# miserable marriage



## allbymyself

I am 43, have 4 children, ages 18 months to 14 years, and have been married for 18 years.

I am miserable in my marriage.

First off, my husband never kisses me. He hid the fact that he does not like kissing, when we were dating. He pretended to like it and he did it before we were married. Kissing is one of the things I like most and so needless to say, the lack of it has left me feeling very unfulfilled. Even if he were to change his mind (which, obviously he won't) I have grown apart from him romantically because of this. I feel like he deceived me and I resent him for that. He never even hugs me or is affectionate in the least bit. I have no desire to be physical with him at all because of his lack of affection.

I find myself wanting out of this marriage. If it weren't for my four kids, I would get out in a minute. I was much happier feeling before I married him. Problem is, I am committed to this marriage because I know it would just destroy my kids' lives if we divorced. Believe it or not, the kids and my husband have no idea that I feel this way. 

I feel like time is slipping away and I am just going to die in a loveless marriage. I want a man who is affectionate and loving and likes to kiss.

What should I do? Maybe I should just have an affair???


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## 2Daughters

You know what sucks about your post?...I'm 100% sure my wife who is 36 was feeling the same way you do before she finally had enough and suddenly separated from me after telling me almost exactly what you posted...I even hate reading it because I'm sure your husband has no idea..I have 2 daughters 9 and 11 she would never hurt them purposely so I know she thought long and hard before making the decision..it had to of gotten to the point where she could never see herself intimate with me again...but you know what..I hadn't been attracted intimately to her for probably 10yrs...I didn't like kissing her anymore even though we used to kiss so much early in our marriage our families used to make jokes and poke fun at us..problem is I would have been miserable to this day in our marriage if she hadn't left...sure it was and still is hard on my girls but they seem to be adjusting...my wife makes good money enough to support the 3 of them,she planned it for awhile even opening her own bank account and renting a place a block from where I work so (I think) I would still be close to my kids before even telling me...I move into my own place 1st of June..I guarantee your husband feels the same way you do although he won't say a word about it..question is..are you going to go through 16 1/2 more years of being miserable or separating and taking a chance of being happy apart or even possibly after being apart have thoughts that maybe 1 day you might get back toghether (although I doubt it) especially if you are the one to do it first..good luck..wouldn't want to be in his shoes either way.


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## allbymyself

Well, he wants to be intimate with me. He thinks I am great. He laughs at my jokes, likes being with me, wants to wait up for me to come to bed with him but just has issues with affection. Maybe it stems from his loveless relationship he has always had with his own mother but either way, I am totally unattracted to him anymore. After being denied affection for sooo long, a person just loses the desire for that person.


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## 2Daughters

I kinda get the feeling someone just wants to see if the grass is greener...you need to tell him how you feel...be nice though.


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## allbymyself

and I need to add that my husband is boring, has no friends or hobbies, never wants to do anything fun as a family on the weekend, doesn't ever plan anything fun to do for vacation at Spring Break, isn't good at conversation, and this is just for starters. The one thing he is good at is being a committed husband (no cheating) but honestly, I wouldn't even care if he cheated at this point. Then I could at least blame a divorce on his cheating. I don't want to be the one to ask for a divorce because I just know he will tell the kids that I was the one who wanted it first. That's what his father did and it ruined the way he looked at his mother ever since. I can't stand being married to him anymore but I feel so trapped because of my children. I don't want to ruin their lives just because I am sad and lonely. Sometimes I just wish I would die. At least then I would be out of this situation that I feel is almost unbearable.


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## allbymyself

Oh trust me, I already KNOW the grass is greener. I just wish my grass was as green! LOL


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## 2Daughters

I thought I knew...once


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## allbymyself

2Daughters said:


> I thought I knew...once


so you feel divorcing was a mistake then?


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## 2Daughters

We haven't divorced yet but I have brought it up to her...I never actually thought the grass was greener but I thought the bush would feel different.


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## allbymyself

2Daughters said:


> We haven't divorced yet but I have brought it up to her...I never actually thought the grass was greener but I thought the bush would feel different.


MOVING RIGHT ALONG..... anyone else care to comment?


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## 2Daughters




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## bestplayer

allbymyself said:


> and I need to add that my husband is boring, has no friends or hobbies, never wants to do anything fun as a family on the weekend, doesn't ever plan anything fun to do for vacation at Spring Break, isn't good at conversation, and this is just for starters. The one thing he is good at is being a committed husband (no cheating) but honestly, I wouldn't even care if he cheated at this point. Then I could at least blame a divorce on his cheating. I don't want to be the one to ask for a divorce because I just know he will tell the kids that I was the one who wanted it first. That's what his father did and it ruined the way he looked at his mother ever since. I can't stand being married to him anymore but I feel so trapped because of my children. I don't want to ruin their lives just because I am sad and lonely. Sometimes I just wish I would die. At least then I would be out of this situation that I feel is almost unbearable.


so from your posts it appears you , never tried anything to let him know what you want him to do to make your relationship fulfilling while letting it continue to a point where you say even if he makes a effort now you dont want it anymore .

and now you want him to cheat on you just because you want to blame the divorce on him although its actually you who want it ? 
I would suggest you to be bold enough to ask for divorce & be honest enough to accept that you never tried to save your marriage because you didn't want to . 

u said your husband has no idea you feel this way so do him a favour , let him know that you have no desire for him & can't even stand him . He himself might be able to let you go .
Best of luck


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## allbymyself

bestplayer said:


> so from your posts it appears you , never tried anything to let him know what you want him to do to make your relationship fulfilling while letting it continue to a point where you say even if he makes a effort now you dont want it anymore .
> 
> and now you want him to cheat on you just because you want to blame the divorce on him although its actually you who want it ?
> I would suggest you to be bold enough to ask for divorce & be honest enough to accept that you never tried to save your marriage because you didn't want to .
> 
> u said your husband has no idea you feel this way so do him a favour , let him know that you have no desire for him & can't even stand him . He himself might be able to let you go .
> Best of luck


Maybe I didn't make myself clear... when I said he had no idea I felt this way, I meant he has no idea how much I want to leave him, deep down inside. He has no idea how much I wish I was with someone else who was fun. He knows what issues I have with him but he hasn't changed. You either like to kiss or you don't but he shouldn't have deceived me.


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## bestplayer

allbymyself said:


> Maybe I didn't make myself clear... when I said he had no idea I felt this way, I meant he has no idea how much I want to leave him, deep down inside. He has no idea how much I wish I was with someone else who was fun. He knows what issues I have with him but he hasn't changed. You either like to kiss or you don't but he shouldn't have deceived me.


so i am assuming you have already told him that he has deceieved you , is that right ? 

btw you sound too much committed to be with someone else than try to improve your relationship , so do him a favour be truthful let him know you have no desire for him & how badly you want to leave him , I am sure he will let you go .

Best of luck


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## allbymyself

bestplayer said:


> so i am assuming you have already told him that he has deceieved you , is that right ?
> 
> btw you sound too much committed to be with someone else than try to improve your relationship , so do him a favour be truthful let him know you have no desire for him & how badly you want to leave him , I am sure he will let you go .
> 
> Best of luck


yes, that is right. I've told him several times.

If I was really more committed to being with someone else, I wouldn't be here now would I? I've been in this marriage for 18 years! I'd say that is pretty committed to THE MARRIAGE. But a person can only take so much and so I do find myself wishing I was not married anymore. I'd much rather be alone than be married. I'm not committed to being with someone else in ANY WAY whatsoever. Just sick of this loveless marriage, that's all.

And, he will not let me go. I've already asked him if he's be happier without me. His answer was a resounding "NO". I wish he wanted to get divorced as well. I don't want to be the bad guy in my kids' eyes and I know he would make me out to be that if I left him. His father did that to his mother and he poisoned him against her for life by talking badly.


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## allbymyself

And I wouldn't let me go if I were him either. I cook, clean, pay the bills, do the taxes, fix anything that goes wrong around the house, am very conscientious with regard to our finances, am a stay-at-home mom who's been nothing but devoted to my family. What would he do without me? I do it all around here.


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## ddindiana

Allbymyself I herd a marriage counsler say, If you think the grass is greener on the otherside, maybe you need to water your own yard.


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## allbymyself

ddindiana said:


> Allbymyself I herd a marriage counsler say, If you think the grass is greener on the otherside, maybe you need to water your own yard.


Well, the grass definitely needs watering but it takes two and one of us is not doing their watering.


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## sisters359

If you feel you have tried to communicate with him and he's made no effort to change, then it isn't your "fault" any more than it is just his "fault." Get some counseling, alone or together, and see what happens. When you say sometimes you want to die rather than remain married, things are bad. They won't get better if you don't do something. Tell him, we start marriage counseling at such and such a time. I don't know if it will work; I have no desire to be with you after all these years of no affection and no response from you to my need for affection. Let's see what a counselor says. Be there, or I will take it that you do not want to remain married either. Then, YOu go to counseling with or without him. If he's all gung ho b/c he doesn't want you to leave, great--but bottom line is, if he's ignored your expressed needs for years, you may not be able to get past it.

I was in a similar position and chose not to do counseling b/c I knew it wouldn't make a bit of difference. I was repulsed by him. So, I read about what helps kids get through divorce, made sure my ex read the same stuff, and then we divorced. He was a good enough man to put the kids first (most of the time, anyway) and it's worked out just fine, one year in. I cannot say it didn't upset them, but they have had a lot of help from each of us and we are learning to muddle through. They get more quality time with each of us now b/c we don't take time with them so much as a given when we have to divide it. I didn't anticipate that, but then I didn't realize how much I was avoiding our house--with or without the kids--to avoid my ex before the separation. Anyway, I understand and I know an affair is not the way to go b/c that is going to trigger all sorts of awful stuff in your H and will make "putting the kids first" much more difficult. Good luck.


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## allbymyself

sisters359 said:


> If you feel you have tried to communicate with him and he's made no effort to change, then it isn't your "fault" any more than it is just his "fault." Get some counseling, alone or together, and see what happens. When you say sometimes you want to die rather than remain married, things are bad. They won't get better if you don't do something. Tell him, we start marriage counseling at such and such a time. I don't know if it will work; I have no desire to be with you after all these years of no affection and no response from you to my need for affection. Let's see what a counselor says. Be there, or I will take it that you do not want to remain married either. Then, YOu go to counseling with or without him. If he's all gung ho b/c he doesn't want you to leave, great--but bottom line is, if he's ignored your expressed needs for years, you may not be able to get past it.
> 
> I was in a similar position and chose not to do counseling b/c I knew it wouldn't make a bit of difference. I was repulsed by him. So, I read about what helps kids get through divorce, made sure my ex read the same stuff, and then we divorced. He was a good enough man to put the kids first (most of the time, anyway) and it's worked out just fine, one year in. I cannot say it didn't upset them, but they have had a lot of help from each of us and we are learning to muddle through. They get more quality time with each of us now b/c we don't take time with them so much as a given when we have to divide it. I didn't anticipate that, but then I didn't realize how much I was avoiding our house--with or without the kids--to avoid my ex before the separation. Anyway, I understand and I know an affair is not the way to go b/c that is going to trigger all sorts of awful stuff in your H and will make "putting the kids first" much more difficult. Good luck.


Well, thank you for that advice. Yours was the most helpful yet.

I've thought about counseling but in all truthfulness, it would only be a waste of money because I know it wouldn't change a thing. I married a broken man and now our marriage has suffered because of it. My husband is very kind but I just have NO attraction to him whatsoever. Divorcing just seems like such an unfair thing to do to my kids. I really feel like if anyone's going to pay the price for my bad marriage, it should be me because I was stupid enough not to get out before any kids came along. I love my kids so much and I feel like it is so unfair to do to them. The problem is, they also suffer when they are party to a family that has a mom and dad who simply co-habitate together and don't really love eachother. I mean, what kind of an example is that for them? They always ask why we never kiss eachother or hug eachother. It makes me hate my husband when they ask that.


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## bestplayer

allbymyself said:


> And I wouldn't let me go if I were him either. I cook, clean, pay the bills, do the taxes, fix anything that goes wrong around the house, am very conscientious with regard to our finances, am a stay-at-home mom who's been nothing but devoted to my family. What would he do without me? I do it all around here.


well I really dont understand how someone with self-respect doesn't let his partner go if the partner has already said she feels no attraction for him no matter how good she is at taking care of faimly .


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## allbymyself

bestplayer said:


> well I really dont understand how someone with self-respect doesn't let his partner go if the partner has already said she feels no attraction for him no matter how good she is at taking care of faimly .


Well, I'm not sure how much self respect he has for himself (one failed business attempt and numerous bad business decisions that gravely affected our family) but I do know that his parents were divorced and he never really got over it. I think he just doesn't want the same thing for his own children, that's all. I really can't blame him; I don't either.


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## lola_b

allbymyself said:


> Well, I'm not sure how much self respect he has for himself (one failed business attempt and numerous bad business decisions that gravely affected our family) but I do know that his parents were divorced and he never really got over it. I think he just doesn't want the same thing for his own children, that's all. I really can't blame him; I don't either.


Going through failures takes a toll on many men, he probably doesn't feel like a man and are you sure you're not putting him down in any ways because of this (ultimately making him feel even worse...purposely or not)?

He could be depressed and when you're depressed you don't love yourself and it's hard to show love to others. If he never got over his parent's divorce and has been carrying around this extra baggage for years, he may need some counseling. 

I think you need to explore all of your options before totally throwing in the towel.

I know how it feels to give and give and never receive and then ultimately be told that my husband doesn't want to be married anymore...and for no reason really.


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## calimom82

Do you think staying in your marriage is better for your kids? Even though it seems resentment is just building as the years go by? 

I have a sister that is in a bad marriage and she to doesn't want to divorce because our parents divorce had a bad impact on all of us, it was worse for her though.

It is my own opinion (I told my sister the same) that it's not always good to remain in a marriage for the kids. Like I said earlier, resentment starts to build over time and I wouldn't want a life like that for either me or my kids. Life is too sort. That's just me though. 

I do agree with the above poster though, explore all of your options, maybe you two can come up with some compromises? 

I wish you luck in your situation.


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## allbymyself

lola_b said:


> Going through failures takes a toll on many men, he probably doesn't feel like a man and are you sure you're not putting him down in any ways because of this (ultimately making him feel even worse...purposely or not)?
> 
> He could be depressed and when you're depressed you don't love yourself and it's hard to show love to others. If he never got over his parent's divorce and has been carrying around this extra baggage for years, he may need some counseling.
> 
> I think you need to explore all of your options before totally throwing in the towel.
> 
> I know how it feels to give and give and never receive and then ultimately be told that my husband doesn't want to be married anymore...and for no reason really.


Yes, I think those failures took a toll on me and on our marriage. He made some horrible business decisions - ones I never would have thought he would make and had it not been for me, we probably would have had to declare bankruptcy. I think it forever changed the way I think about him. I have lost the respect I once had for him. For being a finance major, one would think he could make better business decisions.


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## allbymyself

calimom82 said:


> Do you think staying in your marriage is better for your kids? Even though it seems resentment is just building as the years go by?
> 
> I have a sister that is in a bad marriage and she to doesn't want to divorce because our parents divorce had a bad impact on all of us, it was worse for her though.
> 
> It is my own opinion (I told my sister the same) that it's not always good to remain in a marriage for the kids. Like I said earlier, resentment starts to build over time and I wouldn't want a life like that for either me or my kids. Life is too sort. That's just me though.
> 
> I do agree with the above poster though, explore all of your options, maybe you two can come up with some compromises?
> 
> I wish you luck in your situation.


Yes, I think it is better for the kids. I would actually be happy if we could agree to just live our own separate lives while living under one roof. I'd be okay with us both seeing other people. Even better would be to secretly divorce but still live together until the kids were all grown.


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## GoDucks

Interesting read! At first, I thought we were really similar, but not really, as I get into it.

So, he is trying -- in everything but the kissing, right? 

I wonder... Given that he's had failures that you have had to help clean up, and you are clearly in charge of the home... Does he see you as a motherly figure to him?

Getting over that, and back to natural attraction is something for counseling, I would think. As I am interviewing them now, things like "helping couples find the spark" is their taglines. This has to be the sort of stuff they do. I have to imagine that he wasn't intentionally deceitful when you were dating... Just seems peculiar to me.

The other thing it feels like you're under estimating is the power of the history you have. I have been married 12 years (together 15+), and when I'm down (like now), the history and the kids are what keep us working on it. It's certainly why he drags his rear to counseling!

I realize it isn't fun - we aren't having fun lately, either... However, we're headed into counseling.. Hoping we re-find the reason we started dating in the first place. And, y'know.. Being nice like we were then (but I digress. lol).

Best of luck! Don't give in too easily. I know you have hung in for a lot of years, but it reads a little like you are just d-o-n-e, and it's all about the kissing.


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## Harvard

When 2 people get divorced they aren't divorcing their kids. Your kids will get over it, I know I have been there and today they are happy I am NOT Happy. They see their mother they see their father and life goes on.


If it were me I would not stay with someone that doesn't like to be intimate with me, thats just stupid. We all have one life to live before we decide to eith be buried in a box or turned to ashes...enjoy your life before it is too late. :scratchhead:


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## allbymyself

I had a talk with my husband last night and he wants to work on things. If they don't improve, he says we can consider other options.


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## iamnottheonlyone

Counselling!! Have you tried it? You may find it helpful. What do you have to lose. You are going to stay. Is he just going to be your roommate?


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## madcatwoman

allbymyself said:


> I am 43, have 4 children, ages 18 months to 14 years, and have been married for 18 years.
> 
> I am miserable in my marriage.
> 
> First off, my husband never kisses me. He hid the fact that he does not like kissing, when we were dating. He pretended to like it and he did it before we were married. Kissing is one of the things I like most and so needless to say, the lack of it has left me feeling very unfulfilled. Even if he were to change his mind (which, obviously he won't) I have grown apart from him romantically because of this. I feel like he deceived me and I resent him for that. He never even hugs me or is affectionate in the least bit. I have no desire to be physical with him at all because of his lack of affection.
> hi
> 
> When I read this post is sounded just like the situation I am in and I have come to the conclusion my husband has Aspergers syndrome. I have been married for 30 years and my husband was affectionate for about the first five years. Then all affection stopped. I have tried many times over the years to talk to him about it but he refuses. He still wants to have sex but struggles to kiss me and it makes me feel used. He also has no friends and no interest in socialising. When we do go out with my friends or family, he drinks too much to I think to help him with his social awkwardness. I only thought about the Autism/Aspergers because my son was diagnosed with it about 10 years ago and I now realise that many members of my husbands family are the same. I find them cold and a bit odd. None of them have any friends or any inclination to do anything. We are now in our early fifties and I feel very sad and lonely. Both my children are still at home and I would feel bad leaving my husband no. He is a good man and I know he cannot help how he is but I want to travel, socialise and have a bit of affection and I know I will never get this from him so the marriage will not survive. Aspergers may be something yo might want to look into as it might explain alot of the behaviour your husband has. Good luck with your future.
> 
> QUOTE]


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## pitylady

"But a person can only take so much"

I totally agree. I am in a similar situation. I am married for 25 years. My husband has no affection to me starting about 15 years ago. It started with one sex per month to two per year, and none right now. He did not kiss me and no huge at all.

Emotionally, I am very unfulfilled. Now, another bigger problem exist in our life. He is not a very responsible person. He did not work and bring home any money for 10 years now. I cannot take it any more! I have two children, 20 and 14. I am at the point I want to leave. 

But not like you, that you prefer stay alone. I want a man, wanted very badly. I want to be cared, loved. I just cannot be alone. The biggest reason I kept this marriage is afraid not able to find a man to spend rest of my life.

You can see my post.


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## bc100201636

i am in saudia arabia . makkah , 27 year old male . i wanna marry here but secret, any female who want partner can contact me .should be less then 45.......


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## happy as a clam

Marriage counseling, ASAP. Find a counselor who can help him with his hangups regarding intimacy and affection.

If no improvement, I would get out. I was in the same kind of marriage as you (affection-less husband) for 20 years. I got out. I am in a long-term relationship now with a SUPER-affectionate man who makes me happy in all ways. I can't believe I stayed in an unhappy situation for so long.


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## happy as a clam

bc100201636 said:


> i am in saudia arabia . makkah , 27 year old male . i wanna marry here but secret, any female who want partner can contact me .should be less then 45.......


I really think you should take this to a dating website, not a marriage forum. Good luck. By the way, I'm almost 49, guess I'm too old?

:rofl:


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## Omar174

bc100201636 said:


> i am in saudia arabia . makkah , 27 year old male . i wanna marry here but secret, any female who want partner can contact me .should be less then 45.......


Borat, is that you? Looking for sexy time?


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## EleGirl

allbymyself said:


> I had a talk with my husband last night and he wants to work on things. If they don't improve, he says we can consider other options.


While it all sounds very dire right now, this can be fixed if the two of you work together. Yes you can even regain things like being attracted to him, respecting him, etc. 

MC is a very good idea. On top of that get the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Read them together and do the work the books say to do.

Keep in mind that if you get a divorce, you will need to get a job. So this might be a good time to start looking for work. If you need to go back to school.. look into that.


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## PBear

4 year old zombie thread opened by horny young man...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird

You dont need a reason to divorce, you can just do it. Dont blame your kids for staying. You would leave if you really wanted too, I used to say that all the time. Id leave if I didnt have kids.. you just are not ready yet. It took me 5 years to be ready to leave. I am leaving in august an moving in with a friend of mine...


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## TryingTilda

Don't have an affair. You will only compound any stress you have; plus you will be dragging other people's lives into the mix of your problem. I empathize with you. Find a counselor. Hang in there and focus on your kids. Make some strides to change things; there are resources everywhere!


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## wasted2muchtime

Wow, allbymyself, old post but how did things turn out? I'm at that point myself.


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