# What If It wasn't Ever Real



## kindguy (Mar 20, 2010)

First of all, let me apologize for the length of this post. I always worry that I'll be misunderstood if I don't provide the right context. I'll try to work on that.

My wife and I have been married over six years, and we dated/were engaged for about a year before that. We have a four year old son. Things have never been great between the two of us. I had never been in a real relationship before despite being 32 when I met my wife. While I've always been fairly successful in professional relationships, due in part to my patience, kindness, and strong work ethic, I've never been that good at connecting with people at an emotional level. My friendships have been limited. Plus, I'm a bit of a nerd and struggle to enjoy activities outside of intellectual pursuits despite my best efforts. So I was fairly green getting into a relationship with my wife, who tends to be confrontational when people close to her don't agree. She also has "umbilical cord never cut" relationship with her mother that always put met in second place. Again, I thought she'd toughen me up some and that I could learn from her in how to build better relationships. Most of that hasn't worked because my wife never seemed to need anything emotionally from me due to the relationship with her mother and those with her female friends. Things were manageable for first few years as she did show some interest in me and seemed to want to be with me even if there wasn't much enthusiasm on her part. Once again, I didn't have much to compare it to and while I knew intellectually that things needed to be better, I also knew that people need time to get used to each other. Plus, I truly felt God was bringing us together.

After our son was conceived, things went downhill quickly after the initial excitement wore off. My little quirks, such as my somewhat substandard hygiene and lack of appreciation for aesthetics led to more and more blow ups on her part. While I tend to be patient and kind (which her Mom told me was one of my initial attractions to her), she tends to get angry quickly and likes to get her way privately even if she exhibits the best of manners in public or with mere acquaintences. By my nature, my mind can wander off, so I'm not always the most detailed oriented person, particularly with things around the house. I either don't appreciate or can't always comprehend what needs to be done. In fact, I thinks my wife is more troubled that I'm not a carbon copy of her rather than the fact that I forget sometimes to empty the waste baskets on trash days. It's just one more reminder for her.

So I should probably add that just before our son was conceived, we exchanged e-mails where she asked if we were going to make it. I said that if she could accept me for who I am right now and accept that I may never change in the way she wanted, that we'd be fine. She responded that she wanted to be with me. And just before the conception, I asked again, and she responded the same way. Shortly after that, she became colder toward me. She indicated that we likely wouldn't have sex again. A few months later during one of her blow ups, she told me that the only reason she married me was because she didn't think anyone else would marry her despite the fact that she was only 28 when we were married. I felt as though it was a sham marriage from the beginning, only I wasn't in on the ruse. Since then, she's used other excuses to pull away further. I used to get a lot of colds, particularly when I travel for work, so after she had picked up a couple from me, she banished me to the guest room for a week after each trip. That quickly became permanent after my oily skin "ruined" some new sheets, and she wanted me to stay in the guest room until my skin improved. It's been over three years since that happened, and I'm still in the guest room.

She's also applied the same quarantine policy with our son where I can't touch him until a week after my trips, which are quite frequent. And that's partly my doing as I feel the need to get away and since it's clear my wife doesn't like have me around and takes every opportunity to go to the store or somewhere else with our son when I'm there, so I figured my being gone on a business trip that doesn't cost us anything is doing her a favor. Of course, that hasn't helped. We keep growing further apart where we only have essential conversations. I'm trying to do my part by working hard, including a teaching job on the side, which means that she no longer has to work. While I'm not the best at reading her or anticipating her needs, I always strive to do what she asks and pretty much let her have her way. I understand that makes me a bit of a doormat, but I still struggle to figure out what I really want other that elusive happiness. I had figured that if I just tried to make other happy that I'd eventually arrive at what would make me happy. So far that hasn't worked so well.

So now I'm forever struggling with what to do. My wife said a few years back that the only reason she doesn't divorce me is financial and her concern that I would be given even partial custody of our son. She has so little respect or trust in me that she never leaves me alone with him even though her justification (based on my occasional absent-mindedness) is thin. I think it has more to do with the fact that she sees no upside and the fact that her mother thinks even less of me, and so admitting to her mother that I was alone with him is probably not something my wife wants to do. Despite the above reasons, I also believe my wife doesn't want to be the one who blinks because her father, in particular, would not approve and would not agree to bail her out and move in with her in that situation. Her mother probably prefers we break it off, but probably knows her husband wouldn't go along absent something instigated by me like me leaving or being abusive in some way.

So that's my challenge. My life has been driven largely by guilt and obligation, so divorce seems an unbearable thought. Even marriage counseling, which my wife would likely not participate in given the fact that the fault lies with me in her eyes, wouldn't likely work as I'd be spending money with my wife expecting me to improve. And while I could do better, that doesn't change the emotional dynamic that requires her to actually want a relationship. I got married because I wanted a soul mate, not a roommate.

While I know I've gone on way too long and probably am being too dramatic, I am honestly looking for answers that my family and friends over the years haven't been able to provide. I don't want to be in a situation where time spent with my son needs to be carefully choreographed through the courts and the local police or alternatively that I don't get to see him at all. Alternatively, I'd really like to connect emotionally with my wife, but I don't know how I can make that happen.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

It kind of sounds like you guys tried to make things work for your son. It doesnt sound like there was ever an emotional attachment for either of you. 

but if you are looking for an emotional attachment, there are a few ways to get it. you said you have a lot of patience, but patience doesnt necessarily connect you to someone. patience can actually be a big disconnect because you dont engage enough to get upset. Getting upset means you are connected. expressing that anger can connect you to a person. have you ever expressed your anger to her? without logically laying it out? your wife explodes because she feels connected to you; only that connection is unpleasant for her. 

and also just struggling through these problems together can bring you some connection. have you two thought about going to counseling? 

also, how often do you share the things you like with her?


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## kindguy (Mar 20, 2010)

Yup, good points. Probably goes along with my lack of experience and the fear that getting upset would end. Whenever I did get upset, she could take it and would issue ultimatums. I never new how far to push for fear that she'd end it, and wasn't worth ending it over (fill in the blank), but obviously it adds up. I had always wanted an emotional attachment, but I guess I wasn't sure how to get it as I'd never really had it before. But you're probably right that the emotional attachment wasn't there on her end even though she may have wanted it in theory, but it was never much of a priority. Early on before we were married she always resisted any suggestions of any relationship books that helped to gauge compatibility as if it would show we wouldn't be right for each other. I would love to do counseling, but my wife stated several years back that essentially I was the problem, so they'd be no reason for to go and the objective would be for me to be better at all the mundane tasks around the house. While a useful skill, it's hardly getting at the heart of the issue, which I fear she really feels isn't worth doing for. She's got our son, her parents, her friends, and my sense of obligation. To her, it seems a loving relationship with a man has never been that important, at least after she got what she needed from me. Thanks your comments helped.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Lurking in the mens forum and came across your post. My heart aches for you. From what you've said it sounds to me like she does not love, respect or value you. My advice would be to get a good attorney. You have nothing to compare to, but I promise that a healthy, loving relationship is not what you have. Do not stay just for your son, because as a parent (I have 2) you have to realize that you set the example, and do you want your son to think that a woman devaluing him all the time is normal? Every average human being is capable of some form of emotional connection, so don't sell yourself short. It's what you want and deserve. You will never be able to have that with a person who treats you this way. Take your dignity back and get out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can take steps to stop being a doormat, and that may lead to her learning to respect you. If she doesn't respect you, she can't love you.

Take some time to learn what YOU believe. What YOU want. How YOU want to be...in life...in general. Not as her spouse, but as YOU.

Create a guideline for yourself on how this new YOU would react to things - you may want to call it radical honesty. Move forward in all situations using this new radical honesty. Do NOT cave just to keep peace. Do NOT do for her just so she'll shut up. DO expect - and request - that she do things that are important to you. 

Start building up a life for yourself, that you can live with. Along the way, you can determine if she can be part of it. Whether she can or not, you will be at peace for knowing your true self.


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