# Should I leave before we have kids??



## Confused111 (Nov 13, 2014)

I am in therapy but need some normal people advice. 

I'm 31 and have been with my husband 8 years, married for one. We have always been such a happy couple, rarely arguing and always having fun together. It started going downhill with the proposal. I told him years ago I don't need anything extravagant I just want it to be a surprise- that's it. He did it at the most predictable time while vacationing and had the ring in my carry-on luggage so I already saw it before we boarded the plane. He is not an intelligent person so I brushed it off that he tried and I didn't say anything. At some point he realized I'd seen it so when it came time to propose (of course I knew exactly when and where he'd do it) all he said was "well I guess now is as good a time as ever, will you marry me". I acted so happy but was really disappointed. 

The entire year of wedding planning was him complaining bc he didn't see the point of getting married but was doing it for me. So I tried not to involve him much as to not annoy him. The wedding day he complained so much about taking pictures we had to stop. Half our family portraits he isn't smiling and looks annoyed. Once the wedding was out of the way I was finally able to clearly think about my future and having a family. I think my only goal I could see all those years before the wedding was the marriage itself. Unfortunately. 

I started resenting how he acted with the whole wedding. I started thinking that because of his lack of intelligence and maturity and responsibility, when we have kids that's a lot that will fall on my plate. Me paying the bills and taking care of all the grown up things was never a big deal bc I'm better at it but thinking of how much more I'll have to take care of when we have kids is overwhelming. Then I started being attracted to other men. I thought it was sexual until I started having an affair 6 months ago(exactly 1 year after marriage). I realized with my lover I was searching for a MAN. A man who is mature, assertive, ambitious, not lazy, and responsible. My husband doesn't know about the affair but I did break down and tell him the things that I'm not happy with and resentful for. Now he's trying so hard to make it up to me but I'm still thinking of leaving. He's such a good guy and makes me laugh and have fun, but that's about it. I don't know if he'd be a great parent and partner in life. Being mature and intelligent are things he can't just start doing, they are things he can't help. It's just the way he is. I feel terrible even saying he's not intelligent but that fact will make my future so much harder on me because I'll have to pick up a lot of slack. 

So, do I stay with my husband who loves and cherishes me, makes me laugh and is trying so hard? Or do I leave and seek what I feel I need in life- a partner who makes me feel secure and supported because he can share in all responsibilities. Someone who isn't lazy and timid and always afraid of messing up so lets me handle everything? I'm worried if I stay I'll never be satisfied. I can never have an intelligent, adult conversation with my husband and I feel I need that stimulation. Even if we try counseling will I end up right back here in 5 years? By then we'll have kids and it will be more complicated. Some men just don't mature and if that happens I'll never be satisfied. 

The big question I wish I had the answer to is what makes a happy marriage work for the long haul? Having your best friend who always makes you laugh? Or having a partner in life that makes you feel supported? I need to figure this out before having kids. Please help!!


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Reading between the lines in your wall of text (paragraphs, always a good way to entice more people to read long OP).

He never wanted this in the 1st place. You ignored his obvious lack of enthusiasm and commitment and kept trying...(Edit: not trying, pushing) until you gave up and screwed around.

He's patently not what you need, and it appears never will be. So, you already know the answer.

Get out. Accept that this 'marriage' is dead. Was in fact DOA. And move on.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sounds like you tried to force your will onto your relationship and its not working out for you.
Damage is done.


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## Confused111 (Nov 13, 2014)

Thank you for the advice and the tip on writing. I've never posted before.


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

I think you should talk to your husband about how you feel and see what he has to say for himself. Lots of men change after having children and become responsible, loving fathers. I know quite a few men who are as your husband described but when they have kids, they get more responsible while remaining young at heart. Unfortunately, not all men are like this. 

Have you told him you want children? How was his reaction? Does he want children? 

I think it sounds like he only married you to keep you happy and it wasnt something he really wanted. How old is he? Is he ready for that kind of commitment?

I think laughing and being immature together is important in a marriage. My husband turns 30 in January and while I am quite younger than him, I feel like despite his goofyness, he is a man, and that is also very important. 

I feel like your cons overweigh your pros but the decision is yours to make. Good luck.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

No children please. OK, you made a mistake, thats fine. Just tell your husband that you made a mistake marrying him and that you want a new life. Sign the papers and never speak to him again. OK? Good luck.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Being on here, I am starting to see people planning on hope and letting it blind them to the reality around them.

There were so many red flags, that you ignore them, because you wanted the marriage, and didn't take stock of the situation.

He likely married you, because he didn't want to lose you.

He married you out of fear of loss.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Confused111 said:


> I've never posted before.


You mean, under this user ID.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Confused111 said:


> Thank you for the advice and the tip on writing. I've never posted before.


Hope it helps. And my 'tip' was not made in malice. Just helpful advice for a 'noob' from a 'not quite so noob'.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Confused111 said:


> I am in therapy but need some normal people advice. . . . He is not an intelligent person so I brushed it off that he tried and I didn't say anything . . . I need to figure this out before having kids. Please help!!


*Howdy Confused,*

I think you know the answer to your question. If you have no respect for the man, why would you want to raise a family with him?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You would be doing this man a tremendous favor by divorcing him.


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## MidlifeWife (Jul 2, 2012)

Please don't have children with a man you are considering divorcing. Please resolve this before you become pregnant with either your husband's child or your lover. First, he strung you along for 8 years and then finally gave you a passive-aggressive proposal. You accepted but didn't really reconcile to the fact that he acted passive-aggressively in his proposal or during the entire engagement. Now you have cheated within a year or so of taking vows. I think the best thing you could do for your mutual future is end it before getting pregnant. It gets so much more complicated when kids are involved and you have to decide whether to stay in it for 20 years for the sake of the kids. Also, don't rush into having kids with your lover unless you are certain you and he are exactly on the same page about what you want for the future. You misread your husband for several years, and may be misreading your lover. Men are not very complicated creatures, they pretty much show you exactly who they are and expect you to take it or leave it at face value. So don't imagine changing or improving upon them, just make a decision with the assumption that what you see is what you get. Unless they are abusive, in which case, they act too good to be true until you are hooked. Love is hard.


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## Confused111 (Nov 13, 2014)

MysticTeenager said:


> I think you should talk to your husband about how you feel and see what he has to say for himself. Lots of men change after having children and become responsible, loving fathers. I know quite a few men who are as your husband described but when they have kids, they get more responsible while remaining young at heart. Unfortunately, not all men are like this.
> 
> Have you told him you want children? How was his reaction? Does he want children?
> 
> ...


Sorry I don't know how to reply to single messages. I know it's hard to believe but this honeslty is the first time I have EVER posted in a message board so I welcome the tips 

MysticTeenager: He never wanted kids but always said "I know we will have them, it's a part of life." Now he wants them but after all the years of arguing why they are great, I am resentful for all of the negative thoughts he put toward the idea. He is 32 and should be ready, but is just immature I think. He thinks marriage is just a piece of paper, and wanting to be with someone forever should be enough. But i'm traditional and wanted to get married before having kids, so he did that for me. This whole idea has also made me feel like our marriage does not hold a lot of meaning sadly.


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## Confused111 (Nov 13, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Being on here, I am starting to see people planning on hope and letting it blind them to the reality around them.
> 
> There were so many red flags, that you ignore them, because you wanted the marriage, and didn't take stock of the situation.
> 
> ...


Yes, I am really holding onto hope for our future. If I didn't have that I would have left him already. Thanks for your thoughts


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## Confused111 (Nov 13, 2014)

DayOne said:


> Hope it helps. And my 'tip' was not made in malice. Just helpful advice for a 'noob' from a 'not quite so noob'.


I know it was a friendly tip and I do appreciate it  I am getting the hang of this but honestly have never posted anything anywhere before. This is really helpful.


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## Confused111 (Nov 13, 2014)

MidlifeWife said:


> Please don't have children with a man you are considering divorcing. Please resolve this before you become pregnant with either your husband's child or your lover. First, he strung you along for 8 years and then finally gave you a passive-aggressive proposal. You accepted but didn't really reconcile to the fact that he acted passive-aggressively in his proposal or during the entire engagement. Now you have cheated within a year or so of taking vows. I think the best thing you could do for your mutual future is end it before getting pregnant. It gets so much more complicated when kids are involved and you have to decide whether to stay in it for 20 years for the sake of the kids. Also, don't rush into having kids with your lover unless you are certain you and he are exactly on the same page about what you want for the future. You misread your husband for several years, and may be misreading your lover. Men are not very complicated creatures, they pretty much show you exactly who they are and expect you to take it or leave it at face value. So don't imagine changing or improving upon them, just make a decision with the assumption that what you see is what you get. Unless they are abusive, in which case, they act too good to be true until you are hooked. Love is hard.


Great advice, thank you


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Tell him you had an affair and see what happens after that. It is dishonest to go on without him knowing who he is really married to. Maybe he will divorce you and you can be happy without him.


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> Tell him you had an affair and see what happens after that. It is dishonest to go on without him knowing who he is really married to. Maybe he will divorce you and you can be happy without him.


I completely agree. 

I understand that you feel resentful of how your husband has acted in the past, etc. I get that. Ive been there, done that.

But you just made it way worse by starting an affair....having it for a year & then keeping it a secret....all while being married to this guy you are supposedly resentful towards.

I think you are looking for justification for having the affair in the first place & for leaving him. 

My advice it to tell your husband how you feel, your resentments, etc.

AND also tell him everything about the affair...who it was, how it started, how it ended (if it truly has in fact), etc.

Then leave....because he sure will. Because no one deserves to be cheated on.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I don't know if he'd be a great parent and partner in life."

You're cheating.

Reflect on that and then think about who really is a potentially sub par partner and parent in this M.

Not trying to be mean...rather attempting to point out to you that you are totally ignoring or compartmentalizing your own despicable behavior just a year into the M.

Whatever his faults and mistakes have been, both before and after the wedding, they pale in comparison to the traitorous choices you are engaged in.

And you say he is trying really hard since you told him of your complaints.

Imagine what a schmuck he is going to feel like after it comes out that he is putting forth such tremendous effort to please a woman who has utterly betrayed him.

Tell him the truth about what you have done and let HIM decide if your M is worth trying to save after the damage you have inflicted.


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## HiLibido (Dec 10, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> You're cheating.
> 
> Reflect on that and then think about who really is a potentially sub par partner and parent in this M.


Oh, SNAP!

I hope you didn't come here looking for sympathy. When you post here about cheating on your spouse, the knives come out!

But to your original question, yes, leave already. Your marriage is over. Get used to it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Confused111 ,

How old are you and your husband?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Confused111 said:


> Yes, I am really holding onto hope for our future. If I didn't have that I would have left him already. Thanks for your thoughts


If you are going to stay with your husband and try to fix your marriage, you have to stop your affair and tell your husband that you have been cheating. Once you do that, there will be no marriage. He will most likely leave you.

So there is not a lot to hope for. You would be better just leaving him and figuring out what you want in life.

Just the fact that you say that your husband is not intelligent shows that you really have no respect for him.


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

The way you speak about your husband shows me that there is not much hope. You don't respect him and if you're intellectually not on the same level, you never will. 

You used to be a happy couple before the marriage because you didn't talk about future plans, etc., or at least they weren't real. With the wedding your H realised that his careless days were over and he became scared. But he went along because he didn't want to lose you and probably didn't reflect on his options. 

If you do want to stay with him and make it work you have to tell him about your affair and start from scratch.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

TheHappyGuy said:


> The way you speak about your husband shows me that there is not much hope. You don't respect him and if you're intellectually not on the same level, you never will.
> 
> You used to be a happy couple before the marriage because you didn't talk about future plans, etc., or at least they weren't real. With the wedding your H realised that his careless days were over and he became scared. But he went along because he didn't want to lose you and probably didn't reflect on his options.
> 
> *If you do want to stay with him and make it work you have to tell him about your affair and start from scratch.*


Yep.


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