# wife wants to become a housewife



## keegan (Apr 7, 2016)

Troll


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

keegan said:


> My wife is currently pregnant and is going on maternity leave soon.
> 
> she told me the other day that she wants to quit her job soon as a registered nurse and become a housewife.
> 
> ...


Here's one solution...

"...if she were to stay at home... we would have to sell our house since we cant afford the mortgage and find somewhere else to live."


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Rethink your priorities?


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## code20 (Feb 5, 2014)

You need to have a calm talk with her to figure out how to work this out. Present a budget, and show her how many hours she has to work to keep the house. See if she is passionate enough about this to move to an apartment for a couple of years. Its possible that you can work out a compromise where she reduces her hours but doesn't quit. Nurses can usually get part time or contingent work, which is a great way to keep your seniority by working as little as 2 days a month. Maybe she needs a job change to a doctors office or something else that is less stressful.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

These are the things you work out BEFORE you get pregnant in the first place...!


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

My STBX is a RN and went to pier diem after kids...works one day a week. Worked 7p-7a, so I was always home when she was working. Brings in around $25k a year. This is the best solution. It gets her out of the house and she keeps her skills up, and brings in income.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I say she keeps working. I think there are few women these days that would make a good housewife. Is your wife one of them? Idle hands are the devil's workshop....
Lots of time to sit around thinking how dull her life is and guess who is to blame when she's unhappy? It's not the mailman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

GuyInColorado said:


> My STBX is a RN and went to pier diem after kids...works one day a week. Worked 7p-7a, so I was always home when she was working. Brings in around $25k a year. This is the best solution. It gets out of the house and she keeps her skills up, and brings in income.


^This^ seems like a very reasonable compromise to me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Tell her you expect that, as a housewife, you expect to be greeted at home everyday with her in lingerie with a glass of scotch and a pristine home. And don't even get me started on the bjs. That should keep her on the job for a while.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Tell her you expect that, as a housewife, you expect to be greeted at home everyday with her in lingerie with a glass of scotch and a pristine home. And don't even get me started on the bjs. That should keep her on the job for a while.

























Oh ****.... :wink2:
Jack Jones

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZ7WT02wFOk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Here's one solution...
> 
> "...if she were to stay at home... we would have to sell our house since we cant afford the mortgage and find somewhere else to live."


Exactly what I was going to suggest. Tell her the honest truth and don't be afraid to tell it. There are many couples that can't afford a SAHP. 

At the same time, I'd think about evaluating your career in your own time. Do you have any prospects for promotion? Higher degree? Etc...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

keegan said:


> My wife is currently pregnant and is going on maternity leave soon.
> 
> she told me the other day that she wants to quit her job soon as a registered nurse and become a housewife.
> 
> ...


You may find that having a sahm is well worth it once the baby arrives. Being pregnant and actually caring for an infant were very different experiences, at least for me.

We lived in an apartment until our first was almost two. Then we bought a modest home and saved to first pay it off, then fix it up. 

Money is a tool in life and should come second to family needs/priorities. 

Sit down with your wife and figure out with her the expenses that will need to be cut in order for her to be a sahm. And leave a big margin for unexpected expenses. 

A house is like a special needs child in the amount of money and care it needs. An apartment, especially when you have young kids, could be much easier.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

So you would rather put your child in day care to be raised by strangers and live in a big house than downsize so your wife can stay home with your child? That's shallow of you. You should encourage her to go on maternity leave and sell your house so that you can your wife can raise your child. She can always go back to work when your child in in school and then you can buy a bigger house. Remember if Momma ain't happy nobody is happy.


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

What a nightmare. Are med school debts part of the reason the numbers won't work?

I had to lose my house and am living in an apartment with a hyperactive toddler. This is the darkest point of my life since losing my dad to cancer. A bad dream I can't wake up from.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Try and level with her without getting angry or upset. Lay out the reasons why you feel it would be a bad idea, and then tell her because you want her to be happy too, present her with some options like the above: downsize the house, have her work 1 or 2 days a week at first. To go from working full-time to not at all is a HUGE and jarring shift in dynamic for her day, and for your relationship. I should never have let my exH talk me into quitting my job after giving birth. I was miserable. And I was too focused on his argument that my job didn't earn enough to let us afford a babysitter. I should have stuck to my guns, maybe focused on getting a better-paying job in the same field. That's why I think part-time might be a good transition at first - she gets to spend some of the time she wants at home to see if she actually likes it. Being at home alone with a baby all day is an incredibly lonely experience sometimes. She might find she needs some time out of the house.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You need to sit down and have a serious talk, go over all the finances and see where you could cut back to see if that would work. 

She might have to work part time, in order to keep the house. There is nothing wrong with needing your wife to work, in order to sustain the lifestyle you both are use to. Just go over everything with her, and do it sooner rather than later maybe you can work out a compromise if you sit down and talk.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Being a SAHM, here is my advice.

Sit down with your wife and have a meeting on finances. Bring all the bills and expenses to the table. Run two scenarios one with both of you working and the next with just one paycheck. You need for her to understand how being on a single income will affect everything.

Then, the next step if she still wants to stay home after that approach. Here is what you need to do: run the numbers on what selling the house will leave you with and you can put that into a nest egg, until your situation changes and you can buy a house again.

Rent an apartment, which nowadays depending on where you live could be as high as a mortgage payment. 

This conversation is a little late in coming. You should have had it way when you were thinking about kids. But it is what it is.

I understand, that selling the house to rent an apartment could seemed like you are going backwards in life. But it need not be. It's all in the appoarch.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

imperfectworld said:


> What a nightmare. Are med school debts part of the reason the numbers won't work?
> 
> I had to lose my house and am living in an apartment with a hyperactive toddler. This is the darkest point of my life since losing my dad to cancer. A bad dream I can't wake up from.


That is so sad. Is your wife still with you?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

keegan said:


> My wife is currently pregnant and is going on maternity leave soon.
> 
> she told me the other day that she wants to quit her job soon as a registered nurse and become a housewife.
> 
> ...


 @keegan 

Besides the financial issues, what really is driving your wife's decision. Do you know for sure? Does she?

Does she want to be a SAHM for THE CHILD or does she want to stay home because "her job is too stressful"? She might say both but one of these two is probably much more important to her, even if she does not see it or admit it. 

As the other posters have said, this is a matter of priorities. But your wife really needs to understand and know what she is getting into. Is she "running away" from a stressful job or is she embracing a new role in life dedicated to raising your children?

Then child #2 will come along, and more expenses. Factor in the cost of more than one child in this decision on whether you can afford this.


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> That is so sad. Is your wife still with you?




Yes. After a couple years as a SAHM she literally lost it mentally and I couldn't afford full time daycare, her mental health costs, etc., on a single income. So we lost the house it took years to carefully save up for.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Being an RN doesn't mean she can't be a stay at home mom, even part time. She will likely have to work on the weekend, which you can cover, and 1 or 2 days a week in daycare isn't bad for the child. In today's society, if we want to have a good retirement and enjoy our lives, we need 2 incomes. I get what the OP is feeling. I also understand that being an RN is an emotionally tough job as well. 

I wonder what the rate of marital issues are for nurses and military. It seems that those two top the lists by far.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Get it squarely in writing that this is 100% her decision. That she is solely responsible. That you didn't pressure her, coerce her, threaten her, or otherwise cause duress. That she is completely aware of the consequences of her decision with regards to her professional career and acknowledges that it could have a negative impact on her future. That she will agree not to seek alimony in the event that the marriage dissolves.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

When I got pregnant both my husband and I wanted me to stay home with our kids. Waking kids up out of their comfy-cosy slumber every morning, getting them to daycare, working all day, picking them up from daycare, schlepping them home, dinner, bath-time and bed-time routines. Daily household chores. Where is there time for the couple? I think that unless you can afford a nanny (and don't mind someone else raising your child) then this arrangement can be very hard on a marriage. It's so stressful - I've seen marriages break up over the arguing about who's not doing their fair share, who gets more alone-time, etc.. Didn't seem like the kind of life we wanted.

We had to sell our house in order for me to stay home. We did. With me taking care of the home and children and everything else, H could focus on his career and it didn't take him long to earn enough to buy another home even nicer than the one we sold, and to get to a place where we wanted to be financially. And even to a place that I never dreamed we'd be at financially.

It was short-term pain for long-term gain. We have no regrets at all.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

There have been many discussions started by men, upset that the SAHM is not doing her fair share. These guys are the sole providers, work 50 hrs a week, and come home and do all of the cooking, cleaning and laundry. Is your wife reasonable, fair, and hard working?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

imperfectworld said:


> What a nightmare. Are med school debts part of the reason the numbers won't work?


Med school??!!? She is a NURSE not a doctor.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

keegan said:


> My wife is currently pregnant and is going on maternity leave soon.
> 
> she told me the other day that she wants to quit her job soon as a registered nurse and become a housewife.
> 
> ...


Make more money. 

When your children are grown and out of your home. Do you really think they will look back fondly on the mortgage you paid to keep them in a house? or will they look back at the TIME they were able to spend with their mother...and father? 

TIP: Being an actual latch key kid...raised by a single father...I can tell you....Its the TIME spent together...I was given the house I grew up in as a college graduation gift....it held zero nostalgic value....I sold it in 30 days.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Its a huge risk . 50% of all marriages fail. if yours fail and shes not working and keeping up her job skills if you get divorced it will be a financial disaster for both of you.

I would not even be open to talking about it as a matter of fact I would file for divorce if she leaves her job.

while the thought of staying at home is in my opinion very good for the children the repercussions of a failed marriage with this situation can be unrecoverable.

there seems to be a epidemic of stay at home moms who cry, beg and say how important it is to be there for their kids only to cheat and kick the bread winner to the curb when all the leverage is in there lap.


you have been warned!


everybody has to make there own way in the world. feminism. women want equality then they can work equally, help pay for everything equally, etc,etc,etc.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> Its a huge risk . 50% of all marriages fail. if yours fail and shes not working and keeping up her job skills if you get divorced it will be a financial disaster for both of you.
> 
> *I would not even be open to talking about it as a matter of fact I would file for divorce if she leaves her job.*
> 
> ...


Really? That seems a bit much....and NOT the way a married couple would negotiate a ....not even problem...a choice that must be made together.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I worked full time outside of the home after my 3 months maternity leave. Five days a week included a schedule of 
get up
nurse
dress the baby
hand the baby off to Dad to bring to daycare
go to work (pump throughout the day)
pick baby up from daycare
nurse
cook and eat dinner
nurse
put baby to bed
go to bed
(skipped boring details of the day like changing diapers, cleaning kitchen...)

2 days a week involved grocery shopping, other shopping, laundry and housework. Baby was not very bonded wither Dad or me. But otherwise it was great fun. NOT! We discussed all this over the course of a bit, and I went to part time.

Wow, what a difference. In the 2 extra days a week I was home, I could get much of the weekend stuff done with baby in tow. We took our time and got to know each other. I had enough time to plan out at least one other meal per week in the crock pot to buy us time together one more evening. Dad and I were way less hectic. Dad and I also had a little bit more energy to spend time each night in the evening.

Later I did leave work entirely to open a daycare. That was a different decision and a different kind of nightmare. 

I would not ever choose to work full time outside the home with a baby ever again. Of course, I will never have a baby ever again, so that is all well and good. But the 2 of you have to work the pros and cons out with each other.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

MarriedDude said:


> Really? That seems a bit much....and NOT the way a married couple would negotiate a ....not even problem...a choice that must be made together.


thanks for your opinion.

A choice that must be made together. 

if its a deal breaker because of the huge risk what's to talk about. 

if she quit her job>>>>>> shouldn't that decision be made together. so reread what I said.

if anybody's spouse quits there job without discussing it with there spouse then who started the unilateral decision making.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> thanks for your opinion.
> 
> A choice that must be made together.
> 
> ...


See my post earlier in this thread...

The spouse that continues to work will be held accountable for the repercussions of the decision, even if they were in direct opposition to it.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> thanks for your opinion.
> 
> A choice that must be made together.
> 
> ...


I thought you wrote that you "would not even be open to talking about it"...

I think I clearly understand your position.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Livvie said:


> There have been many discussions started by men, upset that the SAHM is not doing her fair share. These guys are the sole providers, work 50 hrs a week, and come home and do all of the cooking, cleaning and laundry. Is your wife reasonable, fair, and hard working?


My co-worker is living this life (we may move in together...maybe turn gay, who knows). Wife, 3 kids, house and everything...he does almost everything when he gets home. She is a social butterfly and doesn't give a crap. It's awful. And their sex life is blah. I feel awful for him cause he really is at the end of a rope he is never willing to let go of.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Evinrude58 said:


> I say she keeps working. I think there are few women these days that would make a good housewife. Is your wife one of them? Idle hands are the devil's workshop....
> Lots of time to sit around thinking how dull her life is and guess who is to blame when she's unhappy? It's not the mailman.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's worse in a hospital than the devil's workshop from what we've seen here. If my wife was a nurse I would seriously consider a paternity test. ; p


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> See my post earlier in this thread...
> 
> The spouse that continues to work will be held accountable for the repercussions of the decision, even if they were in direct opposition to it.


I find this topic fascinating. If you google sahm alimony you'll actually find a bunch of articles that say the opposite. They say that sahm's are being taken to task, denied alimony and told (especially by female judges) to get a job and that their lack of career was their choice and not applicable after divorce. No more lifetime free ride.

On the other hand, as a CPA who has been involved in hundreds of divorces in Washington state, almost every case I've seen of a sahm involved alimony for long periods of time.

My wife was a sahm for a long time, and now only works part time. I make about 20x what she makes. I'd love to believe the articles you read on Forbes and the NYTimes, but I'm under no illusions....I'm positive I'd have to pay if we divorced for any reason. What makes it worse is that the SAHM is the most likely category to cheat which just just adds insult to injury. Entitled is the word that comes to mind.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Lots of good points here. I'm going to add a few of my own.

I am not a fan of the opposite schedule solution to make two incomes. The number of people who divorce and blame the fact they never had time for each other is huge. Several on here have even specifically said the work hours really killed the level of intimacy - both physically and emotionally. Consider that option very, very carefully.

Those who say the mother is the best to raise a child - I'm glad those are involved mothers. Some women aren't. Some want the challenge of a career and don't enjoy days of diapers, drool and baby toys. I thought I'd be a great SAHM - maybe under different circumstances I would have been but the house was rather isolated and we gave up a car to afford it. Had I been in a neighborhood (or apartment with a playground) where I could socialize with other adults, I might have felt differently.

Consider part-time options, grandparents providing care if possible and other solutions. Changing the TYPE of nursing she does. Cardiac care in a hospital might be way more demanding than a Pediatricians office. Maybe it's time for a change. I was a big fan of daycare because of the isolation - I wanted her to learn to share and gain the social skills from peers and she needed play mates. 

Be willing to downsize for now or work to improve your earning potential. Make sure she understands SAHM is a temporary situation if that's how you feel. Discuss what you want her to do if she is a SAHM - meals, shopping, laundry and housework?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If you're going to make important life decisions, they should be made together. Having said that, some women can't wait to get back to work and some women can't imagine leaving their baby to go back to work. 

One of the very few good things about having a family too quickly is that we didn't have time to incur debt. We started out poor and went on from there. We lived in an apartment for 3 years while we saved for a home, we drove junker cars and did not take vacations...for YEARS.

You and your wife have to decide TOGETHER where your priorities are and under what circumstances could you each tolerate giving in to the other. You also have to realize the is as much an emotionally driven choice as it is a financial. 

I worked full time for about 6 years. I absolutely sucked at being a working Mom, although I loved my job. I just don't have wait it takes to be good at both at the same time. Some women are fabulous at being a working Mom. 

when ever my kids, when they were younger, asked to have ...whatever I would say we can't afford it, and they would complain. Then I would say they could go to daycare after school and all day during the summer so I could work so that they could always get ...whatever, and they always, every time replied "never mind." Perhaps they knew I would suck at being a working Mom?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Making decisions together ,good marriages make decisions together, any reasonable man or woman would want to make important decisions together. Blah blah blah.......................................


in this particular situation its impossible.

did she mention this before getting pregnant? did she indicate with her actions and history that she was a career woman? did she ever at any point discuss that a goal of her was to be a stay at home mom?

if she did then its on you. This should have been ironed out and planned for.

if she surprised you with waiting to get knocked up(I also would never sign a birth certificate with out dna testing) before saying I just want to me a mom its whats best for our kids. Then she is black mailing you.

and there is no compromise to be made.


my Advice.

tell her its not in your plans to be the sole provider. that in todays world the sad fact of the matter is it takes two incomes for most families to have a somewhat decent standard of living. that you thought she was on board with that. and its unfair to change mid stream when you as a couple did not plan properly.


if you think giving her the dream to be a sahm that she will be thankful for your sacrifices. forget it she will complain how hard it is she will say your lucky that you get to go to work and have adult interactions. she will say its sooooo hard .she will read bull $hit articles that tell her she worth 100k a year because it the hardest job in the world. she will resent you for giving her the dream . and when she can go back to work she will drag her heels and say her skill level is down from being out of the work force for so long. and she might even be banging the laid off neighbor because you don't apreciat how hard it is to be a sahm.

then she might file for divorce or you might. and then half of everything you earned after marriage will be hers. half of your retirement plan. your house etc. and if the child is tested after divorce and discovered its not yours you will still be responsible for it.

listen I know I am coming off very strongly about this. because I have too many close friends that have gone through it. 

negotiating 101 if it not negotiable then what's to talk about. Just say its not negotiable and mean it the sooner in the conversation you say the sooner she will accept it.

good luck


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

Wow, I had no idea that real, live people could be so vindictive, unappreciative and suspicious about SAHM's!?! 
Idle time? 
Signing something to agree to never ask for money?
What about the selfless act of raising the child that you both created? 
What about investing in the next generation, personally and taking the time to do it well and thoroughly?

I am truly appalled.

I'm also under no delusion and I realize that those who have said such things have most likely had the unfortunate experience of either having a stay-at-home wife who strayed or took them for all they're worth.

But still, I am truly incredulous.

It's taken a long time for the idea of SAHM's to be respected and appreciated culturally. (USA)
I didn't realize that anyone truly thought so suspiciously of it.

Ok, rant over: as with any role in marriage it needs to be a partnership and a team. It should definitely be thoroughly discussed and vetted as equals. 
Your desires for the future and your ideas on child-rearing need to all be laid out on the table. 

I loved the idea of two columns: one with one income, one with two and how that would look.
Things that will need to be sacrificed or postponed, need to be mutually agreed upon. And it should never be only one of you doing all of the sacrificing. 

Everything you do in marriage should be a partnership anyway. This is just a great galvanizing opportunity to lay it all out on the table and make plans TOGETHER for your mutual future. 

Don't leave out any concern and make sure she takes the time to think things through as well. 
Also, you are a team, it's not ok for her to just assume that if she takes on the role of SAHM that you are now provider of all that she desires. 
You are the provider for this little life you both created and as a TEAM you will both figure out how best to do that for him/her. 

Fear, manipulation and suspicion do NOT belong in that planning session.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> Making decisions together ,good marriages make decisions together, any reasonable man or woman would want to make important decisions together. Blah blah blah.......................................
> 
> 
> in this particular situation its impossible.
> ...


Of course, all of that is a moot point if she simply quits her job and stays home anyway. No way to force someone to work. No real recourse either other than divorce quickly enough to hopefully minimize the alimony impact.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I find this topic fascinating. If you google sahm alimony you'll actually find a bunch of articles that say the opposite. They say that sahm's are being taken to task, denied alimony and told (especially by female judges) to get a job and that their lack of career was their choice and not applicable after divorce. No more lifetime free ride.
> 
> On the other hand, as a CPA who has been involved in hundreds of divorces in Washington state, almost every case I've seen of a sahm involved alimony for long periods of time.
> 
> My wife was a sahm for a long time, and now only works part time. I make about 20x what she makes. I'd love to believe the articles you read on Forbes and the NYTimes, but I'm under no illusions....I'm positive I'd have to pay if we divorced for any reason. What makes it worse is that the SAHM is the most likely category to cheat which just just adds insult to injury. Entitled is the word that comes to mind.



propaganda, the media is so biased its almost useless info at this point.

I think there would be a huge following of a media source that was not biased ( I know no one can be truly unbiased)

If you could have a point counter point info on all subjects reported it might be start in the right direction.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I strongly believe that this decision should be made together, as no adult is entitled to be supported by another adult.

It is also true that if she just quits you will ultimately be responsible for supporting her if you go along with it. 

This is a dated concept, that moms are entitled to support, but at the same time it's hard for someone who hasn't worked in years to get back into the workforce. 

Maybe she's just anxious about impending motherhood..... but this does need to be discussed. If she goes back to work how will you handle an equitable division of child care and chores? Many women feel like the bulk will fall to them, particularly with babies. 

Do you handle household duties fairly now? 

Sit down with her and see if you can get to the bottom of what's going on. Does she really want to be a housewife or is she worried about juggling her current job with a baby?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> *If you're going to make important life decisions, they should be made together. *Having said that, some women can't wait to get back to work and some women can't imagine leaving their baby to go back to work.
> 
> One of the very few good things about having a family too quickly is that we didn't have time to incur debt. We started out poor and went on from there. We lived in an apartment for 3 years while we saved for a home, we drove junker cars and did not take vacations...for YEARS.
> 
> ...


This is reasonable. I can't see this decision being made solely on the basis of economics...Is the budget important...Yes....are the needs of the family unit important...Yes...EVERYONE in the family needs to be onboard with these decisions. You feast or starve as a team. The end result of which is a family that understands the repercussions of the decisions they make, they face them together. I can't see how this is a bad thing????

Maybe I'm crazy...but I don't want a drone that follows my commands as a wife. I want a partner with me on my life journey...A.K.A...Team [email protected] (insert theme music)


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MarriedDude said:


> This is reasonable. I can't see this decision being made solely on the basis of economics...Is the budget important...Yes....are the needs of the family unit important...Yes...EVERYONE in the family needs to be onboard with these decisions. You feast or starve as a team. The end result of which is a family that understands the repercussions of the decisions they make, they face them together. I can't see how this is a bad thing????
> 
> Maybe I'm crazy...but I don't want a drone that follows my commands as a wife. I want a partner with me on my life journey...A.K.A...Team [email protected] (insert theme music)


Absolutely teamwork, mutual respect, cooperation is a wonderful thing and should always be sought. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way, even if it seems like it is in the beginning. It is very easy for resentments to creep in on both sides. Feelings of being taken for granted, feeling unappreciated, and that is not the exclusive domain of the SAHP.

The SAHP/Working parent is a very difficult dynamic to maintain, even in the best of circumstances. It is a house of cards waiting for the slightest breeze, and as unpopular as it is to point out, the foundation of the dynamic is the income of the working parent. Without it, the dynamic can not exist.

If the relationship takes a turn for the worse, which frequently does, the working parent will be financially responsible for the SAHP well into the future simply by virtue of having a job, with no consideration of how good of a job the SAHP actually did at being a SAHP.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Herschel said:


> *Being an RN doesn't mean she can't be a stay at home mom, even part time*. She will likely have to work on the weekend, which you can cover, and 1 or 2 days a week in daycare isn't bad for the child. In today's society, if we want to have a good retirement and enjoy our lives, we need 2 incomes. I get what the OP is feeling. I also understand that being an RN is an emotionally tough job as well.
> 
> I wonder what the rate of marital issues are for nurses and military. It seems that those two top the lists by far.


Great point, Herschel. My wife is a nurse and she did a variety of things when our kids were small. She did per diem homecare with some of the visits being after I got home from work, and other visits on weekends when I could watch the kids. There was another job she got as an on-call nurse so that when parents had sick kids after a doctor's regular office hours, she would get called and help advise them on how best to deal with things. 

I think, as others have pointed out, that deciding to be a SAHM should not just be a decision made by one party in the marriage. OP, this should be a discussion with your wife, and you should both be involved in figuring out how to fix things so everyone feels OK with the decisions. This means there are going to have to be compromises made - she may not get to do exactly what she wants in being a full-time SAHM, and conversely OP may not get his wife working full-time like she currently does. These are the kinds of situations that can make or break a marriage, and the only way to get through this is to work together instead of acting unilaterally.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> Great point, Herschel. My wife is a nurse and she did a variety of things when our kids were small. She did per diem homecare with some of the visits being after I got home from work, and other visits on weekends when I could watch the kids. There was another job she got as an on-call nurse so that when parents had sick kids after a doctor's regular office hours, she would get called and help advise them on how best to deal with things.
> 
> I think, as others have pointed out, that deciding to be a SAHM should not just be a decision made by one party in the marriage. OP, this should be a discussion with your wife, and you should both be involved in figuring out how to fix things so everyone feels OK with the decisions. This means there are going to have to be compromises made - she may not get to do exactly what she wants in being a full-time SAHM, and conversely OP may not get his wife working full-time like she currently does. *These are the kinds of situations that can make or break a marriage, and the only way to get through this is to work together instead of acting unilaterally*.


What makes it tricky is that it is ultimately the prospective SAHP that gets to decide whether it is a mutual or unilateral decision.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> Great point, Herschel.


You had me at Great Point, but being Lloyd Dobler like doubles...nay, triples the effect of the compliment.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I've been a SAHM for over 20 years. We have three children, one of which is out and married. I homeschooled all of them, all the way through. I will be done homeschooling in a year or two with my youngest. We have one in college.

My husband and children have benefited greatly from me being home full time. I have too. I didn't know if I'd like homeschooling, but it has been a wonderful experience and really great for the kids. It has been a financial struggle at times, but we are doing fine. 

I would do it all again and so would my husband.

However, that is not for everyone. I know other women who have worked as nurses working a couple of 12 hours shifts a week and it's worked out well for their family. If your wife finds her current job too stressful, she could find a different position that is less stressful. 

Many women have no idea they are not going to want to go back to work until they are pregnant or after the baby comes. I thought I'd continue to work, but once our baby was here, my husband and I were struggling with working opposite shifts and having a baby. We didn't realize it would be so hard until our baby came along. Once I quit, both or stress levels plummeted and we were much happier.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

keegan said:


> My wife is currently pregnant and is going on maternity leave soon.
> 
> she told me the other day that she wants to quit her job soon as a registered nurse and become a housewife.
> 
> ...



To me its obvious. You guys bought a house with a high mortgage requiring TWO incomes. If one of you decides to no longer work, your total income is cut in half and you don't make enough to pay the mortgage and the bills anymore. Result is you have to sell your nice house and downsize.

If your wife doesn't see this, baby fever, she needs to be made aware of this, like now!!!

She could still work part time (16 to 24 hours week?) as a Registered Nurse? That would work, right?

She has the baby, does her maternity leave and goes back to work while you have a daycare look after your baby or a relative or friend, etc.


If I were in your shoes, Mrs.CuddleBug and I would of sold the big house beforehand, downsized into a more affordable and smaller house. Then we would of talked about starting a family and only having one income. Mrs.CuddleBug and I are more planners and don't just decide to have a baby and then try to figure it all out.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sorry folks, this is a troll.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> Sorry folks, this is a troll.


Still a good discussion.

By the way, my wife (who was a SAHM, and now works part time) is on vacation while I stay here working 14 hour days to pay for it all.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

tigerlily99 said:


> Wow, I had no idea that real, live people could be so vindictive, unappreciative and suspicious about SAHM's!?!
> Idle time?
> Signing something to agree to never ask for money?
> What about the selfless act of raising the child that you both created?
> ...


Oh you bet they do, especially here on TAM. You'll also find, at least here on TAM that most of the cruellest, most insulting comments come from other women, lol.

Well, they'd be insulting if SAHM's like me gave a damn what others think of my life, heheh


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Still a good discussion.
> 
> By the way, my wife (who was a SAHM, and now works part time) is on vacation while I stay here working 14 hour days to pay for it all.


Get back to work! Those pedicures and spa days don't pay for themselves you know!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> My STBX is a RN and went to pier diem after kids...works one day a week. Worked 7p-7a, so I was always home when she was working. Brings in around $25k a year. This is the best solution. It gets her out of the house and she keeps her skills up, and brings in income.


This scenario has been mentioned on more than one thread, and each time I've asked, where is this hospital where you can pull $480 a week working one day a week? 

That's $40 an hour for a 12 hour shift. 

Where are the places that play RNs $40 an hour?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> This scenario has been mentioned on more than one thread, and each time I've asked, where is this hospital where you can pull $480 a week working one day a week?
> 
> That's $40 an hour for a 12 hour shift.
> 
> Where are the places that play RNs $40 an hour?


My sister in law is an ER nurse and probably makes close to that here in Southern California.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I need to tell my Mom where to move then, she's been a nurse for close to 30 years and isn't pulling that.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Get back to work! Those pedicures and spa days don't pay for themselves you know!


Sigh....

Apparently she'd down at the river having a campfire tonight. It's a cheap date with our youngest and her twin nephews.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

tigerlily99 said:


> Wow, I had no idea that real, live people could be so vindictive, unappreciative and suspicious about SAHM's!?!
> Idle time?
> Signing something to agree to never ask for money?
> What about the selfless act of raising the child that you both created?
> ...


There is going to be cynicism given the nature of the board.

I am sure there are many SAHM of this generation, who work very hard at giving their kids the best start and ensuring a load is taken off their husbands shoulders. He can then, get home, relax, enjoy his dinner and have fun with the kids.

There are also many who will not be like this, where the husband will get home, have the kids handed to him to look after and be asked what is for dinner.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Starstarfish said:


> This scenario has been mentioned on more than one thread, and each time I've asked, where is this hospital where you can pull $480 a week working one day a week?
> 
> That's $40 an hour for a 12 hour shift.
> 
> Where are the places that play RNs $40 an hour?


I thought nurses made very good money. I have dealt with some that are worth twice that and some that are not worth even half that.


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