# Update! She is mad at me!



## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

Hello all!

This is an update. I moved out a few months ago, I still take care of all bills on house and give money every week. She is mad at me, I mean she acts like I did something to her for leaving. She also has been bringing up things from the past that are not true. Saying I did this and that with other girls but it is not true. I am trying to be her friend and I do miss her some, but when I am nice and take her and our daughter somewhere to eat she seems to think I need to apologize to her for how I have hurt her for me leaving the family. I just want it to be a nice time, I always tell her I want a good relationship between us for the sake of our child. She seems to worry more about all the stuff that is hers. I offered to sit down and go over who gets what and not take it to a judge to decide. She said someone else needs to do it. 

My question is.... why does this come back on me? With all this craziness I have a new outlook on life. This women was my best friend, now she wants to ruin me. Is it because she is mad at what she has done? When I tell her she broke my heart she argues with me. She says she wants the marriage but has always somehow pushed the blame back on me. (She will say I am sorry for what I did to you, it was the biggest mistake of my life but...) All I did is went to work one day, then I woke up with a mess of a life. We have been separated for 8 months with me not living in house for 4. I miss my family (before she cheated) but now I am just so disappointed in this woman it hurts bad. I feel sorry for her. I'm a great dad and person, I finally believe this again. 

Hope everyone has a great day and trys to look at the positive things in your life, it's hard sometimes but that's what I do everyday and it helps to not let my mind steer off to the bad parts.


EDIT.... She knows I do not want to reconcile


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Maybe she cant own up to what she did and makes you pay the price for her destroying the family. Either way she needs professional help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

If you've made the decision to divorce her, and if you haven't pulled the trigger; I'm wondering why. Or have you not decided?

I can understand wanting to have a civil relationship with her for the kids' sake, if you're moving toward D. However, if she can't do her part to make it civil, then my advice is to detach from her as best you can, both before and after the D. You can see your children without seeing her most of the time and you certainly don't have to have dinner with her. 

You don't have to be (and maybe shouldn't be) friends with the wife that betrayed you.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Ask her 
1) if you're such an a-hole, why does she want the marriage? 
2) If she is really sorry for what she has done, why is she blaming you for leaving the marriage? 
3) If she could decide to have an A, why can't you decide to end the marriage? 

Just move on. Stop paying the bills. Let her get a job. You'd be a bad guy no matter what you do. At least be a bad-but-happy guy.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I read the original thread. She said it was ONE time. Yeah, right. *How many times have we read that before?* Its called Trickle Truth. She was banging this guy for months, that's why you got the "you're letting yourself go" and the "sometimes I feel we're just together for the child", before the alleged ONS occurred. And the whole minimizing her actions, that OM made the moves on her. Sorry, but she could have shot him down. But nope. Anyway, I don't believe the one time thing, it NEVER IS ONE TIME...EVER. Its not like she went to some bar, picked up some random dude and banged him in the parking lot. There was a relationship with OM, her classmate. 

BTW, my ex-wife banged her classmate too. It was a full on relationship. 

BTW, Did she every take the poly? She said no problem, right? I guess that promise went out the window.

And what about the post nup that she agreed to? Did that go out the window too?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You have to stop worrying about her. As long as you keep coming back and playing the nice guy, she's going to keep blaming you. Take care of your daughter and let her know that it's time for her to get a job and move on.

It's a whole lot easier to point a finger of blame at someone else rather than accept fault and she doesn't want to do that as as long as you keep giving her the chance to blame you, the more it will happen.

When she starts blaming you, just remind her of who was cheating and who was the liar in this mess. Tell her in a way that she understands and stop treating her like she's your date. Take your kid out and leave her ass at home where she can use the time to get a job.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why do you care if she's mad? Why are you even listening to what she has to say? You're done.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Throughout your posts, you keep posting things like "do I get credit for this, do I get credit for that?" and now you're complaining that she is mad at you.

This shows that you're still trying to win her approval, that you're a pleaser. The question is WHY? You want her to be happy with the divorce. Seriously? Not. Going. To. Happen.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

She blames you for ending the marriage. She doesn't see what she did as worthy of divorce. She is probably thinking that if you truly loved her, you would forgive her and move on. She probably also thinks she deserves credit for telling you it happened. Just to add, I think you are completely justified in your actions, but that may be where she is mentally.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Stop taking her to nice places. Just take your daughter out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

This:


Overdone said:


> I am trying to be her friend


Is not the same as this:


> I want a good relationship between us for the sake of our child.


You can have a good relationship without being friends.


Nope I don't care and I know I'll get posts saying "but I am friends with my ex." Sorry, I'll never believe it. If it offends you, oh well. I get along fine with my oldest daughters mom. People would probably say we were friends, we aren't AT ALL.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Differentguy said:


> She blames you for ending the marriage. She doesn't see what she did as worthy of divorce. She is probably thinking that if you truly loved her, you would forgive her and move on. *She probably also thinks she deserves credit for telling you it happened. * Just to add, I think you are completely justified in your actions, but that may be where she is mentally.


Quoted in bold!

My cheating ex-wife actually said in MC that she thought she should get credit for not having cheated for the prior 16 years when we were digesting what was thought to be a one-time "mistake."

Even the MC called her out for that, as if a credit line was extended?

In actuality? she was still cheating and for the next 8 years--at least.

So wise up, this what you face. A lying CHEATING wife who blames you for everything as she also takes your money and the comforts of home.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> This:
> 
> 
> Is not the same as this:
> ...


:iagree: X1000. I have very few people that I consider friends (and that number is dwindling), have lots of acquaintances though. My WW has said after this is done I hope we can be friends? I said never going to happen. We might be civil for the kids sake, but we will never be either acquaintances nor friends (most definitely not friends). She seemed hurt by this and I said, you have wanted to have nothing to do with me and be nothing to me the entire time during the marriage, so why would you want to after their is no need to be when you should have been before?

It may work for some but will not be the path I travel.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Have you actually filed for divorce yet?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You're trying to be her friend. Stop. It's not going to work. She's probably still sleeping around. She transferred her guilt onto you so she feels justified. And you lap it up. 

Did you ever expose her to family and friends? Do they know the real reason you left?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I wouldn't be surprised we already know most cheaters are very selfish people who see others' faults double what their own issues are. it's their way of making themselves feel better.
Her blaming you, bringing up stuff that is incorrect or old is just her way of leveling the playing field, making you seem as bad as she is.
I haven't read your original thread don't know how old your daughter is but be careful your STBX will probably try to poison her be making up things about you.

I would more worry about your daughter then the ex, work on strengthening your bond with her so that no matter what the ex says your daughter will not believe the wrong things.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I do understand your wanting to be the nice guy.... but it's time to say goodby. 

It's one thing to be soft hearted and another to be soft headed.

File, and be nice about it. _But just stop the bleeding_. If she wants to know why, just tell her it is the continued lies and deception as well as the betrayal of your trust. Wish her well, but just get 'er done.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You are not dealing with a person that feel remorse for her A. You cannot even work on a marriage unless that occurs.

You should be direct. I did not create this I did not tell you to flop on your back for another man. 

File for divorce be swift and direct


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

I haven't read your back story, but form what I see here it boils down to this: your wife had an affair and blames you for it and pretty much anything and everything else.

I believe this is how some cheaters cope with the reality of what they have done and be able to look at themselves in the mirror. its completely delusional, but without it they probably wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning. since everything (in their mind) is your fault, they can continue on, in fantasy land, and get through the day. they are the ultimate victim.:scratchhead:


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Stop giving her false hope. She's basically in the friend zone and that's not very nice. You can tell her point blank that you're never getting back together but when you try to have nice family time with her it sends mixed signals.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Stop giving her false hope. She's basically in the friend zone and that's not very nice. You can tell her point blank that you're never getting back together but when you try to have nice family time with her it sends mixed signals.


I don't think he is giving her false hope or sending mixed signals, if he has told her, in no uncertain terms, they are 100% done. He has to learn how to walk that fine line. Too cold, he is the angry betrayed man, who is bitter, that most men here are accused of. If he is too nice, he is sending mixed signals or the "beta" nice guy.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You need to start embracing an attitude of indifference towards her. Because that's the only thing that is going to work. Certainly not paying the bills, not trying to be buddies (you don't need to be friends you need to be co-parents), while allowing yourself to be disrespected after she's already disrespected you in one of the worst possible ways.

She's going to keep disrespecting you as long as you're willing to put up with it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I don't think he is giving her false hope or sending mixed signals, if he has told her, in no uncertain terms, they are 100% done. He has to learn how to walk that fine line. Too cold, he is the angry betrayed man, who is bitter, that most men here are accused of. If he is too nice, he is sending mixed signals or the "beta" nice guy.


Yes he told her and yes she should believe him but she gets her hopes up when they have a nice time and click. Then she's throwing the guilt at him about him being gone which means she thinks might come back if she keeps doing it. I agree with Jasel that indifference is the ticket. amicable indifference to be more exact.

Now she cheated so she deserves it maybe. It's an ego boost to have someone pining for your affection the way she is for Overdone's. There's a self confidence rush. Maybe that's a motive Overdone hasn't put much thought into.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Yes he told her and yes she should believe him but she gets her hopes up when they have a nice time and click.


I guess your word choice is masking what you meant. We are almost on the same page, but we are taking different things from his post. 

I remember saying the same thing he did about "being friends."

He has to understand they can't be "friends." I was in a similar situation and you don't see the problem until you move away from attachment. I wasn't trying to "give her false hope," which wasn't my intent to be"not very nice," nor was I doing anything she "deserved' because she cheated. I wanted my daughter to have the easiest time with the transition. So, I was overly nice, tried to be "friendly" and I took some unnecessary abuse to see my child.

Succinctly, I don't see him being vindictive, punishing her for cheating or purposely leading her on. I was scared as He!! she was going to disappear with my kid, so I did everything possible to make it easy for my child and too easy for her. Then I educated myself and that crap stopped in a hurry.

I took that from his post.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

"I'm sorry,* but*..."

is not an apology.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> "I'm sorry,* but*..."
> 
> is not an apology.


"but" always always always always always comes before an excuse


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

vi_bride04 said:


> "but" always always always always always comes before an excuse


I have tried to get this point across to my WW. I call it the big BUT, she doesn't see it though. It is so hard to believe that someone so well educated as she is can't grasp this one little easy concept. I cringe every time I hear her say something and then the BUT, it seems like the world pauses for a while and my entire body stiffens and aches as I can predict what is coming next.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

"You know, my brother once told me that nothing someone says before the word 'but' really counts."

- Benjen Stark (Game of Thrones)


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You are spending time with her in the hopes of what?

When did you last sleep with her?

Is she still trying to get you to change your mind?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Overdone said:


> My question is.... why does this come back on me? With all this craziness I have a new outlook on life.


She's trash that cheated on you .... treat her like the trash that she is and maybe it won't come back on you.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

(Her Perspective
You were the reason for her affair. You are the reason for the end of the affair. You are a bad person. You should be lucky to be allowed the opportunity to remain married to her. You are lucky she has forgiven you for forcing her into an affair.....

My Perspective: Its called blame shifting. Ditch her but remember to be a great father to your children. They didn't betray you. It will be hard going forward because a women with her MO will begin poisoning their minds on how you abandoned the family.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's the thing.

She can't justify what she did, therefore it's your fault.

She can't justify why you left, therefore it's your fault.

She doesn't like being left behind, therefore it's your fault.

What is your fault is continuing to give a crap what she thinks.

I remember my ex phoning me the last time asking me for money and blaming me for the end of our marriage (which included her banging another guy)... I just laughed and told her never to contact me again.

And I felt so very very free and happy to be out from under the spell this witch cast on me.

Of course the fact that I was in my new sports car with my younger, hotter girlfriend going away for a weekend of crazy sex may have had something to do with that smile, too.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Focus on your child and yourself. Stop providing opportunities for her to cultivate more drama. That is not healthy for any of you including your child.


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