# My husband might not love me anymore.



## Amphytrion

It's a long story, but I'll only include what I think is necessary.

My husband and I have known each other for almost 10 years, been a couple for something over 9, living together for almost 4, and married for almost 2. We have always been very close and very much each others' best friend. I am also close with his family, as I have very little of my own and they are wonderful people. My grandparents are still alive, but I don't see them often, and my parents died years ago (Dad in 2003, Mom in 2004). Most of the people I call family are friends who have been there for me for a long time. My husband is at the top of that list, and has been since before we were married.

We usually are told how well we compliment each other. I am very outgoing and enjoy meeting people, making friends, etc. He is more shy and, while he enjoys time in a group, is not as likely to instigate it or be the first one to talk to someone new. These differences have helped us because we tend to balance each other out in social situations We also have similar senses of humor, like many of the same games, music, movies, and television shows, and all of the stuff you could really want from someone. We have typical arguments, but have never fought much.

We moved in together when we both moved to Cleveland in 2005. At first there was some of the rocky stuff that goes with having a new roommate, but as we worked out a routine, everything ironed out and we enjoyed each others' company. We still do. In the spring of 2006 we got engaged and managed to plan a wonderful wedding for spring of 2007. Following the wedding, we have had a lot of time together living as usual. We always made time for dates and spending time alone as well as with our friends. We have an understanding of our specific duties that we have not only to each other but also just to keep our lives in order: cleaning, shopping, laundry, etc. All in all, things continued on pace for what seemed like what you always hear is normal. 

This past summer, we decided to buy a house, and were able to do that; we took possession of the house in very late August of 2008, did all the painting we wanted to do and got moved in during September. Immediately following the purchase of the house, it was troublesome for us to work out exactly what our new financial situation was going to feel like. We had to adjust a little, and this did give him (especially) some trouble. He has, in the past, worried over money because he's always been afraid of messing up or getting too into debt. As it is, we do not have a large amount of debt outside of the house and the cars. We do carry some credit card debt, but nothing that couldn't be paid down immediately if it needed to be. 

In the recent months since our settling in, though, he has gone through several phases of discontent. At first, he stressed out a lot about the money, and then it wasn't money but what he described as a feeling that the work would never end, and then both of those were gone. He then complained of feeling like he had no friends outside of the ones we share here or the few he still talks to from his hometown. When we have talked about this, he also seems unhappy because he feels that he has no hobbies. I mostly just listen, but have at times suggested that he ought to go out with some of our guy friends on guys' nights, which he likes doing, or that maybe he should think about things he's been interested in in the past and try to get involved. For example, he has said that he wants to take a creative writing class; I told him he maybe should try that, but he "doesn't feel like it." 

A few days ago, he admitted to me that he is at least pretty sure that he no longer loves me in a romantic way. He was very careful to tell me that he still loves me very much and that I am still his best, closest friend and he never wants to lose me from his life, but that he doesn't think he feels that way for me anymore. My first question was if there was someone else, but he says there isn't and I believe him. I asked what brought him to this conclusion, and he said that he's been thinking about it for at least a month, feeling like before he was too distracted with other issues about the new house or finances or whatever to realize what it was, but that he feels like those things are fine now and this is all that is left. 

While I am not really interested in devaluing his feelings or saying he is just wrong, there are some things that make me doubtful about how right he might be in this case. First, there are a lot of things going on in our lives right now. The last six months have been primarily about getting a new house, and we are still dealing with that, even if the money part is over. He says that's not it, but then he'll complain about it later. Two, we were warned in November that his grandmother was probably going to die very soon. She has been sick for a long time, and it was never unexpected, but still. She did, in fact, die two nights ago. He seems all right, but concerned for his mother. He's never been one to be openly emotional about things like this, so there's no telling what is going on underneath just yet, if anything. Third, and most worrisome, is that he has been increasingly isolationist. He has always valued his personal time, especially when he comes home from work. It's never been a problem, but lately he doesn't want to go anywhere, doesn't want to do anything even with friends. He will, but it's either like pulling teeth or like he doesn't care. He is perfectly happy to wake up at 5, go to work, come home at 5, check his email, then watch television until he goes to bed. He also doesn't eat as much as he used to, which was never a lot, but now he'll say he isn't hungry for dinner and just have a couple of apple slices or something. We still spend time together and enjoy it, but this new thing is hanging over us both, and even taking my own very wounded feelings out of consideration, I'm worried about him. I asked him what he thought would be better if he wasn't with me anymore, and he admitted that he thought it would probably be worse, that he'd be lonely and retreat to the internet or television or something. I don't have a degree in psychotherapy, but I'm not an idiot, and I know that a lot of what I've mentioned here and some other observances are things that can point to chronic depression. The biggest thing is his disinterest and inability to find joy in things that used to please him, and I don't just mean in me. He also has always been narrow minded about thinking some things. He will mull something over in his head without any outside influences and make up his mind, but never consider all of the options because he thinks in a lot of blacks and whites. This isn't always a big deal, but for something as complicated as a relationship, I feel like it is.

It's only been a few days, and we have talked about trying to work on things. He agreed that he might like to talk to someone (a psychologist or psychiatrist), and he is at least willing to consider couples counseling in the future. He isn't asking for a definitive finish line, but worries about beating a dead horse. I told him that I want to try until there aren't any viable options left, and if all of that happens and nothing changes, I'll be the first person to say it's time to break up. He still holds me and we still have sex. We laugh and have a good time doing whatever, but, like I said, there's still this thing.

But it's killing me. The thought of not having him in my life as my husband is more painful than I could ever have imagined. I realize that it is possible that this is it, even with work, but it's like I can't even imagine how my life is going to be without him in it. It isn't even just the not having him around. I honestly don't know what I'll do or where I'll go. I do have a solid network of friends, but I don't want to rely on them too much, and I have limited resources of my own because I'm still in school. I know and he has made it clear that he never wants to hurt me or make my life hard, but he can't fix everything. I don't even know what he means.

He has committed to trying, and for now I need to be happy with that. We talk a little about what the difference is in how we love each other, but it doesn't make me feel better. I know the information is important, and knowing how he's thinking and feeling is important, but it's so hard to hear. The thing is, if it really is the case that he doesn't love me, I think he has a really strange idea of what is love. When he talks about it, it's almost like he's talking about not having puppy love, which I haven't had since I was 14.

I'm just babbling now, so I'll stop, but I'd really appreciate any insight anyone has. I'm so scared, and so sad.

Thanks.


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## swedish

I am sorry to hear you are going through this, but really glad he is open to counseling. Hopefully, he will be able to work through what is making hiim feel so 'off'. Have you heard of the book 'The 5 Love Languages' by Chapman? If not, you may want to pick it up...it explains in pretty clear terms puppy love vs. the deeper love and might enlighten him on the whole 'love' thing but also might give you some insight on what makes him feel loved.


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## Amphytrion

Thanks, swedish. I have not heard of that book, but I'll pick it up. It sounds like something I should read, and maybe he'll try it out, too. I really appreciate the words of support and your advice.


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## MarkTwain

Amphytrion-

Your hubby sounds depressed for sure. Love is not limited to any one person. When you're out of love with the world, it's hard to still love a wife. The love tap is either in the on position or the off position, or somewhere in between, and everyone in the situation gets to feel it - you, his friends, even his workmates.

As for what you can do... have you asked him what things you can do that make him feel loved? You might have to ask him several times, and be prepared for him to speak in riddles.


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## voivod

MarkTwain said:


> Love is not limited to any one person. When you're out of love with the world, it's hard to still love a wife. The love tap is either in the on position or the off position, or somewhere in between, and everyone in the situation gets to feel it - you his friends, even his workmates.


that is a profound, wise statement mark twain. very. nice work!


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## jonnydee

Sounds like depression to me. Painful for you no matter what. It's hard for him to love you or anything--food, sex, life--when he's depressed. Dunno. Therapy first. Then drugs, if needed. Sorry for your pain.


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## Amphytrion

Update.

It's been almost two weeks, I guess. We are living our life day by day, and most of the days have been all right. His mom called me to ask if I'd like a few things of his grandmother's who died a couple weeks ago, and I couldn't handle it and broke the news. She was upset, very upset, but kind of agrees with me that this doesn't seem as simple as what he's saying it is. I didn't think he'd be mad at me for telling, but just in case, I told my husband that he had to tell his mom about it because it was awkward, so he called her that night while I was out. When I came home, he was upset and feeling a little lectured (she is pretty intense when she's emotionally charged), but felt like counseling was still something he wanted to try.

Since then, we have both had our first counseling appointments and my second is today. We have the same doctor, and he will also see us together at times. We both like him, and he seems like a winner for us.

I'm having some problems dealing with what I recognize as a defense mechanism: anger, resentment, mistrust, etc. I actually do trust him, and I don't really feel anger or resentment, but I can see myself sort of trying to feel those things at times just to make myself feel better. If that makes sense.

My main goal right now is to just keep working, keep living like I have been and being the wife I have been -- being supportive, taking care of my jobs in our relationship, and so on. As much as can be normal has to be normal if this is going to work, I think. Anyway, I've decided that whatever hurts and whatever makes me want to (at times) kick his ass, has to take a back seat. My marriage isn't going to end because I didn't try to stop it, and it isn't going to end because I gave up or because I finally didn't want to try anymore.

I realize this isn't well written or anything, but I'm about dead on my laptop battery. 

Thanks for the posts and advice, guys.


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## flipflopchic

Counseling is always great. Even in a currently great working relationship.

But, what if part of this is just a transition in your marriage? I'm not an expert on this but I thought that your feelings for your partner changes over time. You always love them but exactly what kind of love that is, evolves over time. Just a natural process. 

I wouldn't be here if I weren't having the same thoughts. A friend of mine told me that marrying someone is waking up every morning and _choosing _to love your wife/husband. I think this applys to every relationship....no matter how great. Maybe your husband just needs to remember and learn to accept this?

Just a thought.


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## MrsVain

A wise old woman told me once, "You fall in and out of love with your husband/wife all throughout your marriage. You always love them, but being "in Love" with them is different. And it is what you do when you are out of love with him/her that makes and breaks a marriage."

I have come to understand this saying very much in the past 8 years. many times i have fallen out of love with my husband, but still treat him with respect and dont focus on all the sad/bad issues. and low and behold i will fall right back in love with him. and when that happens it is just as wonderful as it was when we were dating. 

Maybe you should focus on what he said, and focus instead on what he is doing. you all will get thru this, it just takes time.

good luck


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## Lou1999

Hello,

I hope your situation has improved, I have just read your post because I have just posted almost exactly the same situation! I can see so many similarities between our circumstances. I didn't mention in my thread that my husband has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression (he is very 'self aware' and when he says our problems are not related, i believe him). It sounds very likely that depression is an issue for you, and I would say that medication can be a great help. 

My husband and I have a great relationship other than him not loving me, and where you say at the end of your post that you are 'so scared, and so sad' that is exactly how I feel. 

If you are able, my suggestion would be that you should try and support your husband while he figures out what is going on with him! It has been extremely difficult, but the best times that I've had over the last few months have been when I've felt like 'the strong one' helping him through. He has reacted best to me when I have felt/acted like this. It's not a permanent solution, and looks like it's not going to work long term for me, but it may help your husband figure out what's going on. 

I really hope that things work out for you. 
xx


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