# cant move on something my husband and I did one night



## momof2boys (Dec 22, 2008)

Hi im desprately needing some advice on something that happened some time ago that i wish i could take back.

So my husband and i used to have a really good relationship. were really open with each other and trust each other completly. we are pretty open when it comes to our sexual relationship.were always willing to try new things. my husband has before in the past tried setting up a session with one of his good friends, him and me. never another woman! im very against my husband being with any woman other than me. i get sick to my stomach even thinking of it. my husband was a virgin when i met him and i was the only one he had ever been with. i wanted to keep it that way! anyways,
we have a couple that we are really good friends with. i was best friends with her and my husband is best friends with her fiance. anyways, one night back in september we got all drunk and they were over along with another male friend of my husbands. things kinda got a little crazy and my husband got out the video camera and our friends started fooling around with each other then me and the other guy friend started fooling around until it was me, the other guy, and the other couple all messin around with each other and my husband video tapping. yes i know this sounds really strange. my husband was enjoyin just watchin all of us until his friend (my girlfiiends finance) told him to go get some. i was foolin around with our guy friend and look up and my husbands mounted on my best friend and their having sex.. i know this sounds like a screwed up situation. now that im actually typing it it seems so hard to believe it even happened. anyways, i dont know how to get over seeing my husband do that. hes always been fine with the thought of me and someone else as long as he was involved. i on the other hand have always made it clear that i could not EVER be ok with him being with someone else. i know he has absoulutly no feelings for her whatsoever but i cant get over it. i feel like this is the begining of the end of our relationship because i dont know what to do or cant stop thinking about it. i cant even be around our friends anymore and my husband has been friends with her finace for 19years. i feel like im making him choose between his friend and me because i cant stand being around them and have told him that in order for me to get over this i cant be around them and need some time to heal. im sooo incredibly hurt i cant stand it. we have two kids together, a beautiful house, good jobs, and i thought a good marriage. i dont know why we let this happen. things before this happened were sooo good and now our marriage is tainted. we have been through alot but this i just cant get over. the pain hurts soo bad the thought of him with someone else kills me!! i think about it every day and feel like i will always feel this hurt no matter what. please help! i dont know what to do and cry about it almost every day since it happend. im so ashamed.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

So did you start messing with the friend of your own volition? No prompting.

When you saw your husband on top of your friend, was your husbands friend on top of you?


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## momof2boys (Dec 22, 2008)

yea it was on my own. it just kinda happend. the couple (my best girl friend and my husbands best guy friend) were foolin around then the other guy that we were with and I started messin around. then all four of us ended up without our clothes on while my husband video taped. then after a while i look up from the guy i was with to see my husband and my husband's friend had switched and he was the one with the camcorder and my husband was next to me having sex with my friend. i know its a really messed up situation and its quite confusing. i honestly dont know why we even did this. it was not planned at all and if i could take anything back in my life i would take this back. we used to be really happy together and we still are, its just different. it seems as though this has gotten between us and is keeping us from being as close as we used to be. i dont know what to do and just want to save our marriage from being tainted with this immature stupid thing we did when we were drinking.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yeah, it didn't kind of happen. Alcohol doesn't make you do anything. It only reduces your inhibitions enough so you'll do what you wanted to in the first place. You see your husband saw you having sex with his friend and started having sex with your friend. He might not have acted on this had you not started the ball rolling. Don't you think it is kind of strange that you're OK with initiating having sex with another man in front of your husband (I'm talking about you)? Did you tell your husband that he can only film while you were having sex the other man, and could not participate?


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## momof2boys (Dec 22, 2008)

i know and i do agree. i dont think he would have if it wasnt for me. no i dont think that its ok. and i think this whole situation made me realize that. i didnt realize that this is not right in a marriage to have this happening. its not normal. i do admit that i have done things knowing that my husband "was ok with it". never realized how bad it would feel when the roles were reversed. no i didnt tell him he could not participate. a few nights before we were talking and i was very clear in that i could never participate in a three way where it was me another woman and him. i guess i just got comfortable in the fact that i didnt have to worry about it. i know its not fair that i "get to" and he doesnt. but i just was very against it. 
it has really opened my eyes. we have two beautiful children that we need to focus on and goals in life that we want to work towards i just dont know how to look past these things. he wants to go and hang out with his best friend but i cant even be around them and i know he has no feeling for her but i dont want him being at their house when im not there. i know this is strange i really do. my husband and i talk openly about it all the time and i just got to a point where i need to hear outside advice and thoughts to help our relationship and for me to get past this.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You said, "i do admit that i have done things knowing that my husband "was ok with it". never realized how bad it would feel when the roles were reversed." 

So how common was it to be with other men in front of your husband or by yourself? Once, twice?

OK. First you apologize to him for not setting normal marital boundaries in your marriage. That it was completely insane for you to entertain any ideas of allowing other people into our marriage and then act on these. Let him know that you are completely miserable over what happened and that you want to love him, and only him for the rest of your lives. At this point you do not want to blame him for any of this because you were an active participant. You will need to tell him, seeing him with another woman was like a light switch being turned on. Tell him that you are so deeply ashamed of what has happened that you cannot bear either you or him associating with that group again. Tell him that you feel that a wall has been put up between you and him and ask him to please see a marriage counselor with you. If he sees how badly you feel about yourself over this (because I am sure that he does love you) he will ache in his heart over what has happened too. DO NOT SUGAR COAT THIS. Or dance around the subject. I am praying that there will be a lot of tears on both sides of this talk. At some point you will need to ask forgiveness from each other for what has happened. If you truly want to restore your marriage, it can be done.


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## momof2boys (Dec 22, 2008)

first i have to say you have really good advice. i have read some of your other posts and i think im getting alot of good eye openers from this forum. thank you for that. 
at the begining of our relationship i did cheat on him a few times and then there was a time where it was me my husband (boyfriend at the time) and his best friend got together.(yes the one that is now the finace of my best friend) then my husband and i had a falling out shortly after that(not b/c of what happened though)we broke up right before i found out i was pregnant with our first son. we got back together and patched things up shortly after our son was born. things were going good. we felt as though we grew up and was past all of our more "immature" friends. we moved in together had our 2nd son, bought a house. etc etc. things were going sooo well. at least i thougt. then we started hanging out with them again about 6mths ago and then this happens. what the hell? i thought we grew up and were ready to start our lives together and be happy. where did i fall off track? sorry im kinda venting. i am very angry with myself and realize how good of a husband i have. 


everything that you are saying i feel. the truth is, i have told him these things. and yes there has been alot, ALOT of tears on both ends many many times. even tonight he came home from work and could almost instantly see that i was thinking of it again. he just came over and hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder. he sees how bad this whole situation has affected me and hopefully he also sees that i have opened my eyes and that i do have alot of growing up to do. we have talked about seeing a counselor and he agrees to it. the hard part is getting out and doing it. thats why im here. things are so confusing right now. i do want to work on things but i think i said so before that i just feel like our relationship is tainted . thanks for listening and being real and honest


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Oh and I almost forgot. QUIT THE FRICKING DRINKING!. Just go back through the history of this website and other infidelity sites and see just how many marriages and relationships have been completely destroyed by alcohol (oh, I got so drunk. it just happened). Again. This didn't just happen you wanted it to happen and alcohol just made you more comfortable with doing it. You need to own this. No excuses.

The thoughts of past infidelities will plague you. When either of you get those thoughts you need to run to one another and hold each other and bring it out into the light. And ask forgiveness again. You will need to do this as long as the memory flashes last. You need to forgive each other over and over again. If you don't you will become isolated from one another (from guilt and anger) and your marriage and children will suffer.


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## momof2boys (Dec 22, 2008)

i have also stopped drinking to.  i was almost drinking 2-3 shots per night and hanging out with that couple almost every night. my husband and i stopped smoking 4 years ago when our 1st son was born and around when this whole thing happened, when we were hanging out with those friends, we started smoking again to.. what the hell?!!! i dont know why we keep falling off track when were around them!! i have not been drinking for about 2 months now and also we both stopped smoking AGAIN about 2 months ago too. its hard for me to tell my husband that we cant be around those friends anymore though permantely. i have told him that we need to take time away from them that we need to work on us and focus on our family and that pain needs to heal but he has been friends with this guy for 19years! hes known him since he was 7 ! my husband understands that i dont want to be associated with them anymore but i know it still hurts him that he cant be around his friend. we have not been hanging out with them for about 1 month now and they are constantly texting us and calling and wondering why we dont hang out with them anymore and everyday its a constant reminder of what happend. thank you thank you thank you for all your advice. i practically cant stop crying because all that your saying is so true


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Contact your employers health insurance companies and ask for a list of counselors in their plans. They all have them. find a christian one (my opinion). Why? Because if you go to a christian counselor his main goal will be to restore your marriage by seeking forgiveness from God and each other. Where a secular counselor is just as likely to push you to forgive yourselves (To me it is self serving and you are more likely to start placing blame on one another) Again, this is my opinion only. If you can work through this, you can break down those wall. And your marriage can heal. Remember. We all have a stake in each others marriages. God Bless.


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## momof2boys (Dec 22, 2008)

thank you again for all your help. defiantely helps with all the confusing thoughts and feelings running through my head. you have been a great help laying things down as they are and helping me start looking at what needs to happen and also helping realize that i have some things that i need to work on personally as well. blessing to you as well


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Your husbands best friend? You are your husbands best friend! In your wedding vows did the pastor (if in a church) say "forsaking ALL others"? Guess what, that's your husbands friend. You both need to completely separate from them. If you don't it will continue to tear you apart. Your marriage is in far to much trouble to mess around with this. You must jealously guard your love, marriage and intimacy, especially now. The only other person involved in your marriage at this point should be a marriage counselor.


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## momof2boys (Dec 22, 2008)

yes you are right. i completely agree with you. im going to talk with him about it tonight. we do need counseling. this marriage is very important to me and my husband as well. i cant let something like this tear our beautful family apart. i cant thank you enough. honestly you have no idea how much you have helped! i feel very hopeful


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

sorry you went through this, sounds like your jealousy got the best of you.

This is not something you should have done, simply becuase you were not prepared for it or fully accepted it before it happened and you should have told your hubby about your jealousy streak before hand.

This is something you need to really work on and save your marriage, counseling is a great start.

I think you can over come this and get through this. I guess you were hurt int he past by a prior boyfriend where he cheated and you never recovered from that emotional hurt.

Focus on that your husband loves you and he is not going anywhere, you can get through this be strong.


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## momof2boys (Dec 22, 2008)

thank you GA for your encouragement. yes this is definately something that should not have ever happened. im pretty embarressed and ashamed to have ever even thought that something like this was ok. after reading some of the things posted on this site, ive realized that i have some growing up to do and that my husband is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and do not EVER want anything so stupid to come in between us ever again. he is more than enough man for me and i dont need anyone else and im sure im more woman than he can handle. lol. i just wish i would have realized this before we made the mistakes that we have. but then again i do have to admit that i am happy that i have realized this now and not later before its to late. im so glad to have found this site to be able and see that every couple has their bad times but there are so many people that are there to lend a helping hand and to give support and encouragement. thank you


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Make sure your husband erases the WHOLE video library.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

I don't mean to be judgmental. But this is pretty gross. Not only that, but I am just wondering, why you seem to think it's totally acceptable to tell your husband that you're okay with You having sex with other men, but not okay if your husband wants to do the same thing, and have sex with another woman? That is so hypocritical. You get back what you give out, and you reep what you sow. You asked for it by doing these things, and you asked for it by having sex with another man in front of your husband, and he followed suit, got turned on, and wanted to experience the Very same thing you were. And then you have the nerve to be mad about it? It doesn't matter that you "told" him that you would never be okay with him doing exactly what you seem to think is okay and having sex with someone else. That is a horrible manipulation of your inexperienced husband. Sounds like you wanted to have your cake and eat it too, all while your husband plays the good , devoted, Faithful spouse.... This truly is totally unfair, and you have absolutely no right to be even the slightest bit upset by what he did, not if you're going to do it also, and right in front of him. Get some counseling, this is not probably not normal. I'm sorry if I sound mean, but for Pete's sake, marriage is a sacrement. It's holy, and what you did to your own souls, your marriage and your husband is just wrong. What did you expect? To continue having your way with anyone , while he just sat back and was a good boy?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Also, I'm wondering what your kids are doing, while you're out getting drunk and having sex with multiple people? From reading the other posts. You owe your husband a huge apology. You've cheated on him, and then you manipulate him into thinking it's okay and totally normal, for you to have outside partners, and for him to be always faithful.... so, you basically just got his permission to cheat in front of him, instead of doing it behind his back. You got what you wanted. But what did he get? Disrespected, and most likely some serious emotional damage, whether he admits it or not. And you have kids? Oh, man.... do you really think that they wont' eventually grow up, and know what you guys do? Kids are a lot smarter than you think. They know a lot more than you think. And you can't hide this lifestyle from them. It sounds like a totally selfish, self destructive, self centered, sick situation to me. You need to be faithful to your husband, and get over the fact that he did the same thing you did, at the same party. You're jealous, and you're afraid that now that he has tasted someone besides you, that he'll want more, of her or someone else... You're insecure. And I'm sorry to say, this is probably what you deserve. Please don't take offense to me, as I'm only trying to tell you like it really is (based on what you've written of course) and take a tough love approach. You have to stop this, forever. And take the other posters advice and apologize to your husband, go to a church, a preist, a synegog, where ever you need to go, get help for yourself, and your marriage.


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## mclovin (Nov 18, 2008)

Wow, I'm floored by your post. I mean what type of people/friends do you have that after drinking it turns into an orgy? You are the company you keep. 

I agree with the quit drinking part. Alchohol is always an excuse for acting inappropriately. It would seem that you started to act out and your husband just thought it was ok for him to do the same. It's like being a little pregnant. Once the boundry is crossed it's crossed. You started fooling around and then he saw that and probably figured it was ok. You both are pretty out there for doing this. 

Maybe you need to really figure out why you both started doing this in the first place, because the alchohol wasn't the reason. You both wanted to and decided to. Why?


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## jamapx (Jan 3, 2009)

momof2boys said:


> Hi im desprately needing some advice on something that happened some time ago that i wish i could take back.
> 
> So my husband and i used to have a really good relationship. were really open with each other and trust each other completly. we are pretty open when it comes to our sexual relationship.were always willing to try new things. my husband has before in the past tried setting up a session with one of his good friends, him and me. never another woman! im very against my husband being with any woman other than me. i get sick to my stomach even thinking of it. my husband was a virgin when i met him and i was the only one he had ever been with. i wanted to keep it that way! anyways,
> we have a couple that we are really good friends with. i was best friends with her and my husband is best friends with her fiance. anyways, one night back in september we got all drunk and they were over along with another male friend of my husbands. things kinda got a little crazy and my husband got out the video camera and our friends started fooling around with each other then me and the other guy friend started fooling around until it was me, the other guy, and the other couple all messin around with each other and my husband video tapping. yes i know this sounds really strange. my husband was enjoyin just watchin all of us until his friend (my girlfiiends finance) told him to go get some. i was foolin around with our guy friend and look up and my husbands mounted on my best friend and their having sex.. i know this sounds like a screwed up situation. now that im actually typing it it seems so hard to believe it even happened. anyways, i dont know how to get over seeing my husband do that. hes always been fine with the thought of me and someone else as long as he was involved. i on the other hand have always made it clear that i could not EVER be ok with him being with someone else. i know he has absoulutly no feelings for her whatsoever but i cant get over it. i feel like this is the begining of the end of our relationship because i dont know what to do or cant stop thinking about it. i cant even be around our friends anymore and my husband has been friends with her finace for 19years. i feel like im making him choose between his friend and me because i cant stand being around them and have told him that in order for me to get over this i cant be around them and need some time to heal. im sooo incredibly hurt i cant stand it. we have two kids together, a beautiful house, good jobs, and i thought a good marriage. i dont know why we let this happen. things before this happened were sooo good and now our marriage is tainted. we have been through alot but this i just cant get over. the pain hurts soo bad the thought of him with someone else kills me!! i think about it every day and feel like i will always feel this hurt no matter what. please help! i dont know what to do and cry about it almost every day since it happend. im so ashamed.


You had a psychologically painful experience combined with an intense physical experience. Now you can't stop the re-runs in your head. That's post traumatic stress disorder. Ignore the insulting and rude personal comments in this thread. See a counselor. She will be able to show you how to gain control over these intrusive thoughts. You'll be fine, and so will your relationship. Stop beating yourself up. Moreover, stop allowing it from others. That kind of judgmental "advice" isn't worth the bandwidth it consumes.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Oh please.. get a life whoever you are. No one is being judgmental, it's called the truth, whether it hurts or not. And it is also called a differing opinion than yours, that doesn't make it wrong or judgmental. Sounds to me like maybe you're a proponent of this kind of lifestyle, only if it was so great, it wouldn't have caused her so much turmoil. And also, I have a hard time believing that Anyone would label this "post traumatic stress disorder" Are you Kidding me? That is an Insult to people who truly suffer from that disorder. Here it is plain and simple dude.... She had sex with multiple men, in front of her husband, and he went along with it, she manipulated him into thinking that this was somehow okay, but said (you'd know this if you actually read her posts) that she under no circumstances would allow him to do the SAME thing, and that he must remain Faithful while she swings. Then, at a party, she got involved in an orgy, and had sex with another man, Right in Front of her husband who was taping this,,, and then he got into it, and started having sex with another woman at the party. And she is upset and mad all of a sudden? Go reread my posts... you'll see exactly what the situation is, and it's most certianly NOT post traumatic stress disorder. She got back what she had been dishing out to her hubby, and he followed her lead. She is now insecure and jealous, because she can't handle that her hubby screwed someone else, just like she had been doing. I wonder how he feels.... I only pointed out that that kind of lifestyle and hypocracy in terms of saying it's okay for her, but not for him, is what got her in this trouble to begin with. I seriously doubt she was having a psychologically "painful " experience when she was screwing some dude in front of her hubby. And perhaps.... this is just a silly thought, if she didn't want to have to witness her man doing another woman, just maybe , she shouldn't have done it to him! Ever think about that? hmmmm sick people out there. She needs counseling alright, but I have a difficult time labeling this as "traumatic" like someone who has truly gone through something horrific,,,, you trivialize real post traumatic stress disorder by clowning around with that label here....


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## jacksimpson35 (Jan 3, 2009)

I have to support Jamapx. I have posted a "minority view" on another thread and I will do it here. Mamaof2 boys--you should NOT feel so guilty or terrible about either side of this. First, you have NOT been a hypocrite. Your husband has WANTED you to have sex with other men in front of him. The idea turns him on, and if it turns you on, too, then as consenting adults, doing what you both want, you are not doing anything wrong. If, on the other hand, you can't stand the idea of his having sex with other women, then that's how you feel and he should do his best to accept it. The one-sidedness may not even bother him. If your female friend hadn't been there, and it had just been all the men having you, it seems your husband would have had a fabulous experience. Doesn't sound like he'd complain. On the other hand, given the arousing situation it is natural that he had sex with your friend and she with him. My advice is to try to be more "giving" and "loving" about it. If two people you like gave each other a moment of pleasure, that can be viewed as a good thing. Having shared the intimacy with your friend you can be closer to her. Don't be insecure by acting insecure. You don't have to accept or feel conventionally, just as you don't when it comes to having other men. Easier said than done, yes, but possible if you take a deep breath and see other paths!


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Hmmm I guess you cause heads forgot to read this girls posts, where she said herself,,, that she regretted doing this, and that she realized who crappy she'd been treating her hubby by screwing other dudes with his "consent" and then getting mad when he finally did the same thing to her. She said that now that the tables had turned , she realized what she'd been possibly putting her hubby through, and that she had never bothered to look at it from that perspective, and wishes she'd been faithful to her man. It is hypocracy, to say that she is totally okay with herself swining, but then telling her husband that he's not allowed to. This whole thing started when he finally did , "disobey" her and indulged himself, and then she couldn't handle it. I simply told her the truth, and if the shoe fits, wear it..... some people cant' handle the truth. This girl is fretting now, because she went to a place with her marrige , did you hear that? MARRIAGE... as in , Faithful, Love Honer, Cherish, Keeping only to your spouse..... She went to a place with her marriage, that she nor her spouse, can handle, and now they've both been damaged. I have a difficult time feeling sorry for people that willingly endulge in hedonistic behavior, and then whine about the consequenses later... that is called kindergarten, not adulthood. And perhaps bleeding hearts who sypmathize with that kind of stuff, are the reason so many Americans are so jacked up now. Who cares about morals anymore right? Who needs em... only, if this were normal, and natural... she would'nt, and he wouldn't be having such a problem with it.... The funny thing is, the second I gave this girl a little bit of tough love, and told her how I and most normal people see this situation, the accusations from the "supposedly tolerant" people, started to fly. I'm not judmental, just have some common sense, and albeit not important anymore in this society, some morals. Call me judgmental, but it seems to me, that perhaps you two are the judgmental ones. Good day....


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## momof2boys (Dec 22, 2008)

Marina you are hilarious. i cant help but laugh at how you are acting. stop pretending to know everything about my life and my kids. you may not think you are being judgemental but you totally are. this site i thought was out there to get advice and talk about marriage! but you are just turning it into something for you to come on here and read other problems that couples have just to make you life seem not so bad. give it up. people have problems. do stupid things. i think it was a pretty good move to come on here and put myself out there and have all these nice people who may have more experience help me out with a little advice and knowlege. an outsiders opinion. and thank you to all that have done so. but your advice or whatever the hell it is you call that is totally hillarious. its people like you why this world is such a hateful and angry place and why there are hate crimes because people dont all fit into a little cookie cutter world that apparantly you fall into. GET OVER IT! get over yourself! if you have nothing helpful or productive to say then you are on the wrong site. thank you to all the people who have replied to my post with encouraging, helpful advice. Things are going very well and my husband and i are closer and happier than ever. as for this silly little woman..go on with your unhappy life of yours where you have to try and make people feel bad just to make yourself feel better. like i said, my husband and i are doing just fine. our sick or gross relationship or whatever you want to call it is im sure a hell of alot more satisfying and happy then you will ever come close to with you closed minded attitude.
peace. love. happiness. learn it


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Thread locked. Everyone please observe forum guideline #1:

1. Treat others on the forum with dignity and respect.


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