# Just do it!



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I read a lot about the alpha / beta thing here.

I would say my H has always been a beta, and I wanted him to become more of an alpha. Not overpowering his true self, just speaking his opinions more, taking charge of things that are important to him more, telling me what he wants, things like that. I know you can't make someone do this and my previous tactic of just asking him for change didn't work, and wasn't well received. (No matter how I phrased it, he took it as an insult and and became more withdrawn which is opposite of what I wanted. )

So I started thinking less about what I wanted him to do, and more about things I could do for him that were maybe outside of my comfort zone. I was looking for a gesture of good faith and something that might show him that I am willing to work on my faults too.

My husband is not a very vocal guy and I have to listen closely and observe and really tune in to understand what he wants in our relationship. One thing I knew he complained of was that I am not affectionate enough. And I admit it is true (I have even made threads about it before). It just doesn't come naturally to me. So I began to challenge myself to be more affectionate. At first it felt awkward and forced on my end. But I kept it up because I wanted to show him I was trying. His first reaction was "what are you up to?" Not really understanding the sudden change. I kept quiet and just consistently kept it up. Soon it became habit and a lot of the awkwardness fell away. Then eventually it changed from habit to feeling more natural...I craved his touch like he had always told me he had been feeling, I finally had true empathy.

Once the affection was in place smoothly, I began taking it to the bedroom. Nothing crazy, but making sure we didn't go through any long dry spells. My biggest complaint was always that my H never initiated. I didn't understand why. We would easily only do it 1-3 times a month when it was only on my terms. I made sure to start at least once a week. Again at first he was a bit suspicious, but just like the affection it became habit. And then after a few weeks the habit blossomed into a true desire, an awakening on my part.

Then I began to notice something. His attitude in general was changing. He was happier, he was less stressed out, he began opening up to me more, he started taking charge a bit more and he just seemed a lot more confident. He began flirting with me...we haven't done that in years! He started complimenting me more and talking of future things to do together. I realized that indirectly, without ever having to bring it up in a conversation, he was slowly becoming the alpha I wanted him to be. He also began initiating sex and really taking charge in the bedroom which I LOVE. 

The other day he came home and TOLD me that he was going to be going to a baseball game with the guys after work one day this week. I know that sounds crazy, but he actually told me - no hemming or hawing, no asking for permission with his head down, no "...if its ok with you." Statements. I was shocked and elated. I know that sounds weird but he had confidence and there was no BS, just a simple statement not to expect him home for dinner that night. I did a double take like who is this guy?! 

So here's my point. I wanted to share my story because at least for the moment I genuinely feel like I have unlocked the solution to a problem that has been plaguing us for years.

I would absolutely say to anyone who feels like their other half wants too much sex...just have sex with them. Take the lead, put in some effort and stop complaining, and see where making the first move as a good faith gesture gets you. I am a very verbal, take charge kind of person and was beating my head against the wall dealing with a guy who retreated anytime I tried to discuss a problem. I changed my approach 180 and for the first time shut up, listened, and was patient and I feel like we are finally getting back to where we need to be. I gave my husband the sex and affection he needed, and I am seeing benefits that reach much farther than the bedroom.

We are still a work in progress but we are having sex 5-7 times a week. And I genuinely want him all of those timed, it is not duty sex. I never believed any married couple who claimed to be having that much sex, I thought t was unreal. Now here we are, I never thought this would be us. I hope we can continue thus!

I feel like we we're caught in a negative cycle before, each of us speaking a different language and not communicating effectively. I tried to talk it to death, when my husband needed affection/sex to hear what I feel. Now inadvertently I am feeling like we are in a more positive cycle where doing things for each other and pushing ourselves out of our respective comfort zones is feeding energy for each of us to take it farther. I know that I am able to be more genuinely turned on when he's said a few nice things to me that day or flirted with me a bit.

There's no reason not to take ownership of your own faults and work on doing something for your spouse, even if you feel like they have a laundry list of faults they need to change. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Great post, my wife needs to read it! It is funny though, when your wife makes you feel wanted and lets you enjoy her body whilst she enjoys yours, it changes your outlook for the better out in the real world, and puts that spring in one's step!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Kudos to you and that's awesome news about your relationship. I hope this continues and both of you maintain a perfect balance for both of you in all of the areas you described. Positive stories are so nice to read around here.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Jimbob82 said:


> Great post, my wife needs to read it! It is funny though, when your wife makes you feel wanted and lets you enjoy her body whilst she enjoys yours, it changes your outlook for the better out in the real world, and puts that spring in one's step!


I wish there was a way to truly let women understand the full impact of sex on a man, especially mentally and emotionally.


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## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

I did the same thing about 6 months ago, and then found the Alpha/Beta thing only about a month ago. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time but I knew it was working. Then I found the MMSL and realized why. 

My life is so much better now and my DH is so much happier, outgoing, interactive and engaged with me. Marriage and sex are the best they have ever been. Focusing on me changing my behavior and attitude were the key. 

You are onto something, girl.

p.s. just to edit: it wasn't ALL about the sex with us. just about me being more attentive to his other needs like being validated, being a man, having someone who cared about him and listened to him, etc. the sex was always good but adding these others were the key. so just FYI: it's not just "add sex", you gotta have the other stuff too I think!!


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

I infer The Love & Sexual Introverts have finally become Dynamic and Mutual in their Expressions and Executions...Lovingly Apt.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Out of curiousity, but how much 'effort' is it for a woman to have sex if she's just 'not in the mood.' Some women seem to make it sound like having sex when they aren't in the mood is akin to doing chores or something. Is it really difficult to get in the mood for your man? I know all womena re different, but I'd like to get a few women's perspective on the issue.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

kag123 said:


> I read a lot about the alpha / beta thing here.
> 
> I would say my H has always been a beta, and I wanted him to become more of an alpha. Not overpowering his true self, just speaking his opinions more, taking charge of things that are important to him more, telling me what he wants, things like that. I know you can't make someone do this and my previous tactic of just asking him for change didn't work, and wasn't well received. (No matter how I phrased it, he took it as an insult and and became more withdrawn which is opposite of what I wanted. )
> 
> ...



AWESOME POST!! What this reminds me of is what my Pastor once told me "The man may be the head of the house but it's the wife is the neck that guides the head". Some women have NO idea how much power they have over their husbands!! But also like Spidey Uncle once said "with great power comes great responsibility" :lol:


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Out of curiousity, but how much 'effort' is it for a woman to have sex if she's just 'not in the mood.' Some women seem to make it sound like having sex when they aren't in the mood is akin to doing chores or something. Is it really difficult to get in the mood for your man? I know all womena re different, but I'd like to get a few women's perspective on the issue.


I feel your pain, man. They spend hours dedicated to their friends, kids etc, but at the end of a long day, they make it sound as if having a little roll and a bit of carnal pleasure for 15-20 minutes is the worst thing in the world. If they spent a day or two as a frustrated husband, they'd change in an instant!


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

kingsfan said:


> I wish there was a way to truly let women understand the full impact of sex on a man, especially mentally and emotionally.


This is more then just sex involved, she took a whole new approach on their relationship, not only did sex happen more frequently but he began to emotionally open himself up to her. Not that this is the "cure-all" for every relationship but kag definitely put he work in.


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

Usually , women , whenever they want sex, even if the men are tired or held up , or not in the mood , they want sex.

If The Men , want it women do not budge and normally Men are more Patient and Less Complaining than Women.

There is a large number of women , who complain on their Men, without understanding that they , The Men are The Active Force, and they are the Passive , Receptive Ones..and The Active Force needs Power and Right Conditions enough, before starting The Activity.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

dblkman said:


> This is more then just sex involved, she took a whole new approach on their relationship, not only did sex happen more frequently but he began to emotionally open himself up to her. Not that this is the "cure-all" for every relationship but kag definitely put he work in.


Oh I know, I was just commenting on the sex aspect of her post. 

Speaking as a man, my wife could be as sweet and lovey-dovey as humanly possible and perfect in my eyes in that way, but if the sex doesn't accompany that it really doesn't provide nearly the same level of impact on my well-being. I'd venture the same is true for many men in general.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Out of curiousity, but how much 'effort' is it for a woman to have sex if she's just 'not in the mood.' Some women seem to make it sound like having sex when they aren't in the mood is akin to doing chores or something. Is it really difficult to get in the mood for your man? I know all womena re different, but I'd like to get a few women's perspective on the issue.


Speaking only for myself -

It is not that hard for me to have sex, anytime. And even before in our darker periods we were not completely without sex. For me the problem was that I tend not to separate sex from emotion. If I am carrying around a lot of resentment for H, like we have not been getting along or the resentment I felt after feeling like I asked him to change and he wwasnt getting it...I tend to hold onto that and it will make me less inclined to want sex with him. I understand men don't necessarily work this way.

What I did was realize that instead of holding onto the resentment and waiting forever in a stalemate for him to make the first move, I did something he asked me to do - I was affectionate, I put the resentment aside, I made the first move. I learned to momentarily detach my attitude from my actions. And eventually the resentment lifted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Wow. Great post! I commend you for taking charge of, errr...getting him to take charge?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

kag123 said:


> Speaking only for myself -
> 
> It is not that hard for me to have sex, anytime. And even before in our darker periods we were not completely without sex. For me the problem was that I tend not to separate sex from emotion. If I am carrying around a lot of resentment for H, like we have not been getting along or the resentment I felt after feeling like I asked him to change and he wwasnt getting it...I tend to hold onto that and it will make me less inclined to want sex with him. I understand men don't necessarily work this way.
> 
> ...


I think the resentment thing is what usually makes it so the male has to make the first move to change this situation. I'm glad you recognized it and too steps. Congratulations.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Great story and very very familar!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I have to admit that when I started this process, I didn't know that fulfilling his need for affection/sex would give me the results I desired. I originally thought that after a month or so of making an effort, I would revisit our previous conversations from a standpoint of - I have been changing behaviors in an effort to make you happy, now its time for you to do something for me. I am understanding now a bit more of how the male psyche works and just how different we are.

I really did not draw the correlation that my giving of affection/sex would be enough to boost his self confidence and make him comfortable enough to come out of his shell a bit more. If only I had understood how inextricably linked his need for affections and sex was to his core sense of self in our relationship - I would have stepped up so long ago. 

I am a very honest, open person - sometimes to a fault. The way I write on this forum is exactly how I speak to him IRL. I often expect other people to be as brutally honest and raw with me as I am with them, and I do not pick up on subtlety well. If he had told me bluntly why he had this need, what it means to him, how it makes him feel to lack those things, I would have stepped up. Sadly I missed his attempts at communicating with me and had to go through this process to understand. And the other sad part...I was so wrapped up on trying to force him to communicate verbally, thinking my way was the best and only way, that I built resentment thinking he didn't care, his silence and withdrawal I interpreted as apathy and lack of love for me. My lack of physical gestures he interpreted exactly the same...as a lack of love. In reality we love each other so much, we were just blind to the way each of us needs these expressions...like ships passing in the night. I can't help but winder how many other couples go through the same thing.

I beat my head into the wall wondering why he wouldn't initiate sex with me. He always told me he felt that I wasn't approachable and/or interested. BS, I would say. I wanted him many times and I would go after him (he would oblige 99% of the time), and I would tell him how can I be unapproachable when you know I come to you constantly to initiate? Clearly you should see I want you. I didn't understand that his idea of initiating was different than mine. As a very unaffectionate person I do not approach him for sex with long lingering touched, cuddling, kissing and that type of thing. I just go straight for the pants. He approached me to kiss and cuddle and I didn't know that he needed that for sex. It sounds weird I know but I know I treated him as an annoyance at times when he approached me that way completely oblivious that he was actually trying to initiate se. 

So many things coming into the light now...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Out of curiousity, but how much 'effort' is it for a woman to have sex if she's just 'not in the mood.' Some women seem to make it sound like having sex when they aren't in the mood is akin to doing chores or something. Is it really difficult to get in the mood for your man? I know all womena re different, but I'd like to get a few women's perspective on the issue.


if i am not in the mood, my bf can make me in the mood!

i was watching a show one time where they had a sex therapist talk about moods. and she said that it was always better if you tell your spouse not right now or lets see about later, instead of im not in the mood or no i dont want too. i agree with that. just because you arent in the mood for sex with your partner doesnt mean that you should completely reject them due to something you dont feel up too. if that is the case then we should all stop laughing, paying bills, thinking etc. simply because we dont want too? hmmmm...contradictory? i think so!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I have to admit that when I started this process, I didn't know that fulfilling his need for affection/sex would give me the results I desired. I originally thought that after a month or so of making an effort, I would revisit our previous conversations from a standpoint of - I have been changing behaviors in an effort to make you happy, now its time for you to do something for me. I am understanding now a bit more of how the male psyche works and just how different we are.
> 
> I really did not draw the correlation that my giving of affection/sex would be enough to boost his self confidence and make him comfortable enough to come out of his shell a bit more. If only I had understood how inextricably linked his need for affections and sex was to his core sense of self in our relationship - I would have stepped up so long ago.


This is EXACTLY how I feel about sex as well. All the hand holding, cuddling, flowers, love notes, etc. that most women want to feel like their man loves them, is all wrapped up in one simple act for me as a man. Sex. Because it isn't just sex, it is a physical contaction with your partner that you love, a physical contaction that you are willing to only express to that one person in the entire world. Yes, it feels good, but that's just the bonus, not the prize (though sometimes it is the prize as well). Sex is like a hug, it's like an acceptance, it's like validation that you are that one special guy for this one special woman. It's why sex is so important for men (and I assume many men in relationships/marriages feel the same as I do) and why rejection of sex hurts so very, very much. Rejection makes you question yourself not just physically, but on an emotional level as well.

For a lady, think about how you would feel if you were sad or down and just wanted a hug and your man said "I'm not in the mood for a hug right now. Maybe tomorrow or a few days from now I might be more in the mood." That would likely hurt. It's the same deal for a man, just with sex.



kag123 said:


> If he had told me bluntly why he had this need, what it means to him, how it makes him feel to lack those things, I would have stepped up.


I'm curious as to why he didn't. Maybe he's like me (sounds a bit like it personality wise from what you've described)?

I stopped expressing myself regarding sex due to past relationships. My ex-wife was not a communicator at all, and this went double regarding sex. When I'd try to talk about sex, the conversation would last maybe 30 seconds before she'd say something like "Well why don't you just go and find someone else to have sex with then." How do you try and communicate your need to be with someone when they basically tell you to go and sleep with someone else?

I'm in a relationship now where the comunication is much better, but I know my fiancee doesn't feel totally comfortable discussing sex, especially the idea of having more sex, even if that's what I want/need. She'll discuss it, but I know selling her on my needs is a tough one. It took a while to convince her that yes, men do need sex as a form of closeness, not just wanting to see boobies bouncing around.

As well, another issue I had was recognizing why I needed sex. For a long time I felt I needed sex because it was sex. I didn't understand that I needed sex for the closeness and the bonding. It took a lot of thought before I came to this understanding. I thought lowly of myself for a long time, thinking I should just stop wanting sex because sex is just sex. Part of that came from my ex-wife, but part of it came from my religious beliefs as well. I see now that I was wrong in my understanding of my beliefs, and that there is a real reason why men need sex. It's an actual need, not a want, not some fun on a boring night, not a means to get your rocks off, but an actual emotional need. Maybe your man wasn't able to understand that either, and maybe he wasn't able to reconcile within himself why he felt the compulsion for sex. Maybe that, combined with his belief you were unappraochable as you suggested implied that he shouldn't be feeling as he was and that he needed to turn away from sex.

Just some thought on your post. Once again, kudos on your approach to this subject and I really hope other women can get this message as well. Men would move mountains for a woman that understood their sexual needs and was willing to provide for them that way. I know I would do anything under the sun for my woman if she made me completely happy this way, and I know it certainly makes me feel like an alpha-male when my sex life is strong and happy. That is huge to me as normally, life and sex leaves me insecure, frsutrated and depressed, something that it sounds like your man was as well.


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