# Importance of consistency



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is something that has come up from time to time, but after every serious fight the missus and I had... I've noticed I may not be as "firm" as I would have thought. It's one thing to be able to enforce boundaries once pushed to the limit, but that in itself is different to maintaining boundaries consistently.

I've come to realise that my failure in consistency may have tempted the missus to attempt her manipulations as she probably thinks some of my views/opinions/values are not "solid". And whenever I am forced to enforce boundaries, it hurts both of us. Not everyone is accustomed to fast and sudden changes in one's lifestyle.

Yet at the same time, sometimes it's all about compromise, compromise, compromise... yet that doesn't always work as it leads to not being 'solid' enough. What you guys think?


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## Kevan (Mar 28, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> This is something that has come up from time to time, but after every serious fight the missus and I had... I've noticed I may not be as "firm" as I would have thought. It's one thing to be able to enforce boundaries once pushed to the limit, but that in itself is different to maintaining boundaries consistently.
> 
> I've come to realise that my failure in consistency may have tempted the missus to attempt her manipulations as she probably thinks some of my views/opinions/values are not "solid". And whenever I am forced to enforce boundaries, it hurts both of us. Not everyone is accustomed to fast and sudden changes in one's lifestyle.
> 
> Yet at the same time, sometimes it's all about compromise, compromise, compromise... yet that doesn't always work as it leads to not being 'solid' enough. What you guys think?


It sounds as if you might need a new way of thinking, or attitude, to help you maintain consistency in enforcing your boundaries. Some of what BigBadWolf calls "irrational confidence" might help. Or you might take the rational approach and say that even though it feels like it hurts both of you to enforce boundaries, it's like a medicine; it tastes bad at the time, but it's for the eventual benefit of you both.

Compromise is essential in its place, but never at the expense of your self-respect.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

From what you've described in your posts though, I wouldn't really say that you have "boundaries" and "compromises". You give in until you can't any more and then you blow up and draw a line in the sand. Then once you make up, you give in again and again until well...

An effective boundary in a healthy relationship isn't something that generally has to be diligently protected. If you respect yourself in the relationship as much as the other person, it's not really a big deal to be able to advocate for your own interests.

Compromise isn't the same as indulgence or giving in--at least not every time. And it shouldn't add up to someone else thinking that you don't mean what you say or you having to wall yourself in when things have crossed a line.

Maybe think of it this way, like a little kid and bedtime.

As things are now, you're letting this little kid stay up all hours of the night until YOU'RE tired and then getting mad when they're up running around while you're ready to collapse into bed.

Instead, the way it ought to be would be something like bedtime is 8:30, but we can _compromise_ and go to bed at 8:45 after we finish our game. Then we still have a reasonable bedtime, but we don't have to stop in the middle of the fun to accomplish it.

The only boundary that you've enforced with your wife is "enough"....everything else has been a cave-in, not a compromise because she's getting exactly what she wants right up until that line. Then she knows that all she has to do is weather your blow-up and in a little while it'll be back to business as usual. Not a big price to pay, really.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah, I guess I need to improve on this. Thanks for the replies. But the situation is a tad more complicated unfortunately. It's funny really, I wanted a woman who I can't walk all over on and now I'm married to a woman who drives me up the wall. Other stuff such as my need for my little man-cave time or our finances I'm quite firm in but not the sex...

So far the missus has decided to quit circling my fortress looking for a weak point. We're setting new ground rules again, and I have to stick to them too. It's just difficult when the issue in question is nymphomania. The feedback from my mates is "you lucky bastard" "appreciate this, many men wish they had your problems" yet the feedback from her mates is most probably "he's a jerk" "how could he reject you?" "he's so lucky to have you" "he's so unappreciative".

It's even harder especially when the missus does anything for me when it comes to sex, except for one thing: allowing me to walk away without getting attacked. We established boundaries last year, but the reason for this fight began with her silent resentment of me - most probably from everyone who counsels her.

Now I have counselling to deal with the fallout that comes from enforcing this boundary, yet... is this enough?


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