# How long until you were able to be intimate again?



## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

A couple weeks ago my husband came home devastated. He told me he had done the one thing that could ruin our marriage. He actually came home from the other woman's house and told me of his affair. I was devastated. I've been going through all the crazy emotions that many of you have described. 

It was an isolated incident and he has since completely cut off contact with her and let me know that he is willing to try and fix things in our marriage. 

We still have lots to work through and lots to talk about, but we are both wanting to make this work. Some days are good and some days are bad, but I think we are moving in the right direction. 

For the first week or so we weren't even sleeping in the same room. It was just too hard. There were too many emotions and sleeping next to him made me sick. But the one thing I realized is that over the course of our relationship and marriage, even when we were angry when we went to bed, we always still slept in the same bed together. We were always still partners, even if we slept on opposite sides of the bed and didn't even touch each other. And we want to be partners in this, we want to move forward, so we are now sleeping in the same bed, but not having sex. 

I find myself very conflicted about this. I still love him, find him attractive and I want to be having sex with him. I want that connection and intimacy. I think I also want to feel desirable and sexy to him. I also think that having the right connection & intimacy can be good for us- for helping us move forward and fix things. 

We've always had a pretty good sex life and I enjoy having sex. But the other part of me doesn't want to do something that is detrimental to the progress we've made. I think if I initiated, he would be willing to have sex with me, but he wants to give me the space and/or time that I need before we become intimate again. 

So- how has this process been for each of you? Did you feel that you waited too long to have sex again? Did you have sex again too soon? I'm just feel crazy sometimes and want to do what's best for us, but I don't feel like I often know what that is.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

It is entirely your decision. Some couple engage in what is called hysterical bonding. Where they will have sex once or twice a day, for who knows how long. Other BS will never want to touch their spouse again. If you can have sex without feeling like you have compromised your feelings or your position in regard to reconciliation, then its "race you to the bedroom". Let me restate this point. Women judge their relationship with their husband by communication. Men judge it by the act of having sex. That is why men can have sex right after a knockdown drag out fight. It is the most important way of showing them that the marriage is sound. Ask a woman and its "Are you f***ing kidding me? That's the last thing I want". 

So now you have to decide. Do you want to make your husband feel like you are willing to forgive him? Understand that this is the MOST important show of intimacy and connection you can show a man. He sounds contrite and is willing to give you space. I can tell you right now, he is in mortal fear that even if you have sex, you will not have intimacy. I personally think, by your description of him, he will probably breakdown again if you reach out to him.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

Iwillsurvive:

One of the great things that has helped me so much on this forum is the ability to be completely honest....I don't personally know anyone here, and I think if I had to look you in the eye, being the conservative person that I am, I could never say the following in answer to your question.

When my husband confessed his brief affair, I remember telling him I could hardly stand to LOOK at him, let alone consider being intimate with him ever again. 

But the truth is, in my case, after only a few days, I found myself INCREDIBLY anxious to resume our sex life. After all the crying, yelling, talking, talking, talking, talking (we finally opened up to each other in a way we had not done for a long time), I could not (and can't even now) seem to keep my hands off him. 

And since I'm being perfectly honest here, this worried me a little....I thought maybe I was perverted or something. We had always enjoyed a good sex life, but the truth is, it had become a bit perfunctionary. 

Again, I'm a very conservative person. Not a prude, you understand, but maybe because of my catholic upbringing, I always had a little bit of trouble reconciling "really letting go" with my sex life and being a good catholic.......47 years old, and here I was for the first time in my life buying sexy lingerie, thinking about him all day, texting him. We have become like young lovers again (better, actually, because I'm old enough now to know my wants and EXPRESS them). 

Maybe this is all very Freudian.....my need to "make him mine again"......but it doesn't feel that way. It feels like we found each other again.

I don't think there's a wrong time to love someone again....sex too is part of the healing process after the affair. We aren't all on the same timetable. 

It sounds to me like you are ready, but only you can know that answer. Relax and when you are ready, he's there for you.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

A perfect example of hysterical bonding. :iagree:


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

Hey, Initfortheduration -

Quit calling me hysterical, lol


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

I don't know how well I can answer this because it is such a personal question but I will do my best. In my case, I did feel the intense need/want to be with my husband again (sexually) within a couple of weeks after he confessed. In my situation, my husband had distanced himself from me (and that includes physically) for at least a month before admitting to his affair-and no, he was not being intimate with her during that time. I knew this to be true which made it easier for me to work past that initial phase.

So, yes, it only took less than two weeks and I felt comfortable enough to do this. I felt it was vital to the healing of our relationship that I was able to do this. My husband was very patient and didn't/wouldn't push me into doing anything. We were trying so hard to reconnect with each other in those first weeks, by talking, touching, just being together, that sex was the next step that we both wanted to take. However, my husband made it clear that it was my choice as to when I was ready.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

For me....2 1/2 months passed before we even spoke to each other about us, so to be quite honest, I was very much desiring sex at that point, so it happened very quickly for us. But I do feel it was more about sex for me than actual intimacy. Kind of more of a physical carnal gratification then anything else. The intimacy/making love came after that initial sexual reconciliation. I believe that in my case, when we did make love for the first time, it really made him question again why he ever left in the first place. It was another strong lesson to him that the grass is not greener on the other side. 

I would recommend reading pages 100-105 of After the Affair. It may help you make this decision.


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## nascarfan (Feb 9, 2009)

WOW it has been so long that I don't remember but I want to say that it was 2 months or so.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Its your call .. only you know if its right for you .
Its a recovery process time to heal and also time to learn about each other again... for me it was even a time to become confident in bed again .
it took me at least 3 months to sleep with my husband again but a good six years before i was confident to take the lead ..
I t could have been a lot sooner if i had found this site earlier !! 
good luck


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

im afraid what your going through is the grieving process.
your emotions are very haywire at the moment.
one minute you love, then you hate, then your confused/ unsure then your sure , negative , positive, fight for your partner then you dont want them.
low self-esteem, let down by your partner and the cycle starts all over again.
my H had the one night stand last april. devastated me.
before the deed, my H had bookd a hotel for us. something we did as a couple n e way.
this was only 2 week later, my feelings were similar to yours.
the sex on the night was fab , except we on my command used condoms, something thats very strange for a H and W to have to do, when you shouldnt have to. 
i made my H get himself tested, so we were waiting for the results. it taught him a lesson and plus he had to do it for himself.
i would then go through phases of sex, no sex. sometimes i felt disgusting for what i was doing etc.
but we obviously stil had the chemistry for eachother, so it was a basis to start again on our marriage.


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