# Great husband... weird sex life



## Hopegetsmethrough (Jan 3, 2012)

My husband and I have been married 5 years. He is a very hard working and driven man, and a wonderful father to our 18 month old. I am a stay at home Mom and wouldn't have it any other way, even though sometimes it is a very difficult place to be. 

We were both virgins when we married, and sex was very difficult. Very. I never even had an orgasm until after our child was born. When we first started dating, I didn't want to not be touching him. I couldn't wait to kiss him, and thought being able to consummate this portion of our relationship would be fabulous. 

We have sex about twice a week, but we still argue about it constantly. I said I thought 3 times a week would be acceptable, when we recently had a discussion about it, but I wanted time alone with him and frequent date nights. He said once a month, I agreed to twice. I really would appreciate his attention once a week. 

I know there is a deep need in both of our cases, he needs sex to feel needed and desirable. I need one on one time alone with communication and some romance. (He used to be romantic often when we were dating, and that's gone out the window! That's evidently a common marriage faux-pas!) How do we get this going? He stays busy all the time: he repairs people's cars, is studying to take a major test for work, has an iPad and stays on it an inordinate amount of time, does yard-work, refinishes furniture... the list could go on and on. 

So... how is it that I can feel appreciated, cherished and needed when it seems like he will do anything but sit and enjoy my company or engage me in conversation? To have an enjoyable sex life, I know this need of mine is vital, not that his is any less so. I guess this is like the chicken or egg, which comes first? Do I sacrifice my need to feel connected to increase our sex life in the hopes that it will help our connection out of the bedroom?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

My goodness. This should be easy. He gives you one on one communication with a splash of romance thus fulfilling your needs. You in turn feel more amorous towards him which evolves into sex thus fulfilling his need. 

Guys can be so thick skulled its amazing. I can only speak for one man (namely me) but if my wife told me; I need this and if you do this for me I will want to give you more sex then I'd be on it like a dog on a bone. 

Try explaining this to him while purposely not arguing about it. Not arguing is the key. It has to be a situation whereby both parties are willing to listen with an open heart to the needs of the other. Communication is everything. 

My hope is for the best for ya'll


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

This may help if he is open to reading it. I think it explains the differences between men and women very well:

intimacy in marriage


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Hopegetsmethrough said:


> To have an enjoyable sex life, I know this need of mine is vital, not that his is any less so. I guess this is like the chicken or egg, which comes first? Do I sacrifice my need to feel connected to increase our sex life in the hopes that it will help our connection out of the bedroom?


It's good that you recognize your feelings and the cause for them. Many people don't. And it is a chicken and egg situation. You both resent each other for not meeting each other's needs. You say you would meet his needs if he met yours. He would probably say the same thing.

I think a good strategy is just to swallow your pride and break the stalemate. Provide more sex for your husband first. Tell him that you need more time with him. Hopefully, your husband will reciprocate and start giving you his time. If not, you can always back off and try a different strategy (maybe the thermostat).

Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hopegetsmethrough said:


> We have sex about twice a week, but we still argue about it constantly. I said I thought 3 times a week would be acceptable, when we recently had a discussion about it, but I wanted time alone with him and frequent date nights. He said once a month, I agreed to twice. I really would appreciate his attention once a week.


The above is confusing.. At first I thought you meant that you wanted sex three times a week but he wanted it only once a month. 

But now after rereading.. are you saying that he wants sex 2-3 times a week and you agreed to that.

And you want date nights about once a week but he said no… only once a month.

Is this correct? 

How old are you and your husband? 



Hopegetsmethrough said:


> So... how is it that I can feel appreciated, cherished and needed when it seems like he will do anything but sit and enjoy my company or engage me in conversation? To have an enjoyable sex life, I know this need of mine is vital, not that his is any less so. I guess this is like the chicken or egg, which comes first? Do I sacrifice my need to feel connected to increase our sex life in the hopes that it will help our connection out of the bedroom?


There are two things about a woman’s sexuality.. one is that the more sex she has, the more she will want. I think this is nature’s way of making a wife’s sexual desire match that of her husband.

But to even feel close enough to her husband to have sex, she needs her emotional needs to be met by her husband. These can be things like dates, doing things together on a daily basis, help with the children, etc. In the long run men need a lot of this too. Without it a couple falls out of love.

Generally it takes 15 hours a week of time doing date-like things. A date-like thing might be sitting together over a cup of tea/coffee and talking about current events, your visions of the future, etc., playing chess, going for a walk and holding hands. It does not have to be big date stuff. And a real date once a week should be part of the 15 hours.
How can you get your husband to understand this when he’s clueless? You might need to put your foot down and tell him that either he pay attention to what is really needed or the marriage is over. It’s a hard line to take at this point but it’s the truth.

You might benefit from taking a look at the links for building a passionate marriage in my signature block below.


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## Hopegetsmethrough (Jan 3, 2012)

My husband and I are 28 years old. And I'm sorry that was confusing, we agreed to sex three times a week and dates twice a month. (This hasn't happened yet... I'm blaming it on the holidays interrupting)

I'm not sure how I approach it with my clueless husband. He's a great guy and a good provider, but he is not a great soulmate. I know he can be, he swept me off my feet when we started dating. I have the letters to prove it! We dated for about four years and have been married for five, just for a timeline.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think you need to spell it out to him and read some literature together.

I cannot believe he only wants one date a month. You need to feel like his top priority.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hopegetsmethrough said:


> So... how is it that I can feel appreciated, cherished and needed when it seems like he will do anything but sit and enjoy my company or engage me in conversation? To have an enjoyable sex life, I know this need of mine is vital, not that his is any less so. I guess this is like the chicken or egg, which comes first? Do I sacrifice my need to feel connected to increase our sex life in the hopes that it will help our connection out of the bedroom?


Hi Hope ~

Marriage is all about compromises, and sometimes that does involve sacrifices for a period of time. I would indeed suggest trying to meet your husband's needs in the bedroom, joyfully, wholeheartedly, for a period of time and see if that does help. If it doesn't, then you can re-evaluate your strategies and options.

It would be a great thing if our spouses would just do what we want them to first.  But, that rarely works because the only person we have control over is ourself. Therefore, it can only be us in control of our own thoughts and actions that can help move the process forward.

You know what. Hope is a great thing. But sometimes, you just need to take some action to help you get through it. 

Best wishes.


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