# Not sure if one time thing or ongoing... Is being drunk an excuse?



## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

So the backstory on his infidelity: I work graveyard shifts at Subway from 10pm to 6am. I burned my arm on the speed oven and texted him telling him. And then he asked if I was okay and then I said yes, but it hurts. Then he texted me "f**k me" completely out of context then sent the messages "what does" "what hurts". I knew he was drinking because he asked if he could finish of his rum, so I thought sure. But that text message bothered me. It was so random. I got home at 7 in the morning and he fell asleep with his glasses on and his phone on the pillow so I knew he fell asleep texting, but not texting me. I hate being snoopy, but I just couldn't shake that feeling. I knew for a while that he had an app called MeetMe and I snooped through it before (I saw a notification on his phone and thought it was a dating site, but it's not) and he never was flirting or anything. Just honestly trying to make friends. He's in the marines and we move around a lot. It's hard to make friends, so I understood. That night he was messaging almost every girl on his friends list nasty sex messages and he was posting them as his updates and said things like "I wish the wifey didn't have the car". I confronted him about it and he didn't remember doing it. I cried for about two days straight and then I just tried to snap out of it. He apologized and seemed to feel bad for a little while, but I still don't feel like he's really made an effort to fix what he did.

I was really upset, but I didn't think that it was bad enough to ruin our marriage. But now I don't know what to think. I firmly believe that if any of those girls would have come over (none of them even replied to him) then he would have gone all the way. Or if he had the car, I think he would have driven to a bar or something (not that he'd get far in his condition). And now I can't help but wonder if he does this kind of thing when he's sober too. Maybe when he was drunk he just forgot to delete the messages. Does being blackout drunk like that make it okay? I feel like he should feel worse than he does, but maybe I'm just over reacting. How can I trust him again? I have to go to work tonight and he has eight hours to do whatever he wants without me knowing. The paranoia is driving me crazy. He's not allowed to drink while I'm gone (for now at least) and I'm not leaving him the keys. And I made him uninstall the app. Should I just move on?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

NO. Married or just dating?


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> NO. Married or just dating?


We're married. We started dating when I was 14 and he was 16. We're coming up on our first anniversary in a few weeks.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

right.vs.left said:


> We're married. We started dating when I was 14 and he was 16. We're coming up on our first anniversary in a few weeks.


Kids? And how old are you both now?


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Kids? And how old are you both now?


No kids. Not for a few years at least. I'm 19 and he's 21.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Too young to be married, IMHO. But that's beside the point.

Being drunk is no excuse for sending explicit sexual messages to anyone other than your wife.

You asked if you should just move on... personally, I would. Again, I think you're both too young (and he's too immature based on his behavior) to be married. You're only a year into this marriage (still the honeymoon phase) and he's already saying "f*ck me" to other women? Deal breaker for me, regardless of age or alcohol.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. Drinking isn't an excuse.

He doesn't apologize or try to make it right.

I am married to someone similar. He just pushed problems under the rug and pretends they didn't happen. And every time shet happens, more trust and love is broken and he doesn't GET IT.

But I'm 37 and he's 31.

Your husband has a drinking problem...which could soon be a cheating problem.

Talk to him about getting help. Mine quit drinking but never got help. It hasn't helped.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Why did you get married so young? Are you even in school? Did you graduate from high school? 

I hate to say this, but IMHO, you may want to strongly consider jettisoning this marriage. Just a guess, but I bet he's been going partying a fair amount since the two of you been together. Is he your only boyfriend? Don't bet that you were his only GF, or at least don't be shocked if you find out he's been having sex with other girls while he goes out partying. 

You got your whole life ahead of you. I think you may have married a loser. In your honest opinion, how does your H rate? Does he have the capacity to be a real productive member of society or is he working a dead end job?

Snap judgement based on VERY LITTLE INFO: he's probably a cheat. Divorce, get yourself an education, make a good career for yourself and find someone who is a good man.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

All I can suggest is not to let this be swept under the rug. Deal with it now, not in a few years, after you have kids and stuff. And don't take "I don't know" as an answer. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

that_girl said:


> Yea. Drinking isn't an excuse.
> 
> He doesn't apologize or try to make it right.
> 
> ...


I don't think he has a drinking problem. He usually only drinks two or three times a month. And usually he doesn't get that drunk. He apologized the first day and a little the second day, but now everything is back to normal and I'm scared that since he thinks we're good he'll think he can get away with it again. 

Also (to everyone here) please don't tell me I'm too young to be married. That's not what I started this forum for, and trust me. I've been told by everybody I know.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ohhhhh "I don't know" is the WORST ANSWER EVER!

They DO KNOW. They are just too scared to say it because they don't want you to leave.

Truth.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

right.vs.left said:


> I don't think he has a drinking problem. He usually only drinks two or three times a month. And usually he doesn't get that drunk. He apologized the first day and a little the second day, but now everything is back to normal and I'm scared that since he thinks we're good he'll think he can get away with it again.
> 
> Also (to everyone here) please don't tell me I'm too young to be married. That's not what I started this forum for, and trust me. I've been told by everybody I know.


Dude was wasted and texting other people to eff him.

Sounds like a problem with drinking to me.


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Why did you get married so young? Are you even in school? Did you graduate from high school?
> 
> I hate to say this, but IMHO, you may want to strongly consider jettisoning this marriage. Just a guess, but I bet he's been going partying a fair amount since the two of you been together. Is he your only boyfriend? Don't bet that you were his only GF, or at least don't be shocked if you find out he's been having sex with other girls while he goes out partying.
> 
> ...


Wow lol. I don't think you could be less supportive if you tried. He partied his senior year of high school, but so did I. I did graduate from high school as did he. He's a Lance Corporal for the Marine Corps and already has enough college credits for an associates and is working on more. I haven't started school yet because I want to go to art school and it costs a fortune. He wasn't my only boyfriend. He was my longest relationship, but not my only one. I most certainly was not his only one either. Also I didn't get married just to give up before we've even been married a year. This is a problem that can be fixed. I don't believe that divorce is the answer.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What is the problem, exactly?

He is texting women sexual messages?

Or that he rug sweeps?

I mean...it won't get any better and this will just sit on you. He isn't even talking about it with you. He didn't even truly apologize!

I say this as an older woman who's been around and dealing with the same shet---- for 7 years now. Kids and mortgage and all of that make it more difficult but I'm getting there.

At 19, you think life is roses. Love conquers all. Well...ok then...so what is your question about these problems?


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

that_girl said:


> What is the problem, exactly?
> 
> He is texting women sexual messages?
> 
> ...


Life is definitely not roses lol. My life never has been. And honestly both are bugging me. I want to bring it up to him again to let him know that everything is not okay, but I don't know how to do it in a constructive way.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

right.vs.left said:


> Life is definitely not roses lol. My life never has been. And honestly both are bugging me. I want to bring it up to him again to let him know that everything is not okay, but I don't know how to do it in a constructive way.


Just make him listen. It doesn't have to be constructive. Honest, yes. About you, yes.

"Hey, I'm still really hurt and confused about the other night. It hurts me more that you won't even acknowledge it or talk to me about it. I want and need to talk to you. I am questioning everything between us."

If he walks away, you got bigger problems than this.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

right.vs.left said:


> Also (to everyone here) please don't tell me I'm too young to be married. That's not what I started this forum for, and trust me. I've been told by everybody I know.


right vs. left...

It's impossible to separate the fact that you are married so young from the fact that your husband is behaving like a single, immature, young man.

The fact is, you have been with your husband since you were *14* which is still a *child* no matter how mature you think you both were/are.

I realize there are plenty of examples of successful marriages for people who married very young, but those are by and large the exception and not the rule.

As you've stated, EVERYONE tells you that you married to young, so why would we on this forum be any different?

I will bow out of your thread as I really have nothing constructive to offer. Good luck.


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

that_girl said:


> Just make him listen. It doesn't have to be constructive. Honest, yes. About you, yes.
> 
> "Hey, I'm still really hurt and confused about the other night. It hurts me more that you won't even acknowledge it or talk to me about it. I want and need to talk to you. I am questioning everything between us."
> 
> If he walks away, you got bigger problems than this.


Thank you. That's actually very helpful.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

right.vs.left said:


> Wow lol. I don't think you could be less supportive if you tried. He partied his senior year of high school, but so did I. I did graduate from high school as did he. He's a Lance Corporal for the Marine Corps and already has enough college credits for an associates and is working on more. I haven't started school yet because I want to go to art school and it costs a fortune. He wasn't my only boyfriend. He was my longest relationship, but not my only one. I most certainly was not his only one either. Also I didn't get married just to give up before we've even been married a year. This is a problem that can be fixed. I don't believe that divorce is the answer.


There you go. Looks like you don't have a problem after all. Good luck in the marriage!

Seriously though, I hope I'm wrong. But what That Girl wrote is based on real life experiences as someone older and wiser than you. I'll be 40 this year and have a wife, 3 kids, mortgage, private school tuition bills, utility bills, etc. etc. I too have some life experiences. 

If your H doesn't have much of a drinking problem now, do not be surprised if he develops one later. You know the odds of a happy, successful marriage when one spouse is in the armed forces. You have significant pressure up front. Now add in the fact that this 21 years young hot blooded man will periodically see his 19 year old wife as an anchor whenever he's going out and about with his fellow marines and watching them cruise around looking for women to screw. Hell, he may start out trying to play wingman for some buddies, and then...

Look, drunken texts wishing he had the car so he can screw all these other girls is bad. No matter how much alcohol, it's bad. Also, if he CANNOT remember doing it, then he blacked out. If he's blacking out, then he HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM! If, as you said, he does not have a drinking problem, then he was fully coherent and competent when he sent those sexually charged texts. 

Are you getting it yet?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But yea. As far as the young thing goes....it's true. It's not judgement it's just fact. Our brains aren't even fully developed until about age 25. That's when a huge shift happens within us. Another one happened for me at around 35. 

It will happen for you too, even though you probably don't believe me. lol. I never believed old people either.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw... Your husband is the one who should be worried about you going apesh1t on his ass, not you being concerned about bringing this up in a "constructive" way. If that's not the case, then first of all he's not worried about you leaving him so he can continue doing what he likes, and second he likely doesn't see this as being a big deal. Neither of these two things work in your favor as far as preventing repeat (and escalating) issues. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And I promise you he DID NOT black out. No way. lol. He's saying that so he doesn't have to talk about it.

I know a drinking problem when I see one. Did drinking cause him to do this? No. He did it. I've been effed up royally wasted and STILL knew what I was doing...choice. But is drinking part of the argument? Is he using it as an excuse? yes. (him blacking out is an excuse blamed on alcohol)...so it IS a problem.

In my experience, the drinking doesn't get any better. It just doesn't. It gets way worse before it can get better, however...you just have to figure this all out. But talk to him first. You'll get all the answers you need in how he responds.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea I think as women (young and old) we worry about looking "crazy" or "psycho"....but we don't realize that some situations warrant a bit of that. Responding loudly to bullshet is NOT crazy...it's healthy.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

I'm not going to get into the age thing even though I do agree with the general sentiment that you are too young. But as you age and mature more you'll see that at 19, you really don't have as much experience and knowledge as you think.

So since this is something you want to mend, you need to have a sit down with your husband and lay down the law of what you will and will not tolerate, and have consequences for what will happen if those boundaries are broken.

You're not wrong to feel what you feel, you're not overreacting, your husband was looking for sex from other women while he was drunk. 

Since he's saying that the reason he did it was because he was drunk, there shouldn't be anymore drinking on his part since he has admitted to a drinking problem.

Also, you shouldn't allow him to have any social meet up apps on his phone since he's shown that he's not mature enough to use them wisely. He should also be completely transparent with any social media he has, provide you with the passwords to them, and you should be able to check them whenever you feel like it. 

Don't look at it as intruding on his privacy, you have a right to check his accounts since he has shown he's unable to use them in an acceptable way.

I assume you all live on a military base. From my knowledge of them, they do offer quite a few activities and events that you all can get involved in to meet new people and build friendships.


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

that_girl said:


> Yea I think as women (young and old) we worry about looking "crazy" or "psycho"....but we don't realize that some situations warrant a bit of that. Responding loudly to bullshet is NOT crazy...it's healthy.


Well we only have one car and I'm always the one that has it. So if I just don't take him to get anymore alcohol do you think it will help? Or should I make him get real help for it? I guess when I hear "drinking problem" I think more along the lines of my dad who drinks beer like water and always gets really angry and such. And yeah, I've reached the point to where it bothers me enough that I feel like I do need to be a little loud. I guess I just wanted to make sure I wasn't over reacting before I made a big deal about it.


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

MoonBay said:


> So since this is something you want to mend, you need to have a sit down with your husband and lay down the law of what you will and will not tolerate, and have consequences for what will happen if those boundaries are broken.
> 
> You're not wrong to feel what you feel, you're not overreacting, your husband was looking for sex from other women while he was drunk.
> 
> ...


We're still relatively new to this base so we haven't really figured out all the activities and such that they have yet. So far the only things I've done is I made sure he knew he's not allowed to drink unless I'm with him. He can't hang out with his buddies (the few he has) without me. I made him delete that app on his phone and checked to make sure he didn't have any others like it. He's allowed me to look at his phone whenever I want, but I think I am going to ask him for his passwords and such to make sure he's just not deleting things while he's working or I'm working or sleeping. I know that I'm young and have a lot to learn. I do want advice (from any age) I just don't want people telling me to get a divorce. In hindsight, we should have waited to get married. I just thought that after dating for so long and knowing him and his family even longer that we would be fine even at such a young age. Thank you for understanding that I want to fix this instead of just jump ship. Even though I'm only 19, I still believe that marriage is something that is for life. I'm hurt, but I don't believe that this situation is something that cannot be fixed.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It takes about 30 seconds to download an app, and it's even quicker to delete after. So removing the apps now doesn't mean much. He can delete messages at will from whatever texting app he uses or FB. It also is exceedingly cheap to buy a "burner" (prepaid) phone and use it instead of his regular phone. All he has to do is stash it away when you're not working. 

So what are you going to do to resolve the REASONS he was sending out those messages, drunk or not? You can't just try to deal with the symptoms. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Drinking problems can look different from what we 'imagine' they are...or how movies portray.

Did you marry someone like your father though? We tend to do that before we realize it.

If it bothers you, you are NOT OVERREACTING. Trust yourself. Don't think, "Oh is this a big deal?" If it bothers you, it's a big deal and if he doesn't care if it bothers you, that's another big deal.

There are some things that I have done that were not a big deal to me. Yet they bothered my mate so I stopped doing them. Their feelings were more important than what I was doing....(I think at the time I was talking to an old ex ...nothing was happening but it bothered my mate. Done.).

But yea, alcoholism isn't just drinking every day and getting stupid and angry. It can be 2 times a month when someone drinks and does things like text women for sex when he's married and then saying he blacked out because he doesn't want to deal with what he did.

You can't FORCE him to get help. You cannot HELP HIM. He has to want it. In the meantime you have to decide if this is what you want. I promise you though, it won't get better until it gets a lot worse.

This is your first year of marriage. It should be honeymoon phase....


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

right.vs.left said:


> I'm hurt, but I don't believe that this situation is something that cannot be fixed.


If you feel that this can be fixed and is only a "hiccup" of sorts, then do what you feel is right and work through it.

I know that you believe that marriage is for life, and there's nothing wrong with that at all. I admire how important it is to you. However you need to come up with boundaries and what are deal breakers for you. Your husband is in the military and there is unfortunately a lot of temptation that comes up during deployments or underway training.

I hope all works out for you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. So now you're his mother and warden. 

How is this sexy? It's not.

This is the trap you don't want to be in. You are NOT his keeper.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You guys did date for a long time...as children.

But like PBear said, deal with the reasons WHY...not the actions themselves.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, how's the sex between you and your husband, OP? Do how much time do you spend together? Any chance of getting off the graveyard shifts?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

PBear said:


> It takes about 30 seconds to download an app, and it's even quicker to delete after. So removing the apps now doesn't mean much. He can delete messages at will from whatever texting app he uses or FB. It also is exceedingly cheap to buy a "burner" (prepaid) phone and use it instead of his regular phone. All he has to do is stash it away when you're not working.
> 
> So what are you going to do to resolve the REASONS he was sending out those messages, drunk or not? You can't just try to deal with the symptoms.
> 
> ...


To be honest I don't know his exact reasons for doing it. He was still kinda drunk when he woke up and he kinda hinted that it was about our sex life. But I don't know that that was the only reason or not.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

right.vs.left said:


> To be honest I don't know his exact reasons for doing it. He was still kinda drunk when he woke up and he kinda hinted that it was about our sex life. But I don't know that that was the only reason or not.


If you're going to fix this, you HAVE to dig until you get the answer. However painful it becomes. If you can't, you can't fix it. "I was drunk" is not an answer. "I don't know" is not an answer. Those are excuses. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

PBear said:


> Btw, how's the sex between you and your husband, OP? Do how much time do you spend together? Any chance of getting off the graveyard shifts?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well the sex was honestly starting to get dull. I feel like we were just never in the mood at the same time. During the week it's hard to spend time together cause he works long hours and is usually exhausted when he gets home. We eat dinner and usually watch tv or a movie together and then he plays Starcraft or something. We used to spend the weekends together but now I work Friday and Saturday nights and sleep all day. I can't get off the graveyard shift until we get a second car. I have to take him to and from work and his schedule is too inconsistent to work during the day. I wouldn't have even gotten the job, but with military pay we could really use the extra money. We still go on dates usually on the weekends before I have to go to work. I would like to spend more time with him I just can't really think of anything that he would want to do aside from what we already do.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I know money is a problem for a young Marine and his wife. Trying to find a job that is 8 to 5 daytime would be a smart move.

You guys are young and you have to set boundaries for each other and that includes, texting girls, going out without and so forth. Go see the Chaplain or his asst and see if there are any marriage building classes or groups that meet on the base.

He needs to rebuild trust with you both review each others phones and looking at phone bills together would be a good step for both of you. 

By the way stay away from the girls night out things and look for things you guys can do as a couple. When my son and daughter in law were on the east coast they spent weekends in DC looking at the free sights, when they were at MCRD and Pendleton they spent time at Mission Bay and Oceanside Beaches on their bikes. Cheap and fun things to do together.


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

PBear said:


> If you're going to fix this, you HAVE to dig until you get the answer. However painful it becomes. If you can't, you can't fix it. "I was drunk" is not an answer. "I don't know" is not an answer. Those are excuses.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah. I'm definitely going to dig. And I definitely won't take those excuses either. I know that if I don't fully confront him on this then I'm just going to keep obsessing over maybes until I explode.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Dull sex is just a symptom of bigger things.

Do you two talk? Are you emotionally intimate?


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

mahike said:


> I know money is a problem for a young Marine and his wife. Trying to find a job that is 8 to 5 daytime would be a smart move.
> 
> You guys are young and you have to set boundaries for each other and that includes, texting girls, going out without and so forth. Go see the Chaplain or his asst and see if there are any marriage building classes or groups that meet on the base.
> 
> ...


I couldn't do the girls night out stuff even if I wanted to lol. I have one friend here, and we talk maybe once a week. I want to find things to do with him, but honestly he doesn't like doing anything during the week (cause he's tired from work) and then on the weekend we might see a movie or eat at a restaurant. Those are also really the only things that he LIKES to do outside of the house.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But are you close.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

right.vs.left said:


> I couldn't do the girls night out stuff even if I wanted to lol. I have one friend here, and we talk maybe once a week. I want to find things to do with him, but honestly he doesn't like doing anything during the week (cause he's tired from work) and then on the weekend we might see a movie or eat at a restaurant. Those are also really the only things that he LIKES to do outside of the house.


Has he always been like that? What did you two do while you were dating?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

that_girl said:


> Dull sex is just a symptom of bigger things.
> 
> Do you two talk? Are you emotionally intimate?


We actually do talk a lot. Even while he's playing his video games (I make sure he's actually listening). He's 100% my go to person for everything. I struggle with depression and so I talk to him about what's bothering me (when something is bothering me. I've gotten pretty good at keeping every little thing from bringing me down). He always helps pick me back up so I can carry on. As far as I can tell, I'm the same for him. His work is extremely stressful so I'm always there for him to vent. We have basically all the same interests so we almost always have something to talk about. Up until this point, we've had great communication.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Are you living on the base or off and I get the tired part what is his MOS. Does he work on his MCI's while you are working?


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

PBear said:


> Has he always been like that? What did you two do while you were dating?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Pretty much, yes. He and I are both hermits. We kind of always have been. When we were dating we did more things, but money was less of an issue and personally he and I just enjoyed the things we could do in Texas. We loved going to the parades or the carnival that came to town. As far as I can tell, there's not much like that out here. We used to party a lot when we were younger too, but that kind of stuff just doesn't really interest us as much. We drink with his brother sometimes (he's stationed at the same base as us) but that's about it.


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

mahike said:


> Are you living on the base or off and I get the tired part what is his MOS. Does he work on his MCI's while you are working?


We live on base. He's a Tactical Data Systems Administrator. It's a really small MOS. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure when he's working on his MCI's.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I was thinking something for him to work on while you are gone instead of drinking. Rank advancement means more money! My son and Daughter in law worked on them as a couple of Saturday morning. She is the one of the few Moms that know what the color codes on shells mean and how to change out a barrel on a 50 cal.

I really hope you both confront this issue and work through it. Being away from home is tough, being married and young is tough and then through the military on top of this is tough.

Set boundaries with him, talk it out. try your best to get off the weekend nights. I know you need the money, that uniform allowance is not enough and of course eating is important.

Try doing something new together and do not sweep this under the rug


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

One thing to keep in mind, if he is drinking, and especially getting drunk, by himself, then he HAS a drinking problem. Drinking to blackout is also indications of problems. Being 19 you shouldn't have your own RUM either. Married or not doesn't make you old enough to be legally drinking. (I don't agree with this law, as if you are old enough to serve your country you should be old enough to drink, but just keep that in mind you are exhibiting illegal activities and this could cause him major problems as well.)

He needs boundaries, but good boundaries set and agreed upon by both and for both. You limiting his time with buddies, without you being there, will only serve to add stress to his life and cause him more problems. He needs these bonding times as if/when he deploys he will be even tighter with the unit and without having bonded with the fellow Marines he will feel like (and possibly be treated like) an outsider. When people ask for him to go and do things and he always turns down the offers (for whatever reason), after a while people will stop asking and this will only serve to alienate him further (and will lead to depression and more acting out, through contacting others and drinking).

Believe me, I have been there and know the culture of the young Marine and the pressures asserted to him. Being a Lance Corporal, money is tight and he will be chosen for all sorts of things until he gains more rank (sometimes these actions he is chosen for are nothing more than busy work to keep the Marines from getting bored and into trouble).

Agree with the recommendation to talk to the chaplain, also get involved with the welcoming committee, as every base has one, to get you in touch with activities and such offered on the base. There are plenty of things to do such as bowling, the gym, hobby shops, and various other things that are free/ low cost and will help you meet and bond with people or just occupy your minds. There are women's clubs as well to get you involved in the "lifetstyle" that you both are in. 

One thing to know is that the military's views on junior enlisted is "if they wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one", so he is somewhat behind the 8 ball being married. Don't let this get you down, just remember that they will not care about you, your family needs, and various other things (it has gotten better, but he will probably be getting lots of extra flack for being married, and the two of you need to find a way to address this extra pressure and relieve it).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A good definition for having a drinking problem is if someone’s drinking as a negative effect on their life. A person who gets very drunk twice a year and causes all kinds of damage to their live has a drinking problem. 

So.. Your husband has a drinking problem. When he gets drunk he does things that can mess up his life/marriage. No more drinking alone. If he does drink once in a while, it has to be with you or someone else and limited to only one or two drinks.

This also means that you have to seriously limit the amount you drink. And don’t keep alcohol in your house.

How much do you drink? How often? Do you get drunk? Black-out drunk?

Your husband is 100% responsible for what his drunk texting. 

He has to find ways to protect your marriage from his bad behavior. No more heavy drinking, no more drinking alone and no more social apps. One thing that he can do to prove to you that he’s not looking for women via his phone is to install some kind of logger on his cell that records everything he does. Then when you want to you can check it.

As someone said, he really does need to socialize with the people in his unit. But this socialization has to be completely transparent to you. If he does go out with his Marine buddies, he has to tell you where he is and who he is with at all times. It has to be ok for you to just drop by and say hi to him if you feel a need to. 

I was in the Army and around the military most of my life. I now that military people tend to party hard, drink hard. Cheating is probably more common in the military than in civilian life. It’s sort of a male bonding thing. It’s even worse when units are deployed to areas where there are women and bars around. (As opposed to the middle of the Sahara Desert).

As I said, he is 100% responsible for his bad behavior. However, the two of you are 50/50 responsible for the state of your marriage. And I sounds like there are already cracks in the foundation.

A poor marital sex life is almost always not usually THE problem in a marriage, it is a symptom of other problems in the marriage. 
You say that he hinted at a poor sex life. Then you describe a family life that is lacking in emotional connection/bonding.

The first problem is you working a night shift. Working opposite schedules is very often a marriage killer. Why? Because it prevents you both from spending enough quality time together. It also puts the two of you on different bio-clocks. So you drift apart. 

I know that you need the job right now. But could you be job hunting when you are not at work. The easiest time to find a new job is when you already have a job. I know it sounds odd but it’s proven. I think people have more confidence interviewing when they have a job already is the reason. When they ask why you’re looking to leave your current job, just say that you want a job with a day-time schedule. Most employers would understand this.

While you are still working nights, your husband needs to plan constructive things to do with his time. He can work on his military classes. He can sign up for college classes and use the time to study. There are activities on base that he can do. Sitting at home and getting drunk is not an activity that any healthy person should engage in.

Also consider going to school. What kind of art school are you looking at that cost so much? 

The fact is that a degree in art is not likely to translate into any kind of career that actually pays much. While art might be your interest, you might be able to find something else that you like, or something related.

One example I can give is that there are a lot of artists and dancers in my family. One of these is a nephew who has been a professional dance. He’s married, has children. His wife and children are also all professional dancers. What he’s done is to get BA and MA degrees in preforming arts management. He now has a production company that works with performers to put on shows that produce a lot of income. He also works with non-profit arts companies to help manage, getting grants, etc. 

The reason I’m bringing this up is that you are most likely eligible for a lot of financial aid in the form of grants, scholarships and loans. Plus in a lot of universities there is Federal Work Study available. You might do better financially going to school then working some minimum wage job. Plus if you pick a degree that will translate into a mid to high rage income level you will be much better off.

Now, on to another topic.. the time you two spend together. You two need to find things to do together that enrich your life. Generally a couple needs to spend about 15 hours a week together, just the two of you doing date-like things. Now date-like does not necessarily mean spending money. There have to be some places near you that are fun.. for example I live by a river and a mountain range. I love going to either one. There is nothing more romantic then a hike/walk along the river, stopping for a picnic. A hike with a lunch in your back pack for a picnic is a date that costs nothing really. 

Take a look at the website Find your people - Meetup . See if there is anything you enjoy on there going on in your area. Here where I live there are groups that meet up for white water rafting, hiking, arts craws through our city, book clubs.. the list is endless. 

Taking a class together is one of the best ways to rebuild a connection. Learn to do something together.. Dancing, scuba diving, art related things like painting, drawing, etc. 

There are some books that I think would help you:

“Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley. While your husband has not has an affair, the book does a good job of describing how a marriage gets to the point that things like affairs happen. A it talks about how to get things back on track.

The other books are basically the ‘user manuals’ for marriage. How to work on your marriage to make it as strong as is humanly possible. These books are: “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”, again by Dr. Harley.

How you work this out. 


.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm curious... What do you do during the week when you're not working?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

right.vs.left said:


> To be honest I don't know his exact reasons for doing it. He was still kinda drunk when he woke up and he kinda hinted that it was about our sex life. But I don't know that that was the only reason or not.


This! You said sex was down. if he can come home watch a show and play video games he is not that tired. If you're saying something about him being tired he may be perceiving that as you are realLy not interested in sex He may be the nice guy then decides you're not interested so he's not going there. Which is making him more and more frustrated. He might be like a lot of men to where physical intimacy is the means were they feel loved and cared for. If he feels errantly that you are satisfied with the status quo that could build resentment. Been there snd done that. I know if it's been few days with me and my wife when she tells me I love you I'm like yeah whatever right, i do not feel it because with out the physical I do not feel an intimate connection to my spouse. I feel like she could care less about me. I used to take her complaints of shoulders hurting as " I'm not interested and don't go there" which would cause anger and resentment toward her. You might try even if you are not in the mood, if you enjoy being with him you can get in the mood after initiation
This might go along ways toward solving his issue. he may want to be doing more stuff in the bedroom been trying to find stuff to do outside going places.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So your wife can't love you unless she's having sex with you?

Strange mindset. Honestly.

And it's not the OPs fault that her man was drunk and texting other women.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

that_girl said:


> So your wife can't love you unless she's having sex with you?
> 
> Strange mindset. Honestly.
> 
> And it's not the OPs fault that her man was drunk and texting other women.


 No his moral breakdown is all on him! Yes she can love me. I know she does but after a few days there starts to be some emotional distance. Its no different than if your love language is acts of service and your hubby rarely helps you around the house, or its quality time and he only spends time with you every 3-4 days, or may be communication and you have a spouse of few words....hey I said I love you 4 days ago...i work and pay the bills, of course i love you but why are you so needy for me to tell you more than 1-2 times a week. It all depends on your love language and if that is not being met regularly a person can feel uncared for or in an emotional drought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> This also means that you have to seriously limit the amount you drink. And don’t keep alcohol in your house.
> 
> How much do you drink? How often? Do you get drunk? Black-out drunk?
> 
> ...


Thank you! All of this was really helpful. And as far as the drinking goes, that really does put it into perspective. We usually never have alcohol in our house as is. We just got some a while back for a party with another couple that we are friends with. I like the idea of a logger. Cause as someone else pointed out it doesn't take long at all to install/uninstall an app and it would really give me some piece of mind. I definitely didn't want to completely cut off his ability to hang out with his friends. So far I've met the few that he is friends with and (from what I can tell) they don't seem to be the type that would go out searching for women. I'm going to talk to my boss and about switching me to daytime if it's possible. If not then I think it probably would be best to find a different job altogether. Cause it definitely has affected our time together. Weekends used to be our main time to just have fun. I want to improve our sex life, but it's kind of hard to figure out what needs improving. It used to be great when we were younger, but now it's like my sex drive is 3x as much as his. I don't know if I need to lose weight or just overall find more ways to make it exciting like it used to be. I will definitely check out those books though.


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

PBear said:


> I'm curious... What do you do during the week when you're not working?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


During the week when I'm not working and he is working I just spend time cleaning the house, running errands, or watching Netflix if I have enough downtime. Sometimes I'll try to set up a little date night or something. When he's home we eat dinner together and watch a little tv then he plays his games and we go to bed at the same time.


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> This! You said sex was down. if he can come home watch a show and play video games he is not that tired. If you're saying something about him being tired he may be perceiving that as you are realLy not interested in sex He may be the nice guy then decides you're not interested so he's not going there. Which is making him more and more frustrated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This could be true. He definitely has a bad habit of not really wanting to bring up problems while they're still small ones. But the problem is, it's usually me who is feeling like we are not physically intimate enough. And then I'm the one who gets kind of frustrated because it kind of hurts my self esteem whenever I'm trying to get him in the mood or something and he just kind of ignores it or jokes it off. But that could be because he just knows if we go there then it's just going to be boring. The whole thing really needs improvement to be honest.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Is this boring assessment coming from him, you, or both? Maybe he doesn't/ didn't feel it was boring and you have brought it up to him and now he is tired of trying as he sees it is as not good in your eyes and is ashamed/ afraid to try???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He laughs off your advances?

hm...


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

My two cents...

As has been said, drinking is no excuse. Anything he'd do drunk he'd do sober, so this is simply who he is.

That means he was betraying you and clearly not committed to you or the marriage. And if he isn't now, he probably isn't going to ever be.

I agree you married too young and you are in a loveless relationship. 

I really hate to say this, but I think it's time to move on before this gets worse and ugly.


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> Is this boring assessment coming from him, you, or both? Maybe he doesn't/ didn't feel it was boring and you have brought it up to him and now he is tired of trying as he sees it is as not good in your eyes and is ashamed/ afraid to try???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He brought it up first. He definitely didn't seem very comfortable trying to tell me (I think he was afraid he was going to hurt my feelings) but honestly I was kind of thinking the same thing. I just think that it's affecting him more than me.


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## right.vs.left (Jun 20, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> My two cents...
> 
> As has been said, drinking is no excuse. Anything he'd do drunk he'd do sober, so this is simply who he is.
> 
> ...


Well then lol. You are making all of your assessments after only seeing the negative side of our marriage. If we didn't have a lot of good to hold on to, then sure I'd give up. I don't give a crap how young I am, I am not going to just throw in the towel over drunk text messages. We do love each other. There's not a single marriage out there that hasn't had a problem before. Sure, we married too young. So that means that I should just get a divorce and try again later? I'm sorry, but that's just ridiculous. We can improve a sex life. With time we can get passed his whole texting fiasco. I just can't believe that so many people are telling me to get a divorce over text messages lol. I want advice to FIX my marriage. Not people telling me to just say f**k it and move on. So please... No one else tell me to get a divorce. I'm not a quitter and there is plenty in my marriage that is still worth saving.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Then talk to him. That's all you can do at this point. If he wants to fix it too, then awesome. If he ignores or doesn't get involved with fixing things, then you can't fix it alone.

You know it all, it seems. Good luck.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

But you haven't even made it to a year yet. That should be an indication to you and him. Yes marriages have troubles but you should still be in the honeymoon phase and you say sex is boring and he is texting others. That is a bad indication and a hint you need to take. The issues you are describing should at best be starting in the 5-7 year range, not the 5-7 month range!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

right.vs.left said:


> Well then lol. You are making all of your assessments after only seeing the negative side of our marriage. If we didn't have a lot of good to hold on to, then sure I'd give up. I don't give a crap how young I am, I am not going to just throw in the towel over drunk text messages. We do love each other. There's not a single marriage out there that hasn't had a problem before. Sure, we married too young. So that means that I should just get a divorce and try again later? I'm sorry, but that's just ridiculous. We can improve a sex life. With time we can get passed his whole texting fiasco. I just can't believe that so many people are telling me to get a divorce over text messages lol. I want advice to FIX my marriage. Not people telling me to just say f**k it and move on. So please... No one else tell me to get a divorce. I'm not a quitter and there is plenty in my marriage that is still worth saving.


I admire your positive outlook. 

I wish you well. I really do.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon about your age. If I did, I would be a hypocrite. My husband was 18, and at the end of his senior year in high school when we married. I was 23. We have been married just over 14 years now. It hasn't been easy, but we also got the "you're too young" argument. That said, I do agree with the others about other things. You need to sit down and talk to him. You need to tell him how it really felt seeing those messages and that it's something that has been weighing on your mind. No, at this point, you don't do it gently. You face it headon. I'm not saying to call him a d*ck or an ass or anything like that. But you need to lay it out there. This is not something you should have to deal with, oeriod. But at less than one year of marriage, it doesn't bode well. I wish you luck. Yes, young marriages can make it. But not if you tiptoe around the issues.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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