# Even after being with my wife for over two years I still can't get over her.



## stillinlovewithmyex (Sep 28, 2014)

I have been married for two years and have a wonderful son with my wife. I love my wife and my son with as much as I have to give but there is always this nagging thought about one of my ex's. It has been almost 8 years since we were together but I still think about her every day. I do not feel like I can ever give my wife all of me unless I know that my ex does not feel the same way. I do not know what I should do. I want to contact her but I can't bring myself to do it for fear that she will tell me that she can't get over me either. At that point I will not know what to do, I don't know if I can stay in this marriage if I know she still wants me. 

My wife knows something is wrong but she doesn't know what. I can't tell her because she is extremely sensitive about anything that has to do with my exes. Other than that one hold back we have very few issues other than money related things. 

Please somebody help me. I feel like I am dying inside a little everyday with this weight that I carry around.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you thought about individual counseling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And how many "exes" do you have?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stillinlovewithmyex (Sep 28, 2014)

PBear said:


> Have you thought about individual counseling?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have talked to her about it but we can't really afford it. We survive on a shoestring budget and can't really make any allowances for anything extra.



PBear said:


> And how many "exes" do you have?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have had a total of 7 relationships out of those 5 were sexual. That is not including my wife and I have only been married once.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

A divorce or separation are a lot more expensive than counseling. Have you looked into free options? Were you aware you still had feelings for your ex when you married your wife?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You've likely built a little rainbow and unicorn land around your ex, but in reality if you'd stayed with her she'd be as big of a pita as anyone else. Get some counseling now, your wife doesn't deserve this and you're going to wreck your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stillinlovewithmyex (Sep 28, 2014)

PBear said:


> A divorce or separation are a lot more expensive than counseling. Have you looked into free options? Were you aware you still had feelings for your ex when you married your wife?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There are free counselors? As for my feelings about my ex, I have always wondered about us but it was never something to big. It has just been a feeling that has just kept growing and becoming more nagging.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

This is immaturity. You are saying you would leave for this other person of you need to know they do not feel the same about you.

Why did you get married then?

What part of your life are you dissatisfied with that is driving you back to fantasy land with an old girlfriend? Fix it. No relationship from the past is going to save you from whatever is bothering you today. In fact, the only thing it would do is make you less trustworthy and less honorable.


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## stillinlovewithmyex (Sep 28, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> You've likely built a little rainbow and unicorn land around your ex, but in reality if you'd stayed with her she'd be as big of a pita as anyone else. Get some counseling now, your wife doesn't deserve this and you're going to wreck your marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are right to a certain degree, but on the same note I am very happy with my wife and we have a great marriage other than her issues with my past and the issues with money. At the same time me and my ex were together for longer than me and my wife have been together and we never had any issues. I know if we ever did get together it would be different because money would now be an issue. The only reason we ever called it quits was because of religious differences in raising our future children. I have since converted to the same religion, I was just being rebellious towards religion when we were together and it cost me the relationship. 

I know a bird in the hand is worth ten in the bush but when you are gambling with your whole life I do not know if it the right philosophy to use.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Regarding free counselors, some churches offer it.


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## stillinlovewithmyex (Sep 28, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> This is immaturity. You are saying you would leave for this other person of you need tip know they do not feel the same about you.
> 
> Why did you get married then?
> 
> What part of your life are you dissatisfied with that is driving you back to fantasy land with an old girlfriend? Fix it. No relationship from the past is going to save you from whatever is bothering you today. In fact, the only thing it would do is make you less trustworthy and less honorable.


The honest reason I got married is because I thought I had found the person who I was supposed to spend my life with but no matter how great she is for me I am not sure this is actually correct anymore. 

The only problem I have with my marriage is that my wife does not talk to me much. We used to talk for hours and now we might only spend 10 minutes a day talking to each other. I have talked to her about it but she does not see it as a problem.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Why is your ex your ex?


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## stillinlovewithmyex (Sep 28, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Why is your ex your ex?


Because we had religious differences. When we were together she was a devout christian and I was an atheist. We had different views on how we wanted to raise our future children so we decided it would be best to go our own ways. But as I have gotten older I realized that my religious views were me fighting my families view on what I should be and have since had a change of heart.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well if that's how you feel divorce your wife and look up your ex. Your wife deserves someone 100% devoted to her without a third party, because all the energy you put into fantasicizing about your ex is energy you don't put into your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I really think your problem is that you are using fantasy to escape real problems that are in front of you. You had a relationship with your ex that you miss and you are telling yourself that the ONLY problem you had was religion but I suspect you are viewing things through rose colored glasses because that's what you need for your fantasy escape to be effective. If you were to look at the reality you'd see that even if it were true you could not go back to her and have it all wonderful. You have a child with another woman. She will always be in your life. Many women can't handle ex wives existing let alone having to interact with them because they are the mother of their husband's child. You'd still have money problems. Her trust in you would be diminished because you left your wife for her, and of course there is the question of why ask of the sudden do you want her back when you had years before that you did nothing.

The fantasy is an escape but it is a very dangerous one. It cannot do anything but bring destruction to you.

Pray to God for help and redirect your thoughts. Do not give this thought any of your time. Do not dwell on it or follow it. Tell yourself the truth about the situation.

Question. Why doesnt your wife talk to you any longer? Did you do something that closed her to you? Are you a responsible person or do you flee into fantasy in other ways as well. I'm thinking video games or drinking. 

Is she afraid to talk to you? Do you have a temper poor belittle her? 

Do you help with the child? It is hard to be a mom.

Does she work? 

How is your sex life?

give us a read on your marital health.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

stillinlovewithmyex said:


> As for my feelings about my ex, I have always wondered about us but *it was never something to big.* It has just been a feeling that has just kept growing and becoming more nagging.


Well there you go. According to you, "It was never something too big." This is all just unicorns and fantasies in your mind. Let it go. Concentrate on your flesh and blood WIFE and stop dreaming up fantasy-relationships from your past.

Odds are, your old girlfriend wouldn't want you back anyway.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

stillinlovewithmyex said:


> It has been almost 8 years since we were together but I still think about her every day. I do not feel like I can ever give my wife all of me *unless I know that my ex does not feel the same way.*


Trust me, the ex DOESN'T feel the same way or she would have been in touch long ago.


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## stillinlovewithmyex (Sep 28, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> I really think your problem is that you are using fantasy to escape real problems that are in front of you. You had a relationship with your ex that you miss and you are telling yourself that the ONLY problem you had was religion but I suspect you are viewing things through rose colored glasses because that's what you need for your fantasy escape to be effective. If you were to look at the reality you'd see that even if it were true you could not go back to her and have it all wonderful. You have a child with another woman. She will always be in your life. Many women can't handle ex wives existing let alone having to interact with them because they are the mother of their husband's child. You'd still have money problems. Her trust in you would be diminished because you left your wife for her, and of course there is the question of why ask of the sudden do you want her back when you had years before that you did nothing.
> 
> The fantasy is an escape but it is a very dangerous one. It cannot do anything but bring destruction to you.
> 
> ...


I do help with our son but because of the hours I am working trying to rebuild my career it makes it hard for me to help much.

She is starting a job next week.

Our sex life is great. We fulfill each other fantasies and have sex at least once a day.

But I need to go into more of our history. When we met I was still friends with a couple of my exes (not the one this topic is about) and talked to them after we were together. I also talked about my past sexual relationships way to much, not sure why but I think it has to do with me being nervous with her because of how fast I was falling. That has caused some major issues in our marriage including her not talking to me much. She thinks my past sexual history is disgusting and will not perform oral on me because of it. But it irritates that she is so repulsed by my past because she has as many partners as I do. 

That caused a ton of problems at the beginning but most of them have been moved past now. But the no oral and not talking are still around. She has told me that she will never be able to fully get over it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

stillinlovewithmyex said:


> But the no oral and not talking are still around. She has told me that she will never be able to fully get over it.


She needs counseling, pronto. Her attitude makes no sense.


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## stillinlovewithmyex (Sep 28, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Trust me, the ex DOESN'T feel the same way or she would have been in touch long ago.


The thing is me and her were in contact up until about a year before me and my wife met. We had discussed getting back together but she was in college and had moved several hundred miles away. So we decided it was not the best thing at the time. Then we stopped talking because a boyfriend was controlling and cut her off from most of her friends. By the time she had finished college (and broke up with the boyfriend) I had already met my wife and I was never able to discuss things with her. So it just left us with this open book that was never properly closed and I think that is what is causing so many of these feelings. We had a nearly perfect relationship and never got to close the door for sure.


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## stillinlovewithmyex (Sep 28, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> She needs counseling, pronto. Her attitude makes no sense.


You try telling her that. Her mother has even offered to pay for her counseling. But she does not think she needs it. She says that if I wouldn't have had sex with the people I did then I would not have messed things up between us.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Listen, you lost the right to talk to that other woman the day you said I Do so knock it off. Just stop. Nobody is going to feel sorry for you.

And you screwed up, she is hurt, and you say it was resolved? Not even close. What else did you do? You seem like a selfish boy rather than a man. You really are the kind of guy that cheats based on your past behavior and your selfishness. The walk down memory lane is just the beginning.

Why do you have to rebuild your career?

She is angry for a lot more than your past sexual behavior. She is angry for your behavior on HER time. You screwed up big time while married to her. 

You need marriage counseling, not individual therapy. I'm afraid ic might convince you that your wife is the problem when she is just reacting to a lot of hurt.

It is time to grow up and become a man. Examine how you hurt her and do NOT downplay it by comparing the number of partners she had to your number. That's childish. Listen to her. Feel her pain. Understand that you caused it and make an appointment with a licensed therapist that has experience in couples counseling where the man is immature.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You have a nearly perfect relationship where you're pining for your ex wife, and you and your current wife only talk for 10 minutes a day?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stillinlovewithmyex (Sep 28, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Listen, you lost the right to talk to that other woman the day you said I Do so knock it off. Just stop. Nobody is going to feel sorry for you.
> 
> And you screwed up, she is hurt, and you say it was resolved? Not even close. What else did you do? You seem like a selfish boy rather than a man. You really are the kind of guy that cheats based on your past behavior and your selfishness. The walk down memory lane is just the beginning.
> 
> ...


I would never cheat, I have not cheated in any of my relationships. The way I feel is wrong but I do not know how to stop it. Is not mature enough for marriage but I was overwhelmed with how I felt and jumped into things to quick. I am still in the process of maturing now. I do not compare our numbers out loud that is just a personal thought. It is hard not to get angry back though when something you regret doing is put in front of you every time things get bad. 

As for my career, one of my exes was abusing her child and got caught when someone found the bruises. She then blamed it on me and I got charged. I have been trying to recover from that for a while now. I now have a record and spent three years on probation and about ten hand in debt because of that. 

II do want to go to couple therapy but she has no interest in it. She does not think it works out that we need it. She is angry about my part and what I have done since we got together, she told me that exactly. Her reasoning is that she had reasons to do what she did but I didn't. She is also angry because I lost my virginity younger than her. 

I am not here for anyone to feel sorry for me, I am here for help on what to do to fix this issue whatever the outcome may be.


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## stillinlovewithmyex (Sep 28, 2014)

PBear said:


> You have a nearly perfect relationship where you're pining for your ex wife, and you and your current wife only talk for 10 minutes a day?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ya I regretted posting that after I did it. It always seems good until I really start examining it, then I start seeing how bad things are. But she is not my ex wife just an ex girlfriend. I have only been married this once.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You are a selfish man. A very selfish man.

Proceed as you wish. Your wife and your son (specially him) deserve better.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

stillinlovewithmyex said:


> I do help with our son but because of the hours I am working trying to rebuild my career it makes it hard for me to help much.
> 
> She is starting a job next week.
> 
> ...


Incessant talking about exes is very damaging, I know because my husband did this. It suggests insecurity, immaturity, and a need to have the high ground there by demonstrating how incredibly experienced you are and as such how you're a much better catch then you spouse is. Implied in this is how your wife better make sure she measures up to these exes, which is probably part of the reason you don't get oral. It also says you think about your exes a lot, which is a huge turnoff, and in your case is clearly true. I can tell you it's not easy to get over, and I can also tell you that you're not present in your marriage while you're fantasizing about your ex. Yet your wife should still enthusiastically give you oral and whatever else you want, knowing full well you're still fantasizing about your exes, and if you think she has no idea you're wrong. Get help NOW to learn to appreciate what you have or let her go find someone that will fully appreciate her. And if you tell your wife you're still hung up on this ex it will destroy your marriage and any trust or feelings your wife has for you.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I dont think she I'd angry that you lost your virginity earlier than she did.

Go to MC yourself and tell the whole story. Everything.

You brought a world of hurt into her life and she is naturally angry. 

If you acted like that when you were in love she must have serious doubts how you would behave in a less than love state. And she is right. You choose to pine away for some fantasy because your current life is difficult.

Trust me, you have the characteristics of a cheater. If you don't want to go there then do everything you can to fix yourself.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This has nothing whatsoever to do with love and feelings for your ex.

It is a psychological defect you have where you feel a need for attention and to get it need to ruin alot of people's lives.

What you should do first is have a vasectomy. You have no right to destroy the lives of children who have not choices.

Your second step should be individual counseling. Stop making excuses.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Most of the insurance plans now covers mental health, including individual therapy (they usually do not cover marital therapy) .

Check wiht your plan, it may just be the cost of your co0pay.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

There is nothing wrong about thinking of your ex or have feelings for her.

The way to forget and move on is to accept that she comes often in your thoughts. 

Say this to yourself : " I'm thinking of her... Ok. It's just a thought/feeling. Nothing more."

Then move on with life: Think what you want to do today that contributes happiness to you and family.
.
.
All relationships have flaws, all women have flaws. 

And, feelings are just that--feelings. They come and go. Nothing more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Feelings n thoughts are just that. Nothing more. They are like dandelions passing by in the wind; a lightning of a second. They have no weight. Just let them pass by, acknowledge it and guess what?!
.
You really don't have to do anything about it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Another vanished poster who didn't like what he was hearing? Hope not. This one is fixable.


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## stillinlovewithmyex (Sep 28, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> Another vanished poster who didn't like what he was hearing? Hope not. This one is fixable.


Nope I'm still here. I just have had a very busy last few days. Thankfully business is picking up well. I've been reading though.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

That makes me happy.

So what do you think?


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