# Christian Marraige separated over 6 mos



## SadButterfly (Jun 7, 2015)

My husband of 10 years and I have been separated for 6 months. I never thought anything like this would happen. We are both Christian but he has gotten away from going to church the last couple years. I have been taking the kids and he would not wake up and go. We have 2 small children that my heart breaks for. He has been emotionally and verbally abusing me since the honeymoon phase wore off about a year or two after we married. It started out infrequent then became more regular and more harsh over the years. The last couple years were the worst. He has called me every name in the book. An example would be if he came home from work and the kids had made a mess with toys in the living room and I was cooking dinner but hadn't cleaned up from cooking yet, he would say "I can't even eat dinner in this pig sty, I'm living in hell, you are such a slob, why did you even cook dinner if its going to make a mess like that' then I would say 'I was going to clean up after I'm done cooking, and I can't believe you are talking to me like that, I have been taking care of the kids, cleaning and cooking and you just come in and start yelling at me?' then he would say 'all you do is complain, stop being a b*tch!". Meanwhile my kids can hear all this and I always tell him not to talk like that or cuss in front of the kids. They have cried, my son has yelled 'I hate you daddy' my daughter has said 'daddy you promised to stop yelling at mommy'. I have been nothing but loving and kind to him and if things are not perfect or if he thinks I did something wrong he throws a fit and calls me names, idiot, moron, slob, b*tch, etc. He also does not help at all around the house or taking care of the kids. He feels like since I was a stay at home mom all he had to do was work. He would sleep all the time and ignore me and the kids for days on end. He said he was depressed and that's why he slept a lot. He also got addicted to day trading and lost a lot of our money, most of it was what I saved when I worked before kids, and didn't tell me he lost it. Then when I found out he said he was going to stop but didn't and even lied and said they he wasn't doing it when he was! So now we have trust issues too. We didn't have a relationship in any way for a long time and I would try to be loving and go have fun on date nights but he just didn't seem to care. There have been times I was sick with the flu and other things and he still didn't help me with the kids or house. He would tell me he's done with me when he was mad, but then turn around and say he loved me and try to act nice for a few days until something set him off. It was like Jekyll and Hyde. I finally couldn't take it asked him to leave until he could get help and change. We had gone to counseling a year and a half ago for a few months but he stopped because he said he was sick of being vilified. When I asked him to go he left without even asking to stay, almost like he was happy to go. He started back to counseling after we separated and says he will change and wants to come back but he continued to verbally abuse me over the phone or when he would see me. He started an antidepressant a couple months ago and that has helped him to control his anger but he still seems cold and distant. In the past 6 months he only asks to come see us once a week and there was a time we didn't see him for over 3 weeks because he was "in a bad place". So he wants to come home but doesn't act like he does because wouldn't he be wanting to see us more? We don't have a relationship. He finally asked me to dinner for the first time for our anniversary a few weeks ago but nothing else. He didn't even do anything for my birthday or Valentines Day so it just doesn't make sense. I can also still sense anger even though he hasn't name called like he has hung up on me recently or snapped at me. Sometimes he can be so nice and I want to keep my family together because I know what divorce does to kids, but I can't go back to that horrible environment, I was having panic attacks. He says he's changed but I just don't know what to do. I took a vow before God but he seems to have abandoned me and the kids emotionally. Please help with any advice and prayers. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadButterfly (Jun 7, 2015)

Oh I just want to add that he has never seemed that sexually interested in me. I think the depression may have affected this becuase I consider myself to be an attractive lady. I'm a healthy weight and used to model in college. I used to try to initiate and he would make excuses like his back hurt or tired and then I gave up trying the last couple years. I have no reason to think he's cheating and he promises he doesn't exept maybe porn but he only seems interested in me like once I a blue moon, I'm talking months. It's very sad and has killed my self esteem. He also just told me F*ck You on the phone yesterday becuase I told him he needs to stop calling me things like "insane" in front of the kids like he did last weekend just becuase I wanted to buy gourmet jelly. He said I waste all our money and told the clerk to put it back which was embarrassing. Over $4 jelly he threw a fit and yelled that I'm insane! So obviously he hasn't changed even though he says he's trying to. Then today he came over to watch the kids for a while so I can get something done and seems nice. It's like Jekel and Hyde and I'm so confused.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

He is able to abuse you because you permit it. You want the marriage to work and are willing to go great ends and sacrifice for it, but all he sees in you is someone that he can walk over anytime he likes, which apparently suits him.

My view is you need to cut all contact with him ASAP, do a complete 180, divorce his a$$, and this remove all this BS out of your life. No doubt as soon as he senses that he has lost all power over you he will come back to your door step as sweat as can be asking for another change. That might last 6 months to a year. 

The problem is he has to want to change, which I don't see. No amount of effort on your part is going to change him.

If you are worried about breaking a covenant, don't be. He has basically abandoned with abuse and cruelty and left you. You might not have the piece of paper form the State (divorce) but what is that worth other than a legal matter.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I broke you post into paragraphs so people can read it. A wall of text is really hard on the eyes.



==================================
My husband of 10 years and I have been separated for 6 months. I never thought anything like this would happen. We are both Christian but he has gotten away from going to church the last couple years. I have been taking the kids and he would not wake up and go. We have 2 small children that my heart breaks for. He has been emotionally and verbally abusing me since the honeymoon phase wore off about a year or two after we married. It started out infrequent then became more regular and more harsh over the years. 

The last couple years were the worst. He has called me every name in the book. An example would be if he came home from work and the kids had made a mess with toys in the living room and I was cooking dinner but hadn't cleaned up from cooking yet, he would say "I can't even eat dinner in this pig sty, I'm living in hell, you are such a slob, why did you even cook dinner if its going to make a mess like that' then I would say 'I was going to clean up after I'm done cooking, and I can't believe you are talking to me like that, I have been taking care of the kids, cleaning and cooking and you just come in and start yelling at me?' then he would say 'all you do is complain, stop being a b*tch!". Meanwhile my kids can hear all this and I always tell him not to talk like that or cuss in front of the kids. They have cried, my son has yelled 'I hate you daddy' my daughter has said 'daddy you promised to stop yelling at mommy'. 

I have been nothing but loving and kind to him and if things are not perfect or if he thinks I did something wrong he throws a fit and calls me names, idiot, moron, slob, b*tch, etc. He also does not help at all around the house or taking care of the kids. He feels like since I was a stay at home mom all he had to do was work. He would sleep all the time and ignore me and the kids for days on end. He said he was depressed and that's why he slept a lot. He also got addicted to day trading and lost a lot of our money, most of it was what I saved when I worked before kids, and didn't tell me he lost it. Then when I found out he said he was going to stop but didn't and even lied and said they he wasn't doing it when he was! So now we have trust issues too. 

We didn't have a relationship in any way for a long time and I would try to be loving and go have fun on date nights but he just didn't seem to care. There have been times I was sick with the flu and other things and he still didn't help me with the kids or house. He would tell me he's done with me when he was mad, but then turn around and say he loved me and try to act nice for a few days until something set him off. It was like Jekyll and Hyde. I finally couldn't take it asked him to leave until he could get help and change. We had gone to counseling a year and a half ago for a few months but he stopped because he said he was sick of being vilified. 

When I asked him to go he left without even asking to stay, almost like he was happy to go. He started back to counseling after we separated and says he will change and wants to come back but he continued to verbally abuse me over the phone or when he would see me. He started an antidepressant a couple months ago and that has helped him to control his anger but he still seems cold and distant. In the past 6 months he only asks to come see us once a week and there was a time we didn't see him for over 3 weeks because he was "in a bad place". 

So he wants to come home but doesn't act like he does because wouldn't he be wanting to see us more? We don't have a relationship. He finally asked me to dinner for the first time for our anniversary a few weeks ago but nothing else. He didn't even do anything for my birthday or Valentines Day so it just doesn't make sense. 

I can also still sense anger even though he hasn't name called like he has hung up on me recently or snapped at me. Sometimes he can be so nice and I want to keep my family together because I know what divorce does to kids, but I can't go back to that horrible environment, I was having panic attacks. He says he's changed but I just don't know what to do. I took a vow before God but he seems to have abandoned me and the kids emotionally. Please help with any advice and prayers. Thanks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is an article for you to read. It's about the "cycle of abuse".

Abuse is about control. Few abusers are abusive 100% of the time. They manipulate by dishing out abuse in doses between them being nice... what this does is to keep the victim confuse. It's easy to control a confuse person.

I think that you would benefit from individual counseling that will help you recognize and deal with abuse. Even if the divorce goes through, you need to do this work or your life will be one awful relationship after another.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your children are picking up on your marriage dynamic. And the odds are good they'll repeat it in their own relationships. 

There are far worse things than divorce.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Not sure how you view your marriage as a "Christian" marriage, the way you describe it. Being a Christian, and living as one, are two different things in my opinion (as a lapsed Catholic). He is not treating you in any sort of Christian way whatsoever.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Thanks Ele! Your like a TAM goddess...

*SadButterfly,*
I suggest, before you divorce, that you take a biblical approach. Separate, file for separation, get yourself into a place where you feel welcome, and leave him to himself.

_" To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife."_
*-1 Corinthians 7:10-11*

This doesn't mean that you are seeing what (who) else is out there, it means that you are stepping outside of the marriage to see clearly what is inside.

I would also go to the church, seek help.

_" If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector."_
*-Matthew 18:17*

This hopefully surrounds you with support, and voices of people your husband respects. Its clear he doesn't respect you or the children.

He seems depressed, and probably resentful of choices he has made, pray for him, forgive him, but allow him to feel the weight of his sin, hold him responsible, good strong consequences change peoples behaviours. You have my prayers.

Book suggestion: Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I think I have to agree with Jane, there is nothing Christian like in his behavior. Additionally, it is not good for the kids, it is better to be from a broken home than in a broken home. Therefore I recommend the following:

1. Consult with an attorney, you don't have to file, but you need to know your rights.
2. Set up a visitation schedule for the kids, he needs to learn a routine as much as the kids.
3. Get some exercise, it will help with the stress and make a healthier you.
4. For him to return, he needs to do more than talk about change. He needs individual counseling to deal with his issues and then you need marriage counseling to deal with marriage issues. 

I got to tell you honestly, you probably have a better shot at the lottery than him actually putting in the effort. Even if you file, it will take awhile for everything to be complete, which would give him plenty to take action. I know that you married with the best of intentions and had thought that you would be set for life. However, you should never let anyone disrespect you like he has again. Life is too short.


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## SadButterfly (Jun 7, 2015)

Thank you so much for all your responses. Lately I have had a peace about the separation becuase he has relapsed again into verbal abuse after a few months on a new bipolar medication that I thought was helping and was my last ditch effort and him being on a previous medication and counseling for 1.5 years and many more years of trying to help it and pray for it. I am starting to realize he won't change. However someone brought up talking to the church and we have been to 2 christian counsellors which may count as church members and I have spoken with a pastor at my church myself and he wouldn't go a few months ago, but now says he will go talk to the pastor. I'm wondering if he's sensing my peace about not being with him and is using it as a last ditch effort or he really wants to try to see if he can help. 

I just know some pastors are very anti-divorce and unless there's physical abuse or adultery don't condone ending it. So in a way I'm worried he could give him ammunition against me. Even though the pastor I went to by myself said that God would not want me abused like that and it's ok to go. He won't go to this pastor because he's at our church and felt uncomfortable. However I grew up in a conservative church and wanted to see what the pastor said there too. So I'm not sure this is a good idea but at least I will know I tried everything. 
Also I was a stay at home mom and recently got a work from home sales job that would not support me and my kids even with child support. He said he will provide for us no matter what even if it meant giving more than normal but I wonder if he will if I actually file. This is just so hard!! 
Also any tips for my 4 yr old boy and 6 yr old girl would be appreciated. I feel like they are more emotional than most kids and more attached to me since they've never had an involved dad. Thanks!


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

*THE CURSE OF SIN*
_To the woman he said, "I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you."_
*- Genesis 3:16*

*THE BLESSING OF MARRIAGE*
_" Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,"_
*- Ephesians 5:25*
_" Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man."_
*- Genesis 2:23*
_" In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."_
*- Ephesians 5:28*
_" Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them."_
*- Colossians 3:19*

Does your marriage represent after the fall (Gen 3:16) or restoration (Eph 5:28) to the beginning (Gen 2:23)?
To me it seems more like the post fall curse, _"He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so."_
*- Matthew 19:8*

If it was a Christian marriage, then no, divorce isn't considerable.

Take up your sword, don't fall on it.


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