# Will the feeing you’re no longer enough ever go away after a betrayal by a spouse ?



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

I am not normally a person lacking self esteem. I’ve always been confident . After my husbands emotional betrayal , I find myself feeling less than .
I feel like I am not enough that is why he betrayed me . I feel like I’m the cause of this even though o know I’m not . 
how can you move past these negative feelings . I am speaking with a therapist and it somewhat helps but I just can’t stop feeling sorry for myself and I am hating this ! 
move never made myself the victim in any circumstance , why is it now that I feel so much less of myself and inadequate to keep my husband at bay .
I’m making myself miserable , but I can’t get past anything but feeling bad right now .
I’m trying to do positive things like working out and making myself look my best and still I am left with this hallow feeling of betrayal and pain or rejection.
Does it get better ??


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

The following still applies.



Personal said:


> If you’re looking for another reason to divorce him, you don’t need it.
> 
> If you don’t believe he is honest with you, and you are unable to trust him going forward, why carry on with him?
> 
> The truth is to carry on moving forward with him, you have to accept what he has done. If you cannot accept it, staying with him will be nothing more than self flagellation.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Personal said:


> The following still applies.


No I realize I need to accept it.. the issue is that I’m feeling this horrible seen be of unworthiness.. insecurity and plain misery.
I can script that what has happened happened… how do I move myself on from the feeling of being abandoned by my spouse and my endless comparisons to other women?? It’s insane I know but I’m left broken and insecure?? Why am I letting this happen????


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

You could divorce him.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

You’re sense of worth is an internal issue, it shouldn’t be dependent upon what you fear he thinks of you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are not the problem. He’s an unfaithful person. You can’t be a chump unless you allow it.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Savannah01 said:


> No I realize I need to accept it.. the issue is that I’m feeling this horrible seen be of unworthiness.. insecurity and plain misery.
> I can script that what has happened happened… how do I move myself on from the feeling of being abandoned by my spouse and my endless comparisons to other women?? It’s insane I know but I’m left broken and insecure?? Why am I letting this happen????


You need to accept that you may never be able to accept that what happened doesn't reflect upon you. There will be so many ways you will torture yourself over this, believing it may have somehow been your fault, that you weren't worthy or good enough for him. The damage done to your self-esteem may not be repairable within the relationship.

You need help from an individual counselor to figure out what's best for you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Savannah01 said:


> Does it get better ??


Yes, but it doesn't go away. In fact, until you ditch the bozo, it might not get better, either.



Savannah01 said:


> Why am I letting this happen????


Because something in his rejection agrees with your time-formulated opinion of yourself, through your past experiences. There was another person, or set of people, who rejected you before your husband did. You are living out your "self-truth". You are, like Dr. Phil describes, creating the results you think you deserve. You need some better sources from whom you can get your truth.

Working on yourself, being the best you can be. Eliminate people who tear you down from your life COMPLETELY...... you have a toxic husband who you need to kick to the curb. Figure out who the other toxic influences have been, and kick them to the curb, too. Find people who edify, strengthen your self-worth. Stay with them.

I echo what @Casual Observer said about an individual counselor. Start by finding out WHY you picked him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Once you are free of this man you will begin to feel better as you heal. It takes time.


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## Fly With Me (Jul 11, 2021)

Yes provided you take the opportunity to learn how to source that sense of enoughness from within you rather than looking to others for it. 

It's work you need to do within yourself independent of any decision about your husband. Maybe learn a bit about codependence and attachment styles these videos by Thais Gibson are really helpful https://m.youtube.com/channel/UCHQ4lSaKRap5HyrpitrTOhQ/videos

Or listen to some of these podcasts by Margaret Paul on inner bonding https://open.spotify.com/show/6m1jI1jTxTd4oVV4ftIKpJ

I found them really helpful when working on my 'not enoughness' . And each one is only 10-20 minutes long.

It's hard and it's a journey. Be kind to yourself.

All the best.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

you Could’ve been Jenifer Anniston or Gwenith Paltrow and he still would’ve cheated. 

In fact many of those Hollywood hotties have been cheating on because cheater is about the heart and character of the cheater and not the attractiveness or worth of the betrayed.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Everyone is different so how they react is different. Those feelings are often lessened when you divorce instead of reconcile (I reconciled the first time and divorced the second time) because when you divorce you feel that you’re taking your power back. But when you reconcile, a part of you feels that you’re rewarding their behavior by staying — on balance they lose nothing of real importance and you lose absolutely everything you thought you had. Complete devastation. At least that’s how I felt when I reconciled. Your situation is very new. It takes years to come to terms with for most. Talking to a therapist might help you but it’ll depend on the therapist and you may need to try more than one to find someone who benefits you. It’s a long process and it’s full of ups and downs. Time is the only thing that really helps.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Savannah01 said:


> I am not normally a person lacking self esteem. I’ve always been confident . After my husbands emotional betrayal , I find myself feeling less than .
> I feel like I am not enough that is why he betrayed me . I feel like I’m the cause of this even though o know I’m not .
> how can you move past these negative feelings . I am speaking with a therapist and it somewhat helps but I just can’t stop feeling sorry for myself and I am hating this !
> move never made myself the victim in any circumstance , why is it now that I feel so much less of myself and inadequate to keep my husband at bay .
> ...


I understand exactly how you feel...I go through similar feelings about my STBX and what happened between us, and I struggle with the "if only's" -- IF ONLY I was sexy...IF ONLY I knew what he wanted...IF ONLY I was better or more exciting...IF ONLY I did things differently...and on and on the spiral goes. I have overcome that for the most part, but the feelings and doubts are still there, especially if I entertain them at all.

I think you need to realize that it's not YOU that caused the betrayal, and that if he were now with whoever it was that caught his attention instead of you, he would be doing the same thing to HER now. Because the motivation for his actions is IN HIM, it's not about you at all. HE has an emptiness inside that he doesn't know how to fill, and so he was gratifying his superficial whims to chase a feeling that made him forget that emptiness for a few minutes.

It's NOT about you, it's about him.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

<rummaging around in the closet> Ah, there it is. My old usenet flame suit. Wonder if it still fits?

Caveat: I have not followed your thread specifically. 

There is the time before the affair, and the time after. Anything that you did in the time before the affair that may have led to dysfunction in your marriage is of course yours to own. Do you believe that you played a part in making your spouse unhappy? Was there a need that went unfulfilled that you did not address? Did you play any role in setting up an unhappy marriage? And no, this is not blaming the victim. I am not absolving your husband of his actions. 

If the answer is truly no, then you have nothing further to consider. You're not responsible for fixing that which is not in your control. Guilt for that is simply destructive.

If the answer is yes, then perhaps your feelings are rooted in some small part in reality. Guilt in that case is instructive and should motivate you to work on it.

I do not know which is the case, but you do.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Casual Observer said:


> You need to accept that you may never be able to accept that what happened doesn't reflect upon you. There will be so many ways you will torture yourself over this, believing it may have somehow been your fault, that you weren't worthy or good enough for him. The damage done to your self-esteem may not be repairable within the relationship.
> 
> You need help from an individual counselor to figure out what's best for you.


Yes I am speaking with a counselor myself at the moment trying to cope with this feeling . I hate that it comes and goes in waves and most of the time I just don’t feel like I’m me anymore … I used to be a very secure person , I never cared what people thought of me , I did what I did and I stood by that … I never compared myself to other women until now . It’s a painful torture I can’t seem to get rid of


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Cletus said:


> <rummaging around in the closet> Ah, there it is. My old usenet flame suit. Wonder if it still fits?
> 
> Caveat: I have not followed your thread specifically.
> 
> ...


In a way yes I was for a better part of a year inactive with him . I was ill for a year and was consumed daily by barely making it to walk upstairs . I am much better now and I certainly don’t feel as I did when I was ill . But he did say I did not pay attention to him and I lost interest in sex .. I didn’t think I needed to explain this to him , but I guess he doesn’t see how a sick person operates their daily life .
For the most part I was sick he never really held me to feel better , or als how I was , it was as if I was a burden to him being sick . I didn’t want to go out because I was always exhausted.. and instead of understanding and support , I guess he looked elsewhere for that emotional support.
min reality I know I shouldn’t blame myself but you know you see the type of women he’s wanting attention from and you can’t help it …


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I understand exactly how you feel...I go through similar feelings about my STBX and what happened between us, and I struggle with the "if only's" -- IF ONLY I was sexy...IF ONLY I knew what he wanted...IF ONLY I was better or more exciting...IF ONLY I did things differently...and on and on the spiral goes. I have overcome that for the most part, but the feelings and doubts are still there, especially if I entertain them at all.
> 
> I think you need to realize that it's not YOU that caused the betrayal, and that if he were now with whoever it was that caught his attention instead of you, he would be doing the same thing to HER now. Because the motivation for his actions is IN HIM, it's not about you at all. HE has an emptiness inside that he doesn't know how to fill, and so he was gratifying his superficial whims to chase a feeling that made him forget that emptiness for a few minutes.
> 
> It's NOT about you, it's about him.


I know the thing is that I do understand that it wasn’t my fault, but I just can’t shake that insecurity that is now plaguing my brain every moment I can. I try to think of other things when he comes along and try to rethink something more positive and in some days I succeed and some days I’m in tears.
He still tells me to this day that it wasn’t about the other person and any physical attributes they had it was that he was seeking attention from someone else and I wasn’t giving it to him. It doesn’t even matter the point is that these women that he found interesting are also women that look nothing like me they are women that bought their boobs there are women that got the tummy tucks, they are women whose social media is nothing but bikinis in cleavages , How can I take that as if it’s not insulting to me I think that’s what it is. Deep down I’m insulted at the fact that these are the types of women he’s looking at he’s not even looking at someone smarter someone more successful he’s looking innately at physical attributes and lying to me saying that he’s not looking at the shallow things about them
Had it been that he was actually really interested in a woman that was super smart and really liked her this person for her personality alone maybe I wouldn’t be so upset if it was that big of an emotional connection, it’s an emotional affair yet it’s rooted in physicality he was one step away from one of these women excepting a proposal from him and moving on to a physical one because it routes itself in physical attributes.
So here I am angry frustrated insecure and I’m trying not to be I’m trying my hardest not to be that type of woman but every time I turn around I just feel broken and shattered and in disbelief. The funny thing is the these women may have these bodies and maybe that’s what attracted him to it but they aren’t even beautiful women not to toot my own horn but I even look better than these women so I really do not Understand why he was even attracted to them or was it just the idea of it?


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Cletus said:


> <rummaging around in the closet> Ah, there it is. My old usenet flame suit. Wonder if it still fits?
> 
> Caveat: I have not followed your thread specifically.
> 
> ...


I played a part yes because for the past year I was very ill and yes I did not probably give him the attention he was seeking or the intimacy that he needed 
I was consumed by barely being able to move physically because I was feeling ill every single day I was struggling alone. He didn’t even give me any support during this year I suppose maybe because he was so consumed by his own feeling of needs and wants for himself to the point that I could feel he was feeling bothered that I was always sick.It was the hardest time in my life and my own husband wasn’t even there to comfort me and hold my hand instead he turned around and looked at other women for comfort even if it was only emotional who would do that?
I fast forward a year later I’m feeling better I have definitely gotten back to my normal self and I feeling good and this is the time that I find out that he’s done this and so instead of feeling good that I am better I’m back to feeling depressed because I feel inadequate I feel like I’m not good enough that’s why this happened, I have been played constantly by comparing myself to other women which by the way I’ve never ever done in this way.

I’m trying to look forward and not think of anything negative but every time I turn around I feel that inadequacy that he’s put on me I am going insane creeping on the other women social media looking at them and being consumed with comparing myself at every moment it’s so horrible and I just wanted to stop maybe it’s also because Also, maybe because he keeps telling me that it meant nothing and yet it’s not the most sincere type of apology you could ever get I just don’t believe what he says to me that it meant nothing when clearly it was motivated because he was physically attracted to these women nothing more because he did not know any of them personally


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Because he was only interested in their surgically enhanced bodies — it wasn’t about their faces.

What happens the next time he feels you aren’t giving him enough attention?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi Savannah,
I felt similarly after my exH's affairs (EA and PA). It was extremely hard to regain my self-confidence and self-worth until I walked away. Even so, it took months of therapy, and focus on many aspects of self-improvement before I stopped feeling like I wasn't enough. I still have moments of self-pity, then I remind myself of how far I've come since my lowest point.

I felt like a failure because I couldn't stick out the "hard times" long enough. But you know what? You can't carry a marriage alone, especially when the other half is showing point-blank they don't GAF with their disloyalty. It doesn't matter if you were the ****tiest wife before, he didn't open his mouth and voice his concerns or leave, he went outside of your marriage. 

It sounds like he's not doing anything to reassure you, but even if he were, do you trust him? What's the love of a disloyal, coward worth anyway? Have you considered he wants out but wants you to pull the plug so he doesn't look like the asshole who left his ill wife? Been there, done that, btw, so I understand how scary it is to face the unknown alone in a reduced physical capacity.

Maybe your feelings are b/c on some level, you know the truth of your H's feelings, even if you don't want to accept it yet. It's like you are fighting an uphill battle on two fronts in quicksand if you're trying to regain your self-worth confidence/esteem while trying to reconcile. 

Keep going to therapy, reconnect with yourself, find out what makes you tick! Hopefully, you'll develop the tools to understand why you accept crumbs, and why you are allowing him and his inadequacies as a person to define your worth. What's he doing that makes him good enough to consider reconciliation?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did he continue even after you were over your illness?


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

Have you read this: Not "just friends" : rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity : Glass, Shirley P : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

It has helped me about seeing things as they are and moving on. I think that sometimes those voices are in our heads.. the ones that make us feel less than. We need to find the things that make us feel good. His words and actions are no way a reflection of how wonderful you are. Believe that.. search for that .. start drawing.. singing... playing an instrument ..sewing..sports.. something.. anything that gives you joy and go from there.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Hi Savannah,
> I felt similarly after my exH's affairs (EA and PA). It was extremely hard to regain my self-confidence and self-worth until I walked away. Even so, it took months of therapy, and focus on many aspects of self-improvement before I stopped feeling like I wasn't enough. I still have moments of self-pity, then I remind myself of how far I've come since my lowest point.
> 
> I felt like a failure because I couldn't stick out the "hard times" long enough. But you know what? You can't carry a marriage alone, especially when the other half is showing point-blank they don't GAF with their disloyalty. It doesn't matter if you were the ****tiest wife before, he didn't open his mouth and voice his concerns or leave, he went outside of your marriage.
> ...


Yea this actually makes so much sense . Thanks for confirming what I already somewhat know …. I feel that sometimes he is pushing me to end it , and sometimes he’s not . I feel confused over his actions , that’s maybe he’s torn ? He says to me he isn’t wanting anyone else. It if we did divorce he would just be alone … which I know is a bunch of horse crap ! Of course he saying that ! 
he couldn’t even figure out his issues without these women , why would he remain single just because we divorced , he would act out the first chance he had with women like that ! 
I feel so disappointed, the shock of feeling like this wasn’t the manI married , never would I have guessed my husband to do this to me. He is many things but I’ve never pegged him for a cheater , even if it’s as far as I know , emotional.
The pain of feeling rejected I guess is what is the worse. I feel like I don’t look like those women so maybe somethings wrong with me ?? 
do these men know the damage they cause to their spouse ? Do they know the loss of self esteem they helped create ? 
I am trying my best to to let him get the best of me and my emotions, sometimes I win , mostly , lately I’m losing. 😓


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Did he continue even after you were over your illness?


No as far as I know he stopped — he unfollowed these women on social media but I have no real proof just his words which mean nothing obviously.
But I didn’t catch him until recently … who knows how far back it’s been going on , I did not suspect it then Because I truly trusted him. As far as I know at least before, he was never the type that I would ever suspect doing that I don’t even recognize this person he is now. I’m calling it has midlife crisis of sorts, it’s just out of character for him to have done this and sometimes lately even the way he speaks to me is out of character I don’t know anymore


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Pip’sJourney said:


> Have you read this: Not "just friends" : rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity : Glass, Shirley P : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive
> 
> It has helped me about seeing things as they are and moving on. I think that sometimes those voices are in our heads.. the ones that make us feel less than. We need to find the things that make us feel good. His words and actions are no way a reflection of how wonderful you are. Believe that.. search for that .. start drawing.. singing... playing an instrument ..sewing..sports.. something.. anything that gives you joy and go from there.


Thank you, I appreciate the motivation you’re giving because I really need it lately. I feel so broken in as much as I’m trying to MoveOn because I need to, every now and again it just hits me like a baseball bat to the face, it makes me feel inadequate, I feel like I must be a joke, if he’s looking at these women who clearly do not look like me what mercy think of me? Why am I here? Why are we doing this? He keeps telling me it’s not anything physical and lately has been reassuring me by telling me so but I’m at a point where I don’t even what to believe anything he saying not one word.
I know that someday maybe along with the therapy that I’m doing I’ll begin to forget about all this send start to feel confidence again. But I hate it this is not me I’ve never been this kind of woman and he’s reduced me to someone who feels like such a victim I’m angry that he stole that for me


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you caught him recently, was it then only past stuff that you saw? Or did it continue up to the point that you caught him? And, yes, it absolutely was physical attraction. What else would it be? He didn’t pick someone with an ugly body to follow. It’s not to his advantage to tell you the whole truth. You need 100% to look out for yourself — now and in the future.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Savannah01 said:


> Yea this actually makes so much sense . Thanks for confirming what I already somewhat know …. I feel that sometimes he is pushing me to end it , and sometimes he’s not . I feel confused over his actions , that’s maybe he’s torn ? He says to me he isn’t wanting anyone else. It if we did divorce he would just be alone … which I know is a bunch of horse crap ! Of course he saying that !
> he couldn’t even figure out his issues without these women , why would he remain single just because we divorced , he would act out the first chance he had with women like that !
> I feel so disappointed, the shock of feeling like this wasn’t the manI married , never would I have guessed my husband to do this to me. He is many things but I’ve never pegged him for a cheater , even if it’s as far as I know , emotional.
> The pain of feeling rejected I guess is what is the worse. I feel like I don’t look like those women so maybe somethings wrong with me ??
> ...


No problem, I just wanted you to know you're not alone so you don't feel alienated and defective. You've already taken positive steps forward for yourself by seeking therapy, posting here and confronting him. 

Please don't feel stupid for getting hoodwinked by someone you never thought could cheat, it's the same old story. Hopefully, you've caught him before it went further than one-sided PM. However, do you want to live on edge wondering if you know all there is to know or when he'll do it again?

How much have you discussed this or communicated about your marriage? I get the impression you're in rug-sweeping mode because you haven't mentioned at all what he is doing to fix himself or stated your intent.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Openminded said:


> If you caught him recently, was it then only past stuff that you saw? Or did it continue up to the point that you caught him? And, yes, it absolutely was physical attraction. What else would it be? He didn’t pick someone with an ugly body to follow. It’s not to his advantage to tell you the whole truth. You need 100% to look out for yourself — now and in the future.


I only recently found out about this , I don’t know about prior to it like the year I was ill .. it could have been that long ago too . I only know he’s been upset and felt not attended to that whole time . 
now that he’s caught he says those were nothing and meant nothing … ofcourse he won’t tell me the truth , I think he maybe just enjoyed the attention somebody gave .. maybe he didn’t really do anything more but the intent was there and I just happen to catch him first ! 
had I not and someone took up his flirting as an offer , knowing he did this — I 100% think he would have gone that far given the chance with the right woman .
HE made these first moves so I don’t doubt that possibility at all … he’s basically saying it was nothing to save his butt ! 
I hate that I’m reduced to this insecure shell of a woman … why am I feeling like this ???? Why am I letting my emotions over this get the best of me ?!
Why can’t I just move past feeling sorry for myself ?!


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> No problem, I just wanted you to know you're not alone so you don't feel alienated and defective. You've already taken positive steps forward for yourself by seeking therapy, posting here and confronting him.
> 
> Please don't feel stupid for getting hoodwinked by someone you never thought could cheat, it's the same old story. Hopefully, you've caught him before it went further than one-sided PM. However, do you want to live on edge wondering if you know all there is to know or when he'll do it again?
> 
> How much have you discussed this or communicated about your marriage? I get the impression you're in rug-sweeping mode because you haven't mentioned at all what he is doing to fix himself or stated your intent.


We have talked about this and with his repeated denial that it was anything more than bad judgment of messaging someone, he assures me that there’s nothing more to it other than that time. Do I believe him I don’t think so I’m trying to in the event that it is somehow the truth I’m trying to hold on to it because maybe I feel obligated to after all these years. Innoway yes I am rug sweeping that because I’m trying to be hopeful still.
Maybe at some point I’ll realize there is nothing more to sweep under and I have to face the truth about it. All I know is that I am left suspicious, defeated, paranoid, and angry.
I am on high alert mode right now watching his every move every step everywhere he goes everything he says I’m watching very carefully to see if there’s anything more I can catch it hurts to have to do this into feel like this I’m confused what to do next I still feel like it might I might be in this bubble of shock And I’m not seeing everything because of the shock and I’m just not ready to except it, that could be it as well


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheaters usually only admit to what you can prove. Keep that in mind.

And be skeptical.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Savannah01 You were ill and he did this to you? This tells me a great deal about his character.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> @Savannah01 You were ill and he did this to you? This tells me a great deal about his character.


Men like this "care" until you inconvenience them, they string you along and enjoy the comfort and security you provide until you finally stop hoping "things will change" and pull the plug.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

I've followed your story and it sucks. I'm glad you are working on yourself, keep that up. You may find later that you can't let this go. Only you can decide what you want to live with. To me the way he treated you while you were ill was in many ways worse. For me, that alone would have been a deal breaker. 

Best of luck with whatever path you choose.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Savannah01 said:


> HE made these first moves so I don’t doubt that possibility at all … he’s basically saying it was nothing to save his butt !
> I hate that I’m reduced to this insecure shell of a woman … why am I feeling like this ???? Why am I letting my emotions over this get the best of me ?!
> Why can’t I just move past feeling sorry for myself ?!


I guess I'm confused as to why you keep posting the same thing over and over. I suppose you like beating up on yourself and wailing about how you have no control over your thoughts and feelings. The thing is, you and you alone DO have control over your thoughts, feelings, and speech.

If you squarely face the reality that is your marriage, you might stop with the wailing routine. You feel like this because your husband is a rug sweeper. He is blaming YOU for the choices he made. You don't trust him. You don't believe what he is telling you. And, most of all, you resent him for crapping all over you and the marriage.

So until you are willing to face that for the hard, cold reality it is, you will remain in victim mode. Nah, you don't "hate" what you are feeling. Actually, you are denying the feelings you have and the reality of the situation. Of course, that's your choice, but you've got to actually DO SOMETHING about the situation beyond all this rending of garments and gnashing of teeth.

This is what happens when a spouse's trust in a partner is destroyed. Choices need to be made. Keep posting here, keep up the self-flagellation routine, or actually kick this man's ass to the curb. See, people who dance to another person's tune, but find it destroying them, end up like you. Consider that.

ETA: Sorry to be so harsh and blunt here, but you REALLY need to dispense with the I-can't-control-my-own-mind mantra. As I already mentioned, one of the very few things YOU CAN control are your own thoughts and feelings.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, you're not the problem. He is. He's not enough.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TXTrini said:


> Men like this "care" until you inconvenience them, they string you along and enjoy the comfort and security you provide until you finally stop hoping "things will change" and pull the plug.


I can't understand men like that. My wife and I have both had health issues over the years. We have always been there for each other.

That's what decent, normal folk do.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @Savannah01 You were ill and he did this to you? This tells me a great deal about his character.


Yes sadly … now I know too . This isn’t the man I married , in the course of the year I was il he changed into someone I don’t recognize 
The man I married would not have done this … I dot know what’s happening with him anymore


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> I can't understand men like that. My wife and I have both had health issues over the years. We have always been there for each other.
> 
> That's what decent, normal folk do.


Exactly ! I thought that since we’ve been together for over 26 years that he’s passed this , and will be there for me no matter what ! 
sadly, during my darkest days of being physically ill , I went through it all alone …every single day
While he was fantasizing over other vibrant , carefree , fake women !


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes I am speaking with a counselor myself at the moment trying to cope with this feeling . I hate that it comes and goes in waves and most of the time I just don’t feel like I’m me anymore … I used to be a very secure person , I never cared what people thought of me , I did what I did and I stood by that … I never compared myself to other women until now . It’s a painful torture I can’t seem to get rid of


Your traumatized. I'm glad you're trying to work through it in therapy because you blaming yourself for it when he's the one at fault is certainly not healthy. Probably the only thing you did wrong is give him the benefit of the doubt too many times rather than accepting that he's not the person you hoped he would be. Name is


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes sadly … now I know too . This isn’t the man I married , in the course of the year I was il he changed into someone I don’t recognize
> The man I married would not have done this … I dot know what’s happening with him anymore


In the beginning he was on his best behavior. But the longer you get to know someone that's the real person and not the one when you first met. When you first meet a lot of times it's two people hoping the other is the ideal they have in their head and acting accordingly but they don't really know each other.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Savannah01 said:


> Exactly ! I thought that since we’ve been together for over 26 years that he’s passed this , and will be there for me no matter what !
> sadly, during my darkest days of being physically ill , I went through it all alone …every single day
> While he was fantasizing over other vibrant , carefree , fake women !


You would do well to understand and apply what @Prodigal has generously written for you.

And really all this gnashing of ones teeth over what he thinks/fantasises about in his head, doesn't help you at all.

If you don't like this situation you can choose to end it. Otherwise for your own sanity if you refuse to end it, you would do well to embrace it, since choosing to carry on with him is volunteering for it.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Savannah01 said:


> I am not normally a person lacking self esteem. I’ve always been confident . After my husbands emotional betrayal , I find myself feeling less than .
> I feel like I am not enough that is why he betrayed me . I feel like I’m the cause of this even though o know I’m not .
> how can you move past these negative feelings . I am speaking with a therapist and it somewhat helps but I just can’t stop feeling sorry for myself and I am hating this !
> move never made myself the victim in any circumstance , why is it now that I feel so much less of myself and inadequate to keep my husband at bay .
> ...


maybe you’re taking the blame instead of being damn angry with him!
Get angry! HE did this to you! That’s terrible! He is your husband and is supposed to have your back no matter what… instead he completely betrayed you and stabbed you in the back!
You can’t get over it because he really hasn’t been held accountable for what he did to you.
Stop blaming yourself - he’s been a jerk to you.
Consider having him move out now… maybe then he will understand it’s his behavior that caused harm to the marriage.


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