and marriage. Get thin and lose your soul to desperately trying to live up to what the media promotes as beautiful.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Template said:


> To Rose and Bright Eyes:
> Good on you. So happy for you. What bastions of self control. How wonderful to be in such a place that you can declare that anyone who is not thin like you is lazy and badly behaved.
> 
> I, too, have lost a great deal of weight, 73 lbs to be exact. I did it with blood, sweat and tears. I did it to the exclusion of all else that was important to ME to appease H's need for attractiveness. I gave up every spare moment of MY time to go to the gym, prepare separate meals (H didn't feel he needed to diet, so he insisted on his regular meals), and exercise some more. I gave up hobbies that I enjoyed, friends who couldn't get on board with my lack of time for them, and holidays that involved food of any kind (no birthday cakes, no Christmas cookies, no Easter baskets). Now that I am thin, I spend just as much time as I did losing the weight just to maintain the weight. Calories, exercise, appearance now occupy a huge part of my time. I have to plan my food and exercise every morning before I do anything else and all day long, monitor what I have eaten and what I have left to eat so I don't end up hungry and out of calories before bed time. I never go to a restaurant without getting the menu and calorie count on what I was going to order well ahead of the dinner. I exercise every day, every single day. And I absolutely HATE exercise and resent the time it takes away from the things I actually enjoy doing.
> I would never diss another person who would not want to sign up for the life I have now. It is completely superficial, based on appearance only and it is just hard. And it is for the rest of my life (should I choose to continue living this way). Not everyone is so obsessed with appearance that they would voluntarily take on such an unpleasant ordeal. Every person has to make the decision for themselves. They have to decide if it is worth the sacrifices they will have to make. And if they decide not to follow the pretty people down the diet and exercise highway, it does not mean they have a character flaw, it just means they have chosen differently. Either choice has its' consequences. Be unattractive to your spouse and you could lose your spouse and marriage. Get thin and lose your soul to desperately trying to live up to what the media promotes as beautiful.


Cut the melodramatics. You clearly had a terrible experience with it but most do not. Most are happy being healthy and a proper body weight. I in no way suggested that you lose weight to the detriment of your soul or whatever else you are saying. You make it sound like there are only two options. Fat and happy or thin and soulless.


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## HopelesslyJaded

Template said:


> To Rose and Bright Eyes:
> Good on you. So happy for you. What bastions of self control. How wonderful to be in such a place that you can declare that anyone who is not thin like you is lazy and badly behaved.
> 
> I, too, have lost a great deal of weight, 73 lbs to be exact. I did it with blood, sweat and tears. I did it to the exclusion of all else that was important to ME to appease H's need for attractiveness. I gave up every spare moment of MY time to go to the gym, prepare separate meals (H didn't feel he needed to diet, so he insisted on his regular meals), and exercise some more. I gave up hobbies that I enjoyed, friends who couldn't get on board with my lack of time for them, and holidays that involved food of any kind (no birthday cakes, no Christmas cookies, no Easter baskets). Now that I am thin, I spend just as much time as I did losing the weight just to maintain the weight. Calories, exercise, appearance now occupy a huge part of my time. I have to plan my food and exercise every morning before I do anything else and all day long, monitor what I have eaten and what I have left to eat so I don't end up hungry and out of calories before bed time. I never go to a restaurant without getting the menu and calorie count on what I was going to order well ahead of the dinner. I exercise every day, every single day. And I absolutely HATE exercise and resent the time it takes away from the things I actually enjoy doing.
> I would never diss another person who would not want to sign up for the life I have now. It is completely superficial, based on appearance only and it is just hard. And it is for the rest of my life (should I choose to continue living this way). Not everyone is so obsessed with appearance that they would voluntarily take on such an unpleasant ordeal. Every person has to make the decision for themselves. They have to decide if it is worth the sacrifices they will have to make. And if they decide not to follow the pretty people down the diet and exercise highway, it does not mean they have a character flaw, it just means they have chosen differently. Either choice has its' consequences. Be unattractive to your spouse and you could lose your spouse and marriage. Get thin and lose your soul to desperately trying to live up to what the media promotes as beautiful.


I could have written this. I feel like a slave to the scale. Some of us are more susceptible to gaining than others and it takes more than just your obvious discipline to lose and or maintain. There is no relaxing and just enjoying the simple things in life. 
It's sad for me to think that being happy made me fat. I am significantly lighter than my heaviest and generally happier (not satisfied) with my appearance but at a price.


----------



## thisismeunquote

Jeapordy said:


> I haven't had the honesty talk yet. I don't expect it will go well, so I hoped for some suggestions from women here on the best way to do it.
> So far, no consensus. Many suggestions to go the medical route, some to be brutally honest and some to not touch the subject and suck it up.


I don't know her body type but I suppose I'm glad to know a size 10 is unattractive and obese..apparently I'm in that category  With that said I would tell her you feel like you BOTH have gained weight and try to eat healthier/work-out more. Maybe so she wouldn't feel like you were pointing out her flaws.


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## Thundarr

I think it would come across better if the focus is on her health. I would search for a weight loss doctor and see if she wants to go and make sure it's in a supportive manner. Otherwise she'll consider the relationship part of the weight to lise.

If my wife gets to a unhealthy weight then I already know the first thing to say.... She's addicted to processed food with empty calories. I've actually pointed this out before but not in a nasty way. She actually looks very good to me at her weight but I worry about the content of her diet. Usually I tell her how darn big I would be if I ate like her which is the truth. I eat stuff that's been available for a while. You know like thousands of years like chicken (that actually has to be cooked). She eats chicken nuggets and stuff that has been available since frozen dinners and corndogs were invented.


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## Deejo

thisismeunquote said:


> I don't know her body type but I suppose I'm glad to know a size 10 is unattractive and obese..apparently I'm in that category  With that said I would tell her you feel like you BOTH have gained weight and try to eat healthier/work-out more. Maybe so she wouldn't feel like you were pointing out her flaws.


OP has already pointed out that she is short, and size 14, not 10.

He has also stated ... several times, that he loves his wife. But apparently that's easy to overlook as this topic always rubs nerves raw.


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## Adex

I prefer girls that are size 2 and below. My wife just said she's size 2, but she thinks she's fat. I think she's ok. To be fair though, most girls think they're fat.


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## La Rose Noire

Template said:


> To Rose and Bright Eyes:
> Good on you. So happy for you. What bastions of self control. How wonderful to be in such a place that you can declare that anyone who is not thin like you is lazy and badly behaved.
> 
> I, too, have lost a great deal of weight, 73 lbs to be exact. I did it with blood, sweat and tears. I did it to the exclusion of all else that was important to ME to appease H's need for attractiveness. I gave up every spare moment of MY time to go to the gym, prepare separate meals (H didn't feel he needed to diet, so he insisted on his regular meals), and exercise some more. I gave up hobbies that I enjoyed, friends who couldn't get on board with my lack of time for them, and holidays that involved food of any kind (no birthday cakes, no Christmas cookies, no Easter baskets). Now that I am thin, I spend just as much time as I did losing the weight just to maintain the weight. Calories, exercise, appearance now occupy a huge part of my time. I have to plan my food and exercise every morning before I do anything else and all day long, monitor what I have eaten and what I have left to eat so I don't end up hungry and out of calories before bed time. I never go to a restaurant without getting the menu and calorie count on what I was going to order well ahead of the dinner. I exercise every day, every single day. And I absolutely HATE exercise and resent the time it takes away from the things I actually enjoy doing.
> I would never diss another person who would not want to sign up for the life I have now. It is completely superficial, based on appearance only and it is just hard. And it is for the rest of my life (should I choose to continue living this way). Not everyone is so obsessed with appearance that they would voluntarily take on such an unpleasant ordeal. Every person has to make the decision for themselves. They have to decide if it is worth the sacrifices they will have to make. And if they decide not to follow the pretty people down the diet and exercise highway, it does not mean they have a character flaw, it just means they have chosen differently. Either choice has its' consequences. Be unattractive to your spouse and you could lose your spouse and marriage. Get thin and lose your soul to desperately trying to live up to what the media promotes as beautiful.


I fail to see you as the victim you're trying to portray yourself as. God forbid we get healthy. You're simply being melodramatic. Yeah, it's tough to stay fit. But to me it's much better than the alternative. You can sit around and cry about the media and how it's all about looks, yet you forget to mention all the other health risks associated with being overweight/obese. Yeah, you'll be fat and happy. Until you're struck with diabetes, heart disease, a stroke, or liver failure. 

I, like Phoenix, enjoy healthy food and exercise. I want to live a long healthy life AND be happy when I look at myself in the mirror. I might indulge from time to time (I had some ice cream today), but that's the nice part about eating healthy overall. I can. While you might think being happy means eating a whole box of cookies, I'm perfectly content having just a couple from time to time. I don't see that as a major sacrifice. 

No one is saying everyone should try and look like models (The OP himself has said he doesn't want his wife to be a size 6 again), but there's nothing wrong with wanting to be in good shape. I'm sorry, no one can say that being overweight is better than being in shape. That's like saying it's better to smoke. At least smokers admit it's bad for them.


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## thisismeunquote

Deejo said:


> OP has already pointed out that she is short, and size 14, not 10.
> 
> He has also stated ... several times, that he loves his wife. But apparently that's easy to overlook as this topic always rubs nerves raw.


I don't recall saying he didn't love his wife, and I said I dont know her body type, I am 5'7 1/2. I meant to say size 14 not 10 (typo) because I wear a between 12-14, WOW I do apologize...


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## gbrad

Adex said:


> I prefer girls that are size 2 and below. My wife just said she's size 2, but she thinks she's fat. I think she's ok. To be fair though, most girls think they're fat.


Seriously. Size 2 is like nothing.


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## missmolly

I don't understand American sizing.
I used to be about a size 8 and weighed 45 kgs. 
What weight (approximately) would a short woman wearing size 6 be??


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## thisismeunquote

missmolly said:


> I don't understand American sizing.
> I used to be about a size 8 and weighed 45 kgs.
> What weight (approximately) would a short woman wearing size 6 be??


So you weighed 99 pounds...I would think that's a size 0-2 a 4 would be pushing it in US sizes


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## WorkingOnMe

missmolly said:


> I don't understand American sizing.
> I used to be about a size 8 and weighed 45 kgs.
> What weight (approximately) would a short woman wearing size 6 be??


My wife wears size 6 pants. She is 5'6" and about 145 lbs.


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## Deejo

I will be the first to admit ... I have absolutely no clue about women's sizing.


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## WorkingOnMe

Deejo said:


> I will be the first to admit ... I have absolutely no clue about women's sizing.


Well I was recently buying some "things" at Victoria Secret so I had to study (snoop) a bit.


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## Deejo

thisismeunquote said:


> I don't recall saying he didn't love his wife, and I said I dont know her body type, I am 5'7 1/2. I meant to say size 14 not 10 (typo) because I wear a between 12-14, WOW I do apologize...


Actually I owe you an apology. I reread your post. I thought you were being sarcastic, and felt compelled to point out that the OP is troubled by the circumstances. He cares about his wife, but is no longer attracted to her. 

Upon rereading, I'm not sure that was your intent.


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## thisismeunquote

Deejo said:


> Actually I owe you an apology. I reread your post. I thought you were being sarcastic, and felt compelled to point out that the OP is troubled by the circumstances. He cares about his wife, but is no longer attracted to her.
> 
> Upon rereading, I'm not sure that was your intent.


No that wasn't my intent, I offered a suggestion on how to approach her without seeming like he was "coming at her" or pointing out flaws. I may have sounded sarcastic because really a size 14 isn't hidious to me..but maybe it is to others


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## tennisstar

While I do think the OP has every right to tell his wife he is unhappy with her size, I do see where the people are coming from that say that getting thin can be torture. I've been there. I exercise every day hard. I try to eat healthy. Doesn't matter. Still don't lose weight. The only way I lose weight is to cut calories so drastically that I'm miserable. I've done it, and it works like a charm. I can't go out and I'd I work out too much, I get sick. I'm still about 20 to 25 pounds overweight. I'm not a couch potato stuffing my face, like some here suggest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missmolly

thisismeunquote said:


> So you weighed 99 pounds...I would think that's a size 0-2 a 4 would be pushing it in US sizes


Thanks for that.
Gosh then your sizing is really comparing oranges with apples when looking at our sizing.
Short and size 10 - 12 here would be just right. 
Now I am not sharing my current size.....


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## tennisstar

I guess what I was trying to say is yes, I'd love to weigh less. I feel good about playing sports and working out. I do think this country hasN obesity problem. I worry about my health. But I refuse to be miserable every day of my life, turning down desserts around holidays and parties, refusing to have a ****tail once in a blue moon with friends. Not everyone loses weight easily. Not everyone wants to live the daily life of counting every calorie and being hungry. I'm not bring dramatic. For many of us, to get down to a size 6 would require so much sacrifice, it would make everyday a misery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FalconKing

This reminds me of something that happened to my best friend. He met a girl in college. My friend is and has always been relatively thin. He and his girlfriend moved in together. In about 3 years she gained over 50lbs. She was never had a small frame but her curves were gone. My friend tried all he could to get them to do things together. Walks, outdoors activities, and workouts together. She complained and said he should love her for the way she is. They ended up going their separate ways. I think one thing that is important about a lasting relationship is still trying to stay attractive for yourself and for your partner. I think that is not fair that people are telling you it's ok if the other partner let themselves go. Anyone who is telling you that has a problem facing their own insecurities with their body. Or maybe they are advocates of the philosophy "Once i've secured my spouse I no longer have to try." Anybody wanting to keep the romance going in their relationship would not recommend accepting everything your spouse does. Especially if they were not this way when you met them. What if instead of weight, it was body odor or some kind of addiction. Should someone except those things too? You don't get married or find someone so you can stop trying. Isn't that usually the beginning of something special?

It's not a black and white issue. You are obviously not asking your wife to be anorexic. You may not even care if she was as thin as she was at the beginning of the relationship. These people raising hell at you, really do know this. I feel this just an issue they don't want to address in their relationships. So they are projecting that on you.


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## 381917

thisismeunquote said:


> So you weighed 99 pounds...I would think that's a size 0-2 a 4 would be pushing it in US sizes


I am 5'2 and about 105. I wear a 0 or sometimes 00. At 99 pounds, I think a 0 would be too big.


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## thisismeunquote

381917 said:


> I am 5'2 and about 105. I wear a 0 or sometimes 00. At 99 pounds, I think a 0 would be too big.


You would know better than me then. I have never been smaller than a size 6, but a few of my friends are around 100 pounds and wear between 0-2.


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## jaquen

We've gotten so damn out of hand in this country.

Most weight loss troubles do NOT come from hormone, thyroid, or "gene" issues. Most people in actuality don't even have abnormally slow metabolisms. The amount of times the typical person in this country uses one of these excuses is far, far, lower than the amount of actual, medical, real physiological problems. 

The vast majority of weight loss problems come from people who simply are not working hard enough, or if they are working are not working efficiently. I watched my wife waste YEARS "trying" to lose weight. Why? Because, unlike me, she never had a serious weight issue growing up and had absolutely no context whatsoever for just how tough it is to actually lose weight, especially a large amount of it. She loses weight now VERY slowly because frankly she just does not want to face the tougher sacrifices would take to actually lose weight at her maximum potential speed. But she's definitely getting so, so much better.

Most people are looking for easy, carefree weight loss. They want to float like a cloud to their weight goals. They don't realize that it's a grueling mountain climb.

Also a ton of women have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to reshape their bodies, and get lean. Most women head down the absurd low-fat/higher carb route, and spend copious amounts of time on treadmills, ellipticals, and other such nonsense. Sure you'll lose some "weight", but a lot of it will be muscle, which will eventually leave you looking like a skinny glass of cottage cheese. A lot of women (and yes plenty of men) need to be educated about proper nutrition for actual leanness, not just skinniness, and the benefits of aerobic AND anaerobic exercise. Every single woman looking to be leave, sculpted, and fit needs to be lifting REAL weights, and learn about protein, fat, and carbohydrates, and how to manipulate those macronutrients to best reach your goals.

There is just lots of misinformation, myth, and nonsense out here when it comes to weight loss. Because fatness and obesity are such a hot button issues, and it's got the potential to bring so much pain, people are spending a lot of time in denial, or buying into BS in order to make themselves feel better in the moment.


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## jaquen

There is no true "size 0". It's an American manufacturing construct designed to sell clothing and dupe American women into feeling super skinny. It's what you call a vanity size.

There is no regulation on clothing sizes in this country, so many men and women are wearing sizes on the labels that are actually significantly smaller than their real size. A "size 0" here is actually a "size 6" in the UK, and in the US back when clothing sizing was actually standardized and authentic. 

It is shameful just how much clothing manufacturer are duping the people in this country. That's why you have very overweight women wearing a size 14, and saying "I'm voluptuous, like Marilyn Monroe! She wore a size 14 too!". No. You couldn't fit a leg in Marilyn's "size 14" anything. 

We really need to wake up in this country.


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## CallaLily

jaquen, whats your advice to the OP about how to approach this with his wife?


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## FalconKing

jaquen said:


> We've gotten so damn out of hand in this country.
> 
> The vast majority of weight loss problems come from people who simply are not working hard enough, or if they are working are not working efficiently. I watched my wife waste YEARS "trying" to lose weight. Why? Because, unlike me, she never had a serious weight issue growing up and had absolutely no context whatsoever for just how tough it is to actually lose weight, especially a large amount of it. She loses weight now VERY slowly because frankly she just does not want to face the tougher sacrifices would take to actually lose weight at her maximum potential speed. But she's definitely getting so, so much better.
> 
> Most people are looking for easy, carefree weight loss. They want to float like a cloud to their weight goals. They don't realize that it's a grueling mountain climb.
> 
> Also a ton of women have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to reshape their bodies, and get lean. Most women head down the absurd low-fat/higher carb route, and spend copious amounts of time on treadmills, ellipticals, and other such nonsense. Sure you'll lose some "weight", but a lot of it will be muscle, which will eventually leave you looking like a skinny glass of cottage cheese. A lot of women (and yes plenty of men) need to be educated about proper nutrition for actual leanness, not just skinniness, and the benefits of aerobic AND anaerobic exercise. Every single woman looking to be leave, sculpted, and fit needs to be lifting REAL weights, and learn about protein, fat, and carbohydrates, and how to manipulate those macronutrients to best reach your goals.


Exactly. Some people never really had healthy habits. Maybe they were into sports(for women maybe it's danceline or cheerleading) when they were younger or maybe they were just always on the go. When life slows down, these same people don't really have much of an idea about proper nutrition and workouts to get the results they want. That's why trainers make their money. Of course their are things I can always do better but i'm motivating and learning myself. Like Jaquen, I was a chubby kid that decided to shape up. It took me years to get to my point and I am still progressing. A lot of people have unrealistic goals in working out. A lot of women think lifting weights will make them too muscular. It's not that easy. Weights can be used to slim you down as well as build you up. And yes ladies, it will hurt.


----------



## A Bit Much

We can go on and on about this topic. As a female I will say this, and it's really my own observation.

Women have a hard time with making TIME for themselves. This is in every area of their lives. Men go to the gym for an hour or two without thinking about the list of chores they need to do (mostly because they have wives who do them) and running the kids around from this practice to that dance class... 

That's the disconnect. Women are caregivers by nature, yet we don't care for ourselves properly. We feel guilt behind it even, as if we don't deserve 2 hours of the day to do things for ourselves.

I'm JUST NOW getting to a point in my life where I make the time to go to the gym and eat right. My kids are 19 and 24. It's taken me this long to do it and not feel like I'm shorting my family in some way with my time for them and what they need. It also has helped me to have a husband who supports me at home and also encourages me to get out there and DO ME. 

Many women out there just don't have that luxury. They're stuck in the "if I don't do it, who will" and in the process they let themselves go.


----------



## 381917

jaquen said:


> There is no true "size 0". It's an American manufacturing construct designed to sell clothing and dupe American women into feeling super skinny. It's what you call a vanity size.
> 
> There is no regulation on clothing sizes in this country, so many men and women are wearing sizes on the labels that are actually significantly smaller than their real size. A "size 0" here is actually a "size 6" in the UK, and in the US back when clothing sizing was actually standardized and authentic.
> 
> It is shameful just how much clothing manufacturer are duping the people in this country. That's why you have very overweight women wearing a size 14, and saying "I'm voluptuous, like Marilyn Monroe! She wore a size 14 too!". No. You couldn't fit a leg in Marilyn's "size 14" anything.
> 
> We really need to wake up in this country.


Depends on where you shop. A 0 at Abercrombie is a lot smaller than a 0 at Old Navy. Old Navy is, I guess, what I would call vanity sizing.


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## FalconKing

A Bit Much.

That is some real talk. And thank you for that observation and perspective. Basically it's important that each person has me time. I do think a lot of men take that for granted. On the average I would say we have more time to ourselves than the woman in a marriage. Of course some husbands could say that they work a lot, which is true. But still it's having an identity outside of the home. I know a guy who works two jobs. He has a lawn service on the side. It's hard work. He cuts peoples yards, weed whacks and trims hedges. He told me he likes it because he instantly sees the fruits of his labor, and it also gives him me time. Time to just think and be at peace. A caregiving and nurturing mother doesn't have the luxury to just go on autopilot and zone out like that. She doesn't even have time to feel sexy or think about her own personal goals until years later, a lot of times. And when she does the husband doesn't know where it's coming from because she thought she was just happy to run around with kids all day and watch soap operas.


----------



## A Bit Much

> A caregiving and nurturing mother doesn't have the luxury to just go on autopilot and zone out like that. She doesn't even have time to feel sexy or think about her own personal goals until years later, a lot of times.


WORD.

And I've always had a full time job to boot!! Add that to our list and we're tapped out by the end of the day. It's tough. My ex husband was a perfect zoner outer... I did it *all* when I was married to him. Good times.


----------



## FalconKing

FrenchFry said:


> Man! Being a size 14 is just DISGUSTING.
> 
> I mean, look at this woman
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> For the OP:
> Be real with yourself and your partner. This health stuff is a diversionary tactic to convince yourself you just like your partner thinner. That's actually totally fine, but trying to tiptoe around it and lie and say "I'm worried about your health" and then not display sexual attraction is doing you both a disservice.
> Just Be Real and if she cannot meet your expectations, either you adjust or you leave.
> 
> The rest of the post:
> With full disclosure that I'm a recovered eating disorder sufferer, it's amazing no matter what board I'm on, if there is a discussion about weight the amateur nutritionists and the formerly fat that come out of the woodwork to lecture "overweight america" about how disgusting they are and how lazy and gross and terrible people they are for daring to have different priorities in life other than how much they weigh and the size of clothing they wear.
> 
> It seems to be such an affront to some that not everyone wants to be a size 0, not everyone has the time/money/energy/willpower to be a slave to the weights/treadmill, that some people like food more than calorie/carb/fat counting, that people absolutely do respond to food in different ways than you can/do. I see the double standard daily, fat women are WAY MORE shunned over fat men because they have "given up" trying to achieve supermodel status, despite that it's fairly well known that it is harder for women to lose weight than men. Really though...who the cares? If someone doesn't meet your standard for whatever reason, MOVE ON. Fat people aren't fat to offend you personally. If you don't dig it, you don't but you are not the arbitrator of worldwide beauty and health standards. If someone is happy at 14/24/34 WHATEVER, **** off really.


First off, not everyone wears a size 14 that well. I think you know that. Also,I think maybe you are being just as unfair as the people you claim to be on the other side of the spectrum. If someone was always a size, then you shouldn't go into a relationship expecting him or her to slim a bit. But if they were a weight size when you meet them and they became a size much different from that, why not have cause for concern? I am sure there are things about your significant other that maybe if he changed, you wouldn't appreciate. Things that could effect the relationship. And maybe it's a change that you are not ok with. And maybe it's a change he doesn't really want to address and society is telling you he has a right to be this way when there is no positive to him to be this way. Would you just pack your bags and leave or would you try to address the issue with him first?

Also, no one is advocating anyone to do something that they themselves can't or wont do. A large man shouldn't have gripes about a large women. A player shouldn't have gripes about a woman doing the same thing. Also, as it's been said, no one is advocating anyone to be anorexic. No one here is an extremist. No one has said such. You are trying to generalize people as insensitive health nazis living with a double standard.


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## Deejo

A Bit Much said:


> We can go on and on about this topic. As a female I will say this, and it's really my own observation.
> 
> Women have a hard time with making TIME for themselves. This is in every area of their lives. Men go to the gym for an hour or two without thinking about the list of chores they need to do (mostly because they have wives who do them) and running the kids around from this practice to that dance class...


I agree with your overall point, but cannot give you a free pass on the men and chores piece. I just don't believe that men have the same angst over making time for themselves that women do, so it's easier for a guy making time for himself at the gym to be seen as shirking other duties from his over-extended wife.

ANYONE can MAKE time for 30 to 60 minutes of exercise. Making the choice to make the time is what people struggle with.



A Bit Much said:


> That's the disconnect. Women are caregivers by nature, yet we don't care for ourselves properly. We feel guilt behind it even, as if we don't deserve 2 hours of the day to do things for ourselves.
> 
> I'm JUST NOW getting to a point in my life where I make the time to go to the gym and eat right. My kids are 19 and 24. It's taken me this long to do it and not feel like I'm shorting my family in some way with my time for them and what they need. It also has helped me to have a husband who supports me at home and also encourages me to get out there and DO ME.
> 
> Many women out there just don't have that luxury. They're stuck in the "if I don't do it, who will" and in the process they let themselves go.


I very much agree with all of this. And I do believe that many women have difficulty balancing their own needs with the needs of their family. I think the mind-shift that needs to happen is framing it as a necessity rather than a luxury. That is certainly my case.

It's important to me. I have never and would never partner with anyone that doesn't exercise and isn't nutritionally aware.


----------



## Jeapordy

My wife has an eating disorder. She is a stress eater, or at least that is her excuse. It is mainly with her job. She deals with a stressful and busy schedule by grabbing fast food meals and drinking soda. That is her method of coping with the stresses of her job. She probably thinks of it as comfort food. When her job is not stressful, she's working out and eating right (doing Weight Watchers), but when those stressful periods kick in (which can last for months), she lets it all go and gains more than she lost in the last cycle. So overall, she has steadily gained weight every year.
I really wanted to have the talk with her this week, but she had to travel. On her way out, she was wearing a blouse that was hugging her body in a way that really showed off the back and belly fat. It was probably 1 size too small. I really wanted to tell her that she needs to wear something more appropriate for her size, but didn't dare say a word, because she was already stressing, and she was on her way to the airport. But that just looks bad. It's like having toilet paper on your shoe. Someone should tell you before you embarrass yourself, but I don't think husbands are allowed to tell their wives what not to wear.


----------



## A Bit Much

> I don't think husbands are allowed to tell their wives what not to wear.


If you had a booger hanging or food in your teeth, would you want your wife to tell you? That's how I look at telling my husband about what he's wearing. If it's not flattering, I above anyone else should be the one to tell him. I don't want him out there embarrassing himself. I love him. I care for him. I care about his feelings. I don't want someone else making jokes about him or teasing him or staring at him because he walked out of the house looking foolish.

You should have said something. Find something else in her closet that looked more appropriate and suggested she put that on instead of what she had on. 

While she's out of town, do her a favor and go buy her some new blouses in a larger size. Help your wife out!


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## trey69

Jeapordy said:


> I really wanted to tell her that she needs to wear something more appropriate for her size, but didn't dare say a word, because she was already stressing, and she was on her way to the airport. But that just looks bad. It's like having toilet paper on your shoe. Someone should tell you before you embarrass yourself,



I know you were wanting to tell her because you were trying to save her from embarrassment, but
sounds more like its an embarrassment to you. Or she is rather. 

Hopefully when she returns you will be able to tell her how you feel.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

WorkingOnMe said:


> My wife wears size 6 pants. She is 5'6" and about 145 lbs.


Huh. When I was that size I was a 10.  We are all shaped so differently, though. The smallest I've ever been was an 8 and I was 5'6.5" and 125 pounds.


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## AgentD

A Bit Much said:


> If you had a booger hanging or food in your teeth, would you want your wife to tell you? That's how I look at telling my husband about what he's wearing.


I agree too, I would want to know. But you know, there were times when my husband and I would go out to dinner, and sometimes he might get some dressing in his beard or mustache. Or sometimes crumbs from food stuck, etc. and I would tell him. Didn't matter how I told him, but for some odd reason he would get mad when I told him. :scratchhead:So guess, what, I stopped telling him. Now if he has dressing or something in his beard and we're out some place, oh well!


----------



## A Bit Much

AgentD said:


> I agree too, I would want to know. But you know, there were times when my husband and I would go out to dinner, and sometimes he might get some dressing in his beard or mustache. Or sometimes crumbs from food stuck, etc. and I would tell him. Didn't matter how I told him, but for some odd reason he would get mad when I told him. :scratchhead:So guess, what, I stopped telling him. Now if he has dressing or something in his beard and we're out some place, oh well!


He must be a perfectionist.  Got mad at you for shining a light on his 'imperfections'. lol


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## Deejo

FrenchFry said:


> When
> 
> 
> 
> The last part of my post was towards:
> 
> 
> 
> which is bull****
> 
> 
> 
> which is bull****
> 
> 
> 
> Study: Overweight People Live Longer
> 
> so bull****.


I do like your style.


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## HopelesslyJaded

I don't mind being told something doesn't look good on me. But when OP states "something more appropriate for her size" it really speaks volumes on how he feels.

I don't think saying something like "You know that blue blouse that you wore when we went to the movies. I really liked that on you." But it isn't so much her clothes it what's under them and if it bothers you that bad then I guess you just gonna have to say something but be prepared for sadness. It hurts to think that the one person who is suppose to see you as the most beautiful doesn't.


----------



## Emerald

Why do some here feel this topic is "off limits" to your spouse?

What other topics are off limits?

A healthy, mature, loving marriage should be able to deal with ANY topic.

When my husband gained more weight than I liked, I flat out told him that it was a turn-off. He hated the weight gain & did some things (jogging) to try & lose the weight but he ate like a horse so no weight loss. He was not offended that it bothered me because & this is important - he wanted to lose the weight MORE than I wanted him to.

He LOVES thin women. That is what he is attracted to. When I put on an extra 5-10 lbs. - I heard about it! I didn't get offended because I wasn't happy with the weight gain either.

I guess OP's wife is very sensitive about the subject of her weight so I have no advice.

I just wanted to let him know that the subject is not "taboo" in other marriages as he contemplates what do to.


----------



## La Rose Noire

FrenchFry said:


> Study: Overweight People Live Longer
> 
> so bull****.


Did you actually read the study or did you just post it because you thought the headline reinforces your point?

It says that overweight people live longer, but not necessarily healthier. They believe it's because doctors are more aggressive in treating them. Sorry, I'd rather live a shorter, healthier life than live a longer one full of health complications. 

In fact the authors of the research themselves don't believe it's okay to be overweight. They say so here:

http://newsroom.blogs.cnn.com/2009/06/29/study-being-overweight-helps-you-live-longer/

And if you think overweight people are of no concern to anyone, you're wrong. Who exactly do you think is paying for those aggressive treatments? With a failing economy, do you really think a society of sick overweight people isn't eventually going to contribute to its collapse?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gbrad

A Bit Much said:


> Women have a hard time with making TIME for themselves. This is in every area of their lives. Men go to the gym for an hour or two without thinking about the list of chores they need to do (mostly because they have wives who do them) and running the kids around from this practice to that dance class...
> 
> 
> 
> They're stuck in the "if I don't do it, who will" and in the process they let themselves go.


And sometimes the tables are turned completely the other way. Where the husband is one responsible for everything and has to do it or it never gets done. While the wife only has work on the mind. Even with all that, I am still finding time to go to the gym. I'm not in bad shape, never have been. But I still want to look better, be more attractive, and that only comes with putting in the effort.


----------



## A Bit Much

gbrad said:


> And sometimes the tables are turned completely the other way. Where the husband is one responsible for everything and has to do it or it never gets done. While the wife only has work on the mind. *Even with all that, I am still finding time to go to the gym. * I'm not in bad shape, never have been. But I still want to look better, be more attractive, and that only comes with putting in the effort.


And like Deejo stated so plainly above...

It's more difficult for women (in general) to reconcile this type of mindset without feeling guilty for letting something slack. You may indeed have a wife who is not the caregiving nurturer of the family. IMO she's in the minority.


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## Emerald

gbrad said:


> And sometimes the tables are turned completely the other way. Where the husband is one responsible for everything and has to do it or it never gets done. While the wife only has work on the mind. Even with all that, I am still finding time to go to the gym. I'm not in bad shape, never have been. But I still want to look better, be more attractive, and that only comes with putting in the effort.


Right! EXCUSES!

Many busy people that work, have children, run households MAKE the time to work out

Even the POTUS & FLOTUS (those arms....sigh....) have time to work out. They are both in great shape.


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## La Rose Noire

Do You Know the Health Risks of Being Overweight? - Health Facts

Yeah I totally want to live a longer life with all those issues... Where do I sign up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Coffee Amore

Emerald said:


> Right! EXCUSES!
> 
> Many busy people that work, have children, run households MAKE the time to work out
> 
> Even the POTUS & FLOTUS (those arms....sigh....) have time to work out. They are both in great shape.


Am probably going to get flamed for this so I'm putting on my flame protection suite....The same people *I know* who say they are too busy to workout still find the time to watch _American Idol _or some other TV program. Reminds me of the saying, you either do it or find an excuse.

These days you can exercise at home to DVDs. There are a lot of DVDs (Jillian Michaels, Tony Horton, etc.) who offer very short workouts of 25 minutes or less. Someone can't find 25 minutes a day to exercise?


----------



## that_girl

I hate working out. HATE IT. It's boring and a waste of my time. I stay active at work (teaching 2nd grade), I play with my kids after school, I clean, cook, blah blah. I refuse to pay money to go to a stinky, musty gym.

But because I'm not doing cardio, I watch my calories and stay under 1400 a day (this maintains my weight).

So...while I hate working out, I have no excuse for eating like a glutton. Which I don't. Sometimes I do....but it doesn't effect me, because it's only SOMEtimes.

And I've been known to 'march in place' throughout a TV show...just to be moving. But I really hate working out...DVD or gym.


----------



## A Bit Much

DVD's are boring to me too. And I too hate working out with a passion... but I get it in. I watch what I eat. I'd be a hell of a lot bigger than I am if I didn't do these things...

I long for the days when I was in my 20's and early 30's when I could eat whatever I wanted and didn't have to worry about it. Being a size 6 was effortless. Then I had to have a hysto. The estrogen levels in me went berzerk and I gained about 15 lbs in just tumors. Then came the early menopause. Yep I'm having fun now at 42!!

My mom liked to say... "Don't get old." I see the humor in it now.


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## HopelesslyJaded

Weight has always been a struggle for me. The smallest I have been since reaching high school age was an 8 and even as a teenger I had to work to keep that. And I was active with softball and danceline. Sucks!


----------



## Emerald

gbrad said:


> bekaydezz, you are right, this is not about health. It is about women who are not attractive due to the weight they have gained or just have not gotten rid of. It is understood that some have the weight due to health, others have it due to a poor metabolism. What gets me is when no effort is made to try and get into better shape and make themselves more attractive.


I knew a couple (kids grown) & the husband had "the talk" with his wife for YEARS. She basically ignored him & told him that he was shallow & he SHOULD love her no matter what then complained to everyone about him. We all told her she better listen to him & lose weight. She kept gaining more weight & it was a vicious cycle.

He walked, remarried a woman he was attracted to & she fell into a deep depression & never remarried. She is now a very large bitter woman.


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## FalconKing

FrenchFry.

I respect your passion on your views and I see your point. But honestly..directly telling a woman to just do something about her weight? Surely that just can't go well That's like stepping on a land mine!!

This is why I hope to meet a woman that is health conscious for her own benefit. She'll be wanting to look attractive for herself which probably means she won't have that insecurity.


----------



## in my tree

OP - I've read several times about your wife's stress levels. It appears that she has a very stressful job and perhaps her homelife is adding to that? Apart from a vacation, think about when you remember her to be the most relaxed and happy. What was different and was she healthier, thinner, etc? Is there something that could be done to help her relieve some of that stress from her life? I just know that when I am stressed out of my mind that I feel like I barely have time to sit and eat much less exercise. Just something to mull over.


----------



## Deejo

Man, I hope a moderator reigns this in ...


----------



## CallaLily

Deejo said:


> Man, I hope a moderator reigns this in ...


I was thinking the same thing earlier!


----------



## Thundarr

I was expecting this to be a topic where anyone with a negative attitude toward people over weight would get slammed hard. Shows how much I know about it.

I think this is one of those deals where effort does not go as far as knowledge. For that matter effort makes our bodies fight against us. Case in point, the yo yo affect.

Diets don't work. Life style changes do usually. I've been pleasantly surprised at how a little time eating good food and guess what. It becomes what I crave. The opposite is true to though. A little time eating crap and then that's what I crave.

To the point of the post. See if she'll go to a weight loss doctor that can find what works for her and is sustainable. My opinion is most people lose weight if they cut down processed foods and minimize empty carbs and get some daily activity (working out is not a must). This low fat way of staying thin keeps you freaking hungry all the time.


----------



## Deejo

It is a very difficult position for both parties.

Nobody in either case wants to feel what they are feeling. I don't believe for a moment that the OP enjoys not feeling attracted to his wife. Nor does he enjoy the discomfort of knowing how very upset she will be if he just 'tells it like it is.'

Nor do I believe that his spouse is completely happy with herself and how she looks, or knowing full well that her husband isn't attracted to her without him ever saying a word.

Ultimately, you need to abide by what YOU need to express, and be prepared to accept or deliver on the consequences of your convictions.

My ex and I would frequently eyeball one another and say something like, "You need to get back to the gym."

We understood what that meant. We weren't offended, or emotionally wounded. It was a reminder to one another and an expression of something that we acknowledged was important to both of us.


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## ronie

loosing weight is possible... its not only make her look good in front of you but she will really like it.. when she got back her size. you can talk to one of my friend who loosed 25 kgs.. he is available on face book. he is 42 done his weight loss 2 yrs back.
his id is barnz marbaniang. i saw him on fb. he ll be a better person to share his experience with you.
Thanks


----------



## jaquen

Starstarfish said:


> If rice and noodles are so bad, how do so many Asian cuisines rely on them almost exclusively, and folks seem to have far less weight and health problems than us (IE - the Westernized world). I think trying to point the fingers at one specific food, is really simplifying a problem about making overall better choices.
> 
> Of course, what is the better choice, there's endless debate about, is the solution going vegetarian? Mediterranean? Paleo? Gluten Free? Again, I'd recommend asking a professional - a doctor, a nutritionist, something.
> 
> Different people have different dietary needs.


Most Asian diets are typically rice, lean proteins, lots of vegetables, moderate fat, and very little sugar, and MUCH lower calorie than us. Most Asian nations also tend to be far more active than people in the States (well that's most other countries period). White sugar is basically the devil.

But the obesity problem is rising, even in Japan, which is historically a place of very lean people, as our diet becomes more, and more, prevalent. Every single place in the world that is adapting SAD (Standard American Diet) is seeing obesity, type 2 diabetes, and a whole host of other health issues skyrocketing. 

The worst diet in human history is the American diet. When the low fat craze of the 70's/80's hit, it all went down hill. "Low Fat" helped make us fat by treating fat as the enemy (it is not), and replacing fat with TONS of sugar. Sugar is the primary culprit in our rapid, sad decline in health, and our rise in obesity. Add onto that sedentary lifestyles, along with thousands of unhealthy chemicals, which create horrid "frankenfoods", and you've got a recipe for disaster on a very wide scale.

And when I say sugar, I'm not just talking about the usual cakes, pies, and cookies. I'm talking about things like bread, which is essentially a sweetless-sweet. Combining all this high GI carbohydrates with tons of fat, and proteins, is a nightmare.
We'd basically need to all be Olympic athletes to get away with how the average American eats and stay relatively lean.

We have it ALL WRONG in this country. Our food pyramid recommendations alone are criminal, and based more off lobbying from Big Food companies than what is actually healthy for the current needs overall for most people in the States.


----------



## Thundarr

jaquen said:


> Most Asian diets are typically rice, lean proteins, lots of vegetables, moderate fat, and very little sugar, and MUCH lower calorie than us. Most Asian nations also tend to be far more active than people in the States (well that's most other countries period). White sugar is basically the devil.
> 
> But the obesity problem is rising, even in Japan, which is historically a place of very lean people, as our diet becomes more, and more, prevalent. Every single place in the world that is adapting SAD (Standard American Diet) is seeing obesity, type 2 diabetes, and a whole host of other health issues skyrocketing.
> 
> The worst diet in human history is the American diet. When the low fat craze of the 70's/80's hit, it all went down hill. "Low Fat" helped make us fat by treating fat as the enemy (it is not), and replacing fat with TONS of sugar. Sugar is the primary culprit in our rapid, sad decline in health, and our rise in obesity. Add onto that sedentary lifestyles, along with thousands of unhealthy chemicals, which create horrid "frankenfoods", and you've got a recipe for disaster on a very wide scale.
> 
> And when I say sugar, I'm not just talking about the usual cakes, pies, and cookies. I'm talking about things like bread, which is essentially a sweetless-sweet. Combining all this high GI carbohydrates with tons of fat, and proteins, is a nightmare.
> We'd basically need to all be Olympic athletes to get away with how the average American eats and stay relatively lean.
> 
> We have it ALL WRONG in this country. Our food pyramid recommendations alone are criminal, and based more off lobbying from Big Food companies than what is actually healthy for the current needs overall for most people in the States.


YES YES YES. Here a very interesting clip from "60 Minutes" on added sugars.
Is sugar toxic? - 60 Minutes - CBS News

Plus remember Asians have been eating a similar diet for a long time. They are genetically used to it. Some Native American tribes have more problems with this than the rest of us because their ancestors ate more protein and fat and less carbs for many generations.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

Starstarfish said:


> So, what did your husband do, MWIL?
> 
> Did he cheat on you because you were heavier? Did he play the food nazi, and demand to know everything you were eating? Did he measure your arms? Did people tell him to leave you because you were lazy and just didn't care?
> 
> What did he do to encourage you when you lost the weight? Was he willing to change his diet as well, or was he meant to keep eating the same things and not exercise while you busted yourself trying to look better for him?
> 
> That's really the question here, not reinforcing what people do or don't find attractive.


Did he cheat - not that I know of.

Did he play food nazi - not quite, but did mention things I was eating and if I ate this instead of that.

I don't know if people told him that, you would have to ask him.

Did he encourage my weight loss...nope...did that myself.

Was he willing or did he change his diet...nope...did that myself.

Nobody is trying to reinforce what someone does/does not find attractive. The main point of the OP was I don't find her attractive. How do I have the "you're too fat conversation." It's up to him if he does/does not find her attractive.

Some people find chubby/fat people attractive, some find stick-thin people attractive, doesn't matter to me one bit.

What I get tired of hearing are all the EXCUSES people use for why they can't lose weight. If no doctor-stamped, valid health reasons exist, then it's just all smoke, mirrors and excuses. And I speak from personal experience.

And so what if he leaves her because she's fat. In my opinion that doesn't make him a bad person or one without morals. I wouldn't stay married to fat either. Personal choice--he has to LIVE with it, you don't.


----------



## jaquen

Coffee Amore said:


> To me a 30 pound weight gain is a lot of pounds.


Adding the equivalent of small child in fat to your body is a lot. 

Anybody saying that a 30lbs gain isn't "that much", or "a lot", is wrong. It might not be something that stops their attraction personally, but medically there is no such thing as "oh, it's only 30lbs". 30lbs does affect a person, both visually and internally.



Coffee Amore said:


> To expect six-pack abs on a woman who works all day long, then tends to the family all night long is a bit much. But expecting a spouse to keep the weight at a normal range for their height is reasonable.


I'd like to point out that abs get a really bad rap. People think you need to work out in the gym for hours on end to get them. What most people don't seem to realize is that 80%, at least, of visual abs are cooked in the KITCHEN. We all have "six packs", that's merely part of our physiological make up. Anybody can have a visible six pack if they get their bodyfat levels down low enough. People working hard to target their abs are only adding more definition to that which already exists. They are not make abs in the gym, and it does not require hours of grueling work to see them. Technically most people can see their abdominal if they have a smart diet, even with just moderate excessive.

This is not to suggest that visible abs is important, or even preferable (I know a lot of me especially don't like visual abs on women). That depends on one's taste. But it might help people to realize that if they're a human being (on the off chance they might not have realized it yet), they already have abs and it's just a matter of uncovering them if they want to.


----------



## CallaLily

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> wouldn't stay married to fat either. Personal choice--he has to LIVE with it, you don't.


True. It is a personal choice. It amazes me at why some people stay married. For example cheating or abusive treatment is a deal breaker for ME, I wouldn't stay married to that either.


----------



## jaquen

Runs like Dog said:


> Diet is less than half of the problem of weigh gain. Inactivity is a bigger problem. I did a test on myself two years ago when I was on crutches for a long period of time. But tweaking my diet I lost weight but my blood pressure went up 40%. Inactivity will kill you.



So very, very, very true. Some people's weight issues stem mostly from very poor diets, some from inactivity.

I was fat from first grade on. I didn't have the best diet as a kid, but it was pretty standard. Many of the thinner kids ate much more than I did. When I got older, for the life of me, my weight baffled me because I was never a humongous eater. I had troubles with sweets, yes, but not enough to justify my weight. I then realized that the largest part of my problem was that I was very sedentary as a child/teen. When I became active, the weight flew off. 

I gained a TON of weight after I got married, and then even more after I lost my brother and mother. All of this happened less than a two year time period. My eating wasn't the main culprit. My metabolism slowed down from extreme inactivity as I just stopped moving. 

I am very good now at manipulating my diet to lose weight even while not moving. But my body _needs _activity. I lose weight faster and I feel amazing. Now I try and walk between 40-50 miles a week, and I do body weight only exercises, and I live permanently on a very simple diet of various meats/seafood, fat, and lots of vegetables. This way of eating keeps me satiated (I rarely ever experience hunger, even if I go long periods of time without eating), my body running well and feeling good, and allows me freedom to not be obsessed with calorie counting or worrying about going overboard. The only time I go overboard, start to experience intense hunger, and have trouble stopping eating is when I introduce white sugar back into my diet. That **** is absolute poison for me, physically and mentally.

When I get off my fat ass, and put in the work, the results are consistent, and amazing. The one thing I can say about myself is that I NEVER gave excuses. Ever. Nobody even needed to have a talk with me about weight because there wasn't anything they could say that I hadn't said to myself dozens of times, _every single day of my life_. Not a single person in existence was capable of being harder on me about my weight than I was. That's why I don't have a ton of sympathy for the excuses and the bull****, of which there is A LOT in most fat people's lives. 

Being obese absolutely obliterated my self esteem, and I had about the lowest body image you can possibly have (especially for a man). I was so destroyed by obesity mentally that when I finally did lose the weight, back when I was 19, and became what a lot of people classified as a "hot" guy, I couldn't even see it. In my my mind I didn't look any different in my 180's than I did in my 260's. I eventually ended up gaining back a ton of weight, and then some, because my mind didn't catch up with my body. You've got to get healthy in body AND mind.


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## anony2

I have a suggestion that might be good for the OP and his wife. There is something I came across that will help her get into shape and it helps work those sex muscles (kegal area). It is called So Tight Fitness. I have been working on this for about a week now and it has definitely helped me in more ways than one.


----------



## unbelievable

"Sweetie, I'm worried I have been seeing too much of you lately."


----------



## Runs like Dog

America. It's not enough to be obese. We invented another super category on top of that - morbidly obese. I don't want to know what comes after that.


----------



## jaquen

CallaLily said:


> jaquen, whats your advice to the OP about how to approach this with his wife?


*The best advice I personally can offer is talking about what worked for my wife and I. This is such a very difficult discussion to have. This is a modified version of a post I made for another thread recently:*


For the reasons I posted in above, I was incredibly sensitive to fat and weight issues. My wife knew, long before we married, that I believed that excessive weight was not attractive to me. She knew this even before we got in a relationship, as she was my best friend for years before we got together. 

This, of course, didn't stop her from gaining weight. The difference is my wife never had that crushing insecurity I did, and frankly was very oblivious to her weight gain. We still talked frankly about it, and I did not berate, or belittle her, to lose it. But she was pretty out of touch with the fact that she was getting larger and larger (made less noticeable because she's very voluptuous naturally, never lost her basic shape, and carries weight very well).

At some point, after putting on about 40-50 pounds during our marriage (I gained a lot of weight back too), she became cognizant about the weight gain and suddenly, for the first time in her life, became VERY self conscious about her body. Where as I had wanted her to gain just an awareness of what happened, she swung totally far left and was not only aware, but ashamed. I hated seeing her feel that way about her body, having traveled that crappy road myself.

Honestly the road was rocky. She knew how I felt. We talked about the weight gain. We didn't fight about it (my wife doesn't fight), but it made her very uncomfortable. For probably the better part of two years we'd have semi-regular conversations about weight. Finally she reached an emotional breaking point, felt like I was putting her under extreme pressure, and asked me to never talk to her about it again. This was very hard for me to do, as I was concerned about her health, her self esteem, and my own level of attraction. I resented the hand smack initially. But when it was clear that she couldn't take any more talks, even if I thought of them as encouraging, so I dropped it. I was terrified that if I didn't keep the lines of communication open about her weight, she'd just get larger and larger, and eventually it would become a huge problem for her health, and our marriage. But I let it go, and I turned it over to God, and tried my best to move on and concentrate on my own battle.

Then something changed. A couple of months after I let go, and moved on, she started to change...on her own. She started working out, working to get her eating together, the whole nine yards. She tends to lose weight very slowly, so it's an uphill battle, but she is totally committed to getting herself together, not just for me, but for herself. She's been on weight watchers for over a little over a year, is a pescetarian now, and has lost about 30-35 pounds. She works out at least four days a week, and is now doing the couch-to-5K program. She's not trying to get to where she was on the day of our wedding either; her goal is to get back to her high school weight, which is still about 40 pounds to go.

Something changed in me too. I met my wife at her highest weight, and found that despite my long time fears I was still attracted to her. Now she didn't get to a level of extreme morbid obesity (which I readily admit would likely kill the physical side of my attraction), but she did have considerable weight gain. I faced my own fears, and prejudices, and discovered that my capacity for attraction to the woman I adore runs a lot deeper than I thought. It was a welcome, and necessarily, revelation. 

It's working out for us both now. She's on her own journey, and I've lost 55 pounds over the last year on mine (I could have lost a lot more, but I took it very slowly this time). Our goal is to be in the best shape of our entire lives by the close of 2013, and to maintain that. It's very important to both of us that we get better as we get older, and don't succumb to the usual crap that people tell you humans "have" to face as they age.


----------



## jaquen

381917 said:


> Depends on where you shop. A 0 at Abercrombie is a lot smaller than a 0 at Old Navy. Old Navy is, I guess, what I would call vanity sizing.


There is no such thing as "size 0". It has always been a vanity size, no matter where you shop. It did NOT exist until a few decades ago.

A literal size zero would be "thin air".



Runs like Dog said:


> America. It's not enough to be obese. We invented another super category on top of that - morbidly obese. I don't want to know what comes after that.


I know.

Dead.


----------



## jaquen

FrenchFry said:


> Man! Being a size 14 is just DISGUSTING.
> 
> I mean, look at this woman
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> She is definitely not attractive and so hideous , I just can't imagine anyone wanting to be in any kind of relationship ever! You can tell she is so totally unhealthy and just GROSS. How does she walk out of the house? FAT FATTY.
> 
> /sarcasm
> 
> For the OP:
> Be real with yourself and your partner. This health stuff is a diversionary tactic


Speaking of diversionary tactics...

Posting a photo shopped, well lit, well postured photo of a woman you _assume_ wears a US size 14 (since most plus sized models actually do NOT wear plus sized clothing) does nothing to support your point at all.

This woman likely doesn't look like this outside of the photo, regardless of what size she actually is.

How about you show us some candid photos of a real, US size 14 women, with her shirt off, and then we can make a realistic assessment from there.

Chances are you won't find it.


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## Thundarr

Runs like Dog said:


> America. It's not enough to be obese. We invented another super category on top of that - morbidly obese. I don't want to know what comes after that.


Death.


----------



## La Rose Noire

FrenchFry said:


> Did read the article, thx.
> 
> Your choice to want to live a shorter healthier life. Keep on making those choices girlfriend.


Except this isn't about my choices, girlfriend. You tried to make a point that it's better to be overweight than in shape, and you failed. Miserably I might add. The link you provided doesn't back you up in the least. 



> Fat people tanking the economy. :rofl:
> 
> Without going into politics, there is a really easy way to make sure being overweight would have little effect on our economy: preventative care. Something a lot of people sorely lack.
> 
> But uh, being fat is way down on the list on why we will collapse as a society.
> 
> Honestly, I've never been overweight, but I just can't begrudge people for having different priorities than I do because I continue to struggle on the side where thinness is the overarching consumptive need and it's not great. It actually sucks a lot, and if American Idol and a bag of chips makes you happy...people should be able to enjoy it without the guilt.


I never said fat people will tank the economy. What a poor attempt at twisting my words. You can't deny that there is an economical impact though. 

One Nation Overweight: Fighting Obesity in America, Facts, Information, Factoids - CNBC

As for people enjoying whatever they like without guilt, you could say the same thing about smoking, drugs, drinking, etc. Doesn't make it right either. We aren't meant to indulge in whatever we like without consequences. 

Personally I don't feel like having to pay for their lap bands because all they did was watch Idol and eat chips until they realized they couldn't get off the couch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## La Rose Noire

jaquen said:


> There is no such thing as "size 0". It has always been a vanity size, no matter where you shop. It did NOT exist until a few decades ago.
> 
> A literal size zero would be "thin air".


Tell me about it. I've been a 0 for years. Now all of a sudden size 0 is getting loose and I find myself occasionally buying 00. What the hell is 00? What's next? Negative numbers??

It sucks too because I do have curves and can rarely find pants that fit. They make 00 so small, it will fit my waist but not the booty. Then size 0 will fit the booty but the waist will be loose. 

I hate shopping.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HopelesslyJaded

Runs like Dog said:


> America. It's not enough to be obese. We invented another super category on top of that - morbidly obese. I don't want to know what comes after that.


Well I have watched enough fat stories about gastric bypass to know there is one. It's called "Super morbidly obese". I have been morbidly obese before. For my height, 60+lbs overweight is morbidly obese. I hope to never see that again.


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## jaquen

Emerald said:


> I knew a couple (kids grown) & the husband had "the talk" with his wife for YEARS. She basically ignored him & told him that he was shallow & he SHOULD love her no matter what then complained to everyone about him. We all told her she better listen to him & lose weight. She kept gaining more weight & it was a vicious cycle.
> 
> He walked, remarried a woman he was attracted to & she fell into a deep depression & never remarried. She is now a very large bitter woman.


Those are the same women who end up at the local hair salon, yapping their traps off about how men are shallow dogs and ain't worth ****. And they're the first people to offer relationship advice to women looking for some perspective on matters of love and men.

I really think more women and men need to stop listening to the loud and bitter, and start listening to what the opposite sex is telling them about their own needs.


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## HopelesslyJaded

jaquen said:


> There is no such thing as "size 0". It has always been a vanity size, no matter where you shop. It did NOT exist until a few decades ago.
> 
> A literal size zero would be "thin air".
> 
> 
> 
> I know.
> 
> Dead.


I don't think arguing whether a 0 is a size or not is irrelevant because no matter what a 0 is really small regardless of where you shop.


----------



## HopelesslyJaded

jaquen said:


> Speaking of diversionary tactics...
> 
> Posting a photo shopped, well lit, well postured photo of a woman you _assume_ wears a US size 14 (since most plus sized models actually do NOT wear plus sized clothing) does nothing to support your point at all.
> 
> This woman likely doesn't look like this outside of the photo, regardless of what size she actually is.
> 
> How about you show us some candid photos of a real, US size 14 women, with her shirt off, and then we can make a realistic assessment from there.
> 
> Chances are you won't find it.


Is that a dare? lol I am a 12/14 at the moment. I have a pic in the picture thread. Not sure if a shirtless one would be appropriate.


----------



## jaquen

FrenchFry said:


> I cropped the picture.
> 
> Her is her model z card:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> She is a plus size model.
> 
> I went to the website and picked the size 14 I had the second biggest crush on as the first one had nudity.
> 
> http://www.flauntmodels.com/cards/plus/sheila spellar.jpg
> 
> (first choice linked, NSFW)
> 
> I bet that size 14 lady turns some serious heads.
> 
> Are you trying to tell me models aren't reality? Well, I never.


First off, the woman is absolutely gorgeous. That is beyond debate. She reminds me of _Mad Men_'s Christina Hendricks, who is also a fuller woman, and is one of the most sexy, and beautiful women who has ever walked the face of the planet. One of my favorite things to watch on TV is her just walking across a room.

But thank you for posting her stats, because it proves my point.

She is a size 12/14 in _dress_. But she's 5'8", which is tall for a woman, and has a 32 inch waist. 

Do you know what size that makes her in pants? US size 10-12, and if it's a manufacturer with a lot of vanity sizing, she could even fit a US 8.

I come from a family of plus sized, overweight to obese, and even morbidly obese, women. I know all the tricks of the trade. The vast majority of "plus sized" models are nowhere near plus sized. They are women in the size 6-12 category who are too big to model for most fashion houses, so they are marketed as "plus" sized.


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## jaquen

HopelesslyJaded said:


> I don't think arguing whether a 0 is a size or not is irrelevant because no matter what a 0 is really small regardless of where you shop.


Well a lot of people are engaged in this national debate as this unregulated, bull**** vanity sizing for men AND women is causing a lot of damage.

Pressure to be a freaking size 0, which fifty years ago was a size 4-6, leads to an insane body image standard, and all for a size that _can not possibly exist_. What does it say to women that our ultimate standard of beauty is actually just a fantasy? Not even a skeleton would wear a "size 0". 

On the flip size, as manufacturers continue to lie about clothing sizes, the American public is being duped into believing we're not getting as fat as we think. A ton of people are blind to weight gain visually, and take their cues about size from the clothes they fit. Well if the sizing is going down, even as our bodies go up, millions of people don't think they're gaining weight, or at least not at the level they truly are. So if a man always worse size 38 pants, and he continues to wear 38 pants, it can become very easy for him to say "well I'm the size I've always been".

What that dude might not realize is that his 38 pants from 1975 have become a hidden size 42 pants in 2012.

This might be something that doesn't bother you at all, and more power to you it it doesn't. But I believe we need regulation and standardization on clothing sizes in this country so that people can know truly what size they really are.

For instance would all the overweight, and even borderline obese, size 14 women be as comfortable with that average if they learned that today's size 14 was yesterday's size 16-18?

How about the man who thinks his "loose cut" size 40s are actually yesterday's size 46s?


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## HopelesslyJaded

jaquen said:


> Well a lot of people are engaged in this national debate as this unregulated, bull**** vanity sizing for men AND women is causing a lot of damage.
> 
> Pressure to be a freaking size 0, which fifty years ago was a size 6, leads to an insane body image standard, and all for a size that _can not possibly exist_.
> 
> On the flip size, as manufacturers continue to lie about clothing sizes, the American public is being duped into believing we're not getting as fat as we think. A ton of people are blind to weight gain visually, and take their cues about size from the clothes they fit. Well if the sizing is going down, even as our bodies go up, millions of people don't think they're gaining weight, or at least not at the level they truly are. So if a man always worse size 38 pants, and he continues to wear 38 pants, it can become very easy for him to say "well I'm the size I've always been".
> 
> What that dude might not realize is that his 38 pants from 1975 have become a hidden size 42 pants in 2012.
> 
> This might be something that doesn't bother you at all, and more power to you it it doesn't. But I believe we need regulation and standardization on clothing sizes in this country so that people can know truly what size they really are.
> 
> For instance would all the overweight, and even borderline obese, size 14 women be as comfortable with that average if they learned that today's size 14 was yesterday's size 16-18?
> 
> How about the man who thinks his "loose cut" size 40s are actually yesterday's size 46s?


I mean relevant not irrelevant.

I will agree with you. There does need to be some regulation in the sizes so that a 10 in this brand is the same in another brand. I have a friend at my gym that is relatively the same size as me get all excited and posted on FB that she put on a size 8. I said to myself. NO WAY!! In fact there are several girls around my size and weight that claim to wear smaller sizes than I do and I look at them like they are nuts! Now the difference in them and I may be that I don't find muffin tops attractive. I am not gonna wear a smaller pair of paints if they make a roll where there isn't one. So it takes me longer to claim a smaller size. It probably don't help that I have an ample rearend and thicker thighs either! So I also have the same issue as someone mentioned earlier with having to buy stuff to fit my butt and thighs and then it's 4 inches to big in the waist. Sucks!!

BTW I did have to say something to my friend about the size 8. I was like how? And she admitted to me she realized it probably was vanity sized but it made her feel good. Well BINGO! Perfect example to why things are the way they are.

The men's clothing I wasn't aware of. I just assumed that a 32 meant they were a 32 in the waist! I actually use to wear men's jeans when I was younger because 10 years ago women's jeans rode higher in the waist and I am short and liked the men's jeans because they rode lower. At that time I wore and 8 and wore men's 30x30 and 29x30. I did have to buy the loose cut because of my booty though!


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## Thundarr

In regards to size . There's a lot of wiggle room so long as the proportions are right. 

Thick leg/hips, slim waist, big bust..... GOOD.
Slim legs/hips, very slim waist, small or modest bust...... GOOD.
Waist more than 70% of both bust and legs/hips....... BAD.

I presume pot belly on men has the same negative affect for women.


----------



## jaquen

HopelesslyJaded said:


> I will agree with you. There does need to be some regulation in the sizes so that a 10 in this brand is the same in another brand.


Absolutely. If most Americans went on a shopping trip in Japan or Europe, and tried on the equivalent sizes they wear back at home, a lot of people wold be mortified that they can't even fit a leg in.




HopelesslyJaded said:


> Now the difference in them and I may be that I don't find muffin tops attractive.


:rofl:



HopelesslyJaded said:


> The men's clothing I wasn't aware of. I just assumed that a 32 meant they were a 32 in the waist!


A lot of men don't have a clue; I'd venture to say the vast majority.

I remember gaining a lot of weight in my senior year at university. I was wearing a 34/loose 36 for most of college, but put on only God knows how much weight on in my senior year. Now I could still fit my old 38 jeans, but when I went to a jean vendor downtown that sold clothing which was bought mainly by Asian people, I bought a new size 38 pants. Imagine my embarrassment to get home and try them on, only to not even be able to pull them up past my hefty ass thighs!


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## HopelesslyJaded

FrenchFry said:


> I cropped the picture.
> 
> Her is her model z card:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> http://www.flauntmodels.com/cards/plus/sheila spellar.jpg
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> My measurements are very comparable to hers. I just wish I was that tall. Only 5'4" here
> 
> 36 C/D 33 waist and 43 hips...To think my chest and hips use to be the same. That is the worse drawback to regular exercise for me. But alas, one day I can remedy that!
> 
> I find her very attractive as well as Adele and Christina Hendricks.


----------



## Created2Write

The concept of losing weight is a fairly easy one. If you burn more calories than you intake....tadda! You're going to lose weight. It's about eating less of the bad things, more of the good things, and exercising. Is she going to lose ten pounds in a week? No, not likely. But nor is such a significant weight loss healthy without the strict observance of a physician. 

The body needs at least 1500 calories to get all of the proper vitamins and nutrients it needs. And in our diet we need 5-7 servings of fruits _and_ 5-7 servings of veggies per day. I doubt many Americans get anywhere near that. I know I don't. 

Water is an incredible thing. Drinking enough water, in and of itself, boosts the metabolism. A higher metabolism means more calories burned. Exercising every day also boosts the metabolism. Eating right, and cutting out things like soda, fast food and junk food, also boosts the metabolism. 

If a person is eating right and exercising 3-5 times a week, there is absolutely no reason for them not to lose weight...even with thyroid issues. There was a female contestant on the Biggest Loser who had a legitimate thyroid issue and lost over 50 pounds over the course of the show. 

Also, for the OP, there is absolutely _nothing_ wrong with wanting your wife to be healthy. Obesity _is_ an issue in this country, and I've seen first hand in my family, in my husbands family, and in close family friends how terrible this issue can be. My mother's best friend is incredibly over weight, she says she tries and makes excuses for why she isn't losing weight. She has type 2 diabetes, and could be completely cured from it if she were to eat right and exercise, according to her doctor. She even had a stroke related to her massive weight gain, and still she eats terribly and doesn't exercise. That's willfully choosing to be sick and lazy. 

My husband's aunt and uncle are both really, really overweight, and all we hear from them are excuses about how they try and nothing happens, and now their kids are morbidly obese as well. I have a close friend who has been overweight all her life. She commits to being healthy for a time, and then gets lazy and goes on fad diet after fad diet to try and lose weight. She gets mad when it doesn't work, and then gives up. 

Honestly, being around these excuses and the laziness is tiring. I've even had to avoid this friend for a month because the excuses and the justifications were so irrational and annoying. And this woman you love and care about is your wife. Wanting her to be healthy is good, and it does not mean that you don't accept her. 

I wish I had advice for you, but I've learned that no amount of reasoning is every going to change someone's mind once it is made up. All you can do is make the changes you want to see in your household yourself, take care of yourself, and hope that she comes around.


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## kl84

Ok I read the original post and a couple responses so sorry if I am being repetitive. 

OP- if your wife has been to the Dr and it is determined that she does not have any medical issues causing her to not be able to lose the weight, then it's a motivation issue.

All of my life I was the tall skinny girl. Literally RIGHT UP UNTIL this pregnancy, which is pregnancy #4 for me. I always had a very high metabolism and was one of those girls who could eat......and eat......and eat..... and never put on a pound. I never really had to exercise after pregnancy, the weight just shed right off. Since I was 20, I have remained between a 3/4-5/6 jeans, 125-130 lbs, 5'8. 

Now, I am 7 months pregnant and already weigh 175. I feel TERRIBLE about myself. I mean I really feel awful. Even though I am pregnant there was NO reason for me to gain this much weight this quickly. It was all poor dieting habits and lack of self-control on my part. I never had this problem before but I guess since I am older now and this is my 4th pregnancy, I didn't get so lucky this round. I should have been practicing healthy habits all along. But what's done is done. With that being said, I am literally fantasizing about being able to get down and sweat my @$$ off to lose this weight. I refuse to be one of those moms that let herself go. So now, I am no doubt going to feel that frustration that a lot of women feel when trying to lose weight. For once, I am actually going to have to really work at it. I have the image in my mind of what I want to look like. No, I don't need to look like someone from sport's illustrated or anything, but what I am working with right now is just not going to work with me. And that is WITHOUT my husband having to say a word.

But let's just say I wasn't very motivated. Let's say after the baby is born I get into a slump and don't have the drive to workout. I would not want my husband to lie to me and tell me I look great when I don't. Where is the motivation in that? That would be him basically encouraging me to stay overweight. Of course there is a tactful way to put it. I wouldn't him telling me, "Um, babe.... you're fat". And probably no matter how he put it I would be a little hurt, but only because it's forcing me to see the truth. The truth is, being overweight hurts my self-esteem. It hurts my confidence. Even being preggo, when I look in the mirror and see a roll popping out the back of my shirt, it makes me feel bad. The worst part is knowing it didn't have to be this way. If I had a little more self-control, I would be at a normal weight range for this point in my pregnancy. Now I have just caused myself more work. 

I want my husband to be honest, and he is. He says, "Yes, you have put on a lot of weight but I know you'll lose it baby". That is encouraging. He's being truthful, but not hurtful. I can't tell you what to say to your wife because everyone reacts differently. But if I were in your wife's position, and I was frustrated that I was not meeting my goals, I would like my husband to say something like this: "Baby I really miss when you were in better shape. I know you're getting frustrated but you aren't a quitter. I have faith that you can lose this weight." To me, that's a positive way of telling someone they are overweight.....by reinforcing that you have faith they can lose it, it becomes sort of a motivator. Tell her you would be supportive of her efforts, you'd work out with her when you have time. Some women, no matter what you say, will get defensive. But I do NOT think you are shallow for not finding it attractive. If my husband started gaining weight I would say something about it, if I felt he had no desire to control it. It would be different if he were big when we met.... but he wasn't. 

My oldest son is obese and he is having several tests done to try and pinpoint what's causing it because it is not diet nor is it lack of exercise. He gets teased at school and it TEARS ME UP. He is a special needs child so this is just one more issue he has to deal with. I love him no matter what. I want him to be healthy and I am doing everything I can to help him get healthy. I would be robbing him of his childhood if I just sat back and let him stay this way. It's not fair to him. Just thought I would throw that in there so I don't seem like I am judgmental towards people with weight issues. I KNOW it's hard work and I know sometimes no matter what you do it seems there are never any results. But that doesn't mean give up, it's just another thing you know won't work and should motivate you to find something that does.


----------



## kl84

Oh and a funny little sn....

I didn't realize how much weight I had gained until I went to buy some shorts. I grabbed a pair of size 9's to "be on the safe side" LMAO. I couldn't even get them over my thighs lol. I was in total disbelief when I ended up leaving with a size 13 LOL. In all of my previous pregnancies, I was a size 9 at the time of delivery. I can easily get up to a size 16 this pregnancy...... Probably end up being about 190 when I give birth. That's a hard pill to swallow.....


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## Created2Write

Sizes in stores are definitely an issue. All through my adult teens(18 yrs old and up) I was a size 3. I'm short, but could still find pants that fit my height. These days, size _short_ 3 jeans have three or more inches in length than they used to. As far as height goes I would need to be a 1-2. I'm a very curvy woman. I have big breasts, wide hips and a rather nice bum. Sizes 1 and 2 will not fit me, yet a size 3 is too long. 

It is a horrible predicament to be in, and even though I am teeny tiny, it makes me feel like, because I'm no longer the twig I was in Jr. High, that I'm somehow overweight....when even for my height, I am what is considered skinny. Clothes sizes got to me so badly that I actually went to see a liposuction office to schedule a procedure. It was thousands upon thousands of dollars for the procedure, so I had to walk away knowing I couldn't get it done...not unless my mom or dad co-signed with me, and that was not about to ever happen. How embarrassing would that have been!

So, I cried for a while and pitied myself. And then I went to a local gym with my husband and we signed up for a membership. Know what happened? The self-hatred went away. I was able to see the good physical attributes that I have. And I started to shape my body into more of what I wanted to look like. I changed my diet(which was horrible) and started eating healthy and taking vitamins, drinking water...I cut out soda, etc. Clothes sizes? Now they really are just numbers. I don't have to convince myself of it, because I know I'm doing the right thing with my body. 

No two bodies are built the same. For one body type, a size 10 will be over weight, and for others it will be in a healthy range. But, when a person does exceed a healthy weight for their height, it doesn't matter what the size is...it's _still_ unhealthy. The same goes for being too skinny. For certain body types, a size 2 can be in the healthy range. For others, it can be malnutrition. A clothing size is just number. Weight and body fat percentages are what really tell us if, for their height, a person is healthy, obese, or underweight.


----------



## Adex

FrenchFry said:


> I cropped the picture.
> 
> Her is her model z card:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> She is a plus size model.
> 
> I went to the website and picked the size 14 I had the second biggest crush on as the first one had nudity.
> 
> http://www.flauntmodels.com/cards/plus/sheila spellar.jpg
> 
> (first choice linked, NSFW)
> 
> I bet that size 14 lady turns some serious heads.
> 
> Are you trying to tell me models aren't reality? Well, I never.


Definitely chunky in my book bordering on overweight.


----------



## HopelesslyJaded

Adex said:


> Definitely chunky in my book bordering on overweight.


I think we kind of knew what your opinion would be Adex. We get that you are into the Kate Moss look and that's ok. I could never live up that that code and I really hope for your partners sake that she is one of those people that is just naturally that skinny the rest of her life. Otherwise, she will be quite miserable trying to stay that way.


----------



## Thundarr

HopelesslyJaded said:


> I think we kind of knew what your opinion would be Adex. We get that you are into the Kate Moss look and that's ok. I could never live up that that code and I really hope for your partners sake that she is one of those people that is just naturally that skinny the rest of her life. Otherwise, she will be quite miserable trying to stay that way.


I'm lucky in that dimension means a lot to me.

My wife was 105lbs and were size 3 when we married. I thought she looked great. She is now 135lbs (She'd kill me for saying that) and wearing size 7. I still think she looks great. She put on weight in proportion. Legs, booty, bust, etc all gained weight along with the rest of her. For that matter she would still look good to me with 20 more pounds if put on right. It would be more unhealthy though.

What I find sexually unattractive is when the waist starts getting proportionally large compared to the rest. I've even seen slim women where the leg/butt are tiny and the waist is not. It's not attractive at all.


----------



## Jeapordy

*Re: How do you have the "you're too fat" conversation?*

So I'm coming back to this thread after a couple of months. I finally had the discussion. 
Background:
My wife put on a bunch of weight in the last 2 years due to a stressful job and poor habits. She was already overweight, but she packed on even more. She never told me how much, and I was a really bad judge of weight, so I assumed she was 30-50 lbs. overweight. 
Between her body image issues, and my resentment towards her weight gain, we wouldn't have sex often. Her size made me lose a lot of desire for her. It wasn't just the weight, but the fact that she didn't care enough about herself or about my feelings. The judgmental people on this forum ignore the fact that a spouse has to look at someone that looks completely different than the person they married. It is different if it is a medical condition, but most weight gain is completely avoidable and reversible. I also started to masturbate several times per week to keep my drive in check, which also helped me not resent her quite as much, but that made me want to have sex with her less also. 
This finally caused me to have ED issues where I couldn't keep it up. Sometimes I couldn't get it up, and sometimes I couldn't keep it up. One night, when she wanted to have sex in the middle of the week (which never happens), I just couldn't get it up. She got very upset, and asked if it was her weight. I sort of lied, and said that her weight might have contributed, but it was probably just normal age related ED. 
This was my opportunity to start talking about her weight. I told her I loved her, and that I was very scared that her weight was unhealthy and would prevent us from doing all the things we talked about doing in our retirement years (like hiking the Grand Canyon). I told her that I needed her to be healthy for both of us, because if it was just for me, she would resent me. I offered to get her a personal trainer, and a dietician. 
So fast forward a couple of months. She got the personal trainer and has been working her ass off (literally). She fessed up that she was actually about 80 lbs above the weight she was when we got married (shocker!). She is on a sustainable diet with smaller portions and lower carbs. For my part, I stopped watching porn and masturbating. I offer her lots of encouragement and tell her she is doing great. She has probably lost around 5-10 lbs (she doesn't tell me). But you can start to see a difference.
Now the problem. This is a long journey, with no guarantee that she will stick with it. I'm trying very hard to keep up my end, which increases my drive, but her drive has actually gone down. She is always tired or sore from the exercising routines. I'm not sure if she resents me or not, but she has no sexual thoughts most of the time. I make advances almost every day, but get shot down. 
She refused to see a MC or sex therapist before the weight loss program, so I doubt she will do it now. In fact, anything which makes her upset would most likely result in a negative impact on the weight loss. So this is a double edge sword. My drive is up, hers is down. She is losing weight, but that hasn't improved her drive. I'm trying to not be resentful that I'm not getting any and I've given up masturbating (for now). We have several other problems that really need a sex therapist, but she is completely against that. So for now, I guess I just sit back and see where life takes us. :scratchhead:


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## Soifon

It may not be that she resents you. I had a baby 2 months ago and am working right now on losing and getting back to my pre-baby weight. I probably have about 20 lbs to lose. My SO and I have sex regularly because he initiates it and I usually don't stop him but if it were up to me we wouldn't be having sex right now.  I feel like I _must_ be unattractive to him and don't really want him to see me like this. It may be that she now knows how you feel and that you aren't as attracted to her with the extra weight and that is making her not want to have sex out of embarrassment.

One thing that helps me get over it is that when I tell my SO that I don't want him to see me like this he tells me that he still finds me attractive (which may not be your case) but he also tells me that he finds it incredibly sexy to see me putting in the effort and working out. That makes me feel a lot better and actually motivates me to keep going.


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## Mrs Chai

I haven't read over the responses but I know there's a goldmine of good advice available to you.

I'll let you know how I've dealt with and my husband has dealt with our yo-yoing weight.

I'm tiny and thin, though I have to eat healthy and stay active to do that. I find I'm really motivated by my husband who puts on weight easily but has a dedication to a diet that is amazing. He's lost 10 lbs in two weeks by diet alone, no exercise.

That really motivated me, seeing how well he'd eat despite temptations (I'd want to go out to eat, have bread, pasta) and he's always stick to it. Period. No matter how much I might wave a delicious piece of bruschetta in his face.

I've always been bad with food diets. I'll cheat. Plateau. I compensate by exercise. Someday I will have enough self discipline to lose weight purely by diet just like my husband.

But when he slacks or cheats, I jump at the chance to do it myself.

So I guess my point is... lead by example. My husband saw my struggle and would sometimes make meals for me, or prep ingredients so I could throw it together and not have the excuse of eating something less healthy (or going out to eat) as I hate cooking. He'd encourage my exercising by accepting it was part of my routine and planning around it. Such as:

"After your workout we are going to go to a movie."

And sometimes that would actually get me to go work out, because gosh do I want to come home and just be a couch potatoe.

Anyway, I couldn't be as efficient if it weren't for the support that my husband provides. He manages to do it in a way where I don't feel like he's nagging or judging me. Though if I cheat, or slack on exercising, I do appreciate when he points it out. Especially if its one or two days in a row. Sometimes I need a slap of reality to get out of my lazy funk.

Make it a couples thing. I got him started on his health during the summer, after my jog I'd meet up at the house and have him walk with me as a cooldown. It also got him out and moving. Him seeing my being active motivated him without me saying something hurtful.

I hope this helps!


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## Template

*Re: How do you have the "you're too fat" conversation?*



Jeapordy said:


> So I'm coming back to this thread after a couple of months. I finally had the discussion.
> Background:
> My wife put on a bunch of weight in the last 2 years due to a stressful job and poor habits. She was already overweight, but she packed on even more. She never told me how much, and I was a really bad judge of weight, so I assumed she was 30-50 lbs. overweight.
> Between her body image issues, and my resentment towards her weight gain, we wouldn't have sex often. Her size made me lose a lot of desire for her. It wasn't just the weight, but the fact that she didn't care enough about herself or about my feelings. The judgmental people on this forum ignore the fact that a spouse has to look at someone that looks completely different than the person they married. It is different if it is a medical condition, but most weight gain is completely avoidable and reversible. I also started to masturbate several times per week to keep my drive in check, which also helped me not resent her quite as much, but that made me want to have sex with her less also.
> This finally caused me to have ED issues where I couldn't keep it up. Sometimes I couldn't get it up, and sometimes I couldn't keep it up. One night, when she wanted to have sex in the middle of the week (which never happens), I just couldn't get it up. She got very upset, and asked if it was her weight. I sort of lied, and said that her weight might have contributed, but it was probably just normal age related ED.
> This was my opportunity to start talking about her weight. I told her I loved her, and that I was very scared that her weight was unhealthy and would prevent us from doing all the things we talked about doing in our retirement years (like hiking the Grand Canyon). I told her that I needed her to be healthy for both of us, because if it was just for me, she would resent me. I offered to get her a personal trainer, and a dietician.
> So fast forward a couple of months. She got the personal trainer and has been working her ass off (literally). She fessed up that she was actually about 80 lbs above the weight she was when we got married (shocker!). She is on a sustainable diet with smaller portions and lower carbs. For my part, I stopped watching porn and masturbating. I offer her lots of encouragement and tell her she is doing great. She has probably lost around 5-10 lbs (she doesn't tell me). But you can start to see a difference.
> Now the problem. This is a long journey, with no guarantee that she will stick with it. I'm trying very hard to keep up my end, which increases my drive, but her drive has actually gone down. She is always tired or sore from the exercising routines. I'm not sure if she resents me or not, but she has no sexual thoughts most of the time. I make advances almost every day, but get shot down.
> She refused to see a MC or sex therapist before the weight loss program, so I doubt she will do it now. In fact, anything which makes her upset would most likely result in a negative impact on the weight loss. So this is a double edge sword. My drive is up, hers is down. She is losing weight, but that hasn't improved her drive. I'm trying to not be resentful that I'm not getting any and I've given up masturbating (for now). We have several other problems that really need a sex therapist, but she is completely against that. So for now, I guess I just sit back and see where life takes us. :scratchhead:


She does not want to have sex with you because it is hard for a woman to reconcile the fact that her husband finds her fat and unattractive and tells her so and then wants to have sex with her. To her, it may seem that you are only using her for your release.
You made it clear to her that she is so unattractive that you can not reliably achieve or maintain an erection. She has not lost that much weight that she could consider herself "hot" nor can she convince herself that you consider her "hot". So she may just be left with the feeling you want her for the mechanics of sex, not the intimacy. In addition, if you have performance difficulties, she will believe it is all her fault because she is so fat and unattractive. Pretty much a lose/lose situation for her at this point.


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## jaquen

Soifon said:


> but he also tells me that he finds it incredibly sexy to see me putting in the effort and working out. That makes me feel a lot better and actually motivates me to keep going.


What an incredibly good idea! That's a really excellent way to let a person know that you feel good about where they are, and where they're going.


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