# STBXW a bit delirious?



## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

I know this is a ridiculous post, but I just am trying to figure out what the heck is saying. But, she's telling family and friends that she's "hasn't decided" what to do with us. Her allies are telling her she has their support with whatever she decides to do. What am I missing here? The court papers were filed by me. There is a docket # and it's in process. The decision was already made. Some were saying was wrong and just covering, so I just showed them a copy of the petition. 

What is her deal? Yet, around me, she is all nice and coy. Not for nothing, but she asked for me to give her some cookware she gave me for my birthday a few years ago. Would you believe this? I swear, heaven only knows what she's telling other people. All they are are lies. Proof in point, my paperwork filed with the court. 

It's just a never ending nightmare.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'd be forced to say that she is a tad self-conscious of her own personal status in the whole divorce process!

Could you please expound upon why the divorce is coming into fruition in the first place? Was it her fault or your fault? And was infidelity of any kind involved?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Complete and utter marriage breakdown on all levels. Whole lot of different things. No, there was no cheating; that I am aware of. Did the phone track and phone record thing, no cheating. However, I heard the true feelings of my wife. 

It's just a disaster.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It is easier if you stick with one thread, brother.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You really need to do a hard 180. You can't rationalize the irrational.

Leave it and her in the dark. You'll be surprised how much easier it'll make your like.

She thinks she had power over you. The hugs/kisses???? Back away or better yet stay away.

No reason yo see her. Put her stuff in storage pay the first month (in her name) and mail her a key


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's just trying to salvage her public image. She's spin-doctoring. Ignore it. When friends and family ask you what is up just tell them the concise truth.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Yeah she's just posturing to maintain her image.

Given your description of the total breakdown of the marriage but no infidelity, there is no reason to bad mouth her to her friends or relatives. Using the words you did here would be fine, that the marriage just totally broke down. I say this just to be sure you're not doing sort of the same thing she is, trying to make yourself look like the good guy who is the victim in the divorce.

Now if someone asks you about it, you certainly should be truthful in what you say (though you can also say it is a private matter). There's no reason to protect her image by lying.

I think people worry a lot about what people will think wrt the divorce. Since there is no infidelity there is no reason for either one of you to feel embarrassed. You might tell her this if you are concerned she is lying about things.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> It is easier if you stick with one thread, brother.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Sorry about that. Not a techie person. If the mods can merge, that would be good.




Marc878 said:


> You really need to do a hard 180. You can't rationalize the irrational.
> 
> Leave it and her in the dark. You'll be surprised how much easier it'll make your like.
> 
> ...


She comes over, and I back away. I just say, what do you need, then she gets an attitude. I can't give my husband a hug? I just say, with a VAR, please just get what you need and leave.

She left in a huff on Friday because she saw I purchased a new couch (she took her old one). She claimed she didn't like the color or model. Said this should had been our decision. I looked at her puzzled. I said, we're divorcing, there are no couple decisions anymore.



bandit.45 said:


> She's just trying to salvage her public image. She's spin-doctoring. Ignore it. When friends and family ask you what is up just tell them the concise truth.


One person posted on her FB profile that she's sorry to hear about our "troubles" and they are behind her with whatever decision she decides to take. I looked at that and was again, puzzled. It's not her decision anymore. Two personalities. One for me, one for her friends/family. This whole ordeal seems very childish. Yet, she's older than me!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Almost-Done said:


> She comes over, and I back away. I just say, what do you need, then she gets an attitude. I can't give my husband a hug? I just say, with a VAR, please just get what you need and leave.
> 
> She left in a huff on Friday because she saw I purchased a new couch (she took her old one). She claimed she didn't like the color or model. Said this should had been our decision. I looked at her puzzled. I said, we're divorcing, there are no couple decisions anymore.


Excellent.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Thor said:


> Yeah she's just posturing to maintain her image.
> 
> Given your description of the total breakdown of the marriage but no infidelity, there is no reason to bad mouth her to her friends or relatives. Using the words you did here would be fine, that the marriage just totally broke down. I say this just to be sure you're not doing sort of the same thing she is, trying to make yourself look like the good guy who is the victim in the divorce.
> 
> ...


Everyone would tell you that I've never badmouthed her. Even now, I just say she has a warped view of our relationship. It would just be nice to have the same courtesy. I'm tempted to post the first page of the divorce petition on my FB page to put everything to rest. I just do not know if I can legally do that or not. Also, if that would cause more harm than good. In some respect, it seems that I am lowering myself to her standards by joining her game. I've been on the sidelines and just swallowing it. I think that has had more of an effect than an actual response. It's comes of as do and say what you want, I just don't care anymore.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You are not swallowing it. You are not weak. 

You are taking the high road and being the better person. In the end, after the dust settles, no one is going to care or even remember the things she is saying and posting. You will move on, she will move on, time will crust over the wounds, people will forget or no longer care, and you will look back on this whole ordeal as a speedbump in the road. 

Just keep going like you are going and ignore her rants. Be a good, friendly, polite person whenever one of your mutual friends approaches you. Give them no indication that your attitude is anything like what she is telling them.

Post positive, good news about yourself on your FB page. Be upbeat and funny and talk about the good things happening in your life. Do not even mention her or the divorce. That will enrage her more than you actually coming out and talking about it, because it will show her your indifference. Your anger would show her you still care and that she still has a hook in you. Indifference will show her that nothing she can do will affect your life or decisions. .


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> You are not swallowing it. You are not weak.
> 
> You are taking the high road and being the better person. In the end, after the dust settles, no one is going to care or even remember the things she is saying and posting. You will move on, she will move on, time will crust over the wounds, people will forget or no longer care, and you will look back on this whole ordeal as a speedbump in the road.
> 
> Just keep going like you are going and ignore her rants. Be a good, friendly, polite person whenever one of your mutual friends approaches you. Give them no indication that your attitude is anything like what she is telling them.


Certainly trying.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Almost-Done said:


> One person posted on her FB profile that she's sorry to hear about our "troubles" and they are behind her with whatever decision she decides to take. I looked at that and was again, puzzled.


defriend her. don't look at her profile anymore. FB is foolishness - recommend staying off of it. you don't have to counter her story. 

detach.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

helolover said:


> defriend her. don't look at her profile anymore. FB is foolishness.
> 
> detach.


I don't get this slavery to Facebook that some people have.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

helolover said:


> defriend her. don't look at her profile anymore. FB is foolishness - recommend staying off of it. you don't have to counter her story.
> 
> detach.


"Friend" forwarded me the post. I wasn't looking at her page.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

IMO if it gives you closure and it's something that you think you need to do put it out there. I like the truth. It has a way of fixing things.

People always quote "if you seek revenge dig two graves". I think this was modified from the original by a coward to use as an excuse to do nothing. 

I don't see a thing wrong with consequences if they are warranted.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Sounds like she's still trying to control you.
Same as her previous comments regarding her requests for flowers on mother's day & a gift for her bday. 
Be glad to be rid of this behaviour & find a nice woman who appreciates you & doesn't try to control every aspect of your life. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

Just wish I knew what caused the change. Granted, she's say it was me, but when I asked please, give me examples, there were none to give. I then go back, then how do you make a statement like that. She then says, why? What did I do that was so bad. Well, where would like to start.


Refusal of any type of intimacy or kissing.

Refusal of going out of town or on special date nights.

Refusal of communication.

Doing things with your friends instead of your husband.

Having no trust or respect in/for me for no reason.

Living separate lives.

No assistance with taking care of the home.

No help with cooking, even though they are what you always want to eat.

Not allowing me to come to your therapist sessions so we can try and fix this.

Not working at all on the relationship, then wonder why it's failing.

Making up things to tell your best friend and Mom/Dad about me which are not even true, but you, for some weird reason think they are.

Refusing to have joint accounts, everything separate.

Refusing or forgetting to wear your wedding rings for the last year or so (on and off).

Not caring at all about my needs.

When sick, you basically leave me to fend for myself. Real bad shape. Had to text her to pick up some medicine and food when I had the flu.

No respect for my privacy. Attempts to get into my home office and look around (wonders why I put on a door lock). 

Locks her phone and email accounts and refuses to give me her passwords. Yet, she has access to mine. 

Deletes texts and messages from friends and mom.

I would never be able to get through this list with her. I've even asked for her to make a list of her issues with me and we can go over it together. This was six months ago. Never received a list.

I even said, way back when, I just find it hard to see my life without you. Her reply, you'll be fine. 

The only closure I could get is if she would tell me why. How does a woman turn from such an apparently warm and loving girlfriend/fiance/wife to a woman who couldn't care about anything in regard to me it seems. I just want to know what in the world happened. That is all. This is just heartbreaking to me. 

I know I should had vetted her first marriage on why it ended more. I guess, I was so happy to have someone that seemed by my side, I just wrote off small things, which were prerequisites to larger things. Whereas, when we were engaged, sex got less and less. Dating stage 2 - 3 a week. End of engagement / start of marriage would be lucky for once a week. I thought, maybe it was my performance. I asked her to tell me what she needed/liked. Her response, I shouldn't have too. You should know. Then, she would often say the sex was very good and satisfying. Only a few times was I able to get her to shake and climax. I do not think it was me, as the prior relationship, I was able to get her to shake and climax all the time. Not on this one. I feel bad. Perhaps that was the issue. I just do not know.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Almost-Done said:


> The only closure I could get is if she would tell me why.


Forget about closure, few if any get closure when dumped. Even if she gave you a reason, it might not be the real reason, in fact she might not even know other than her feelings changed.

Maybe she met another guy. Maybe she's bipolar. 

You treated her well, you didn't bait and switch her before marriage, so your conscience is clear. Don't obsess over the "why" deal with the "what". 

Better to find out it's over now rather than later.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Almost-Done said:


> Just wish I knew what caused the change. Granted, she's say it was me, but when I asked please, give me examples, there were none to give. I then go back, then how do you make a statement like that. She then says, why? What did I do that was so bad. Well, where would like to start.
> 
> 
> Refusal of any type of intimacy or kissing.
> ...


Her core self hasn't changed, almost everyone is on the best behavior during dating etc. She was probably in love with the ideal of marriage and the white picket fences. 

In general terms your stbx isnt/wasn't happy, you ask for lists yet she can't really provide a list because she doesn't know. Something is missing to her but she can't pinpoint because she has probably never had it. She blames you because that is the easiest thing to do. She is unwilling or unable to reflect within herself so again it must be you and you because you don't have mind reading capabilities. 

I heard plenty of the "you should have known" and "why didn't you see this or that" from my ex. All in very broad general terms and never anything specific. You could have done many things different in your marriage the results probably would be the same. 

When my ex was my wife she was very bright and cheery.....with me. Everybody including her family always asked me how I could deal with her. Most thought her a [email protected] and couldn't stand her. Eventually and over the years the [email protected] part of her came out more and more with me. This is who she is, she didn't change, she just quit acting. 

Once you allow yourself some time and perspective you will see it wasn't her changing but you adapting and trying to change to maintain.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Mclane said:


> Forget about closure, few if any get closure when dumped. Even if she gave you a reason, it might not be the real reason, in fact she might not even know other than her feelings changed.
> 
> Maybe she met another guy. Maybe she's bipolar.
> 
> ...


As politely and respectfully as possible...

Pleeeaaaaase change your avatar.

P-L-E-A-S-E.


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## Almost-Done (Mar 5, 2016)

honcho said:


> Her core self hasn't changed, almost everyone is on the best behavior during dating etc. She was probably in love with the ideal of marriage and the white picket fences.
> 
> In general terms your stbx isnt/wasn't happy, you ask for lists yet she can't really provide a list because she doesn't know. Something is missing to her but she can't pinpoint because she has probably never had it. She blames you because that is the easiest thing to do. She is unwilling or unable to reflect within herself so again it must be you and you because you don't have mind reading capabilities.
> 
> ...


Ironically, I've been told this before. Not sure how I didn't see it. It's just very hard to process.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Almost-Done said:


> Ironically, I've been told this before. Not sure how I didn't see it. It's just very hard to process.


Because when we fall in love our brains don't want to see it. We all think we got "the special one"


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