# why is life so difficult



## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

last night i went against my h's wishes as it was going to mean my little boy missing out on something he loves. h then said I can do what i want made my son feel guilty and he ended up saying sorry to his dad. My h has no consideration for anyone else and it is his actions that this dispute has ended like this. last night hardly spoke only gave me one word answers when i speak to him. i really really hate this as it is almost every day he is like this. Trying to organise a holiday here instead of abroad which he was okay with but now does not want to pay the prices but is willing spend a couple of hundred on something for him that he does not need just wants. Last night he also said that he was not going on holiday if we cannot go abroad. the other week he asked me if i was having an affair or had a hidden agenda. I have told him no but am fed up with the way i am being treated. i cannot go on like this with him as it is not worth it anymore. How sad is it when a dad makes a child feel guilty for something when it is the dad that has actually caused the whole situation!!!!!!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

So, why are you (still) married to him?


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

very good question but cannot give you an answer as I do not know.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Sounds like your husband may have NPD or narcissistic personality disorder, you might want to look online for a better explanation and a test that would identify such.

If that's the case and he does have NPD...then you should probably just make your exit plan and get the hell out because he'll never change...

Preacher


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

thanks for that. I have had a look and it does sound very like him. I did not know that there was even a name for it. 

It does make things clearer but now it is about getting the courage to do the best for me and the childrnen.


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## MrsRutland (Jan 21, 2009)

before you dump him read surrendered wife by laura doyle my other half used to be like that when I was pregnant with my 1st he wouldn't buy anything for the baby not even the cot or pram as it would be a waste of money and should wait until he was born he used to spent hundreds in the pub every week though! going out loads he had ago at me because I asked him to stay home one Sunday then he rung me to have ago because 'I made him feel guilty about it' I left him and when I was in labour we got back together (great timing on his part) but after reading that book and changing myself (basically just keeping quiet and seeing what would happen) our whole relationship is so brilliant he is so good now I feel so happy I don't feel surpressed and sometimes I thought he would do the selfish thing and to mysurprise he would do something nice for me or our kids it takes a while but when you have taken vows and have had kids I deffinately think you should fight to make it work. Maybe you would prefer to try something else but please try for the sake of your child but if he doesnt improve then yes deffinately leave him


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

just to let you know that I have done the keep quiet thing, told him how I feel and he is okay for a little while and then it all just goes back to how it was. I made a decision in November to give it y6 months and that has now passed, maybe I am scared of what is to come. We together decided in January to give it one last go and we ahve had our fair share of ups and downs since then. How would you feel if you got up with family on xmas morning and he had got you nothing from him or the kids, (I did buy myself something from the kids and got them to wrap it for me). over the last few weeks he has brought up a trial separation and also asked me if I wanted him to leave???? He knows his wages are down, one minute will go on holiday here next he will not but will spend the money on things he wants not needs for himself. He has started a new hobby earlier this year and told me that I was not to interfere in it. I have not interfered in it so said to me why are you not bothered that I am going away for the night - away to a rally with a friend of ours married as well. I have tried to change myself and I get nothing from him for this. I get one word answers, ignored, dismissed, no cuddles, kisses etc. He only comes near when he wants sex. Me being the stupid witch I am puts up with it so far. He takes it out of the kids as well as me by just being in a mood all the time.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Find out all the info you can for NPD, I really think this is the problem you're dealing with...it's not easy and it usually doesn't change...in order for it to change he has to accept and understand he is NPD and that is a very, very rare thing.

If you have given it six months and nothing changed long term, since most people who have NPD change short term just to get by, then you are better off making an exit plan and going.

Preache


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Don't know if this will help but I once said to my therapist "Life Sucks!!" She said "no it's not LIFE that sucks it's the PEOPLE and CIRCUMSTANCES that make life seem like it sucks." That's kind of stuck with me ever since.


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

thanks for that, life for me does not actually suck at the moment just the person I married and their attitude etc


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

update - got home last night, on way home phoned h to see if he had picked up son but did not answer or phone back, I picked up son being 5 mins late for his club, asked h why did he not phone me and the response was in his normal angry tone that he was at the "gym", took son to club and it was a mothers birthday so I stayed and had cake and chat, he came up and went away, I went home and he was saying why didn't you come home, I told him and he was saying things like why don't you just go back and join them etc being really horrible, he said he was going in tub and if I went in he would get out, he says I am being horrible to him but I told him I do not want to speak to him for the way he is being with me but he could not see that. it is all my fault, i tried to cuddle him last night but told me to leave him, this morning cuddled him and said sorry for not coming home during time our son was at his club and asked him to be nicer to me, he said he is doing nothing wrong, it was like cuddling a dummy. He never said anything else to me I asked for a kiss as he leaved and got a peck, told him I would phone him and have done so as our daughter arrives back today and he is to pick her up but he is really sharp with me on the phone and in person but all smiles for every one else. any thoughts.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

How long has he been this way? Surely not since wedding? When did he become like this? What else happened at that time? 

I can't imagine treating my spouse as you're being treated. 

If things are bad enough for me to treat someone like that...get out! I don't get it...


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

Hi Dcrim

Sorry for not being back sooner. 

Married 14 years this year (both forgot anniversiary)
2 kids
In years gone by i got us into debt twice but we got it sorted out (around £4,000), all okay for 3 years, then nearly 2 years ago he had an affair with my best friend and i found out, took him back and done everything I could to keep things on an even keal, used other money around £1,000 which i told him about and we paid back. He decided to sell one of his prized possessions to do this but he did not have too as we had the money. Our wages have always went together and my pay the bills and save a bit and his are to live on and save. His have been down a good bit for around 8 months now and some weeks we just do not have enough but he still expects the same things. He got a new big boys toy earlier this year and is away quite a bit and told me when he started this not to interfere so i have not but he does not like that either and let him do what he wants in that regard. We both know there is a problem but not how to sort it. 

today I found out he can work a few extra hours every week but chooses not to do so but expects me to.

It all boils down to money. I earn more than him at the moment but he still wants me to do something extra while he does nothing. He shops in the best shops where I go where I can afford and do what I can for the kids. some weeks by the time a thursday comes I do not even have a pounds I can put my hand on. I feel he is just unreasonable all the time. He is always moaning about something.

he says that I am the one who is being horrible to him and that is why is being like that with me and I say the same to him and that he has spoken to close friends and family and they recken when he had the affair he should have left then.

I will admit yes I am being funny towards him but I go home at night and put my best smiley face on and get on with things but then he always manages to twist it back round to me that it is me being horrible. I am the one who has to do all the running after him but he now reaslises I am no longer doing that and says that I am being horrible.

advice please


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

This is general and not specific to OP's comments
but...


In my 20's... my life was difficult. It was actually from ages 11 until about 25 years old.
I would wonder why my life was so difficult as I had many disadvantages and it seemed so unfair.

Someone told me, maybe because there was something in store in my future, where I had to be strong and all the difficulty was to make me strong.
In the end.................. it was true and now I am grateful as I have deeper understanding of life than most and also in better control of myself than most. It was a great gift I had and it was also when I needed it so my disadvantages would not control my entire life.

Just some food for thought.


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

Thanks for that. I do know exactly what you are saying but I had a difficult time growing up until I was about 22. i kep falling out with my mother. i speak to her now no problem. Also I watched my mum and dad physically fight as me and my brother grew up which is not nice. I think I have already been there as I do have a good understanding of life but feel my h does not. He was a late baby and got everything he wanted. I know that I could survive on my own with the kids but not sure about how he would cope on his own.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

valium said:


> Thanks for that. I do know exactly what you are saying but I had a difficult time growing up until I was about 22. i kep falling out with my mother. i speak to her now no problem. Also I watched my mum and dad physically fight as me and my brother grew up which is not nice. I think I have already been there as I do have a good understanding of life but feel my h does not. He was a late baby and got everything he wanted. I know that I could survive on my own with the kids but not sure about how he would cope on his own.


I understand more than you know
and have some cousins who are like you desribe your husband.

They had many advantages in life but now, as we all age and they are over 40, what is happening is their lives are falling apart as their wives are dumping them and going on to more caring partners... and they are starting to drink, get into legal trouble with DUI's and basically... nobody is there to help them anymore.
They never learned to stand alone and for anything but themselves.... and that is where they seem to be ending up... alone.
Sometimes what seems like great suffering is actually a gift...
so maybe your being blessed, like I was...
and in time, you'll find out what your gift will be. My gifts were a real surprise...
more than they could ever hope for... and a huge surprise for me because all that disadvantage made me strong.

In your situation just be sure not to become an enabler or martyr... you will end up very unhappy if you do.


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## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

thanks - I am very unhappy at the moment but will get my life sorted out somehow


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I wanted to add something:
its not just about enduring a bad situation, its about learning from it...
if you do this, you will find you will grow emotionally.

and thats what makes you strong.

Its not about being a martyr, but growing so you can face challenges strongly.

I just wanted to add that.


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