# Bro-in-law drama



## needsadvice (Dec 2, 2008)

If anyone who reads this can give me some advice it would be greatly appreciated!!!

First of all, I have known my husband for 6 years, we've been married for 4 years. I've had problems from day 1 with his family. His mother, 2 older sisters, and younger brother. The current issue is with his brother. 
Here's a little history.....His brother is a year older than I am (he's 28) and 2 years younger than my husband. 
I haven't spent much time with him in the past....I avoided him because he apparently hated me from the beginning for reasons I honestly don't know. I had heard because my husband didn't go out drinking with him as much once he met me. He told people before our wedding he was going to try to get my husband to cheat on me to break us up. He's just very immature and spoiled. He married a girl and moved far away. He lived off of her and when they got divorced he ended up moving to be with another girl across the country that he only knew for a month. He lived with her for 2 weeks until she kicked him out...I suspect because he wouldn't get a job? Well he ended up back with his parents and my husband offered to let him live with us to get back on his feet. 
He also has a history of gambling fraud, DUI's, etc. Of course these aren't his fault....well according to him. He claims the whole world is out to get him and he has it so rough. His parents pay ALL of his bills...did I mention he is 28?! 

Ok so anyways, he comes to live with us with his puppy. Nothing against dogs but I have been saying for years that I don't want a dog. Mainly because I don't want that responsibility. We have a cat and a 1 year old son and I do daycare. He moved in with us the day we moved into our very first house. It's a brand new house....like a month old when we moved in. I was against him having a dog here but my husband guilted me into agreeing to let his brother and dog stay here. Well since his brother has been here, he actually did get a job as a bartender. He also brought home a one night stand the 2nd week he was here. She passed out in our NEW bathroom and made a mess. I had to clean it up at 2 in the morning while they were supposedly going to leave. Long story short, they stayed the night, it was a huge fight because I wanted him out at that point but my husband didn't think it was as big of an issue as I did. Since then his brother asks us for money....which we don't have because we are just starting out in a new house with new expenses and I"m just getting daycare started. My husband of course lends him money and it takes weeks to get the money back after asking and asking for it back because we really needed it. I'm trying to do daycare and he's leaving his cig butts all over our NEW yard as well as not picking up dog poop! His dog is peeing all over our basement. The basement isn't finished but it smells so bad! The carpet leading down to the basement is also smelling horrible. I bought one of those black light kits and found 15 stains on the carpet. I cannot get the smell out and it's driving me crazy cause I'm a total neat freak and when you add on that it's a new house.....yeah I'm about to kill him! I'm so frustrated...he's using my kitchen towels to clean up messes in the basement....my husband defends him saying "Well at least he's cleaning it up now." The dog is also eating the insulation in our basement. It's looking like we will have to replace some insulation as well as carpet once they move out. I think this is just ridiculous! I could go on and on with things he is doing to drive me crazy. 

I just want to know what people think. Am I overreacting like my husband thinks I am? I have problems with depression and anxiety so I wonder if I am being a bit dramatic at times when I kind of get into one of my moods. I just cannot understand how my husband thinks it's ok that our brand new carpet is getting ruined. 

I know I don't make things any better cause I do get very angry and scream and cry and threaten to leave him. I know that isn't going to solve this. I just don't know what to do. My husband tells me flat out that he will never kick his brother or the dog out. I told him that I don't expect him to kick his brother out but maybe he should find someplace for his dog to stay until he gets his own place. My husband will not even consider this. He will do anything for his brother which upsets me because his brother has treated him horribly since I've known them. THey've had a very rocky relationship and are actually getting along the best they ever have. I know my husband just doesn't want to ruin what they have but I feel like we are being taken advantage of! I know his brother would never do this to any other family members...he knows that my husband is a pushover and he can get away with it. 

If anyone can give me their opinions on the situation that would be great!!!! Thanks!


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I do not think the problem lies with the brother-in-law (BIL). the problem is with your H. it doenst matter if your BIL was a total saint, if you didnt want him in the house, then it is very disrespectful of your H to say it doesnt matter and he's staying anyway. 

Ya, the screaming and yelling, threatening to leave doesnt work very well. ive tried that approach, too. usually just create more drama, and im tired for days afterwards. 

with my H i made it very clear that he'd have to chose between me and his family. his mom and brother dont like me. his mom invited herself to our place, and he consented without even consulting me. so i bought a plane ticket out and told him to chose who he wanted. 

your H needs to be more respectful of your needs in this situation. I wouldnt bring BIL's behavior into this. its about what you want and need. so focus on that. when my sister and her boyfriend came to live with my H and i, i let my H know upfront that his needs were my priority. even though he said they could stay as long as they wanted, i had to kick my sister out. It wasnt right allowing her to live off him when he works so hard.


----------



## needsadvice (Dec 2, 2008)

I totally agree with what you said about how the problem is my H, not so much his brother. That makes sense now that I really think about it. The thing is though.....when we've argued I have told my husband that even if his brother was fine and not causing issues........that doesn't matter! I've told him that just the fact that I am unhappy with our living situation should be enough for him to kick his brother out. I told him that I live here too, I bring in money and I deserve to be happy and comfortable in my own home. It does no good though. He just says "I'm not kicking my brother out. He has nowhere to go." Then he won't talk to me. I'm going to try to talk to him again though when I'm not already mad and maybe that will help. Usually I'm already screaming and crying by the time I get to that part! 
Thanks for your help!


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I totally agree that approaching him when you are calm will likely have a better result. It sounds as though now that the BIL is there, your husband feels responsible for his well-being and putting that before your wishes. You may not get far with a 'kick him out' ultimatum, but if you are talking calmly and have a reasonable plan, he may respond more positively. For example, maybe suggest charging him rent to stay with you...just so that BIL is showing he's making some attempt to stand on his own 2 feet and not blowing his entire paycheck...and what I would do is agree (with your husband--would not let the BIL know this) to put his rent into a separate account so that it builds up enough for a security deposit on an apartment or to rent a room somewhere. Any sort of compromise where you see a light at the end of the tunnel and your husband doesn't feel he is turning his back on his brother might be the best solution in the end.


----------



## needsadvice (Dec 2, 2008)

swedish..........We actually have tried the rent thing but his brother says he'll pay us and then never does. Then I got chewed out by my mil and sil. They told me I should be helping him out, not taking his money. But I think it's a great idea on how you said to talk calmly to my husband and even do the savings thing for a security deposit! That would be great because it's giving my bil some sort of responsibility but yet it's not "taking his money." Thanks so much! I will try this!


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I would approach your H on behalf of his brother. It would not have been healthy for my sister to continue living with me. In order to feel good about herself she needs to know she can make it on her own in this world. but i didnt just tell her to get out. i told her its not healthy for her to live this way, that she needs to pursue her dreams, and im just giving her incentive to get going. Ask your H what he wants for his brother. would your H be happy living the way he's allowing his brother to live? ask him what this must be doing to his brothers self esteem, his future. what happens if something happens and you two cant take care of him anymore. really, you're handicapping him. but be careful, you will have to genuinely care about his brothers mental health, or your H will see right through you. 

I told my sister i would not buy her food. but i didnt just leave it at that. I went to the wellfare office with her so she could get food stamps. I only offered to pay for gas to interviews. 

I think your H just feels guilty. but i think both of you can find a place your BIL can go. before i kicked my sister out i let her know that my other sister would let her live there, and my mom would always take her in. it wasnt her ideal situation, but at least she wasnt destitute.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Don't let the mil get to you. If his parents didn't enable him in the first place by letting him shift blame for all of his self-destruction and let him move back hom when things went south knowing he's irresponsible he probably wouldn't be the way he is today. I would be tempted to wrap the puppy up and bring it to them for Christmas...but ok I am allergic to furry things so I don't have that dog-bond


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

sorry ljtseng...your dog is cute in your avitar...just don't bring him to my house


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

swedish said:


> sorry ljtseng...your dog is cute in your avitar...just don't bring him to my house


lol ya no joke. she sheds like none other.


----------



## needsadvice (Dec 2, 2008)

Haha! That would be hilarous if I brought the dog to my MIL....what's funny is that my MIL won't let her son and his dog live with her b/c of the dog peeing on her carpet. One of my SIL's won't let the dog live with her, yet I'm this HORRIBLE person for having a problem with the dog peeing all over my new house! I do love dogs too...I grew up with at least 2 dogs in our house at all times. I just hate taking on somebody else's responsiblity. Especially somebody that has no respect for me. Another issue is that the pup is about ready to go into heat. Well my BIL can't afford to get her fixed and I don't want blood all over my carpet so I'm in a tough spot. Do I give in and pay for it and that just encourages him that he can get everything from everyone else? Or do I let the dog go into heat and bleed all over?


----------



## needsadvice (Dec 2, 2008)

ljtseng.........your dog is adorable by the way


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

needsadvice said:


> Do I give in and pay for it and that just encourages him that he can get everything from everyone else? Or do I let the dog go into heat and bleed all over?


NO way, dont give in. that's disgusting. If it was me, I'd build that dog an outside shed. i'd let them know its that or i take it to the pound. i love dogs, but that's just disgusting. 

I try not to say "No." I always try to say "its this or that. your choice." it works better for whatever reason.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

needsadvice said:


> ljtseng.........your dog is adorable by the way


Thanks  she's my baby.


----------



## needsadvice (Dec 2, 2008)

I'm not going to give in. I'm glad somebody doesn't think I'm overreacting because I was beginning to wonder!


----------

