# Great Article -- 6 Things that Keep you from Moving on After Divorce



## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

I am gulity of every single one of these things and trying to muddle through this painful experience and become a better person. I don't want divorce to define me but I am really stuggling with making that not happen ... and this article helped so I thought maybe it would help someone else.

6 Things That Keep You From Moving on After Divorce | Lisa Arends


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

> It's easy to make excuses for why you can't seem to move on. You're angry, and rightfully so, that your life plan turned out to be written in disappearing ink. Maybe your ex cheated, stealing your ability to trust along with your imagined future. Perhaps your bank account is anemic and all of your energy has to go to replenishing its stores. You might have endured horrible court battles that wounded you and your children. You may be adjusting to life as a single parent or a sole breadwinner.
> 
> But those are all excuses, bindings that keep you lashed to the past. After all, it's easier to say, "I can't move on because of (insert favorite excuse here)" rather than shouldering the responsibility of moving on by yourself.


I haven't finished reading, bit this REALLY stuck out!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

A good read. Thanks Sherri


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

My divorce was fairly recent so maybe I'm just not seeing it yet but I don't get the forgiveness part. Why should I forgive my ex? She betrayed me and I'm supposed to be okay with this person? 

No thanks... I have no intention of forgiving this person ever. I can be civil to her, I really have no anger towards her but rather utter indifference. I could careless what that broken person does. She's a wack job as far as I'm concerned. 

I reserve forgiveness for people who were truely sorry for what they did. Not because they got caught. I'm perfectly capible of moving on with my life without giving her something she doesn't deserve. Who says you have to be at peace with everyone you met in life? Some people are just scum best avoided.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

BetrayedDad,

My ex also cheated so I understand your pain. I think there is a difference between forgiving a spouse's infidelity, and forgiving the fact that they were not perfect people, or even people who didn't do what they said they were going to, especially if you are maintaining any type of co-parenting relationship with her. If you have truly reached indifference towards her, then I think you already have let go of the pain of infidelity and the cause of the divorce (if that was the cause). Guess I'm confused when you say you are indifferent towards her and still say you aren't at peace with her. Shouldn't it be one or the other?


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

This is a really good article. 

Betrayeddad...I think I understand what you are saying. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. I forgive my ex and everyone else involved but that doesn't mean I'll ever forget. Doesn't mean I like her. Just means I let go of the pain and am moving on and whatever she decides to do with her life is hers to claim from here on out. I'm like you in that I'll never forget and I'll never let her into my life ever again. I just live my life for me and the family that chose to stick around. The rest can go screw themselves.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Forgiveness is for your benefit not hers. 

You're not ready yet, and that's fine, but to truly move on you'll need to learn to forgive. 

Nothing is beyond forgiveness.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Forgiveness was for me the MAJOR factor that has let me move onto a much happier, more fulfilling life and into my dream partnership.

There was no infidelity here but my ex was a LD man due to being emotionally stunted. So while I am lucky that I didn't have to forgive any affairs or other difficult issues I did have to forgive him for not being the man he led me to believe he was.

But more importantly than forgiving your ex IMHO it is far more liberating to forgive yourself. Many will say that they are the wronged and all the blame is with the other person but we are all to blame to some degree. In my case I allowed my marriage to continue, I martyred myself for my kids and to keep a man happy because he was in all other ways a good man.

If you cannot find forgiveness for your ex then at least try to forgive yourself. This means taking responsibility for your own actions. Even if you think you did no wrong, some responsibility lies at your feet.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

People don't magically get over a divorce. The fact is, a lot of the stuff lingers. It's impossible not to have a trigger or remember a memory from a past relationship, such as marriage: i mean, it was your life at one point. 

Not all of it really goes away. Kind of like scars. It's the reason I say I will prob not marry again. Why? Because I have already been married. Had I not had the experience, I may feel totally different about wanting to get married. Our pasts shape us.

And I agree with CeeGee and Holland--forgiveness is the big one. Once you can start that path, a lot of the resentments can fade and that is what opens up new doors.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> My divorce was fairly recent so maybe I'm just not seeing it yet but I don't get the forgiveness part. Why should I forgive my ex? She betrayed me and I'm supposed to be okay with this person?
> 
> No thanks... I have no intention of forgiving this person ever. I can be civil to her, I really have no anger towards her but rather utter indifference. I could careless what that broken person does. She's a wack job as far as I'm concerned.
> 
> I reserve forgiveness for people who were truely sorry for what they did. Not because they got caught. I'm perfectly capible of moving on with my life without giving her something she doesn't deserve. Who says you have to be at peace with everyone you met in life? Some people are just scum best avoided.


Forgiving isn't for her, it's for you. Not forgiving means that it's still sitting inside of you eating away... by forgiving her, it allows you to move on, and let it go. It's a learning experience, and just that. I have to tell myself every single day that me getting a divorce is a stepping stone, and that I have to take what I learned from it into the future.

I also realized that if I don't forgive, and that he doesn't forgive... we are just sitting and letting that boil inside of us, and it doesn't do any good. 

You will never forget, but allowing yourself to forgive is allowing yourself to move on from it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Ceegee said:


> Forgiveness is for your benefit not hers.
> 
> You're not ready yet, and that's fine, but to truly move on you'll need to learn to forgive.
> 
> Nothing is beyond forgiveness.


I don't agree with this. I don't believe that you must forgive to move on. What you must do is accept it, let it go and move on. I will never forgive my x wife for what she did to me but moreover what she did to our children........never. Rape, murder, and hurting my kids is a non forgivable offense.

My x and I get along great even though she cheated. We get along great as a conscious effort to put the children first which I have always done and she is catching up on. But I think she is a rotten woman/person, horrible wife and selfish mother. My first two view points will never change. The third is not my determination to make as my kids will decide if she is a good mom and if to forgive her. That's on them when they get older.


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## Legalaff (May 31, 2014)

My separated husband has cheated, lied, abused me physically and mentally. I forgive him but I will never forget what he did, nor that his family condoned his behavior. I am moving on, heading for divorce, or I should re phrase that, looking forward to divorce so all ties are broken him. I am keeping the children, though!


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I think an important thing to note for "forgiveness": you don't have to let the other party know you forgive them. You don't owe them an e-mail or a phone call to let them know you have forgiven them. The important part is knowing, for yourself, that they have no more power over your feelings or thoughts, and they can't make you feel anything anymore.

For me, isolation has been the hardest part. My ex-husband had already fairly well isolated me from the world, and when you're trying to stay present for court dates and for work and not let those nasty e-mails/texts/whatever bug you, it can be hard to find the energy to go out and do things. I've let a lot of things fall to the wayside in the last five months.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Maybe people confuse forgiveness with letting go. When you say you've "forgiven" your cheating ex, might it be that you simply don't care anymore and feel indifference? I feel no need or obligation to forgive someone who hasn't done anything to deserve it, who isn't sorry. I can forgive anyone who is genuinely sorry and does whatever can be done to right the wrong. Just an opinion, no disrespect meant to anyone who believes otherwise.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> *I think an important thing to note for "forgiveness": you don't have to let the other party know you forgive them. You don't owe them an e-mail or a phone call to let them know you have forgiven them. The important part is knowing, for yourself, that they have no more power over your feelings or thoughts, and they can't make you feel anything anymore.*
> 
> For me, isolation has been the hardest part. My ex-husband had already fairly well isolated me from the world, and when you're trying to stay present for court dates and for work and not let those nasty e-mails/texts/whatever bug you, it can be hard to find the energy to go out and do things. I've let a lot of things fall to the wayside in the last five months.


Totally agree.

I actually wrote myself a letter on behalf of my ex. I know him better than anyone, I know he wanted to try to give me closure but he just wasn't equipped with the life skills to do so.
I sat down and wrote the letter I wanted him to have written. I read it over and over to myself for some time then I tore it up. I both let go and forgave him. 

It was the most liberating thing I have ever done, it allowed me to move forward, to reclaim myself and my life. I am happy, content and in a relationship now with a man that I adore, love and crave. If I had not done the work to heal I doubt I would have ever been in a place to allow me to have found this amazing man and love.


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