# New with an old problem



## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

My husband and I have dated for 3 years before getting married last year. We had a child out of wedlock and waited until she was a year and a half to get married so we knew we weren't rushing into it or felt pressured into it because we had a child.

We never had a problem with sex until after we became married. It seemed as though after the marriage, we just didn't have sex. He became very distant for about 3 weeks and then cheated on me with one of his ex's (2 months after we married). That was almost a year ago and he's had no contact with her since, nor have I reason to believe he's contacted her. We even went so far as to file a harrassment complaint against her with the authorities because she would not leave us alone afterward. Since then we've had no problem with her.

However, sex has been strained. After the affair I had rejected him for a little while until I was ready to accept him again, and even after that I've had problems with not want him so much as needing the feeling of him wanting me instead. I need to feel desired and secure that he was attracted to me, so I have a problem going to him for sex because I'm afraid of rejection, or maybe I'm just not what he wants.

Lately he's not interested in sex at all. I wait for him to make a move but he never, ever does...and when I do advance, I'm rejected. I pulled every move I could last night, flirted, toyed with him...everything. He rolled over and went to bed. If and when we do have sex, its like he's going through the motions. He doesn't get 100% hard anymore and when he is hard, it doesn't stay that way for long. I'm never satsified by it. I'm so used to having to please myself that when we do have sex, I can't orgasm.

I've asked him about it and he says he's stressed and he works 12 hour days and he's tired. But even on the weekends theres nothing. I work as well and our shifts conflict sometimes but that never stopped us before. 

Its to the point where I no longer can please _myself_ anymore because what I'm lacking isn't just the pleasure of sex, but also the affection and love that comes with it.

Otherwise I feel we're doing alright. We joke around, flirt and spend time together (whenever we can) and when we're together, we're happy with eachother. We haven't had a fight in a while and are getting along with no problem. But when I go to bed at night, I wonder what the use of staying in the same bed is.

I'm attractive. I get hit on all the time at work, even when I don't wear make-up. I reject everyone because I can't fathom the idea of having an affair, but I can't help but feel that a total stranger wants me more than my husband. I'm 125lbs and still losing weight because I don't feel as though I'm skinny enough...like maybe if I was a little bit thinner I'd be prettier to him

I just don't know what to do. He says he just doesn't have any desire anymore. Not that he isn't attractive to me or doesn't love me, but he just isn't a sex hound like he used to be. Meanwhile, its having a lot of negative effects on me.

Should I ask him to see a doctor? If he isn't feeling it, maybe his testosteron levels are low for whatever reason. I just don't think I can handle it anymore. It would be different if he was across seas and he couldn't, but he's right here with me...and he won't, or can't. I'm just not sure what I should be doing that I'm not.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A doctor? Sounds like his excuses are BS. It's in his head. That kind of doctor. He's got some sort of hang up about being legally married. Maybe he feels trapped or smothered. You can examine your own behavior honestly and determine if you are smothering him. Maybe he feels his married role should be different than his non married role?


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

His job is starting to take him away a lot more than It used to. I thought it would only be for the winter since jobs were scarce and his boss seemed to have to look for jobs to keep him going. At first I was really upset that he had to be away for 2-3 weeks at a time with just the weekends to see him. We have a daughter and its very hard on me and the baby-sitter if I have to leave her there until midnight for when my shift is up.

The way our work is, he works during the day and I work during the evening so we don't need to use the baby-sitter as much, but when he's out of town it puts a load of stress on me to keep the house up, pay the baby-sitter by myself, pick the baby up at midnight and do it again the next day. He's been out of town most of the winter and now that spring has come, the jobs still seem to be out of town. His boss hasn't changed his schedule, it seems.

He called me up the other day and told me he was sick of it. He was tired of going out of town and he didn't want to spend weeks at a time away. I told him he needed to talk to his boss about it but he hasn't yet. I have to admit that sometimes I do snap and have a meltdown that he's not here and I never see him. After I calm down I apologize to him and tell him its not his fault and that I'm sorry, I wasn't angry with him...just at the situation.

During the winter, his boss would work him during the day, then call him in at night to plow snow until 1am, and then he'd have to be back at work the next day at 5am. We thank his boss for keeping him in work because we can't affrod being laid off, but it's getting to the point where I can't handle not seeing him, and he's getting frustrated with being his boss's "go-to guy" ALL the time for everything.

Like I said...I do snap sometimes. Its getting better and I think I'm slowly starting to just give in and succum to "This is how its going to be. Don't bother trying to change it". I used to trust him and I don't think he's fooling around behind my back so I kind of still do trust him, but I'm more protective of him than I used to be due to that affair. If another girl looks at him, I get tense...where as I used to just laugh about it. We never fight and it never comes up...I feel its my personal issue that I have to get over, so I don't project it onto him when I feel that insecurity. But I think he knows its there and he feels guilty about it.

It just seems like he'll be out of town forever and we'll never have sex again. I'm no sex fiend, I just want to occasionally feel wanted by my husband again.

Edited to fix some typos


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Its probably because, now that you are married, its his job (and your job) to have sex with eachother. Nobody likes their job. It's quite exciting at first, but then after the novelty wears off it gets boring when you have to do it week after week after week. And also when it is expected of you. And no I'm not saying you are a bad lay, it was the "job" thing I was trying to emphasise here.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

I understand that. I think at first he felt a lot of pressure after the affair to seek forgiveness and acceptance again. Now that I'm better about it, I feel as though he looks at it like a duty and I hate that. Like he comes home from work and its just another job to have sex.

Should I just give it a rest? I mean, I feel as though I'm not pestering him about it and I try and keep it light. We joke about it sometimes, but I think we both know theres a problem. I expected that maybe a few years down the line it might turn into the old "sex is a chore" thing that happens in marriage that I hear about, but not even a year after marriage?

Is there a way to pull him out of this? Should we see a therapist?


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