# Has TAM Changed on Divorce vs. Reconciliation?



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Years ago, I thought that this site has reconciliation as the default position and the other place has divorce as the default. Was that the case in the past and has it changed?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

CraigBesuden said:


> Years ago, I thought that this site has reconciliation as the default position and the other place has divorce as the default. Was that the case in the past and has it changed?


I’m not sure about historical positions, I imagine it changes with the people on TAM. Everyone gets banned eventually I think 🤣 

I think reconciliation is the marital goal, even in infidelity. But not at any price. The life and mental health of the betrayed comes first.

In infidelity, R starts with divorce as odd as that sounds. It takes a divorce-sized hammer to make some cheaters realize what they've chosen. In the rare scenario when the cheater finds their way back to the land of fidelity and is demonstrating remorse, then the betrayed should consider reconciliation. The divorce can be stopped.

But more often than not, the cheater goes their own way. If reconciliation is tried, it would only be more pain for the betrayed. Nobody wants that.

For matters not involving infidelity or abuse, there is a wider range of opinions. People like me think that people and marriages are not “throw away”. Trying to fix the problems (even if there’s short term pain and unhappiness) is well worth it in the longer view.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

I definitely think TAM is pro D...Read most threads on infidelity here. SI is a pro R forum
IMO


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Well, adultery isn't something that just kicks you in the balls and then disappears, it's a slow burn, a gradual mental funk that usually culminates with the cheat-ee feeling like there's no way to trust the SO again. Eventually they come to terms with the fact that the only option is divorce.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

CraigBesuden said:


> Years ago, I thought that this site has reconciliation as the default position and the other place has divorce as the default. Was that the case in the past and has it changed?


I don't think that my comments have changed that much over the time I have been on TAM. I still feel that those who marry should be "committed" to making the marriage work through the good and bad times, otherwise they should not have gotten married. I also feel that if there are small children, that both parties should try to reconcile the marriage.

From my own personal experience, having been in a sex starved marriage, I recognized that if I had just divorced my wife and moved on, I probably would not have healed, changed, and improved myself. I would have likely gotten into another failed relationship. I felt it was better to try to reconcile and find out about my failings prior to divorce. However, I recognized that if we couldn't reconcile within a reasonable time, I would divorce my W.

So basically, I am pro-marriage and I am pro-reconciliation. However, I have noticed a lot more obvious train-wreck postings by people who are not really committed to their marriage. There also seem to be more, people who are living together rather than married who are complaining about infidelity or other problems that use to be associated with married couples.

I understand that you can't force a partner to change if they don't want to change. And if both partners are not fully committed to reconciling, the chance of one pulling off a reconciliation is slim to none.

Just my thoughts.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm very anti-reconciliation.

After reading infidelity and reconciliation message boards for years, what's really stood out is the incredible lack of self-respect and dignity displayed by most betrayed spouses as they desperately try to find a way to accept the unacceptable. You see a lot of them posting YEARS later saying they're still unsettled, still untrusting, still monitoring their cheaters, and for many, posting with new evidence they've found of their cheater up to no good *again*.

With age comes wisdom. I firmly believe that anyone who can **** all over you day after day after day by hiding things, lying, betraying and deceiving you - yet still smile at you and kiss you while lying to your face about where they just were - is someone not *WORTHY* of reinvesting in.

I'm not quite sure what the 'party line' on TAM is, but I know _my_ party line is zero tolerance for cheaters - male OR female.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

CraigBesuden said:


> Years ago, I thought that this site has reconciliation as the default position and the other place has divorce as the default. Was that the case in the past and has it changed?


I think lots of people jump on the pro D bus way too often and soon. It's almost toxic. I don't really like to give advise because I feel like we are only getting half the story and the OP is obviously posting in a manner that passes over other issues that are contributing to the topic. Unless it's infidelity or abuse, I think most issues can be overcome if couples put their pride aside for a moment.

Listen to your partner
Respect your partner
Have regular sex with your partner

It's really simple and doesn't require some stupid self help books or throwing cash at a marriage counselor.

Do those things and your marriage just might survive.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Reconciliation is for those that just can’t respect themselves enough to overcome fear. Me personally I think it’s for losers … I could never do it and look at myself in the mirror again. 

Pedestal placer types are great at reconciliation because they already let their spouse know that they believe they are more valuable than themselves long ago. That type doesn’t mind eating poop sandwiches.


Summary: A spouse is someone who is a compliment to your life … not the entirety of your life. Reconciliation is for those who don’t understand this


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

CraigBesuden said:


> Years ago, I thought that this site has reconciliation as the default position and the other place has divorce as the default. Was that the case in the past and has it changed?


Nope. Not since I've been here.
You may be thinking of SI. They favor rugsweeping reconciliation.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The longer I read the stories and think back on the results of “reconciliation” regarding cheating, the more foolish I believe it is to do it.

once you get married, you’ve made a vow. Once it’s broken by infidelity, you now know without doubt that your value is not what the cheater claimed it was. To think that reconciling and accepting that allowing them to break their promise with no consequences is going to RAISE one’s value to their partner somehow, is illogical. Divorcing a cheater is the logical response and allowing one’s love for the cheater to blind them into self harm is just giving them a blank check to do it again.

if you’re going to reconcile, at least take away the legal contract that can be used against you in the future, and also formally cancel the vows that the cheater already voided.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

I will always advocate divorce. My pride won't allow me to forgive a traitor.


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