# Unbiased advice please



## Laura1975 (Jan 11, 2012)

Hello there,

I'm new here and just registered for some advice on my marriage.

I'll try and explain my situation to you in a nutshell, otherwise we will be here all day. 

I am married to a very nice, kind man, we have been married for three years and have a wonderful little boy who is two. My husband is a wonderful father.

Unfortunately, my husband was made reduntant 16 months ago, he had a very well respected job as a manager and earned a good salary, he has still not been able to find work. I went back to work full time when he was made redundant (after maternity leave, I originally went back to work 4 days a week) thinking it wouldn't be more than 6 months, however, it really bothered me that I was having to leave my beautiful baby every day to go to work when my husband was 'waiting' for this brilliant management job to come up for him, so I have recently gone back to part time so I can have some time with my son through the week (I still work 4 full days a week), my husband doesn't have our son for these day's as he is with his grandparents and nursery so my husband has copious amounts of time to get out there and find a job, our problem lies with him having been brought up with private schooling, given the best education and his family is, very much, about status so he is not prepared to just go out and do anything!! However, I have had a completely different upbringing, and I am expecting him to roll his sleeves us and go out and get any job. I fully understand his pride has taken a big knock and he didn't ask to be in this situation but i'm a great believer of making things happen for yourself, he refuses to go on a college course and has blocked himself off from his friends for the stupid reason that he believe they will feel sorry for him!!! So now he only see's me and takes his frustrations out on my by having little digs as me then I retaliate with little digs back and it just gets rediculous and makes us both miserable. I'm starting to lose respect for him for not getting out there and making things happen (he does apply for jobs on the internet everyday, but again, just management jobs!!!), I feel like i am the only person in his life that he can speak to (as much as the situation drives me mad, i'm so glad he has me to talk to), his parents and sister don't mention the situation (the elephant in the room), his dad even has his own business which my husband has asked to be involved in, but his dad said he believes there is no future in the business and that he is winding it down....however, they live in a very affluent area in a 7 bedroom house and live to a very high standard indeed, so the argument about the company not having a future frustates my husband even more.

I have asked my husband to make changes, even just little ones by maybe going to the library to use the computer instead of sitting in the house all day and watching tele and playing on the play station (can you hear my frustations) but still nothing changes. I'm very concerned for my marriage as I keep thinking that I want to leave him just to get some space between us, he is in the house constatantly, we are only ever apart if i'm at work or out with friends, I am never ever in the house on my own (or just with my son), that if fine for other couple who want that, but I want him to have his own life away from me as well as with me. we are running out of things to say to each other and I'm close to the end of my tether.

I'm fully aware that other people are a lot worse off than me, and we are the luckiest people in the world to have a healthy son and we are all healthy (thank god) but this situation is like a poison to our marriage and I need to nip it in the bud soon but I just don't know how anymore. 

Thanks for reading right to the end.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Laura


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## Dellia (Jan 6, 2012)

A REAL man puts his family above his own pride. Everyone WANTS an awesome job but does he understand the recession? It's a struggle in the job dept right now and I think even if he worked a temp job while he keeps putting his app in for management jobs, will make him feel better, just getting out of the house each day! He is growing depressed. If I were you, I would give him a few options, one being separation until he can properly prioritize.


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## Laura1975 (Jan 11, 2012)

Thank you for your advice. I would like nothing more for him to temp or even volunteer (anything to give him a purpose to get out of bed) but he won't as he feels his career was at such a level when he was made redundant that it would be detremental to do anything less than that. I understand that, but he won't tell me when he will give up on the management job and start looking elsewhere or retrain, so we could be sitting here in 4 years time having the same conversation!!!! 

I do love him and I can't help thinking 'is this really a reason to break up a family' but we need things to change but I don't give him any reason to make things change and the only thing that would work would be me leaving for a little while....aaaarrgghhh, it's such a massive step to make and there's no going back once it's done.


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