# Getting Engaged Then Ex Comes Back. What To Do?



## confused0000 (Mar 29, 2018)

What do you do when your ex of 3 years comes back after almost a year of no contact and you're about to get engaged and married to someone new?

My ex and I had the best sex life ever, but she had a lot of personal issues. Addiction, partying, lying, lack of integrity, etc.

She tried reaching out a few times over the last couple months but I ignored. Recently she wanted to grab a coffee and I agreed. Tells me she's changed, has sought help, and is ready to settle down.

All of this right after I bought a ring for my new relationship. 

The new girl is amazing, everything I could want in a long term partner, marriage, family, etc. The problem is, her visa is expiring and unless we get married very soon, she will be stuck in another country.

I care deeply for both women.

Any advice would be great.

Thx.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

confused0000 said:


> What do you do when your ex of 3 years comes back after almost a year of no contact and you're about to get engaged and married to someone new?
> 
> My ex and I had the best sex life ever, but she had a lot of personal issues. Addiction, partying, lying, lack of integrity, etc.
> 
> ...


The fact that you’re even asking this question makes it clear you are not suitable husband material. I could write a long spiel telling you what you should do but I have enough on my plate so I’ll just say this. 
Grow ****ing up!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Marry no one. Commit to no one.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It's always easier than it looks.

Do not go back to the addict. 

Do not get engaged to or marry the girl with the expiring visa.

Figure out what you do want, outside of the two bad choices you gave yourself.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Deejo said:


> It's always easier than it looks.
> 
> Do not go back to the addict.
> 
> ...


Also, do not get engaged to ANYONE regardless of their visa status while you are actively confused about whether or not you want to ... well, be married to them instead of your hottie ex.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Ask yourself... what would a 'real' man do?

I don't think he would take back a lying cheating EX just because she came crawling back.

Edit - I didnt even realize your other girl has visa problems... I WOULD NOT TRUST either of them....


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Let your rational brain work for a bit here. Is there really a question?



confused0000 said:


> snip
> Addiction, partying, lying, lack of integrity, etc.
> snip


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You're not ready. Back away from both.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

If you have to ask yourself this question, the new girl is not the one you should marry.

I would 86 them both.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

>Take them both?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Steve2.0 said:


> Ask yourself... what would a 'real' man do?
> 
> I don't think he would take back a lying cheating EX just because she came crawling back.
> 
> Edit - I didnt even realize your other girl has visa problems... I WOULD NOT TRUST either of them....



A "real" man would not have even responded to her, let alone meet up with her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

PLEASE let your current girlfriend go. She does not deserve to get engaged to a man who is contemplating going back to an ex. Please let her go.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

confused0000 said:


> What do you do when your ex of 3 years comes back after almost a year of no contact and you're about to get engaged and married to someone new?
> 
> My ex and I had the best sex life ever, but she had a lot of personal issues. Addiction, partying, lying, lack of integrity, etc.
> 
> ...


Don't be stupid ghost her. Don't be greedy. Remember the words of the great philosopher Sir Mick Jagger. "You ca't always get what you want but if you try sometimes you get what you need." 

Sex is not static, work on it with your current girl, you should be in the honeymoon phase if not now then when. You should be doing this anyway.

And after all that, if you can't do that then don't marry this girl because you are not in any place to do that. You are going to hurt her and she is innocent. Let me guess she doesn't know you want on this date with your ex right? Time for you both to have a talk. 

By the way the ex is only saying this because you are engaged and she can't have you. Come on man you know better. Girls like that are fun to hang out with for a short period of time when that is all you are doing but you don't marry them, and when you marry the right girl you stop messing around with girls like that. I mean you should be growing out of this. It's possible you are just not mature enough to be married yet. 

Marriage is the most serious commitment you will make in your life. Your girl is putting her life in your hands, you need to be man enough to handle that. So far if you are questioning then you are struggling.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

At this time you are not relationship material. Don't ruin yours and someone else's lives until you mature and figure out what you want in life.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP does your girlfriend know that you met up with your ex? I'm betting not.

No way in hades should you go back to your ex, but you shouldn't marry your girlfriend either, you're not in love with her, not if you're meeting your ex on the sly and asking which one.


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## Mrs.Sav (Mar 13, 2014)

Oh gee. Under no circumstances should you be getting married particularly when you still have unresolved feelings for your ex. You are clearly not ready. An ex who has lying and addiction issues and a gf with an expiring visa? There still needs to be a lot of growing up to do before making the decision to marry. You are not doing your gf any favors by marrying her if you had met with your ex and are now contemplating which boat to jump on. 

When your ex contacted you, did she know that you are now currently in a relationship? If so, that was a highly disrespectful thing she did. I’m also wondering why you have decided to finally meet with your ex after you have already turned her down a few times. How old are you, your gf, your ex?


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## confused0000 (Mar 29, 2018)

Mrs.Sav said:


> Oh gee. Under no circumstances should you be getting married particularly when you still have unresolved feelings for your ex. You are clearly not ready. An ex who has lying and addiction issues and a gf with an expiring visa? There still needs to be a lot of growing up to do before making the decision to marry. You are not doing your gf any favors by marrying her if you had met with your ex and are now contemplating which boat to jump on.
> 
> When your ex contacted you, did she know that you are now currently in a relationship? If so, that was a highly disrespectful thing she did. I’m also wondering why you have decided to finally meet with your ex after you have already turned her down a few times. How old are you, your gf, your ex?


Mid 30's / Ex mid 30's / GF late 20's

Ex did not know I was in a serious relationship. I met up with her because I felt like I was always waiting for that relationship to turn around, for her to get help and grow up. We had an on/off again relationship for 3 years and probably broke up/got back together at least 15 times. Looking back it was ridiculous how much I put up with, but I myself became addicted to the cycle of breaking up, making up, and the amazing sex. 

I guess it finally felt good to be on the other side of it with her chasing me and pining for me for once. 

I've thought about it long and hard, and as much as I'd like to believe things would be different this 16th time around, I don't think I can take that chance. 

I also don't like the feeling of being under pressure to marry my current GF with a time constraint. 

Life...such an adventure.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So cut contact with the ex, and break off your engagement. You are the only one in control of your life, do you really want to spend it doing things you either dont want to do, or that you are unsure of? Sounds to me like you need a reset.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

confused0000 said:


> Mid 30's / Ex mid 30's / GF late 20's
> 
> Ex did not know I was in a serious relationship. I met up with her because I felt like I was always waiting for that relationship to turn around, for her to get help and grow up. We had an on/off again relationship for 3 years and probably broke up/got back together at least 15 times. Looking back it was ridiculous how much I put up with, but I myself became addicted to the cycle of breaking up, making up, and the amazing sex.
> 
> ...


I don't know what country your GF is from, but if it's one of "those" countries (the know the ones I mean), then I would counsel you to not marry her period. Too many cultural unknowns, and her motivations are unclear. If however, she's from England, or an otherwise entirely desirable country, then continue on.

Regarding your ex... people can change, but they rarely do. Though there are exceptions. Maybe she's one of them, maybe she isn't. But I would invite you to consider that your relationship with her was so exciting, and the sex so great, because of how tumultuous the relationship was.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

BioFury said:


> *your relationship with her was so exciting, and the sex so great, because of how tumultuous the relationship was.*


https://talkaboutmarriage.com/newreply.php?do=newreply&p=19875355

:iagree:

This is exactly true, the sex was probably not that great but constantly being in a high emotional state and having make up set feels like it.


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## Mrs.Sav (Mar 13, 2014)

confused0000 said:


> Mid 30's / Ex mid 30's / GF late 20's
> 
> Ex did not know I was in a serious relationship. I met up with her because I felt like I was always waiting for that relationship to turn around, for her to get help and grow up. We had an on/off again relationship for 3 years and probably broke up/got back together at least 15 times. Looking back it was ridiculous how much I put up with, but I myself became addicted to the cycle of breaking up, making up, and the amazing sex.
> 
> ...


The relationship you had with your ex was very volitile and sounds a lot like a relationship I had when I was a teenager going into my mid 20s. The fact that you were on/off and broke up 15 times proves you are not ready for marriage. I hope you take the time to reflect on that and not move forward with either of the two women. You have no idea what your gfs intentions are and your ex sounds like a high risk to take. In addition, you also sound very lost and confused. I know it feels good to have an ex pine over you but it only hinders your future to be able to start with a clean slate. You have baggage and as long as any exes are still in contact with you (unless you have children together), you are not ready to move on. Do not let your need for attention from your ex override what is actually good for you.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Confused, a roll in the hay with the seriously damaged ex is not worth the trouble. And where have I heard of the girl stranded abroad somewhere who need help before? Oh sure. It was the same guy from Africa who wants you to send $2,000 to "process" your claim of $$$$ he will send you.


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