# What if I can't heal?



## RoeMP (Jun 17, 2018)

What if I can't heal. I was married for 22 years, we have one daughter 25 years old who is estranged from both of us. I'm divorced for 4 and a half years. I filed for the divorce because he drank a lot and worked a lot . He wasn't around for me or my daughter the way we needed him to be. We fought A LOT, but I never stopped loving him. Not loving him wasn't the issue. I just couldn't take the fighting and the drinking and my daughter saw and heard a lot.

We weren't even divorced a week and I felt like I made a mistake and for the last 4 and a half years I tried to tell him so. He comes over a few times a week. My mom lives downstairs and they were close. He helps her, and me. He takes food home and does his laundry here.

He has a girlfriend now for about 3 years out of the 4 and a half we're divorced. What's so hard to live with is the fact that I wanted to try again and he didn't. I wasn't perfect in the marriage either and because I love him, I want to change the things I know upset him, but he doesn't care to at all. I don't know whey after 22 years of marriage and 4 years of dating that I can't get a second chance. Knowing he is with someone else all this time is devastating to me and I can't get over it. Why would he throw away the love we had, the daughter that we need to get back? How can he just move on with someone else. 

I am never going to get over it. I go out with people, but no one makes me forget him, no one. No matter how nice.

I feel that I'd rather be dead then live this way. I'm a good person and willing to do anything for him and he just don't care. I can't live feeling this way every day. Life is meant to live and be happy . Life is meant to share with someone you love and who loves you. Without that , there is nothing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You cannot move on because he's still in your life. You need to talk to your mother and tell her that he cannot be around. Or maybe you should move away from there so you don't see him anymore.

What have you been doing for yourself? What have you done to start living a new life and move on?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

RoeMP said:


> What if I can't heal. I was married for 22 years, we have one daughter 25 years old who is estranged from both of us. I'm divorced for 4 and a half years. I filed for the divorce because he drank a lot and worked a lot . He wasn't around for me or my daughter the way we needed him to be. We fought A LOT, but I never stopped loving him. Not loving him wasn't the issue. I just couldn't take the fighting and the drinking and my daughter saw and heard a lot.
> 
> We weren't even divorced a week and I felt like I made a mistake and for the last 4 and a half years I tried to tell him so. He comes over a few times a week. My mom lives downstairs and they were close. He helps her, and me. He takes food home and does his laundry here.
> 
> ...


What if you can't heal? Well, best not to think about what if's, since no one knows what the future holds in store for us. 

It might be best to stop seeing him. He is enabling your depression by coming over and reminding you of your hurt. I'm not saying he is talking about it. I think just him being there is going to remind you of things better left alone. 

You can't look to forget him. Each love is different, so you don't know what the next will be like. It won't be like the last one. 

I would like to encourage you to get into some counseling. It will help you.

Just in case it gets too tough, SuicideHotlines.com - When You Feel You Can't Go On -- Let Someone Know Your Pain.

hang in there. sometimes it takes a hell of a long time, but you will eventually feel better.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

You will heal once you give yourself permission to do so. With this permission comes the desire to let him go. I agree with the previous response that you need to separate yourself from him. There is too much gray area when an ex is heavily involved in your life. You will never allow yourself to move on if there is even an ember of hope that you will reconcile your relationship. If you can even allow yourself just 6 months of not seeing him, I am sure you will begin to notice a difference. Or perhaps even begin with 1 month if 6 seems impossible. During that time, focus on rebuilding your confidence, make yourself uncomfortable and get outside of your "normal". It is within this space that we find the most growth and discover more about ourselves than we thought could exist. Once you build that identity, you will realize that you won't cling to the what ifs anymore. I 1000% support the previous advice for counseling. It helped me a lot to just talk through my fears and substitute positive self talk for the negative. Surround yourself with supportive talk and absolutely reach out to someone if your thoughts about death being a better alternative are true. Those demons are the voices that ring loudest, so it is always better to fight them back with as much support as you can find. I wish you the best of luck!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The reason why you are not moving on and l healing is because he is always round there. If he has a new partner why is he coming round at all? Surely a man of his age can do his own washing????? 

IF you want to have a life, then you must stop all contact. Each time you see him its opening up the wound again. So you need to make a decision. Remain in this state or tell him to stay away. Your mum doesn't need him to keep coming round, she has you upstairs.

IT may even be best if you moved right away from him and have a fresh start.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You divorced him for good reasons. He has been with someone else for 3 years. He doesn't love you.

You need to wrap your head around the reality of what was a bad marriage, and what is, and move on.

I agree with every other poster who said that you need to stop having contact with him, because seeing him only prevents your moving on.

Your mother is going to have to agree to keep him away, or you need to move out into your own place, so you don't have to see him when he goes to your mother's.

Find a good counselor, and start working on your codependency issues. Start by reading the book, Codependent No More.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

You don't have a choice........you must heal. Every person here has had to adapt and heal. You will too.........


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Healing is something you have to actively do. That means when you have thoughts that "he is my only path to happiness" you force yourself maybe even say to yourself, "That's not true that's bull****!" But you have to actively do this meaning you have to want to do this. 

The truth is he is NOT your only path to happiness. He doesn't seem to be any path to happiness to you. He has moved on, holding on to him only brings you sorrow. Work on getting that, because that is the truth. But also work on getting the fact that just because he isn't doesn't mean someone else can't be, or at least someone can't bring just as much happiness to your life. You want to be with someone who WANTS to be with you. 

You are believing a lie and that is why you are stuck. There is a whole new life out there for you, quit being afraid of it and go out and get it.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You will never forget so don't focus on that. You need to focus on your life now and how to proceed. I got over my ex fiancé by dating other girls until I found one that I fell in love with. We are married 46 years. I remember that the first time we had sex I called out my ex fiancé's name during my orgasm. I apologized and she was very understanding. I have learned that the best way to get over someone is go get under someone else and that is how I went on with my life. It has been 48 years and I still remember my ex fiancé. We even talked on the phone and were Facebook friends when I still had an account. She still loved me and had kept everything I ever gave her throughout all those years. Yet we both went on with our lives.

I also suggest that you see a Psychologist who can help you with your problem. I have seen a Psychologist in the past and currently seeing a Psychiatrist whose wife is a talk therapy Psychiatrist. Their help has made my life wonderful. My wife's best friend divorced her husband for the same reason as you. The last straw for her was when she came home early and her husband and the baby were not there. She found him in his favorite bar with their baby.

She felt the same as you. My wife handled this very differently than most would for a friend. She asked me to have sex with her friend who had not been with a man since her divorce 8 months ago. I did and she cried after her powerful orgasm. She felt loved again. We were all close friends since our early teen years and considered her as family long before that night. For the next 30 years she maintained a relationship with me and my wife. She still cried at times when one or both of us told her how much we loved her. She eventually found a new husband but maintained her relationship with us. Her husband was OK in sharing her with us. 

The point is not how we did it, but rather how finding new love can make you happy again. We live far away from our girlfriend now but keep in touch and still love each other. I remember when she thought her life was over. She had everything she wanted; a kid and a marriage to her high school sweetheart only to see it destroyed. We provided her with what she needed to get well again even if some may disagree how we did it.


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