# caugh my husband in bed with another woman



## jcsa (Aug 12, 2010)

i just watched my husband of six years sleeping in bed holding another girl so gently the picture is burn in my head is all i can think about just watching them just there naked how nasty,groce,i feel so lost so broke so sad so everything at the same time like someone takes the air away from me.
after he has called me and we have talked he feels sorry he says is the only time we have had problems for a while now but i cant believe he did this to me to us to our kids.
i havent seeinn him since i just took off he doenst know where we are and still he is telling not much he is just like i dont know i am sorry but not much else and that is that part that hurts the most the fact he can not talk to me and tell me what happened that day and before how do we got here.
i am so sick to my stomach just to imagine them together i wish i didnt find them the image is juts so sickining can i get pass this what do i do?whre do i go from here?i dont know what am i wating from him to say? he is still going out with friends drinking and i feel like he is not really sorry i dont know i just so confussed.help please


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This is a great great place to vent and there's some great post to read.
It helps me (wife had PA for years)
One of the first things I did was get to the book store and start reading. I bought "After the Affair"
Counseling was good, just talking helped.
Stay strong we all get through this.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
I'm so sorry this has happened. I can't imagine all the hurt you are going through right now....
I know myself my husband also had an affair, I didn't catch them in the act like you did so I can only imagine how much that hurt you.....
I know you must feel like someone has punched you in the gut....I know that your belief system is shattered right now and all you held dear and true is gone.....
Honey even if you were having problems in your marriage in no way are you at fault here, he is a grown man that made a decision to sleep with another woman while he was married....
This is not acceptable and not the moral thing to do ......
You need to give yourself some time to think about what you really want....
There are certain steps to take here to recover your marriage after an affair if this is what your choice will be....
Tell your husband that this is not alright with you for any reason he can give you.....
You need to ask him for NO CONTACT with the OW and that means never speaking or seeing her again....
You will need him to give you total access to all his communication, phones, comp and facebook.....you will have to know his whereabouts at all times, the nights out with friends will have to stop.....
If he wants to stay married he should agree to these things and recommit to your marriage.
If he is not willing you should ask him to leave until he is ready to be married and be committed to you and your family....
He is not making decisions right now that protect you or your children......
I know from experience that it gets better with each day, but this isn't a easy thing to live through, I remember feeling like my heart would burst right out of my chest.....
I cried for a month straight, I was devastated, I couldn't even speak about it with anyone else for the first 6 weeks or so, then slowly things got back to normal and I started to think a little clearer and I was able to make a couple of decisions for myself....I was in shock which I'm sure you are as well.....
read all you can, educate yourself about affairs and recovery....
post here there are wonderful people who have also lived and survived exactly what you are going through, lean on them.....they will give you strength and give you that shoulder you need right now.....
so glad you posted....


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

First off, I am terribly sorry to hear about all of this. It is always heartbreaking to find out about cheating, and seeing it has a whole other book of side effects too. But Jessi is right. There are so many people here willing to help, but you have to want it. You won't want to hear some of the things to do, and you will see it as unneccessary, but it really isn't. 

First thing to do for you is to figure out if you even want to try to work this out, or if you won't be able to get over it. When I say "try to work it out" that means if you want to even give it a shot or not. From there this place has steps to take either way to help you. 

I know you are probably not sure of anything right now, so if you can find someone to watch the kids for a few hours so you can sit down and try to think, then do it. Sit down and ask yourself if your marriage is worth saving after this.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

I agree with Dawn. For you to be able to clear your mind and think one of the things you need to do is find someone who can watch your kids for you. When I found out about my husband's affair, my parents watched my kids for two full days. I could not have my children in the middle of all the hell storm that was going on. When I sent them to my parents is was to protect them. But, the benefit was that I was able to think without distraction. That was when I was able to decide if I wanted to work it out. My husband says he didn't have sex with this woman, but he at least had an emotional affair with her. I believe in my heart he had sex with her though. I still chose to work it out with him. I have a long list of reasons, but the one at the top of the list was that I still love him. My choosing to work it out though did not mean I was going to be walked on by my husband. If he had continued the affair or didn't try to work on our marriage or anything that took his attention away from what he should have been focusing on, I would have kicked him out. And no, I wouldn't have "left". He would have been packing his bags and leaving. I didn't do anything to deserve him cheating on me.

The best advice I can give you. As hard as it might be, dig deep and BE STRONG!! Be strong, no matter what decision you make. Make the right decision for you and your children. And only you will know what that right decision is.


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## jcsa (Aug 12, 2010)

thank you for all the amazing words....
here is the problem besides the fact that my husband did what he did ..he did apologized but that was it i keep calling him and sending emails just trying to understand the situation but all i got from was i dont know we are done in so many words i dont think he is willing to work this out and that hurts me even more i still love him.
i need advice on the fallowing i needed to get away from him could even imagine to see his face,we work at the same place so going back to work was not an option so i took my bags and went back home to my parents house wich is 8 hrs away he doesnt know were we are he hasnt even ask me and the only messages he is leaving now are angry that he needs to talk to our daughter but i dont think is right at least not yet he didi this to all of us i dont know what is right or wrong i just need time to heal before i can deal with him...also he has a drinking problem at some point after what happened told him he need it to seek help and then he could be around our daughter what do i do?i am so lost


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Don't use your daughter as a pawn in this fight. if your daughter is old enough to understand, explain that you two are having issues but no need to go into detail and explain to hubby that he should not go into details either. Then let him talk to her.

If she is too young to understand then make sure hubby's conversation is nothing more than "I love you and miss you" type of conversation.

As for his drinking, make it part of any reconciliation effort.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> thank you for all the amazing words....
> here is the problem besides the fact that my husband did what he did ..he did apologized but that was it i keep calling him and sending emails just trying to understand the situation but all i got from was i dont know we are done in so many words i dont think he is willing to work this out and that hurts me even more i still love him.


JCSA, I know it is really hard to think right now as everything feels like a raw, aching, hurting wound, but as someone who has helped people through this a lot of times, I would like to reassure you that right now, it's not really "him" talking. Right now, it is more like an Evil Twin has invaded his body and taken over--we call that Disloyal Dizziness. So a lot of what he says right now is that evil twin talking and that evil twin says things a) just to hurt you and b) to get more of his addiction: the affair. In this instance, in real life, he may or may not love you and may or may not want to work this out...but he was caught red-handed doing something that he knows is wrong! It couldn't possibly be his fault or the OW's fault--so it MUST be you. So right now he's focusing all the bad stuff on you and all the good stuff on her, and that's not really realistic. You know that and I know that--but he doesn't because he's dizzy. So most of what he says right now...don't listen to it. I mean it. Just take most of it as dizzy talk/evil twin and don't let it sink it too much okay?



> i need advice on the fallowing i needed to get away from him could even imagine to see his face,we work at the same place so going back to work was not an option so i took my bags and went back home to my parents house wich is 8 hrs away


Going back to your parents was probably a good idea just to get your bearings and figure out what to do and how. If nothing else, they can help with the kids and some hugs--however, I do caution you not to unleash your fury at your husband in front of your parents. They are likely to be pretty pissed at how much he hurt you etc. and if you ever DID work it out with him, they'd have to then also recover from all the mean, horrible things you said about him and they believed. So bear that in mind for their sake. 

On a practical note I suggest two things: 1) Lotion Kleenex (because when you cry a LOT, the non-lotion kind will actually give you rugburn on your eyelids and nose from rubbing) and 2) Soup (because you need some nutrition but it's impossible to swallow when there is a lump in your throat). Take a few days and just concentrate on surviving, and call into your work and at least ask for emergency leave so you're not fired. If you have to support the kids for a few months you don't want to lose your job right now, and usually a boss is medium understanding if you let them know what's happening. I would suggest calling in sick at least, then the next day get your head on a little better and call to talk to your boss on the phone--tell them there has been a family emergency and you need a couple days, and if they ask, you can say "I caught my husband in bed with another woman and I have had to move myself and the children to another location by myself. I need a few days to get some things in order."



> he doesnt know were we are he hasnt even ask me and the only messages he is leaving now are angry that he needs to talk to our daughter but i dont think is right at least not yet he didi this to all of us i dont know what is right or wrong


Okay note to self. I do understand your need to get away and think clearly, but he is just as much their parent as you are and it is not entirely legal to take your children and not inform the other parent of their location. Imagine how much you would freak out if he took them and refused to return them or tell you where they were! So you do need to inform him where they are--but you can do that by writing. I would suggest an email: "This is to inform you that the kids and I are at my parent's house and will be here until further notice. I will be in touch with you to arrange a supervised visit to be sure you are not drunk, but right now I need a few days to recover after discovering your adultery. Do not call the house or harass my parents, I will have the children call you tonight." The end. 



> i just need time to heal before i can deal with him...also he has a drinking problem at some point after what happened told him he need it to seek help and then he could be around our daughter what do i do?i am so lost


We can help guide you through what to do, but one important thing you need to realize is that even if we tell you the perfect steps to take, if he has an alcoholism problem he will likely have to address THAT before any of the steps here will be effective. Here's why. Much of what we talk about is taking personal responsibility for what you did to contribute to the marital issues...but the addictions overshadow those contributions. In easier terms, even if you did fix the ways you contributed, and even if he did return to the marriage and work on himself, if he continued being an alcoholic, being drunk would take all that progress away. That has to be admitted and eliminated first or it will be like spinning wheels. 

So for now, take care of YOU and the kids, and contact work just so you have a way of having some income...just in case.


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