# I dont know what to do .....



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

I have been married since 2010. We’ve been together for 13 years . I am 35 years old and he is 36 years old. After about 1.5 years of marriage I caught my husband sexting with a woman at his work place that was located across the country. At the time I found out that they were sexting 2 years before we got married and then when we got married they decided to stop. Then it started up again about 1.5 years into our marriage. I had no idea at the time and I had left him for three months. He begged and pleaded that he would never do it again – he went to counseling for a bit. I told him he needed to get a different job and he ended up getting another job at a firm in 2012. He is currently at this job. 

So noooow... There is a 24-year-old girl that got hired back in November 2016. I noticed a difference in his attitude of work when he would come home from work . He would normally come home and complain about all the extra work that he must do, all the mistakes he comes across, and how dumb people are. In the flowing weeks that she was hired his negative talk decreased when he got home. I asked him if there was anything at work that he would like to tell me about because his energy was more positive lately. He said no. I told him that I like that he is happier to go to work but that I wanted to know why. I pressed him and asked if he was attracted to the new girl. And he started yelling at me that I don’t want him to be happy at work. We got into a fight and I couldn’t take him yelling at me anymore so I told him to forget I ever mentioned it. Months later, he mentioned that he had bought this woman some sunflower seeds because they were joking about cracking sunflower seeds to annoying one of the managers. Which I told him bothered me and I don’t want him buying her anything. He said that he always buys the guys there sunflower seeds so he didn’t see anything wrong with it. 

Just recently he had the opportunity to work with her one -on – one and they traveled in the same car for an hour to a job site and she was his helper to manage the job he is working on. Every night he came home he was glowing, I kid you not. Glowing with positive energy. I grew more suspicious and asked him again about her and he said that I just needed to meet her because she is not like that at all. She is an extremely religious Jehovah witness so that I have nothing to worry about and that she is super young. One time she even drove separately to go a nearby church because she wouldn’t have made it if they drove back together. He described her as being super bubbly. 

In the couple of weeks that he has worked closely with her. My husband has tried to put more in effort into our marriage. He left me a couple of voice mails and told me he loved me. He never leaves me voicemails. My primary love language is words of affirmation and he has known this since our issues back in 2012. He compliments me maybe two to three time a week. Now he tries to compliment me A LOT more recently like two to three times a day. We had sex three times in one week when it is normally once a week. Normally when he asks me how my day was and I’m like it was a good day. Now he has been more inquisitive about what I did during the day. Now he asks well what did you do and asks for details. 

I don’t know what to do. I know mentally I am starting to distance myself from him. I am glad that he is happy at work and that it feels like he is putting more effort into our marriage but not happy that it is because he is interacting with this new girl. Maybe it is all professional and I am just overeacting. I know I am sensitive to these things because of our past. I wanted to get some feedback. But I don’t want to act like a jealous nagging wife. But I do want to catch something early before it’s too late on his part I am not too sure that she would reciprocate. I know I can’t take another betrayal from him. Can someone please give me some perspective on this?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

For this to get to the point it's at right now makes me think that you guys didn't put anywhere near enough work into things the first time. Have you both read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? If not, get it RIGHT NOW and read it.

You should be able to tell him that what he is doing is unacceptable and he should accept that it is, as a direct result of what HE did a few years ago. THIS IS THE NEW REALITY after you've cheated. You DO NOT GET to be 'buddies' with an opposite sex co worker. The fact he thinks he can tells me he isn't remorseful for what he did the first time around. And if it is all in fact innocent, he should be BENDING OVER BACKWARDS to help you feel better about the whole thing. 

If I were you I wouldn't even bother to gather any more evidence. I would tell him straight up that this is a dealbreaker for you. He CAN NOT act this way, EVER, and if he doesn't agree it's D time.

I know that, in my own life, right now, 7 years into R with a truly remorseful husband, if I told him, EVEN TODAY, that I was uncomfortable with a relationship he had with a woman - whatever woman, coworker, hairdresser, WHOEVER - he would do everything within his power to set my mind at ease. He wouldn't get mad or accuse me of not trusting him or try to just convince me it was all innocent. None of that would fly and he knows it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is she?

I could just be that she has a personality that livens things up at work and there is nothing between them. I've worked at places that were mind numbing boring. Then something changes, often someone new joins the team, and it completely changes the personality of the work place. 

But it might be more than that.

What I suggest is that you do some snooping to find out if anything more is going on. A lot of people who cheat use their car as a private phone booth to talk to their affair partner. So hide a VAR (voice activated recorder) up under the front seat on his car. Use adhesive backed Velcro to hold it in place so it does not slide out while the car is moving. See if it captures any conversations that are not good.

Also, check his cell phone. See if he is communicating with one number a lot.


If you get any evidence that outs him having an affair, do not confront him right away. Come here and let us help you develop a plan of action. Often people will reveal that they have evidence immediately, without a plan. It is usually a huge failure because now their spouse knows to be more careful. So make sure you have enough evidence and have a plan before you let him know.

Hopefully you will find nothing and it will put your mind to rest.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Please read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. What you are experiencing is classic development of an EA...emotional affair.

Read the book. It will help sort all of this and give you instructions how to work your way thru this. Good luck.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Yes, we've both read Shirley Glasses book back in 2012. I still have the book. I'll take it out and put it on his desk to read this weekend. Yeah, I think you are right, he wasn't that remorseful back then. So glad you think I am not overreacting!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I think your reaction is pretty normal if that's how he is acting at this time. But like Ele said, velcro a voice recorder under his car seat. Does not hurt to be vigilant.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

She is 24 years old, she just got out of school. He texts her but only for work purposes. I just don't like that this woman is affecting my marriage. - Even though it is in a positive way.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I am not a morning person and for many years did not like my job due to my boss. My boss has since left the company which has made it better, but I’ve been stuck in a rut for a long time of not wanting to come into work which is a hang over from when she was here. But I work with HILARIOUS people. I come in just about every morning very blah, tired, not grumpy but surely not ecstatic to be at work, but within a half hour I’m cheered up and laughing because my department is just that fun to be around. I’ve laughed so hard my stomach hurt twice today. I bought my male coworker Mexican last week because I had a gift card, but couldn’t leave for lunch that day. So I bought his lunch as payment for going to pick it up for me since I couldn’t leave. I bring donuts in to work once a month. I get a chocolate cream stick for one male coworker, a white frosted sprinkle donut for another male coworker and 2 maples for the ladies. 

I think you have reason to be suspicious as he has cheated in the past. But right now, I think you’re at the verify stage. I wouldn’t over react yet. But as Hope says – he should be setting your mind at ease. If he doesn’t, I would start watching closer, silently.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Why couldn't he just want to work on our marriage because he want to not because there is someone new at work. What happens when she leaves this job? My marriage and his attitude is in the dumps again? I don't know...


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

He is not that great at setting my mind at ease . He is better at setting his coworkers minds at ease though. He just gets defensive about her when I bring her up.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ConstantSpeed said:


> He is not that great at setting my mind at ease . He is better at setting his coworkers minds at ease though. He just gets defensive about her when I bring her up.


See, this isn't acceptable. He's minimizing your feelings which is the LAST thing a WS should be doing, no matter how many years it's been since they cheated!

Don't just put the book on his desk. Read it again yourself, and pay attention to the walls and windows stuff, and then TALK to him. I find that the way I approach my husband can make a difference. Don't accuse him or use 'you' statements or do any of that stuff (if you know Gottman, don't use the harsh start ups), and if he starts getting defensive just calmly tell him that this is VERY important he he has GOT to listen to you.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

@LosingHim, I totally get what you are saying. My H does the same with his coworkers. He buys the receptionist at his job lunch every week because she makes his life easier at work. I totally get that, she is a sweet girl. I know my H well and he knows where his boundaries are.

I think that CS here is worried that he might fall back into old behavior and repeat the pattern. He has a history.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> See, this isn't acceptable. He's minimizing your feelings which is the LAST thing a WS should be doing, no matter how many years it's been since they cheated!
> 
> Don't just put the book on his desk. Read it again yourself, and pay attention to the walls and windows stuff, and then TALK to him. I find that the way I approach my husband can make a difference. Don't accuse him or use 'you' statements or do any of that stuff (if you know Gottman, don't use the harsh start ups), and if he starts getting defensive just calmly tell him that this is VERY important he he has GOT to listen to you.


Thank you Hope! I appreciate your feedback!


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

brooklynAnn said:


> @LosingHim, I totally get what you are saying. My H does the same with his coworkers. He buys the receptionist at his job lunch every week because she makes his life easier at work. I totally get that, she is a sweet girl. I know my H well and he knows where his boundaries are.
> 
> I think that CS here is worried that he might fall back into old behavior and repeat the pattern. He has a history.


Yes! BrooklynAnn you understand!


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

You guys are so helpful!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Guy here. From what you described his actions and reactions are perfectly normal and common. 

When you are attracted to a coworker.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How old is she?
> 
> I could just be that she has a personality that livens things up at work and there is nothing between them. I've worked at places that were mind numbing boring. Then something changes, often someone new joins the team, and it completely changes the personality of the work place.
> 
> ...


She is 24 years old - she just got out of school. I've checked his phone and it seems to be all professional for now. I just don't want him to get back into his old habit of crossing boundaries since his cheating issues in 2012. And since all of a sudden he started to pay more attention to me and our marriage - it just makes me suspicious.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ConstantSpeed said:


> And since all of a sudden he started to pay more attention to me and our marriage - it just makes me suspicious.


Be sure to know what to say in case he throws this back at you.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Guy here. From what you described his actions and reactions are perfectly normal and common.
> 
> When you are attracted to a coworker.


Yes-exactly. But he won't admit it to me.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I would not say anymore on this subject to him. You watch and gather evidence. Let him know how happy you are that he is enjoying work so much more these days. Keep talking to him, ask about his day. Be more attentive to him and return his affection. Kill the man with love. Don't give his blossoming feelings at work fuel to grow, redirect it to you. Do things to bring him closer to you. Spent even more time with him. Keep at it and see how he responds to all of this.

But be ever watchful. Do not mention her. And reread Glass's book.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

brooklynAnn said:


> I would not say anymore on this subject to him. You watch and gather evidence. Let him know how happy you are that he is enjoying work so much more these days. Keep talking to him, ask about his day. Be more attentive to him and return his affection. Kill the man with love. Don't give his blossoming feelings at work fuel to grow, redirect it to you. Do things to bring him closer to you. Spent even more time with him. Keep at it and see how he responds to all of this.
> 
> But be ever watchful. Do not mention her. And reread Glass's book.


Ill try to do that. But I am always attentive to him. I basically cater to his every need when I can. I ask him about his day and for the details but he has been short with me and sounds annoyed when I ask him for more. To be honest this makes me want to pull back a bit a leave him alone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Ill try to do that. But I am always attentive to him. I basically cater to his every need when I can. I ask him about his day and for the details but he has been short with me and sounds annoyed when I ask him for more. To be honest this makes me want to pull back a bit a leave him alone.


You would probably benefit from reading the book "Divorce Busting". Pay special attention to the chapter on introducing change into your relationship and the 180. It's not the 180 that is talked about on this forum (or the one linked in my signature block below. The 180 the book talks about is a custom one that you put together based the instructions the book gives you.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You would probably benefit from reading the book "Divorce Busting". Pay special attention to the chapter on introducing change into your relationship and the 180. It's not the 180 that is talked about on this forum (or the one linked in my signature block below. The 180 the book talks about is a custom one that you put together based the instructions the book gives you.


Thanks EleGirl - I just ordered the book.


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Ill try to do that. But I am always attentive to him. I basically cater to his every need when I can. I ask him about his day and for the details but he has been short with me and sounds annoyed when I ask him for more. To be honest this makes me want to pull back a bit a leave him alone.


Hi @ConstantSpeed

Thanks for your messages and your honesty.

These sorts of experiences are extremely challenging (as you can testify), primarily because of the uncertainty and that's the part that often causes the most pain. 
Guys are interesting creatures, even when they have a beautiful partner...

I've seen it time and time again. A guy is married, yet he is still 'hooked' to the emotions that he feels when in the company of another woman. It doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to cheat on them, it's primarily the emotion that he's hooked to. 
The other thing that can be at play here is that he hasn't quite matured and evolved to the point where he stops craving this sort of attention. Lots of guys love it. Nothing makes a man light up than seeing a woman happy towards him and if this woman is doing this regularly through her bubbly nature, then he's going to enjoy her company. 

Yes, he does need to evolve and mature - no doubt about that. What I mean by that is that he needs to get to a place where he recognises that the primary source of these emotions and feelings are through your relationship and that is the greatest source of love, joy and happiness in his life. It's great work provides some of that but it's only temporary - yours is permanent. 

My personal opinion is different to others but one that i've seen work so many times - shape him through your love. There are two types of motivation that you can move forward with here - either fear or love. Fear simply never works in life in the long run. In this instance, when you are constantly on the lookout, fearful and afraid, that will naturally cause you to make different decisions and act in ways that wont necessarily be for the greater good of the relationship. When you are motivated by love, you engage the most powerful transformational force in life. 

Am I saying don't keep a lookout? Am I saying don't keep an eye out for odd behaviour? Absolutely not. It's paramount that you set yourself standards on how you wish to be treated but the most important thing in my opinion is to try and shape him with your love and create an environment at home that far exceeds anything that he gets at work. If you do that again and again and again, then he is going to be singing from the rooftops about you. If you stay on edge all the time, and reacting from that emotional state, then it will only create more distance and hurt. 

In the end, if he is not living up to this standards despite all the love that you continuously serve him with, then at the point, you can make a decision on whether he is the right man for you. 
As one of the other posters stated, gather evidence but kill the man with love. Find ways to meet his needs at levels that he's never had before and you will have an absolute raving fan of a partner. 

I hope that all makes sense. 

Any questions, please let me know.

Thanks
Sri


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

shrah25 said:


> Hi @ConstantSpeed
> 
> Thanks for your messages and your honesty.
> 
> ...


Would you give the same guidance to a man whose wife was cheating and looking for attention from other men?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Why couldn't he just want to work on our marriage because he want to not because there is someone new at work. What happens when she leaves this job? My marriage and his attitude is in the dumps again? I don't know...


It's possible that she has no intentions on him (most young women don't like older men) and that her strong family values have rubbed off on him. Before, he used you as his verbal punching bag - the human that he felt comfortable *****ing at because, well, that's a woman's role (to make a man's life better). And it's possible he's griped about you and she's made him realize all that you do for him and that he should be more grateful.


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## DepressedDiva (Mar 23, 2017)

ConstantSpeed said:


> She is an extremely religious Jehovah witness so that I have nothing to worry about and that she is super young.


I'm not saying that your husband is unfaithful but I feel maybe it would be helpful to visit him on the job and meet this co-worker.

😕 the 'friend' that seduced my husband was 'religious' too - she insinuated herself into his life under the guise of a praying friend, asked for his phone number & email so she could pray for his sick wife (me) and send him prayers 😠


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## shrah25 (Mar 22, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Would you give the same guidance to a man whose wife was cheating and looking for attention from other men?


Hi @EleGirl

Good question  

The truth is that the same theme is applicable - that being, let love be your motivation, not fear. This is not necessarily an easy thing to do because our society conditions us in completely different ways. If someone is behaving in a way that society condemns, 'punish them' and then indulge in the pain is the natural instinct we have as human beings but we need to tackle this from a different angle. We need to have compassion. We need to have empathy and recognise that even though the behaviour is poor, there is often a little boy or girl inside that is in survival mode. We need to stop blaming and start taking a more heart centric approach to life. I've seen relationships that were completely on the rocks turn around when they made this shift. 

Now each relationship has it's own nuances and intricacies and so it's not just a simple one size fits all approach, but with your intent being love, you can truly make some dramatic changes. 
Despite saying this though - the intention of love also means that sometimes you have to set someone free because they fundamentally operating from a different values and rules base. This is also ok because there is no point in being in a relationship that is on the decline as each day passes. 

Hope that makes sense.

Thanks


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The big problem is he's breached your trust. It's on him to earn that back.

He's put you in a tough position. 

IMO establish boundaries, etc. id make damn sure he knew the consequences if he crosses them.

Attempted Manipulation or idle threats will make this worse.

Maybe show up at his work for lunch unnanounced.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

The fact that he yelled at you and became defensive when you expressed that his buying her snacks bothered you is a huge red flag, OP. It doesn't mean he's about to have an affair, but it does mean that he cares little about your feelings, and that's a problem. 

Your husband is engaging in independent behavior, doing something he wants without care and regard for you. An EA or PA is the ultimate independent behavior and he's already done that in your marriage before.

I'd get a copy of Lovebusters and give it to him ASAP.

If I were you, I'd tell him that you want to create a better marriage with him, one where you show each other extraordinary care. You need help to do this because of his angry outbursts. Until he learns to stop having those, issues in your marriage will not get resolved.

You have every right to feel upset by his behavior with this co-worker. Your husband's reaction to your concerns is troubling, to say the least.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Jessica38 said:


> The fact that he yelled at you and became defensive when you expressed that his buying her snacks bothered you is a huge red flag, OP. It doesn't mean he's about to have an affair, but it does mean that he cares little about your feelings, and that's a problem.
> 
> Your husband is engaging in independent behavior, doing something he wants without care and regard for you. An EA or PA is the ultimate independent behavior and he's already done that in your marriage before.
> 
> ...


I just ordered the book - thank you for that recommendation! 

You so hit it on the nail! He does tend to have angry outburst so its hard for me to bring up issues that we have as I am a sensitive person and his moods/reactions effect me greatly. 

I think you are also right that I don't think that at the moment that he will have an affair. My husband has been at this particular firm for the past 4 years. He has never purchased or given anything to any of the women that he works with- they are all married. This woman is single and young. It only took a few weeks for him to purchase something for her. I think I would have been okay if my husband had purchased and given snacks or anything else for that matter to the women that were married at his firm. But he has not. It just makes me feel uneasy. 

Also, He just started working out this past week - in the middle to busy season . Which is kind of odd because my husband is a workaholic he always puts work first during busy season. He also just went to the eye doctor to get a new pair of eyeglasses. I have a feeling that I think I am going to start seeing him take care of his physical appearance more than he usually does.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

turnera said:


> It's possible that she has no intentions on him (most young women don't like older men) and that her strong family values have rubbed off on him. Before, he used you as his verbal punching bag - the human that he felt comfortable *****ing at because, well, that's a woman's role (to make a man's life better). And it's possible he's griped about you and she's made him realize all that you do for him and that he should be more grateful.


You’re probably right. If I were 24 years old I wouldn’t go for someone that is 10+ years older than me. I would love to believe that he got inspired to be a better husband because of her religious background and values. But back in 2012 when was sexting a coworker of his, our relationship improved, he was being friendlier toward me, asking me how my days were, opening doors for me, coming home earlier to have dinner together, he managed to do a few loads of laundry for me, and he helped me walk the dog we had at that time among other things that were just foreign to our marriage at that time. He went the extra mile when he didn’t typically do those things. He was guilt-ridden. I'll try to be a little more positive though. I don't want to make him seem like he is a bad guy - our marriage has gotten better since. I still think it needs improvement - but it has gotten better.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

ConstantSpeed said:


> I just ordered the book - thank you for that recommendation!
> 
> You so hit it on the nail! He does tend to have angry outburst so its hard for me to bring up issues that we have as I am a sensitive person and his moods/reactions effect me greatly.
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. Was he allowed to yell at his mother? I doubt it. And if he was, RUN! Next time he yells at you, look at him calmly and say "I don't deserve to be treated like that" and turn around and walk out of the room. That is how you stop the yelling. And teach him to respect you.


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## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

turnera said:


> I agree. Was he allowed to yell at his mother? I doubt it. And if he was, RUN! Next time he yells at you, look at him calmly and say "I don't deserve to be treated like that" and turn around and walk out of the room. That is how you stop the yelling. And teach him to respect you.


Thanks Turnera! I am going to try that next time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Try this "when you shout at me it tends to make me nervous and then I might not be able to fully understand what you are trying to say to me. If you stop shouting at me, I am sure this will help us to communicate better."

If he does not stop shouting just say "OK". And walk away.

Also try this "Do you speak to your work colleagues like this?"

If the answer is yes reply "Please remember I am not your colleague I am your wife. I expect more respect."

If the answer is no then say "Please treat me with at least the same respect you show your colleagues."


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Try this "when you shout at me it tends to make me nervous and then I might not be able to fully understand what you are trying to say to me. If you stop shouting at me, I am sure this will help us to communicate better."
> 
> If he does not stop shouting just say "OK". And walk away.
> 
> ...


This is excellent advice.If I could like this a thousand times I would.


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