# Not looking good and need advice



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

I have posted my situation a few times on this board and vowed that I will fight until the bitter end. The problem is the overall situation and how it's making me feel. I want to fight because I always hear that's it's never too late. I will explain the situation though and hopefully some of you can put me in a better mindset or on a better road. 

My wife pretty much feels it's over. Her feelings are her feelings and they will not change. She says she has no doubts and that us separating is what will make her happy. That being said there's no quick fix that will have us separated tomorrow. With the kids, house situation which would need to be a short sale, and overall responsibilities this limbo can go on for 3-6 months if not longer. 

Wouldn't it make sense to see if we can start over on this relationship? Now I realize you can never really start over but given the situation why not at least try? Maybe it starts with being better friends with each other and then maybe we can go on a date or two. I don't know if I'm being realistic or just grasping at straws but I just don't see the harm.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

Making Sense - 

I am in a very similar situation. Only H and I have no children, and he is the one that wanted out. If you feel like you should keep trying you should. I feel the same way - though you must do it because you want to, not because it will be financially easier.

I've gone through a lot of changes with myself first, and then H and I started talking, and eventually meeting once a week.....It seemed as though things were moving along well. I talked to him about moving back in in a couple of weeks so we can continue to work on us...my H said he'd think about it....he is still on the fence. (long story short H and I fought, no affairs, no addictions, just didn't communicate well). 

I am trying to remind him of good times, as it, for whatever reason, is easier to remember all the bad times. 

Many people along with research I've done says it's best to leave them be for a full 30 days - to work on you, and let them come back to you -- however that just didn't make sense to me. So while I didn't hound my H, I kept in contact, and I worked on myself - truly looked at what I could do better for me, which would in turn help our marrige. Funny how it isn't until someone says they're unhappy that we realize we've been unhappy ourselves, generally with ourselves. 

Do you have an idea of why your W is unhappy and wants to end the marriage?


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> Making Sense -
> 
> I am in a very similar situation. Only H and I have no children, and he is the one that wanted out. If you feel like you should keep trying you should. I feel the same way - though you must do it because you want to, not because it will be financially easier.
> 
> ...



Jenna your last line about happiness is so very true. It wasn't until my wife actually said something that I realized I not only wasn't happy with our situation but I was pretty unhappy with myself as well. I'm feel like I'm making good progress regarding myself which includes some one on one counseling which has helped a lot. 

As for your question regarding my wife she says she had been unhappy and feeling a certain way for a while. We did drift a part to a degree and stopped doing things together. In a nutshell we stopped having fun together. We put too many things in front of our relationship. The kids and both of us working of course take up a lot of time but we took our eye off the ball instead of making each other the priority. I take a lot o the blame for not recognizing and doing something about it sooner.

Fortunately, she was the one who spoke up about things six months ago but unfortunately from that point on I felt like I was involved in a losing battle. We went to counseling but I never felt like things were about us and both of us working on the marriage. It was about her and her feelings and seeing if they would change. 

All that being said I love her to death and feel she's very special. I know she doesn't have those feeling for me right now and doesn't feel like anything can change. My feelings are not because of finances. I just feel that we're in this boat together and for the time being why not be two people who can try finding each other again.


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## OldSchool (Nov 3, 2011)

Suggest marriage counseling, also consider seeing a therapist on your own. I don't know how long you've been in your marriage or whether or not you have kids.

Start working on protecting your assets now, talk to a few lawyers, it's better to know what you might expect to go through if it ends up going to divorce route.

Also this idea you need to fight to the bitter end? Sounds romantic and stoic but it's not. You're not fighting a war for survival here and if your spouse refuses to work things out then it's just a one-sided fight that you will lose, simple as that.







MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> I have posted my situation a few times on this board and vowed that I will fight until the bitter end. The problem is the overall situation and how it's making me feel. I want to fight because I always hear that's it's never too late. I will explain the situation though and hopefully some of you can put me in a better mindset or on a better road.
> 
> My wife pretty much feels it's over. Her feelings are her feelings and they will not change. She says she has no doubts and that us separating is what will make her happy. That being said there's no quick fix that will have us separated tomorrow. With the kids, house situation which would need to be a short sale, and overall responsibilities this limbo can go on for 3-6 months if not longer.
> 
> Wouldn't it make sense to see if we can start over on this relationship? Now I realize you can never really start over but given the situation why not at least try? Maybe it starts with being better friends with each other and then maybe we can go on a date or two. I don't know if I'm being realistic or just grasping at straws but I just don't see the harm.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

One of the hardest things I've learned is that things I thought were "so bad" really weren't bad at all, and accepting my responsibility in the downward spiral of our marriage. Ex - he is a home body - I always wanted to go out - but I really did like being at home too -- I let what others believed our relationship should be take presidence over the relationship itself, if that makes any sense. 

Have you talked to her recently? Have you sat down and asked her "would you like a happy loving marriage" -- something tells me that she will have a hard time saying no, because who wouldn't want that (right?) --- Then move into this is how we can do this. Our relationship is too important to toss by the wayside.

These are items I said to my H, when I mentioned that I wanted to move back home. He agreed that our 10 years (almost 3 married) together is a big thing....but I can tell he is still on the fence - so someone suggestioned I remind him of some of the good things\memories....so that is what I did today.

I hope that your W can see that you are making efforts.....

PS - I saw a post you made about texts -- I text ALLLLLL the time. I hate talking on the phone. Sometimes I would text a guy friend...my husband too to texting female co-workers...sometimes way too much, and he became secretive about it....so I asked him. He said he talked to them about us....I don't believe anything shady was going on, but he thrived on the attention he was getting that I didn't give to him. 

Just my two cents....


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

OldSchool said:


> Suggest marriage counseling, also consider seeing a therapist on your own. I don't know how long you've been in your marriage or whether or not you have kids.
> 
> Start working on protecting your assets now, talk to a few lawyers, it's better to know what you might expect to go through if it ends up going to divorce route.
> 
> Also this idea you need to fight to the bitter end? Sounds romantic and stoic but it's not. You're not fighting a war for survival here and if your spouse refuses to work things out then it's just a one-sided fight that you will lose, simple as that.



Been married ten years and together for 17. I have two girls ages six and four. I have been going to counseling on my own which has helped a lot. I think in our case a little separation might do us some good but a true separation right now would be difficult because of the children. That being said it might be worth the suggestion and us finding a way to work it out. I can certainly stay with my parents for a month if it might help the overall situation. They only live 10-15 minutes away. Who knows it could be good.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

JennaLynne said:


> One of the hardest things I've learned is that things I thought were "so bad" really weren't bad at all, and accepting my responsibility in the downward spiral of our marriage. Ex - he is a home body - I always wanted to go out - but I really did like being at home too -- I let what others believed our relationship should be take presidence over the relationship itself, if that makes any sense.
> 
> Have you talked to her recently? Have you sat down and asked her "would you like a happy loving marriage" -- something tells me that she will have a hard time saying no, because who wouldn't want that (right?) --- Then move into this is how we can do this. Our relationship is too important to toss by the wayside.
> 
> ...



I put a stop to my wife's texting with a guy that lasted about a month and was just way too much. I'm almost 100% sure it was nothing more than an inappropriate relationship but the problem is that usually always leads to an EA and then potentially a PA. I do like some of your suggestions. I know there's nothing guaranteed but it's more than worth it for me to put in the effort.


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## JennaLynne (Sep 13, 2011)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> I know there's nothing guaranteed but it's more than worth it for me to put in the effort.


:iagree: That is just it right there Making Sense.....this is the trouble that I have with my friends and family - they don't understand why I keep trying.....and all I can say is that it's worth it to me, and that I cannot get over the fact that countless other couples have made it through much worse (our situations seem to mirror each other).

Please keep us posted!!


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