# Introduction



## K-3

I am 25 years old, and I have been married for 7 years. I'm struggling in my marriage and have very little support from anyone. I just want to improve my marriage, and I'm hopeful that I might be able to get some help here or at the very least feel a bit better from being able to talk about it. 

I made a post last night that said it had to be approved by administrator. It hasn't yet or I can't see it. Am I doing something wrong? I just want to feel better...


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## arbitrator

K-3 said:


> I am 25 years old, and I have been married for 7 years. I'm struggling in my marriage and have very little support from anyone. I just want to improve my marriage, and I'm hopeful that I might be able to get some help here or at the very least feel a bit better from being able to talk about it.
> 
> I made a post last night that said it had to be approved by administrator. It hasn't yet or I can't see it. Am I doing something wrong? I just want to feel better...


*@Elegirl ~ could you be so kind as to check this out? Many thanks!*


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## Mr.Married

Hi K-3,

I married young as well. Lucky for us it is still going well but that isn't to say we've had our rough spots as well. One thing I wish I would have done earlier in marriage was
read some books on the topic. I know that may sound boring but I've learned a few things that helped our marriage.

Give us your details and perhaps we can lend you a hand.


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## K-3

I want to be happy. I am sad all the time, which my husband thinks is post-partum depression from having a baby 4 months ago. Feeling like this started before he was born though. It has gotten worse post-birth but these feelings have been lingering for a long time. This is what I wrote last night, maybe it will work. I’m going to put everything on the table, because I just want help. 

I’m 25 and my husband is 42. We have been together for 7 years. I met my husband while doing a summer intern job. I was interning directly under him. The first summer I was in high school and we didn’t form any sort of relationship. The second year was the summer before starting university, he asked that I come back and I did. I saw him in between those summers, because my dad worked in the same office. I was there most Saturdays and breaks. My husband wasn’t suppose to be there on Saturday’s, but started going regularly after I did. At first he was just a really nice guy who was helping me and making sure I did well at the internship, which was used for my university application. After starting the internship the second summer things shifted to secretive flirting and flowers, gifts, helping me more. We fell for each other quickly, and both didn’t expect it. We were pregnant by the end of the summer, which my husband planned. We married a month later.

I’m a SAHM because it works best for our family. Our kids are 4 months, 3, 5 and 6. My husband has always worked a lot, but lately he has been working a lot more. He is at the office from 8-6, then works form home for a few hours, and after that he wants alone time to relax. By the time he is done that I am in bed asleep. I understand that he needs alone time, and someone has to pay the bills, I just feel invisible. Sometimes I worry that he might have met someone at work, but I try not to worry about that. I know he hasn’t and it’s just me overthinking. I do talk to my husband about needing more from him/needing time with him, but we are on different pages. He thinks we spend enough time together. He counts time in bed, when I’m/we’re asleep, as time together. He says I’m controlling and demanding, but I don’t see that at all. I just want time with him…  We’re just on different pages… different books even. He use to spend nearly all of his free time with me, so it’s been an adjustment. I know people change overtime and need different things, I’m just struggling with it right now. 

The majority of the household and children duties are my responsibility, which I understand. Lately it has been a lot harder on me than previously. I know that I should be doing the bulk of it, that’s my job after all. When I do ask my husband for help he gets mad and unintentionally makes me feel like crap for needing help or not having something done. He works hard, and personally I don’t think he understands what my day is like. Going from 3 to 4 kids has been a lot harder than any other transition. Maintaining the house and kids is my only job, and I’m failing at it. Even when my parents take our kids for a sleep over (minus our 4 month old) I barely get anything done around the house. I can’t keep my husband happy with this issue. 

For the last year my husband has been getting increasingly jealous. Previously he didn’t have any jealousy. He doesn’t like me going out with male friends, or talking to male friends. He says it’s inappropriate, and from what I’ve read some people agree so maybe I’m in the wrong there. He goes through my phone regularly, which I don’t care about because I have nothing to hide but I’ve never given him a reason not to trust me. There are certain things that he wants me to do and wear before I go out alone or with him. When we go out together he always wants me to look nice, a bit revealing, and I get it - he likes when I’m done up and I do it for him. This is regardless of if we are on a date or grocery shopping. But when I go out without him (groceries, sports games, kids stuff, …) he wants me to be the opposite. He gets mad if I look too nice when I’m without him because “who am I dressing up for”. The jealousy is frustrating, and sometimes (most of the time) I’m just tired and want to go to the store with him without changing, doing my makeup and doing my hair. He’s trying to stop me from going full “mom-mode” and I know he means well. I’m just struggling. 

My friends and family don’t like my husband, because he is older than I am. We have always had problems with my friends and family. He doesn’t want me to be around my friends anymore, because he doesn’t like what they say about him and how they make me second guess things or question things. I understand that they are a negative influence on our relationship and it makes sense. It’s just hard because I feel so overwhelmed with my home life and losing friends makes me feel more overwhelmed. I just wish they could support us. Some of my friends do support me and my marriage, and my husband doesn’t care about me being around them at all. In the last year I’ve given up 3/4 of my friends for the sake of my marriage. 

I only see my family on holidays now, and only when my husband can be there as well. He doesn’t want people talking about him behind his back and there have been many squabbles between him, my dad and brother. When my dad found out that we married, he took a bat to my husbands car. My dad and my husband have put their hands on each other. My family doesn’t want him in their home, and my husband doesn’t want me going there alone, so it’s a lose-lose for me. I can’t balance it and I can’t lose my family. I need them to be on board and support me. It feels like I have no one, often times not even my husband. Having so many people against us affects him a lot as well. I know that everyone can’t like everyone, but these are the people closest to me and I need them all. 

My husband’s family is better, but they don’t particularly like me. It has gotten better over the years, and at least is improving. They are nice to me, unlike my family towards my husband, but I can tell they don’t like me. I don’t know how to get them to like me, but I need them to. I feel like it’s me and my husband against the world, and I hate that feeling. Maybe not everyone does, but I need support from people and I have almost none. 

I’ve talked to my husband about needing 20 hours a week together, which I read somewhere, but he thinks that is ridiculous and unachievable. He might be right. We have a date night every other week, but it’s not enough. My husband says nothing is enough for me, maybe he’s right. Even after we spend the day together, have intimacy and lay in bed together, I still feel like it’s not enough sometimes. I need to shake the feeling of needing more. 

When we married, we did it quick and simple with just us. He said he wanted to have a ceremony later but didn’t want to wait any longer to marry me. That has never happened. And in the grand scheme of things it’s not the end of the world. I want to be with him, I don’t need the ceremony. I’m more bothered by him having done it twice before. It makes me feel like I’m not worth it, and I know that I shouldn’t feel that way but I do. He has been there, done that and he doesn’t have the need to do it again. 

I don’t feel loved. I feel like I’m here to make him look good when necessary but otherwise useless. It’s my fault, because that’s not what my husband has intended but I can’t shake it. I just want to be happy in my marriage and not feel like the life is being sucked out of me.


In addition to my post last night: I feel stupid when I'm around my husband. We don't usually have real conversations. We talk about our kids, things that have to get done, that sort of thing, but we don't often talk about other things. He often ignores whatever I say because he wasn't paying enough attention to notice that I said something. The other night I was making my husband a snack while he sat on the couch on his phone. I had an entire conversation with myself and he didn't even notice. I feel invisible... When we do talk, I feel stupid half the time. It has been made worse by us barely having real conversation because I try and make conversation whenever I can. So I ask him stupid questions about things I don't really care about, just to talk to him... He doesn't have the same opinion that I do. He doesn't need to talk and isn't concerned about it. I feel like my feelings are dismissed, he doesn't think he's dismissing feelings at all. So it has stayed the same for a long time...


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## FalCod

Wow. Lots to unpack here. And much of it is way above my pay grade.

First, it is not at all surprising that people looked askance at your marrying this guy. Even using the generous half-your-age-plus-seven rule, you were too young for him to date without being creepy. Instinctively, I'd worry that a 35 year old pursuing an 18 year old, particularly a subordinate, has serious issues. 

Aside from the age gap creepiness, the next biggest red flag you are waving is his isolating/controlling behavior. He doesn't want you around your friends. He doesn't want you visiting your family unsupervised. These are very bad signs that he wants to isolate you so that he is less accountable for his behavior.

My inexpert recommendations are to avoid being isolated, continue to work on making your marriage a good one, but also work on establishing your independence. Further your education. Gain marketable skills. Being a strong and high self-esteem you will benefit your family and yourself. Be prepared for a major ratcheting up of controlling behavior as you do this. I would consider it a test. A husband that doesn't want his wife to be strong is dangerous.


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## BigDigg

Wow. This...isn't good. At all...As a guy I can tell you that any man over 30 chasing a HS girl has severe issues. Full stop no questions asked. What did you know of his past before you?

Not that you weren't/aren't special then but it's just a very clear sign that he only wanted you for your youth and beauty and/or he was extremely mentally immature. The way you described it almost seems predator like (inviting you back for another summer, special interest, getting you pregnant, etc.). Also the control he exerts of you to be pretty and exposed with him while covering up for others just reeks of his ego and need for validation. That he wants nothing to do with you isn't shocking now that you're not a shiny new toy and have 4 kids under your belt. This won't get better, only worse. I'd be *extremely* worried that he's using you up and will eventually cheat or leave. He probably has a thing for young women that he can completely control. You probably weren't his first and might not be his last.

I'm sorry to be blunt but this seems more like a captive/hostage thing. He's completely deprived you of your youth, he's made you completely dependent on him for everything, and he's killed your self-esteem through his controlling ways to force compliance. And when you are used up you'll be discarded because this is all about him.

So sorry for you. From the outside looking in this just looks horrible and creepy and sad. Find your voice here and really think about what future you want...


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## FalCod

BigDigg said:


> The way you described it almost seems predator like


Why do you say "almost"?


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## K-3

I know that I’m going to be judged for the age difference and how we met. I would have left it out, but I know it plays into our problems and hiding things won’t help at all. I would tell any 17-18 year old not to do it. I did do it, though, and now I’m here to make the best of it. My husband didn’t intend on marrying someone 17 years younger. I didn’t intend on marrying someone closer to my dad’s age than mine. I love him. It has been really hard but I love him and I just want to make our marriage better. 

I feel isolated, but he isn’t intentionally isolating. He doesn’t want people in our marriage who don’t support it/us, which I think is understandable. It’s hard because very few people understand or are willing to be understanding. My friends, for the most part, don’t understand that judging me isn’t doing me and favours. It just makes it worse. It’s tricky with my family because they are my family. I need them in my life, and my husband understands that. He has never wanted me to cut them out of my life, he just wants to be with me when I’m with them. He knows that my family is going to say things to upset me and he wants to be there to support me. They aren’t as bad when he’s there, usually. 

We do need to work on our marriage. It’s a struggle because he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. He’s happy. Meeting in the middle doesn’t even seem likely. I try to get on the same page as him and be happy with how things are, but it’s quite hard for me. 

My husband “wears the pants” in our marriage. He makes all of the decisions for us and our family, and I’m ok with that because he’s better at it anyway. I’m indecisive and when I make a decision it’s usually the wrong one. I don’t want to change the dynamic of our marriage. 

His past before meeting me? He has been married twice, this is his third marriage. He was engaged one other time. 

-He was with his 1st ex-wife during high school, they were the same age. They had a son together at 17, and married at 18. They divorced at 21. She cheated and wanted to leave the marriage because they grew apart. 
-He was engaged to a woman at 25, and she was about the same age as him. The wedding was called off. She got pregnant and aborted, and my husband didn’t agree with that and couldn’t trust her anymore. 
-He married his 2nd ex-wife at 29, she was 22, they divorced 2 years later. 

He has dated other women, and they were usually younger but never more than 8 years younger. 

He wasn’t chasing after me. He didn’t intend to feel the way he did towards me. I know there is nothing special about me to make someone older have wanted me, it just happened. I was just a 17-18 year old, there was nothing special about me. He was the first person to show interest in me and be foreword about it. 

I hate that he’s losing interest in me. I know that’s bound to happen at some point, but it’s hard. I’m still interested in him, and I don’t know how to regain his interest in me. I hate feeling like I’m not interesting enough, smart enough, pretty enough, to have his attention. He’s not going to cheat or leave though… Or “use me up”. He says he never thinks about leaving or cheating, ever. That post makes me feel sick and plain out sad… he wouldn’t do that. I feel invisible to him, but I’m not worthless… I just want to be on the same page, or at least in the same book…

He is gone for a week on a hunting trip because it's moose season. He has been gone for 4 days and has called me once. I know that he's busy and might not always have signal, but it's still hard. I want him to miss me, and he says he does but it doesn't feel like it. Any time I make a suggestion it comes off as controlling to him, so a lot of our problems are probably on me.


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## jorgegene

it sounds like he had plenty time for you when you were an intern when he was trying to win you over. 

now that he has, you are 'invisible'.

husband mistake #1: taking wife for granted after getting married.


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## jorgegene

some people who have IQ's well above 150 can be as dumb as an ox (or even a tree stump), when it comes to ordinary life and marriage basics.

I suspect your husband might be one of them.


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## BigDigg

Sorry K-3 if my post caused you distress. That wasn't my intention and you're right - I shouldn't judge and have no idea what he's going to do or his motivation. I have no idea how he really feels about you. But I also think you're in a bit of denial on some aspects of this and are far too kind to him. Consider these (all things you've stated so let me know if I've misunderstood):

- He willingly targeted a 17yr old girl as a 34 year old man. This didn't just happen. He didn't show up randomly on Saturdays for no reason during the school year. Didn't bring you back for no reason. Didn't 'just help' for no reason. You were targeted and he had interest in you. That alone makes me a bit ill. This didn't 'just happen'.
- He willingly got you pregnant at 18, probably to lock you down and selfishly meet his needs for a family. He never considered what was best for you which would have absolutely been to go to University. Of course had you gone you would of likely left him eventually and he knew that. He never consider that doing this would rob you of some of your best years.
- He IS isolating you and controlling you. Making his desires known about when and how you can see your family. Not making efforts to embrace your friends and putting you in an impossible spot with them. Telling you how to dress. Criticizing you on your ability to manage kids/house without help with 4 kids (OMG). Being needlessly jealous. Snooping on your phone for no reason (red flags btw). 
- He doesn't seem to respect you or have interest in you - you're unhappiness falls on deaf ears and is largely your problem to solve. He never respected your wishes for a proper wedding. Doesn't care to spend time with you. Doesn't call you when he is away. Doesn't seem to care what you have to say about anything.



K-3 said:


> I don’t feel loved. I feel like I’m here to make him look good when necessary but otherwise useless. It’s my fault, because that’s not what my husband has intended but I can’t shake it.


Your words not mine. None of this is your fault. You were setup for this. On the contrary *it's pretty much exactly as he intended* and he's made sure that he's the absolute center of your universe. You aren't in a position to challenge him in any way like his ex-wives. You don't have many options to leave and are almost completely isolated and dependent to him. And then he doesn't even have the decency to give you the love and support you need. You say you love him but I'd ask you to really think about that - this seems like emotional abuse to me. You've never known anything different.

I'm so sorry to be harsh. A lot of us here get rightly called out on being too frank and prescriptive with new joiners. Hope you stick around and promise I'm just trying to help. You're not a bad person AT ALL. Life happens and you followed your heart. You sound like a great person, mother and wife. But sometimes to move forward you need to see things as they are and not what you wish them to be. If you want to have a fulfilling marriage then you need to be an equal partner to your husband and have him treat you with respect. I have no idea how to make that happen in this case. Hope others have better ideas than me.


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## happyhusband0005

BigDigg said:


> Sorry K-3 if my post caused you distress. That wasn't my intention and you're right - I shouldn't judge and have no idea what he's going to do or his motivation. I have no idea how he really feels about you. But I also think you're in a bit of denial on some aspects of this and are far too kind to him. Consider these (all things you've stated so let me know if I've misunderstood):
> 
> - He willingly targeted a 17yr old girl as a 34 year old man. This didn't just happen. He didn't show up randomly on Saturdays for no reason during the school year. Didn't bring you back for no reason. Didn't 'just help' for no reason. You were targeted and he had interest in you. That alone makes me a bit ill. This didn't 'just happen'.
> - He willingly got you pregnant at 18, probably to lock you down and selfishly meet his needs for a family. He never considered what was best for you which would have absolutely been to go to University. Of course had you gone you would of likely left him eventually and he knew that. He never consider that doing this would rob you of some of your best years.
> - He IS isolating you and controlling you. Making his desires known about when and how you can see your family. Not making efforts to embrace your friends and putting you in an impossible spot with them. Telling you how to dress. Criticizing you on your ability to manage kids/house without help with 4 kids (OMG). Being needlessly jealous. Snooping on your phone for no reason (red flags btw).
> - He doesn't seem to respect you or have interest in you - you're unhappiness falls on deaf ears and is largely your problem to solve. He never respected your wishes for a proper wedding. Doesn't care to spend time with you. Doesn't call you when he is away. Doesn't seem to care what you have to say about anything.
> 
> 
> 
> Your words not mine. None of this is your fault. You were setup for this. He's set you up and made sure that he's the absolute center of your universe and you have no options and are completely isolated and dependent to him. And then he doesn't even have the decency to give you the love and support you need.
> 
> I'm so sorry to be harsh. A lot of us here get rightly called out on being too frank and prescriptive with new joiners. Hope you stick around and promise I'm just trying to help. You're not a bad person AT ALL. Life happens and you followed your heart. You sound like a great person, mother and wife. But sometimes to move forward you need to see things as they are and not what you wish them to be. If you want to have a fulfilling marriage then you need to be an equal partner to your husband and have him treat you with respect. I have no idea how to make that happen in this case. Hope others have better ideas than me.


I am going to go ahead and violently agree with this and add one thing. If your husband truly cares about you and your happiness and knows how important it is for you to have a good relationship with your family and friends he would take it upon himself to be a man and work to repair those bonds. Your family thinks the same way people here do, they see your husband as a guy who preyed on a vulnerable teen girl. Your husband needs to prove to them he loves and cares about you, needs to tell them he knows it is important to you to be close to them, and how important it is for your kids to be close to their aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. I have to believe your family would respect and welcome him if he manned up and had a face to face one on one discussion with your father about this. IF your husband is an honorable and decent man he should see that your families concerns are real and justified. He needs to be the one to fix those problems. If you were my daughter and you could be even though I'm younger than you husband, I would probably never truly forgive him or respect him but If he came to me out of concern for your happiness I would work with him to have a cordial relationship for your sake and for your kids sake. The fact that he is apparently unwilling to take responsibility for this should tell you a lot. 

On another note in a general sense, The whole you take care of everything with the house and kids because it's your job is total BS. He is a father, fathers take care of their kids and help do things to take care of the house related things because thats their job also. I have always done at least half the household stuff and bathing, bedtimes, cooking, helping with homework, driving to activities etc. because I'm the dad it's part of the job description.


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## MattMatt

Your husband is jealous of your own family. 

He is a control freak and it will probably only get worse.


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## sunsetmist

First, Please don't have more children.

Second, you have been given excellent advice especially by @BigDigg and others. Your husband's controlling is not so much about him being the 'man' of the family, although I disagree with his definition of that, but the subtle ways he has of convincing you are 'less than' and must remove people and things that would contribute to your happiness.

Third, your dad worked with this man and knew him better than you. He rightly must have been livid--think why this would be.

Fourth, my parents had an almost 20 year age difference, but mom was in her thirties when they married. They were always wonderfully happy--it was almost disgusting :wink2: This is not just about age, but more about his treatment, domination and control.

Five, read about abuse (no spare time, I know) but it is important--not just physical abuse, but mental and emotional abuse.

Six, seek treatment for your depression whether it is postpartum or not. This is a serious issue.

Seven, you have been handed an enormous amount of responsibility from a young age. Do not judge yourself harshly as you have had to grow up too fast.

Eight, brava for seeking help here. Come back. Listen. If you ever get to the point where you are fearful, call locally for help.


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## BluesPower

Sweetheart, you have been duped. 

Your H chased and married you because no grown woman with any relationship experience would NEVER date him. 

You are going to have to get a lot stronger. He has issues, lots of them. If you had been older, you would have understood but you were not. 

Here is the thing, you are going to have to read a lot, and become stronger. 

Your H is all the bad things. Now, odds are that he may be cheating on you, for whatever reason. Maybe not but do not rule it out. 

You need to be able to understand his behaviors, controlling, verbal abuse, and many others, a lot of people here will list them. 

Then someone needs to take ALL the kids and make a nice dinner and sit him down. 

Basically, you need to tell him, "This marriage, and you, are going to change, or we will be getting a divorce." Then explain in SIMPLE English, what your problems are. If he does not change immediately and start working on the marriage or you file for divorce. 

What he has actually done is quite horrible. He chased a young, inexperienced girl, got her pregnant, and then had what 4 kids in 5 or 6 years? 

Yeah, he planned it. He planned on getting a young girl pregnant and married, and then locks her away in the house, and keeps her captive... 

This was his plan, and he accomplished it.


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## K-3

I don’t like any of this that is being said… He’s my husband. I’ve trusted him with everything. I don’t like these opinions or how they are making me feel… I should trust my husband, not let outside opinions sway me. This is why he wanted negative people out of our life... This is why I let him make decisions, mine are always poor. 

I think people are jumping to the assumption that he is a bad guy. He isn’t abusing me… He never has and never would. He isn’t going to cheat on me. He has been cheated on and it killed him, he wouldn’t do that to me. I worry about it but I know that I’m only overthinking. He wouldn’t do that. I keep myself attractive for him, we have sex daily, I do whatever he wants… He has no reason to cheat… I give him everything he wants… 

He isn’t keeping me captive… I could leave if I wanted to. I don’t want to. At all. I love him… I need him. I’m not telling him that I want a divorce, I don’t want one. I don’t want that at all. He is controlling but he means well. I don’t think he can get anymore controlling. Me feeling less than is my fault, not his. He intentionally got me pregnant when I was 18, and that is a sore spot and we both agree it was wrong. If he hadn’t we wouldn’t have our son and I wouldn’t take that back for the world. He wanted a family with me and it worked out to be the right decision. My husband hasn’t decided if we are done having kids. He is open to another child if it feels right and if it happens. It isn’t a decision that is taken lightly. I know these days people don’t like large families. 

My dad doesn’t like my husband because of the age difference. He has told me things about my husband but none of it was true. My husband has told me everything. I understand why my dad, and family, didn’t want me being with someone older. There is nothing that he could say or do for my family to accept him. 

I’m not just a plan that he’s accomplished… I don’t want to be convinced otherwise… I married a good man he’s my husband my kids father I’m doing my best for him I’m trying my best to be what he needs… I’m not doing it well, obviously.


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## BluesPower

K-3 said:


> I don’t like any of this that is being said… He’s my husband. I’ve trusted him with everything. I don’t like these opinions or how they are making me feel… I should trust my husband, not let outside opinions sway me. This is why he wanted negative people out of our life... This is why I let him make decisions, mine are always poor.
> 
> I think people are jumping to the assumption that he is a bad guy. He isn’t abusing me… He never has and never would. He isn’t going to cheat on me. He has been cheated on and it killed him, he wouldn’t do that to me. I worry about it but I know that I’m only overthinking. He wouldn’t do that. I keep myself attractive for him, we have sex daily, I do whatever he wants… He has no reason to cheat… I give him everything he wants…
> 
> He isn’t keeping me captive… I could leave if I wanted to. I don’t want to. At all. I love him… I need him. I’m not telling him that I want a divorce, I don’t want one. I don’t want that at all. He is controlling but he means well. I don’t think he can get anymore controlling. Me feeling less than is my fault, not his. He intentionally got me pregnant when I was 18, and that is a sore spot and we both agree it was wrong. If he hadn’t we wouldn’t have our son and I wouldn’t take that back for the world. He wanted a family with me and it worked out to be the right decision. My husband hasn’t decided if we are done having kids. He is open to another child if it feels right and if it happens. It isn’t a decision that is taken lightly. I know these days people don’t like large families.
> 
> My dad doesn’t like my husband because of the age difference. He has told me things about my husband but none of it was true. My husband has told me everything. I understand why my dad, and family, didn’t want me being with someone older. There is nothing that he could say or do for my family to accept him.
> 
> I’m not just a plan that he’s accomplished… I don’t want to be convinced otherwise… I married a good man he’s my husband my kids father I’m doing my best for him I’m trying my best to be what he needs… I’m not doing it well, obviously.


Listen, he want negative people out of your life, so that you will have no other opinion other than his, as to what is right or what is wrong. 

Do you think your family loves you? Why do you think that they do not like him? Why is that? 

The reason is that they see what he is doing and they have seen how he treats you. His is isolating you, you are barefoot and pregnant. Can you not see this? 

You know, ask yourself this... Are you happy? Are you being fulfilled as a person, as a woman? Your husband spend NO time with you. He has his cute little wife, and a young hot one at that. She is home washing and tending to kids. He is out working, seeing the world, talking to others. If you raise any kind of stink, he yells at you, tells you... What are you complaining about, you have great kids, you have a roof over your head, and you cannot even keep the house clean???? 

Do you actually not see what he is and has been doing the entire marriage. If you don't stand up for yourself, are you willing to live this way the rest of your life? 

We have no reason to lie to you, we don't even know you, but you have seen you time and time again on these boards. 

Think about what we are saying. You have to stand up for yourself, or you will be miserable...


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## sunsetmist

K-3 said:


> I don’t like any of this that is being said… He’s my husband. I’ve trusted him with everything. I don’t like these opinions or how they are making me feel… I should trust my husband, not let outside opinions sway me. This is why he wanted negative people out of our life... This is why I let him make decisions, mine are always poor.
> 
> I think people are jumping to the assumption that he is a bad guy. He isn’t abusing me… He never has and never would. He isn’t going to cheat on me. He has been cheated on and it killed him, he wouldn’t do that to me. I worry about it but I know that I’m only overthinking. He wouldn’t do that. I keep myself attractive for him, we have sex daily, I do whatever he wants… He has no reason to cheat… I give him everything he wants…
> 
> He isn’t keeping me captive… I could leave if I wanted to. I don’t want to. At all. I love him… I need him. I’m not telling him that I want a divorce, I don’t want one. I don’t want that at all. He is controlling but he means well. I don’t think he can get anymore controlling. Me feeling less than is my fault, not his. He intentionally got me pregnant when I was 18, and that is a sore spot and we both agree it was wrong. If he hadn’t we wouldn’t have our son and I wouldn’t take that back for the world. He wanted a family with me and it worked out to be the right decision. My husband hasn’t decided if we are done having kids. He is open to another child if it feels right and if it happens. It isn’t a decision that is taken lightly. I know these days people don’t like large families.
> 
> My dad doesn’t like my husband because of the age difference. He has told me things about my husband but none of it was true. My husband has told me everything. I understand why my dad, and family, didn’t want me being with someone older. There is nothing that he could say or do for my family to accept him.
> 
> I’m not just a plan that he’s accomplished… I don’t want to be convinced otherwise… I married a good man he’s my husband my kids father I’m doing my best for him I’m trying my best to be what he needs… I’m not doing it well, obviously.


If I say what I'm thinking about OP, I would likely be banned. Anyone else feel this way?


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## K-3

He is my husband… what am I suppose to do? Whether he is being misunderstood or not this is what I agreed to. I agreed to forever and for better or worse, maybe this is the worse. 

Banned from what? If you are going to say something mean towards me just don’t…


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## Violet28

K-3 said:


> I’m a SAHM because it works best for our family. Our kids are 4 months, 3, 5 and 6. My husband has always worked a lot, but lately *he has been working a lot more*. He is at the office from 8-6, then works form home for a few hours, and after that he wants alone time to relax. By the time he is done that I am in bed asleep. I understand that he needs alone time, and someone has to pay the bills, *I just feel invisible. Sometimes I worry that he might have met someone at work*, but I try not to worry about that. I know he hasn’t and it’s just me overthinking. I do talk to my husband about needing more from him/needing time with him, but we are on different pages. He thinks we spend enough time together. He counts time in bed, when I’m/we’re asleep, as time together. He says I’m controlling and demanding, but I don’t see that at all. I just want time with him…  We’re just on different pages… different books even.* He use to spend nearly all of his free time with me*, so it’s been an adjustment. I know people change overtime and need different things, I’m just struggling with it right now.


Trust your instincts, whatever they are telling you.



K-3 said:


> The majority of the household and children duties are my responsibility, which I understand. Lately it has been a lot harder on me than previously. I know that I should be doing the bulk of it, that’s my job after all. *When I do ask my husband for help he gets mad and unintentionally makes me feel like crap for needing help or not having something done.* He works hard, and personally I don’t think he understands what my day is like. Going from 3 to 4 kids has been a lot harder than any other transition. Maintaining the house and kids is my only job, and I’m failing at it. Even when my parents take our kids for a sleep over (minus our 4 month old) I barely get anything done around the house. I can’t keep my husband happy with this issue.


This is his house and his children too, whatever your dynamic, he should still help with them.



K-3 said:


> For the last year my husband has been getting increasingly jealous. Previously he didn’t have any jealousy. He doesn’t like me going out with male friends, or talking to male friends. He says it’s inappropriate, and from what I’ve read some people agree so maybe I’m in the wrong there. He goes through my phone regularly, which I don’t care about because I have nothing to hide but I’ve never given him a reason not to trust me. There are certain things that he wants me to do and wear before I go out alone or with him. When we go out together he always wants me to look nice, a bit revealing, and I get it - he likes when I’m done up and I do it for him. This is regardless of if we are on a date or grocery shopping. But when I go out without him (groceries, sports games, kids stuff, …) he wants me to be the opposite. He gets mad if I look too nice when I’m without him because “who am I dressing up for”. The jealousy is frustrating, and sometimes (most of the time) I’m just tired and want to go to the store with him without changing, doing my makeup and doing my hair. He’s trying to stop me from going full “mom-mode” and I know he means well. I’m just struggling.


What does this tell you? Extreme jealousy is a sign of lack of trust, you don't sound like you're doing anything to cause a lack of trust so it's something coming from him. What could he be doing that would cause to start suspect you?



K-3 said:


> My friends and family don’t like my husband, because he is older than I am. We have always had problems with my friends and family. He doesn’t want me to be around my friends anymore, because he doesn’t like what they say about him and how they make me second guess things or question things. I understand that they are a negative influence on our relationship and it makes sense. It’s just hard because I feel so overwhelmed with my home life and losing friends makes me feel more overwhelmed. I just wish they could support us. Some of my friends do support me and my marriage, and my husband doesn’t care about me being around them at all. In the last year I’ve given up 3/4 of my friends for the sake of my marriage.


It sounds like this baby is harder for you since you're a lot more isolated now than in the past. What do you think? Do you think your friends were bad for your marriage? If so, how were they bad for it? 



K-3 said:


> I only see my family on holidays now, and only when my husband can be there as well. He doesn’t want people talking about him behind his back and there have been many squabbles between him, my dad and brother. When my dad found out that we married, he took a bat to my husbands car. My dad and my husband have put their hands on each other. My family doesn’t want him in their home, and my husband doesn’t want me going there alone, so it’s a lose-lose for me. I can’t balance it and I can’t lose my family. I need them to be on board and support me. It feels like I have no one, often times not even my husband. Having so many people against us affects him a lot as well. I know that everyone can’t like everyone, but these are the people closest to me and I need them all.


What does it say to you when none of the people that care about you like your husband?



K-3 said:


> My husband’s family is better, but they don’t particularly like me. It has gotten better over the years, and at least is improving. They are nice to me, unlike my family towards my husband, but I can tell they don’t like me. I don’t know how to get them to like me, but I need them to. *I feel like it’s me and my husband against the world,* and I hate that feeling. Maybe not everyone does, but I need support from people and I have almost none.


What has caused that feeling?



K-3 said:


> I’ve talked to my husband about needing 20 hours a week together, which I read somewhere, but he thinks that is ridiculous and unachievable. He might be right. We have a date night every other week, but it’s not enough. My husband says nothing is enough for me, maybe he’s right. Even after we spend the day together, have intimacy and lay in bed together, I still feel like it’s not enough sometimes. I need to shake the feeling of needing more.


I think you want more time from your husband because he has taken away many of your old connections of family and friends, now you don't really have anyone but him.



K-3 said:


> I don’t feel loved. I feel like I’m here to make him look good when necessary but otherwise useless. It’s my fault, because that’s not what my husband has intended but I can’t shake it. I just want to be happy in my marriage and not feel like the life is being sucked out of me.


Marriage is a partnership, if something is causing your partner to be unhappy in the relationship, it is your duty to find out what it is and work on it. Whatever the reason is, your husband owes it to you to work on fixing this.



K-3 said:


> I had an entire conversation with myself and he didn't even notice. I feel invisible... When we do talk, I feel stupid half the time. It has been made worse by us barely having real conversation because I try and make conversation whenever I can. So I ask him stupid questions about things I don't really care about, just to talk to him... He doesn't have the same opinion that I do. He doesn't need to talk and isn't concerned about it.


If you were able to see your friends and family, you would have more people to talk to and not be hungry for conversation when you see him. He is able to go out to work and hunting for a week and other places where he can have real conversations with other adults. You are home all day with four babies of course you want to talk when he is home.

What do you want? Outside of being a wife and mother? I agree, there is no point in looking back and what's done is done. Part of what happened when you became a wife and mother so young is that you never got to really find out who you are or what you could be, outside of your family. Do you want to be a stay at home mom or would you like to get out of the house some and work or go to school? Your life does not have to be solely wrapped up in him and the kids.

He will continue to treat you this way as long as you allow him to. That is the cold hard truth. He has you exactly where he wants you. That doesn't mean he's the most horrible person on earth, it means he is getting what he wants from the relationship and has no reason to change....unless you give him one. It's not you and him against the world, it's him cutting you off from the world. And you letting him do it. If you show some independence, that will get his attention. If you do something for yourself, that will get his attention. I am not telling you to play games but to stand up for what you want. It doesn't sound like you are happy with what you have allowed to happen in your life, but you are the only one who can change it.


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## Mr.Married

Isolation and control tactics....anger comes next.....co-dependency at its worst .... it only gets worse in time. Run girl run !!!!


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