# Married just over a year with a baby.....



## countrychick5 (Dec 23, 2013)

So I recently seperated from my husband. I left a month and a half ago, we have been married about a year and a half.

There were tremendous amounts of abuse and it finally turned phsyical. I also found evidence of the start of infidelity. We have a 9 month old baby.

I know that its better that I left. I am smart enough to know that. I am so much happier, like a weight has lifted. 

He was a terrible father, spending little or no time at the house with our child, he was very unsupportive, accusing, and found no fault within himself. 

I had tried over and over and over again to talk things out and come to a solution, but it seemed the fault always lay with me.

After I left his mother brought him to the mental health clinic crisis center. They kept him for 4 days. He is now on medication for being depressed, suicidal, sleeping pills, and probably anxiety, etc. I dont know for sure.

I have a few questions regarding my whole mess.

How do i best handle the situation with his mental status? Right now there is a no-contact order. He continiously tries to get other people to talk to me. He goes from angry to agreeable and everywhere in between.

A question is about my son, I agreed to ample visitation, every other weekend and two afternoons a week. It is supervised visits, at his parents house. I often get my son back early, and it seems he is more of an inconvience than anything. How can I encourage a better realtionship?

I grew up with an abusive father, both of my sisters have also endured abusive realtionships. I have no contact with my parents and they have no interest in my life either. How can I find HEALTHY relationships in the future? My husband started out great, but am I drawing this kind of attention unknowingly? Am I putting up with too much? Should I be firm and assertive from the get go? Some people have said they put their SO "in thier place" the first time undesirable behavior started. Is this normal? I expressed my concern from the beginning with my husband, when things started going badly, but attributed it to me being newly pregnant and married and him being stressed form that.

And a final question, we purchased a home together right before we were married, that is our main asset together, how do you go about splitting up belongings and whatnot? What is fair? 

I dont live in the home anymore, I am staying with relatives until I can fully get back on my feet.

I am trying to deal with this as maturely as possible. There are some negative feelings toward him on my part, but I do not want this to affect my son so I am handling it very carefully.


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## countrychick5 (Dec 23, 2013)

So other info: We are both 25, married for over a year, dated for over 3. Planned to get married, found out weeks before the wedding i was pregnant. Bout a house shortly after that. The marriage was great for a month maybe, then went quickly downhill. I was hoping things would change, and was repeated told my many people "Dont make big desicions when you're pregnant"..... Now here I am.


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## Honorbound (Nov 19, 2013)

I am sorry you are here, Countrychick.

I don't know of any way you can encourage a better relationship between your STBXH and your son. Just teach your son as best you can... if/when your STBXH ever decides to be a real father is up to him. You are right in trying to not let your negative feelings towards your STBXH to affect your son. Don't put him down, or trash talk him in front of your son no matter how justified. He will figure out who is father really is on his own.

There are tons of stories on here about how to find a healthy relationship... but the gist of it is this: SO's will only treat you as badly as you _allow them to_. In other words, you should have enforced repercussions for his behavior whenever he crossed that boundary.... by not doing so immediately, you were _enabling_ his bad behavior. The same system applies to raising your son, does it not? You set boundaries, you tell him what/where they are, and you _don't move them_. There should always be repercussions for bad behavior.

I know there are others on here that can give you better insight as to WHY you chose such a man to begin with. I'm guessing this isn't the first 'bad' relationship you have been in? They can help you with that. I imagine it does indeed go back to your models for relationships when you were younger. The good news is - you can break that habit. It will involve work and being honest with yourself. 

Nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

As for the house, there are a few attorneys on here, but I think he owes you for half the value of the equity in the house (if any) if he is planning on keeping it.

Once again, I know this is tough.... everyone here does. Sorry you are here...


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## countrychick5 (Dec 23, 2013)

How do you try to enforce boundries with verbal abuse, mental abuse, etc? 

I refuse to call names because I know how badly it hurts, even after the fact. After a few pretty voliate arguments, I tried to have a sit down conversation explaining why I dont like name calling and why it is unacceptable.

The next argument turned into him taking my phone and getting pyshical because I threatened to call his parents or the police if he didnt leave to calm down.

There is a BABY involved, he had ought to know better than to throw things, smash things and destroy the house.

I see now that maybe he wasnt/isnt ready for the responsibilties of real life. I had gave it my all and tried everything I could to change the way he wanted me to, while he did nothing that i asked. I know alot of people think the other person should just "know" what to do, but we had talked and I stated EXACTLY what i wanted and needed from him, to no avail.

His mother is an enabler, and unfortunately, now that he's on medication, i feel that his "mental status" will be used as just another excuse.

The main reason I left was becuase of my son. It would kill me if he ever treated my son the way he treated me.
I discovered strong email evidence of craigslist ads he was posting and responding to, but nothing concrete, My "ah hah" moment was me realizing that as much as I wanted to confront him about it, I was geniunely afraid of what would happen. He had gotten phsyically abusive over an argument over trivial thing, who knows what might have happened if it was over something serious. 

It was then that I knew that I needed to get away, that I had no idea who I was living with or what he was capable of.

I see now that I made so many excuses for this man.


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