# Elle magazine on sexless marriages



## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Sexless Relationships

I don't know why this showed up as a link a few hours back, perhaps because I'm spending too much time here, but it seems a lot of us, even the youngsters, have a sex life that is awful.

NPR recently reported that marriage rates are falling.

September 28, 2010 ... Marriages have been declining for years due to rising divorce, more unmarried ... say younger people are also now increasingly choosing to delay marriage as they ... 

Recession Rips At U.S. Marriages, Expands Income Gap : NPR


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

From the Elle Sexless article.

Concerning no sex drive:



> Before they got married, she confronted the situation. “I told Scott he’d be better off with someone who enjoys sex,” Kathleen says. “He told me, ‘I’d rather be with you and never have sex for the rest of my life than not be with you.’ ” Five years on, she believes he’s been true to his word.


So we see exactly the "nice guy" scenario played out in all the dismal glory. 

Concerning affairs:



> The common assumption, of course, is that someone’s going to cheat. Twenty-six percent of the married or partnered participants in the Georgia State study had been unfaithful. In Natalie’s case, ironically, her husband wasn’t the one who strayed. A month after they returned from their honeymoon (“We had sex twice. We had to. Otherwise it would have been too pathetic”) she found herself entangled with a married man, feeling something she had all but given up on: turned on. Big time. “When you don’t have sex for a while, it’s almost like your body forgets what it feels like. I thought I just wasn’t a sexual person anymore,” she says. The affair, though brief, proved otherwise. “It was like you introduced a bunch of chemicals back into my body. I felt like I was on drugs, like a 13-year-old, as if I could just lie around feeling that way all day,” she says. “It was really, really fun. And very difficult to resist.”


So we see very much spelled out the fog of the affair, which we know on this forum is indeed just as the addiction of a drug!



> The affair woke her up to something else, too: The fact that her low sex drive was a symptom of a bigger problem. “Getting married is an inconvenient way to find out someone isn’t right for you,” she says. They’re trying therapy, but she doesn’t seem very optimistic.


Again just this, for all good men and women who are still not seeing this, just because a man is not lighting the fire in his woman, does not mean around the corner will be the affair man to light it up in her absolutely!

Do not be content with sexless relationships!

Do not assume to be married to an "assexual person" that has "changed" over time! 

These are illusions and lies we are telling ourselves. 

To stoke passion and sexual fires, it is for the good man and woman to embrace the structures of sexual attraction!

As the man strives to dominate, the woman strives to be dominated! To ignore this, is to live our lives as nothing but gender neutral roomates. Who wants that? NOt me! 

So all good men and women reading this, learn to embrace confrontation, to use conflict and confrontation to bury this resentment in our relationships and replace resentment with the fire of sexual passion!

Good men and women, do not be content to be miserable!


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

BBW -

I quoted the parts of you message I whole heartedly agree with. The parts I left out are also germane, mostly from the article.

I've found your posts to be more than useful, I'm a nice guy but I'm not putting up with a lack of truly joyous, intimate sex for much longer. I'm moving out in November, this half life is not enough.

Mark



BigBadWolf said:


> From the Elle Sexless article.
> 
> Again just this, for all good men and women who are still not seeing this, just because a man is not lighting the fire in his woman, does not mean around the corner will be the affair man to light it up in her absolutely!
> 
> ...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I read that stuff and feel sucker-punched. I lived it.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay - BBW, here you go. 

So how, do I as the woman who is being denied sex from her husband change it - you're posts are all about the men and dominating, etc. What if the shoe is on the other foot? Now of course you know from my previous posts that we have other issues going on (medical).

But how do I TAKE BACK THE REINS? I'm already dominate - I'm already calling the shots and its not working...he is dominate also (when he needs to be) and I've been trying to give him back part of his pants that he gave me a long time ago.

But I - as a woman - HOW DO I GET WHAT I NEED? Now of course I can't get any advice on the medical part unless you've lived it, but what else can I do that I haven't already done.

I've done:
- Attractive - weigh what I did when we got married - he's even said I'm pretty - so not the issue.
- Have dominated, role played - have the dress up outfits (hell even got a wig so I could be someone else).
- Do the toys, do the movies, the whipped cream, you name it.
- Even got into swinging so it wasn't the same ole', same ole'.
- Asked him what he wanted and am doing it when we do have sex.

Still have issues - so what the HELL is the problem. He does have medical issues (some ED), but I don't think that's the whole story - so what am I missing here - I'm desperate and willing to listen to anybody on anything at this point - I'm beating myself to death here!


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## BlueMoon21 (Oct 8, 2010)

Been living this one for almost 2 years now following an always-unstable and mostly non-physical 18 year relationship, 15 years of marriage. I had to chuckle over the 'asexual' woman in the article who commented that they had sex twice on their honeymoon because otherwise it would have been 'too pathetic'-we didn't have sex at all--I was secretly glad he was so drunk he fell asleep after the wedding. Now THAT'S pathetic with a capital 'P'. 
I believe there have always been other reasons than love driving people to marry--money seems to be the most common, but it was not mine. If you had asked me then if I loved him on the day we wed, I would have confidently and boldly said 'YES'. 15 years later, though, I can clearly see that he married me to avoid co-habitating with family members, and I him because he treated my little boy very well. Fast forward to now, add time, age, stress, body image, hurts, resentments, alcohol, food addiction, and all the rest (and I'm just getting started here), and you know deep down inside that it was never really solid at all, your house of cards. I think the only reason we are still here is because of our youngest. So we smile, we eat together, we go to soccer and basketball games, and there's the occasional watching of a movie. Neither of us is motivated in our jobs, our home, each other or ourselves. As far as I'm concerned it's a waiting game, and I often wonder which one of us is going to leave.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Gosh BlueMoon21, that was depressing.

I realize it's your life - but girl, you have to get a new one - life is too short for that crap.

My only really BIG issue in my marriage that I see now is the sex part and some of that is medical in nature - if that could get solved - I'd be on top of a mountain whistling dixie!

If I felt this way about my husband, I would leave and I would hope he would leave if he felt this way. 

I can honestly say I love my husband as much, or more than the day I married him and would I do it over again - YES. Now I can't answer for him, but this is how I feel.

I hope you reach out and find the happiness that has alluded you even if it means leaving the marriage. You don't want to be on your deathbed and think about "what you didn't do" - you want to reflect on "what you've done."

I'll be thinking about you...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

"But I - as a woman - HOW DO I GET WHAT I NEED?"

That is the rub. You don't. Not from _this_ man. You are left to decide if the qualities and benefits of your relationship outweigh the damage wrought by his lack of desire. 

I got there - and decided to move on. So did she. She rediscovered 'the spark' with someone else. I actually sent her the link to this article.



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay - BBW, here you go.
> 
> So how, do I as the woman who is being denied sex from her husband change it - you're posts are all about the men and dominating, etc. What if the shoe is on the other foot? Now of course you know from my previous posts that we have other issues going on (medical).
> 
> ...


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I thought the article was great and fairly honest. There is no magic bullet or secret potion. Be open, honest, have the hard talks, work together towards common goals and dreams, and yes talk about sex too.

My wife isn't the aggressor and never will be. Except for the 17-22 years I don't think she ever has been. Ya know at that age you're like a bunny:smthumbup:

There is a big difference between being the aggressor and having sex vs your spouse being the aggressor and having sex.

My wife is 95% willing to satisfy my advances in one way or another.........her being the aggressor that locks the door because *she wants sex*......that is rare.

Be open, honest, and communicate!!

As far as the "spark", "hot steamy", it's very hard to keep that for any length of time. It doesn't mean sex isn't fun and awesome, but sex for 20 years just won't invoke the feeling of "A piece of strange" as a guy friend of mine puts it. That goes for anything with life we become accustomed and acclimated to whatever is. That's when logic has to override emotion.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

OhGeesh said:


> That's when logic has to override emotion.


That is the very concession that many people make, in order to rationalize a sexless relationship. I did, for years.

If only the low libido partner would employ the same strategy to keep their partner feeling engaged and healthy, this forum wouldn't be quite so full of "my partner doesn't want sex." posts.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

^^^^^^^
That's where the communication part comes in. I guess if you have those hard talks about needs, wants, desires, short comings, insecurities, on a gut wrenching level and there still isn't change. Someone is being very selfish!!

I'm sorry you had to go through that.......


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

That which does not kill us ...

We make choices, we muddle, we move forward.


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## redcatcherb412 (Oct 8, 2010)

As a man in a 42 year marriage that now has no intimacy at all left in it, let me tell you it can be a hell on earth. After we seperated and she lived with another guy she met online off and on for 4 years. Coming and going at random (yes, I kept accepting her back, my bad). Now the last 4 years she tells me I forced her to do what she did and things can never be the same. Do I love her, of course, am I 'in love with her', probably not anymore. She is in failing health and I feel bound to take care of her, but living in a now 7 year almost emotionless marriage after 35 years of a wonderful marriage, I find myself wanting some female companionship and affection. So probably this makes me a husband looking for an affair and labels me a cheater. I don't know what to do. I will not divorce her, she filed 3 divorces in the 4 years she was gone and cancelled all of them. Any suggestions ?, anyone else in this boat ?. How do you cope ?


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

I'm in a different boat, I'm 61, useful parts seem to be 17, my wife is 58, we've been together "only" 26 years and used to have a good marriage.

After two lousy years w/o real intimacy she has finally listened to me and wants to stay married on her terms.

A friend died this past summer, pushing me over the edge of realizing that my life could end tomorrow, making this even more real, I was rear ended Monday afternoon due to the actions of a truly evil man.

I'm fine, but I will no longer cater to my wife, she can be with me when I move, most days I don't want her to, she can stay in our beautiful, almost completely remodeled house in a boring town 65 miles NE of Times Square and live her life having made some choices that suit her.

I'm going to assume your wife, despite failing health, may have a number of years left, if her end is coming a lot sooner, please disregard the following, I know it sounds uncaring and you are clearly another "nice guy".

I hope you are in very good health, as you must be in your mid 60s, I urge you to separate physically, you can continue to care for her from a distance, at this point your boat is going under, her multiple divorce filings, her words, her actions a strong indicator that you should live a life with real companionship. Being with my wife these days is sometimes worse than living alone, I don't want to die in these circumstances, and want to find real friendship and love. 

As for me, I just confirmed plans to rent an apartment in San Francisco in mid November.

The boats we are in are definitely leaking, as a non-believer in eternal life, I'm steering towards the nearest beach, hoping there are no large rocks in my way.

Good luck,

Mark






redcatcherb412 said:


> As a man in a 42 year marriage that now has no intimacy at all left in it, let me tell you it can be a hell on earth. After we seperated and she lived with another guy she met online off and on for 4 years. Coming and going at random (yes, I kept accepting her back, my bad). Now the last 4 years she tells me I forced her to do what she did and things can never be the same. Do I love her, of course, am I 'in love with her', probably not anymore. She is in failing health and I feel bound to take care of her, but living in a now 7 year almost emotionless marriage after 35 years of a wonderful marriage, I find myself wanting some female companionship and affection. So probably this makes me a husband looking for an affair and labels me a cheater. I don't know what to do. I will not divorce her, she filed 3 divorces in the 4 years she was gone and cancelled all of them. Any suggestions ?, anyone else in this boat ?. How do you cope ?


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## redcatcherb412 (Oct 8, 2010)

That is too eerie, I am 61, her 58 but we met at 17/14 yrs old and married in '68. She has Emphysima and COPD, on nightime oxygen. Recovering from colon surgery this year. And yes, I feel I have to take care of her after virtually our whole life together. I miss just the companionship and just plain affection we had, that is all gone. My hugs or snuggling is met by remarks of 'groping' like I am a perv on an elevator and it is disheartening. I don't know if I have it in me to do what you are doing at this point, but best of all to you. Oh, and by the way guys, the biggest mistake I ever made was trying to be open and to 'communicate' to her my feelings a month or so ago and described our current relationship in my eyes as 'Housemates'. I have barely recovered my hearing from the yelling and screaming at I got for that one.




ThinkTooMuch said:


> I'm in a different boat, I'm 61, useful parts seem to be 17, my wife is 58, we've been together "only" 26 years and used to have a good marriage.
> 
> After two lousy years w/o real intimacy she has finally listened to me and wants to stay married on her terms.
> 
> ...


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Talk about coincidences, I understand you will stay with your w, but will point out my mother had similar health issues *and* lung cancer *and* cancer of the larynx. She lived until she was almost 90, my father dying about 8 years before her. 

My wife has worked in a nursing home for many years, statistically hardly any disease can't be treated, the median age of residents is in the high 80s, I recall the median age upon entry is around 84.

Besides saying thanks for your good wishes, I can't say more than I hope your wife wakes up soon and realizes how fortunate she is to have you as her husband and returns your love as best she can.





redcatcherb412 said:


> That is too eerie, I am 61, her 58 but we met at 17/14 yrs old and married in '68. She has Emphysima and COPD, on nightime oxygen. Recovering from colon surgery this year. And yes, I feel I have to take care of her after virtually our whole life together. I miss just the companionship and just plain affection we had, that is all gone. My hugs or snuggling is met by remarks of 'groping' like I am a perv on an elevator and it is disheartening. I don't know if I have it in me to do what you are doing at this point, but best of all to you. Oh, and by the way guys, the biggest mistake I ever made was trying to be open and to 'communicate' to her my feelings a month or so ago and described our current relationship in my eyes as 'Housemates'. I have barely recovered my hearing from the yelling and screaming at I got for that one.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

For the woman who wants more from her man, Deejo is right on the money.

Understand my posts, directed at the good men on this forum for their actions and for their responsibility, because that is the way it is.

For a woman, yes she can do the things to make sex possible, but it must be in the mettle of the man to light her fire, else there is not the connection and sex in this way is mostly just going through the motions. 

Double this if there are years of heavy resentment, as resentment is the opposite of sexual attraction.

And if the man is thinking, over years of religious training or feminist fearing or some other indoctrination, that he must be and act and behave a certain way and no more, again only if within himself will it be possible to move deliberately through these smoke and mirrors to find his own bliss, in his own strength, leadership, and dominance, to pursue the things he desires but is now in him he denies himself, and therefore denies his woman, the things that would indeed be lighting sexual fires.


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## Lonelywyou (Nov 12, 2010)

The article actually made me very mad. The title is completely misleading; it should have been something like "Yet another article about "frigid" women", as if there's something wrong with women (or anyone) that don't want to have sex on a daily/weekly basis (I think there's nothing wrong with how often you want it, so long as you're with someone who's got the same idea). Specifically, what bothered me the most is that it was literally, all about women who don't want to, or have no desire to have sex. There are plenty of women who love having sex often, but are with men who want nothing of it, and yet there is no mention - as if it‘s only women who are “broken“!!

Btw: I am new here (hello!), I found this forum by doing a search on relationship & marriage forums, so that I could discuss this very subject, since my husband's sexual interest has dwindled to an apparent stop, while mine is still very alive. We met online over 4 yrs ago and are into our 1st year of marriage after dating for 3 years.

Just about everything you posted in your first post of this thread MarriedWifeInLove, applies to my marriage.

My husband is healthy, his testosterone tests (2 in 2 years) have been normal, he still gets erections (I notice them when he sleeps, and he's even told me erections aren't the issue), and yet, we've only had sex twice since our wedding, which wasn't consummated until the 5th month into it. Before we got married, we would have sex regularly during our visits, until the 3rd year. He came over for 3 weeks and only had sex once. This raised a flag for me, so we started talking about it, and he said his lack of interest comes in waves. Now it seems permanent.

I've thought of so many reasons why a healthy young man could lose interest. I'm not attractive, the thrill of a new relationship is gone, I'm getting too old, I'm mothering him, we spend too much time together, I don't take good enough care of myself, we're too buddy-buddy, he's always been asexual, he's gay, he's demi-sexual, he's a pedophile, he's been sexually abused as a child, he's a murderer, he's got a fantasy he's too ashamed of, I'm a horrible lover, he's got a severe nutritional deficiency, his testosterone is being blocked by something, he's got cancer that is too small too detect, he's being poisoned from work-related chemicals, etc.!

I don't know what to do. I love him so much, and we've only just begun our marriage - why on earth would I think of leaving him just for sex?! Yet, he knew from the start I have an appetite. I don't want to have sex with anyone else but him, yet he makes no efforts to "fix" his "problem" or to find out what's keeping him from craving it. It angers me that he does nothing, even when he sees it's killing me - but then what if he was abused, and is just not ready to deal with it, and when I bring it up, it sets him back?

I don't know if I can live like this for the rest of my life, but I love him so much; in almost every way, he's the perfect man for me. Does sex out-weigh everything else when it’s lacking? He might as well be my gay-best-friend, since we spend all our time together, and cuddle, but no sex. I feel like I’m molesting him when I try to get frisky, which he promptly asks me to stop. - but he 100% denies being gay. I’m not homophobic, I’d like to think I’d be a safe person to tell if he was. 

Oi, this was a long post, my apologies. I hope some good can come out of it, if not for me then someone else. <3


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Lonelywyou said:


> I don't know what to do. I love him so much, and we've only just begun our marriage - why on earth would I think of leaving him just for sex?!


Because despite the fact that lots of people scrunch up their nose at the baseness of the idea, sex remains the core reason for a man and woman to be drawn to one another in the first place. As you said, take it out of the equation, and you aren't lovers, you're 'buddies'. It is a fundamental need, and your partner isn't meeting it.

Welcome to the forum.


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## naples (Feb 11, 2011)

I see so many posts where it's the woman that is not interested in sex but in my marriage it seems to be shared equally between us. I'm 45 she is 50 and we have sex approx once or twice a year.

Our back story could fill pages and pages of the web so I won't go into it much; suffice it to say that NOTHING has been easy for either of us. But, we're still here.

Currently, we live in a two-bedroom apt with our two kids; a teen boy and girl. The kids get their own rooms and my wife sleeps in the bed with our daughter. I sleep on a couch so there's absolute zero alone time at night. Obviously, we're struggling, so days off are spent hurrying to cover bills or finding work (i do some independent contracting along with working a full time job) and it just seems that time slips by and the next thing you know it's been 6months. Then, she brings it up and it becomes all my fault as to why we never have sex and I get all defensive and it becomes the north pole (brrrrrrr) between us.

For my part, I do admit to myself that I'm as attracted to her sexually as when we first got married though I do love her. Also, the last few times we did, I preformed poorly and maybe it was lack of attraction, performance anxiety or maybe something medical. I don't know, but that's now in the back of my mind. I've always been EXTREMELY shy about talking about sex, the whole nuts and bolts of feelings and relationships and all that (though not about talking "sexually) So when she wants to have "the talk", I clam right up, unable to really speak whats on my mind.

Not too sure where I was going with this post, just wanted to be able to express this somewhere, I guess. How to I get over this inability to "share". How do I (or we) get past my lack of attraction?


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Red Catcher, you should think about yourself more. You're taking care of her and she's mean to you. I'm very pro-marriage but she needs to change her ways----and you need to have some fun! Good luck!


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## s0medude (Jun 10, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Because despite the fact that lots of people scrunch up their nose at the baseness of the idea, sex remains the core reason for a man and woman to be drawn to one another in the first place. As you said, take it out of the equation, and you aren't lovers, you're 'buddies'. It is a fundamental need, and your partner isn't meeting it.


The second I mention sex to my wife, she gets that super irritated look on her face and I get mad because I'm the only one initiating the sex. She's done it maybe once in the last year for my birthday, and even had the gall to tell me that what she was about to do to me (which was outstanding) was one of my b-day gifts from her. Umm, it shouldn't be a "gift." 

I've told me wife recently that I think of her more of a roommate than a lover and wife, and it doesn't seem to do much. Any other ideas on how to nicely communicate that to a woman without getting blasted by her? I try talking about this stuff and she hates it.

_FYI - I am currently starting the thermostat approach, where I'm hot and will try being colder to her since she's freezing cold._


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah you really have to wonder what went so far off the rails in all those mother daughter talks when she was entering puberty then her teen years. I've got to think that the single biggest problem with all women is their mothers. What the hell were they telling their girls?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Yeah you really have to wonder what went so far off the rails in all those mother daughter talks when she was entering puberty then her teen years. I've got to think that the single biggest problem with all women is their mothers. What the hell were they telling their girls?


Unfortunately, I don't think it matters so much what the mother says anymore, as pre-teen and teen girls seem to listen to their peers now more than their mothers.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why would their peers tell them to be chaste, difficult, high maintenance, brooding and mean? Are girls really that awful to one another? Wow no wonder you're all a mess.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

What saddens me about my situation is that it's so typical of everybody elses. Started hot and heavy. Got married and only had sex once on the honeymoon (huge red flag). Then had a child and it went from once every month to about 1 in 2 years. No exaggeration. I've begged, pleaded, seduced, ignored, flipped out, threatened divorce, asked for councelling etc etc etc. Nothing has worked.

Soon to be 33 and I'm not going to be in my 60's and still be complaining about the lack of affection. I'm at the point where an affair is extremely appealing to me but it isn't in my character. So I may leave.

I wish I could do as BBW says and ignite the passion within her. Get her to feel desire for me again. Maybe it's a mixture of being extremley tired from full time work and the kids/lack of sleep and resentment towards me for not helping out enough. But if that's the case I wish she would just divorce me and call me a bad father. It's better than this torture. My blue balls have blue balls.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Wow no wonder you're all a mess.


HEY! lol:moon:


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## pakmenu (May 24, 2014)

What would she say in the yelling and screaming? again that you're a perf even thinking about sex on your age?


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Why would their peers tell them to be chaste, difficult, high maintenance, brooding and mean? Are girls really that awful to one another? Wow no wonder you're all a mess.


We're not all like that. Those just happen to be the behaviours that many men reward and select for. So that's what they end up with.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

The original post for this thread is four years old. Please open a new thread if you want to start a new discussion.


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