# 10 y/o daughter insecure about us (parents)



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

My recently-turned-10 year old daughter is showing obvious signs that she's concerned about me and her mom splitting up again. I'm not sure how to handle it. She regularly says things to me like I need to "get another wedding ring" (I lost mine in a move 3 years ago; unintentionally). And when they came home from a week long visit to the in-laws, she ran to me and hugged me and then said "Aren't you going to hug mom?" In church she used to grab our hands and put them together.

I understand how she must feel and I'm sure it's normal. But she's always been kind of insecure...for instance she's always worried about keeping our home locked up, garage door closed, etc. She asks me questions about bad people coming to our n'hood (we live in a very safe area). We've had a lot of those political calls recently and she's learned (from watching me) to pick up the phone and just listen because it's usually a recording. Well apparently she did this on her own one day and a man on the other end said "Are you going to just sit there breathing or say something?" That scared her and she started asking me if he was going to come to our house now because he was mad that she did that.

Part of the problem is my stbx has been sleeping with her every night for at least 5 years. She used to go back and forth between bedrooms all night but in the past year, she just sleeps with her all night. I've tried to get her to stop to no avail.

So my question is....what do I say to my daughter? In all likliehood, I will be leaving again, this time for good and filing divorce. I don't want to mislead her but what do you say when she says "Dad, don't you love mom?"

Thanks.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Tell her the truth and remind her it's not her fault. She can't fix grown up problems. I think your daughter already suspects and her insecurity is coming from the fact that nobody is acknowledging the very large elephant in the room. KWIM?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Beach guy, just asking you this, not in an accusing manner or anything, but is there a possiblity your daughter is watching shows/movies that are too mature for her? My friend has a daughter about your kids age, and she was always watching the news on CNN, and one day her daughter bursted into tears asking if they would be homeless. Something was on about the pay freeze for the military, and she was watching it with her mom. Sometimes its those things we don't think of. Just curious, probably not it, but why not mention it lol.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I have a 11 yr old daughter who has aspergers. She believes and says crazy things as well. Me and her dad did have a seperation last year with an intent to divorce. Me and her dad ended up not divorcing, but later lost our house after my husband lost his job. Then we moved in with the inlaws and my husband is working in anohter state. My daughter does watch too much TV I think here living with the inlaws. My FIL told me that my daughter had asked him if mommy and daddy get a divorce is he still going to be her papa. I'm not sure what lead to her asking this question or if she was just confused because now daddy is not home again and last time she was told that we were getting a divorce. 

At the time or our seepration with divorce proceeedings, I did tell the kids that mommy and daddy were gettign a divorce and daddy would not be living at home anymore. 

There are several books out there about talking to children about paretns divorcing, maybe you might pick some of them up


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

DawnD said:


> Beach guy, just asking you this, not in an accusing manner or anything, but is there a possiblity your daughter is watching shows/movies that are too mature for her? My friend has a daughter about your kids age, and she was always watching the news on CNN, and one day her daughter bursted into tears asking if they would be homeless. Something was on about the pay freeze for the military, and she was watching it with her mom. Sometimes its those things we don't think of. Just curious, probably not it, but why not mention it lol.


She does catch things off of tv. She has the best hearing of any human being I've ever met. I can whisper something 3 rooms away and she'll say "I heard that!!" So it's next to impossible for me to watch anything adult related (news, history channel, etc) w/o her hearing bits and pieces.

Was never a problem with my first daughter. But this one seems hyper-sensitive to it. I'm guessing it's because I moved out for seveal months when she was just 8 years old. Somehow I knew it was my fault.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Beachguy -- a couple of ideas. First, does your insurance cover family therapy? Is so, I would encourage you to let your child talk with a neutral party to work through her feelings. It would be great if 10 year olds had the emotional wherewithal to look at a situation and say "well, if that's what makes Dad happy then I should let him do (whatever it is)" but, of course, kids want other people to act in a way that makes them happy. in addition, one of the the things that kids your daughters age typically wrestle with is the realization that life isn't fair, that bad guys don't always get punished, and good guys don't always get rewarded for their efforts. So... having someone that your daughter can talk to might help her feel like she has more control over her life.

My other suggestion is to remember that kids do have questions about their parents and do want to talk, but that they pretty limited social skills. That means that it often works best to have a series of short conversations. And, while adults sometimes talk best when we are making eye contact and can really read the other person's body language, that that intensity can overwhelm children. So, your best bets for conversation with your daughter might be when you are doing something else -- driving her in the car (you can't make much eye contact when you are the driver!), walking the dog together, training for a 5k together, learning how to canoe or rock climb or whatever -- or as a brief (2 to 3 sentence exchange) during a much longer conversation. One of my friends takes each of his sons out for brunch once a month -- and has done so for nearly 15 years. He says that this tradition helped his family work through some challenges (one of his sons is dyslexic and really struggled with self worth during middle and high school).


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