# Do I have a right to be jealous about this?



## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

My GF has a "friend" who texts her from time to time. Apparently this is a guy who she slept with in high school - some 20 years ago. I get the usual defense - "that was high school", "I would never cheat on you", "I would never see him without you there", etc.

This "friend" of hers was in jail for a few years a while back and her and her good friend were like the only ones to visit this guy. So apparently she had a strong connection with him.

Last week after dinner he had sent her a video message. It was an inside joke between the two of them. Her talking with a slur...something she'll do from time to time to be funny so the video was of him doing the same. She showed me the video afterwards like I gave a ****. I felt it was inappropriate.

Should I be worried? I don't want to be controlling and tell her not to talk to this guy (even though she said she would do that for me). But I can't help but feel this is a red flag. I feel it's disrespectful to carry on any friendship (at least one that consists of texting) like this but I realize that my past has made me VERY insecure.

I need advice please.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well having clear boundaries helps. Me and Mrs. Conan don't allow exes as close friends. I have a Facebook friend who I slept with when I was 14. We haven't met since I was 14 and we were both CSA survivors and she was my first so we have a strong connection. My wife has expressed discomfort and I told her I would unfriend her if she wanted me to but we really are just distant friends. She is also married with a zillion kids.

We don't talk on the phone or text. I would be jealous if I were you but you have to work out your own boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Well having clear boundaries helps. Me and Mrs. Conan don't allow exes as close friends. I have a Facebook friend who I slept with when I was 14. We haven't met since I was 14 and we were both CSA survivors and she was my first so we have a strong connection. My wife has expressed discomfort and I told her I would unfriend her if she wanted me to but we really are just distant friends. She is also married with a zillion kids.
> 
> We don't talk on the phone or text. I would be jealous if I were you but you have to work out your own boundaries.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, I have several girls that I have slept with on FB and that makes her jealous...she called it "weird". Actually, I didn't explicitly say anything about the relationship with the one girl in particular. She was just a girl I dated briefly before my girlfriend. Anyway, I don't talk to these girls on FB and wouldn't have a problem removing them if that's what she wanted. I would understand.

I think it bothers me that she doesn't think it's an issue since the relationship was high school. I think it's a slippery slope. So what's the cut off point then? College? Your first job? Maybe we can just base it off distance? If they're in another state it's okay, otherwise it's not? I just think it's sucky.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Well having clear boundaries helps. Me and Mrs. Conan don't allow exes as close friends. I have a Facebook friend who I slept with when I was 14. We haven't met since I was 14 and we were both CSA survivors and she was my first so we have a strong connection. My wife has expressed discomfort and I told her I would unfriend her if she wanted me to but we really are just distant friends. She is also married with a zillion kids.
> 
> We don't talk on the phone or text. I would be jealous if I were you but you have to work out your own boundaries.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Solid advice there. I would not be comfortable with that either. Once again, it's not about trusting her, it's about consideration for your partner and the principle. Boundries, like Conan says.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How far away does this person live?

What's she like with her phone? Does she keep it on silent all the time? Does she freely read messages in front of you? (If so, I think you have nothing to worry about).


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

cyclone said:


> Yeah, I have several girls that I have slept with on FB and that makes her jealous...she called it "weird". Actually, I didn't explicitly say anything about the relationship with the one girl in particular. She was just a girl I dated briefly before my girlfriend. Anyway, I don't talk to these girls on FB and wouldn't have a problem removing them if that's what she wanted. I would understand.
> 
> I think it bothers me that she doesn't think it's an issue since the relationship was high school. I think it's a slippery slope. So what's the cut off point then? College? Your first job? Maybe we can just base it off distance? If they're in another state it's okay, otherwise it's not? I just think it's sucky.


Posting on facebook and sending texts are two different things imho. One is open to everyone, while the other is one on one.


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> How far away does this person live?
> 
> What's she like with her phone? Does she keep it on silent all the time? Does she freely read messages in front of you? (If so, I think you have nothing to worry about).


He's in the same town, so too close for comfort.

As far as the phone is concerned - she's great. No passwords, she shows me messages all the time. She knows I'm not 100% with this guy so last weekend she told me and showed me what he sent her. On one hand it's good that she does that but on the other it still bothers me that I even have to read or hear about it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Time and distance don't make for cutoff points. Behavior does. So far there's no indication of inappropriate behavior, inappropriate communication, or inappropriate feelings. Sometimes an old friend is just that.


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

Observer said:


> Posting on facebook and sending texts are two different things imho. One is open to everyone, while the other is one on one.


Agreed! She doesn't have a FB account but if she did I wouldn't be overly concerned about her friendship through there (so long as there wasn't private messaging).

Text messaging though? Meh, that's too close for comfort and this guy is stepping on my toes.


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Time and distance don't make for cutoff points. Behavior does. So far there's no indication of inappropriate behavior, inappropriate communication, or inappropriate feelings. Sometimes an old friend is just that.


I suppose but what's the point of a friendship? Just to simply text? As far as I'm concerned that's where it ends for me. There's no him and her together alone and I have no reason to mingle with him. Seems like a friendship is rather fruitless at that point and it's just time to say: it's been fun, good luck!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Well, it doesn't sound like you need to be worried about this person, but if it bothers you that much, I do think she should respect your wishes.


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Well, it doesn't sound like you need to be worried about this person, but if it bothers you that much, I do think she should respect your wishes.


The problem is I am fully aware of my insecurity issues. I'm once bitten and twice shy. I don't want to scare her away and definitely don't want to be labeled as "controlling". It's very tricky.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

cyclone said:


> The problem is I am fully aware of my insecurity issues. I'm once bitten and twice shy. I don't want to scare her away and definitely don't want to be labeled as "controlling". It's very tricky.


Does she have compassion about your insecurity issues?


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Once again cyclone, it's about respect. And you cannot base your relationship around her getting angry if you express your feelings. Just tell her "if you respect me and my feelings, you will end contact with that man. I support you having friends, but that particular person makes me uncomfortable". If she loves and respects you, it should not be an issue.


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Does she have compassion about your insecurity issues?


I think so. We have discussed this friend of hers before and she knows how I feel. I didn't come out and say it but she did for me: she would cut him off if it bothers me that much. That made me uncomfortable because her ex was very controlling and I am not and do not want to be like that. She also makes it a point to tell me when and what he texts her.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Also, how long have you been dating?


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Also, how long have you been dating?


Six months


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's not her responsibility to fix your insecurity issues. That's up to you. She may be willing to help you with them, but she's not obligated to do so. If this is the platonic friendship it seems to be, then it's her right to continue it if she wishes. Don't you have any old friends you seldom or never see, but only hear from via text or email or on FB? What is the value of any friend, really? I have friends I've never met in person, as well as many I haven't seen in years - yet we stay in touch.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

These lines are blurry. She texts an old BF and and shows it to you but your FB friends with women you've slept with. You say she doesn't like it so are you compassionate? If you're going to have exes in your life in one form or another how do you decide what's ok? Have you had a boundary discussion with her where both of you lay out your concerns?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> It's not her responsibility to fix your insecurity issues. That's up to you. She may be willing to help you with them, but she's not obligated to do so. If this is the platonic friendship it seems to be, then it's her right to continue it if she wishes. Don't you have any old friends you seldom or never see, but only hear from via text or email or on FB? What is the value of any friend, really? I have friends I've never met in person, as well as many I haven't seen in years - yet we stay in touch.


I think it's just the medium of communication that irks me. A post to a FB wall is less threatening than a direct text message.


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> These lines are blurry. She texts an old BF and and shows it to you but your FB friends with women you've slept with. You say she doesn't like it so are you compassionate? If you're going to have exes in your life in one form or another how do you decide what's ok? Have you had a boundary discussion with her where both of you lay out your concerns?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A brief discussion but I'm a bit gun shy. I don't want to scare her away with my insecurities.

I have no issues removing any woman off FB. If I'm committed to you then I would respect your opinion on the subject. Otherwise it's a non-issue as I'm never in contact with the women on FB.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would not want an ex in my life. She needs to respect your wishes. Just because she slept with someone and stayed friends doesn't mean they have to be part of your life.

She might not realize it but she is shoving someone she slept with in your face. I don't want to be chummy with my wife's exes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Hmmm....six months.... I totally get what you mean about not wanting to see controlling. I also am wondering if 6 months is really long enough for you to have any idea if this person would be a threat or not. Have you only known her for six months? Do you think this relationship is marriage material? I guess I'm just not sure how much she "owes" you after six months or dating? If it's something you should push...


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

Personally, i'm not sure i would want to end a friendship of several years for a guy I've been dating for six months. Especially if all communication with the friend was transparent and open to the boyfriend, and he was friends with exes as well. 

Yes, she can see the posts on your wall. But she lets you read her texts. Either one of you could be deleting things you don't want the other to see. I think it's time for a serious discussion and agreement about boundaries.


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Hmmm....six months.... I totally get what you mean about not wanting to see controlling. I also am wondering if 6 months is really long enough for you to have any idea if this person would be a threat or not. Have you only known her for six months? Do you think this relationship is marriage material? I guess I'm just not sure how much she "owes" you after six months or dating? If it's something you should push...


Yeah, she's marriage material. We talk about it all the time and hopefully we'll be living together in the Spring/Summer.


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

that.girl said:


> Personally, i'm not sure i would want to end a friendship of several years for a guy I've been dating for six months. Especially if all communication with the friend was transparent and open to the boyfriend, and he was friends with exes as well.
> 
> Yes, she can see the posts on your wall. But she lets you read her texts. Either one of you could be deleting things you don't want the other to see. I think it's time for a serious discussion and agreement about boundaries.


Yeah, it's a clear difference in opinions on the issue. She doesn't see any problem with it. I even turned the tables and said - I could have a friendship with one girl in particular who I've had a past with. She said that was fine.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

cyclone said:


> Yeah, she's marriage material. We talk about it all the time and hopefully we'll be living together in the Spring/Summer.


OK, well I doubt your insecurity issues are going to go away or really get better, without work, the longer you get into your relationship. I think for now I'd let this issue go unless/until you have a mutual discussion/mutual agreement about exes and boundaries, etc. She sounds like a reasonable person, but like thatgirl said, I'm not sure I'd want to give up a life long friendship for someone I'd only been dating six months. What's the relationship status of the friend?

At this point I think at a maximum you might request she not initiate contact with this person, but I wouldn't ask her to tell the guy never to text her again. But that's just me.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Time to have that boundry discussion then, you need to know exactly what you are getting into and that you two are like minded. If you are talking about marriage, go into it with agreements, not doubts. You can totally have that discussion without coming across as insecure. In fact, you can have that discussion and come across as very mature and intelligent.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

I don't see how she has done anything wrong. She hides nothing from you. You have a double standard by having exes on your Facebook but don't want her to have contact with an ex from 20 years ago. How long ago did you break up with the exes on your FB? Why are they on your friends list? 

It's not fair for you to say you'll delete your exes from FB like that's some sort of gift you're giving her that she should be thankful for. She doesn't care because she isn't insecure. 

If you need someone who doesn't have any opposite sex friends, then find someone who fits that bill instead of trying to control and change someone you only have 6 months invested in. She doesn't have to change for you, and she doesn't have to give up friends for you, either. She doesn't owe you that. If you two are incompatible because of her OSF, then that's that, but don't hold it over her head.


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> OK, well I doubt your insecurity issues are going to go away or really get better, without work, the longer you get into your relationship. I think for now I'd let this issue go unless/until you have a mutual discussion/mutual agreement about exes and boundaries, etc. She sounds like a reasonable person, but like thatgirl said, I'm not sure I'd want to give up a life long friendship for someone I'd only been dating six months. What's the relationship status of the friend?
> 
> At this point I think at a maximum you might request she not initiate contact with this person, but I wouldn't ask her to tell the guy never to text her again. But that's just me.


She told me that she never initiates conversations with him. I told her that she can talk to him but I would never want her to be alone with him for any meetup. She was fine with that.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

vms said:


> I don't see how she has done anything wrong. She hides nothing from you. You have a double standard by having exes on your Facebook but don't want her to have contact with an ex from 20 years ago. How long ago did you break up with the exes on your FB? Why are they on your friends list?
> 
> It's not fair for you to say you'll delete your exes from FB like that's some sort of gift you're giving her that she should be thankful for. She doesn't care because she isn't insecure.
> 
> If you need someone who doesn't have any opposite sex friends, then find someone who fits that bill instead of trying to control and change someone you only have 6 months invested in. She doesn't have to change for you, and she doesn't have to give up friends for you, either. She doesn't owe you that. If you two are incompatible because of her OSF, then that's that, but don't hold it over her head.


She has not done anything wrong, I don;t think he accused her of that either. And correct again, she does not have to do anything, but that may be a deal breaker for him and she has to make that decision. If an ex that she screwed is more important than what they have, so be it, it's better that he knows that now versus getting married. I think the kid is smart for seeking advice


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

vms said:


> I don't see how she has done anything wrong. She hides nothing from you. You have a double standard by having exes on your Facebook but don't want her to have contact with an ex from 20 years ago. How long ago did you break up with the exes on your FB? Why are they on your friends list?
> 
> It's not fair for you to say you'll delete your exes from FB like that's some sort of gift you're giving her that she should be thankful for. She doesn't care because she isn't insecure.
> 
> If you need someone who doesn't have any opposite sex friends, then find someone who fits that bill instead of trying to control and change someone you only have 6 months invested in. She doesn't have to change for you, and she doesn't have to give up friends for you, either. She doesn't owe you that. If you two are incompatible because of her OSF, then that's that, but don't hold it over her head.


The exes on my FB are right before I started dating my current gf. I was dating a lot. However, I would never carry on any conversation with them and in fact, I did cut one off that turned from short-term lover to friend. I could have easily continued that friendship but I personally feel that it would have been disrespectful to my current gf.

My moral compass basically works like this: If I've any physical relationship with the opposite sex then I will not talk with them. Period.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

cyclone said:


> The exes on my FB are right before I started dating my current gf. I was dating a lot. However, I would never carry on any conversation with them and in fact, I did cut one off that turned from short-term lover to friend. I could have easily continued that friendship but I personally feel that it would have been disrespectful to my current gf.
> 
> My moral compass basically works like this: If I've any physical relationship with the opposite sex then I will not talk with them. Period.


If you never plan to speak to them, why are they on your friends list at all?


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

vms said:


> If you never plan to speak to them, why are they on your friends list at all?


Curiosity, nothing more. I have no romantic feelings towards any of them but it's interesting to watch their lives unfold even though I only knew them for a brief time.


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