# I am in Limbo, please help



## Wounded1 (Apr 6, 2016)

Hi, I am new here. I have joined many forums on infidelity and I just found affaircare and something touched me and spoke to me - not just from a secular point of view but even from a Godly viewpoint. this is my story and hope that you all can help me with my situation. 

I am a 35 year old woman with three small children oldest 6,4,2. I have been married for 10 years. 

I just found out on the 28th December 2015 that my husband had been sexually intimate with two women and had even fathered a child with one of them (this child is now 1and a half , and was conceived one week after I delivered my last child). 

My husband confessed all this to me, he said that he told me because he had finished school and didnt want any stress and it was time to be a family again. 


I know that everyone is saying hunh?

Background. 

signs of the end - that i should not have overlooked
- I caught him sexting and he lied and said it was someone he just met on the internet - he eventually admitted she was an ex Girlfriend and I demanded he stop contact (which i later found out he hadnt)
- started hiding his phone
after this episode husband decided to go to school when my first born was about 2years old, this was in another town and by this time I was basically feeling that I was not married- he loved his phone more than me. he used to visit every two weeks finding me upset because it was usually he calls tells me he is coming and then he doesnt, or breaks his promises in one way or another - suffice to stay the marriage was one big mess. His school lasted four years. 

:frown2:I am confused, He basically initially blamed me for the affair because I didnt follow him to the town where the school was taking place. then he claims he cheated because he was in a low point morally, then he says he is remorseful and wants to change. He has not committed to NO CONTACT except by word of mouth, he is not committed to transparency and has days where he still hides his phones. (my latest reaction to this is talk to me when you can be honest). 

Oh and we are both Christians. other websites advised that exposure is the way. This time i did ask for support adn told my parents. I just found out that his whole family and cousins knows about this and about the other child and noone told me!

Please help me. he wants to be with me and the family, in my heart my biggest fear is that he wants it to go away , have a wife adn a guilty secret. or he just doesnt want to feel.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Yes, he wants you and his other women. This is a very common approach called "cake eating".

The bad news is that there is nothing you can do to change him. Of course he could change if he wanted to, but there is no evidence that he wants to.

Could you support yourself and your children if you left him?


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

What are his consequences? Because you have done nothing about this he believes it is ok for him to keep doing this. He has fathered another baby with another woman. He won't adhere to NC and transparency. He is the classic cake eater and he is very much blame shifting and rationalizing. 

Now, I'm sure you take your vows seriously; however, where do you draw the line? Because it sounds like you are in a one sided open marriage.


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## Wounded1 (Apr 6, 2016)

I supported myself and my kids while he was at school, so it is not the monetary inducement.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Wounded1 said:


> Hi, I am new here. I have joined many forums on infidelity and I just found affaircare and something touched me and spoke to me - not just from a secular point of view but even from a Godly viewpoint. this is my story and hope that you all can help me with my situation.
> 
> I am a 35 year old woman with three small children oldest 6,4,2. I have been married for 10 years.
> 
> ...


Affaircare has a plan called The 180. Learn it, know it, live it. I am trying to do so myself. It will help you even if it doesn't feel like it at the beginning. Now, do not let him rewrite history or blame you-he is totally at fault in all ways. He claims it is because you did not move away with him-if you had we would have invented another excuse to cheat. That is just the way it is. The cheaters try to make it seem like we, the Betrayed Spouses, are somehow at fault. Mine said I was not making her feel loved and wanted and it took me some time to realize that was bullshyte. She chose to screw another man, plain and simple. The same goes for your Wayward Husband. Sounds to me like he wants all the perks of being married but none of the responsibilities. He has had more affairs than this, I am certain. This is just what he has been casught at...

If you can; clean out the bank account, send him to a cheap motel, call a lawyer and get the ball rolling on divorce. Marriage counseling is a possibility but I sincerely doubt he would give a shyte about that. Besides, he has a child with the AP. There is going to be more drama than you need to contend with right now.

Good luck and we are here for you!


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## Wounded1 (Apr 6, 2016)

Thank you for the advice - I have checked out the 180! I love it. I have been doing some of those things - but always slip up. I am going to do it starting now!


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

SoulCrushed16 said:


> What are his consequences? Because you have done nothing about this he believes it is ok for him to keep doing this. He has fathered another baby with another woman. He won't adhere to NC and transparency. He is the classic cake eater and he is very much blame shifting and rationalizing.
> 
> Now, I'm sure you take your vows seriously; however, where do you draw the line? Because it sounds like you are in a one sided open marriage.


Amen, like it was posted above; "eating cake." This guy needs to be kicked to the curb right away! I just don't get that mentality...


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Wounded1 said:


> Thank you for the advice - I have checked out the 180! I love it. I have been doing some of those things - but always slip up. I am going to do it starting now!


Affaircare is a genius, this will help you. You can always PM if you need one on one with any of us. We are here to help and support each other, after all.


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## Wounded1 (Apr 6, 2016)

I think that I am numbed to the pain and don't know how to behave and I am tempted to bash him on the head and scream and make ultimatums. but there is the whole feeling of distrust, and jaundiced aspect(I don't believe anything he says). So actually doing something gives me purpose in restoring my 'marriage'. It seems that he wants to still portray the good and loving husband to people before the mess hits the fan and his affair is exposed - in this way he still comes out smelling of roses. That goes a bit far, but...anyway I am biased already.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Wounded,

Limbo is not where you want to be, and you do have the power to get out of limbo. But it starts with getting out of denial ( sounds like you are almost there), and letting anger set in for the disrespect he is showing you. 
Someone mentioned "cake eating", and that is exactly what he is doing and wants to continue to do. If he is still hiding his phone and not being transparent on his whereabouts and who he is with, then he is certainly still in contact with these women or more that you do not know about.
The fact that his family knows about this and seems to be fine with it is terrible. M Ost often recommended advice is to insist on cutting ties with those that are not friends of the marriage, which none of these folks are.
You will get out of limbo when
(1) you see an attorney to find out your specific rights
(2) have divorce papers PREPARED
(3) notify the wives or gorilfriends of these women. That is the quickest way to stop an affair
(4) demand NO CONTACT that is verifiable, not his word, which does not mean say it right now

Your husband is a serial cheater or a sex addict. But do not waste your money on therapy until you are sure he is not still cheating.

You have more power than you realize but only you can exert it.

Lastly, on the 180, it is not meant to win him back, and in your case if you give him too much space you will not find out anything that you need to know.

Your husband has to BELIEVE that YOU refuse to share him with other women and be in an open marriage that you did not sign up for. Right now, he has had no consequences.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Your husband is a philanderer...a serial cheater. Men like him are scorpions. They sting. It is in their nature. Christian or not, he is not going to change and you cannot help him. 

You have every Biblical and ethical right to divorce him and move on with your life. I suggest you do so.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Wounded,

Given that he was with 2 women, at a minimum, you need to have him write out a timeline with everything that happened, to the level of detail YOU require, not the level of detail HE is willing to give. Some people don't want the sexual details, but want to know about statements of love and commitment for example. For others it is vice versa. 

Once you have that it's time for a polygraph, it's time for him to cough up his other lies.

Exposure is a must in this case to prevent him from going back to this behavior, his blaming YOU for this affair is an indication that he does not get it.

Tamat


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Wounded1 said:


> *I am confused*, He basically initially blamed me for the affair because I didnt follow him to the town where the school was taking place. then he claims he cheated because he was in a low point morally, then he says he is remorseful and wants to change. He has not committed to NO CONTACT except by word of mouth, he is not committed to transparency and has days where he still hides his phones. (my latest reaction to this is talk to me when you can be honest).


No need to be confused dear.

He is a non-remorseful serial cheater with an illegitimate love child. That's about as bad as it gets.

You would be well advised to divorce him and find a man that can be faithful to you.


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

Wounded1 said:


> I think that I am numbed to the pain and don't know how to behave and I am tempted to bash him on the head and scream and make ultimatums. but there is the whole feeling of distrust, and jaundiced aspect(I don't believe anything he says). So actually doing something gives me purpose in restoring my 'marriage'. It seems that he wants to still portray the good and loving husband to people before the mess hits the fan and his affair is exposed - in this way he still comes out smelling of roses. That goes a bit far, but...anyway I am biased already.


Use your numbness and pain to do the 180. It definitely is not easy but it will give you a clear head to make sound decisions. You have children to think about. Is this the kind of picture you want them to see? I wasn't willing to allow my son to grow up with the dysfunction that's my husband and his family so I served him with divorce papers. He FREAKED and is now bending over backwards to fix his steaming pile of mess. Divorce precedings can always be stopped if need be. 

Expose him, shout it from the roof tops if you need to. Don't allow him to walk away from this without any sort of consequence. Tell him to pack his sh1t and move out with his new baby momma so you can have some thinking space.


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Your husband is a philanderer...a serial cheater. Men like him are scorpions. They sting. It is in their nature. Christian or not, he is not going to change and you cannot help him.
> 
> You have every Biblical and ethical right to divorce him and move on with your life. I suggest you do so.


Sadly I agree with Bandit. He fathered another child for crying out loud. This obviously didn't faze him. If you're ok with your husband fathering another child that's not yours then I guess stay and work it out. Yes, the baby is innocent in all of this but will you be able to live with this?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce.soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep serial cheater. He'll never stop. He and his family are low class scum. Move on from this and get as much child support and alimony as you can. Financing is important for you and your children. Be ruthless here. Follow your head and not your heart.

There is no excuse for being that low down. His family isn't any better.

Christian???? Yeah right. More like the spawn of satan is what he is. Do not raise your children around that mess.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Bad behavior continues with out consequences!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When your kids are 16,14, and 12 were do you see your husband and has he affair proofed the marriage?

In short.....will he do this again?

Your old man is really giving you the shaft cuz the money he could apply to you and yours now has to go to another women and her bastard....hell ten years from now it could be a couple of more bastards he has to fork over money to while you and your are scraping by and taking the bus to the food bank?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I think I must have overlooked that chapter in the bible where God says it's perfectly fine to get married, then abandon your wife and children for four years without any financial or emotional support, and then go have multiple affairs and babies with other women.


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## Wounded1 (Apr 6, 2016)

To all who have commented and to all who are reading I thank you. Your comments have helped me - a different perspective to what I have. I started the 180 in earnest yesterday, but before that I had told him that I couldnt be bothered to speak to him if he couldnt be bothered to be honest. yesterday he told me that he was offered a job about 50 miles from our home, and commuting would be to troublesome, so I told him that we would move...

whyme66, thank you for the offer and I will definately take you up on that.


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## Homer j (Jan 6, 2016)

You need to checked to make sure he didn't give you any cooties if you catch my drift.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Wounded1 said:


> I think that I am numbed to the pain and don't know how to behave and I am tempted to bash him on the head and scream and make ultimatums. but there is the whole feeling of distrust, and jaundiced aspect(I don't believe anything he says). So actually doing something gives me purpose in restoring my 'marriage'. It seems that he wants to still portray the good and loving husband to people before the mess hits the fan and his affair is exposed - in this way he still comes out smelling of roses. That goes a bit far, but...anyway I am biased already.


Sorry you are in this position. You have been far too easy on him. You need to be prepared to lose this marriage to save it. Your H is a serial cheater who brings nothing to the table, you even financially support you family! AND he is NOT a Christian by any means. 

1. Start the 180 immediately
2. Go for own IC to help you through this
3. Expose him to both families and friends. Do not cover for him. Shame creates accountability, let him deal with the fall out
4. Rely on your family and friends for support- those who will support you regardless of what you decide to do
5. Go see a lawyer just for a consultation on your options
6. Tell your WH you require NC, details of the OWs, all passwords, etc, checking on regular basis, complete transparency, if he cannot do this then he can move out, follow through
7. Consider MC

A man like this is probably not worth your time, you really have to get yourself strong to stand up for yourself and stop being treated like this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Wounded1 said:


> To all who have commented and to all who are reading I thank you. Your comments have helped me - a different perspective to what I have. I started the 180 in earnest yesterday, but before that I had told him that I couldnt be bothered to speak to him if he couldnt be bothered to be honest. yesterday he told me that he was offered a job about 50 miles from our home, and commuting would be to troublesome, so I told him that we would move...
> 
> whyme66, thank you for the offer and I will definately take you up on that.


I am sorry but he is making excuses to be free to do what he wants. Divorce him. There is no remorse at all. If he cared about what he has done to you he would bend over backwards to make it right. Do not move away from your family and friends for this man, he does not at this point deserve any commitment from you to do anything. He has to make things right, I do not think he will. Get the papers ready, show him you mean business.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Wounded1 said:


> yesterday he told me that he was offered a job about 50 miles from our home, and commuting would be to troublesome, so I told him that we would move...


Wounded I'm sorry, but agreeing to that so quickly was a huge mistake. That's all but telling him that D is off the table; and he can take a sigh of relief. 

I don't agree with your decision to R, but if you attempt it, at least make him prove that he's remorseful. Give him consequences to accept. Ahead of that, there first needs to be some uncertainty in his mind about your decision. He needs to understand that sinking feeling of losing his wife for cheating on her. That's one of the consequences he needs to experience, among many others.

Don't rug sweep this. You'll regret it.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Please don't let your Hamster Wheel spin inside your head, trying to make sense and rationalize all the thoughts your thinking. 

You really need to take some time to dissociate your thought process enough to think logically, and not emotionally. Yes, it seems impossible right now, but with the 180 you can reach that point. That's what it's for. 

Most of us have been here. And with some time, you can eventually reach that point. You really need to think about protecting you and yours with a clear mind.

Im all for reconciliation. I think we can become stronger because of it. But it's not for everyone. And sometimes, it's not possible. But don't cave in to your boundaries out of fear. Reach that pint of logical thought before you make that decision. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Please get STD tested. You really need to look out for yourself. Your husband conceived a child with another woman a week after you gave birth? Did I read that right? If he was sleeping with other women AND you while you were pregnant, then he was very well exposing you and your unborn baby to STDs.

THINK about that. What kind of person risks the health of his wife and unborn child? A very selfish person.


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## Wounded1 (Apr 6, 2016)

badmemory said:


> Wounded I'm sorry, but agreeing to that so quickly was a huge mistake. That's all but telling him that D is off the table; and he can take a sigh of relief.
> 
> Hi badmemory, I dont think that me coming to live with him is a relief - because it cuts the finances by 50%. I was forcing his hand to man up. and it worked because he has now come back and said he will wait for a proper job placement in town.
> 
> ...


This time after the confession, I exposed to my friends and family. In our culture, when a man is accused of fathering a child, he is summoned to the womans home and the elders in her community hear the 'deal' or whatever. If it is a married man who has made her pregnant , the mans family has to basically take the matter to the wife and basically admit the wrongdoing and ask her for forgiveness and a plan of how to proceed. 



alphaomega said:


> Please don't let your Hamster Wheel spin inside your head, trying to make sense and rationalize all the thoughts your thinking.
> 
> You really need to take some time to dissociate your thought process enough to think logically, and not emotionally. Yes, it seems impossible right now, but with the 180 you can reach that point. That's what it's for.
> 
> ...


thank you, there is a lot of information and processing it is making me go crazy. 



Satya said:


> Please get STD tested. You really need to look out for yourself. Your husband conceived a child with another woman a week after you gave birth? Did I read that right? If he was sleeping with other women AND you while you were pregnant, then he was very well exposing you and your unborn baby to STDs.
> 
> THINK about that. What kind of person risks the health of his wife and unborn child? A very selfish person.


my thoughts exactly, unfortunately his school band of friends are all of similar character. yes mom - I have been checked:grin2:


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## Wounded1 (Apr 6, 2016)

Sorry for the late responses - the time difference is about 7 hours.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Wounded1 said:


> yes mom - I have been checked:grin2:


Honesty not trying to mom you. I'm very proud you're standing up for yourself. Very often here, the betrayed are so lost and overwhelmed, they don't think very straight. It's hard to do when you're in the middle of crazy. It was hard for me a long time ago. Keep us updated!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

As others have said, he is an unremorseful serial cheater. He is very unlikely to remain faithful to you. I don't think there are enough "consequences" in the world to cover years of adultery and a bastard child.

Speaking of children, is this "man" the example you want your sons and daughters to emulate? Your sons will grow up to be like him and your daughters will grow up to marry men like him.

From a religious standpoint, you have legitimate reasons to divorce. Adultery is generally accepted by Christians as a valid reason to divorce. Even the Catholic Church would likely investigate the marriage and find it to be null on so many grounds I can see just in your original post. I understand that a good, Christian, man could fall and make a terrible mistake, but this "man" did NOT fall and make a terrible mistake. He made a series of choices with at least 2 different women, that you know of. And he was so irresponsible about it that he impregnated one of them, that you know of.

I'm echoing the other posters. You're capable of supporting yourself and children. You have no need of this "man" or his Pit Viper family. Do NOT move. Tell him he's free to go, file for divorce, and end this sham marriage.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

The 180 isa good start. This is another very good link to on how to work it Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums. 

You need to understand DARVO, deny and attack, reverse victim and offender. His reaction that your actions made him cheat is classic reverse victim and offender Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums

Do you currently live near you family? If so do not move he trying to isolate you. 50 miles is nothing. Do you have any idea how many people commute from PA to NYC ?


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

I can fully understand how you feel right now. Infidelity destroys marriages but fathering another child while you were pregnant is beyond destructive.

Think of the financial cost to your children as he supports this other child. How will you handle Christmas's and Easters? Will he want to celebrate with "all" his children together. This is infidelity you will have to stare in the face literally as long as you stay married. 

Your decision is your decision but you need to take into consideration what your future will look like with another child not of you and how it will affect your children.


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## Wounded1 (Apr 6, 2016)

Thank you. 
@Satya - I was glad, sometimes we need someone to mom us
@JohnA - my family is spread out in different countries, so it is me, my girlfriends ( I have 3 whose counsel I consider) and the church

update: We had a first session with an elder from my church and I am making an appointment with a lawyer this week. It was an eyeopener for him because the elder basically told him off. that in this he has no leg to stand on and justification is wrong. We are still not talking beyond me answering questions with short phrases (the 180).


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I think I must have overlooked that chapter in the bible where God says it's perfectly fine to get married, then abandon your wife and children for four years without any financial or emotional support, and then go have multiple affairs and babies with other women.


Here below is one verse from the Bible that fits this so-called Christian that has multiple betrayals.

1 Timothy 5
8 But anyone who won’t care for his own relatives when they need help, especially those living in his own family, has no right to say he is a Christian. Such a person is worse than the heathen.



Wounded1
I want to encourage you to do everything that you can to build yourself up without allowing your husband to interfere or be involved in your life in any way. He has proven many times for years that he cares for his own selfish sins more than he does his wife and children. Follow your faith, get help form strong and loving Christians, and do everything for your betterment and for your children. You will suffer, you will cry, it will be very hard for a long time, but i*n the end all things will work together for your good.*


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

OP, 
How are you?


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## Wounded1 (Apr 6, 2016)

Hi Soul Crushed, 

I am fine. I have an appointment with a lawyer for tomorrow. I am doing the 180 and I feel better. we have talked and we are blocking his phone numbers (changing numbers today). I am not relying on his honesty for my joy. I have decided not to do anything as long as the hamster wheel is spinning. Fasting and praying and exercising


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

Fasting and exercising is a double whammy. I am so sorry for the incredible pain your husband has inflicted on you, Wounded1. You didn't deserve any of it.


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

Wounded1 said:


> Hi Soul Crushed,
> 
> I am fine. I have an appointment with a lawyer for tomorrow. I am doing the 180 and I feel better. we have talked and we are blocking his phone numbers (changing numbers today). I am not relying on his honesty for my joy. I have decided not to do anything as long as the hamster wheel is spinning. Fasting and praying and exercising


So sorry for your pain Wounded1. One day at a time. The 180 does help you detach so you are able to think clearly. Also maybe you can look into IC? Would your religion allow this?


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## Wounded1 (Apr 6, 2016)

I haven't heard about IC? I would love to have more information about it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Really sorry to have you here Wounded1. Here are my thoughts on this matter:


Your husband is a cheating, lying, disrespectful, selfish, entitled lowlife. You are far better off without him. However, he should not be let off the hook when it comes to spousal and child support.


You need to get him out of your life. The 180 is a start but you should think about getting the divorce done asap. I don't know your community, but is there support for a divorced mother of three and victim of infidelity ? How would it impact your life going forward. Normally, I would say that there are many good men out there who would be glad to have a responsible and good person for a wife, but I don't know your particular community.


Certainly, do not move for this man. Especially if it means uprooting the children (school, friends, family etc). He should be doing for you not the other way round. His job is important only in that he should be paying child support to you (and might have to also pay the other woman). I am not sure where you stand on alimony if you earn more than him.


Am I right in assuming that you do not live in the USA or UK ?


Take care.


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## Wounded1 (Apr 6, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> Really sorry to have you here Wounded1. Here are my thoughts on this matter:
> 
> 
> Your husband is a cheating, lying, disrespectful, selfish, entitled lowlife. You are far better off without him. However, he should not be let off the hook when it comes to spousal and child support.
> ...


Thank you. No you are correct - I am not in the US or UK. Maintenance is a tricky business where I live in that you spend more fighting than you ever actually see. 

Support for divorcees and victims of infidelity is little if at all. Women are successful for carrying the marriage and any mishap is a sign of failure. (dont get me wrong - if I felt that way, I wouldnt be here asking for support). Its a bad place, and like many women in my country we present a face of having it together when we are dying inside.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am truly sorry to hear of the plight of women in your country. Its not fair but that is the way of the world in many countries.

What would happen if you divorced this man ? Would you receive flak from the community etc. ?

You need to get him out of your life as he doesn't seem to contribute anything and knows he can get away with murder!


Maybe you will find a better man (not that you need a man) ? What are the prospects of finding a better partner who will accept you with your kids ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Wounded1 said:


> I haven't heard about IC? I would love to have more information about it.


It means Individual Counselling. 

Which country are you in? I have country specific counselling links and will be able to post them for you.


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## Wounded1 (Apr 6, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> I am truly sorry to hear of the plight of women in your country. Its not fair but that is the way of the world in many countries.
> 
> What would happen if you divorced this man ? Would you receive flak from the community etc. ?
> 
> ...


I spoke to a lawyer the other day and she asked me a quesiton: would he be willing to let the kids go without a fight? and my gut answer is no. His family is supportive of him (basically it is a blood is thicker than water, large group with lots of influence). New spouse:surprise:? I am not thinking that far into the future...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Wounded you need to build up your own support network too. What have you got in place by way of support for yourself and your children?

What do you mean by he will fight for his children ? Will he demand sole custody ? Would he stand a chance given what he has done ? What are your country's laws on infidelity ?


As part of building you life afterwards you need to work on your self (hence Matt's suggestion for individual counselling as opposed to marriage counselling). You at some stage will need to go out there and socialise and hence my comment on finding a better person at some stage to be with.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Do not accept any advise telling you it is your christian duty to forgive and forget. While forgiveness and redemption are central to the christian faith, they are not a suicide pact. The RC church has destroyed their creditability by both allowing others to continue to molest children and/or blindly embracing forgiveness and redemption. In the RC case there are reasons for remote monasteries. In your case for divorce. 

As to moving will you be able to support yourself and your children in your new city? If not don't move.


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