# Church



## TriednTired

Although, i am not a really religious i recently went to church with my wife about 8 mths ago+/- and I go off and on mostly to support my wife. My wife's mom lives with us and according to my wife she "used" to go to quite often when they were younger. Now my wife gets mad with me if I don't want to go to church and harps on me about it. Yet, never pushes her mom to go. As I stated I'm not religious, but I believe if she pressuring me to go, her mom should get the same treatment, seeing as how she introduced her to church now no longer goes. Am I wrong for asking my wife why doesn't her mother go, when she pressures me to go? I think she should go anyway if that's what she wants to do. It's like her going to church is dependent upon me going, that's wrong.


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## peacem

The church that I used to go to made it very clear that spouses should also attend and put pressure on those that turned up on their own. My father is an atheist and has never gone to church with my mother and she never really felt like a 'proper' Christian family. Someone in church once started a rumour that she was a single parent which upset her deeply at a time when there was a great deal of shame around being divorced. 

For me, I married into a very religious family where there is a rule that you have to go to church every week without exception. It was a shock and irritation for me as I only ever wanted to attend occasionally and when I got the Monday morning calls demanding an explanation for my absence I found myself lying outrageously - which I concluded wasn't very 'Christian'. I worked it out that I just couldn't live my life like that and stopped going altogether. 

You are an adult not a child - if you want to go - go, if you don't - don't. That is my advice.


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## Satya

I think it's less about church and more about wanting quality time with you.


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## arbitrator

TriednTired said:


> Although, i am not a really religious i recently went to church with my wife about 8 mths ago+/- and I go off and on mostly to support my wife. My wife's mom lives with us and according to my wife she "used" to go to quite often when they were younger. Now my wife gets mad with me if I don't want to go to church and harps on me about it. Yet, never pushes her mom to go. *As I stated I'm not religious, but I believe if she pressuring me to go, her mom should get the same treatment, seeing as how she introduced her to church now no longer goes. Am I wrong for asking my wife why doesn't her mother go, when she pressures me to go? I think she should go anyway if that's what she wants to do. It's like her going to church is dependent upon me going, that's wrong.*


*How about because your wife ain't married to her mother?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy

It's not your thing, so don't go, and make it clear that you won't be going ever again. Eventually she will stop harping on it - she's only doing so because you did occasionally in the past. Suggest she take her mother, but her mother isn't relevant to this, so don't try to make it so. Do other things together, where the two of you interact with each other. That's what quality time really is.


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## peacem

Satya said:


> I think it's less about church and more about wanting quality time with you.


You're right. That is probably exactly why she pressurises him and gets angry. However, if he doesn't enjoy being there it will not equate to quality time and eventually he will feel resentful. In the same way my husband likes to visit old abandoned railway lines on a Sunday morning, this would not be my ideal way of spending quality time though I am sure he would like the company.

What OP could try doing is saying he will meet her after church and they can do something together that they both like doing. Or maybe he could join in a church social event that isn't quite so religious.


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## SimplyAmorous

My husband never cared about church, could take it or leave it.. we did make some good friends there over the years though.. that branched into our lives outside church doors..

Looking back, I am thankful he went with me every opportunity he could.. I/ we no longer go unless our oldest is playing in the worship line up these days...sometimes I just miss the fellowship though...

If you are feeling resentful about it (seething inside, hating every minute of it).. you shouldn't be going.. this will only hurt your relationship long haul...I know I wouldn't want to bring someone who felt like this.. does she realize how you are feeling....that you dread it, can't wait to leave.. that basically it's just for "show".. that you get absolutely nothing out of the experience? 

Has she ever asked you how you feel...do you make remarks to give her a hint.. how does she respond ? Are their any pluses to attending.. have you made some friends there?


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## southbound

Maybe she takes her religion seriously, she loves you, and she is concerned about where you stand with God.

I don't know what kind of church she attends or what her religion is; I've discovered that even among the Christian religion, there are so many different beliefs and customs among them. I realize that church is a benign social gathering for some churches; it resembles a lot of other social gathering one might have in the community; they have dinner, activities, and so on, but Jesus is the topic as opposed to something else.

Some people, however, take serving God very seriously, and there is the issue of what happens after death. If she feels she must make an effort to have favor with God, she must be concerned if you do not. I would think that wanting only good things for those we love is a normal feeling. After all, just because someone chooses not to attend church or put God first in their life, that doesn't give them a pass in the heart of the believers, especially if it is someone they love and care about.


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## jimrich

TriednTired said:


> Although, i am not a really religious i recently went to church with my wife about 8 mths ago+/- and I go off and on mostly to support my wife. My wife's mom lives with us and according to my wife she "used" to go to quite often when they were younger. Now my wife gets mad with me if I don't want to go to church and harps on me about it.
> My late wife and I were best friend and would have NEVER become angry if we did not do this or that together so I am not sympathetic to a spouse getting angry with their partner over such silliness as going to church or not. It's both childish and INEXCUSABLE to pressure your best friend into ANYTHING! IMO, many "religious" folks are like Alcoholics who insist that you DRINK WITH THEM so they can feel VALIDATED & OK!
> Yet, never pushes her mom to go. As I stated I'm not religious, but I believe if she pressuring me to go, her mom should get the same treatment, seeing as how she introduced her to church now no longer goes. Am I wrong for asking my wife why doesn't her mother go, when she pressures me to go?
> You're WRONG for failing to stand up for your self and establish a correct and sensible relationship with your wife - who should be your best friend and NOT your WARDEN!
> 
> I think she should go anyway if that's what she wants to do. It's like her going to church is dependent upon me going, that's wrong. Best friends DO NOT do that to each other!


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## notmyrealname4

It could be that she is concerned with the salvation status of your soul because she is a serious Christian; but if she was that way, she'd also be putting the pressure on her mother too, so..I don't know.

I find the idea of going to church as "quality time" together, pretty funny, lol. You sit and listen, sing songs as a group, pray out loud as a group, interact superficially and politely as a group-----then leave. You could be sitting next to anyone, it's not an intimate activity.


I wouldn't go. But don't ever stop your wife from going either, if it makes her happy. Not that you are, I'm just saying; this is her thing; great, good for her.




> and when I got the Monday morning calls demanding an explanation for my absence



[sigh] Don't get me started, @peacem . I do remember having messages left on my answering machine, telling me how Satan was confusing me etc. etc......


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## browser

When you meet and ultimately marry a person, if you ignore religious differences you do so at your own peril.

These things need to be addressed, sooner rather than later. 

In my case, I've dated religious girls but I make it clear that I'll never set foot inside a religious institution of any kind unless it's a wedding (not my own) or a funeral. 

My present girlfriend, and probably my last, is athiest, as am I. Being on the same page in this regard makes a world of difference.


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## katiecrna

What does her mother have anything to do with it? It's strange you feel this way. For me, I would never pressure my parent to do anything, It's a parent, it's kind of disrespectful IMO.


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## notmyrealname4

katiecrna said:


> What does her mother have anything to do with it? It's strange you feel this way. For me, I would never pressure my parent to do anything, It's a parent, it's kind of disrespectful IMO.


Because the mother apparently was the one who started OP's wife on her spiritual path.

So, if the wife feels like religion and church attendance is important---why wouldn't she expect her mother to show the same diligence?

Also, the mother lives in their home; so that would be convenient for the wife and mother to travel to church together, I would think.


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## katiecrna

notmyrealname4 said:


> Because the mother apparently was the one who started OP's wife on her spiritual path.
> 
> 
> 
> So, if the wife feels like religion and church attendance is important---why wouldn't she expect her mother to show the same diligence?
> 
> 
> 
> Also, the mother lives in their home; so that would be convenient for the wife and mother to travel to church together, I would think.




It's weird that he even thinks like that. It reminds me of a child saying... well Bobby doesn't have to eat his vegetables why do I??? Her mother is irreverent. She wants to go to church with her husband.


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## EunuchMonk

Your wife must not be paying attention in church then. You can’t force people to love Jesus. That is a decision they must make, otherwise it is fake and just a way to breed one more hypocrite in the pews. And, trust me, we are at capacity with hypocrites. We don’t need anymore.

I cringe at some folks who knowingly get into a relationship with someone who doesn’t share their faith then tries to force said faith upon them. Salvation by coercion! Smh!

OP, tell your old lady that’s not how Christianity works. Christian service can not be given grudgingly. It must be a decision that someone is happy to make.


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## 2ntnuf

Honor thy father and thy mother. I think that's how it goes? Been so long.

So then, how many here would be acting against this? I suppose those of you who are not at all familiar with certain religious beliefs and or have little to no respect for parents?

Maybe you would say they aren't your parents? 

Too bad you didn't consider her beliefs and desires important, before you got married, TnT. I'm sorry you are going through this. The way I see it, she will always have a hole in her heart where this is concerned, that you can never fill. Sadly, if she loves you, she will only attempt to persuade you to go until she gives up, because that little piece of her heart is broken forever.


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## notmyrealname4

2ntnuf;17066394
[B said:


> Too bad you didn't consider her beliefs and desires important, before you got married, TnT. [/B] I'm sorry you are going through this. The way I see it, she will always have a hole in her heart where this is concerned, that you can never fill. Sadly, if she loves you, she will only attempt to persuade you to go until she gives up, because that little piece of her heart is broken forever.




That's true, 2ntnuf; but it doesn't seem like the wife gave due consideration to the fact that her husband wasn't religious before they got married.




> Although, i am not a really religious i recently went to church with my wife about 8 mths ago+/- and I go off and on mostly to support my wife.


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## browser

2ntnuf said:


> Too bad you didn't consider her beliefs and desires important, before you got married, TnT.


It's too bad SHE didn't consider his (lack of) beliefs and desires important, before they got married.


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## 2ntnuf

notmyrealname4 said:


> That's true, 2ntnuf; but it doesn't seem like the wife gave due consideration to the fact that her husband wasn't religious before they got married.


She isn't the one here complaining. Nor, would a religious woman think that a man asking her to marry would be so out of touch with who she is, he would care too little to pay attention to her actions. I suppose I am making the assumption that she went to church regularly while they were dating, just as you are making the assumption that she isn't intelligent? Rather than, she might be following her beliefs and trusting in the man she will be trusting(or maybe that's have to trust) the rest of her life?


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## notmyrealname4

2ntnuf said:


> She isn't the one here complaining. Nor, would a religious woman think that a man asking her to marry would be so out of touch with who she is, he would care too little to pay attention to her actions. I suppose I am making the assumption that she went to church regularly while they were dating, just as you are making the assumption that she isn't intelligent? Rather than, she might be following her beliefs and trusting in the man she will be trusting(or maybe that's have to trust) the rest of her life?


I didn't assume she wasn't intelligent?? I don't think she paid enough attention to her fiance/husband's level of religious interest. Love will do that to you.


When you trust someone; that's on you. Whether they honor that trust or not is on them. Sad but true.


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## 2ntnuf

notmyrealname4 said:


> I didn't assume she wasn't intelligent??
> 
> That's true.
> 
> I don't think she paid enough attention to her fiance/husband's level of religious interest. Love will do that to you.
> 
> Infatuation will do that, not love.
> 
> When you trust someone; that's on you. Whether they honor that trust or not is on them. Sad but true.
> 
> Trust is earned. So, there must have been some reason for the trust she gave. Bait and switch, I don't know. Probably a combination of some of that and some infatuation.


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## katiecrna

This is getting counterproductive. 
OP your wife loves you and she is happy when you go to church with her. Although she knew that you weren't religious, you gave her a sliver of hope by going to church with her every once in a while. Here are your options. 1. Go to church with her because it makes her happy. 2. Sit her down and tell her that church is not your thing, and you would appreciate it if she stopped pressuring you to go. And that she needs to respect your decision not to go. 
3. Tell her #2, but tell her that you will be happy to go with her every once in a while when you want to but you will decide when you want to go and she shouldn't pressure you.


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## browser

katiecrna said:


> This is getting counterproductive.
> OP your wife loves you and she is happy when you go to church with her. Although she knew that you weren't religious, you gave her a sliver of hope by going to church with her every once in a while. Here are your options. 1. Go to church with her because it makes her happy. 2. Sit her down and tell her that church is not your thing, and you would appreciate it if she stopped pressuring you to go. And that she needs to respect your decision not to go.
> 3. Tell her #2, but tell her that you will be happy to go with her every once in a while when you want to but you will decide when you want to go and she shouldn't pressure you.


4. She denounces her religion and god and becomes an athiest and you can spend your Sunday mornings doing something really fun.


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## 2ntnuf

5. You knew I wasn't interested in your religion when we married. And, I never will be.

6. I'd hoped you would relinquish your beliefs after we were married for a little while. Our marriage would be so much simpler, if you would.

7. I will never convert to your religion. I will not attend any services or family gatherings related to your religious beliefs, without feeling awkward to say the least, and resentful. That resentment may well build over our lives and cause issues as we attempt to deal with life's worries, troubles and the growth and development of our children. 

8. I love you, but I don't want to put you through all of that for me. So, we need to talk this out with a counselor from church and one from the secular world. I don't see any other way we can both feel represented, and I don't want you to feel forced to do anything. I care too much for you. 

9. What do you think?


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## browser

10. It's disrespectful, unfair, and overstepping to try to get your significant other to follow your beliefs that they don't agree with.


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## browser

I think most people of religion don't realize how uncomfortable it is for us atheists to sit in a religious institution and listen to all the claptrap being spewed there and being eaten up like it's going out of style by people who seem to be out of their freaking minds.

That's how I felt when I was at a funeral and there was a religious service and the people, some of whom I knew fairly well (but I had never seen them during a religious ceremony), were crossing themselves and bowing their heads and saying hail Marys and Amens and praising God, and I felt like I was in a bad movie where people were being converted to zombies or aliens and I was the only one left to save the world.


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## katiecrna

browser said:


> 10. It's disrespectful, unfair, and overstepping to try to get your significant other to follow your beliefs that they don't agree with.




You are stretching. Why are you making her out to be this monster? Your putting negative ideas in the OP head about his wife, how is this going to help him? You have so much animosity over this topic.

He went to church with her before. She is not forcing him to believe anything, she wants him to go to church with her again bc she liked it. Geez. She is not a terrible person. That is his wife who he loves.


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## zookeeper

You could just be generous and do this with her, since it is so important to her. Is she a good wife to you? An hour once a week does not seem like all that much to show your wife that her needs are important to you. 

You don't mention that you are somehow ideologically offended by the services. Your main argument seems to be the childish assertion, "why do I hafta if she don't hafta?"

Do you know where marriages end up when spouses only participate in the things THEY want? Yeah, you do.


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## becareful2

Just gently let her know that church doesn't do anything for you but you still go because it's important to her, and that you do it because you love her. Consider that hour or so an investment in your marriage. Flirt with her on the way to church and afterward on the way home.:wink2:


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## notmyrealname4

OP,

How religious were you when your wife and you first met and were dating?

I'm trying to figure out if you bait-and-switched her, "oh yeah, I believe in God, uh-huh"; and you played the role of pew-warmer because you were physically attracted to her and you wanted to get married.

Or, [be honest] did your wife ignore the signals that you obviously weren't interested in church? You reluctantly attended services with her; and told her "I'm not really into this". Yet because she wanted to get married; she brushed that over.


If you do decide to go; just do it occasionally. And she should occasionally do something with you instead of going to church on Sunday.

I think her mom going with her is a great idea.


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## 2ntnuf

nmrn4,

I think that's a great question. 

He hasn't been back, so he must not like our ideas. Maybe he realized something about himself? 

If it were me, I wouldn't like the idea that I would have to miss church on Sunday once in a while, since it would be a mortal sin. 

Though I've committed many sins, and still do, my thoughts were that she may not want her husband there, if he isn't going to eventually convert. I wouldn't want a wife of mine to go, if she was made to feel so terribly by it. It would be worse to put up with that, than to go alone or with a friend/relative. 

I think they need to talk about this at length and with as much openness and honesty as they can stand. It seems that important.

At the basis of many of the posts is compromise, and I do believe that's the right direction to take. Whatever that looks like, they'll have to decide. 

In the end, if he is so upset that he starts a thread on it, maybe he should consider divorcing her before they have children who will see all the arguments about whether or not they should be taught his or her beliefs? 

For me, it's really sad because a little openness and honesty could easily have circumvented this before marriage.


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## Diana7

TriednTired said:


> Although, i am not a really religious i recently went to church with my wife about 8 mths ago+/- and I go off and on mostly to support my wife. My wife's mom lives with us and according to my wife she "used" to go to quite often when they were younger. Now my wife gets mad with me if I don't want to go to church and harps on me about it. Yet, never pushes her mom to go. As I stated I'm not religious, but I believe if she pressuring me to go, her mom should get the same treatment, seeing as how she introduced her to church now no longer goes. Am I wrong for asking my wife why doesn't her mother go, when she pressures me to go? I think she should go anyway if that's what she wants to do. It's like her going to church is dependent upon me going, that's wrong.


This is a very good reason not to marry someone who doesn't share your faith. I have friends with non Christian husbands, but they never expect them to go to church, I dont think your wife should, but I expect she finds it hard sitting there alone when other women have their husbands. Is it really that hard to give her that short time each week and go with her?


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## Diana7

browser said:


> I think most people of religion don't realize how uncomfortable it is for us atheists to sit in a religious institution and listen to all the claptrap being spewed there and being eaten up like it's going out of style by people who seem to be out of their freaking minds.
> 
> That's how I felt when I was at a funeral and there was a religious service and the people, some of whom I knew fairly well (but I had never seen them during a religious ceremony), were crossing themselves and bowing their heads and saying hail Marys and Amens and praising God, and I felt like I was in a bad movie where people were being converted to zombies or aliens and I was the only one left to save the world.


Sounds like that was a RC service, I wouldnt go there either. We like churches that are relaxed and informal and friendly.


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## Diana7

peacem said:


> The church that I used to go to made it very clear that spouses should also attend and put pressure on those that turned up on their own. My father is an atheist and has never gone to church with my mother and she never really felt like a 'proper' Christian family. Someone in church once started a rumour that she was a single parent which upset her deeply at a time when there was a great deal of shame around being divorced.
> 
> For me, I married into a very religious family where there is a rule that you have to go to church every week without exception. It was a shock and irritation for me as I only ever wanted to attend occasionally and when I got the Monday morning calls demanding an explanation for my absence I found myself lying outrageously - which I concluded wasn't very 'Christian'. I worked it out that I just couldn't live my life like that and stopped going altogether.
> 
> You are an adult not a child - if you want to go - go, if you don't - don't. That is my advice.


Most churches are not like that, they are being cultish.


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