# spouse better friend?



## changingmale (Aug 19, 2018)

Just wondering if you and your spouse have a better relationship now that you are divorce then you did married or during the bad times of the marriage? Are kids involved (young)? I had a uncle who divorced then remarried wife then divorced again. My wife says she wants to be friends later on after heal etc or at least civil and maybe fwb but who knows. So if you are friends not fwb how long did it take and do you do things together as go to events etc. Yes we have kids early teens. Was there ever talk about getting back together? thanks


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I would not be able to be friends or friends with benefits with either of my two exes. Could they? Maybe, and I do not know while I do not care. In essence, I want it all or I want nothing. It is black and white thinking in the extreme. However, if I were the type of man that could be friends or fwb, I would make new fwb and not be concerned about the exes, anyway. Once told I am not good enough for them, and having it proven through a divorce proceeding, after being told I was the best thing that happened to them through a marriage ceremony, why in hell would they want me? That's severely messed up, on their part, not mine. I won't have anything to do with it. 

It would be more fun to learn about someone new and leave them(exes) in the dust where they belong, to live and discover someone better than me. If they can't, then maybe they made a mistake? That's their problem. 

If she wants you back for fwb and friends, then she can find none better. Why not offer yourself to other women who might actually appreciate you? She will never, and it will rip you apart inside, knowing you will never be good enough for her, yet good enough to be used as a play thing or a tool for whatever her need might be. Maybe you will end up helping her in many areas where most strong men would not? 

I see nothing good in it.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

At this point you have got to stop making it harder for yourself. I don't want you to hold your thoughts inside or not speak up but from the last post I remember about wanting to talk to her in person and what went with that just screams of how much you cannot let her go and I get that. I was there but you are grasping onto anything at this point that gives you hope for the 2 of you to be together again.

I can't remember if there was cheating involved or not here but when there isn't it makes it easier to potentially be friends in the future after both parties have healed, I see nothing wrong with that. But it's not something you should be thinking about now because that is so far down the line because of the amount of healing that needs to be done and the resentment that needs to go away. 

Friends with Benefits, ugh ... that's going to incredibly make matters worse for you, a constant cycle of putting your emotions on spin cycle ... no, just no.

At this point, you need to be civil and to the point. Continue to improve upon yourself for yourself. The more you think about wanting to be with her and what it will take, the more you will hold yourself back from self growth and actually improving. 

In short, stop thinking about what the future looks like with her and work amicably and with integrity on the divorce with her and go out and show the world what you are made of but with actions, not with words and wishes.


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## changingmale (Aug 19, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> I would not be able to be friends or friends with benefits with either of my two exes. Could they? Maybe, and I do not know while I do not care. In essence, I want it all or I want nothing. It is black and white thinking in the extreme. However, if I were the type of man that could be friends or fwb, I would make new fwb and not be concerned about the exes, anyway. Once told I am not good enough for them, and having it proven through a divorce proceeding, after being told I was the best thing that happened to them through a marriage ceremony, why in hell would they want me? That's severely messed up, on their part, not mine. I won't have anything to do with it.
> 
> It would be more fun to learn about someone new and leave them(exes) in the dust where they belong, to live and discover someone better than me. If they can't, then maybe they made a mistake? That's their problem.
> 
> ...


I have heard of married couples get a divorce and after the divorce they are closure for some reason and maybe even fwb. We have kids so i can understand about being friendly and maybe even friends so when we have to be around each other and talk it will not have any tenseness there in a event like kids stuff


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

changingmale said:


> I have heard of married couples get a divorce and after the divorce they are closure for some reason and maybe even fwb. We have kids si i can understand about being friendly and maybe even friends so when we have to be around each other and talk it will not have any tenseness there in a event like kids stuff


You are not in the state of mind to be FWB with her or even be friends for that matter, at this point. Your are grasping onto every little bit of hope. If you love your STBX, you gotta stop this way of thinking. Be nice to her but respect her boundaries. You are going to push her further away with your current thinking and conduct. 

It's hard dude, I get it, I do but I cannot stress enough how you need to stop this way of thinking and do anything you can do improve yourself quietly and let her be, aside from working with her on the kids and legal process.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

changingmale said:


> I have heard of married couples get a divorce and after the divorce they are closure for some reason and maybe even fwb. We have kids si i can understand about being friendly and maybe even friends so when we have to be around each other and talk it will not have any tenseness there in a event like kids stuff


Strong willed men who have many mistresses while believing they are using their exes might be able to be fwb. It would be more of a kind of revenge on the other men in her life, as if they were the AP when married. 

Listen, it surely is possible to be quite civil with an ex for a short time, while beloved children are present, for their sakes. It's quite another thing to say you will not feel anything at events. That takes some change in the psyche and life of the harmed spouse. 

Do me a favor. Remember that my opinions are mine. I do not control you. You may live as you please. What I have said is what is right for me, at this time. I doubt I will ever change. I do not even want to associate with friends or family of my exes, nor anyone I met while we were together... EVER! That's how deeply seeded my feelings truly are concerning what they did. 

YMMV(your mileage may vary). Simply because no two humans are the same.


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## changingmale (Aug 19, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> You are not in the state of mind to be FWB with her or even be friends for that matter, at this point. Your are grasping onto every little bit of hope. If you love your STBX, you gotta stop this way of thinking. Be nice to her but respect her boundaries. You are going to push her further away with your current thinking and conduct.
> 
> It's hard dude, I get it, I do but I cannot stress enough how you need to stop this way of thinking and do anything you can do improve yourself quietly and let her be, aside from working with her on the kids and legal process.


I am not hoping to get back together, I was just asking if anyone here has become better/closure friends with there spouse after the divorce. Again i have heard of people say they are better off as best friends than married. Nothing more nothing less


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

If you truly want here back, go get healed. Leave her alone. Find some women to date. Make a life for yourself. Learn to live, love life, and love yourself again. Become a new man. You will always hold those good traits within yourself. You won't completely lose yourself. You will become a better man. Maybe you will become one who turns her head? Maybe... but once a woman makes up her mind, she will only change it backward when she believes she has no other choice. 

Remember, she is not in love with you and right now, what you feel is not love. It is pity for yourself. It could be false guilt or real guilt. It is sorrow. It is grief. Go read the five stages of grief and how to move through them more quickly. It may help. See a counselor, please. You are depressed. That is normal.

Find out who you are, what you want, and what you will never accept. Be that man and you will find your former wife, or better yet, a woman who is much better. You will live a happier life, even if it is not the life you wished you could have. It will be better than this, right now. 

Do not allow yourself to continue believing you a ****. You aren't. You are worth much more. First, before you can even think of winning her back, if you can call that winning, you must believe this. Go to counseling. Read an learn. Date and be rejected. Accept rejection and learn from it through dating. Then, you might be ready for marriage. These are not things you must do at the same time, as in all at once, immediately. They are things you need to work on, one at a time. Once you have accomplished them as well as you can, you may want to move to the next. 

When you are done, you will be better than you ever thought possible, but you need guidance to even start them. Get some couseling, please.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

changingmale said:


> I am not hoping to get back together, I was just asking if anyone here has become better/closure friends with there spouse after the divorce. Again i have heard of people say they are better off as best friends than married. Nothing more nothing less


I would refer you to my first post, then. Please excuse the misinterpretations of your intentions.


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## changingmale (Aug 19, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> If you truly want here back, go get healed. Leave her alone. Find some women to date. Make a life for yourself. Learn to live, love life, and love yourself again. Become a new man. You will always hold those good traits within yourself. You won't completely lose yourself. You will become a better man. Maybe you will become one who turns her head? Maybe... but once a woman makes up her mind, she will only change it backward when she believes she has no other choice.
> 
> Remember, she is not in love with you and right now, what you feel is not love. It is pity for yourself. It could be false guilt or real guilt. It is sorrow. It is grief. Go read the five stages of grief and how to move through them more quickly. It may help. See a counselor, please. You are depressed. That is normal.
> 
> ...


I think she still loves me and cares about me and i do her. But she said it is over so nothing i can do but pray and i have been and will. I have seen a counselor and will keep seeing the person. No i am not depressed, I have been told just last week i look better than i had. I just asked this question with no hope for us to get back together just a question. I am sure i know someone who would date me right now but that would be a big mistake. I have to heal and get things in order etc. Sorry i asked this question


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

changingmale said:


> I think she still loves me and cares about me and i do her. But she said it is over so nothing i can do but pray and i have been and will. I have seen a counselor and will keep seeing the person. No i am not depressed, I have been told just last week i look better than i had. I just asked this question with no hope for us to get back together just a question. I am sure i know someone who would date me right now but that would be a big mistake. I have to heal and get things in order etc. Sorry i asked this question


Aw hell man, I didn't mean to give you a hard time. I truly thought, by the questions in the post, you really do love her and want her back. Yes, here, I see you do. Oh, well. 

I go back to what I said about avoiding placing yourself in that kind of arrangement, when you love her. In truth, those bonding chemicals and pleasure chemicals released during sex are normal and we get addicted to them. It is natural and what is required to take care of a mate with a child, or find ourselves extinct. Well, that's prehistory, but I believe it is something we may not lose for many years and after a great deal of social evolution. No laws can force those natural reactions to cease, or the feelings associated, including the reactions and actions they induce. 

Glad you are and will be in counseling. Your counselor needs to know these things so you can talk. Being civil with your ex around the children is most important. You already know that. Not sure what you are asking from anyone. I think you've gotten some good opinions. It's up to you, now. I'm sure there will be more opinions. Maybe their presentations will be more satisfactory. 

Take care and no harm was meant.


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## changingmale (Aug 19, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> Aw hell man, I didn't mean to give you a hard time. I truly thought, by the questions in the post, you really do love her and want her back. Yes, here, I see you do. Oh, well.
> 
> I go back to what I said about avoiding placing yourself in that kind of arrangement, when you love her. In truth, those bonding chemicals and pleasure chemicals released during sex are normal and we get addicted to them. It is natural and what is required to take care of a mate with a child, or find ourselves extinct. Well, that's prehistory, but I believe it is something we may not lose for many years and after a great deal of social evolution. No laws can force those natural reactions to cease, or the feelings associated, including the reactions and actions they induce.
> 
> ...


No problem. I just asked what to me was a simple question. Maybe i should not put in fwb. Yes i love my wife and yes i do want to get back with my family i do not see anything wrong with that. Yes we had/have problems and i am willing to work and change them and i am doing what i can to change. You may had a bad marriage or break up or whatever i am sorry and dont know what happened with it. All i know is how i feel and i am sure she still loves me. Why she is doing this i am not sure. If we are able get back together i would not move back that day or weekend. I would want to see each other and talk as much as can,see a counselor alone and together and talk about what needs to be worked on etc. Again just asking what i thought was a simple question. Have a good labor day


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I project much less than you think. Most folks will bury what I've posted, in an effort to keep their marriage in tact. What you asked was answered, but you refuse it. That's fine. Just don't turn around and discuss what you think my issues are in a thread where you ask simple questions unless you are willing to consider the truth of other's experiences. You might word it(opening post) in such a way that you do not want to hear any negatives, but only denial and encouragement toward your personal goals. 

No one is going to feel as you do, so you likely will not find, even completely supportive answers, acceptable. When you finally realize what you got were supportive answers, you will be better prepared to reconcile.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

changingmale said:


> I am not hoping to get back together, I was just asking if anyone here has become better/closure friends with there spouse after the divorce. Again i have heard of people say they are better off as best friends than married. Nothing more nothing less


I believe to be friends one would have to be liked and respected.

Without that?

I am kind... anything more would not be mindful and hold my growth back.

You have stated you do not want to get back together and then you said you did... I believe you do and are hoping that the idea of staying friends will plant the seeds of reconciliation in her heart.

You won't control that and if you have not let go well, her first date will floor you.

It's hard not to let a stir of echos create an illusion...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I am friendly with my ex, but it took many years. 

And I wouldn't say we're friends.....we don't communicate outside of our boys, but when we do no tension and it's quite friendly. 

But it wasn't possible years ago..... you need separation and healing time.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Please leave the poor woman alone.....sheesh


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You have been very cryptic with all of these threads you keep starting. You have not mentioned WHY your wife wants a divorce, or discussed any of the real issues between the two of you. You just keep asking questions about being friends, getting along, asking her mother, etc.... all of which really cant be answered unless we have all the info, honestly. Because depending on what made this all come about, you may just be out of luck here. How about sharing some actual info?


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