# Am I just naive? Is it time to go??



## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

I am hoping to get a lot of advice here and I will make this as simple as I can.
I have been married for 24 years. My H has had a drug problem for more than 10 years. He has been to rehab, counseling, and we even split up once for a few months. We got back together after his promise to never use again. He uses for a while (6 months to a year) then he will clean up for 2 or 3 months, then starts using again. This has caused many many problems in our marriage and I dont think I even feel the same about him anymore. I love him very much but something has been lost.
He is using again now and keeps telling me he just relapsed and is putting a stop to it. Well, he has been putting a stop to it for at least 5 months now. Maybe he is really trying and is just not able to quit. I'm not sure if he is being sincere and really trying or just manipulating me so he can continue to use and I will stay with him. He is very convincing when we talk. 
I'm sure he loves me and he tries to show me that every day. He works and supports me, he hugs me and talks to me if I am feeling down, he takes me places, does whatever he thinks will make me happy. However, the drugs have an effect on his mind. He gets very depressed, then very angry, etc.
I think about divorce every day, but for some reason I can not bring myself to leave. He convinces me that he loves me and is going to quit using and I always believe him. He knows how to talk to me, I dont know, maybe he is sincere. I guess I am in denial.
Most days I just want to walk out but I feel sorry for him and I also worry about what he will do if I leave. 
How do I cope? Is he really sincere or am I just naive? Please help! I am lost and confused and very unhappy. I dont want to hurt him and I dont want to make a big mistake.


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## scottdadoftwins (Apr 15, 2014)

Addiction is addiction. No one recovers and every addict has a propensity to slip. Living with, supporting, and forgiving an addict is a choice. For a long time you chose to stick with it. You showed compassion and you need to give yourself a lot of credit for that. But at some point you need to weigh the risks and rewards... not just pros and cons... the actual personal value (cost and benefit) of each direction you could take. Stay, Go, Stay a While, Go for a Short Break, etc... You have a lot of choices and you should write them down and add them up. Also it helps to use a calendar to map out the days you are happy to be married to this person, and the days you are not. Each night before bed put a + or a - next to the date. A detailed look may help you see the real big picture.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Personally, I won't stay with an addict. It doesn't help me and it sure doesn't help them.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Have you ever gone to a Nar_Anon meeting? it's a 12-step program for friends, families and partners of addicts, like Al-Anon specifically for addiction.

I think it might open your eyes regarding codependency and detachment, and enable you to stay while you clear your head enough to make a solid decision.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Are there kids in the home? If so, do they know dad is an addict?

You say he is trying to kick now, but is he in rehab or any other program? Even if you want to stay, there is nothing wrong with drawing a line in the sand and tell him that he must get in a program again. Yes addicts relapse, but I don't believe they can do it on their own. The drug is too powerful.


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