# Sexless Marriage due to Medical problem - how to cope?



## DoctorJ (Jul 26, 2013)

How does one cope with being married to a women they love deeply, but is unable to have sex due to a serious chronic injury?

Some background:
Been together for 14 years.
She was injured on the job 12 years ago, due to complications went from being hurt to being permanently disabled.
We have no kids.
She is unable to work, and receives a disability pension that took us 8 years of fighting to get and is not enough for her to live on.
I make enough for us to live comfortably and without need, however it requires I work 2 jobs (one is home-based, total I work about 50hrs per week)
She is unable to perform daily chores, cannot drive and cannot grocery shop. 
I have to do all the cooking cleaning and home maintenance.
We had a healthy and fun sexlife for the first 6 months of being together, then it dwindled down to once every 6 weeks, now down to nothing.

This has been a long struggle for me, and up until May of this year she would not want to talk about it, and finally I had enough, broke down and let it all out. She explained that not only did she not have sexual feelings for me (or anyone else) but now that the pain in her life is so intense and all encompassing she doesn't even want to think about sex. We attempted to try new positions to reduce the discomfort, and I thought we had made progress, but unless I initiate she is not interested. She would rather not have sex as it causes too much pain (not the penetration, but the body movement).

In order for us to have sex with minimal pain for her requires I do not move, cannot be on the bed with her. As well she refuses oral sex both giving and receiving - despite my willingness to perform.

I am overcome with feelings that are not shared by my spouse. I find myself constantly looking at other women, and even went so far as creating a Craigslist add...thankfully there is only scammers on there or I may have done something I cannot take back.

I don't want to leave my wife, and she would be devastated if I was to have an affair.

Thanks for listening!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Part of me would say get a divorce and move on and find a women that wants and enjoys sex, regardless of her body.

Part of me thinks it would be really bad to just leave her and that you are doing a great job taking care of her.

Talk to her, ask about an open marriage.

I feel for yah, tricky situation.


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## Zookeepertomany (Jun 27, 2013)

I always thought marriage was in sickness and in health. It's sad how when it comes time to live up to the vows we take and the promises we make when something actually does happen we suddenly want to find a way to abandon or manipulate them. 

I suggest some serious counseling for both of you. You for being a caregiver and husband and her for being a wife and dealing with debilitating injury but most importantly for your marriage.

Sometimes we get crap cards dealt to us in marriage and it's not what we planned but we marry to have that one person we thought will be by our side, hence our vows. This doesn't not sound like something she choose to happen to her. It has to be horrible to go from a productive person to virtually nothing. The mental anguish and physical pain has to take a toll on her also.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I agree that marriage counseling would be a good place to start. It's admirable that you are taking care of your wife but she needs to do whatever she can to take care of you too. She needs to at least make an attempt at meeting your needs. 

Have you tried explaining that you really miss the affection, intimacy and physical enjoyment of a romantic relationship with her?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Zookeepertomany said:


> I always thought marriage was in sickness and in health. It's sad how when it comes time to live up to the vows we take and the promises we make when something actually does happen we suddenly want to find a way to abandon or manipulate them.
> 
> I suggest some serious counseling for both of you. You for being a caregiver and husband and her for being a wife and dealing with debilitating injury but most importantly for your marriage.
> 
> Sometimes we get crap cards dealt to us in marriage and it's not what we planned but we marry to have that one person we thought will be by our side, hence our vows. This doesn't not sound like something she choose to happen to her. It has to be horrible to go from a productive person to virtually nothing. The mental anguish and physical pain has to take a toll on her also.


So she can ignore the vows, and then when she's sick he's expected to live up to them. Sounds fair.


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## Zookeepertomany (Jun 27, 2013)

I'm saying she is most likely crushed mentally. We can only imagine what it is like for her to go from productive to nothing. 

We have no idea what it is like from her side of the story. He says she can't even do daily chores. He also said she had tried different sexual positions. He states her pain "but now that the pain in her life is so intense and all encompassing she doesn't even want to think about sex". If pain is that intense who does want to think about sex, come on really. 

It may not be that she is ignoring her vows but honestly can't from pain. It sounds like she has tried. How horrible it must be to have tried and tried and pain of such intensity surely will make you feel like a failure as a person and wife. 

"In order for us to have sex with minimal pain for her requires I do not move, cannot be on the bed with her. As well she refuses oral sex both giving and receiving - despite my willingness to perform."

Great he is willing but if the slightest movement hurts her. Holding still during oral is not easy either. I don't think I could willing initiate something that will cause me all encompassing pain.

Again therapy for both of them. Find a way to help each other. Find some kind of pain management if possible. Find something she can do and do it well and keep adding.

Instead of wasting time on writing a craiglist ad he should of written why he loves his wife and the promises he made and kept reminding himself in sickness and in health for better or for worse.
We live in such a throw away society. He admits she tried. Being a caregiver is not easy either.

You divorce her if you can't do your vows but you don't cheat.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Doctor J....I take it she has chronic pain....what kind of pain management prograns are available in your area? Is she a candidate for a pain pump or an implant? There are lots of options out there....it sounds like she needs to work on getting her pain management under control....if your pain is to high it will take your will to enjoy anything away. I was injured 20 yrs ago at work and suffered an upper thoracic spinal cord injury. I will always have pain...but I have learned to live with that pain and still enjoy a very full life. Does she have a supprt group or therapy group she goes to for her pain management?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

That sounds awful. Honestly, I would look for a discrete relationship on the side with someone in a similar situation. What your wife doesn't know won't hurt her. This is your life too. It sucks but it sounds like you have given up a lot. I don't normally believe in cheating but it sounds like things will not improve sexually and you can't in good conscience leave your wife either. What are you supposed to do? Give up your entire sexual life? That's even worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Zookeepertomany said:


> I'm saying she is most likely crushed mentally. We can only imagine what it is like for her to go from productive to nothing.
> 
> We have no idea what it is like from her side of the story. He says she can't even do daily chores. He also said she had tried different sexual positions. He states her pain "but now that the pain in her life is so intense and all encompassing she doesn't even want to think about sex". If pain is that intense who does want to think about sex, come on really.
> 
> ...


If her sudden (12 years) lack of sex was actually due to her injury, I would agree with you. Seriously, I would. 

However: 



DoctorJ said:


> We had a healthy and fun sexlife for the first 6 months of being together, then it dwindled down to once every 6 weeks, now down to nothing.


This makes me think that things were already on a downhill spiral. It makes me wonder....let's say that a person is not getting along with their spouse. They've only been married a couple years. They're basically sexless and the HD spouse is on the verge of leaving and getting a divorce. Then, before the HD spouse can leave, the LD spouse gets injured. Before the injury, most would say the HD spouse has the moral high ground to leave because the LD spouse isn't keeping up their side of the bargain. But does the HD spouse suddenly lose the high ground because of the injury? Personally I don't think so. And in this case he stuck it out for a dozen torturous years after. But the fact is, she cut off the sex way before getting hurt.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Doctor J, 

Aside from sex, is she affectionate with you? For me, that would be the real deal breaker. As long as I was at least getting physical contact and affection, then I could maybe survive without sex. 

I really don't know what I would do in your situation. If I was your wife, and unable to physically have sex, and there was really no hope of recovery, then I would give my partner my blessing to have sex with others. I wouldn't want my spouse to be imprisoned in a sexless marriage for their entire life. 

I am confused about something else though. She gets disability but you still have to work 2 jobs just to make ends meet? Either you work for minimum wage only (unlikely for someone who has to be at least 30-40 years old) or you have rather expensive tastes.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Theseus said:


> Doctor J,
> 
> ummm no disability does NOT and I repeat DOES not work this way at all. How do I know? I was/am married to a person with kidney failure who was on dialysis for about six years. It gives you the bare minimum to pay the bills if that. I'm working almost full time and my husband is currently in the process of trying to get employed again. You also have to consider the cost of living, rent, etc etc. High taste? Really?Fat chance. And depending on the disability and the insurance there are those lovely medical bills, doctor visits and of course drug prescriptions.
> 
> ...


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## DoctorJ (Jul 26, 2013)

WOW! Thanks for the replies everyone, I will try and address the questions


justonelife said:


> Have you tried explaining that you really miss the affection, intimacy and physical enjoyment of a romantic relationship with her?


I have recently explained this. And she told me that she does think it is important, just is unable to see through the pain.



Zookeepertomany said:


> I'm saying she is most likely crushed mentally. We can only imagine what it is like for her to go from productive to nothing. ...
> It may not be that she is ignoring her vows but honestly can't from pain. It sounds like she has tried. How horrible it must be to have tried and tried and pain of such intensity surely will make you feel like a failure as a person and wife.
> ...
> Instead of wasting time on writing a craiglist ad he should of written why he loves his wife and the promises he made and kept reminding himself in sickness and in health for better or for worse.
> ...


Thanks for your insight. You are correct, she feels horrible and worthless not being able contribute to either house work or relationship needs. She was a very active person (more so than me) before the injury and this has caused serious depression. She has tried therapy, and is just not committed to it (yet).
And your right about the CL add, that was a low point for me and woke me up to the severity of *my* problems with the situation.


mineforever said:


> Doctor J....I take it she has chronic pain....what kind of pain management prograns are available in your area? Is she a candidate for a pain pump or an implant? There are lots of options out there....it sounds like she needs to work on getting her pain management under control....if your pain is to high it will take your will to enjoy anything away. I was injured 20 yrs ago at work and suffered an upper thoracic spinal cord injury. I will always have pain...but I have learned to live with that pain and still enjoy a very full life. Does she have a supprt group or therapy group she goes to for her pain management?


Sorry to hear about your pain. Hers is nerve damage which has lead to significant pain, inability to lift anything and is severely affected by cold, wind and barometric pressure. She is on various medications, but they can do nothing for the root of the cause and also add many side-effects. We have no pain clinic near by and she is not supposed to do any massage, physio or other treatments. She is unfortunately adverse to the idea of therapy and is too shy to attend a support group. I am slowly working her into that idea as I know it could be beneficial to meet people in the same situation.



WorkingOnMe said:


> This makes me think that things were already on a downhill spiral. It makes me wonder....let's say that a person is not getting along with their spouse. They've only been married a couple years. They're basically sexless and the HD spouse is on the verge of leaving and getting a divorce. Then, before the HD spouse can leave, the LD spouse gets injured. Before the injury, most would say the HD spouse has the moral high ground to leave because the LD spouse isn't keeping up their side of the bargain. But does the HD spouse suddenly lose the high ground because of the injury? Personally I don't think so. And in this case he stuck it out for a dozen torturous years after. But the fact is, she cut off the sex way before getting hurt.


WOW! you are so very correct! At this point it is so blurred as to when the pain began, and when the LD began. Was she not interested before the pain...or did this cause the LD? I myself have aways been co-dependant and low confidence so I am always worried that if the pain was gone...would she suddenly see that it was me, and not the pain? It is a constant battle in my head and it drives me nuts!



Theseus said:


> Doctor J,
> Aside from sex, is she affectionate with you? For me, that would be the real deal breaker. As long as I was at least getting physical contact and affection, then I could maybe survive without sex.
> ...
> I am confused about something else though. She gets disability but you still have to work 2 jobs just to make ends meet? Either you work for minimum wage only (unlikely for someone who has to be at least 30-40 years old) or you have rather expensive tastes.


She is not affectionate for the past 2 years. She does say she loves me and it feels genuine, but she admitted the other night that when she shows me affection (hugging and cuddling) that she worries I will take it the wrong way, then I initiate sex, then get rejected (which leaves me in a slump). 

As to the jobs / disablitity: She had to leave almost 8 years ago. Where we live there is a Work Place Insurance system that is supposed to cover you in the event of a work injury. This system is flawed and corrupt and we have been fighting for her benefits for over 12 years, and up until this January were receiving nothing. As she could not work I needed a second job to cover the bills. Now that she has disability I could quite my second job. However as her pension is not enough for her to live on (and still less than 50% of what she made before injury) I am putting as much money as possible in her future. It is very important for me that if anything was to happen to me (or us) that she would be looked after. As well it is a very real possibility that her condition will progress to the stage of needed full time care in the future. We had a recent visit with a financial adviser and if things go according to plan I should not have to work 2 jobs by the end of next year.

Thanks for reading everyone, it is a daily struggle, and just being able to talk about it makes it easier.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So she can ignore the vows, and then when she's sick he's expected to live up to them. Sounds fair.


You know... a lot of posters here complain about a spouse who is both physically and mentally able to have sex but doesn't and we all rail against that spouse because yes, they are forsaking their vows.

But when it comes to someone who is disabled and physically in pain and can't have sex, yeah that's when "for better or worse" kicks in. 

No, it's not fair. It sucks for the OP. But it is what it is. I'd like to think if I was in his wife's position that I would give my spouse permission to get his sexual needs filled elsewhere, but honestly I'm not sure I could do that.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> You know... a lot of posters here complain about a spouse who is both physically and mentally able to have sex but doesn't and we all rail against that spouse because yes, they are forsaking their vows.
> 
> But when it comes to someone who is disabled and physically in pain and can't have sex, yeah that's when "for better or worse" kicks in.
> 
> No, it's not fair. It sucks for the OP. But it is what it is. I'd like to think if I was in his wife's position that I would give my spouse permission to get his sexual needs filled elsewhere, but honestly I'm not sure I could do that.


When I mentioned "ignoring her vows" I was talking about before she was injured.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm gonna call your wife on her Bull Sh!t! I'm no stranger to chronic pain, severe pain, debilitating pain. It doesn't prevent affection, it doesn't prevent sexual arousal, but does make climax tricky. I also say bull sh!t on lack of available alternatives, no physical therapy, no massage, no steroid injections, no nerve blocking agents? Again, there is a whole world of alternatives for those who wish to live a full life, but your wife is clearly content to allow her world to get smaller and smaller every day thinking her pain excuse lets her off the hook.

It Doesn't!

Describe to her what you want your life to be. Give her the choice of working toward your vision or backing out. She is not incapable, nor incapacitated. She has an intact spinal cord, with working limbs, and a functioning brain, which is all she needs to cope, heal, and live a full life! No more excuses! Get your ass up and into life or get your ass to a nursing home where they sit around and wait to die.


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## MattasonBlane (Sep 10, 2013)

And I'm here to tell you, AnonPink, that you don't know the specifics of this woman's injury! Spinal injuries are VERY complicated and it's judgmental of you to assume that you know more about this woman's condition, having never met her, than the man who lives with her. 
I have a spinal injury and I CANNOT BE TOUCHED! It sets off a cascade of muscle spasms and pain that feels like electrocutions. I cannot receive steroid injections, massage therapy, physio, or any kind of treatment that stimulates my muscles or nerves in ANY way. Judging this woman based on what you can tolerate is simply ignorant! :scratchhead:
Doc, the question you have to ask yourself is, "Will I be, can I be happy without her?" If you find a woman who LOVES sex, will she make you happy in the same way that simply having a relationship with your wife does? If you take sex out of the equation, are you happy? If your wife were healthy and you impotent, unable, if sex was painful for you, would you think it fair for her to leave? Or would you want her to take responsibility for her own desires, like an adult, pleasure herself, and be true to her vows and your relationship?
You cannot stay solely for her happiness or well-being. You must consider yours as well. Marriage is to commit to live your life WITH another, not for them; it's a journey TOGETHER. But remember that a partnership isn't always 50/50. 
My husband and I have spent the last 7 years building our marriage. We don't have sex to fall back on when things aren't working out. We can't use the emotional high of an orgasm to ignore the real problems in our marriage like we did before. Because of it, because we really talk to each other now, we are stronger than ever. This took a lot of patience, a lot of long talks, a lot of tears, and a lot of pain meds. It took a lot of long car trips to specialists, trapped in the car together where we could do nothing but talk - sooner or later, you run out of superficial topics! Right now, with you working 50 hours a week and taking care of the household alone, your problem may be more of loneliness than one of sexual dissatisfaction. 
And please believe me when I say that there are a whole host of insecurities and emotional issues that come with a disability of this kind, especially when you were previously extremely active, as your wife and I were. The only person that it helps to talk to about these issues is our spouse - not some therapist - and it takes quite a while to build the trust, to know he won't leave, or cheat, or want sex if we open up and become emotionally vulnerable when we are so physically vulnerable already! 
I would recommend making time for each other, no tv, no internet, no distractions, just to talk, on a regular basis. I understand your wife completely when she says that she's afraid of showing you affection because she doesn't want you to feel rejected. It's your responsibility to make a decision - to stay or to go (Cheat is NOT an option, it is a betrayal that will ruin your marriage. Even if she agrees, it will be out of fear and self-hatred. Don't do this to her. Love completely or let go). If it's your decision to stay, then you accept that it's your decision to stay even if that means you never have sex again - and you tell her that! You tell her that you'll take care of your own sexual needs, you just want to be close to her, and you prove this as many times as it takes. You tell her if you get an erection, to ignore it and stay close anyway. 
Taking that pressure away has been a miracle!! I know that it's not my fault that I got hurt. I know that it's not my fault that I'm in pain. I know that it's not my fault that I can no longer sleep in our bed. I know that it's not my fault that I don't think about sex anymore - not about him, not about anyone. I know that it's not my fault that he gets erections and it's not my responsibility to 'fix' them. I know now that it's not my fault!! And you'd be surprised how much of this she's made out to be her fault in her own mind. Once that shifts, once you take ownership for your own sexuality as an adult, things change - for the better.
I can tell you that our intimacy level is something that I could have never imagined when we were having sex daily (and sometimes 2 and 3 times daily). I can also tell you that when he made up his mind to stay, when he realized that no amount of sex would ever replace the relationship we have, his attitude shifted, too. When he honestly quit pressuring me and allowed us to be close without sex being a factor, my whole being shifted. And we aren't entirely sexless anymore. So, all I can tell you, from someone who's stood beside the man in your shoes, is - take stock, evaluate, give yourself honest answers, and have the courage to give your whole being to whatever decision you make. 
This will take time.
You have my very best wishes and I hope for the very best for both of your futures - whatever they may hold!


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

I can only imagine the pain and pressure you are under and I am sorry that I have no answers to your situation.

I saw what three years of caring for my step mother did to my father. He supported her through the surgery, the radiotherapy, the chemotherapy, taking her for hospital checkups and caring for her at home, administering her meds, taking care of her personal needs. All the kids did what we could to help (regular visits / shopping / chores / housework / gardening) and the nurses came out to her every day but it was my father who carried the lion’s share of it all. The last few months when she was in a hospice were a physical release for him but he was wracked with guilt at not being there for her all the time.

When someone has true chronic pain they cannot be touched without paying the price. I saw my stepmother press for a boost on the morphine pump just so she could hold her new born grandson in her arms for a few moments so I know that for her anything intimate was agony.

They were lucky that my father’s pension was enough to meet there financial needs and that medical treatment is free in the UK so they did not have the money worries you have to put up with.

My hopes and prayers are with you.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> But when it comes to someone who is disabled and physically in pain and can't have sex, yeah that's when "for better or worse" kicks in.
> 
> No, it's not fair. It sucks for the OP. But it is what it is. I'd like to think if I was in his wife's position that I would give my spouse permission to get his sexual needs filled elsewhere, but honestly I'm not sure I could do that.


She has to find a way to fufil his needs with her or allow him to do so elsewhere. There is no other moral choice.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> She has to find a way to fufil his needs with her or allow him to do so elsewhere. There is no other moral choice.


Slightly "Off Thread" but I think that many people confuse:

"Needs" with "wants" or "desires".

If there was a true "need" for sexual release with a partner then the military would still be running "comfort houses" for troops posted to the front.

Yes I know there is a difference between going without for the 6 -12 months of the modern deployment and long term or permanent sensation within a relationship but the principle applies.

What do others consider then TRUE NEEDS? 
The things without which they would DIE not just what makes them happy. I can think of three off the top of my head that apply to us all in all situations.

Air to Breath (try holding your breath for more than say 3 minutes).

Water to drink (about three days that on).

Food to eat (I am caring some reserves so say 6 weeks).

We do as a species we do need to reproduce to avoid extinction but not everybody needs to take part in this process. 

There are other things that may be NEEDED depending on the situation.

Shelter from the elements. Ammunition, Air cover etc.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Been together 14 years, sex dwindled after 6 months to nearly nothing. She had an accident 12 years ago. Seems to me her sex problem predated her accident by 18 months, so one doesn't have to do with the other. One doesn't have to be an acrobat to provide or receive oral sex. She just doesn't wish to, just like she didn't wish to before her accident. Did you marry her during the 6 month initial phase where the sex was good or did you knowingly marry a sexless woman? If you knowingly married a sexless woman but sex is important to you, I guess I'm curious to know why you would do that and why would you think she would change 13 years later? If she had been participating sexually right up until the accident, I'd say your marriage vows take precedent and you should take care of your wife as you promised...through sickness, health, etc. If the six months of great sex was just the cheese to get you in a marital trap, and she never intended to seriously be your sexual partner, I'd continue financially supporting her but I'd get my intimate needs met elsewhere without the slightest hint of a guilty conscience. She might be devastated but aren't you pretty devastated? Maybe I'm reading your post wrong but it sounds like the sex problems came before the accident and the accident doesn't explain her unwillingness to do things she is still capable of doing.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Wiltshireman said:


> Slightly "Off Thread" but I think that many people confuse:
> 
> "Needs" with "wants" or "desires".
> 
> ...


Sexual intimacy is an actual "need" and some militaries actually do provide "comfort" girls. Our own military used to. That's why we call them "Hookers" (named after Union General Joe Hooker of our war of Northern Aggression). Even our prisons offer conjugal visits. We no longer hang or jail homosexuals because our courts have concluded that a person's sexuality is a basic human right. "Safety" is a basic human need but we put our soldiers in harm's way. Food, Water, and protection from the elements are basic human needs, but our fighting men have starved, died of thirst and heat exhaustion, and have died or lost limbs to cold weather injuries. The primary purpose of the military is to win and that sometimes means we expose our soldiers to very crappy conditions. We don't expect them to do that for their entire lives and when we expose them to very crappy conditions for long periods it gives us soldiers with mental problems. I expect the majority of spouses who complain of sexless marriages actually have marriages with a complete absence of physical intimacy, near total absence of compassion and tenderness. Humans aren't designed to live without human contact and when we put them in such environments, they frequently end up with a screw loose.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Tricky situation, and hard choices.

My wife and I talked about how we'd handle such situations before we married, but it's never too late to have that discussion. We've also been through 10 years of chronic pain and illness (most finally treated successfully) and stayed together, but sex was never lacking.

First of all, we vowed to stay together as long as we're both in love. There is no other valid criteria in our eyes. So far, that's never been remotely an issue. Even if we'd had traditional vows, we'd release the other from them if necessary. 

Second, in this kind of situation, we've agreed that we default to an open marriage if everything else we try doesn't work well enough (and we'd try just about anything as we've had a great sex life and neither of us would want to lose it or have the other lose it for any reason as we both give good sex a high priority in life). There is a risk, of course, that this would lead to divorce, but to us it's acceptable (see my next point).

Third, we're in agreement that two lives should not be made unhappy or possibly ruined because one is - but it would take a lot to get to that point where we'd divorce to set the other free, and even if we did, I think we'd both still stay as involved in caring for each other as possible. 

You can still have this discussion, and see where it leads. A marriage only works if both people give of themselves generously to the extent they are able. If one stops doing so - as it seems your wife has - then the marriage is done, IMO.


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## MattasonBlane (Sep 10, 2013)

I just wrote an entire other reply to you but it disappeared ... So, I realized that I didn't give you a lot of practical advice, take two.
First...
I have a whole host of medical problems besides the spinal trauma (as if the spinal trauma isn't enough! It leaves me with little control over my body from mid-back down, urinary incontinence, spastic reflexes, and continual pain). I've had a partial hysterectomy that left painful scar tissue and removed about 3 inches of vag depth (and it barely fit to begin with). My ovaries were left in place but they atrophied, so I have zero estrogen which leads to zero interest and dryness issues. I have a latex allergy, so most toys are out. I have fibromyalgia which, for me, causes post-coital internal swelling. And we're still not in an entirely sexless marriage. I hope this gives you hope.
Now for some biology. Closeness matters...
More and more obstetricians are now advocating Kangaroo-Care, where the newborn is laid skin-to-skin on mother's chest as soon as possible after birth, for as many hours a day as possible, for as long as is feasible. This is to encourage bonding. Skin-to-skin contact releases a very powerful hormone called oxytocin, the same hormone released during sexual arousal and the big O. It is often referred to as 'the love drug'. I mention this because it is not necessary to actually do "The Deed" to feel close and bonded to your spouse. Oxytocin evokes feelings of reduced stress, anxiety, fear, and even reduces inflammation. It causes an increase in feelings of trust, contentment, calmness, security and empathy. It is partly responsible for romantic attraction, faithfulness, and monogamy. Once your spouse begins to feel trust this secure emotionally calm state of contentment with you, she will become more receptive to further bonding. As the oxytocin affects her system just as a big O would, reducing inflammation and relaxing her, it will become a cycle that feeds itself and one that she wants fed. 
Now for the practical advice; this is what worked for us...
We had to talk first - for a LONG TIME - not to any therapist, but to each other! The Man is a Marine. He has been paid for many years to travel the states and make very difficult things bend to his will. In our house, from big to small, if it breaks, he fixes it. I am irrevocably broken. The Man couldn't accept that, and in turn, I felt as if he was rejecting me. I had a loss to grieve - the loss of the active wife, happy homemaker, super nurse, mighty mom, vibrant vixen that I was. He was never going to accept that loss if he kept trying to put Humpy Dumpty together again. We had to start our conversation in separate rooms, on our own computers, in chat boxes. Otherwise, I sobbed like an out-of-control toddler and he fumed like a locomotive. We started with simple things. We talked about our childhoods, what we had wanted to be before kids and bills and reality took over. We talked about our hopes and dreams, what they once were and then, what they realistically were now. We talked about our fantasies, what would we change about our past, what would we do if we won the lottery, what did we want more than anything, what would we do if the accident had never happened, and we worked our way around to sexual stuff. But it was nice just to talk to him, as a person, and NOT have every [email protected] conversation centered on the accident, or pain, or sex, like they had since the minute our lives changed. It was like getting to know him, for real this time. 
Then we started looking at things online together, We looked at lingerie, We looked at toys. And all the while he asked me questions - Do you like that one? Why? Is that too big? Is that one too complicated? Would you try that? Fun or scary, what do you think? Mostly we just looked; occasionally we purchased.
Then we bought a cheap digital camera, one without storage, and we took pictures - not nude, not of sex, just of each other, some with less clothing, but just flirting. And there were no expectations, no pressure, it was just a way to see each other - in a very literal way - through a different lens. It was a way to get dressed up, or wear something nice, or sexy, just for each other.
We spent time just being close to each other, underwear on if necessary, but together, skin-to-skin, bonding, no sex, no expectations. We took long bubble-baths together. He started with my fingers and toes, first with a light touch, then with a rub, then with a deep tissue massage. We bought oils, and lotions, scented and non. And he, very gently, took his time figuring out exactly where I can be touched and precisely how, without hurting me. We found out that there are places that I can handle being touched and there are a few that can be massaged and it was worth it to find them. Of course there are others that ruin my week and that's why, with spinal problems, you can't get carried away and you always have to start over very lightly when you move to a new area. But the result is that The Man can read my body in the dark like a blind man reads braille.
To us, physical closeness matters more than any penetration. I would say spend time naked together. Touch each other and find where it feels right. Let her know that you need affection but don't expect anything that will cause her pain. Do whatever you have to to start the conversation, even if it means texting. When the time is right, let your wife find toys that give her release and be willing to help her with them. Find toys that can give you release (I hear there's a toy that gives a realistic BJ) or pleasure yourself and don't shut her out of the process - look deep into her eyes, kiss her passionately, feel her skin close to you, smell her unique chemistry, and hold her afterwards, just like you would after any other kind of bonding. 
Be willing to believe that she's giving you all that's she's got. Be willing to accept that just because she tolerated a specific act today, that doesn't mean she'll ever be able to do it again, and realize she may not have tolerated it as well as you thought (our own pleasure can blind us to others pain - and let's be honest, sometimes it's REALLY hard to differentiate between an 'OMG that's freakin awesome' face and an 'OMG I'm DYING over here' face!). Ask questions. Ask twice. Insist that she be honest. Make her promise to tell you if it hurts and stop you no matter how much you are enjoying it. Please trust me in this. The more she sacrifices her comfort for your pleasure, the more she will withdraw from you in the future. 
I'm not saying it will be easy; I'm saying it will be worth it. 
And again, I wish you both all the best!


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Wiltshireman said:


> Slightly "Off Thread" but I think that many people confuse:
> 
> "Needs" with "wants" or "desires".












Maslow put sex as a physiological need in his famous heirarchy of needs, and I agree with him. The sex drive originates in the limbic system along with thirst, hunger and the urge to sleep. It is a need, no question.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

A toy that feels like a bj? Self release with her there? Sorry but no. Doesn't sound worth it. And spending a lot of time naked or in bubble baths with someone I can't have intercourse with....someone I love, just sounds like a torturous source of frustration to me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Maslow put sex as a physiological need in his famous heirarchy of needs, and I agree with him. The sex drive originates in the limbic system along with thirst, hunger and the urge to sleep. It is a need, no question.


Keep in mind that no levels will have much importance unless the levels below it are satisfied (I know you already know this JCL). Also notice that sex itself is a physiological need, but sexual intimacy is further up under love/belonging.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Married But Happy, As long as we are physically capable, I expect our marriage to include sexual intimacy. I think it's just that important (for both of us). If she were disabled to the extent that she couldn't, I wouldn't go elsewhere. I signed up for the long haul. Not sure how I'd deal, but God knows and that's good enough. Whether sexually or not, I will always need my wife's touch.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> Maslow put sex as a physiological need in his famous heirarchy of needs, and I agree with him. The sex drive originates in the limbic system along with thirst, hunger and the urge to sleep. It is a need, no question.


More people who have seen the diagram (never used by Maslow himself) and not understood the context.

Air, water, and food are metabolic requirements for survival in all animals, including humans. Clothing and shelter provide necessary protection from the elements. While maintaining an adequate birth rate shapes the intensity of the human sexual instinct, sexual competition may also shape said instinct.

While Maslow's hierarchy remains a very popular in management training and secondary and higher psychology instruction, it has largely been supplanted by attachment theory in graduate and clinical psychology and psychiatry.


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## betulanana (Jul 20, 2013)

OP,

i hope it is okay if we derail the thread like this. If not please tells us.




johnnycomelately said:


> Maslow put sex as a physiological need in his famous heirarchy of needs, and I agree with him. The sex drive originates in the limbic system along with thirst, hunger and the urge to sleep. It is a need, no question.


I never understood Maslow. He says that a need only emerges of the lower order need has been met. Morality and religion are up there and food and safety are lower order needs.
What about the matyrs who would rather be eaten by lions than deny their faith? What about the political prisoner who knows what he saying what he said he would end up in jail? What about all the people who got shot for trying to flee from dictatorships or standing up to their dictators or trying to hide their neighbours from the police?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

betulanana said:


> OP,
> 
> What about the matyrs who would rather be eaten by lions than deny their faith? What about the political prisoner who knows what he saying what he said he would end up in jail? What about all the people who got shot for trying to flee from dictatorships or standing up to their dictators or trying to hide their neighbours from the police?


Think of it as "guide lines" to help us understand the normal motivation of most people most of the time. 

There are exceptions that is I consider those who "stand up to be counted" despite the risk to be "EXCEPTIONAL" people.

I do not believe you have to be born exceptional for some it is a long journey for others a near instant transformation. One of the strange things about such people is that as often as not they consider themselves to be flawed.

As a child I remember reading about Martin Niemöller (a German priest who was imprisoned for his opposition to Hiller) and the feelings of guilt he felt for not having acted sooner.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Wiltshireman said:


> More people who have seen the diagram (never used by Maslow himself) and not understood the context.
> 
> Air, water, and food are metabolic requirements for survival in all animals, including humans. Clothing and shelter provide necessary protection from the elements. While maintaining an adequate birth rate shapes the intensity of the human sexual instinct, sexual competition may also shape said instinct.
> 
> While Maslow's hierarchy remains a very popular in management training and secondary and higher psychology instruction, it has largely been supplanted by attachment theory in graduate and clinical psychology and psychiatry.


By your own definition shelter is not a need, nor is clothing as we can survive without them. 

Most people would define need as something which is required to have an acceptable life, not your definition of something that we can't survive without. By your definition I don't need a bed or clothes (I live in a warm climate). But that is just pedantic. 

The fact of the matter is that the vast majority of people 'need' sex and will be driven to find it. If the OPs partner can't meet that need the OP will eventually meet that need elsewhere. It would be better for all if that situation were managed maturely rather than left to fate.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> The fact of the matter is that the vast majority of people 'need' sex and will be driven to find it. If the OPs partner can't meet that need the OP will eventually meet that need elsewhere. It would be better for all if that situation were managed maturely rather than left to fate.



That would depend on whether you consider "most people" to be driven and motivated “purely” by instinct and hormones (like some beast in a field) who are un-able to put the needs of others at the top of their priority list.

People can and do show amazing levels of self restraint so that others can benefit. I do not claim that anybody is perfect or that some peoples primeval drives are not stronger than that in others but we do as sentient beings have the ability to choose which of our “desires” we fulfill.

For myself (and many others I am sure) my “desire” to be loyal and faithful is greater than anything else.

Have you not heard “Love can conquer all”?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Not wanting to continue an argument over semantics in this threads can I say that I know and understand that “most people” “need” sexual release to live a “happy life”. Even as I insist that we do not “need” it to live.

If there is an ideal world where everybody could be happy all the time that would be great but unfortunately we do not live in such a world and sometimes we just have to accept that our lives and relationships will be affected by things beyond our control and try and make the best of a situation.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Wiltshireman said:


> That would depend on whether you consider "most people" to be driven and motivated “purely” by instinct and hormones (like some beast in a field) who are un-able to put the needs of others at the top of their priority list.
> 
> People can and do show amazing levels of self restraint so that others can benefit. I do not claim that anybody is perfect or that some peoples primeval drives are not stronger than that in others but we do as sentient beings have the ability to choose which of our “desires” we fulfill.
> 
> ...


I think that is naive. We are indeed beasts and pretending that we are not is dangerous.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> We are indeed beasts and pretending that we are not is dangerous.


I do think that most of us have a "beast" buried deep within us and in some people it is much nearer the surface than others.

However the application of rational thought and compassion can allow our "humanity" to shine through.

N.B. I used to be an “angry young man” and was about as “alpha” as they came but the experiences I have had, the people I have meet and the help I have received have allowed me to adjust my thinking and find at least a little peace. I am not there yet but I am progressing.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I have gone through a very similar thing however there was a light at the end of my tunnel and he still lost faith and stepped out now when we should be enjoying my new found movement we are struggling.


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

I am going to make a suggestion that will be jumped on, but I would strongly suggest the escort route. Someone said an open marriage, but that brings with it a bag of emotions. There are a lot of professional ladies out there and many of them cater to this - a real GFE without the strings attached. Is it deception? Yep. However, she is deceiving you. This will keep the resentment away.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

tryingtoenjoylife said:


> I am going to make a suggestion that will be jumped on, but I would strongly suggest the escort route. Someone said an open marriage, but that brings with it a bag of emotions. There are a lot of professional ladies out there and many of them cater to this - a real GFE without the strings attached. Is it deception? Yep. However, she is deceiving you. This will keep the resentment away.


I hope I am never guilty of "jumping" on people honest / helpful suggestions.

IMHO the escort route is one I would not personally advice, it is less likely to lead to emotional complications than a full blown affair but I do not feel it should be done behind a partners back. I do not see how the OP's partner is deceiving him so he should not deceive her.

As for dealing with the physical frustration that health men will have if they have to go without sex why not just “GET A GRIP” or “TAKE MATTERS INTO YOUR OWN HANDS” or of the other metaphors that are used here and elsewhere. 

The OP is not talking about a partner who does not want sex he is talking about one who through a medical condition is un-able to have sex. For me that is a BIG differance.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

I feel comfortable saying that no one can respond to this thread in any way that should matter to the OP. Should the OP bend to society's expectations, or should he defer to his soul's calling if it differs from the former? Most of us don't have the ego strength to endure a genuine encounter with our inner self. One of the first manifestations of this encounter ignored is the midlife crisis. The OP is listening to the respondents, but truly needs to turn his gaze inward. 

Did you read the responses by MattasonBlane? Her husband was faced with a similar issue. I don't know whether or not you will come to the same conclusions or follow the same thought process, but I suggest you must dig deep to understand what your soul calls for. Society tells you to honor "in sickness and in health, forsaking all others", what does your soul tell you? The principle task of adulthood is this very introspection, even if it causes you to veer off the well-trodden path you have been pressured to follow since birth. Kindest Regards-


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