# Stuck



## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

My husband just started working third shift about a month ago and it's been really difficult on our marriage. It has also exacerbated issues that I thought we were taking care of in marriage counseling. I'm just so lonely all the time. He works 10 hour shifts (11-9) and works 35 minutes away. He sometimes doesn't get home until 10 because he is often asked to stay a little later and he usually leaves our house at 10 to make sure he's not late for work if there's an accident on the highway or whatever. Then he sleeps until 6 or so (reasonable) but then all he does is lay on the couch and nap until he has to go back in.

I understand that he's trying to support our family and I appreciate that. He had been looking for a job for a while before he was offered this one. He loves his job and I know that the shift he's on is taking a toll on him. I just feel like I'm on a constant emotional rollercoaster.

I've tried to talk to him about the way I feel and he wants no part of it. I've brought it up in counseling and he's said that he'll make an effort but I see nothing. It seems like the only time I spend any quality time with him is when he wants to have sex. Am I being inconsiderate?

I'm at a total loss at what to do. He doesn't like for me to hide things from him but when I try and tell him how I feel he completely shuts me out. The only time we ever make any "progress" is when we text. We've only been married since last July and already I'm having my doubts.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

What is it that you want him to do? Quality time? Does he have weekends off where you guys can spend some time together?

I wouldn't push it during the week when he's working the long hours. He's only started and needs to get into a routine, and is probably tired. Support him during this time. Hopefully things will ease up.

My husband used to work long hours from home now he has a site job where he's away for 3 weeks out of the month. I know how it feels to be lonely. Let him unwind. Don't make all your interactions negative or he will just shut you out. Find ways to occupy yourself during the week (I have a 4 year old so that's me done lol) and plan getaway's or fun things to do on his time off.

I'm not sure what other issues you had which might be adding to your feelings, but at this time when he's working maybe cut him a little slack and find your quality time outside of the working week. Sometimes just being on the couch with him or in bed after work watching a movie or talking is just as good.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

Gratitude, I think my biggest issue is not feeling heard. I talk my feelings out and I need quite a bit of affirmation. I just don't get the communication from him like I used to. It's like he expects a negative confrontation with me so when I try and speak to him in the way that I've been taught reduces defensiveness, it doesn't work. I've never been one to be able to stuff my feelings. Doing so affects me in other ways (usually physically) very quickly.

We do have weekend time together and I do cherish that time. I realize that my expectations are high sometimes so having a sounding board is incredibly important for me. 

Thanks for the advice.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband works 7am to 7pm. It's a long day with an hour commute both ways. So basically he's out from 6a to 8p. LONG ass days. I am home with the kids alone from 3:30 to 8. I take the kids to school. It's what needs to be done.

He sleeps a LOT and why shouldn't he? He's working 12 hour days  I work 7 hour days. Huge difference.

We do, however, hang out on his day off (Sunday) and on his random weekly day off after I get home from work. And we plan dates on nights he doesn't work the next day.

If I had his schedule, I would die. I really would. My husband doesn't complain either. It's amazing.

Your husband is working hard and probably HATES IT but doesn't want to complain because he is doing what he needs to do.

You are complaining though, so he feels like he's failing his family and it is eating at him. HE KNOWS HE IS BEING A LUMP. But he's TIRED.

Support him and serve him. That's what I do. Sounds 1950s, but my husband left me for some of the same things you're doing right now. The complaining and all of that. His words, "I was working my ASS off for OUR family and you just complained and betched about why I was always so tired or why I wasn't home yet." It makes sense. Yea, I don't like the long hours, but ya know what? Neither does he. And I bet your husband doesn't either. He doesn't need to hear it from you and you will just push him away.

I've been there.

I now appreciate my husband. I understand that he's tired. I'm tired from my 35 hours a week! I couldn't imagine 60 hours!  

Give the man a break. Seriously. Get off his back, text him encouraging texts throughout the day and just realize this is how it is RIGHT NOW. That doesn't mean it will always be this way.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Give the man a break. Seriously. Get off his back, text him encouraging texts throughout the day and just realize this is how it is RIGHT NOW. That doesn't mean it will always be this way.


Thanks that_girl. I think I'll do just that. Sometimes it takes a reality check like you just gave me to realize that it's not all about me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Good. Cause quite honestly, he DOES NOT WANT TO WORK SO MUCH. No one does. But he has to. And that's a bad feeling he probably has. He'd probably be happy to be home with you--- his wife  But he isn't cause bills have to be paid.

So when you bring it up, he gets irritated because he already knows, and believes, everything you say. He gets defensive because if he thinks about his long hours and how long he's away from home and the things that need to be done that he can't get to, all the sex he wants to have with you, the places he wants to go, etc, it will put him into a rage.

Hug him. Send him silly, sexy, loving texts, and stop betchin


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

^^^ I agree. I used to complain to my husband long ago about the lack of time together and he was just really tired. I was full of energy and wanted the communication and to feel connected, but I never took into consideration how HE felt. He was working for US. 

I know it gets lonely, but you have to find a way to deal with it. Because what he's doing is working for you. Not out drinking at bars or carrying on, but doing his job. He needs to feel appreciated and validated, not attacked that he's not doing a good enough job when he gets home.

Sometimes we get so caught up in how we feel and what we want that we forget to realise what our husbands are feeling and what they need.

I don't know any of your other issues as I mentioned before, but just dealing with this one - let him have his rest, look after him and spend time together when you can. You will connect a whole lot more when you're not cutting him down and making home a happy, relaxed place to return to.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

YES! Make it so he wants to be home.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My hubs is home by 8 and I have dinner ready for him. He hangs out with the kids til bedtime (8:30) and we hang out til our bedtime which is 10. lol Gotta find time!!


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

You know, a lot of my friends don't believe in the whole looking after a man thing. They are "independant, strong women" and think their husbands can fend for themselves. Well I'm an independant, strong woman but I found that being entirely focused on myself just didn't make for a happy marriage.

It's old fashioned, but I like to look after my husband. Why not, he looks after us. Yes I've worked, but he earns a lot more and does hours I wouldn't dream off - at the moment, 12 hour days, 7 days a week. 3 weeks straight. Ouch. When he comes home I like to cook, clean etc for him and make him feel special.

One thing I've always struggled with is he likes to be the "man of the house". The boss. And I never let him. He doesn't ENFORCE it, I handle and budget all the money and he still asks if he can spend anything, and he's not a dictator. But it was letting him make the decisions and basically just agreeing with him in words so he felt that respect. I would never give it to him. I felt like it was saying I was submissive, the 'lil woman' and just here to serve him. From being on this forum, it's opened my eyes to how guys think and what they need. He felt disrespected by my attitude. I still struggle with it, but he does everything for us. Treats us great. Provides and denies us nothing.

I've learnt that looking after him, letting him be the "leader" and not arguing or trying to take over, it doesn't make me less of a woman. It makes me show my husband that I respect him, which is what he NEEDS. He's not controlling or abusive. It's just what he needs from me. It makes my life easier to let go as well. 

Some women would disagree with me. Some want equality and I still think we are equals. But you know what, it's whatever works for your marriage. And sometimes it's hard even now to bite my tongue and stop battling him and being disrespectful or rude because I want to be in charge. I can disagree without cutting him down. I want him to feel appreciated, and I wasn't doing that. 

Anyway sorry off topic ....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm the same way. Tried it the other way. :rofl: Right.

Hubs isn't some 1950s guy. When he's home (days off) he takes care of the home and the kids and dinner (like today)  He's out fixing his car right now.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

^^^ Exactly. My hubs still dries the dishes or reads our daughter a story. He fixes all the stuff around the house. He's still involved. But I wouldn't ask him to do any of the cleaning etc. He does it because he "wants to". But what he wants most of all, from me, is to FEEL respected. I don't have to do anything specific. Just stop arguing with him. Trust his decisions. Boy, it's hard to let go sometimes! I've been on my own since I was 15. But that's what he needs, maybe not some other guys, but it's what he needs. And what does it take away from me to give it to him? Nothing. He's not demeaning or yelling, just asking me quietly to show him respect.

Wow today has been therapeutic. Sorry for hijack! My bad.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

Gratitude said:


> Sometimes we get so caught up in how we feel and what we want that we forget to realise what our husbands are feeling and what they need.
> 
> I don't know any of your other issues as I mentioned before, but just dealing with this one - let him have his rest, look after him and spend time together when you can. You will connect a whole lot more when you're not cutting him down and making home a happy, relaxed place to return to.


How do you not get wrapped up in your feelings? I'm really showing my inexperience here but I honestly just don't know how. I don't know how to not feel as strongly as I do. I don't know how not to communicate my feelings about things.

We have had communication and trust issues for awhile now. We started counseling over a rumor of an affair (I don't know whether it's true or false) that really affected the trust I had for him. He has the stereotypical male communication style (avoids) and I have the stereotypical female communication style (pursuer). Until, of course, something really affects him and then there's no way I can avoid or delay the conversation. 

I've never been in a healthy relationship so I don't know how to do "healthy" or "normal". I don't know how to just let things slide or back off until I've cooled down. That doesn't mean I can't learn.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

that_girl said:


> When he's home (days off) he takes care of the home and the kids and dinner (like today)  He's out fixing his car right now.


Hubs will bath our daughter, play with her and is very involved. He's a great dad. He'll make beds and fold washing and even vaccuum. But cooking? NO WAY :rofl: He'll cook the meat and make an omelette that's it. He says he "can't do it". I think he's just pretending hmmm .... Lol


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My stepdad "couldn't" cook until they divorced. Then magically he was an AWESOME chef :rofl:

Hubs is the bedtime guy.  Stories, snuggles and kisses good night. It's good.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

seesah said:


> How do you not get wrapped up in your feelings? I'm really showing my inexperience here but I honestly just don't know how. I don't know how to not feel as strongly as I do. I don't know how not to communicate my feelings about things.
> 
> We have had communication and trust issues for awhile now. We started counseling over a rumor of an affair (I don't know whether it's true or false) that really affected the trust I had for him. He has the stereotypical male communication style (avoids) and I have the stereotypical female communication style (pursuer). Until, of course, something really affects him and then there's no way I can avoid or delay the conversation.
> 
> I've never been in a healthy relationship so I don't know how to do "healthy" or "normal". I don't know how to just let things slide or back off until I've cooled down. That doesn't mean I can't learn.


It's HARD. I'm still learning. It's mainly about thinking, is this working for me right now? No? Ok then what can I change about myself. It's learning to let go. I sing that song 'Let it be' a lot in my head for motivation . Find some outside interests too so your focus isn't always on your relationship if you're finding it a bit overwhelming. Just try to think about what your husband needs from you too, not always just what you need from him. Compromise. Say to yourself "no complaining this week AT ALL no matter what." Make dates on weekends to reconnect. Just try and change things out of the rut.

The trust thing, I know. If it was a rumour and not founded, and in the past AND you've agreed after sorting through it to let it go, try and really let it go. If he's going to stuff up, he'll stuff up anyway. Don't waste all this time now worrying about it. You can't control the future or him. You can only control you. So change what you're doing and thinking, individual counselling, meditation, girls fun days out - just work on you for awhile. Life is supposed to be fun too. Find the fun and happiness with your husband again.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

seesah said:


> How do you not get wrapped up in your feelings? I'm really showing my inexperience here but I honestly just don't know how. I don't know how to not feel as strongly as I do. I don't know how not to communicate my feelings about things.
> 
> We have had communication and trust issues for awhile now. We started counseling over a rumor of an affair (I don't know whether it's true or false) that really affected the trust I had for him. He has the stereotypical male communication style (avoids) and I have the stereotypical female communication style (pursuer). Until, of course, something really affects him and then there's no way I can avoid or delay the conversation.
> 
> I've never been in a healthy relationship so I don't know how to do "healthy" or "normal". I don't know how to just let things slide or back off until I've cooled down. That doesn't mean I can't learn.


Don't act on the initial panic of "I gotta solve this right now!" Calm down and collect yourself before you address things.

Also, figure out what you need and what he needs to feel loved, valued and appreciated...and fulfill those desires. 

It is a learning experience, for sure. But I'll tell you one thing...the day I let go of my need to always be right, to always be in control, to always stroke my ego, is the day my marriage became awesome. My needs are being met and his needs are being met and we "get" it now.

"normal" is what you make it. I don't believe in normal. My marriage and my mindset work for us. I didn't lose anything in the translation when I stopped fighting for domination of the relationship. I learned to sit on my emotions (as I can be quite emotional) and look at things more rationally. And i stopped worrying about the small shet. The small shet will kill any relationship. Don't keep score, just do all things from love. Don't martyr yourself, just 'be'.

Do you have hobbies? Good friends (By that I mean, supportive of marriage and supportive of you and your marriage)? What do you do when your husband is at work besides thinking he should be spending more time with you?


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

that_girl said:


> My stepdad "couldn't" cook until they divorced. Then magically he was an AWESOME chef :rofl:
> 
> Hubs is the bedtime guy.  Stories, snuggles and kisses good night. It's good.


And then it's special story time for mummy  :rofl:

I have to admit though, hubs doesn't do much cleaning here with his new shift. Really, I'm here most of the time and after his long hours I don't expect him to come home and do the cleaning around here. He'll help out a bit because he wants to, but I don't expect it. He does all the maintenance work I've saved up for him though! :smthumbup: Lol


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

You say he just started the back shift recently so maybe his circadian rhythm is still a little out of whack and he's feeling tired and sluggish still.It takes longer for some people to adjust.You should see if he's sleeping properly through the day and if not maybe you can ask him if there's anything you can do to help.Just a thought.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Do you have hobbies? Good friends (By that I mean, supportive of marriage and supportive of you and your marriage)? What do you do when your husband is at work besides thinking he should be spending more time with you?


I don't have hobbies that require leaving the house. I never developed a passion for anything besides reading and watching movies. I think a lot of that has to do with fear. Fear that he'll do something with someone else while I'm gone. 

I'm also a college student. Summer starts soon and I hope to take advantage of my freedom. I do volunteer 7 hours a week and I'm looking forward to staring a part-time job soon.

We have his daughter half of the time and I'm able to keep myself preoccupied when I'm taking care of and playing with her. It's so easy to just stay in my comfort zone.

I also don't have any friends. And when I mean no friends -- I mean no friends. My family is supportive and that is helpful but it stinks not having good friends that I know will support me no matter what. I'm trying to build friendships but it's not easy.

When my husband is at work I'm sleeping . When he's sleeping, I'm trying to remain as quiet as I possibly can. Usually I'm home because I can't think of anything better to do.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, that's your problem. You depend on him for too much of your happiness.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Well, that's your problem. You depend on him for too much of your happiness.


Yep - he'll never live up to your needs and wants off him. You can't depend on one person solely for your happiness because sooner or later they'll fail you. If you find other interests, make yourself go out, you'll not only have a happier balance but you'll make yourself more interesting and someone he wants to spend time with. It's easier to give when you don't feel so much pressure.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

seesah said:


> When my husband is at work I'm sleeping . When he's sleeping, I'm trying to remain as quiet as I possibly can. Usually I'm home because I can't think of anything better to do.


There's heaps you can do if you find the motivation. Hobbies, drives, classes you're interested in. You need to push yourself. In the end the person who'll benefit the most is you.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Me and my wife were and are in the same boat.
Years ago I'd work 3:30pm to 2am,by the time I went to bed she was just getting up for work,the only time I saw here was on Sundays,its gotten a little easier now,I work 5:30am to 4pm and only do a 8 1/2 hour shift on Saturday,with the hour commute and working in a steel mill I'm constantly tired,plus there is always work to do around the house inside and out.I'm grateful my wife has been supportive,packs my lunch,does laundry and even back rubs when I'm sore.
She quit work 13 years ago to be a SAHM.
Now she is ready to go bac,k to work,so things will get better,hang in there : )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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