# i know this is the mens club but i need some advice from you guys!!!



## joanne.kent (Dec 18, 2010)

ok here goes who any of you ever tell your w that you didnt love her any more and want to live in the same house with her??? but on top of that he says he doesnt care but to make me feel comfortable he wants me to cuddle with him...but its not just the arm over the body its a tight hold like he hasnt seen me in a year....he still wants to have sex but no feelings behind it cus he doesnt "love me anymore" (not im going to be blunt) but when we have sex he goes down on me....if it was just about him y would he do that????? his words do not reflect his actions except for sleeping in the spare bedroom and thats it...i still pay the bills still making dinner **** he is still smoking my ciggerettes...can i get advice from a guys point of view?


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

He is using you. He has his cake and is eating it too (pun intended  ).

He is getting free sex with no responsibility. And yes, many of us loving going down on women, it is good for us too! Kick his arse to the curb!


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## joanne.kent (Dec 18, 2010)

yea i shoulda stated that he never does that he would say to me b4 all of this happened when we were happy that he only feels comfortable doing that with me because he "loves" me but then im pretty sure he was just lying i just find it hard to believe that a man would take advantage of his own wife....


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Ok apart from his inexplicable and bizarre behavior, what about your issues?

How long have you been emotionally dependent on his power over you? The whole time? Was your last relationship like that? Have you been afraid of all the men you've had relationships? How do you get emotionally and sexually validated? Do love him but hate his neglect of you or is it the other way around? What do you love the most about yourself? What do you hate the most?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This isn't complicated. He's a jerk. He wants to live in your house cause it's cheaper or easier than getting his own place. He eats food you cook either because he's too cheap to buy his own, he can't cook as well as you, or he's too lazy to get up and feed himself. He smokes your cigarettes cause they're free. He has sex with you because you're there. He tells you he doesn't love you so you'll have no reason to complain when he has sex with someone else. Yeah, he's using you and probably will as long as you permit him to.


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## joanne.kent (Dec 18, 2010)

to b honest i wanna say with emotionaly dependant probably when he came home from iraq last oct. since we r both in the military and have a kid together he kept promising me things and threating me with things so i wanna say since then i gues up until this very moment i nevr thought about that....i thought because i love him it was ok to feel this way all the time hopeless and always scared that he was gunna leave....befor he was deployed things where great couldnt b happier it was after....and no i was a strong independant woman i would never let what is happening to me now happen then....i was always in control of my life i would have never let a man like that brng me this low.....i validate it by thinking it is going to change it is going to get better and it does for a long time and then everything goes down hill....i guess cus i get told its my fault i deserve it....i love him but i dont know if you would call it neglect but i hate what he has turned into which according to him is my fault.....the only thing i can say i absolutly love about myself is that i am trying to be the best mother i can be and that everyday i can see that since im the first person my daughter sees every morning and see her have the biggest smile on her face makes me proud to be her mom....and what i hate the most is that i lost everything i was...that i got attached and trusted someone else with my life that i could let a man (no offense) bring me to my knees figurtivly speaking...pretty much that i let my h change everything that i loved about myself everything that he was attracted to and loved so much about me...


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

As everyone else has said, he's an a-hole. Boot his ass out. He has a sweet deal, time you put an end to it.


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

joanne.kent said:


> to b honest i wanna say with emotionaly dependant probably when he came home from iraq last oct. since we r both in the military and have a kid together *he kept promising me things and threating me with things* so i wanna say since then i gues up until this very moment i nevr thought about that....i thought because i love him it was ok to feel this way all the time hopeless and always scared that he was gunna leave....befor he was deployed things where great couldnt b happier it was after....and no i was a strong independant woman i would never let what is happening to me now happen then....i was always in control of my life i would have never let a man like that brng me this low.....i validate it by thinking it is going to change it is going to get better and it does for a long time and then everything goes down hill....*i guess cus i get told its my fault i deserve it*....*i love him but i dont know if you would call it neglect but i hate what he has turned into which according to him is my fault*.....the only thing i can say i absolutly love about myself is that i am trying to be the best mother i can be and that everyday i can see that since im the first person my daughter sees every morning and see her have the biggest smile on her face makes me proud to be her mom....and what i hate the most is that i lost everything i was...that i got attached and trusted someone else with my life that i could let a man (no offense) bring me to my knees figurtivly speaking...pretty much that i let my h change everything that i loved about myself everything that he was attracted to and loved so much about me...


Ok, so you are married to an emotionally abusive a-hole who is sponging off of you and telling your its all your fault. You need to woman-up. 

The same advice we give guys, forget him, work on yourself. Make yourself better. Stand up for yourself, and if you even remotely think he is going to hurt you, take appropriate action. Know that no one can make you happy but yourself. You already know you do not NEED him. He is using you, then telling your it is your fault he is an a-hole, and you feel guilty about it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So you wanted to mother him when came back from deployment? Or did you see it mainly as a way to keep your family together?

The most upbeat and happy you've written so far is about your daughter. That is wonderful. You should cherish her and and hold her close. That's your priority #1

I'm not going to shoot from hip and tell you he's PTSD but it kind of sounds like it, no? There's got be some military or VA way nearby to address that, no? Now I'll you straight if it is then they're going to lab-rat him a bunch of different drugs that aren't going to work or make it worse. So if it's at all possible, he should see someone outside of the military system. 

Anyway - here's my lay opinion. Hug your daughter and hold on to her like her life depends on it. Have an exit strategy and try to see if you can push him to get some help. 

In the meantime, you need to examine in yourself how you get into this mess this far this long. That's a long time to live with someone you're afraid of.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He is playing you and will keep doing so until you put your foot down


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