# codependant, or deep in love?



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

one day you will come to me and ask 'what is more important, me or your life' I'll say my life & you'll walk away never knowing you are my life


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I have to ask where did this come from and what is the context of it?

draconis


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## FrenchMomma (Sep 23, 2008)

I love it... I wouldn't call it codependant at all. To some degree I would think that every marriage becomes codepandant at some point. Your life revolves around what you love. As long as you can still be yourself, I dont see a problem with that.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

voivod said:


> one day you will come to me and ask 'what is more important, me or your life' I'll say my life & you'll walk away never knowing you are my life


Codependant


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ljtseng-
explain please.
thanks.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

voivod said:


> ljtseng-
> explain please.
> thanks.


What i hear from that quote is that if the partner leaves then one loses their life. If I think about losing one's life, I think that means dying, or a lack of feeling alive. 

If i think that losing the partner would lead to depression, feelings of dying, then there is a certain amount of control over the one that leaves. There's a high amount of emotional codependency. Of course one would not want to lose their life or feel so depressed. so one would need the other partner to stay around in order to retain their life. This leads me to think that if one wants to feel alive (in the more extreme case, literally be alive), then one needs their partner to stay. The partner is then not necessarily free to be themselves, but their actions now dictate the mental stability of the one they leave. That is not healthy.

In reality one's life, and emotional wellness, is completely separate from one's partner. For a healthy marriage (in my opinion of course) one needs to be happy with their own life, and themselves. If one is already happy with themselves and their own life, then if the partner wants to leave it will be sad of course, but not so catastrophic as losing one's life. it would be more like losing all the cookie dough in the ice cream, but still having the ice cream. 

Its a sweet, sort of romeo and juliet quote. Which of course would explain why Romeo had to die when he thought he 'lost his life.'


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

just don't beat around the bush with someone. tell them what you are thinking & feeling without being ambiguous.


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## happilymarried67 (May 7, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> What i hear from that quote is that if the partner leaves then one loses their life. If I think about losing one's life, I think that means dying, or a lack of feeling alive.
> 
> If i think that losing the partner would lead to depression, feelings of dying, then there is a certain amount of control over the one that leaves. There's a high amount of emotional codependency. Of course one would not want to lose their life or feel so depressed. so one would need the other partner to stay around in order to retain their life. This leads me to think that if one wants to feel alive (in the more extreme case, literally be alive), then one needs their partner to stay. The partner is then not necessarily free to be themselves, but their actions now dictate the mental stability of the one they leave. That is not healthy.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


It is codependent.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i've seen the codependent defined, the term was originally applied in the case of caretakers of alcoholics. these words do not ring true of codependency, maybe a deep sense of interdependency. my take, that's all. i just wanted to test the temperature of the water when the term "codependency" came up. thank you for your input.

and fyi-i don't think it be wise to actually say those words to another human. the burden is just to heavy.


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

The subtext under "You are my life" is "I have no life without you."

Codependent.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

sure is a pretty play on words, though.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

voivod said:


> these words do not ring true of codependency, maybe a deep sense of interdependency.


probably true. depending on what it means to the person to 'lose their life' it could just be interdependency.


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## Sammy (Oct 4, 2008)

For me this statement is serious, In my case I have finally decided to leave a un healthy relationship. I have two children and expecting another, I would love to say our relationship could get better, but I know what the future holds.
I do feel like im co dependent on him though like i need him to do certain things....It used to be alot worse, I could say that it probably stopped me from leaving him long ago.....Im scared that i cant get passed this


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Sammy said:


> It used to be alot worse, I could say that it probably stopped me from leaving him long ago.....Im scared that i cant get passed this


It is scary. But leaving is absolutely the hardest thing you could have done, and since you did it, you have a lot to be proud of. You took the hardest step. You are stronger then you know. Just keep going and dont look back.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

y'know, i just finished watching "the notebook" and i'm sure that is a study in codependency. but such a beautiful story...


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## izz4u2mm (May 26, 2008)

This is a very interesting subject matter. I looked up the word online and one site had a description simple one:

"She knows it's not right. Once again, Carol (not her real name) has lent money to her son -- this time to get his car fixed. This son is 35 and still living in the family room, where he's coasted since high school. Carol feels guilty giving him money, but what can she do? He needs to get his car fixed. He needs to look for work.

It's a common scenario in today's world. It's also an example of a codependent relationship."

That to me is codependent and I would not have that in my family. First its not healthy for the guy or me. but in a marriage its hard to se it this way. What is a marriage or love??. does it not mimmique codependency??. or where do you draw the line. According to some replied here you can love your spouse but not to the pint that if parted big deal...just go thru some sadness and move on...not in my life. There is even some animals that stay together as mates for life. Come on ppl I have anxiety disorder and depression and if my wife got up and left me I would have a panic attack bigger than **** if I am in love with her. My other example of codependent take Angelina Jolie...is she codependent??. She and other celebs that have "lots of money" can go out and act like humanitarians by helping the needy or poor or underpriviledged children...are they considered codependent ppl??. Do they get some kind of pay back from saving the world famine...look the word up in dictionary. I myself love to help ppl in need of it if I can do it. does that mean I am sacraficing myself and don't think of myself first and not last??. So far in this set of replies I feel marriages should be one thing but not another ...cold but have to love,, cold but have to be there,, cold to be able to not blow ones brains out if your spouse the one you r deeply in love with leaves or chooses another person to be with now so you lose and have to move on...whats going on am I going nuts or what??.
I also have depression...can I not need someone not to hurt me or push me deper into the gutter of depression??. where is all the morals in the world anymore???.
I am confused more than ever now. do you tink I want to get close to anyone anymore?? or do you expect me to??.
Manny


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

izz4u2mm said:


> I also have depression...can I not need someone not to hurt me or push me deper into the gutter of depression??


This statement says a lot about how you view marriage. I think a lot of people start off viewing it this way to one degree or another. But for me, ive realized that my spouse is in no way responsible for my happiness. i know, weird right. but its what ive found that brings the most peace, and yes love, in my marriage.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

manny, my brother,
i too am a recovering alcoholic since may 19th, 2008. a lot of boks have been written/sold on the subject. there is a scholarly article written on the subject titled "is codependency ruining marriages" and it concluded that the movement HAS brought to an early, unreconciled end hundreds maybe thousands of marriages.

my counselor has an interesting take on it. she considers codependency a created industry, cult-like in status. understand the need for diagnosis in the medical/psychological world.

i think it's sad, and there are many professionals who feel the same way. just hop on the phone with your yellow pages in hand. ask your prospective therapist what he or she thinks of codependency as an illness.

don't take my word. just do a little homework. you'll be surprised.


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## izz4u2mm (May 26, 2008)

yeah right I have a shrink and a therapist already and not once has that word popped up "codependent". Homework what homework are you speaking of have been in the **** for a long time now many many sessions one on one and group but never has that term been used or have I heard it. ah whats the use


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

didya buy a book!!!!???


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## izz4u2mm (May 26, 2008)

did I buy a book...no it was given to me...the holy bible. It tells the truth as to how to live your life and I have been living that way sine I can remember. Its all the thinhgs around me that have changed so fast and to an xtreme that one gets lost in and jammed up. I drank myself to numbness of my surroundings at one point...but you know how that goes and trying to feel good and feel good about myself too. Now that was codependent. drugs were the same thing. I was actually trying to calm myself down from all the fears and anxiety and panic attacks that followed. I know lots of vets whom do live in the woods don't want to be part of this society and the way things are being run especially lately. I took responsibility for my wife and 4 children and hung on for dear life. I gave up drinking and drugs for that very reason...could not abandon my small family nor my mom an dad and my sisters and brothers . Thats why I am still above ground my man. Even tho every day is a struggle I keep trucking on and read the book that was given to me by my older sister whom gave me hope and reassured me that my family does love me and I them. anyone is invited to join in on this matter at hand...come on give us your take on this . I need support or critisism lets hear it folk.
Manny


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

the book i was referring to was a book about codependency. seems like everyone else got conned into that. i thought maybe you had too...

interesting..the bible, jesus christ our lord...one could certainly make a case that he is a part of a codependent relationship. with us.
just a thought.


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## izz4u2mm (May 26, 2008)

Thats what I am talking about. aren't we all codependent on one another??.
especially in a mrriage or as a friend. So whts with the manufactured word ...to sell books, or make someone feel he or she is something bad???.
or good??.
manny


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

think about this: did we have ADD when we were kids? or do you think the phenomenon of attention deficit disorder just came about one day? it's a diagnosis! one that can be "treated" with pharmaceuticals. codependency sells books my friend. that's the only point i (and several other people smarter than me) was trying to make.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

izz4u2mm said:


> Thats why I am still above ground my man. Even tho every day is a struggle I keep trucking on and read the book that was given to me by my older sister whom gave me hope and reassured me that my family does love me and I them.


Geeze Manny, I feel for you.


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