# My husband says he hates me.



## mommy143 (May 5, 2013)

Hey So im new here all the responses are greatly appreciated. So basically me and my husband will be married 3 years in less than a month and yesterday out of nowhere he texts me and says he hates me. He says he's unhappy and doesn't know why and there is no way he can trust me again. 
We got married quickly after 5 months and met in the military and we were not allowed to be together but snuck around anyways. We have many great memories and many bad ones as well. Everytime something happens he brings up everything from the past. I never cheated So I dont think he should have no reason to not trust me. 
Oh And im from east coast and hes from west coast and he knows I wanna go back but says he cant start a good life here cause it's all what I want and I wanna move. His mom says ignore him but he goes from being lovey to rude in like seconds. I love him to death and this isnt the first time hes told me he's unhappy. I try to make excuses and say its cause hes gained 60-70 pounds.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

A person doesn't just up and say they hate another person for no reason. Plus that he doesn't trust you. My guess is, either he has done something himself he feels guilty for, and he is projecting it onto you, or he has a mental issue if he is going to change moods like that at a drop of a hat.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

mommy143 said:


> yesterday out of nowhere he texts me and says he hates me. He says he's unhappy and doesn't know why and there is no way he can trust me again.
> Everytime something happens he brings up everything from the past.


Can you tell us a little about the past? This sounds a little like a man who was hurt by something that happened and is having a hard time getting past it. You did say he couldn't trust you AGAIN, again being the key word here. And that every time something happens he brings up the PAST. 

So exactly what happened in the past?


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## mommy143 (May 5, 2013)

Okay so when we were I'm military we weren't allowed to be together and i was a flirt with other people to hide our relationship. .. on Valentine's day weekend he did something real nice for me and i felt we were going great and i could talk to him about anything and i brought up the future and jobs and where we'd eventually live and things blew outta proportion. .. and so he keeps bringing up Valentine's day
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

mommy143 said:


> Okay so when we were I'm military we weren't allowed to be together and i was a flirt with other people to hide our relationship. .. on Valentine's day weekend he did something real nice for me and i felt we were going great and i could talk to him about anything and i brought up the future and jobs and where we'd eventually live and things blew outta proportion. .. and so he keeps bringing up Valentine's day
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He did something nice for you on Valentines Day but keeps bringing that up? Or is it the part where you talked to him about your future and jobs etc? As far as your flirting to hide the relationship, why did you need to hide it to begin with? He didn't understand what you were doing to hide it?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If he's gained that much weight in so short a time, he's likely finding it hard to not hate himself. So, who better to divert the animosity toward than his wife, who loves him?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

mommy143 said:


> [We] will be married 3 years ...and yesterday out of nowhere he texts me and says he hates me. He says he's unhappy and doesn't know why and there is no way he can trust me again.


Mommy, I agree with CallaLily that you may be describing strong traits of a mental disorder. Not having ever met your H, I can't tell you what is wrong with him. What I can say, however, is that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., inability to trust (irrational jealousy) and rapid flips between loving you and hating you -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has.

I therefore suggest you read about BPD traits to see if most sound very familiar. If they do, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. If he does have strong BPD traits, the divorce process likely will get nasty really quick because BPDers are very vindictive when you are leaving them.

As to the warning signs for BPD, an easy place to start reading is my description of them in my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Mommy.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

What branch of service were you in? Did he serve in combat? If yes, has he received any counseling? 

What reasons does he give for being unhappy? (Besides not trusting you...)


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## mommy143 (May 5, 2013)

calla i totally agree with you about the guilty concience. 

trey- thats the thing I have never cheated at one point he said he trusted me but doesnt anymore.. it was because I was in college and the classes were three hours sometime i would come home early because theyd let me out early and he would say I was cheating or doing other things because I was coming home at different times. but aboyt bringing things up from the past I brought up getting better jobs and moving but thats what pissed him off but now hes the one who bring it up. So i dont know its like he always wanna start ****. If anyone should have trust issue it should be me cAUSE HEused to hide his phone and not let me touch it and text other girls callin them baby and hunny and not wearing his ring.. 

hook- Its like he wanna keep me in check and make me feel like **** so im at his level.. i hadda baby and went right back down.

kathy we were in the Marines in a nondeployable unit so PTSD isnt an option. and he says he doesnt know why hes unhappy yet if we stay together he will always be unhappy and i dont understand theres not one thing I wouldnt do for him.. I do everything.. and I keep hoping it will get better.

uptown i read your list its amazing the similiarities i just dont know what to do now I do walk on eggshells and feel like im never good enough and theres nothing i can do.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

mommy143 said:


> Uptown i read your list its amazing the similiarities i just dont know what to do now and feel like ...there's nothing i can do.


Mommy, actually, there is a LOT you can do. 

*As an initial matter,* if you suspect your H has strong BPD traits, I recommend that you NOT tell him. If he is a BPDer, he almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage him to see a good psychologist or psychiatrist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell him.

*Second,* if you think you may stay with him a while, I suggest you stop being an enabler, i.e., stop "walking on eggshells," as you say. Toward that end, it likely will be helpful -- in strengthening your personal boundaries -- to get _Stop Walking on Eggshells_, the best-selling BPD book targeted to abused spouses like you. 

Or, if you decide to get a divorce instead, read _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder._ Both books are written by the same author.

*Third,* I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. 

The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful to you are the "Staying" board, "Leaving" board, and "Parenting after the Split" board.

*Fourth,* while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is article #9 at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. I also recommend Kathy Batesel's article about BPD at Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships.

*Fifth,* I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Given what is at stake, you owe it to yourself to obtain guidance from a professional who is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not those of your H. 

As I've explained in other threads, your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding a possible BPD diagnosis is to NOT have the BPDer along. Therapists are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the name of the disorder.

*Finally*, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping many other members and lurkers.


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