# Need feedback - please help!



## bemaha (Mar 16, 2009)

Hi, I have sort of a long, epic story to tell. I've been through a lot.

So, I've been with my gf for about 10 years now. We are both in our late 30s. We both sort of come from difficult backgrounds. I lost my mom when I was very young, my dad died a few years ago, and he was verbally abusive. Basically, I had no nurturing at all growing up. However, somehow, I managed to earn 3 degrees and I have a successful career. I have periods of depression, but I typically fight through it with exercise and my gf's love.

My gf's parents are divorced, her father was an alcoholic, and in the past couple of years, suffered a stroke and heart attack. He can no longer speak and is in a nursing-type home. She also tells me stories about how her mom used to leave for days on end, so there wouldn't be food in the house, and it was a very depressing atmosphere.

So about 3 years ago, my gf had an affair with some guy. She was living with me at the time, so I told her she had to move out. Since she had no job (she can't hold on to a job for more than 3 months at a time), I offered to pay her rent for a couple months until she could get on her feet. I still loved her, but I wanted her out of my apartment while she was with this guy. Througout her "affair", which lasted about one year, she would call me and cry, and tell me how badly this guy was treating her, and often send me texts saying "I miss u", etc. It really messed with my head, and made me very depressed, to the point that I had to take medication.

Eventually, the guy dumped my gf, and she wanted to get back together with me. I told her no at first, and I really meant it. She had really hurt me, and I felt things were not healthy. But we started hanging out, and due to many reasons, including me not wanting to pay the rent in her apartment anymore, we wound up together again, living in my apartment.

Its now about 2 years later. We have not had sex in those 2 years. I tried initiating once, but she pushed me away, saying she didn't feel good. She contined with her typical routine - not keeping a steady job, being negative, being down a lot, avoiding life, fighting with her family. While I just tried to keep things together - working, paying the bills, trying to stay sane with no sex.

Now comes the kicker. The night before New Years Eve, she packed up her bags and told me she was going to visit her family. A few days later, I get a call from her mom, asking me if I knew where her daughter was. It turns out my gf lied to me. She didn't visit her mom, but instead met up with some "friends" she re-united with over Facebook, and they were traveling together. I tried calling her, but she won't contact me other than through IMing and text messages. She keeps saying that I am her "soulmate", that she pictures herself marrying me, and that I have always been her " prince charming". ITs been three months, and she is still not home. At this point, I wish she would never come home, and just leave me alone. But she keeps saying that she will be home soon and that she truly loves me. I have gotten very depressed and anxious from this, to the point that I am getting therapy and considering medication again. I am a wreck. 

The bottom line is that I know I need to break up with this person. She is destroying me and my hopes for a true love and a healthy relationship. But something is holding me. When I think about breaking up with her, I get so sad. I start worrying about what will happen to her because she has no job and no place to go. I can't think how to get out of this. I love her, but I don't know whether its love or pity. I can't even think about having sex with this person again or looking into her eyes and feeling love from her. I don't trust anything that comes from her mouth and I am so angry with her. I don't know what to do.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

I hate to seem mean but dump her now and get yourself a life started! She has no respect for you and knows that she can manipulate you any way she wants. Starting TODAY start a no-contact promise with yourself, take her phone # off of your cell, block all incoming calls from her, and anything else you can think of. Continue therapy and quit worrying about her, fix you and find that someone that will make you happy. That's my advice, it may not be what you want to hear, so take it or leave it. Sorry to be so blunt.


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

Sirch is right. She's got problems and She's messing with your head. Unless she is honest about the problems that she has and has enough leverage to move forward in rebuilding her life, you need to move on.

Best thing you can do at this time is to stay busy with exercise, and other fun activities.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Bemaha,

You are not responsible for her future nor are her parents anymore. She is immature and making all the wrong decisions in life. You have to throw her out and move on. You are her sugar daddy, you deserve real love with a mature adult.


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