# Separating after 20 years of marriage



## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

Where to start. This is very difficult for me right now. I am coming on here for advice or past experiences and what to expect. Me and my wife have been married for 20 years. We have had a very nice marriage where we when on vacations every year and enjoyed going out often to dinner or shows. Our sex life was great and we did it very often. We enjoyed our company and had fun times. Over the past 5 - 6 years we have gone through some very difficult financial situations where we almost lost our house 2 times. During this time money was very tough and at times we were both stressed out and there was arguments. We do have 2 children who are 17 and 15. We are currently in bankruptcy. She has been unhappy in our marriage for a few years and I would assume due to the fact that we were having a difficult time making ends meet. I lost some of my income so that made the situation harder. I believe this was the leading cause and perhaps blaming me. its hard on her when she sees others including family friends doing things all the time and we are on a tight budget. She has been telling me that she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. I asked her why and she has no answer. She says it just happens. I have always given her affection, hugs and kisses since we were married except for the past year because she would get her mad. I have always treated her with respect, never hit her or cheated on her. It just kills me why.

She just told me last week that it will be the best for us to get separated. I love my wife more than anything in life and I have given everything of me to her including my heart and soul. She never wants to talk about any of the problems which keep building up inside her. I will be moving out on 11/1 to my own apartment which is killing me. The other problem is that in order for me to move out is not to pay my mortgage and which we will lose our home later in the future. She is aware of that and is willing to accept the situation and force her to get a apartment of her own and the kids when we lose our home. 

I don't know what to do. Even her mother said that she is making a mistake and we should work things out. I tried that 3 years ago and she said no but she tells me now that maybe we should have. She says we are past working on our marriage but later she says that we need to separate in order to reevaluate or life and she said that getting a divorce is not what she is looking for. She told me she is not looking for someone or wants to be with someone. She is unhappy and wants to be alone.

My friends say to move on and enjoy life at the moment and maybe being away from each other might us back together again down road but you cant sit around waiting for that to happen. There is always a possibility but it is going to kill me not seeing or talking to her everyday unless getting the kids for the weekend or discussing the kids with school. 

I don't know what to do. My friends say is to give her space and she might miss you. they say that I should not call her all the time because this might push her farther away. Just the thought of not being with her or seeing her is making me depressed. 

Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Why are you moving out if she wants the separation?

I know this isn't a pleasant question to hear but do you suspect another man?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

No, She told me yesterday that she needs space. She also confirmed to me that she has never cheated on me. It will be easier for me since I work full time and she works part time and with the kids in school. I don't want the kids to leave their home. I think by being in the home might help in reminding her of me since we have been in this home for 13 years.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

Can you afford the home on your own without any of her money? If so I wouldn't leave. If she knows it will end up with the bank go get her a cheap apartment and let her live in it.

Who knows if you will ever work things out with her but at least you won't crap up your credit in the process.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

confusedinNY said:


> No, She told me yesterday that she needs space. She also confirmed to me that she has never cheated on me. It will be easier for me since I work full time and she works part time and with the kids in school. I don't want the kids to leave their home. I think by being in the home might help in reminding her of me since we have been in this home for 13 years.


Of course she "confirmed" to you she has never cheated. LOL, do you think she would actually be honest about it?

But when she said........



> She has been telling me that she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. I asked her why and she has no answer. She says it just happens.


Well, that's telling us she is. THAT is the number one sign that someone is caught up in an affair.

You need to start snooping and definitely not move out of your house. She's moving you out to have space to be with _him_.

Bet on it.


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## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

Both our credits are crap. We are both in bankruptcy for Credit cards and past mortgage payments.


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## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

well, my mother lives in the side apartment of our home and she will see everything and my sons are there. My youngest will tell me everything.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You moving out is not going to help your situation. Stay where you are. If she wants the separation that badly, let her go.

If you stay in the house is it still going to be taken once the bankruptcy is final?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

I believe her because we have been together for 23 years and have never lied to each other. We have too many common friends for her to get away with it. Plus her mother is on my side and so is her younger sister in which they are very close. My mother will still live in the side apartment and has the ears of a dog. she hears everything.


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## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

No but we can not afford an apartment and house. we are just getting by right now. Bankruptcy last for 5 years and we have 4 years left. I should have never done it and just got rid of the house last year. My lawyer got us a bad deal.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

confusedinNY said:


> I believe her because we have been together for 23 years and have never lied to each other. We have too many common friends for her to get away with it. Plus her mother is on my side and so is her younger sister in which they are very close. My mother will still live in the side apartment and has the ears of a dog. she hears everything.


Go to the CWI forum and see if you don't see some of the exact same red flags there that you have in your life.

Coping with Infidelity

Hey, if I'm wrong, I can assure you that I wouldn't be happier to be wrong.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Ok here's my point the house is the one thing to help you rebuild after the bankruptcy. If to lose the house you have nothing. Why would you move out?
Not to mention if your credit is lousy how are you renting a place? They do credit checks too.

Come on. Right now it doesn't matter what she wants. Think of your financial situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

thanks


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## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

I agree with you. The other issue is that my house is underwater. My lawyer has told me that you can rent a house since renting a house will cost a $1000 less than my mortgage if I ever lost my home. This all new to me I don't want to hurt my kids. I work all day from 8am until 7pm. She is around for them. It is easier. I have expressed my displeasures about the home. Either way something has to give. I am having a very tough time getting by now living in one home.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I understand what you're saying but I want you to look at it this way , are you going to continue to support her once you move out?
Won't she need to go to work full time? 
You cannot enable her. You need to show her what it's going to be like if you separate.
SHE wants this separation. SHE needs to take responsibility for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

You say your mother lives almost in the house and hears everything maybe that is causing it.

Your wife must have given you some reason. If not to you to her mother. I cant believe it just happens.Your finances seem to be in a mess but you say you are still working and so is your wife. I would suggest that you somehow sort them out first. 

Because others are well off I suppose you mean her friends is she perhaps ashamed of you. She seems to blame you for your troubles.

Unless you can make some sense out of it I would go the whole way and divorce. Either your wife comes clean and tells you whats wrong otherwise you will just be wasting your life. Your kids are already older and I suppose you are as well so dont worry about it affecting them.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Confused

I have to agree with the others.

Your wife should leave.

I will tell you a few things about me personally.

I lost my business 3 months after 911.

I lost my 4 largest customers that day.

I have been under the pressure of lawsuits since I closed the company in 2001 to the tune of millions. 

I paid all the taxes off and eventually filed personal bankruptcy three year ago.

My income has declined by 50% and my wife has been only able to find part time work to the tune of about $14k a year.

I have 3 kids all in private school or college.

My wife has never said that she would be better off without me.

We have had our fights. We certainly have had our challenges.

I think you should sit her down and tell her until she can come up with a reason why she does not love you anymore you are not leaving.

I also think you should tell her to leave if she no longer loves you.

Tell her that it takes two to solve these problems. It takes two to support this family.

Maybe its time she got out and found that fulltime position.

My wife did this year and i respect her more for it.

These are tough times. It is time for you to get tough with your wife.

Now show her some tough love. She will not respect you until you do. SHe is looking for greener grass.

She will either make it or not. You cannot nice her. You cannot leave her.
*
If she really feels that way then Let Her Go.*.....

HM64


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## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

I greatly appreciate the advice.

First, my wife and mother get along very well and she said that she will watch her for me. 

My wife is going to work full time but there is not that much out there.

My wife has gone through a lot over the years. 

She had AVM surgery back in 2001. She has had 4 miscarriages and one stillborn.

She had surgery to remove cancer back in 2004.

And yes some of her friends are very well off.


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## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

once I move out she is going to have a very rough time and her mother told me today that she is in for a big rude awaking. She told me to hang in there and see what happens. She doesn't agree with her daughter but she feels that her daughter doesn't have a clue what awaits her. I will support everyone as much as I can and my wife agrees with that. Financially we will have some extra cash when I don't pay the mortgage to get through the situation. My bigger concern is the long run when the bank comes knocking at the door for the house.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

I must say that I dont understand your housing problems and solutions and doubt if you do. I would suggest you discuss it with someone who does and make sure you make the right decisions.

It sounds like you can forget about the house. Do you have any equity in it.

The illnesses you mention would normally make a wife more dependant and not ready to go.

I also think you are being too 'nice' about the separation. If your wife wants it then she should be begging you to help not the other way round.

Otherwise my previous post which you have not yet answered stands.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sounds like a typical midlife crisis. If you add toxic girlfriends into the mix, telling her she would be better off without you, then I'm afraid you are losing an uphill battle. 

Once a woman loses respect for her man it is very hard, nay nearly impossible , to restore it. Don't let her talk you into separation. All that is is free reign for her to date other men and cheat on you. No, file for divorce and have her served. Make it real for her. Right now she is in la la land thinking she's got all the answers. She is in for a rude awakening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Take the leadership position and do what is best for your family. Stay in your home. She is not thinking about what is best for everyone, just what she wants. Why should you move away from your children, and go through uneccessary financial hardship because one person wants to be alone. 

If she wants to be alone let her find an apartment. You stay in the house, your mother can care for kids as a temporary setup. Your wife can come and take them when it is her W/E. She is not privileged to have it her way when she wants out. She has to carry some of the burden here too. 

Start thinking rationally and with forethought, starting now. No more over-spending or wasted money. Start being the leader from this moment on. Start a fiscal revamp by doing the sensible thing, you stay she goes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> I understand what you're saying but I want you to look at it this way , are you going to continue to support her once you move out?
> Won't she need to go to work full time?
> You cannot enable her. You need to show her what it's going to be like if you separate.
> SHE wants this separation. SHE needs to take responsibility for it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Spot on, assuming all is genuine (no affair) there are still consequences. Why should you wear it? Family yes, but don't enable your heartache unnecessarily.


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## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

Thanks everyone for their responds. I greatly appreciated.

Financially we are in a very tough situation. Even if I stay, we would probably lose the home in the future due to lose income of mine.

She thinks that she can find an apartment when they or if they do take the home in the future. It is not that easy. 

I take care of everything at home and now she needs to do it with the kids, school and the everyday maintenance of the home. I get up early each morning and make sure the kids are ready and go out and get lunch for them. I get to work late everyday because of that. She thinks it will be cake walk. Even her sister told her to wake up and smell the roses. There are always consequences for everything we do.


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## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

My house is underwater and I am in bankruptcy. My lawyer has told me you can stay there until the bank comes looking when you stop making payments. In NY, it could be anywhere from 10 months to 18 months. Even then you can work out a arrangement with the bank as a rental if they are willing to do so if they cant get what they are asking. I have looked at all the issues with keeping and or losing the home.


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## confusedinNY (Oct 3, 2013)

Thanks for all the advice yesterday. We talked last night and I am not moving out on 11/1. I said its not fair for me to give up everything and not her. I suggested we talk in out and come up with a different idea. I suggested a short sale on the home and we will be able to move into our own separate places when completed. I felt it was the right thing. With lost of income on my side we were having a tough time maintaining the home. This way we both can afford separate places and see what happens in the future.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

confusedinNY said:


> Thanks for all the advice yesterday. We talked last night and I am not moving out on 11/1. I said its not fair for me to give up everything and not her. I suggested we talk in out and come up with a different idea. I suggested a short sale on the home and we will be able to move into our own separate places when completed. I felt it was the right thing. With lost of income on my side we were having a tough time maintaining the home. This way we both can afford separate places and see what happens in the future.


That's great. Now you're thinking more clearly.

Don't let her railroad you into anything and don't let her guilt you into something you aren't comfortable with.

Now you need to start the 180 and have as little contact as possible under the circumstances.

Keep posting here. There are great people here and you will find they have great advice to share with you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

I couldnt agree more.

Cool heads prevail in your situation.

Wait till you get the attitude that you will be better off without her....


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## 2005tahoe (Aug 23, 2013)

This sounds alot like my story but no kids are involved. We were always current on our bills but the BK took alot out of us.

see "the unmighty dollar  " thread. 

Hang in in there from a brother to another brother. Things will get better, I am 4 months into my separation.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

confusedinNY said:


> My house is underwater and I am in bankruptcy. My lawyer has told me you can stay there until the bank comes looking when you stop making payments. In NY, it could be anywhere from 10 months to 18 months. Even then you can work out a arrangement with the bank as a rental if they are willing to do so if they cant get what they are asking. I have looked at all the issues with keeping and or losing the home.


Here in Phoenix where I live, people going through foreclosure continue living in their houses until the bitter end... up until the bank rep literally comes and tells them to get out. It usually takes 18 months to two years for a bank to sell a foreclosed house. So you have lots of time. 

Banks actually like it when the owners continue living in the houses because they keep them up. They don't let the landscaping die and they keep the drive-by value up. The owners will maintain the house and the bank does not have to dip into their mortgage insurance to cover the costs of fixing derelict houses up or having big landscaping crews come in to cut out the jungle that has grown in.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

confusedinNY said:


> Thanks for all the advice yesterday. We talked last night and I am not moving out on 11/1. I said its not fair for me to give up everything and not her. I suggested we talk in out and come up with a different idea. I suggested a short sale on the home and we will be able to move into our own separate places when completed. I felt it was the right thing. With lost of income on my side we were having a tough time maintaining the home. This way we both can afford separate places and see what happens in the future.


Now you are using your noggin.


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