# Let me son enroll on her side of town?



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I just need you guys to help bounce this idea off of...

my son started KG, and right now it looks like this:

days I have him I drop him at daycare, then 40 minutes later or so a school bus will drive by close but one of the daycare teachers would have to walk him alone, and this is tough on the daycare cause my son's the only one and the oldest of almost 30 kids there and since they are open more than 8 hours they have to overlap there employee schedule meaning it is really stressful for them to accommodate this (even though when we enrolled him there they said advertised the fact, so I'm not feeling bad for that part) he goes to KG, has his snack, does activities, then at 11:30 they are dismissed and he gets on the school bus back to daycare, but this time its right to the daycare center but doesn't get there until almost 12:30 and all the other kids have already had lunch and its quiet time. Then I pick him up at end of day. Days his mom drops him off she takes him right to school so its only one bus trip. Plus its expensive here, like $700/mo.

I looked around at all the other solutions I could come up with, but have not found anything that makes it much easier, there is just too much busing, his school doesn't have afternoon daycare for kindergarteners and only a few crumby looking home based ones seem to be willing to accomodate this.

Of course I am lousy at planning these things and knowing the right people, but my ex is marvelous at it - however she was of no help because it all played into her idea of enrolling him into a school on her side of town, one that has daycare and before and after care so only one pick up and drop off, and would only cost $200/mo. Of course her room-mates daughter is also in kindergarten, so she gains that advantage too. It is also setting up a precedent for him to continue his schooling with the same classmates, so basically next year when this problem all goes away (since both schools offer before and after program for grade 1 and up) I will be forever stuck driving clear across town in the heaviest possible rush hour traffic.

I am angry the way she went about this, but really I had my chance to figure something better out and failed. When I argue that I don't like the idea of driving over to her side of town, especially as I have to park and ride the bus downtown to work everyday she gives me the old "but that's what I've had to do for the past year and a half now so its only fair" garbage (no it was her choice to move out, separate and then live on the complete opposite side of town. However, it is actually a good idea, would certainly work better logistically for my son, it means I'm going to be spending close to 3 hours a day driving, catching buses and commuting just to get to my work, where it takes about 1/2 an hour now, but the cost would save me a whole lot, plus my son wouldn't be bounced around all the time.

It is hard to not feel like she thinks she has to play me, because she gets a whole lot more benefit from her proposal than I do, but I think overall it would be a small benefit to me (more travel time but lots more savings) and I think it is a benefit to our son because it would be so much less complicated.

I just needed to write this all out to gage my feelings, it feels like I'm conceeding to her, but I'm trying to determine if I'd actually lose anything about this.

any ideas are welcome.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It sounds like it benefits your son more with your ex's side of town.

Can pickup arrangements me shifted so that you don't have to drive in rush hour traffic?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Corpuswife said:


> It sounds like it benefits your son more with your ex's side of town.
> 
> Can pickup arrangements me shifted so that you don't have to drive in rush hour traffic?


I don't really see how I can escape traffic, I could drop him off at her place earlier in the morning and she could take him as she doesn't have to start work until a little later, I'd still have afternoon rush hour to contend with- it's not that rush hour is so horrible compared to big cities, but it means going from downtown all the way to the southeast edge by bus, then back all the way across town to the northwest edge. But I'd rather not have to rely on dropping him there every morning, prefer to just take him to school, so if the before and after care is decent hours that's what I think I'd do.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If you have joint/shared custody 1/2 and 1/2 I think your son will benefit from being in the same place all day, of course. One thing I would be leery of and certainly communicate concerns about and make plans for are situations where the school closes early due to storms, your son needs to be picked up asap due to illness or other eventuality, and the penalty for late pickup (due to traffic or breakdown or weather delays or transport/bus delays you can't avoid). Your ex should be responsible for picking him up if he's ill since she's closest, also if you have some legitimate delay in picking him up, you should be able to call her and ask her to pick him up for you, without penalty meaning without injuring your reputation as a responsible parent. She needs to formally - in writing - accept the risks involved with having you so far away from his school, without jeopardizing your ability to continue in the 50-50 custody. Of course there are going to be times when you can't get to him as quickly, or are delayed due to traffic. That's something that's expected due to her choice of location. I'd also ask that she incur more of the cost because of the cost to you for travel. Base it on a place that's mid-way, and figure what your cost for that would be, the extra halfway, and deduct that from your cost share. Another alternative would be to have her pick him up 1/2 of your days and drive him to your place or a location that's closer to you. That would work too, and be perfectly fair. You shouldn't have to alone bear the brunt of the extra travel if you two are in it 50-50. IF my kids dad had ever asked me to do that, I would have. But he never did, and he was invariably late picking up and dropping off, and the kids were exhausted from the extra travel and getting to his place without dinner being ready, etc. So in the end I got them during the schoolweek when I asked and he agreed and took them 1 evening a week and then more frequently on the weekends. This MAY be, judging from how my mind was working at the time, what your ex is moving towards...but you never know. I think you might ask about the cost-sharing or the drive-sharing, and formally put in writing about how many times you might expect to be late that she is going to have to pitch in and do the pick up at a moment's notice, and also be responsible for sick pickup due to her proximity, for the benefit of your child's well-being. If she doesn't own and instead rents, you might suggest that she plan to move when the lease is up and offer to cover some of her moving expense so that now that the child is school age, both parents might have better access to him and he not be split between locations so as to accommodate friends and after school activities, noting that it was her who moved locations, whereas you stayed local to where child had lived before. It sounds like she has made a lot of changes and is wanting to avoid the history of those changes just framing things the way they are now. I don't really think that's playing fair at all. So you have to think creatively and make it fair, but also make it for your son's best interests. Which is not really for him to be at mom's all week, with you paying more support and then only seeing him every so often weekends. I know with my kids' dad and the way they felt about time with him, it really was better for them to be here all during the school week. Even on location, he would be late with stuff and disorganized. Not what you want on a school morning, though millions of intact households certainly function that way without any lives being lost over it, lol. But I think it's different with you, and you should take care to cover these eventualities I pointed out and whatever other ones you might think of as a result (wear and tear on your car, extra meals out due to getting home later, lost sleep, bus fares, paying a sitter to go pick him up if you can't and your ex isn't available and it's urgent he be picked up off-schedule, plus don't forget about special events at the school, and how much more work you will miss in order to attend these...) Don't set yourself up to be alienated from your son's life M-F. You are absolutely correct about it setting a precedent.

I guess you could pack up your life and sell your house and change jobs and move to be close to ex. If she's going to be there long-term that might be your best bet logistically. Even though it seems extreme...and not right, you can win by 'losing'.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Wow, HNU, you covered all the bases... this part in particular:



> It sounds like she has made a lot of changes and is wanting to avoid the history of those changes just framing things the way they are now. I don't really think that's playing fair at all. So you have to think creatively and make it fair, but also make it for your son's best interests. Which is not really for him to be at mom's all week, with you paying more support and then only seeing him every so often weekends.


This is exactly why I think I find this unsettling - and she even explicitly came out and said "Would you want him to spend the weeks with me then you can seem him every weekend and, ya know, whenever?" EXCUSE ME! NO I do not want to have less time with my child. (and that is actually the second time she has brought that up. Yeah I want what's best for him, which in fact may be enrolling him in a school that can be one safe place... but clearly she has a motive to make her life easier at the cost of mine, so its hard to protect my own interests when it becomes about our child's interests.

She even wants to switch to a 7-7 schedule, which I suppose is fine, we are currently 5-5-2-2- which hasn't really been a problem from what I can see. So I am constantly trying to figure her angle (and it is surprising to me because she has never been much of a schemer before and I kinda suspect she is being fed some advice from someone who thinks they can teach her how to do better or something). She is saying that it would be better for my son if it were one week each so it wasn't confusing for him, which may or may not be true.

She is in fact renting, and I am still in the home my son has always known, however he seems to have more kids and playmates his age around her place. And down the road, sure I'd move closer to make it work, but I can't expect her to commit so I don't really want to follow her around wherever she fancies. I have a good home and he has already started at a really good school, its just this one year that is the crux, and her weapon to make a lasting move.

I really wish a solution that kept him at his current school, but without having to do all the busing, presented itself, maybe I will call around some more. Or if that fails, I guess working out some other kind of financial trade off seems reasonable, just not sure how I'd work it into an agreement. Her idea is likely in my son's best interest, most certainly benefits her, but I think hinders me in not only my personal time, but the quality time I get to have with my son.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

You cant go wrong when you keep the kiddo in mind. I know what you mean how things seem to be logistically favorable to her, and how that effects your drive, access, time with the kid. I felt the very same way, when my ex lied to me about where she intended on moving with the kid after the marital home was sold (per decree). After Ive bought a home, and have moved in, and lived for a year, she has changed her story and most likely will not be moving into this area. I have no idea what to do, becuase it was all in good faith when I was looking for a house, to include her and what her plans were for where our kid would go to school. The decree says we have to live in the same school district that the kid goes to school, so I was hoping to be pre-emptive going by my ex's plans for where the kid would go, when I was looking for an area to buy the house, and get out of the marital home,,post divorce...

So, here I am in my house, living in an area that the ex will likely NOW not move to... I have no idea what to expect when she starts getting bussed to whatever school she ends up in.

I know what you mean with how the ex seems to tinker with the plans and make sh!t difficult. Its a source of anxiety for me, and maintains a certain level of it for an indefinite period of time.
I guess I didnt hammer everything out in stone as I should have in the decree/agreement. To avoid succumbing to "changes of mind"..

All I can do is roll with it. Most of the effects are temporary and things change regardless of intent or plan. I hope you can find some resolution.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

What a pain, Lon. All that driving is impacting your time with your son, it sounds like. I don't know if I'd move if it were me, unless you are fairly certain she's going to stay where she is. Then again, if it's only a year that this is going to be a problem, I might just tough it out for the year.


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