# No where else to turn...



## JustaDad (Oct 25, 2010)

This is the first time I've ever turned to a group for help. So please bare with me as I try to give you a little background as to what's going on.

My wife and I have been together now for 6 years. We have a 2 year old boy who is now my greatest motivator in life. My wife is a wonderful person, full of love and kindness towards - everyone else. I've confronted her about this on many occasions and she just says she's not an affectionate person. I've learned to deal with this and never bring this up anymore. 

Now my main issue is my wife's drug use. My wife and have have smoked pot on and off throughout our relationship and I have recently stopped smoking completely. My wife on the other hand has increased her use and has even began to take Xanax. I knew she was abusing these pills when she was younger but never thought she would start up again. Now my problem is not with her taking the Xanax. My issue is that she takes these pills on occasion with Alcohol, and that she does not have a legal prescription from her Dr.

The other night my son was trying to hug her while she could not even lift her arm to hold him at night. This is the straw that broke the camel's back. I confronted her the following day and told her that her behavior was unacceptable and that I was going to confront her "friend", who is supplying these pills for her. Long story short her friend is now upset with my wife, her friend's husband is now fighting with his wife and it's just one huge mess.

My wife is yelling at me telling me that I'm greedy and controlling and that it's my fault that her friend is now having issues with her husband. All I keep telling her is that she needs to do things the right way. Get a prescription, follow your doctor's recommendation for your stress management and try to lead a healthy life for your family's sake.

It's now been about 4 days of her giving me the evil eye and on top of the fact that she isn't very affectionate, I now have to continue to put up with a nasty attitude. I feel like my relationship is nearing its end and now I'm left with another dilemma. I don't want my son around this bull.... I don't know what to do. If I do decide to leave one day I don't think I can leave my son in this situation. 

She's told me many times that if things go bad between us ever that she will fight to keep our son. But I feel like he'd be in a safer place if he stayed with me. Any advice is greatly appreciated...

Justadad


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

no judge is going to give custody to the parent whose using.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Sorry for your situation - it reminds me of my Mom actually. She started out a boozer but then when she had shoulder surgery she got hooked on Norcos. Anti-dep's and pain killers are tough to give up! My Mom will strangely be ultra sweet and bubbly with everyone she crosses paths with except those close to her. I believe it's part selfishness and part comfort: she knows she doesn't have to save face in front of those close to her because they will always be there. So she becomes emotionally lazy & takes her frustrations out on close fam members while being butt kissingly nice to aquaintances. Sound familiar? 
She lacks respect for you guys and she is being a little selfish & self indulgent because you're all basically enablers by tolerating her bs. In reality she's likely depressed and probably using the pills as a crutch. The pills cause crazy mood swings as you know so you've got to get her to take charge of her body again and stop eneabling behavior by practicing some tough love. I don't know your relationship dynamics but can you give her a serious mega pep talk about how shes bbeautiful & strong & doesn't need this crap? does she shut you out? are you mr nag (understandable by all BUT her)? what have you tried thus far?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustaDad (Oct 25, 2010)

lovelieswithin said:


> I don't know your relationship dynamics but can you give her a serious mega pep talk about how shes bbeautiful & strong & doesn't need this crap? does she shut you out? are you mr nag (understandable by all BUT her)? what have you tried thus far?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 My wife is the kind of person who feels she doesn't need anyone...she's extremely hardheaded and confrontational. Her father is verbally abusive with her mother and any hint of a disagreement she'll throw the line "My mom put up with bull**** from my father but I don't need a man in my life telling me what to do or what not to do"

I've tried the pep talk, I've even gone completely nuts trying to get through to her. We've been through therapy -oh btw she got pissed at the therapist and decided not to continue to go because she didn't like what he was telling her.

She just tells me I don't understand what it's like to have anxiety problems. It always comes back to the same place. She'll tell me I have control issues and that it always has to be my way. For some reason she just doesn't see that my way is the way that I see our family would be safe.

I've even tried to trust her at managing her "meds" but she ends up drinking alcohol with them. Not all the time but enough times to piss me off.

She told me the other day that I could leave if I wanted to...but that's not what I want. I want to be with her and our son.

I don't think a trail separation would work in my case since she'll let hell freeze over before she'll let me take our son away for any period of time. I know she would never do anything to our son intentionally but I don't trust her druggie friends and I don't trust her watching after our son being messed up. This is really draining...and to think that in just a few more hours I'll be home being treated like crap once again.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Your wife is an addict and her words and anger are being displaced on you. It won't end until she recovers. You need to get her into a program if you want to have any chance with your relationship. I completely agree with you that you shouldn't and can't continue to live like this. I would recommend an intervention with clear ultimatums that you are willing and able to follow through with. Don't live in this kind of hell for another day.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

JustaDad said:


> My wife is the kind of person who feels she doesn't need anyone...she's extremely hardheaded and confrontational. Her father is verbally abusive with her mother and any hint of a disagreement she'll throw the line "My mom put up with bull**** from my father but I don't need a man in my life telling me what to do or what not to do"
> 
> I've tried the pep talk, I've even gone completely nuts trying to get through to her. We've been through therapy -oh btw she got pissed at the therapist and decided not to continue to go because she didn't like what he was telling her.
> 
> ...


It sounds like you're afraid of her.

There will be no way to keep your sanity until that is no longer the case.

I'd start individual counseling as soon as you can. Work on it until you identify the source of your fear. Once you do that, it will be much easier to see what exactly you should do.


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## Dadeo (Oct 2, 2010)

Substance abuse can have absolutly no positive ending. In order for anything to be healed between the two of you, the drug use needs to end. i know this sounds a little harsh, but as long as that is still in the picture there is no possible way to discuss a relationship or it effect on children.


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## JustaDad (Oct 25, 2010)

Conrad said:


> It sounds like you're afraid of her.
> 
> There will be no way to keep your sanity until that is no longer the case.
> 
> I'd start individual counseling as soon as you can. Work on it until you identify the source of your fear. Once you do that, it will be much easier to see what exactly you should do.


Funny that you suggest that...I made an appointment this afternoon for just myself. As for being afraid of her that's really not the case. It's more of just me not wanting to deal with her nasty attitude at times. I tend to avoid conflict with her as it just doesn't go anywhere productive.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

JustaDad said:


> Funny that you suggest that...I made an appointment this afternoon for just myself. As for being afraid of her that's really not the case. It's more of just me not wanting to deal with her nasty attitude at times. I tend to avoid conflict with her as it just doesn't go anywhere productive.


I used to think the same thing.

I've learned it's the only way to get anywhere productive.

But, you have to know why you're in conflict and to keep your eye on the ball.

Wolf and MEM will tell you that men get respect that keep their cool under fire. If she's able to crawl up under your fingernails in this way, you've already lost.

"Keeping the Peace" may simply mean "Being left in peace" - or in "pieces".

I'm sure that's not what you want.

I didn't want that either.


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## JustaDad (Oct 25, 2010)

Dadeo said:


> Substance abuse can have absolutly no positive ending. In order for anything to be healed between the two of you, the drug use needs to end. i know this sounds a little harsh, but as long as that is still in the picture there is no possible way to discuss a relationship or it effect on children.


I only smoked pot after my son was asleep at night...my wife on the other hand just likes to be messed up throughout the day. As for how often she's taking Xanax I honestly have no clue. The only time I can tell is if she's mixed with alcohol. Really what's actually convinced me to stop smoking was seeing her messed up all the time. It actually killed it for me.


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## JustaDad (Oct 25, 2010)

Conrad said:


> I used to think the same thing.
> 
> I've learned it's the only way to get anywhere productive.
> 
> ...


I confronted her 4 days ago with how I feel about this issue and I even made suggestions for her to seek help...I'm still the bad guy in this equation. I called her doctor's office and tried to see if I could make an appointment for her. But I really need to voice my concerns to her doctor as well. I don't know if they'll listen to me but I have to try.

I've been picking up the house the last few nights and at the same time I've been getting my stuff organized just in case there's a fallout. I just really don't want to leave my son if this does occur.


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## JustaDad (Oct 25, 2010)

I officially think I'm going nuts. Her disregard for my feelings has left me feeling empty. I'm just trying to provide a positive environment for our family and she just mocks me. I checked her text messages last night (I know I'm invading her privacy but I'm concerned for the safety of my son and our marriage) and saw a text she sent her "friend" saying she doesn't care about what I like or don't like. People say "seek and you shall find" but damn that just hurts. Why I am even trying to be with someone who just upright doesn't care? I love her with...but her behavior is just killing me inside.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

Have you told her you may consider divorce? She seems to have total disregard for your feelings so it's probably not likely she will change or try to do anything to meet your needs. Very sad situation, but it sounds like you are the only one trying to save anything.


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## JustaDad (Oct 25, 2010)

It sure does feel like I am the only one trying. I had an epiphany last night while I was dozing off. Basically it boils down to this. "I can only control myself." As much as I want to try to make things right by showing her shortcomings, I cannot change her. I'm sure once she sees I'm taking charge of my own faults she'll probably get a clue. I've been a little distant with her lately doing my own thing. I'll leave my phone charging at home or I'll be very dry talking to her throughout the day. She's now seeing that I'm truly hurting. It's up to her to change.

I am extremely hard headed with the Divorce conversation. I've always promised myself the day I mention divorce to her it'd be the day I'm handing her the papers myself. And the reason I'm like this is because I always make my feelings known. If I'm unhappy I'll tell you. If something bothers me I'll tell you. So she'll never be able to say oh man I never knew we had an issue.

Another thing I wont do is trial separations. I'm the kind of person that once I cut from a relationship there's no turning back.


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## workin' (Jun 3, 2010)

It would be interesting to hear what your therapist suggests. Xanax is highly addictive. Mixed with alcohol...can be deadly as well as dangerous for those in the care of the addict. What would you advise any woman in a situation, where the husband is addicted, a very small child is involved, and all help is refused? 

Do not even consider leaving your child with her. She is incapable of caring for him while she is "using" and you cannot even be sure when that is.

Addiction is an illness. It seems like she is at a point where she cannot control it. YOU certainly cannot control it. She is, in all probability, incapable of changing, as long as she is controlled by her drugs. Of course, you ARE the bad guy. You want to take her drugs away. You want her to be a responsible adult and Mother. 

Her doctor is able to hear what you have to say, about her condition, needs, etc. They may even be obligated-I'm not sure. What HE cannot do(HIPAA), is speak back to you, about her medical issues. If she won't go to the office, making an appointment is a waste of time. 

Consider Nar-Anon:Nar-Anon Home

A thought...if this continues...WOULD you leave her? She should know that. See what the therapist suggests. If you truly want to save your marriage, you need to be prepared to do, or say, whatever is necessary, regardless of past promises, or "the kind of person" you are.

BTW...you are not JUST a Dad...you are your Son's Father! Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.


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## JustaDad (Oct 25, 2010)

We had a small argument this morning. Great way to start the day let me tell ya. 

Let me give you some details which has led up to this.

My wife recently got a promotion within the organization she works in. We used to be pretty close in proximity and often have lunch together. Since she's move to her new job she's had lunch with her "friend" many times. This "friend" works a little further than where I work. She's had lunch with me once! Oh and probably the only reason she did have lunch with me was that her "friend" was on leave that day. She'll go out of her way for this girl. But for me, nada! 

I'm fed up with all the BS. I've been working until 11pm for the past three nights. Last night she called while I was working to ask if I took any of her pills. This just pissed me off instantly. I didn't fight with her or anything I just told her I had been looking through her stuff but I have not taken anything away from her. I said that would be up to her to throw her stuff away not me. I told her the only reason I have been looking through her stuff is because I'm seeing a destructive pattern and I'm trying to assess how bad the situation is getting.

This morning, she told me that she will be going to her "friend's" house after work. I responded by saying uhh huh, then she asked if I had a problem with that. Wrong choice of words by her. I didn't make a big fuss and told her we need to have a serious conversation. She asked about what...and I told her, about life and where we're heading in our relationship. So she insisted on me telling her what my issue was.

Here is a breakdown of what I told her:

My issue is I don't like your friend and how your putting more importance on your friend than on your husband.
I don't like the fact that when you go to your friends house you end up smoking pot then drinking and driving.
I don't like the fact that you're being supplied with Xanax when you go to this friends house.
She responded that she's trying to be supportive of her friend since her friend is getting separated from her husband....This is where I told her she needs to take care of us before we end up getting separated.
She had the fu..... balls to tell me that she has a husband that treats her like ****. I mean wtf man. I never treat her like ****. If I do get an attitude it's because of the same **** over and over. Which have roots in the Bad friends and drug/alcohol use. That's it. If she'd take care of those two things I'd never "nag" her. I don't ***** about cleaning, sex, laundry, cooking, parenting...nothing! And I'm the one who treats her like ****.

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm venting but I am. Being here and actually writing my thoughts have help me get more focused.

I practically do everything for our son...while she's living it up. 
I wake him up in the mornings...(parents you know how much fun it is to wake up a 2 year old at 6:30 in the morning). I get him changed and dressed. I prepare his diaper bag and lunch bag the previous night. I drop him off at the sitter's house....I pick him up from the sitter's house. I feed him dinner. I get him showered. I get him dressed for bed. Oh and when she can't get him to listen to her she'll tell me to handle our son. And she says she does more for him than I do....ummm okay. When! I just walked you through my whole daily routine and there was no mommy doing any kind of work here with our son. I do need to give credit where credit's deserved, She's been picking him up from the sitter's house this past month though since the AC in my car is broken (We live in Miami, it's hot). I have a feeling things are going to start to get real ugly now. She's let the cat out of the bag and this cat is pissed. All these years I've been with her I've been the kind, supportive husband always trying to keep her happy (spoiled). I've helped her every step of the way while she's been going to school all these years to get her master's degree. Poor her, the one who's always mistreated by her husband.


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## workin' (Jun 3, 2010)

I could be wrong but, it seems to me that you have not so much been kind and supportive...as enabling. AND she is still told that SHE needs to make the decisions, yet she is making the wrong choices. 

I would suggest both of you get into therapy. If she won't go...you go. You need professional help, in dealing with her addiction. You cannot do it, and she obviously can't. If you really, really want to save your marriage...that's what I would do. You need to make some tough, but concrete decisions, and stick to them.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

First-see a lawyer and consider all legal options.
Then, rent a U-Haul, put all of her stuff into it and park it in "friends" driveway. Tell her she can come back when she straightens up.


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## JustaDad (Oct 25, 2010)

:scratchhead:This was an interesting weekend. I've been depressed, angry, lonely, confused, and hopeful.:scratchhead:

Talk about an emotional rollercoaster to the fullest. My wife woke me up on Saturday morning and had me read a letter she wrote. Basically saying that she knows she hasn't been treating me like a husband should be treated. She even gave me the oldie but goodie....it's not you it's me, kinda message. How she sees me as more of a friend than anything else and how a separation might be needed to see what we should do.

I cried but didn't fight back in anyway. She asked for my feedback but I couldn't talk to her. I waited about an hour before I could begin to speak my mind to her. I told her that I love her dearly but if she felt the way she had explained in the letter then a separation is needed. We had a halloween party to go to and I told her I was not going. I let her know if she wanted to go she was more than welcomed to go and I would stay home with our son. 

I took advantage and took our son out that night and enjoyed my time with him immensely. I couldn't sleep thinking about her and if she were okay. I didn't hear from her until 10:30am on Sunday. She got home about 11am but I was out at the park with our son. When I got home she told me that she made a mistake and that she does love me and that she needs help. She's agreed to go to therapy and try to get medical help for her anxiety. 

I feel like a changed person though after all this. I can't see her in the same manner as before and I don't know what to think of it. I do love her but she's left doubt in my mind as to where I truly stand. How can you tell someone I don't love you to then telling them - just kidding, I do. I'm not a switch to be turned on/off, on/off as someone pleases. Love me don't love me love me don't love me.

I truly want to work it out but I still feel defensive. She told me to trust her but she's never shown me I could trust her. I told her I would try but she needs to build that trust. I need to know that if you're not by my side that you'd be able to control yourself and realize that you have a small child and husband that you mean the world to. Counciling went well for me this weekend. He's made me realize I'm more worried about everyone else's happiness than my own. It's time for me now, lets see how she reacts to the changes I'm already seeing in me.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

Just wanted to check in and see how things are going. Has anything gotten any better or have you seen the therapist yet? Many people do become nasty and uncaring while they are using, but have a different attitude when sober/not high. Does her attitude or mood change at the times she is sober or is she high most of the time?


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## JustaDad (Oct 25, 2010)

Trooper said:


> Just wanted to check in and see how things are going. Has anything gotten any better or have you seen the therapist yet? Many people do become nasty and uncaring while they are using, but have a different attitude when sober/not high. Does her attitude or mood change at the times she is sober or is she high most of the time?


Things are still weird. By weird I mean, I just don't know where we are in this relationship. She's an overall cool person with very drastic mood changes. Since we've had the big fight she's been using less. Thank GOD. Therapy went well for me. I feel like I still have a while before I feel like my old self again.

She pissed me off last night cause she went to her "friend's house". I mean come on keep adding insult to injury. She got home a little after 10pm. She asked me if I were upset and I told her no in a manner where she could tell that I was bothered a bit.

I wanted to have sex last night and she told me she was tired. Well crap I'm tired too but I wanted to feel that closeness from her. Some makeup sex would have been nice. She tells me she loves me and that she wants to work things out but she continues to make all the wrong moves to make me a happy husband. Good thing I'm a very patient person or I would have packed my **** up and left by now. Lets see what happens. I'll keep you posted.


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## luvintokyo (May 10, 2010)

You have to do this for your son not for you or her, having worked in the medical field for 20yrs + I can tell you without a doubt that she is addicted. Exposing your son to the mums addiction is the worst thing you can do for him. She has chosen to do this, if you dont take a step by LEAVING, she will never stop and she might venture into harder drugs. It will be a disaster if your son witnesses his mum hurting herself. Xanax and alcohol mixture can kill. You were right in exposing her friend, if the authorities find out what is going on you will loose custody of your child. Most addicts are "NICE PEOPLE'


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## JustaDad (Oct 25, 2010)

It's time to pack my **** and go. She's typically pretty busy at work and can't talk much so I sent her an email asking if she was okay and letting her know that's she's sending me mixed signals by telling me she wants to work things out, but then at the same time she's very cold and distant. Well, she wrote back telling me that she's not being fair. That she only said she wanted to work things out because she didn't want to leave the father of her son. That she doesn't want to hurt me anymore but the love is just not there.

I told her I'd leave since I don't want to force her to be around someone she doesn't love. I let her know a few things I'd like to take and she agreed. So far this transition seems to be heading in a positive manner. I made it very clear that our son comes first. So here we are...preparing for what's inevitable. I spoke with an attorney last night for some advise. And I let him know I want this to be as fair as possible for both parties.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

JustaDad have you spoken to a lawyer? From what I understand, by leaving the domicile, there is a certain assumed abandonment of both said domicile and your child. Do not leave the residence until you speak to a lawyer.


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## workin' (Jun 3, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Do not leave the residence until you speak to a lawyer.


Don't leave your Son, either.


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## JustaDad (Oct 25, 2010)

Hello everyone...thank you for your comments. I haven't been around the forum for a while cause everything has just gotten really out of hand. My wife has completely started ignoring me, treating me like crap, and her attitude just plain sucks. She's been getting home late every night. She tells me that she wants me to have our son every Wednesdays and every other weekend. :rofl: She's on some serious stuff if she expects me to accept those terms. I suggested shared custody on a 4/3 schedule that rotates. She had a fit. Calling me an assh***, and that a child should be with his mother more than his father. I am completely against this and I told her I am willing to fight this one out in court if necessary. I practically do everything for our son on a daily basis and she thinks I'm going to just give him up. I don't think so. I feel a nasty fight is coming soon.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Get her to agree to a seperation, and get it in writing!


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