# She wants a divorce but decided to separate



## BatDaddy91 (Jun 4, 2021)

Hey guys I’m new here and need some advice.
My wife and I have been married for 4 years but together for 11 years. Beginning of Feb I knew something was wrong but wouldn’t open up so I took her to the room and she finally told me she has not been happy for a long time and wants out of the relationship. That night I was hurt and stayed the night at a hotel figured I’d let her cool off to talk. Well the next day we got into our biggest fight words were set and we were both yelling at each other so bad she said she was done. I extended my stay and went back to the room. She had already told my 9 Y/O and 3 Y/O we were getting a Divorce without me being there. Later that night she came by and dropped my daughter off and she said not one word to me. The next day I came by the house and talked to her privately in the room and told her I’d give her the Divorce and let her go. She told me let’s try again and go to counseling. Few months go by waiting to get into counseling I felt like I was the only one trying to communicate with her but only thing she wanted to do really was be in her gamer chats and talk with her friends so I was frustrated and angry that by the end of April she said she was done and wanted a Divorce. She started to plan out what would be separated from our bills and what she was going to take over. Later that night we talked and I asked her before a Divorce let’s do a separation trial to see how things go and she told me she would not wait long and we decided 3 months after that Divorce. I been getting a lot of mixed signals last week she told me she still cares and loves me but she is emotionally closed up and doesn’t want to feel any of those emotions right now. I have been working on me and my anger, tone ect with my counselor and talking to her in a different manner. It’s been a month since I moved out but we see each other daily because of my kids and I have been over on The Weeknd’s so far and she has even let me sleep in our bed with her. Should I keep going or should I give up I have those things going in my head daily...


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m going to ask you a few things, hope you’ll provide answers:

1did she fairly suddenly get distant?

2If I asked you if she was cheating would you respond- “oh she’d never do that!” Or have you checked phone records, hired a PI, or put a voice activated recorder in her car, knowing how to use it?

3). What are her reasons for wanting a divorce?

4). Would you want your wife to be with you and not love you, or would you want her to be happy even if it was without you?

The sad truth is that once a woman falls out of love with a man, it just doesn’t return and you changing or chasing her—- has the opposite effect. It will make her run.
what you need to do is the hardest: see an attorney, file yourself, and let her go.

it will hurt immensely. I went through it. It’s a 2year-mare, not a nightmare. But you will be ok. I’m very, very sorry.

if she suddenly became distant, guards her phone, changes in dress patterns or makeup, changes in sex positions or frequency.... it’s likely another man. If you haven’t exhausted a search for that already, you’re naive.


----------



## BatDaddy91 (Jun 4, 2021)

-It wasn’t suddenly I just didn’t pay it no mind,
-She dose not guard her phone or has never cheated I can still grab her phone and the password is the same
-Reason for divorce is she is tired of the round about fights and arguing I know I have my own issues anger, jealousy, ect but currently working on it
- And yes I want her to be happy of course. My hard spot is she still finds reasons to hang out and talk or me to come over for the night. We still have sex and still planning the future but at the same time she tells me she is emotionally blocked off and needs time to work through it


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Give her time, stop the fighting, be the best you that you can be but don’t chase her. Take what she gives, don’t push for more.
If she says she’d like to try counseling, try it.
There may be a last chance spark in there.

why all the fighting?
Anger is a huge issue. It makes them feel—- I don’t know. I’m not a woman. But they don’t take it like men. It hurts them and it builds resentment. They don’t get over it like a man. It kills their feelings. You’ve got to get a handle on that or you can forget having her as your wife.


----------



## BatDaddy91 (Jun 4, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Give her time, stop the fighting, be the best you that you can be but don’t chase her. Take what she gives, don’t push for more.
> If she says she’d like to try counseling, try it.
> There may be a last chance spark in there.
> 
> ...


----------



## BatDaddy91 (Jun 4, 2021)

The fighting I’m not going to lie it was usually me finding a reason idk why I was that angry but it was linked to my anger ect and I definitely want her to be my wife and thanks for the advice I will do that


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you chase they usually move farther away.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

BatDaddy91 said:


> The fighting I’m not going to lie it was usually me finding a reason idk why I was that angry but it was linked to my anger ect and I definitely want her to be my wife and thanks for the advice I will do that


I’m always sad when I hear this being the reason, and the angry people say how much they really do love the other person... but at some point, she’s probably spent most of this relationship blaming herself.

Each day she starts, ‘How can I not make him angry today!’ Sometimes she’s going to try cleaning the house, dressing nicer, not arguing back, giving you a smile when you walk in the door, not being at the door in case her face makes you mad, cooking your favourite meal, not cooking you anything because you hate all her food... and you’re still angry and you fight with her. What does she get no matter what she does? A fight.

That’s no way to live, and that’s not love.

And you didn’t want her for a wife, you wanted her for a punching bag.

Let her go and let her heal, this must have take the last of her strength (if she even had any) to leave you.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Work on your anger and tone. Likely too much damage has been done to revive the trust.

Give her the divorce she wants. Spend time with your kids. Don’t ever yell at them. Learn how to tell them calmly whatever it is you need to tell them.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Give her time, stop the fighting, be the best you that you can be but don’t chase her. Take what she gives, don’t push for more.
> If she says she’d like to try counseling, try it.
> There may be a last chance spark in there.
> 
> ...


Mens anger is scary to us and makes us feel insecure and unstable.

You guys are generally bigger and I think in general women are more emotionally fragile.

Guys absolutely have to control their anger with us.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> The sad truth is that once a woman falls out of love with a man, it just doesn’t return and you changing or chasing her—- has the opposite effect. It will make her run.
> what you need to do is the hardest: see an attorney, file yourself, and let her go.


Amen Bro


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Gamer chats?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> I’m always sad when I hear this being the reason, and the angry people say how much they really do love the other person... but at some point, she’s probably spent most of this relationship blaming herself.
> 
> Each day she starts, ‘How can I not make him angry today!’ Sometimes she’s going to try cleaning the house, dressing nicer, not arguing back, giving you a smile when you walk in the door, not being at the door in case her face makes you mad, cooking your favourite meal, not cooking you anything because you hate all her food... and you’re still angry and you fight with her. What does she get no matter what she does? A fight.
> 
> ...


😞😥😥
Sadly, she can’t trust that he won’t revert back to how he was even if he could somehow change. If he starts being nice, she will actually get mad even more.

OP, you might try signing up for some kind of counseling for the anger. If it didn’t change your wife’s mind, at least it might help you in the future.
I don’t suggest writing your wife a letter or talking to her about this. She will use anything you admit as evidence she’s right to leave.
Make some changes like seeing a counselor and others that she won’t know about. 
if she talks to you, listen. Do NOT go into a diatribe about all the things you did wrong and want to fix. As I said, she will turn that against you. Just take action and try to fix yourself on the anger.

Btw, stuff like this is rarely all you. If you were a despicable “angry” man that just beat her down emotionally all the time, for no reason except to use her as your emotional punching bag as described above, I doubt you’d recognize it in yourself. Then again, if that was you, own it. Consider letting her go, fixing that part of your personality, and moving on. It’s likely you don’t have a choice. We men do stupid things. But we can change if our heart is in it to do so.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

She's still letting you sleep in the same bed, then she's still emotionally available and you've got a chance.

Every time you get angry with her that window of opportunity closes that much more.

When was the last time you got angry with her?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Mens anger is scary to us and makes us feel insecure and unstable.
> 
> You guys are generally bigger and I think in general women are more emotionally fragile.
> 
> Guys absolutely have to control their anger with us.


Yes, male anger is very threatening to females. No way I would stay with an angry man.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

BatDaddy91 said:


> The fighting I’m not going to lie it was usually me finding a reason idk why I was that angry but it was linked to my anger ect and I definitely want her to be my wife and thanks for the advice I will do that


You need counseling for yourself to get this under control, AND you may want to do marriage counseling, but YOU need to do that NO MATTER WHAT. Your wife may see that you are now actually listening to her concerns and trying to take actions, but even if she doesn't YOU need to do this for your life moving forward. Being irrationally angry at everything is no way to live.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I do want to mention something...
Men and women have very different pressures growing up. Men are ultracompetitive and when growing up and establishing a pecking order, some men subconsciously learn that anger is a very useful coping mechanism for dealing with bullies, etc. They find that anger is their only emotion that helps them deal with fear. I personally entered school at 4 yrs old, attended the same school from k-12.
As I went through puberty and the testosterone started, my mindset changed and I decided that the negative emotions associated with anger were far better than the depression which resulted from the humiliation that backing down from situations I knew weren’t my fault(most were just kids pushing on the weak kid to feel better about themselves). Anger became very useful to me. I got in 6 fist fights my junior year of high school. A couple as a senior. None in college. Guys recognize subconsciously when a person knows how to handle themselves. I know I would get angry in my twenties and thirties over small inconveniences as a result. I still have a problem controlling anger when I’m very fearful such as if my kids or wife or whomever I care for is in danger. It’s still useful, honestly. Because I can control anger better than fear and accomplish what needs to be done, and I’m darn good at solving problems that a lot of people freeze uo
But I will admit it wasn’t something that made being married to me a treat at times. Something I still work in although at 48, I don’t believe anyone would say it’s a problem. 
My point is that there are circumstances beyond our control that may lead to anger issues for men. Sadly, there’s not really any education or way to diagnose it other than losing relationships over it. And it’s hard to fix.

I’m in no way excusing it. I’m just saying there are likely a lot of men that would be better off self-analyzing and getting help before it ruins their relationships.

and yes, an angry man can still greatly live his wife, but subconsciously mistreat her and believe he was right to react how he did at the time. But reacting with anger to small situations and making a woman fear her husband and walk on eggshells........ eventually it will flip the love switch and she’s done. And once it’s off..... it’s off for good.
I’ll agree that that is more than fair.


----------



## CupCake522 (Mar 24, 2013)

BatDaddy91 said:


> Hey guys I’m new here and need some advice.
> My wife and I have been married for 4 years but together for 11 years. Beginning of Feb I knew something was wrong but wouldn’t open up so I took her to the room and she finally told me she has not been happy for a long time and wants out of the relationship. That night I was hurt and stayed the night at a hotel figured I’d let her cool off to talk. Well the next day we got into our biggest fight words were set and we were both yelling at each other so bad she said she was done. I extended my stay and went back to the room. She had already told my 9 Y/O and 3 Y/O we were getting a Divorce without me being there. Later that night she came by and dropped my daughter off and she said not one word to me. The next day I came by the house and talked to her privately in the room and told her I’d give her the Divorce and let her go. She told me let’s try again and go to counseling. Few months go by waiting to get into counseling I felt like I was the only one trying to communicate with her but only thing she wanted to do really was be in her gamer chats and talk with her friends so I was frustrated and angry that by the end of April she said she was done and wanted a Divorce. She started to plan out what would be separated from our bills and what she was going to take over. Later that night we talked and I asked her before a Divorce let’s do a separation trial to see how things go and she told me she would not wait long and we decided 3 months after that Divorce. I been getting a lot of mixed signals last week she told me she still cares and loves me but she is emotionally closed up and doesn’t want to feel any of those emotions right now. I have been working on me and my anger, tone ect with my counselor and talking to her in a different manner. It’s been a month since I moved out but we see each other daily because of my kids and I have been over on The Weeknd’s so far and she has even let me sleep in our bed with her. Should I keep going or should I give up I have those things going in my head daily...


Please be patient continue to work on yourself and if she wants to do group couple therapy do it but don't force it. Focus on one day at a time and see where it goes. Good luck.


----------



## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

BatDaddy91 said:


> My hard spot is she still finds reasons to hang out and talk or me to come over for the night. We still have sex and still planning the future but at the same time she tells me she is emotionally blocked off and needs time to work through it


I say then give her time, but don't share a bed or continue to eff her....Just my opinion....people just can't say that stuff and go about as if nothing happened...She dropped a bomb on you....

I'd never be able to participate in that "push and pull, hot and cold" crap...what does that mean in terms of letting go vs hanging in, I can't say, but Its just not something I would do...You have your own take on it. so go with your gut...

As for anger....I dunno...I get angry at times, along with a lot of other moodiness....But its almost never personal...She has been with you for a fairly long time...Most people have personality types that rarely change...Why is it so much of an issue now, where it wasn't really before??


----------

