# advice needed from both ladies and men



## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

After finding out my husband had a "loving internet affair" about 18 months ago with a woman 30 years younger than me (we are both in our early 60's) my heart was ripped wide open when I read the romantic loving expressed by him to her....... He has said sorry and is trying to make amends, BUT when I tell him WHY can't he say and do romantic loving things with me he says he will, but nothing seems to happened. I have told him many many times how upset I am about this but its like "water off a ducks back" to him. He says he knows how hurt I was, so I would have thought that being the case he WOULD at least try!!! 
Thanks for letting me vent, but any thoughts from either men or women would be appreciated. :scratchhead:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

What he did was wrong and I totally feel for you. <hugs>

But he admitted to this affair, stopped it and is now trying to make amends?

How's this? Get him to sign a legal agreement stating if he ever does this again, you get the entire house and he has to just leave. If he signs it, he is really sorry and trying. If he gets mad, makes excuses, he isn't really sorry.

Not justifying his affair, but what did this other woman do that got him interested?

Dressed?

Certain way she talked?

What was it?

Snoop and find out if you can and do that for him as a surprise.


Have either of you taken the 5 love languages quiz together? 

Take it and compare afterwards. You both might be very surprised that your main love languages are not even close.

Home | The 5 Love Languages®


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> What he did was wrong and I totally feel for you. <hugs>
> 
> But he admitted to this affair, stopped it and is now trying to make amends?
> 
> ...




Really? You are suggesting that the OP compete with the affair partner? That she changes herself to be like whatever a women 30 years younger than she is like? 

And this on a forum that in almost every case a BH is told to just file for divorce and that there is nothing he did that justifies his wife's affair.

And in the rare occasion that a guy does try to reconciliation, he's told on TAM that it's up the WW to do the hard work to win him back and that she was to be punished for her affair?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

essexgirl said:


> After finding out my husband had a "loving internet affair" about 18 months ago with a woman 30 years younger than me (we are both in our early 60's) my heart was ripped wide open when I read the romantic loving expressed by him to her....... He has said sorry and is trying to make amends, BUT when I tell him WHY can't he say and do romantic loving things with me he says he will, but nothing seems to happened. I have told him many many times how upset I am about this but its like "water off a ducks back" to him. He says he knows how hurt I was, so I would have thought that being the case he WOULD at least try!!!
> Thanks for letting me vent, but any thoughts from either men or women would be appreciated. :scratchhead:


If your husband is not doing the things that you have told him that you need from him, he’s being complacent and not valuing you. It does not take a lot of work to do say and do romantic things.

What have you done besides just taking him back? Did the two of you go to counseling? How much have the two of you talked about the things in the marriage that were broken before the affair.

My suggestion is that you tell him that you are not happy and that your marriage still has significant problems. You need for him to work on fixing the marriage with you. Get the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. Read them together and work on the things that the book suggests. Both of you will need to make changes to meet the other’s needs.

Another book that I suggest that you read is “Divorce Busting”. When you read it pay special attention to the section on the 180. (It’s not the 180 that is linked to in my signature block below.) The DB 180 is one that you customize for your situation.

I do agree with the two of you looking at the 5 Languages of Love material. I think it's a good follow on to the "His Needs, Her Needs" book.

It is completely reasonable for you to expect your husband to do romantic things if you this is one of your needs.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

He takes you for granted. On top of that, the truth is, how he acts with you is who he truly is. How he treated OW was just part of a cheap affair tactic, and part of the "high" he got from meeting someone new. Nothing more.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Really? You are suggesting that the OP compete with the affair partner? That she changes herself to be like whatever a women 30 years younger than she is like?
> 
> And this on a forum that in almost every case a BH is told to just file for divorce and that there is nothing he did that justifies his wife's affair.
> 
> And in the rare occasion that a guy does try to reconciliation, he's told on TAM that it's up the WW to do the hard work to win him back and that she was to be punished for her affair?



I'm saying, if possible, learn what made him weak in the first place and that led him to have the affair. That's what I'm getting at. The why.....

Was his wifee meeting his needs or no?

Is he HD and she is LD?

Was he into adventurous fun sex and she is just vanilla?

Why.......

Guys don't go out of their way to have an affair because they're bored and want to hurt their wives.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> I'm saying, if possible, learn what made him weak in the first place and that led him to have the affair. That's what I'm getting at. The why.....
> 
> Was his wifee meeting his needs or no?
> 
> ...


So when a woman has an affair, her husband, the BS need to try to be more like her affair partner? He needs to study the OM and learn his moves? 

Is this what you are saying?


People have affairs for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it is because they are bored and want to hurt their wife.

I agree that the two of them need to look at their marriage and fix it. I agree that she was not perfect. He was not either.

But no one has to study the OM/OW and become more like them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> I'm saying, if possible, learn what made him weak in the first place and that led him to have the affair. That's what I'm getting at. The why.....
> 
> Was his wifee meeting his needs or no?
> 
> ...


Also, what happened to the "there is no excuse for an affair."?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, if you feel that the marriage is salvageable (which it probably is) I'd suggest MC. I also agree with ElleGirl's post above as also the books that she's suggested to you.

Your H indulging himself in an emotional affair must have been very hurtful indeed, particularly as he fails to show you, his W, the attention that you deserve.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So when a woman has an affair, her husband, the BS need to try to be more like her affair partner? He needs to study the OM and learn his moves?
> 
> Is this what you are saying?
> 
> ...



There is no excuse for a hubby to have an affair or a wifee to have an affair, true. But what TAM is here for, is to learn why these affairs happened and what led up to them, so everyone can learn from this.

Too easy to just say, divorce him or her.

Not saying become like the other man or woman. I am saying, what did this other man or women do, they get to them in the first place?

Needs not being met and this other man and woman were doing them?

Now some are just bad and would do it to hurt their other halve, true. I would say that is the minority.

Too many posts of ladies not getting emotional and physical needs met and some have affairs.......many posts here of men not getting physical needs met, masturbating to porn and even having affairs.


If men were taking care of their ladies needs, many posts here gone. If ladies were taking care of their men's needs, many posts here gone.


Scenerios

- wife isn't taking care of her man's physical needs, knows this.....years go on and on.....he is weak......meets another woman who is interested and does......possible affair.

- hubby isn't taking care of his wifee's emotional and physical needs, he knows this.......years go on and on......she is weak......meets another man who is interested and does.......possible affair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> There is no excuse for a hubby to have an affair or a wifee to have an affair, true. But what TAM is here for, is to learn why these affairs happened and what led up to them, so everyone can learn from this.
> 
> Too easy to just say, divorce him or her.
> 
> ...


What has to be looked at is what are the needs of each spouse. A person does not determine why their spouse had an affair by studying the affair partner. They do it by looking at the needs of BOTH spouses and what is needed to fill those needs. Then they fill the needs. They look within the marriage, not without.



CuddleBug said:


> Too many posts of ladies not getting emotional and physical needs met and some have affairs.......many posts here of men not getting physical needs met, masturbating to porn and even having affairs.


Keep in mind that met withhold sex as often as women do. Women do not have a monopoly of making a marriage sexless. Many of the women who have affair are also not getting their physical needs met. Basically, in most cases affair happen because the WW/WH's needs have not been met for a long time. Then someone else steps in who starts to meet the WW/WH's needs that their spouse is not meeting. Of course it's just as likely that the WW/WH has also not been meeting the BS's needs. It's a vicious cycle.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Just before it goes to deep into the neglecting physical needs, just want to point out the OP husband has withheld sex from her for 9 years.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What has to be looked at is what are the needs of each spouse. A person does not determine why their spouse had an affair by studying the affair partner. They do it by looking at the needs of BOTH spouses and what is needed to fill those needs. Then they fill the needs. They look within the marriage, not without.
> 
> 
> 
> Keep in mind that met withhold sex as often as women do. Women do not have a monopoly of making a marriage sexless. Many of the women who have affair are also not getting their physical needs met. Basically, in most cases affair happen because the WW/WH's needs have not been met for a long time. Then someone else steps in who starts to meet the WW/WH's needs that their spouse is not meeting. Of course it's just as likely that the WW/WH has also not been meeting the BS's needs. It's a vicious cycle.





Yes, both their needs must be met. 5 love languages is a great start.

If she knew he was HD and nothing changed much on her part sexually for him........hmmm....

If he wasn't meeting her romance and emotional needs and nothing changed much on his part.....hmmmm.....

I've read many posts of men who have done the 180, MAPP, 5 love languages, you name it and their women just don't want sex much so no sex for the men. Many posts of that here and to be fair, some ladies do have the higher sex drives and their men are LD because of a secret addiction to porn, or affair with a co worker, etc.

Maybe here on TAM but my life experiences have taught me, its the ladies who withhold sex for an infinite amount of reasons and starve their men.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

TiggyBlue said:


> Just before it goes to deep into the neglecting physical needs, just want to point out the OP husband has withheld sex from her for 9 years.



A hubby withholding sex from his wifee for 9 years?

What caused that?

Did she have an affair prior?


I couldn't withhold sex from my wifee if I tried.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> Yes, both their needs must be met. 5 love languages is a great start.





CuddleBug said:


> If she knew he was HD and nothing changed much on her part sexually for him........hmmm....


Why do you assume that essexgirl’s (the op) husband is high drive and she withheld sex from him?

He withheld sex from her for 9 years. 



CuddleBug said:


> If he wasn't meeting her romance and emotional needs and nothing changed much on his part.....hmmmm.....


Hmmm what? He was not meeting her physical needs, nor was he meeting her emotional & romance needs. So what’s the ‘hmmm ‘ about?



CuddleBug said:


> I've read many posts of men who have done the 180, MAPP, 5 love languages, you name it and their women just don't want sex much so no sex for the men. Many posts of that here and to be fair, some ladies do have the higher sex drives and their men are LD because of a secret addiction to porn, or affair with a co worker, etc.


Yes and there are man women who jump through all kinds of hoops to try to get their husband to engage in sex with them. Men withhold sex at about the same rate as women do. Why is it hard to understand that? I think that it’s just that men talk about tit to other men more than women talk about it publically.



CuddleBug said:


> Maybe here on TAM but my life experiences have taught me, it’s the ladies who withhold sex for an infinite amount of reasons and starve their men.


How many women have you talked to you about their sex life with their husband? Very few I’m sure. Your experience is very one sided.

Women seldom talk about it because of the stereo types that they face. When a woman withholds sex from her husband it’s generally assumed that there is something wrong with her. When a man withholds sex it’s generally assumed that there is something wrong with the wife. A woman whose husband withholds sex gets little to no support and mostly criticism for not being able to keep her husband attracted to her. Why would a woman even bother to talk about to anyone besides a counselor?

Look at your point of view. You are dismissive of the idea that it’s a real issue.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> A hubby withholding sex from his wifee for 9 years?
> 
> What caused that?
> 
> ...


AS I said in by reply to you above.. yet you are making it her fault that her husband has withhold sex for 9 years. There has to be something wrong with her. could not be him, huh?

But if a man's wife withholds sex, it's his wife's fault.

Boy did I call that one...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Why do you assume that essexgirl’s (the op) husband is high drive and she withheld sex from him?

- Because men overall have the much higher sex drives.



He withheld sex from her for 9 years. 

- *Something happened that turned him off her to with hold sex for 9 years. I couldn't with hold sex for 1 month for my wifee if I tried. Something big happened. I'm interested in this.*



Hmmm what? He was not meeting her physical needs, nor was he meeting her emotional & romance needs. So what’s the ‘hmmm ‘ about?

- When men and women don't met their other halves needs, they become angry and weak, starved and TAM is born.


Yes and there are man women who jump through all kinds of hoops to try to get their husband to engage in sex with them. Men withhold sex at about the same rate as women do. Why is it hard to understand that? I think that it’s just that men talk about tit to other men more than women talk about it publically.

- Possibility. But in my life experiences, I have yet to hear, no dear, maybe tomorrow, etc. Or you got just it a few days ago. Again, you just got it once. Or no dink for you tonight.....really? I've never heard this in my life. But the ladies do this in spades.



How many women have you talked to you about their sex life with their husband? Very few I’m sure. Your experience is very one sided.

- There are two ladies of co workers in my shop that actually do have higher sex drives than their men and the men can barely keep up. It does happen.... What are you going to hear more often? My wife isn't in the mood or my hubby is never in the mood? Stereotypes come from somewhere....



Women seldom talk about it because of the stereo types that they face. When a woman withholds sex from her husband it’s generally assumed that there is something wrong with her. When a man withholds sex it’s generally assumed that there is something wrong with the wife. A woman whose husband withholds sex gets little to no support and mostly criticism for not being able to keep her husband attracted to her. Why would a woman even bother to talk about to anyone besides a counselor?

- A woman should never withhold their man's physical needs (sex) because when married, they are not their own anymore. They are to take care of their hubby's needs as their own. And this goes the other way as well.


Look at your point of view. You are dismissive of the idea that it’s a real issue.

- Why did he with hold sex for 9 years? Reason?

- *What lead him to be weak and have the affair? Reason?*


We need to hear more from the poster on this.:scratchhead:



I know for myself, if I found out Mrs.Cuddle had an affair, it would damage me and I might not want sex with her anymore. If she let herself go, morbidly obese, that would do it as well. It would take something big for me not to want sex with my wifee and I mean big.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> He withheld sex from her for 9 years.
> *
> - Something happened that turned him off her to with hold sex for 9 years. I couldn't with hold sex for 1 month for my wifee if I tried. Something big happened. I'm interested in this.
> *
> ...


I get asking, but the thought that something big happened in the relationship is a for him to reject her sexually is massive assumption. He may not be anything like you.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

TiggyBlue said:


> I get asking, but the thought that something big happened in the relationship is a for him to reject her sexually is massive assumption. He may not be anything like you.



No hubby or wifee denies their spouse sex for 9 years and doesn't see it as a big deal. It is a huge deal. Major red flag!!


I would love to here from the poster on this......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> Why do you assume that essexgirl’s (the op) husband is high drive and she withheld sex from him?
> 
> - Because men overall have the much higher sex drives.


Another assumption on your part.





CuddleBug said:


> He withheld sex from her for 9 years.


- Something happened that turned him off her to with hold sex for 9 years. I couldn't with hold sex for 1 month for my wifee if I tried. Something big happened. I'm interested in this. [/QUOTE]
It does not matter if you cannot withhold sex from your wife for 1 month. You are not her husband. 

About 20% of all marriage are sexless. Half of the time it’s the husband who is the one who decided that there will never be anymore sex or be sex less than 10 times a year.

Sure when a spouse withholds sex it’s usually because they are not happy with the marriage. This is even the case when women withhold sex. 
But in a marriage it can only be fixed if both parties are willing to fix things. Her husband has not been willing to fix them for 9 years.



CuddleBug said:


> Hmmm what? He was not meeting her physical needs, nor was he meeting her emotional & romance needs. So what’s the ‘hmmm ‘ about?
> 
> - When men and women don't met their other halves needs, they become angry and weak, starved and TAM is born.


Yes, sometimes affairs happen because the BS was not meeting the WS’s needs. Usually the WS was also not meeting the BS’s needs. 




CuddleBug said:


> Yes and there are man women who jump through all kinds of hoops to try to get their husband to engage in sex with them. Men withhold sex at about the same rate as women do. Why is it hard to understand that? I think that it’s just that men talk about tit to other men more than women talk about it publically.
> 
> - Possibility. But in my life experiences, I have yet to hear, no dear, maybe tomorrow, etc. Or you got just it a few days ago. Again, you just got it once. Or no dink for you tonight.....really? I've never heard this in my life. But the ladies do this in spades.


I guess there are a lot of men who you do not know. 





CuddleBug said:


> How many women have you talked to you about their sex life with their husband? Very few I’m sure. Your experience is very one sided.
> 
> - There are two ladies of co workers in my shop that actually do have higher sex drives than their men and the men can barely keep up. It does happen.... What are you going to hear more often? My wife isn't in the mood or my hubby is never in the mood? Stereotypes come from somewhere....


Stereotypes are just that, stereotypes. They are not truths.





CuddleBug said:


> Women seldom talk about it because of the stereo types that they face. When a woman withholds sex from her husband it’s generally assumed that there is something wrong with her. When a man withholds sex it’s generally assumed that there is something wrong with the wife. A woman whose husband withholds sex gets little to no support and mostly criticism for not being able to keep her husband attracted to her. Why would a woman even bother to talk about to anyone besides a counselor?
> 
> - A woman should never withhold their man's physical needs (sex) because when married, they are not their own anymore. They are to take care of their hubby's needs as their own. And this goes the other way as well.


Yep, so the OP’s husband withheld her sexual needs for 9 years. But you want to put the blame on her.



CuddleBug said:


> Look at your point of view. You are dismissive of the idea that it’s a real issue.
> 
> - Why did he with hold sex for 9 years? Reason?
> 
> - What lead him to be weak and have the affair? Reason?



We need to hear more from the poster on this.:scratchhead:[/QUOTE]
Yep, a discussion of the marital problems is in order. She surely needs to have one with her husband and he needs to be honest with her. Then they both need to fix things.

What she does not need to do is this:



CuddleBug said:


> ...what did this other woman do that got him interested?
> 
> Dressed?
> 
> ...


That advice is so insulting to the OP that it hurts to read.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

essexgirl said:


> After finding out my husband had a "loving internet affair" about 18 months ago with a woman 30 years younger than me (we are both in our early 60's) my heart was ripped wide open when I read the romantic loving expressed by him to her....... He has said sorry and is trying to make amends, BUT when I tell him WHY can't he say and do romantic loving things with me he says he will, but nothing seems to happened. I have told him many many times how upset I am about this but its like "water off a ducks back" to him. He says he knows how hurt I was, so I would have thought that being the case he WOULD at least try!!!
> Thanks for letting me vent, but any thoughts from either men or women would be appreciated. :scratchhead:


There is a book that I think will help you a lot:

"Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It" by Bob Berkowitz 

About 20% of marriages are sexless. Men withhold sex as often as women do. It's usually a passive aggressive (angry) way to avoid being completely in the marriage. Your husband's refusal to meet your needs emotionally and with romance points passive aggressive anger as well.

When a person wants to do something they do it.

When they don't want to they don't, no matter how much they say they will.

Believe his actions, not his words.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TiggyBlue said:


> I get asking, but the thought that something big happened in the relationship is a for him to reject her sexually is massive assumption. He may not be anything like you.


I would venture to say that the OP's husband is nothing at all like CuddleBug. That's why CuddleBug does not understand that this kind of man exits and their actions come from inside them.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Women tend not to talk about it when they are in sexless marriages, because assumptions are automatically made (like Cuddlebug is making here) that it must be because of something the W is / isn't doing.

I was in a sexless 6 year marriage and, apart from professionals, was too embarrassed to talk to others about it.

From my own experience, I don't believe that men necessarily have higher sex drives than women. However, I don't automatically assume that this might not always be the case, either...


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## essexgirl (Nov 13, 2012)

Thanks for all the replies, sorry for not responding - but being in England the time difference can be an issue.

To answers some questions:
-"*Something happened that turned him off her to with hold sex for 9 years. "*

No I did not have an affair, no I am not overweight - I look good (for my age!!) He is more LD than HD and I would say my drive is higher than his. Over the years I have mostly been the one that initiates and often rejected, so I just gave up. He didn't seem to bother anymore and I just thought that as he was in his 50's perhaps it was his age - OH HOW WRONG COULD I BE!
so what he did makes it so hard to understand.

He went to MC twice !!! and totally ignored their advice. I bought the book "language of love" he hasn't read it. I got him to do the test - we are both slightly different, but he wasn't that interested in the results.

So not sure what to try next - Divorce is not an option at this stage in my life for many reasons.

Thanks to many of you for your kind words - much appreciated.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, prior to that time 9 years ago when intimacy disappeared - had he started to develop ED? If so, did he seek medical help?

If he's always been LD, it's possible that he used the ED as an excuse to cut back on intimacy completely... If this is the case, it was very cruel of him, because 'there is more than one way to skin a cat' (if you'll pardon the expression). Just because his equipment mightn't have been working, it didn't mean that all intimacy had to come to an end.

I'm also wondering if his online relationship wasn't just a bit of 'harmless' titillation to him? Something that got his juices flowing without any fear of failure? It wasn't harmless, of course, because it hurt you deeply.

If MC didn't work and divorce isn't an option for you, you might consider counseling for yourself in order to consider all your options and find a way forward.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am so very sorry for the pain. Have you and your husband talked about counseling yet? Please consider making contact with a professional even if it is a Pastor in your area. You may also consider the book _Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis_ by Dr. James Dobson. If you are a person of faith I can recommend some other services to you. Just send me a private message. In the meantime, my thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> No hubby or wifee denies their spouse sex for 9 years and doesn't see it as a big deal. It is a huge deal. Major red flag!!


It is a big deal and everyone knows that, but to blame the wife for a husband not sleeping with her is wrong and insulting. 

My husband denied me sex for a little over a year every time I tried to initiate(only wanted sex on his time). It was nothing I did "wrong". It was his own issues that caused him to do that. 



Cosmos said:


> OP, prior to that time 9 years ago when intimacy disappeared - had he started to develop ED? If so, did he seek medical help?
> 
> If he's always been LD, it's possible that he used the ED as an excuse to cut back on intimacy completely... If this is the case, it was very cruel of him, because 'there is more than one way to skin a cat' (if you'll pardon the expression). Just because his equipment mightn't have been working, it didn't mean that all intimacy had to come to an end.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I think she brought up a good point and I would also second going for counseling to get past the hurt from this experience.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I ask questions that no one seems to ask..

I play devil's advocate to an extent.

I can be a little blunt and direct.

I am asking questions from a man's perspective because I am a man and not a woman.

We are trying to learn and get the whole story and not one sided.


Now we know he is LD and even after MC, he didn't change much if at all. That answers a lot right there. A really feel for her.


Does he have low T? 

He has gone to the Doctor and got test shots?

A co-worker lost interest in sex when he hit his early 40's. Turned out the Doctor said he had low test. Now he gets test shots and wow, happy wifee.


I have never denied my wifee sex. That's cruel.


Am I blaming the poster for his lack of sexual interest in her for 9 years? No. But again, we have to understand why and she told us and now we know its him.


If my wifee liked a certain way guys dressed that really turned her on, would I do that for her. Yes.

If my wifee liked a certain type of sex, maybe toys, something different, would I do that for her? Yes.

If my wifee had fetishes and fantasies, would I do them with her? Yes.

I would not see that as demeaning or insulting to me and that I'm not enough the way I am. Just the way I am.


To me, a hubby that denies his wifee sex for many years should be single. That's cruel and disgusting on the hubbies part. He is to take care of her needs as his own and not only what he wants. He should of gone to the Doctor and got test shots from day 1 instead of staying LD and tormenting her for 9 years. He's not manning up.


Now if ladies had higher sex drives than men, like some here seem to think, no stereotypes would of come about and no posts on TAM either. Out of my few hundreds of co workers and friends, the vast majority of men complained of low sex drive wife's. Some ladies had higher sex drives than their men, true, but that is not the majority. Men have testicles that produce testosterone. Women do not. Men also get another test boost when getting an erection and orgasm, women do not. Men overall do have much higher sex drives compared to the ladies. Higher test builds more muscle, strength, aggression and sex drive.


I remember a few posts of LD hubbies. Turned out the hubbies were secretly addicted to porn, or discretely seeing a co worker, or he was over weight and insecure, or even low test levels requiring test shots.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Now if ladies had higher sex drives than men, like some here seem to think, no stereotypes would of come about and no posts on TAM either.


No one's saying that women _generally_ have higher sex drives than men. What I am saying is that many women _do_ have higher sex drives than men.

One does have to bear in mind that most men won't admit to being LD because they think it will make them look unmanly. By the same token, many women won't admit to being HD for fear of being labelled insatiable nymphos - or worse. Back in the early 80s, the first doctor I approached about my sexless marriage implied something along these lines. Thank God I had the confidence to find another doctor and pursue the matter further!

It's only comparatively recently that women have felt comfortable enough to openly discuss their sexuality, and one thing that's emerging from it is that there have been _a lot_ of misconceptions about it...

One thing we do know about stereotypes (and assumptions) is that they're very often wrong...

The OP has given us the facts. Let's try to help her rather than drive her away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

CuddleBug said:


> How's this? Get him to sign a legal agreement stating if he ever does this again, you get the entire house and he has to just leave. If he signs it, he is really sorry and trying. If he gets mad, makes excuses, he isn't really sorry.


I like it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

essexgirl said:


> Divorce is not an option at this stage in my life for many reasons.


If you're not willing to lose him, then I highly doubt he'll change.

When my husband did what yours did, (almost EXACTLY the same thing) I kicked his a$$ out the very same day.

Your husband has been proving ever since you DIDN'T kick him out that that is exactly what you should have done. His ACTIONS are what you need to look at. not his words. He isn't remorseful, not at all. Who cares WHY he did what he did?? He did it. And unless you've set up keyloggers and spyware and such, he could still be doing it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He has no reason to change because you won't leave him.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Sadly, OP, both of the above posts are true. He knows there are no consequences.


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