# Am I Wrong?



## cursed_5age (Jun 1, 2014)

Hey everyone,
I'm very new to this but i'm out of idea's and I really need some help. My wife and I have been together for 7 years been married for 4 of it. It's been a hard 4 years. I love my wife but it seems that the moment we were married, everything changed. I would love to go on a "rant" about this but I'm not sure this is the place to do it. If there is a place or if someone thinks additional knowledge will help please point me in the right direction. So here is my question. Am I expecting to much out of my wife? 
I want for her to be excited to see me when I come home, as my job has me away for a few months at a time, I want for, when I get a chance to call her, to be a priority and not have to wait 10 minutes for 1 or 2 word responses on what she's doing or how her day is going. I want her to be more mature and responsible and quit staying at the bars until 2 in the morning and driving drunk and wrecking her car. She's done it twice in a year so far.
These things don't seems like so much to me. But when I try to discuss this with her, i'm the bad guy. I'm the one who doesn't want her to have friends, or have a life. And so I'm guilted into apologizing to her, paying thousands for dollars to fix her car.

I want her to be a loving, caring wife. And I really understand that we need to talk about things to make them better, but if anyone can tell me a good way to make a conversation where you tell you wife that saying that your husband's penis is small is not fun or funny no matter when or how it's said and that it's a hurtful and ignorant remark without getting upset about it, i would love to know. 

Sorry I'm starting on the rant thing. Am I asking to much? Am I being selfish? Am I being unfair?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this and will see if I can help out here.

But first I'd like you to answer a question. You say that your job takes you away for a few months at a time. Can you give us a break down for the last year or two?

Here's an example....

jan-march ----- away from home
mid march-mid april -- at home


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you are away from home much more than you are at home.

It’s very hard to maintain a marriage when you hardly see your spouse. There are very few people who can make this work. It sounds like your wife is not one of those few people who can keep a marriage together with a mostly absent spouse.

Why is it hard to keep this kind of marriage healthy? Because people get lonely. To maintain the connection in marriage a couple needs to spend at least 15 hours together weekly, just the two of them. If you are gone most or much of the time then there is no way you can keep up this level of intimacy (nonsexual and sexual intimacy).

Today, people who have a marriage like yours often keep up that intimacy using not only phone calls, but skype and other such communication devices. When my husband used to travel a lot for work.. more than 50% of the time we set up nightly dates. Once the kids were in bed we had 1-2 hours a night set aside for each other. At that time we did not have Skype. So we used the chat and the phone. We both went out of our way to make sure that we had things to talk about. I loved it when he would read to me… anything.. novels, poems, even erotica. But this takes a lot of effort from both parties.

Your wife is most likely feeling very abandoned. She is reacting to it very badly. There is no acceptable excuse for her driving drunk and having accidents due to it.

I think it’s time that you have a heart to heart with her that either she works with you to get your marriage back on track or it’s over. 

More questions:

Do you have children with her?

Does she have a job?

Is there anything that she is interested in that she can pursue… like more education? Or a hobby?


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

Change jobs. I know it is easier said than done.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

I don't think your requests are unreasonable. The two things that jumped out at me as huge red flags though are the "staying out at bars until 2:00 in the morning" and the "driving home drunk and wrecking the car twice in the same year".

It sounds like you have bigger problems to me than just adequate consideration. Your wife sounds like an alcoholic or at least a budding one. Is she at the bars late with her friends while you are out of town? Are you ever with her?

The reason I ask is that a drunk woman alone at the bar is quite likely to get in some trouble and I don't just mean wrecking the car on the drive home. 

Alcoholism is rampant in my family and only one of us, me, is actually in Recovery. I've done the wrecking the car several times in a year thing. I'm not saying that your W is the same as me but some caution flags need to be raised and quickly before she hurts herself or someone else. 

You may be in for a long, bumpy ride. Diversionary tactics are common for alcoholics and she will switch blame back on you for anything and everything to continue doing what she's doing so watch out.


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## cursed_5age (Jun 1, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this and will see if I can help out here.
> 
> But first I'd like you to answer a question. You say that your job takes you away for a few months at a time. Can you give us a break down for the last year or two?
> 
> ...


Gladly, first though I would like it known that my wife is the one that chose this job because of my qualifications and my other job opportunities. So unfortunately this is the least evil.

I was away from Sept 2012-Apr 213 then home for just over a year then away from Feb 2014- well currently away.


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## cursed_5age (Jun 1, 2014)

This is for the other questions as well,
I would love to get another job. I hate my job. But in order for that I need school. Then the whole life meter takes a toll and I need to pay mortgage first and buy groceries and the like so, in short, my wants are on the back burner. 

There are no children involved in our marriage. She thinks she wants them, but she's never able to stick to it for to long to act on it. Besides, sex is needed for children and she doesn't want to do that either.

As for the staying out until 2 am. I know all the risks, aside from the excessive drinking ones. I truly believe she doesn't want to have sex. Not just with me, I mean in general. We've had our arguments about it and they usually end with her telling me to go find a prostitute. I haven't, and I won't. But I just think she only wants to engage in sex once every other month when her hormones are up during that time of the month.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

cursed_5age said:


> This is for the other questions as well,
> I would love to get another job. I hate my job. But in order for that I need school. Then the whole life meter takes a toll and I need to pay mortgage first and buy groceries and the like so, in short, my wants are on the back burner.
> 
> There are no children involved in our marriage. She thinks she wants them, but she's never able to stick to it for to long to act on it. Besides, sex is needed for children and she doesn't want to do that either.
> ...


So your marriage is pretty "sexless" even when you are home. Obviously, that's not a good thing either. What was your sex life like with her prior to marriage? How about how much she drank when you were dating?

The reason I ask is that alcohol abuse often kills the urge for sex. I know it didn't help me. At the height of my drinking, I could take it or leave it, which I can tell you isn't my normal state. Alcohol had become my mistress. Once I quit, some 11 years ago, my sex drive came back with a vengeance.

As for your job, is it possible to move closer to where your work takes you or are you out of pocket completely, meaning out at sea or just traveling to various places across the country? Perhaps you should consider a move so that you can see her more frequently during your work out of town time. My W and I have been together a long time but doing what your doing could overly tax even a great marriage.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Cursed, what is this marriage doing FOR you? 

It sounds to me like the two of you are pretty incompatible.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

cursed_5age said:


> *I want for her to be excited to see me* when I come home, as my job has me away for a few months at a time, I want for, when I get a chance to call her, to be a priority and not have to wait 10 minutes for 1 or 2 word responses on what she's doing or how her day is going. I want her to be more mature and responsible and quit staying at the bars until 2 in the morning and driving drunk and wrecking her car. She's done it twice in a year so far.


You are so right, that is what you want from a relation. Happy to see each other, happy to talk, and share.

Be very glad you came to TAM. You will learn a lot here.

If you do not have kids already, make sure you don't have any until this situation is completely repaired, or you are divorced.

I see a setup for cheating in this scenario, can you check if there are more red flags then you already mentioned?


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## cursed_5age (Jun 1, 2014)

Let's see, before we were married our sex life was great. Honest and truly great. Many times I even sent her fun little texts calling her my personal porn star kind of thing. And I was the heavy drinker. She actually asked me to quit because of how much and how often I would be going out or dragging her out with me. So I did. I was not in the alcoholic range of drinking but it was excessive.

And my job is unfortunately in places like the middle east, so no, it's not about an hour commute or even a couple hundred dollar plane ticket. I would gladly quit my job. I actually did quit my job and we almost lost everything because she didn't want to work full time. So my job hired be back and let me pick up where I left off.


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## cursed_5age (Jun 1, 2014)

KatheyBatesel: In all honesty, this marriage is doing nothing for me except causing stress and heartache. But I honestly do remember the amazing times before we tied the knot. So I'm doing everything and anything I can to make sure my views are sound and that i'm not just being the hateful, overbearing husband. I want to know, in my own heart, that I have done, said, and tried everything to make the woman I fell for be the woman who I have forever.

See_Listen_Love: What other red flag scenario's could there possibly be? She stays out all night whether i'm home or not, she doesn't want to have sex with me, she tells me to hire prostitutes, and being married under 5 years we have sex less that 10 times a year. This is probably me ranting again so i'm sorry but I have actually kept the same body I had in the military. 5'7 and i weigh 155lbs. I run and exercise often. She's is the one who's gained 20+ lbs and is somehow no longer attracted to me???


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello Cursed and sorry you are here.

As already pointed out there seems to be a number of red flags here:


You are recently married and sex has dwindled down to non existant.
You are in a job that keeps you away from home for long periods of time and is far away too.
She helped you pick out a job (and accompanying education) that keeps you away from home for long periods of time.
In case you think of quitting that job she makes sure you know that she will not work, so you cannot quit that job.
While you are away and now even when you are home, she stays out all night - at bars - and drives home drunk.
She doesnt want sex and jokes about the size of your pen!s
You think that she does not want sex with anyone - based on what ?

I would say that she is drinking, sleeping around or having an affair and keeping you on as a financial provider and far away too.

She is very possibly cheating - would that be a deal breaker for you ?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

As others have pointed out, you're gone a lot. This is incompatible with marriage most of the time; it doesn't matter if she chose it, it's not working. You can ask for her to be excited and everyone can tell you you're being reasonable, but it won't change the underlying issue. She detaches in the time you're gone as she can't hold the connection. A lot of people would have the same issue. Sadly, I don't think there's anything you can do while you're gone so much. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

cursed_5age said:


> KatheyBatesel: In all honesty, this marriage is doing nothing for me except causing stress and heartache. But I honestly do remember the amazing times before we tied the knot. So I'm doing everything and anything I can to make sure my views are sound and that i'm not just being the hateful, overbearing husband. I want to know, in my own heart, that I have done, said, and tried everything to make the woman I fell for be the woman who I have forever.
> 
> See_Listen_Love: What other red flag scenario's could there possibly be? She stays out all night whether i'm home or not, she doesn't want to have sex with me, she tells me to hire prostitutes, and being married under 5 years we have sex less that 10 times a year. This is probably me ranting again so i'm sorry but I have actually kept the same body I had in the military. 5'7 and i weigh 155lbs. I run and exercise often. She's is the one who's gained 20+ lbs and is somehow no longer attracted to me???



Your wife has no connection to you. That's why she's not attracted, and the 20 lbs and drinking is probably depression. Your distance isn't working. As to whether you're wrong, you're not wrong to want these a wife who's happy to see you. You are wrong to assume you'll automatically get it when you're away too long to nurture the marriage; no amount of keeping in shape will make up for this. Time for some tough decisions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

cursed_5age said:


> Hey everyone,
> I'm very new to this but i'm out of idea's and I really need some help. My wife and I have been together for 7 years been married for 4 of it. It's been a hard 4 years. I love my wife but it seems that the moment we were married, everything changed. I would love to go on a "rant" about this but I'm not sure this is the place to do it. If there is a place or if someone thinks additional knowledge will help please point me in the right direction. So here is my question. Am I expecting to much out of my wife?
> I want for her to be excited to see me when I come home, as my job has me away for a few months at a time, I want for, when I get a chance to call her, to be a priority and not have to wait 10 minutes for 1 or 2 word responses on what she's doing or how her day is going. I want her to be more mature and responsible and quit staying at the bars until 2 in the morning and driving drunk and wrecking her car. She's done it twice in a year so far.
> These things don't seems like so much to me. But when I try to discuss this with her, i'm the bad guy. I'm the one who doesn't want her to have friends, or have a life. And so I'm guilted into apologizing to her, paying thousands for dollars to fix her car.
> ...


Your gone for long periods of time. 
There is no excitement from her when you do get home.
She drinks to excess and wrecks her car expecting you to pay for it.
She stays out at the bar till 2am.
There is no sex life.
Supposedly, she has no interest in sex except at certain times of the month. (Is there anyone proving this service that you don't know about?)
She is probably detached due to the fact that you are gone so long.
You can not afford to get another job, and she won't work. Which leaves you stuck in your current job.


You really need to think about what this marriage is providing you. And HER. You have no kids.


Are you willing to live like this the rest of your life?
If not, then you already know what you need to do.


If it was me, I would have been gone yesterday. To many deal breaker actions on her part.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

So what exactly is it that your wife brings to the marriage, I mean aside from acting out like a 14 year old brat?


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## cursed_5age (Jun 1, 2014)

These are honestly my thoughts. I just have no idea what to do about them. Thank you all for your honesty.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Like many have said, there is not much (positive) that you are getting from the marriage.

Does your wife work at all while you are gone?

Does your wife want to make something work where you are a lot closer - seeing as she "choose" the current job for you thus keeping you out of the country.

There are potential red flags too which pop up but it may be harder for you to confirm any of these since you are not around through no fault of your own.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

> As for the staying out until 2 am. I know all the risks, aside from the excessive drinking ones. I truly believe she doesn't want to have sex. Not just with me, I mean in general. We've had our arguments about it and they usually end with her telling me to go find a prostitute. I haven't, and I won't. But I just think she only wants to engage in sex once every other month when her hormones are up during that time of the month.





cursed_5age said:


> See_Listen_Love: What other red flag scenario's could there possibly be? *She stays out all night whether i'm home or not, she doesn't want to have sex with me, she tells me to hire prostitutes, and being married under 5 years we have sex less that 10 times a year*. This is probably me ranting again so i'm sorry but I have actually kept the same body I had in the military. 5'7 and i weigh 155lbs. I run and exercise often. She's is the one who's gained 20+ lbs and is somehow no longer attracted to me???


You must be kidding.

This is the clearest affair indication I have ever seen on TAM.

And you are blind to it.

Ofcourse there is a chance she is genuine not interested in sex, but that chance amounts to 1 in 1000 or less, seen that she is going out, I read: *even when you are at home??*

Do you have any idea how a husband should take that act of her??

:BoomSmilie_anim::woohoo:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?
Does your wife work? 

If you are off working to support her and she done not bring in enough to support herself, her behavior is even more disrespectful.

You are gone a lot and that is hard on a marriage. She should be working with you get you working near your home. If both of you work, would that make it possible for you to give up this job?

If she is not willing to work to either find a way to make the marriage work when you are away or to find a way to keep you near home then I don’t see any hope for this marriage.

I’m sorry to say, but you as an individual might do best if you divorce her. Then work to save up enough money to get you into whatever training/education you need. You should also look at ways to get federal and state financial aid to help you through school. If you are in the military , are you signed up for the GI Bill.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I can't see the marriage working out long term from what you have posted here, and all I can add to what others have said is DO NOT HAVE KIDS. At least not until things are much, much better. And be careful about what you say if you start thinking about ending the marriage. It would be quite easy for her to suddenly start taking a sexual interest in you, you think "great, we are going back to how we were" and BAM. She is pregnant and you are stuck.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Marriages and the emotional connection within marriage requires daily togetherness.

Why can't she come with you? Sell your house.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Marriages and the emotional connection within marriage requires daily togetherness.


This post should be a sticky.....

Distance is probably one of the biggest relationship killers. Marriage, family, friends.....you name it.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

With the bad habit she picked up by drinking and driving, there's going to come a time when she smashes up another car with people in it and your going to be working for nothing but paying off the law suit they hit you with.

Maybe it's time that you consider if this is worth sticking around for. 

Your gone for months at a time. She's lonely and took up the hobby of boozing and bar hoping and this doesn't make for a good marriage.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

To answer your OP question, you are not wrong.

And to echo the sentiment of others, I feel that the red flags are all over the place that she's already having an affair. 

You need to protect yourself and do some snooping to find out. Just be prepared if she is -- what do you plan to do? It may just be an 'emotional' affair. I was devastated when my ex-wife did this and was willing to forgive, but it didn't work out that way. For me now its a deal breaker and I won't forgive if it happened again, because its all about respect. It is possible that a marriage ends, that's the reality. But I expect my partner to have the respect to end it with me before they start it with someone else (ie cant have your cake and eat it too). 

That said, if it turns out its NOT an affair ... then counseling is an appropriate next step. You need to tell her you aren't happy and think that professional help will help you two connect. If she still fights, then you again have to consider the option that this marriage isn't right for you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

6301 said:


> With the bad habit she picked up by drinking and driving, there's going to come a time when she smashes up another car with people in it and your going to be working for nothing but paying off the law suit they hit you with.
> 
> Maybe it's time that you consider if this is worth sticking around for.
> 
> Your gone for months at a time. She's lonely and took up the hobby of boozing and bar hoping and this doesn't make for a good marriage.


Which means that she is EXTREMELY vulnerable....and chances for infidelity are EXTREMELY high.


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