# I want to live alone. Am I an idiot?



## joeypiccard (Mar 6, 2021)

When you're unhappy but with a good person, should you leave?

After 10 years together (Engaged but not married), I feel friendship and attachment. I don't feel the flame or butterflies anymore. We let it die long ago. The sad truth is that I don't even feel like trying. I feel like I'm somewhere else now...
Can't stand to see her on the couch watching tv or on her computer instead of spending time with the kids. Can't stand following her with a broom because she's messy. I need to do important repairs on the house but I can't because she won't clean her clutter everywhere in the house. She always say that she'll do it soon but this is the problem : soon never comes. 

I feel exhausted. I have my mancave where I feel like I spend most of my time instead of spending time with her. She cooks, do the laundry but she's messy...

We have 3 kids. I gotta say I would find it hard to not have them every day (they would be in shared custody). I would like to stay in good terms with her because we spend the last 10 years together. We don't fight alot but we spend most of our time separatly in the house. When I'm with her, I feel like I'm suffocating. "Do you love me? You don't love me anymore, is that it? Soooo, do you love me or not?" I can't tell, sometimes I think I do, sometimes, I think I don't. I tell her I need fresh air, that maybe I'm depressed. But I'm not. I know how I feel and why I feel that way.

I tried for so long. We used to make love once every 3 months. She always had a reason. I've been faithful for all my life. My hands took care of my little friend down there.

Last year, something weird happened. She was always namedropping her new colleague. Lets name him Shawn. "Shawn did this. Shawn did that. Today Shawn..." I'm not a jealous person but it started to tickle me. I investigated her phone and found out that she deleted the chats with him. I was pissed off so I asked for explanations. "Oh, its a colleague, a friend, nothing harmful". She started to take her phone everywhere she goes. Notifications would not turn the screen on nor appear on the lock screen. 

One day, she forgot to lock it. I saw an incoming text from a number not in her contact list. No history, only this message, calling her "pretty". Who the F is that guy??? My heart starts beating faster. I take note of this number and I call him in the night, blocking my called ID. Got directly in his voicemail. Boom. Hey, here's Shawn. Leave me a message.

I was angry to say the least. But kept it cool. Hey honey, do you text with Shawn or you just talk on messenger? "We don't text, I don't have his number". I said nothing.

The following week, she installed Snapchat. I lost track of everything. Following weeks have been hard. Living in doubts. Or maybe put my head in the sand. "Maybe it wasn't an EA? Maybe I was not being gaslighted?" 

Dust settles down. Then one day, she comes back from work and tells me she needs time for herself and that she is looking for an apartment! I was in shock. She said our relationship stalled and she needed to have her own space to think about everything. Finally, after a few days, I accepted her decision, because deep inside, it was what I wanted. 

BUT! After a week, surprise! She says she doesn't want to leave anymore and that she wants me to forget about the fact that she wanted to leave. What?

As of today, she acts like she never had this conversation with me and every time I bring it up, she tells me that she don't wanna hear it anymore and that she doesn't want to talk about it. "I changed my mind and I don't want to leave so let's not talk about this anymore". She acts like she's in love with me. To this day, I have no idea if she still talks to this guy. And you know what? I feel like I don't care. It's like I have no opinion on this anymore.

I got used to the idea that we were going separate ways and I was in peace with it. 

But...

1- I can't get over the fact that she might had a EA with that guy
2- Every day, I want to be alone. I have dreams, I have projects. Each of them I'm perfectly fine doing it by myself, alone. 
3- I want to spend quality time with my kids when I'm with them. Even if its every other weeks (50/50 custody). 
4- I don't want hookups (ok, maybe I want to try) but I don't want to be in a relationship anymore. Not for now.

Am I an asshole for wanting that? Should I tolerate this behavior? Does wanting to be alone make me a selfish person only because I want to ?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

You are her plan B, man. I'm sorry for everything you're going through, but "Shawn" was her plan A. Something might/must have happened between the two of them where it's not a viable option for her anymore, so of course she's coming running back to you, loving up on you. You're her clear plan B. 

Don't be her plan B.

Don't forget she wanted to move out and have time to herself. 

Give her exactly what she said she wanted. Show her the door.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

joeypiccard said:


> I don't want to be in a relationship anymore.





joeypiccard said:


> Does wanting to be alone make me a selfish person only because I want to ?


Then end it. Whatever a bunch of strangers think out here in cyberspace is irrelevant. If you want to leave, do it. Whether I think you are selfish or not shouldn't figure into the equation of your life. Sure, I can offer my feedback and opinions, but in the end, it's all up to you as to what you want to do

You've answered your own question. You have fallen out of love with her. She has fallen out of love with you. Sounds like neither of you are attached as a couple any longer. Time to pull the plug on this one.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So. you KNOW the reality here -- SHE did AT THE LEAST have an EA with this "Shawn" character. Either HE broke it off or you fiancee realized he was playing her.

YOU KNOW this. SHE wanted to rug-sweep and NOT talk about it -- and it seems like you let her do that, but this is eating at you. You KNOW what your gut told you about this.
There is nothing wrong with you if YOU cannot accept this.
You can do what ever YOU want. This is YOUR life, not hers, to control.

What if you said " I know you were doing SOMETHING with Shawn and I need you to take a polygraph" and SCHEDULE that. What would HER reaction be?
Realize if you go down this path YOU need to make sure you will follow through -- do the poly, and if she fails YOU will give HER the consequences.
Really sorry you are in this.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Your relationship is toast.

End it and move on.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Who cares if she had an EA?

You don't love her, you don't like her, you have open contempt for her. Why would you care if she talks to someone else? 

It's tough to tell what's going between you two without more details but I suspect there's a lot more to this story.

It doesn't matter though because you can't stand her.

Do both of you a favor and end things.


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## joeypiccard (Mar 6, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> It's tough to tell what's going between you two without more details but I suspect there's a lot more to this story.


Actually, it's pretty much it. Been together for 10 years. Dead bedroom after one year of living together. Then we had our first child. Second one. Third one. Bedrooms still dead. She started spending much time on her phone and computer. Started hiding things. Found out. She suddenly wanted to leave. Then suddenly she wanted to stay. She apologized, crying, and told me she won't lie and erase messages and she won't talk to him again. She deleted him from facebook and other social networks. Now she's trying to make it up for it by engaging in sex more frequently and talking about future plans. 



lifeistooshort said:


> You don't love her, you don't like her, you have open contempt for her.


That's not true. I don't have contempt for her. There is still a part of me that like her. We've been together for 10 years and right now I feel ashamed that I have to ask about other people opinions on facebook. I'm pretty much feeling despair and sadness right now. We had a big fight because I told her sometimes I feel like I would enjoy having my own place. She said she don't want to hear about it ever again. Told her "Well, you were the one who wanted to leave, remember??" And she started yelling cursing and screaming and I pretty much feel terrible right now.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

For whatever reason she changed her mind and decided to stay. You’ll have to decide what you want to do with that.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I dunno....Sounds like you are one of those people that throws something in the trash, and then gets pissed off if someone stops at the curb to take it and want to use it....My dad was like that...

Anyway, I agree with some of the others...I think the two of you are done...My guess is she felt guilty about the kids, so she bailed on her idea to leave...But then she is going to be unhappy...So she is torn...

You need to be concerned about the kids as well.. I dunno...It may be a long way off but maybe the two of you can just co habitate peacefully until the kids get older and somewhat self sufficient, then plan an exit..The time goes by faster than you think it would...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

joeypiccard said:


> I'm pretty much feeling despair and sadness right now. We had a big fight because I told her sometimes I feel like I would enjoy having my own place. She said she don't want to hear about it ever again. Told her "Well, you were the one who wanted to leave, remember??" And she started yelling cursing and screaming and I pretty much feel terrible right now.


So you DO realize that YOU can say the same to HER -- that you need space for yourself and are going to move out. You ARE allowed to do that, just like she was, ya know?
You can even use HER same words together. The difference is SHE wanted to get away to get TO someone else that fell apart. YOU just want to get away.
You can say that SHE is the one who cheated, and YOU need your time to figure out what you want to do. I would be VERY careful about just leaving if you have kids -- consult a lawyer before doing that so that you can't be accused of abandoning the home.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I've gotta ask. Why did you have three children with a woman you had a dead bedroom with? You said the dead bedroom preceded even the first one!!

I really really don't understand that.


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## joeypiccard (Mar 6, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I've gotta ask. Why did you have three children with a woman you had a dead bedroom with? You said the dead bedroom preceded even the first one!!


I honestly don't have an answer. It was my first serious relationship and we had fun together. I didn't mind having sex once a week, then once a month, then once every two months... I thought... It was better than no sex at all.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

joeypiccard said:


> 1- I can't get over the fact that she might had a EA with that guy


Nope. Sorry man but.....

She was moving out to spend more time and focus on him with you out of the way. Hence separation.

Every betrayed person comes on here and talks EA because they want to be in denial and can’t or dont want to accept it was a sexual affair because Then they might have to make a decision.

*Let her go. *She only has sex with you once a quarter. I’ll bet she was giving him a lot more than that.

Her new boyfriend/lover got what he wanted and decided to dump her. That’s the only reason she didn’t leave.

IMO only a doormat would stay in this situation.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

joeypiccard said:


> Actually, it's pretty much it. Been together for 10 years. Dead bedroom after one year of living together. Then we had our first child. Second one. Third one. Bedrooms still dead. She started spending much time on her phone and computer. Started hiding things. Found out. She suddenly wanted to leave. Then suddenly she wanted to stay. She apologized, crying, and told me she won't lie and erase messages and she won't talk to him again. She deleted him from facebook and other social networks. Now she's trying to make it up for it by engaging in sex more frequently and talking about future plans.
> 
> *He dumped her and she wants a soft place to land. It’s all fake ******** to pull the wool over your eyes*
> 
> ...


She’s been screwing another guy and you feel bad for making her mad? Wait, what?

Save yourself and get out now. I‘d get checked for STD’s. You don’t know where her boyfriend has been.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

joeypiccard said:


> When you're unhappy but with a good person, should you leave?
> 
> After 10 years together (Engaged but not married), I feel friendship and attachment. I don't feel the flame or butterflies anymore. We let it die long ago. The sad truth is that I don't even feel like trying. I feel like I'm somewhere else now...
> Can't stand to see her on the couch watching tv or on her computer instead of spending time with the kids. Can't stand following her with a broom because she's messy. I need to do important repairs on the house but I can't because she won't clean her clutter everywhere in the house. She always say that she'll do it soon but this is the problem : soon never comes.
> ...


Dude your so passive no wonder you are miserable. I mean somethings wrong, you ask if you are an asshole for ... wanting to leave? I trying to figure why you are tying to stay? I mean WTF?

Your wife had and affair (and you shouldn't assume it wasn't a PA) doesn't have sex with you and you still stick around? Have you even confronted her about what you know. Quit falling for he sob routine.

I mean why?

Not sure the scenario for you question but I wouldn't call you an idiot for moving on, at least. 

It it was me I would be like -

I know you had an affair with Shawn.
I don't even care anymore, you killed it in me.
I'm done.
"I know we were married but I changed my mind and let's not talk about this anymore".

But then I am kind of a ****, not passive though.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Openminded said:


> For whatever reason she changed her mind and decided to stay. You’ll have to decide what you want to do with that.


I would bet money the reason is her boyfriend at work was willing to have some fun with her, not play husband and stepfather to 3 kids. As soon as she was talking about moving out it was - Danger, Danger....

"You sweet, but I don't want to break up a family. You really should talk to your husband.. Blah, blah, excuse me. (walks away chasing some other married chick) Oh Karen, hi you look so nice today."


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Shawn was just after the easy piece. When he saw the easy piece was after something more it was time to shut it down. Poor little easy piece.
You'll take care of her now, won't you?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Setting aside the possible affair, this feeling is not uncommon, and you were feeling it before any knowledge of the affair, if I am reading the OP correctly.

Some couples have moved to separate bedrooms and that actually helped their marriage/relationship. And there are married couples out there who are still in love with each other that maintain separate households.

Now I'm not suggesting that in establishing your own separate home, that your marriage will improve. It may or may not. But you are not an idiot or wrong in wanting that. 

You have a household standard you want to maintain. So either you clean up her clutter, resigned that it will be, or you start your own home. And if you choose the former and she complains, simply tell her you gave her sufficient time to handle it and this is the consequence of not doing so. I have had to use that on my one wife many times. 

You seem to still love her, even if you are not in love with her. I have often noted that love is not sufficient by itself to make a marriage work. So yes, feel free to set up so that you are still helping, especially with the kids. And I do highly recommend the lawyer advice if you plan to start your own home.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Passive, conflict avoidant. Here to vent, talk about it only.

A talker not a doer.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Passive, conflict avoidant. Here to vent, talk about it only.
> 
> A talker not a doer.


There's a forum called DWIL (dealing with in laws) and it has a VERY STRICT no vent, problem solving only policy. Mods and members are free to call out and shut down venters only. It's pretty cool.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Passive, conflict avoidant. Here to vent, talk about it only.
> 
> A talker not a doer.


Like we always say. passive men get cheated on.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Even non-passive guys get cheated on -- they just don't put up with it when they find out..


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## joeypiccard (Mar 6, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Passive, conflict avoidant. Here to vent, talk about it only.
> 
> A talker not a doer.


Absolutely not. I am looking for advice because I wondered if her behaviour was acceptable. When kids are involved, it adds a layer of complexity.

Either way, it confirms that I don't think I can stay healthy in this relationship.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

joeypiccard said:


> Absolutely not. I am looking for advice because I wondered if her behaviour was acceptable. When kids are involved, it adds a layer of complexity.
> 
> Either way, it confirms that I don't think I can stay healthy in this relationship.


It's concerning that you didn't know on your own that her behavior isn't acceptable.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

joeypiccard said:


> I am looking for advice because I wondered if her behaviour was acceptable.


Oh, please. She isn't interested in a sexual relationship with you. She informed you she wanted to move out. Then - poof! - she changes her mind. When you try to discuss the situation with her she blows up and starts cussing and carrying on.

What part of this do you even remotely wonder is acceptable? And like @Livvie said, why wouldn't you be able to determine that her behavior isn't acceptable? 

You may pull the plug on this relationship, but I'm not placing any bets on that happening.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

joeypiccard said:


> Absolutely not. I am looking for advice because I wondered if her behaviour was acceptable. When kids are involved, it adds a layer of complexity.
> 
> Either way, it confirms that I don't think I can stay healthy in this relationship.


I would go get come counseling to figure out why you think why this is acceptable? It's not, and it's not even a question to most people. Seems like misplaced guilt on your part.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

joeypiccard said:


> Can't stand to see her on the couch watching tv or on her computer instead of spending time with the kids. Can't stand following her with a broom because she's messy. I need to do important repairs on the house but I can't because she won't clean her clutter everywhere in the house. She always say that she'll do it soon but this is the problem : soon never comes.





lifeistooshort said:


> ...you have open contempt for her....





joeypiccard said:


> That's not true. I don't have contempt for her. There is still a part of me that like her.


THAT is part of your problem. You DO have contempt but you don't understand how to express it. This is actually a common problem with couples and these issues tend to play out in the bedroom as in a dead bedroom. Because you have contempt for her, but don't know how to express that in a caring way. 

As we grow up we are taught about how we should love our families unconditionally. We are not taught that it is OK to feel hate and anger towards families and deal with it in a constructive way that promotes self development. Instead we tend to grow up being tolerant and conflict avoidant. Which at the end of the day tends to build passive aggressive behaviors and makes the problems worse. 

If you want to stay with your partner you need to deal with the things that make you upset. She may not change but you may begin to understand each other better and learn to be better friends. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

joeypiccard said:


> I don't have contempt for her.


Really? Why on earth not?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Openminded said:


> For whatever reason she changed her mind and decided to stay. You’ll have to decide what you want to do with that.


She didn’t really change her mind intentionally. She was in her way out but ‘Shawn’ told her he wouldn’t take her full time so she is basically using the OP as her fall-back guy until she can find another one.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The opposite of live is not hate or contempt or even resentment as those are all also very strong emotions.

The opposite of love is apathy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

joeypiccard said:


> Absolutely not. I am looking for advice because I wondered if her behaviour was acceptable. When kids are involved, it adds a layer of complexity.
> 
> Either way, it confirms that I don't think I can stay healthy in this relationship.


It wasn’t healthy when you went weeks knowing she was developing a relationship with another man and you did nothing. 

You are only here asking because she wants back. 

You were fine with her leaving to be with another man. 

That is the state of your marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

( Side bar: this is a good example of why oftentimes the quickest way to break up an affair is to let the OM have the WW.

Dudes that hook up with married women don’t want to clean the wife’s catbox or change their flats or unclog their toilets or raise their kids.

They want to have sex with them let their BH’s do all that other stuff. 

They usually exit stage left as soon as the WW shows up on their doorstep with kids and the cat in tow.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So here is my take:

You both stopped having sex and any romance. 
You don’t like that she’s messy. You don’t like living with her.
You weren’t until giving her any emotional reinforcement when she asked if you loved her and she asked what was wrong.
You knowingly let her romance another man, got his number, called him, and didn’t so much as tell him to leave your wife alone, and was going to let her go off with him.

Damn dude. Just tell her it’s over and you want a divorce. You’re roommates. You can get rid of a roommate.

However, I’ll say that if your mindset continues, you’d better enjoy living alone. Because you were guilty of some marriage damaging behavior.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’ll give the WW a little tidbit of credit here - at least tried. She missed,,, but at least she took the shot.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

joeypiccard said:


> When you're unhappy but with a good person, should you leave?
> 
> After 10 years together (Engaged but not married), I feel friendship and attachment. I don't feel the flame or butterflies anymore. We let it die long ago. The sad truth is that I don't even feel like trying. I feel like I'm somewhere else now...
> Can't stand to see her on the couch watching tv or on her computer instead of spending time with the kids. Can't stand following her with a broom because she's messy. I need to do important repairs on the house but I can't because she won't clean her clutter everywhere in the house. She always say that she'll do it soon but this is the problem : soon never comes.
> ...


I think everything you said sounds reasonable. You might even find that you're even more involved with your children once you have them three and a half days a week all to yourself. at any rate it will be a change but it should be one they can get used to.

It sounds like she's having a flirtation with this guy at least. Honestly her turnabout after saying she was going to move out could have just been financial and her realizing she can't even begin to afford it, but it's also possible she expected this guy to just take her on and when she talked to him letting him know she was leaving he may have totally discouraged her from it. Otherwise I don't see how she could be so sure she wants to stay now. So this may never have been anything sexual but it could be she was thinking that it was leading up to a relationship and she could have just been wrong and he was just having a workplace flirtation or whatever it is. I mean I could tell you I've had a million workplace flirtations that did not end in sleeping together but we're more like passing the time and kind of a safe way to flirt when you both knew you probably weren't going to do anything about it..

it seems to me this is as good a time as any for you to make this transition out of this relationship. At this point she is the mother of your children and a roommate. I mean I certainly realize that you can't keep the flame burning forever but it does sound like it's pretty snuffed out. 

You might just tell her that you felt unexpectedly relieved when she told you she was getting her own apartment and that now there's no turning back for you. Try to stay civil and I would kind of set aside all these suspicions you have since whatever that was he apparently was not ready to follow through on it. So it may have been mostly in her head.


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## joeypiccard (Mar 6, 2021)

Hey, thank you for your replies. I know, many people here think I'm a passive rag that only complains and won't act but I'm not. I'm a thinker. I evaluate everything before making a move. And the well being of my kids is my primary concern, along with my mental health.

So yesterday, she told me I was distant and kept asking "do you love me? do you love me? You must think I am annoying eh? Do I annoy you? Do you love me? Pfff you don't love me. You hurt my feelings!" I was getting pretty annoyed by her behavior I told her to stop.

Told her I want to be alone. She said you only think about yourself: me myself and I. I say maybe, and that's why I feel like I want to be alone. To focus on MYSELF. Told her I was actually relieved when she told me that she was getting out. She said she doesn't feel that way anymore, its was past, blah blah blah. Told her I can't forget she 100% wanted that a few months ago. Sweeping **** under the rug doesn't work for me. Told her some days I feel like staying and other I feel like getting out. But lately I've been feeling like I need my own space and my own time. I did not talk about the OM because I have no proof that it went physical. Even if it was only a budding EA, either way its unacceptable. Anyways I've been feeling that way before that whole mess with him happened. This guy is married and another kid is on the way. I did try to contact his wife but she never saw my messages.

She yelled, crying "You want to be alone? I'll give you what you want! As of right now its over! We are not in a relationship anymore. You wanted to get rid of me? You won, I will find my own appartment and leave so I won't have to see your f*cking face anymore. You ruined everything. I wanted to get married with you, take that ring and shove it up your ass.

Now she's stonewalling me. 

It makes me sad, because I have respect for her, I wanted to have a healthy, friendly relationship with her as separated parents but I guess she resents me because she wanted more. 

Well, I think I need to stop going after her. A few years ago, after big fights, I used to apologise because I made her feel sad. Her behavior made me feel guilt for things I didn't even do. 

I'm not a submissive/passive rag. Maybe I was in the past, not anymore


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I think that since she had this reaction, that YOU can certainly now question her EA/PA with this guy.
Tell her that you know the reason she wanted to leave -- you are just not sure WHY she decided to stay (since she wouldn't talk to you about it). Ask if the OM dumped her, so she decided to stay with you? You both never talked in any depth (that I saw in your posts) about WHY she wanted to leave suddenly and then why she wanted to STAY suddenly. Without that discussion, your relationship was ALWAYS going to have issues.


joeypiccard said:


> You wanted to get rid of me?


This is a riot that she said this -- you should have just told her that YOU wanted to get rid of ME just a short time ago, so don't turn this sh*t around on me.
You WILL still have to find a way to co-parent so...

Also,just one comment from your original post -- you sound like you may be a bit depressed also -- maybe see your Dr about that?


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## joeypiccard (Mar 6, 2021)

Thanks for your reply jlg07.



jlg07 said:


> you sound like you may be a bit depressed also -- maybe see your Dr about that?


Hehe I'm fine. Every other aspect of my life is doing good actually. It feels like the only thing that is holding me down is her. I have lots of projects that I want to achieve and I feel anxious when she's around, even if she's a good mood. When I'm alone or alone with the kids, I feel totally good. My business is doing better than ever. It's just... I feel trapped here with her around. To hear her complain about her job, her family. It's taking a toll on me. Lately she has been in a better mood than before but I don't know if that is sincere.

But I sure need to focus on myself. She wants me to lose weight and always call me names like fatty or big. "Why don't you lose weight? Do it for me!" 

Just because she said that, I don't even feel like working out. If I want to work out, it will be for ME and ONLY ME.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

GLAD to hear it's not a general depression -- just the "weight" of the relationship.
As for working out you SHOULD be doing JUST for you. 
If you are going to separate, now is the time for you and your kids. Work out, eat right, spend time with them doing fun bonding things. Prepare yourself for a single life if that is the direction you want to take.

BEFORE taking those steps though, have you both considered Marriage Counseling? At least if you try that and it still doesn't work out, you can truly say that both both tried to do everything you could before divorcing.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I have zero clue why you are so against calling out your wife in her obvious affair. You say you don’t have proof it went physical. So? This isn’t court. It’s a marriage. You know her feelings were going elsewhere with lots of texts that she covered up and lied about. You want a divorce. So divorce. Don’t let her claim the high road.
She was wanting to move out and suddenly changed her mind? Well it wasn’t because if her strong feelings for YOU.

It’s ok to end it if you’re that unhappy and if your mind isn’t in another woman, I definitely would. Especially with how she’s acted and how she cheated. Don’t make this distinction in your mind between physical and emotional. It’s all the same. Emotional is what leads to the physical.

The most likely reason she stopped the move is she got dumped. Or she is happy to be provided for by you while she remains some dudes side piece.


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## joeypiccard (Mar 6, 2021)

Hi there. Just wanted to chime in.

I still live in the same house but we're separated. I'm leaving. Looking for a new house to buy as soon as I find the right one.

Been sleeping on the couch for the last 2 months. Or in a tent in my backyard. 

She can't tolerate me anymore. Anything I say, she sees it as an attack and she gets defensive and aggressive. She's still hoarding but less. She told me "i can't tolerate you anymore, I don't feel good when you're around, you need to leave. My friends told me you are toxic and you need to leave." 

She works one weekend out of two. She spends her free weekends at this guys house instead of taking care of the kids. She won't admit it, but I still have her facebook password. They text everyday, "be careful <3, i love you, i love you to, blah blah blah" 

Told her I know about him. She denies everything. She lies to my face constantly.

We still live under the same roof, yet she is starting a relationship with some guy living 2 hours away from our home. All these years together and she found a replacement that early.

What in the actual ****? The last thing I want is to get in another relationship. I want to work on myself and spend time alone with my kids, my parents, my brothers, my friends and myself. Why would someone get a rebound so quick?


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## joeypiccard (Mar 6, 2021)

Anyways, thanks for your advice. I'm not a passive rag anymore. She gave me 10k$ and bought my share of the house. Makes me sad, but makes me liberated. I feel free. The only sad thing is that I'll see my kids one week out of two. But I bought them tablets. So they can text me whenever they want to  I feel free now. Thank you


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I have very good male friends and have been friends with them for over 20 years, and others since a child. I'm 54 now. Some of them even came to my wedding because they became my husbands friends too. I don't delete any messages from any of them and never deleted when I was married. My husband knew all my codes and I knew his but we didn't need to check. If she is deleting his messages and being sneaky then she is hiding something for sure. She knows she is doing something she shouldn't be. I'd go with your original plan and stay on your own. That's my thoughts.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So she WAS having an affair, sounds like. It's not a rebound, it's a continuing affair.

Now that the marrige is ending you can let him deal with her hoarding and toxic behaviors, and move on with your life.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You didn’t _mind _having sex with her?

Oh boy.

She’s felt in her bones for a long time how much you didn’t love her, even annoying you all the time with her poor, ‘do you love me, don’t you love me’. So annoying right?

So tell us. Why do you _mind _that she had an affair given you don’t give two hoots about her as a woman in your house?

I see a woman absolutely screaming to mean something to you.

I don’t condone cheating but I don’t feel sorry for you one bit.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

joeypiccard said:


> Thanks for your reply jlg07.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She says stuff like this, and you DON'T have contempt for her? What a manipulative, abusive person. Run for the hills and don't look back.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

joeypiccard said:


> Hi there. Just wanted to chime in.
> 
> I still live in the same house but we're separated. I'm leaving. Looking for a new house to buy as soon as I find the right one.
> 
> ...


I don't believe it is a rebound. A lot of people have affairs called "exit affairs" where they want out of their marriage so they do something to sabotage it or they pick their next relationship so they know they'll have someone when they break up. It's messed up and sh(*^y thing to do to your partner but there it is.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

joeypiccard said:


> Absolutely not. I am looking for advice because I wondered if her behaviour was acceptable. When kids are involved, it adds a layer of complexity.
> 
> Either way, it confirms that I don't think I can stay healthy in this relationship.


As long as you don’t use the kids as an excuse to stay. Your kids don’t need to witness you being treated badly. They learn most from parents. Kids aren’t stupid and always know and see more than you think.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

joeypiccard said:


> Hi there. Just wanted to chime in.
> 
> I still live in the same house but we're separated. I'm leaving. Looking for a new house to buy as soon as I find the right one.
> 
> ...


You need to download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover its a free pdf download and short. It only works if you apply it. Stop giving her control over you.

The only way you can become a chump is if you allow it.


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