# Ocpd



## lastresort (Aug 12, 2012)

I have been married to a "good man" for 30 years. It is a second marriage for both of us and we have 4 adult daughters and several grandchildren. We are both in our early 70's. But I would be the first to warn any woman about marrying a "good man". In some ways it can be as dangerous as marrying a "bad" one!
My husband has always been on the Obsessive Compulsive Spectrum but I have come to realise it is getting worse with approaching old age. I don't know if I can take any more of it. it raises my already high blood pressure to way over the top of high even though I am on meds for it. 
I have managed to stay with him through some extremely difficult times as I am a non confrontational passive type who loves a quiet life and is fearful of being alone with limited finances. But yesterday I over reached my tolerance level and I am now sunk indepression and can barely bring myself to speak to him. We live on a holiday island. Occasionally my children come to stay nearby. Yesterday we had planned an early start to their day which meant being up and ready to go by 9am. I woke my husband with coffee at 8am. At 8.45am he was still in bed. The kids arrived all eager and he then decided to get into the bathroom. The normal toilet over with he wasn't content to simply wash his face and pull on some shorts, he was only giving them a lift in the car which was going to take them 10mins. No. He then began his showering which normally takes a full 10minutes. And he took his time. When challenged by me he replied that he always did this and we had to wait.
It hurt me to see the disappointment and bewilderment on the faces of the children, young ones included, who had all made such an effort to get to us on time.
Am I being unreasonable to complain to him? he insists he did "nothing wrong". And as always he has to declare he is innocent of any wrongdoing. And there a hundred and one other signs of this OCPD. Things like, over fastidiousness in personal hygiene, hoarding stuff that is useless and old and unusable, making lists with the edges cut off neatly if on bits of paper torn from an exercise book, chewing his food 20 times before swallowing, being boring about his one and only passion, old cars, downt to extreme details in lengthy monologues or else not talking at all and being depressed, and disliking overt signs of affection such as kissing and hugging. Oh and putting food back into the fridge the moment I have seemingly finished with them and hanging out the wet washing meticulously lining up the pegs. Oh it goes on and on.
I am tired. And hurting for my kids. They are not his children. He is much the same with his own though.

If only we had more money I would be outta here so fast you would see only dust. How can I stay? Should I stay even though it affects my health? help!


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

He needs some intense counseling. I believe there are meds thsy can help with this problem. If he is willing to do it. 

Im sorry, i know this must be very difficult to deal with.


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## gordis (Aug 3, 2012)

My sister was diagnosed as having OCD and it did terrible things to her marriage before she was able to get it under control. She is medicated for it now and things are better for and her family. I would suggest making some phone calls to see if you can get either free or reduced priced professional help for your husband.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Unfortunately, what you listed your husband as possibly having, OCPD, is a personality disorder, different from OCD, which is an anxiety disorder. I'm assuming since you knew enough to put OCPD as the title, you are aware of it's symptoms. The unfortunate part of it is that as a personality disorder, it is typically hard to "treat." I would make a list of things you find unbearable (ie you feel you can no longer tolerate in your marriage) and discuss them with your husband. If he is willing to go to therapy (IC and MC sounds good), then try that route. But don't expect a quick fix with it. As the name denotes, it's part of his personality. 

If he is unwilling to work on anything, either in counseling or as a couple yourselves, then you have to consider whether you can stay in your status quo relationship for however many years either of you has left (sorry to be morbid).


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## lastresort (Aug 12, 2012)

Thankyou for both replies. Much appreciated. Yes, you are correct, Heartsdelight I do know the difference between OCD and OCPD. But writing it all down on this forum has at least helped me to remember that it is a disorder and not just a spiteful action. My OH is also passive aggressive too which complicates the issue as he can tend to use his passivity to assert himself agressively. Oh my, such complications! Sometime ago I did seek professional help but the therapist told me eiher I put up with it or leave. Not really very helpful. But it is so helpful simply to have a forum like this to talk to people who may be undergoing similar stuff. Thankyou.


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## gordis (Aug 3, 2012)

lastresort if you went to a therapist who gave you an answer that was unhelpful then you may want to consider trying to get a second opinion. In my experience, when it comes to mental health issues different professionals have different opinions and methods.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

lastresort, I can sympathize with you... It can be maddening when things have to be "just so" or anxiety goes up. My H used to be really bad about it but thankfully he's been able to manage alot within himself and takes medication for it. I'm so thankful it's getting better and not worse but he's only 38 so it may get worse again as he gets older... Lord help me if it does


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## lastresort (Aug 12, 2012)

It is hard lovingsummer and it doesn't get easier. I have been resentful over the years of my marriage that so much good in it has been so harmed by this behaviour pattern. And I get fedup with inevitably becoming his therapist! We have frequent flareups and then we sit down and I explain as patiently as I can what he has done to offend either me or others. I have longed to not be the strong one! I don't approve of meds and in his case anyhow it wouldn't be appropriate as it is not deeply anxiety driven but is more of a personality feature. But this forum is a great place to come to in times of severe stress. It is relieving my blood pressure which is good!


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

Yes, it is good. Sometimes just typing it out there helps which is why I journal alot.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Even though it falls under "personality disorder" instead of "anxiety disorder", there is still a lot of anxiety. It just sounds like your husband usually gets his way so he has no cause to be anxious. I actually have a lot of OCPD features, thankfully only in regards to more minor situations, but it does cause stress in my marriage. I have to have laundry sorted a certain way. Dishes must be put into the dishwasher in a certain arrangement. I hated taking notes in class because often times I'd make a mistake and have to rip the page out and start over fresh (and no I couldn't use a pencil because it smudged too easily) and by the time I got done recopying everything from the page I ripped out I'd be way behind. There are many more things (I'm sure my husband could come up with more examples) and when I get to do things my way it's smooth sailing. I happily do the dishes and laundry in our household because I feel so cheerful knowing they're done "right". Even if my husband follows my instructions, I feel like I have to watch him with a hawkeye (he is actually a great cleaner, but it's the crazy in me). 

But underneath all that, when I am pushed to not follow through or let him do something, I get fairly bad anxiety, even over silly things. It often comes out as anger or impatience. He knows me well enough that instead of pushing me he will ask me what things I feel ready to work on and I try them and he helps me get through the anxiety. It's hard, and I know sometimes I drive him NUTS, but he simply tries to push me just a LITTLE past my comfort.

That being said, this only works because, while I don't REALLY want to change (because I'm right, after all), I want to change to make my marriage work. And because a part of me knows I'm being irrational most of the time. If your husband doesn't have those two motivating factors, I can't imagine anything changing his ways. 

I just wanted to gently remind that it's VERY hard to not do things your way when you have this kind of personality. Most likely he IS experiencing anxiety when you or others push him, but he flares it up as anger (and may even feel he is experiencing it as anger too). 

This doesn't excuse his behavior, but hopefully can help you understand a little better what he might be feeling and what might help some.


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## lastresort (Aug 12, 2012)

Heartsdelight thankyou once again. I found your posting very enlightening. I had always thought until very recently that the source of my OH's problems lay in him being sent off to a typical English Public boarding school after years of a sunny childhood spent roaming wild in the west indies. The anxiety, the loss of freedom and the strict rules and regs he suddenly had to adhere to. But as my wise daughter said recently to me I am always making excuses for people. It's my form of denial I guess. Most of our 30 year marriage (second for both of us) had been spent also in coping with a bitter exwife who was a classic case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He had been very heavily controlled by her until she died a few years ago. So the concentration on trying to understand his behaviour was always in my mind associated with having been very damaged by that marriage. But now that is freed of that tie and we are both retired he is getting more and more OCPD ish. 
Your comments about the dishasher really made sense to me. He won't have a dishwasher in the house. Says it is wasteful and uneccessary since we are only 2 people. So I wash and he dries. Except that I am a lousy housefrau and sometimes (Aaagh God Forbid!) I leave bits of food in the bottom of the pans. Consequently we get a great deal of banging and crashing as he deals with this offensive article. So that I hear his displeasure you see. He can't shout at me cos he is passive aggressive so that's his way of letting me know he is mightily disapproving. If you do a job you must do it properly etc etc....even though it is ME and not HIM who has done it. 
Also a few years ago I was diagnosed with M.E. Chronic Fatigue and it meant he had to take over some of my duties in the house. I thought it strange at first that he seemed to love the role of carer. Now I know why. It makes him feel secure and comfortable and in control of course. 
As you rightly say HD there is anxiety, low level stuff I agree, but it is there all the time in his personality. There have been a few classic moments, I can count on one hand, when he was faced with having to make a spontaeneous decision in a tricky situation and he went into what I call a sort of a comatose state with his eyes almost glassed over, unable to communicate with me or anyone. I guess this is part of the syndrome too? 

So I am still learning I guess. But at least he loves the supermarket shopping which I detest. He makes endless neatly written lists and checks the fridge and spends hours over the till receipt later. Hey ho. Some good stuff I suppose? It's when he becomes overfastidious and over anxious and then takes it out on others that I blow my top. Hard not to!!


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