# Anyone of you in a long term relationship smoke weed?



## johnjohn

I'm wondering because my fiance doesnt want me to, not because she doesnt like weed but because she feels it'll ruin our relationship. I'm only 24, I like to do it occasionally with friends. I'm not looking for people to tell me to stop or that its illegal, its legal here. So any of you smoke?


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## TNgirl232

No I don't smoke, but I assume this is like any hobby or habit that a significant other doesn't particularly like - smoking, drinking, porn, etc. If its legal where you are, then that's not a reason to quit. 

Did she say why she thinks it will affect your relationship? I think that would be very telling in whether it is something you stop doing.

The other factor is....long term, can she truly love you enough to be ok with you smoking occasionally, and not just say she is ok with it and then get resentful and 5 years down the road lash out at you for it....or can you truly love her enough to be ok with stopping for her and not lash out later on because she is trying to control you?

Its not really so much about whether you do or don't as if one of you is committed enough to the relationship to change fo and/or accept who the other person is.


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## AFEH

johnjohn said:


> I'm wondering because my fiance doesnt want me to, not because she doesnt like weed but because she feels it'll ruin our relationship. I'm only 24, I like to do it occasionally with friends. I'm not looking for people to tell me to stop or that its illegal, its legal here. So any of you smoke?


"Weed" as you call it has ruined many many relationships. Depends at what age you started, how susceptible you are to biological changes in your brain and if your brain has/had stopped growing.

It just depends. But depending on the age you started at you have a 3 out 4 chance of ending up somewhat mentally ill and quite seriously dysfunctional. I’m guessing you’re either in Holland or a specific area of California? I’ve quite a few Dutch friends who fear going back to Holland because of the violent and aggressive nature produced by the “great weed experiment”.

So of course your wife is right in what she says. Weed can seriously damage your marriage.

Bob


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## greeneyeddolphin

Leaving aside personal opinions and legalities, if she thinks it will hurt your relationship, it would be a very good idea to stop if you value your relationship. 

If one partner has an objection to smoking weed, and the other partner continues to smoke it knowing about the objection, it will cause problems. The partner that doesn't smoke will grow to resent the one who does for not valuing their feelings. The partner that smokes will grow to resent the one who doesn't for not supporting their habit/hobby. 

Especially given that you say that it's not that she doesn't like weed, I have to think there's another very serious reason why she feels it will ruin your relationship. I'm thinking you may end up having to choose between weed and your relationship. You might want to start considering which one you would choose.


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## jamesa

AFEH said:


> "Weed" as you call it has ruined many many relationships. Depends at what age you started, how susceptible you are to biological changes in your brain and if your brain has/had stopped growing.
> 
> It just depends. But depending on the age you started at you have a 3 out 4 chance of ending up somewhat mentally ill and quite seriously dysfunctional. I’m guessing you’re either in Holland or a specific area of California? I’ve quite a few Dutch friends who fear going back to Holland because of the violent and aggressive nature produced by the “great weed experiment”.
> 
> So of course your wife is right in what she says. Weed can seriously damage your marriage.
> 
> Bob


That is utterly false. The incidence of marijuana use has multiplied by several times over the last 20 years and the incidence of schizophrenia has fallen. Don't let anyone lie to you about the ill-effects of marijuana, none of these scare stories has been proven.

Holland has one of the lowest violent crime rates in the world

List of countries by intentional homicide rate - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Alcohol has caused much more damage to marriages than marijuana ever will.


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## lovelieswithin

i'll be the rebel! My husband & I have been together 8 years and we smoke. However: we have rules!!! we don't smoke on work nights and we smoke in the comfort of home, treating it as though it would be drunk driving to drive baked. Thus we take full responsibility for our usage. 
That said, if you are ultra responsible and don't have an addictive personality then I believe it is possible to use it recreationally in a marriage safely. I believe strongly in being respectful of your spouse's feelings on it... which I imagine is why you're asking to begin with =)
Im madly in love with my husband and our private use of mj brings us relaxation in our busy lives. Again... it's not for everyone and a matter of personal choice/responsibility.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH

jamesa said:


> That is utterly false. The incidence of marijuana use has multiplied by several times over the last 20 years and the incidence of schizophrenia has fallen. Don't let anyone lie to you about the ill-effects of marijuana, none of these scare stories has been proven.
> 
> Holland has one of the lowest violent crime rates in the world
> 
> List of countries by intentional homicide rate - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> 
> Alcohol has caused much more damage to marriages than marijuana ever will.


You people always fail in their argument when they make comparisons and justifications with alcohol. And you did it right off the bat, no messing. Two wrongs never made a right 

Bob


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## Nekko

@Bob,
I dunno, i have multiple friends who smoke weed. They generally become happy, peaceful or lazy after smoking. Some of the ones who drink though, have a tendency to become more aggressive. Then again, there are people who drink and become happy too. I'm not an expert though, this is just based on my experiences with people who've done one of the two or both. From my very very limited personal experience with weed i classified weed as a mood enhancer because it seems to amplify the mood you're in before you smoke it. 

I've always thought of weed as alcohol but let me explain what that means. As social habits (one joint once every week/month, for a party for enjoyment or one glass of wine for dinner, at a party etc) are perfectly ok. 

Drinking till you get drunk everyday or smoking weed on a daily basis, however, aren't a great idea. Whether they do damage to your brain, health and so on, let's leave this aside for the moment because people often argue on these. But both of them tend to disconnect you from the world because your attention will be somewhere else. This way, most people who are either drunks or weeders will tend to be the "less responsible", "i'll do it another time", "i don't really care what's going on" kinda people. From my own personal experience, it's hard to rely on either category or take them seriously as responsible adults. It's hard to have a mature relationship with them, as a result. That's strictly my opinion though and there may be people out there who don't have this type of problem.


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## AFEH

Hi Nekko, it’s the denial of the health risks by those that smoke is what I find strange. Never heard a cigarette smoker deny the health risks or the addictive nature of the habit. Accept a few who’ll say my grandfather smoked till he died at 85 or something. Only people who deny the health risks of alcohol are alcoholics.

With weed or whatever it’s called I know parents in their 60s who fundamentally believe their sons big time mental health problems started out with weed. I also know men in their 50s who are trying and struggling to get off of weed.

I was a teenager in the 60s when purple hearts and stuff were all the rage. I never went there at all. Last year round some friends after a meal and a few drinks the guy trying to get off of weed rolled the longest smoke I’d ever seen in my life, it was a pure work of art. Of course it got handed around and I had a go. One inhalation was enough for me. My mind was altered almost instantly, like a removal of my instinctual inhibitions. No way was I going to go there so I thanked them for a very nice evening and upped and left. This was at 2 in the morning with a five mile walk home.

I’ve discussed weed with the most seasoned campaigners for it’s legalisation. One is well known in the States having done things to deliberately antagonise the law in order to get jailed and highlight his crusade. He was “successful” in doing this three times. You know what? That guy is in his 50s and hasn’t a penny to his name, doesn’t even own a home. So what good has it done him I wonder.

All of these seasoned campaigners use as their “weapon of last resort” that weed is supposedly not as bad as tobacco or alcohol, their argument always comes down to that and defaults to the same thing. Every single time. My younger son always uses that argument.

But. The enlightened campaigners for weed’s legalisation do most certainly accept that weed has medium term exceedingly serious mental health problems for those that start when they are young. That is if they start before their brain has stopped growing. It never does in fact as cells are replaced every minute of the day. So what’s to be done? Make weed legal for those say after age 30? But that then just gives the green light for everyone under that age to go ahead with the stuff. Much like legally buying cigarettes at age 16 does for the under 16s.

As far as Holland is concerned I’ve heard arguments both for and against legalisation. Two Dutch social workers I know are very much for it. These two spent many years helping heroin addicts etc. Other Dutch people I know simply don’t like going back home because of what the legalisation of weed has done to their country.

When anybody says weed is not as bad as cigarette smoking or alcohol to me they haven’t done the research of the effects of what they are doing to themselves, especially the younger ones. And if they have done the research and still smoke when then they are in denial, very much like the person who is an alcoholic.

Bob


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## AFEH

Nekko said:


> This way, most people who are either drunks or weeders will tend to be the "less responsible", "i'll do it another time", "i don't really care what's going on" kinda people. From my own personal experience, it's hard to rely on either category or take them seriously as responsible adults. It's hard to have a mature relationship with them, as a result. That's strictly my opinion though and there may be people out there who don't have this type of problem.


Yes, that's exactly what happens. It's a way they use not to face up and overcome the issues that are deeply bothering them.

There “happiness” is at the bottom of a bottle or the end of a joint. It’s not from long term dedication and hard work to the realisation of a dream. That’s why so many are poor and penniless which just adds to their eventual despair and suicidal tendencies. Their happiness doesn’t come from a good game of golf or tennis or a long walk through the forest. It will be there at the bottom of the bottle or at the end of a joint. Yeh. Righto.

Bob


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## AFEH

Here's a thought. Smoking cigarettes was once considered "a good hobby". If a man smoked he had a good hobby lol.

Bob


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## less_disgruntled

AFEH said:


> "Weed" as you call it has ruined many many relationships. Depends at what age you started, how susceptible you are to biological changes in your brain and if your brain has/had stopped growing.
> 
> It just depends. But depending on the age you started at you have a 3 out 4 chance of ending up somewhat mentally ill and quite seriously dysfunctional. I’m guessing you’re either in Holland or a specific area of California? I’ve quite a few Dutch friends who fear going back to Holland because of the violent and aggressive nature produced by the “great weed experiment”.
> 
> So of course your wife is right in what she says. Weed can seriously damage your marriage.
> 
> Bob



Thanks, Nancy Reagan, but you forgot the part about how jazz musicians and Mexicans smoke it. Care to cite any vetted sources on any of the statements you make here?


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## AFEH

less_disgruntled said:


> Thanks, Nancy Reagan, but you forgot the part about how jazz musicians and Mexicans smoke it. Care to cite any vetted sources on any of the statements you make here?


With that attitude no way. You go ahead and enjoy your smoke, sounds like you need one.

Bob


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## jamesa

Ok, to answer the OP's original question. I had a similar experience when I was in my 20s. 

My girlfriend, who had previously been an enthusiastic smoker decided to quit and asked me to do the same. She suddenly became anti-marijuana and also anti the friends who I smoked with. 

The reality of the situation was that she was insecure, with reason as it turned out, and saw this part of my life as a threat to her. Does your girlfriend want you to stop because she is worried about your health? Is she against it morally? Or does she feel threatened by the group you smoke with and what you get up to?

Try and find out why and then decide if her reasons are valid and you feel it is worth giving up for her sake. 

My wife and I are both successful professionals with two healthy, well-adjusted kids and we smoke regularly. Our marriage has lasted 10 years and we have been together for 16. We have had our issues, like any other couple, but so far we have managed to overcome them. 

Marijuana has played no part in the difficulties we have had and has not prevented us from being successful and happy. Often a therapeutic smoke on the terrace followed by a cuddle and love-making session has helped us to deal with the stresses and strains of daily life. 

Should you smoke? No, of course not. Drawing hot smoke into your lungs is a bad idea, but we need to be balanced and mature about our approach to one of the least harmful drugs known to mankind. This 'evil weed' paranoia just makes kids lose faith in the judgement of adults, with negative consequences when it comes to truly dangerous drugs like cocaine and heroine.


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## Fiveleavesleft

Well having come across this forum only this evening this post prompted me to sign up and comment.

Speaking from my own experience, I can say that weed contributed largely towards ruining my first marriage. 14 years, four of which were married. The fact that it took ten years to get her to agree to marry is actually one symptom of it.
She Smoked from the start, I had done very occasionally while I was at college, but I had stopped because I didn't like the affect it had on my head. 
She told me that she only smoked typically one spliff a day, but after we were divorced, mutual friends told me that she smoked up to 10-12 a day. 
It was very difficult to get anything done. Things like buying a house, building towards a better life would drift... and drift.... and drift.. eventually we bought a house but it was entirely through my efforts and funding. She sometimes had jobs - things below her ability level which didn't require her to think - but somehow her money never made it into the household budget.
There was a big lack of care about her environment - it was impossible to keep the house clean - and the sex dropped away to almost none. She got very enthusastic about some quite whacky projects and then would lose interest after a few days. Nothing got completed or seen through, or planned.
Towards the end of the time we were together things and money started disappearing. Something you associate more with "hard" drugs or alcoholism. However, it did happen.
I had put down the end of our marriage to "growing apart", but I can see that the listlessness, lack of motivation, and the underlying singleminded pursuit of happiness through the weed rather than the marriage is actually a very big part of what happened.

There were at least two occasions when I came back from a few days on a business trip to find her having a psychotic episode. 
None of the above did I put down to the weed at the time, however, I have come across quite similar cases and hearing about those and thinking of my own situation, suddenly it all came together, and a lot of "bizzarre" behaviour on her part then made sense. 

Yes, cannabis is addictive - Yes there are people in rehab on cannabis only addictions, who have difficulty withdrawing. And yes, like every addiction it takes the number one place in the addicts life - which should be occupied by your spouse.
Using friends are not really friends but fellow users, again like all the other abusable substances.
Those who are addicted to it display all the same lies, manipulation and denial m blame of others, of the other substance abusers. However weed in particular is subject to a lot of denial by its users. 

That said, like with alcohol it is possible to be an occasional user. However, to the original poster, you will find that the altered state it puts you in will mean that you will find yourself on a different wavelength to your partner some or all of the time. Even if you are an occasional user that is still something that could come between you. At the very least there is a part of your life that you can't take her to or share with her, at the worst, you are on different planets altogether.
By posting this question you are already indicating that using is important enough for you to ask the question " Don't tell me to stop"..
I'm not doing that, just describing possible consequences and confirming that it can ruin relationships, as you asked.


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## Trenton

If it were legal I might give it a try but since not, nope.


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## Nekko

Trenton said:


> If it were legal I might give it a try but since not, nope.


It's not a very big deal anyway. Some people tend to make it into a great experience. I personally believe that those people aren't extremely happy with their lives if they need to enhance it with something, much like the ones who drink their pain away. This is, of course, strictly my own opinion. But you aren't really missing out on anything exceptional . 

The only thing that attracts me to weed is the "munchies" i get afterwards. I've had my best tasting hamburger after smoking.


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## jamesa

Fiveleavesleft said:


> Yes, cannabis is addictive - Yes there are people in rehab on cannabis only addictions, who have difficulty withdrawing. And yes, like every addiction it takes the number one place in the addicts life - which should be occupied by your spouse.
> Using friends are not really friends but fellow users, again like all the other abusable substances.
> Those who are addicted to it display all the same lies, manipulation and denial m blame of others, of the other substance abusers. However weed in particular is subject to a lot of denial by its users.
> 
> .


That is not correct. Despite massive funding by the state and conversvative organisations no-one has been able to prove that there are addictive substances in marijauna. Find some facts that will prove me wrong. 

I am sorry about your wife, she sounds like she has/had major psychological problems. Anybody who uses ANY drug as much as she did has major problems that need attention but to blame marijuana is liking saying the common cold is caused by having a runny nose. 

You are confusing symptom and cause.


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## AFEH

jamesa said:


> That is not correct. Despite massive funding by the state and conversvative organisations no-one has been able to prove that there are addictive substances in marijauna. Find some facts that will prove me wrong.
> 
> I am sorry about your wife, she sounds like she has/had major psychological problems. Anybody who uses ANY drug as much as she did has major problems that need attention but to blame marijuana is liking saying the common cold is caused by having a runny nose.
> 
> You are confusing symptom and cause.


There’re funds going into legalise it James and what we see publicly of those funds will just be the tip of the iceberg and will be for “marketing reasons”. There’s a vote in California 2nd Nov.

Most people believe the story that it’s to make the police force more efficient. Righto.

Now think on all the billions of dollars profit gained by those who will grow, package and sell the stuff. Users are just pawns in an immensely big game of profit. It’s money driving it, nothing else.

Of course it’s not addictive like heroine or nicotine. Those things are almost instantly addictive. Have cigarette be addicted. It’s simple. And yes smoking was marketed as a harmless hobby at one time.

Have your first pint of beer are you addicted to alcohol? Of course not. Got problems, need to drawn your sorrows, buy a bottle of whisky. It drowns your sorrows right? Keep on buying the whisky and have 2 pints a day. Can’t live without a drink? Are you an alcoholic now addicted to alcohol? Of course you are.

The British Empire was built on this stuff James. But they had to create a market for what they were importing and exporting. The cannabis market is already there and it’s massive. Users have already been “educated” in it’s harmlessness. Once the go ahead is given the massive profits will be almost instantaneous. I bet they’re already geared up and have at least a 20 year plan. Just watch the shares of the companies that have the rights to grow and sell the stuff. And watch who’s putting the money in, I bet it’ll be the cigarette companies, they truly know how to do this stuff.

Got money to invest? Put it in the cannabis growing, packaging and distribution companies.


Bob


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## Nekko

jamesa said:


> That is not correct. Despite massive funding by the state and conversvative organisations no-one has been able to prove that there are addictive substances in marijauna. Find some facts that will prove me wrong.


Weed can be as addictive as : alcohol, porn, gambling, chocolate, sex, video games.

All of the above will be considered ok or bad depending on how they are used and if they are abused or not. They all have the "potential" to create an addiction because they provide instant pleasure.

People who have problems are tempted to jump into doing any of the above to avoid the problems and lift their mood. In that case, all of the above usually become an addiction because the underlying problem is never solved, it's just being masked. 

Example: i spent two years playing a game called world of warcraft. It was my escape from a crap world and life. There's nothing in the game, per say, to make it addictive. But it became addictive anyway, it was hard to give up and it made me avoid my real problems for a long period of time. It was my comfort zone. For people who have a tendency to run away from their problems and sink into some of the things mentioned above, all of them prove quite bad! They harm their relationships as well. Of course, we're not all the same and all of the above done occasionally and responsibly are quite great. 

It's the addiction on the mind that proves harmful though. Take cigarettes as an example. I've been meaning to quit for a long time (10+ years of doing it). I've made it two weeks without them. after that time, nicotine is completely out of my blood stream. They taste bad, they are disgusting. But my mind is addicted to the behavior, gesture, feeling they provide. I can't have a cup of coffee because i'm missing "something" unless i light up a cigarette. I can't sit at a table outside with friends because i have nothing to do with my hands. i feel uncomfortable, awkward, anxious. If i put a cigarette in my mouth, i don't have to feel that anxiousness. As you see, the addictive substances in cigarettes are far from what causes a smoker's actual addiction to cigarettes. Hope this makes sense. 

Same for a weed smoker. No weed= that underlying sadness, anxiousness, problems. Add weed and it all goes away. With such a simple trick to rely on, why ever solve those problems?


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## Fiveleavesleft

jamesa said:


> That is not correct. Despite massive funding by the state and conversvative organisations no-one has been able to prove that there are addictive substances in marijauna. Find some facts that will prove me wrong.
> 
> I am sorry about your wife, she sounds like she has/had major psychological problems. Anybody who uses ANY drug as much as she did has major problems that need attention but to blame marijuana is liking saying the common cold is caused by having a runny nose.
> 
> You are confusing symptom and cause.


Your statement "That is not correct" is applied to a paragraph which contains a number of points, so I'll address them one at a time.

Cannabis is addictive:
There is no universally accepted definition of addiction, even within the medical profession, so we can all choose a definition which suits our argument.
In this case you appear to be using a definition which includes chemicals that have chemical addictive mechanisms that are well understood - opiates, alcohol and nicotine. That definition is not very useful when looking at addiction from a behavioural point of view or the point of view of mental/emotional states. Here is why. Alcohol, for example, is shown to be clinically addictive in this way. Yet not everybody who uses alcohol becomes addicted to it. The known "chemical" aspect of it doesn't in itself make it more dangerous.
Cocaine on the other hand is not thought to be clinically addictive under that definition. There are people who can chip cocaine without becoming addicted, however, a lot of people do - the rehabs are full of people whose drug of choice is cocaine. 
If we are looking at addiction from a behavioural perspective, and that is relevant here, a more useful definition is one described by an overwhelming compulsion to use, increased tolerance through use, and physiological symptoms of withdrawal when the usage is stopped. 
There need not even be a "substance" element at all. Gambling, porn, sex, shopping addictions all can exhibit all of the above. Food is one of the worst, because if you remove it altogether, you starve, so abstinence isn't an option.
What is happening chemically here is not fully understood, it is linked to the pleasure and reward centres in the brain and becoming dependent on a particular association with using behaviour that releases those feel-good chemicals and the user becomes dependent on that. 
The effect of THC on body chemistry still isn't fully understood, however, a proportion of regular cannabis users do become addicted and exhibit addictive behaviour to the extent it can cause damage. It looks like a duck, it quacks like a duck. Its a duck. Not a squirrel. 
I would like you to meet somebody who is in the middle of a detox from cannabis - they haven't slept for a week despite all the sleeping medication possible, and they won't sleep for another week. They are irritable, aggressive, climbing up the walls and desperate. I would like to watch their reaction when you look them in the face and tell them that cannabis is not addictive.

Next statement you say is not correct - that there are cannabis only addicts in rehab who have difficulty withdrawing. 
This can easily be proved, if you wish I can pm you the name and number of clinics that have had recovering cannabis users. Just give them a call and ask if they have experience of treating cannabis-only addictions. They may also tell you a little about what detox is like if you ask.

Next - using friends are not real friends. Like with any substance abuse, recovering users suddenly find they have nothing in common with their using friends, that really their only previous common ground was the drug of choice and using. Usually you see a major change in them for the better, and they start to associate with people who are interested in them for their own sake. Healthy friends. If they have been using a long time - several years, this can be a real pleasant surprise and eye-opener for them. It happens with cannabis along with all the other drugs including alcohol. Each community has its own "flavour" - boozers, junkies, meth heads, polyaddicts etc, but the underlying mechanism is the same in each case. This is well documented. 12 step programs and books are full of it, but that is by no means the only source.

Next - showing all the same behaviour as other addicts.. I think I have largely addressed that above, but again it is well documented. I have seen it in people I know, a number of them - not just my ex wife but some of her and my friends. Some have cleaned up and their life and way of being has changed. That James, is how I know that I am not "confusing symptoms with causes".

In the particular case of my ex-wife, I didnt see her clean up. I am now happily remarried, and as part of my strategy to keep things that way, I no longer have contact with her. I hope she finds/has found a way out of it.

Finally, I mention in that paragraph that weed users in particular are susceptible to denial about the risks. 
I don't know whether you are a user or not James, but you do talk like one. 
If a weed smoker were to say to me, yes, I am aware that there is a risk through regular use, and what those risks are, yet I still choose to smoke it, I have much less of a problem with that than with somebody trying to convince everyone that it is harmless - which is part of the whole self-deception self-justification thing that is the start of addictive behaviour. Denial is not a river in Egypt. 
( Legal: Of course I do not condone or encourage illegal activity and am not inciting crime with any of the statements in this post)

Here is an analogy that readers of this forum might understand. Addicts/users are in a kind of "fog", similar to the fog we talk about ( I believe coined originally by the Marriagebuilders guys) that waywards have during affairs.

So for "But I only use it socially" read " But we are only friends"
For "All my friends smoke it" read " all my male friends text lots of women from work all the time" ( or female friends/Men)

For " But it helps me more than any other thing to be really creative" read " Now that I've met my soul mate, I've come to realise that I never really loved you and our marriage was a ghost of what things could be".

Anybody who has just got past the worst of recovery after an affair, and whose children have just reached that teen stage where they are getting into drugs will see exactly what I mean..


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## stuckinpast

Let me just start by saying my husband smoked when we first met.It didn't bother me at the time.when we got married he continued to smoke it never bothered me until it felt like he would rather smoke then hang out with me. Occasionaly I'd make comments about how it was affecting our relationship but to him he didn't see it.Now him smoking weed didn't tear us apart but it did play a factor on his dicsions.Smoking weed is a social thing and I'm fine with anyone who chooses to smoke but be careful who you smoke with because if your wife should find out you smoke with a girl it could lead to serious issues in your relationship. I'm going to end by saying we've been together 11 years married for 7 he quit smoking 2 months ago!(His choice) So if smoking is more important keep smoking but if you love your wife and want to be happy give it up if she has these feelings. Things always work out! Don't stress too much! Hope all goes well!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamesa

I think the OP has drifted off like a cloud of smoke. Short term memory thing I guess.


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## cherrypie18

John if your fiance feels that smoking weed will ruin your relationship then maybe you should ask her WHY EXACTLY it will ruin your relationship? What are the actual reasons? 

People, alcohol is a depressant, that is why people get low, depressed and get negative effects from it. 

Cigarettes do not harm everyone who smoke it. It depends on the person's body and health. My brother is in his 20s and smokes much less than my father who's around 50 and has been smoking (several packs a day) for over 30 years, but by brother's lungs are more "damaged" than my father's. It is all very individual. 

People died of all kinds of cancer and diseases before cigarettes so I don't believe in all the smoking causes cancer stuff. Nonsmokers die of lung/throat/mouth cancer and smokers die of a natural death in their late 70s or 80s so yeah...

Weed on the other hand, I've never tried it but I'd love to. I'm waiting for my child to grow up because I will not get high around a baby lol 

Weed will not harm you if you don't get hooked on it smoking it all day every day.

Weed helps lots of people with health issues. 

Everything in proportion is good. 

The governments around the world will _never _ ban neither of these 3 "bad" habits because each is an industry of billions and billions of dollars


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## prometheus

Dude, get it worked out now before you get married. My wife was the same way. When abused it will destroy your life. If she feels this way now i doubt that will change. If she wants NO weed in the marriage than choose her or the weed, both will not work and if you lie behind her back your doomed to fail.


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## AFEH

prometheus said:


> Dude, get it worked out now before you get married. My wife was the same way. When abused it will destroy your life. If she feels this way now i doubt that will change. If she wants NO weed in the marriage than choose her or the weed, both will not work and if you lie behind her back your doomed to fail.


The original poster never came back. I guess he didn’t like the answers or his wife left him.

Prometheus I can’t work out from your post who was/is the user in your marriage.

Bob


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## CLucas976

I don't have research or anything to cite, but here's my experiences for the arguement.

I used to smoke weed, when hubs and I started hanging out it was something we had in common. within the first year, he asked me to quit, we had to point blank, we had to stop partying completely or our relationship would never work.

two weeks later, he was disapearing to his friends house, getting ripped, and lying to me when I knew full well why he was so retarded. I accepted it, even occasionally smoked with him, whatever no big deal.

I enrolled in school, got a degree in 2007 and since then my smoking has dwindled down to nothing. Not at all, I have no want to, and the very last thing on the face of the earth I want is to get the job I want, and lose it, because of a drug test. Honestly, sitting around for a few hours drooling and having "dude man" conversations isn't worth a future to me, I don't want to be poor my whole life.

Now, here is how things go for me. We can't go out in public without him bringing some with him, he can't stay sober to hang out with me, but thats not it see, he just likes to be high. He comes home from work and either has to have a beer or smoke himself stupid. He'll run to the store for cigs, and be gone for a few hours (the store is a walk down the street away) because he decided to go around hunting for weed. 

We're $40,000 in debt because he left school. He won't do anything to fix it, why? because it requires a piss test. Nothing. I get no help.

But its not addictive, he's only been doing it by "choice" alone since he was like....what 12? RIGHT. Can't put it down, can't go a day without it. not addictive.

He has lied to me about getting it from a chick who openly throws herself at him, lied to me about hanging out with her, all of that, because she has weed, and he wants it. So my feelings don't matter. Our financial situation? doesn't matter. We're sinking quickly, irrelevant, just smoke a bong, it makes it better.

We work at a restaurant together where we share tips, the guy has had the waitress split tips mid-shift so he could buy weed off a customer while working. 

Mention this? and you get the same excuses you'd hear from any other addict. "well I went this many day without it." He got into an arguement with me, because he went one day without smoking, but insisted it counts as two, because of the times of the days that he smoked at. -facepalm-

in my marriage I rank under marijuana. If it upsets someone that much that someone should ask them to not smoke (like hubs refusing to talk to his dad for weeks over it) you should probably put it down, because its already become to important to you.


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## AFEH

Wow that’s quite a testament Clucas. My younger son does the “dude man conversations” some of his buddies call him Lord. He hasn’t a penny to his name. He can get all he’s gathered over the years into a holdall. He uses all the arguments, it’s not as bad as alcohol or cigarettes etc. etc. etc. I can’t even get near him with it all.

Bob


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## L.M.COYL

Still smokin' after 20 years and don't intend on quitting for anyone-I told that to my wife 20 years ago too. When I offer her a toke some days she takes it others she says "I don't do drugs recreationally." (unless on THOSE days I give her a big glass of chilled wine)


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## AFEH

L.M.COYL said:


> Still smokin' after 20 years and don't intend on quitting for anyone-I told that to my wife 20 years ago too. When I offer her a toke some days she takes it others she says "I don't do drugs recreationally." (unless on THOSE days I give her a big glass of chilled wine)


So you know how to manipulate your wife into using it. Well done you. That's what users do isn't. Manipulate others into using. Makes the user feel better somehow. Seen it before. The stuff comes out after nice meal and some drinks and people's normal defences are down. And then their defences go even further down. Got tried on me. One puff and I was out of the place.

I've a mate been on it for years. He's in his 50s. He's resolved to get off it. He's really struggling.

Bob


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## Z3R0_KAT

johnjohn said:


> I'm wondering because my fiance doesnt want me to, not because she doesnt like weed but because she feels it'll ruin our relationship. I'm only 24, I like to do it occasionally with friends. I'm not looking for people to tell me to stop or that its illegal, its legal here. So any of you smoke?


me and my husband smoke, we enjoy it very much. its our relaxing time, (hes 28 im 21) so no if your both ok with it i dont see anything wrong with it.


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## Gammyleg

Weed f*cked my life & marriage of 22years. Simple as.
Thats why i'm on this forum.

Gammy


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## alphaomega

Gammyleg said:


> Weed f*cked my life & marriage of 22years. Simple as.
> Thats why i'm on this forum.
> 
> Gammy


Was it the weed, Gammy, or were you using the weed as a replacement for not having to think about what was "missing" in your relationship? Just curious.


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## janesmith

married 17 years. we smoke together and I alone. its not a problem. it makes for awesome sex. hes 42 and im 41.


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## Gammyleg

alphaomega said:


> Was it the weed, Gammy, or were you using the weed as a replacement for not having to think about what was "missing" in your relationship? Just curious.


A very good point. Yes, there were things not quite right with the relationship and our personal circumstances were not all that great at the time so I started back on the weed to get through it rather than discussing them with my wife. The problem was that the weed was an 'easy-out' solution and the underlying problems were still there only I didn't care anymore. Pretty soon all my emotions just become dead and for my wife it was like living with a stranger. I've been off it now for 5 months and I am a completely different person. People that I know who don't smoke have spotted the change, those that do smoke haven't 'cos there just too f*cked-up to notice.
I will never touch that sh*t again.

Gammy

ps. Yes the sex can be somewhat amazing, although by itself it's not enough to save your marriage.


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## WhirlyGig

I dont think anyone would deny that Substance Abuse - no matter what that substance was (Alcohol, Cannabis, Cocaine, Pain Meds, Sleeping Pills) is harmful -pretty much to everything that's alive - including a relationship. But I don't think that was the question was it?

My experience: I've been smoking "the odd spliff" for a very long time. In my twenties, it was rather more than that - but in the end I needed to study, get a career etc...so settled down. It reached a stage comparable with casual drinking - the odd night in the week if feeling particularly stressed and/or the odd weekend night out (or in)

When I met my partner, she was riding alongside. Unfortuantely, however, whilst out on her own one night and with a bunch of people who had just got hold of some v strong weed (skunk) she had what can only be described as "Cannabis Psychosis" She was seeing devils, evil, became paranoid for days. Once re-grounded she vowed never to smoke "that evil stuff" again.
I vowed, not to smoke it around her - and if I really wanted a puff I would either leave it until after she went to bed, and at worst go down the bottom of the garden.
One Spring, I was growing my own - never really like buying the stuff off a dealer - and she said how much she approved of this and in fact said how much she loved the look of the plants. Summer came and went and I harvested the crop (prob about 50g max)
One evening, after a particularly stressful day (Friday), our 3 yr old daughter was fast asleep - and as often happened my partner appeared to have fallen asleep with her too - I decided to have a smoke.
Ahh......bliss -peace, quiet, relaxed.
About 30 mins later I heard our daughter crying and popped into her room and settled her back down to sleep -no worries.
When I got back downstairs, however I saw my very stern, angry looking, arm folded partner who quite out of the blue, just said "What the hell do you think you are doing, going near our daughter in that state?"
Erm......Ok! Looks like we need a conversation about this at some point -prob not now though!
I think I said that I didn't think it would be a problem, please calm down, if it bothers you that much, I won't until we have a proper chat about it, etc.....
The response was categorical: You must promise me right now that you will never smoke that stuff again or else I will take your daughter away from you!
Wow! I bit heavy - and a bit sudden!
Yes I think I know what may have been going on - She was remembering her own experience, and as a mother should, felt she was protecting our daughter.
I repeated the "I won't until we have had a chat about it"
"I dont want to talk about it" - promise me NOW, I dont want a drug addict around my daughter!

Now, just to put a little more context to this situation:

I hadn't actually smoked in about a year (It is really not that important to me!) however in the last 3 months: My Nan had died, my mother had been diagnosed with rapid onset dementure and my father had suffered a massive heart attack and was recovering from triple bypass and double valve replacement surgery and dealing with all of it was frankly - just me! (My siblings were spread around the world at this point)

This situation did get rather worse with my partner making more threats, calling the police around (it probably didn't help her perception, when they came and did nothing and put it down to a domestic dispute)

Things have settled down now - but the whole subject it just a no go area - I've made some assurances, but haven't committed to giving it up forever, she has reluctantly let it go - but the subject in banned and even if it pops up in normal conversation (even if it is others' conversation, or something on the tv) her mood will be visibly impacted.

Right - now the question: Is the cannabis the real problem here?


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## axw

WhirlyGig said:


> I dont think anyone would deny that Substance Abuse - no matter what that substance was (Alcohol, Cannabis, Cocaine, Pain Meds, Sleeping Pills) is harmful -pretty much to everything that's alive - including a relationship.


I think this is the key here. My wife and I do smoke together, and only together. We do it responsibly (yes you can partake in responsible drug use). The point is that we have set boundaries and it is not all-consuming for either one of us.

One of the biggest problems is that people don't always see the real issues and tend to lay blame on the wrong thing. ANYTHING can be abused! It doesn't have to be just limited to the above abused items that WhirlyGig mentions. Fast food can be abused! However because it's legal and socially acceptable, people don't realize the real implications. Well people are starting to, but how long has it taken? What about television addiction? Porn addiction? There are SO MANY things that can take away from marriage. And although this adage is old and worn out, it is truthful - the key to everything is moderation.

I read about couples whose marriage is in shambles because one partner would rather watch porn than have sex, and on the flip side, I read about couples who occasionally use porn to spice things up. I'm not making an argument for or against porn here, I'm just pointing out the moderation in the latter example.

Don't get me wrong - couples can abuse ANYTHING together and are probably going to have problems. The minute one or both partners makes something a priority over the other partner, it becomes an issue. I'm not saying it's OK for a married couple to go out and get high every single day to the point that it affects their jobs, kids, etc, but because they're doing it together, it's OK. That clearly isn't moderated use. But to answer the OPs question "Anyone of you in a long term relationship smoke weed?" - and I'm going to infer that it means "in a successful relationship" then the answer is yes, in moderated use. I doubt that if I or my wife (or both) had an addiction to pot would I be able to answer the same.


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## VeryShyGirl

My husband and I have been together for 8 years now, VERY HAPPILY MARRIED. I feel blessed to have such an awesome relationship.

He doesn't smoke at all. I do. It has NEVER caused problems and that is the truth. Through the years I've come to understand why I am attracted to it and seriously believe it is a more natural way (along with lots of strenuous exercise) to combat my depressive tendencies. I've smoked pot for years and posess a PhD in Physics... pot has not ruined me or my marriage by any stretch of the imagination.


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## itzachicken

Yes it can destroy relationships....particularity if you have different values in this area


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## ScarletBegonias

My husband and I enjoy weed whether we're vaping it or smoking it.Neither person smokes cigarettes and we aren't drinkers and we don't consume other drugs.
There are rules and limits to our consumption just like with every thing else in life.He enjoys weed for the all around taste and mellow feeling while I'm not big on the taste but just enjoy the super relaxed feeling as well as how awesomely it calms the pain from my IBS

You have to have an agreement both people can live with and respect.I would take serious issue with my husband pulling a wake n bake before work while he doesn't like me to puff down while he's not around. These are boundaries we chose and had serious communication about at the beginning of our relationship.
Weed can drag you down and make you useless if you let it.Just like with alcohol you have to be smart about your consumption.


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## lewmin

I stopped at age 22. I'm 57 now. For me (and many others of my era) it was just a phase and was fun at the time. Most of those who I knew who continued to smoke regularly underachieved. I achieved things that I believe would not have happened if I kept smoking dope. Running marathons, hiking mountains, MBA and post MBA, Executive, Professor, Writer. For me personally, I really think pot would have held me back and gotten in my way.

But the biggest thing I found is when I stopped and I attended parties or other gatherings where I was straight and people were high, it's amazing how insane some of the conversations were. For those that still smoke, try going to a gatheirng straight, when others are high. It's pretty funny. 

When I used it way back when, it was $30/oz. Now I understand it's $300/0z, or more! It just seems to me that there are so many better ways to have a good time with your money. 

With all that said, I think it should be legal and here is why. Alcohol is legal and so are cigarettes. Those two contribute to bad health and death much more than pot does. So, if my kids came to me and said they are having trouble with pot, I wouldn't be thrilled..but it would be better than finding out that alcohol or a pack a day cigarette habit was a problem.


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## Esco

johnjohn said:


> I'm wondering because my fiance doesnt want me to, not because she doesnt like weed but because she feels it'll ruin our relationship. I'm only 24, I like to do it occasionally with friends. I'm not looking for people to tell me to stop or that its illegal, its legal here. So any of you smoke?


I used to smoke weed daily from High school till college. I stooped around 23 when I actually started working. I still do it occasionally about maybe 4-5 times year.

I don’t see anything wrong with smoking weed. Considering alcohol and tobacco are legal yet you can argue are far more dangerous, the prohibition on marijuana is kind of stupid.


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## Wing Man

johnjohn said:


> I'm wondering because my fiance doesnt want me to, not because she doesnt like weed but because she feels it'll ruin our relationship. I'm only 24, I like to do it occasionally with friends. I'm not looking for people to tell me to stop or that its illegal, its legal here. So any of you smoke?


Smoked it everyday for about 10 years but took my last toke in 1995 long before I met my wife, and she made it clear from the start that she won't tolerate drugs - alcoholism - or cheating; so it's a good thing I was already done with my getting high and that part of my life.


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## soulseer

Just to add my voice I also have many married friends who smoke pot. I have not picked up any noticable difference in their relationships compared to other married friends who drink.

However if one partner does not enjoy a personal habit of the other its bound to cause friction till it is resolved amicably.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wing Man

soulseer said:


> Just to add my voice I also have many married friends who smoke pot. I have not picked up any noticable difference in their relationships compared to other married friends who drink.
> 
> However if one partner does not enjoy a personal habit of the other its bound to cause friction till it is resolved amicably.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True; and I am not a big drinker myself but dated someone who began drinking a lot and it did cause friction and we did finally break up(over that and a few other things).


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## marshmallow

I smoke, he doesn't (not because he wouldn't like to, but because of drug testing in his area of work). We have zero issues. I am 32, he is 28, and we've been together for nearly five years (which I realize is on the lower end of the TAM userbase, haha).

I feel like I should mention it's legal here, and will probably be sold in dispensaries by the end of next year.


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## Wing Man

marshmallow said:


> I smoke, he doesn't (not because he wouldn't like to, but because of drug testing in his area of work). We have zero issues. I am 32, he is 28, and we've been together for nearly five years (which I realize is on the lower end of the TAM userbase, haha).
> 
> I feel like I should mention it's legal here, and will probably be sold in dispensaries by the end of next year.


That's another thing; I work for a lab that does drug screenings so we get pop tested once a year every year, so it's a good thing I quit all of my old habits many many years ago.


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