# Compatibility of marriage partners



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I found this on marriagebuilders.com Choosing the Right One to Marry #2

These are not my words, but I wanted to copy this here to share and discuss: 

While we are on the subject of compatibility, however, there are five criterion that I recommend to those who are looking for a marriage partner. The reason I have picked these five, which are usually not found in most tests of compatibility, is that incompatibility in any of these areas make the Policy of Joint Agreement particularly difficult to implement. As a psychologist, I save marriages by showing spouses how to change their behavior to create a fulfilling marriage. But the categories that I will share with you now are traits that even trained psychologists have great difficulty trying to change. And so when you date, look for compatibility in these areas.

1. Intelligence. You and he should be roughly equivalent in intelligence, within about 15 IQ points. Without having to take an IQ test, you can usually figure that out by comparing grades in school, although men are notorious underachievers in high school. College grades are a better measure of intelligence for both men and women. The quality of your conversation is another good indicator of compatible intelligence. Men who are stimulating to talk to are usually in your league intellectually. But if there is a large gap between you in IQ, both of you will tend to be bored by your conversation. The one with the highest IQ will find the conversation to be superficial, and the one with the lowest IQ won't be able to keep up. There is also a tendency of someone with a higher IQ to disrespect the judgments of the one with the lower IQ, and that's an absolute relationship killer. Respect is essential in marriage regardless of the quality of an opinion. If you both enjoy talking to each other for hours at a time, and you respect each other's ideas, you pass the test.

2. Energy. You should marry someone roughly equivalent to you in energy. If one of you lays around watching TV while the other scurries about and can't sit still, it's probably a bad match. The reason energy is an important determiner of compatibility is that so many of your lifestyle pre-dispositions will depend on your energy. Leisure time activities and sexual interest are particularly sensitive to the amount of energy you have. People high in energy enjoy activities that burn that energy, even after work, while those with low energy levels would find such activities to be exhausting. And regarding sex, the more energy a person has, the more sex he or she tends to need. Since leisure activities and sex are two of the best ways to deposit love units after marriage, incompatibility in these areas can make it very difficult for a couple to stay in love.

3. Social Interest. If one of you is socially outgoing and the other is an introvert, that difference can make the planning of social activities very difficult. The Policy of Joint Agreement dictates that you don't do anything unless you can both agree, and in marriages of extroverts to introverts, their area of mutual social comfort is very narrow. The extrovert will not be able to get to know as many people as he or she would like because the introvert hates meeting new people. And the introvert will be constantly challenged to tread into the terrifying waters of introductions. Yet, I am very much opposed to spouses going their separate ways after marriage (one goes to a party and the other stays home), so the social interest difference require very creative solutions to keep them together yet make their social lives happy for both of them.

4. Cultural Background. Culture determines a host of personal sensitivities. Take Christmas, for example. In the American culture, Christmas is usually a big deal for most people. But imagine growing up in a family where every year Christmas was celebrated with zeal, only to discover after marriage that you cannot celebrate Christmas at all. The Policy of Joint Agreement dictates that you don't do anything unless you can both enthusiastically agree and because the person you married comes from a family that finds Christmas offensive, you do not celebrate it. Even if your spouse were to give you permission to celebrate Christmas, his background will still make such a celebration very uncomfortable to him. From my perspective, The Policy of Joint Agreement would rule Christmas out until a way is found to celebrate it with mutual enthusiasm.

Cultural background does not only dictate sensitivities, but it also dictates certain skills in meeting emotional needs. In some cultures, outward displays of affection are discouraged, and yet you may need that from the person you married. To meet your emotional need, he must not only go against his cultural training, but he must learn to do something that he was never taught.

Sometimes when two people are in love, they feel they can overcome cultural barriers. But that's usually because their relationship has been rather brief. They have not yet had to wrestle with some of the conflicts that culture imposes on them. I counseled one couple who had fallen in love, yet one could only speak Spanish and the other could only speak English. Granted they could eventually learn each other's language, but with that would come a host of cultural differences that might be much more difficult to overcome. Time eventually proved to both of them that their relationship was not meant to be.

5. Values. Moral values usually dictate how we behave. The Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty are moral values that I encourage all married couples to adopt because they create and sustain love. But even when these two important values are agreed to at the time of marriage, conflicts with other moral values can make the creation of a compatible lifestyle very difficult to achieve. Getting back to our Christmas example, it's a cultural difference that makes a spouse unskilled in knowing how to celebrate Christmas. But if you marry an Orthodox Jew, it's more than skill that will be a problem. He will probably be deeply offended by such a celebration. And that offense comes from his moral convictions, not just his cultural background. A discussion of values is always a good idea when on a date, because if you find your values to be very divergent, it will make it difficult for you to agree on a lifestyle that you enthusiastically share.


----------



## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Sometimes you are in sync in all these and it STILL doesn't work (case in point, my marriage).

And 'when and if you'll have kids' should be on this list.


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

My H and I are compatible in #1, 4, and 5. However, #2 Energy and #3 Social Interest reveal 2 glaring incompatibilities. 

#2 Energy. I am a moderate to high energy person. I like to exercise, go hiking, crawl around in caves, play volleyball in the back yard with friends, etc. He used to do these kinds of things when we dated 20 years ago. Since we got married, he's put on 120lbs. Hates exercise, avoids physical exertion as much as possible. Won't even do things that require him to sit on the floor, like playing a game with our son. 

#3 Social Interest. I am by nature a fun-loving person. I enjoy being around other people and having stimulating conversations. I laugh easily. My husband is content to stay home and watch TV and complain that there's nothing on. He'll attend select social functions out of obligation, like my office Christmas party. But generally, his skin crawls when he has to socialize with people. We are always the first ones to leave. When we get home, he complains about what someone said, how much he hates being around a certain person, etc. It's very draining to me.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

We're good with 1,2,3 and 5. 

4 is different for us. HOWEVER, I did teach for 12 years in the area he grew up in, so I have seen that culture (South Central Los Angeles) and understand it.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Ugh. My H and I aren't good matches on ANY of these! I was in denial about the IQ difference for a long time, I thought the energy difference would bring us both "balance," social interest we're closest on, and we compromise by him not always having to join in. Finally, we come from different countries, and I'm Catholic and he's agnostic. And he's not even a thoughtful agnostic, but more of an agnostic by indifference.

I'm beginning to accept that the only way H and I will have successful marriage is by rejecting the currently popular notion of success in marriage and embracing a more tradition, Catholic, duty-centered definition of success. Can I do that and still reject the whole husband-headed marriage idea? Because I think that's bull****.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

We've always looked upon ourselves as very Compatible... minus a few things that is purely nit -picking - on my behalf...... I never heard of this list, so I want to dissect it - with how we are...



> Intelligence...Respect is essential in marriage regardless of the quality of an opinion. If you both enjoy talking to each other for hours at a time, and you respect each other's ideas, you pass the test.


I'd say we are the same...though where he is good at Math ( I suck!)... where I excel in English...he sucks ! 

I am the Social butterfly conversationalist that enjoys various topic books, writing, debate ....where he would be content to fall asleep.... . 

It works because he admires my interests/ gifts, encourages them even.....and he can hold a conversation so long as I engage him. (I'm good for that! )... He doesn't push me away or act like I am bothering him.... he is happy I want his opinion...his advice... If he was a pure isolationalist loner who dissed communicating with me.... I would have grown bored with him a long long time ago.



> Energy Leisure time activities and sexual interest are particularly sensitive to the amount of energy you have... And regarding sex, the more energy a person has, the more sex he or she tends to need. Since leisure activities and sex are two of the best ways to deposit love units after marriage, incompatibility in these areas can make it very difficult for a couple to stay in love.


 Yeah that's true... I will say my husband needs more SLEEP than I do... he feels lousy if he doesn't get his 8 hours.. me, I can be fine on 3 some nights.. He calls me the Energizer bunny. 

But he isn't lazy by any means... a superb worker Bee...If we have a project, we kick butt to get it done...so we can relax & spend leisure time together. And we make







a priority.... sometimes he'll ask me to wake him up in a few hours ...cause he is tired at night...but our romps are very important to both of us... me with more of the energy jumps when he is ready. 



> Social Interest.The extrovert will not be able to get to know as many people as he or she would like because the introvert hates meeting new people. And the introvert will be constantly challenged to tread into the terrifying waters of introductions. Yet, I am very much opposed to spouses going their separate ways after marriage (one goes to a party and the other stays home), so the social interest difference require very creative solutions to keep them together yet make their social lives happy for both of them.


 I am the Extrovert (but secondary Melancholy-which is Introverted- so I am a mix in reality)...My husband is a double whammy Introvert (Phlegmatic/ Melancholy)....who wouldn't mind if he lived in the middle of the woods & never seen a soul outside of our family.... 

But yet...this has never been a problem for us either...... because he's never frowned on anywhere I want to go/ always a good attitude in toe....and lets me yak all I want/ to engage in some boisterous communication with others, or whatever......he just kicks back, listens to us go on...& throws in a Dry humored comment now & then.. where we've been left







....this is where he shines.. He can talk to anyone for hours, if they are more of the talker, that is. His best guy friend has the GIFT of GAP... so this works nicely. 




> Cultural Background


Our culture was the same... we lived a town over from the other, our dads both worked in Transportation, similar blue collar income levels... I can't say either of us fell into any of our parents Traditional ways... we paved our own way together. 



> Values...Moral values usually dictate how we behave. The Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty are moral values that I encourage all married couples to adopt because they create and sustain love. But even when these two important values are agreed to at the time of marriage, conflicts with other moral values can make the creation of a compatible lifestyle very difficult to achieve.


 We were perfectly in sync here from the time we met... we both seemed to view Life...







...Romance...the meaning of Sex...marriage through the same lenses. I was more into Christianity than him... going to church, trying to adhere to beliefs... he never really cared about that, but he lived by the same values taught in the bible - without the dogma attached -which hung me up a lot.... then eventually I joined him.


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

northernlights said:


> Ugh. My H and I aren't good matches on ANY of these! I was in denial about the IQ difference for a long time, I thought the energy difference would bring us both "balance," social interest we're closest on, and we compromise by him not always having to join in. Finally, we come from different countries, and I'm Catholic and he's agnostic. And he's not even a thoughtful agnostic, but more of an agnostic by indifference.
> 
> I'm beginning to accept that the only way H and I will have successful marriage is by rejecting the currently popular notion of success in marriage and *embracing a more tradition, Catholic, duty-centered definition of success. Can I do that and still reject the whole husband-headed marriage idea? Because I think that's bull*****.


If your husband is agnostic & you're Catholic, why would you try to shift your marriage to a Catholic centered one?
And what exactly is a Catholic centered marriage, seeing as I'm Catholic, this is a new one to me.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I can't agree with the author of this piece for a number of reasons. If you've been at TAM a while, you may have seen my link to the five pillars of compatibility, which I think is a much better way of considering one's future mate, because it's unrealistic to use a list like the one below. No couple will match 100%, and how does a potential couple determine how much mismatch is "too much" for a lasting relationship? 

The areas highlighted by this author strike me as a "looking back" viewpoint, not something couples can use in their early days. I'll highlight why I think this in bold in the quoted material: 



Waking up to life said:


> I found this on marriagebuilders.com Choosing the Right One to Marry #2
> 
> These are not my words, but I wanted to copy this here to share and discuss:
> 
> ...


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> If your husband is agnostic & you're Catholic, why would you try to shift your marriage to a Catholic centered one?
> And what exactly is a Catholic centered marriage, seeing as I'm Catholic, this is a new one to me.


I just mean a marriage that places keeping the covenant we made at its center. If I can't love my husband in the romantic sense, I can try to love him in a spiritual sense, as another child of God. It's a shift from an "is this marriage making me happy" frame of mind to an "is this marriage helping to form me into a better Christian" frame of mind. Or, frame of soul maybe.

As far as your first question, it's because he won't engage with me in working on this marriage in any terms. So, I figure that if I'm going to do it all myself, I'll pick terms on which I have any hope of success. It's a pretty desperate plan, I realize that.


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

northernlights said:


> I just mean a marriage that places keeping the covenant we made at its center. *If I can't love my husband in the romantic sense, I can try to love him in a spiritual sense, as another child of God. It's a shift from an "is this marriage making me happy" frame of mind to an "is this marriage helping to form me into a better Christian" frame of mind. Or, frame of soul maybe.*
> As far as your first question, it's because he won't engage with me in working on this marriage in any terms. So, I figure that if I'm going to do it all myself, I'll pick terms on which I have any hope of success. It's a pretty desperate plan, I realize that.


Ouch, so since you can't love your husband in a romantic way, you're using religion as a crutch.
Now I don't know your story, or why you can't love your husband in the way one should in a marriage, but I do know that relying on religion to keep you with someone could be a recipe for disaster.
Oh the resentment, the inability to live up to an ideal, the possibilities for disappointment are too vast to even think about going down that path.
Is divorce not an option for you personally?


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> Ouch, so since you can't love your husband in a romantic way, you're using religion as a crutch.
> Now I don't know your story, or why you can't love your husband in the way one should in a marriage, but I do know that relying on religion to keep you with someone could be a recipe for disaster.
> Oh the resentment, the inability to live up to an ideal, the possibilities for disappointment are too vast to even think about going down that path.
> Is divorce not an option for you personally?


Not using religion as a crutch, just as a different way. The current ideal of marriage is a very new one, don't you think? Marriage in early American and European culture was for a long time more an economic institution than a romantic one, for example. 

Yeah, divorce just isn't an option. It could be in 10 years or so, when the kids are bigger, but not now. 

My situation is complicated, and actually I don't even have a complete grasp of it yet. My husband is in the process of being evaluated for some neurological problems, I guess this has affected my thinking a lot lately. If he has dementia, well, I agreed to be married in sickness and in health. But I will never have the kind of partner I had envisioned when I made my vows. If it's not dementia, and there's hope for us, he'd still have to start making changes, and I'm not going to hold my breath.


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

northernlights said:


> Not using religion as a crutch, just as a different way. The current ideal of marriage is a very new one, don't you think? Marriage in early American and European culture was for a long time more an economic institution than a romantic one, for example.
> 
> Yeah, divorce just isn't an option. It could be in 10 years or so, when the kids are bigger, but not now.
> 
> My situation is complicated, and actually I don't even have a complete grasp of it yet. My husband is in the process of being evaluated for some neurological problems, I guess this has affected my thinking a lot lately. If he has dementia, well, I agreed to be married in sickness and in health. But I will never have the kind of partner I had envisioned when I made my vows. If it's not dementia, and there's hope for us, he'd still have to start making changes, and I'm not going to hold my breath.


Whatever version of marriage you want to apply to your own, make sure your husband is on board, otherwise you're staying for selfish reasons.
You may think you're being selfless, but if this is a decision you made solely on your own, then it's not.
If your feelings have shifted so much, are you really doing yourself or your husband any favors for staying married?
Staying for any reason without fully being committed to him & your marriage is wrong. 
You have children, though I do applaud you thinking of them, they will be able to see through your charade.
Because if you stay out of pity, which is pretty much what you're doing, then you are not only being untruthful to yourself, but your marriage as well.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

One other unmentioned characteristic is if one partner is extremely well-off monetarily and the other is not.

As a "have-not," I listened to STBXW's pleas that her wealth and my lack thereof made no difference to her, that she loved me no matter what. In my heart, it just seemed to be so "aristocracy-bourgouisie" centered, that despite her admonitions, I somehow believed her and came to love her for it.

Now after her adultery and resulting abandonment of me, I feel totally disheartened by those "heartfelt" words of hers; greatly to the point that I would totally fear ever dating or getting close to anyone who had greater monetary resources than I, thinking that all of that ilk simply love their money far more than any person that they would come to utter marital vows to!


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> Because if you stay out of pity, which is pretty much what you're doing, then you are not only being untruthful to yourself, but your marriage as well.


It's not out of pity, it's just the best solution I can see. Divorce could be devastating to the kids. We just put them through a move, it's been stressful. At the very least, I'd want to give them time to recover from this. On top of that, I don't trust my H to take proper care of them (look for my thread about that in family and parenting if you want to be horrified). I can't figure out how else to make sure they have a relationship with him _and _stay safe.

Trust me, I know my plan is a reach. We're going to separate in a few months (the move makes that easy to hide from the kids), and I'm hoping that'll give him the kick in the pants he needs to come on board. Because right now, he's just not doing anything... he's not on board with this plan, but he's not on board with anything except keeping up the status quo.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Re. the Original Post, not bad as general rules of thumb go.


----------



## ChuckCanuck (Dec 15, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> The Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty are moral values...


Where can I see these?


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

My husband and I match really well on all those except for social activity. I'm an extrovert, he's an introvert. I wouldn't say it's caused conflict exactly, but there have been times I've wished he was more outgoing. Not now though, maybe we've both mellowed over the years.

I'd add sexual drive/desire compatibility and mess-tolerance compatibility to the list.

I have no interest in Capitalised Policies in my marriage though. Not necessary.


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

ChuckCanuck said:


> Where can I see these?


The Policy of Joint Agreement

The Policy of Radical Honesty


----------



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Some of you have mentioned a few other things that should be listed as far as compatibility, such as whether or not to have children or how well off financially you are or want to be. If you read the entire article in the link I gave in the OP, you'll see that those types of issues are discussed first. Those type of issues are very important to iron out before you get married. They are less about personality compatibility and more about personal goals, preferences, etc. They are matters which are most likely to cause conflict within a marriage, but can be changed, compromised on, etc. Here's the list from the article:


Ask yourselves these questions:

Do you want to have children, and if so, how many?
What religion do you want for our children?
When our children are disobedient, how will you discipline them?
How do you want to spend our vacations and holidays?
How much money do you expect me to earn? What if I never earned any money?
What kind of house would you like to own? Where would you like to live?
Do you expect me to make love to you whenever you want? If not, would you EVER expect me to make love to you? Would you leave me or have an affair if I never made love to you?
If you don't like one of my friends, would you want me to give up the friendship?
What should our budget priorities be? How will we make financial decisions?
Would you support me financially if I wanted to educate myself for a new career?

Now, back to the 5 areas of compatibility in the OP...these are things that are personality traits which, as the author says, would be difficult to change in a person even by a highly skilled psychologist. We aren't likely to change these traits, so any glaring incompatibility in these areas may cause ongoing conflict within a marriage.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> *Cultural background does not only dictate sensitivities, but it also dictates certain skills in meeting emotional needs. In some cultures, outward displays of affection are discouraged, and yet you may need that from the person you married. To meet your emotional need, he must not only go against his cultural training, but he must learn to do something that he was never taught.*


:iagree:

With us we did pre marital counselling.
But I didn't fully understand at first how cultural differences affect a marriage. 
My wife and I are both from different races , although from the same country. Completely different cultures.

If we didn't manage these cultural differences properly , our marriage would have been hell. Its like two people speaking in a different language to each other, neither understanding what the other is saying.

After some time we simply adapted , and voila! 
Came up with our own " culture ."

But for some couples it can be very triky, and if the relationship is not built on a solid foundation , the differences in culture would affect it negatively. It takes much energy and work. But based on their approach, and tolerance levels,
It can be fun.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

For me, sexual compatibility was so key. SOOOOO Important.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

When I was dating my husband -which spanned 7+ yrs since we met so young... I used to write him these love letters in High School.... asking a ton of questions... I swear I slowly interviewed the hell out of him. 

I bet alot of other guys would have thought... Give it a rest woman ~ leave me alone- I don't want to think that much!! But he never gave me attitude... he invited my questions...and we learned early on - just how well we FIT....the pieces coming together.... 

I swear we talked about EVERYTHING under the sun -*except Sex*....it seemed too taboo /embarrassing for me... If masterbation was mentioned (which it never was).... I would have probably lied....I felt ashamed over that desire. 

We happily knew we loved each others touch....OH MY! But that was as far as our verbal communication went in this very very important area. High drive but inhibited & repressed was I. 




> *Waking up to life said*:
> 
> Do you want to have children, and if so, how many?


we agreed on at least 3 - but the biggest desire of my heart was for a daughter since I Lost my mother in my childhood (not to death but she moved away).. I wanted that experience. He honored what he promised.











> What religion do you want for our children?


 Christian based but not overly strict, shielding children from their own shadow..... people who are overly "righteous" have always bothered / irritated both of us. 



> When our children are disobedient, how will you discipline them?


 Swift consequences, a little tough love -depending......we were not against paddling in the younger years either...as we both were & felt we turned out just fine. 



> How do you want to spend our vacations and holidays?


Together, lavish luxury/ expensive was never a priority ...Just make sure we take them -for memories sake... but keep it within our means.. 



> How much money do you expect me to earn? What if I never earned any money?


 Work Ethic is huge...Dependability, being a Responsible employee who can earn a Living a must...we only expected to live within our means.... while saving for our future dream house/ property ...climbing big ladders of success were not our focus. Just being able to pay our own way. 



> What kind of house would you like to own? Where would you like to live?


 In the country, in the country, in the country...everything else was secondary. . 



> Do you expect me to make love to you whenever you want? If not, would you EVER expect me to make love to you? Would you leave me or have an affair if I never made love to you?


 We didn't discuss this one at all.... but I know if he suddenly stopped desiring me in that way, it would have all tumbled to the ground...I *need *that from my husband, thankfully we never faced this. He did want more sex in the past...and because he DIDN'T talk to me -we did miss each other some. 



> If you don't like one of my friends, would you want me to give up the friendship?


 We both LIKED each others friends -from the get go - never once had an issue here . . 



> What should our budget priorities be?


 How will we make financial decisions? Live within our means... talk about it all together -before we go forth. 



> Would you support me financially if I wanted to educate myself for a new career?


 I never wanted this -nor changed my mind, so was never an issue for us. I choose the Stay at Home Mom venture in life.... no regrets....I know his feelings were -if/when we had kids, he preferred me to be home with them... we were both more Traditional & old fashioned minded -from the beginning.


----------

