# Separated but Still in House



## MWF (May 21, 2021)

2 weeks ago my husband of 16 years (together 20), informed me that we he wanted us to separate (After many emotionally-charged conversations, countless tears, and some yelling and screaming). I felt pretty blindsided by this request, more so when it was revealed that he has been engaged in an affair for the past 2 months. 

Technically, we are separated. He has stopped wearing his ring, and h says we are married "on paper only." He is actively pursuing the other woman (who is separated from her husband). However, he is still in our house, saying we are now "roommates." It's been only 14 days since he told me all this (14 days to deal with this, after more than 7,000 days together), and I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around all this. 

Rather than sleep in the guest room, he is still sleeping in our marriage bed when he's here. 

I have tried to convince him to move out, but he's not willing to do so. 

Has anyone dealt with the "suddenly roommates" scenario?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I would move out and let him pay for it. 
It will relieve a lot of your stress.

Tell everyone, his family and yours.

Retain an attorney and file on him, immediately.

Are you employed?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How completely cruel and disrespectful. You need to find a way to set boundaries. So if he dating someone else he must leave. Make sure he doesn't share your bed, you don't have to let him. 
If he refuses then you may need to leave yourself but the first thing you must do is get some legal advise. 
Go from there.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Never move out of your home when a divorce is pending, Unless you are in physical danger in which case a restraining order is the way to go.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Typical cheater. They’ll cake eat as long as you let them. I hope you aren’t dragging you feet on this.


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## MWF (May 21, 2021)

I am employed - I make considerably more money than he does. I work from home and my home office is inside our house. I am loathe to be the one who has to move out. I do have an atty, and am working on moving forward. We have not told any family members yet, but have told a few of our closest friends. I know if I leave he won't take care of our (large) dog, so that also gives me pause at the prospect of leaving.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

MWF said:


> Rather than sleep in the guest room, he is still sleeping in our marriage bed when he's here.


He has some guts to do this. Does he expect you to sleep on the couch? Honestly, he should be sleeping on the couch, or move in with his new woman. Or rent an apartment. Why does he need to sleep in the bed? Are you in the bed too?

I also hope you're not cooking for him or doing his laundry. Do not make his life comfortable in any way.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

If you leave you will lose a significant negotiating edge in the divorce.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MWF said:


> I am employed - I make considerably more money than he does. I work from home and my home office is inside our house. I am loathe to be the one who has to move out. I do have an atty, and am working on moving forward. We have not told any family members yet, but have told a few of our closest friends. I know if I leave he won't take care of our (large) dog, so that also gives me pause at the prospect of leaving.


Yes I can see that you can't leave for those reasons. 
What does the attorney advise?
As for your bedroom, put a lock on the door and move all his stuff into the other room. There is no way that you should be forced to share a bed with a man who is having an affair. 
Please tell both families as well.


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## MWF (May 21, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Please tell both families as well.


Trying to find the right way to tell the families without really hurting THEM in the process. They are going to be destroyed by this, and our parents are older/in poor health. 

None of this is easy, is it? sigh.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MWF said:


> Trying to find the right way to tell the families without really hurting THEM in the process. They are going to be destroyed by this, and our parents are older/in poor health.
> 
> None of this is easy, is it? sigh.


No it's horrible. He should be the one to tell his family really but I doubt he will. So many are affected by these selfish actions. 
Is he honestly hoping that he can just stay there for good while he goes after the OW?
Are there children?


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## MWF (May 21, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> No it's horrible. He should be the one to tell his family really but I doubt he will. So many are affected by these selfish actions.
> Is he honestly hoping that he can just stay there for good while he goes after the OW?
> Are there children?


No children (by both our choice). I have no clue what he wants. He told me wanted to separate just 14 days ago... found out about the affair 10 days ago. This is all fresh and hard to grasp. I know people often say they are blindsided by this, but I truly was.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MWF said:


> No children (by both our choice). I have no clue what he wants. He told me wanted to separate just 14 days ago... found out about the affair 10 days ago. This is all fresh and hard to grasp. I know people often say they are blindsided by this, but I truly was.


He must realise that you won't just live this way? 
Just go along with what the lawyer says.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Lawyers don’t always get it right.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

IN most cases a spouse can't be forced to leave unless there is provable violence, etc...I don't know why he isn't at least "living/sleeping" somewhere else in the house? That makes no sense...

If you make more of the money and there are no kids, then I would just leave(or course consult with an attorney first to make sure you don't inadvertently give up rights)..ask a friend to care for the dog until you can get settled in a new living situation...Then just move on with your life....Kids are the hard part in these scenarios...You don't have that to deal with so that is a huge relief..


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Please ignore the terrible advice on this thread that says to leave your house.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Do NOT leave your home and place of business. Tell the slimebag that you want the home, and everything in it, and he can have everything else and that you won't go after him for support or his super. Tell him you want no further contact unless through your shark attorney. I'd actually consult with several shark attorneys - thereby rendering him screwed because they then can't represent him.

And blow up his world - tell his parents, his siblings, work mates, POSOW's family EVERYONE.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Trident said:


> Please ignore the terrible advice on this thread that says to leave your house.


So....

He won't leave.

She must live with this horrible man?
Why?

When all is done, the courts settle everything, (on the surface) fairly.

Each will likely get 50% of shared assets, no matter what.

Run, your moving out past your attorney. 

If a mortgage is in effect, that has to be paid into until some sort of settlement is reached.

Some ideas ARE NOT always the case. 

It MAY require some sort of legal separation prior to divorce.

*Spouses can not steal your house i*f you move out and you still pay your share, or whatever the legal settlement says.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MWF said:


> 2 weeks ago my husband of 16 years (together 20), informed me that we he wanted us to separate (After many emotionally-charged conversations, countless tears, and some yelling and screaming). I felt pretty blindsided by this request, more so when it was revealed that he has been engaged in an affair for the past 2 months.
> 
> Technically, we are separated. He has stopped wearing his ring, and h says we are married "on paper only." He is actively pursuing the other woman (who is separated from her husband). However, he is still in our house, saying we are now "roommates." It's been only 14 days since he told me all this (14 days to deal with this, after more than 7,000 days together), and I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around all this.
> 
> ...


1. Pack up all his **** and throw it out the door of the master bedroom, he is not entitled to be in there anymore. Tell him to pack his stuff and GTF out. If you cannot get him out, lock the master bedroom door, keep the key. I would throw all his clothes out the window onto the lawn, let everyone see. Do not leave your home., why should you? Stop cooking, cleaning, anything for him. 
2. Go see a bull dog lawyer and find out what are your rights are. Then have divorce papers ready for him. You say you earn more. While he is in the affair fog, manipulate him to get the best deal for you. You may need to move quickly. 
3. Find out if OW as a spouse or bf and advise them of what is happening
4. Do you have kids. If they are older kids, also tell them. Then tell all family and friends on both sides, hide nothing. Burst his little affair fantasy
5. You do not have to make any decisions about him now, as you have just be blind sided and are going to be emotional, grieving, etc. You will go through an emotional roller coaster. Contact a good friend or sibling to be there for you to walk through this with you. Then get yourself a good therapist or counsellor. When you are more settled you can make clearer decisions.
6. Go get STD tested.
7. Start doing the 180 on your POS WH. Do not cover for him with the kids or others (age appropriate). Let him do damage control. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Make sure the cake at home makes him ill as hell.
8. Your WH is not longer the man you knew, he is the enemy, proceed accordingly. Do not worry about pushing him away, you owe him no loyalty, you need to act and mean it.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

aine said:


> Your WH is not longer the man you knew, he is the enemy, proceed accordingly.


My cheating POSW tried to destroy my career.

We do people a disservice when we use the terms POSOM and POSOW. We need to tell it like it is, the POS is their spouse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Oh and you mentioned in the other thread that you are still having sex with him. Why? Apart from anything you are at risk from an std. 
Stop sharing a bed, stop having sex and start taking the advise of a good lawyer.
At this time you have not shown him any consequences for his ongoing affair. He has the best of both worlds.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Try to look at this, as a blessing, even though (short term) it is certainly a nightmare.

Three years from now, you will likely agree.

If, for no other reason, your life will be less complicated.

Eat well, sleep well, do some long walks to rid yourself of stress.
Bring the dog and maybe a girlfriend along for those walks and talks. Have lunch or brunch, or a light dinner afterwards.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> So....
> 
> He won't leave.
> 
> ...


Good question, glad you asked, please allow me to clear up some serious misconceptions.

Most divorces do not go to trial, the parties settle. Often on the way up the courthouse steps.

Settling is done by negotiating. It's not always about what's fair. The one who wants it more tends to sacrifice more. The one who moves out leaves the other in a very good bargaining position.

You WANT to make life miserable for the other party. Unless you don't care about money, support, assets and custody (where applicable).


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