# Need help regarding porn and masturbation



## Belltaco (Jul 11, 2016)

My wife and I have been married 4 years now. We have a wonderful child. Our life is pretty good. 

For some reason though opening up about porn and masturbation (something everyone does) has proved to be difficult. 

We both do it and both know each other does. We used to be secretive about it but have opened up. 

For some reason, though, I'm willing to be open 100% and she won't open up more than 25%. No matter what I do, she doesn't seem to feel comfortable enough to not give me half truths. 

To be totally honest, I've caught her watching porn and masturbating over 10-15 times at least the last few months and she doesn't know. She's thought I've been working (I work about half the time from home the rest at the office) and I've came upstairs to her doing it and walked back down the hallway. 

She's never said she has a low sex drive but she's always seemed to want it a bit less than I do. 

At the end of the day. She's lying. She still after all these years won't tell me the truth. I know she's embarrassed. I want her to feel so comfortable that she can tell me everything. It's not something I feel should be secret.

Am I crazy or stupid? Any advice?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Belltaco said:


> For some reason though opening up about porn and masturbation (something everyone does) has proved to be difficult.
> 
> We both do it and both know each other does. We used to be secretive about it but have opened up.


First of all: Everybody does NOT use porn and masturbate. Most people probably masturbate, but not all, and definitely not all people use porn. I certainly don't.

I also don't think most women masturbate as often as you describe your wife doing it. 

Secondly:
What is your goal? To have sex with your wife more often or to have her talk with you about how she'd rather masturbate? (Not sure what you're asking for advice on.)

I find it very curious that she what - does this with the door open when she knows you're home? How else can you walk down the hall and see her undetected if the door's not open? - But won't talk openly about it with you.

Also, masturbation is a solo event. Maybe she has no desire to talk openly about it. 

BTW, Where is your child while she's watching porn and masturbating with an open door? 

Anyhow, I would not be comfortable talking with my husband about my voracious porn and masturbation habit if I was turning him down for sex. I'd assume he'd get the message that I'd rather masturbate than have sex with him and that would hurt his feelings.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So your wife is under 35?

Took me a VERY VERY long time before I could talk about masturbating. I felt ashamed. 

I think every woman is different. I masturbate with regularity and generally with a dash of porn, usually erotic stories but sometimes visuals. 

I think you should try to discover what kind of porn she's into? That might be an avenue to explore to get her aroused.

One thing you could try is to get her totally aroused during sex but don't penetrate her. Take her hands in yours and guide her hands in touching her the way you've been touching her. You're guiding her hands, she is just allowing you to guide. Tell her how hot this is to watch her hands touch her body. Just do this for a little bit than proceed as normal

Next time do it again and if you don't encounter resistance do it for longer, try to get her to orgasm via her hands as guided by your hands. Then proceed as normal.

Next time, if still no resistance, just before she orgasms pull your hands away and tell her to keep going so you can watch. Then proceed as normal.

If at any point you encounter resistance, take a step back and remind her you love her, she's wonderful etc etc. then try again. Just tell her you really want to do this. But don't use the word masturbate. Touch herself works best.


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## sscygni (Apr 13, 2016)

For me, masturbation is a normal, natural thing, but it would bother me if I had higher drive than my partner and yet they were masturbating regularly. I understand that there are times when its just easier to masturbate than have sex, but to have my partner regularly pleasuring herself when my needs are going unmet would be annoying. Personally, I would 100X rather engage in some sort of sexual play with my wife than masturbate, but since my wife is LD, I use masturbation as a way to take the edge off.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Let's just assume the child is either at school or otherwise out of the house, or they're young enough that they're napping while his wife is doing this, rather than getting off topic 

My wife is/was also quite secretive when it comes to stuff like this. She does not masturbate often, that I know of, and she definitely doesn't use porn. But she also has zero desire to talk about it or otherwise share that (tiny) aspect of her life with me.

She did go through a period of several months where she masturbated heavily, thanks to discovering sex toys for the first time in her life. I "caught" her numerous times, much as how OP describes (ie. I back away slowly! It's easier than one would think.) Then she gradually lost interest, and afaik, she doesn't really masturbate on her own any more.

However, she certainly will with me, and we enjoy the odd session by each others sides. Not something she would have done during her experimentation phase, so she's obviously much more comfortable about it now.

In any case, during this phase of hers, I tried to talk with her about it, because honestly, it was a turn-on, but also because I felt left out. It wasn't impacting the amount of sex we were having at all, it was just something extra for her. She did NOT want to talk about it at all, which is not uncommon.

But the feeling of being left out, although quite normal, isn't right, either. She wasn't leaving me out of anything - this was her time, not ours, or mine.

Furthermore, I steadfastly believe (and continue to repeat in these types of threads) that masturbation and sex are two entirely different things when done in a normal, everyday kind of way. As I said, my wife's masturbation phase did not impact our sex life in any way. It doesn't sound as though OP's sex life is impacted, either.

The trick, or the hard part, is to understand that masturbation is typically a private thing one does on their own, and that it (in most cases) doesn't affect one's sex life. It CAN, of course, but that's a whole different thread (of which there are many here...).

Frankly, I'd be turned on knowing my wife masturbates and watches porn. I was turned on when she was going through her new toy phase. A healthy sexual appetite is appealing, IMO.

That said, there were times when I knew she had masturbated earlier, then rejected me for sex later. But I also understood that the two things were likely not as related as I thought. Besides, it goes both ways. There have been times when I've masturbated, and not initiated sex later on, and if she were to initiate (which she rarely does anyway), I probably would have rejected her.

Long story short, I don't think people should "save" orgasms for their partners. If one feels like masturbating, then they should. As I said, my wife and I share this experience with each other once or twice a month. One or both of us aren't quite feeling like we want to have sex, so we masturbate next to each other (with touching, kissing, etc.) Sometimes it leads to oral sex or even PIV, often we just keep our hands to ourselves. It's fun and exciting.

Lastly, if I were in OP's shoes and saw my wife masturbating to porn on the computer - I'd join her, honestly. No words, no embarrassment, I'd just sit down next to her and do the same as she's doing. Or if you're particularly daring, as I am, lead her to the computer yourself, find something you like, and take the lead and go for it. Hopefully she'd follow suit.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Never needed Porn for that or for anything else. The best is a read of a romantic book while in bed. 

I do not under stand the use of the phrase "I CAUGHT HER" as if she was in the middle of some criminal activity. I also do not really get why you need your wife to tell you about her solo moment in more than 25% details if she is only willing to share that much. 

What do you get from sharing in words, acts that you do not share in actual fact. If both are doing it away from each other, it means you are not ready to share and therefore you should really not insist on sharing verbally. What would be the point other than for you to collect ammunition for calling her a lair? 

Much better to try to start sharing or doing it together, maybe in the dark or under covers first and then gradually in the light. I feel that your marriage is very good and has no issues. As usual when humans have no issues, they are more likely to create some unnecessary issues. 

Finding her enjoying herself means you walk away if you know walking in will make her uncomfortable. It is not catching her. You did not set traps to cause her to do it to prove some point. She simply is enjoying her body herself and does not want any interruptions. Like wise If you are uncomfortable with her "Catching" you, and she knows it, she should walk away discreetly and leave you to enjoy yourself . 

If on another day when together, you ask for a favour and she obliges, or she asks for a favour and you oblige, or you simply offer and she accepts, then all well and good. But private moments are just that. There are a lot of us who have private moments away from our spouses. Sometimes, you do it then shout him to come over and join in. 

That is how I see it.


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