# Shes still having an emotional affair... me too. Its over



## InstantNoodles (Sep 28, 2009)

Sum it all up. She 'kissed' a guy. I left, she asked me not to come back until she figures out how she feels about me. She still maintains contact with the guy, and a month later I am just done.

We went to a session of marriage counseling, and I just said I honestly don't know where I am as she is still talking to this other man. My wife made it clear to me that she doesn't want to loose me, but she doesn't know if she is in love with me. Seriously, screw that.

I hung out with a woman who's husband cheated on her, and the intentions were innocent enough. After talking for 2 weeks about common interests, how she treated her husband and how I treated my wife, I can honestly say I have never met such a beautiful person inside and out. My relationship & trust of 8 years was broken, and I wondered to myself how could I ever trust an individual like that ever again. Well, this woman has shown me that there are still some out there.

The fact I wasn't in it 100% anymore, I came to the conclusion that we never dated others in high school, and we have just grown apart. We made our marriage work for this long, but we are not right for each other. I told her I wanted the dissolution, and she pleaded shed do anything, and she wanted us to go back and see another counselor. She doesn't know how to live without me, she claims. (I have a feeling she just doesn't want to be alone, if her and this other guy doesn't work)

Should I go back to counseling? Have I blinded myself with a decision because I am having mental block after meeting this other woman?


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

I gaurantee your having a mental block right now. The two of you are all giddy about that rush feeling you get when you meet someone new who has that new car smell. (figuratively speaking)

It doesn't mean that this OW is or isn't right for you but if neither of you truly have crossed that line of a PA then you two should probably really honestly step back from your FA's and sit down with a counselor and figure out what is wrong with your relationship. I bet if you looked back at the beginning stages of your relationship with your wife and she did too, you both would be able to realize that back then you were both probably convinced you were with the right person. Its the fact of the honeymoon stage. Question is for the two of you to figure out if you both want to end up another divorce statistic or not.

And trust me I am extremely against trying to make it work with an adulterous spouse but you two got to figure out if that has happened or not and if either of you are truly willing to go back and work on your marriage. If not, then good luck on the divorce proceedings, their typically very ugly. Hopefully the two of you can be 100% honest with each other as to what all has gone on.


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## InstantNoodles (Sep 28, 2009)

New Beginnings said:


> I gaurantee your having a mental block right now.


You know, before I realized that there were still other women out there- I finally came to a conclusion that I have had mental block for a long while. 'What are we fighting for?' I asked myself. We have little, to nothing in common. She is all about the fashion designer brand, I am all about cheap and comfortable. She wants and takes all now w/o waiting, and she isn't in tune with the real world. I feel relieved, that I dont have to really stand for this, and that if this doesnt work- everything will be just fine.

She verbally abused me unprovoked for almost a year behind my back. Telling her one of 3 friends (who she also talks crap about, which is probably why she doesn't have many) that I have horrible teeth, that I am annoying, that when I am ready to do something so she says 'ugh, I guess I got to go'. She also found it funny and mentioned to her friend that we have two jobs, and she spends all her money shopping, while I am the only one who knows how to save. 

Then after all this, she constantly talks about how she wants a house and kids and shes 22 years old. I took a step back, and thought to myself- Everything is about her. Its always been 'her wedding, her house, her happiness, her kids, her non-willingness to move away from her family for my job.'

If we went to counseling, does anyone honestly think that mentality of a person after 8 years is going to change?

Also, she is still in contact with the other guy. Never lost contact when I asked 'can you at least stop for a few weeks.' after the affair. Sorry, but unacceptable.

Does anyone think counseling would help me? :scratchhead: I honestly would just like to print off the conversation that I read that brought this all to life. Give it to the counselor and ask him, was she really honest with YOU?


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## InstantNoodles (Sep 28, 2009)

edit


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

InstantNoodles said:


> I told her I wanted the dissolution, and she pleaded shed do anything, and she wanted us to go back and see another counselor. She doesn't know how to live without me, she claims.


And she is still in contact with the other man? Talk is cheap, if she would 'do anything' she should have ended it with him when you asked her to. She shouldn't need a counselor to tell her that, she should realize that on her own out of respect for you.


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## InstantNoodles (Sep 28, 2009)

There is one women in particular that posts on my facebook wall, and my wife asks me why 'I dont let her post on this guys wall when this girl posts on mine' (the guy being the one she kissed)

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

..sorry but there is a difference. I've always remained faithful to my wife.

Its not like I dont know they comment on each others stuff in secret & remove the listed activity, and text each other all the time. I think she feels like she has lost control of the situation, and she doesnt know how to take it.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

InstantNoodles said:


> I think she feels like she has lost control of the situation, and she doesnt know how to take it.


Yep, in her ideal world, she keeps you at bay while she continues her 'friendship'...I think the talk of dissolution is a good reality check for her...and if you entertain going back to her at all, make sure she is really ready to step up and you know in your heart 'she gets it' ... otherwise, the roller coaster will continue.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

InstantNoodles said:


> There is one women in particular that posts on my facebook wall, and my wife asks me why 'I dont let her post on this guys wall when this girl posts on mine' (the guy being the one she kissed)


Ummmm, okay and why don't you kiss the girl that posts on yours because she kissed the guy who posts on hers?

silly...she does not get it. she'd rather be right than married right now.


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## youngman (Oct 17, 2009)

Instantnoodles, your story is so similar to mine! My wife went to Vegas a couple of months ago and kissed a Swiss guy and came back under his spell only to go back 3 times to have a PA. Just like yours, she is all about money and designer brands and that is why she was attracted to that idiot. She is in a state of hypertension and changed her looks and now even wants a boob job! They change so much its crazy but I decided to not let her play games with me and I am on the NC. It is hard, I wake up every morning with anxiety and I just don't know what to do. I try to find things to keep me busy and I admit I do wait for her texts but havent received any in 3 days. She blocked her facebook from being found but I googled it "cached" and now i can see her "naughty" pic. I wish i wouldntve done this its like im so obsessed but i want to forget everything. It might be too early but I need a girl friend to talk to maybe.


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

New Beginnings said:


> And trust me I am extremely against trying to make it work with an adulterous spouse.


May I ask why you feel that way?


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

lorithehun said:


> May I ask why you feel that way?


Because my own ex had the exact same text book behavior in her affair. I guess to me I have read so many of these threads and they all seem to play out the same 99% of the time. Person has affair, spouse maybe finds out, they maybe claim to try and want to work it out yet still continue contact with the person from the PA or they continue it with another person down the road. Its like a vicious cycle and almost every single thread here plays out the same. Not to mention my 62 yr old female therapist stated in all her years of counseling, every single case has had the same results. Statements from her below:

A woman typically never leaves a relationship unless they have someone to run to. (reference to what mine did as well, but not a statement towards women in general from me)

The cheating spouse almost always maintains contact with the person they cheated with even if they claim to be trying to reconcile. (also true of my situation)

The cheating spouse will also usually do it one more time with the other person even though they may try to be reconciling. (also true for me)

The cheating spouse will mourn the loss of their former lover like when losing a loved one. (Do I really want to sit there and watch a spouse who cheated also mourn the loss of their lover? Heck no!)

The cheating spouse almost always lies about their actions and cover up their actions, change pw's, chronically lie, literally turn on their spouse, find ways to communicate with the other person, etc. (Why would I or anyone for that matter want to live with someone that displays so much dishonesty and betrayal?)

She had many other things she was right about and she pegged my ex to a T. She knew she was cheating immediately (literally within a couple of days of leaving and I defended my ex's actions, morals, and behaviors for months and months until I got the truth, unfortunately from the OM.

I guess for me cheating is the ultimate betrayal of your marriage and I think its selfish of the cheater. Not to mention that I never signed up for a open marriage. To me a person makes a very conscience decision to take that step and for me it is a deal breaker just as a physical abuser is a deal breaker. Different set of issues but pretty much has the same result to the spouse it happens to.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

InstantNoodles said:


> was she really honest with YOU?


Sadly this is probably what was the worst part of my ex's cheating. She lied to such a degree that I just don't believe anything she says anymore. I even caught her in more lies months after her affair supposedly ended and was in the final stages of the divorce. Not to give away too much info but she lied to a delivery person at her work that she was a volunteer, then said in court she worked part time for low wages, and then finally after it was all finalized she said she was working full time in this highend job. Not that I really care anymore but its just that typical behavior and I have lost complete faith in cheating spouses. I try to temper my comments on threads so I am not too bias but it sure does seem to always play out like a broken record.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

People in general are unlikely to leave unless they have someone to go to... 

I think the fact that these folks don't cut contact with the other person shows that it is more an addiction than love. If they loved the other person they would leave them alone if they were also trying to reconcile. They wouldn't keep them flapping in the breeze while they sorted out which side of the fence they wanted to be on.


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

New Beginnings said:


> I guess for me cheating is the ultimate betrayal of your marriage and I think its selfish of the cheater. Not to mention that I never signed up for a open marriage. To me a person makes a very conscience decision to take that step and for me it is a deal breaker just as a physical abuser is a deal breaker. Different set of issues but pretty much has the same result to the spouse it happens to.


Thanks for responding. 
About the conscience decision: it's nearly incomprehensible to me how that decision is made over and over again in a long-term affair. 
Your therapist sounds like a wise woman. You sound strong, as if your own


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