# Ridiculous or Reasonable??



## Kennyboooooo (Oct 24, 2014)

My wife and I have a disagreement which threatens to destroy our marriage, because we are both very strong in our feelings. We would like to hear others' views and/or advice on how we can get passed this, and move on. Any posts would be greatly appreciated. Here's the situation: my wife and I live together in an apartment in Manhattan. My son lives in New Jersey, and I spend every other weekend in NJ with him. The alternate weekends, I am home in Manhattan. One recent Sunday morning, at around 9am, my wife got a call from her sister saying that she was taking the car to Costco and do some shopping, and invited my wife to join her. As we don't have a car, and this was a rare opportunity to do do bulk shopping, my wife said ok, and left me a nice note saying that she was going to Costco with her sister (I was still asleep). They ended up going to a couple of other stores, and she got home at 2:30 pm. Later that day, I told my wife that I was disappointed that she had gone out for so many hours without checking with me, because I was hoping that she and I would spend the day together. I told her that I really look forward to our weekends together and asked that, in the future, could she please just check with me before going out or making plans for several hours during our weekends together. I told her that I wasn't mad, just disappointed, and that, had she checked with me, I almost certainly would have understood and not objected, but I would just appreciate being consulted in the future. My wife however took great offense to my suggestion, saying that she shouldn't have to ask my permission to go shopping with her sister. She says that I am being totally unreasonable, and overly sensitive, and she has no intention of doing anything differently in the future. She feels that she wrote me a nice note, with hearts and smileys on it, and that was sufficient communication. She does not believe that, in the future, she should have to wake me and ask how I feel about it. I told her that makes me feel hurt because it seems that she doesn't care about my wishes. I told her that the only reason I feel the way I do is because I love her and treasure our time together, and that I'd hope that she respects my wishes. She says absolutely not, because she'd then be giving in to an unreasonable demand on my part, which suffocates her freedom. She feels that she went shopping for the two of us, and cooked me a nice meal that night (which she did) and that it is totally ridiculous of me to say that I was disappointed or felt hurt. She feels that I should be stronger emotionally, and not so needy. I, on the other hand, don't feel that I am being needy, but simply asking for a reasonable courtesy from my life partner-- a courtesy which I'm happy to show her in return, because I think that's how healthy relationships should work. She strongly disagrees and told me that if I asked ten people, all ten would agree with her. But I don't want to hang my dirty laundry for my family and friends, so I decided to post here instead, and hope that some of you may weigh in with opinions or advice. Thank you.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

i do know how you feel. I also see her point too. Did you and her plan anything for that day, and she blew you off? of was it all unsaid, and you just had a vague feeling that the 2 of you would spend the day together? I am leaning a little toward your wife's point of view.

Well, this is 2014, not 1910. You can not expect ma to be on the farm picking up the eggs laid when you get up! She, having one of those horseless carriages available, might be somewhere else! Next time plan a day ahead!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Before giving an opionion here, I'd like some more details. 

Why do you go to Jersey to see your son instead of him coming to NY to stay with you?

Where do you stay on the weekends when you see your son?

How old is your son?

How long have you and your wife been married?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

" I almost certainly would have understood and not objected, but I would just appreciate being consulted in the future."

sooo..if you wouldn't have objected, and that day would be exactly the same, what did you want her to do differently? wake you up, and say bye?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you behaved in an ass-like manner, especially given you chose to be gone from your home every second weekend. But that's my knee jerk reaction to your wall of text. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Does she have a cell phone. You could have sent nice texts or called you know.

Based on what I read, wine, cheese and flowers chased with an apology would be an excellent resolution.

And chocolate. Syrup if you know what I mean...


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## Kennyboooooo (Oct 24, 2014)

Response to elegirl. And murphy5

We had no specific plans for the day.

I go to him, and stay at his mom's house with him (she stays at a friend's) because he always has activities such as baseball, choir, etc., which I need to shuttle him to. my son is 15 y/o, and my wife and I have been married about a year.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)




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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Do you take the car on your trips to Jersey? If so, leave it with her on those weekends so she can hit the Costco without taking up your time together. 

Does your wife work full time? If so, weekend grocery shopping is probably a necessity and a huge time suck for anyone...with or without a vehicle.

Ask your wife to wake you up at 7AM from now on during your weekends together so you can plan each day and determine how to get chores done and still make room for couple time.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

...and take her to Costco


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Kennyboooooo said:


> I go to him, and stay at his mom's house with him (she stays at a friend's) because he always has activities such as baseball, choir, etc., which I need to shuttle him to. my son is 15 y/o, and my wife and I have been married about a year.


Wow, your wife is a very understanding and trusting woman. On second thought, my suggestion is to buy her a car and her own Costco membership.


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## Kennyboooooo (Oct 24, 2014)

To clarify, we don't have a car. I take the train, and then use my older son's car ( he's away at college) while in N.j. That's why the opportunity to go to costco with a car is a rare opportunity that she wanted to rake advantage of.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

you stay at your ex's house? I would go to Costco every weekend if you did that to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did your wife know about this every other weekend in New Jersey thing when she married you?

Does she ever go with you to NJ for these visits? If so why not?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Kenny, you said yourself this was a rare opportunity for her so it doesn't happen that often. She was nice and didn't wake you so you could sleep in and left you a cute note. You made a big deal out of nothing. You need to apologize.


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

Hi Mate,
This Could be her way of showing you how she feels about you going away every other weekend. I don't think it was unreasonable because your day together was pulled from under you and to speak with her about it in a nice manner I feel was the right way to approach the situation. 

In saying that, she also has a point. She saw an opportunity for bulk shopping and took it, she provided for the relationship in another way. Either she is trying to make a point about your absence in some other way or she enjoys time away from you not necessarily because of YOU, just some free time.

I would test the boundaries by doing the same thing to her with a mate of yours. Just vanish for half the day and leave a nice note. Then tell her the same things she said to you and see how she reacts. If she is pissed, she was trying to make a point. If she is ok, then that is the gauge of your relationship. Make sure your vanishing act has some benefit on the relationship some how so that you don't seem selfish.

The reason I would test the boundaries like this is because it seems to be a non negotiable point with her and talk will result in an argument. Bear in mind I'm passive aggressive. Also, if its bulk shopping, could this not be done on the weekend that you are away, or could you move your weekend away to the other week?

Good luck mate


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife goes far beyond what 99% of people (men and women) would agree with in putting up with you being away every other weekend. And now you think she should be waiting around on your weekends together, while you sleep in, to find out what you want to do.

Like you said, your weekend together are precious since you two only spend every other weekend together. Treat them like something special. Plan ahead of time…. Days ahead of time. Otherwise, if Saturday morning arrives and you two have no plans, there is no reason that either one of you cannot go out for a while. 

Shopping is a huge chore that both of you are responsible for. She took the initiative to go to Costco when she had a chance. And you got to sleep in and spend some quiet time alone decompressing from the week. She was home by 2:30. That’s plenty early for you two to have a great evening either at home together or out on the town.

Now you both should tell the other when you are going out. Your wife did that. She left you a nice note. Beyond that, as far as she knew your plan was to just sleep in.


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## Kennyboooooo (Oct 24, 2014)

Hi-- the NJ situation is not an issue. I've been doing this since I met my current wife. My ex-wife has a boyfriend, and does not stay there when I do. We all agree that the arrangement works best for all concerned, because of my son's activities. Other options are to Live to N.j, which my wife doesn't want to do, or rent a hotel every weekend, which is prohibitively expensive. My wife doesn't want to come to NJ with me on my weekend visits, and she enjoys having the time to herself, and dealing with stuff in her life. Occasionally, when my son has no activities, he comes to the city, and my wife and I find plenty of opportunities to all be together with my son. It all works out very well, and is agreeable to everyone. It's just temporary-- In a couple of years, he'll be off to college, and we will no longer have to go through this. But for now, it's agreeable to everyone as the best option under the circumstances.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Ridiculous


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think you were a bit needy and weak.
However I don't think your wife's response to you was in any way appropriate. Marriage is not a war. It's like she's trying to defend midway island.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

There is a reason she took that hard line and I'm not sure her husband knows what it is.


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

After reading others posts and your responses. Ignore my first post. She sounds like a good woman and I would not test any waters with her. I was wrong.
Cheers


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Ridiculous or Reasonable??*



clipclop2 said:


> There is a reason she took that hard line and I'm not sure her husband knows what it is.


Can you please elaborate CC?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I dont know myself but my guess is he doesn't know her real feelings about his weekends away.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP you were unreasonable. You owe your wife an apology.

She is a SAINT to tolerate your being away every second weekend. I wouldn't tolerate that. No way. I don't know any other wife that would either.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I vote ridiculous; If you had told her about some plans you had that's one thing, but you had no plans other than sleeping late. So you expected her to do what? Just sit and wait for you to roll out of bed and then tell her how her day was going to be?

Get over yourself, you sound needy and controlling, she did all that was necessary by leaving you a note.

Also I don't blame her for not wanting to go spend every other weekend sleeping in your ex wife's home, can't you see how uncomfortable that would be for her? Is this the home you shared with your ex? God bless you and the ex for working out such an arrangement but not many people would be comfortable with that scenario.


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## Kennyboooooo (Oct 24, 2014)

Thanks to everyone for the input. Keep 'em coming. But I ask that folks not get sidetracked by the every-other-weekend arrangements I have with my son. It is my court- mandated obligation to be with my son every other weekend, and of course I treasure our time together. If we lived in NJ, he would come and stay with my wife and I, but we choose to live in Manhattan, and both agreed that our mutual desire to stay in Manhattan would mean that we would spend every other weekend apart. That was a mutual decision, and one that we are both very comfortable with, as a temporary situation between now and the time he goes off to college. Co-parenting is very challenging, particularly when either or both spouses find themselves in a new relationship. My wife and I sat down and agreed on what the best arrangement was for us for the next couple of years, considering both my legal obligation to care for my son every other weekend, and the realities of his several activity obligations in NJ during the weekends. In other words, while I appreciate the suggestions that perhaps these arrangements are somehow a deep-rooted frustration on the part of my wife, I sincerely do not believe that is the case. We've spoken about it on several occasions, and both feral that we are very fortunate that my ex-wife and I have the sort of relationship that we can make this work as well as it does without disrupting our son's life.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Count me in with the people thinking it's unreasonable of you to want to have control over your wife's activities, to the point where you expect her to wake you up to discuss her going somewhere without you.

When she got back, you could just have said it was too bad you didn't get much time together that day, but you hoped she had fun with her sister, and just LOOK at all the paper towels and toilet paper she came back with!

Your wife will know that you get disappointed when she's gone so much on your weekend at home, and she'll have that information to hand when she makes her next decision about her weekend plans.

If she routinely chooses other activities over spending time with you, then you might have a problem. Once off, for what you express is a valid reason, is not a problem.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> Kenny, you said yourself this was a rare opportunity for her so it doesn't happen that often. She was nice and didn't wake you so you could sleep in and left you a cute note. You made a big deal out of nothing. You need to apologize.


^ This.

You're being controlling and selfish, and even somewhat clingy needy.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How old is your son?

I've never EVER heard of such a court-ordered obligation in my life. Doubtful this was thrust on you. You allowed it to be written into the agreement. And agreements can be changed.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You don't want to hear anything about your weekends away, except that you don't seem to get what a monumental thing it is that your wife goes along with it. I sure as sh!t wouldn't. ....I think you behaved poorly and should apologize. Why should your wife plan every waking moment around you when you're taking off so much? You owe her the same understanding she gives you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> agreements can be changed.


It's much harder to change a court enforced agreement than something ordered by the court.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Please explain.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Count me amongst those that think your reaction was unreasonable.

She had a rare opportunity to go to Costco with her sister ( in a car) allowing her to get items she can't get normally. (In bulk anyway)

Heck even if she was going to out anywhere with her sister for a few hours, she left you a note. You were asleep. She was gone on a Sunday morning. Read the paper. Set your fantasy lineup. Go back to bed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Please explain.


It's a lot easier to make the argument that a decision by the court was unfair because you had no say in it. You could build a case by providing supporting evidence to demonstrate why the court was unfair or in error.

But if the two parties agree to something, and submit it to the court to make it official, because they originally agreed to it, the court needs a very compelling reason to change it- because by the very nature of it being an agreement, the parties both claimed it was fair at the time it was signed.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Have you ever heard of such am agreement as this guy's? Does his ex use it so she can go stay at her other family's house every other weekend?

One would think that it would be just as inconvenient for her.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Kennyboooooo said:


> It is my court- mandated obligation to be with my son every other weekend.
> 
> 
> clipclop2 said:
> ...


I've never seen anything like that and I've read a LOT of case law.

My guess is that he's got visitation every other weekend and he's interpreting that to mean he has to be with his son every other weekend or he'll get in some sort of trouble, such as loss of visitation or contempt of court charges or something of that nature.

It's my understanding that a court cannot compel a parent to spend time with a child on such a rigid basis. That would be unreasonable. Even if he stipulated to such visitation that subsequently became "so ordered by the court".

I mean, think about it.. what would a court do? The mother takes him to court because he missed a few weekends. So what? The court isn't going to do anything about that. 

If he totally stopped visiting his son, or rarely saw him, well then perhaps the mother could make the case for reduced visitation, but that's the way it works regardless of any agreements between the parties.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

If they live in Manhattan they probably make pretty good bucks and are not stupid. Misinterpreting the agreement doesn't seem likely though it may be convenient for him.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think it's very likely he uses it justify what he's doing. There's nothing wrong with taking all possible opportunities see his son but my guess is that while his wife may have agreed to it she's not as ok with it as he claims and he knows it. That's why he invokes the court.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Honestly I can see both sides in this .. I am sure she had no idea you would be *this upset *since you had nothing planned and you go off every other weekend.. someone suggested she do this sort of shopping when you are away.. this would be very helpful but this was mentioned as a "special opportunity" or something...?? 

So I think she was blindsided by your reaction...

Now having said all of this.. I am the type of woman who would ask how husband feels, I run things past him.. I would have woke him up...He is standing here.. I explained both sides in this.. he would rather have been woken up also.. ... sometimes people are compatible in this.. and sometimes they are not... I can't even think of one argument over something like this in our 30 + yrs together.. 

I think people are geared one way or the other.....feeling "what is the big deal - I left a note, I was considerate"...whereas another person would have just APPRECIATED the "heads up".. that's all.. 

I'm feeling, if she woke you up...you would have handled this in a very different way.. do you think ?

Now that you & her are AWARE of your differences in how one FEELS (you aren't much for surprises)...I can just see it, maybe you woke up really in the mood.. then found that note.. and was ticked.. (was it something like this?)..

BUt anyway....just chalk this up as a learning experience.. and hopefully she will be more forthcoming in what is going on in the future..(as you would appreciate this -even if she thinks it's stupid)... especially if you are right there to ask... but this time.. give her a little grace.. 

It just seems you have both allowed this to snow ball... likely by your *attitudes*.. both defending your own point of view -taking it too many notches..


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## Invictusme (Oct 9, 2014)

I understand both sides of this situation. 

You feel you are asking her to respect your desires to spend quality time with her. 

She wants to have some freedom within the relationship. My opinion is that you should ease up and let her grow her own wings as it were. She is not leaving you you know?

I think you are possibly being a bit overly animated about this issue, especially when it is not a regular occurrence AND SHE has had to conform to YOUR visits away every other weekend. How would you feel if on the day you're going to visit your son she suddenly says "I want to spend today with you. Please respect my wishes"

If you love her, let her fly. Your marriage will be better for it.


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