# 5 days post d-day :(



## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

Hi Everyone,

I've posed a couple of times on the general forum about my suspicions about my husband and a girl he works with.

So on saturday he finally confessed that he had had sex with her, she got pregnant and he took her to get an abortion 

A lot of you have been here (the details being different of course) so you can imagine how I felt. 

I didn't speak to him for 2 days, ignored all his begging texts and answerphone messages. I went to get an STI test (still waiting for results), separated our finances and was fully prepared to walk away from this relationship. I arranged to meet him at 2pm on monday morning to tell him that it was over and I couldn't forgive him for what he had done to me, himself and this girl (who is only 20)

At midday I got a text from him to say that he was in hospital after having a TIA (mini-stroke) I rushed to see him and spend the next 9 hours waiting with him and talking, talking, talking. He was discharge and I allowed him to come home. We have talked and talked about this situation. 

He seems truly remorseful over what he has done. He had a flirty, friendly relationship with this girl that went on for a couple of months, and one night they slept together. The next day he told her it was a mistake and he didn't want it to carry on. A few weeks later she told him she was pregnant and he spent the next few months trying to cover it up. 

From the dates I have about the pregnancy: my suspicions began at the beggining of march, I found evidence that they had been texting each other hundreds of times during march and april, she must have got pregnant in the middle of may - after I confronted him about the texts and other suspicious behaviour. 

I have asked him a couple of times during our talking if they were sleeping together from march onwards. He insists that he only slept with her once and that brough him to his senses - ending the flirting etc etc.

So it means that he was flirtingy, texting her for 2 and a half months before they slept together. They were also spending time togther drinking after work and working together most night (he runs a bar, she is a barmaid and lives in a room aboove the bar)

If he confessed that he had sex with her and she got pregant and he asked her and took her for an abortion. Has he got any reason to lie about how many times he slept with her? To me it makes more sense that they were sleeping together for a couple of months then it all ended when she got pregant.

What do you think? Am I gettting the 'trickle truth'?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you usually do get trickle truth on the first confession

what kind of phone did he text with?


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

Words.

Unfortunately, they are not the reason for you to change your actions. You were handling things right until his hospital visit, and now "nurse ishe" is ready for a R.

WS's lie. When they run out of lies, they come up with new ones.

When part of their web of lies starts unravelling, they start with the trickle truth. After all, they have to tell the truth about the part that was uncovered (the very specific part).

It's only been 5 days. It's just smoke and mirrors.

Sorry.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I know how I am betting.... do you realize what the odds are that a person gets pregnate after one time? Lower odds than an Affair relationship going the distance. Take care of yourself, he cant help it, they all lie like rugs.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

A samsung galaxy ... but hes only had that for a couple of months. He upgraded his handset

His agrgument is that he has old me that he got her pregant and took her for an abortion. I know that he was texting her from the beginning of march, and he has confessed that they have become 'close' since the abortion as she is really upset about it/regrets it etc and he feels an obligation to her as he asked her to have the abortion because they had no future together.

One the one hand part of me thinks he is lying, on the other hand after confessing so much what would be the point in lying about the details?


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

OOE said:


> Words.
> 
> 
> When part of their web of lies starts unravelling, they start with the trickle truth. After all, they have to tell the truth about the part that was uncovered (the very specific part).
> ...


There was no way that I would ever find out about the pregnancy now that it has been terminated. While i know from experience that the advice on this forum is spot on I don't see a reason for him to lie ... hes told me the worst bit


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

But he is really vague about dates etc. We went on holiday in July, she had either just had a termination or was pregnant ... he cant remember which. I think that kind of thing will have been playing on his mind and it should be clear to him whether he was ****ting himself coz she was pregnant or upset coz he had just took her for an abortion ... he just says he cant remember!


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

Hoosier said:


> I know how I am betting.... do you realize what the odds are that a person gets pregnate after one time?


Apparently 3-5%


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

He's trickle truthing you.

There's more than one sex session here 
over that span of time with such easy access?

He did it more than the one time
It's just that the pregnancy is only evidence of one time and he's not going to "give" you any info he doesn't have to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think that if someone went through sleeping together, pregnancy, abortion - that the dates and events would be really burned in my head.

Do it matter to your decision if it was one sex + lots of EA or lots of sex + lots of EA?


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I think that if someone went through sleeping together, pregnancy, abortion - that the dates and events would be really burned in my head.
> 
> Do it matter to your decision if it was one sex + lots of EA or lots of sex + lots of EA?


No it doesn't matter. But it matters that he is being honest with me now.

I cannot commit to trying to repair this relationship if he's still lying to me.

It does seem obvious that he isn't telling me the whole truth. But I don't understand why he would lie... if I'm thinking of forgiving him for an EA with a single episode of PA that resulted in a pregnancy. What does he gain from lying about the extend of the PA?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ishe? said:


> But he is really vague about dates etc. We went on holiday in July, she had either just had a termination or was pregnant ... he cant remember which. I think that kind of thing will have been playing on his mind and it should be clear to him whether he was ****ting himself coz she was pregnant or upset coz he had just took her for an abortion ... he just says he cant remember!



oh he remembers


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ishe? said:


> No it doesn't matter. But it matters that he is being honest with me now.
> 
> I cannot commit to trying to repair this relationship if he's still lying to me.
> 
> It does seem obvious that he isn't telling me the whole truth. But I don't understand why he would lie... if I'm thinking of forgiving him for an EA with a single episode of PA that resulted in a pregnancy. What does he gain from lying about the extend of the PA?



they hold back on everything because the whole truth is really ugly and they figure if they confess to lesser crimes they will either "not hurt you further" or fear that the whole truth will prevent you from forgiving and reconciling

now admitting the pregnancy and abortion is a biggie, but as a poster stated above the chances of a one shot pregnancy is a long shot so either...


he should play the lottery

or he's being truthful and she is lying to him and got pregnant by some other guy and had him finance the abortion

or they had lots of sex


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

ishe? said:


> What does he gain from lying about the extend of the PA?


What if it's still ongoing? Would that be reason enough?

Does she still work at his bar?

It's been 5 days. What had he done to cut contact with OW?

Ishe, we know you want to salvage your marriage (and we're rooting for you). So knowing that, it's OK for you to fight for that for all you're worth. Grasping at the straws of trickle truth won't be a step in that direction, though.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

ishe? said:


> No it doesn't matter. But it matters that he is being honest with me now.
> 
> I cannot commit to trying to repair this relationship if he's still lying to me.
> 
> It does seem obvious that he isn't telling me the whole truth. But I don't understand why he would lie... if I'm thinking of forgiving him for an EA with a single episode of PA that resulted in a pregnancy. What does he gain from lying about the extend of the PA?


Many liars, who get deeply committed to the lying and cover up - seem to find it impossible to ever fully come clean. It's like they've ingrained the lying deep in their soul.

if you want to really know, then make him pay for a polygraph. It's not a truth serum, but the fear and threat of it can loosen lips.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

There is no way you would have known if he hadn't told you, except maybe when the 20 year old was going to tell you so he made a premptive strike to put his spin on it...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

tacoma said:


> He's trickle truthing you.
> 
> There's more than one sex session here
> over that span of time with such easy access?
> ...


Much as I hate to say it and I'd love to root for a genuinely remorseful cheater I think Tacoma is probably right here. 

What do his actions the last 5 days tell you? What does your instinct tell you? These are the only two sources of reliable info short of hard evidence. Anything he says is just words.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

He has agreed to cut all contact with her in fact he's there now and she is due to meet him at 3.30 (its 3pm here now)

But i stupidly just text him to say this:

"Getting OW out of your life is one of the main things you need to do for us to move forward. The other one is confessing the extent of your sexual relationship with her. There were 12 weeks between when i know you started texting each other (it could have started earlier) and the minimum date that she could have concieved. The chance of getting pregnant after one sexual encounter is 3%. I know that you are lying. Two people don't spend every day together, texting and flirting ... then wait 3 months to have sex. i can understand why you're frightened to confess everything but blatently denying it won't work on me anymore. Theres not much point breaking contact with her if you're not going to tell me the FULL truth. i deserve to know"


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

why is he meeting her?!

He should be writing a no contact letter instead, now you have no idea what was said


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> What do his actions the last 5 days tell you? What does your instinct tell you? These are the only two sources of reliable info short of hard evidence. Anything he says is just words.


So far he has agreed to cut contact and ask her to move out, offered to deleted his facebook and change his phone number. 

My instincts tell me that he wants to be with me and feels genuine remorse for what he has done. But my insticts (and you guys) also tell me that he is lying about the extent of their affair

He has just text back threatening to go and stay at his sisters for a few days to give us both some space to think about what we need to do. He is still insisting that he is telling the truth.

I text him back and said that yes he should go to his sisters, take all the time he needs, then when he comes back he can either tell me the truth or we end the relationship


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> why is he meeting her?!
> 
> He should be writing a no contact letter instead, now you have no idea what was said


I know, bu since she is greiving for the baby she aborted and he is telling her to move out I though this situation might be different.

I'm too ****ing nice ... and look where it has got me


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

ishe? said:


> in fact he's there now and she is due to meet him at 3.30 (its 3pm here now)


*what?!?!?!?!?*


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well you can bet now he is going over his story with her in case you decide to contact her


or worse figuring ways to go underground


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

Its only been 5 days ... I'm obviously still in denial or something


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

In many ways your husband has put himself in a really poor position. He committed adultery. And he has royally fu(ked the OW, the 20 year old woman's, head with both the adultery and abortion. Yes, the OW is also 1/2 to blame, but she's still relative young and naive(?). She'll have to live with that. Let's hope she's psychologically healthy and strong to handle this much sh*t.

Your husband also has to live with this knowledge. Dont know if you could live with a man who did something like this?


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

aug said:


> In many ways your husband has put himself in a really poor position. He committed adultery. And he has royally fu(ked the OW, the 20 year old woman's, head with both the adultery and abortion. Yes, the OW is also 1/2 to blame, but she's still relative young and naive(?). She'll have to live with that. Let's hope she's psychologically healthy and strong to handle this much sh*t.
> 
> Your husband also has to live with this knowledge. Dont know if you could live with a man who did something like this?


I agree completly, she is young and vulnerable. I need to figure out if I can reconcile the man that can do this with the man i have shared my life with for 10 years and the father of my children ... probably not


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

based on your time zone, I'm guessing you're a Brit?


Maybe you should have a quaff with DrMelfi at the pub and she can help you stand up for yourself


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

ishe? said:


> He has just text back threatening to go and stay at his sisters for a few days to give us both some space to think about what we need to do.


Don't flinch. He's gaming you. 

I probably don't have to tell you, this is a horrible sign.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

I think the idea of giving him space (to move out) is a really bad idea. Many waywards use this time to re-kindle the sex with the other person, have a last few rolls in the hay, reminisce about all their good times, or just plain audition the other person as your replacement. Even if they do come back, you're allowing more cake eating by agreeing to this separation. 

Time apart will only breed more distance (and possibly worse) and not help in your recovery of your marriage.

Btw, I agree that a polygraph is your best bet moving forward with the truth you desire.

I would suggest that he agrees to all your conditions (whatever they are) on his return, or serve him with divorce papers.

Stay strong.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm thinking now that even if he comes to me with the truth, either tonight or after a few days apart, that I obviously can't trust him.

I need to stick to my guns. I haven't had sex with him since my visit to the GUM clinic - so thats sorted, just need another blood test in three months to take care of the HIV incubation period. I now have my own bank account and will stop all my money going into the joint account. 

He is lying through his teeth and its only when he is not sat in front of me that I can see it. When he's here and being 'honest' and remorseful then I temporarily believe him. I don't need any more proof than I have already.

He may have been a good partner for the last 9 years but for all I know this is just the first affair that I have uncovered.

I am only 30, I have two beautiful kids, my own money coming in and I am intelligent and attractive. He gives me nothing that I can't give myself.

Thank god this happened now when I'm young enough to start a new life without him.

Let him go to his 20 year old ... Lets see how that relationship turns out! if he can't make a relationship work with me then he's the fool!


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

ishe? said:


> He is lying through his teeth and its only when he is not sat in front of me that I can see it. When he's here and being 'honest' and remorseful then I temporarily believe him. I don't need any more proof than I have already.
> 
> He may have been a good partner for the last 9 years but for all I know this is just the first affair that I have uncovered.


:iagree:



> I am only 30, I have two beautiful kids, my own money coming in and I am intelligent and attractive.





> Thank god this happened now when I'm young enough to start a new life without him.


:iagree: :iagree:



> ...he's the fool


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

I went out to the book launch of a friend of mine tonight and had a genuinly good time. I got dressed up fixed my hair and makeup and spent all night chatting to people. I had one glass of champangne and a couple of nibbles.

The thing is I genuinly had a good time ... it wasn't forced or faked I had fun 

If I can have a good night now in the middle of all this ****, in a few months I'll be well on the way to being genuinly happy most of the time


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

OOE said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


thank you ... its a shame it taken me so long ... I should have kicked him out in march when all this **** started. I might have saved the OW all the heartache he's given her too


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Thanks. I needed this.

I dread beating people over the head with the 2x4 of reality when I read something that sounds so clearly doomed. From time to time people like you set aside the denial and can see the truth about themselves, their spouses and the relationship and they have the strength to admit it and move on...

It's refreshing. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

Thanks for all your replies everyone.

You have been just what I needed to shake myself out of the denial I have been in for the last 7/8 months.

When I first joined this forum I left after my first post because I didn't want to hear the truth. But I came back because i needed to be hit over the head with the reality of what he has done.

Thank you so much ... I'll be hanging out in the separation and divorce forum from now on  

Maybe in a few weeks I can come back here and use my experience to help others struggling with lying WS's

xxx


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

So my husband came over today and took the kids out. After they came back and the kids were upstairs I told him I didn't need to hear the truth about his affair bacause I didn't want to be with him anymore. 

He just said ok and sat in silence for a while. He asked of we could talk and he spend an hour pleading with me to try and make this work. He finally admitted that he slept with her on three occasions and I questioned him about lots of little things and I do think I finally have the truth. I'm on the fence at the moment. I've been completely honest and told him I don't think working on our relationship is the best path to happiness for me or the children. He has accepted 100% of the blame for everything that has happened and I have been brutal in my honesty o how me and the children have been affected. I told him that I can be with him until he sorts out the mess that he has made and comes to me with solutions and ways that he can try andante things right again. I also warned him that even him putting in 100% may not result in an R because he has lied and lied and lied and I have no way of trusting anything he says. I made it clear that only his actions can save our relationship and even them it might be too late. 

He wanted to come home tonight and I said no. I can tell that he is terrified that I am strong and able to carry on and be happier alone than I would be with him. 

I wavering slightly and am on the fence about whether to separate or try to R
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Make decisions in your own time make them for you however as a start he hand writes a letter of no contact to the OW, this is regardless if you R or not, you read and ensure it is sent in a way that she has to sign for delivery.

No Contact Letter

He writes a letter to his family apologising for his adultery and asks them to help support your marriage recovery.

Why should he do this ? It is for you , to evidence his willingness to recover the marriage , to prevent him gas lighting you later on , to formaly admit his affair to those who impact him.

Work on yourself , give yourself space , go out with trusted friends , don't lie or cover up for him , not to your children, family or friends . When you are ready make a decision.

Recovery from an affair is hard work , some BS cannot forget what their wayward spouses did , the only decision that is right is the one you choose for you .
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

ishe? said:


> I can tell that he is terrified that I am strong and able to carry on and be happier alone than I would be with him.


That is his punishment for the betrayal.



> I wavering slightly and am on the fence about whether to separate or try to R
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don`t waver now, he`s terrified.
Let him live in that for a little while so you can get your head straight.


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