# I need opinions from other wives please...



## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

Originally posted in the Men's area:

Husbands, do you joke like this with male friends? Is this just normal male chatter? The following is a chat between my husband and a buddy. Obviously it was not meant for me. I found it in his phone (wrong, I know):

Husband: How am i supposed to concentrate with this hotty asian chick flipping her hair around in my study room?

Friend: Maybe she is giving you a sign ha ha. 

Friend: I gotta get up there and see this.

Husband: No way man. I got this!

There are 2 reasons this bothers me so much 1. in the past he asked an ex to send naked pictures (this is how my snooping started). He apologized and admitted it was wrong but it took me forever to feel like I can trust him. I feel like he is walking too close to the line he crossed joking like this by joking about cheating on me. 2. I would never have guessed that this is how my husband would speak!! Am I just naive? Would this bother you? 

I feel very uncomfortable about it. Like there is this side to him I never knew about and I just don't know how to feel. I could really use some input from other women, am I irrational to feel upset?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I have to agree with the comments over on the men's section, this is just how guys talk. If you don't have any further evidence, I would let this go.

And yes, your husband (and most all men) speak like this more often than we have any idea. Part of being a guy.


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

Yup. Normal guy chatter. I would not worry about it.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I too think this is how some men talk to each other. They banter. They posture. They have jokey exchanges that don't mean much other than to make themselves look good in their own eyes. It's like they're chest thumping with their fists but instead of fists they use words. 

There's one girlfriend of mine who talks like this about men. 

I can see how given his past history with flirtation, you might be uncomfortable with such texts about another girl.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

After the thread and responses in the other section, I'm convienced the OP is just wanting to whine and find someone to agree with her. It is time to drop the subject!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What exactly is it about that exchange that bothers you?? He isn't talking about cheating on you. He calls another woman a 'hottie'. So what? He isn't allowed to think other women are attractive??? Saying 'I got this' I suppose could be construed as something bad, but seriously, do you really think he's about to go and proposition her on the spot?

There's no reason you can't tell him it bothers you when you see stuff like this. But then, you'd better have a good reason for snooping in his phone.

On the other hand, if he cheated on you, what has he done to repair the damage? His phone SHOULD be available to you, he should want to prove he isn't cheating any more.


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

dormant said:


> After the thread and responses in the other section, I'm convienced the OP is just wanting to whine and find someone to agree with her. It is time to drop the subject!


I am sorry you feel that way, but that is simply not the case. I thought this board was partly for getting advice? Is it wrong that I would want advise from women and men on the issue? 

Before I was wondering from the men if this is how they all talk. Now, I was wondering from the women if it would bother them. I am not looking for someone to agree with me, I am looking for opinions and trying to gain insight. Ultimately, I think I was hoping that a husband who had been in my husband shoes or a wife who had been on mine might shed some light with how they feel about it. 

Why even post your response?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

It's a public forum, Lotsoflove, and not everyone reading will agree with you.

In this case, pretty much everyone has disagreed with you, and you are clearly not happy about it. I'm not sure what you want us to do.


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> What exactly is it about that exchange that bothers you?? He isn't talking about cheating on you. He calls another woman a 'hottie'. So what? He isn't allowed to think other women are attractive??? Saying 'I got this' I suppose could be construed as something bad, but seriously, do you really think he's about to go and proposition her on the spot?
> 
> There's no reason you can't tell him it bothers you when you see stuff like this. But then, you'd better have a good reason for snooping in his phone.
> 
> On the other hand, if he cheated on you, what has he done to repair the damage? His phone SHOULD be available to you, he should want to prove he isn't cheating any more.


It was the part where he said "no way man", "I got this" when his friend wanted to come up that really bothered me. It sounds to me like what a single guy would say when he is "claiming" someone so to speak. 

I am not bothered that he thought she was hot, not in the least. Of course married people find others attractive, look at other people and even mention they are hot. 

I don't have a "good" reason for snooping. I snoop out of fear and insecurity because he wronged me in the past by asking an ex for naked pictures. I felt like in this situation, the past being what it is, someone here might relate, understand, or tell me I am overreacting. I am here to learn and grow and gain understanding.


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

lamaga said:


> It's a public forum, Lotsoflove, and not everyone reading will agree with you.
> 
> In this case, pretty much everyone has disagreed with you, and you are clearly not happy about it. I'm not sure what you want us to do.


I am not unhappy about it at all, I just wanted opinions from both sides. And certainly I wouldn't expect everyone to agree with me. People have different types of expectations and boundaries in relationships and I would never expect what would or wouldn't bother me to always be the same as the next. 

I've not told anyone I disagree with them. I've not expressed any anger that the consensus is not to worry about it. I've simply asked the same question twice to two different populations to gather opinions. 

I am here to try and learn and grow. I respect your opinion and everyone else's and I don't feel that I have an expressed an unhappiness or defense to those who have disagreed that it should bother me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It would bother me. They are at work, no? Then they should work and stop acting like teenaged boys.

I don't think my husband would like it very much to see a text that has me talking about some "hottie" at work...and how I "got this".

I know guys banter...and flick each other's nuts (which I will NEVER understand) and goof around and make jokes that only they find funny  But...those texts are just stupid, and wtf does the OP's husband "got" when he says he got this? lol! 

But, I wouldn't ask H about it or bring it up...I would think he's a bigger dork than he already is (I am too) and then remember the stupid shet my girlfriends and I talk about--- albeit, not about other guys.

I dunno...just be a hottie and flip your hair around tonight. haha.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But if your gut is telling you something is OFF with those texts, then listen to yourself. Seriously. We don't know your husband....but YOU do. 

And you're right...he sounds very single in that text.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

lol is is some super hot hunk with game thats just going to walk up and even have a chance?

guy talk


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> lol is is some super hot hunk with game thats just going to walk up and even have a chance?
> 
> guy talk


He is. Ha ha. Super hot. I don't know about game though, lol.


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## andi33 (Jul 6, 2012)

I realize that men have a banter and a way with their guy friends but once you are married, I do believe that, at some point, this banter can be inappropriate and even hurtful. If this is how my H acted an a regular basis, for my own personal happiness, I would need to address it on some level, especially if it caused me distress. I would expect the same of my H if I were acting the same way.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

That would bother me whether or not your H had wronged you in the past. He should be talking about you and not googling over other women. I know if my husband caught me talking like that with my girlfriends about a hot guy, it would bother my H.


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

andi33 said:


> I realize that men have a banter and a way with their guy friends but once you are married, I do believe that, at some point, this banter can be inappropriate and even hurtful. If this is how my H acted an a regular basis, for my own personal happiness, I would need to address it on some level, especially if it caused me distress. I would expect the same of my H if I were acting the same way.


This is sort of how I was feeling. Half of me gets it, the other half feels like he could take it easy. Honestly, I don't know how often he jokes like this. 

He said maybe it wasn't right, but that it felt like a grey area. I feel like knowing his history, he shouldn't find it so funny to joke about cheating on me. So I told him, "I get that guys will be guys, but can we agree from this point forward that joking about cheating on me is no longer a grey area?" And to my shock he said "Yes". He is usually so stubborn!

At this point, I need to let it go.


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