# Am I ftness testing him?



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I've been trying to figure this out, and figure out WHAT constitutes a fitness test.

I'm pretty sure I do test him, but maybe in a different way than what a lot of you guys describe.
So I want to know what you think, and if these count as fitness tests or some othe kind of test.

In the case of my H, I'm not testing him to see if he's dominant.
Nor confident. Nor will stand up to me. I see plenty of that. He's plenty confrontational.

It's the opposite, I believe...
I think I ask a question, or start a conversation, *hoping* for a response that will prove or show me that he can be:
patient 
reasonable
calm 
caring
sensitive
interested 

Do I test him? Yes. I think it's like something Trenton said in another thread: I do it looking for an outcome that will leave me feeling secure and safe.
When he responds the way I want, I feel happy.
When he responds the way I don't want, I feel frustrated, and discouraged, disappointed.

So in your estimation, men, are these fitness tests? Any feedback?
If so, I don't do it with evil intent; I think I do it out of an effort to create opportunities for the kinds of situations that restore MY confidence in the relationship and in his love for me.
I'm the needier of the two of us, which I would like to change.
Anyway, I would really like men's pov on this question. Thanks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Yes, absolutely. Manliness is not aggression or dominance, it is controlling emotions in the face of the test. You are not doing it with evil intent. It's in your DNA to test him to make sure his is man enough to make you safe and can therefore submit to him sexually. He will care about this stuff after you are no longer sexually attracted to him.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> In the case of my H, I'm not testing him to see if he's dominant. Nor confident. Nor will stand up to me. I see plenty of that. He's plenty confrontational.


I don't believe confrontational indicates dominance or confidence. Confrontational is an emotional response indicating defensiveness or fear. Dominance and confidence are delivered with cool conviction and emotional control.

About fitness testing... I think I have a different read on it than what you're looking for. I believe both men & women do it -- often. And it is a test of the relationship - not the other person. We all need reassurance at times and look for it in successful outcomes to conflict resolution.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Hicks said:


> Yes, absolutely. Manliness is not aggression or dominance, it is controlling emotions in the face of the test. You are not doing it with evil intent. It's in your DNA to test him to make sure his is man enough to make you safe and can therefore submit to him sexually. He will care about this stuff after you are no longer sexually attracted to him.


It is true that I feel more sexually attracted to him when he passes these tests, or when he is in control of his emotions and I therefore feel safe. 

And less so when he gets intense.

Last night is a case in point:
Things were nice---dinner, movie, relaxed quality time.
I felt myself warming up to him emotionally, and started to feel in the mood for sex.

Until I paused the movie and started asking him questions about something in it that I didn't understand. 
He started getting all agitated and impatient about it. Voice level rising.
(He's really not good at explaining or clarifying things, but whatever.)
Feeling of safety, attraction, desire in me deflated.

How'd I respond to his agita?
NO emotion. NO visible frustration.
NO "Calm down, chill out..."
NO "You're not explaining it well!"
I stayed completely unemotional, and said:
"OH. So...the answer to my question is xyz. Ok, thanks. That was all I was trying to find out." 
And turned my attention back to the movie.

So on the flip side of your logic...

In the event that we have a decent, mature conversation about *whatever,* in which he DOES have control over his emotions and doesn't get his panties in a bunch...maybe I should give him a good rogering as soon as possible.

hmmm.....


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Janie said:


> I don't believe confrontational indicates dominance or confidence. Confrontational is an emotional response indicating defensiveness or fear. Dominance and confidence are delivered with cool conviction and emotional control.


I agree.

My H does not realize that under his confrontational style with me, is fear. (of conflict, of loss of control, of intimacy, ??)

In counseling the other day, we talked about his outburst and temper tantrum from last week. 
I said "You must've felt afraid of xyz" 
He said "NO, I did NOT feel afraid of that."
All he knew was that he was pi$$ed at me, and whatever anger he threw at me, I had provoked.

But...with the counselor's involvement, when the COUNSELOR said the word "fear" in reference to my H's frustration and rising agitation in that temper tantrum, my H didn't argue with him.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> But...with the counselor's involvement, when the COUNSELOR said the word "fear" in reference to my H's frustration and rising agitation in that temper tantrum, my H didn't argue with him.


It sounds like you have the right counselor. It's a good thing your husband is open to his suggestions.

But, it can be soooooooo frustrating to say something and be discounted, then hear the same thing from someone else and they become a genius, can't it!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Janie said:


> It sounds like you have the right counselor. It's a good thing your husband is open to his suggestions.
> 
> But, it can be soooooooo frustrating to say something and be discounted, then hear the same thing from someone else and they become a genius, can't it!


Yeah, but I'm ok with that for now.

I have to be patient. I can't put into words how much it means to me that he has been committed to marriage counseling with me for the past 4 months.


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## SteppingStones (Dec 20, 2010)

I was just asking my H the other day about fitness testing. I had seen some things on here about it and I didn't (still kind of don't) really understand what it is. 

I understand the negative fitness test - where one person says or does something to get a rise out of the other person, see if they will take control, etc.

But I think that it doesn't have to be all bad. I think I do fitness test my H - but in this way:

I need to be reassured that he loves me, is thinking of me, is attentive, caring, and WANTS to interact and be with me in that moment. I want to know he's involved mentally with me - if that makes any sense. 

He complains sometimes that I "pull back" my affections. And I know and have admitted that I do -- but it's to give him that opportunity to be the first one to say, "hey babe I love you" or to approach me for a kiss, or to give me a random hug or wrap his arm around me. I get tired of always being the one who is shedding affection and sometimes I just need to feel like he isn't JUST reciprocating the affections I have already shown. I need to feel like the affection-showing was HIS idea, his impulse, his desire to interact with me and not just a response to whatever I was saying/doing. 

It hardly ever works - he pulls back more when I pull back - and it makes me feel even worse because then I feel like he doesn't care. He says it makes him frustrated when I wait for him to come to me. But it actually hurts me emotionally when I feel like I am always the first to show affection and then when he gets frustrated I feel like he just doesn't want to or is flat out refusing to show me any.

We've talked (and argued) about this point many times -- I think he kind of gets it. Maybe. In any case we haven't argued about it recently. 

But anyway, I think that (what I do) could be fitness testing....I'm not sure....but I also don't see anything wrong with it - except for when he doesn't step up and give me that reassurance of his own accord.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Until I paused the movie and started asking him questions about something in it that I didn't understand.
> He started getting all agitated and impatient about it. Voice level rising.
> (He's really not good at explaining or clarifying things, but whatever.)
> Feeling of safety, attraction, desire in me deflated.


You interrupted the flow of the movie and it bothered him.

Most movies are designed to keep you wanting to know more of how it is playing out. 

The answers would have come if you just watched it with focused attention.

You saw the movie as a part of a seduction mood maker. He was watching the movie with interest in the movie.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Crem -- no offense intended, but from when you post, you seem to find the most odd times to do these tests. During the movie? Pausing it to ask questions, but then getting agitated that he doesn't explain it well enough?? LOL. That doesn't seem like he could win?? Am I misunderstanding something?? ( Seriously being sincere and wanting to understand)


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Michzz and DawnD, fair point.
The question wasn't just about movie plot, but stuff that the movie was about in general---background knowledge about the stock market would aid a viewer's comprehension of the movie.
Knowledge I don't have, and he does.
Also he knows I ask questions during movies so I don't get "lost," and generally doesn't mind. Sometimes I'm just slow on the uptake, what can I say...
I understand it is mildly irritating to pause a movie and ask questions.
But, y'know, big deal. I accepted his mild irritation, thanked him for answering my question, and we kept watching.
If I'm going to be a little annoying during a movie once in awhile, I'd say that's a fairly innocuous personality quirk to put up with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

credamdóchasgra said:


> If I'm going to be a little annoying during a movie once in awhile, I'd say that's a fairly innocuous personality quirk to put up with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not at all. I just can't help but wonder if you are being too overwhelming with the constant need to talk about things with him. Obviously conversation is a need for every person on the universe, but it seems you have a huge need to talk about a lot of things. BUT that is only my perception of it from the posts that I have read, I can be completely off track, its happened before and will probably happen again LOL. It kinda seems *again, only my perception* that he might feel he can never just relax and chill out, because you are going to talk in at any moment and want to have a deep conversation about something. I do apologize if this comes off offensively, it surely isn't meant to.


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## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Michzz and DawnD, fair point.
> The question wasn't just about movie plot, but stuff that the movie was about in general---background knowledge about the stock market would aid a viewer's comprehension of the movie.
> Knowledge I don't have, and he does.
> Also he knows I ask questions during movies so I don't get "lost," and generally doesn't mind. Sometimes I'm just slow on the uptake, what can I say...
> ...


If you and I were married, I'd probably stop watching movies with you around. I don't know if that would get me a "P" or an "F"....but that would be the result you'd get.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Im not offended.
I heard a quote on the radio last week:
"you're only as needy as your unmet needs."
I may not seem to "need" so much conversation, if it didn't seem like the convesations we DO have, went so badly.
And if I didn't feel so shut down by him so often, I might not seem so "needy."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Im not offended.
> I heard a quote on the radio last week:
> "you're only as needy as your unmet needs."
> I may not seem to "need" so much conversation, if it didn't seem like the convesations we DO have, went so badly.
> ...


Is it up to him - or you?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Im not offended.
> I heard a quote on the radio last week:
> "you're only as needy as your unmet needs."
> I may not seem to "need" so much conversation, if it didn't seem like the convesations we DO have, went so badly.
> ...


Absolutely. I am just left wondering if he is more likely to fulfill your needs if you did give him some conversational space? I am guessing you might have tried that already and it didn't go so well?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Absolutely. I am just left wondering if he is more likely to fulfill your needs if you did give him some conversational space? I am guessing you might have tried that already and it didn't go so well?


It's really difficult to get over the fear that the other person actually "wants" it the other way.

But, that fear MUST be conquered first.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Is it up to him - or you?


I hear you. 
So in the event that my H and I disagree about something...and I stop pushing my point and let him know that I "see his point," but he can't just simply do that for me, and has to yell his point over me *anyway*...then what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> It's really difficult to get over the fear that the other person actually "wants" it the other way.
> 
> But, that fear MUST be conquered first.


EXACTLY my fear.
HOW DO I CONQUER THAT FEAR?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I hear you.
> So in the event that my H and I disagree about something...and I stop pushing my point and let him know that I "see his point," but he can't just simply do that for me, and has to yell his point over me *anyway*...then what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


"Wow - how did this get so big"?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> EXACTLY my fear.
> HOW DO I CONQUER THAT FEAR?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


By working on yourself - and realizing that you will be ok EVEN IF HE NEVER DOES SHIX.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Conrad said:


> It's really difficult to get over the fear that the other person actually "wants" it the other way.
> 
> But, that fear MUST be conquered first.


Very true, but it could be a case of him feeling like he constantly has to be conversational with you holding him back. Once it is less and less frequent, you might actually get more out of the conversations you DO have with him. My H isn't a talker. He hates to sit there and talk about things with me. Lucky for me he is pretty ha ha ha. Okay, just kidding.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Very true, but it could be a case of him feeling like he constantly has to be conversational with you holding him back. Once it is less and less frequent, you might actually get more out of the conversations you DO have with him. My H isn't a talker. He hates to sit there and talk about things with me. Lucky for me he is pretty ha ha ha. Okay, just kidding.


That's why toning it down - and working on herself - is the best answer.

There is simply no way to firmly conclude ANYTHING about her husband under current circumstances except:

1) He's going to counseling with her
2) He's under a bunch of pressure

Emphasize and maximize #1

Try to help him with #2


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> By working on yourself - and realizing that you will be ok EVEN IF HE NEVER DOES SHIX.


I'm trying, and I know that I will.
But that even keel--the Self-lead, sans emotional hijack--is easier on some days than others.
10 minutes ago, he pulled one of those attraction-killing mini-tantrums.
I didn't handle it like a Self-led champ, but we put out the fire without it getting too bad. 
But it still feels like I swallowed down a side of toxic with my dinner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> 2) He's under a bunch of pressure
> 
> 
> Try to help him with #2


help him with it? How? By toning it down?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

credamdóchasgra said:


> help him with it? How? By toning it down?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sure. Quality Vs Quantity. Would you rather have 200 conversations that all suck and he has tantrums, or have 50 awesome ones??


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I'm trying, and I know that I will.
> But that even keel--the Self-lead, sans emotional hijack--is easier on some days than others.
> 10 minutes ago, he pulled one of those attraction-killing mini-tantrums.
> I didn't handle it like a Self-led champ, but we put out the fire without it getting too bad.
> ...


I don't want to get on you.

Believe me, there'll be another chance soon.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> I don't want to get on you.


Don't hold back on my account. I clearly need all the help I can get.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Don't hold back on my account. I clearly need all the help I can get.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you given any thought to individual counseling?

Find someone that does "IFS".

It shouldn't take long to get the parts under control that are driving you to defeat yourself.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Have you given any thought to individual counseling?
> 
> Find someone that does "IFS".
> 
> It shouldn't take long to get the parts under control that are driving you to defeat yourself.


1. Money (I have no income, H's income is not stable.)
2. Already in MC
3. MC + reading + TAM + plenty of good things in life = shouldn't I be able to get the parts under control??

But yes, obviously it could be helpful.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> 1. Money (I have no income, H's income is not stable.)
> 2. Already in MC
> 3. MC + reading + TAM + plenty of good things in life = shouldn't I be able to get the parts under control??
> 
> But yes, obviously it could be helpful.


I'd recommend investing in a few sessions - and focus on exactly the exile/protectors associated with dogging your husband.

Let me go a little farther.

When you say the words "emotional hijack" to someone, they usually nod their heads and think of someone "losing it", "going off", or simply getting angry.

It's much more nuanced than that.

It can be as seductive as that little voice inside of you that desires to steer the conversation towards yourself - to get brownie points, to get praise, etc. We all know people who make everything "all about them". 

It can even be as self-defeating as the "vindication" of a past argument - as your partner starts to identify something new.

Or, it can simply be the flat-footed elephant stomp of an "I told you so."

Think about all the areas of your life together where these things happen.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> I'd recommend investing in a few sessions - and focus on exactly the exile/protectors associated with dogging your husband.
> 
> Let me go a little farther.
> 
> ...


I've identified some of those hijacks.
It's usually in the category of reassurance:
that we're on the same page, that I'm not trapped, that I will be heard, that I will be accepted and embraced, that life will be open and flexible, not narrow.
There are probably more...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> 1. Money (I have no income, H's income is not stable.)


Don't you think this has alot to do with his anger issues toward you? As a newly married man he is facing the pressure of supporting you financially. This is very stressful. So his stress and anger cause you not to feed back admiration and appreciation.... You're feeding back criticisms and fitness tests. I know as a man I would be happy and willing to support my wife financially, but I would expect to be appreciated for it and not made to feel inadequate as a husband and man.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Why do you feel the need to fitness test him all the time?

What are the insecurities that you have where you need to fitness test him so that he can validate you in the marriage?

While I'm sure we all (men/women) fitness test to some degree, some of those times unconsciously, why would someone continue to give their spouse fitness tests (knowingly)?

I'm not trying to be argumentative or offend you - but what is lacking in yourself that you need him to validate the marriage or how he feels about you?

The reason I ask this is this is exactly what I USED TO DO. I don't anymore. I realized that the insecurity is my issue, not his. He has stated he loves me, I need to take that at face value and quit fitness testing him in the hopes that he will continue to validate that and make ME feel better about myself.

What do you think?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Hicks said:


> Don't you think this has alot to do with his anger issues toward you? As a newly married man he is facing the pressure of supporting you financially. This is very stressful. So his stress and anger cause you not to feed back admiration and appreciation.... You're feeding back criticisms and fitness tests. I know as a man I would be happy and willing to support my wife financially, but I would expect to be appreciated for it and not made to feel inadequate as a husband and man.


Yes, I know money and work stress add to his agita.

I have to say, though...while I came here looking into how I consciously OR unconsciously "fitness test" him, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that I do not "criticize" him.
I get criticized quite a lot of the time too, by him.

When he does something good, great, or wonderful, I let him know I appreciate it and I make a big fuss.

I know what I'm "looking for" when something goes awry.
Last night, for example, at the heart of my suggesting we do xyz (a free activity, no $ involved) was: "That would be fun." I was looking for a positive connection.
HE reacted negatively.
I don't know why.
I can't blame myself for his reactions, or his OVERreactions.

I hear a lot from my husband, and I read a lot on these forums, the following statement: 

"No one can 'make you feel' something. YOU are responsible for YOUR feelings. YOU have to OWN YOUR feelings."

Sure. As a woman I am told that a lot, and that I shouldn't look to HIM to meet my emotional needs.

So why is it that when HE is reactive, feels bad, angry, or unappreciated, I am told that I am "making him feel" that? Doesn't it go both ways?

Throughout our relationship, I have felt entirely responsible for MY emotions AND for HIS emotions. 

Why do I have to get MY feelings under control, AND somehow it's my job to also get HIS feelings and reactions under control too?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I know what I'm "looking for" when something goes awry.
> Last night, for example, at the heart of my suggesting we do xyz (a free activity, no $ involved) was: "That would be fun." I was looking for a positive connection.
> HE reacted negatively.
> I don't know why.
> I can't blame myself for his reactions, or his OVERreactions.


I reacted badly when my wife told me we need new tires on her car. This was only a few days ago. I can't put into words why I reacted badly to this. I guess it was because at that moment I was being told I did not keep on top of my responsibilities as a man. My inadequacy was pointed out. My agenda was going to be controlled by my wife... I really cannot say exactly. But in marriage little mistakes need to be forgiven and moved on from. I trust my wife judges me for more than that one episode.



credamdóchasgra said:


> I hear a lot from my husband, and I read a lot on these forums, the following statement:
> 
> "No one can 'make you feel' something. YOU are responsible for YOUR feelings. YOU have to OWN YOUR feelings."
> 
> ...


A marriage can only work when BOTH parties are making EFFORT to meet the emotional needs of the other. You absolutely need to have your needs met by your husband. You will fail if you are trying to get his feelings and reactions under control. The advice I would give is that you meeting his needs for a period of time will motivate him to meet yours... He will be motivated to change when he's so emotionally fed he cannot allow that to stop. But if he does not do this and is unwilling to do this after you have made a consistent concerted effort (and are assured you are doing it)...Then you ask out of the marriage. I do feel for you in that he does continue to make mistakes... But if he were on the forum posting he'd be getting the same advice (focus on yourself).


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Hicks said:


> He will be motivated to change when he's so emotionally fed he cannot allow that to stop. But if he does not do this and is unwilling to do this after you have made a consistent concerted effort (and are assured you are doing it)...Then you ask out of the marriage. I do feel for you in that he does continue to make mistakes... But if he were on the forum posting he'd be getting the same advice (focus on yourself).


Thank you, I do understand where you're coming from with your advice.

Last night, for example...his negative reaction told me "that's a waste of time!" (the "fun" activity I suggested). I had suggested it in response to HIS judgmental complaint that "We watch too much TV!" ("we" being us and our extended family).

It reminded me of a spoiled little kid who doesn't want anything he's offered for dinner! 

Not a big deal, right? So did my saying "No, not every night, but could be fun every once in awhile" need to send him into the melodramatic, irrational, LOUD, cursing tizzy it sent him into?? Good God, Man!

THAT'S when it became a "big deal."

The good thing is: a little later, he said exactly what I had been hoping he'd say earlier: "Sure, it would be fun once in awhile."
-->thereby turning something potentially "destructive" into something "instructive," to use our counselor's terminology.

Would be nice if he could just do that earlier in a conversation, instead of authoritatively shutting it down.

I'm given lots of advice here: 
tone it down
don't be needy
don't point fingers
work on myself
keep a cool head
show appreciation for the good things from him
don't criticize him
give in order to get
don't engage in fighting

I am doing my best, but I really hope my efforts catalyze a turn-around. I'm not the only one who needs to focus inward, and I'm sick of him blaming me every time HIS emotions go out of control. 

But in the interest of progress, you make a good point that I need to forgive last night's mini-tantrum as a little mistake and move forward--especially since in the end he did "come around."


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

DawnD said:


> Absolutely. I am just left wondering if he is more likely to fulfill your needs if you did give him some conversational space? I am guessing you might have tried that already and it didn't go so well?


It's not that I need constant in-depth conversation.
I need simple conversations about everyday things to remain positive or neutral, without him getting all stressed out and yelling over me.
"guess what I saw on tv last night..."
"wouldn't it be fun to..."
"I prefer this picture over the other one."
"I feel bad for not calling so-and-so back."
THESE are the conversations in which his volume rises and his reactivity heightens.
It's really not necessary.

I "need" to be able to voice my opinion, even if it's different from his, without him reacting with anger.
That's my need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When you suggest something - even something 'free' - for a while "expect" him to be a jerk. Just expect it. And when he is - ASK HIM calmly WHY your suggestion is upsetting him. 

Just ask him. Right then. In fact if need be defuse and THEN extract. Defuse = "I really did not mean to upset you" can you help me understand why my suggestion is causing this reaction? If he gets irrational walk away. But DON'T let it drop. Stay calm and firm. If you are ever going to change this pattern he needs to at least open up as to WHY he is reacting this way.




credamdóchasgra said:


> Yes, I know money and work stress add to his agita.
> 
> I have to say, though...while I came here looking into how I consciously OR unconsciously "fitness test" him, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that I do not "criticize" him.
> I get criticized quite a lot of the time too, by him.
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> When you suggest something - even something 'free' - for a while "expect" him to be a jerk. Just expect it. And when he is - ASK HIM calmly WHY your suggestion is upsetting him.
> 
> Just ask him. Right then. In fact if need be defuse and THEN extract. Defuse = "I really did not mean to upset you" can you help me understand why my suggestion is causing this reaction? If he gets irrational walk away. But DON'T let it drop. Stay calm and firm. If you are ever going to change this pattern he needs to at least open up as to WHY he is reacting this way.


If I ask him that in the moment, his answer is either to blame me, project the egregious "inability to control emotions" onto ME, or deny his overreaction.
It is then an unproductive conversation, and i've engaged in a way that is ultimately self-defeating.

But, this is the direction I'm hoping that counseling will take:
"Why is such a strong reaction triggered in you? What's going on when that happens?"
I've seen him honestly get curious about that, in MC.
That's why I hang so much hope on it every week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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