# self esteem and confidence



## LemonLimeDrop (Jan 20, 2014)

I have zero self esteem and confidence in myself. How do you get high self esteem and confidence?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

No easy answer. Trace the deep sources of your low self-esteem, maybe through therapy or self-help books. Something made you feel that way, probably from the time you were very young. Go through the process of figuring out what it was. Feel it, think about it, reframe it. "That's not me, that's what someone else said about/did to me." etc. But it takes time.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

At the very beginning of my separation, I too asked myself that questions
Here are the wonderful responses I received 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/134514-how-do-i-boost-my-self-esteem.html

Good luck!


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

LemonLimeDrop said:


> I have zero self esteem and confidence in myself. How do you get high self esteem and confidence?


I am sorry. You must have been through a lot. Can you give more information about yourself? TAM has a lot of nice people. 
I am also struggling with my own self-esteem. I had zero self esteem in the past, but I am a little better now. 
What I did:
I stayed away from people who constantly put me down.
I left my ex 
I tell myself positive things daily
I read some spiritual books (something called A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom)
I studied something new (a language, a new skill, or anything I like). 
I worked. It helped me gain better social skills. 

I still have a long way to find personal freedom, but I will have to work hard to get there. Hopefully that day will come :scratchhead:

P/S: You are not alone. Please focus on positive things and learn to love yourself more, it will help. I will pray for you.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

LemonLimeDrop said:


> I have zero self esteem and confidence in myself. How do you get high self esteem and confidence?


The first thing you do is file for divorce from the freeloader. The second thing you do is file for support for your children. The third thing you do is get educated and get a job to support yourself.

When you get those things done I guarantee you will feel more confident and have a higher self esteem than you've ever had. 

No one can drag you down unless you allow them to do it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It doesn't happen overnight - it's a process. Numerous small accomplishments and successes help it grow, and before long you'll routinely accomplish things, and then some bigger things. You'll be confident that you can achieve them because you already have for other things, and that builds self esteem even more.

So, pick good things you can do now, do them, and keep at it.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Fake it 'till you make it. Science has proven that the act of smiling can improve your mood and make one happier, absent any external influences. Using the same principles, just start pretending to be the kind of person you want to be. Dress better. Eat better. Exercise. Talk to other people in the manner you wish you could.

At first, you will feel foolish and feel like you're faking everything. That's because you are faking everything. But, those actions will slowly start feeling more and more natural. Eventually, you can improve your basic personality.

Good luck.


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## DianeJiltz (Jan 19, 2014)

Sometimes having a lot of friends also build a lot of confidence because we need affirmation. 

Other than that, we need to be very passionate about something and excel at it..


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Here is nice little blog article I read today:

7 Things to Remember When You Think You’re Not Good Enough


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Start working out, and taking care of yourself. I was about 40 lbs over weight and now I'm looking good and feeling good.

I'm not saying you are over weight, but what I am saying is when you are in shape you feel better about yourself.

This is not the end all cure, but it helps. At least it helped me.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Building yourself into the person you want to be is very much like building a house and to be honest takes just as long as if you built a house by yourself. 

Don't start out going for a huge change (house) rather start with your foundations. Start basic but make them out of things you have knowledge of or are capable of learning. 

Once you have confidence in something you can back yourself up on expand (add your floor and a few walls) on it. 

As your confidence builds up on those additions continue to go back and check that what you think you know and are confident about are true. You don't want to build yourself up on a subject or cause that ultimately turns out to be a lost cause or misguided/misunderstood subject that has no true or foundations of it own. 

After that it's all investing your time.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Similar to what others have said:

Fake it 'til you make it. Positive daily affirmations: "I'm great, I'm wonderful, I'm a fantastic person etc. etc.

Work out/tone up if you are not already doing so.

Distance yourself from friends who put you down or take advantage of you.

Have boundaries up for family who run roughshod over you/put you down/expect you to acquiesce to their requests/demands.

Counselling. Take a co-dependent quiz off the internet and see if you are - and if you are: do something about it. Being co-dependent will make you miserable in all areas of your life. You can unlearn these behaviours. "Codependent No More" is a book I see recommended quite often. Look for it in your local library.

Do something nice for yourself every single day not matter how insignificant.

Value yourself and treat yourself as a highly valued and wonderful individual.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Be kind to yourself

Read a lot about changing yourself to become better

Surround yourself with POSITIVE people, avoid toxic people

Get enough rest, eat good, take vitamins, see your doctor for a full work up

Join a support group that can help you get through this

Take baby steps, it will take you a while to recover, the sun will come out again

Blessings and Good Luck!!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Stay away from TV, marketing and FaceBook/social media (or at least filter it from unrealistic lifestyles and attitudes...)

Every day do a little bit towards your goals, whatever your goals are.
Decide to be a friend to yourself. 
You are probably the sort of person who would help someone out who was in need. See yourself as that person, when someone else tries to help you, you will have also helped them by making their job easier.
Get organized. It is easy to forget what you are accomplishing when you can't see it. Maybe you want to establish a new habit, but you don't want anyone to know. Well, you can just make a little tick mark somewhere discrete with a pencil, every time you have a successful day with that new habit. Keep records. Research the best way to do something that might seem long term, and break it up into steps. Keep track of your progress.

Realize that every human has been plunked down onto the face of the earth without warning and has to deal with getting through their life. Nobody was born with the answers. Even those that are privileged are equally capable of f*cking up, and sometimes they do. 

Believe that every small positive action you take will multiply and return to you if not now then in the future. It does.

Pick one skill you can acquire right now using the resources that you have on hand (time and other) and work on it. 

If you need more money in your life, find small ways of reducing expenses if you can't earn it. Set aside the difference or understand thoroughly what it takes (or how little it may take) to live. It really doesn't take a lot to have a nice life...this coupled with limiting TV and social media will adjust your outlook on life, and what is success, and your chances of achieving success (as you define it.)

Keep yourself up appearance wise, with whatever resources you have (don't go overboard...) even if you never go anywhere. 

Try to give yourself a little fun every day. Whatever you enjoy, do a bit, just for you. Some days I like Scrabble (online) other days I like baking...or watching a movie...

If you are doing something nice for yourself and giving yourself some moments of relaxation and fun, it's easier to think more highly of yourself. It's the same as if someone else did that for you. But we're adults...so the chances are slim that someone will.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Small changes you can make right away to improve your self-esteem:

-Look yourself in the mirror at least 1x per day, smile, and say out loud, "LemonLimeDrop, you are ok exactly the way you are."

-Start every day by reading a positive affirmation out loud. The below website posts a new one every day:
Every Day Affirmations

-In the morning, meditate for 15 minutes. You won't believe how much this will improve your mood and focus. If you don't know how to meditate or find it very difficult, try Deepak Chopra's free guided meditation: 
21 Day Guided Meditation Series

-If you don't work out regularly - take ten minutes and stretch out your entire body. 

-Buy small inexpensive positive thought reminders. I have a river stone with "Believe in Yourself" engraved next to my bathroom soap dish. Makes me smile whenever I brush my teeth or wash my hands. 

-Get a new haircut, manicure, and outfit.

-If you find yourself feeling lonely or craving unhealthy attention - play with a pet, help a child or elderly person with a task, watch a funny video on youtube, or take a walk outside. 

-If you start having a negative thought pattern and find it hard to "break" imagine a really annoying sound like a cow mooing everytime you have that negative thought. It's very distracting in a good way. 

-End every day by writing down 3 things you are thankful for and one sentence that begins with "Today I am proud of myself because-" 

These are all small changes that can lead to big wonderful ones. Final thought:

"The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best." ~Epictetus


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Lots of good advice given here. I'm not sure of your exact situation, so I can only speak in general about self esteem, but happiness is a big factor with feeling good about yourself. Even bigger than actual circumstances. Starting with even small things that make you happy can build up and make a world of difference to boost how you feel about yourself. Simple things I can think of are pampering yourself in ways that relax you; it may be a bubble bath or a good movie or a glass of wine after work. Do this as often as you can. Eating right can really make a difference, even when it is just me I try to make myself a fun dinner and get veggies and fruit and it oddly enough gives me a bit of satisfaction if I'm feeling down. Working out is mentioned and I agree with that, and even if you don't have the desire to actually do a full blown workout ever, just taking a daily walk around your neighborhood in the early morning can be good for the body and the soul. Friends are important, if they are near then surround yourself with them as much as possible. If they are far then call them on a weekly basis.

Perhaps picking an activity to get involved in outside of work (if you work) can help you not only meet people but also feel accomplished. I've volunteered at animal shelters and libraries before. You could join a book club or help with habitat for humanity. I could really go on and on I suppose about things you could do, but that's really up to you! But just remember that happiness is the key to self esteem. Find people that are positive and make it a point to be around them more, and do things (even when they seem insignificant) that bring you happiness. Soon you will see a change in how you feel.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

IMO, it begins with honestly (but kindly) assessing ourselves and making positive changes, where necessary and taking good care of ourselves physically and mentally:-


Eat healthily


Lose any extra pounds we might be carrying


Exercise regularly


Get enough sleep


Take extra care with grooming and dressing


Take up a hobby


Learn something new (for example night classes / studying)


Keep up to date with current affairs


Surround ourselves with positive people who have similar values to our own


Practice living mindfully - Benefits of Mindfulness: Practices for Improving Emotional and Physical Well–Being


Keep a Success Journal, writing down all our daily successes (no matter how small - eg, tackling that long overdue pile of household admin or cycling/walking for an extra 10 minutes)


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

^ great suggestions! Healthier choices can lead to a healthier/more positive mind-set.

Be aware of your thoughts, words and then actions. You may need to 'catch' some of these in the moment, recognize, and then alter them, for the outcome you wish to have. If you can get to a place of aligning your thoughts, words and actions, then congruence can occur. I believe that living congruently is what helps us in being grounded. And in being grounded, is the foundation of have a sense of self.

Surrounding yourself with others who are positive, supportive and encouraging of you ...and for your ability to return that to them, is also important. This may even mean working towards a common goal together. Volunteering.

Small steps... doing things outside of your comfort zone. The more we do them, the stronger it makes us and the more we can be challenged and continue to grow. It's scary at first. Sometimes it's awkward and strange... but it's in the doing, regardless, that makes us resilient. And within resilience, is awareness, positivity, understanding, acceptance and other such traits that builds a foundation of self that can keep being built upon. These small steps outside of your comfort zone may start with adjusting your thoughts. Theory goes that thoughts lead to feelings lead to actions. If you challenge your own thought-process first... that in itself can be change enough to start you on a different path ~ and a path of congruence.

All the best to you.


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