# Close to Divorce



## TheStoryofMyMarriage (Aug 28, 2010)

Hello this is my first post here, I have read a few threads and such and would really like some advice on my situation.

I have been married for four months, about a week after I got married my wife found out that I had been looking at porn for about six months of our relationship. Naturally she was upset, and I hadn't really thought of the consequences of my actions. Me and my wife had even watched porn together during that period, her problem was me doing it without her knowledge.

She claims that it is worse than cheating, and that for her it would be easier if I had had a one night stand with some girl. She also says that if she had a choice and knew of the porn before she married me she would still marry me.

The problem comes is that now she is unable to trust me in anything, I would almost say her distrust is pathological. Me and my wife have always fought since we met, however it has gotten far worse. I don't believe a day goes by without us fighting.

Since she found out that I lied to her it has become increasingly difficult for me it seems to get worse not better. The more I cave in or miss little things the worse she gets. It's like a gate has opened up that allows my wife to clamp down on almost anything that she disliked about the relationship but had no reason to change.

For instance I received a reward at work, I was given two free drinks with my reward. I felt obligated to have these with my colleagues. Me and my wife had made a small promise that we wouldn't drink without each other. I thought that she would understand I was in an award celebration and that they were honoring the work I and my colleagues had done. And that in this rare case it would be OK.

When I saw her later that day it was one of the worse fights we have had. Incredibly bad. Seeing her face when she smelled my breath I reacted defensively at her first telling her I had only a few sips. It seemed very important to her how many I had, I got angry after she pressured me telling her why did it matter how many drinks I had.

I then left her, to be on my own to calm down. She calls me tells me her leg is bleeding and that she is really scared and should she call an ambulance. And why did I do this to her? I must have almost been hit by five cars before I got a taxi to get to her. She was lying. Her explanation of the matter was that she could do it to and much better than me, but see how I she doesn't lie to me?

I am still stunned by this. It gets worse. About a week later she texts me asking me if she can have a beer with her boss. I was very busy at the time and was unable to answer her. So she had two drinks with her boss without my permission but this was OK because she asked.

I didn't press this matter because I in all honesty I don't see the harm. I don't want to fight over such small matters but it also seemed very unfair to me at the time. I told her as much, she told me I was right.

Then a few days later my boss bought me a glass of champagne for a job well done that night on a big event like a once in a year thing, after her boss did the same for her I figured it would be OK for me. She said that she called and someone told her I wasn't there, and I smelled of alcohol when I came home how did she know I was at work?

I can understand this somewhat so I told her to call my bosses. All three of them could confirm my story and she could get it from them separately so they could not confer. Her answer here was to belittle me asking me why I thought I was so important for her to spend so much effort.

Now she feels that I drink at work and I am irresponsible. She wants me to quit my job. There are things that I can understand I did drink without asking her I did break a promise, however its the scope of actions my wife keeps taking that I cannot stand.

Now before every shift she asks if I am going to drink? or if I'm even going to work.

Another problem going back is my phone. I had watched porn on my iphone, I sold it to show her that I meant to change and stop watching porn. Which I have done by the way, and I plan on never watching again after seeing how much it hurt her even if we don't stay together.

Before I sold it she protested telling me how much I loved the phone and it wasn't necessary but I was determined to make amends. Now she says that I simply sold the phone so I could get a new one. So what do I do anything I try to do to show her I am trustworthy gets tossed aside. Any mistakes I make are held against me for ages.

I had wanted another smartphone because I like them they do more things. She won't let me because the screens are too big, and she beleives that if I have a small phone I won't be able to see the girls in the phone. This just makes me feel like no progress has been made. How is she going to trust me if she thinks like this?

I mean isn't trusting someone doing it in spite of the evidence? If she wants me to have a cheap phone so the screen is small because she thinks when I watch porn it will be bad quality how is that conducive to us moving on. However I settled for the cheapest pay as you go phone, to make her happy. Even though I think it's a mistake.

I haven't been the best with this as it frustrates me at times. So I complain to her why she hasn't gotten over it already. I know this is wrong but I find it unbearable that she doesn't trust me when I feel I have only given her one reason to distrust me when she has given me loads.

She was engaged when we met, she never told me. She told me she couldn't get pregnant. She did. A note about this, I don't like to talk about it because there were complications and we lost the baby. Not that I would have cared I love my wife deeply and would have welcomed any child we received. 

Moving on I even found a guide of how to have an affair without getting caught on her phone. Yet, thought I feel stupid about it, I still don't feel like she's cheating.

She has requested in female hints that I text her consistently every few hours so that she can know where I am. This has become a burden to me but I try to do what she wishes. Sometimes she has me take take pictures of where I am on my crappy phone to send them to her.

I do this. Now the phone is broken and I am paying for that because she cannot keep in contact for me. She makes outrageous demands to use company property to email her etc. when I am not even allowed to use such systems at my work and it is closely monitored.

Another thing I did was tried to reduce the time we spent apart so that she could see me more be more assured that I wasn't doing anything that she didn't like. I started walking her to work every morning she starts at 6 am, even after I did 3 am closing shifts. Suffice to say it made her happy but again the action she took was to demand that I do it every day.

Add the fact that I have to spend half and hour walking to her work, then home, then to my work, then back again every single day. It was exhausting, then she also demanded that we had sex every single day.

This demand was tied in with the porn, as she felt that since I had been watching porn without her she wasn't satisfying me. I can see her logic however I told her this wasn't the case. So I tried, as hard as I could to do this as well. However with all the other physical strains I just couldn't keep up. My jobs requires me to be on my feet all day long, I'm running everywhere.

I'm losing loads of weight, I'm developing a nice tight one pack from all the sex were having. And I'm suffering from severe sleep deprivation. It wouldn't be half bad if she would stop complaining.

Not only that but I would stay at her work where she could see me every second that I could spare. Nothing helps this has only caused problems because I could not maintain this kind of behavior I started falling asleep when we were talking at night which led to fights. At her work, which embarrassed her.

On top of all this I would clean the house, everything except the laundry which she would do. However recently she has start slacking on this and I have been having to do it.

There are more problems but I feel that I have ranted enough for now. My main question is how do I get her to trust me again? She breaks my trust all the time but I still trust her. It's a rule for her and a rule for me I feel.

I have told her all this as well. When I do she shuts down saying I don't respect her feelings and that I am mean and cruel. She won't listen and it causes the fights to get worse.

She is also removing everything I love under the guise of this mistrust issue. I liked playing games, now she won't me have them because she doesn't trust me to play them responsibly and not waste more time. I like smart phones, nope can't have them screens to big easier to see porn. I liked to have a drink about once a week sometimes a month, nope can't have you lied to me about having a drink at work.

As sad as it is those few things plus her were the only things that make me happy. I feel that I am pretty easy to please. However these small things I like are forbidden now.

So tell me I am being unreasonable or not? Does she get full reign of our life because I screwed up? Should I just put up with this until she changes? What if she doesn't?

Thanks for taking the time to read this.


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## TheStoryofMyMarriage (Aug 28, 2010)

Well I guess no one has any answer's but I like to talk to empty space so I will just write what else is happening. Things in my marriage have taken a strange turn. My wife has kind of let up on certain things. However there is still the background aura of mistrust which is constant and confusing me.

It never changes and I am not allowed to talk about it. Yet at the same time if there is something wrong I am not allowed to hold that in. I feel like everything I do is wrong, even the most simple basic thing. She tells me I have no common sense. She tells me that I don't show her I love her.

For instance when I come home from work yesterday, I had just finished a twelve hour shift. I was exhausted because before that shift we had had sex that morning and I had run after our new kitten (which she bought on her own even after I asked her for us to do it together). I had even got up early and spent an hour walking her to work and heading back home. Suffice to say by the time I got back home after work I was dead, I had only had one meal. A half plate of rice and curry.

I didn't go straight to her to greet her. She yelled at me for this. Then we had to sit down and have a talk.

The fact that I was tired just angered her, she said I didn't care enough to stay awake. That I didn't care enough to have sex with her. That sex is a serious problem, that I don't please her. Then she complained asking that if would be ok for her to masturbate because I was not taking care of her needs.

I told her that I didn't really understand that she did everything without my permission that she watched movies at cinema on her own without asking me. It would hurt her a lot if I went to a movie without her. Why did she need permission for this? Was it not to feel guilty? I told her that like everything else if she wanted to she could but she would not have my blessing.

We ahd sex that night then went to sleep. First thing in the morning she complained about it, but behind a joke. I asked her if she was actually joking or complaining. However I get hte sense that she understood that I wouldn't like it to be actually complaining so I believe she lied to me. We had sex that morning she said it wasn't that good that I wasn't into it so she didn't feel into it.

I feel embarrassed talking about our sex life but my wife has become extremely demanding here. It used to be enjoyable and fun. Now it's a chore that I dread having to face at times. Our sex lasts a minimum of half an hour. It is because my wife cannot achieve anything in any less time and like a good partner I learned my wives needs or at least I tried to the best of my ability. Yet even fulfilling these needs acheives nothing she is horny again within hours. So reaching climax does nthign she will still eventually complain as I will either not be horny enough to have sex and tired of doing nothing else except having sex all day or will simply be two tired physically because she just lays there while I do everything. Ironically she refuses to go on top because she says she gets too tired.

I feel like I am not only fitter and more in shape since we first met so I am much better at sex the problem is that now her demands have become outrageous I can be having sex with her for at least 15 to 20 mins consistently not stopping and when I get tired and stop she gets angry with me visibly now. It's added a new strange dynamic and disconnection to sex that I now need to maintain a certain pace pressure and rhythm for a set amount of time. Like I'm trying to solve her mathematical formula for orgasms.

There are loads of other small issues that are just a bit too personal for me to share. Suffice to say I feel like a failure in bed and everywhere else due to the way she complains about everything.

I just feel that she is extremely selfish. For instance she still expects me to walk her to work all the time. Now we have a kitten and I have to leave it in the house on its own for ages its not fair to the animal. Not only that but I can't even tell her how I feel she's already set up verbal traps that I am aware of. I just know her too well now to fall for them.

Or perhaps they are deliberately obvious to shut me up I don't know. If I try to bring up the cat and say we should get rid of it because we can't take care of it. She will cry that she can't do nice things for me, just like her parents never let her keep an animal.

If I try to explain that I said before hand that I wanted to do it at the right time and that I appreciated the surprise of a kitten, even though I feel like screaming at her that she refuses to listen to me, it will just turn into a fight that again she can't do anything nice for me.

She even asks me as if I want to keep the cat as if I can answer her truthfully. I feel like its just a game a game for her to see how far she can push me how far my love with stretch. I feel broken with her and though I care about her deeply I am beginning to notice other girls now that I didn't before. I am starting to long for something better.

First I don't want to be treated like this anymore. Second I don't want to feel like this. I feel like I am betraying my vow, I am not religous but I did make a vow to make her happy. She made the same for me and she is not doing it. I am so miserable and unhappy. I get nothing that I want.

She knows what i want she just refuses to do it, she does stuff she wants fo rme and claims that she does things for me.

Today I considered just asking her for a divorce, but the effort involved with going down that road, I am just not ready to go through.

Now I have a great day ahead of me. I had wanted to have breakfast and since we share and account and at the mmoment only have one card for charges. I asked her for it, saying I could grab breakfast than drop the card off at her work for her to have it later before I head to work.

Her response was "Oh so you don't trust me with the card anymore." I am just so sick and tired of this. What am I suppose to say? I mean the response shows that one she isn't listening to me and two her distrust of me is making her think I distrust her.

Now she is breaking rules in the relationship which we had since the beggining. She is going out with guy freinds and telling them about our personal life. This was a cardinal rule for us because my wife said that this was the path to cheating. Allowing someone into your personal relationship, so that they can try to get in between. So i have remained independant bar my wife never making to close a relationsihp at work for her. Now she does it. It's just enough is enough.

I talk to her nothing happens. At what point do I stop feeling guilty for my mistakes? Is a 100 days to soon? 200 days? A year? Two?

Thanks to whoever reads this.


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

The one advise I can give you is: Don't have kids until you figure out which way your marriage is going. 

About the other issues, I am of the opinion that a marriage must be balanced. You have to fill her needs, but she has to fill yours too. It seems to me that you are doing all the bending, to make sure she is ok, etc. What was your big mistake? Having a drink without telling her? To me it sounds quite insignificant.

It seems to me that she is demanding and demanding and you are complying and complying.

From your posts it seems that your wife has serious trust issues and seems very controlling. And could benefit from some counseling. You say you love her deeply, in which case marriage counseling may help your marriage.

There seem to be a lot of issues described in your posts,but, IMHO, if you "balance" your marriage, start communicating with each other, and she starts taking your feelings, your well being in consideration, the other issues will solve themselves out.

Having said all that, and keeping in mind that I'm struggling trying to keep my marriage together, if I were in your shoes, without kids, I would sit down with my wife and set clear boundaries on what I can or cannot do, explain to her why some of her requests are unreasonable, try to understand why she is making all these requests. And most importantly I would figure out if we can fix these issues in a way that works for both of us. If not, this would be the time to move on, and not wait 10 years and 2 kids later before realizing that forever is a very long time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Now that you have told us what you do for your wife, know tell us what your wife does for you.
Is it safe to say that the post won't nearly be as long as your 1st post?
It sounds to me that she wants to own you and you should move out untill she decides to correct that behavior.
If repairs are made early enough SHE may beable to fix the marriage.


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