# Please help, so confused



## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I'm not sure if I will ever get past this and i need some advice on what to do so i can just move on which ever way i need to be going. I've been married for 3 years and with him for 7, when we dated i was always the one to initiate sex... always... and we'd have it every weekend pretty much, I'd offer to try new things and he never seemed intereseted, I found him watching a porn and i asked if he wanted to watch together and he didn't want to. I eventually told him that i was tired of always being the one to start sex and i wanted him to be more aggressive, and after we got married we talked and i told him that i needed him to be the one to start it and so it dwindled down to nothing because he never did. I just took it as he wasn't that interested in sex and sort of prude, but i was ok with that because he treated me great and i trusted him and knew that he'd make a great father someday... blah blah... well fast foward a year into the marriage i was on our laptop (I'm not a snoop) I saw some wierd videos that he had downloaded and then figured out they were porn, then i looked at the history and pretty much from the min i went to sleep he was on porn for hours every single day...there was tons! (now i feel like a snoop) It was to the point of being obsesive, it hurt me because i wasn't getting it from anywhere and he was getting his jollys without thinking about how that would effect me. Just the sheer amount bothered me- I confronted him and he said he always watched porn which was well hidden from me the entire time we dated, he said he was sorry and he didn't mean to hurt me. After that I tried to be the best porn star i could be even though i just wanted to cry i was trying to do what those other girls were doing for him, so we started having sex and i guess it improved for a month or so, but now it's probably been a year since we've had sex... it's partly me because i just don't get turned on by him anymore, not that he's tried, but i'm sure not going to initiate it. I've checked again and he still looks up sites, but nothing like the first time i found out. That time had been going on for 7 months before i found all the porn. If it was up to me i'd like sex a few times a week and it's been a year. He also has a drinking problem, it seems he goes from one addition to another and now i'm scared to have kids with him because he's not the person i thought he was, he's also abusive to animals and that scares me that he could be that way with kids. I do love him and he treats me great except for the above..he's very affectionate without being sexual and has taken care of me after a unexpected surgery. I'm on anti-depressents, they don't make me happy, but they help me keep my emotions in check. I don't want to hurt him if i leave, but i want great sex. His drinking problems have improved, but he still has his issues and usually lies to be able to go out and drink and then ends up doing something stupid like driving and wrecking his car... ahhhhhhhhhh... help.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I was in a similar situation as you not too long ago. My H doenst look at porn anymore, but i did find a ton of it on his computer a few months after we moved in together. I was crushed. I tried what you said, i tried to be the porn star but it was so depressing. Eventually I realized that I just couldnt be in the relationship knowing he was going to be looking at porn all the time. so i told him either he goes to counseling for it and stops it completely, or I leave. that was a couple years ago. Last month he started getting into a habit of canceling his counseling appointments because he thought it was too expensive, so i let him know that if he does stop going that I will leave. 

Your H needs to be willing to get help. that's the bottom line. dont settle for this dysfunction. there can be better times for your marriage, but if he's not getting help, and you arent getting help, then its not going to go well. and please, do not have children with him until you are 100% happy with being with him.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

We went to counseling right after I found out about it, but she just brushed that issue aside and told him he was a alcoholic and needed to go to AA... which was a big issue, but i was more hurt by the porn. That was almost 2 years ago, I feel bad because i know how hard he is trying to make me happy, but i just don't look at him the same anymore, i thought he was a different person then he is, I thought he was conservative in that area and apparently he's not well at least not with what he watches. He NEVER intiates and i've been very blunt with him that is what i need. I'm having a hard time figuring out if i'd be any happier without him, but i don't want to stick with it for 20 years and then have regrets for not moving on. He's wanted kids for a while now and he knows i'm not ready, i know it would be hard enough to leave him without kids so i want to make sure that it's going to last and not complicate things with children yet... plus I'm sure a hug isn't going to make babies. thanks for your input, it's nice to know i'm not the only one that's been through this. thanks.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Blonddeee said:


> I feel bad because i know how hard he is trying to make me happy, but i just don't look at him the same anymore, i thought he was a different person then he is, I thought he was conservative in that area and apparently he's not well at least not with what he watches. He NEVER intiates and i've been very blunt with him that is what i need. I'm having a hard time figuring out if i'd be any happier without him, but i don't want to stick with it for 20 years and then have regrets for not moving on.


i know exactly what you mean. my H tries very hard to make me happy. but its just not working for me. for a long time i did feel bad that what he did didnt make me happy. but im kind of coming to terms with that. he cant deceive me that badly, and then turn around and buy me flowers and expect everything to be better.

I dont see my H the same anymore either. there was a time that i actually hated him. i dated men like him and i despised their vulgarity, their crude outlook on sex. I told one of my boyfriends that a 'real' gentlemen would never go into a 'gentleman's club'. My H knew this so he hide his addiction. Of course once i found out who i was really living with, i was just beside myself. I still kind of am. 

im just taking it one day at a time. its a lot to swallow. ive never had emotions like these before, ive never experienced all this before, so im not rushing to come to a conclusion. i just take it one day at a time, and i try to ask myself what i need to take care of my own happiness. 

My H also had a counselor who ignored the porn addiction. The counselor even told my H not to tell me when he watches it, which was against the agreement he had with me. I was so ticked off when i found this out that i really wanted to go punch the counselor. My H has a new counselor now and she's much better. she encouraged my H to put parental blocks on the computer. 

Coming to terms with the illusion of love that you've been living is really hard. it just takes time. you'll hurt and get angry, but just remember to take care of yourself. he wont understand the pain he's caused. you'll have to do things to help yourself.


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