# Question for BS and WS with over 5 years in R



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*My question is for BS and WS that have over 5 years in R

What are your top (3) three reasons why your R has lasted over 5 years?*


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I am not over 5 years. A little over 3 years.

For me, Kids.
She still has concern for me.
I know from my heart that I want to grow old with her.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Maybe asking for 5 years in R is not so applicable to this forum.
I have heard it stated that very few 5+ years couples in R are on this forum


*Will lower it to 3 years*

Thank you AngryandUsed for your comments
I think that after a certain amount of time you come off such high emotions and you then have to see what carries the next R years of the daily grind.

*I think that it would be helpful for those that are in R for months to know what ground work to be laying now or in the near future*.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Not a BS or a WS but I know the top three reasons

1. KIDS

2. KIDS

3. KIDS

Take those away and you won't need any other reason to R.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

If reconciliation is purely for the kids it won't work.
There has to be more!
Yes they factor into it but I would never have reconciled purely for the kids!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> If reconciliation is purely for the kids it won't work.
> There has to be more!
> Yes they factor into it but I would never have reconciled purely for the kids!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No but the kids are the initial motivation, at least. Without the kids would you have reconciled?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

We were in false R for 3 years. We did it for the kids mainly - but also because we both wanted to see if we could re-connect. The reason it didn't last is there was not total honesty. We worked on our relationship, but my STBXW could not bring herself to tell me that her EA had morphed into a PA (3 years ago). This secret killed any chance to truly become closer and trust each other. I suspected, my wife built a shell around herself to protect the secret, and ended up distancing herself from me AND the family. So the R never had a chance. Ironically, she confessed 2 weeks after we separated, saying she couldn't tell me because of shame, guilt and wanting to "protect me". [email protected] Had she done this 3 years ago, we would have separated sooner and I sincerely believe we might be back together and in a better place with each other.

*If you are trying to R - you must have total disclosure at the beginning of R. Otherwise, each new truth sets you back and the longer the lies fester, the more damaging they are. You need to re-build trust and you cannot do this if there are secrets.*


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

BjornFree said:


> No but the kids are the initial motivation, at least. Without the kids would you have reconciled?


Impossible to answer really.
I had him back because despite everything I still loved him and thought we could have a good marriage.
When he asked to reconcile, I told him it had to be because he wanted ME and wanted to be with me, otherwise I didn't want it!
He agreed.
Sorry to thread jack op!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Impossible to answer really.
> I had him back because despite everything I still loved him and thought we could have a good marriage.
> When he asked to reconcile, I told him it had to be because he wanted ME and wanted to be with me, otherwise I didn't want it!
> He agreed.
> ...


Lets take the kids away for the moment, would you still bet your money on the "we could have a good marriage" gamble?

And its hardly a thread jack given that it concerns reasons for R


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Kids are a valid reason to attempt R. But kids grow up. So you need to R for additional reasons - otherwise you're going to be empty nesters who hate each other.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> Kids are a valid reason to attempt R. But kids grow up. So you need to R for additional reasons - otherwise you're going to be empty nesters who hate each other.


Good point. But would people even consider R if they didn't have kids? What is the major motivating factor in the early days?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

On dday the WW thinks the OM is the best thing since sliced bread.
The BH wishes his WW is dead.

Not a good begining to recover a marriage.

However using the kids as a motivation for the both of them to work through their issues the marriage can be recovered and be better then pre dday.

Thing is the BS and the WS have to do all that is required. Or the damage will not be repaired. As Cedarman said his WW would not be truthful about the affair.

So many marriages stay together post dday though they limp along forever because the work was never done or they divorce.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Good point. But would people even consider R if they didn't have kids? What is the major motivating factor in the early days?


I think kids are a major factor in considering R. I know that if it wasn't for kids, I wouldn't have tried. (Ironically, if it wasn't for kids, we probably wouldn't have got into trouble, since it was the pressure and too much of my time with the kids that my wife resented.)

So agree, kids are a valid and a GOOD reason to attempt R. But there has to be more.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

3 years out.
1) Once she came back to reality she voluntaryly destroyed any trace of the affair in her mind, let OM go, completely renounced to fond memories, then showed me her love and worked on herself to find out how/why she went to that path and then corrected the vulnerabilities within to make herself a safe person to be with. 
2) She humbled herself, toke the responsability, owned her stuff, respected me, was patiente with my rollercoaster, empathetic to my pain, proactive into repairing the trust and assist me to heal from it.
3) Once I figured her out and saw the effort she did/was doing to repair the marraige I decided I wanted a happy, romantic, intimate marraige with her again so I chose to let go the pain, gave up to punish her, to consider her as an aqual partner, didn't let me off the hook with my own stuff. Decided to forgive to live in the now and in the future.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Acabado said:


> ...I decided I wanted a happy, romantic, intimate marraige with her again so I chose to let go the pain, gave up to punish her, to consider her as an aqual partner, didn't let me off the hook with my own stuff. Decided to forgive to live in the now and in the future.



This is what I didn't do. At one point, my wife WAS working really hard on us. And I still wonder if I had simply let go of my mistrust, whether my wife would have, on her own - confessed completely. Letting go of the past is a requirement for R and in order to let go, the past has to be fully disclosed. It doesn't really matter which happens first, but both are required. 

At any rate - R is definitely hard work and I admire the couples who are working on it together.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Originally Posted by daisygirl 41
> Impossible to answer really.
> I had him back because despite everything I still loved him and thought we could have a good marriage.
> When he asked to reconcile, I told him it had to be because he wanted ME and wanted to be with me, otherwise I didn't want it!
> ...



Not a thread jack at all. You stipulated that he must want you for R. I think that anyone that wnats a r for more than 5 yeasr would have to have your stipulation

*How long have you been in R?*


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Cedarman*
> 
> *We were in false R for 3 years*. We did it for the kids mainly - but also because we both wanted to see if we could re-connect. The reason it didn't last is there was not total honesty. We worked on our relationship, but my STBXW could not bring herself to tell me that her EA had morphed into a PA (3 years ago). This secret killed any chance to truly become closer and trust each other. I suspected, my wife built a shell around herself to protect the secret, and ended up distancing herself from me AND the family. So the R never had a chance. Ironically, she confessed 2 weeks after we separated, saying she couldn't tell me because of shame, guilt and wanting to "protect me". [email protected] Had she done this 3 years ago, we would have separated sooner and I sincerely believe we might be back together and in a better place with each other.
> 
> If you are trying to R - you must have total disclosure at the beginning of R. Otherwise, each new truth sets you back and the longer the lies fester, the more damaging they are. You need to re-build trust and you cannot do this if there are secrets.


One of the reasons that I initially set the R for 5 years was that I read on this forum that it takes a minimum 5 years to see if the R is going to last. *It would be very hard for someone to be in R for 5 years if it was not real; right?*


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Originally Posted by Acabado *
> ...I decided I wanted a happy, romantic, intimate marraige with her again so I chose to let go the pain, gave up to punish her, to consider her as an aqual partner, didn't let me off the hook with my own stuff. Decided to forgive to live in the now and in the future.
> 
> 
> ...



Although your post is not exactly what I asked about it is very important information and *I am glad that you posted it.* 
I think maybe your post could help someone

Thanks Cedarman,


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> One of the reasons that I initially set the R for 5 years was that I read on this forum that it takes a minimum 5 years to see if the R is going to last. *It would be very hard for someone to be in R for 5 years if it was not real right?*


Even 3 years of false R was a long time. I can't see anybody doing 5 years unless it was real. Or, unless they were both emotionally dead, so it didn't matter that there wasn't any love or trust.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Acabado*
> 
> 3 years out.
> 
> ...


*OUTSTANDING Acabado!!*
Your actions and your wife’s actions should be included in every R especially in the beginning IMO!

*Usted no es tonto que es sabio y humilde*


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

BjornFree said:


> Lets take the kids away for the moment, would you still bet your money on the "we could have a good marriage" gamble?
> 
> And its hardly a thread jack given that it concerns reasons for R


Yes definitely. As another poster has stated, kids grow up and leave one day. My kids are 18, 15 and 11. So my oldest two are already quite independent and don't need me so much. Maybe it would be a different scenario if they were little ones.

I can honestly say that when considering to R with H the children didn't come into it. That might sound harsh to some, but my H has always been a wonderful father, and I knew that he would continue to be even if we hasn't reconciled. I think all situations are unique. We reconciled because we both believed we had something worth saving. When H moved out I felt like a part of me was missing,we had been so close for all those years. His A was truly out of character. We both made bad choices in our marriage, we were young when we got together, we have both had to make changes. He has done everything required by a WS to fix his part, some of the things I asked for, some have come naturally. We truly have a better marriage now, not because of the Affair, but despite of it. We have both grown as people and our relationship has matured. We are mor open and honest about feelings, there are no secrets and we discuss everything. 

So for me, yes the gamble has been worth it and really the way I see it is that we owed it to ourselves to try again, and if it failed, then I could walk away knowing I really had given it my best shot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Mr Blunt said:


> Not a thread jack at all. You stipulated that he must want you for R. I think that anyone that wnats a r for more than 5 yeasr would have to have your stipulation
> 
> *How long have you been in R?*


Only 9 months Mr Blunt but I feel we have progressed a lot quicker than some other who are reconciling. I think some of the reason for that is because I have worked hard at forgiving H. I truly want to let the A go and not let it define our marriage. We have a new marriage now, a marriage built on maturity and a deeper understanding of our needs. 
Sure there are days when I feel down and my heart feels full of sadness, but they are getting fewer and when I feel like that, I go to him and we discuss it. There is nothing that is out of bounds for discussion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## artlady (Jul 17, 2011)

> He has done everything required by a WS to fix his part, some of the things I asked for, some have come naturally. We truly have a better marriage now, not *because of the Affair, but despite of it*.


Sorry to jack the thread, because my R is just over the two-year mark, but I had to comment on what daisygirl 41 said. These are the exact words I've been searching for. I can't ever say I was 'grateful' for my H's A, or 'thankful', or even that his A is what drove him back home... while we both needed our separation, what he did _during_ the separation was completely out of character. _Despite_ everything he did, we were able to save our marriage because of the ways we changed, he was transparent, and bent over backward to make things right.

Our story of R is pretty much like daisy's, except our daughters are grown, so having kids didn't factor into our R.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I c&p this from a previous post I made. We're not quite at 3 years yet - D day #1 was March 2010.

There are two reasons I think our R is so successful so far. I say so far because I don't believe it will ever be 'over'. We will always be living post-affair. It's like living after a war or the death of a loved one or a cataclysmic event like 911. Everything gets talked about as 'before' or 'after'.

Anyway. Two reasons. The first is that I let him go, or rather kicked him out. I was DONE. I hated him and never wanted to lay eyes on him again. What he did spelled the end of our marriage. This freed me up to work on myself. I went to IC and changed some things up around the house and lived with just the kids again (I was also a single mom for 7 years when they were little) and I realized that I actually liked it. I liked myself and I liked my life. This in turn led to the discovery that, if I had the choice, I actually DID want him in my life. I actually did love him. This surprised me, because it was a complete 180 from the way I felt on D day. So I decided that we would try R.

The second reason is the way he is now. There is VERY little he hasn't done that a WS should and needs to do. He owns his sh!t. He works hard every day to help me recover and to keep our marriage getting better. And he does it all with an attitude of remorse. He doesn't balk at what he needs to do. Even this long past the first Dday I can tell him that something triggered me and he is apologetic and fusses over me. The fact he is this way has meant that I can be that way with him too, when he needs me to be.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

5+ Years

#3 Communication and Empathy. We don't hesitate to discuss issues and are more in tune with each others point of view/feelings. 

#2 Not falling back into old habits that got us in trouble in the first place

#1 We fell back in love.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Mr. Blunt. I've been reading this thread and since I am not R I did not think to comment. But I'm going to offer my opinion anyway.


I don't think R is any different than having a good marriage. I think in R you need to learn to forgive each other and yourselves. I think that is true in a good marriage as well. We all make mistakes. We all do things to injure the ones we love most. You need to learn how to forgive your spouse for these mistakes and you need to learn to forgive yourself for making them. Obviously infidelity is not a mistake per se but in marriage various forms and levels of betrayal occur all the time. Its how you handle them that determine what the path of the marriage will be.

The second thing is respect. If you don't have respect then you don't have a marriage. A relationship should enhance both parties. If there is no respect then one or more often both parties suffer. You need to give respect, expect respect and earn respect.

The third thing IMO is consciousness. In R we often say trust but verify. In marriage it is no different. Too many people go through the motions of marriage without really seeing it for what it is. You need to watch your spouse. Learn to read his/her body language. Anticipate problems before they occur. Understand that issues are going to come up. Make sure both parties are on board with constant communication. Understand that men and women are different and learn the dynamics of how each sex approaches relationships. Nothing that is worth it in life is easy. There is a reason for that. If it were easy it would not be appreciated. Marriage is not easy. But it is worth it.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> 5+ Years
> 
> #3 Communication and Empathy. We don't hesitate to discuss issues and are more in tune with each others point of view/feelings.
> 
> ...


 #1 - falling back in love. THAT is the tough one. I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech 3 years ago when I discovered the EA (which was really a PA). We worked on R (false R) for 3 years - it never worked. I'm not sure if it's women in general, or just my STBXW specifically. By the time she had given me the ILYBINILWY speech she had already moved on. She spent 3 years of False R protecting her PA secret and alternating between working on our marriage and fantasizing about single's life. It's like a switch had turned off (3 years ago) and can never be turned on again. The fantasy always wins vs reality.

What was the most important reason you were able to fall back in love?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Cedarman said:


> #1 - falling back in love. THAT is the tough one. I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech 3 years ago when I discovered the EA (which was really a PA). We worked on R (false R) for 3 years - it never worked. I'm not sure if it's women in general, or just my STBXW specifically. By the time she had given me the ILYBINILWY speech she had already moved on. She spent 3 years of False R protecting her PA secret and alternating between working on our marriage and fantasizing about single's life. It's like a switch had turned off (3 years ago) and can never be turned on again. The fantasy always wins vs reality.
> 
> What was the most important reason you were able to fall back in love?


I got the ILYBANILWY also. She was deep into an EA also. Full recovery took about 3 & 1/2 years. I fell back in love with her very quickly once I realized I was likely going to lose her. She took a long time but the major points for her I believe were.

She saw I was serious about changing things in me. (Back to the man I used to be.) Anger issues, passive aggressiveness.

The EA had to end before we could ever stop treading water.

An absolute commitment to my self to not leave anything in the tank before I threw in the towel.

An Understanding of her "Love Language" and her understanding of mine.

Reintroduction of a healthy sex life.

She brought down the emotional wall that she had built.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> I got the ILYBANILWY also. She was deep into an EA also. Full recovery took about 3 & 1/2 years. I fell back in love with her very quickly once I realized I was likely going to lose her. She took a long time but the major points for her I believe were.
> 
> She saw I was serious about changing things in me. (Back to the man I used to be.) Anger issues, passive aggressiveness.
> 
> ...



Congrats - that's a great and inspiring story.

I assume you didn't separate at any time during the R? How and when did she manage to bring down the emotional wall? That must have taken some time and tested your patience. With my STBXW, that was THE biggest problem. She built a wall so strong (in part to protect the secret of her PA), that I finally concluded that there was nothing I could do. So I have had to "let her go" in order for us both to move on. 

I too am working on me. Whether it makes a difference to my STBXW or not is less important than getting back into a position to start a healthy, balanced relationship.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Daisygirl41*
> He has done everything required by a WS to fix his part, some of the things I asked for, some have come naturally.
> 
> We are more open and honest about feelings, there are no secrets and we discuss everything.
> ...



I think you have a very good start Daisygirl and you probably have progressed quicker than some others.

*Your words above are very important to a successful R.* With you and your husband continuing to follow your R actions I am betting you will go beyond 5+ years in R.
Thank you for sharing


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Artlady
> we were able to save our marriage because of the ways
> we changed, he was transparent, and bent over backward to make things right.


Your post and some other posts make me think that I should have stated my OP question to those that have been in R for 9 months or more.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Hope1964*
> I went to IC and changed some things
> I liked myself and I liked my life.


I hope a lot of the others that are BS will take note of the above.

Like Hope1964, I think that the BS should get in high gear and start working on themselves immediately. Some BS just gets so caught up in the pain and paralysis of the affair and concentrates on trying to fix the WS or please them. That response is so very understandable but it does not produce the results that changing yourself for improvement does. After all, *you really need to take care of yourself as you cannot trust the WS to do that.*




> *By Hope1964*
> There is VERY little he hasn't done that a WS should and needs to do. He owns his sh!t. He works hard every day to help me recover and to keep our marriage getting better. And he does it all with an attitude of remorse. He doesn't balk at what he needs to do.


*Another great example of how you know the WS is serious about R*


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By bfree
> 
> I think in R you need to learn to forgive each other and yourselves.


*This maybe the hardest and one of the most important*



> By bfree
> If you don't have respect then you don't have a marriage.
> 
> You need to watch your spouse. Learn to read his/her body language. Anticipate problems before they occur. Understand that issues are going to come up. Make sure both parties are on board with constant communication




Bfree, for someone that did not do R you brought out some very important actions for a successful R.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Originally Posted by Amplexor
> 5+ Years
> 
> #3 Communication and Empathy. We don't hesitate to discuss issues and are more in tune with each others point of view/feelings.
> ...



*



#1 We fell back in love.

Click to expand...

**That is the ultimate goal. Congratulations Amplexor!

How many years do you have in R?*


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Mr Blunt said:


> *How many years do you have in R?*


5+ Years

Note the dates.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/1383-when-enough-enough.html


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

3+ years out from DDAY, and it was a horrible (wife serially cheating for years)

How? 

It really is all about her. She pleaded for months on end to give her one chance. She promised that she could change and she would never disappoint me again for life. I told her that I'm the same person so don't expect something else. We processed the affairs for months on end, daily. It's all we talked about. 2 years of IC an MC. In the end, I showed mercy; she showed remorse for destroying our former marriage. 

One final thought... Do I fully trust her now? In honesty No. She knows this and has accepted it.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Amplexor: Thanks for posting the link to your story - very inspiring. Wish I had read it sooner, as well as found this forum earlier - from my experience, your story highlights all of the required elements for a chance at a successful R. Still needs a lot of work and the right couple - but shows that R IS possible. Thanks again for sharing.


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## artlady (Jul 17, 2011)

> Your post and some other posts make me think that I should have stated my OP question to those that have been in R for 9 months or more.


Then my top three reasons why our recovery has worked are:

*We don't take each other or anything in our marriage for granted anymore. We used to, but we now know how hard we have to work to have a good marriage and we DO work at it, although honestly, many things fall into place so much easier now.

*We married young, have been together for 23 years, and we both came to realize that for everything we've been through, we deserved a second chance. But it wasn't just all those years together; it was how horrible we both felt while we were separated. It's weird to say you can't live without someone, but that's how it was.

*We're honest, we learned how to communicate with each other, and we tell each other we love each other and kiss every day.

Someone else on the thread said their marriage was marked by "before" and "after, and that's how ours is, and I'll be honest, it's been very hard to get over his A. Sometimes I'm regretful that it had to come to a separation and my H's MLC for us to get to this point, and regret my/our actions from the past, but mostly, we do look forward to everything that we have planned with each other, and being happy that we're so in love. It's almost schizophrenic: the intense pain of his affair, but then much of the time I'm so happy.

I know, it sounds sappy.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*



My question is for BS and WS that have over 5 years in R

What are your top (3) three reasons why your R has lasted over 5 years?

Click to expand...

*Although I am glad for the responders to this thread, as they have added valuable information, I am surprised there was not more BA or WS responding that had over 5 years in R.

*This forum has LOTS of people that are responding but why are there not longer term-R people here?*

I think that the long term-R people would be able to give valuable information and hope to those that are in R for a year or two. I have seen a few questions that basically are asking; “can the recovery last for many years and can we be happy again”

*So far the only posters on this forum that I know of that have over 5 years in successful R are Amplexor and Wazza. 
Are there more?*


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

FWW stopped sleeping with OM's

Now for the long answer;

There is a life style change that made a big difference, we are two different poeple now and it just so happens we like hanging out with each other now.
Its still work but now we both have the tools to be emotionally healthier individuals. And thats the thing...as individuals we work on our selfs and work on being better for our selves. This kind of work brings the reward we both now share as a couple.

Back in the day we did do thing for our selves but they weren't healthy..ie. working to much, drinking to much, spending our free time away from each other, and really just being abuse to our selves and each other.

Don't walk behind me, don't walk infront of me, but walk next to me!


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> Although I am glad for the responders to this thread, as they have added valuable information, I am surprised there was not more BA or WS responding that had over 5 years in R.
> 
> *This forum has LOTS of people that are responding but why are there not longer term-R people here?*
> 
> ...


Only other one I can think of is Beowulf and his wife. They were 20 years post D-Day if I recall. They don't post here anymore. I think his wife got sick or something. Most of his story is still around in some old threads.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Mr Blunt said:


> I think you have a very good start Daisygirl and you probably have progressed quicker than some others.
> 
> *Your words above are very important to a successful R.* With you and your husband continuing to follow your R actions I am betting you will go beyond 5+ years in R.
> Thank you for sharing


I appreciate your comment very much. 
Thank you.
And just to add I had intensive IC during and after my Hs A. I also read A LOT of self help and marriage help books. I have learnt a lot about myself this past year and grown as a person in many ways.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By daisygirl 41
> And just to add I had intensive IC during and after my Hs A. I also read A LOT of self help and marriage help books. I have learnt a lot about myself this past year and grown as a person in many ways.


Being betrayed is terrible but benefiting and growing in spite of the betrayal is something that can happen. Congratulations daisy girl!


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Originally Posted by Mr. Blunt *
> Although I am glad for the responders to this thread, as they have added valuable information, I am surprised there was not more BA or WS responding that had over 5 years in R.
> 
> This forum has LOTS of people that are responding but why are there not longer term-R people here?
> ...


*Only 3, that is very disappointing!*
Guess one of the reasons is like Amplexor said. Reading these betrayal stories are triggers.

I know that the first few months or year or two it is very important to get information to help keep the R going. However, after the high motivation that is generated by the emotions; there will be a LOT more years where the emotions and motivation will diminish. That is when it will be very helpful for those in R to hear from the 5 + year people. If R works then you will have 10-40 years more left of marriage.


Anyway, glad that we have a lot of people in the 9 months + R category that can help the newbies.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Cedarman said:


> Congrats - that's a great and inspiring story.
> 
> I assume you didn't separate at any time during the R? How and when did she manage to bring down the emotional wall? That must have taken some time and tested your patience. With my STBXW, that was THE biggest problem. She built a wall so strong (in part to protect the secret of her PA), that I finally concluded that there was nothing I could do. So I have had to "let her go" in order for us both to move on.
> 
> I too am working on me. Whether it makes a difference to my STBXW or not is less important than getting back into a position to start a healthy, balanced relationship.


No, we never separated during the process. I would consider the wall was down at the 2.5 year point, the night she said she loved me but I knew we still had more work to do. The first year was pretty much treading water as she was in contact with OM on and off. I always equated bringing down the wall to water over a dam. At first there was little change but as time went on it weakened to the point of a full collapse. Resuming our sex life was what helped her to emotionally cleave to me again but taking that step was a difficult one to take. Once she did she let go of protecting herself and we moved forward at a quicker rate. I would caution those here that getting your wife back in bed does not fix the problem. There was a lot of foundation built in order for her to get back in a sexual relationship with me from the emotional side, not from guilt or demands. Trust and my confidence were the bigger factors. 

As far as patience goes, I developed a level of patience that I never knew was in me. That has continued on and made me a better father and husband.


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