# Dilemma between STBXH and In-laws



## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

I didn't know who else to ask so I'm bringing this question to TAM. I'll try to keep this short.

I spoke to my STBXH's grandmother (GIL) a couple of days ago. Her birthday (she's 81) was on the 4th, so I called to wish her a happy birthday. Out of all of my in-laws, she has been the most receptive, supportive, and loving towards me throughout my marriage. And, the feeling is mutual as both sets of my grandparents have passed away.

My MIL has a really bad case of Parkinson's--she can no longer care for herself (eating, bathing, etc.)--and she isn't doing well at all. I think that she has lost the will to live (she's 64), which has only made matters worse. My FIL works 6 days a week--for whatever reason, he won't retire and take care of his wife...but that's another thread--so the majority of care for my MIL falls on the shoulders of my GIL.

Whenever I see my GIL she is obviously tired, drained and fatigued. And she made mention to me a few days ago that she and the rest of the family are generally unhappy. I think a lot of the unhappiness comes from the breakdown of my marriage. However, since my STBXH has pretty much isolated himself from the in-laws, he no longer provides the moral and physical support to my in-laws that he did prior to our separation. 

I spoke to him about this (against my better judgment) and he shut me down claiming that he "sees his mother once a week on his off days", but other than that "because he doesn't have a car", he has no way to get to his parents' house. 

Now, we live in the 3rd largest city in the US. We have subways, commuter trains, and buses which all provide access from his current residence at posOW's house to his parents' house. His excuse is invalid. He just doesn't want to take public transportation. 

Not only has he used this excuse about his mom, but he also used it as the reason he can't (or won't) see his children (14 and 9) more often. 

I have been wondering if I should contact one of STBX's best friends about the situation. STBXH obviously won't listen to me, but he might heed encouragement to "do better by his family" if it comes from his best friend. 

I know this is the savior mentality trying to fix the situation, but I just feel so bad for my GIL and MIL, especially since he is only an hour away from his family via public transport. 

So what should I do? Leave it alone and stay out of it or contact the best friend?


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

Stay out of it.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

Thanks, C&J. I figured you would say that.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

I agree.. you have no control over how he interacts with his family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

ImStillHere said:


> Thanks, C&J. I figured you would say that.


Takes a rescuer to rescue a rescuer.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Ultimately now that your family has been ripped apart, how he treats his family is none of your business. However, how you treat his family IS your business, and if they are receptive, and you are willing, then you still have them as family, and can do your part.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Ultimately now that your family has been ripped apart, how he treats his family is none of your business. However, how you treat his family IS your business, and if they are receptive, and you are willing, then you still have them as family, and can do your part.


I agree. But therein lies the rub. 

I have offered help when and if they need it. But I don't think that my GIL wants to "bother" me with this situation as I'm sure she feels that it's not my responsibility. 

And, I'm still torn about doing more at this point since I'm trying to properly detach from the family. Maybe once the D is final I can just be there when needed as a concerned family friend without the awkwardness of the separation/divorce.


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