# Can/Will My Marriage Survive Sobriety??



## Nobody

I've been a "lurker" here for a few weeks and finally decided to join - I don't know where else to turn. I don't have the worst problems nor the most complex life, however I'm hoping someone here can relate and maybe shed some light.

I'm *almost* 36, he's 38 - we've been together for 19 years, married for 17.5 of them. We have 3 children: 11 yo son, 14 yo son & 17 yo daughter; we both work and own our home (well, pay mortgage) and intruding family members aren't an issue (any longer). We also jointly own two businesses, although one is *mine* and one is *his*; mine is up and running and fully functioning and he helps out to a degree, his is laying kind of dormant at this time.

Turns out, DH is an alcoholic. And I'm SO PROUD to say he's 15 months sober!!

This man is the absolute love of my life and I can't imagine it without him! He's been my best friend, my lover, my rock, my everything! He's always said and acted the same toward me. We've always done pretty much everything together, could talk about anything and everything. I've always heard that there are "things" that husbands & wives shouldn't talk about or tell each other but we never knew what they were! DH has always been kind, caring, compassionate, very thoughtful. He would *just know* when I needed a hug. Always remembered holidays & special days and now & then, yet on a regular basis, there were small gifts, cards, just a note of love/appreciation. He's always been very sensitive and on the quiet side, you would never find him in ANY sort of confrontation. 17 years later, we still walked thru WalMart hand in hand and we have the most amazing sex life! Any of our friends had always told us how "jealous" they were of our love for each other and true bond that we had formed. Obviously it wasn't always this way, we were very young when we got together. But we grew up, we learned how to be adults, parents, husband & wife - together! The road has never been golden, there have been countless bumps, but nothing we couldn't ever work through - together! For the last 2 years or so, all we do is bump heads and argue. We've even resigned to arguing about agreeing!! Argh!

It started a few months before the sobriety... he stopped being as attentive, didn't *act* as lovey dovey as he always had, forget about gifts or notes any day of the week let alone holidays and our sex life began to take a back seat. I started questioning the lack of affection. He had been drinking more than he had in the past and he was always tired from work (I loathed the place of employment which is a HUGE thorn in our sides) and things just seemed to be falling apart.

Enter sobriety. UgH!

As I said, I am SO PROUD of him and yes, I do tell him this. I would drink with him as well, but not as often and not as much, and I "quit" with him if for no other reason than to support him. Being that I do not face this addiction as he does, I honestly can't understand the thoughts and emotions that he has had and continues to go through. I have tried to talk to him but I'm not really sure what to say. I praise him for his strength and continued dedication to being sober, I try to compliment him more often and encourage continued success. I've offered to listen to him when he wants or needs, offered to listen to him yell when he's frustrated and just be there for whatever and whenever he needs. He thanks me and that's about it. At first he was angry all the time, which is SO unlike him. After a while, that turned to depression. All of which I assumed was part of the sobering process. I suggested that he find someone to talk to, he has chosen not to and has done all of this on his own! He keeps telling me that HE did this to himself and to us and the family and HE has to *fix things* by himself. I have a different opinion however and have shared it with him as well. I've been here the whole time! Before the excessive drinking, before the problematic drinking, I drank with him, bought it for him, etc. He seems to think that he's taken something away from me and has ruined my life. I keep trying to tell him that this is simply NOT true. I'm a big girl and pretty smart too - don't you think that if I ever thought that I was losing out on something or having my life taken away I would have left a long time ago? He agrees but then says he can't forgive himself for "what he's done". He has apologized for being a burden on me and leaving me to take care of the kids on my own for the most part and for taking care of him also. He regrets not "being there" for the kids and I and taking so much away from us, even though he really didn't, he just doesn't remember these things. I just suggested to him the other day that maybe he could stop dwelling on the past so much and things that he can't change and work on today & the tomorrows that we have to make up for lost memories and create new ones. I have felt hurt and resentful in the past for what I thought was more than my fair share of "life" but I hold no grudges now and have pointed out yet again, I could've left... so it's not entirely his fault. But then at times he'll turn around and be angry with me for something I've said or done and complain to stop treating him like a kid that I'm not his mother! I tried to explain to him that while he was learning to be human again (as he calls it) and learning how to deal with this new found sense of independence, I was trying to learn how to live with this new person who was nothing like my husband of all these years! The depression stage ended (I think!) and I can't decide what it's been ever since.... I started to fall into a depression... my "new husband" still isn't very affectionate and loving OR maybe I should say not like he used to be? I've always been a little on the insecure side and DH has always made me feel like I had no reason to be, like I was the most wonderful person in the world and that NObody ANYwhere could hold a candle to me in any way. When his lack of attention, affection and loving words and actions continued, I would mention it every few days or so. Sometimes I'd talk to him, sometimes write a note or letter. But nothing ever seems to help. He tells me that he loves me more than anything else in this world and wants to be with me forever but he refuses to "follow me around like a puppy dog and kiss my ass" - his words. I was so hurt by this I didn't know what to think! I *thought* he was nice and kind and caring, bought me gifts and all the other mushy stuff that goes along with it because he loved me and it was a natural instinct to do so. He tells me that he thinks he may've drank so much for so long to help him deal with ME and FEAR of disappointing me. WTF is this supposed to mean??? I don't believe for one minute that this man I've been with for 17 of the 19 years doesn't exist. In fact I told DH that he just wasn't that good of an actor and at least part of that man had to still be in there somewhere... he agrees and then says but I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do to try & make things right. I tried to tell him about things that he used to say or do, his response was that he didn't remember a lot of things and couldn't just take my word for it. Then I tried giving hints or out right blunt things that he could say or do that would help me make me feel loved and needed again. He got angry with me for telling him what he should say or do and says he'll just wait until I tell him what to say before he speaks! OMG!!!!! DH, of all people, should know that if you ask me anything, I will answer! After asking me what it is I wanted and needed, I tell him, then I'm just a controlling b**** for telling him what to do. I also asked him why it was now so hard to show any affection toward me if in fact he really does love and want me. The answer was along the lines of well who wants to be around someone who's always depressed and pouting?! Holy crap! Has he not just heard anything I've said??? When he drank, he was kind of laid back and just went with the flow of most everything. Now that he's sober, he's still laid back but very opinionated about many things and doesn't always think before he speaks. He's become kind of thoughtless and hurtful at times. When I point out that I didn't appreciate something he said or did, he either snickers about it or it turns into another argument about me telling him what to do. And it's a given that if what I have to say is not 100% positive in his favor an argument WILL follow. When I asked him to just say or do something nice for me once in a while because I didn't think it would kill him and he used to do these things, he gets angry again and says nothing he ever does is right, he screws up everything all the time anyway, so why bother? I just feel like I can't win with him anymore! I've tried to be calm and tender, caring and empathetic, strong and forceful... I've given him time and space, I've tried to give him more and give him less. He still says he loves me from the depths of his soul and wants to be here with me and is willing to do anything to make it right and wants to see me smile again and I feel the same for him... but then either nothing actually gets started or it's something half assed and all of a sudden it's a complete failure and gets dropped. Our sex life has been improving in these last few weeks tho, frequency anyway, and I think a lot of it is because I have been initiating again like I used to, and it's still fantastic BTW!!

I understand that it's quite possible (and likely) that this man that I love so very much may not ever be the same as he was "then"... but is *this* ever going to improve?? Is there anything that I can say or do to help him stop beating himself up so much? Or is it all just a matter of time? Any insight or advice would be so greatly appreciated right now! Thanks to whoever takes the time to read this and especially respond!!


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## Nobody

Not exactly the type of response I was looking for, but it'll do LOL

After some discussion with DH, my heart knows we're in it for the long haul. If we made it through the active alcohol phase, we can certainly live with sobriety!! It's definitely not easy and I'm guessing it never will be but... I just love a good challenge!


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## 2GW

I can relate my husband of 19 years has been clean for 2 years now. Congrats to your H I know it wasn't easy. My husband is changed some for the good and some for the bad. He is more self centered now. I have to remind him sometimes that its not all bout him or his clean time. I am very proud of him and tell him all the time. I learned from Naranon that sometime the clean addict is more of a jerk than the active one. Hang in there things will balance out. They wont be like things use to be and you really dont wont them to. But they will be better.


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## shelleyv

I got married and after about 4 years realised my husband was an alcoholic. This was all we fought about because he was the best person when he was sober. Much to my surprise he told me one day (after disappearing for days - a usual habit of his) that he was taking drugs also. My, did I feel like a toss. Imagine living with someone for so long and not knowing they doing that? I was at that point going to leave him (made the decision before he told me about the drugs) and I felt nothing for him. The lies, betrayal, etc made me very cold and I just wanted to leave. He went to rehab (his choice) and it was a hard long road. He has been clean and sober for about 5 years now and although I am happy about that, his personality has changed so much. He has become anti-social, has no friends and no hobbies. we dont go out much, every social function he spoils for me (I am now not taking him along anymore) and i have to make excuses now when i am invited to functions because I know he wont go along. So there are good parts to it and bad parts. i most definately wont want him drinking ever again but its just sad that he has become so introverted now. i miss having good times and going out and being with people and i dont go by myself because otherwise i have a sulky husband when i get home. But its all good. Just glad he is clean/sober. We have a beautiful daughter now too and he is a great dad. Guess we cant have everything...


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## dobo

I know this is an old post but I wanted to mention to anyone who is interested in this particular subject to google "dry drunk". Not drinking doesn't always solve the underlying issues for someone. A lot of folks drink to self-medicate. Without add'l help there are still problems even after the alcohol is gone.

Check out anxiety issues, Shelley. Without the booze your fella' may not know how to have fun or be himself.


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