# I'm a stepfather but daughter doesn't know it



## mogforu007

Me and my wife have been together for 8 years(3 yrs married). In high school me and her broke up. Me and her got back together and she found out she was pregnant by another man. He wanted nothing to do with the baby and I have been a part of my daughter's life from the beginning. Now me and my wife are having a disagreement on when to tell her that I'm not her biological father. I think we should tell her when she is around 8 yrs old early on so that she does not get older and find out and feels like her parents have been lying to her. I want to sit down with her and try the best that you can to explain to an 8 year old that I'm not her father, but reassure that I love her and all ways will. My wife thinks that we should keep it a secret. Which I would be okay with that but my mother in-law is the kind of person that will tell just because it will cause drama and hurt people. I just don't want to hurt my daughter in the future. I love her with all my heart and treat her just the same as my other daughter(8 months). So what should I do I want to tell her when she gets older, but my wife is very against it?


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## FieryHairedLady

I think a plan towards letting her know that you are her father, cause you are, but not her "biological" dad would be appropriate.


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## Entropy3000

I suggest you raise her as your own. You are her father. Maybe later on, well past 8 for sure she can learn you are not her biological father if you want. You really are her father now. If and when you tell her, tell her you chose to be her father.

So I don't like deceit by any means, and that includes lying by omission, but you are her father now. I feel 8 is too young to even go there. If it comes up explain that what matters to being a father is that you are there for her and love her.

If it were me, I would not worry so much about the MIL. If she says something down play it like it is meaningless and again explain sure but I am your dad. I chose you and love. Not being your bilogical father means nothing to your family.


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## borninapril

I would wait a couple more years before you even bring it up, but it's a good idea that you and your wife talk about it. I was raised by my Stepfather (though I only refer to him as such when explaining the whole story to other people) and was told around the age of eight. It really didn't affect me as I didn't really understand it at the time. However I do have a friend that found out the man who raised him was not his father because a drunken uncle mentioned it at a party when he was in his twenties. It caused him a lot of pain and strained the relationship between his parents and him self for quite some time. So basically I'm saying wait until about he age of twelve, but don't put it off completely or it will bite you in the a$$.


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## Entropy3000

Eventually they will want to hunt down thier biological father. It is natural and normal for them to want to do this. Commonly that is done after they get on their own.

Have you guys talked about that?


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## golfergirl

Entropy3000 said:


> Eventually they will want to hunt down thier biological father. It is natural and normal for them to want to do this. Commonly that is done after they get on their own.
> 
> Have you guys talked about that?


How old is she now? Don't wait for a day to spring it on her. Be matter of fact from start so she always knows. My daughter was conceived out of wedlock. She knew from day one she was dancing in mom's tummy at my and her dad's wedding. Not graphic but when she was old enough to put it together, she was never deceived. It hurts to have people keep things from you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dalayla

Honestly, if it was about me and my parents, I would not wanna know the truth. In your case, mother in law seems quite mean, sorry to say it like that. As for the age, it really depends on the kid. Teanage years are the taughest one, so its whetehr she should get used to the idea before or quite after those years. To me, parents are simply those who love you.


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## mogforu007

Entropy3000 said:


> Eventually they will want to hunt down thier biological father. It is natural and normal for them to want to do this. Commonly that is done after they get on their own.
> 
> Have you guys talked about that?


Yes we have talked about it, and I'm dreading that but there is nothing Ican do about that. All I can do is let her know I love her with all my heart and that she will allways be my daughter.


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## golfergirl

Tell her now. Not a big sit down, just talk about what makes a dad a dad is being there for their kids. How you've been there since day one, even though a different daddy put her in her mom's tummy. When others are in on 'family secret', it doesnt even need a busy-body MIL to spill the beans - could even be an accident.


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## mogforu007

golfergirl said:


> Tell her now. Not a big sit down, just talk about what makes a dad a dad is being there for their kids. How you've been there since day one, even though a different daddy put her in her mom's tummy. When others are in on 'family secret', it doesnt even need a busy-body MIL to spill the beans - could even be an accident.


And that is exactly what I want to do, but my wife feels strongly about keeping it a secret. She feels that there is no way she will find out. Even if my mother in-law doesn't tell(which I doubt) I feel it will come out anyway. I just want to do what is best for my daughter. I don't want to lie to her, and I don't want her to find out when she is older and feel betrayed. I feel as her parent I need to try to open and honest with her. So how do I get my wife on board with talking to her?


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## turnera

Tell her now, but also deal with your wife's real issue - her shame at how it came about. 

If you don't make it a big deal, your 8 year old won't, either. At their age, whatever you tell her is just what people do, kwim? If you build it up into some sort of issue, she'll feel like she has to, too.

Do some research, and find some books or psychology articles about how and why and when to tell, then read the articles to your wife.


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## meson

turnera said:


> Tell her now, but also deal with your wife's real issue - her shame at how it came about.
> 
> If you don't make it a big deal, your 8 year old won't, either. At their age, whatever you tell her is just what people do, kwim? If you build it up into some sort of issue, she'll feel like she has to, too.
> 
> Do some research, and find some books or psychology articles about how and why and when to tell, then read the articles to your wife.


:iagree: My mom had issues learning about her biological dad and that caused a rift in her relationship with her stepfather when it was discovered. Kids are more adaptable than we give them credit for. The real issue that needs to be covered is dealing with the past.


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## golfergirl

mogforu007 said:


> And that is exactly what I want to do, but my wife feels strongly about keeping it a secret. She feels that there is no way she will find out. Even if my mother in-law doesn't tell(which I doubt) I feel it will come out anyway. I just want to do what is best for my daughter. I don't want to lie to her, and I don't want her to find out when she is older and feel betrayed. I feel as her parent I need to try to open and honest with her. So how do I get my wife on board with talking to her?


I would tell wife if it's mentioned in passing here and there as some of the examples I mentioned (I'm sure others have better ideas) it will never be a big deal. If she is deceived (even by omission) til she's older, she will struggle and question your love for her. Tell your wife that. Maybe reassure your wife that what you're doing every day with her (daughter) means she's yours in the heart and that's the only way it matters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl

golfergirl said:


> I would tell wife if it's mentioned in passing here and there as some of the examples I mentioned (I'm sure others have better ideas) it will never be a big deal. If she is deceived (even by omission) til she's older, she will struggle and question your love for her. Tell your wife that. Maybe reassure your wife that what you're doing every day with her (daughter) means she's yours in the heart and that's the only way it matters.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To add, how this is handled now is the difference between her feeling special and chosen by you or her mom's dirty little secret.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz

Is she your legal daughter at this point?

Is your name on the birth certificate or did you adopt her? 

Or not?

If you are not her legal parent, you need to get that going now.

I don't think you are under extreme pressure to reveal this to an 8-year-old.

Just always BE her father.


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## golfergirl

michzz said:


> Is she your legal daughter at this point?
> 
> Is your name on the birth certificate or did you adopt her?
> 
> Or not?
> 
> If you are not her legal parent, you need to get that going now.
> 
> I don't think you are under extreme pressure to reveal this to an 8-year-old.
> 
> Just always BE her father.


Is she 8 OP?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mogforu007

michzz said:


> Is she your legal daughter at this point?
> 
> Is your name on the birth certificate or did you adopt her?
> 
> Or not?
> 
> If you are not her legal parent, you need to get that going now.
> 
> I don't think you are under extreme pressure to reveal this to an 8-year-old.
> 
> Just always BE her father.


Yes she is legally my daughter, and my name is on the birth certificate.


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## mogforu007

golfergirl said:


> Is she 8 OP?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im sorry I guess I wasn't completly clear. She is 4 and 8 was about the age I would like to tell her or maybe earlier.


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## golfergirl

golfergirl said:


> Is she 8 OP?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess this is why I feel so strongly on this:
My kid's stepmom is a real nutjob. In an effort to undermine my relationship with my daughter she told my then 12 year old girl that she was a mistake and she was only alive because my ex talked me out of having an abortion. Sweet hey? Had I not been honest with my daughter from day one, that psycho would have planted doubt in her mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore

I have a friend in a similar, yet slightly different situation as yours. He has legally adopted the little boy that his ex had 8 yrs after they broke up. It’s rather simple situation but a little unusual at the same time. When his ex discovered she was pregnant, the biological father was never to be seen from again. My friend has an older daughter with his ex and found himself spending some time with the new baby as well. The baby started talking and in modeling his older sister, started calling my friend “Daddy”. At first the mother tried to correct him, but obviously that is way too complicated of an explanation for a child who wasn’t even 2 yrs old. To top it off, the only male figure this little boy had contact with was his older sister’s dad (my friend).

Anyhow, my friend found himself spending more and more time with the little boy. Even picking him up for visitations as well. One day my friend asked his ex about adopting this little boy. The little boy is now 7 yrs old and has no clue my friend is not his biological father. They both agree he should eventually be told, however neither one is certain when the correct time/age will be.

At their request, I asked another very close female friend who was adopted at birth for her advice. When she was about 6 yrs old, her mother just sat her down and said, “The first woman couldn’t be your mommy. Your daddy and I wanted so much to love you and be your mommy and daddy. So we went to the hospital and brought you home to be our daughter. We are so very happy we are able to be your mommy and daddy.” 

My friend says she remembers her mom telling her this and always kind of knew she was adopted while growing up. She is glad her mom told her when she did. Had her mother waited until her teenage years, it probably would have made going through adolescence much harder. She is also glad her parents did not wait until she was an adult.

I don’t have my own personal answer for your situation. For what it’s worth, I just wanted to share adoption stories of those who I am close to.


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## mogforu007

Also another thing how do I bring up why the biological father is not around? I can't tell her he didn't want her. God this is such a tricky situation, but thanks for the comments I really appreciate them.


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## mogforu007

Wow just talked to my wife, and she said she doesn't care there is nothing I can say to make her want to tell are daughter. She is feeling that if we tell her then the daughter will want to met him. I told her that she can stop that from happening, but when she gets older she'll find out. Then she will unwanted by her biological father and lied to by her parents. She even said that it has nothing to do with me and it's her choice. So all of a sudden she wants to act like I'm not are daughters father and have no say. I know she wants me to just drop this, but I think this is serious. She is letting her feeling with the biological father, and what has happened between her and biological father, and step father get in the way. I just really don't know what to do.


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## turnera

Demand to go to a professional counselor to iron it out.


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## mogforu007

turnera said:


> Demand to go to a professional counselor to iron it out.


I already suggested this and she said that she wouldn't listen to what a counselor had too say. I even asked her to look at this post and she said she didn't care what other people had to say.


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## turnera

Then I'd say you have a big legal, moral, MARITAL, and ethical problem on your hand. Your wife seems to want you to take care of her and her child, as long as you don't get too big for your britches. 

Are you sure she didn't just settle on you to have a man provide for her?


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## golfergirl

golfergirl said:


> I guess this is why I feel so strongly on this:
> My kid's stepmom is a real nutjob. In an effort to undermine my relationship with my daughter she told my then 12 year old girl that she was a mistake and she was only alive because my ex talked me out of having an abortion. Sweet hey? Had I not been honest with my daughter from day one, that psycho would have planted doubt in her mind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ETA; I never wanted an abortion, that was a lie.

OP - fine if your wife disagrees with bunch of people on a message board. Fine if she disagrees with you. But the conflict doesn't end at doing it her way. Why is she so stubborn? Why not ask the opinion of a therapist for the good of her daughter? That's just cruel! Is she so pushy on all disagreements or just this topic?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore

The little boy I mentioned in my previous post has a serious asthma condition which has developed over the past few years. One of the few medical conditions known about the biological father is that he has asthma and his brother DIED from a severe asthma attack. Having knowledge of this information is very critical for my friend’s little boy. He has been to the Children’s ER 3 times and once was by ambulance.


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## golfergirl

TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore said:


> The little boy I mentioned in my previous post has a serious asthma condition which has developed over the past few years. One of the few medical conditions known about the biological father is that he has asthma and his brother DIED from a severe asthma attack. Having knowledge of this information is very critical for my friend’s little boy. He has been to the Children’s ER 3 times and once was by ambulance.


I'm moderate asthma sufferer and my heart breaks for poor kid!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mogforu007

turnera said:


> Then I'd say you have a big legal, moral, MARITAL, and ethical problem on your hand. Your wife seems to want you to take care of her and her child, as long as you don't get too big for your britches.
> 
> Are you sure she didn't just settle on you to have a man provide for her?


I'm sure that's not the cause when I lost my job, and we was going through financial hell she was there for me and supported me. We have been through a lot and have always stuck by each other. She is a good woman she just has some issues to work out in regards to this.


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## mogforu007

golfergirl said:


> ETA; I never wanted an abortion, that was a lie.
> 
> OP - fine if your wife disagrees with bunch of people on a message board. Fine if she disagrees with you. But the conflict doesn't end at doing it her way. Why is she so stubborn? Why not ask the opinion of a therapist for the good of her daughter? That's just cruel! Is she so pushy on all disagreements or just this topic?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She usually is not this pushy. We usually come to a compromise its just she is dead set against this. It comes from the fact that her mother told her about her biological father, and he is the text book dead beat, Alcoholic, and drug addict. I thinks she wishes to save are daughter heart ache and disappointment from her biological father. She always says she wish her mother never told her. I understand her hurt and I feel her heart is in the right place, but I think she might be causing more problems for are daughter in the future.


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## turnera

Then why do you have no rights regarding your daughter?


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## mogforu007

turnera said:


> Then why do you have no rights regarding your daughter?


I usually do with everything else dealing with my daughter. It is this one topic she won't let me have any say, and start to treat me like step dad. It is something recent though I never brought it up before, but now my daughter is getting older. We also have another daughter and I'm worried she will start noticing that they don't quite look the same.


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## golfergirl

mogforu007 said:


> I usually do with everything else dealing with my daughter. It is this one topic she won't let me have any say, and start to treat me like step dad. It is something recent though I never brought it up before, but now my daughter is getting older. We also have another daughter and I'm worried she will start noticing that they don't quite look the same.


Are they different races? Same dad and I have a blonde and a dark hair genetics can do weird things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Then, again, I'd just say that you are going to have to take this to a professional.


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## mogforu007

golfergirl said:


> Are they different races? Same dad and I have a blonde and a dark hair genetics can do weird things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm black, my wife is Hispanic, and the biological father is black. The problem is I'm darker than him. Not charcoal black, but darker. My youngest is already darker than her sister so it's just a matter of time that she notices. Plus my youngest looks exactly like me.


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## golfergirl

mogforu007 said:


> I'm black, my wife is Hispanic, and the biological father is black. The problem is I'm darker than him. Not charcoal black, but darker. My youngest is already darker than her sister so it's just a matter of time that she notices. Plus my youngest looks exactly like me.


Kids wouldn't notice that. I have 4 kids total (2 different dads) and no two look alike. I meant if everyone was caucasion except you - then that is more something that would be questioned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mogforu007

Me and my wife talked and she said she is willing to tell are daughter when she is 12. She says that she wants her to be an age where she can understand. I thought that might be a little older than I wanted, but I'm okay as long as my wife goes to see an counselor and work through her father issues


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## turnera

I'm really proud of you for persisting on something you feel so strongly about. That's what a good marriage is all about. Twelve is fine, as long as you do it in a loving way. I'm sure she'll feel completely loved so it won't be an issue. And good for you on pushing for the counseling for your wife. You will all benefit from it.


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## golfergirl

QUOTE=turnera;370195]I'm really proud of you for persisting on something you feel so strongly about. That's what a good marriage is all about. Twelve is fine, as long as you do it in a loving way. I'm sure she'll feel completely loved so it won't be an issue. And good for you on pushing for the counseling for your wife. You will all benefit from it.[/QUOTE]

Proud of you too just because it's not 'my way' doesn't mean it's wrong. You discussed a tough issue and got some results. Proud of you too for knowing what a REAL dad is. You're a really decent man and your family is lucky!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mogforu007

I just want to thank all of you for your comments and support. yall really helped me out.


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## Mom#2Bliss

Mogforu007~
My husband's middle child (my stepson 8yrs old) learned this year, that my husband is not his biological father. He started asking questions like "why is my last name not the same as daddy's?" and they are hispanic "Why is my skin not dark like daddy's?" We just always told him we would explain it to him when he is older. His biological mother decided to tell him in a deceitful, not letting us know kind of way. We disagreed telling him at this age, as he is too young to understand the family dynamics of the situation. However, she told him. He doesn't seem to understand it much. He just says he has another dad out there, but that my husband is his real dad now. I believe you should definately tell her but at a more mature age. Right now she may take it badly thinking you are not her daddy... or she may take it like my stepson, and be really aloof to it, and just say it doesn't matter. He hasn't asked much about it since the conversation. My husband's exwife has since contacted the bilogical father, wanting child support (even though she gets it from us~yea a whole other story)...and the biological father went to the court house and gave up his rights... Now my husband has legally adopted him. However, whether you adopt her or not, whether you are on the birth cert. or not, you still have rights. We sought a lawyer for the situation and they said my husband has rights to him since he has had him since he was 1yr old, and he is the only father the boy knows. My husband would be what is called the "presumed father" and has rights. We have 50% custody of him now. Good luck to you, as I know this is a very difficult, emotional situation.


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## mayatatia

from what I have always heard.... it's better to be up front when she is young. Perhaps going to child therapist first to help you word it and prepare for it will help everyone.


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