# Sex and dating



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

So, I am HD. Sex is VERY important to me in a relationship.

Now that I am back in the dating game, I have decided that I am not going to tolerate some things that I did in past relationships. Things such as low drive, having to teach my partner how to make love, communication and jealousy.

I started seeing someone a couple of weeks ago and he seemed amazing while we were texting. I thought wow! This guy can communicate, he seemed to be on the same sexual level as me and he seemed like and overall great man.

We met in person. He did not look like his picture at all, he had difficulties communicating and showed signs that he would be the jealous type (asking me about my exs, where they were and his general tone around honest answers).

Beyond my better judgement, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.

Now I am sitting here debating if I should give him a 3rd chance to live up to my expectations. I just think that he wont because he seemed very insecure in himself, and I just do not want to deal with an emotionally unstable man at this point. Then I think about how he first came off to me and how I could possibly steer him in the right direction if I put some real effort into him.

I am just thinking out loud really.
Anyone have an input?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

xMadame said:


> We met in person. He did not look like his picture at all, he had difficulties communicating and showed signs that he would be the jealous type (asking me about my exs, where they were and his general tone around honest answers).


Go with your gut instinct, it is usually right. There are plenty of other men out there for you to sample, why stop at one who has already not met your expectations?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I often find if it does not start out right it does not get better and things do not go well.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

People are different in person than they are online and if you enter a long term relationship you will be interacting in person (I hope!). If there were lots of great things about him, it might be worth trying again, but it sounds like the entire date just didn't go very well. The real key though is did you enjoy yourself? If you didn't then I don't see any reason for another date. 

As far as sex I think its worth keeping track of bad sex that could get better and just bad sex. Someone who has a desire to please but isn't very good at it might just need practice leaning what you like, but someone who doesn't care about your pleasure will never be a good lover.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

xMadame said:


> We met in person. He did not look like his picture at all, he had difficulties communicating and showed signs that he would be the jealous type (asking me about my exs, where they were and his general tone around honest answers).
> 
> Beyond my better judgment, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.


Someone completely misrepresents themselves and you sleep with them anyway?



xMadame said:


> I am just thinking out loud really. Anyone have an input?


Yes, work on your own issues before you critique others. You're obviously not ready to date based on your poor decision making.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I have to disagree. In retrospect it didn't turn out very well, but it might have. I don't read "against my better judgement" as "it was horrible I feel awful", but just that in hindsight she wishes she hadn't. Thats fine - life is full of doing things that later you realize you shouldn't have done. 

I think the OP is behaving completely reasonably. 





BetrayedDad said:


> Someone completely misrepresents themselves and you sleep with them anyway?
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, work on your own issues before you critique others. You're obviously not ready to date based on your poor decision making.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Move on. You're not exclusive, so keep dating. You can keep him on the back burner. Nothing wrong with having sex with multiple people at the same time! Just be up front, if they ask.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

My first thought was no way...but then, what harm can come from giving it one more try?
He may have been super nervous. If you still deem him as a "fixer upper" after another whirl, then that's not what you are looking for.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

uhtred said:


> I have to disagree. In retrospect it didn't turn out very well, but it might have. I don't read "against my better judgement" as "it was horrible I feel awful", but just that in hindsight she wishes she hadn't. Thats fine - life is full of doing things that later you realize you shouldn't have done.
> 
> I think the OP is behaving completely reasonably.


The biggest factor as to whether you will have a successful dating life is knowing how to decipher red flags and avoiding those pitfalls.

If you're wrong about someone then that's fine. You live and you learn. She wasn't wrong about him. She knew upfront he was a dud.

If she's a "fixer" type thinking she can make it work or if she's the type to "ignore" red flags on the hope it "might" pan out she shouldn't be dating.

On a positive note, I'm glad she's here self reflecting and trying to make better decisions. She simply needs to have HIGHER standards for herself.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

xMadame said:


> Anyone have an input?



I've read a story about another person in a similar situation regarding the struggle to find an HD male partner. Here are some problems you will encounter



Some very intelligent men (perhaps high functioning autism such as engineers) can communicate very well online, but very poorly in person.
Most men do NOT understand that their desired frequency of solo sexual experiences and partnered experiences will NOT be the same. Partnered experiences are way more powerful and satisfying which create a much stronger male refractory period compared to masturbation. So if a guy tell you he thinks he can handle twice a day, in reality once it is with a partner it will be more like once every two days if even that. 
You need to determine what _MODE_ of sex your potential partner desires as some conflict with others (e.g. role play, partner engagement, sensual meditation).

Good luck!

Badsanta


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Meh... you can go out with him one or two more times to see if things improve, but they likely won't.

Why did you have sex with him if he was giving you the bad vibes? I'm HD, too, but I only sleep with someone if we're really clicking. HD =/= promiscuous. Not saying you're promiscuous. Serious question, why did you sleep with him? Sex releases bonding chemicals... you don't want to accidentally bond to a loser.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> you don't want to accidentally bond to a loser.


I am picturing a freak glue accident :grin2:

As others have stated, I don't think you should go beyond your better judgement, especially when you consider all the red flags you noted.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Maybe you should coompare him to someone else, so you can get a better idea.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> Sex releases bonding chemicals... you don't want to accidentally bond to a loser.


I've tried to warn Rover about that, but he didn't listen. Awkwardly enough he and Mallory actually get along quite well even though they are a rather awkward pair.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> Meh... you can go out with him one or two more times to see if things improve, but they likely won't.
> 
> Why did you have sex with him if he was giving you the bad vibes? I'm HD, too, but I only sleep with someone if we're really clicking. HD =/= promiscuous. Not saying you're promiscuous. Serious question, why did you sleep with him? Sex releases bonding chemicals... you don't want to accidentally bond to a loser.


*Did sex happen on your very first date with him? I, for one, am totally opposed to "first date sex!"

I kind of like to get to know my love interest first ~ if we have "clicked" and are seemingly into each other, say on the first date or two, and our inhibitions are mutually lowered, then I have no problem sending out or entertaining signals that speak to getting intimate or even having sex!

I, just like everybody else, want to be in a position of comfort doing it, with my partner also being in their comfort zone as well!*


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

xMadame said:


> ....I have decided that I am not going to tolerate some things that I did in past relationships. Things such as *low drive*, *having to teach my partner how to make love,* communication and jealousy.
> 
> .....he seemed to be on the same sexual level as me and he seemed like and overall great man.
> 
> ...


I want you to read the above, but from the perspective of a man. Then think about what you communicated above. If your date or any future date ever gets a hint of what you said (and your body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. probably will convey the message) they won't want to date you.

First, each and every human being responds to foreplay and sexual stimulation differently. Your saying you aren't going to bother to teach him is basically saying. Hey I am available for an adult version of 20-questions, but you had better guess right on all of the questions or I am kicking you out of the bed.

Seriously, some women prefer being held, some having their feet rubbed, some having their neck and shoulders rubbed, prior to more intimate touching. Some women love to have their breasts and nipple stimulated and others don't. There is no "one size fits all" foreplay routine. You really do have to do a bit of instruction on your preferences.

Second, sex should be fun and playful. That means that sometimes the sex will be great and sometimes it will be a disaster that you both laugh about. I feel sorry for the poor folks to whom each sex act is huge deal. That sets up performance anxiety for both you and your lover. That sure will dampen things down a bit.

Third, your first sexual experience with him "...was just terrible...." I'll bet when he left he knew how you felt. Do you remember when you lost your virginity? Was it a great "the earth moved and I was in bliss moment?" For most of us it was so, so at best. The reason is that sex like anything requires a degree of practice and familiarity with your partner. You wouldn't expect to play great doubles tennis with someone you had just met and got on the court together for the first time would you?

Finally, I will agree with one of the others who commented before me. You are not ready for a serious relationship yet so don't try to impose those standards on the people you are dating. You need some time to heal, clear you soul, and become less needy and demanding. Until then, if you must satisfy your needs, go look for a stud who f-you, not someone who "...seemed like an(d) overall great man...."

But if you do that, watch out for those bonding hormones as they do quickly create the illusion of love.


----------



## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

xMadame said:


> So, I am HD. Sex is VERY important to me in a relationship.
> 
> Now that I am back in the dating game, I have decided that I am not going to tolerate some things that I did in past relationships. Things such as low drive, having to teach my partner how to make love, communication and jealousy.
> 
> ...


Are you looking for a relationship or a project?

I don't want to sound too harsh but are you trying to find someone you want to be with or trying to find someone that you hope you can change into someone you want to be with? Who are you to say what direction he needs to go to be a better person anyway?

You've had 2 dates and it's not what you wanted so move on. Find someone that *is* the person that complements you and gives you what you need from the relationship without having to change who they are. 

If you think he *could* be someone that you want a relationship with then clearly he isn't at the moment.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> Someone completely misrepresents themselves and you sleep with them anyway?
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, work on your own issues before you critique others. You're obviously not ready to date based on your poor decision making.


Wow, there were that many things you didn't like about this guy and you slept with him anyway?? And you're thinking about doing it again?? There's no need to say anything else.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> sometimes it will be a disaster that you both laugh about.


OMG, THAT is like my specialty!

You would think it is common sense not to get honey all over the bed. I was sticking to all the sheets, pillows and covers like velcro!


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> Meh... you can go out with him one or two more times to see if things improve, but they likely won't.
> 
> 
> 
> Why did you have sex with him if he was giving you the bad vibes? I'm HD, too, but I only sleep with someone if we're really clicking. HD =/= promiscuous. Not saying you're promiscuous. Serious question, why did you sleep with him? Sex releases bonding chemicals... you don't want to accidentally bond to a loser.




I was getting mixed vibes. Was contemplating if it was just nerves or not...decided to see.

I do not get bonding chemicals after sex....no bonding with a loser again. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Maybe you should coompare him to someone else, so you can get a better idea.




I already have compared him against my ex's that were amazing guys but nOt good in bed and we just did better as friends and my ex's that were amazing in bed but could not communicate. He did not come even close.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> Wow, there were that many things you didn't like about this guy and you slept with him anyway?? And you're thinking about doing it again?? There's no need to say anything else.




I said give him another chance actually, that does not necessarily mean sleeping him again, I was more thinking seeing him again to see if he just was nervous.

I can guide him in the bedroom, I cannot teach him how to communicate better or not act jealous. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I haven't dated since the early 80's so I'm not sure my advice would be very useful. If my Members Only jacket hadn't been stolen at the height of its popularity I'd probably still have it in my closet.

But I do think if I did date, I'd probably not be in top form on my first outing. I'm definitely eager to please in bed but I'd only be guessing what works for you. So I guess it depends what you mean by a disaster. Was he selfish? That's a huge red flag. Was he too timid? That might be correctable with some positive directions and a few signals (like grabbing him by the ears, pulling him on top, or you jumping on top - none of these are subtle so any HD guy should be able to respond).

But if it sucked and he wasn't that attractive, move on unless he has some other very attractive features that interest you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Oh and BTW someone here said they had hundreds of quick dates via OLD until they found someone suitable.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How old are you, OP? Some of your remarks make me question your maturity.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> How old are you, OP? Some of your remarks make me question your maturity.




Which remarks are those? Please provide specific quotes so that I can directly address them and then I shall reveal my age...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

xMadame said:


> I can guide him in the bedroom, I cannot teach him how to communicate better or not act jealous.


That's too bad. When it comes to mature sexual dynamics in the bedroom, eliminating jealousy is probably the equivalent to cooking without any salt. You just end up with something really bland/healthy that will help reduce your appetite. 

What's that badsanta? 

Yes, that is right! I'm all the time bragging to my wife at how awesome sex is when I'm alone by myself, and that there is no way she can ever compete with my own fantasy that I have of her in my mind. She usually gets jealous, proves me horribly wrong, and makes me take back everything I just said earlier! 

>

Badsanta


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My advise, dont have sex with anyone until you know them really well and its about love as well as lust. Sex without love is empty and pointless and will never benefit you in the long term. It will just mess you up more and more the more people you sleep with.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

xMadame said:


> Which remarks are those? Please provide specific quotes so that I can directly address them and then I shall reveal my age...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Maybe "remarks" was the wrong choice of words on my part. It is more of an impression, and I may be off.

You slept with someone you weren't really attracted to, who was likely not completely honest in communication of his appearance, who acted insecure, and the chemistry was not really there.

The whole sequence just seems...To lack maturity.

I am not trying to be insulting and am sorry if it comes off that way, but that is my impression.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

xMadame said:


> Which remarks are those? Please provide specific quotes so that I can directly address them and then I shall reveal my age...



Badsanta geting out his graphic calculator and fact checking...













xMadame said:


> I get drunk. My friends get drunk, almost everyone gets drunk.
> 
> In my *almost 40 years of life and 24 of them spending many nights intoxicated*, not ONCE has a male "friend" put me into his bed so I can "sleep it off".
> 
> They have all (tried to) f*ck me...


OK, hmmmm "almost 40!" Let's say 38, now subtract 24 and you have been drinking and getting into bed with men since you were 14? OK... now if you have been drunk for 24 years, none of those count and alcohol kills your brain cells, so... give me a minute here... 

OMG this CAN'T be right! My graphic calculator just plotted this:










Will somebody check my math please?

Badsanta


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Badsanta geting out his graphic calculator and fact checking...
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Lol. 39. I said many of them have been spent drinking....when I was younger and single we went out 2-3 nights a week (11 years). Now that I am older we have a girls night once a week (7 years) When I was married it was once every 6 months (6 years).

So let me do the math out of the 8,760 days in since I was 16, I have spent about 1600 of them. 

Never said I started having sex at 14.

Bad Santa twisting my words! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Maybe "remarks" was the wrong choice of words on my part. It is more of an impression, and I may be off.
> 
> You slept with someone you weren't really attracted to, who was likely not completely honest in communication of his appearance, who acted insecure, and the chemistry was not really there.
> 
> ...




I would not call it lack of maturity at all.
We all grow up in different cultures and backgrounds with different values and beliefs.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Btw asking about prior relationships and "tallying" the score isn't necessarily jealousy. Personally I think it's essential to try to get an idea of what the other person is like in a relationship.

Some people have 1 partner over 20 years and others have 20. It's not good or bad either way, but I'd want to know about your past and would share mine.

Connecting with someone else requires understanding their life experiences and perspectives.

Jealousy is a completely different thing. I might find it concerning if you had 20 partners in 20 years, but wouldn't be jealous. There are many reasons for having several prior relationships as we get older. Some good, some bad. Sometimes people stay in a single relationship way too long and shouldn't have. Again - it has more to do with understanding a persons life and relationship experience.

There have been threads here where people have very strong opinions about whether it's ok to ask about someone's past or not ask. I'm not trying to restart that debate. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Btw asking about prior relationships and "tallying" the score isn't necessarily jealousy. Personally I think it's essential to try to get an idea of what the other person is like in a relationship.
> 
> Some people have 1 partner over 20 years and others have 20. It's not good or bad either way, but I'd want to know about your past and would share mine.
> 
> ...


 I wouldnt marry a man unless he would be open with me about his past. I dont believe in keeping secrets in marriage and I believe in complete honesty.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

xMadame said:


> So, I am HD. Sex is VERY important to me in a relationship.
> 
> Now that I am back in the dating game, I have decided that I am not going to tolerate some things that I did in past relationships. Things such as low drive, having to teach my partner how to make love, communication and jealousy.
> 
> ...


I just can't identify with what it must be like to live for your genitals and be on the hunt auditioning guys in bed to see if they're 'sex worthy' before you even know if you like them or what their last name is. What the hell kind of relationship will _that _turn out to be, or are you just looking for a highly trained f*ck buddy who isn't emotionally and socially stunted?

Since your first priority is sex, why don't you just start looking on Adult Friend Finder or some other hookup site?


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I just can't identify with what it must be like to live for your genitals and be on the hunt auditioning guys in bed to see if they're 'sex worthy' before you even know if you like them or what their last name is. What the hell kind of relationship will _that _turn out to be, or are you just looking for a highly trained f*ck buddy who isn't emotionally and socially stunted?
> 
> Since your first priority is sex, why don't you just start looking on Adult Friend Finder or some other hookup site?




Who said my first priority is sex? I am saying finding someone sexually compatible is important to me.

You may think of it as "living by my genitals", I find it finding someone I am sexually compatible with so that I do not have to lay there at night unsatisfied and disconnected.

Intimacy is a MASSIVE part of any relationship, and being criticized because I hold it as one of my priorities is ignorant.

You will also note that my other requirements were communication and not being jealous.

Communication is MASSIVE part of any relationship. If I am not able to talk to a partner about things....what is the point in being in a relationship with them?

Not being with someone jealous either. Rather be able to trust someone and have them trust me and not live in a state of having to defend myself because some guy checks me out at the grocery store and my man notices it.

If you do not hold these three parts of a Relationship as important, then please do not provide insulting and attacking input that is not productive. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I just can't identify with what it must be like to live for your genitals and be on the hunt auditioning guys in bed to see if they're 'sex worthy' before you even know if you like them or what their last name is. What the hell kind of relationship will _that _turn out to be, or are you just looking for a highly trained f*ck buddy who isn't emotionally and socially stunted?
> 
> Since your first priority is sex, why don't you just start looking on Adult Friend Finder or some other hookup site?


Judge much?

Sexual compatibility is a huge component of a successful romantic relationship. In fact, sex is pretty much the only difference between a romantic relationship and a close platonic friendship. Incompatibility in this respect can make an HD person MISERABLE in a relationship, and for those of us who have been there before, there's no way in hell that we're doing THAT again.

I think the OP sees this compatibility as one of the "requirements" that a potential mate must meet to be considered LTR material. How do you know if someone is or is not compatible in this way? You need to do a test drive. And better that you do the test drive before getting attached. I would do the same. Better to sleep with a couple frogs, rather than getting attached to and stuck with a "prince" who turns out to be a dud in bed.

Please stop slvt shaming the OP. Try a little empathy instead.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

xMadame said:


> So, I am HD. Sex is VERY important to me in a relationship.
> 
> Now that I am back in the dating game, I have decided that I am not going to tolerate some things that I did in past relationships. Things such as low drive, having to teach my partner how to make love, communication and jealousy.
> 
> ...


You can't fix him. He has to implement change himself and unless you are struck dumb with love, happened to me over 25 years ago, then putting so much effort into it doesn't seem worth it.

The first sex I had with Mrs. Conan was terrible, both our fault, buy I knew she was the one when I first saw her.

She had a lot of baggage, two divorces and a kid but I was gone when I first saw her.

She has improved so much she isn't recognizable, the sex is off the charts and I planted my own baby in her 4 years after our first date.

It was a hell of a lot of work but well worth it.

If you aren't gagga for this man, don't waste your time.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S.

I'm sure you know how mental/emotional sexual attraction and fulfillment are.

You should have a clue if a guy does it for you way before you hit the bedroom.

The energy, the heat, you will have a very hard time getting thoughts of him out of your head after meeting him, in person of course.

Someone like that is going to be a very good bet to take a chance with.

You shouldn't have to settle for less so don't.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Dating is about discovering compatibility. Personally I'm not very comfortable discussing previous relationships and I would not expect someone I was dating to do so either. I don't think there is anything *wrong* with it, but it is a potential minor incompatibility. 




TheTruthHurts said:


> Btw asking about prior relationships and "tallying" the score isn't necessarily jealousy. Personally I think it's essential to try to get an idea of what the other person is like in a relationship.
> 
> Some people have 1 partner over 20 years and others have 20. It's not good or bad either way, but I'd want to know about your past and would share mine.
> 
> ...


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't see her first or only priority as sex, but it is something that is important to her. That seems fine to me - sex is important to a lot of people. 

If I were dating again, I would also view sex as important and be interested in it fairly early. Badly mismatched sexual interest are extremely difficult to fix, so why not learn about them early? 

Its romantic to think about falling in love with someone before you have sex, but what do you do if you are in love and the sex turns out to be completely incompatible. If one person like handcuffs, leather outfits and role play, and the other thinks anything other thinks anything other than missionary is perverted, the couple is never going to be happy together. So, now that you are in love, what is the plan? Abandon the person you love because they refuse to ever do oral? Live the rest of your live with awful sex?






She'sStillGotIt said:


> I just can't identify with what it must be like to live for your genitals and be on the hunt auditioning guys in bed to see if they're 'sex worthy' before you even know if you like them or what their last name is. What the hell kind of relationship will _that _turn out to be, or are you just looking for a highly trained f*ck buddy who isn't emotionally and socially stunted?
> 
> Since your first priority is sex, why don't you just start looking on Adult Friend Finder or some other hookup site?


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

xMadame - I'm really saddened to see people attacking you. I see nothing wrong with your behavior. Sure, with the information you have now you might have acted differently, but that is completely unfair. With the information I have now, I would have invested in Apple in 1985....


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

uhtred said:


> xMadame - I'm really saddened to see people attacking you. I see nothing wrong with your behavior. Sure, with the information you have now you might have acted differently, but that is completely unfair. With the information I have now, I would have invested in Apple in 1985....


 @xMadame I think you may be looking in the wrong place for help. This area of the forum is devoted to "sex in marriage" and it is a place where most people discuss ongoing issues in long term relationships that have spanned a few years or even a few decades.

Meanwhile you have a new boyfriend and have perhaps had sex once or twice with him and need advice on how to go about deciding if you are going in the right direction. 

I'm sorry, but I have not dated a new person in well over twenty years, but my wife and I do have "date nights" here and there. I doubt very seriously if many people on this forum even remember what dating was like. So in that sense, people here will not be able to relate very well with you.

If you wish to start another thread a revisit what happened in your marriage (seems like you mentioned that), you may get some feedback that will help you make sense of the past so that you can learn from that as you move forwards.

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Dating is about discovering compatibility. Personally I'm not very comfortable discussing previous relationships and I would not expect someone I was dating to do so either. I don't think there is anything *wrong* with it, but it is a potential minor incompatibility.


I can see how you might not find it necessary, but as a woman, I want to know at least a little bit. The way a man talks about his exes and his part relationships can be very revealing about HIS character. I wish I had known that when I met my XH. Looking back, what he told me and the way he told me about his exes should have thrown up a lot of red flags--I was too naive to know that at the time, sadly.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> I can see how you might not find it necessary, but as a woman, I want to know at least a little bit. The way a man talks about his exes and his part relationships can be very revealing about HIS character. I wish I had known that when I met my XH. Looking back, what he told me and the way he told me about his exes should have thrown up a lot of red flags--I was too naive to know that at the time, sadly.


I think the question (or even the issue some encounter) is how much information is appropriate? That of course will vary with each person. Also, any information you get will naturally be one sided, so how much stock can you really put into it. I would definitely lead more towards the minimal side then having someone overshare information about their ex(s).

If her ex was known to stalk wherever she went while carrying a rifle, I would like to know that


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> @xMadame I think you may be looking in the wrong place for help. This area of the forum is devoted to "sex in marriage" and it is a place where most people discuss ongoing issues in long term relationships that have spanned a few years or even a few decades.
> 
> Meanwhile you have a new boyfriend and have perhaps had sex once or twice with him and need advice on how to go about deciding if you are going in the right direction.
> 
> ...


Yes. @xMadame you may get a better response in the "Life After Divorce" section for this type of query. There are lots of people over there who are getting back into dating after being in LTRs or marriages that recently ended, and will definitely relate to your day-to-day experience. Come over to the "Life After Divorce" section. We have cookies.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> I think the question (or even the issue some encounter) is how much information is appropriate? That of course will vary with each person. Also, any information you get will naturally be one sided, so how much stock can you really put into it. I would definitely lead more towards the minimal side then having someone overshare information about their ex(s).


Oh, absolutely. It doesn't have to be a lot of information. Honestly, the most important question to ask about an ex (with whom the guy might have been serious) is: why did you break up? For me, that's pretty much the only thing I want to know. I don't what to know how they met, what the sex was like, etc, etc. I just want to know why they broke up.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> Oh, absolutely. It doesn't have to be a lot of information. Honestly, the most important question to ask about an ex (with whom the guy might have been serious) is: why did you break up? For me, that's pretty much the only thing I want to know. I don't what to know how they met, what the sex was like, etc, etc. I just want to know why they broke up.


A good relationship does need a little information about the past to work but it should be mostly to determine who the person is now and what building a future with them looks like.

I understand the need to know stuff but living in the past will make sure you aren't going to build a future.

I don't understand why people just don't blaze some hot new trails with someone they have found to be awesome instead of navel gazing and reflecting on what was but not what is.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

xMadame said:


> So, I am HD. Sex is VERY important to me in a relationship.
> 
> Now that I am back in the dating game, I have decided that I am not going to tolerate some things that I did in past relationships. Things such as low drive, having to teach my partner how to make love, communication and jealousy.
> 
> ...


It took me two wives and 25 years with the second one to learn how to be good in bed. 

Some are late bloomers, or simply inexperienced or uneducated. The key is his attitude towards sex. You never know. In time, he may have the capacity to be your best ever. 

It is possible.

Just giving you another view point.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Attitude is everything in the bedroom. I admit that I am high libido, and always have been. My wife for many years was not as high as myself, HOWEVER...after menopause, without hormone replacement, her level jumped significantly. We have always been considerate of one another's needs in the bedroom, now it has become marathon sessions, every other day, (we're in our 60's) and spending time looking toward the heavens and remarking, "God has the weirdest sense of humor", giving us the sex life of teenagers while in our "golden" years. To keep up with one another requires some time in the gym and eating really well (when I am not eating her)


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you already found out that he misses on two of your three important points. He seems jealous and he's not a good communicator. Even if he'd been a dynamo in the sack, he still wouldn't have been what you wanted in the two other areas you've expressed as important to you. So, even if he's sexually "trainable", he still won't be what you want in those two other ways. Unless you know you're just in it for the shag (which is perfectly fine by the way, as long as you're honest with yourself and your partner about it) I see no need to sexually "test drive" a man you already know isn't what you want in other ways. Look for a partner, not a project. Once he's already failed in one or more significant areas of desire/compatibility, you really don't have to make sure he fails in all the others before it's okay to "next" him. An F in two out of three subjects is more than plenty to just move along and look for a better candidate.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> I want you to read the above, but from the perspective of a man. Then think about what you communicated above. If your date or any future date ever gets a hint of what you said (and your body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. probably will convey the message) they won't want to date you.
> 
> First, each and every human being responds to foreplay and sexual stimulation differently. *Your saying you aren't going to bother to teach him is basically saying. Hey I am available for an adult version of 20-questions, but you had better guess right on all of the questions or I am kicking you out of the bed.*
> 
> ...


As to the first bolded part....who cares? If he isn't already a good sexual match for her and she doesn't want to teach him, then they should both move on. That's the POINT of dating. The point is NOT to take someone who is not right for you and try to "be patient" until they suddenly, magically change into someone who is right for you.

Having been dating myself for about a year now, and being a highly sexual person, sexual compatibility is something I discuss and try to reach common ground on before we ever even get close to having sex. In my experience, men who are as sexual as I am LOVE those conversations and we are very open and healthy about it. Also in my experience, men who get weird about it are NOT going to be a good match for me. Again, who cares? Why would anyone waste time trying to make someone who is not a match into a match? As we all know around here....IT NEVER WORKS. And they aren't supposed to "guess" the right answers to the 20 questions...they are supposed to answer authentically so that I can kick them to the curb if we aren't a match or they can kick me to the curb, if they think we aren't a good match. That's the whole point! We are eliminating non-matches as quickly as possible so as not to waste time.

As to the second bolded part....f*ck yes I'd expect to play great tennis with someone I had just met, if I was a great tennis player myself and had identified that this person might be a match to me. Of the 3 lovers I've had in my life I had wonderful compatibility with, all 3 of them rocked my world the first time and all the other times, too. That's what a highly sexual person expects and is seeking. On the other hand...the only lovers I've had mediocre sex with the first time, it was mediocre EVERY time after that, too. (None of those lasted long). 

I think a lot of men simply can't handle hearing about it when women talk about how some men SUCK IN BED. They get weird about it even on an anonymous forum. I'm sorry guys but some men really are horrible lovers and it is NOT worth trying to teach them. Obviously this is true about some women, too.

Even @UMP admits he was a horrible lover and he flat out IGNORED his wife's input for decades. He was able to turn it around after an epiphany. However, most men who suck in bed NEVER DO have that epiphany.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

UMP said:


> It took me two wives and 25 years with the second one to learn how to be good in bed.
> 
> Some are late bloomers, or simply inexperienced or uneducated. The key is his attitude towards sex. *You never know. In time, he may have the capacity to be your best ever*.
> 
> ...


Going forward with the hopes of this happening is the worst advice ever. Like in your case, is she supposed to wait for 25 years and also have to teach him along the way? Why would anyone sign up for that?

There are so many wonderful men out there who will already be compatible to begin with. That's what she needs and she should not settle for less.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

W


Faithful Wife said:


> Going forward with the hopes of this happening is the worst advice ever. Like in your case, is she supposed to wait for 25 years and also have to teach him along the way? Why would anyone sign up for that?
> 
> There are so many wonderful men out there who will already be compatible to begin with. That's what she needs and she should not settle for less.


While I am a very patient and accomplished teacher in the bedroom, no way in hell am I waiting a year much less 25!

No offense but I'm too damn horny that if Mrs. Conan and I didn't figure it out somewhat in the bedroom, after a couple of months I would have been threatening to punch hamsters!

I am a proponent of FW's "sexdar" idea. I just call it mutual heat or attraction but when Mrs. Conan first kissed me, it was like she was pouring every ounce of passion and desire she possessed into my mouth!

Within a week I was addicted to attacking her and had her making animal noises.

I do agree that everyone can, and should, work to improve their sexuality but the key is desire to do so.

Mrs. Conan had one restriction that I had no interest in anyway so communication definitely helped.

xMadame should not spend more time with this guy because not enough is there to work with.

She probably shouldn't have had sex with him when she wasn't feeling it in other areas but that area isn't really going well either.

I say move on.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I just can't identify with what it must be like to live for your genitals and be on the hunt auditioning guys in bed to see if they're 'sex worthy' before you even know if you like them or what their last name is. What the hell kind of relationship will _that _turn out to be, or are you just looking for a highly trained f*ck buddy who isn't emotionally and socially stunted?
> 
> Since your first priority is sex, why don't you just start looking on Adult Friend Finder or some other hookup site?


I so agree with this. To me sex and love go hand in hand, if there is no love then sex for me is pointless and sordid. You learn together and as time goes by the sex gets better as you learn what gives the other pleasure. 

I just cant imagine having sex with loads of men as a sort of 'test' as to who you judge to be good in bed. The sort of men who would sleep around are rarely interested in what you like, but what they want. The same for women who do this.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> Going forward with the hopes of this happening is the worst advice ever. Like in your case, is she supposed to wait for 25 years and also have to teach him along the way? Why would anyone sign up for that?
> 
> There are so many wonderful men out there who will already be compatible to begin with. That's what she needs and she should not settle for less.


 You will rarely find a good decent man though engaging in casual sex.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> You will rarely find a good decent man though engaging in casual sex.


Different strokes for different folks. Men are not by definition "indecent" just because they want to get the sexual compatibility part done and dusted before they become emotionally attached.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> You will rarely find a good decent man though engaging in casual sex.


Diana, I am not a proponent of promiscuity and while my values and life rules align with yours, I know that all of humanity is a mess and God doesn't see me (60 women before marriage) any dirtier than my friend (0 women before marriage) and He blessed us both.

The truth is that you do meet good mates in all kinds of situations regardless of going to church or beliefs.

I do believe xMadame made a bad choice with this man but she isn't part of our belief system and is not subject to our way of life.

I have never committed adultery and my wife has never cheated on me despite our less than stellar records but I have lost track of the number of marriages destroyed by infidelity and/or sexual dysfunction within church organizations.

I'm not berating our belief system but just want to point out that we all have the same problems and weaknesses. I have learned not to be short with folks that aren't believers. It doesn't really make sense to try and impose our point of view on people that aren't even claiming brotherhood with us.

Sorry for thread jack.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I will disagree. I've been married >25 years but I did date before that and that dating did include casual sex. There was a woman I dated where sex was sort of the first thing that happened - college trip, lots of us sharing a hotel room - she quietly climbed into my bed....

I don't think I'm a particularly bad person. I think sex is a great thing for two adults to enjoy. I'd prefer it to be with someone I love, but I see nothing wrong with casual sex. 






Diana7 said:


> You will rarely find a good decent man though engaging in casual sex.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Actually I agree. I just meant that I'm not interested in details, I don't want to know everyone she has slept with or what she did with them. I would be interested in general information



FeministInPink said:


> I can see how you might not find it necessary, but as a woman, I want to know at least a little bit. The way a man talks about his exes and his part relationships can be very revealing about HIS character. I wish I had known that when I met my XH. Looking back, what he told me and the way he told me about his exes should have thrown up a lot of red flags--I was too naive to know that at the time, sadly.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> You will rarely find a good decent man though engaging in casual sex.


Decent men don't engage in casual sex?

Or only "very rarely"?

Ridiculous.

That aside...the OP wasn't looking to get a decent man through casual sex. She was beginning a dating relationship with him, and had sex with him, as is common in most dating relationships.

My posts above referred to her actual experience and my own, of beginning to date someone and then you have sex with them. This in no way implies "casual sex" to either party. They both knew they were interested in each other and wanted to see if there was potential for a relationship. This includes testing the sexual waters. If they did that and it was great, they would be dating more and more right now and hopefully having more great sex as they get to know each other in other ways too. Ie: DATING. But they had sex, and it _wasn't_ great. So here we are discussing it. She wonders if she should bother to give it another go.

There has been nothing said that implies anyone is talking about casual sex.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Holdingontoit said:


> Different strokes for different folks. *People* are not by definition "indecent" just because they want to get the sexual compatibility part done and dusted before they become emotionally attached.


Fixed your post.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

xMadame said:


> Beyond my better judgement, I decided to give him a chance and the sex was just terrible.
> 
> Now I am sitting here debating if I should give him a 3rd chance to live up to my expectations. I just think that he wont because he seemed very insecure in himself, and I just do not want to deal with an emotionally unstable man at this point. Then I think about how he first came off to me and how I could possibly steer him in the right direction if I put some real effort into him.
> 
> ...


I figure meeting him and trying him out has told you all you need to know, that said if you do want to try again give it a go.

Although I doubt he'll get or be better, it's not the end of the world to give him the benefit of the doubt. Especially if you're still curious or still wanting to scratch that itch without anyone else being available.

So regardless of what you choose or have chosen, I hope you have plenty of fun enjoying the wonderful world of dating.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Did sex happen on your very first date with him? I, for one, am totally opposed to "first date sex!"*


*

Since sex on a first date can sometimes be terrific fun, I'm not opposed to it at all.*


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

jb02157 said:


> Wow, there were that many things you didn't like about this guy and you slept with him anyway?? And you're thinking about doing it again?? There's no need to say anything else.


Sometimes it's nice just to scratch that itch.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> Serious question, why did you sleep with him? Sex releases bonding chemicals... you don't want to accidentally bond to a loser.


Probably for the same reason I would on a first date, perhaps she wanted to have some sex and was hoping it would be fun. Plus dating being the interview that it is, lest one waste too much time on someone who doesn't work, it can't hurt to check what's under the bonnet and have a test drive.

As to bonding, I don't know about you, but I've never bonded with people who suck sexually (figuratively rather than literally).


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> My advise, dont have sex with anyone until you know them really well and its about love as well as lust. Sex without love is empty and pointless and will never benefit you in the long term. It will just mess you up more and more the more people you sleep with.


My advice is to have sex with whomever you like early on. Lest you waste time investing in a sexual relationship with them, when they not up to par sexually.

As to being messed up, if someone has experienced significant sexual trauma and or has been brought up to or otherwise come to believe all sorts of nonsense about sex. Yes they might get messed up.

On the other hand if someone has a healthy sexual outlook, doesn't buy prescriptive perspectives on sex and knows themselves. Chances are having consenting sex with any number of people just isn't a big deal at all.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> Seriously, some women prefer being held, some having their feet rubbed, some having their neck and shoulders rubbed, prior to more intimate touching. Some women love to have their breasts and nipple stimulated and others don't. There is no "one size fits all" foreplay routine. You really do have to do a bit of instruction on your preferences.
> 
> Second, sex should be fun and playful. That means that sometimes the sex will be great and sometimes it will be a disaster that you both laugh about. I feel sorry for the poor folks to whom each sex act is huge deal. That sets up performance anxiety for both you and your lover. That sure will dampen things down a bit.
> 
> Third, your first sexual experience with him "...was just terrible...." I'll bet when he left he knew how you felt. Do you remember when you lost your virginity? Was it a great "the earth moved and I was in bliss moment?" For most of us it was so, so at best. The reason is that sex like anything requires a degree of practice and familiarity with your partner. You wouldn't expect to play great doubles tennis with someone you had just met and got on the court together for the first time would you?


Seriously some people are great musicians and can play a great tune together the first time they meet. Or can create great prose or paintings together when they first work together.

Just like some people first time around have no trouble sharing great sex together. Sure lots of women (and men) are different, and even those can like different things variably at different times even on the same day. Yet for some people both men and women, it's very easy to read them, feel them and respond to them while being into them all over when sharing sex.

Some men and some women really can easily play new partners like a violin.

The coolest thing is coming to find that you are not alone and realising that more than one partner is capable of sharing tremendous sex. So in the end you come to realise that you can find other/s who are sexually compatible instead of settling for a lesser partner, because chances are you will meet more compatible people, have sex with them and enjoy yourself doing it along the way.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

uhtred said:


> I don't see her first or only priority as sex, but it is something that is important to her. That seems fine to me - sex is important to a lot of people.
> 
> If I were dating again, I would also view sex as important and be interested in it fairly early. Badly mismatched sexual interest are extremely difficult to fix, so why not learn about them early?
> 
> Its romantic to think about falling in love with someone before you have sex, but what do you do if you are in love and the sex turns out to be completely incompatible. If one person like handcuffs, leather outfits and role play, and the other thinks anything other thinks anything other than missionary is perverted, the couple is never going to be happy together. So, now that you are in love, what is the plan? Abandon the person you love because they refuse to ever do oral? Live the rest of your live with awful sex?


Yep.

For me it's always been easier to test for sexual compatibility at the beginning of a relationship. If the sex works, then it may go further if other things work as well. If the sex doesn't work, going any further is a pointless exercise in any sexual relationship.

If it works great, if it doesn't, oh well at least we know either way.

One of the standout things for me after having sex with a number of different women. Is that there is a significant difference between mutually experiencing great sex, versus mutually or differentially experiencing woeful, mediocre, okay, good, or great sex.

Like anything else that we humans do, some people are better at sex than others, some learn to get better, some never get better, while some others have a natural talent for it that they build upon with more experience.

As far as I see it, having sex on a first date and finding out it sux with that person. Is far better than having sex after a marriage and finding out it sux with that person.

That said I don't doubt that some people wait till marriage and win the sexual compatibility lottery.

The thing is what do you do with the dead albatross draped around your neck, when you get married and don't win that lottery?

Having experienced a kaleidoscope of sexual relationships before my current partner of almost 21 years. I've experienced both good and bad, so knowing better I won't settle for less.

On the other hand for those who haven't experienced the difference, how on earth do some of them know that they've got the stinking albatross?


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

UMP said:


> It took me two wives and 25 years with the second one to learn how to be good in bed.
> 
> Some are late bloomers, or simply inexperienced or uneducated. The key is his attitude towards sex. You never know. In time, he may have the capacity to be your best ever.
> 
> ...


:surprise: Ouch...

I think it's terrific that you and your wife finally found a way to enjoy each other sexually after such an extraordinary amount of time.

That said, Many of us don't feel compelled to fritter away 25 years, on someone who might but probably won't get there in the end.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> You will rarely find a good decent man though engaging in casual sex.


A better and more realistic way to put this would be to say.

You might or might not find a good decent man through engaging in a single instance or a limited amount of casual sex. While you will probably experience both "good" and "bad" men if you engage in even more casual sex.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personal said:


> My advice is to have sex with whomever you like early on. Lest you waste time investing in a sexual relationship with them, when they not up to par sexually.
> 
> As to being messed up, if someone has experienced significant sexual trauma and or has been brought up to or otherwise come to believe all sorts of nonsense about sex. Yes they might get messed up.
> 
> On the other hand if someone has a healthy sexual outlook, doesn't buy prescriptive perspectives on sex and knows themselves. Chances are having consenting sex with any number of people just isn't a big deal at all.


 I don't judge people by how they perform in bed. I am attracted by their integrity, kindness, moral values, self control, how they treat me, whether they respect me etc. If those things are right, then I have no worries about the sex later on.Good loving sex isnt based on how we 'perform,' but how we express love to each other, its something we work on and improve as time goes by. 
If a man wants to have sex after a very short time, then that would put me off completely. 
A young lady I know was dating a guy and after only a few dates was pressuring her into sex. Despite the fact that she told him that she wasn't ready, that she didnt want sex until they were really serious and committed, he still kept on despite saying that he respected her for her stand. Thankfully she got fed up with the pressure and ended it.She is worth more than that.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I don't judge people by how they perform in bed. I am attracted by their integrity, kindness, moral values, self control, how they treat me etc. If those things are right, then I have no worries about the sex later on.


I do judge them because for me it matters and does make a difference between having meh sex versus wow.

I will also add it isn't an either or proposition, lots of people who "do great sex"and will have it at the beginning of a sexual relationship also have integrity, kindness, moral values and self control, such things really aren't mutually exclusive.

For people like my wife and I, we feel that investing our hearts in a sexual relationship with someone we discover we are loathe to have sex with, is wasting time barking up the wrong tree.

Hence why we prefer to test drive sexual partners early, when looking for sexual partners.



Diana7 said:


> Good loving sex isnt based on how we 'perform' but how we express love to each other, its something we work on and improve as time goes by.


You can love somebody until the cows come home, yet that in itself can't make the sex any better if you and your partner don't work well sexually, or if one of you are inept at it.

At the end of the day anybody can draw, yet no matter how much they practice most people aren't going to draw as well as me. Some people appreciate stick figure drawing, while others don't like anything that is nothing but a work of art, or at the very least a snazzy illustration.

Likewise Some of us have higher sexual expectations and some of us have lesser ones. Neither are right or wrong, all that matters is what works for you.



Diana7 said:


> If a man wants to have sex after a very short time, then that would put me off completely.


Which is what dating is all about, if you don't want to have sex in a short time and the other person does you are not compatible. Likewise for my wife and I, anyone who waits a long time for sex would put us off completely.



Diana7 said:


> A young lady I know was dating a guy and after only a few dates was pressuring her into sex. Despite the fact that she told him that she wasn't ready, that she didnt want sex until or if they were really serious and committed, he still kept on despite saying that he respected her for her stand. Thankfully she got fed up with the pressure and ended it.


Good for her, evidently they didn't want the same thing. That being the case it is a complete waste of time for either of them to press on to no end or worse a miserable end.

I've had sex with plenty of women, turned down a decent number of others as well and have been married twice.

My first wife saw me at a party and asked a friend to ask me to talk to her. Shortly after that she asked me to kiss her, after a few hours of talking and snogging she asked me to have sex with her, so we then had sex.

Between my first wife and my second (current) wife. I have been with various women of whom most of them asked me out on dates and or offered me sex. The norm for me was sex on the first or second date, with no particular pressure from me, it just tended to be a mutual we can't keep our hands and mouths off of each other which quickly led to sex. Or they'd simply say something like, "do you want to have sex?".

In my experience if a woman viscerally wants to have sex with you, it's a bit hard to miss. So pressure really isn't a thing, she either wants to or not and you either want to or not. Then if you are both on the same page get on with it. If you aren't on the same page then the following works, "it was fun, but I'm/we aren't feeling it, so we won't drag this out any further".

My second wife met me at work and despite seeing another guy was keen on me, so after about a week of talking at her instigation, she asked me out on a lunchtime date.

Which we then followed with an evening date on the same day, where we watched a movie together and had a feed. Then at her invitation went back to her place and snogged a lot, talked a lot more, then fell asleep in her bed without having sex.

She then dumped the other guy and after a few days, we went on another date, which ended in her asking me to have sex with her. So we ended up having sex on our third date.

Following on from that I have now happily been with my current wife for almost 21 years, while also having been married to her for almost 18 years, through having two children as well that are 16 (boy) and 13 (girl). Throughout our relationship we have enjoyed a terrific life together, inclusive of a smorgasbord of tremendous and ever frequent sex as well.

Throughout our time together we haven't experienced marital infidelity a sexless marriage or compatibility issues. Plus we've also been raising two academically accomplished, very fit and happy children. All while also contributing positively to society as well.

Yet heaven forbid we had sex early (and still think it's the best way) and don't need to be in love with someone to enjoy sex (that said liking the person does help).

The thing is where I come from, having sex early for many if not most people, has been the norm throughout my life as an adult. Plenty of us are fine with it, while some others aren't. As far as I'm concerned if it's adult and consenting, go for it "but you might smudge your lipstick".

If you want to wait, WAIT! If you don't want to wait, DON'T!


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> My advise, dont have sex with anyone until you know them really well and its about love as well as lust. Sex without love is empty and pointless and will never benefit you in the long term. It will just mess you up more and more the more people you sleep with.


^^This


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

@xMadame

If you really liked this guy, thought he was just absolutely wonderful and were very attracted to him, I'd say give him a 2nd chance. You seem rather meh about him outside of sex, though, so it probably wouldn't be worth the bother.

I do think you were a little harsh on the jealousy issue, though. I prefer to know a potential serious partner's dating, relationship, and sexual history and preferences before getting too involved. To me, this speaks to compatibility and doesn't have anything to do with jealousy.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I don't judge people by how they perform in bed. I am attracted by their integrity, kindness, moral values, self control, how they treat me, whether they respect me etc. If those things are right, then I have no worries about the sex later on.Good loving sex isnt based on how we 'perform,' but how we express love to each other, its something we work on and improve as time goes by.
> If a man wants to have sex after a very short time, then that would put me off completely.
> A young lady I know was dating a guy and after only a few dates was pressuring her into sex. Despite the fact that she told him that she wasn't ready, that she didnt want sex until they were really serious and committed, he still kept on despite saying that he respected her for her stand. Thankfully she got fed up with the pressure and ended it.She is worth more than that.


*As I've intoned on here on many occasions, "A hard 'appendage' hath no conscience!"*


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Personal said:


> Sometimes it's nice just to scratch that itch.


ohhhhkay


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Going forward with the hopes of this happening is the worst advice ever. Like in your case, is she supposed to wait for 25 years and also have to teach him along the way? Why would anyone sign up for that?
> 
> There are so many wonderful men out there who will already be compatible to begin with. That's what she needs and she should not settle for less.


I never said anyone should wait 25 years for anything. 
What I said was if his attitude toward sex is good, he MIGHT have the capacity to be her best ever. Obviously, given her strong desire for sex, she will make that decision way before she ever thinks of getting married. Forget about 25 years, hell, she's only had one or two dates with the guy.

All I am saying is that maybe, just maybe she should give him a couple more chances.

When Steve Largent came to the Seattle Seahawks on his first tryout, the entire team laughed at him. The only reason they did not let him go was because one of the coaches knew him from his college days. They gave him another chance. Now he's in the football hall of fame.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think t here are people who have all those values, but who can be completely incompatible in bed.

By bad at sex, I'm not talking about technique (which can be learned) or physical attributes (which don't matter much), I'm talking about level of desire, inventiveness, kinkiness etc.

There is nothing wrong with wanting sex to always be romantic, candles, kisses, missionary while kissing. 

The is also nothing wrong with wanting whips and chains, sex toys and role-play.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a long passionate lovemaking session once a week,

There is nothing wrong with thinking that every day should end with sex, and that getting quick oral to get off when you are horny is expected. 

There are some of us here who really love our spouses, and have otherwise wonderful marriages, but who have been suffering with badly mismatched sexual interests.







Diana7 said:


> I don't judge people by how they perform in bed. I am attracted by their integrity, kindness, moral values, self control, how they treat me, whether they respect me etc. If those things are right, then I have no worries about the sex later on.Good loving sex isnt based on how we 'perform,' but how we express love to each other, its something we work on and improve as time goes by.
> If a man wants to have sex after a very short time, then that would put me off completely.
> A young lady I know was dating a guy and after only a few dates was pressuring her into sex. Despite the fact that she told him that she wasn't ready, that she didnt want sex until they were really serious and committed, he still kept on despite saying that he respected her for her stand. Thankfully she got fed up with the pressure and ended it.She is worth more than that.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I don't judge people by how they perform in bed. I am attracted by their integrity, kindness, moral values, self control, how they treat me, whether they respect me etc. If those things are right, then I have no worries about the sex later on.Good loving sex isnt based on how we 'perform,' but how we express love to each other, its something we work on and improve as time goes by.


We have lots of examples at TAM and specifically in the SIM section of sexless marriages that started out with this type of thinking thinking. "Love will make everything perfect, I don't need to worry about anything going wrong".

Lo and behold, they get married and no, they don't know how to express love to each other and no, sex is not something they work on and improve as time goes by. They end up sexless, and then ask themselves why they didn't make sure there was sexual compatibility BEFORE they got married.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

UMP said:


> All I am saying is that maybe, just maybe she should give him a couple more chances.


And if she decides to do that, that's her choice and would be fine.

But the more likely scenario is that it will not be any better and that even if he could be "trained", it would be miserable for her to even try.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I don't know why @Diana7 is getting such pushback. Her opinion is valid, and frankly, based on personal experience and what I've read on TAM, it isn't terribly interesting unusual.

Many people have priorities in life WAAAAY more important than sex. I just hear her expressing that.

I'd like to think I would feel the way she does, after decades with a woman I'm crazy about, but the truth is that I'd go into hunter mode if ever I were back in the market. In that mode, love isn't really a driver of initial contact.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I don't know why @Diana7 is getting such pushback. Her opinion is valid, and frankly, based on personal experience and what I've read on TAM, it isn't terribly interesting unusual.
> 
> Many people have priorities in life WAAAAY more important than sex. I just hear her expressing that.
> 
> I'd like to think I would feel the way she does, after decades with a woman I'm crazy about, but the truth is that I'd go into hunter mode if ever I were back in the market. In that mode, love isn't really a driver of initial contact.


I agree that Diana and lots of others don't prioritize sex as high as the OP does, or myself, or a few others on this thread.

But the OP's question was about HER OWN perspective. She was not asking about whether her perspective as a highly sexual person was ok with anyone else.

Diana is saying the OP's perspective is wrong and immoral. She is not just saying this is her own standards, she is saying the OP and others should have her standards, too.

As a highly sexual person, I'm well aware that some people do not prioritize sex as highly as I do and I respect that. That's why I want to weed out anyone like that from my dating life very early on. This in no way implies that I think those people are "wrong".

Yet Diana is straight up telling the OP and others with similar feelings that they are "wrong".

That's why she's getting push back.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Disagreement and push back are somewhat different.

I have no objection to Diana7 prioritizing things for herself any way she wants, but she shouldn't expect others to have the same priorities.



TheTruthHurts said:


> I don't know why @Diana7 is getting such pushback. Her opinion is valid, and frankly, based on personal experience and what I've read on TAM, it isn't terribly interesting unusual.
> 
> Many people have priorities in life WAAAAY more important than sex. I just hear her expressing that.
> 
> ...


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

And I am the type of person that would be COMPLETELY miserable in a sexless marriage.

Some people live by the saying "why buy the cow when the milk is free".

I got by my own saying "why buy the cow when the milk is sour".

Being in a terrible marriage and my one ex being highly physically and emotionally abusive, I want a good man that communicates and that is loyal and trust worthy, however I will not take those things and miserable in the sex department. 

I want a good mixture of all of that and now that I am single, know what I do not want and what I do want and I am going to make sure that he has all of those qualities before I invest my emotions in someone.

It hurts too much to be enthralled in love with someone and have an important basic desire missing.

No more crushed heart here!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I don't know why @Diana7 is getting such pushback. Her opinion is valid, and frankly, based on personal experience and what I've read on TAM, it isn't terribly interesting unusual.
> 
> Many people have priorities in life WAAAAY more important than sex. I just hear her expressing that.
> 
> ...


 Thanks. The thing is that sex is important, for me as well, but to sleep with someone you hardly know and judge them on that alone seems skewed and cold. 
For me what the man is like, his character, his integrity, is vital. What sort of partner he is, how he treats me, and yes, his moral values re sex, are so important to me. A man who has had many partners wouldnt interest me at all, no mater how 'good' he is in bed. 
If you finds a really good guy, then you can work on the sex together.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> If you finds a really good guy, then you can work on the sex together.


Right.

Every guy who is a "good" guy, will be a good lover for you if you love each other.

Works for women too, right? Every woman who is a "good" woman will be a good lover for you if you love each other.

Cue Disney birds and fairies.

- - - - - 

Quite a lot of men and women here in SIM would disagree with you. Being a "good person" and being "in love" in no way guarantee someone will "work on the sex together" with you, whether male or female.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> Right.
> 
> Every guy who is a "good" guy, will be a good lover for you if you love each other.
> 
> ...


Then you have to be very careful who you marry, and you must communicate well before marriage. Its worked for many couples I know, and for us. We have talked about sex and we think of what the other person wants.Its about expressing the love and commitment we have together. Its not about what WE want all the time.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Then you have to be very careful who you marry, and you must communicate well before marriage. Its worked for many couples I know, and for us. We have talked about sex and we think of what the other person wants.Its about expressing the love and commitment we have together. Its not about what WE want all the time.


I am very glad that this is the experience that you had. You should also know that you are very lucky that this is the experience you had. Many of us here were hoodwinked by (some now ex-)spouses regarding sex drive and (for lack of a better word) skill. Just because it worked out well for you doesn't mean your way works out well for everyone.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Someone who hasn't been in a badly mismatched marriage may not realize how difficult it is to fix.

I was IN one for a long time before I realized how hopeless it was. 



Faithful Wife said:


> Right.
> 
> Every guy who is a "good" guy, will be a good lover for you if you love each other.
> 
> ...


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Then you have to be very careful who you marry, and you must communicate well before marriage. Its worked for many couples I know, and for us. We have talked about sex and we think of what the other person wants.Its about expressing the love and commitment we have together. Its not about what WE want all the time.


I am also happy for you. I do not know your story. Are you married? For how long? I'm nothing but happy for someone who is in love and having great sex with a committed partner, if that describes you, that's awesome.

From the experience of literally millions of other people, it doesn't usually go the way you described.

But when it does...that's wonderful.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What you want is completely reasonable, I hope you find it and I think you will.

Having mediocre sex with a few guys is NOT too high a price to pay to find someone who will rock your world for the rest of your life. 





xMadame said:


> And I am the type of person that would be COMPLETELY miserable in a sexless marriage.
> 
> Some people live by the saying "why buy the cow when the milk is free".
> 
> ...


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

uhtred said:


> What you want is completely reasonable, I hope you find it and I think you will.
> 
> Having mediocre sex with a few guys is NOT too high a price to pay to find someone who will rock your world for the rest of your life.


I disagree, I think it IS too high a price to pay...but sometimes it simply ends up being that way.

I've got my system down pretty good to where I don't have mediocre sex with anyone anymore, ever. I did develop my system BECAUSE mediocre sex SUCKS SO MUCH, that I wanted to avoid it altogether. I'm pretty successful now. :laugh:


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> I disagree, I think it IS too high a price to pay...but sometimes it simply ends up being that way.
> 
> I've got my system down pretty good to where I don't have mediocre sex with anyone anymore, ever. *I did develop my system* BECAUSE mediocre sex SUCKS SO MUCH, that I wanted to avoid it altogether. I'm pretty successful now. :laugh:


Speaking of systems... 

I remember when I was in college and dating that I would masturbate excessively PRIOR to going out on a date. The side effect was that it made virtually all women appear rather unappealing and annoying to be around. When I tried this upon dating the girl that would eventually become my wife, she was still a blast to be around and I really enjoyed our friendship. Prior to her, ALL women failed this test.

...now while my system was probably not perfect by any means, it helped place an emphasis on the nonsexual aspects of the relationship to make sure it would hold up for the long haul. The impact this has in the bedroom is that after I get what I want sexually, there is still so much more there afterwards to keep enjoying the experience. 

Badsanta


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Speaking of systems...
> 
> I remember when I was in college and dating that I would masturbate excessively PRIOR to going out on a date. The side effect was that it made virtually all women appear rather unappealing and annoying to be around. When I tried this upon dating the girl that would eventually become my wife, she was still a blast to be around and I really enjoyed our friendship. Prior to her, ALL women failed this test.
> 
> ...


My guy told me that he has a rule to only date smart women, because you can only have so much sex and he wants someone he can actually TALK to the rest of the time :grin2:


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> My guy told me that he has a rule to only date smart women, because you can only have so much sex and he wants someone he can actually TALK to the rest of the time :grin2:


Exactly. I looked for someone highly compatible, intelligent, a keen conversationalist with many shared interests, and kind. The rest of the time we have _so much sex_!


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Doesn't work for some of us. A smart woman would know better than to have sex with me. :surprise: :wink2: >


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Smart and interesting is more important than sex. That's why I'm still married.





FeministInPink said:


> My guy told me that he has a rule to only date smart women, because you can only have so much sex and he wants someone he can actually TALK to the rest of the time :grin2:


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> My guy told me that he has a rule to only date smart women, because you can only have so much sex and he wants someone he can actually TALK to the rest of the time :grin2:


*You are certainly most capable of screwing just about anybody ~ but let's just say that the same simply cannot be said for being able to carry on a meaningful, intelligent conversation with!

Unless, of course, that your preference is for fornicating with complete silence afterwards!*


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> I think t here are people who have all those values, but who can be completely incompatible in bed.
> 
> By bad at sex, I'm not talking about technique (which can be learned) or physical attributes (which don't matter much), I'm talking about level of desire, inventiveness, kinkiness etc.
> 
> ...


That's why you talk about it before you committ. That's why you spend lots of time communicating and getting to know each other. We both knew a lot about each others views and ideas on sex before we married, despite not having sex togather. We are not the 'missionary only' type people at all, we have a very varied sex life, neither are we the 'whips and chains' type people, we fall some where in the middle I guess, but you don't need to actually have sex to find out about it. 

What everyone seems to also forget is that differing sex drives or desires don't ever have to be a problem, you don't have to 'feel' like having sex to have sex. If my husband wants sex and I don't, I will do it for him, and the same the other way round. Its about compromise and unselfishness. I made a promise to myself when we married 11 years ago that I would never reject him sexually, and I haven't. No two people will always be exactly the same about everything, we are all different. 

What happens if you marry a man or woman who seems to have the same sort of sexual needs and desires as you, but later on has an accident or gets ill and cant have sex? What if you do? if that is all your relationship is based on then that marriage/relationship will fall apart. People also change. Some want more sex as they age and some less. You have to adapt and work together on these things and be flexible. 

There are a few things that are a no no for me sexually, such as porn use, but that's why you spend lots of time discussing such things. If a man was a porn user and wasn't prepared to stop, then I would end that relationship and move on.I wouldn't need to have sex with him to know that, in fact you have more time to talk and get to know each other if you DONT have sex at the beginning. .


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> We have lots of examples at TAM and specifically in the SIM section of sexless marriages that started out with this type of thinking thinking. "Love will make everything perfect, I don't need to worry about anything going wrong".
> 
> Lo and behold, they get married and no, they don't know how to express love to each other and no, sex is not something they work on and improve as time goes by. They end up sexless, and then ask themselves why they didn't make sure there was sexual compatibility BEFORE they got married.


That happens in many marriages where the people had sex early on as well. I read the other day that marriages where the people lived together/had sex before marriage, are more likely to end in divorce than those where they didn't do those things, so it clearly doesn't follow that having sex early will leads to a better marriage.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I disagree, I think it IS too high a price to pay...


Damn! I don't know if the stars have aligned just right but lately, I absolutely love your posts!


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> That happens in many marriages where the people had sex early on as well. I read the other day that marriages where the people lived together/had sex before marriage, are more likely to end in divorce than those where they didn't do those things, so it clearly doesn't follow that having sex early will leads to a better marriage.


This is my view. Education and communication are paramount.

Nothing should be off the table to discuss openly.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Smart and interesting is more important than sex. That's why I'm still married.


 As is funny, kind, honest, caring, fair and respectful.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Smart and interesting is more important than sex. That's why I'm still married.


Smart and interesting but NO SEX or only crappy sex are NOT better than no marriage. Sorry.

The marriage you describe would be complete misery to me. I could not sit across from someone I love and who supposedly loves me, and engage in interesting, smart discussion, all the while knowing they will never, ever EVER communicate with me about sex nor engage in sex with me (as you have said your wife no longer does anything but give you a HJ once a month).

I appreciate that you love her....but it really isn't supposed to be that way. The fact that you are kind of a martyr to your own marriage just makes the whole thing sad and wrong.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> As is funny, kind, honest, caring, fair and respectful.


Please keep in mind that uhtred has a sexless marriage.


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Someone completely misrepresents themselves and you sleep with them anyway?
> 
> 
> 
> Yes, work on your own issues before you critique others. You're obviously not ready to date based on your poor decision making.


This covers it.

To reiterate:

The guy was dishonest in his profile and how he described himself. He shows signs of possessiveness, jealousy and if I understand the post correctly, he isn't upfront and honest in person. The sex is terrible.

And yet the Op is here asking if she should give him another chance. Even more surprisingly at least one poster defies logic and common sense and says "yes" as if the guy will suddenly morph into a totally different person. 

Might as well bang some homeless guy in a back alley odds are he'd be a better choice.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its quite a situation. I've stayed with smart and interesting...and someone I love but almost no sex rather that leave. Is it the right choice for me or for anyone else - I can't say.

Interestingly my wife by herself last week decided that we needed to improve our sex life. There has been an uptick - but I won't believe anything until it lasts a while (this has happened before).

If I were in a position to be dating again, good sex would be one of the requirements). 





Faithful Wife said:


> Smart and interesting but NO SEX or only crappy sex are NOT better than no marriage. Sorry.
> 
> The marriage you describe would be complete misery to me. I could not sit across from someone I love and who supposedly loves me, and engage in interesting, smart discussion, all the while knowing they will never, ever EVER communicate with me about sex nor engage in sex with me (as you have said your wife no longer does anything but give you a HJ once a month).
> 
> I appreciate that you love her....but it really isn't supposed to be that way. The fact that you are kind of a martyr to your own marriage just makes the whole thing sad and wrong.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

In hindsight there were plenty of signs that my wife was LD, but I didn't recognize them. I don't know if talking is enough - it would certainly be a big help.

You are generous enough, and "wired" in the right way so that if you husband wants sex and you aren't in the mood, you will do it anyway. For some people it seems that sex that they don't want is an awful experience, and something they are not willing to do. Having never been in the position of actively not wanting sex, I can't really understand it, but I believe it exists.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that a relationship be based only on sex, just that it is a critical piece.

For me, the question of injury / illness is different. The active rejection is much more of a problem than the lack of sex itself. But that is just me.




Diana7 said:


> That's why you talk about it before you committ. That's why you spend lots of time communicating and getting to know each other. We both knew a lot about each others views and ideas on sex before we married, despite not having sex togather. We are not the 'missionary only' type people at all, we have a very varied sex life, neither are we the 'whips and chains' type people, we fall some where in the middle I guess, but you don't need to actually have sex to find out about it.
> 
> What everyone seems to also forget is that differing sex drives or desires don't ever have to be a problem, you don't have to 'feel' like having sex to have sex. If my husband wants sex and I don't, I will do it for him, and the same the other way round. Its about compromise and unselfishness. I made a promise to myself when we married 11 years ago that I would never reject him sexually, and I haven't. No two people will always be exactly the same about everything, we are all different.
> 
> ...


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> That's why you talk about it before you committ. That's why you spend lots of time communicating and getting to know each other. We both knew a lot about each others views and ideas on sex before we married, despite not having sex togather. We are not the 'missionary only' type people at all, we have a very varied sex life, neither are we the 'whips and chains' type people, we fall some where in the middle I guess, but you don't need to actually have sex to find out about it.


At the end of the day people sometimes lie out of fear, nefarious intent, or simply change their mind for a myriad of other reasons. This forum over the years has seen an enormous amount of people both men and women, who did all the due diligence only to find that their great communicating partners, were awful sexual mates. Or unilaterally withdrew sex, or sometimes chose not to offer it in any instance at all, following exchanging marital vows. Talk is only as valuable as it is coincident with actual behaviour and actions. Where that talk is not coincident with what actually happens that talk is worthless.

One can have a terrific relationship with a person they have sex with very early, just as much as someone who waits a long time for it.

Who goes into a relationship and how they work together has more to do with success or failure, versus when someone has sex before marriage or whether they live together before hand or not.

Regardless of your hopes, and absent the ability to actually read peoples minds, your husband may have been a liar or not known any better. So there was no guarantee you would have good sex with him, just because you talked about it before hand.

What would you have done if your husband despite his talk, proved to have absolutely no desire to have sex with you. Or was an awful sex-mate who say suffered from erectile dysfunction and or premature ejaculation and was not inclined to do anything about it or to bother offering you some sexual satisfaction?

Trying before you buy is also no guarantee of long term success. That said at the very least it can tell you if your potential long term or even short term sex-mate, works well sexually with you.

Some people prefer to test drive cars before they buy them just in-case the brochure isn't the whole story. While others prefer to leave that out and trust the brochure before they buy. Neither is right or wrong, they're simply different approaches to the same end.

As to whips and chains... Ouch.



Diana7 said:


> What everyone seems to also forget is that differing sex drives or desires don't ever have to be a problem, you don't have to 'feel' like having sex to have sex. If my husband wants sex and I don't, I will do it for him, and the same the other way round. Its about compromise and unselfishness. I made a promise to myself when we married 11 years ago that I would never reject him sexually, and I haven't. No two people will always be exactly the same about everything, we are all different.


I don't think anyone is forgetting anything, most of us here are far from young and are quite experienced, having been around many blocks.

If sex with your partner turned out to be a truly awful experience, that caused you pain and or made your skin crawl, while never getting better. Would you be so enamoured with living up to that 11 year promise of yours?



Diana7 said:


> What happens if you marry a man or woman who seems to have the same sort of sexual needs and desires as you, but later on has an accident or gets ill and cant have sex? What if you do? if that is all your relationship is based on then that marriage/relationship will fall apart. People also change. Some want more sex as they age and some less. You have to adapt and work together on these things and be flexible.


So what happens if life happens?

Most people simply get on with life and keep going when they can.

What you are describing is all perfectly normal. Are you presuming that people who choose to have sex at the beginning of their sexual relationship, think sex is the only important part of an ongoing romantic relationship?

Although my wife and I didn't have casual sex as such when we started, we didn't wait very long and weren't looking for a long term relationship. All we both wanted was some fun and to have sex with each other.

Going back to what happens when someone is ill or injured I'm happy to relate to you some of my experiences with my wife.

Not long after my wife and I had started dating each other and we were having lots of sex, my wife and I were crossing a road after going out on a date where we watched a movie and had some dinner. We were young, both worked in national circulation news media and I was also an Army Reserve infantry NCO who used to be a Regular (full-time professional) soldier.

Anyway back to crossing that road, to cut a long, bloody and broken story short, my now wife got hit by a speeding car. That also severely smashed up two other people at the same time, as it missed hitting me by less than an inch. Anyway after the deathly silence the broken bones, blood glass and all the rest. My wife survived, but you already got that.

As a consequence my wife who had smashed knees because of it, also had a broken face that required cosmetic surgery to repair some of the damage. To this day she still sometimes gets pain in her face because of it and also has a scar on her face from where they put her back together. The thing is at the time we were both enjoying each others company and liking the sex we shared, yet neither of us were considering staying together long term.

Fortunately I was granted family carers leave for which my boss knew I wasn't entitled, in order for me to in the first two weeks to help her go to the toilet, shower, feed her and get her to medical appointments. We weren't having sex then because of what happened to her and neither of us had an issue because of it

So there I was the new boyfriend doing everything I could for her because her very church active, very practicing Catholic (Christian) close family, who lived in the same larger city as her. Would not call her, visit her in hospital or at her home despite being told what happened to her immediately. In fact up until she got hit by that car, my now wife dutifully went down to her mothers place to offer her mother solace and company every weekend I had known her, because her father had died just after I met her.

Outside of being hit by a car I would also often go away for weeks at a time and on some weekends throughout the year while I was still in infantry in the Reserves. So we weren't having sex then and it was fine.

Likewise later when I transferred to Intelligence Corps and started doing full time duties when I was involved with more training, anti terrorism, peace keeping and a middle eastern conflict amongst other things. I would often have to go away for many weeks at a time through many months at a time as well, So again we didn't have sex then and as required we adjusted to it.

Then there was the time when I nearly died (the surgeons thought I was a great teaching tool since as far as they were concerned I should not have survived), because I wasn't treated in a timely manner when I had a burst appendix. While doing an Individual Close Quarter Battle Pistol Course, nice thing about that course was I came home every night. Which saw me end up having to spend around six months in and out of hospital, all while our son was also often in hospital as well because of asthma problems. Again not much sex then either.

Plus there was that time my wife fell down a stairwell at work, because the stairs turned out to be hazardous, so after getting quite a few bits of metal put into one of her legs it took months of physio to get her walking properly again. Likewise for a short time time sex was not on the cards and for a longer time it required some considerable care when it was.

Just because my wife and I feel sex is very important and won't buy without trying. As related above it's pretty clear we (like many other highly sexual people), have no problem adjusting our sex life as required when other things gets in the way.



Diana7 said:


> There are a few things that are a no no for me sexually, such as porn use, but that's why you spend lots of time discussing such things. If a man was a porn user and wasn't prepared to stop, then I would end that relationship and move on.I wouldn't need to have sex with him to know that, in fact you have more time to talk and get to know each other if you DONT have sex at the beginning.


I don't know about you, but I find it's perfectly dandy to sometimes talk while having sex. That said even if you have sex a lot, it's not like you can't fit other things in like the rest of your life and some other talking in-between along the way as well.

Personally I've never lacked for time getting to know someone holistically, while also sharing sex with them.

P.S. All of that said, I think there's nothing wrong with waiting for sex until marriage, because whatever works for you is what you should choose. At the same time though I also feel the same way about not waiting for it.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

uhtred said:


> Smart and interesting is more important than sex. That's why I'm still married.


You really don't have to accept those things to the exclusion of the other.

My wife and I share smart and interesting with lots of sex as well.

That's one of the reasons why we're still married.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

OP,

You either have some positive regard for him or you do not.

If it is sufficient to invest a bit more time with him, then why not be direct? As in:

"I was thinking, when we were chatting before we met in person, it seems like words flowed more easily from you. Then in person, I sense some hesitation, uncomfortableness. Why do you suppose that is?"

"I was a bit surprised by all those questions about my past relationships. What motivates you to ask those questions, are you looking to avoid certain kinds of situations? What are they, and maybe I can tell you upfront here what the risks of them developing would be."


I have dated very little, and that was 25 years ago. So, take this with a grain of salt. I'd agree dating is the ideal time and place to get to learn about someone. I think if is a big mistake to ignore your spidy sense and hang on for us awhile longer if you are not the sort of person who can easily make a clean break once decided.

Just as important, dating is an opportunity to ask questions about your own motivations, feelings, and behavior. You say sex doesn't cause bonding in you. OK. But, what about spending time with someone that is "not that bad" or "sort of interesting"? What I get at is if I take your posts here at face value, dumping him seems like a no brainer, yet you are here seeming to me to be a bit indecisive? Why is that? (Questions are for you to ask yourself. Not trying to be accusatory or nosy.)

IME, when an experience is just blah, it could be because of the "other", something else, or something inside of me. Or some combination. You seem certain it was all him -- his deficiencies as a lover or incompatibilities. Yet, maybe there is a bit of fear (justified or misleading) causing you to hold yourself back from the experience, and rather just be all your wildest and freeest in-the-moment sexual self, you were too outside yourself or too inside your head and he couldn't ignore it at some level and affected him and his "performance".

I'm not at all saying that is what happened. I'm just saying whatever your decisions about the other would be don't forget to introspect and look for ways you might be distracting yourself (and, yes, be thoughtful but be guiltless and critical of potential mates when it comes to compatability and what you want and need).

Just a thought or two.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> That happens in many marriages where the people had sex early on as well. I read the other day that marriages where the people lived together/had sex before marriage, are more likely to end in divorce than those where they didn't do those things, so it clearly doesn't follow that having sex early will leads to a better marriage.


Correct.

So I don't understand why you think your prescription is going to work any better. The data you have suggesting it always/often(?) succeeds is really limited, isn't it? If it fails ever, that's important to be conscious of.

The problem is that marital bliss is complicated. "Good men" and "good women" are not sufficient to create a happy relationship. A good start to a marriage is no guarantee either -- things change, over years, sometimes cruely so it would almost seem.

The only prescription I'd feel comfortable pushing on someone is: whatever you and your partner are doing as you approach longer commitments pay attention, be ruthlessly honest about and with both your partner and yourself. And, if anyone claims they've got it all figured out and suggests their way is the only way, ask yourself how broad their life experiences have been and why it might be they hold their position so strongly and without much room for doubt. That might help answer the question of how useful their ideas are going to be for you. They might be, they might not.

IME, btw, TAM is full of the might nots.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Well one more data point about my good relationship -we were / are total opposites in many ways, but dated 6 years and didn't live together until we were married. We are not nearly the same sexually - I am HD and very free and she's a nice Catholic girl. So we have differences but we took the time to understand them and see what worked and what didn't as well as understanding what we could live with.

I think as a result, we went in with eyes wide open and we both knew we'd have to - and wanted to - accommodate each other where we differed.

So to me - even sexual incompatibility - as long as there is attraction and sexual enjoyment - can be worked through on an ongoing basis through a partnership. After all, my needs change over time as do hers, so locking in ones needs at the start in no way guarantees long term success.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Personal said:


> At the end of the day people sometimes lie out of fear, nefarious intent, or simply change their mind for a myriad of other reasons. This forum over the years has seen an enormous amount of people both men and women, who did all the due diligence only to find that their great communicating partners, were awful sexual mates. Or unilaterally withdrew sex, or sometimes chose not to offer it in any instance at all, following exchanging marital vows. Talk is only as valuable as it is coincident with actual behaviour and actions. Where that talk is not coincident with what actually happens that talk is worthless.
> 
> One can have a terrific relationship with a person they have sex with very early, just as much as someone who waits a long time for it.
> 
> ...


Wow, brother.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Personal said:


> At the end of the day people sometimes lie out of fear, nefarious intent, or simply change their mind for a myriad of other reasons. This forum over the years has seen an enormous amount of people both men and women, who did all the due diligence only to find that their great communicating partners, were awful sexual mates. Or unilaterally withdrew sex, or sometimes chose not to offer it in any instance at all, following exchanging marital vows. Talk is only as valuable as it is coincident with actual behaviour and actions. Where that talk is not coincident with what actually happens that talk is worthless.
> 
> One can have a terrific relationship with a person they have sex with very early, just as much as someone who waits a long time for it.
> 
> ...


With my husband I just knew he was right for me. We had both been married before, and the sex with his ex was a big disappointment to him so I know that he was interested. To me my faith comes first, God says not have sex outside marriage, so I wouldn't be interested in a guy who wanted that anyway. I was also very sure he was Gods choice for me, so I trusted Him that things would work out. 
He had never had sex outside marriage, I loved him for that and find a moral guy very attractive and appealing. He is a rare man. We really enjoy sex together, its something you learn together and work at together, but even if it stopped for whatever reason, I would never end the marriage, he and my marriage are far too important to me, and marriage is so much more than sex no matter how good.


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Don't settle! Why deal with the same issues over again. It's not worth it. That's why ex's are ex's 

Sent from my E2306 using Tapatalk


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> With my husband I just knew he was right for me. We had both been married before, and the sex with his ex was a big disappointment to him so I know that he was interested. To me my faith comes first, God says not have sex outside marriage, so I wouldn't be interested in a guy who wanted that anyway. I was also very sure he was Gods choice for me, so I trusted Him that things would work out.
> He had never had sex outside marriage, I loved him for that and find a moral guy very attractive and appealing. He is a rare man. We really enjoy sex together, its something you learn together and work at together, but even if it stopped for whatever reason, I would never end the marriage, he and my marriage are far too important to me, and marriage is so much more than sex no matter how good.


I think your story is a testament to how we really can attract what we expect and believe. 

Your beliefs are strong convictions and you have attracted exactly what you believed and wanted. I love your story.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Faithful Wife said:


> I think your story is a testament to how we really can attract what we expect and believe.
> 
> Your beliefs are strong convictions and you have attracted exactly what you believed and wanted. I love your story.


Thank you. :smile2:

Our lives also show that God gives us fresh starts and new beginnings, and that He restores what we have lost.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

badsanta;17249449
[LIST said:


> [*]*Some very intelligent men (perhaps high functioning autism such as engineers) can communicate very well online, but very poorly in person.
> *
> Badsanta


Yesterday, I was flying down a busy highway om my antique skinny-tired road bike. I never wear a helmet....I hate them. They block out to many replenishing Cosmic Rays.

Anyhoo.....

Something in my head was itching. It was my Parietal Lobe acting up again.

I sensed a slight....you know a slight, a dig, an unwarranted critism, mind you!

Today, I did the mind meld thing with my CPU chipper buddies.

They led me to this post........

I am now old...I still communicate well in person....... My chronological clock is set to the NeverNever Land time zone.

Forever youthful.....uh, what was the question?


----------

