# Can't decide if this is a rant or if I want help



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Soooooo.....I have been married over 30 years. We are in our late 50's. Husband had prostate removed and since then he has trouble maintaining an erection - not so much that he does not masturbate a lot. 

He has a very stressful job and they literally just doubled he work load because he was succeeding and named the top in the company. Yeah, thanks. Anyway, he is stressed. About a year ago I had an issue with him because I caught him masturbating in bed when he thought I was asleep. It was an issue because he never, and I mean never, asks for sex. So, we had some frank conversations about masturbation and ability and fantasies and pornography. His main point is that he needs to masturbate to relax - it's a stress reliever. I was better about asking for sex, but it is always about how he just wants to "do it" to relieve stress. Honestly, he was never much in bed and with the erection trouble, it's all about getting the erection and then getting the job done (they job being his orgasm, not mine). Time goes by, life is busy....anyway

He knew the new responsibility at work was coming and he has been stressed. Every night he leaves the room in the middle of the night with his phone. He's looking at porn and masturbating. I confirmed this by looking at his history. Well....that was upsetting in itself because it's all about secretaries and other specific things that make me think he is fantasizing about a woman at work. The last time we had sex he actually performed oral on me - something he has done about a dozen times in 30 years, and he let me perform it on him - he generally does not want me to. This bothered me because one of the things he was looking at on his phone was secretaries performing oral. He also started talking about all these fantasies of sex outdoors and with people watching. That is weird because for 30 years he never wanted to talk during sex or would never discuss fantasies - he would get irritable if I tried.

In general, we get along great. We spend a lot of time together - he never wants to be away from me. He is going to have to travel again and he wants me to come with him. 

I guess I am just wondering your impression of all of this.

Thanks,


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

A few things:

1. Masturbating instead of being with you is a big no-no IMO.

2. Looking at porn while masturbating instead of being with you is bigger no-no

3. After 30 years of marriage and prostate surgery which has affected his body/sex abilities, why not allow some changes in sexual practices? I'm not in favor of public sex, but why not be open to trying new things as long as they don't conflict with your morals/interests.

It sounds like you wanted to give him oral in the years past, and now that he wants it, you are resentful. I get that you are resentful because he saw it in porn before he wanted it with you. But he asked you for it, rather than fantasize about one of them. That is a big plus.

He could be a really slow learner, and his difficulties due to the surgery have forced him to become more open to different things. At least your sex life is still there, and it seems to be getting more interesting. Go with it, within reason (your values).

What are your fantasies? He might be open to trying them out now, when he wasn't before.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

How long ago was the prostrate surgery?

Things change after prostrate surgery, and that takes a bit of time to get use to.

And yes, this does sound selfish .. "getting the job done"


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

He was never much in bed before the surgery. He knows you feel this way. Now he knows he is even less than he was back when "he wasn't much". So he chooses not to have sex at all rather than have sex and disappoint you. He would rather jerk off in another room than have sex and be a failure. Cowardly and counter-productive but happens frequently and is understandable.

Partner sex has to stop being about his penis. Stop making it about intercourse. Stop making it about you having to get him off. He knows how to get himself off quickly and easily. That is always available to be the "finale" when you are done. Partner sex for you two needs to be about fingers and tongue and toys and about sharing and togetherness. About him learning more about your body rather than you learning more about his.

I know it is frustrating, but you are the one who wants more partner sex so you are the one who will have to make some changes to address his anxieties. If the sessions are judged by whether he pleases you with his penis or about whether he reaches orgasm while erect inside your vagina, then there is a major chance for failure and his anxiety will continue. I know there are ED drugs and I agree he should take them. But your sex life as a couple should not depend on those drugs being effective.

Good luck. This is no fun. And FYI, I am a male who has stopped having sex with his wife because she made it clear she did not enjoy it very much and I got tired of feeling like a failure. So for the past few years we do not have partner sex at all and my sex life consists of jerking off to porn. Or sometimes to the fantasies in my head. So even though in the past I was the one who wanted sex more often than we were having it, now I am the one preventing partner sex from happening. Sexual mismatch messes with your head, and you need to be open to all sorts of imaginative ideas to get things back on track. Listen to @badsanta. He has a great way of using humor to relieve the conflict inherent in mismatched libidos.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

NickyT said:


> Soooooo.....I have been married over 30 years. We are in our late 50's. Husband had prostate removed and since then he has trouble maintaining an erection - not so much that he does not masturbate a lot.
> 
> He has a very stressful job and they literally just doubled he work load because he was succeeding and named the top in the company. Yeah, thanks. Anyway, he is stressed. About a year ago I had an issue with him because I caught him masturbating in bed when he thought I was asleep. It was an issue because he never, and I mean never, asks for sex. So, we had some frank conversations about masturbation and ability and fantasies and pornography. His main point is that he needs to masturbate to relax - it's a stress reliever. I was better about asking for sex, but it is always about how he just wants to "do it" to relieve stress. Honestly, he was never much in bed and with the erection trouble, it's all about getting the erection and then getting the job done (they job being his orgasm, not mine). Time goes by, life is busy....anyway
> 
> ...



It could be a number of things

1. His erection problems may bother him and he doesn't want to embarrass himself in front of you
2. You may not do it for him anymore (hence the porn, or because of the porn)
3. He really just wants a quick fix for his stress
4. He is a selfish lover, there are many men like this I guess, who only worry about their climax.

You have to have a frank discussion about your needs too.

I,m in a similar boat, though mine says he doesn't feel the need to masturbate but it is frustrating.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

NickyT said:


> His main point is that he needs to masturbate to relax - it's a stress reliever.


This is rather awkward because it is NOT about sex, but at the same time it has a strong impact on his sexuality. 
@NickyT it is important to realize as a woman that you likely can not empathize with the side effects of the male refractory period. After a male orgasms, all sorts of hormones are released primarily to counteract testosterone and nullify arousal. Some men might describe this experience as the equivalent to taking a valium. If a man is skilled and proficient enough with masturbation, it is possible to induce this effect from a state of zero arousal and zero desire. It can be very relaxing once accomplished.

OK now perhaps you want him to direct that "lovin" towards you, but you have to realize that his experience may indeed be void of anything sharable. Just stress, sleeplessness, anxiety, unable to get comfortable, and nonstop tossing and turning with a busy day ahead of him tomorrow. 

If you were to participate in that, you would likely have to make it all about him in an effort to sooth him and help him relax. That is possible, but it is a scenario that may not lend itself to anything sexy. More like a sensation of trying kneed a tough lump of dough as briskly as possible for ten minutes. 

In my personal opinion I would strongly advocate for the two of you to try and exercise together. This will relieve his stress and help him sleep better. Meanwhile it will also improve his sexual receptiveness because his health will improve and he is not abusing his hormones by using masturbation as a sleep aid.

As @Holdingontoit mentioned, you also need to address this topic with a sense of humor. Getting upset will just add more stress and make it worse. Eventually you will want to try and get to a point where sex can be mutually soothing and relaxing. Trying to keep a good sense of humor and going about that in a way that you can fail and laugh is the key to getting there. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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