# Dazed and Confused



## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I am new to the forum and came upon the site while researching dealing with separation. After monitoring anonymously for a few days and seeing the supportive nature of everyone on the site I figured I will join and share my story (for those who are interested) )

Ok, lets see.............About a month ago my wife of almost 9 years and dated for 1 year before that decided she didnt think she loved me anymore. She claims that she has felt it for a while and wanted to try a separation to see if space will give her time to think and figure out what makes her happy. Asked me to leave and we would share kids 50/50.

As a background to that, we met while I was working outside the country 10 years ago, connected and fell in love. Got married 1 year later and moved around quite a bit (all job related) until we had kids. We moved to a new area about a year ago with the intention to stop moving. Up until this time, my wife has been a SAHM with my full support. It was always her choice. She decided to go back to work after 9 years of not working and landed a great job in her old field. Within a couple of months, she was going out on girls nights (to gentlemen clubs) and drinking more and more. She made friends with a woman who recently separated from her long time partner and the same week comes to tell me she wants space and loves me but is not in love with me.

After dealing with the shock of that message (no idea it was coming), I agreed to move out and give her some space. I have given her space and taken the kids about 60% of the time. She seems to not really be struggling with this but its torturing me. 

Not sure what to do next. How much time do I give her before I attempt to reconnect? When does the shock and pain stop?

Sorry to ramble on...............


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The shock and pain will fade, and with time I hope the toxic friendship also fades. In my case it took months, but work on your self, with being a great father, start a hobby, and work out, all these things helped me.
The thing about reconnecting is all up to her so for now you just need to let her go. It takes two to make a connection and as long as she is being influenced by the toxic friend and the possiblity of OM, you can only make it as difficult and as uncomfortable for her to behave this way. Do not make the mistake of enabling her to continue her behavior, but in the same breath make it clear she is always wecome back if she respects your boundries.

Granted it my seem back wards to push her away, but in my experience the best way to second quess her choices is to show her the reality of you not being around, and with that also her kid.

I believe the tough love approach is most effective, the begging for the marriage will only empower her to "cake eat". Showing her a confident man that can succeed and move on with out her will make her think twice about the dicisions she is making.

Show her a better man, an attractive man that she still can have if she makes the right choice. You can't control her and force her to reconnect, but you can have the additude that if she makes the changes need to repair the marriage then you will consider taking her back. 

Empower your self by being strong and by no means except her choices. Let her go and as in my case you can find your wife wanting you instead of you wanting her. 

So give her a taste of what it will be like when you are no longer around, cut her from all accounts and protect your self with nonnegotable boundries that are set to protect you from getting hurt again and again.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Thank you for that. You're right, it does seem counterproductive but it seems consistent and good advice. Its still amazing to me to see how quickly its all gone south


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

Feel for you mate, Try the 180 that is mentioned alot - I've been given advice to read and implement it also
It doesn't look easy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Thanks for that......wish I had read it sooner


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When it is that quick there is for sure others influencing her choices and dicisions 
Especially the dynamics with her kid, there is a powerful force that is effecting her and most likely she has replaced the stabilty and security you once provided with another man. As quick as this all happened it may not be all that serious, but enough to actually be with her own child 40% of the time.
No matter what, if it is another man or just a toxic friend, the relationship is unhealthy and it will effect the child, and that is sad.

So please be there for your kid and take extra time with out your wifes envolvment, this will reinforce the lose your wife will feel.

Again she will see a growing relationship as you as a father and make her second guess her choices, while she sees the family unit as father and child continue with out her.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Sod:

She sounds like she is having an affair. You need to move back in to YOUR house. You cannot work on the relationship in separate dwellings.

FIGHT for your marriage. Find out by checking her cell phone records, e-mail, and Facebook page who she is seeing. Get her out of the fog by exposing the affair. 

Tell her you will not accept a wife who does not respect her husband.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:iagree:

Move back ASAP.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

If its an affair, I cant move back. I dont believe she is having an affair as she may be many things, honest is definitely one of them. She couldnt keep that kind of secret as I know stuff eats at her. I have checked cell phone, email and FB and there is nothing there. The last thing I want is the house or any "stuff". Its all replaceable. The only thing that matters to me is the well being of my kids and I would prefer my sanity to return as well.

Is it naive to think that she is just confused or going through some early mid-life crisis? She is 34 so its not beyond the realm of possibility


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## hcvherber (Aug 21, 2011)

Hello Sod,

With all due respect to contrasting advice, to move back in when she is asking for space is like scratching a fresh wound. She has found new freedom and enjoying something new, but you can work on getting her back even if you are not physically together. Give her some space, do not flood her with text, email or calls, but at the same time once in awhile make your loving, romantic presence felt, so that she will know what it is like with you and without you. Be caring, supportive and unconditionally loving without pleading to have her back. And yes in the meantime remain confident in her eyes, take good care of yourself and the kids too.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I hope I'm wrong about the affair, but you would not be the first husband to be shocked that his wife could do this to him.

Look at the posts by Lordmayhem and Morituri. If she is cheating, you must act decisively and quickly.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Sod:

I woke up thinking about your situation, so I thought I'd offer 1 more post. You need professional advice from people who have dealt with marriage problems for years.

Call Steve Harley at 1 (888) 639-1639 for telephone counseling. Look at this website, Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice for information about his approach to solving marital problems.

You are the nice guy; you think you are being reasonable by giving her what she wants. But she is not reasonable right now, and she needs a wake up call. She doesn't know what she wants, and you need to take the lead to save your marriage.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Thank you for that, very interesting reading. After finally getting the courage to post on this board its weird that I felt a new strength to resolve my situation without being pathetic anymore. I thought about it last night and I actually got a decent nights sleep for the first time in a month.

As I need to go over to the house today to pick up some things lets hope I can keep hold of that.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Good. You're on the right track. Be calm and confident. No relationship talk until you can get your plan in place to restore your marriage.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Update:
Went by the house today to get some things (prearranged). Wife offered for me to stay for dinner without me asking. Spent a couple of hours outside, had a few beers talking about nothing about us. As soon as kids went inside, she turns to me and says "I dont want to talk about us when anyone else is around". Now, I dont know what brought that on as I didnt bring our relationship up and said as much.

I then asked if she wanted to go out one night in the coming week for a date and all I got back was I'm not ready. I know I shouldnt have asked but sitting around and not communicating isnt going to fix us. Ironically, her new friend who of course was at the house had even offered to babysit the kids if I wanted to take her out. Even she was surprised that my wife had declined.

So, I stayed a little while longer, said goodnight to my kids and left. All the advice I have been given from this forum is to give her space and focus on improving myself. I will do that and only focus on the areas that I can control. I just wonder if through all this I will no longer recognize the stranger that seems to be my wife. How could someone I have known for 10 years turn into this?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Many loyal spouses say that they feel like an alien has taken over their partner when they are flooded with the dopamine of an affair. 

What is the nature of this friend? It seems like she is toxic to your marriage. I do hope that counseling will help you develop a plan to recover your marriage.

Keep reading these forums, and the ones on Marriage Builders to see what you are up against.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

The friend is someone she met at work who broke up with her partner after a 6 year relationship the week prior to my wife saying she needs space. I have met her a few times and she appears a genuine person but just a little lonely. I guess they bonded over misery on their failed relationships.

I still dont know if there is an affair but I do think I know my wife very well and would hope she is still in that shell somewhere. She would not be able to keep that to herself. Somewhere under the visible anger that is now thrown my way is the person I married and started to raise our kids together with. Not sure if she will ever return but I start IC tomorrow to see where that leads.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats great that your getting help, make sure...right of the bat that you inform IC that your ultimite goal is to have a healthier marriage. This will give s/he a better direction in what you want out of the sessions. Its important that they are pro marriage orientated


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Yes, very important. Not all counselors know how to save marriages. They should focus on actions you can do, not dig too much into your childhood, not have the attitude that if you manage to come together it's beautiful, but otherwise let her go, it was not meant to be.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

For some reason, the first quote didn't flow over. You mentioned she was going out to "Gentleman Clubs." I vistited quite a few "gentleman clubs" in my younger days. There were mostly men in the audience. 



Sod said:


> I dont believe she is having an affair as she may be many things, honest is definitely one of them. She couldnt keep that kind of secret as I know stuff eats at her. I have checked cell phone, email and FB and there is nothing there.


I don't believe a single one of us on here whose wife had an affair thought our wives would until D-day. My wife was always very honest as well. You wouldn't believe the levels of deception she used to cover her affair.



Sod said:


> Ironically, her new friend who of course was at the house had even offered to babysit the kids if I wanted to take her out. Even she was surprised that my wife had declined.


The new friend seems to be around quite a bit.



lovesherman said:


> Many loyal spouses say that they feel like an alien has taken over their partner when they are flooded with the dopamine of an affair.
> 
> What is the nature of this friend? It seems like she is toxic to your marriage.


Yes, it does seem as though an alien has taken over sometimes.

I agree about the toxicity of your wife's new "friend."



Sod said:


> The friend is someone she met at work who broke up with her partner after a 6 year relationship the week prior to my wife saying she needs space. I have met her a few times and she appears a genuine person but just a little lonely. I guess they bonded over misery on their failed relationships.
> 
> I still dont know if there is an affair but I do think I know my wife very well and would hope she is still in that shell somewhere.


The friend ends her 6 year relationship. A week later, your wife drops the bomb on you. Coincidence on the timing?

OK, I hope I'm way off base. It looks like to me your wife's affair partner may be just under your nose. A friend of my wife's family left his wife a few years ago for another MAN. No one saw that coming.

I met a lesbian last week at a bar I've been hanging out at. She was pretty cool and we hung out and talked, etc. It was pretty fun talking to her about all the hotties on the dance floor, etc. That may be skewing my perception on reading this thread. She enjoyed watching the same girls dancing that I enjoyed watching. Your wife and this "friend" were going to watch hot women dance naked on a stage. Maybe I'm wrong, but that is the impression I got on reading this.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Hurting:

I thought the same thing, but I was afraid to say it. Your real life experiences are useful illustrations. I do hope that we are wrong.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Dont be afarid to say, I have thought the same things too. Yes, the other woman is a lesbian so it had crossed my mind. I also have been friends with a gay guy before and I know that I am not that way inclined so I try not to judge someone by their friends as I know I didnt like it when people assumed I was gay.

The gentleman club trips have been (ironically) work related to entertain a client. Has my wife flipped to the other side............dont think so but I also didnt see the separation coming so what the heck do I know. It boils down to her wanting to party and drink with no responisbility. All I know is she doesnt want me around.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your looking at this wrong, change your additude.

"It boils down to you don't want your wife around until she can stop parting and drinking"

Work on your self by working out and starting a hobby, don't let this women define you want to be.

As bad as I don't like saying this, but there is more to life then lesbian strippers.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Sod said:


> Has my wife flipped to the other side............dont think so but I also didnt see the separation coming so what the heck do I know.


It may not be one side or the other. My new friend prefers girls, but said she was "kinda into me" as well. lol I'm just saying what you describe sounds very much like an affair. I have personal experience from my wife's affair. Also, I have read many threads on here. She exhibits many of the common symptoms of a wayward spouse.

With that being said, I'd suggest the "Just let them go" thread on the "Coping with Infidelity" section. I have tried many things, to no avail. If they want out, just let them go. It's funny how when you change your mind and just let them go, they often come running back at some point.

I agree with the other poster. Work on yourself. Not for her, but for you. If you make positive changes for yourself, they are more likely to stick. Also, you will become a better person. We can all improve. 

Now, about the lesbian strippers. . . . . :rofl:


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I would guess that a lesbian friend will not be discussing the joys of a happy marriage with your wife. She will likely be feeding resentments and encouraging your wife to be independent of you.

Keep your eyes open, and watch her body language carefully.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I am watching for any/all signs with the few interactions we have. I am choosing to focus on on improving ME and giving her the space requested (ala 180). I am moving through emotions pretty rapidly and bouncing backwards and forwards like a yo-yo. The 180 will be my mantra as I work on myself and try establish some internal normality


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Sod said:


> I am moving through emotions pretty rapidly and bouncing backwards and forwards like a yo-yo. The 180 will be my mantra as I work on myself and try establish some internal normality


It is like a yo-yo, or a rollercoaster ride. The ups and downs smooth out somewhat over time. Hang in there. You are not alone. Just try to take one day at a time. Sometimes, it is just one minute at a time for me. Working on yourself is always a winning plan.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Managed 2 full days no contact. Even went out for a dinner with people from work tonight in a situation I would have normally declined due to pressure to be home. Keeping focused on what I can control!!!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Sod said:


> Managed 2 full days no contact. Even went out for a dinner with people from work tonight in a situation I would have normally declined due to pressure to be home. Keeping focused on what I can control!!!



Great job! Keep it up! I'm on week 3 of my separation. It is getting easier.:smthumbup:


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