# Husband just left for business trip..



## j1013 (Dec 10, 2012)

Need some advice. My husband just left for a week long business trip. I haven't completely trusted him for a while due to many things. After he left I was on the computer and checked the browsing history- he always always clears it, but was in a rush and did not today. I found history of searching for escorts in the town he is going to be in on his trip all week- clicked on many 'ads'. He typed in the name of the webpage, did not google- backpage.com- which makes me think he has checked it out before. I don't know what to do- confront him? If he wants to he will and I will never know the difference, except now I can think of nothing else. 

We have been married 5 years, 2 kids..having a problems lately but thought things were improving. I seem to want to work it out more than he does. I have found lots of charges on the credit card before from strip clubs, he denies and denies. I have no idea or proof if he has ever physically cheated.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

j1013 said:


> Need some advice. My husband just left for a week long business trip. I haven't completely trusted him for a while due to many things. After he left I was on the computer and checked the browsing history- he always always clears it, but was in a rush and did not today. I found history of searching for escorts in the town he is going to be in on his trip all week- clicked on many 'ads'. He typed in the name of the webpage, did not google- backpage.com- which makes me think he has checked it out before. I don't know what to do- confront him? If he wants to he will and I will never know the difference, except now I can think of nothing else.
> 
> We have been married 5 years, 2 kids..having a problems lately but thought things were improving. I seem to want to work it out more than he does. I have found lots of charges on the credit card before from strip clubs, he denies and denies. I have no idea or proof if he has ever physically cheated.


What kind of proof do you need? In general, all the "proof" that is required is "inclination" and "opportunity". In other words, you don't have to catch him in the act. Your "gut" is telling you that he intends to cheat on you. You have also found "proof" in the credit card purchases, which he denies.

So my question to you is this. What is your "deal breaker"? Is it not enough that he charges strip clubs on his credit card and denies this? Is it not enough that he is looking for escorts in the cities where he has business to take care of? What then is enough?

What you could do is to get copies of all that information you have and consult with a lawyer as to your options. You see, if your worst fears are met, and he still denies, then you can't possibly reconcile as he will not have acknowledged any fault in order to "fix" the marriage.

I am so sorry that you are being hurt by his actions. There is a reason your "gut" is sending you warnings. Heed the warnings and start to consider your "worst case scenario".


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Im so sorry that you are dealing with this, it is in man ways one of the most painful things a person can go through. You are being betrayed by the person you love, the person that is supposed to love and cherish you through thick and through thin. You will find lots of support here on this forum, as well as lots of advice. Some of it will be blunt and painful, some of it may be of little value to you, but if you really take the time to listen, you may just find the support you need to get your relationship to a healthy place once again.

Just so you are 100% clear, backpages is a web site where people sell sex. Your husband is going to have sex with a prostitute while he travels for his business trip. There are several things you need to do in order to know how to proceed. First and foremost, you must ask yourself if you still love this man, and if he is worthy of the effort it is going to take to fix things. If the answer is no, please go consult with a divorce attorney while your disloyal husband is on his business trip. Find out what your rights and responsibilities are when it comes to divorce. If the answer is yes, then read on.

Since he has already demonstrated that he will deny the truth when confronted, you will need rock solid evidence that he can't deny. While he is gone, you will need to install a good monitoring/keylogger program on all of the computers in the house. You should also install mobile spy (www.mobile-spy.com) on his cell. Gather your proof, save copies and store them in a safe location, then confront him.

Tell him you expect him to be 100% honest and transparent with you if he wants to stay married. That means you get total access to everything, all his passwords and accounts. Cell, bank, facebook, whatever else. He can no longer delete anything without you reviewing it. He must also start attending individual counseling to figure out why he has so little respect for you and the marriage, and once he has a few sessions under his belt, he mus attend couples counseling with you to learn how to have healthy boundaries and how to hep you heal.

Read through a few threads in this section for some other ideas of how to proceed. Look for one called "cwi noobies start here" I think that's what its called, im sure someone will post the link soon.

Good luck, keep us posted.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I agree with SurvivorWife, you have to figure out if this is enough for you or not. The thought that he is gone for a week and you know that stuff would make me sick all week long. If you ask him he will deny it, as most cheaters do.

If you say something what do you think the outcome will be? He will deny it, you wont believe him, he either will or wont do what he was planning to do and then he comes home, and then what?

If you dont say anything its going to eat you up all week.

My best suggestion to you is to tell him that you saw what he was looking up, you have printed it up along with made copies of the cc bills and if he cares at all he is going to stop what he is doing, otherwise you will be seeing a laywer.


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## j1013 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thank you for the advice, I feel sick about it. I think if I do call and confront him now, he will be very angry and deny, and I can't say if it would stop him. This isn't the first time I've found something bad, I need to stop denying to myself and buying his excuses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Here's what I suggest. Call him. You need to stop this from happening. Maybe he has done it before (most likely), but maybe not. You should presume it has though he will tell you no.

Tell him what you found. Normally, I would advise not to confront without better evidence, but when you can stop things before they happen I feel you should. You sleep better knowing you didn't just let it happen. Tell him what you found and you know what it is. Tell him you are going to file for divorce. Go see an attorney while he is gone.

Tell him unless he gets his a$$ home now and deals with htis, when he comes home, it will not be to his home. Make him agree to MC imediately. Search iheartlife on here and look at how she found a MC- you need one that underdtands sex addiction. Tell him he goes with you to MC or you go through with D- plain and simple.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I agree with Slater. I think you need to atleast try to stop it from happening! You wont ever know if you did or not but if he is worried about losing his family then he might think long and hard about what you are saying!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Agree with the above.
Tell him he has 12 hrs to get home before the locks are changed and a lawyer is consulted. Don't discuss things other than stating you have proof he's planning on being unfaithful. "Come home and discuss this with me calmly or talk to my lawyer."


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

j1013 said:


> Thank you for the advice, I feel sick about it. I think if I do call and confront him now, he will be very angry and deny, and I can't say if it would stop him. This isn't the first time I've found something bad, I need to stop denying to myself and buying his excuses.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you hire a detective in the town he is visiting. You can likely find one on the internet and finding someone in the town where he is cheating will save you the travel expenses of the Private eye. 

You need to get photographs to catch him in the act. 

Most cheater will deny deny deny without proof. Been there, done that. 

Also once you confront, he may go underground making it more expensive to catch him.

Edited to add:

Also, the courts don't consider going to a strip club to be cheating. 

You will get a far better divorce settlement if you can prove he was having an affair not just visiting strip clubs or looking for excorts. Searches do not prove an affair.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You have enough proof. I would change the locks and greet him with his stuff in garbage bags on the front lawn when he gets back. Don't bother with MC - you need two people willing to work on things for MC to help. Tell him he either gets IC for his problem and starts behaving like a moral person and proving it, or you're done.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

j1013 said:


> I seem to want to work it out more than he does..


Even though this statement might be true, never ever let him know this. The *perception* you must have is the oppisit. You must beable to smile and wish him the best, and inform him that you want more out of a man then he can offer and ask him to leave.

This tactic will show him how confident you are in letting him go. Never beg or cry for your marriage in front of him, again your man has to see that you do not want this kind of marriage and you have no problem with finding another man.

I know you are scared to let him go and lose this marriage, but until you get him to start to second guess his choices and and think twice in what he is about to lose he will continue ...thinking you aren't going any were.

Get it? 

Showing him weakness won't make him think of changing or what he is about to lose.

Showing him confidence that you can let him go will shift the power from him wanting this to work more then you do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

j1013 said:


> Thank you for the advice, I feel sick about it. I think if I do call and confront him now, he will be very angry and deny, and I can't say if it would stop him. This isn't the first time I've found something bad, I need to stop denying to myself and buying his excuses.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He will deny. So there is no reason to confront him just yet.

You need to go into data collection mode. Put a key logger on the computer he uses. If you don't confront him he will think he got away with it and continue whatever activity he is doing. Hopefully he's not doing this same thing while in town. But with a keylogger you wil find out.

Put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car, velcro'd to a hidden surface. A lot of cheaters talk to their affair partners in the car while driving.

See an attorney and find out your rights.

Get tested for STD's. he's putting your life at risk.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

j1013 said:


> Thank you for the advice, I feel sick about it. I think if I do call and confront him now, he will be very angry and deny, and *I can't say if it would stop him. *This isn't the first time I've found something bad, I need to stop denying to myself and buying his excuses.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You should call him. It will taint any pleasure he'll get from having sex with hookers. If he knows you know and that his marriage is on the line because he cant control his desire for strange women, he may reconsider this time on this trip.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

The good thing is that he can afford to pay for sex. He can use the money instead to pay child and spousal support.


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## j1013 (Dec 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> He will deny. So there is no reason to confront him just yet.
> 
> You need to go into data collection mode. Put a key logger on the computer he uses. If you don't confront him he will think he got away with it and continue whatever activity he is doing. Hopefully he's not doing this same thing while in town. But with a keylogger you wil find out.
> 
> ...


Thank you, can I ask does having more data help in a divorce? Which keylogger do you recommend?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The data collection is for you, if you really feel you need it, and so that he cannot deny anything.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

j1013 said:


> Thank you, can I ask does having more data help in a divorce? Which keylogger do you recommend?



for the divorce itself, it depends on where you live, most states don't consider the whys in divorce (ie. no fault only). But if you're in Canada it could help hasten the process.


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## j1013 (Dec 10, 2012)

the guy said:


> Even though this statement might be true, never ever let him know this. The *perception* you must have is the oppisit. You must beable to smile and wish him the best, and inform him that you want more out of a man then he can offer and ask him to leave.
> 
> This tactic will show him how confident you are in letting him go. Never beg or cry for your marriage in front of him, again your man has to see that you do not want this kind of marriage and you have no problem with finding another man.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the advice. I am scared to let him and the marriage go. He is a controlling manipulative person, it is impossible to 'win' in an argument with him, he turns it all back on me. With our recent trouble he refused to go to counseling, says he knows he is wrong and doesn't want to listen to someone tell him that, that he won't change. His best friend is going through a divorce and encouraged my husband to see his lawyer. Same friend that is his 'excuse' for going to the strip clubs- he claimed this friend always wants to go, hes 'supporting' his friend through friend's divorce. So I am not sure when I will confront him on this- I kind of don't want to give him more time to plot before he gets home, but also don't want him to go through with the hookers.

And I just looked at our bank statement- on Friday he took out $200 from an ATM in another town we never go to- I googled the ATM address and it is conveniently located inside a strip club. He took out $80 right before that too down the street from the strip club. I guess he learned his lesson about putting it on the credit card. I just can't trust him at all. I'm wondering now too if he does more than just watch the strippers, $280 seems alot to spend?? 

I think I will see a lawyer this week. I'm going to do my best to act like I'm moving on.


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## j1013 (Dec 10, 2012)

And now I am going through more of the bank statement- $100 on Tuesday at another strip club in another town. I am sick- why does he go so much?


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Be calm, be firm as he will probably find a way to make it all your fault. You know this isn't what a marriage is about and he does too. Be strong. Its time for him to grow up.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

How long are you going to let him spend your and your children's money on strippers. I know you feel helpless and scared, but if you don't stand up for yourself no one will. I think you support the tactic of "gathering more evidence" solely out of fear of confrontation / divorce. Your children need you to be strong for them, and you for yourself.

If you do not take a stand now, where will this end? bankruptcy, with having blown all your $$ on sex and strippers? Divorce anyway when HE LEAVES YOU? You have to get out in front of this.

You need to see a lawyer NOW! Believe it or not it is in your best interest whether you want to stay together or leave. Either way, it is your only move.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

j1013 said:


> Thank you, can I ask does having more data help in a divorce? Which keylogger do you recommend?


The data can help in a divorce if you live in a fault state. Do you?

It can help in a no-fault state if you can prove that he has spent a lot of marital assets on this nonsense. You can ask for your half of that money as part of your settlement. For example New Mexico is a no fault state. Yet one of my sisters was able to show that her husband spend thousands in gifts, trips etc for his mistress. She not only got half of that in a settlement but the judge awarded her more for his misuse of martial funds as punishment. It does not always work out that way but a good attorney would know how to work it.

And most of all.. the data is for you. THis is so that you have as strong a case as possible so that you do not buy his lying. For example he could just say that yes he looked up escorts because he's frustrated with .....(fillin the blank)..... in your marriage. If you would only give him wild monkey sex 10 times a day he would not feel this way. But he did not act on it. blah blah blah

If you get the data you might ve able to find out what really did happen, if he's doing it in your own town, etc. Knowing the extent of the infidelity can really help the betrayed spouse (BS) know that they are not over reacting.


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## j1013 (Dec 10, 2012)

Googled and yes, looks like my state is fault


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## j1013 (Dec 10, 2012)

slater said:


> How long are you going to let him spend your and your children's money on strippers. I know you feel helpless and scared, but if you don't stand up for yourself no one will. I think you support the tactic of "gathering more evidence" solely out of fear of confrontation / divorce. Your children need you to be strong for them, and you for yourself.
> 
> If you do not take a stand now, where will this end? bankruptcy, with having blown all your $$ on sex and strippers? Divorce anyway when HE LEAVES YOU? You have to get out in front of this.
> 
> You need to see a lawyer NOW! Believe it or not it is in your best interest whether you want to stay together or leave. Either way, it is your only move.


Yes you are probably right, I am afraid. I'm going to get a sitter for tomorrow so I can see a lawyer.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

j1013 said:


> Yes you are probably right, I am afraid. I'm going to get a sitter for tomorrow so I can see a lawyer.


Good for you!!

And just so you know- I have been there! Caught my wife in a 3 year affair. Part of the reason it went on so long was b/c I was in self inflicted delusion. I didn't want it to be true. Now I realy regret not working harder to stop it sooner. 

Good luck!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

j1013, 

Check your PM's.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Pull some cash out...you going to need it.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

j1013 said:


> Yes you are probably right, I am afraid. I'm going to get a sitter for tomorrow so I can see a lawyer.


I am so very very sorry you are going through this. Very hard and heartbreaking. keep us posted.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

j1013 said:


> Thank you, can I ask does having more data help in a divorce? Which keylogger do you recommend?


In your case it should.

If you show pattern of spending on hookers, you can use it to show the judge that he has the means to pay child and spousal support. And an added bonus of showing the judge indirectly the reason why you're divorcing.

So, make copies of all those bank statements and keep the copies away from the house so he cant throw them out.


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## Cieran (Dec 2, 2012)

j1013 said:


> Need some advice. My husband just left for a week long business trip. I haven't completely trusted him for a while due to many things. After he left I was on the computer and checked the browsing history- he always always clears it, but was in a rush and did not today. I found history of searching for escorts in the town he is going to be in on his trip all week- clicked on many 'ads'. He typed in the name of the webpage, did not google- backpage.com- which makes me think he has checked it out before. I don't know what to do- confront him? If he wants to he will and I will never know the difference, except now I can think of nothing else.
> 
> We have been married 5 years, 2 kids..having a problems lately but thought things were improving. I seem to want to work it out more than he does. I have found lots of charges on the credit card before from strip clubs, he denies and denies. I have no idea or proof if he has ever physically cheated.



Guaranteed he is cheating. 
I cheated on my wife with escorts and backpage.com is one of the places I knew about. Just so you know, backpage.com is for the more individual girls (working for themselves) or small operations, thus they are generally cheaper. They are not like the high end agencies, which cost alot more and usually only found in major cities.


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## Cieran (Dec 2, 2012)

j1013 said:


> And now I am going through more of the bank statement- $100 on Tuesday at another strip club in another town. I am sick- why does he go so much?


I don't know about strip clubs. Perhaps it's a bit of peer pressure? I know guys like to egg one another on at strip clubs. I didn't go to strip clubs, as it seemed a waste of money.
But it's the social atmosphere of it i suppose?

My opinion is that money talks. and through money, any man can score quite the good looking woman regardless of his looks.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The data can help in a divorce if you live in a fault state. Do you?
> 
> It can help in a no-fault state if you can prove that he has spent a lot of marital assets on this nonsense. You can ask for your half of that money as part of your settlement. For example New Mexico is a no fault state. Yet one of my sisters was able to show that her husband spend thousands in gifts, trips etc for his mistress. She not only got half of that in a settlement but the judge awarded her more for his misuse of martial funds as punishment. It does not always work out that way but a good attorney would know how to work it.
> 
> ...


I agree with this. 

If you live stateside, ALL courts whether fault or no fault consider cheating a mitigating factor. This factor typically allows judges to at their discretion award more to the loyal spouse. 

Also, any money he spent on other women or hookers will be put back into the marital assests pot. So you will get more of what's left in your bank accounts when he puts all the money spent on the OW back in the mix. 

If there is not solid proof because he was using cash, the judge can estimate the amount based on the timeline and other issues.


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## j1013 (Dec 10, 2012)

Cieran said:


> Guaranteed he is cheating.
> I cheated on my wife with escorts and backpage.com is one of the places I knew about. Just so you know, backpage.com is for the more individual girls (working for themselves) or small operations, thus they are generally cheaper. They are not like the high end agencies, which cost alot more and usually only found in major cities.


Thanks- I found some web history of going to ..... too, but it looks like a forum site. I think he probably does it at home too, but don't know what to look for. I'm guessing its all cash, don't know where he would go, etc.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if he's a poster at a prostitute review forum then he's in deep, he's using fellow perverts to find out which prostitutes will not use condoms for oral and which will kiss, etc they have a list of acronyms longer than here on TAM 

see if you can line up his screen name based on where his business trips were and when he was there


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and before I catch sh!t for knowing about those sites, 2 years ago on another infidelity board I helped out another poster whose husband was using those forums and spent some time reading some of them


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

I don't actually think its the greatest idea to be posting certain web pages on here, there are some, Recovering people here we should keep in mind.

Maybe private message them instead?

Just a thought.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

j1013 said:


> Thanks- I found some web history of going to ..... too, but it looks like a forum site. I think he probably does it at home too, but don't know what to look for. I'm guessing its all cash, don't know where he would go, etc.


Sounds like the more you dig, the more you will find.

How's your day gone?


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## j1013 (Dec 10, 2012)

I confronted him over the phone tonight..kind of wish I had waited to do it in person or until I had more concrete proof. He pretty much said what I expected to hear- he was just curious about the escorts, heard about the web site on dateline tv (??? weak excuse!), would never go through with it, hes depressed and unhappy. He admits to the strip clubs but says he spends all the money on drinks there ($100+ and he is not coming home falling down drunk so I'm not buying this). He doesn't think there is anything wrong with strip clubs (I know plenty of people feel this way but it is too much of a habit/obsession for him) He says he is willing to change, stop hanging out with the guys he goes to strip clubs with (one is his brother who he is close to which is a problem), stop drinking, willing to get tested for STDs, says he has nothing to hide. I don't believe him that he hasn't cheated. 

He asked if I want him to go to counseling but then said he can fix himself and doesn't need anyones help. He is an alcoholic and once stopped drinking on his own for a year, so I know he can change himself, but I also know it probably won't last. He said he is glad I confronted him because he is in a downward spiral and needed to be stopped. He did try to turn it all back on me- how he is unhappy with x and y that I do or don't do, and then just doesn't care and does these things and feels guilty after. 

I feel like I didn't get anywhere with this. I'm going to get the VAR and install a keylogger, still plan to see a lawyer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well he's given you his song and dance. Now you can verify with the VAR and key logger. Though he will be much more careful now.


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