# Scared and in Pain



## Scared121 (Dec 4, 2012)

My wife and I have been separated for about 2.5 weeks, married close to 10 years. We have 3 children, 5, 8, and 9. Since then I have been staying with family and trying to cope, but it's going horribly. I was a very needy/dependent husband, we argued a lot, and I was incredibly mean spirited when things didn't go my way. But we had a lot of amazing times as well. This all lead over the years to the threat of separation/divorce several times but we always managed to work through until now.

First, I was a stay at home dad for the better part of the past 4 years, so I babysat for several people, and since we still need that money I still have to go to the house and spend 10-12 hours some days watching my 3 children and the babysitting kids. The pain is horrible being there seeing our home, all of my stuff is still there and the house is the same as the day I left.

Second, She doesn't know if she wants to try and work on it, or just get a divorce and that's why all my things are still there. I only took some clothes/bedding. She says she just doesn't know what she wants to do, or if she can trust me to do what I need to do, like be nicer, help more around the house, and stuff. I have since separated found a job, and start next week, she says she will figure out the babysitting situation, seems happy about the job, but says its not the deciding factor about us.

Third, We are getting along OK at the moment, she tells me about work and stuff, we still say I love you, kiss, and such when I leave. Just not around the kids. I text her good morning and good night and other than specific questions or kid related stuff not about us, I don't contact her.

At this point I don't know what to do. I'm in therapy, shes not interesting at this time. Being there and seeing her so much is killing me. Its almost every day at some points. I can't sleep, eat, or enjoy anything. And all the Christmas music and stuff just drags me down even further as this was always our favorite time of year. 

She has a male friend that she swears nothing happens with and that he just helps watch the kids when I can't or hangs out and watches a show. However, I watched the kids so she could grocery shop and she lied about him going with her. She fessed up immediately when pressed and I let it slide. I don't think there's anything there, he was a friend before all this and would hang out and such.

Basically, I just need help, please. I want her back more than anything in the world, but this middle of not knowing even she even wants to TRY is horrible. Thanks for any help.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

Im sorry you have joined our club scared.
But you'll have a lot of support here. Just reach out.

The 'male friend' in your WW's life concerns me. Is there any chance you can get cell records? 

Also there is a great little thing in here called the 180.. it will help you get stronger and usually the side benefit is that your wife will be curious about you.

I'd be investigating the friend though...I smell smoke there.

You have to try and look after you now....get stronger...and I know how easy it is to write that and not feel like that's an option. But many of us have been right where you are now and things will get better. 

Take care. God Bless


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## Scared121 (Dec 4, 2012)

Thanks for the advice, I have been carefully watching the male friend situation. To make the situation even stranger, he actually started as a friend of my mothers that is staying with her a while because he lost his home. He's mine and my wife's age, not my mothers age. My mom lives across the street from the home I was kicked out of, and he is still staying on her couch. So I don't think she would do anything with her that close, and I don't think she would anyway.

I have been looking at the 180 and have tried it to a degree. If I act even remotely not interested in her she gets angry and starts asking why I am so down or what is going on. Not sure if I should continue the 180 or what.

My wife just seems so undecided on everything. She doesn't even want to talk about our problems, won't start any counseling or even work on our issues, but won't say she wants a divorce either. I know it's only been 2.5 weeks, I am just struggling to be alone. We got married when I was 18 and she was 22. We are now 28 and 32, she's the only adult relationship I have ever had. I honestly grew up with her as my wife, which also caused some of the problems, because we weren't ready.

Thanks for the support, I am trying my hardest to keep it together, while getting ready to start a new job next week and we won't see each other all week because training is 2nd shift and she works 1st shift at her job. Once training is over I will be on 1st shift and most likely helping with the kids after work. I don't mind watching the kids or helping with the babysitting, since it is my contribution to the family income right now, just being there so much makes it hard to be strong and not get sad or emotional.


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## Scared121 (Dec 4, 2012)

Just an update. Not much has changed. She still doesn't know what she wants. So I am going to start a 100% 180 because the way it is going right now is complete emotional hell.

The male friend situation hasn't changed much, he hasn't really been around lately.

I have been at the house helping with either my children and our babysitting kids 11 days in a row. Seeing it and her so much is making it hard to be happy at all. I start a job Monday where I won't see her or the kids for 5 days straight. 

She also has a lot of decisions to make before then since we will have to possibly stop babysitting if I am working and not at home. It is a good chunk of our income too. This may force at least a partial decision from her, but I don't know what to expect.


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