# Question for Men re: Sex Drive



## JoJoRider8 (Jun 26, 2014)

I've been with my fiancé almost 2 years. Our frequency of sex has gradually declined. The first year it was several times a week. Then when I moved in after a year, it declined - now it probably is 1 a week, maybe 2x most. And most of those times I initiate! He is always into it and glad, but I just cant figure out if 1) he's gotten lazy and just likes me to initiate or 2) his drive has just decreased or 3) he just isn't that excited or aroused by me generally as in the beginning (in other words, Im not new and exciting).

When we do it, I think its great as far as we both are concerned.

I'm wondering should I stop initiating and give him the chance to, so to speak? I feel like the times I have tried that, he doesn't initiate and then I get bitter, so I just assume initiate and be in a good mood. But it makes me sad he doesn't have that "cant keep hands off" or "wanting to ravish me" mentality like he used to.

He is 45 btw. He says Im beautiful and I look the same as when we started dating, and our relationship is otherwise great - we don't argue and really enjoy spending time together.

We have been trying to conceive for almost a year now, and that did put some pressure on him in terms of "having to perform" at certain times, and often 2-3 days in a row, but HE insisted as he wants a child so bad.

I dunno what to do, like how can I get him to have that mad desire for me like he used to have? I read of men on here married 20 years still wanting to ravage their wives 2-3 x week and so depressed and hurt that their wives don't care. Why doesn he have that drive? Sometimes I'll walk around in my lingerie while getting dressed, and he like wont even notice or take his eyes up off the damn ipad.

Oh and Ive checked, he occasionally looks at porn - maybe 2-3 x month? Not excessive and he certainly isn't cheating that I know of, we're together all the time and he always is loving and affectionate and respectful, etc of me (we both are)


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

At his age, testosterone levels are declining, and his may have dropped to a point where he seldom has the "urge" to initiate, but still high enough to perform when you initiate. Various health issues and medications can affect energy, sex drive, and testosterone levels, so a physical and blood work is important to do. Barring any other issues, T levels should be around 700. Much less may be "normal" but far from sufficient.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening JoJoRider8
You are doing the initiating. Are you initiating less often or is he turning you down? If (as I assume) he is turning you down, does he give a reason?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Keep in mind the first part of your relationship (and even now, most likely) was the "honeymoon" phase. That was probably the most/best sex you'll ever get out of your relationship. One old joke is that if a couple put one bean in a jar every time they had sex in the first year of marriage, and took one bean out every time they had sex AFTER the first year, they'd never empty the jar. I hope that's not true, but you get the point. 

Second... Trying to perform on demand is often a turnoff for guys and gals. It can become a chore. Not sexy at all. Why in so much of a hurry to get pregnant when you're early in your relationship and still not even married? Trust me, the sex isn't going to get better AFTER jr. is born!

Third... How's his health? Has he had a physical and a testosterone check done? At 45, things could be fading. For that matter, has there been any ED issues that may cause him to shy away from sex to avoid embarrassment?

Fourth... Being pursued can be a turnoff for some guys. Let him initiate. Or work on initiating "subtly". Like asking for a massage, and getting naked for it. Or getting caught watching porn. Sexting throughout the day to keep his mind on sex can help too. 

Just some thoughts...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JoJoRider8 (Jun 26, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening JoJoRider8
> You are doing the initiating. Are you initiating less often or is he turning you down? If (as I assume) he is turning you down, does he give a reason?


Well initially in the relationship he initiated more than me, or it was mutual.

For a long time now, I feel I initiate more of the time. Occasionally he will initiate 

I am fine with sex in terms of satisfying the physical need 1 x a week. I guess my problem arises in it just makes me sad that he isn't as desirous of me as before. That he can go so many days and not be chomping to get at me like before.

I have my toddler son (from prior R) a lot of the time, and he stays up late, and we don't usually have the opportunity when he's there, so the nights he's gone, it will have been several nights (like 5) and I would think he'd want to go at it, but I'll not initiate to see if he does, and he wont.

I think I am just saddened or fearful it will continue to dwindle, then he wont be satisfied, even tho its of his own doing!


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## JoJoRider8 (Jun 26, 2014)

PBear said:


> Second... Trying to perform on demand is often a turnoff for guys and gals. It can become a chore. Not sexy at all. Why in so much of a hurry to get pregnant when you're early in your relationship and still not even married?


Cuz Im almost 40.

He wants a baby so bad, he INSISTS on forcing himself even when he/we are not in the mood when its that time of month. I know this has played a big part in the change of our sex life. BUt that's just 2-3 days over a 30 day period. Btu a big part of me also just feels its like I'm become old hat, or he's just becoming comfortable/lazy, and that frankly Im not that exciting to him b/c he's had so much of it for 2 years.

But then I read there are men who after 20 yrs of marriage still want to bang their wives 3-4 x a week. So that makes me sad he doesn't feel that way.





PBear said:


> Fourth... Being pursued can be a turnoff for some guys. Let him initiate. Or work on initiating "subtly". Like asking for a massage, and getting naked for it. Or getting caught watching porn. Sexting throughout the day to keep his mind on sex can help too.


He always told me he loves when I initiate. And the times I do iniate it is very subtly usually. He can tell when Im in the mood b/c I lay a certain way and rub his belly. Basically its I initiate subtely, he then responds. 

I want him to want to do it, without having to wait for me to show I want it. I want him to want me a lot more I guess.

We've talked a little about it. He usually blames being tired. He agreed he should initiate more, but then doesn't really seem to do it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what about his health? His stress level? And again, it is normal for the sex frequency to change over time. Especially as "reality" hits. 

My SO and I are both about your husband's age. We've been seeing each other for over 3 years. At first, we were 6x a week. It WAS new and exciting. We didn't let family stuff get in the way of a boink. We put off things (like going to the gym) to be together and getting naked. 

Now... We're doing pretty good at 3 to 5 times a week, I think. We're not living together (yet) which kind of cramps things (so we don't even see each other some days), but we also don't have any kids in the house. 

Just some more thoughts... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JoJoRider8 (Jun 26, 2014)

He has stress, but he's always had it. Im sure that plays a part, but I guess I tend to think sex could be a stress relief! Health seems same as it was when we met, he doesn't have any major issues. We're both healthy, not overweight, and attractive

I cannot remember the last time we had sex 3x a week when I wasn't ovulating.

Been 18 mo since we had it more than 1x a day.

I cant think of a time in the past year when we've had spontaneous "gotta have it" sex outside the bedroom (ie making out in the kitchen, having to hide from my toddler, leaving a public place early to go home and do it)

I just don't know how I can recreate that passion occasionally when its one sided?

I get that its never gonna be like the first few months, but occasionally Id like to have something like I described above (like once a month or something)

is there anything I can do?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening JoJoRider8
Is it possible that you have had to turn him down a number of times - needing to take care of your son, etc? If so, he may have decided that it is easier to wait for you to initiate rather than face rejection (however reasonably that rejection might be).

Understand that I'm just taking wild shots in the dark here, this could be completely different from your situation. 





JoJoRider8 said:


> Well initially in the relationship he initiated more than me, or it was mutual.
> 
> For a long time now, I feel I initiate more of the time. Occasionally he will initiate
> 
> ...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Don't fall for the old trap of letting him do anything. At his age and with past experiences so close behind, he just feels secure and never realized how he has changed. 

heart health
belly fat
natural aging
lower testosterone, natural, but should be checked
mental health, depression
a feeling of accomplishing what he set out to do

...and many more things will contribute to his lowered drive and desire to initiate

From your side, 

You don't tell us your age and I didn't look at your profile so I'll guess you are in your early forties. If you are, you may be starting peri, which will lower your estrogen and your testosterone will kick your drive into overdrive. It will change who you are essentially for a little while and really permanently. You will want a more aggressive man. Many times, that's not what a husband is expecting to find, when he's been married to a steady woman for years. 

He won't know what hit him, especially if he is really satisfied and in love with you. 

I could be completely wrong here. I just wanted to give you one piece to the puzzle. It may be for the wrong puzzle. 

I apologize if it is. Either way, you both need to get checked out and get some counseling and talke with doctors and each other in detail, so you won't be splitting up because of some affair or something. I hope that doesn't happen to you. 

Good luck. Don't play the, "he'll get it if I am silent", game. He likely will not. Many men are pretty thick and pig headed.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

How much of this have you discussed with him? Is he aware of your feelings about this issue? Most men cant tell when the hormones dip, its like being in a bubble, and as others have mentioned, he needs to have his hormones checked. Total Testosterone(T), Free T, and ester levels (E2) should be the panels he asks for. Get the results and post them here, that will shed a lot of light on things.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

JoJoRider8 said:


> I've been with my fiancé almost 2 years....
> We have been trying to conceive for almost a year now


are you serious? For god's sake WHY?

Sounds like you are drifting apart. why burden yourself with a kid if you are on your way to splitting up?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Get married first, huh? 

Why aren't you married? Fiance. Not husband. Commitment first. Baby second. Cause you will be whining about the ring once you got your primary goal out of the way.

A family begins with the marriage. Commitment. Sharing everything and providing for one another legally, financially as well as emotionally. Once stability occurs then you think about children. That's the adult, mature route.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I can't speak for all men, but I can speak for myself:

My wife really never initiates. At least not in a sexy way. She's just not good at it (or comfortable with it), so it's 99.9% up to me.

I have no problem initiating, but like you, it gets tiresome when it's almost always you doing it.

If SHE was the one initiating (something I have little experience with in general, as my ex wife was similar. sigh), I might get a little lazy myself. And I like sex. A lot.

So if it was her doing it all the time, tbh, I'd think that was pretty awesome, and I could see myself letting her handle it going forward, and also assume that she was okay with it. It'd make me feel desired, which is a good thing. I might not realize that by not initiating myself, she isn't feeling desired.

From my pov, once or twice a week isn't bad. It may not be what YOU want, but it's probably very average, and it could certainly be worse.

Advice - talk to him, but in a meaningful and heartfelt way. Don't make him feel bad, or inadequate, or that he's not meeting your needs. TELL him what you want. Most men are perfectly happy to do things you tell them to when it comes to sex.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

good afternoon JoJoRider8
I just noticed the comment about trying for a baby. That can make sex extremely stressful. It can start to feel like a chore that *must* be done with all sorts of pressure. Could this be the root cause?


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## rick31797 (Jul 7, 2014)

He really needs to get his thyroid checked and testosterone..


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

JoJoRider8 said:


> Cuz Im almost 40.
> 
> He wants a baby so bad


am I missing something here? Why on earth would you want a baby before you got married? Especially if the sex is bad! stop and think what you are doing.


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