# He's always right, I always apologize



## Heeter23 (Mar 30, 2014)

I've been with my husband for 8 1/2 years now, married for 6.

We are both Leo's. I'm not very into religion or signs and all, but we are both very stubborn and passionate. I feel like since being with him, I've taken a back seat to the stubborn ness (one of us has to give in).

He's a lawyer. He went through law school while with me and LSATS and all. He became a lawyer and works for a great firm and has now for 3/4 years. 

He's a VERY good arguer and has the ability to convince you that you're wrong.

Don't get me wrong, when things are great, he's a wonderful man and a great provider (I'm a teacher). But when things are bad, they are bad (not physical at all). We love hard and we fight harder it seems. It's crazy. When we are good, we're so in love and everyone envys us. 

I'm currently 23 weeks pregnant with our first child. Over the weekend I went home to NY where my family suggested I make a post on facebook asking people if they knew of good Nannys, just to test the waters. My husband and I had discussed daycare, so I didn't think putting a status about a Nanny would be a different story, so I did. When I posted, he made a comment "??"...

So yesterday, we were going to get some dinner and he asked me if I posted looking for someone to stay at our house and watch our daughter, and why. I told him I was just exploring the options trying to do some research (to be honest I can't remember how it exactly came up)....from him saying STAY I thought he was suggesting I was trying to find someone to LIVE at our house. I told him that was certainly not the case that I was just looking for someone to watch her IN our house. He kept arguing with me about it, I kept thinking he thought I wanted someone to live with us. I told him a Nanny didn't have to be someone that lived with you. I don't understand why there he didn't realize that we were saying the same definition, but missing each other somewhere.

So I looked up the definition and told him it was someone to care for a child in your home. He started to get frustrated and raise his voice telling me that we never even talked about this and did I know how much this was going to cost and all these people are asking him about it and he has no idea what they are talking about.

So, at that point, I realized it wasn't as much about the definition but it was that he was also upset that I posted it without discussing it with him first. He said "we are having this baby together and you are making decisions on your own". It escalated (we were in the car). We pulled into the driveway and I finally realized that we were arguing the same point, but it seemed to late at that point. He said he was sick of me using words and making up my own definitions for them. I told him that I thought we had discussed the nanny thing as part of a daycare option as well....well that got him more pissed in him saying that now I was making things up in order to make myself right in the situation. I honestly didn't think it was a separate issue. I thought any part of someone or group watching our child was an option and we have been talking about it for a while. Perhaps not specifically the "nanny" word, but I wasn't trying to be maicious with my post.

He wanted to stay in the car and yell about it some more, I told him I did not want to sit in the car and be lectured and yelled at and that we could continue it inside (inferring calmly). He was pissed that I was deciding when to end it.... I just didn't want to be cornered anymore (it's usually me that wants to sit and finish, but at this point nothing productive was going to happen so I wanted to try to diffuse the situation.

His back has been spazing out so he grabbed a heating pad and sat on the couch. I approached him starting to tell him that I was sorry that I had made that post without talking to him. He cut me off and told me "oh no, you don't get to just decide when you want to talk about it, I'm done talking to you." so I said okay and left him alone. The rest of the night all I did was try to offer him help from his back, and he said he didn't need my help and wanted me to leave him alone.

Usually when we fight like this, he will sleep downstairs, but I'm pretty sure because of his back, he came up to bed and could hardly move (I'm sure the stress off the convo wasn't helping). He pretty much ignored me and in the morning I kissed him goodbye and he kind of shrugged away from me. The last thing I did was send him a msg from school saying "I love you and I hope you're feeling better".... he responded "When you say love or feeling, what do you mean? Are these the commonly accepted definitions or do you have an alternative one you want to debate about for a couple hours?". I figured anything I responded would not have been productive especially in the middle of the work day, so I didn't respond at all (which I don't do often since it's hard for me to hold back, but I know he feeds off of that).

He came home tonight, I made dinner, cleaned that house, just trying to move forward and he just seems stressed and pissed at me and doesn't want to be around me. After dinner he went into the front room and played video games talking to his friend on the headphones (for the 2nd night in a row).... I think he's doing it to destress, so I'm happy he's able to relax through all this. 

I don't know what to do from here. I guess I'm going to approach him when he's done playing video games and apologize so we can move forward. I'm okay with being wrong about things and taking responsibility/improve upon myself. Whether I actually improve, it seems not with these areguments. If you think I"m wrong or I don't know.... what would your advice be? It seems like a control thing for me with him.

Like, I wish he would realize "Oh well I said the word STAY which might mean stay over so that could be why she was confused about what I was thinking" or realize that I'm not trying to be malicious with the things I do, but that I make mistakes. He never really looks at situations like that. It's always him saying he doesn't want to be around me or to leave him alone or HE is pissed at ME. I don't hold a grudge for days, I want to move forward. I feel like if I don't say anything it might go on for another day. Not sure if I can handle that.... I need some sort of resolution. I thought he might talk to me after dinner. I asked him what he was doing and he said "putting ice on my back" and then walked into the other room, very short with me.

What would you do?


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## Heeter23 (Mar 30, 2014)

Sooo, I couldn't hold back. When he came upstairs, I asked him if I could talk to him. He said yes. I told him I understood how he felt about the post and that I was sorry I didn't discuss it with him first. He said:

That's great, but .... and then went off into a 5-10 minute rampage about how if I want to start making things up and doing things on my own I would be doing it literally by myself, that he's not participating in anything like that. He said we are not getting a Nanny, it would never happen, so I can research all I want. (he does the finances) - but he shouldn't talk to me like that and degrade me I don't think.

BUT, in order to move forward, I didn't say A THING. NOT ONE THING. I just let him go on his rant. Actually, in the beginning he started to raise his voice and I pointed out that I was trying to talk very calm to him, and he said he didn't care because he's very upset about this .... so he's talking upset ....

But seriously, I didn't say a word, just listened, let him get it out (maybe it would make him feel better). I wanted to say so many things but just knew it wasn't the right place or time. He was still too raw about it. I doubt I'd bring it up again thought. But seriously, just let him get it out uninterrupted. He stopped, got into bed, and I came downstairs to give him some space. I'll go back up in a moment (aside from the fact that I'm kind of hungry!).

I just hope now that he got it out he can move on. I do feel like a bit of a punching bag sometimes .... but I just don't know another way to handle him when he's like this. I'm wrong, he's right, and I'm insane/crazy (that was mentioned). I know it sounds awful, and as I said, when things are bad, they are bad. But when they're great, they are absolutely wonderful. So what do you do?

#takeonefortheteam


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

As a man, I do think you seem to be too nice. I think you need to get a little tougher and stand up to him. Perhaps you need to yell once or twice and not apologize. Here, I do understand his point that a nanny is a joint decision, and perhaps he is right but I get the sense he likes things his own way. 

The next argument you need to tell him, THIS IS NOT AN F-ING COURTROOM, WE'RE NOT HERE IN CIV PRO, WE'RE A COUPLE TRYING TO ADDRESS A PROBLEM AND YOU NEED TO START LISTENING.

You may say it is a great firm, but the large law firms are pressure cookers and perhaps he needs to find a way to relax and discompress. And that should come part with you as opposed to video games.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I think he overreacted big time. Still yelling at you the next day about a misunderstanding? Too much noise over a small thing. 

I feel for you about always giving in. My H too is very stubborn, and very proud. He hates to admit being wrong. I, on the other hand, am "the lawyer". I argue and debate, and one way or another, I do get him to see my point . But he rarely apologizes. Just like you, I'm the one who gives in and apologizes for the sake of peace. I can't stand to see him upset, even if I know I'm not wrong. I just love him too much. I get frustrated with myself for that, because he knows he gets away with certain things that other wives would stay mad about much longer. We need to" grow a bigger pair" , I guess. (In the case of our gender, of boobs  )


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

damn

how old is your husband, 12?

punch him in the nuts and tell him to quit being such a drama queen


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Your husband sounds like a "right fighter", someone who will argue endlessly over the most trivial thing until you acknowledge he is right. 

Why would he do this? I haven't met him, but chances are he's extremely insecure and his self-worth is tied to whether other people see he's right about things. When you disagree with him, he sees that as a personal attack, and he pulls out all stops to defend himself. Even if you don't see it as a war, that's how he sees it. And yes, it's a f**king unhealthy way to live. 

One way to fix this is to assert yourself. Walk away when he starts acting like a lunatic and discuss the issue with him later when he is more calm. You are 50% of this marriage after all. However, it sounds like you are not really up for that, so you should consider marriage counseling. I guarantee every MC has heard your same story a hundred times and they can help you both develop better skills for resolving conflicts.

BTW, this isn't just for your own benefit. You are about to bring a baby into this environment. He won't be arguing with your babies, but what happens when your son or daughter is 16, and argues with him, and won't simply back down the way you do? What happens then?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Your husband sounds like a "right fighter", someone who will argue endlessly over the most trivial thing until you acknowledge he is right.
> 
> Why would he do this? I haven't met him, but chances are he's extremely insecure and his self-worth is tied to whether other people see he's right about things. When you disagree with him, he sees that as a personal attack, and he pulls out all stops to defend himself. Even if you don't see it as a war, that's how he sees it. And yes, it's a f**king unhealthy way to live.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

You two are perfect for marriage counseling. This is exactly the kind of thing they can help couples with. Get a grip on this now, because communication, discussion and disagreement will not get any easier after the baby. You two need to be a team.

And, for pete's sake, why is he spending so much time arguing with a pregnant woman? Jeez, baby is going to be born all stressed out.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

daycare decisions for a new kid are very important to a dad.
when you decide to go back to work after having a kid is very important to a dad.
Making decisions, or even just having strong thoughts on it without in-depth discussions with him are naive and insensitive on your part. He is right to be pissed. Rethink this whole pregnancy...you seem to be in some sort of a daze about it.

It is not YOUR kid, it is BOTH OF YOURS kid


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If he felt it was wrong of you to post on facebook, that's his opinion and he's entitled to it. You should have apologized right away for making a mistake. That's what it was, an innocent mistake. If he starts yelling at you tell him that you don't yell at him when he makes mistakes. 

Most people spend too much time defending themselves rather than admitting mistakes.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

This communication problem you have needs to be fixed "NOW", before your child is born.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

He can't be perfect, that's impossible, thus, he cannot be ALWAYS right.

And you should never EVER "always apologize".

You only apologize when you feel and agree with him that you did something wrong.

AND he needs to as well!!! <<<<most importantly

I'm sorry to tell you this but TO ME, there is no worst person than one that ALWAYS thinks they are right. I live within 50 mile radius of NYC and let me tell you, we have TONS of people like that around.

"Can never do wrong" types

I stay far and CLEAR away from those people. They are simply unrealistic and COMPLETELY INCONSIDERATE!!!

Forget about "disliking" people like that. I HATE them with passion.

I would highly suggest you stand up to your husband. DO NOT let him treat you like a child. You are a grown woman capable of making your own decisions. he is not your father, he is not your dictator and you are in a relationship that SHOULD be balanced, not one sided.

STOP THE STEAM ROLLING RIGHT AWAY. 

He either treats you like an adult and works with you in harmony, or you tell him you are getting a divorce.

Best advice I can give you


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_I approached him starting to tell him that I was sorry that I had made that post without talking to him. He cut me off and told m*e "oh no, you don't get to just decide when you want to talk about it, I'm done talking to you." *so I said okay and left him alone. The rest of the night all I did was try to offer him help from his back, and* he said he didn't need my help and wanted me to leave him alone.*

Usually when we fight like this, he will sleep downstairs, but I'm pretty sure because of his back, he came up to bed and could hardly move (I'm sure the stress off the convo wasn't helping). *He pretty much ignored me and in the morning I kissed him goodbye and he kind of shrugged away from me.* 

He never really looks at situations like that. *It's always him saying he doesn't want to be around me or to leave him alone or HE is pissed at ME. I don't hold a grudge for days*, I want to move forward.* I feel like if I don't say anything it might go on for another day*. _

Welcome to the world of mental manipulation and emotional abuse. 

It usually gets worse over time.

I would love to tell you that counseling is going to help this but if this is how he talks to you, with so much contempt, and flicking you off like a bothersome fly, telling you when you can and cannot talk, ignoring you for days, telling you to leave him alone, ignoring you when you get home... unfortunately, these is more about his character. It's ingrained. He is disrespectful to you. 

Marriage counselling only works when both want the dynamic to change.

I have been with someone like this before. I had to get out eventually because I got tired of being treated that way. 

Sounds like a child.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And your thread title really say it all.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm gonna have to agree with Jelly here.

Even if he was to change (which is highly unlikely).....the damage is already done. What you have been going thru is something that will never disappear.

ALL under assumption that OP is not painting pretty picture and is being completely honest with us of course.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op, 

Your going to find this very exhausting. He sound like he's just a very disagreeable person to be around, all the way around, not a team player at all. Very much a bully on the playground, my way or the highway... 

~sammy


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm very sad for your unborn baby. She is absorbing all of his hateful crap.


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## Realitychecktoday (Jun 17, 2013)

Wow, that sounds like my husband. Self-righteous and low tolerance to stress. I'm curious how things have evolved, OP.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Heeter, 
Sad to say, but I believe I was much like your husband. Until my wife sat me down and explained that unless I changed she would be leaving. I really don't know why I acted like this other than to go with the old saying, "you hurt the ones you love."

Things are changing for your husband. Another person to feed, more responsibility and just plain change. Change is very difficult and some people just get angry and need to vent. You are basically his punching bag. In time, you will get very tired of getting beat up on and you will leave. Tell him what this is doing to you and your marriage and that it will not end well if he does not change.

BTW: I was at my worst after my heart attack. I took out all my frustrations on my family. Got some meds and came to grips with my problem. He CAN change.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

zombie thread


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> daycare decisions for a new kid are very important to a dad.
> when you decide to go back to work after having a kid is very important to a dad.
> Making decisions, or even just having strong thoughts on it without in-depth discussions with him are naive and insensitive on your part. He is right to be pissed. Rethink this whole pregnancy...you seem to be in some sort of a daze about it.
> 
> It is not YOUR kid, it is BOTH OF YOURS kid


Sadly that's not always the case.
And I'm sorry but "having strong thoughts on it" is naive and insensitive? I don't think so.
Adults have thoughts, some they share, some they don't. It doesn't make them insensitive, even when those thoughts are about the children.
A bit late to rethink the pregnancy.

But getting some counseling in now, before the baby comes will help avoid a ton of unintended miscommunications.

Most men I've encountered are a bit more empathetic when their wife is pregnant.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

IMO posting on FB looking for nannies itself is not a big deal, he could have calmly asked why you did that. Although you could also have said that you were not making decisions without him, was just that you were curious of other options but again, not deciding by yourself of course.

Also, it's not like you already signed papers or hired a nanny already. Doesn't make sense how it escalated that badly. But then it's hard for outsiders to get what's between you or how the conversation really went.

In any ways, being a doormat does not help. You are also pregnant and can't take all the stress. If he cares for the baby he should be told this.

You need to sit together and work on the communication. Don't apologize or assume you're wrong if you are not. I'm not saying that you should wave a war and not talk to him of course, but you can take initiative to talk to him without apologizing. And don't tolerate disrespect like voice raising. Walk away when he does that.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

Maybe post something on Facebook asking for marriage counselor referrals.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> _I approached him starting to tell him that I was sorry that I had made that post without talking to him. He cut me off and told m*e "oh no, you don't get to just decide when you want to talk about it, I'm done talking to you." *so I said okay and left him alone. The rest of the night all I did was try to offer him help from his back, and* he said he didn't need my help and wanted me to leave him alone.*
> 
> Usually when we fight like this, he will sleep downstairs, but I'm pretty sure because of his back, he came up to bed and could hardly move (I'm sure the stress off the convo wasn't helping). *He pretty much ignored me and in the morning I kissed him goodbye and he kind of shrugged away from me.*
> 
> ...



This x one million bazillion trillion. 

He is azzhole. He thinks his feces doesn't stink because he is a high and mighty lawyer. Yeah, okay dude.

I hope you work. You need to separate from him, and get counseling to figure out why you are settling for being abused.


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## Kerry (Jan 9, 2009)

He's creating a bunch of drama to keep you dancing and maintain his ability to control. He's putting you on the defense. it sucks, but you have to play by different rules... (Currently you're contributing to the drama too.)

Here's an idea - you don't have to be aggressive or harsh to be assertive. You just have to know that you have a right to ask what's going on. So, very calmly ask him, "What's wrong with posting on FB to check out how much nanny's cost?" (be exact about what you did an why). Then, stop talking. When he responds (probably in a harsh, judgmental way), just keep innocently asking things calmly.

Now, you can't be all snarky about it. Tone is crucial. Get your heart in the right place, which is knowing that you have a right to ask these things. Again, don't be resentful. Get grounded, commit to staying calm, and get to the truth about what about this has his boxers in such a knot.

This won't be the last time this happens, so lather, rinse, repeat until the dance changes.

HTH,
k


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