# Mind my own business or expose?



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Brief background that's pertinent to the question:

Wife and I are successfully reconciling after her EA's and PA. She's addressing her behavior as if I were a sex/love addiction, and that has allowed her to make great progress. There's full transparency on all mail, FB, etc accounts.

She has several female friends she's known since high school who have formed a private FB group. She told me about the group and, since I have access to her FB account, asked that I not read that group in great depth, as it's designed for the participants to vent about life, stress, husbands, etc. my wife doesn't participate in the group frequently, and nothing out of line when she does. I know that at least one of the women in the group is aware that I have access to my wife's account. In general, a few of the women have a common thread of being unhappy in their marriages, and possibly wanting out. Kind of saddens me, both their status and that they'd feel the need to invite my wife to join their group.

One of the women has made no secret to the group that she has three "friends" (or two now...one of them has been kicked to the curb). From the specifics of her posts, I'm unsure whether or not these have gone from EA to PA. Even though I've never met this woman or her husband, the more I think about it, the more it bugs me. I can't say that it really has me triggering, but it just irks me. Maybe he's a horrible husband, but, come on....

So, to my question...as this knowledge has been rumbling around in my mind, I've started considering trying to find her husband's contact information and let him know what I know, and make his own decision from there. But, especially since I've never met either of them, is it really my place to do so?

Looking for some thoughts on the matter. What would you find folks do in a situation like this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

From your post, I am not really certain what you actually know> Definitely don't get involved when you really don't know anything. Not certain why your wife would be participating in what sounds like a toxic group. I think I might try and change that......


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Tough situation. The main thing obviously, is that she needs to leave this *toxic group* of facebook friends. As for exposure, you need to have definitive proof to show the BH, so unless you have this proof, don't do it. Because there's proof, it's all deniable at this point and she can excuse it to her BH that its just venting and making up stories to have fun.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I vote stay out of it. It will likely cause your wife some grief, you don't know the people, and what's the first thing everyone says about stuff you read on the internet?? Don't believe it - right?? 

Having said that - I'm not sure I'd want my wife being a member of that group.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

don't bother with exposure, tell wife to leave group


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I agree with the guys who have posted so far. I know my husband would want me to get away from such toxic friends... it is too much of a temptation to be so closely involved with someone who is, or may be, cheating...especially when she has already had EAs and a PA... too easy to get sucked back in when you have the same toxic friends around.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Count me in with the peanut gallery. Do not expose. Not enough information. And certainly request that your spouse remove herself from this group. I wouldn't demand that she do this (yet). I would put it to her conscious to see how she responds on her own first.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Not your business, stay out of it.

And I don't necessarily agree that a group of women venting is a "toxic" group, even if one or more members are engaging in behaviors of which you do not approve. I would not respond well at all to H telling me what FB groups I could be in -- that's controlling.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Not your business, stay out of it.
> 
> And I don't necessarily agree that a group of women venting is a "toxic" group, even if one or more members are engaging in behaviors of which you do not approve. I would not respond well at all to H telling me what FB groups I could be in -- that's controlling.


Sorry, thats the typical cheater card. It's called protecting your marriage. Thats like a former crack addict hanging around current crack addicts. Its much more easy to fall off the wagon in that atmosphere.

I'm tired of people playing the controlling card. Are you a cheater?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, LordMayhem, I'm fairly tired of you attacking me personally because we disagree on certain things.

So I guess we are even. And no, I am not.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Sorry, thats the typical cheater card. It's called protecting your marriage. Thats like a former crack addict hanging around current crack addicts. Its much more easy to fall off the wagon in that atmosphere.
> 
> I'm tired of people playing the controlling card.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This, not at the poster, but this in general. Too many people always being willing to accept staying social with cheaters and looking the other way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would suggest this. I think you and your wife's Fb should be an open book. Period. I would ask your wife to inform her GF's that you have open access to her FB that you two share your accounts and nothing is secret. Leave it at that. Her friends can remove her from the private group or keep her with the knowledge that you might peek in from time to time. They can always remain friends in FB and keep in contact without a private group. (Just my point of view).


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Grayson said:


> Looking for some thoughts on the matter. What would you find folks do in a situation like this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would have my wife disengage from that toxic group of women and forget about it.

MYOB


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Only you can decide if this group is a good thing for your wife or not. I hope if you think it isn't that you will ask her to forgo it, for your marriage's sake.

As for exposing this woman, I don't think you should. If anything, maybe your wife and the rest of her group should tell this woman how inappropriate they think it is, and leave it at that. Maybe SHE should leave the group.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Not your business, stay out of it.
> 
> And I don't necessarily agree that a group of women venting is a "toxic" group, even if one or more members are engaging in behaviors of which you do not approve. I would not respond well at all to H telling me what FB groups I could be in -- that's controlling.


Would you feel the same after your husband has already busted you in the midst of an affair that was encouraged by toxic unhappily married shrews?
Would you feel the same if you knew their influence on you helped you demonize your husband to the point where you founnd it acceptable to commit infidelity?
Would you feel the same if your infidelity pretty much destroyed everything decent you had in your marriage and your husband was an emotional wreck in constant need of reassurance from you concerning your trustworthiness?

I understand your point lamaga but you apparently don`t have toxic friends nor are you unfaithful(to my knowledge) so to my mind from the OP`s position he has every right to be "controlling" if she wishes to remain married to him as she`s already proven beyond a shadow of a doubt she is unable to control herself.

I wouldn`t stick my nose in anyone else's business but my wife wouldn`t be a part of that FB group.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Would you feel the same after your husband has already busted you in the midst of an affair that was encouraged by toxic unhappily married shrews?
> Would you feel the same if you knew their influence on you helped you demonize your husband to the point where you founnd it acceptable to commit infidelity?
> Would you feel the same if your infidelity pretty much destroyed everything decent you had in your marriage and your husband was an emotional wreck in constant need of reassurance from you concerning your trustworthiness?
> 
> ...


Exactly. I was friends with such a woman. She and I would constantly talk about how bad our marriages were. She actually went out and slept with a guy, left her husband and three children. I believed what she said about her husband because she was my friend. And, believing her husband was this horrible man, I helped her see the OM. Yes, I know, very bad choice. But, it's done and over, and the husband has forgiven me for my part...especially since I have learned the truth. My point is that we both would vent to each other. And I got involved in an EA. I never got to the point that I began a PA. But she said that if I ever needed her help, in the same way I helped her, she'd do it. I wised up and dropped that friend before it ever got to that point. And I don't talk to her anymore. I learned an important lesson... people who are in perceived bad situations will feed off each other, exaggerating the situation, as my former friend and I both did. It was toxic. And not talking to her actually HELPED in rebuilding my marriage. Hanging around with people like that is too much of a temptation for someone who has cheated in any way. It encourages those feelings of resentment and it becomes more likely that it will happen again.


----------

