# Friend is hard to give advice to



## awesome (Mar 17, 2011)

I have a 30 year old single female friend who thinks of contacting me only when she has a problem. She asks for advice and I always give it my best shot since I'm considerably older than she. The problem is, when her dilemma subsides and I give my honest opinion about what just happened, she gets mad and acts as if she never had a problem. I feel like asking her why she bothered me and wasted my time if she had no problem all along. My boyfriend said to forget about my friend already because she's no friend at all. Selfish, self-centered and immature is my boyfriend's assessment of that girl. Should I take my boyfriend's suggestion and ignore my friend from now on? I feel guilty when I don't help people who ask for my help. Yet I feel really angry when they just waste my time and don't appreciate my efforts at helping them.


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## Starling (Feb 28, 2011)

She's using you. Cut the ties.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Some people just like you to be on their side, no matter they are right or wrong, they are not seeking for advice, they are seeking for comfort. 

If people really want to look for ways to improve themselves, they are many good books and good articles, they can study themselves! They have to humble themselves and stop thinking they are always right and others are always wrong, they have to stop thinking they are more important and better than others!

Friends are people who respect you, not people who get upset with you because you have been honest. It is OK to stop associating with this kind of friends. Actually they are not friends at all, they are just some people who are lost!


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## awesome (Mar 17, 2011)

Thanks, Starling and Greenpearl for your reply! It feels good to be heard.

This is what really happened between me and my so-called friend. For 2 times already in the past 7 months, she came crying to me because of a positive pregnancy test. She and her boyfriend of 7 months are not yet married but are apparently having unprotected sex. Of course, I couldn't scold her for being so careless because the deed had been done. I had to tell her it's ok etc etc.

I only started getting upset when she told me that her boyfriend was reluctant to marry her. I advised her to talk to him seriously about his intentions for marriage and the future, especially because they were already having sex. He didn't want to talk about it. So I told her to tell her parents about her predicament already. She didn't want to because her boyfriend will look bad. I said she had no choice, under the circumstances. Finally, she and her boyfriend talked and he said something silly about being upset that she was pregnant because he planned on marrying her not now but *next* year (yeah, right).

Immediately after talking to her boyfriend, my so-called friend had her period (maybe a miscarriage, I don't know). I was relieved for her, her boyfriend and especially for the would-be baby because the poor thing could have ended up fatherless. In my opinion, if the guy is firm on not getting married, it would be better for my friend to have the baby by herself rather than force him because the guy will just feel trapped. The whole thing could end up in divorce.

So I told my friend that it's a good thing that the whole thing was just a false alarm so that they can plan for marriage and children in a better way. I advised her to review their contraception method so that the incident won't be repeated in the future. That's when she told me that she's not exactly jumping for joy that there's no baby. I felt like she slapped me in the face because there I was so worried about her, but it appears that her intention all along was to have a baby so that she can use it to get her boyfriend to marry her. 

Maybe she thought that I would help her in pressuring her boyfriend to get married. Or that I would talk to her parents. I don't know anymore. I just know that I felt used. I think I'll follow your advice and drop this girl from my life.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Awesome,

We can't live for others, just like others can't live for us. 

People have to figure out their own way of living. If they are smart, they make good decisions, they have a smoother life. If they are not, they tend to play games, they suffer from their own stupidity. 

We do our best to send alarms, if they don't listen, it is their life!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Smart people listen to wisdom, leeches & the careless set themselves up for disaster. 

If I was her friend, I would give it to her straight, and it wouldn't be pretty, I would tell her every bad frightenting thing that will come upon her , her life, her childrens life for laughing in the face of good advice.

She would then get sick of you and probably leave you alone.

Problem solved.


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## awesome (Mar 17, 2011)

Yes you're all right. I can't live my friend's life for her and I should stop wasting my time and just leave her alone. Many of my other friends keep telling me that my friend is old enough to accept the consequences of her actions, and at 30 years old, maybe she is. My problem is that I'm almost double her age, so I've been through all these things already and I just wanted to spare her the agony. Anyway, thanks everyone for helping me see my situation in a clearer way. Cheers!


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

what does your heart tell you?


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

No need to lose the friend. I can only assume that she does bring something positive into your life, or surely you would not be friends in the first place?

Just do not get involved with her personal life. Do not offer advice. 

I take this stance with all of my friends (even those that i have had in my life for 20 odd years). If they have a problem i will listen i will comfort and i will try my hardest to cheer them up. But no way will i suggest a course of action and only give my opinion on the matter if they REALLY push me . . . . why is this? Becasue I am very different to all of my friends. They are adults and do not need me telling them how to do things or what they should be doing. All they need is for me to accept them.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

My vote is: don't go out of your way to drop her, but don't go out of your way to do anything for her.

Just keep a healthy distance. If she comes to you for advice, be honest, but don't lose sleep over what she does or doesn't do.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> My vote is: don't go out of your way to drop her, but don't go out of your way to do anything for her.
> 
> Just keep a healthy distance. If she comes to you for advice, be honest, but don't lose sleep over what she does or doesn't do.


:iagree:

I was thinking something similar. I would simply stop giving advice. Years ago, my best friend would always come to me for advice. I would advice him, he'd go against it and what I warned against would some to pass. One day he asked me for advice and I said, "I am not going to advise you because when I do, you never listen. It's a waste of my time."
He acknowledged that he's hard-headed and that was that. I didn't cut him loose because he has other great qualities. And, after a few years I started giving advice again. And, he's been better about listening because I have no qualms with shutting down the Dear Orion advice column.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

i voted no, but before i realized that your friend only contacts you if she has a problem. 

i agree with credamochasgra that you can offer your advice and then move on with your life without a second thought.

by the way i don't think that you can define her as a "friend".


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