# How do I regain some respect back from my wife



## WillS (Sep 1, 2011)

I've searched around on the site for a few days now and I'm getting some good information here. I was over in the infidelity section and have also discovered this section and really appreciate the insights on both.

Long story short, I'm in a sort of recovery mode after my wife had an emotional affair a while back, possibly a physical one but I don't think so. Around that time she became fairly contemptuous of me and was willing to say so. She has a new job and no longer sees that man. Other issues include part time employment for me since I got out of school and have been unable to find a full time job. They are still laying off experienced workers in my field, so little chance for us newbies for now. 

I figured we were doing well over time things got better. But my issues remain that she still occasionally says insulting or contemptuous things to me. She sometimes ignores me. We'd been best friends for so long and I feel like that is slipping away. 

I've told her that I don't feel like we have what we used to. She's made her disappointment in me plain, though she tries to be nice any more and really does work at it. I feel like I'm running into that wall of her wanting to be a good wife, but her instincts are telling her I'm somehow not worth her respect. I can see her struggle with it. We had another fight last night and she was apologetic but it's just standard now.

So I've read some of what is on here in terms of getting respect from one's wife. I don't want to divorce her and I don't want to play around picking up women. I'm a loyal family-oriented person who really finds himself in a place where circumstances have really shot me down. Any recommendations on how to begin to win back her respect? I've tried some different sites on how to "man up" and so on, but I'm dealing with a bit of a Gordian knot here (excuse the reference, I'm a history buff) and it seems like when I make progress in one area, I lose it in another. 

For instance, when I make a gain in the financial area by focusing on work, she rebels and becomes upset with me in all kinds of ways (this is the context the emotional affair occurred in). When I go the other route and focus on her, she shows her contempt for my efforts and says I need to focus on my work and finances. Catch-22 I guess. 

Any advice folks? I could really use some pointers, ideas, insights if anyone has a few spare moments. Thank you.


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

Go here:

Married Man Sex Life

Read the blog thoroughly.

Buy Athol Kay's book (it's on the site). Read it thoroughly.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

WillS said:


> Any advice folks? I could really use some pointers, ideas, insights if anyone has a few spare moments. Thank you.


Focus on what YOU need to focus on. 

Keep trying to focus on what SHE thinks is important, and she will have you chasing your tail ... as she already has.

I say this many times and in many ways ...

for as long as you make your woman and her satisfaction with you, the primary focus of your 'manning up' efforts ... you will fail.

That's just the way it works. I am not suggesting turn your back on her, be cruel to her, or act like a douche bag.

Do what YOU need to do for YOUR life, and invite her along if she's interested. And if she isn't? Be courageous enough to let her go.

I have seen it time and again, at the point a guy truly stops worrying about whether or not he is going to lose his partner, is the moment that growth takes off, and you will know, without a doubt, whether you have a partner that is attracted to you and wants to work with you, or if you need to move on.

Make it about her ... and you simply cannot win. You will stay twisted in your Gordian Knot, and she will eventually move onto to someone else ... who isn't.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

WillS said:


> I've searched around on the site for a few days now and I'm getting some good information here. I was over in the infidelity section and have also discovered this section and really appreciate the insights on both.
> 
> Long story short, I'm in a sort of recovery mode after my wife had an emotional affair a while back, possibly a physical one but I don't think so. Around that time she became fairly contemptuous of me and was willing to say so. She has a new job and no longer sees that man. Other issues include part time employment for me since I got out of school and have been unable to find a full time job. They are still laying off experienced workers in my field, so little chance for us newbies for now.
> 
> ...


Smack her bum. Playfully.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

A couple of things come to mind here;
1. She had an affair, not you. She needs to be kissing your butt for taking her back. You need to tell her this. She was unfaithful.
2. If the reason that she was unfaithful is because she has no respect for you, then she will do it again.
3. I know that the job market and economy suck right now, but YOU NEED TO HAVE A FULL TIME JOB! Look outside of your field if needed, but get work and get it soon.
4. Quit kissing her butt and do what you need to do for you, not for her. Ignore her "disappointment" and let her know that she hasn't exactly been a day at the beach, either.
Grow a pair and let her know that you are a man and not a doormat.


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## WillS (Sep 1, 2011)

Thanks to everyone who replied. I think maybe I really do need to just concentrate on doing what I need to do, advancing in my work and being a good man overall, rather than worrying about what she thinks of my every move. I think that part of what bothers me is that she had the other guy, but I'm the one working to make things up to her and make her happy. People are right when they say this is backwards. I think that's a good place to start for sure, though I'm not sure of exactly what I should do in a given situation. She's got me twisted in knots at times, and it seems like there's always some guy waiting around to make a move if I screw up, sometimes more than one. I know I need to be willing to walk away.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

WillS said:


> Thanks to everyone who replied. I think maybe I really do need to just concentrate on doing what I need to do, advancing in my work and being a good man overall, rather than worrying about what she thinks of my every move. I think that part of what bothers me is that she had the other guy, but I'm the one working to make things up to her and make her happy. People are right when they say this is backwards. I think that's a good place to start for sure, though I'm not sure of exactly what I should do in a given situation. She's got me twisted in knots at times, and it seems like there's always some guy waiting around to make a move if I screw up, sometimes more than one. I know I need to be willing to walk away.


Right. Work on YOU.
FACT: Just about any woman can get laid anywhere, anytime that she wants. Men are (for the most part) pigs. I know, I am one, too(not a pig - a man).

It has also been my observation from these forums and experience that people affair "down". If they are having problems at home, they will seek out affection elsewhere and if rejected, may come to the conclusion that their mate is not the problem, but that the problem lies withing his or herself.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

WillS said:


> Thanks to everyone who replied. I think maybe I really do need to just concentrate on doing what I need to do, advancing in my work and being a good man overall, rather than worrying about what she thinks of my every move. I think that part of what bothers me is that she had the other guy, but I'm the one working to make things up to her and make her happy. People are right when they say this is backwards. I think that's a good place to start for sure, though I'm not sure of exactly what I should do in a given situation. She's got me twisted in knots at times, and it seems like there's always some guy waiting around to make a move if I screw up, sometimes more than one. I know I need to be willing to walk away.


Here's your problem, sir. You are scared, you feel that you need her, and she feels that too - and gives you a run for your money.

If you would be happy with yourself, confident, if you will believe that you will have no problem whatsoever finding a new wife if needed be, she will feel that too.

But the most important thing is to believe in yourself. If you define yourself by your wife, you are in deep trouble. If you are worried about "what she would say today", it means you have no backbone.

Women hates men with no backbones. You know why? Because they are looking for a leader. They like to be led, to be taken care of. When you don't show that leadership, you failed.


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