# Our sex life is going to ruin our marriage



## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

We have (or could have) a frequent sex life, that isn’t the problem here. The problem is the quality of the sex. My wife would have sex daily but the sex isn’t satisfying. 

She tries, so I give her credit for that. We keep the communication open and I try to teach her what I like but she just doesn’t get it. I use to believe that no one was bad at sex, just inexperienced or poor communication. My wife has changed my mind, and I hate saying that. She tries so hard. 

-Handjobs result in chaffing and she has no rhythm. They feel very awkward like she cannot move her hand/wrist properly. I have tried so many times to show her how to do it but she just cannot get it. If I keep my hand over hers the entire time it’s alright, but where is the fun in that.

-Blowjobs are boring. I encourage her to use her hands but again, no rhythm and it makes it worse having the alternate random motions from hand and mouth. She doesn’t know how to use her tongue and can’t follow direction. 

-She never looks like she is enjoying it. No enthusiasm. She isn’t winning any awards for her performance. She can’t do both at the same time, the physical act and the emotional act. I do not get it. 

-She cannot dirty talk without it being awkward. It doesn’t naturally come from her. She doesn’t moan much when she does it sounds like a broken record. The same noise over and over. I can tell her to switch it up but she forgets. 

-In most positions where I’m in control she ends up just laying there silent and still. I encourage her to move a bit, touch me, kiss me, be involved and she will but then forgets. 

-If she is on top we’re back to the issue of no rhythm. It’s hard to get the positioning right so it’s frequently uncomfortable for me. 

It just doesn’t come naturally to her… I’ve been with inexperienced women, but I have never been with a woman who just couldn’t learn. 

It has led to me not wanting to have sex with her because it’s more satisfying to take care of myself, which in turn led to a loss of general intimacy. And with that, I fell out of love with her. The lack of intimacy is hurting her, as is my attitude towards her. It’s killing our marriage. She is very attractive and has an amazing body but I feel like I’m losing my attraction for her as well. The ****ty part is that she tries. She ****ing tries... and 5 years later nothing has improved.

This hasn't been an issue just with me. She had unhappy men in previous relationships. She knows that the sex isn't mind blowing. She has gone as far as offering I have those 'needs' met elsewhere, though it killed her to say that. I wouldn't do that to her. I don't want to divorce her over bad sex, but that is where we are headed. 

Is there any way to mend this?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I married a virgin and my wife is a perfect submissive. Not in the dominate/sub way but she let me do anything to her. However in 44 years of marriage she has never initiated sex or suggested we do something different. It was always me. Luckily she tried every fetish in the book with me but she never got get into the psychological aspect of the fetish. She never talks during sex and if she did not moan during an orgasm, I would not know it. If I talked she told me to be quiet as it destroyed her concentration. I think it destroyed her fantasizing about women.

On the plus side she can reach orgasm in under 3 minutes and keep having them until she is physically exhausted. She will orgasm only with direct stimulation of her clitoris and it does not take much. She is bi and does not like intercoure anymore since undergoing a few surgeries in her vagina. Plus she says I am too big for her. I am not big, she is 4' 11" and 90 lbs. To her I am too big. To other women I was just a little over average.

She knew this was a problem because we communicated a lot about sex. I am not shy about telling women what I like and dislike. Like your wife she tried but she knows little about the male anatomy and does not like to read about it to learn. As her first solution we did a wife swap with friends. She hated it because the guy was too rough for her. My wife does not like PIV since discovering we are both sterile added to her medical problems. She likes sex which is basically extended making out and then either finish with my hand, oral of her vibrator which is her favorite. 

We did some soft swinging which is swinging but saving the main event for your spouse. That went well for a few years and we hosted some pretty wild pool parties and dances. Then she discovered that she was bi and that started a string of girlfriends whom she shared with me. Finally settled in with her best friend who was given a furnished room in our home and a full wardrobe of sexy clothes to go with her conservative teacher outfits that she wore daily. 

The girls and threesomes were all my wife's idea. In fact, the wife swap was her idea too. She really tried to provide me with the type of sex she could not. Threesomes became our main sex life and that was good. My wife learned from watching her girlfriends sexually please me and then repeated what they did but with more love and energy. Nothing like a little competition to bring out their A game.

Long story short, we had an ethical non monogamous marriage and a poly triad with our girlfriend. That kept sex interesting because we could also go outside the marriage if we wanted to. Only did so 6 times combined with wife, over our 44 years of marriage. It was not like we went looking for people to have sex with on our own all the time. Plus it was all above board. Our girlfriend was game for anything and liked to try new things which took care of my needs and also taught my wife new things. I’ve seen how the whole relationship lockdown breeds an almost viral tendency to take the other person for granted, to have huge expectations, and to deliver this all from a sense of duty and obligation — without a thank you! We do not take each other for granted.

We abandoned the current morality governing marriage. It has a 50% fail rate. I would not buy a car that failed 50% of the time so why accept those odds for a lifetime marriage contract. People think we were crazy, perverted and immoral and yet we are the only ones still married out of all of those in the marriage police. We simply rejected the one size fits all marriage model and modified it to meet our needs. Our own morality has a zero percent marriage failure rate and I have never posted here or elsewhere about a marital problem. I find it a little interesting that some of those who post here with marital problems do not like my opinions which work when theirs do not. That is what I mean about doggedly clinging to their morality as ship sinks. My signature block states a truth which dooms a lot of people. Even rats have the good sense to desert a sinking ship.

Our sex life is varied and complicated and not something most would want to try. I am not trying to convert anyone as I know that is fruitless in a world that worships monogamy. Actually serial monogamy where you first destroy the person you love and then can have sex with someone else, even for a night, to be morally correct. Somehow that is a better option for monogamous people.

What we did was to find something to spice up our sex life when it got boring and that is what we are doing now. We found a way around your problem but you need to have the mental capacity to control jealousy and feel compersion (happiness for the pleasure your spouse gets from others) instead. It is a game best played by those who can handle it intellectually because the physical part has to be separated from the fear of loss an insecurity we all feel. Yes we do sometimes feel jealous at times, but we control it and are happy for our spouse's pleasure. Jealousy can co-exist with compersion. We are subject to the same genetic emotions that everyone has. We just can compartmentalize them in our brains and not let them turn us into raving beasts who want to tear our spouse apart because he put his wee wee in her hoo ha. Mankind has made what all animals do to procreate, a spiritual and sacred act, instead of the natural act it is. Humans like to think themselves special creations of some unseen entity that somehow is made in their image, right down to the beard white robe.

So this is how we handled a similar problem as you. My wife is loving the new fetish we are now into (chastity play) and she has taken the lead in sex for once. She is having her most intense orgams and multiple ones at that. Not bad for a 64 year old woman with a hip replacement. I have always found a way to spice up our sex life by taking it in a new direction that we both can enjoy. The marriage police we knew back home hated us, but the divorce courts love us since we never take up any of their time. Once you free yourself from the confines of monogamy, anything is possible if you can handle it. We never went looking for sex partners and sex with others was the exception and not the rule. Just having choices made things work better. 

I never had sex with another women during my annual 3 months spent overseas, when I was not with my wife or girlfriend. As I said, we were not looking for sex with others unless there was a particular need for it. Those needs were few and far in-between. Plus when you take away the taboo of cheating, it loses its appeal. Doing what is taboo is always exciting. It was not so with me though. Good luck and try thinking out of the box. You certainly do not have to do it our way. As I said, we designed our marriage to work for us and part of that was my wife's need for a woman as well as me in her life. Ask your wife what fetishes she might want to try and then find common ground. Work around her problems. Most will not work out, but some will. My wife took to some that I never thought she would like. Plus having her girlfriend around to teach her and to observe, helped a lot. You cannot argue with success and nobody was ever hurt. All that we did could be done within monogamy. If love is there, you can always find solutions.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

How long have you been married? You clearly were not virgins when married so there must have been a time when you felt connected enough with her to be married. So when did things change? Do you use a lot of porn? Do you think SHE may be bored too?

From a female perspective - sex becomes far more natural and adventurous when I am very aroused before sex even starts. Do you spend time making her feel desired; touching, kissing, caressing. Do you talk dirty to her? Are you good at playing with her and teasing? You say she doesn't moan much and sounds like a broken record (this sounds like too much porn on your part). There was a thread on TAM about noise during sex and most women say its is involuntary, others says they make no noise whatsoever. Loud porny noises can be used for role playing porny sex, but for everyday it is very fake. You are telling her to switch it up, do xyz but I am wondering if she is beginning to feel criticised and therefore losing confidence. (What does switch it up even mean?)

Forget BJs for now, concentrate on HJ's which is an easier skill. Important to lay off masturbation. The reason why HJs are not satisfactory may be because you are used to your own rhythm and pressure - that is difficult for someone to learn as it is very personal. If you reset this stimulus then your wife's touch will be way more interesting and satisfying. 

Get some oil and have a long evening where you do not have PIV but spend (a lot of) time just playing. YOU need to help her with her confidence with actions, not directions. As for positions you could buy a book such as the kamasutra and have fun practicing something new to you both. Be vulnerable together as though you are new in your relationship. Your post sounds very urgent and angsty and I wonder if she is picking up on your disappointment. Slow down and start from the basics.

Also if you are having sex everyday really, really important for sex to be varied (that doesn't just mean different positions, but different locations, role play, toys etc). Do you bathe or shower together? Could you read erotica together before sex? You say she is very attractive, this is something positive that you need to say often before, during and after sex. If she is not open to doing different things it may be better to have sex less frequently and build up some sexual tension between you.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

peacem said:


> From a female perspective - sex becomes far more natural and adventurous when I am very aroused before sex and touching start.


This was pretty much my first thought about this. It also speaks volumes that she mentioned that you could get your needs met elsewhere (though you said she did this with difficulty).

What I think may be happening is that she's just not that into sex, OP is, and she's trying her best to please him. But that's the only reason she's there.

IMO, despite what OP's experiences are, one can't be _terrible_ at sex if they're into it. It might not jive with what you want, but enthusiasm mixed with poor execution is still good sex. But poor execution sticks out like a sore thumb when the enthusiasm and interest for sex is missing. What I mean is that it's such a natural thing, and when one is awkward it's because it isn't happening naturally (ie. it's for your sake only). If she's only having sex because you want to and she solely wants to please you, then her lack of skill will stand out. If she was truly turned on, needed you, craved your body and was otherwise right into the sex, things might be different.

I think we've all had these experiences, where we can tell our partners are more or less just going through the motions. My ex wife did this a lot. My current wife every now and again. You can just tell they're not _really_ into it, and the quality suffers.

Sex is 99% mental, and enthusiasm and passion can override virtually anything.

OP has said that previous relationships have suffered because of this, which says his wife is aware and open about it. Yet she continues to use the same poor techniques in the bedroom, which indicates that she's tuning out of the constructive criticism and continues to 'go through the motions'. This means, to me, that she's not thinking during sex, and simply doing the same things she's always done. Almost like she's turning off her mind. And people generally turn off their mind when they're not particularly interested in something.

I'm not saying she's not into the OP. I think she's perhaps just not that into sex for whatever reason, or frequent sex, anyway. Maybe it's as simple as being too often for her, I don't know. My wife would have sex with me 4, 5 times a week if I pressed the issue, but the quality would suffer enormously because she won't really want to. As it is, she's good for once a week, and it's almost always fantastic and she's right into it and eager. That's all she really requires, so I acquiesce. *shrug*


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

yeah, and some women are horrible dancers too....so you do not take them onto the dance floor!

She seems eager to try, and that means a LOT. 
What makes HER cum? have you tried things that make her feel sexy/kinky? like do you buy her hot lingerie to wear to turn you on, and compliment her on how sexy she looks? Have you tried bondage, role plays, sexual toys? Have you tried giving her multiple orgasms with sex toys, to see how she does after the 10th one while she is tied to the bed. Maybe get her one of those butterfly vibrators, and have her wear it around the house giving her random orgasms?

Find out what she CAN do, and build on that.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

She's doing too many "activities" during sex with you.

Start over like others have said. Focus on her pleasure and sensation. Go slowly. Talk about what she is feeling and thinking. Ask if she likes this or that touch. You do the caressing and touching. Be very light and gentle. Have her close her eyes...
Try to get her to slow down and focus on the pleasure and touch. 

Maybe just got her off with your hand while you kiss her and gently stimulate hr breasts, etc. Treat her like a young lover - start with touch and sensation and eroticism.

PIV, HJ and BJ are her having to act and perform. Instead focus on intimacy, closeness, eroticism.

Try to reach "her" before you work on her getting you off

That's all I can think of... start over and let her discover sex as a sensual and enjoyable experience. Then maybe she'll build the confidence to share that feeling... slowly and one act at a time until she is confident and in touch with you during the act


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Realize you are working with a virgin basically. Be gentle, caring and lead in a way that isn't threatening. I really think her attractiveness may make people assume she should be experienced and she may never have had the chance to explore with someone else without immediate pressure to be a porn star. Good luck


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your ages.

Children?

Married 5 years?

How long in current relationship?

Previous marriages?

Has she been sexually assaulted or abused in her past or as a child?

Can she climax? Are you sure?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

marriedmarc said:


> Is there any way to mend this?


I think the most important ingredient for a wife to be awesome at sex is her self confidence. After that, not too much else matters other than knowing a few techniques to tease you.

Unfortunately you seem to have been doing the opposite. You have probably been very critical to your wife while she is trying to please which means she probably has zero self confidence at the moment. Instead of showing her how to tease you with "less is more" you have been teaching her to overstimulate you with "more is less" which likely leaves you numb and unable to enjoy sex.

Instead of "orgasm focused" sex, try to engage in sex for the purpose of an emotional connection. For at least a few times, try avoiding orgasms and just try to feel close to your wife. See what happens!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Be glad for what you got and buy a big bottle of hand lotion for the handjobs.


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

marriedmarc said:


> We have (or could have) a frequent sex life, that isn’t the problem here. The problem is the quality of the sex. My wife would have sex daily but the sex isn’t satisfying.
> 
> She tries, so I give her credit for that. We keep the communication open and I try to teach her what I like but she just doesn’t get it. I use to believe that no one was bad at sex, just inexperienced or poor communication. My wife has changed my mind, and I hate saying that. She tries so hard.
> 
> ...


OMg I have the PERFECT solution for you man! But I cant say it here cause I would be kicked out of this forum. It's too grafic! 
My wife was the same way...then I decided to try something...
We were to the point of no sex cause I gave up on her, then I thought...**** it, I'm going to try this, I have nothing to lose. And it worked so well, than not only I could get what I wanted and how I wanted it, but she opened up and is exploring wild fantasies now! We have never been more in sync than now!


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

stixx said:


> Be glad for what you got and buy a big bottle of hand lotion for the handjobs.


What? really? seriously? You can be serious...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

All you can do is teach her. If guiding her in the moment doesn't work, you'll have to find a way to talk about this another time, outside the bedroom. There are instructional videos for this purpose that aren't porn, and there is porn which does focus on how to please men. You have a good basis to go on - she is willing and enthusiastic about sex, so just be careful not to criticize her, as that could ruin even the good things.

Be aware, though, that some people are just bad at sex, no matter how much instruction and practice they get. Some people never develop the rhythms or sensitivity to their partner. I hope that isn't the case here, otherwise you won't see much improvement, and sex will remain bad.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Are you able to do things that please her in bed, or are both of you not enjoying?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

marriedmarc said:


> We have (or could have) a frequent sex life, that isn’t the problem here. The problem is the quality of the sex. My wife would have sex daily but the sex isn’t satisfying.
> 
> She tries, so I give her credit for that........ She tries so hard.....
> 
> ...


Wow! I am amazed with that approach that she even tries, she must love you a lot.


One of the things I learned from my sex starved marriage where my wife would not have sex with me is that I was a big part of the problem. It took a long time for me to figure that out and change myself so I was no longer part of the problem. One of the things that MW Davis in her book the Sex Starved Marriage stresses is that most couples with sexual problems, if you really dig down deep enough, you will find both partners own part of the problem.

I see two huge problems in your relationship with your wife. The first is that you want to change her, without accepting any ownership of the problem and without any change on your part.

As Bad Santa said confidence is a critical element in sexuality. Whether you meant to or not, you have communicated either through words, body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, that you just don't enjoy sex with her and that you think she is an unskilled lover. She has told you she had such fears associated with other men. 

Now put yourself in her shoes for a moment. She is unsure of womanly skills and you have reinforced such a self-image. You have put incredible "performance anxiety upon her and yet she still tries to pleasure you, out of her love for you.

The second huge problem I see is that rather than providing a safe emotional environment for her and you to work together learning about sex, you feel she can't learn (and would rather masturbate that try to teach her) are now contemplating divorce. She has told you to find the type of sex you need elsewhere if you must. That is truly not good for either of you to come to this point.

Now is there something that can help? In my experience, yes. A really great sex therapist helped save my marriage. The sex therapist (a marriage counselor with extra training in sexual problems and sexual dysfunction) helped my wife and me unlearn years of toxic sexual habits. One of the most important things the ST taught us was that sex should be "fun, playful, and exploratory." It should be an adult form of recess where you get to play with your best friend and do all kinds of things without any pressure on performing. Sometimes sex will be wonderful for both of you, sometimes it will be wonderful for just one of you. Sometimes it will just not work and you will stop, laugh and try again another day, but you will be laughing together an holding each other close.

You wife isn't broken. She doesn't need to be fixed. The two of you just need to relearn together as a couple how to avoid your toxic habits and how to have fun, playful sex together. A good sex therapist can give you reading material, videos, exercises and homework to help the two of your to get the sex you both want. But it will take change on the part of both of you and hard work for both of you.

Good luck.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> OMg I have the PERFECT solution for you man! But I cant say it here cause I would be kicked out of this forum. It's too grafic!
> My wife was the same way...then I decided to try something...
> We were to the point of no sex cause I gave up on her, then I thought...**** it, I'm going to try this, I have nothing to lose. And it worked so well, than not only I could get what I wanted and how I wanted it, but she opened up and is exploring wild fantasies now! We have never been more in sync than now!


Wait, so you have a magical pill to fix all that ails the marital bedroom and you've been holding out on us. you could be a millionaire in a week.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

We all have needs, but your post kind of reads like you want a programmable sex android. 

Have you gone to a sex therapist with her, or let her attend some classes alone first, so she gains some confidence? 

She is who she is. Sure, she can learn if she's willing, and it seems like she wants to try. Maybe she doesn't want to do these things as much as you think, but feels pressured to. She wouldn't be the first woman in history to be in the situation.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Sounds like it's all about pleasuring you. You're pressuring her to "perform." I agree with the previous poster, sounds very robotic and unloving.


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

bankshot1993 said:


> Wait, so you have a magical pill to fix all that ails the marital bedroom and you've been holding out on us. you could be a millionaire in a week.


It was a miracle for me...maybe it can help others. Plus I'm already a millionaire, so I'm not going to bother with writing some stupid book. :grin2:


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

Jessica38 said:


> Sounds like it's all about pleasuring you. You're pressuring her to "perform." I agree with the previous poster, sounds very robotic and unloving.


Yes its about pleasuring him. He is saying he has not gotten any satisfaction in the bedroom in 5 years. It's not about his wife who is very sorry about this but can't do anything. She offered to let him have affairs...

He is about to leave his wife of 5 years because SHE is a robot in the bedroom, not the other way around.

He probably came out a little too technical in explaining himself, but basically he is saying that his wife does not care for sex, and he does a lot. I'm not siding with him because I'm a man...but I see the problem.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> Yes its about pleasuring him. He is saying he has not gotten any satisfaction in the bedroom in 5 years. It's not about his wife who is very sorry about this but can't do anything. She offered to let him have affairs...
> 
> He is about to leave his wife of 5 years because SHE is a robot in the bedroom, not the other way around.
> 
> He probably came out a little too technical in explaining himself, but basically he is saying that his wife does not care for sex, and he does a lot. I'm not siding with him because I'm a man...but I see the problem.



Maybe his wife doesn't care for sex because HE is not any good at sex. Maybe she doesn't really try to please him as he can't or doesn't please her. Can't expect her to jump through hoops when she gets nothing in return. Sex is not all one sided, and the OP may say that his wife get's off during sex, but I'll let you in on a little secret, people lie. I faked orgams with my husband for years and he was non the wiser. It's really not hard for a woman to do.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> Jessica38 said:
> 
> 
> > Sounds like it's all about pleasuring you. You're pressuring her to "perform." I agree with the previous poster, sounds very robotic and unloving.
> ...


Actually, he said his wife is trying very hard to please him.

And sex should be mutually fulfilling- it is not about only "pleasuring him." Maybe if he focused more on making the experience more intimate and enjoyable for her, she'd feel more relaxed and let it come more naturally? Just throwing out ideas. I know that the experience the OP described didn't sound natural at all. It sounded forced.


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## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

What do you do to please her, initiate foreplay with her? Do you kiss her a lot, give her something to get her into it? Or is it more like she starts off with such a bad attitude it won't work?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its possible, we need the OP to comment. 

Other possibilities are that he does his best but doesn't know what pleases her, or that she doesn't enjoy se for some other reason.


You mention that you faked for years. If his wife has been doing that, he might honestly think he is being a good lover because she has never told him otherwise. 

I've sometimes wondered if my wife has been faking for many years, and that is why she doesn't like sex much. I offer to do anything she wants, but that doesn't prove anything - except that faking is probably never a good idea because it doesn't fix the underlying problem. 





Daisy12 said:


> Maybe his wife doesn't care for sex because HE is not any good at sex. Maybe she doesn't really try to please him as he can't or doesn't please her. Can't expect her to jump through hoops when she gets nothing in return. Sex is not all one sided, and the OP may say that his wife get's off during sex, but I'll let you in on a little secret, people lie. I faked orgams with my husband for years and he was non the wiser. It's really not hard for a woman to do.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> OMg I have the PERFECT solution for you man! But I cant say it here cause I would be kicked out of this forum. It's too grafic!


What the F is this? Fermat's Last Orgasm? 
"I have discovered a truly marvelous demonstration of this perfect solution that this forum is too prudish to contain..."


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Your ages.
> 
> Children?
> 
> ...


She is 34, I'm 38. 

She wants kids, badly, and the clock is tickin'. I'm hesitant, because I'm unhappy. At this point I want to give her children, for her, not because I actually want them with her. I don't want to divorce her and ruin that chance for her. I have a child from a previous marriage so I don't absolutely need another. Been there, done that. 

We have been married for 5 years, together for 6. 

I was previously married. My wife was not. My wife had 2 long term adult relationships, one involved an engagement. Both long term relationships ended with sexual dissatisfaction being one reason why. 

She has never confided in me about any sexual abuse. So many women have been that it's possible, I have never directly straight out asked her. 

She can orgasm. But, only through the use of one specific toy. Which we haven't had that long. Couple years maybe. Before that no she couldn't.


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

*I'm going to try and answer all the questions I saw. Apologies if I missed something. Thank you for your suggestions, I appreciate them all. *

We have been married for 5 years. We abstained from all forms of sex until we were married. We have both had sex with other partners, my wife wanted to wait. I wasn't thrilled about it but I loved her and she was worth the wait. So obviously this was not an issue before we married. 

Before I met my wife, single or not, I didn't go a week without sex. So it was hard to go from frequent sex to nil. My wife wanted to wait. She didn't hide her past from me. She told me that she'd had problems in the past and didn't think she was good at sex. I interpreted that as no one took the time to teach her, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I have had a lot more partners than my wife, and she was worried that she'd be the worst I'd have. That's kind of where we are now... 

My wife had two long term adult relationships, one engagement. She said there was sexual dissatisfaction in both of those relationships. She had a couple long term high school relationships as well but I barely count those, teenagers don't have a clue what they are doing. After her engagement ended she slept around with some men. In her words: to see if something was wrong with her. She's had 10 partners, including myself. 

I didn't watch porn during the first 3 years of our marriage. We were trying so often that I didn't need it. In the last year it has increased. I do NOT expect my wife to act like a porn star, nor do I want that. Self-pleasure is more satisfying than sex with my wife. 

My wife has never said or shown that she is bored. She will have sex whenever I ask. She tries anything that I want to try. She's very submissive (not into BDSM). We don't have sex very often anymore, she still initiates. She will randomly initiate. The other day I was cooking dinner and she came into the kitchen, got down on her knees and gave me a BJ. 

When I said switch it up I meant not to do the same motion the entire time. With a BJ use her hands, tongue, change pace. Same with sex. 

We use to have a lot of foreplay. I don't anymore because I honestly was tired of putting in work for no reward, so to speak. I could flirt, dirty talk, tease, massage her during the day and work up to sex. Then a lot of teasing and foreplay to get her going more. She'd be really turned on but her performance didn't get better. Honestly, I don't do it much anymore. It wasn't helping at all. She was more turned on, but that's all that changed. 

I can lay off on the masturbating and see if that helps. I barely masturbated in the first years of our marriage and we still had this problem but I will try it again. 

My wife knows that I'm dissatisfied. I try to tell her that I'm not, when she asks, but she's not that stupid. She gets quite frustrated with herself when she can't do something right. Generally she only gets frustrated when she tries to give me a HJ, BJ or be on top. Things where she has to put in work. But even in positions were she can move with me, she cannot get into the same rhythm and gets frustrated there too. Partly because she knows I'm unhappy, and partly because she's uncomfortable as well. She has said that HJ's feel awkward and uncomfortable for her and she can never get it right. 

I do try to make her feel as sexy as possible. She is. I make sure to compliment her whole body, we try different toys and lingerie. She will try anything that I want her to. She has suggested things as well, it's not only me coming up with ideas. 

Orgasms for her are a bit trickier. She cannot orgasm through penetration, which is fine many women can't. She doesn't like to touch herself, she has never been able to get herself off with her hands. Clitoral stimulation with her fingers feels okay but cannot get her off. Vibrators give her small orgasms. Not very strong and lasts only a second. Neither she nor I have been able to stimulate her g-spot. I have never had that problem before. I know all the tips and tricks, we've tried different toys. It's like she doesn't have one, though I don't think that's possible. The only way she can have a strong orgasm is from one sex toy that has suction rather than a vibrator. Just checked, it's called 'the womanizer'. That is the only way. She gets so sensitive after doing it once that she's done after that. No penetration can happen. So she has to use it after penetration. Can't use it during sex, because of the design. I go down on her a lot and it clearly feels good for her but I can never get her over the edge. 

She 100% prefers anal to vaginal penetration, which I have never had a woman like that before. I'm not a fan of anal, but we do it sometimes. She says it feels significantly better than vaginal penetration. She doesn't want to do it a lot because she knows that I don't like it. 

Putting a blindfold over her eyes does help her a bit. She relaxes more. It doesn't really help with technique, but does help her enjoy it more. 

My wife has watched some 'light' porn videos. She said she wanted to learn how to do things better. I didn't really like her watching, because I don't want her to get the wrong ideas. I never criticize her for doing something 'wrong'. She can tell when I pull back, or by my facial expression, and obviously when I start losing my erection. 

She has had the same problems with every man she has been intimate with. She said the only time she didn't feel inadequate is when she had a random hookup with a man who just wanted to stick his **** somewhere. He just needed her to be there, not to do anything. Of course she felt like crap after for other reasons but in the moment there was no pressure on her to do anything. So she could have performance anxiety. It's been happening for so long though that I don't know if she could break the cycle. 

I don't want her to be a sex robot, quite the opposite really. I can predict exactly what she is going to do all the time. She can be spontaneous, but I once it starts I know how it will go. 

Many times I focus only on her, no penetration. I love making her feel good and if I want to I can cum from just pleasing her. It's more relaxing, she doesn't have to do anything, nothing is being ruined. But it's not ideal for the rest of our lives. And she WANTS to please me as well. 

Don't get me wrong. I feel terrible about even posting this. She is an amazing wife and woman. No one is perfect but she is damn close. Anyone would be lucky to have her in their life. I desperately want to have a good sex life with her. I want to be in love with her, not just love her. I don't want her to feel poorly about herself.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

To me, this is the critical issue. I don't know if it is the cause of anything else, but its something that needs to be resolved. You don't want children, she does - recipe for disaster. 



marriedmarc said:


> \
> SNIP
> 
> She wants kids, badly, and the clock is tickin'. I'm hesitant, because I'm unhappy. At this point I want to give her children, for her, not because I actually want them with her. I don't want to divorce her and ruin that chance for her. I have a child from a previous marriage so I don't absolutely need another. Been there, done that.
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Just picking one part of your post. 
Foreplay should be for both of you, not just something you have to do. A lot of men really enjoy getting their partners extremely aroused before sex. Is it possible she is picking up on your not really enjoying it, and that results in her not really enjoying doing things for you?





marriedmarc said:


> *
> snip
> We use to have a lot of foreplay. I don't anymore because I honestly was tired of putting in work for no reward, so to speak. I could flirt, dirty talk, tease, massage her during the day and work up to sex. Then a lot of teasing and foreplay to get her going more. She'd be really turned on but her performance didn't get better. Honestly, I don't do it much anymore. It wasn't helping at all. She was more turned on, but that's all that changed.
> snip
> *


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

uhtred said:


> To me, this is the critical issue. I don't know if it is the cause of anything else, but its something that needs to be resolved. You don't want children, she does - recipe for disaster.


I don't _not_ want more children. Before we married I was more than happy to have kids with her, if that's what she wanted. For me it's more of a take it or leave it. I'm ok either way. But I don't want to bring a baby into an unstable marriage. I've done that once before, I don't want to do it again.


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Just picking one part of your post.
> Foreplay should be for both of you, not just something you have to do. A lot of men really enjoy getting their partners extremely aroused before sex. Is it possible she is picking up on your not really enjoying it, and that results in her not really enjoying doing things for you?


I love doing things for her. It's the only good part of our sex life at this point. I've always loved it, with her and other women. I should do it more, though. I stopped within the last year. I do sometimes still do foreplay, but not enough. It wasn't affecting her abilities either way. 

She can tell that when she goes down on me that I'm not that into it, I try it's just so boring... I hate saying that. I wouldn't be surprised if that makes her hate doing things for me, but it has always been this way. We've never had good sex, foreplay or not.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

marriedmarc said:


> She 100% prefers anal to vaginal penetration, which I have never had a woman like that before. I'm not a fan of anal, but we do it sometimes. She says it feels significantly better than vaginal penetration. She doesn't want to do it a lot because she knows that I don't like it.


This seems important. I don't think I've ever heard this from a woman. Is her performance different during anal? What about double penetration with a finger for anal, have you tried that with her? 

Maybe there's a medical reason for her lacking enjoyment of PIV vs anal.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I'd strongly recommend getting videos from the Sinclair institute. A sex therapist recommended it and women really connect with them. My W is still after many decades very vanilla but we are working hard the last few years to change the dynamic. There are many similarities except she gives great bjs and it's her favorite thing and I'm trying hard to return the favor but she has a mental block on that. Anyway I'm not complaining but saying many couples have all kinds of disconnects and work through them.

Pm me and I can send a sample of the Sinclair stuff if you want. I'd recommend a bundle. Watch with her and she can see real couples having and enjoying sex. Then you can talk about what you see. Sometimes the couples are doing something for the first time and then talk about it afterward. So it is real, it's non threatening, its instructional and it resonates. Maybe it will mark a turning point for her


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> This seems important. I don't think I've ever heard this from a woman. Is her performance different during anal? What about double penetration with a finger for anal, have you tried that with her?
> 
> Maybe there's a medical reason for her lacking enjoyment of PIV vs anal.


She seems more relaxed and it's clear that she enjoys it more. Her moaning sounds real and not forced. If we're in a position where she can, she touches me a lot more. We tried to use a small toy during sex for double penetration but we both found it uncomfortable. I could feel it and it hurt her. The odd time that she masturbates with a toy, it will be anally way more often than vaginally. I have tried a finger during sex but it didn't really do much for her. 

She has seen 2-3 doctors in the last few years to have that area checked out. She asked if there was a reason she didn't have a lot of sensation and nothing was found.


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I'd strongly recommend getting videos from the Sinclair institute. A sex therapist recommended it and women really connect with them. My W is still after many decades very vanilla but we are working hard the last few years to change the dynamic. There are many similarities except she gives great bjs and it's her favorite thing and I'm trying hard to return the favor but she has a mental block on that. Anyway I'm not complaining but saying many couples have all kinds of disconnects and work through them.
> 
> Pm me and I can send a sample of the Sinclair stuff if you want. I'd recommend a bundle. Watch with her and she can see real couples having and enjoying sex. Then you can talk about what you see. Sometimes the couples are doing something for the first time and then talk about it afterward. So it is real, it's non threatening, its instructional and it resonates. Maybe it will mark a turning point for her
> 
> ...


Thank you, I will look into those videos. My wife has tried to watch porn to learn (which isn't a good idea) and said she could never find anything real or gentle enough, maybe those will help.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think that you have this picture in your head of what the 'perfect' woman would be like in bed and she cant and never will live up to that because its not realistic. It must be so hurtful for her to have tried so hard, and been so willing, only to have had you abandon her to cheat with women in porn. How tragic that she feels like such a failure that she has even suggested that you go elsewhere for sex. Poor woman. 
Be grateful for her, be thankful for her good qualities, accept her as she is and stop being discontent. You chose to marry her the way she is. 
She shouldn't have to want to do all the thinks that you want, maybe she hates 'talking dirty' maybe its not her, maybe she doesn't like oral sex, we are all different. You need to be more in tune with what SHE wants and doesn't want and likes and doesn't like, and take you mind off yourself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You say you cant be in love with her but you love her. I would still be in love with my husband even if we could never have sex again.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

marriedmarc said:


> She seems more relaxed and it's clear that she enjoys it more. Her moaning sounds real and not forced. If we're in a position where she can, she touches me a lot more. We tried to use a small toy during sex for double penetration but we both found it uncomfortable. I could feel it and it hurt her. The odd time that she masturbates with a toy, it will be anally way more often than vaginally. I have tried a finger during sex but it didn't really do much for her.
> 
> She has seen 2-3 doctors in the last few years to have that area checked out. She asked if there was a reason she didn't have a lot of sensation and nothing was found.


Well for whatever reason, she's more connected during sex when there's anal play. Perhaps there should be equal focus on exploring this aspect of your sex life relative to fixing her lack of passion. According to you she's putting plenty effort into piv sex for your sake, how does your effort with anal play compare?

Also, how does she explain the lack of enjoyment during piv? Does it hurt? Where/how? What about it makes it uncomfortable? What about the anal makes it more pleasurable?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> You need to be more in tune with what SHE wants and doesn't want and likes and doesn't like, and take you mind off yourself.


Why? It can just as reasonably be: She needs to be more in tune with what HE wants and doesn't want and likes and doesn't like, and take you mind off herself.

Ideally, they may _both _need to work to make each other happy.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> It was a miracle for me...maybe it can help others. Plus I'm already a millionaire, so I'm not going to bother with writing some stupid book. :grin2:


*Then if it's so graphic to post here in the forum, just do him a favor and send your earth-shattering solution to the original poster by TAM's IM!*


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

For the love of Godiva chocolate, please don't have children with her because you feel bad for her, sorry for her, or because her clock is ticking. You may think they're all noble reasons, but they honestly aren't and when she finds out the real reason you agreed, she will feel like a pity case for her life. She'll go pour her soul into her children because inside she knows you weren't really interested or invested in them, and you'll wonder why you have an even more emotionally distant and absent wife...

Have children because you are on FIRE to have them. With her. Because you love her and you want to create something that is a symbol of that love.
And if that's not how you feel, then she's not the woman you should be having children with.

I'm truly sorry if that all comes off as harsh, but it is my truth.


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I think that you have this picture in your head of what the 'perfect' woman would be like in bed and she cant and never will live up to that because its not realistic. It must be so hurtful for her to have tried so hard, and been so willing, only to have had you abandon her to cheat with women in porn. How tragic that she feels like such a failure that she has even suggested that you go elsewhere for sex. Poor woman.
> Be grateful for her, be thankful for her good qualities, accept her as she is and stop being discontent. You chose to marry her the way she is.
> She shouldn't have to want to do all the thinks that you want, maybe she hates 'talking dirty' maybe its not her, maybe she doesn't like oral sex, we are all different. You need to be more in tune with what SHE wants and doesn't want and likes and doesn't like, and take you mind off yourself.


She wants to try everything. She has clearly expressed that she wants to give me HJ's and BJ's because she wants to make me feel good. She has clearly expressed that she wants to dirty talk but she doesn't know what to say and when she does she is too awkward to pull it off, making her feel more awkward. I'm not forcing her to do anything. There are things that we have tried, she didn't like and we haven't done again. I don't want a personal sex slave... 

There is no such thing as perfect. I have been with many women. They were all different, all had different likes and dislikes. I absolutely do not expect her to be perfect. What I want is to have sex with her and feel satisfied after, not disappointed and unsatisfied. Yes, I chose to marry her but I didn't know it would be this bad. Had we had sex BEFORE we married, to be honest, I don't think marriage would have happened. 



Diana7 said:


> You say you cant be in love with her but you love her. I would still be in love with my husband even if we could never have sex again.


Until you are in that situation and a male, you really don't understand. 



Keke24 said:


> Well for whatever reason, she's more connected during sex when there's anal play. Perhaps there should be equal focus on exploring this aspect of your sex life relative to fixing her lack of passion. According to you she's putting plenty effort into piv sex for your sake, how does your effort with anal play compare?
> 
> Also, how does she explain the lack of enjoyment during piv? Does it hurt? Where/how? What about it makes it uncomfortable? What about the anal makes it more pleasurable?


I'll be honest, she puts in more effort for PIV than I do for anal. I really don't like it, I find it gross but it does feel good. That is something that I need to do for her more. Anal would allow her to use the one toy that gets her off. I'll do that more for her. 

As best as I can remember... PIV hurts in the beginning right when I go in. After a few seconds it doesn't hurt anymore. She does grab me pretty hard at the beginning and slowly loosens up. The pain is on the outside, afterwards it burns when she pees. It's a tiny tear that she gets every time. Her doctor said she has weak tissue there (perenium?) and in childbirth the doctor guaranteed she'd tear bad. It only hurts the first few seconds, then she says it's totally fine. She doesn't hide pain well so I can tell she isn't lying. She said she had that problem with previous partners as well. After a few seconds when the pain stops and I'm fully inside her she basically says that she can feel me inside her but it feels like nothing, no pleasure, no pain, no discomfort, just "there's something inside me". She is probably the tightest woman I've been with. With anal she says it feels really good. A lot of feeling and sensation. Compared to not feeling anything really with PIV.


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

Satya said:


> For the love of Godiva chocolate, please don't have children with her because you feel bad for her, sorry for her, or because her clock is ticking. You may think they're all noble reasons, but they honestly aren't and when she finds out the real reason you agreed, she will feel like a pity case for her life. She'll go pour her soul into her children because inside she knows you weren't really interested or invested in them, and you'll wonder why you have an even more emotionally distant and absent wife...
> 
> Have children because you are on FIRE to have them. With her. Because you love her and you want to create something that is a symbol of that love.
> And if that's not how you feel, then she's not the woman you should be having children with.
> ...


No, you are right. I can't have kids with her when I don't want to for the right reasons.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> You say you cant be in love with her but you love her. I would still be in love with my husband even if we could never have sex again.


Majority of men are programmed different. Unfortunately we hold sex way up on the list for how good a relationship is. 

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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

marriedmarc said:


> I'll be honest, she puts in more effort for PIV than I do for anal. I really don't like it, I find it gross but it does feel good. That is something that I need to do for her more. Anal would allow her to use the one toy that gets her off. I'll do that more for her.
> 
> As best as I can remember... PIV hurts in the beginning right when I go in. After a few seconds it doesn't hurt anymore. She does grab me pretty hard at the beginning and slowly loosens up. The pain is on the outside, afterwards it burns when she pees. It's a tiny tear that she gets every time. Her doctor said she has weak tissue there (perenium?) and in childbirth the doctor guaranteed she'd tear bad. It only hurts the first few seconds, then she says it's totally fine. She doesn't hide pain well so I can tell she isn't lying. She said she had that problem with previous partners as well. After a few seconds when the pain stops and I'm fully inside her she basically says that she can feel me inside her but it feels like nothing, no pleasure, no pain, no discomfort, just "there's something inside me". She is probably the tightest woman I've been with. With anal she says it feels really good. A lot of feeling and sensation. Compared to not feeling anything really with PIV.


Yeah I don't think I would be that much into piv if it didn't feel awesome having it in there. I can see how there's a lack of rythm if she's not feeling anything. If one has never felt the goodness of the ****, how does one figure out how to ride it? My partner could just be laying in there without any movement and that alone feels incredibly good. The doctors weren't able to label her problem but clearly her body is indicating that something is different down there.

It wouldn't hurt to just work with what you guys have going on, the anal. That area of your sex life shows promise and focusing the conversation on improving that aspect could help her feel better about the situation. And take some pressure off her with the piv. Because I don't know how she's been able to be such a good sport about it for this long. What could she do to help you get over the gross feeling? There's so many anal toy options, it wouldn't hurt to keep looking. Besides toy shopping is fun!


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Hey OP, I just did a quick search and I see quite a few reports from women who complain of no pleasurable feeling during piv. One woman compared penetration to having a finger slid in n out in her ear, she knows it's there and can feel the motion but no pleasure.

And I also see reports about perineum tears after sex however all the posts I read were accompanied by utis or yeast infections. Good that this is not the case for you guys.

So see, it's not just your wife. This issue is very real whether or not the doctors can provide an explanation. 

You guys are open with each other, honest and both love each other. A good recipe for finding creative solutions to work around this problem. Maybe the trick is a different approach to sex, less focus on pic, more emphasis on anal play etc. You're not the only one being disadvantaged here so time to step away from the victim role and hopelessness. It could be worse, you could be in a sexless marriage and your wife could not give a ****. Just take a look in the forum and see how many threads come up with that very topic. Your wife is willing, use that to your advantage and experiment.


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

marriedmarc said:


> No, you are right. I can't have kids with her when I don't want to for the right reasons.


My wife does not want kids. I didn't at first, now I would be happy to have them and I told my wife. She said that she would have them because of me.
Well that doesnt lay a good ground for motherhood! lol
Dont have kids to make your partner happy.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

My w had bad deliveries including surgeries and she risked dying of blood loss. For about 15-17 I respected her difficulties with PIV as a result. During that time she likely had vaginal atrophy. Add to that age and lack of lubrication. Plus, on a whim due to a TAM thread I did "the dollar bill challenge" but misinterpreted (assumed girth rather than length) and found I am particularly girthy. I get that guys want this and women allegedly prefer this but it ain't so.

The result is patience and work. PIV was very uncomfortable a year ago. Now - after I learned to slow down and she learned to relax and her vajayjay had time to adjust, PIV is much better. But it takes time.

The only reason I go into this is to point out that all you hear and read ignores all the couples working on this. It's more in the norm than you think.

You have a good woman willing to do the work. So keep up hope and have patience 


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Why not schedule some sessions with a licensed sex therapist?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Juice said:


> Majority of men are programmed different. Unfortunately we hold sex way up on the list for how good a relationship is.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk


As do I but my love for him isnt conditional on how he 'performs' in sex.

I hope that poor lady can find a man who loves her for who she is and not love her or not based on her 'performance' in bed. So sad.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

If sex is painful for your wife than that is not normal and she needs to see a doctor to help solve that problem. It's not suppose to hurt. 

As for her not being able to give you a good BJ or HJ, have you ever considered that maybe you are not explaining what you want from her in a way that she can grasp it and understand. Some people have very poor communications skills and struggle to get things across to other people, especially when it's a sensitive subject as telling your wife how to give you a BJ as she sucks at it.

This poor woman sounds like she has tried so hard to please you , but constantly gets shot down with negativity and disappointment that It would not surprise me if she has grown resentment for you and frankly doesn't really care anymore. If she is not emotional connected to you, and feels safe and secure, her interest in sex is going to be low.

She may very well just be "pretending" to try in order to keep you around for fear of losing the marriage.

I think your expectations are way to high, and that your brain has been polluted with porn sex,(Even if you don't watch it now, the images you have seen stick with you) which has caused you to have an unrealistic expectation of what married sex between a couple should be. I think you have this picture in your head of what sex should be like that you are unable to enjoy real sex if it falls short of your expectations.

Are you even sexually attracted you your wife? Are you excited when you have sex with her? Do you get aroused easily with her? If you are not than I could see how you are having a hard time getting off.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

OP. I'm in a similar situation with my wife. When we have sex it's the same routine over and over. She has too many rules can't do this or that which only leaves a few things and before you know it turns into stale boring sex.



Your wife may be boring but at least she goes all out to try and pleasure you and that's shows that she really cares. That's something my wife lacks. She could care less about my feelings.

I think you should listen to the other posters focus on pleasuring her and get the instructional vids.



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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> If sex is painful for your wife than that is not normal and she needs to see a doctor to help solve that problem. It's not suppose to hurt.
> 
> As for her not being able to give you a good BJ or HJ, have you ever considered that maybe you are not explaining what you want from her in a way that she can grasp it and understand. Some people have very poor communications skills and struggle to get things across to other people, especially when it's a sensitive subject as telling your wife how to give you a BJ as she sucks at it.
> 
> ...


Daisy, I so agree with you, especially about the porn part. People seem to forget that these people in porn are acting. Its not real life and it makes people discontent with their own partners. Discontentment is poison to a marriage. I cant see this marriage lasting which is sad. I would never leave someone just because they weren't living up to my distorted sexual expectations. What sort of love is that? Its not real love at all. 
What if his wife had an accident and couldnt have sex again, would he abandon her? Probably. :frown2::frown2:


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Watch the Sinclair videos and schedule an appointment with a sex therapist. If there isn't any improvement after about 6 months, you'll have to decide if you're willing to live with unsatisfying sex for the next 2-3 decades or so.

Personally, I would be angry if I were you. She had 10 sex partners between a LTR, an engagement, and some more casual partners. Her relationship and her engagement ended at least partially due to bad sex, and she then decides to abstain from sex while dating you??? Really??? Hmmm, maybe she didn't want to have premarital sex with you because she realized the bad sex would be a dealbreaker and she wanted you locked down first.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

maybe shes in the closet?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Daisy, I so agree with you, especially about the porn part. People seem to forget that these people in porn are acting. Its not real life and it makes people discontent with their own partners. Discontentment is poison to a marriage. I cant see this marriage lasting which is sad. I would never leave someone just because they weren't living up to my distorted sexual expectations. What sort of love is that? Its not real love at all.
> What if his wife had an accident and couldnt have sex again, would he abandon her? Probably. :frown2::frown2:


There is nothing "distorted" in wanting a sexual partner who can give decent oral or manual, and who is capable of cowgirl. These things are pretty much in the bare minimum category. I don't think it's too much to ask to have a partner who actually enjoys sex on a carnal level and has at least some skill.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Diana7 said:
> 
> 
> > Daisy, I so agree with you, especially about the porn part. People seem to forget that these people in porn are acting. Its not real life and it makes people discontent with their own partners. Discontentment is poison to a marriage. I cant see this marriage lasting which is sad. I would never leave someone just because they weren't living up to my distorted sexual expectations. What sort of love is that? Its not real love at all.
> ...


I wholeheartedly agree with you. There is nothing distorted about wanting a sexual partner you connect with physically enough to have satisfactory intimacy with. There are just some people you don't fit with and have chemistry with, it's a mismatch. That sounds like the case here.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I wholeheartedly agree with you. There is nothing distorted about wanting a sexual partner you connect with physically enough to have satisfactory intimacy with. There are just some people you don't fit with and have chemistry with, it's a mismatch. That sounds like the case here.


I agree. 

Is it worth a divorce though? Everything else is perfect.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

He says he's not in love with her and losing attraction. I guess it depends on if one wants to sign up for the rest of their life with someone they don't have a satisfying sex life with.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Juice said:


> I agree.
> 
> Is it worth a divorce though? Everything else is perfect.
> 
> ...


That's like saying "This bucket is great except for the hole in the bottom."

For a lot of people, sexual satisfaction is a vital component of a romantic relationship.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> That's like saying "This bucket is great except for the hole in the bottom."
> 
> For a lot of people, sexual satisfaction is a vital component of a romantic relationship.


I hear ya. I'm in the same boat. We have kids though and I always debate is it worth me ruining a family because I want a better sex life.

It sounds pretty selfish on my end.

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## DangerDad (Mar 28, 2017)

OP, sounds to me like you may be more the problem than she is. 

You say she is "on board" with trying anything you want, she just doesn't do it the way you like. 
You say she "tries" to learn, but can't, without considering who is teaching her, you. 
You say she is 100% more into anal, yet you don't like it, so you rarely do what she enjoys. 

If you truly wanted to "fix" the situation you would try to please her, which means 100% anal, since that is what she prefers, then work from that. 

I would be willing to bet she has never had a man give her exactly what she wants, which means she has no idea how to give a man exactly what he wants, since she has never experienced it herself.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Juice said:


> Is it worth a divorce though? Everything else is perfect.


Yes, it is worth divorcing over.

No sex or only bad sex tends to taint everything else over time. Even if everything else is perfect now, it won't stay that way if the sex is continuously unsatisfying. If the bridge is rusting, best to fix it before it collapses. Saying "it works perfectly to allow me to cross the chasm today" ignores the likelihood that it will fail later. Waiting for failure to occur before fixing it makes fixing it harder.


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## DangerDad (Mar 28, 2017)

Holdingontoit said:


> Yes, it is worth divorcing over.
> 
> No sex or only bad sex tends to taint everything else over time. Even if everything else is perfect now, it won't stay that way if the sex is continuously unsatisfying. If the bridge is rusting, best to fix it before it collapses. Saying "it works perfectly to allow me to cross the chasm today" ignores the likelihood that it will fail later. Waiting for failure to occur before fixing it makes fixing it harder.


That's one way to look at it. Another way to look at is, if the bridge were well maintained to begin with, it would not be rusting and in disrepair, so no need to replace it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

@marriedmarc if initial penetration has always been painful for your wife, that in and of itself is likely enough to skew her desire and libido for sex. Most women would describe anal as uncomfortable or painful, so for whatever reason you wife experience more discomfort and pain with PIV.

Meanwhile you mentioned that doctors have indicated that part of her vaginal lining or opening is thin and subject to tear. To me this part seems as though it would indicate some form of hormone deficiency. Generally speaking young women with healthy hormone levels have a thick and healthy lining to their vaginas. Upon aging and going through menopause the vagina becomes starved of hormones and the lining of the vagina begins to become thin. A problem that runs parallel to hormonal starvation of the genitals for females is urinary incontinence. Does you wife experience any difficulties holding her urine when she really has to go pee?

Another tell tale sign of hormonal starvation of the female genitalia would be a burning sensation when urinating after sexual intercourse. This is because the lining of the vagina is thin and does not provide as much protection for her urethra. 

So I would take her to a doctor and encourage her to have her hormones tested! 

In the meantime if she is unwilling to do that, male semen also contains hormones (testosterone). Frequent contact with your semen on her genitalia can mitigate some of her problems as your hormones are absorbed by her body and help stimulate/maintain healthy tissue growth in that area. While that may seem gross, studies have found that women incapable of producing their own hormones later in life still maintain healthy vaginal linings as well as urinary continence if they remain very active with their male partners at least once a week or more on average. 

You can read more about this in Masters & Johnson's Human Sexual Response.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> Watch the Sinclair videos and schedule an appointment with a sex therapist. If there isn't any improvement after about 6 months, you'll have to decide if you're willing to live with unsatisfying sex for the next 2-3 decades or so.
> 
> Personally, I would be angry if I were you. She had 10 sex partners between a LTR, an engagement, and some more casual partners. Her relationship and her engagement ended at least partially due to bad sex, and she then decides to abstain from sex while dating you??? Really??? Hmmm, maybe she didn't want to have premarital sex with you because she realized the bad sex would be a dealbreaker and she wanted you locked down first.


I have mixed feelings about her desire to wait until marriage to have sex. She thought that if we had a solid relationship first, then introduced sex it would be better. She said she didn't want sex to ruin the relationship. In the beginning we were only going to wait a few months, and it kept getting pushed back. It did bother me that she had sex with other men (I didn't know the number until after we were married, didn't care to know), even men she didn't know but wouldn't do it with me. I loved her, I wanted her to be comfortable and in my head she was worth the wait. I wouldn't do it again. I think there was a part of her that thought if we were married I'd stay regardless.


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

badsanta said:


> @marriedmarc if initial penetration has always been painful for your wife, that in and of itself is likely enough to skew her desire and libido for sex. Most women would describe anal as uncomfortable or painful, so for whatever reason you wife experience more discomfort and pain with PIV.
> 
> Meanwhile you mentioned that doctors have indicated that part of her vaginal lining or opening is thin and subject to tear. To me this part seems as though it would indicate some form of hormone deficiency. Generally speaking young women with healthy hormone levels have a thick and healthy lining to their vaginas. Upon aging and going through menopause the vagina becomes starved of hormones and the lining of the vagina begins to become thin. A problem that runs parallel to hormonal starvation of the genitals for females is urinary incontinence. Does you wife experience any difficulties holding her urine when she really has to go pee?
> 
> ...


She has never said anything about urinary incontinence. She has no problem sharing info like that so I think she would have told me. She has said that after sex it burns when she pees but only were she tore. She gets a little nick almost every time, regardless of foreplay and lube. It's not a size issue because she has had it with every man she's slept with, smaller and larger than me. 

She has had her hormones tested, everything came back normal. Hopefully nothing goes wrong with her hormones because she cannot have one of them, I can't recall which. She had seizures from birth control pills that they traced back to one of the hormones. She has an IUD now. 

My wife doesn't like when I cum inside her, she doesn't like that it 'leaks' out throughout the day. 9 times out of 10 she either wants me to pull out and cum on her clit or in her mouth. Which is a bit on the odd side but I'm not complaining about that. If it would help maybe she'd get more on board.


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

DangerDad said:


> OP, sounds to me like you may be more the problem than she is.
> 
> You say she is "on board" with trying anything you want, she just doesn't do it the way you like.
> You say she "tries" to learn, but can't, without considering who is teaching her, you.
> ...


This is fair. You're right, I'm complaining that she *can't* do what I like and here I am a man who *won't* do what she likes. She at least tries. I do my best to avoid anal. I find it gross, the poop is my hangup. I know that she prefers it but even now if I ask her if she wants to do it that way she says no because she knows I don't want to. I have to change that. Wearing a condom helps with the 'uck' factor to me. She doesn't like cum inside her either so a condom would help that. 

She might do better if she has something to look forward to. PIV doesn't feel good for her so there is nothing to work towards, so to speak. She could use a toy while doing anal and probably have a really good orgasm. 

I don't know if it has anything to do with anything but her first time having sex was anal. The guy that she was with preferred anal and that's almost all they did. I don't think that would have influenced having no pleasure from PIV, but maybe.


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> Hey OP, I just did a quick search and I see quite a few reports from women who complain of no pleasurable feeling during piv. One woman compared penetration to having a finger slid in n out in her ear, she knows it's there and can feel the motion but no pleasure.
> 
> And I also see reports about perineum tears after sex however all the posts I read were accompanied by utis or yeast infections. Good that this is not the case for you guys.
> 
> ...


My wife has made a very similar analogy before. It wasn't the ear I don't think but exact same idea. At least it's not just her I suppose... She has said she has tried to find info online and never can and she thought she was the only woman on the planet who didn't like PIV sex. 

Because you mentioned yeast infections I remember my wife saying something. She goes to the doctor once a year to get checked out down there. Each time she has said the doctor said she might have a yeast infection but then the test comes back negative. Maybe the tests just aren't coming back correct. She has never been diagnosed with a yeast infection or UTI. 

You are right that I need to get over it and focus more on anal. That is what she likes. If I want her to do what I like I need to do what she likes. It could be worse, and she could not give a crap.


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

Daisy12 said:


> If sex is painful for your wife than that is not normal and she needs to see a doctor to help solve that problem. It's not suppose to hurt.
> 
> As for her not being able to give you a good BJ or HJ, have you ever considered that maybe you are not explaining what you want from her in a way that she can grasp it and understand. Some people have very poor communications skills and struggle to get things across to other people, especially when it's a sensitive subject as telling your wife how to give you a BJ as she sucks at it.
> 
> ...


Sex for my wife is only painful in the first few seconds, after that she does not have any pain. Doctors haven't found anything wrong other than weak tissue in the area between the vaginal opening and butt. Which is where it hurts for those first few seconds. 

When I'm trying to explain something to her I put my hands over hers to do the motion for her, she can't keep it up once my hand is off. For BJ's same idea, if I put my hands on her head to control her head she can't keep up after my hands are off. I like when she uses her tongue as well, obviously I can't coach her on that but we can never get it right. My wife has blamed my number of partners on that. That I have too many people to compare her to and I want the best parts of all of them. 

She is the same outside of the bedroom. I can try and explain something to her and she just doesn't get it. She can read the same thing over and over and have no clue what she just read. She cannot hold onto information. 

I don't expect her to act like a porn star, at all. I never have. 

I'm attracted to my wife. I think she's sexy and I get turned on but I don't want to have sex with her. The sex has been so disappointing that I don't have very strong urges to have sex, with _her_. Sex is more about getting it over with now. It was NOT always like that. That's a more recent development. She can arouse me without a problem but then I start losing the erection or just cannot get off.


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> maybe shes in the closet?


That would be the last guess I'd ever come up with. She doesn't have many female friends, has always had more male friends. She didn't like when I told her I had slept with two women at once (she asked). She didn't like when I said it would be hot to see her with another woman, she immediately shut that down. She's a crap liar. No part of me would guess that she's lesbian, or even bi.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Regarding anal, she should try an anal douche which only rinses the rectum. A couple of squirts of warm water should clean the area. Google "clean stream enema bulb" it's a simple bulb.

That way you can set aside your concerns and develop her confidence. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Regarding anal, she should try an anal douche which only rinses the rectum. A couple of squirts of warm water should clean the area. Google "clean stream enema bulb" it's a simple bulb.
> 
> That way you can set aside your concerns and develop her confidence.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I'll look into that. It would probably make her feel more comfortable, maybe me as well.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

marriedmarc said:


> When I'm trying to explain something to her I put my hands over hers to do the motion for her, she can't keep it up once my hand is off. For BJ's same idea, if I put my hands on her head to control her head she can't keep up after my hands are off. I like when she uses her tongue as well, obviously I can't coach her on that but we can never get it right. My wife has blamed my number of partners on that. That I have too many people to compare her to and I want the best parts of all of them.
> 
> She is the same outside of the bedroom. I can try and explain something to her and she just doesn't get it. She can read the same thing over and over and have no clue what she just read. She cannot hold onto information.


So, she has no sense of rhythm, and difficulty learning/retaining knowledge. Can she dance? Perhaps it would be worth trying lessons? If she can dance, she can learn sex. How about playing music with a suitable rhythm to help her synchronize? She can't do it on her own, but music may do the trick, and is great with sex anyway.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I believe the rhythm issue is confidence. She likely feels silly or pornographic or simply is worried about ruining your pleasure.

Have you tried reverse cowgirl? There you can actually grab her hips and physically move her. You can feign real pleasure while doing it and tell her to "keep doing that - it's amazing...". Give her the sensation of moving the way you want and pretend she's doing it and encourage her.

Talk about it afterward about how sexy it was seeing her hips move that way. Maybe even get a suction cup dildo and put it in the tub, have her squat down on it and literally have her slowly do it. Tell her you know she doesn't get much out of PIV but you want to watch her that way while you masturbate or get a hi or bj.

Just an idea


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

> My wife has blamed my number of partners on that. That I have too many people to compare her to and I want the best parts of all of them.


Is she right? Maybe your wife knows your sexual history and is nervous that she will not get it "right". Her self confidence is probably shot all to h*ll.

Or maybe she is not good at sex, or at least the kind of sex you want and you two are just not compatible. If you are in this marriage only for the sake of the kids and are unhappy and have withdrawn from her sexually, which I guarantee you will withdraw emotional too if you haven't already, tell her the truth about how you feel about this. Make sure she understands outright that you are unhappy with sex, and she can't seem to get it right and it has come to the point that you no longer want to have sex with her. Let her decide what she wants to do, but be prepared that she may want a divorce. Or maybe she will be fine with that and has be waiting all these years for you to give up and stop expecting her to perform for you. A sexless marriage may be what she is after.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

marriedmarc said:


> She has never said anything about urinary incontinence. She has no problem sharing info like that so I think she would have told me. *She has said that after sex it burns when she pees but only were she tore.* She gets a little nick almost every time, regardless of foreplay and lube. It's not a size issue because she has had it with every man she's slept with, smaller and larger than me.
> 
> *She has had her hormones tested, everything came back normal.* Hopefully nothing goes wrong with her hormones because she cannot have one of them, I can't recall which. She had seizures from birth control pills that they traced back to one of the hormones. She has an IUD now.
> 
> My wife doesn't like when I cum inside her, she doesn't like that it 'leaks' out throughout the day. 9 times out of 10 she either wants me to pull out and cum on her clit or in her mouth. Which is a bit on the odd side but I'm not complaining about that. If it would help maybe she'd get more on board.


If things have ALWAYS been that way with her, then I really have no further advice. 

I will offer you one more possibility. If your wife likes anal it may be possible that she has a mild but yet chronic bacterial infection in her vagina. This would cause her vaginal lining to be rather sensitive and irritated upon penetration. Generally speaking something of this nature would likely show up in her OBGYN visits because the doctor would notice that something is irritating her. 

Now that she has an IUD, does she still make regular visits to her OBGYN? I know with an IUD that one can tend to have it placed and then forget about everything as there is nothing really prompting visits to the OBGYN anymore.

Badsanta


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

marriedmarc said:


> Because you mentioned yeast infections I remember my wife saying something. She goes to the doctor once a year to get checked out down there. Each time she has said the doctor said she might have a yeast infection but then the test comes back negative. Maybe the tests just aren't coming back correct. She has never been diagnosed with a yeast infection or UTI.


Maybe there is more to this. The doctor must be recognizing some kind of irritation to suggest a yeast infection. Perhaps she may be sensitive to something in her environment that is causing vaginal irritation? It may seem unlikely especially considering one doc said she has weak tissue plus it's been this way her whole life but it doesn't hurt to consider all possibilities.

Part of the reason I say this is because one of my girlfriend's is insanely sensitive. She only realized the cause of her issues through trial and error. In order to enjoy sex she and her partner absolutely must shower right before sex, and she, after as well. It has restricted their sex life significantly but it's better than dealing with the irritation and infections that plagued her before. The cause of which went undiagnosed by doctors, just drugs for treatment.


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> So, she has no sense of rhythm, and difficulty learning/retaining knowledge. Can she dance? Perhaps it would be worth trying lessons? If she can dance, she can learn sex. How about playing music with a suitable rhythm to help her synchronize? She can't do it on her own, but music may do the trick, and is great with sex anyway.


I have never seen her dance or been able to get her to dance. Not at home, parties, weddings. Even for our wedding she wouldn't dance. We had a first dance but it was just a typical 'slow dance'. We tried lessons for a bit but she quickly wanted to stop. I could try music, we often have some on but I don't pick out a specific rhythm.


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

Daisy12 said:


> Is she right? Maybe your wife knows your sexual history and is nervous that she will not get it "right". Her self confidence is probably shot all to h*ll.
> 
> Or maybe she is not good at sex, or at least the kind of sex you want and you two are just not compatible. If you are in this marriage only for the sake of the kids and are unhappy and have withdrawn from her sexually, which I guarantee you will withdraw emotional too if you haven't already, tell her the truth about how you feel about this. Make sure she understands outright that you are unhappy with sex, and she can't seem to get it right and it has come to the point that you no longer want to have sex with her. Let her decide what she wants to do, but be prepared that she may want a divorce. Or maybe she will be fine with that and has be waiting all these years for you to give up and stop expecting her to perform for you. A sexless marriage may be what she is after.


I don't think so. I can recall specific women who were very good overall or at specific things, but I'm not comparing my wife to them. My wife does know my sexual history. She asked and I was quite hesitant to give it to her but she wanted it. She didn't know until after we were married and having sex. She knew it was higher than hers but didn't know how many times it multiplied her number. She thought her 10 was high. In hindsight I probably should have refused to tell her. 

We don't have kids together. She wants kids, and I have one from a previous marriage but we have none together. On that front there is nothing tying me to her. She knows that I'm unhappy with our sex life. Over the last year she has asked quite a few times if I want those needs met somewhere else. "massage parlours" are legal here and she told me to go if I wanted to but not to tell her. I won't do that to her. If it comes to that then we need to divorce.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Hey OP, here's another site I came across where women talk about experiencing similar issues: perineum cuts after sex - Women's Health - MedHelp.

One lady mentioned the use of dilators combined with massage to prep before penetration and another said her doc gave her a cream to treat the irritation. I think it would be good to share this kind of info with your wife so she can stop feeling so crappy about her piv experiences. It may help her learn more about her body.


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

badsanta said:


> If things have ALWAYS been that way with her, then I really have no further advice.
> 
> I will offer you one more possibility. If your wife likes anal it may be possible that she has a mild but yet chronic bacterial infection in her vagina. This would cause her vaginal lining to be rather sensitive and irritated upon penetration. Generally speaking something of this nature would likely show up in her OBGYN visits because the doctor would notice that something is irritating her.
> 
> ...





Keke24 said:


> Maybe there is more to this. The doctor must be recognizing some kind of irritation to suggest a yeast infection. Perhaps she may be sensitive to something in her environment that is causing vaginal irritation? It may seem unlikely especially considering one doc said she has weak tissue plus it's been this way her whole life but it doesn't hurt to consider all possibilities.
> 
> Part of the reason I say this is because one of my girlfriend's is insanely sensitive. She only realized the cause of her issues through trial and error. In order to enjoy sex she and her partner absolutely must shower right before sex, and she, after as well. It has restricted their sex life significantly but it's better than dealing with the irritation and infections that plagued her before. The cause of which went undiagnosed by doctors, just drugs for treatment.


She does still go to the doctor yearly for tests. I will have her look into those suggestions. Maybe a new doctor is needed. She has seen 2-3 different ones but maybe they missed something.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

marriedmarc said:


> She knows that I'm unhappy with our sex life. Over the last year she has asked quite a few times if I want those needs met somewhere else. "massage parlours" are legal here and she told me to go if I wanted to but not to tell her. I won't do that to her. If it comes to that then we need to divorce.


This sound like she doesn't want to have a good sex life with you, she just wants you to be satisfied so you wont leave it her. No woman that really loves, or desires their man sexually, mentally, emotionally would tell them to go get a happy ending. The thought of another woman touching my DH sexually upsets me greatly. I want to give him his happy endings.

Is she finacial dependant on you, does she have a fear of being alone?

Without her going to see a sex therapist to address some of her issues she sounds like she will be content to continue with the bad sex, as you are not asking for it very often and to bury her head in the sand while you go to massage parlours for happy endings. 

The only question is do you want to live like that for the rest of your life?


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> Hey OP, here's another site I came across where women talk about experiencing similar issues: perineum cuts after sex - Women's Health - MedHelp.
> 
> One lady mentioned the use of dilators combined with massage to prep before penetration and another said her doc gave her a cream to treat the irritation. I think it would be good to share this kind of info with your wife so she can stop feeling so crappy about her piv experiences. It may help her learn more about her body.


Thank you for that. I'll show it to her. Hopefully it will help her.


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

Daisy12 said:


> This sound like she doesn't want to have a good sex life with you, she just wants you to be satisfied so you wont leave it her. No woman that really loves, or desires their man sexually, mentally, emotionally would tell them to go get a happy ending. The thought of another woman touching my DH sexually upsets me greatly. I want to give him his happy endings.
> 
> Is she finacial dependant on you, does she have a fear of being alone?
> 
> ...


I think she has just given up, TBH. The first years of our marriage she never mentioned that or would have. She thought those types of places were disgusting, she hated how many people I had been with and was jealous of that. She didn't want me to spend time around women I've had sex with. In the last year or so she's gotten over that, and started suggesting this. 

I am not going to do it. Though there is a part of me that almost thinks she would be relieved. No more pressure/stress on her. Sometimes I wonder if I should lie and say I tried it, then take care of myself. I am not getting anything from another woman while I'm married. I vowed to be faithful to her and I'm not breaking that. Occasionally the insecure part of me wonders if she's getting her needs met elsewhere, especially in the last year. But I don't think that's likely. 

I can suggest a sex therapist to her. We have never discussed that. I see them more as people there to help rape victims and the like. Maybe it's something to look into for her/us. 

She is not financially dependent on me. She has a good job and we're about equal in terms of salary. There is no real reason for her to feel like she HAS to stay with me. All I can think of is that she wants kids and being in her mid 30's, doesn't exactly have time to find a new husband and have kids. She has always been adamant that she didn't want kids after 35-36, which is right around the corner.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

marriedmarc said:


> She does still go to the doctor yearly for tests. I will have her look into those suggestions. Maybe a new doctor is needed. She has seen 2-3 different ones but maybe they missed something.


Also try this as it can not hurt. Go get an over-the-counter blood glucose testing device (they are now about $9 in walmart) and check your wife's blood sugar throughout the day and see where it is. 

In the event her blood sugar is abnormally high, this adds a tremendous amount of stress on her reproductive system. She may not have a yeast infection, but her immune system that keeps everything in check may not be able to function normally. This could result in a constant imbalance of her natural bacteria that cause her to be chronically irritated. 

It can not hurt to check her blood sugar and find out that it is normal. You can also check your blood sugar as well. The chance one of you would discover that there is a problem would drastically improve you ability to begin making some lifestyle changes and become much more healthy. 

As a side note, I do not know what kind of lube you are using, but if you have never tried coconut oil (the kind you buy at the grocery store to cook with) to help alleviate some of her issues, you should definitely try that. Apply some regularly to her, even if you have to do so in a nonsexual context. This should help her not feel so irritated and perhaps help that area of her body to become more healthy and receptive to normal lovemaking. 

The two of you should read up on coconut oil and the vagina together. You can find all sorts of testimonials about it all over the internet. If she suffers from any type of imbalance that causes irritation, this should help.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

marriedmarc said:


> I have mixed feelings about her desire to wait until marriage to have sex. She thought that if we had a solid relationship first, then introduced sex it would be better. She said she didn't want sex to ruin the relationship. In the beginning we were only going to wait a few months, and it kept getting pushed back. It did bother me that she had sex with other men (I didn't know the number until after we were married, didn't care to know), even men she didn't know but wouldn't do it with me. I loved her, I wanted her to be comfortable and in my head she was worth the wait. I wouldn't do it again. I think there was a part of her that thought if we were married I'd stay regardless.


This is a terrible sign. To her, sex is not something pleasurable that binds a couple together. To her, sex is about power and control. Anyone who says they don't want sex to ruin the relationship and then does not want to hump like a bunny once they get married has a very negative view on sex. The only "good" reason for the other person to want to defer sex is because the person knows they love sex so much that once they start having it, they will become emotionally bonded to their partner. So they want to get to know their partner before sex becomes its own bonding agent. But that is not your wife, because even after you got married she still did not want much sex with you.

I strongly suspect she has been molested as a child, raped, or been the victim of some other form of sexual assault. Or was brought up in a family where sex was treated as being bad and wrong and evil. It will take ALOT of work on her part to overcome that negative programming. it will not be fun for her. She has to want it for herself, because she wants to enjoy sex with her husband. If she does it just to keep you form leaving she will likely resent you even more for making her go through that painful process.

I feel for you. No painless choices here. You have to fish or cut bait. Which means she has to fish or cut bait. You are a caring person and you hate having to make this choice, and make her make this choice. Sorry, there is no way to avoid it if you don't want to spend the rest of your life learning to hate her more and more every day.


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## Finwe (Nov 5, 2015)

This is baffling to me. It appears that the sex is bad due to technique, (potential medical issues aside). If my wife would do to me what your wife did to you in the kitchen- It would have put a smile on my face for a year. 

Some folks say sex is 100% between the ears, however, I suspect that it is more of a ratio, maybe 75% mental and 25% physical. Different in every relationship, of course.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Finwe said:


> This is baffling to me. It appears that the sex is bad due to technique, (potential medical issues aside). If my wife would do to me what your wife did to you in the kitchen- It would have put a smile on my face for a year.
> 
> Some folks say sex is 100% between the ears, however, I suspect that it is more of a ratio, maybe 75% mental and 25% physical. Different in every relationship, of course.


I know it must be hard for those in sexless relationships or who go without certain acts to understand, but unfulfilling, unsatisfying, or just plain bad sex can be just as frustrating and miserable as nothing at all.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Finwe said:


> This is baffling to me. It appears that the sex is bad due to technique, (potential medical issues aside). If my wife would do to me what your wife did to you in the kitchen- It would have put a smile on my face for a year.
> 
> Some folks say sex is 100% between the ears, however, I suspect that it is more of a ratio, maybe 75% mental and 25% physical. Different in every relationship, of course.


I agree x10. I think OP is lucky from all the things his wife does for him. If my wife attempted any of this stuff he's telling us I'd be doing cartwheels for weeks and I can't even do a cartwheel. On top of all this he says she smoking hot. 

She pretty much does everything! OP I'd say try to keep working with her and eventually it should sync. Someone mention dance lesson that's a great start. My wife and I took some and it's fun.

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## DangerDad (Mar 28, 2017)

OP, you said: 

"This is fair. You're right, I'm complaining that she *can't* do what I like and here I am a man who *won't* do what she likes. She at least tries. I do my best to avoid anal. I find it gross, the poop is my hangup. I know that she prefers it but even now if I ask her if she wants to do it that way she says no because she knows I don't want to. I have to change that. Wearing a condom helps with the 'uck' factor to me. She doesn't like cum inside her either so a condom would help that."

My suggestion is you research anal sex and anal play more, there doesn't really need to be any "poop" involved, if preparations are taken beforehand. My wife and I have been having and BOTH enjoying anal for years, there never is any "poop" involved. 
Also, my wife also enjoys anal as much or more than vaginal sex, she says her orgasms from anal are much stronger than from PIV sex. 

Do a little research and educate yourself on anal sex and anal play, you are totally misunderstanding what is possible if you are thinking "poop" is involved. 

Good luck


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

marriedmarc said:


> That would be the last guess I'd ever come up with. She doesn't have many female friends, has always had more male friends. She didn't like when I told her I had slept with two women at once (she asked). She didn't like when I said it would be hot to see her with another woman, she immediately shut that down. She's a crap liar. No part of me would guess that she's lesbian, or even bi.


Some people are so distrought about being gay that they repress it and live a straight life style . Maybe never having to courage to come out. Some are married for years before they come to the realization that their miserable living in the closet.

Alot of times these people even act repulsed at the mention at anything remotely gay.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Seizures can cause permanent damage. You said she had a severe reaction and a seizure. Is it possible her problem remembering things and her inability to keep a rhythm are due to brain damage from her seizure? If her memory problem isn't severe and no one ever asked her about rhythm, perhaps whatever damage done was subtle and overlooked.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

OP, I was in a long term relationship with a man who was very much like you are describing. He just lacked passion and skill and no amount of talking or teaching made any difference. He was willing to try, to change, to improve...but he just never did (or could?)

Between that experience and reading a lot and hearing the experiences of others IRL and online, I've realized that he (and probably your wife) just simply wasn't that good at sex. There is no real reason, just a lack of skill, I guess. In my partner and in most stories like this I've heard of, there is also a sort of general lack of passion sexually, and in the rest of life, too. Like sex and other pleasures are just not that high on their priority list, though they like it and do want to have it.

I've never really read any stories like this where the passion lacking partner has significantly improved. However, I have read lots of stories where the non-passion lacking spouse just made sex better for themselves anyway. There were various ways this occurred, but mostly it had to do with self love, self servicing, and acceptance that their spouse loves them and is doing their best.

If she never improves, hopefully you can come to a place like that. I was not able to in the relationship I mentioned above, but I also was not very tolerant and was incapable (at the time) of figuring out how to self love and self service myself into a better sex life.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Do NOT have kids with her. Then you are trapped by your own sympathy / sensitivity.

If she is in her 30s and wants kids, divorce her so she is free to have them with someone else. And you are free to find a compatible sex partner.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

DangerDad said:


> That's one way to look at it. Another way to look at is, if the bridge were well maintained to begin with, it would not be rusting and in disrepair, so no need to replace it.


But it is rusting and in disrepair. And she doesn't seem interested in maintaining it. The question is whether bad sex, by itself, is worth divorcing over. Of course making the sex into good sex is a better outcome, but some spouses are not interested in making sex better. They just want the unhappy spouse to accept that the sex will always be lousy and move on. Except they don't want the unhappy spouse moving on to another partner. They just want the unhappy spouse to focus on other issues besides sex.

Is it worth divorcing over your spouse telling you "I know you are unhappy, but can't you just ignore that and focus on making ME happy"? No shame in thinking it is.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife and I have been married for 43 years. Lots of sex. My wife has no rhythm, can't dance, can't give a hand job, or a blow job worth a darn. Oh well. My wife feels little sensation from her vagina. It never bothered me, because I've always been a clitoris guy. On our second date I spent hours massaging her and making sure she had a good orgasm from massaging her clitoris. Vaginas are great but clitoris is where all the action is, or should be as far as I'm concerned. 

After my wife and I got married she often read erotic stories out loud while I gave her long massages, and performed oral sex on her. At first she was hesitant about receiving oral sex since she couldn't give back worth a darn, but I convinced her getting to watch her responding so wildly was all I needed to get me ready.

Massages or Whatever foreplay, I never had sex with her until after she had at least one orgasm. Then I always made sure to continue massaging her clitoris while having sex with her. Sex is an art. Be an artist. 

It was fun discovering which erotic stories turned my wife on best. 

Have fun


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## marriedmarc (Mar 27, 2017)

For the past few days I have been having anal sex with my wife twice a day and she has been a lot happier. That might be what I have to do to keep her happy, and me. She was able to use a toy during penetration so she had orgasms during sex for the first time. Maybe in time it will get better for me as well.


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