# husband no longer finds me sexually attractive,, can this be saved?



## LAlove (Apr 14, 2016)

help i need some real answers from men..?
We've been married for 6 yrs., sexually active for over 10 yrs, and it's def, been a sexless marriage for the most part. after I got pregnant he never wanted to touch me. even after my son was born we didn't have any sex for almost 1 year. now maybe 1-2x a month. I have a HD (7x week would be a dream) I'd settle for 2x week! lol .. and I think he's a LD,, but I don't really think that's 100% true because he does masturbate (thinking I don't know) but it's pretty obvious when he takes 30 mins. in the shower every day. It became clear that there was a serious issue and it was really getting to me. When we had a real talk he finally admitted and was honest, that he just wasn't attracted to me anymore,, for the past few years. Thinking back, I was the one who always initiated the sex, dressing in lingerie or I'd have to be the one to grab him first. (unless he was drunk) He never plans any romantic dates for me or ever buys me lingerie or anything remotely romantic that say's he wants me sexually. He's a good person in the aspect of being a provider for our family, and he's never cheated on me, He's never been the one to stray and I think we are good friends. He says he loves me and he finds be beautiful and he knows that other men would kill to have me but he just doesn't feel the desire for me like he did when we first started having sex. I know it's been a decade and I try to spicy things up. Using porn sometimes, I dress up, I actually like performing oral on him, I've even suggested a threesome and even asked if he would be interested in an open marriage or a "hall pass" but he hasn't given much thought to those options.. I just get frustrated because over all I feel like he's a selfish lover. He doesn't go the extra mile to please me or ever asks me what I would like. He just makes sure he gets finished and then goes to bed. 

I'm just so lost on what I should do. I know I'm not perfect, compared to all the other LA HOT KIM Kardashian girls out here it's impossible to keep up. I know I need to lose more weight so I work out, eat healthy, do my hair, get waxed, wear makeup and I do keep up with the trends in fashion etc, etc, being a mom it's so hard to try to be a hot mom but I'm trying.. I know he would love it if I got a boob job and a tummy tuck but right now that's not financially possible.. But it just doesn't seem like it's good enough for him. Since he confessed his feelings or lack there of (February) (the month of our wedding anniversary) when we should of been happy and celebrating our 6th year,, instead I've just been confused and in tears and nervous of this being an end for us. He says he wants to work this out but since then he still hasn't made any effort to reconnect no special dates alone, no real commitment to continue working on the marriage. We both agreed to get counseling but we have to wait for that because of insurance purposes.. but would counseling really help if he doesn't even make any efforts to romance me now? 
He travels for work and I wanted to send my "love" to him so I sent him some sexy selfies and video clips and all he replies with is a heart smile emoji ... no I miss you , nothing sexy back or nothing flirty back.. I feel so foolish.. He never suggests or ask for any sexy phone talk or txt. I find it so odd. 
What more can I do to show him I love him and that I want this to work. but sometimes I feel like I'm forcing my love and I'm forcing this marriage to work and he's just maybe over me? 
Should I just walk away and save some dignity and maybe he can find someone he's truly happy with? I feel like there's no way out of this, we have a son and I really want another kid but how can I have another baby if my marriage is not solid? That wouldn't be very responsible of me as a mother. I don't want to divorce but I don't want to stay in a sexless marriage... I'm really afraid that this is going to mess me up mentally and emotionally and I really don't want to be in my forties being dump, bitter, anger and single. 

What's my next move..?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What was it like when you were dating?


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## ZDog377 (May 31, 2015)

Have you asked if there is a reason why he doesn't anymore? Maybe it's something little but he feels dumb mentioning it?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I would have a very serious discussion with him about this. If he agrees that he must be more willing to comply at least in part with your needs, then coming up with excuses and going back to the way things were will not be acceptable. Ask him serously if he really want to continue to be married to you and tell him under what circumstances you would be willing to stay married to him. 

I would do this myself because I have the same problems with my wife but our finances will not allow it. If dreamed of being with someone who would at least want me around but I have all but abandoned those thoughts.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

The problem is you can't make him want you, and the more you press it the more he may withdraw.

If you still believe in your marriage then counseling is definitely the way to go to start off. However, it sounds like you are unhappy currently, and don't want to stay in this marriage if it continues this way, correct? Is your H aware that you are willing to walk away if things remain unchanged?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

How long is he gone at a stretch when he travels?


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## pineapple (Apr 9, 2016)

Do not alter your body to please him. It won't work. If you want to do it for YOU, that's different.

My H was the same way and it's been over 20 years. Nothing worked and I now think of how foolish I was. I tried everything from new hair styles, makeup, weight loss, lingerie, getting in bed naked, undressing him, new clothes (styles I wasn't even comfortable in), etc. You get the idea. We've basically been roommates our entire marriage. I've finally had my "I can't take it anymore" moment and am leaving the marriage. I deserve better. So do you!

Counseling (whether individual or marriage) can certainly help.

I truly feel your pain. I am so sorry you are going through this.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

LAlove said:


> I have a HD (7x week would be a dream) I'd settle for 2x week! lol .. and I think he's a LD.
> What's my next move..?


First off, don't have another child until this is fully resolved and you are happy. Second, I despise the idea of a spouse needing cosmetic surgery to maintain the attraction. That really bothers me. A loving spouse should love you for who you are and have acceptable you as you are. Your boob size should be irrelevant once married. Cosmetic surgery is something you should do for you and nobody else, IMO. However, there is a need to awaken him here. What about role playing fantasies? Is he into action movies or comic books? Maybe pick a female character and surprise him. Do you have any clue what aspect of you he finds less/more attractive? It could be appearance or actions (like dirty talk or not). Dominant or submissive. 

If you can't figure it out on your own, see a sex therapist together. Just make the appointment and tell him he's going.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

Wow is he missing out! I wish you the best and hope he can turn it around. But if not, you'll make some guy a very happy camper one day!


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

pineapple said:


> Nothing worked and I now think of how foolish I was. I tried everything...


Your H sounds like my wife. 



pineapple said:


> I deserve better. So do you!


YOLO


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Check what kind of porn he watches. It's very, very important.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Check what kind of porn he watches. It's very, very important.


I think that may be important. If the porn is impacting his desire, he needs to quit. But it may also offer insight into what does arouse him. But he's masturbating in the shower... no porn in the shower, right?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My wife spends several hours a night on her phone on Facebook. We have talked about it, and she honestly feels as if she is able to multi task, hold conversations and spend quality with me while on her phone. She is not. I have tried to start conversations only to end mid sentence, and then go do something else. She will ask me what just happened on the TV show we were watching "together" There is nothing nefarious going on as her screen is always in plain view, she does not have a passcode or anything, and I know what her passwords are. It is just a huge time sink. By the time it gets later at night, she'll put it down and start coming on to me. Most of the time anymore, I have no interest, and it wouldn't matter how much lingerie, makeup, roleplaying, and what not...I'm just not interested.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

wantshelp said:


> I think that may be important. If the porn is impacting his desire, he needs to quit. But it may also offer insight into what does arouse him. But he's masturbating in the shower... no porn in the shower, right?


Possibly, but you need to download those shower pictures from somewhere. 

I am leaning towards if he watches man on man porn...


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

wantshelp said:


> I think that may be important. If the porn is impacting his desire, he needs to quit. But it may also offer insight into what does arouse him. But he's masturbating in the shower... no porn in the shower, right?


The times are a changin ...










If he is spankin it solo and neglecting you, he needs to stop ASAP. Anything that directs his sexual energy away from you is unacceptable.

Along with @Herschel , I am wondering as well, any ideas that his interest may have swung to the other team?


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Herschel said:


> I am leaning towards if he watches man on man porn...


If that's the case, she could surprise him with a strap-on and offer to peg him.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
The problem is him, not you. He does not want sex - masturbating for release isn't the same, there is not contact with another person.

Please don't think about modifying your body in any way that isn't for YOUR health - exercise is fine. Larger boobs etc won't help. Besides, you are married, and plan to spend your lives together. You are not going to be young and attractive when you are 60 - but you have every right to expect him to still love you and be attracted to you.

Was he ever very interested in sex, or was he always LD? 

Even if he doesn't feel like sex (itself a huge problem) why doesn't he want romance? 




LAlove said:


> help i need some real answers from men..?
> We've been married for 6 yrs., sexually active for over 10 yrs, and it's def, been a sexless marriage for the most part. after I got pregnant he never wanted to touch me. even after my son was born we didn't have any sex for almost 1 year. now maybe 1-2x a month. I have a HD (7x week would be a dream) I'd settle for 2x week! lol .. and I think he's a LD,, but I don't really think that's 100% true because he does masturbate (thinking I don't know) but it's pretty obvious when he takes 30 mins. in the shower every day. It became clear that there was a serious issue and it was really getting to me. When we had a real talk he finally admitted and was honest, that he just wasn't attracted to me anymore,, for the past few years. Thinking back, I was the one who always initiated the sex, dressing in lingerie or I'd have to be the one to grab him first. (unless he was drunk) He never plans any romantic dates for me or ever buys me lingerie or anything remotely romantic that say's he wants me sexually. He's a good person in the aspect of being a provider for our family, and he's never cheated on me, He's never been the one to stray and I think we are good friends. He says he loves me and he finds be beautiful and he knows that other men would kill to have me but he just doesn't feel the desire for me like he did when we first started having sex. I know it's been a decade and I try to spicy things up. Using porn sometimes, I dress up, I actually like performing oral on him, I've even suggested a threesome and even asked if he would be interested in an open marriage or a "hall pass" but he hasn't given much thought to those options.. I just get frustrated because over all I feel like he's a selfish lover. He doesn't go the extra mile to please me or ever asks me what I would like. He just makes sure he gets finished and then goes to bed.
> 
> I'm just so lost on what I should do. I know I'm not perfect, compared to all the other LA HOT KIM Kardashian girls out here it's impossible to keep up. I know I need to lose more weight so I work out, eat healthy, do my hair, get waxed, wear makeup and I do keep up with the trends in fashion etc, etc, being a mom it's so hard to try to be a hot mom but I'm trying.. I know he would love it if I got a boob job and a tummy tuck but right now that's not financially possible.. But it just doesn't seem like it's good enough for him. Since he confessed his feelings or lack there of (February) (the month of our wedding anniversary) when we should of been happy and celebrating our 6th year,, instead I've just been confused and in tears and nervous of this being an end for us. He says he wants to work this out but since then he still hasn't made any effort to reconnect no special dates alone, no real commitment to continue working on the marriage. We both agreed to get counseling but we have to wait for that because of insurance purposes.. but would counseling really help if he doesn't even make any efforts to romance me now?
> ...


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