# Near the End: Making Closure



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, as related to another thread, I am at the end of my divorce or nearly so (perhaps there may be some more wrangling on parenting plan and house/business appraisal).

My stb-x seems so unhappy and I actually gave her this to make her happy; she was so unhappy with me so I removed the source of her apparent unhappiness - me.

I have learned that my own happiness should not be wrapped up in hers so . . .that's kind of independent of me asking this to the forum. I just feel kind of bad for her. . .I don't know. . .a little tenderness or something.

I just can't figure out if she's unhappy, hurt and angry because:

A. She's losing me.
B. She's not getting what she wants and she thinks is "just" in divorce (parenting plan, asset division, child support, alimony)
or
C. She's just an unhappy person
D. A combo?

My best friend told me long ago that I am officially relieved of that duty - trying to make her happy. But I don't know. . .I guess that's my own dysfunction - I want my kids to have a happy mother. I mean, she has a boyfriend and they are serious and have been serious for a year, almost 6 months after I left they were planning to spend the rest of their lives together. I am content (no, actually looking forward to) to be a bachelor for awhile so we both seem to be "moving on" in our own way.

I guess it's B. I am not sure I could even get an honest response if I asked.

So, one of my final questions in this to the forum is. . .should I try to approach her about her anger, unhappiness and hurt? And how do I do it in a way that she doesn't try to bully me (I have my attorney to protect me from getting all emotional)?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I don't believe you should Scanner. As your friend said, you are relieved of that duty. You aren't responsible for her anger. We are responsible for our own emotions and no one elses. That was one of my issues -- worrying about affirmation from her, not upsetting her, etc. I'm not here for that any more with my ex w and you aren't with yours.

Just live your life. I know you want her to be happy so she is around your kids, but again that is her issue. Just live.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Scanner - 

I am not yet at the end of my divorce, but I would say let it be. Concentrate on yourself and your children.

My stb-xw always seems to find it necessary to tell me "I'm happy" or "You know, I'm so happy". This is usually in the midst of a disagreement or when she isn't getting her way with something. I have found it odd that she feels the need to state the fact because if it was true (and obvious) why would you need to say so? In fact, why would you need to tell me - the one person on this planet you apparently hate who makes you so unhappy?

Just let it go and move on. My 2 cents....


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Scanner, my wife wanted out, didn’t want to work on and resolve the issues between us. I tried.

I was very surprised to learn months later that she couldn’t hold down a job because she kept breaking down with sadness. Who knows with these things? For me it was kind of an ego boost that she was sad, I didn’t think she was capable of being that sad about the two of us splitting up. But it’s not a way I would look to boost my ego while at the same time it was nice to think that I actually meant something to her.

At some time we need to stop being the rescuer no matter how much we were/are in love with them. I didn’t even attempt to help her out because I knew I’d get burned yet again. I’d learnt my lesson. I even got burned when I attempted to work on closure between the two of us with her. So I’ve had to do it by myself.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Well, as related to another thread, I am at the end of my divorce or nearly so (perhaps there may be some more wrangling on parenting plan and house/business appraisal).
> 
> My stb-x seems so unhappy and I actually gave her this to make her happy; she was so unhappy with me so I removed the source of her apparent unhappiness - me.
> 
> ...


Sometimes we've just got to close our eyes to it?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If the ability to have a civil, let alone deep conversation went out the window long ago, you aren't going to get anything of value.

My stbx is incapable of sharing anything of depth with me. She can't do it. I know she's not happy, but she's not despondent either. The consequences of our divorce our utterly devastating from a financial and lifestyle perspective.

I don't think you will get anything approaching an introspective response, or what you might hope for in asking her, but under the circumstances if you feel like it's something you need to do - go for it. Just be prepared for the consequences.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Honesty, I think she's unhappy due to two things. First, I think most of us here realize that *we* control our own happiness and make the choice to be happy or unhappy. That is to say, there are some folks who could be entirely poor, alone, living in a shack...and yet choose to be happy with the flowers in front of their shack and the lovely day. The exes who leave have let go of personal responsibility and assigned their happiness to someone else (He or She "makes" me happy). Since no one else can "make" you happy, the ex is in for a rather rude awakening! 

Second I think it has to do with the affair-fantasy that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I usually joke and say "Oh that grass may be greener but that's because it's a field of manure!" LOL :lol: All kidding aside, I think many/most exes go into a divorce with the unrealistic expectation that a) someone will "make" them happy and b) their spouse will fade stage left and they can keep the house, the kids, the picket fence, get alimony and child support (aka "keep your money") while the OP sweeps in and meets all their needs flawlessly with never a frown or grumpy word. Then reality kicks them in the head. They lose half their time with their own children. They can't possibly live off child support and don't get alimony. They have to sell the house and give you half--and they get half of the debts too! And the OP begins to yell because they don't have money or have to "put up with your brats" so they aren't really their "soulmate." All that combines to "make" them unhappy. 

And Scanner, I don't think you can fix that. In this instance she made the bed, and she'll have to lie in it.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Affaircare said:


> Honesty, I think she's unhappy due to two things. First, I think most of us here realize that *we* control our own happiness and make the choice to be happy or unhappy. That is to say, there are some folks who could be entirely poor, alone, living in a shack...and yet choose to be happy with the flowers in front of their shack and the lovely day. The exes who leave have let go of personal responsibility and assigned their happiness to someone else (He or She "makes" me happy). Since no one else can "make" you happy, the ex is in for a rather rude awakening!
> 
> Second I think it has to do with the affair-fantasy that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I usually joke and say "Oh that grass may be greener but that's because it's a field of manure!" LOL :lol: All kidding aside, I think many/most exes go into a divorce with the unrealistic expectation that a) someone will "make" them happy and b) their spouse will fade stage left and they can keep the house, the kids, the picket fence, get alimony and child support (aka "keep your money") while the OP sweeps in and meets all their needs flawlessly with never a frown or grumpy word. Then reality kicks them in the head. They lose half their time with their own children. They can't possibly live off child support and don't get alimony. They have to sell the house and give you half--and they get half of the debts too! And the OP begins to yell because they don't have money or have to "put up with your brats" so they aren't really their "soulmate." All that combines to "make" them unhappy.
> 
> And Scanner, I don't think you can fix that. In this instance she made the bed, and she'll have to lie in it.


:iagree:

Many good points, Affaircare.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Affaircare and Deejo spoke to me in this one.

Thanks.

I have to agree.

If she hasn't been capable of an introspective moment up til now, it certainly hasn't changed now, I guess.

And Affaircare, thanks for your contribution. I didn't have any illusions that divorce would lead to the Promised Land. Ironically, one of the reasons I am divorcing is lost intimacy. The problem with that is, being a solo parent on teh days I have the kids, well, I am not free to date. Or let's say I can't do anything beyond just "date" and "fool around". A relationship is just wayyyyyy too much as I have found out. 

But I am really at peace with that.

In fact, I am looking forward to creating a 2nd "Home of Health" for my boys - organic foods (at least scratch cooking), cooking, exercise/training schedules. Hopefully, I can give something different that her new man and her can't and hopefully they enrich the kids lives with trips/vacations. I don't mean anything snide by that last statement - my kids deserve some material comforts too and I want them to have the best.

That's my new goal anyway - I'd like to be about health for my kids and myself. (the oldest won't like it - we struggle with him)


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Scan,

Just want to say I read this.

She is happy or not is her own choice. What Affaircare said makes perfect sense. A person can have the world and still be unhappy. A person can live a simple life but she is very happy. 

I do understand your concern for your kids to have a happy mother. Wish for the good, prepare for the bad. What else can we do? Nothing! 

Just do you best to look after your kids, let them know Dad loves them wherever they are!!!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> In fact, I am looking forward to creating a 2nd "Home of Health" for my boys - organic foods (at least scratch cooking), cooking, exercise/training schedules. Hopefully, I can give something different that her new man and her can't and hopefully they enrich the kids lives with trips/vacations. I don't mean anything snide by that last statement - my kids deserve some material comforts too and I want them to have the best.
> 
> That's my new goal anyway - I'd like to be about health for my kids and myself. (the oldest won't like it - we struggle with him)


Way to go Scanner. That's an investment that will last and pay dividends in your kids lives.

Bob


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## Anna11 (May 26, 2010)

let her be, it is not your problem anymore if she unhappay....like my stbx -h he thought the grass is greener on the other side of the fence? his girlfriend cheated on him, karma...now i am divorcing him and he is left with nobody (he tried to come last year and 1 quarter of this year but i had enough...sorry but life is not like baseball that he can strike more


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