# A Question for men whose wives or girlfriends have cheated.



## ADestroyedMan

Guys, there is a decidedly odious notion held by women that
we as men aren't emotional. I call bulls**t on that. After 10
years together, my wife decided to cheat on me for an entire
year. Sometimes she'd even f**k him in my own bed while
I was at work. My own bed!!

Now, I've moved on from being angry with her. She's still
my wife, and I still love her with every fiber of my being.
I don't trust her for sh*t, but I do love her. I found out
about her affair just last Friday, and we are getting a
divorce. 

The hell of it is, I don't want the divorce. She says she
loves me, but needs to live on her own for a bit. I guess
the question I have for you guys is how do you cope with
the rage?

I'm okay with her living on her own. I've forgiven her for the
affair, as my behavior toward her often left her feeling lonely.
I never hurt or cheated on her, but I wasn't always as warm
and loving as I needed to be. She knew I loved her, but I
guess I didn't show it well enough. 

So, when she's living on her own, she's going to have guys 
over. I know this. I just can't stand the thought of it.
It's the only thing that's still driving me crazy. I can't tolerate
the thought of her with someone else. Guys, if you've been
through this, how do you quell the anger?


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## daggydoo

Iam with you 110% i know how you feel as I am in same spot right now I have been married 9yr with three childern and she did the wrong on our anniversary and now it me and my three childern. Was i mad yep I was .
It not easy to deal with but i have.
I said to my self,

I decide that i was better than this anger it didnot help me
or my childern and Iam worth more than this.I knew who I was and who I could be and this was my life and things i do my friends are worth more to me than this emotional rollercoaster.

Then acted on this but I shall say this it was not easy I remind myself of this almost daily. The next thing I did is to separate me from the issue and the hate the action she did not her.
Outside of this I started reading again as i like to read positive thinking books so I started again.
I would recommed John c. maxwell; thinking for a change.

I used what these books said to improve myself and change the way I feel. 
i wish all the best


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## Triton

I hope you can handle this ? IT TAKES ONE -TO FORGET ONE ! ROCK ON -MAN !


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## carmaenforcer

I completely agree with *Triton* Having sex with the next woman to really move forward. We put the women we choose to love on a pedestal, try to treat them like a deity and not the flawed humans they really are. We like to think of them as special and it's only when you move on to the next that you see just how not special they were. 
The trick is to figure this out before giving them all that power because they don't like giving it up or even sharing it.

I have been cheated on by my now Wife back when we were first dating, I forgave but revoked all trust points and had her start from scratch.
More like your situation though, My ex-girlfriend after 9 years of bring together dropped a bomb on me of wanting to break-up to be with other men. We still lived together for two weeks during which time she came and went as she pleased before changing her mind and asking me back. I was nothing but good to her before then and so she didn't have any way of placing the blame on me although she could have tried to blame my video game playing, weight gain, the hours I worked, the fact that I had a child from a previous relationship, etc, etc.
The point is though, that her cheating is not your fault because there are other ways of dealing with relationship issue, communication, counciling, just leaving the relationship before cheating. No that blaming your short commings is just a idck move, a cowardly thing cheaters do when caught with their pants down and back up against the wall, a last minute blame shift from her mistake.

Man, that whole "in your own bed" thing is too much. I would end a b_tch for that bold of a move, but she isn't worth it, trust me.
Trust me the best revenge is moving on strong, better yourself, get a hot peice to hang on your arm, that kind of thing. 
I've had two ex's want to get back with me after I was with someone hotter than them or when they saw me happy again.
That's another part of their sick nature, like cheating to get their way or to prove a point.


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## KarenPohlman

I am a woman who struggled with Sexual Mismanagement for 20 years and have been sexually sober for over 5 years now. Your wife is struggling with sexual mismanagement and needs help. You did not cause this and cannot fix it. This is how she has learned to cope with her pain. I understand you are getting divorced, but if you have kids with her you need to encourage her to get help, for the sake of the kids. Otherwise they will grow up and learn the sames ways that she has, to cope with life. Even if you don't have kids, get help for yourself with a good counselor, before you choose to go sleep around and get yourself a hot babe for your right arm. There are pieces of you that need to heal and transform so that you don't go and attract another one like your wife, in a different body! Many blessings to you, I know this time is difficult! karenpohlman.com


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## magicsunset08

love is a mismanged word. people don't cheat if they love someone. I feel anyway. They may come back and say I love my husband why am i doing this? And then quit loving you. But, for that time they quit. My wife cheated on my for over a year, with a married man. This happened over 2 years ago. I have forgiven her, but I still think about it--alot. Especially when I feel rejected. We get along great now. Not divorced...worked it out. I struggle alot though. The anger is still there at times. I chalk it up that she had the problem. I was not perfect at all, but noone is. Since the whole fiasco. The guy my wife cheated with lost his job for buying alcohol for minors. (he was a teacher on a field trip). I could not help but chuckle a bit. My wife almost left me for this bum! She had to have a personal low in self esteem. I love my wife more than anything. It sounds like you do to. If you don't want a divorce, don't agree to it. Make her do it!!!! It can be worked out. If so, you are in for a looooooooooonnnnnnnngggggggg haul. Good luck.


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## StrongEnough

KarenPohlman said:


> I am a woman who struggled with Sexual Mismanagement for 20 years and have been sexually sober for over 5 years now. Your wife is struggling with sexual mismanagement and needs help. You did not cause this and cannot fix it. This is how she has learned to cope with her pain. I understand you are getting divorced, but if you have kids with her you need to encourage her to get help, for the sake of the kids. Otherwise they will grow up and learn the sames ways that she has, to cope with life. Even if you don't have kids, get help for yourself with a good counselor, before you choose to go sleep around and get yourself a hot babe for your right arm. There are pieces of you that need to heal and transform so that you don't go and attract another one like your wife, in a different body! Many blessings to you, I know this time is difficult! karenpohlman.com


Sexual Mismanagement? I am new to this word or phrase? What exactly is it?


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## okeydokie

StrongEnough said:


> Sexual Mismanagement? I am new to this word or phrase? What exactly is it?



i believe it is the female version of: she cheated. attempt to sugar coat a deed that when done by a man is grounds for a hangin


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## women R complicated

how much bull**** of "politcal correctness" will be unleashed???


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## StrongEnough

okeydokie said:


> i believe it is the female version of: she cheated. attempt to sugar coat a deed that when done by a man is grounds for a hangin


That is how it sounds to me too! :iagree:


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## MarkTwain

okeydokie said:


> i believe it is the female version of: she cheated. attempt to sugar coat a deed that when done by a man is grounds for a hangin


Oh, the drama of it


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## vader08

My ex wife cheated on me. while I was at home with our kids she f&cked a DJ at a bar. Went back to his place after work, and did pot, drank more alcohol and screwed him. Next day she tried to tell me he raped her while she was unconscious. Unfortunately for her there were 1/2 dozen witnesses that saw her making out with him and moaning from the bedroom later on. I divorced her, and later down the road tried to reconcile because I loved my kids and was willing to try to make it work with the mom. What I learned was this: No woman who cheats can change. Once it is done it becomes easier down the line to re-offend. Either that or it is a sign that deep down they are scarred and there is a personality flaw. This is true if the man is doing what a man is supposed to. My ex just liked to party, and was a habitual liar...she may have been sexy and INCREDIBLE in bed, but apparently everyone KNEW that! It isnt worth it. I realized when I was 18 sex and appearence of a girl was like #1 priority in choosing a girl, but as I got older it became less and less important. Now it is like #5 maybe. Honesty, commitment, and inside beauty is far more attractive in the long run


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## MsLonely

Ok guys. Allow a woman to share with you about cheating. You husbands might want to know some facts. First of all, cheating is never an easy step for women for it might take a long time struggling before your wife decided to cheat. By the time you found out, usually, she's been cheating for some time already. There're 2 different types of cheating in women perspectives. 1. She's unhappy with her husband for a hell long time and she's lonely. She DOESN'T want to get divorced because she still loves her husband as a family, not as her passionate lover.
2. She's in love with a man and she's ready to give up her marriage. She DOESN'T love her husband anymore, for kids reasons, she sacrificed herself in the marriage, sharing the same bed with a man who is the father of her kids. She DOESN'T love him anymore and doesn't want to be touched by him.
Both types of affairs have one thing in common, that is, it did take time before a wife puts cheating into action. She has thought over and over it and finally, it still took some time to plan for it. She always looked at you to see if she must do things in this way. Usually, by the time you find out, it's too late! It's very hard to find her passion back for you.
Besides, there's another type of cheating that most men have a better chance to get the wife back to love you faithfully - One night stand - this type of cheating was unplanned and it just happened. Usually the wife felt very sorry and regretful after such cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely

Yes. There are some women who just want to have fun. You should make a girlfriend who loves to party and is excellent in bed just to get good sex but marry a good girl who would spend time appreciating art, decorating her house and good in cooking. She might not be so hot in bed but she will less likely cheat on you unless you've been a jerk for a hell long time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH

MsLonely said:


> Ok guys. Allow a woman to share with you about cheating. You husbands might want to know some facts. First of all, cheating is never an easy step for women for it might take a long time struggling before your wife decided to cheat. By the time you found out, usually, she's been cheating for some time already. There're 2 different types of cheating in women perspectives. 1. She's unhappy with her husband for a hell long time and she's lonely. She DOESN'T want to get divorced because she still loves her husband as a family, not as her passionate lover.
> 2. She's in love with a man and she's ready to give up her marriage. She DOESN'T love her husband anymore, for kids reasons, she sacrificed herself in the marriage, sharing the same bed with a man who is the father of her kids. She DOESN'T love him anymore and doesn't want to be touched by him.
> Both types of affairs have one thing in common, that is, it did take time before a wife puts cheating into action. She has thought over and over it and finally, it still took some time to plan for it. She always looked at you to see if she must do things in this way. Usually, by the time you find out, it's too late! It's very hard to find her passion back for you.
> Besides, there's another type of cheating that most men have a better chance to get the wife back to love you faithfully - One night stand - this type of cheating was unplanned and it just happened. Usually the wife felt very sorry and regretful after such cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Excuses excuses excuses. They want to do it they do it.

Some don't cheat no matter what the circumstances.

Bob


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## MsLonely

Lol you're right, the moment she cheated, you can't change her mind unless it's one night stand when she didn't think too much.
It's possible after a wife learnt how to cheat, she will keep doing it and she knows how to hide it better next time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH

The anger’s there for a reason. It’s nature. You’ve been hurt big time so you have big time anger.

Your anger is there to prevent you from doing things, right now probably not contacting or being anywhere near your wife. You need time for the anger to dissipate. You can help it on it’s way through very strenuous exercise. I got a very big punch bag and knocked the hell out of it. It really helped.

You are right, we do have emotions, very deep and very strong emotions.

Bob







ADestroyedMan said:


> Guys, there is a decidedly odious notion held by women that
> we as men aren't emotional. I call bulls**t on that. After 10
> years together, my wife decided to cheat on me for an entire
> year. Sometimes she'd even f**k him in my own bed while
> I was at work. My own bed!!
> 
> Now, I've moved on from being angry with her. She's still
> my wife, and I still love her with every fiber of my being.
> I don't trust her for sh*t, but I do love her. I found out
> about her affair just last Friday, and we are getting a
> divorce.
> 
> The hell of it is, I don't want the divorce. She says she
> loves me, but needs to live on her own for a bit. I guess
> the question I have for you guys is how do you cope with
> the rage?
> 
> I'm okay with her living on her own. I've forgiven her for the
> affair, as my behavior toward her often left her feeling lonely.
> I never hurt or cheated on her, but I wasn't always as warm
> and loving as I needed to be. She knew I loved her, but I
> guess I didn't show it well enough.
> 
> So, when she's living on her own, she's going to have guys
> over. I know this. I just can't stand the thought of it.
> It's the only thing that's still driving me crazy. I can't tolerate
> the thought of her with someone else. Guys, if you've been
> through this, how do you quell the anger?


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## AFEH

MsLonely said:


> Lol you're right, the moment she cheated, you can't change her mind unless it's one night stand when she didn't think too much.
> It's possible after a wife learnt how to cheat, she will keep doing it and she knows how to hide it better next time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe big time women "plan to cheat". It's almost like "planning to get married" sometimes. And they've got their "reasons", deceptions and lies all lined up for their husband long before the PA takes place.

It is all so two faced, deceptive and incromprehensible. Well almost. But I've seen it happening.

Bob


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## MsLonely

Nowadays, it's very easy to fool around and hard to keep the faith. If you can find good women, make sure you're a good husband. If If a husband keeps being a jerk, yes a good wife won't cheat on him because she wants to get divorced first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely

How to control your anger? When you still get mad simply because you still love her madly. When you don't care about her anymore, you will find your anger fading away by itself. 
So you have to ask yourself. Do you still WANT to love this cheater? When you choose yes, you can't complain but love your choice and love who she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity

Okay, so far this thread is not very helpful to you. Cheating is tough. Women do it for a variety of reasons, all of which are selfish, and stem from an unwillingness to communicate or end things without creating a soft landing. But, hell, so do men.

Your question was: "Guys, if you've been through this, how do you quell the anger?"

Here's how. First, you make it you singular goal in life to BE OKAY, NO MATTER WHAT. When our women go crazy and hurt us, it is the biggest mind f*ck of your life, and the your feelings of rage, anger, sadness are all normal. The challenge for you now is to move past it and focus on YOUR OWN HAPPINESS.

You can't control her. The more you try, the less she will respond to you. 

So how do you focus on YOUR OWN HAPPINESS?

- Exercise. Hit the gym, join a drop-in basketball, join the Y. Whatever it is, do physical things. These release positive endorphines, help you channel your energy into something good for you, and have the bonus of getting you out of the house.

- Diet. Eat healthy foods. Your body is a reflection of what you put in it. When my wife cheated and left, I smoked, drank, ate like **** for months, lost 25lbs, slept terribly, and was a zombie. It's not worth it. I just felt like [email protected] 

- Understand that every word out of her mouth is self-justifying [email protected] She has acted like a 1st class c*nt. You didn't do anything to deserve it. It's NOT YOUR FAULT. Don't let what ever lies, justifications, or whatever she spews turn you around on yourself. All marriages have problems. No one is perfect. The marriages that succeed, do so because the partners communicate with each other. They don't step out.

- Understand that "Affairs are a rebellion, and an attempt to find another version of ourselves. As Esther Perel puts it, 'it is not our partners we seek to leave but ourselves'." (Quote from Peter Fox, and excellent resource for info on this - Fidelity summary and internal links)

So her reasons have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. The other guy wasn't better/hotter/whatever. He was a piece of [email protected], f&cking loser who violated the brotherhood. He should have his balls cut off.

- Focus on things that make you HAPPY. It took me months to ever figure out what made me happy. I hadn't done things for myself in years. I realized, going to a movie alone was fun. Going for a nice lunch and people watching was fun. Getting a massage, felt good. Flirting with women was fun. 

Figure out the things you like doing or always wanted to do and start doing them.

The more you get your own life in order, the more she'll notice and realize what an idiot she's been. This may or may not lead to reconciliation, if that's your choice, but you'll come out the other side way better off.

Be strong. Hope this helps.


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## MsLonely

However, there's something you can do to deal with your anger. It might sound dumb but it works. Set an alarm to allow yourself getting very angry for 30 mins. When time's up, you should go kiss and hug your wife because you love her. Better find a quiet and private place to enjoy your anger alone! Give yourself everyday 30 mins to get angry. Look at the mirro and see your angry face.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity

I disagree with MsLonely. If your wife wants to divorce and time to "find herself" that usually means the affair is still active and she wants space to carry it on. 

If that is the case, the best thing you can do it go no-contact with her. If you can, be pleasant but aloof. Don't give too much info. DO NOT share your feelings. Assume she is the enemy right now. 

There is a very clear path to healing after an affair that involves the following:

- No CONTACT
- Full disclosure of the details
- Transparency - you get all email passwords, cell phone access, etc.
- Clear demonstration of remorse. 
- Counseling for her. Marriage counseling for both of you.

If the above are not in place, you are not in a marriage. Until they are, do not try to win her back, communicate your feelings, forgive her, or try to work on the marriage. You'll just continue to get screwed over.

If she wants to be single, she has an agenda she isn't sharing with you.

Sorry.


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## MsLonely

Seeking sanity, I like your ideas but only the first two I think very helpful to cope with anger. Exercise regularly with a healthy diet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely

I gave my ideas simply because the thread creator still loves his wife. Your ideas are perfect for those men who want their wives gone forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely

Quote:If she wants to be single, she has an agenda she isn't sharing with you.

This is sad but true. Like I said, women have thought a lot before they stepped out for affairs. By the time you found out, usually it's been a while and very difficult to win her love back.  unless she said she still loves you. There's a dog chance. Let's say you must work hard to prove her that you're the man. However, when she said she doesn't love you. She meant it. She's given up her marriage long ago, long before you found out her affairs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity

Mslonely - didn't mean it as a criticism of you, I just disagree. If she wants out right now, than any pleading, I'll be a better husband, kind of stuff will just drive her away. 

Believe me, I've been there and done that. It just served to humiliate myself. Most women are drawn to confident men who have control of their lives. Getting happy will only make him more attractive. 

I ended up reconciling with my wife after two 1-year separations. She only got interested in me when I'd moved on and gotten my life in order. The needy, desperate version of me, was a huge turn off.


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## MsLonely

Therefore, you have to find out her true feelings. Did she say she still love you but not in love with you or did she say she doesn't love you anymore? If she belongs to the later, she's given up her marriage long ago. Nothing is gonna change her mind for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely

Yes, you're totally right. When there's still hope, she said she still love you, that meant you must work hard and first thing would be putting yourself in order. Be confident, healthy and happy! Taking care of yourself well makes you more attractive!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely

Seeking insanity. Somehow you still sounded very angry with your wife after all these separations. Are you still interested in having her back or you've got a girlfriend?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely

Quote: The needy, desperate version of me, was a huge turn off.

It happened to me as a huge turn off when I had given up my ex-husband and my love was dead. I'm happy now he has moved on his life and I wish him all the best and I will stay far away from him.

The needy version of my current husband only softened my heart. I will stop being mad at him as soon he shows me an innocent poor look because I still love him. 

It's very simple. When a woman loves you, even you're a piece of wood, she loves you. When a woman doesn't love you, even you become a piece of gold, she's happy for you but she prefers to stay with that piece of wood. It doesn't make sense for men but it does make sense for women. "Love" is the key.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH

MsLonely said:


> Quote: The needy, desperate version of me, was a huge turn off.
> 
> It happened to me as a huge turn off when I had given up my ex-husband and my love was dead. I'm happy now he has moved on his life and I wish him all the best and I will stay far away from him.
> 
> The needy version of my current husband only softened my heart. I will stop being mad at him as soon he shows me an innocent poor look because I still love him.
> 
> It's very simple. When a woman loves you, even you're a piece of wood, she loves you. When a woman doesn't love you, even you become a piece of gold, she's happy for you but she prefers to stay with that piece of wood. It doesn't make sense for men but it does make sense for women. "Love" is the key.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


MsLonely,
You've obviously some problems you're trying to understand and come to terms with.

ADestroyedMan is truly hurting, you're not helping him.

Bob
PS: He needs to talk with Men. That's why he posted in the Men's Clubhouse.


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## Rob774

MsLonely said:


> Ok guys. Allow a woman to share with you about cheating. You husbands might want to know some facts. First of all, cheating is never an easy step for women for it might take a long time struggling before your wife decided to cheat. By the time you found out, usually, she's been cheating for some time already. There're 2 different types of cheating in women perspectives. 1. She's unhappy with her husband for a hell long time and she's lonely. She DOESN'T want to get divorced because she still loves her husband as a family, not as her passionate lover.
> 2. She's in love with a man and she's ready to give up her marriage. She DOESN'T love her husband anymore, for kids reasons, she sacrificed herself in the marriage, sharing the same bed with a man who is the father of her kids. She DOESN'T love him anymore and doesn't want to be touched by him.
> Both types of affairs have one thing in common, that is, it did take time before a wife puts cheating into action. She has thought over and over it and finally, it still took some time to plan for it. She always looked at you to see if she must do things in this way. Usually, by the time you find out, it's too late! It's very hard to find her passion back for you.
> Besides, there's another type of cheating that most men have a better chance to get the wife back to love you faithfully - One night stand - this type of cheating was unplanned and it just happened. Usually the wife felt very sorry and regretful after such cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for your input, but sadly most men already know they are the different types/reasons of why women cheat. You just have to have self control. I'm sorry, but there's a lot of good men out here like myself who are married and we are getting the draws thrown at us almost daily... and we ignore it. If things are shaky, let's discuss it first, and if i refuse to helf rectify the situation, then leave me. Don't cheat and throw our entire family through pain.


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## Conrad

seeking sanity said:


> Okay, so far this thread is not very helpful to you. Cheating is tough. Women do it for a variety of reasons, all of which are selfish, and stem from an unwillingness to communicate or end things without creating a soft landing. But, hell, so do men.
> 
> Your question was: "Guys, if you've been through this, how do you quell the anger?"
> 
> Here's how. First, you make it you singular goal in life to BE OKAY, NO MATTER WHAT. When our women go crazy and hurt us, it is the biggest mind f*ck of your life, and the your feelings of rage, anger, sadness are all normal. The challenge for you now is to move past it and focus on YOUR OWN HAPPINESS.
> 
> You can't control her. The more you try, the less she will respond to you.
> 
> So how do you focus on YOUR OWN HAPPINESS?
> 
> - Exercise. Hit the gym, join a drop-in basketball, join the Y. Whatever it is, do physical things. These release positive endorphines, help you channel your energy into something good for you, and have the bonus of getting you out of the house.
> 
> - Diet. Eat healthy foods. Your body is a reflection of what you put in it. When my wife cheated and left, I smoked, drank, ate like **** for months, lost 25lbs, slept terribly, and was a zombie. It's not worth it. I just felt like [email protected]
> 
> - Understand that every word out of her mouth is self-justifying [email protected] She has acted like a 1st class c*nt. You didn't do anything to deserve it. It's NOT YOUR FAULT. Don't let what ever lies, justifications, or whatever she spews turn you around on yourself. All marriages have problems. No one is perfect. The marriages that succeed, do so because the partners communicate with each other. They don't step out.
> 
> - Understand that "Affairs are a rebellion, and an attempt to find another version of ourselves. As Esther Perel puts it, 'it is not our partners we seek to leave but ourselves'." (Quote from Peter Fox, and excellent resource for info on this - Fidelity summary and internal links)
> 
> So her reasons have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. The other guy wasn't better/hotter/whatever. He was a piece of [email protected], f&cking loser who violated the brotherhood. He should have his balls cut off.
> 
> - Focus on things that make you HAPPY. It took me months to ever figure out what made me happy. I hadn't done things for myself in years. I realized, going to a movie alone was fun. Going for a nice lunch and people watching was fun. Getting a massage, felt good. Flirting with women was fun.
> 
> Figure out the things you like doing or always wanted to do and start doing them.
> 
> The more you get your own life in order, the more she'll notice and realize what an idiot she's been. This may or may not lead to reconciliation, if that's your choice, but you'll come out the other side way better off.
> 
> Be strong. Hope this helps.


This is a good post.

But, there's an element here that I think is missing.

The "rage" you speak of is a part of you. But, it's only a part.

The process of "setting aside" that rage will include going back in time to resolve those issues that have you working AGAINST yourself.

We all do it. People are their own worst enemies. We bring about what we fear by being reactive - instead of focusing like a laser on what actually works for us.

So, do the exercise. Do the diet. But, also do the mind work. In fact, the mind work may make the first two more effective. When you resolve your own issues, the rage will subside (almost like magic) and you will see clearly what you need to to.


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## cummin-in-sa

Have sex with the same guy she's been pumping!


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## toolate

So sorry you are having to deal with this. SOme good advice here and some b!tching as well. Weed through it and find:

1) Dont go have revenge sex, it may be fun but if you truly still love her it will cause some inner conflict and why add to your already difficult emotions?

2) Decide if you want a divorce or not and then take your stance either way... you are not a "P" for wanting to stay married to the woman you love.

3) If you want to remain married you will need to focus on yourself in terms of changing the things that made your wife F some man other than you... and own your faults. If she was ok with you, she wouldnt do that... but if she was ok with herself, she wouldnt have either. The rest of the time (outside work) should be spent courting your wife as if you just fell in love with her... it is the only way to win back her affections, and her body into your bed. This is not to mean put on a P hat, just courting like getting her flowers and taking her to dinners and sending her love notes, kissing... some men make the mistake of taking on all the chores and basically letting the woman walk all over them. That is not what Im talking about. Just think what you would do if you just met and were crazy about her.... then do them. 

4) Dont state any rules, we have to let go of the notion that we control our spouses... that may only lead to further resentment and having to court her longer.

Dont pay for her apartment if you do choose to divorce or even if you remain separated during this time... you have every right to set up that boundary. If you remain separated in space make it clear that means divorce. If she and you decide to work it out, she must move home, period. She doesnt get a free pass for an apartment to F somebody else on your tab... its all or none. But please remember to court her if you both decide on all, which I hope you do.


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## ConfusedinColumbus

Sorry to hear you are going through this brother, been there done that. My wife had an EA/PA with a least two guys, the details of which are found in earlier threads of mine.

I am about a year on since I first filed for divorce and then reconciled. Still a work in progress with many bumps along the way.

That said, I can tell you that much of what Seeking Sanity said is spot on. It my seem counterintuitive, but trust me (us), groveling and making promises to change/etc only widen the chasm and turn her away. 

With regards to how to deal with the anger, I found the following helpful:

1. Go to the gym...a lot. Commit to get in the best shape of your life. Not only will your wife notice, but so will others around you (women) . I was already a gym regular, but I took it up a notch as I did also w/my martial arts training - a great release for stress that comes with the added benefit of being good for you. 

2. Go out w/friends. I found this to be an awesome distraction, especially when out w/people who didn't know about the problems at home. This annoyed my wife beyond belief, as she saw me resigned to the fact the marriage was over and yet I was out having fun...it never failed that she would call to check in on me at which point hilarity ensued because I seldom would answer the phone.

3. Did I mention going to the gym?

4. Confronting TOM (the other man). Many schools of thought on this, but I can say for me, putting the fear of the good Lord above in these guys was extremely therapeutic. Understand that I only did so months later and had already filed for divorce - it was something, as a man, I just had to do for closure (note: both of these offenders were married and were considered "friends"). Afterward, while almost feeling sorry for them, an enormous weight was lifted from my shoulders. Nothing wrong IMHO w/going "old school". Approach w/caution. 

5. Revisit old hobbies or pick up new ones. Do things you enjoy and do them often.

6. Read. Some of the infidelity/self-help stuff is a good place to start.

7. Counseling. While often draining, it is healthy to vent and bounce things off a professional. Shop for therapist/counselor as you would for anything else (word of mouth, references, etc).

8. Focus on your kids (if applicable). Honestly, but for my kids I would have followed through with the divorce. They were and are my anchor and remain a great mechanism for reducing my anger and making me smile.

Understand, I am not "anger-free" even after the passage of considerable time (year+), as I occasionally think about what my wife did...but I don't let it eat me up nor do I dwell on it...acknowledge it and move on. Know that things in the marriage, if you reconcile, will never me the same as she violated your trust and engaged in adulterous behavior, but know that you can fix this if you BOTH commit to doing so.

Best of luck!

CC


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## 8yearscheating

Ms Lonely,
Please see my threads:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...n-you-explain-extreme-anxiety-just-touch.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/17598-texting-reveals-sexting.html

You seem to have similar feelings or experiences as to what I'm seeing with my wife right now. Can you comment on my first thread, please?



MsLonely said:


> Ok guys. Allow a woman to share with you about cheating. You husbands might want to know some facts. First of all, cheating is never an easy step for women for it might take a long time struggling before your wife decided to cheat. By the time you found out, usually, she's been cheating for some time already. There're 2 different types of cheating in women perspectives. 1. She's unhappy with her husband for a hell long time and she's lonely. She DOESN'T want to get divorced because she still loves her husband as a family, not as her passionate lover.
> 2. She's in love with a man and she's ready to give up her marriage. She DOESN'T love her husband anymore, for kids reasons, she sacrificed herself in the marriage, sharing the same bed with a man who is the father of her kids. She DOESN'T love him anymore and doesn't want to be touched by him.
> Both types of affairs have one thing in common, that is, it did take time before a wife puts cheating into action. She has thought over and over it and finally, it still took some time to plan for it. She always looked at you to see if she must do things in this way. Usually, by the time you find out, it's too late! It's very hard to find her passion back for you.
> Besides, there's another type of cheating that most men have a better chance to get the wife back to love you faithfully - One night stand - this type of cheating was unplanned and it just happened. Usually the wife felt very sorry and regretful after such cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely

Rob774 said:


> Thanks for your input, but sadly most men already know they are the different types/reasons of why women cheat. You just have to have self control. I'm sorry, but there's a lot of good men out here like myself who are married and we are getting the draws thrown at us almost daily... and we ignore it. If things are shaky, let's discuss it first, and if i refuse to helf rectify the situation, then leave me. Don't cheat and throw our entire family through pain.


Pain goes to both side. There's no woman in her right mind would get married and plan to cheat on her husband. Every woman cares & loves her husband the most. Every woman believes in fairy tales and want to have a happy life with her beloved prince, her husband. The moment she cheats was the moment she's no longer confident in pursuing happiness with her prince who ends up being a frog. Girls, all their lives, are dreaming about getting married and being a beautiful bride. If she must seek validations from other men, that means her own husband has put her in the back burner and he's not responsive and ignorant to her needs. Cheating is the result of an unhappy marriage. Don't expect women were born to be saints for men- No matter what, she should control herself, and she shouldn't leave you for searching for her happiness. Women nowadays are more independent and well educated. We don't believe in worshiping husbands blindly as 200 years ago.
There's no way women who plans to go away would look back shortly. You can still become more fit, charming & wealthy for yourself, and she would wish you all the best, but that's not the reason of her leaving.


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## MsLonely

PA Cheating as I explained had many different situations. One of them, women don't want to leave family, not because they love to live in a cheating life. Most situations, it's because of kids so they can't leave, not because of you they can't leave. It's because other issues that they concern, not allowing her to JUST leave.
When she's sure everything is taken cared and kids are arranged properly. She would leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JuliaP

MsLonely said:


> If she must seek validations from other men, that means her own husband has put her in the back burner and he's not responsive and ignorant to her needs. Cheating is the result of an unhappy marriage.


Yes she is right, I can tell you: I had a life long " cheaters are *******s, I would never cheat, they are the worst people, how can anyone do that, I would never ever, COULD never ever cheat..." mentality. Until after 8 years of marriage and trying so hard to fix our problems, mainly a lack of connection. We went to counseling, but he could never make the sessions. I tried talking, letters, books, dates, etc only to have H brush me off and dismiss our issues as 'nagging'- _He never took me seriously. _ I worry that you right away , just like my husband does to me- dismiss what her gripe was ( being unemotional) as bull****. There you go. You just did exactly what drives us away- Dismiss us our needs as bull****.

I noticed about a year ago my mind start to change, slowly at first- I started finding other men more and more attractive. I started to dress up for the guys that work at the hardware store and other random places. Exciting things would happen in my life and my H was not the first person I wanted to tell- it was other male friends. I started fantasizing about random men during sex with H. I was ( and still am) starved for an emotional and loving connection. I'm sorry, but we, women, need this. It is A NEED. Before I knew it, I started full on thinking that I am owed an affair because H fails to meet my needs that I have expressed to him FOR YEARS- that he ignored. I lost attraction to him- and then lost love. I no longer look at him with lust or love and felt exhausted, sad, and upset about it. 

Thankfully I haven't cheated b/c I had no opportunity in my small town. But it is frightening, terrifying how my mind has warped from years of neglect. I was the most anti-cheating person in the world. I swear I was. I would've done it had I a chance. 

They say most women cheat for reasons similar to mine. They are trying to fill an emotional hole that they have tried over and over again to fill with their husbands. For the most part, it has nothing to do with sex. 

I am trying to work out our issues with advice from TAM before anything gets worse. I see that of course, there are ways that I did not try to communicate my needs which I am learning.

I hope this was helpful in someway.


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## COguy

ADestroyedMan said:


> Guys, there is a decidedly odious notion held by women that
> we as men aren't emotional. I call bulls**t on that. After 10
> years together, my wife decided to cheat on me for an entire
> year. Sometimes she'd even f**k him in my own bed while
> I was at work. My own bed!!
> 
> Now, I've moved on from being angry with her. She's still
> my wife, and I still love her with every fiber of my being.
> I don't trust her for sh*t, but I do love her. I found out
> about her affair just last Friday, and we are getting a
> divorce.
> 
> The hell of it is, I don't want the divorce. She says she
> loves me, but needs to live on her own for a bit. I guess
> the question I have for you guys is how do you cope with
> the rage?
> 
> I'm okay with her living on her own. I've forgiven her for the
> affair, as my behavior toward her often left her feeling lonely.
> I never hurt or cheated on her, but I wasn't always as warm
> and loving as I needed to be. She knew I loved her, but I
> guess I didn't show it well enough.
> 
> So, when she's living on her own, she's going to have guys
> over. I know this. I just can't stand the thought of it.
> It's the only thing that's still driving me crazy. I can't tolerate
> the thought of her with someone else. Guys, if you've been
> through this, how do you quell the anger?


Didn't read the responses.

My answer is: You don't.

You allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, rage, despair, etc. As you're going through it, think things through. Why is it making you angry, why is it making you sad. Allow yourself to feel the emotions.

Understand that it's completely normal AND NECESSARY to go through all of it to heal. For the first few days you will be a wreck (like a little baby). Expect to be an emotional cripple for a while.

Once that passes, you find something that gets you through the day (new hobby, sports, exercise, whatever). Then every day you get a little better until you start feeling somewhat normal again.

Just understand that if you try to "stop feeling angry" or "stop feeling depressed", you'll just delay your healing longer and longer. Better to confront those emotions head on, explore why they are making you feel that way, and accept them.


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## Lon

I was just about to comment about: exposing her affair to her friends and family. However I just realized this thread has been necro'd, its old.


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## Racer

MsLonely said:


> Ok guys. Allow a woman to share with you about cheating. You husbands might want to know some facts. First of all, cheating is never an easy step for women ...... Usually the wife felt very sorry and regretful after such cheating.


Sorry... t/j since it bugs me. Has it occurred to you that there are specific changes in society, particularly in women, about sexuality in general? There are a lot of women who don’t look at sex as some romantic deeper connection. They just enjoy it. Its something in their mind that is ok to do with someone you just sort of like. The guilt and shame is gone and sex has gone casual. Friends with benefits, booty calls, cougars, etc. There are some like my wayward wife that even form friendships with men, and its ok to have sex with them as a way of appreciation for making her happy. (This doesn’t mean they are dating or have that kind of relationship though). Fantastic at compartmentalizing that there is ‘her’ and there is ‘Mrs.’... these are just two of her roles that are separate in her mind. There is ‘her at home’ and there is ‘her not at home’. Two separate masks she wears. So, she regrets not understanding how what she did outside of home had such a dramatic effect at home....



ADestroyedMan said:


> I guess the question I have for you guys is how do you cope with the rage?
> So, when she's living on her own, she's going to have guys over. I know this. I just can't stand the thought of it. It's the only thing that's still driving me crazy. I can't tolerate the thought of her with someone else. Guys, if you've been through this, how do you quell the anger?


You don’t quell the anger and rage. Embrace it. Hone in on it and reflect why you are feeling this. Use it to distance yourself and cut your emotional hose to this person. It must be done; bloody painful, but keep ripping at it. There is no reason at all to be ‘nice’. Float above it all and embrace your gut and insanity about the situation. And, one day, you’ll find you just no longer care whether or not she’s with someone. 

She made a really dumb mistake leaving you alone. It is much easier to detach from someone ‘not around’ than it is with her reminding you of why you loved her by just being there. I’d go dark on her; No contact. It’s the appropriate ramification. You’ll break it, but just try to keep it down to coordination stuff; Don’t ask how she’s doing, don’t be her shoulder or rock. Let her live with herself awhile. And don’t worry... She’ll be snooping on you and hearing what’s going on with you; So don’t gloat or bring that up either. 

So, what to do? Let that rage out... embrace it; this is now your friend and a source of immense power from within. I started working out, diving into hobbies and interest that she had made me feel guilty about. Since she’s gone, think about packing up all that silly girl stuff like throws and shams and create your own new man pad. Buy new clothes, get out with your buds and toss down a few. Meet new people. When you feel that anger coming on, use it as energy to motivate yourself to make YOUR life better without considering her. Practice moving on. Hell, I even picked up a PUA book called “The Game” and went through those exercises; mostly dealt with self-confidence stuff anyway... you’ll need it. I did mental stuff like pictured myself as a beat up old car and used my rage to start banging and beating it back into shape and something I’d be proud of.... Just do whatever it takes to find your pride in yourself, your home, etc. Don’t go turtle, don’t plunge down the rabbit hole, just fight for yourself.


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## BigLiam

MsLonely said:


> Ok guys. Allow a woman to share with you about cheating. You husbands might want to know some facts. First of all, cheating is never an easy step for women for it might take a long time struggling before your wife decided to cheat. By the time you found out, usually, she's been cheating for some time already. There're 2 different types of cheating in women perspectives. 1. She's unhappy with her husband for a hell long time and she's lonely. She DOESN'T want to get divorced because she still loves her husband as a family, not as her passionate lover.
> 2. She's in love with a man and she's ready to give up her marriage. She DOESN'T love her husband anymore, for kids reasons, she sacrificed herself in the marriage, sharing the same bed with a man who is the father of her kids. She DOESN'T love him anymore and doesn't want to be touched by him.
> Both types of affairs have one thing in common, that is, it did take time before a wife puts cheating into action. She has thought over and over it and finally, it still took some time to plan for it. She always looked at you to see if she must do things in this way. Usually, by the time you find out, it's too late! It's very hard to find her passion back for you.
> Besides, there's another type of cheating that most men have a better chance to get the wife back to love you faithfully - One night stand - this type of cheating was unplanned and it just happened. Usually the wife felt very sorry and regretful after such cheating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Based on my experience with women, this is untrue. They need not be unhappy or discontent to cheat. Some just have a seense of entilement, just as some men do. Some just crave strange ****.


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## BigLiam

JuliaP said:


> Yes she is right, I can tell you: I had a life long " cheaters are *******s, I would never cheat, they are the worst people, how can anyone do that, I would never ever, COULD never ever cheat..." mentality. Until after 8 years of marriage and trying so hard to fix our problems, mainly a lack of connection. We went to counseling, but he could never make the sessions. I tried talking, letters, books, dates, etc only to have H brush me off and dismiss our issues as 'nagging'- _He never took me seriously. _ I worry that you right away , just like my husband does to me- dismiss what her gripe was ( being unemotional) as bull****. There you go. You just did exactly what drives us away- Dismiss us our needs as bull****.
> 
> I noticed about a year ago my mind start to change, slowly at first- I started finding other men more and more attractive. I started to dress up for the guys that work at the hardware store and other random places. Exciting things would happen in my life and my H was not the first person I wanted to tell- it was other male friends. I started fantasizing about random men during sex with H. I was ( and still am) starved for an emotional and loving connection. I'm sorry, but we, women, need this. It is A NEED. Before I knew it, I started full on thinking that I am owed an affair because H fails to meet my needs that I have expressed to him FOR YEARS- that he ignored. I lost attraction to him- and then lost love. I no longer look at him with lust or love and felt exhausted, sad, and upset about it.
> 
> Thankfully I haven't cheated b/c I had no opportunity in my small town. But it is frightening, terrifying how my mind has warped from years of neglect. I was the most anti-cheating person in the world. I swear I was. I would've done it had I a chance.
> 
> They say most women cheat for reasons similar to mine. They are trying to fill an emotional hole that they have tried over and over again to fill with their husbands. For the most part, it has nothing to do with sex.
> 
> I am trying to work out our issues with advice from TAM before anything gets worse. I see that of course, there are ways that I did not try to communicate my needs which I am learning.
> 
> I hope this was helpful in someway.


Try divorce vs cheating.


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## JuliaP

BigLiam said:


> Try divorce vs cheating.


Not tried either yet, trying to fix marriage


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## Sanity

Men, by forgiving an PA you are saying that your boundries are weak. Dump and make them pay for their decision and the risk they exposed you to.


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## Racer

Sanity said:


> Men, by forgiving an PA you are saying that your boundries are weak. Dump and make them pay for their decision and the risk they exposed you to.


It’s not so black and white. It’s a nasty range of emotions. I don’t see I poor boundaries for accepting my wife had PA’s. I do feel shame, embarrassment, emasculation, weak and pathetic for taking her back. I also feel noble, strong, confident, and proud that I can fight through this trauma and keep the family together; Something I care a lot about. I used to flop from one extreme to the other... Now I just accept all these emotions as ‘normal’ as I look at how I feel about myself. They don’t go away... they are just always there now. I breathe in, I breathe out... I didn’t want this life, it is what I have though.

I have fantasized that dumping her would make it so much easier. Then I could just pick the black/white scenario of “she’s bad, I’m good” and then just focus on rebuilding my life. Yet I know I’d still have the other extremes... I let the family dissolve instead of fighting for it. So instead of feeling like crap because I stayed, I’d feel it for just throwing in the towel and still have to work at forgiving myself for my own choices.

Basically there isn’t a ‘win’ here for the BH in how he sees himself. I just do what I can to seek out my happy moments and hold on. A WW can help though; Give to him a lot of positive things to replace all the negative he now feels. He should feel he ‘won’ something great for going through all this. Help build him up again so he isn’t embarrassed to be with you. Be the best you and something he can find pride in again.


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## Lon

Racer, what's black and white about it is that marriage, even after infidelity, requires two people that want to be in the marriage.

When a cheater is stating by actions and/or words they don't want to work at meeting their spouse's needs (even if they are still hanging around), there is no grey area, the marriage is dead.

Also if a betrayed spouse doesn't want to work at meeting their cheating partner's needs any more, there is also no grey area, the marriage is dead.

the only grey area is how long each needs to deliberate over their choice.


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## Racer

Lon said:


> Racer, what's black and white about it is that marriage, even after infidelity, requires two people that want to be in the marriage.


Meh, its true.. This is a foundation of marriage. Just keep in mind that “wanting to be married to them” does not equal “fidelity”. Many here can attest to that. They are separate issues. My wife wants to be married to me, does not want to be divorced. I want to be married to her. See... both of us want to be in that marriage. 

She also wanted to date other men; it was fun and exciting. Knowing I wouldn’t want this (nor would she want that from me), she keeps it quiet. She wants to be married to me after all and knows this may jeopardize her getting what she wants....


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## Lon

Racer said:


> Meh, its true.. This is a foundation of marriage. Just keep in mind that “wanting to be married to them” does not equal “fidelity”.


That is why elaborated on what "marriage" means and that if you are not trying to meet the other's needs its not really a marriage. I can expand on that, its not just about meeting their needs but also respecting boundaries.

So you say she wanted to date other men, well that by all accounts is not respecting boundaries or meeting needs and is plainly a dealbreaker. So what you are both wanting isn't "marriage", just a living arrangement that offers the benefit of shared expenses.


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## Gaia

KarenPohlman said:


> I am a woman who struggled with Sexual Mismanagement for 20 years and have been sexually sober for over 5 years now. Your wife is struggling with sexual mismanagement and needs help. You did not cause this and cannot fix it. This is how she has learned to cope with her pain. I understand you are getting divorced, but if you have kids with her you need to encourage her to get help, for the sake of the kids. Otherwise they will grow up and learn the sames ways that she has, to cope with life. Even if you don't have kids, get help for yourself with a good counselor, before you choose to go sleep around and get yourself a hot babe for your right arm. There are pieces of you that need to heal and transform so that you don't go and attract another one like your wife, in a different body! Many blessings to you, I know this time is difficult! karenpohlman.com


I know this is the MENS clubhouse and all but ... as a woman.. I completely DISAGREE with both this woman and mslonely. Sexual mismanagement my arse... all just a bunch of fancy phrases for acting like a hoe imo.


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## tacoma

Triton said:


> I hope you can handle this ? IT TAKES ONE -TO FORGET ONE ! ROCK ON -MAN !


This.

If your wife is moving out she is either done with you or she wants a hall pass to **** who ever she wants while she's away.

I'd simply file D papers and see how she reacts
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## musicftw07

I worked out extensively and went to therapy. I specifically talked to my therapist about the rage I was experiencing, and he advised me to talk to other men about how they deal with anger. I got a wide variety of responses, and they helped me identify what seemed "right" and "wrong" for me.

I divorced my XWW immediately upon finding out. Wasn't interested in R of any kind. I put up with a lot of **** in that marriage and her cheating was the absolute final straw that broke the camel's back.

Getting a new, much hotter lady to have sex with also helped big time.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

ADestroyedMan said:


> So, when she's living on her own, she's going to have guys
> over. I know this. I just can't stand the thought of it.
> It's the only thing that's still driving me crazy. I can't tolerate
> the thought of her with someone else. Guys, if you've been
> through this, how do you quell the anger?


You get a gym membership, you lift, you listen to evil angry **** and lift some more. Then you finally just get over it. Takes awhile but the IDGAF sets in and you go on with your life. Eventually, you'll meet a worthy woman and make a better life for yourself and she will just be an unpleasant afterthought.


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