# Sister-in-law living with us



## SAHFM

I'm having a difficult time lately, and I need guidance. I am 22 weeks pregnant, and would really enjoy some one-on-one attention from my husband. We haven't had that in the past three months, due to his sister living with us while she looks for a job. I take that back - we did go out for dinner on Valentine's and our anniversary - other than that, there is always the third wheel. She attacks him with questions and talks about her day as soon as he walks in the door and pretty much is by his side until we go to bed. At that point, he is tired and just wants to read. He tries to include me by asking what I want to do, but I know it really means "what do you want the three of us to do?" I have TRIED many times to tell him it would be nice and appreciated if he would plan a day each week for us to get away or even a weekend but it is falling on deaf ears. I'm seriously considering going away for a week or two just to get out of this house but he says "running away is not the answer." 

Anyone else in the same boat or understand what I'm going through? I'm tired of crying and I worry about being a single parent if this continues.....


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## *LittleDeer*

Your husband needs to set some good boundaries. Alone time is crucial. 
When your husband gets home after he's had a little down time he could tell her you are going for a romantic walk. Also even though its not usually recommended why don't you two watch television in bed after dinner. So you can be alone. 

I would insist he steps up and enforces boundaries. You are both being kind letting her stay but need your own couples space too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

To keep the love and passion in your marriage, a couple needs to spend at least 15 hours a week together doing things, just the two of you.

Do not wait for him to plan things. You can plan them, then let him know that he has a date with you.

Does your SIL have any friends? If not she needs to make some and start going out to do things so that the two of you can have time together.

Why not talk to her about her building her social life? It would help both of you. There is a good web site that has things she can do.. Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup look up your location. It's not a dating site. Take a look, get her interested, get her active and out of your house as much as possible.


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## Cosmos

How much longer is SIL going to be living with you? At 3 months, including her in everything as though she were a guest shouldn't apply, IMO. Time for you and your H to have the alone time that every couple needs, and I would initiate this on a regular basis - even if it means you both going out for a walk or coffee after dinner.

It sounds to me like your SIL isn't sensing any boundaries and feels free to monopolize her brother whenever he's at home. Time to make her feel a little less comfortable, perhaps, by your H enforcing some boundaries. 

I lived with my sister and BIL for a while, and the boundaries were pretty clear to me. When my sister came home from work, it was obvious that my BIL wanted her undivided attention in the evening, so I made myself scarce after dinner - even if it meant reading in my bedroom.


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## Wiltshireman

OP,

You and your husband deserve some quality time "Mum & Dad" time.

If you make a habit of making time just for each other now it will stand you in good stead when your baby arrives.

If your SIL has not picked up on any "subtle hints" you may have dropped about her needing to give you two space then either you or your husband should sit down and talk to her calmly about it. I feel it could help to have the "house rules" in place so that if your SIL is still with you in 4 months or so when the baby arrives she can be there to help you but know not to try and take over.

We did have my BIL live with us for 6 months when we only had our girls and that was hard (he had emotional / substance problems) but the imminent arrival of our 3rd child gave him the incentive he needed to get his own life back on track.


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## Wiserforit

SAHFM said:


> I have TRIED many times to tell him it would be nice and appreciated if he would plan a day each week for us to get away or even a weekend but it is falling on deaf ears. I'm seriously considering going away for a week or two just to get out of this house but he says "running away is not the answer."
> ..


I would give him the conditions and a deadline, while preparing to move back in with my mother and father. Not a break. Moving. 

Otherwise, be prepared for being a doormat for the rest of your marriage.


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## Anon Pink

My sister lives with us.But when she moved in, we had already been parents for quite some time. As everyone mentioned already... Boundaries...

Dinner is family time. Once the kitchen is clean, you sister is law needs to give you two your space. Explain that to her. "We need space and time each day to be a couple. After dinner we are going to hang out in our bedroom, usually." After a week or so of you and H escaping to your bedroom, she will have found a new routine in which she understands she is on her own for company.

In our home our bedroom and our living room are couple space. if we sit in the kitchen or family room it is open space. Sometimes we watch a movie in our bedroom, other times we use the family room and my sister is invited to watch with us, unspoken.

Make sure she has her own TV in her room or this arrangement won't work at all. We also have the best TV in our bedroom on purpose so that neither of us feel seeking private time means suffering with the small TV <- My H does like his TV!

It can work but YOU have to communicate.


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## Woodchuck

Early in our marriage, my brother in law, and sister in law lived with us at different times. The SIL for a year or so and the BIL for about 6 years. He stayed even after graduating HS. It was somewhat problematic, especially the extra work for my wife. He finally went into the Navy......

Now my father has been with us for over a year. He is 96 and unable to take care of himself. The wife has begun resenting the intrusion. He sits in a recliner all day watching westerns on the big screen. She says she has taken over our living room, and that is for the most part true. I feel it is my duty to take care of him, and she knows we will get all new furniture for the house, and when he is finally gone we will have a really nice place. I bought a 60" TV for the master BR so we can escape there for down time. She is a homebody, and just resents having to clean around him, and not have her whole home available....She has always loved him, and he has always been generous to us, so I think she can endure...

I also find it a burden, I fix his meals, cut his meat, get him showered, take him to medical appointments, handle his finances, and taxes, and in general keep him happy.

He helps out by giving us $1000 a month to cover his expences and care...


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## unbelievable

Anon, What an outstanding plan! It's not mean at all, no hinting, no resentments, just stating the rules of the game up front so everyone knows where they are supposed to be. No need for arguments. Couples have to have couple time and I think any rational person can understand that. People who aren't in a relationship might need to be reminded, but who could argue with that concept? You're married! Of course you need to have a little alone time with your mate.


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## unbelievable

Woodchuck, It speaks very well of you and your wife that you are taking care of your father. My grandmother is 94 and though she's relatively healthy and nobody on earth is sweeter, taking care of her in exhausting. I suppose we all were exhausting to our parents when we were babies, too. I find it very sad to visit nursing homes and talk to some of the residents who have absolutely no family or friend on this earth that ever checks on them. When I'm 96, I'd like to be in my kid's home, watching westerns on a big screen TV, surrounded by people I love, a little dog in my lap and maybe some greatgrandkids I could tell boring old war stories to. That's the way to leave this world.


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## Hicks

I would go stay with your mother, and tell your husband when he is ready to be your husband you will gladly return.


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