# Blindsided and puzzled



## MarcoPolo (Jun 25, 2012)

Maybe I will get counseling but I would appreciate many perspectives. I hope I can get feed back soon because I can't sleep. 

I hope some here will take the time to read this even though it will be a long paragraph and it is serious as my wife ends up in the hospital (help!)

Me and my wife are both 45 and we live a sort of boring life with my wife tired all the time from taking care of chidlren (home daycare business) except that we go out dancing every few weeks and take a week in Mexico once a year. 

Well, we were just on vacation and one night something happened that is hard to wrap my mind around. 
This is no made up story and I really need help!

Around 6 pm we were in the pool drinking at the pool bar. My wife started to laugh a lot and be much more loud and social than usual. 
I usually have to push her to even have a drink. Well she was drunk and said she was having the best time of her life. The people we were laughing with left but then immediately we started talking to three very young people from Spain which is where my wife is from. They started doing shots which my wife usual refuses. I don't speak Spanish so I kept asking "what did they say? What was so funny?" etc. 
One of the girls whose husband was sleeping started fishing for compliments and my wife and others kept telling her she was beautiful blah blah. 
By now my wife is so drunk she is telling me to not let her drown!

Now it starts. Some one suggests "besos" and my wife gives this girl a little kiss and embrace. I wish i could explain how out of character this is. Anyway, since I was a little drunk too I teased her and said "you want her don't you?". I didn't expect the serious answer in excited slurred speech "yes, I want to blankety blank her". 
I don't remember it all but my wife was kinda making out with this girl on and off and maybe groping. They were wispering in each other's ears and I kept asking what was being said. At one point my wife said they had cocaine their room and laughing like a maniac added "I think she is trying to "f" me. My wife hates drugs and has never done cocaine but in this case she holds her glass up in the air spilling it into the pool and shouts "let's do this thing!" (I keep hearing this in my head now) and then shouts right into my ear that she is so going "do her" --but in more graphic words. 
She says to me she is going to be a very bad girl. Now I am sort of turned on but also feeling like I was just kicked in the stomach. I have never really had a truly mixed emotions like that and the feeling lingers even now.

To make a long story short the girl's husband shows up and isn't really into it and now the girl is pushing my wife away but she is so drunk she is trying to grope the girl's butt in right in front of the husband. 
I have to pull her out of the pool by force and she ended up slipping and hitting her head. At this point she can't stand up and is semiconscious. We had to take a 45 min taxi ride to the hospital to get stitches. 
Next day she remembers nothing (She stays in bed nauseous for more than a day!)
After I started to tell her what she did and said she wouldn't let me continue. She refused to believe it at first and still hasn't heard all the details.

She is pissed off that I am now convinced that she is attracted to girls and that she was really turned on. (She definitely was--I am leaving out a few more embarrassing details here and I know her facial expression when turned on). But, she says girls do nothing for her and she would never go to the room for a "cocaine orgy" in a million years. The only other thing I once noticed in the 20 years of marriage is that the one and only time we watched an adult movie together she didn't want me to skip over the artsy slow mo girl with girl scene and watched it with apparent interest--but later claimed it wasn't sexual but just "beautiful".

I don't know how to think about this. I always wished she was a little more of a bad girl type but there is something about her not remembering and claiming that she would never be turned on by a woman despite what I saw. 

A little more of a bad girl yes but not this bad and not a bad girl that doesn't remember or admit.

She wants to just say that the alcohol did it and that it wasn't really her. For me it can't be so simple.

Also, there is no chance in heck that she will talk more about it. She wants to just forget it and claims she will never drink again. This would be bad for our romantic nights out dancing because unless she has had at least one drink she acts about as stiff and boring as you could imagine. She is fun when at least tipsy.

Everything is messed up now. In a way it would be easier if she just owned up to the girl attraction thing but she isn't the type to talk about sexual thoughts. She gets mad if I try. In the past if I ask for her to share a fantasy she will seem annoyed or at best say her fantasy is to be with me (with no details at all). She also claims not to masturbate (FWIW).

Could she still be totally heterosexual dispite all this? I could live with bisexual thing or something like that especially if she would talk about it at least a little bit. I hate repression, denial and especially keeping feeling secret.

She rejects the idea that alcohol releases inhibitions about true desires and says that she knows because her dad is a drunk that drunk people just make up bull---thus there was nothing real in what happened.


Help me explore this. I have a restless analytical mind.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

No she doesn't sound gay. 
Sounds like she had too much booze, lost control and got wild! 
Sounds like a concussion too. Between that and the alcohol, I bet she'll always wonder what happened that night 

I wouldn't make too much of this. I'd use it to zing her once or twice. 

Keep her away from the tequila!


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## alley2408 (Jun 19, 2012)

I don't believe she is gay either...maybe just curious about being with a woman and a little embarrased to admit it? Or like Anchorwatch said too much booze and went wild... I wouldn't prod her about it though, just let her know what happened that night and move on.


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

Stop tripping on her sexuality and try a little harder to not let her drink that much.


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## MarcoPolo (Jun 25, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> No she doesn't sound gay.
> Sounds like she had too much booze, lost control and got wild! !


But what about the look of sexual excitement on her face and how she fought to get back into the pool to go "do it" with the girl?
I guess I don't know how that could come from someone 100% straight. Why wasn't she interested in me at the time? (I am attractive, in shape and nice so...WTF? It sounds silly but had just an hour earlier won the mechanical bull contest against 40 guys half my age---kinda thought she might focus on me---the man LOL)

....still sick from thinking about this and wishing she would own up to it and talk about it. I also really wish I could tell her all she said and did. I feel alone in reality.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Obviously the next time you have sex you should try out some crossdressing for her and see if she likes it.


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

Is there any possibility she was slipped something in her drink? It doesn't sound like she was drinking heavily before she got loud and such. Just a thought... would also explain the memory loss.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Marco, give it up. You can make a huge deal out of this and guarantee that she'll never ever ever show you any sexuality again, or you can let it go and try to tease that woman out again, this time focused on you.

Trust me -- you can kill this right now, but you won't like the result.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

What happened...happened. You can't change the past. If she really is somewhat interested in girls (Which I doubt) there is nothing you can do about that. You married her for better or worse. What happened in a drunken state, isn't enough, in my opinion, to start divorce procedings.


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## MarcoPolo (Jun 25, 2012)

ItMatters said:


> Is there any possibility she was slipped something in her drink? It doesn't sound like she was drinking heavily before she got loud and such. Just a thought... would also explain the memory loss.


No she *was* drinking a lot and I could see her getting slowly drunker over a period of about an 45 minutes to an hour (maybe five girly drinks) and that was before the shots with the Spaniards. After the first round of shots she started the kissing and then it got worse (still more heavy groping details I haven't mentioned)

Maybe this bugs me mostly for 4 partially inconsistant reasons

1) I wish she would talk about sexual stuff
2) I don't know if I should feel cheated on and what if she had suceeded in getting to the girls room?
3) I do want her to be a bad girl but I don't know where to draw the line and wish it didn't take alcohol.
4) I don't like being the only one who remembers events like this. She has suggested that I imagined it! That is infuriating!


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

lamaga said:


> Marco, give it up. You can make a huge deal out of this and guarantee that she'll never ever ever show you any sexuality again, or you can let it go and try to tease that woman out again, this time focused on you.
> 
> Trust me -- you can kill this right now, but you won't like the result.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

MarcoPolo said:


> But what about the look of sexual excitement on her face and how she fought to get back into the pool to go "do it" with the girl?
> I guess I don't know how that could come from someone 100% straight. Why wasn't she interested in me at the time? (I am attractive, in shape and nice so...WTF? It sounds silly but had just an hour earlier won the mechanical bull contest against 40 guys half my age---kinda thought she might focus on me---the man LOL)
> 
> ....still sick from thinking about this and wishing she would own up to it and talk about it. I also really wish I could tell her all she said and did. I feel alone in reality.


Look up; 
a) alcoholism, blackouts and loss of control, 
b) concussions and loss memory. 

She's never going to remember it. 
Let it go, before you ruin you relationship.
Like I said, keep away from the tequila.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

MarcoPolo said:


> No she *was* drinking a lot and I could see her getting slowly drunker over a period of about an 45 minutes to an hour (maybe five girly drinks) and that was before the shots with the Spaniards. After the first round of shots she started the kissing and then it got worse (still more heavy groping details I haven't mentioned)
> 
> Maybe this bugs me mostly for 4 partially inconsistant reasons
> 
> ...


Maybe it bugs her that you watched her, from your perspective, self destruct for 45 minutes and didn't step in and save her from embarrassment and your wrath.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Just to echo (and agree with) Acorn, maybe she wanted to show you her sexual side. Maybe you are not accessing it, or recognizing it. Who knows?

I'll repeat, this is an opportunity for you. You can choose to shame her, in which case you'll never have good sex again, or you can choose to find that woman again, in which case you may have mindblowing sex. And if I'm wrong, what's the harm? You'll find out soon enough.

DON'T SHAME HER.


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## MarcoPolo (Jun 25, 2012)

Acorn said:


> Maybe it bugs her that you watched her, from your perspective, self destruct for 45 minutes and didn't step in and save her from embarrassment and your wrath.


yes she said as much herself. I owned up to it. In my defense, let me say that at least I put a stop to it and there was never a possibity of a cocaine orgy on my watch that's for sure. 

It is just so natural for me to suppose that the alcohol let out her true self (inhibitions go away)

For example, consider that no amount of alcohol or drugs could make me get aroused by the prospect of getting it on with another dude (not that there is anything wrong with that as Seinfeld famously said LOL). The idea of gay in a bottle doen't make sense to me.

Keep in mind folks, I don't mind if she is a little attracted to women as long as she mostly wants me and ......(and this is important) .....as long as she doesn't flatly deny it or repress it.

There is also a little bit of "what the hell else has she forgotten" going on in me.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, then you're not going to pay any attention to what we have said, so go ahead, do your big Macho Stomp and see how that works out for you.

We'll see you back here in about six months when she leaves you.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

This is probably the time where I should censor myself before hitting 'post', but if this ever happens again, I think the options are to either a) stop it when you start to get uncomfortable and save yourselves the embarrassment, or b) get some popcorn and enjoy the show. 

It stuns me you are reading so much into this. You say you are interested in her bad girl side, but my goodness does it bend you out of shape!


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

It actually sounds like a good time. You encouraged it with "you want her don't you"

My wife has only been that drunk a couple of times but it was OK because she trusted me enough that I would take care of her. I certainly wouldn't punish her by trying to make her remember something that would embarrass her.

The reason she can't remember is that excessive alcohol consumption interferes with the conversion of short term memories to long term memory. She can't remember because the memory doesn't exist.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Just to echo (and agree with) Acorn, maybe she wanted to show you her sexual side. Maybe you are not accessing it, or recognizing it. Who knows?
> 
> I'll repeat, this is an opportunity for you. You can choose to shame her, in which case you'll never have good sex again, or you can choose to find that woman again, in which case you may have mindblowing sex. And if I'm wrong, what's the harm? You'll find out soon enough.
> 
> DON'T SHAME HER.


Totally agree. The only thing that would worry me is the coke (u say she never messes with drugs), & the possibility that the other girl might have been picking up a woman to bring back to share with her husband. Drunken, coke fueled sex parties with bi-women are freaking awesome ONLY if you are there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarcoPolo (Jun 25, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Well, then you're not going to pay any attention to what we have said, so go ahead, do your big Macho Stomp and see how that works out for you.
> 
> We'll see you back here in about six months when she leaves you.


Dude, wtf? You suddenly sound like an arrogant college kid. 
I probably AM going to take the advice (not totally uniform by the way). The fact that I am still talking about it right now isn't the same thing as what I am going to do or say with her later.

So what if I want to go on about it a bit and talk it out even redundantly? Your nuts if you think the emotional thing is going to switch off in one minute just by reading your advice and implimenting it in some inner program like Spock. You also only have a snapshot of this--not much context---you shouldn't be so absolutely sure of yourself.
Your sudden lack of empathy diminishes the shine your advice had a few minutes ago.


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## MarcoPolo (Jun 25, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> Here goes...
> 
> When I was younger and more sexually flamboyant I would mess around with other females because it was turning my current BF on. I have never been attracted to women and it was done solely to get attention from males. There is a real possibility that these things wouldn't have happened if you hadn't egged her on with comments like, "you want her!?"...
> 
> ...


Interesting. Thanks.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Hee! Marco, I'm not an arrogant college kid, I'm a 53 year old woman.

You can still take or leave my advice, your choice.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Hee! Marco, I'm not an arrogant college kid, I'm a 53 year old woman.
> 
> You can still take or leave my advice, your choice.


DUDE!!! :rofl:


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## MarcoPolo (Jun 25, 2012)

Paulination said:


> It actually sounds like a good time. You encouraged it with "you want her don't you"


During the events she was saying that she was having the best time of her life.

It was fun up until the fall. 

I think the Spanish girl just won fair and square. She was probably saying seductive flattering things in Spanish. I should have been doing the same in English and doing a better job of it. 

My wife's inner bad girl came out and I mismanaged my opportunity and lost the seduction competition to a charming and admittedly beautful girl from my wife's homeland. 


I should have diverted her attention with some sexual flattery at the right moment but I just blew it.

agree?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I agree with Lamaga. You've got a real opportunity here to step up your sex life, but you're starting down the path where instead of opening her up with encouragement and support you're going to shut her down by being judgmental. I wish we could have a sign or something every time we were discouraging or shutting down our wive's sexuality. Then perhaps we wouldn't have so many long term marriages where people complain of their wives being boring or prudish.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

First of all, this wasn't a game. The spanish girl didn't "win" anything. That mentality you have on it shows where you are coming from. You arentm mad at her, you're mad at yourself for egging her on. You're reading waaayyyy too much into this. Lots of women are staight as can be, but introduce a vacation, exotic women, and booze to a woman who normally doesn't drink, and you got what would normally happen. Its no big deal. And the fact that you're harping on it is only making it worse. You are inviting a sexual resentment on her part and it will be very justified for her to have it.

And please stop asking if you should consider it cheating... you encouraged the behaivor and it it happened all in front of you. Come on man. Don't ruin this by being overbearing and smothering. She's already made it clear she doesn't remember and doesn't want to talk about it (probably because she now feels embarassed by you). So stop. Otherwise next time she gets drunk, shell either clam up and be a prude socially and in bed, or shell want to act out again; except this time shell remember how you handled it last time and not involve you and lie. Do you really want that?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you came on here for a reason. We don't want you screwing this up. And we don't mean screwing up a chance at a threesome, we mean screw up your marriage by preventing your wife from opening up sexually to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarcoPolo (Jun 25, 2012)

OK, I think I am already through step 1 of getting past this.

The only problem that remains is that I already did let her feel shame (which came out of her spontaneously when i recounted events as far as she would let me).

How can I minimize the damage? I would like to see the bad girl again but I am afraid I won't be able to get her to even have her usual drinks and so on. Note that we have had 20 years of responsible drinking with no incident worse than a hangover. We don't even have liquour in the house. 
But I don't think she is young enough to learn the trick of letting loose without any drink at all and I have no plans on cheering on her reactionary teetotalism.

I am left with these questions/tasks:

How to recover our usual tied and true moderate drinking routine?

How can I mitigate the shame thing without being too obvious?

I am tempted to let her read the comments here so she can see how no one thinks she is bad.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, the problem is that YOU think she is bad. Reading the comments here won't help that.


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## MarcoPolo (Jun 25, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Well, the problem is that YOU think she is bad. Reading the comments here won't help that.


Umm, no I don't and never did.
I would just not be comfortable with her being gay and either not knowing it or hiding it from me. I want to understand the truth and want her to have insight as well. 

I don't think in terms of bad or good. She does!
She is far more prone to think in those terms than me and she was ashamed before I had even finished recounting the bare facts.

I think in terms of honest or dishonest, open or closed, responsible or irresponsible, fun or boring, dangerous or safe and so on.

Maybe you should stop reading what I say thru those men-are-bad glasses. Somehow, I feel that if the story were the same but the genders switched (say Cindy comes on here and tells of drunken Marco sexing it up in the pool with another guy) you would still be trashing Marco (the big bad man).

Oh and reading the comments here already did help--especially your first one-- so you are wrong about that too. Your first comment was useful. After that, well.....


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Marco, with respect, I too am getting the vibe that you think your wife was "wrong" for doing what she did, and now according to you, lamaga is "wrong" and her advice is bad...

You come across as an openly judgmental person. Maybe this is why your wife is desperate to drop the topic. It might not be the content of the story, but rather the judgments that come along with it, that she is trying to avoid.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

You need to explain how much you understand that you over reacted. And then drop it. It'll either happen again or it won't.... On its own....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

Why are you so hung up on if she's gay or not. Life isn't black and white. Just because she got drunk and horny and flirted with a chick doesn't mean she's gay man... it means she was opening up and having funand you squashed that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

is it just me or does anyone else think there would be a whole different spin on this thread if the girl the OP's wife wanted to do was a guy instead?


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

You said that this was REALLY out of character for her. As far as her remembering or not I don't know, but if she does I bet she is mad at you for letting it happen. You were egging her on and then you say you don't know if you should feel cheated on or not. I bet if it were another man you would have never let it happen.

For me that would also be REALLY out of character and I know for a fact I would be p!ssed at my husband if he let me do something that he knows I would feel so awful about.


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## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

most chicks have some part of them that digs other chicks. or there is some chick some day who will turn a completely hetero girl's head. 

sounds like she got drunk and let herself dig this chick. whoops big deal. 

well the big deal is: she's misbehaving as married person whether the person she is falling all over is a GUY or a GAL. how would you have felt if she was falling all over a GUY? I bet you would have put the kabash on it real quick. 

that would have been just as appropriate in this situation.


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## TheFamilyStone (Jun 26, 2012)

It sounds to me like something was slipped into her drink. Alcohol does lower your inhibitions and if you add a drug to that... you have a completely different person on your hands. It sounds like she has a slight interest in women but I wouldn't press her about it. If you are okay with her curiosity then tell her you are okay with it. Don't tease her or continuously bring it up. This will cause her to "recoil away from you." Just lovingly let her know that if she has a curiosity about other women than that's okay. Everyone has fantasies


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## MarcoPolo (Jun 25, 2012)

Mrs.K said:


> You were egging her on


Was I? 
I think all I said was that I teased her and said "you want her don't you?". This is typical sarcasm for me and the usual response would have been that "oh grow up" look. You see I figured this kiss was just a European thing at that point. 
Once I thought I saw the sexuality in it, I don't think I did egg her on.

So exactly were did I actually egg her on to have gropey dopey pool sex with a chick half her age?

My tittilation was only sporadic, kept to myself, and dwarfed by the dominant emotion of amazement and drunken puzzlement about figuring out how forceful I should be in stopping it given she was articulate in describing her desires and intentions. She had her usual "don't try to control me" look on her face when I showed a concerned expression.

(Remember that in the end I was so forceful and her so resistent that she cracked her head open)

Even though the core advice I got here (don't shame her) was just right and has already helped, I think a little closer reading of what I actually did and did not say would be in order for some folks.

Not shaming her is good advice. So then why try and shame me by exaggerating my culpability? 

Also, I am assuming that no one thinks I get a free pass because I was also smashed--do they? It works both ways.


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## TheFamilyStone (Jun 26, 2012)

Well Marco, I don't believe you egged her on at all. The only real "fault" I see is that you let it go too far and it got out of hand. Oh well lesson learned. If this happens again then you won't let it escalate at all. She is a grown woman but I don't believe you would allow her to put herself in harms way (cocaine/orgy). You are a man and your initial reaction was normal. Then when reality clicked you did just what you should have just a little later than you probably should have. Don't beat your self up. Stuff happens


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

1: ****ing learn SPANISH!!! It's your wife's language, know it!
2: Most people have some fantasies that a fun to think about, but would NEVER come close to doing. Someone needs to feel really comfortable and safe in order to share those thoughts, let alone act on them.
3: You're her husband, you shouldn't feel you need to get your wife tipsy in order for her to feel comfortable around you in that way. You shouldn't be encouraging her to drink at all.


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