# Honestly, I still grieve, but I grieve alone



## Alive Again

As I've posted elsewhere, my wife left me and our family after more than 30 years of marriage. It was sudden as I thought we were happy. She didn't leave me for another man, nor for a woman, but basically walked away from all kinds of life as we have ever known it, and basically disappeared into the temples in East Asia. She will only communicate with one of her sisters, and even then, not often - she cut off all communication with all the rest of the family. 

After more than 2 years that included being medicated for depression, but somehow hanging on to a well-paying job, an old friend found me, and we hit it off. She's done a lot to bring me back to life, and has made life very happy for me. I travel for work, and I love taking her with me (the last of my three children graduated high school last year, and the other two are long married and have families of their own, so there's nothing holding someone at home when I travel - so we do it together). I was thinking this afternoon as I finished an exhausting week of how happy I really am with her ... and life with her.

But honestly, I still grieve for my ex-wife. I'm not trying to restore a relationship with her - I've let her go. But there are times when she appears in my dreams - always weird situations that honestly, almost always leave me angry when I wake up. When I think about her, I still miss the times we had together. I still have great memories of her, chief among which was when our children were born. I am not angry with her. I don't hate her. I honestly want the best for her. I never got closure with her - never got answers for why, and I suppose I never will. Sometimes, when I wonder about how she is able to make it, I find I honestly worry about her - I suppose after more than 30 years of putting her well-being first, it's hard to shut that spigot off.

I'm truly happy with the lady who has come to be a part of my life, and I want to remain happy with her, and make her happy. When I think of what is happening to me in secret, the only thing I can think of is that I'm still grieving. I suppose writing is helpful for me as I've felt better after posting one thing or another on this board, and it is helpful when I pause and think of how good my situation is with my fiance, but when times get quiet, or I'm alone, or when I have another one of those dreams, I find myself praying silently for my ex wife's well-being, being saddened again for the end of our marriage, and just grieving for her ... sometimes still wanting to cry ... and her leaving was the only thing I remember crying about in my adult life. My lady and I actually do talk a bit about our previous relationships as we are both divorced and both of our marriages ended on bad notes, but the difference is that she was never happy in her marriage, and I was for many years ... until it ended terribly ... but I can't burden her with baggage I still have hanging on, and as I said, as hard as this is to explain, even though I still grieve, I am very happy with her, and as my monniker states, after those two years of depression, the last (almost) year, I feel like I'm alive again. 

Does anybody have a similar experience? How long did you grieve? or did you ever get past the grief? Do you know what it is to be happy, and still grieve for something deeply?

No wrong answers. I just want to hear what other people's experience was. I have nobody I can really talk to honestly about it, and it seems strange to me to say it ... I'm happy, but part of me just continues to feel a profound loss of someone I loved for so long.


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## EleGirl

I've never had that kind of experience. By the time I ended a relationship/marriage I was done grieving. Hardly ever thought of them afterwards. But maybe that's because I'm the one who left... and for good cause.

Perhaps you could look at it that while it hurt for her to leave you, you were lucky to have a good relationship for so long. Maybe that's what you hold on it?


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## sokillme

Alive Again said:


> As I've posted elsewhere, my wife left me and our family after more than 30 years of marriage. It was sudden as I thought we were happy. She didn't leave me for another man, nor for a woman, but basically walked away from all kinds of life as we have ever known it, and basically disappeared into the temples in East Asia. She will only communicate with one of her sisters, and even then, not often - she cut off all communication with all the rest of the family.
> 
> After more than 2 years that included being medicated for depression, but somehow hanging on to a well-paying job, an old friend found me, and we hit it off. She's done a lot to bring me back to life, and has made life very happy for me. I travel for work, and I love taking her with me (the last of my three children graduated high school last year, and the other two are long married and have families of their own, so there's nothing holding someone at home when I travel - so we do it together). I was thinking this afternoon as I finished an exhausting week of how happy I really am with her ... and life with her.
> 
> But honestly, I still grieve for my ex-wife. I'm not trying to restore a relationship with her - I've let her go. But there are times when she appears in my dreams - always weird situations that honestly, almost always leave me angry when I wake up. When I think about her, I still miss the times we had together. I still have great memories of her, chief among which was when our children were born. I am not angry with her. I don't hate her. I honestly want the best for her. I never got closure with her - never got answers for why, and I suppose I never will. Sometimes, when I wonder about how she is able to make it, I find I honestly worry about her - I suppose after more than 30 years of putting her well-being first, it's hard to shut that spigot off.
> 
> I'm truly happy with the lady who has come to be a part of my life, and I want to remain happy with her, and make her happy. When I think of what is happening to me in secret, the only thing I can think of is that I'm still grieving. I suppose writing is helpful for me as I've felt better after posting one thing or another on this board, and it is helpful when I pause and think of how good my situation is with my fiance, but when times get quiet, or I'm alone, or when I have another one of those dreams, I find myself praying silently for my ex wife's well-being, being saddened again for the end of our marriage, and just grieving for her ... sometimes still wanting to cry ... and her leaving was the only thing I remember crying about in my adult life. My lady and I actually do talk a bit about our previous relationships as we are both divorced and both of our marriages ended on bad notes, but the difference is that she was never happy in her marriage, and I was for many years ... until it ended terribly ... but I can't burden her with baggage I still have hanging on, and as I said, as hard as this is to explain, even though I still grieve, I am very happy with her, and as my monniker states, after those two years of depression, the last (almost) year, I feel like I'm alive again.
> 
> Does anybody have a similar experience? How long did you grieve? or did you ever get past the grief? Do you know what it is to be happy, and still grieve for something deeply?
> 
> No wrong answers. I just want to hear what other people's experience was. I have nobody I can really talk to honestly about it, and it seems strange to me to say it ... I'm happy, but part of me just continues to feel a profound loss of someone I loved for so long.


Sorry for you pain. Things in life end. Grieving is a part of that. She left your kids too. So much of life is sadness. Enjoy the happy when you can get it. 

I just hope you don't find out one day that she left to go to another city with some guy and the temple thing was all a ruse.


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## 2ntnuf

You may always grieve at times of remembrance. After all, it wasn't all bad. It sure seemed like that for some time, I bet. It wasn't. 

It was a choice that you each made. Even if you weren't the one to file, doesn't matter. Not working on things way before it gets to that point just means you don't like change, or someone doesn't. 

I don't, either. You're not alone. 

Those times when you remember will get a bit easier with time and moving forward. Some say moving on, but don't care for that. It sounds like I'm leaving it all behind, but that's not always how it works. Everyone is different. 

Some folks can get over it fairly quickly. Don't we wish it worked that way for us? 

Try not to beat yourself up when you have those times. Just accept that you feel a little crappy and allow yourself that freedom to feel. Accept it and it will go easier and last a shorter time. 

It's all good. Just keep going. 

Of course, if it gets really bad, and you will know, then seek some counseling again. There's no shame in it.


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## Spicy

You know, no I didn’t have a situation like this, but I share a lot of your feelings. 
Thirty years, and numerous kids with a woman you were happy with?
Of course you are still grieving. I bet you miss her every day. It’s natural. 

The thing that can be hard for others to comprehend is how it feels when you don’t hate each other, and the marriage ended for other reasons. i venture to say most marriages end badly. Mine didn’t. I still miss my XH, I certinaly worry about his well being etc. I doubt that will ever change.

Don’t feel bad for how you are feeling. It has only been a couple of years. It is ok to miss her and to grieve the loss of what your life was.

Now, you have been blessed with a second chance at love. Enjoy it sweetheart.


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## Alive Again

Thank you. I suppose it's natural enough. That's what I tell myself, anyway. It's been close to three years, now, but your point is well taken, and yes, I count myself very blessed to have another chance ... although feelings sometimes have to be told what their boundaries are. I suppose I just look for other people's experience to compare with to see how far in, or out of norm I may be.

Re: Whether or not she may have gone with another man and made up the story of being in a temple: I don't have enough energy to tell why I'm pretty certain this is not the case, but at this point, I don't know that it matters much to me. The bottom line is that the last few months before she departed, it was obvious that her heart had departed from us, and she left to pursue another life that did not include us. That's the bottom line.

Thank you to everyone for your input and feedback.


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