# Is my wife manic-depressive or in a mid life crisis?



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

First time posting on this forum (but I've been on the infidelity forum before). I am currently at a standstill as to if I should proceed with filing for a divorce based on my wife's behavior over the last year. I'll explain the best I can:
1. Met wife in 1998. We hit it off great. She was a "normal" girlfriend with what appeared to be no emotional baggage or issues.
2. Married in 2000. Now have 2 kids, 10 and 5. Around 2008 my wife started having health issues (hypo/hyper thyroid, mild to moderate depression during winter especially). Her mom died around 2006 and it was a major blow to my wife who had unresolved issues with her. Her mom also was a manic-depressive.
3. Wife had a full-blown depression in December 2009. Then on a business trip met OMs and her depression subsided. Wife spent a lot of time chatting online with OM. During this time she also had insomnia and this has gone on almost consistently since then. She hates taking drugs for it because she's groggy the next day. She says she has thoughts racing through her head at night which is why she can't sleep. This is when she mostly chatted with the OM. I think he was manic too by the way. After my suspicions for months, I caught her cheating in October 2010. Admitted she could not stop affair (it's like a drug and our marriage has been a mess for the last several years which was a shock to me, her words). Affair crashed and burned in May 2011. Wife's anxiety and depression returned immediately. Started on medication for depression. Wife could not handle stress at home and stayed with cousin during summer vacation (6 weeks). Returned for a week before telling me she's moving back to find work. 
My wife was excited as she left to live with her cousin. This past year she has admitted that her actions are selfish, but for the first time in her life she's putting herself first. So I wonder if this is a classic, mid life crisis or that she may have manic depression which is not being properly treated. How should I ask if she's seeking help right now without "offending her". I know it's hard from the husband position to suggest getting help again or that she might have a different mental condition. I've taken so many hits to the heart over the last year that my love for her has just about run dry. But I feel guilty pulling the plug if she is manic for example and she's not receiving proper treatment. She told her brother she is waiting for the depression to subside before she knows if divorce is the answer or not. I/We have seen a counselor during this period, but it's been mildly helpful at best (keeping it together and not divorce, but seemed to allow the enabling affair to continue at the time). Sorry for my rambling everyone. Any advice would be helpful!


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> First time posting on this forum (but I've been on the infidelity forum before). I am currently at a standstill as to if I should proceed with filing for a divorce based on my wife's behavior over the last year. I'll explain the best I can:
> 1. Met wife in 1998. We hit it off great. She was a "normal" girlfriend with what appeared to be no emotional baggage or issues.
> 2. Married in 2000. Now have 2 kids, 10 and 5. Around 2008 my wife started having health issues (hypo/hyper thyroid, mild to moderate depression during winter especially). Her mom died around 2006 and it was a major blow to my wife who had unresolved issues with her. Her mom also was a manic-depressive.
> 3. Wife had a full-blown depression in December 2009. Then on a business trip met OMs and her depression subsided. Wife spent a lot of time chatting online with OM. During this time she also had insomnia and this has gone on almost consistently since then. She hates taking drugs for it because she's groggy the next day. She says she has thoughts racing through her head at night which is why she can't sleep. This is when she mostly chatted with the OM. I think he was manic too by the way. After my suspicions for months, I caught her cheating in October 2010. Admitted she could not stop affair (it's like a drug and our marriage has been a mess for the last several years which was a shock to me, her words). Affair crashed and burned in May 2011. Wife's anxiety and depression returned immediately. Started on medication for depression. Wife could not handle stress at home and stayed with cousin during summer vacation (6 weeks). Returned for a week before telling me she's moving back to find work.
> My wife was excited as she left to live with her cousin. This past year she has admitted that her actions are selfish, but for the first time in her life she's putting herself first. So I wonder if this is a classic, mid life crisis or that she may have manic depression which is not being properly treated. How should I ask if she's seeking help right now without "offending her". I know it's hard from the husband position to suggest getting help again or that she might have a different mental condition. I've taken so many hits to the heart over the last year that my love for her has just about run dry. But I feel guilty pulling the plug if she is manic for example and she's not receiving proper treatment. She told her brother she is waiting for the depression to subside before she knows if divorce is the answer or not. I/We have seen a counselor during this period, but it's been mildly helpful at best (keeping it together and not divorce, but seemed to allow the enabling affair to continue at the time). Sorry for my rambling everyone. Any advice would be helpful!


HoustonDad: I've seen your threads. I have two items for you:

1 - Your wife might be BPD. There are some threads that discuss this. 

2 - Whether or not she has BPD, I concur with the posters on your other threads, namely, you should file for divorce and start working on yourself and setting some healthy boundaries as a man. You and your kids deserve better. Your wife set her priorities. You and the kids weren't even somewhere in the middle. She made her choices and you should take a hard look at her actions, as opposed to her words, as the true gage of where her heart is. 

Since she didn't have the gumption to leave you properly, its in your court to get the ball rolling. If she truly does have BPD, unless she is willing to get some real help with this, it won't matter what you do to wait around for her, your kids need you and a stable home more. Your wife needs to prove that she wants her family and you, and living in MN isn't the way to do it.

Protect your kids at ALL costs. They don't need this, neither do you. I feel for you and your kids. I don't envy being in your position. God bless.


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## simplisticbeauty (Sep 3, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> First time posting on this forum (but I've been on the infidelity forum before). I am currently at a standstill as to if I should proceed with filing for a divorce based on my wife's behavior over the last year. I'll explain the best I can:
> 1. Met wife in 1998. We hit it off great. She was a "normal" girlfriend with what appeared to be no emotional baggage or issues.
> 2. Married in 2000. Now have 2 kids, 10 and 5. Around 2008 my wife started having health issues (hypo/hyper thyroid, mild to moderate depression during winter especially). Her mom died around 2006 and it was a major blow to my wife who had unresolved issues with her. Her mom also was a manic-depressive.
> 3. Wife had a full-blown depression in December 2009. Then on a business trip met OMs and her depression subsided. Wife spent a lot of time chatting online with OM. During this time she also had insomnia and this has gone on almost consistently since then. She hates taking drugs for it because she's groggy the next day. She says she has thoughts racing through her head at night which is why she can't sleep. This is when she mostly chatted with the OM. I think he was manic too by the way. After my suspicions for months, I caught her cheating in October 2010. Admitted she could not stop affair (it's like a drug and our marriage has been a mess for the last several years which was a shock to me, her words). Affair crashed and burned in May 2011. Wife's anxiety and depression returned immediately. Started on medication for depression. Wife could not handle stress at home and stayed with cousin during summer vacation (6 weeks). Returned for a week before telling me she's moving back to find work.
> My wife was excited as she left to live with her cousin. This past year she has admitted that her actions are selfish, but for the first time in her life she's putting herself first. So I wonder if this is a classic, mid life crisis or that she may have manic depression which is not being properly treated. How should I ask if she's seeking help right now without "offending her". I know it's hard from the husband position to suggest getting help again or that she might have a different mental condition. I've taken so many hits to the heart over the last year that my love for her has just about run dry. But I feel guilty pulling the plug if she is manic for example and she's not receiving proper treatment. She told her brother she is waiting for the depression to subside before she knows if divorce is the answer or not. I/We have seen a counselor during this period, but it's been mildly helpful at best (keeping it together and not divorce, but seemed to allow the enabling affair to continue at the time). Sorry for my rambling everyone. Any advice would be helpful!





Stay by her side for even just a while longer. Trust me I know it's hard but remember the sayings, Everything in life worthwhile takes time, you have to go through the darkest storms before you can ever get back to the light, and it will rain; it will pour; but it cannot rain forever. You're what she knows and has depended on so long, god or whomever the higher power out there is wouldn't put you through this if there wasn't a lesson and meaning at the end. You have been blessed with many years and a beautiful family, hard times are only expected, it's what tests you both and makes your love stronger in the end. The best thing you could probably do is get her fully examined, and based on what they say just be there for her, if things stay the same for longer than you can take, do what's best for you, don't lose yourself along the way, but remember your not the only one hurting... and women... lol are emotional bubbles that are stretched so tight and hold everything in and at one point just burst. (I am a female) lol


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## simplisticbeauty (Sep 3, 2011)

Dadof3 said:


> HoustonDad: I've seen your threads. I have two items for you:
> 
> 1 - Your wife might be BPD. There are some threads that discuss this.
> 
> ...



when women act like this its not a part of their priority. They can't help this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What ever the case H- she has abandon the kids and I still find that a hard pill to swallow.
The fact that she is not seeking employeement closer to the kids is wrong.

Depression or mid life crisis I know nothing about, but I do have kids, and whats wrong is wrong.

I mean it would be a little difference if she struggled until they were grown then moved away. Even if the both of you splitting she made a choice to move so dam far away.

Sorry man I just don't get it and this ain't helpen you a bit, again sorry.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

As a BPD'er myself, I have not noticed any signs of it in Houstan's thread about his wife. 

I think she is being incredibly selfish. I could never abandon my children. 

I wish you the best of luck through your ordeal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your honest assessment pidge70. And thanks for taking the time to read my posts. I don't see her as borderline, but depression and possible manic depression, hell yes. And she's admitted to her selfishness. It blows my family members away that she has run away from the family. She might be so hard on herself from the guilt due to all the hurt she has caused that she is punishing herself. But I wish she could see what it's doing to us. 
Simplisticbeauty, I've been through and put up with so much over this past year. I've hung in there as long as I could. My approach since D-day based on advice given may not have been the most effective, and I've learned so much since then. But what's most important is that I'm ready to let go because my EFFORT to save our marriage was always there. My wife for the majority of the year was not into saving/working on the marriage and she admitted it so.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I have followed your story just never commented. 

Your wife may not have any disorder or be going through a mid life crisis. She could just have turned into a horribly self-centered/self-absorbed person. 

I do feel for you and your children. Concentrate on yourself and them. Let them know that you can be relied upon to be a stable force in their lives. Your wife's actions are beyond your control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

In all honesty, having followed your other threads, I think you're using this as one more reason to delay action.

The whole issue of maybe she has bipolar or maybe she's having a mid-life crisis....doesn't matter. 

She still has to take responsibility for her choices and her actions. Since she's clearly of sufficient mental capacity to get herself moved across country, etc., then she may not _want_ to make the right choices, but she _can_ make them. Her impulse control might be off, but she could do what she's supposed to.

She might be sick. She might be realizing that she's losing those last tenuous fingerholds on youth. She might be breaking out in purple leopard spots. Your job is to provide the most stable, secure environment that you can for your kids. She is neither stable nor secure if she's picking up and running hither -dither with the wind. 

You have to move forward based on her actions, not suppositions from conversations with other people.

I'd also just throw out there that it would be extremely rare for bipolar symptoms to present themselves this late in life, with no trauma or other triggers. Typical onset of illness is in young adulthood, not mid-life. There would have likely been increasingly severe symptomatic episodes throughout her adult life. At most, I'd imagine that you could request a psych workup prior to unsupervised visitation with the children as a condition of the custody agreement. However, without serious behavioral indications of a need for that in the interest of the health and safety of the children, you're not likely to get it. And it doesn't sound as though she's likely to want that care and be compliant in any treatment plans.

You can think of any number of reasons to put this off one more day, but in the end you're going to have to decide whether to leave your family in limbo until she forces a response to whatever action she decides in the end, or whether to move forward proactively to protect your kids and their future.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Pidge70 & COGypsy- I know that I am trying to explore every possibility as to why my wife has dramatically changed in the last year in regards with her love & care towards me. I realize too that generating these possibilities and excuses is just putting me into further limbo. I've been in Limbo since D-day October 2010. 
I talked to my side of the family for the first time about the specifics of our troubled marriage. Their responses are very similar to what I get on these boards. I know now what I must do. For myself and my kids.


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