# Dealing with depressed wife's affair



## pocket (Oct 24, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for over 17 years and have two teenagers. I have been home with the kids since they were born and she was the one working outside the home. This started out of necessity and continued because she begged me to stay home to keep things running smoothly. It's been frustrating, but I felt like the financial sacrifice was worth it for a less stressful life. She has always been flirtatious with other guys, and I have often tried to explain to her that guys will get the wrong idea and she will get in trouble one day. She always told me I was wrong and that guys didn't look at her that way. 

After "chasing away" about a dozen different guys during our marriage, she started a new friendship about two years ago. I had finally had enough and decided not to chase this guy away because, due to his profession, he was about as safe a guy as you could imagine. I felt her pulling away from me during last summer, and into the fall she spent all her time with him. After Christmas I finally started to wake up and started pushing her to back away from him. After weeks of her telling me they were just friends she admitted they were having an affair. My mind started spinning and I could not have made it through without knowing I had to keep it together for me kids.

She tried to leave me for him, but then he told her that was never the plan and that he was in love with someone else. This pushed her to suicidal thoughts and she has started getting treatment and counciling for depression. She is still living at home, and 7 months later she is still fixated on how he treated her and that she feels worthless and unimportant. I have tried to keep things together at home. Our kids don't know and I am trying to support her while she deals with the depression.

I am scared because I don't know how much more I can take. All the horible things I was feeling has faded into a kind of numbness that never goes away. I feel SO isolated and like I am living a lie. I have taken steps to be able to support myself and my kids if she leaves, but the kids will be crushed if they find out. 

How do I balance supporting my wife as she fights her depression with me trying to keep my own sanity?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

pocket said:


> My wife and I have been married for over 17 years and have two teenagers. I have been home with the kids since they were born and she was the one working outside the home. This started out of necessity and continued because she begged me to stay home to keep things running smoothly. It's been frustrating, but I felt like the financial sacrifice was worth it for a less stressful life. She has always been flirtatious with other guys, and I have often tried to explain to her that guys will get the wrong idea and she will get in trouble one day. She always told me I was wrong and that guys didn't look at her that way.
> 
> After "chasing away" about a dozen different guys during our marriage, she started a new friendship about two years ago. I had finally had enough and decided not to chase this guy away because, due to his profession, he was about as safe a guy as you could imagine. I felt her pulling away from me during last summer, and into the fall she spent all her time with him. After Christmas I finally started to wake up and started pushing her to back away from him. After weeks of her telling me they were just friends she admitted they were having an affair. My mind started spinning and I could not have made it through without knowing I had to keep it together for me kids.
> 
> ...


You are supporting your wife because she is depressed because some other man dumped her? She is not depressed because of her betrayal to you? She is not sorry about having an affair? She is only feeling bad because of the other guy? Why do you even care? 

This isn't about you. Her depression isn't about you. Her love isn't about you. How do you keep your sanity? By seeing it for what it is and letting go of the burden of nursing her "depression" over some other guy. That's the easy part. The hard part is convincing you of the reality of what I just said.

She does not appreciate you. She does not respect you. Once she gets over her "depression", she will likely find someone else to cheat with. Are you going to settle for that?

I truly am sorry for what you are going through. The key here is to look out for yourself. To find your own individual confidence. To get yourself financially secure and serious consider divorcing your cheating spouse. Sadly, it is that simple.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

You might need to ship her to her parents for awhile. Or if she is truly that depressing, maybe have her commited. This is too much weight for you to carry as a BS. It is hard enough to continue a marriage with a WS that is remorseful about their actions. I could not imagine dealing with the depression of losing an AP. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Do you live close to extended family?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

It pains me to say that I'm just no where near as nice a guy as you are. Frankly, if it were me, I wouldn't care if she came out of the depression or not. The damage she did to you pails in comparison to what she is going through. I would have left and let her chips fall where they may. (What I really wanted to say would have gotten me banned)


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Your kids are teenagers, why the heck are you still a stay at home dad?

Search the internet and see just how low of an opinion working wive's have of their stay at home husbands.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You may have to "shock" her out of the depression and file for divorce. Another stay at home dad it just happens way too often sorry bro how much more can you take?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She is heart broken that the love of her life, the man she adored, the man she planned to spend her life with rejected her.

She trashed you, your kids and your marriage for this guy without a second thought and you say she has always chased after other men.

You cannot continue to be the one who supports her. She has huge problems that are not going to be solved by your support. Depression is a symptom, not the causal problem. If you truly want to help her you have to file divorce and get her into a mental health facility.

She is circling the drain and if you do not cut ties with her, you are going down with her.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Her depression has nothing to do with her. you are there or not she will be depressed because she feels depression not because she cheated you, not because she betrayed her children not because she betrayed her family its because her OM dumped her after seven months. You can cure the depression only by convincing OM into a relationship with your wife and you remaining home as a babysitter and a cuckold.If you can do this then do, if not file for D and find a job. you cannot help her out of this depression.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

This is too much for a person to carry; much less you who has been betrayed by your own wife!

I think it would be best to get her out of your house right now. You have to take care of yourself and your kids. 

Her depression over this man rejecting her? Ask yourself what you would say to a friend going through the same thing: it sounds like this: My wife flirts and I have had to fend off other men for years. Now; she is immobilized with depression because ANOTHER MAN she was having an affair with rejected her. Should I care enough about her sadness to keep her around?

My answer would be absolutely not. This s*it is all on her. She has to deal with the fallout of her choices and what SHE has done. 

Please get yourself away from this unhealthy situation. Stand up for yourself!


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

One other thing: that was her fvcking job to keep men away from her; not yours to continually "run them off" for her. She has not been a good wife for years now and checked out especially when she started her affair. Are you sure she hasn't had more than just this one?

Anyway, I will repeat this: take care of yourself now!


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

5Creed;
Please get yourself away from this unhealthy situation. Stand up for yourself![/QUOTE said:


> :iagree:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Triggery thread for me.
That was my wife. MOM dropped my wife on DDay like a bad habit. She was destroyed, suicidal. After 1 week of paralysis and taking care of her I realized I had no marriage anymore, I toke care of the house and children, started to detach and planned the unavoidable: Divorce.
Three months after DDay things were mostly arranged to proceed with it, I was focused in my future as a coparent. Then, only then, when the loss was too much for her my wife started awakening, being more herself, asked me to stop the plan for a while. Only then I knew I had nothing to lose and decide to hear her. I sensed genuine remorse, she distmantled slowly the affair in her head, the stupid romantic fantasies, she got her head off of the ass. The self pity disappeared and her attidude was consistent with genuine remorse. Her actions intended to make amends.

Sadly your situation is not like mine. Your marriage is dead, your wife is not your wife anymore. You need to proceed with the divorce.

Sorry man.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

I want to jump down your throat, but you're hurting enough already. Do you think that you deserve to be treated like a POS doormat, or do you believe that you deserve better? 

You don't have to file right away, but go see a lawyer ASAP to learn your rights. Your kids are teens...go get a job. Your W is a trainwreck, and you can't depend on her any longer to pay the bills. Let some other chump help her "recover" from getting dumped by the OM.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Agree with all the posters here. And my advice would also be to go for divorce.

Except....

How bad is the depression?

Can you speak to her doctor and therapist to find out how they think you handing her divorce papers would affect her?

If they think it is no biggie then I would go ahead and file.

If they think that it may be a severe blow to her and very adversely affect her then I would suggest holding off if you can. Use the time to find a job, get the rest of your 'stuff' in order, see a lawyer etc.
Once she is well enough to take it start proceedings to divorce her. I know a lot of people on here will disagree with this but despite what she has done she is still a human being, and the mother of your children.

One question, have you exposed the affair to the POSOM's partner?

Don't you think she needs to know the sort of person she is dealing with?
Plus it would pay him back for the months of hell he has put you through.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

*13 times* her actions indicated that her instincts drove her to seek out a male who fit into her idealized image of a man, someone who, at least on the outside, appeared to be a provider. She said she wanted a nanny, to you, but her heart drove her to seek a classic "male". I'm not taking a position on whether this is fair or not, but I certainly am telling you what the reality on the ground is; women do not, in the long run, respect stay at home dads. They will act like they do, but they don't. This is not what they dreamed about as a child, when they envisioned marriage and a family.

You need to look after your two teens and yourself. If she's still suicidal then get her admitted to intensive psychological care with the assurance that when she gets better she will be single and free to pursue as many male friends as she likes.

You're a family man, and that's good, a lot of woman will find that attractive, but, in the real world, you are expected to be both family man AND provider. So, get a job (as you've said you're taking steps to do) and start focusing on you're own psychological well-being. The teens will be ok.

*You have a lot of life ahead of you; start living it.*


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## pocket (Oct 24, 2012)

Thank you to everyone for the quick replies. There are always details and facts that cannot be explained completely on a message board, but trust that I am not blindly trusting that everything will be fine if I just stick it out. She has a lot to fix but right now my kids well-being is my first priority. I was just hoping to find some suggestions for how to work through my frustrations while I gave my wife, the woman I have been with for over half my life, a chance to save herself from the depressions she has been fighting her whole life. 


survivorwife said:


> You are supporting your wife because she is depressed because some other man dumped her? She is not depressed because of her betrayal to you? She is not sorry about having an affair? She is only feeling bad because of the other guy? Why do you even care?


I care because We have loved each other for over 20 years. I know she she made some hurtful choices. She choose to leave me and our kids. She has been fighting this depression since she was a teen, but this affair sent her over the edge. She is not simply upset because he dumped her. She has said how terrible she feels about what she did, about how she betrayed me and the kids. I can see how much it hurts. She totally deserves any pain she feels, but I won't intentionaly add to that pain. 


5Creed said:


> One other thing: that was her fvcking job to keep men away from her; not yours to continually "run them off" for her. She has not been a good wife for years now and checked out especially when she started her affair. Are you sure she hasn't had more than just this one?
> 
> Anyway, I will repeat this: take care of yourself now!


I know I'll get crushed on here for saying this, but I am sure it has never gone this far. I do agree that she has done a rotten job of keeping up boundries between herself and other guys. That WILL change from here on out. I have said that, and she agrees that must happen.


survivorwife said:


> I truly am sorry for what you are going through. The key here is to look out for yourself. To find your own individual confidence. To get yourself financially secure and serious consider divorcing your cheating spouse. Sadly, it is that simple.


 I am preparing for that. I don't want a divorce, but I am realistic that is might happen. I am also realistic that I cannot financially support myself and my kids yet. I am getting everything ready to do that but it will take a few more months before it is ready. I think it would be short-sighted not not use that time to see if my marriage can be salvaged.



WyshIknew said:


> Agree with all the posters here. And my advice would also be to go for divorce.
> 
> Except....
> 
> ...


This is exactly what I am doing...and she knows it. I have been putting money away and finished the last classes I need to get back into teaching, but I cannot start teaching full time until next fall. I subtitute teach and tutor kids after school right now but that is not enough to cover the bills. Her parents have said they will help me stay in our house as long as the kids are in school. She has been fighting this depression since before we met, but this is the first time she has sought help. I assume no one will agree with me, but I will not jump ship if she is making an honest effort to make things right. She has cut off contact, is going to therapy alone and with me, and has opened up about everything. 



WyshIknew said:


> One question, have you exposed the affair to the POSOM's partner?
> 
> Don't you think she needs to know the sort of person she is dealing with?
> Plus it would pay him back for the months of hell he has put you through.


It is very complicated, but the simple version is that he has been carrying on a seperate 10 year affair with another married mother of two. It was was when I found out about her and told her the details that he ran for the hills. It also appears that his other relationship is over because of my contact.



Tony55 said:


> You're a family man, and that's good, a lot of woman will find that attractive, but, in the real world, you are expected to be both family man AND provider. So, get a job (as you've said you're taking steps to do) and start focusing on you're own psychological well-being. The teens will be ok.
> 
> *You have a lot of life ahead of you; start living it.*


I hear you. I know what you are saying is logical. It's just tough to let go of the life I thought I had. This still doesn't seem real. I know it is, but I sometimes feel like it's all just a bad dream. 

Trust that I am moving in the direction you all suggest. I am just not ready to give up on my marriage.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

pocket said:


> It is very complicated, but the simple version is that he has been carrying on a seperate 10 year affair with another married mother of two. It was was when I found out about her and told her the details that he ran for the hills. It also appears that his other relationship is over because of my contact.


Good job,

Hope you had the satisfaction of telling this worthless piece of garbage what you did, or at least that somehow he knows.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Keep your ducks in a row and find a job as soon as possible.

Is she truly remorseful or is she regretful for getting caught? I don't think wife who cries for her OM dumping her is remorseful enough for a true Repair.
Did you done the STD check up? It seems that OM was banging many others.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Depression is the mos prevalent mental disorder in U.S

Depression Most Prevalent Mental Disorder in America - The Tech

A lot of people suffer from depression. Not everyone goes having affairs. 13 guys is a huge f*cking number. This tells that depression is only being used as an excuse by your wife. She finds it very convenient to blame depression for her behavior and you are enabling her thought process. And at some level, you are allowing her to guilt you to stay in the marriage. 

And have you exposed this OM ? He needs to be exposed for having affairs with married women.



> carrying on a separate 10 year affair with another married mother of two.


You need to tell the husband of this woman(even though you told her first). Her husband is in the same position as you are, only he does not know about it yet.

Does your wife's family know about her affairs ?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Depression is the mos prevalent mental disorder in U.S
> 
> Depression Most Prevalent Mental Disorder in America - The Tech
> 
> ...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You may not like what I am gonna say---but once again facts are facts

You have been making excuses for her---for, forever, but that is only part of this mess!!!!!

You have stated you have had to run guys off, who were hard after her----why did you not get some specific boundaries in place

This you also ain't gonna like----you stayed home, and sent her out to work---KNOWING she was gonna be out there day after day with men---KNOWING she had no boundaries, and yet you LET it happen

Yes she is the cheater, and yes she should be treated harshly for what she did---how you handle your specific situation, is up to you---but you brought about much of this by ALLOWING her out there with all these men, and you knew they were chasing her, by your statement, that you had to run a dozen or so men off--------why did these red flags/warnings not sink in to you, the guy she finally did go physical with---why would you assume she wouldn't do anything with him----she had been giving guys the "come on" for years----and there is no disputing that statement---guys do NOT go after women, if they are not given some type of invitation, and once again based on your statements, your wife was flirting/inviting---and you knew it was happening, yet you kept her out there among all those men working----WHY??????


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Have you exposed the oyher affair to the other husband ???
He also deserve to know.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

jnj express said:


> You may not like what I am gonna say---but once again facts are facts
> 
> You have been making excuses for her---for, forever, but that is only part of this mess!!!!!
> 
> ...



Must admit these were my thoughts too jnj. Kept chasing off guys and then sending her out to work again.

A little like trying to put out a fire with petrol (gas for USA).

However if she is of a mindset to cheat then almost whatever 
OP did she would find a way.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Pocket



> I assume no one will agree with me, but I will not jump ship if she is making an honest effort to make things right. She has cut off contact, is going to therapy alone and with me, and has opened up about everything.


You assume wrong.

I think you have taken the right steps to kill the A. Get the OM exposed and your wife into counseling with the families support.

Plus you are correcting your lack of dependence long term.

Keep going.

And i hope your wife can fix her issuesto or she is going to lose a great guy and her family.

HM64


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## pocket (Oct 24, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Did you done the STD check up? It seems that OM was banging many others.


That was the first sentence out of my mouth when she first admitted they had been together. All the tests came back clean.



happyman64 said:


> Pocket
> 
> You assume wrong.
> 
> ...


I told her parents when i first found out. She told her sister last week. She has been going to counseling for several months. I have also gone a few times alone and a few times with her. 



jnj express said:


> You may not like what I am gonna say---but once again facts are facts
> 
> You have been making excuses for her---for, forever, but that is only part of this mess!!!!!
> 
> ...


You are saying all the things I have been feeling. I spent the first couple of months after I found out trying to figure out what I did wrong. I tried to find ways to convince her to stay. I've learned that she made these choices. I will not apologize for being the parent at home. I was lax in my effort as a husband, but that is not because she was out working while I have been home working. The solution was not to have me gone more, but to spend more time together as a couple. We drifted apart after 20 years and it remains to be seen if we can start over. 


This was not a guy from work. In fact, none of the guys have been from work. Several of the guys were from church. This is why she said they were "safe". This guy was someone she (and EVERYONE) trusts completely and no one would believe would ever be involved in something like this. 
:allhail: I believe her when she said she didn't believe anything physical could, or would, happen.

I have learned he specifically targeted her from the start. He told her what she wanted to hear for over a year before he got her into bed, and after I started making things difficult he cut her loose. When she tried to run to him he chased her away. I know that she didn't do anything she didn't want to do, and the fact that he lied to her doesn't change what she did or the choices that she made. *She was naive, stupid, thoughtless and selfish.* 

It ended 7 months ago, and she is just now accepting that it was all a lie. She had been holding out hope that he would come for her. She now knows it won't happen. She said as soon as it got physical he totally changed. The EA lasted over a year, but the physical only lasted a few weeks before I stepped in.

I'm not blind. I know I had a role in letting this happen. I know our marriage might not survive. I'll get ready to support myself and the kids while at the same time hoping we can restart our marriage with new boundries and expectations.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I know I had a role in letting this happen.


Yes, you had a role. That role was marrying her and expecting her to be monogamous.


> It ended 7 months ago, and she is just now accepting that it was all a lie


So, she is settling for you ?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She is in depression for seven months means you were tolerating her **** for this long.
She might have snapped into the reality by now if you gave her the D papers with a smile on your face.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

You're eluding to the church pastor, priest, minister, whatever; that doesn't surprise me. Expose him.

T


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Pocket, I am very sorry that you are here, but you only have two choices, stay or go. I know that you love her very much and that she is hurting now but you have to take care of you right now, not her.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Pocket-----now comes the question, since your wife is basically responsible for her A, and it was not work, but guys from her church---why do you really wanna stay with her-----the church situation is a totally different ballgame, and she herself, again obviously was/is inviting males to come after her

I don't care how depressed she was/is/will be-----why do you wanna stay with her----she is not the woman you married 17 yrs ago-----is she even some semblance of that girl, who knew and saw nothing in this world but you----is she anything close to that girl, who was there for her H., and her H. only-----obviously NOT----Why put in all the work, to have this mge continue, she has been trying to land guys for years---you have stopped her, yet she continues, until she finally goes physical, why is that on her part----and can she even be fixed, and does she even wanna be fixed.

I am sure you and your sub--conscious go to war every day---you have visions, you have pain, you trigger----continuing to stay with her, will mean all of your pain and misery stays---is this woman really worth the pain and misery

as an aside---I don't know what state you are in, but here in calif., you will not get a teachers job, there are none, and teachers are still being laid off----as an alternative if the teaching situation does not look good in your state----you might try moving into the field of audiology----If you are interested, P M, and I will explain----audiology is an excellent opportunity for a future career--------good luck in whatever you do, do!!


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## pocket (Oct 24, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Why put in all the work, to have this mge continue, she has been trying to land guys for years---you have stopped her, yet she continues, until she finally goes physical, why is that on her part----and can she even be fixed, and does she even wanna be fixed.


 To say she was trying to "land" guys for years is not correct. It is true that she was trying to get attention from other guys to feel better about herself. She has always been a flirt. Her mother has told me she did that even before we met. My wife never admitted that she was doing that until now. That will change if we have a chance. She has said she wants to change. 


jnj express said:


> I am sure you and your sub--conscious go to war every day---you have visions, you have pain, you trigger----continuing to stay with her, will mean all of your pain and misery stays---is this woman really worth the pain and misery


 There we disagree. Leaving now will not make the pain easier to deal with. If her behaviors do not change then I will leave and not look back. Had I left (or kicked her out) when I first found out then I would not have learned the truth about what happened. That truth has made things easier to deal with. She has ended contact, is seeking professional help, has opened up about the details of the EA and the PA. She admitted it to her little sister and brother-in-law...that is a big deal to me because they assumed I was the problem and she set them straight and admitted to the A.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Pocket.
Good luck to you. I could not personally be the fall back guy. The gernal experience with infidelity would say you are infor mor of the same. Serial cheaters don't easily change. For your own sake, ditch the stay-at-home-dad gig and get a way to support yourself.


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## pocket (Oct 24, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Pocket.
> Good luck to you. I could not personally be the fall back guy. The gernal experience with infidelity would say you are infor mor of the same. Serial cheaters don't easily change. For your own sake, ditch the stay-at-home-dad gig and get a way to support yourself.


I'm not dealing with a serial cheater...she is more of a serial flirt. She accepts that will have to change, that she cannot do that anymore and think it is ok or will be a part of our marriage.



Tony55 said:


> You're eluding to the church pastor, priest, minister, whatever; that doesn't surprise me. Expose him.
> 
> T


It's not that simple and anyone who has been part of a church in a small town knows that. My children have been sheltered from this and I will be very hesitant to blow this up now when she has stopped the A and is trying to do the right things. I see more and more glimpses of my old wife. I know it is taking a long time and she is still thinking very selfishly, but she is taking all the actions I could ask. 

My point when starting this thread was how to balance my frustrations with the understanding that she is trying to work through her 25 year depression and the EA/PA that she now understands was based on lies.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> It's not that simple and anyone who has been part of a church in a small town knows that. My children have been sheltered from this and I will be very hesitant to blow this up now when she has stopped the A and is trying to do the right things. I see more and more glimpses of my old wife. I know it is taking a long time and she is still thinking very selfishly, but she is taking all the actions I could ask.


Has MOW2'sBH been aware of his wife's 10 years affair?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Does she support your decision to keep the affair with a trusted person of influence a secret?

I would hope that as part of atonement she would want to sound the warning bell to other vulnerable females. 

If it is an elder or minister he is likely to be able to cherry pick females that approach him for guidance - and little do they know.


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## pocket (Oct 24, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Does she support your decision to keep the affair with a trusted person of influence a secret?
> 
> I would hope that as part of atonement she would want to sound the warning bell to other vulnerable females.
> 
> If it is an elder or minister he is likely to be able to cherry pick females that approach him for guidance - and little do they know.


She has started talking about wanting to expose him, but I worry about the damage it would do to my kids. They would hate her and it would cause so much turmoil in their lives. I just don't know if it is worth it. My wife want to make him pay, but she just doesn't understand the ramifications of exposure.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

pocket said:


> She has started talking about wanting to expose him, but I worry about the damage it would do to my kids. They would hate her and it would cause so much turmoil in their lives. I just don't know if it is worth it. My wife want to make him pay, but she just doesn't understand the ramifications of exposure.



You are wrong in that she just does not care beyond herself and your actions feed right into that. What she done wrong? Your actions or lack there of have told her that she did nothing wrong. This guy has wronged her and he should pay. Now she is stuck with you for now. He was her ticket out.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposé the scumbag OM. You think you are saving yourself and kids from the exposure, this guy is going to reemptively cut you and your kids down in the community. They will be black balled and never know why, mean whie the OM will be smugly laughing at you.

Dirtbags like him need to be fully exposed as the himand trash they are, especially at the church.

I'd start with the leaders of the church,mind emphasize their wife's coud be next.

Also post the guy to cheatville.com


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Pocket, your wife has devalued you over the years for several reasons. You need to understand that the iron law of female hypergamy means that your wife is going to seek attention (and sperm) from the highest ranking men available. You can rug sweep this, but if you do she'll do it again. You can't maintain your attractiveness indefinitely when the woman is substantially out-earning you, even if it was her idea. It's fighting her limbic system. The limbic doesn't always win in all women, but in your wife's case...We get a new SAHD in here just about every week. 

You need to get a higher rung on the sex rank ladder if you're going to try to stay together. One way to do that is to expose the fake preacher. You'd be amazed at how many of them are in the game to score. You get to be the VICTOR (very alpha) when you lay him low with exposure.

What kind of shape are you in physically? Do women hit on you? Does your wife ever see it? It's time to go to work. In more ways than one.

I highly recommend you read MMSL, both the blog and the book.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like you were overwhelmed with finding out about the affair & then your wife's depression, all while making sure that your children are cared for. Were you able to process your wife's betrayal for yourself in all this? How are you dealing with the fact that she slept with another man?

(Also, I absolutely agree that the H of the W involved in the 10-yr. affair has a right to know what's been going on for so long.)


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

OP, if she still has you dancing on the string after all of this, it is you who needs help with your thought process, not her.
I sincerely hope this is helpful advice.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

boogie110 said:


> Dear Pocket:
> 
> You will not get much support here, I'm sorry and it's very unfortunate. I don't check in as much as I did because of that.
> 
> ...


I like to be dispassionate in my observations and the first thing that people suggest over here is to pull a 180, that in no way equates to divorce and filing for divorce doesn't necessarily mean you have to go through with it. These people have seen so many pockets who come here for advice that they can predict what the OP's spouse is going to do with more accuracy than the spouse herself. You can either take the advice being given or you can choose your own path through this, but its always wise to listen to people who have also been unfortunate to have been cheated on.

-
Observations of a man who has not been cheated on


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Pocket,

I just read that you posted you wanted your old life back and sorry if this has been addressed, but one of the hardest things to accept-and this is whether you divorce or reconcile, is that the old life did not work and is now gone. But, this is only the beginning. It is a shock to have such a big change-up after being married to someone you thought you knew, and were familiar with. Change can be difficult; but it isn't a bad thing all the time. The ways you two were interacting wasn't working. So moving forward, there will be new ways put in place. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but for me personally accepting that I wasn't going to get the same old version of my husband back again-was a hard thing to accept. I wanted to hold on to it, get it back, never let that version of him go that I thought I knew. But for me to get better, I had to let it go.

Whatever you decide is best for you and your wife at this point, going into it with the realization that there will be new rules, new boundaries so to speak and healthier ways to interact with each other is important. And it isn't a negative all the time, but a positive really. Think of it as growing as the person you are into a healthier you.

The old life is gone now. But that does not mean a new and better one won't be yours to have. If you and your wife are still together, then she will hopefully become an improved person through all of this. More importantly, you will too!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

boogie110 said:


> Dear Pocket:
> 
> You will not get much support here, I'm sorry and it's very unfortunate. I don't check in as much as I did because of that.
> 
> ...


Hmm I don't see posters gleefully advocating divorce. Often they recommend that tactic as a useful TOOL that ensures the WS that the situation is serious and serious consequences are eminent. 

*But * even then, it's only _advice_ worthy of consideration, a tactic that an emotionally injured spouse may not have considered as a TOOL. Keep an open mind boogie - we're only on the sidelines.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorrry this kind of cancer has infected your marriage, you know you can cut it out and have a good marriage down the road.

Now that you have been diagnosed, the both of you aren't doing sh1t about it. This is a good lesson here....painful but good, to bad you guys hide it from everyone and don't act on the problem.

Until you both face this as a family and learn from the mistakes, the pity party will continue.

Face this crap head on and learn.....learn from this and you might save your kids from making the same painful mistakes your wife made. WW might even prevent it from happening again.

Maybe your wife can expose this cancer and make the changes...........dude she needs to own her crap before she can make a change.

Its actions that work ....talk is cheap.

The way I see it, its consequences like facing your own sh!t and exposing to others, that lessons can be learned. He r only consequence I see is she got dumped, she need to face the consequences of the pain it causes to the ones that really love and don't use her for sex. I talking you, the kids, and even her folks!

Observations of a man that has been cheated on...and having a damb good R with a women that took action to changing her for her.

Tell your old lady the pity party is over, its time to get down to business and cut this cancer out once and for all by exposing it for what it really was. Sure it sucks for her (being used) but again another consequences that should be opened up like a can of worms and learned from.


Your wife went thru life beliving in rainbows and unicorns, it time she faces the reality of the simple fact that there is only one man in her life that truely loves her and the rest just want sex. Poor girl really believed guys were different!


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Dear Pocket,

Sometimes, people at distance can see better than those who are closer to the scene.

Listen to all these posters. They have huge experience in these kind of affairs.

Do you really believe she is just a flirt? Remember all incidents in past 17 years. Didn't your alarm go off several times?

*A Flirt wouldn't go into depression like this.*

Apart from that - why aren't you behaving like a man? I did the same mistake 20 years ago. I wouldn't have been wiser if I hadn't joined this board. 

few things:
1. Your wife doesn't and will never respect you. 
2. You cannot get her out of her depression. Only the current OM, or a better OM can do that.
3. Hiding behind "Just for the sake of kids..." - Not a valid reason. Many posters on this board use it for validating their behavior.
4. Finally, she wasn't "Just Flirting" with all those guys before and after marriage.

After reading your first post, I was just wondering - How did you chase out the previous OMs?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

pocket said:


> She has started talking about wanting to expose him, but I worry about the damage it would do to my kids. They would hate her and it would cause so much turmoil in their lives. I just don't know if it is worth it. My wife want to make him pay, but she just doesn't understand the ramifications of exposure.


Why does my translator keep saying that you are worried about YOUR reputation, particularly since you are starting in an ego hole by being a SAHD 'particularly in a small town'?

Tell me, if your kids were sexually assaulted by a teacher, would you keep quiet to 'protect your children' ?(a much more rational choice than this)

HE took advantage of your depressed wife by laying the ground work FOR A YEAR and slept with her for 7 months, all the while keeping ANOTHER MARRIED WOMAN for his use. (I am glossing over her responsibility here...but not ignoring it)

Want to wonder how many other women are being worked or screwed by this guy?

Here is my suggestion: Since you seem intent on keeping this a secret, start to keep a cany eye on the rest of the town/congregation.

Hook up with one of the local therapists and have him pay you a referal fee when you see that lost expression in the eyes of the husbands and that 'giddily happy yet guilty look' in the eyes of their spouses. 

Maybe 'depression' and 'esteem' issues are spreading...

If you aren't going to spare anyone your feelings of loss and vulnerabilty, you might as well profit from it.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Your wife wants to destroy the man who took advantage of her (in some ways). It is a healthy sign from her. She is showing remorse, regret and some sense of morality and selflessness (with a soupcon of personal motive, bitterness and vengence).

But you are denying her this progress, while there are also moral reasons to expose this person who is abusing his authority.

Why don't you at least TALK to the boys about this?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She's remorseful? So, is she remorseful enough that she's putting out to you? Or does she remain faithful to the predator pastor that you are protecting?


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## pocket (Oct 24, 2012)

JCD said:


> Tell me, if your kids were sexually assaulted by a teacher, would you keep quiet to 'protect your children' ?(a much more rational choice than this)


You can't be serious.:scratchhead: My wife chooses to have an A, and you equate this with children being sexually assaulted? IF my wife decides to return to our marriage and her role as a mother(she is already spending much more time with the kids), I will not poison the kids relationship with her by spitefully exposing the truth of my wife's actions. The kids will find out the truth on their own if she chooses to leave. 



JCD said:


> HE took advantage of your depressed wife by laying the ground work FOR A YEAR and slept with her for 7 months, all the while keeping ANOTHER MARRIED WOMAN for his use. (I am glossing over her responsibility here...but not ignoring it)
> 
> Want to wonder how many other women are being worked or screwed by this guy?


Not that it makes a big difference, but he slept with her for 4 weeks. It took her 7 months after he dumped her to accept that he was lying to her about his intentions. 

Look, the guy is scum, but he didn't force her to do anything she didn't want to do. Our marriage was falling apart and he took advantage. I will protect my kids now with the hope that they can be spared the feelings of betrayal I feel now. 

I will not sacrifice my kids.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Sacrifice them how exactly? 

It really sounds like you're using them.

Also you're not poisoning anything, your wife is. 

Shes gonna have to tell everyone about her affair when she owns up, and that includes the children as well as they deserve to know. 

Its gonna be much more hurtful to hear it when they're 18 then the ages they are now.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

pocket said:


> I will not poison the kids relationship with her by spitefully exposing the truth of my wife's actions.


Hate to tell you bro' but her relationship with the kids has already been poisoned. Your wife would ditch them in a heartbeat to be with the OM. Cold? Yes, but in her state she's not thinking about anyone else but herself.

I have primary custody of my kids and never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that my ex would leave them. Me? Yes, but not her darling kids. And yet she did.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Hate to tell you bro' but her relationship with the kids has already been poisoned. Your wife would ditch them in a heartbeat to be with the OM. Cold? Yes, but in her state she's not thinking about anyone else but herself.
> 
> I have primary custody of my kids and never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that my ex would leave them. Me? Yes, but not her darling kids. And yet she did.


So you ex wife is she still with the OM? I know I know none of my business or it probably doesn't matter to you but I'm curious


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'll take that as a no.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

pocket said:


> Look, the guy is scum, but he didn't force her to do anything she didn't want to do. Our marriage was falling apart and he took advantage. I will protect my kids now with the hope that they can be spared the feelings of betrayal I feel now.
> 
> I will not sacrifice my kids.


 I was much younger when I learned of my dad's affair and felt a great deal of betrayal toward both of my parents for keep this a secret from me. Keeping such a secret required them to lie to me each time that I asked them what was wrong. Your children are teenagers and are old enough to handle this information, and should not be lied to in order to protect this secret.

In the end they will eventually learn of your wife's cheating and will feel betrayed by both of you for lying to them in keeping this secret. They will also lose respect for you because they will suspect that the real reason that you did not tell them was because you were ashamed that you were staying with an unremorseful cheater that was depressed not because she had cheated on you, but because the other man (OM) dumped her when she was willing to leave you for him.

As a child of a cheater that was lied to by his parents, I call bull to your false excuse for not telling them. You are not doing it to protect them, and they will call you on it one day.


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## pocket (Oct 24, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> So you ex wife is she still with the OM? I know I know none of my business or it probably doesn't matter to you but I'm curious


No, she is not still with him. Of course it matters...if she was still with him then I would not even bother trying to salvage our marriage. When I got involved in Jan, he tried to get her to sneak around and keep him on the side. She wouldn't go for that because she thought they were going to start a life together. He said no, she pushed, he dumped her in March. She has been struggling to accept that he was lying to her ever since. She is starting to understand that he was lying to her from the start. That doesn't excuse what she did or make me feel any better, but it makes a difference to her. 

She was not realistic...The comment below sums it up perfectly


the guy said:


> Your wife went thru life beliving in rainbows and unicorns, it time she faces the reality of the simple fact that there is only one man in her life that truely loves her and the rest just want sex. Poor girl really believed guys were different!


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Uh....my question was addressed to the Count. Sorry for the thread jack though. Do you really believe that your wife was so naive as to believe in rainbows and unicorns? I don't really understand this concept of the Great Fog. it almost sounds like an excuse.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Pocket, it is obvious that you are the second choice for your wife. She only realized that the OM was a liar after he dumped her. The part of her that was willing to leave you and the kids is still there within her. Now, she is still in the pain of her breakup and the OM's betrayal, wallowing in self pity while not thinking much about the pain she inflicted on you. One thing that is consistent is that she is taking you way too granted.

You might still want to reconcile with her after all this. But you need to accept a couple of things. 

You are her backup guy, he second(or eventhird) choice.. She wouldn't still be with you if OM was willing to get together with her. She will never learn to value you while you make yourself available. She successfully manipulated the aftermath of her affair to be about her depression instead of dealing with your pain and her betrayal. 

If she ends up meeting another guy that is willing to be with her(or the OM comes back), she will mercilessly dump you. It is all about her happiness and her emotions. You are disposable side character in her life.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> So you ex wife is she still with the OM? I know I know none of my business or it probably doesn't matter to you but I'm curious


No, he lives a thousand miles away and is probably trying to keep his family together. The ex told me she knew that he would never leave his wife. He was the catalyst that started her downward spiral into slvtdom and multiple OMs.


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## pocket (Oct 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Pocket, it is obvious that you are the second choice for your wife. She only realized that the OM was a liar after he dumped her. The part of her that was willing to leave you and the kids is still there within her. Now, she is still in the pain of her breakup and the OM's betrayal, wallowing in self pity while not thinking much about the pain she inflicted on you. One thing that is consistent is that she is taking you way too granted.
> 
> You might still want to reconcile with her after all this. But you need to accept a couple of things.
> 
> ...


I agree with almost everything you said. I am a sceond choice, but I know that the "first choice" was not reality. The fact is that she is also starting to realize that OM was not a real choice. Do any of us really believe that all didn't "settle" on some level when we got married? 

I do not believe she manipulated the aftermath to be about her depression. I allowed the aftermath to be about the depression because I do not yet believe she has the strength to deal with my pain. I have been trying to get to work on what I saw as depression for a long time. 

I don't know how to withdraw from her without punishing my kids. They have always counted on me being there form them and even more for the past 18 months while their mother was "gone".


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

pocket said:


> I agree with almost everything you said. I am a sceond choice, but I know that the "first choice" was not reality. The fact is that she is also starting to realize that OM was not a real choice. Do any of us really believe that all didn't "settle" on some level when we got married?
> 
> I do not believe she manipulated the aftermath to be about her depression. I allowed the aftermath to be about the depression because I do not yet believe she has the strength to deal with my pain. I have been trying to get to work on what I saw as depression for a long time.
> 
> I don't know how to withdraw from her without punishing my kids. They have always counted on me being there form them and even more for the past 18 months while their mother was "gone".


You can be there for them without being married to a cheater!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

pocket said:


> I don't know how to withdraw from her without punishing my kids. They have always counted on me being there form them and even more for the past 18 months while their mother was "gone".


You do it by tayloring the 180. Your children already know "something" smells very wrong at home, they can sense it, always do. They likely speculate. You can shield them only so far. My children suffered it. My was wife consumed by her affair, she withdrew from her as much as from me. I had to fill the void he left.
She was hospitalized, The tension at home is palpable, they had to change habits, they have been lied and they know it. They ask themselves why, they talk about it.
So if you take care of them at the same time you detach from her they won't be surprised at all.

Unless your wife doesn't feel the void you are still filling she won't snap of this gigantic pity party she's in. Unless she realizes the imminence of the consequences she won't get her head off her a$$. No chance in hell. She believes you will always be there for her no matter what. It changues everything. Prove her otherwise.

Even with OM out of the picture you have no marriage now. It's the pure truth. I encourage you to start thinking in the divorce as a very potential outcome, to envision how that divorce will develop, the consequences, your chances with finances, custody, the possibility to move away from your town, the logistics of the separation...

pocket, how much time are you going to stay with a woman who doesn't love you, who doesn't respect you, who obviously has no fear of losing you? Stop using her depression to excuse your paralisis.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Your kids know more than you think. I was the kid of a cheater.

But let me ask if you would expose if you didn't have any kids? Let me guess...it would poison the reconciliation.

You are,by your inaction, allowing a predator free, and specific ally one who preys on the weak minded...kind of like a pedophile. It is a difference of degree. But it's okay. When the next man WITH CHARACTER divorces his cheating spouse and does the right thing, you can tell him how your kids emotional speed bump was worth more than HIS family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

pocket said:


> I agree with almost everything you said. I am a sceond choice, but I know that the "first choice" was not reality. The fact is that she is also starting to realize that OM was not a real choice. Do any of us really believe that all didn't "settle" on some level when we got married?
> 
> I don't know how to withdraw from her without punishing my kids. They have always counted on me being there form them and even more for the past 18 months while their mother was "gone".


So this is how you rationalize her behavior, huh ? This is just sad. The OM was not a real choice because he dumped her and chose not to be with her. Let us be very clear here. "not a real choice" means that "he was not available". 

There are certain time when one should stand up for themselves. This is one of those. You are hugely lacking in this aspect and no wonder you had to repeatedly stave off men from your wife through out your marriage. If this is an acceptable situation for you, so be it.. But it is all on you. You are choosing to continue this situation. Don't try to tell us that the kids or her depression is an excuse.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> So this is how you rationalize her behavior, huh ? This is just sad. The OM was not a real choice because he dumped her and chose not to be with her. Let us be very clear here. "not a real choice" means that "he was not available".
> 
> There are certain time when one should stand up for themselves. This is one of those. You are hugely lacking in this aspect and no wonder you had to repeatedly stave off men from your wife through out your marriage. If this is an acceptable situation for you, so be it.. But it is all on you. You are choosing to continue this situation. Don't try to tell us that the kids or her depression is an excuse.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I wish that there was a 'double like' button.


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## pocket (Oct 24, 2012)

JCD said:


> Your kids know more than you think. I was the kid of a cheater.


I'm sorry you had to go through that. I went through the same thing. My parents didn't stay together. I didn't feel betrayed by my mother when I found out what my father did. He cheated on my mother when I was 5 and I found out when I was in college. 



JCD said:


> But let me ask if you would expose if you didn't have any kids? Let me guess...it would poison the reconciliation.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My kids were the only thing that kept me from going insane and doing things I would regret. Without them, she would have been on the street in a heartbeat. I'm glad I kept calm, and I will not lash out and punish my wife now to satisfy a need for revenge. I kept my cool at the start, and she is now doing everything I could ask her to do. I can't force her to change the way she feels. There is plenty of time to divorce if it comes to that. Of course i wish it was going faster, but it is moving forward and I am just trying to handle my feelings while she handles hers.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

pocket said:


> ...I am a sceond choice, but I know that the "first choice" was not reality. The fact is that she is also starting to realize that OM was not a real choice. Do any of us really believe that all didn't "settle" on some level when we got married?


Sure, we all settle when we get married. Nobody's perfect for us in every respect & we're not perfect either.

But settling in the area of fidelity makes marriage a pretty much meaningless endeavor. If that's the area that you're settling in, why even get married?

I'm hoping you'll start really taking care of yourself, not just going through the daily motions. You're the responsible one in your family, for sure, but you have to be responsible as well for your own future happiness.

You sound like you have a caretaker personality & that works great for the people you're taking care of, especially your W at this point, but at the end of the day, no one will take care of you. Even though your W signed on to do this, she clearly won't. You need to protect yourself, not just your W and children.

(And fwiw, I will say again that the stand-up thing to do is to let the BS in the OM's ten-year affair know what's going on. He really has a right to know.)


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

pocket said:


> I'm sorry you had to go through that. I went through the same thing. My parents didn't stay together. I didn't feel betrayed by my mother when I found out what my father did. He cheated on my mother when I was 5 and I found out when I was in college.
> 
> 
> 
> My kids were the only thing that kept me from going insane and doing things I would regret. Without them, she would have been on the street in a heartbeat. I'm glad I kept calm, and I will not lash out and punish my wife now to satisfy a need for revenge. I kept my cool at the start, and she is now doing everything I could ask her to do. I can't force her to change the way she feels. There is plenty of time to divorce if it comes to that. Of course i wish it was going faster, but it is moving forward and I am just trying to handle my feelings while she handles hers.


You can't change the way she feels, but you can change what she perceives.

Right now she sees a walking talking "paycheck" who she wants around until she finds an OM who wants more than booty calls. 

I hope you know. OM held the fabric of your life in his hands. If he said a mere six words, you would have no wife at all and your children would have no mother cause OM would convince her to abandon them. 

"I want to be with you"

If OM said those six words your life would be entirely different right now. 

And after accepting this without outrage, you wonder why your wife keeps treating you like sh!t huh?

Because you keep allowing her to. You can say shes sorry or whatever, but the main thing driving her depression is how she wasn't able to ride off into the sunset with OM.

And you're just sitting there twiddling your thumbs while mumbling excuses to yourself for how you can continue to do nothing. Probably to help you sleep at night and convince yourself its out of your hands, when thats the farthest thing from the truth. 

"*mumble mumble* her depression *mumble mumble* poison kids relationships eventhough I feel betrayed when my mother did it to me *mumble mumble* more hanging by a thread rationalizations."

Your wife will never respect or truly value you because she knows you'll never leave her. 

No matter what she does you'll find someway to justify not taking action.

You say shes depressed? 

Who gives a damn? Thats what you should be thinking. 

I think you have some outdated mentality where a man has to put his wife on a pedestal and his own needs are secondary compared to her own.

Why're you tying your own hands? 

Why are you swallowing your own words for seven months and then using that as an excuse to swallow them further?

Why won't you think about yourself first? 

Why not say "to hell with your depression I just found out my wife cheated on me, if anyone needs consoling I'm first in line" for once. 

When will pocket think about pocket? She certainly won't so the only one whose gonna do that is you.


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## pocket (Oct 24, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Sure, we all settle when we get married. Nobody's perfect for us in every respect & we're not perfect either.
> 
> But settling in the area of fidelity makes marriage a pretty much meaningless endeavor. If that's the area that you're settling in, why even get married?


I can't argue with you on this one. She has a long way to go to make me feel like there is a point to staying married. We both know there will need to be some major changes. We both let our marriage get bad, but she made the choice to have the A. I don't know if I will ever trust her enough to make it work, but i will give her a chance to try. I know many will not like this because of your own personal experiences, but right now, for me, it is the right choice.



alte Dame said:


> I'm hoping you'll start really taking care of yourself, not just going through the daily motions. You're the responsible one in your family, for sure, but you have to be responsible as well for your own future happiness.
> 
> You sound like you have a caretaker personality & that works great for the people you're taking care of, especially your W at this point, but at the end of the day, no one will take care of you. Even though your W signed on to do this, she clearly won't. You need to protect yourself, not just your W and children.


I know i cannot count on her right now to support me or help me through this. I have read up on the things to do to prepare for being on my own. I am ready to go back to work full-time if necessary, I have set aside a fund to help cover the financial difference for a while, and I am getting back to doing the things I enjoy. I'm not blind to the reality of my situation. I know what she is and where is mind is, and has been.


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## pocket (Oct 24, 2012)

Kasler said:


> I hope you know. OM held the fabric of your life in his hands. If he said a mere six words, you would have no wife at all and your children would have no mother cause OM would convince her to abandon them.
> 
> "I want to be with you"
> 
> ...


I do know. I think about that all the time. It is the toughest thing for me to deal with right now. She knows it too, and she knows that may be the thing i can never get past. 

Don't think there has been no outrage. She knows how angry I am. I'm not meekly sitting here waiting for her to wake up and love me again. 

What I won't do is use the word divorce as a bargaining chip to prove to her I am serious.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ Then how do you expect her to take you seriously?

If someone kept telling you one of these days he was gonna stand up to a ********* at work, but never does. 

Would you take him seriously?

Nope, and if you can't take someone seriously, how can you possibly value whatever comes out of their mouths?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Divorce isn't a bargaining.

Filing divorce is saying "I won't tolerate the way you treat me anymore. If you don't show me some respect, and get back in the marriage completely, I'm gone." 

Its a wake up call, saying from this point on check your bullsh!t at the door.

Thats what filing divorce is.

Filing for divorce is being decisive and making yourself known and heard whether they like it or not. 

Filing divorce is taking a stand.


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## mupostori (May 20, 2012)

I commend you for keeping cool , If things where to the other way
your children would have a double blow ,1)the devastation of the affair 2)then they don't have a mother anymore. Wise decision may God bless you

As far as I can tell you are doing good , I was worried that as stay at home dad you had no profession but you have already put ur self in a position to be re-employed.

As for your pains well you have kept your mind for 7 whole months just continue , I don't think there is much you can do until you get a 
job .

but the is issue which might complicate things . Have you been intimate with your wife in these 7 months


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

pocket, do you have a deadline? How much time do you need to get your doks in a row?
I wouldn't hide the fact I was doing it. Planing my exit.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Wanna know what says 'I'm getting ready to walk' without a divorce? A job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Yes he needs to get a job, and acquire his own income. 

But before he can do anything he has to stop sitting in limbo and become active.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Yes he needs to get a job, and acquire his own income.
> 
> But before he can do anything he has to stop sitting in limbo and become active.


If I had a dollar for every BH I've seen here who needed that last bit of advice, I'd have <calculates quickly>.around $10. But pocket, I'm REALLY new here. Kasler could probably get that boat he wanted.

Shout out to the ladies. At least when you make a choice, you actually DO it.

Six little words pocket
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

pocket said:


> I'm sorry you had to go through that. I went through the same thing. My parents didn't stay together. I didn't feel betrayed by my mother when I found out what my father did. He cheated on my mother when I was 5 and I found out when I was in college.


 There is a big difference between telling a 5 year old and telling a teenager. Since they did not stay together, you were not asking what was wrong all the time. You were not forced to try to understand what was wrong with your family life and being lied to in the process. That is what you are doing to your teenage children right now.

The truth is you sound like a very decent person in a very difficult position. An otherwise strong person that is weak when it comes to love. You are so in love with her that you are afraid to lose her no matter what. You are hoping that in time she will come to her senses and everything will go back to normal. What you do not want to admit is that this hope is just as much a fantasy as your wife's fantasy love for the other man. Your old wife is gone forever. Your old marriage will never come back. Your wife has lost respect for you and cannot love someone that she does not respect. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. What you are doing is not working. You are not going to nice your way back into her heart. If you stay in this marraige, it must be a new one. File for divorce and mean it. If she wants back in, make her work for it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Yes he needs to get a job, and acquire his own income.
> 
> But before he can do anything he has to stop sitting in limbo and become active.


I agree that getting that job is very important.

Your W has been living a double life, so it's time to get a double life of your own.

I know you're setting things up for working outside the home, but you should really go for it. No half measures. Your kids will benefit from a more professional, independent, assertive you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

TRy said:


> The truth is you sound like a very decent person in a very difficult position. An otherwise strong person that is weak when it comes to love. You are so in love with her that you are afraid to lose her no matter what. You are hoping that in time she will come to her senses and everything will go back to normal. What you do not want to admit is that this hope is just as much a fantasy as your wife's fantasy love for the other man. Your old wife is gone forever. Your old marriage will never come back. Your wife has lost respect for you and cannot love someone that she does not respect. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. What you are doing is not working. You are not going to nice your way back into her heart. If you stay in this marraige, it must be a new one. File for divorce and mean it. If she wants back in, make her work for it.


Worth repeating. Read it carefully. You are addicted to hope. Give up hope.
I was lucky my wife snapped and proved me otherwise bewfore it was too late. I was too sencond choice for a while. Bit she worked hard to prove me I was number one. Just now you are not even in her radar.

pocket, what do your children know?
Does your wife "know" you are moving on?
Stop caring about her and her bussiness, make your own plans. Start caring of yourself and your children. Not her anymore.
She was old enough to take care of herself, she's doing it already, it's the only thing she's doing.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

How's the exposure of the fake preacher going?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> How's the exposure of the fake preacher going?


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Maybe he'll go into private one-on-one marital counseling. Seems like something a preacher man would do.


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## pocket (Oct 24, 2012)

JCD said:


> Wanna know what says 'I'm getting ready to walk' without a divorce? A job.





mupostori said:


> I was worried that as stay at home dad you had no profession but you have already put ur self in a position to be re-employed.


I have my B.A in teaching and I have been substitute teaching off and on for the past 5 years. It is just not enough to cover expenses as the primary income. In my state it is not enough to have the 4 year degree, you also have to have a certification to be a full-time teacher, and that expires without taking post-graduate classes. As soon as I found out about the A I registered for those classes and completed them a couple of months ago. I am now fully certified to teach. 

I'm thinking of framing the certification and putting it up on my bedroom wall. 

I understand that I was lulled into a false sence of security. 

I have read up on the 180 and was shocked how obvious most of it is and how many of the wrong things I was still doing.

I also wrote her this note:
-----------------------------------------
*I'm tired of being strong for everyone else. I have to start focusing on being strong for me and my kids. I have to stop expecting that anyone else will be there for me and waiting for that support from others reminds me of something Albert Einstein once said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

My life is being wasted away because a bunch of people decided to be selfish and everyone got burned. 

I am numb to the pain this has caused. 

I don't want to be numb anymore.

I am going to start living again*.
----------------------------------------------

I know I need to prepare to be alone and she is going to have to convince me that she is worth keeping.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

pocket said:


> I have my B.A in teaching and I have been substitute teaching off and on for the past 5 years. It is just not enough to cover expenses as the primary income. In my state it is not enough to have the 4 year degree, you also have to have a certification to be a full-time teacher, and that expires without taking post-graduate classes. As soon as I found out about the A I registered for those classes and completed them a couple of months ago. I am now fully certified to teach.
> 
> I'm thinking of framing the certification and putting it up on my bedroom wall.
> 
> ...


Great! You are taking control of your life.

Keep going.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> Great! You are taking control of your life.
> 
> Keep going.


:iagree::iagree:. Good start


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Now start applying for those full-time teaching jobs. Schools will need people to start after the Christmas break.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

That is just the start


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Bought time, now you're taking the reins of your life back in your hands. Follow through.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

:smthumbup:
Now start implementing it. For good.
Start living your life. Don't have her in mind for your plans at all. You make your schedule.
You take care of you at all levels, including your apareance.
Start hanging out, reach old friends. Do what makes you happy. Enjoy life.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Acabado said:


> :smthumbup:
> Now start implementing it. For good.
> Start living your life. Don't have her in mind for your plans at all. You make your schedule.
> You take care of you at all levels, including your apareance.
> Start hanging out, reach old friends. Do what makes you happy. Enjoy life.


The fog has lifted!


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## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

pocket said:


> I am a second choice, but I know that the "first choice" was not reality. The fact is that she is also starting to realize that OM was not a real choice.


There is a problem with this line of reasoning. The problem is that it doesn't matter if the OM was leading her on. It doesn't matter if he never intended to "be" with her. It doesn't matter if she realizes this now.

What matters is that, in those moments, she was ready, willing and able to walk away from you. As a matter of fact, in her mind - she did. She had dumped you. You were yesterday's news. *She chose somebody else.*

Later, she found out that the man she chose didn't want her - so she came back to you. 

Why would you stay with somebody who is so willing to choose somebody else over you? How long do you think it will be until she finds a new man to replace you?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

t_hopper_2012 said:


> Why would you stay with somebody who is so willing to choose somebody else over you? How long do you think it will be until she finds a new man to replace you?


It depends. Depends on if she proves you you are number one, is she proves you she's really commited, if she fix whatever made her lost her sh1t, if she make you believe, with consistence she didn't put you in the past and she's not killing time until new man arrives, if she proves you she's really into you. It happens. Happened to me. It's possible. Of course I can make a fool of myself by believing it. I willingly toke the risk.

pocket's wife is exactly in the opposite path. That's why he should move on.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

pocket said:


> I have my B.A in teaching and I have been substitute teaching off and on for the past 5 years. It is just not enough to cover expenses as the primary income. In my state it is not enough to have the 4 year degree, you also have to have a certification to be a full-time teacher, and that expires without taking post-graduate classes. As soon as I found out about the A I registered for those classes and completed them a couple of months ago. I am now fully certified to teach.
> 
> I'm thinking of framing the certification and putting it up on my bedroom wall.
> 
> ...


Pocket,

It may take some time but you will stand tall. There are far more good women than good men. You will be a commodity, wait and see. Be smart about it.

Your wife will find no good man will want a cheater. She will get hers.

Just worry about your life, Find a hobby. Start to enjoy yourself.


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