# Need help with very difficult coworker!!!



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I realize this might not be appropriate subject matter for this forum, but I need help.

I have a new coworker (she was hired in May) who is a real pill. She's in her early 30s. She's moody and often stressed out because her work is deadline driven. She takes it out on me. Snippy, rolling her eyes, heavy sighing. It's highly inappropriate for our particular workplace. Total Debby Downer. Our boss doesn't see it because he has bigger fish to fry and I'm not a tattletale. 

She got sh*tty again with me this week and I let it go. It'll happen again, though, with the next deadline. It's already happened twice like clockwork.

We've already had one Come to Jesus meeting a few weeks ago on her own volition to 'check in' to see if 'we're ok.' I respect that she came directly to me and didn't do the typical woman passive/aggressive crap and shot straight from the hip. I operate like that, too; I deal with the person I'm having the problem with. We worked it out (I guess) but now it's happening again. 

She already has a rep for being a b*tch. I have kept my mouth shut because I hate gossip in the workplace and I want others to draw their own conclusions.

Should I just let all of this go? Since it's only her personal traits and not her work product? Do I just need to suck it up and deal and keep quiet? Part of me says yes but part of me says no, I shouldn't be treated this way.

If I approach her, how should I do it? Do I address it immediately when it happens or wait until she has calmed down?I want to be firm this time.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Immediately...as professional as you can. Tell her she is offensive and it's not called for. If it continues you will have no choice but go to HR dept or the boss.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Try to diffuse the situation in small steps leading up to the deadline. Just chat and re-affirm your previous discussion with her. 

Don't be reactive to the situation. As soon as you notice her actions becoming (how should I put this?), obnoxious, have a little chat with her and let her know she's not the only one that feels the stress.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

These sorts of things are difficult to navigate, especially when bosses typically don't want to deal with this sort of thing. 

In my experience, I found the ones that tattled (even when the issue is truly valid) had a situation that blew up in their face because a boss who doesn't want to deal with it will say that YOU are being "negative." Yet, they also lose it when you go to HR, bringing attention to their department. When you got an a-hole in you department, it is almost a lose-lose situation.

I have never experienced this, but I noticed many others who got thrown under the bus because employers secretly expect, in spite of no tolerance policies, that coworkers deal with it themselves.

I don't know to what degree that your difficult co-worker escalates, but if it's just rude, snippiness...then you can combat it by not taking the offense. When a co-worker and I usually got cranky and stressed, usually one would say "Someone pee in your Wheaties?" or something to get ourselves to chill out. If you just don't have that sort of rapport, don't respond to her pissiness...maybe just a quiet stare. My wife does that with her difficult coworker, just stares at her like "Are you done?" and then moves on like nothing happened. Or sometimes my wife facetiously smiles and is gracious. Certainly don't feed into it by taking the offense...this is about her, not you. But you are allowed to say to her, "Hey, I've had about enough of that. It's either you pull it together and deal with your stress more healthily or go take a chill pill, because I am not your verbal punching bag."

If you do take this to superiors or HR, be clear, cut an concise about what it is that is going on...leave no room for reinterpretation. Come in almost angry and do not back down if they say, "Well maybe this...or that." Say "No. This is what it is. It is unprofessional and it needs to end. Now." If you come in weak or whiny, then you put yourself in a position to get thrown under the bus.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Thanks for your replies, I like the humor approach (who pissed in your wheaties?).

I feel a bit better knowing I'm not the only one who thinks her behavior is inappropriate.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Eye rolling and heavy sighs hey. These are a form of communication. You could just flat out ask what it is she is having a problem with as you find her non verbal signals an ineffective form of communication in a workplace.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Come up with some good remarks that let her know her attitude is not appreciated, but that cannot be used against you.

"You must be having a bad day." Then just walk away. Do not internalize her attitude. She is the one who is having the problem, not you.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I agree with the others. 

The joking it away response to make her aware will only be effective if you have a good rapport at other times. As it doesn't sound like you do, then calling it assertively, direct and straight, is the way to go. She requested the meeting last time - why not request another one with her - with the approach of asserting the need to work more positively together?

I had a scenario whereby a guy in our department (a manager) was huffing about and reacting to me that way. I called a meeting with him the next day and told him straight that I didn't want to be on the end of that and wanted to know what we needed to do differently. His walls immediately came down, thanked me for calling the meeting and then told me what it was that I (and part of our team) were doing that caused him added stress. It was part of a process that wasn't needed - I was unaware of that until we spoke. He was unaware that we'd been told it was part of the process. Easily fixed. Although that doesn't change the way he handles stress with huffing. What it did change (somewhat) was the way I handled it for myself. I didn't politely sidestep. So while her moods are about her - this is also about you.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

I typically respond to these types of shenanigans by widening my eyes, pausing a few seconds while staring directly at the offender, and then saying, "I don't know why you would speak to me that way. Moving on, let's get back to discussing XYZ...."

Also, the Ask A Manager blog has some great advice for awful coworkers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

breeze said:


> Eye rolling and heavy sighs hey. These are a form of communication.



I have been known to put on performances like this.... But then I have been known to send status updates nearly completely in emoji so...

Focus on getting work done first then worry about personal differences. Humor is good if you can deliver. We have nicknamed a lot of people outside our team with names from Games of Thrones.... The lead systems engineer is none other than Theon Greyjoy...

I would avoid HR unless there are perform ac issues...


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Boy are screwed. I had this happen to me, except the co-worker acted much, much worse. As was mentioned already, it all got dumped on my head when I spoke about it.

I think what you should do is send her an email saying exactly what you said here about her behaviors, and ask her to stop. This way, you have her behaviors documented, you have your polite request that she stops treating you so badly, and what will put the icing on the cake is if she responds you will have her confession in the response. I expect she would respond with her apologies again or something like. Whatever she says, she will be acknowledging the things you said she does.

In fact, add into the letter that you often leave work feeling anxious and nervous and depressed because of the way she has treated you that day. You know, use some terms and results that are mentioned in the hostile environment definitions of workplace harassment. This way, you not only show how her behavior makes you feel but if she does it again, you also show how her behaviors are intentional and she is deliberately trying to cause you grief.

Also, carry a recorder. I don't know what state you are in, so find out if yours is a one-party state or a two-party state. If a one-party state, then carry a VAR (voice activated recorder). If you can't get one of those before Monday morning, then use your phone, but you'll have to set it to record. She'll never know you are recording her. Whenever she is near you, turn the voice recorder on, and she'll have no idea what you're doing. Make sure you not only record HER saying unkind and hostile things to you, but also that you are heard on the recorder asking her not to talk to you that way and not to treat you like that. 

If it's possible, use your phone to take pictures, but I'm thinking that part will be hard since she won't likely scowl for the camera.

If she does anymore after that letter, you have the letter and all that proof to take to HR.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Lucy, what exactly is your working relationship with this woman? Is she your superior? Are you peers? Does one answer to another? I actually disagree with the humour approach, as it seems more passive aggressive. I would just say some thing along the lines of "you seem quite stressed right now, I'll give you a few minutes to collect yourself", then walk out. If you keep doing it, she may realize there's an issue. Too much passive aggressiveness on your part and she may wind up going to HR. 

I hope this helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

always_hopefull said:


> Lucy, what exactly is your working relationship with this woman? Is she your superior? Are you peers? Does one answer to another? I actually disagree with the humour approach, as it seems more passive aggressive. I would just say some thing along the lines of "you seem quite stressed right now, I'll give you a few minutes to collect yourself", then walk out. If you keep doing it, she may realize there's an issue. Too much passive aggressiveness on your part and she may wind up going to HR.
> 
> I hope this helps.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are equals. She has a completely different job than I do, but I don't answer to her, nor does she answer to me.We have four people in our office and our boss is BMOC. I work for a state agency and while there's an HR dept., my boss is the go-to for these types of issues. I must deal with this myself. 

I really, really like your suggestion. It's to the point and doesn't invite drama. It indeed does help, thank you!


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Yes I agree a direct but respectful response is the best. If she's being rude to you specifically, you need to call it out, but in a friendly way. She may well be really stressed with the deadline and not realise she's annoying you. Or she may be unconsciously blaming you for something, or there may be a real reason why she's snippy with you. Best to find out for sure.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's been my experience that people who can't be team players don't need much help seeing to their own destruction. She's been on the job since May and already has a bad reputation among her co-workers? If it is possible, I'd plop my butt firmly on the moral high ground and remain there, doing my job and keeping the drama out of the boss' office unless the boss came and specifically asked my input. The ink isn't yet dry on her application and she's already a pain in the a$$. I wouldn't get too attached because she won't be there long. 
I believe I'd avoid a scenario in which the boss perceives this problem as two workers who can't get along when really he has one employee who's a problem. Sooner or later she'll wear her butt for a hat in front of her supervisor or a client or the boss. She'll have some spectacle of a drama melt-down and see to her own destruction. I've been on my current job over 20 years. Nobody,not even my boss, has been here longer. I've seen these psychos and drama queens and drama kings come and go. I'm still here. I've been tempted scores of times to try to modify some co-workers behavior or report this or that to the boss. I stayed out of things and these idiots fixed my problem for me. None of that drama is in my employee file and when the boss reflects on my name he never associates it with office BS.


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

"You really can't handle this job can you, maybe you should transfer to something more within your capabilities, like cleaner."

You are not her emotional punching bag, and are willing to add insult to injury every time her behavior becomes obscene. That's what I would do.


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