# Please help. My marriage is in trouble.



## Lonely00 (Aug 8, 2014)

My wife and I have been married now for over 7 years. We dated for 6 years before that. We have twin 4 year old girls. They are the center of our lives. We both have professional jobs that require a lot of our time. I do pretty well and my wife does extremely well. From the outside our family looks perfect. 

About 2 weeks ago I happened to notice a text message on my wife's phone when I went to retrieve it for her. It was a text from her best friend. I started reading further and saw where my wife was saying how miserable she was and how the road was going to be rough ahead. When I asked her what it meant she got really defensive and would not talk to me about it. I decided to ask again later that night. That is when she told me that she loves me like a brother and does not find me attractive anymore. In fact she said she hasn't loved me for years. Then she told me that she knows that I am cheating on her! This was the worst thing I have ever had anyone tell me before. It crushed my heart coming from a woman whom I love unconditionally. First of all, I have never cheated on her. She was looking at my text messages and took a conversation out of context I was having with a co worker. 

For the past three years I have noticed that she has become more distant and wanted to have sex less and less. I asked her periodically what was going on but she would never talk to me about it. She would just compare us to other couples who didn't have sex much and seemed content with her justification. About 8 months ago she made it clear that she did not like sex and I should only let her initiate it. I know that I put pressure on her for sex. I didn't mean to but sometimes I seemed grumpy or out of it if it had been a long time. I was really feeling lonely at times and unloved. There were even times where I felt like a pervert for wanting to make love to my wife. I tried to talk to her but she would get angry and start comparing us to other couples and saying all marriages are like ours.

I have made a huge effort to not pressure her. We are a great team at home and have wonderful children. She is not sure if she can love me again and not sure if she wants to try. I got her to agree to counseling so that is good. We have each separately met with our counselor and will meet together next week. 

I don't want to lose my family. The kids don't deserve it. I love my wife and kids more than anything and would do anything to keep them. My whole world feels turned upside down and I am experiencing anxiety as I go about my days. It is hard for me to concentrate. I am a great father and husband. I can't think of why she would not have feelings for me. I don't know what to do. Please help!


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## confused801 (Aug 8, 2014)

Oh my god I feel like you are me 1000% as I so similar to you guys and I am so sorry... 
I know exacltey how you feel. I just booked a counseling session today for next week.

My wife said to me the other night thinsg like - "the more I know you the less I want to have sex" and she used the words "best friends" with me. Its horrible! 

And yes, I always want sex and for her its just a chore. I have always tried to please her and do things for her but she refuses to be pleased. I dont remeber an orgasm in from her in our 8 years of marriage!

As I read this I felt like I had written it.


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## confused801 (Aug 8, 2014)

Sorry...I realize I am of no help to you. I'm just another messed up Husband and father wondering how this is going to play out.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

so, you got the equivalent of the I LOVE YOU BUT AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU, and she accused you of cheating, and thinks of your marriage as a friendship?

WHo IS she having sex with then? Go quiet, and check out her electronic media for more info.


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> so, you got the equivalent of the I LOVE YOU BUT AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU, and she accused you of cheating, and thinks of your marriage as a friendship?
> 
> WHo IS she having sex with then? Go quiet, and check out her electronic media for more info.


:iagree: That goes for you to confused. But go start your own thread.
OP, little bit more info, does your wife work, over protect her phone or is on facebook a lot?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Wow - lots of red flags. I think she is keeping herself pure for the OM.

At this point, you need to start to have the attitude of being able to lose the M to save it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

First and foremost, you need to take children completely out of this and DO NOT consider them when making marriage decisions.

Remember, sticking around in an unhealthy marriage = teaching your children what that is with YOUR relationship......which you already stated that is broken. You do NOT want to do that. That's more damage than having daddy and mommy be separated.

Now, onto the issue at hand.

#1 issue I see is lack of sex/intimacy. I'm not sure about you but I would NOT put up with that for even a MONTH. Better yet, make that 2 weeks. If your wife doesn't care about you enough to a) satisfy her loved one or b) know the risk by not doing so......what does that tell you? She doesn't care about you WITH ACTIONS.

#2 I would look into her phone/email etc. Ask her about it and ask her to hand over the phone and passwords. NOW: you are NOT looking to get her phone (well you are too) but the main goal here is HER REACTION!!! Watch her closely. Any sign of anger/rejection = something is up. If she does not provide you with her phone/info right there and then = she will go off and delete what you want to see/find out.

#3 Fact that she got defensive upon bring up her convo with coworker is very suspicious. Also, fact that she is sharing private relationship details with a coworker is a HUGE red flag. 

#4 She should have enough respect for you to be able to COME to you and COMMUNICATE to you when there are issues with your relationship. How in the world does some co worker know about your relationship issues before you do? That is out of this world, I'm sorry. Ask her to NOT get into her private life at work, she is not only making herself and you look awful to her ENTIRE COMPANY but also it's very inappropriate and disrespectful towards you and your relationship.

NOW, you need to be cool, calm and disciplined when you talk to your wife about all of this. I hope you guys have fighting rules, but will assume that you don't. Absolutely no anger/name calling etc (you need to define all this with her). If you sense anger from you or her, walk away > come back at a later time. Key here is to have a mature/adult conversations about issues at hand and work together to resolve them.

I would start there....


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Spouse has been sharing details of your relationship issues (real or imagined)
+
"I love you like a sibling and I'm not attracted to you"
+
"I haven't loved you for years"
+
Outrageous accusation of infidelity
+
Growing distance between you
+
Little to no sex
+
Shaming you for wanting sex

= cheating spouse

Others here may well disagree, but I would think that attending couples counseling right now would be fairly fruitless.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Lonely, unfortunately this is a very common situation we see here all the time. The wife gradually starts losing sexual interest, and then eventually says things like your did such as I like you as a brother, a roommate, a friend, etc, but not as a man or a lover. Its all a variation of the I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you speech.

Now here is the the real bad part. In about 99.9% of these cases, the W is cheating. You need to realize what you are most likely up against. Time for you to stop talking about this (to her) and start digging.

Sorry you find yourself here.


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## Lonely00 (Aug 8, 2014)

I have always kind of worried about her cheating because of the lack of sex. I have asked her before and she swears up and down she is not. I have looked through her private phone and found nothing. Her work phone is locked. If she is cheating she covers her tracks well. She also has no free time. She does travel with work a week or two every month.


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## Lonely00 (Aug 8, 2014)

Part of me wants to try and heal our marriage and the other part of me just wants to run. What keeps me from doing so are my kids. I can't live without seeing them every day. My W doubles my salary so I am sure she would get custody. This is not fair. I keep praying and get no answers. What have I done to deserve this? For the past few weeks we have remained calm and not talked about it much. She is more distant than ever but pleasant to be around. Any suggestions?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Lonely00 said:


> She does travel with work a week or two every month.


That alone will effect ANY marriage/relationship.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Lonely00 said:


> I have always kind of worried about her cheating because of the lack of sex. I have asked her before and she swears up and down she is not.


 Studies show that in the majority of cases of infidelity, the spouse never even has a suspicion, even if the infidelity is the real reason for a divorce. Studies also show that cheaters almost never admit to cheating even when presented with hard evidence. Thus her denials are not an indicator that she is not cheating. 



Lonely00 said:


> I have looked through her private phone and found nothing. Her work phone is locked. If she is cheating she covers her tracks well. She also has no free time. She does travel with work a week or two every month.


 No sex, the not in love with you speech, long work hours, locked work phone, and regular travel, means that her affair partner is a co-worker. Co-workers are the number one source of affair partners for people that work. We had one recent poster that had the same indicators as you where he found out that some of his wife's business trips were vacation trips that she was taking with her co-worker lover, and had nothing to do with her work. Add in the fact that she is talking about her issues with you with her friends means that she may be planning to leave you in the near future.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Lonely00 said:


> I have always kind of worried about her cheating because of the lack of sex. I have asked her before and she swears up and down she is not. I have looked through her private phone and found nothing. *Her work phone is locked. * If she is cheating she covers her tracks well. She also has no free time. *She does travel with work a week or two every month*.


Lonely, I'm so sorry to say that your opening post is like a quintessential "wife is cheating" post. So many red flags. The quote above contains two more classic red flags: Her phone is locked (Spouses with nothing to hide, hide nothing.) and she travels for work. (not a red flag in itself, but in the context of your situation.)

If you google "signs of a cheating spouse" you'll find yourself nodding your head at many of them. Emotional distance, lack of sex and affection, the ILoveYouButNotInLoveWithYou line, or some variation. Another classic one is when she accuses YOU of cheating. She's projecting her behavior onto you.

I'm sorry you're here. But this is a great place for advice, so listen to the wise voices here.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Lonely00 said:


> She also has no free time. She does travel with work a week or two every month.


The two statements above don't make any sense!


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Lonely00 said:


> I have always kind of worried about her cheating because of the lack of sex. I have asked her before and she swears up and down she is not.


Sure she denies it. People deny DNA and lie detector tests. It's nothing to swear up and down that you're not cheating when it's just a question you're answering.



> I have looked through her private phone and found nothing. *Her work phone is locked. If she is cheating she covers her tracks well.* She also has no free time. She does travel with work a week or two every month.


Oh, what a peek through that phone would reveal...


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Also Lonely00....don't ever ask your wife if she's cheating. If she's cheating, then that means she's capable of lying like she's an Oscar-winning actress. Also, by outright asking, that means she'll take her affair underground, making it much harder for you to gather evidence.

You have to go into James Bond mode now to quietly gather evidence so you can find out what's going on.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

barbados said:


> Now here is the the real bad part. In about 99.9% of these cases, the W is cheating. .


I highly doubt that! I am no mathmetician, but would guess the % women who do the ILYBINILWY, AND are cheating, is more like *40%.* A lot of women just either fell out of love, got bored, never loved you to begin with, have hormonal issues, and on and on.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

murphy5 said:


> I highly doubt that! I am no mathmetician, but would guess the % women who do the ILYBINILWY, AND are cheating, is more like *40%.* A lot of women just either fell out of love, got bored, never loved you to begin with, have hormonal issues, and on and on.


Here on TAM, it may not be 99.9 percent, but it certainly IS 90 percent.

Edit: Maybe it's 40 percent cheating, 25 percent about to, with a target in mind, and 25 percent thinking seriously about it. Adds up to 90 percent!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

sh987 said:


> Sure she denies it. People deny DNA and lie detector tests. It's nothing to swear up and down that you're not cheating when it's just a question you're answering.
> 
> 
> 
> Oh, what a peek through that phone would reveal...


look at the phone when she is not around, by shining light slanted on the screen. Maybe you can see where her fingers are going to sign in the password. Then all you need is the sequence. If the screen is too smudged, clean it for her, and then look again after she has used it! maybe cook up some buttery popcorn for her as a treat! LOL

Also you can just casually watch her key in the password. It might take you 5 or 10 times to catch all the digits, but you can probably figure it out eventually.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Cubby said:


> Here on TAM, it may not be 99.9 percent, but it certainly IS 90 percent.


as topol on the planet Vulcan once said: "I weep for thee"


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## Lonely00 (Aug 8, 2014)

I was able to look through her phone tonight and there was nothing. Email was clean and everything. The only thing I can't see is her work phone. It is locked and has an extensive password as her corporation requires it. Surely she wouldn't use her work phone to cheat???


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Lonely00 said:


> I was able to look through her phone tonight and there was nothing. Email was clean and everything. The only thing I can't see is her work phone. It is locked and has an extensive password as her corporation requires it. Surely she wouldn't use her work phone to cheat???


If its a co worker, she does not need to use any phone. They obviously can talk in person. Not every affair is found out by phone use.

The point you need to realize is that your W has displayed several major red flags, and you have told us that she travels for work 1 to 2 weeks per month, so she has plenty of opportunity.

And yes, cheaters would use a work phone and often do.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Did you ask your wife why she doesn't tell you what her issues are? It would bother me if my husband was running off and telling others about problems with me that he didn't tell me first and try to resolve. It is like gossiping about your spouse. That is like a betrayal to me!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Lonely00 said:


> I have always kind of worried about her cheating because of the lack of sex. I have asked her before and she swears up and down she is not. I have looked through her private phone and found nothing. Her work phone is locked. If she is cheating she covers her tracks well. She also has no free time. She does travel with work a week or two every month.


Sorry man...I have been here way to long and seen posts like this time and again (look under my user name) and I know how this ends.

My advise is go James Bond and get in the know...your old lady is several steps ahead of you and it's time to catch up by quitly doing our own investigation and confronting her with hard facts...cuz my old lady denied on our kids lives that she wasn't phucking around!

Sir your wife has too many red flags....all the signs are there...time to get stealthy and confront her with the reality of her bad choices and the direction the both of you want to go.

Cuz her infidelity is not going to help, it's time to make her face reality by getting a couple of step a head of your wife by knowing the truth.

And trust me she won't tell you sh1t until she sees it in black and white..or colored glossy pictures.

Get a voice activated recorder and plant it under her car seat. Hire a PI if you got the dough, and look for a burner phone. next time she travels check her luggage before and after her trip.

When you start looking you will find a hell of a lot more red flags....she is to busy for a reason.....sorry bro but someone is meeting her needs!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW...your chick is defflecting when she accuses you of cheating......it doesn't feel so bad when she closes the door behind her as she leave the other mans hotel room.

As long as her affair fog has her head thinking your cheating; her guilt isn't so bad when she looks in the mirror and sees what she has become.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Lonely00 said:


> I have always kind of worried about her cheating because of the lack of sex. I have asked her before and she swears up and down she is not. I have looked through her private phone and found nothing. Her work phone is locked. If she is cheating she covers her tracks well. She also has no free time. She does travel with work a week or two every month.


Sorry man...I have been here way to long and seen posts like this time and again (look under my user name) and I know how this ends.

My advise is go James Bond and get in the know...your old lady is several steps ahead of you and it's time to catch up by quitly doing our own investigation and confronting her with hard facts...cuz my old lady denied on our kids lives that she wasn't phucking around!

Sir your wife has too many red flags....all the signs are there...time to get stealthy and confront her with the reality of her bad choices and the direction the both of you want to go.

Cuz her infidelity is not going to help, it's time to make her face reality by getting a couple of step a head of your wife by knowing the truth.

And trust me she won't tell you sh1t until she sees it in black and white..or colored glossy pictures.

Get a voice activated recorder and plant it under her car seat. Hire a PI if you got the dough, and look for a burner phone. next time she travels check her luggage before and after her trip.

When you start looking you will find a hell of a lot more red flags....she is to busy for a reason.....sorry bro but someone is meeting her needs!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

what type of panties does she use on her "business trips". if they are white granny panties in her suitcase as she returns.....you might have caught a break. If they are lacy kinky ones, and she saves the granny panties for around the house use....you have your answer there.

Also, they do make semen detection kits for home use. You can test the travel panties before she washes them for semen. Inexplicably, affair sex is often unprotected sex.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Or how about this:

Tell her you will be willing to take a lie detector to prove you've never cheated if she's willing to do the same

Her answer will speak volumes about what she's been up to
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Passion. What is your passion? I don't mean love for your wife or children. I mean, what do you really like doing on your own? What do you like to accomplish? Some like to help the elderly and go to great lengths getting involved with all that entails. Some enjoy joining a group that helps to repair or build homes for the poor. They are so passionate about it, they spend time getting involved in the business end of it. They love to help others.

Women love to see passion in a man. It just seems to bring out interest where there seemed none was present. It is not a cure all for your relationship. 

Passion is one thing that sometimes causes women to overlook inequalities with money. The other good thing about something like this is, you are helping others, building new friendships, getting away from the issues in your marriage and building confidence and self-esteem you may have lost due to the troubles in your marriage. 

What are you passionate about? What could you get passionate about?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

On the other hand, I bet there are a bunch of women out there who would believe you to be a catch, just as you are, but I realize you have children. Can't forget them, but I do think one post here was correct. You have to separate your decisions to stay from the thoughts of being with your children. IMO, it's better to let your children see you make a tough decision and live happily, than to stay for them and be unhappy. YMMV


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