# Jealousy



## Nicensafe (Feb 24, 2019)

How do people cope with an extremely jealous partner?

I know what jealousy is, in terms of everyday events and things. The one area that seems foreign to me though, is jealousy in a relationship.

Here's some background:

Wife and I have been together for 20 years. Over that time, we've had several friends, some male, some female. Now, during this time, I've been supporting and encouraged her to have friends and hang out with them, either with or without me, even if they were male. 

Here's my dilemma though; I make friends easier with the opposite sex. I've had male friends before, but females are always more drawn to me in friendships and seeing as I'm a bit of an antisocial introvert, my lack of overall friendships means that the ratio of females to males, is relatively high.

My wife gets jealous. She gets very jealous! The better friends and more I talk with someone, the more jealous she gets, even to the point of physical intervention. While I like being supportive of her and can empathize with her in nearly every aspect of our lives, I'm at a total loss for this. Logically, I can understand jealousy, but emotionally, I just draw a blank. I can't feel what it would be like to be jealous in a relationship and I can't relate in any way, to her jealousy :frown2:

How does anyone else manage this??


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

This is a potentially tough situation, and you and your wife need to sit down and negotiate boundaries for opposite sex friends (osf).

Generally, it's not wise for either party of a married couple to spend 1:1 time with osf, for reasons that should be fairly obvious. A lot of affairs start out this way, and the couple honestly never intended for that to happen, but when you play with fire...

I personally wouldn't be comfortable with my husband going out 1:1 with a female friend. Nor he I - with the exception of my gay bestie hehehe, again for reasons that should be fairly obvious. The reason for this is NOT jealousy, I don't have the jealousy gene, but I am protective of my marriage and would fight like a wild cat to protect it if I had to. I'd be ready to give *****es stitches


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## jyotisharma2859 (Feb 12, 2019)

I think the best relationship is when you love and support your partner best and other people get jealous of it. She is jealous and she needs your support. There's nothing wrong in making friends and spending time with them but if your wife isn't liking someone at all then you should respect your relationship. Over jealously can ruin a relationship. Make her understand, show her love and care more than any other girl.


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## Nicensafe (Feb 24, 2019)

These replies are rather interesting to read. I know I'm missing a bit of context, so I will try to add what I can.

Jealousy has never been a huge factor in my life when it comes to relationships, especially. For the past 10+ years, religion has also played a role in this, as the entire concept of non-attachment is a cornerstone of the belief system.

Our relationship started when she was young. She expressed some regret about not getting out more before we met and we agreed to a mutual arrangement that I was fully supportive of. Fast forward a few years and she reached a point where she was satisfied... however, it was a very one-sided deal, let's say.

I decided to let it be, since our relationship was more important and felt this was "just in my head" and not worth making an ordeal over. Over 15 years alter, this has crept up now and then, lurking in the background and has, reached a situation where it may potentially become an issue once more.

Anyone who's seen us, would say we're a "perfect" couple; we do everything together, had a child and focus on our family. My career has been such that it never gets in the way of our home life and we spend a good deal of time with each other over the years. Of course, I'm biased, but it's hard to say that we neglect each other 

After our history and our decades together, it still puzzles me, how jealousy can ever be a factor here. I never once thought our relationship was in jeopardy, even when we were very open about it all at the start. My brain can't wrap around the idea that jealousy would still be a factor, or how it ever played one in the first place.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She obviously feels differently about the situation than you do. You can't change the way she feels so you need to work with her instead of trying to figure out why her feelings aren't the same as yours.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Her level of jealousy is toxic and irrational. While it is reasonable to have some concerns about OSFs, and boundaries should be discussed and observed, excessive jealousy isn't healthy or normal, especially if there have been no instances where you've behaved inappropriately with your friends.

There are many approaches to dealing with this. You can pander to her insecurities at the cost of your own friendships and happiness; you can try to attempt to negotiate acceptable boundaries that she - and you - can live with; you can do nothing and possibly blow up your marriage; you can ask (or insist) that she get individual counselling to deal with her unhealthy reactions, and hope that leads to acceptable compromises; or you can force the issue in other ways (you probably don't want to do this unless you are done with your marriage anyway).


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I'll go ahead and say I am always a little....skeptical when someone complains about a jealous spouse and in the same breath says they always prefer friends of the opposite gender


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sorry but you really have no business being chummy and chatty with other women, especially when you are very much aware that your wife is not ok with it. Have more respect for your relationship, SHE is more important than some random chicks you decide you need to be friends with. If you dont feel that way, then maybe you need to be single.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Since you cannot possibly change her behavior, you might try changing what you can....Yours.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"Our relationship started when she was young. She expressed some regret about not getting out more before we met and we agreed to a mutual arrangement that I was fully supportive of. Fast forward a few years and she reached a point where she was satisfied... however, it was a very one-sided deal, let's say."

So, you let your wife go out and bang other guys for a few years?? And you were NEVER jealous or that it bothered you? (Um, WOW if that is the case).

Now, she is jealous about you having women friends. Did you ever say to her that you never got jealous while she was having sex with others, why are you jealous when I am just talking with them?


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

If you want to make friends and hangout with 
them how about making friends with other couples ?

If you tell your wife to go hang out with her friends 
while you go hang out with mostly female friends then 
she is going to be jealous and maybe even suspicious.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Like Frudisil said, you need to negotiate and set boundaries with your wife. And keep in mind that those "boundaries" may likely end up with you NOT hanging out with women. No matter how much easier it is for you to make friends with them.

I am NOT a jealous person by nature AT ALL. But I would become one in a hurry if my husband had 1 on 1 friendships with females. Opposite sex friendships are how affairs start. Having more fun with opposite sex people other than your spouse is how affairs start. These seemingly innocent to you friendships are a very real threat to your marriage, and your wife instinctively understands that. 

If you don't mind the idea of your wife hanging out with other men without you, that's fair. But understand that *you *are the unusual one here, not your wife.

And *why do you want to have female friends other than your wife*? Do you not enjoy her company? Does she not want to spend time with you? Are you not able to talk openly with her? I understand married people have friends other than their spouse, but ideally your spouse is your best friend and comes first and you have empathy for their feelings. Most married people I know who are social hang out with other couples. 

The fact that you want to pursue these other friendships makes me think you're not happy/satisfied with your wife, and probably makes her feel the same way.






Nicensafe said:


> How do people cope with an extremely jealous partner?
> 
> I know what jealousy is, in terms of everyday events and things. The one area that seems foreign to me though, is jealousy in a relationship.
> 
> ...


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

So.... was she dating/sleeping with other guys during this "one sided open" period? If so, she did it then with your permission. But as you say it was one sided. Sounds like she was never okay with you dating other women while being with her, and now that you're trying to do it, she's going to assume you're open to having sex with them. That isn't what she wants in a marriage.







Nicensafe said:


> These replies are rather interesting to read. I know I'm missing a bit of context, so I will try to add what I can.
> 
> Jealousy has never been a huge factor in my life when it comes to relationships, especially. For the past 10+ years, religion has also played a role in this, as the entire concept of non-attachment is a cornerstone of the belief system.
> 
> ...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't like the word jealousy in this context. To be jealous is to want something that someone else has. I would say your wife is protective. Maybe you would say that she is overly protective or just plain controlling.

I used to think that men and women could be friends and that there would be mutual respect among married partners and these outside people. But it doesn't happen that way. What I experience are women who want to pretend that they know my husband better than I do. That out marriage has nothing to do with her friendship with my my husband and so on...... I had to come to terms with the fact that someone whom I had considered a friend was trying to groom my husband to date her. These things would not have happened had the gate been closed right from the beginning.

So I have learned to nip this all in the bud. My passive aggressive FIRST husband enjoyed very much after awhile chatting up my friends to the point where they felt I was disposable. 

So now, what's your question? If you want to carry on with these female friendships, then maybe you need to end your marriage so that you can look for a wife who doesn't mind. Maybe one of these women with whom you are already friends may not mind "graduating" to the wife position and having to share not her "friend" but her "husband" with other women.

think about that for a moment.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> I'll go ahead and say I am always a little....skeptical when someone complains about a jealous spouse and in the same breath says they always prefer friends of the opposite gender


Quoting because I think this needs to be said again.
And you can't like a reply more than once.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

When a man is stupid enough to let his wife sleep with other men....he doesn't get to whine about it later. Sorry.

The issue is not what the wife did. The issue is that this man actually agreed to it.

When you play with matches you don't get to whine about burned fingers.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> I don't like the word jealousy in this context.


Me neither.



NextTimeAround said:


> To be jealous is to want something that someone else has.


That sounds more like envy. I seem to think jealousy is a third party wanting what I have.....or is that a distinction without a difference? haha



NextTimeAround said:


> I would say your wife is protective.


I think she is projecting. She had her fun after having 'regrets' for not riding the carousel in her younger days. She damn well doesn't want him to develop any 'regrets' now. 

A classic example of making poor decisions early in a marriage and the consequences thereafter.

Good luck.

BTW, not picking on you, NextTimeAround, your post is just a springboard for my thoughts.:grin2:


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Nicensafe said:


> For the past 10+ years, religion has also played a role in this, as the entire concept of non-attachment is a cornerstone of the belief system.


I'm intrigued! Is it possible for more background on this?


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Yeah I can manage this **** like a boss. I am MARRIED to my wife, we are a COUPLE, we are one unit, there is only US. So no, neither of us is going to hang out with the opposite sex. THE END


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ah, so here is what OP is trying to justify:

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/431877-right-connection-wrong-person.html


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Man, it's normal for a husband to limit is "spending time" with female friends. 

If you're not realizing that you're not putting your relationship with your W first.

It's that simple. Really, really is.

So it appears this is your problem not hers. 

Most married successful husbands can cultivate female friends in the same way you've described "comes naturally" to you. 

You're really not that special in that respect. 

It's just that most of these same men realize it's not something a married man does.

You have to decide.

Or eventually she will take to heart you want to spend time with other women, she'll stop talking to you about it, and she'll harden her heart. 

Then you may lose her.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> I'll go ahead and say I am always a little....skeptical when someone complains about a jealous spouse and in the same breath says they always prefer friends of the opposite gender


Why?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

OnTheFly said:


> That sounds more like envy. I seem to think jealousy is a third party wanting what I have.....or is that a distinction without a difference? haha


Let me clear this up for you and @NextTimeAround. (For some reason I get all weird when people confuse Jealousy and Envy.)

*Envy *is wanting what someone else has - their car, their wife, their full head of hair, etc. Thou shalt not covet!

*Jealousy *is fear of losing something you have to someone else - your spouse to another lover, your friends to more interesting people, your children's love to their new spouse (like some Mother-in-laws apparently do), your dog's affection to your new roommate, etc.

Next week we will discuss the difference between "Are" and "our" plus "Then" and Than." ;-)


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> OnTheFly said:
> 
> 
> > That sounds more like envy. I seem to think jealousy is a third party wanting what I have.....or is that a distinction without a difference? haha
> ...


And how about those people who use “all” in place of “I’ll”?!?!?

Anyhoo....is jealousy really a fear, though? In the Old Testament it’s said that God was jealous of Israel as they chased after false idols. Not so much fear but righteous indignation?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

OnTheFly said:


> And how about those people who use “all” in place of “I’ll”?!?!?
> 
> Anyhoo....is jealousy really a fear, though? In the Old Testament it’s said that God was jealous of Israel as they chased after false idols. Not so much fear but righteous indignation?


I'm not a biblical scholar, but it sounds like my definition of jealousy to me. they were chasing after false idols, IOW, worshipping/loving something else when he wanted them to be worshipping/loving him. So wasn't he essentially fearful of losing their devotion that should be directed at him to these false idols? 

Maybe FEAR is not the right word? But it's a reaction to the threat of losing something you consider yours.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Are we really arguing about word definitions????


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> OnTheFly said:
> 
> 
> > And how about those people who use “all” in place of “I’ll”?!?!?
> ...


I’ll buy that for a dollar 👍


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

personofinterest said:


> Are we really arguing about word definitions????


The red pill made me do it (along with a side serving of MGTOW)


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

OnTheFly said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Are we really arguing about word definitions????
> ...


Knowing how to laugh at oneself is half the battle...


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

personofinterest said:


> Are we really arguing about word definitions????


Noooo!!!! We're discussing them.

Do I need to define "argue" and "discuss" for you?! (Just kidding. At least I thought that was funny...:grin2::wink2


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Nicensafe said:


> How do people cope with an extremely jealous partner?
> 
> I know what jealousy is, in terms of everyday events and things. The one area that seems foreign to me though, is jealousy in a relationship.
> 
> ...


Personally as a married woman I would never have a close male friend who wasn't also friends with my husband. Not because he is jealous, because he hasn't got a jealous bone in his body, but because its a boundary I have out of respect for him and to protect our marriage. I have seen so many affairs start this way, people of the opposite sex getting too close with each other, and I can understand you wife not being happy. 

Can you tell us how these friendships play out? Do you go out with them? Text them a lot? Talk on the phone? Is your wife friends with these women as well? Do you go out with them together?


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Ah, so here is what OP is trying to justify:
> 
> https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/431877-right-connection-wrong-person.html


So he wants to know how to manage his wife being jealous at him violating his marriage covenant and already being in an EA with another woman?

Easy answer! Stop talking to the OW right now.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just get all her friends pregnant. 

Or.....
...... stop destroying your marriage with an EA?

So many choices....


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I suggest you both start by reading: Not Just Friends by Dr Glass

You can buy in used on Amazon for $5

It's researched based guidance based on the lessons learned from couples that experienced infidelity.

It removes the: you're crazy...or controling...or I need my friends arguments- and provides a unemotional basis to discuss boundaries.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I just don't like it when a partner in an exclusive relationship is called "jealous" because it is pejorative when they are concerned about the future of their relationship.


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