# Playfulness and buckets



## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

So last week my son has being a goof and tried to pick up wife and then I did the same thing. She then made a passing comment about “I should be playful more often.” I was a little taken aback and didn’t really say anything but felt like saying “how am I supposed to be playful when my emotional needs buckets are empty and have been for some time?”

We have two kids and she’s a therapist with anxiety, fear and intimacy issues which means I’ve been getting emotional leftovers for years now. And it’s like I have to be on-call emotionally 24/7 for the few windows she can focus on us. I’ve had the burden of emotional labor for our love life and I’m just spent. Any loving affection is short-lived and unpredictable. She has admitted she doesn’t know how to love me (because she doesn’t feel worthy of love) but enjoys me loving her. Likes me to express it but is comfortable doing the same in return. 

So my question is how to handle this? I’m tired of every time I bring up it, she listens like a therapist, triangulate/ herself out of the problem and tells me why I’m wrong. Then I have to apologize for inconveniencing her with a fight. Rinse and repeat. I’ve decided to quit pursuing. It’s hard to chase her emotional state. Next I’m going hear “why are you distant?”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You're in a challenge situation, true.

Maybe less talk, just actions, and count on her to say if she wants more talk or apologies from you.

It's likely she won't. Less talk is likely desired by her.

She gets enough talk at work.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

aaarghdub said:


> We have two kids and she’s a therapist with anxiety, fear and intimacy issues which means I’ve been getting emotional leftovers for years now. And it’s like I have to be on-call emotionally 24/7 for the few windows she can focus on us.


Damn. It's like the nuts are running the asylum. She actually has paying patients who depend on her 'wisdom?' Doctor, heal thyself. Egad.

It's no secret I have a low opinion of therapists so I'm not surprised to hear this. Maybe you should have her go to a shrink - hopefully not a disordered one? You can't win with her.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You're in a chicken-and-egg situation. Try being more playful with no hidden motive, such as sex. I discovered that my wife isn't as playful with me because I'm not a lot of fun to be around. That's 100% my fault. I'm trying to be better, but it takes time, commitment, and work. I'm not a very happy-go-lucky person, but I do have the ability to be a lot of fun when the mood hits me.

Also, when she pulls the therapist crap, I'd say to her, "I'm your husband, not your patient. Please take off your therapist hat when we're interacting."


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Even therapists need therapy.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

My mom was a psychotherapist, and it really pisses me off that she was allowed to earn a degree messing with the minds of other people. But I digress...



She'sStillGotIt said:


> Damn. It's like the nuts are running the asylum. She actually has paying patients who depend on her 'wisdom?' Doctor, heal thyself. Egad.
> 
> It's no secret I have a low opinion of therapists so I'm not surprised to hear this. Maybe you should have her go to a shrink - hopefully not a disordered one? You can't win with her.


 @aaarghdub, I'm 52, and I'm really into balancing kindness with being direct and honest.

If it were me, and you've already been open with her about how her behavior makes you feel, I'd ask her to stop. 

Or, if your honesty/directness has been expressed and ignored, I'd simply get up and walk away each time she begins saying something like that. Keep walking away each time it happens, and she'll get the message.

Her saying that she doesn't know how to love you is, in my opinion, bs. If she truly wanted to learn how to love you in a way so that you feel loved, she would.

And I'd also make it clear that you're her husband, not her client/patient. It’s condescending and disrespectful for her to act like you need to be schooled by her.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So. my son went to college to get his Masters in social work, and the therapy classes mixed with people going for psychology degrees. Even the STUDENTS themselves said most people who go in to that type of therapy work do so because THEY need therapy and they are trying to figure themselves out...


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

aaarghdub said:


> So last week my son has being a goof and tried to pick up wife and then I did the same thing. She then made a passing comment about “I should be playful more often.” I was a little taken aback and didn’t really say anything but felt like saying “how am I supposed to be playful when my emotional needs buckets are empty and have been for some time?”
> 
> We have two kids and she’s a therapist with anxiety, fear and intimacy issues which means I’ve been getting emotional leftovers for years now. And it’s like I have to be on-call emotionally 24/7 for the few windows she can focus on us. I’ve had the burden of emotional labor for our love life and I’m just spent. Any loving affection is short-lived and unpredictable. She has admitted she doesn’t know how to love me (because she doesn’t feel worthy of love) but enjoys me loving her. Likes me to express it but is comfortable doing the same in return.
> 
> ...


Don't bring it up.

Play with her more. One of the best times I ever had with my wife is when I dumped out one of the big buckets of lego on the floor, and we built stuff together like a pair of kids. No pressure, no planning, just goofing around.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

aaarghdub said:


> “I should be playful more often.”


With the child/children for sure, great way to make good memories, bond, etc.



aaarghdub said:


> She has admitted she doesn’t know how to love me (because she doesn’t feel worthy of love) but enjoys me loving her. Likes me to express it but isn't comfortable doing the same in return.


This attitude sucks, I understand your empty bucket. Not sure what to say, her being a trained therapist doesn't help.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Damn. It's like the nuts are running the asylum. She actually has paying patients who depend on her 'wisdom?' Doctor, heal thyself. Egad.
> 
> It's no secret I have a low opinion of therapists so I'm not surprised to hear this. Maybe you should have her go to a shrink - hopefully not a disordered one? You can't win with her.


From what I understand, it’s extremely common for therapists to have relationship difficulties. Just like some of the unhealthiest people are doctors.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

This is where my bravado male side takes charge. I play always and I don't let it's consume me if it slow or partial rejection only I can help her through this and it is my love for her that carries her through her most difficult times. And I been married years and years something's are unspoken when she weak I strong enough for both of us..

If l don't let the world beat me down, why would my wife's slow time's overwhelmed me. This is where and when she needs my strength and love most.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Marduk said:


> From what I understand, it’s extremely common for therapists to have relationship difficulties. Just like some of the unhealthiest people are doctors.


 "Those who can't, Teach" seems to apply in therapist situations all too frequently.

disclaimer: This has nothing to do with teachers so if you are a teacher don't get your bowels in an uproar over my quote.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

aaarghdub said:


> So last week my son has being a goof and tried to pick up wife and then I did the same thing. She then made a passing comment about “I should be playful more often.”


Hold up, was she saying _'I should be playful more often'_ ...about herself needing/enjoying being playful? Or saying that you should be? I know that my husband cringes at the word 'should' and tone is lost here in this format. However, if she is simply recognising that she enjoyed being playful, then perhaps there's ways that together, as a family, playfulness occurs more.

Speaking of buckets... something I have shared here previously, mostly because it's where I pinched the idea from (another poster), is when I'd lined up a series of clues that led my man to finding a bucket of water balloons. I was hiding with my own bucket. However, when I did not see him after a time, I ventured out from my hiding spot, just to have a heap of water balloons flying my way. I ran screaming and laughing back to my bucket of balloons. He had predicted that I would become impatient, and was at the ready. We ran around laughing, and lobbing water balloons at one other. Anyway, playfulness is connecting and fun! I recommend including your son, and buckets of water balloons.


----------



## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

heartsbeating said:


> Hold up, was she saying _'I should be playful more often'_ ...about herself needing/enjoying being playful? Or saying that you should be? I
> 
> .



She said I should be. She takes on a lot and then dumps problems she either doesn’t or can’t do unto me. I don’t do the same to her. I don’t have a problem being a goofball around my friends and coworkers. It’s hard to get into a “fun” mindset when when your chasing an emotional roller coaster and it feels like all business.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

aaarghdub said:


> She said I should be. She takes on a lot and then dumps problems she either doesn’t or can’t do unto me. I don’t do the same to her. I don’t have a problem being a goofball around my friends and coworkers. It’s hard to get into a “fun” mindset when when your chasing an emotional roller coaster and it feels like all business.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Have you been to a marriage counselor? Let another therapist call her out on hiding behind her profession.

Regarding not being playful enough, tell her that you're too busy forever rolling that boulder up the hill in the depths of Hades. It's hard to be playful with a person with whom you don't feel close.

Your wife is short-changing you.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> It's hard to be playful with a person with whom you don't feel close.
> .


It's a fact


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

aaarghdub said:


> So last week my son has being a goof and tried to pick up wife and then I did the same thing. She then made a passing comment about “I should be playful more often.” I was a little taken aback and didn’t really say anything but felt like saying “how am I supposed to be playful when my emotional needs buckets are empty and have been for some time?”
> 
> We have two kids and she’s a therapist with anxiety, fear and intimacy issues which means I’ve been getting emotional leftovers for years now. And it’s like I have to be on-call emotionally 24/7 for the few windows she can focus on us. I’ve had the burden of emotional labor for our love life and I’m just spent. Any loving affection is short-lived and unpredictable. She has admitted she doesn’t know how to love me (because she doesn’t feel worthy of love) but enjoys me loving her. Likes me to express it but is comfortable doing the same in return.
> 
> So my question is how to handle this? I’m tired of every time I bring up it, she listens like a therapist, triangulate/ herself out of the problem and tells me why I’m wrong. Then I have to apologize for inconveniencing her with a fight. Rinse and repeat. I’ve decided to quit pursuing. It’s hard to chase her emotional state. Next I’m going hear “why are you distant?”


It is hard for many women to think of men of having the same emotional landscape to them. You are not meant to have the depth of feeling, and she might well feel let down if she found you did.

This will not be popular, but perhaps this is a good sign. Go with it, see if you can be more playful.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Friend:

Her anxiety, low self-esteem and whatever else she suffers from are her problems to address. You can't fix them no matter what she says.

While I would recommend that you do what you can to mitigate the problems, don't allow yourself to think, "Maybe if I do this she will start doing that.". Not a chance.

One thing you can do is manage your own expectations. If her leg was broken you wouldn't expect her to run a 5K with you. Emotional problems cause disabilities just as physical injuries do. They're just not as visible or predictable. 

In other words, be playful but do so because you will enjoy the play more than being withdrawn and resentful. Don't do it because you think it will result in her being more affectionate as a cause and effect.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

aaarghdub said:


> she’s a therapist with anxiety, fear and intimacy issues


Jeepers. Therapists, like everyone else, come with a varied level of mental health. And as has been said, the very healthy tend not to become therapists! The idea is for the training to insist that you address your issues before you can qualify. (So, making an analogy with weight loss, a therapist is like a person who's successfully lost weight, not like a person who's never had a weight problem). 



> I’m tired of every time I bring up it, she listens like a therapist, triangulate/ herself out of the problem and tells me why I’m wrong.


Okay, that's a contradiction in terms, "listens like a therapist" and "tells me I'm wrong".


----------



## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> Have you been to a marriage counselor? Let another therapist call her out on hiding behind her profession.



She went a couple times and did not do the homework. She vented, i owned some stuff. She didn’t but MC complete aware she has trauma to deal with even though she’s a trauma therapist. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

aaarghdub said:


> So last week my son has being a goof and tried to pick up wife and then I did the same thing. She then made a passing comment about “I should be playful more often.” I was a little taken aback and didn’t really say anything but felt like saying “how am I supposed to be playful when my emotional needs buckets are empty and have been for some time?”


If it were me, I think I would say something like, "I probably would be more playful if I had a partner who liked me and was as fun with me and they expect me to be for them" because honestly, she needs to be called out on this and told why. Now, I do believe in kindness, and in this instance the kindest thing you can do for her is let her know why you are not more playful. I mean, if she made you laugh, giggled, played with you, and was just a fun friend to you--you would find yourself able to be playful, right? So let her know why you're not. 

Just a comment here: I am almost constantly surprised how often married people just forget to be an enjoyable, fun friend to their spouse. Remember staying up all night having deep talks and laying around watching movies with your college buddies? Be like that with your spouse!



> We have two kids and she’s a therapist with anxiety, fear and intimacy issues which means I’ve been getting emotional leftovers for years now. And it’s like I have to be on-call emotionally 24/7 for the few windows she can focus on us. I’ve had the burden of emotional labor for our love life and I’m just spent. Any loving affection is short-lived and unpredictable. She has admitted she doesn’t know how to love me (because she doesn’t feel worthy of love) but enjoys me loving her. Likes me to express it but is (not) comfortable doing the same in return.
> 
> So my question is how to handle this? I’m tired of every time I bring up it, she listens like a therapist, triangulates herself out of the problem and tells me why I’m wrong. Then I have to apologize for inconveniencing her with a fight. Rinse and repeat. I’ve decided to quit pursuing. It’s hard to chase her emotional state. Next I’m going hear “why are you distant?”


Again, I think I'd tell her kindly but honestly: "I'm distant because I am emotionally exhausted trying to carry all of the emotional labor of this relationship alone. I make the effort to love you and you admit you like me to express it, but you don't make that same effort for me and won't express it to me. So, honestly, I stopped pursuing it."

When she tries to DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), just repeat the same thing over and over again...literally the same words. After about the 15th repeat of it, she'll say something like "Do you mean that you don't even try to express love to me anymore because you don't think I do the same for you?" and you'll think "That's what I just said 15 times!" but just say "Yes." Calmly.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rubix Cubed said:


> "Those who can't, Teach" seems to apply in therapist situations all too frequently.
> 
> disclaimer: This has nothing to do with teachers so if you are a teacher don't get your bowels in an uproar over my quote.


And those who can't teach, therap! 

And I too have a horse in this race. My wife is a Doctor of Psychology.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

aaarghdub said:


> She said I should be. She takes on a lot and then dumps problems she either doesn’t or can’t do unto me. I don’t do the same to her. I don’t have a problem being a goofball around my friends and coworkers. It’s hard to get into a “fun” mindset when when your chasing an emotional roller coaster and it feels like all business.


So how could you manage this differently than you have before?


----------



## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

I’ve somewhat started to detach and not tie myself to her emotional state. For example, she’s freakin about corona virus instead of arguing I’m understand her fear but not participating in the hysteria. I’m cordial but not affectionate aside from habitual pecks and hugs. Been focusing more myself. Maybe I’m just emotionally brunt out from pursing.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

aaarghdub said:


> So last week my son has being a goof and tried to pick up wife and then I did the same thing. She then made a passing comment about “I should be playful more often.” I was a little taken aback and didn’t really say anything but felt like saying “how am I supposed to be playful when my emotional needs buckets are empty and have been for some time?”
> 
> We have two kids and she’s a therapist with anxiety, fear and intimacy issues which means I’ve been getting emotional leftovers for years now. And it’s like I have to be on-call emotionally 24/7 for the few windows she can focus on us. I’ve had the burden of emotional labor for our love life and I’m just spent. Any loving affection is short-lived and unpredictable. She has admitted she doesn’t know how to love me (because she doesn’t feel worthy of love) but enjoys me loving her. Likes me to express it but is comfortable doing the same in return.
> 
> ...



You married my wife? You can keep her... :grin2:

I know what you are talking about. It's extremely draining. Personally, I have no fight left in me. My wife has no capacity left for me. Not after the kids, with her issues. On the long run, it will destroy you.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Damn. It's like the nuts are running the asylum. She actually has paying patients who depend on her 'wisdom?' Doctor, heal thyself. Egad.
> 
> It's no secret I have a low opinion of therapists so I'm not surprised to hear this. Maybe you should have her go to a shrink - hopefully not a disordered one? You can't win with her.



My sister in law is a therapist and completely bonkers. Several failed relationships, husband left her and now is happily married to a lovely woman... I would never pick her as my therapist!


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your wife sounds selfish. And too lazy to do anything about being selfish. Her excuse that she doesn’t know how to love you is crap.. she is too selfish to admit she doesn’t love you in the same way you love her. 

I wonder what kind of advice she would give to a patient who presented her with their equivalent of your relationship. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

aaarghdub said:


> I’ve somewhat started to detach and not tie myself to her emotional state. For example, she’s freakin about corona virus instead of arguing I’m understand her fear but not participating in the hysteria. I’m cordial but not affectionate aside from habitual pecks and hugs. Been focusing more myself. Maybe I’m just emotionally brunt out from pursing.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


All you're describing is a stalemate.

Someone needs to break it. Your wife isn't here, you are. So it kind of has to be you.

I get that you're hurting. I get that it's hard. But someone needs to make a move.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

A different angle here....

Your wife is a therapist, so all she knows how to do is analyze OTHER people. Hence, YOU should be more playful. Her M.O. is to pick apart other people's issues and point them out. 

The fact she has her own issues is a completely separate issue.

Unfortunately, you sound like someone who is on his way to justifying an affair. I'd advise you to let your wife go before you do something like that.


----------

