# Age diff. not working



## smooshie (Dec 29, 2011)

My hubby's a little over 12 yrs older than me. We've been fighting way before we got married. We even tried celebrating our engagement before we got married 3 times coz every time we try to celebrate it, it just end up us fighting. We always fight and I can see why we do. I think it's our age differences. He's always constantly correcting how I should speak. He's always so quiet and every time I tell him stories, he's always rolling his eyes and has no interest at all. He's always sleepy eventhough he wakes up like 10-11am on weekends, he wakes up yawning and would fall asleep after eating breakfast/lunch and dinner and keep yawning thru out the day and night. He picks his nose (told him so many times not too) and he's a hypocrite telling our little girl not to pick her nose. Just tonight, we had a fight and I told him about our age diff. and he said that he'll change (heard this many times!) and then I started a conversation about a celebrity coz he ask who was that girl on tv and he started rolling his eyes telling me that he doesn't like stupid conversation like that ("intellectual"). I'm sick of this, he's nothing but an old fart to me! He's 42 and I just turned 30 and we've been tog. since I was 24 and I feel like he's just wasting my time.
Any advice? Thank you


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So why did you marry and have a baby with a guy you don't really like?

It's the age difference that is the issue. 42 year olds should not be tired all the time.

What about the way you speak does he correct?

About the celebrity thing. He asked who she is and you started an entire conversation about her. All he was looking for apparently was her name.

Why do you fight with him?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Its rather late to wake up on weekdays. Does he do night work. 
I suppose you are wasting your time. I dont know whats wrong with the way you speak, your writing is ok. I suppose he was married before. I dont think you should put it down to age. When he was your age was he different. You have a communication problem quite normal on here. What did you see in him when you married him. That he was more 'intellectual' than you.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

smooshie said:


> We've been fighting way before we got married. We even tried celebrating our engagement before we got married 3 times coz every time we try to celebrate it, it just end up us fighting.


What in the world made you think that a ring and marriage certificate would change either of your personalities?!?!?!?

You two were obviously not meant to be together, yet you did it anyway.
Now, you want everything to change.
This is what you married. This is also what he married.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Not trying to defend him...but guys dont typically want to talk about celebrities....

Picking his nose, being tired, correcting you that's all jerk behaviour.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well you knew he was like this since before you got married so...

Get into marriage counselling. Remember, you can't change him ever. You can only change the way you react to him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DanF said:


> What in the world made you think that a ring and marriage certificate would change either of your personalities?!?!?!?


:iagree::iagree:


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I'm 47 and when I hear women in their 20's talk I think to myself "There is no way I could relate to that conversation". Yes, younger women are very attractive but if I'm honest with myself I know that I would have to fake the non-sexual part of the relationship with someone in your age group. Wisdom, perspectives and interests change drastically as you mature. Women and men are already very different and when you add a big age gap I think it can be very difficult to carry on an honest relationship over the long term. When I see a guy in his 40's with a women in their 20's I know that guy is either very immature or just in it for the sex. There are exceptions as some women are very mature in their late 20's but I think its very rare. 

Fast forward 8 years. He will be 50 and you will be 38 and he's already showing signs of slowing down. Physically I'm a very different man at 47 then I was at 38. My muscle tone and endurance have dropped off significantly regardless of my workout regime. These physical changes lead to psychological changes. If your already doubting your relationship I think you don't have the type of bond that's required to overcome this age difference.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I seriously dated a man who was 15 years older than me. I was 28, he was 43.. We got engaged after our 3rd year and while planning the wedding, I realized just how OLD he is...mentally and phsycially.

The more time we truly spent together, the more I saw things I didn't want for my life. His tiredness. His lack of libido. His old skin (yes, I'm shallow). And I did the math. Now, I'm 35 and he's 50!!! We had good conversation, but looking back, I see he was very emotionally immature. He was educated, but still single/never married at 43...that says a LOT.

So....Holy crap. No.

I called off the wedding 4 months before it was supposed to take place and I never looked back. Sounds harsh, but we would have divorced anyway. 

So I know how you feel. I do suggest counseling for you and your husband and for you to just accept that this is what happens when you get older. You get tired. You get settled. Now, at 35, I find I LOVE being home....5 years ago, I never was home except the 4 nights a week I had my daughter. I was go go go!! Now, I'm happy and content to be home. 

Thankfully, my younger husband is somewhat of a homebody too. That works.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I seriously dated a man who was 15 years older than me. I was 28, he was 43.. We got engaged after our 3rd year and while planning the wedding, *I realized just how OLD he is*...mentally and phsycially.


:rofl: You crack me up, TG.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl: You crack me up, TG.


Well, it's TRUE! He was so old...and the closer I got to taking vows with him, the more the fog of romance lifted....and I wasn't liking what I was seeing.

I had a beautiful dress though...omg...wish I would have kept it.


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## smooshie (Dec 29, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> So why did you marry and have a baby with a guy you don't really like?
> 
> It's the age difference that is the issue. 42 year olds should not be tired all the time.
> 
> ...


He's a teacher and that's what he does for a living. 
I married him coz we were engaged and suddenly I was pregnant without knowing and he took responsibility for that. He convinced me to get married,called my dad on the phone that he'll take care of me and the baby,etc.. He's actually a good dad (we have 2 kids) but he has flaws and I'm assuming it's the age diff.?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

smooshie said:


> My hubby's a little over 12 yrs older than me. We've been fighting way before we got married. We even tried celebrating our engagement before we got married 3 times coz every time we try to celebrate it, it just end up us fighting. We always fight and I can see why we do. I think it's our age differences. He's always constantly correcting how I should speak. He's always so quiet and every time I tell him stories, he's always rolling his eyes and has no interest at all. He's always sleepy eventhough he wakes up like 10-11am on weekends, he wakes up yawning and would fall asleep after eating breakfast/lunch and dinner and keep yawning thru out the day and night. He picks his nose (told him so many times not too) and he's a hypocrite telling our little girl not to pick her nose. Just tonight, we had a fight and I told him about our age diff. and he said that he'll change (heard this many times!) and then I started a conversation about a celebrity coz he ask who was that girl on tv and he started rolling his eyes telling me that he doesn't like stupid conversation like that ("intellectual"). I'm sick of this, he's nothing but an old fart to me! He's 42 and I just turned 30 and we've been tog. since I was 24 and I feel like he's just wasting my time.
> Any advice? Thank you


The conflicts you describe do not seem to be age related, imho. I do think we have a problem with what may be considered respectful behavior, ie

constant correcting
rolling eyes
acting disinterested (even if you are)
negatively judging conversation content
picking one's nose
complaining about your spouse's age

would all seem disrespectful to me. 

I suggest starting with you both committing to treat each other respectfully with the same rules applying equally to each.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, the constant correcting is RUDE. Adults should NOT correct other adults. I don't give a crap how much it annoys you on how they talk.

My Hubs is an English learner. His first language is Spanish. He pronounces some words differently...but I have NEVER corrected him. Ever. It's just plain rude.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

As a guy staring down the barrel of his 40th B day y'all are not making me feel better.

Sorry for the thread jack.


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## 38m3kids (Sep 29, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> As a guy staring down the barrel of his 40th B day y'all are not making me feel better.
> 
> Sorry for the thread jack.


as another man pushing 40, and 15 months dday of my 30yr old wife's affair you just convinced me to file for AARP.


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## smooshie (Dec 29, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> I'm 47 and when I hear women in their 20's talk I think to myself "There is no way I could relate to that conversation". Yes, younger women are very attractive but if I'm honest with myself I know that I would have to fake the non-sexual part of the relationship with someone in your age group. Wisdom, perspectives and interests change drastically as you mature. Women and men are already very different and when you add a big age gap I think it can be very difficult to carry on an honest relationship over the long term. When I see a guy in his 40's with a women in their 20's I know that guy is either very immature or just in it for the sex. There are exceptions as some women are very mature in their late 20's but I think its very rare.
> 
> Fast forward 8 years. He will be 50 and you will be 38 and he's already showing signs of slowing down. Physically I'm a very different man at 47 then I was at 38. My muscle tone and endurance have dropped off significantly regardless of my workout regime. These physical changes lead to psychological changes. If your already doubting your relationship I think you don't have the type of bond that's required to overcome this age difference.



When I met him 6 yrs ago, he was very immature and still single at 36. I was 24 and he was 36 and we got along great. There were some fights inc. the engagement coz everytime we fought those days, it was all about him mentioning diff. girls that he's been with and how old they were (the ages were always 19-early 20's). I didn't think of our relationship going this serious (it was just whatever for me even the enagement) and infact we were almost over till we discovered that I was pregnant w/our first. He convinced me to get married. Fast forward, now, "he's not immature", he doesn't like to talk about anything, watch scary movies which I love(just an example), always sleepy,etc..
I don't complain when he watches Seinfeld/Frasier everynight eventhough I'm not a fan and sick of watching repeats. Told him last night when he told me that he doesn't like to talk about celebs then why was he watching Metallica documentary and telling me that he used to love their songs. Told him that he's a hypocrite! He was into punk when he was younger and I even still catch him listening to punk music on youtube once in a while. I let him watch that Metallica eventhough not my cup of tea. I don't even get to listen to my kind of music anymore coz he doesn't like it. He thinks they're stupid. Whenever I go out w/my sis and his bf and their friends who are the same age as me, I feel like I can talk to people that are actually listening to me and very interested to what I say and it can be anything. He's always encouraging me to go out w/ friends. Told him that he's an old fart.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> As a guy staring down the barrel of his 40th B day y'all are not making me feel better.
> 
> Sorry for the thread jack.


Sigma, dont' feel bad. Remember this is a thread about a younger wife saying the age diff she and her hubby have annoys her/etc. You are married and presumably to someone your own age so don't let this thread make ya feel bad, etc.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Smooshie (great name, btw), what are you planning to do?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My daughter's father is 38 and only dates women in their early 20s.

Says a lot. Ew. He's emotionally 15.

And Sigma, don't feel bad. 40 doesn't mean dead. Or unsexy. I'm 35 now and can see many 40s as attractive. I just couldn't see it when I was 28 and he was 43...that's a big gap. We'd NEVER be in the same decade together. Kinda weird. And he'd talk about things that happened (historically) and how he felt and I was liek, "dude...I was 4."


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## smooshie (Dec 29, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Smooshie (great name, btw), what are you planning to do?


Thanks we call our baby smooshie. Everytime we fight, he normally apologized and tries to change. I know he'll never change. Today, he told me he's doing all the chores,etc. I don't want to split up just coz of the age diff. but all I've been asking or complaining is his lack of interest and lack of energy. I feel like he can't keep up with me. Like Earnie and Bert. Told him many times that I feel like I don't have a life. He's always encouraging me to go out w/ friends but I'd rather spend my time w/ my kids and him because first of all they're all single and 2nd, everytime I go out with them, their single friends always try to hit on me eventhough I'm married. I'm gonna show him this thread and see what happens.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, he can't help growing older. We are all getting older.

He can, however, change how he relates to you...the correcting, not being interested, always saying he's tired...

Hope you get some good results


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## smooshie (Dec 29, 2011)

that_girl said:


> My daughter's father is 38 and only dates women in their early 20s.
> 
> Says a lot. Ew. He's emotionally 15.
> 
> And Sigma, don't feel bad. 40 doesn't mean dead. Or unsexy. I'm 35 now and can see many 40s as attractive. I just couldn't see it when I was 28 and he was 43...that's a big gap. We'd NEVER be in the same decade together. Kinda weird. And he'd talk about things that happened (historically) and how he felt and I was liek, "dude...I was 4."


Haha you're funny. He's exactly like that. He's always talking about things that was like in the 80's or 70's and I always say ewww I was only 2/3 when you went to see that, how come you didn't ask my parents to babysit me instead? He doesn't get offended when I joke like this though


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you considered going to Marriage Counselling?

LOL at the Bert & Ernie reference


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

smooshie said:


> When I met him 6 yrs ago, he was very immature and still single at 36. I was 24 and he was 36 and we got along great. There were some fights inc. the engagement coz everytime we fought those days, it was all about him mentioning diff. girls that he's been with and how old they were (the ages were always 19-early 20's). I didn't think of our relationship going this serious (it was just whatever for me even the enagement) and infact we were almost over till we discovered that I was pregnant w/our first. He convinced me to get married. Fast forward, now, "he's not immature", he doesn't like to talk about anything, watch scary movies which I love(just an example), always sleepy,etc..
> I don't complain when he watches Seinfeld/Frasier everynight eventhought I'm not a fan and sick of watching repeats. Told him last night when he told me that he doesn't like to talk about celebs that why was he watching Metallica documentary and telling me that he used to love their songs. Told him that he's a hypocrite! He was into punk when he was younger and I even still catch him listening to punk music on youtube once in a while. I let him watch that Metallica eventhough not my cup of tea. I don't even get to listen to my kind of music anymore coz he doesn't like it. He thinks they're stupid. Whenever I go out w/my sis and his bf and their friends who are the same age as me, I feel like I can talk to people that are actually listening to me and very interested to what I say and it doesn't matter what topic it is. He's always encouraging me to go out w/ friends. Told him that he's an old fart.



So funny. I hate scary movies since the outcome is so predictable. I also hate the idea of murder and can't seem to take pleasure in seeing it. My favorite sitcom: Seinfeld. Its funnier now then it was back in the day. I appreciate the irony better now and I like the nostalgia of it. Your husband may not be a hypocrite. He may have been into the punk scene because it was popular and a way to meet girls. I was into new wave in the early 80's but I laugh at that music now. I did it because my friends were into it and the dance clubs played it. I like classic rock more now then I did back in the day just like your husband. Its really timeless.However, I always dated women my age or women that were slightly older before I was married at 30. I didn't like the drama that younger women brought. I've also had a very mature look my whole life.

It sounds like you were vulnerable to being talked into marriage with the pregnancy and all. Its understandable given your age at the time. Your waking up now and can see things for what they actually are. Whatever you do don't cheat on him. It will hurt him and the* children*. Talk to your husband about it. Be honest with him and make mature decisions. I'm sorry for your predicament but I don't think your husband is a bad guy. If nose picking and popular culture disagreements are the worst thing he is doing then you're way ahead of some. Think cheating, alcoholism, drug addiction, unemployment, obesity, porn ect..


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I don't think calling him an "old fart" is helping the relationship. I suggest marriage counseling.... just for the communication factor. But also, Date Nite.... a commitment to just enjoy each other. Read up on "Love Languages" and "His Needs, Her Needs"... it may not be the age difference so much as lack of communication skills...for both of you.

It's worth a shot. You got married because you were pregnant, not because you were crazy about the guy. That's kinda sad... altho understandable. So give it your best shot to make the marriage a good thing .... if that doesn't work, do your best to get out of it amicably.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> It sounds like you were vulnerable to being talked into marriage with the pregnancy and all. Its understandable given your age at the time. Your waking up now and can see things for what they actually are. Whatever you do don't cheat on him. It will hurt him and the* children*. Talk to your husband about it. Be honest with him and make mature decisions. I'm sorry for your predicament but I don't think your husband is a bad guy. If nose picking and popular culture disagreements are the worst thing he is doing then you're way ahead of some. Think cheating, alcoholism, drug addiction, unemployment, obesity, porn ect..


I agree with this. You said you met at 24 and are now 30. That is a vast time of growing up/life.

I met my husband at 23. We got divorced this year. I'm 30 now. Who I was then is not at all who I was at 23. Just totally different.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> I'm 47 and when I hear women in their 20's talk I think to myself "There is no way I could relate to that conversation". Yes, younger women are very attractive but if I'm honest with myself I know that I would have to fake the non-sexual part of the relationship with someone in your age group. Wisdom, perspectives and interests change drastically as you mature. Women and men are already very different and when you add a big age gap I think it can be very difficult to carry on an honest relationship over the long term. When I see a guy in his 40's with a women in their 20's I know that guy is either very immature or just in it for the sex. There are exceptions as some women are very mature in their late 20's but I think its very rare. I am 29 and I have always been told that I have an old soul. Little boys in my age group do not interest me, because most of them are very immature. When everyone else was clubbing, I was listening to music older than me and becoming a voracious reader. Women do tend to mature faster than men, so perhaps you are being unfair when you paint ALL twentyish women as naive or unwise. I have met plenty of men who were not nearly as mature as me, yet they were older.
> 
> I do have to agree that a signifigant age difference with the man being older is often about sex. I had to learn that the hard way, with this selfish and cruel 42 year old I dated, when I was 24. My poor husband had a lot of mistrust to work through when we met. A younger man would not have had the loving patience.
> 
> Fast forward 8 years. He will be 50 and you will be 38 and he's already showing signs of slowing down. Physically I'm a very different man at 47 then I was at 38. My muscle tone and endurance have dropped off significantly regardless of my workout regime. These physical changes lead to psychological changes. If your already doubting your relationship I think you don't have the type of bond that's required to overcome this age difference.The OP's struggles remind me of a man I was with when I was very naive 20 year old. He was 13 years older and spoiled trust fund kid who did not have to work. This did not stop him from being emotionally abusive and controlling-he enjoyed screaming in my face and repeating "I AM OLDER AND I KNOW BETTER!!" *shudder* My husband is eight years my senior and he knows that if he *ever* plays the age card, I am gone.


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