# Ironically!!! Both of them in the street at the same time...



## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

The two men in my life. My exh and the stbxbf ended in the street. :scratchhead:

One because i don't want him with me and the other because i can't have him with me. (In fact I lowered my expectations a lot and also the other one, even if i can have him with me i won't)

My exh ended his lease on April 30 he said that he can't afford to rent and he is since then sleeping in his car He said the only way he will be back alive is if i accept to give him another chance. Otherwise HE WILL DIE!!!

The man i suppose to be dating, sold his car, lost his job, got evicted from his apartment, and he had no money. He came to stay with me and he knows that i am catholic and i am still not done with the annulment from church and i can't have him in my apartment without marriage and despite all what he knows about my situation, he stayed and i was pressured to let him stay because he had no family or friends in my state I told him: "I am taking a risk by keeping you with me". He promised to find a job and move out as soon as he can and he filed for unemployment. After many lies and not looking for a job for two months, i found out that he wasn't approved for unemployment. So i asked him to leave to his state. He begged me to stay homeless but close to me because as he said away from me HE WILL DIE. 
I told him: "I need to keep the hope that one day you will come back to me, that's why i need you to go so i can see a light at the end of the tunnel". Only with this way, i convinced him to go to his state. 
Ironically, He left only one day after my ex was in the street.
In his state from his family no one opened the door for him so he was in the street too, only a friend of his mom opened her door. Now he is staying in her apartment. But she told me that she can't support him for a long time because her finances are tight.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Wow, LVS, not one but two guys trying to manipulate your emotions! That must be terrible, especially if you still care for either of them at all. But as you posted in your other thread, you know you can't be with men like that in a healthy relationship. Neither of them has a right to make you responsible for his literal survival. 

You sound like you are smart, and can figure out things to say get through to them from time to time. Hang in there!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LVS, what have you done in terms of therapy lately? You are still reacting to men as though you owe them something. You know better. You're smart, you're beautiful, you have great kids, and a great future. 

Leave the men alone for now and focus on yourself, ok?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And next time, pick a man who will support YOU, not the other way around!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Agree with the above comments -- you are letting yourself be used and abused.

And even though I'm sure you are a delightful woman, no one will actually DIE when you leave them.

I hope you are getting some therapy.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Yes angelpixie both of them whether i admit it or not were trying to manipulate me  

I thought a lot to go back to my ex but i couldn't find one reason other than feeling bad for 28 years spent together and the 4 kids that we have and that we share the same religion and the same culture. I know sadly that they are not good reasons for me to go back to him. 

I loved the other man so much that i wished the negative things were not existing because we have so many things in common. But i can't live with someone i can't trust and i don't feel secure with and i feel the same way, for different reasons, with both of them...

It took me time to take my decision because first i guess because i fell in love with him faster than i should i didn't take things slowly enough like i was planning too. With time this relationship wore me off and i was overwhelmed and i felt i am loosing ME again.

My big issue was the *GUILT * issue, i am working on it with my therapist. It was hard on me as caregiver to kick him to the street when he has no car no job no money and no place to go, however i had a deep anger inside me because i know he was leading himself to this situation and not caring for all what i said to him. 

turnera, you knew me before, i am so much better and i am still seeing my therapist weekly, not only because i need a therapist but also because i had no one to talk to ALONE.
The only time i stopped seeing my therapist was when i gave my therapy time to the person i was dating, to work on his anger issue. But he was hiding things and lying to the therapist and after a little while I was shocked when she said that he is doing great and he doesn't need therapy anymore...:rofl:
She was also shocked when i told her the things the way they were happening. And i felt great to have her back.

Things worked perfectly when i get this chance to send him back to his state. I had to buy his electronics to pay his bus ticket and give him some changes for the trip. I feel soo lucky that he is in different state now, it will make the detachment and the break up easier. even though it is hard on me and i feel sooooo sad. But i know what i lost was the DREAM. 

Now i need to be on my own, take care of my KIDS and of ME. as you said turnera :iagree: NO MEN! I need them to leave me alone 

I need to finish with the annulment and be free from any man for a while and i don't know when i will trust myself to try again :scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow. I hope your therapist has LEARNED something, as in she got scammed.

When you told us you were dating him, I KNEW it was too soon, you hadn't done enough therapy to learn to love yourself and stop the Guilt and the Giving - in other words, your 'picker' would have just picked another User/Abuser. Once your self esteem is better, once you love yourself more, you will notice those tiny red flags such men give off, and you'll never give them a second date.

You know that's not a dis at you, just another 'lesson' like I love to give! 

Remember that 'they' say that after a divorce, you should be single for one month for every year you were married, before you date again. That way, you learn to be ok with being alone, to not 'need' a man to validate your worthiness. So that, when you DO start dating again, you'll have really high standards and you'll be able to see the jerks a mile away and ignore them. You're beautiful (seriously; I'm jealous!), you're a great person, and you've got plenty of time to find Mr Right.

Good to hear from you again, even under such bad circumstances.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, are you still selling that product? I never did stop and look at it.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

turnera, I know i spent a big lap of time without posting. So many times, i felt i need to, but the reason i didn't was because he was with me most the time, and i didn't want him to know anything about TAM.

Thank you turnera for the compliment even though beauty sometimes is like a curse. Sometimes, i wish i am more lucky than pretty. I feel I lost my young age around ungrateful people!  I wasn't treated the way i treated them!!! 
Will i be able one day to be different without losing qualities in me that i like as a caregiver?! hmmmm How can i be more selfish? I need it!

I think i was good at analyzing things, and i was seeing the red flags when they were happening. BUT, my issue was that I am still in the FOG of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt!!! 
This is what i really need to work on especially the GUILT!!

Also, long distance relationship is defective! I fell in love when i shouldn't. This was the big mess. When i am in love it is normal to sacrifice or give more chances because i love the other person but if i took enough time to know him i wouldn't fall in love with him and i would have acted differently and it would have been more easy to push him away when red flags happened.

As you said turnera, it was a nice lesson. Hmmm but it was a hard one


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

turnera said:


> btw, are you still selling that product? I never did stop and look at it.


Not anymore, i have no time for it, i am doing two jobs, and if i have free time i have a third job also  too much to do i need to catch my breath


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sending someone off to fend for themselves is good for them. It shows them that you have every confidence and belief in their ability to take care of themselves. If you put someone up who is able to take care of themselves (like grown men who are clever enough to manipulate you...) then you are sending them a message that you think that they won't be able to manage, and depriving them of the opportunity to succeed at being responsible adults.

So get over the guilt! You did a good thing for both of them.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Good way to look at it Homemaker_Numero_Uno


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

My ex still trying to pressure me to go back to him. He sent me an email titled "life promise", in this email he said how he is going to treat me if I go back to him lots of promises and he said if he messed up he will accept any consequence.
He is still living in his car and the only place he would go to is when I accept to give him this chance he said a word can send him to Heaven and another can send him to Hell.

I replied that I wish my reply is going to please you but unfortunately it won't. I said"About the factors that make a healthy relationship, i was going to send you some but i remember that you already made yourself copies of some of my papers about a relationship and what i look for in a relationship. If you don't have them anymore i can send them back to you.... I can find you papers that talk the same in all languages and they are not about liberals... Sadly, those papers are enough to show how defective our relationship was.

I dreamed to have a happy marriage and spend a happy life with the one i was supposed to spent all my life with, but all my dreams were knocked down. In fact, we both were dreaming of this happy marriage but we were doing things each one in the opposite way, except that i was trying to cooperate with you, to communicate, to try things together, but i was let down with all what i tried. I spent most our marriage time looking for ways to improve myself and improve our marriage but i was fighting alone. That's what led to where we are now. and there is no way for me to go back. I did my best. I did everything i could do to save this marriage. I failed because i was alone, you wanted me to do all the work and you were putting all the blame on me for everything bad in it even for your bad behaviors. I have nothing more to offer. I just let go the dream that remained a dream until i let it go... "
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Very well said, LVS. I'm proud of you.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

He called me, His voice was like he was crying. He was talking and talking i only was listening when he finished talking he said thanks for listening and hung up the phone. He was so depressed he said the email that i sent him was so hard and now he lost every hope. He said: Why would you be hard on me and yourself and refuse every way to try just try to give me a chance to show you that i changed but you want to keep judging for the past.... I don't know what is my crime to pay for it this much... I don't know why you are doing this to me. You don't know how hard living in my car since the beginning of May. No one is concerned about me and even you you didn't care and now you killed me with your reply now i am going to stop the medication, why would i take them, i don't care about life anymore, i want to die and even when i die i will wait for you there until you die and maybe then i will have the chance to be with you. Now you will be alone taking care of the kids holding all the responsibility, the kids are going to be lost without their dad they still need me even our oldest son still need to see his dad. Even though he tried to guilt with every word, his voice broke my heart and after he hung up my emotions were frozen i couldn't feel anything because i am at the edges of a depression and i don't want to let myself fall down. But i feel bad about the situation and i wish i can find at least one reason to go back to him i really want to and it hurt me that i can't find a reason to go back
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LVS, you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to show you how he has NOT changed. 


LVS said:


> He called me, His voice was like *he was crying*. He was *talking and talking i only was listening* when he finished talking he said thanks for listening and *hung up *the phone. He was so depressed he said *the email that i sent him was so hard and now he lost every hope*. He said: *Why would you be hard on me* and yourself and refuse every way to try just try to *give me a chance* to show you that i changed but *you want to keep judging for the past.*... *I don't know what is my crime* to pay for it this much... I don't know *why you are doing this to me*. You *don't know how hard living in my car* since the beginning of May. *No one is concerned about me* and *even you you didn't care* (guilt) and *now you killed me with your reply* now i am *going to stop the medication*, why would i take them, *i don't care about life anymore*, i want to die and even when i die i will wait for you there until you die and *maybe then i will have the chance to be with you*. Now you will be *alone taking care of the kids holding all the responsibility*, the *kids are going to be lost without their dad* they *still need me* even our oldest son still need to see his dad. Even though he tried to guilt with every word, his voice broke my heart and after he hung up my emotions were frozen i couldn't feel anything because i am at the edges of a depression and i don't want to let myself fall down. But i feel bad about the situation and i wish i can find at least one reason to go back to him i really want to and it hurt me that i can't find a reason to go back


Nothing about you and how you've been hurt, is it? All about him. As it ever HAS been.

If he's hurting so badly, he could find an agency to get him mental help. *sigh* Hasn't learned a thing.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Like Turnera, I'm very proud of you too, LVS. You've come such a long way, and grown so much, over the last two years.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Thank you my friends and yeah it is all about him!! Hmmmm i didn't look at it this way but you are right turnera!!!

Anyway i don't understand what is in his mind now! But two days after he said what he said he took my S14 shopping and spent on his clothes more than $200.

Besides that, after he spoke to me he is not talking to anyone my kids are trying to call him but he is not responding to their phone calls


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LVS, you KNOW that he has no intention of killing himself. He is too self-absorbed to do that. He just wants what he wants and you took that control away from him. So his mission is to get you back under his control and like any OTHER abuser, he will continue to try the entire cycle of abuse tactics (guilt, anger, love, begging, death threats, back to guilt...) to figure out which one is most likely to work on you. Just ignore him. Tell the kids he will surface when he wants to, when he finds out his current tactic isn't working. They are way old enough to understand that he is trying to manipulate all of you. They NEED to understand it or they will be messed up for life.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

They do understand it turnera. My D19 she said that her dad sent her a text message as reply and said that he misses her a lot and wants to see her everyday but he won't be able to do that and if she wants to know why she needs to ask me or ask her older sister. Her sister said she is tired and she gave up talking to him. So all his game is clear for them. But they are still feeling the pain with all these ups and downs. I can't help but also feel it with them while trying to move on with my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Check with your local United Way to see if you can get them some counseling on this. You could go together. I liken him to an alcoholic, where the family has to learn to live with his manipulation.


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