# Still feels strange after a month



## renu (Feb 26, 2012)

I wanted to post my story since I’ve been reading here for a while. It’s been a month since I found out about my wife (we got engaged almost 10 years ago). 

It basically started as her Black Berry memory card got corrupted so she wanted me to recover her files. Anyways, an undelete program did the job and she told me NOT to through her files as we live in a conservative culture (Islamic) and some girls are without their veil (to cover their hair). I did agree, but I was suspicious so I opened the last folder it undeleted and found two pictures of indecent pics of a guy. I called her and told her there is a folder and she said not to look as there were pics of her friends without their veil. I told her, I already saw and she said started apologizing and that a friend of hers (a girl) sent her those pics. I said it doesn’t sound right, but if it’s true, I’d appreciate it if she told her friends not to send such pictures. I was livid and didn’t buy it.

Anyways, the next day she had to work on the weekend and she told me that the story should be closed and it’s nothing and she is sorry. She left to work, and I was more suspicious that ever. I went through her files (which is bad I agree, but I put small thumbnails to try as much as not see any girls like she said). There were no other pics, but many of her pics she showed me before. Then I came upon saved screenshot. Love msgs one after the other with the same guy. Went through all of them, and waited till she came home. Told her am upset about what I saw yesterday and I still don’t believe it’s true. She said she swears it’s a girl and she doesn’t want anything to ruin our relationship. A few minutes later, I told her, I’m tired of all the lies and who is that person on her cell and that I saw one of her saved msgs (as a test to see if she will admit anything, anyways again my lying is also bad but had to test her). She then started crying and said there were lots of messages between them and they met once, and he touched her over clothes but then she couldn’t go ahead with anything more. She also admitted she sent him pics of her in dresses which showed cleavage but nothing more (in our society, that’s pretty taboo).

I went through all their messages and cannot find any evidence that she did more cuz they did mention that he touched her (and no mention of anyone naked) and that she wanted to touch him but couldn’t. 

To go back a little, I had been suspicious for like 3-4 months and the messages show that’s exactly when it started and that it seemed to end about 2 weeks before I found out which was also the time she started getting closer to me (cuz of pity maybe?). Anyway, I never told her that I read everything but I did tell her I know more than what she thinks I know and I know the guy works with her cuz his initials and first name are exactly like the guy who works in another department (they used to work in the same department). That’s the only part she refuses to admit, that it’s the guy who works with her especially since one of the messages specifically had that his colleague’s name (a girl) said she was hot and he replied that yeah he did hear her say, so it can’t just be a coincidence. 
I said I don’t know if ur trying to protect him, trying not to hurt me or whatever it is, u need to make a decision right now. Either loyalty or him. She said it’s me and never anyone else. She used the excuse that we chatted about a fantasy from time to time and I said it was OK to experiment once (I was an idiot, I said it in the heat of intimacy and nothing more and I always said before anything, talk to me about it). 
Anyways, a month later and the healing process is harder than I thought. She accepted to change her actual phone so I don’t have to remember anything, never to talk to that guy at work no matter what, has gone through all her BlackBerry contacts to show that he isn’t on the list and told me who each person is. Whenever she uses her phone, she tells me who she is talking to and doesn’t go in the other room like she used to before. A week after me finding out, she told me she is ashamed of what she did, and the shame she has brought to our family and how ashamed her parents would be if they ever knew. 

She spends more time with me now, tells me her exact movements unlike before, calls me every hour from work and I can see she is trying hard to make it up, but I still feel cheated and am always suspicious that I have even looked through her phone logs and msgs last weekend (not actual msgs, but where they came from). There is absolutely nothing from any funny or new names other than the ones she explained to me. 
Is it normal to still be paranoid? She insists she wants to be the mother of my children (and we have trying for 3 years now and a few years ago I found out I had the problem and we are still trying to find a solution). 

Sorry that this thing went on and on. What do you guys think? Am I crazy to be suspicious? Has she done enough as a start to rebuild our relationship?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Did you demand that she send an NC (no contact) email to him?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

It is standard cheater behavior never to tell you the complete truth. The fact that she told you he touched her over her clothes probably indicates that they did much more than that. If the roles were reversed do you think she would have been as accepting as you have been?

She needs to found out why she gave herself permission to engage in this behavior and put her marriage at risk. I know that in your culture this type of behavior would lead to immediate divorce. Why was she willing to risk that? You need to have her answer these questions. In addition, she continue to lie to you and it sounds to me right now she is in damage control. I would confront the OM. If the OM has a wife or girlfriend I would expose this to them also. Good luck.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

In our marriage, my husband and I can go through any computer and phone messages. We have each other passwords and do not keep secrets from each other. 

Out of curiosity, we both go through each others devices. I use my iPod touch and he uses a computer. He is welcome to look through it while I'm not using it. 

In a marriage, nothing should be hidden. You wife was wrong to hide this from you. I would suspect an affair from the messages and pictures sent. 

I would never accept pictures of a naked man's parts. That would disgust me. If my girl friend sent me pictures like that, she would no longer be my friend. Plus, it's odd a woman would send those photos in the first place. It's disrespectful.

You need to sit down and get the truth from your wife. Keep looking in her files. 

Good luck.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Talk to that guy. If you think it is OK, try contacting his wife. Threaten him with informing the HR and give you the complete truth. They know they cannot contact over the phone unless they are dumb. Actually it would be a good thing if she quits the job. They will obviously talk in person if they have to. And I don't think she will give you the complete truth either. A lot can happen off the record.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

she is in damage control. She is doing everything to convince that every thing is fine and everything is over. 

She know that she will be exposed to others, she dont want this to happen, if she dont want this exposure she should have remained faithful.expose her to her family, dont belive her touching over dress, In cheaters language it means sex.
Ask her for complete truth, no TT else tell her you will divorce her. If she have the guts to risk her family for a POS then she should be able to tell the complete truth.


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## 4shakhdar (Feb 15, 2012)

What's the punishment for a cheating wife in your country is it stoning ? If it is you have the winning card .


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Are you married? You say you got engaged 10 years ago...how long have you been married?

But yea, she's cheating. How sad too, to be so sexually repressed...but that's another topic.

between the two of you, do you have a good relationship?


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## renu (Feb 26, 2012)

To answer your questions and get more of your input, here goes:

1)	We got engaged 10 years and married 7 years ago (we got engaged pretty young, I was 22 and she was 19, but that’s not as crazy as might sound as it is considered somewhat normal, and it wasn’t an arranged marriage).

2)	From her records, I could see contact stopped about 2 weeks (or a little more) from when I found out. No messages, no phone calls, absolutely nothing. This seemed to be right after the message after he touched (and it said hug) and she said she couldn’t go ahead with this. Right after that time frame as I mentioned earlier, and before I found out, I noticed she was back to normal and always talking about what’s our next step to have kids and what options we have and started looking things up and showing me. Is that her guilt working?

3)	I’ve gone through her files and out of suspicion still did this weekend as mentioned and nothing at all. 

4)	Her “excuse” (pathetic I might add) was that I told her that the fantasy was something I approve of and she wanted to see if she could but when he touched her she knew she couldn’t and backed out (which begs another question, if she was fine with it, wtf would have happened). Maybe I’m in denial but I still get the feeling that they never slept together. And to be honest, what kills more are the love messages. She also claims those love messages were just bull**** to get to see if she has the guts to take it a step further. Another weird thing which confuses the hell out of (don’t know if it is or not), she spoke to him in English when he clearly from the messages has a hard time writing but she continued to when her strong point is Arabic and obviously his would also be. She has somewhat switched to speaking to me in English as the years passed by, but she still talks to everyone else in Arabic. 

5)	I cannot tell HR or threaten as this community is so fair, that the whole blame goes on the woman and the guy just gets away with it. So even telling his wife is off the table, for several reasons. Firstly, she doesn’t work and they have a kid (I still can’t confirm 100% it’s him btw) so by telling her it wouldn’t really fix anything. I also think it’s ridiculous that this is the way things work here, as he would get away with it and people would talk about her for life.

6)	She has given me passwords to unlock her phone which has her emails and her email passwords. I have complete access over her laptop so I can see which emails she uses so she can’t really hide anything unless it’s from work.

7)	She has accepted that she should resign and I even suggested I find a job somewhere else and she has to come with me and she agreed.

8)	Our relationship (and this is where it hurts) is (or I thought) pretty open. Given the events that happened in this country (people want reform, government doesn’t want to give in) and having to stay home and not get out after work since it’s not always safe, we go home and just chat all the time and talk about anything we want. Usually am gone from home from about 7:30-17:30 and she is gone from 7:30 to 16:00 and then we are stuck at home and if we want to do something, we will go together as it safer for the both of us.

9)	I already told her that I wanted the complete truth and if I ever find something else to be not true, this will mean I can no longer trust her and I cannot live with her. I told her I love her, but I cannot live with someone who lied to over and over again. I told her that right now it’s my way or the highway.

10)	I can’t even think of telling her family. Her mom will seriously die (heart condition) and as much am I was upset (much less now), I cannot hurt her family for what she did. I’m not that religious, but my religion says that we should be forgiving and not expose people. This isn’t easy at all. One month later I think that if she really never does this again, one day I will forget about this.

11)	Lastly, we don’t have stoning here (that’s only in Saudi I think).

sorry again if my post is was too long.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

I think you need to speak with the OM without her knowing your intentions and tell him you know what happened and you want to hear his side to who is telling the truth. Reveal nothing to either of them and see if the story matches up. If it doesn't, well you've been fed a line.
Inform her that if you find out she's lying that you will HAVE to tell her family - the fear of exposure to others is often more scary to a WW that revealing the truth to you.

Best wishes

N-B


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## renu (Feb 26, 2012)

i found out that she is still talking to the OM when i used a voice recorder. 

i confronted her and put her on the spot to choose (i went to her office building and told her to come down immediately). she said me and that she was talking to him trying to end it (easy excuse). she finally admitted it was the guy from work. i told her to send him a msg or call him on speakerphone right that moment that he cannot contact her in anyway. she took my phone and called his number and told me you tell him, and i said, i can't, you have to. 

The OM came down and i said don't pretend you don't know why you're here and i told her, i can't say anything until you do. she said, i choose my husband. he said he will not call or contact her at work. i said there is no way you can contact her cuz she is resigning anyway. he said no, you can't do that, i said oh yes i can. money can come and go, jobs can come and go, but if she wants to save this marriage she will resign, and she said yes, i will resign. he said no, he will figure something out and then i said some things and he said he wants to meet me later.

i gave my wife an ultimatum, 2 days (when she was with me all the time as she took days off so i know there are no lies). told her, if there's a slight chance to fix this, it's in her hands, not mine, she must own up and confess. the other solution is a separation and if we do, her family will find out why. she started admitting things from the first day, like they started talking three years ago but it was normal talk (but she still hid it from me). she said later on (she says she can't remember when exactly) the talk included love words and a few months ago they started exchanging pics and that he did send her pics of his private parts but she never did in return.

she said they met up once in a coffee shop and she didn't lie about the part that he touched her once. she said she was in an emotional mess from work and he offered to help her and he ended up hugging her but she says she never did hug back (my feelings are, she didn't stop it either). 

i can't give all the details but these are the major parts. the weirdest thing to me was when i saw him. he was my height, exact same haircut, and looks similar to me. is it strange or is it just me?

i still have somewhat of hope in this marriage. how does the healing even start? (the second DD was 1st of March and she completed her confessions by 3rd of March).


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

renu, go to the page linked here, about the 11 post down is the wayward spouse instructions. Take a look at them. It is usually recommended that you print them off and study them with your wife. Since I am not familiar with your culture I canreccomend what else you should do. Great work finding out about her and catching her a second time. You are obviously going to have to keep it up. Do not let her know how you are tracking her.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sided-need-perspective-please.html#post534068


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## renu (Feb 26, 2012)

thanks. i just read it and am just reading it over and over again. i will print them off as soon i go back from my inconveniently timed 2 day business trip. it's the third night where i have slept no more than an hour.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I already told her that I wanted the complete truth and if I ever find something else to be not true, this will mean I can no longer trust her and I cannot live with her. I told her I love her, but I cannot live with someone who lied to over and over again. I told her that right now it’s my way or the highway.





> i found out that she is still talking to the OM when i used a voice recorder.


Was she using a new phone?


So your wife is still lying. Your ultimatums did not work out. Time for some harsh consequences IMO. She does not think you will do it. Tell her that you are going to inform her family(though you can back out the last sec)


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you keeping your VARs going while you are gone? Do you have keylogger on her computer? GPS?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Just read your post again. At no point did she confess something on her own.(except the touching part). She kept lying and lying. I don't think you will get the truth even if there is more. She ha everything to lose. Talking to the OM after all this indicates they are still hiding something and the relationship is much deeper. But you won't get the truth from him either. They might have discussed what to tell you in case you confronted him.


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## renu (Feb 26, 2012)

VARs?
she never uses her computer. would gps help much if she leaves work on time like she has been since DD (first one) and 15-20 minutes later she reaches home and calls me from there? 
she's used her new phone (not the number, she didnt change that) to call him.
when i met the om, he said he never touched her and they were just messages and she started saying the same thing (he said it to me when we were alone for 5 min or so).

she was saying it wasn't true but after i said i want a separation if she wants to keep quiet she started talking. she also went and fixed our wedding ring and is wearing it again after half a year or so of not wearing it.


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## renu (Feb 26, 2012)

chapparal said:


> renu, go to the page linked here, about the 11 post down is the wayward spouse instructions. Take a look at them. It is usually recommended that you print them off and study them with your wife. Since I am not familiar with your culture I canreccomend what else you should do. Great work finding out about her and catching her a second time. You are obviously going to have to keep it up. Do not let her know how you are tracking her.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sided-need-perspective-please.html#post534068


thanks for this. i showed her this yesterday and at first she cried and stuff but then she said she will be here to make sure that she is there cuz this is all her fault. 

she has also agreed to have detailed phone bill records from now on. 

she has stated that she would understand it if i even put cameras on her from now on and she even told me, put them everywhere and she would understand cuz she damaged out marriage in a real bad way.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Renu, just reminding you, guilt is not equal to remorse..I think the fact she was still talking to him after the exposure to be the worst of her mistakes. I hope things work out for you.


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## renu (Feb 26, 2012)

thanks so much. 

i really appreciate your response. i know guilt doesn't equal remorse. 

i also agree that what hurt the most was that she talked to him after the first exposure. what killed me most was that i was put on blood pressure and cholesterol pills (bp right after first exposure) and she was there in every appointment, yet she still chose to talk to him. anyways, i'm trying not to repeat everything cuz i'm trying to feel better for the sake of me first.

i'm taking things very slowly but i have HOPE.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

VAR voice activated digital recorder. Here you can but them at electronics, office supply stores for making voice memos. You put them where she might use a secret phone. As far as leaving work on time, you don't know if they left early. It happens here a lot. One posters husband usually came home alittle early on the days hey was cheating. Sometimes they don't really go to work at all. You may be able to check pay stubs to see how many hours she is working if she gets paid by the hour. Some go to "work" eaarly. Cheaters find a way.


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## renu (Feb 26, 2012)

I’ve ordered two VAR already since I can’t find them here.
She doesn’t work per the hour and she works across the street so I can also check if she is lying. I’ve already checked her vacations and they tied up. She also calls me at least 5 times daily from her work phone so I know she is at work. 

She has been very apologetic (I know that doesn’t mean much) and sent me flowers to work.

Unfortunately she hasn't resigned yet because we sat together and she has entered into these things (not sure what they're called, basically group of people join and every month everyone pays and every month one person gets the full amount till everyone gets it) and that amount itself is almost 90% of her salary which would drive us into bankruptcy. She hasn't received those amounts yet but as soon as she does she has been applying for jobs already and has already stated she will resign as soon as she receives at least one of those things that covers paying for the rest.

The guy doesn’t work with her directly and yesterday she told me I have to tell u every single part of everything. Today he came by to the person opposite in the room and said a general hi to everyone but that was it and there has been no contact since the time I confronted him. 

Her sister has also been brought into the equation (was my idea) as she’s well respected by my wife. I told her the story and she was shocked and couldn’t believe it. She said she will talk to her and try to get as much as possible (and try to see if the story ties as well). She mentioned if she isn’t honest, then she’s fooling herself and fooling me and it isn’t worth taking a reconciliation step. 

Things are moving. The first time I caught her, I could tell something was still wrong but this time I am watching even more carefully and I can’t find anything that suggests she is hiding anything. I will still keep be so careful for months if not years before I can truly accept that she has changed.


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## renu (Feb 26, 2012)

Just thought I should update. 
Since the last time, I have the two VARs setup and review them (one at the car and one in the apartment) and no sign of anything anymore.

She sends me msgs when he comes to the room she works in (which has happened 3 times over the past month) and one time she had to go to the room he works in to one of the colleagues to get their approval and she wrote me first that he has to do that and what should she do.

She leaves work on time and she told me exactly where her car park is and how to look at it from where I work so I can when she is leaving. She also calls as soon as she gets home (which doesn't take much, at most 20 minutes) and the VARs can confirm she was driving for that long (stereo or phone calls to her mom or sisters usually). 

They seem to be good signs from her part and she has even stated no excuses, the full blame is on her and she knows that no matter what issues we had, she has made them much worse by doing that.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The point is if she wants to talk to him, she will find a way to do it. And she knows your sources. How long are you going to keep tabs on her?


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## renu (Feb 26, 2012)

i was thinking a month then random checks from time to time. my thinking was, for a month if she wants to start again she would be hesitant, but once she feels things are better it could start again.

I'm just keeping an open eye and hoping she is sincere now.
she isn't aware of the VAR in her car. for sure she knows one is in the house, cuz that's how i caught her the last time.

what do u think?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

renu said:


> Her sister has also been brought into the equation (was my idea) as she’s well respected by my wife. I told her the story and she was shocked and couldn’t believe it. She said she will talk to her and try to get as much as possible (and try to see if the story ties as well). She mentioned if she isn’t honest, then she’s fooling herself and fooling me and it isn’t worth taking a reconciliation step.


I think this was excellent and I'm glad you changed your mind about exposure. It was never about shaming her, it was all about enlisting someone to help snap her out of this fantasy. It's a lot harder to fool yourself when confronted by a loving blood relative.

My WS took anywhere from 4 to 6 weeks to recontact his AP (I will never know for sure unless I manage to find more emails for that time period). So I agree, sadly you have to wait a bit to see if her resolve to cut off contact is going to weaken again.


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## renu (Feb 26, 2012)

Yeah, that did seem to help. Her sister talked to her and from what I understood made her understand that any contact with him would be the end of our marriage since it's just unacceptable behaviour. Her sister told me that my wife said she made a huge mistake and she takes full responsibility for it.

It's been 5 weeks since the last contact as far as I know but am still using the VARs to make sure if anything is going on. I'm also checking on her to see what time she leaves work (can see her car from where I work). 

She just called me and said there are papers for him at work but she will just call a messenger to pass those papers since she doesn't want to pass the papers herself.

I know she can contact him if she wants (especially at work) but I really hope she isn't doing that. They used to have lunch together (as part of a group of almost 10), but now she doesn't eat lunch anymore and waits till she goes home. She says she cannot talk to him or contact him, so she doesn't know if he will be there for lunch, so it's better to skip lunch and have it late.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Renu---this is all well and good, but its not necessarily proof, as to why she is willing to R.

Is she agreeing to all of this, cuz she doesn't wanna lose face, as your culture would probably demand, is she staying cuz she is scared out of her mind, of being, D., and on her own, and being branded an adulteress, or somewhere in there, is there still some love for you?---But how could there be, for 3 years she has had a lover, where were you, not in her forfront, that's for sure!!!!!

I guarantee you, for 3 years you were in 2nd place, and do not be so sure she didn't do much more than she admits to.

The only way you are even here, and you found out, was cuz she needed you to fix her phone----for 3 yrs, she came home every night, looked you right in the eyes, and said everything was good/fine/allright---she knows how to decieve, lie, manipulate, and carry on an A. right in front of you, and you never even had an inkling.

You need to get much harsher about everything---sure she is complying, but remorse in of itself, is only an extension of dealing with her guilt---It is action that shows where she really stands

So she is checking in, so what---she could be standing right next to him, even while she is talking to you---remember, she had a 3 yr A., so don't be so hot to trot, that her checking in means more than it actually is

One of your earlier posts---where you talked to her lover---he fought very hard to try to keep you from making her quit---he said he would fix, this---what did he mean, and why was he allowed input, at all?????

You need to get down to the deep down CORE WHY---she needed to go outside the mge for 3 long years----what was lacking----

IMHO---you should take her phone away from her---she doesn't need it, go back 20 yrs, no one had cell phones---if they needed to talk it was on a land line---and you can't send pix, on a land line

She needs a whole lot more accountability---than a few phone calls everyday telling you where she is----what makes you think nothing will happen while you are gone---yes you have the VAR's, but what if the contact is at work---I know you say her continued presence at work is necessary---but her still at work, means she still sees him, and he is still in her mind----AND YOU DA*N WELL BETTER BELIEVE HE IS STILL THERE---a 3 year A., just does not end cold turkey.


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## renu (Feb 26, 2012)

Her response was that she had this thing with him as a way to get attention cuz I was too busy for her (working and working on getting on getting our new house constructed). 

3 years doesn't end that fast, but I'm just waiting and seeing at the moment. She claimed that it was just regular phone calls for the first two years but then last year it got different. 

Regarding him giving input, I told him to shut up and mind his own business and who is he to come between our marriage decisions! 

I don't actually take anything for granted at the moment, and am just keeping tabs to make sure if something happens so that I'm ready. Trust won't come back in a matter of days, or even weeks or months. 

As you said, actions speak louder than words so time will tell.

I don't think taking away her phone is a solution. I just think that's a way to stop things. If she wants to do things, she will do them regardless if she has a phone or not. If trust can't be regained after a while, then it's not worth being in that relationship. I can get full details of dialed phone calls and SMSes etc... whenever I want since I have access to her account. 

Am trying to stay calm for my sake (blood pressure and all).


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jnj express said:


> You need to get down to the deep down CORE WHY---she needed to go outside the mge for 3 long years----what was lacking----


This.

I am going out on a limb because your posts are few. What are YOUR motives for saving the marriage? Are you also concerned about shame on yourself and your family--or are you mostly motivated by love for her, and this is what has kept you from outing her publicly which would have ended the relationship immediately but permanently shamed her?

Books like His Needs / Her Needs and 5 Love Languages can help you understand what she needs from a life partner. She needs to be self-motivated to stay in the relationship with you out of love and not fear. She would also learn what your needs are in a lifelong relationship and how to meet them. Otherwise, why bother?


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## renu (Feb 26, 2012)

my motives are because of my love for her.
in our community, shame wouldn't come on me (might be strange), but she would just be blamed for everything. Actually guys can get away with lots of stuff and it would just be like, oh he's just a guy.

I'll get those books and guess both of us should read them.

She said the reason she did that was because when I came home I seemed tired and she wanted more attention. I basically used to spend abour 10-11 hours at work and spend another 1-2 hours at home trying to figure out what to do for the construction.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

renu said:


> my motives are because of my love for her.
> in our community, shame wouldn't come on me (might be strange), but she would just be blamed for everything. Actually guys can get away with lots of stuff and it would just be like, oh he's just a guy.
> 
> I'll get those books and guess both of us should read them.
> ...


Thats no excuse. As a matter of fact, its just another lie.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Thats no excuse. As a matter of fact, its just another lie.


 yes, I agree completely. let's think about that one. She feels neglected, and instead of talking to you about it, she decided to risk her reputation so profoundly? That just doesn't add up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You worked many hours everyday---so you and HER, could have a good life, and have finances to be able to live well, 

You have to work, what does she think money grows on trees

Her excuses, are lame, she was selfish, she was bored, and she wanted some excitement in her life

If you actually do give her this 2nd chance---make sure that she knows she is to talk to you, and I mean serious talk, about everything and anything that is bothering her

They say it will take 2 to 5 years for your mge., to get back to some semblance of normal/somewhat satisfied----you got a long road ahead of you

Make sure she has boundaries, with ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES, and that she DOES, all the heavy lifting, to get herself back into the mge, and to stay there.


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## renu (Feb 26, 2012)

She was extremely selfish and it bothers me like hell that I was working like hell for our sake. In the last couple of weeks she has been actually been telling me things that bother her for a change instead of the usual nothing is bothering me, stop asking, there's nothing there.
I have made it very clear, if there's such a thing as contact between them, then I cannot live with someone that refuses to change and refuses to respect me and that would be it. I told her I love her, but I won’t live with someone that doesn’t love me back and has no respect for me. 
We’ve already established boundaries and I told her it’s on her to do the hard parts. At first she refused but when I got furious and did lots of things that day, that’s when she seemed to talk and take responsibility for her actions (I know I haven’t given the complete picture, it’s just hard to remember all this stuff, and sometimes I don’t even remember the smaller details which is strange cuz I’m usually good at that).
It’s gonna be a rough road, I’m just hoping she’s honest and faithful from now on.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Just stay strong, and hold your ground

Make sure she knows, what her future is---if she refuses to go thru with the R., and backslides into more contact with her lover.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

While your wife has to do the heavy lifting you to have to look at yourself and understand what you should change in your own behaviours. A three year affair is bad news, that means another man has been fulfilling her conversations, listening , complimentary needs and such like. To maintain a healthy marriage you as the husband should learn what your wife's key needs are: try the following link

Love Busters Questionnaire

Below is an extract for one of the many books: - it's a bit wordy .


"The first level is that of cliché, where conversations are at their most superficial and fleeting. There is no depth or sharing at this level and would be most indicative of how you are with acquaintances

The second level is that of facts. Mostly mundane and ordinarily routine, discussions of facts avoid conflicts and disagreements. Interaction is relatively safe and topics tend to be impersonal and self-evident.

The third level is that of opinions. This opens up the potential for opposition and reveals more about how you respond to the goings-on in your life and how you feel about different issues. It is a test of a person’s willingness to be neutral and non-judging and to explore the possibility of unconditional acceptance

The realm of hopes and dreams is where you reveal more of yourself, about the person you strive to become and the future you aspire to. The promise is of the possible life that awaits you and your loved one. The challenge is the clarity of your vision as a couple as well as your discipline in delaying gratification in order to build and live your dreams.

Feelings reside at the next level and this is where the risks get higher and understanding goes deeper. In sharing feelings, you reveal your humanity and your need to be loved and listened to. An honest and responsible expression of your feelings is liberating and fosters a healthy mind and heart. The question is whether you are ready and willing to let your guard down and share how you really feel with your partner.

The sixth level of intimacy is faults, fears and failures. The emotional equivalent of being fully exposed, this is where you own up to your own shortcomings, tend to your past wounds and pick yourself up to move forward. At this level, acceptance is vital and the intentions of both partners provide the driving force of the relationship. Through forgiveness and by confronting your fears and asking for support, you humbly and bravely step up together to face the future

The highest level of intimacy is that of legitimate needs. What causes your relationship to thrive is when what you need and not what you want is central to your pursuit of happiness. This is where your physical need to be hold and be held; your intellectual need for stimulation; your emotional need to love and be loved; and your spiritual need for peace are fulfilled. Through acceptance, revelation and discovery you now build a life for you and your partner, an adventure bound by a common purpose"

Another good book is "his need, her needs" by Harley .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## renu (Feb 26, 2012)

Thanks for reply  I downloaded the link and will read ittoday for sure. 

I have looked in the mirror and made changes that I had to make (am sure still have to make more as well and am working on that). It's not an easy process at all but hopefully if we both actually commit, things can get better with time.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> At first she refused but when I got furious and did lots of things that day, that’s when she seemed to talk and take responsibility for her actions


What do you mean by "She refused?" Are you sure she is remorseful instead of going through the motions?


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## renu (Feb 26, 2012)

maybe i worded that wrong
what I meant was she refused to take full responsibility and blamed it on other things such as the devil. 
I got serious and said if I don't get the truth basically that I'd walk out, and I got up and said, when you make up your mind what it is you want and what you're doing, you tell me. It's all in your hands. She started weeping like hell, trying to even kiss my feet (for forgiveness) and she collapsed. I checked her blood pressure and it was beyond low. 

I don't know if the trigger was me leaving or what but that was the day she started opening up and oddly enough, she now tells me things she would have never told me before (I mean how she feels, what she's going through, if something strange happened even if it meant I wouldn't like it). 

The difference between the first D-Day and 2nd D-Day if I can call it that is that I felt something was wrong between 1st and 2nd D-Day and she was hiding things from me. Now I don't feel it, and for the first time, she would even leave her phone with me if she was going to get something from another room or when at her parents house. 

Either way, I'm gonna take this slow cuz I can't afford to be too optimistic.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

The diff., tween 1st D-day, and 2nd D-day---was that you were dead serious the 2nd time around, to the point of letting her no in no uncertain terms---that if she didn't wake up, and cut the crap----you were gone

Unfortunately---to many betrayed do not get to that point, so their spouse never is faced with consequences, that they don't want to happen, so they don't change----you yanked your spouse out of her reverie----now we shall see if she is serious, and if she wants to do the heavy lifting to make the R., possible


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