# Sexting/Stripper phone number to FaceTime



## redpoppies34 (Dec 14, 2016)

Ugh. My story gets worse and worse. So after a massive search on my husbands phone I find for the past ten years he has been going to strip clubs with friends, getting private rooms for lap dances (god knows what else) I pray just a lap dance. Then he gets their phone number. One he texted on for a year. I found nude pictures, raunchy poses, that she sent him. They seemed to text like friends and it was bothersome. I found other strippers, seems like there must be 8 or so and they last for a time. With two, she was sending him racy photos, he would text her on the way home to our house asking her to contact him then. He asked for nude pics, and FaceTime with her. Once he flat out asked for it but the girl wasn't there. Then with another I'm sure he face timed bc then the next time he asked he said "I couldn't wait for you I had to go ahead, hope you aren't mad"... "I needed release".

My husband is a pervert. Its not like we weren't having sex. We were! I never turned him down. He turned me down. He says "oh, well we fought a lot". Funny thing is we fought bc he was so unaffectionate and cold which is probably due to this stripper stuff. 

He went to strippers private rooms (he says with others but I think its a lie). $400 x4-5 times a year for 12 years thats like $8k.

I'm totally depressed. How can I forgive? I want to get divorced sometimes. He says "lets have a restart" but I'm like, I will never forget all this stuff.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Has your husband ever been evaluated by a sex addictions expert?

What he is doing is atrocious and there's NO way you should be standing for it. NO way. Going to see strippers is one thing, but to get repeated private rooms and to whack off to them on facetime????????? DISGUSTING is what that is.

If I were you I'd kick his ass right out the bloody door, then he can do whatever the hell he wants to with his strippers.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Not to mention that it's HIGHLY unlikely that, in the 12+ years he's been doing this, that he never had sex with one.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He needs to go.

He needs to strip his marriage ring off.
He needs to strip his horny Strep lying throat. Or slit it.
He needs to strip off the layers of BS and lies off his callous attitude.

If he did strip off all the lies off his shiny shellaced and veneered hide he would disappear. There is no man inside.

He is not a mature man. He is a boy in a man's body.

Divorce him....Pronto.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How does he offer to prove to you that he is not hanging out the strippers and prostitutes in the future?

Why would you want to stay married to this guy?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You don't have to forgive. 

I have no idea, but is a lap dance really $400? Not that it really matters, a lap dance is enough.

Is there any reason to think he won't keep doing this? Do you want to stay married to him if he does?

Its your decision, but most people would not put up with this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You tell him you want space.

Ask him to move out, if he can afford lap dances he can afford to rent a room

You seek counselling for yourself, you cannot get past this on your own

then you see a lawyer to see what your options are.

it is possible he has a sex addiction but I would still tell all my family and friends about what he has been doing- blow up his world

I do not see how you can make this work, stop trying to, that is his job if he is up to the task which I doubt very much.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Ewwwwwww


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Gross gross gross gross gross. I hope you have been tested for STDs and then never let him touch you afterward. 

Divorce him and be sure your attorney gets you that $4000 + interest he owes you.


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## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

Divorce him. He doesn't deserve you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

redpoppies34 said:


> I'm totally depressed. How can I forgive? I want to get divorced sometimes. He says "lets have a restart" but I'm like, I will never forget all this stuff.


You ask, "how can I FORGIVE?" Why the hell would you want to forgive him?

Are you _*serious*_?

You actually think this mouth-breathing pig wants to 'restart' because he found God and will now be the model husband? He wants a 'restart' because he still needs a 'mommy' to do everything at home but wipe his ass for him, and he doesn't want to part with half his assets and pay possible alimony and child support.

If he had to pay all that every month PLUS support his own home, that would seriously cut into his stripper and escort playtime allowance. Of course he wants a 'restart' - because it's cheaper for him! 

Why in the HELL you'd even CONSIDER eating even *one* more **** sandwich from this disrespectful pig is beyond me.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

He's Dead Inside.
Divorce him.
Even when I was in a sexless marriage I never went the stripper route.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

How can there be a restart when there is nothing there? What has he said to even make you want that? I am sorry but what your husband has done is horrible. Please get your self tested. I am sorry you are here.

Me, I would hit him with divorce paper asap.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Wanting to hit some imaginary reset button so that whatever has gone on before this point is completely over, gone, forgotten and never to be spoken or even thought of again? Yeah, that's actually a pretty common tactic among the serial cheater set. 

Something to keep in mind when he mentions that restart: He's not saying he'll change, he's telling you he won't change. Because he doesn't think he's done anything that needs changing and want's you to agree that he hasn't by agreeing to that clean slate.

If you agree to a "restart" or a "clean slate" or anything of that sort, you can expect that he will do nothing to change - because it's like all that "before" stuff never happened so he's never really done anything wrong. And you will not be allowed to bring up any past behaviors of his that you might need for him to change - because it's like all that "before" stuff never happened so he's never really done anything wrong. What he wants from the restart is for you both to pretend that absolutely nothing has ever been wrong in your relationship and he's never done anything to make you question his trustworthiness. It will then be all your fault if you have any trouble with that, because you agreed to the restart so you've (in his mind) essentially agreed that he's never been untrustworthy. The reset button is one serious mind****, and you would do very well to recognize it as such. 

There is simply no way for you to decide that whatever dysfunctional, cheating, pervy behaviors he's been engaging in for the last TWELVE YEARS never existed at all. There's no way for your to forget all he's put you through and who he's proven himself to be. Even if you were to forgive it (for some dysfunctional reason) you couldn't forget it.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I can see no reason to stay in that marriage. He is unsalvageable and is treating you like a door mat. Collect your evidence and meet with an attorney.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I spent a LOT of time in strip clubs many years ago when I travelled but I (almost) always told my w. Lap dances were too personal for me but many guys got them.

You can spend $$$$ at the clubs and not even really touch a stripper. Depends on the club. Most have a cover charge, drinks are expensive, lap dances are expensive. 

The girls string the guys along - that's their job. Make the guys feel sexy and like a stud because the stripper is interested in you. Kind of funny but it happens a lot

Some clubs have bouncers and they'll come for you if you touch the girls. Others allow some contact

Lap dances go from just dancing in front and simulating grinding on your lap but not touching, to actually grinding. Those that do grind know exactly what they're doing and don't let anyone finish. Instead they'll happily do another dance.

So the interaction really varies all over the place. I just want to point out that, in spite of what you might think and what the guys hope for, many places just get the $$$$ and don't really have contact. Guys still go to look, smoke cigars, drink and have guy talk.

And some have sex I suppose 

I'm not saying you h is or isn't a jerk or that you should or shouldn't leave or stay. I just know of good guys that go to strip clubs


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I just know of good guys that go to strip clubs


'Going' to a strip club is in a totally different league than getting lap dances and private rooms repeatedly, facetiming with strippers, whacking off online with them, exchanging phone numbers with them, texting them, and exchanging raunchy pics with them. All while not wanting sex with your wife, and for 12 years.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Wow

I would never put my wife or our marriage through what you've experienced. He honors neither. 

Two D words. Disrespect and Divorce.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I spent a LOT of time in strip clubs many years ago when I travelled but I (almost) always told my w. Lap dances were too personal for me but many guys got them.
> 
> You can spend $$$$ at the clubs and not even really touch a stripper. Depends on the club. Most have a cover charge, drinks are expensive, lap dances are expensive.




^THIS^

He is hanging out with STRIPPERS. NOT with prostitutes. there is a YUGE difference. Along with the "private room" comes a muscular fellow named Bruno that bounces you out the door if you TOUCH the stripper. LOL

It is hard to say how far he went, and if he did also use prostitutes, but the "evidence" you have provided is very sparse as far as proving ANYTHING went on except for him watching some girls dance. Divorce him if you have to, but i think you are way over reacting.

If you do not believe me, go with him to the strip club, ask him to get you into a private room with one of his regulars and WATCH what happens.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What are your reasons for wanting to stay married to him?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Talker67 said:


> ^THIS^
> 
> He is hanging out with STRIPPERS. NOT with prostitutes. there is a YUGE difference. Along with the "private room" comes a muscular fellow named Bruno that bounces you out the door if you TOUCH the stripper. LOL
> 
> ...


Wow. Some guys sure don't get it, do they?? Or maybe they're trying to justify something.

You have totally and completely missed the point here.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

I get the general point most are TRYING to make, that strippers are BAD, and any man who would go see a stripper MUST BE BAD, and SHOULD be divorced. LOL

That just is not true, unless you are living in the Bible Belt or something.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Talker67 said:


> I get the general point most are TRYING to make, that strippers are BAD, and any man who would go see a stripper MUST BE BAD, and SHOULD be divorced. LOL
> 
> That just is not true, unless you are living in the Bible Belt or something.


Like I said, you TOTALLY missed the point.

The fact this guy did what he did with strippers is beside the point. It could have been with college sorority sisters, or desperate housewives, or reality show stars. It makes NO difference WHO he did it with - it's WHAT he did. Read this post again



Hope1964 said:


> 'Going' to a strip club is in a totally different league than getting lap dances and private rooms repeatedly, facetiming with strippers, whacking off online with them, exchanging phone numbers with them, texting them, and exchanging raunchy pics with them. All while not wanting sex with your wife, and for 12 years.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

*Proof*

Strip Clubs do not exploit women. 

Strip Clubs exploit men. 

Weak men can be exploited. Men who are too beta so they just sit there and dream. They just keep coming back for more and more. Addicted. 

It's more than a habit. They are addicted to the action (and lack of it). 

Poor exploited boys.

And their empty wallets.

Dude is having and EA with these clubs big time. The Fog is thick and smoky. PA? Dunno.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> 'Going' to a strip club is in a totally different league than getting lap dances and private rooms repeatedly, facetiming with strippers, whacking off online with them, exchanging phone numbers with them, texting them, and exchanging raunchy pics with them. All while not wanting sex with your wife, and for 12 years.




And if you read my post you would have seen that I made no comment on the relationship, but instead talked about many misconceptions about strip clubs. Since the TAM crowd is building a circumstantial case I felt it important to inject some reality about the strip clubs. I believe my description is very accurate.

We're talking about someone else's relationship and I see extreme conclusions based on factually incorrect information

OP's H may well be a cad and done other things to warrant a divorce, but piling on with pitchforks isn't really necessary IMO.

Of course I'm not triggered here but many others are 

Many LTR's suffered from sexless periods from time to time as well for many reasons.

Again I'm not evaluating OP's relationship so no need to argue with me about that unless you feel a need to vent


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TheTruthHurts said:


> And if you read my post you would have seen that I made no comment on the relationship, but instead talked about many misconceptions about strip clubs. Since the TAM crowd is building a circumstantial case I felt it important to inject some reality about the strip clubs. I believe my description is very accurate.
> 
> We're talking about someone else's relationship and I see extreme conclusions based on factually incorrect information
> 
> ...


OK if you think I'm triggered and venting..............................:scratchhead: I took what the OP said and pointed out that what her husband is doing is far and away NOT 'going' to strip clubs.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

And just in case you care, I've been known to enjoy the odd striptease myself in my day..............male and female.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> OK if you think I'm triggered and venting..............................:scratchhead: I took what the OP said and pointed out that what her husband is doing is far and away NOT 'going' to strip clubs.




Ha ha I knew you couldn't resist responding. Twice! Ha got you!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Allrighty then...................are we playing a game?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

redpoppies34 said:


> Ugh. My story gets worse and worse. So after a massive search on my husbands phone I find for the past ten years he has been going to strip clubs with friends, getting private rooms for lap dances (god knows what else) I pray just a lap dance. *Then he gets their phone number. One he texted on for a year. I found nude pictures, raunchy poses, that she sent him. *They seemed to text like friends and it was bothersome. I found other strippers, seems like there must be 8 or so and they last for a time. *With two, she was sending him racy photos, he would text her on the way home to our house asking her to contact him then. He asked for nude pics, and FaceTime with her.* Once he flat out asked for it but the girl wasn't there. Then with another I'm sure he face timed bc then the *next time he asked he said "I couldn't wait for you I had to go ahead, hope you aren't mad"... "I needed release".*
> 
> My husband is a pervert. Its not like we weren't having sex. We were! I never turned him down. He turned me down. He says "oh, well we fought a lot". Funny thing is we fought bc he was so unaffectionate and cold which is probably due to this stripper stuff.
> 
> ...


Honestly, I really don't have a problem with most strip clubs. But, yes, in the sleazier establishments it's entirely possible to get much more than a "no touch" lap dance in the private VIP rooms. 

And, frankly, I think it's the bolded items in the OP's first post on this thread that indicates that what's been going on is a whole lot more than her husband just visiting strip clubs. He's taking his interactions with strippers out into the real world, exchanging tests, pictures, and sexual banter with them. Multiple women, over many years. Even if he were meeting these women at work or church, it wouldn't be okay for him to have ongoing sexting (at the very least) relationships with women who are not his wife.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TheTruthHurts said:


> And if you read my post you would have seen that I made no comment on the relationship, but instead talked about many misconceptions about strip clubs. Since the TAM crowd is building a circumstantial case I felt it important to inject some reality about the strip clubs. I believe my description is very accurate.
> 
> We're talking about someone else's relationship and I see extreme conclusions based on factually incorrect information
> 
> ...



TH, why all the justifying about strip clubs? I think it is downright disrespectful to your wife. How would you like her going to see guys in the full monty on a regular basis and ogling (not touching) them all night and maybe putting a few dollars down their G string? 
Your justifications are pathetic and you are lucky if your wife is still with you, that is no place for a married man period.


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## redpoppies34 (Dec 14, 2016)

Thanks everyone. We have four kids. I just don't want to ruin my family. I feel like what my husband did was a lack of respect not only for me but our whole family life. He was toying with our family. He said to me "I honestly didn't think you would care" . f -ing false. He knew I would not tolerate that. I told him so. The thing is we had sex every week or couple weeks. It was only the last year that we fought a lot and had sex once a month. Trust me, the sex was good. I would be flexible and anytime he wanted. he turned me down. Always tired, always working out. One thing he could blame on me is that my youngest son tried to sleep in our bed for years. But I always tried to work around this by offering myself other times of the day. He was completely taken care of. I do feel partly like he did this to get back at me or a control thing. Like bc he couldn't control me. I talk to our counselor next Friday.

We went to a party tonight and I asked some of his guy friends (who I know were at strip joints with him) and I asked so do you get lap dances? they said maybe an occasional one. They looked at me funny when I said, "do you take down strippers phone numbers" and they were like, uh, no.

So I told my husband this in the car and he got all pissed that I brought it up .Like he wants to not speak of it ever again. Tough ****. It could take years to get over. He got out of the car and refused to ride with me. So I drove home alone. I want to tell his father. I want to tell my mother. My brother. Its so embarrassing for me to tell. I don't want to hurt my children. I love him. But he couldn't possibly love me if he treats me this way.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

aine said:


> TH, why all the justifying about strip clubs? I think it is downright disrespectful to your wife. How would you like her going to see guys in the full monty on a regular basis and ogling (not touching) them all night and maybe putting a few dollars down their G string?
> 
> Your justifications are pathetic and you are lucky if your wife is still with you, that is no place for a married man period.




I'd have no problem with it. In fact I think it would be a hoot. I trust her completely and she trusts me. Plus I like sex. A lot.

You are confused or your emotions are preventing you from comprehending what I've very clearly written. There are no justifications of anything. Just a fact based account of some content previously discussed and misrepresented.

Strip clubs are actually FOR men - married and single - and they exist within a short distance from most locations in the United States. So to me that is evidence that your opinion about where married men should be is definitely NOT a majority opinion. The places would go out of business if your opinion was more widely held.

And I still haven't offered any opinion on the OP's H, mostly because of responses like yours - I suspect people wouldn't comprehend my thoughts or might find them contradictory.

Carry on then.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Rowan said:


> Honestly, I really don't have a problem with most strip clubs. But, yes, in the sleazier establishments it's entirely possible to get much more than a "no touch" lap dance in the private VIP rooms.
> 
> 
> 
> And, frankly, I think it's the bolded items in the OP's first post on this thread that indicates that what's been going on is a whole lot more than her husband just visiting strip clubs. He's taking his interactions with strippers out into the real world, exchanging tests, pictures, and sexual banter with them. Multiple women, over many years. Even if he were meeting these women at work or church, it wouldn't be okay for him to have ongoing sexting (at the very least) relationships with women who are not his wife.




Totally agree


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

redpoppies34 said:


> Thanks everyone. We have four kids. I just don't want to ruin my family. I feel like what my husband did was a lack of respect not only for me but our whole family life. He was toying with our family. He said to me "I honestly didn't think you would care" . f -ing false. He knew I would not tolerate that. I told him so. The thing is we had sex every week or couple weeks. It was only the last year that we fought a lot and had sex once a month. Trust me, the sex was good. I would be flexible and anytime he wanted. he turned me down. Always tired, always working out. One thing he could blame on me is that my youngest son tried to sleep in our bed for years. But I always tried to work around this by offering myself other times of the day. He was completely taken care of. I do feel partly like he did this to get back at me or a control thing. Like bc he couldn't control me. I talk to our counselor next Friday.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You did great! Absolutely. So it's not like these guys are the bad influence - but your H might be that guy.

He got pissed because the best defense is sometimes an offense. His actions aren't defendable. He's bluffing and making a scene so you rug sweep this.

Stand your ground and don't let him ignore this. Ask him to get IC and tell him you'll consider MC after he first talks to someone and tried to understand why this destroys the trust in your marriage. He can't move forward until he understands how far past any reasonable boundary he's gone.

And let him know you don't know what you will do about this and you will decide when you're ready to decide. In other words, he should get help and you still my not be able to recover the trust.

Unfortunately, as I mentioned, strip clubs are everywhere and some guys somehow don't have good boundaries. Maybe because you can get a lap dance, and there are VIP rooms, it becomes a slippery slope for them.

So even though there are clear boundaries in everyone's mind here, I'm offering the thought that he could still love you and value you and somehow cross these boundaries. It just means he's selfish.

Sorry you're here


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You are working past the shock and into hurt/outraged acceptance of your 'lot.'

He doesn't respect you. He gets to live a double life and when it is unmasked, he has a short period of putting up with your pain & then life goes on. You let him do it.

My mother had 5 children. When my father stepped out of line with a secretary, she booted him out. After a LOT of work, my father was back. She died relatively young and I wound up having heartfelt convos with my dad, who told me that he would have continued with his cheating if she hadn't been so strong.

Your WH has friends who have no trouble talking to you about their strip club visits. Even lap dances. This is an integral part of his life and who he is.

It's actually tawdry and seedy. I would lose respect for my H if I discovered this about him. Respect gone. Trust gone. What is left?

The kids will manage as long as you raise them responsibly and lovingly.

Sorry, I would throw him out.


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## HolyPepa (Dec 23, 2019)

Frankly speaking, I think that it's normal to go to strip clubs. You should talk to him, maybe, it's not so bad as you think.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The OP has not been on TAM since 2017. This is a zombie thread.

The thread is closed.


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## Happiness Hamilton. (Aug 1, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> He needs to go.
> 
> He needs to strip his marriage ring off.
> He needs to strip his horny Strep lying throat. Or slit it.
> ...


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