# Anxiety + Depression + Possible BPD vs ADHD



## Sunnshine (10 mo ago)

I’m looking for some healthy ways to communicate in my relationship and find ways for us to solve problems. My husband has ADHD and wasn’t raised in a living home with ANY communication. I have Anxiety, separation anxiety, depression and was supposed to have testing done for BPD. I was raised with an OVERLY communicative mom. So when things go awry we butt heads and daily to communicate. What can we do to understand each other’s mental health needs more properly??


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Sunnshine said:


> I’m looking for some healthy ways to communicate in my relationship and find ways for us to solve problems. My husband has ADHD and wasn’t raised in a living home with ANY communication. I have Anxiety, separation anxiety, depression and was supposed to have testing done for BPD. I was raised with an OVERLY communicative mom. So when things go awry we butt heads and daily to communicate. What can we do to understand each other’s mental health needs more properly??


Much of the ADHD issues can be helped by keeping a list of things to do. As long as you keep moving through the list, it shouldn't be too much a hassle.


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## Sunnshine (10 mo ago)

I do have many lists and he often chooses to ignore them


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Sunnshine said:


> I do have many lists and he often chooses to ignore them


That wouldn't be ADHD. That would be him. 
Sometimes, people with ADHD have difficulty with the idea of consequences, until they suffer from them.
Unless the consequence will fall on you as well, don't save him from consequences.
As a person with ADHD, I can tell you that those consequences are good learning tools


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## Sunnshine (10 mo ago)

What would you consider a consequence?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

jonty30 said:


> Much of the ADHD issues can be helped by keeping a list of things to do. As long as you keep moving through the list, it shouldn't be too much a hassle.


Has he taken a Jasper Goldberg test? I have posted the link below if you are interested.
i suffer from this. Not as bad anymore as I treated mine naturally via a dietary change, much exercise, and working with a naprapathic physician.



https://www.gulfbend.org/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=974&cn=3











ADHD diet: Best foods, foods to avoid, and meal plans


Certain foods may help with the symptoms of ADHD, while others could worsen the condition. In this article, we look at which foods to choose and the research behind specific ADHD diets.




www.medicalnewstoday.com


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Sunnshine said:


> What would you consider a consequence?


If he doesn't have clean clothes, for example, because he let them be. That's his problem. 
Maybe he will learn that he should do a load before he goes to bed.

All you can do is help him when he understands that he needs a plan. 
You can't make him realize that he needs a plan on how to do things and make the time.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Has he taken a Jasper Goldberg test? I have posted the link below if you are interested.
> i suffer from this. Not as bad anymore as I treated mine naturally via a dietary change, much exercise, and working with a naprapathic physician.
> 
> 
> ...


Scientists think that a person with ADHD has the hunter genes of a tribe. 
That's why they think it hasn't worked itself genetically out of the population, but persists today.

I have worked out for myself that I'm most motivated when I tackle the most difficult tasks before me and when I am just getting home from work. It is then that I most capable of doing what needs to be done.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

some ideas: yes COMMUNICATING with words can be tough. People in routine marriages often have issues communicating well, but you have extenuating issues that makes it even harder.

have you guys tried non-verbal communicating...as in doing stuff together? One example would be the two of you working out in a gym together....not a lot of words to exchange, but you are doing something strenuous together and can bond together because of that.

Or some sport you can share, such as mountain biking out in the woods? I know some Aspies that really get into that sport. Once again, there is not a lot of words spoken, but you communicate throught your sweat equity.

If you set up things to do that you both enjoy, you will find fifty years from now that you are still doing those things, and it is part of the glue that keeps the marriage together.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Sunnshine said:


> I have Anxiety, separation anxiety, depression and was supposed to have testing done for BPD. I was raised with an OVERLY communicative mom.


I don't know if this applies to you, but it may be helpful to keep your remarks as short as possible before leaving space for his reply. People from an overly communicative family background can sometimes run on and on talking for several minutes before allowing an answer, and of course then their partner has no idea what they said.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

jonty30 said:


> Sometimes, people with ADHD have difficulty with the idea of consequences, until they suffer from them.
> Unless the consequence will fall on you as well, don't save him from consequences.


As someone with ADHD, who largely solved this, I respectfully disagree. Solutions. 

1. Nice teaching. Suggestions needs to be sandwiched, compliment, compliment, suggestion, compliment, and love. 

2. Correction When mistakes are made try to identify how he procedure can be improved. For example, I used to lose things. If I'm on a plane, I do not leave when the plane lands like everyone else. Instead, I check the seat, check the bin, think what I hve, check again, and leave around last and my wife can go ahead of me. Same with a hotel room to prevent loss.

3. Calendar Here too, let him develop systems of calendaring dates and deadlines.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Bobby5000 said:


> As someone with ADHD, who largely solved this, I respectfully disagree. Solutions.
> 
> 1. Nice teaching. Suggestions needs to be sandwiched, compliment, compliment, suggestion, compliment, and love.
> 
> ...


I am not sure what you are disagreeing with. Of course there are solutions, but people with ADHD often don't apply those solutions until they suffer consequences from not having applied solutions.

A couple of tricks I learned.
1. Keeping a list helps me keep in motion. As long as I remain in motion, I can keep going. What I don't finish today, I make a list for tomorrow. 
2. Do the hardest things first. As tasks get easier, it creates its motivation to do things.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

You guys each have your own mental health issues so I don’t think telling him how things should go should be the way about it. 

You guys need couples therapy to help navigate a complicated relationship. 

You guys need to work as a team and both want this marriage to work and both want to understand the partner. Therapy would be perfect to help navigate that.


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