# Relationship is over. Trying to find what went wrong.



## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

March 6 2010 to June 8 2013

Three years and three months, or 1192 days. This is how long it lasted.

Now that the fog is starting to clear, I am putting the jigsaw pieces together, trying to find what went wrong. At first I thought the main problem is the sex, but now that I can see more clearly I realize sex was just the tip of the iceberg and there were deeper problems in the relationship.

This will be very long so I will submit it in several posts over the next days. To get some more insight you can read my other threads:

I am going to break up with long term GF because of bad sex.
GF puts too many conditions on sex.
My GF won't wake up in the morning


*First year, living separately.*

My now exGF was always acting a bit strange. For example, at the first date after we kissed for the first time: Being so happy to be with her, I couldn't keep my hands off her, kissing and hugging her all the time. She was responding, but I could feel something was holding her back. Was slightly irked and called her on that. She replied that she just wasn't the touchy-feely type. I was so happy at the time that I didn't give it a second thought.

On the subsequent dates she went through a phase when we would be out for a drink and she would go totally sad and wouldn’t talk after a while, sometimes would also start crying. I asked what was wrong and if it was me. She would quickly comfort me that it hadn’t to do with me, but offered some weird explanations for her sadness, like a serious illness in a family member that now was cured years ago and some other vague and weird stuff. I believe this phase stopped after a month or so.

A couple of months into our relationship, she started getting mad at me at minor things that I would never think would offend her. And when I say mad I mean *cranked all the way up to 11 mad*. At other times she would be giving me the silent treatment, sometimes for seemingly no reason at all.

Now all these were spaced widely enough so I wasn’t concerned much, although I was starting to question my sanity. When I first met her, her job and the entire sector was going down the drain. She was a bit anxious about that because even if she quit her current job she would be hard pressed to find work at another place. So I attributed most of these behaviors to work related stress and anxiety.

At this stage we were living separately, but almost every night I would be at her home. Sex was ok, nothing mindblowing but it was frequent, basically we had sex every time we met. We did have some disagreements though, because her comfort level on sex was extremely low and I expected that at this stage of the relationship it should be kicked up a notch or two and we should have a lot more than vanilla sex, which never happened.



*Second year: moved in together and major problems start*

We had our little problems as I described above and the main problem for me was the sex (you can read about it with more details on my other threads). I thought that she still wasn’t feeling completely comfortable with me and if we moved in together the problems would go away (silly me). 

So we find a new, very nice home at a nice neighborhood and move in. Shortly thereafter, the frequency of sex dropped dramatically. I was expecting better and more frequent sex after moving in and I got exactly the opposite. I was getting restless inside, but I didn’t say anything. I thought she had not adapted to the new environment yet. 

Also at the same time she had taken the decision to do a career change. That would involve taking a very tough exam and if she passed she would have to spend nine months at another city, 6 hours drive away for training. I was supportive of her for her decision and realized that she’s going through a quite stressful phase. I wanted more sex but didn’t want to complain and add up to her stress.


However as time passed I was still getting rejected a lot, just getting a trickle of sex and her behavior was getting weirder and weirder. At one time we were watching TV and out of the blue she burst in tears and said that she’s making my life miserable. Nothing that I can recall had happened previously to trigger that.

Also some times when we would have sex, while she would be willing at first, five minutes into the act she would turn dead fish.



And now some really weird incident:

We were watching a DVD. I had brought beers and popcorn. I was slightly irked with her, because earlier in the day she had once again rejected me, but I didn’t say anything and we were having a good time. But I was still boiling inside from the rejection so I had one beer too many, got sick and went to the bathroom. When I got out I was still not feeling very well so I lied down on the bed. Once again she was mad at me. She came in the bedroom and started dressing in a sexy dress and high heels and announced that she’s going out for a drink, alone (with emphasis on alone). *She also added that dressed like this it wouldn’t take long before she managed to hook up with someone!* 

I was just staring at her, speechless. The only thing in my mind was that if she went out of the door, I was out too, for good.

Eventually when she finished getting dressed up she then undressed and went to watch the rest of the movie or something.

I had said absolutely nothing to trigger such a response, on the contrary I was trying to forget the rejection and act cheerful around her, so I cannot fathom where that came from. And thankfully she didn't try to pull that kind of crap on me again.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Rfguy, sorry your relationship didn't work out, it can be very hard to let go of something you spend so long vested in. I think for both of your sakes this is for the best, she was unable and unwilling to meet your needs, and from the sounds of it she has some issues preventing her from being in a healthy relationship. To love someone else you have to love yourself first, and she has overwhelming self esteem issues. It sounds to me even, that she has likely been a victim to some sort of abuse, and as much as I'm sure you wanted to help her out of her struggles, she has to be the one to lead her changes.

Good luck going forward and take care...


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

HOLY CRAP..

Well I'm a guy that settled on mediocre sex for many many years and now I'm getting divorce. I was married 14 years.

I allowed my ex to control that part of our life together.

DO NOT ALLOW HER TO CONTROL THIS.

If you are not happy and no matter how hot she is... you need to end this or put a stipulation that she will talk to her doctor about this problem she is having.

There are many treatments for her lack of libido. If she WANTS to work on this then she will agree to get help. If not... you need to walk.

I was down to a few times a month and then I got used to it.

If your drive is as big as you say then you need to find a woman that is equally interested in the same thing.

If you walk you will see if she is genuine.. if you stay you do not have control.

Remember the three POWER words.

LET:
You LET her control your sex life

ALLOW:
You ALLOW this behaviour to continue

PERMIT:
You permit her to treat you this way.

If any of the statements above are true then you are not in control of the situation. SHE IS.

You need to put yourself in control.

I will not ALLOW this behaviour to continue.
I will not PERMIT her to control our sex life
I will not LET her continue to treat me this way.

Then you are in control.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

*Second year, having the first Talk and summer vacation:*

Eventually I got fed up with the bad sex and confronted her. She said I was too pushy and that turned her off. And some other things that I think was just smokescreen.

Anyway, I think she was partialy right. I was indeed pushy and since I didn't get any I became even pushier. So I cut back on asking for sex. This didn't improve things much (if any) but at least removed some stress from the relationship.

A couple of months later (August) we went for summer vacation. It was the worst vacations I have ever had. I was expecting that we would have more sex now, but I was wrong. I tried to initiate the first day but she was too tired from the trip. Ok, I let that slip. Second day I wasn't lucky either. We do have sex on the third day and later when I finished, I go down on her, which she normally loves. However this time I can feel something is not right. She's tense and fidgety. A couple of minutes later she cuts me off and when I ask why she says with an annoyed tone that I was making too much noise :scratchhead:

We spent two weeks there and we had sex only 4 times.

And it was not just the sex. She didn't like anything. The beaches, the hotel, the roads, you name it. She was constantly complaining about everything. During the second week I felt physicaly ill from her constant bickering. I came this close to take the first plane back home and leave her there, but I didn't

When we returned from that vacation I had the first serious thoughts about breaking up. I started resenting her and when she offered sex in the next few weeks I refused. Another thing that irked me during that period was that while I went back to work, she was using the rest of her time off from work and stayed home. But she would spend her day sleeping and watching TV and when I came from work there wouldn't be anything to eat 


*Third year: The events that led to break-up*

It was a hard year for her because she had to go to work, go to school and study at home for the exam. She was grumpy, overworked and sad the whole time. I believe I tried to stand by her as best as I could, but eventually the whole situation got to my nerves. We spent little time together and grew apart. She didn't want to go out, she either was tired or had to study.

She kept saying that things would be better once she passed the exam, but I couldn't take her seriously because the last two years weren't good either.

Eventually I checked out emotionally from the relationship. I couldn't take it anymore, but I just went along, not really wanting to break up yet. Partly because I wanted to support her.

Then the exam results came and she had failed by a hair's breadth. She generally doesn't take rejection well, but this was out of this world. She was crying for a week straight and wanted to leave the house (not sure where she wanted to go, she probably didn't know either).

Anyway, she decided to retake the exam. She also quit her job because it was just taking up her time and adding stress for minimal money. I also got her a puppy which she always kept pestering me getting but I didn't want.

Things seemed to go well for a while. Her stress levels were down, but somehow the sex quality and frequency went to all time lows. Also she would now frequently get mad at me, sometimes for imagined transgressions. The next day she would be sweet and asking me to forgive her, but the whole situation just wore me down. 

The frosting on the cake was the weekend before St. Valentines when we had an escapade and no sex at all. Then, on St. Valentines I had organized a night at a nice restraunt, nice presents etc and when we got back home she wanted us to watch a DVD.

Three days later I joined TAM and wrote my first ever thread where I was seriously now contemplating breakin up with her.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

X billion people on earth, wherever you are in a major city, a town, X thousand people, the randomness of life. 

We, you.. are just one single person. We have our likes, our personality, our ways, our behaviours etc etc

We're supposed to...out of X amount of people, find that one person, ideal in every way, whom we can bond with, be a best friend, lover, confidant...all rolled in one. What is our selection method? Scientific? Statistical? Hormones? Whatever it is, we're supposed to pick that one person an everything is just supposed to click..

Long winded..but why I write this is..

You've just written a big write up, analyzing every that could have gone wrong..the reasons..who's fault, the why, what and where..sometimes it's just because..two people after time are incompatible. Sometimes it's nobody's fault, sometimes it's everybody's fault, sometimes all you and all her. Just two random people who met, had some fun, tried to live together and it didn't work.

I'm writing this because I've been where you are, I did what I thought was wasting six years with someone who cheated etc etc, what did I do, what went wrong, when, where and how. But we were incompatible..I knew it from the beginning but held on trying to ignore the obvious. 

What you did was see the cracks and you addressed them and took the step most people dont take instead of wasting another three years trying to fix things and becoming increasingly more bitter towards each other.

Don't change a thing mate. Yourself or otherwise. Trying to analyse and owning up to some kind of fault only means when the next relationship rolls around you're more conscious of trying not repeat "mistakes" of the past when those very traits, that are you, may actually endear you to your new partner because you are simply both more compatible.

You chose not to be treated in a way which you would never have treated her. The relationship was unbalanced. You pulled the trigger. Now hopefully you'll find someone you can have a balanced and nurturing relationship with. 

Good luck.


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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

Thank you BobSimmons! Your post is very inspiring and made me feel better


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