# Changing boundaries over time



## wife&mama (Jun 12, 2010)

How do you feel about the sexual boundaries of one marriage partner changing with time? Specifically pulling back the boundaries and not wanting to do certain things anymore? 

When I met my H, I was in a place where I was not respectful of my body. I was sexually abused as a child and without conciously knowing it, I did not feel my body was important and so I was way to free with it. I just didn't care. My H also had a bad childhood, and along the way (most likely because of porn)ended up with a scewed look at what a sexual relationship should look like) Needless to say my H loved how I was so free with my body. I pretty much was ok with doing anything. (short of willingly having sex with another man) Porn was fine, sex in public was fine, going to a sex party and getting with women was fine. (I however got no pleasure from that party. It was all an act. Which to this day my H does not know about. He thinks I loved it. )

After much self help, I now see how I abused my body back then. And I don't want to do it anymore. The trouble is, H is used to my old me, and misses my old me. 

Is it wrong of me to pull back from what I used to be willing to do? I don't want to watch porn anymore because it makes me feel it will be damaging to my marraige. Instead of bring us together it brings our focus to the screen and takes away intimacy. I don't want to go to sex parties, have sex with other couples in the room, etc.

Does this make me a prude? I dress up in lingerie and high heels which H really likes, wear costumes for role playing, have sex out of doors (for H even though it does nothing for me) masturbate for hime (he likes to watch) and am willing to have any kind of sex with him as long as it is just the 2 of us. 

It scares me to think he won't love me as much anymore because I've changed or that he would no longer want to be with me because he's "bored". We've been married 10 years and have 5 children. But I honestly believe that continuing to do what I used to do would be damaging to me.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

wife&mama-

It sounds like you are moving towards balance. You transiting from "crazy chick" to "fun wife". This is perfect. Hubby will just have to get in line. If he loves you, and loves himself he will accommodate the "new you" over time.

Perhaps you could explain it to him the way you just did in your post above.

I would like to add that few people who have a bad start in life ever have the realisations you are having. You and I are the lucky ones


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

People often post the same threads on different forums to increase visibility, and thereby increase the number of replies they receive. Some people also post different threads with different concerns, like this one and your other one. Had I known about this thread, it's possible my response would have been different in your other thread. Maybe not, but I can't help thinking you and husband have never had intimacy and have never been "tuned in" to each other. I also can't help thinking the possibility that you never will be. He never felt he had to be, and maybe that is something he is not capable of doing. It just might be that he chose you for his wife because of the way you were, which was great with him since it was not at all demanding of any emotional connection. It just seems like it was all about sex, and that was all he wanted.

Now you're concerned that he might not want you anymore. You should also be concerned that you might not want him anymore, and that should be a bigger concern. You've gotten yourself into this and are now invested in your married w/children circumstances. What you gave your husband is an object, but now you no longer want to be objectified by him, which he still does all the time. You want him to be tuned in to you, but you have no idea if he can be. It should not be surprising if he does not comply or does not "get in line" as MT suggests. It should also not be surprising if you find yourself no longer wanting him to expect the old you. You have found respect for yourself and for your body. It won't be a good feeling should you discover he is unable to respect you.


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## wife&mama (Jun 12, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> People often post the same threads on different forums to increase visibility, and thereby increase the number of replies they receive. Some people also post different threads with different concerns, like this one and your other one. Had I known about this thread, it's possible my response would have been different in your other thread. Maybe not, but I can't help thinking you and husband have never had intimacy and have never been "tuned in" to each other. I also can't help thinking the possibility that you never will be. He never felt he had to be, and maybe that is something he is not capable of doing. It just might be that he chose you for his wife because of the way you were, which was great with him since it was not at all demanding of any emotional connection. It just seems like it was all about sex, and that was all he wanted.
> 
> Now you're concerned that he might not want you anymore. You should also be concerned that you might not want him anymore, and that should be a bigger concern. You've gotten yourself into this and are now invested in your married w/children circumstances. What you gave your husband is an object, but now you no longer want to be objectified by him, which he still does all the time. You want him to be tuned in to you, but you have no idea if he can be. It should not be surprising if he does not comply or does not "get in line" as MT suggests. It should also not be surprising if you find yourself no longer wanting him to expect the old you. You have found respect for yourself and for your body. It won't be a good feeling should you discover he is unable to respect you.


I posted this thread and the other one seperately because I believed they were about different issues, although definitely yes, they will both that the same underlying reasons. 

I believe that my H and I were both 2 broken people that came together and yes, I'll admit there was a lot of sexual chemistry going on. What is happening is that I have opened my eyes to my big past errors and want to take a better road going forward. He, on the other hand, still has his eyes closed. I think his defense mechanism that got him to survive childhood is to be numb to it all, and it's affecting us now. 

I also am totally committed to making out marriage last. I am trying to figure out the best way to bring these things up in a non accusatory way and yes, I'm scared of what can come out of it. He could decide he doesn't want to be married to what in his mind he might consider a "prude". He could also see the harm that he would be doing to me by wanting me to keep doing that which I don't want to do and maybe open his own eyes to his mistakes and want something better too. My life is in God's hands, and I know in the end everything that happens is for the best.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

You need to sit down with him and have this same conversation with him. Tell him how you use to feel. At first dont talk about all the changes you want. Tell him how you feel and what you think. Get his reactions about what your saying. Tell him you only want a better marriage and more intimacy. Tell him your growng and that you want a more mature sex life. Tell him that you want your sex to be about you and him only.

It may be hard or it may not be hard it depends on what you both decide you want. It will be very hard if your both are on two different pages.

Good luck.


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