# Guys what would your reaction be



## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

I started a thread about this in another topic but I don't think any men responded. 
So if you have an otherwise great marriage and your wife tells you that your driving scares her to the point where she refuses to ride with you until you change, what would your reaction be? 
How do I word this so it doesn't hit him right fat in the center of his maleness? It just seems like driving is a source of pride for him, and I don't know how to come at this without sounding like a b%tch or setting him off. 
I guess I just want to know how to keep it at a rational level without accidentally hitting an emotional minefield. If possible.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

I'm very sorry to hear this. I suggest counseling for yourself, and for him. The counselor can also get help to evaluate if his driving is safe or not.

If his driving is safe, then you need help with calming yourself down. If he is driving like a maniac, then you're going to have to "man up" and drive and not allow him to drive.

This is complicated. 

I do all the driving in almost all situations. I'm an excellent driver and very defensive and alert. So everyone feels safe driving with me. I hope your husband is a safe driver, or you take over if that's not the case, not just for your sake, but also him and other innocent people.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Need more detail.

You have anxiety about driving in general, or you have anxiety about his driving?

Is there anything in his driving history to indicate that he operates unsafely? Accidents, speeding violations?

I have a friend who is a very conscientious driver and honest to God, has been in half a dozen accidents. I have another friend that drives very aggressively, not so much as a door ding in his history.

If you bring it up, I would suggest that you do so from the perspective of YOUR feelings ... and not framing the source of your feelings as his driving ... unless he is truly being reckless.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

When he drives, he is constantly slamming on the brakes because he goes too fast. He tries to go around people when there is no reason to, he cuts people off and acts like everyone else is a bad driver. He doesn't get in accidents but I can't take almost getting in accidents three times in a 20 minute period. 
I talked to him and he said that he understands and is going to try to calm down. He said he feels like we are always late. I said it doesn't matter, I'd rather be one minute late than have a near heart attack on the way or die. He seems to get it. We are about to go somewhere so we will see.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Oldfaithful said:


> When he drives, he is constantly slamming on the brakes because he goes too fast. He tries to go around people when there is no reason to, he cuts people off and acts like everyone else is a bad driver. He doesn't get in accidents but I can't take almost getting in accidents three times in a 20 minute period.
> I talked to him and he said that he understands and is going to try to calm down. He said he feels like we are always late. I said it doesn't matter, I'd rather be one minute late than have a near heart attack on the way or die. He seems to get it. We are about to go somewhere so we will see.


He is an accident waiting to happen. You need to get it across to him that he is scaring the hell out of you, even if it hurts his feelings. His feelings aren't as important as your safety.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Dont fight about it. Just don't get in the car with him driving. Take your own car. Take the kids in your car. Don't disagree about going anywhere, say you'll go but when you leave just put the kids and yourself in your car and drive away with a "see ya there sweatheart"! 
Yes he will be mad but it will deliver the message won't it. If he has a tantrum, ignore it. Ignore until he says he's going to change. No nagging. Keep it a closed subject until he starts to say he will change. Treat him like a child if he acts like one.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He's had no accidents? How about violations? How long has he been driving? If he's been driving every day for 20 years without a ticket or a crash, maybe he's not an unsafe driver but his driving style might be different from your's.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Oldfaithful said:


> When he drives, he is constantly slamming on the brakes because he goes too fast. He tries to go around people when there is no reason to, he cuts people off and acts like everyone else is a bad driver.


I used to catch a lift to and from work with someone who used to drive like that. It was very stressful with lots of braking gears shift up &downs. Basically the drover had a very aggressive driving style. I felt we were in a race and the time spent in that vehicle was unpleasant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I really wouldn't be offended at all. There are much bigger fish to fry so by all means tell him how you feel. If he drives that bad take the wheel yourself when you two go out. How is his driving record?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

My ex husband made me and the girls afraid.

And his response was to tell us we were wrong, he wasn't driving too fast, swerving, falling asleep, tail gaiting, etc.

Not the only reason he is an ex but it certainly built part of the case for it.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

my brother is a driver like you describe.
I helped him move to texas one year and told him I am not going to drive 1500miles all white knuckled the whole way down and that he needs to stop tailgating and driving like an a$$hole if he wants me to come along.

I wasn't rude about it just candid and firm. he adjusted and we had a nice trip.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

My wife used to drive that way. Her dad has always driven that way. They are people that are chronically in a hurry, for no good reason other than to get something over and done with. Luckily, they have the reflexes to match, for the most part.

It is just impossible to ride with a driver like that and not end up a nervous wreck. When she was in this stage, I would never ride with her, luckily the old "the man should drive" thing, coupled with her lack of navigating skills meant I rarely had to. The only thing that changed her was the birth of our child. I approached her seriously and said that I would be afraid for a child to ride with her, and asked if she wanted our child to be exposed to that. She conformed, and is a much better and slower driver now.

So, that is my recommendation. Just a serious discussion that this scares and upsets you on many levels. Safety, teaching others its OK to drive this way, road rage; but mostly you don't want to have to live in fear. Why do this to someone you love?


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Oldfaithful said:


> When he drives, he is constantly slamming on the brakes because he goes too fast. He tries to go around people when there is no reason to, he cuts people off and acts like everyone else is a bad driver. He doesn't get in accidents but I can't take almost getting in accidents three times in a 20 minute period.
> I talked to him and he said that he understands and is going to try to calm down. *He said he feels like we are always late*. I said it doesn't matter, I'd rather be one minute late than have a near heart attack on the way or die. He seems to get it. We are about to go somewhere so we will see.


Maybe you can work with him before getting into the car so he'll be more reasonable. Would it be possible to leave 15 minutes earlier than usual so he doesn't feel like he's going to be late?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

In my case, you could just ask me, and perhaps occasionally remind me and I'd make an effort to make you more comfortable when driving.

My wife had been in a number of accidents before we met, so cautious driving is very important to her peace of mind and stress level. I've always been a careful driver and have good situational awareness, but I'm not timid (confident may be the word) - nor am I aggressive. She's pretty comfortable with my driving, and if she does have any concerns or sees something I may have missed, she just puts her hand on my leg and I will adjust what I'm doing for her sake. Maybe a signal like that could work for you.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Gift him a Dash cam. Record. Let him watch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Ten years ago I went on a police-run driver safety course. The guy running it said that people would sooner admit to being bad in bed then being a bad driver.

I am a nervous passenger sometimes, but I don't drive fast or aggressively so I've never had any complaints from my passengers.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I drive aggressively in my sports car, and sometimes in our station wagon. I drive completely different in my old pickup truck. 

W has told me to slow down upon occasion. I drive more aggressively than she does, and I also have a good driving record. But for her peace of mind, I drive differently when she's with me than when she's not. 

Seems a logical, loving way to respond to your spouse if your driving makes him or her nervous.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

He has slowed down and mellowed out a lot. Thanks everyone for your input!


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