# Divorce is coming and I don’t know what to do



## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

I will try to keep this short and to the point.

I found out a couple of weeks ago my wife of 16 years is cheating on me. We have been together in total 20 years next month. We have 3 kids 10, 8 & 4 year old. Over the last year we have not had sex and grumpy with each other. We have both been very stressed financially as we bought a big house only for my income to go way down as I am 100% commission paid and her salary is not that much. So we have not communicated well and just short with each other. Her father passed away about 2 months ago and he was her life as she loved him so much, which I am good with. He and I were great friends and I would do anything for him. 

After her father passed I made a negative comment one day when cleaning out his house, about not keeping everything he has just because. It really upset her and as soon as I said i, I regretted it and apologized but she was pissed. sometime soon after an old childhood boyfriend reached out to say he heard about her father. She never mentioned this to me and apparently he kept on and slowly lead to the talking on the phone and eventually meeting up multiple times. This had been going on for about a month. she is the one that confessed to me as his wife found out about them and she new it would come out soon and I would find out.

once she told me about this she also let Me know she’s no longer in love with me and wants a divorce. This has broke my heart as I thought we would be together forever even if we were both miserable at the time with each other. She has also been the one that has always said she hates cheaters and I have never cheated on her. So this really hurts. Not to mention this guy she is still talking to and probably seeing some how, even though we are still living together is a old boyfriend when she was young, physically, verbally and mentally abused her. He even kidnapped her and threatened to kill her, yet this is who she is leaving me for. He would even try reaching out to her in the past and she would tell me about i. She would always tell me how crazy he is. 

I spoke to his wife the day after I found out and she says he is still very manipulative and told her if she contacted me he would leave her and go after my wife. I told my wife this and she just shrugged it off really. I told her I will do everything in my power to keep my kids away from him and her if she dates him. She says she is not leaving me for him but wants to be away from me. I just know she is a relationship type person. So I know once we split he will be with her. I have begged her to try and work this out but she seems so cold at trying to work it out. I know he is feeding her with everything needed for her to stick to guns on this. She is ready for us to split but I don’t want us to. This is all a first for me and not sure what to do. Do i go ahead and kick her out and move on? How do we tell my kids who know something is wrong as daddy sleeps in the spare bedroom and my oldest keeps asking me why I am not sleeping with her. 

She is trying to figure out how for us to get our finances in order and she even wants to help pay my stuff off before hers as I cannot afford the house and everything else at the moment. As she can go live in her fathers house and me I will have nothing. This pandemic has really messed me up in every way possible. My business is about to go under, no money for bills or a lawyer. My wife is leaving me. So I feel screwed over in ever way on this. I want to keep the kids but not sure how I will do this or if this is even the right thing to do. So I am a lost soul at the moment and not sure what to do. Please help if possible. any advice would be great.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Don’t beg and plead for your wife to stay. It will make you look weak and pathetic in her eyes and make her only dislike you more. Did you notice the man she is after is not weak and pathetic... he is a user and manipulator. He operates from a position of power... the opposite of weakness. A woman that has broken the sex barrier with a man in the past has a much easier time having sex with the same man again.

Anyways. .... enough of that garbage.

So... the house. Because you bit off more than you can chew I’m going to guess you don’t have much equity. I personally would sell the house even at a small loss just to get out from under it. It would be best to do this before you file to keep things simple and agreeable. She goes to her dads place and you find a tiny condo.

Im going to give you some advice you really should listen to because it’s important: When a woman says she is done... she has already been done for a long time and knows it. This is only new to you. She is finished.... let her go. You will never compete with old flame guy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree, don't beg her to stay. Just let her know that if she will end the affair and stay to work on the marriage, you will consider giving it a chance. Then let her go stay at her father's place. Do not let her take your children. She cannot legally move them out of the family home. 

Then start interacting with your wife per the 180 (see link in my signature block). The idea is for you to minimize all contact with her. Until she ends the affair and agrees to fix the marriage, you have very little reason to talk to her. There is also a very good book that would give you a good plan of action: "*Surviving An Affair* " by Dr. Harley. In the book it talks about doing what it calls Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is what you have been doing thus far.. that's where you try to get her to end the affair and work on your marriage. The next phase is Plan B. Plan B is basically the 180. The book talks about a lot of things you can do to basically make her affair fall apart. And it has a lot of things you can do to help yourself handle this.

If you can go see an attorney and ask them how to prevent her from taking the children. Many attorneys will let you have a free half hour to one hour appointment. That way you might choose them to represent you. It wise to check out 3 attorneys so you might find someone who you think will represent you well. If you cannot afford an attorney, it's still wise to interview a few of them. There is also a lot of info online and books at places like amazon about divorce in each state. Your state most likely also has a self help site with all the forms and instructions.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

Thank you both for the replies! It is funny how when I read the 180 rules these are some of the things I want to do but scared to do as well. I will however try my best to follow them to see if we can and or I want to make it work. Let me ask these questions as well:

This morning I got out of the shower and she was there and my dog. I said hello to the dog and not her and it pissed her off and she started at me with "You cannot say hello to me?". Then she goes on to say how we need to just split and get this moving forward. I did not over react and kept calm (which pissed her off even more and said "don't patronize me") and let her know "I was just trying to give her space" as she requested and I said "I don't know what to say", she replied with "you are right you don't ever know what to say" and continued to huff and puff. This upsets me and makes me sad and mad at her for this as I know this is a mind game on me weather she is doing it on purpose or not. Just seems weird why all of a sudden she would be this way this morning. So of course it make my brain have a 100 thoughts a second, that maybe she is wanting to work it out but I upset her. She just walked back in the house and will not look my direction. Real fun this is.
During this time I want to try and work on myself and feel better about everything. I am not sure what the rules are with this separation thing, do I start talking to other women or what?
Do I tell my Parents and get advise from them? My Parents split when I was 7 so they have gone through this as well. Funny thing is my Mom will to this day say how much she wish she could be with my Dad again but it grosses me out to hear this now as I am 46 and have known this life so long it seems weird to hear. The only person that knows about this is her Mom as I went to her about this. We have been together for this long, she has become a mother and friend to me as well and is easy to talk to. She and I when we do talk, she allows me to speak and never takes a side and she wants it to work out for us and is as heart broken as I am. Do I continue to talk to her as well?
When telling the kids how do we approach it? I know I cannot sit there and throw her under the bus but what do I say to them if they ask me to try and work it out with her? I want to tell them "I have and want to but she is the one that does not want to". The kids are our world and this is one thing we do agree on. I do feel I am the one that does more quality time with them in terms of playing with them and being there to take them where ever they need to be. She is just not that type of person but I know she loves them.

I am sure I will have 100 more questions after this but thank you in advance to any and all for any advice you can give. Some days I feel good and positive with what is happening and knowing I have my kids but other days it scares me to know this could be over and never be the same again. No mater what, I am going to try and stay positive for me and the kids, weather that ends with us together or apart.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Be sure and remember; you deserve to be happy and secure in your own life and relationships and with her declarations - her needs shouldn't be put before yours anymore, anytime.

It's easier said than done but just breathe in and breathe out, it's hard now but will get easier.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I am not sure if not saying Hello is really 180. I would think you say happy "Hello" and just go do your things, not waiting or offering anything more than simple hello. You are supposed to be independent, not jerk.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> I am not sure if not saying Hello is really 180. I would think you say happy "Hello" and just go do your things, not waiting or offering anything more than simple hello. You are supposed to be independent, not jerk.


This morning something just felt off with her and me. To be honest I am not sure I have said hello to her in the mornings really. Not that I have gone out of my way to say hello either or dodge her either. I have not tried being a jerk though any of this and have tried to be there for her but feel conflicted with anything I try to do or say with her. I feel like I should be texting to say I am sorry for this morning but then feel I do not owe her anything and if she is upset let her be. So I am a mess still and with no one to talk to and when I do with her it just upsets her even more at me. I am ready for something to change at the same time I am too scared to let her leave.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Lifeafter said:


> This morning something just felt off with her and me. To be honest I am not sure I have said hello to her in the mornings really. Not that I have gone out of my way to say hello either or dodge her either. I have not tried being a jerk though any of this and have tried to be there for her but feel conflicted with anything I try to do or say with her. I feel like I should be texting to say I am sorry for this morning but then feel I do not owe her anything and if she is upset let her be. So I am a mess still and with no one to talk to and when I do with her it just upsets her even more at me. I am ready for something to change at the same time* I am too scared to let her leave*.


What are you scared of exactly?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Lifeafter said:


> This morning something just felt off with her and me. To be honest I am not sure I have said hello to her in the mornings really. Not that I have gone out of my way to say hello either or dodge her either. I have not tried being a jerk though any of this and have tried to be there for her but feel conflicted with anything I try to do or say with her. I feel like I should be texting to say I am sorry for this morning but then feel I do not owe her anything and if she is upset let her be. So I am a mess still and with no one to talk to and when I do with her it just upsets her even more at me. I am ready for something to change at the same time I am too scared to let her leave.


This will be hard time for you. with important, life changing decisions in our lives, it often takes time. At first, divorce seems impossible, scary,overwhelming. But with time, if things are not improving, the idea slowly becomes less overwhelming, less scary, and the idea of the life after the divorce becomes more appealing.
Maybe set your yourself for few sessions with counselor to help you to figure it all out?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The kids may be your world but apparently they aren’t your wife’s world. She obviously didn’t consider the effect this would have on them. That leaves you to give them the stability they will need going forward. As for her, you need to detach. Put some emotional distance between you and her. None of this is easy but you _can_ get through it.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

hubbyintrubby said:


> What are you scared of exactly?


I am scared of it all. I am not the type of person that likes to date and meet new people especially emotional relationships. That has always scared me. I am scared for my kids as I came from a divorced family and it is hard. I am scared of my financial situation and how to afford everything moving forward and feel I may not get my kids if I am not able to provide a good place for them to live. So I am scared of it all. This is not to say I don’t Have thoughts that I could be better off without her as well. So it is a lot of emotions running through my head. I am also a very indecisive person in everything I do. The what if has always plagued me in everything I do.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Lifeafter said:


> I am scared of it all. I am not the type of person that likes to date and meet new people especially emotional relationships. That has always scared me. I am scared for my kids as I came from a divorced family and it is hard. I am scared of my financial situation and how to afford everything moving forward and feel I may not get my kids if I am not able to provide a good place for them to live. So I am scared of it all. This is not to say I don’t Have thoughts that I could be better off without her as well. So it is a lot of emotions running through my head. I am also a very indecisive person in everything I do. The what if has always plagued me in everything I do.


Yes, all this is scary. It took me more than six years to finally get to divorce. I am in it now, and it is still scary, but at this point is something that has to be done.

If she is asking for divorce, you may not have a choice here. Even if it's scary. But things are more scary when we do not know what;s happening. Make your priority to learn the process of divorce, how are assets divided, debts, etc. You have a house together - if you sell it, that money should be split 50/50, right? Use your money wisely. If the houses are too expensive in your area, rent something decent.
Once you know exactly how things would go, you stop panicking (or maybe will be panicking a little at the beginning, that's ok), but then you can start making plans, even in the worst situation. And having a plan will help you feel in the control again, and it seems that;s very much what you need right now.

Another poster just yesterday posted on my thread about lawyers links to the bookstore where you can buy pretty good divorce books with worksheets, that will help you guide your through the process. I'll find it and post it here for you. I have already downloaded one for myself.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Lifeafter, I was close to your age when my first wife left to find herself ( I believe she was being groomed to leave) I was in a similar situation where we had 4 teenagers, all boys and had a year before lost a lucrative job due to cutbacks.

Two weeks after she left I took the initiative and told her I wanted a divorce. I had to work 3 jobs at the time just to keep the roof over our heads and my kids fed while she was living her dream.

I too was scared ****less of what the
future held, but being who I was I forged ahead.
After crying in my smelly clothes as I was in a state of depression, I pulled up my big boy pants and got another job that kept the wolves at bay. I’d lost two vehicles, my whole pension for the years I had worked and my self esteem.
Needless to say, we made it through that difficult time. At 50 I remarried and have been with my wife for the past 18 years.
Granted, life’s not as good monetarily as it could have been with all my retirement moneys, but hey!
The reason I post this is so you can see that there is life after divorce and when you’re feeling that you’ve reached you lowest point in your life, there is a way to overcome all the crap that’s been thrown at you.

Buck up and work for yourself and your kids. By the way, kids are more resilient than you might give them credit for.

I have my kids and now grandkids near and she doesn’t. I can enjoy that fact in my retirement.

I wish you and your children the best and I apologize for this long drawn out post.

OT


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

PieceOfSky said:


> A few books you might checkout:
> 
> 1) Divorce After 50
> 2) Divorce and Money
> ...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Lifeafter said:


> This morning something just felt off with her and me. To be honest I am not sure I have said hello to her in the mornings really. Not that I have gone out of my way to say hello either or dodge her either. I have not tried being a jerk though any of this and have tried to be there for her but feel conflicted with anything I try to do or say with her. I feel like I should be texting to say I am sorry for this morning but then feel I do not owe her anything and if she is upset let her be. So I am a mess still and with no one to talk to and when I do with her it just upsets her even more at me. I am ready for something to change at the same time I am too scared to let her leave.


Dude, don't talk to her, file for divorce, she is gone, you know that.

And file before you hit 20 years so you don't have to pay alimony forever... 

DONT TALK TO HER AT ALL... Just about kids if you absolutely have to. 

And for God's sake, read "No more Mr. Nice Guy" And read it today.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lifeafter said:


> Thank you both for the replies! It is funny how when I read the 180 rules these are some of the things I want to do but scared to do as well. I will however try my best to follow them to see if we can and or I want to make it work. Let me ask these questions as well:


The 180 protects you from the continuing emotional damage that her affair and her mistreatment of you can cause you. It's to protect you, not to be hard on her.

The more you try to placate her, the more you give her permission to be in an affair and emotionally push you around.



Lifeafter said:


> This morning I got out of the shower and she was there and my dog. I said hello to the dog and not her and it pissed her off and she started at me with "You cannot say hello to me?". Then she goes on to say how we need to just split and get this moving forward. I did not over react and kept calm (which pissed her off even more and said "don't patronize me") and let her know "I was just trying to give her space" as she requested and I said "I don't know what to say", she replied with "you are right you don't ever know what to say" and continued to huff and puff. This upsets me and makes me sad and mad at her for this as I know this is a mind game on me weather she is doing it on purpose or not. Just seems weird why all of a sudden she would be this way this morning. So of course it make my brain have a 100 thoughts a second, that maybe she is wanting to work it out but I upset her. She just walked back in the house and will not look my direction. Real fun this is.


You can say hello with the 180. Just that one word. Not things like "Good morning, It's raining (or hot, or cold, etc) outside. Just "hello" and walk away.

It's hard to do the 180 when you are living in the same home with your cheating spouse. It's hard to do it when you have children. But it can be done. Not saying hello, shows her that you are emotionally hurt. Don't show her emotions. Just a matter of fact "Hello" or "Good Morning" and walk away.

_"Then she goes on to say how we need to just split and get this moving forward. "_ --- you replied _"I was just trying to give her space"_, this is explaining yourself. Do not explain yourself. Keep it as short as possible, something like "_Ok"_. And walk away. Learn to walk away when she is wanting to interact with you.

You said _"I don't know what to say"_, she replied with _"you are right you don't ever know what to say"_ ... she will do this sort of nonsense to try to get an emotional rise out of you. She wants you to act like you love her and car for her and accept her bad choices. She wants that because she needs validation that what she is doing it acceptable behavior. It's not. So don't validate her. Instead of saying remarks like this, say nothing. Don't feed the monster. Just walk away from her.

She's acting that way this morning because she has already pickup up that you are pulling away from her. See, with an affair she needs both you and her affair partner to get her emotional needs met (the book goes into this). When you pull way with the 180 she's suddenly left with only half her needs met. Think of it as a two course meal. He's the salad.. it's a rotten salad and she knows it. You are the wonderful plate of the main course. With the 180 you take away the main course and she's left with the rotten salad. Most affair fall apart after the spouse starts the 180. It might take time but they do. The way you have described the guy as being an abuser, as she starts demanding more emotional support from him, he's going to dump her because he's not ready to give anyone much of anything. Look how he treats his wife. You need for that affair to end even if you don't stay with her because you don't want your children subjected to that guy, he sounds like a horrible person.



Lifeafter said:


> During this time I want to try and work on myself and feel better about everything. I am not sure what the rules are with this separation thing, do I start talking to other women or what?


No you do not start talking to other women. That should be the last thing on your mind. You need to settle your marriage situation before you even think of other women. If you start having an affair.. well it's called adultery. You will be handing your wife a 'get out of jail free' card. If the two of you end up recovering your marriage, you will have two affairs to heal from instead of one.

Working on yourself does not mean talking to other women and dating, etc. It means focusing on yourself. Do you have a regular workout routine that you do? If not start one. Even if it's a long walk every day. Join a gym if you think it's safe right now. Or ride a bike miles a day. Or go buy a stationary bike and ride it every day while watching shows on netflix.

Get some individual counseling. That gives you someone nutural to talk to about all this. Find out why you are so willing to let your wife walk all over you.

Also, buy a book on boundary setting. There are several available on Amazon and other book sellers. Learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself. For example_ "I will not stay in a relationship in which my wife does not contribute equal to her percentage of joint income to finances." _Another one _"I will not tolerate being spoken to in a rude manner."_ A boundary is a limit on what you will tolerate, it's not a limit on her behavior. You are the only person you can control or fix. Instead it tells you what you will do if she (or anyone) crosses one of your boundaries. For example if she starts talking to you in a rude manner just say something like _"We can talk when you can be civil."_ and walk away from her. If she follows you tell her to get away from you. Go to a room by yourself or go out for a while for a walk, a bike ride, whatever. Take your children with you if you can. Just get away from her.



Lifeafter said:


> Do I tell my Parents and get advise from them? My Parents split when I was 7 so they have gone through this as well. Funny thing is my Mom will to this day say how much she wish she could be with my Dad again but it grosses me out to hear this now as I am 46 and have known this life so long it seems weird to hear. The only person that knows about this is her Mom as I went to her about this. We have been together for this long, she has become a mother and friend to me as well and is easy to talk to. She and I when we do talk, she allows me to speak and never takes a side and she wants it to work out for us and is as heart broken as I am. Do I continue to talk to her as well?


Yes you tell your family, her family, and your friends. You ask them to help you convince her to end the affair. What to say and how to go about it is talked about in the book "Surviving an Affair".



Lifeafter said:


> When telling the kids how do we approach it? I know I cannot sit there and throw her under the bus but what do I say to them if they ask me to try and work it out with her? I want to tell them "I have and want to but she is the one that does not want to". The kids are our world and this is one thing we do agree on. I do feel I am the one that does more quality time with them in terms of playing with them and being there to take them where ever they need to be. She is just not that type of person but I know she loves them.


Again the book talks about how and what to tell the kids.



Lifeafter said:


> I am sure I will have 100 more questions after this but thank you in advance to any and all for any advice you can give. Some days I feel good and positive with what is happening and knowing I have my kids but other days it scares me to know this could be over and never be the same again. No mater what, I am going to try and stay positive for me and the kids, weather that ends with us together or apart.


Just about all these questions and more are answered in the book I suggested you get. There is too much detail in how to handle it and why to do particular things for us to lay out for you here. I'm not trying to sell a book. No one on this site makes any money off you buying the book. It's just one that helped me a LOT when my husband cheated and one that I've seen help a lot of people over the years. Of course once you read the book, you can come here for more support.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lifeafter said:


> This morning something just felt off with her and me. To be honest I am not sure I have said hello to her in the mornings really. Not that I have gone out of my way to say hello either or dodge her either. I have not tried being a jerk though any of this and have tried to be there for her but feel conflicted with anything I try to do or say with her. I feel like I should be texting to say I am sorry for this morning but then feel I do not owe her anything and if she is upset let her be. So I am a mess still and with no one to talk to and when I do with her it just upsets her even more at me. I am ready for something to change at the same time I am too scared to let her leave.


No, do not apologize. You did nothing wrong.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lifeafter said:


> I am scared of it all. I am not the type of person that likes to date and meet new people especially emotional relationships. That has always scared me. I am scared for my kids as I came from a divorced family and it is hard. I am scared of my financial situation and how to afford everything moving forward and feel I may not get my kids if I am not able to provide a good place for them to live. So I am scared of it all. This is not to say I don’t Have thoughts that I could be better off without her as well. So it is a lot of emotions running through my head. I am also a very indecisive person in everything I do. The what if has always plagued me in everything I do.


Does your wife earn more than you do now? If she does, she will be paying you child support and maybe even alimony.

Update your resume and start job hunting. There are companies hiring right now.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Does your wife earn more than you do now? If she does, she will be paying you child support and maybe even alimony.
> 
> Update your resume and start job hunting. There are companies hiring right now.


Thank you so much for all this. I will get that book you mentioned. I think this is something I could use right now. I am sure I will post another question any moment as this has really been the only other people I have been able to talk to about this. Talking to her Mother is great but she is like me and not wanting me to let her go or us split up and she is not sure what the right thing for us to do on this.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

and get one of these books about divorce., you'll need it.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

As I said I would make another post and I am sure I will be told this is the wrong thing to be doing but I did text her today and just asked and I have not apologized for anything and just let her know I was in a funk this morning and Just told her "I felt off" this morning and is the reason I was not saying hello. I know I do not owe her anything but I am sure you all know it is hard especially since we live together still. 

She then started texting me like crazy saying she "lost control and shouldn't have". She did go on to say "we should take the next step and move forward with things". She goes on to talk about how hard it is going to be to tell the kids and how she does love them and how she does not want to abandon me since I am going through a tough time with my job right now. and that she is truly sorry for hurting me. 

I did reply just letting her know, I know she loves her kids and this is makes it the hardest part about not working it out or even trying, at least for the kids.

She replied back with "I don't think we can recover from this" and that she wants to see us both happy. I let know I still love her and want to at least try to make it work. She has replied back that she is sorry for being the person she has always hated.... and just wants to see me happy with someone that would not do this to me.

I left it with a long text back saying I hate she did what she did but I am willing to work it out or at least try. As now there is nothing left to hide from one another. I went on but never begging just being matter a fact about wanting her to at least really try for once and not just sweep it under a rug as we have always done with other problems in the past. I let her know I still love her and hope she will really think about this for us and our family.

I am sure I breaking every rule in the book but I feel better for now just knowing I got this off my chest one last time and put it back on her.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

You haven't had sex for over a year...?? You have been "grumpy" with eachother for that long as well...??
It sounds to me like your wife has probably felt lonely for a VERY long time, then her father dies (which is an emotionally devastating thing to go through), and clearly she seemed to feel emotionally unsupported by you even more.

Her comment to you about you never knowing what to say, sounds to me like she is justifying to herself the reasons that it's a good idea for her to give up on you. I don't think she's felt like her needs have been met with you for a LONG time.

I am not saying you are at fault with any of this, I'm just stating what I'm hearing from your posts. And you should know that if I'm correct, it's almost impossible to restore a relationship from this point. She has no sense of TRUST in you, that you care about meeting her needs, that you love her, that she matters to you...and I don't think there is any way to rebuild emotional trust once it's been damaged or destroyed. She is unapologetic about her affair, that means she must feel completely detached from you and justified in finding someone else to meet her needs. 

It sounds to me like you are both victims of the difficult situations in your life and marriage. I think going forward you need to be strong for yourself and your kids, and consider that your marriage is already over, and work on divorcing in the most positive way possible.

Stop gazing longingly at the things you wish you could have (your marriage, your business, the life you wanted), and create and be grateful for the life that you CAN have. Drop the things that aren't working for you, and reach for the things that WILL work.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Find the most aggressive divorce attorney in your area.
Hire him/her. Follow their advice to the letter.
File. You sound unsure as to whether or not you want to save things.
The advantage of this is at this point, you will know what you have.
She probably doesn't think you have the guts to file. Show her up.
If by some chance she wants to R, tell her the price of exploring that is a postnup that is favorable to you.
You did nothing wrong. She is the one that stepped out. If it is to be fixed, it is incumbent upon her to do the heavy lifting and the work to become a safe spouse.
She needs to accept responsibility and show true remorse if you give her another chance.
If she's not with the program, let your attorney complete the task.
Do what is in the best interest of you and your kids. That needs to be your focus.
You and your kids deserve better. Demand it.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Lifeafter said:


> As I said I would make another post and I am sure I will be told this is the wrong thing to be doing but I did text her today and just asked and I have not apologized for anything and just let her know I was in a funk this morning and Just told her "I felt off" this morning and is the reason I was not saying hello. I know I do not owe her anything but I am sure you all know it is hard especially since we live together still.
> 
> She then started texting me like crazy saying she "lost control and shouldn't have". She did go on to say "we should take the next step and move forward with things". She goes on to talk about how hard it is going to be to tell the kids and how she does love them and how she does not want to abandon me since I am going through a tough time with my job right now. and that she is truly sorry for hurting me.
> 
> ...


You need to get off defense.
When she says "I don't think........", she is testing you.
See what happens when she is put in reactive mode.
You need to look forward, and assume the leadership role in things.
Put it back on her, and let her watch you make the separation.
Make sure the kids know that is happening, and make sure they understand that this is all on her.
Set the example for your kids.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Lifeafter said:


> I am scared of it all. I am not the type of person that likes to date and meet new people especially emotional relationships. That has always scared me. I am scared for my kids as I came from a divorced family and it is hard. I am scared of my financial situation and how to afford everything moving forward and feel I may not get my kids if I am not able to provide a good place for them to live. So I am scared of it all. This is not to say I don’t Have thoughts that I could be better off without her as well. So it is a lot of emotions running through my head. I am also a very indecisive person in everything I do. The what if has always plagued me in everything I do.











Fear is the Mind-Killer: A Sci-Fi Novel Teaches Us How to Conquer Fear


Not everyone is familiar with Frank Herbert’s Sci-Fi masterpiece Dune, but we all know fear.




medium.com


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> You haven't had sex for over a year...?? You have been "grumpy" with eachother for that long as well...??
> It sounds to me like your wife has probably felt lonely for a VERY long time, then her father dies (which is an emotionally devastating thing to go through), and clearly she seemed to feel emotionally unsupported by you even more.
> 
> Her comment to you about you never knowing what to say, sounds to me like she is justifying to herself the reasons that it's a good idea for her to give up on you. I don't think she's felt like her needs have been met with you for a LONG time.
> ...


I see where you are coming from as much as it hurts to hear. I feel we got to a point of just trying to go back at the other instead of working things out and I am the worlds worst in communication. I hate confrontations and arguments as much as they may be needed sometimes.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Well I’m glad for only one thing... you feel like you got it off your chest.

Now that you completely did the opposite of what was advised ... you really need to understand how you are only hurting YOURSELF.

Have you noticed how many times she is the one talking about moving on? Go back and read my other post. She has been finished with you for a long time. She has already moved on. There is nothing left to save.
It is tough .....YES. You will not begin healing until you set your mind to the fact that she is finished.

STOP ENGAGING HER!!!


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

this^ DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH HER UNLESS ITS ABOUT THE KIDS OR DIVORCE. 
If you need to get something off your chest, don't do it with her! She's loving the attention, and you ARE destroying yourself in her eyes. STOP NOW! File TODAY!


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Sbrown said:


> this^ DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH HER UNLESS ITS ABOUT THE KIDS OR DIVORCE.
> If you need to get something off your chest, don't do it with her! She's loving the attention, and you ARE destroying yourself in her eyes. STOP NOW! File TODAY!


This.

If you need to talk, come here. Spill your guts. Plenty of people here with wonderful advice and suggestions and just an ear.

She is done. You should be too.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Lifeafter said:


> She has replied back that she is sorry for being the person she has always hated.... and just wants to see me happy with someone that would not do this to me.
> 
> I left it with a long text back saying I hate she did what she did but I am willing to work it out or at least try.


She is telling you very clearly that she is not interested in working things out. In response, you are offering working things out.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Tdbo said:


> Find the most aggressive divorce attorney in your area.
> Hire him/her. Follow their advice to the letter.
> File. You sound unsure as to whether or not you want to save things.
> The advantage of this is at this point, you will know what you have.
> ...


You are giving his aggressive advise for revange. He will spend thousands of dollars on "best aggressive" attorney. This is not always the best option. He needs to put emotions on side and start learning about process of divorce with cool head. 

It sounds to me like she would be willing to work toward amicable divorce, which is always better. There are laws and rules who gets what, and they still apply, but you are using your attorney to consult and overview, not to fight you to the court, for who knows how much money. 

This book can be very helpful.:





__





All Results | divorce and money







www.nolo.com


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sigh. You want the female perspective on what you did? That was a total doormat move on your part. You are doing the “pick me” dance and that’s never attractive to women. She has zero respect for you. Z.E.R.O. I don’t ever use the term “man up” but you absolutely need to — for yourself.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Dude .... if not me then listen to the ladies. They are giving you the female devinci code ...... she is DONE !!

Your making yourself look pathetic.... which is only going to make her puke a little in her mouth when you speak. Stop shooting yourself in the foot and take her divorce olive branch while she is still offering it.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

WandaJ said:


> You are giving his aggressive advise for revange. He will spend thousands of dollars on "best aggressive" attorney. This is not always the best option. He needs to put emotions on side and start learning about process of divorce with cool head.
> 
> It sounds to me like she would be willing to work toward amicable divorce, which is always better. There are laws and rules who gets what, and they still apply, but you are using your attorney to consult and overview, not to fight you to the court, for who knows how much money.
> 
> ...


Never cheap out on legal counsel.
It could potentially cost more in the long run.
Better to have big guns and not use them (or ratchet back) than to be under represented.
If it turns out to be amicable, they can handle certain functions themselves (and save $ that way.)


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

All my f


Tdbo said:


> Never cheap out on legal counsel.
> It could potentially cost more in the long run.
> Better to have big guns and not use them (or ratchet back) than to be under represented.
> If it turns out to be amicable, they can handle certain functions themselves (and save $ that way.)


all my friends who chose to fight their spouses, ended up spending a lot of money And tge end result was similar to what their spouse offered at the beginning (because it was fair and legal). 

you still need a lawyer but you can figure out many things yourself instead if paying lawyers to do it.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

Well just an update. My wife was upstairs in bed crying. I asked how she was but did not beg. I just told her with no real emotion that I know it is over and I am ready to be done and tell the kids. She wants to wait till tomorrow and I am fine with this I guess but at this moment I feel it is the right choice to make. I am at the moment ready to get this started. I know I will have weak moments and probably self sabotage myself at some point but will try to stay strong. I am going to try and get those books tonight if there is a digital version and start reading. Wish me luck and to stay strong.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Lifeafter said:


> Well just an update. My wife was upstairs in bed crying. I asked how she was but did not beg. I just told her with no real emotion that I know it is over and I am ready to be done and tell the kids. She wants to wait till tomorrow and I am fine with this I guess but at this moment I feel it is the right choice to make. I am at the moment ready to get this started. I know I will have weak moments and probably self sabotage myself at some point but will try to stay strong. I am going to try and get those books tonight if there is a digital version and start reading. Wish me luck and to stay strong.


I am sorry and good luck. Be prepared for long and painful process, and a lot of emotions. Build up support for yourself - friend, family member, counselor, even TAM. You can not understimate the value of having someone to talk to you during this. I am starting that process myself, and it's gonna be hell of a ride.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Good luck !! Hang in there and read the books. 👍


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Lifeafter said:


> Well just an update. My wife was upstairs in bed crying. I asked how she was but did not beg. I just told her with no real emotion that I know it is over and I am ready to be done and tell the kids. She wants to wait till tomorrow and I am fine with this I guess but at this moment I feel it is the right choice to make. I am at the moment ready to get this started. I know I will have weak moments and probably self sabotage myself at some point but will try to stay strong. I am going to try and get those books tonight if there is a digital version and start reading. Wish me luck and to stay strong.


Oh, GOOD LUCK...I know it seems dark right now, but you WILL get to the other side!


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

Thank you everyone. 
When talking to our kids is there a good way to do this? I don’t think we should talk about her wrong doings but worry when they start asking questions?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Maybe your wife and you should first seek professional counseling on how and what to tell the kids.

Yes, I’d agree her wrong doings should not be told to them (except maybe as adults).

Offhand, I’d think it extremely important to convey that although it’s best you and their mom just be friends, and love between grownups sometimes changes, the love between parent and child does not change — that you or her are not going to abandon them, and you both love them very very much.

Im no expert. But maybe you need one.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

PieceOfSky said:


> Maybe your wife and you should first seek professional counseling on how and what to tell the kids.
> 
> Yes, I’d agree her wrong doings should not be told to them (except maybe as adults).
> 
> ...


Thanks and it seems my feelings are inline with yours. My kids are very young and we need to tell them but I feel they do not need to know every detail and I am not wanting to try and make them pick a side as this has nothing to do with them causing any of this.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Lifeafter, this isn't cold though it may come across that way.

The time to get divorced is when you can't afford it. You have nothing to lose. Imagine you had tens of millions in the bank, a huge gorgeous dream home you loved, and a thriving business. Man, what a nightmare to divorce with all that complexity!!!

Also, when she is offering to be really generous is a great time to get divorced! I think a lot of us here have been in that situation, though perhaps on her side rather than yours. At one point I was _so_ ready to *just be done *that I would have given most everything away in the divorce.

She obviously just wants the marriage over, and quickly. This tells you she is serious. Also it is a warning not to try to talk her into staying, because she will later regret it and then she'll leave. You're on the right course with the 180, but I also think when someone does what she has done and says what she has, the writing is on the wall. Just let her go.

Many of us have been strung along only to many years later end up divorced anyways.

As far as kids, they are far better off with 2 happy parents who are divorced rather than being in an unhappy dysfunctional home with married parents. Toxicity that they see, whether you stay married or are divorced, is the problem.

You need to talk to an atty immediately to find out how things generally go in your location under your circumstances. We don't know your local laws and judges. Your state's official website will give you some data, but a lawyer is better. Take a free consultation.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Lifeafter said:


> Thanks and it seems my feelings are inline with yours. My kids are very young and we need to tell them but I feel they do not need to know every detail and I am not wanting to try and make them pick a side as this has nothing to do with them causing any of this.


When my parents divorced I was an adult. Still, I think the best thing was when my dad said he wanted us kids to have the best possible relationship with our mother, and that the problems in their relationship were none of our business or fault. The marriage is between the parents. Our relationships with our parents are separate from their marriage.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lifeafter said:


> Thank you everyone.
> When talking to our kids is there a good way to do this? I don’t think we should talk about her wrong doings but worry when they start asking questions?


You do need to be honest with them so that they continue to trust you, but you need to do this in an age appropriate way.

You could say something like:
Mommy had a boyfriend, and when you are married, you are not supposed to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, so we are not going to stay married.
NO need to go into details with the kids -- when they get older, if they have questions, you can go more into it then.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> You do need to be honest with them so that they continue to trust you, but you need to do this in an age appropriate way.
> 
> You could say something like:
> Mommy had a boyfriend, and when you are married, you are not supposed to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, so we are not going to stay married.
> NO need to go into details with the kids -- when they get older, if they have questions, you can go more into it then.


there is completely no need to tell that children, now or ever. This is between parents.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@WandaJ (and OP),

I politely disagree, because it's not just between the parents. The children lose their home, their room, their neighborhood, their current family unit...sometimes their school and their friends and their pets! If the parents don't talk to them and tell them why all this is happening, children will make up something in their own little head that usually involves them being bad or being unloved. Often, it's something like "Mom and Dad live in different houses because I'm bad."

So telling the children offers two things: 1) life lesson, 2) a reason in their head of why it happened.

I would suggest saying something like: "Mommy had a boyfriend, and I believe when two people get married, they promise to love only each other. So since we believe so differently, I (or you can say 'we' if both of you want to divorce) have decided to not stay married." The reason being that you aren't speaking to what Mommy believes or being disparaging--you are just stating what YOU believe and why you have decided to not stay married. Even young kids can understand "Oh if you're married you promised to love only each other. If you have a boyfriend that's breaking a promise" and will realize it's not THEM that's causing the family to change.

I also think it would be helpful to give them an idea of what it may be like in the future...because they have NO IDEA how to even envision Mom and Dad in different places. So saying something like "After a divorce, things will be different but that's okay. You will have a room in mom's house and dad's house, and you'll still go to school and have friends, but at night, you'll spend some nights at mom's and other nights at dad's. And we'll still go to all your sports or plays or school performances, but I may be in one row and your mom might be in another row. Both of us will still love you just the same. All that's changing is that mom and dad believe so differently that we have decided to not stay married."


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Affaircare said:


> @WandaJ (and OP),
> 
> I politely disagree, because it's not just between the parents. The children lose their home, their room, their neighborhood, their current family unit...sometimes their school and their friends and their pets! If the parents don't talk to them and tell them why all this is happening, children will make up something in their own little head that usually involves them being bad or being unloved. Often, it's something like "Mom and Dad live in different houses because I'm bad."
> 
> So telling the children offers two things: 1) life lesson, 2) a reason in their head of why it happened.


These are young children. You put your problems on your children to make yourself feel better?

And they are not divorcing because she has someone. He was ready to forgive and continue marriage. They are divorcing becuase she wants divorce anyway.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

My kids were in the same age range when I told them why mom and dad were fighting so much, separating, why mom was so sad (she was actually in a psych ward), etc. I talked to a children's therapist first, and I advise you to do the same. 

Kids DO need to know what is going on. They need a reason that makes sense, without that they will try to find a reason themselves. They will think mom and dad divorced because they were naughty, or something along those lines. It's not enough to say that's not true... they need honesty and something to relate to. If you tell them something like "mom and dad drifted apart" or "mom and dad didn't get along", what does that teach them? Nothing good, AND it's confusing as all hell. 

You do not need to go into detail, keep it *age-appropriate* and *relatable*. 

The intent is NOT to turn them against the other parent. If you tell the kids that their mom/dad is a bad person, guess what? The kids will think they are bad people too because they are a part of that "bad" parent. 

This is how the conversation with my two older kids went. For the record, my wife had a LTA (well, two) and an affair child (who I raised). So the conversation reflects that and is just an example for you. Also, my kids already knew what sex was and its purpose. 

_"When your mom and I married we made rules, and one of those rules was promising to only love each other. Sometimes moms or dads make mistakes and break those rules. Mom broke that rule and loved someone else in a way that she only should have loved me. Even though she loved him very much and was happy, it was still breaking a rule. Mom's and dad's use sex to show each other how much they love each other and they can make a baby that way. Your mom and (AP) loved each other so much that they made a baby, (sister), and they (mom and AP) love you very much. I love (sister) very much too. Your mom and dad didn't stay together because the rule is that a mom and dad can only love one other mom or dad at a time, and mom was married to me. Because mom broke a rule she was sad about it and scared to tell me the truth, so she lied about it to me. She stopped her relationship with (AP) because she didn't want me to know about it, because she didn't want me to be disappointed or sad, and didn't want to get in trouble. She wanted to hide breaking the rule but didn't want to hide (sister). Mom wanted to take responsibility for her poor decision to break the rule but wasn't quite sure how to do that." _

Then I talked about rules I broke (being mean, yelling) and why I broke them (why I was so upset/angry) because kids need to know there are two sides and both parents can make mistakes. 

They were not harmed by the conversation, it helped them. A lot. It was said in a way that they could relate to... making promises, breaking promises, hiding it, lying about it, hurt feelings, being angry because of the hurt, etc. It helped them understand that they were not to blame and there wasn't some crazy reason for what was going on. 

When it comes to them asking questions, our rule for everything has always been "if they are old enough to ask, they are old enough to know". Think about it this way. A 3 year old might ask where babies come from, you say "mommies tummy" and they are totally satisfied with that answer. A year goes by and they ask "well how does it get in there" and you say "mom has an egg and dad has a seed", and then they are satisfied with that. And on, and on. Get it? If they ask a question you don't give them to full answer, you answer their question with as little information needed to satisfy their curiosity. When my kids ask questions about what their mom did (it rarely happens now), I send them to their mom with the question. Why? Because unless it's about MY feelings, experience, etc. it's her story to tell.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> These are young children. You put your problems on your children to make yourself feel better?


Trust me, if done correctly there is NOTHING about that conversation that makes the parent feel better. I wanted to puke the whole way through it because having to talk to my kids in a safe, age-appropriate way was not pleasant for me but they needed to know. Again, it helped them a lot and I have no regrets. 

The way I talked to the kids was approved by 3 children's therapists, my IC, a therapist at a psychiatric hospital, a psychiatrist, and a social worker.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Well @WandaJ the OP asked "When talking to our kids is there a good way to do this? I don’t think we should talk about her wrong doings but worry when they start asking questions?"

I answered and gave my opinion. As I understand it, the children are 10, 8, and 4. Even 4yo's understand "being married = love only each other" but probably little beyond that. In addition, a 4yo is very much old enough to understand that they will be moving, losing their room, losing their school or friends or pets. Things will be changing for the children, even the youngest one, and I think that being honest is the best policy. That doesn't mean every detail because in real life, they are not old enough to understand it all. But in my opinion it does mean giving them some information so they can form an understanding of what happened and why...something that does not involve them taking the blame AND that makes sense to a child. 

See...saying something like "We are divorcing because we drifted apart" or "...because we don't get along" won't make sense to even a 10yo because they can't leave a teacher they don't like "because they drifted apart" or bully another kid on the block "because they don't get along." And yes, adults can do some things that kids can't but we aren't trying to teach them "Do as I say, not as I do." We're trying to formulate this in a way that will make sense to them. Ah...here's why this is happening. 

And if you see it differently, that's your opinion. We don't have to agree. This is just my opinion. @Lifeafter is an adult and can look over both viewpoints and choose whatever seems wisest!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

bobert said:


> Trust me, if done correctly there is NOTHING about that conversation that makes the parent feel better. I wanted to puke the whole way through it because having to talk to my kids in a safe, age-appropriate way was not pleasant for me but they needed to know. Again, it helped them a lot and I have no regrets.
> 
> The way I talked to the kids was approved by 3 children's therapists, my IC, a therapist at a psychiatric hospital, a psychiatrist, and a social worker.





bobert said:


> Trust me, if done correctly there is NOTHING about that conversation that makes the parent feel better. I wanted to puke the whole way through it because having to talk to my kids in a safe, age-appropriate way was not pleasant for me but they needed to know. Again, it helped them a lot and I have no regrets.
> 
> The way I talked to the kids was approved by 3 children's therapists, my IC, a therapist at a psychiatric hospital, a psychiatrist, and a social worker.


My reply was not to you direclty. I am saying that children do not need to know all the details of their parents problems. There are ways to talk about divorce that does not have to do that. I did not say to my children that I am divorcing my husband because he was a bully, and I just had enough. We said that we tried to work things out for a very long time but it didn't work. And this is not their fault, we will always love them and we will always be there for them.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> My reply was not to you direclty. I am saying that children do not need to know all the details of their parents problems. There are ways to talk about divorce that does not have to do that. I did not say to my children that I am divorcing my husband because he was a bully, and I just had enough. We said that we tried to work things out for a very long time but it didn't work. And this is not their fault, we will always love them and we will always be there for them.


I know your reply was not directed towards me, but since I have been down the path I decided to respond anyway. You are assuming that a parent tells the kids so that they (the parent) feels better. There are some parents that do that, want to turn the kids against the other parent, etc. but it is certainly not the case every time.

I had this conversation with my kids a year and a half ago. It has not harmed them at all, what harmed them was not knowing WTF was going on.

In _your opinion_, kids do not need to know the details. In _my opinion _(and the opinions of many professionals), the kids do need to know. End of story really. You are entitled to your opinion. I am entitled to mine. The professionals have their educated opinions. The OP is entitled to his as well.

There is a difference between knowing the _cause _and knowing the _details_. They don't need to hear "mommy was out getting ****ed up the ass by Timmy's dad every Friday night and doing part-time shifts at the titty bar on Tooney Tueday".


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

bobert said:


> In _your opinion_, kids do not need to know the details. In _my opinion _(and the opinions of many professionals), the kids do need to know. End of story really. You are entitled to your opinion. I am entitled to mine. The professionals have their educated opinions. The OP is entitled to his as well.


Kids do need to know to certain extend. I guess we differ in where the line is. That's ok.

Let's not hijack OP thread. He has enough going on as it is without us adding more drama


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i would be clear with others that she is cheating as well. don''t let her get away with that. and remind her one day the kids will be told the truth


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Be strong. Seek legal advice. Do not hold onto regrets. None of us is perfect. Become the person you wish to be--or as close as possible.

Folks have a strange way of bouncing back to past GFs/BFs. Then they usually remember why it did not work.

Your wife cheated, lied, disrespected, left you. You wanted the woman you thought she was, but surely you do not what she is now. This was her choice. NO doing it for the kids. When she comes back, be firm and do not subject your kids to her drivel. Live as a model to the kids. This takes a great deal of courage, but I'm thinking it is within you. Come here when you need to. Pick choices that resonate with you. We all have our biases. Good wishes.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Just leave them out of all the details. I don't know how old they are, but unless they're full grown adults, you can't confide in them or involve them. You tell them together as a united front and just be brief and say you're divorcing and that it has nothing to do with them except that you both wish it didn't have to be that way but that you want them to realize they are still going to see both of you separately as much or more than they ever did. The main thing is to spell it out that no one is disappearing or going to be in their lives less. Let them know living arrangements as you find out and just tell them you will do that. If they're staying with the house you have now, tell them that because they just want to know how it affects them. 

If they ask don't you love each other anymore, you both say you'll always love the other one because if not for them, they wouldn't have such great kids, but that you aren't as happy living together anymore. 

If they start getting real nosy, just tell them, Hey, this is not for you to worry about. This is between me and your mother to work out and "it's adult problems." Set that boundary and don't break it.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Lifeafter said:


> Thanks and it seems my feelings are inline with yours. My kids are very young and we need to tell them but I feel they do not need to know every detail and I am not wanting to try and make them pick a side as this has nothing to do with them causing any of this.


Well, here's something to remember. They are going to be more concerned about how it affects them, rather than you, particularly the younger ones. They will be worried about the unknown. Where will they sleep? Where will they go to school? Who will take care of them? 
It's the normal reaction of kids that age. Sure, they are worried about their parents. But their main concern is about how their world will change. It's how brains that age work.

And do NOT concede any custody arrangements to your wife. SHE is the one who created this situation. Frankly, I think the best situation is that YOU get custody, stay in the house with the kids, and SHE move off to be with lover-boy. That would be least disruptive to the kids. 

You need an attorney who will back you on this.

And it may be smart to get some "free initial consultations" from the most aggressive pit-bull divorce lawyers in your town. That way, they will be off-limits to your wife when she starts looking for an attorney. YOU need to move first though. Wallowing in your self-pity (and I mean that instructively, not insultingly) will make you lose the initiative.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

Just an update and maybe I will make this a multi post as I just finished writing this and I am all over the place, LOL.
I am about half way through Surviving An Affair. It is a good book and up to this point it is only talking about working the marriage out. This would be my goal of course. It also talks in the book that you should tell the kids why in an age appropriate way along with everyone you know, even her family and friends. In the book it is crazy how my story to a point is the main story of the book with Jon and Sue. I am reading this as if I am reading my own life story up to the point of her moving out. That is another thing that freaks me the hell out is if she leaves it will give her the opportunity to be with him. I know this could happen even if she never moves out but the unknowing/knowing what is going to happen is so scary. The thought of your wife with another man in that way. I will leave with this, that she has stressed to me that they never had sex even though they had plenty of chances. That if she leaves it is not to run to the arms of the other guy but to work on her self and to try to get back to a happy place for herself. I told her and know in my heart this would/eventually happen, her being with him.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

The above being said she and I have talked more some good talks and some back slide on my part but I feel this is to be expected. I am trying to be strong but this is really F***ing hard. I want to stay strong but at the same time I want to talk to her. I did ask her/tell her I am going to set an appointment with a marriage councilor and if she shows she shows. I feel I need this for myself and hopefully help her as well.
I know this could be a total lie on her part but she does stress to me that she does not know what she is doing and feels like she is in depression and not the same person anymore or how to get back to that person. I did tell her she needs to talk to someone to try and get help regardless of us working it out. 
I also let her know that she is truly not making this decision on her own and that I know she is getting talked into this/supported from the other guy. She would not deny or confirm but said nothing, just stared off, telling me I'm right without any words. 
She only said we were not right before this happened and I said I agree but that she should honestly cut ties with the other guy long enough to know if this is the right thing to be doing or not. She needs to make the choice for herself and with no additional influence. I know this is easier said than done as she has not stopped talking to the other guy yet and why would she if she is getting the emotional support she is longing for.
I feel even as self destructing this is for me to be talking with her, I love her,my kids/family unit to this point and beyond. I tell her that she, me and her kids deserve this and should make every effort to at least try and if it does not work out, it does not work out but at least we least we tried.
I know I should be playing the 180 mind games for my self but feel this is what a husband should do for the one he loves and his kids/family. I know I will get bashed for this but trying to stay honest with everyone on this forum so I get honest responses. I have not been begging but trying to just stress that a marriage should try everything possible before making that final decision.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

Last post for now. She asked me yesterday if she needs to get a Lawyer and I said no and that I would hope we can work this out between ourselves but now I am having conflicting thoughts on this. Not to dangle the kids over her head but feel I should be trying to keep the kids with me in hopes that if she leaves it will really make her open her eyes to what she is doing. I know this probably sounds like more "poor me" attitude and that I should probably just walk away from the marriage. When she asked if I was going to try and keep the kids from her I said only if you are seeing that guy. She got real upset and said this is going to get messy. I just tried to stress to her that this is the one thing that is the deal breaker for me on the kids.
He is not a good person and for what he has done to her in the past and has now got her back at a weak point in her life, I cannot allow this. I refuse to have my kids be around someone that could do things to their mother even if it has been 25 years or so ago. I feel it is not going to be a good environment for anyone. Your thoughts.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I would remind her that of course it will get messy because she is cheating and this is effecting the well-being of the children...sorry but lawyer up.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Somehow I thought that her affair is over. If she is still with the guy you need a lawyer, just because of the imbalance of 2 against 1. She has someone to help her figure out things, brainstorm ideas, you are all alone. You need someone on your side - you two can still communicate as much as possible to lower the time the lawyers will bill -but you need it because process is overwhelming.
i am In similar situation -my STBX is already dating and getting advise from someone with financial knowledge, and I am by myself.
to read up more on others posters here advise on lawyers you can check my thread in Going through divorce “Let’s talk about lawyers“.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

Thank you both and I am feeling it is best to get a lawyer. I am just so financially stretched at the moment and not to mention we have joint everything. So if I pay a lawyer it is there for her to see. I may try to ask a family member for help with this if possible.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Lifeafter said:


> Thank you both and I am feeling it is best to get a lawyer. I am just so financially stretched at the moment and not to mention we have joint everything. So if I pay a lawyer it is there for her to see. I may try to ask a family member for help with this if possible.


I don't think you need to hide it, athough you know best. You can just tell her that you think it is best if each of you consult a lawyer and go from there. That's how we did it.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

Well too late! She could tell I was doing something and when I was leaving the house for work she just dismissed me. I knew something was wrong and asked and she blew up knowing I was doing something shady. She asked me to tell her if I was going to get a Lawyer so she could be prepared. I told I could not tell her that. So now she is upset and started getting very angry and our poor kids know something is up for sure now. She was wanting to just move forward and tell everyone and get this started. This kills me for the fact last night I had her to agree for us to at least see a counselor. She even talked about maybe she needs to do like me and start reading and watching some videos about how to get better. Now I know this is probably out the window but I will keep trying. Out of love for her, I texted her mom to reach out to her to make sure she is Ok. regardless of what she has done to me she needs to talk to someone. I know I am hopeless in this but my world is my family and that includes her still at this point.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Why are you keeping seeing lawyer a secret? She asked for divorce, this is a consequence. You can tell her that you are seeing a lawyer so you know what to expect. Doesn't mean you are starting a process yet.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

I was keeping it from her because she asked me the day before if we needed to get Lawyers or if we were going to try and do this peacefully. I had agreed to this but everything I am reading from you all and everything else says to have one. So I was just inquiring about one. She did text me saying maybe we should go ahead and both get one and that she understands why I am doing it. I know this is an excuse from for her but I do see she is in turmoil like me but in a different way. She thinks I am looking to screw her out of the kids. I just don't think I can live without my kids especially if the other guy is in the picture. I know this will be very difficult to try and keep them on my own and she is a great Mother as well, except for what she is doing at the moment to the family. All I have asked for is a chance to try and just see if there is anything there. If not I truly understand that it will need to be over as hard as it will be. 
I was able to get us an appointment for tomorrow with a counselor. She has agreed to this at least for now. I was not able to find a sitter for our kids at first and she said lets re-schedule for next week but I said no we need to do this now. I really feel with every day we wait there can be a change of heart. So I pray the person we go and see is good and wakes her up to what she is doing (Me being selfish). So wish me luck.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Lifeafter said:


> I was keeping it from her because she asked me the day before if we needed to get Lawyers or if we were going to try and do this peacefully. I had agreed to this but everything I am reading from you all and everything else says to have one. So I was just inquiring about one. She did text me saying maybe we should go ahead and both get one and that she understands why I am doing it. I know this is an excuse from for her but I do see she is in turmoil like me but in a different way. She thinks I am looking to screw her out of the kids. I just don't think I can live without my kids especially if the other guy is in the picture. I know this will be very difficult to try and keep them on my own and she is a great Mother as well, except for what she is doing at the moment to the family. All I have asked for is a chance to try and just see if there is anything there. If not I truly understand that it will need to be over as hard as it will be.
> I was able to get us an appointment for tomorrow with a counselor. She has agreed to this at least for now. I was not able to find a sitter for our kids at first and she said lets re-schedule for next week but I said no we need to do this now. I really feel with every day we wait there can be a change of heart. So I pray the person we go and see is good and wakes her up to what she is doing (Me being selfish). So wish me luck.


It is worht trying but I really think all this counseling will just prolong your misery. Once someone wants out, things will never be the same. You will never trust her again.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

This may be true and I have told myself and her for us to at least try and see and if not so be it. It is crazy we have had a couple of days this week where we were like best friends again. I know this is probably normal and does not mean much but hope is all I have at the moment. If not I will then make that lonely move to move on. Don't get me wrong I feel this may be a lost cause but this does not mean you do not try everything till the bitter end.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

face it she will not give up this guy for you or her kids so you know where her allegiance is...and i would try to see if you in the legal papers you service for her that under no conditions should your children be around this person and the reasons.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> face it she will not give up this guy for you or her kids so you know where her allegiance is...and i would try to see if you in the legal papers you service for her that under no conditions should your children be around this person and the reasons.


If we don't work out she knows this already. I have told her this will always be my one reason to keep her from her kids. I know I am the one that has been cheated on so I know I am the jealous one in this but I know in my heart, this would be the right thing to do. I would never want to keep the kids from their mother as I know she loves them but me knowing their past I could not live with myself if something was to happen between her and him with my kids around. I have told her I am scared for her as I feel she will be mentally trapped with this guy. I know she is not in a good mental spot at the moment and I know he is feeding her the support she thinks she needs but I feel it will be a regret she will one day realize. I told her last night I cannot stand the thought of her with anyone else especially him. I know I am a sad sap but love makes us do crazy things!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Lifeafter said:


> This may be true and I have told myself and her for us to at least try and see and if not so be it. It is crazy we have had a couple of days this week where we were like best friends again. I know this is probably normal and does not mean much but hope is all I have at the moment. If not I will then make that lonely move to move on. Don't get me wrong I feel this may be a lost cause but this does not mean you do not try everything till the bitter end.


Let me tell you, as someone who has an ex-husband who said all these caring, loving things to me once I said I was leaving after he treated me terribly for 2 years (NOT that you were like my ex!) -- DO NOT get hopeful that anything can come back from the point your wife is at in her feelings with you. I believe her TRUST in how you feel about her and whether she can depend on your emotional care and support is GONE. I have never, not once ever, seen that restored once it's gone. ANYTHING you do that is nice now is going to make her think, "he's nice now, but he won't stay nice, he was nice before and always turned mean again"...I don't believe it is going to affect her feelings for you at all.
TRUST (and respect) are the FOUNDATIONS of love - when those are gone, NOTHING will restore the relationship, because there is nothing to build one on.

You can bring that up in your counseling session with her, but I doubt even that would do anything for HER perceptions of YOU and whether she could trust you again. She may love you with all her heart (like I did with MY ex-husband)...but without emotional TRUST, she has NO interest in wasting any more time with a man who she feels she cannot depend on. 

I am really sorry for what is happening in your marriage, and I'm NOT saying that everything is all your fault, I'm only speaking about HER feelings about you, HER perceptions of what's happened, and what I think they mean.
The time to snap out of your grumpiness to show how much you cared about her would have been months ago when you knew she was unhappy, or when her dad died, or when you knew you guys hadn't made love in months and were drifting further apart. Most of your efforts are now going to be too little, too late to change her mind and her feelings for you...unfortunately. For her, your whole relationship is already gone.

I HOPE that counseling will help, but I've never seen it happen...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Lifeafter said:


> This may be true and I have told myself and her for us to at least try and see and if not so be it. It is crazy we have had a couple of days this week where we were like best friends again. I know this is probably normal and does not mean much but hope is all I have at the moment. If not I will then make that lonely move to move on. Don't get me wrong I feel this may be a lost cause but this does not mean you do not try everything till the bitter end.


There will be ups and downs like this. Since for you this idea of divorce is pretty new, it is even harder. It takes time to accept it. She has been considering this longer, so she is at different stage than you - she has said good bye to your marriage already. 
If you feel like you want to try and give it a shot , try. At least you will be able to say that you did everything you could to keep the marriage. But be realistic. And listen to what she says, instead of assuming you know how she feels. that's a common issue I see here: one spouse thinks that the other is just not feeling himself/herself, but it will eventually figure out that all is good in their marriage. No. She has told you lout and clear that she is done with you, that she wishes all you all the best with somone else. These are the words of someone who moved on.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Lifeafter said:


> If we don't work out she knows this already. I have told her this will always be my one reason to keep her from her kids. I know I am the one that has been cheated on so I know I am the jealous one in this but I know in my heart, this would be the right thing to do. I would never want to keep the kids from their mother as I know she loves them but me knowing their past I could not live with myself if something was to happen between her and him with my kids around. I have told her I am scared for her as I feel she will be mentally trapped with this guy. I know she is not in a good mental spot at the moment and I know he is feeding her the support she thinks she needs but I feel it will be a regret she will one day realize. I told her last night I cannot stand the thought of her with anyone else especially him. I know I am a sad sap but love makes us do crazy things!


Are you certain you have the power to "keep" them from her...?? She is their MOTHER, she has equal rights to them and maybe more than equal, depending on their ages, according to a judge. If you have no PROOF of this guy being a jerk, that's a battle you could lose...with negative consequences for you...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I second what @LisaDiane said. I am also a woman who said that she wants divorce. He scheduled counseling for next day, while dismissing me and belitting me for years. It prolonged marriage for few more years, but we are divorcing. One good thing that came out of the delay - kids are older and understand more.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

It’s amazing the lengths you go to in an attempt to excuse her responsibility of the affair. Desperation stinks...... this is never going to work out for you.

Get the lawyer and take charge. Stop waiting for her approval.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

Man the hard dose of reality is so hard to handle along with everything else. I know you all are being honest and that is all I want but man it hurts to hear. I am a dreamer and for now I just want to try for at least a little longer. I will say you all are right with what you are saying because she even said she new a month or so ago, so yes she is ahead of me in this but not me and just want to do what I can while I can. As for my kids I have no idea if I would get them or not. The only thing with the kids I really want is them to never be around this guy if she chooses to start a relationship with him. I feel it will become a toxic relationship and I would never want them to see their mother in something like that or with a man that helped break their family up.
Also you all are right that I should have done something sooner. This is totally on me and I take full responsibility for this. This last year I will tell you has been very hard on me as well. I get a new great house to only have my income drop at the same time and continue to struggle financially make me feel depressed and less of a man. I was also taking prescribed medication for ADD that helped me become very short with everyone and caused me to have such anxiety. So I was going through my own personal battles but I should have done more and so should she. This is what sucks is we were both in our own personal bad spot with no real support. It just seems like it was the perfect storm for all this to go to hell and now I/we are left to deal with all this.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Lifeafter said:


> Man the hard dose of reality is so hard to handle along with everything else. I know you all are being honest and that is all I want but man it hurts to hear. I am a dreamer and for now I just want to try for at least a little longer. I will say you all are right with what you are saying because she even said she new a month or so ago, so yes she is ahead of me in this but not me and just want to do what I can while I can. As for my kids I have no idea if I would get them or not. The only thing with the kids I really want is them to never be around this guy if she chooses to start a relationship with him. I feel it will become a toxic relationship and I would never want them to see their mother in something like that or with a man that helped break their family up.
> Also you all are right that I should have done something sooner. This is totally on me and I take full responsibility for this. This last year I will tell you has been very hard on me as well. I get a new great house to only have my income drop at the same time and continue to struggle financially make me feel depressed and less of a man. I was also taking prescribed medication for ADD that helped me become very short with everyone and caused me to have such anxiety. So I was going through my own personal battles but I should have done more and so should she. This is what sucks is we were both in our own personal bad spot with no real support. It just seems like it was the perfect storm for all this to go to hell and now I/we are left to deal with all this.


Yeah it sucks but no miracle is on the horizon. Action is the only corse toward healing. Dump the house and the wife. Get a small condo. Take charge now. Stop the bleeding


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

Lifeafter,
I am no expert, so this is just my opinion, but I've read several stories on this site very similar to yours and wanted to comment. 

There are a lot of really smart people who are commenting and have life experience backing up their recommendations. I'd listen to them. You sound very analytical and seem to want information. Perhaps, like me, you can suffer from "analysis paralysis" and want to know the "perfect" steps to take before moving forward? 

Several people mentioned that many lawyers offer free consultations. Given your financial concerns, why not take the opportunity to research good lawyers locally and go see 2-3 for free consults. Gather data and arm yourself with information, whether you finally have to lawyer-up or not, this would help you figure out what can happen. 

I remember reading on here that there may even be a rule that once you see a lawyer, the other party cannot use them. Maybe someone more knowledgeable can comment, but that could be a side benefit. 

Two last points. 

A family member close to me when through an affair. He was very up and down, to extremes. Walked miles and miles, lost weight, etc. Keep in mind that your emotions will be all over the place. Try to make a plan to help ground yourself. When you feel weak, remember you are not only caring for yourself, but your kids.

And another point I see on this site, cheaters lie. Keep this in mind at all times. Your wife is a cheater, thus she lies.

Good luck, so sorry you are going through this, but this site can help.

(PS - read on this site. There are many stories like yours and you will see how the advice here helped many.)


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

PM1 said:


> Lifeafter,
> I am no expert, so this is just my opinion, but I've read several stories on this site very similar to yours and wanted to comment.
> 
> There are a lot of really smart people who are commenting and have life experience backing up their recommendations. I'd listen to them. You sound very analytical and seem to want information. Perhaps, like me, you can suffer from "analysis paralysis" and want to know the "perfect" steps to take before moving forward?
> ...


Thank you so much and yes you are probably right in thinking I am one who needs a lot of info before I feel confident in what I am doing.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

This is a continuation from the above post plus some.
I am in this stage now wanting to learn as much happy ending possibility info I can and reality info as well. This is all hard to handle at the moment but this is because I decided not to give up just yet. Earlier this week I was ready to move forward with separation but then I saw a glimpse of her old self or vulnerability that good or bad has made me want to fight for anything I can get. I do know this is not in my favor, I get that fully. If I at least try everything possible now, I can know/say I did try and did not just give up, even if this hurts me more in the long run. I feel she and my family is worth this. Of course I pray she sees this and allows her heart to re-open to me. 
We did speak just a little while ago, when I got home and I said thank you for at least saying yes to agreeing to go to counseling with me tomorrow and she said something to the extent of "if we give this a try" and then one of our kids walked in to interrupt the rest of what she was going to say.
I know this is still a pipe dream but she has at least become 1% more open minded to this. I know if this is given a chance this will now fall on me more than ever to try and be there for her and some how find a middle ground with what she has done to make me feel at peace and not drive her further away. 1% is better than 0% for now at least. Oh and I know she could be lying to me on all this and I am to stay as guarded as I can and Yes I know I am fully delusional but for the moment, I must accept it. Once I know this is over I am sure I will be begging you all to keep me strong yet again. To everyone here this is has been a great release and a place to bounce things off you and I know I am not currently following your advise but I am reading it and taking it in. I have even gone back through this now long thread and re-read everything a couple of times as I feel and hear your words clearly. Thanks again.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lifeafter said:


> This is a continuation from the above post plus some.
> I am in this stage now wanting to learn as much happy ending possibility info I can and reality info as well. This is all hard to handle at the moment but this is because I decided not to give up just yet. Earlier this week I was ready to move forward with separation but then I saw a glimpse of her old self or vulnerability that good or bad has made me want to fight for anything I can get. I do know this is not in my favor, I get that fully. If I at least try everything possible now, I can know/say I did try and did not just give up, even if this hurts me more in the long run. I feel she and my family is worth this. Of course I pray she sees this and allows her heart to re-open to me.
> We did speak just a little while ago, when I got home and I said thank you for at least saying yes to agreeing to go to counseling with me tomorrow and she said something to the extent of "if we give this a try" and then one of our kids walked in to interrupt the rest of what she was going to say.
> I know this is still a pipe dream but she has at least become 1% more open minded to this. I know if this is given a chance this will now fall on me more than ever to try and be there for her and some how find a middle ground with what she has done to make me feel at peace and not drive her further away. 1% is better than 0% for now at least. Oh and I know she could be lying to me on all this and I am to stay as guarded as I can and Yes I know I am fully delusional but for the moment, I must accept it. Once I know this is over I am sure I will be begging you all to keep me strong yet again. To everyone here this is has been a great release and a place to bounce things off you and I know I am not currently following your advise but I am reading it and taking it in. I have even gone back through this now long thread and re-read everything a couple of times as I feel and hear your words clearly. Thanks again.


Hi @Lifeafter I know you are desperate to keep this marriage but your wife cheated on you, yes maybe you were not a great husband who showed her love and care etc, yes she went to someone else to get her needs met. Cheating was not the answer, and it never is. You are the victim here yet you are pulling out all the stops to placate her. She is not a good communicator at all.
You have not followed any of the advice on here, you have simply cajoled her into going to therapy and done the 'pick me' dance. She knows your feelings on the OM and she is using it against you.

You need to be willing to lose this marriage to save it.
You need to tell her you know you hurt her, you are really sorry for not being as supportive as you could when her father died but you are not going to be disrespected and have her throw that OM in your face or use him as a bargaining chip. You expect some respect and if she wants to go, she is free to but you will expose her and you will fight tooth and nail to keep the children and ensure OM is nowhere near them.
You must do the 180, tell her you were ready to work on the marriage, but if she wants to continue to threaten you then there is nothing to discuss. And you will proceed with divorce because right now she is playing you.
Stop acting desperate, it is not appealing to a women who is almost at the point of no return.
Tell her this, you will work on the marriage, provided she goes no contact with OM, she writes him a NC letter and that is the only way she is showing commitment to the therapy process and the marriage.
If her answer is no, then all bets are off, you do not have to discuss anything with her about lawyer, your plans, etc. You will only discuss children and what she does is none of your concern.
You must follow through on your words.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Good luck to you. She is agreeing to counseling out of guilt, not love.
Fight for the marriage if you want, but take some advise from poster above: demand respect for yourself.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your doing the opposite of what it takes to reconcile in a truthful and meaningful way. Right now your just applying cake frosting on a turd.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Your doing the opposite of what it takes to reconcile in a truthful and meaningful way. Right now your just applying cake frosting on a turd.


Thanks for the pep talk, LOL! I am sure you are right but man this is more than new for me and I am all over the place with thoughts and emotions. I am still reading the Affair book and I will keep reading the 180 as well to try and ingrain this into my mind. It is all a struggle at the moment and I am just having to take everything in little doses and I am so all over the place at the moment.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Lifeafter said:


> Thanks for the pep talk, LOL! I am sure you are right but man this is more than new for me and I am all over the place with thoughts and emotions. I am still reading the Affair book and I will keep reading the 180 as well to try and ingrain this into my mind. It is all a struggle at the moment and I am just having to take everything in little doses and I am so all over the place at the moment.


I will never doubt you that it is extremely difficult. Hang in there 👍


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lifeafter said:


> If we don't work out she knows this already. I have told her this will always be my one reason to keep her from her kids. I know I am the one that has been cheated on so I know I am the jealous one in this but I know in my heart, this would be the right thing to do. I would never want to keep the kids from their mother as I know she loves them but me knowing their past I could not live with myself if something was to happen between her and him with my kids around. I have told her I am scared for her as I feel she will be mentally trapped with this guy. I know she is not in a good mental spot at the moment and I know he is feeding her the support she thinks she needs but I feel it will be a regret she will one day realize. I told her last night I cannot stand the thought of her with anyone else especially him. I know I am a sad sap but love makes us do crazy things!


So to put your mind at rest hire a PI and have the guy investigated. IF you turn up bad stuff, you can hand it over to your lawyer to help you with custody.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I don’t think you have shared what your marriage has been like. Or maybe I didn’t catch it.

Sometimes being a dreamer works out. Sometimes it consumes years of your life. It all depends on who you are dreaming about, and what action you take.

It is easy for the one you are with to seem like the only mermaid in the sea. But, she is not. Staying with her means — maybe — you are turning your back on the one or many who might have been an easier and more natural match. You owe it to yourself to see her clearly and yourself clearly at this time. And that may be a severe challenge, if there are big parts of you that want her to be the “one”.

I think this book is a quick read, and can be helpful when it comes to facing reality about what one may or may not presently have with the current “other”:

Why It Can't Work: Detaching from dysfunctional relationships to make room for true love

I have no idea if any of it matches your situation. But it may be worthwhile for you to find out.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

PieceOfSky said:


> I don’t think you have shared what your marriage has been like. Or maybe I didn’t catch it.
> 
> Sometimes being a dreamer works out. Sometimes it consumes years of your life. It all depends on who you are dreaming about, and what action you take.
> 
> ...


I will have to look into this and thank you.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

I want to talk about my day. We both talked this morning and were both about to stroke out because we had a therapy appointment. We were both scared to death. We did go and I am sure this is normal but the visit was Us talking and not much. It was very emotional for both with a lot of crying. We both felt spent afterward. The therapist said we need to have a date night once or twice a week and since we had no kids tonight we went to dinner. 
We both felt very weird and forced at first. Then she started talking about life and how she feels she is in depression, which she has talked about even a year ago. I dont want to make excuses or derail this thread but I want to ask the women if this could have played a part and if so does this make a difference in terms of working things out? We actually had the best night just talking in a long time. Now granted it was not much happy stuff but just how things we have done may have lead to this current spot we are in. We did not talk about the infidelity but about us as it was covering a lot that lead up to it. She is still very much on the fence but at least we were sharing and she not me talked about “if this works out between us”..... None of this felt like anything other than sharing thoughts and we both shared tears. I really don’t know what I’m asking if anything but just sharing with you. I did tell her I am worried about her being so depressed and this is what scares her more than anything. So women, have any of you gone through depression And what are the steps to get out of it. She is confused about how to handle this as she is not one that wants to share or take meds. I know this may continue to make me look bad but when someone is not right I just want to help. I am also not seeing how I can implement the 180 if we are talking?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

If your wife had depression then it needs to be treated with medication and therapy. Especially if it's so bad that it caused this mess. Having a mental illness is no different than having high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. It's an illness that needs to be treated. If she's unwilling to treat it then how will things improve? What will prevent this from happening again? 

If she doesn't want to share then how do you expect MC to work?


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

She is the type that does not like to share feelings other than with person she is in love with. Not even her parents. She has always been this way. Therapy was good and she also I cried a lot but we both left feeling no better about us. But we know this was just the first visit. I did tell her to talk to the Therapist about this or see a Doctor and she is scared of medication. So I did some reading and it says like all these issues here to eat (she has not in over 2 days till last nights dinner), sleep (which she stays up late and up early and exercise (which she has had no energy to do anything in months really even well before all this). So I told her I am going to wake her up in the morning to go on a walk. I feel like she needs to get in a good routine but I told her at dinner to go see a Doctor but like most she is probably scared what they will make her take and how it will make her feel.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

If she was diabetic, would she take prescribed meds? A professional needs to make an informed diagnosis and develop a treatment plan.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

I bet like a lot of people shes scared of what they will say and is hardheaded thinking it will pass. This is one reason she did mention the thought of separation sounds good so she can get away and think. I told her this Is now an extra hard thing for me to allow because of the affair and she understands. She said her getting out of the house even for a few minutes a day gives her just a small amount of peace and what also makes her think she needs to be alone right now. I wish and it seems she wishes as well the affair never happened because it has only caused additional problems to all the things she and I have been going through. 
I let her know last night that I feel I have been in a funk for the last year as well but mine was mainly do to my income and not being the provider like I had been. Our financial problems have played a big part in us getting to this point and she agreed to this as she is the one that handles the bills. we both talked last night at dinner and I was saying I have felt like for a while now, well before the affair, that I just want to run away from everything but with my family Including her and just start over. I did say this is one of those pipe dreams and said we could sell snow cones jokingly. She laughed but said the problems would follow us meaning life and money/bills problems. I said I know but the thought sounds good right about now.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> If she was diabetic, would she take prescribed meds? A professional needs to make an informed diagnosis and develop a treatment plan.


To answer your question about diabetes, she would probably not allow herself to be checked for this because of the fear of the result. This is just the way she has always been really. Stubborn and hardheaded, which I think equals scared really. Who wants to know for sure something is wrong with them?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Lifeafter said:


> To answer your question about diabetes, she would probably not allow herself to be checked for this because of the fear of the result. This is just the way she has always been really. Stubborn and hardheaded, which I think equals scared really. Who wants to know for sure something is wrong with them?


People who don't want to die of something treatable? Avoiding problems won't make them go away. If that's how she is then reconciliation will be a miserable road for you because it's all about confronting problems, not ignoring them.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

bobert said:


> People who don't want to die of something treatable? Avoiding problems won't make them go away. If that's how she is then reconciliation will be a miserable road for you because it's all about confronting problems, not ignoring them.


You are spot on and this has been me in the beginning of out relationship and now her, with not wanting to work on things Or problems (personal or as a couple) and shutting down. I guess I just keep trying to convince her to try and get help For herself. I told her regardless of us she needs to do something about this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lifeafter said:


> I want to talk about my day. We both talked this morning and were both about to stroke out because we had a therapy appointment. We were both scared to death. We did go and I am sure this is normal but the visit was Us talking and not much. It was very emotional for both with a lot of crying. We both felt spent afterward. The therapist said we need to have a date night once or twice a week and since we had no kids tonight we went to dinner.
> We both felt very weird and forced at first. Then she started talking about life and how she feels she is in depression, which she has talked about even a year ago. I dont want to make excuses or derail this thread but I want to ask the women if this could have played a part and if so does this make a difference in terms of working things out? We actually had the best night just talking in a long time. Now granted it was not much happy stuff but just how things we have done may have lead to this current spot we are in. We did not talk about the infidelity but about us as it was covering a lot that lead up to it. She is still very much on the fence but at least we were sharing and she not me talked about “if this works out between us”..... None of this felt like anything other than sharing thoughts and we both shared tears. I really don’t know what I’m asking if anything but just sharing with you. I did tell her I am worried about her being so depressed and this is what scares her more than anything. So women, have any of you gone through depression And what are the steps to get out of it. She is confused about how to handle this as she is not one that wants to share or take meds. I know this may continue to make me look bad but when someone is not right I just want to help. I am also not seeing how I can implement the 180 if we are talking?


Sorry I am not buying it. Depression is just an excuse for bad behaviour. Many people have depression and they do not go out and cheat. This is a smoke screen and I know you are clutching at straws to make this work. A word of advice, if you proceed with the rug sweeping and moving on pretending that there was no infidelity and her not having consequences and doing everything to help you heal then the following will happen

1. She will do it again, any time she feels down, you don't live up to expectations, etc, 
2. She'll do it again cause this time there were no consequences, you are teaching her what your boundaries are (you have none)
3. You will resent her, it will come back to haunt you and eventually you wont be able to take it and will split any way years down the road

Please do not rug sweep and that is the direction you are headed. you are on here looking for us to give you excuses. Enough already! 
If she is depressed tell her to go see a doctor, she doesn't want to share or take meds, too bad, but she will share her body with someone else? She didn't appear to have any problems with privacy or being shy then. This is bull **** and she is using this to lull you into a false reconciliation. WHEN are you going to stop this ***** footing around and man up?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

1. I tried few meds for depression/anxiety. I quit them after couple months because they were making me a little flat. And then last year i tried cymbalta and it was simply like the old me was back. I felt myself. But it increased my already high blood pressure and I had to quit. But during these two months I felt myself, I had energy, went through bunch of things on my to do list that waited there for months or longer.
Now I am trying welbutrin as There is a mountain of work and stress ahead of me because of the divorce. 
note- anti-depressant take time to adjust when starting and when weaning off (diziness, etc) but sometimes you just have to do it.

our first therapy session was horrible.We did what you did -went out for a drink after. That’s became our date night for the next few years.Things were better for few years, but we are divorcing now.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I add one more thing: I think I was and still strugling with depression is because of my marriage. I knew thing are not right, not ss tgey aresupposed to be.
Chances are your wife’s depression might be because of the marriage problems, not the other way around. But maybe not, she should know better.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

aine said:


> Sorry I am not buying it. Depression is just an excuse for bad behaviour. Many people have depression and they do not go out and cheat. This is a smoke screen and I know you are clutching at straws to make this work. A word of advice, if you proceed with the rug sweeping and moving on pretending that there was no infidelity and her not having consequences and doing everything to help you heal then the following will happen
> 
> 1. She will do it again, any time she feels down, you don't live up to expectations, etc,
> 2. She'll do it again cause this time there were no consequences, you are teaching her what your boundaries are (you have none)
> ...


She had mentioned around a year for that she was not feeling right and starting to withdraw from everything. Not trying to fully defend but let you know this was not something she said once the affair was out. She even mentioned this to me a few months before the affair As well. It does stink that she is not one to go to a doc for things like this. So I hope what steps we are taking now are the right ones. This is for sure hard to try and keep myself guarded but at the same time trying to see where this goes. It is a total mind *uck!


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> I add one more thing: I think I was and still strugling with depression is because of my marriage. I knew thing are not right, not ss tgey aresupposed to be.
> Chances are your wife’s depression might be because of the marriage problems, not the other way around. But maybe not, she should know better.


She for sure should have known better. That is true! You are also probably right about the marriage could have helped cause it as well. Not to mention finances, taking care of her Father for the last 3 years or so of his life. Meaning she had to deal with helping her father to the bathroom and cleaning up after him. Please don’t get me wrong what she did hurts my heart to no end but I know the **** she has had to deal with could not have been easy. So I pray that I can do the right things to help make the my part of the marriage r and her as well.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

I also found Marriage Helpers and I like what they are teaching as well. It is very similar to the 180 but not as aggressive as surviving an affair. I also like how the guy said when talking to a therapist are they working for the marriage or the person. He says they need to be working for the marriage and if it is not repairable, then you help with the rest. This is the feeling I had about the therapist we saw, in that, I asked her could we make it and work through this and the look she gave me was not one of optimism. I know I am looking for everyone to tell me yes we can make it but of all people I don’t want my therapist, to give me the look she did. That should always be a positive person even if you find out your dying or something. I also found Bulletproof Husband. And it is very similar to the 180 as well but this is more like having a life coach. I like what they are selling, which is how to get my mind, confidence and boundaries back for this marriage or someone else. I just don’t think I can afford them at the moment but would love too if nothing else To get my confidence back for work and life. I feel this is my biggest problem if lack of confidence at the moment. When you are not bringing in the money I used too it makes you feel like less of a man. When feeling this way how am I to even try to win back my wife or anything. So today I have been trying to start getting my mind right and ready to start getting back after it and making money. I submitted a proposal to this coming to start working for them. So maybe I can get out of my own funk or depression I have been dealing with over the last year. Then I would at least feel a little more ready for life, I hope.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Lifeafter it is possible that your wife is attractive to him because of her father's house.


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## Lifeafter (Jul 28, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @Lifeafter it is possible that your wife is attractive to him because of her father's house.


I am not sure I follow? This is a small old home that he has only lived at the last 7 years.


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