# How do I encourage my wife to WANT to look attractive for me



## jacksons

I want my wife to look more attractive for me. Yes, this seems like a very shallow post, I get that. The thing is, I make an effort for her (and I'm in good shape), and I would _really_ appreciate her doing the same. I get that I'm not the hottest guy on the planet, nor do I expect a supermodel.

We don't have a lot of money, so we can't go out more than once or twice a month, and that's not to fancy places though I cook for her all the time, and I can't buy her lots of new clothes (though I have offered to do so, and she has some nicer clothes). She works with animals and doesn't care about her appearance at work and when she gets home after (this doesn't really bother me, I get it she's tired after work). She watches a TV literally all day, lying down on the couch under a blanket. Not that I should complain as she has done this for most of our relationship.

She does put on her nice shirt, jewelry, makeup when we go to a wedding (and she's beautiful, and yes, I definitely tell her!), or maybe when I do take her out for our anniversary to a nice steakhouse. But on a day-to-day, she never wears makeup, wears sweats and (old ratty) t-shirts, her hair is messy, etc.

I've always been someone who didn't care for tons of makeup/dolled up barbies, this is not what I mean.

From what I've read on other peoples responses to men in similar situations, suggestions often include making her feel beautiful. But it seems counter-productive to tell her she looks beautiful when she looks like a slob (obviously I do not tell her she looks like a slob). Don't get me wrong we make each other feel loved, and are both very thoughtful. I get the feeling women want to be lied to about how they are the most beautiful women in the world, but I have never been a subscriber to that policy, maybe that is a flaw of mine. I understand that it will not help to tell her that I am having trouble finding her attractive, and I will *not* do this, which is frustrating because we tell each other everything. I hate being even the slightest bit dishonest with her.

I'm not overly concerned about her somewhat overweightness. It would be a huge bonus if she made more of an effort to lose a few pounds (we bought an elliptical that she uses sometimes as she is completely uninterested in going to the gym), but my focus is on her _wanting to look pretty_. Yup, still sounds pretty superficial. But is it too much to ask? And I'm absolutely can not ask it without making her feel ugly. So I'm kinda stuck there, looking for suggestions.

Other info: We met in high-school, relationship is 12+ years, we are in our late 20s, have a pretty good sex-life despite her waning sex drive due to some medication, we have good communication.

Please be kind but honest.


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## A Bit Much

In one sentence you say, you like her in make-up and nice clothes and in the next you say you're not into make-up.

Is it the clothes, or is it the lack of make-up? Day to day if she's not going anywhere I could see why she'd think this was a waste (to get all dolled up).


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## jacksons

My point is that I do not expect her to dress like she is going to the club, or put on tons of makeup, but I want her to make a minimal effort, and I want her to WANT to. I want to look good for her....


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## A Bit Much

You keep saying what YOU want for her but she probably doesn't care what you look like. That's your thing.

My husband and I have a relationship in which we just come right out and tell each other what we think. I would say to him, 'honey is everything ok?' And then elaborate... 'it looks like you've just given up on me. I love it when you... ' Then that would start a conversation. 

He would do the same for me. Why not just talk to her about what you want?


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## jacksons

A Bit Much said:


> You keep saying what YOU want for her but she probably doesn't care what you look like. That's your thing.
> 
> My husband and I have a relationship in which we just come right out and tell each other what we think. I would say to him, 'honey is everything ok?' And then elaborate... 'it looks like you've just given up on me. I love it when you... ' Then that would start a conversation.
> 
> He would do the same for me. Why not just talk to her about what you want?


I admire how close you two are. I often feel that we are too, and I have been trying to be subtle in hinting how I'd love it if she made some more effort. She seems receptive but I haven't seen much from her. Also I do not want to hurt her feelings, I mentioned once that sometimes it was hard for me to find her attractive, that was years ago but I think that really hurt her. I don't want to hurt her feelings so I'm looking for other avenues.


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## A Bit Much

> *I mentioned once that sometimes it was hard for me to find her attractive*, that was years ago but I think that really hurt her


Put that way, I'd find it hurtful too. I always say it's not WHAT you say but the WAY you say it that makes all the difference.

Maybe if you posed a question to her in the way I phrased it, she would give you some insight. Maybe if you came right out and made it a request she would be receptive. "Honey, I would really love it if some nights I came in and you were all cutiefied for me. I love to see you in all your hotness!!"

I wouldn't have a problem responding positively to that. But I'm not the usual woman either. Some women will get offended and hurt no matter HOW you phrase it.


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## southern wife

Does she like manicures and/or pedicures? If so, buy her some gift cards. Hey that's a start. I know if my hands look nice and my feet feel good, I want the rest of me to look and feel that way, too.  Just a thought...


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## 45188

Jacksons to be fair, if she wears makeup every day it'll make her pores huge and it'll make her ugly in the long run. Tell her you think she's sexy naturally but that when she wears makeup, she looks like a supermodel. She's in that comfort mode where she thinks you don't care what she looks like, and your lack of communication isn't helping.

My boyfriend lets hints off to me like "I hate when you wear sweats, go put on some jeans it shows your butt off" "Can you wear a more form fitting shirt, it shows your curves." 

buy her some lingerie, go on the mac makeup website and let her catch you browsing. Mac makeup makes a great xmas gift.

Makeup is pretty expensive lol..


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## jacksons

Thanks a bit much, your phrasing might really help. 

Southern wife, yeah I keep encouraging her to do those things (and offering to pay). I once bought her a $150 gift cert to a spa that she waited 2 years to use. Your signature says it all: "don't save it for a special occasion, today is special." I need to find a way to convince her of that.


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## jacksons

kipani said:


> Jacksons to be fair, if she wears makeup every day it'll make her pores huge and it'll make her ugly in the long run.


Ironic, don't ya think? Yeah, it sucks because if we had more money, I feel like this would be easier, but wouldn't everything? I'm hesitant to just buy her a bunch of expensive makeup especially when I know next-to-nothing about it, she does have a Mary Kay kit.

Thanks for the other tips, that helps a lot!


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## A Bit Much

Jacksons for the record nothing is wrong with wanting to see your wife look hot more often than she attempts. You're a man. You like to look at pretty things. I wish more women would understand that just because you got that ring on your finger, it doesn't mean you NEVER have to try looking hot for your husband ever again. He may be there with you, but have the sense enough to know you have to keep up certain things to KEEP HIM. 

This also goes for men that let it all go. Don't think just because you got married you got to stop looking fine. OH NO. I let my husband know when he's being lazy about his appearance with me and that I would appreciate a little effort. If he can pull it together for his COWORKERS he better damn sure pull it together for ME more often than not. I'm special dammit.


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## jacksons

A Bit Much said:


> Jacksons for the record nothing is wrong with wanting to see your wife look hot more often than she attempts. You're a man. You like to look at pretty things. I wish more women would understand that just because you got that ring on your finger, it doesn't mean you NEVER have to try looking hot for your husband ever again. He may be there with you, but have the sense enough to know you have to keep up certain things to KEEP HIM.
> 
> This also goes for men that let it all go. Don't think just because you got married you got to stop looking fine. OH NO. I let my husband know when he's being lazy about his appearance with me and that I would appreciate a little effort. If he can pull it together for his COWORKERS he better damn sure pull it together for ME more often than not. I'm special dammit.


Well that makes me feel much better, I just wish she had a close friend like you telling her that!!


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## VFW

I have spent most of my life trying to get my wife to take her clothes off, not put something fancier on, so I admit I have limited experience in this area. I don't know the normal chatter between you and your wife, but I think I would try humor. If she can take a little ribbing and so that she knows that it is intended that way. At the same time she will know that you are noticing her appearance. So for example if she has unkept hair and sweat pants, you might kiddingly say: Oh I like this Appalachian Mountain look you got going here, that's hot. This will only work if she has a good sense of humor and you regularly kid with her.


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## jtec040812

I can relate to this, a little bit. I feel like I have let myself go since we have gotten married because I 1) am comfortable and 2) and VERY tired compared to what I was when we first began dating. 3 kids later. But one thing is my husband has never once ever told me that I have let myself go. I know I have. Have you ever asked her why she likes her ratty old pants you speak of? I have a sweater that I love and wear all winter long and it is my favorite. When my husband finally said "you know, you wear that too much, I love when you wear this pink blouse." I was more than happy to wear the blouse. I admired that he was courageous enough to tell me that he liked the way the blouse looked on me. Maybe you could try that type of aaproach?


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## Athena1

kipani said:


> My boyfriend lets hints off to me like "I hate when you wear sweats, go put on some jeans it shows your butt off" "Can you wear a more form fitting shirt, it shows your curves."


Now those are the kind of "hints" even I'd be able to spot! Ha!


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## Athena1

Jacksons: this is a complex thing from a woman's perspective. There's a lot of warring reasons that we do or do not look after ourselves. 

I would say it's great that you don't want to lie to her, but I'm sure there are things you find attractive about her even when she looks her worst. Giving her compliments does sound counterproductive, but it's actually when we feel kind of pretty that we think it's worth the effort to look pretty. 

Another thing is that we often sabotage ourselves by thinking if we look a certain way we'll have to be more outgoing, or be more sexually available, etc. It's super illogical but it happens. We (often subconsciously) think the expectations on us will be higher if we look better. 

I'd say make sure you're giving her physical compliments even when you're not trying to have sex. And don't initiate sex every time she puts in the effort on her appearance. (That's not to say you shouldn't do it when the time is right!) Just not to make her feel like there are extra expectations that come with looking better. 

Also this is advice someone else was just giving me but it's good here. Positive reinforcement! If she does something you like, make sure she knows it!


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## canttrustu

Men are visual. Im sure your wife knows this and if she doesnt you should tell her. Was she like 'this' before you married her?


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## DayDream

Can't you express to her that it hurts your feelings and you feel like she has no desire to fix herself up for you? You can't come right out and say you want to see her sometimes how she used to be when she would fix herself up for you? That you feel like she doesn't care anymore what you think?


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## A Bit Much

For most people, how you feel is going to reflect in your appearance. 

Jacksons can you gauge how your wife has been feeling? Is she a happy person?

Honestly I love a good pair of pajama pants and a tee the minute I get home from work. Off goes the boulder holder, and I'm in relax mode!!! But... I am considerate. I realize that my husband doesn't mind my relaxed look but he really loves how I look in my work stuff. I got home first last night and made dinner without changing, just so he could come in and see me semi dressed up.

I got a few more kisses and hugs than usual. BONUS for me!


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## Athena1

Hey do you guys ever go for walks? That might be a nice thing to do just because it's enjoyable, but it'd have the side benefit of getting her more active and maybe start that fitness ball rolling. 

I just remembered I haven't gone for a walk with H in forever, used to love doing this! I'm going to do this soon.


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## Enginerd

It's not shallow to expect your spouse to make an effort to look attractive. Who ever told you that was seriously misinformed. It would be shallow to leave your wife for this reason without first giving her a fair chance to meet your needs. 

My first question would normally be "What kind of woman did you marry? If she was a sweats/T-shirt kind of gal when you met her then you have the wife you deserve. However, you've been together since childhood so your situation has complicated dynamics. You have to ask yourself if your needs and expectations have changed as you matured. This is really common in your late 20's. You also need to know if your wife understands what a mature man expects of his wife. I'm guessing she does not understand because she has little experience with men. She's probably very comfortable with you since you've been together almost half your young lives. She thinks you accept her "as is" since you've probably never made this an issue. 

I'm not gonna lie. It will be difficult for you to change her way of thinking without shaking things up. Also, it sounds like your lifestyle doesn't motivate your wife to be concerned about her appearance. She also works with animals. She's probably an earthy person by nature (I know this is a stereotype so tell me I'm wrong if that's the case.). She's on some medication that saps her sex drive. If it's for depression or anxiety then she may not care about her appearance. If she's laying around the house all the time at this age then she's either lazy, depressed or physically ill. I think you owe it to her to sit her down and lovingly ask her to try a little harder. Tell her how your needs have changed if that's the case. Tell her you don't think she respects you because she's not making an effort. If I was in my late 20's and my wife was doing this I would be wondering what my marriage was going to be like at 40 or 50. Healthy people should be active and vibrant in their late 20's. 

In summary this could just be one of the symptoms of deeper problems that you need to understand. By the way, you sound way too nice. If you read enough posts here you will begin to realize that the super nice guys eventually lose the interest of their women. Women respect strength and confidence regardless of how sensitive they say they want you to be. I'm not saying this is what's going on with you but its something to consider.


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## jacksons

Enginerd said:


> It's not shallow to expect your spouse to make an effort to look attractive....
> 
> ...In summary this could just be one of the symptoms of deeper problems that you need to understand. By the way, you sound way too nice. If you read enough posts here you will begin to realize that the super nice guys eventually lose the interest of their women. Women respect strength and confidence regardless of how sensitive they say they want you to be. I'm not saying this is what's going on with you but its something to consider.


Wow. Not sure what to say to such an extremely insightful post. I will have to read this a few times. Thank you for taking the time to write it.


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## jacksons

Enginerd said:


> ...this could just be one of the symptoms of deeper problems that you need to understand. By the way, you sound way too nice.


I totally get where this is coming from, but a few honest questions:

What specifically did you notice that you'd say I'm way too nice?

I'm pretty "strong" but still very sensitive (to her needs, emotionally) and she always says that she likes that about me. What types of things could I look at in my own behavior that I could close in on some more appropriate actions regarding this advice/observation?

She does have anxiety, but not depression to my knowlege, would that change anything you wrote?

I do feel sometimes she is lazy, any suggestions?

Also She is not "earthy" or hippy at all.

We definitely love each other so much, I just want the best for both of us, and I'm willing to try anything to improve things. It's not horrible, but I feel like something is missing.


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## Enginerd

It's all stuff I wish someone told me when I was in my 20's. I always try to help young married guys because I struggled during this time of my life due to a lack of life skills and emotional intelligence. I bought into alot of the PC crap I read about relationships and it hurt me many times over. It's all about being a confident man who knows what he wants and is willing to take action to get it. He has to have enough sensitivity to expresse his expectations in a mature manner so his wife can absorb it but he must be willing to go it alone if it doesn't work. Easy to say but hard to do....


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## jacksons

Well that makes sense in some ways but I want to clarify, what do you mean by "go it alone if it doesn't work" ?


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## Enginerd

It was this:

"She watches a TV literally all day, lying down on the couch under a blanket. *Not that I should complain as she has done this for most of our relationship." *Only a nice guy would accept this and believe he deserved it. It was also the fact that you married your high school sweat heart at such a young age. Only nice guys do this. 

Going it alone means your willing to lose your relationship if your wife is not making an effort to meet your needs. I'm going to guess that you married young because your family life wasn't great. If this is the case this makes you more likely to cling to a bad relationship. You write your story as if you don't deserve any better which is why I responded. We all deserve the best from our spouses when we are good people and treat them well.

Anxiety and depression go hand in hand. Sometimes people don't recognize depression when they are in their 20's.


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## Enginerd

Don't get me wrong. I'm not suggesting you throw away your marriage. I'm married for 20 years now. Its the first and last time for me. However your wife needs to know your a man of your word. You'll take whatever necessary actions are required to live a happy productive life. It may take many months or even years to change the direction of a marriage but only you can decide how much effort to put in. I just put in 3 years in an attempt to turn mine around.


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## jacksons

Well I'm obviously not at the point where I'd want to leave her now. Especially for something that seems kinda petty (like not wearing sweatpants and putting on makeup more often) after a 12-year relationship.

I find it surprising that you put that out there. But I'm particularly confused as you seem to be tying that to the whole "woman are attracted to guys that know what they want and are willing to take action to get it" thing. Though I'm guessing your not suggesting this I know it wouldn't help my situation to tell her that "if she doesn't take better care of herself then I'm considering leaving." Maybe those were separate thoughts.

I don't want to sound ungrateful at all, almost everything you said seems really relevent, and I really respect your perspective. My intention is only to clarify.


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## Enginerd

No problem. It's your life. I just saw signs of other issues in your post. If I'm wrong then I'm happy for you. 

Peace


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## Mavash.

I did this to my husband for years and I feel bad about it now. He never said a word. I love him dearly and had he asked me nicely I'd like to think I would have listend but I'm not sure. I'd have to think about that.

As it was I fixed it on my own when I got serious about fixing my marriage. He'd checked out and I read several marital books that talked about men's need for an attractive wife. I now put forth an effort to look good for him.


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## waiwera

Jacksons - there is a fabulous book call 'His needs Her Needs'. It covers this very issue really well. 

An attractive wife comes in #2 for men as a need (not a shallow want but a need)...after sex, no surprise there!

So you wanting your wife to take care of her health and appearance is very normal!

I'd try to get a hold of this book and maybe read it with your wife. This book is a gift to any marriage IMO.


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## VeryMuchInLove

You're in a bit of a pickle. If you outright tell her what you want, you risk making her feel more unattractive than she already may, in which case it could get worse. These little comments can do a lot of damage. 

The only thing I could think of would maybe save up some money and pay for her a day at the spa (including a makeover, but that being only part of the package.) Maybe after her makeover she will feel so beautiful she'll want to do it more often. And this would give you the opportunity to lay the "Wow, you're gorgeous!" on REALLY thickly! Would make a nice Christmas gift, too!


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## COGypsy

Maybe it's about baby steps and compromise.

You said she wears sweats and ratty tops--what about getting her yoga pants and women's tees/hoodies in a nice print? Still comfy, but with a bit more style and shape.

Does she use moisturizer or sunscreen? You could try "accidentally" getting a tinted moisturizer instead of her usual stuff.

If she always wears her hair in a ponytail or clip, maybe get less plain ones that she'll pay some attention to. 

I'm trying to think of things that would be easy substitutions instead of drastic change....


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## DayDream

Take her clothes shopping. Pick out stuff you would like to see her in. Do it together.


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