# At a crossroads - marry or break up?



## broomgirl (Jun 23, 2013)

I am 32 and my boyfriend is 40. We’ve been together for five years, living together for four. Recently, he’s made it clear that he wants us to get married and eventually have kids. But I’m torn between settling down with him or breaking up. Here’s why.

He has many great qualities. He is very faithful and committed to our relationship – I know he would never, ever, cheat or abandon me. He is also intelligent, and holds down a decent job. He’s also a gentle guy. He likes children and animals (and they seem to like him too). In addition, we share many interests (ie we like the same music, movies, TV shows, etc). 

So what’s the problem, I hear you ask? Snap him up. Marry him!

The problem is, he has other traits which I’m less sure about. For a start, he is very overweight. This can be a turn-off, physically. He eats junk food a lot, and rarely exercises. He also drinks a lot of alcohol (which probably contributes to his excessive weight). He never drinks during the week, but every weekend, he normally works his way through about three bottles of wine, and a six-pack of beer, sometimes more. Our sex life is pretty average too. We only have sex about once per month, and it’s usually me who initiates it. He also snores loudly (and refuses to see a doctor about it), so we sleep in separate rooms. He is also a real homebody, and doesn’t like going out much. In fact, he practically has no friends of his own. All our friends were my friends first. Additionally, he can be a very negative person at times. 

It wasn’t always this bad. When we first dated, he was only somewhat overweight, and we had sex twice a week. And he seemed to be more positive about life in general. But gradually, over the years, he’s stacked on the pounds, and our sex life has gone downhill. I’ve tried talking to him (calmly, and without nagging), and explaining that it’s important to me that he be healthy and happy, and that I’d like us to have sex more often. Each time, he makes vague promises to change, but never does. 

So break it off, I hear you say. But it’s not that easy, for the following reasons.

1. I can’t bear the thought of breaking his heart. I know he loves me (he tells me regularly) and is happy in our relationship. I know that if I left him, he’d be devastated (he’s told me that too). I’d feel like I wasted five years of his life. I feel honour-bound to marry him now. In some ways, it’s tempting just to marry him, with the knowledge that I’ll be making him so happy. His family are kind-hearted people who love me too – I don’t want to devastate them either.


2. Practical considerations. We have a mortgage together that neither of us can afford to service on our own. And my boyfriend is VERY attached to our house and would resist having to sell it. There’s a very real chance that I could ruin my credit rating if I walked out (as I wouldn’t be able to afford renting elsewhere AND continue paying the mortgage). I can foresee a huge legal hassle if I left. 


3. This third reason is a selfish one. I’m not proud of it. But here goes. I’m scared that if I leave him, I’ll never find anyone else. I’m 32 years old, and would love to have children one day. I’m scared that I’m passing up my only chance for marriage and a family. I haven’t had much success with men in the past. I’ve always been plain-looking and shy (although I keep fit, and I’ve worked hard as an adult to overcome the shyness). No guy at school ever asked me for a date. I only had my first kiss when I was 22! Besides my current boyfriend, I’ve only had one other boyfriend (who is also the only other guy I’ve ever slept with – I’ve never had a one night stand or anything like that). My ex and I dated for a couple of years, but then he broke up with me, which was quite heart-breaking for me at the time. And which is partly why I’m so reluctant to inflict that pain on my current boyfriend. 

I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend and I have a strong friendship, and I’ve heard that’s a fantastic foundation for marriage. I know that our marriage would be comfortable and secure. Plus, (if everything goes to plan) we’d have kids. And yet, I don’t feel any real passion or attraction towards him. Sometimes – especially when I see him slumped on the sofa on a Saturday night downing beers – I think “Is he really the best you can do for a husband?” Then I feel horrible for thinking that. 

It seems like a terrible gamble. Perhaps if I break up with him, I’ll find someone “better” (for me) as a spouse? But what if I don’t? As I said, I’m 32 and plain looking, so it’s possible that I’ve missed the boat. I’d hate to wake up one day, 40 years old, single and childless, kicking myself for passing up my only chance at marriage and a family. Perhaps I’m being too picky and naïve. 

What should I do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

to me, the negatives outweigh the positives. This part that you wrote - the only part that has to do with emotions, is all about him and your concerns for his feelings and breaking his heart, and what will he do, etc.

"1. I can’t bear the thought of breaking his heart. I know he loves me (he tells me regularly) and is happy in our relationship. I know that if I left him, he’d be devastated (he’s told me that too). I’d feel like I wasted five years of his life. I feel honour-bound to marry him now. In some ways, it’s tempting just to marry him, with the knowledge that I’ll be making him so happy. His family are kind-hearted people who love me too – I don’t want to devastate them either."

You said that you now have an average sex life, but I don't think 1x/month is average.

And he seems like he's going downhill. Eating more, getting more lazy, gaining more weight, not seeing a doctor, AND HE'S ONLY 40.

You're worried about wasting 5 years of his life. It's nice that you are so concerned about him, but this is what dating is all about - learning and growing with each other. It's a test of what's to come, and it doesn't look good. I don't think he's the best that you can do. And although, at 32, you're worried about finding someone else, I think you can. When you look at him and think, "is this the best I can do?" the answer is "No." Don't settle. 

You have resentment that you are sweeping under the rug. These resentments will grow and grow and grow. Your financial concerns are NOT a reason to make a GIGANTIC mistake. It would be the silliest reason to get married.

You are NOT picky and you NOT naive. It has taken 5 years, but you have finally taken your rose-colored glasses off, thank goodness, and are coming to grips with the reality of your situation. This guy is not husband, nor father material.

If there was one thing in your post that screamed louder than most of the many red flags - you sleep in separate rooms. And this is the guy you are considering marrying? No - No way. This is absolutely NO WAY to start a marriage - in separate bedrooms with sex, if you initiate, once a month. 

It will kill you to say it, and it will break his heart, but this is not meant to be. You have wants and needs and expectations and hopes for the future, and he just doesn't cut it.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You need to talk to your boyfriend. I'm guessing he is very sensitive to contrastive criticism which is why you are here. You don't want to upset him with your true feelings.

I get that.

I think if he could make some changes, you would be more attracted to him as a man, not simply a friend. If he truly loves you & wants you to be happy, he may be willing to make some changes.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Definitely do not settle for marriage. That would be a HUGE mistake!

What you need to do is bring up your concerns to your bf and try to work them out. If he's willing to change his eating habits and start exercising along with cutting back or quitting the alcohol would he be worth fighting for? Why not try fixing this before you make any drastic moves or decisions. Also, would he make these life changes forever and not fall back into these bad habits?

Please don't stay with someone just because your afraid of being "alone". He is a human being just like you that does not want to be a plan b or used. It really does sound like you love him, but are concerned for his health, which is completely understandable. Your issues are completely valid too.

Also work on yourself and your own self esteem. I'm sure if this relationship didn't work out, you'd find another in the future. Anyway, you don't need a man to make you happy, you are responsible for your own happiness.

I wish you the best of luck!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Perhaps you could start with some relationship counselling. See if you can resolve the issues before making any final decisions.

Personally, I think you'd be foolish to marry him the way things are now. His negative qualities seem like they will continue to get worse over time. So tieing yourself closer to him with marriage and children would just make things more difficult to get out of, and you'd just waste more of both of your lives in the end.

C


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Counseling may help you make a decision as to what's the best course for your life. Right now, I wouldn't think marrying him is the answer. Especially if you want to have children. If you think life is complicated now, it pales in comparison to what it will be like with children in the mix.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

broomgirl said:


> 3. This third reason is a selfish one. I’m not proud of it. But here goes. I’m scared that if I leave him, I’ll never find anyone else. I’m 32 years old, and would love to have children one day. I’m scared that I’m passing up my only chance for marriage and a family. I haven’t had much success with men in the past. I’ve always been plain-looking and shy (although I keep fit, and I’ve worked hard as an adult to overcome the shyness).


The older you get the worse this is going to be. The Male/Female ratio drops and males who are successful in life can date women who are much younger than they are. 

A plain-looking woman with a hot body, long hair, and bubbly personality is still going to do well on the dating scene at your age. Add fat, a military style haircut, and nasty attitude ... and say goodbye to men. 

You can work on those things at the same time you lay down the ultimatum with him and work through counseling. If this doesn't jar him out of it - then it is not going to happen.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

The not finding another guy part is unlikely. Match dating site would likely result in all the dates you can handle unless you weigh 300 lbs.

The alcohol is an issue.

Sex 12x a year is not normal.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mrs. Broomgirl,

If your boyfriend lose weight, will you be more attracted to him & more likely to marry him?

This year I am able to reduce my weight from 96 kilograms to 89 kilograms, without starvation dieting.. just by adjusting my eating habits. So, losing weight is possible without too much pain. Maybe you could persuade your boyfriend to lose weight by exercising a bit? even simple exercises like walking around the neighborhood daily will do wonders, when combined with proper eating habits.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Make your BF read the Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011. This book is gold for men. It's your BF's responsibility to maintain his physical attractiveness so that you will be attracted to him. 

This is on him. He's turned into a lazy fat body and you're enabling his behavior by continuing to stay with him. Make him realize there are consequences to him being a couch potato, and that is you're no longer physically attracted to him.

If he gets the hint and improves himself, then re-consider moving forward in the relationship.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Emerald said:


> You need to talk to your boyfriend. I'm guessing he is very sensitive to contrastive criticism which is why you are here. You don't want to upset him with your true feelings.
> 
> I get that.
> 
> I think if he could make some changes, you would be more attracted to him as a man, not simply a friend. If he truly loves you & wants you to be happy, he may be willing to make some changes.


Great advice.

See if the the two of you can reach an adequate compromise. If not, at 32 I know you'll find someone else.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

broomgirl said:


> He is very *faithful *and committed to our relationship – I know he would *never, ever, cheat* or abandon me. He is also intelligent, and holds down a decent job. He’s also a gentle guy. He likes children and animals (and they seem to like him too). In addition, we share many interests (ie we like the same *music, movies, TV shows*, etc).
> 
> So what’s the problem, I hear you ask? Snap him up. Marry him!
> 
> ...


First, you can't marry someone just to know that you are making them happy. Also, just because you've dated five years does not make you honour-bound to marry. Don't feel guilted into marrying someone. That is a bad way to start a marriage.

He actually sounds depressed to me. The weekend binge drinking, weight gain, lack of friends, staying home, and lack of initiating sex. It doesn't sound like he's trying to address any of these issues. You're not married even and you're already sleeping in separate rooms. He needs to see a doctor and be willing to make some lifestyle changes. You can not do this for him.

I think if he is willing to see a doctor make changes, then you may have a future. I still think you need to step back from your guilt and your fear of the future and take time to think about if the future you want to have is with him. 32 is young. You have many wonderful qualities and have time to find a relationship with a man that is healthy. Usually the best years are the first few of dating/marriage. What will happen if you have children with this man? How much is he going to help with raising them? What kind of father/role model will he be? Which direction will the drinking take? 

Again, take the guilt and fear out of the equation. See if he's willing to get help and make a change. And, most importantly, decide what future *you* want.


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## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

I think if you end up marrying him now, without at least trying counseling first, you will end up resenting him. All of the things you listed will only get worse after marriage. Since you said he doesn't have friends, its sounds like he is binge drinking by himself on the weekends. That is a red flag for alcoholism. You are still very much young enough to find someone else. I have several friends who did not find the person they decided to settle down with until their mid to late 30's and a few of them are now pregnant or have children.


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## broomgirl (Jun 23, 2013)

Thanks for the advice guys. To address a few points:

1. I have raised the issue of his health and drinking in the past. He sometimes tries to make changes, like starting a diet, or exercising more, but it only lasts a week or so, then it's back to his old ways. For example, next week he plans to start a diet that's based mainly on eating vegetable soup. I'll do my best to support him, of course (including making the actual soup) but I wonder how long it'll last for. 

2. On a similar note, he has seen a doctor about his health. Apart from the excess weight, he is apparently quite healthy (normal blood pressure, cholesterol levels, etc). The doctor told him to lose the extra pounds, but he hasn't. 

3. We also had a few counselling sessions last year, but he didn't much like them, and didn't want to attend any more. 

4. Regarding his drinking, his explanation is that once we have kids, he won't be able to drink because he'll have to be a responsible parent. So he wants to "make the most of it" now, while he's still child-free. 

5. If he were to lose weight and become a bit more positive (and less of a homebody) I'd definitely be more attracted to him. 

6. Regarding my looks, I definitely don't weigh 300 pounds, lol. In fact I have quite a fit body! It's just my head that's been whacked with the ugly stick once too many times! 

7. Regarding the sleeping in rooms thing, I guess that's partly my fault, because I choose to sleep in a different room. But that's only because he often snores so loudly that it keeps me awake. Every so often we do sleep together, though.


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## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

It sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into staying out of guilt, lowered self-esteem, and convenience. You are still quite young and there is plenty of time to meet a person who enhances your life. Right now you are just settling for status quo.

A relationship is about honesty and you are not being honest with him if you stay with him for the above reasons--not because he's your soul-mate, best friend, "the one." 

I will be telling my kids to live with their prospective spouse for a couple of years to really see how they feel-- and it sounds like you did that and you have a good idea how you feel now. So act on it.

Physical attraction is huge. The little things you can overlook become big things that irritate you and kill a sex life. I'm not saying we all need to be Mr. Universe or Ms. America, but personal hygiene and fitness are a big deal to most people. If you take care of yourself, you care about yourself. And until you have a positive self esteem (not narcissist that's different) it's hard to care fully about others.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

As for his drinking, he has no idea how much more he will want to drink when he has the stress of children in his life. They are great but they will add stress like he can't begin to imagine.


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